# I am a bully.



## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I am so low on energy and patience that I've become a bully to my dd1. When words don't work, I result to grabbing her arm or shirt or yelling.







It's terrible and our dynamic is very negative right now. I feel like we are in a cycle of negativity and I can't get us out. I'm falling further and further from my 'ideal' way of parenting and going closer and closer to the type of parent I used to cringe at.







I hate myself right now, I feel like a failure at this whole mothering thing.

Please help me get out of this slump!!! I don't even know what to ask advice for, there are issues regarding everything with dd1 right now. Most of it is my control issues, and her reaction to my ridiculous need to control the stupidest little things. I KNOW this, I just can't let it go!!!

Is there a book or something that could help me work through this??!? I know it's me, she is just reflecting my negativity...Please help us!!!


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## sweetmama3 (Apr 9, 2008)

Im new, but want to sub to this thread, because I have been feeling the exact same way with BOTH my 2yo and 7yo....


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## smartair (Apr 8, 2007)

I was here about 3 weeks ago. I was so sad at the way things were going at our house I actually would cry at night.
I took a step back and here is what I did:
1. Canceled all playdates and outings (execpt necessary ones like groceries)
2. Started running in the am with my boys in the jogging stroller. We stop at a park so they can play, then I finish my run.
3. Whenever I am feeling like "crap, this sucks"... I try to think of why I am thankful for this situation. Example: DS1 screaming head off because DS2 knocked his beloved block tower over for the 3rd time. I am thankful that my DS1 is such a passionate person, I am thankful for my DS2 being so persistant, I am thankful that we have blocks to play with, and I am thankful to be home to witness and confront this problem WITH them. (I got this idea from an article in Mothering this month and adapted it to my life)

That said, it doesn't always work. I yelled at my 16mo old yesterday







. But I hadn't yelled in 3 days (quite an accomplishment for me). Once I yelled though, I realized we needed a change of sceenery and went to the park.

ALL relationships are like roller coasters. They have highs and lows, it's just how you deal with the lows that count. Give yourself credit for asking for help and trying to figure out what is wrong.

Best of luck, you can do this!!!


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## lincap (Aug 12, 2005)

nak

I hear your pain!! I have had a very short temper with DS1 29 months old... very short. To give me a break, he is watching Super Why right now..

I am trying to start each day happy but DS1 starts the day whining and crying.
Plus it is a struggle to get DS1 dressed... i try to do it when DS2 sleeps... but DS1 fights it, then he is ready as soon as DS2 cries and needs to nurse!!

Playing outside helps, having activities hepls, snacks help, but balancing a newborn and toddler is tough!


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

between having fibromyalgia and 4 kids i am running ragged as well. i try to be silly most of the time as this makes them laugh but sometimes i find myself yelling and being cranky. it is hard being a mom. my mom always says to be silly and sometimes stick your fingers in your ears and run around singing lalalalalalalalala.

also can anybody tell me what the d in dh dd ds etc stands for?


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Superbeanie52* 
also can anybody tell me what the d in dh dd ds etc stands for?

Either "dear" or "darling."

OP - Not really sure what to offer as far as advice, but hang in there. You are not a failure and there's no need to hate yourself.







We all go through slumps now and then. Sounds like you need to reconnect with the kids. I'd throw everything else to the wind and focus on them for a while. Give up on ideals and trying to be all "AP" or "GD." Just connect and have a good time. Things will look up. Go easy on yourself, good luck!


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

thanks. i thought that is what it was. I really like the supprt on here. you're great. :>


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

I hear ya! I have been feeling the same way and I notice it happens most when there is so much going on such as too much homework; too much cleaning; jam-packed schedule...when things are calmer, I am calmer and she is also...routines are important and so is fresh air! One day at a time..


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
Either "dear" or "darling."


Let's not forget "dastardly" and "devious"







(They aren't, really, but they can sometimes seem that way...)


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

I thought they stood for "draining" and "destructive" lol!:


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## bellacymom (Apr 3, 2008)

You are not alone! I am working on it but most days I hate myself because I start yelling and getting grabby with my 3 year old.







I am trying but it is REALLY hard on the days when I get no sleep because of the little one. *hug*


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen


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## ktmama (Jan 21, 2004)

I've really been feeling this way with my kids for the past week or so. This is really uncharacteristic of me. Three things I find helpful:

1. In moments of stress, I stop and say "ooooommmmm" (for real I do and it really helps).
2. I flood my dd2 with love and attention. I try to change the energy by "catching" her in a peaceful place and telling her I love her and giving her lots of hugs and kisses. This is actually work for me, since I'm not normally a demonstrative person.
3. I play with her one on one a lot more that usual and that helps us connect too.

HTH.


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

If I'm reading your signature right, you've just recently had a second baby? If that's the case I'd say what you are going through is totally normal! You must be tired from night feeds and wakings and I have heard from *alot* of Mama's that when their second was born they had very little patience for their first, and sometimes just flat out didn't like them. I'd say give yourself time to adjust, and try and give your oldest alot of one on one quality time. And forgive yourself!


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## Katwoman (Apr 15, 2004)

When I'm trying to make a change I try and do small steps, seems less overwhelming like that.

I try and tell DD's something I love about them when things are going well. Like a compliment when I'm walking by. Lets them know I love them.

I have apologized for screaming. Explained Mom's are perfect and don't always do everything right.

I cut myself a break when I'm really tired. That doesn't mean I think it's okay to yell, I just remind myself I'm doing the best I can and recommit to being better the next time I open my mouth.

I get some one on one time with each child every day. Even if it's just reading a book or a really good long snuggle/hug. Just a way to connect with them on an individual level.

Try and watch for negative interactions that can be turned around. My DD2 loves to bang on things with heavy objects. When I'm tired and frazzled my first thought is to just tell her no. (Which I find negative.) But what I really mean it, you can bang on the carpeted floor with that. Here let me show/remind you. So I try and watch for the no's and make them into something positive or something I mean. Does that make sense? I find it helps with the overall "tone" of the house.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Oh, I think we've all been there mama. With my 33 month old (who's developmentally around 24 months) when I get frustrated and angry, I try to do something really silly, like yelling out in a funny way (instead of yelling *at*her in a mean way, I'll be like "buggady buggady boooo! and shake it out or dance or something like that). She thinks it's funny so we both start laughing and it eases the tension. Or i"ll scoop her up and blow raspberries on her belly, things like that.

I'm having a much harder time with my almost 7 year old. She's in a really snotty disrespectful stage and I'm not handling it well


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## juju's mom (Mar 30, 2005)

I second the "Playful Parenting" book and also "Unconditional Parenting"

When I am exhausted, fresh air ALWAYS helps my mood and in turn the kids get in better moods. They feed off my moods so much that I really have to watch myself.

Hugs to you. I have been in your spot.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

Thanks for all the kind words of support and advice!!! I know I can count on you guys. I've been trying all the suggestions, and clearing our schedules so that we can just chill at home. DH has been sick, and no help at all, so that's been especially hard.

Yes, I did just have a second baby, almost 3 months ago. It's been great, she is very easy going, despite waking frequently at night. I guess so much of my stress is the incredible guilt I feel regarding dd1. I know I'm tired and impatient, and that her life has changed dramatically in the past 3 months. All in all, she is coping well, it's me that is not.

I had a long talk with dh this morning, just about helping me out more, and giving me a break from the kids more often. I'm nannying another 3 year old in addition to my two, and I'm also trying to start a home business. Yeah, needless to say I"m a bit overwhelmed lately!!!


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

I have been a lot shorter on patience since I had a baby in Dec

Hang in there Mama!


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## sailormom (Jan 6, 2002)

Thak you so much for posting this. I am in the same boat, and I have been feeling like I am drowning!!!

I,too, have a new baby,six month old, adn my six year old has been unbearable-hitting,screaming all the time, spitting, throwing things. I have always wated to be a kind loving GD mom, but lately I have been scraming adn yelling and grabbig and feeling like a complete failure!!

I have been trying technique after technique and she is so incredibly stubborn it is mind blowing!!









I have been totally lost and feeling so mad at her, this thread has really helped an dgiven me some feedback









Lately I have been so sleep deprived and exhausted adn confused about waht to sdo with her, and feeling so bad for my ds( the baby) that he has to hear and see her going crazy all the time, that I have been thinking this is just too hard. I ham homeschooling her,too and have been wondering if I should put her in school adn get a break.

This thread has helped me stop and take a breath. Oh, I hope things will get better soon!!


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## starshine1001 (Feb 16, 2008)

Thank you for this thread!! I'm in the same boat with my 3.5 yo DS...I guess we all get there at some point or the other! When I get pissy and grabby, I feel so terrible, especially when I see such a look of shock on my DS's face.







I'll try some of the advice offered here. I, too, am the mother of a new babe and a young one, as well as WAH full-time and WOH part-time. It can get very stressful....but we can rise above it...right!?!?!


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## chaimom (Aug 22, 2007)

Xxxc


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

You are not alone. I have btdt. Lately, I find that I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed with everything. My dh is deployed and will be gone until March 2009. It's me with 3 kiddos and one dog. I have friends and support networks in place but it's not the same as having dh home to help out too.

I am finding that there are times I've gone through a full day without so much as hugging my kiddos more than when they first wake up. Augh! It makes me feel horrible. I am recognizing where I want to fix things and that I need to slow down to enjoy the kids more.

I like how the pp mentioned she canceled all playdates, appointments, would go running and then to the park. It's the simple little things.

Hugs to you. I hope you can figure out what you need to do to make the changes you want. Be gentle with yourself. I find that I often am harder on myself for my behavior that I dislike than my kiddos.


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## ochoco (Oct 19, 2005)

Just wanted to chime in and say I came to these boards today for this reason. I am sick to my stomach with how things have been with my 2 yo, it's the same as people have described - too much yelling and physically trying to control him. I hate, hate, hate it, and I've never been like this and never wanted to be. I am occasionally nervous posting here; some forums aren't as supportive in times of trouble, but it is so great to read this. Just to know that others go through this and understand and can get out of it again and be the parents they want to be and know they can be.

I love the suggestions here. The link I see with all of us is exhaustion. I am so tired lately, and when I'm tired my sense of humor and sense of proportion go out the window. I actually own Playful Parenting and haven't done more thans kimmed it, as ds has always been very easygoing. Now he's discovering his own mind and wanting independence, and I need to catch up and make sure that I'm doing right by him.

Anyway, OP, you are brave to post what you did, thanks for that. I feel more hope for our situation, and I'm looking forward to ds waking up from his nap so I can give him some hugs.


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## beka1977 (Aug 1, 2004)

When my DS (4.5) and I get into this it becomes a cycle - I am annoyed and try to control more, so he does more things that upset me, so I get even more awful. It sucks.

During these phases ( which were worst about 3 mos after my DD was born, but still come and go) I return to "survival" mode. There is only ONE goal. Make it through the day without yelling at anyone. Nothing else matters, not the dishes, not the errands, nothing.

When my son is doing something that is driving me crazy I ask myself, "Is this dangerous/destructive or merely really annoying?" If it is just annoying, as most things are, I just let it go.

I also think about "is this the hill I want to die on?" Meaning is whatever this is about important enough to be my ultimate battle?

I have also found that in that moment, if instead of grabbing or yelling, I blurt out "I love you!" it really changes the energy of the situation. He is surprised and then happy, and really you can't say it without having the emotion of it sneak up on you.

Finally, when I was first adjusting to having two, I had to have a plan for what to do when it was spiraling towards BAD and my son was being physically aggressive. So in a moment of calm I decided that our safety was above all the most important thing. And when he got nuts I would say very calmly "You need to go sit in the stroller" which was parked in the living room. Having a plan in place meant that I didn't need to loose control - I knew what to do! And the moment of physical separation gave us all safety and a moment to regroup. I think that sometimes our mama bear is working so hard to protect the new little one that she snaps at the older annoying one.

Lastly if nothing else works I leave the house with the kids to go somewhere. I get them both strapped into the car and then I stand outside the car and take a few deep breaths. I enjoy my 2 seconds of peace and control, before I get in to deal. Besides, even on my worst day I am much nicer in public.


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## lemonbar (Apr 14, 2008)

My 5yo dd has been similarly difficult and at times I've yelled. I always try to talk with her about it once I've regained composure - I take responsibility for it, tell her how much I dislike getting to that place, and tell her that everyone makes mistakes and remind her that I love her. I also talk about how frustrating it is for me when she doesn't listen - adding that that while that does not make my yelling okay, listening would be one way to avoid it. Sometimes we talk about other ways to avoid these things (mommy shouldn't get too hungry!)

but writing this I wonder if it's a bad approach. Is it wrong to attribute some responsibility to her?

second point: I remember reading somewhere that at some point kids intentially provoke their parents - that they want to see what their angry parent looks like, and that getting angry and then resolving is important for their security. Sounds a little like rationalization... surely there is a limit on the kind of anger they can see. But my point is, as long as you're not making it personal (saying bad things about who they are) or physical then maybe having their parent hopping mad at them is part of their growing up process.

dunno. interested in your thoughts.

(sorry to be dull... but the icons elude me).


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

It is so hard to be kind, patient, compassionate when you are exhausted. The littlest things become such huge battles, don't they?
I, too, have read Playful Parenting, Unconditional Parenting, etc. They are great resources. But, the one book that spoke most to me was Time-Out for Parents by Cheri Huber. It speaks directly to the issue of control, why we think we need it, how to let it go, and being in the moment. Cheri is a zen teacher and her books are written in a very simple format, quick to read, and give you opportunitiesd to put ot practice what you learn. It has been an invaluable resource and the only book I reach for these days. It has taught me to recognize my feelings, the triggers that start the downward spiral of frustration, focus on my thinking when things get crazy, etc.

Mama, believe me when I tell you that I have BTDT. Having a new little one is a huge change for everyone. It doesn't take much for the mama bear to surface and take charge of the little ones. I have seen it in even the most serene of mamas. Take it moment by moment. It will get better.


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## Meems (Jan 8, 2007)

Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles (Sheedy- Kurcina)

Unconditional Parenting is also good.

I have found Siblings without Rivalry to be excellent at helping out w/ dealing w/ more than one child.

good luck to you.

my "heat of the moment" answer: I pretend someone else is here/ there/ wherever i am. I remember that I am my child's role model. I do NOT want her screaming at others or grabbing someone, etc. It usually means that I
1- choose my battles
2- give myself a second to think (it is OKAY to sit and think and then respond)
3- change the scenery. my mom's advice almost ALWAYS works. we just walk out onto the porch and we're instantly different people.

hth!


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## Kirstyandgirls (Nov 8, 2007)

Learning_Mum said:


> If I'm reading your signature right, you've just recently had a second baby? If that's the case I'd say what you are going through is totally normal! You must be tired from night feeds and wakings and I have heard from *alot* of Mama's that when their second was born they had very little patience for their first, and sometimes just flat out didn't like them. I'd say give yourself time to adjust, and try and give your oldest alot of one on one quality time. And forgive yourself![/
> 
> Thank you so much for posting this, I have a 4 year old dd and a newborn dd (7 weeks) I feel so connected to my new daughter but completly disconnected from my older girl - sometimes I just want her to go away and leave my in peace for a few minutes. I feel so guilty and have been really trying to spend time alone (even in baby is asleep in the sling) with my older daughter but sometimes I'm so tired and I end up shouting at her for the most trivial of reasons.
> 
> ...


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

Quote:

Thank you so much for posting this, I have a 4 year old dd and a newborn dd (7 weeks) I feel so connected to my new daughter but completly disconnected from my older girl - sometimes I just want her to go away and leave my in peace for a few minutes. I feel so guilty and have been really trying to spend time alone (even in baby is asleep in the sling) with my older daughter but sometimes I'm so tired and I end up shouting at her for the most trivial of reasons. I guess I'm just trying to say I'm glad I'm not abnormal and all the support directed at the op is helping me and my family too.

Kirsty x
I could have written this. I agree, it's good to know others struggle with these same feelings at times too.


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## smartair (Apr 8, 2007)

I also recomend Playful Parenting. It really helps me in times of tantrums or when I can see one coming. Sometimes just thinking of the title reminds me to be playful. KWIM?
WOW, today was a doosey, and I actually DID NOT YELL!!! I am so very excited. Tomorrow will be better, I can feel it.


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

Wow. Timely.

I have not been to MDC for months, but my three year old has suffered the brunt of my anger this week. She is just being three, but it is making me nuts. Yesterday, I worked to turn it around. What I focus on, I get more of. I grabbed my Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline and started focusing on more positive steps. Today was better.


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## bwylde (Feb 19, 2004)

Thank you for posting this. I have been at wits end and just feeling so mean and cranky all the time. I even had to leave the house during supper tonight as I thought I was going to explode. DS is just trying my every strand of patience and fights me about everything. There is so much other stress in my life and I'm so sleep deprived (insomnia) that I just don't feel I can cope at times.


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## FallingLeaves (Nov 30, 2006)

I am so glad you started this thread. I have a 3 month old and almost 3 yo and am going through the same thing. I know exaclty how you feel. I hate myself so much when I grab her or yell at her. I feel like a bully too.


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## yentroc (Jul 22, 2005)

I just want to chime in and thank you for starting this thread...

(BTW, OP, my dd is a 3/05 child too... I don't think it's a coincidence that they're both acting not so fun lately!)

I've been feeling horrible about yelling and losing my patience a lot and then feeling REALLY sad about the resultant lack of connection w/dd.

How do you stay feeling connected when your child annoys the @$#% out of you all day long? Some days after she's been pushing her boundries and testing my patience all day I just sit and stare at her while she sleeps and my heart fills with love (and guilt for the times when I let myself yell) and I feel connected. But then the next day starts all over again...


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

Wow. Just wow. I never thought so many mama's would be going through this! While I feel for all of you immensely, it does make me feel a little less alone. Here are some things I am trying...maybe they will help!

I've been trying really hard to put my feelings in check, because I notice that they can escalate faster than I can control them at times.

I've asked dh to step in when he sees that I am getting aggravated and totally take over the situation, even if I fight him on it in the moment.

I've also promised myself not to touch dd when I am feeling overwhelmed. I just don't trust myself to be gentle with her, and while I don't spank or hit, I am rough and I think it's just as bad as purposeful hitting.

We've been spending a ton of time outside, and I am trying to anticipate her getting bored by suggesting a change of activity. WHen she gets bored, she acts up, doing things she knows not to do and that triggers a response in me, which starts the whole cycle again. When I see that she is getting to that point, I force myself to take 5 minutes with her to redirect her to something fun. It's hard because I'm constantly being interrupted, but it's better to take 5 minutes than to try to finish what I am doing while getting more and more aggravated with her.

I am REALLY trying to let the little things go. This is hard for me, since I am a bit of a control freak, but I am making an effort. This is also difficult because I live with my mom and dh who aren't on the same page. They are into GD of course, but they see no problem with me exerting my will (force) on her if I need to. They also feel boundaries are very important. And so I'm constantly feeling the judgement from them too, and fighting them on how to raise dd. It's hard, there is stress either way. If I let it all go and dd goes nuts, I feel like they are just shaking their heads at me and my 'radical' parenting. If I go more mainstream, I feel like dd is suffering for it! I just get so frustrated with the situation sometimes, it's hard to know what to do.

Baby crying gotta go


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## monkeysmommy (Apr 3, 2003)

I have been there too. When I read your post, before I looked down at your sig, I said to myself, "I bet her kid is three."


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## Astoria (May 27, 2004)

One of the things that helps me in this situation is reading other things that speak to and inspire me. Sometimes Mothering Magazine helps. Or a memoir of someone I like and respect. I love reading Catherine Newman's column or her book Waiting for Birdy. I like reading High Tide in Tuscon by Barbara Kingsolver (she writes essays about her life, including time spent in very child-friendly cultures). Not advice or parenting books, per se, but books that bring out the more hopeful, grounded part of me.

It's very hard with a young baby, but you are totally on the right track about asking for more help and taking breaks. Your impatience is probably not really about her but about you not having what you need. Try to take those breaks from the kids and make them restorative, whether that means just sleeping or doing something else that makes you feel whole. When my kids were little, I needed these 15 minutes where I could lie with an afghan on the couch, read anything I wanted, and sip ginger ale with limes in it. It was my message to myself that I was not about anyone else at the moment and it felt to me like rest and indulgence. It's important to find that restorative thing for you, even if it has to be squeezed into 15 minutes. (And seriously, you know this, but when you are ready to yell or grab, actually force yourself to do the thing where you look away, count to 30, and breath deeply before responding. It's cliche but it does truly help.)


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## Adasmommy (Feb 26, 2005)

It's remarkable how many mammas said they were experiencing or had experienced the exact same feelings! I think it's so hard sometimes because our kids aren't using Gentle Discipline with us, and we have all the same needs, including being treated with respect.

So when we are treated rudely (and if we have not had sufficient rest, relaxation, and food to remember ourselves), we yell, just like they do under the same circumstances.

I guess my point is not to be too hard on yourself because we don't always get all the gentle discipline we deserve and the burden of teaching compassion is on us!

OP, your list of changes sounds so likely to improve things!







I'm adopting your "no touching when overwhelmed" rule because there have been a few times in the past when I have handled dd roughly and felt _awful_ about it.


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## ktarsha (Jul 30, 2006)

Been there. AM there. Most of the time, my son is sweet and wonderful and easy-going. But he's starting to really act Two - usually when I announce diaper time or toothbrush time. When his Two-ness coincides with my pregnant crabbiness, I end up losing my cool and grabbing his arm, or handling him roughly, and yelling. I hate it, and worry how I'll be when he's 3 and I have a newborn. I'm glad to see this thread; I'll have to find those books and try to put into practice some of the suggestions.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

"is this the hill I want to die on?"

I love that line. it totally sank in with me. I feel like everyday lately is a big battle. With fibromyalgia i am glad dd-12 and dsd-5 go to school. dsd-4 goes every other day and dd-1 is very attached. I am disabled sahm. i love my kids but sometimes feel like i cant stand them. the whining the screaming the fighting aaahhhhhh. siblings!
so next time I am in the middle of dinner and dd is clinging to my legs and dsd1 & 2 are fighting and whining, and dd is complaining about having to do dishes again for the (gasp) 3rd time this week, and dh is lying on the couch after his 12 hr workday trying to get the blood back in his feet (carpenter), i am going to stop and ask myself... "Is this the hill I want to die on?" i might just think no. This hill is not worth dying on.
Kids are a lesson in patience. i dont like losing my patience with them. I want them to know i always love them so i tell them.. "even when i am mad or yelling or quiet or resting or thinking or cooking or whining or fighting or etc i still love. just because we are having a difficult day doesn't mean i quit loving you."


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## frenchie (Mar 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy2abigail* 
I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I am so low on energy and patience that I've become a bully to my dd1. When words don't work, I result to grabbing her arm or shirt or yelling.







It's terrible and our dynamic is very negative right now. I feel like we are in a cycle of negativity and I can't get us out. I'm falling further and further from my 'ideal' way of parenting and going closer and closer to the type of parent I used to cringe at.







I hate myself right now, I feel like a failure at this whole mothering thing.

Please help me get out of this slump!!! I don't even know what to ask advice for, there are issues regarding everything with dd1 right now. Most of it is my control issues, and her reaction to my ridiculous need to control the stupidest little things. I KNOW this, I just can't let it go!!!

Is there a book or something that could help me work through this??!? I know it's me, she is just reflecting my negativity...Please help us!!!

OMG momma, I could've written this myself. I've totally gotten control of myself with the bullying. That came to an abrupt stop in December of 2005. I will never forget the day, it was devistating to me and my son. I'm a total control freak too, and I have to have constant dialogue with myself about it, when I'm dealing with the kids. I still take over sometimes, but my son uses his voice, and reminds me of what a big boy he is.
I don't know that I have any book suggestions for your control issues, though there is a book that helped me. I'm reluctant to post it here though. A good book for you in regards to discipline, is called Positive Discipline. It really helped me get some ideas on how to handle certain behaviors and common situations. I can't even pretend that I'm a gleaming example of GD, but I try. I try real hard!
Good luck momma!


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## neveryoumindthere (Mar 21, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frenchie* 
I don't know that I have any book suggestions for your control issues, though there is a book that helped me. I'm reluctant to post it here though.

If you are comfortable enough, would you PM me the name of the book you mentioned?


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## smartair (Apr 8, 2007)

Well, after several successful days of not being a bully, I broke today and was. I hate myself for it. My DH is ott, DS1 woke at 5, yelling he wanted oatmeal NOW!!! DS2 was up in the middle of the night several times, and I was just so very tired.
I was not nice to DS1 and he acually said to me, "be nice to me mommy!" He was right, it broke my heart.
The rest of the day was challenging but doable, until bedtime. DS2 was crying and whining ni,night all through bedtime routine, then when I was trying to put him down (nurse, read books, cuddle) he wouldn't go to sleep. Again, I was a bully and not so nice. It took over an hour to put him down, and YES he was tired. Meanwhile, DS2 is patiently waiting for me to read books to him. He finally passed out waiting.
I hate when days end like this. What sucks is that I had the power to make this go better but I got so wraped up in my emotions, and being tired that I choose to make it bad.
Must sleep now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

THis thread totally reflects how I've been feeling lately. I'm pregnant with #2, so my hormones are on edge as it is, and then we've got DS1 in the throes of the Throttling Threes. Seems like some days all he does is push my buttons all day long, over and over and over! He does something he's not supposed to do, I tell him to stop, he keeps doing it, I yell, he cries and screams and then goes to find something else he's not supposed to do. And it's made even worse because he is almost always an angel for DH, but never listens to me, so I feel like the most horrible awful person. It's usually over stupid insignificant stuff, but it's not WHAT he's doing that gets to me, it's HOW he's doing it, that he seems to be directly taunting me. Pretty ridiculous thing to expect from a 3-year-old, eh? *sigh*

I know this is a phase for both of us, everyone I've talked to says that 3.5 to 4 is a horrible age, and it doesn't help that I'm your typical preggo B!tch On Wheels either. So we are constantly at each other's throats. But I know it will pass. it HAS to. It doesn't seem like it will, but it had better, or I am seriously rethinking homeschooling, because I can't handle this.


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## rosie_plus_one (Aug 11, 2005)

I am very much in the boat with all of you. I have a 2 1/2 year old and an almost 1 year old. When I had just one child, I was incredibly judgemental of moms who yelled, became angry with their kids, handled them roughly, etc.

Now I am that mom, and I am more ashamed of that than anything else in my life. Even while I am doing it, in the moment, I am screaming at myself to stop, and I can't. I know that a lot of it is a control issue, similar to a lot of other moms that have posted here.

While I am still struggling with this on an hourly basis, we had one incredibly painful event that really changed my behavior. A three year old boy that we were close with died suddenly (he drowned in a pond outside his home), and I realized that I never wanted the last interaction with either of my boys to be a negative one. You can never know when an accident like that may happen.

So, after Dylan's death, I have set the goal that bedtimes will always end positively, even if I have to sneak in there after they are asleep and kiss them then. I always tell them how much I love them and kiss them before I leave the daycare center. You get the picture - end on a positive note.

While this has not helped the in-between times of chaos and conflict, it has improved things a bit. I want to echo the sentiments of thanks for starting this thread. I've never been honest to anyone about my actions as I am so ashamed, and even writing this reply is both making me cry and taking a huge weight off of my shoulders.


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

OK I have btdt, it's hard, so hard, books that changed my life, quite literally were Liberated Parents Liberated Children and also How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, I'm reading Playful Parenting at the moment, there are workshops all over the world for the How To Talk because it's been so successful, I'm doing one at the moment and intend to start running my own workshops from September however these books not only changed the way I deal with my kids but with everyone around me, my patience has grown enormously and everyone has commented on how much calmer I am, but also how much more assertive I am . In moments of madness between me and my kids we stop whatever we're doing, and go through a turn of events sort of thing, I explain I can only do one thing at a time so first of all I'll get a glass of water or a game out or whatever, then I'll get organised to nurse, I ask ds to sit on the couch and keep the seat nice and cozy for me until I'm ready, it seems to work, getting my dd to put on the yoga dvd or her yoga book out to do some poses has also really helped. When I had ds, dd was just coming up for 3 and her feelings were mixed, she had an extremely traumatic experience the day after ds was born and needed me just as much as he did and it was like a revelation, if the house was a mess then it would remain a mess for another day - just 24 hours its not the end of the world, keeping myself and my kids sane was more important. i learnt how to cat nap with ds whilst dd watched cbeebies it was only on for an hour (or at least the stuff she liked) things are so much better, I'm not saying that we don't have blips but in general we've improved a hundredfold. I also feel that showing emotion is an extremely powerful thing, letting your kids see that you're upset, angry, sad, happy are great things all emotions should be shown not just the 'happy' ones - that doesn't show an even balance. I drew faces - very simple ones which show the emotions frustrated, angry, happy, sad, crying (I copied some of the icons on mdc to increase our options!!) so that if the kids couldn't find the words to describe how they felt then they could show me by drawing or just pointing to the faces on the wall - it works really well and we use it alot. In Liberated Parents there's section on validating feelings which I found really 'liberating'!!! There's a website called www.consensual-living.com (I think it's run by someone who posts here on mdc) which is marvellous.
Have to go nurse my wee one - if I think of anything else I'll post again.
Hugs to you all and even although it doesn't feel like it at the moment there is always a little light at the other end of the tunnel and you and they do get better (especially if you're posting here!!!)


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