# Empty arms..



## homebirthing (Nov 10, 2002)

My friend had a huge loss in her life. Her daughter was born still almost two months ago. She is going through something that I am thinking of as "empty arms". She aches to hold something...anything. She is holding onto her cats right now. I don't know what I should do, other then to tell her that it is normal. What can I do? Are there books that talk about it? Thank you so much for your support.


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## Simply Nurtured (Nov 6, 2004)

I have read a few grief/bereaved parent books on my doula path, but nothing really stands out, in my opinion.

One of the most important things I have discovered, miscarrying myself and serving during miscarriage and also stillbirth is that there is a deep need for other people to know and understand that this was a baby, a real baby, a real life, and whether that mama ever has any living children, she is a mother...

I followed your posts about your friend and your poem was very special.

I am pming you, with some other info.


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## snugglebutter (Mar 19, 2003)

I think I have had similar feelings. When you are pg, your heart and body are preparing to care for your baby. Those nurturing instincts remain when a baby dies and we search for ways to direct that energy and those feelings.

I sometimes describe it to my friends as "ultimate boredom". There have been times when I wander around the house for quite a long time, just searching...... and finding nothing to do. Sure - there may be housework, uncompleted crafts, cooking, email to answer etc...... but these will not complete my longing to care for my child. Sometimes even cuddling my sweet dog (who has been SUCH blessing) doesn't help. My desire is to hold Kira and meet her needs. Instead I grieve.

You are a caring friend. I can sense your sincere desire to help your friend. Unfortunately there is no easy way to live with empty arms. You can be there for her, listen and offer hugs. Acknowledging her feelings as normal is very helpful. Has she joined any IRL or online support groups? It has been very helpful to me to talk with other mothers who have had similar experiences.


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## ssrmeeky (Dec 23, 2004)

Thats good that you are there for your friend in her time of need. There are no words that can ease her pain. I know what it feels like to loose a child, it is hard and what she really need is support from her family and friends. Support from other women that experience the loss of a child. What also helps is if she talks about the child she was carrying with the father of the child and family and friends. If at some point you dont have any kind words to say just listen to her and comfort her.

I hope you can be there for her mental and spiritually
Meeky


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Yes, I know that "empty arms" feeling. It is a very real physical sensation, and, oh, how it aches. I had a blanket my sister-in-law had made for Kevin, and I held that in my arms for a long, long time.

My favorite book is "Ended Beginnings: Healing Childbearing Losses" by Panuthos & Romeo.

I'm glad your friend has you, she will need your support for a very long time.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Sarah, Thank you for your kindness and gentle spirit. You are very special to your friend that loss her baby.

Empty Arms....
BIG SIGH...Yes, I know about all about empty arms. All to well. It hurts like hell...no way around it.

Love and Blessings to all...I have no great words of wisdom...only my personal experience.


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## ladylee (Nov 20, 2001)

I feel it, and I "only" lost a baby at 12 weeks. My body also felt ready to nurse. The energy is very powerful and needs to find a way to "cycle" back.

I do visualizations where I envision my heart chakra opening (the arms and breasts are part of the heart chakra) to my child's spirit. I envision the love from my heart, breasts and arms going out to the universe to wherever my child is and surrounding them.

Maybe some sort of visualization that's meaningful to her would be helpful.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Your friend is so lucky to have you in her life.

Yes, there are good books out there. I loved "Ended Beginnings" (mentioned above) and also "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah Davis.

Nothing is going to fill your friend's empty arms but you can fill her heart with your love and support to ease her pain. For me, it was so nice when a few of my friend's asked about Julianna. Ask the same types of questions you would ask a friend who had a living baby. "how big was s/he?" "Tell me about your birth." etc.

I agree that acknowledging the life that she carried is the best thing you can do. Acknowledge that she had a baby that died not "just" a stillbirth.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *berkeleyp*
acknowledging the life that she carried is the best thing you can do. Acknowledge that she had a baby that died not "just" a stillbirth.


i so agree...Thank you Berkeley for sharing this. We sometimes forget about this when talking to others. I know I have and I am the one with the loss....


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## homebirthing (Nov 10, 2002)

Just two days ago we had a conversation about Addie and how much she looked just exactly like her sister! What a doll. It was really nice to talk about her, and it was really a bittersweet thing to talk about. She is physically healing, which is hard for her to accept. I think that she feels betrayed and guilty that her body has moved forward. She is going to come over tomorrow to hang out and let the girls all play together.

For those of you that had read the poem I wrote, I have decided not to give it to her. I think that it was more for me then anything, and it is too sad.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Ladylee--Thank you for that visualization. I hadn't thought of that before, but it seems that it would help with that aching need to do something for my baby.

Sarah--Have you asked your friend if she would like to see the poem? In my experience, nothing that anyone else wrote or said could ever be too sad, and I have always appreciated knowing that others were profoundly affected by my baby's death. It helps me not feel so isolated from those around me.

Yes, Jackie--I have found myself forgetting, too. I hate when I leave a conversation and realize I just discounted my baby's existence. Once in particular, a friend whose baby boy was born two weeks after Kevin mentioned a mutual friend who also had a baby boy during that month. I heard myself say, "Oh, cool, you both had babies at the same time." I got off the phone and realized that I had also had a baby at that time.


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## homebirthing (Nov 10, 2002)

I was there for the birth of their daughter. I was actually the first one to see her. The mom was under general and the nurses had brought the dad to a quiet place to meet his baby. I waited out in the hallway for the nurse to bring her in, so I got to see her first. I then helped to place Addie in his arms. I looked at her and touched her body, which was somewhat beat up from the c-section and her being dead for almost 24 hours. I left him for awhile to be alone, then came back.

The mom has said a couple of times that she wants to share her birth story with me, and I really want to see it. She keeps forgetting it though, whether intentionally or on accident, I don't question. I know she will be ready in time. Addie's poem that I wrote is sad, because something tragic happened, but I wonder if it is too sad, or if it would bring her even lower. They are just my words, just my thoughts. It isn't even a great poem, it is just something that I needed to get out. She is so depressed right now (I think that she needs to talk to someone) that I think that it wouldn't help anything. What are your thoughts on it? What are some things that I can do?


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Quote:

Addie's poem that I wrote is sad, because something tragic happened, but I wonder if it is too sad, or if it would bring her even lower.
When your baby has just died, there is no real way to be any lower. I would say that it is impossible for anything on paper to be "too" sad. I agree that you should at least ask your friend if she wants to read it. sometimes, when you're sad, it helps to get sadder for a few minutes and i think it would mean a lot to her to know that you were affected so deeply and understood her pain.


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## homebirthing (Nov 10, 2002)

Thank you Julianna. I just wasn't sure what to do. I think that I will just let her know. And then it can be up to her if she wants to read it or not.

Sarah


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Aw Sarah, that is so sweet that you called Berkeley Julianna! Julianna is Berkeley's daughter.

I will tell you that my bf is a writer and has supported me and mourned the loss of my son, her nephew very deeply. She wrote something beautiful shortly after our loss and she decided not to share it with me until she felt like I was ready. It was about 9 or 10 months after his death when she shared it with me and it was great timing. I cried and was really touched by her words, and so appreciated the fact that she could write about her pain and my pain and our pain. If you feel compelled to wait, then wait. Maybe it is too soon- the pain too raw for her. Listen to your heart- you are obviously in her life for good so you can always give it to her in the future when you think it will be easier for her to process, as opposed to compounding her sadness.

I'm sorry for the loss you feel over Addie's death.


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## homebirthing (Nov 10, 2002)

I'm sorry. I just saw the name Julianna where a lot of moms have their names. I wasn't thinking.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Sarah, that made me smile (I bet it made Berkeley smile too).


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Sure did.


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