# My 6 year old is sad/scared about growing up



## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

My youngest is having a really hard time with growing up. I picked her up the other day and made an offhand comment about how big she was and she just burst into tears.

She says she doesn't want to be big, she wants to stay a little girl forever. She is sad that she is "too big" to fit into the playhouse at our church playground, so she can't hide there during hide and seek with her friends.

She doesn't want me to remove any of her outgrown clothing from her closet, and she frequently says things like "I am not a big girl", "I'm not going to grow up," in a very tearful, anxious voice.

She did not want to go to kindergarten last fall, so I am homeschooling her. I thought it was just anxiety about being around a large group of children or away from me all day, but now I wonder if that was also part of this fear of growing up.

I don't quite know what to tell her; obviously she *is* going to grow up!

I have given her lots of hugs and sympathy, stopped making reference to her being "too big" for anything, and tried to point out all the good things about growing up, but it hasn't helped.


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## 4Blessings (Feb 27, 2008)

Thank you for asking this question!

My seven-year-old son frequently gets upset about growing up. He also gets upset that,"you only get to live each day once".

I try to encourage him to be positive and not to waste anytime worrying about something that he cannot change. I remind him that he has to have as much fun as he can each day and treasure the time he does have as a young boy.

We did have a good laugh together the other day when he asked if adults get to have any fun at all.









I'm interested in reading other's suggestions for how to help.


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## Harmony08 (Feb 4, 2009)

My DS is still a baby but I remember having those feelings when I was little. I was very upset that I had to grow up. I think some of it was feeling like I was losing/would lose what I had and then some of it was fear if the unknown (knowing my parents might die someday, knowing I would move away from them someday). I think there was something too about the finality of it all. The fact that you can't ever go back. It is an overwhelming for an adult too so we employ the old be present in every moment philosophy.

I'm trying to remember if there was anything that helped me. I remember in a particularly bad patch snuggling with my mom in bed and looking at my baby albums while she told me stories about when I was little. Though this is also made me sad, I felt honored as well. I also started a journal (I still keep one) at a very young age. It didn't really take off until middle school but I still had it. I think scrapbooking/journaling about my life with my mom would have helped me not hang on to the past so much because it would have given me an outlet to honor those times and let them go. Birthdays were always a big deal for me. I wanted to talk about the year etc. I always kept an adorable picture of 2 year old me in my room. I enjoyed talk about your inner child and how you always keep that inside of you. I liked it when my Dad sang me songs like Never Never Land and Young at Heart. I liked ritual and celebration in all aspects.

I really feel for your kids. I was the kid who got her own room (which I dreamed of forever) only to spend the first two nights crying about it, who started excitedly taking showers and then felt sad that I didn't take baths anymore, who was so sad to leave for college (this will never be my bed again)etc etc. Oh, I feel so sad when I think of how this held me back in so many ways. I have to say that I have sort of been emotional like this all my life until I met DH and then I stopped holding onto the past or stressing about the future, I developed the ability to live for the moment and to think forward in an excited about life kind of way. Those old emotional issues are really gone...

I also think a lot of it for me was not wanting to grow up for my parents. I knew how much they loved me. I loved being there little girl. I didn't want to grow up and leave them. They didn't actually do or say anything to make me think this but I do feel like it was a part of it.

Wow, thanks for the therapy session. I hope it helps a little bit.


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## Snuzzmom (Feb 6, 2008)

Man, me and her both.









Poor little moo. I don't have much to add other than sympathy, but I'll be reading this thread to see what others have to say.


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## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

Quote:

I also think a lot of it for me was not wanting to grow up for my parents. I knew how much they loved me. I loved being there little girl. I didn't want to grow up and leave them. They didn't actually do or say anything to make me think this but I do feel like it was a part of it.
I do worry about this because she is my youngest, and I'm sure I've said something to the effect of her being my "baby".


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## Daffodil (Aug 30, 2003)

When I was a kid, I thought it would be no fun at all to be a grownup. And then I became one and found out that it's actually very cool. You _do_ get to have fun, and you get to do whatever you want (as long as you can figure out a way to make it happen.) If you want to get a dog, or eat ice cream for breakfast, or live in Montana, you can just do it. I've told DD about the way I felt as a kid, and how wrong I turned out to be, and her ideas about growing up seem to have been influenced quite a bit by hearing that. She often says she's looking forward to being a grownup and being able to do what she wants. I don't know if she would have been the type to worry about growing up otherwise, though, so I don't know if that kind of talk would help all kids. (And I suppose it would be hard to sound convincing about the benefits of being a growup if you're one of those people like my DP who think adulthood mostly sucks.)


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## Ellen Griswold (Feb 27, 2008)

My child frequently tells me that he would rather be a train, car, tree, house, road.... you name it. When it dawned on me just how MUCH he was saying these things, I finally asked if he didn't like being a kid anymore. And he told me that he wanted to be those things because they don't die. (Well, okay, the tree does, but you get it







) It's a hard thing to contemplate. It's not something that I just spend a lot of time dwelling on myself, but it's gonna happen. I think it's a natural part of growing up. We, personally, deal with it within the context of our faith, and while that is a comfort to me, I'm not sure if he grasps all the theological concepts yet.

It's hard to grow up.


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Harmony, I could have written your whole post. I never wanted to grow up and spent a lot of my childhood railing against it. I still do. Turning 16 almost killed me and 18 was even worse.

I have no idea how to help, but I'm just glad I wasn't the only kid who never wanted to grow up.


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## Black Orchid (Mar 28, 2005)

I think this is common... DD1 is 5.5 and just last night she burst into tears when DD2 decided not to sleep with her lamby... she yelled "I'm sad that [DD2] is growing up too fast. She doesn't love lamby anymore like she did when she was littler. I don't want her to grow up!"









DH and I were speechless. I am so glad to see that it is normal. She apologized after calming down and again today for it. We told her that it was okay and that we're glad she told us because we want to help her when she feels that way.

Poor kids. There doesn't seem to be an easy age, does there?


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## ernalala (Mar 30, 2008)

My son is 5yo and lately asking/talking regularly about growing old(er), not wanting him/people dying etc. I feel like I shouldn't make things that much 'softer' than they are but I do find it hard when he catches me unguarded with his inquiries and expects an answer, right now. I do not wish to upset him more and find it tough to come up with the right explanation, appropriate for him. He fears to grow up/get older/bigger. He just likes to be a child so much. He once told me that he does not want us or him to get old because than we won't be able to walk anymore (one of our dr. is in a wheelchair, and over 70 I think he got the idea from there). Otoh, he sometimes comments about me that I'm 'like a child'. He means that I'm not very tall (comparing to most adults) but also that I have still 'the child' in me. He sometimes says things like 'later, I will take you both (parents) in MY car and drive you around' .
I believe that stressing this perception of a child wihin every adult, and modelling that an adult still has that child within, and also stressing that a child will ALWAYS be the child of his parents, and that when becoming an adult, someone will still be his parents' child.

And I, I realise my little boy is growing up so fast, especially when he comes with these questions...
I also ask him if he thinks of me as 'old' (within the context of this subject). Then (luckily  he says 'no!'. Then I say 'see, it's not that bad, I am almost 30 years 'older' than you and I'm STILL young ! You'll have at least as many years to be young, imagine that!'
And I do admit that noone really likes to grow old, but that we learn to live with that reality.
I see he's geting more attached to some of his stuffed dolls.
I think the questions emerge from a broader understanding of what is empathy, and love for what 'is', and therefore fear for what may be, or worse, for what may be not (anymore).


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

I have such a vivid memory of lying in bed one night completely hysterical begging my parents to let me live with them always because I didn't want to grow up and move out. I really remember absolute pure hysteria: being unable to breathe because I was crying so hard and my parents both standing over me breathlessly promising that yes I could always live with them and they'd always tuck me in and I would always be their little baby (I was obviously in no state to be rationally talked to).

I've taught and babysat and nannied a lot of kids over the years, and I've noticed that between about 6 and 8 they all go through this phase where they get obsessed with life and death. I call it the "Titanic phase" because it's the period where they can rattle off just how many children died in each class on the Titanic and you're sitting there thinking "dear lord, what a gruesome statistic for this child to know, is there something wrong with him?" But... let's just say that I still have my well-read copy of "The Story of the Titanic" from when I was in early elementary school. And I turned out okay.

It's obviously not just about the Titanic, or even about death, but it's about really understanding that things aren't permanent. That the world is suddenly spinning faster and they're growing older and there's no way to slow down and stop. It dawns on them that you were once a little girl and your parents took care of you: hugged you and read to you and played with you. But your parents don't do that anymore. And so they connect the dots and see a future for them where they have kids of their own... and you're no longer hugging them and reading to them and whatever else you do on a daily basis that makes them feel warm and fuzzy and cared for. And since this is the foundation of their world, it's a deeply troubling thought.

I dunno, I think that my parents probably were doing the right thing when they were telling me what I wanted to hear. There isn't really a way to make them see that when they're 25 and married they really won't mind that you're not reading them a bedtime story.

Good luck, but I think it's a normal phase. It's just kind of sad to realize that they're right: you won't be doing this always


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## Harmony08 (Feb 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
Harmony, I could have written your whole post. I never wanted to grow up and spent a lot of my childhood railing against it. I still do. Turning 16 almost killed me and 18 was even worse.

I have no idea how to help, but I'm just glad I wasn't the only kid who never wanted to grow up.


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## Harmony08 (Feb 4, 2009)

Along the lines of what latch said....When I was 3 or 4 and older girl told me that one day my parents would die. I don't know how I knew what this meant at such a young age but I too remember lying on my parents bed absolutely hysterical, such despair, such grief. As PPs have pointed out there really isn't a way that kids can truly understand that they will feel and be different someday...they only know NOW and they only think about NOW without YOU. Actually, I still get pretty upset when I think about my parents dying and even getting old for that matter.

OP, I hope things are going well with your little girl.


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## Harmony08 (Feb 4, 2009)

Hey,

So I remembered something else that has helped me....um Carebears the New Generation. It has some REALLy sweet songs. Two of my faves are Growing Up and Forever Young. I sing them both to DS. When I taught preschool we sang Growing Up all the time. I found them on Youtube.

Here is Forever Young:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KtKy...eature=related

And Growing Up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2y0Vp...eature=related

So, the best line in Growing Up is...

"Growing up
It's something you can measure
Growing up
It happens every day.
Being young is something you can treasure
But life is good cause you're growing up"

Life is good BECAUSE you're growing up. So deep. Love the 80s. They don't write 'em like that any more.


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## Peachthief (Nov 19, 2008)

I think it's hard to accept the fact that who we are constantly changes. Who we were is a part of who we are now, but who we will be is a stranger. I can remember being afraid of becoming a teenager when I was little, because of all the things I picked up on from my parents and society in general- teenagers break the rules, teenagers hate their parents, teenagers destroy other people's property, etc. It was really unsettling to think that I would get to a certain point and start feeling and acting so differently than "me". I can count on one hand the major life changes that I have experienced without a backward glance- even things that I freely choose to do and that I am sure will be very positive make me wonder if things will ever feel "normal" again.
I would reassure your daughter that she will always be herself and she will never be too "big" to do and be the things that are important to her.


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## elsa_elsa (Nov 2, 2006)

I too remember having this fear around 7/8ish. One day I burst into tears at an assembly at school because I realized it was only two years til I was 10! I was so terrified.

Something that REALLY helped me and I still think about it today is when my dad told me about how much he enjoyed various stages of his life. He talked about his childhood, teenage years, college, meeting my mom and getting married and then having my brother and I. It really put things into perspective for me because it sounded like he had done so many awesome and fun things as he grew up.


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## hrsmom (Jul 4, 2008)

Hi- this thread popped up when I did a search for something else.... I distinctly remember not wanting to go to kindergarten, because that meant someday I'd have to go to college! I told my mom, and she told me I didn't have to decide anything then and there and if I didn't want to go to college it would be ok. I'm sure you're comforting to your little girl!


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