# It's been one month today...



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## Avalon (Dec 13, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had the perfect thing to say to make it feel better, but I don't. Wish I could give you a big hug. There are quite a few amazing women on these boards who have experience with this kind of pain, I hope they see your post. Concider yourself hugged.
Warmly, Zoe


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry. I doubt this will help, but you didn't fail her. ((((Xiola'sMomma))))


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Xiola'sMomma, I'd like to extend a warm and gentle welcome to you. I'm so very sorry that such a sad time brought you here.

Thank you for sharing your dear child with us. I got teary eyed as I read your story and felt the love you and her daddy have for her.

You have so much that your going through right now. It's one of the most diffucult losses you'll ever experience. Please feel comfortable to share and learn here. We have many momma's who have had similar losses and are willing to share with you.

I lost my first child at 38 weeks. The placenta abrupted and her oxygen supply was cut off - she was born still. The months that followed were so difficult.

Your so close to this pain right now. Please know that what your feeling is very normal - you do own your feelings and you have a right to them. I'm so thankfull that we have this forum to share thoes feelings in a safe and loving place. Don't be surprised by any feelings that come. You may be fine one moment, then filled with rage the next. Go with what your feeling and let it guide you.

I can relate to your feelings that you somhow failed. I too felt that for a very long time. I won't tell you how to feel, but as I read your story the one thing that stood out the most is how you cared for you daughter from the moment you knew she was there. She felt that deep love.

Please feel free to email me [email protected] or PM me any time. I have a great deal of information on loss and greif and would be happy to share with you any way I can.

Your in my thoughts.

I really found comfort in the National Share organization www.nationalshareoffice.com/

The following are books I've read and found very healing.

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart : Surviving the Death of Your Baby
by Deborah L. Davis,Phd

Empty Arms : Coping After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death
by Sherokee Isle

When a Baby Dies : The Experience of Late Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Neonatal Death
by Nancy Kohner, Alix Henley

Miscarriage &#8230;Women Sharing From the Heart
By Marie Allen, Ph.D. & Shelly Marks, MS

When Hello Means Goodbye
By Pat Schweibert, RN and Paul Kirk, MD

When Men Grieve - Why Men Grieve Differently and How You Can Help
By Elizabeth Levang, PhD

Limits of Miricles - Poems about the Loss of Babies - Marion Deutche Cohen

I Knew You For A Moment
By Pregnancy & Infant Loss Center

*A MOTHER'S LOVE*

I didn't have to look into your eyes
to fall in love with you.

I didn't have to hear you cry
to know you loved me too.

I didn't need to hold your hand
to cherish you for always.

Within my womb, we shared our hearets.
You touched my soul.
You sweetened my spirit.
You gave me memories I'll always hold dear.
Yes, my heart aches since you departed too soon.
But a mother's love does not end with death.
For you are my child.
Forever my love is yours.

--Kathy Schmucker


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## realramona (Nov 22, 2001)

(((Xiolasmomma)))


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## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Xiolasmom,

After 10 years the death of my daughter still makes no sense to me. Some days all I know is that I loved her and that is all I have.

I know the incredible agony of birthing a still baby, and all that comes after it. I offer you my deepest empathy and my experience to the point that you will know that you are not alone in this pain.

I pray for you to remember her as a joyous part of your life, and to slowly let go of the pain of her birth/death.

All my love to you and yours.

Randee


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Randee - I havn't seen you around in some time. Thank you for your loving words. I think so many can find comfort in them. Your a lovely person!


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## LEmama (Nov 21, 2001)

(((Xiolasmom))) My heart is with you. I wish could offer something to ease your pain. Allow yourself the time and space to remember and cherish your daughter. Hold her close. There is no 'letting go', only finding peace. Keep sharing your story and seeking out love and support. One book I found very comforting is Ended Beginnings: Healing Childbearing Losses by Panuthos & Romeo. Take care, dear mama...


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## Skyemama (May 6, 2002)

My daughter was still born 8 years ago in July. It seems like yesterday. Remember that there is no wrong way to grieve, allow yourself to feel, and it was in no way your fault. I still think of my daughter every day. Much love to you.


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## newmomlearning (Jan 10, 2002)

((((Xiolasmom))))

There are no words I could possibly write that could ease your pain. Please know that I am thinking of you today & sending my wishes for the healing of your's and your Dh's heart.


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## onehipmomma (Nov 19, 2001)

(((((Xiolasmom))))

Welcome! I wish that you were here for happier reasons, however, I think that you will find that this is a great place to get the support that you need as you begin your healing journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

You women are all amazing.

I'd like to welcome Skyemama to Mothering - I see your new. I hope you get the love and support you need from Mothering.

My daughter was born still 8 years ago last December and like you I still feel close to thoes feelings.

Love and gentleness to you all.


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## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sending you healing thoughts and saying a prayer of healing for you.


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## Brandonsmama (Dec 25, 2001)

I am sending you loving and peaceful thoughts tonite. Grief knows no timeline, it progresses differently for each of us. I hope you find your path to peace. Hugs, Sandi


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## lisamarie (Nov 19, 2001)

Thank you for coming here and sharing your dear child with us. My heart goes out to you and your family, please know that we care and send you hugs and healing.

Much Love~

Lisa:better


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Xiola'sMomma,

Thank you for letting us know how you are. I've been hoping your well. Your pain is still so fresh. I think you'll find as time goes on that the pain dosn't pack the same intensity, but that Xiola's memory will always be one you'll want to celebrate.

I wrote this 3 months after I lost Amanda.

_*The Childless Mother wakes slowly,
Savoring the Numbness fo Mourning.

She pretends not to remember,
That today is Mothers Day.*_

You are a mother, but your arms are empty and your heart is heavy. Please know that we do understand and care. I think back on the pain I had 8 years ago and it's overwhelming. But, as much as I'd like to take that pain away from you, I know you must feel it, own it and move through it on your journey.

I always light a candle on Mothers day for Amanda - In that light will also be Xiola. If you can, make a ritual for yourself; a clam bath with relaxing tea, light a candle, Plant some flowers in a small garden for you, spend some time in quiet reflection. Remember not to force yourself to do anything your not ready for. Take the time you need to move through your mourning.

Sending loving and gentle thoughts to you.


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## Skyemama (May 6, 2002)

Jacque- You always have the most beautiful things to say.

Xiola'sMomma, Remember too that you _are_ a Momma.
That was such a struggle for my identity.
I am so proud of you for already seeing the beautiful gifts that Xiola is bringing to you.
When I told you before that it seems like yesterday I want you to know that the pain is not the same. In fact whenever I think of her a little smile comes to me. She is truely my angel and a source of comfort for me. Occasionally the tears come, but they are almost refreshing to my soul. I still have her little blanket, dress and her "Certificate of Life" in my bedroom. I promise the love will never fade, but the pain will.
Do you have something that you hold onto that was hers?


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## LEmama (Nov 21, 2001)

Xiola'smomma -
I am happy that you can recognize Xiola's gifts, and how her life has transformed you. She will continue to live in you and shape your life.

When I think of my son, Henry, I feel love and gratitude. He gave us so much.

Time will heal. Wishing you peace


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm reading your words now and remembering thoes first months without Amanda. I can understand so much of what your saying and have felt similar to you.

I'd like to suggest something to you. Have you written about your experience? One day in the shower words just flowed from me. I got out and typed over 50 pages about my daughter. How badly we wanted her, her pregnancy, the dreams I had of being a mother to her.

Many mothers find it healing to write a letter to the child they lost - saying goodby. It's very emotional, but cleansing.

Your deep in my thoughts as you move throught your greif.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## Skyemama (May 6, 2002)

My thoughts on the ashes... Give yourself some time, don't feel rushed. That is so awesome that your husband is a glass blower and he can make an urn. I ordered mine from a company called Perinatal Loss. I feel like I knew when it was time to let them go. It could take months and it could take years, just don't let yourself feel pressured. The right time will come and you will know. That is one of the more difficult things to do.
Your spirits sound like they have lifted a bit, that makes my heart smile.
Blessings and healing to you both.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## Skyemama (May 6, 2002)

I was ready to let the ashes go after about 4 or 5 years, it's been 8. However, I actually still have them. My daughter's father and I are no longer together, although we are still dear friends, and we agreed to let them go on his family's land in Kentucky. He currently lives in Hawaaii and I live in Florida. We are just waiting until we can both get out to Kentucky at the same time so that we can have a ceremony. I am ok with still having them and I am ok with letting them go. I know that the ashes are not her, but they are still her body. The small beautiful baby that I held limply in my arms on that sad and sunny day. That face that looked exactly like my own, that precious baby girl that will forever be burned into my eyes and my mind. I still have her spirit with me, it's the vessell with the sounds and the smiles and the hugs that went away. That is what the ashes are to me, symbolic of what I lost. What I find solice in is what I gained. I gained a daughter, a wonderful spirit that has taught me more than could ever be described. She taught me what love really feels like, down to the core. She offers me strength when I think I have none. She protects her brother and watches over him constantly. She smiles at me whenever I see a rainbow. She has gifted me with an appeciation of life that I would have never had. I am a million times better mother knowing how absolutly blessed I am to have been given my son. Every time I look at him it is with that much more appreciation, and that is because of her. I know to take nothing for granted because it could go away at any moment. I know that when the sun shines on me it feels like the warmth of her heart. I go on with my life, not forgetting, but feeling. Eventually letting go of the sharp pains that won't even let you get out of bed and making room for the endless gifts that your baby will bring you for the rest of your life. When I think of her now I smile. Know that the intensity of the pain you are feeling now all serves a purpose. It is so necessary to feel the feelings that you have. This is what will heal you. Follow your instincts on what is right for you. If you don't want to leave the house, then don't. You will know when you are ready for each new thing, don't push yourself to heal at the rate of society's expectations. You will not hurt anyone's feelings if you don't attend a party because you aren't feeling very social. I swear we spend half our time trying our hardest trying to make ourselves feel better and the other half making everyone else feel better. When someone asks you how you are, tell the truth. Also, allow yourself to laugh, it's ok.
Again, my love goes to you and your husband.
From one Mama to another Mama, blessings.


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## anarcat (Jun 28, 2002)

Xiola's Momma-- reading your post just made me cry...My story is so similar, although it's been longer for me. on October 17th, 2000, i went into labor. My labor was great, i was at home and everything was good, heart tones all along, I felt him kicking right before I started pushing. Now i wonder if that was a sign of distress because Misha never took a breath.

Nowadays i don't think about him all day every day, sometimes maybe a day goes by...but reading your post really brings it up and I realize i am still carrying a good amount of grief. It's hard to not know what went wrong.

although many of the books i read cautioned that the death of a child can be too much stress on a relationship, the love J. and i share was the biggest source of strength. Somehow knowing that he shared my grief as completely helped me not feel so alone.

We still have Misha's ashes and some of his things. I'm in no hurry to spread his ashes; i probably won't unless and until I own land somewhere. I'd hate to spread his ashes and then move across the country...it could happen!

Just know, it doesn't go away but it does get easier to bear. let me know if there's ever any way i can help.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

anarcat, I'd like to gently welcome you to mothering. Thank you for sharing your dear Misha. I can feel the deep love you have for him even now. It's been 8 yrs. since my daughter Amanda was born still and I still miss her presence in our life. I don't think a mother ever forgets her children.

I truley feel that greif is a journey that has many paths. Some are very difficult, but they tend to smooth out as time passes. We no longer feel the deep despair.

It's lovely that your holding onto his ashes for just the right time and place. What kind of things have you done to remember your son?

Again, I welcome you and hope you find this a gentle place of healing.


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## gamrgrl (Jul 9, 2002)

I remember how hard the 1 month mark was with Dante, we are now approaching 4 months. Keep telling yourself that you did not fail your baby, because you didn't! All your baby ever knew from you was love.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

((((((Xiola's Momma))))))


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## Chloe (Aug 13, 2002)

Xiola's mommy- I am so sorry for your loss. You have wonderful support here.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I don't know what I would have done without your support.

XM


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

Xiola's Momma -

I read your story this morning and felt physically ill. Throughout I've thought of you and your story and have gone from a stomachache to hot flashes to nausea and even a selfish desire to know why? how?? Is there a way I can keep it from happening to me??

You are an amazing, amazing woman! You are strong and courageous! Your words were so beautiful! Xiola would be so proud of her mommy...and her daddy! Oh! But she doesn't mind to see you cry either. You don't have to be strong 100% of the time!

PS In reference to another post you made...I saw quinoa described as thousands of miniscule condoms! Just a little comedy relief for ya!


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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