# Were we wrong to tell MIL we don't want moving talking bottle-fed white doll for DD?



## blake201 (May 20, 2010)

My MIL bought a blond plastic bottle-fed battery-operated moving, noise-making "Baby Alive" (http://www.hasbro.com/babyalive/en_US/discover/news/Baby-Alive-Segments.cfm) doll for our six-month-old daughter for Christmas, and left an excited voice-mail telling us about it.

My husband tried to gently explain we didn't feel the doll was appropriate... and she was CRUSHED. She kept insisting that she wanted to see Z react to it, and asked if we could hold onto it until the baby was old enough, but my hubby tried to gently persuade her to return it and get something more appropriate in age and style.

So did we screw up here or do the right thing? At first I thought "it was hard, but we did the right thing", but now I feel like "we needlessly hurt MIL's feelings and handled this poorly."

Here's some more background and complicated factors:

Regarding the doll:


The doll is definitely NOT age appropriate for her... It's battery operated and designed for ages 3+ (small chokeable parts).
It's NOT in line with our belief system. Although I'd prefer she play with organic cloth dolls, I'm fine with more realistic baby dolls, as long as they're not electronic. But this is one of those electronic talking moving dolls you feed with a bottle or packets of food and it poops or whatnot. I don't like the idea that babies are fed with bottles, either (DD gets bottled breastmilk while I'm at work, but I wish she never needed them at all).
The doll is blond/Caucasian. Our daughter is black (biracial), and while we're fine with her having a diverse group of dolls, we'd prefer she mostly have black or Hispanic dolls that look more like her. (And this isn't the case of the clueless white grandmother--MIL is black.)
We live in a small apartment with no storage space for "holding onto" things. As soon as Z outgrows something (diapers, whatever), we sell it or give it to my brother for his baby-to-be.
I'd hate to pretend to love a toy and then have to pull it out and pretend Z plays with it regularly, since that would encourage MIL to buy more of these kinds of toys we don't agree with.

Why this is more complicated:


My (white) mother ALSO got her a baby doll for Christmas which we haven't rejected--it's a Corolle Mon Premier Calin doll (African-American) and it's for 18 months+. Although it's a little old for her, it's much more in line with our beliefs... but this makes it look like we have a double standard.
My daughter is the joy of MIL's life--MIL is a devoted and loving grandmother and a loving, kind understanding amazing sweet person. Zora is her first and only grandchild and she doesn't get to see her very often because she lives in another state. (Whereas MY mother takes care of Zora EVERY day while I'm at work). 
MIL has been going through a hard time with work and other things lately, and is especially sensitive and emotional. We're very close to her and she really needs us to be on her side.

After the fact I asked my mother and she was horrified by our actions. She told me that when my brother and I were little, her own MIL always bought age-inappropriate cheap plastic crap toys for us at bargain basement centers... and she accepted them gracefully, never let us play with them, and only pulled them out when MIL was visiting. She said kindness was more important than ideology in these cases and that we should call MIL, apologize and accept the doll.

My husband and I are first-time parents, and it can be so hard to balance between our own values and being sensitive to our families. What have you done/would you do in these situations? Thanks in advance!


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Wow, that's really tough. I can see a lot of angles going on.

For the inappropriate part: Frankly, that doll was kind of freaky/weird/unnatural imo. If you want a walking, talking, interactive doll, a robot would be more in line. Really, we have a robot: it is really cool, you can program it to go in different directions, dance... but we don't pretend it is a doll, kwim? My DD is 4 and loves dolls, but they are the much more open-ended type where my DD decides how she wants to play with it, instead of the "doll" determining how my DD will interact with her.

For your MIL being a great grandma and going through a rough spot: Maybe you could call and apologize if you hurt her feelings. Tell her you love her, your DD loves her, and how kind and sweet she is. Also explain more clearly why you think this doll is so inappropriate an offer an alternative - explain that this is more a robot toy than a doll, that you would be happy to have some white dolls, but you would also prefer some black or hispanic dolls. Maybe she could consider a different doll? Make it about the doll - not her - because that is what the issue really is about. She sounds like a very understanding person, so I guess she will understand that you are people too, and capable of making mistakes with the best of them! Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

On the bright side, the white grandma bought a black doll and the black grandma bought a white doll....sounds like both grandmas are trying to appreciate the other side's race. I think if she is getting 1 black doll, then 1 white doll is fine. She will simply have one of each.

You know, when I was in college, I was dating this guy who was half black and half white. In a convo with friends one time, it was commented that our children could look anything from blond haired blue eyed, to dark with the dark hair he had. (his mother was very fair with blue eyes, I had blond hair and brown eyes but my hair has turned dark when I started having children, his dad was very dark, my dad was very dark). Now I know of some biracial couples where the children come out looking all different races, even though they are 100% biological. Did you read about that family where the parents were both biracial and they had 2 sets of twins, one which was white and one which was black...both times!

I think it is fine. I think if you completely avoid all white dolls for a biracial child, or all dolls of any race, regardless of which race you are avoiding, you may (not purposefully though of course) teach her shame regarding an entire portion of her heritage and self. Since she is getting 2 dolls for Christmas anyway, I would be fine with it. I would just say they are are biracial twins. I think it is all nice.

I would, though, not want something battery operated. But, if it were a gift from my own grandma, I would just smile and say thank you. Can she exchange it for a different doll without hurting her feelings? I would seriously consider if this is worth making an issue of, or if maybe you can convince Grandma to exchange it for a doll that does not use batteries. But I would not pick at the race thing. You wouldn't want to teach your child to reject a certain race, so I would let that part go.


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## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

I would tend to side with your mom that the thing to do at the time would have been just to say thank you and keep the doll out of sight, but don't beat yourself up over it too much. You did say you were kind about letting her know that the doll wasn't appropriate. I think it's very sweet of you to worry about your MILs feelings and to see the possible conflict with accepting your mom's present.

Your MIL's gift seems to have come from a place of love, not a veiled attempt to undermine your parenting. I think at this point, going back and bringing up the subject again might make things worse so perhaps it's best just to let it go now and keep your mom's words in mind for the next time MIL gives a gift you don't 100% agree with. What does your husband think?

If you did revisit the doll issue, I think it's perfectly valid to point out that a 6 month old is going to have very little interest, if any, in this type of doll and that you don't have room to store toys for future use.

FWIW, as your child gets older, you may find that she herself isn't always in line with your belief system! I tried very hard to raise my kids in a gender-neutral, wood and cloth, nothing pink or plastic toy environment and at one point or another every one of them wanted something I didn't want them to have!

Rather than make a list of all the things you will not allow, why not evaluate things on a case by case basis?


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I TOTALLY understand your concerns. And I truly believe in following age recommendations. In this case though, given the background, I think accepting it would have been the best thing to do. Your dd is young enough that making it disappear would not be problematic.

I think you should call your MIL and talk to her -- tell her the awesome things about her that you told us here.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

I don't know, I don't see any problem with how you guys handled it. If she had already given her the doll it would be different but she was telling you ahead of time so I think gently explaining that you felt it inappropriate makes sense. I think you could also offer to have her keep the doll at her house for when your DD visits, or give her the link to a couple of dolls you DO approve of so she can still get her a doll.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I would have accepted the doll, along how your mom said. I accept presents that aren't what I would have chosen all the time.

I think since this has come up, I would call her (or have your dh call her) and apologize for hurting her feelings, tell her how much you appreciate her wanting to give such a nice present to your dd, and then tell her that you were hoping to get dolls that look more like your dd, that are for at least close to her age group, and that aren't mechanical at this point. That doll would not be useful to her at this age. You could say you could hold onto it until she's older if you want, but it'll be a while until she grows into it. I will tell you every 6-year-old girl in the world wants that doll, and my dd who was EBF and never had a bottle wanted it, and specifically wanted to give that doll a bottle. But that's years from now as far as your dd goes. Just to warn you though that even kids who were BF like to give dolls bottles, and seem to have a thing for that awful baby alive doll (and I do agree that it's awful.)


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Your mother is right.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

To me, it probably wouldn't have been worth hurting mom's feelings. You daughter is still young enough that you can train your mother in law slowly. It doesn't need to be a crash course.

I think that doll is adorable. I love it. But, I hate that it's electronic and has better speech than most 3 yr olds. (really, if she can speak that clearly, she can get her own juice) She's very polite though... I heard her say "please".

If that same exact doll was not electric and not constantly asking for things, I'd buy her too. My best memories of dolls are talking pull string dolls. I loved my dolls. I had dolls of every color and ethnic background. I wouldn't deny my mother buying a toy based on the color of it's skin. I had dolls that cried real tears when I fed it a bottle. I had dolls that peed when I fed them a bottle. (those were my favorite) I had a mrs Beasly doll. (a soft white woman doll with blonde hair and blue eyes) I still own some of those dolls because I loved them so much. I had a black Drowsy doll that talked when you pulled her string. All those dolls were loved by ME. Maybe my mom didn't want them, but she gave me what I wanted. (of course at six months old, she controlled what I had)


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## dakotablue (Jun 21, 2009)

So far we have just accepted presents then returned them to target or walmart (without receipts). AND hinted heavily what type of toys we think are appropriate for DS. I think MIL would be really hurt if we flat out told her that her choices in toys are not going to happen in our home, but I will admit this Christmas I may leave some of the crap (if she hasn't gotten the hints yet) at her house...BUT if I had a good relationship with MIL I might tell her, but probably would have left that gift alone and hinted/ talked in length about future presents.

Oh and my hinting is usually "I hate stuff with batteries." "Aren't we so lucky DS like natural toys better than plastic junk?" "I'm so glad DS would rather play with toys he can manipulate then those horrible do everything for you toys." "Ds is so smart! He just loves books." So not digging for presents just commenting on parenting and things DS wants likes...

Oh and Dh did call MIL and tell her about a sale on Melissa and Doug at Toys R US (MIL wouldn't understand there are any toys other than Toys r us toys) So I'm hopeful!

ETA: we are white, but Dh and I have talked at length about how we will have a rainbow of dolls, I think excluding white dolls would be the same as if we said no AA dolls as they are opposite....So far DS isn't that interested in dolls, but he tends to like the Hispanic/ medium skin tone looking dolls the best (and Ironically his favorite outside Dh male is our friend from Chile who is darker than white, but not dark dark.)


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## blake201 (May 20, 2010)

Thanks everyone for the great replies so far!

I just want to clarify that we do want a rainbow of dolls, and are definitely not excluding non-black dolls (after all, I'm white and we also have family members who are Asian and Hispanic). She just already has one white doll that she's pretty attached to, a Lamaze mermaid doll that her step-grandmother (FIL's wife) gave her: http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=537022 ... and we want to make sure she doesn't end up with mostly white dolls, if that makes sense. I don't want her to somehow get the message that white dolls are prettier or better.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I agree with your mom. Your poor MIL picked out a heartfelt gift for her first and only grandchild's first Christmas. I doubt she walked into the store and chucked the first thing in the cart that she found. She probably took a lot of time to think about it. And truth be told, your daughter is half black half white, and maybe your MIL wanted to honor her other heritage too--maybe she was trying to honor YOUR side of the family, the same way your mother was honoring your husband's side of the family with choosing a black doll. (FWIW, one of my dolls is Vietnamese, and we don't even blink twice when someone gives her a white doll. She loves the white dolls just as much as she likes her Asian dolls. She doesn't seem to think one is any better or worse.) Or maybe there were only white dolls at the store where your MIL was shopping?

If it were me, I would call up your MIL and profusely apologize for your poor manners. I get where you're coming from, but the proper way to accept a gift is to be thankful for it and show appreciation to the gift giver. Especially if that gift giver is so head over heals in love with the person she gave the gift to, like you described her as. And I'm really afraid that if you don't apologize and make this right, your MILs memories of her first grandchild's Christmas will be horribly tainted. Is the "wrong" gift really worth that?


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *choli*
> 
> Your mother is right.


Agreed.

A gift is a gift. I think you should have let your MIL give the doll and see your DD's reaction as she had planned to do. Your baby is only 6 mos., right? Even if you aren't okay with her playing with the doll long-term, she could have enjoyed it for your Christmas celebration, and then she would forget about it once it was out of sight.

There will likely be a lot of times where these types of situations arrise. The polite thing to do, IMO, is accept the gift and decide later on what you want to do with it. I happen to let my children do what they wish, since the gifts are given to them, but they aren't infants, so I obviously understand making the decision yourself at this point. I just wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings in the process.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

I detest those Baby Alive dolls in all races because they just freak me out and are odd looking but I kind of agree with your mom because it seems like your MIL was coming from a good place. If she wasn't so emotional right now about other things then maybe she would have reacted differently? Maybe she chose the white doll because she wants you to know that she appreciates the fact that your DD is biracial and needs to have both of her cultures represented?

I would call her up and say sorry for hurting her feelings and all of the wonderful things you've told us about her, you should remind her of as well. I think how you feel is totally fine but I don't thnk it was worth hurting what seems to be a great MIL/doting grandmother over.Take the doll and keep it away until you think it's something you want her to play with. I can understand why MIL is hurt.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I will add that I get your frustration. There are times when my kids get gifts that were the noisy plastic toys non-open-ended toys that do go with the types of toys I'd prefer for the kids. But you know what? My kids LOVE their gifts, and the children's gifts are for them and not me. It doesn't make them love the toys I buy for them any less. It doesn't make the toys I buy them any less educational or Montessori-inspired. It doesn't take away from the toys I get them at all. And it makes the gift giver and the children happy. I get having standards for what you'd prefer...I really do. But there's got to be some type of balance--you have to let other people be involved according to their values too. Otherwise, next year you might be writing the thread that is upset that people don't want to be involved with your children or skipped them for gift giving. Remember, your child's gift is not for you, it's for her. And as much as you might not want the toy, she *might*...and it won't take away from what you are wanting from her at all. The majority of her toys will be the ones you wanted because you will buy her far more than anyone else does. And I've found that the toys that are battery operated or very specific to an age are rotated out pretty quickly when the child loses interest, so it's not even a big issue. So accept the gift gracefully, let your child have her fun when she's of the right age for it, and then donate it when she's done.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Your mother is right to be horrified at your rudeness to a woman you describe as "devoted, loving, kind, understanding, amazing and sweet.". Yes, you needlessly hurt your MIL's feelings and handed this poorly. When it comes to your "values." as long as the gift isn't actively harmful - this isn't hunting Gramps buying a rifle for your little baby, after all, it's a doll - it is incumbent upon you to be gracious to the giver.

On the bright side...live and learn!


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## spedteacher30 (Nov 20, 2005)

I totally get your reaction about the blond/blue eyed doll for your daughter. My son is also mixed race black/white, and we have really surround him at home with as many brown toys/books, etc as we can. We also try hard to find him books with two moms. We figure he sees blond/blue eyed, mom and dad families EVERYWHERE he looks, and our home should be an oasis where he sees kids who look like him and families that look like ours as much as possible.

We also avoid Christmas books but have lots of Jewish books, even though he celebrates Christmas with extended family.

Now that he is older, and is specifically asking for things, we don't say no to Caucasian dolls and toys, but before he could express a preference, we did.

But, i also think it is important to respect the things he gets from his grandmother--even though my MIL's choices have always been terribly inappropriate for our family. Like you, I am white and my partner is black. My mom goes out of her way to find books with black characters, or books with two moms. MIL gives us the most heteronormative books, FILLED with white children. It makes no sense to me, but it is what it is, and we read them a few times and then tuck them out of sight so he won't ask for them again.

I don't think you need to worry about her growing up to be ashamed of her white heritage if you don't have white dolls for her. Society is very affirming of the superiority of white people still.


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## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

I am sorry her feelings were hurt but honestly, I think it was fine for you to express a preference. I totally get the other issues at play. Perhaps you could have made it about age appropriateness, i.e. do you mean for this to be a doll that she plays with now or should we put it in storage. If so, would you mind storing it at your house because we are short on space?. Does she know about your mom's doll?

But as for the race issue, I am pretty sure that was on purpose, to honor your heritage.

Personally, I'd let my mom fall on her sword a bit here. And yeah, my mom would. I'd have your mom causally mention "Oh, I did the exact thing with my doll. I bought something much to old for her."

Followed up by recommendation to exchange dolls for this one: http://www.corolle.com/us/catalogue/fiche_pdt.php5?ref=T4179 The doll your mom picked really isn't age appropriate either. She would be better of with this particular model, which is safe for birth +, is available in the correct skin tone, and is LOVED by my 16m. The doll your mom picked really won't be "understood" by your daughter until much later. And I say all this because my MIL bought the doll your mom brought and I said the same thing, that it wasn't age appropriate and would she mind exchanging it for something that was. I think she was really annoyed, but she found the other one and DS loves it. (I prefer cloth/waldorfy-y types but I will totally admit that it is less annoying than most plastic and DS really does like it.)


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## camracrazy (May 27, 2006)

I have found that it is hard for the older people in my family to get used to the idea that we are raising our children in a different manner than they raised their children. They don't always understand why we make different choices, and I think a lot of times they don't mean to disrespect what we are doing, they just don't see why x is different than z.

Is there a special reason your MIL wanted your dd to have this doll? Funny thing, my 5 yo have been asking for Baby Alive for months. I don't care for the doll, but one day I finally asked her what made her want it. It turned out that she wanted the one that takes medicine because my dd has an illness that is considered terminal and takes a lot of meds. She liked the thought of having a doll that takes meds just like she does. I can see why that would be important to her, so she's getting one for Christmas!

I understand though that this toy isn't really right for the age group your dd is in and isn't something that you would ideally get for her according to your belief system. In the future, could you ask MIL to go Christmas/birthday shopping with you? Perhaps you could point things out as you walk through the store. "Oh, I think dd would love that!" or "This seems really neat... I might have to buy that for her." That way your MIL can visually see the kinds of things you are going for. Because to her, if one doll is "okay" she just might not see the difference in getting a walking, talking, eating doll, and getting a cloth doll.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i agree with your mom.

here are things i would do since the job is already done.

give MIL a list of online places you want toys from.

then go find toystores you support and tell her that's where you would prefer they came from.

and no i would not stick to your principals sooo strongly. i would give a little. i have myself. and i was grateful. because by 2 gma was gone. both dd and gma doted on each other. dd at 8 STILL remembers neighbour gma and remembers a LOT of all the things gma did for her - and they mostly are things i didnt approve of. learnt my lesson then. seeing dd's connection... i was soooooo grateful i let them enjoy each other instead of limiting that contact.


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## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

Your mother sounds like a beautiful and wise woman.

I'm not saying that you have to compromise every ideal to avoid hurting other people's feelings. But one toy from an overexcited new grandmother is not the hill I would choose to die on, if you know what I mean.

My DD was not much older when a dear, dear family friend gave her a battery-operated Tigger that bounced on funny spring legs and sang "The wonderful thing about tiggers" over and over and over. It was not my ideal toy in almost every way. But this family friend had seen it and thought it was funny and had seen her friend's toddler granddaughter watch one and laugh and laugh -- and she thought our child would enjoy it.

And she did. We accepted it, and we watched her reaction and it was hilarious, and it made our friend very happy. And we took it home and it lived, most of the time, on a bookshelf above DD's reach, but we got it down once in awhile to turn it on and let her enjoy it for awhile.

This friend meant no harm and only wanted to make our baby happy. It wasn't hard to accept the gift and honor that impulse while not having all DD's toys be battery operated disney characters. It's really possible to make the two work.


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## maplesugar (May 24, 2005)

I would just graciously accept the doll and put her up untill a more developmental moment. I would be very wary of insulting a gift. It's not like she had to give your dd anything at all!


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Ok, totally OT, but I used to have that same tigger in college. I saved it and when DS was a year old, I brought it out for him to play with. That thing scared him $#!%less. It was so bad, that when he saw a pair of tigger slippers sitting out (also left over from my college days. LOL!) he went into hysterics. Something about that dang singing bouncing tigger just scared the bleep out of my kid.

Now he's 7 and we told him that story and he cracked up laughing. I wish I still had that tigger to give to him as a visual aid. LOL!

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *savithny*
> 
> My DD was not much older when a dear, dear family friend gave her a battery-operated Tigger that bounced on funny spring legs and sang "The wonderful thing about tiggers" over and over and over.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

I think the other posters are right on, the issue of "why did you buy THAT" is something we all have to put up with, and I think that a large portion of the time it's not worth the battle.

For my ds' first birthday my ex's mother bought him a present. It was a toy radio. Ds could have cared less about the thing...he wasn't into battery operated stuff. I thought it had gotten lost a long time ago but recently we came across the thing and as it turns out, dd LOVES it. Go figure.

my own mother who usually is great at picking out educational toys, or good books or whatever, once brough hom this motion activated puppy that would burst out laughing hysterically every time you walked past it. It drove us crazy for weeks and nearly gave me a aheart attack several times when I forgot to turn it off at night and got up to go pee or something.

It's just a grand[parent thing....


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *savithny*
> 
> Your mother sounds like a beautiful and wise woman.


I was thinking the same thing!

OP, you are also a very beautiful and caring person, so even if your mother in law is hurt about that doll, she's not going to hold it against either one of you. I think you might want to apologize for hurting her feelings (and it really is a cute doll) but, you don't need to be sorry for wanting certain toys for your dd. Just that her feelings are hurt. And, you know, she might not actually be HURT as much as disappointed. She may have loved that doll since it came out in the 70s. Perhaps she's been waiting for the opportunity to buy it for someone. I can't wait to have someone to buy the old fashion fisher price toys for. (i have a while to wait... but, I'm looking forward to it)

You are so lucky to have such a wonderful extended family. I wish I'd had that when my daughter was little.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *choli*
> 
> Your mother is right.


Agreed.


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## Stephenie (Oct 11, 2007)

I totally get why you'd be frustrated. We've lived in really small places and it's so hard to "hold onto things until they are older" when you don't have the space. My MIL is the queen of inappropriate gifts. As in size 5t clothes for my then 6 month old son. And until recently, we've lived in places that were 700 sf or so. We used to try and give her ideas, she'd ignore them, then the toys would end up at the thrift store or given to a friend with a kid it was appropriate for. We tried. She also wouldn't listen and would buy something we told her we bought our kids but "better" in her eyes. Very frustrating.

It's too late now, but next time something is purchased already, maybe try to let it go. The toy can "break" (as they often actually do when given to kids too young for them!) and disappear.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

My 10 year old dd is really creeped out by those dolls.

In future I would emphasize age appropriateness only. If the toy isn't for your dd's age I would say so and return it. That's a safety issue. If it is age appropriate but just not the type/color of toy that you'd prefer I'd just accept it. You can weed through toys every so often and get rid of the things you don't like to "make room".

We hated electronic toys but that is all one grandparent ever gives dd. We just accepted them. Dd rarely touched them among her other toys. Some of them you can just not put batteries in and they still have play value.


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## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

I think your 6 mo old may even be a bit intrigued by the doll. Of course she'll be supervised, so there's no reason to worry about the age appropriateness rating.


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## babygirlie (Jun 4, 2009)

My 8 month old daughter also got a doll for christmas last year that was 3+ and looked bargain basement and had small objects like a bottle etc. I never said a word and it's still up in the closet.

I mean I hear where you are coming from but a someone goes out of their way to pick out a special toy and wrap it and send it and get all excited about it (gift giving is really about the giving not the receiving) and then you return it. Yeah, it would hurt my feelings. Any person doesn't have to give you any kind of gift. Your mom is in a special place to be able to talk openly and often with you and she knows more how you feel and do things so MIL is at a disadvantage. It sucks  Next time I would build her up and say how awesome and thoughtful she was and how cool her toy was (while it meandered to a top shelf) and then 4 months later hint how you wish she had some dark colored simple cloth dolls for baby. 

Perhaps people don't think they're REALLY serious about the 3 YEARS and up note. Heck, I bought a pillow pet for my now 1 and a half year old and that nose went popping off in a day and rolling around under my bed somewhere. Pretty sure they mean 3 years when they say 3 years+ now :/ I actually made a point to huff about it in front of people who Might be thinking of buying her another one and I got this look of crap I WAS going to get her one.. heh Said person then started describing the noses of the other ones like the unicorn. Just what I need.. her jamming a horn down her throat :/ I wonder if a fairy will cry if I chop it's horn off :x


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

LOL babygirlie...those new pillow pets are not as well made as the ones from last year. We bought them last year before they were popular, and they are solid...my 1 year old has attempted many times to rip body parts off hers, and the body parts aren't budging. I'm also pretty sure there's nothing removable on it. (She has a penguin).

The age thing doesn't bother me...we buy lots of toys out of age range, because the babies only stay little for a short time. I'd rather store something for a few months and give it to her when she's older than have something she outgrows in a month.


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## snoopy5386 (May 6, 2005)

Oh man, have I been there. It is hard to navigate the gift getting aspect of being a new parent. When my DD1 was 6 months old my mom bought her this:

http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price%C2%AE-Roll-a-Rounds-Drop-Roar-Dinosaur/dp/B0007WWZK4/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1292679959&sr=8-7

It wasn't a holiday, she just bought it for no reason and boy was I pissed. How dare she buy this big, giant plastic toy for my house without getting an ok from me first. I had lots of arguments - DD was too young for it, it was really big and took up a lot of space, how did she know we didn't already have it, etc. I didn't even bring up the plastic argument because frankly that is so far off my mainstream family's radar they would never get. My mom was really hurt and upset, she was coming at it from the angle of I just wanted to buy my grandchild a toy, why can't I buy my grandchild a toy. The toy came out of a place of love, just like the baby alive doll did for your MIL and I can totally see how she would be crushed by your rejection.

I've changed a lot over the years - when my DD1 was 2 we got her a play kitchen and play food, I wanted to make sure she got a wooden kitchen and I made all her food myself from felt and also bought her some Haba and Plan toys food to go with it. Over the years my ILs have added some Melissa and Doug wooden food to her kitchen set, it is not what I would have chosen, but it wasn't cheap plastic food and DD loves it. Well, now my DD1 is 4.5 and my DD2 is 8 months and we just celebrated Christmas with some friends. And what did one of our dear friends get DD1? Yup, a big plastic barrel full of cheap plastic food from Walmart. And I smiled gracefully and accepted it and it is now mixed in with my DD1's kitchen set because you know what? The relationship is more important than the toy. In 20 years DD1 is going to remember having fun times with this friend, not that she had a plastic hot dog in her toy kitchen.

In your case, the damage has already been done so now you have to decide how to proceed from here. You could call up your MIL and tell her you've thought things over a bit more, feel really badly about what you said about the toy and you'd love to have it. You could go at it from an inappropriate age perspective and tell her she can give DD the doll for Christmas but then take it back to her house to store until she is older since you don't have the space. You could tell her all the reasons why you don't want DD to have this particular doll and point her in the direction of what kind of dolls would be ok. You could accept the gift, take out the batteries and take away the chokeable parts and have it just be a doll.

Advice for the future - have natural toy catalogs sent to MILs house, talk about what you are getting her and why and just accept all gifts gracefully and deal with it later. Over the years we've gotten a lot of gifts I would never have purchased for my kids, some have turned out to be her favorites, some have been played with for a day and neglected for years, but none have irrevocably harmed them.

Here is my pet peeve about giving gifts to kids - why does the gift have to be a surprise for the parents too? If your MIL wanted to buy your DD a baby doll, why couldn't she have called you and said I was thinking about getting DD a baby doll for Christmas, how about this one? Or did you have any ones in mind?

In this day and age of technology, how hard is it to send an email, text message, or call from your cell phone? Last week my Mom bought DD a pillow pet. DD has been talking about getting a ladybug pillow pet for months, my mom bought her a panda one. So when DD got the panda she was disappointed and reacted as so. Both my mom and my DD were upset. It all could have been avoided with a simple phone call. We've also gotten so many duplicate gifts - books, games, etc. for the same reason. Just call me, text me, etc. But for whatever reason it never happens.


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## spedteacher30 (Nov 20, 2005)

Given the results of the Clarks' famous doll study: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenneth_and_Mamie_Clark , I don't think this is as simple as many other preferences listed here. Maybe, your husband can have a discussion with his mom about the Doll Study, and the recreation of it, and the CNN coverage from last year, and Nurtureshock's chapter on race, and ask his mom, "Mom, how did you do it? How did you raise me to be a proud, confident black man?" and in the course of the conversation, bring up the fact that Barack Obama listed himself as African American/black on the census because when he is walking down the street, people don't see his white mother, they see a black man.

Your MIL may be thinking you wouldn't feel comfortable surrounding your daughter with all black dolls and books and characters, so she might need to be brought on board, and reassured that you WANT it.


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## Tigeresse (Nov 19, 2001)

It may be too late now, but I would graciously accept and keep the doll, which your dd is too young to really have much of an opinion on anyway, and remove batteries and bottles or any accessories you deem offensive. You could put it on a shelf on your dd's room and just see if she ever takes to it.....she should not miss the bottle or battery operated actions if she does not know they are there. Not worth Grandma's hurt feelings to reject the gift. As your dd grows and you accumulate more things that are in line with your values, Grandma may catch on to that and start to look for things she knows you would like for dd......or not. In the long run your dd will have her own opinions anyway. The relationship with Grandma far outweighs making sure only appropriate toys enter the home. I can't tell you how many gifts I have cringed at over the years, and my kids have survived them all relatively unscathed! Even things we have acquired in line with our ideals (such as an assortment of Asian dolls for our Chinese dd) have ended up being unused and sitting on a shelf collecting dust. People before things.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Not wrong............but I would stop all arguments and state firmly that toy is for an older child. She can give it but you will store it until it is safe for her to play with it. It will be forgotten, batteries removed if not, then lost among the other dolls you give her.

I would have your dh deal with her. IMO this is a boundry he needs to establish with his mom. "NO, this is not acceptable. I will not allow you to give unsafe (and it is) things to my child." It might be also good to has him then ask "Why do you want to give something my child could choke on? Are you trying to kill her?" The answer is going to be "NO, and upsetting because it will be obvious to his mom how little she thought about this special item."


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom*
> 
> I would have your dh deal with her. IMO this is a boundry he needs to establish with his mom. "NO, this is not acceptable. I will not allow you to give unsafe (and it is) things to my child." It might be also good to has him then ask "Why do you want to give something my child could choke on? Are you trying to kill her?" The answer is going to be "NO, and upsetting because it will be obvious to his mom how little she thought about this special item."


 IMO, this is too harsh, given the information that the OP provided.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

OP, respectfully I think you are wrong. I find it rude to not graciously accept any gift from anyone. Your MIL is clearly coming from a loving and caing place...just trying to find something that could make your daughter happy one day. I would never tell a gift giver that their gift is unacceptable and that they need to return it. That's just me. Now, if your MIL asked first and you gave her a list of acceptable options and she went the plastic, battery-operated route, I would be miffed.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama*
> 
> I TOTALLY understand your concerns. And I truly believe in following age recommendations. In this case though, given the background, I think accepting it would have been the best thing to do. Your dd is young enough that making it disappear would not be problematic.
> 
> I think you should call your MIL and talk to her -- tell her the awesome things about her that you told us here.


I agree with this. Be glad that 1) your dd is too young for the doll so she likely won't pay any attention to it and 2) she's young enough (and your MIL lives far away enough) that you can make it disappear the next day. If MIL asks how she likes it, I would just say that she does and leave it at that. If she visits, she'll see for herself that the doll is really too old for her and hopefully that will influence her future gift giving.

You can explain your beliefs and views til your blue in the face, but at the end of the day the grandparents will buy what they want to buy.... says the mom who's kids are getting a mobigo video game thing I'm less than thrilled about. I would tell your MIL that you were wrong in telling her you didn't want the gift, but that in the future you'd prefer your dd to have AA or hispanic dolls.


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## widemouthedfrog (Mar 9, 2006)

My strategy with gifts is to accept them if they are inappropriate and from people we do not see often. Those ones can disappear if required.

If they are from someone we will see often, I can either put them aside and bring them out later (although dd at 5 will remember and ask for them now) or I can set boundaries about gifts. I do this outside of the Christmas season and I get dh to talk to my MIL about appropriate gifts. We also create a Christmas list early so the grandparents know what to get dd.

For grandparents who live closer and love to spend money on dd (both of ours do), I ask that gifts be restricted to Christmas and her birthday. Anything else, the grandparents can keep at their house and dd can play with the toys when she visits. So they can buy whatever they want, as long as it is safe, and dd will be exposed to it occasionally. When dd was born, PVC in toys was a big issue and we did have a talk with grandma about that so she knew why we didn't want dd playing with PVC, even at her place. She understood.


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## Sunflower223 (Feb 22, 2007)

I struggle with issues like this all the time. My mother and MIL have given my kids so many things that I don't want them to have. It's so hard. Although I think you may have been a little harsh, I totally understand where you are coming from. I wouldn't beat myself up over it. You handled it the best way you could, she needed to know, especially with the age issue. If I were you, I would or would have DH talk to MIL, make sure she understands why you said no to the doll but also make sure she doesn't feel hurt over the situation.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *blake201*
> . I don't want her to somehow get the message that white dolls are prettier or better.


I really feel for you on this one. Can you exchange for a hispanic of black version of this doll? Also, there are a ton of baby alive versions out now. One called "My First Baby Alive" which is geared toward toddlers and is plush, so maybe MIL didn't buy the doll you're thinking of.

I'm white, dh is Korean so obviously my kids are half Asian, half white. Still though, one dd in particular favors blonde haired blue eyed dolls. We did our best with keeping the white dolls to a minimum. Out of I'd say 20-25 dolls we've had in the past 5 years* 3-4 have been white. The rest mostly AA and hispanic and two Asian dolls. (Asian dolls are extremely hard to find, especially in store). Added to that, we live in one of the least, if not the least diverse states and dh is adopted so his family is all white. She is surrounded by white people, as hard as we try to diversify her life.

*If you haven't learned already, people love to buy little girls dolls


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I truly don't like the Baby Alive Dolls, but your dd may some day. You can take the batteries out and lose the bottle so it is just a doll if it is the electronic part that concerns you. I agree with your mom on this one, especially since your MIL is feeling hurt.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I totally understand all of your reasoning. Baby Alive is the pits...but that said, it's a toy and your MIL is much more important. Would you be comfortable just calling your MIL and giving her a simple apology for not just graciously accepting what was to be a gift. The holidays can be stressful for everyone.

Also, Baby Alive...my DD is 5 and she has one and loves it. And I have to change the diapers! How is that fair? It is the creepiest doll.

We've gotten some really bad gifts. I tried to explain the whole open-ended, natural toy thing to my mom one time and just discussing--it in general, not even during a gift giving occasion--offended her. My take home from that conversation was that there are some people who just want to give whatever they want to give. You can't tell them anything without hurting and or offending them. These are usually people who love to shop. Then there are other people who are more open to other philosophies, learning about you, and more eager to get you what you actually want. There is no easy answer, but you can tell when you've hurt or offended someone. And even though you're not wrong, then unfortunately the onus falls on you to make it better.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *blake201*
> 
> Regarding the doll:
> 
> The doll is definitely NOT age appropriate for her... It's battery operated and designed for ages 3+ (small chokeable parts).


This is the only reason that, for me, would be good enough to reject a gift. It's a real safety risk.

The others, for me, wouldn't be worth hurting someone's feelings over, though I would (or would have dp) drop hints about what would be better (and what we don't want) in the future. But I'd try to be sort of sneaky about it, and not hurt feelings.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

The appropriate response to a gift is "thank you, it's lovely." Everyfreakingtime. Your mother is right.

But on the bright side, you have a couple of years to practice modeling this behavior before your DD is old enough to notice, and your MIL has a couple of years to practice buying stuff that she won't choke on. Since you have a good relationship with each other, I am 100% confident that you are going to work this thing out.


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

I always told the kids to smile and say thank you.They have gotten some really BAD gifts during the school secret santa,and I do mean BAD. With relatives it is the same,but you can lessen the unwanted gifts by letting them know what your child would like,or what their interests are.

I would tell mil how sorry your are about upsetting her.Your intent was to avoid gifts you felt dd would not like,but in the process you hurt her,and that is not what you wanted to do.Let her give the doll if she really wants.Maybe next time gifts are given she will give something you feel is more appropriate,and if not you just smile and say thanks.It is after all a gift.You can just put it away and gift it to someone else.Express what you feel are good gifts and accept what gifts you get.


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

I don't think I necessarily agree that you did the wrong thing. I don't think the fact that it's a white doll should be any consideration (agree that your MIL was probably trying to be inclusive), but otherwise, I think it may have been a good idea to nicely break it to your MIL now (while your child is still so young) about what you can fit in your house and what you want your child exposed to. We also live in a tiny apartment and like you, simply do not have the space to store things for 1-2 years from now. We frequently get gifts for the kids for when they are older or clothes that are two years too big and we just have to pass them on or return them. Those Baby Alives are in a big box - I have no idea where we would keep that for the two years until she was interested in. Now I know you could say just to accept it and donate it, but then what if MIL comes over or what happens in a year or two when she wants to know where it is? Seriously, for a family in a 700 square foot apartment, storing one of these things (plus every other gift that comes after - didn't the OP say that this wasn't even for birthday or Christmas?) is just going to be a serious hassle. Maybe better to "nip it in the bud" now, albeit in a nice way?

Also would be a good time to get your lovely MIL aware of your toy preferences. Baby Alive weirds me out too. My daughter just saw one at Target the other day and really liked it, I'll admit that. But after she saw it, I found a feeding set and a doll potty at this thrift store and she is just as thrilled using those items with the more simple dolls that she already has. I wish we had started early explaining our preferences to my MIL (and when I say we, I guess I mean my husband - I think if it's his mom, he should be the primary contact). I think that would have avoided a lot of heartache (especially recently...we had a rather awful Christmas exchange after seeing the large number of flashy plastic toys she purchased our kids). Start having him explain what types of toys you like, where she can get them, etc. Nicely obviously. Make sure she knows she is valued as a part of the child's life and help her have a good relationship with you too.

Maybe it could have been done nicer and you should definitely have your husband sincerly apologize at this point since she's so hurt - he can say he didn't know how much it meant to her and that he was just trying to be honest about how he would like his daughter raised. Then help her make the choices you would like her to make in the future. Good luck


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## KLM99 (Aug 9, 2007)

Maybe for conversation sake, I'll add our recent experience to see what others think (I imagine everyone will think we were too harsh too since that's been the common consensus here). But I see a lot of parallels in the OP's situation and here's how it's turned out for us three years down the road.

We also live in a very small apartment. My MIL is great really - I like her very much and she's very nice to the kids. We also try to put some control on what toys our kids are exposed to, especially since we don't have much room for toys anyway, I'd like each to be special and to have long-term play opportunities. I'd also like the kids not to connect seeing MIL with receiving gifts. Since my DD was born (and now we have DS too), we have repeatedly asked my MIL not to buy the kids gifts every time they see her, MIL has visited our place and seen how small it is and what toys we already have, we have sent her gift wish lists and recommended websites and asked her not to get anything at all or to just contribute to their college funds. And still, at every birthday, Christmas, and pretty much every time we see her, she shows up with large, flashy, age-inappropriate toys. Most, if not all of which we end up donating or returning. Yes, she is lovely in every other way and yes, I get that it is polite just to accept gifts. But it is still a problem - the waste, the time spent donating and returning, I'm afraid the kids will start connecting MIL with gifts and expecting them, etc. This year she asked if she can get the kids anything for Christmas (we thought - progress!), and DH said one toy or one outfit. We showed up for a visit and she had two giant bags full of flashy play-with-for-a-minute toys and inappropriate clothing. DH blew up at her and we ended up leaving the gifts there when we left. She apparently is extremely hurt. Really torn about this. I feel like we've been clear, she gets it, and then she does the complete opposite anyway. But she's really a great grandma otherwise.

I guess this just to say that this may not be just a one-time issue that the OP will be handling. If she doesn't say anything now and just accepts the doll, that could be that. Or, it could turn out to be a struggle that occurs a few or more times every single year.


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## blake201 (May 20, 2010)

Wow, thank you all for your thoughtful posts! I obviously can't respond to everything everyone said, but I did read all your comments and really appreciate them. Here's the update:

I talked with my husband and told him what my mother said, and he agreed we needed to apologize to MIL. We were actually planning on telling her we'd take the doll and hold onto it (where I'm not sure!), but after we apologized for hurting her feelings she said she understood and would return it and get Baby Z something she could cuddle and play with right now. She did want to "show" the doll to the baby before she returned it, however. So on a video Skype call with MIL (we otherwise allow no screen time, but remote calls with grandparents and great-grandparents we do each week since they rarely see her) MIL tried to show her the doll moving and bouncing up and down... but the batteries didn't work and Baby Z wasn't at all interested--she just wanted to giggle and play with her toes and babble "da da da."

Going forward, we'll try to be a LOT more gracious about gift receiving.

And yes, spedteacher30, we were totally thinking about those famous doll studies and the CNN piece about children's doll preferences. Everywhere our daughter goes she is going to be surrounded by images of beauty that are predominantly white, so we are striving to have lots of other positive images in our home for her to see--images of both sides of her family, children's books that feature children of all races (with a particular emphasis on books that feature black and biracial girls), and dolls of all races, but especially black/biracial dolls. So we have many wonderful "classic" children's books (which unfortunately rarely feature black characters, except for in The Snowy Day), but also books like "Whose Toes Are Those?", "Black Magic", "Please Baby Please", etc.


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## spedteacher30 (Nov 20, 2005)

my son loves this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Hair-Natasha-Anastasia-Tarpley/dp/0316522759

He has wonderful, big, curly hair--he won't let us cut it. This spring and summer a bunch of kids at his (former) pre-school made fun of his hair, so we dug this one out of our teaching supplies and read it to him over and over and over. He adored it!!

I picked this up recently at a overstock book sale, but have only read bits and pieces:

http://www.amazon.com/Anybody-Parents-Raising-Multiracial-Children/dp/0738206059

I read this one recently, too, but probably wouldn't recommend spending much more than the 26 cents it is listed at right now. it was a good read, but nothing I would ever refer back to:

http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Across-Color-Line-Adoptive/dp/0847699129


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## blake201 (May 20, 2010)

spedteacher30, we have that I Love My Hair! book--my mom bought it for her. It's fabulous. And my little girl definitely has a big cloud of hair (it's really a cross between an afro and a mohawk, so we call it her "frohawk"), so I'm sure she'll appreciate it even more when she actually understands it... here she is with me in a wrap and with her Daddy on her first Chanukah...





oh, and bonus photo of her with MIL (aka "Nana") back when she was a tiny 2-month-old:


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## Areia (Mar 5, 2009)

I don't have anything new to add to the discussion, but Baby Z is so adorable!!


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## spedteacher30 (Nov 20, 2005)

Adorable!

Here's my little one on his first Chanukah:


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I love her hair! I also love the top picture with the two of you together.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

Wait, we were supposed to take a picture with the kids next to the menorah on their first Chanukahs?

Oooooooooops.









Anyhow, Baby Z is adorable!

Here, this will be easier to save for a couple of years than a big plastic doll:


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## blake201 (May 20, 2010)

OOOOH! So so cute!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *spedteacher30*
> 
> Adorable!
> 
> Here's my little one on his first Chanukah:


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

OP, what a nice update! So glad everyone was able to come to a compromise without hurt feelings.

BTW, you have a gorgeous family!


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Baby Z is sooo cute. As a mother to an AA child, we are also careful about what images are presented to DD. Here are some of DD's favorite books...

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/I-Can-Do-It-Too/Karen-Baicker/e/9780811875608/?itm=3&USRI=karen+baicker

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/You-Can-Do-It-Too/Karen-Baicker/e/9780811875615/?itm=4&USRI=karen+baicker

Target has a great, great selection of multi-cultural books as well.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Over the years of relatives giving our kids presents, two things have happened:

1) They've mostly gotten the idea in terms of what sorts of things I don't want the kids to have.

2) I've relaxed more about what the kids can own.

With your mil, no, I would not have told her not to give a gift she had bought. I would have thanked her for the doll and chucked the bottle.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

Im lucky enough that my MIL asks me if DDs can have this or that before buying it. She knows we 1) move a lot, 2) have a smaller place and 3) have different opinions on toys so she rather get something we will use/like then get what she might have gotten for her other granddaughter. However, unless its really bad I usually say ok. For example she knew I don't do electronical toys BUT DD1 had/has a fear of the dark so she got her a doll that had a light when you pushed its tummy it would light up. Personally I would have NEVER gotten it, it wasn't something I would really want DD to have. It was coming from a place of love so I allowed DD to play with it until she got tired of it and then it got ruined in the move to our current place (really, Im not kidding either, it was left out in a box during the middle of a really bad rainstorm then was never quite the same again).

As for the baby alive Id have to say I would have probably said no if I was asked about it. Mainly its very far from what I would want my child to have and it would scare the dickens out of my girls. I work really hard to keep their toys simplified and organized so they can play without getting upset/losing things. MIL thinks any baby doll that can poop is taking things a little to far so Im safe from her sending it to me!


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

If it were me, I'd have taken it w/ thanks, esp if she lives out of state. Your DD is only 6 mo old--isn't like she's going to tell GM she's never played with the doll. Seriously, if you think GM is crushed, I'd call back and say you've rethought it and it's a lovely gift, DD will love it, blah blah and then stick it in the closet. I'm coming from a BTDT standpoint--my IL's regularly give us crazy stuff that's completely opposite of our world view. Since they're out of state I accept it w/ thanks and either exchange it or get rid of it.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

Sounds like you worked it out, but I'm still reeling on the concept of a white girl lecturing an elder woman of color on racial sensitivity. If racial sensitivity is really important to you, you might want to spend some time thinking about why you, as a white person, even thought it was your prerogative to go there. (FWIW I am white, my partner is not.)


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## blake201 (May 20, 2010)

Hi GalateaDunkel -- Maybe I didn't make it clear, but it was my (black) husband who talked to his own mother about the doll being white, not me. I didn't lecture her about anything, although I did personally agree with him. My own concerns about the doll being white were in my post, but I certainly didn't express them to her. (Edited because I read back and realized I didn't mention this).

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *GalateaDunkel*
> 
> Sounds like you worked it out, but I'm still reeling on the concept of a white girl lecturing an elder woman of color on racial sensitivity. If racial sensitivity is really important to you, you might want to spend some time thinking about why you, as a white person, even thought it was your prerogative to go there. (FWIW I am white, my partner is not.)


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

Sorry, I haven't yet read all the replies. What really strikes me is the fact that you don't want her to have a white doll. Is she not half white? Can she not be just as proud of her caucasion background? For example Halle Berry is someone I always chuckled about....she claims to be a proud black woman (and everyone applauds her) she is half white and were she to claim "I am a proud white woman" people would find it scandalous.

I hope your little one grows to be a happy, balanced little girl who appreciates both aspects of her background.


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## JulianneW (Dec 17, 2010)

I think you handled it very well. If was not a gift from a stranger it was a gift from your husbands mother. You should be able to talk to your own parents about those sort of things and set boundaries. How horrible would she have felt if she found out later, say in five years that you prefer natural toys; yet didn't have the courtesy to let her know your preference. Being open and honest is the best policy, especially with family.


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## AndrewsMother (Jul 30, 2007)

I think that your mother was right. Baby Alive gives me the creeps and I would not want one with in ten inches of my home, but if it was given as a gift I would have gracefully accepted it. Pale color and all.

As a black female who has no qualms with being black and would never have failed that stupid doll test, I see nothing wrong with white dolls. I had dolls of all colors as a child, and even Barbie. My parents exposing me to other cultures and ways of life impacted me far more than playing with a white doll ever could.

Your husband might identify himself as white, but if he has a white Mother and you are Hispanic your child is a creation of many different races, so why can't she play with dolls that reflect each part of her identity.

And as for Baby Alive, I am sure that in a few weeks you could have gifted her to a child who really needed a doll.


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## MEcatlady17 (Apr 30, 2008)

I actually think that addressing the toy issue now, while uncomfortable, may be the right choice. If your MIL is loving and really cares about your child, she won't let this one incident shut her down from continuing to try and find things she thinks your daughter will enjoy. If you never had this conversation, years from now you may be posting on how you have closets full of crap you don't want your children to play with..but the key is she will not have a clue that she is wasting her money or time on these things. She doesn't live close, so she isn't going to be having regular observations of the choices you make for your family like your mother does. While it is unfortunately that her feelings were hurt, and you will definitely have to choose your battles with stuff like this...I think that if you wanted to have a discussion with her about the kinds of toys you want for DD and the kinds you want to avoid and why...earlier is better. I think that if you have a discussion and she *still* chooses to give these kinds of gifts in the future, then that is the time to choose not to say anything and either return the gift, donate it, or put it away for use when she is around, etc. as other posters have suggested. Sounds like she is the kind of grandma that it is worth trying to 'educate' her on the choices your family is making and give her the opportunity to learn about more open ended, natural material toys and why they are important.

I can relate as almost no one in our family would understand why a baby alive isn't the greatest gift ever  When it is someone that is either not going to understand, be horribly offended and become angry, or isn't likely to gift regularly- I let it go. They are the people who would never know if we kept the toy or not. If it is someone who is an active part of our DD's life and will likely be gifting regularly over her life...having those conversations is important to me. I actually starting when I was pregnant...whenever things came up about buying for the baby I would be sure to include the kinds of ideals we have just to put it out there. This year before Christmas when people asked what DD wanted for christmas or whenever it was appropriate in a conversation I tried to note things like "oh, I'd love for her to have some plain wooden blocks" or "actually, we don't want to encourage tv watching while she is so young, so we aren't going to have tv character themed things for her, you know, while we can control it". I hate to waste other people's resources without giving them the benefit of learning that we may in fact return or give away toys that were likely horribly overpriced to begin with! However, if someone we've had a conversation with gives those things to us anyway (i.e. weapons, inappropriate movie or tv characters, wildy age inappropriate items) I will not feel bad at all about accepting the gift and sending it straight back to Walmart where they got it 

We used amazon.com's wish list for our Christmas and now for birthday ideas for DD. Not everyone buys from it, but it definitely helped cut down on the amount of electronic plastic stuff DD has received. I think if anything it helps people to see the kinds of things we like.


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## SpiderMum (Sep 13, 2008)

I don't think you were wrong. The biggest issue here is that your child is 6-MONTHS-OLD and this doll is for 3+. She cannot possibly play with it and you shouldn't have to hold onto it for 2+ years before your child is old enough to get it out again. Tell your MIL she can wait 2 years and then buy her a doll.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *blake201*
> . So we have many wonderful "classic" children's books (which unfortunately rarely feature black characters, except for in The Snowy Day), but also books like "Whose Toes Are Those?", "Black Magic", "Please Baby Please", etc.


Don't forget "Corduroy"! We also love "The Hello Goodbye Window" and "Sweetie Pie and Sourpuss," which both feature an interracial family--also "Five for a Little One," which features an interracial rabbit!


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## newsolarmomma2 (Jan 6, 2011)

I understand your problem. We dont do gifts for me or DH because of ideology (anti materialism, consumerism, pro ethical labor standards) So we ask for donations to animal welfare charities and shelters in our name, instead. It took awhile for peoplemto realize we meant it, and didnt want gifts, but eventually they participated. Of course we accepted and thanked whomever gave gifts, but reminded them later than we do charity instead, and why. I think your problem is similar.

My suggestion is to apologize for not being appreciative (even if you dont mean it, it will ease the conversastion) and tell MIL that you truly appreciate the thought. That she bought a caucasion doll is a good thing, build on that. Also mention that the small parts are hazardous. After this, there are 2 good approaches:

1) If you REALLY cannot stand that stuff in your house, which is your right as a parent, next time you see her, talk about your values, and why you do what you do. Around holidays/birthdays, bring up how yoyur values influence what you buy and why this matters so much. If she then buys toys you dont approve of, thank her, return it without a recipt or give it to charity. If she cannot buy things you like, you can have your daughter write up a list of what she wants and innocently share it with her, or ask her to donate to a college fund, investment, gift card. This way you have some control over what comes into your house.

2) Also keep in mind that toys dont have influence over what your daughter thinks,esp if its only one out of 10. She will see babies with bottles IRL anyway! If your MIL is the only one buying this stuff, it wont be a big deal. After all, It IS just a toy, it doesnt have to be a battle. You will never be able to control everything your DD sees, touches, hears and plays with, and would you even want to? if you dont have the space, get rid of it, but if its just because you dont like what it represents, think it through and decide if it truly harmful enough to ban it, only you can choose.

I personally hate junk toys too, but its not worth damaging a relationship over it. If it was me, I would talk to her about my values and steer her towards toys you approve of, but if it doesnt happen I would accept gifts with a smile and not worry about it..


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