# Help! What can I expect? UPDATE: We brought our baby home



## rosemorningstar (Dec 20, 2004)

Help! What can I expect?
I was about 15 wks along in my pregnancy, and I had been following the UC forums on MDC. I was gaining so much strength in feeling I didn't really need anyone to help with birthing my baby. Plus, at about 9wks we had asked our potential mw about some bleeding and cramping and she sent us immediately to another mw with an u/s machine. The mw we interviewed suspected ectopic pg and wanted to rule this out. She had drawn blood at our apt, and said that my progesterone levels were low and that is why she suspected ectopic. The low-level ultrasound found a heartbeat and we thought everything was fine...

So, I had just cancelled our mw appt. on Mon., thinking we would wait to find one when we moved in Sept. since I still had some weird feelings about this new mw. I even went so far as to think that the u/s was unnessecary, given what I was reading at UC threads. Well... on Wed. morning I woke at 8 am to use the bathroom and there was a light pink stain on the tissue. I thought, "oh, don't panic, this is probably totally normal... even healthy." Then back in bed, I felt some menstrual-like cramps. I then had some tissue like stuff on my next trip to the bathroom. Kinda stringy stuff... so I called the mw we had cancelled with and let her know what was happening b/c partner was clueless and we had nobody else to call. So dp leaves for work and I tell him I have bad cramps. About 9:30 am, I feel a little gush as I am sitting with my almost one yr old dd at the computer, looking up second trimester bleeding or mc signs. I pray that it is pee! I feel with my finger and it is bright red blood. I call dp and tell him I am bleeding bright red and it is right there on the computer screen that that means get care right away!

By the time he gets back to the apt, I have had my first gush of amniotic fluid and blood and it is all over the floor. My dd is running her hands around in the watery blood. I am thinking I need to go to the ER, I never even considered staying home. I thought I was doing the right thing, the I care about the health of my baby thing. Maybe, they can do something, but I also think the baby is gone and my heart is sinking hard!

I had to gather things for my dd to take in the car. I grab a new pair of dark pants and a towel to keep from bleeding all over the car seat. I am having regular gushes the entire way to the ER, but I keep thinking this is the right thing to do... When we arrive, I get up and I feel like something pass through the birth canal. But, I don't stop to look as I am bleeding with gushes and dp is ignoring me and people coming out of the ER are staring at me. I wish now I had.

When I got into the ER, I got hooked up to a bunch of machines and fed saline for all the blood I was losing. I just kept gushing and bleeding. I had one ultrasound and got wheeled around for another. No baby. No explanation no nothing. I was handelled pretty cooly by the ER staff. They didn't like that dp and I weren't married. They refused to let him back in to the ER at one point because he wasn't my husband. They also assumed we were both Hispanic although were not, and I was on pregnancy related Medical. Anyway, the "DR" and his wicked assistant pulled what they said was "a clot" caught in the blood around my pubic hairs. I couldn't see this, but though that this must be the fetus or baby. So I say, "I definitely want to see that I get to take the baby home with us." Oh, totally ignored. I was left to bleed. My baby gone. My dp had to leave the hospital b/c there was nobody to watch dd. He finally returned and had talked to our belated mw, who said that there was nothing she could do but that I might be more comfortable if I was in Labor and Delivery instead of the ER.

So, I felt pretty stupid for not knowing that. When the "DR" returned I told him what the mw said. His demeanor changed completely, he said, "Labor and Delivery are for women who are having babies!" After that, nobody saw me or checked my blood pressure every 15 min or anything. Nobody changed a chux pad or anything. My butt was soaking wet with blood and I didn't even have a way to call for assistance. Well, dp returned, ... finally. He told me how he went to get dd fed and fresh clothes for me at the apt, and now the hospital didn't want to let him back to see me. About that time, i told him I was going to faint and to get some help. My blood pressure dropped really low, I puked and I was so thirsty. The staff didn't get along, and dp told me later that they kept arguing and one would plug something in and the other would take it out! arghh!! ...

So, I have left some stuff out here, I just need to get this out so I can get a little sleep tonight. They had an attending OB, who would perform a d&c if the bleeding didn't stop. I again told her that if there was anything of the baby, I wanted it to take home so we could have a ceremony. She seemed nice, but busy complaining that it must be a full moon or something. Once my bp dropped, I was taken for an emergency d&c, but I explained that I was nursing, so I wasn't completely sedated. All through, this I was cold, shaking furiously, alone, scared. It was like going through an abortion. It was very scary!

Next, I was wheeled into recovery, and again alone. The anasthesiologist was worried that I was anemic, and ordered a blood transfusion for me. It turns out that, I had gotten so much saline fluid it had thrown off my true blood levels. At the last minute, the blood was cancelled. I was laying there looking right at someone else's blood about to go into my body to replace where hours ago a normal pregnancy was growing so I thought. Anyway about 4:30 pm I was finally brought downstairs and given my scripts. We spoke with our family physician. He told me not to take the Mythergin or the Motrin. I filled the script for the Augmentin to last about 3 days. He gave me some Chinese Post Partum herbs in his office the next day and iron. My blood hemocrit was 9.2 that next morning.

Help! I am so alone in all this. I haven't had anyone but my dp to talk to through all of this happening. He doesn't really understand. I have read some posts where women had there m/c at home and had the baby in their hands to hold and love. I haven't been able to see or feel any of the baby I was carrying. What would have happened to make the baby just disappear or are the hospital staff just hiding this from me. I have contacted pathology who said there were "no identifiable fetal parts" and that I needed to spead with the OB who performed the d&c. I have, but she was just like, "How are you feeling? (like crap). "You know, I performed a VERY major surgery on you. Whoop tee doo..."Where is my baby and When can we bring he/she home?" Please help, I just want to feel more normal again. I want my baby back with me, not in some awful pathology lab.

What can I do?


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

oh mama ... I'm so sorry you and your family had to go through this

No time to post now, just sending you healing physicial and spiritual energy and









Barbara


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish that you did not have to go through that. I know how frustrating it is when you feel unprepared for something to go so wrong, and don't know your options. Unfortunately we have to learn so much from experience. Emergency rooms are unpleasant places and Labor & Delivery can be quite dismissive to mamas who are less than 24 weeks along. Just know that your baby felt your love the whole time you had him and is watching over you now. I am so sorry mama. Take care.


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## rosemorningstar (Dec 20, 2004)

Nydia and Barbara,

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I feel like my brain has been put in a blender... It is just too much to process right now. We are going to try very hard to bring any remains home from pathology tomorrow. This aspect of the m/c really bothers me and I find it very difficult to accept. We are also getting ready to celebrate my dd's first birthday.

As partners we have both been through so much grief and pain in our lives, we each hold each other because we must. We know in our hearts it is too difficult for either one of us to bear this alone. We want to find a peaceful resting place. We want to bury our dd placenta we saved from her lotus birth at home, there together with her spirit brother or sister. I think a spot overlooking the Pacific will be nice. I could see myself choosing such a place to rest, find solice and peace.

Lisa


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## Satori (Jan 30, 2003)

Depending on how long your baby has been gone there could be no reconizable tissue left as it breaks down pretty fast. I'm sorry to say but the hospital will not release any remains to you due to health codes and such







I understand how your feeling, I went though a horrid m/c thats been dragging on for weeks and finally had a D&C 2 weeks ago but I was fully awake and alert. I dont know why so many hospitals are knocking women out. Anyway, my OB did the D&C in the office and I was able to see what they cleaned out and while you could tell what was fetal tissue, you could not identify any parts. Perhaps they were worried about tramatizing you further? Had I not been so relieved to just get it over with finally (and was still in a bit of shock/shutdown to get though it) I think I would have been seriously distressed to see it.


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## Tomoe (Sep 16, 2003)

Hi dear mama, I completely understand your feelings. I had a missed miscarriage, my baby was dead inside me and I had to have a D&C. I asked everyone at the hospital, how I could take my baby remains at the cemetery, but all the people there included the doctor that performed the surgery were telling me that the procedure is the incineration in the hospital as a "special hospital waste". You can understand how I was feeling when at home, my baby was tiny, only 3 millimetres, and with the d&c very few of his tissues are left. I knew that, but I didn't want to see him/her, just I wanted the baby to have a place in the cemetery, maybe in his great granparents grave. I felt that this was unfair, and once at home I started a search on the internet. Then I found a law that backed what I was asking in the hospital. Here in Italy there is a law of mortuary police that states that if the parents make a formal request to the health authorities, the remains of the fetus even under the 20 weeks must be received in the cemetery. But the request must be made whitin 24 hours, after the D&C or the natural miscarriage. Those people at the hospital didn't inform me of my rights, and when I complained at the hospital direction, they said that 24 were gone and nothing could be done! But this was their mistake, not mine! I knew that was a natural right have my baby buried in a cemetery!
I did ask for a test on the remains (to find if there were pathologies like down syndrome) so my baby remains were not incinered yet. So I thought, fine, give me them back. But they said I couldn't take them, because once in pathology, the remains are, according to the law, to be kept for 10 years. They said that even if I was correctly informed, I should have chosen between bury my son in a cemetery and the pathology test. I felt like I was mocked, what the hell were saying?
So, I kept with my search, found a police doctor Medico legale, maybe coroner in English?) that would help me, she gave me the telephone number of an university professor of bioethics, member of the national commitee of bioethics, who spoke with the hospital's bioethic service head of department, to solve my problem. Now, I have time. I'm going to see if it's possible have my baby remains back soon, but if not, I expect them back at end of the 10 years. They never will go in the incinerator, I swear it.
I hope that my story could help you a bit, find a doctor who knows about laws, and have him/her to speak to the hospital.
Also search internet about the US laws, you may find what you need as I did.
Hughs


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## Rmeg (Jul 8, 2005)

... ....


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## hankiesmama (Jan 20, 2005)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I was lucky enough to have my baby at home. There was no way he could be mistaken for a clot. He was whole and just beautiful. If I hadn't had him at home, there was no way I would have gone to the hospital. I had a D&C for retained placenta.

I hope you can resolve this all within your family and can heal more quickly than I have so far.

Take care of yourself and if you need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to private message me.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

mama

I was lucky to have my first loss at home with my midwife. the last one i went in for a d&c and the difference was amazing. the hospital seems to have no idea how to deal with these losses. In Canada they do have to return the remains (even the little bit there is) but you have to fill out a whole whack of paperwork first (this doesn't make sense to me??) and they will release the baby to a funeral home that you then have to deal with. before that you also have to talk to social workers who pretty much try to talk you out of it.

I do hope you get the awnsers you need and are able to have some closure. be gentle with yourself during this very hard time









tara


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## rosemorningstar (Dec 20, 2004)

Teresa, Mindy and taradt... and anyone who is grieving a loss,
Rmeg thanks for sharing your experience. I have replayed many times what I might have said and done differently. I plan to have dp and I write a letter to the hospital. He was treated badly, too. They told him at one pont, after I was wheeled into surgery, that I "wasn't even a patient there!" Poor guy, can you imagine?

Thank you all you mommas for your help and support! I am relieved and happy to tell you that we brought home our baby's remains from the Pathology Lab at the hospital.







We are so happy to have the baby home, our creation of love surrounded with the joy of our hearts and the hope of our world. I persisted in speaking with the lab on Friday, Saturday and Monday. I called the OB who performed my d&c after trying to allow me to try to clamp down my uterus tostop the bleeding. When my bp dropped suddenly, she knew I was losing too much blood. I bled for like 6 hrs or something. I asked as soon as I walked into the ER, that this might be the baby coming and I wanted to take the remains home, any remains. I also told this to the OB just before she began the surgery. I told her when I met her that I wanted to m/c natural, that we tried to call a mw we know (who was ill), that I had homebirthed my children and I was nursing my baby now. She, divorced from that ER pack, understood. She gave the surgery staff specific instruction to prepare two containers and one goes home with me.

I am going to follow up with her office on Mon. They won't take my Medical, but she was the OB in the ER rotation, so she has to follow up with me! I just never let this go. I had to bring the remains home. I think I made the mistake of saying "pathology" and "take home" in the same sentence, but I was stunned and not understanding everything that was happening to me at the time. Dp says it probably wouldn't have made any difference with pathology. We both agree that we weren't prepared with a hospital "run" this early in the pregnancy. Next time we will prepare for the possibility earlier.

I am doing better, though still regaining my strength and prone to panic attacks from the trauma of the events that have happened. Insecurity really seems to plague my thinking! I am taking iron and flax in cherry juice to help alkalize and pull out toxins. I drink miso soup and acidophilus. We just went to my dd first year checkup. Her ped. is super cool and also a family physician, so he gave me some acupuncture to relieve a horrendous headache I have had since surgery.

We plan to bury the baby with our dd's placenta overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Dd celebrates her first birthday this Friday. It will be a special, holy time. My mother just passed away last July 9 and we attended her funeral after driving from California to Iowa in July heat! I was eight months pregnant. I lost my mucus plug the day we returned. Just in time to get the waterbirth tub set up! So many pleasant memories to reflect on now, to feed our growth as a family anf lift us in our grief.

I was overjoyed to hold an nurse my daughter after I came down from recovery! We had never been apart that long! Dp did SO WELL under the harsh circumstances! Love builds growth and funnels the healing energies. I am feeling so much better to have the remains back home. It is that "eating of the placenta" effect for those who have had miscarriage of a child, I think.

I am humbled by the waves of comforting spiritual energy I feel,

Lisa


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

I am so happy for you! I am sure that it is still hard, but now you feel more at peace. Many hugs to you and your family.


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## 1Plus2 (Mar 13, 2003)

Lisa - I had read your original post a couple of days ago and did not have time to respond then. I came back today to post to you and I am so happy to read your update! I m/c at 12w5d weeks although the baby had died at 8w4d. I let it happen naturally at home and did see and hold my baby...even though he/she was only about 3/4 an inch long. While that was a very hard thing to go through I was still so happy to have my little one's body to bury at my brother's grave. We also plan on planting a tree or rose bush in the baby's honor as soon as our new house is built.

I pray that healing and peace finds you quickly. Big hugs to you while you heal!


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## Tomoe (Sep 16, 2003)

I'm so relieved! And I'm happy for you, and also thinking that the same soon will happen to me.
Lots of hugs


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