# It's Been Seven Years



## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Today it's been seven years since I found out my precious Amy Dawn had died. I feel so empty and angry that she died. I can't believe it's been seven years.

I can't believe I've survived this long without her.














:

I wish she were here! I wish things were different now!

I'll never forget that day. After going to the hospital to try to find the baby's heartbeat the midwife drove me home. She asked me if I would be okay to drive home. I said yes even though I knew I wouldn't be. My intention was to drive into the oncoming traffic to end my life. I'll always remember driving through Brentwood wanting to go into the oncoming traffic and how painful that was. Then I realized how unfair that would be to my husband to lose his wife and his baby. That's what made me stop.

The pain was so great I often wondered if I would survive it. When I would wake up in the morning I would be so confused how my body could survive such great pain when my heart was completely broken.

Somehow day by day and moment by moment I did survive. I am glad that I did although sometimes I do feel guilty for surviving without my baby. I wish so badly that she were here with me now! My heart aches for all we missed together and especially for all Hope and Amy Dawn missed together.

If anything grieving the loss of my precious daughter has taught me that I can survive anything. Not that I wanted to learn that lesson!!! But now I know no matter what happens I can survive. Amy Dawn has given me so much love and strength and has made such a difference in so many lives. I am so glad we had her but I will always wish that she could have stayed here on earth with us.

I am so angry that she is dead and that it's over. And yet it will never be over.
She will always be my baby, my precious little girl and I will always long for her til the day I die.

I hate significant days. *sigh*


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Amy Dawn

I'm so sorry.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

_Thank you!_


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

jen,
thank you for sharing amy dawn here today.
it is so heartbreaking to realize that years pass, and keep passing...
i can only begine to imagine how hard it has been for you over the past seven years. i think about how one day it will be 7 years without my daughter, and i almost can't believe i have to keep on going on for all that time without her. it is good to just take it one day at a time!

it helps so much to know our babies never fade into the past, that as amy dawn is with you, they stay vibrant and vital and alive in our hearts.

thank you again.
love, coralsmom








amy dawn


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

_Thank you coralsmom_

I need to remember to take care of myself today moment by moment.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

Jen

Thank you for sharing your sweet angel with us. I find significant days can bring me right back to the pain and grief I felt on that day years ago








Amy Dawn

tara


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## strmis (Dec 31, 2006)

Just thought you could use an e-hug. Take care.

















Amy Dawn


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Amy Dawn







What a beautiful name. Thank you for sharing her with us. It has been almost two years since I lost Therese, and I think about her often and wander what it would be like to have her here. Many







coming your way.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Jen--










Losing a baby is such an injustice. Amy Dawn was supposed to be here, her life was supposed to unfold in front of her and you...

I'm so sorry. It is a testament to the depth of your love, what you have written here. What a wonderful mommy she had, and Hope has.

Take care.


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

for your sweet baby.


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## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

I am so sorry. Your strength to get through it is amazing.


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## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

Thank you so much for sharing your precious angel with us. I lost my son 3 months ago and it helps to read about how other mamas have survived and gotten through it. You are a strong woman.








Amy Dawn


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

_Thank you so much everyone for your support!_

Yesterday was Amy Dawn's 7th birthday.








Normally I take Hope to Sears for pictures, get a beautiful birthday cake from a specialty bakery, go to her memorial and release balloons to heaven and place a memorial in the local paper.

This year I feel like her birthday snuck up on me. It wasn't until Sunday that I realized that I hadn't pre-ordered her special birthday cake and that that bakery is closed on Mondays! That really threw me off. I was so mad at myself. The memorial in the paper didn't get done either although I am considering doing it for this week's paper.

I tried to mark the day by remembering Amy Dawn but I felt so awful. I ended up calling a good friend for support who was really compassionate and helpful. I was so glad to have had her to call! Talking to her was like getting a nice hug. Warm and comforting.









I didn't know what to do with myself and she helped me to come up with an idea. Go to Michael's and make a craft. So I thought Hope and I would go out for lunch to a nice restaurant. That was fine until I overheard someone ask another person what time they were born at and I was triggered. I started to bawl and felt like I was going to be sick and had to run to the bathroom.
















Hope was so great and patient with me and in the car when I let my feelings out she comforted me with hugs and kisses and on her own told me I was a great mom! Boy did I need to hear that from her!









Once I calmed down I decided to go to Michael's and get the craft. Of course then I remembered I also wanted to get a Precious Moments figurine for Amy Dawn's birthday, I get one every year, and pick up a special cake etc. I thought I was okay. The thing is I could barely get through Michael's! Just as I was about to leave, I saw a stamp that said 'I Miss You' that I bought along with heart ribbon that Hope picked out and pink, red and white cardstock. Then I drove straight home, I just couldn't face any more.

At home I felt calmer, phoned my friend again which really helped and then was triggered again by dh this time.
After resting and calming down Hope and I were able to make paintings for Amy Dawn and make cards for her.









I feel so bad that I wasn't able to do more and yet I'm glad that Hope and I remembered Amy Dawn together.
I wish we had gone to her memorial and yet I know that I just couldn't do it at the time.

I'm _trying_ to be okay with how things went but it's really hard. I feel like a failure all over again.







:
Perhaps later this week I'll feel able to go to her memorial, I hope so.

_I've never felt so unprepared for her birthday before!_ The pain hit me so hard, just like in the beginning. It's scary and I don't like it! I feel like all the grief that normally I would have cried, screamed, written etc. about before her birthday is hitting me now. I've felt so out of control! I hate it.

_Thank you to every one of you for your support!_
I feel better after posting (thank goodness for Mothering!) but am rather worn out after all the emotion of yesterday. I hope I can sleep well tonight.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Wow, what an emotional day for you! I have a feeling each of us will have a year when the day will sneak up on us. Go easy on yourself! You are a terrific mom to her and obviously to Hope (what a sweetheart to be so kind to you!). Happy Birthday Amy Dawn!


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## mrsuribe (Nov 9, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story. Amy Dawn and Hope are blessed to have a mother like you. You are not a failure. You have raised Hope to be a very loving person (just like her mother). Take care









Happy birthday Amy Dawn


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## SamuraiMom (Nov 7, 2006)

HI amydawnmom's, I wish I was there to give you a hug. We just lost our baby in January, I was 23 weeks pregnant. After reading your post I felt that I had to read your story and it moved me to start a thread about the feelings that we go through before we know that we have lost our babies.
That sometimes our subciouse holds such sad information from us, but we experience it in a different way, maybe something deep inside of us is sad for the loss, I dont' know, I can't explain it, that is why I started the thread, to see if other women had experienced this almost "forwarning", like I might have, and it seems as if you might have too. Thank you for sharing your story, I am sending you lots of love







and hugs







.

Samantha, mama to Sarah/8, Sami/4, Rachel/2.5, Zachary(1.4.07) m/c 2nd trim.)


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

:
Happy Birthday Amy Dawn!


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

I've been feeling completely emotionally and physically exhausted since Amy Dawn's birthday on Monday. :yawning:














:yawning:
















I've realized that I've been grieving for Amy Dawn and all she missed and the seven years and all I've missed and all my dreams.
















I feel so drained this week and am trying to take it really s-l-o-w.
I woke up yesterday with a head cold and was achy all over.
I slept a lot and in the afternoon had a Colour Energy blue bath with epsom salts which helped me to relax my body and mind.

I feel so sad and yet so angry too about the way my life turned out.
I wanted so much more for me, for Ben (dh), Amy Dawn and Hope.














:

Between sleeping and distraction I hope to make it through this time bit by bit. I'm trying not to think too much, just be.

Thank you to all of you for your great support!


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Please take care of yourself


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