# Devestated...first loss



## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

Last night after work I came home and jumped online for a little while. DD was already in bed and DH was watching some TV. Before I got my pj's on, I went to the bathroom first. I noticed some darkish blood on my underwear. It looked dark brownish.

I said "oh no," and called DH in. I wiped, and there was a lot of mucousy pinkish/brownish and some redish on the toilet paper. It was different then the past spotting episodes in which they had all seemed more brownish.

All last night..every time I peed there was brown spotting...including this morning (although very light).

I had a US scheduled for tomorrow morning, but I called and they were able to move it up to today at 11am.

We got to the doctors office, and there was a family back by the back window, and the little boy was holding an ultrasound picture. The parents were taking a picture of the little boy..maybe about 2, holding the picture. It was precious. They walked out and the mom looked to be maybe 7 or 8 months pregnant. I hoped in my head that we would be able to do the exact same thing at the end of the appointment.

I knew something wasn't right after the tech had been doing the ultrasound for a few minutes. No heartbeat. No movement. Nothing. She was silent. Not like last time. Last time she found the heartbeat immediately and specifically said, "there's the heartbeat!" This time...silence. She measured the gestational sac and it didn't really look like there was anything in there. It looked empty. Very very empty. There was one screen shot where it seemed like she was checking for possible blood...because it looked as though there was a lot of blood where the top of my cervix would be. I hadn't seen that screen shot last time.

When she was done I knew....I really knew..and sobbed. Sobbed harder than I think I ever have. It was gut wrenching. I didn't have to wait very long for the doctor to come in. I already knew what he was going to say. I cried the entire time. I couldn't even face the doctor when he came in the room. He came in and asked me again when my LMP was and when I got a BFP and all of those silly little questions that I've already told them over and over.

He told me there wasn't a heartbeat. He told me the baby was measuring the same that he/she had at the last US. The baby was measuring about 6 weeks....and I was supposed to be 8.5.

I cried the whole time the doctor was in there. He said the obligitory "it's not your faults" and "this happens very commonly in about 1 out of every 5 pregnancies..." and "I would think that next time things would be different..." and all of that.

He mentioned that I could have a procedure and have them take care of things or I could do them on my own. I chose to do them on my own. I am praying that it doesn't take long. I have already started cramping some today. This morning I chalked it up to gas pains but I can tell things feel different down there right now. They feel heavy. Not right.

In all actuality..the doctor was really as good as he could possibly be in that situation.

While walking out, I was still crying and I was trying not to have everyone stare at me but they were. I just walked as fast as I absolutely could to get the hell out of that place.

We got in the car and I was just numb. Didn't cry. Didn't really talk. Just looked out the window. When I got home, my mom had called me back and I didn't answer so then I returned her call and told her that the baby had died and she said very loudly, "WHAT!?!?..WHAT!??!?!" I SCREAMED at her to not yell at me and practically threw the phone at DH. Then I heard DH say "she lost the baby" and I SCREAMED at him that I DID NOT ***ing LOSE THE BABY..THE BABY DIED!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I locked myself in the bathroom and took a bath for probably about 2.5 hours.

I laid in there silently for a while. Then gut wrenching sobs. Then emotionless. I listened to my voice mail from my sister, and felt that I immediately wanted to talk to her. She was crying too...and so helpful...so so helpful...much more helpful than I think anyone else in my life could possibly be right now. I talked to her for over an hour. I cried a lot. And we just talked.

Then DD crawled in the tub and asked to nurse. I of course let her, and it was wonderfully calming. After a while, the water was cold and all the hot water was gone so we got out and ate some chicken soup.

Right now John is at the grocery store. I needed to get all of this out because I would really love to get some kind of memory box and put all the pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, ultrasound pictures, etc, inside the memory box to always remember that this baby mattered. It wasn't a blob of cells to me. His/her heart was beating inside of me, for however long. My body was doing all it could...but something was just wrong.

It's odd to me...but I"m not really "blaming" myself. Normally I really would...and I would criticize myself and be even more miserable....but I truly do feel that I did everything I could. I don't think I could have possibly done any more. Even if I would have continued the blood tests, they would have shown that something was wrong..and maybe I would have known two weeks ago, but I would still be right here...waiting for things to naturally take place....and that would have been two more weeks of pain and agony and emotional trauma.

I know eventually I'll be okay..but right now I am grieving..and that is about the only way I can describe it. I am really glad to have a place where I can grieve with others who know what I'm going through.


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

oh, mama, i am so so sorry. be gentle with yourself and know that this is a very healing place in this forum. thank you for sharing your story.


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

oh mama. It's hard. It's so hard. It's not fair. And as the doctor said, it really isn't our fault. I just experienced my second miscarriage. A lot of things are going to tick you off, like when DH said you lost the baby...that is just how people normally describe a miscarriage, he wasn't trying to upset you with those words. Random things like that will get you upset, it's normal. Anything is normal, just allow yourself to feel it how you need to. You will find that it's an emotional rollercoaster, especially in the first few weeks...all I can do is say I'm sorry...been there...I'm there right now...it's just feels awful...hugs to you.


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## Jazzmin (Jun 29, 2006)

I am so sorry, Tara.


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## Sihaya (Jul 3, 2006)

Tara. I'm so very sorry.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Oh Tara. I'm glad you're not blaming yourself, there's nothing any of us can do past taking care of ourselves when pregnant, especially so early. We knew that our baby was going to miscarry about 6 weeks in and it took until 10 weeks for it to do so naturally (I didn't have any bleeding, we just simply didn't see a heartbeat when we should have, and continued to not see anything over a few more weeks of blood tests and u/s).

Take comfort with your little one who is here. Do whatever you need to, to remember this little one. I have our bitty ultrasound and pregnancy test and even the jumper I bought the moment I knew I was pregnant with the little one we lost (and a lot of other mementos of Fiona of course, her nursery is still set up ready for her, I just can't pack things away.).








I'm sorry Mama.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I'm so sorry. My heart just breaks for you!


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I already read this in the DDC but I wanted to let you know that I am here too and I so very sorry hon








Please read through the what to expect with a m/c thread when you are ready. It helped me tremendously when I realized that I was going to miscarry and I could feel the strength of all of those women with me during mine.
Take as many of those 2hr baths as you need to and cry your eyes out as much as want. We'll be here when you need to talk


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)




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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

((Tara)) I'm so sorry.


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## Blanca78 (Jul 26, 2009)

I'm so sorry--you really described so much of what I went through at my 8 weeks ultrasound in December, although mine was a molar pregnancy. The crying, the people staring, the kind doctor, the call from my mom. I'm so, so sorry. I don't say this to at all minimize your loss, but just speaking from my experience: it will get easier to process. I'm glad you have your daughter to turn to.


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## jenniferadurham (Apr 6, 2008)




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## babsbob (Nov 17, 2005)

Tara,

I was with you in the DDC and now I'm joining you here. I had an u/s yesterday because I was spotting - same thing. I was supposed to be 11 weeks and the baby measured 7 weeks 1 day. It was truly horrible to see the little baby not moving and with no heartbeat. I don't think I will ever get that image out of my head.

It seems so horrible to try to go about my day while waiting to have a miscarriage. I am right there with you. I feel so betrayed by my body - thinking it's pregnant these past four weeks. I didn't have any feeling that something might be wrong until just a few days ago.

I am so sorry you are going through this and me and everyone else. This is the first time for me too.
Please let me know how you are doing.


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## HappilyEvrAfter (Apr 1, 2009)

Oh, mama. I couldn't read and not leave (((((((((((hugs)))))))))).

Def get a memory box aor some special ceremony. You're right that was not some blob of unknown cells; it was your child.

I keep my little one in memory by knowing that someday when I go to my beyond that we'll meet. His/her passing was a finality; just a short delay in our meeting. I believe we'll all be together again.
I'm not sure what you believe, but this brings me comfort.

It's good you're not blaming yourself, so many women do.
The best way to help your heart heal is to embrace your grieving and let your heart catch up.

(((((peace and hugs)))))


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts, prayers, hugs, and kind words. I, too, am so sorry for all of your losses.









I started miscarrying yesterday.

I go through phases of "being okay" to phases of crying my eyes out.

I was able to go for a walk yesterday with my friend. It was the first nice day out, and I wanted DD to get outside. I also thought the sun and fresh air would make me feel a little better. My friend had just gone through two miscarriages in a row (she would have been due about 2 weeks before me). We talked a lot...and cried....and laughed...and played with our kids. It was a beautiful day.

Last night I took a bath for a long long time. I sang to my baby, rubbed my belly, and told him how much he was loved and wanted. I think I even named him. DH and I had loved the name Sawyer James, but DH's cousin had used that name. The name "James" came to me in the bathtub and I just need to talk to DH about it. It just seems like it fits.

My friend sent me flowers yesterday, which was so sweet. They are starting to bloom, and that makes me smile.

***
babsbob~

I am so so so deeply sorry for your loss. It hurts to know that yet another mama has to experience this kind of pain. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I found that last night in the bathtub..it was the first time I started getting really ANGRY. I was so MAD that this had happened...mad at my body for not working right. I just got so mad I wanted to break things.

I want to go and get a beautiful box today. I want to put the pregnancy test pictures in the box, and the tests themselves, and the ovulation tests I took, and my chart from charting, and belly pictures. And I want to write out my whole story and put it in the box and treasure it forever, because this is such an important, albeit devastating, event in my life.

How are you doing? How is your DH doing? Have you told a lot of people? Did you tell a lot of people that you were pregnant?

I told everyone.....everyone in my life knew....and now I'm not so sure I'll do that next time. I don't know what I'll feel at the time, but the thought of telling everyone that I had a miscarriage is just awful. Thankfully DH has been telling people for me, and I really only had to tell a few people. Telling people is what breaks me into hysterical sobs all over again.








Again I am so so deeply sorry that you are going through this very thing. It just hurts so so much.


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## ginsengmom (Jan 4, 2010)

arms around u.....

there are no easy answers......

this grieving process is natural and will continue until.....
don't be hard on yourself. it seems as if you have a very loving and wonderful family. and they will continue to be with you throughout. that is truly the blessing of having people who love u unconditionally.

arms around u....


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## mangosink0 (Aug 8, 2006)

I am in tears as I read your post. I am so sorry for your loss. I have had 2 m/c's and know how very painful it is. I'm actually praying I'm not in the midst of another one. I am so glad you found some support in your sister. Thinking about you.

Hollie


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## Shellie (Dec 29, 2003)

I'm so sorry.







I've been there too, as so many of us have...and it's a difficult path but you're right, you will be OK again. I think the memory box is a lovely idea.


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## Ms. B. Sprout (Nov 30, 2006)

Sweet mama, I'm so sorry.


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## babsbob (Nov 17, 2005)

Tara,
How are you doing today? Have you had much pain?
I went to acupuncture yesterday and got some chinese herbs that helped get things started but it still is pretty slow right.
We had told our families and close friends. My husband told his coworkers for some reason. But we have told everyone the bad news already. It's hard but at least people are really nice to you afterwards which they wouldn't have been if you never told anyone.
DH took it pretty hard but is being really nice and supportive. He took the day off today to be with me.

My thoughts are with you. I am really grateful to be able to talk to someone going through the same thing at the same time. Thank you Tara.


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

babsbob~

I am having a pretty rough day...yesterday was rough too, probably more so. I pretty much cried all day. Today hasn't been so much crying, but the pain is really starting to increase. DH put a wash rag in some hot water and in a plastic bag so I could use it as a heating pad. He also poured me two glasses of wine because I am really trying to avoid using medication (not sure what is worse..medication or wine...). I felt like a natural non medicated delivery is something I can handle...as that is what I had with DD and I was planning a homebirth for this baby....but this time....it's so very uncomfortable and painful....and the result is most certainly not the same...

I really hope that you don't experience the pain. I thought I was out of the clear because I had been bleeding for a few days but didn't have any pain. Well....today there has definitely been pain. The hot compress and the wine really really helped though. I don't feel much of any pain right now.

My grandma and aunt are coming to take DD for the day. Maybe she'll even stay over night there..I"m not sure. DH ended up calling in again today for me. I tried to be strong..but I was in so much pain that he really didn't want to leave me alone. He is going to go to work tomorrow and I think my mom is going to come up and just be with me so I'm not alone. I would be fine if the pain wasn't so bad.

We told pretty much everyone now. I had posted a big "I'm pregnant" announcement on facebook....and then yesterday I posted a poem about miscarriage and a song (Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne). Everyone got the idea and have been really supportive. I felt that since I announced how excited I was to be pregnant..I shouldn't just "ignore" the fact that my baby has died. My baby mattered....his heart beat inside of my body, and I carried him for almost 9 weeks...even though he died around week 6. His life mattered to me, so I wasn't going to just brush it under the rug for fear of making people uncomfortable.

I'm a waitress...and I took this week off. I'm going to take next week off too and try to go back in two weeks. I don't really feel like running around trying to be happy when I'm still bleeding..you know?

I took some herbs for a day or two as well. Blue/black cohosh. I think they may have helped things begin a little faster..although at first they were quite slow. They are just now picking up.

In a way I am kind of hoping that I see the baby.....so that I can hold him one last time and talk to him and maybe sing him a song. I really am not sure if I can bare the thought of him just...like...falling into the toilet or something and going unnoticed...because he was absolutely not unnoticed in my life....he will always be my baby....no matter how long his heart beat or not.

My heart hurts..but listening to songs seems to help me some. My favorites right now are Glory Baby by Watermark....One day you will by Lady Antebellum, Held by Natalie Grant, and Slipped Away by Avril....maybe those sounds will help you as well.

I'm grateful to be able to come here and talk about these things too..especially with someone going through it at the same time....even though my heart breaks for you as well. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to go through so far....(my blotchy eyes can atest to this) and I would never ever wish this on anyone. DH told me that he hopes to god that he doesn't outlive DD because he just couldn't take it. I can't even think of that right now...

I definitely have periods of being "okay"...and then the rest of the day might be miserable. I'm assuming you are kind of going through the same thing?

Do you work? If so did you take off sometime to be at home? How is your DH acting? My DH says he has never felt more helpless in his life and he doesn't even know what he can do to make me feel better. He has been so helpful with DD...and with taking care of me. I am so blessed.

Do you have other children? I'm sorry..I'm a little foggy so if you told me before please don't take offense that I am not remembering (again I've had 2 large glasses of wine).

Anyway....I'm thinking of you..and my heart goes out to you. God bless your sweet sweet baby..in a way it makes me smile to think that they are up in heaven playing together or something....smiling down upon their mamas.....

*big big







s*


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

oh gosh you just made me cry... "Held" by Natalie Grant...that helped me so much when I was grieving for my first baby







Hugs to everyone in the midst of grief right now


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." --Washington Irving

*sigh*

lovebeingamomma.....


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

way to make me tear up again, lol.

Today I'm going to count my blessings, one by one...I want to smile more than cry today. I pray for a good day for all you ladies too.


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

I'm feeling that way too mama....

I would just like to smile a little bit more today.







s


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## babsbob (Nov 17, 2005)

I feel the same way about the toilet. It seems so awful that I can't even think about it.
I kind of don't know what to expect. It's kinda slow right now but I'm having painful period-like cramps and it feels really heavy down below. DH is helping a lot with the kids - I have a 3 and almost 5 year old - and he composed a sad but beautiful song for the baby on the piano yesterday. I cry when I hear it. I will have to look up those other songs you mentioned.

Luckily I am not working right now and my mom lives nearby to help me. I don't know how long I will feel bad.

I can't really think of anything helpful or inspiring to say. I just feel numb.


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## lawmama1984 (Mar 17, 2009)

Tara,

I just PMmed you and then I stumbled on this thread. I wanted to send you big virtual







and let you know that you are on my mind right now.

My heart is breaking for you, and you as well babsbob. I know the pain is great, and I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

When I mc'd I put a colander in the toilet so that if anything came out it would be caught.


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

babsbob~ I am so glad your DH is being so helpful as well. And that is truly incredibly thoughtful for him to compose a song for your sweet sweet baby. That really made me smile as sad as it is. I definitely understand your numb feeling. I'm not sure when it will go away....









lawmama1984~







It means so much to me that you thought to check in on me. In fact I was thinking about you today as well!! I was even going to send you a PM! How ironic!







Having you contact me again definitely made me smile today!









KristaDJ~ I have done the same thing with the colander....although I have only really "caught" one very large blood clot along with a tiny bit of tissue. I am wondering when "the rest" of the tissue and clots will come out because now today it seems like everything is lightening up.
***

AFM:

Well...today was interesting.

My aunt and grandma took DD over night last night, so she was there all day today as well. Around noon I decided I should shower. I got in the shower, and asked DH if he could get me a wash cloth. Then I asked him if he could make sure it was a dark one. At the time..I really did not feel like staring at my blood all over the wash cloth.

Anyway, I wiped, and looked at the rag, and I saw a very white "something".

I held "it" for a while, and just looked..and looked and looked. Then I jumped out of the shower and put my glasses on and looked...and called DH in. He thought maybe it was a fuzzy.....I told him to get a plastic bag. I gently put "it" on my finger and then into the bag. I knew after I held "it" that it wasn't a fuzzy... We held it up to the light.....and realized for sure...that "it" was our precious little baby.

*sigh*

I cried. No...sobbed. There was nothing else it could be. It looked like every single picture I had ever seen of an embryo at that state. In fact I do have pictures....and eventually I am going to upload them.

DH had to go to work, and felt terrible leaving me, but I needed to be alone with my baby. He left, and I lit a candle in the bathroom, and sat on the floor, and told him over and over how much I loved him and how sorry I am that he couldn't stay. As grief stricken as I was, I felt so much love I thought I might burst. It was a beautiful moment...and I can't help but think that this was meant to happen just the way it did. I kept hoping and praying that I would see my baby. I wanted to. I needed to, I wanted to say goodbye...

Today is the first day of Spring....and today my precious angel baby was born, and I was lucky enough to have gotten to hold him after all. I feel so incredibly blessed.


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## babsbob (Nov 17, 2005)

Tara,
I'm so glad you got to see your baby and have that beautiful moment and some closure. And I'm so glad it didn't happen while you were on the toilet. How are you feeling today?

I haven't seen anything yet. I finally started bleeding heavier yesterday and last night I had some labor like contractions for about an hour and then they went away. I wonder what today will bring. I think I'm going from numb to cranky.


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## lawmama1984 (Mar 17, 2009)

Tara,

I am so glad you got to see and hold your beautiful baby and have that special alone time with him.

I am still thinking of you and your DH. I know he hates leaving you alone right now...how is he doing otherwise? I hope you don't mind that I told my DH about this (I told him about you when we first became friends on here and we both shared excitement when you got your BFP), and he is also very sad







We are both keeping you and your whole family in our thoughts right now.


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

babsbob~ I'm so glad that I got to see him as well. I hope you are able to hold your baby if that is something you really wish for.







Are you cramping today at all? I really only cramped pretty hard for a few hours two days ago, and since then the cramping has pretty much not been that bad.

lawmama1984~ Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts with your family. It means so much to me that you have remembered me all this time as i have remembered you!!

DH is doing "okay". He had to come home from work on Wednesday because he just couldn't handle the fact that everyone else's lives were going on, and our dream had just been shattered. He has teared up a couple times, but he doesn't really cry (I haven't really ever seen him cry). But I know he feels pain. He has been unbelievably supportive to me...even more so than I ever thought he would be. I am so lucky to have him as my husband. I don't think I tell him that enough.

I have felt a lot better since I saw the baby yesterday. I want to get a beautiful plant and bury him right there so that he can always watch over us. I feel that after seeing the baby, my healing has really started to progress a bit. Of course I'm still horribly devastated..but I think for me, I really needed that closure of spending some time holding him.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I am so glad you got to hold your baby.


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

Physically...I cramped a bit today. I ended up losing some more of the chorionic villi from yesterday. I saved them both to bury with the baby as soon as we can get some kind of tree to buy him in. I'm bleeding a bit heavier today as well. Wondering when it will all stop. Wine seems to help the cramping, as well as the baths. I've been reading some miscarriage books, but not too much. Today I feel so tired. I just want to sleep.

DH took my DD an hour away to visit his parents. DH's step dad just lost his mom, and he thought it would be nice to go up and visit. I had even considered going along, but then the cramping started and I felt like I should stay home and be by myself for a bit.

I'm going to go and put some pictures online and get them developed. I also want to print some (I have a photo printer) and I want to put them in the box I bought for all the baby things.

When the baby came out, he was on a wash rag which is how I noticed he was what he was. I want to put that wash rag in the box, as well as one of the precious organic cotton onesies that I had bought for him (the only thing I really bought while pregnant specifically for him) inside the box as well. And as weird as it is, I want to frame a picture I have of him (very close up since he was so so super tiny) and put it in my bedroom. I know it might seem weird for people, and some people wouldn't want a constant reminder of their miscarriage, but to me, having a picture will remind me that his life mattered even though it was cut drastically short. I was able to hold him in my hand for a short time, and I will be able to bury him, and he will be able to watch over all of us always.

Those thoughts make me feel better. I have a long way to go (not sure there even is an "end") but for now, I'm feeling a little better.

Also, my friend mentioned to me something the other day. (I had been going back and forth and back and forth on if I wanted an unassisted birth) Well...she said something along the lines of, "congratulations on your UC!" I smiled at that..because it's true. I had a UC in a way....even though I gave birth to the death of my baby and the baby was so so very tiny. I am so absolutely grateful I was able to naturally miscarry on my own...and it sounds so weird to me to say that.

*sigh*

I am just so grateful to have a place like this to come to. It has helped so incredibly much.


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

I feel like I had been doing "fine" for a few days. Then today I called one of the doctors that I had seen (the one who told me I would miscarry) and wanted to ask him when I could get a thyroid test done. The receptionist was so in a hurry...like I was just one more damn phone she had to answer. I asked if I could speak to that doctors nurse, and she said she'd take a message. Then she asked how far along I was in the pregnancy.

I blinked.

Then I said very firmly that I just had a miscarriage. Her entire demeanor towards me changed. I'm sure she felt stupid by her tone of voice with me and how she arrogantly asked me how far along I am (like I'm sure she does hundreds of times a day). Well I'm glad. I hope I did knock the breath out of her for a second or two. Ugh.

After, I just cried. Cried because I SHOULD be 9 weeks. Cried because I SHOULD be hearing my baby's heart on the doppler. Should is the key word though...







It's just not fair...


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Sometimes it just hits like that, the should be's....... those are hard days but things will get better over all and they will happen less often and less easily. Its so, so hard at first though. I am sorry that she was being impatient, it tough to be treated like that when you feel like you need everyone to be so gentle with you. I think you did good not to go off on her, for me those feelings can explode out like a bomb at the slightest touch.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Some people think I'm freaky because I have photos of Fiona. Who cares what others think, its what is important to you that matters.


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