# My own sad news



## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

I awoke this morning with painful cramps that didn't go away for more than two hours. Called the doctor, all the while second guessing myself, but went in for an ultrasound this morning. Looks like my little soul is stuck in my left fallopian tube, which explains the pain.
I'm just at the beginning of this. Anyone been here? Crying my eyes out, lots of support from family and friends--and chocolate cake from my Mom.








Ds wants to nurse, but it makes my uterus contract, and I find it really uncomfortable. Any suggestions?


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## kazmir (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm sorry to hear this. No suggestions, just support and positive thoughts going out to you.

Robin


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

{{{Ummnuh }}} Been there & it was horrific. Mine had actually ruptured when they found out so I had to get rushed to the ER. Sounds like your has not gone yet ?? In that case they can often save the tube.

There's lots I could say but I don't know if your experience will be like mine & I don't want to offend anyone else. Take it easy, rest as much as you can. If you've lost blood, which is very likely, try to get yourself a good natural iron supplement. Nettle & red rapsberry leaf tea are good. Mentally it may take you a while to get over this. It is a pretty traumatic & violent occurence. Essentially you end up having a termination forced upon you as you literally have no other choice. So yeah. Be very gentle with yourself & give yourself lots of time to rage & grieve. I went & had some reiki after mine & it made a massive difference. Helped clear away the anger I felt.

Not sure what to do about your Ds. I'd imagine he feels your hurt so wants to nurse coz he's only about 18 months old isn't he ? They're pretty sensitive at that age. My mw reckons alchohol slows down contractions so maybe a glass of wine ??? ( red of course for the iron







) Alternatively, using any of the herbs that are good for period pain or a nice warm compress may help. I used to have warm baths with a few drops of clary sage oil for period pain. Can you nurse him in the bath or is that wildly impractical? Other possibility a hot water bottle on your lower abdomen while you nurse him or one of those rice bag things if you've got a microwave.

Let us know how you get on & if you need any more specific questions answered. Ask.








OM


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

so sorry you're going thru this Ummnuh, no advice, lots of hugs


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is going to be a long road for you. Please know where here to listen whenever you need us.

OM had some very good information - thank you for sharing.

Gently,

Jacque


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry, this is an awful awful thing to go through. Being a total wuss I would just take some motrin or something and nurse anyways..have they given you anything for the pain or suggested anything?? I agree with OM, a warm compress of some kind would probably help a lot. A bath pillow thing will probably help if you nursed in the tub..

Any child would probably pick up on your sadness and want to be extra close to you.

I am so glad your family is supporting you, this is going to be very hard on you and you'll need the extra TLC.


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Hello. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I can just offer some love and support. I'm so glad you have a supportive family. Take good care, Abylite

(TCC, spirit baby lost on 12-24-02)


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

Thanks for your kindness and replies. They have told me I can take ibuprofen, but I have been choosing to just deal with the pain sensation, partly out of fear that I could be masking a bigger problem. I am going in today to have my hormone levels checked again, to see whether the baby is still developing, and from there will have to see the doc about how to end the pregnancy most safely. I'll be calling into work and cancelling the sitter, and Mom is coming into town again to help out.

I waited until dh got home yesterday to tell him. I'd been warned not to expect an emotional reaction from him...well, those warnings were wrong. He reacted strongly and emotionally, and we pretty much spent the evening together, crying and praying. It hurts a lot, but I feel peaceful through it. We are going to be OK, no matter what. This I just know.

Thanks again, and please keep my and this soul in your hearts.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this... but I am so glad that you listened to your body and went in to be checked out... this is awful but it would have been so much worse had it not been detected.

But your heart must be just breaking over this...

XM


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## SummerLover (Nov 19, 2001)

((((((Ummnuh and baby))))))

I'm so sorry. You'll both be in my thoughts.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

UmmNuh, You're right, you will be ok. You will make it through this. I can feel your strength as a mother. But please know, you can still cry, rage, or feel however you need to at the time. Our feelings can guide us to a greater healing.

I do agree that taking pain killers could mask a problem such as a possible rupture. Please, stay closely in-tune with the pain and go immediately to ER if it increases or changes.

Some suggestions for your nursling; Try offering some light snacks throughout the day to keep his tummy full. Try keeping him busy with drawing, reading and other quiet activities that you can stay close to him and give him the security he's looking for. I'm not big on Pacifiers, but in this case, that may be an option if feel ok with it.

I'll light a candle tonight for your precious spirit child. Again, I'm so sorry that you and your family have lost a child.

I read this poem many years ago about an ectopic pregnancy and it really moved me.

*Out of Place*

"out of place" is what the word "ectopic" means, and that's how I feel.

Out of place in a maternity ward seven months too soon.

Out of place with a doctor who doesn't seem to care at all.

Out of place in a world that thinks that I just had surgery, like getting my appendix out.

Out of place in a family where no one talks about anything emotional.

Out of place at work, where no one understands what I went through or asks about it, and everyone expects me to function as usual.

Out of place with friends who don't notice that I hurt.

Out of place in a culture that wants to ignore sadness and smile all the time about everything.

Out of place in a society that loves pregnant women, but only if their pregnancies work.

Out of place, even with other mothers who have lost babies, because, of course, I wasn't "really" pregnant.

But I was
I know that.
My baby knows that.

And my baby wasn't out of place to me.

_~~Marty Heiberg_

Gently,

Jacque


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

I had labs done again yesterday morning; the hormone was already decreasing. I guess the pain must have been related to my body's rejection of this baby. The doctor's office pretty much "swung into action," calling as soon as lab results came in, so I could get in immediately for the next step. I got a third set of labs done in the afternoon, to check my kidneys and liver, because they opted to give me methotrexate, which is a chemo drug.

Which means I have had to wean my son. We are now 24 hours without having nursed. My breasts are full, and he woke up 4 times last night, screamed and kicked for "bobo," and doesn't understand. This morning, he bit me. He has never bitten anyone--not since he was like 6 months old and teething and bit my nipple once.

I will not need surgery. The drug dissolves the tissue like a tumor, they said. I caught it quite early, so I am lucky to avoid the risk of rupture or surgery, both of which would have left me scarred on one side at the least. The doc says I can expect some pain coming up, and once I bleed, I'll have to wait three months to get pregnant, because of the medicine's half-life. And I'll have to go in next time at 6 weeks for an ultrasound, because I now carry a 20% chance of having this happen again.

It's nothing I did or didn't do, nothing I could have known or prevented, and just a part of my experience as a mother. Like OceanMomma said, though, it's hard having a termination--and weaning--forced on you. My husband brought home USA Today the day I found out, and they had the latest abortion stats in therer--and 11 out of 100 people polled apparently think I should sit home and wait for my tube to rupture rather than medically end this pregnancy, even if it could kill me. I've unfortunately not been able to put that thought down. Weird place to put my anger, I know.







But some people are so uninformed.

I know I have done the best I can to keep myself healthy, and to take good care of my family, and to keep my body intact, so that I still have a chance of carrying another little baby. I am disappointed that this time was not meant to be. I am a little scared about the odds of it happening again. But I am not discouraged. I am hopeful for our family.


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## seagan (Jul 5, 2002)

Oh, Ummnuh, you sound so wise and strong. (Not that you have to be, of course, just that I admire so much of what you wrote!)

And I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this, and the weaning on top of it. That must feel like so much, all at once. I hope you have people to lean on and the time and space to do things that can help you get through, whether that's meditation, journaling, walking, whatever. I know how hard that is to find with a toddler racing around, but I wish it for you just the same!

Thinking of you,
darcy


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## bluebird (Jan 7, 2003)

my thoughts and prayers are with you


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

Well, here's an update. I started bleeding about 24 hours after I got the shot. I coughed and thought I peed my pants, but it turned out I started bleeding. It's not heavy at all, but the abdominal pain is bothersome. I was not prepared to bleed so immediately, so I called the on-call nurse line. They out me through to the doc's answering service, where I got a very snotty callback after the second page from the doctor on call--just to make sure this was normal and see what I can take for pain that won't interact with the drug they gave me. He was really a jerk, and I felt bad for calling. I am going to bring it up when I go in for a blood draw on Monday. I said, "yes, I was treated yesterday with methotrexate," and he said,"for a pregnancy issue?" and I said "yes, ectopic," and he just was short with me like I was cutting into his special time or something...grrr.

So, anyway, it's pretty painful, and the abdominal pain is making me fearful of using the bathroom--worse than after I had ds. I'd like to take codeine, but I knw that can make constipation worse, which will only aggravate the cramping. Ugh. I'm going to sit around and drink herbal teas, but not the Tension Tamer, because for now I should avoid B vitamins...yep, this sucks. Can't even drink the tea I'd like. Dh took ds out for a ride, so I could get some rest. The house is a mess, and I am so sick of lying around in pajamas. I wish it didn't hurt, so I could get out and DO something. I cannot even carry the laundry to the basement.


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

(((((((((Ummnuh)))))))))) what a time you are having, it's all so hard, so many things at once

for pain, would you be able to use anti-inflammatories? they are used here for pain relief after c-births and are very effective in conjunction with a smaller dose of codeine to avoid constipation, might be worth asking?


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

UmmNuh, my heart is just breaking for you. This has to be so difficult and when a doctor is such a jerk it makes it worse. Remember, he CHOSE to be a doctor - you had an honest medical question and had EVERY right to call.

As for the statistic in the paper - please know that a tubular pregnancy is never viable - you did not 'Abort' your baby. You created and nurtured you precious baby for as long as you could. For reasons we'll never know, the baby attached wrong and could not be. It's random, it's sad, it's unfair. However, your body DID nurture this child and I know it feelt your love.

Regular Tylenol will not cause constipation. Or get some prune juice and down some with the codine - I like it warm with lemon in it. Also, Red Rasberry Leaf tea is a good choice in keeping yourself hydrated.

For your breast engorgement; try cool compresses and express small amounts to releive the hardness. If you don't express a small bit you could get a plugged duct - not enought to stimulate letdown, just releive the pressure. Cabbage leaves in your bra will also help. There's a substance in Cabbage that helps dry up the milk without plugging the ducts. It will be a bit smelly, but I know first hand that it works.

I've taken methotrexate for my Lupus. It's a very strong drug and can cause abdominal pain, nausia and vomiting, headaches, dizzyness and such. Please try to eat small amounts of food often to keep your stomach full - this will help the side effects.

Also, try to eat some foods high in iron like beets, spinach and red meats (if you eat them). You're body is loosing a lot of blood now.

Check with your Pharmacist on the half life of methotrexate. I was done nursing when I took it, but you may be able to nurse in 72 hours - but, PLEASE double check. The book Medication and Mother's Milk is also a good source. You can most likely find it at a local library and certainly at a LLL meeting.

Thinking of you and sending gentle healing vibes to you and your family.

Gently,

Jacque


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Ummnuh--I also had an ectopic pregnancy (almost exactly five years ago), and I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you. I've tried typing more, but nothing is coming out coherently tonight. Just know that my prayers are with you. And how dare that doctor be mean to you! We are all here to support you...

Ms. Mom--thank you for the poem

Love,
Katherine


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

Thanks again, sisters--and thanks a lot, Jacque. I'm trying to pay more attention to keeping hydrated and eating a little better. The stomach pain just seems to make the lower abdominal seem even worse.
Unfortunately, the doctor has pretty much said not to go back to nursing. I have to wait to ttc again for a good 3 months, to avoid potential birth defects. Methotrexate works by disabling folate. So I'll need time to get it out of my body and get those B's back in again, once my pg hormone gets down to below 5.
Better pain reliever choices are my first question when I go in tomorrow morning for the blood draw.
My breasts are much better today, and ds is rolling with it all pretty well. I told him that bobos are sick, and he gave them kisses and put them back to sleep. He's responding to backrubs and cuddling--it's just going to take time.
Thank you all so much for listening. A lot of people aren't good at it. My MDC friends always are...


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## beachmommy (Mar 21, 2002)

Oh, I'm sobbing for you as I read your posts. I am so so sorry. I just went the very same thing this month, and I understand all too well. It sounds like our situations are very similar, and perhaps even our older children are the same age. My dd is just over 18 months old and I too had to wean her due to the methotrexate injection. My dd took it well, thank goodness, but it hurt my heart badly. My doctor told me not to take any prenatal vitamins because the folic acid will keep the methotrexate from working, and not to take anything aspirin-related. I did bleed for quite a while, so this may happen to you too. But now just two weeks later I am already ovulating again, so feel assured that you'll be back on track too. It is so, so hard and I cried myself to sleep night after night. But I am much better now and you will be too, I know it. I am interested that your doctor advised waiting three full months to ttc again, as my doctor said only two months. I am going to ask her tomorrow at my appt. and be sure that I am being safe.

It just makes me so sad. And nervous for the future. But we will both make it through this and whatever lies in the future. Please PM me anytime if you want to talk to someone who has just experienced the same thing.

I'm sorry.
Stephanie


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## symbiosis (Dec 6, 2001)

(((((hugs)))))


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

Stephanie,

I am sorry to know you're going through this too. One thing we all gain in these situations is empathy. I wish you a speedy recovery and peaceful rest. Just what I wish for myself...

I plan to return to work next week, figuring I'll be through the worst by then. I find the pain is worse when I spend too long at a time sitting up or on my feet--and when I'm too busy to remember to take pain relievers. I haven't had anything so disabling happen in such a long time. I feel like I am sitting around being unproductive and lazy. This is where my mother is not helpful--she is always there to point out when, in her opinion, people are "milking" others' sympathy...I figured I won't call her for help this week.


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

Ummnuh please try to put such thoughts aside! you are going thru a tough time by anyone's standards, not "being lazy and unproductive", you need to rest and take care of yourself, regardless of what your mother might think. Please be kind to yourself.


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

Hi again. I am absolutely sure that the tissues that would have become my baby, under different circumstances, left my body yesterday. Obviously NOT a blood clot--looked a lot like chewed gum. There was a larger part and a smaller part and they were connected. A sad moment of separation. Was definitely not destined to ever become a baby, though. So there was peace in it.
The nurse called and said my numbers were down nicely just from Thursday to Monday, from 2000-somthing to 1300. I need a 15% reduction from Mon to Thurs to avoid another shot. I am confident I'll have 15% and more.
I'm really tired, and now my ds has a bad cold...but everything is all right. We are going to be OK. Wish it weren't below freezing out there, so we could get a walk or something...


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## simonee (Nov 21, 2001)

I just saw this thread... I'm so terribly sorry, UmmNuh...









You're dealing with it in such an admirable, strong and honest way. I know you'll be fine, but ohmy it's awful... sending you gentle healing vibes


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

(((((UmmNuh)))))

So, so sorry to learn of your loss ...

Sending you light & prayers for a _refu'ah shleymah_, a full healing for your body and for your broken heart ...

And my thoughts also going out to your DS ... how is he dealing with the unintended weaning?



















- Amy


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

Ds is weaning like such a brave little man. He occasionally pries my shirt open to kiss "Bobo," but has not tried to nurse. Poor little man. He is sleeping better and better at night.
I started working again yesterday. It's a real drag, but it's good to feel productive again.


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## TerryBerry (Jan 23, 2003)

UmmNuh, I'm so sorry you lost your baby. {{{HUGS}}}


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

UmmNuh, I've been wondering how your doing. Your son will make it through this because of your deep love and understanding for him.

How are you feeling? I know the emotions can be a rollercoaster ride. How is your body healing? Please continue to care for yourself.

How is your milk drying up? Please keep in-tune with your body now, you're at a higher risk for pluged ducts.

Your in my thoughts,

Jacque


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