# Grandma taking over discipline???



## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

I'm not really looking for any advice or anything, just need to talk this out to people who would understand.

I'm really trying hard to come around to the non spanking thing. Most days I do good, but we are well into 2 years of age, and my child is one who doesn't willingly give up when you tell him he can't do/have something, but I learn a lot here.

I live with my mom right now (and dad) and while I am fighting excruciatingly hard to move out (there are steps that need to be taken...) I am not able to leave their house as of yet. As SOON as an opportunity gives itself up, I'm taking it.

My mom was, is, and always will be a spanker. These days, though, she is a grandmother and she spanks gracious little, but I don't really care for her methods of caring for children. She fancies herself and expert, and I'm "expected" to allow her to care for him while I have to do things, which I must at times, and I feel her taking care of him is better than some stranger. My child absolutely loves her, and they get along extremely well.

But I don't want her disciplining him IF I'M RIGHT THERE. I am trying to pinpoint why. He was getting into her cabinets the other day, and she didn't want him to. (I take issue with her not wanting him to get into ANYTHING, etc, another reason why I'm really fanning the bushes trying to find another place to stay..anyhow) He was resisting her. I got up out of my chair and was reaching for my son while telling him he should mind his grandma, when she tapped him on his leg! Now, it was not a whack or anything, I KNOW it didn't hurt him. I've seen people pat their newborns on their backs to burp them much harder. But it hurt his feelings and he started to wail. So I took him (I was in the middle of a sentence to him not 2 feet away from him coming to get him to take care of the situation when she did it.) And I told her that "I'll spank him next time." (I don't spank, but that's what i blurted out, what I really meant was I'll take care of the situation next time...)

She gave me a exasperated look. I said, No, it's ok, I know you have to discipline him when I'm not here, but if I'm right here talking to him, then I'll handle it. I said this really light heartedly as I escort my 2 year old to my room to nurse him. (Can't whip out the good ole boob right there in the living room with granddaddy, dontcha know. God I really need my own place!!)

So I was hoping the little incident would bury itself in the sea of other issues I take with them living under their roof.

But the other day, my dad tells me that I should (get this) APOLOGIZE TO MY MOM FOR SAYING THIS TO HER! (Geesh, what about her apologizing to G for hitting his leg and hurting his feelings??)

I was totally shocked into confusion.

His reasons? "You know your mother would never hurt G."

I explained to him that it wasn't the point, I know that my mom would never for a moment hurt g. But I was right there trying to talk to him about listening to her, and for her to tap his leg like that (and it really hurt his feelings really bad...) really undercut my authority.

He goes into this banter about how I'm missing the point, about how ludicrous it would be for them to have to call Boppi (my nephew whom they keep, 2 weeks older than my child, so also two years old) for them to have to call his dad everytime they needed to discipline.

I tell him that no, HE is missing the point because I just finished telling him that IF I'M NOT THERE and she is keeping g, then YES she may have situations where she would have to discipline him, but IF I'M RIGHT THERE trying to handle the situation, she should back off and let me handle it.

I give him the example of my grandmother and my mom, and when my mom would take me over there to see grandma, if I did something wrong, my grandma BACKED OFF and let my mom handle it IF SHE WAS THERE(/in the room!) If she was NOT THERE then yes, my grandma would handle the situation! It's respecting that I was my mom's child to do with as she saw fit. His eyes gaze off into the tv and he has this grimace on his face, the thing he does when he's telling me he's not going to agree and he'll never agree with me. So I kind of go silent and he changes the subject to something else.

Bottom line, I'm not apologizing to her. I said what I meant.

Whew. Ok, just needed to get that off of my chest.


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

my take: they don't respect you *because* you live with them.
unsolicited advice (you said you didn't want any, but can i just say this one thing): focus your energy on whatever steps you need to take to get out of there.
best of luck!!


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## cycle (Nov 18, 2004)

Are you ok with your mom spanking him?


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

You have several problems. Your biggest problem: they think you are still their child, and I think to some degree you are allowing this perception to continue.

Bottom line: don't argue. Don't try to spare their feelings. In short, don't be the adolescent they are treating you as.

"You may not hit G. You may not discipline him. I am his mother. I will take care of him. This subject is closed for further discussion."


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## LankyLizards (Mar 11, 2007)

I am dealing with the exact same situation, except that I only live with my father. My parents constantly discipline my daughter right in front of me. My mother says I am too much like a child, so dd does not take me seriously. I am 27. I am convinced that it is because I live with my father that they both treat me like a child, and apparently think of me as one also. OP: I think we both need to get our own places. Good luck!


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## BabyBugsMom (Jun 10, 2005)

Is there any way you can sit down with both your parents and discuss the situation?

Some kind of boundaries need to be in place, whether you're living with them or independently. And, really, the fact that you are the mom and are *in charge* of the raising of your child is pretty basic.


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

You're his mother, that's why you don't like them disciplining him. My kids' grandparents all know that if they EVER spank, they'll be lucky to even see the kids again, much less get unsupervised time with them. That is totally unacceptable. They are welcome to discipline them if I'm not around, of course, though there isn't much need. Grandparent time is "fun" time for the kiddos (and my 2nd is too young to discipline anyway). If anyone spanked one of my babies they'd be lucky not to get knocked flat on their asses. I'd find a way to get out of there, and in the meantime tell them in no uncertain terms that disciplining your son is not their job.


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## phreedom (Apr 19, 2007)

My parents don't discipline my child (well neither do I...she's 10 months old) but they frequently do and say things that undermine my role as her parent. My mom will give her bites of junk food that I don't want her to have...encourage her to destroy things...encourage her to spit food back out at me ect...encourage her to say curse words/offensive slurs...

I understand that some kids do all/some of the above, and I'm certain that at some point in her life, mine will to. But I don't think the fact they are "encouraging" it now is cute. And they won't think it's cute when she's 2 y/o running around their house destroying their things, spitting twinkies at them and cussing at them. They will probably tell me I need to "control" my child.

My parents have done alot for me and they love my DD to bits, but she is still my child. If I don't agree with something they are doing, I tell them to stop it. In a nice way of course. I know your situation is different since your living there, but she really needs to back off when you are there. And spanking is not something I would compromise on.


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## calidarling (Jul 14, 2006)

This would drive me







:

While my parents may at times take over feeding or bathing when I am around they would never try to discipline my ds. Even at his age, while there is no disciplining, if ds cries or is upset at all and I am around, they back off and let me take care of it.

When ds is older and my parents watch him without me, they will have the right to follow OUR parenting rules, which will never include spanking. AND if they are unable to follow such rules they will be unable to have ds without me around.

I understand that you use your parents as childcare providers and that can sometimes blur the lines, but as the parent, you need to protect your little one from behavior that you do not find acceptable.


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## MaryTheres (Mar 21, 2007)

Sort of. My Mil watches DS while I work 2 days a week (we do not live with them or anything). Now she doesn't spank (as far as I know, though they did spank DH occassionally growing up .. hmmm wonder if I should ask her about that specifically). And she is great. Thank God! And I understand she has to correct/redirect etc. when she is watching him. But she also steps right in when I am present - this has started recently (of course, he was so young before he didn't need discipline but now he's turning 2) . Anyway, it sort of annoys me and I wasn't quite sure why either. she probabaly just does it out of habit. But we were on a family vacation with them (big mistake, btw!) and I ended up feeling at times that I was co-parenting with Mil instead of DH! I just find that annoying but I am not sure if it just me being overly sensitive, moody.

Anyway, your sitch would really drive me nuts. And I agree with the previous poster- no apology just state how things will run simply and clearly ad nauseum (i.e., "when I am rpesent I discipline, mom/grandmom does not. He's my child and that's the end of the discussion."


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## ggs (Aug 6, 2007)

((((Hugs)))) I feel for you.







:

We are in a similar situation. Both sets of grandparents discipline when DH and I are in the room with our child (nobody spanks, thank goodness, but my Dad does sometimes yell). It really drives me crazy. I've already had the talk with my parents about respecting me as the mother, and to allow me to deal the situation when I am present. I didn't offer any reasons or excuses, I just said that when DH or I are present, all disciplining should be left to us. Period.
We need to have the talk with MIL soon. Fun!

No real advice (not that you wanted any!







), just letting you know that you aren't alone.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ThreeBeans* 
You have several problems. Your biggest problem: they think you are still their child, and I think to some degree you are allowing this perception to continue.

Bottom line: don't argue. Don't try to spare their feelings. In short, don't be the adolescent they are treating you as.

"You may not hit G. You may not discipline him. I am his mother. I will take care of him. This subject is closed for further discussion."









:

You MUST be the adult here and not allow this.

-Angela


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## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

as was pointed out to me once ...

You are that childs mother, you are the gate keeper, you are their sole protector, that's it... YOU!

No one else will protect or know your child like you do - step up or maybe I should say Keep stepping up.


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## kkeris (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ThreeBeans* 
You have several problems. Your biggest problem: they think you are still their child, and I think to some degree you are allowing this perception to continue.

Bottom line: don't argue. Don't try to spare their feelings. In short, don't be the adolescent they are treating you as.

"You may not hit G. You may not discipline him. I am his mother. I will take care of him. This subject is closed for further discussion."

I agree.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

My MIL tried this. We've just resorted to being really mean about it. Before DS was born, we explained that we know while they believe in spanking, we don't. When DS was 18 months or so, he reached for a candle she had lit on the table. She pulled her hand back to pop his, and I said, "you won't see him again." She looked at me pretty shocked, and I said, "we weren't kidding. We don't believe in hitting our children." She tried to tell on me for being mean to her by telling DH, but that didn't work.

The scolding while we're in the room has happened, too. DH, who's the most laid-back person I've ever met in my life, has lost it with her twice about it. I think it took the 2nd time. Once, he put his hand up and said, "I've got this." The other time we were on the phone. DS did something, and DH was telling him not to. She started lecturing DH about what he should be doing (essentially screaming at DH to scare him, which my in-laws firmly believe in). DH got so pissed, he said, "_I_ know how to parent" and hung up the phone. She didn't talk to him for a bit after that.

So, those are our stories.

I doubt it will get better in your case until you move out, so that would be my focus. Even then, you'll probably have to deal with it, but at least you won't be in the position of depending on your parents for your support. (And, by the way, what's the deal with Dad telling you that it hurt Mom's feelings? My in-laws are like that as well. Maybe it's because I was raised by a single mom who never shied away from saying whatever she thought, but I find that so weird and insulting.)


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Thanks so much for all the responses. (Sorry, it took me so long to get back, I don't have regular internet access...)

To answer one question, no, I am most certainly not ok with my mom spanking him.

I agree that I really need to move out, and that's what I'm working hard on right now.

Unfortunately the assistance that I need to move out has like a 1 to 3 year waiting list. I'm having marital issues with my husband, but I almost rather stay with him move out than to stay in the house with my parents.

I also totally agree that they don't respect me because I live with them. I've lived with them several times now behind my husband's failures, and I really need to get independant of my husband, so I can almost understand where they are coming from, but yet I am still my child's mother.

The other thing they said that bothered me was this:

My son cries and yells and tantrums with me when I'm trying to get him to do something (i.e. come in from outside when it's 110 degrees out there, etc..) but the moment he sees my mom, he stops. I asked them why this was, and my dad says "Your mom has more experience with raising children than you do."

That rubbed me raw, and I have yet to figure out exactly why. He's my child, I know him better than anybody. I might go to the best Natural AP parenting teacher this side of the country, and she might have oodles more experience than I do, but I am still my child's mother.

It also bothers me that my child rips himself away from me so that he can be with his grandma and grandad. I'd almost rather him stay with me, but he spends all of his time with them and I have to drag him screaming and hollering if I want to take him somewhere myself, just the 2 of us, and it leaves me totally confused.

Anyhow, thanks for listing to my ranting.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Maybe you can focus on different ways to get out. I'm guessing you're waiting for housing assistance or something? What about looking into live-in nanny situations? What about going back to school at a college with single mom housing and support? Other relatives?


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