# Am I too hard on my toddler?



## simplygreen (Oct 11, 2009)

I guess I want to see if I'm too hard on my toddler! I'm wondering what all you mamas allow your toddlers to do? do you allow them to jump on the couch? Throw Toys? Scream as loud as they want inside? throw food? allow them not to share? Where do you draw the line? I mean I know that they are toddlers but do you try to mold/ redirect the behaviors or just let them go?

The reason I ask is We were at a friends house and my 2.5yr old was jumping on the couch, (we do not jump on the couch at our house) Well I kept re-directing him but the friends 3yo old kept jumping on the couch apparently they allow her to jump on the couch! Well the both ended up falling off and it turned into a 20min scream fest. No one got hurt, but the whole night I felt like I was too hard on my toddler or my friend was way to lax on hers? The 3yo old was allowed to through toys (not balls) hard toys through the house, scream at the top of her lungs, not be re-directed to share, it felt like total chaos to me, but the more I thought about it maybe I'm just being to hard on my toddler. Is it me? What all you mamas redirect on or what do you just allow your toddlers to do? Thanks


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## kittykat2481 (Nov 7, 2008)

I'm sure everyone's house is different - different rules, different personalities, different overall values. In our house our toddler is allowed to make messes as long as we clean them up (together). He bounces on his bed, holding on to the rails, but we caution him to be careful and not jump near the edge. He also isn't very good a jumping yet, so he doesn't get too far lol. We only throw toys that are balls, and even then only soft balls inside. We play with toys appropriately and show respect for our belongings. We don't step on books or tear the pages. I've had paperback books available to him since he was a baby, and he has learned how to enjoy them carefully. We always say please, thank you, you're welcome, bless you, etc. and ask nicely for things or you don't get them. It's definitely not "grandma's house" over here, but I try to teach my son respect for people as well as our belongings.

Oh, and my son is 23 months old today!


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## Snowflower (Dec 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplygreen* 
do you allow them to jump on the couch? Throw Toys? Scream as loud as they want inside? throw food? allow them not to share? Where do you draw the line?

Yes to jumping on the couch/bed. exercise, right? She's careful tho.
No throwing toys, but okay to throw balls.
Yes to screaming- Let it out girl! but she calms down when we ask her to.
NO throwing food. bad bad bad.
The lines are kinda drawn as we go along. It's just what works in our house and for us. Like she can run and jump and be loud cuz there is no other baby and it's not an apartment..ect. And what's safe, like no jumping in the bath tub. (she's super into jumping)
She's 24 months and beginning to grasp sharing, but I'm not harsh about it all if she doesn't, we just try to work it out somehow. Sharing is a hard one...sometimes it gets ugly. Esp when they are so young and don't fully comprehend it, yk? She totally gets being nice and says please and thank you and welcome and excuse me--So cutely









But ya,I think it's okay to let some stuff go and just let em play as long it's safe and nice.


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## sunshadow (May 17, 2009)

We were at a friends and two other toddlers were jumping on the couch. I've seen them do it before, but this time was out of hand. One mom tried to stop her daughter, but the other mom didn't care. My daughter started jumping on our couch the next day. It seems the more I tell her not to or to jump on the floor or whatever the more she wants to do it. So, I have to pick my battles. That is one I can't allow because the fall is too far. I do let her jump on her bed. That same night at our friends another parent gave me a hard time about not stopping my daughter from jumping on the bed. Both that bed and our bed are just mattresses on the floor. So, I don't know. We let her yell inside to a certain point before we tell her no. It just seems like it becomes more fun to her if we tell her not to do it. So, we try to see if she will bore of it first or redirect, or really I am still just trying to figure out the best approach for her temperment. She is 2.5.


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## lilmom (Nov 9, 2008)

simplygreen said:


> I guess I want to see if I'm too hard on my toddler! I'm wondering what all you mamas allow your toddlers to do? do you allow them to jump on the couch? Throw Toys? Scream as loud as they want inside? throw food? allow them not to share? Where do you draw the line? I mean I know that they are toddlers but do you try to mold/ redirect the behaviors or just let them go?"
> 
> No to jumping on the couch. No to throwing toys.
> No to screaming in the house. I ask him to talk quietly in the house and screaming is for outside, and he gets lots of outside time every day unless there is really bad weather.
> ...


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## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

I think I'm quite hard on my toddler too. Today he was trying to rub his spoon (covered in curry) on my sleeve. I told him that if he couldn't eat nicely with me I would take my food into the other room. I picked up his toys for him before supper and he tipped them all out again. He refused to pick them up so I picked up one basket and put it away out of his reach and told him if he didn't pick up the other toys I would put them on a high shelf too. He picked them up.

I do allow yelling and throwing on a case by case basis. If my ears are hurting I tell him stop and if something might get broken I stop it. Jumping on the couch is fine. If he throws food I take it away but I don't make a big deal about it. The dog will get it. Sharing is compulsory but luckily he's pretty good like that anyway. He's 2 1/2.


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## kirstenb (Oct 4, 2007)

I don't mind couch jumping, but only on our couch. He isn't allowed to jump on other people's couches. I also don't let him climb onto other furniture (tables, etc). The only toys that can be thrown are balls- other toys get a warning, and then they get put away. If food is thrown the plate gets taken away. He doesn't really scream so it hasn't been much of an issue yet. We are working on sharing but he is still learning so I expect that there will be times where he won't want to, and that's okay.


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

I don't let Toby scream in the house. Rather, I TRY not to let Toby scream in the house.







We're still working on that.

He's allowed to climb on the couch, or on our chairs, but no climbing on the table or jumping on the back of the couch. He doesn't know how to jump yet so I don't worry about that. Toy throwing is prohibited







unless it's his ball.

We're still working on sharing too. Ironically, the only thing Toby's great at sharing is his food (I say ironically because the boy is passionate about food







) If he throws his food, he is done eating. If he doesn't eat his dinner, it gets set aside for later and we give it to him before bed. If he still doesn't eat it, he gets a banana and some yogurt if he's still hungry.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

No to jumping on furniture- not just a safety issue, but we don't want broken chairs or a broken couch. Not in this economy. Yes to jumping on pillows on the floor, or just the plain floor.

No to screaming indoors. Yes to singing indoors and screaming outdoors.

No to throwing food. Food isn't a toy, isn't to be wasted, and the mess isn't fair to whomever has to clean it.

No to throwing anything but balls. No to throwing balls hard or when there is a baby around. Yes to rolling.

Yes and no to not sharing. Sharing is encouraged, but I think forced sharing can backfire into possessiveness. Sometimes kids are made to hand over a toy they just started playing with under the guise of sharing, and then watch everyone else play with it except them. This isn't sharing to me, sharing should be voluntary in my book, and if it isn't kids can become reluctant to want anyone else around their toys. Instead we take turns, which requires good monitoring by an adult to make sure it is fair and equitable, put things away that are special and don't want to be shared, and provide acceptable alternatives and distractions to keep the issue from arising in the first place (Particularly with very young kids).

I think kids are pretty adaptable and can adjust to different rules in different homes, so unless there are other issues (supervision, etc..) you can probably have the children at your house with your rules as long as you are very clear and consistent about them right from the start.


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## PatchChild (Sep 1, 2006)

Jumping on the couch and bed is fine, DS has some sensory needs and life would be miserable without some indoor jumping is necessary.

Screaming, sometimes. If he's playing firetruck, sirens are loud. He's right, they are, so I guess I have to tolerate that. I'd rather he scream at my house than out and about.

Throwing, only balls and stuffed animals.

Food? It's food, no playing with food.


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## franklinmarxmom (Nov 29, 2007)

OP, you sound like you have good rules of sanity to me!

No throwing anything except soft balls (we have a little tykes basketball hoop in our living room, so we throw a lot). Toys that are thrown get a warning, then get taken away. This is very rare now--he just knows.

No jumping on furniture. It's a safety issue for us. DS isn't too much of a jumper. Sometimes, he'll go to his bed (a crib converted to toddler bed) and hold onto the rails and jump. I don't encourage it, but I don't fight it much either. He does jump on his mattress on the floor when I change the sheets--that's big time fun.

No screaming in the house. He's not much of a screamer, so that's not been an issue.

We don't have friends with kids, so there's no real issue about sharing at home. However, we do require turn-taking in other settings (library toys, museum, preschool). If DS is playing with something that another kid wants, we insist that he give the other friend a turn. If he just started playing, we let him go for awhile. If he's been playing with it already for a long time, the other child's turn starts almost immediately. He seems to understand.

DEFINITELY no to throwing food. This time last year, I had several threads about how to stop that behavior!


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## mama_ani (Aug 2, 2007)

Quote:

I'm wondering what all you mamas allow your toddlers to do? do you allow them to jump on the couch?
Absolutely not - but jump on beds, yes.

Quote:

Throw Toys?
Balls, yes - other toys no.

Quote:

Scream as loud as they want inside?
No - and this is a HUGE problem with ds 3.5yo.

Quote:

throw food?
NEVER.

Quote:

allow them not to share?
Nope, if they can't share they can't spend time with their friends.

Quote:

Where do you draw the line? I mean I know that they are toddlers but do you try to mold/ redirect the behaviors or just let them go?
 I expect appropriate behaviour from my children once they are old enough to understand the concept of 'stop' or 'no.' Inappropriate behaviour is not acceptable and I try to be quick to step in and redirect or remove my kids from a situation where they aren't behaving properly.


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## colleentara (Aug 12, 2008)

I expect appropriate behaviour from my children once they are old enough to understand the concept of 'stop' or 'no.'
[/QUOTE]

my question is...when are they old enough to understand this? Finn is 18 months and he seems right on the edge.
is that your experience?


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## kibba (Oct 11, 2005)

I don't think you are being to hard, those are our rules too. I am always in shock when people let kids jump on sofas, ESP not their own. My friends daughter tries to jump on our sofa all the time. I think the real issue is just learning that not everyone has the same rules. That is always very hard to deal with I think. I can no longer go shopping with my friend and her kids. I only go if it's her kids or mine, or no kids. She allows her kids out of site at the store, and they are allowed to touch everything. The kids are only 2 and 3 and I just don't agree with that. It's to hard to enforce in a store and leads to a meltdown for my daughter so I just avoid it.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

yes to jumping on the couch. we have yet to encounter a couch where this was an issue (besides falling, which is just the risk of jumping) if we were somewhere that the couch was not allowed to be jumped on, then we would explain it as "different people, different rules"

some toys can be thrown, balls, stuffed animals, pillows, playsilks, a couple of other things, not so much blocks and legos

screaming, yes to screaming, not all the time, sometimes its time to be quiter, if someone is sleeping etc, but we are a loud bunch of folks in our house. usually if ds starts hollering so does an adult, so its rather playful.

no to throwing food, but not in a hradcore way, sometimes the difference between throwing and dropping is subtle, ds has never been a food flinger, so it hasn't been an issue

sharing is about turn taking...and if a particular item is an issue it goes away


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

this reminds me of when I was a kid and teachers would scold you by saying "do you put your feet on the furniture at home?" and I would say







"yes" b/c of course you put your feet on the couch/coffee table/chair


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## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

I don't really let DS jump on the couch but he can make a pillow pile in front and jump off the couch. Also he can jump on his bed as long as he holds the railings. I have let him jump on the couch (also her bed) my friends house because she said it was fine and his hands were being held.

Only balls can be thrown inside

I hate it when people scream inside, it hurts my ears and it really triggers me so I do not allow it, it still happens and I say to DS to loud or if he is upset and screams I just use all of my patience to not freak out and I nurse him.

No to throwing food - this drives me bonkers but I try to be cool and ask DS if he is finished and he usually say's yes. It's getting better but when we read the Todd Par book I Love You there is a drawing of a mama and baby with food all over and DS always points to the food on the floor and say's "Oh, OH"









Toddlers (18-30 mons or so) are really cognitively and socially unable to share. One can not understand that concept of sharing until they learn they learn what it means to own something. So I don't push it with his stuff, put with stuff that belongs to the greater good I remind him that it is for everybody to use and that we must take turns, he is actually really good at "sharing" stuff and food so it is not really too much of an issue (it's just the broken ride in car at the park that has no front wheels that is sooo hard to "share"







)

I also feel sometimes that my expectations are too tough for DS and he is a big guy so i have to remind myself that he is still a little toddler.


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplygreen* 
I guess I want to see if I'm too hard on my toddler! I'm wondering what all you mamas allow your toddlers to do? do you allow them to jump on the couch? Throw Toys? Scream as loud as they want inside? throw food? allow them not to share? Where do you draw the line? I mean I know that they are toddlers but do you try to mold/ redirect the behaviors or just let them go?

The reason I ask is We were at a friends house and my 2.5yr old was jumping on the couch, (we do not jump on the couch at our house) Well I kept re-directing him but the friends 3yo old kept jumping on the couch apparently they allow her to jump on the couch! Well the both ended up falling off and it turned into a 20min scream fest. No one got hurt, but the whole night I felt like I was too hard on my toddler or my friend was way to lax on hers? The 3yo old was allowed to through toys (not balls) hard toys through the house, scream at the top of her lungs, not be re-directed to share, it felt like total chaos to me, but the more I thought about it maybe I'm just being to hard on my toddler. Is it me? What all you mamas redirect on or what do you just allow your toddlers to do? Thanks

We do not allow the things that have in your first post. We do have limited jumping in the house (down 1-2 stairs or off the futon). He throws food, but he has to get down and pick it up.

Self-control is very important in our family.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplygreen* 
I guess I want to see if I'm too hard on my toddler! I'm wondering what all you mamas allow your toddlers to do? do you allow them to jump on the couch? Throw Toys? Scream as loud as they want inside? throw food? allow them not to share?... Is it me? What all you mamas redirect on or what do you just allow your toddlers to do? Thanks

This is me, too. I don't allow jumping or standing on ANY furniture, even the booths at restaurants or benches at play areas. If someone's tush goes there, his feet don't. Toys can be thrown outside, but then only balls and things meant to be thrown. Screaming, outside only. Some bellowing/yelling is okay inside, but the high-pitched shrieking pierces my eardrums and echoes too much in the house. Plus I'm sure others in public places won't appreciate that. Throwing food or dropping on the floor, NOPE. Meal's OVER. Sharing is required unless it's a special toy, but he's also taught that others don't have to share if they don't want to...


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## azmomtoone (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplygreen* 
I guess I want to see if I'm too hard on my toddler! I'm wondering what all you mamas allow your toddlers to do? do you allow them to jump on the couch? Throw Toys? Scream as loud as they want inside? throw food? allow them not to share? Where do you draw the line? I mean I know that they are toddlers but do you try to mold/ redirect the behaviors or just let them go?
Thanks

*Jump on the couch* - yes
*Throw toys* - soft toys, yes; hard ones, no (and he has a whole collection of soft balls to throw...hard ones must be rolled)
*Scream inside* - No, but a personal decision, I cannot take the screaming w/out getting angry...same for banging on metal pots & pans / dog bowls. He IS allowed to go outside almost anytime he wants though to do those things (including after dark and less then ideal weather)
*Throw food* - No
*Allow him not to share* Absolutely!! THere are times I don't want to share my stuff either, and certain things I wouldn't share at all. If he doesn't want to share something of his, in our house, fine...but I do encourage him to find another toy the other child can play with, and he almost always helps with that. If we're at a park, playgroup etc, I make sure and ask him if he's ok w/ sharing whatever toy he wants to bring with him...if he says no, it stays in the car. (his decision in the end, either way, bring & share or don't bring). Started that just because I got burned out very early on w/ all the fights over toys at the park...we're there for DS to have fun, not for anyone to be angry or upset.


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## dancebaraka (Dec 14, 2006)

We def encourage Akasha is use materials (whether it is a ball or food or furniture, whatever) in the intended fashion. But I try to stay away from saying *no* a lot... I do use no & but most often I communicate what I would like her to do... as in "this food is for eating" instead of "don't play with the food" or "we use indoor voices right now, if you want to scream, we can find a time to go outside later today & be as loud as we want" instead of "stop screaming". We talk about & encourage some sharing, but we never demand it. If she chooses not to use a material in the proper way then the material is no longer available to her. For example, I will say something like "Akasha, if you continue to play with your food, you are communicating to us that you no longer want to eat"... I'll give her a moment to think about it, then remove the food. We have parented like this since the beginning, and though all kids are different, she seems to understand & we generally don't have a lot of conflict over these things. I try to offer a lot of choices when it works to, give her a lot of opportunities for stimulating activities, free play, art, etc.. but I want to direct her energy & excitability into creative, appropriate outlets. We don't give a lot of rules or limits in some areas (expressing emotions & oudoor wildness come to mind







) but also we do expect her to respect & care for her environment & other people, like the rest of the family.

Every child & family is different but this works well for us.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

I try to apply "rules" to my toddler that I would also expect of adults. She certainly needs a lot more reminders and redirections than say my DF does, but the goal is to raise a well-behaved adult.

So no jumping on the couch. If daddy can't do it, neither can DD. I am trying to discourage standing and walking on the couch as well, and we are working on it. She is still little, but understands "sit on your bum."

Throwing food - if food starts getting turfed or just dropped, she is done. I don't make a huge deal of it, I just take her plate away.

Yelling - ugh, no. We encourage inside voices. If it was an outburst of emotion we deal with that, but loud for the sake of being loud isn't polite.

As for the sharing, I guess it depends on what your idea of sharing is. I don't allow her to take a toy away from someone else. If she is not actively playing with something, it is fair game for other kids (I run a daycare, so we have a lot of communal toys). If the other kids want something she has I have them ask her if they can have it - sometimes she hands it over, other times she doen't want to. I allow her that choice. I don't allow anyone to snatch from anyone else.


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## gardenmommy (Nov 23, 2001)

As the parent of 4 children, I think you are right on target. We have plenty of noise and chaos without adding jumping on the couch, throwing food, or yelling. I find that simply reinforcing the expectation that food is for eating, the couch is for sitting, and yelling is for outside with the older children helps the younger ones remember that, too. Little ones still try all those things; I think that is perfectly normal behavior for toddlers. It is just not something we want them to do, so we discourage it. Screaming is def. not allowed. It kills my ears and my patience, so I've taught my kids that the only acceptable time to scream is if they are in trouble, seriously hurt, or some other type of emergency.

I understand that different people have different rules, but for us, this is what works. We can't really afford to replace all our furniture because 4 kids decided to use it as a trampoline. We make/buy pretty much whole, organic foods, which IME, is too expensive to throw away just because someone felt like seeing it all over the floor, table, or wall. Like a PP said, sometimes it's hard to discern between throwing or dropping, so unless it was really truly thrown, we just remove the plate before it is thrown, and don't make this a huge deal. As for making messes, that's just part of life. The other part is taking responsibility for cleaning up the mess you made; children learn that by helping you clean up what their mess.

Honestly, rather than having hard-and-fast rules with dramatic consequences, just reinforcing what you want consistently, modeling the behaviour you want to see, etc. is pretty effective. IME, around 12-18 months, children begin to understand what you expect, even if they are not always capable of actually DOING it. You just have to be consistent, and eventually, they are able to follow your family's rules.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

My kids bounce around on the couch but don't jump on it like they do the trampoline or beds which I'm ok with. Yelling is fine inside, not ok in public places though. Throwing food is never acceptable. If the toys are out then they must share them. Before friends come over then I allow the younger ones to put away one special toy that they don't want to share, the rest must be shared. Throwing toys is ok ONLY if they are soft and part of a game, not like toys being thrown at each other.


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