# Do you let your preteens hang out with friends behind closed doors?



## darien (Nov 15, 2005)

Last week, my 10 yo ds had an 11 yo male friend and a (new) 10 yo female friend over. They went up in his room and shut the door. Ds and his friends tend to do this, but he hasn't had a female friend over (except for parties) in years.

It occurred to me after a while that her mom (whom I don't know well yet) might take exception to her "little girl" being in a closed bedroom with 2 boys.

I wasn't exactly worried-- neither of the boys have shown any interest in girls (or boys, as far as I know!), and I assume the girl isn't going to suggest "playing doctor."

I listened as I walked by-- they were playing Legos.









Both friends will be over again this week. Should I do anything? My gut says no, but my mom's ghost says, "Girls don't even belong in his bedroom!"


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Door cracked when there are mixed genders. Door cracked when same genders. I'm not sexist! I've caught dd and her girlfriends being pretty goofy - flashing cars on the street below







Don't worry, the lights were out and I doubt anyone saw them. At some point, she will push to have the door closed. I'll be flexible with that for as long as she knows I that when I knock that's my warning I'm coming in and to yell if there's clothes changing going on. Otherwise, don't be doing anything that would cause trouble.


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## lunabelly (Jan 4, 2007)

I think it's great that your son has a girl over to play. My dd would never invite a boy over. I don't really have any advice, just







:

Well, now that I think about it some more . . . I know that my daughter wouldn't be interested in 'playing doctor' with a boy, but I'd still keep the door open if I didn't know the boy very well. I imagine the situation is the same with a girl you don't know.

I'd probably just have a conversation with my dd about it before her friends came over.


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## PajamaMama (Dec 18, 2004)

My dd (almost 12) has a good friend come over regularly (he's 11) I let them close the door because otherwise my 3 year old would be in there messing up their pokemon or yu-gi-oh cards









It never occurred to me that maybe I ought to make them keep the door open.

What are you afraid of? So what if they are kissing or something in there? At this age I don't think they're going to be GIO in her room with me 10 feet away in my office but really, I'm not sure I think it's a bad thing if they want to hold hands or kiss or something like that. Not that I think either of them is interested...but I was at 12!


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Doors cracked both situations because if they think you can hear they are less likely to do something stupid. We have been invovled in a playing doctor situation that got nasty.


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## darien (Nov 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PajamaMama* 
What are you afraid of? So what if they are kissing or something in there? At this age I don't think they're going to be GIO in her room with me 10 feet away in my office but really, I'm not sure I think it's a bad thing if they want to hold hands or kiss or something like that. Not that I think either of them is interested...but I was at 12!

I'm not actually afraid of anything; I was just wondering if there was some "rule" about this that I didn't get the memo on.









Honestly, I have no problem with consensual experimentation-- especially since they're too young for pregnancy or STDs (I think!).







:


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Doors cracked both situations because if they think you can hear they are less likely to do something stupid. We have been invovled in a playing doctor situation that got nasty.

This sounds really interesting.

Oh - I didn't respond to the original poster's question because my teenage daughters actually never had a boy behind closed doors. (That I was aware of. Maybe they did when I wasn't home (?) It was always girlfriends that they'd shut the door with, and I didn't think about it much.)


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

We have an "open door" policy. So far our sons haven't invited any girls over (my boys are 12), but I think it's important to set a precident, so when they have friends over, they leave the door open.

We also have a rule that the boys are NOT to lock their doors. We always respect their privacy and knock before entering (and expect them to do the same), so it hasn't been an issue. In fact, it's been so long since either of them has locked a bedroom door, I'm not sure they realize that there ARE locks!


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

DDs, ages 11 and 8.

Doors closed. We have a small house (850 sq feet) and there is little enough privacy as it is. My kids have never done anything to make me not trust them.

My youngest still has sleep overs with her male cousin (and probably always will, he's a great kid). My oldest has one boy in her class in particular that she and her friends have gotten close to, and sometimes he comes over to play. I know there is a little flirting going on, especially right when he comes over; but then their inner little kids come out, and the next thing I know they are outside in the treehouse, dressed up and playing pirates with her little sister and his little brother (the two of them come over as a pair, usually).

Frankly, nothing can happen in this house, even with doors closed, that can't be heard in the common rooms of the house. If we had a huge house that had a lot of physical separation, or if my daughters had previously engaged in some activities that made me question their judgment, I might feel differently.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

So when do you change the rules? When is it no longer okay? How do you explain to them that you no longer trust them?

I think it's a bad precedent to start. 'Cause in a few years - you're going to want that door open.


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

My DS doesnt really have anyone over usually, but w/ him I'd probably have the door open a crack, only because he has some behavior problems and I have no idea what he'd do (with another boy or a girl - not sexual just... when mom's not looking lets do something we shouldn't...behavior) If my son didnt have his particular issues (the school classified him "emotionally disabled" before I pulled him out to HS) and if I trusted him a bit more to act rationally, I would let them shut the door.

Our house has a no locked doors policy as well, even bathrooms. First, because knocking is a sign of respect and I teach my kids (and my DH!) that they should always knock before entering a room. Secondly, because of heaven forbid someone got hurt etc, I don't want to have break the door down. I didn't even notice when we moved into a house where the bathroom doors don't lock, but I went away for a week and my parents stayed at the house, and my dad replaced them w/ lockable knobs on both the bathroom doors without asking







:


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I have no problem with my kids closing the door with female friends over- but again I have a tiny house, the girls share a bedroom, and even if I'm "at the other end of the house" I can still hear what goes on. I need to let them close the door, as they like to "play dress up" and try on each other's clothes.

For a boy coming over I think I'd insist on the door staying open, or at least unlocked. It hasn't happened yet. FWIW, I'm much more concerned about what could happen with 2 kids alone than with a group of 3 or more.


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
So when do you change the rules? When is it no longer okay? How do you explain to them that you no longer trust them?


Sure. Why not have the expectation that you have this privilege of a closed door with friends over if you continue to exhibit trustworthy behaviors and good judgment? That if you don't, you lose the trust and therefore the closed door? Gasp! They might learn that actions have consequences! Oh dear. I might have to have a confrontation with them and tell them that I no longer trust them with a closed door, and they are going to have to leave their doors open until I and my husband feel we can trust them again? That I might have to be a parent and make a tough decision that my child might not like? I'm up to it.

Actually, my oldest daughter has lost her closed door policy before, but not because of poor behavior regarding her and her friends. Once it was because when she was maybe 9 or so she got into this habit of stomping into her room and slamming the door when she was mad. When she couldn't remember not to do this despite multiple warnings, redirections, conversations regarding alternatives to slamming doors, we simply took her door off of it's hinges and stored it in the basement until she was able to show us she had learned better ways of dealing with her anger. Another issue has been when she cleans her room. Because if she leaves the door closed, she sometimes takes days longer to clean. So if she just needs to tidy up, door closed, no problem. If she's let her room get messy in a major way, she has a certain time limit that the door can stay closed while she is cleaning--then it is open. DD #2 once *almost* lost her bedroom door because she, too, started the slamming thing last year. It took one time of reminding her that "a closed door is a privilege, remember when L lost her door for two weeks?" to help her remember to not slam it. They are well aware that a closed door is a privilege, we've had this conversation many times.

Yet another issue is music. We are a music loving family. They each have a stereo in their rooms. We have a computer with itunes out here in the kitchen. If I'm listening to the radio, dd#1 is listening to Phantom of the Opera (gag), and dd#2 is listening to some latin punk rock, it gets to be too much. If I'm playing the piano (poorly, as always), dd #1 is practicing violin, and dd#2 is practicing banjo, it's difficult to do without the doors closed. We do have music that we play together, but we also all have stuff that we play and practice independently. Whenever dd#1 has friends over, most of them bring their instruments, because almost all of them are in orchestra together. I can only hear "Fiddles on Fire" so many times before I want to door closed to muffle it to a more tolerable level.

I mean, do you realize how small an 850 sq foot, three bedroom house is? Gets smaller if you have no closed doors sometimes.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lorijds* 
Sure. Why not have the expectation that you have this privilege of a closed door with friends over if you continue to exhibit trustworthy behaviors and good judgment? That if you don't, you lose the trust and therefore the closed door? Gasp! They might learn that actions have consequences! Oh dear. I might have to have a confrontation with them and tell them that I no longer trust them with a closed door, and they are going to have to leave their doors open until I and my husband feel we can trust them again? That I might have to be a parent and make a tough decision that my child might not like? I'm up to it.

This is good. But when do we reach that point? When the girlchild ends up pregnant? A little late, IMO.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lorijds* 
Yet another issue is music. We are a music loving family. They each have a stereo in their rooms. We have a computer with itunes out here in the kitchen. If I'm listening to the radio, dd#1 is listening to Phantom of the Opera (gag), and dd#2 is listening to some latin punk rock, it gets to be too much. If I'm playing the piano (poorly, as always), dd #1 is practicing violin, and dd#2 is practicing banjo, it's difficult to do without the doors closed. We do have music that we play together, but we also all have stuff that we play and practice independently. Whenever dd#1 has friends over, most of them bring their instruments, because almost all of them are in orchestra together. I can only hear "Fiddles on Fire" so many times before I want to door closed to muffle it to a more tolerable level.

But this is a different situation - you can obviously hear them playing, so nothing else is going on.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lorijds* 
I mean, do you realize how small an 850 sq foot, three bedroom house is? Gets smaller if you have no closed doors sometimes.

Actually, I do. Try 800 SF.

However, I no longer live in 800 SF. Nor are my teens allowed to have opposite gender friends in their bedrooms w/doors closed. IMO - it's asking for trouble. They don't have their same-gender friends in their rooms for the most part, either, anymore. They're all in the main part of the house when they're here.


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

My kids have never seemed to want the doors to their rooms closed







I can't recall a time when I found them behind closed doors with a friend when they were smaller. As they've gotten bigger and started bringing members of the opposite sex over (friends or more-than-friends) they are all aware that their bedroom doors must remain open if they're in there. If I find the door closed I open it with no knock or anything. They all respect this rule and haven't argued about it at all.

I do realize it is impossible to police this rule when I am not home, but that's one battle I choose not to fight. I'd rather they fooled around at home if they're going to, and if I am away overnight or something I don't even broach the subject with my 17 year old son about having his girlfriend over.


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## Amber Lion (Sep 22, 2006)

What makes you think that having the door open is going to stop your teen/pre-teen from having sex if they want to? They certainly won't be having it in their bedroom... but they'll find away.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amber Lion* 
What makes you think that having the door open is going to stop your teen/pre-teen from having sex if they want to? They certainly won't be having it in their bedroom... but they'll find away.

True. But why make it easy for them?

Not ALL teens have sex. Not all of them lie about not having sex, either. So why provide the tools to make it easier to give in to the temptation? That's something that really doesn't make sense to me.


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

Different things work for different families, I guess. I'm thinking that a girl can get pregnant in lots of places besides behind a closed door.

Right now I feel it is okay to let them have their friends over with the door closed. I might change my mind when they are older, I don't know. I'm pretty close with all their friends, I've known most of them since they were babies. Maybe when they get into the bigger upper grades, I won't feel as comfortable, I dont' know. But for now, both DH and I are pretty comfortable with our current system. We are comfortable with our dds, their friends, and their sense of responsibility.

Not that they always keep the door closed. They don't have any media in their room besides a stereo, and their rooms are small, so for the most part, most interaction, playing, etc take place in the main area of the house, the tree house, the playhouse, or the yard. I like that the girls' friends come over a lot, and feel comfortable here. One of my friends' parents had a no closed bedroom doors policy at their house--I never hung out there, it was too weird. I felt like they were assuming we were up to no good. Just didn't feel welcome or respected.

You have your reasons, I have mine. I'm not going to stand in the kitchen, listening for the violins and violas to finish so I can say, Okay, door open now! Oh, you want to get the rat out and not have the cat eat it, okay door shut now! Oh, you want to put the rat away and play a board game, okay, door open! Oh, the dog is chewing on the chess pieces, okay door closed! Which is how I would envision this working if I said, okay you can have the door shut when the rat is out, or you are playing music, or you are doing something that must exclude the cat and/or dog. You must leave the door open at all other times. How is that going to work? Who polices them to remember to open the door at the designated times? I'd still have to trust them.

I guess if I didn't trust them, rather than saying there was an open door policy, I would just say there would be a no-playing-in-your-bedroom policy. But I just don't see that happening here.

Whatever works. I'm pretty confident my kids aren't going to end up pregnant because we trust them to play with their friends in their rooms. I could be wrong; but that's how it is with parenting. You do what you think is best for your family and live with the consequences.


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## Amber Lion (Sep 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
True. But why make it easy for them?

Not ALL teens have sex. Not all of them lie about not having sex, either. So why provide the tools to make it easier to give in to the temptation? That's something that really doesn't make sense to me.

Trust that you've taught your children your vaules until they prove otherwise. Teach your children about safe sex, even if you value abstinence. Try to have an open enough relationship with your child that you don't have to rely on spying on them when they're with their friends to make sure they aren't doing something bad. And if they've proven otherwise, then resort to those measures. Don't assume your children are untrustworthy.

My parents didn't make me keep my doors open and I didn't have sex behind them.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Honestly, how many kids are going to try to have sex with their parents in the house! As if!

I think that Amber Lion's last post is very well put. Although I was always allowed to have my door shut, my mother showed that she didn't trust me in other ways and this really damaged our relationship and resulted in me keeping secrets from her that I wouldn't normally have kept and pushing her buttons on those issues she mistrusted me about because I was hurt that she didn't trust me.

For example, I had a serious boyfriend at age 17 - I would stay over at his house a lot, in his room, in the same bed, but we were not having sex. However, my mother didn't believe me, so I used to lie and say I was staying somewhere else.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:

You have your reasons, I have mine. I'm not going to stand in the kitchen, listening for the violins and violas to finish so I can say, Okay, door open now! Oh, you want to get the rat out and not have the cat eat it, okay door shut now! Oh, you want to put the rat away and play a board game, okay, door open! Oh, the dog is chewing on the chess pieces, okay door closed! Which is how I would envision this working if I said, okay you can have the door shut when the rat is out, or you are playing music, or you are doing something that must exclude the cat and/or dog. You must leave the door open at all other times. How is that going to work? Who polices them to remember to open the door at the designated times? I'd still have to trust them.
<shrug> We just haven't had this problem. With 3 dogs, 3 cats, a rabbit, 2 gerbils, 2 frogs and 2 geckos. Nobody tries to eat anybody...

Dunno.... maybe we're just weird.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
True. But why make it easy for them?

Not ALL teens have sex. Not all of them lie about not having sex, either. So why provide the tools to make it easier to give in to the temptation? That's something that really doesn't make sense to me.

Not ALL parents think that they should be in control of their teenagers' sexuality, either.


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## Mrs.CEH3 (Aug 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Not ALL parents think that they should be in control of their teenagers' sexuality, either.

you don't mind if your teenage children are sexually active? How old are they?


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
<shrug> We just haven't had this problem. With 3 dogs, 3 cats, a rabbit, 2 gerbils, 2 frogs and 2 geckos. Nobody tries to eat anybody...

Dunno.... maybe we're just weird.


Really? If your gerbils are running free, the cats don't try to catch them? Lucky. When our rat is out, the 65 pound dog is fine with it, and will let her climb all over her. The 5 pound kitten, however, goes into attack mode. We tried to get them to get along when the kitten was so little she was half the size of the rat; it didn't work.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

No, due to issues of sexual victimization in my daughter's past.

My kids can be in their rooms with the doors partially open, but not closed all the way.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Hmm...never come up. We only have beds in the rooms. Computers, TV etc are all in open areas.

Honestly, it's never been an issue. Even for my 18 yr old. He and his gfs have watched DVDS in the main area , hung out in the kitchen, and near the fire pit outside.

We even have a porch swing...







but John-Boy the kid ain't.

I think I live in a parallel universe.

(Of course, the child has a vehicle heh ).


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mrs.CEH3* 
you don't mind if your teenage children are sexually active? How old are they?

They are 10 and 13. Not sexually active yet, but when they are, it will be their bodies and their choice, not mine.

They don't seem to think they should have a say in whether I am sexually active, either!


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

I'd like to *influence* my children's sexual activity, and I hope I do. I'd like them to wait until they are older as opposed to younger; I'd like them to use protection against STDs and pregnancy; I'd like them to engage in sex because it is a pleasurable and loving act with someone they love, not because they drank too much, want to be popular, want to hold on to a boy (or girl), or any other reasons that doesn't respect their bodies and minds. But I can't and don't want to give them the impression that I control their sexual activity, because I don't. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

My high school boyfriend and I weren't allowed to hang out in his room, much less behind closed doors. So instead we had tons of hot sex in the back of his parent's van. After we moved away from our hometown, his parents sold their van, and they couldn't understand why we were so bummed out that they didn't offer to let us buy it before they put it up for sale. We were like, But we LOVED that van! It was an awesome van! We're married now, and that's been 20 years ago, but last week we were going to a friends' house and passed a van that could have been his parents' old van, and we just looked at each other. Man, that was a good van.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I posted earlier and it wasn't really complete....but behind doors activities are not always sexual. Some times without adult popping in or in ear shot kids can come up with "Dumb" ideas like.........

My nephew and bil caught a mattress on fired behind close door.

My brother and I came up with the idea of sneaking into a neighbors house to play behind closed door.







At least the neighbor had a good since of humor.

My friend's sons came up with a laundry shoot game that resulted in an ER room trip.

I had to repaint my girls one wall because of behind closed door creativity.

You might not be able to prevent everything but it is easier to catch and guide when you can hear and there is no time to jump and hide the evidence.









I really could go on.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lorijds* 
So instead we had tons of hot sex in the back of his parent's van. After we moved away from our hometown, his parents sold their van, and they couldn't understand why we were so bummed out that they didn't offer to let us buy it before they put it up for sale. We were like, But we LOVED that van! It was an awesome van! We're married now, and that's been 20 years ago, but last week we were going to a friends' house and passed a van that could have been his parents' old van, and we just looked at each other. Man, that was a good van.

Ah, van memories. So much nicer than the Vista Cruiser.


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## bugmenot (May 29, 2005)

Door cracked seems to be the best (IMO) option. It gives them privacy, but if you NEED to barge in, then you know you can.

Points:
1) They have a right to privacy, just as you have a right to your privacy.
2) If you feel like you must enter, then let them know you'll knock.
3) If you think it's an emergency, then you reserve the right to enter without knocking, but let them know that you'll do this in extreme cases only.

Edit--
However lorijds brings up a good point. If your child isn't allowed to do whatever at your house when you're there to monitor them, they'll still figure out a time/place to do it. Sometimes education and not prevention is also a good method.


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## menudo (May 21, 2002)

My DS and DD share a bedroom. We have a 2 bedroom home! If the door is left open our one dog insists on peeing in there.

Reason enough for me to say "CLOSE THE DOOR!"


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

It seems like there are two camps: you are either a horrible parent who doesn't trust their child and therefore doesn't respect his/her right to privacy, and as a result bound to damage that parent-child relationship forever, or you are allowing promiscuity and promoting early pregnancy.

I personally think it depends on you, your child, and your particular situation. If you love your kid, and don't trust them for whatever reason? Well, listen to your inner voice, you are the parent, and KEEP THAT DOOR OPEN.

If you have a relationship that allows you to feel comfortable with that door closed - KEEP IT CLOSED.

Both arguments are worthwhile, and depend on particular family and each situation imho.


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## Tishie (Aug 16, 2005)

I'm not concerned about closed doors. Like other posters, I'm sure this is influenced by my childhood - the experimentation and later the sex that I had wasn't in my room with my door closed while my parents were home. It was... well, pretty much everywhere else.







:

I'm also of the "I don't control their sexuality" camp. However, when it comes to someone else's child, which is what I though the OP was asking about, if you don't know the parents enough to know if they are okay with a closed door, I'd just ask. I ask people all the time about things - can she watch such and such movie? can he eat such and such food? Etc.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *darien* 
Honestly, I have no problem with consensual experimentation-- especially since they're too young for pregnancy or STDs (I think!).







:

Same here, and I personally would not institute a "no closed doors" policy in my home no matter what the age of my kids and their friends.


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## Naless (Apr 9, 2007)

With a guest (boy or girl) over we have a open/cracked door policy and if for some other reason (ie. noise or such) the door can be closed but we can open it at any time without knocking because with company in the room nothing should be happening that would require privacy.

If my child was at friends house I would hope that someone would be keeping an eye on them. Accidents happen at anytime and very quickly and the most dangerous things happen when a group of kids are "bored" and left unsupervised, as I remember from my childhood.

Also as a parent of a two girls (and this may seem sexist but oh well) I would not want one of them alone in a room with two boys with the door closed. Just my feelings.


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## Maggie05 (Jun 20, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
Same here, and I personally would not institute a "no closed doors" policy in my home no matter what the age of my kids and their friends.

Of course you can have whatever rules you want, and a parent has the right to allow their children to do what they want. However, what about the other child's parent? There are many parents of young ladies who would expect that when their daughter is at a friend's house with the parent present, there would be some level of supervision. Because Some parents don't want to moniter their kids sexuality, doesn't mean they shouldn't supervise other people's children who are visiting their home.

I, for one, would like a head's up, like, "We don't monitor our children's sexuality, so if you think we will be checking on them, we won't.They will be allowed in the upstairs bedroom with the door closed." then a young ladies parent can make their own choice.


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## LauraN (May 18, 2004)

I don't have tweens or teens yet, so you can take this with a grain of salt. But i remember being one.

We were allowed closed doors and i never would have done anything behind them that would get me into trouble. I did those things away from the house







But i honestly never did anything terrible, and even away from the house i felt the weight of my parents' absolute trust in me when making my decisions.

And because we'd had the safe sex talk so many times, i never had sex w/o a condom and i immediately got myself on the pill when i had a serious boyfriend.

But my grandmother lived with us, and let's just say she didn't trust us the way my parents did. So she would often stand at our closed door and listen to what we were saying and doing.

I remember once my sister and her friend realized my grandmother was listening in to their conversation and decided to have a little fun. So her friend said, "Oh I'm so bored, what do you feel like doing?" And my sis answered, "Gee, you know what might be fun? Let's worship the devil!"

As they expected, my very religious grandma burst through the door screaming, "NO, NO, DON'T DO THAT!" It took them a while to get her calmed down enough that she could hear them say they were just kidding.

I wish I could say that incident helped in any way, but my grandma spent the rest of her life listening in on us and snooping. She even once gave my parents a letter she found in which i was telling my friend about my first sexual experience.

My parents didn't ever mention it to me, and i finally asked them about it. They said that if i wanted to talk about it, they'd be glad to talk, but otherwise it was none of my grandmother's or their business.

And when i took my fiance home to meet her at age 25, she stayed up most of the night patrolling to make sure we didn't try to sneak into each other's rooms (we already lived together, and she knew it, but out of respect we slept separately at her house.)

My point is that all my grandmother's patrolling and snooping didn't keep me from doing what i wanted to do. But my parents' absolute trust in me did many, many times stop me from following the crowd in directions that I knew might not be safe or right for me.


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

We have only 2 bedrooms in a house under 400sq ft. My boys share a very small room which only has bunkbeds in it no tv or gaming upstairs. We have 2 other littler people too so my older ds1 who is 14 tends to hang out with friends at their houses or just out and about, younger ds had friends over occassionally and they play on the playstation downstairs or hang out in the shed in the garden.

Dh is worried about ds1 not having anywhere he can go and shut the door and wants to make sure we can move before he's wanting to 'bring girls home'. So far 'Come and sit on my top bunk with me while my brother reads in his bunk and my little sisters bang on the door' hasnt seemed appealing! Dh and I have trouble finding time and space to be just us alone in peace and quiet to just talk and as I remember it, as a teen I spent a lot of time just talking - the other stuff didn't last for long









As the other posters have said, I feel it is about respect, trust and ongoing open discussion.

When we have a home big enough for anyone to be alone in their private space then I would assume that a girl who wants to go to my son's room with him wants to spend time with him and would say something to her like 'You can shut the door if you want to when you are up there'. I can't imagine calling the girl's parents to give them a 'heads up' on our policy.

Wrt teens having sex in the house (perhaps when we are out); what is wrong with our home being a safe place for them to be?


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Same gender - door can be closed
opposite gender - door stays open


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
They don't seem to think they should have a say in whether I am sexually active, either!

Yeah that's because they're the children and you are the parent.


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## pixiesdaddy (May 5, 2007)

Quote:

Honestly, I have no problem with consensual experimentation-- especially since they're too young for pregnancy or STDs (I think!).
12 is NOT too young for pregnancy or STDs.

I am a high school teacher and have been a junior high school teacher. Kids reach maturity quicker and quicker these days - very little is off-limits or unthinkable any more.

Regardless, my opinion is that mixed gender kids should have the door open.

If you are in a special circumstance (e.g. my house is so small that I can hear everything anyway), then that's another matter.

It's not an invasion of privacy. Hovering over your kids, trying to play Legos with them, popping your head in the room every two seconds - those are invasions of privacy.

Having a general house rule that the door stays open when friends are over isn't and shouldn't be a big deal.

Gender doesn't particularly matter to me either.

I can stay out of my kids' rooms and I can give them space, but I don't believe in the expectation of a closed door in a family household.

No - having an "open door" rule won't prevent sexual experimentation - kids who want to have sex will do it regardless - but I think it's just a sound policy for a house.

Consider how you'd want your kids treated at someone else's house.

I'd want to know that my child was supervised and that the friend's parent was paying attention.

Pixiesdaddy (Dan)


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maggie05* 
Of course you can have whatever rules you want, and a parent has the right to allow their children to do what they want. However, what about the other child's parent? There are many parents of young ladies who would expect that when their daughter is at a friend's house with the parent present, there would be some level of supervision. Because Some parents don't want to moniter their kids sexuality, doesn't mean they shouldn't supervise other people's children who are visiting their home.

I, for one, would like a head's up, like, "We don't monitor our children's sexuality, so if you think we will be checking on them, we won't.They will be allowed in the upstairs bedroom with the door closed." then a young ladies parent can make their own choice.

I would typically expect the other parent to ask if it's that big a deal to them . . . unless the kid's parents don't know me AT ALL (in which case they might want to get to know me before sending their kids to my house), they will know that I am extremely liberal in terms of what my kids are and are not allowed to do.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

DS1 isn't allowed to have female friends in his room at all, as it stands. I'd insist on an open - or at least cracked - door, and I won't do that, as dd and ds2 can get into his room and mess with his stuff. If he didn't have siblings who were so much younger, he'd be allowed to have girls upstairs, with the door open. OTOH, if it weren't for his younger siblings, I'd probably insist on an open door when his male friends were over, too.

Do I trust ds1? Yes...but I also recall what those hormones are like at this age. I prefer to minimize temptation, is all. I'm sure he kisses his girlfriend and such when they're out for walks...but they're only likely to feel free to take it so far when there are people all over the place. A closed bedroom door just makes it too easy to make mistakes that you (he) might regret.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pixiesdaddy* 
12 is NOT too young for pregnancy or STDs.

I am a high school teacher and have been a junior high school teacher. Kids reach maturity quicker and quicker these days - very little is off-limits or unthinkable any more.

I was sexually experimenting in grade 7. I stayed a virgin until grade nine, but I know several people who didn't. And, honestly...this was back before AIDS, and almost nobody I knew ever used a condom. Girls were sometimes worried about getting pregnant (I had a scare when I was 15 - he was 21, and I was terrified), but STDs generally didn't even cross our minds.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

It's not an issue here. They can be in their rooms with doors closed.







We also have a family agreed upon rule that we knock on any closed door and wait to be given the ok to come in. My kids are 13.5 and almost 16. We haven't had any boyfriends or girlfriend situations yet, but we have had a bunch of kids at our house over the years. We've talked (and still do lol) about sex, options, choices, honesty, respect, and etc.

I know they aren't perfect, but I also feel like they have their heads on straight. I've talked to both of them about how when they do get into a relationship with someone they should just think about sexual decisions to be sure it's what they really want. They know that they can always come to me for anything no matter what has happened. It's cool.


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

What's the difference between a closed door and a whole 'nother floor? We have a closed-door-is-okay policy at our house. I'm comfortable with that, in part because the house is 850 sq ft; not much is happening ANYWHERE in the house that I can't figure out. Some of dd's friends have no closed door policies; but then they have these huge houses where the kids have practically an entire floor to themselves. Yeah, when I'm having coffee in the kitchen with the other mom, I can't hear what's going on in the attic. They could be shooting up and filming porn for all I know, door open or shut.

I'm personally much more uncomfortable with an open door policy in a large house than the closed door policy in our little one.

Bottom line; you can't control them, you just have to parent to your comfort level. If you let them out of your house, then you have to accept that there are other comfort levels out there, and your child will learn to deal with it.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

Um, NO. Period. Doesn't have anything to do with trust, it has to do with teenaged hormones and the feelings of the other parent. We weren't even allowed to have someone of the opposite sex in our rooms. Funny, I never even questioned it, though I'm sure my headstrong kids will.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lorijds* 
What's the difference between a closed door and a whole 'nother floor? We have a closed-door-is-okay policy at our house. I'm comfortable with that, in part because the house is 850 sq ft; not much is happening ANYWHERE in the house that I can't figure out. Some of dd's friends have no closed door policies; but then they have these huge houses where the kids have practically an entire floor to themselves. Yeah, when I'm having coffee in the kitchen with the other mom, I can't hear what's going on in the attic. They could be shooting up and filming porn for all I know, door open or shut.

I'm personally much more uncomfortable with an open door policy in a large house than the closed door policy in our little one.

Bottom line; you can't control them, you just have to parent to your comfort level. If you let them out of your house, then you have to accept that there are other comfort levels out there, and your child will learn to deal with it.

I'm not trying to control him. I'm also not trying to spy on him. I simply think, based on my own memories, and the experiences of several friends, that ds1 is far less likely to end up in a sexual situation on the spur of the moment if the door is open. The open door can have a pronounced cooling effect. DS1 will become sexually active when _he_ is ready, and that's not up to me to determine. But, I'm hoping he'll make that decision when he's thinking clearly...not in the spur of the moment, because things get too hot and there's nothing to make him stop and think.


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

I haven't read all the posts but there will be open doors when my preteen is hanging out.

I know what *I* did, and I was naughty.







:


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

We have an open door policy, with all our kids, regardless of ages and genders.


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## mommaof3boz (Feb 15, 2006)

I am curious of those who stated if it is a same gender group in the room who can shut the door vs a different gender group and door stays open-what about homosexual teens? You may not know it yet, but they certainly do. Just curious.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

That is a very good point, and you're right, I had not thought of it at all!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bigeyes* 
That is a very good point, and you're right, I had not thought of it at all!

I have thought of it, and I'm about 99% sure that ds1 is heterosexual - same with most of his male friends. There's one boy he's known since kindergarten, and I've always had a feeling that he might be gay. If so, I'm still not concerned about him hanging out with ds1 behind closed doors, as I don't believe that ds1 is. They don't tend to spend much time in ds1's room, unless they're playing guitar, anyway.


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## bigeyes (Apr 5, 2007)

I know what you mean. We have many gay friends and I don't think of it as an issue, but it is funny that I had not thought of it at all. Of course, both of my kids are raging heterosexuals, and I am more worried about STDs and promiscuity than anything. DD has from 6 years (and maybe earlier) always been desperate for male attention, and it worries me greatly. DS doesn't like girls, but he's crazy about _women!_

It's an odd thought for me, that at least if your kid is gay you don't have to worry about teen pregnancy.









I guess it doesn't matter how openminded you think you are, there are always going to be these mental lapses


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

We didn't have a problem with it when she was a preteen, but she only hung out with kids she had known a long time. So maybe in other situations I would have cared?


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## Paigerina (Jan 15, 2007)

I say door closed if that's how they want it. I would have been offended as a kid if my mom had indicated she was suspicious or didn't trust me by making me to leave the door open.

She once made a big deal out of my hanging out alone in my room with a boy when I was around your son's age. It totally embarrassed me as I was not at all interested in kissing this boy or anything along those lines.

But even if an 11-year-old were to kiss another 11-year-old, I don't see any harm in it.


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## Paigerina (Jan 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
It's not an issue here. They can be in their rooms with doors closed.







We also have a family agreed upon rule that we knock on any closed door and wait to be given the ok to come in. My kids are 13.5 and almost 16. We haven't had any boyfriends or girlfriend situations yet, but we have had a bunch of kids at our house over the years. We've talked (and still do lol) about sex, options, choices, honesty, respect, and etc.

I know they aren't perfect, but I also feel like they have their heads on straight. I've talked to both of them about how when they do get into a relationship with someone they should just think about sexual decisions to be sure it's what they really want. They know that they can always come to me for anything no matter what has happened. It's cool.

That's awesome.


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## Paigerina (Jan 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovingmommyhood* 
Yeah that's because they're the children and you are the parent.

I don't mean to offend, but this statement strikes me as blatantly ageist. It could be used to justify anything.


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## Mamaste (Dec 21, 2001)

The rule in our house is closed door if you're alone, open door if a friend is with you -- because when that friend is at our house, I as a parent am responsible for his/her behavior and safety, and since I can't possibly know that friend as well as I do my own children, I need to keep a closer eye on things. All the kids at every age and stage have been able to relate to that line of reasoning.


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## Abigailsmommy (Sep 23, 2003)

I'm sorry but "ageist" is cracking me up.

IMO, there is a reason kids are maturing faster and getting sexually active earlier - and a big part of it is because parents, instead of acting like parents, are acting like friends who are worried about hurting their children's feelings or embarrassing them and so they don't parent their children, they are their friends. Children have friends, they need you to be their parent and look out for them. Of course, you should have the right and the obligation to be involved in when your child begins having sex. They are young, they are learning and they need guidance. They simply don't have the tools or the experience to make the right decisions ALL the time. Even the most prudent and intelligent teens need parents, not friends.

Threads like these are yet another reason my child will not be going to their friend's houses until I know exactly what page those parents are on. Some of you might be comfortable with your child deciding when they want to be sexually active but have you considered that their partner's parents may not feel the same?


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## sbm1001 (Jun 2, 2005)

Nope! Not with a child of the opposite gender in that room. Even though he's not interested in girls yet, he will be before long, so I'd set the rules up for closed doors now, instead of later.

Shannon


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## rebeccalizzie (Apr 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Doors cracked both situations because if they think you can hear they are less likely to do something stupid. We have been invovled in a playing doctor situation that got nasty.

That's exactly what happened to us. It apparently started out innocent and then some coersion was involved from the other child. DD was afraid to tell me, even though we've had many discussions about how sexual exploration is normal, sex is normal, and she should always tell me if she feels uncomfortable. We no longer have friends over with the doors closed, of either gender or any age. And honestly, I don't go back in my bedroom with the door closed when I have friends over either.

DD has a gate across her bedroom door because the dogs used to go in and chew up her stuff. Now it will come in handy when she has a curious brother!


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Paigerina* 
It's not that simple. I don't mean to offend, but this statement strikes me as blatantly ageist. It could be used to justify anything - though I don't mean to imply you would use it to justify anything.


Wow. "Ageist" huh. That's hilarious. Am I being Ageist in not allowing my toddler to eat a whole box of cookies, too?

How about we call it what it is: Parenting.

Please don't say people are being ageist when they are parenting their children. Sheesh.


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## mahna_mahna (May 3, 2006)

I like the open door policy but I'll be honest when I say that my brother and I were not effected by this when we were teenagers. 1) My brother was blatantly obvious about his sexuality and often had sex with his girlfriend with the bedroom door OPEN! Disturbing, yes, especially when you are ten and only have an inkling of what's going on. 2) I never had sex in my father's house. Why? Because I had respect for my father and his wishes and I also knew I could get away with it at my partner's more "liberal" parents houses.

However, I am going to say that I am going to hope to God that my son (due in October) doesn't knock anyone up when he starts doing those things because I'm not going to pretend that they aren't happening. I also hope that he feels like he can trust me enough to share his experiences with me. I believe that every child deserves the right to experiment...but there is a line that needs to be drawn. My father never drew that line with my brother and I and I got into more trouble then I care to discuss. Another thought isn't just sex but what about drug use? Anyone considered that behind those closed doors?


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## DavinaT (Jun 28, 2005)

We have a closed door but not a locked door policy in our house.
I do not lock inner doors - the is for safety reasons. We knock.
I close the bathroom door when I am using the toilet but I think this depends on peoples comfort levels.
I have no poblem with someone coming into the bathroom when, for example, I am in the shower but my beloved hates anyone opening the bathroom door when he is showering.

My parents had a policy where little children could have friends in their bedroom (closed door or open depending on their preference).
But big children (anyone in scordary school 11 /12 over) entertained friends (of both genders) in the main area of the house just as adults did.


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maggie05* 
Of course you can have whatever rules you want, and a parent has the right to allow their children to do what they want. However, what about the other child's parent? There are many parents of young ladies who would expect that when their daughter is at a friend's house with the parent present, there would be some level of supervision. Because Some parents don't want to moniter their kids sexuality, doesn't mean they shouldn't supervise other people's children who are visiting their home.

I, for one, would like a head's up, like, "We don't monitor our children's sexuality, so if you think we will be checking on them, we won't.They will be allowed in the upstairs bedroom with the door closed." then a young ladies parent can make their own choice.









: Even though I have 2 boys I agree 100%!!!!!!!!!


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## tatermom (Jun 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamaste* 
The rule in our house is closed door if you're alone, open door if a friend is with you -- because when that friend is at our house, I as a parent am responsible for his/her behavior and safety, and since I can't possibly know that friend as well as I do my own children, I need to keep a closer eye on things. All the kids at every age and stage have been able to relate to that line of reasoning.









: This seems very reasonable to me (interesting thread, though!). It will be quite a few years before this is an issue for us, but it's nice to have the expectations clear from the beginning.


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## darien (Nov 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pixiesdaddy* 
12 is NOT too young for pregnancy or STDs.

I agree completely, but just for clarification-- none of the 3 are 12 yet. They're 10, 10.5 and 11.5.

This thread is really interesting, and a lot longer-lived than I thought it would be when I first asked for advice!









I don't know if I'm going to change my closed-doors-ok policy, but I am thinking about it. This thread is a lot to think on.


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## SJane01 (Feb 24, 2006)

Yes, I absolutely would.

I'm not for censorship of my children. I trust their judgment until they show me its not something that I can trust.

They are 10 and 11 years old. They havnt even began puberty yet. There's a moderate chance they might have learned to masturbate, but I'd highly doubt they'd take advantage of the girl, in any case.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *darien* 
Last week, my 10 yo ds had an 11 yo male friend and a (new) 10 yo female friend over. They went up in his room and shut the door. Ds and his friends tend to do this, but he hasn't had a female friend over (except for parties) in years.

It occurred to me after a while that her mom (whom I don't know well yet) might take exception to her "little girl" being in a closed bedroom with 2 boys.

I wasn't exactly worried-- neither of the boys have shown any interest in girls (or boys, as far as I know!), and I assume the girl isn't going to suggest "playing doctor."

I listened as I walked by-- they were playing Legos.









Both friends will be over again this week. Should I do anything? My gut says no, but my mom's ghost says, "Girls don't even belong in his bedroom!"


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## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Abigailsmommy* 
I'm sorry but "ageist" is cracking me up.

IMO, there is a reason kids are maturing faster and getting sexually active earlier - and a big part of it is because parents, instead of acting like parents, are acting like friends who are worried about hurting their children's feelings or embarrassing them and so they don't parent their children, they are their friends. Children have friends, they need you to be their parent and look out for them. Of course, you should have the right and the obligation to be involved in when your child begins having sex. They are young, they are learning and they need guidance. They simply don't have the tools or the experience to make the right decisions ALL the time. Even the most prudent and intelligent teens need parents, not friends.

Threads like these are yet another reason my child will not be going to their friend's houses until I know exactly what page those parents are on. Some of you might be comfortable with your child deciding when they want to be sexually active but have you considered that their partner's parents may not feel the same?









I could not have said it better myself. There are so many out of control teens out there, and parents either have no idea because they "trust" them, or they are just too afraid to parent them. I fear for this upcoming generation.


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## SwissMama (Sep 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SJane01* 
Yes, I absolutely would.

I'm not for censorship of my children. I trust their judgment until they show me its not something that I can trust.

They are 10 and 11 years old. They havnt even began puberty yet. There's a moderate chance they might have learned to masturbate, but I'd highly doubt they'd take advantage of the girl, in any case.

Ok, but how about just for ensuring comfortability for the girls parents? I trust my daughter, but i don't know YOUR sons and I would feel a little better if i knew the boys she was hanging out with had parents who kept the door cracked. Call it an insecurity if you want, but I'd feel the same way about "loose supervision" in any circumstance involving "what ifs" and even if *I* thought it would be ridiculous to imagining anything bad happening, I would still respect the other parent's fears and perhaps paranoia so that they felt at ease with their kids at my house. In return, maybe they would humour me by not letting my kids ride their 4 wheeler, even though their kids do it all the time (shaky example, but what the hell).


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## Tishie (Aug 16, 2005)

Those of you with an open door policy: why do you even allow them in the bedrooms if you are so worried they're going to have sex (which would, apparently, be a really bad thing)? And if you are concerned about the parents of the other child, once again, why not keep them in the common areas of the house?

If my child is in his or her OWN BEDROOM, then they can do whatever they want with the door.


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tishie* 
Those of you with an open door policy: why do you even allow them in the bedrooms if you are so worried they're going to have sex (which would, apparently, be a really bad thing)? And if you are concerned about the parents of the other child, once again, why not keep them in the common areas of the house?

If my child is in his or her OWN BEDROOM, then they can do whatever they want with the door.


First off, yes having sex before they are emotionally ready *would* be a bad thing.

Second, they would be in their room b/c that's where a bunch of their toys/stuff would likely be.

It may be their "own" bedroom, but it not their house. Just as they can't leave food to mildew in their room, just b/c it is their room. The rules of the house overtake the priveleges of the bedroom.


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

Interesting that all the fuss is about children of the opposite sex...I suppose the idea that your child might be homosexual doesn't enter into it?

To answer the question, yes. I would and do.

I HATED my mom constantly lurking by my doorway when I had guys friends and later, my boyfriend in my room. I had zero privacy. I remember that vividly and would like to encourage more open communication and respect in my family.


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## jeanieloz (Sep 30, 2004)

Not in the bedroom...
We have two living spaces that are large enough for everyone to enjoy company there, bring the toys out...
and usually my boys consider their bedrooms their private area and will actually tell their friends to not go in there, even if it's just to get something out.
I had four 12 yr old boys at my house for two days and they spent maybe 10 minutes total in my son's room.
However, my best friend till I was 12 was a boy, and we did lots of things together... mostly with legos
Donna


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## Paigerina (Jan 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karina5* 
Wow. "Ageist" huh. That's hilarious. Am I being Ageist in not allowing my toddler to eat a whole box of cookies, too?

How about we call it what it is: Parenting.

Please don't say people are being ageist when they are parenting their children. Sheesh.

Preventing a toddler from eating a whole box of cookies is wise. Suggesting that parents should have a say in everything their children/teens do (i.e. how they dress and their sex lives in the case of teens), while children/teens should have no say in anything their parents do is ageist. It's also unreasonable and disrespectful.

The line "that's because they're the children and you're the parent" could be used to falsely justify anything. Regularly overruling children has nothing to do with parenting as in guiding and protecting. It has to do with the false notion that parents must wield power over children. Overruling children shouldn't be taken lightly.

As far as letting a toddler eat a whole box of cookies is concerned, it makes sense to serve only a couple cookies while keeping the box out of his/her reach to avoid unnecessary arguments over how many cookies he/she should eat.


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

I was peer molested from the age of 6 up to the age of 12, which
is around when i started just doing it myself. All behind the closed
doors of my parents home or my friends parents home.

Leave that door OPEN!

Oh yeah, and my parents would probably never have guess what
was being done in my room at that age...no way in hell.

Its one thing to trust YOUR kid, but when you have other innocent
children in your home you are assuming responsibility for that child.
And having sleepovers at your house is preferrable.


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommaof3boz* 
I am curious of those who stated if it is a same gender group in the room who can shut the door vs a different gender group and door stays open-what about homosexual teens? You may not know it yet, but they certainly do. Just curious.

For girls and boys, i was molested by girls as well as boys.
Actually more by girls.


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## BiscuitBaby (Nov 21, 2007)

Quote:

Honestly, how many kids are going to try to have sex with their parents in the house! As if!
Been there, done that.









My room was on the second floor so I had a lot of privacy. When we moved into a one story house, I didn't have a locking door, it was a pocket door. Still did it. We had no fear because I was on birth control so we had sex all the time. Not saying it was the smartest thing to do, but that was what I did at 15.

That said, I think we'll have a door open policy for my kids. Once they get older, nobody of the opposite sex in the bedrooms. Of course they can have sex somewhere else, but I feel the need to be more strict than my parents were.


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

That's very heterocentric of you. You assume that no one experiments with sex with their friends of the same gender. My daughter came out last year to her father and I; we had NO idea prior. Something to think about when you are making gender specific rules.

We still maintain a closed door policy. Very small house, trustworthy kids, great communication in our family, house policy of knocking and then entering. Works for us.

Do what you honestly think is right. I never had friends whose friends were not allowed in the kids' bedrooms or who had to leave their doors open. I would have felt they didn't trust us, would have not wanted to hand out at that person's house, and honestly would have thought less of the parents--maybe not felt as much respect for them. Like they thought I was a bad kid who couldn't be trusted with their child. I would have definitely found it weird.

Sometimes you live up to expectations, too. If you give the impression that you don't expect you can trust them, despite open communication and reassurances, then you can expect certain personality types to find it a challenge to live up to those poor expectations.

You know what's best for your kids. What works for one family isn't going to work for another.


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## BiscuitBaby (Nov 21, 2007)

All of my friends got good grades. We were in AP classes, involved in volunteering and sports.

Our parents trusted us and we ran with it. Sneaking out at night when we were 14. Spending the night at boyfriends houses at 16. Drinking, smoking pot. We pushed and pushed to see how far we could go. Somehow, we all pulled our heads out of our asses around our senior year and went on to college. We are all married, have 2.5 kids, etc. For the amount of teen pregnancy in our school (rural area) I am amazed that it didn't happen to any of us.

I think that we did a lot of stupid things and I don't want my kids to have that much freedom. My Mom's parents were strict and she was waaaay too liberal with me. I think that kids need rules and structure. Not saying I will never let them out of my sight. But once they have a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" they will not be allowed in the bedroom with the door closed.


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## poisonedpenny (Dec 19, 2007)

I got my period at 11. So, no 11.5 (or 12) is not too young for pregnancy. And if they're sexually active, or sexually experimenting at 11.5 it's not too young for STDs.

Also, at 17 I was having sex at my boyfriend's house with his mom right outside the door.

I also had friends in high school that used to brag that were doing drugs at age 9 behind closed doors.

There are no hard and fast rules about when and what's going to happen for every child. Just know YOUR kid, and make rules that make you feel confident as a parent.


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## ank220 (May 9, 2007)

We've had a policy that doors don't get closed no matter what the gender of the friend may be. All kinds of things happen when kids put their minds together - and while some may be generally harmless, there are things that can cause a LOT of problems. Also, there are times that kids do dumb things even when they "know better".

Quote:


Originally Posted by *darien* 
I'm not actually afraid of anything; I was just wondering if there was some "rule" about this that I didn't get the memo on.









Honestly, I have no problem with consensual experimentation-- especially since they're too young for pregnancy or STDs (I think!).







:

I am always shocked at this type of belief, and while you may feel that this is okay for your kids, the other parents may not. I hope that you would discuss this with the parents so that they can make the choice of whether or not to allow their children into situations that *might* potentially become sexually charged. Also, 10 y.o. is NOT too young to get pregnant nor is is impossible to pass STD's. I have known girls as young as 7 who gave birth, as well as young kids who have contracted STD's from sexual partners. Finally, physical issues aside, I cannot possibly see how young kids can be prepared for the emotional issues that can develop from sexual experimentation - whether the emotional side presents now or later. In addition, it may set the children up for a lot of promiscuity, emotional heartaches when experiencing many "relationships" and breakups, unplanned pregnancy, and STD's later on.


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## darien (Nov 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ank220* 
I am always shocked at this type of belief, and while you may feel that this is okay for your kids, the other parents may not. I hope that you would discuss this with the parents so that they can make the choice of whether or not to allow their children into situations that *might* potentially become sexually charged. Also, 10 y.o. is NOT too young to get pregnant nor is is impossible to pass STD's. I have known girls as young as 7 who gave birth, as well as young kids who have contracted STD's from sexual partners. Finally, physical issues aside, I cannot possibly see how young kids can be prepared for the emotional issues that can develop from sexual experimentation - whether the emotional side presents now or later. In addition, it may set the children up for a lot of promiscuity, emotional heartaches when experiencing many "relationships" and breakups, unplanned pregnancy, and STD's later on.

Yikes. I'm not sure what you think is going on at my house!









I do understand that STD's don't ask for ID, and that young girls can get pregnant. None of the kids that I was speaking of, however, are currently capable of making babies. Also, I'm relatively certain they're STD free.

I'm not in any way encouraging my not-yet-eleven year old to "get it on" with anyone. But, I'm not going to encourage mistrust between us, either. We've had several discussions about sex and its many potential consequences.

I take good care of any child under my responsibility, and try to respect their family's values. That was the reason for my original post!

Of course "young kids" aren't prepared for the emotional issues that come with sexual experimentation-- adults often have the same problem.

I'm not sure how my attitude of "not-going-to-freak-out if I catch my kid fooling around with a similarily-aged friend" is setting him up for a sordid sex life in the future.


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## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amber Lion* 
What makes you think that having the door open is going to stop your teen/pre-teen from having sex if they want to? *They certainly won't be having it in their bedroo*m... but they'll find away.

i wouldnt count on that..from my experience. we both had one floor, one a trailer.


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## 2mama (Feb 3, 2006)

Door cracked


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