# Cutting your daughter's hair REALLLLLLY short.



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I have a friend who lives in another state. She has two daughters. Seven and five.

The five year old was twisting her long hair. I guess it was becoming a bad habit, and in the morning, trying to brush through it was a nightmare.

They told her if she couldn't stop herself... they would cut her hair.

They BUZZED it. I mean, like an army buzz.

Then they sent everybody pictures of her new "do" and she doesn't look happy about it. She's not crying in the pictures, but she certainly isn't smiling either.

Is this an overreaction to a bad habit? Or a perfectly reasonable reaction?

OH... and she was agreeable to a "Ramona Quimby" haircut, but they figured she'd just go back to the habit if she had any hair.


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## Mrsboyko

Not sure how reasonable it is, but my mom did similar. When I was about 5 I was running my fingers thru my hair when I slept and anything knotted was being pulled out. Gobs at a time. My mom cut it like a pageboy style. i still resent it.


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## major_mama11

I would call that over-reacting to the point of being emotionally abusive. Especially cutting it that short, against her will, and then sending out pictures to everyone...

Some day, those parents are going to wonder why the daughter never visits...


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## Alyantavid

Way overreacting.

I bet you she will remember this forever. This and the aftermath, the teasing she'll have to listen to.

My mom didn't want to deal with long hair so she kept mine short. Not buzzed short, but not much longer. It was awful, people made so much fun of me. And I didn't even have any bad habits, just a mom who didn't like long hair.


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## major_mama11

I had a friend in junior high whose mom insisted all through her childhood that her hair had to stay boy-short, because it was so very very curly. She hated having it that short. It made her a target for teasing, and she resented her mom not letting her grow it out longer. In high school, she finally stood up to her mom and grew it out, but her r'ship with her mom never recovered all the years of hair weirdness and control issues.


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## kwilki8

I think that's definitely an overreaction. I could see bobbing her hair to get the habit under control, but such a short cut seems excessive.


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## Porcelain Interior

I think the buzz cut is overkill and humiliating. And most of the parents that see the child are going to assume she had head lice and the parents couldn't get rid of it unless they buzzed the kids head. (I've seen this actually happen many times and it leaves the child with a stigma.)

Unless the child requested the cut I think it's quite cruel. I would choose a shorter length if a child wasn't able to take care of their hair or was resistant to letting me care for it. No way would I buzz it off.


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## Kirsten

Quote:


Originally Posted by *major_mama11* 
I would call that over-reacting to the point of being emotionally abusive. Especially cutting it that short, against her will, and then sending out pictures to everyone...

Some day, those parents are going to wonder why the daughter never visits...









I think so too. Really sad.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Porcelain Interior* 
Unless the child requested the cut I think it's quite cruel. I would choose a shorter length if a child wasn't able to take care of their hair or was resistant to letting me care for it. No way would I buzz it off.

Agreed.

Is this friend normally like this or was it her dp's idea or did she just snap? That is really a huge overreaction IMO.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~

That is abusive, humilating, and uncalled for if you ask me.


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## tjlucca

I would call that over reacting. My DD had long hair and HATED having it brushed. We talked with her about it and came to a mutual decision to get a Pixie cut for her. She is happy (no more brushing), I am happy (no more screaming), and she gets compliments on all the time. Sounds like the buzz is probably emotionally abusive.


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## lynsage

There is no reason they couldn't have at least started with the shorter haircut she agreed to with the warning that they may have to go shorter if she can't stop the behavior.

My DD has long hair and once in a while we have to have a talk about her chewing it, twisting it, resisting having it brushed, etc. and I have never had to actually cut it. Just talking to her about needing a cut if she can't stop the behavior (and using a lot of detangler) is enough for her, but if we ever did come to the day where we had to go through with a short haircut, there is nothing on Earth that would compel me to buzz all her hair off if she doesn't want it that way.

The sending out pictures sounds to me like they are either REALLY cruel and actively trying to use shame and humiliation to control her behavior, or they feel guilty about what they did and are hoping everyone will react as if this is funny and not a big deal, so they can use that justification to make themselves feel better.


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## nextcommercial

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
Is this friend normally like this or was it her dp's idea or did she just snap? That is really a huge overreaction IMO.

I didn't think so. But, her own dad was that way when she was young.

I do remember one time when her 7 yr old was very little, and newly potty trained. I was impressed that the daughter had chosen panties to match her dress. (I assumed she put them on herself) and my friend said "She doesn't get to choose.... it's my job to choose, it's her job to wear it".


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## RiverSky

Abusive and completely mean.


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## Drummer's Wife

That is awful









I've heard of people doing similar when their little girl had lice -- which I still think is cruel.


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## zoe196

.

I do remember one time when her 7 yr old was very little, and newly potty trained. I was impressed that the daughter had chosen panties to match her dress. (I assumed she put them on herself) and my friend said "She doesn't get to choose.... it's my job to choose, it's her job to wear it".[/QUOTE]
























Zoe, mama to Thomas 1/06


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## ann_of_loxley

IMO and over reaction. My son does not want his hair cut at all - so he has long beautiful hair. Cept it used to not be so beautiful because he never wanted it washed or brushed. When he finally did - it was a nightmare! lol...I thought I would have to cut lumps out but with the help of a ton of conditioner we got there in the end. I would never have threatened him to do something like that to his body and his personal space.
I often hear parents say things like that to their child who likes to chew/suck on their hair. Big deal?!...At the end of the day, its not yours...its theirs.
But to do it and then shame the child by taking photos and sharing them?! Thats just sick.
Thats how I feel anyhow.


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## funkymamajoy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *major_mama11* 
I would call that over-reacting to the point of being emotionally abusive. Especially cutting it that short, against her will, and then sending out pictures to everyone...

Some day, those parents are going to wonder why the daughter never visits...

















I would've braided her hair at night or at least given her a cute shorter cut. When it grows back, she'll just go back to twisting it. It might be worse now because the parents just added anxiety atound it.


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## karne

Terrible. And to send pictures out is really beyond the pale. I feel so sorry for the little girl.

I got a pixie cut in kindy because my mom insisted. I have NEVER forgotten the feeling. My own dd has had some challenges managing her hair, including being willing to take care of it, yet wanting it long. There are many, many ways to preserve your child's self esteem and help them learn self care w/out resorting to what feel like shaming them. It's sick.


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## prothyraia

Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?


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## Frootloop

That was WAY overboard and completely uncalled for. To give her a buzz cut and then send pictures out to people.. that wasn't done to keep her from doing it, it was done solely to humiliate her. I'm sorry, but that is emotionally abusive, IMO, and yes, I HAVE been abused.

I feel so incredibly sad for this little girl. She will remember this forever.


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## funkymamajoy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?

Its not the haircut that I feel is abusive, its sending out a picture to humiliate the child.


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## Dabble

I wouldn't use the word abuse. But I'd say it was definitely thoughtless on the part of her parents. At age 5, she certainly is going to remember this, and has the right to be angry about it. She most certainly feels humiliated and embarrassed, ashamed and upset. It hurts to have callous parents.


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## hillymum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *funkymamajoy* 







I would've braided her hair at night or at least given her a cute shorter cut. When it grows back, she'll just go back to twisting it. It might be worse now because the parents just added anxiety atound it.

Twisting hair like she was doing is a symptom of stress, which isn't surprising if this is a good example of how her mother treats her. To send out photo's? Thats just vendictive!


The first thiyng that came to mind was the way French women were punish for sleeping with the enemy!


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## moaningminny

My 4.75 year old DD's hair is a mess. We keep it in a bob, which helps a little but she's very resistant to having it brushed and to be honest I'm not prepared to fight her over it. If I'm lucky it'll get brushed and I"ll be able to get a clip in it. I certainly wouldn't grow it long, because things get even worse, but I definitely would not buzz it - for crying out loud, it's just hair! And she's 5? How many 5 year old girls out there have perfect looking hair?

Anyway, I think it's a HUGE overreaction. Again, it's.just.hair.

I would definitely consider it humiliating for that poor child. It sounds like the mother has control issues.


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## lifeguard

Buzzing it seems extreme but I most definitely will be keeping my children's hair cut short if they refuse to cooperate in the taking care of it.


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## Poodge

My mom had my hair cut very short at the start of middle school. I had a bad perm and it ruined my hair. It was not buzz cut short, but very, very, very short. I hated her for it until it grew out, so about three years and got teased alot for my short "boy" haircut.







To this day I am obssesive about my hair. My relationship with my mom is wonderful and it did not ruin it long term, but I think her seeming remoresful for cutting it went a long way. If she had taken pictures and sent them out I would have been angry for a long time.


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## hermionesmum

It would be the how it was done, rather than the act of cutting hair that would make this acceptable or not. If there had been plenty of discussion and it was a consequence of the child not being able to get the knotting habit under control then I completely understand. Wrestling with a kid who doesn't want their hair brushed in the morning is no fun for them or their parents.
Making it a punishment for knotting her hair would be very sad.


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## tinuviel_k

I think buzzing her hair was totally inappropriate, and this is coming from a mama who DID buzz her daughter's hair!

Last year my little girl (age five) pleaded to shave her head for months. "I want to be all bald up like Papa!" After a month we decided to let her, and took her hair all the way to the scalp with clippers. She loved it, and she wanted to send everyone pictures!

The difference here is that this little girl did NOT want to shave her head. For her it is not a desire of her own, but a sign of shame and punishment.


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## not_telling

I think this is terrible, too.

I had very long hair as a little kid and it got horribly knotty just on its own, not cuz of anything I ever did to it. My mom patiently brushed it every day, which I hated (!) - although she made it a little better by telling me "Tangle Stories" about the tangles who partied in my hair and loved to drink the juice from the pickle jar.


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## 4C-mom

Thats horrid.

when i was 7, i had head lice. and medium length hair? so to fix it, my mom cut my hair....but not all of it. was boy short...not buzzed, but prob 1 inch long. except for one large section in front that was chin lenght. i looked like a 2nd grade punk rocker. my school picture i had that horrid haircut and a pink tshirt that said "my dad is a trucker" i dont have that pic anymore, but that was horrible









21 years later, i dont remember if i was teased (but really, how could i not have been?) but i do remember the haircut...my mom tried to make me feel better by cutting off 1 inch off her waist length hair. didnt help

she wasn't being abusive, i think she just didnt know any better way to get out all the lice. and wanted to leave some long...


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## becoming

Oh my gosh. I'm sure that buzzing all her hair off & sending out humiliation photos to family & friends is going to really help her with that nervous habit!









I think this is horrible. Absolutely horrible.


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## beanma

I'm going to vote for horrible also and I do think it's emotionally abusive, just like CIO.

I have a 5 yr old dd with butt length fine hair that has never been cut in her whole life. I have offered to cut it many times if she would like it. She gets horrible tangles, but she does try to brush. She can't get them all, though, so I have to go in and do the dirty work and sometimes they're quite bad and she screams bloody murder.

We know folks with dreadlocks so I explain if we don't get her tangles out they will turn into dreadlocks. I let her know that it's okay with me if she chooses to have dreadlocks when she's older, but right now I worry that she would change her mind and the only way to get them out if you change your mind is to cut your hair really short.

I explain that shorter hair like Emma's or Sarah C's doesn't tangle nearly as much and that I had short hair as a child (my choice) and that she can try a shorter haircut if she hates getting her hair brushed too much. She always refuses the offer of the haircut, but still gets really bad tangles and still cries and fusses when we get them out.

We vow each time to do a better job preventing the bad tangles, but even if she doesn't keep up with brushing I would never buzz her head. That's just cruel. She would be beyond sad and mortified going to school. I can barely imagine. Sending pictures takes it way over the top. I'm not sure I could continue to be very close friends with a mom like that.


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## mamadelbosque

I don't know. I had my hair buzzed as a little kid (must have been somewhere in that 5-7yr range, maybe a bit older even?), and my DS1's hair is currently buzzed for the same reason - he was literally pulling it out while going to sleep (he'd twist it around and around in his fingers and then yank it out as he was falling asleep). So, I can totally see how parents would find it to be neccasary - DS1's had buzzed hair for a good 3 or 4 months and he STILL tries to twist it around his fingers and yank it out. If we hadn't buzzed it he'd have even less hair and it'd have been yanked out vs cut off.

And maybe it was because of my personality and/or because I wanted it, but I don't recall being teased about my buzz cut at all, ever. Doing it to your DD cause' she's pulling her own hair out might not be the nicest thing possible, but I'd hardly call it abusive.


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## rhiandmoi

I think it was an overreaction, but not abusive in itself.


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## buttercup784ever

Aww, I feel bad for the little girl. My brother's roommate's ex shaved their daughters hair when she got lice because they couldn't get rid of them. I thought it looked kind of cute, and told her so, but she was very unhappy with it, understandably.

Personally I probably wouldn't do it for hair pulling unless I had tried EVERYTHING to get it to stop (braiding, pixie cut, etc.) and it was causing problems like infections on the scalp. I would consider it for hair eating because that can be dangerous, but again, I'd try everything else first.

I think the bigger problem is if the parents are treating this as some kind of punishment. That will probably do more damage than the actual hairstyle. I'm not sure from the post what the intent of the photos were, but it reminded me of the time both my kids got lice. I did take pictures of them in plastic shower caps and send it to my IL's and some friends. It was hilarious, but the kids were in on the joke and were clearly hamming it up.

I'd have to have more details before I would call the OP's friends abusive, I guess.


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## becoming

This is a bit OT, but here's what I don't understand: What's with the tangles? My 4-year-old DD has hair halfway down her back and NEVER gets tangles... Is this a hair type thing? If it makes a difference, hers is straight, medium thickness, and we wash it daily or every other day and 99% of the time let it air dry after combing/brushing it out.


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## Frootloop

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
This is a bit OT, but here's what I don't understand: What's with the tangles? My 4-year-old DD has hair halfway down her back and NEVER gets tangles... Is this a hair type thing? If it makes a difference, hers is straight, medium thickness, and we wash it daily or every other day and 99% of the time let it air dry after combing/brushing it out.

Oh, it's definitely a hair type thing! DD has super fine straight hair, but _lots_ of it. When she was little and had long hair almost to her waist, every morning was a struggle with her hair since it would be completely matted in the back (we even brushed it well before bed). Brushing after a bath wasn't much fun either. It's not as bad now that she's older, but she still gets tangled up pretty easily even with shoulder length hair!


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## becoming

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Frootloop* 
Oh, it's definitely a hair type thing! DD has super fine straight hair, but _lots_ of it. When she was little and had long hair almost to her waist, every morning was a struggle with her hair since it would be completely matted in the back (we even brushed it well before bed). Brushing after a bath wasn't much fun either. It's not as bad now that she's older, but she still gets tangled up pretty easily even with shoulder length hair!

Oh okay, I guess I can just be thankful that DD didn't get tangley hair then! That sounds like a nightmare.


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## Trinitty

That actually made me gasp.

That is a violation of a child's person to do such a thing.

For the daughter's sake, I hope that is the only cruel thing they do to her, but, I sadly doubt that is the case.

I remember how I felt when my mother _threatened_ to cut my long hair off as a small child, when she was exhausted and grouchy.

It was a terrible feeling of violation, objectification and helplessness. She didn't do it, and I'm sure forgot about what she said, but I still remember it.

Shame on them.

What was the tone and context of them sending you the pictures? "Here, look what we did to fix her wagon" or "Here is the latest pictures of Daughter" ??

If you are close with the family, I would send her a really pretty hat or something to take the sting out of it.

While I don't use the word abuse very often, for those who think that posters are over-stating this, please: find a quiet moment and imagine that someone shaved your head against your wishes. How does that feel?

Trin.


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## Frootloop

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
Oh okay, I guess I can just be thankful that DD didn't get tangley hair then! That sounds like a nightmare.

Haha, it was! I was really sad when DD got hold of the scissors and whacked her own hair off over her ears when she was almost 4 yrs old, but there was secretly a big part of me that was like,







no more tangles!


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## meemee

waaaaaaaaaaaay overreacting.

feel so sad for the 5 year old. esp. that age is such an impressionable hair.

i would put it down to sheer cruelty for the emotional wellbeing for her dd.

i know if i had done that to my dd she would have been waaaaaaaay upset - close to traumatised.


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## AliciaP8

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ann_of_loxley* 
IMO and over reaction. My son does not want his hair cut at all - so he has long beautiful hair. Cept it used to not be so beautiful because he never wanted it washed or brushed. When he finally did - it was a nightmare! lol...I thought I would have to cut lumps out but with the help of a ton of conditioner we got there in the end. I would never have threatened him to do something like that to his body and his personal space.

Ditto. My son's hair looked like crap a lot of the time when he was younger but he wanted it long and I didn't figure it was something I needed to control. We had an "agreement" that at times when I needed it to look decent for me I would wash it for him and condition it and he would brush it. He didn't like it but he got to run wild most of the time.

If I had to say what bothered me most was other people commenting on how I should cut his hair all of the time. Seriously, he's polite, does well in school and is kind hearted - why mees with a good thing









I feel bad for the little girl in question. Not only was her personal space violated but no one expects hair that short on a girl. If she didn't ask for it that would be mean.


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## confustication

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tjlucca* 
I would call that over reacting. My DD had long hair and HATED having it brushed. We talked with her about it and came to a mutual decision to get a Pixie cut for her. She is happy (no more brushing), I am happy (no more screaming), and she gets compliments on all the time. Sounds like the buzz is probably emotionally abusive.

This is what we did for my daughter as well, and we both like it. Now that she's oldr, she's decided that growing it out to donate to locks of love then cutting it short again is something she wants to do. She's done this twice now and loves it.


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## rainbowmoon

I doubt it is abuse, but I do think it's a bit drastic!


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## Viola

I've told my 6 year old that we might have to cut her hair pretty short. So far it's not too bad, but she absolutely won't let me brush or comb it. I do try, but it's basically against her will, and she starts wailing to wake the dead, and holds her hands over her hair. I give her a soft brush to use on herself, but it does little good. So I let her go about with tangled hair.

I think humiliating the child, and taking a photo of her and sending it out is horrid, but at the same time it's hard to know the dynamics. The thing about the clothes makes me think the mother doesn't feel her young children deserve that kind of autonomy, and it's possible she thinks she is teaching the child a lesson. But my children often look unhappy in photos, and may hate their hairstyles that they themselves asked for in some particular mood. I can make the consequences very clear and they say, "Yeah, we know, we know, I WANT it." Then later on, they are blaming me and saying it's my fault, and why didn't you tell me and so on and so forth. It's maddening! I doubt that's the case here, but still, it just reminds me of my 4 year old niece who was so pleased with herself for awhile when she cut her hair off at the braids, and then unhappy about it for weeks afterwards because everyone thought she was a boy.


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## fairejour

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 









I agree.

I disagree.

If someone cut off all my hair, without my permission, it would be a horrible moment, something that I would never forgive. Is it somehow "worse" because I am an adult, and no one has the right to do it? NO! *Children are people too!* Just because we, as parents, "have the right" to do it, does NOT make it ok. They (should) have the right to wholeness in their bodies, and the right to say who touches their body and in what way.

And this is coming from a momma who had a device surgically implanted in her child's head. I have faced HUGE decisions about children's bodies and their rights.....


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## the_lissa

Is there any info, besides an unsmiling photo, that the child did not choose this cut. A friend of mine had a dd similarly aged who chose that haircut.


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## GranoLLLy-girl

I don't know if this point was brought up--but I'll just put out what I was thinking as I read this--first the cut: the child was agreeable to the Ramona Q look (and I had to look her up to see who she was and what she looked like) but the parents said no. So this is not a medical issue.

But the thing that sticks out to me is this: most likely a five year old won't have access to her parents' email accounts (which is the way I am assuming the parents are sending out the photos) so that might not be so upsetting to the child as some folks are mentioning--I mean, if you think about it, if I get an email from a friend with a photo of a/that child, it's not likely I'll call the child and say: hey, I saw your photo....
BUT...that said...
there is a larger issue here: the fact that the parents even sent out such a photo AT ALL. *I think the message they are sending is: hey everyone, this is how we parent*.
I mean, if I did something like that to my child (first of all, I wouldn't but if I did)--I would probably have serious second thoughts about my actions and regret doing it. But it takes some time to take a photo and send it out--right?
Which means that they had time to process their thoughts and reactions to the situation and time to rethink the actions of sending out photos at all...which is what I find most troubling here.


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## One_Girl

I think the reasonableness depends on the severity of the twisting. Was she always twisting it and getting bald spots or just twisting it to get a reaction? If she was getting bald spots and they tried to get her to twist alternate things then I think shorter hair may have been a good option to try (not buzzed but definitely keeping it short for a long time). If a child is just trying for a reaction then I think that they should comb their own hair in the morning.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X

Quote:


Originally Posted by *major_mama11* 
I would call that over-reacting to the point of being emotionally abusive. Especially cutting it that short, against her will, and then sending out pictures to everyone...

Some day, those parents are going to wonder why the daughter never visits...


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## eepster

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?

Spanking though painful only lasts a few minutes. It isn't odd and unusual (though most of us wish it were considered that way.) Once it is over it is over.

CIO, only lasts a few hours at most, and is pretty common.

This has marked the child for months if not years. This punishment will be with the child constantly. Everyone who sees this child will ask what happened to her beautiful hair with a sad look on their faces. Other children will see her and tease her about it. She will have to explain over and over to people why she looks the way she does. She doesn't simply have an ugly haircut, she has an extremely dramatic haircut associated with the opposite gender. This isn't just about the physical punishment that happened during the cutting, it's also about the months of humiliation the child will now be subjected to.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X

For me it would have been worse than being spanked. Just the thought makes me want to cry.

Like pp said this is something that will cause her to experience ridicule and affect her self esteem.


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## nextcommercial

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Is there any info, besides an unsmiling photo, that the child did not choose this cut. A friend of mine had a dd similarly aged who chose that haircut.

Her mom said "We warned her" she also said "SHe wanted a Ramona Quimby cut, but we told her if she couldn't stop twisting it, we had to shave it".

However.... there are some pictures of her on facebook today sporting new pink jammies and a big black eye. (sledding accident) and she looks happy as can be.


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## Smokering

My mother forced me to get several bobs as a child, even though I desperately wanted long hair. I do still kinda resent it.







My hair did (and does!) get extremely tangly... but what I can't figure out is why Mum didn't braid it at night, or try any of the myriad natural haircare methods I've learned to keep it looking nice? Her own hair was thick and obedient, and when _she_ wore it long it did the right thing; so I can see how mine could have been a puzzler. But I wish she'd tried. It was a big deal to me - I'd scream and beg (and in fact, throw almighty Aspie embarrassingly dramatic tantrums) and she'd force me into the car, and when we got to the hairdresser I'd sob all the way through. It was all a bit tragic, really! And I HATED the bob, every time, and when it started to grow out I'd hope Mum wouldn't notice so I could keep it long... I think it was partly a princess thing.









Anyway, when I turned 13 I started growing my hair out for real, and have never had a major cut since. It's currently long enough to sit on and when occasion permits, I spend an inordinate amount of time doing it up in fancy braids. As teenage rebellion goes I could have been more dramatic.







But anyway, even though DD inherited my tangly hair I hope I'll always respect the way she likes it. It's a Thing with me now.


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## nudhistbudhist

My mother also cut my hair super short against my will when I was 5. I still remember how awful it felt. The hairdresser didn't want to cut it, she was almost in tears with me, but my mom insisted







It was long enough that I could sit on it, and they braided it and cut it off (my mom still has the braid. Maybe I should TAKE IT BACK!!!! IT"S MINE!!!), into a pixie cut. I felt like I wasn't a girl anymore.







I was so worried about going back to school. When people asked me why I had boy hair when I showed up at school I told them my mom cut it when I was sleeping







I think that was the first time I truly felt like my power was taken away from me.







BTW I dont talk to my mother much. And I have never been able to grow my hair past my shoulders since then. It seems to just stop growing. Now I have it dreaded and I"m NEVER CUTTING IT AGAIN!!!! I will also NEVER EVER cut my children's hair without their consent (or pierce their ears)... what a horrible violation!!!!


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## prothyraia

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
This has marked the child for months if not years. This punishment will be with the child constantly. Everyone who sees this child will ask what happened to her beautiful hair with a sad look on their faces. Other children will see her and tease her about it. She will have to explain over and over to people why she looks the way she does. She doesn't simply have an ugly haircut, she has an extremely dramatic haircut associated with the opposite gender. This isn't just about the physical punishment that happened during the cutting, it's also about the months of humiliation the child will now be subjected to.

That's a whole pile of assumptions right there. The OP wasn't there to hear the discussions of why it was done the way it was, and not every child with an opposite-gender haircut will be subject to months of humiliation.

I'll certainly concede that haircutting (like many, many, many things) can be used as a tool of emotional abuse, but I don't think the simple facts of 1) girl pulling hair, and 2) hair cut off- picture sent to family, together add up to abuse.







:


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## AbbieB

I used to teach in an elementary school in the deep south. The style of parenting that was popular with my student's parents used head shaving as a form of discipline. The idea was to shave the kids head so everyone knew he (never saw it done to a girl) was a bad boy. The kid would be teased by other kids and even some adults in the building.

The link to the article about French women was enlightening.

I don't see how anyone could argue that *forced* head shaving is not emotionally abusive. I will point point that there is a difference between shaving one's head with the sole purpose of shaming someone and shaving someone's head because you believe it to be necessary.

I think the parents from the OP made a really bad decision. I choose to believe that they thought they were doing what was best to "break" their daughter of an annoying, and potentially dangerous habit.

I do not understand the motivation to go for the buzz cut with out trying the short cut that the little girl was agreeable too. But I can see my Dad (because of the way he was raised) deciding to do something like this and just not getting the long term repercussions for the little girl.

Posting pictures immediately afterwords seems really mean, but our culture is a bit mean (Hello, Funniest Home Video type shows.)


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## bscal

This thread has been in my brain all day today. I feel kind of sick to my stomach thinking about it. On the one hand, really, we (meaning all of us posters here at MDC) do not know the exact circumstances of this child's hair being cut and all that. Perhaps people are jumping to big huge conclusions here!

On the other hand, hair is a very sensitive issue for me anyways. See, my grandmother is a very manipulative person. She has money and feels that she can wave that money in front of your face and make you do what she wants. And if that doesn't work then she guilts you into doing what she wants. When I was 10 years old she guilted me into having my hair cut into a pixie cut. I had just had it cut to shoulder length right before my sister and I came to visit her that summer and loved it that length. I cried and cried and told her no that I didn't want it cut and she absolutely manipulated and guilt tripped me into cutting it b/c she had these plans of giving my parents a fancy framed picture for Christmas. So after the horrible hair cut experience she took us shopping and bought us matching outfits and marched us over to Sears where she had our pics made. And I heard all about how expensive this was going to be and how if I was not cooperative that I would be responsible for ruining my parents' Christmas because of what a bad child I was. So I did cooperate. I had my hair cut and I put on that friggin hideous outfit and I smiled for the stupid picture. And then I kept my feelings to myself... until my mother caught me crying right after Christmas and I told her the entire story. Bless my mom and how awesome she is! She and my dad had a conversation about boundaries with the grandparents (my dad's parents). And my dear sweet mother took that picture down and put it away forever. (She thought it was horrid anyways!)

So I'm a bit nutty when it comes to cutting a child's hair without their permission. I usually trim my daughters' hair myself... after discussing with them how much they want it trimmed. And typically if they want it much shorter I'll trim an inch or two first and then wait a week or two to see if they still want more trimmed. DS is easy... even at age 2 he wants his hair like Daddy's. So he gets a quick buzz cut.

Oh, and for people who have issues with tangled hair... I have very thick hair. Like so thick if I wear it to my waist and then cut it to bra strap I lose 8 lbs. My older DD has super thick hair like mine. I use conditioner on her in the shower and also comb it through with a spray leave-in conditioner right after her shower. I usually braid it into 2 braids at night so it stays neat while she sleeps.

Done with my venting,
Beth


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## Dandelionkid

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?


Quote:

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc
Totally abusive.


----------



## Dandelionkid

Quote:


Originally Posted by *buttercup784ever* 
I'm really sick of these threads about "friends" turning into bash fests. These people aren't here to explain themselves, and the OP only has an outside view of what happened. I guess it makes some people feel like awesome parents when they can bash someone else without all the facts.

I would need to vent if I encountered this irl - it seems preferable to vent to people that don`t know them over people that do. I don`t feel like a better mom when I read these threads but I am reminded again of what I don`t want to do and why I am on the parenting path I have chosen.


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## blazer

Having just had to do this in September because my you gest was twisting and pulling to the point of a bald spot, I certainly don't think it was abusive OR overreacting from a high level. Since I don't know how the family interacts, I will just leave it there.

Also since I went through the experience I will say the outside world and my casual freibds truely do not know what the thought process or the steps I took before we got to the cut it off stage.


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## angelcollector1

I always had hair down to my butt until I was 7 and my aunt took me to get it cut up to my shoulders without my parents' permission because it was so thick and easily snarled that she felt it should be short and easy to manage and look good. I was very upset and so were my parents. Needless to say I still remember that to this day..almost 40 years later.


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## honeybee

I dunno... my ds1 has a bad habit of sucking on his fingers. He's 6, he really should be over it by now. So maybe I should just get his fingers surgically removed.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
Totally abusive.

Thats what I was thinking when I posted my reply, how humiliated the girl must have been.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybee* 
I dunno... my ds1 has a bad habit of sucking on his fingers. He's 6, he really should be over it by now. So maybe I should just get his fingers surgically removed.









I know I shouldn't laught at this, but I thought this analogy was great.


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## choli

I wouldn't be too quick to judge. I suffer from trichotillomania, and it started with hair twisting around that age. If my mother had shaved my head then, it might just have prevented the development of a condition that has had a horrible impact on my life.

By the way, I shave my head now, and don't consider it in any way humiliating - certainly not as humiliating as being unable to stop pulling my own hair out.


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## AbbieB

I think an adult dealing with trichotillomania and deciding that shaving her head is what works best for her is completely different than the situation the OP described.


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## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbieB* 
I think an adult dealing with trichotillomania and deciding that shaving her head is what works best for her is completely different than the situation the OP described.

It is a somewhat different situation in that the decision seems to have been made by the mother. If my mother had done the same, it's quite possible that I WOULD NOT now be an adult dealing with trichotillomania, and that would certainly have been well worth a few months with a buzzed head as a 5 year old.


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## JamieCatheryn

Wow, when DH (yes a guy) at age 12 (yeah, twelve) had his hair buzzed off as a punishment the school counselor was prodding him to admit it was abuse (he pretended he wanted it done to avoid a lot of imposed nonsense).

Unless she agrees to it for real a huge sudden difference in haircut, especially to an unusual one, is not cool to do to a 5 year old girl.


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## jeliphish

Cruel...


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## bjerme

I would consider that abuse, what a horrible thing to do.


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## Kirsten

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?

With the amount of information we have, I do consider it emotionally abusive. It isn't just an "ugly haircut". They shaved her head and seem to be doing their damndest to humiliate her on top of the natural humiliation the girl will go through in school and out in public in general. Unnecessarily cruel IMO.

Asking to have your head shaved would be a whole different story. Getting your hair cut short (not shaved!) if other options hadn't worked to get rid of lice would be a different story. What the OP describes is over the line of ok - and I am pretty mainstream in the MDC world.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
Spanking though painful only lasts a few minutes. It isn't odd and unusual (though most of us wish it were considered that way.) Once it is over it is over.

CIO, only lasts a few hours at most, and is pretty common.

This has marked the child for months if not years. This punishment will be with the child constantly. Everyone who sees this child will ask what happened to her beautiful hair with a sad look on their faces. Other children will see her and tease her about it. She will have to explain over and over to people why she looks the way she does. She doesn't simply have an ugly haircut, she has an extremely dramatic haircut associated with the opposite gender. This isn't just about the physical punishment that happened during the cutting, it's also about the months of humiliation the child will now be subjected to.

eepster described it perfectly. Poor girl...


----------



## eepster

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
It is a somewhat different situation in that the decision seems to have been made by the mother. If my mother had done the same, it's quite possible that I WOULD NOT now be an adult dealing with trichotillomania, and that would certainly have been well worth a few months with a buzzed head as a 5 year old.

While I can see this, wouldn't it be a last resort, not the first action taken.

How about as a first step braiding the child hair everyday. If that didn't work, pin the hair back into a tight bun. If it's still not working how about a bandanna tied around her hair. Then if it's still bad one could go for a short but girlish style (which according to the OP, the poor child had agreed to, but her parent rejected as not severe enough.) Shaving the head would be the last resort after all the other things had been tried.

Never mind that during all those attempts to physically prevent the child from twirling her hair, if it truly was at the point where it bordered on trichotillomania, and wasn't just a run of the mill common girl twirling hair habit, then she should also have been receiving counseling for her anxiety.


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## cowboyjunki

I think this is so horribly sad, and I do consider it to be emotional abuse. The fact that they did it, then sent pictures to everyone, shows that they were trying to "teach her a lesson" and humiliate her.

I feel so bad for that little girl having to deal with all the teasing and emotional after effects of this act of cruelty. It sounds like something from the movie "Mommie Dearest".


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## mamadelbosque

How is sending pictures of your kid with their new haircut that they maybe didn't want (but NEEDED - pulling hair out is NOT good - we did this to my Ds1 this summer and have kept it short as he was literally pulling his hair out and making bald spots on his head!!), trying to humiliate them?? I'd have gotten it and chuckled and smiled... I just don't get how this is 'abuse' emotional or otherwise. Its hair. It grows back. But as someone whose done this to my DS1 (and his sex had nothing to do with the decision - if I ever have a daughter whose pulling her hair out, she'll be getting a buzz too!!), and yes, we took pictures before, during and after and put them online for all the world to see, I just do NOT get it. This was done (from what I got from the posts), to keep her from pulling her hair out, not as a punishment but as a SOLUTION.


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## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamadelbosque* 
How is sending pictures of your kid with their new haircut that they maybe didn't want (but NEEDED - pulling hair out is NOT good - we did this to my Ds1 this summer and have kept it short as he was literally pulling his hair out and making bald spots on his head!!), trying to humiliate them?? I'd have gotten it and chuckled and smiled... I just don't get how this is 'abuse' emotional or otherwise. Its hair. It grows back. But as someone whose done this to my DS1 (and his sex had nothing to do with the decision - if I ever have a daughter whose pulling her hair out, she'll be getting a buzz too!!), and yes, we took pictures before, during and after and put them online for all the world to see, I just do NOT get it. This was done (from what I got from the posts), to keep her from pulling her hair out, not as a punishment but as a SOLUTION.

That was the sense that I got from the original post - that this was a solution. I think that perhaps Blazer, you and myself are the only ones who see it that way because we are the only ones who have personal experience of the problem either with ourselves or our kids.

Bald spots are a lot more unattractive, humiliating and hard to explain than a buzz cut. I speak from hard experience.


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## eepster

The OP said the child was twirling her hair and it caused tangles. It is a huge leap from that to bald spots.

Simply twirling hair is an extremely common habit of little girls. The most often heard complaint about it with grown-ups who still do it (and yes I've known some, and none had bald spots from it) is simply that they should have out grown the habit, b/c it makes them seem immature. Of course a 5 yo is immature, so that hardly seems like a valid reason to be concerned.


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## annekevdbroek

I think it is cruel. I think that sending the photo out to everyone is so insensitive and only serves to further humiliate the child.

If I had that problem with my son (who has shoulder length hair) I'd encourage him to get some reasonable cut. Shaving off his hair against his will would be such a violation. I I think it was a terribly mean and insensitive thing for the parents to do and I have little doubt the child will remember it for the rest of her life without any fond feelings for how her parents treated her in the situation.


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## Mama2Jesse

Quote:


Originally Posted by *major_mama11* 
I would call that over-reacting to the point of being emotionally abusive. Especially cutting it that short, against her will, and then sending out pictures to everyone...

Some day, those parents are going to wonder why the daughter never visits...









Yep.







Poor girlie.


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## fairejour

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
It is a somewhat different situation in that the decision seems to have been made by the mother. If my mother had done the same, it's quite possible that I WOULD NOT now be an adult dealing with trichotillomania, and that would certainly have been well worth a few months with a buzzed head as a 5 year old.

It is entirely possible that you would have switched to pulling out different hair. My hubby twisted his hair until it fell out and he had a huge bald spot when he was a child, they cut his hair and now he pulls out his eyebrows.


----------



## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fairejour* 
It is entirely possible that you would have switched to pulling out different hair. My hubby twisted his hair until it fell out and he had a huge bald spot when he was a child, they cut his hair and now he pulls out his eyebrows.

Yes, that's pretty common with trich. It's also entirely possible that I would have returned to hairpulling as soon as my hair grew enough to grab. I guess I will never know if it would have helped - but I still wish my mother had tried buzzing it before the behaviour became ingrained.


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## Cherry Alive

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
That was the sense that I got from the original post - that this was a solution. I think that perhaps Blazer, you and myself are the only ones who see it that way because we are the only ones who have personal experience of the problem either with ourselves or our kids.

Bald spots are a lot more unattractive, humiliating and hard to explain than a buzz cut. I speak from hard experience.

I had Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania to the point of having bald spots and scars, and I'd NEVER do to my child what the OP described. My OCD is anxiety related so whenever folks tried to pull that kind of sh*t on me as a kid, it made things a lot worse. Best things that helped me is when I stopped consuming all aspartame (it makes my brain go spinny). It actually stopped much of the compulsion by 80%. Cognitive therapy has helped me quite the rest of the way. This was something I had been fighting for nearly 30 years.


----------



## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherry Alive* 
I have Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania to the point of having bald spots and scars, and I'd NEVER do to my child what the OP described. My OCD is anxiety related so whenever folks tried to pull that kind of sh*t on me as a kid, it made things a lot worse. Best things that helped me is when I stopped consuming all aspartame and also cognitive therapy.

It's interesting that you found the cognitive therapy helpful, it wasn't really much help for me, nor were any of the medications I've tried. Are you in remission now? Maybe I should give the therapy another shot.

I should probably stop disrailing this thread...


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## KurumiSophia

That poor little girl. I, too, had a haircut that I did not want inflicted on me. While I wasn't as young as the little girl in the OP, it still haunts me to this day. Like her, I had a habit of twisting my hair and when I became nervous or agitated, it became worse. So when I was 15, my mother decided to *hack* off my hair with kitchen shears. It went from being 3/4 of the way down my back to just below my earlobes with exceedingly short bangs (they didn't even reach the middle of my forehead) in a matter of minutes. The humiliation still haunts me and I still won't have my hair that short because it brings back too many memories. This was utterly wrong and abusive of the friend. I'm so sorry she did that to her daughter.


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## Cherry Alive

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
It's interesting that you found the cognitive therapy helpful, it wasn't really much help for me, nor were any of the medications I've tried. Are you in remission now? Maybe I should give the therapy another shot.

I should probably stop disrailing this thread...

I am not in complete remission yet. I occasionally relapse for about 1/2 hour once a month or less, but I've completely stopped picking my face and pulling my hair for over a year-and that is huge.

Before that, I literally would be in the bathroom for hours. It was amazing how much it helped to stop consuming nutrasweet... I thought maybe it was the caffeine, but other caffeinated products don't bother me...yet uncaffeinated Diet Coke makes me as crazy as the regular kind. Even gum with aspartame has triggered episodes with me.

Cognitive therapy has done wonders, but it's taken me a long time to find someone decent. I'm also working some other things out with EMDR therapy. I tried meds, but for me they did more harm than good.

It took me a bit of research to find a good therapist to deal with the hair pulling and skin picking. I went through probably 5 or more before finding one who was any good. A lot of people do not understand obsessive hair pulling and skin picking. I even met some shrinks who acted disgusted by it.

I ended up using Psychology Today's list to find local therapists in my area who took my insurance and had experience with OCD (http://therapists.psychologytoday.co...rof_search.php). I picked out 4, set up consultation appointments, and interviewed them. The lady I'm seeing right now is awesome. She's helping me so much!

Online support groups have also been incredibly helpful. Being able to find others who have the same issue and can openly discuss it really helps. I try to be open with my DH about it too...like if I relapse I tell him and then we try to figure out what could have triggered it.

Back to the topic, I think shaming a child (or an adult) is not the way to go, because it can make one want to hid his/her problems. I've certainly been there.

Buzzing a kid's hair to stop hair pulling could work, but only if the kid understood why, that he/she wasn't being punished, and was on board to do it. That is certainly not the impression I received from the OP-and I just can't see that a five year old girl would voluntarily have her had shaved to stop her hair pulling...especially not have it (the buzz cut and her hair pulling) advertised to family and friends. That's just mean and chances are it could make things so much worse.


----------



## RockStarMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cowboyjunki* 
I think this is so horribly sad, and I do consider it to be emotional abuse. The fact that they did it, then sent pictures to everyone, shows that they were trying to "teach her a lesson" and humiliate her.

I feel so bad for that little girl having to deal with all the teasing and emotional after effects of this act of cruelty. It sounds like something from the movie "Mommie Dearest".

Agreed. They sound sadistic.


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## rabbitmum

What a horrible, horrible thing to do to a child.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
I bet you she will remember this forever. This and the aftermath, the teasing she'll have to listen to.

My mom didn't want to deal with long hair so she kept mine short. Not buzzed short, but not much longer. It was awful, people made so much fun of me. And I didn't even have any bad habits, just a mom who didn't like long hair.

Me too. I hated being mistaken for a boy. I felt ugly. I have had LONG hair ever since I had a chance to decide for myself.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I think it is abusive. Threats and humiliation is abuse.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hillymum* 
Twisting hair like she was doing is a symptom of stress, which isn't surprising if this is a good example of how her mother treats her. To send out photo's? Thats just vendictive!


The first thiyng that came to mind was the way French women were punish for sleeping with the enemy!

I had about the same association - to the way Norwegian girls who had fallen in love with Germans were punished after the war.


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## lily sophia's mom

Awful.

The thing is, I'm not opposed to cutting hair in and of itself. When I was that age, I had wild hair that I never wanted to brush. Seriously, totally my own choice. My parents gave me a month to sort myself out....they'd already tried buying me a cool hair dryer & brush set, thinking that it if were fun or special, I'd take more interest.....my mom always tried to help, etc. But finally, they said that if after that month I hadn't started brushing/combing my hair (or letting my mom brush it for me) they'd have it cut short. Mind you...when I look back at pictures, my pre-cut hair that I thought was fab was actually really a big mess and not nice at all. Then the times I did have to brush for school or whatever were always big ordeals.

At any rate, I did end up with a short hair cut, BUT...a hair stylist came over (we were in Germany at the time) and gave me at least something stylish. I still didn't love it, but in this situation it felt less abusive somehow...even then, I knew it was simply a consequence of a choice I had made, and I'm actually glad they stuck with it.

Even if this girl is better of with somewhat shorter hair, there were millions of better ways to do it. In my case, they'd tried to be kind, they'd tried to be helpful, they'd tried to make it fun & special, and they tried to let me know what the consequence was. And I still looked like a totally normal girl when it was done.

What happened to your friend's daughter is just horrible...humiliating, beyond reason, anxiety producing (which likely led to the twirling in the first place), and just mean. I don't think they'll get off so easy for this one in the long run....had this happened to me (instead of the similar but VERY different event in my life), I don't know that I'd be okay with it 35 years later. In fact, I'm sure I wouldn't . The picture swapping is the nail in the coffin, in my opinion.

hugs to that poor girl.


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## lily sophia's mom

ok, so disregard my last post...i was like 8 when it happened. I missed that this poor thing was only 5!!! Worse, worse, worse....
so sad.


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## lovebug

this type of situation makes me so sad! its the perfect case of 'build 'em up to knock them down'. how sad! i am sure at some point this little girl was told how _pretty_ she looked with her hair. and now she has none...









it is really sad to me that someone would do this to a child. i had very long hair that was thick, long, fine and curly! i would have been more then devastated if my mom would have done this to me and my hair was no picnic to care for!

poor thing!


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## Abraisme

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
Way overreacting.

I bet you she will remember this forever. This and the aftermath, the teasing she'll have to listen to.

My mom didn't want to deal with long hair so she kept mine short. Not buzzed short, but not much longer. It was awful, people made so much fun of me. And I didn't even have any bad habits, just a mom who didn't like long hair.


----------



## *LoveBugMama*

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fairejour* 
I disagree.

If someone cut off all my hair, without my permission, it would be a horrible moment, something that I would never forgive. Is it somehow "worse" because I am an adult, and no one has the right to do it? NO! *Children are people too!* Just because we, as parents, "have the right" to do it, does NOT make it ok. They (should) have the right to wholeness in their bodies, and the right to say who touches their body and in what way.

This.








There are SOO many other choices, besides buzzing the poor girls head.







My son has very long hair, and it tangles like there is no tomorrow.







AND he absolutely hates, hates, HATES to wash it and comb it. But I would never, ever buzz his head against his will. That is such an abuse of parental power, in my mind.


----------



## *LoveBugMama*

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
Spanking though painful only lasts a few minutes. It isn't odd and unusual (though most of us wish it were considered that way.) Once it is over it is over.

CIO, only lasts a few hours at most, and is pretty common.

This has marked the child for months if not years. This punishment will be with the child constantly. Everyone who sees this child will ask what happened to her beautiful hair with a sad look on their faces. Other children will see her and tease her about it. She will have to explain over and over to people why she looks the way she does. She doesn't simply have an ugly haircut, she has an extremely dramatic haircut associated with the opposite gender. This isn't just about the physical punishment that happened during the cutting, it's also about the months of humiliation the child will now be subjected to.

Great post. And very true. Sad, but true. Poor, poor girl.


----------



## savithny

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hillymum* 
Twisting hair like she was doing is a symptom of stress, which isn't surprising if this is a good example of how her mother treats her. To send out photo's? Thats just vendictive!


The first thiyng that came to mind was the way French women were punish for sleeping with the enemy!

Or it's a self-soothing device, like thumbsucking.

My DD twists her hair (twoodles it, we call it). She started out by twoodling my hair while she was nursing, and then when she grew some of her own, she would twoodle it in her sleep. It's not a stress thing -- it's just what she does as she's falling asleep.

We do keep her hair relatively short, and one reason for that is that it's naturally curly, and we had to cut her finger out of it once when she'd twoodled it so tightly it was turning blue and we couldn't get it untangled. I wouldn't *shave* her head for it, although I have told her that if she won't let me brush her hair regularly she needs to get a haircut like her brother's (crew cut).

Her brother had severe sensory issues around haircuts, hair washing, and hairbrushing, and beginning when he was about 5, we just started taking him to the barber and having him sheared like a sheep every 6 months. I'm sure some here woudl find that "abusive" because he did not enjoy the actual shearing, but he definitely did not mind the outcome -- he likes his "fuzzy head" when its freshly done.

So without knowing more of the story, I wouldn't call it abusive per se -- though it has the potential to be. I know, for instance, that my mom wouldnt' "let" me grow my hair long when I was DD's age, because I also hated combing/brushing etc, and Mom said that if you can't care for long hair, you don't get to have it. I have never held that against her, because now that I've had long hair, I know she's right. And any teasing for having short hair (which I never ran into), can't be any worse than the teasing the other girls would give you for having scraggly unkempt hair.


----------



## journeymom

Hey, this thread is only a week old!









Cutting their daughter's hair so extremely short is a punishment. Her parents are trying to solve a problem by punishing her. A better solution is for them to help and guide her. Mom should have educated her that keeping her long hair mostly tangle-free is her responsibility. If she's having a hard time doing that, then she needs to let Mom help her. If she doesn't want Mom to touch her hair, then she needs to cut it short enough that she can keep it nice. It's not a punishment, it's helpful parental guidance.

And then give her a decent, girly short cut. The buzz cut is what makes it obvious that they're punishing her, not just trying to help her learn from the situation.

I went through a similar situation with my own dd. She has thick hair, got knots at the base of her neck. She never was one to let me brush her hair, but she wouldn't brush it properly herself. The knots got ridiculous to the point that the only way to get them out was to cut them out. I let nature take its course, I didn't punish my daughter, she learned how important it is to care for her long hair without me having to damage our relationship. (And yes, it drove me up a wall! It's one of my disappointments from motherhood, that my daughter has a sensitive scalp and could never stand to let me mess with her hair. She never let me braid it or anything!







Oh well, it's not my head, ya know?)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
Overreaction, yes, something very negative that she'll remember for years, yes, but com'on people? Abusive? Really?

I'm someone who considers spanking physical assault and battery, and CIO emotional abuse. But an ugly haircut? Have any of you ever worked with abused children?

Exactly!


----------



## Cherry Alive

Quote:


Originally Posted by *savithny* 
Or it's a self-soothing device, like thumbsucking.

My DD twists her hair (twoodles it, we call it). She started out by twoodling my hair while she was nursing, and then when she grew some of her own, she would twoodle it in her sleep. It's not a stress thing -- it's just what she does as she's falling asleep.

We do keep her hair relatively short, and one reason for that is that it's naturally curly, and we had to cut her finger out of it once when she'd twoodled it so tightly it was turning blue and we couldn't get it untangled. I wouldn't *shave* her head for it, although I have told her that if she won't let me brush her hair regularly she needs to get a haircut like her brother's (crew cut).

Her brother had severe sensory issues around haircuts, hair washing, and hairbrushing, and beginning when he was about 5, we just started taking him to the barber and having him sheared like a sheep every 6 months. I'm sure some here woudl find that "abusive" because he did not enjoy the actual shearing, but he definitely did not mind the outcome -- he likes his "fuzzy head" when its freshly done.

So without knowing more of the story, I wouldn't call it abusive per se -- though it has the potential to be. I know, for instance, that my mom wouldnt' "let" me grow my hair long when I was DD's age, because I also hated combing/brushing etc, and Mom said that if you can't care for long hair, you don't get to have it. I have never held that against her, because now that I've had long hair, I know she's right. And any teasing for having short hair (which I never ran into), can't be any worse than the teasing the other girls would give you for having scraggly unkempt hair.

1) The girl in the OP is 5. I don't know your DD's age, but it sounds like you started her on short hair at a very early age. At 5, though, I can imagine it's pretty traumatizing for a little girl to go from long to short hair against her wishes.

2) The child in the OP is a girl. You are talking about your BOY loving his buzzcut. Of course it's okay for your son to have such short hair. A buzzcut is a stereotypical boy cut. He won't be picked on for it like a little girl would. Big difference.

3) The parents described in the OP sent the child's photo out to friends and family. She was frowning in the photo. That sounds like they either are making fun of her or punishing her. Either way it's sadistic.

My DD also has curly hair-like her father. It's not long enough to do anything with yet, but when it grows out I hope never to cut it short (unless she *wants* it that way).

Why should she be penalized just for having different hair than me?

I plan to research my DD's hair type. I know for a fact there are tons of decent hair products that make curls soft and silky to prevent knots. I'll even hunt down an awesome hairdresser if it comes down to it. Obviously it can't be that impossible to care for a child's curls.


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## savithny

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherry Alive* 
1)

My DD also has curly hair-like her father. It's not long enough to do anything with yet, but when it grows out I hope never to cut it short (unless she *wants* it that way).

Why should she be penalized just for having different hair than me?

I plan to research my DD's hair type. I know for a fact there are tons of decent hair products that make curls soft and silky to prevent knots. I'll even hunt down an awesome hairdresser if it comes down to it. Obviously it can't be that impossible to care for a child's curls.

There's nothing penalizing about short hair, IMO. We did grow my DD's hair out for quite awhile, but we realized that the upkeep on it was becoming oppressive to her as well as to us. She hated having it brushed, and while it is curly, it doesn't just spring into neat curls all over if left to itself -- parts of it get stringy, parts of it get cowlicky.

Hatred of having hair washed, or brushed, or cut, is not uncommon in kids. You can find the best hairdresser in the world for your child's hair type, and if they SCREAM and wiggle while the hairdresser is trying to do his/her job, it doesn't make any difference how good they are.

We bobbed DD's hair to just above chin length when she was 5. It was only the 2nd haircut she'd had in her life -- and she loved it. It no longer snarls as badly when she twoodles, it takes a few seconds to brush out, and she can wash it herself. We faced the reality of both her hair type and her personality, and while we made the decision to cut her hair, she's certainly not been penalized in any way for it.


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## Ksat9679

well, here’s what I think. I think the buzz was excessive but I get where they’re coming from. And I wish they would have approached it more positively, like no matter what my daughter is so beautiful.
Honestly, my daughter has been twisting her hair at night and it’s due to stress (age 2) to the point that she is turning her fingers purple, so for her health and safety, I did just give her a hair cut. It happens to look really cute. It’s shorter than I wanted but not bad. She doesn’t seem to care. I said let’s get a new hair cut and she was down, I said mommy is gonna cut it super short so you’re okay, alright and showed her the hair after it was done and she liked it. It’s buzzed around the sides (unintentionally, there was a clippers mishap) and about 2 inches on the top. I’m thinking about cutting my hair like hers also so she doesn’t feel out of place with it and knows it’s okay and she’s still a kick booty little girl who can rule the world.


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