# Okay Male nanny - manny? WDYT?



## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Okay I know this could be a babysitting/parenting question...
but I am thinking of hiring a live in for 4 months more of a house decluttering, life back on track, etc. I'm comming undone







I just need a mother's helper and so it got me thinking when the agency asked about a male aupair...

I know there is the obvious 'abuse' issues but I am not looking to have a person alone with my kids just there while I get stuff done watch baby so he doesn't climb stairs etc.

Now I thought my dh might be weirded out by a man in the house...
but really why is it 'different' from a hot young sexy girl?

I have two small boys.
I don't want a person to come in and do my stuff, really I still want to cook, clean etc. I just want an extra pair of arms and eyes so I can get what I need to get done.

And I know that the sexual abuse is more common with men around children but I have experienced the opposite as well....so

WDYT?


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Seeing how both DH and I were molested by men there is no way that we would have a male caregiver. We have never even used child care and only the most trusted family member or friend has ever watched them.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I understand that logic, but my dd was molested by a female friend.
So I don't necessarily associate sex with sexual abuse.....


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## Jennifer Z (Sep 15, 2002)

I wouldn't have an issue with it. I have a dh who is wonderful with kids, even before he was a dad. He has energy resources that outdo mine, so I can totally see him doing a great job with a couple of little boys.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Although there are more male sexual abusers and abuse cases... In childcare settings I found a study that said:
Finkelhor, Williams, and Burns (1988), in a national study of 270 day care cases, report that 40% of the perpetrators were women.

This has probably to deal with sexual abuse is a crime of opportunity and there are more female daycare providers...
http://www.ipt-forensics.com/journal/volume2/j2_4_1.htm

Oh I am so confused now...I know there is no safe person, no safe sex..
but balance.....ahhh.....


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

nanny cam, nanny cam, nanny cam.


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## littleaugustbaby (Jun 27, 2003)

It wouldn't bother me at all, but that's me personally. If it raises any alarms or makes you uncomfortable at all, I'd say it's not worth it.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

actually I would be more leary of a female .... past experiences I guess.
Nanny cam is always good but I am not looking to have the kids or the nanny out of my sight just where I am not the one who has to grab the wandering crawler...or do some work at the table while the kids play in the living room with me there. got taxes late late taxes so I can work around the kids but not well if I have to be getting up leaving someone to blow all those reciepts off the desk


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I have no issues with male child care providers whatsoever. I think it's a pretty uncool prejudice personally. (Sexual abuse histories aside of course....)


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Quote:

uncool prejudice personally
our last daycare was owned by a young guy - the stereotypes were aweful people assumed he was gay...weird. But gradually he got respected and by the time we left people were flocking with their boys - daycare with superheros I guess









I had a friend who loved kids and used to get so hurt at people's attitudes like as a woman I could offer to take a friends kid for icecream he said people would think he was a perv.... or sometimes people think men are incompetent.
lol.

we are what we chose to be!
My dh thinks he's a man cause he can do almost everything i can do but lactate and birth. Everything aside though I am not sure I'd get a full time nanny that would be home alone with my kids all day regardless of the sex.


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## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

It would bother me but I know I'm biased since I was sexually abused as a child by a male. Most statistics do show the majority of child molestors are men, of course there are women who do it too.

Even though I wouldn't be leaving my child alone with this person I would still be concerned. What if something happened to you, say you slipped while mopping the floors and you were unconcious. Said person would then be left alone with your children. Or what if this person physically attacked or raped you? Probably a little bit on the paranoid side but you never know. I'm just much more comfortable around women then men. But again, I'm biased.


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## hotmom (Jul 23, 2005)

Quote:

So I don't necessarily associate sex with sexual abuse.....
Accordng to Gavin de becker and statisticts, a child predator is 99% more likely to be a man than a woman. *From the book the gift of fear.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DestinysMama*
What if something happened to you, say you slipped while mopping the floors and you were unconcious. Said person would then be left alone with your children.

I understand the concern I suppose, but what if she slipped while mopping the floors and was unconcious with nobody there? Then the kids would be alone.







It's scary crap either way IMO. Parenting is freaky lol.


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## DesireeH (Mar 22, 2003)

I wouldnt have a problem with it either (well......I'd probably get a nanny cam but that goes for ANYONE!)

When we were kids we had a male babysitter a few times. He was super fun! We had a nasty molester FEMALE babysitter one time though, granted she did nothing to us cause I was older and had a big mouth and called my mom ASAP at work. My brothers HATED her from the moment she walked in the door, good senses they had!


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

I wouldn't have a problem with it. My ds1 just started babysitting and he's great at it!


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## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa*
I understand the concern I suppose, but what if she slipped while mopping the floors and was unconcious with nobody there? Then the kids would be alone.







It's scary crap either way IMO. Parenting is freaky lol.

I've worried about that too, but I worry about everything. I figured she meant she was going to have someone either way, in which case I would prefer a female to a male, even as a housekeeper. I just think women are more nurturing then men. I find it odd that a man would even want a job as a nanny (flame suits on)


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I don't understand the point of hiring someone if you are always going to be in the same room. If I were working on a massive decluttering I would need to spend time pulling stuff out of closets and cabnets, and it would be a lot easier to do that without a toddler going through it all. If I were paying someone to watch my kids, I'd want them to really be playing with my kids -- building things, making art, going outside -- not following me around while I did what I needed to do.


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## Harper (Jul 10, 2003)

I would be okay with it. It isn't easy to become an au pair. In their own country they have to go through interviews, english tests, medical exam and they also have to pay money to the agency. It seems like it would be a lot to go through if your goal was to come to the US to abuse someone's kids. There is a male au pair in my local au pair group and the parents are really happy with him. (He is also very popular with the rest of the au pairs!)


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

first you do need to be able to trust this person alone with your child. if you are hiring a live in for several months your child will be alone with them occaisionally. Especially if you have stuff you need to get done unless you are hiring more of a housekeeper than a nanny. even still I wouldn't hire anyone I wasn't comfortable leaving my children with for a couple of hours. If nothing else you will sleep and shower . . . .

Secondly I wouldn't hire a man. I was molested or physically abused by every male babysitter I had. enough already. and yes i realize I am prejudice and should judge each guy on his own merit but I can live with that.

then there is the whol this is someone I would be hanging out with a lot. I don't relate well to men really and would be uncomfortable spending that much time alone with a man. especially one that doted on my children.







i would be sure to get a crush on him (I can be such an idiot sometimes) I would rather have a woman that I could safely form a close friendship with. (I know my whole why can't you be close friends witha guy thing is backwards and oldfashion and thouroly discussed in the parents as partners forum. I have been flamed sufficiently don't worry about doing it here.)

so there are my thoughts. In short no I wouldn't do it for several reasons.


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## candipooh (Jun 22, 2004)

It wouldn't bother me at all. It would all depend on the vibe I got from them. (wither male or female)

I had a very good friend (male) who was a live in nanny. He was very good too.


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## matts_mamamama (Mar 19, 2004)

If the person is qualified, you like him (or her), the kids like him, then I guess I don't get the issue. Why assume there is potential for abuse instead of assuming the best? I would guess the person would play with your children and keep them occupied, taking care of them while you take care of other things, it hardly matters whether that person is male or female, to me.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

I'd have no problem with it. DS' babysitter is a guy and I love that DS is seeing first hand, through BF and his sitter that child care is not just women's work. It's important to me DS grows up knowing he is fully capable of being nurturing and loving and just as good a care giver for any children in his life as a woman would be.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Wouldn't bother me at all. DH babysat quite a bit as a teenager, but I never did. Kids weren't "my thing."


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

My feeling is this: hire somebody that you're comfortable with, that you trust, has good references, gets along well with the kids, etc. I see no reason why a woman would automatically be better in this role than a man would be.


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## UmmBnB (Mar 28, 2005)

There's another thread on this going now. I think it's in Working Moms. Might be worth checking out.

I'd echo the opinions of others who said that gender isn't really an issue - it's qualifications, how you hit it off and gut feeling.


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## katebleu (Feb 4, 2005)

one of my brothers worked as a nanny (we all called him a nanno) for a while a few years back when he was concidering a career in early childhood education, but he abandoned that career because of prejudices against men in childcare. he's great with kids, patient and calm. better than me, i think. i think it's a shame that people dismiss qualified men because of fear.


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## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DestinysMama*
I find it odd that a man would even want a job as a nanny (flame suits on)

Yeah, pretty weird- I've heard there are women who want to be mathematicians, too.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *srain*
Yeah, pretty weird- I've heard there are women who want to be mathematicians, too.









indeed And police officers, and mayors, and surgeons, and even construction workers. Imagine that...


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## umefey (Sep 10, 2004)

I wouldn't have a problem with it either.
It all depends on the person KWIM?


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## me&3 (Nov 29, 2001)

oops, double post


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## me&3 (Nov 29, 2001)

We actually have my husband's nephew watching our kids for a few weeks, while he's visiting in the country. He seems like a really nice guy (he's 21) and plays really nicely with the kids. He's a lot like my husband.

So in general, yes, I think it's fine.

But I can't say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind about abuse - but this is probably due to the fact that my dd (4 yo) was molested by the janitor in our synagogue last spring. She, thank God, is fine. I am still traumatized.

Sigh.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

One of my favorite and best daycare co-workers is a man.

It sounds like you're uncomfortable with the idea, so do yourself and the potential candidate a favor and just go with what you're comfy with. Good nannies are smart and able to read parents and kids really well, and it's not going to be a good situation for him if he knows that he not only has to prove himself like any other caregiver over the long term BUT that he is looked upon as one step from being a molester because of his gender.

Statistically, the men most likely to molest your children are related to them. So it's your brothers, fathers, cousins, uncles, grandpas and husbands that you have to keep more of an eye on.

I don't care what the gender of my mother's helper/caregiver is. Mostly that is because of Dave (my coworker) who helped me get over my "men are oblivious/unable to multitask/can't comfort kids and almost any woman will be superior to any guy". I noticed that (we often got the 'hard to handle' kids in our class because of our competant team) a lot of the boys in particular really loved and imitated his gentle, calm style of nurturing (though it wasn't feminine in the classic sense). And it certainly helped ME set higher standards for what I expected out of my future husband/father of my children in our relationship and THEIR relationship.

With ANY caregiving situation, you run the risk of abuse. The people who have been the most vicious abusers in my life have all been women. In fact, I personally felt less violated (not much, but a little) by the date rape I experienced than some of the psychological, insane, emotional abuse heaped on me by a female relative. However, you're going to be present most of the time. As a former nanny I can tell you that that will cut the number of potential abusers, because most nannies won't do the parent-at-home thing. The ones that do generally are the ones with nothing to hide, in my observation. So I think you have less to worry about with a female provider too.

But like I said, if you are just not going to be comfortable with a male provider, then don't force yourself to do it to be PC or because the agent is pressuring you to consider it. Your future nanny will definitely appreciate someone who's honest and open to them. If you're not able to be that way, then keep looking until you find somebody that clicks, as much as possible. Don't let *anyone*, under ANY circumstance force you into a situation where you're not going to be comfortable. The adjustment period where you're all getting used to each other can be awkward enough, without your employer being deeply suspicious and uncomfortable around you because of something that you have no power over. Chance are the nanny wouldn't stay in that situation anyway, and then you'd be back to square one.


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## me&3 (Nov 29, 2001)

Kitty, that was really well put. But I can't say it made *me* feel better!


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

What Tigerchild said.
BTW, the term for a male nanny (qualified childcare professional) is nanny, a male au pair is an au pair, a male mothers helper is a mothers helper. The three roles are different.
We have a very positive role-model in my boys lives- works at their kids club, has 20 years experience in childcare (he was involved in the early days of the adventure playground movement, amongst other things) and is one of those people who has a talent for getting on with children and being available to them- I know he's helped my youngest deal with some of his emotions around starting school just by listening to him when I wasn't there. He's also our (very occasional) babysitter- we tend to take the boys with us when we go somewhere, and I trust him with my children both on a one-on-one basis and in a group setting.
Is the agency giving you the opportunity to interview more than one candidate?


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## Willowrose (Jan 24, 2005)

Quote:

I find it odd that a man would even want a job as a nanny (flame suits on)
Well, to my knowledge, there are _male_ teachers in the schools. Some men enjoy working with kids.
I would probably be much more cautious with a woman. Either way, I'd get a nanny cam. I would have no problems with the nanny being a male. For every sexual abuse case you hear about commited by a man, there are shaken baby and physical abuse cases commited by women. Statistics wouldn't scare me into making a choice. I would go with my gut. Mothers instinct goes a long way.


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

Well, I was abused by a female babysitter, so I guess everyone is a suspect.

I think it depends on the individual. I knew a really nice guy that interviewed at my old daycare, wonderful guy. But he wasn't hired because he had a penis, and the boss didn't want to deal with parents freaking out. Its so sad, and so sexist.

Just use your gut instincts.


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## fire_lady (Aug 24, 2005)

I think there is nothing wrong with hiring male nanny since you have two boys. We can't really trust any body for our kids safety though if we continue this we can't find any help in taking care of them. Hire a male nanny if that suits you and to be assured of your childs safety have some nanny cam and always be observant.
Good luck to you.


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fire_lady*
I think there is nothing wrong with hiring male nanny since you have two boys.

Can you clarify this? Do you mean to say that it's okay to hire a male nanny for boys but not for girls? Men molest boys, too.

Anyway, that's not the point I wanted to make. I actually think that hiring a male nanny for boys is great as long as you trust the nanny (manny!) and feel comfortable with him. I think seeing a male in a nurturing role would have a great influence on your sons.

I don't think a nanny cam is a bad idea, but the only thing it can prove is that no abuse has taken place in front of the camera. I think you would learn more by remaining home with the nanny at first, and then popping in and out unexpectedly for a while, and then just by your child's behavior.

Of course I would check references and do a background check. Also, you may not know this, but if you have a person's name and address, you can check to see if they're on a sex offender registry. Of course, they would on;y be on a registry if they had been caught and convicted.

Gavin DeBecker's book has a great list of questions to ask babysitters and nannies. You should check it out. And yes, he does say that most sexual predators are men, but I agree with the person who said that that might be a skewed statistic because there may be a lot of women who work in childcare who abuse children and it never gets reported because the children are too young to tell, and because people rarely suspect women.

Good luck with whatever you choose!


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Go for it! I had a guy babysitter when I was a kid, and it rocked.

Namaste!


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

We're trying to get DH's little brother (he's 16 this summer) to come out and work for us next summer watching the girls. He's the best baby sitter we've had. He adores the girls and they adore him.

I'm seeing a lot of sexism here in this thread. I would be very careful about whomever I hire to do childcare for my kids, male or female.

Bec


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## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

I would just hire someone based on how I felt about it and the references.

My cousin used to babysit us and he was fine.

Some of the comments here really make me sad. My dear husband loves children and has babysat quite often.

I remember one time when we had lots of family members over at my parents place and my "niece" (first cousin once removed who we are really close to) was playing with him. He put her up on his shoulders and ran around the house with her SEVERAL times outside, going around and around, with her squealing "AGAIN!" each time. Finally he came inside just wiped out, and sat in the kitchen for a second with us.

The "adults" were busy bitching and gossiping about family members, and DH got up and went out on to the deck with dear niece and starting playing with my ponies with her, I was so pleased with him.... but my Mom shot this weird look after him, and I caught it. It made my heart sink: that nasty, nothing-can-be-nice look that I see from some people.

It's really too bad. I do understand some people being scarred from what happened in their past, but, saying that any man who would want to be a nanny is weird is really troubling to me. DH wouldn't want to be a nanny, but, he is really wonderful with children, and why should he be snarled at for that?


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

when my older son was born, i was still in college and had to hire someone to watch him for a few hours a day while i was in classes and his father and i could not get our schedules synced. we hired 2 male Indians (the college was very diverse and after moving to Boston, i was very grateful for that). the guys became very good friends and were excellent with my son. He loved them and had a great time. granted, there was really no feeding, bathing, putting to bed, etc. involved. the extent of the heavy duty came in the form of a bottle of breast milk (no mixing, etc.) and changing a diaper or two. with references and experience, however, i would have had no problem hiring them if i had to work full time at that point.
on another note, i hired a woman to watch my 2nd son after i lost one of our nannys (too long of a story). i paid her handsomely for several weeks until i found a replacement nanny and ended up staying home each day b/c i feared what her daughter would do to my son (she bit him in front of me). i almost lost my job b/c of that experience b/c i couldnt stomach staying at work all day while she watched my son.
i really really dont believe sex has anything to do with the care of a child as long as the person caring for the child really cares and is intent on doing a good job.
my experience in the last 15 years (next month, OMG!!), is that you should hire a person and stay in the house for a week (on and off) and periodically pop in. i am also not above the surveillance cameras. nothing to do with the sex of the caregiver..just my paranoia.
good luck in whoever you chose!
Rach


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I don't think it's weird. I would use the same tactics male or female. Check references and go with my gut.
I don't know any men in child care, but we have many married, childless friends. Interestingly, our male friends are totally into ds and their wives tend to appreciate ds more from a distance. They'll talk about how cute he is and talk to him, but it's our male friends who pick him as soon as they walk in the door and seem so natural with him







.

You're so lucky to get a helper.


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## craftykitty (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sharlla*
nanny cam, nanny cam, nanny cam.


Yeah that. I'm not too comfy with any nanny. I would need to have a nanny cam set up!


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

If I got good vibes from him, I would have no reservations.


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## Suprakid1982 (Sep 17, 2005)

Im SO glad I found this, as I was searching for agencies that have more success in placing male nannies as well as other articles.

So as a male preschool teacher who has worked with kids ages 10months-age 11. and is now a Mad scientist for a franchise known as mad science where I teach kids ages 2-11 (duh







) science, and am also in college finishing up my Bachelors degree In child development with an empasis on early childhood education and is also going to be a nanny after I graduate..( its on the back burner for now lol) I believe I should give my piece of advice to ____,

Do the same thing you would do if you were to hire a female babysitter.
That is:

1)talk to them,
2) give them a trial (a few days working with your kids while you watched), this would allow you and your potential nanny to get to know each other much better and to confirm his/her refrences replies(by this I mean this is your chance to see if their replies which according to them about the candidate were as good as they said he/she was)
3)nanny cams are an excellent way. Of keeping an extra eye on the person for a period of say 2 years (this will give you some time to get to know them even better even if they pass the trial) and then after those years according to your instincts if they can be trusted to be alone with the kids even more, basically now they are part of your family.
-further expanding on this part of the topic is: at the interview let he/she know that after the trial there will be nanny cams. If they are very objectionable to that, that will give you a slight waring because any child care provider like myself who truly cares about children knows that they are serving the family members, and that the reason they do that (nanny cams) is to ensure their child's safety. So if the child care provider objects to this this gives regards to their lack of common sense which is not a desirable aspect at all IMHO.

As for me, I would recommend nanny cams to my potential family if they have any concerns, suggested, implied etc. its to show the fact that yes I do truly care and understand their needs.

Furthermore, as to anyone who is wondering why I got to working with kids and why I am doing what I am doing today, well&#8230;&#8230;

Heres the condesed version (well sorta lol
-I love kids, why? They are quite fun, and I get to use all my talents and abilaties with them, such as my creativity high level of energy etc. in an environment where it was MUCH needed. in turn all that stuff is quite valuable to their development, especially in the early stages.
I also enjoyed the challenges put forth in that environment as well.

-I figured that since I wanted to become a pediatrician and a good/excellent one, I needed to get more traninig and become more experienced with the type of clientele I would be working with since you cant talk to say a 2 year old the same way you would to a 20 year old, a two year old's levels of understanding are not as concrete yet

Like susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and other fighters who sought justice and equality, and the release of sterotypes, and sexism, I wanted to be a ground breaker, to show that yes a true "man"(stereotypically defined as a strong person) is someone who is not afraid to take on any type of challenge, and that this type of work must be taken seriously for working with kids/caring for them is not just sit on your butt and do nothing, it is hard work!!

For those that think it is weird that a man would like or enjoy working with kids.. consider this..

A girl goes to join a foot ball team, and is confronted by the coach and the players as omg a girl wants to play football?! Girls cant play foot ball they aren't strong enough, GO PLAY WITH DOLLS OR SOMETHING!!

Scenario#2: (a real one btw): News announcer to shirly muldanowy first female drag racer: Whats a beautiful girl like you doing racing in a place like this?

Shirly: winning!

Scenario#3: a woman in the fifties, tries to get into a law firm, and is sexually harassed by the men, and/or is given the job only cause she is a woman.

The most known scenario:

A little girl gets a nurse kit, little boy gets a doctors kit. Little girl asks her mom why cant I get a doctors kit mommy? That's because only boys can be doctors honey, cause doctors are more stronger and nurses are more delicate and need a big strong man to help them. Etc. etc.

Get the picture?

What am I saying? Simply put: we tell our kids that they can be anything they want, but then why say that and not enforce it. Yes I can understand those of you who were molested by males at an early age and those that were abused physically by females at an early age, (I have friends who were as well)and that statistically males are abusers of children. BUT look also around you, if your married, or have b/fs does that mean that the father of your children are molesters as well? and as women you fought for equal rights, and a breaking the chain of sterotypes, I am doing the same but differently in the sense that we are harming our kids's minds, by being hypocritical to ourselves. I work with kids for the same reasons you would want to, and I want to have kids for the same reasons you would,

Im not being biased or flaming etc. but what I am saying is try to walk in their shoes, and see for yourself how hard it is.

More on my experiences later 

BTW im VERY glad that you bought up this discussion,


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

What a good response from a guy's perspective.


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## Suprakid1982 (Sep 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5*
What a good response from a guy's perspective.

thanks, i was actaully trying to put it on both prespectives, guys and gals cause i can kinda tell that is not easy for either(girls wanting to do traditionally guy things and vice versa)


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## tarakay (Aug 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla*
My feeling is this: hire somebody that you're comfortable with, that you trust, has good references, gets along well with the kids, etc. I see no reason why a woman would automatically be better in this role than a man would be.









:

And OT, but am I the only one that finds the term "manny" freaking hilarious? It makes me giggle!


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## Suprakid1982 (Sep 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tarakay*







:

And OT, but am I the only one that finds the term "manny" freaking hilarious? It makes me giggle!










quiet you


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## numom499 (Jun 12, 2005)

there was a "manny" at my son's preschool...my friend and I thought we came up with it...


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## Throkmorton (Jun 30, 2003)

I had a male mother's helper and it was great. He was younger, and just came over after school for some extra money but DS loved to have someone who would play legos, drive trains and take him outside to play soccer with him. Our female MH didn't totally "get" how to handle the boys and just seemed overwhelmed if my nephew was here too. I mean, that may be age or personality. I'm just saying that a person is not automatically good at child care based on their gender.

The sexism on this topic kind of suprises me, not just here but pretty much everywhere. One of my dear cousins took ECE classes for his career (he works with adults with special needs, and was hoping to transition to kids. Fewer broken noses that way) and during his practicum he heard plenty of snippy comments from parents at the daycare where he worked. One lady even pulled her DD out of the daycare until he was done his practicum. It bothered him so much, he decided to just stick to working with adults.


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## Mirzam (Sep 9, 2002)

I wouldn't have an issue with a "manny" at all. My son's preschool teacher is male and he is the coolest preschool teacher I have ever met. He buddist, he is gentle and extremely loving, he also has tons of young male energy that the kids love. He even taught my DS break dancing! I would love to have him as babysitter. My kids love him.

I have never been molested, neither have my children, so it wouldn't occur to me to even consider that an issue. For me its the person, not the sex of that person that is important.


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## BurgundyElephant (Feb 17, 2006)

I think it's interesting that it was said a nanny cam wasn't needed after two years.

I happened to catch Oprah where they talked about molesters and how they would invest a lot of time with a family before molesting the kid. TWO YEARS was the usual amount of time they said it took to build up the trust with the parents before they would start molesting the child.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Hey I think I am the original OP!!!

Abuse happens period.
I think when you think a woman won't sexually/physically abuse but a man would then you are on a slippery slope....
Anyone (family, strangers regardless of sex) can abuse a child period.

But for me my ds LOVES his female aupair....
but I wouldn't rule out a male aupair but I don't let anyone (ANYONE -except my mom, dad, sister and my dh) bathe my children. I don't have different rules for one sex or the other I think you have to be careful either way.

I am also home so its not the same level of opportunity for anyone, but know your children have an open honest relationship with them.


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## Brigianna (Mar 13, 2006)

If it were me, I wouldn't be comfortable with a live in of either sex, but especially not a man. This isn't a babysitter or houskeeper coming over for a few hours a day, this is *a strange man living in your house.* I wouldn't let a strange man live in my house even if I didn't have children! Temporarily setting aside the very real safety issues, would you really want to live with a strange man? Would you feel comfortable loafing around in a bathrobe or something with a strange man there? Would your husband want you living with a strange man? Since you have boys I woudn't worry about sexual issues with your kids, but still. I just wouldn't do it.


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## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brigianna*
I wouldn't let a strange man live in my house even if I didn't have children!

I wouldn't let a strange woman live in my house, either. Presumably you'd get to know them before trusting them with your children....


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## Leatherette (Mar 4, 2003)

I had a great male babysitter as a kid. My sister has a male nanny for her son. He also teaches swimming classes for infants and is working on his masters in child development. My roommate in college was a guy working on his elementary ed credentials, and he was amazing with kids.

Our family has had many positive experiences with men in nurturing roles. I wouldn't rule a person out for being male.

My sister's son was 30+ pounds at 6 months, and she needed a nanny with enough upper body strength to lift him, because she didn't want her son to be in a bouncy seat or propped up with pillows all the time. So while she had reservations based on his male-ness at first, she trusts him implicitly as an individual, and he takes her son out to a lot of places and wears him, which is hard for her to even do.

I have enjoyed working with male elementary teachers as a teacher myself. I think men can be wonderful with small children, and it is sad that they are so underrepresented in the "caring professions" because of fear.

That said, if you feel uncomfortable with something, don't do it.

L.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Quote:

*a strange man living in your house.*
ooh well if bil ever wants to stay at our house can I use that one?

Quote:

I wouldn't let a strange man live in my house even if I didn't have children! Temporarily setting aside the very real safety issues, would you really want to live with a strange man? Would you feel comfortable loafing around in a bathrobe or something with a strange man there? Would your husband want you living with a strange man? Since you have boys I woudn't worry about sexual issues with your kids, but still. I just wouldn't do it.
I guess if you do those things it might impact. Most societies that have servants do this, (even ones that have strict taboos on men and women) its not a strange man its an 'employee', if we were uncomfortable having men when our husbands weren't home....repairmen, cable guys...

Why would you only worry about

Quote:

Since you have boys I woudn't worry about sexual issues with your kids
pedophiles its a disease that affects both men and women and their targets can be specific genders, specific ages or not. Its a rape/control/violence/domination perversion...


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Hire the person you are most comfortable with, weather that be a male or female. Interview several people, do second and third interviews, and see who you connect with best. Even though you will be home most of the time, you need a nanny that you feel completely comfortable with. Then eventually you can go out to run errands and leave the kids with the nanny if you want to.

Don't be worried about hurting anyone's feelings by not having them back for a second interview. If you are not comfortable with a male nanny then let the nanny agency know now, it will save you all time and spare any wasted interviews.


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## Brigianna (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
ooh well if bil ever wants to stay at our house can I use that one?

I guess you can use whatever you want, but I'm making a distinction between family and employee.

Quote:

I guess if you do those things it might impact. Most societies that have servants do this, (even ones that have strict taboos on men and women) its not a strange man its an 'employee', if we were uncomfortable having men when our husbands weren't home....repairmen, cable guys...
Well, not all societies have the employee exemption, but I'm talking about what you would be comfortable with in your family, not social standards. I personally would not live in the same house with a strange man no matter what the society, employee or not. And there is a big difference between a repairman coming over for an hour in the middle of the afternoon, and a man *living* there.

Quote:

Why would you only worry about pedophiles its a disease that affects both men and women and their targets can be specific genders, specific ages or not. Its a rape/control/violence/domination perversion...
I wasn't talking about pedophilia or molestation, but more like sexual modesty. Pedophilia is a whole other issue. Although I don't think it's true that it's mostly about violence and control--it certainly is in some cases, but many pedophiles sincerely believe, in their own twisted minds, that they are expressing love for the children. A lot of these cases don't even involve violence at all.


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## Brigianna (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *srain*
I wouldn't let a strange woman live in my house, either. Presumably you'd get to know them before trusting them with your children....

Right, I wouldn't let a stranger of either sex take care of my kids. But I have lived with strange women before--it wasn't ideal, but there is *no way* I would have lived with a man. I was separating them into 2 issues: letting a man baby-sit and letting a man live in your house. Sorry if that was ambiguous.


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## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

You realise that the same logic that makes a male nanny a manny would make a female nanny a fanny, right?


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## SJane01 (Feb 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sharlla*
Seeing how both DH and I were molested by men there is no way that we would have a male caregiver. We have never even used child care and only the most trusted family member or friend has ever watched them.

this stereotype scares me, but I understand fully where it comes from.

As for the OP, I think if you are going to hire someone you do not know personally and know their integrity as a person for your own self, then you should do a background check and seek references. If I was in this situation I think a male nanny for young boys would be preferable over a female nanny, vice versa.

To add to this, a family member on my husbands side had 4 children, all boys. They had a male live in nanny for 7 years. The parents was both rather busy lawyers and both did not have a lot of time to deal with everything, and they did not expect twins on the last set of kids, but they got them so they hired the nanny. As the Nanny got older and graduated college himself they all decided that with the eldest being mature and old enough to help out, that they would depart ways, and to this day 5 years latter, the guy is still friends with the family and still takes part in family events.

If you have the funding to do so, and if your not able to give the care to your kids that you know you need to do, this option is a very good option that can have a lot of benefits, but dont let the nanny be the parents of our kids, make sure that you always spend time with your kids and know that you are there for your kids and that your kids are your most important priority in life.


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## Suprakid1982 (Sep 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Throkmorton*
I'm just saying that a person is not automatically good at child care based on their gender..

SO true and im not agreeing with that just cause im a male,heck id do the same if i was female or if i was a parent(and wheni am)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Throkmorton*
The sexism on this topic kind of suprises me, not just here but pretty much everywhere. One of my dear cousins took ECE classes for his career (he works with adults with special needs, and was hoping to transition to kids. Fewer broken noses that way) and during his practicum he heard plenty of snippy comments from parents at the daycare where he worked. One lady even pulled her DD out of the daycare until he was done his practicum. It bothered him so much, he decided to just stick to working with adults.

then your gonna LOVE this one,recently there was a posting on craigs list of a woman who got this email from an obviously suspicious guy and started her post in response to how people were outraged that she would think that all males who wanted to work as a nanny full time was a pedophile. it was deleted unfortunatly. Iposted my rant up here but that also got deleted cause it was linking to another site, i didnt bother to go on cause it not only was so long but I got a wee bit angry.

I especially loved her positings like this:

"Women tend to be more nurturing than men when it comes to babysitting or being a "nanny." "Women have natural instincts with children, for obvious reasons, and it's only reasonable that many families are indeed only seeking a female nanny for their family"

my response to her was:Funny so I have the natural instinct as do many of my male friends when they see anyone (adult or child not theirs or their own) in trouble or someone they don't know comes up to them, they react buy getting the kids away from danger quickly, and comforting them. Furthermore I have always had the instinct of knowing when one of my charges was hungry or not, or if they needed to be held, etc. sooo what were those families being un reasonable? So whats so obvious about that? Oh yeah wait the guy who is more nurturing torwards kids is probably cause hes a pedophile or hes gay&#8230; right&#8230;. and im Nigerian royalty..

i also was a preschool teacher, but i decided to go with the nanny route cause i was sick and tired of how the staff treated me, like as if i was gonna get them in trouble or something if i changed a diaper, as well as how they thought i was disturbing cause i let the kids sit on my lap during story time if they wanted to, or if i was very energetci and played with them during outside time, or if i got dramatci during story time, i thgoht i was doing my job, which was teaching youing children in the way they they would resopond to best.

Yet the parents tho were great, and always gave me kudos saying its so great to have a male here etc. i didnt put myself higher or lower than my fellow co-workers tho. As for the whole males not being able todiaper thing alot if not all the parents told me that was BS, especially when one parent heard about it after i told her that her daughter had not gotten changed after 20 mins cause i had to wait for a girl to come and do it, her response was. male or female i dont care, when my child needs to be changed I want them changed now!

With the nanny route, i was able to pretty much do what i got into the feild of ECE to do and that is focus on doing my job of teaching kids through interactive and fun games etc. based on their intrests and being a postive role model to the, as well as focusing on knowing if i was meeting the expectations of the parents needs as well, and above all no more competition with staff members of whose not doing whose job etc.

I do however hope to be a kindergarten teacher if law school isnt going up my alley, im going with kindergarten teaching cuase well, the pay is much better, (hey i do need to make a living eh? lol) in public school settings. i dont have to worry about getting fired for someting as silly as getting down to a child's level and giving them a hug. yet ill still be able to work with the age group i know im good at (well one of them lol) However if there is a 2year old-prek program in any public school ill defintly go!


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## KayasMama04 (Feb 4, 2006)

I don't judge someone by their sex, if I felt comfortable with him and dd loved him why not? A few weeks ago I had a 12yr old boy watching dd while I went out. Nothing happend except he ate a lot of my food but dd loved him being here so hes on my babysitter list. I see nothing wrong with it at all, but I would make sure their is a background check. DH doesn't really care boy/girl as long as I am comfortable.

Wanted to add men have "natural" instinct also...My friend Alberto loves kids and is great with them no problem and would help without being asked to. DH is the same way when my friends bring over their kids he would play with them and entertain them so I could hang out with my friend.


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## GotKids? (Aug 31, 2005)

I honestly think it depends on the person-- male or female. Some are good, some are not. some are scary, some are not. surely this male nanny would have references? Or at least a reputation through others who've used him? (I guess that's references, no?







)

If he was reputable and trustworthy, I'd have no problem whatsoever.


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