# What's mine is mine, what's yours is mine, and if you want it IT"S MINE!!!



## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I know it's a phase, but it still doesn't work well with going to toddler play times.

So people who have weathered the MINE!!! phase, what kind of gentle guidance has helped you get through the process with a minimum of wear and tear on everyone's nerves?

My current guidance phrases are:

"These toys are for everyone."

"Everyone gets to play."

"Let's make sure there's a <TOY> for everyone." (e.g. train table)

"That boy/girl/baby is using that toy right now, you can ask if you can use it when he/she is done. Let's play with this other toy."

"Tell that boy/girl/baby that you are using the toy right now. (to other child) Here's another toy you can play with until she's done."

And, less patiently, "you weren't using that anymore, chill out!"


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Where's the popcorn? I'll be watching this thread....


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

here ya go


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I was all hopeful when I saw there were two replies.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I think you already nailed it: it's just a phase. There really is no reasoning with toddlers with regards to sharing. They are egocentric, and are unable to extend empathy to others if it involves something they, too, want as theirs.

I think the best way to go about it is have identical items for each kid. But even then, you'll have little ones who decide they want them ALL; forget about sharing.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Noooooooo!!!!! I was hoping there'd be something better than a band-aid solution. Sigh....

Okay, so about when does it end? What age would you expect 90% of kids to be better with sharing? 95? Most and the exceptions are so few that they really stand out and are probably due to needing a nap and a snack?


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## skreader (Nov 19, 2008)

There's also the "If you don't stop arguing about it, I will remove it and no one can play with it".

I usually only did that one w/ my own kids & when there was no clear ownership & removal would last from anywhere from 2-3 minutes to days (when everyone including me forgot that the "precious" item was sitting on a high shelf).


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## Amatullah0 (Apr 7, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
> 
> Noooooooo!!!!! I was hoping there'd be something better than a band-aid solution. Sigh....
> 
> Okay, so about when does it end? What age would you expect 90% of kids to be better with sharing? 95? Most and the exceptions are so few that they really stand out and are probably due to needing a nap and a snack?


Yep, at around 95 they start sharing. Maybe a little earlier than that though. The way I look at it is, I don't share all of my toys with other people (If I'm playing a game on my cell in the Dr. office am I going to let the random 30 year old stranger next to me play too? Unlikely.)

But it tends to be different in the kid world. Maybe because sharing toys is a way to make friends?

DS is usually really great with sharing, but he's younger than yours. Sometimes he will decide that it's HIS, and I don't push it, but we haven't been hanging around ANY kids near his age lately. I can tell when he needs a nap or a snack because thats when he starts acting like, well, a toddler









But yeah, that's how toddlers are. I can't wait.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Amatullah0*
> 
> Yep, at around 95 they start sharing. Maybe a little earlier than that though. The way I look at it is, I don't share all of my toys with other people (If I'm playing a game on my cell in the Dr. office am I going to let the random 30 year old stranger next to me play too? Unlikely.)
> 
> ...


I don't care if dd shares a toy she's playing with, I'll even pick up a toy to keep it safe for her if she heads off to get something else to use with it. When other people try to tell their kids to just hand over a toy "Share your toy!!" I say right away that dd can wait until the child is done with the toy. In fact, I really really really HATE that people do that because part of DD's current problems is that when she was younger she got it into her head that "share" = "give to DD" specifically because of other parents forcing their kids to share (and that's WITH me doing my best to avert it).

What I care about is how she'll have no interest in something UNTIL another child wants it. Or she'll put down a toy, start to go away (done with it, not getting something else to use with it), and then get mad because another kid goes to pick it up. Or she'll be looking at a set of identical toys and then go to try to get the only one that someone else is trying to use. Or the way that she won't just push around a toy train, but will instead whine and complain and cry about how she doesn't have ALL the trains. In fact, in all those cases, instead of playing she gets focused on wanting and protecting, she'll also stop playing to start wanting and protecting.

That's the phase I want to end already.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

She begs (literally "pleeeeease Mommy, pleeeeeease!!!") to go play with kids, and then we get there and she splits her time between playing alone and trying to keep other kids from using the toys. With a smidge of parallel play and a very very very little bit of playing with another kid.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
> 
> She begs (literally "pleeeeease Mommy, pleeeeeease!!!") to go play with kids, and then we get there and she splits her time between playing alone and trying to keep other kids from using the toys. With a smidge of parallel play and a very very very little bit of playing with another kid.


That's normal, too. Most kids don't really play together together until age 3+. Even then, you'll see a lot of parallel play with meaningful (ie not grabbing toys) here and there. It's one reason I think Montessori works so well, especially in those early years. They are working side-by-side, but not necessarily together. Oh, and speaking of Montessori, having worked with toddlers years ago, they do learn to "share" in the sense that there is only one of each work, and sharing consists of waiting until the other kid is done and has put it away for it to be free to use. And they really do get it - b/c it's not sharing in the sense that just b/c your friend wants what you have you have to be nice and hand it over, but it's respectful like when spouses have to share one computer. You wait until the other person is done vs. being made to get off of it right then and there.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

What kind of things did you do to help the toddlers learn that process?

And thank you for the analogy, taking turns with a spouse on a piece of family equipment is exactly the kind of sharing I like.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Oh, and just to reiterate, I know it's normal and I know she won't grow out of the phase until she's ready. I just want things that will facilitate her moving out of the phase as soon as she's ready.

For example, when she was very young, she'd pull my books off the bookshelf. I'd tell her "you can look at my books, but they need to go back on the shelf, can you help me put them away?" and just put them away myself. One day, she did start helping put them back, and shortly after that she stopped pulling the books off. She would've stopped pulling the books off anyway, but because I'd modeled putting them away she put them away. It didn't stop that phase any faster, but it reduced how annoying the phase was a bit sooner.


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## HeliMom (Jan 14, 2010)

One more phrase to add to your toolbox that we use when "mine" pops up: "It's not yours, but you wish it was yours. You like that_________so much, and wish it was yours but it's ___ (so and so's, everyone's, not yours)___."

It seems to diffuse her a bit, maybe because she feels like I'm trying to understand her too?( of course I could be projecting that that's the reason why it works







)


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *HeliMom*
> 
> One more phrase to add to your toolbox that we use when "mine" pops up: "It's not yours, but you wish it was yours. You like that_________so much, and wish it was yours but it's ___ (so and so's, everyone's, not yours)___."
> 
> ...


Ooo nice!

I have done that when we had to leave "you wish we could stay and play with kids forever, you had lots of fun, what was your favorite part?" cuddling her close as she cries and cries and cries. Life is tough when you're 2.


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## LCBMAX (Jun 18, 2008)

I have no real answers, just munching the popcorn here too, but I did want to wave at you, sapphire, from the e.c. contingent -- I've noticed that my 3 year old's 3 year old behavior in this line (and especially re sharing and hitting) is sooooooo much worse when I've forgotten to make pee opportunities in time. Lately at playgroup I remove us when I see the pattern starting, and we go for a walk, find a tree, etc. It's all s.l.i.g.h.t.l.y. better when we get back. Or at least it's reset to the "a nice time is still possible" moment.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Helimom - that's exactly what I was going to suggest - validate their feelings and experience before telling them your guidelines. Also with 3+ , you can turn it back on them, ie "There is ONE truck/doll... and TWO friends who want it - what should we do?" Let them brainstorm before adding our adult suggestions.


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## Lazy Gardens (Dec 11, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
> 
> What I care about is how she'll have no interest in something UNTIL another child wants it. Or she'll put down a toy, start to go away (done with it, not getting something else to use with it), and then get mad because another kid goes to pick it up. Or she'll be looking at a set of identical toys and then go to try to get the only one that someone else is trying to use. Or the way that she won't just push around a toy train, but will instead whine and complain and cry about how she doesn't have ALL the trains. In fact, in all those cases, instead of playing she gets focused on wanting and protecting, she'll also stop playing to start wanting and protecting.
> 
> That's the phase I want to end already.


It's normal toddler behavior. It will end when it ends, and the more you make an issue of it, the higher your stress level goes. If you can't deal with a non-sharing toddler, keep yourself out of the group play area and let her do her thing.

Looking back at my extended family's children - some were sharers as toddlers and some weren't. By the time they were 4 or so, they would freely share most toys. There was no pressure to make them share THEIR favorite toys (as compared to the family sand-box toys, general games, etc.).


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LCBMAX*
> 
> I have no real answers, just munching the popcorn here too, but I did want to wave at you, sapphire, from the e.c. contingent -- I've noticed that my 3 year old's 3 year old behavior in this line (and especially re sharing and hitting) is sooooooo much worse when I've forgotten to make pee opportunities in time. Lately at playgroup I remove us when I see the pattern starting, and we go for a walk, find a tree, etc. It's all s.l.i.g.h.t.l.y. better when we get back. Or at least it's reset to the "a nice time is still possible" moment.


Yeah, I've tried to watch for that too (plus, hungry, tired, too hot, too cold). And when she's cranky and refusing to play with *me*, it is frequently that. But with other kids, she just doesn't right now.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Wendlynnn*
> 
> Helimom - that's exactly what I was going to suggest - validate their feelings and experience before telling them your guidelines. Also with 3+ , you can turn it back on them, ie "There is ONE truck/doll... and TWO friends who want it - what should we do?" Let them brainstorm before adding our adult suggestions.


Excellent. Really looking forward to that.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lazy Gardens*
> 
> It's normal toddler behavior. It will end when it ends, and the more you make an issue of it, the higher your stress level goes. If you can't deal with a non-sharing toddler, keep yourself out of the group play area and let her do her thing.
> 
> Looking back at my extended family's children - some were sharers as toddlers and some weren't. By the time they were 4 or so, they would freely share most toys. There was no pressure to make them share THEIR favorite toys (as compared to the family sand-box toys, general games, etc.).


Again, I don't care if she doesn't share the toys she's currently using. It's that she'll go out of her way to try to take toys that other people are currently using, or will go out of her way to try to keep toys from others.

E.g. she's happily playing with a couple train cars at the train table. There are other train cars laying on the table and she doesn't do anything with them as she's pushing the train cars around. Then another kid comes up and reaches for a train car on the table. DD will let go of the train cars she was playing with to rush over to the other kid to try to grab the train cars she wasn't even looking at before. (While telling the kid to "Share!" because of exposure to families who force sharing.)


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Honestly I think those toddler play tiimes are more for the moms than the toddlers, because kids that young often do not play well with others.


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## mosomers (Mar 5, 2008)

As one who used to take care of 13 two year olds at church for a couple of hours a week, I found this to be super useful and surprising:

"Why don't you ask if so-and-so will give you that toy when he/she's done with it? Say, 'May I have a turn when you're done please?'"

Amazingly, little 2yo's would stop tantruming, say, "Ha tuwn when you done pees?" and then wait patiently until the other child gave them the toy, which only took a matter of seconds. And it really did look like they were putting aside their egotism for a second and wanting to make another kid happy! It was fantastic!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Arduinna*
> 
> Honestly I think those toddler play tiimes are more for the moms than the toddlers, because kids that young often do not play well with others.


No, that was the playgroups before when she was too little to care what toy she had as long as she had a toy. Then I could sit and chatter and occasionally find her a new toy. Now? Now we only go to group activities because she's begging to play with kids.


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