# I don't enjoy being a mom anymore...



## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

To preface, I'm sick. Very sick. I've been sick for months, and everytime I start to feel better, I come down with something else, and end up getting even sicker, for even longer. I'm so tired, and weak, and I'm working so much. Add to it that I'm an introvert, and my job entails working with so many different people, and being so sociable all the time, I just feel so drained.









My kids are just beyond driving me crazy. I'm sure me being sick is having a lot to do with it... but it's not everything. They just don't listen anymore. I've been imagining what it would be like to send one or 2 to the grandparents for a few months. I've been wondering if DH and I should seperate because then I would only have the kids a few days a week. I'm just so tired.

They won't do anything without goofing off and making things worse. Everything. Everything ends in either fighting or wrestling. Non stop activity. Screaming. Yelling. Giggling. Laughing. It all sounds the same, and it all grates on my nerves. I just want quiet.

It's so cold here now. They can't go out and play for very long. They have to be in the house. I do so much to entertain them. Playdoh gets smashed into the carpet. Paper gets torn into teeny pieces and left everywhere. Watching a movie ends in me getting so upset because they won't just sit down... they have to wrestle, egg each other on. Giving them a bowl of popcorn as a treats ends in them throwing it at each other. Messes everywhere. Too much for me to clean up. And they wont clean it up... because they start to play. Even seperating them doesnt work, because they find their way back to each other, and start goofing off, throwing toys, and makes an even bigger mess.

Taking away their toys doesnt work. They simply forget they even have them. Grounding them doesnt work. They get all the entertainment they need from playing with each other. That Chore Wars worked for about 3 days.

We have tried everything we can think of. We have sat them down and told them how we feel. What they need to do for this household to work. How we want to do so many fun things with them, but we can't. It doesnt work. They dont seem to care. Off they go, goofing off with each other and driving us crazy.

I am just so tired, I am contemplating spanking, because nothing else works. A woman I work for spanks, she has several kids, one special needs, homeschools, and her kids are so well behaved, so in tune with each other. They enjoy being around each other. I am starting to feel like it can't be that bad. It's gotta be better than what I am doing.

My DH and I are both so sick right now, we tried to sleep in a little bit today. We put the gate up and turned cartoons on and had the boys sit on the foot of our bed and watch tv... but they wouldnt stop wrestling and egging each other on, no matter how much we begged, pleaded, bribed, and threatened. I ended up getting up, when I shouldnt have had to. They are old enough to know better. They are old enough to behave, to understand others feelings, and want to be helpful. They are 4. 6, and 8.

I'm off until Tuesday, and I really should be resting, but in this house I just can't rest. I'm just getting sicker and sicker. Of my health and the kids.









I just dont know where to go from here.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

I don't have any advice, as I only have a 13 month old, but I wanted to say I'm sorry for your difficult situation.







I hope things get better soon.


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## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

I can relate to the sick thing. I had EBV in Feb, then again in July and August with fevers and dizzy spells. NOw I have my second cold in a row, so I've been sick for the past 4-5 weeks straight. Coughed so hard I threw up.

Being sick and trying to entertain a child is really hard - that I understand.

Trying to verbally convince a child to behave differently is pretty impossible too. I have one 16mo - a very intelligent 16mo.

I have a few suggestions... the next time you have the urge to give up, smack or keel over and die, grab your shoes and purse - put them in the car and go do something very different.

...go to the local watering hole, lakeside, river side and throw stones together... don't talk much
... go to the zoo - start walking fast... think about something else - analyze the monkey poo

I've been in a similar boat with my ds and the only thing that cut off the dispare was to through out my expectations, worries... and just get the f out of the house...

take them with you... get their brains going somewhere else - use movement... skating rink.... you move too ok.

also consider that you might be fighting depression or exhaustion and see a physician, get some support that way....

Take care


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## of2mindsmama (Nov 18, 2007)

SO sorry things are so hard right now.
i don't know if it helps, but i wanted to say that i think we all have moments and days when we don't like being mamas. it is REALLY hard work and we get so little appreciation for all that we do. so i hope you don't feel like it's just you, or that you're a failure because it's not working. because we all feel that way. i think it just comes with the job.
here are a few things i thought of:
can you hire a teenager from down the street to play with the kids while you nap or go out of the house alone, to have some down time?
can you clean out one room in the house so that they have nothing to mess up, and you can put them in there with the TV, shut the door, and not hear them?
hope there's something in here that helps even a tiny bit.
hang in there, we're all rooting for you!


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I think it's a whole different ballgame to parent when you are very sick and tired. Parenting is so hard, and to do it when you are running on empty is a recipe for hard, hard times.

I think #1, you need to look at your whole life, not GD. It sounds like there are many pieces of the puzzle that aren't working. What options are open to you for help? Physician, counselor, job change, babysitter, family?

This is the time to ask for help, mama, IRL.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
I think it's a whole different ballgame to parent when you are very sick and tired. Parenting is so hard, and to do it when you are running on empty is a recipe for hard, hard times.

I think #1, you need to look at your whole life, not GD. It sounds like there are many pieces of the puzzle that aren't working. What options are open to you for help? Physician, counselor, job change, babysitter, family?

This is the time to ask for help, mama, IRL.






























I completely agree with this.

A thousand







s


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

It sounds so rough for you right now. And boys have that non-stop energy that they need to get out. I notice my 4 and 6 year olds are at each other non-stop now that they can't burn off that energy outside.

There are lots of ideas you can try, but none of them will work until you can take care of YOU! You need a few days just to rest your body, and you need to make a definite plan for how to keep your needs met on an ongoing basis. No kind of parenting can be successful unless the parents are coping well.

So, lets start there









You are tired and you have been sick. Is there any way your parents could take them for even a weekend so that you can just rest? Or maybe you and your dh can switch off, like you get to sleep, rest, and relax all day one day and he can the next? Just anything so that you can have a little time for your body to recover.

Next:

You work a job that doesn't meet your need for being introverted. Is that something that you can (or want to) change? If yes, then get a resume made as well as a plan to start putting them out. If no then you need to make some time (easier said than done I know) for you just to unwind and destress immediately after work (even if it means getting home 30 min. later and enjoying a quiet cup of coffee or tea somewhere on your way home). That way when you leave work and enter family time you are in a good place for it. Less stress will help your health too.

One more thing, can you enroll the boys in a sport or activity to help them direct their energy? I don't know if that will really help, but I am hoping it will make a difference for my boys!

I hope some of this is helpful! Being tired and sick makes parenting so hard! Take care of yourself first and the rest will seem so much better!








s


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

Thanks for all the advice... I don't want to change my job, because I love what I do. I really do. It's just so hard to be so "on the go" all the time, with so many different people, when I'm under the weather. I'm being exposed to so many new germs, and I don't think my body can quite keep up. But when I'm feeling well, my job leaves me feeling very appreciated and refreshed.

As far as a zoo, there isn't one. The parks are closed, the lakes are frozen. We normally go to the indoor pool on Sundays, but my DH and I have been too sick the last few weeks to go. That's about it for the winter. Play outside when the weather cooperates, and go to the pool for a few hours. Right now it's a frozen wasteland.

My DH has been so nice to me today, he usually is so good about letting me nap when I need it. Problem is that he is sick now too. So its just rough when both parents are sick but the kids are active and well.

I know we will feel better again soon. But the behaviors are still going to continue. How do we get 3 very rambunctious boys to slow down and clean up after themselves? That's something that we really want to work on, but we don't have any ideas left to try.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Do you have any close family members that can come help take care of the boys while you and your husband are sick?


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MPJJJ* 
I know we will feel better again soon. But the behaviors are still going to continue. How do we get 3 very rambunctious boys to slow down and clean up after themselves? That's something that we really want to work on, but we don't have any ideas left to try.

I would just change your expectations. I wouldn't expect the three boys to slow down, or clean up after themselves. I would keep reminding them to, and asking them to, and trying to model what I wanted them to do, (be quieter, be more thoughtful, clean up after yourself,) and try to trust that eventually it will sink in. Because it will. But if quiet, well-behaved, clean children is what you want, then gentle discipline probably won't work for you. But if respectful, confident, bonded children is what you want, then GD is the way to go.

I totally get you on the being sick and tired thing. It's SO HARD. I won't get into it but I know.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

My kids are 4, 6 and 8 also. They are two girls and one boy, and they are very rambunctious and loud a lot of the time.

Quote:

I would just change your expectations. I wouldn't expect the three boys to slow down, or clean up after themselves. I would keep reminding them to, and asking them to, and trying to model what I wanted them to do, (be quieter, be more thoughtful, clean up after yourself,) and try to trust that eventually it will sink in.
I agree that it's helpful to make sure our expectations as parents are realistic. My kids are, I think, pretty good at chores/cleaning up for their ages, but they still need a lot of help and guidance in that area. There's a lot we can do to help them learn, and there's a lot we can do to make sure our home stays reasonably clean, but we don't expect them to pick up after themselves without significant supervision, assistance, guidance. Learning to do this is a process for them. It takes time. Asking my kids to slow down or be quiet--that's just not a realistic or fair expectation for them. They have a lot of energy, they're loud because they haven't mastered volume control and they're having fun, they're young. I have certainly reduced a lot of my own stress by adjusting my expectations of my kids.

That said, here are some things that helps us:

I find that with regard to cleaning up, it really helps to make a solid routine of some things. Our kids empty the dishwasher every morning (okay, most mornings) while breakfast cooks-it's predictable, it's part of life, and because of that they rarely refuse. When we have a regular clean-up time in the evening, one that happens daily so it's predictable, they do better.

It is also necessary to be _right there supervising_ when they're cleaning up stuff. Picking stuff up is just one of those activities where they need a lot of direction-just telling them to pick up isn't going to work. Also, my son who is 6 is really distractable. He's always in his imagination, everything can be turned into play, and as a result he's just never serious about chores and is frequently distracted from doing what we've asked him to do. One way to deal with this is to make cleaning up into a game/incorporate it into his imaginary play. The more physical we make it, the better. It can be a race against each other, a race against the clock, let's see how fast you can do it, can you pick up just the blue ones, you'd better get it picked up before you have to go to divination class (he's always playing Harry Potter), it's a secret spy mission, or it's a surprise for daddy/mommy, etc. Also, it helps to keep it short. We have better luck with many short sessions of picking up in a day than a few larger ones. It helps to just have a big bin to throw stuff in, b/c that works better than trying to get them to put each thing in it's own particular place.

It helps to be really positive, to make extra effort to notice when they're helpful and express genuine appreciation. At the same time, it helps to cut back on nagging and talk about what's happening that we don't like.

It helps to view chores positively ourselves. It helps to do something fun where we can connect, or to have the kids engage in some physical activity, before starting any chore.

It helps to think outside the box a little and be flexible, sometimes. If they're really resisting cleaning up the toys they took out and it's becoming frustrating for me, maybe what we can do instead is ask if they'd rather do this other chore that they do like (my kids, for instance, like to mop the floor by skating around on wet towels-and will even sweep before doing it). If they want to do that, we'll "trade chores" and I can pick up the toys while they mop. That may not be practical every day, but the more often we can do things like this the more cooperative they are with chores overall.

As for the wrestling, boredom, and generally wild, winter-induced behavior, we find it helps to create the opportunity for indoor physical activity. We have an unfinished basement, so it's chilly in the winter, but down there we have a heavy bag for kicking/crashing/punching. We have mats for rolling. We have a mini-trampoling. We use all these things plus a lot of other stuff to make indoor obstacle courses. When we can't go out, it helps to set up ways for them to get physical indoors so they can burn that energy. Loud music for dancing/jumping/running. Couch cushions on the floor for bouncing.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I am sorry you are so sick. It's very easy when you feel sick, to look at the people around you and blame them for the ways in which you find them frustrating/exhausted. But I cannot over-emphasize that the glaring crisis here is *your health*, not the kid's behavior. Your illness is not caused by your children wrestling or not cleaning up. Nor would you be healed from your health crisis if they did settle down. You are sick because...why? It sounds like your immune system is shot. You said you get sick over, and over, and over again. That is very telling. You shouldn't be getting sick this much--and it's not because of the kids, right? You know that. But you need to let go of that notion totally, so you can really focus on finding out what is behind your health problems.

What supplements do you take? What immune builders are part of your daily routine? What about sodium ascorbate, acidopholus, and omega oils to start? Colon care capsules, goldenseal capsules...there is so much. Only you know what works for your body though.

I would buy one of those 4 a day, 7 day pill dosage containers, work out a supplement program you feel is right, and stick to it like glue.

Quote:

A woman I work for spanks, she has several kids, one special needs, homeschools, and her kids are so well behaved, so in tune with each other. They enjoy being around each other. I am starting to feel like it can't be that bad. It's gotta be better than what I am doing.
It's no more logical to attribute the kids behavior to spanking than to say it's because she homeschools, or is a sahm, etc.

Listen, your kids know you are sick. They can't be getting the kind of nurturing and good vibes they need from their parents because you are both *so ill*. Your kids are very young. They can't be expected to somehow turn around your lives and make things "right" for you. That is not realistic, or helpful. They need you to make it right for them--and I know that is an overwhelming thought right now because of how you feel. But it's also the truth. Little kids can make brief connections of what *to do* for a sick mommy--bring her flowers, make a card, fix her some tea--but they can't just go around for days and weeks acting "good for mommy who is sick". That isn't realistic at all.

Bring in the troops here-can you hire anyone to help entertain them? Can you get any extra help? That is the best course until you are better. Get more help in the house if at all possible.

I think a visit to Grandma sounds great for a weekend--is that possible?

I hope this doesn't sound critical because I have complete empathy for you, mama! I just don't want to see you putting this pressure on yourself--setting it up that your parenting or the kids are the problem. That is just going to make you feel worse. You are sick and you need to love yourself and nurture your body and soul. Good thoughts, mama. Good thoughts.


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## um_hanna (Nov 3, 2004)

first hugs







have you tried visualizing them being peaceful, listening and all of you getting along. when we react to bad behavior we feed it , also whenever we give attention to anything it will grow, be it good or bad, positive or negative. good luck with whatever you find
 







light and love
Heather


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## um_hanna (Nov 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *um_hanna* 
first hugs







have you tried visualizing them being peaceful, listening and all of you getting along. when we react to bad behavior we feed it , also whenever we give attention to anything it will grow, be it good or bad, positive or negative. good luck with whatever you find








light and love
Heather

also this just came to my mind
have you read 'raising your spirited child'
great book awesome insights


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## slsurface (May 8, 2007)

I really feel for you and your situation. I have also been very sick this year. My ds and I seem to keep passing ear infections back and forth between us. Add to that the sudden death of my father, the news that my mother and uncle have cancer, and working two part time jobs and I am just beyond exhausted.

That said, I don't have a lot of advice for you. I only have one kiddo and he is only 16mo. He is very high needs and hands-on though, so I get no respite, especially now that he is refusing to nap.

You may want to think about what is causing the illness. Is it environmental (mold or something else in your house)? We had a mold problem at our apartment, but I am doing much better now that we have our own house. Or is it the lack of sleep and overwork? Be sure to eat right, take vitamins, and use probiotics...that may help. Hang in there and I hope that you feel better.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I don't think I can add anything hasn't already been said, but I couldn't read and not post. I can feel your exhaustion in your post, and I'm sorry for the situation you're in. I really, truly hope things get better for you, mama.


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

I would definitely send them away to the grandparents for a weekend if that's an option. You are useless to everyone unless you make yourself and your health a priority. Seriously mama, get some rest sans kiddos.


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## 93085 (Oct 11, 2007)

Children's museum family membership. Or MyGym (or something like it). Or Karate lessons. Something. If one of you can get them out of the house and burning off energy for a half day each weekend, the other one can get a little rest and get a little done around the house.

As for your health, one Airborne (or generic) every day, plus a good probiotic and a DanActive drink. And eat your fruits and veggies.

I really hope things are looking up for you soon!


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
I am sorry you are so sick. It's very easy when you feel sick, to look at the people around you and blame them for the ways in which you find them frustrating/exhausted. But I cannot over-emphasize that the glaring crisis here is *your health*, not the kid's behavior. Your illness is not caused by your children wrestling or not cleaning up. Nor would you be healed from your health crisis if they did settle down. You are sick because...why? It sounds like your immune system is shot. You said you get sick over, and over, and over again. That is very telling. You shouldn't be getting sick this much--and it's not because of the kids, right? You know that. But you need to let go of that notion totally, so you can really focus on finding out what is behind your health problems.

What supplements do you take? What immune builders are part of your daily routine? What about sodium ascorbate, acidopholus, and omega oils to start? Colon care capsules, goldenseal capsules...there is so much. Only you know what works for your body though.

I would buy one of those 4 a day, 7 day pill dosage containers, work out a supplement program you feel is right, and stick to it like glue.

It's no more logical to attribute the kids behavior to spanking than to say it's because she homeschools, or is a sahm, etc.

Listen, your kids know you are sick. They can't be getting the kind of nurturing and good vibes they need from their parents because you are both *so ill*. Your kids are very young. They can't be expected to somehow turn around your lives and make things "right" for you. That is not realistic, or helpful. They need you to make it right for them--and I know that is an overwhelming thought right now because of how you feel. But it's also the truth. Little kids can make brief connections of what *to do* for a sick mommy--bring her flowers, make a card, fix her some tea--but they can't just go around for days and weeks acting "good for mommy who is sick". That isn't realistic at all.

Bring in the troops here-can you hire anyone to help entertain them? Can you get any extra help? That is the best course until you are better. Get more help in the house if at all possible.

I think a visit to Grandma sounds great for a weekend--is that possible?

I hope this doesn't sound critical because I have complete empathy for you, mama! I just don't want to see you putting this pressure on yourself--setting it up that your parenting or the kids are the problem. That is just going to make you feel worse. You are sick and you need to love yourself and nurture your body and soul. Good thoughts, mama. Good thoughts.

I really needed to hear this. Thank you. You are right. When we are feeling well, we generally shrug off the kid's hyperactivity and are grateful that they are so happy and playful. But when we're sick, it's hell.

I guess I have been neglecting my health a bit since I started working so much. I usually stop by McDonalds for a coffee in the morning, then go back and get a coffee and a snap wrap or a cup of soup in the afternoon (if I eat lunch at all) and then we have a quick dinner in the evening. I don't take any supplements, just because I am not sure what I should be taking. I'm getting really run down.

My DH ordered me off to bed after I started saying we should give the kids up for adoption, and I ended up sleeping all day. I never sleep so long during the day unless I am really sick. I feel a bit better now, and am just shaking my head in amazement that I even thought about giving my kids away. I am just soooo tired. We ended up all cuddling and watching a movie tonight, so things are a bit better. Tomorrow is gonna be an all out non-NFL day, complete with all day cartoons and computer games, LOL. I'm willing to turn in my AP badge now.







:


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

I work with a woman with a 4yo and 8 yo boys. She was having a rough time with them when her DH took a job that had him travel alot.

She eventually settled on martial arts. She looked around for a while and tried 3 different studios before she found one which seemed to meet their needs. It really focuses on respect - for yourself and others. She was really reluctant to go that route (she has a past history with family violance) but she says it's one of the best things she did. Her boys have changed a bit (not completely - but enough) and it's made her life alot easier.

They go twice a week for an hour. But they have so much that they can (and are expected to) practice at home. So instead of the boys fighting and hurting each other - they take the same energy to pratice the moves needed to pass their belts.

Anyway - big hugs. It sounds like you are haveing a really rought time. I hope you get something figured out.


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

Hugs and healing vibes to you, mama!!
I can relate to the crazy children noises. My days tend to feel that way, too. It helps me to go behind a closed door and find a way to make it as quiet as possible (pillows to my ears helps!). Then, I imagine my kiddo's little faces smiling at me...Eventually (within a minute) I am ready to go out and scoop them up in a hug.
Not sure if that helps at all...I just hope you get some time to have quiet and get some rest.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Oh yeah. Yeah, I know from *experience* that eating fast food and drinking lots of coffee and taking no supplements is like turning my body into a petri dish for every bug around.

Okay simple changes I would recommend:

Only one cup of coffee. Find a nutritious breakfast you can fix easily and enjoy. For awhile I did smoothies--very fast and can go in the car in a travel mug. Or a really high protein/high fiber cold cereal with fruit and yogurt.

Then, some sodium ascorbate (a form of Vitamin C), and a multi vitamin. I like the brand Alive! for a multi because it doesn't hurt my stomach and isn't TOO expensive. I'd toss in some Omega oils as well. Mainly, I like a multi vitamin that is not just chemically processed vitamins, but vitamins derived from whole foods and plants etc. I like Flax as well as fish oils. Any vitamin C is better than none, and sodium ascorbate can be hard to find. But look around.

You can get all of them at a health food store. If you have any concerns talk to your doctor or another professional to decide what is best for you.

But do something, because your immune system sounds really depleted mama!


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

I didn't really read the thread very well but even in Michigan winter I would have no qualms about bundling a 4,6&8yo up and sending them outside to play for a couple of hours..... maybe instead of having them stay in your room while you rest you could get some gym mats and make their room a place you could feel comfortable leaving them for an hour....


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## naupakamama (Mar 26, 2005)

I second taking sodium ascorbate (SA). And in HIGH doses, 10-20 grams a day or more. I have had recurring bouts of mono and sodium ascorbate is the only thing that makes me feel human. I know first hand how hard it is to parent when you are sick all the time. SA clears my head, makes me less stressed, and gives me energy.


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

Started feeling a bit better last night... actually had energy to clean the house some. Then woke up to agonizing pain in my cheek this morning... I have a sinus infection!!!







Life is seriously giving me the finger right now. Went to the pharmacy to get some Airborne and vitamins, asked the pharmacist if I should take the 500mg or 1000mg, he told me that vitamins and herbs do not build the immune system... I can only build it by first getting sick from everything out there, and then building resistance to it... Gee, now THATS just what I wanna do! There are some billion germs out there for crying out loud!!! Oh well. I bought the airborne and vit c anyways.


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## Lashlock (Oct 22, 2006)

I often have to repeat to myself in situations like this that these times dont last forever, and this too shall pass. Every time i rant to my mom about situational difficulties, she constantly reminds me that it changes and does get better


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