# My little one is still inside me



## discokitty (Sep 1, 2005)

...but has been dead for over a week now. I went in for my first ultrasound today and the baby measured small and didn't have a heartbeat.

I'm so heartbroken. This would've been my first and we were absolutely delighted. I haven't passed the baby yet and I have a few days to decide whether or not I want to wait for nature to take its course or schedule a D&C. I just don't know what to do, but I know that for now, I still have my little one inside me, so I can embrace her for a little while longer.


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## fenwickmama (Aug 30, 2004)

so sorry mama!


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss.

There are threads here about natural mc as well as D&C...it is such a personal decision...no one will judge you whatever you decide.

Please let us know how you are doing. Stay hydrated and try and spend some time to yourself so you can well..just have that time.


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## Gale Force (Jun 15, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

In my case, I started miscarrying on the way to a family reunion, a Thursday I think. The cramps were so severe I had to get on my knees on the floorboard in the passenger seat on the interstate. I passed a lot of blood and some clots and continued to do so for a couple of days. I kept wondering what was going on because surely it was the real deal. I was worried about how I would have a proper burial since we were on the road. Four days later, as I walked through my front door returning from vacation, I realized I had to use the restroom. I passed the fetal sack with no further cramping. Baby is now buried under my favorite apple tree outside.

All of this is to say that sometimes there are reasons for the timing.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

I'm really sorry about your loss, I've never been on a forum but have been obsessed with this only the last few days. This past Saturday I gave birth to a perfectly normal looking 23 week old stillborn boy named Jase. It has been really hard. The doctors say that he was measuring at 23 weeks but I felt him at 26 1/2 weeks. I kindof thought that there was something wrong with him and didn't want to admit it, so I kept him around for another 2 1/2 weeks. I still wish he was with me. I regret not getting to hold him as much as possible. It is really hard for me to talk to anybody without breaking down in tears especially since I miscarried in January after telling almost everyone, and then waiting 3 months to tell anyone this time, and it still not turning out the way I would like. Hopefully, somewhere in the near future though I may be able to have another son, and he will be as perfect as Jase was.


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## momlove (Sep 15, 2005)

I just had a miscarriage last week. It depends on your body but my body took around 5 weeks or so to release the child. I had bleeding at 8 weeks and then again at 11 weeks. Based on how small my little one was, it must have died before 8 weeks. My body released it at 12 1/2 weeks after only knowing for 2 days that it wasn't alive any more (found out by ultrasound).

You need to do what feels right to you and what is safe for you healthwise.

You are in my thoughts


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. My first m/c I carried for several weeks before misscarring the baby measured at 10 weeks but I was almost 14 +by dates. My second m/c I elected to have a d&c. I know my body and it doesnt give up babies easily. I have 3 sons and as much for them as for me I needed to have closure quickly. Do what is best for you. Again I am sorry for the loss of your little one.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Discokitty I am so sorry for your loss. There is a wealth of good information here about making the right decision on D&C verses natural miscarriage.

Mary, I just wanted to say again how sorry I am about baby Jase. I will light a candle for him.


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## discokitty (Sep 1, 2005)

Thank you for all your kind thoughts ... I had no idea how common this type of outcome is. It was so easy for me to get pregnant, I never imagined that I wouldn't be bringing this baby to term. I'm still sort of in shock, but I'm leaning toward a d&c, mostly because it's making me very sad to feel pregnant still, when I'm not, really. I must've known something was a little wrong, because over the last week, I felt very disengaged from my pregnancy and my baby. I stopped reading pregnancy books obsessively and I couldn't really picture myself with this baby anymore. It was a little strange, as I've felt fine, no cramps or bleeding or anything.

mimi_n_tre, I am so sorry for you loss. I can't imagine how hard that must've been for you.

I really appreciate the kind words from all of you. And I'm so sorry for all of your losses.


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## mommaduck (Sep 13, 2005)

I'm sorry for your loss, hon. I know it's difficult. This past June (at 15wks) we found out our dear baby had died. I also felt the same way (disconnected) a few days before we found out.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

mama I too have a body that doesn't like to give up babies. With my first it took 4 weeks before we finally induced labor, I knew for 2 of those weeks and during that time talked a lot to the baby (even though she had died) and really came to peace with the fact that she didn't make it. The last time was also 4 weeks but I only knew for 4 days or so, I choose D&C to "get it over with", I still had bad morning sickness and just wanted it over. Sadly with it being so fast I didn't get the chance to come to peace with the loss and then had major bleeding on and off for 2 months after the d&c.

Good luck in whatever you choose, there are no right and wrong awnsers. Give yourself a chance to heal, take extra special care of yourself and please let us know how you are doing

tara


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## BabyBumblebee (Mar 16, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss, mama.

I'm afraid that I don't have any advice re natural m/c vs d&c, as all of my m/c were natural, and very fast.


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## Moira'sMama (Dec 12, 2004)

Truly sorry for your loss......


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

Hi discokitty,
Just wanted to say hope you are feeling okay. Hope everything has or will go as best as it can. Sorry for your loss.
Love Mary.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

Well, I just needed to reply since it has been one week, 5 hours and minutes since Jase was born. It's been a hard week. I still have yet to see him again and await the call. I can't stop thinking about the two very different places we are now. I only wish he was healthy and moving and still inside me.

I guess you can say that my good friend, a sister almost, is trying to help but is probably one of those who doesn't really know what to say. She's never been in this situation, and hopefully never will. She calls everyday and has asked only a few questions about Jase. She said that she can't imagine a child smaller than my son who was 3 1/2 pounds. She called me up yesterday to complain about her work, in which I feel very selfish and didn't really care to listen to. Today, she asked me if I wanted to go to the movies in which I said I would, mostly for Trevor. On the way there she said how good I look, how I don't have anything left really from being pregnant. The only thing I could reply to that was "Lucky me." I feel like it would have been better if she wouldn't have said anything at all. She asked me when I was going to go back to work, in which I replied, " I should be on maternity leave right now." I guess some things are better said unsaid, and you regret them after you hear the answer. I know I probably do that often. She has been one of the lucky ones who gets to quit working as soon as she finds out she is pregnant. I have yet been able to do that, both kids have been born on a day that I have had to work. Oh well, can't moan and complain about everything.

I continue to miss Jase.... What to do next? Hopefully I can see him again to allow myself some inner peace from all of the regrets I have of not doing while I had my time with him in the hospital. I've decided to start work and school again next week in which I can always leave in case I have a breakdown. Luckily I have been working at the same place for the last 6 1/2 years so I have a lot of support and time off whenever I feel like I need it.

Well much love,
Mary


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

Sorry for your loss.

Janetann


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## discokitty (Sep 1, 2005)

I had the D&C on Friday. It was agonizing, I'll never do that again. I was in excruciating pain the entire time, I feel completely traumatized by the whole thing. I actually feel abused.

I'm so depressed, I feel like I can't even get up off the couch to do anything. I don't answer my phone when it rings. I feel like I'm disengaging from my boyfriend, I keep thinking we should break up and I should just get out of here.


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## Monkeyfeet (Feb 5, 2005)

Easier said, but it will take time. It is hard because for me no one could say or do anything right/helpful.


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## Monkeyfeet (Feb 5, 2005)

I'm not sure what happened to my post from above, only part of it is there.....

Is there a support group that you could join? I found it helpful to know that I was not alone, that unfortunately this does happen and that I would recover.

Do not make any sudden decisions (in regards to your bf) until you have given yourself time to heal.

Blessings,
Kelly


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## Gale Force (Jun 15, 2003)

Oh yes, just give yourself time to heal. Don't make any decisions at all for a while.

THis may or may not help, but my miscarriage was very, very painful too. They can be, D&C or not. I can see why you would feel abused going through that pain under the care of a health professional, but it can be a painful experience regardless.


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

I miscarried at 8w 4d on 4 August of this year. It has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me and the grief wave continues to come out of no where. I too have experienced the same feelings and highly recommend reading, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart Surviving the Death of Your Baby, Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D. I just recently started reading this and have found that I am connecting with so many of the feelings that have been discussed in the book. It helps to know the feelings I am having are common and all part of the grieving process. Allow yourself time to grieve, talk about your baby and your experience and find support, whether it's here or in a local support group. It truly helps.

Take care of yourself,








Janetann
Aidan 7/25/99
Adison 7/21/03
^i^ 8/4/05


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## ladybugchild77 (Jun 18, 2004)

Discokitty and Mimi -
So sorry for your losses. I had two miscarriages and know how devastating they are. The first one was virtually painless but I had to go through the pain of laboring with the second and it was something I will never forget.







to you and to all women who have gone through this. I found time alone with my thoughts helped (but not TOO much of I would think of nothing else!) Chocolate is another vice that worked well. Take care and PM me if you need someone to talk to...I have been there...


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## henhao (Dec 17, 2004)

Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby in December and still cry about it sometimes. I miss that baby.

So am I to understand that you were conscious during the D&C? If so, I am appalled. I was completely under and had no recollection of anything. It was still an unpleasant experience, but at least it didn't really hurt. I am so sorry.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *discokitty*
I had the D&C on Friday. It was agonizing, I'll never do that again. I was in excruciating pain the entire time, I feel completely traumatized by the whole thing. I actually feel abused.

I'm so depressed, I feel like I can't even get up off the couch to do anything. I don't answer my phone when it rings. I feel like I'm disengaging from my boyfriend, I keep thinking we should break up and I should just get out of here.

discokitty, I am so sorry that the D&C was so painful. Getting one or not is such a difficult decision and no one knows if they made the right choice for them until after it's all over, particularly if you have never been through it before to have a reference. Hopefully, you will never have to go through this again.

And in regards to your boyfriend, it may or may not be the right decision to break up with him, but right now is not a good time to decide that. Your emotions will be all over the place for awhile from the grief and from your hormones regulating themselves. Give it some time. Make sure you keep communication open, even if it's negative communication.








s I'll be thinking of you.


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## NWmt_mama (Jul 22, 2005)

discokitty, I am so sorry for your loss and your bad D&C experience. Take good care of yourself and don't feel bad about laying around. It is natural to feel depressed and sad. I was the same way, but started to feel better as time went on.


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