# Do you have resentment/jealousy toward your sibling(s)?



## TranscendentalMom (Jun 28, 2002)

I've read and heard so much debate about how having more than one child means you don't have as much attention to give to your existing child. But just this weekend after a visit with my little bro, I realized...I have absolutely NO resentment toward him whatsoever for this. We have our issues, and we haven't always been close...but its clear to me that it is due to personality clashes..not resentment that he got more attention from our parents. The interesting thing is that if I analyze it, he did get a lot more attention than me...in part because he was younger but also because he was such a high needs child. But I never felt like I got less love or was jealous of him. I have issues with my parents, too, but this is just simply not one of them. I'm very glad to have a brother and I don't feel neglected at all because of it. But then again, maybe if I had a bunch of siblings I would feel different.

So is it all hogwash? What is your experience? I guess I'm just tossing all this around as we are still debating if we should have a 2nd child.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

No not resentment - my younger brother and I have always been close. BUT, he was the only son of an only son and the gender bias of my dad and my dad's family (who we grew up around) was always crystal clear to me. I used to cry sometimes, but I never blamed him. I still get fussy when I see it and this fussyness is only focused on my brother when he (often) refuses to recognize it. He really thinks the playing field is level - if he would just recognize it, I wouldn't hold ANY bad feelings for him over it.

Oh to answer your question - this never was about love or attention, just a certain kind of emphasis that was given to my brother. But I am a middle child, so I never knew my parents without a sibling and my brother was born when I was just shy of 2, so I don't remember life without him (and I was quite fond of him when he and I were young - didn't want to leave him to go to school etc).


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## LiamnEmma (Nov 20, 2001)

No. But for years and years I did have lots of pent up aggression and anger toward my oldest brother. It was tied up in a lot of things, and quite frankly had nothing to do with how much attention I got since, as the youngest, I got A LOT. I think it's normal to be somewhat jealous of siblings, and I think that feelings you have as a toddler or very young child are different from those you have as a child or adolescent. Then different again as a teen and young adult. We change, we add experiences and understanding to our repertoires and hopefully we ultimately make peace with our childhoods.

Parenting has tons to do with it as well. For example, it's always been obvious that my mother favors my brother. She just dotes on him. Now that I'm a mother I can totally see why. Her perspective of him is different than mine is as a sister 8 years younger, kwim? And in contrast, I have always been my father's obvious favorite--certainly this fanned flames in my brother's heart as well. In my own mind I don't have a favored child, but I can see why my ds would think I favor dd, and I can see why dd would think I favor ds. There are certain qualities that each child has that I respond to--some positively some negatively--and this impacts their perspectives.

I had very similar feelings when I was first pregnant with dd. And the guilt grew after she was born, because it was true, I simply didn't have the same kind of attention to bestow on ds. There was more tag-teaming on the part of dh and I and I really resented it at times on behalf of both my children. Simultaneously I felt badly for dd--she didn't get my undivided attention as an infant as ds had. But they've grown, and it's changed and ultimately for our family I think that the sibling relationship outweighs the lessened attention. And honestly, I think it's good for kids to have a little less focus on them from time to time. They have a chance to develop their own ways of doing things and they have some time to do stuff that they wouldn't have a chance to do if mom was only focused on them (mischief comes to mind in the case of my kids).

I'm a huge proponent of providing children with siblings if it is at all possible. I think the sibling relationship is unique and varied over time and possibly richer than the parent-child relationship. I think it's great to have somebody who can commiserate with you on the craziness of your parents when you are an adult. Somebody who understands as intimately as you how truly crazy your parents are--or are not. Somebody who is your contemporary, who has seen you in some of your worst moments and who understands you completely. At this point I prefer the company of my siblings and my dh's siblings (whom I've known for more than 20 years) to almost any other person socially. There is implicit understanding, real communication and true relationship that hinges on unconditional love. Even when I'm totally p.o.ed at somebody (usually in dh's family) I know we're still getting together in a few weeks and that things will be okay. Go for it I say!


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

Nope. I'm the oldest, with a sister 4 years younger and another sister 10 years younger than me. I remember my middle sister being born. (Not the actual birth -- I wasn't there.) There are a couple of family snapshots where I look less than thrilled. :LOL My parents claim that there were some minor jealousy issues, but my *memories* of a new baby in the family are nothing but positive. The arrival of my littlest sister was pure joy. I was starting to have a bit of a hard time socially (heading toward middle school - yuck!) and helping to care for her gave me a real sense of purpose and value in my family. Not that I didn't feel valued by my parents just for myself -- I did -- but it made my contribution to the family concrete and made me feel good. I've never had a rivalry issue with my youngest sister. My other sister and I joke about her getting all the breaks as the baby of the family, but we don't resent it. She's a great kid!

When my middle sister and I were children, we had some rivalry. I remember feeling as if my parents always expected me to be the responsible one. For example, when we were 2 and 6, they might get irked with me if I got out the paints for both of us (without asking) and she got paint on the carpet. This seemed like a major injustice at the time, although now I understand where they were coming from! :LOL But like previous posters have stated, I didn't translate those feelings to my sister. I was mad at my *parents* for those kind of things. I remember telling them once that I wished I was an only child. My mom shot back that it was just because I thought it would mean more "stuff" for myself. She was right!









So I can honestly say that I harbor no resentment. I credit my parents for this mostly. They did a good job raising us in a family where we were all loved and respected for who we were. If anything, I feel guilty for some of the mind games I played on my poor middle sister. Being 4 years older, I really had an advantage there. I would tell her that our parents and I were aliens and that her real family had been kidnapped, etc. When we were older, I said some cruel things about her body which were a reflection of my own issues with *my* body. I still feel bad for those things, but I don't think she resents me for them. I've apologized for them, and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal. We are quite close as adults.


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## andi_3k (Oct 22, 2002)

No. I have a lot of resentment for being made to feel "less" because I am female...but not because they got more attention than me. It was always made very clear that the boys were given more and better-stuff, attention for the sole reason that they were boys and that I just "better get over yourself, missy". My father, to his dying day felt the boys were better, and made no secret of it.
I resent how my parents acted, and still act, but I don't resent my younger brother for it.....I do however resent my parents, at times.


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## katt (Nov 29, 2001)

there are five of us within 3 years. I know for a fact that my parents bestowed more attention on others, at least I felt that way at times growing up. BUT... I don't resent or love my siblings any less because of it.
We fought a lot growing up, no denying that. Kinda hard not to, at least with all of us being so different.


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## katt (Nov 29, 2001)

oopss.. sorry double post.


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## NaomiLorelie (Sep 2, 2004)

I have two sisters that are five and six years younger than me. After they both came I remember it seeming like my parents doted on them and many of my memories were of me feeling like I wasn't really a part of my family. I used to have lots of resentment towards my sisters because I was expected to clean up after them and both my parents used my sisters to go through my property and spy on me. My father would also tell them nasty things about me. Obviously there were TONS of other issues going on there as well. Now that we are all adults, they are very close, and while I get along well with them and we love each other, I feel like my parents robbed me of the ability to be close to my sisters. I do harbor a lot of resentment towards my parents but never toward my sisters. I don't think that this was a 'normal' situation though. My father has been telling my middle sister that she's his favorite since she was twelve, and at the same time when I asked him for financial help with college I was told that he couldn't because he had to pay for her to go to college.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I was resentful of my little sis (7 years younger) growing up but that pretty much ended in my teenage years.

btw I was the oldest and was always stuck babysitting her when she was younger







not to mention she got me in trouble constantly. lol.


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## Cloverlove (Jan 2, 2003)

I am the youngest of 1 sister and 2 brothers. They are all a year or so apart and I came along 5 years later. If anything, they should have been resentful towards me, as I received A LOT of attention. I can really see how too much was expected of my sister. I am 8 years younger than her and probably was a spoiled brat, but she still really loves me and we are very close. My brothers have always been so kind to me and I have really happy memories of growing up with them.









So, no, my siblings didn't resent me- even though they had every reason to.


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

I thoroughly resent my youngest sister, because I feel like in a lot of ways I'm still expected to run around behind her and clean up her mistakes. It's not only my mother who has this expectation (and she definately does); my sister has it too. It's not a feeling or a guess-- anyone who's ever encountered us in real life knows that I am expected to be responsible for my sister even now, when she's 22 years old and supposedly an adult.

That said, I think it has more to do with our situation and our particular family dynamic than anything else. I don't think that it's a requisite part of having siblings at all.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I don't necessarily resent my brother I resent the way my parents treat him. They have always been very lax on the rules with him. My grandmother lived with us growing up, and she catered to him. In alot of ways he was treated like a baby. She cut his meat for him until he was 16. Rules were bent and changed for him. When I was a kid we had dinner at 5 every day. When my brother started highschool he decided he didn't want to be home by 5 he wanted to be out with his friends. If I would have come home after dinner I would have been grounded, but because he wanted to stay out he got to, and we started having dinner later to make him happy. It has continued like that to this day. My parents refuse to make him behave as an adult even though he is a father now. He will probably never be able to make it on his own. But I don't blame him, it was the way they raised him. They raised him to need them, and to need to be babied. Hopefully he will eventually realize this problem and grow up, or at least find a wife who is willing to mother him. But some how I doubt it.


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## mommymushbrain (Nov 2, 2002)

I resent the way my parents treated myself and my sister. I am the "oldest" technically, however 11 months before I came along, my parents had a set of twins who died due to being born prematurely. So I was the one that was the most protected, so to speak... my parents kept a stricter hand upon me and gave me more restrictions than my younger sister.

As for my own children, I do find myself babying the youngest more than my older two... and I hate that feeling. I have been trying my damnedest to keep the mommy playing field equal.


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommymushbrain*
I resent the way my parents treated myself and my sister. I am the "oldest" technically, however 11 months before I came along, my parents had a set of twins who died due to being born prematurely. So I was the one that was the most protected, so to speak... my parents kept a stricter hand upon me and gave me more restrictions than my younger sister.

As for my own children, I do find myself babying the youngest more than my older two... and I hate that feeling. I have been trying my damnedest to keep the mommy playing field equal.

I don't know, but I think that babying the youngest a little kinda comes naturally. Sounds like maybe your parents over did it, but that doesn't mean that a little babying is bad. Each position in the family has it's pros and cons -- one of the pros of being the youngest is that your parents have learned to relax and enjoy each stage of childhood more. That often results in them picking fewer battles, etc. Also, in our family, like many others, my parents were better off financially by the time my youngest sister was a teenager, so she got more "stuff" and more opportunities (for travel, etc.) than my middle sister and I did. As the oldest, I think more restrictions and higher expectations are one of the biggest cons, but the pros are that you get to be the first to do "big kid" or grown up stuff, and parents often pay more attention on the oldest, if for no other reason than they have to spend more time figuring out what's going on every time a new situation comes up!

Obviously, parents can screw up. If the disparities are too great, or one child seems to get all the "pros" and none of the "cons", that creates a problem. But I think trying to be totally "fair" can create problems as well. Each child is unique and has a unique situation within the family. The most important thing is to treat each child *individually* with love and respect. It will look different with each one, and in childhood, kids may complain about fairness sometimes. (But they would complain just as much if you set up the expectation that everything *should* be exactly fair, since you won't be able to live up the that standard all the time.) As they mature, they will hopefully internalize your respect for everyone in the family, including themselves.


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## Calm (Sep 17, 2004)

I have four brothers, no sisters, but my youngest brother is 10 years older than me. So I had an upbringing almost like an only child, with added bonuses. I loved being an "only child" soooo much, that I don't want any more than my one daughter. At the very least, I will wait until she is 10 or so, so i can give her many years of undivided attention. And big age differences were great for our family.

There is no resentment of course between my brothers and I, mostly because of this age difference. And we have always been close, and now I consider all of them my best friends. I think my approach, to have children spaced widely apart, is having my cake and eating it too - just keeping it in the refrigerator for a while first!

With love.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Yes LOTS!!! But it was because they were half siblings and were able to live with Daddy and have a two parent family. They had tons of nice things and lived in a nice house, while I lived in a single wide with my single mother. I was VERY resentful. I only saw my father a handful of times since we were on opposite coasts, and NEVER once had a moment alone with him.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I wish I had a sibling to be jealous of. Honestly. My brother passed away when I was 9, he was very handicapped so he didn't play much. I was always very lonely. Now as an adult I wish I had a brother or sister to call up and chat once in awhile.

My baby is just 8 mos. old and there is some jealousy with my 3yo towards the baby, but I think that we've handled it pretty well. She's learning she can share mommy and daddy and we still have enough love for her as well as the baby. Now she's starting to give spontanous hugs and kisses to the baby and it warms my heart.

I've never regretted having the 2nd child and never will. I think when they grow up they will need each other and be glad for each other.

(Not criticizing single-child families *at all* because it's a personal decision. Just saying that I would never limit my family size because of worries about jealousy or whatever.)

Darshani


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## frand (May 8, 2004)

My mother desperately wanted a son all her life -- and had four girls, me being the last, before it finally happened. As a result, she favored my brother in ways that were unbelievably hurtful and, while my brother and I love each other, there will always be issues between us because of this. The interesting thing is I never acknowledged the hurt until I became a parent and started remembering how hostile she was toward me as a matter of day to day living. When I tried to imagine saying some of the things to my daughter that she said to me I unexpectedly burst into tears!

My main feeling in the end is, I would much rather have life with siblings than without. My sisters have been a great source of love and friendship-- in fact my one sister probably kept me from getting suicidal at one point in my life--not intentionally, just by being nice! However, there were lots of fights and arguments when we were young and you would have never known then how close we'd become as adults.

I think that when parents are conscious and caring about each child's feelings, sibling rivalry is a normal part of life that teaches you invaluable skills for learning to get along with other people. There is much more to be gained from having siblings than not --again, if the parents are making efforts to treat the children as fairly as possible.


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