# Just letting go of everything --



## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I am done with being pressured about every decision I make. I am done with people telling me I have to give up everything in my life that interfers with my children's needs. As of tonight I am done.

1) I have cold turkey weaned my son, even though he is nowhere near ready. I am tired of my friend's only solution to anything being that I wean my son, so I give in and have weaned him. This means I am also no longer going to be pumping and donating milk, because my supply will not last long after this.

2) I am going back to being a hermit in my home. My mother thinks that my children should be my first priority, and that when it comes stuff that interfers with the, they should come first. So fine, I will go back to living my life locked up in my house never going out due to my children's schedules.

3) My husband says I call him every 30 minutes and just complain about the kids, so I can in his word no longer deal with them or their behavior.

My youngest son has been crying his eyes out for 20 minutes now, and I think he has finally stopped. I know he is not asleep, but at least he is not crying. He wants to nurse and be with mommy - he is so not ready to give up nursing.

So, I am letting go of everything. I will again become a slave to my children and my husband and have no life outside of this house.

I will no longer call my husband during the day, or take his phone calls. I will just wait for him to show up at home and then make dinner.

Well, we are back to the screaming and crying.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

First off, I am sorry you are having to deal with this.







s I can tell you are very discouraged.

Second, please don't take this harshly, but why are you doing this...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat*
1) I have cold turkey weaned my son, even though he is nowhere near ready. I am tired of my friend's only solution to anything being that I wean my son, so I give in and have weaned him. This means I am also no longer going to be pumping and donating milk, because my supply will not last long after this.

Why are you letting your "friends" dictate what you do? This does not sound like something you _want_ to do, but rather, something you are doing to get people off your back. Leaving your DS to cry for 20 min. b/c he needs you and is used to nursing to sleep or whatever is not cool, IMO. Again, I don't think friends should have a say in this. If they were friends I would think they would be supportive and not give you so much grief.

It sounds like you need some space from things and time to sort things out that will work for you _and_ your family, not just things that work for others. I hope tomorrow is a healing day and a better day all around.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Khaoskat--










Personal opinion: You are letting go of the wrong things. Keep your convictions, and dispense with your critics. You need to surround yourself with supportive people, and limit your time around the unsupportive ones. Refuse their negativity. When they start to tell you to go against your instincts, hang up the phone, get in the car, show them to the door...

Your husband? What he said comes across as pretty critical. Ouch. But please don't shut him out. Take his message into consideration. Try to see it from his perspective. And tell him yours.

It sounds like you have lost your balance (haven't we all?). Take some deep breaths, give yourself some space. Know that in time you will regain your balance.

Today was a bad one. I'm wishing for a better tomorrow for you. Let us know how you are doing.

Keri


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I called him several times tonight --
4:40 (see what time he would be getting out of his client's site and let him know DS1 still hadn't taken a nap yet)
5:00 to make sure he was going to be home when he said - he said he would be leaving in a few minutes. told him - call me when you leave so I can start dinner
5:20 still no call that he is leaving, and he said it would be about 5 minutes 20 minutes ago. He was just getting into the car.
5:40 to see if he got stuck in traffic.

He doesn't have a regular work schedule, I cannot plan meals around him. Even if he tells me when he leaves in the morning he will be home by 5:00, I cannot count out on that, because he always gets involved in something and totally forgets about us. He gets mad if I feed the kids before he gets home. Often times my kids don't get to eat until 8 or 9 at night, and then have to goto bed with a heavy stomach from dinner - bedtime is 9 - 9:30.

He gets really easily side tracked. Often times he will tell me he is on his way home, and it is only a 15 minute drive. We are still waiting on him an hour later, because he made a stop on his way home.

Oh well, he can leave voice mail or messages on the answering machine. If his message is something urgent that I need to address, I will just send him a text message with the answer.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat* 
I called him several times tonight --
4:40 (see what time he would be getting out of his client's site and let him know DS1 still hadn't taken a nap yet)
5:00 to make sure he was going to be home when he said - he said he would be leaving in a few minutes. told him - call me when you leave so I can start dinner
5:20 still no call that he is leaving, and he said it would be about 5 minutes 20 minutes ago. He was just getting into the car.
5:40 to see if he got stuck in traffic.

Honestly, if this were my DH he probably would react the same way. He is very slow to anger, but if I called him every 20 min. I would imagine he would begin to get irritated.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat*
He doesn't have a regular work schedule, I cannot plan meals around him. Even if he tells me when he leaves in the morning he will be home by 5:00, I cannot count out on that, because he always gets involved in something and totally forgets about us. He gets mad if I feed the kids before he gets home. Often times my kids don't get to eat until 8 or 9 at night, and then have to goto bed with a heavy stomach from dinner - bedtime is 9 - 9:30.

Then don't plan meals around him! It's not fair to your kids to eat that late. I understand it happening once in awhile (it happens here too), but I would not make them wait and then go to bed w/supper undigested b/c their daddy can't get home when he says he will.

If he gets mad about that, maybe you need to sit down w/him and explain that while you would like the family to eat together and eat at a consistent time each night, you know that's not possible w/his work schedule. And, would he mind if you fixed him a plate and he could eat later if it was a late night for him.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat*
He gets really easily side tracked. Often times he will tell me he is on his way home, and it is only a 15 minute drive. We are still waiting on him an hour later, because he made a stop on his way home.

Again, do what makes sense for you and your kids. It's not fair to you or your kids to sit and wait on him only to have him not come when he promised. I think if you reevaulate the small stuff, things will fall into place and you won't be quite so stressed!








s


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

khaoskat,
in my own experience, the stress of losing a baby will have side effects that aren't as apparant as the obvious ones- feeling sad, lost, lonely, discouraged, disappointed, angry, confused, etc. the side effects happened to the other issues that were going on in me and my partner's relationship and our personal lives. it is just too much to deal with all of it, especially when the grief shoves its way to the front of it all.
some issue would come up that caused tension before our daughter died, and with both of us feeling like sh*t, we handled the issue just terribly! we decided dozens of times to close our business because neither of us cared anymore, not really, not compared to how much we wanted our daughter to be alive and none of it to have happened. it was so hard to have a calm conversation about anything, because the grief put so much pressure on us emotionally.

there may be patterns that you fall back into when you are feeling this pressure. if it was easier to just do whatever to shut some people up before, it will be easier now. but inside you may be feeling things stronger. it is totally ok to do what works for you... it is not selfish, it is self-preserving. i know it is hard to take a stand when you feel weak. you have an inner voice that will eventually need to be heard. if it seems less stressful to just let your friend, your mom, your husband, say how they think you should do things, well, that would be one way to do it. but eventually your voice will need to be heard, and your needs will have to be met.

i really hope you can find some avenue of communication that works for you and your loved ones and friends. if your friend really wants to help, maybe she could watch your children while you have some alone time to take a breath. i don't see how weaning your son is the solution to anything at this point.
maybe your mother would be more helpful not by criticizing your parenting choices and your life, but by keeping her mouth shut and learning her boundries. and maybe you and your husband would benefit from a session or two with a greif counselor, to have a third party who has expertise in helping with the emotional things that come when you have suffered the loss of your child.

it is good to say the things that are frustrating you, to let them out, somewhere, and here is just a good a place than anywhere. we have all felt frustrated and pushed into corners, angry, misunderstood, and just wanting to let everything 'go'. i am hoping things will take a turn for the better for you...
love, coralsmom


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## BethanyB (Nov 12, 2005)

khaoskat said:


> I am done with being pressured about every decision I make. I am done with people telling me I have to give up everything in my life that interfers with my children's needs. As of tonight I am done.QUOTE]
> 
> I would be done, too-done listening to and giving in to your friends and family telling you what to do. You can't be superwoman and do everything for everyone. Honestly, if your "friend" told you you needed to wean your son, why didn't you tell her to F-Off? Who does she think she is? And as for your dh getting angry if you feed the kids before he gets home- (sorry) he sounds like a spoiled little child himself.
> From what I read, it sounds like your mom/friend/dh don't really respect you, or at least they don't act like they do. YOU are the one to make these decisions for yourself. You say you are "done", but it sounds like you are giving in to everyone, when you shouldn't be. YOU have your children's best interests at heart, and YOU should do what you feel is right-NOT being a hermit like your mom wants, NOT being a maid like it sounds dh wants, and NOT following whatever crappy advise your "friend" gives you.
> I read your post in the TTC thread, and I sincerely hope you reconsider and think about it before you do anything rash. The idea of counseling by Coralsmom is a great one; I urge you to take some time to think about this. But above all, *don't let them treat you like a doormat!*


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I have my apt. set with the OB to get my tubes tied. I told my husband and now anytime I try to talk to him, all I get is "f you" (insert the rest of the letters). He has said that to me 3 times now.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Please don't do anything you'll regret, khaos. It sounds like things are really rough at your house right now. Just don't do anything rash. This too, shall pass.







s


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat* 
I have my apt. set with the OB to get my tubes tied. I told my husband and now anytime I try to talk to him, all I get is "f you" (insert the rest of the letters). He has said that to me 3 times now.









I'm so sorry hun. I can't imagine what you are going through dealing with the ppl around you.


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## 5thAttempt (Apr 22, 2006)

"I will again become a slave to my children and my husband and have no life outside of this house."

I think that you main problem is that you do not have a life outside of the house. I think that all adults need to have an adult conversation once in a while. Do you have friends that you can go out with? Can you mom babysit for a little bit? Can you afford to have a helper? Can you go back to part - time job (or even full time)? I do not know how old your kids are and how much attention they need. Do you exercise? This is a very good stress reliver, besides, most of the health clubs I go offer babysitting services while you are working out. This is a great way to meet new people.
Can you and your dh make a date and go to a movie, theater, dinner, just the 2 of you?

And I also agree with the fact that you should not call dh every half an hour. Never. Once a day is more than enough. And not to complain about the kids. Better yet, let him call you and let you know when is he going to be home. Also, make a rule that dinner is at 7 (or whatever time is good for your kids and you). If he is late, he should call you and inform you about the fact that he will be late.

I am a wife to a former workaholic, who was never home. I never ever waited for him to join us for dinner. The dinner was ready, but he had to help himself (including re-heating) if it was after 8 or so (which on most days it was). It was never an issue.


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## janebug (May 25, 2005)

hon, i don't hink you are in a good situation at all.
but listen, please. you need to listen to yourself and your own instincts and to hell with what everyone else needs or says. if your son wants to nurse and you want to nurse him, then do it, you will regret not listening to your own heart.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

The every 1/2 hour thing is not an every day thing...sometimes when I call him more than once during the day, it is because someone called me wanting to know what our plans were for XYZ. And usually it is a last minute thing (ie calling to see if we want to go out for dinner that night), so I call to check with him and to see if he wants to do that.

Usually on nights were we have something planned, it is to remind him, and then get his but into gear so we can goto it. Last night was supposed to be the perinatal loss group. If he is not home by XYZ time, then I cannot feed the kids nor can we get out of the house on time.

I am one of these people who I don't mind being a couple of minutes late (ie 5 mins or less) in general, but I detest being late (I consider late more than about 5 minutes). He on the other hand, t hinks times/apts. are a mere suggestion of when you should be some place. So, if we tell friends we will be there at 6:00, he thinks arriving somewhere between 6-7 is fine, or just whenever we manage to show up.

Hence, the reason I call him often when he is cutting it close. Like tonight, our eldest son has his skating lesson. We have to leave the house no later than 6:15 p.m. to get him there, into his skates and on the ice for his lessons at 7. I am 99% sure we will not make it. I haven't talked to him today, except to tell him about the apt. with the OB and the F Yous I got from that. So, I am sure he will forget that DS1 has skating and will show up to the house, excepting me to make dinner at 6 and feed him and the kids and still make it to skating by 7.

I get frustrated when he tells me he is at XYZ place and is on his way home. I know how far these places are and know approximately how long it takes toget to my house from there (based upon area of town and traffic at time of day). I get frustrated, when he is 10 mins from home and he is still not home 30 minutes after he tells me he is on his way.

We have had the discussion about me cooking and feeding the kids before he gets home, and that has been told to me will not happen. And it was a large fight as well between the two of us. In the end his way won out, and the kids are not feed until he gets home (only exception has been when my parents have been here visiting, because he wouldn't dare say anything about it being done in front of my parents. Now, if you ask him, he will say he has no issue - but he does.

I am probably going to get yelled at, because I have been doing the dishes today as I go along, instead of just putting them in the sink, including the stuff that normally goes into the dishwasher. He only wants the dishes washed that cannot be cleaned in the dishwasher.

If I do something like kick the wall with my foot out of frustration, he comes over and yells "let me show you how it is done right", then proceeds to kick the wall so hard that he breaks the lath and plaster walls all the way to the lath and breaks the lath boards as well, and not just a small hole, about an 18 hole. I have about $200 worth of damage to fix on the house right now from him doing that last night (my kick didn't do any damage, because it wasn't that hard). Oh, we are talking 3/4 inch thick plaster walls laying right on top of the lath boards.

Well, I am off to clean up the messes my kids have made, so he doesn't get mad at me about those tonight.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

IMO, he sounds emotionally/mentally abusive. Getting mad b/c the dishes aren't done just right? Give me a break! Kicking an 18 in. hole in the wall? That's not right. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you the same person who posted a few weeks back about him not wanting you to post here anymore?

I think you need family or couples counseling or you need to get the heck out of there. I fear his anger about petty things will blow into something much bigger. You're grown adults and I don't think saying "F you" to your wife _in anger_ or any other time is the sign of a mature man.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, but don't play the role of the belittled housewife much longer. And please, rethink the cold turkey weaning and tubal. I think you're contemplating those things to get back at someone and that is _never_ an okay reason for anything.

Take care of yourself...for once.







s


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## mommy-X-2 (Oct 23, 2006)

I have to completly agree with what everyone else is saying. Your husband sounds emotionally abusive to me too. There is nothing normal about a man telling his wife F you and there is nothing normal about a man who gets angry because his wife feed their children at a normal time. If he isnt willing to get counsling then I think you need to leave him for your safety and your childrens safety.

Second take it from someone who has done it.....DONT stop nursing your child until you and him are both ready. I nursed my DD and then stopped when she got older because of the looks and comments. I regreat not nursing her until she was ready to stop. I miss that emotional closness I had at the time.

Third....you have to do what is right for you. Dont let any outside influences choose what you do with your life. You and you alone need to be happy with your life and what makes your children happy and healthy. If your friends dont like what you are doing with your life then maybe you need different friends.

Please take care of yourself and your children.


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## mom2alicia (Nov 30, 2004)

ditto to 5th attempt. when i am feeling lonely and/or overwelmed, i find i need breaks and even better BEFORE i am feeling lonely and/or overwelmed. i can't count on my husband for those breaks because he works long hours so i swap babysitting with a friend, and i use a teen in our neighborhood to babysit. this is just for 1-2 hours once or twice a week but it makes a world of difference for me to get that break. my patience is so much better with my daughter and my husband when i take these breaks. i also think getting out of the house is ultra important. going to the park or the bookstore wherever you and your kids enjoy going. staying home alone with young children for long periods of time is not a good idea IMO. you can build a support system of people to be around through a moms club, church, neighborhood, etc. i hope things get better for you soon.
p.s. cut the calls to hubby at work. post to a message board, call a friend, write in a journal. talk to hubby when he is home from work. if he is late, he is late. you and the kids can still eat. you can still go to meetings or appts even if it means he misses it.


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