# Not telling people you're pregnant?



## strongwomyn (Nov 3, 2011)

Has anybody just...not told their family and friends they are pregnant? I have always received negative reactions in the past from DH and I's family about pregnancy (because I chose to be a SAHM, instead of working, and we have always wanted a large family, which they don't approve of), and this time around (baby #4...3rd baby I've carried this far) I'm 25 weeks pregnant, and I have still only told two close friends. I have no interest in making myself vulnerable to their negativity, and I truly just feel that they have lost their chance in the past to be trusted with the knowledge of such a sacred part of my husband, children, unborn baby and I's lives.

Has anybody else felt this way? How did you eventually tell them? I'm small framed, and sweaters are no longer hiding my growing bump, but I feel like I just want a few more weeks of peace with my sweet LO before I have to deal with the stress of other people's opinions.


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## greenmamato2 (Jun 15, 2008)

We wont' be telling most people until about 15 weeks, but for different reasons. That said, maybe you could sit down with hubby and write a letter to them telling them the news, and include in the letter that you would appreciate support and positivity while you continue to grow this amazing little person. Sometimes just telling people what you need and giving them time to adjust to the news goes a long way. Best wishes for a peaceful and happy pregnancy!


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## 2sweetsparrows (Feb 24, 2011)

I am going to wait with some folks- In my first pregnancy I did not tell anyone at work and miscarried at 16 weeks. I was going to tell when I popped- or at 14 weeks but I started threatening then so I waited and I miscarried. With the singleton I am pregnant with I am doing it in stages- 1st round- besties- my mom his mom etc- 2nd stage 14 weeks- his adult son- my home besties aunts- cousins- then the public- Facebook friends neighbors etc- I think I'll wait until 5 moths or so.

I am a bit private- I cringe at the thought of putting an ultrasound pic on Facebook- I just feel like it is very personal thing.


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## Naughty Dingo (May 23, 2004)

With this pregnancy, we didn't tell anyone until about 20 weeks. We had different reasons than you, mostly that there was uncertainty about the pregnancy, and we felt it would be easiest to just not go there with everyone. A bit of it was also fear of the negative response from certain family members.

On one hand, it was difficult for me to deal with the stress of the first half of the pregnancy without support, DP wasn't particularly supportive during this time and it would have been very nice to have someone to help me deal emotionally.

On the other hand, I loved my delicious secret, and was a bit sad once things settled down and we told everyone. It was really wonderful having it all to myself.

And the negative responses I expected? None. That was really awesome.

Good luck and congrats.

ND


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## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

We're 16 weeks now and just starting to tell people because we can't hide it anymore! The first trimester it was just my mom, sister, MIL/FIL and my best friend that knew. In the last month, that circle has widely expanded, but still not everyone at my work knows and I certainly haven't posted on facebook. I think I will, but probably after my 20 week ultrasound.

We haven't told this time primarily because the pregnancy was a surprise, initial lab results were very uncertain, and I needed some space to process it all. Having a fourth baby, after I thought I was done... It's been a rough few months for us as we grappled with all of this.


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## WifeofAnt (May 2, 2010)

A family member waited until she was about 36-37 weeks to tell anyone. I understand waiting, especially after a loss (they lost twins in the second trimester), but she pretty much just showed up at our apartment in labor looking for someone to babysit her older kids. It personally felt like she was excluding the rest of the family from the joy of the new baby by hiding nearly her entire pregnancy.


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## Shinyredstar (Dec 29, 2011)

I had really negative reactions with my first three children- I was younger with my first (20 when he was born, so really not all THAT young) but really, I could have done without the offers to pay for an abortion. With the next two it wasn't quite as extreme, just a clear and general sense of disappointment, but I actually got some very positive responses with my 4th. Maybe you'll be surprised by how they react this time? I think people just finally figured out that we could take care of ourselves and our family, you know? In any case... It's your family. You make the decisions, so tell people when YOU are ready.


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## GreenTeaGinger61 (Oct 10, 2009)

I am totally in this place. We just found out so there's no hurry yet but I am not looking forward to telling people. I am so excited and happy to be pregnant but it's number five and my husband is a Ph.D student so we will get lots of negative feedback. His family will the be the worst, and it won't just be his parents but his siblings. They had a fit over number four. I personally don't care what they think but they make it very hard on my DH. And the negativity just makes me so sad.It's pretty apparent that my dh's siblings are not going to have kids so I figure they should all be happy that we're carrying on the family name

As for my friends, some will be happy and others will be disgusted, etc. I'm thinking I won't make a big announcement until we're well into the second trimester. I don't know when dh will tell his family but I leave that up to him.


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## forumyonly1 (Aug 14, 2008)

I will be 12 weeks tomorrow with baby 5.. we have told several people but I'm dreading telling my mother.. she told me after I had my 4th that if we had another baby she was done with me.... yup.. I am planning on telling her after my first appointment.. well.. I'm going to tell my dad.. and he can tell her. I don't want to deal with the lecture I know I'm going to get. When I told her I was pregnant with my daughter she was really upset that I didn't talk to her first before making that decision....... uhhh really? Pretty sure she's not in my marriage. Idk it sucks because if it wasn't for her i'd tell the whole world! This is our last baby and I want to be excited about it and she's sucking all the joy out of it. To answer your question though, we are planning on telling. But I don't see anything wrong with keeping it to yourself!


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## sprout 1 (Oct 18, 2003)

I've hardly told anyone and I'm 15 weeks. It's a very unexpected baby #4, the first 3 were with my ex husband. The dad of this baby also has a young son, we're not really together, and we're both financially unstable. The people I have told have been unsupportive, including just EXPECTING I had/was planning an abortion!!!!

The other day I had a thought... what if I just DON'T bring it up and let people figure it out for themselves. That way I don't open the door for conversation.

I've prefaced my conversations with others with- do not be negative, etc. but they still were. I don't want to deal with it.

I did tell the one brother I live near because he can see me, and he's pissed that "he" can't share with "his" family what is going on. Pfff.


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## chrisa (Oct 9, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *WifeofAnt*
> 
> A family member waited until she was about 36-37 weeks to tell anyone. I understand waiting, especially after a loss (they lost twins in the second trimester), but she pretty much just showed up at our apartment in labor looking for someone to babysit her older kids. It personally felt like she was excluding the rest of the family from the joy of the new baby by hiding nearly her entire pregnancy.


WifeofAnt, I hope you didn't take that personally. As you can see in this forum, it's not a decision poeple take lighly and without reason. It was probably the best way they could wrap themselves in a cocoon of imaginary protection. Otherwise, why would anyone go through the difficulties of pregnancy alone? That decision is especially understandable if they didn't have appropriate support and received hurtful comments after their heartbreaking second trimester loss. For many of us with perinatal losses, reactions from family and friends are often hurtful, regardless of good intentions and how helpful they think they are.

I am almost 17 weeks, at high risk for early preterm labor, and we have not shared the news with anyone, other than 2 close friends who are doctors and my boss who let me work from home (I'm on bedrest). No plans to tell anyone else anytime soon. This is my fourth pregnancy and no living children.


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## travelmumma (Jun 29, 2011)

Right there with you Mumma 

This is our first pregnancy, planned etc and very wanted!!

But after having run into two hugely negative reactions from telling I really think I am going to shut my mouth. It hurts too much to be shut down over and over!

"Your killing your baby" (after telling GP we are planning a home birth with a CNM) and "I don't want to curse you or anything but you will probably have a miscarriage even tho you are healthy and sh!t you probably will anyway." (my DHs best friends wife)

Right here with you Mumma,

Do what you feel comfortable with. Because at the end of the day it is none of their business.


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## Mamabeakley (Jul 9, 2004)

You know . . . I once had a friend tell me 'never speak to me again if you decide to get pregnant!' I know she was projecting stuff about her parents onto me and DH. But you know what? I was ALREADY pregnant (although I didn't know it for sure) and I never have spoken to her again.

So after that, I figure most of the other stupid comments someone other than my partner could make are not that bad. (Not that he has made any stupid comments . . . or not about the fact of the pregnancy. He says dumb stuff about how I cope with it, sometimes, but . . .. I just figure there are much worse things a partner *could* say.)


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## Tizzy (Mar 16, 2007)

We don't have specific reasons for not broadcasting early on, it's just...not something we're good about bringing up in conversation!

1st pregnancy we were still living with the in-laws, so we waited until the magical 12 weeks, and we had a firm moving date to a farm we bought.

2nd pregnancy we didn't say anything until 18ish weeks, 3rd pregnancy it was closer to 19 weeks and this one was 20 weeks when it was just getting to be obvious. And it would offend our families if we didn't tell them at that point.

We've had some less than enthusiastic reactions, but nothing terribly negative. It's just a delicious secret for our own little family


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## mamamojo (May 3, 2012)

I've just discovered I'm pregnant with number five, and we're waiting to tell. Our families will not be excited for us...my best friend will be indifferent (she's not a fan of kids in general, but likes *my* kids after they're born). I think we'll just wait until people ask.


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## sassyfirechick (Jan 21, 2012)

I probably could have gotten away with not telling anyone til abut 3rd trimester sine I didn't have an obvious "bump" until 7mos (I'm petite at 5'2 115lbs so I guess my body has hidden caverns for growing babies haha!). But we told everyone at around 13 weeks because being our first and the first grandchild for both sides, it's something our friends and families couldn't wait to hear. That said, even though our parents come from large families (no less than 4 siblings each), they have all made negative comments about people with more than 2 kids. And it's a little unsettling since I want 3 or more. But at this point I figure we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. In the mean time, I'm considering cuting ties with a few friends who have been a bit too condescending and argumentative over choices DH and I have made with raising our DD. Some of them don't even have kids and feel the need to tell me they don't approve of my decision to go forward with a child-lead weaning (one person in particular said she would be disgusted if I BF DD beyond 1yr, never mind if it lasted 3 or 4 yrs). I think it's great that you are able to stay at home with your kids, and how great for them! I kind of feel like people who think negatively about this decision are just jealous ;-)


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## lilbsmama (Nov 18, 2008)

They only person I don't want to tell is my mother. We don't speak, and although I'm sure she already knows that I'm pregnant again, I am hoping that she knows since "I" didn't inform her of the news, that I don't wish to speak to her at all, still.


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## travelmumma (Jun 29, 2011)

lilbsmama- I know what you mean... I am wondering if i can just not tell my family... And one day just rock up with a bay strapped to my chest! Ta Da! and say something like "Here is one I created earlier!"

We told DH's mum yesterday- she is wonderful 

But I don't know when i am going to tell my family


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## Olma (Jun 6, 2006)

We just found out we are pg with #3. Unplanned and unexpected. We're not telling family any time soon, I can expect negative comments from both sides. I told one of my closest friends so far and I don't know how to tell the other one, since she struggles with infertility. But some family members might get just the news of the newborn.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

im pg with 4th. x's family dont know, im due next month. i have a hoodie that hides my bump and i wore that when i saw xmil but xfil is sooooo not observant he probably just thinks im getting fat. he was here all day the other day and didnt make a comment about my belly. i dont want to tell them because my ex will find out and hassle me. he got a v when we got together and he got annoyed that i had dd because he doesnt think it's fair that i can have kids and he cant


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