# My Children Aren't Welcome at Relative's Wedding!



## yaM yaM (Nov 9, 2003)

I don't know if this is normal, as I've only attended a handful of weddings (including my own) in my life...
Ok, here's the story.

A close relative of mine is getting married. To make a long story short, I did not realize until now (which is the last day to RSVP) that only my dh's name and mine are on the invitation and not my two dc's names. Another family member pointed out to me that this means that my dc are not welcome. The wedding is out of town and is to last for a weekend. It is not personal; no children are 'allowed.'

I am shocked that my dc are not welcome, as this is the first time that we would be able to see some of our family in a long time. We are unable to travel much, usually.

Even though my dc are ten and 4.5, I still consider myself an AP mama. I just don't leave them for a weekend, ever.... not my style. Maybe in five years or so I'd consider doing that with a _very_ trusted friend, but we don't have the option to do that right now and *I don't even want to*.

I guess that's what my question is. I feel like I don't want to go if my children cannot come, however, like I said, this would be the first time in a long time to see some dear family members and most-likely 'the last time' I would be able to see my 95 y/o grandmother, my dc's great-grandmother (and we haven't even seen her in years, either, due to an inability to travel to her).

I have to RSVP today! And here we've been saving up to travel there, thinking that we'd be going as long as we could financially afford the travel expenses. Just last night, we decided that it would be within our means, but we had to wait to RSVP at the last minute due to the $ reason. And today's that day!


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## tinawoman (Feb 28, 2003)

it may be a misunderstanding...perhaps she didn't have that intention...you say someone else pointed out to you the meaning...perhaps they are wrong? go straight to the source.

i think you need to talk to the bride and groom and get it straight from them what this means and then express to them what you are feeling and that you do not want to leave your children for a weekend. and they need to know that you probably won't go if you have to leave your children. then let them deal with the ramifications if they don't want your kiddos to come. hard as that is...you are a mommy first, a relative of this couple second. and i think you should follow your feelings. i wouldn't leave my kiddos for something like that either.

another thought...if no kids are allowed, is it possible there are others in the same situation and maybe its just the ceremony the couple is concerned about? perhaps you can band together with the other families and pay for a (trusted) sitter to watch the kids during the ceremony, somewhere nearby, and then go pick them up to participate in the reception? i can't imagine they would care about having them at the reception. but then, i don't understand people excluding children at all from a family event...children are family too! geez.

tough situation. let us know how it goes!


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## SmilingChick (Apr 6, 2005)

...


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Well, having just had my wedding this past August, and now helping my mom plan her (2nd) wedding, I've had some pretty good debates over this issue.

I decided to invite kids to my wedding. I love kids, I don't mind them running around, crying, making noise, making a mess- that's what kids do. It was a pretty formal wedding but I loved to see them all dressed up and dancing around and I think a lot of them had a better time than the adults! I also think kids are a part of the family and I loved going to weddings when I was a child.

BUT. Some people really don't feel this way, for a variety of reasons, which can include;

1. They're not big "kid people". While I didn't mind the 7 yr olds whippping around the dance floor at light speed, a bride or groom who is a little more reserved might not appreciate it. They also might be worried about mess, noise, and behavior not suited for an adult event.
2. Sometimes they DO want *YOUR* kids to come, but Aunt Flo's five kids who are all monsters would have to be invited too, so they decide to just say no kids at all.
3. It can be a money issue. While many caterers offer a reduced price for chidren, it can still be expensive- I had chicken fingers and fries for the kids at my wedding and it still cost $20 a plate. So if there are 25 kids in the family, it can add up pretty quickly.
4. Sometimes the bride and groom have no problems with kids, but the other people who are helping to plan (read: pay) for the wedding really don't want them there. There were several children who weren't invited to my wedding because my mother specifically didn't want them there, which caused many fights between us, but in the end I couldn't afford to pay for them, so they didn't come.

With all that said, please don't take it personally. Once in a while an adult event is just that; an adult event, and people do have the right to do that. You, in turn, have the right to decline an invitation to such an event if it's uncomfortable for you.

But maybe you could still bring the kids with you for the weekend and just not bring them to the actual ceremony and reception? If you're staying at a hotel, could you bring a babysitter and have them watched while you're at the wedding?

the bottom line is if you don't feel good about leaving them then you're not going to have a good time at the wedding, so if it's too stressful then don't go.


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## TudoBem (Aug 30, 2004)

It's common for kids not to be invited to weddings. They could disturb the ceremony and it's extra expense at the reception for the hosts.
I agree with the pp. Try to find a babysitter for your kids. If you can't then you'll have to decline. I wouldn't contact the hosts and ask them to find you a babysitter or ask if your kids can come, though. They have enough to do and it puts them in an awkward situation.
When I got married a couple we invited actually included their small kids in the RSVP. We had only invited them, but they wrote in their kids names. It was very uncomfortable. We were really worried about their disturbing the ceremony and because we had to add them to the reception it affected the total number of guests we could invite. Remember, people can only invite so many people because of space limitations or money. This couple ended up not bringing their kids (I think their parents clued them in that it wasn't appropriate) but it was very frustrating for us, affected our wedding plans and made us feel disrespected.


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## chalupamom (Apr 15, 2002)

If you want to make the trip to see family, why not go ahead and just skip the wedding? You can make arrangements to see who you want to see at breakfasts, lunch or at a nearby park and explain to anyone who asks that you just aren't comfortable leaving the kids while you're so far from home but that you didn't want to miss the chance to celebrate with the family anyway.

Go...have a fun weekend!


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## Eaglevoice (Nov 30, 2004)

My sister got married last summer and was faced with this very difficult decision. She really wanted to invite kids because our older sister has three wonderful children. But her BIL's three kids are absolute monsters. They even considered just not inviting BIL's kids, but feared causing a family feud. Their wedding was on a boat and they could only invite 100 people, which was really pushing it to begin with. Their original list was 150 people (including kids) and 120 without kids, so they still would have to shave off 20 people even with out inviting kids. And the boat charged full price for kids meals, as well, even if the kid was only 2 years old. So in the end, she regretfully decided not to invite the kids. Everything worked out fine and a lot of the parents were able to get together and hire a few sitters for the evening. I definitely would not take it personally that your children are not invited. It's hard when you're dealing with maximum capacity and deciding between whether to invite your cousin's two year old or an old friend from high school...


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

I would call your relative having the wedding and tell them exactly what you told us and see what they have to say about it.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I would call and ask. I thought it was proper etiquette to state "adult only" on the invites if there is to be no kiddos. it's not clear, so I would make sure. I know I did not put the kids name on our wedding invitations for my SIL and BIL and they were more than welcome to come


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

I would send my regrets, explaining that there is no way for you to leave your children for that long and that you're so disappointed to miss it. If it's important enough for the bride to have you there, she will call and say "come anyway, with the kids".


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## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

The people who are getting married certainly have the right to say "no children" just as you have the right to politely decline the invite.

I see both sides of this. Yet it always makes me sad when children aren't invited to events like this as it's a special family time.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chalupamom*
If you want to make the trip to see family, why not go ahead and just skip the wedding? You can make arrangements to see who you want to see at breakfasts, lunch or at a nearby park and explain to anyone who asks that you just aren't comfortable leaving the kids while you're so far from home but that you didn't want to miss the chance to celebrate with the family anyway.

Go...have a fun weekend!

Excellent advice!!

Quote:

I would call your relative having the wedding and tell them exactly what you told us and see what they have to say about it.
I would NOT do this at all. Etiquette states that only the people's names of the invites are the ones invited. They obviously knew that plus you heard thru others that all children are not invited. Why challenge the bride (or groom) and put them on the defensive? It is their right to decide who comes to the wedding regardless of the reason (safety, money, not kid people, etc) It is your right to decide whether to attend or not. I know that I would be royally PO'd to be asked to make an exception. Plus how do they explain that to other parents??


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## HoneymoonBaby (Mar 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainbowmoon*
I would call and ask. I thought it was proper etiquette to state "adult only" on the invites if there is to be no kiddos. it's not clear, so I would make sure. I know I did not put the kids name on our wedding invitations for my SIL and BIL and they were more than welcome to come









No, proper etiquette is that ONLY the people whose NAMES are on the invitation are invited. If the invitation inculdes children, it will either state the names of the children or, for a less formal event, the words "XXXXX and Family."

The OP is perfectly within her rights to decline this invitation, but it would be horribly rude of her to tell the bride why she is declining. OP, if you feel you can't go, then say so, but just leave it at "we regret we will be unable to attend" and send a nice gift. DO NOT say "Well, if the kids aren't invited, we're not coming." That's rude, rude, rude, rude.


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## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

Maybe I am just grouchy today, but I would call and inquire to see if it was okay to bring the children. It isn't rude in my opinion. I would fully expect the bride to ask why you decline if you do decline because your children are not invited. I wouldn't be surprised if they hadn't checked with Emily Post on how to send invitations. It possible that they would like the family to attend.

Technically, when an invitation is issued and only has Mr. and Mrs. So and so and not Mr. and Mrs. So and so and family, then it generally does mean that the parents are the only ones invited.

Again, I would make a gentle inquiry and base my attendance on the answer received.


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Great advive bri276, I agree. I also agree with chalupamom...why not take the weekend to see the relatives you really want to see, and skip the wedding? Around here, many people bring their children to wedding ceremonies even when not invited to the reception. I think some people believe their children aren't included in the reception due to cost or alcohol consumption and think it is perfectly acceptable to attend the ceremony as a family. May be worth an inquiry if you're not sure.


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## mamangazelle (Apr 25, 2003)

Yep, only people whose names are on the invitation are invited. I wouldn't call the bride or groom. They have enough to think about. Maybe you could call the mother of the bride or somebody close and ask them if they know someone there who could babysit for the night, that your kids could meet the day before to get to know each other?

When I was planning my wedding (we did not marry in the end, but I did plan :LOL ) it was a tough decision: there are around 30-35 kids in my family and dh's close family. It would have been very expensive to have them all there (we were on a TIGHT budget, that's why we didn't marry..), but at the same time, we wanted them there and didn't want to exclude some and invite others. Don't take it personnal.


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## stayinghome (Jul 4, 2002)

I'd decline the wedding, and then visit before or after, that way you can see all the relatives you want to see without having to be separated.

I kind of get sad at the whole adults only thing. I get the other side of the debate, but imo kids are a part of our lives, kwim?


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## RubyV (Feb 4, 2004)

For my first wedding, we had no children simply because it was too expensive. We had large families, and at $20 per child it added a huge amount of money to the cost, about $1000. Also, we had some really horribly behaved kids in the family, and saying n to some and yes to others was far ruder than a blanket statement about children.

My second wedding we had about 4 children attend . Much smaller.

Weddings are expensive and stressful. Accept the fact that no children means just that, for everyone. Far more fair than saying "aunt x can bring her 2, but uncle y can't bring his, and cousin rita can bring hers" etc.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

If you decide to call the engaged couple, be sure to do it gently. Calling to clarify whether or not the children are invited is appropriate, as long as it's done tactfully and in a non-threatening way. I don't think it's rude to say "Sorry, but we're not comfortable leaving our children for the entire weekend, or with leaving them with a strange babysitter during the wedding. I'd still love to come in for the weekend and see everybody. Can you tell me the name of the hotel where the other out of town relatives will be staying?"

When I had my first wedding, I was already in a TTC/AP mode of thinking. I couldn't imagine inviting a family from out of town and NOT including their children. I was actually surprised that my cousin decided to leave her baby with her in-laws rather than bring him along. The only children I decided not to invite were local cousins that I wasn't very close with- and none of them had infants.

My second wedding was extremely small (just the 6 1/2 of us at the ceremony and 13 1/2 at a restaurant afterwards.)

Still, it's perfectly acceptable for a couple to decide not to invite children to their wedding, and it's perfectly acceptable for you to decline the invitation for whatever reason.


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## Milky Way (Sep 17, 2004)

It seems standard practice today not to invite children to a wedding. I recently posted a topic on here about being a bridesmaid in my friends wedding and she is 100% adamat about not having kids at her wedding. I posted on here asking about a way to word the invitations as her and us bridesmaids hand made them. One solution no one mentioned was for the whole family to go(since it's out of town) but only you attend the wedding while your husband watches the kids. That way you can see your family, your kids are not at the wedding but will be in town to see family before/after. We had no children at my wedding either, my brother in law and his wife had an eight month old at the time of the wedding. They brought along her parents to watch the baby during the wedding. My BIL did not stay long but they still came and it worked out great. I would not take it personal as I've been to many weddings in the last year and most did not have children. I think alot has to do with the money issue as already stated. Things are SO expensive the food the video etc.....Good luck!


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## crazy_eights (Nov 22, 2001)

Some halls and hotels actually state *no children*. Really.

When I got married (in the US), I had the same issue. Aside from the hotel issue, most of my friends have lg. families and yes, it really adds up. In Israel (where I was living), it is common for kids to be included and I miss that my kids don't get to see many weddings here. But there, an adult plate is in the $10 range :LOL .

At my wedding, we had the ceremony (which was outside) and first dancing open to kids and the meal was 'adults only'. Some people went home, but most made arrangements for the kids to be transported to babysitters. I had one relative that was angry, and what could I say? "Sorry you can't be with us" - that was about it!


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## Spookygirl (Sep 14, 2002)

At my wedding, I did not invite children, because the hall was soo packed already from just the adults, there would have been not a single spot left to seat children (big wedding in a small hall). This could be a reason for not inviting children as well, if it is a particulary large guest list already with just the adults.

One family didn't "understand" that their children (4 of them) were not invited, and instead of inquiring (which would have put my in a difficult spot I am sure) brought them anyways. It was a tense situation made worse at the reception when the middle daughter broke my cake topper as the cake was being cut


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## DesireeH (Mar 22, 2003)

I would call and ask too. When I got married, kids were definately welcome but on the invitations I just wrote the parents names, not because they werent invited but only cause their was so much space on the envelope. LOL


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## sarahrose (Dec 24, 2002)

I am attending my cousins wedding in May where children are also not invited. In her case, however, I think it is purely a finacial issue. My Aunt did say that when they tallied up the number of kids it ended up being 40 kids or something. At 75 dollars a person (this food better be good!!) it just added up to too much. But they are a little elitist and she made some horrible remark about having to have a buffet (why not, we did at our wedding and it was good) or having to have the receptoin in a backyard.









I am irritated (since I'm driving 6 hours to be there) that they can't come. So what we are doing it this: I'm going alone. My dh is staying at home with my boys. I get to go to the wedding, my kids will have a blast with Daddy and I'm just not going to stress about it.


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## Simplicity (Mar 24, 2004)

It's very common that people do not invite children. There are always many reasons to this and alot of times people think it's just because they believe children will need too much attention, be wild etc. However, Another way to think about it is.. It could possibly be an easy way to cut down the guest list. It doesn't always have to be about the kids but about could be more about finances.

I think about this because I am getting married in september. I am including children on the invites and everything. I welcome children there. However, I have had my moments when I look at my guest list of 240 people how easily it could be cut down if I removed children. I would never do it but it has run across my mind.

A bride and groom has the right to ask for what they want. If they only put yours and your hubbys name on it so be it. If you can't make it you can't make it. Doesn't mean you can't go and visit family.

I would not call them and ask them about it. Wedding planning is very stressful and not everyone feels good about removing children from the guest list.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

The bride and groom are throwing the party and they have the right to invite anyone they want. The names of the invited individuals are on the invitation. It is very common not to invite children and I totally support anyone who wants to have an adults-only wedding.

That said, a wedding invitation shouldn't be confused with a command performance. The invitee has the right to determine whether or not they want to attend, and excuses aren't necessary. I've declined several wedding invitations because my kids weren't invited. I don't think there should be hard feelings either way.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Simplicity*
It could possibly be an easy way to cut down the guest list. It doesn't always have to be about the kids but about could be more about finances.

That's what it was for me.

It's common for children not to be invited, but I say call and tell them why you can't come if you feel comfortable doing so. My sister didn't really want children at her wedding this past January, but I told her in advance I was bringing mine. She knew I was anyway because we were flying cross country, and my older daughter was in the wedding party. If I could have left the toddler with a babysitter, I might have actually done that, but the cousins were all at the wedding too. My sister wanted her nieces and nephews there, just not a bunch of other children, but I swear, people went out of their way to bring children that weren't theirs. Since the dinner was not a buffet and she paid by the plate, I'm not sure how the price worked out.

Of course, it's even worse when adults show up at the last minute which is what happened with my ILs with the rehearsal dinner they were paying for. They had to cough up another $12,000 when a lot more adults showed up that weren't supposed to be there. It was a really high priced wedding and no kids were allowed. I had planned to go and maybe just skip the wedding altogether to stay in the hotel with my kids, but my DH didn't think it was worth it. He had to go because he was a groomsman, but I just stayed home. The people who flew over from China did take their children to the wedding. I think they were supposed to use hotel babysitters, but I guess they didn't want to. My dh and I knew that we didn't want to use hotel babysitters, so we just stayed home. I was really sad about it--I wanted to go just to see people--but it wasn't allowed. I really don't think it was about the price, though.

I have mixed emotions about the whole thing.


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

To me, marriage, and the wedding that starts it, is about family. To not have the children of the family there is a foreign concept to me, and thankfully, to the rest of my relatives.

If the place is too expensive to include children or doesn't welcome them, I'd be finding another place. It's the people that matter, the joy of sharing such a momentous event, not the picture perfectness of a particular location. To rank that above the family members is to seriously misplace one's priorities IMO.

That said, they invited whom they invited. You need to find out if they also followed through on proper etiquette and have made arrangements for the out-of-town guests including providing information, at the very extreme least, about local childcare possibilities. Did they arrange for a room at the reception location where the children can play and be watched over by responsible trusted friends, or relatives in turns, while the party is going on? Or do they have their heads completely in the sand regarding the existance of their younger relatives and the fact that children are not just toys to be shelved at adults' convenience?


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

I would say don't take it personally. Go if you can arrange some kind of child care, or some get-togethers with relatives, or don't go if it's too complicated. It's not about you and your family. Most people getting married don't have any kids yet so they don't really understand about not wanting to leave them with any random sitter, for one thing. For another, it can be extremely stressful for a bride and groom trying to accommodate what all their guests might want. Not all guests are difficult about it, of course, but enough of them are that the couple can end up feeling like they have to just decide for themselves what THEY want and let other people accept or decline as they may. I recall for my first wedding that we had a limited number of dates we could choose from, due to location/job/schedule issues, and just counting our closest family (parents/aunts/uncles/siblings) there was no one date that worked for everyone. We ended up picking the date that worked best for us personally but exDH's uncle was like mortally offended. There really wasn't anything we could do short of just not getting married that would have accommodated everyone. That and other guest issues ended up being so stressful that for a long time I went around saying that a wedding was the worst possible way to start a marriage. Our marriage didn't last anyway but when I married again a few years later DH and I eloped. I said there was no way on earth I would go through that again.


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## yaM yaM (Nov 9, 2003)

Thank you all for the replies and various perspectives.

No, I'm not expecting anything, I understand there are reasons... In this case, this is the reason I'm getting:

The relative of mine in this situation is the _groom_, not the bride (who's family I've never met). He is my first cousin, but our relationship is more like a brother/sister relationship. His mother, my aunt, is the one who clarified to my brother and I about the names on the invitation. . .

The groom is a behind-the-scenes celebrity (a movie writer, etc.) and there are several other celebrity-status folks who're directly involved. So they're trying to be 'controlling' about things so as to prevent anything unexpected, and I guess they think that children, in general, can cause things that are *out of control* (noise concerns, etc.).

I know they can do whatever they want, of _course_, but I can't help but feel disappointed. I guess I'm coming from the place that family should always come first, especially because $ is not an issue here.

I haven't heard back from the groom yet (left a message a couple of hours ago). I don't want him to feel hurt so of course I will tread lightly in our up-coming conversation. But, yes, I do need to have clarification from him directly so I can make sense of this. Maybe he'll be ok with them being at the reception, etc. and not the ceremony, in which case my dh could take the children to the park during that time. I don't want him to feel put-upon, he's a sweetie, but I _do_ feel the need to communicate with him about it. We are close enough that this should be ok, even if it isn't the standard thing to do.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

At least they are excluding all kids. My dd1 was flower girl for her godparents, so was at the wedding. Dd2, who is also their godchild was not invited. But cousins kids her age and younger were invited. I was really upset about it.


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## yaM yaM (Nov 9, 2003)

Meiri, I really like you response -- all of it. Especially the part about the children-being-a-foreign-concept thing. Most of my family has _very_ different views about child-raising and related values from the way I do it. My cousin (the groom), ironically, is the relative most like me in our whole (large) family, however, he has no children yet and I think he just doesn't get it (_yet_... he will when he becomes a pappa, I know it). Also, mine are the first grandchildren in my whole family (I have many cousins and siblings -- of all of us, I was the first to have children). So these folks are just not too used to the presence of *young children* being a factor in the equation.


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## yaM yaM (Nov 9, 2003)

Wow, Irishmommy, that's so sad!


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meiri*
To me, marriage, and the wedding that starts it, is about family. To not have the children of the family there is a foreign concept to me, and thankfully, to the rest of my relatives.

If the place is too expensive to include children or doesn't welcome them, I'd be finding another place. It's the people that matter, the joy of sharing such a momentous event, not the picture perfectness of a particular location. To rank that above the family members is to seriously misplace one's priorities IMO.

That said, they invited whom they invited. You need to find out if they also followed through on proper etiquette and have made arrangements for the out-of-town guests including providing information, at the very extreme least, about local childcare possibilities. Did they arrange for a room at the reception location where the children can play and be watched over by responsible trusted friends, or relatives in turns, while the party is going on? Or do they have their heads completely in the sand regarding the existance of their younger relatives and the fact that children are not just toys to be shelved at adults' convenience?


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## Colorful~Mama (Feb 20, 2003)

My cousin was married 18mos or so ago , it was an evening affair and children were not welcome. I got out of it cuz i was on the other side of the country and pregnant, but my sister was expected to attend. She has a 2yo and 1yo L(at the time) and was/is tandem nursing. She rsvp'd with a note that they'd attend the ceremony only. They brought gramma with with and dropped her and the boys at a friends home near the wedding, attended for the service for an hour and went back for the children. When asked why they didn't stay for the reception they replied honestly "we have small children we don't want to be away from that long. congratulations, it was a lovely service and we wish you nothing but happiness"

and left


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:

My cousin was married 18mos or so ago , it was an evening affair and children were not welcome. I got out of it cuz i was on the other side of the country and pregnant, but my sister was expected to attend. She has a 2yo and 1yo L(at the time) and was/is tandem nursing. She rsvp'd with a note that they'd attend the ceremony only. They brought gramma with with and dropped her and the boys at a friends home near the wedding, attended for the service for an hour and went back for the children. When asked why they didn't stay for the reception they replied honestly "we have small children we don't want to be away from that long. congratulations, it was a lovely service and we wish you nothing but happiness" and left
That is a great idea, given the circumstances. You mentioned that you might be able to attend the ceremony and have your dh take the kids to a local park during it. Then perhaps you might be able to make a weekend out of it and still see all of your relatives as well.

Just wanted to add that we very happily invited children to our wedding and they added so much joy to the event. I made up special goodie bags of activities just for them and they were kept busy and happy. One of my favorite pictures from our wedding day is my dh and I crouched down in our finery, blowing bubbles with the kids. Priceless!


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## amydidit (Jan 21, 2005)

Even if finances are the root of the situation, there are plenty of other reasons why children may not be invited. When I was planning a wedding several years ago the only place we liked had a strict policy of NO CHILDREN... it was an antique house and their insurance did not allow anyone under the age of 18 to attend an event on property. I could understand that.


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## Itlbokay (Dec 28, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meiri*
To me, marriage, and the wedding that starts it, is about family. To not have the children of the family there is a foreign concept to me


I agree.

My boys love weddings, and the party's afterward. They have such a good time meeting new family members and celebrating with loved ones.


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## gottaknit (Apr 30, 2004)

I was in this situation recently. There was no "inner envelope" listing names of who was invited, and in my excitement I had recycled the outer envelope immediately, so I don't know what it said. I RSVP'd for all three of us (there was a blank to fill in # attending on the card) and then got a call back that ds wasn't welcome.

It was really embarrassing for all involved. So we gave our regrets. Two weeks later we get another call that we're all invited after all. Turns out the bride found out about the no kids policy her parents had tried to enforce and wasn't happy about it. We had to agree to nurse in a "special room" though.







Oh well. At least we get to visit with relatives we haven't seen in ages (including the bride).


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DesireeH*
I would call and ask too. When I got married, kids were definately welcome but on the invitations I just wrote the parents names, not because they werent invited but only cause their was so much space on the envelope. LOL


ettiquette wise the proper thing to do would have been to write The Jones Family then list the first names on the inner envelope


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:

I kind of get sad at the whole adults only thing. I get the other side of the debate, but imo kids are a part of our lives, kwim?
Couldn't agree more. I totally understand that the bride and groom can invite or not invite whomever they want, but it makes me sad that some people view children as annoyances rather than the important people that they are.

I never understood the money argument about kids though - why is it no problem to pay for your great aunt's meal, whom you haven't even seen in 8 years, but it's considered outrageous to have to pay for a child's meal?
Okay, that was totally off topic.

Back to the OP, you've gotten good advice. I'd either go and have someone watch the kids at the hotel (I wouldn't leave them at home either), go and visit after hours with the other relatives, or decline the invite. If you end up talking with someone about why you declined, I'd say it was because you aren't comfortable leaving your children, but I wouldn't call the bride and groom and ask about it beforehand. It will just make them feel uncomfortable.

We are also invited to an adults only family wedding this summer. It's about 1.5 hours away, and I'm not comfortable leaving the baby for that long. So my mom is coming with us and watching them at the hotel near the reception.


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## Louma (Mar 30, 2005)

My sister is getting married in a bit over a month, and she is having a separate reception area for the kids where they will spend the ceremony time and the first part of the grown up reception. They'll join us after we eat so that we so that we can all dance together. Babies can stay at the big party with their parents so they can nurse, but she decided that kids would have a much better and much less costly time having pizza, their own cake, and games in a different area. We've hired a couple of trusted sitters so that the kids can have a good time and none of the adult family members has to miss the fun time the adults will have in the adult reception.

I think having kids at the ceremony and a formal dinner is a good bit like having kids in church. Some kids enjoy the quiet time, but lots of kids are just bored and disruptive, in which case it isn't really fair to the kids or the other participants, particularly the participants who are paying a fortune to create a certain ambiance at a wedding. My sister knows that many of the kids in our family are the bored and disruptive type, so she is actually trying to do them and herself a favor by giving them a more age-appropriate environment at her wedding. The grown ups are going to enjoy the ceremony and the first part of the reception while the kids have a blast down stairs, then the kids are going to come up to mingle and dance with the parents.

This plan seems like the best of both worlds to us. The kids can spend time with the rest of the family, but it will be the time that they will actually enjoy, the party part.


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HoneymoonBaby*
No, proper etiquette is that ONLY the people whose NAMES are on the invitation are invited. If the invitation inculdes children, it will either state the names of the children or, for a less formal event, the words "XXXXX and Family."

The OP is perfectly within her rights to decline this invitation, but it would be horribly rude of her to tell the bride why she is declining. OP, if you feel you can't go, then say so, but just leave it at "we regret we will be unable to attend" and send a nice gift. DO NOT say "Well, if the kids aren't invited, we're not coming." That's rude, rude, rude, rude.

















ITA

It's up to the couple to invite who they want, and up to the guests to decide if they want to go. If someone doenst want children at their wedding, that's totally up to them. It would be very embarrassing and annoying to be asked the reasoning or to make an exception. That happened to my sister over a guest's girlfriend (of two or so weeks) and she felt obliged to then say that this girl was welcome to come. Which meant that she then had to cut one of her own friends from the list.









Weddings are very expensive, as are all such functions. I just had to pay half the adult price for the children at ds's christening reception - yes, half adult price, even for mac'n'cheese for the one-year-olds. I"d be royally pissed off if someone tried to invite someone else for me to pay for at such a function. Very rude, imo.

This topic seems to be a regular one at mdc. I dont understand why its not just accepted that if you have a party you can invite who you like. Those guests can accept or decline, and should do so politely and graciously.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby*
Couldn't agree more. I totally understand that the bride and groom can invite or not invite whomever they want, but it makes me sad that some people view children as annoyances rather than the important people that they are.

I think it's sad too, HOWEVER a lot of times children aren't invited because on specific children. A good friend of mine didn't invite children to her wedding, except those participating in the wedding, because her aunt doesn't teach her children how to behave and my friend AND I have witnessed these particular children completely ruin two weddings. I mean taking handfulls on the cake. The second time it made the cake unstable and it toppled over....a $500 cake. They also thought it was funny to stomp on the bride's dress and ended up tearing ithe skirt partially from the bodice. Many families have children like this somewhere....and it's easier to not invite any children than to exclude the children from one couple and have hurt feelings. My own little cousins were like that when they were small. Their mom's excuse for everything was "well she's only 2" Which is on occasion a valid statement, but it doesn't explain why mom wasn't keeping a better eye on teh child then so that she wasn't petting the dog with hands sticky from a lollypop, then sticking her hand in teh food on the buffet table, among other things, lol.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gottaknit*
Two weeks later we get another call that we're all invited after all. Turns out the bride found out about the no kids policy her parents had tried to enforce and wasn't happy about it.

Been there...only in my case the bride said she wasn't having kids there because her mom said so. And bride didn't appreciate it when I wouldn't come because as I told her, baby dd was not comfortable away from me. Dh went and saw bride's sister nursing her baby there.


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Britishmum..I understand what you are saying







I take issue with all of the responses that say, "don't take it personally..." Why? Isn't it personal when someone isn't invited or considered? What is just my dh got an invitation.."We really like you better than Joan, and the paltes are expensive, but don't take it persoanlly!!" Extreme, perhaps, but a possible analogy.

I just think that it is so sad that kids are so often excluded because they are KIDS. Family weddings are so important and such a loving celebration, it just honestly makes me sad.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

If parents would use good judgement on who to bring/when to bring/when to leave, brides would not have to make these terrible decisions. Screaming kids at elegant night weddings are a PITA. All of us brilliant MDC parents know when our kids have overstayed their welcome and respect our children's limitations, sure. But I've been to plenty of weddings where I have practically stepped on crying children stumbling around from exhuastion.

I don't think there is anything wrong with adult-only events. I think day weddings, rehersal buffets, family picnics (when there are a lot of out-of-town relative & friends coming, there are events besides the wedding that are planned), showers etc are all more appropriate places for kids to experience loving relatives that at some weddings. Too many parents ignore their children and their needs. Just because a kid looks cute in party clothes is no reason to make them suffer through a wedding reception. Or a long ceremony. Ug. I am sure every little kid on the planet loves being shushed as the bride and groom read their own (endless) vows to each other.









That all said, I had kids at my wedding, but it was an afternoon reception. But true, some of them were really annoying, and I *love* kids. :LOL


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Hi UUMom









We were married at 11:00 am (in a UU church







) and had an afternoon/ lunch reception. We had all of our nieces and nephews in the wedding party. They were as adorable as can be







The not so adorable ones were Ron's 2 older nephews ("bestmen") who had gum in their mouths







: We had special food, sundeas and gingerale for the kids. It really was a nice event, daytime formal, filled with family and friends. We paid for everything ourselves, which helped us make all of the decisions. ids need oppurtunities to learn how to behave at weddings and formal events, but I daresay some of the behavior described thus far would put anyone off


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## crazy_eights (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby*
I never understood the money argument about kids though - why is it no problem to pay for your great aunt's meal, whom you haven't even seen in 8 years, but it's considered outrageous to have to pay for a child's meal?
Okay, that was totally off topic.

Well, for me, I know that most of my friends have an AVERAGE of 5 kids. I have some (even when I married) that had 8 or so. I had *one* great aunt that attended. You can see where the 200 or so friends and family invited would have swollen to quite a huge number. And for the record, children of close family (and babies in arms) were invited.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:

I never understood the money argument about kids though - why is it no problem to pay for your great aunt's meal, whom you haven't even seen in 8 years, but it's considered outrageous to have to pay for a child's meal?
Just playing devils advocate here....What if you don't know the kids at all?? Often times you might want to have your immediate nieces and nephews or your best friend's kids you see every weekend but what about the cousins you "have" to invite? Cousins you haven't seen in a long time or only see at family functions? Why should you have to invite their five kids?? And if you don't invite those kids but invite others your Aunt (who you love and see often) is going to raise holy war that her grandchildren weren't invited. So if you invite those 5 then you have to invite all kids and now your small, intimate wedding of 50 close friends and family is now only family and is over 50% kids, most who you don't know and you have to pay for all those meals. So instead you have no kids so you can invite a few friends and still keep the head count at 50 and still be able to stay on budget.

*the you is a general you and in no way refers to any one specific person/poster, real or imagined.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Well...*maybe* the great Aunt remembers the bride fondly and is getting on in yrs and might *love* to attend the wedding. Whereas a tiny kid might not care a bit.

I had two little flower girls at my wedding, and tons of nieces & nephews (huge southern euro family) attended (Like two hundred people







). Some of the children knew how to behave, and some of them hadn't a clue. Some parents knew what their kids were doing and some did not. Some adults were pretty tipsy, but i don't remember nearly falling on top of them.

Honeslty, it didn't affect me negatively at all. I loved them all. Even the crying during the ceremony was kind of cute. There were a ton of little boys in knickers and croteched white cotton socks running around the dance floor, playing tag, who were bugging me here and there. But i didn't waste any time worrying about them.

But honestly? Some of them *were* annoying. My inlaws paid for the plates of all those little hellions, so I never lost a moments sleep over them. They were kinda cute. The kind of boys who will (literally) talk your undies off when you're backpacking through Europe. :nana: Keep your girls close. :LOL


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## sparkprincess (Sep 10, 2004)

I agree with everything UUMom said! Very well put.

We did not invite children to our wedding. We simply did not have the money or the space. And it wasn't for lack of trying either. We looked at several different places, but only one worked out for us. So while it's a nice sentiment to say that "if children aren't allowed a new place should be found" it just doesn't always work that way.

Money was a huge issue for us (as it was we ended up being in debt over the wedding - not a great way to start a new life together!). We also had a lot of family coming in from a small town 2 hours away and so we had to be careful of where the wedding and reception was held because we wanted it to be easy to get to.

There, too, was the issue of some parents who just don't give a rip what their kids are doing. I have seen many a wedding ruined by a child (and I don't say "ruined" lightly, like kids just being kids, ya know?). It's really sad and frustrating.

I think it's awesome that some of you were able to make special accomodations for kids! I've read some awesome ideas here!

Anyway, to the OP, I hope everything works out and I'm sorry you are feeling annoyed at the situation. Being a mom I would be sad and disappointed if my kids weren't invited somewhere, but hopefully, understanding as well.

Good luck!


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## cuqui (Apr 14, 2004)

When I got married, I was just not into kids, so no children were invited. BTW, Those that did have kids were not close relatives, they were friends, just 2 couples. My BIL had a 4 yr old and flew over from Ireland with his wife and dd, no way was I going to tell them they had to make sitter arrangements in a foreign country and she is DH's niece. Her parents looked after her, she danced with her daddy and had a great time. Never got in my way.

In 4 weeks we are traveling 1200 miles to my nephew's wedding. The invite was addressed to DH & I, I told my mom that only I would attend and DH would take the girls to a park. My sister called and said she was sorry it was unclear that the girls were invited. So now we are all going to the wedding. My girls eat adult food, so no special arrangements need be made for mac & cheese or chicken nuggets (they'd never eat that, lol). My sister also knows that her son will recieve a generous gift from me, so no fear that they will have to pay for my kids and get a gift that doesn't cover the expense.

I say call the relative and explain that you cannot both attend unless your dc are welcomed. If $$ are an issue, offer to pay for their meals.

Good luck!


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## crunchy_mama (Oct 11, 2004)

I know I have probably grown up in an entirely different culture than most of the people on these boards- I live in the rural Midwest. Two things just baffle me;
1) That people actually live their lifes by the rules of an etiquette book. I have never read an etiquette book, never plan to, and most people I know would think the entire concept was laughable.
2) That a marriage- what I consider a family event- ie you are making a family and joining families- could not/would not allow children. Children are a part of their families- this reminds me of a Wife Swap episode where the one wife was trying to "dekid" the house- and the one child was sooo hurt by this. To me this is just a perpetuation of a society that is anti-family. People are not supposed to let children interfere with their lives, children are to be seen not heard. I find this incredibly disturbing. DH and I do not attend/will not attend any event where our child is not welcome.

I hear all the arguments for this- too much money, space won't allow etc etc. To me there are always other compromises to be made to accomodate *all* of the family.

I do agree that it is the bride and groom's decision on this matter. However, people around here would consider that *bad ettiquette*.

To the op, I do hope that you able to resolve the situation to a way that is satisfactory for your family.


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## nycapmom (Jan 30, 2005)

I haven't read the entire thread but....

When DH and I were planning our wedding I didn't even consider not inviting children. I hadn't been to many weddings and honestly didn't know anyone wouldn't want children to attend a wedding. We had space and money limitations but we factored *everyone* in when planning the guest list. It never occured to us to do it any other way.

When our oldest was 5 months, there was a TON of pressure on us to go to a family weekend long wedding where kids were allowed to hang out at a hotel (with babysitters) but were not allowed at the ceremony or reception. DH and I were shocked and I ended up staying home with our baby and DH went. He didn't want to go but he would have never heard the end of it if he didn't. I am still made to feel guilty 4 years later


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## slightly crunchy (Jul 7, 2003)

I agree that the correct etiquette is that the only ones invited are those whose names are on the invitation.

That said, I think a lot of people just do not pay attention to etiquette. Also sometimes the relative is the groom, and the bride's family of course does all the invitations and may have miscommunications with groom's side, miss something, or not realize you have children or what their names are.

For the wedding invites since we have had a child, and invitaton does not include our child's name or say "family", here is what we do. If it is a friend or relative, we decide whether or not we will go if ds is not invited (generally not!). Instead of RSVPing at the last minute, we call somewhat ahead of time, and mention that we will not be able to come because we do not feel comfortable leaving dc. They can then have a chance to clarify that dc is indeed invited and just not mentioned on the invite, or that there will be an onsite babysitter, or what have you. We have been to a couple of weddings (family) with ds where he was not on the invite, but actually was invited and there were other children there as well.

If it is more of an acquaintance or someone where we don't know the bride and groom very well, we just assume ds isn't invited and RSVP regrets by mail.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I agree with going and (a) not going to the wedding but arranging to get together with family in town that weekend (b) going and having hubby (or someone else) watch kids during the wedding.

People have different priorities when it comes to weddings.
Some people get caught up in spending $$$$$$ and making a big show that family takes a back seat.
We had kids at our wedding ceremony and reception and it was a great day. I think the kids helped make it great.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

If your children are 4.5 and 10, they can certainly behave well at a wedding ceremony. A ten year old! My goodness! I was at a wedding last weekend and the groom had three children, all of whom comported themselves with tremendous grace and dignity. (Which is a lot to expect from children under 12 whose divorced parent is remarrying.)

If I were in your shoes, pending clarification from your cousin, of course, I would probably not attend if the wedding reception were in the afternoon, and would attend if it were in the evening. Your children would probably be asleep by the time an evening party got going, so it wouldn't feel as much like they were being excluded. That definitely reflects my ideas about bedtimes, doesn't it!







But I would plan to go whether I was attending the wedding or not, just to see the relatives.

I don't like weddings without children. We invited 26 children to our wedding. It was great fun. I can understand why some people don't want children at a sophisticated adult reception. I just don't want to go to anything that sophisticated myself! That was true even before I had my own child whom I wouldn't leave with a sitter at night! Everyone has different taste.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

oh geesh I guess my etiquette is all backwards then!

in fact we just recently brought our 1yo to my BIL wedding. his name was NOT on the invite! oops...now I feel bad!







I guess we just assumed he was welcome! we sat in the back with his stroller and a bunch of toys and he was great, didn't make a peep. I was ready to run out of the chapel though if he did as they were videotaping it.

I don't undertsand why it's rude to call and ask though







it would suck to miss the wedding and find out later your dc was welcome after all,yk?


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## twindaze (Aug 13, 2002)

I'm from a huge family with tons of kids. Basically, the cousins' kids aren't invited to weddings. I do think it's kind of sad, I invited all the kids to my wedding, dh insisted, plus, many of my cousins were kids then so a no kids policy would have excluded them as well.

HOwever, we had our reception at a hall that had a set price for up to 330 people. We invited about that many including kids, so it wasn't really a problem for us. And I don't remember noticing the kids at the reception at all.

Babies in arms are always welcome though. Plus, I usually try to get a sitter anyway so I can have fun and because my kids have to go to bed by 9. We do take the 11 month old but that will change shortly as he's turning into a toddler.


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## Kavita (Dec 7, 2004)

I don't think that this should be suprising or shocking that children are not necessarily invited to weddings. Yes, children are part of families, but not all family members are necessarily invited to all weddings either. For our wedding, we chose to invite aunts, uncles and first cousins, but that was it. Were there people excluded? Of course. Inherent in the act of sending invitations to an event is the idea of choosing who gets to come! It's different than throwing an open house. This is partly a cultural issue, and partly depends on the type of wedding and reception one has.

For my wedding, we grappled with this issue. We could only have 80 people maximum. This was all the location would hold, and all the people we could afford to have. We had to cut out a LOT of people we would have liked to invite in order to have the kind of wedding we wanted to have. (And by that I mean a religious ceremony and then a lunch reception, rather than a BBQ in a local park!) We had to have numbers in and seating arranged, and the whole thing was pretty stressful and difficult but it turned out to be a very wonderful wedding for us. Frankly, I don't think the average little kid is going to put the same meaning into being invited or not invited to a wedding as an adult. A wedding is a very special time for the couple, and it should be about them, not about the impossible task of accomodating everyone else at their own expense.

Thus said, we did invite children who were very close to us at our wedding, and we enjoyed having them very much. We had our nieces and nephews, including my nephew who was the ring-bearer. We also had a 12 year old who is the son of DH's very close friends, and whom he is very close to. (We told him he was DH's "godson" if anyone asked, so we didn't piss off my relatives whose children didn't get invited too much!) We also had one couple's 9 y/o daughter, who DH considers sort of like a niece, who asked us if she could be the flowergirl, so I made her the flowergirl and she came too! We initially planned to have babysitting available at our house a few miles away from the reception site for out of town guests' kids and anyone else who needed it (including my 2 y/o niece, at my sister's request, in case she melted down during the events!) But in the end there weren't enough kids who were going to be there, so we told the flowergirl's parents to just go ahead and bring their 2 year old son. By that time we had given up struggling with this issue!! We hadn't invited the children of my cousins however, each of whom I've met once in their entire childhoods. (They are about 15, 12, 9, and 6.) Since those kids all live out of state and don't really even know who I am, I don't think they really were crushed at not going to my wedding, and their parents all had conflicting travel plans anyway. (One cousin going to Tokyo, the other to Tahiti, the other pregnant and didn't feel like a one hour flight.) Similarly, when one of those cousins got married, those cousin-lets (her nieces and nephews) were invited while my sister's kids were not. Didn't bother them, since they didn't even know her. I think my sister and husband didn't go to that wedding because it was out of town and would have involved leaving the kids. I think it's just par for the course.

A note to the posters who were upset because they didn't come to a wedding b/c their children weren't invited but then found out that there were kids at the wedding--we also had some people just show up with their kids, to our suprise. So some of those babies and kids may have been suprise guests!!


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Having had a big, formal wedding, I do know understand why people feel they might not be able to invite many kids (cost, space, etc.). But we didn't really have any issues--none of our friends had children yet and because my parents are older, only one of their friends had a young child (c. 8 years old) and we invited her. The only other "kid" was my cousin, who was a pre-teen.

When another cousin got married, my niece was about 6 mos. old and was invited. But dn's parents (my sister and BIL) were very respectful of the situation--dn was at the ketubbah signing for family and at the ceremony, but BIL stepped away with her when she started to get fussy. They brought her to the cocktail hour, but then BIL took her upstairs during the reception (we all stayed in the hotel where the wedding was). My point was: sister and BIL knew dn's schedule and behavior and they respected both dn's needs and the bride and groom's. Unfortunately, I don't think all parents are so mindful of their children's behavior!

My favorite picture from that wedding is of the bride, in her fancy fancy wedding gown and veil, holding and smiling at dn, who's dressed in a white dress and little bonnet. The picture says: this is a bride who really cherishes the idea of starting her own family.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

If that last paragraph is referring to my post, nope. I asked the groom, and yes, the kids that were there were invited. That's what upset me. Not my dd being excluded, but her being excluded when other kids were not, AND because she was the couple's god daughter.


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## primgirl (Sep 6, 2004)

We chose not to invite children to our wedding for the following reason. My grandmother died pretty early on in the wedding preparations. At her visitation/viewing, my cousin's three children decided it would be appropriate to play tag in the same room as the open coffin. Where was their mother, you might ask? She was playing tag with them. The funeral director had to tell them to stop 3 times, before he finally asked them to leave. I was in constant fear that they would knock over the casket. We're not talking about bored kids playing for a few minutes and then stopping. They would play for 15 or more minutes until the funeral director came to talk to them. After he left they would start again. I was too disgusted and distraught to say anything. A few people approached them and told them it was not appropriate, but they didn't give a flip. Oh, the cousin and her children were not related to my grandmother (mom's mom) they are on my dads side of the family. I decided right then and there that if they thought it was appropriate to act like that at a visitation, I did not want to know what they thought was appropriate at a wedding.

Luckily there were not a lot of people with children in our lives at the time. The only three kids we wanted to be at our wedding were asked to be part of the wedding party.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

So don't go. Or if it's local, hire your best sitter and go. The bride to be deserves her day to be "perfect" in her mind. If that means no kids well, she'll be happy. Don't get so worked up. Some folks are just like this.


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## yaM yaM (Nov 9, 2003)

I love all the replies supporting the priority of 'Family Comes First.' While I respect that we all have the right to do what we want/ have the priorities we want, etc., it's nice to know that there's still a lot of people who support _this_ priority -- because I _do_ agree with the pp who said something like "marriage is the beginning of a family, and families have children, etc." So, so true. . . .

So, the update is this --

I heard from the groom and he said it was all basically a big misunderstanding. His mother, my aunt, did not know that my dc were 'an exception' because 'they are close family members' (according to my cousin). My aunt had already been informed that no chidren would be at the wedding -- period. Apparently, my cousin had just _assumed_ I would know that _my_ children were invited, as he loves them to pieces and they call him 'Uncle X', etc, etc. (That is why my dc's names were not included on the invitation.) Well, I was assuming the same thing, of course, but after hearing that info from my aunt (who had heard the decision from the _bride's_ mother, not knowing what the _groom_ wanted), well . . . I was really shocked and confused. So he wants them to come! I am feeling greatly relieved, and happy that I braved the rapids and just laid it all out on the table, tactfully of course. It just shows that there are times when things are purely a misunderstanding... and how sad would it have been if we had just not attended, never having inquired about this situation, and then missed out on sharing in this grand event with my lovely family?!

BTW, those horror stories about chidlren misbehaving at family events is crazy. What kind of people let their children run wild/ be destructive at funerals? And weddings, too, for that matter? _Anywhere_, actually?!?!? I don't relate to that at all (thank G-d). I don't know anyone personally who's children behave like that. My own dc are very mellow, down-to-earth young people and if they do behave in inappropriate ways, well, we *TALK* about it and work through it. . . geesh, what a concept.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Yay, I'm so happy for you!!!


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm happy for you too. I NEVER EVER agreed that it was rude to ask for clarification.

And to all who say the bride and groom have the right to do what they want...yes, that's true. But if they say no kids, they do NOT have the right to guilt trip those who choose not to come as a result of their no child policy.

primgirl...I'm sorry you had to deal with such horrifying behavior from an
adult!?!! That must have been heartbreaking.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy*
If that last paragraph is referring to my post, nope. I asked the groom, and yes, the kids that were there were invited. That's what upset me. Not my dd being excluded, but her being excluded when other kids were not, AND because she was the couple's god daughter.

This exactly why I think many people choose the "all or nothing" approach to children at weddings. If some are allowed and others are not feelings are going to be hurt regardless of the family relationship.

This doesn't relate to IM's reply but the "no kids/adults only" is made worse when when a bride or groom is guilted or strong armed into making exceptions. The ones who abided by the invite end up hurt and pissed off. It just is not fair to bridal couple to put them in that position. Nor should the people who choose not to go be made to feel guilty for deciding to stay home with their children.


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

This is a great thread! It is so interesting to read everyone's point of view!

When we got married in 1998, we invited kids to the ceremony & cocktail hour & provided access to a sitter for the reception. the youngest child was 5-ish, so there were no babies in arms to worry about. there were plenty of cousins in the 5-12 age range & at $100 a plate (average in these parts) there was no way we were buying dinner for all!!! everyone seemed to understand, at least to our faces :LOL

my brother got married in Chicago last April. DD was 13 months old & somehow i agreed for her to be the flower girl. it was very stressful. we were originally told there would be a sitter available, but the story deteriorated gradually & got very unreliable. we called a sitting service that we found through urban baby & got a wonderful college student who came 2 nights in a row to the hotel to stay with dd. dd was never one to just fall asleep wherever she was- she's a big fan of her bedtime & routines & we were already on a 1 hour earlier time difference. it all worked out well- it was expensive but definitely worth the effort.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *May May*
I _do_ agree with the pp who said something like "marriage is the beginning of a family, and families have children, etc." So, so true. . . .


Not all families have children. I can think of at least 3 marriages of people who do not plan to have or want to have children.


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## asherah (Nov 25, 2001)

I think it is very sad that some people choose to exclude children from family/community rites of passage. I would never do that... and I am very thankful that my family shares my values on this. We make room for kids.. always.. despite money concerns. We'd just get cheaper champagne, give up the DJ, whatever... but we don't exclude kids. That's not part of our family values.

If by some fluke it DID happen, I would not go to a family wedding without my child, though I would not make an issue out of it either. I would simply decline the invitation.

Same for CLOSE friends. I can't imagine the people I am closest to.. the people who love me... excluding my child from such an event.

Casual friends or co-workers, I don't have the same expectations of them.
But I am not likely to get a babysitter for such an occasion, either.. unless I HAD to go for work appearances or something.


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## knittingmomma (Jun 5, 2004)

We have declined soooo many weddings over the past ten years because no children were allowed... I am nearly always breastfeeding a little one it seems plus we don't always have someone to watch them especially at a family or relatives wedding.

It is such a sad commentary on our society to exclude children from important events.... there is so much of - this is for children and this is for adults..... crazy in my opinion...

Warm wishes,
Tonya


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## Bethla (May 29, 2004)

I am going to a family wedding this summer. My family has been talking about it for a year now. We all were going to go at first but then I decided it was too far of a trip (500 miles) to go for just a weekend. So I'm flying down by myself.

We recently got the invitation in the mail which said two seats were reserved for us. And at the bottom it said "no children please". In all those months my family member never mentioned that decision. I guess it was hers to make. Although, I'm really dissapointed by it.


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## ChiroWife (Oct 23, 2004)

We had children at our wedding and loved it.









One of my good friends chose not to have children attend. We tried to find a relative to watch DD (Grandma, Aunt, etc.) because they live close to the wedding location, but everyone was out of town (holiday weekend.) So I ended up having to decline and she was really upset.

I don't know what she wanted me to do though. It was a 5 hour drive one way and there is no way I was doing that by myself. It just wasn't going to work out.

I think as long as the couple understand that people they really want to come may have to decline then they should do what they want for their day.


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## CountryMom2e (Apr 1, 2005)

I just wanted to add - we had to decide on this issue when we got married. We wanted a small intimate ceremony & reception but our parents hijacked that idea and it turned into this huge event. Well, our budget was stretched as it was (DH and I paid for most of it ourselves) and ultimately, if we had invited all of the kids of our friends and family, we would have had at least 30 kids present. But we couldn't say "no kids at all" because my three sibs, DH's cousin, and DH's best friend all had little ones at the time and would be travelling quite a distance.

Our compromise was that we arranged for a room at the reception to be set up as a kids' room - TV with a VCR, some toys, etc. The caterer provided kids meals at a discount (not the absurd price we paid for adults but still $$). My sister brought her mom-in-law who watched her two kids during the church service and reception. My brother and his wife alternated with their little nursling, and my brother-in-law spent much of the reception happily watching a video with his 3 yr old son. Some of the kids were at the reception, some I barely saw







But everyone had a good time, and we were able to have the "mostly" adult affair we wanted.

It's a tough call to make as a bride - some kids are angels while others are brats and you can't invite just the angels! Plus it is very expensive.

We haven't had to attend an out-of-town wedding with/without DS thankfully, but if we did and I couldn't get a sitter, either one of us would attend, or we'd opt out.

GL!


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## NotAMama (Jul 26, 2003)

Replying not as a mama, but as a bride-to-be who is having a childfree ceremony and mostly childfree reception.

My decision was made for many reasons. I've been to one too many weddings where I was unable to hear the bride and groom (the reason for the wedding) exchanging vows because of a baby screeching in the background. I went to a wedding where a mama just found it so adorable when her toddler ran up the aisle and started playing with the beading and embroidery on the train of the bride's dress -- the mama simply didn't understand WHY the bride was so upset. I've heard of weddings where unruly children were allowed to upset the unity candle, destroy the wedding cake and mess up the professional photos by continually running into the posed shots.

I know that if the (three years old at the time of the wedding) daughter of one of my bridesmaids was in the "audience", she would set up to screaming and howling and wailing the moment she saw her mother and would not stop. Even if she is removed immediately, that is forever captured on the video I am paying close to $1500 for.

For out of town guests and bridal party's children, I am hiring two babysitters (at my own expense) and they will be set up in a room in the hotel where the wedding is taking place. They will have a child friendly dinner and be able to run about and shout and holler and play. After the ceremony, and after dinner, the children will be welcome to join the reception. I have already started the "no kids, please" with local relatives via word of mouth and so far, not a single person has a problem with it.

Yes, children are part of my family, but I do lots of things with portions of my family and not with other. The women of my family get together twice a year for a Ladies Night where we all get together, hang out, stay up all night, talk and enjoy each other's company. Ladies under 18 are not allowed. Young uns stay home with daddy that night and the young girls of our family can't wait to turn 18 to go to a ladies night.

I did not make the decision to have no kids at my wedding because I don't think family is a priority. I adore my family -- that is why I am having over 200 people at my wedding -- 80% of them are MY family alone.

Yes, my wedding IS starting a family. It is starting the family that will be my husband and myself. From the moment we say I Do, we will be a family. When we plan to expand our family, we certainly won't have over 200 witnesses! :LOL


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## *LoveBugMama* (Aug 2, 2003)

Yeah, what Crunchy Mama said!!


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## Squirrelly (Mar 24, 2005)

I totally agree with you!
I love kids as much as the next person, but kids are not miniature adults. They do not necessarily want to be at an adult function. In fact, at almost every wedding I've been to, the little ones were whining about wanting to go home, or else they were wreaking havock with no supervision.
I had kids at my wedding, but I count myself lucky that nothing bad happened. I have been to weddings where kids destroyed the cake, the decorations, the centerpieces, the food tables, you name it. It's been said before, but often a bride must not include ANY kids because of a few rotten ones. It's not fair to the good kids, but the rotten kids' parents would put up a stink if their "precious kids" weren't invited.


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## CindyC (Mar 22, 2002)

I believe it is up to the bride and groom whether to invite children or not. I grew up going to family weddings, so the idea is not foreign to me. If our daughter is not invited to the wedding, we decide if we want to get a sitter. If not, then we decline the invite. BTW, for our wedding, we had an afternoon reception and children were invited. No crying, no disturbances.


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