# inlaws showering wiht my kids-how would you feel?



## sewcool (Jan 25, 2009)

im a little unsure- my son is almost 5 and my daughter 3 1/2 papa and ds took a shower together then meme and dd took a shower. Im not sure how i feel, i sorta feel like its inappropriate but then i think its good because they will feel even more like they dont need to hide their bodies or feel ashamed. how would you feel?


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## rainyday (Apr 28, 2006)

It wouldn't bother me as long as it didn't bother the kids.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

It would only bother me becuase I've seen my il's shower.lol I'm not sure they'd actually get clean.

Would you feel better about it if it was YOUR parents? If so then I'd examine why I'd be bothered because it was dh's parents.


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## kirstenb (Oct 4, 2007)

I would be slightly bothered but I would also be bothered if it were my parents.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainyday* 
It wouldn't bother me as long as it didn't bother the kids.









:

I'd be fine with it with my parents or my MIL. Not so much my FIL, but there are other issues there...

-Angela


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## signingmamma (Aug 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainyday* 
It wouldn't bother me as long as it didn't bother the kids.


That

And they are the grandparents, i wont even give it a second thought...


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

I wouldn't be bothered..


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## Momily (Feb 15, 2007)

What was the context? That would make a big difference to me.

Everyone came back dirty from a hike in the woods, or chloriney from the pool and this was the efficient way to all get clean? Yeah, I'd be fine with it.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

Wouldn't bother me.


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

It would definitely bother me if they hadn't asked for my permission first. And actually, I wouldn't allow it, and I'd feel uncomfortable with my kids showering with any adult besides my husband of myself.

However, I don't think there's anything wrong with it--as long as they ask for your permission first.


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## neetling (Jan 24, 2006)

it'd gross me out.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

I'd most likely be significantly bothered, but context as well as cultural factors would also make a difference to me...in addition to how my kids felt about it.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I'd be so freaked out it wouldn't be funny. So yeah, it would totally bother me.


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## SparklingGemini (Jan 3, 2008)

My FIL? NO way. EEK! MIL, I don't know. Maybe?

My dad? Probably not. My mom? Totally cool.

Of course, I have a daughter, and so the whole idea of her showering with other MEN bothers me. Her daddy, I'm fine with but other than that.

As for my MIL? She has an issue with DD even saying vagina or vulva opposed to "privates" or some other made up name. So, I just don't think that's a situation I want to expose my DD to, the whole misplaced impropriety and modesty thing.


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

I'd be uncomfortable if my child showered with an adult other than me or DH.


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

That would make me extremely uncomfortable and I can't think of a single situation where it would be a reasonable thing to do (and I mean this only in the context of MY family and DS' grandparents, YMMV!).


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

I would be entirely uncomfortable with my children showering naked with anyone else. There's no need. Actually, I would simply stop all visits to the inlaws unless I was there.

I know too many people who have been molested....

And...I think little ones are too shy to say if it bothers them to be in such close proximity with nude people. I HATED it at that age but I was too shy to say anything to anyone.


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## ScarletBegonias (Aug 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky* 
I would be entirely uncomfortable with my children showering naked with anyone else. There's no need. Actually, I would simply stop all visits to the inlaws unless I was there.

I know too many people who have been molested....

*
i cannot agree with this post more.*

that would be a HUGE RED FLAG.

ftr, my children do not and will not spend the night with fam or friends until *much* older, and only if its' someone i trust inexpicably not to abuse my child and i knew for a solid fact no one would be dropping by when my child was there. i don't trust many people, not that i think that everyone is a child abuser, just that many people are oblivious to these things and therefore do not have good judgment of other people. imo, that is yet another reason why so many children do end up molested. the obliviousness of adults (who are supposed to protect them) to the possibilities of their child or children in their care being abused.

eta2: for example, i trust my mom not to sexually/physically abuse my children, but i do not trust her judgment of *other* peoples character/intentions. therefore, i do not allow my mother to babysit. who knows what weirdos in my family could stop by and take advantage of my mom being out of the room for a couple minutes to molest my daughter/son. sounds harsh, but it's the world we live in. and i know all too well the damage it does.

eta: not saying the op is oblivious, just making a statement in general.


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## ZoraP (Jun 11, 2009)

Whoa! Some people here are really quick to leap to the abuse topic, when it sounds like it was just grandpa + grandson and then grandma + granddaughter having showers. Of course everyone has their own comfort level with nudity, etc., and that needs to be respected by all sides. However, adults and children being nude together does not always lead to molestation, which is an important point to keep in mind.

I'm not a nudist/naturist type, but I do live in a country where people strip down and change into their swimming suits right in the open on the beach, and kids change into their PE clothes at school in mixed groups until they're pretty old. Also, ads frequently show nude bodies without any artful covering. Just because the naked human body is more visually accessible here doesn't mean there is any more molestation, though.

In this situation you really have to use your own judgement, based on your own feelings about it, how your kids reacted, whether you trust the ILs or not, etc. Some of the pps sound like they have good reason not to trust their relatives; I'd hesitate to act the same way as they do without good reason of my own.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I would have wanted to be asked and then I would think about it. Like a PP said it would depend on the context (were they there for a week, etc.) If bathing was part of the expected activities or related to actual mess, I'd lean more towards 'okay' and if it seemed to come out of the blue I'd lean more towards 'no'.

I don't think kids are any more likely to be abused by the showering together than they are naked with an adult at the side of the tub*, and the way it was done doesn't sound creepy to me from a tiny amount of info over the 'net.

All that said though, if you are uncomfortable with it, then you are: I'd communicate that nicely but directly and let them know how you'd prefer to handle it in the future.

*ETA: Like with a grownup clothed giving a bath.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I grew up camping and farming with my grandparents. We did all girl showers and all boy showers. It was quicker. With short water supply you do what you do.5 people would get bathed in 10-15 minutes verses 5 5minute showers and having to send a kid back in.

We also did same sex showers after working on the farm. Seriously after spending a day or two down on the same farm with my own children I appreciated more my grandparents efficient behavior.

Some people have reasons to not trust their parents or in-laws. In the same situation I would trust my in-laws and my dad, his side of the family. I would *not* trust my mom and her husband (body issues) but I would trust grandparents and other relatives on her side of the family.

What is the difference from the grandparents being in the shower with them verses just watching them on the side? It goes back to if you do not trust them why are you allowing the visits?


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Holy moly, you just made me picture my IL's naked.

FIL no way. MIL - it wouldn't thrill me. I would be uncomfortable with it. I can't exactly explain why. I don't picture ds being comfortable with it either. As is, he has informed me that he will only shower with dh.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BookGoddess* 
I'd be uncomfortable if my child showered with an adult other than me or DH.

This...but it's not about molestation at all...it's just something my parents wouldn't do. I'm not sure how it would even come up. (I don't have in-laws)


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

This is not a flame, but it really surprises me that so many MDC mamas view naked bodies as inappropriate or dirty.

It would not bother me at all for my kids to have bathed with close relatives when they were little.


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## sarahr (Mar 29, 2007)

Wouldn't bother me at all. My dd's only 2, so I don't know at what age it would start to bother me. Probably at the same age that it started to bother dd.


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

I don't think naked bodies are dirty. Inappropriate, certainly, depending on the situation.

I come from a very private family. Exceedingly, extremely private. Therefore, if I found out my dad had showered with my son I would be 100% sure that my father had lost his mind. If my mother showered with a hypothetical daughter, I would feel the same way. It's just something my family would NEVER do. *I* never showered or bathed with my parents, if they did it with my kids, I would think something was up. Not molestation, but some sort of temporary insanity!

My ILs, while they break every other boundary in the book, would never shower or bathe *with* their grandkids. Just not their style. That's why this would raise real red flags for me.

Also, in that scenario, I can't imagine ANYONE being comfortable-- neither my son nor the grandparent he had bathed with. So it would be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. If your family is cool with nakedness, then that's a different story, obviously.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

My husband's family is Finnish and he grew up sitting naked in sauna's with his grandparents, uncles, and cousins. Same for the girls (only with grandmas, aunts, girl cousins). So for me it would be a normal part of life.

That said, like GuildJenn said (whose posts I love) if you are uncomfortable with it OP then you are and that is cool. I just would be polite and gentle in explaining you prefer to do the bathing yourself.


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## sandravb79 (Feb 16, 2009)

I would not be comfortable with that. Not because I think naked bodies are dirty (not at all, I also live in a country where nudity in commercials and on the beach isn't a big issue), however, I *do* think there is a time and a place for being naked.

Imho, if children are getting too comfortable about being naked or being around naked people, it will be very difficult for them to judge certain situations.
For example: it would be OK to be with naked grandpa under the shower, but not with naked sports teacher => how to make that distinction?

I think this is something that is very personal, depends a lot on how one has grown up (I come from a very private family) and there is no "right" or "wrong" way.


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## Crunchiemomma (Jul 9, 2009)

I'd be totally fine with my mom or grandmother showering with DS. Not so much my dad or IL's.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainyday* 
It wouldn't bother me as long as it didn't bother the kids.

I agree. I totally trust my stepmom/dad and my FIL. However, they aren't the types to do this sort of thing anyway.

As a teenager I dated a guy whose parents were raising his sister's kids and they all shared baths to save on water. They took them together while young and as they got older one would take a bath, get out and another would get in and although I thought that type of bathing was weird (dirty water already getting cold) I didn't really care.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

My mom has taken baths and showers with my kids, and I wouldn't care if my partner's mom did the same (nor his dad, if he were still alive). I doubt they would simply because THEY are/were modest and picky about seeing the kids naked, but it would have been fine with me.

Nudity's just nudity, it's no big deal. As long as everyone involved is comfortable, anything goes.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sandravb79* 
however, I *do* think there is a time and a place for being naked.

If that time and place isn't in the shower/bathtub, when is it? I'm genuinely confused.


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## LittleBlessings (May 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ZoraP* 
Whoa! Some people here are really quick to leap to the abuse topic, when it sounds like it was just grandpa + grandson and then grandma + granddaughter having showers. Of course everyone has their own comfort level with nudity, etc., and that needs to be respected by all sides. However, adults and children being nude together does not always lead to molestation, which is an important point to keep in mind.

I'm not a nudist/naturist type, but I do live in a country where people strip down and change into their swimming suits right in the open on the beach, and kids change into their PE clothes at school in mixed groups until they're pretty old. Also, ads frequently show nude bodies without any artful covering. Just because the naked human body is more visually accessible here doesn't mean there is any more molestation, though.

In this situation you really have to use your own judgement, based on your own feelings about it, how your kids reacted, whether you trust the ILs or not, etc. Some of the pps sound like they have good reason not to trust their relatives; I'd hesitate to act the same way as they do without good reason of my own.
















:


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## JennTheMomma (Jun 19, 2008)

It wouldnt' bother me.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

I come from a very private family. Exceedingly, extremely private. Therefore, if I found out my dad had showered with my son I would be 100% sure that my father had lost his mind. If my mother showered with a hypothetical daughter, I would feel the same way. It's just something my family would NEVER do. *I* never showered or bathed with my parents, if they did it with my kids, I would think something was up. Not molestation, but some sort of temporary insanity!
SAME!

No one ever taught me or tried to teach me that my body was "dirty" or "wrong" or "shameful" but my parents (and grandparents, actually) were very big on - it is yours, it is special because it is yours and it is private. And I'm totally down with that. What other people want to do is their business but no, I would not be cool if my in laws (especially MY in laws who hardly know me, hardly know my daughter, and have boundry issues - mostly in wanting to be way too involved and dominating in the lives of the grandchildren they are closer to, and wanting to substitute their judgment for the parents' in far too many situations, and who would do or allow, oh about a MILLION things I wouldn't do or allow) decided to shower with my child. I would, in fact, be PISSED. I'm not saying everyone should or would react the same way, but I would be BEYOND myself livid.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

I wouldn't be ok with it. Not thinking about abuse, I just don't think seeing their grandparents in the nude would be a memory I (or my kids) would be happy to have.

_I_ don't even want to think about seeing my parents naked at their (and my) age. I see it as a matter of boundaries and respect.

I understand each family is different... this is how I would feel about ours.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I'd prefer they didn't, but I wouldn't assume abuse or anything like that was happening. Just that they didn't have an understanding of my boundaries.


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## sandravb79 (Feb 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
If that time and place isn't in the shower/bathtub, when is it? I'm genuinely confused.

Shower/ bath tub is a place to be naked.
Shower/ bath tub with a naked grandparent in it, is not, imho.

But thank you on "catching" me while expressing myself in a wrong way in my fourth language.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
This is not a flame, but it really surprises me that so many MDC mamas view naked bodies as inappropriate or dirty.

It would not bother me at all for my kids to have bathed with close relatives when they were little.

I don't know that it'd be overly bothersome for me if my kids showered with their grandparents, but I don't see the use in making it sound like anyone who has a problem with it just has hang-ups about nudity. It's fine, IMO, for parents to be in charge of setting rules about who should and shouldn't be naked with their kids -- seems pretty reasonable to me.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marylizah* 
*I* never showered or bathed with my parents, if they did it with my kids, I would think something was up. Not molestation, but some sort of temporary insanity!

See, I never remember showering or bathing with my parents, either . . . but my mom has done it with my kids because *I* do it with my kids. Just like she sleeps with them when they spend the night at her house . . . because they liked it and felt comfortable with it, not because it was something she did with me as a child.


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## jlobe (May 1, 2009)

My in-laws do... they have a hot tub, and after they go swimming they have a shower... boys together and then the girls together.... I have no problem with that. In fact I like the idea of my kids seeing different bodies at a variety of ages with safe loving people.

If/when my kids are uncomfortable with it... then I will respect that and it will cease to happen.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I'd be shocked if any of the grandparents did that, but it's because of who they are. I can't even remotely imagine either of my in-laws being naked in front of my kids. I wouldn't be comfortable with my dad doing such a thing, because I personally think he's developed some strange attitudes about nudity as he's aged (and we _did_ bathe with him or mom when we were little). My mom is the only one that I can even remotely imagine doing that, and it's only remotely. She's pretty laid back about nudity, and has had one grandchild sleep in her room during an overnight visit, knowing he may climb in with her (he was about 2.5 or 3). However, I don't think she'd do the shower thing.

OTOH, my kids take baths, and dd1, at least, seems to have inherited my "thing" about showers and getting her face wet. So, I'd be upset, because there is no scenario in which I can imagine dd1 having a shower without being forced into it and at least somewhat emotionally traumatized by it.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I wouldn't be comfortable with it, and both my 6yo and 3yo are perfectly capable of showering by themselves.


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

Wouldn't be comfortable with it. It's summertime- the kids can be hosed down outside.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

It wouldn't bother me. As long as it didn't bother ds. (although he's only 2 and hates the shower)


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

In my Stepmother's culture it's normal to have same sex community baths where you might have a stranger helping you scrub your back. Growing up we've bathed together and I've bathed with my two half-brothers (who are 12 and 14 years younger than me) and stopped when they got too curious. I don't ever recall Grandparents bathing with the kids unless it was at a community bath.

My in-laws are of a culture that doesn't do that and I think I would totally be weirded out if they bathed with my DD.

Personally, regardless of cultural or family norms I would not like anyone but myself or my DH to bathe together with my DD.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

My grandmother used to shower with us, I thought it was fun because she would sing to us.

I wouldn't have a problem with it, especially if they were close and there were no underlying issues or history of abuse.

Like the pps said, lots of cultures have much looser rules about nudity, and I doubt there's more molestation in those cultures.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

If my MIL did it, it wouldn't bother me. Even if DD didn't need a shower I know how hard it can be to take a shower yourself and watch her. It's just easier to coral her in the shower with you.


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BookGoddess* 
I'd be uncomfortable if my child showered with an adult other than me or DH.

I agree with the above.


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## New_Natural_Mom (Dec 21, 2007)

DH & I take family showers with DS. I see that continuing until he can shower himself. I think I would be uncomfortable with my parents showering with DS and I would be MASSIVELY uncomfortable with IL's doing it and would think they lost their darn minds. I don't think nudity is a big deal, but the showering thing makes me uncomfortable.


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

My parents have a hot tub. I'd be ticked if they DIDN'T shower with my kids afterwards and rinse the chemicals away. But the kids take most of their showers and baths alone there now.

It totally depends upon the context of the story too. I mean, if two creepy old people I don't have much contact with were leering at my kids and couldn't wait to get my kids naked in a tub then, yes. That's a problem.

But if two loving grandparents noticed my kids were dirty and thought they needed help washing their hair or whatever, then no. I don't have a problem with that.

I would also love for my kids to see two older healthy adults and their bodies so they have a better idea of what normal looks like and that old age is nothing to fear. It's going to happen to us all, if we're lucky enough.


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## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

I wouldn't be comfortable. Giving him a bath while they were clothed is A-OK.


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## mommy2two babes (Feb 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 







:

I'd be fine with it with my parents or my MIL. Not so much my FIL, but there are other issues there...

-Angela

This is exactly how I feel. I would be really surprised though because MIL is not at all like that. They barely even hug or kiss in thier family.
Not the type of person to shower with anyone. She calls girl parts a picky?????
FIL yuck but other things at work there.
My parents I wouldn't be bothered in the least.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I don't think it would bother me.

I shower with my youngest two almost every day.

My mom has showered with a kid or two at times, and in no way did it bother me (in fact, when she's visiting it's more like "would you please take him with you in the shower to give me a break?!"







)

I guess if I trust an IL with caring for my kids, showering with them likely wouldn't be a big deal.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I don't know that it'd be overly bothersome for me if my kids showered with their grandparents, but I don't see the use in making it sound like anyone who has a problem with it just has hang-ups about nudity. It's fine, IMO, for parents to be in charge of setting rules about who should and shouldn't be naked with their kids -- seems pretty reasonable to me.

But...it's their _grandparents_. It's not like the teenage babysitter you use once every three months is showering with the kids. I dunno....I just don't see what's so icky about my parents being nude with my kids. Jeez....I came _out_ of my mother's body.

For those who send their kids to school (or plan to), are you going to be upset when your kids are made to get naked with all their classmates after gym, with a teacher watching? That started in 7th grade, for me. Far ickier than soaking in the ofuro with my grandma when I was four.


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## FtMPapa (Nov 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy2two babes* 
This is exactly how I feel. I would be really surprised though because MIL is not at all like that. They barely even hug or kiss in thier family.
Not the type of person to shower with anyone. She calls girl parts a picky?????
FIL yuck but other things at work there.
My parents I wouldn't be bothered in the least.

What's a "picky"? I've never heard that term! I'm not sure that calling the vulva "girl parts" is actually superior, however.

For me, it would totally depend on the context and on the relationship.

It's interesting that people are so quick to say "Naked = molestation!" when it seems to me that kids who are comfortable with their bodies and those of others and who feel empowered and listened to are less at risk of being abused, and if they are, they'll be more likely to seek help.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

_Inlaws showering with my kids-how would you feel?_

I would be pissed-off and it would never happen again. That is inappropriate.

============

Edited to add a few thoughts.

If you feel fine with the question posed, please don't get after the moms here who are not fine with it. A couple of moms said abuse is a concern for them, and they have a legitimate reason. But most did not claim abuse, they claimed family differences. It's merely a cultural difference, and I hope you can be as tolerant of that point of view as you want others to tolerate your point of view.
_
You can only answer for yourself._

Like others have said, within _my culture and my family,_ it would be inappropriate, because that's not our habit. Like others here have said, I wouldn't think 'abuse' but I'd surely think some other mental health issue was up, if my parents or inlaws showered with either of my kids. The question was, how would I feel about it? I'd be upset and concerned.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
But...it's their _grandparents_. It's not like the teenage babysitter you use once every three months is showering with the kids. I dunno....I just don't see what's so icky about my parents being nude with my kids. Jeez....I came _out_ of my mother's body.

My point was not that everyone should think it's icky for non-parents to shower with kids. I just don't see a need for anyone to imply that parents who don't wish for anyone else to shower with their kids are just prudes who think all nudity is dirty.


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## mummyofan (Jun 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *signingmamma* 
That


And they are the grandparents, i wont even give it a second thought...

that's a quote, too.

yep, me, too..... if I had them. my father takes baths with mine and my niece. It's really cute to see ( he covers up when we go in!)


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

I guess I just can't see a possible situation where it would be appropriate for MY in-laws or mother to shower with my children. I can see them giving the kids a bath if they got really messy and have no problem with that, but to get in with them is a whole nother matter.

For what it's worth, the grandparents (all three of them) would never take my kids hiking on their own or to the pool. The messiest they'd get is by playing in the backyard or by eating, and then the grandparents should be clean (none of them will play in the dirt with them.)


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
But...it's their _grandparents_. It's not like the teenage babysitter you use once every three months is showering with the kids. I dunno....I just don't see what's so icky about my parents being nude with my kids. Jeez....I came _out_ of my mother's body.

For those who send their kids to school (or plan to), are you going to be upset when your kids are made to get naked with all their classmates after gym, with a teacher watching? That started in 7th grade, for me. Far ickier than soaking in the ofuro with my grandma when I was four.

IMHO everyone has their individual comfort level with things and it's ok to be not be comfortable and feel icky about it if they aren't used to it. I mean some people can't even get a massage because they are uncomfortable with their own nudity.

For cultures that like to soak in the ofuro there is no weirdness about nudity between family and it's like a family activity of relaxation and bonding. My Stepmom who is Korean will still scrub down the backs of my half-brothers and both of them are in their twenties and plenty of people get squicked out thinking a mother still does this with her grown sons, but for us it's normal.

As for the kids who go to gym, well the ones that get icked out or are uncomfortable by it? Well I remember plenty of kids who got out of that with a doctor's note.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
For those who send their kids to school (or plan to), are you going to be upset when your kids are made to get naked with all their classmates after gym, with a teacher watching? That started in 7th grade, for me. Far ickier than soaking in the ofuro with my grandma when I was four.

Depending on the circumstances, I'd be okay with a grandparent showering with my kids. There is no way in this universe my child will _ever_ be required to get naked with their classmates after gym, and especially not with a teacher watching. I can't even wrap my brain around that.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
See, I never remember showering or bathing with my parents, either . . . but my mom has done it with my kids because *I* do it with my kids. Just like she sleeps with them when they spend the night at her house . . . because they liked it and felt comfortable with it, not because it was something she did with me as a child.

Yeah, this. Although, my mom did bathe with me when I was young(under5) and she has never bathed my dd even though she has spent the night, it is more a matter of lazyness, though and would not bother me if she did. Although it would bother me if my step-dad bathed her, crossing the sex-line would make me skeeved unless it's her dad and even now I think what is the need of that, I can bathe her myself anytime. It's not about nakedness or abuse here so much as boundaries.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

If my kids wanted to I would be fine with it, but I can't imagine any of the grandparents in our families wanting to. If anything I imagine my kids asking and the grandparents wanting their privacy (just like me







)


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Depending on the circumstances, I'd be okay with a grandparent showering with my kids. There is no way in this universe my child will _ever_ be required to get naked with their classmates after gym, and especially not with a teacher watching. I can't even wrap my brain around that.

we had to shower naked after swim class ini high school, the swim teacher or assistant (female) was in the adjacent room.

It was just what we did.

i wouldnt mind a healthy grandparent showering with my kids.... but since my parents and my dh's parents are incredibly unhealthy with really weird adn twisted ideas of normal- no... I would not be okay with MY in laws or MY parents showering with my kids.


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

I wouldn't have been comfortable with it, and I wouldn't shower with my grandchildren now. I have given them baths plenty of times, but never with me. Too icky for me. We were raised very modest, not prudish, but we are pretty private about our bodies. If the grandbabies catch me dressing, oh well, they are still young, but I certainly don't go out of my way to be naked around them. Just not comfortable.


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## Shannie77 (Jan 16, 2007)

I would be bothered by it because it wouldn't be something I could ever imagine my il's doing. They would probably be disturbed if they knew I showered with DD.

For me it would depend on who it was. If my best friend was watching DD and had a shower with her I would be fine with it. She is an earthy girl and it is something she would do to save water and make life easier.

For me it really depends on what kind of person it is and if it is something that makes sense.


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## camracrazy (May 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 

For those who send their kids to school (or plan to), are you going to be upset when your kids are made to get naked with all their classmates after gym, with a teacher watching?


Why would they be naked and why would the teacher be watching?

At my high school (and every high school I've known of) we had locker room for boys and locker rooms for girls. Everybody changed into their gym uniform in the locker room. If they didn't want to change in front of the other kids you could go into a bathroom stall and change. There were rows of lockers that provided semi-private areas to change. We only stripped down to our undies, no full frontal! There were showers but we weren't given enough time between classes to shower after gym. I don't remeber teachers ever being in the locker room.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

My MIL showers with DD1 and it grosses me the hell out but I'm fine with it because DD loves taking showers with her and me and DH for that matter. I think as long as the kids are fine with it...I would be too. I do think there would be an age cut off for me around 5 or 6 though for my kiddos.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *camracrazy* 
Why would they be naked and why would the teacher be watching?

At my high school (and every high school I've known of) we had locker room for boys and locker rooms for girls. Everybody changed into their gym uniform in the locker room. If they didn't want to change in front of the other kids you could go into a bathroom stall and change. There were rows of lockers that provided semi-private areas to change. We only stripped down to our undies, no full frontal! There were showers but we weren't given enough time between classes to shower after gym. I don't remeber teachers ever being in the locker room.

This is how it was at my school. I never, ever showered at school. No teachers were in there, and we had dressing rooms, and bathroom stalls.

I think about the kid showering with grandparents, it really doesn't matter how any of us feel - only how the OP and her DP feel (and the children, of course). We all definitely do have different comfort levels, and unique situations that may influence our feelings.


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## neko (Jul 10, 2007)

It wouldn't bother me... and to each their own and all. But I really do feel this is just a product of American cultural baggage. As a college kid I would go with my host family and room mates to the public sento (baths) or onsen (hot springs) all the time. No big deal.

I don't really see my parents doing this with DD, but the inlaws might. They come from a culture with nude beaches and saunas.


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

I wouldn't be happy about it if I found out after the fact, and the degree of unhappiness would depend on who told me about it (kids or grandparents).


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tallulahma* 
we had to shower naked after swim class ini high school, the swim teacher or assistant (female) was in the adjacent room.

It was just what we did.

Ah - would never happen in my life. I didn't even change in the communal change room. If a teacher had tried to make me, I'd have probably dropped out. Getting five years of condescending crap was bad enough - having to strip naked in front of my classmates in order to pay for the privilege would have been grotesque. If they demanded that my kids do it, I'd raise the roof.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *camracrazy* 
*Why would they be naked* and why would the teacher be watching?

At my high school (and every high school I've known of) we had locker room for boys and locker rooms for girls. Everybody changed into their gym uniform in the locker room. If they didn't want to change in front of the other kids you could go into a bathroom stall and change. There were rows of lockers that provided semi-private areas to change. We only stripped down to our undies, no full frontal! There were showers but we weren't given enough time between classes to shower after gym. I don't remember teachers ever being in the locker room.









What, you expect them to shower in their clothes? What a bizarre comment. It should be pretty easy to extrapolate from the poster's comments that her experience is different from yours. Did you think those showers were there just to decorate the locker room? In the past students were required to shower at the end of PE. This is still true in many places.

I'm very grateful that by the time I was in high school we weren't required to shower.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I always thought the showers in school were for those in sports - like the football players. Still, they could always wait to shower at home, right?

I didn't even think of swimming. Though we had a big pool at my school, I did not sign up for that class. No, thank you!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 







What, you expect them to shower in their clothes? What a bizarre comment. It should be pretty easy to extrapolate from the poster's comments that her experience is different from yours. Did you think those showers were there just to decorate the locker room? In the past students were required to shower at the end of PE. This is still true in many places.

I'm very grateful that by the time I was in high school we weren't required to shower.

I think we actually were "required" (not sure, because I totally avoided the changerooms, as mentioned above), but I still didn't do it. There's no way in hell I'd let a teacher force me to get naked, yk? And, I still can't imagine any reason for a teacher to be standing there while I stripped.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

I'm not on speaking terms with MIL, and she never gets to see DS, so it isn't going to come up for us. However, I don't generally have a problem with children showering with their grandparents. I find it much easier and more efficient to just hop in the shower with DS, why wouldn't it be the same for a grandparent.

When my own grandmother was in her 90s and could no longer care for herself, I gave her sponge baths. Though it wasn't the most fun I ever had, it hasn't scarred me for life or anything. It was just another part of the care she needed, just like lifting her from the car to her wheel chair. Frankly emptying the commode was worse than the sponge baths.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 







What, you expect them to shower in their clothes? What a bizarre comment. It should be pretty easy to extrapolate from the poster's comments that her experience is different from yours. Did you think those showers were there just to decorate the locker room? In the past students were required to shower at the end of PE. This is still true in many places.

I'm very grateful that by the time I was in high school we weren't required to shower.

If we didn't shower after PE and pool (which we had to take in order to graduate), we failed. End of story. The teachers were in the locker room to watch and make sure everyone did.


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## ScarletBegonias (Aug 24, 2005)

i don't think naked bodies are dirty or gross, in fact, we are a pretty naked family ourselves. i just don't find it appropriate for my kids to be SHOWERING with anyone but our immediate family. i shower/bathe with both my kids every single day.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Crystal_R* 
If we didn't shower after PE and pool (which we had to take in order to graduate), we failed. End of story. The teachers were in the locker room to watch and make sure everyone did.

Same here.

To be honest, I would not want to be the teachers who had to deal with non-showering kids in subsequent classes. If gym is your first-period class and you don't shower, you're going to stink all day.

I was not aware that some schools don't require showering after gym.

And no, there were no private areas in which to change and shower. There were one or two stalls with curtains, which were intended for menstruating girls to use. The rest of the shower heads were on a pole, I think four nozzles on each pole.


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## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I think we actually were "required" (not sure, because I totally avoided the changerooms, as mentioned above), but I still didn't do it. There's no way in hell I'd let a teacher force me to get naked, yk? And, I still can't imagine any reason for a teacher to be standing there while I stripped.

We were required too, and I did it because I was very passive, but I felt sick about it like it wasn't right. There were lots of horrid comments about certain people and who had what and who didn't. It was a very vulnerable and wrong thing IMO.

My daughter is almost 14 and last year when she entered JH I told her straight out "If they make you shower you have my permission to refuse" because she would have rather walked in front of a truck than get naked in front of her classmates just based on her very private personality. I was ready to go head to head with the school on it if I had to. Luckily someone came to their senses when they built this new JH because they don't have to shower and the showers have curtains- one shower one kid at a time.

And on the topic at hand, I think in general in America (culturally big generalization here) it is probably odd to shower WITH your grandkids, esp both grandparents. I would have been humiliated and felt sexually abused by it if it had happened, because like I said above I never questioned adults and wouldn't have felt like I could have refused. I remember parents of my friends after going swimming insisting that I "just change it's just us girls" and feeling violated by it and trapped with no choice over my own body.

Some of us (I've been this way since all the way back and my mom is basically a nudist so it wasn't upbringing- more like personality) just aren't comfortable with the everyone get nakey together stuff. I'm actually totally fine if anyone else wants to be naked- but I don't want to. It's not gross, it's just well IMO uncomfortable and it makes me feel bad inside. I do not like it.


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## camracrazy (May 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Crystal_R* 
If we didn't shower after PE and pool (which we had to take in order to graduate), we failed. End of story. The teachers were in the locker room to watch and make sure everyone did.

I would think that in todays school climate where teachers are discouraged from even hugging students (and in some cases outright forbidden to do so) that a teacher watching students shower would be the last thing a school district would want to deal with. I would be interested to know if there is anywhere that this still happens.


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## signingmamma (Aug 28, 2009)

Umm many of you have issues with that, is that an American thing??? Heck, I don't know and I dont want to offend. But I'm European so that may be the deal









it's not like the kids are bathing with strangers, the grandparents are family. I find it curious that several say that they find it ok with their own mothers but not with MIL, um mil is the grandma too









This is definately an American thing, becuase none of the parents I know are like this, oh well to each their own...


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## Down2Earth (Jan 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Crystal_R* 
If we didn't shower after PE and pool (which we had to take in order to graduate), we failed. End of story. The teachers were in the locker room to watch and make sure everyone did.

Bizarre! I never showered in school except after swimming. And even then all the girls wore their suits.

Now I'm very curious if OP's family/culture is the kind that grandparents showering with kids is normal.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *camracrazy* 
I would think that in todays school climate where teachers are discouraged from even hugging students (and in some cases outright forbidden to do so) that a teacher watching students shower would be the last thing a school district would want to deal with. I would be interested to know if there is anywhere that this still happens.

It was in Indiana and when my brother graduated from the same high school last year it was the same.


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## camracrazy (May 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Crystal_R* 
It was in Indiana and when my brother graduated from the same high school last year it was the same.


Wow, and no one has ever complained?

What is the reasoning behind showering or failing? Is it a health and hygiene class?

Luckily the one year I took gym I was exempt from most of the strenous sports because my asthma was bad at the time. My best friend in class with me had bad knees, so we just walked laps and chatted. We didn't get too stinky doing that!


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I would be completely icked out if anyone other than me or DH showered with our kiddos.


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## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

I think that is extremely inappropriate and I would be infuriated.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

My mom and I have an open-door relationship with eachother, and so dd has also been around my om in the bathtub. The last few times we've visited (maybe 3-4 times a year), dd has asked if she ould take a bath with grandma-- I'm totally fine with it and don't find anything icky about it. Dd likes to have someone in there to make her floaty/sticky spaceship men talk to her, etc.- it's just more fun.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
But...it's their _grandparents_. It's not like the teenage babysitter you use once every three months is showering with the kids. I dunno....I just don't see what's so icky about my parents being nude with my kids. Jeez....I came _out_ of my mother's body.

For those who send their kids to school (or plan to), are you going to be upset when your kids are made to get naked with all their classmates after gym, with a teacher watching? That started in 7th grade, for me. Far ickier than soaking in the ofuro with my grandma when I was four.

I would have a problem with that big time. Luckily that dosnt happen here. They do have gym but no one showers after. We used the shower stalls to hide in and change clothes when I was in school. We didnt have vigorous gym though. Maybe play a little basketball or have to walk around the gym floor a few times. I never noticed a single person with BO or even anyone breaking a sweat for that matter







Just the thought of my teenage self having to get undressed in front of others even to just my undies makes me want to cry. I would have failed for sure had that been the case. The showers actually never worked in the girls room no idea about the boys dressing room.

I cant ever see the op thing happening since both sets of gparents are very conservative. I would be more ok with it if it where my parents than dh's


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

I'd be pretty bothered by it, especially if they're not asking you if it's ok first.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
There were one or two stalls with curtains, which were intended for menstruating girls to use.









That's why some had curtains!


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *signingmamma* 
Umm many of you have issues with that, is that an American thing??? Heck, I don't know and I don't want to offend. But I'm European so that may be the deal









it's not like the kids are bathing with strangers, the grandparents are family. I find it curious that several say that they find it ok with their own mothers but not with MIL, um mil is the grandma too









This is definitely an American thing, because none of the parents I know are like this, oh well to each their own...

Ummm, yes, exactly.







To each their own.
















====================================

Listen, you wild and free Europeans







and people who have no problem with their children bathing with the g-parents:

Good for you!

Looks like many of the the moms here are not comfortable with their children bathing with the grandparents. I think it's the culture. It's the way we were raised. No one said the naked body is nasty or dirty. I don't think anyone's talking about shame or whatnot. It's just private. If I'd been raised in a different culture I'd think differently about it, probably. It's no skin off your nose, is it?


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## RasJi7 (Sep 25, 2007)

I think it would have been better if they had bathed the kids or showered the kids without the grandparents being nude as well.

What if it was the babysitter? IDK, In my world, only my husband and I should be naked around our children.

Of course I don't know any other info about you, OP. perhaps your in-laws are from another country where nudity is no big deal.

I think the bigger deal for me would be to figure out their train of thought. Was it because it was easier to do this way? Save water? What's the reason?


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## ~Shanna~ (Nov 17, 2005)

I'm not sure this is something that you can have others guide you on what is "normal" - did your gut tell you that something wasn't right about it? For some families it would be normal, for some definately not.


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## spicyrock (Apr 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *camracrazy* 
Wow, and no one has ever complained?

What is the reasoning behind showering or failing? Is it a health and hygiene class?

Luckily the one year I took gym I was exempt from most of the strenous sports because my asthma was bad at the time. My best friend in class with me had bad knees, so we just walked laps and chatted. We didn't get too stinky doing that!









When I was in 8th grade, I was suspended from school twice for refusing to change clothes in front of my gym teacher. I had some serious body issues (which I don't think is that unusual for someone in junior high) and I simply did not want to be naked in front of a bunch of girls I didn't know or my teacher. I subsequently failed the class and was removed from the gifted program for a semester (because of my failing grade), and I was prohibited from going on my class trip to New York City (which I had helped lead the fundraiser to pay for). I was devastated...

I think with some schools/teachers it is really about some sort of power trip, and a "you're going to follow the rules or else" mentality.


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## camracrazy (May 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spicyrock* 
When I was in 8th grade, I was suspended from school twice for refusing to change clothes in front of my gym teacher. I had some serious body issues (which I don't think is that unusual for someone in junior high) and I simply did not want to be naked in front of a bunch of girls I didn't know or my teacher. I subsequently failed the class and was removed from the gifted program for a semester (because of my failing grade), and I was prohibited from going on my class trip to New York City (which I had helped lead the fundraiser to pay for). I was devastated...

I think with some schools/teachers it is really about some sort of power trip, and a "you're going to follow the rules or else" mentality.

OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you. I just don't get the mentality that a teacher MUST watch. What purpose does it serve? The only thing I could think of was if there were kids that were fighting on the locker rooms, but still, a teacher could stand somewhere where they could hear but not be staring you down!

For the people that this has happed to, were the gym classes co-ed? If so did they have a male and female teacher for all classes?


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

We go to public swimming pools all the time where people shower naked and then change. DD (who is almost 3) going alternately with me and DH. So she sees plenty of naked people, young and old, in those change rooms.

I don't have any problem with that. I think people are too uptight about nakedness.


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RasJi7* 
IDK, In my world, only my husband and I should be naked around our children.

What do you do at the pool? Here there is 1 change stall normally taken up by a tween. So all the kids and adults just change out in the open. I just don't think that's a big deal.


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## spicyrock (Apr 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *camracrazy* 
OMG I'm so sorry that happened to you. I just don't get the mentality that a teacher MUST watch. What purpose does it serve? The only thing I could think of was if there were kids that were fighting on the locker rooms, but still, a teacher could stand somewhere where they could hear but not be staring you down!

For the people that this has happed to, were the gym classes co-ed? If so did they have a male and female teacher for all classes?

I think the teacher watches to make sure everyone complies... and probably to minimize name-calling, now that I think about it. At my school, boys and girls had separate gym classes at the same time- we would all go to the gym together, but once we got there, boys would go to one side of the gym and girls, to the other. There was a male gym teacher for the boys and a female gym teacher for us. I went to school in a rural part of Georgia in the nineties, if that is relevant.

In general, I have no problem being naked around close family and friends. I showered with my grandmother when I was little, like other people have mentioned, and I wouldn't mind if dd bathed with either of her grandmas, out of necessity or just because she is a baby, and taking a bath with her is fun! She loves playing with her little water toys and splashing around. Of course, if it made her uncomfortable later, she could choose to draw other lines about nudity. But right now she is an infant.

But what happens in gym class is totally different... there wasn't anything wrong with my body, but I was so self-conscious and embarrassed by it- my parents thought that I should just suck it up and follow the rules, but I couldn't. And I stubbornly believed that I shouldn't have to.

Hell, I still believe that I shouldn't have had to


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BookGoddess* 
I'd be uncomfortable if my child showered with an adult other than me or DH.

Yep, that's totally my thought. My parents, his parents- I'd not be okay with it at all.


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## sandravb79 (Feb 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 
Ummm, yes, exactly.







To each their own.
















====================================

Listen, *you wild and free Europeans*







and people who have no problem with their children bathing with the g-parents:

Good for you!

Looks like many of the the moms here are not comfortable with their children bathing with the grandparents. I think it's the culture. It's the way we were raised. No one said the naked body is nasty or dirty. I don't think anyone's talking about shame or whatnot. It's just private. If I'd been raised in a different culture I'd think differently about it, probably. It's no skin off your nose, is it?

Right...
I am European, and got mildly flamed on the thread because I said I wouldn't be comfortable with it, and now another European gets mildly flamed because she is comfortable with it.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

I wouldn't be concerned, with my inlaws. they are really like my own family, I trust them completely. However, if you do not feel comfortable with it, then you have every right to ask them to stop doing that. Trust your instincts.


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

I've only read page 1--

I shower with DD every day for convenience, but I expect I won't do that anymore after Baby2 comes along. It's already getting hard enough to move around in there.









DD has seen both grandmothers changing clothes and getting out of the shower-- no big deal. However, she's only 2.5....even at 2.5, I would probably prefer that she only actually *shower* with me.

IMO, there's no good reason why a 5 yo should be showering with anyone else







(maybe there are extenuating circumstances here?). There's not much room for me in my shower with a toddler-- how are a grown man and a child sharing? that would be too close for comfort for me, and I would not want to risk putting my child in an uncomfortable situation.

I don't think it's a big deal, but it's not something I would personally encourage or allow.

ETA-- My concerns would not be with inappropriate behavior, only with establishing personal boundaries.


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

For me, it depends on teh layout of the shower.

If it were at our swim club, and it was a big family shower or a communal shower, then maybe. My FIL is a little weird about nakedness - he seems to want to impose his nakedness on people who don't want to see it - so I would be worried about *him* personally making DS1 feel squicked out, but too shy to say anything about it. I would be OK with DSs showering in a communal setting with other men including relatives, etc. as long as they were OK with it.

BUT I would not be OK with squeezing FIL (or any other adult) into a tub-sized or single stall shower with my DSs. That's just too close for comfort, IMO. Seeing the nakedness is one thing, but touching (which would definitely happen in close quarters like that) I am not at all cool with.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

It wouldn't bother me if my ex inlaws did it, my current in laws feel strange to me though, lol. I don't even let them babysit. My dd used to jump in the shower with my mom all of the time....my mom would get up extra early because she prefers to shower alone.....dd would wake up to the sound of the shower and strip and jump in. She was so used to showering with me in the mornings that it was just automatic to her. Annoyed the crap out of my mom though, lol. She has one of those small square showers.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

I'll start off by saying that I'm a nudist. I wear clothes as rarely as possible - I keep sarongs near the front door in case the doorbell rings. Nudity itself is not an issue for me - it's how I was raised, and how I intend to raise my children (still working on DH with this one).

That being said, it really depends on the person and the setting. In a bathtub the size of the one we have now (tiny), no one but me or DH... too much touching. But in a bathtub the size of the one where I grew up (huge) - you could fit half a dozen people in that thing without touching or a communal style shower like often seen in campgrounds or gyms... less of an issue for me.

But I still wouldn't be comfortable if my parents were to bathe with my child, or if my grandmother did, for that matter. But my mother (deceased) or my 2nd mom - no problem. And like several people have mentioned - that has to do with the people themselves, and nothing else.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Personally I'd be really uncomfortable but a key question for your husband is: did his parents shower with him when he was your kids' ages? How old was he when it stopped? Was there anything creepy to him about it?

If they did it with your husband and he felt it was appropriate, then maybe it isn't so creepy. But if they never did it with him, why your kids and why now?

Did you ask your kids how they felt about it? Did you ask them to tell you about it?

Seems to me maybe gather some more information and then decide how youf eel. At the end of the day they're your kids and you and your husband need to be comfy with where they go and what they do and who they're with. If this still bothers you - you need to voice that and ask that it not happen again. Maybe just say "We're trying to teach them that their naked bodies are only for them and that adults shouldn't be naked with children, so please don't do that again" which makes it more about what you're teaching them and not about being creeped out by your inlaws.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I would not be comfortable with it but I wouldn't make a big deal about either. I would just tell them I wasn't comfortable with anyone showering with my kids. At 5 I didn't even want the babysitter, their dad ect in the bathroom with them and they wanted privacy too.


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
I would not be comfortable with it but I wouldn't make a big deal about either. I would just tell them I wasn't comfortable with anyone showering with my kids. At 5 I didn't even want the babysitter, their dad ect in the bathroom with them and they wanted privacy too.

So what would happen if their dad was home with them and the 5yo had diarrhea and needed some help? Was he not allowed to go into the bathroom to help?

I'm really stunned at the viewpoint of most of this thread. Again, do the rest of you never go swimming? Because there are always naked people in the change rooms at the pools we go to.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Well #1 my kids are never in a changing room with a lot of naked strangers without me there. And #2 those rooms are big and no one is naked right up against my kid. Most people's showers are not some giant shower room and the idea of my kid being naked with another adult - even their grandparent - in a shower is just creepy to me, and apparently to a lot of other people too.

But to each their own - if you're cool with it, that's cool too. But it is not at all the same as being in a public changing room, for the above reasons.


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## Bug-a-Boo's Mama (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BookGoddess* 
I'd be uncomfortable if my child showered with an adult other than me or DH.

Exactly! And since I do not like my MIL-there would be HUGE problems after that. I also don't like the idea of him showering with my Mother either though.


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## jlobe (May 1, 2009)

see, part of why it don't mind with my kids is that growing up we were not encouraged to be comfortable with our bodies (not talking about them, seeing them, etc) and so by the time I was aware enough to be uncomfortable, I was really uncomfortable at pools, locker rooms, etc.

I would like to normalize it a bit for my children so that it is not such a big deal, and maybe they will not be as uncomfortable with their bodies as they mature.

Of course, so much of this depends on the age of the child as well as their feelings. Of course, if they are uncomfortable with it then I would discourage it... and also if I had concerns about the grandparents.


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## abiyhayil (Feb 8, 2008)

Sorry,but I've been obsessively coming back to see an update







OP what was the context? Was this normal for your DH growing up? Please!!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL83* 
So what would happen if their dad was home with them and the 5yo had diarrhea and needed some help? Was he not allowed to go into the bathroom to help?

.

they are rarely alone with their dad and never really have been (bad stuff, not married any more, especially the little has never spent any significant alone time with him. if they had a really close relationship I would feel differently. but he has never ever ever helped them with baths) But my oldest dd would help the baby in the bath if she neeeded it in an instance that I was not there. I can't stop him from going in there but I think she would rather her sister help her than someone else. (I just asked her and she said, without hesitating, that she would prefer her sister help her.)

Like I said I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I would just tell them I wasn't comfortablee with it.

locker rooms etc - there really aren't naked people at the pools around here. the health club we went to had private family changing rooms and no one changes clothes at the public pool. you come and leave in your suit....but if you did chasnge you would go into a curtained off changing area and wouoldn't change right out in public. not that I would care, other people can be as naked as they want so long as they aren't in the shower touching my naked child.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Hasn't anyone else noticed that the OP never came back to this thread?


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## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

My MIL, my mom and my sister have all showered with my DD. My FIL took DD and DS swimming at the "Splash and Play" for preschoolers once a week until June, when DD was 5 and 4 months. They all changed together in the "family" changing rooms, which are one large room, per family, there are 5 total. Knowing FIL, I'm sure he tried to be discreet, he is very private, but wouldn't let the changing room prevent him from spending time with DD. This is a non-issue for me. Ironically, the "European" side of my family (my Dad was born and raised in Scotland) is the more conservative in regards to nudity. My "run of the mill, midwestern" American family (mom and MIL) are OK with nudity, and my FIL is pretty cautious.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
Hasn't anyone else noticed that the OP never came back to this thread?

I keep checking back to see what she has decided.


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## amandaleigh37 (Jul 13, 2006)

No way. Nope. Never.

Why would this be necessary? If it were about "efficiency" then why not let the adults take a quick shower together, then give the kids a bath together?


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## sewcool (Jan 25, 2009)

wow i never knew i would open such a big thread on this topic. thanks though because i really feel better knowing im not the only one who thinks its a little strange. My kids are SUPER close with their meme and poppy they go to their house weekly for hours at a time and have since birth. the relationship is strong and though my kids run around naked and swim naked bathing with their naked grandparents seems out of place. My fil was mollested as a child which worries me a bit, but at the same time i am 98% sure he would never. So anyway thats not teh issue. the issue is just that i think its strange to see them naked, or be in the room while they are peeing. espically because my son came home telling me poppy is "giant" and my daughter told me meme's vagina is "hairy".

anyway how do i even presue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?


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## sewcool (Jan 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
Hasn't anyone else noticed that the OP never came back to this thread?


sorry its been a busy week and i havent been able to get on much


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amandaleigh37* 
No way. Nope. Never.

Why would this be necessary? If it were about "efficiency" then why not let the adults take a quick shower together, then give the kids a bath together?

It's also not necessary for kids to run around naked. That doesn't make it bad.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewcool* 
wow i never knew i would open such a big thread on this topic. thanks though because i really feel better knowing im not the only one who thinks its a little strange. My kids are SUPER close with their meme and poppy they go to their house weekly for hours at a time and have since birth. the relationship is strong and though my kids run around naked and swim naked bathing with their naked grandparents seems out of place. My fil was mollested as a child which worries me a bit, but at the same time i am 98% sure he would never. So anyway thats not teh issue. the issue is just that i think its strange to see them naked, or be in the room while they are peeing. espically because my son came home telling me poppy is "giant" and my daughter told me meme's vagina is "hairy".

anyway how do i even presue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?

If your kids are running around naked is it possible that this led the grandparents to believe you to be lax about nudity and that you wouldn't have a problem with it?


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewcool* 
wow i never knew i would open such a big thread on this topic. thanks though because i really feel better knowing im not the only one who thinks its a little strange. My kids are SUPER close with their meme and poppy they go to their house weekly for hours at a time and have since birth. the relationship is strong and though my kids run around naked and swim naked bathing with their naked grandparents seems out of place. My fil was mollested as a child which worries me a bit, but at the same time i am 98% sure he would never. So anyway thats not teh issue. the issue is just that i think its strange to see them naked, or be in the room while they are peeing. espically because my son came home telling me poppy is "giant" and my daughter told me meme's vagina is "hairy".

anyway how do i even presue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?

I think I'd just say "I hear you guys were in the shower with the kids last time... I think that's great, but in thinking about it I'd rather you weren't naked with them." But it might be good for your husband to say.

I did want to say - I found your 98% just a tad spooky. What's the other 2% about? Is it possible there's more going on with your instincts here? (By the way, I don't think his having been abused makes it likely; I'm going more on the idea that you didn't say 99% or 100%.)


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

98%, eh? Yikes...in that case, never leave your children alone with the grandparents ever again. Especially since FIL was molested as a child, I would think he would be even MORE sensitive to appropriate behavior around children and extra careful not to cross any lines that might make them feel weird. Now I'm kind of worried for your children. And "huge"...that freaks me out, too.


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## rayo de sol (Sep 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewcool* 
My fil was mollested as a child which worries me a bit, but at the same time i am 98% sure he would never.

98% is not enough when it comes to the possibility of children being molested. Please don't leave your children alone with the grandparents again unless you're 100% sure that nothing sexual will take place.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewcool* 
the issue is just that i think its strange to see them naked, or be in the room while they are peeing. espically because my son came home telling me poppy is "giant" and my daughter told me meme's vagina is "hairy".

Ack! Sewcool, this stuff would NOT be OK with me. In my opinion, the grandparents are crossing boundaries. Boundaries and privacy are very important. And the fact that your son said "giant" makes me worry that the grandfather was possibly aroused during the shower.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewcool* 
anyway how do i even presue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?

Sewcool, it doesn't matter if the grandparents think you're a "bitch." What matters is your children's safety. Just tell them that you don't feel comfortable with the communal showers, communal peeing, and general nudity. Say that you don't want the children to think that it's OK for just anyone to be naked in front of them. Say that you want the children to learn that they have a right to privacy and boundaries. Even if they badmouth you for saying anything, who cares? You have to do right by your kids.

It sounds like you should be there supervising during visits until you're 100% sure that nothing inappropriate is going on.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

It sounds like you have specific reasons to be concerned not just a generalized belief that GPs shouldn't shower with their same gender GKs.

Since you FIL was molested, it would be harder for him to be sure where the appropriate boundaries are. Some times he probably over reacts and feels something harmless and normal is inappropriate, but then he will over compensate and try too hard to be relaxed about normal human bodies by going in the other direction.

I would say the fact that your DC are telling you all about what happened suggests that nothing bad happened. It also gives you a non-judgmental reason to ask MIL and FIL to be more modest around your DC.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewcool* 
anyway how do i even presue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?

I'd just say to them that your DC have been talking about it in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and you're worried that they might say things that could be misinterpreted to their teachers or something, so could they try to avoid giving the kids anything to talk about.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amandaleigh37* 
Why would this be necessary? If it were about "efficiency" then why not let the adults take a quick shower together, then give the kids a bath together?

The only time I can get DS's hair shampooed is when I am in the shower with him. It really can make things easier and safer (in terms of slipping on the wet shower floor) to have an adult who isn't trying to bend over a bathtub rim just to soap up the kid, and can lift the child up into the water stream, etc. If their is only enough hot water for two showers, then who would be watching the kids while GM and GP showered with each other?

Now from the updates, I can see there are specific reasons the OP is uncomfortable, but I can also see all kinds of situations where it would be a perfectly sensible thing to do.


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## sea_joy (Aug 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspineau* 
, if you do not feel comfortable with it, then you have every right to ask them to stop doing that. Trust your instincts.


Exactly my thoughts. My kids don't bathe at my IL's because I don't want them to use the gross chemical-y shampoo and conditioner that is way too thick and perfumed and makes their hair sticky and gross in an hour. My FIL would NEVER bathe with my kids, my MIl is quite the prude as well. My kids are still little and I'm pretty much in charge of body-care. A group of naked people doesn't freak me out and as long as my kids are cool with is we can do saunas, etc. But it's something about anyone being behind a closed door with my naked child. I just can't handle it. (Please don't point out that this is my personal feeling and not a blanket judgement for everyone, I'm aware of that.)


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewcool* 
anyway how do i even pursue this subject with them without coming off a a bitch?

Don't ever worry about coming off as a bitch when it comes to the well being of your children. Just be sensitive and polite.


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## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

I wouldn't be comfortable w/it either and op, you can bring it up in a way that doesn't make it seem like you think they are doing something wrong.

BTW, my sons have walked in on my dh getting out of the shower and run around saying how HUGE daddy is and they have never seen him aroused.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
Since you FIL was molested, it would be harder for him to be sure where the appropriate boundaries are.


This is rediculous. i was molested as a child and am 100% sure about wre appropriate boundries are. I get tired of victems of moelstation being demonized. I am more concerned about adults who make sketchy sexual choices concensually than adults who were messed with as kids.

I may side with caution occaisionally but I was also raised to be very modest. So who's to say which is catalyst there. but I would never ever ever cross a line sexually with a child.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LROM* 
Well #1 my kids are never in a changing room with a lot of naked strangers without me there. And #2 those rooms are big and no one is naked right up against my kid. Most people's showers are not some giant shower room and the idea of my kid being naked with another adult - even their grandparent - in a shower is just creepy to me, and apparently to a lot of other people too.

But to each their own - if you're cool with it, that's cool too. But it is not at all the same as being in a public changing room, for the above reasons.

ITA with this sentiment. ^

I love nudity....I love it in art, I love it in photography and I love it in the privacey of my own home. Sleeping with my pudgy baby girl naked this summer has been such a sweet blessing to me and is like a nighttime meditation...very fond memories I hope to never forget.

But those are MY feelings on nudity....it is my job as her parent to protect her right to have whatever relationship with nudity that works for her. So...thinking of my DD in a shower with MIL...she's 15 mos, she's a baby. It wouldn't bother me...but as she gets older, I think putting her in the space of a shower with my MIL could be uncomfortable for her and she has a right to want more space when she's naked.

As for FILs...we don't have any in our family...one semi-interested FIL who lives two thousand miles away. FIL or my own father, would not ever be taking a shower with any of my kids. Period. And that's MY problem, I don't apologize for it and it's for my own peace of mind that I don't put any man naked around my kids or leave my kids with men alone. I'm flawed.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
This is rediculous. i was molested as a child and am 100% sure about wre appropriate boundries are. I get tired of victems of moelstation being demonized. I am more concerned about adults who make sketchy sexual choices concensually than adults who were messed with as kids.

I may side with caution occaisionally but I was also raised to be very modest. So who's to say which is catalyst there. but I would never ever ever cross a line sexually with a child.

I AGREE.

I've got to admit, as a survivor of abuse, I'm pretty personally offended by that comment. It would not be possible for me, to be attracted to a child...that's just a really gross thing to say about someone.

"She was victimized as a child, so she's so messed up that she probably doesn't even know how NOT to victimize someone else....what a shame"

NO....the truth is:

I'm a great lady, a great mom and wife and I am gracefully, phenominally and totally content in my life. I am not shriveled inside, I am happy and I have an amazing life. My being abused didn't hang like a weight around me...I struggled so hard to overcome the obstacles placed between me and peace of mind and mental stability. But I got here...I am free from it and I am eternally blessed to know the people I call my family. I don't have that bad family anymore...my life is now filled with deeply spirited, loving people. I have a small circle of family which is perfect and in harmony. I won.

I resent that there are people out there who view abuse survivors as damaged or pitiful. I am not damaged.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AverysMomma* 
"She was victimized as a child, so she's so messed up that she probably doesn't even know how NOT to victimize someone else....what a shame"

This isn't even close to what I said.

To begin with I wasn't talking about every single victim of sexual assault ever, I was talking about the OP's FIL, so I wouldn't be saying "she" at all. The OP describes having certain reservations about her FIL's behavior, so I am addressing those specifically.

Though obviously very few statements can be universally applied, things dealing with the complexities of human interactions are especially complex. If people tend to react to a certain experience in one of 5 ways, then one of those effects might only be relevant to 20% of the people who went through the experience. The fact that 80% of the people who went through it didn't have the same effect doesn't make it any less real, important to talk about it.

Having complex issues with what are normal bounderies and what aren't is one of the possible effects of abuse. Not just sexual abuse, but many types. I had an aunt who very much had problem with knowing how to mother her DD, related to being beaten severely as a child by her own mother who hated her. She just wasn't sure how to guide and discipline my cousin except knowing she didn't want to beat her DD. It lead to my cousin and aunt having a somewhat unclear relationship with each other.

Obviously not every single person reacts this way, probably not even most do. However, _some_ do, and from the way the OP talks about her FIL, he sounds to me like he may.


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## urchin_grey (Sep 26, 2006)

Ew, that would totally skeev me out. None of us (SO included) are close to my ILs though and DS has never even been alone with them. I would be okay with my mom bathing with DS but really there wouldn't be a need. She's bathed him and that's it. My dad wouldn't even consider bathing him, much less with him. He's just not the kind of guy to do that kind of stuff unless its his own kid. Both SO and I still bathe with DS though.

ETA: FWIW, it has nothing to do with naked bodies being dirty. As a matter of a fact, DS and DNephew are naked at home literally about 99% of the time (most of our friends have seen them naked and everyone from the maintenance guy to the pizza guy have caught a glimpse). And if my sister didn't live with us, SO and I would probably be a lot more naked a lot more often. Either way though, its more about the fact that my ILs are practically strangers to both DS and I because we see them *maybe* once a year, for a few hours. Honestly though, they are both such private, modest people, I don't think either of them would even consider it anyway.


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

I think it is rather odd to have grandparents shower with their grandchildren. I think giving a simple bath or letting them shower on their own would be fine.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

I would find it surprising, but it's all about context and family standards.

My parents were very 1970s open, walked around naked, rarely bothered closing the bathroom door unless we had adult guests (some of my childhood friends were freaked out!!), and routinely showered or bathed with my brother and me. Still, it was very unusual for us to see our grandparents naked. Even though I was only 6 when I began having long summer visits with my mom's parents without my parents along, my grandparents always closed doors for their privacy, and my grandma supervised my baths fully clothed. I was surprised when my mom was telling stories of her childhood and mentioned seeing her mother change clothes. The only times I ever did were if we went to a pool with a big locker room, etc., and when they were old and sick and needed help doing things.

It seems to me that grandparents are not quite the same as parents on the modesty front, esp. if (like mine) they aren't around the grandchildren on a really frequent basis, so it makes sense to draw the lines wider than for parents.

Sewcool, I would have your husband tell his parents that the kids came home and told you more than you wanted to know about their bodies and you're a little freaked out!







Then he could explain how he and you would like them to handle issues like limited time for showering, kids needing help with shampoo, etc.


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