# Youngest daughter wants sex with her BF, I don't think she's ready



## CatherinaM (Feb 10, 2019)

I am a mother of two lovely daughters, 15 and 13 years old. They both have a boyfriend, which I think is very nice. They're both nice boys and they're good to my girls.

The thing is, my oldest daughter recently has had sex with her boyfriend for the first time. That's allright, they were ready for it so who am I to stop them? They knew what they were doing and from what I understood it was good.

Now the problem is that my youngest daughter also wants sex with her boyfriend, but I think they're not ready for that yet. She just wants it because her older sister has it. Of course my oldest isn't of any help.

The trouble is that she has every argument against me. Last year I put her on the pill to regulate her periods and of course just to be sure. And I always threat my girls the same, whatever I grant one I grant the other as well and they know that. But this is different, only I can't explain that to her.

What should I do? If I just plain say no, they might do it behind my back and that would be the last thing I want. If they do it, I prefer to know about it. Or should I just give them the green light and let them figure out for themselves? That doesn't feel right either, after all as a mother I know when you're ready and they certainly aren't.

When they're ready I don't have any objection, that's why I have no trouble with my oldest daughter doing it with her boyfriend. They're mature enough. My youngest daughter and her boyfriend certainly aren't. I can see that, but I can't explain it to them. What should I do?


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

I think it would be helpful for you to define for yourself what 'ready' means? For some this is a maturity thing, for some families there are other values that play into it, spiritual, self esteem, etc. It doesn't sound like you are clear yourself. Try to define how you knew the other child was ready and this one isn't. You communicating your value system to your daughters will be of more benefit than a simple yes or no.


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## CatherinaM (Feb 10, 2019)

I'm sorry, I should have specified but it's difficult to describe. It's a combination of knowledge, maturity and self esteem. For my youngest, it's specially the maturity that makes that she's not ready. She has knowledge of safe sex so I'm not afraid of becoming a grandmother yet, but she's still a bit childish. Understandable at her age, but difficult to discuss. I guess it'll turn out to be her word against mine.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

You articulate it well. So the answer is no, right? I'm happy for you that this is a dialogue and that she is not sneaking off. You are her mom, though, and in this situation you seem to know what is best for her.


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

13 is very young. If you cannot genuinely convince her this is a bad idea, I would try to not leave them alone together.


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## Amberlogan36 (Jan 19, 2019)

At 13, I was too young and didn't have much of a want to have sex. I did check out the boys. 
At 16 is when I got a boyfriend, who ended up being my husband, we first had sex on my 17th birthday. By then I had matured. 
I am glad to hear you have a diagogue with your daughter at that age because my mom would have snapped if she found out I was having sex by then. I have a decent dialogue with my girls, they both like talking with the boys, and they both by their own admission have no interest in sex yet, which is okay by me.


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## CatherinaM (Feb 10, 2019)

Thanks for the responses.

I agree that 13 is too young, that's one of the reasons I'm not comfortable with the idea. But as far as them sneaking off, I am concerned about that. So far I've been putting it off, saying that I need to think about it, but I can't keep thinking about it forever. If I take too long, that's what will happen eventually.

Not leaving them alone is not an option. I am a single mom and I also have a full-time job, I can't watch them all the time. Neither can his parents, who also both have full-time jobs. This means that during the daytime there's nobody to watch them except for my oldest daughter maybe. But like I said, she's not exactly a good help in this. She'd probably let them.

As I've said before, her desire to have sex comes from the fact that her sister has already had it. If that hadn't been the case, she'd probably not be interested.


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

CatherinaM said:


> Thanks for the responses.
> 
> I agree that 13 is too young, that's one of the reasons I'm not comfortable with the idea. But as far as them sneaking off, I am concerned about that. So far I've been putting it off, saying that I need to think about it, but I can't keep thinking about it forever. If I take too long, that's what will happen eventually.
> 
> ...


That is too bad you cannot keep a better eye on her - at least until this desire passes or she is older. I would not ask the older one to keep an eye on her - that really is not fair to her.

Good luck convincing her not to. Is there anyone else she looks up to who also thinks this is a bad idea? Sometimes teens have to hear things from more than one person. I think you are smart to keep the lines of communication open. I think it is all you have. I would try and tailor make any messages to her communication style. I would not say she is too young or too immature (teens hate that) but figure out other points to make. If you have any personal stories to share, without too much detail, you can. My understanding, and studies have shown this (or at least you can find one to back you up ) that those who have sex later are typically happier with their first and early encounters than those who have sex young. I would also pint out to her that you cannot undo sex. I would try and find out if the guy is pressuring her - and what is going on there. navigating relationship issues are as tricky as sexual issues.

I would make sure there are condoms in the house and she knows where they are. Sigh. A pregnancy would be horrible in a 13 year old.


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## CatherinaM (Feb 10, 2019)

Anyone else she looks up to and thinks this is a bad idea would be his parents. Of course I've talked to them about this issue, they feel the same way I do and also say that. But teens, and specially my youngest, are always contrary. If the adults tell them one thing, they want the opposite.

The boy is certainly not putting pressure on her, quite the opposite in fact. He's not ready for it either (he's 14), but he's a bit shy and I feel like he doesn't dare to say no to her. He's crazy in love with my daughter (as is she with him) and will do anything for her. He's a good boy, but easy to manipulate. I keep saying that she shouldn't abuse that, but she won't listen.

About contraception, they know all about that. I've put her on the pill last year and there are condoms available, so I don't have to worry about that. And indeed you can't undo sex, that's why I'd prefer them to wait.


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

Well if the other partner is not ready that is all she needs to hear. Sex requires to consenting people- without that, its not a consensual act and that leads to a whole slew of other issues. You might also want to educate her about age of consent, the legal consequences of such decisions (what happens if she is younger and the boy faces charges) and what is her emergency plan if birth control fails? Nothing is 100%

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8[/URL

This video explains it perfectly- the pill and condoms dont solve the problem. plus kids talk, does she really want to know known as the 7th8/th grader who is having sex? That is a pretty harsh reality at recess.

Also each child is an individual, what you do for one you do not have to do for the other. Each child has different wants, needs, speeds of development, etc. You need to tailor your parenting, rules, discretion etc to the child and the situation- its not just a blanket child A did this so the rule is the same for child B/C/D ....


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## Patty Pagan (Feb 6, 2019)

A tough spot for sure since you can't keep an eye on them. My 2 cents: since your youngest is trying to play catch up to your oldest you should say "she was 15, you need to be 15" Also in this day and age where consent is in the forefront emphasize that it works both way, if her bf says "no" she needs to respect that, end of discussion.


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## CatherinaM (Feb 10, 2019)

Unfortunately last night I got the worst news I could get in this situation. They decided to sneak behind my back and do it anyway.

They were over at his place for the night and around midnight I got a call from his parents, asking me to come over. Of course it had been a disappointing experience for them, specially for her since she had high expectations of it which didn't come true. Of course that's what happens when you do it before you're ready. I had a hard time comforting her and trying to convince her that she had herself to blame for it at the same time.

Like the unruly teenager that she is, she blamed everyone else. She blamed him for doing a bad job, even though he tried the best he could but like I already said, he wasn't ready either. She blamed her sister and her boyfriend for lying about how good it was while in her eyes it wasn't. The problem is that they weren't lying, for them sex no doubt is good since ever since they first did it they've been going at it like rabbits. But after her bad encounter last night my youngest just refused to believe that.

We spent several hours on talking about what happened until finally everything had been said. She decided to come home with me, she didn't want to spend the rest of the night there anymore which is understandable. Their bad encounter hasn't exactly been beneficial to their relationship. They didn't break up, we (his parents and I) actually insisted on that, but it did cool things down a bit.

After all it's been a very tiring night and now I just had to write this off, just to let you know and for me to share it.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Sorry to hear it. 

I must add that one thing that seems a bit off is that is sounds like it was already true that she was spending the night at his house and with everyone's consent. In some ways I wonder what everyone expected if the boundaries were already pretty much removed. I originally thought there was more adult decision making around keeping them within more typical age boundaries around contact (going out on dates, hanging out with parents home, etc.) I may be old fashioned (I am older than most members here) so I may have been thinking about this way differently than everyone else. It wasn't that people couldn't keep an eye on them, as you said; she was already spending the night at his house! In my view, we can't expect 14 year olds to be making decisions like this in their own best interest; they don't have enough maturity or life experience to have any idea what the consequences will be. That's why we make decisions for them. I just wonder why everyone seemed to be knowingly leaving them alone in a home situation where there didn't seem to be any guidance or rules? Just asking, not blaming. When you said you "had a hard time comforting her and trying to convince her that she had herself to blame for it at the same time" I can imagine that this would be impossible. She's too young to make this kind of decision for herself. I would have a hard time saying my child was to blame. It's much more complicated than say "you can't have dessert before dinner" and your child eats it anyway. There are huge societal pressures, emotional pressures, these high expectations she had, etc, etc, etc. 

I'll remove my old fashioned self from the conversation now if this is unhelpful.


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

I agree with everything Lauren said.

I find it interesting that they decided to tell the parents after the fact. Usually kids who sneak off to have sex keep it to themselves - hence the reason they sneak off in the first place. I am glad they did share, however, and that you were able to help her process the event.

I think it could be a very delicate time moving forward, and they are very young to be dealing with these big emotions. I suspect one of them is going to want to try again and see if it can be better. I am not sure you did the right thing in insisting they do not break up. First off, that should be 100% their call. Secondly, the mess that is about to ensue. I get this kids are sweet and loving and good together (as much as 13 yr old can be - I had a 13 yr old in my car yesterday, she spent the hour talking about Pokeman) - and maybe you are hoping they can get back to where they were and learn how to mend relationships...but gack! 13!!! This is a lot to put on any 13 year old. 

If you, the mom, do not want her to have sex again anytime soon, you need to clearly communicate that with her, but also set up the environment for success. He can come over when you are home, and he leaves at a normal time. Open bedroom door, open basement door (with unplanned stop ins by you to do laundry or something). Think hard about whether the other parents can provide the level of care you need so the kids have as little opportunity to have sex as possible, but also so you can send the message that the parents are not approving of 13 year olds having sex.


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## MamaAmelia (Feb 5, 2019)

*Don't Forget About the Law*

The age of consent in my state is 16 years old. If minors engage in sexual acts before that age they are seen as engaging in statutory rape (even if consensual). If they are caught having sex outside of your home by other adults or authorities they can be arrested and registered as sex offenders for the rest of their lives. Not to mention, they cannot have nude pictures of each other or minors on their phones. The law can be on your side to communicate that they should wait until the age of consent. It was not like that when I was a teen, but I learned very quickly when my teenage step son was caught having sex at school (15 yr old boy with a 14yr old girl) all the lessons that parents have to know for teens today. It was a very harsh lesson for him. It is wonderful that your daughter is communicative with you about her wishes. Hopefully, this can help you navigate this with a bigger scope of consequences that rise above STD's and pregnancy concerns for underage minors wishing to have sex.


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## CatherinaM (Feb 10, 2019)

Thanks for your replies everyone.

Indeed Lauren I am a bit more liberal than you when it comes to them sleeping over at each others place. They've always been allowed to sleep over, but only during the weekends. During weekdays they each sleep in their own bed, that's the way we agreed on it. In hindsight I asked myself if perhaps I have been too liberal, but I wouldn't want to change it. It would be too late for that now anyway.

Indeed there were people there to keep an eye on them, his parents and I fully trust them. In fact, they caught them in the act which got the whole conversation going. It's not like they sneaked off like Kathy suggested, they were just in his room while his parents were asleep in the next room. But it appears they made too much noise which woke them up. You said you're glad they did share, but what choice did they have after being caught? It's not like they could deny it.

About the age of consent, I've contacted a friend who is a legal advisor and it's quite liberal here. The way he explained it, there is a two-step age of consent, 12 and 16. Sex can be legal as young as 12 as long as the parents don't object. Even if the child agrees, if the parents don't it's still rape. From 16 on the parents got nothing to say about it anymore, at least from a legal point. However for it to be considered rape the parents have to report it to the police, something neither of us (me and his parents) intend to.

About pictures on each others phones, we have strict rules that those are never be shared with anyone outside the relationship. Those rules apply to both my children and their boyfriends. Pictures may only be stored in a cloud environment from where they can be deleted in case a phone gets stolen, no pictures are to be stored on the phone memory.

Latest thing is that my oldest and her boyfriend, who of course heard what has happened, have suggested to have my youngest and her boyfriend watch while they're having sex. "To show how to have good sex", as they put it. Of course this is one of the craziest ideas I've ever heard and my first thought was to put it down, which I did. But later I started thinking about it. Since her bad encounter my youngest is still convinced that all sex is bad, which of course isn't the case. But having such thoughts is making her unhappy and I want her to be happy. Of course I don't want them doing it again, at least not before they're ready. But I also want those unhappy thoughts out of her head. If this could help convincing her that good sex does exist, it might actually help. Yet on the other side I don't want her thinking I'm giving permission to try again, plus of course it's really weird.

What do you think?


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

I think you are on very shaky legal ground, especially if you allow the older couple to 'show' them how to have sex. 

Also, just so you know, the other family has many years to decide whether they 'agreed' with it. I know someone whose family 'consented' at the time, but a year later when the relationship soured, the family pressed charges and changed the story to make the youngster look like s/he had coerced the other. So it becomes one's word against another's. One of the youngsters was charged and took years to clear his/her name as a sex offender. When all is fine between people, there is agreement. This can very easily change, especially with such young people and no limits on them. I would just reiterate, you are on very shaky legal ground with all of this. Do you want your child to be labeled as a sex offender and the parents as accessories to these actions? 

You also seem to be contradicting yourself. YOu stated they weren't 'sneaking' but then said they were 'caught.' You sound really confused about all of this yourself. In my state, you would be called into question for your judgement on most of the decisions you are making. Parents have gotten into very big trouble for a lot less than this here. Especially your rather naive approach to photos. You seem to have an awful lot of good will towards everyone. These are children. They don't have adult judgment capabilities. 

It's all rather astounding to me. I'm not a prude by any means, but this all pushes the envelope way too far for my comfort zone.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Statute of limitations, by state. Many states have no limit on when a charge can be made of rape. https://www.revelist.com/feminism/statute-of-limitations-rape/4429/colorado-10-years/6


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

I'm just going to say 'the internet NEVER forgets' The cloud isn't safe, promising not to 'share' means nothing when a person wants revenge, or is angry. A good hacker can break into anyones account. I think you are being very naive and not upfront with many issues here. There are legal issues, possible CPS issues, internet safety issues, you are now bringing your other child and her BF (and by default his family) into this. The law is very clear on matters.

And yes you can change the expectation- there is no reason you can't say 'the expectation in THIS HOUSE is NO SEX'. Just because you jumped off a bridge and survived doesn't mean you keep jumping off the bridge.

I'm going to say there is a reason your children are acting out, look for the underlying reason and you will find the cause of the behavior.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

:clap:clap:clap:clap:clap

Thank you Zebra15. I was beginning to think I was the crazy one. She is on very shaky ground. In my area, this would be a mandated report from any teacher, child care provider, etc.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Upthread you described her as child like and immature. Yet this is what you allowed to happen. Definitely reportable to DCF in my state.


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

CatherinaM said:


> Latest thing is that my oldest and her boyfriend, who of course heard what has happened, have suggested to have my youngest and her boyfriend watch while they're having sex. "To show how to have good sex", as they put it. Of course this is one of the craziest ideas I've ever heard and my first thought was to put it down, which I did. But later I started thinking about it. Since her bad encounter my youngest is still convinced that all sex is bad, which of course isn't the case. But having such thoughts is making her unhappy and I want her to be happy. Of course I don't want them doing it again, at least not before they're ready. But I also want those unhappy thoughts out of her head. If this could help convincing her that good sex does exist, it might actually help. Yet on the other side I don't want her thinking I'm giving permission to try again, plus of course it's really weird.


I am close to calling troll. I hope you are a troll.

Just curious: are you in the USA?


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

kathymuggle said:


> I am close to calling troll. I hope you are a troll.
> 
> Just curious: are you in the USA?


Yes, I was beginning to wonder that myself....:dizzy


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## Nazsmum (Aug 5, 2006)

jjj


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## CatherinaM (Feb 10, 2019)

Wow, this is a lot to respond to.

First, let me assure you, I am not a troll. I can imagine some of you thinking that, but everything I write is real. I do not live in the USA, I'm from a small country in Europe called the Netherlands. Not that it matters a lot since people are the same no matter where they live, only laws may vary. If I read a few of your comments I think the laws over here are pretty liberal.

I agree that it must sound confused about it. I am, naturally. I agree that I am often too good of confidence, I do take that as a tip for the future. I will also rethink my approach to photos. Always thought a cloud was a reasonable safe place. I do want to allow them a bit, not being too strict. That's just not me. Besides, my approach has always been that if you restrict them too much they will go behind your back where you can't control it. If you allow them a bit, you can keep an eye on it and control it. However how to do this safe is the next question.

I'm not worried about any legal issues this will bring. During the time my youngest and her boyfriend have been together I've become good friends with his parents and I can't see them pull any tricks like the ones that were warned for here. I agree it's on shaking legal grounds and in theory it could cause a lot of trouble, but I'm not afraid of that.

Luckily my eldest daughter has withdrawn her proposal of having sex in front of my youngest and her boyfriend, she agreed with me that it was not such a smart idea. Instead she will be alongside with me by just telling my youngest sex can be good if you're both ready for it, which I can only approve. But the showing is off.


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

https://www.ageofconsent.net/world/netherlands

Age of consent in the Netherlands is 16- You have a legal problem with both your children. Get your head back on straight and become the parent your children need. All it takes is one call to the police, one call to CPS, that call can be today or years from today-

Both of your girls are CHILDREN, they are children because the brain is not developed. They are unable to forsee the long term consequences of their actions. Their bodies are not fully developed. The legal system sees them as CHILDREN, I wish the mother would see them as children like every other entity sees them.


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## psychomusicana (Jan 30, 2019)

Reading this thread I started to feel angry at the punitive way people were giving advice. The advice was good but the delivery was off. Then, as suspicion of her being a troll arose I observed that the poster was saying things that aren't rational. What mother gives serious consideration to a request by her sexually active child to demonstrate that sex is good—out of fear that her younger child will remain unhappy? I don't think it's so terrible that a child thinks sex is bad until she has actual reason to be interested. It might serve to protect her future happiness. If this person isn't a troll she seems like a child herself, one that doesn't perceive the real danger of being reported to CPS along with the problem of having almost no control over her children's behaviior. She doesn't need advice that she cannot heed. She likely needs help. In any case it's clear that people with good intentions are frustrated because nothing seems to get through and her comments have become provocative.


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## Neera (Jul 15, 2007)

I am sure there are movies, books or other ways for you younger child to find out that sex is pleasurable. Wouldn't it be illegal for them in the Netherlands to watch in person two individuals having sex and those two individuals being minors (by Netherland's law?) I didn't read the above link that somone posted about your country's law, but you would know when they are considered old enough. Even movies have ratings for that reason and I believe to watch an explicit sex scene in a movie you have to be 18 in the U.S., which would be an R rated movie.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

You described the thirteen year old as putting the blame on everyone but herself and you want her to take responsibility. I think the first step is for you to take responsibility. Perhaps this should begin with an apology to your daughters. 
I am sorry. I love you both dearly and want you to be happy, but I'm only human and sometimes I make mistakes.
I made a mistake that hurt you. 
You are not mature enough to be expected to show good judgment in this situation, yet I allowed you to spend the night with your boyfriend when I did not want you to have sex. This was my mistake.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Many years ago I read an interview with Germaine Greer in which she discussed teens and sex. She suggested that perhaps steering teens toward mutually satisfying sexual activity that stops short of intercourse might be a good direction for teens. (This used to be called "everything else but" in the fifties. Greer suggested a return to this, but without the guilt and shame of that era.)
Obviously, even when teens are on the pill, there is always a danger of unwanted pregnancy. There is also the emotional intensity and attachment that often comes with intercourse - a minefield that can be difficult to navigate at any age.
Sex doesn't have to be all or nothing. Instead of a choice between prohibition or complete license, it might be good to steer teens towards a more moderate middle way that helps them mature in to it gradually.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Aside from the confusion of the thirteen year old at this point, is the fact that a fourteen year old was pushed in to sexual activity he didn't want. This is very serious. Girls as well as boys need to be taught the importance of full and willing consent.


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