# DD saw Twilight at a sleepover.



## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

It was her second sleepover and I knew this may come up at some time (just not so soon). So, I guess I'm wondering how many other parents would have asked if this was acceptable before showing it to other children (I know I would have, heck I asked if A League of their Own was okay). I mean, I'm not really upset she watched it (although I would've liked to have seen it first or, at least, with her if we made that decision), I was just a bit put-out that I had no choice in the matter.

I remember seeing Dirty Dancing at a sleepover when I was her age (10) and being mortified. I spent the whole night thinking how inappropriate it was.

Am I the world's biggest prude/over-protective mom or am I right in thinking I should have been consulted first?


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I think you have a right to be consulted first. About the movie though, I really doubt your dd saw anything that had her thinking how inapproprate it was. No alcohol, drugs, or sex. Some violence. Vampires. And one really annoying protaganist who could stand to learn a thing or two about not responding to everyone all hunched over with a whiny "why me" type voice.


----------



## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
And one really annoying protaganist who could stand to learn a thing or two about not responding to everyone all hunched over with a whiny "why me" type voice.









I really enjoy the Twilight series and movie, but this amuses me. Seriously, though, I would be p.o.'d if someone showed my 10 year old a PG-13 movie without running it by me first. Not just Twilight, but any PG-13 movie. And while I agree with pp that there wasn't anything super inappropriate in the movie, there are some moments of intense sensuality that I would be more comfortable if my daughter were older before seeing. But, I'm pretty reserved about viewing ages, so others opinions may vary


----------



## FiveLittleMonkeys (Jan 21, 2009)

I also think that you should have been consulted. My daughter had a sleepover this spring (she is 14) and I made sure that all the parents were on board with the movies she planned to show.

I, too, remember getting to watch Dirty Dancing at a sleepover. My parents wouldn't let me see it, so I was so excited. I think I was around 14 or so - it was very much forbidden fruit!!


----------



## russsk (Aug 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FiveLittleMonkeys* 
I, too, remember getting to watch Dirty Dancing at a sleepover. My parents wouldn't let me see it, so I was so excited. I think I was around 14 or so - it was very much forbidden fruit!!

I saw Dirty Dancing at a sleepover, too. By that time (6th grade) we'd all seen it so many times that we spent the whole time ragging on it. Because it was so hilarious.


----------



## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

I saw Silence of the Lambs at a sleepover around age 11-12.























I would have been upset if a parent had shown my 10 yo child Twilight. I think the movie ratings are a good way to guide choices (they are sometimes quite off, but a good stepping off point hello PG-13!~)

My daughter saw it when she turned 13, but at 10 no.

It leaves an icky feeling when you think you can trust people to have good judgment and they don't.


----------



## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

I would have wanted to have been consulted. Ten is kinda young, even though there isn't really anything untoward in Twilight. The violence might be scary. I loved the books and the movie.

Ds#1 and his friends sneaked a copy of The Blair Witch and watched it when they were 13 at a sleepover in someone's RV. It scared them all and they didn't even finish it.









This week-end I am taking ds#2 and some friends to see Paranormal which is rated R. I will be sure I get to TALK to the moms involved, so I know that THEY know what their kid is going to see...none of this "Oh, yea, I told my mom and she is fine with it." I'll talk to the moms to make sure their sons actually told them about it.









Hope your dd wasn't traumatized.


----------



## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

I agree. It doesn't matter whether or not I am comfortable showing a movie like that to my 10 y.o., but it very much matters if I'm showing it to a bunch of kids that are sleeping over. I would definitely encourage the kids to pick a different movie, if the sleep over was happening at our house. What did your daughter think of the movie? I would guess that sensual moments went over her head, and if anything, she might have been scared a bit.

Silence of the Lambs though...


----------



## mild_adventurer (Jun 2, 2008)

Agreed that you should have been consulted before "Twilight" was shown to your daughter.

My 10 year old DD and 12 year old DSD both were allowed to see it and loved it, however. In fact, DD found the movie less scary than the book! She finished the first book but decided not to go on to the others. Very mature decision, I thought.

She hasn't been "traumatized" by anything in the "Twilight" story (book or movie).

That said, I still get into arguements with my ex-husband over what is and what is not appropriate for our daughters (ages 8 & 10) to watch.

So I know my opinions are different than others'....


----------



## hotmamacita (Sep 25, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
I saw Silence of the Lambs at a sleepover around age 11-12.
























Eeeegads!

Did you have nightmares? I have not seen it but I heard all about that movie!


----------



## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hotmamacita* 
Eeeegads!

Did you have nightmares? I have not seen it but I heard all about that movie!

No, but then again it's hard to have nightmares if you can't go to sleep. I watched The Shining when I was 6 because she didn't want to watch it alone, my older sister and younger brother also watched it. We watched nearly every horror movie, blood, sex, guts, violence all of it with my mother. I have been deathly afraid of the dark and suffered insomnia my whole life.

My mom was a very "watch/read whatever you want" type of person and I'm not that way with my kids until they reach a certain age.


----------



## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Have you talked to your dd about your expectations? When my ds was about 12 or so, his friends were watching _The 40 Year Old Virgin_ at a sleepover. DS just said that he didn't think we would want him to watch it (he was right), and he and another kid went into a different room and played on guitars and listened to CDs. As far as I know, no one gave him a hard time, and it was no big deal.

This is a good age to talk about making independent choices. Were there other movie choices available? When we have sleepovers, I try to have a few selections - in case someone objects to one movie.


----------



## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

I would discuss movie choices with any parent unless the movie was rated G. Some people are very particular (and rightly so) about what their children watch. We allow our kids to watch some PG-13 movies, but not all of them. Not by any stretch of the imagination! Our neighbor (he's 9) was here one day and the kids wanted to watch Gremlins. Even though my kids are younger than he is, and we let them watch it, I didn't know if his parents would want him to see it. KWIM? So, I made him take the movie down and show his mom. He was allowed, but I just felt the need to make sure. It's the right thing to do.


----------



## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
My mom was a very "watch/read whatever you want" type of person and I'm not that way with my kids until they reach a certain age.

Letting them watch/read whatever they want is one thing, but it sounds like your mom was really letting you decide where your limits were.

For the OP, I would expect to be consulted before my dd was shown a pg-13 movie (mine is nearly 10). I am not totally on-board with all PG movies either, but at 10, I wouldn't expect to be notified like a PG-13 one.

Amy


----------



## gillibean (Nov 28, 2006)

I would be expected to be consulted about a PG-13 movie with my 10 year old DD. The '13' is there for a reason. That said, I have found a fair number of regular PG movies that are much more offensive to me than some of the PG-13 movies.


----------



## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
It leaves an icky feeling when you think you can trust people to have good judgment and they don't.









I think this statement is a bit harsh.

Not everyone will make the same decisions about what is appropriate for 10 year olds to watch, but that does not mean that those with different standards have bad judgment.

When my DD starts to sleep over at a friends house I plan to take the responsibility to talk to the other parent to check things out. I imagine asking basic questions about who will be home, what the rules are for bed time, what activities are planned (with a follow up of what movie are you going to be seeing if that is a planned activity). If I get a bad vibe or the other family is planning something I am not comfortable with I would then have to make a decision about weather DD could still have the sleep over.

On the other hand I can not imagine being comfortable with allowing a sleep over with a family that I did not have a reasonable amount of trust with. Yeah, I expect that some decisions made by the other parents might not be ones I would make. A slightly more liberal or more conservative approach to things will not scare my DD for life.

I also place a lot of trust in my DD. When I judge she is old enough for friend sleepovers, I expect her to have some skills/tools for dealing with situations that do not feel appropriate. So if she knew she was not allowed to see PG-13 movies, I would expect her to say so when she and her friends were picking out a movie.

On the flip side, if I was hosting a sleep over for a 10 year old I would probably run the evenings plans by the other parent just in case. I'd hate to be responsible for DD losing the ability to hang with a friend because I pissed off the other parents.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
I saw Silence of the Lambs at a sleepover around age 11-12.























I saw that movie as an adult (I was in college when it came out) and it scared ME!!! I would discourage my daughters from seeing that one if they asked me (though I wouldn't actually forbid it) and I wouldn't allow it to be shown where DS might walk in.

I wouldn't show a PG movie to kids 7, a PG-13 movie to kids under 13, or an R movie to kids under 18, without checking with the parents first. I probably woudln't have checked with parents if all the kids being invited were 13 or older and we were showing a PG-13 movie. I wouldn't even be involved much in party planning anyway. Teenagers can plan their own parties (yes, I'll buy the junk food, I'll chaperone, etc.) I might consider showing a PG-13 movie to 10yos, but I'd check with each individual parent first, and select a different movie if any parent said no.


----------



## mar123 (Apr 14, 2008)

My dd had a sleepover for her 11th birthday. Twilight was just out on DVD and I checked with all the parents before we even mentioned the possibility of watching it. (I didn't want one of the girls being blamed for why they couldn't watch it, yk?) All the moms said yes and thanked me for checking.

Side note: I teach high school English and asked my students whether or not I should let my 11 year old read the books (they were all the rage last year, of course.) I was really happy at the thoughtfullness they gave the question. They gave me positives and negatives, etc., not just some mindless "yes". Many of them said, "yes, but not the fourth one!" LOL


----------



## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

AbbieB said:


> *I think this statement is a bit harsh.*
> 
> *Not everyone will make the same decisions about what is appropriate for 10 year olds to watch, but that does not mean that those with different standards have bad judgment.*
> 
> ...


----------



## 1growingsprout (Nov 14, 2005)

Ummm I'd be a bit more than


----------



## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I don't think you are being over-protective by expecting that they would have run it by you first. I didn't have a problem with DD reading the first twilight or watching the movie (which she watched at her friend's house) but I get that others might want a heads up, or the freedom to say, no, it's not appropriate for my child...


----------



## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

The same thing has happened with my kids. While it bothers me a bit, I don't think it's enough (for my family) to make a big deal over it. The movies weren't wildly inappropriate (and Twilight was one of them), just not something that I would have shown them.


----------



## AbigailGrace (Aug 1, 2009)

Porcelain Interior said:


> Quote:
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *AbbieB*
> ...


----------



## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

My kids are much younger, and they have seen "Twilight," so I wouldn't have objected, but I wouldn't have shown a PG-13 movie to someone else's kids without permission.

We had a sleepover for my seven year old on Saturday, and we showed "Milo & Otis" because I knew it was really mild. I don't expect other people to stick to g-rated stuff for my kids, but most of the people who would have them sleep over know we don't censor.

If you're concerned, I would just start asking at drop-offs what movie, if any, the parents were planning on showing. That way, you could veto anything that didn't sit well with you.


----------



## amnesiac (Dec 28, 2001)

My dd had a sleepover in the spring & was dying to have a Twilight party. I did ask all the parents when they dropped off their dd if they were comfortable with it. I've always done that with movies & even video games.


----------



## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EFmom* 
The same thing has happened with my kids. While it bothers me a bit, I don't think it's enough (for my family) to make a big deal over it. The movies weren't wildly inappropriate (and Twilight was one of them), just not something that I would have shown them.

This. I've seen Twilight, I wouldn't mind my 10yo (or even my 7yo) seeing the movie. It's nice when parents ask ahead of time, but I don't freak out over preteens seeing a PG13 movie.

In my household, video games (and their ratings) have been a much bigger deal than movies. Unless I have an opportunity to ask the parents, we stick to video games that are rated less than T for preteens. If the kids want to play something more violent, I always ask first.


----------



## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

Thanks for all of the replies!

The movie was actually spur of the moment - the birthday girl got it as one of her gifts, so I don't really fault the mom for not running it past me and/or letting me know beforehand. I just think it may have been saved for another time and place after she had run it by parents.

And, I have read the books (well, the first 3, they steadily declined in quality and I can't bring myself to crack open the last one). BUT, the mom hadn't! That surprised me as well. Although, we are very close with this family and know each other well, it's not something that is a deal-breaker but will definitely be brought up again at the next sleepover.

As for the movie, DD liked it okay. She's seen scarier movies (thanks to her uncles and by choice). But, I have no room to talk, when I was her age, my favorite movies were the Psycho series and the Nightmare on Elm Street films. I LOVED scary movies (still do) and gore.

As for the sensual moments, I'm not sure what they were but I'm sure she 'got them'. We're very open about those kinds of things.

Maybe I should rent it now just to rewatch it with her.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I honestly can't think of any sensual moments in that movie. Maybe a few romantic ones, and one very cheese, cliche romantic one at the end.


----------



## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I think that it's a great idea to rent the movie and watch it together. I'd like to see it myself, lol.


----------



## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SAHDS* 
Maybe I should rent it now just to rewatch it with her.

It might make you feel better. The movie is really very bland, IMO.


----------



## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

My sister took me to see Natural Born Killers at the CINEMA when i was 13!

I have never heard of Twilight and when i read the thread title thought maybe you were mad because they let her stay up too late. LOL, i have preggy brain kicking in!

If *I* was having a sleepover i'd run the movie by the other parents beforehand, but if my DD saw something like that at 10 at another person's home, unless it was wildly innappropriate/giving her nightmares i would let it go. Some of the books i had readby 10 were a LOT scarier than the movies. I LOVE The Shining, it's my favourite horror, but the book is terrifying compared to the film.


----------



## hotmamacita (Sep 25, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
No, but then again it's hard to have nightmares if you can't go to sleep. I watched The Shining when I was 6 because she didn't want to watch it alone, my older sister and younger brother also watched it. We watched nearly every horror movie, blood, sex, guts, violence all of it with my mother. I have been deathly afraid of the dark and suffered insomnia my whole life.









I understand. I watched Exorcist films with my older brother when I was 7-ish and it really troubled me for a long time. When I did sleep, I had wicked dreams for a long time.

Quote:

My mom was a very "watch/read whatever you want" type of person and I'm not that way with my kids until they reach a certain age.
I think it is wise to protect our children form themes, images, etc until developmentally and emotionally mature. My kids have a lot of freedom that is appropriate for their age. As they mature, that freedom goes along with them. So far they are responsible for their age but I do shield them and protect them from things too mature for them.


----------



## pink gal (Feb 27, 2008)

After DD saw a horror movie at a sleepover and had nightmares for days I started asking when I call to RSVP if they will be watching any movies and if so what they will be. Most of the time the moms are happy to let me know what the plan is for the evening.

DD also knows it's her responsibility to check with her dad or I if she gets somewhere and they are showing a movie that's pg-13 or R. She is 13. She texts us and we discuss it. Only once has there been one we really felt uncomfortable with. Now I can't even remember what it was, but it was rated R. I was worried that it would make her an outcast among the kids when we said no, but she said a lot of the kids looked relieved and said they really didn't want to watch it anyway.


----------



## StarChild (Aug 2, 2004)

I would never show a pg-13 movie to a 10 year old and I always ask parents if a movie is okay before we watch anything when friends sleepover. It's just a good idea because everyone has diff ideas of what is acceptable.

My 12 yr old dd goes to a very small school and the parents all try to communicate what we think is okay and ask a lot of questions. This may be harder in a larger school when there are more friends and you don't know the parents very well.


----------



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Honestly, I wouldn't have thought anything about showing a group of 10-year-old girls "Twilight." Have you seen it? There's really nothing questionable in it at all... only one kiss, even. I'm thinking the PG-13 rating must just be for the "violence," which is minimal. This is a very tame movie, IMO. But this does give me food for thought for future sleepovers.


----------



## FaithfulOne (Apr 12, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
My mom was a very "watch/read whatever you want" type of person and I'm not that way with my kids until they reach a certain age.

My parents too! My dad would allow us full reign in the horror section of the video store and then he'd go out that night and leave my bro, sis and I to watch whatever,








I don't think there's scary movie out there that I haven't seen and I regret it. I too am afraid of the dark, being alone, *things* under my bed









Having said that, the supervising parents should have asked permission to show a movie like Twilight, or any PG13 for that matter.
ETA: I even asked a mom in our complex if her son could watch Jurassic Park


----------



## Labbemama (May 23, 2008)

LOL I saw one of the Chucky movies at a youth group get together. Scared me soooo bad.

But yes I agree that if you are watching movies or taking other ppl's kids to the movies you should consult with the other parents about what they find acceptable ratings for their kids. Plus you never know what's going on in a kids life. I would sure hate to show "Marley and me" to a kid whose dog just died or something like that. Or a vampire flick to a kid who was especially sensitive.


----------



## emmalizz (Apr 14, 2009)

.


----------



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emmalizz* 
There's kissing, teenage cleavage (and commenting on it), and heavy making out with a teen girl in just a shirt and panties.

Yes, we are quite open about kissing and breasts in our house.

And "IMO" (which is in my earlier post) means "in my opinion."


----------



## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
Yes, we are quite open about kissing and breasts in our house.

And "IMO" (which is in my earlier post) means "in my opinion."

But that's the exact point. YOU are, but not all families of 10 year olds are. It's about respecting the different standards of different families.


----------



## yogachick79 (Apr 4, 2006)

Just agreeing with what pretty much everyone has already said. We always ALWAYS run movie choices by parents, no matter what the kid says they've already seen, etc. Sometimes I get a "you're calling about what?" type of response, and others are really thankful. I saw pretty woman at a sleep-over when I was about 10 and yeah, um that left quite an impression with me and my mom never let me over to that house again (but there were other issues as well).

As for Twilight, at least the movie wasn't as graphic as the books. I was surprised recently when a mom of a younger girl (DD is 11.5 and her DD was not quite 10) told me that her daughter had read all of the books without her reading them first. I am ALL about letting kids read and explore, but for such a young age there is a lot of violence and in the latter ones, a LOT of sexual stuff. I guess to each their own. D won't be reading them until she's a bit older, at least the latter ones.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sebarnes* 
But that's the exact point. YOU are, but not all families of 10 year olds are. It's about respecting the different standards of different families.

And I haven't the faintest clue what any rating on any movie I own is.

I think the ratings guide is a load of nonsense, and ratings are pretty randomly assigned to movies for fairly stupid reasons. Therefore, I pay no attention to them.

My kid doesn't have sleepovers (he's still pretty young), but my neighborhood does child-swapping for babysitting, so I've had neighborhood kids over to my house in the afternoon/evening. And looking over this thread . . . I've let 5 to 8-year-olds, for example, watch the Indiana Jones and Star Wars movies without ever thinking about confirming with their parents that those movies are "allowed." And I think those movies are PG or PG-13?

By 10, I was walking over to the movie store and renting my own movies (and they'd signed a form at the movie store allowing us to rent whatever we desired, ratings G->R). My parents kept a half-eye on what we rented, but I'm not even 100% they knew what was being watched at sleep overs in their own house by that point. Ironically, looking back . . . we were watching Star Wars and Indiana Jones


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
I think the ratings guide is a load of nonsense, and ratings are pretty randomly assigned to movies for fairly stupid reasons. Therefore, I pay no attention to them.

But other parents don't feel that way.

My kids are allowed to read and watch what they want, but when other people's children are over here, only G or PG movies can be on unless I talk to the other child's parents.

Besides the fact that I feel this is the only respectful way to act toward the other parent, I feel it also helps protect the other child. My kids have grown up watching things like Harry Poter, Lord of the Rings, etc. For other children who were more sheltered, a movie that is just fine for my kids right now may not be at all appropriate, and some kids have a hard time telling their friends that the would be scared and they don't want to see it.

It's really got nothing to do with the movie, it's about respecting the other child and the other parent.

BTW, the only thing I have against Twilight is that it wasn't well done. When I saw it with my DDs (the younger one was 10 at the time), I had a hard time not laughing at the bad acting.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
But other parents don't feel that way.

My kids are allowed to read and watch what they want, but when other people's children are over here, only G or PG movies can be on unless I talk to the other child's parents.

Besides the fact that I feel this is the only respectful way to act toward the other parent, I feel it also helps protect the other child. My kids have grown up watching things like Harry Poter, Lord of the Rings, etc. For other children who were more sheltered, a movie that is just fine for my kids right now may not be at all appropriate, and some kids have a hard time telling their friends that the would be scared and they don't want to see it.

The point I was making is that I haven't the faintest clue what the rating on any movie I own is. I've probably seen the movie, and have a decent idea of the level of violence and sexuality present in it, but a quick look at some of the movies I own on Amazon reveals to me that I'd be dead wrong in what I would guess was G and PG versus PG-13. (I'm pretty much right on R, though.)

Sure, I could look at the box if the kids asked . . . but it's not something I'd think about doing, and I'm even a little put-off by the idea that a couple of, say, 10-year-olds are going to be asking me if they can see something that's in our DVD library rather than just watching it. That's not the way that my house ran while I was growing up, and that's not the way I see my house running when my child is that age. The R movies are probably going to be somewhere not in the main dvd library, but I can't see making any distinction on ratings less than that.


----------



## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
And I haven't the faintest clue what any rating on any movie I own is.

I think the ratings guide is a load of nonsense, and ratings are pretty randomly assigned to movies for fairly stupid reasons. Therefore, I pay no attention to them.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
But other parents don't feel that way.
...
Besides the fact that I feel this is the only respectful way to act toward the other parent, I feel it also helps protect the other child.
...

*It's really got nothing to do with the movie, it's about respecting the other child and the other parent.*


Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
The point I was making is that I haven't the faintest clue what the rating on any movie I own is.

Cschick, you should consider familiarizing yourself with the ratings of your available movies if/when you have other people's kids over to watch a movie.

I think if you and I were asked to check out a list of movies to see if they're appropriate for a room of 12 year olds, we would probably come to many of the same conclusions. As far as specific content is concerned, we, all the moms here on this thread, probably have similar opinions.

But the tone of your posts is a little defiant and flip. It would make me wonder, dang! if I let me kids play at her house is she going let them watch just whatever, Journeymom be darned??


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I'd want someone to check with me before showing my 10 year old a PG-13 movie. I'd probably say "yes", because I'm pretty loose about that kind of thing, but it would depend on both the movie and the kid.

I asked all ds1's friend's parents about movies until his 14th birthday. One of the moms that I didn't know acted like I was the weirdest person in the world for checking (knowing a little more about this family now, I can understand why). I started paying more attention to the kids talking about what they watch and realized that ds1's friends all had as liberal - or more so - rules about what they could watch than I did.

DS1 is now 16. I know him and what he can handle and how he processes things, and he can watch whatever he wants. I can't vet things for him, because he's cool with stuff that turns my stomach. (For example, he loved The Watchmen. I read 11/12 of the graphic novel years ago, and have no desire to see the movie.)


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FaithfulOne* 
ETA: I even asked a mom in our complex if her son could watch Jurassic Park

I would, too. Jurassic Park is pretty hardcore in places. I let my kids watch it a few months ago, and I might not have if I'd remembered a few things more clearly. However, ds2 loved it, so c'est la vie.


----------



## Down2Earth (Jan 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gillibean* 
I would be expected to be consulted about a PG-13 movie with my 10 year old DD. The '13' is there for a reason. That said, *I have found a fair number of regular PG movies that are much more offensive to me than some of the PG-13 movies.*

Was that before they came out with the PG-13 rating? I know that there are quite a few older PG movies that really should have been rated differently (because of swearing, nudity, etc.) I guess that is also something to keep in mind when letting kids watch movies.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 

But the tone of your posts is a little defiant and flip. It would make me wonder, dang! if I let me kids play at her house is she going let them watch just whatever, Journeymom be darned??

And I'd say, probably yes. I kind of follow more of the "free-range" kid theories on things. Most of my neighbors do as well. I guess that brings you to the point of "know the parents of your kid's friends". What I'm describing--kids taking whatever dvds from the available dvds and watching them--isn't just the way I grew up, it's the way I see most parents I interact with are functioning. They'll check maybe on what a parent wants a 3 or 4 year old to be watching, but they don't know what the 8 year old and his friends are watching, exactly. It's one of the "allowed" dvds, in that its allowed to be in the house and available. But it may be PG or PG-13.


----------



## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
And I'd say, probably yes. I kind of follow more of the "free-range" kid theories on things. Most of my neighbors do as well. I guess that brings you to the point of "know the parents of your kid's friends". What I'm describing--kids taking whatever dvds from the available dvds and watching them--isn't just the way I grew up, it's the way I see most parents I interact with are functioning. They'll check maybe on what a parent wants a 3 or 4 year old to be watching, but they don't know what the 8 year old and his friends are watching, exactly. It's one of the "allowed" dvds, in that its allowed to be in the house and available. But it may be PG or PG-13.

You're right, it is necessary to know the parents. And this is why we don't let our kids go to other kids houses unsupervised unless we know the parents really well and trust them. A parent with that philosophy, who would let our kids do whatever, regardless of our wishes, would not be trusted with our kids.


----------



## emmalizz (Apr 14, 2009)

.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emmalizz* 
That's...interesting to say the least. So you're basically going to let other people's kids do whatever and watch whatever they want, parent's rules be damned? I'm honestly surprised your kids have many friends at all with that kind of attitude. I guess you haven't informed their parents of your philosophy.

Ironically, we're considered the among the more conservative and restrictive parents in the neighborhood. We're actually fairly media-limited (in regards to this conversation), no cable, only one tv that receives over-the-air signals, one tv that only plays dvds. We don't rent dvds or use something like netflix, because I feel that a movie that has enough value to watch, is a movie that has enough value to own.

I have made all my friends/neighbors aware that I have an extremely extensive collection of children's and young adult literature, and that I will be turning a blind eye to any book that say, vanishes and returns. Their kid is more likely to find something to read that's controversial at my house, than to watch.

But, to address your specific points . . . first, do whatever. Kids playing at my house are expected to respect my house. When I found the 5-year-old from across the street and the 7-year-old from next door "playing" in my backyard by digging up my perennial garden (we are a fences-free neighborhood with common areas that run along the back of all our backyards; kids generally start running around fairly unsupervised about age 5), first, I stood over them while they replanted what they'd dug up, then they got escorted back to their mothers. They also helped me do some planting later in the summer (by order of their mothers), so they'd understand what kind of work maintaining a garden is. Likewise, when my kid ignored all of us saying stop and tramped through the back door of my neighbor's house and onto her rug with his muddy shoes, he learned the fine art of cleaning up mud.

But yes, generally within what I consider kid's toys, kid's projects, and kid's things within my house, they are allowed to "do whatever." They just need to clean up afterward.

To tell you the truth, if some parent I didn't know all that well was dropping off his or her kid and started quizzing me, say, on what movies we were planning to watch, I'd be more likely to simply declare all tv-watching off limits than try to apply some arbitrary standard to what they can watch. And like my parents did, probably quietly move that child to the "do not invite" list for the future.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
What I'm describing--kids taking whatever dvds from the available dvds and watching them--isn't just the way I grew up, it's the way I see most parents I interact with are functioning. They'll check maybe on what a parent wants a 3 or 4 year old to be watching, but *they don't know what the 8 year old and his friends are watching,* exactly.

What I see is parents keeping an eye on what their kids do. The kids put movies in without checking with their parents, but the parents check on the kids and know what they are watching and have veto power. If parents don't know what their child is watching, they aren't putting enough effort into parenting.

I don't censor my kids at all, but I know what they watch and what they read. My kids have more freedom than any kid I know in real life, which is part of the reason that I'm very careful with other people's kids.

Most parents I know also keep an eye on what their kids are doing on-line. I also talk to parents about what web sites their kids are allowed to visit.

Only the parents who really don't spend any time with their kids skip this stuff. If you aren't talking to your kids about what they watch, read, play, etc., then you are skipping not only part of your responsibility, but part of connecting with your kids.

If you continue doing what you are doing, eventually your kids will end up with a friend who isn't allowed to play at your house. It's only a matter of time. Then your child will be sad. Your *free range* style ends where other parents get to make decisions, so unless you respect their choices, your kids pay the price.

BTW, the rating for movies is on the back of the box. If you have bootleg copy, you can look it up on-line. It's not that hard.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
If you continue doing what you are doing, eventually your kids will end up with a friend who isn't allowed to play at your house. It's only a matter of time. Then your child will be sad. Your *free range* style ends where other parents get to make decisions, so unless you respect their choices, your kids pay the price.

Or my kids will end up with friends who they aren't allowed to invite to my house, which I find to be more likely.

I had several friends who I wasn't allowed to invite to my house while I was growing up, because they had more restrictive rules than we did, and my parents didn't want to deal with the grief if the kid went home and reported to their parents that they'd been allowed to do, watch, or read something my parents didn't know they weren't allowed to do, watch, or read. Because even if you enforce the rules you know about, you find that there's some other rule you didn't know about on something you never even thought might be an issue.

It was vaguely annoying at the time, but looking back at those friendships . . . none of them were really worth it anyhow. I've even recently found some of those girls on facebook, and it kind of shocks me that maturity-wise, they seem to be at least a decade behind me.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
Only the parents who really don't spend any time with their kids skip this stuff. If you aren't talking to your kids about what they watch, read, play, etc., then you are skipping not only part of your responsibility, but part of connecting with your kids.

I think there also comes a point where talking about everything they read or watch becomes impractical and limiting, though.

In 5th grade, I participated in a reading contest. In 6 weeks, I read 7,500 pages. That's an average of about 240 pages a day (for me, about 2.5 hours of reading). As a gifted kid and speed reader who was mis-tracked in a public school system (something my parents had spent almost two years struggling to have corrected), I had the time to read 240 pages a day. As a teacher herself, my mom didn't have time to keep up with me reading 240 pages a day--that simply would have been impractical. I knew that she was there if I needed or wanted to talk about something I'd read, but reading my way through entertainment literature (for example, one of the things I read through during those 6 weeks was the entire Xanth series as published to that point, which I believe was 9 books) I'm not sure there was a whole heck for me to want to talk about. If my mom had tried to limit me to reading what she'd pre-approved (especially during those years), I probably would have gone bonkers.


----------



## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

At 10 yrs old, if it is a PG-13 then I think its very inappropriate for a parent not to at least "mention" the movie may be watched while your child is in their home.







You're not a prude...you're a parent. Bottom line - this is _your_ child.


----------



## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Jurassic Park is pretty hardcore in places. I let my kids watch it a few months ago, and I might not have if I'd remembered a few things more clearly. However, ds2 loved it, so c'est la vie.

My now 14 yr old DS watched this at 4 yrs old the first time. It didn't bother him in the least. He also has always loved scary movies, ever since he was young. They don't affect him. BUT I am his parent and as his parent I make the choice of whether or not he viewed them at what ever age.


----------



## amydidit (Jan 21, 2005)

I guess I'm an odd one out, but I have no problem with that. By age 8 I would expect children to be able to speak up if something is going to be shown that their parents wouldn't be comfortable with. And older than 10 or 11 then there aren't many movies I would stop my DD from watching anyway. As long as they weren't showing porn.







I trust DD's judgment when it comes to movies.


----------



## bobandjess99 (Aug 1, 2005)

I would turn it around and say that if you are concerned, it is something YOU should have mentioned. Especially if you know your beliefs/restrictions are probably on the stricter side.
If you were truly concerned about something, I guess I'd expect you to mention it to me..like if your kid had a food allergy or religious restriction to something, etc - something that woudl affect/be an issue at a sleepover.
I think it's naive to assume other families even THINK about stuff like restricting tv. I don't think it's probably so much of a situation where the mom thought it through and was like "my 10 yr old can see this, so these other 10 yr olds probably can too" but more a situation where limiting viewing choices just dosn't even enter many people's minds.
Just because it's important to you doesn't mean it's even on another parents radar.
And that doesn't necesarily make them a bad parent.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
Or my kids will end up with friends who they aren't allowed to invite to my house, which I find to be more likely.

How does that fit into "free range parenting"?

I really cannot imagine telling my kids who they can and cannot have over based on being too lazy to read the back of a DVD box.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
I think there also comes a point where talking about everything they read or watch becomes impractical and limiting, though.

I have two kids -- ages 11 and 13. Both are avid readers. I cannot keep up with everything they read. I read part of what they read and I stay in the loop.

There's a difference between being controling and being clueless.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
How does that fit into "free range parenting"?

I really cannot imagine telling my kids who they can and cannot have over based on being too lazy to read the back of a DVD box.

I'm not going to be applying rules I don't believe in because some other parent demands I do. My house, my rules. You want your rules at my house . . . bye.

Seriously, you can't see how allowing another parent to impose their rules at my house is directly counter to the idea of "free range parenting"?


----------



## springbabes (Aug 23, 2003)

maybe it's good i'm seeing this thread because i would have no idea to check with other parents before letting a 10 year-old watch twilight. in fact, several 10-year-olds watched twilight at my house and i didn't even think to call the parents to see if it was ok. some neighbor girls brought it over to watch with my 12-y-o and 10-y-o daughters. they already had a few friends over so i had 7 or 8 girls watching it in my living room.

i tend to be rather free-range with my kids. by age 10 they watch whatever i watch. before that i avoid any thing that will give them nightmares. i know not to let other people's children watch everything my children do--weeds, for example--but twilight, truly i had no idea. i agree with a previous poster who said if you're that worried about what your kids watch it's _your_ responsibility to let other parents know.

[pardon the lack of caps--my shift keys aren't working.]


----------



## dawningmama (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bobandjess99* 
I would turn it around and say that if you are concerned, it is something YOU should have mentioned. Especially if you know your beliefs/restrictions are probably on the stricter side.
If you were truly concerned about something, I guess I'd expect you to mention it to me..like if your kid had a food allergy or religious restriction to something, etc - something that woudl affect/be an issue at a sleepover.
I think it's naive to assume other families even THINK about stuff like restricting tv. I don't think it's probably so much of a situation where the mom thought it through and was like "my 10 yr old can see this, so these other 10 yr olds probably can too" but more a situation where limiting viewing choices just dosn't even enter many people's minds.
Just because it's important to you doesn't mean it's even on another parents radar.
And that doesn't necesarily make them a bad parent.

ITA.

I wouldn't think twice about showing a PG-13 film to 10 year olds just because the movie was rated PG-13. I can't think of anyone in my social circle who would, really. I would expect a 10 year olds to be able to know their own boundaries and rules. My youngest is really sensitive to scary/thriller/conflict scenes in movies so she self-censors and walks out of the room when the music starts swelling to something scary.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *darcytrue* 
My now 14 yr old DS watched this at 4 yrs old the first time. It didn't bother him in the least. He also has always loved scary movies, ever since he was young. They don't affect him. BUT I am his parent and as his parent I make the choice of whether or not he viewed them at what ever age.

Yeah. DS1 would never have been bothered by something like Jurassic Park. DD1 gets a little freaked out by parts of it, but still watches the rest. DS2 says it's scary, but he loves it. I just wouldn't let someone else's kid watch it at my house. I'm not sure what age I'd stop screening, though...


----------



## BunniMummi (Jan 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
To tell you the truth, if some parent I didn't know all that well was dropping off his or her kid and started quizzing me, say, on what movies we were planning to watch, I'd be more likely to simply declare all tv-watching off limits than try to apply some arbitrary standard to what they can watch. And like my parents did, probably quietly move that child to the "do not invite" list for the future.

So we are supposed to get to know the other parents well enough to understand their viewpoints on things like this and simply trust them but you don't want people asking you those sorts of questions? You can't have it both ways unless you will only allow your kids to play with people you know extremely well, and at some point I can pretty much guarantee you that they will make a new friend and you will know squat about their family.

I'm not actually friends with all of the parents that my children come into contact with. They don't go home with people I don't at least know casually and feel ok about but I can't say I'm close to them. I don't always know what movies they watch or what music they like and they don't know those things about me either. So I expect to get some questions about what sorts of food I might make or what kinds of things the kids will be doing. It's not a slight on my parenting skills, it's just reality of having your kids hang out with people that you aren't close to and wanting to check that some of the bases are covered first.

Don't blame it on "free range parenting" I happen to follow that general philosophy as well and I would still run what I do with other people's kids by them if I thought there was any possible problem and yes, showing a PG-13 movie to under 13 kids would fall into that category.

As for the question in the OP. Well, I think I would have appreciated getting a heads up but given the situation where the movie showed up as a gift at a party I probably wouldn't make a big deal about it personally.


----------



## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
I'm not going to be applying rules I don't believe in because some other parent demands I do. My house, my rules. You want your rules at my house . . . bye.

Seriously, you can't see how allowing another parent to impose their rules at my house is directly counter to the idea of "free range parenting"?

I guess I don't know what 'free ranging parenting' is. What has this got to do with letting _your_ kid ride a bike to the library or walk alone to school or take a bus, solo?

How in the world is this allowing another parent to 'impose' their rules at your house? Maybe it's just polite consideration?


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BunniMummi* 
I'm not actually friends with all of the parents that my children come into contact with.

The older kids get, the less we know the other parents. With little kids, the parents socialize at the same time as the kids, but big kids spend the night at houses where the parents have NEVER met before and may be spend 5 minutes touching bases at the start of the evening.

Some kids easily speak up for themselves about not wanting to watch something their peers are into, and some don't. Seriously. Many kids this age have trouble voicing their views with their peers. It's pretty normal. And there's no way I'd want to send some child ~who I barely know~ home having nightmares because my kids are just in a different place with this that that child.

I've also talked to my kids about speaking up for themselves at other people's homes if something is one that they don't want to see. My kids do PG-13 scary movies, but not R movies. At if parents of 10 year olds think that PG-13 is no big deal, then how many parents of 13 or 14 year olds think R is no big deal?

It has nothing to do with *enforcing* rules. It's about encouraging my kids to figure out things to do that truly work for everyone. It's just about respecting differences and being polite.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 
I guess I don't know what 'free ranging parenting' is. What has this got to do with letting _your_ kid ride a bike to the library or walk alone to school or take a bus, solo?

How in the world is this allowing another parent to 'impose' their rules at your house? Maybe it's just polite consideration?

To me, at least, it's a philosophy about allowing kids freedom to make choices within boundaries that tend to be slacker than seem to be the norm around here.

By the time I was 10, I had the ability to walk to the video store myself, rent a video of any rating G->R, bring it home and watch it with my friends without my parents even being aware of what was being viewed. My parents would have never have thought to call the parents of my friends to "ask" them if they were allowed to view some movie or another . . . because my parents wouldn't have been aware of what was being viewed. That type of day-to-day, minute-to-minute supervision was never employed. That's why kids whose parents demanded that type of supervision were excluded--because my parents trusted us to make good decisions, OR to get them involved immediately if the decisions we made went wrong. They weren't going to change their rules, or their methods of supervision because some particular kid was over.

But that isn't to say that my parents were uninvolved. We had many family discussions over time about the affects of media, of media-displayed violence, and etc on our own perceptions. If there was ever anything I wanted to talk about to my parents, they were always willing to sit down, watch it with me (if it was a video), discuss it without any judgment as to why it had been chosen.

What I can say is that I NEVER felt the desire to lie to my parents what anything I'd viewed (or read, or learned for that matter), never felt that I had any reason not to tell them about something. I showed this thread to my husband, and got a several hour story-telling of the many times he had lied/deceived his parents about the video-viewing he'd done at various friends houses, because his parents did have rules like "no PG-13 before 13", or "no 9pm shows before 13".

Ironically, given where we live, my kid isn't going to be able to have exactly the types of freedoms that I had--and kind of wish that he could. But I look around at how my neighbors (several of whom will very explicitly tell you that their philosophy is similar to mine) act and supervise, and I see myself doing things about the same way as he gets older (my neighbors have kids up through their late teenaged years). The kid currently has, and will continue to have, access to dvds that I consider to be of value, without much regard to rating. He's going to be trusted to make decisions regarding what he wants to watch. I really can't see him being 10 years old, and saying that "hey, generally I trust you to make your own decisions [within the boundaries I have set, here by including the dvds within the dvds you have access to], but when Bobby is over, you need my approval to watch anything because Bobby's parents are hung up on a specific rating system."


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

In addition:

Within the philosophy of the freedom to make their own choices . . . I will say that I (as the CHILD) kept myself somewhat aware of limitations that some of my friends had. I, my sibs, and my parents also had discussions on the concept that other parents were more restrictive, and that we had to think about the consequences of us and our friends deciding to violate those restrictions, given the freedoms my parents allowed. Including the possible consequence of that friend no longer being allowed to be a friend.

And that--giving the child the information to make smart decisions regarding possible consequences, is also part of it. In general, I and my sibs self-moderated up to a point. I don't recall ever renting a R-rated movie to share with my friends until age 16 or so, although I do recall renting some specific R-rated movies to view myself before that point. I recall some friends of my brother's getting in trouble for viewing the Halloween movies with him at age 15.

But from what people here are saying, that concept--making the children aware that some of their friends are going to be more limited in their viewing choices, and that they have to take that/the possible consequences into account when making decisions on what to view, doesn't seem like it'll be enough.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

I don't think I would have thought twice about showing Twilight to a group of 10 year olds. I would have asked the group of kids if everybody agreed on that movie. I know there are some kids that wouldn't speak up, but I think I'm pretty good at noticing if a kid is not enthusiastic about doing something and would have had them pick another movie if I felt someone was uncomfortable.

I would expect that at 10 yrs old a child would tell me if they are not allowed to do something, eat something, or watch something. In that case, I would also have the group watch/do something else.

Would I have an agenda ready for the parents as they dropped off their children? No, probably not. There are just too many different "hot buttons" to try and have them all covered. I would expect a parent that has an issue, with movie/game selections, food allergies, etc. to bring that to my attention.

As far as not having a "high-maintenance" child over, I would still have them over, but maybe not in a large group. It's kind of hard when all the other kids want and are allowed to watch Twilight, and there's one kid that can't. I think in that respect, that parent IS trying to control other households, especially if they don't understand why their child is not invited to things.

IMO, by the time they are old enough to be at someone's house without me, they are old enough to be exposed to more mainstream things. Even if you don't agree with what they do/see, it's a learning opportunity and a chance to talk about a subject that may not have come up otherwise. I never understood the "I'm not ready to talk about a,b, or c, with my child" argument. Seems like a cop out. If they are not in physical or psychological danger (think loaded guns, hardcore porn, etc.) than why not use the experience to teach and grow instead of just getting upset that the big bad world is encroaching on the bubble of their childhood?


----------



## roadfamily6now (Sep 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *springbabes* 
maybe it's good i'm seeing this thread because i would have no idea to check with other parents before letting a 10 year-old watch twilight. in fact, several 10-year-olds watched twilight at my house and i didn't even think to call the parents to see if it was ok. some neighbor girls brought it over to watch with my 12-y-o and 10-y-o daughters. they already had a few friends over so i had 7 or 8 girls watching it in my living room.

i tend to be rather free-range with my kids. by age 10 they watch whatever i watch. before that i avoid any thing that will give them nightmares. i know not to let other people's children watch everything my children do--weeds, for example--but twilight, truly i had no idea. i agree with a previous poster who said if you're that worried about what your kids watch it's _your_ responsibility to let other parents know.

[pardon the lack of caps--my shift keys aren't working.]

I too am glad I stumbled upon this thread. I was just telling my oldest DD (15) she should have invited all her friends over for a SAW marathon!

I never would have thought to ask the parents.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cschick* 
I'm not going to be applying rules I don't believe in because some other parent demands I do. My house, my rules. You want your rules at my house . . . bye.

Seriously, you can't see how allowing another parent to impose their rules at my house is directly counter to the idea of "free range parenting"?

But it isn't about you. It is about your dc and the friendships they choose to foster.

It is about being considerate, not being controlled.

What about talking to your kids and letting them have the choice? (invite friend and respect the parent's limits, or not invite the friend)


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
But it isn't about you. It is about your dc and the friendships they choose to foster.

It is about being considerate, not being controlled.

What about talking to your kids and letting them have the choice? (invite friend and respect the parent's limits, or not invite the friend)

It is about me, or the parents are going to make it about me if the kids fail to make good choices.

I (the adult) am not going to implement the amount of _supervision_ required for ME to make sure that the children respect the parent's limits. The kids will have freedom to make "bad" choices which are in violation of their parents' limits while under my roof. As I said above, I get the feeling from this thread that making my kids aware of their friend's limitations would not be enough . . . 99% of the time, they probably will obey those limits; the problem is the 1% of the time that they don't.

I know that when I was the child allowed more freedom than my friends, I was the one willing to follow those limits, and it was my friends who were generally pressuring me to help them violate their parents' limits. And when the friends managed to pressure to the point of violating limits (or violate an limit unknown to me/us), it was my parents at whom the other parents directed the blame, not at their children.

It's not worthwhile to include those kids. And given what I see in this thread, the not-worthwhile-ness of including those kids and parents has grown over the past two decades.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
But it isn't about you. It is about your dc and the friendships they choose to foster.

It is about being considerate, not being controlled.

What about talking to your kids and letting them have the choice? (invite friend and respect the parent's limits, or not invite the friend)

But that works the other way too, doesn't it? It's up to both sets of parents' whether or not the kids' relationship is worth it. Does that mean that my child, who has fewer limits, can go over to the controlling parents' house and do whatever they would do at my house? No way! My kids follow the rules of the house.

That being said, I wouldn't NOT invite a child over if I felt the limits were reasonable, and I was willing to do them. Watching a different movie is no problem, but for example enforcing an early bedtime would be too much for me personally. But if a child is a guest at my house, I'm not going to try and use their parent's discretion when choosing every little activity. I have NO IDEA what someone else's idea of good and bad are, unless we've been friends for an extended period of time, and even then the chances of being wrong are pretty high.

At 10 years old, a child knows what they are allowed and not allowed to do. I really think that if that child goes to someone elses house and does something you don't allow, that is a discipline problem. If you feel your child won't speak up, then maybe they aren't ready to be out in the world without you yet.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
But that works the other way too, doesn't it? It's up to both sets of parents' whether or not the kids' relationship is worth it. Does that mean that my child, who has fewer limits, can go over to the controlling parents' house and do whatever they would do at my house? No way! My kids follow the rules of the house.
.

The way I see these things (when there are two standards of appropriate), it takes two "yesses" for a yes. The parent of the visiting child AND the parent of the host must say "yes". So, no, it wouldn't turn around and allow your child to follow your more lax rules in another person's home.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Right! So the more lax parent is expected to change their household rules (or lack there of) because it's "considerate" while the more controlling parent (I hate to use that word 'controlling', but for lack of another I will) is not. Which is why, I think, it IS about control and not just consideration.

All safety issues aside, I think that when a child comes to my house, and the parent has a laundry list of things their child can not do/see/watch/eat (aside from allergies), that is telling me that this parent a) has no faith in MY judgement as a parent,b) doesn't really trust that I will make sure their kid doesn't turn into a juvenile deliquent or a scared pile of mush, or c) is subtly trying to tell me how I'm lacking in raising my own kids.

I think it's sad, but if you are a parent with very specific rules, maybe you SHOULD only let your children be around other kids' who's parents' share the same philosophy. I think you'll be limiting your childs understanding of the world by doing so, but that's just my opinion.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
But that works the other way too, doesn't it? It's up to both sets of parents' whether or not the kids' relationship is worth it. Does that mean that my child, who has fewer limits, can go over to the controlling parents' house and do whatever they would do at my house? No way! My kids follow the rules of the house.

Right. If my child wants to go over to the house of a friend with more restrictive limitations/supervision, (a) that's his decision, and (b) thus, his responsibility to follow the limits of the house. If he doesn't like that, he doesn't have to go. If some other parent really wants to supervise my kid to an extent I consider excessive, be my guest.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
That being said, I wouldn't NOT invite a child over if I felt the limits were reasonable, and I was willing to do them. Watching a different movie is no problem, but for example enforcing an early bedtime would be too much for me personally. But if a child is a guest at my house, I'm not going to try and use their parent's discretion when choosing every little activity. I have NO IDEA what someone else's idea of good and bad are, unless we've been friends for an extended period of time, and even then the chances of being wrong are pretty high.

Right, and we all have our definitions of reasonable. After my experiences as child, the "watching a movie" restrictions are a trigger--an indication that there may be further restrictions/supervision requirements that I'm unaware of, and I'm going to get blamed for if the child violates them. Heck, I remember my mother getting reamed out by a mother because she allowed a bunch of girls at a sleepover to walk 3 blocks through a sleepy neighborhood to purchase ice cream at the corner store. In our family, the sister who was three years YOUNGER than that group of girls was allowed to run grocery errands alone to that store; my mom never thought that a girl of that age (11) wouldn't be allowed to walk to the store.

I'm not willing to play that game. I'm not willing to change my entire parenting and supervision attitude because your child is over, and I'm not willing to guess at what things you might believe "should be understood" and "are common sense". (buttercup784ever, you does not mean you . . .







)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
At 10 years old, a child knows what they are allowed and not allowed to do. I really think that if that child goes to someone elses house and does something you don't allow, that is a discipline problem. If you feel your child won't speak up, then maybe they aren't ready to be out in the world without you yet.

In my experience [from childhood], the kids who don't speak up aren't speaking up because they aren't brave enough--they aren't speaking up because they really don't want to speak up. They want to do the disallowed thing, and they want an excuse to feed their parent.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

I guess all I can say is that my experiences (both as a child, and as a mother of an 8 yo child) have been very different. The parents generally communicate freely (a phone call to say "Is it ok if we do _____? Just checking!" during a playdate occasionally occurs). No one is reamed out (good lord!). The kids aren't jumping at chances to get away with stuff. We just all assume that the parent knows the child best, and is the best judge of what the child can handle.

That said, I think you are on the right track with not allowing the kids to come over if they have different rules and you are unwilling to accomodate them. You are doing the other parents a favor, as well as yourself.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I guess all I can say is that my experiences (both as a child, and as a mother of an 8 yo child) have been very different. The parents generally communicate freely (a phone call to say "Is it ok if we do _____? Just checking!" during a playdate occasionally occurs). No one is reamed out (good lord!). The kids aren't jumping at chances to get away with stuff. We just all assume that the parent knows the child best, and is the best judge of what the child can handle.

That said, I think you are on the right track with not allowing the kids to come over if they have different rules and you are unwilling to accomodate them. You are doing the other parents a favor, as well as yourself.

I think you're going to find things changing as your child gets older, though.

Most of the conflicts between parenting philosophies really start to emerge as parents start giving their children freedoms as they mature; as parents become less immediately involved in what their child is doing from minute-to-minute. 8 is barely the beginning of that: most 8-year-olds are still going to be under pretty decent supervision. But by 10 . . . a lot of kids have a lot less supervision. By 12 . . . the division between what parents still view their preteens as "children requiring absolute protection" versus "children who are quickly becoming adults" really hits.

12 was really about the worse. At 12, I and some of my friends had been allowed to walk all over our neighborhood for years, take the bus to the pool, etc for several years; while others still weren't allowed to walk to school. But generally, we used that freedom to go visit the houses of the friends who didn't have that freedom.

At 12, my mom gave me permission to take public transit into downtown Chicago all on my lonesome, or with friends. Where did I/we go? The downtown library, the Art Institute, the Field Museum. That was when the group really broke into two: those of us who had that freedom, and those of us whose parents couldn't even grasp the concept of allowing their child something like that.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
(a phone call to say "Is it ok if we do _____? Just checking!" during a playdate occasionally occurs). No one is reamed out (good lord!). The kids aren't jumping at chances to get away with stuff. We just all assume that the parent knows the child best, and is the best judge of what the child can handle.

Yeah, this would rarely happen at my house. I would call if we were going to leave the house in the car and go do something, but for just general activities...um, no. And if a child needs his parent to be contacted to find out what he/she can "handle", I really think that child is too young or immature to be out without parental supervision.

I just imagine the kids asking to walk to the video store. Wait, I have to call so-and-so's mom and see... what if there are 3 or 4 kids? Do I call ALL their parents'? What if they all say yes except 1? What if they all say yes, and then the kids come home with Twilight? Do I have to call all their parents' AGAIN and ask if they can watch it? It gets pretty ridiculous, right?

But I think the different philosophical ideas we hold are clearly spelled out in each of our posts. Would I call a child coming over to my house past the age of 4 a playdate? No. Kids come and go around here. It's not scheduled, I don't plan activities for them before hand. The kids decide what they want to do, and they do it. Nobody's been maimed yet!


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
But I think the different philosophical ideas we hold are clearly spelled out in each of our posts. Would I call a child coming over to my house past the age of 4 a playdate? No. Kids come and go around here. It's not scheduled, I don't plan activities for them before hand. The kids decide what they want to do, and they do it. Nobody's been maimed yet!

Same here. I can't see calling 8-year-olds playing together a playdate.

I can't see _organizing_ a playdate for 8-year-olds. The 8-year-olds in our neighborhood generally tell their mothers whose house they'll be in, tell their mothers when they switch houses. People do call, or shout across the street, if they need to run to the store or something and a younger kid not-theirs is going to go with them.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
But I think the different philosophical ideas we hold are clearly spelled out in each of our posts. Would I call a child coming over to my house past the age of 4 a playdate? No. Kids come and go around here. It's not scheduled, I don't plan activities for them before hand. The kids decide what they want to do, and they do it. Nobody's been maimed yet!

FTR, I _despise_ the word "playdate", and my dd handles her own social schedule (although she depends on us for rides). I just don't know what else to call it when dd spends a couple hours at another child's home. Is there another single word for that?

I definitely disagree that a child being too young to know exactly what they can or can not handle is too young to be out without a parent. I don't send her to unsupervised homes, after all. Most of the kids I host in my home need plenty of supervision!

As for calling all the parents, if it is a question, I'd err on the side of caution and not get a PG13 movie for the 10 and under set. Then no phone call is necessary.

I guess we'll cross the 12 yo bridge when we come to it....


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Ah, but I think there is a difference between supervising and interfering. And since you place rules on the parents' that watch your child, it seems you don't trust their supervision. I really feel that by doing so, you are trying to replace someone else's judgement with your own.

In fact, I have to disagree that as a parent you are more aware of what your child can handle. I know I'm shocked all the time by the way my kids react to the world. Usually it's when they are with someone else who exposes them to something I wouldn't have thought they were ready for, like Thai food or an upside down roller coaster. Sometimes WE are the ones that aren't ready, and the only way for some of us to get out of that rut is allow them to go out and experience how other people do things.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
Ah, but I think there is a difference between supervising and interfering. And since you place rules on the parents' that watch your child, it seems you don't trust their supervision. I really feel that by doing so, you are trying to replace someone else's judgement with your own.

In fact, I have to disagree that as a parent you are more aware of what your child can handle. I know I'm shocked all the time by the way my kids react to the world. Usually it's when they are with someone else who exposes them to something I wouldn't have thought they were ready for, like Thai food or an upside down roller coaster. Sometimes WE are the ones that aren't ready, and the only way for some of us to get out of that rut is allow them to go out and experience how other people do things.

Well, like I said, you are doing the other parents a favor by not inviting their kids over









And, no, I don't trust the supervision or judgment of someone who doesn't even bother to check the ratings of movies before showing them to young guests


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
Well, like I said, you are doing the other parents a favor by not inviting their kids over









And, no, I don't trust the supervision or judgment of someone who doesn't even bother to check the ratings of movies before showing them to young guests









And I don't necessarily trust the judgment of someone who puts any sort of reliance into something I believe to be a very flawed system that says very little about the content of any movie.

Then again, I can name some G-rated movies I would not personally choose to bring into my house, because the messages in those movies disturb me. But if my child expresses a desire to watch those movies though we will probably get them for him to see; or if he tells me that he's seen them elsewhere, then we may discuss them.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

While I was in the shower I thought of a good example. Let's say you have a child over to play, and the kids decide they want to bake brownies. (Assume no allergies, if a parent doesn't disclose allergies that's a whole different story.) I would "supervise" them, by helping them put things in and out of the oven, being available for help with ingredients or directions, etc. I would not call the other parent to see if this activity was ok.

After they finish it's close to dinner time and the other child is going home. Using my better judgement, I'd let them have a small taste of the brownie and send them home with some for after dinner. Maybe your child isn't allowed to eat anything before dinner. I would not call to ask permission, but if the child said "no, I'm not allowed" I'd let the child do whatever is comfortable for him/her.

There are about a million things that some people (especially here on mothering) would find offensive. The use of packaged brownies, the fact that their child is eating gluten, chocolate, eggs, etc., the fact that they ate something like that before dinner, whatever. But this is a perfectly acceptable activity at my house that doesn't affect the safety or long-term well being of the children. There is just no way to know what some people will find offensive.

I'd also like to add that there are G rated movies that my extended family won't let their children watch because they offend them. Anything with magic is a big no-no. How would you feel if someone questioned your judgement because you let the kids watch Dragontales or Teletubbies?


----------



## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
In fact, I have to disagree that as a parent you are more aware of what your child can handle. I know I'm shocked all the time by the way my kids react to the world. Usually it's when they are with someone else who exposes them to something I wouldn't have thought they were ready for, like Thai food or an upside down roller coaster. Sometimes WE are the ones that aren't ready, and the only way for some of us to get out of that rut is allow them to go out and experience how other people do things.

buttercup784ever I am right there with you in all of your posts.








to the above.


----------



## maggiemae (Apr 10, 2004)

I thought I might add something more appalling than a Twilight viewing for a ten year old girl. My husband took my two and four year old sons to see Snakes on Plane when it first came out! I have no idea what made him do it to this day.


----------



## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
I'd also like to add that there are G rated movies that my extended family won't let their children watch because they offend them. Anything with magic is a big no-no. How would you feel if someone questioned your judgement because you let the kids watch Dragontales or Teletubbies?

Talking about magic . . . someone earlier in this thread offered the Harry Potter movies as movies that parents "should" get permission to show to guests.

The HP movies aren't all PG-13.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maggiemae* 
I thought I might add something more appalling than a Twilight viewing for a ten year old girl. My husband took my two and four year old sons to see Snakes on Plane when it first came out! I have no idea what made him do it to this day.









OMG









Sounds like something my mom would do. How did the kids like it? I thought the plot of that movie was pretty much geared toward their age group.


----------



## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

There have been a lot of good points made on this thread, on both sides of the issue.

I tend to be pretty lax about what my kids watch but if we have friends over I will make sure to ask ahead of time about what movies we watch just in case. I don't want to be deemed irresponsible and blacklisted by my friends.









I would still trust a parent who had a more lax parenting style than mine unless there were major safety issues involved. I don't think any kid will be traumatized for life by watching a PG-13 movie.

If one of my kid's friends had tons of rules we had to follow when they came over to my house they probably wouldn't be invited over anymore. It's just not worth the hassle to me and it wouldn't be fun to always be worried about the parents getting mad at me for one thing or another.


----------



## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

My friends mom took us to see Nightmare on Elm Street when we were in the 3rd grade. My mom was hot! But a few years later she had no room to talk because she rented Children of the Corn for a sleepover. She did not look at the cover or the rating just assumed that it was a kids movie because it had the word children in it.


----------



## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bobandjess99*
I would turn it around and say that if you are concerned, it is something YOU should have mentioned. Especially if you know your beliefs/restrictions are probably on the stricter side.
If you were truly concerned about something, I guess I'd expect you to mention it to me..like if your kid had a food allergy or religious restriction to something, etc - something that woudl affect/be an issue at a sleepover.
I think it's naive to assume other families even THINK about stuff like restricting tv. I don't think it's probably so much of a situation where the mom thought it through and was like "my 10 yr old can see this, so these other 10 yr olds probably can too" but more a situation where limiting viewing choices just dosn't even enter many people's minds.
Just because it's important to you doesn't mean it's even on another parents radar.
And that doesn't necesarily make them a bad parent.

I agree with the latter, but it is ridiculous to say I should mention every single little thing I do not agree with on the off-chance my child may be subjected to it. I mean, do I ask about weapons and pets - of course! But I'm not going to make a laundry lists of common-sense dos and donts. I guess, imo, mature media would be a common sense thing. I guess, in this situation, I was wrong.

And, add me to the list of children that were able to watch anything and everything. My mom watched A Clockwork Orange with me when I was 7 (or was I 8...?). Maybe that experience (amongst the MANY others from my childhood) has made me a bit more wary.

Also, it wasn't the rating that set me off, that is a guideline. It's just that I have read the books (while the mom showing the movie had not and had *absolutely nothing* to go off of in her decision) and I know what happens in them and how Hollywood loves to take that further and push the bar. If my child is going to see, hear or learn something, I'd like to know. I don't see that as unreasonable, I see that as responsible.

Again, thanks for all of the replies. Very interesting!


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SAHDS* 
I mean, do I ask about weapons and pets - of course! But I'm not going to make a laundry lists of *common-sense* dos and donts.

I agree. I think the only real point one can debate is whether or not it is common-sense that some parents don't feel that PG-13 movies are appropriate for 10 year olds.

I'm fuzzy on how it is possible, since by definition the movies are questionable for kids under 13, that anyone can fail to understand that some families prefer that their ten year olds not see them, or only see certain ones. It just seems like common sense that some families would put some thought into PG-13 movies and kids under 13.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
It just seems like common sense that some families would put some thought into PG-13 movies and kids under 13.

I agree! Especially when showing them to _other people's kids_.

The PG13 doesn't stand in place of my own good judgment, but it is a useful tool nonetheless.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SAHDS* 
Also, it wasn't the rating that set me off, that is a guideline. It's just that I have read the books (while the mom showing the movie had not and had *absolutely nothing* to go off of in her decision) and I know what happens in them and how Hollywood loves to take that further and push the bar. If my child is going to see, hear or learn something, I'd like to know. I don't see that as unreasonable, I see that as responsible.

I read the books too, and I saw the movie. I think, just like Snakes on a Plane, they are geared toward the preschool to tween age group.







I'm wondering if at 13, would the same parents think it's OK for the kids to watch the PG-13 movie?


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
I'm wondering if at 13, would the same parents think it's OK for the kids to watch the PG-13 movie?

I wouldn't expect anyone to check with me before showing a PG 13 movie to my 13 yo.

I might or might not be ok with my 10 yo seeing a PG13 movie (my 8 yo has seen some), but I would appreciate checking with me first so I can decide.


----------



## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
I would have been upset if a parent had shown my 10 yo child Twilight. I think the movie ratings are a good way to guide choices (they are sometimes quite off, but a good stepping off point hello PG-13!~)

I have not seen the movie, or read every response, but given MDC opinion that there's not much sex or violence in it, I suspect they carefully edited the movie to *avoid* a PG rating. Your greater underage movie going public is not going to flock to a PG movie the way they will to a PG-13 movie. Of course they can't get into an R movie ... so PG-13 has become a very coveted rating.

However, I absolutely think the parents should be consulted.


----------



## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pigpokey* 
I have not seen the movie, or read every response, but given MDC opinion that there's not much sex or violence in it, I suspect they carefully edited the movie to *avoid* a PG rating. Your greater underage movie going public is not going to flock to a PG movie the way they will to a PG-13 movie. Of course they can't get into an R movie ... so PG-13 has become a very coveted rating.

However, I absolutely think the parents should be consulted.

That's interesting...

I wonder if there was any difference in the demand for the Harry Potter movies, since some were PG and some PG13?

I just saw Twilight, and agree that both the violence and the sex are mild, but the _subject matter_ is still lust--blood lust for the vampire, carnal lust of the girl. A lot of long, lustful gazing and heavy-breathing scenes. I've got nothing against lust in movies (I kind of like it, lol!), but I'd feel icky watching it with my prepubescent child (had to make a decision, because she was recently invited to a New Moon party). The subject matter feels very teen+ to me. YMMV, of course!


----------



## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

It's so weird that I saw Dirty Dancing for the first time at a sleepover too!!!!!







Small world. I was 9, and I remember telling my parents the next day because I knew it was inappropriate for me to see, and I felt guilty.

My son's will likely not want to watch Twilight any time soon but I am protective of what they see as well. I don't want them to see PG-13 movies without me. I want to be there to answer any questions/ explain things to them.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
That's interesting...

I wonder if there was any difference in the demand for the Harry Potter movies, since some were PG and some PG13?

The Harry Potter movies were a truly unique phenomenon. I know Twilight is crazy popular, too, but I don't think it has quite the same vibe as the Harry Potter movies. The fans were going to flock to those, no matter what...and the fans are quite an age spread. The only factor that seems to be affecting demand (based on people I know - have no idea how the numbers stack up) is that the more Harry Potter movies are made, the less the fans expect from them.


----------



## runnerbrit (May 24, 2006)

My ds is 10. When he was younger I would call and ask the parents first; about video games, movies, etc. Now that he is 10 I ask the child if the movie is PG-13 or if the video game is not E for everyone. (I do not allow R movies or A video games without the parents approval). I expect that at age10 the child is old enough to understand and implement their families' values when out of their parents line of sight.

That being said, I do let each family know where I stand before their child comes to my home for the first time. That way if they have a rule like "my child can only watch PG unless I have seen the movie first" they can tell me and then the paragraph above would not apply.


----------



## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

Again, I can't simply go by the rating. I mean, some Harry Potter movies are PG-13 and then movies like Be Cool, Anchorman, The Dark Knight, Couples Retreat, etc. are PG-13 too (YIKES.)


----------



## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I'm renting Twilight this weekend. This thread is making me nuts to know what's up with this movie.


----------



## buttercup784ever (Aug 22, 2008)

I just watched it yesterday on my IPOD at work! LOL

It's soooo cheesy, but I can't quit Twilight.


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sebarnes* 
But that's the exact point. YOU are, but not all families of 10 year olds are. It's about respecting the different standards of different families.

yeah i think this is a v. hard thing to follow.

in general public. i think we ourselves are a little more protective of our children.

for a ten year old - i probably wouldnt have really raised my eyebrows over twilight.

i mean how many in general follow the PG13 rule? most of what my 7 year old and her friends watch are PG 13 arent they? even kung fu panda was PG.

plus she got it as a bday present. no violence, no sex.

however i am pretty permissive where movies are concerned.

my dd loves, loves romances. her all time favourite movie is Bright star. go figure. gave me a chance to introduce her to keat's poetry


----------

