# It hurts so much



## mommy_mini (Jun 16, 2008)

I don't even know how or where to begin. All I know is that it hurts to cry anymore, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to think and function. I feel so lost. Our sweet little boy was stillborn a week ago (Oct. 26th). I was 33 weeks along in the pregnancy. We went into the hospital on Thursday (25th) because I was having lots of contractions. 30 minutes later in the hosiptal they told me there was no heartbeat. Everything has been such a blurr since then. I feel like I haven't stopped crying or spacing out since then. They gave me pitocin at 10:00 on Friday morning and I had sweet little Blaise at 9:00 that night. I did the whole thing unmedicated, I was determined to do it the way I had planned all along. It was the hardest thing in the world going through all that pain knowing what the end result would be. I was a vbac so I just wanted to at least know my body could give birth the way it was meant to. Blaise looked perfect, he was small, but perfect. He looked just like my 16 mos. DD when she was born. I just don't understand and my heart feels like it has been ripped apart. We burried him Friday, I kept thinking the whole time that I should be covering him with a soft cozy blanket in his crib, not putting him in the cold hard ground and covering him with dirt. How will my life ever be the same? I don't know how I'm going to take care of my DD after this, I feel like I can't even do anything for myself. I have tons of support right now, but what about in a few days when we go back to our same routine? How do I go back on a routine that I was on when I was pregnant? It will hurt too much. Sometimes I'm ok when I'm just lying around talking to people, but I lose it and can't function when I have to get up and do stuff. I kept trying to make lunch for DD today and all I could do was break down and cry, I couldn't figure out what to feed her and it upset me do badly.

I'm sorry to go on and on. I just need somewhere to let it all out, somewhere where others will understand what I'm going through. I tend to keep everything bottled up with other people who aren't in my situation. I'm sorry for all the moms on here who have lost their sweet babies. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I have no clue how to get through it. Thank you for reading all this if you made it this far.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I'm so sorry!!


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## shibababy (Feb 27, 2003)

I'm sorry, feel free to PM me. I gave birth to my 23 weeker on 10/4/08. He was born breathing, but the medical professionals would not due anything to preserve his life due to his size/age.

I am allowing myself to feel however I choose to at any given moment. I make no excuses nor apologies. I have two other children, adopted, and have also had 2 other losses. I know how hard it is to take care of your other children while grieving. Just do as much as you can and everyone will get through this okay.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so sorry momma. We lost our baby boy 9/9/08 - it's so hard to be here without my baby, I miss him so much! I know what you're going through.. it's not fun, and it's not a clubI ever wanted to join.. I just hope that we can find the courage to go on - our babies would want that for us!


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your family.

Our second son was born on August 15th and died on August 16th. It was not expected, he was perfect and we believe it was a medical mistake that caused his death.

I totally understand your feelings. We had a lot of support through this and it helped a lot in taking care of our 4 year old. He missed his brother so much and still talks about him a lot.

We found a counselor pretty quickly to talk to about how to help our son - he had so many questions and talking to the counselor assured us that we were doing the right things for him.

For the first two weeks our son spent a lot of time at his grandparent's house. Somehow we just found a way to pull ourselves together enough to care for our son. He knew we were sad, we'd tell him when we were and he hated to see us cry (he'd give us hugs when we did and he'd cry, too).

Having to care for him while grieving our loss is probably the hardest part of it all. One day I watched my son playing and decided he would remember this time in his life, he would remember our sadness and grief, but he would remember healthy grief - I didn't want him to remember me being overwhelmed with grief and unable to function. I feel that way a lot but I don't want him to see that part of it. So, taking my grief and filing it away until I can have some time to deal with it, cry, scream, etc. has helped me to find my joy at having him around, being able to play with him, take care of him, support him, etc. I've also given myself permission to have a good time and enjoy playing. Not always and many times I'm just faking it until I make it but it has worked for me.

My DH and I talk a lot when we have the time together. That helps a lot, too. I don't really talk about it with others - they just don't understand.

You will find your way. I have dear friends who lost their son when he was 26 years old. They've had a lot of great advice and the best was when he called just to tell us "you'll get through this, you'll make it." That was all he called for - just to tell us that. It helped a lot and it is advice I'd pass along. If you are honest with your grief, feel it, wrestle with it, cry a lot, be patient with yourself, take care of yourself and remind yourself that you will get through this. You'll never be your old self but you will get through it.

I hate it. I hate being "that couple" around others. I feel like people look at us and don't want our luck or they're afraid it may rub off on them. It totally sucks! But, we are finding our way and somehow we've learned to walk again with the type of grief that is physically heavy and causes true physical pain.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I will be thinking of all of the posters on here who have lost their babes - you are in my prayers.


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.







Be kind to yourself and grieve as long as you need to. You will never forget your son. He will always be with you. You said you are having difficulties sometimes taking care of your dd, don't be afraid to ask for help from others. I didn't have a lot of support locally (lots here at mdc though). I posted a LOT and it helped me. Also, when my dd was stillborn the doctor offered me a prescription "just in case". I filled that prescription even though I'm not big on medication. And there was a day that I felt I needed them and I was glad to have them.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sucks, plain and simple. I remember that first little bit, my kids were all off with other people while my second DD stayed with us. People would come to our house. We couldn't function beyond waking up. Life does seem to fall into a pattern after awhile. Things become a new normal. TRy and have people come help on the bad days. It takes alot for us to do, but, it's very nice once all is said and done. Make sure you have a good support system. I have many links that I can share with you if you are interested!


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## chopstickgirl (Oct 5, 2004)

i am so very sorry. pm me if you ever need to talk or anything. *hugs*


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

I'm so sorry that your sweet baby Blaise died. It is so wrong and so unfair. Many hugs to you.


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## mamasgirls (Sep 8, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I am very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son.


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## mommy_mini (Jun 16, 2008)

Thank you so much for all your posts, prayers, and support. I have been thinking and thinking about what else to write on here, but I'm so lost. It feels like I'm always at a loss for words. My brain just doesn't seem to function right anymore. I'm sure it's part of the whole process I need to work through. And being on here helps, hearing other stories from women who have gone through what I'm going through helps me to not feel so alone and isolated. If this post isn't making sense (I'm sure I'm rambling) I just wanted to say thank you. I will try to come on more often and stay connected I think that will help. And I'm so sorry to all the other women who have to be on this board, it's so unfair. But know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers as well.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

((((mommy mini))))
I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet boy Blaise.
Please know that you are not ever alone here at MDC.
I am glad to hear you have good support in your life -
ask for all the help that you need.
Your life will never be the same again and the
grief journey is long and hard . . . .
but little by little you will learn to live with it.

Em


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## MotherMama (Mar 31, 2008)

I am so sorry.


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