# I buried my baby today



## mamagrove (Nov 3, 2007)

I still have yet to post my experience under the "What to Expect" thread, but I will...

A few of you are familiar with my story, but a quick summary follows...

We found out at 10 wks that our baby no longer had a heartbeat (it had one a week before), & was only 9 wk size. I wasn't having any cramping or bleeding, but just couldn't stomach doing a D&C with my baby in there, nor could I wait it out for potentially weeks on end. After a week of nothing happening, I opted for Misoprostol/Cytotec induction at home (which as I said I will post about at some point). That was this past weekend, I was 11 wks by dates.

Perhaps this will sound odd to some, considering the heart-wrenching grief I am experiencing right now, but I feel as though my prayer was answered in that I was able to see my baby, & say goodbye. It was perfect in every way, just an inch long, but with eyes, ears, nose, mouth... 10 fingers, 10 toes... a beautiful miniature. I put him/her in sterile saline, & stuck the container in the fridge until today (that felt a little weird, but what else do you do?).

This morning I dropped DD off at my mother's & drove out to where my father is buried (I am not condoning this to anyone, btw, b/c I'm fairly certain it's illegal). I had bought a tiny unfinished wooden box, & a 100% cotton lace doily (biodegradable items), & I placed the baby inside with a little message of love I wrote on the inside of the lid. I bought three white roses from a florist nearby. I used a little hand shovel to dig just below my father's headstone (I barely had to dig at all - remember, my baby was literally an inch long), buried my precious little baby there, covered everything up so you couldn't even tell, & placed the three white roses on top.

I feel good that I will be able to always visit my baby there, & that his/her Grandpa will be watching over him/her. I know some of you have buried your babies in your yards, or elsewhere, but I worried more about doing that b/c we will not be staying in this house (or this state, for that matter) for much longer than a few years, & I wanted my baby to have a "permanent" resting place.

I felt good about doing it that way, so I was taken aback by my sudden mood change as I drove away from the cemetary. I have been in a foul mood the rest of the day, irritable, & impatient with everyone & everything. I guess it affected me more than I thought, to actually say goodbye. I cried for an entire week, but now I'm finding that it's not sadness so much as anger. And not at anyone in particular, not at God, not at my husband or myself... just... at the universe, I guess.

I know how to cope with tears, but I don't like feeling angry. Any suggestions on how to deal with this stage of my grieving?


----------



## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

I have no suggestions for you but I am so sorry about your little one.

You'll get good advice here though.


----------



## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Just saw this from the main page, but I wanted to say i'm so sorry for your loss and i wish you peace as you deal with it. I think that it is wonderful that your little one has a permanent place there with Grandpa. It seems to me that anger would be a perfectly normal feeling to have. You don't have to direct that anger at anything in particular....just anger at the unfairness of it all.....creating this perfect little person only to have him or her taken long before you were ever ready. I wish you all the best as you sort through those feelings.


----------



## CC_muffin (Oct 16, 2008)

My heart goes out to you mama, and your family. I am so sorry for what you had to do today, and I think that bringing baby to their grandpa is a beautiful way to honor them. As far as your anger, I think you should be gentle with yourself. It's ok to be angry-I would be!! There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and you are entitled to feel any way at any time. Journaling can be helpful, or talking to someone outside of the situation. And as silly as it sounds, I swear that screaming really loudly while on entrance or exit ramps to the highway makes me feel better. (I suppose any place where you were alone would do though)


----------



## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Grief is a process that varies in intentity and time. It's all very normal and it will never just go away. It is a minute by minute thing not a day by day thing. Please be at peace with your feelings mama....I am so sorry you are going through this


----------



## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

Having to bury a child is something we as parents should never have to face. It is so painful.









We buried our baby last month on top of dh's grandmother's grave. We don't tend to stay in one place and wanted to be able to go back to where our baby is buried without worry.


----------



## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Love to you, mama. I think it's normal to be angry.


----------



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Totally normal - your feelings are perfectly valid. Some of them are going to be very hard to bear - painful even, inside your body. I found sometimes the emotions I had made me physically hurt like heck. They do still - you know, just not all the time through the day. That coupled with an emergency c section and the recovery from that was for the first few days just plain crappy. I wondered how much more I could take at times. But you can take it. And you have to go through that to heal - one way or another.

I don't like being angry either, and I have been. The only way I was able to stop feeling that way was to sit in a chair and breathe and let the pain of the situation overwhelm me to such an extent that all I could do was cry for about an hour - really, really hysterically because I couldn't stop. Then, I crawled into bed and asked Harry to just hug me, and he did.

Thing is, grief in the end is actually a healing process. You've had a little person ripped out of your life. That is a big wound in you that needs to be healed somehow. Some people take a very long time to heal - others do not. It depends on you, the individual, and there is no right or wrong - just a process that needs completion. That doesn't mean the scar of the wound is not going to hurt a lot sometimes - scars sometimes do this - but, when you have grieved, the scar is there and no longer an open wound. And that's okay - it's normal and fine. The scar I have from my brother's passing still hurts sometimes and it was 22 years ago.

Big big hugs to you - my heart is with you.


----------



## kristenyostdc (Aug 31, 2006)

That sounds like a lovely place to bury your baby. Now you know he/she will be watched over by their grandfather. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can heal from it soon and big hugs to you.


----------



## moxielou (Jun 15, 2005)

The anger is a big part of the grieving process. I've learned that grief is a very complicated experience.

My only advice is to embrace it as best you can. It's important to feel these feelings and not wish them away, because they will just grow.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's so hard, I know.


----------



## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

So sorry...







I've been thinking of you.
We buried Yeshuel at the edge of our pond, right by the same spot where I'd scattered some of my dad's ashes.
My grief has been cycling through sad, angry, ok, and back again. As others have said, I think the best thing is to just feel what you're feeling when you're feeling it. Sounds obvious, but I have spent a lot of time trying to talk myself into or out of feelings that were uncomfortable. They always come back, though.
I'll be thinking of you.


----------



## Roygbiv (Oct 17, 2008)

I think that the burial at your fathers grave site was a very sweet thing to do.
It also sounds like a good thing for your own mental health to have some kind of closure. I'm happy that the site has meaning and that you'll always be able to visit them both.
You know, I've been cycling between sadness, anger and then I find myself in a state that resembles that of pre-pregnancy and it's weird to not be pregnant anymore. When i get angry, I've found that it's best to call a friend. They are really supportive and let me cuss and get angry and they get just as angry as I do and it feels great.
Each friend and family member supports me in a different way so while some are good for listening to me cry, another is there for when I need to vent anger. Maybe you have someone like that? Maybe you don't know that you have someone like that but if not, maybe coming here and 'going off' would be a good thing. For me, each day gets better and easier and I hope the same is happening or will be happening to you too.
Lots of love, mama. Stay strong.


----------



## mamagrove (Nov 3, 2007)

Thanks to all of you for being here & helping me (& all of us) get through this. I really don't know what I'd do without you!

I never really thought about letting myself feel the anger the way I do with the sadness. I guess b/c it's uncomfortable for me. Years ago, I used to have a lot of anger "issues" due to various happenings in my life, & it took me a lot of internal work to change that. I didn't like that about myself, & it caused problems for me in a lot of areas of my life. I've always been an optimist in general, & I try really hard to not let things get to me, b/c most things - in the big picture - aren't worth getting your panties in a bunch over, KWIM?

And in this case, it's hard to be angry b/c there's no one around that deserves to have it taken out on them! DH is in the same boat as me, though dealing with it differently, & he's been trying so hard to give me whatever support I need. DD isn't even two, so she doesn't get why it irritates me every time she sees the co-sleeper next to our bed & says "baby!" (we put it up to make sure it fit right, & I haven't had the heart to take it down yet). She certainly doesn't deserve for her Mama to be cross with her, she's just the sweetest little thing. It breaks my heart when I'm impatient with her.

But you're probably right - if I don't let myself feel it & get through it, it'll probably come back stronger. Maybe in another week or so, when I'm feeling a bit stronger, I can start exercising again. That'll give me an outlet, & I was missing it during my first trimester exhaustion. I had been hoping I'd get more energy during my second trimester... *sigh*.

Anyway, thanks again to all of you. It means so much to be able to come here & just "get it out." I don't even know any of you, but I love you.


----------



## chio88 (Oct 16, 2008)

I'm sorry...


----------



## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I tried to suppress my anger for many years and be peaceful.. turns out I can be more peaceful if I have safe ways to vent my anger. I like yelling (somebody else suggested that already). I also like breaking things. I'm a potter, and I keep a pile of reject pots for when I really need to destroy something. I put on my safety goggles and gloves and take a sledgehammer to a few vases. It feels great.

It's hard to grieve in the middle of the rest of your life. As much as it's wonderful to have a toddler to love and distract you, I also find myself getting impatient with my son sometimes, when what I really need to do is cry and he is asking for attention. They are little sponges--they know when their parents are upset, and sometimes regress or get wild to act out what they're feeling. Have you talked to your daughter at all about what happened? We didn't tell our son what happened, but a few days after the miscarriage, he told gramma 'mommy daddy black car, baby go'--he figured out what happened when we went to the hospital in our black car. Since then we've tried to talk to him in simple terms.. yes, the baby did go, and mommy and daddy are sad.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.


----------

