# My best friend spanks!



## mama2walden&luna (Jun 29, 2005)

This is really tugging at my heartstrings. My best friend spanks her ds. He's 3 1/2 and I know that she and her husband have been spanking for awhile now. It started as slaps on the hand when he started crawling. For instance, if her would go over to something that he wasn't supposed to touch, or that could hurt him, he would get a slap on the hand. As he got old enough to walk, it progressed to a single swat on the rear. Eventually, it moved on to a full blown spanking. She told me that it was for times when he was putting himself in danger, like running out in the street or climbing up on something unsafe. They have another ds, who is about 8 months old now, and I wonder if he is getting hand slaps yet for simply exploring his home.








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I don't know what to do. It is affecting me in a very strong way. In fact, so much so, that I've stopped wanting to spend time with her. I mean, this is a woman who has a masters degree in fine arts and teaches at a university. I would expect her to be smart enough and creative enough to find a different, more compassionate, and more effective method of discipline. I know that education shouldn't really make a difference. It just appalls me that someone who has taken such great steps to refine her life is resorting to such a barbaric practice as spanking!

What really gets me is, when she tells about spanking her ds, she says things like, "I told him not to climb in the baby's crib (they don't cosleep). I told him that if he did it just one more time, he would get a spanking. Of course, he did it, so I spanked him. And he was just devestated (giggle) and had a little crying fit. But he hasn't done it again!" It just floors me!! Why on earth would anyone want to devestate their child?

I just don't know what to think or what to do. Even though we're best friends, we have always had a strict, unspoken code about not butting in to each other private affairs. Although she did try pretty hard to convince me that I needed to send my dd to "mother's day out" a few days a week, even though I choose to be a SAHM, and now I'm a WAHM. She's a firm believer that parents need time away from their kids to "get things done." Please, I get enough done, thank you. Then at a party, she made a sarcastic comment about me. Something like, "Oh no, she would NEVER put her in daycare, heavens no!" Like she's offended because I don't want to spend time away from my dd. As if my parenting style is an insult to her?
It's just confusing. Has anyone been in a similar situation?







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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

That is pretty much how my parents parented, although our spankings weren't frequent...no one is going to like my saying this but I really think your friend parents the way most people do. I don't like it, I don't do it myself, but if I took issue with or tried to correct everyone who did it, I'd be a. busy and b. friendless.

My best friend does spank, and it sounds very much along the lines of how your friend does. She loves her boys very much, they love her, and IMO she's never crossed the line into angry spanking or abuse. She's just doing what her parents did. Would I love it if she didn't spank? Of course! When she asks my opinion on things (M won't stop doing X and I don't know what to do) I sympathize and suggest something non-spanking (without mentioning DO THIS INSTEAD OF SPANKING).

I think sometimes if you question a person on something like this, it just leads them to get defensive and dig in and then they don't hear what you have to say or really see what you're doing. Sometimes parenting your butt off in your gentle way is the very best thing you have to offer.


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## flyingspaghettimama (Dec 18, 2001)

I had a very good friend who spanked, and now we're not friends anymore. At a certain point, it became hard to explain her behavior to my own child, and they did spank in public places as well. I tried modelling other options, and telling her that I'd been spanked as a child and made it my own imperative to never, ever spank my child because I still remember the sadness and hurt resulting. I gave her books after she admitted that a) it didn't work long-term and b) that she was giving to rage too often and felt as though she was breaking their spirits.

I feel sad for the friendship (we mostly hung out sans kids) ending, but it became increasingly difficult to reconcile her behavior, for me. I personally feel as though she might've been someone happier with no children or only one. She often complained about her kids and felt inadequate about her childrearing capabilities. It was sad. But I couldn't do much else to either help or stand by to observe the oncoming trainwreck...


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
That is pretty much how my parents parented, although our spankings weren't frequent...no one is going to like my saying this but I really think your friend parents the way most people do. I don't like it, I don't do it myself, but if I took issue with or tried to correct everyone who did it, I'd be a. busy and b. friendless.

My best friend does spank, and it sounds very much along the lines of how your friend does. She loves her boys very much, they love her, and IMO she's never crossed the line into angry spanking or abuse. She's just doing what her parents did. Would I love it if she didn't spank? Of course! When she asks my opinion on things (M won't stop doing X and I don't know what to do) I sympathize and suggest something non-spanking (without mentioning DO THIS INSTEAD OF SPANKING).

I think sometimes if you question a person on something like this, it just leads them to get defensive and dig in and then they don't hear what you have to say or really see what you're doing. Sometimes parenting your butt off in your gentle way is the very best thing you have to offer.











I know that when more "traditional" parents (family members usually) try to persuade me to do what they do, I get very defensive and upset. CIO is the biggest one that comes up as everyone in our family thinks we're insane for bf'ing a 9 month old at night.







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Anyway, I would imagine that your friend's sarcastic comment about you not using daycare is just what you think it is - her way of affirming her own decisions and behaviors when it comes to parenting. I think this can arise easily when two people choose very different paths in parenting practices. The rub is just always there.

I would look inside yourself and think about what other aspects of this friendship are important to you. You can always stay clear of parenting issues and just go out the two of you for coffee now and again or talk on the phone.

I have a friend who parented in a way that made me feel very uncomfortable. I chose to not do stuff together with the kids. We just get together as adults now and it's lovely. When parenting issues come up it isn't so heated for me anymore because I don't feel like my child is being exposed to it. And I'm practicing accepting who she is and the journey that she is on. Now, there's no physical stuff going on with her so this is an easier situation.

Good luck. Maybe take a break for a little bit and try to engage with her around nonparenting stuff.


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## Wugmama (Feb 10, 2005)

Yeah, my best friend and I are pg - both due at the same time, me with my 3rd her with her first. I am afraid she is going to spank. She has a 12 yr old step dd and I already get upset sometimes by how she treats her. I was just telling my dh that I think our friendship may end up fading away after the birth of her baby. I don't think I will be able to maintain it and see her doing that.

Ideally I'd like to just be a positive influence on her, but it can be hard to take.

~Tracy


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## soybeansmama (Jan 26, 2006)

I am in the same spot right now with my best friend who is also my neighbor. She speaks of spanking often and I wonder if it's because she knows how I feel about it and is looking for some kind of reaction in me. I have tried hard to make my opinions my own and not to be too preachy about the way we do things in my family, but my heart hurts every time she speaks of spanking or threatening to spank her 3 year old daughter. My son spends a lot of time playing with her daughter and I fear that he will someday be a witness to it.

I have had a hard time keeping quiet about it lately. She just had another baby and her temper has been shorter that usual. She was just talking to me about how her husband disagrees with it and they are always fighting about it. How am I supposed to influence her if her own husband can't? I try to be an example by the way I parent my son, but it definately is getting harder for me to be silent.

Hugs to all dealing with this...


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