# fighting in front of a baby?



## denaverbena (May 27, 2009)

Do you try to avoid fighting in front of your babies? DH and I have been arguing quit a bit lately and I've asked several times that we not do it in front of our 6 mo old. I've read in several places that fighting disturbs emotional development, but he just says I'm trying to be a perfect mom and it isn't a big deal. Any ideas how I could explain this to him in a way he could understand? I don't think he really gives credit to how much their little minds are absorbing. He's really been communicating harshly and gets angry very suddenly and I just do not want to raise our daughter in that type of environment. Any ideas how to lovingly encourage more effective calm communication?


----------



## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I think it really depends on what you mean by arguing. Disagreeing, even loudly, is okay. Scary insults, physical activity - no. This is really on my mind lately because up here there's a story in the news about an 8 month old who is in critical condition because his father took a swing at his mother with a golf club - and hit the baby instead.


----------



## mommariffic (Mar 18, 2009)

Okay, here's my thoughts:

Every couple argues. DH and I argue all the time, and we have argued in front of our toddler. We don't hide emotion, because yes people get into arguments and it sucks but at the end we ALWAYS hug and ALWAYS talk about it, and I think what's MOST important is that she sees that it's okay, we can make up and it's not the end of the world.


----------



## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

I've read that respectful arguing/disagreement is actually good, because it shows children that you can disagree and still love each other, be angry but still be friends and love one another, etc.


----------



## denaverbena (May 27, 2009)

Good thoughts, she is also with us many times when we talk it out, so yea she is learning that side of things too. The small arguments don't bother me so much. Its the big, yelling really loud, calling names, swearing like crazy fights that get to me. Maybe I'm the one who cant stand it!







Anyone have thoughts on encouraging better communication?


----------



## starling&diesel (Nov 24, 2007)

We just had the first really heated disagreement of our three-year relationship in front of our little one, who is almost 8 months. I believe it's healthy for kids to observe all emotions ... so long as it's healthy. And I think it's equally important for them to observe life carrying on and things getting back to normal. It's good to experience the ebb and flow.
*However*, I think swearing and yelling and name-calling are all things you can work on leaving out of your disagreements.
We have certain 'rule's' ... no swearing, no yelling, no using words and phrases like "fine then," "you always ____," "you never ____." That helps us keep most disagreements on a very civilized level.
Good luck mama! It takes practice and dedication on both your behalves. Just be sure to broach the subject of 'fight rules' when you're both well-fed, well-rested, and feeling good.


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I have a few thoughts.

On one hand, I don't believe in hiding disagreements around children. They need to learn that no one always agrees, and how to handle things like that. That assumes that your disagreements are handled in a healthy way. If they aren't, I'd work on that issue rather than hiding the disagreements.

On the other hand, even babies respond to a negative environment, so I would try to either create a loving environment or, as I said before, try to keep what disagreements we have in front of our children as healthy and constructive as possible.

My parents fought a LOT, but they would try to hide it, and it made me feel like there was a huge secret. Honestly, I wish they had either fixed their marriage or gotten divorced. But, if they had to fight and couldn't do it constructively, I wish they would have either hid it better or just done it in front of us. Hmm. The fights that were in front of us were scary, so that's not great either. Though it was almost more scary when they'd try to hide it and we could still hear, like after they thought we were asleep. There isn't really a good answer if your relationship involves destructive kinds of fights other than fixing the relationship. Anything else is going to be fairly ineffective damage control, IMO.


----------



## mnj77 (Dec 31, 2006)

My question for your DH would be, how are you going to know when she's aware enough that the fighting will affect her? You don't know, so you might as well practice not fighting in front of her now.

I grew up with parents who fought openly. I hated it and I know it fed my anxiety during childhood. DH and I never fight. But if we did, I wouldn't do it in front of DD. She'll have plently of opportunities to learn about conflict without watching the two people she loves most and whose happiness she depends on go through it.


----------



## Dov'sMom (Jan 24, 2007)

I don't believe in hiding disagreements, but I do think heated arguments are best done without children present. (Of course, I can rarely control myself...) I remember being at my fairly volatile sister's house when my nephew was about 10 months old and watching his eyes as he sat in the highchair with his parents shouting at each other in front of him. They grew wide and he sat perfectly still. Then after a few minutes he tried to distract them. It was so clear as an observer how heartbroken and scared he was, but when I tried to talk to her about it afterward, my sister just couldn't see it. The next time I thought about it was when DH and I were shouting at each other in front of DS, then close to 14 months old, and he tried to pat my legs and call my name -- but with nothing to say -- so obviously trying to stop the fight that was scaring him so badly.


----------



## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

Human emotion is just that... human. And not something IMO to hide from children.

However arguments that escalate to name calling, disrespectful words, or physical violence are much different IMO and I don't want my children exposed to it by anyone... especially not their parents.


----------



## ~Shanna~ (Nov 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *triscuitsmom* 
Human emotion is just that... human. And not something IMO to hide from children.

However arguments that escalate to name calling, disrespectful words, or physical violence are much different IMO and I don't want my children exposed to it by anyone... especially not their parents.

I agree, and would add that I think it's actually helpful to have your kids see you disagree, and then it's just as important to close the circle by letting them see you make up. I was shocked when my 2 1/2 year old told me he was "sorry" he did something, and realized he must have picked it up from how he sees DH and I make up or how we apologize to him when we've lost our temper, etc.


----------



## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

Neither you, your husband nor your baby deserve to hear name calling and swearing. If the cursing and the name calling start, take the baby and yourself into a safe place until everyone has calmed down and are ready to communicate.

I wouldn't really be worried about the baby so much. Yes, the negative environment does affect them. However, they are human beings and are resilient. As long as you give her the love and attention she needs she will thrive regardless of a few heated arguments. What I WOULD be worried about is further down the road, when she witnesses these arguments as a toddler and then as a child, and especially as a young woman. Your daughter will learn how women are supposed to be treated by your relationship with your husband.

You owe it to yourself and to your daughter to not tolerate any abuse. Verbal, emotional, or physical.


----------



## duchess_of_dork (Oct 6, 2008)

Could you get him to counseling?


----------



## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *denaverbena* 
Its the big, yelling really loud, calling names, swearing like crazy fights that get to me. Maybe I'm the one who cant stand it!







Anyone have thoughts on encouraging better communication?

I wouldn't have a relationship, not even a friendship, with someone who yelled at me loud, called me names or swore at me unless the person were my own child or elderly parent and had a mental health problem.

My DH was going through some job stress when my DD was about 20 months old. He was yelling when he was annoyed, basically his anger was coming out at home. I told him he couldn't treat me or DD disrespectfully. No yelling or being rude or mean. I wasn't going to live that way and I didn't want DD to think it was ok to be treated that way. I didn't grow up with much yelling or any violence and I don't tolerate it well. I don't want my DD to tolerate it either.

My DH felt abit threatened when I told I wouldn't tolerate yelling, but he started venting more about the issues really bothering him and we got back to discussing things that made us annoyed. Spending more quality couple time together helped too. Also just saying 'I'm too angry to talk right now' works for some couples I know.


----------



## Bug-a-Boo's Mama (Jan 15, 2008)

Sadly we do.







I HATE it so much. I told DH before DS was born that I didn't want to fight in front of him. I remember my mother and stepfather arguing. Well DH started it. Difference is he remains annoyingly calm while I am more emotional about the whole thing. HATE it! We don't really loudly argue in front of him/near him very often now, but nothing like those comments that require a snide remark back. Of course I am going to wipe him off with water after he spilled his milk on himself. I am not stupid. No, that wasn't all said out loud but that is what I felt like saying.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *denaverbena* 
Good thoughts, she is also with us many times when we talk it out, so yea she is learning that side of things too. The small arguments don't bother me so much. *Its the big, yelling really loud, calling names, swearing like crazy fights that get to me.* Maybe I'm the one who cant stand it!







Anyone have thoughts on encouraging better communication?

Arguments are ok. When it gets to the bold I or Dh say "This is starting to get out of hand, I am walking away until we can talk about this calmly" and do. A fight like that will never get anywhere, no one is listening to the other and no one really cares about anything but being the loudest, biggest and scariest.


----------



## Sol_y_Paz (Feb 6, 2009)

I haven't read the replies. There is a balance. Always fighting and never fighting, this black or white, either/or, neither extreme is what is considered healthy IMO. What type of fighting do you mean is my first question?
My parents NEVER ever fought in front of us. EVER. We grew up not really knowing how to handle the spectrum of feelings that lead up to fighting and consequently we were ill equipped to work things out as well, would rather go into conflict avoidance mode/denial/people please/total withdraw, etc.


----------

