# Moms of only children (or with large spacing between), why...



## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

...did you choose that? Was there a single moment that made you realize that you only wanted one kid/two kids with a large spacing between them?

I always assumed I would have 3-5 kids, because I love babies and wished I had a larger family growing up (FTR, sister is 4.5 years younger and brother is 9.5 years older). As I get older though, I love my small family, I love that our house is quiet, I love that money isn't an issue and I love that I have always been able to take some private alone time to decompress. I'm naturally more introverted, and I have issues with having to be going-going-going 24/7 with no break.

All of this was solidified for me when I started nannying last week. The boy I take care of is an absolutely fantastic 6 year old. He wears me out, and I absolutely cannot imagine what I would do if I was trying to juggle a toddler or two along with him.

I feel like I'm being a little premature with this, but I also hate when people tsk tsk at women about their feelings regarding children and say they will change their minds. Is it possible to know in advance that certain personality types just can't handle large families? Did YOU know? I've never had a feeling so strong in my life, it was like finding God except it was me realizing my limits. I think having an only sounds like the best thing ever, and if I do ever want a second, I would make sure they were 8+ years apart.

Experiences to share? I'm such a go-with-the-flow person that this newfound conviction shocks me. Please tell me I'm not alone in my craziness


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

I suppose we haven't made a definitive decision, but I'm 39, DS is 7, and I'm still not feeling a great urge for another baby . .. .

I'm not a baby person. I'm not even a toddler person, and DS was a remarkably easy toddler! I'm introverted. I need a lot of down time. The demands of a young child wore me out. Also, I was working on my dissertation and the thought of falling even further behind for another child seemed too stressful to me. I've been finished for well over a year with my dissertation, and I still just don't feel like I want to start over again.

Our house is quiet and peaceful. We have ample financial resources. I don't have to pack diapers, snacks, juice for every outing. I sleep through the night. I'm no longer puked on regularly. We talk and have lots of fun together. DH and I go out alone together regularly and getting a babysitter for an older self-sufficient kid is pretty easy. DS has absolutely no interest in a little brother or sister and is never lonely. We can travel easily. We're happy with the status quo.

Every once in a while I get nostalgic now that that DS is such a "big" boy, but then I see parents of babies and toddlers, no matter how cute, and think, "better them than me!"


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## marimara (Jan 31, 2008)

I didn't want any children for a long time. I resented the fact that society expects women to want to be all motherly and loving and to want large numbers of kids. I wanted a career, I wanted to be a brilliant scientist. I thought I could offer the world my brain instead of my womb. Then at 29 I found myself married to a military guy, where my career had to come second to his. My idealism faltered. I realized that my wanting a career was a backlash to society's strong message and that being a mother didn't have to mean I had to give up being a feminist or a thinking woman or a person with an opinion. I felt that deep down I wanted to be a mother, but only to one child.

I knew from the moment I even thought about having kids, I was only going to have one (barring multiples of course). I thought about overpopulation and all the suffering humans worldwide and what it means to bring yet another human onto the planet. I thought about what I could handle, given my introvertedness, need for space, time to think and read, and how having children would impact that. I thought about our future plans for retirement after the military and how many children we could financially and realistically take on a sailboat for many years on a limited income. I thought about my own childhood, about how my mother was spread far too wide and thin between us all and how I could make it better for my own child. I thought about what kind of parent I could be given my own upbringing. I thought about my health problems and how that would impact parenting multiple children.

Dh had a vasectomy when dd was 1 yo. We did not take this decision lightly, we are both in our early thirties. We are happy with our decision and our lives. We did the right thing.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

I never wanted kids at all (I tried to get my tubes tied in my single late 20's and couldn't find a doc to do it). I had a great career and really enjoyed my lifestyle. Then I married late (me 30's, dh 40's). Dh wanted 1 child, but it wasn't a deal-breaker for him. I love him so much that I wanted to have a child with him because it was something he wanted. He wanted only 1 child and absolutely no more. I was more than fine with that.

It took us a while to get pregnant (age?), dd was perfect, healthy, smart, has been an absolute JOY for the past 8 years and we feel our little family is just right. I am eternally grateful to dh convincing me to have one child. Dd is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, but it still has never made me want more. We were very happy without kids, too, and I know that had we never had dd, we would have been perfectly content (obviously because we'd not know how great it is to have a kid). In fact, when we didn't get pregnant for so long, we always agreed that it wasn't so important to us to have any "intervention" to get pregnant. If I had gotten my tubes tied, dh would have been fine with that.

I have siblings, but we are not close. They are horrible people and I only WISH I were an only child. I don't see any reason to have siblings, necessarily, as it's not always a positive thing. Dd doesn't want a sibling, we don't want more kids. Dd and I have an amazing dynamic, that personally, I would not want to screw up with another kid in the mix. The fact is, we're just content... none of us feel the need to add to our family.

Dh will be 65 when dd graduates from high school... he didn't want to be thinking about retiring and still having children in the home.

We also support my mother because she spent her life making one bad decision after another. She lives with us (and my siblings have not lifted a finger in 5 years to do ANYTHING to help). We actually claim her on our taxes as a dependent. It's like having a second child. Financially, we wouldn't be able to do as much if we had a larger family because we have to support her.

I could give many more reasons, but in the end, it just "works" for us.

ETA: I just read MARIMARA'S post and I have to say that many of the things she mentioned apply to us as well.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

We were planning to probably just have one, and then dd came and was colicky and high needs and that made us feel stronger about it. We decided not to close the door completely, but not even to consider it for five years, because as high needs as she was, she would need all our attention. And we did eventually change our minds. Older dd is 8, younger one is 1. It's a great spacing, really, and I'm glad we did it this way. Although younger dd is a really easy baby. I wonder what we would have though if we had her first.


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## columbusmomma (Oct 31, 2006)

I was set with just one, content, life was good etc. DS was high energy(he does have adhd)and took lots of patience,tons of care, wore me out ha-ha! etc). But above all I just loved the 3 of us. And life got easier as he got older, we could do stuff,go out,money wasn't a huge issue,etc. Then I don't know, one day I just wanted another. Fast forward 5 years+ and DD was born. So I don't know what changed my mind honestly. Glad I did, but LOVE, LOVE the age difference. Can't imagine having 2 closer in age. He's in school, has so much independence, don't have to worry about diapering 2,napping 2, etc. Now at times I do ponder a 3rd....but don't know if I can go back to a newborn, all that care, etc. So I guess in a way I'm back in that situation of thinking of another, but due to my age I can't wait for another over 5 years apart age gap!! But it's been great with having 2 with this age difference, pretty easy!


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## Friday13th (Jun 13, 2006)

I am an only child, as is my mother so I always knew I wanted more than one. We agreed we would definitely have two, preferrably 3 to 4 years apart and then revisit the idea of a third. Three is my ABSOLUTE maximum and when I unexpectedly got pregnant before DS1 turned 2 it cemented my belief that I do not handle being pregnant and being the sole caregiver for a toddler well at all. I feel like DS is being short changed because I'm tired and moody and hormonal. I will be getting an IUD after DS2 is born and in 4 or 5 years when they're both in school we'll see if number 3 is still a consideration or if it's time to make the vasectomy appointment.

For me, I definitely wanted more than one because I was a really lonely kid and my mother is now struggling as the sole caregiver for my grandmother with Alzheimer's. I do think, at this point, that more than two would be spreading myself too thin.


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## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

I love the idea of a 5 year age gap. Right now I have zero zip interest in having another one, and I LOVE being a mother. I had severe morning sickness during my pregnancy and honestly I can't imagine chasing around a toddler and puking 10 times a day! I also don't want to juggle the needs of two small children. I'm fine caring for a 5 year and an infant because they would want different things. But two babies who both want to nurse and need diaper changes? Not for me! I also want my dd to really experience being a big sister. I would have loved having a little baby around when I was 5 or 6!

OP I used to be a nanny and I was TERRIFIED of ever having my own. The good news is that your experience as a nanny will help A LOT. Also you will have way more patience and love for your own child. I loved my charges and all but mothering my own is so different!


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

I've been back and forth on a related question. I think I had always assumed I wanted 2 kids, 2 years apart. That's how things were in my family. DH's brother is only 13 months younger and that was definitely too close for me.

Then DS was born and was very INTENSE as a baby. I feel like his babyhood was something to be survived and I couldn't fathom another child until he turned 2. Then I started to think about it, but didn't convince DH for another 8 months or so. Then I had two miscarriages. Now we have our beautiful daughter and our kids are 4 years apart (ages 6 and 2). That's further apart than I planned, but not as far apart as many who will post here.

My point from this ramble is I think this kind of planning has to be adjusted as you go along. If we'd had my laid back DD first, we would have had that second child a lot sooner. If we'd done that, perhaps we wouldn't have had the m/cs. Maybe we'd even think about a third. If we got pregnant by accident (God forbid!), I know we wouldn't terminate.

It's good to have a plan, but it's good to adjust the plan when life comes along.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

There are a lot of reasons why we decided to have an only, but I don't think there was any one moment of decision. You never know how you will adapt to being a parent until you have a child. Before we had dd, we thought we wanted 3.

Our reasons are:
1) That amorphous feeling that your family is absolutely complete. This is the biggest one. We know, KNOW that we are done.
2) We find parenting much harder than other people. It's not that dd is an especially hard child, but that dh and I find the work of parenting difficult. I love dd to pieces and am overjoyed that she's part of my family, but I don't find personal fulfillment in the job of mothering the way that some people do.
3) Dh and I are both people who thrive on quiet, lots of thinking time, etc. I need a lot of alone time, and I find that being around other people too much really saps my energy. When I'm around groups of kids, I feel like I want to crawl out of skin--it's too much noise, too much activity, etc. I can't imagine having more than one child in my house. I think I would lose my mind.
4) We both have fairly high-pressure careers and are already stretched very thin. We feel it would be unfair to her and to another child to stretch ourselves even more, even if we felt we could handle it (which we don't).
5) We very much like the flexibility and monetary advantages of having one child--being able to afford travel and to do so conveniently, to potentially send dd to private school, etc.
6) Dd has severe, life-threatening food allergies. Her allergies need constant management and specialty foods are incredibly expensive. This is just another thing on our plates that makes us not want to add further complication.
7) We feel, personally, that is more responsible to have a smaller family (although I know others feel differently, and I don't judge anyone else's choices). We like that we are able to live in a much smaller space, to have a smaller car, etc.

FWIW, we knew early on that we were only going to have the one. Everyone said we would change our minds. Four years later, we are only firmer in our convictions. Large families are not for everyone, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the family size that is right for YOU.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

We have one dd- 4yo. I had three mcs and corrective surgery before being able to carry her to term (with 4 months bedrest)-- that added up to about 2 years of my mind coming to terms with the fact that we might never have any children, and that, if we did, it might have to be in some non-traditional way. I was completely neurotic through the entire pregnancy, and fairly terrified for the first two years of her life, that _something_ would go wrong. I can't put any of us through that again. I remember being in the hospital after she was born (bad tear, frightening recovery) and making my husband promise that I never had to do that again. It was TOTALLY worth it, but I was desperate to become a mother, and now I AM a mother-- that desire has been fulfilled. As dd has gotten older, I've discovered many reasons that having one child just feels so right-- so many that I won't even try to list them all out









I know what you mean about the surprising, happy conviction-- realizing that you CAN have just one felt to me like discovering a wonderful secret-- dh and I both have really amazing relationships with dd, as well as the freedom to follow other passions we both have. I think the biggest thing for me right now, is seeing my own patience levels, sleeplessness tolerance, etc., and knowing that I have given my dd every bit of me that I felt she needed, but that I just don't feel like I have enough "me" left to do it again. I'm exhausted and just starting to get tiny glimpses of myself back-- and I like that- I want some more! I know that some people say that I martyr myself- but I have no regrets. My dd has always been very wary of new adults, and so I chose not to push her (which means that she was later in being comfortable with sitters, still doesn't do gym childcare, etc.-- not as much "me time" as many of my mom friends seem to find) I also am constantly surprised at how little interest I have in pregnancy, babies, etc.-- I just feel like I've BTDT.

I love my girl with ever fiber of my being, and am so grateful that we have her--- she has made our family complete, and she is wonderfully, beautifully, utterly enough


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

GoestoShow --







I hope things get brighter for you soon!

When I was a kid, I read some book, I think it was called the Stair-Step Sisters, about a family of 5 girls, pretty close in age. And it was cemented in my mind that when I grew up, I wanted a bunch of little "Stair-Steps."

Then I didn't marry 'til age 35 -- but still felt hopeful that I might have time to have 4 or 5 children. I was blessed to become pregnant with DD1 right away -- she was born 9 months and 1 day after our wedding.

Then I fell in love with my new baby, and with attachment mothering and breastfeeding. Child-led weaning was very important to me, and I gradually realized that I needed to accept that, for me, the intense kind of mothering I was committed to, was really having its affect on my fertility.

I'd previously heard people say things like "breastfeeding as contraception is a big joke" -- but it wasn't for me. I didn't resume my periods until dd was 21 months old. And fertility took much longer than that to come back: I got pregnant with dd2 when dd1 was four, so now I have 2 girls almost 5 years apart.

But, even though we didn't plan on the 5-year spacing, it has really been ideal for us and our girls. Both got plenty of time to be the baby. Both nursed well beyond 4 years (dd2 turns 5 at 10:02 pm tonight and she still nurses about once a day).

Of course, I'm not saying that tandem nursing isn't possible or wonderful -- I'm just realizing that this long spacing has been great for us and our girls.

Up until a year or so ago, I was very much wanting to get pregnant with a 3rd -- but I've had three early miscarriages (one of them was actually between the births of dds 1 and 2,), and at this point I think things are winding down for me fertility-wise (I'll be 46 in May).

Over the past year, I've noticed a gradual shift in my attitude -- I've gone from feeling like I just HAD to have another, to feeling like we are pretty complete with just the 4 of us -- though of course we would welcome another baby if I did become pregnant again and actually carry to term.


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## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoestoShow* 
Yes.

During the c-section.

No way in hell am I ever going through surgery again for someone else. It ruined my life, and ruined any desire I had for the large family I had always planned. My son is it, though not enough.









I'm so sorry mama. There's nothing worse in life than having choices taken away from you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DariusMom* 

Our house is quiet and peaceful. We have ample financial resources. I don't have to pack diapers, snacks, juice for every outing. I sleep through the night. I'm no longer puked on regularly. We talk and have lots of fun together. DH and I go out alone together regularly and getting a babysitter for an older self-sufficient kid is pretty easy. DS has absolutely no interest in a little brother or sister and is never lonely. We can travel easily. We're happy with the status quo.

This is what sounds so appealing to me. I always thought I was a baby person, but the boy I take care of is 6 and he is so much fun! I love that there's no diapers, no crying, he can walk, I can leave him for ten minutes to run to the bathroom and not worry about him killing himself, etc. I also view things like regularly traveling and being debt-free incredibly important. I'm a vegetarian who buys almost all local and organic, and I don't want to have to ever sacrifice health and eco-responsibility for cheapness. I want to help my kids with college, buy them a car when they turn 16, send them to private performing arts high schools, etc. I know that moms of many would say that money doesn't buy happiness, and I agree, but I had a phenomenal childhood because of our spacing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marimara* 
I knew from the moment I even thought about having kids, I was only going to have one (barring multiples of course). I thought about overpopulation and all the suffering humans worldwide and what it means to bring yet another human onto the planet. I thought about what I could handle, given my introvertedness, need for space, time to think and read, and how having children would impact that.

Thanks for touching on overpopulation. It's something I haven't thought much about, and am sadly uninformed about. I'm also a huge introvert and require alone time to function, something I've found non-introverts don't understand.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I have siblings, but we are not close. They are horrible people and I only WISH I were an only child. I don't see any reason to have siblings, necessarily, as it's not always a positive thing. Dd doesn't want a sibling, we don't want more kids. Dd and I have an amazing dynamic, that personally, I would not want to screw up with another kid in the mix. The fact is, we're just content... none of us feel the need to add to our family.

I'm glad you said this. I have two siblings, and I love them both because they are my family. I adore my sister, we're best friends. However, my parents decided to stop TTC the month they found out mom was pregnant. I fully realize that it's a gamble as to if you like your siblings, and if you never have them you never have to find out which way they would have gone. I love my brother, but we don't get along and it is stressful. I obviously wouldn't wish him out of existence, but I would never call either of my siblings "gifts." They're people, and frequently the expectation of being best friends can backfire.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
We were planning to probably just have one, and then dd came and was colicky and high needs and that made us feel stronger about it. We decided not to close the door completely, but not even to consider it for five years, because as high needs as she was, she would need all our attention. And we did eventually change our minds. Older dd is 8, younger one is 1. It's a great spacing, really, and I'm glad we did it this way. Although younger dd is a really easy baby. I wonder what we would have though if we had her first.

My little sister didn't STTN until she was over a year old, and she developed a seizure disorder that resulted in several long hospital stays and some developmental delays and an eventual diagnosis of Asperbergers. My mom has said in no uncertain terms that if she had been first (brother has a different mom), there would have been no more children. I think that personality does and should play a role.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *columbusmomma* 
I was set with just one, content, life was good etc. DS was high energy(he does have adhd)and took lots of patience,tons of care, wore me out ha-ha! etc). But above all I just loved the 3 of us. And life got easier as he got older, we could do stuff,go out,money wasn't a huge issue,etc. Then I don't know, one day I just wanted another. Fast forward 5 years+ and DD was born. So I don't know what changed my mind honestly. Glad I did, but LOVE, LOVE the age difference. Can't imagine having 2 closer in age. He's in school, has so much independence, don't have to worry about diapering 2,napping 2, etc. Now at times I do ponder a 3rd....but don't know if I can go back to a newborn, all that care, etc. So I guess in a way I'm back in that situation of thinking of another, but due to my age I can't wait for another over 5 years apart age gap!! But it's been great with having 2 with this age difference, pretty easy!

My mom has said all of this about our age differences









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Friday13th* 
I am an only child, as is my mother so I always knew I wanted more than one. We agreed we would definitely have two, preferrably 3 to 4 years apart and then revisit the idea of a third. Three is my ABSOLUTE maximum and when I unexpectedly got pregnant before DS1 turned 2 it cemented my belief that I do not handle being pregnant and being the sole caregiver for a toddler well at all. I feel like DS is being short changed because I'm tired and moody and hormonal. I will be getting an IUD after DS2 is born and in 4 or 5 years when they're both in school we'll see if number 3 is still a consideration or if it's time to make the vasectomy appointment.

For me, I definitely wanted more than one because I was a really lonely kid and my mother is now struggling as the sole caregiver for my grandmother with Alzheimer's. I do think, at this point, that more than two would be spreading myself too thin.

As much as some people disagree, I think there's a reason why two is usually portrayed as such a great number, as opposed to 3, 4, 5+ kids. My older brother lived with his mom most of the time, and my parents said it was perfect having two kids (sister and I) because each of us could get one parent's sole focus and attention, whereas with more kids it's somewhat of a juggling act.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scottishmommy* 
I would have loved having a little baby around when I was 5 or 6!

OP I used to be a nanny and I was TERRIFIED of ever having my own. The good news is that your experience as a nanny will help A LOT. Also you will have way more patience and love for your own child. I loved my charges and all but mothering my own is so different!

When I was about 9 or 10 I wanted another sibling so badly! I was still young enough when my sister was born that I couldn't participate much and I don't remember much of it. I was born when my brother was 9, and he had a blast with me. As for nannying, I'm surprised at how much I absolutely love it. It makes me excited to have my own someday. It's so tiring though! I leave and fall into bed and sleep for about 10 hours









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Girlprof* 
My point from this ramble is I think this kind of planning has to be adjusted as you go along. If we'd had my laid back DD first, we would have had that second child a lot sooner. If we'd done that, perhaps we wouldn't have had the m/cs. Maybe we'd even think about a third. If we got pregnant by accident (God forbid!), I know we wouldn't terminate.

It's good to have a plan, but it's good to adjust the plan when life comes along.

To me, that's phenomenal parenting. I think the number one sign of being a good mama is taking the needs of your child and placing them before the rest of your plans. I really believe that in some instances, a sibling is not in the best interest of child, so going with the flow and honoring the needs of your children and your family should be priority number one for everyone.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
There are a lot of reasons why we decided to have an only, but I don't think there was any one moment of decision. You never know how you will adapt to being a parent until you have a child. Before we had dd, we thought we wanted 3.

Our reasons are:
1) That amorphous feeling that your family is absolutely complete. This is the biggest one. We know, KNOW that we are done.
2) We find parenting much harder than other people. It's not that dd is an especially hard child, but that dh and I find the work of parenting difficult. I love dd to pieces and am overjoyed that she's part of my family, but I don't find personal fulfillment in the job of mothering the way that some people do.
*I'm pretty sure I'll fall into this category, since I find interacting for extended periods of time with anyone to be work. I love people, I love my family, but I think that giving your all to a relationship IS work.*
3) Dh and I are both people who thrive on quiet, lots of thinking time, etc. I need a lot of alone time, and I find that being around other people too much really saps my energy. When I'm around groups of kids, I feel like I want to crawl out of skin--it's too much noise, too much activity, etc. I can't imagine having more than one child in my house. I think I would lose my mind.*This! I used to babysit for a few larger families and it was so loud! A few hours and I'd be absolutely itching to get home. I've never seen someone vocalize it so well, but I also find it very draining to be in a group situation for extended periods. This gets more pronounced as I get older.*
4) We both have fairly high-pressure careers and are already stretched very thin. We feel it would be unfair to her and to another child to stretch ourselves even more, even if we felt we could handle it (which we don't).*Unlike many more natural minded people, I don't want to be a SAHM. I imagine I'll stay home for a year or so, but I want the satisfaction of a career. I have no issues with women staying home, but I feel strongly against it for myself. Once again, I had a fantastic childhood and hope to recreate it for my kid(s) someday, and my mom always worked full time once I was out of baby-hood. I respect her so much for it, and know I would feel different if she had given up her schooling and career for us.*
5) We very much like the flexibility and monetary advantages of having one child--being able to afford travel and to do so conveniently, to potentially send dd to private school, etc. *This is also very important to me.*
6) Dd has severe, life-threatening food allergies. Her allergies need constant management and specialty foods are incredibly expensive. This is just another thing on our plates that makes us not want to add further complication.
7) We feel, personally, that is more responsible to have a smaller family (although I know others feel differently, and I don't judge anyone else's choices). We like that we are able to live in a much smaller space, to have a smaller car, etc.
*I feel very much the same. It's important to me to drive small vehicles, live in a smaller space and as an environmentalist, I would feel like I was causing irreparable harm to the environment if I had a large family.*

FWIW, we knew early on that we were only going to have the one. Everyone said we would change our minds. Four years later, we are only firmer in our convictions. Large families are not for everyone, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the family size that is right for YOU.

Thank you for this. In my english class, my group had to present on an essay about late motherhood, which led us all to talk about how we'd like to mother someday. By saying that I wanted to be older (mid-late 20's) and only have one child, I immediately got a semi-snarky response from a girl who planned to start having kids as soon as her and her fiancee got married and wanted to have 4+ kids, in that holier-than-thou tone. It's sad to me that women start judging other people's lifestyle and parenting choices long before they even have kids.


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## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
We have one dd- 4yo. I had three mcs and corrective surgery before being able to carry her to term (with 4 months bedrest)-- that added up to about 2 years of my mind coming to terms with the fact that we might never have any children, and that, if we did, it might have to be in some non-traditional way. I was completely neurotic through the entire pregnancy, and fairly terrified for the first two years of her life, that _something_ would go wrong. I can't put any of us through that again. I remember being in the hospital after she was born (bad tear, frightening recovery) and making my husband promise that I never had to do that again. It was TOTALLY worth it, but I was desperate to become a mother, and now I AM a mother-- that desire has been fulfilled. As dd has gotten older, I've discovered many reasons that having one child just feels so right-- so many that I won't even try to list them all out









I know what you mean about the surprising, happy conviction-- realizing that you CAN have just one felt to me like discovering a wonderful secret-- dh and I both have really amazing relationships with dd, as well as the freedom to follow other passions we both have. I think the biggest thing for me right now, is seeing my own patience levels, sleeplessness tolerance, etc., and knowing that I have given my dd every bit of me that I felt she needed, but that I just don't feel like I have enough "me" left to do it again. I'm exhausted and just starting to get tiny glimpses of myself back-- and I like that- I want some more! I know that some people say that I martyr myself- but I have no regrets. My dd has always been very wary of new adults, and so I chose not to push her (which means that she was later in being comfortable with sitters, still doesn't do gym childcare, etc.-- not as much "me time" as many of my mom friends seem to find) I also am constantly surprised at how little interest I have in pregnancy, babies, etc.-- I just feel like I've BTDT.

I love my girl with ever fiber of my being, and am so grateful that we have her--- she has made our family complete, and she is wonderfully, beautifully, utterly enough









Thank you! That was such a beautiful testament









Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
GoestoShow --







I hope things get brighter for you soon!

When I was a kid, I read some book, I think it was called the Stair-Step Sisters, about a family of 5 girls, pretty close in age. And it was cemented in my mind that when I grew up, I wanted a bunch of little "Stair-Steps."

Then I didn't marry 'til age 35 -- but still felt hopeful that I might have time to have 4 or 5 children. I was blessed to become pregnant with DD1 right away -- she was born 9 months and 1 day after our wedding.

Then I fell in love with my new baby, and with attachment mothering and breastfeeding. Child-led weaning was very important to me, and I gradually realized that I needed to accept that, for me, the intense kind of mothering I was committed to, was really having its affect on my fertility.

I'd previously heard people say things like "breastfeeding as contraception is a big joke" -- but it wasn't for me. I didn't resume my periods until dd was 21 months old. And fertility took much longer than that to come back: I got pregnant with dd2 when dd1 was four, so now I have 2 girls almost 5 years apart.

But, even though we didn't plan on the 5-year spacing, it has really been ideal for us and our girls. Both got plenty of time to be the baby. Both nursed well beyond 4 years (dd2 turns 5 at 10:02 pm tonight and she still nurses about once a day).

Of course, I'm not saying that tandem nursing isn't possible or wonderful -- I'm just realizing that this long spacing has been great for us and our girls.

Up until a year or so ago, I was very much wanting to get pregnant with a 3rd -- but I've had three early miscarriages (one of them was actually between the births of dds 1 and 2,), and at this point I think things are winding down for me fertility-wise (I'll be 46 in May).

Over the past year, I've noticed a gradual shift in my attitude -- I've gone from feeling like I just HAD to have another, to feeling like we are pretty complete with just the 4 of us -- though of course we would welcome another baby if I did become pregnant again and actually carry to term.

I have a friend who is a stair-step. She's the middle of five girls, all born within about 6-7 years. Her dad really wanted a boy









I frequently wonder about the age thing. I have several friends who are single, but want several kids. I wonder if they'd be disappointed if they didn't get married until they were older, and didn't have the time to have those 5 kids they're just dying to have. I obviously hope to get married younger, but I'm painfully realistic and realize that if "the one" doesn't come along until I'm older, there's not much I can do except be happy with what I've got.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I always only wanted one child and I just felt that we were a perfect little family after I had my dd.


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## leighi123 (Nov 14, 2007)

I only have ds now... but I really want more kids!

Its NOT going to happen any time soon, as Im a single mom, full time college student and now living with my parents until I finish school and can afford to move on. So if I have more kids, it will be several years from now, ds is already 2.5, so his siblings will be much younger than him.

BUT thinking about it, I cant imagine having another kid yet, while my ds is so smart and growing up in so many ways, he is still a 'baby' in other ways, I want to enjoy that time with him while I can.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *leighi123* 
BUT thinking about it, I cant imagine having another kid yet, while my ds is so smart and growing up in so many ways, he is still a 'baby' in other ways, I want to enjoy that time with him while I can.

This is one thing I've noticed. It seems like the longer spacing between my 2 children has enabled me to see them as babies for much longer, and to have more patience with them sometimes seeming to "regress" in some area, than I might if I were having a new baby every 1 1/2 or 2 years.

LOL, when I was pregnant with dd2, dd1 was 4 and it felt like such a LONG TIME since I'd "gotten" to change diapers. I had a ball re-reading Theresa Rodriguez-Farrisi's book _Diaper Changes_, and ordering new covers for the new baby (I still had some of dd1's old diapers, but hadn't started cloth-diapering her 'til she was 10 months old, so didn't have any small diaper covers).

Then dd2, for a really long time, had a preference for going in her diapers instead of using the potty. She did occasionally use the potty, so I knew she didn't have any kind of physical problem -- but she was almost 4 1/2 before she suddenly decided she wanted to start wearing panties and using the potty all the time.

While I'm sure I could have handled having both her and a new baby in diapers, it is sure easier just having one at a time in diapers.


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## kcstar (Mar 20, 2009)

DS is 2.5. I always thought I wanted two, about 3 years apart. So theoretically I should be TTC now. But balancing a full-time job with continuing education, I worry that DS doesn't get enough of my time, and another would make that worse.

I am still breastfeeding. While my cycles have returned, I don't know whether fertility has or not.

It's been stressful the last two years with my grandmother and my mother's cancers and deaths. And, unfortunately, I'm a stress eater. Which combined with PCOS makes my chances of conceiving right now worse.

A part of me wants to hurry up and have #2 so that my MIL has a good chance of seeing them.

A part of me knows that having #2 now is likely to push my weight over the line I NEVER want to cross. It's bad enough being back where I was before I resumed martial arts training.

A part of me wants to not be exhausted, so that if MIL's cancer battle goes badly I'll have the energy to help DH and DS. So that we have the energy to make memories together like Disney.

And I'm reminding myself that there's never a perfect time to have a child.


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## starling&diesel (Nov 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DariusMom* 

Our house is quiet and peaceful. We have ample financial resources. I don't have to pack diapers, snacks, juice for every outing. I sleep through the night. I'm no longer puked on regularly. We talk and have lots of fun together. DH and I go out alone together regularly and getting a babysitter for an older self-sufficient kid is pretty easy. DS has absolutely no interest in a little brother or sister and is never lonely. We can travel easily. We're happy with the status quo.

I want to be able to write your post when our DD is six! What an inspiring post! These are all the aspects we are hoping for ...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
We were planning to probably just have one, and then dd came and was colicky and high needs and that made us feel stronger about it. Although younger dd is a really easy baby. I wonder what we would have though if we had her first.

It's funny, our DD is super mellow and laid back, easy going, and a breeze so far, and that's one of the main reasons why we're leaning towards just the one. What if we had a challenging babe the second time around after we'd been so 'spoiled' with DD? What if we didn't 'like' babe #2 as much? We both 'like' DD as well as love her to pieces ... I can't imagine feeling any ambivalence towards a second offspring.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
4) We both have fairly high-pressure careers and are already stretched very thin. We feel it would be unfair to her and to another child to stretch ourselves even more, even if we felt we could handle it (which we don't).
5) We very much like the flexibility and monetary advantages of having one child--being able to afford travel and to do so conveniently, to potentially send dd to private school, etc.

I'm a paramedic and DP is a chef, so our hours are long and our jobs are stressful and high-paced. I only have so much energy left over, and I want it to all go to DD.

We often think about a second child, and haven't made up our minds yet. We like that we can live in a smaller space in a great urban neighbourhood. We like that we can travel easily. We like that we have time for each other. We like that we all fit into our queen-sized bed. We like the kid clutter kept to a minimum.

If we do have another child, it would likely be more than three years from now, putting DD near to school-aged.

Great thread ... I love reading the thought process behind this question. I wish I could ask every mama of one-and-onlies how they came to that reality.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

For us, having a 13/20 year gap between our youngest and his next sibling/first was not planned. In fact, he wasn't planned. We say that God allowed us to plan the girls, but He planned Dylan. There are times when I wish that he was closer in age to his sisters. So that he would have a sibling relationship with the older 2 instead of just Angela. But it is what it is. And it was great having more "moms" to deal with him when he was younger. On the other hand, his sisters got reall tired of all the teen mom looks and comments when they were out in public with him when he was a baby. People still mistake him for Joy's oldest since he is only 7 years older than his oldest nephew.


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## craft_media_hero (May 15, 2009)

Well, there are upsides and downsides to both.

I am pregnant with my second, who will be seven years younger than my first. There are lots of good things about having an "only" like the quiet time, etc. that you mentioned. There are also drawbacks like the only being more dependent, etc.

I always figured I would have lots of kids and didn't plan the age gap. I have really enjoyed our time just the two of us, but I think it would've been great for dd to have a sib closer in age.

Now, we are planning on having another much closer in age to this second one because we don't want to have three "only children" if that makes sense. DD1 will love to be older and have that "mother hen" role, but I worry about her feeling isolated from the younger ones.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I always wanted 3 kids, 2 years apart. Dh wanted 4 kids.

We had our first (a surprise) and I seriously began to realize I didn't want so many kids. It took a good 2-2 1/2 years before I even began to want another. Then we had fertility issues and my boys ended up being just over 4 years apart. Which I never ever wanted. My brother and I are 4 years apart and had a rough time growing up. We're great now though.

But I ended up loving the spacing. It gave me a chance to let each boy be the baby. I wasn't so exhausted from having kids close together and constantly changing diapers, feeding, etc. And even in the future, things will be easier I think. They'll each go through high school on their own for example and won't have to compete against each other.

And I've found, I'm so not a baby person. I love my kids and adored them as babies, but babies are hard! When I do think about having another baby, the thought of being up multiple times at night, changing diapers, starting solids, just makes me tired.

I don't feel like I'm "missing" out on anything by only having 2, with a good sized gap between them.


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## snarky (Nov 8, 2006)

My daughter (now 3) was a difficult baby. My husband nearly had a nervous breakdown looking after her. Maybe we would have another if I was the one who could stay home through infancy next time. However, I'm the high income earner, so I can never stay home, so the point is moot.

I know I don't want another baby anyway. Holding newborn babies is very weird to me now, they're like little space aliens. Not sure why I would want one in my house. I have enough to do with my day.

Besides, I like adults. I like adult conversations. I have always heard that with one child, the adults remain in control of how life goes, but with two or more the kids take over and life is child-centric. I enjoy having a modicum of control in my day.

I love my daughter and it is a joy to help her grow up. The bigger she gets, the happier I get. We're teaching her to hike, we'll see nature again, we can do fun things, it's great.

I would never rule out another child entirely - but I only foresee this happening should anything ever happen to my daughter or my husband and I wanted to start over.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I didn't plan a big gap at all. My XP (DD's father) and i split up when she was 8 weeks old.

I want 3 or 4 kids ultimately, but at the moment i'm very grateful for the fact that i have a big capable girl (will be 4 next month) when my next newborn arrives. I have friends with a newborn and an 18month old and i honestly don't think i could cope.

I'm a SAHM (and glad to be so) and i have always wanted since being a child to have and enjoy my kids myself, and not share them with other carers of my self with another job, so i'm happy doing what i am. But i believe that having a minimum of 3 years with me as their main carer is very beneficial, but at the same time i'm not sure i want to be solely a SAHM for 15 years, so at the moment i'm torn on the gap between #2 and #3.

It's possible everything will change for me after this next baby is born, but at the moment i cannot see myself being able to cope with a pregnancy/newborn with a child under 2.5 MINIMUM. I guess i may end up still having babies in my 40's (i had DD at 25). I think that having kids really close together, from what i've observed, is ultimately great for the kids when they're little (if they're going to have siblings i mean) but not for the person having/caring for them.


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## July09Mama (Dec 5, 2008)

We plan to have 2 about 5 years apart. Not as big a spread as some, but it seems big to me.
I was the oldest of 3, 13 mo. older than the next baby, who is 19 mo. older than the last. I just felt that our house was too chaotic and there was never enough attention to go around. As the oldest, I had to stop being the baby at just 13 months old. I want my daughter to be the baby for at least a few years. I also had a kinda tough pregnancy (not dangerous, just very unpleasant and sick) and I want dd to be old enough to understand what's happening in case that happens again. I guess during my pregnancy is when I feel like I made a definite decision that I didn't want to do that again any time soon! I also want her to wean before I get pregnant again, but I don't want to rush her weaning.
Another factor for me is that I'm in my early 20's, so if I had another baby soon and only had 2, they'd all be grown up before I was even 50, which seems young to me.


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## kcstar (Mar 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *July09Mama* 
Another factor for me is that I'm in my early 20's, so if I had another baby soon and only had 2, they'd all be grown up before I was even 50, which seems young to me.

Ah, but then you'll still be young enough to enjoy your grandchildren.

My parents had a big split between we older four and my youngest brothers. My youngest brothers are 17 and 18. Mom just died of cancer at 55.

It is weird to realize that I can remember when my parents were my age. When my Dad turned 30, he seemed so old to me. But I can also say that, while I didn't get along with them, they were around for me to talk to if I wanted to as a young adult.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I wanted at least two, 2-3 years apart. After dd1, dh didn't want any more. He put it off to the point where I accepted she was going to be an only. I was okay with that. Then when she was 5, dh decided that maybe another one would be a good idea. I was pregnant within a week.

When dd2 was born, I decided I was done, and when she was 3ish dh had a vas. We are happy with our decisions, though dd2, who will be 10 in July, told me last week she wants a little sister. Sorry kid, not happening.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
When dd2 was born, I decided I was done, and when she was 3ish dh had a vas. We are happy with our decisions, though dd2, who will be 10 in July, told me last week she wants a little sister. Sorry kid, not happening.

Dylan used to ask for a little brother so he could have a sibling to play with. Since I was 45 when he was born, another child was out of the question as far as I was concerned. He got nephews and nieces instead.

Chris


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## dahlialia (Mar 22, 2009)

I had originally wanted 2, without particular thought to spacing. Then DD came along, and she was _intense_. Adjusting to mommyhood was hard! After her, DH and I both said "no more", we loved our little family of 3.

And then we got to _that_ point. DD started school, and in general was a delight. We did a lot of travelling with her, I could focus on my career again. Life was good. But, I couldn't help but think...is this all there is? I loved being able to focus on work again, but I also had this niggling thought...I have another 30 years in the workforce; but only a few years of fertility left. Ultimately we decided we could handle babyhood one more time.

DD is 7 years old as of yesterday, and DD2 is 7 months old. I am SO SO glad we changed our minds. DD2 and DD1 adore each other. DD2 is a much easier going baby, and I am better equipped to handle the sleepless nights and other challenges. I feel like having her has helped heal some of what we all went through the first time.

And I am a huge fan of the age gap. Of course it was still a big adjustment, but it is relatively easy to make sure everyone gets what they need. And I think we must be doing something right - DD1 tells me much of the time that she has the "best family you ever could have".

I don't worry too much about the girls having a hard time relating because of the age difference. At the moment, DD1 loves helping DD2 play with her baby toys, and is forever writing her stories and plays. TBH DD1 is not a "toy" person, most of her time is spent on crafts. Which soon enough they will be able to do together, at their own levels.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

We had our children very spaced out. We currently have 14, 7 and 5 month olds in the house. I'm also an introvert and prefer MY time and have to have time alone so it helps that they are spaced out. I don't have toddlers running around while I care for the baby, for instance. I also get help when DH helps out with the baby or I have a sitter at times. And I have a lot of alone time when everyone goes to bed at night for atleast 10-20 minutes before I also go to bed. I realize after having two older children that they grow up fast so pretty soon the baby will be more independent and I will have even more me time.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

I'm an only with an only. He turned 5 in February. I love our little family and I can't imagine going back to the infant days. One of the reasons I know I'm finished having kids is that I don't get that "baby lust" thing people are always talking about. I have no idea what they mean. I really don't care for infants. Bring me a toddler and I can get into that, but I have zero interest in babies. So, that's how I know!

I also know that I loved being and only. For many of the reasons already stated here -- I didn't feel like our family was financially strained, I got to go on lots of vacations, I went to private school, etc. I want all of these things for my son. He's an awesome kid and he deserves it!

DH and I never had a "plan" of how many kids we wanted. We always just said "one or two maybe" and now we just know we are done and we agree, which is wonderful. We know for a fact that we wouldn't want three kids and the risk of having twins goes up as I get older, so that's one more reason to quit while we're ahead!









For me, there are too many "what if's" about having a second. What if there's something wrong with the baby? What if something happens to me in childbirth? What if I conceive multiples? What if I can't handle the sibling fighting? What if, What if, What if. Just can't bring myself to go there. I'll stop rambling now!

Join us over here if you want to talk more about onlies! http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=652903


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## Everrgreen (Feb 27, 2007)

I've really enjoyed reading this thread. My thoughts on how my family would look have been tossed upside down as my husband and I have recently separated. I have a 13 month old DS and I had always planned to have 4 kids spaced by 2-3 years. But obviously now everything has changed. I have no idea if/when I'll meet someone else and have more children. I desperately want to have more even if it's several years down the road. I am really enjoying just being me and my son right now though, and from reading all your posts the idea of a large spacing has really grown on me.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

labdogs42 said:


> For me, there are too many "what if's" about having a second. What if there's something wrong with the baby? What if something happens to me in childbirth? What if I conceive multiples? What if I can't handle the sibling fighting? What if, What if, What if. Just can't bring myself to go there. I'll stop rambling now!
> 
> /QUOTE]
> 
> Not to argue with you, just early morning ramblings brought on by reading your post. We always thought that our family was complete after Angela was born. I seriously thought about an abortion (abortion is against my beliefs) when I got pregnant with Dylan. Now I can't conceive that our family would be complete without him. I guess what I'm saying is make your choices but be open to when life throws you curves. And realize that your choices will limit your life. All choices do.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

sewchris2642 said:


> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *labdogs42*
> ...


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

when we were TTC with DS (which took us 2 1/2 years) our plan was to have 3 or 4 kids and not to worry about family planning... basically just to keep having kids until we decided we were done.

However, DS was a planned homebirth during which I needed a transfer and ultimately a cesarean birth. I have had some very real struggles with what happened. Immediately, I knew that we needed to wait at least a year before another baby... simply to promote proper scar healing... but the emotional healing has been a long road... sometimes I feel completely okay with it. But any time I start thinking about options for VBAC and how to prepare myself if I have to have another cesarean birth... well I just get really worked up. So I have some birth issues I need to work through. Plus, we have had some maritalstruggles.... and financial struggles... and we both work full time... and I just can't imagine having more than one in diapers at a time. We can't afford to go disposable dipes full time, and don't have the time to be washing dipes for two kids. That, and our evenings are just such a rush with one. Home from work, play a little, dinner, bath, bed. And DS is pretty high needs at bed time... it can take as much as 1-2 hours to get him to sleep. There just isn't hardly time to even breathe. Plus we can't afford to have more than one in day care at a time and we don't qualify for public assistance in that area.
On a more positive note... we are both VERY content with having just DS right now. We really enjoy him so much. And I personally enjoy being able to give him lots of energy and attention. I don't think I would be able to do that with two kids.
It's likely that we'll have other children in the future... maybe in a few years. We just have a lot that we need to get ironed out first.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shanniesue2* 
That, and our evenings are just such a rush with one. Home from work, play a little, dinner, bath, bed. And DS is pretty high needs at bed time... it can take as much as 1-2 hours to get him to sleep. There just isn't hardly time to even breathe. .

On this topic, my DS doesn't need a much sleep as the "experts" say he needs. I stopped struggling with bedtime and just let him stay up later and then put him to bed. IMO, it is way nicer to spend an hour playing or reading or snuggling with a child then spending an hour trying to get them to go to bed unwillingly. DS is 5 now and still stays up kind of late (9 or 10 pm most nights) but when I can see that he's ready, I give him fair warning (bedtime in 15 mintues or whatever) and he usually goes to sleep with no problems (I usually sit or lay down with him until he falls asleep). I hated trying to get him to go to sleep when he wasn't really tired and I only did it because I thought I was "supposed to". Once I realized I didn't have to do what "everyone" thought, we were all a lot happier at bed time!


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

DD and this baby will be a bit over 5 years apart. I had originally planned to have an only, but DD has special needs and for a variety of reasons (wanting to experience raising a typical child, wanting her to have a sibling for reasons that didn't apply to typical kids) and just generally changing our minds about wanting more, we started trying when she was about 3. I have a genetic disorder so I experienced several miscarriages and failed fertility treatment.

I had basically given up on my own eggs and quit, or as I was trying to think of it, "temporarily moved on" to wait to save up for IVF with egg donation 5+ years from now or whenever we could afford it (we might still do that in the future). The losses were too much physically & emotionally. I actually did get happy thinking of DD being so much older when I had another baby, she'd probably be a big help to me (only as much as SHE wanted to, of course) and I figured we have a happy life, that's the plan for now. This pregnancy was a TOTAL surprise, and very nerve wracking until we got the CVS results recently that it's healthy.

I think 5 years will be fine. I mean, my mom has 5 siblings, all different ages. I think the span between oldest and youngest is over 15 years. The ones who are closest to each other are NOT the ones who are closest in age. My mom is "BFF" with her youngest sister, who is 10+ years younger. Like, my mom is a grandmother, and her sister still has kids in elementary school.







When I look around at families, there is NO formula that works for everyone. And I'm fine with not having two tiny kids, I have to work and I'm tired enough already!


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

My ds is going to be turning 8 years old shortly after this little one is born.









I honestly thought ds would be an only child - his father, my x husband was abusive and I divorced him back when ds was a baby. He's not part of our lives. Dh has been in our lives since ds was a toddler, and after we married he adopted ds. He's always only wanted one child, and as far as he was concerned, ds was it and we were done.

I was ok with that for a long time - but started getting that baby itch a while ago. Dh was agreeable to just kinda see what happens and here we are.









I was 6 years older than my next sister and I just LOVED helping to take care of her. I'm very excited that ds is going to be old enough to actually help me some! He is super excited to have a baby brother or sister and is already planning names, etc. I really think this spacing is going to work well for our family.

So that's how we ended up with a large spacing. I'm going back to read the other responses now.


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
On this topic, my DS doesn't need a much sleep as the "experts" say he needs. I stopped struggling with bedtime and just let him stay up later and then put him to bed. IMO, it is way nicer to spend an hour playing or reading or snuggling with a child then spending an hour trying to get them to go to bed unwillingly. DS is 5 now and still stays up kind of late (9 or 10 pm most nights) but when I can see that he's ready, I give him fair warning (bedtime in 15 mintues or whatever) and he usually goes to sleep with no problems (I usually sit or lay down with him until he falls asleep). I hated trying to get him to go to sleep when he wasn't really tired and I only did it because I thought I was "supposed to". Once I realized I didn't have to do what "everyone" thought, we were all a lot happier at bed time!

see, I've thought about this... but during the day he shows signs of sleep deprivation (like falling asleep in his carseat and such)... so I'm not entirely sure about just letting him go to bed whenever.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaylaBeanie* 
...did you choose that? Was there a single moment that made you realize that you only wanted one kid/two kids with a large spacing between them?

We sort of stumbled into it.

Our kids are 4 year and 4 months apart. We weren't going to have any children.

Our first child was unplanned. It was a very difficult transition to motherhood (and adulthood) for me. I quit work and became a sahm when dd was 3 y.o. That's when I was finally out from under the stress of working and caring for our child.

And I could see how spoiled dd was getting (not in a good way). And I think I just wanted a second try at labor and delivery and the new baby time. I felt a lot more confident and wanted to try again.

So we got pregnant on purpose and had ds.

So they're spaced more than 4 years apart because that's when I felt like I could handle another, and wanted the family to be a little bigger.

Edited to add, I never felt 'baby lust' or 'baby fever' either. I enjoy holding my baby nieces and nephews. I enjoyed my babies. I'm wistful about how quickly they're growing up. Well, frankly I'm alarmed about that.







But I don't want to go through that hell again!

Dh got a vasectomy with ds was about a year old. It was wonderful for our sex life.


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## wholewheatchick (Mar 1, 2009)

This has been absolutely fascinating for me to read; thanks to all the posters!

DH and I don't have any kids yet but we have been "letting it happen when it happens" for a year now; I have some fertility issues. When I was in HS I wanted 7 kids; by the time I got to college I wanted 4. DH and I have been firm about 2 for a while, but I am seriously thinking that 1 might be good! We'll see how we feel when we get there, of course. DH is an only, and he loved it. I have a sister 26 mos. younger, and it was not good. That's prob. partly just b/c of our personalities, but I wish we were spaced further apart.

DH and I are both introverts. We don't like noise (DH wears construction ear muff when he vacuums!). I have been doing some intense "soul searching" lately and have discovered that I do want a career, and maybe I do want to work full time, but I do want to be a SAHM that first year of the baby's life, and, frankly, I'm not sure I'd want to do that twice.

Like I said, we'll see how it goes. But you've all given me a lot to think about.


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

Well, dd is 6 now and she was a planned only, born when I was 36.

And guess what? We are officially TTC. I am 42.

I really hope I'm not going to screw up dd's life, 'cause she loves being an only! She's receptive now to being a big sister, but life is definitely sweet.

It took us this long to decide to try again. And now the odds are against us, age-wise. I look at that and think, what if we can't get pregnant/have another now, what if we waited too long? Well, I wouldn't change anything. I wasn't prepared to force the issue with dh and frankly, I'm surprised we've reached this stage at all. It's been a good process and I'm still not entirely sure we AREN"T messing with a good thing. So now we wait and see. Our family is complete as is, so another baby is a "bonus," not a need. I think that's a good place to be. I sure hope I can maintain this perspective.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shanniesue2* 
see, I've thought about this... but during the day he shows signs of sleep deprivation (like falling asleep in his carseat and such)... so I'm not entirely sure about just letting him go to bed whenever.

You could try it for a week. Just choose not to fight with him about goign to sleep and see what happens. If it doesn't work, then go back to the old routine. My son occasionally falls asleep in his carseat, too. Heck, I fall asleep in a moving car even if I'm not really tired!







It is just an idea. I just thought it might be worth a try for you!


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## shishkeberry (Sep 24, 2004)

I'm not much of a kid person...to be honest, I don't really like other people's children. After my DS was born I decided that one was enough. But then I split with his father and met my DF. This baby is a birth control "oops" baby and I wanted to abort at first, but he talked me into keeping the baby. I love my DF to pieces and I decided that I would give him this, a child that's biologically his. He loves my DS, but he wants one "of his own", kwim?

I'm happy with the spacing. My DS will be almost 6 when this LO is born and starting kindergarten this fall. My DF wants another one (especially if this one is a girl) but I think I might be able to talk him out of it. I really don't want another one. I don't have a lot of patience and I think more than two would be too much for me to handle, both for their needs and my own.


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## bjorker (Jul 25, 2005)

I didn't read all the replies, but I too thought for a long while that we were just going to stop at one kid. For the same reasons mentioned-- I need a lot of down time, I'm a quiet person most of the time, etc. I did eventually change my mind, but not until dd was 4 and I felt like I could handle (and wanted) another. Before that, I had very little interest, it just hit me like a brick and I never looked back. Soooo... #2 should be here in ~3 months. I'm VERY glad I waited and was careful until I was ready.

Also, part of it is that dd clearly would benefit from having a sibling. She's EXTREMELY social and talkative and reaaaaaaaaaaaally dislikes being alone in any sense. I thinks she will love it, and that makes me happy too. If she had been more of a quiet, introverted type of kid, then I would have felt a lot better having just her. But she clearly would benefit by having a sibling, even with the 5.5 year age gap. I think I tried to deny that for a long while.


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## puffingirl (Nov 2, 2006)

I am so grateful to have found this discussion. DH and I have been at war with each other about this issue (he really wants another and I do not) and I was beginning to feel like I was the only woman in the world that just didn't want another kid. I often feel like I get the message that something is wrong with me and DH always tries to make me justify why I'm just done. Honestly, I have tears of relief in my eyes to read about other women who feel the same way. I never even really wanted any children but had one after years of fighting about it with DH after he decided he really did (when we met and married I said I didn't want any and that was ok with him). I love DD. She is absolutely the apple of my eye. But I am done. I really hated being pregnant (had an awful pregnancy) and did not like the baby stage much at all. Toddlerhood has been a blast for me. But it's not just the pregnancy and babyhood stuff. I just don't want to parent another child. I want to be able to focus time on my work, my own interests and have a big need for my own time. Money is fine now but would become very stressful with another child. Having one is perfect for me. It breaks my heart that I don't enjoy my family more though because of the constant strain of arguing with DH about another.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

I never really wanted children. Our DS was an 'accident'. I love him of course - and when he was about 3 months old, I knew having just one (and 'only') wouldn't be enough for me either! Personally - I would love four children.

BUT - I like big spacings. There will be nearly 5 years between this one (thats due any day now! lol) and my son. It was semi-planned that way. Despite being broody when he was 3 months old, I knew that a small spacing was never for us.

Two will be enough for us - but if we ever had more than two, I would stick with the same spacings. Thats fine for me -but we are stopping at two as DH is 12 years older than I am and doesn't fancy fathering children in his late 40s/early 50s.

I too am an introvert and like my sanity! lmao


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ann_of_loxley* 
Thats fine for me -but we are stopping at two as DH is 12 years older than I am and doesn't fancy fathering children in his late 40s/early 50s.

I too am an introvert and like my sanity! lmao

Dd was born when dh was in his late 40's. He's 54 now. In addition to the energy young children take, there are also financial ramifications of having children so late in life. Dh doesn't want to be facing retirement at 65 and still have kids at home. As it is, dd will be going off to college the same year dh (a university professor) will be thinking about retiring.

I'm an introvert too. That is, I like my quiet time, which I have precious little of between dd's school, p/t work, and my mother living with us. More kids would drive me 'round the bend.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

We have children with a large space between them. It was the logical choice for us. DD was born when DH was 16 and I was 13 (and not in the picture). We didn't feel financially, or emotionally/psychologically ready for another child until DD was much older.


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