# My soon-to-be 12 year old DD confided in me she is bisexual



## Openbutwithquestions (Jul 12, 2015)

and I am so trying to handle this in the best way possible. Luckily my DH and I are on the same page. Its complicated but in a nutshell DD is extremely intelligent and mature but conversely naive for her age. She has a cell phone and we allowed her to get an Instagram account that I admit that we have been lax in monitoring. 

We do have rules and she is a "rule-follower" to the point that we joke that she is an 80 year old man in an 11 year-old girl's body. When she told me she was bi-sexual, my first reaction was to just let out my breath (I was so afraid it was going to be something horrible) and hug her and tell her "You are who you are. You know I love you and always will." We went on to have a brief conversation (she was overwhelmed and embarrassed, understandably) where I told her that homosexuality has always been a non-issue with me personally. My brother is gay. I am 50. My parents are in their late 80's and they always accepted my brother's partners. His ex-partner is in our wedding pictures, etc. 

But I suspected I was not getting the whole story. A few days before she told me she had given out her cell phone number to her Instagram friend who lives on the other side of the state. When I asked her who else she had told that she was bisexual, she told me it was that girl and me. She has a cell phone with the understanding that I have access to it and am entitled to her passwords. Used them more at the beginning but she is a truthworthy kid so became lax. Then I put 2 and 2 together and looked at her cell phone and realized that she and this internet friend are girlfriends and her friend is "pansexual". 

After talking to my husband and feeling like I betrayed my girl, we are both on the same page. We do not want to shame her but there was an incident a few weeks ago where her friends just dropped her very rudely and for no apparent reason. We live in a small country town where there is more than a large possibility that if she told anyone, she would be tortured in school and dropped by her friends. 

We are walking a fine line here between trying to protect her from bullying in 6th grade (oh the horrors. I remember) and giving her the idea that she should be ashamed of being "different". I had a talk with her this morning where I tried to walk the line and told her that it wasn't a matter of her sexuality but that she shouldn't be discussing her sexuality with anonymous people on the internet. Bottom line is that I told her that she is too young to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and that she violated our rules regarding social media. She's 11. She sent a good-bye email to her girlfriend and said she was going to be off social medial for a while, as per my instructions. I know the suicide rate for LGBT teens and am afraid to death of making a mistake. 

I did mention to her that, although we didn't think it was appropriate for her to discuss her sexuality with anyone other than me or her father, if she thought it would make her feel better to have someone who might make her feel better and a neutral person to understand, she could talk to a therapist and she thought that was a good idea. Seriously, WTF does a parent do in this situation that is in crisis mode? I love her more than life itself and only want to protect her and keep her safe and happy.


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## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

OMG, I thought I was the only one. Your situation is uncannily similar to my family's. Just a backstory, so you know where I'm coming from on this: My daughter came out as bi to me when she was 12, just this winter and I knew she was hanging out with this girl last summer quite a bit more than her other best friend but I didn't think anything of it other than that she found another good friend. Then they had a falling out. She started going on social media and made her own facebook account. She too is normally conscious about following rules, but these are preteens and they are starting to test their limits with us parents and doing things to let us know they want more freedom and independence in their life. So, I let her have it with conditions and monitoring. She began talking to this girl whom she met through a friend from her old school. I thought they were just friends but I started seeing that their posts were a little too "friendly". Nothing super inappropriate. Just lovey dovey, puppy love stuff. I didn't really say much. Then one day, we were discussing LGBT stuff after watching something on T.V. and she came out. Dawn was scared because she had watched a video on youtube called "How not to react when your son tells you he's gay". It's a homemade video where this guy comes out to his parents and then his mom starts screaming at him and beats him up. Dawn thought I would react like that despite her knowing that I'm cool with LBGT people. Her class knows. Her friends know. She's not getting "tortured". She's not made fun of nor being beaten up. She says a few of her friends describe themselves as bi or lesbian. My daughter is not with this girl anymore. She did go out with a boy for a week and said she doesn't like boys anymore because they are so immature and lewd. I don't blame her. She wanted to come out to the family but I advised her not to. Someone as young as her would not be taken seriously and the attention would be placed on me and how I have raised her. My mom is very anti-LBGT. She doesn't even believe it's something your born as and she thinks it's an insult to women. Dawn's dad's parents are devote Christians. They seem to be a bit more open minded, but you never know them. So, she hasn't told anyone else.

I had a rule that wasn't to get into relationships until she was done school. I'm reinstating that rule as we have found she is not emotionally ready for relationships. During her relationships she becomes distant from her other friends and becomes severely stressed. One girl taught her how to cut herself and now that is something she struggles with. We have taken Dawn to a psychiatrist and he has given me a list of resources that help kids who are LBGT. 
Since then, my daughter is questioning whether she is bi, lesbian or straight.

What I told her is to not worry about the label for now. Focus on school, anxiety treatment and having fun with friends and family. Whom ever she chooses as a partner later in life I'll support as long as they treat her right. 
My advice is just that. Be there for her to listen and offer sound advice. I don't know how accepting kids are in small communities. I guess it all depends on the people. If she has told other kids and nothing has come of it, then I wouldn't worry about it. It's normal for adults who were bullied in school to have the same apprehensions about their kids getting bullied. I struggle with it all the time. But kids are raised and taught differently than when we went to school. Homosexuality is taught in school, at least it is in Canada, as part of the curriculum. If there is issues, you can try contacting the school guidance counsellor and ask for resources. But just let her know that she is too young to be dating and that it's okay for her to feel the way she is about her sexuality, however she'll be changing her thoughts on it throughout her teenhood and she may feel differently when she's older, or not. If she doesn't have one, give her a private diary for her to write in. Tell her to keep it and she can look back on it. It will give her some insight as to how much she will change over the course of the next decade. 
I remember being experimentive with a close friend in junior high. Bi wasn't really a thing. You were either gay or straight. There was a lot of bad views on being gay. Kids joked about it with each other. By high school, we were starting to learn more openly about being gay and what these people had to go through. I realized I was straight pretty soon, by grade 9. I think with such awareness that is getting to kids younger and younger, they may be wanting to test the waters sooner, or perhaps thinking more about which way they swing. Until they are older, they won't know for sure, so it's best not to pressure it on them after they come out to you.

Here are some sites you may find helpful:
http://www.biresource.net/forparents.shtml 
http://www.posimages.org/resources/for-parents-questions-and-answers/


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I don't think it's realistic to tell a twelve year-old not to discuss her sexuality with her friends. Twelve year-olds discuss that stuff all the time. They talk about who they like, who they think is cute, and what they expect from their first kisses. 

What can you do to connect with open-minded communities and find safe spaces for your daughter? Unitarian camp? Drama workshops? PFLAG?


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## oldsmom (Jul 8, 2015)

These days it's pretty common for girls to get confused. She may think she's bi now, and later identify differently. Both of my SD's went through this. We just remained neutral and let them live their lives. 

My mom pointed out that when she was a teen-ager, girls often went through a phase that we would now define as "bi" but no one even batted an eye at it. That was just part of being a girl back then. It was only after we started labelling everything that things got weird.

Not to say that your DD might now actually be bi - just make sure you don't paint her into a corner prematurely.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

It isn't realistic to tell a 12-year-old not to discuss her sexuality with her friends that she knows in person. It is wise to tell her not to discuss her sexuality with people she met on Instagram!!! BIG difference. It sounds like she may not be ready for social media. We have told our son that Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, etc. all require users to be at least 13 years old (this is true; it's in the user agreements) so we will not even consider letting him have an account until he is 13; we don't care if his friends' parents let them break the rules; we will not allow it.

It is also wise to tell her that, unfortunately, you live in a place where there is little tolerance for LGBT people, so she should keep her sexuality private except when talking privately with her closest friends.

It's great that you are being open-minded and accepting of her orientation. As others have said, it may change as she matures; let her know that that's okay, too.


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## DetroitMom (Apr 15, 2004)

I agree that you can't tell her not to talk to her "real life" friends, you are telling her to be ashamed of her feeling and hiding them. As much as you claim it is okay with you, it clearly isn't. Maybe you should talk to your brother and ask for his help. He could give your daughter an adult family member to talk to about a topic that clearly makes you uncomfortable.

Personally, I am not sure most 13 year olds are really ready for social media and will put that off for as long as possible. 

While my sister is a bit ....more liberal than most. She is a high school teacher and runs the LGBT club (it is a huge school with about 4000 students). When her daughter come out to earlier this year, my sister responded my asking which half liked girls because if it was the bottom half at least she wouldn't have to worry about her getting pregnant. She then made an OBGYN appointment for her daughter and had the doctor talk to her about save sex between all types of couples. My niece is 15 so a couple of years older than your daughter.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

DetroitMom, I don't see anything in the OP that makes me think she is uncomfortable with her daughter's sexual orientation. What I'm seeing is that she's uncomfortable with the idea of her daughter having a girlfriend she met online who seems to be more experienced, and with the idea of her daughter being harassed or socially ostracized because of intolerant attitudes in their local area. Those are reasonable concerns. Her daughter's "real life" friends are part of the local culture, and she's already seen signs that these friends may have dropped her, which could well have been motivated by the friends' judgment of the girl's orientation. Telling her that **other people** may have a problem with her orientation is not the same thing as having a problem with it yourself or telling her to be ashamed.

I do agree that it might be helpful for the daughter to talk with her gay uncle, BUT the right way to do this is to suggest it to the daughter. Telling the uncle about it without asking the daughter is betraying her confidence.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

If it's any comfort the higher-than-average suicide rate in gay and lesbian teens seems to be concentrated in those unfortunate kids who do not have a loving, accepting parent like you.


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## TheProudPath (Mar 30, 2017)

*Coming out is never easy*

Hey there,
As a gay person I recognize that coming out is weird, and difficult. To help parents with understanding, I've got a free course online aimed at teaching parents the basics about being LGBTQIA, so they can be supportive for their children. I hope it helps!

The Proud Path . com
-Nathaniel Gray


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