# Disapproving older people



## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

What's the deal?

We were walking down the sidewalk on a nice summer evening last night and dd ran in front and asked if I'd pick her up. She's 3.5 yo, but still only 28 lbs, and when we are on long walks she generally gets tired the way small children do. They don't have the stamina of an adult, of course.

So I pick her up and carry her which, to be honest, I enjoy. I like having her up with our faces close together. We can talk easily and it's intimate and affectionate. I've never used a stroller or carrier of any kind, but have always just carried her in my arms.

An older couple sitting there looked at us as we walked by and the man started saying to dd "Get down and walk now! You're too old to be carried around like a little baby! Your mommy shouldn't have to carry you!"







:

Dd just looked at me with her eyes all wide, wondering if she was doing something wrong. I snuggled her and casually said "Oh no! Are you kidding? I love carrying my little girl! I want to be as close to her as I can get."

I've also had older people tell dd not to climb something (when I'd already told her it was okay), and to not interrupt when she was trying to tell me something.

I can't figure out whether people - as they grow older - just start to naturally believe they know best about raising kids and so think they have the obligation to offer their opinions to total strangers? Or whether it's some kind of generational thing in which that post WWII era crowd were raised with concept that everybody in society is obligated to discipline children in public, whether you know the kids or not.

Anyway, I just brush it off and don't pay too much attention. But it's interesting to me.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Dunno.









We had an encounter with a nun in a religious second hand shop this week. I found a dress for my daughter, but she didn't like it, and the nun went on and on about how could we let her be so stubborn









Different generation.


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## MilkTrance (Jul 21, 2007)

Goodness.

I had to comment on this thread because my friend has 3 under 5 and she gets comments ALL THE TIME. It doesn't help she looks younger than she is -- you know, because younger women should be criticized for everything, they must appreciate it. I don't know how she deals with it.


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## graymom (Jun 27, 2005)

I wonder what that couple would of thought if they ever saw me carrying
my 45 lb 3yo.?


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Goodness.... I think I might have burst into fake tears and started on a long story about how we hoped someday she would be able to walk again, and her wheelchair had broken, but she was so brave. Although I suppose that's not a very good example for a kid.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

OP, are you really young?

I'm not, and people have made maybe two comments like that since I've become a parent. Thought it might be where I live, which is a place where people know how to mind their own business!


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Actually I'm not. But people always seem to think I'm about 10 years younger than I really am. Probably because I'm petite and wear pony tails when I'm just out and about.

I could see someone in their 70s or 80s thinking I looked pretty young.


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## hippiemum21580 (Jul 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MilkTrance* 
Goodness.

I had to comment on this thread because my friend has 3 under 5 and she gets comments ALL THE TIME. It doesn't help she looks younger than she is -- you know, because younger women should be criticized for everything, they must appreciate it. I don't know how she deals with it.

nak
i deal with this constantly. i am 27 and have 4 boys ages spanning from 6 to newborn but i look about 20 years old at the most. i am always getting looks and often outright comments. i have even had an elderly lady tsk at me with a sad face and say STRAIGHT TO ME "babies having babies...i was just saying how sad it is to my friend." i smiled politly and informed her "oh, i am 25" (i was at the time) and she just looked at me like i was lying and walked away. grrr. i wanted to throw my shoe at her but i do not promote violence, esp towards the elderly....
i guess it really shouldn't bother me but it does. esp now my dh and i are seperated so i dont even have a wedding ring to wear. and when i am out with the babysitting charges plus my own (ages 4 months,3 yrs and 7 yrs) i can just imagine the thoughts.........


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I find that even some younger people make comments like the one made to the op, as if they think they're helping me. I find it rather annoying, and think you're pretty sweet to view it as "interesting."









I'm definitely not young, but I'm pretty child-led in my parenting. Meaning, if I see my child climbing or doing something that departs from the "usual," I'll ask myself if there's any reason why I should encourage her to stop or redirect her to something else.

Most of the time, I find there's really no reason, other than that it's not "usual," and maybe I was used to being stopped from behavior like that when I was a kid, so it feels "natural" to just rush in and stop my child. I'm learning, more and more, to restrain myself and just wait and see if what my child is doing is really a problem.

Maybe other people see my "wait and see" approach as an indication that I'm "not sure of myself as a parent." Some people think you need to be decisive, make snap judgments about what your kids can and can't do, and make them bend to your will. There doesn't have to be a "reason" why they have to quit digging in the mud: "I'm the mommy and that's all the reason you need."

I'm becoming increasingly decisive about my children having a right to explore the world freely, as long as no one's being harmed. So sometimes I have to speak up (as you did with that couple) and let people know that it's fine with me if my toddler wants to chew on a stick, for instance.

People think they're being helpful by rushing up and saying, "No, no!" to our kids. I think they're being annoying. But of course, I'd want someone to grab my child if she broke away from me and was standing in the path of a speeding semi, and that person was in a position to save my child and I wasn't.

I guess we all just have different thresholds for what causes us alarm or concern. I'd be alarmed if your child was about to get run over by a truck, but not if she was getting her wish to be carried. But some people think it's very, very dangerous for children to get what they want, and they want to save our kids from a life of self-indulgence. Whatever.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

: That's crazy!

I've never had anyone say anything to my kids. Dd is closing in on 3 1/2 (and is a hefty 35 lbs), and is carried quite often. It's getting hard for me to do it for long distances, but I'll do it for short ones. We took a hike yesterday and she rode about 1/2 the way on dh's shoulders (poor guy).

Actually the only time I've had anyone say anything is when our 6 year old was getting the stroller for his little sister (sometimes she likes to ride in it) - he is tall for his age, and someone looked at him and said "he's too big for that!" -- and they're right! He loves to push the stroller!









I wonder if it's regional? I just can't imagine anyone around here thinking it's OK to address a child like that!


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

I think it is a bit regional, actually. We just moved to the western US from the midwest and attitudes about children seem very different here. Much more like 'control your child' rather than the 'oh isn't that cute' that we're used to.

Last night we were at an outdoor restaurant and dd started making up this adorable song about 'mama loves me and I love mama and we are a family...' Dh and I were just beaming because she was so cute, but when I looked up, instead of happy smiles people were glaring at us







. Really, she was singing in a conversational level voice, not loud or disruptive. It surprised both of us quite a bit. I know back in our old hometown people would have just been watching with delight.

ETA: I see you're in the western US too, so maybe it's more particular to our small town than the region of the country.


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## gsmommy (Mar 13, 2006)

This drives me crazy! I just had this happen to me the other day. Dd and I were in Target and she was riding in the big part of the cart, which she prefers most of the time. As we were getting ready to go check out dd decided she wanted to stand in the cart. I really don't have a problem with this as long as she holds on the the sides for extra balance.

When she got to the checkout, the cashier asked my daughter to sit down and then proceeded to inform me that she had witnessed two children fall out of their carts on the floor. Amazingly, dd actually did sit, usually she starts to cry when a stranger corrects her. Anyway, of course, I don't want my daughter to get hurt but I'M THE MOM! If she got hurt, I would feel horrible, but I don't think it would be anything life threatening, after all she is over 3.

I think what irritates me the most is that I had made a conscience choice to let her stand and I don't like it when strangers question my judgement.

FWIW, I am in the midwest, but a big city (Chicago) so who knows about those small town theories.


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## bettysmom (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsmommy* 
When she got to the checkout, the cashier asked my daughter to sit down and then proceeded to inform me that she had witnessed two children fall out of their carts on the floor. Amazingly, dd actually did sit, usually she starts to cry when a stranger corrects her. Anyway, of course, I don't want my daughter to get hurt but I'M THE MOM! If she got hurt, I would feel horrible, but I don't think it would be anything life threatening, after all she is over 3.

To play devil's advocate ... In this situation, you are using the store's property in a manner that goes against the safety label that most carts have, and stores are very leery of lawsuits or bad publicity because of accidents. You know what your child is capable of, understands, etc., but the store can't know this about every child that comes in. IMO, the cashier was acting as a store employee trying to prevent an accident, not as a random stranger commenting on your parenting. I'm sure it was embarrassing to be reprimanded in this way, but personally, I think the cashier was within her rights to say something.


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## kkeris (Oct 15, 2005)

I get this ALOT and really wish these people would not be so rude (to my DD by saying stuff like that)! My DD is nearly 3 too, and she is a slightly bigger than most kids her age and will also asked to be carried when she is tired or just simply to get close. And I love carrying her and being so close to her







So many times we have encountered much older folks shaking their heads at her and telling her that she doesnt need to be carried cause she is so big. I always tell them "oh really? Who says? you? sorry but you are wrong. *insert smile*" and turn to me DD and tell her "its not true at all, we love to be close, dont we?" and we walk right off.


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## airmide_m (May 8, 2006)

I'm still TTC and dreading the comments people will make. I think I look too approachable or something, people are always trying to talk to me and I rarely want them to.







:

When I was little I got carried a lot, and a ton of people made comments about it to my mother and told me I was too big to be carried and stuff like that. And I had friends who were somewhere from a little to a lot younger than me and was always getting told not to carry them too. Of course I plan to carry my kids as much as I can! (which is part of why I'm going to the gym more often to prepare







)


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

I still carry my 4 1/2 yo quite often...I love it. When I was pregnant with my youngest, I was on modified bedrest and couldn't carry my oldest and it was heartbreaking for me. I want to carry him and hold him as long as I possibly can.

I have very fond memories of my father carrying me when I was 5yo. I think it's a way to be close and connected physically. If it isn't hurting the parent, I think it's wonderful.

My MIL has many opinions about what I do. I'm really working on just letting it roll. When it comes to parenting, everyone has an opinion and gets triggered when they see things that provoke their anxiety (for whatever reasons). I think it's a just part of the human condition. I try to focus on the challenge of dealing with my own reactions to it.


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## nascarbebe (Nov 4, 2006)

I live right smack in the midwest and there have been quite a few times where people have made comments to me. Just the other day DS, who had just turned 2. was standing in our booth at a restaurant and some older farmer came up to DH and DS while I was getting something and asked DH what he was going to do when DS fell down and broke his leg. DH just said, "take him to the hospital." The man shook his head and left.

We're in our early 30s and older people around here treat us like we don't know a thing about parenting.


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bettysmom* 
To play devil's advocate ... In this situation, you are using the store's property in a manner that goes against the safety label that most carts have, and stores are very leery of lawsuits or bad publicity because of accidents. You know what your child is capable of, understands, etc., but the store can't know this about every child that comes in. IMO, the cashier was acting as a store employee trying to prevent an accident, not as a random stranger commenting on your parenting. I'm sure it was embarrassing to be reprimanded in this way, but personally, I think the cashier was within her rights to say something.









:


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

I'll never understand why people feel the need to butt in. What's it to you if I hold my kid?







: They just wanna appear "smart" - and, really, if they feel that NEED, it's likely cuz they know they aren't.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Come to think of it, my elderly aunt and uncle help out in their niece's restaurant, and the last time I saw them they were expressing great angst about the way "parents these days just let their kids order whatever they want."

When my aunt or uncle take the order, if they know the kids are ordering way more than they can eat, they'll speak up and suggest that the parents just get half-orders, so it will cost less and there won't be so much food wasted. It makes them mad that many parents just decide to order the whole thing anyway, and say they don't mind paying for it even if it just gets thrown out.

While I'd probably get the half orders myself (less cost and all that) -- it beats me why my aunt and uncle'd care, since full orders mean more money for the restaurant. I guess it's just something about the depression era they grew up in.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I guess it's just something about the depression era they grew up in.


I think so too. I was raised by my Grandparents who were VERY VERY VERY firmly in the "clean your plate at all costs" club.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 
I think so too. I was raised by my Grandparents who were VERY VERY VERY firmly in the "clean your plate at all costs" club.

Yes, that's another thing that got my aunt and uncle going. The parents would let their kids order exactly what they wanted -- and then they'd let them stop eating when they were full. It really ticked off my aunt and uncle, that the kids weren't being forced to stuff it all down.


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## momma-d (Feb 2, 2007)

Ugh. This just happened to me the other day. I was in a fabric store with DD on my back in a carrier and a woman who worked there walked by me several times and commented about how must have wanted to get down. Huh? She was content, looking around...just hanging out. She's 12 months old...I suppose some people must see a cut-off date for carrying a babe...? I don't really understand how people work sometimes...
OP...that must have been frustrating in the sense that it had the effect on your DD that she was doing something wrong.







: It really gets my goat when strangers step in to comment on personal choices and, in doing so, affect our children with negativity...


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momma-d* 
Ugh. This just happened to me the other day. I was in a fabric store with DD on my back in a carrier and a woman who worked there walked by me several times and commented about how must have wanted to get down. Huh? She was content, looking around...just hanging out. She's 12 months old...I suppose some people must see a cut-off date for carrying a babe...? I don't really understand how people work sometimes...

My DD is 17 mos. and if anyone ever said that to me I WOULD take her down, and show them how much she "wants to walk" - she's scream "UP, UP, UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP" so loud that lady would never bother anyone again!







She LOVES her Kozy!


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

There's an older woman in our church who seeks us out to loudly denounce us for our parenting. Stupid stuff like "put some shoes on that baby!" or "Where's the blanket! That baby will freeze without a blanket" or talk directly to my kids about something they're doing "wrong".

I hate it. We avoid her at all costs now.


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

I dont know what to say-its usually my parents or in laws. ds, 4, said "dada-can I please haave some milk?" (We loooove "dada" its such a cute word)
mil said "DADA?! You arent a baby to say a word like Dada!" My jaw dropped open and I thought "Woman, if you ruin my little guys spirit for saying a term of endearment to his father, I am gonna kill you!" Ugh. I never have a clever comeback either.


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsmommy* 
This drives me crazy! I just had this happen to me the other day. Dd and I were in Target and she was riding in the big part of the cart, which she prefers most of the time. As we were getting ready to go check out dd decided she wanted to stand in the cart. I really don't have a problem with this as long as she holds on the the sides for extra balance.

When she got to the checkout, the cashier asked my daughter to sit down and then proceeded to inform me that she had witnessed two children fall out of their carts on the floor. Amazingly, dd actually did sit, usually she starts to cry when a stranger corrects her. Anyway, of course, I don't want my daughter to get hurt but I'M THE MOM! If she got hurt, I would feel horrible, but I don't think it would be anything life threatening, after all she is over 3.

I think what irritates me the most is that I had made a conscience choice to let her stand and I don't like it when strangers question my judgement.

FWIW, I am in the midwest, but a big city (Chicago) so who knows about those small town theories.

I am in FL, the lawsuit capital of the world, and I think thats a liability that they actually can tell your kid to sit down. (I let mine stand too)

I KWYM though


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I think a lot of the time these are inept attempts to connect with you and the child, and to be part of a community. I feel sad that the way people do this is through criticism and reproof. Whenever I can, I try to turn such interactions friendly by my response. I live in a pretty child-friendly area, though, and I think that helps a lot. I can't recall any totally negative interactions, so far, though at least one lady did shake her finger at my son when he was in the sling at a year old. I just talked with her and joked a little bit, and it was okay.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blessed* 
ETA: I see you're in the western US too, so maybe it's more particular to our small town than the region of the country.

That's funny, because I'm in the West, too, where I always assume everyone knows how to mind their own business (as stated previously). Just goes to show, those biases might not actually be based on anything at all!


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## ulla (Feb 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsmommy* 
This drives me crazy! I just had this happen to me the other day. Dd and I were in Target and she was riding in the big part of the cart, which she prefers most of the time. As we were getting ready to go check out dd decided she wanted to stand in the cart. I really don't have a problem with this as long as she holds on the the sides for extra balance.

When she got to the checkout, the cashier asked my daughter to sit down and then proceeded to inform me that she had witnessed two children fall out of their carts on the floor. Amazingly, dd actually did sit, usually she starts to cry when a stranger corrects her. Anyway, of course, I don't want my daughter to get hurt but I'M THE MOM! If she got hurt, I would feel horrible, but I don't think it would be anything life threatening, after all she is over 3.

I think what irritates me the most is that I had made a conscience choice to let her stand and I don't like it when strangers question my judgement.

FWIW, I am in the midwest, but a big city (Chicago) so who knows about those small town theories.

Nowadays shopping carts have a safety warning on the seat stating that children must be sitting properly in the seat and strapped in. The cashier was correct to tell you that is not allowed. It's a safety and liability issue. If the store has a clearly stated policy, as per the warning on the carts, then it's really not your call to overrule it. It's dangerous and, frankly, negligent to let your daughter stand up in the cart. That's an accident waiting to happen. This is a case where a child's wants really have go unfulfilled due to safety concerns.


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## AppleCrisp (Aug 19, 2005)

Almost all the public comments I've ever gotten were from elderly people. A lady at the supermarket came up to me just to tell me my infant son was uncomfortable in his carrier. And I have had elderly people ask me in public where his hat or shoes are.

Not that it doesn't drive me crazy, but I think sometimes older people don't realize how they sound or look. DH's grandfather sounds like he's angry and looks like he's angry all the time. But its because his vision is really bad, so he looks like he's frowning all day, and he is practically deaf, so he yells everything. He sometimes tries to imitate the baby to amuse him but he just scares him because instead of cooing and making baby noises, he's actually really loud and scary and has no idea! So I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes I think they think they're being nice or amusing, and don't realize they come across as angry.


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## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

I do think they may be trying to connect in some way. An older, but not elderly lady stopped me Sat to ask if i had forgotten to put sunscreen on DS, it was over 90 and he was flushed from the heat. After talking about this a bit, we turned it into joking about this poor little boy and how his mom was so mean to keep him out in the heat, we were all laughing, and actually it was great because I had been a little grumpy prior to that cause it was so danged hot and DS was being pokey. So it's what you do with it.


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## Sunmommy (May 25, 2007)

One time I was in the grocery store with my two kids. At the time my dd was 5 and my son had just turned 2. I only needed to run in and pick up a couple of items so I didn't get a cart...I was holding my son and occasionally putting him down when he wanted to look at something. Well, when we got to the checkout I put him down so that I could get my money out or something and he started picking up the candy bars that were near the checkout.

I was about to pick him back up when this elderly woman got right in his face and said (and I will never forget it) "you're a BAD boy. You should be helping your mommy. You don't pick up things that don't belong to you." It was so random and my son's face just fell...I picked him up and started kissing him and saying "I love you..you have been helping mommy, right, etc". I couldn't think of anything to say to her b/c I was so shocked...I just glared at her and I had tears in my eyes so I think she got the message.

It was so sad. Like I said my son was only 2 but he looked like he was about 15-16 months (he has always been small and has a real baby face).

I've gotten some other minor rude remarks but NOTHING like this.


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## lesmac (Dec 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ulla* 
Nowadays shopping carts have a safety warning on the seat stating that children must be sitting properly in the seat and strapped in. The cashier was correct to tell you that is not allowed. It's a safety and liability issue. If the store has a clearly stated policy, as per the warning on the carts, then it's really not your call to overrule it. It's dangerous and, frankly, negligent to let your daughter stand up in the cart. That's an accident waiting to happen. This is a case where a child's wants really have go unfulfilled due to safety concerns.

Accidents waiting to happen are ppl who d/n even bother to try and contain their children to a shopping cart. I think that whoever said it above is right; ppl think that the best way to connect w/ others is by being negative.

I basically gave birth to a monkey 20 months ago, and if the seat doesn't have a 9-point harnes & a roll of duct tape, she can wrangle out of it in under five seconds. She was 8-months old the first time she stood up in the bucket & tried to dive into the back. Our pediatrician told us that it was MUCH safer for her to be in the back of the cart, as it's lower to the ground & would be more difficult for her to topple out of. She also told me to tell anyone who felt the need to comment on this that "our doctor told us this is the safest place for her" and that she'd write out a "prescription" if it really bothered us. (It doesn't.)

Seriously, you're damned if you do & damned if you don't. If I leave her in the bucket, she bucks & screams & everyone stares at me like I'm the worst parent on the planet for not "controlling" my child. If I put her in the back, everyone stares at me like I'm the worst parent on the planet for not caring enough to strap her in.

Of course, truly, the safest place for her is on my back, in a mei tai (or at home playing w/ my husband while i run errands). Literally every time we are out, someone stops me to comment. Only once has it been a "oh, she's too old for that!" (And that was after they had to ask, b/c she's a peanut.) Everyone else thinks it is "adorable", "darling", "simply wonderful to see a mom who loves being so close to their baby." We live in Metro Detroit, but in a pretty laid back area, so long as you think that it is.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 
Dunno.









We had an encounter with a nun in a religious second hand shop this week. I found a dress for my daughter, but she didn't like it, and the nun went on and on about how could we let her be so stubborn









Different generation.

I would have asked her when the Vatican started allowing nuns to marry and/or bear children.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bettysmom* 
To play devil's advocate ... In this situation, you are using the store's property in a manner that goes against the safety label that most carts have, and stores are very leery of lawsuits or bad publicity because of accidents. You know what your child is capable of, understands, etc., but the store can't know this about every child that comes in. IMO, the cashier was acting as a store employee trying to prevent an accident, not as a random stranger commenting on your parenting. I'm sure it was embarrassing to be reprimanded in this way, but personally, I think the cashier was within her rights to say something.


I totally agree. I was walking down the aisle in a store and actually caught a child going headfirst out of a cart. The mother glared at me and I said, "Oh should I have let her hit the floor?" She turned away and growled, "thanks".

Too many irresponsible parents ruin it for the rest.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I think in your case, that was way out of line. Ive never actually experienced something so nosey and rude.

But, I have also seen cases where the older person was right. Last night at the library, there was a mother with three boys. All three were small, but looked older than their size... so I am guessing the youngest was three and the oldest was six.

The three boys had lots of energy. BUT they worked out their energy by running up and down the isles with each other and laughing LOUD, even shreaking when one brother would jump out in front of the other two. (this was in the adult side of the library)

It was annoying to say the least.

Several older couples, myself, and a few college students were trying to find books and finally, one of the men TOLD the boys very firmly but not at all rude, to go find their parents and stop running in that isle.

The man was completely right. The kids were rude, and disrespectful... but, more importantly, the mother was rude. She didn't care that her kids were doing that to us.

I was getting in my car, and leaving the parking lot, when the three boys came out of the library, and two of them JUST missed being run over because as soon as they got outside, they took off running into the parking lot. Fortunatly the two cars going opposite directions were not going very fast. But BOTH had to slam on their brakes to avoid hitting them.

The same man who told them to "Go find your parents" was one of the drivers in the parking lot who almost ran the boys over.

He rolled down the window and said something that appeared to be rude to the mom.

But, again, he was right. (I have no idea what he said though)

I doubt the Mom thought the older man (late 40s) was right, she probably thought he should mind his own business, some parents think that others should stay out of it no matter what... but sometimes it is so invasive to others that I think adults have every right to say something.

Just not "you should walk, you are too big". I would have been kinda shocked if someone said that. Maybe he is just naturally cranky.

Also... YES, as we get older, we do kinda lose patience for other people's kids, loud cars, barking dogs.... etc. (at least that is what my husband tells me)


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Quote:

mil said "DADA?! You arent a baby to say a word like Dada!"
That's awful. What's he supposed to say? "Father, dear"????

I still call my dad "Daddy", and I'm 25. And we all call dh "Baba".


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
I doubt the Mom thought the older man (late 40s)...

Oh my.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
That's funny, because I'm in the West, too, where I always assume everyone knows how to mind their own business (as stated previously). Just goes to show, those biases might not actually be based on anything at all!









Oh how true! I'll shut up about regional stereotypes!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Also... YES, as we get older, we do kinda lose patience for other people's kids, loud cars, barking dogs.... etc. (at least that is what my husband tells me)

My mom always said that when your kids are little, you have the grace to deal with the age child you have, but once your kids are past that age, you do lose that to some extent. It doesn't mean that you can't have empathy, but the true tolerance (or maybe obliviousness?) is harder to muster!

As for barking dogs, I've NEVER had tolerance for that - I'm sound defensive and it goes right to my core!


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## sphinx (Mar 13, 2003)

this topic... i could go on and on and on.

just yesterday a 60-something woman actually leaned over my body and pushed my (2.9 yo) son's shoulder and told him he had to sit on the metro seat, then started yelling at me b/c i let him stand -- *by the way - he had JUST stood up, i didn't have a chance to say a word to him before she reached out from behind me and pushed him. The fact was that she was watching him/me like a hawk to make sure i force my children to conform to her social rules - probably b/c i look young and my children were chatty on the morning metro, which is usually as quiet and moody as a morgue.

Last weekend we were waiting for the tram to go home, the children had just been on a 3 hour bus ride and were hungry and tired. DS was poking at and hit DD (she's 5 years older), I went to comfort DD and tried to help her defuse her desire to hit him back. This woman watching the scene started yelling at DS and shook her fist at him and told him that she was going to hit him if he kept looking at her "like that" (the look was, i guess a look of shock and wonder). Then yelled at me that he was a spoiled brat because I didn't beat him for hitting his sister. No point in talking to these insane people.

ugh.

that's enough for tonight.


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## CheapPearls (Aug 7, 2007)

I can only think of one time I've had a "you're a bad mom" type comment and it wasn't even made to me, but rather my friend.

I was visiting my best friend who at the time was living with her DH and his parents. It was November so just starting to be really cold at night but fairly okay during the day if you had a light jacket on. I wasn't planning on staying as long as I did so when I left it was pretty darn cold. Ds#1 was 8 months old at the time and he had on jeans, a shirt and a zip up sweater, which was fine for when the sun was out but when we left it was cold and windy. I had to walk a whole 10 feet to get to the car and held him close to me.

Later my friend told me that once I left her MIL told her that she wouldn't be surprised if ds died of pneumonia before winter was over.







I mean seriously?! It's not like I had him in just a diaper and was going to be outside for 3 hours. I was just a little unprepaired once for the weather. Ds#1 did survive the winter without even getting a cold.









She is psycho anyway. She ended up actually attacking my friend screaming something about releasing the demons within her.







:


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 

My mom always said that when your kids are little, you have the grace to deal with the age child you have,

That is true. I could never tolerate teenagers until mine was a teen. I remember wishing the big kids would all get out of the McDonalds play place so my toddler could play in peace, then she WAS a big kid, and I felt differently. Now she is a teen, and I adore teenagers.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sphinx* 
Last weekend we were waiting for the tram to go home, the children had just been on a 3 hour bus ride and were hungry and tired. DS was poking at and hit DD (she's 5 years older), I went to comfort DD and tried to help her defuse her desire to hit him back. This woman watching the scene started yelling at DS and shook her fist at him and told him that she was going to hit him if he kept looking at her "like that" (the look was, i guess a look of shock and wonder). Then yelled at me that he was a spoiled brat because I didn't beat him for hitting his sister. No point in talking to these insane people.
.

THAT sounds like the kind of unbalanced person everybody should just walk away from. I wouldn't even have confronted her, I would just get far away from her.

That's too bad your kids had to experience that.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sphinx* 
this topic... i could go on and on and on.

just yesterday a 60-something woman actually leaned over my body and pushed my (2.9 yo) son's shoulder and told him he had to sit on the metro seat, then started yelling at me b/c i let him stand -- *by the way - he had JUST stood up, i didn't have a chance to say a word to him before she reached out from behind me and pushed him. The fact was that she was watching him/me like a hawk to make sure i force my children to conform to her social rules - probably b/c i look young and my children were chatty on the morning metro, which is usually as quiet and moody as a morgue.

Last weekend we were waiting for the tram to go home, the children had just been on a 3 hour bus ride and were hungry and tired. DS was poking at and hit DD (she's 5 years older), I went to comfort DD and tried to help her defuse her desire to hit him back. This woman watching the scene started yelling at DS and shook her fist at him and told him that she was going to hit him if he kept looking at her "like that" (the look was, i guess a look of shock and wonder). Then yelled at me that he was a spoiled brat because I didn't beat him for hitting his sister. No point in talking to these insane people.

ugh.

that's enough for tonight.

Whoa! That's appalling! I can't imagine a stranger shaking their fist at my child. You are very calm, I seriously would probably have hit her.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

What an odd thing to comment on. Kids DO get tired, so what?

It reminds me of our next-door neighbors who threatened to call the SPCA on us because we didn't walk our dog. A) He had a huge yard to play in and B) He was about 16 years old and suffering arthritis. Anytime we went on a walk we ended up carrying him back.







People just have to get upset about something, I guess.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

And it's not always just older people who are negative and busybodies. Our neighbor's niece lives with her; I think she's about 13 and sometimes she comes over to play with my 7yo.

She's informed dd that "everytime I come to your house, I get sick -- even if i just play in the yard." So quit coming already! She's also told dd that "if you and your little sister keep playing in the water everyday, you're going to get pneumonia."

This chick may be somewhat influenced by her older relatives, although the ladies in that house are always polite to my face. The younger children who live in that house sometimes come and play, and are usually reprimanded when they come home wet or muddy.

IMO, it's pretty unrealistic to expect small children to play in a yard with a kiddie pool and tons of beautiful, gushy mud, and just stay out of it and keep clean -- but whatever floats your boat!







:

The teenaged chick has informed dd that her little cousins get mosquito bites when they play in our yard. I don't see why they wouldn't! We get bitten, too. Big deal. It's part of summer and the outdoors. But we're certainly not forcing them to come over.

At first, when dd told me about all the [email protected] this chick was dishing out, I wanted to scoop her out of my coop (with a poop scoop) and not have her back. But she doesn't come that often -- and she and dd enjoy playing together when she does come. Dd isn't too upset about any of it.


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## WhaleinGaloshes (Oct 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
...She's also told dd that "if you and your little sister keep playing in the water everyday, you're going to get pneumonia."

This chick may be somewhat influenced by her older relatives, although the ladies in that house are always polite to my face.


I suspect that she is very influenced by the adults in her family, and if so they are doing her the double disservice of not only filling her ears with judgemental messages about the neighbors and letting her embarrass herself by repeating them, but also hanging her out to dry by not having the guts to say the same things themselves.

I say this because I was the little prepubescent girl that put my foot in my mouth by repeating the (I realised too late) obnoxious, superior, judgemental things my parents told me about others. In my house it was a way of re-directing my questions instead of actually answering them: "can I play outside in the water?"... "No" ..."the neighbors are playing"..."that's nuts; they're going to get pneumonia; every time you go over there you get sick and ..."







: Needless to say, it is something I have vowed not to repeat in my household.

Oh, and yeah, my parents would never have let on that those ideas had come from them; they played it innocent and acted embarassed by me instead.







:







:


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Well, the girl does seem to have some awareness that her comments are obnoxious. I mean, she says them to dd, not directly to me. Hmmm, maybe I should let her know I don't appreciate her bringing up these things to dd, and that if she has concerns about my parenting, then I'M the one she should talk to, not dd.

Maybe this will help her realize her comments are being passed on.


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