# Am I being paranoid?



## SkylarJulesmom (Feb 11, 2007)

Ok If this is in the wrong place please let me know. I was just thinking today, While we were in Walmart my dd had to go to the bathroom. I went in with dd(6) and Ds(8.5) to the ladies room and we did our thing and left. No one said anything no one even looked at us for that matter. But I just can't help thinking. Is Ds too old for me to still take into the ladies room with me?? I remember a conversation I had a long time ago with a dear friend (much older than me) while Ds was still a baby, about how when a son turns about 9 he shouldn't be going into the ladies room with his mother any more and how she disapproved of it, Stating that at 9 yrs old He would start to think things and notice things. I told her that as his mother I would decide when he was old enough to go to the "Mens room" alone and we left it at that. BUT I thought about it on and off ever since then... So Am I paranoid? I just really don't feel comfortable letting my son go alone into the men's room. When we're with Dh he goes with him. and If there's a family restroom we usually go in there, if no one has to potty we're good. So what do you think?? I know I'm not going to take him to the bathroom with me until he goes to college, but at what age do you feel comfortable letting them go alone? I can see if he only has to go I could stand outside tell him to go in and come out quickly. I don't know I'm so torn!! Thank you for reading and Thanks in advance for advice!


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## lasciate (May 4, 2005)

What sort of things is he going to think and notice in a ladies room? It's not like anything happens outside the stalls other than general primping and handwashing.


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## True Blue (May 9, 2003)

a big 'ol yeah that! LOL No one is standing around with their pants down like a men's room LOL!


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I used to think people needed to get a grip, cut the cord, let go a little...blah blah blah. Now I think as long as you teach him to be respectful while he's in there (really, I don't need ANYONE peeking through the crack in the door while I'm doing my thing and this happens ALL THE TIME. We need to teach little girls to be respectful, too) it shouldn't matter.

If anyone ever gives you a hard time, maybe it's time to start thinking about letting him go in the men's room alone but until then, you guys can work at your own comfort level.

A few weeks ago I was in a lady's room and somone sent her (I'm guessing) ten or eleven year old boy in ALONE and I thought, ok, this is crossing a line. The kid didn't look too happy about it either.


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## bestjob (Mar 19, 2002)

At our house we found that ds1 was around 8 when he wanted to go to the mens' room and ds2 is 7 and he wants to go on his own as well.

We arrange a meeting spot and they are always there in 1 minute. I send them back to wash their hands. Then I send them back to wash their hands with soap.

If you were finished in the ladies' room and your ds wasn't out of the mens' room, do you think any dad/grandpa/caring soul would mind if you stood at the door and hollered in at your kid? And then, if you didn't get an answer, if you invaded? They'd think you were a heroine, and they'd be right.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
A few weeks ago I was in a lady's room and somone sent her (I'm guessing) ten or eleven year old boy in ALONE and I thought, ok, this is crossing a line. The kid didn't look too happy about it either.

Wait...she sent her 10 yo boy into the women's restroom alone? Why?







If he's going alone, why not the men's room?

As for the OP, I agree with previous posts - go at your own pace.


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## TheGirls (Jan 8, 2007)

Does your DS have a problem with it? AS a woman I wouldn't care about having a 9 yr old boy in the restroom, but I think if I had an 8.5 yr old who was protesting using the women's room I'd probably let him use the men's. Of course I used a co-ed shower room in my dorm in college for 2 years, so I've long since stopped worrying about who is on the other side of the stall door (or curtain).

I do agree with the PP, though, all children need to be taught not to peek. I assume an 8.5 yr old is old enough to know better than that, at least.


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## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

Ok, I'm not trying to scare anyone or be a real downer, but I remember a story on Oprah years ago where a little boy was allowed to go into the men's restroom alone. He was about 7 or 8 and he was killed by a man waiting in the restroom. Granted, pyschopathic killers are not lurking in every men's restroom in America, but that story has stuck with me all this time.

8 or 9 year olds have different maturity levels so I don't think you can pinpoint an age. There's quite a few family restrooms where we live but if those weren't available I'd take a boy into the women's restroom w/o a second thought.


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## frontstreetmama (Jun 5, 2007)

it's a bit different, but all of the swimming places I've been have signs on the change rooms that say children over 6 must use the gender appropriate change room... I have a 5 year old nephew and babysit a 4 year old boy and they both go in the men's washroom while I wait outside... the WalMart here has an open entrance so you can hear what's going on inside... also, I would feel weird about a daughter going into the men's room with her father -- even without the open-concept urinals... HOWEVER, having said all this, I have no problem with public washrooms that aren't male/female... go figure..


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## love2all (Dec 13, 2003)

I do not like the openness in a mens room-
my 9 yo will often choose to go into the womens room to pee- he has more privacy that way...
his choice, and he is certainly not looking/lurking/staring/peeking....


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SkylarJulesmom* 
Stating that at 9 yrs old He would start to think things and notice things

What sorts of things? He may see a woman wash her hands, fix her hair/make-up, maybe change a diaper. Not much mysterious stuff happens in there







I generally don't run around the restroom nude


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## SkylarJulesmom (Feb 11, 2007)

Oh Thanks for the great answers! I feel so much better now. abomgardner417 I saw that episode too! Which kinda swayed the way I think. And wasn't it the Aunt who was with the child as well? How terrible would that feel??
He knows that its not nice to peek into other peoples stalls and if you don't know if anyone is in one you knock before anything else. He hasn't protested and is very comfortable with going in with me so I won't push until he's ready. Maybe I'll casually ask him next time we're in Target or Walmart and the situation comes up if he wants to try going in by himself and see where that gos. He's usually pretty up front with me and if I ask he'll give me an honest answer. (He's also VERY literal so If I tell him to stay by the cart when he comes out he'll try to follow my directions to a T not wanting to do anything that wasn't what I said. Which has its upsides and down sides!







but thats another time lol)


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

Go with your own comfort level as pp have said.

There is no "magical age" in which all children are suddenly ready to do something, be it something physical like walking or something emotional like going to a public restroom on their own.

Also if a pool's restrooms are not really restrooms but locker rooms. The OP was talking about a public wash room in a store, in which people should not be changing clothes out in the open.

My six yr old still goes with me to the ladies room, and he'll continue to do so until he's really ready to venture out alone. Pffffft to any old prudes who want to complain about it. PS: he spends his time dancing infront the mirror rather than peaking through the cracks while I'm doing my business.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

I dunno...i think if you feel more comfortable with it, by all means continue. but what, exactly, are you afraid is going to happen for the few minutes your son is in the restroom? Do you think he will be molested? Killed? sure, i heard about that 9 yr old boy killed in a campground restroom too....but that is one of those fluke crazy things. That child could have been killed *anywhere*, he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. In places like stores, i was more comfortable early on letting my son go in by himself, with me standing by the door. In places where there were LOTS of people, crowds, and hard to keep track of him...like the movie theater restroom after a film lets out (which is usually packed), i made him go in w/ me for a longer period of time.

I think at some point, your son will refuse to go into the women's bathroom with you...so the "issue" will solve itself.

Years ago, i was in a fast food restaurant bathroom and some dad sent his toddler girl in there by herself, she couldnt even get her overalls down and i had to help her. She was well under two years old. I wish the dad would have realized that no mother would have faulted him for going in with her.

Katherine


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *odenata* 
Wait...she sent her 10 yo boy into the women's restroom alone? Why?







If he's going alone, why not the men's room?
.

i assume that most moms want their boys using the women's room because they are afraid of their boys being molested/kidnapped/killed or otherwise bothered in the men's room. Statistically, a young boy is far more likely to be a victim of those things by a man than a woman, esp considering if a woman is looking for a young male victim she probably isnt doing that in the women's bathroom yknow?

Katherine


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

i take my 10 yo in w/ me. i think im pretty protective of him though.







but i dont care. i would rather be safe than sorry.

i wouldnt send him alone though.


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## SkylarJulesmom (Feb 11, 2007)

My Dear Friend was in her 60's when we had that conversation maybe she thought he would notice that other people pee too!!







:







Or I sometimes wondered what SHE did in the ladies room!







I don't really know what I'm afraid of really, What can happen? I truly think in one way I don't want him to want to use the mens room because then he's really growing up







ykwim. I just really wanted to know if other moms are like minded like me. Or if I was making it out to be more than it is!


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## knitted_in_the_wom (May 27, 2008)

I'm definitely the odd one out here!

My *4 year old* DS uses the men's restroom, by his insistance! Yes, I've heard the horror stories...but honestly, the risks of kids getting assaulted actually increase as they age...so what am I going to do, tag along with them to college? With my son, he's quite verbal and loud about what he wants in the bathroom--which is that he wants to use the men's room (because he likes the urinals), AND he does not want the door to be closed. So I get to stand outside the men's room holding the door open until he finishes his business. LOL.

I do take him into the women's room at very busy places...but more often than not, he's in the men's room. At our Walmart there are restrooms in the front and back, the ones in the back are less busy. So we tend to use those more than the ones in the front.

Jenn


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## knitted_in_the_wom (May 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
i assume that most moms want their boys using the women's room because they are afraid of their boys being molested/kidnapped/killed or otherwise bothered in the men's room. Statistically, a young boy is far more likely to be a victim of those things by a man than a woman, esp considering if a woman is looking for a young male victim she probably isnt doing that in the women's bathroom yknow?

Katherine

But male pedophiles are rarely looking for victims in public bathrooms either!

They look for them on baseball teams that they coach, in their neighborhood, and at family picnics. They groom the kid to accept their advances over time. And girls are more likely to be victims of sexual abuse than boys--though the numbers are WAY too high for both genders.

The truth is that we can't supervise our kids into safety in all cases unless we NEVER let them out of our sight--we need to educate them on preserving their own boundaries.

Jenn


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
Years ago, i was in a fast food restaurant bathroom and some dad sent his toddler girl in there by herself, she couldnt even get her overalls down and i had to help her. She was well under two years old. *I wish the dad would have realized that no mother would have faulted him for going in with her*.

Katherine

I'm assuming that you mean that the dad should have taken his daughter in the men's room right? I would definitely have a problem with a dad bringing his daughter into the women's room.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I'm assuming that you mean that the dad should have taken his daughter in the men's room right? I would definitely have a problem with a dad bringing his daughter into the women's room.

well, it was a small bathroom, just two stalls and not much room to move around in, so i think it would have been fine for him to take her in, and just ask any women to wait a few minutes while he took care of his daughter.

I dunno....it seems more appropriate to me for a man to take his little girl into a women's restroom, where all "business" is done behind closed doors, than into a men's restroom where men are standing around peeing.









I would be absolutely fine with a man taking his young daughter into the women's room (esp if he asked any women there first if they minded)....why would that bother you?

Part of me feels like gender-specific bathrooms are kind of silly, its not like people are generally getting naked in the bathroom so why the segregation? On the other hand, there are the mysterious urinals to consider (i havent spent much time in men's bathrooms to know much about what is in there!).

Katherine


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *knitted_in_the_wom* 
But male pedophiles are rarely looking for victims in public bathrooms either!

oh, i agree with you...i'm not too worried about my son in bathrooms regardless (actually pedophiles are pretty low on my list of concerns all around.)

But my point still stands, if a crazy killer was looking for a boy to molest or to kill, the women's bathroom is an illogical place to be hanging out waiting for him(considering there are very unattended boys in the womens bathroom.) I think to pretend that all risks are equal is kind of silly, and therefore i think saying that a child is at equal risk going into the men's bathroom or the women's bathroom alone is wrong. I think the risk either way is very very small.

Katherine


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## ShadowLark (Aug 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
well, it was a small bathroom, just two stalls and not much room to move around in, so i think it would have been fine for him to take her in, and just ask any women to wait a few minutes while he took care of his daughter.

I dunno....it seems more appropriate to me for a man to take his little girl into a women's restroom, where all "business" is done behind closed doors, than into a men's restroom where men are standing around peeing.









I would be absolutely fine with a man taking his young daughter into the women's room (esp if he asked any women there first if they minded)....why would that bother you?

Part of me feels like gender-specific bathrooms are kind of silly, its not like people are generally getting naked in the bathroom so why the segregation? On the other hand, there are the mysterious urinals to consider (i havent spent much time in men's bathrooms to know much about what is in there!).

Katherine

But you wouldn't think twice about letting him bring his son into the men's room, right? So why not just have him teach his daughter the same rule that he teaches his son - NO PEEKING.
As for the poster who has a son who wants to use the women's room for the privacy of a stall - he does know that there's no rule saying he HAS to use the urinal, right? Men's rooms have stalls, and no one will care if you use them for peeing. So what's the big deal?

My kids are still in diapers, but my oldest is a boy. I think around 7 or 8 (as a guess) is a good age to let him use the men's room alone. We'll reassess when we get there (he's 2).


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

My 7 yr. old ds goes in the women's with me and I'm not sure when we will both be ready for him to use the men's alone (no time soon for sure).


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShadowLark* 
But you wouldn't think twice about letting him bring his son into the men's room, right? So why not just have him teach his daughter the same rule that he teaches his son - NO PEEKING.

This little girl was less than two...i doubt she would really be "peeking"...but my point is that obviously this man felt uncomfortable taking his little girl into the men's room for whatever reason...and so he sent her ALONE into the women's restroom, even though she wasnt even old enough to unbutton her overalls on her own. I think in the interest of safety it would have been much better for him to go in there w/ her. If that bothered any women wanting to use the bathroom, so be it, they can wait. Needs of a two yr old more important, IMO.

Luckily, i think bathrooms in many places are more family friendly than they were fifteen plus years ago.









With my son, for the longest time, i did the "i'm giving you one minute and if you arent out i'm going in after you!" kind of thing...stood right at the door, hollered his name to see if he was ok.

Katherine


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *queenjane* 
This little girl was less than two...i doubt she would really be "peeking"...but my point is that obviously this man felt uncomfortable taking his little girl into the men's room for whatever reason...and so he sent her ALONE into the women's restroom, even though she wasnt even old enough to unbutton her overalls on her own. I think in the interest of safety it would have been much better for him to go in there w/ her. If that bothered any women wanting to use the bathroom, so be it, they can wait. Needs of a two yr old more important, IMO.

Katherine


But honestly a man does not belong in the women's room, even with his daughter. Why would this man feeling uncomfortable with his daughter in the men's room trump the feelings of the women in the women's bathroom? He never should have sent such a young child into the women's room but in no way does he belong in the women's room. There are many women, including a number of them here, that are very modest, covering the majority of their bodies when in public by clothing. I can only imagine what they would feel if confronted by a man in the women's room.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SkylarJulesmom* 
I don't really know what I'm afraid of really, What can happen? I truly think in one way I don't want him to want to use the mens room because then he's really growing up







ykwim. I just really wanted to know if other moms are like minded like me. Or if I was making it out to be more than it is!

i am completely fine w/ my kids growing up. i have an 18 yo that has been going to teh bathroom by himself for a long time. i cant remember exactly what age he was but it was around 11ish or 12 i think. My 10 yo OTOH just has a different personality and i think he may be more easily intimidated.

there are always stories, but in my area (not immediate area but in the North East) there have been stories of ped's in public bathrooms. im just not willing to take that chance.

no..we cant always protect our children from every danger but i can do the best i can w/ what i have and taking my 10 yo w/ me into a women's bathroom (and supervising him while there) is not out of my comfort level. If its out of someone elses, then that is their problem, not mine. My son doesnt peep at anyone else and doesnt have a desire to do so. We are usually in and out very quickly. Most of the moms I have seen in public restrooms understand my concern.


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