# I'm scared of me



## BabyBumblebee (Mar 16, 2005)

:
I'm really hoping that I can find advice and supprt here, mamas. I so deperately want to be a *different* parent than the ones that raised me, and yet I am already finding that a challenge, and dd is only a year old. I was raised in an abusive household (*all* kinds), and I don't want my daughter put through that pain. But here's my problem....

I have a temper. I get angry really quickly, and irritated even faster. When I'm in that midset I have a really hard time controlling the tone of my voice, and I know that I can be really cutting and nasty. The moment passes really quickly, and then I feel so horrendously sad and guilty. I shouted at dd for the first time last week, and I still feel like crap about it now. I have vowed never to spank or hit, and I'm so worried that one day I'll lose my temper and do it anyway...









What can I do, *in the moment* to help curb these impulses? I would do anything to stop this before it has a chance to get started in earnest...I'm in therapy, but that's kind of a longer road, kwim? How do you break away from the bad models of the past when it comes to parenting?


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## flyingspaghettimama (Dec 18, 2001)

Yup, I'm right there with you with the childhood stuff. Maybe sometime we can trade horror stories.

I know this sounds pat maybe, but is there a religious/spiritual outlet you can use? For me, I read a few books about zen parenting and practiced taking deep breaths when the ol' demons show up and tell me to yell. It is about getting calm, and control over your immediate emotions (that are often linked to childhood emotions) so that your rational mind can communicate. If you feel the urge to hit, yell, break something... take a break and go into another room to calm down and do some positive self-talk. "I feel angry but I am calming down with my breath." One buddhist monk has an interesting manner, to say "Breathing out, anger; Breathing in, peace." Until you're breathing out and in "peace."

Hugs. It's a journey.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

I'm being frank here. I have anger issues I'm working on. My biggest tool right now is to look away from him (sometimes the defiant look on his face makes the urge to yell or hit stronger for me), and quickly go into the other room. Then I deep breathe to the count of 20, in through the nose, out through the mouth. It clears my head out and I'm able to deal with the situatino much more calmly.
Ds is going through a very defiant and whiny phase and it's been very tough on both of us lately.


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## firstatfourty (Jan 13, 2004)

I can relate to the feeling scared you will do something to your dd in the heat of the moment. I have had those same fears and my dd is now 2 yo. I did not grow up in a family with verbal or physical abuse so I am even more confounded about 'where did my temper come from??' I have started trying every morning when I wake up to tell myself something like "I will accomplish only what I am capable of today, I will put my priorities into bonding with my dd and enjoying this time (difficult as it can be) in her life. I will not let outside pressures, influences, demands, etc.. detract from my real job which is to raise this precious daughter." I find that if I get too focused on getting the house clean, or making a perfect dinner for spouse, or whatever else I have to do that i start to have a shorter and shorter temper until it blows. THis is really hard and I struggle every day. I wish I could find support but it is hard to even tell anyone I feel this way I am afraid they will think I am a bad mom.
I also have really bad anxiety and fears about something happening to her and I did see a counselor and she helped me to see that I can only control the present, not the past, not the future, and so every day I should ask myself "What can I do today (that I have control over) to keep my child safe?" and then do whatever that is. Leave the rest up to the higher power. I hope this helps you a little and know that you are not alone.


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## j924 (May 17, 2005)

I am so glad you started this thread. I was so excited to stay home with all the kids this summer, but right now I feel as though I may literally explode. I also have come from an abusive past and the thing I try to focus on is one moment at a time. Today I found myself yelling the words to 5 Little Ducks. I needed to yell and we happened to be singing. It actually took some of the stress off, and the kids thought I was strange instead of scary. Thanks for the courage to start this thread.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I feel the same way many times. It has been a HUGE challenge for me.


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## maxwill129 (May 12, 2005)

Wow. Thanks for all the honesty here. I didn't start the thread, but I could have. I, too, have major anger issues and have been struggling really bad with it the past few days. As a matter of fact, I had to just walk away from my 2.5 year old ds because I was going to explode.

I'd love to hear from more people about how they deal with this- maybe even specific examples. I think we could all benefit from it.

Hugs to all you mamas.

Shannon


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## auntieM (Apr 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *firstatfourty*
I have started trying every morning when I wake up to tell myself something like "I will accomplish only what I am capable of today, I will put my priorities into bonding with my dd and enjoying this time (difficult as it can be) in her life. I will not let outside pressures, influences, demands, etc.. detract from my real job which is to raise this precious daughter." I find that if I get too focused on getting the house clean, or making a perfect dinner for spouse, or whatever else I have to do that i start to have a shorter and shorter temper until it blows.

What a great idea & perspective. Thanks!

BabyBumblebee, I am sad that you are struggling with this. I hope this helps--some of the best lessons I learned from my mom came from how she dealt with something she did/said that she regretted. I still remember her calling the school to apologize to me--no idea what the apology was for. Do your best to find ways to stay in control. If you do lose it, forgive yourself & take the opportunity to teach your dc what to do when she makes a mistake.


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## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

I come here, no serioulsy when I'm about to loose it I sit down and read GD posts.

Dh is rarely home, traveling 3-4 days a week for work, 12 hour days when he is home, it's challenging on it's best days, the kids pick up on all the stress and act out more. I nearly constantly feel I'm about to "boil over". At times I wonder if it's really better for everyone that I feel this way, maybe yelling once in a while would somehow be better? I don't think so but sometimes I wonder KWIM?

Anyway it's really a daily struggle for me, however at the end of the day, I feel a sense of ackomplishment that I made it through.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Don't take thier bahavior personally.

be proactive. Don't tell your child to stop doing something 100 times until you freak out. chances are you are not angry the first time they do something. after you ask her once get up, go to her and help her comply. she is one. she very well may not get it. and if she does get it she may not get that you mean to stop and not start again.

I think most anger in parenting comes from those two things. taking it personally "they are doing this to make me crazy" or "they are doing this to get back at me" children are much more selfish than that. they do thing because they want to. it really isn't about you. also keep in mind your goal is to teach good behaviopr, not just correct wrong behaviors. Don't just wait until she annoys you to teach her what not to do. in happy moment, cooperatiove moments take the chance to teach her what you want her to be doing, how you want her to be behaving, catch her doing good and commment on it. At one there isn't much you can do but we would play a lot of red light green light games to teach stop, come here, sit down, and stay where you are at (when your child will cooperate with those four things consistantly it gives you enough time to think quickly and respond pleasently in almost any situation. laso in our family it is a saftey issue. and sincethey have pleasent asoiations with all those words they are usually quick to cooperate with a pleasent attitude and then we can discus stuff pleasently if need be because everyone is in a calm cooperative mood since we have practiced and played with those things so much) but back to teaching, if you were teaching your child the alphabet at this age you wouldn't expect to sing the little song once and have them reading tomarrow and yet parents often see teaching discipline this way. You may have to teach them the same thing 100 times 100 different ways. remind yourself that each time you have to teach the same lesson you are one step closer to mastery, understanding and a disciplined child. this really helped me to avoid the whole "why do I have to tell you this every day" frustration. teaching them is your job. showing you what they need to learn is thier job







and please please be proactive. If your child doesn't respond the first time tey have one of three reasons. thery idn't hear you. tehy didn't understand you or they know exactly what you want to do and it doesn't line up with what they want to do and they are telling you no. So don't let them tel you no 100 times if you want the answer to be yes. get up and help them follow through or drop it and accept it. If you can't accept it do something about and work on it until you have the behavior you want.

it is easy to say breath through the anger, let it go or whatever but I think if the anger is ther there is a reason and the reason should be delt with more than the anger. Because even if you are stiffeling the feelings it won't change the fact that they are boiling right beneath the surface and are bound to ecplode every now and then. i think is far better to figure out what about your dd behavior is making you angry and figure out how to prevent things from esscalating to that point in the first point. for me it involved a radical change in how I parented and how I lived but it has realy helped with the anger and I rarely lose it any more and hardly ever yell at them. Instead I just solve the problem.


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## PortraitPixie (Apr 21, 2005)

I know how you feel.









Ok, don't laugh, but Dr. Phil actually has a VERY good book called Family First, and it talks about strategies to STOP the 'family legacies' that you do not wish to continue on. It helped me.

Sarah


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## boosmom (Oct 20, 2004)

I deal with this issue on a daily basis too with my 4 1/2 year old. He is a very challanging, imaginative, strong minded individual. I know these are wonderful traits however they are managing to drive me crazy. Lately I have to remove myself from the room or send him into the backyard (thank goodness it is fenced in) and then collect myself. I am trying to arrange a babysitter once a week for a couple of hours. Originally I was going to use that time to clean my house but I may just have to have some me time! I am in therapy also and she wants me to try antidepressants because I am clinically depressed. I am not gung ho about this. Part of me is desperate for a better outlook on my family but I am not convinced a pill will do this for me. I have always had a bit of wanderlust and preferred country living and this phase of my life does not allow for it. I feel trapped and isolated in an urban community where I feel out of place. I wanted to add that the breathing deep advice works for me. I breath in and out deep calm breaths and tell myself remain calm, I am in control of myself, I can deal with this breathe breathe breathe.... Many times when I lose it- I feel like I am not breathing- literally can't get my breath- like an anxiety attack....


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I have found that visualization really, really helps. I imagine myself in any one of a number of situations that I know push my personal buttons, and then I try to visualize the emotional reactions, the feelings I get when I'm starting down that route of losing control, the words that go through my head, etc...and then I visualize my response, the one I want to have. This helps alot, though it does help to know ahead of time what the situation will be.

This next bit is going to sound pretty strange but, it does seem to help me. I think about something awful happening to my kids. Being diagnosed with a terminal illness, having a tragic accident, and I feel...viscerally...just how much I love them. Just how much I take them for granted in these moments of anger. I think about people I know who've lost children, and what they would give to have them back - even at their screaming/tantruming worst. I realize how lucky I am and it really does help to diffuse my anger.


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## sarathan (Jun 28, 2005)

You are definitely NOT alone! I was yelled at quite a bit when I was growing up and I have an extremely difficult time not yelling when I'm angry. I just don't know how else to deal with my anger, kwim? Anyway, I'm working on it and it's a struggle. Like someone else here said, I feel a sense of accomplishement at the end of the day when things have gone well and it gives me an extra boost the next day.


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## Pam_and_Abigail (Dec 2, 2002)

I like what you said, lilyka. I, too, struggle with this.


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## Almamiel (Dec 24, 2002)

Great post, lilyka. This is a hard one for me...what I try to do sometimes is let her (my almost 3 yr. old) know when I'm getting frustrated. I'll say "mommy is getting frustrated because of xyx" - sometimes just vocalizing that my anger is rising helps me kind of jump outside the moment. Or I'll say "mommy has this much patience left" and show her with my arms or fingers how much I have 'left.' I know that sometimes my 'losing it' is related to her losing it over something trivial - so, when I can, I try to reflect back to her what is frustrating - like "M, you seem to be getting pretty frustrated that xyz" Sometimes, recognizing her frustration heads off a tantrum which heads off my losing my temper, you know? Sometimes i just go into the next room and howl :LOL


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## littleaugustbaby (Jun 27, 2003)

You are NOT alone, mama!

Something that has really helped me is to really try to learn as much as I can about GD, and to learn as much as I can about normal toddler behavior.

The more I read and learned, the more I started to understand why DD would do some of the things that she would do, and I learned how to handle it effectively. By focusing my attention on the fact that certain behavior was developmentally normal, and realizing that DD was not a bad child, and that she wasn't intentionally doing something to be bad, it really really helped me learn to be more patient and understanding. It took a while to really sink in, and of course I still have my moments where it's difficult, but I feel so much more in control of my emotions now, and I feel like DD and I understand each other a lot better, it that makes any sense.

There's a sticky thread in the top of this forum with all kinds of references to some great GD books. I would recommend checking some of them out, there are quite a few that discuss using GD while breaking the past cycle of abuse in your own life.

I think you also need to pat yourself on the back and realize that knowing that you have something to work on is a HUGE first step!


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I totally hear you, Sister. Reading your post was like hearing my own thoughts some days.
I agree with the poster who basically told you to use your words.
Talking about my feelings out loud has saved me from going over the edge many times.
One day I was in Walmart and my little one was just being a little extra nudging or I was extra irritable (or both).
I stood there in the middle of the isle feeling like I was going to lose it with him and so I started to talk:

"I feel so frustrated right now! I am feeling anger and I REALLY want to stay in control but I'm REALLY feeling like not staying in control! PLEASE, would you help me by being a little calmer too???"
And just saying it diffused enough anger/frustration to take the edge off.
Some other methods I've used:

1) Run to the closet/bathroom and close the door. Take 10 seconds (or a minute) to breathe, gather yourself and focus on diffusing the anger and regaining control. *Added bonus...there is usually a facet in your bathroom so you can put cool water on your face to help "cool down".

2) Anger is a need not being met. Ask yourself, "What do I need right now?" It helps focus on you for a second, rather than the kid(s) and it also helps you really identify how to diffuse the anger.

3) More talking....I believe it's healthy to model how to talk out anger with expressions of feelings rather than using violent expressions/actions/words.
So I just talk about my anger, why I feel anger, what I am needing...and it does help.

I hope that one of these suggestions may help you....they have helped me.
Good luck to you....

Mel.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Oh, believe me I know how you feel. There's some great advice on this page. I'll have to use some of it.









~Nay


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## BabyBumblebee (Mar 16, 2005)

Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful responses - I must confess, I was really nervous posting at first, as I had no idea *what* the response would be.

There have been so many really good points made - I am going to do my best to sift through and see what works for us. I do think that for me the key is definitely that the anger is not about the situation with dd, rather there's something else underlying things. I also read a great post on another forum, and am planning to use this line too....in my head..."She is one, and I'm 31. I am the adult"

So, thank you again, all of you. I look forward to continuing this incredible journey with all of the terrific mamas here.


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

I grew up with two of the most patient, calm, restrained people I have ever met. And I can get irritated in a flash, PO'ed in a heartbeat and get over it in about 10 seconds. I was having trouble with my son's growling every time he did not like something. Then I realized, that I was making a similar sound because I know that once I get it out, it's over. He does the same thing. So here is how I deal with irritating actions.

I have started asking, "Why do I care?" Turns out that I care for really stupid reasons. If it does not hurt himself, others or property, I let it go. If it is something that will cause a mess, my arguing with him about it will take longer than having us both clean it up when he is done. One year olds are incredibly active, grabby little people. We have decided that we will live in a house that looks like hell for most of the day and pick up at night and start all over. That leaves me more time to focus on the things where he really needs guidance, like not waking his sister from her nap.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I will have to bookmark this thread . . .I can relate to so much!


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## clairegrace (May 11, 2005)

This may sound trite, but try walking away and counting to 10 (or 100).

When my daughter was younger - I would place her in her crib or a safe play area - leave the room (but still in sight of her) sit and calm myself down. Prayer or meditation might also help.

Also if your anger is over stupid things, re-evaluate why you feel you should be yelling. I learned to "pick my battles" - like safety or health concerns - and then life doesn't seem to be so stressful and anger doesn't rear it's ugly head.

Also learn to take time for yourself - get a few hours out of the house each week if you can. After working and then staying home, it took a while to get adjusted. Hubby, to this day, still takes the girls a few hours each week (daddy/daughter day) so I can spend time at the library, eat lunch out with girlfriends, etc.

Cara


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## Earth Angel (Dec 13, 2004)

Quote:

if you were teaching your child the alphabet at this age you wouldn't expect to sing the little song once and have them reading tomarrow and yet parents often see teaching discipline this way. You may have to teach them the same thing 100 times 100 different ways. remind yourself that each time you have to teach the same lesson you are one step closer to mastery, understanding and a disciplined child.

Thank you for the WONDERFUL way to remember this....it really takes the frustration out of the constant reminders (that I totally know they require).


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## surprisesarefun (Jan 19, 2005)

I struggle with this, too. I have such a quick temper. I have been working with my 3 year old- who is just like his mama - on taking a few deep breaths when he starts acting out. It helps both of us calm down when we do it together, and usually then we can get on with dealing with the problem.


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## Silliest (Apr 4, 2004)

Typing one handed ;->

I am *such* a bitch to my kids sometimes, but I'm an awful lot better than my own mom was (or is) and it's comething I'm aware of and *working on*, so usually I manage to cut myself some slack about it. Not that it's OK to treat them badly! Just that from the place I started, it would be unrealistic to expect myself to turn into June Cleaver all of a sudden ;->

One thing that was a total lightbulb moment for me was that I've spent a lot of time on learning "anger management" and I know it's paid off because I can even handle *Comcast* customer service without blowing a gasket anymore :LOL

But I still "lose it" at my kids.







: So WTF is going on?

I *think* my problem is not actually anger (at least not now) because I can "lose it" when they're not actually pissing me off.

I *think* that my problem is that I have PTSD and certain situations "trigger" something like an emotional flash-back. I was diagnosed with PTSD about 2 years ago, and had begun to explore this aspect of it with a therapist when my family moved and I had to give up the sessions -dammit- and I haven't found anyone else I want to work with on it yet.

What happens is that one of the kids will do something that resembles or reminds me of something that *I* once got beaten or shamed for, and I will have this flashback thing where my emotions go crazy. In one way, I am no longer "the mom" when that happens, I revert to being whatever age I was when the trauma occured. When I can step outside myself a little and observe what I am doing, I can sometimes even distinguish between me-acting-like-a-3-year-old and me-acting-like-a-hormonal-teenager when I'm yelling at my kids. It's kind of twilight-zone-ish. But it has seriously helped me in understanding it to realize that I'm not being an "angry mom" at them, I'm having these flashbacks that make me a "scared kid" *with* them. I yell at them not because I'm angry, but because i'm scared and I want them to stop doing whaterver it is RIGHT NOW before somethign bad happens to all of us.

Feeling like we're all on the same side, even though I still screw up and yell sometimes, really helps me. But I still have a long way to go :-/


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## MaWhit (Jan 5, 2002)

I haven't read all the replies (sorry







), so I don;t know if this has already been mentioned. I highly recommend the book When Anger Hurts Your Kids. It will walk you through various scenarios, it will help you change your thought processes, it will help you overcome your upbringing and learn to manage your anger. If you work it, it will work. Please, anyone who has trouble with yelling, hitting, angry outbursts, adult temper tantrums :LOL, check this book out. It is worth your time.


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## calicokatt (Mar 14, 2005)

Me too. And I sound just like my parents. I have managed to stop the hitting. But every time I see one of my kids cringe away from me while I'm yelling, it transports me back to when I was the one cringing. And somehow that just makes me madder. I AM getting better, but not fast enough.


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## bookwitch (Jun 30, 2005)

That's a scary thing, I know.
On occasion I've heard my 3 yr old lecturing her dolls (yes, I said lecturing, I'm ashamed to say), and I wonder, 'where did that come from?', and I realize that it had to have come from me. That's never a good feeling.









I take a lot of deep breaths. When my husband is home, he and I play off of each other really well; he can read when I'm getting frustrated, and vice versa; we just take over then when the other one is frustrated. Do you have someone you can call to give you a break when you feel you're reaching a boiling point?

Also, something that worked for me when I'm home alone: I'd put my daughter in her crib to give myself a breather. If it was her naptime, I'd lay her down, otherwise, I'd give her a doll or book or something to play with and keep her occupied. I could take a five minute cooldown and know that she was safe.

Lots of deep breaths. I've taken lots of deep breaths!


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## Abbyloos Mommy (May 19, 2005)

So glad to know I'm not alone here. I get so scared of myself sometimes when I'm angry, I've even had urges to shake her or throw her down.. which I've never done and I will never do. I get angry at the stupidest things too, she won't eat, she doesn't know what she wants, etc. I've yelled at her, made her cry harder and I see her face just so heartbroken and scared it makes me want to cry and I feel so horrible. I was yelled at alot as a kid, I guess it's the only way I know how to deal? It's just so damn scary when I'm seeing red, it's very very difficult to try to take a step back and restrain myself from yelling or getting very angry at her. I keep trying to remind myself that she is just a one year old, she doesnt know any better and I DO.


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## crunchy_mama (Oct 11, 2004)

I am an angry mom as well. My parents were fairly calm, so not sure where it comes. It makes me feel like the worst person in the world. I never thought of myself as an angry person, so why do I have these problems with someone who I love more than anything. It does help to read to about others that struggle. I also notice that I am trying to control things entirely too much and when I let go of unrealistic expectations it makes my life much better.


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## seacat (Jan 19, 2004)

i admit i haven't read this entire thread since i just found it. however, i wanted to add an additional viewpoint. and it is only an addition to all the great stuff already offered, not a replacement, as our emotions are very complex things indeed. I have recently been more aware of how our hormones effect our emotions and our physical and mental self as well. I just read an amazing book called, Sex, lies, and menopause (T. S. Wyly, not sure of spelling here). i'm not in menopause yet - probably not even technically perimenopausal, but my doctor said every woman at any age should read the book and i did. i think it's a life changing book for certain. Anyway - i felt that my hormones were off. i was having a very new and physical feeling kind of anxiety. i was also lossing it with my daughter and having moments of rage. these would literally last a minute or a few seconds and then i'd be under control. and they felt like they came out of no where. I had other not normal for me things too. so i did a female hormone panel spit test (you spit in little viles throughout your cycle and it acurately measures your hormones throughout your cycle. i just got the results which showed high testosterone and low estrogen and low progesterone. My doctor said that the high testosterone could definately cause rage, irritabitlity, etc. I'm on the road to correcting these hormonal imbalances (i can tell people more about what can help if people are interested.) But anyway, i think the physical is an often overlooked piece of the puzzle (only a piece - but a sometimes very important one).


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## lunamomma (Mar 10, 2004)

I was reading all of this and thinking that women have soooooooooo much pressure!! I mean regardless of whether you are feminist etc or not- we are truly sent a constant message about what we lack and what we should want. I think this plays a part in how we feel about what we do as mothers and all the other roles we play.

I just wanted to say that I appreciate everyone's honesty and know that things became trickier for me after strong willed ds#2 was born. he is cery strong willed at 15 months and I have to constantly remember to find time for ME!!!!!!!! Yes , mammass I would encourage us to take a look at our schedule and carve out time for ourselves- it is essential. Our ancestors black and white had multiple women living in one house and were able to share household, coooking, childcare duities- in our modern society this is not the case- only in some rare instances( I would like to see this happen more often) My dh and I talk about this constantly and how unfair it is that women are expected to "have it all" and do it with a smile.

I am so proud to be a part of this board and know that there are so many awesome, down to earth, real, honest, loving, creative and intelligent mammas out there.

Thanks for sharing and being support- YOU ROCK MAMMAS!!!





























Okay now I'm going overboard... but you get the picture


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *seacat*
But anyway, i think the physical is an often overlooked piece of the puzzle (only a piece - but a sometimes very important one).

I hadn't thought about this!


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## bookwitch (Jun 30, 2005)

I don't want to try to psychoanalyze this, but I wanted to put this opinion out there (and this IS just an opinion, so please don't take it as more than that.)

I think sometimes we get anger when we don't know where it comes from simply because we have lived so long without being in touch with our feelings. Sometimes, maybe, we were told, by actions if not with words, that being angry is wrong, so we deny that we feel it. Anger is a normal emotion, it's how we deal with it that sometimes gets us into trouble.

Women are sometimes expected to be everything to everyone but themselves, to not complain because we have it so much "better" than our ancestors did. Emotions are not wrong. How we deal with them, sometimes, is wrong, but that's why there are places like this forum. Supporting each other, the give-and-take of ideas...it's all VERY important.

Ahem, anyway, I'm babbling. Sorry!


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## bookwitch (Jun 30, 2005)

We tend to parent the way we were parented, so it takes a conscious effort to parent differently.
Bravo to you for recognizing it!


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## bookwitch (Jun 30, 2005)

No effort is wasted.
Just remember that.
We can't change until we know what's wrong. To quote that corny kiddie cartoon from the 80's, "knowing is half the battle".

I'm trying to recognize my triggers. That's helped alot. If I realize I'm feeling triggery, it helps me to calm myself.


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## bookwitch (Jun 30, 2005)

I "steal" time.
I was called in to work unexpectedly a few weeks ago, and my mother-in-law was taking care of my daughter. I got off work about 20 minutes sooner than I expected to, and actually sat down to read a book instead of leaving immediately! (I work in a bookstore, so reading a book was just the natural thing to do. In similar situations you could also take a walk, etc.)

I also sometimes run home before going to pick up my daughter, and sit for just 10 minutes and read a mag or something like that. I live literally 2 minutes down the road from my m-i-l, so this is easy for me to do. But my point: take time where you can!


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## Verda (Jun 11, 2005)

I agree, this is a great topic. I no longer feel completely insane! Thanks to all for the suggestions.


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## bizarrogirl (Jul 12, 2003)

A great tactic given to me by a therapist is to take a seat, and rub the palms of your hands and the soles of your feet (even shod, doesn't matter) against the surfaces beneath them. (Hands on chair arms, pants, etc; feet on the floor.) This occupies the nervous system with sensation for as long as it takes for the anger to diffuse.

I do that, because "self-talk" when I'm angry doesn't work. My brain is already short-circuiting and overloaded, and trying to mentally hold a caucus with myself just adds to the strain.

HTH.


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## mommyabroad (Dec 2, 2004)

Silliest -- I could relate to your post about emotional triggers. Sometimes my anger comes from feeling like I'm jetted back to the past and interacting with my own mom.

And I liked the rubbing your hands and feet together idea -- I've read about clapping when getting angry. So many great ideas have been posted here -- like anger being a need that's unmet.

One thing that has been helpful to me is to talk out what is going on (like other readers suggested) as it's happening and using a great phrase I picked up "mommy's getting her mads out" when I stomp my feet, clap my hands, or squeeze a pillow or stuffed toy really tight. I think it's good for DS to see me get mad sometimes and watch me find (or try to find!) constructive ways to stay engaged with him and calm myself down. I've seen him try some of the techniques out on his own -- like he'll go get his teething toy if he starts to pinch or bang something. I think I grew up without any positive models of how to deal with my own or others' anger. I'm still learning and I hope DS embraces anger as a part of life and finds gentle outlets for his.

A friend recommended this resource too:
www.angriesout.com


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## kerry_kokkino (Jul 11, 2005)

thank you for starting this conversation! maybe i'm not crazy (or at least alone in my insanity) after all. thank you for your courage.

i keep holding on to my progress. when i want to beat myself up, paralyze myself with disgust, i remember how far i've come. sometimes it seems that guilt is highly effective at keeping us doing what feels so bad in the first place.

at that moment i desperately want a "time out" to calm down and regain equilibrium. unfortunately, my toddler (33 months) finds this beyond unbearable, and has the ability to follow me anywhere. when i have it together, i can help her calm down first. when i don't, i don't have another recourse. any suggestions for those of us not allowed to "walk away"?


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## prenatal_coach (Jun 6, 2005)

Hi Erika,

I'm a WAHM Mom and mother of a soon-to-be-six-year old. My practice includes work with generational patterns, life challenges and future goals. In response to your question, if I were coaching you, I would have you ask yourself:

"What would it look like to be that *different* parent than you want to be?"

Feel free to e-mail me directly ([email protected]) if you would like for me to follow up with a reply.

*Big







's*

p.s. The fact that you are asking for support is a sign that you are a conscientious parent and...you are already making different choices from your parents--I bet they didn't use on-line forums!


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## JennyClaire (Jun 5, 2005)

kerry_kokkino,

If there is nowhere to put the child safely, I suggest immediately doing something that you both enjoy:
* Take a walk, have a snack, play a game or instrument, sing a song
* Hug the child (but not as hard as you'd probaby like to)
OR
* Shut yourself in a room until you can handle the situation. If there is a danger of violence, you are more dangerous to the child than he would be left alone for 30 seconds. Alone, you will likely recover enough to handle the situation very quicly.

I used to have serious anger issues, and have found that the better/nicer I am to myself, the less often I'm angry (once every few months now instead of a few times a week). My anger is also less intense and easier to manage. When I want something now, like a cup of tea, a piece of cake, or time to play, I let myself have it, and seem to have become more gentle with others as a result.


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## Muffin Girl (Jul 11, 2005)

I am totally on board with you in not wanting to repeat the patterns of my parents. I have found that, for me, the only true way to overcome my challenges long-term is to understand what is behind them. The way I have dealt with this (and am still dealing with this) is with the help of a trusted therapist. The best way to undo the patterns that have been so ingrained in us is to undo them. Sometimes you have to go "back" before you can go forward. Hang in there.


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## BabyBumblebee (Mar 16, 2005)

Just popping back in, and following up on the new replies. Wow, you have no idea how comforting it is to know that I'm not alone. There have been so many great suggestions here, and though this may sound stupid, one of the coping techniques I've used over the last week is to remind myself that there are other great mamas going through this, and that I have a 'team' here, behind me









Someone else, I forget who, has a great sig that makes me stop and think.....something about parenting our children as though their adult selves were looking over our shoulders. Kudos for that - that has also been something that I have kept at the back of my mind. I don't want to do anything in my interactions with dd that I could not explain or justify, in real and loving terms.

Thanks again to all of you and much love. We can do this!


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## Momto2boysNagirl (Aug 24, 2003)

Wow, I'm so glad to see this thread and know that I'm not the only one going through this. It is a daily struggle to control my anger. I absolutely hate when I yell at my children and I feel horrible after I do it. One thing that helps me when either my 2 or three yr old are getting into things is to just remove them from the situation and walk away. If I stay and try and talk to them I will explode.
Anyway there was alot of good advice on here, so hopefully something will help us.







s


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## bartokg (Feb 26, 2005)

I just read a good book on Mama anger. It's called "She's Gonna Blow" by Julie Ann Barnhill. It was very relateable and had some really good pointers in it. It may not be your answer, but it could be a really good start. My heart goes out to you. Knowing who you want to be and getting there is always quite a journey!


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## marycatlumom (Oct 21, 2003)

joyfulhands said:


> I know how you feel.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## JanineH (Jun 6, 2005)

Erika - Another coach here. One who has tried to deal with my own 'stuff' and my mother's 'stuff' for years. I waited until 34 to have a child (he's 14mo now) to try to get over the temper issues and have done everything from therapy to meditation retreats to lengthen my fuse. I am happy to say that I have never gotten angry with my son and if I have ever been even remotely frustrated, many of the ideas already described throughout this thread have been helpful: breathing, taking a moment to just look at him and treasure him, stepping away and letting him spend some time in his crib. Also - I am working part time and have a wonderful caregiver at least once a week. I cherish this "adult" time and he does so well with her and now does really well with any other adults.

If you are up for it, meditation might help. You will see your reaction become more of a conscious response - from instant to a few minutes to 10 minutes to 30... you will have more thoughtful and planned ways of managing. And in support of Christy's question, maybe take a look at your week and actually create a schedule that supports the parent you want to be (and already are in so many ways). Maybe schedule in time for yourself - even five minutes a day - and schedule in the proactive learning times and games where your family learns the rules of conduct. It may be a little early, but not a bad idea to start practicing. A great book: Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen and a link to an area of her site that I found very helpful: http://www.positivediscipline.com/ar..._Children.html

Another book I liked (you can skim to the appropriate sections) is Oneness and Separateness: From Infant to Individual by Louise Kaplan. She Describes what babies are thinking and feeling as they become individuals and the struggles that they go through in moving from total attachment to separate beings. The book helps me sympathize/empathize and really understand the actions and emotions of my son.

To repeat christy:
"if I were coaching you, I would have you ask yourself: "What would it look like to be that *different* parent than you want to be?" ([email protected]) ...p.s. The fact that you are asking for support is a sign that you are a conscientious parent and...you are already making different choices from your parents--I bet they didn't use on-line forums!







"


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## ms. nearocean (Sep 20, 2004)

thank you lilyka...for so much detail and advice

the message i get from myself if anger comes out in me towards my child, is that there was something i needed to do, like a few people have mentioned in different ways., that i have not yet done. what? that's what we figure out

i.e. if something is totally irratating i'll realize that i have to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water or change an uncomfortable bra or floss my teeth or something i did not yet do because i was "taking care of someone else" so i realize it is soooooooooo very very very important to take care of myself, all details do this first , and ofter the irritation passes i heard about this woman , doctor maybe and she said... moms come first , which meant that we must trust that it is interesting and beneficial to let our children see us take care of ourselves in our myriad ways......mom's energy stays fresh and kids learn cool stuff


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## MusicLadyToo (Feb 27, 2005)

I haven't read all the responses yet because the kiddies are restless as it's way too hot in the house but what I have read has been helpful. It seems like many of us could have started this post so I too thank you for starting it . . . I am trying really hard to make changes to myself as well. I am really quick to hollar. I am trying to spend as much time as possible around other AP parents because seeing how other's react helps some. Also it helps me to be accountable even if no one knows what I'm trying to do (I mean it's a lot harder to yell at the kids for something if you know that the people you are with would try to find a different option).

I think the hardest thing for me is that my husband is not supportive. he doesn't like the hollaring but if the kids won't listen or whatever he will threaten to hit them. I have been trying to catch him on it but then it just gets him angry which typically causes an argument. I have started to just intervene and remind the kids that hitting for any reason is not a good thing to do.

Hugs to the mamas that are having these same issues!


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## bookwitch (Jun 30, 2005)

I hope you're not tired of hearing from me yet, but I wanted to tell you to read Peggy O'Mara's Editor's page in the July/August edition of Mothering. Fantastic! It's a really encouraging piece. Also, there is an article about being a good (enough) mother.


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## bookwitch (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JanineH*
A great book: Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen and a link to an area of her site that I found very helpful: http://www.positivediscipline.com/ar..._Children.html

Another book I liked (you can skim to the appropriate sections) is Oneness and Separateness: From Infant to Individual by Louise Kaplan. She Describes what babies are thinking and feeling as they become individuals and the struggles that they go through in moving from total attachment to separate beings. The book helps me sympathize/empathize and really understand the actions and emotions of my son.

To repeat christy:
"if I were coaching you, I would have you ask yourself: "What would it look like to be that *different* parent than you want to be?" ([email protected]) ...p.s. The fact that you are asking for support is a sign that you are a conscientious parent and...you are already making different choices from your parents--I bet they didn't use on-line forums!







"

I love this book (and website). I'm going to have to look into the _Oneness and Separateness_ book that you mentioned.


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## mumto2 (Apr 30, 2005)

I haven't read every post so forgive me if I'm offering a suggestion already made.

I have a little treasure box for both of my children. I keep the really special things in each. Like the birth announcements we made, some birth cards we received that make me cry when I read them, hospital tags, foot prints, cute little photos that really captured their little personality of the moment. My children are older than yours so i also have little cards and letters they have written to me, the first time dd drew a picture of me - looking very much like a hairy potato, the first time ds wrote 'I love you'.

Whenever I am having a bad time for whatever reason, I go through the little treasure boxes and remember how much I do love my children, how much they have enriched my life and I re-affirm how dedicated I am to making our lives together a wonderful experience.

It only takes a moment for the tensions to disappear.


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## Sydnee (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crunchy_mama*
I am an angry mom as well. My parents were fairly calm, so not sure where it comes. It makes me feel like the worst person in the world. I never thought of myself as an angry person, so why do I have these problems with someone who I love more than anything. It does help to read to about others that struggle. I also notice that I am trying to control things entirely too much and when I let go of unrealistic expectations it makes my life much better.


Ditto that! It's nice to know that I am not alone.







I grew up with an extremely patient mother, and my dad was pretty calm too, never knew he had a quick temper until he told me a few years ago. :LOL I know that I have alot of patience, but when I get to overload, watch out.







: I am trying many different tachniques, and it seems to help alot. I just don't want my kids to grow up with that same temper.







:


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