# reaching out to other moms of stillbirth babes



## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

Hi... I am new to this forum, and need to make some connections with other moms who have gone thru the same as I. My story and situation sounds so similiar to others I have been reading, but I want to post it anyway. We were expecting our first child 03/09/05, and I went 12 days past my EDD. I was not looking forward to having to be induced, and that day was looming, so I was thrilled when I went into labor on my own on 03/21/05. I had been practicing Hypnobirthing, and was totally relaxed and in a state of peace about my labor and birth. We went into the hospital at 2pm, and by 2:30pm my midwife sadly let us know that there was no heartbeat...we were stunned and shocked. During my pregnancy, we had talked about the endless possibilities of how we would deal with a physically or mentally disabled baby, and we both felt that whatever happened, we could raise the child with the same love and care that we would with a healthy baby born to us. And there were no reasons to think that we would or could have anything but a healthy baby. Never, ever did we even think about the possibility that this could happen. After this news, at first I thought I wanted a C-Section, I panicked, thought I couldn't go thru the emotional pain of a long labor, as my cervix wasn't dialated or thinned at that point. But as events changed and decisions were made, I waited and a few hours later at 10:16pm I gave birth to my daughter, Coral Rose. Her birth was an incredible, joyous, transforming experience for us, aside from the incredible, sorrowful, transforming experience that it also was. I have never had anything so sad and hollowing happen to me- she was a part of my body, a part of my mind, and my soul, and with her not with me, I feel as though I am not complete- and that I never will be again. This is not how I was expecting to feel a few short weeks ago! I am waiting for her photos from the hospital. I only had a total of ten minutes to actually see and hold her- I didn't know what to do! I would have held her for hours if I had known that it was 'OK' to do that, that I would have regretted it so much if I hadn't- but I was so sad and afraid and numb. I wish I had touched each and every part of her little perfect body that I had been wondering about for the 10 months she was inside me... I didn't know she was a girl until she was born- now I half-wish I had known so I could have bonded more to her as the little girl that she was in the small amount of time we were to have together- I thought we'd have years and years. Now I know that nothing is to be counted on- everything should be valued as if it could be gone in the next instant, as was my daughter! We think she died sometime approx. 12 hours before her birth- no known reason as of yet, we are waiting for the lab results to return referencing any genetic problems. We decided against an autopsy- couldn't bear to marr her perfect skin and bones. There were no cord problems. She last kicked at 4:30pm the previous afternoon- she gave her father a high-five before my afternoon walk. We may never know why, and it seems very unimportant to me now. On a good day I think she wasn't meant to live in this world- just her short time in my belly- safe, secure, all of her needs met, and loved so hard by her parents. But mostly I feel alone without her- I wanted to meet her so badly! I was ready to give her everything. I am trying to find ways to connect with her- now the only thing that brings me any feeling like this is to hold next to me the 2 blankets that they wrapped her in after she was born. It feels like I am holding my baby- it gives me relief for about an hour, and then I have to put them down- they are only blankets, and not my child, and then they bring me sadness. When I see the spring birds outside, I send them messages to tell Coral how much I love her and miss her. I can only hope that she knows this- my partner is so supportive, but his grief is different than mine- he is back to his routine and it seems to help him to have distraction. But I don't want to go back to anything- I was supposed to be taking care of my daughter now- learning about her, making eye-contact with her, touching her little fingers, breastfeeding, kissing, and loving her. It has only been a couple weeks, and I know I have a long road ahead- but part of me wants to stay as close to the memories as I can- I don't want it to go back to 'normal'. I don't want to make adjustments, or to learn to live with the pain. How can a life that was so perfect and wanted be 'moved on' from? We are seeing a grief counselor, and are attending an infant loss support group. These hours are helpful and soothing. It is when I am alone that I can't bear to be without her. I am hoping that those who have gone thru a similiar loss can reach out and share some hope if they have any, or to comisserate if they have none. Thanks for bearing with a long long posting!


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I just want to offer you love and hugs. I am so sorry for the death of your lovely Coral Rose. Peace to you.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I had 15 weeks to hold my baby in my womb, and it just doesn't seem possible to be so sad about the loss of someone I never really knew. We lost our baby 2 weeks ago. I know how sad I am and feel very lonely without my baby inside me. I know that for whatever reason that we were only meant to have that short time together, but it doesn't stop the pain, and the loss of the dreams and thoughts that I had for my baby. I am realizing that all the logic in the world doesn't seem to fill the void, but I am also realizing that it will get better a little at a time. This group has been so helpful and supportive. Know that I am sending my love and good thoughts. You are not alone.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Hello mama,
So sorry for the loss of your Coral Rose- what a beautiful name. My daughter Adelaide was stillborn on November 28, 2004. I have known pain like yours and want you to know you are not alone in the things you are feeling. The shock and saddness can be so overwhelming right now and you are not expected to be getting back to "normal". Just know it is okay to not feel like doing anything or getting back to a routine, what you are doing is fine, you are grieving for your daughter.
I am glad you found this forum, it has been such a support for me during the last four months and I hope you find it to be as well. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and heart.








Angela


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i am sorry you lost Coral Rose, what a beautiful name may i ask how you chose it?

thank you for sharing Coral Rose with us

take care

tara


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

We chose her name because my partner and I both love the ocean... when we were falling in love, we were on a vacation to St.John USVI and each day we would snorkel out to some beautiful coral reefs, and were just in awe of the beautiful underwater world, and when we went back to a sunny climate during my 7th month of pregnancy, the name Coral came up as a possibility if the baby was a girl. Rose is the middle name of my paternal grandmother- my partner particularly liked it because he thought he would call her 'Rosie' as a his special nickname. When we gave birth to the baby, we wanted to wait to see her face before giving her her name- we had 3 possibilities, and when I saw her, after a few hours of letting it resonate, the name Coral Rose just seemed to be her name- she may have helped me pick it out! We have a beautiful photograph of my partner scubadiving, looking thru a tall stand of pink and yellow coral. We made a family photo album to give to Coral in her coffin. We put pictures of our house, her room, her cradle, our dogs and cat, and pictures of her mom and dad doing all of the things they love to do, and that we wanted her to do with us- kayak, canoe, swim, camp, and lounge in the family bed with the doggies. I wrote captions telling what each picture meant, and we included the photo of her papa scubadiving and why we chose her name. She is so fiercely loved- we wanted her to always have a book to remember us with. My mother gave me a small pewter angel, holding a baby in her arms, for the previous Christmas holiday. I had it hanging at the head of her cradle, to show the baby how much she was wanted and loved- there is an inscription on the angel by Willa Cather. It says 'where there is great love there are always miracles'. We put the angel in with the photo album, and we are having that same quote written below her name on her headstone. During the week after her birth and death, we had a few days to plan and prepare for the last day we could see her- I was really wanting to hold her again, to spend hours with her and tell her all of the things I needed her to know- that we would always be with her, we would always love her, always think of her and talk to her, that she would always be a part of us. My partner pointed out that while our parents had 30-some years to make decisions and plans for us, we had only this week to do so for our daughter, and we wanted to do everything as good as we could so she would be in a safe place. Coral Rose is a beautiful name- and she was such a perfect little baby- it is so hard to be without her. Thanks for asking about her- it feels nice to have people interested in her. And thank you to the other women who wrote a response to me. It feels as though all I want to do is think about and talk about Coral, her birth, my pregnancy, and the possibility of having a little brother/sister for Coral. We feel like parents now! And I know we are Coral's parents- its so confusing not to be able to show this physical love and care to our baby. I wonder if any of you have experienced these feelings after you lost your babes. Nothing else seems to interest me- just thoughts of my daughter, and the feeling of needing to give this enormous new sense of mothering to a child...


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## lisahas2cats (May 4, 2004)

I am so, so sorry for your loss


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Your posts have left me in tears. I am so sorry you aren't holding your precious daughter Coral Rose in your arms. You are and will always be her mama.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Coral Rose. What a beautiful name you gave her. My daughter Arawyn was born still December 21 2003. I too felt the need to talk about her, my pregnancy with her, and her death. It was all I could concentrate on for quite some time. I shared so much with the women here on this board. They are very loving and understanding. It helped me greatly. I also created a website for her with pictures and her birth story. As you said I felt like I needed to parent her, and her memorial service and website are all I can truly give her.

If you would like you can share more details with us about Coral. I would love to hear about her.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

My, it really is a nice crutch to be in a dialog with others who can feel the pain we are feeling. I was talking to my partner today about our childbirth classmates. We were all due within 2 weeks of eachother, and the reason we took the class was to make connections with other local couples in our same situation- we were all pregnant for the 1st time, and I really became fond of all of the couples... I imagined after all of the five babies were born from the class, we would stay in touch, talk about all the details of our births, breastfeeding stuff, life changes, work changes, and watch our babes grow together. After Coral was born, it was so hard to wait to hear it thru our small town's grapevine who had their babies and if it was a boy or girl... I knew I wasn't going to be a part of that anymore. I have been thinking of calling them to ask about how its all going, because I truely do care- yet I don't call because I can't trust that I won't crumble and cry, and I feel as though this would make them feel uncomfortable. That is why I am really finding comfort writing and reading here- it is a real support, being able to tell other mothers about my own child and her birth. I received a call from the OB unit at our hospital, and Coral's photos that they took will be ready tomorrow afternoon. I am so relieved... it has been long enough that the mental picture I have of Coral in my memory is becoming fuzzy. I am looking forward to seeing these pictures- I know the nurses and our midwife were so compassionate and caring, I am hoping they took good pictures of her for us. She was 7 and 1/2 pounds, 22 inches long, and she had long, fine brown hair. She had the most long and delicate fingers, graceful and elegant. Her footprints show me that she had my feet- same toes. She was such an active little kicker in my belly- up until she ran out of room in there, she swirled and moved and punched and fluttered all the time. I really loved being pregnant with her- it was only the last few weeks of my pregnancy that I felt ready to let go of my big belly- and that was only because I was so curious about who our child was. She really enjoyed when I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. She definately knew who her papa was- she rolled and kicked when he talked to her, and toward the end of the pregnancy, he was painting on my belly- a big red ripe tomato, a little cowbaby, a mermaid baby under the sea, and a huge easter egg... she enjoyed these sessions as much as we did. I feel pretty confident that she was content in her little world- my partner called it a 5-star hotel in my belly. I know she knew my voice, and could hear my steady heartbeat. I know she felt me massage her back thru my skin. These thoughts make me feel better- I gave her everything I could with all the love of a mommy while I was able to. For a few days, when I read other postings and books about other mothers and fathers who had lost their children to whatever reason, I couldn't finish reading sometimes- there was so much loss out there- it seemed like the world I was entering could swallow itself up into a big black hole... to think of Coral is to think of Arawyn, Adelaide, Keena, Faolan, and all of the other babes, these little perfect innocents are the light that prevents this black hole from happening.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you for sharing your Beautiful Daughter Coral Rose with us.. I hope that you will find comfort coming here to share her often.. It has been two months since we lost our son Luke who was stillborn at 40 weeks and one day. I went in for a check up and no heartbeat. It is such an awful thing to have to have in common with other women, I have an overwhelming rush of emotions each time I read about another loss. Peace be with you as you grieve your beautiful Coral Rose and I will be thinking of you..

Sarah


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

Oh, mama

Thank you for sharing Coral Rose with us. There is such great support and understanding in this forum - it's like belonging to a club that nobody wants to join. And you can share anything here.

Our first child Jacob was born October 23, 1998; he died when I was 8 cm or so and was born 1 1/2 hours later ...

We did go on to have other children (Noah, 10/25/99 and Nathaniel 5/02) which was the best thing for us.

I wish you strength and, ultimately, peace, on this strange journey you've been unwittingly sent upon.

Barbara


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Coral's name was beautifully chosen. Thank you for sharing more of her with us. If you feel comfortable, please share her picture with us. It helped so much when I was able to show pictures of my Brian.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

coralsmom, I am so sorry for your loss. Her name is beautiful, and I love the story of how her name came to be. Our second child, Samantha was stillborn, at 29w from a cord injury. This board is the best place that I found for support and understanding. For me, a great fear was that she would be forgotten, and I know that won't happen here. It is so obvious how much you loved, and love, her. It sounds like your partner is grieving differently than you, which is okay, but can be really hard. Grief counseling was really good for us, as it gave us dedicated time to tak aobut her during the week. I put together a scarpbook of the pictures we had, ultrasound ohotos, phrases that stood out to me in the pregnancy, things like that. I also created a web page and wrote whenever the mood struck.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

The grief counseling has been so good for both of us... it is important for me to hear my partner talk about Coral- when we are out of the therapist's office, he is a bit less verbal about what he is actually feeling... I know that he his hurting the same as I am, but like it was said- the counseling gives him a dedicated time and safe place for him to tell what/how he feels for the past week. We also like the group sessions- there is only one other couple there, and their situation is slightly different, but again, any venue for me to hear my partner talk about her birth/death, the future, etc. is relieving for me- I talk and talk and talk and think and think and think all the time about her- today is a warm spring day, we were walking our dogs, and as has happened many times over the past weeks, I saw something beautiful, spring-like and I wanted only to show Coral and tell her it what it is-this is a butterfly, this is a robin, the clear, starry night, the spring peepers singing, the ocean's salty smelling breaze, when I think of her this way- I can almost feel her in my arms against my body, can almost see her eyes absorbing it all. This is a particularly difficult loss- not being able to share my love of nature with her. My parents came for a week- left this morning. It was so hard having them here- sad that they should have been visiting their new grandchild, sad for their own grief that I can't deal with, hard to deal with the usual family 'issues' that were disppointingly still around even in the face of my daughter's death- I wondered if my father really understands how I am feeling... this made me sad too. No one can feel the way I feel- there simply wasn't the connection. I was feeling SO protective of Coral's things- her box of things from the hospital- I couldn't bring myself to show my parents any of it- didn't want anyone else to touch them- such a strange thing... the therapist suggested that I put her things out for them to see without me there- and I did this last night... including a photo of my partner and I holding Coral at the funeral home (very personal, and intimate)- our beautiful family portrait... they went to her bedroom and looked at these things when I wasn't there, and I am left feeling happy they got to 'meet' Coral... They really love her- really acknowledge her life and her loss. I saw a friend in the outside world yesterday. I thanked him for his card of condolence, and he said 'no problem', and then we continued to talk about everything EXCEPT my daughter, what had happened, or anything... this left me feeling terrible- I feel that Coral was a new member of our community, and she died, so there are 2 pretty important things to acknowledge... her life, and her loss. But nothing was said. I was pregnant for months infront of everyone's eyes- they bore witness to the new life- our child was but a skin's width away from them... and now nothing is said. I feel very alone in my appreciation, celebration, and mourning of our daughter's life and death. I was thinking of typing up a card to hand out to friends- to let them know who she was, how _important_ she was/is/will be to my partner and my lives... My big pregant belly is gone, there is no sling with babe on my body, but she is VERY much with me...

My mother, a deeply spiritual woman, shared a vision she had. I was walking alone, on a wide yellow ribbon. The ribbon was Coral. I walked and walked, and the ribbon was wide, but tapered in the distance, and she watched me walk on, to the end of the ribbon, which at that point was a thin yellow ribbon, which I picked up and tied around my head and neck, into a bow, and then I walked on. This was hard to hear. I see that point in the future when Coral is a part of me that I carry with me forever- like the bow around my head and neck. And now I walk with the wide path of grief and sorrow and loss- its all I can be right now. I have a feeling of sadness when all of this will become 'alright' with me- I fear I will lose the connection I have with Coral now, the only connection there is, even if it is based on and surrounded by so many tears and pain of her not being in my arms.

Thank you all for your thoughts and wishes, you are in mine as well.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

coralsmom, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daugher Coral Rose, I can feel your great love for her thorugh your words. I know Coral Rose feels your love too









Thank you for sharing her and your feelings with us. I'll hold her in my thoughts today.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Coralsmom,
You and your family have been on my mind a lot lately. I read your posts and feel so deeply what you are feeling, in my own way, about my own loss. The things you are going through right now are so hard! The lack of acknowledgement of Addie was and still is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. One friend of ours actually came to the hospital and didn't mention one word about our baby, he just talked about what was going on in his life. I realize it may be hard for some people to know what to say but this was just so extreme. I would rather he say something totally wrong than nothing at all. A few people at work who have known me for years and saw my pregnancy develop and my daughter growing didn't say or ask a thing about her birth/death. Like you said, it is a very lonely feeling. I guess these people maybe don't want to upset me but don't realize that it is so upsetting for them to say nothing and act like everything is regular.

I also wanted to comment on this thought:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coralsmom*
I have a feeling of sadness when all of this will become 'alright' with me- I fear I will lose the connection I have with Coral now, the only connection there is, even if it is based on and surrounded by so many tears and pain of her not being in my arms.

Your connection to Coral is so beautiful as well I'm sure full of tears and pain. The way you talk to her and share your world with her moves me deeply to do the same with my own daughter Addie. I don't think you should fear losing this because it is obvious by your actions that you will keep Coral's memory alive in you and your connection to her strong even as you feel less pain and saddness.

I will continue to keep you and Coral in my heart. Take care,

Angela


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

coralsmom you have a great way with words, i can feel the love you have for Coral.

the lack of acknowledgment is sadly a very common one, people don't want to upset and they think if they mention Coral it will upset you. if you are comfortable just keep talking openly with those close to you about your daughter. i kept doing that and sort of forced my family to listen and try to understand, it did make some people uncomfortable but many more people were grateful *I* was the one to bring up what we are all thinking.

Coral will always be a part of you. even after time passes the grief will lessen but she will always be a part of you, you are her mama

take care

tara


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Dear coralsmom,
I read your posts last night and have cried for Coral Rose and you again as I reread this morning. What beautiful words you have in the light of this awful tragedy.
You sound like such an awesome, beautiful person and mother to Coral. This is so incredibly unfair, as it always is.

Your loss is so immense, I can only begin to imagine the feeling of loss and pain you must be feeling.
I'm thinking of you and am sending you strength. I hope you can find your way through the grief and, ultimately, peace despite your empty arms and belly. I hope you can continue to find solace in the natural world. I hope the outside world will come around and give you some of the support you deserve. I wish you will stay as beautiful a person despite Coral's death.

I cannot find the words, but please know that you, your partner, and Coral are in my heart.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

First.







I am so sorry.

I just saw this thread and as I was reading your posts, i just kept thinking how much i can identify with practically everything you have expressed. I am so glad that you found this board - i think it saved my life. You sound like a very wise mamma. Coral was lucky to have you in her short life. She sounds like such a beautiful and loved baby.
As you mentioned in your first post, I can commiserate but also offer hope. Grief is a long and hard process but time does heal, especially if you work through grief rather than hiding from it. For me the first few months were the worst and they have gotten steadily better. I am approaching the one year anniversary of my first daughter's death and also the due date of my second daughter. It has been a really hard year but I have grown so much. I hope that this coming year brings you healing and hope. Please take advantage of all the wonderful women on this board. I will be thinking of you, your husband and angel Coral.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

I go to the computer everyday to look at the thoughts and feelings of all of you talking about our babies and our lives. A small part of me is looking for an 'answer' to my 'problem'. I suppose this is a natural reaction to what has happened- I have to say that even though 3 weeks has gone by- when the phone rings, or there is a new message on my answering machine, I have a moment when I think 'maybe its about Coral Rose'- as if someone is going to call me and tell me she is alive! I think I have been in a state of mild shock and havn't really known it- I don't think I fully and completely have grasped what has happened.

Last night we finally got the photographs of Coral from the hospital- I didn't know what to expect- how many, what of, etc. There were 3 different pictures- its hurts so much even to write about it. At first I was totally engrossed in looking at every detail- the pictures only show her from the waist up- I wish they showed her whole body. She looks a little different than my memory- but they are both accurate- the photos were taken a few hours after I made my visual memories of her. I looked at her hands, her arms, her chest, her little round shoulders, her head- she actually has curly hair, not straight the way it is in her box. Her father and I both have curly hair, and it was nice to see this resemblance. I also saw resemblance in her facial features- her lips, the curve of her cheeks, her nose, everything is a perfect mix of Coral, myself, and her dad. I looked at them for a long time- and concluded that she was the most beautiful daughter- we really did create her- and I saw into her future the way she would probably look running up from the swingset towards our house. These photographs are my most valuable possession now!
After looking at her pictures- we started talking about her headstone- we had to order it and it was more expensive that I thought it would be- this became a heated discussion between us, and my partner had to leave the room. I can't really handle the heated discussions at this point, so I began crying- and then, over the course of the rest of the night, after another argument about our restaurant, I really lost it.

Looking at Coral's pictures made me realize that she actually died. I don't know if it is that I never thought about in those words, or if I was in denial and wasn't aware I was in denial- but it really hit me hard that my daughter had died! It didn't help that yesterday was the 3 week marker- and I can recall every detail about being at the hospital and her birth, minute my minute, hour by hour... The events of that day are so heavy- I don't think I have truely come to terms with what happened. Trying to 'deal' with it, to keep it together, to accept it- I did all of that after my midwife told us about the heartbeat. But I never allowed myself to _feel_ anything about what was happening to us- to my daughter, our lives changing forever. I can't really wrap my mind around the amount of pain that I know is there- but I do know that when I was just touching a tiny bit of that pain last night while crying- I was scared at the depth of sadness and loss that I saw- it looked like the endless pit. I had to put it out of my mind. It is just horrible.

What a depressing post. I'm tempted to delete it- except that I am interested in what you all have experienced in terms of how you deal with the awesome pain of this loss. How did you react when/if you saw the pictures of your baby? Did it cause an argument, a release of emotions? It really wore me down- I had to stay in bed this morning until noon- couldn't let go of Coral's blankets. Couldn't bare to be awake. Yuck....


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Coralsmom,
It is hard to know how any of us deals with this enormous loss. I know that the details of the days and weeks after Addie's birth are fuzzy to me and I'm sure it is because I was in shock. It is amazing what our minds do to protect us. I remember holding her and staring at her for hours and it just was sinking in but at the same time not sinking in. So unbelievable still. There are days when it hits me hard, the realization that she will never be alive; that she will never get to grow up. I was just telling my husband the other day that it is a weird idea that she will always be our baby even after our other child/ren have grown. I guess even after four months it is still slowly sinking in. Her loss did feel like an endless pit of saddness and emptyness until slowly other feelings emerged unnoticed: giving encouragement to other mom's of stillborn babes and sort of lifting myself up by reaching out to them, trying to do justice to the memory of my daughter by having a ceremony and creating memories of her, and also entertaining thoughts of future children all brought hope into my life.
As far as pictures of Addie, we took digital photos and so we had them immediately. They are hard to look at sometimes and other times I could stare at them all day just studying every part of her emblazing it into my memory. I remember when we had them printed I looked at them and felt like she looked more dead in them than in real life. In real life I held her when she was warm, felt her soft skin, and the pictures just don't do her beauty justice. Looking at them still causes me to cry and may always.
I am sorry that you and your husband fought last night. I remember not being able to handle arguing for a while after the birth. The emotions are so raw in the begining, right at the surface and I remember feeling like my husband was the only one who knew what I was going through exactly and if we were fighting than I was that much more alone.
I hope my words have helped. I hope tommorrow is a better day.
Angela


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

That is excatly how I felt... my partner is the only one who feels the same as I, about Coral, her life and death, our shared dreams and hopes for her life... when we fought I felt cold and alone... I know some couples end their relationships due to the stress of grieving, and I don't think that our's will end, he said at the beginning of our counseling that if a relationship has problems before the tragedy, the problems will come back that much harder to get thru- but if the relationship is strong at the start, it will only get stronger, or at least weather the test of additional stress. He is truely my partner- so the fighting part is particularly rough. I cannot say enough how helpful this is to be listened to and understood by you all. When I can't find the words or complete the managerie of thoughts in my mind about how I'm feeling, someone will reply with just what I need to read! (Thank you Angela)

I have been writing in a journal about Coral- the entire pregnancy, my feelings afterward, and the day of her birth. I have reached a point where everyday I avoid writing in it... although it is an important part... the moment I arrived at the hospital. I want to write about the whole day, so I won't forget details that I may wonder about years from now. I think the fact that I loved my entire pregnancy, and everything had gone so well the whole time... healthy body, healthy choices, well-thought out plans and decisions about the baby's future with us, positive prenatal visits with a CNM I love and trust, fun and friendly couples in the childbirth class, accepting and excited friends and family, the auspicious timing of her birth- all of it- up until the point in my labor when we found out that Coral had died, it was all part of the best thing that has ever happened to me, to us. When she told us that there was no heartbeat- I had to ask her if that meant that the baby had died- I just went off to the land of mental numbness... It seemed wierd even in that moment that I was so accepting of what was happening- totally removed from the actual horror of the situation. I was waiting patiently for the nurse, and then the midwife, and then the sonogram doctor, to find the heartbeat that I was confident was there- just hiding, maybe she had turned, was hiding down near my backbone, on her side... so that when they finished, I could get out of the straps, put my Hypnobirthing music on, turn on the birthing tub, and sit with my partner while the labor continued. That turning point, that is the moment my conscious life changed for the rest of my life. Looking back, trying to understand when it was that Coral actually died- did my labor starting cause her death? was it the extra-long walk I took the night before? did I sleep on my back unknowingly during that night? this is the actual point that marks her death- but not knowing about it until well into my labor, the joy-filled _innocence_ that we had, contrasted against the awful tragedy that came within the time it took say the sentence that she had died- that moment is what I can't seem to write about. It's all 'downhill' from that moment. And those are the feelings that are just starting to surface out of the shock I've been in since it happened. I have intentions every day of writing about it, and then I avoid it all day! I hope today is the day...

I visited my midwife last night, I had some questions about Coral's pictures, and questions about what information we were waiting on- I guess its all the chromosone testing, and questions about tests that could be done on me for any answers... (the TORCH tests?) I thought this meeting would take a few minutes, but I stayed an hour! She is very understanding, and is grieving, too. It was very hard for her to find out about Coral dying. I find a lot of comfort being with her. I wonder if anyone who is reading who has had a stillbirth baby and then decided to have another baby, if you stayed with your same doctor/obgyn/midwife/doula. Or did you move on to a more 'experienced' practitioner... I wonder whether we should see an actual obgyn in addition to our midwife- am I considered a 'high-risk' pregnancy person now? We have complete faith in the abilities of our midwife... I just wonder if we've entered into a different 'needs' category. I think my partner and I will start TTC in June thru mid-July, then we have to wait until mid-November, due to the timing of when the restaurant is open and when its best to birth the baby. I have read an equal amount of postings about women going on to have living babies after thier stillbirth babies, as well as women who cannot carry their babies to term after their experience. I just don't know how to feel about becoming pregnant again... I mean, I definately want to- I worry about worrying through the entire ten months about the outcome... A lot depends on the test results referencing any genetic problems that Coral may or may not have had. If there are problems, I really don't look forward to the issue/question about amniosentisis- the risks, the value of the knowledge, etc. My partner feels that by the time the doctor can do an amnio it is way past the point where he would feel comfortable 'terminating' the pregnancy- his thought is you get what you get, and then you don't have to risk a m/c. I feel the same, I suppose- I hate to even think we may have to worry about genetic problems. Only time will tell this...

We have the infant loss group session tonight. Seems depressing to actually look forward to this- but I do. Before Coral was born, I was not especially comfortable with hugs... especially from strangers. Now I like them- they seem symbolic of recognizing Coral... and I love that. So I will use the little icons now for the first time- to give anyone a hug in memory of their babies...


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i had my husband write the stories of our births and then i read through them and added what i felt was missing. it helped him deal with the deaths and took that off my shoulder. also i was numb through a lot of it and reading what he wrote reminded me of things that were a very foggy memory

i stayed with my midwife (and plan to again). she went above the call of duty both times and i know i wouldn't get that same support from a high risk dr. i should be high risk for many reasons but i don't want that classification and luckily my midwife agrees. that said i have access to the best high risk dr. if i or my midwife feels we need another opinion.

the hugs from others who understand is a very different kind of hug.

take care

tara


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Coralsmom,

Thank you so much for sharing your heart here with us. Your posts are so beautiful and describe so poignantly those first days of grief that it takes me right back to the days after my son Kevin's stillbirth.

You have talked about not wanting to lose your connection with Coral. I remember feeling the same way, being scared that as time went on, I would lose the connection with my baby. I just want you to know that you won't lose it. It has been almost 2 1/2 years for me, and Kevin is still here with me. I don't think about him every minute like I did at first, but whenever I need him, I only have to think his name, and I feel him near. Just this week I was having a hard day, really missing him. I sat in the backyard and started talking to him, and some windchimes started moving, I knew he was there and that was his sign to me to let me know.

I just want you to know that even though it won't be as intense as time passes, you will always be connected to your beautiful daughter. She will always be part of you, after all, you are her mother!

Much love,
Katherine


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Coralsmom,
I don't feel entirely comfortable in this thread since I never lost a baby as it was ready to enter our world, but I feel the need to tell you that you should continue to trust your body and mind in dealing with the reality of Coral's passing. Judging from your words, I think you will write the story of her birth whenever your mind is ready to deal with the loss on that level.
It is amazing how our mind and body function whenever we let them work without interfering. I also like taradt's idea of a partner's side of the story. It can be so helpful to look at things from the outside. But still, all of this might only be helpful when the time is right.

On the topic on whether or not to use the same mw and care, there was a thread a while ago that dealt with this issue as well as the wanting to go the high risk' route. I will try and search for it later.

Sending you good thoughts,
Beate


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Coral's mom, I wanted to address some of your concerns and thoughts about a future pregnancy. I am just now 6 weeks pregnant with my first after loss baby. When I first discovered I was pregnant again I was a nervous wreck. But I have found that each day that passes helps me become a little bit calmer. I did decide to stay with my midwife. She has been with me through the pregnancy and birth of my son, and the pregnancy and loss of my daughter. I feel comfortable with her in ways that I don't think I would with a different midwife or Dr. I am not considered any more high risk because Arawyn's cause of death was a rare type of infection. My midwife described the chances of it happening again "like getting hit by lightening twice." It does occasionally happen, but it is very rare. There is nothing in particular that a Perinatologist could do for me. When you decide to TTC again, you will have to decide if you are comfortable using the same midwife again. Having experienced a stillbirth doesn't necessarily mean that you are high risk, but some mother's need the extra care.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

One of the best memories of Coral's birth was the caring, compassion, and tenderness of our midwife. Apart from all of the emotions related to Coral's stillbirth, she really came thru for me... she allowed me to direct what I was doing and how I did it, and I trusted her to tell me if I was doing something 'wrong'- never having given birth before, her presence was so comforting. At one point she put her hand on my leg, and I remember it being so warm and soft, it remains etched in my memory of the birth- it conveyed such a sense of every emotion that we were all feeling in that room... if we are lucky enough to have another pregnancy, we definately want to stay with her as our midwife, and hopefully there will be no need for additional doctors or specialists. I really miss seeing her on a regular basis.
I told her a few days after Coral's birth about my feelings of being on the 'baby train'... we got on the train, and it had a long way to go to get to our destination, which was having a baby... along the way, other people got on the train- our midwife, the women at the health center, then other pregnant couples, our nurse from the childbirth class, and then we all sat and waited on the train until it was time for our individual stops. Our friends had there baby a week before Coral was born- they got off the train, and then I stood up to get ready for _my_ final stop- got my bags ready, and waited for the train to stop, but right before our destination, the train stopped unexpectedly and we had to get off. I felt like we had been abandoned on the side of the 'baby train' tracks- definately not where we thought we were going, and a pretty desolate place to be. I missed being on the baby train with my midwife. It was such a great 10 month experience with her, and we went a long way together.

There weren't any other coupes at the group session last night, so it was just 1 1/2 hours of talking about Coral to the two moderators. They both work in the hospital's NICU, and are very good at listening to us. It was alot though, talking about grieving and raw feelings can leave me feeling numb and drained. My partner woke up this morning and had had nightmares all last night about Coral- he didn't go into any details, but today our grief counselor was telling us that this is about the right time in this process that the shock wears off and the hard, raw feelings show themselves. It seems right, my partner said he definately has felt a greater sense of sadness this past week. While he is appreciating the distraction that going back to work had brought him, he also has to deal with being confronted with people so much more than I have to... if I see someone who I am not ready to see, I can leave the store, or turn the car down a different street... he can't leave work, so he is put in the awkward place more often, and I think its starting to be painful for him.

The difficult thing to live with in regards to grief is that it seems to be so random- two days of depression, then an hour of amnesiac happiness, followed by a half-day of guilt for that previous hour, then a sleepless night of despair and sorrow. Knowing that it doesn't go away after a month is a bitter pill to swallow. Accepting the reality of my new life is the hardest- I don't feel prepared for an entire year or years more of this... even if it morphs into a smaller package to carry.

This afternoon I went to my favorite mountain with two of my dogs. When we got to the top, we had the whole mountain to ourselves. I started talking to Coral- this feels so good to me, to talk to her outloud, to tell her things that are so important for her to know. I had wanted to bring her hiking there all the time- the place has very special memories for me, and it is the place I visualized all throughout my pregnancy while I practiced my hypnobirthing breathing. This afternoon I could see her running on the rocks, her wild, curly hair bouncing around, playing, smiling, laughing. I told her I wanted her to come here often and play- the mountain has been a place of healing for me in the past, and it will protect her now- I wanted her to know this. I was looking forward to this trip since her birth, and I feel sense of peace that she knows its there now... I hope!!

Thanks for the knowledge that after months, and even years, the connection doesn't fade with our missed babes. It seems so silly to worry about that, like I would actually forget Coral, that could never happen! Reading the words that it doesn't happen definately dispells those fears, irrational as they are.

And I went to the TTC forum- holy cow- what a world of numbers and counting and planning... with Coral, I got pregnant unexpectedly while devotedly taking my birth control pill... it will be wierd to actually _try_ to make a baby- a whole new way of thinking about my body! Ovulation, ovulation. ovulation...


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

today is the one month marker for coral's birthday. its early morning, and i am hoping the day wont be so bad... i still havn't finished writing about her birth, i'm halfway thru, but it is so hard to write about now. i'm going to try today, it seems an appropriate day to finish it.

i've had so many thoughts this week about coral. i looked at her pictures again and found that i can see right past all of the things that made me react so sad at first, now i see her simply as my daughter- it is intense to look at them even so. they have given me a very clear mental image of what she looks like, and when i talk to her now, i can imagine what see looks like listening to me.

no test results from the midwife as of yet, and i did some talking with my therapist about how i feel about the possibility of genetic problems with coral, and left feeling much more at ease on this topic. i think i will ask to be tested for the blood clotting disorders, even if it is 'grasping at straws', i will have the peace of mind as to whether this is an issue with me or not.

i have been having so many dreams about what has happened... and if not what happened, then about other women with babies, carrying babies, holding babies, talking to their babies... i saw a woman in town the other day and she had her 3 month old on her back, and she was with a client (she's a midwife) who looked to be 6 months pregnant. the client seemed to be trying to hide from us in the store- and the midwife kept turning her body so i wouldn't see her baby. this was strange, so i walked around her to smile at her child- i havn't had a bad reaction to seeing families, babies, etc. so far, and i'm hoping not to. i guess it will be hard to see the other childbirth class babies, they have a direct connection for me to coral and they are all born within a few days of coral- always there will be a visual comparison for us when we see their children. i thought it may be nice to see my one friend's baby girl- born 4 days after coral, so i could sense how it would be with me and coral, but now seems too soon.

it seems like my emotions are so consistant and kind of dulled these past few days. i havn't been crying so hard and so often. i don't know if i am in a protective mode of denial or what. i think because everything reminds me of coral and what we would be doing ('today's a sunny day and i bet i would have put coral in the stroller and taken her for a walk'), what i had planned ('oh, the tulips i planted in october are coming up- i remember thinking when i planted them that i could show them to the baby in the spring') and even how i see my life ('well, i guess i won't have to switch everything in the car to fit in the baby's car seat' or 'i just had a baby a month ago and i am already out hiking and i look like i did before i was pregnant- this is probably because i havn't been _taking care_ of the baby i just had a month ago'). i think because everything reminds me of coral and what has happened, i may be blocking some of the stuff out because its just too much.

we meet with the cemetary person today to see where coral's grave will be.
not a fun thing to do on her one month birthday marker. one good thing about today- it is also one of my dog's 7th birthday, so i will take her on a special walk by herself, and then buy her some bread- her favorite food! it's also a very warm and sunfilled day today- i can do a lot of outside work at the house, and that has felt good to do- takes my thoughts elsewhere. i may stop by our restaurant and immerse myself in the impending reality of _that_- we have to open in a month, there's always a lot of work involved in that, more distracting thoughts.

i just want to say that i love my daughter, i miss her immensely, and today i send a one month birthday kiss to her, where ever she may be...


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

this afternoon i got the call from our midwife saying that the tests had come back from the lab. i thought she would have me come in for an appointment, but she just blurted it out over the phone... wasn't quite prepared for that, but...the tests came back showing that coral had no genetic abnormalities.
i was so relieved to hear the news, and my midwife shared that she was expecting there to be an answer in the genetics, and was surprised that there wasn't, but relieved as well. it obviously makes planning for another child less complicated, but i was surprised at how relieved i felt because coral wasn't affected by a disorder- if there was any pain to be suffered for those reasons, she didn't have to suffer it. this morning i looked at her photos for a long time, and decided that she looked like a 'normal' baby to me, whether or not the tests came back saying otherwise. i still can't believe it though, i must have really prepared my mind for different news. now we have to settle into this information, and it basically means accepting that we most likely won't know why coral died, and accepting that we decided against an autopsy. i think i am still fine with that decision... i feel good about not wanting it done.
we met with the cemetary man, and went to the spot where coral will be buried. the cemetary sits in a beautiful wooded plain, with two large mountains in the distance, surrounded on all sides by trees. it is a wonderful place, very calm and serene. coral's and our spot is right on the edge of the cemetary, so there will be trees and a small stream right next to her gravestone. i am very happy with this. i guess today is a good day for 4 reasons... 1) coral was healthy and didn't suffer from a disorder 2) her grave site is a beautiful place 3) it's coral's one month birthday and 4) it's luna's 7 year birthday, and she's such a good doggie!.. i'm sending out all of this happy energy to coral on this day.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)




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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Coralsmom, I'm so happy to hear from you, I've been thinking about you and Coral over the weekend.

I truly admire you for trying to see the positives in everything. And I'm happy you have a nice place to put Coral to rest. It must feel good to know her body in a peaceful and beautiful place.

My sweet dog Shiva died after 14 1/2 years just recently, and it felt so wrong to not have a place to bury her, no place to go and cry whenever I need to talk to her.








,
Beate


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Coralsmom,
I am glad that you have some answers about the genetic stuff. Coral's burial place sounds just beautiful and I so am glad that you have some peace from the events of yesterday. Keeping you in my thoughts,
Angela


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

one of the things that has been hard in regards to our daughter's death is the way in which my partner and i have felt about our family and friends, seeing them, talking to them- right from when we left the hospital we didn't want a lot of contact. this seems to be what made us comfortable when dealing with our feelings, and planning and arranging her funeral, etc. it was sometimes awkward to keep pushing our parents away. i think most people have understood our need to do things how we best saw fit.
her funeral is coming up- and again, i wish it could be just the two of us with coral, our small family going thru the ceremony and emotions together. but this is not going to happen, as we decided it would be somehow unfair or cruel to keep coral's grandparents away on that day. and now there are other family members- extended, extended family who have been calling to make plans to come. i know that we can simply say that it is going to be a small gathering- just our parents and us... but i feel like this is really going against the cultural need and expectation to attend a funeral. one of my sister's in particular wants to come, and she was a big part of my pregnancy- called often to check on all of us, planned the baby shower, and after coral died, she has called and left a message every day on the machine, expressing her concern and love, and mentions coral's name each time, as well as emails, and a few actual phone conversations- she is one of the few people i have actually spoken to. she has referred to herself as coral's aunt, which blew me away- it was so wonderful to here coral accepted and acknowledged in this context! it wouldn't be so bad to have her there at the funeral.
but to have one, and then not others, come, this is such a big ugly can of worms. if i just say 'whatever, whoever wants to come and grieve, so be it...' i have this fear that they will attend her gravesite, and then there will be a typical family gathering afterward, out come the chips and salsa and wine, and all of the sudden people are talking about how the red sox are doing... i can't even speak to how _much_ this image bothers me! any thoughts or suggestions on this one? we don't even have a plan for what significant things we want to do for coral's funeral. to make matters worse, our parents have never met each other, and i hate that they will be meeting at coral's funeral. and i worry about whether i will be able to 'hang out' with them before or after- i feel like a spectacle in my own grief, and i hate the idea of that. the moderators pointed out that our parents love us like we love coral- they will be grieving two things, the loss of their grandchild, but probably foremost the sadness that thier own children had to go thru this- they will be sad for us, and probably won't talk about the red sox. alot has to do with my being able to accept what i cannot control- losing coral was the pinnacle of things being out of my control- and these days i have functioned best on things that i can control. the funeral has the potential to be out of control- not really a feeling i want to feel, especially on a day that is so important to my partner and i, and most importantly, our daughter.

another thought. i had the dreaded question asked while at the vet's office yesterday. the widened eyes, the growing smile, the glance at my belly... then 'did you have the baby?!!'. i thought i had prepared a little about how i would respond to this. the office got quiet and they all looked up from their work to hear my answer, all smiling. i said 'i did have the baby...but she died'
and of course the room fell flat, a few people quickly put their heads down and quietly walked out of the room. the woman who asked is a nice person, she takes care of our dogs when we go away. she looked so taken aback, then embarassed- she covered her mouth with her hand as if she had said something wrong, then tears came to her eyes, and she said she was sorry- i think sorry for asking & sorry about what happened. after i bought the dog food, she came out and gave me a hug, i told her a little synopsis of what actually happened, and i left. it didn't go very well. i felt like i had said something completely inappropriate, morbid even. how do you phrase what happened to you? is there a way to inform people in a group situation without ending up feeling like you've ruined the party? i mean- whatever, its the truth- and my life has been forever changed, and we are sad and grieving, and maybe i shouldn't worry about ruining the party, but i wish i knew of a milder way to answer the dreaded question.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's mom-

I know it is hard to deal with the funeral situation and reactions.. your emotions are still right on the surface at this point.. and you just have to deal with things accordingly. People will understand, or not.. you just need to be selfish right now and do what is best for you... I know that it is hard to fathom right now, but the fog will dissipate, little by little and things will get clearer. But for now, just do what feels right for you.. no one knows but you..

Peace to you mamma

Sarah


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Coralsmom,
I know that the thought of the funeral is so overwhelming and know exactly what you mean about feeling unable to control things, which is so hard. The process of grief and the feelings and emotions just come whether or not we are ready to handle them and yet somehow we do. I would say just remember the reason you are doing this and focus on that aspect. You want to honor your beautiful Coral and devote this cremony and process to her memory. I think that you and your partner will set the tone for the occasion and hopefully people will take cue and not discuss insignificant matters on such a day. And if so, I hope you are able to take from it what you need, lean on each other, and find peace from the funeral.
As far as breaking the news, that is a tough one for me still. A few people at work asked me when I came back how the baby was. I found that if I said "Oh, you haven't heard our sad news.....our baby died or our baby was stillborn" it seemed to ease the news out a little better. It is just so hard to say no matter what and you're right, it does almost sound morbid and will always deflate the mood. I think it's so hard to say in the beginning too because it has the potential to pull you out of coping mode, if you know what I mean. Like you could be keeping it together ok and then someone throws that question at you and you feel like when you say it you could just fall apart and it might not be the best place to fall apart. I guess that is just all part of this though, we just get through it the best we can.
Take care,
Angela


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

coralsmom--

We kept attendance at Kevin's funeral relatively small. Mark and I are both the oldest of six children, so even limiting it to our parents and siblings, we had a group. But later, I wished I had invited all our extended family and friends. I guess after a few months, when everyone had moved on, I wished they had seen his little white casket, that somehow it would have been more real to them. Several times when friends saw pictures of Kevin, they would say, "Wow, he was a real baby." Like they just hadn't been able to really understand that before. Most important is to do what you need to right now, and hopefully those around you will be able to support you in what you decide.

Yes, the lunch after the funeral was horrible for me. The burial was so much more intense than I could have guessed. I felt like my heart had been cut out of my body and was being buried. Everyone else left to go to the lunch, and I just sat there in the grass with my hand on Kevin's grave. I probably sat there for a half-hour, then Mark finally, gently picked me up and helped me to the car. I remember feeling like the screams inside me were reverberating around the earth. And then we arrived at Mark's aunt's house and everyone was visiting like it was a holiday gathering. It was very, very painful to be there in the middle of that. I think that in retrospect, I should have had someone kind-of assigned to me, taking me into a bedroom so I could be alone, bringing me food and maybe staying with me for support. That would have been better for me than being in the midst of a party after my baby had just been buried. I am amazed that you have the foresight to anticipate that. I had no idea, I had brought Kevin's pictures with me and thought I would be able to tell about his birth and our stay in the hospital, but nobody would talk about it with me. It was really tough. Okay, now that I have just confirmed your worst fears...Sorry! I guess I just want you to know that you're right to consider this, and that it's possible to prepare so that you are protected. I did really appreciate having everyone at the grave site, though. It was so hard to bury him that having the support of our families was quite important. I just realized that I'm probably writing so much because I never get to talk about this. When does this ever come up? It's not like we get to tell our babies' stories every time people start talking about their babies' births. We're the odd-ones-out now.

As far as what to say to people, I agree with Angela that prefacing the news with a phrase that lets them know they need to brace themselves is the best way to go. I've also tried to always thank people for asking. They feel so horrible after they hear the news, that it seems to help if they know I appreciate their remembering that I was pregnant.

Thank you for describing Coral's one-month. It sounds like a beautiful day.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Coarlsmom,

The funeral is rough, there is just no way around it. We opted for a larger gathering--friends, family, church, coworkers and had a full service. She was buried in another state, so that was a few days later. We did have lunch after the funeral, but it was fairly subdued, and as Katherine suggested to do, I think there must have been various people "assigned" to help me, since I had someone constantly with me the whole time, leading me around, feeding me (for weeks I forgot to eat unless physically handed a plate of food), taking care of the social obligations (Dh is military and like it or not when the bosses do their duty and come their are certain hostess type obligations--my friend, as a military wife, did everything that needed to be done and then some...I am forever grateful). Being out of state, dd's burial was family only, although there were extended family members there, many of DH's whom I had never met. For us, it was a healing time to have all of the support and there were people who had apparently put aside years of animosity to be there to support us. We went back to an Aunt's house nearby for sandwiches or something, and then dh and I took a blanket and went back to the gravesite and just spent the afternoon together. We chose not to be there when she was lowered in, but I wanted to come back afterward when it was just us. That is one of our most treasured memories. I wanted to suggest it, as it kept us from being in the house with everyone for more than a few minutes, and it gave us time alone with everyone else occupied.

Something else that I wanted to mention from an earlier post of yours.

Quote:

Accepting the reality of my new life is the hardest- I don't feel prepared for an entire year or years more of this... even if it morphs into a smaller package to carry.
I can identify with this--for me it was helpful to not look past much more than the moment. If I I was overwhelmed by thinking about more than a week away, I went to a few days, if that was too much, a day, then an hour, then 5 minutes, then 1 minute. I simply did nt think past the time amount I could handle. By playing these mind games, it help me to feel not so overwhelmed. It also allowed me to fully grieve that moment, and not worry about future moments.

One final thought that I will leave with you--I think as mothers of stillborn babies we all have the fear that our babies be forgotten. At dd's funeral, a woman who was 84+ years old came up to me afterwards with tears in her eyes, hugged me and said "We lost our second child, too". To have her child remembered after all those years gave me an incredible sense of peace, and I was able to let that fear go.

I wish you peace in this unwanted journey.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Coral's mom-
I tried to email you, but my computer is acting funky. I just wanted to let you know that my heart is aching for you. Trying to plan a funeral for anyone is so hard, but this must be excrusiating. With the funeral of an adult, you can stand around and talk about all the good times that you shared. this is so much harder. How do you say good bye to someone who grew inside you for 9 months? How is it possible that someone you've only known for sucha short time can become part of your heart and soul, and encompass all of your dreams? I can only wish that this funeral will bring you some peace and closure. Take in the love of your family and their love for your beautiful duaghter, Coral. Know how she is loved and cherished by everyone that has been touched by your story. Take the time you need to be together Coral and her daddy. Know that your family will understand. I am praying for your healing and your future happiness. I know that Coral will be loving you forever.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

well, since thursday morning and now, i have really come a long way in my thinking about coral's funeral. thank you, sarah, katherine, angela, queencarr, and race_kelly!! all of your input caused me to reflect upon what i needed to do about this... that and a series of experiences yesterday...

i went to my friend's website the has all of his daughter's pictures- she was born 2 weeks before coral, and they were in our childbirth class. their daughter is 6 weeks old now, and such a gorgeous little girl. i looked and looked at her pictures, not sure what my emotional response would be...i knew it was slightly risky behavior to be looking at thier daughter- pictures of her with her grandparents, hanging out in the boppy, dressed in little 'outfits', bathing, etc. i didn't have too much of a response, other than that she looked cute, and they all looked happy. later on in the morning, i spent some time looking at coral's pictures. when i look at them now- she doesn't even look like she died anymore to me, she just looks like my daughter! after that, i was on a walk, and i began to have a terrible thought. i was thinking about my friend's daughter's pictures, then i thought about coral's pictures. suddenly i had such a rush of anger! then, i immediately felt totally sick to my stomache... i thought for a moment that i was getting angry at coral for being dead! this was so disgusting to me that i may have had this feeling toward my daughter... so i stopped walking and had to think it thru... i wasn't mad at coral for dying- i was, for the first time, mad at death. in the beginning, it was a somewhat comforting idea that coral was just not meant to live in the world outside my belly...but recently, especially after getting her genetic tests back, i have not been so accepting of that idea... she _should_ have lived 'on this side'- there seems to be no reason now why she shouldn't be hanging out on _her_ boppy, checking me out, stretching her legs... i became so angry and frustrated about why she had to die!
so, while all of these things were settling into my brain, i got an email regarding a relative's desire to come to coral's funeral- they recently lost their 22 year old son in a tragic accident, and shortly after coral's death, she sent me a very moving letter along with a necklace that had a butterfly charm for me to wear. i felt so warmed by her compassion and understanding of our loss. i was touched that they would want to come all the way up here for coral and us. i then felt badly about keeping them away. they truely wanted to give their respect to coral's life, and our loss. i talked to my partner about it, and i was really feeling that by keeping people away, our siblings & our friends, we were closing the door to the last chance for them to see coral, to see that she actually existed- her funeral is the visual affirmation that she died, and therefore she lived, and that she made an enormous, permanent impact on my and my partner's lives. i became so worried that if no one sees this ceremony, we may be contributing in a way to the loss of her memory, to assist in them missing the last chance for the acknowledgment of her life and what she means to us. we decided that it may not be a bad thing for our family and friends to be there.
so this afternoon i emailed my siblings to let them know when her burial would be and they were welcome to attend, including in the email my worries of her funeral turning into just another 'typical family gathering', and reminding them that this day would be one of the worst days in mine and my partner's lives. i feel good about this decision.

thank you so much for sharing your experiences with your children's funerals and for the supportive, enlightened words- i was _really_ helped by them when i needed it the most, and i am feeling uplifted about the possibility that our friends and family will come to know of the importance of coral, her loss, and the impact she has made.

(i have been finding myself feeling a little embarassed when i tell people that i am receiving so much comfort, help, wisdom, and understanding from a chatroom online!!! it really is so much more than that though, i think this forum has been a key part in my gradual healing, and i'm pretty sure mostly everyone who posts here feels the same way.)


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's Mom-

I am glad you have found comfort in oyur decision.. Don't worry.. Coral will be remembered by many and thought of often..
Peace to you mamma..


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## 2devils_1angel (Oct 14, 2003)

(hugs) for you mama,.
We lost ds2 at 35 weeks (just 9 days after 9/11)
It still hurts everyday but you work through it. ( I refuse to say "get over it")
We are all here for you


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

yesterday i was telling my partner how i felt like i've just been shaken up so hard on the inside- i don't know if that feeling of disorientation and amuck-ness (not a word, but a good term for how i feel inside) will ever change. its like my emotional state is a broken egg. the countdown to my returning to my stressed out job is really started, and i'm finding that while i sometimes want to cry, and of course i'm thinking about coral all the time, what i'm really struggling with is this state of numb, stunned, blankness... and its not like i can tell every person i talk to what's going on in my head... i just don't think i'm ever going to be like i was before this all happened. this change is hard for me to accept. i pretty much like the person i was before coral died, and was really liking who i was becoming thru the pregnancy and the new feelings of motherhood. i know i can try to have another baby, and it may be a fulfilling experience this time, if nothing goes awry, but even still, i have a feeling that the discombobulated state of my outlook on everything will always be there. i guess its like the phrase. 'walking wounded'. the books on grief talk about finding a 'new normal'. i worry that my new normal will be a sad, sad woman.
its crazy how i am wishing away the days- while i have this new feeling of not wanting to take anything for granted, at the same time i often just want it to be two years from now already. the changes are so minutely gradual from day to to, i know they are happening and hopefully i am healing and slowly getting to a better place, but some days its hard to see any difference at all. i wake up, and my first thought is 'oh, yeah... i'm not pregnant anymore, and coral died.' and that pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the day.
i have been thinking about going back to the hospital room where i gave birth to coral. they are building a new ob ward, so that room will no longer exist soon. i can still smell the way the room smelled when i put coral's hat to my face. i don't know what i'm looking for from this experience, but somehow i still want to go there.
i wish i had something more positive to write about. i think alot of my depressed feelings are coming from the suspicion or fear that people are ready to really be done with this... to move on, to 'sum it up'. and i know that's just not happening for me- i have such a long way to go, and like you said, we never get 'done' with it, and it never gets summed up in a clean happy ending. they are moving on, and i'm about ready to let out the _primal scream of mourning_, and to start breaking things in anger. when i'm asked 'so, how are you doing?...' with the implied tone of 'it must be a little better for you, i hope...' i say 'you know, i'm doing alright.'... what i would truthfully say is 'well, i'm on the verge of not being able to cope with this, every morning when i wake up, my baby daughter has died all over again, sometimes the minutes seem like days, and the sunny spring weather, the flowers blooming, and the people smiling- all are like a stinging slap in my face'. well, that would be a conversation stopper. i don't know if it is better to tell the truth like this. would it be theraputic? would it help me move thru this stage of grief? it sounds so sarcastic, but it really is the truth, which is so scary. what if we mourned like this? there is an expected sense of decorum in how you should act, what is appropriate. but what if i _did_ just fall down in a crumpled pile on the sidewalk and cried a stream of hot tears, right in the middle of the day... 'what's wrong with her??- oh, well she's the woman who just lost her baby... oh, well, that seems right, then'... it somehow seems healthier than what i _have_ to do, which is plaster an exceptable, contented expression on my face and walk thru the crowd, as if nothing happened to us...
well, i want to write _something_ positive...
something positive is my love for my daughter-
coral had the sweetest, round little shoulders.
coral knew the sound of my heart beating, and the sound of my laughter.
coral was long! 22 inches... a little stringbean.
coral would have been a tomboy- i can see it in her face!
she would have surpassed me and her father in our abilities, our knowledge, our talents, and our gifts.
my world has been enhanced and improved a millionfold through her creation and existance.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Coral's mom-
I started laughing-crying when I read some of your words, because they rang so true. I am having a rough day today and it is beautiful out. My husband keeps saying look what a wonderful day it is. Maybe you'd feel better if you got out. I am so pissed off that it is such beautiful day! I want it to rain and storm and thunder, like it is doing inside of me. But I am relieved that I am not crazy or alone in my feelings!
I also know that I will never be the same again, and that "normal" will be very different. I can only say I hope that me will still be me, but more appreciative of what I have and of the happy times (I know they have to come again)! I am also afraid to really tell peolple, other than the wonderful women here, how I am really doing. Sometimes I actually feel embarrassed that I still have such bad days. Like I am letting my family and friends down by not being the same funny happy woman I used to be.
' Then I read your beautiful words about Coral, and I cried again. Happy tears that you have let us know your beautiful long rounded shoulder tom boy. I will always remember you and your little girl. You are both in my heart and I am a better person for knowing you both.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

Wow. I am so at this point in my grief. Almost five months past my loss and I feel so negative and sad. I don't know if it's the fact that spring is here and I feel like my spirits should be lifting and they're not or if I too feel like everyone around me acts like I should be moved on by now. I have started to get the question "are you trying again?" and it just feels some days like they're saying "aren't you over this yet?" I know that isn't the case but I just feel extra sensitive lately. I feel so defensive about still being in grief like I have to apologize or something. I think I am hardest on myself and just need to give myself permission to still be sad and be ok with it. I am glad I am not alone in feeling like this.
Hang in there ladies, you are in my thoughts today.
Angela


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Angela,
You are certainly not alone. I spent the day at the playground with my sister and her beautiful 3 year old girl and sweet 6 week old boy, and my husband and 4 year old and 15 month old boy. It was nice, but I kept feeling like I should be talking more, laughing more, being 'me' more. It is hard, because although I didn't get a chance to give birth to my beautiful baby girl, I feel like I am trying to give birth to the "new me" Only one problem, I think it is going to take a long time to find out who that is. Just like learning who your new baby is. Each day I find that I am looking at things very differently, but my friends and family have moved on, expecting that I will also, as the same woman I was a month ago. I am not that girl-woman. I am a changed woman. I know this will bring about good, but riight now spending the night worrying about my living children and reliving the day I found out my baby was gone and the D&C the day after is tearing me up. I do have good days, but I feel like I pay for them with horribly sad days in-between. I guess that I am having trouble accepting the new me, as much as friends and family are as well. I am not used to feeling so unsure and out of control. But I guess in a weird way, misery does love company, because the knowledge that others feel the same way is such a comfort. Just knowing I am not alone, but part of a very large sisterhood, gives me strength to carry on each day. My greatest hope is peace and acceptance for all miscarriages and rebirths of ourselves that we all experience, someday soon.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Quote:

'well, i'm on the verge of not being able to cope with this, every morning when i wake up, my baby daughter has died all over again, sometimes the minutes seem like days, and the sunny spring weather, the flowers blooming, and the people smiling- all are like a stinging slap in my face'.
I often wondered if saying something to this effect would make me feel better too. Perhaps it would - maybe you should try it. You don't have to be "over it" now or ever. It is ridiculous in our society how briefly grief seems to be allowed. As if mourning the loss of someone you love can be completed in a few short weeks and then you can be back to normal. Grief is a long and hard process. It can be all consuming at times and it forever changes us. You are still not far from your loss and have every right to feel the way you do (not that as you get farther, you won't have the right to feel however you do at the time). Also don't forget that you still have all kinds of post-partem hormones coursing through your veins which as far as i'm concerned do NOT make grieving any easier.

As to going back to work - is there any way that you can put it off longer if you want to? I think taking time for ourselves is very important and helps the grief process immensely.

Quote:

I have to say that even though 3 weeks has gone by- when the phone rings, or there is a new message on my answering machine, I have a moment when I think 'maybe its about Coral Rose'- as if someone is going to call me and tell me she is alive!
I know that this is a somewhat old post but i just had to comment. I felt exactly the same way for i don't know how long. You're the first person i've heard of having this same experience. Isn't it bizarre? I really had this tiny glimmer of hope every time the phone rang. I think i hoped that someone was going to say "You can wake up from this nightmare now" and i would and i would still be pregnant or my daughter would be alive and in the NICU or something. I don't remember when i stopped feeling like this.

My thoughts are with you mamma! Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and don't take any Sh*t from people who allude to your "getting over it." You will never be over it but it will get easier. Peace to you.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

My heart goes out to you mamas who are so new in your grief. Reading your words brings up so many memories and feelings for me. There is such an expectation that we be "over" our grief quickly. I remember that I was only starting to fully feel the grief several weeks after Kevin's stillbirth, and that's when all the phone calls had stopped, the cards and flowers had stopped arriving.

Coralsmom, you are right on schedule to be feeling worse now. I think we go into shock for awhile. If we had to absorb our baby's death all at once, I think we would go insane. As the enormity of my loss began to sink in, I was grateful that it was a gradual process. I truly believe I would have split into pieces if I had felt it all at once. You just can't absorb it, it's too much. Oh, waking up in the mornings. For a while I stayed up as late as I could at night, and I think it was to avoid having to wake up. It's like you go through it all over again each morning. I would only go to bed when I was so tired I was guaranteed to not have to think at all before I fell asleep. And the phone calls! I remember thinking that the cemetery would call and tell me they had dug him up, and miraculously, he was alive and ready for us to come get him!

As far as a "new normal", I can truly say that I like who I am now better than before. And, I was pretty happy with myself before. But it's like I feel my life more fully. I love my kids more deeply. I have experienced an aspect of motherhood that has taught me how precious babies are. I see in my friends who haven't lost babies that it's different. I remember myself before I started losing my babies (miscarriage at 9 weeks, and a tubal pregnancy, in addition to Kevin's stillbirth) and I didn't appreciate motherhood the way I do now. I feel joy more fully now. Somehow experiencing the depths of grief and despair like I have has made me able to experience joy with greater intensity, too. Hopefully hearing this will offer some hope to each of you. You are in the hardest part right now. Those first few months are beyond horrendous. And the next several months after that are pretty tough, too. But I remember that at the six-month mark, I was doing noticeably better. And though there were many tough times during that first year, by the time I got through the one-year mark, I was feeling a huge improvement. Yes, it takes a while, but there will come a time when you are happy again. I can truly say that I feel normal now, and I have for quite some time. I should probably put in a plug for emotional release work here, (I used Reiki and EFT), because I believe that's what pulled me through and helped me get to the point I'm at today. I just couldn't read your worries about the woman you'll become without responding with some encouragement.

Sending much love and support to each of you. And give yourself permission to grieve as you need to, for as long as it takes!

Love,
Katherine


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Katherine,
Thanks for your words, they mean so much to know that others have gone through this and are OK. I know what you mean about appreciating motherhood all the more thouhg. I find myself being much more patient with my boys than I had been, and delighting in seeing my friends and family become parents. I had a long talk with a pregnant friend last night, because I wanted to assure her that I was still here for her even though I had lost my baby, and that I was so excited for her. She was so sweet and understanding, and was very open about her pregnancy experience, which really helped.
In some ways it was hard, because it brings back how "real" my pregnancy was and how I had a little girl named Therese inside me just over a month ago. Sometimes when I am having a good day I feel it is because sometimes it seem like the whole experience was just a dream, then reality sinks in again. I actually sometimes feel better for the reality, and bad about not feeling sad all the time! Strange, huh?
Oh, I had my midwife appointment yesterday, and told her about this wonderful discusion group. She used to read Mothering when she had young children, and was so thrilled to hear about it. She said it was good, and she would pass the word on to other women who need it. I certainly hope there won't be any, but I know there will








I am thinking about all the little babies that have been lost and praying for their mothers and fathers that they will recover.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i think my partner and i are on separate grieving cycles... its not a bad thing, but it makes it more challenging to communicate about coral. he will ask me 'what's wrong?', and i always answer 'i'm sad about coral', and recently he'll say 'well, yes, but what _else_ is wrong?'. the thing is, it is as simple as just being sad about coral- missing her inside me, missing her in my life now, sad that she died, really sad about whether or not she felt pain in her death, and sad about the future without her. it really is a constant feeling of sadness. i have been noticing again the lack of enthusiam i have about things that before made me so happy. it really borders on depression, but i'm trying to keep my head above those waters... the grief therapist said to try to keep focused on the 'fresh' feelings- anger, sadness, etc. and not get 'stuck' in depression. i understand what she means by that, however after so many days, and weeks, of feeling down about what has happened, its so draining and just plain difficult to focus on 'fresh'. there are reprieves, though, a couple hours here and there when menial tasks completely fill up my thoughts, but always the return to sadness.
if you've ever felt this way after your loss, how did you change the depressive behavior, without going into total denial and the supression of necessary feelings?
coral's burial is this thursday. its strange to anticipate and actually _plan_ for something that is definately going to be so emotional and super sad. we were taken totally by surprise during my labor when we found out coral had died- no preparation. and getting phone calls made and putting her into her coffin during the following days, we were walking zombies, and it all was a blur. but we have known for weeks that this day of her burial is coming, and as it gets closer, i feel like i am standing in line to be made to jump off a cliff!!
i commented to the therapist that i remembered as a little girl, maybe fourth grade age, thinking about how i wished i could know the name of the person i would marry right then, so i would know that it was going to happen and i wouldn't have to worry about all the dumb little relationships inbetween... and later on in my life, while attending a funeral at a cemetary, thinking of how strange it is to not know the day you would die- the dates are carved into headstones, but most of the time a person will not know this day when they are alive. i thought if i knew the date of my death it would be easier to plan my life accordingly. some things we are just not meant to know- can't read into the future, don't have a crystal ball. well, it is a similiar feeling that i have when i think of coral's funeral. it is definately something i should _not_ be meant to see!! i should not be alive when i physically see my daughter's name carved into her headstone. this is information i shouldn't have- it is so wrong!
i saw for the first time one of the babies from the childbirth class. the woman and the baby were outside of the grocery store talking to another woman with her children. she was wearing a baby bjorn, and i only saw the back of her son's fuzzy head. i immediately was flooded with such a sense of loss, and practically ran to my car. i didn't want her to see me upset- i know she saw me, carrying my stupid plastic bag of groceries, and not coral rose. i was really stunned at how big her baby had become- born just four days after coral. i have been looking at pictures of coral as an infant, always an infant, always a newborn, always 22 inches and 7.8 lbs. it hurt so deep inside me to see that her baby had grown so much. whenever there is a sighting of one of the childbirth class babies (my partner's had a few), it is so so hard!! the loss comes roaring up to the surface in an instant! i want to see these women, and see their babies, but it is still way too soon. but- i don't know if forcing myself to see them and hold the babies might be a good thing- it would be hard, but it may enable me to get over the dread of catching a sighting of them for the next few months! the thing is- these 4 specific babies are always going to be a presence that reminds us of coral rose, and they will be a reminder for years to come. eventually i am going to have to come to terms with seeing them. i have no bad thoughts of them, quite the opposite really. they are coral's peers, were to be her play dates, her friends... they are very signifigant children to me.
i am working on something to read at her burial. we want a couple poems, and then something that we have written specially for coral. any suggestions?
i want to thank you all again for reading and responding to my thoughts about my daughter... it has meant so much in the past few weeks to have this support. and i hope you are all walking through your grieving and loss without too too much pain. my thoughts have been with you all.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

coralsmom-
I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. you must be absolutely drained of everything right now. Planning your childs funeral is a horrible thing to have to do, and no parent should have to go through it. I I wish there was some way I could reach out and take some of your burden from you. I hope that Coral's funeral, writing to her, and being with your family and sharing their grief and support will help to heal some of your pain, but the anticipation of this event must be overwhelming. All I can do is to tell you that you are not alone. Every women who has ever experienced a loss is thinking of you and Coral Rose and sending you strength to pull through this.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Coralsmom, I think it is natural that partners grieve differently--we have diferent losses, and in many ways I think as mothers we have _more_ losses. Dh and I grieved similarly, but mine was much longer for the intense part. I wonder if your partner asking you what's wrong is his attempt to find something to say. He may feel that it has "all been said", and not know that repetition is good for us in a lot of ways. It may be helpful to tell him as you find different specific things to grieve. When women are pregnant and have newborns, our beings are inseparable. It is a gradual process that we come back to being ourselves individually and it takes years. When babies die, that gradual process is interrupted, and a literal part of who we are at that point of our lives is missing. I don't think men have that same type of biological separation anxiety that we have. Nature has designed us to be with our babies, and when we are not our bodies still recognize that. There was a franticness for me that I recognized as the same as when I had been away from ds as a baby for too long, that I couldn't resolve when dd died. I am not sure if that makes sense to you, or if it is even helpful, but it was helpful for my dh to be told that my body was still reacting to her not being there in addition to my emotional grieving.

Funerals are hard hard hard, and I found that I handled it much better than dh. For me, the ritual aspect of it was comforting, there was predictability, and it was planned meticulously. For him, it was one of the darkest days of his grief. However, ours was much sooner after her death, so that may play into it as well, as I was still heavily medicated. I don't remember your religious affiliation, dh read Psalm 139 at her funeral, and it was a very moving moment. You might also check out some of the poems written at Hygeia Poems The links are to the left side. "Netzah", "Cameron", and "Divus", under Volume one of the "Original Poems of Loss" section strikes me. Also "to the child in my heart" under volume two.
As others wished for us, I know the women here wish we could take this burden from you. It is just not fair.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Hugs to you coralmom! I so wish I could help.
Thinking of you often,
Beate


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

(((coralsmom)))

Sending you peace as you get through your baby girl's burial....It is so hard.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

yesterday was coral's burial ceremony. it was supposed to rain, but it was a sunny day, with lots of wind. it was pretty distracting to have all of the various members of our families arriving throughout of the week, and a little awkward and wierd- no one was really happy to be here, i don't think anyone really knew how to feel or act. my mom is very sad- she's very sensitive and feels emotions thouroughly. i felt numb. i feel numb, and a little exhausted. almost everyone has left, except my mom, who is still staying in the area for the entire summer, as she was planning on doing before coral died- she was going to be our 'nanny' while we worked at the restaurant. when she arrived she gave me a necklace with a piece of coral carved into a small rose bloom. its funny what her name means to different people. i cry a lot when i talk to my mom- which is a good thing right now, because i am so distracted with all of the other events going on- summer work starting, hiring staff, gardening chores (the dandelions don't seem to know i'm grieving...), that sometimes all i feel is a jumbled mass of nothing but confused feelings. when i talk about coral to her, i can focus on just the feelings associated with coral, and just cry and cry. so i'm glad she's here, waiting in the wings to help me with my feelings.
her burial was short- we chose three poems, and i wrote a letter, and my mother wrote the most incredible poem and managed to keep it together enough to read herself. we had previously met with the reverend at the town's congregational church, and she volunteered to speak at the funeral. we don't have any religious affiliations, and she said she'd keep the references to a minimum- no rolling in the aisles, but maybe a couple small prayers. i didn't mind that really. at one point toward the closing, she bent down and touched coral's coffin and actually gave her a blessing. when we arrived, i was surprised to see some friends walking up from the gates to the grave site, but i had to sit down because i was feeling very weepy. i turned around once, and i was so overwhelmed and happy and relieved to see three of the couples from the childbirth class standing there... they must have had to get babysitters, and it meant _so so so_ much to me that they came! also, my partner saw a lot of people from where we used to work, and all three nurses who attended coral's birth, and our midwife. it was very special that our friends and members of our small community thought to come to her burial. the poems were very appropriate (thank you, queencarr and quirky!)and i was happy with how my letter turned out. and my mother's poem- wow... i just can't believe how beautiful it was to have a poem written especially for coral. i may share it later on... it takes some explanation, but it basically chronicled the 292 days of coral's life. so, i suppose that her burial was as good as it could be. it definately gave people a venue for their sadness, and it was very helpful for my sisters and brother to see her coffin. i made copies and then framed coral's footprints for each family member to keep, and wrote them all individual letters asking them to keep coral in their thoughts as they continued on in their lives. when everyone left the cemetary, we watched as a very gentle elderly man who worked at the cemetary covered her coffin with soil, and then replaced the grass, and carefully raked the area and arranged the flowers back on her grave. we sat with her for a long while. the birds were singing and there was a gentle breeze. we took a few roses to the ocean and threw them in like we did the day after coral died. the whole afternoon, i kept coming back to the moment of her birth, when i pushed one last time and could feel her come out of me... that moment in time is exactly the pinnacle of our joy and our sorrow. it has been seven and a half weeks since she died. i am still so numb.

on mother's day, we went to coral's rock on the ocean's edge. it was raining, it was high tide, and the waves were crashing up onto us. we treated ourselves to soy lattes, which was my favorite thing to have during coral's pregnancy. my partner whipped out a small white box and asked if we could be married! hahahahaha.. i was so surprised, and sad and happy. the ring looks like an engagement ring, but the stone is an aquamarine, coral's birthstone. so i guess we'll get married sometime in the future, when we are healed a bit more. i think that he felt mother's day was appropriate for his proposal because we have become a _family_ since our daughter's birth. i feel that way too, although it wasn't very imperative to me for us to be married. he has been married once before, and i feel like i'm too _old_ to get married!! (is 35 too old?







). its a strange juxtaposition of emotions. normally i would probably be happy and looking forward to having a wedding for the two of us- we had talked about taking a quick three day trip to paris to get married... but i am just too sad about my daughter and my life to feel anything but a little poof of elation about this engagement ring on my finger.
it really sucks to be feeling so sorry for myself these days. its a bad cycle, and i try to keep focused on feeling bad for coral- _she_ is the one who died, _she_ is the one who won't get a chance at life- but much of my thoughts these past few weeks are about how sad _i_ am not to be with her. is this selfish? does anyone else have these conflicted thoughts about their feeling of loss?

i hope you all are having some good things happening in your lives to remind you of the joy of living... and if not, i hope you are finding a source of comfort and hope in these dark times. i was so relieved and happy to read about the safe arrival of berkeleyp's daughter aria, and then yesterday i was so sorry and moved to read about starbaby69's loss of her daughter bella. this life is such a rough ride.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

coralsmom-
I am glad that the burial ceremony went OK. I have been keeping you in my thoughts. About thinking you are selfish for thinking about your own grief for yourself, absolutely, unequivocably no, you are not being selfish. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I truly believe that your Coral Rose is safe and OK, no fear, no sadness, just love, so you don't have to be sad for her per say. But you are the one who has to live on without her in your arms. You have every reason in the world to feel sorry for yourself, and miss her.

I have conflicted feelings about Therese's loss, because I have 3 children already, and sometimes I feel selfish in wishing that I had Therese too. Like I should be thankful, which I am, for what I've got, and not grieve for what I don't. I

am so sorry that you are going through this, and am glad you have your mom there to comfort you. She sounds like a wonderful person. Also, congratulations on your engagement. I know you didn't say this, but it seems that maybe you feel a bit guilty about being happy about being engaged? I may be totally reading into things, but just wanted to say, just think how happy Coral must be to see the love between her mommy and daddy. I am sure she wishes you both all the happiness you deserve. I know I do







Take care of yourself.


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## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

Coralsmom.
I have lurked in here....thinking peaceful thoughts for you during the burial and beyond. Your words ring so true, we should not have to bury our children, nor know the end date on their stone. It is wrong to have to choose a stone at all for a child.
Your mother's day sounds perfect, for you, your partner and for your daughter. I agree that she would wish her parents happiness, love and a bright future together.
You are blessed to be close with your mom, have so many loving supports around you...and no, the dandilions don't know about grief.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Coralsmom-







I just tried to pm you, but your mailbox is full! I'll try again tomorrow!


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's mom...

Thinking of you and hope you are doing well today.

Sarah


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

I'm so sorry about your loss. I lost my first child at 12 weeks. (((HUGS)))


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Coralsmom,

It sounds like the funeral was very nice. I'm glad that you felt good about it.
As to feeling guilty - you have every right to feel bad for yourself. I agree that I think that Coral is in peace. This life was not meant for our angels and I believe that they understand life and death in ways that we cannot easily understand. It has taken me a long time to accept that death is part of life. I appreciate all the lessons I have learned through grieving. My daughter taught me a lot about life even though she never got a chance to live much herself. It is the living who grieve and need support and need to cry and mourn.

Congratulations on your engagement! I can see how it is hard to get excited about but congrats anyway. You don't have to feel guilty about any happiness in your life. One of the things I have learned is that life is for living and I don't want to take anything for granted. I'm sure Coral wants you to be happy so let yourself be happy about even the smallest things. It doesn't mean you aren't still sad and grieving. It doesn't mean that you love her any less. Guilt is such a wicked emotion to add to grief - I hated the guilty feelings almost more than the pain.

I hope that you are doing OK. My thoughts are with you.


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## allykat (May 13, 2005)

Coralsmom,
I just wanted to let you know that i think of you often, your posts have been theraputic to me, just reading them i feel like i wrote those words, our stories are unfortunately very similar...i feel like i can relate, your thoughts that you have expressed are so close to mine, it actually has helped me to know that i am not the only one feeling the way that i feel. things i have never expressed or conciously thought about came to the surface while reading your posts...one night i read this whole thread and was just sitting there nodding and saying out loud "I Know" I feel like I should pay you for how much your sharing has helped me







I feel like i know you or you're in my head. Im sad that this is what we have in common but you seem like a beautiful loving person and Im glad you're here!!!! Thank you!
allykat (mommy to Allyson on earth and Katrina Grace in heaven 3/24/05)


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i have so many thoughts in my head... i think the approaching start of being completely tied down to the restaurant is weighing in now... when i'm driving my car, sometimes i have no idea how i got from point a to point b...the other day i almost got into someone else's car in the parking lot...i have been totally foggy and distracted- i think this because i have had weeks of uninterupted grieving time, and now there are things trying to pull me away from that, and i don't know if my whole brain is willing to let this happen, which is scary, because my job is challenging enough on my best day, and i am worried that there will be situations at work where i am caught with my pants down (hopefully not literally). its past the point of no return, we are opening tomorrow, and there is no turning it off or turning back.

something happened last week that really sent me plunging down the grief rollercoaster- it seems recently that this rollercoaster has been more fast and twisty and turny, not so much up and down... and truthfully, not up at all. i have addressed this mild depression with my therapist, who responded that it was to be expected, and the grief counselor, who suggested exercise, efa's and more sun- it has been raining since forever here, and my moods are definately sun-sensitive. i wish i could do more to help myself with this depression. what sent me down was my first excursion 'out' for a club soda at a friends new bar. i have been avoiding alcohol and caffeine- they seem to really trigger emotional crashes. all was going fine until a friend came in with a woman who was wearing a little baby, and before i knew it she was sitting down right next to me. my friend looked completely mortified that i was there and she had brought her friend with the baby there. everyone else there was aware of what had happened, and sort of lulled thier conversations but then recovered. i thought i was ok until the woman told the bartender her baby was 8 weeks old- the same as coral. this was the trigger, and i spent the next half hour trying not to let the tears fall from my eyes. the reminder of my sad and surreal world came rushing back, and it seemed so cruel and unfair that all of this had happened to us- the woman had 2 pints of beer, and i kept thinking that she must not be breastfeeding, and that made me think of my unused breast pump sitting in the baby's room. it took me two days to recover from this- i literally quietly wept through two whole days, and the object of my tearfulness was the simple fact that i love my daughter so much, miss her so much, and there is no remedy for this- i don't know how to reconcile myself to this...i am not suicidal, but at the same time i don't know how i am supposed to move forward when i am left without coral. i have such an intense love for her...i have been reminded of a relationship that ended years ago- i didn't want it to end. i felt similiar feelings about this break-up and coral's death...its the last time i have felt somewhat as sad as now. one of the differences is that with the break-up, i could at least hope for the next time i saw him, or know i could talk to him if i absolutely had to. it was a bitter consolation, yet these sightings and conversations helped get though to the point that i could stand on my own again. with coral's death- i have all of this love for her- it is pouring out of me and just flowing away uselessly. this fact is what is so unbearable. i need her with me. and she can't be with me. what am i supposed to do with this whole in my heart that the love keeps on rushing out of?

yesterday was the 21st. two months. i mark her life by the mondays that pass, counting weeks- 9 tomorrow, and moon cycles- she was born 4 days before the full moon. i was hoping for the days hurry by so i could be further from this experience- grief is a slow process. patience is not a quality i have in abundance.

again, this post has turned out so low down. i do have times when i am feeling good though. my partner and i talk about coral and what we would be doing with her if she was alive. i saw a beautiful cotton dress in a store's window display, it had a little ruffle and had strawberries printed all over it- i knew i would have bought this for coral, and when i walk past this dress everyday, it makes me smile imagining her getting it dirty in the garden. when i am hiking, i feel exhileration, and this enables me to communicate with coral in a very positive way- i came to a realization that i will someday be released from this physical world, and i will be able to be with coral then. i won't always be apart from her. our time to be together will come, and that seemed enough to bring me a sense of peace about what is happening.

i got the ten vials of blood taken this week to test for blood clotting disorders. i met with a perinatologist at the larger hospital, and he went over our 'case'. i saw many women in the waiting room, and it occured to me that they were all having 'high risk' pregnancies. i am trying to not get too hung up on this phrase. the only thing that went awry for us was that coral did not live in the end. i knew he wasn't going to have any new answers, but it is a relief to know that this bloodwork is getting done. he said the chances of a stillbirth happening in my next pregnancy was low, as well as all of the other things that can go 'wrong'. he seemed confident that my next baby would be born alive and healthy. i told my mother that at this point, i would be totally surprised if i had another pregnancy and it resulted in a live, healthy baby- that it would be a miracle. she thought about what i said and replied that each live, healthy baby born is a miracle, and it is so true.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Coralsmom,
I am so sorry that you are in such a dark place right now. I am also so sorry that you had to go through what you did at the bar. I went through a similar experience at my sons soccor pratice when I saw a new born girl wearing an outfit I had admired and planned on buying if I had had a girl. It was like a blow that knocked my breath out of me, and I was totally unprepared. It is this type of experience that seems to throw us back into the depths of despair. I know each time I think I'm over the deepest grief, something like that hits. All I can say is that I seem to recover a little quicker each time, and hope that you will as well. I am sending you love and hopeful thoughts for the future. My family is sending you light as well.
Catherine


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Coralsomom--

You are in the worst part right now. A mom I was in touch with after Kevin's stillbirth wrote to me that at three months she felt like she was walking uphill in a blizzard, and that perfectly described how I felt. I also appreciated knowing that I wasn't abnormal to be having such a tough time when so many weeks had passed and the world around me had forgotten about my baby. I remember running into a friend at church who asked me how I was doing, and when I said, "Not so well," she was surprised and said, "Oh, are you sick? Or just too busy?". She had absolutely no recognition that I was intensely grieving my baby's death. It was moments like these that made me feel like I was crazy and something was wrong with me. But now I know that the problem wasn't with me, it was just that other people had no idea. And I learned to not go out too much for a while. I think you're right, that with other committments pulling you out of your grief, your mind doesn't know how to adjust yet. It took so much concentration for me to drive, or to shop for groceries. All I can say is that I'm so sorry. Your posts are so beautiful. You are able to articulate feelings that I had and never expressed. My heart goes out to you.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Oh coralsmom, you're in such a deep hole right now. I'm thinking of you often and am sending you strength. Even after just an m/c I was in a deep, deep place for such a long time, and everytime I would look over the rim, just trying to see the sun, something or someone would kick me back in. But, it does need time, so much time and patience. Just like children, I guess.
It's been almost one year since my loss, and I dread the anniversaries as well. And I see this little soul dancing around me and my two living daughters often. He is here with us often, and I don't care how crazy that sounds, I know he is and will be a part of us always. My connection to him is a very private one, I never talk about him to anyone, but that is just as good, I don't really want to share him.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Coral's mom-

I know I have not been around lately, but just wanted to let you know that I was right where you are not so long ago..I won't say it gets better, but it does get different.. It has been 15 weeks since Luke died and now I am at a very angry, emotional stage of my grief.. I get mad when I see parents being harsh with their children I am very sensitive, and have been blowing up at my husband for no reason.. I feel very vunerable now and feel I NEED the support group that I attend. I am geeting back into my work and wondering sometimes if it is what my "purpose" was on this earth.. I do have my happy moments and I am not in such a dark place anymore. I am able to carry on reasonable conversations with people now.. but just get pissed when I hear other women talking about their pregnancies.. they are so innocent and we have had the rug pulled out from us.. I just want you to know that you will be going through different stages and that you are not alone.

Love
SArah


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Thank you Sarah for your honesty. I love you honey....
Yeah...this journey is interesting, to say the least...
It has been 14 months TODAY since my daughter died....I didn't think that I would ever get to this point....but here I am. I still get sad, angry, rageful, experience sorrow, etc....It isn't as harsh as it used to be...but it still cuts deep.
I am one of the few that isn't pg again....and having thoughts about NOT having more kids. I go back and forth with this one, alot.
I want to take my two living children and run far away....
Half the time I don't want to be married anymore....

I share this because this is my life after the death of my daughter. This is my life with grief. This is my life today.
Some days are good, some suck ass....it is just the way it is.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

thank you for being so straight with your experience and feelings, jackieg213, and sarah... jackie, i am sorry for your loss, especially on this anniversary day... i think it has been hard for me to access and allow myself any anger related to coral's birth and death. a part of me feels that there isn't anything that can be changed about what has happened, so there is no point getting angry about it... and a small part of me is afraid that allowing anger in may alter other areas of my life in a bad chain reaction... afraid it may rock the boat in my relationship, my ability to work, my relationships with family and friends, etc. although, i will say that last night i had a definate brush with an angry feeling... i was making a drink at the bar and this thought popped into my head fromm nowhere- 'i actually gave birth... a baby came out of me' and i had to file it away so i could deal with a customer. but later on, when i could think about that thought, it made me so so mad that i have actually had a baby, but i have no baby!! this event that i have experienced is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and to anyone else i know (outside of this discussion board...) i think i am feeling angry it happened to me- not that i wish it happened to someone else, but that i have to experience it- i am so angry that my chance at having a baby ended in her death. i still can't believe this actually happened to me. my grief therapist said that getting angry will put a limit on my depression, so i'm actively trying to hold this angry feeling around for a while...

i bought an ovulation predicter kit at the store today- i finally got my period- the first day of work! i was so happy to have it happen, though, to have my body 'working' again. our midwife said to go ahead and try, she feels that we have every reason to want to try to conceive soon, my body is healthy, and we feel good about it, so i guess we are going to start trying to get pregnant with coral's sibling. i suppose it could take months and months, and i just have to find patience with this process...

i also went in and bought coral the little red strawberry dress yesterday- it is so beautiful, and i am SO glad i did this- it is the only item we've purchased especially for her- everything else is yellow, white, green, and 'generic'. it will go in with all of the other items that marked her life and death- our most precious and valuable possessions.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Coralsmom-
Good people do get angry at injustice, and you are certainly a good person!







What happened to you isn't fair and it should anger you. You deserve better. I think that anger can be a good thing. It can certainly burn away the fog of depression and help you get through the bad times. Especially if you channel the anger into something good. Be that exercising, writing, or even growing a garden, it is pure fire that can be used to burn away the pain at times. I'm not saying to let rage run rampant through your life, but use it as a tool to get trhough the blackness you've been experiencing.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that the ttcing is a quick success. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

last tuesday, we got the results in from the blood clotting tests taken a few weeks back. i was surprised when the nurse told me they all came back negative- i was expecting there to be some positive results mixed in with all of the things they tested for- the doctor even checked for toxoplasmosis antibodies because they never tested- we have a cat and i wanted all the bases covered... but it all came back negative. of course this news brought two reactions- first, a bit of relief that this will not be something that is a factor in the next pregnancy, and that they didn't give me a diagnosis of, say, lupus over the phone... and then back to the sadness and questions about coral's death- there is a part of me that really wishes i knew _what happened_ to have her life end the way it did. again, we decided not to have the autopsy done on her, and i am still fine with that decision we made- but at this point autopsy results would be the only way to know what happened to coral. there has been a lingering hope that i would at some point know how coral died...this is gone now.

one thing i did recently was to take coral's pictures to the photo copying machine to make many copies. i manipulated the images a little- made some in black and white, some in sepia, and cropped here and there, made a few that i could keep in my wallet. i'm glad i did this- although it was a bit nerve-wracking while i was there becasue i didn't want anyone to see her image to have to explain. the black and white option is an interesting change.

we are still waiting for coral's headstone at her gravesite. there is a little gray plastic marker with her name on it there now. we go every morning and change flowers, and i get a chance to be near her. at her grave, i feel connected to her body- the beautiful little body that was created out of myself and my partner. when i am at the few other places that are 'hers', i feel more connected to her spirit. i guess it is nice to have both experiences. at the cemetary, as it was memorial day recently, there were a lot of families, etc. tending to their loved one's graves. this was comforting to see- that other people are connected to their lost family and friends, still grieving, but still living their lives. there is another little girl buried close to coral- she died at 2 days old in 1992. her grave occasionally has new flowers left there, she would be a 13 year old girl now, and i wonder how this mother and father feel when they go to her grave...

there have been so many experiences at the restaurant that are such a challenge to go through- people i havn't seen or talked to coming in to eat, and whether or not they say something about coral or not, it definately makes it difficult to maintain a sense of normalacy throughout their evening- i put on a good face, and these separate experiences just pile up for me the deal with later on. its pretty exhausting to try and process it all after the fact. it seems like i want to tell each and every person what actually happened to coral, to us, then, and in the past few months- but there never is any _time_- it is very frustrating to me!

i havn't been here much to check in, but i hope all of you are healthy and in some positive place of recovery and active grieving. i think about all of you so much! words that i've read here come flooding back to me when i'm driving, about to fall asleep, etc.







to all of you...


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Thinking of you and Coral. Hang in there.


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## allykat (May 13, 2005)

Coralsmom,
Step by step, day by day...know that my thoughts are with you...








allykat


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Coralsmom,

Even an autopsy doesn't always yield information. We had an autopsy done with Kevin, and they still didn't find anything. Just didn't want you to wonder too much about if you had one done.

Good for you for feeling the anger. It's a necessary and appropriate response to such an unjust situation.

I'm glad you bought the dress. It sounds perfect.

Hang in there,
Katherine


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## allykat (May 13, 2005)

coralsmom,
i found another connection we have after rereading your posts, your precious coral was due on my birthday...every connection i find gives me more comfort somehow...just recently, i found a connection with my angel katrina...let me back up a bit, i was born at 27 weeks, 2lbs 6ozs, 52 days in an incubator...gave my mom and dad plenty to worry about 32 years ago with the limited technology there was at the time...anyway, i made it with no residual effects...astounding at that time...anyway, i ramble...one connection with Katie is this...she was born at 6:33pm...I WAS BORN AT 6:33PM...I mean how crazy is that, how many minutes are in a day, yet we were born at the exact same time...we also have the same skin tag on our ear, the exact thing...THATS MY GIRL...another cool thing about her...for all you catholic mamas out there, her patron saint is Catherine, (Katrina a derivitive of Katherine), Saint Catherine of Sweden passed on 3/24, same as Katrina and she is the patron saint against abortion and in support of those who have suffered a loss of a child through miscarriage or other similar instances...every connection i find brings me closer to her...just thought id share...thank you! God Bless!
allykat


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Coralsmom:

I don't have time right now to catch up with this thread but I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts.

Peace

-Berkeley


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

coralsmom,
how are you doing these days?


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

This is the first time I've seen this thread... much love to you, CoralsMom


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

well, i havn't checked in in weeks, and tonight i'm up late and feeling pretty sad- as usual... the restaurant sucks every moment from my day, and besides that, all i do is think about my life in terms of coral throughout the days and nights. my life without coral. my life as it would have been with coral. why she died. flashbacks of my pregnancy with her. visiting her grave at the cemetary every moring beforew work. looking at her picture tucked into my wallet. searching for other babies about 5 months old. wanting to tell people how proud we are to be her parents, how beautiful she was, her curly hair, her round cheeks, her long fingers. it makes people so uncomfortable to talk about a baby who has died. i want to share her so bad, though. maybe coral would have been colicky, maybe a good sleeper, a big smiler... recently the big thought that stays with me is that i never kissed her skin. i never kissed my own daughter. this seems so wrong to me. we drive home late at night in silence and i know we are both thining of how much we miss her. we actually talked about what we would be doing if she hadn't died- picking her up from my mother's, carrying her back to our house all warm and sleepy, her head so hot and sweaty, maybe she'd cry, maybe she'd be hungry, and then spending time with her before we put her into her crib- she'd be too big for her bassinet now... this talk got my partner very sad- he wanted to know her so much... its been hard for him to find the time to feel the grieving and the reality, as our work is so consuming. we are currently trying to conceive again, a whole other world of ups and downs in itself, learning about temps and opks, etc. this also adds a lot of stress to a time in our lives that is already stressed to the maximum. there is a light at the end of this tunnel though, the tourist season will be over sooner than later, and we will have a little more time to breath again. one of our waitresses at work is 27 weeks pregnant. this is a challenge every day i work with her... a constant reminder of our loss, yet its sometimes nice to see her belly, and she is one of the only peole i have to talk to about how my own pregnancy was. this is an aspect i've found to really disjunctive. my pregnancy ended very abrubtly, and i think that i'm left with a lot of incomplete feelings about it- in lucid moments after waking i wonder if the past year actually happened. most pregnancies end with the happy parents and baby leaving the hospital. sometimes i feel like mine either never ended becasue this scenario didn't play out, and on the other hand, it feels as though it was ripped away from me... i'm not expressing this correctly. i've been thinking about it alot. there needs to be some healing there, though. i think i need to have another pregnancy that ends with the safe arrival of my baby to heal this incomplete feeling i've been left with... and what if this never happens...

i hope all of you are healing, or on your way there. i don't know where i'm at in my grief process. i'm so lost in thoughts of her, my little one. i'll check back in more often... love, coralsmom


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

coralsmom-
It is good to hear your thoughts again. As usual they have a way of echoing my own in my head. Unfortunately, I have suffered a severe setback in the ttc due to suffering a intracerebral hemorage that brought on two grand maul seizures during which I dislocated both my shoulders last week, no warning, no aswers, but no permanent damage, and happened before I ovulated that week, so no horrible decisions had to be made. So in a way it was a blessing, and there is a possibility that this will lead to some anwers about why we lost Therese.

I also wanted to let you know to check to be sure about your clotting tests. I was told that everything was normal, but after my stroke, the rhuematologist took a look at that blood work and said that indeed I had tested positive for antiphospholipid antibodies. I guess a positive is 12 and I tested 21, a low positive, but positive non-the-less. I am having numerous other tests done through him because he said I may have the disorder just at a sub-clinical level, and that the level change in your blood from time to time. Putting all the peices together gives a very different picture. So you may want to get a copy of the test results, and have a rheumatologist look at them. It is possible that this stroke could have been prevented if I had been refered to the rheumatologist before this.

But it actually made me forget I would be due in less than a month. The women that I knew that were due about the same time had their babies, all girls. Kind of like twisting the knife, not a boy among them, there needs to be a smiley that represents a bitter laugh. But I have been so consumed with just surviving the last week or so, that it was a shock when I realized the date. Also the time I spent in the hospital without breastfeeding my 20 month old seems to have made him weaning himself. He hasn't asked to nurse yet today, and I am trying not to offer since they may be able to put me on medication that has less side effects if I am not nursing.







So depending on what they find I may have nursed my lasst time.

But as dh keeps reminding me, I walked out of the hospital, into the arms of my beautiful boys. I can see, the hemorage took place in my vision center I guess, and my shoulders will heal. I may not nurse again, but I will get to hold my children again, and I know that all this good news is because Therese was up in heaven looking out for me and my family. I want her to still be in my arms so badly, and have actually managed to put on 20 lbs since I found out I was pregnant with her, even though I had only put on 9 when we lost her. Can you say denial and comfort eating?

But I think right now finding comfort wherever you can is important. Talk about your beautiful coral to whoever will listen, make her a part of your life, remember she IS always with you, and loving you and your partner. You will have the opportunity to have another baby, and complete the process, but coral will always be a part of you, she can never grow up and move away, and you can always hold her in your heart. I think about you and coral often, almost as much as I think about Therese, and I truly feel that she is taking care of you now, and when she thinks the time is right and the right baby is there for you, you will get pregnant again, and coral will have a little brother or sister to look out for in this world. Sending you love and hugs. Take time to grieve, but also take time to enjoy the life you have left, this stroke has really made me see the purpose of both.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

oh my word race-kelly! i am sorry to read about what happened to you, but also so relieved and thankful that you are alright, safe with your family... i'm sorry to say i don't even know what a grand maul seizure is. i hope you are doing alright... i'll keep you in my thoughts today, as you always are, you and therese (and all the other little ones...!).

thank you for your words about coral rose. i've forgotten how nice it is to read these positive things about my daughter, no matter how many times they are said, each time it is really important to hear them- like water drenching a dry field...

gotta go... much love to you all.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

coralsmom, it's so good to hear from you!! I have been thinking of you and coral rose during the last weeks, wondering how your life was moving along. I'm very glad to read your post although I feel your pain.
I very much hope that you will conceive soon and be able to feel the joy of growing a baby again. I'm sure it will bring you healing, and hopefully give you back some of your happiness.
Sending you good thoughts and much strength!!


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