# I'm a little bit hurt. Maybe I shouldn't be?



## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I am dealing with so much right now and I just don't need anything else to "deal" with.

I found out today that "people" have been speculating about who was at fault for Reagan's death. I think I'm more than a little bit hurt (I'm still trying to process what they said), I think I'm really hurt.

The fact is is that I had a placental abruption, something that cannot be predicted or prevented, which caused Reagan's death. No dr. or nurse or other member of the medical profession was responsible and I will not place blame on anyone. This was like being struck by lightning. It can happen to anyone at anytime. I don't feel the need to blame anybody and so I don't understand why others feel like they need to blame someone. My OB took excellent care of me during my pregnancy and I have no regrets. In the end, his partner ended up saving my life and I'm very, very thankful for that.

I guess I understand why they would be upset w/something they think could've been prevented, but I'm hurt that they would take their anger out on the people that took the best care of me.

I just needed to verbalize what I've been thinking all day. Thanks so much for reading.


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## crazy_eights (Nov 22, 2001)

I think it is the nature of the society we live in to look for someone to blame. It is part of a culture where a good outcome is assumed - and if there isn't one, well, many assume it MUST be someone's fault.

Unfortunately, there are still "acts of G-d", even in our day and age, things that defy all logic and rules.

Be easy with yourself and try to tune out the rumormongers around you. Perhaps a well placed word with a friend ("It was a rare occurance that could happen to anyone and I fault no one") could quash rumors that it is someone's 'fault'?


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## luvmy3boys (Sep 16, 2003)




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## LadyMarmalade (May 22, 2005)

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry. I think your hurt is definitely valid.

Sometimes when we lose something so precious without a reason it's really hard to not want to lay blame ... I'm not excusing what people have said, but I think I remember reading once that it's a sort of primal instinct - to find reason or search for meaning for what happened. Like Chava said, it's hard for us to accept things which defy logic in today's society. That doesn't help your aching heart, though.

It's very hard to do, but just ignore them - you need to focus on you at the moment, not them. Much easier said than done, though.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Love and Healing to you sweet mama!!!!


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## ladybugchild77 (Jun 18, 2004)




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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

I agree with the PP that people feel like there has to be a "reason" and someone to blame. Otherwise they would have to acknowledge that it could happen to them too, and most people are not at all comfortable with that.

People sometimes ask me if I plan to sue my OB and/or the hospital, since I had a uterine rupture (causing a placental abruption) in the hospital while attempting a VBAC. My OB did nothing wrong, in fact he did everything I asked him to do, but attitudes like that are why it is so hard to find an OB willing to do VBACs.







:


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *egoldber*
I agree with the PP that people feel like there has to be a "reason" and someone to blame. Otherwise they would have to acknowledge that it could happen to them too, and most people are not at all comfortable with that.

I think she hit the nail on the head. Even people who have never lost a baby are still very much affected by the loss of a friend's or relative's baby, and often have a hard time coping with it. It's easy to get caught up in your own pain and fear, and forget about the feelings of those who were more closely affected by the tragedy.


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

I agree with what everyone has said. I think it makes people feel better if they have someone to blame. Even if it could not have been prevented.

Hope they will come to realize this over time.

Patti


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

No, you should be hurt. Because you dont need deal with other peoples issues right now. You have your own sticky mess that you are trying to work your way out of.

Shame on whoever is upsetting you.

I also have been very very hurt by people I "love", who chose to let their own anger take over and place blame and not focus on just supporting me. Because ultimatly that is all we need and can handle right now, we just need people to be gentle and kind and loving.

I think for many people it is easier to place blame and be angry at "someone" instead of just accepting that really really bad things happen that ultimatly no one has control over. And I also believe it gives them a scapegoat, so they dont have to face the raw and painful emotions and feelings that surface as a result of what happened.


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## becca011906 (Mar 29, 2004)




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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Thanks everyone for your responses.







s

You're all right. The "blame" issue is very common in these situations. I just wish I didn't have to hear about it b/c it has really hurt. Nobody has gone so far as to say we should sue someone but I'm sure that will come up at some point as well. Anyway, thanks for listening. I knew you would all understand.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Hugs







s Amy! I agree with everyone here. In order to find answers, people want to place blame. It is human nature.
I am sorry that you are dealing with it, as if you do not have enough to deal with already.
Know you are not alone. Hugs & Love


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## chubbycheeks (Jan 10, 2004)

Hugs Amy. I too, went through something like this after DS birth. I had some complications after his birth and everyone was so quick to blame the DRs and nurses for what happened when in reality it was just one of those things that sometimes happens unfortunately. I was hurt (and mad) as well, because I too was so thankful to the hospital staff for all that they did to make my recovery easier. Anyway, not sure this helped, just felt I need to reply and tell you that I was thinking of you and you have every right to be upset and hurt.


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

I am so sorry that on top of grief and all of the other challenges that you are dealing with this. That you are even hearing about it is so bad. I also had a similar situation and all I can tell you is that eventually it won`t bother you as much as it does now, no matter what people speculate. My son died from a severe birth injury in a planned homebirth so I even had people in my dh`s family blaming me for choosing to be at home. Now I`ve forgiven those people, they were ignorant and now that time has passed , they know it. Nobody is hurting as much as you and your dh, but others are hurting and unfortunately they flail around for answers for things they know nothing about. I think most people mean well though. I hope this gets easier for you soon.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I'm sorry people are doing that... You have every right to be hurt...I know I am when people question why I want to go back to the same ob and same hospital for the next baby...people are pulling the lawsuit card on us too. And people are begging us and bugging us for answers, and there just aren't any. And it does hurt... You have every right to be hurt.

And I also wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you on the one month anniversary today...


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

First,







s to you, Ally. Thanks for thinking about us today. You are never far from my thoughts and prayers, mama.







s

I know people have good intentions but don't you wish they'd keep their opinions to themselves?


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## KYCat (May 19, 2004)

People should definitely keep their opinions to themselves when people are grieving! I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My family and friends are all waiting to hear from the autopsy why we lost Finn and it makes me mad. It makes me mad because it feels like they want a reason so that it can be "ok" but it won't ever be ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shelter yourself from these people and be gentle with yourself.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KYCat*
It makes me mad because it feels like they want a reason so that it can be "ok" but it won't ever be ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!









s


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Most people have real trouble accepting that shit happens. I've already had people mention getting "a better" OB and blaming mine for the fact that I went into DIC after a D&C. I have an awesome OB, she stayed with me, she worried and she did everything right--I'm alive and survived something I could easily have died.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I agree with everyones take on society's blame mentality. When something devastating like this happens, people wnat something or someone to blame, not wanting to look at the fact that shit happens, and it happens to people that we know and love. And then, if they go there, then they have to wrestle with the fact that if it can happen to them, then it can happen to me. and people just dont want to do that or go there.

And when dealing with prgenancy related issues like yours (and the other recent birth issues of MDC mamas), people really freak, because society would like to think that in this day and age, stuff like this doesnt or shouldnt happen.

No one should be laying their crap on you mama, and I am so sorry that they are. You should only have to be dealing with your grief and sadness, not what others are thinking.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Thanks, sweetbaby3. I am making it my mission to make people aware that babies die and sometimes mothers still can die in childbirth even though this is the 21st century. People are afraid to talk about it, I think, and I want to make it "un taboo" just so people are educated about this.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shannon0218*







Most people have real trouble accepting that shit happens. I've already had people mention getting "a better" OB and blaming mine for the fact that I went into DIC after a D&C. I have an awesome OB, she stayed with me, she worried and she did everything right--I'm alive and survived something I could easily have died.









s There was nothing anyone could've done differently, Shannon.







s


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

If i may add a bit more....

Amy, you know that I have cared for mamas in the ICU for reasons other than DIC....pulmonary or amniotic embolism, heart attacks secondary to massive blood loss, strokes, you name it.

Family and friends of these women simply cannot wrap their heads around this! Young and healthy mamas do not "code" they do not bleed so much that they need to be on life support! Mommies do not get blood clots in their lungs or in the umbilical cords! Mamas with PIH do not go into heart failure! And what the hell is HELLP????

C-sections should save a life not have them throw a clot! Or hemorrhage!

Only stupid people that play with guns, or run with bad crowds, or dont buckle up and drink and drive wind up in the ICU!!!

Somethings we can help or prevent, but many things no matter the hospital, the doctor or the care you receive can prevent some bad things from happening.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

And I wouldn't have realized that either before it happened to me.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)




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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mom2six*









I think it is the nature of the society we live in to look for someone to blame. It is part of a culture where a good outcome is assumed - and if there isn't one, well, many assume it MUST be someone's fault.

Unfortunately, there are still "acts of G-d", even in our day and age, things that defy all logic and rules.

Be easy with yourself and try to tune out the rumormongers around you. Perhaps a well placed word with a friend ("It was a rare occurance that could happen to anyone and I fault no one") could quash rumors that it is someone's 'fault'?


Well, you know what really gets me is when people blame God. There is not a logical or"act of God" reason for everything in life. Some things just happen, and we have no control. Please, lets not add that equation to her hurt. When we are in pain, blaming God makes it near impossible to recieve comfort from him. Just my 2 cents.Do with it what you like.

Reagan, I felt similar after my c-sections, with my MIL blaming my doctor(this was my first section, when dd was breech and just not showing any signs of coming out at 44 weeks after trying everything!even the doctor actually turning her, her turning back, EVERYTHING you could think of to start labor, etc) It didn't help me process things at all. Because I felt , besides his lack of bedside manner, that my doctor had been WONDERFUL. I felt he saved my baby because she wasn't coming out on her own. And MIL was putting all kinds of doubts in my head, which didn't help my emotional recovery. So, all that to say, what you are feeling is perfectly legit. You have a right to feel that way. My second OB was also wonderful, let me go 42+ weeks trying for a VBAC, nd let me do all natural stuff, refuse tests- etc, and I had a section again. I think some things in life just happen, and there isn't ever really a valid explanation and trying to find reason in it just complicates things. You have enough to deal with.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.


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## butterfly_mom (Sep 8, 2005)

Sorry to hear you have to deal with that on top of your grief. It is part of human nature. Hugs to you.

Liz


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