# Attached children and transitional objects



## seriosa (Apr 2, 2009)

I have read more than one reference that points out transitional objects or thumb/finger sucking as a childs way of compensating for the lack of vicinity or insufficient physical contact (via extended nursing, babywearing, co-sleeping etc). Have you attached parents found this to be true/untrue? Do you have attached children who still sucked their thumbs, clung to a blankie, etc?

My own experience is rather non-attached - this is a concept I discovered on this site some months ago, and my child is the ripe old age of 6! We have never co-slept (no remorse about this though, honestly I think it worked out fine all the same). I weaned him at 6 months. We never practised CIO however, and I strongly felt that "babies are for holding" and I carried or held him all the time when he was awake, laying him in his cot only when he slept. (again till 6 months. Then it was back to work FT for me, and off to daycare all day for him. Such is life).

Now he is a happy self-confident child, but will still sleep cuddled up to his lovey (a worn-to-holes velvet scarf) and still occasionaly suckles his fingers while falling asleep.

So I would like to hear your experiences. Is it compensation? or not?


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## katiesk (Nov 6, 2007)

interesting. my dd is 13 months and has not yet formed any apparent 'attachment' to an object. she even ditched her paci of her own volition many months ago...i have been curious to see what her object of choice would be...and it seems to be nothing.

she does sleep with us though and is still primarily bf and hangs out in her sling quite alot.


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## Camp-a-roo (Apr 27, 2009)

My kids don't have any attachment "lovelys" or anything even though I've tried to get them to adopt mine from childhood.Both my children co-sleep nursed for almost a year and I'm a stay at home mom. While my DSS has 3 lovelies he has at all times, his mom CIO, never breastfed and was back to work at 8mnths. Its not hardcore evidence or anything just my own experiance.

I'd love to read the references you're refering to.


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

Dd has never had an attachment object - not that I didn't try, either. She's 2 1/2 and doesn't have a favorite anything. Today she is very attached to her umbrella. Yesterday it was her play silk.

I always wished she'd have a comfort item, but never has.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

My 7 year old doesn't have any object he needs. I tried to get him a blanket when he was a baby, just by only using that blanket. But he never did need it.

My almost 3 year old has his blankie. Again, I just used the one blanket from the time he was born and he got very attached very quickly. Now we keep it at home or in the car, he wants it for bedtime, naptime and whenever he's unhappy. And this child is my shadow, he's very attached to me.

I really think its a personality thing more than anything.


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## waiflywaif (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:

I have read more than one reference that points out transitional objects or thumb/finger sucking as a childs way of compensating for the lack of vicinity or insufficient physical contact (via extended nursing, babywearing, co-sleeping etc).
I've read that too and I think it's baloney, frankly. I've known kids with and without lovey objects and it doesn't seem to have a thing to do with they way they're parented.


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## columbusmomma (Oct 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiflywaif* 
I've read that too and I think it's baloney, frankly. I've known kids with and without lovey objects and it doesn't seem to have a thing to do with they way they're parented.

I second this!! A bunch of "ka-ka"!laughup


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## metafisica (Mar 28, 2009)

Very, very interesting....my son has been /is coo sleeping since birth, baby wearing, breastfeeding (hes 7 months) Earlier on I've tried to calm him down with a pacifier...







What can I say? I was desperate, but he would just spit it out...Even when he would fall asleep feeding I'd try to replace a pacifier instead of my breast, but he would figure it out...I'm writing this because ALL the kids of my non attached friends are hooked on pacifiers, some well into the toddler hood







Dont know if it has anything to do with it, but makes sense to me


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## katiesk (Nov 6, 2007)

i think it is mostly personality.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

A while ago, I asked a question here about AP parenting and attachment objects being less common.

I used to read a more mainstream board, and there were lots of threads there about "where can I get a new XYZ bear, the one we have is falling apart and DS will die without it." The board was Canadian, and would probably be considered left wing compared to what people describe on MDC as mainstream American parenting, but it was not purely AP by any stretch of the imagination. There were not a lot of "how to a get my two year old to give up his transition object" threads, just questions about how to manage when a transition object is part of your family.

Now, a lot of the responses I got on MDC suggested that mainstream parents just make a bigger deal about transition objects and that's why it seems more common, but I'm not convinced.

My nephew formed his attachment to his teddy bear while he was alone in his crib. My BIL and SIL do sleep training, and he is left to fuss and cry in his room. I see a lot of parents distracting babies with toys, food and soothers when they are upset rather than picking them up, nursing them or even talking to them. This isn't to say that we have never offered a soother, our first used one for a few months, or that I haven't offered a toy to a cranky, bored toddler, but I do notice many parents offering objects over themselves, and so i do think that while transition objects are normal, and any child may opt to use one, they may be more common with the children of non-ap parents who foster the behaviour.

What I find funny, is when the same parents who left a baby alone to crib cry it out with a teddy bear and a soother are then traumatized when said child reaches a magic age and won't give up the teddy bear or the soother.

All of our kids did suck thumbs or fingers, and one had a pacifier for a few months, but they all gave it up on their own before a year. The only thing our kids have ever NEEEDED to go to sleep was myself of DH.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

Some kids need transitional objects, pacifiers or thumbs and some don't.

I AP'd all three of my kids. I wear them constantly, co-sleep, night-time parent, comfort nursing, practice self-weaning and address them with kindness. But my oldest used a pacifier (gave it up around age 2), my middle child is very attached to her blanky at age 2 and both younger ones suck their thumbs.

A friend's daughter (very, very AP) is very attached to her sling.


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## ProtoLawyer (Apr 16, 2007)

My sister sucked her thumb from Day 1 (and through her early teens). I suspect, had ultrasound been around then, she might have been spotted sucking her thumb in utero. I can't imagine she would have had time to form or not form attachments or have to compensate.


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## jillmamma (Apr 11, 2005)

DS used ME as his attachment object till we weaned by mutual agreement at age 4.75. He still will very often crawl in bed with us really early in the morning to "check on mommy".







He has always been very snuggly and wanted to be held and nursed a LOT as a baby/toddler too.

DD is different. She also loved being held and nursing, but would get her milk in her and then push the breast away when she was done. She is also very wiggly and will sit on my lap for awhile, and then wiggles everywhere and wants down sooner than her brother would have. She is also a thumb sucker and has been from I am suspecting in the womb, but for sure was already doing it just minutes out of the womb. But, she has always required a little more of her own space and her thumb, whereas her brother always wanted to be on mommy. She is still nursing before bed at age 3.5, just a couple minutes per side (her choice) then wants her thumb to go to sleep.

So really, I have not done things all that differently for them, but one has her transitional object (thumb) and the other really does not. Only things I can think of that may be different is that he is autism spectrum, she is not, and he is a firstborn who had all of mommy's attention and time his first 2.5 years whereas she had to share me with her older brother sometimes.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

In my experience, no.

I know a great variety of kids who use comfort objects, some are AP parented, others most definitely not, many inbetween.

I think that it might be a way for some people to feel self-congratulatory (see, MY kid doesn't need a lovie because I did everything right!) or to have yet another thing to feel guilty about.

But in reality, I think a lot of it depends on the kid. In my experience, the more sensory-oriented the child, the more likely they are to have objects that they habitually used for tactile comfort, whether it's a doll, strip of silk, mom's hair, whatever.

I only have one sensory-oriented child. He is an identical twin, and his brother never bothered with tactile behaviors. When DS1 was young, though, he had an obsession with earlobes (primarily mine, his, or his brothers) and liked to squeeze and rub them when settling down.

So I don't even think that it's genetic.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Dd has a lovey that she sleeps with--sometimes she wants to take it to the park, store, etc. as well (we try to minimize this, as the lovey is one-of-a-kind and we're scared of losing it, but we'll do it if she insists). She's almost three. She was EBF on demand until 19 months (when she self-weaned, despite weeks of trying to get her back on the breast). We never used bottles. She never had a pacifier. She slept in a co-sleeper and then side-carred crib for her first 18 months, and we did partial bedsharing after she moved to her own room (she would start the night in her bed, then move to ours when she woke up). We never did any sort of CIO. We used slings more than a stroller.

OTOH, we did initially foster the association of her lovey with sleeping--dd had a really hard time falling asleep as an infant, so we started putting the lovey in bed with her/us every time to create a sleep association (and it did seem to help). I think we got the idea from No Cry Sleep Solution.

I think it's personality more than parenting, honestly. Or to put it more precisely: Although I can see why CIO/unattached parenting might lead a child to attach to an object, I don't think that attachment parenting necessarily means the child WON'T form an attachment to an object, nor do I think that unattached parenting necessarily means that child will.


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## darien (Nov 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
In my experience, no.

I know a great variety of kids who use comfort objects, some are AP parented, others most definitely not, many inbetween.

I think that it might be a way for some people to feel self-congratulatory (see, MY kid doesn't need a lovie because I did everything right!) or to have yet another thing to feel guilty about.

But in reality, I think a lot of it depends on the kid. In my experience, the more sensory-oriented the child, the more likely they are to have objects that they habitually used for tactile comfort, whether it's a doll, strip of silk, mom's hair, whatever.

I only have one sensory-oriented child. He is an identical twin, and his brother never bothered with tactile behaviors. When DS1 was young, though, he had an obsession with earlobes (primarily mine, his, or his brothers) and liked to squeeze and rub them when settling down.

So I don't even think that it's genetic.

Both my dc are quite sensory-oriented, and both used ME as a comfort object.


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## Camp-a-roo (Apr 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
I think it's personality more than parenting, honestly. Or to put it more precisely: Although I can see why CIO/unattached parenting might lead a child to attach to an object, I don't think that attachment parenting necessarily means the child WON'T form an attachment to an object, nor do I think that unattached parenting necessarily means that child will.

ITA


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *darien* 
Both my dc are quite sensory-oriented, and both used ME as a comfort object.

If you'll note, I included using a part of mom's body as a source of tactile comfort.

I think the kid uses what they choose to use, I see no great moral superiority between sources of comfort. I just don't see a huge attachment ramification between my earlobe and a favorite stuffed animal, sorry.

A lot of kids don't need a comfort object (inert or breathing) at all. Some kids need a great deal of tactile comfort. I see nothing defective or inferior in the children (and their parents) that find the most comfort with something that happens to not be human.


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## darien (Nov 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
If you'll note, I included using a part of mom's body as a source of tactile comfort.

I think the kid uses what they choose to use, I see no great moral superiority between sources of comfort. I just don't see a huge attachment ramification between my earlobe and a favorite stuffed animal, sorry.

A lot of kids don't need a comfort object (inert or breathing) at all. Some kids need a great deal of tactile comfort. I see nothing defective or inferior in the children (and their parents) that find the most comfort with something that happens to not be human.

Yes, I did note. That's why I bothered to quote you.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I co-slept, breastfed and was a very AP parent. Ds still got attached to a soft stuffed puppy and used it to fall asleep each night. He liked to rub the soft ears over his eyes while he fell asleep.

I don't think AP has anything to do with transitional objects. Some kids pick em, others don't. No big deal either way.

FTR, ds still sleeps with "puppy" - he no longer needs him to fall asleep, but if we are somewhere new it helps him feel comfortable and safe. I'm glad he has "puppy" to be totally honest.


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## maberrysx5 (May 11, 2008)

I am more AP than I used to be. (waaay more) and this is only in the last two years or so.

ok, my sons, aged 7 and 3 years, have no "loveys" and neither of them suck thumbs or fingers. although lately my youngest son has started licking his fingers (gross)

my daughter, aged 5, has a blankie that must accompany her everywhere. we get out of taking it into the stores by telling her that it is blankie's job to guard our vehicle while we're in there (corny as it sounds, it works) anyway, she also sucks her thumb and has for a while.

when my kids were babies, we did not co-sleep, I tried to breastfeed (stubborn me wouldn't ask for help, really struggling with guilt over that now!)

so in my opinion it's just personality


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

My daughter latched on to her comfort object -- a cloth diaper -- because I always had it slung over my shoulder when we nursed (she was a big spitter-upper). It was right there for her to twiddle between her fingers and play with while she nursed, and I guess it smelled like both me and her (and the all-important milk). She almost eight, and she still plays with that thing and cuddles it at bedtime!

So there you go -- rock-solid proof that attachment parenting PRODUCES an unhealthy attachment to a comfort object.







If we hadn't nursed so much, she never would have latched on to her "blankie."

She's still a very tactile kid -- loves rollercoasters and tickling -- and also a big chow-hound.


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## Aufilia (Jul 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *seriosa* 
I have read more than one reference that points out transitional objects or thumb/finger sucking as a childs way of compensating for the lack of vicinity or insufficient physical contact (via extended nursing, babywearing, co-sleeping etc). Have you attached parents found this to be true/untrue? Do you have attached children who still sucked their thumbs, clung to a blankie, etc?

Well, DD started sucking her thumb as soon as she found it, so I don't see what that has to do with anything. It seems like people either give babies binkies, or else they suck their thumbs, and that isn't really about attachment as much as the need to suck.

I work FT but I did babywear and nursed for 28 months. DD stayed home with daddy. She does have a lovey though she was having a separation anxiety phase when she picked it, at about 15 months. She's still pretty in love with her lovey now at nearly 3.5.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I think that it might be a way for some people to feel self-congratulatory (see, MY kid doesn't need a lovie because I did everything right!) or to have yet another thing to feel guilty about.

Yeah, this. I can't say the rest of what I would like to say because it doesn't fit in the UA.


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## Laurel (Jan 30, 2002)

Both of my children have been parented in the same way... bedsharing, nursing, bottlenursing when unable to bf (I induced lactation), babywearing, no-CIO, etc. DS never had a lovey. He is also an extremely physical child. I would have said his transitional object was ME, because he always had to be touching me, on my lap, etc. DD was parented the very same way, and she has become attached to her "blankie". However, her blankie is the queen-sized quilt that was on our bed when we co-slept. It cracks me up that she drags this huge quilt all over the house. It has silky fabric, and I think that's why she loves it.

I think it's a personality thing!


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 

I know a great variety of kids who use comfort objects, some are AP parented, others most definitely not, many inbetween.

I think that it might be a way for some people to feel self-congratulatory (see, MY kid doesn't need a lovie because I did everything right!) or to have yet another thing to feel guilty about.



This. These threads always make me cringe a little because some opinions can come across as sanctimonious and self-righteous. It's like parents bragging that their kids are so well behaved because they're spanked. All kids are different and need different things.


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## LDSmomma (May 11, 2009)

My DS sucks his thumb/fingers regularly, and it seems to be related to teething. He sleeps with us, nurses on demand, and I wear him regularly. I think it's a personality thing. I have a friend who sucked her thumb from before birth--she was born with a blister on her thumb from sucking it in utero.


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## tappinerp (Jun 14, 2006)

I agree that it has a lot to do with each kid's individual personality.

Growing up in a very non-AP family- my sister had a lovey but my brother and I did not.

With our son- we extended breastfed (until 30 months), coslept (until 24 months...and the occassional night that he still needs it), don't CIO, etc. DS never seemed to need a transitional object. Until he started daycare at a center rather than at his previous in home care situation (26 months old). I should note- it is an awesome care/preschool setting. They 100% support all of our parenting choices and have a low raiton 3:1, do not do time out, etc. It is awesome. But when DS was introduced to all of the new kiddos and all of the extra stimulus- he just needed his "silkie". It has been pretty much his constant companion now for several months. I am starting to see him not needing it as much now- I think it is just a normal phase that some kids go through.


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## momasana (Aug 24, 2007)

My DS is very attached to me, but not to any other objects.

Growing up I was extremely attached to a blanket and a stuffed dog. I was weaned early and I know that my mom made me CIO.


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## JayGee (Oct 5, 2002)

I think it's totally child dependent. My oldest has no comfort object, my middle sucks her thumb, and my youngest has a blanket (named "ga-goo"). All three were APed. The youngest still co-sleeps for much of the night. Extended nursing for all. All sling-babes until my poor aching back couldn't do it.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

My DD is 3. I wear her still now, i had to wean of BF at 7 months due to supply issues but i FF her skin-to-skin to maintain as much closeness as possible. She sucks her thumb and has 2 special loveys. I still suck MY thumb (i'm 28). I think it's down to the individual child. There are no magic parenting bullets IMO.


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

I always wondered why DD didn't have a lovey, blankie or something other then ME!

I do think some kids latch onto an object because they aren't getting what they need from a caregiver. But I don't think that is the reason all kids have an attachment object.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

No loveys, thumb-sucking, or binkies here- though dd (now 3.5) is getting kind of funny about wanting to cuddle my boobs now that she's almost weaned herself.


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## seriosa (Apr 2, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Camp-a-roo* 
I'd love to read the references you're refering to.

Camp-a-roo - I am a grazer information-wise, I can't give you off-head the exact references of where I read or inferred this information. Sorry.

Anyway, many interesting - and comforting responses. So maybe my son is not affection deprived? As I read further on this forum and other related stuff I find mostly on the 'net I'm starting to get into some guilt trips as to lots of things that I might have done wrong. The results don't look sooo bad overall, but some things have got me thinking, and this was/is one of them.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Quote:

The results don't look sooo bad overall, but some things have got me thinking, and this was/is one of them.
When your kid is 20 he will probably tell you EXACTLY where you went wrong, and i'll bet you until that day the things he relates won't even have been on the radar! Unless you're on the abusive end of the parenting spectrum you can never know how they'll turn out and what they will decide they didn't like, no matter WHAT you do!


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## BAU3 (Dec 10, 2001)

Why, yes, now that you mention it. I must be a superior mom cuz none of my 4 kids have had blankies, binkies etc.

I was going to mention that me (or my boobs,more specifically) have always been a great source of comfort to all of them, but if I admit that then I would have to give up my crown....







:


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Honestly, with so many parenting things there's a bunch of ways to do them that are all fine, and a few ways that are potentially harmful. Kids are pretty resilient, and they're also pretty diverse -- there's no one absolute right way to do most things that is best for every child. If reading on the Internet is stressing you out and making you feel insecure and guilty, I'd back away from those resources on the Internet.

Quote:

When your kid is 20 he will probably tell you EXACTLY where you went wrong,
LOL, this is SO true!


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## calebsmommy25 (Aug 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jillmamma* 
DS used ME as his attachment object till we weaned by mutual agreement at age 4.75. *He still will very often crawl in bed with us really early in the morning to "check on mommy".*







He has always been very snuggly and wanted to be held and nursed a LOT as a baby/toddler too.

I think that is so cute that he comes in to 'check on mommy'...so sweet.

I wanted ds to have a transition object. I don't like the idea of a germ filled thing being carried all over the place, every second of the day, but at times when I am too busy making dinner, going to the bathroom, etc. to tend to him at the very second he needs it...I feel a comfort object isn't such an awful thing to have.

I introduced a stuffed puppy to him a few months ago. Whenever ds needed to be comforted, I picked him up, gave him lovins, nursed him (whatever he needed), and also had puppy in my arms. He formed an attachment rather quickly to puppy, but doesn't need him ALL the time. If he is tired, he'll grab puppy and want to cuddle on my lap. He'll see puppy on his play mat throughout the day and go give him lovins and hugs, and then puts him down.

I don't think it has anything to do with the type of parenting. I bf, cosleep, wear him all the time, and try to comfort him whenever he needs it. I don't feel that anyone should feel guilty if their child has a lovey, I don't feel that it is a definitive indicator of 'bad' parenting at all.


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## jlobe (May 1, 2009)

I find it changes over time. My daughter is almost five, as an infant she nursed, and she also pinched my wrists and elbows until she was three as a way to soothe herself. Now, she still cuddles, but has started biting her nails, and I think it does the same thing for her, because she often does it when she's falling asleep.

My son is 2.5, still nursing but starting to wean although also likes to "cuddle them" from time to time







and has never done any of the other tactile things and neither have been attached to a lovey.

Julie - mom of two great kids







:


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## KittyDanger (Jan 27, 2009)

I was wondering this too. I posted a thread requesting pics of our babes with their lovies and I got only one response. I thought maybe that was frowned upon or something here. My son has a lamb that he has used at bedtime since he was about 6 months and he has always slept with us.


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## hrsmom (Jul 4, 2008)

seriosa- I'm glad you were comforted by the responses, it sounded like you might be having a little guilt. My babe has sucked her two middle fingers from very early on, definitely during the period where I was still holding her all the time. I wondered about it, and concluded she liked sucking her fingers. I like it because it lets me know when she's starting to get sleepy. It's very cute! She's just started to really enjoy stuffed animals and blankets, and doesn't have one particular lovey but gets upset if the one she wants at the moment is out of reach. (Is that a lovey or just normal baby stuff? I don't know!)

I sometimes get a little testy when woken up (repeatedly) in the middle of the night, and I wonder if my dd would be better off alone in a crib, or with a testy/impatient mama? Who knows? My point being that I think we all worry about something! I love asking questions like this here, though.


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## caitsaunt (May 6, 2009)

Another vote for personality being the biggest factor.

My older son BF til 2 and coslept til 2.5, never wore him but held him constantly... he sucks his thumb, has "kitty blankie" (a stuffed kitty, 2 blue blankies and other random objects he needs with him at night).

Alexander was after the thumb from day one... obsessed til he finally caught it at 4 months.

Ian also cosleeps, nurses, is worn or held and he could care less about a thumb or lovey. He might hold fabric sometimes when sleeping (like the corner of a burp rag) but it's incidental rather than something he asks for.


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## Red Pajama (Jun 11, 2007)

One of my twins became very attached to a gund "comfie-cozy" around 18 months. We facilitated it, in that each boy had one that we put in the crib with them as they slept. Despite the fact that he nursed until 26 months, was not left to cio, and was welcome in my bed if he woke up, his sheep is very much his lovie. The other twin does not have a lovie, although he'll take stuffed animals to bed he doesn't care if or what he has.

My daughter has not yet attached to a lovie, although she's got a comfie cozy and other things she could pick from. She is "still" nursing at 20 months, and cosleeps part of each night.

So I think attachment to a transition object is partly personality, and partly family conditions. That's my two cents.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I don't think it is compensation. My dd co-slept with me until she was five, nursed until she was three, was carried around everywhere during her first year and a half of life, and we have had a very attached relationship. I have always followed her cues for when she wanted space to explore and when she wanted me, I never pushed her to go off on her own (nor did I push her not to), and in many ways my life revolves around her. That didn't stop her from sucking on her toys and exploring things with her mouth first until she was four. Some kids are just more oral than others. I think that article sounds like a scare tactic to try to push people into a certain point of view.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

I was discussing this topic with my sister and she wondered about babies who are seen sucking their thumbs in the womb. They can't possibly be compensating for a lack of attachment.


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## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

My older child was a binky-user -- he would have been latched on and non-nutritively nursing 24/7 if it was up to him, and I could not handle that. So ... a binky, which we limited to car rides and naps/bed. But he definitely loved it. Would find them and carry them around as a toddler... but as one by one they were lost and not replaced, it was no big deal. So I don't know if they were attachment objects or not.

He was slung a lot and part-time coslept.

My younger child found her thumb when she was about 7 months old and still uses it as part of her self-soothing routine at age 5.5. Also slung a lot, also part-time coslept.

She also had an attachment object .. my hair! She'd reach around my neck while nursing or just cuddling and grab a handful and start twsting it. If my hair isnt' available, she goes for her own. She's sitting on my legs right now, sucking the left thumb and "twoodling" her hair with her right, nearly asleep.


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