# "Parenting Our Parents" Tribe: Important Winter + Elderly Concerns Alert! Please read POST 25 (page 2)



## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Hi!

Anyone else interested in a Tribe of caregivers for our parents??

I am the primary caregiver to both my parents, each is 88. Mom is in assisted living, just 8 minutes from our home. Dad still lives in their house, about 90 miles away.

Mom is doing pretty good, but Dad is going downhill pretty fast.

I also help with my fil (also just minutes away). My darling mil died several years ago.









Thought it would be nice to have a place to share thoughts, concerns, advice and information with others that understand these difficulties.

I have recently asked my Dad to give up driving and it worked easily, kindly and successfully. I also know of some good resources for eldercare products.

I know there are others here going through these times. Let's help each other!!


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## MaShroom (Jan 25, 2003)

Your sig line cracks me up!









I started a thread like this awhile back, but no replies.







Maybe most of us in this position are so busy we don't check the FYT threads too often? Splendid idea though, let's keep it going. I know there have to be others...

I'm Keri, I have three kids and an 84 year old dad who lives in a retirement community about 10 miles from me. My sister lives about 30 miles away and has a very demanding work schedule, so TAG, I'm it!

Dad is still self-sufficient for the most part, but I see him declining. He has strange episodes for which we still have no diagnosis. It's like an anxiety attack and is accompanied by memory loss and incoherent speech. Unfortunately, they are becoming more frequent. We have ruled out so many things, he's had every test they can throw at him, but none of the docs can explain it. So we just deal with it. I hate it when he has one and I'm not there to help him get through it. I've thought about asking him to come live with us but I know he would refuse. Our house is chaotic - _I_ don't want to live here sometimes.









Right now I'm afraid we might not be too far from having to have the "you shouldn't be driving anymore" talk. Fortunately, if he has to go any long distance he is good about letting me chauffeur him. I'm glad your dad was receptive and didn't resist giving up driving, that can be a tough one.

I take my dad to the VA hospital for everything, he's a WWII vet. The hospital is about an hour away so when he has an emergency or needs to go in for something, there goes my day. I, of course, don't begrudge the time spent, but it's hard. One of me, 3 kids, and an aging parent who is requiring more attention all of the time... Doesn't exactly balance.

Thanks for starting this thread.


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Quote:

Your sig line cracks me up!

I started a thread like this awhile back, but no replies. Maybe most of us in this position are so busy we don't check the FYT threads too often? Splendid idea though, let's keep it going. I know there have to be others...
Glad you like the quote! Sorry, I never saw that thread or I would have replied. Like you said, this isn't a forum I visit much.

Quote:

I'm Keri, I have three kids and an 84 year old dad who lives in a retirement community about 10 miles from me. My sister lives about 30 miles away and has a very demanding work schedule, so TAG, I'm it!
Does your sister help at all?? My siblings are of no use when it comes to Mom & Dad. I've spoken to my sister "J" just twice in the last year and my oldest brother "C" emails sporadically. The other brother "R" (who actually lives just a few miles from Dad) has been estranged from the family for almost 20 years.

J & C say they talk to Mom and Dad, but are miffed that Mom and Dad don't seem to remember them. I have no way to even know if they do call, as Mom and Dad both do have memory problems. All I know is that J & C never call here and ask about our parents. Which, if the roles were reversed and I was far away and they were caregiving, I would be calling both my parents and my siblings to see what was up.

I don't bother to try asking them to maintain better contact with Mom & Dad. When our parents are gone, I will be the one without any guilt and, though missing my parents immensely, I will sleep well and without any "I should have, could have, would haves", kwim?

Quote:

Dad is still self-sufficient for the most part, but I see him declining. He has strange episodes for which we still have no diagnosis. It's like an anxiety attack and is accompanied by memory loss and incoherent speech. Unfortunately, they are becoming more frequent. We have ruled out so many things, he's had every test they can throw at him, but none of the docs can explain it. So we just deal with it. I hate it when he has one and I'm not there to help him get through it. I've thought about asking him to come live with us but I know he would refuse. Our house is chaotic - I don't want to live here sometimes.
Sound like your Dad is having mini strokes. They don't necessarily show up on the CAT scan or MRI unless you have those done immediately. Mom had an MRI just the day after her bad stroke and it showed a bleed the size of a lime in her brain. Two weeks later, it was just a hazy area that the doctors told me they could attribute to brain aging. So, it is important to force those tests!!

Quote:

Right now I'm afraid we might not be too far from having to have the "you shouldn't be driving anymore" talk. Fortunately, if he has to go any long distance he is good about letting me chauffeur him. I'm glad your dad was receptive and didn't resist giving up driving, that can be a tough one.
I, too, was waiting to have that talk with Dad. I should have done it a year ago (probably more). I was a chicken and didn't want to face the FACT that he was a danger to himself and to others on the road. If your Dad has these attacks with the accomapnying "memory loss and incoherent speech", he should be driving at all. I am sure you realize this (not trying to talk down to you!!). My Dad has his accident in the parking lot of the golf course less than a mile from his house. He backed into another vehicle 3 times. He doesn't remember doing it or anything about that day. Time to hang-up the keys. I would be happy to tell you how I handled "the talk" and what I said and solutions/options I offered him. It made all the difference, let me tell you!

Quote:

I take my dad to the VA hospital for everything, he's a WWII vet. The hospital is about an hour away so when he has an emergency or needs to go in for something, there goes my day. I, of course, don't begrudge the time spent, but it's hard. One of me, 3 kids, and an aging parent who is requiring more attention all of the time... Doesn't exactly balance.
Another WWII vet with my Dad!! Unlike your Dad, mine refuses to ever see a doctor (he'd need to be spurting arterial blood for that to happen...). Is there not an ER closer to you to use for emergencies??

I know how hard it is and I have only one child! Does your husband give you lots of support? I am fortunate in that my dh is a dream and has done more than anyone could ask for regarding both my parents and his own (well, his Dad, his Mom died several years ago







).

Does your Dad still handle all his finances? I took over all my parents' financial business in April. I handle their taxes (well, H&R Block does that!) and am their legal representative for everything regarding Social Security and I am their power of attorney, too. I pay all the bills (I am listed on all their bank accounts), which is good as Dad stopped paying all of his bills last January (which is why I took over in April, after I discovered this difficulty of his).

I wish you all the best and hope this thread will offer some support for those of us dealing with eldercare issues.

Leslie


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Hi all! I wanted to start a new Parent our Parents thread as the old one got archived.

The purpose of this thread is just to provide support for those of us who are caring for our parents, or elderly relatives.

Thanks, and I'm looking forward to hearing from ya'll!


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

I started a tribe like this just a short time ago:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=993887

I have just one parent now. My Dad died last week on Friday, his 88th birthday. You can read my thread on it here:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=996488&page=4

I am feeling kind of numb right now. I've had to be the one to handle everything dealing with my parents for several years. I have three siblings, none of them are in the picture. Or, rather, they are just too busy, according to their schedules...............

We buried Dad this morning. Mom & I were the only ones there. Dad hated funerals (I hate 'em, too), so we respected his wishes.

I have been calling all the agencies that need to be contacted. Everyone has been really nice.

Friends and neighbors have called and offered help and tell me I've done so much good and my parents' are lucky to have me, etc.

It's nice to hear and they are sweet to offer help.

But, you know, it royally pisses me off that my own siblings don't offer squat. When I told my sister (she is back East) I was calling Social Security and the Defense Department etc, she interrupted and said, "Oh, yeah, we've been there, done that, know how you feel." But, the thing is, SHE hasn't done this for HER parent. She may have helped when her mil died, but it isn't the same as when it is your own parent (no matter how much you may love your in-laws). I know, because I had to do most everything when MY mil died, and I feel entirely different doing the same for my Dad.

My brother simply said, "God bless you" and let it go at that. True words of comfort for an atheist (which he knows I am







: ). He wanted to know if I found a couple of items belonging to Dad that he wants. It was like listening to a vulture hovering.

When I called him today to tell him that Dad had been buried, he sort-of snorted and said, "Hold on, I'm in a meeting....Yes, I got your earlier message. God bless you, I'll talk to you later," and hung-up. Oh, sorry to interrupt your meeting to remind you Dad was planted today.........














:

Sigh, sorry to rant, I just need to blow off some of this steam building up.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

grahamsmom98, I'm so so sorry for your loss.

When FIL died a couple years back, I helped with calling around, ect. I can tell you that it was no where near what it would be like if it was my own parent. I can't imagine what you are going through.

And oh god, what your brother said was just awful. Is he younger than you? I'm the oldest in my family, and the only one who lives close to home, so I get that most of the responsibility will fall on my shoulders. But STILL. That doesnt mean that your siblings can be heartless.

I will write more later, but just couldnt read without responding.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Also, I feel like such an jerk for starting a new thread.

I had done a search a while back, someone had asked about one in a QandS thread, and I had made a note to start one, and just didn't get around to it fast enough.

If it's ok with you, I can ask a mod to merge these.


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## Monarchgrrl (Aug 16, 2007)

I'm helping "parent" my grandparents. We had to put my grandma in a nursing home last weekend.







She really only trusts me, so she wouldn't go anywhere until I got there. (San Fran to San Diego) She always said that she'd rather die than be put in a home, but once she was there, she was better with the situation. She has lung and bone cancer, severe diabetes, weighs 285 and can't walk anymore. Her bone cancer has moved to her hip and femur, so she's bed-ridden now. My grandpa is a frail man and can't help her anymore.

She always took care of the bills and now he's pretty lost about how to do it. We made me Power of Attorney and did his will, and everything else last weekend. I filled out all the checks for his bills and all he had to do was sign them. When I visit next month, if there are past due bills or anything he hasn't paid, I will then become a signer on his bank account and start paying all his bills online from San Fran.

It's so tough. I wish I could be in San Diego taking care of them.


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## Monarchgrrl (Aug 16, 2007)

So, I'm not sure which thread is going to be "the" thread, so I'll repost what I said in the other one.

I'm helping "parent" my grandparents. We had to put my grandma in a nursing home last weekend.







She really only trusts me, so she wouldn't go anywhere until I got there. (San Fran to San Diego) She always said that she'd rather die than be put in a home, but once she was there, she was better with the situation. She has lung and bone cancer, severe diabetes, weighs 285 and can't walk anymore. Her bone cancer has moved to her hip and femur, so she's bed-ridden now. My grandpa is a frail man and can't help her anymore.

She always took care of the bills and now he's pretty lost about how to do it. We made me Power of Attorney and did his will, and everything else last weekend. I filled out all the checks for his bills and all he had to do was sign them. When I visit next month, if there are past due bills or anything he hasn't paid, I will then become a signer on his bank account and start paying all his bills online from San Fran.

It's so tough. I wish I could be in San Diego taking care of them.

grahamsmom98







I'm so sorry


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I'll go ahead and merge the two


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Quote:

When I visit next month, if there are past due bills or anything he hasn't paid, I will then become a signer on his bank account and start paying all his bills online from San Fran.
Monarchgrrl, sorry you, too, are going through this.

I took over all my parent's financial business last March. My Dad had stopped paying all his bills in January. We feel he had probably begun having mini-strokes. The TV and phone were disconnected by the companies and the power was just a few days from being cut-off. Dad had never said a word about anything. I asked how things were going (we talked several times a week) and he always said fine. Once I realized what was happening (I couldn't get a hold of him by phone), I took over.

My Dad gave up driving just weeks ago, at my request. I was worried about his driving and we had a wonderful talk. If you have any concerns about this, please, pm me, and I can offer advice ad links to information about this important and life-saving decision.

I have a file cabinet filled with just paperwork for Mom & Dad. I am keeping really tight records so there are no questions as to where their money is going each month.

My attorney told me that, as POA, I can sign my parent's names on their checks without being on the account. So, say it is a check to pay the water bill, it would be made out to the company and I would sign it like this:

"Dad's Name" by "My Name" as POA" Ex: _John Doe by Jane Smith as POA_ ALL that info must be written on that tiny signature line!

You don't need to be on the account as you are the POA and have the legal right to sign for them. Maybe it's different in another state (I'm in Washington state). I'd ask your attorney to be on the safe side.

By not being on their account, it makes things way easier when their time comes and they die. It keeps things separate, you know? It's their money, not your's (you are signing for their bills, not for your own use). If you have siblings, especially, that stand to inherit anything, it can get nasty because you are on the account and it then becomes your money (as a joint account owner) and can cause all kinds of legal hassles.

Keep your name off the accounts and explain things to the bank, they'll be helpful (talk to a bank official, not a teller).

Make sure you have plenty of copies of the POA to give to various businesses so that you can ahndle all of their financial and business issues. I had to give the POA documants (copies) to the following in order to gain access to account information: banks, insurance companies, garbage company, telephone company, water company, county utilities, cable TV company, lawn care company, power company, military/government (my Dad was retired Air Force) and a few others that slip my mind at the moment!

For Social Security, the POA is not an authorized documents for their needs. You must go to the SS office and apply to be their payee representative. You will then keep records as to what their SS money was used for each month. This record is submitted once a year to SS. This must be done in person and your grandparents will need to be sworn and sign their approval for this. Not sure how it works for people that cannot travel (it sounds like this would be difficult for your grandmother). Call your local SS office and ask them. They have been very nice each time I have had to speak with them.

Were the POA and will(s) notarized?? It is important, especially if they are elderly (and, possibly on medications that could affect their decision-making capabilities?). It shows that they were/are of sound mind when they signed the documents and were not being forced. We also had witnesses sign an affidavit, which adds some weight to the documents, too.

On their wills (I assume these were drawn-up for both your grandparents?), were you listed as the executor of their estates? This is important. If your grandfather were to die, is your grandmother able to take care of what needs to be done?

Don't forget a Community Property Agreement. Are you also their POA for Health Care decisions? Another important document!!! Check with your attorney about what California requires to avoid probate and other lengthy legal hassles.

All of these things are so important. I am really glad that we did all this a year ago with my folks. It has made things so much easier. When Dad died (how strange it is to write that), I knew exactly who I needed to call (legal and important stuff, beyond the relatives and friends) and what to do. I knew about insurance policies and what monies were/are available for the survivor, my Mom. As they had a Community Property Agreement, everything simply rolls-over to Mom. No probate, no hassles.

Again, I am sorry you are dealing with this. If I can help with my "been there, done that" experience, please contact me.


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Argh! Can I vent for a moment?









As you know, Dad died a week+ ago. Our attorney needs the addresses of my siblings as a legal matter to settle Dad's estate. I called my brother in California to see if he has the address of the one estranged sibling in our family (it may be more by the time I'm done with all this!







: ).

I left a message on his home phone and cell phone on Friday. I called, again, yesterday (Sunday afternoon) and my sil answered. She said they'd been out of town for the weekend. She gave me the silbilng's address and then went on to say how hard this has been on my brother. She said he's talked about Dad's death quite a bit this week.

I sat there with my mouth doing this >







. Hard on him? Hard on HIM??? SHIT! I'm the one dealing with the medical examiner. I'm the one calling the insurance companies and other businesses and having to tell them that Dad died, over and over and over. I'm the one dealing with Mom and her broken foot-and-living-with-us-until-it-has-healed. I'm the one having to explain it to her many times over as she is stroke-impaired and it hit her memory. I'm the one that wrote the obituary. I'm the one that had to choose a casket and make all the arrangements (even if they weren't complicated). I'm the one that stood there with Mom as Dad was buried. I'm the one that has lied to friends and family about the where Dad died, telling them he died in his new recliner in front of the TV to spare them pain, instead of telling them the truth: He died on the floor of the garage, from hypothermia and a fractured pelvis from a fall. The toxicology reports will be in in 8-10 weeks which may show he had been drinking. But, it doesn't really matter because he's still dead. I'm the one that will have to clean his house and arrange the repairs that will be neccessary to make it available for sale this Spring or Summer.

He's had to do NOTHING with all this. He's said, for over a year, he would be coming to visit our parents (I've kept him apprised on how they have been doing). Each month comes and goes with an excuse about the job or money being tight. Yet, he went fishing down in Baja a few weeks ago. Guess that was free?? Doubt it. Within 5 minutes of my telling him Dad had died (and, two days later because we couldn't get hold of him







), he was asking about some things of Dads that he wanted. Talk about vultures circling.....

Yeah, I'm sure it has been hard on him................









Dh says he's sure my brother is feeling some guilt about not visiting. Well, you know what? GOOD!!! I hope it keeps him awake at nights.

Okay, I'm still pissed, but I feel better for having written all that out!


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## Monarchgrrl (Aug 16, 2007)

grahamsmom,

Wow, I'm so sorry. I bet it is the guilt that would make him say that.

Thank you SO MUCH for all that info. I had no idea about the POA for signing checks and not being on the account. That makes so much sense. I'll make sure to keep it all separate like you said.

My head is swimming with all of this info! It's so much to think about and handle from hundreds of miles away.









So far, this is all I have:

multiple notarized copies of the financial and healthcare POA
I am the executor of their estate/wills


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Here's what I have (as POA & Executor):

*Last Will & Testament*
*POA*
*POA For Health Care Decisions* (regards what they desire to have done in the event of their not being able to make health care decisions)
*Community Property Agreement*

The original of all these are in the safe deposit box. These were all witnessed and notarized and drawn-up by our attorney.

I have copies of all the above in my file cabinet. The various businesses/banks/insurance companies do not need originals, just copies. When the person dies, the original of these documents go to the attorney. So, they need to be in a safe place, but one where you can get them fairly easily and in a timely manner.

All the original insurance papers, deeds, etc are in the safe deposit box, too. I made copies of these to keep at home, as well.

When the time comes, you will need multiple certified copies of the death certificate. I ordered 5 (at $20 each). Most places will simply copy them and hand them back. But, some will keep them. It is easy to get additional copies. The funeral home will help order them for you.

Plan on doing a lot of mailing. Most places will not accept faxed death-related paperwork.

Here, the funeral home contacted Social Security and Medicare regarding Dad's death. But, I did so, as well. Better too many contacting them rather than nobody doing it!

Things may be different in California, best to check with your attorney to make sure all is tied-up legally. It's sure easier to do before, than after.

Plus, make sure you keep excellent records!

I'm happy to help in any way I can!

Leslie


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## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

Ah, grahamsmom98 I am so sorry!







I know exactly what you are going through. I had to do this with both of my grandmothers two years ago this past October. My one sister is much like your brother. I just wrote her off, but she sure was there when it came time for a check!







.


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Quote:

My one sister is much like your brother. I just wrote her off, but she sure was there when it came time for a check!







.
Sorry, mirlee,

Yeah, well that will sure be a surprise to me three siblings. My parents changed their will last year. Prior to the change, their estate was to be split into 4 equal parts between the four kids.

Then, over the last few years, they decided that I was the one doing everything for them and their other 3 kids weren't doing squat. They know that I don't need the money (dh and I are quite well-off), that I do what I do because I love them, not for what it will get me!

But, since the change, each of my siblings will get one set amount and no more. My Mom's neice will get a larger amount than my siblings. The rest of the estate goes to me. It will be large and they will be mad (not the neice, my cousin, she's a sweetie and I'm glad to write her a check!).

They haven't a clue about the changes ot the will. Should make the reading verrrrrrrrrrrrrry interesting!









There will, no doubt, be grumbling. But, they'll take the check and that will be the end of it.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

s. I'm sorry you all are dealing with this. I also have 3 brothers and sisters, and I can just imagine how something like this would tear a family apart.







I hope some of your siblings come to there senses.

DH was an only child, so we didn't go through any of this when is father died. I'm so, so sorry.


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## amis2girls (Mar 2, 2005)

I'll join.







We live in the same town as my MIL. My husband is an only child and works all the time so I do a lot for MIL. FIL died five years ago. I found this thread searching for 'power of attorney' and thought I should post.








grahamsmom


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

welcome amis2girls! My husband is an only child as well. MIL lives with us as FIL died 2 years ago. It's been really difficult







. DH does quite a bit of caring for MIL, but having her around 24/7 has taken a huge toll on our marriage and me.

as for power of attorney, we had two made up after FIL died. We just printed them up and had them noterized with her and dh's signatures.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

I'm here too- well, except I'm actually on a break. FIL is in hospital recovering from having a hip replacement removed due to an MRSA infection. Is it horrible that I'm enjoying the peace and quiet?
NORMALLY there's seven of us around here: me and DH, four kids and my FIL. He had an extension built last year to give him a downstairs bed and bathroom, has several health problems associated with the MRSA and sepsis, arthritis, leg ulcers and on top of this has a bit of a tendency to feel sorry for himself sometimes and to throw his indepedence away. It gets hard going sometimes.








grahamsmom


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Oh, flapjack! enjoy your break! MIL's going to be gone over thanksgiving break-- (her religious group has a 'camp' every thanksgiving... and I"m really going to enjoy the time without her!







!

I'm sorry to hear about all of FIL's health problems... I know what you mean about them just 'giving up'. It makes things difficult for all involved.

I haven't made much progress on getting quotes for a downstairs apartment. The plummetting economy has me terrified. We just aren't in the same position we were a few months ago, yk? On the other hand, the hubster talked to MIL about taking a backseat when it comes to the kitchen and other housework... so far (2 wks?) things have been much better around here.


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Don't EVER feel guilty for wanting and enjoying a break!!! NOBODY can go 24/7 without wanting to scream sometimes!









I mean, I have been dealing with my elderly parents for 5 years now. First, with Mom having one stroke and them separating because of it (she had to move out of their house and Dad refused to move with her). It wasn't nasty or anything, just weird. Then, Mom had a second, more severe stroke that hit her memory big time.

I had to drive 90 miles and take her to the hospital. SHe was there for a week. Then, she was moved to a rehabilitation facility for a month. Ds and I moved into her apartment so that we could drive to see her twice a day (the rehabilitation clinic was 15 miles away, so x4= 60 miles a day). As it became clear she wouldn't be able to return to her totally independent life, I was told she was a wandering risk and would need a serious facility.

She was released into a dementia unit. It was so sad and I saw Mom going downhill fast, being the only one there that could communicate her needs easily, but giving up because she was losing the desire to care anymore.

After a year+ there, I was able to move her into a wonderful assisted living residence that is just 8 minutes from our front door! I talk to her every day on the phone and we see her, at least, every other day. She can go for independent walks (the staff knows where she goes and keep an eye on her, just in case).

All this time, Dad was getting more and more frail and we felt he wasn't going to see this Christmas (we were right







). I had to take over all the bill-paying and make sure all was as best it could be at his house (90 miles away).

She broke her foot the Nov. 6. Then, Dad died Nov. 7. More arrangements to be made for both. She has been staying with us until she gets the cast off (hopefully, Dec 4) as we fear she'll take a fall at her place and hurt herself more seriously. She doesn't like the walker and forgets about it, as well.

I am awaiting the arrival of the death certificates so that I can handle the insurance claims and all the other paperwork that must be done (I am Mom's POA and the executor of Dad's will). I'll have to write and re-write the details of Dad's death over and over on these papers, a task I am not looking forward to doing. There is Dad's house, as well, that will be empty all Winter and will need to be sold in the Spring-Summer.

My fil had a pacemaker put in in September and we have to dela with his health issues and the fact that he doesn't take care of himself the way he knows he should.

I've been dealing with elderly parents in one way or another for these several years with only the help and support of dh and ds. My two siblings (there are 3, but one is estranged from the family) are a selfish and worthless lot. They have not called me but once since Dad died. They haven't called to check on Mom. They make no mention of visiting. No questions as to what they should get Mom for Christmas. They have conveniently forgotten all that our parents have done for them. Ugh, my Christmas wish for them is a short trip to a very hot place (if you catch my drift







).

So, if I get any breaks, I relish them and feel no guilt at all!!! I was thinking that, for the first time in many years, we don't have to make arrangements to bring my Dad up here for Thanksgiving and then drive him home the next day. Or, that we don't have to worry about his smoking in the house (he got up at 3-4:00 AM and did crossword puzzles and chain-smoked everyday!). I never sleep well when Dad visits because I am waiting to smell those awful fumes and have to go out and ask him not to smoke and then spray toxic air "freshener" all around to mask the smell (it is currently 15 degrees outside, not too energy-effective to just open windows!).

Should I feel guilty that I am relieved that those concerns are a thing of the past?? Most certainly NOT! Do I miss Dad more than I can say? Most certainly YES.

Yesterday, Mom and I "did" her Christmas cards. She couldn't remember several of the people and we had quite a giggle about her signing cards "Love, Joanne" and not having a clue as to who they are!







It was a lovely "normal" afternoon and really refreshed my mind.

So, if you get ANY breaks, enjoy them and savor them. Even if it is just leaving your spouse or partner with the parent long enough for you to walk around the block or kill an hour at Wal-Mart, you need it. Take it. ASK FOR IT!

My







and







to everyone that is involved in doing the very real job of caring for elderly relatives. It isn't easy. It's hard. We doi ti because we love them, even when they do things that make us want to







because we're tired. Or,







when they do somethng for the millionth time and realize it afterwards. Or, have to say







as if they were children. Or, feel like







(in our own minds, of course!). Or,







because we just can't take it one more minute. Or,







: for a little while, just to clear our own heads. Or, resisting the urge to







(or, maybe, giving in to it once in awhile). And, in the end







because we love them so much and know there IS an end to all this and we will miss them so very much when they are gone.


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## niblet (Jan 12, 2002)

This thread is great.

My dad is 84 (another WWII vet). My mom 76. She has had skin cancer surgery, a lung resection, and acute necrotizing pancreatitis from 2003-2006. She's "OK" now, if Ok means some memory loss, limited mobility and still nails down a pack a day. Inside the house.

Dad was the healthier one, but he took a tumble on the street this summer. While people came to his aid, and his injuries were remarkable minor (dislocated finger, badly cut nose) he was shaken a little bit. He also has glaucoma and it's getting harder for him to see. Luckily we live in a big city and they have lived in the same place for many years - so everyone knows them.

But I can see my responsibilities growing....I have been there for them, but now need to step in a little more. Thanks for merging the 2 threads!


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## Subhuti (Feb 18, 2005)

I'd definately like to join.

I've just begun to do some formal "care" for my mom who is still independent but needed help with her paperwork, visit her in the hospital, get health aides set up...

It's hard, I've got two young kids... two and four, and i sometimes feel I don't have time for it all.

like now... i've got two crying kids right next to me and would really like to post more...

Anyway,

will talk more later
thanks

Liz


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Please read my post over in Health & Healing. It deals with hypothermia warning signs. As my Dad died of hypothermia, I am passing this information to everyone.

It is really important, especially for those of us that are caregivers or keeping closer tabs on our elderly parents or other relatives!

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...9#post12774539


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## Subhuti (Feb 18, 2005)

thank you so much for the link.........

I read your dad's story, I am sorry ... that must have been hard on you. I guess losing people is always hard. But it is also hard when someone suddenly goes. That's how my dad went.

anyway, thanks again for the awesome link


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## Shahbazin (Aug 3, 2006)

Wow, this is a thread I've been looking for (& didn't know it existed).

We moved in with DH's parents a little over a year ago, when we lost our home in a natural disaster (wildfire). DH had been going over most weekends (they lived 50 min drive from where we were) & doing a lot of cooking, cleaning, repairs, yardwork, etc, & his folks were just barely managing, but probably were needing more help even then - shortly after we moved here, his mom got a lot worse (she's 83, FIL is 80) - her Alzheimer's really kicked in, she can barely walk, & she's pretty much incontinent - plus FIL had a small stroke & was disabled to begin with - uses a walker, mostly. One of DH's sisters is out of state, but the other lives a couple of blocks away; has 4 adult kids; hardly ever visits, does very little in the way of help (has driven FIL to a few Dr's appts)







:

I've got 2 toddlers (2 1/2 years, & 16 months), & am basically just taking care of them & the in-laws. We're all together in a 1200 sq ft 1950's house - cheap rent, but we did pay to renovate both bathrooms (one literally had an open hole rotted through the floor, both were in bad shape), & we hired a care lady to come in 2x/week to give MIL showers & do some light cleaning in their bathroom & bedroom.

Even if the financial climate was better right now, what would the IL's do if we moved out?


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Can i join

MY Parents live 5 minutes away from us and they are both 78 years old.
My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer 8 weeks ago ..... he is still at home and on Morphine but he is terribly ill!!

My Mother - I think may have the beginning stages of Alzheimers.

My dad has just finished several weeks of daily radiation. We have had to do the driving and its 1.5 hours round trip plus the treatments. we are all exhausted

I know this is his last christmas with us -- and I dont think he is even going to join us on Christmas day as he is just too ill.

I just feel overwhelmed tonight and need a hug


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## Turkish Kate (Sep 2, 2006)

Subbing and lurking. MIL, 85 with dementia, is living with us and making life difficult.


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## Monarchgrrl (Aug 16, 2007)

My grandmother died yesterday.









We still have my grandfather to take care of though. This week is going to suck.









RIP Grandma


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma, Monarchgrrl. How are you feeling about everything?


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

I'm new here, but I've read through the posts.

My mom has Alzheimer's and my dad is her caretaker (though I use that term lightly as he does not care for her adequately.) My parents moved across the country to live near us one year ago. I'm trying hard to work with my dad and get the two of them into an assisted living facility. My mom desperately needs more care and mental stimulation as her disease is progressing rapidly.

I'm a SAHM to two kids and a third one on the way. If my kids were much older I'd take my mom in to live with me, but at this point I think I'd have a nervous breakdown if I did that. I do try to help as much as I can with taking my mom out or home with us once a week so my dad can have time alone. I've also set up Meals on Wheels (which my dad canceled after a week) and researched day care options for my mom, in home help with her care and with cleaning, but my dad refuses all of it. Thankfully he finally seems to see the need for moving into an assisted living facility.

Last week I reported my dad to Adult Protective Services for neglecting (not providing enough food) and verbally abusing my mom. I'm concerned it will turn into physical abuse when she becomes incontinent.

Life is tough right now.


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## Monarchgrrl (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riversong* 
I'm sorry to hear about your grandma, Monarchgrrl. How are you feeling about everything?

Thank you!

I have lots of feelings right now. They're mixed. She was in a lot of pain from cancer and really wanted to die. But it's hard to just be relieved for her. Part of me is relieved. The last time I saw her was a month ago, when we had to put her in a nursing home. She was crying before we left about the pain and her, me and my mom had a real special (but heart-wrenching) moment. She was like a little girl and my mom had to be the mother and really feel her pain for her. I was crying because it was so hard to see her like that.

She was so happy to see me then though! I miss her.

I'm stressed because of all the arrangements to be done.

I'm so sad because I lost my brother in Iraq and my grandma in 9 months time. I can't imagine how my mom feels, losing her son and mother within 9 months!


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Peppermint Leaf, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with right now. Take it one day at a time and make sure you say what you want to say to him. Even if you think he might not be aware of you, say those things that you want him to know. Let him know that you will make sure Mom is okay and that he doesn't need ot worry about her. Keep posting here, that's what this thread is about: support, venting, crying and sharing information.

Monarchgrrl, my condolences on your loss. Of course you have mixed feelings! I felt weird about being relieved that for the first time in 13 years I didn't have to arrange for my Dad to be here for the holidays and missing sleep because I am waiting to smell cigarette smoke from his smoking in the house (we don't allow that!). I miss the smoker, but I don't miss the smoking!

I understand the stress about arrangements. What do you need to know, maybe I can help? I know there is so much to handle. But, know this, many of the things CAN wait. Don't feel pressured into anything. Talk to us.

riversong, another I am sorry for your situation. Good for you on reporting your Dad. I know how difficult that must be for you. But, you have to be realistic and know that you are being an advocate for your Mom's health and safety.

We all are doing a hard job and it takes its toll on us and our families. We are the ones doing "payback" for the times they cared for us. Sometimes, as in my instance, we do it solo, with no help or support from siblings (I have 3 and they are completely absent). I have not heard from any of them since I called them on Nov. 13th, to tell them that our Dad was buried that day. No calls to ask how Mom is doing, nothing.







: Thank goodness I have such great support in my dh and ds. I'd be lost without those two!

Let's keep the wonderful words going here and helping each other however we can.


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

PSA: ASSISTED LIVING INFORMATION ALERT!!

I was on the phone today talking to the insurance company (USAA) regarding my Dad's estate. I had to cancel his auto insurance and the gal & I were talking about where my Mom lives (in a lovely assisted living residence just a few minutes away from us).

The gal asked if Mom had renter's insurance for assisted living? I asked what she meant.

She explained that the employees of the residence are covered (insurance-wise) from injury caused by a resident (accidently or on purpose) through their employer or L&I.

However if, for example, my Mom accidently bumped another resident and that resident fell and was injured, the resident or their family could sue Mom (and us, by association) for whatever they want!!

This special renters insurance would cover Mom for up to $300,000 for just $50 per year (more is available). And, as my Mom has a separate umbrella policy with this company (USAA), as well, she is covered for a cool $1 million, in addition.

So, if you have a loved one in an assisted living facility, call their/your insurance company and ask about this type of coverage. With the difficulties of balance, mental problems that go with dementia/Alz, and the concerns that could come with injuring someone else in a residence/facility, it could be a very important investment for the entire family and it isn't very expensive. Even something as simple as a UTI can cause dementia-like results and behavioral problems (such as agression) in the elderly!

Just wanted you all to know about this. I didn't, and wish someone had told me about this a long time ago!


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

This is good to know, grahamsmom98. I'll be sure to ask the assisted living facility about it before my parents decide to move in. Also, thanks for the information about hypothermia.

Dh and I are worried that if something were to happen to my dad in their apartment, my mom wouldn't be able to find help. I hope she would go to a neighbor's door, but I don't think she can handle calling anyone.


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## azzeps (Sep 7, 2007)

Hi all,

Thanks for starting this thread. Wow, everyone is dealing with some very difficult situations. My condolences to those of you who have lost loved ones recently.

I'd like to join. I'm a caregiver 2-3 days per week for my elderly grandparents (grandma, age 90, omi, age 86 and opa, age 86). They all live with my parents. None of them drive anymore. Of the three, grandma is probably the most independent and does whatever she can to stay that way. She mostly needs rides to appointments, doctor visits, shopping, etc.

Omi and Opa are much worse off. Actually, Omi really should be in some kind of care facility but they have no money and the places that would take them, my Mom didn't want to put them, especially with Grandma getting to stay with my parents. O & O would never understand why they had to live somewhere else when Grandma could stay, even if it was because they needed more care. So the solution has been that my DD (9 mos) and I are daytime caregivers, and my Mom does all the rest. She's looking to hire one more caregiver for the rest of the week as she does work at my Dad's office doing the bookkeeping.

In January I will be helping my Mom get licensed as an Adult Foster Care Home, so that Omi and Opa can receive Medicare payments. Their only income currently is Social Security, which gets eaten up by insurance payments, medicine, etc. and they have no savings anymore. The Medicare payments would just be to pay caregivers for daytime help. Has anyone done something like this?

Well, I hope you all are doing okay with the holidays coming. I know it can cause a lot of stress within the family, just with all the pressure to get things done. I'll try to pop in here at least once a week, more if I can!

Take care!
Jen


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

We have some requests


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## Monarchgrrl (Aug 16, 2007)

Thanks! I almost forgot about this thread!

Here are some updates from me:

My grandma's memorial and funeral was beautiful. She would have approved for sure.

My grandpa is struggling with remembering things lately. I think he's happy to have control over his money again! I keep watch online to make sure he's paying his bills and not bouncing checks, though. He's doing a good job.

He mailed me all of his tax stuff for me to do them for him.







We'll see how that goes...I'm an Accountant but NOT a CPA. But if I need help, he'll pay for it.

He is making plans for the future, which is great. He's thinking about traveling.









How is everyone else doing?


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## mom2ponygirl (Jun 6, 2006)

Hi, I am so glad to find this thread! Of course, now that I find it I am too tired to post. I'll try to get back in a few days. We're dealing with my mom, 78 who had a double knee replacement a few days ago. She has many issues with mild dementia, stroke, anger and verbally abusive behavior, and not so rational behavior. My dad is 82 and getting completely stressed out. My siblings and I are trying to work out how to help. My sister is coming into town tomorrow and we're going to be talking with dad and her doctor. I'd love to be able to have a place to bounce some ideas around.
Thanks!


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Thanks for updating this thread!

It's been a long one for us. The heavy snowload (Spokane, Washington) on my Dad's roof caused its collapse sometime in early January. So, we've been dealing with the contractor and insurance company (both, by the way, have been really great to work with







). The repair work is 100% covered by the insurance, so that is not a worry.

The contractor has been coming out every other day to put snow-melt on the roof to help break-up the huge ice dam up there. But, it will sitll be awhile longer before they can really begin repair work (stability issues). Until then, the roof has been shored-up to prevent further collapse.

The deck on the house is at a bit of an angle, so that will probably need replacing, as well.

We can't go into the house until we know exactly how bad things are. Plus, there is still a 3' high berm of solid ice blocking the driveway (from the street plowing), so no-go on putting in a dumpster to begin the tossing of the house contents.

We are going to throw everything in the house away. Too much cigarette smoke contamination to deal with. We live over an hour away and I am not up to a garage/yard sale in the Spring (too much to clean). I don't want to do it, so it is easier to toss the contents of the house away.

I removed anything of sentimental value already. In fact, while cleaning a bunch of Mom's jewelry and picture frames and some glassware, I ended up with nicotine poisoning from the contaminated cleaning water (I didn't wear gloves). We'll all be wearing gloves as we toss things in the dumpster!

The next BIG job will be renovating and upgrading the house to put it on the market in the late Spring. I plan to make it as enjoyable a job as I possibly can! With its location in the city and the improvements, I think it will sell fairly quickly, even given the current economy.

My Mom is doing better. The cast came off just before Christmas and she showed such improvement from her first two weeks of PT (three times a week), that they told her she didn't need the full 6 weeks of PT. Yea!!! She is walking without any limp or use of her walker. She started her daily walks, again, as well.

She has begun to have some bladder incontinence problems, so I have had to increase the nights I go over to give her a bath (she refuses to allow any of the aides to assist her into the tub). Now, I am over there 5 nights a week (more if she has had an accident). Its difficult but I don't want her to end up with a bladder infection. Dh and ds are wonderfully supportive of my increased time away from them.

No word from my worthless siblings since Dad's burial. They haven't called once. Well, that's not true, my sister called and left a message on Mom's answering machine sometime in January (we were at PT). But, they haven't called here to ask me how Mom is doing, not even to wish Mom a Merry Christmas (they knew she would be with us).









On the other hand, local friends always ask how she is and they visit her, as well (I never asked them to, they are simply kind and thoughtful people).

I received the autopsy report on my Dad. I wish I hadn't read it. I guess I was naive, I didn't realize it would be so detailed. Take my advice, if you have the opportunity to read one about your parents, DON'T. It is heartbreaking.

All the things regarding Dad's estate and life insurance benefits (for Mom) are completed. I will be taking their taxes to H&R Block, as I did last year, it sure made things easy and wasn't expensive.

We have begun the design of my parent's headstone. Since they will be in the same plot (Dad was buried, Mom wants to be cremated), we will have one stone. It is going to be a beautiful Air Force-blue granite (quarried in Norway, I think). We'll have both their pictures on it with a B-24 (the plane he flew during WWII and held a special place in his heart) on Dad's half and Egyptian hieroglyphics on Mom's half (she loves anything to do with Egypt). It will be really cool with traces of their humor on it. It will be placed sometime around Memorial Dad (when the snow should finally, be gone!).

I hope everyone else is doing okay. Let's keep this thread rolling!


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

We're here. FIL is out of hospital, and his daily medications have been changed so he's on a lot less painkillers than previously- I'm hoping that with the infections gone he's going to remain pain-free, but rheumatoid arthritis is a bugger. He's bright and cheerful and glad to be home, so that's something


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

Hi!

I haven't read all the replies yet, will do that when I have more time!

I am not caring for my mom yet, but will need to bring her back down this way soon. Probably this year.

She is 73, still working part-time, doing kind of okay, but really she needs to be closer to where we live.

It's a long story, but I'll save it for another day. She can be a bit difficult.









Thanks for the link!


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

In another forum, a poster mentioned not liking the current name of this thread/tribe (Parenting Our Parents).

I understand, especially if your are caring for grandparents or relatives other than parents!

So, let's brainstorm and come up with something that fits everyone, okay?

Some "tribe Title" ideas:

ElderCare Providers
Life With Seniors
Multi-Generation Caregivers
Caring For Elderly Relatives
Aiding the Aged
The Wrinkle Room: A refuge for caregivers

Here's some more:

Minding Our Elders: Caregiver Support
The ElderCare Cafe
Juniors To Seniors: Caregivers In the Middle
The Transitions Tribe: Caring for the Young and the Elderly


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## Monarchgrrl (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grahamsmom98* 
In another forum, a poster mentioned not liking the current name of this thread/tribe (Parenting Our Parents).

I understand, especially if your are caring for grandparents or relatives other than parents!

So, let's brainstorm and come up with something that fits everyone, okay?

Some "tribe Title" ideas:

ElderCare Providers
Life With Seniors
Multi-Generation Caregivers
Caring For Elderly Relatives
Aiding the Aged
The Wrinkle Room: A refuge for caregivers


I LOVE The Wrinkle Room: A refuge for caregivers. My 2nd vote would be Caring for Elderly Relatives, it's to the point. But we definitely could use a little laugh every time we come to this thread, I think.


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## Turkish Kate (Sep 2, 2006)

I didn't realize that anyone had an issue with the title, although I'll admit that I haven't had time to keep up. For me, "Parenting our Parents" is an apt title, as MIL is 85, has chronic diabetes, related dementia, and is more like a third child for us than anything else. She is exactly like a 180-pound-toddler, complete with the tantrums, food issues, and toileting concerns.


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Okay, here are some ideas for possible name changes for this thread/tribe. Let me know if any of these appeal to you or if you want to just keep it the same (Parenting Our Parents).

I think the concern about the POP title is more along the lines of what defines "parenting": raising children, and though some elderly parents may need the same care that children require, they are still our parents (or, other older relatives







).

This is YOUR forum, a place for the caregivers of older relatives. You can share your triumphs & tragedies, laughter & tears and rants & raves. You can discuss problems, ask advice, share ideas, offer suggestions, point-out resources, give recommendations (or, warn about the same!).

This is the place to talk about how caring for an older relative affects your life, and how you affect their lives. How do you do it all, and what happens if you can't! Are you relatives happy with things? Are you? Is your family? Do you see this as an opportunity, a blessing or a sentence?

We all need somewhere to tell how we really feel about things and not be judged!

There are several message boards on the internet for caregivers, but I haven't found any that really connect to the whole "attachment" ethic that goes with Mothering. I hope this MDC outlet will fulfill that need for those of us here that need it!

So, in light of that, let's hear what everyone thinks if tribe titles!! If you have any others, feel free to pm me and I'll update the list (in a new post so you don't have to keep coming back to this one!).

Here are some "tribal" titles suggestions thus far:

ElderCare Providers

Life With Seniors

Multi-Generation Caregivers

Caring For Elderly Relatives

Aiding the Aged

The Wrinkle Room: A refuge for caregivers

Minding Our Elders: Caregiver Support

The ElderCare Cafe

Juniors To Seniors: Caregivers In the Middle

The Transitions Tribe: Caring for the Young and the Elderly


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Bump......


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

I keep meaning to come read and reply. I've read some of the posts.

We aren't fully into caring for our parents yet, but it is coming.

MIL has dementia. FIL is taking care of her. She is just now starting to deteriorate a lot. They live 2 hours away.

My mom moved down here several years ago, then moved back up north about 5 hours away, then we ( my brother and I ) were talking about moving her back down here, but now she is talking about moving to government housing in another neighboring state that has good benefits. It's really kind of complicated and on a public board I won't go into it.

Our dad is in pretty good shape except for his shoulders. He has remarried and he and our step-mom are doing well. They live half the year about 6 hours away and half the year in Florida.

We will be responsible for my husband's sister when FIL and MIL are gone, but they don't want her moved from where she is in a nursing home that she has been in for many years. K doesn't do well with change they say.

My children are older, so that will help. I am hoping we don't get into the thick of all this until ds#2 has graduated from highschool.

The situation with our mom is complicated...

I'll get this thread read eventually.


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## sky_and_lavender (Jul 31, 2007)

Hi everyone,

My situation is not exactly like other people here. In reading your posts, I really admire your patience and dedication. I hope I will be so good now that my time has come.

My parents are still pretty young (60) but they both suffer from severe chronic illnesses (physical and mental), are unemployed and basically destitute now. So soon they will likely be coming to live with us. I am pregnant with my first child, and very worried about having my parents around my child. We have a lot to figure out financially (how to handle this and support them without ruining ourselves) and logistically (how to get rid of their stuff which they will soon be unable to house.)

*I'm having a really hard time dealing with this emotionally and wonder if any of you know of any resources--books, anything--to help me adjust to this new situation.* I'm 31 and realize we will probably be taking care of them for the rest of their lives. I love them but I'm completely overwhelmed by their dysfunctions and needs. I'm just not sure how my husband and I will cope. (Luckily I have a very supportive and level-headed, family-oriented husband.)

Thanks everyone, and take good care of yourselves.


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## Turkish Kate (Sep 2, 2006)

I need some advice from anyone familiar with incontinence products. MIL is completely incontinent of urine, and while we can manage fairly well during the day, nighttime is a huge challenge. She wears pull-up-type "undergarments" but they are simply not absorbent enough at night. Even when DH wakes her at 1 or 2 am to change, she is dry, but then apparently wets just before waking in the morning, soaking her nightclothes, bedding, and whatever else is in the vicinity, to the point of urine pooling on the floor. We've tried different brands, wearing a larger one over top of the regular size one she wears, have chux pads on the bed (that get soaked through), and now we are at a total loss for what to do. Any suggestions?


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Bump.....


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Quote:

Turkish Kate wrote: I need some advice from anyone familiar with incontinence products. MIL is completely incontinent of urine, and while we can manage fairly well during the day, nighttime is a huge challenge. She wears pull-up-type "undergarments" but they are simply not absorbent enough at night. Even when DH wakes her at 1 or 2 am to change, she is dry, but then apparently wets just before waking in the morning, soaking her nightclothes, bedding, and whatever else is in the vicinity, to the point of urine pooling on the floor. We've tried different brands, wearing a larger one over top of the regular size one she wears, have chux pads on the bed (that get soaked through), and now we are at a total loss for what to do. Any suggestions?
Hi, Kate! Welcome to our tribal thread!

Sorry I didn't reply earlier. I have been dealing with similar issues with my Mom. I found the products available at the website for Elder Store to be wonderful!

Here is the link to their webpage dealing with Furniture and Bedding Protectors for Incontinence products:

http://www.elderstore.com/furniture-...nence_187.aspx

For her incontinence problems, I have purchased:

Protective Chair Pad (these fit nicely on the dining room chairs and in the car).

The Soaker Bed Pad with Wings, works great, and is quiet, versus the crib pads we had used previously! I bought three, so one can be changed-out, if needed with a spare as back-up, while the soiled one is in the wash.

I do have a moisture-proof mattress cover on the bed she uses both here at our house, as well as her bed at her assisted living apartment. But, the Soaker Bed Pad is easy to change (I keep it on top of the sheet, Mom doesn't move around much in her sleep) so it is pretty easy to change, if we need to, without having to change the sheets, as well.

Soft Quilt Seat Protectors for Incontinence (which come in blue, mocha, cabernet and spruce; I bought the mocha and cabernet). I bought several of these, as well. I put one on her La-Z-Boy recliner in her apartment so that the chair remains clean if she has an accident (sometimes, she is unaware it has happened).

All of these wash and dry like a breeze, no problems with staining or odor retention (I do use Heavy Duty Febreeze in the washer when I clean them, just to make sure they remain fresh).

Elder Store also sells panties and pads for incontinence users, as well. I am going to buy Mom some of the panties, I just need to get her waist measured first!! She currently uses folded-up Kleenex as a "pad" in her underwear. I bought her some regular pads, but she forgets about them (she also forgets she has a problem). The Kleenex, obviousy, hasn't any absorbing qualities, so these undies will be, I hope, a nice back-up for her, as I know she will continue to use the tissues.

Everything I have ordered from ElderStore has been great and they are very nice, if you call them. I give them a BIG







recommendation!








For under her bed, what about getting one of those plastic floor covers that you use on top of carpeting under desks (so that the chair will roll easily). I know they come in different shapes and sizes. With one of those and a rubber-backed floor rug (like you would use in a bathroom), she couldn't slip, the urine wouldn't go through to the flooring and all of it is washable.

Or, install linoleum or vinyl flooring in her room, as another idea.

Anything else we can help with, just ask!! Again, welcome!!


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

I meant to join this tribe earlier and I hate to do it on a bad note, but is it okay to vent on this thread? I really don't know how much more of this I can take.







:


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## SuzyLee (Jan 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Turkish Kate* 
I need some advice from anyone familiar with incontinence products. MIL is completely incontinent of urine, and while we can manage fairly well during the day, nighttime is a huge challenge. She wears pull-up-type "undergarments" but they are simply not absorbent enough at night. Even when DH wakes her at 1 or 2 am to change, she is dry, but then apparently wets just before waking in the morning, soaking her nightclothes, bedding, and whatever else is in the vicinity, to the point of urine pooling on the floor. We've tried different brands, wearing a larger one over top of the regular size one she wears, have chux pads on the bed (that get soaked through), and now we are at a total loss for what to do. Any suggestions?

We do this for my toddler (more for vomit protection than pee but whatever works, right? We have a plastic mattress cover and then we put like 4 flannel sheets on it (2 flat sheets down first then 2 fitted sheets). The flannel absorbs a lot more than regular sheets. You could even have a WAHM diaper sewer make a giant hemp pad to put under the flannel sheet. Or tuck a few layers of towels under where her bum is.

I honestly doubt you are ever going to find a "depends" type underwear that will hold so much, so I would change my tactic to very absorbant bedding that you put in the wash every morning, so that at least you don't have to clean up the floor too!


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## michelleklu (Aug 3, 2008)

Hi, someone finally directed me here after I posted in personal growth. I knew you guys were somewhere here but couldn't find you through the search box. Here's my post from personal growth:

Isn't there a Parenting Our Parents thread somewhere? Maybe I'm just thinking of the Estranged Parents one, hah.

Anyone have parents that need financial help? MIL hasn't held a real job all her life doesn't have any money saved for a house or retirement and probably has a lot of debt. We don't want her to move in with us for several reasons. She also has another son and daughter that wouldn't take her in. Ugh, we sound horrible but my family is going to live in California, she doesn't want to leave Indiana, she smokes so much, and she makes me feel uncomfortable.

ANYWAY, does any one else send money to their parents? My parents send money to my grandma for no reason really since my grandma has a lot of money and they want her to move in with them, but the suggested that we send money to my MIL. So, how do you decide how much? We're still fighting off a $2k credit card and car loan through Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover and I was thinking that we should only send money when we are debt free. She's already living in her own apartment for no real reason when she could be staying in the halfway home she volunteers to run like she has for many years before. Ugh, I don't know it is just frustrating that I have to pay for the decisions SHE made. I'm a stay at home mom and my husband is in the military so its not like we have money to throw around. Suggestions?

I don't know where this thread belongs I just posted it here because she's toxic and manipulative. Please move the thread to the correct place.

ETA: Should we ask my husband's other siblings to chip in some money? MIL's daughter lives like 40 minutes away from her and won't let her live there because she basically resents her. =/

I won't offer her the money if she won't stop spending it on cigarettes but how am I going to know if she quit or not? Even if I sent her gift certificates to grocery stores or sent some money to the landlord, she could use her extra money on smoking.


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## ghostlykisses (Sep 27, 2007)

Has this tribe died?

I take care of my husband's grandmother and I could use some support! It is really hard sometimes to care for an adult!


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