# how to handle baby's "rough love"



## spiraldancer (Dec 1, 2001)

Hi all, just wondering if I could get your thoughts on the best way to handle the rough love of big, strong 5.5 month old babe? I'm talking about hair pulling, pinching, face pulling, punching/thwacking, etc. during nursing and while co-sleeping. I remember my other lo's getting a bit rough but not until they were bigger, and I felt they could understand when I told them "that hurts mama" or made a sad face to show them I didn't like something. This ds is still so young, I'm not sure how to respond. I still try telling him (sometimes I can't help but yell ouch or make a face) when I don't like something but I know he's too little to get it - and of course I do try and tie my hair back, etc. to minimize opportunities. Any suggestions on how to encourage gentleness in young ones? He is also very affectionate and loves cuddles and kisses and being tickled, so I try to love him up as much as I can to show him how contact can be mutually enjoyable too . . .









Also, I've noticed that recently he's starting to be quite rough on himself. Like bashing himself on the head and face with his fist while he's falling asleep to the point where I'm worried he's going to hurt himself. He tends to fight sleep and this seems like it might be some weird method he's instinctively developed to keep himself awake? Or else some kind of way of blowing off extra energy as he winds down? Anyone else's lo do this, and have any insights about it?


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## gagin37 (May 25, 2008)

my ds is very rough too, at that age as well as now. he frequently hurts me and i can't imagine how he's not hurting himself. i try to show him gentle touch, but it usually makes him mad to be diverted from his pinching or scratching, pulling, etc. i try to keep his nails cut close so that he's not constantly scratching himself.


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## Hesperia (Sep 3, 2007)

Maybe a swaddle to help him control his major motor skills while he sleeps?

And use 'gentle hands' to encourage touching you like


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## jt'smum (Apr 13, 2004)

DD like to grab my face. I just take her hand and rub it on my face and say gentle hands she smiles and goes for the hair, repeat process. She so far has been gentle to herself it others she likes to "attack"


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## Gentle~Mommy :) (Apr 21, 2009)

please don't think I'm a mean mama, but when my youngest went through this phase I put baby socks on his hands when we nursed. He was mostly scratching not pinching but the little sockies helped so much.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Sorry but I have to say it:

food insensitivies? allergies?

I have a brother like that and it took the complete removal of dairy to keep him from self-stimming/inflicting pain.

I'm sorry if I'm reading into it too much. The way I saw it w/ my brother, he was in so so much pain that he was hitting himself to block out the worse pain.

DD pinches me and pulls my hair. I think it means she wants to be cuddled more. She will pull on my hair when she wants me to run my hand through her hair. It's cute and super painful lol.


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## Ironica (Sep 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
Sorry but I have to say it:

food insensitivies? allergies?

I was going to say the same... or possibly sensory integration disorder, or both (some families find that SID dramatically lessens in the absence of certain trigger foods, like dairy or gluten).


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

My big strong 7 month old son is extremely physical and is always fidgeting, kicking, arching, grabbing, pinching, pulling, and scratching. It has been pretty challenging to deal with, but few things we have done to help are:

1. Swaddling him for sleep.
2. Putting baby socks on his hands while nursing (I was beginning to dread nursing because of all the pinching and scratching, and I had scabs all over my breasts, neck, and sides before I started doing this; he doesn't seem to mind at all and it actually seems to help him relax).
3. Wearing a nursing necklace for him to fiddle with while nursing if socks are not around and for him to have something to play with when he is in the Ergo so he doesn't grab the flesh of my neck and hold on for dear life







:.
4. Making sure he has toys or other safe objects around at all times to keep his hands busy. I even got a clip so I can keep a toy attached to the Ergo or my shirt if needed.
5. Wearing my hair up.
6. Keeping his nails clipped as short as possible.
7. Gently taking his hand and stroking my arm or whatever and telling him "gentle." I don't know if he really understands yet, but he has started to smile when I do this and seems to like the sensation. I think eventually he will catch on.


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## littlebabydoll (May 15, 2008)

I cant offer a way to stop it, but my 2 cents are

Babies are primitive creatures. Just as they once has a tail in the womb they are growing up through the stages of our evolution. They are like primitive men and will just grow out of it with time.

Im sooo bad at discouraging the hair pulling. I let him. It makes him SO happy, just as much as the boob. He just pet/pulled/held it to sleep just now. Funny thing, to get him to concentrate on nursing I wear a fur scarf. He pets and grabs that instead. It just makes me think of primitive man/woman being hairy. It seems to common from the stories here, I'd say its deeply ingrained in our insticts.


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## icy02 (Oct 28, 2008)

My 4.5 mo just started pulling on my hair. Really he pulls on my hair or graps my face to pull me down to him for kisses. It is really very sweet but it hurts like h*ll! I will usually just accomadate his need for kisses, snuggles, and hugs. Then I try to pry my hair from his tight grasp. If he starts pulling really hard I say "OUCH that hurts mommy" even though he is probably to young to understand yet. If I say ouch loud enough it may distract him enough so I can get my hair free, lol!


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## starlightsound (Feb 18, 2006)

My 11mo is just now growing out of this stage. Phew!!!
He would do everything you described: pinch and smack while nursing, fidget and twist and scratch and even give bites instead of kisses. And then there's the hair pulling! While he still gives open-mouthed head butts as kisses, he's come a long way.

I learned if you keep your hair in braids it doesn't hurt if they get a good tug.

Between that and trying to redirect the affection (holding his hand and repeating "gentle," offering toys clipped to myself to play with while nursing, etc), he seems to have moved on.

As far as the smacking himself, DS doesn't hit himself when he's going to sleep, but he will pat the bed or my chest as he's drifting off sometimes. It's usually on days that have been really active or overwhelming. I've always chalked it up to a way of decompressing or recentering himself.

Hope this helps!


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## funfunkyfantastic (Feb 9, 2008)

I've tried the "gentle" thing, but she just doesn't get it yet. I just try to keep her from hurting the cats right now. If she tries to pull at their fur I help her flatten out her hand and say "gentle" as I move her hand along their fur. If she gets so aggressive that she hurts me I go "ouch!" and detach her hand from whatever body part she is gripping. But I do let her play with my hair a lot because it comforts her. When she's really fussy it's one of the only things that calms her down. I'll suffer for my babe... lol.


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## nerdymom (Mar 20, 2008)

My boy does this too. He is 6 months, and after areally busy day, or if there's a lot going on, he starts the whacking himself in the head thing. I just take his hand and hold it, kiss it, and he relaxes and drifts off. To address the food sensitivities, I minimalized my use of dairy during my pregnancy due to my own issues with it, and cut it out all together after he was born, due to his sensitivities. I also live with family who are on a wheat/gluten-free diet, and we all mostly eat the same things, so I doubt it's gluten.

For the pinching, grabbing, and etc, I simply redirect his hands. He loves to grab and shake and bite things, so if he pulls my hair I make an "ouch" face, say "that hurts mommy" and give him something to grab. I also had all my hair cut off ala Ani diFranco and it is SOOO much easier to take care of, and it's harder for DS to pull. Maybe a little drastic for some, but I love my hair! If we are nursing I will have him hold a small blanket (the size of a dish cloth) or a soft furry toy. I also keep his nails quite short.


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## Crafty (Jan 13, 2003)

When ds was that age and was too rough, I would take one of his hands and lightly rub it against my hand or my face and say, "Gentle, gentle, hands aren't for hitting!" He picked up on it pretty quickly, although I had to wear my hair up almost every day from eight months on, because that proved to be too big of a temptation for him!


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## Astraia (Jan 1, 2009)

DD is 5 months and is in the same stage- she pinches and scratches me while nursing, or whenever she's tired really she'll start pinching. She also has been doing the hair-pulling the last couple of weeks, and I usually wear little hoop earrings and she's pulled them out a few times so I need to invest in something different..

I also say "gentle" and pry her hands off of me, and I find it helps if I can redirect her hands (while nursing to sleep) to the mattress, and she can scratch and pinch the sheet all she wants. Although we're having trouble with nursing to sleep in general, so... yeah...

She doesn't hit herself but she does flap one hand wildly and will really grind her hands into her eyes or pinch her eyelids and then I tell her "gentle" and move her hands.


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## spiraldancer (Dec 1, 2001)

Thanks so much for all the support and suggestions to everyone who responded! It's comforting to know that this is such a common experience for a lot of us, and hopefully something that our lo's will grow out of sooner than later. I think that ds2 might just be a bit of a monkey - tonight I swear he had a mischievous glint in his big blue eyes as he clamped his gummy (for now!) little jaws around my nipple and smiled! I'm hoping that teeth don't appear any time soon . . . I'm really not looking forward to being bitten!

claddaghmom, I have been off dairy since ds2 was about a month old and it has helped a lot with his overall fussiness (he was the most "colicky" of my 3 kids during the newborn stage and it really threw me for a loop!) so I do appreciate that food sensitivities might have a role to play in this. I've thought of going off wheat/gluten but I just haven't had the will to do it yet - maybe it's worth a try, though. He doesn't really show any other allergy symptoms, like rashes or weird poops, so my hunch is that it's not a big issue at present but who knows?

ironica, I'm quite resistant to labeling isolated behaviors as being symptomatic of a deeper problem (ie. SPD) w/o having a lot of clear reasons to do so, but I appreciate that it's good to be aware of possible links, and that dietary connections are important, so thanks.

littlebabydoll, I think I know what you mean, it does seem the rough behaviours are some very instinctive, brutal expression that will naturally evolve into a gentler form as baby grows and matures. I have to say, though, that my ds1 was such a soft and gentle boy right from the start (he's still very gentle and sweet at 8), that I do think some of this has to do with individual nature/personality (my dd was more like this one - but not so extreme- and while she's a gorgeous and talented 12 year old now she's still kind of rough!).

riverscout, I really like your list of suggestions! Very practical and reasonable. Thanks especially for reminding me about wearing fiddleproof jewelry to keep little hands busy while nursing. I just dug out an old chime ball necklace from when ds1 was a babe, and ds2 loves it! Amen to the short fingernails and hair put up, and lots of little toys to grope. He seems so big now, but maybe I should still try swaddling to see it that helps, and that mittens/socks idea seems worth a shot, too.

thanks to everyone for all the great reminders about teaching "gentle hands"! I think you're right, it's not too early to start practicing that one.

nerdymom, I bet your hair looks way cool! you must feel so light and free. it's tempting to chop it all off, but I'm afraid I'm a little too attached to my long locks. hair elastics are my main fashion accessory right now though!









astraia thanks for mentioning that your lo's did the hand waving thing while nursing. I hear you about the hoop earrings, they were my mainstay too. what now?

and starlightsound, thanks so much for giving me some hope! I'm happy to hear your lo has moved on to newer, less painful ways of expressing himself. I appreciate your observation about chest-smacking during nursing being related to overstimulation/tiredeness. I like your way of seeing it as a way of "decompressing" or "recentering" - that makes it sound more positive!


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