# How do I discipline an 18 month old boy?



## mamafever (Jul 18, 2009)

He is super active and starting to really test things? He knows he not supposed to do something, but he does anyways. I need to have a concequence so he can learn, but what does he exactly understand? I don't want to hit, spank, or flick him, but what else do they understand that is not physical? help! I want to do things the right way, but I know something needs to be done. I don't want him to turn into a terror who can get away with everything. He also has started this fake whiny voice. Ahhh! I cant stand it....trying to be patient and calm....but I need some advice.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Quote:

He is super active and starting to really test things?
He isn't testing. He is exploring and learning and manipulating his environment. I always do better with behaviors that make me crazy of I don't frame them in a negative way.

If you do a search in this forum you will find post after post about this very issue and lots of good ways to parent your son during this exciting time when he is moving from being a baby to being a toddler.


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

You son is at an age where he is learning a LOT of stuff, every minute of every day! He is learning how to use his large muscles to run, jump, and climb; he is using his small motor skills to pick things up and manipulate them. He is learning how the world works from watching evrything going on around him, from birds out the window to cars on the street to bugs on the sidewalk. He's learning that some things are soft, others are hard, and some things bounce when you throw them.

He learns all these things through repetition. Remember when he sat in his high chair and dropped everything off the side? He was checking to make sure it fell the same way each time. He wasn't born understanding the law of gravity - he had to test it over and over again.

He's doing the same thing now, but his tests are more active!

Yes, you need to teach him that some things are inappropriate or unsafe. But mostly you have to give him the space and security to explore and learn on his own. When our twins were that age, our house was so babyproofed that we described ourselves as having "naked house syndrome" - plants, knick knacks, a wall mirror were all stashed in a spare bedroom. There were latches on the cupboard doors, the bathroom doors, the toilet lids, the oven and fridge doors. There were heavy-duty gates at the top and bottom of the stairs. There were covers on all unused outlets.

It is far easier to teach a toddler what TO do, instead of what not to do. I honestly believe that a toddler cannot understand the word "don't" - and even if they understand the word, they can't think of an alternative. So instead of saying "Don't climb on the chair!", say "Sit on your bottom". Instead of "Don't touch!", tell him something else to do with his hands - clap, put his hands on his head, whatever. I also used "That's just to look at" instead of "don't touch". If you say "don't touch the plant", all your ds will hear is ".. touch the plant... Mom said touch the plant".

Repetition is a key. Little kids are processing so much new information all the time, it's unreasonable to expect them to remember everything. So we have to tell them over and over and over again. I know it's frustrating! You don't have to punish a child to keep him from turning into a terror, and using gentle and positive discipline is NOT the same as letting a child get away with everything! You do need to be consistent - if it's OK to climb on a chair today, it had better be OK tomorrow. If the TV remote is off limits today, it should be off limits tomorrow.

Hang in there!


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## mamafever (Jul 18, 2009)

wow, thanks! this is great advice and makes a lot of sense. I do need to remember that he is such a little explorer.







....but here is my question. If i never use the word "don''t" and direct him elsewhere, then how will he learn and know not to do it again?


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

By redirecting, eventually your ds learns that whatever you're taking him away from is not to be played with. And you can still explain to him why you want him to sit in a chair instead of stand on it - just do so after he's sitting! For example: "Junior, sit on your bottom! Thank you - chairs are for sitting." He'll figure out for himself that sitting means not standing.

It takes some practice - and sometimes some quick thinking! - to use "do" statements instead of "don't" statements, but it sure makes life easier when you do. My twin sons are 15 years old, and I still have better luck with "Please hang up your jacket" than "Don't leave your coat there!"

And redirection really is more effective than punishment - flicking his fingers, for example, when he's reaching for a plant. It's possible he might simply learn that his fingers sting if he plays with the plant - but he hasn't learned what to do instead. If you tell him "the plant is just to look at", he will eventually approach the plant - and just look at it. Again, he's learning what TO do, instead of what not to do. As long as he can't do both at the same time (stand on the chair and sit on the chair), he only needs to learn one.

My brother had an old, blind dog. My sons learned at a very young age that Woofer was just to look at - and they didn't need to get bitten to understand that they weren't supposed to pet him.

Remember, too, that this stage doesn't last forever! As his language skills and self-control improve, he can learn things by simply being told - he's just not ready for that yet.


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## mamafever (Jul 18, 2009)

thank you sooo much! That was very clear. I knew that a flick on the finger did not sound right to me I just didnt know what else to do when family members think I should try it. thanks again!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

See how much easier it is to do the "right" thing when you know what it is instead of just not doing a "wrong" thing?

It's a lot easier to redirect, distract, and give your LO safe ways to do the stuff that interests him than it is to just not hit, not yell, or what have you.

I'm a big fan of out door time, trays of textures, climbing toys (we keep a ladder in our living room to unfold when Lina wants to climb).


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## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

I have been reading as much as possible about Get Off Your Butt Parenting. It has helped me a lot with dd. The basic premise is that you physically redirect them as you tell them what they can and cannot do. So if he's about to grab the cat litter, you get up and move him away from the litter as you say "we don't play with that". It's easy to fall into the trap of expecting little kids to obey you. You have to help them obey by redirecting them.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

DD is almost 17 months and I have found success...or on some days perhaps just survival







with getting down on DD's level and working with her.

Sometimes, it's pure boredom or curiosity, so you have to redirect to a more appropriate activity. For example, DD was dumping cat food into the cat water bowl. So I put some small bowls and measuring cups on a towel on the kitchen floor, gave her some beans, rice and a cup of water to play her heart out. Instead of being negative, just by this little effort, I got 20 minutes of mommy time while she happily played on her own.

Other times, it's about making sure we give our toddlers the tools and understanding they deserve to make better choices. I think this might be what you were asking? (aka how will he know what to do without punishment?) In this case, we have to remember that our toddlers are foreign visitors in our country. They are learning the language, the culture, the taboos, etc. If you've ever been to another country, you probably know what I'm referring to...the faux pas, the wrong word....it's hard!

For example, at the dinner table, when DD is not bored or done but still tosses her food or plate, I stay positive and polite, but reaffirm what she _can_ do. So scenario: she throws her plate. I say, "Oh, if you are done, please just pass the plate over to mommy." And then I pick up the plate and show her how to do it. If you have correctly spotted a moment when your toddler is ignorant, you will probably notice a sense of relief and comeradie. DD for example gets this look on her face like, "Phew, so that's how I should do it!" Maybe also a bit of embarrassment, too.

Another common situation is when toddlers are rough with babies or animals. Say he is pulling the cat's tail...you guide his hand over the cat's back and say, "Be gentle. Pet kitty like this."


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## Jend1002 (Feb 2, 2010)

Wow! These are all great suggestions. I have a similarly adventurous 18 month old and have questioned what to do. I usually try to redirect and talk about what he is feeling when he gets frustrated but there are some really great ideas in this post!


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

Another reminder (sorry if I'm hogging the thread) - I love the phrase "catch them being good". When my twins were little, and finally reached the point where they were actually playing together, I tried to ackowledge appropriate behavior, such as "I like the way you're taking turns with that toy" or "you're going down the stairs feet first - that's the safe way!" or "Thanks for using your inside voice". Sometimes it seems like we only pay attention when they're doing something wrong. When we catch them being good, not only are we paying attention when they are doing the right thing, but it reminds them that it IS the right thing to do.

I still do this with my 15-yr-olds, but it's more along the lines of noticing when they've done their chores - things like "You did a nice job mowing the lawn today".


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## coffeegirl (Jan 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nd_deadhead* 
Another reminder (sorry if I'm hogging the thread) - I love the phrase "catch them being good". When my twins were little, and finally reached the point where they were actually playing together, I tried to ackowledge appropriate behavior, such as "I like the way you're taking turns with that toy" or "you're going down the stairs feet first - that's the safe way!" or "Thanks for using your inside voice". Sometimes it seems like we only pay attention when they're doing something wrong. When we catch them being good, not only are we paying attention when they are doing the right thing, but it reminds them that it IS the right thing to do.

I like this, thanks.


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