# Loss: Not a child,but the ability to ever bear one.



## Etoile (May 8, 2002)

I debated posting this in Pregnancy and Birth loss for a long time and was concerned it may be disrespectful to the members of that forum as I have not lost a child but instead the possibility of ever bearing one. However, I got feedback from some members of this board that it would be okay to seek support here.

This is my story (reposted from a thread in Infertility).

Quote:

I have been married for five years to the most incredibly kind and sweet man in the world. We have wanted children from the very beginning and have been "not not trying" for years. In March we decided to TTC for real, I am quite overweight but have been losing steadily and have lost almost 50 pounds since December.

Approximately June 1, I was diagnosed with a huge (25cm X 25cm) mass in my abdomen. June 15 I went in for surgery, with the understanding that they would be removing one ovary but would almost definitely be able to leave the other one, or at least a part of it. I came out of surgery to find out that there were actually three masses (the 25cm one, another 14cm one and another that I'm not clear on), a hernia, massive scarring and adhesions on my uterus and colon, that my bowel was extremely close to being obstructed, and that they had removed both my ovaries. I am now about to turn 32 (next monday) in surgical menopause with no possibility of ever bearing a child.
As you can imagine, I am devastated.

Things have been getting better as it has been about 6 weeks now, for weeks I was crying for hours every day now I can sometimes go a day or two without crying. However, especially because of the age I'm at, pregnancy and babies are totally inescapable for me and it is very, very hard. I have had bad crying jags over the past week on three occasions:

1. at a networking/marketing meeting which I must go to for work, one woman is big-pregnant, one brought her baby with her, one kept talking about her 1-year-old and one man was showing off pictures of his new baby. (I was able to hold it together until the end of the meeting--probably because I have to for my job.)

2. I went to church for the first time since the surgery and our guest musician (10 minutes into the service) sang a song about how she was changed spiritually after her pregnancy and childbirth. (this caused me to have to leave the service and sit in the lobby and bawl for 45 minutes).

3. Last night I had to leave my dear friend's (who is 6 months pregnant) birthday party when our other friend who we've known since high school arrived and announced her pregnancy with much screaming and excitement. Cried the entire 45 minute drive home, luckily my husband was driving.

I feel like I can't be in social situations anymore since this is so ever-present. Not only does it feel like they are twisting the knife in my heart but it's embarrassing!

I am so tired of hearing that I should be grateful it wasn't cancer, that I should be grateful I have my wonderful husband, we can still adopt etc etc. Of course I am grateful for those things but it doesn't make this any less painful. The husband part--while I adore him and he is of great support for me, in a way he's part of the problem because if we weren't so in love I wouldn't want a child so badly, and feel so guilty that I couldn't give that to him. And, adoption is extremely expensive and a large, scary process. By current estimates we will need to save up for 3 years before even being able to apply to adopt. IVF/egg donor or embryo adoption: even more expensive and not only that but you could drop tens of thousands of dollars, it doesn't work and you still end up with no child.

Last night's situation made me so mournful for the loss of any excitement I can ever have about having a child. I won't be able to excitedly announce a pregnancy, have a baby shower without fear, etc etc. While I need to have faith that we will eventually have a child, until the adoption is final there's always a pretty big chance that it will fail and we will have to start over.

I also feel like everyone I care about is passing me by--by the time we do have a child, if we ever get to have one, everyone I care about will already be past it, my child won't have any "cousins" his or her age...

So that's my story. Thanks for your "ear".


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

I am so sorry.

One thing that I think has helped me (after over a year of IF and one miscarriage) is to just totally let go of the idea that anyone can plan their lives or their families. The way I wanted it is just not the way it happened. Once I finally came to terms with that it was like a huge weight just lifted off of me.

But it may be a long, long time before you come to a similar place. Take it slow, and give yourself the time you need to grieve. Take care of yourself.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Couldn't read and not post.

HUGS

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I can't even imagine how hard that must be. Infertility is one of my worst nightmares. I have had two losses and now have one beautiful ds (who was born with a life threatening heart defect). I have also been diagnosed with endometriosis and it scares me to think of what that might mean when we try to TTC number 2.

Anyway, our stories are different but I know how you feel in terms of how everyone says things like, "well at least blah blah" If only people understood that it doesn't help to just make the person feel guilty. What helps is when people acknowledge the pain you are going through.

And with that, I want to say I acknoledge your pain, it is real pain, and it's okay to feel however you feel. I do hope and wish you best







hugs again.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I do think it's okay that you post here. You've lost your dreams of pregnancy and that is a very deep loss. I have some friends who have wanted children for years and then found out that it was physically impossible for the wife to carry a child. They were devastated and we talked in great detail after my son was stillborn last year about the similarities in grief we were going through. They are going through the adoption process now (the waiting part of it still) and it doesn't seem as expensive as I always thought it would be. It seems like 12K or something? Which of course is still a TON, but sounds more do-able than 30-40K. Let it all sink in and then reach out to others in your exact situation, they'll be able to fully understand the pain you and your husband are going through.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

I'm very sorry









Btw, this _is_ a very big loss and it definitely does deserve to be in this forum.


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## ArtsyHeartsy (Nov 11, 2008)

I don't have any experience to share, but I do feel that this is a loss that can be empathized with in this forum. I am very, very sorry for your loss, I am the same age as you and I understand the "passing by" feeling, watching everyone else have kids, and not feeling my body is working, but I know that someday, no matter how, we will all have the completed family we want whether through treatments, adoption, whatever works for our family....

If anything else, we can all understand the feeling of sorrow when seeing pregnant women and new babies.







It's hard.

I wish you luck, and again I'm sorry for your loss.


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## GearGirl (Mar 16, 2005)

Oh Etoile, I am so sorry. Your words about loving your husband and wanting to have a child with him are so beautiful.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Etoile* 
I am so tired of hearing that I should be grateful it wasn't cancer, that I should be grateful I have my wonderful husband, we can still adopt etc etc. Of course I am grateful for those things but it doesn't make this any less painful. The husband part--while I adore him and he is of great support for me, in a way he's part of the problem because if we weren't so in love I wouldn't want a child so badly, and feel so guilty that I couldn't give that to him. And, adoption is extremely expensive and a large, scary process. By current estimates we will need to save up for 3 years before even being able to apply to adopt. IVF/egg donor or embryo adoption: even more expensive and not only that but you could drop tens of thousands of dollars, it doesn't work and you still end up with no child.

Last night's situation made me so mournful for the loss of any excitement I can ever have about having a child. I won't be able to excitedly announce a pregnancy, have a baby shower without fear, etc etc. While I need to have faith that we will eventually have a child, until the adoption is final there's always a pretty big chance that it will fail and we will have to start over.

I also feel like everyone I care about is passing me by--by the time we do have a child, if we ever get to have one, everyone I care about will already be past it, my child won't have any "cousins" his or her age...

So that's my story. Thanks for your "ear".

So - I was one of the ones in the other board - and Im so glad you came here - you will find much love and support here.
There are several things I want to say and they are kind of out of order - but bear with me!

1. Adoption doesn't have to be a big scary, expensive process. We adopted our daughter through CPS at 13mths and haven't looked back. She is beautiful, smart, perfect really - and shows know signs of having anything lingering from her past. It's very rewarding to adopt. And adopting through CPS cost us $500. That is it. For our lawyer. And we get to deduct it from our taxes. In fact - CPS often pays YOU for caring for the child up until adoption date.

2. That being said - Adoption isn't a replacement for the feelings of wanting to have a child. For many years (4 actually) I never felt any desire to have a baby of my own. I just loved my daughter so completely and felt so blessed to have her and vehemently denied to anyone who said " Oh but don't you want to experience it just once!? (and I still feel completely in love - and blessed dont get me wrong)
But there are things I started missing. Like the fact that I never got to feel a little life moving in my belly. I never got to experience the act of birth, or to see what a baby made of the two of us would look like. I will never awe over whose nose baby has, or experience the rewards of a nursing relationship. And I truly started GRIEVING over the loss of those esperiences as I had intended to get a hysterectomy done. U
We are now trying for a baby - but the point of my saying this - it to let you know that for some adoption solves all - and for some you still have a lot of feelings to work through. A LOT. And it's hard. Cause then you are in waiting rooms with your baby and everyone is talking about their birth and then they look to you - and what do you say? You say they are adopted and either they go quiet or they ask you 800 questions.

I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. And I hope that with time and love that you can move towards healing and making amends with the trauma of this situation. I do hope you find your path to motherhood - and feel free to PM me if you do go adoption route and need to talk about those other feelings









(((hugs)))


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## Mrs_Lurker (Aug 23, 2006)

I know I don't understand, but I do care. I'm so sorry you're faced with such different options than what you'd hoped and dreamed.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your grieving heart.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

sweetie, im a mama with a loss and ive ALWAYS said infertility or the inablility to have a child is a loss. i cant imagine a mama not thinking that. all my love to you.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry. So many of the situations you described would have sent me crying too.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry








Of course you should be here. I've lost two babies - one early and one at term - and I think you have suffered the most profound loss I can imagine. I'm sorry you have to hear people talking about pregnancies and babies when it's all so fresh.
Have you considered seeing a therapist experienced in infertility and babyloss? I did and it really helped me to have someone that I could unload my rawest and ugliest emotions on and who told me that it was a normal, healthy part of grieving to feel that way.


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## someonenamedleah (Jul 23, 2009)

Sara,

Oh hun I wish I could give you the biggest hug! I think that of course you should post here! I can't speak for everyone, but I think I mourn not so much for the babies I lost, as I know they're ok somewhere and while they were with me they knew only love and none of the pain that life brings. What I mourn, really, is the loss of what my life SHOULD be, what I expected things to be like. The loss of the person I was, who didn't make herself crazy every month ttc (we have IF issues as well), the me who could be around babies without crying, who could happily hear about friends pregnancies, who could imagine pregnancy as a happy time and not filled with fear.

So, yes I think your loss is just as real. Although you didn't lose a baby in the same way i did, you've lost the babies that you thought you'd have, and I think that's just as hard.

And, we're currently going through the adoption process... as pp said, there are a lot of less expensive options. But it is a lot to go through. PM me if you want to talk about it!

leah, mom to Delilah, 8 and angel Stephen 5/25/09


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss. The one thing I've learned is that people suck at grief -- they just don't know how to handle those who are grieving, don't understand its multifacetedness (e.g. that it's possible to be happy for someone and still triggered by their happiness), and above all else, they just do not know what to say. They just don't. That doesn't make it ok or easy to deal with.

I haven't had the experiences you have, but I know this - you are allowed to grieve on your terms. And should. It's a tremendous loss and I'm sorry that those around you aren't acknowledging it in the ways that they should.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

That is a HUGE loss! After my dd was born in March via emergency c-section, I was SO scared that it might've affected my ability to have more children in the future. I totally understand what a huge loss losing that ability would be.







I think you'll find this to be a wonderful support forum, the ladies here have helped me through the hardest time in my life.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

i'm so very sorry for your loss. that's huge! i read that they removed your ovaries and in my head, i was saying no no no! like alternamama, i had an unplanned c-section with my stillborn son and i live in fear that my parts were ruined. so while i don't know what it's like to be exactly where you are, i completely support you in being here and can only imagine the pain and grief you are going through.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

This forum is about the loss of our hopes and dreams of a child(ren). Each one of us has had that dream yanked from us in some way or another. So you definitely belong here.























I'm so sorry.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

Wow that is such a massive thing to deal with. You're struggling to deal with the loss of all future children rolled into one. We'll provide as much support as we can. Feel free to get all the crazy thoughts out on here, there's not much crazy that hasn't already been shared or thought of by all of us.

I absolutly do not know where to begin, I imagine you're grieving but without a body or funeral to grieve over. There's a post on this forum when someone had a balloon release, would somethign like that help you at some point when you feel up to it? Or alternatively memory jewelry?

I know it's hard to be positive but there are people on here who've mentioned adoption and there being other avenues which may not be as expensive. You've so many women here and in the adoption forum who can offer advice when you're up to it. IN the meantime do whatever you need to keep yourself as sane as possible. Don't think you have to feel happy it's not cancer, feel angry, feel very angry. How you 'should' feel, is not how you will feel. THe road to recovery after such a blow is a hard one.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss








for the babies that can not be


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Sara, many







s.
I am so sorry.
This is a wonderful, supportive group.
Welcome.


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## Pinoikoi (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Etoile* 
And, adoption is extremely expensive and a large, scary process. By current estimates we will need to save up for 3 years before even being able to apply to adopt. IVF/egg donor or embryo adoption: even more expensive and not only that but you could drop tens of thousands of dollars, it doesn't work and you still end up with no child.

I am really sorry for your loss.

Have you started going to the adoption forum (since that seems to be a route you are looking into?) I have posted there quite a bit although not recently. Our adoption was very different than this. Pm me if you like. The mamas on that forum are very helpful, also.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

I'm so sorry honey...that's terrible









I think it's important for you to give yourself time to be ANGRY about this, and time to be sad and just experience all the feelings of grief and loss.

You have every right to the feelings you are having.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)




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## HeatherAtHome (Apr 4, 2009)




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## SLOgirl (Jan 13, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss. It's absolutely devastating. I know that nothing I can say could make it any easier, but I did want to share a story of hope with you...

Our next door neighbors had told us when we first moved into our house and went over to introduce ourselves that they were expecting (they had just found out and were excited to share the news). That was four years ago. We're not terribly close with them, but it became evident that the pregnancy wasn't progressing. One day I was talking with the husband over the fence (we both garden), and he mentioned something had come up and they had no hope of ever having a child of their own.

A few months later, we met again by the mailbox, and he was talking about how they were saving up for adoption, but that it was a long process and he was worried about the time and expense.

Then, as we were both working in the front yard about 6 months ago, and I noticed a crib box in his garage, he told me what happened.

They had been devastated when they learned they couldn't have children. They were having difficulty getting the funds together for traditional adoption, so they had been looking into overseas adoption. They were talking with some friends at church (they attend regularly) about the whole process, and a woman who worked for the church overheard. As it turned out, she worked with a pro-life group that supported teens through pregancy, and she had a mother who had recently given birth and they were looking for a home for the baby. By chance they had found a little girl in need of a home! Without the stress of traditional adoption! Emma is now our toddling little next door neighbor...

So don't be afraid to share your story. You never know what may turn up. And if you don't want to do the traditional adoption route, you can check with centers or churches in your area, or even register with CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) or Social Services to foster infants. In many cases the children are available for adoption once the court preceedings finish, and you have them nearly from the get go. My FIL was an OB at a clinic in a major city where many of the children went straight to CASA or direct to foster homes through the courts as the mothers were drug addicts and therefore not allowed to take the babies home. If the mother consents--as they often did in his hospital, adoption is a possiblity at this point as well.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you and your dear husband have the opportunity to share your love with a child someday soon...


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## Etoile (May 8, 2002)

Thank you all so much. I am overwhelmed by your responses. You are so kind--thank you, thank you.

Quote:

Have you considered seeing a therapist experienced in infertility and babyloss? I did and it really helped me to have someone that I could unload my rawest and ugliest emotions on and who told me that it was a normal, healthy part of grieving to feel that way.
Actually by divine coincidence, my therapist had a hysterectomy at age 22 and eventually adopted a daughter. So she understands exactly what I'm going through, which is good. But I have only seen her once since the surgery, and I try to avoid going more than once a month because of cost (especially with my yarn habit right now, knitting is my obsession as it takes my mind off things).

The mamas who have adopted, I am going to PM you for more details. My fear about trying to do it through CPS is that I don't know if I could handle having a child taken back from me. In our area it appears that fostering is the only way to adopt through CPS and I've heard about 50% of children go back to their birth homes. I already feel broken, and I don't know if I could live through that.

Adoption seems so remote to me right now. For one I have to lose quite a bit of weight (at least 100 pounds) , I'd never pass the health screening, or, realistically, have the energy to keep up with a toddler. Our home is nowhere near ready for a home study. We have to save up the money... etc.

Quote:

Oh hun I wish I could give you the biggest hug! I think that of course you should post here! I can't speak for everyone, but I think I mourn not so much for the babies I lost, as I know they're ok somewhere and while they were with me they knew only love and none of the pain that life brings. What I mourn, really, is the loss of what my life SHOULD be, what I expected things to be like. The loss of the person I was, who didn't make herself crazy every month ttc (we have IF issues as well), the me who could be around babies without crying, who could happily hear about friends pregnancies, who could imagine pregnancy as a happy time and not filled with fear.
This is EXACTLY right. When I cried all the way home from the party after my friend announced her pregnancy, part of what made me so profoundly sad was knowing I would never be able to do that. Even if we are able to eventually adopt I will not be able to have the excitement and joy of a pregnancy, and would probably not really allow myself to be excited about an adoption until it was final. No baby showers, no ultrasound, no people commenting and being excited for me, no "baby here" t-shirts. And I do feel like I've lost the person I was... like my life split at that moment and there is the Before Sara, who was happy and hopeful, and the After Sara.

Yesterday I went to get a facial & massage from a gift certificate--trying to relax and forget everything--and the G-D'mned massage therapist would not stop talking for the whole thing, as soon as she found out what had happened (I shouldn't have said anything--DUH--but I had to put the recent surgery on the massage questionnaire). She kept asking about adoption, and surrogacy, and said insensitive crap like you can have mine---and I don't remember, some other thing about how I'd never have to deal with x (something about pregnancy, I don't know).

Plus she had her 5-year old with her who kept talking to me in the waiting room.

Then today my friend said, at least now you can have sex all you want and not worry about getting pregnant.

WTF?

Um, why would I WORRY ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT???????

To be totally honest it's the opposite--I am a little afraid to have sex now because I feel like all I will be able to think about is that it can't have the intended effect. We were so happy to be trying and DTD more than we had in years.

Crap... I'm crying again... I am so sick of this.


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## Pinoikoi (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Etoile* 

The mamas who have adopted, I am going to PM you for more details. My fear about trying to do it through CPS is that I don't know if I could handle having a child taken back from me. In our area it appears that fostering is the only way to adopt through CPS and I've heard about 50% of children go back to their birth homes. I already feel broken, and I don't know if I could live through that.

Adoption seems so remote to me right now. For one I have to lose quite a bit of weight (at least 100 pounds) , I'd never pass the health screening, or, realistically, have the energy to keep up with a toddler. Our home is nowhere near ready for a home study. We have to save up the money... etc.

We adopted domestically (newborn), not out of the foster care system, and it still did not cost that much. $3000 total (about $250 out of pocket). And our homestudy guy had 4 kids at home and he told us that as long as there is a path through the house (which is the way his house is he said) we would be fine.

My dp had tuberculosis, which I thought would be our greatest stumbling block, but the courts still approved him.. it has its own slot on the adoption form in our state, so I knew it was a sticky wicket.. so we had health issues as well..


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Oh mama, I cannot even imagine. I am so very sorry and my heart breaks for you.







s


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