# At what age will you allow your child to date?



## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

I was watching sports kids moms & dads, there was a mom on there who wouldn't allow her 15 year old to date. She asked her to come up with one good reason why she wanted to and she couldn't think of anything. It made me wonder, at what age would you let your child start dating? Would you require they be chaperoned or not? I think I'll probably be like that overprotective mama and make her wait until she's 18 to date :LOL but I don't want to be too strict or overbearing because she'll eventually go off to college and really go wild







I guess I'll find a compromise somewhere but my knee jerk reaction is to say no until she's 18 lol.


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## DesireeH (Mar 22, 2003)

I started dating right after I turned 17 (my first boyfriend is now my dh, LOL). My parents never had any set rules, that is just the way it happened. I still had a curfew(even when I was 18 and engaged!) and they strongly encouraged chaperones (which we had most of the time cause we were in a group setting alot). That's just the way it worked out and I never thought it was unfair. I'll have to say we'll see when we get there but I dont like the young middle school dating thing personally.


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## FreeThinkinMama (Aug 3, 2004)

I started dating when I was 14, I asked and was told I could *never* date period. So I started sneaking out my window and did it anyway. I was a very promiscous teen, I'm lucky I didn't wind up pregnant or with an std because I never used protection. I just don't want that to happen to my daughter. I know it would be different because I would actually educate and talk to her about sex, something I never got. But I knew girls my age who did get that and guys talked them into doing it or they just wanted to fit in or whatever.


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

My dh and I have talked about this one. For a group outing 13 or 14. Actual dating alone with a boy probably 16. I supose it depends where they are going but that is pretty much what we have decided on.


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## littleaugustbaby (Jun 27, 2003)

I don't have a set age. It depends on my DD and the situation and how mature she is. I never saw the point in telling someone that they couldn't date until they're X age, everyone that I ever knew who wasn't allowed to date did it anyway.


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

We've discussed this and think 16 for a one-on-one car date. We're very open about sexuality and can just hope our kids will make the right choices at that time.

They're open to go anywhere with anyone right now, as long as it's in a supervised place.

FWIW, going out on "dates" doesn't start up the worries about what they're doing with the opposite sex. I had more sexual experiences with neighborhood "friends" than I did when I actually started dating.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

I don't have a set age--for dd or my boys. I'll let them decide when they're ready.


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## Coffee Mom (Dec 21, 2004)

I have never believed in setting artificial age limits. I've seen 21 yr olds that cant handle liquor while some 16 yo's can drink responsibly. As for dating I think every child is different and matures at different points in life. My daughters both have friends that are not allowed to date, and a few of these friends are sneaking out and being irresponsible with sex. Where there's a will there's a way, so open communication, trust, and building self esteem as children grow up will hopefully enable them to make responsible decisions when the hormone stages kick in. The key is not what age to allow them to date, the key is to have a strong bond with them so that you can help them make good decisions as they mature. BTW, both my daughters started dating around 14.


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## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coffee Mom*
Where there's a will there's a way, so open communication, trust, and building self esteem as children grow up will hopefully enable them to make responsible decisions when the hormone stages kick in. The key is not what age to allow them to date, the key is to have a strong bond with them so that you can help them make good decisions as they mature.









:

Well said, Coffee Mom.


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

I'd like to say 18. :LOL I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My daughter is 12 and doesn't understand why I won't let her date now.







It really depends on the child though, yet I don't think it's fair to let one child date at 16 and then another not until they are 18. I guess maybe when they are able to drive. If they are mature enough for that, then they should be mature enough to date and deal with everything that comes with it. One thing I know for sure, they will ONLY be allowed to date people in their own age group. Dating older men/women is trouble. BTDT and will NEVER allow my children to do the same.

I forgot to mention that I think group "dating" is a little different and I'd allow that at a younger age.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

We are planning to let our dds date by the time they are 35 or so. :LOL


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

I think dating should be something you work your way into. In 7th grade I was "dating" a boy. All that entaled was me sitting next to him on the bus. Middle schoolers define dating a lot different than parents would. For me I started off in middle school going to chaperoned school dances with a group of girls and maybe after wards we would sit outside the school and chit chat until our parents picked us up. Then maybe like 8th and 9th grade go with a group of mixed friends to a movie or bowling. Also encourage your child to bring friends over, male or female. This will let you see how they interact and give you some insight. For me it would have been a shock to go on an official date alone when I was 18 then say when I was 16 or 17 and had already done group activities with the boy and a group of friends. Its a lot easier with a group incase something with the boy doesn't go exactly as planned, this way there are other people to socialize with.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Dating is a term that can mean a few different things IMO. In the younger years I think "dating" often means things like Starr mentioned above, sitting near someone on the bus or at school & eating lunch together. In older teen years it can mean the actual act of going on a date (going somewhere together...movies, dinner, bowling, party), and it can refer to a relationship with someone. Like "We've been dating for a year now." etc

I don't think there is a set in stone age. Maturity comes at different times for different kids. My kids have said that going out with a group would be a first step for them likely, whenever that comes around. My son is about 14, and though he is interested in girls, he hasn't dated anyone yet. For us it's a pretty flexible "wait and see what develops" kind of thing. We do discuss dating, and relationships often right now though...just because at their ages it looks more and more relevant.


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## binxsmom (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EFmom*
We are planning to let our dds date by the time they are 35 or so. :LOL









:


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## LoveChild421 (Sep 10, 2004)

I think I'll drop my son and a little girlfriend (or boyfriend, I don't mean to assume) off at the movies or something like that around 13-14 depending on how mature he is. My mom did this with me but chaperoned...I don't feel the need to chaperone at a public place- it's not like they'll be having sex while watching Star Wars :LOL

As far as real "dating"- staying out til midnight, going where he wants- well as soon as he can drive (16) he can do that...


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

:


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## enkmom (Aug 30, 2004)

My daughter started group dating at 14. A group of about 15 kids would go to movies or hang out at the mall, but one special boy was her boyfriend. As time went on, she was allowed to date this boy one on one - they would go to movies or spend the evening at our house or his. This relationship lasted 8 months. She is now 16, and can go out on car dates as she likes. My son is 15, and has not wanted to date anyone yet.

Our only hard and fast dating rule is that we must meet anyone either of our children chooses to date.


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## party_of_seven (May 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coffee Mom*
Where there's a will there's a way, so open communication, trust, and building self esteem as children grow up will hopefully enable them to make responsible decisions when the hormone stages kick in. The key is not what age to allow them to date, the key is to have a strong bond with them so that you can help them make good decisions as they mature. BTW, both my daughters started dating around 14.

ITA! I saw this so much in my own life. I always had a boyfriend. I needed the male attention and approval that I lacked at home. I was by no means sleeping around, but I always had that boy that I sat by on the bus and held hands with between classes.

I think that a strong bond between parent and child is critical. If the bond is strong then they will trust you as you try to guide them through the pitfalls of adolescence.

I want my kids to "date" for the right reasons....not to replace the love that they are missing out on at home.

We already have "dates" with mom and dad for the kids. Dh or I will take the kids out one on one and have fun with them and give them personal attention and let them know how much we love them.









My kids are still to young to "date", but I'm praying that they don't feel the desire or need to date until late into their teenage years.







:


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## tiredmum (Mar 18, 2005)

My DD at 13 has had a few boyfriends here and there, and it has never amounted to much more than a little hand hold, a slow dance or two at school dances, and the most recent boyfriend a few months ago was a hug here and there. And I don't think many of them have lasted more than 2 weeks.

I'm not to worried about her, we keep the lines of communication open, and I'm just waiting to see how it will play out. She is going into high school next year and she needs the space to learn to become a woman as well. If I have done my job thus far right, then I have taught her well, and she will know to be responsible!!! Not that I will permit her to check into the closest motel with the first boy she meets in high school







(I do have some bounderies) lol but I think it is good for her to take the love she has grown up learning from us, and spread it wisely in the world


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## MomBirthmomStepmom (May 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveChild421*
I think I'll drop my son and a little girlfriend (or boyfriend, I don't mean to assume) off at the movies or something like that around 13-14 depending on how mature he is. My mom did this with me but chaperoned...I don't feel the need to chaperone at a public place- it's not like they'll be having sex while watching Star Wars :LOL


My family did this with me as well, but I'll tell you something. At 15-16, I was 'dating' this guy, (I say 'dating', but looking back we had nothing in commen but sex







: ), and his father or my uncle would drop us off at the movie, and would come pick us up when it was over. However, we got the 'smart' idea to leave the theatre pretty early into the movie, and well, go behind the theatre and have sex behind some trees...lol

Yes, yes, an embarrassing piece of infromation there, but another pieve of evidence that 'where there's a will, there's a way'....

I don't know what I'll do with my kids. I intend to play it by ear. I really do think it's kinda silly to say 'I'll do this at this age, and that at that age', it's kinda like a cookie-cutter 'rule' for children who aren't shaped the same way... If that makes any sense..

I really just intend to allow my children to do what feels comfortable, when it feels comfortable. Depending on their personalities, their maturity, as well at the people they wish to date...


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Growing up I was told 16. It never came up. My first bf was after I went to college and I met him just after I turned 18. He's sitting behind me now, nearly 7 years later :LOL

Judging by the younger teens I've seen dating, 16 is a reasonable age for "real" dating, e.g. couple going to the movies.


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## mizraim (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
Growing up I was told 16. It never came up. My first bf was after I went to college and I met him just after I turned 18. He's sitting behind me now, nearly 7 years later :LOL

its good to hear that.







:LOL


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## amj'smommy (Feb 24, 2005)

Well if daddy has his way dd won't be dating until she's married :LOL :LOL Honestly though I consider "dating" to be more one on one then group activities. I don't think I'll have a problem with her getting together with a group of friends (boyfriends/girlfriends) when she's around 14-15, but I don't really consider that "dating". So most likely when she has her drivers license or her boyfriend does (and no I won't be letting my dd go on alone dates with a 16 yr old if she is only 14, but I guess that's a different subject all together) And the same will go for my boys(no double standards around here







) I don't really think alone dating is healthy(or necessary for that matter) for younger teenagers(meaning 13-15 yr olds) but group activities are good for them to sort of test the waters and start to figure out the whole thing.


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## umbrella (Jul 25, 2002)

I don't think I'd like my daughter to go on a one-on-one CAR date, until she can do so _in her own car_.

I think SHE being the one driving, and it being _her_ car, will help her to have more confidence, and not feel dependant on the date. She doesn't like what's happening? She can kick him out. She wants to go home? She can just go home.


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## umbrella (Jul 25, 2002)

Quote:

but another pieve of evidence that 'where there's a will, there's a way'...
Preventing sexual activity isn't nearly as important, imo, as keeping them Safe.

You're right; where there's a will, there's a way. If the kids want to have sex, they're going to have sex.

I'm not going to make decisions based on stopping sex.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I gues we have a whole different philosphy pon dating. Our family doesn't believe in casual dating for dating purposes. So as a general rule we don't allow dating. h owever I see nothign wrong with having friends who are boys and we have worked hard (and so far sucedded) in fighting that you can only be friends with boys if they are boyfriends. So right now boys are nothing special and I don't se her desiring time alone with them for no particular reason any time soon.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Whenever they are ready. They will decide.

Many good points have been brought up here, the big one for me is *open communication*

Also, as many said - whether you *let* something or *don't let* something is of little importance.

If a teen or even pre-teen feels "in love" they are going to feel it whether we parents like it or not.

If they are afraid to openly talk about their feelings with us, they may:

bottle up their emotions and never dare to do anything they feel we as parents will not approve of (even if it's jsut holding hands)

OR

being not sure how to handle their emotions, swing too far and do something *they* will regret later

OR

the above PLUS hide the fellings and the deeds from the parents

OR

the above PLUS feel guilty for doing all of the above yet not able to figure out what to do about it

I would love for my kids to openly discuss those and would offer my advice, based on solid explanation. However I will not be letting or not letting them date.

Having said all that I actually would like for my son to start dating (he is going to be 18 next month).

He is a handsome young man, very smart, gentle and responsible. He is just "looking for the right one" (his words) Any takers? :LOL

For my daughter the talking and communication part will be just of as much importance. I will relate my personal story to her as soon as she is of age to understand it (posting it will make my already long post even longer)


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

I met and started "dating" Rory (my dh) at age 13...ten years ago.







I guess we started going on group type dates at that point and weren't allowed alone together in a room until we were about 17ish...but we went on family trips together and had to sleep in seperate rooms before that. we went out alone together when we could drive.

the answer to the question? i have no freaking clue!







It will be really dependant on Parker's maturity and the maturity of her boy/girlfriend.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

NEVER! seriously, its not as much in our control anymore i dont think. my son doesnt go on "dates" (where i go pick up his girlfriend and they go to a movie) but a bunch of kids go to the movies, etc. and the gf's are there. thats the way it works right now and i cant really stop anyone else going to the movies when my ds is there. as for when i will allow him to "go out" to a movie, etc., i guess i am waiting to see when he asks me. of course, b/c he is so embarassed by me (thats my pregnant mom...OMG....and my little brother...dont they look sooo dorky!!!), i dont see it happening soon. of course he is usually nicer than that when he wants something from me.








Rach


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax*
he is so embarassed by me (thats my pregnant mom...OMG....and my little brother...dont they look sooo dorky!!!

:LOL :LOL :LOL

13 -14, right? (I guess I could have looked it up in your siggy)

BTDT - he will "grow out of it" too


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

I hope not to have age based rules. My parents were big fans pf aged baded rules. I thin 15 or 16 was the dating rule, but I started "dating" at 14 when I'd meet a boy at a dance or go with him on a group date to a dance (my parents just thought I was goingt with friends). Their rules encouraged deception.

I had my first steady boyfriend at 15 (sophmore year). We dated throughout the rest of HS, and it was a really good experience for us both. I think girlfriends are especially important for teenage boys who often don't form "talk about your feelings" relastionships with other boys. A girlfriend (and, I suppose, a close girl friend) can thus be vital to negotiating the minefield of teenage emotions.

If you have a daughter, the best thing, IMO, is to encourage her to date boys her same age or younger. In my memory, girls mature faster and thus if they date in their age group, they will have a degree of control over the relationship. All my friends who dated within a year of their age controlled the relationships with their boyfriends (and thus sex happened on their timetable)


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

(sorry havent read all the replies yet)

I think a LOT about this because I have a 13 year old and dont want her dating yet. But I am having a LOT of trouble drawing the line.
Even defining what is and is not a date is difficult for adults, let alone when adults try to define it for kids.
For example, my daughter has a male friend she has been friends with since 4th grade. THey have been going on group activities together since then. If she wants to go to the movies or roller skating and this is the only friend availible to I have to say "no" because it it is a boy and not a girl?
I cant make myself do that.
If she is going to the movies with a group of friends do I not let her go if there will be a boy there she likes?
I WANT to not allow her to date. But I really can't see how I can reasonably expect to do so without seriously trampling on her rights and freedoms. HOw is a teenager going to react with having freedoms that they have had since childhood taken away just because of the gender of their friends?
This is what my rules are but it really doesnt prevent her dating if she wants too.
No being alone in a private place with boys. (no going to their house, no having boys in her bedroom) But again, she cant be at any friends house without a parent without permission. so this isnt really about dating.
No being driven on dates by boys. So she can meet friends at the mall for a movie. But she cannot be picked up by a boy who can drive to be taken to that same movie. But then again I have had to make this rule general like "no taking rides from drivers under 18"
Oooh I hate this.
of course DH says she cant date till she is 30.

Joline


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

It really depends upon the maturity of the child. I would personally encourage group dates that emphasize freindships and fun rather than the intamate closeness that comes from solo dating. Most young teens really are not prepared for serious relationshsips and should focus more on meeting lots of different people and personalities and just have fun.


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## snoopy5386 (May 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boongirl*
I would let my daughter start dating whenever she showed an interest in it but I would discuss with her about what dating means and she and I would come up with activities for the dates that are appropriate for her age. For example, if she was 10, then kids go on "dates" at that age meaning they meet up as a group at the public pool with their moms hanging out together off to the side. At age 12, maybe they sit together at school lunch. *At age 14, maybe they meet up for a PG movie while mom and dad shop. By age 16, maybe they go to a dance together and dad picks them up afterward.* Possibly age 17, able to drive on a date with her boyfriend. It all dependso on the boy, the activity, the maturity and responsibility. The key is having a good relationship and being open and honest. My parents tried to put strict limits on me for my own safety and I found ways to sneak around behind their back. I was too afraid of pregnancy to be promiscuous but I was practically an alcoholic by age 18. I never want my child to have to go through that. I will never make arbirtrary rules for her. We will always work on that together, as a team. (with dh of course )


I saw this and I just laughed out loud. You see, I teach 8th grade (aka 14 year olds) and they would just about die if they had to go see a PG movie. You should hear all the movies they think we should watch in the classroom for rewards and things. For the most part the kids I teach are not interested in dating/sex, but I would say at least 10-12 out of the 120 I teach are dating seriously/having sex, so that is what about 10%.

Also when thinking about your kids dating/having sex, think back to when you were a teen, when did you or your friends or your dh lose their virginity. For me it was 15.


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## pippet (Aug 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heldt123*
It really depends upon the maturity of the child. I would personally encourage group dates that emphasize freindships and fun rather than the intamate closeness that comes from solo dating. Most young teens really are not prepared for serious relationshsips and should focus more on meeting lots of different people and personalities and just have fun.









:

It really does depend on the kid. Some teenagers would 'decide' that they are ready at 13 when clearly they are not... I think if left to the teenager entirely they would all likely start dating earlier than the parent feels they are ready for. I've always thought 16 was an appropriate age for kids to go on dates myself.

I'm with some pp's who would prefer casual dating not be the focus. I would love it if my kids chose to wait until they are older to date and have sex (like over 16 for the former and after marriage for the latter) - but it really will depend on the kind of people they become, what strength and confidence they possess and their maturity level at the time. There's never harm in waiting, but often hurt or harm in doing everything too young. I hope they don't feel like they have to try everything out in high school - I want them to have their whole married lives to explore the majority of their sexual expressiveness.


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## Jerusha (Jul 10, 2005)

I am the mother of four children ages 23-16. The question of when to date for me is settled in a study done by Terry Olsen and Brent ****** at Utah State University and BYU. The study revealed that the earlier youth begin to date (unchaperoned activities with opposite sex) the more likely they are to be sexually active by age 18. It breaks down like this: dating at age 12-91% are sexually active by 18, age 13-56%, age 14-53%, 15-40%, 16-20%.

This may not be important to everyone, but it is to me and my husband and we have taught them that sex belongs in marriage. In an effort to help them reach adulthood without being sexually active before they are married, they did not date until they were 16. It has helped them to set bounderies and goals and made it easier to equate sex with marriage, and so far it is working. One is married, and waited. The others are waiting.


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## oscarsmamma (Apr 26, 2005)

I think that it depends on your own child and how they react to situations. Every child is different. Mine is only 15 months old, so I do not have very much experience but from what I do know you can only tell with time. Personally I would not wait untill 18, think of yourself in that situation. Just talk to them and be up frount.







Honesty!!! Thats the only advise I have. My Mom set out books for us....helpful?.. yes! but talking wouls have been better! http://www.mothering.com/discussions...e=1&p=3347104#


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## mother goose (Jul 19, 2004)

That's an easy question to answer. NEVER!!! Or 40.


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## huggerwocky (Jun 21, 2004)

Never, I hope she won't date at all.I don't like the whole concept of dating, it is very foreign to me.


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## Kleine Hexe (Dec 2, 2001)

My boys are not going to date. When I think they are ready I will find and pick their wives for them.


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## Bufomander (Feb 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka*
I gues we have a whole different philosphy pon dating. Our family doesn't believe in casual dating for dating purposes. So as a general rule we don't allow dating. h owever I see nothign wrong with having friends who are boys and we have worked hard (and so far sucedded) in fighting that you can only be friends with boys if they are boyfriends. So right now boys are nothing special and I don't se her desiring time alone with them for no particular reason any time soon.


even as a teenager, i didn't like the "i'm just "dating" to have fun" philosophy. i like the idea of having friends friends of both genders.


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## Bufomander (Feb 6, 2005)

my daughter is 16 months old. my husband and i have very different backgrounds with sex and dating. i'd like my dd to have a really relaxed attitude about the opposite sex and i'd love for her to have close male friends. not sure at this point if we will set an age thing or just treat things on a case by case manner...


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## Charles Baudelaire (Apr 14, 2003)

Forty!!!


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## MrsMoe (May 17, 2005)

Depends on her maturity level and who she wants to date I think.


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## Krystal323 (May 14, 2004)

Obviously I don't have firsthand experience w/this as my kids are still young, but just wanted to mention that sometimes it'll do more harm than good to outright forbid kids from doing what they want to do.
My parents waited until I was 14 and already (unbeknownst to them) interested in boys to inform me that I wasn't "allowed" to date until 16. Well, I just did whatever I wanted behind their backs, and I felt like they didn't care about my feelings at all and didn't trust me past the tip of my nose. We fought all the time and I never confided in them about anything. That kind of situation is definitely something to avoid








Just something to think on.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

When she gets her driver's license.....unless she want's ME to drive her


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## myjulybabes (Jun 24, 2003)

It will all depend on maturity of the individual child and all, but I'm thinking 13ish for group dates and school dances, 15-16ish for solo dates just as a general guideline.

I suspect no matter what age we decide it's ok, dh will be sitting on the front porch with a baseball bat if dd is out 1 min past curfew. LOL


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## Mia Ferrer (Jul 29, 2005)

I think that as long as a girl feels confidant in herself and strong and smart enough to know what is right, she will not do anything that you would be ashamed of. Young girls who dont have healthy self-esteem, or feel the need to "fit in" or are just looking for validation from a male figure have a tendancy to try to find that kind of acceptance from boys in sexual ways.... I didnt have a trusting, and understanding relationship with my father, so when i was about 13, I experimented with sexuality and came up empty every time... Luckally i eventually knew better, but i attribute my mistakes to possibly not having a strong communication with my parents, and a need to validation. If you teach your daughter to love and respect herself, and you give her love and respect and explain to her that she is perfect with out having a boy-friend or a date. She will definatly get the message!!


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## momma thug (Aug 5, 2005)

http://associatedcontent.com/content...t_type_id=6309

here is an article you should read before you all your teen to date! its about being sexually active. and its scary today how young these kids are when they first have sex!


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Ok, I want to clarify the question now - are we talking "dating" or are we talking "having sex"?

Though from my point of view it would not matter - they will *still* do it when they want and not when we "allow" them. (All right - *my* kids will, if they take after their mama that is :LOL )


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## spin462002 (May 7, 2005)

I have three daughters and a son and do not allow "dating". My son is married with two children, so obviously this has not disadvantaged him at all!!

Have a look at these 10 "rules" for women/girls which are from a book called "The Rules" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and published by Warner Books.

http://www.therulesbook.com/topten.html

This is a controversial little paper back with some life changing ideas that can give your daughters a firm foundation in self respect and personal boundaries they can live by.

I followed "The Rules" myself four years ago when I met my second husband, and we have been happily married for three years now. It was a great way to show my daughters how following some basic rules for living can lead to a healthy relationship and happiness.

I challenge you to read it yourself and give it to your daughters. It might be too late for you to adopt these principles, but just in time for your daughters!

Look around you and see the results of early dating and multiple partners. I was one of them, and it's never too late to choose a different way.

love to all
Lynn

"no longer afraid to be different, I love the results!!"

homebirth after 3 c-sections, extended breastfeeding, extended co-sleeping, home schooling for over 20 years, happily remarried to a man 26 years older than me, loving grandmother of two so far..........in my prime at 49! Life is good!


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## Bufomander (Feb 6, 2005)

I have to say that "the Rules" really creep me out. it's one thing to have self respect and take good care of yourself, it's another thing for the point to be finding your "mr. right". i don't know...


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Yep, me too. "Rules" weird me out. it's like telling you how to "sell yourself" better







:

In my case case I just fell in love, snuck out from my parents, got pregnant early and am madly in love with the guy who was a reason for it all 20 years and 2 kids later


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## CaraboosMama (Mar 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krystal323*
My parents waited until I was 14 and already (unbeknownst to them) interested in boys to inform me that I wasn't "allowed" to date until 16. Well, I just did whatever I wanted behind their backs, and I felt like they didn't care about my feelings at all and didn't trust me past the tip of my nose. We fought all the time and I never confided in them about anything. That kind of situation is definitely something to avoid








Just something to think on.


ITA. My dd is you too (16 mths) but my parents would not let me go out anywhere on "dates" until I was 16 - but I was allowed to spend time at our house or my boyfriend's house. At my bf's house we were not supervised at all & I became sexually involved at a much younger age than I wish I had. I think if we had been able to go OUT and go places with groups of friends, etc. there would have been much less fooling around time. It's just speculation - but I know the lack of trust my parents had in me (not that I think rules incdicate lack of trust - but they did NOT trust me) was damaging to our relationship.

AS far as what my DH and I plan for our daughter (which is subject to change as she gets older & her personality emerges more) is to encourage her to do things w/ groups, encourage lots of extracurriculars, encourage get togethers at our house or the houses of families we know well - but not to forbid dating.


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## CaraboosMama (Mar 31, 2005)

spin462002 said:


> I challenge you to read it yourself and give it to your daughters. It might be too late for you to adopt these principles, but just in time for your daughters!
> 
> Look around you and see the results of early dating and multiple partners. I was one of them, and it's never too late to choose a different way.
> 
> ...


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## spin462002 (May 7, 2005)

Hi Kate, my daughters are 22 and 20 and have read and enjoyed The Rules. They have been brought up to think for themselves, make healthy choices, and not "date".
They do not think they are nothing without a man, nor are they actively looking for a partner. What they have is a healthy happy life with jobs and friends and a loving family.

Sadly, I guess you haven't read the book or you wouldn't have made some of your comments. The book does not advocate living to find a partner, rather having a full life and many friends and having healthy personal boundaries so you can make the right choice if and when the time comes. Aren't they the things you value too?

You are correct about Ellen Fein having divorced since this book was first published in 1995. Why are you commenting about that anyway? Do you think it detracts from the principles being advocated in the book? Sherrie Schneider (the co-author) is still married, does that make any difference?

I believed marriage was forever and I made a lifetime commitment thirty years ago.
Twenty two years later my husband left me for another man's wife. I had four children including a five week old baby. If I had written a book about marriage during those years, would you have condemned me too?

I am not afraid to be different, I like the results!

Lynn


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## CaraboosMama (Mar 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spin462002*
Sadly, I guess you haven't read the book or you wouldn't have made some of your comments. The book does not advocate living to find a partner, rather having a full life and many friends and having healthy personal boundaries so you can make the right choice if and when the time comes. Aren't they the things you value too?

You are correct about Ellen Fein having divorced since this book was first published in 1995. Why are you commenting about that anyway? Do you think it detracts from the principles being advocated in the book? Sherrie Schneider (the co-author) is still married, does that make any difference?

I believed marriage was forever and I made a lifetime commitment thirty years ago.
Twenty two years later my husband left me for another man's wife. I had four children including a five week old baby. If I had written a book about marriage during those years, would you have condemned me too?

I am not afraid to be different, I like the results!

Lynn

Lynn,
I did read "The Rules" when I was in college & found the principles to be very demeaning to women. I am glad you & your daughters are happy with the choices you are making.
As you mentioned - I do value having a full life, many friends, and personal boundaries. I do not feel that I would be comfortable advocating the type of boundaries the book suggests. I would prefer my daughter follow her heart & speak her mind - not make choices about what to say & do based on a book.

But - I will add this - You & I are different ages, in different cultures, and have different situations. I cannot say how I would feel about this if I were in your shoes. And of course, I do not condemn ANYONE for having gone through a divorce anymore than I would condemn anyone for any type of loss. It is a painful loss that I would not wish on anyone.

I mentioned Ellen Fein's divorce because "The Rules" is often marketed as a "catch and keep your mate" handbook. I would have the same skepticism of a hgihly acclaimed parenting book by someone who had a horrible relationship/was estranged from their own children.

I guess we've gotten a little ways OT from the original post...









Have a great week!


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Rule number 4: On all nonbusiness e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, you never know who has access to your e-mail, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.

All I can say is if I e-mailed someone 3 times withoug getting a response, there wouldn't be a fourth to respond to.


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## pippet (Aug 14, 2004)

I just clicked on the link about the rules as the things I had heard about it always rubbed me the wrong way so I wanted to read the rules for myself. I can say that I don't like the language or tone of the rules - they seem condescending to me - HOWEVER - the principles behind them I'm surprised to say I totally agree with! If she had just learned how to write them out without making it sound like she's mentoring idiot women maybe more people would embrace the concepts. Taking care of yourself, not playing games but maintaining your independence, dignity, becoming a woman of grace and class, not making excuses for men, not settling for less than you deserve, not hanging out at home all the time (we all have to force ourselves out occasionally and it should have nothing to do with finding a man, but everything to do with maintaining an adequate social life and friends in general), expanding your horizons, not mixing business and personal time. There is definitely some good advice in there about weeding out commitment phobes and men just trying to get in your pants and not willing to put forth the effort for a true relationship. I just hate the tone - and think that most people would be so ticked off by that that they wouldn't be able to separate tone and content and discard anything valid about the book.

I would love it if my kids were in their 20s and just living their lives in absence of the desperation dating that so many do. All any parent wants is for their kids to avoid the hurts and find someone that loves and values them to spend their life with. And it just seems an easier road if it isn't marred with a ton of premature sexual activity.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy*
Rule number 4: On all nonbusiness e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, you never know who has access to your e-mail, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.

All I can say is if I e-mailed someone 3 times withoug getting a response, there wouldn't be a fourth to respond to.

Oh you bet. I am there with you.


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## Songbird (Sep 1, 2005)

I think 14 for group dates where they are going out to a movie with friends, or bowling, etc. They will be more than welcome to bring their girlfriend/boyfriend home to hang out too, as long as my husband and/or I are home. For one-on-one dates, 16.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16... and by date, it was defined as being picked up by your boyfriend and going somewhere. I did have "boyfriends" when I was 13/14 that came over to hang out.


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## scrappingmom (Sep 3, 2005)

This is a very interesting topic for sure








many are saying, depends on maturity and circumstances, which is pretty much what dh and i have said as well. we come from quite oppsoite spectrums .. he started dating/having sex at 13, his parents both smoked pot with him, drank with him, used other drugs with him too for that matter... I on the otherhand really never officially dated, as in couple going somewhere together without others with us or picking them up in a minute and meeting a bigger group, i've never used any drug, and still havent been drunk, had a few drinks here and their though.

Alot of my dating experiances were literally right at my home, the one my parents liked the best, and relationship wise i did too(he and I are still very good friends BTW) We would go to church together, he'd come over for the day, we'd generally spend the day laying on my waterbed, with my beanbag chair in the middle so we could each prop up on it, on opposite sides, and read for most of the afternoon and talk, listen to music etc. We'd also ride our bikes together, hike thru the woods, stuff like that.

my oldest 2 are just coming into range so i dont have direct experiance, but we'll likley do similar to my parents, talk to them, be open, and most of all... find out your kids definition of dating!!! what THEY think they want to do and/or should be able to do. many of us might just be suprised how little they are asking when they ask, "can me and billy go on a date"

or you can go for my brothers father in laws way, great where we going? ... lol When my brother asked his blessing to marry his daughter his response was, well sure you can! we love you like a son as it is! So where are we going for the honeymoon? bro n his wife "dated" almost 6yrs before getting married, always group stuff with a couple exceptions.


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## Bufomander (Feb 6, 2005)

scrappingmom, I loved reading about your positive "dating experiences". It would make me so happy and proud if my daughter has relationships like that as a teenager.

Great advice about finding out what your child's definition of dating even is before you say no (or yes)

thanks for sharing!

(i was going to say more, but i hear fiona waking)


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## AnnaLC (Sep 23, 2005)

My mother never set rules with me, however some of my friend's parents did, and it didn't work. It's just like telling someone "you can not have sex." or "you can not have alcohol" or even "no cookies for you!" if they really want to they will find a way...and it will be behind your back.
My mom never set any concrete rules with me, just trusted me. I made a few decisions that might not have been the best, but in the end nothing harmful, or even that worrysome. It depends on the kid, some need more boundaries than others, but for the most part it's better to have an open and trusting relationship, they will keep you in the know.


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## fire_lady (Aug 24, 2005)

I think I will allow them to have group date at 16.


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## tweetyznan (Aug 10, 2005)

I think 16 yrs old is a good group date age too !


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## GranolaBar (Jan 7, 2006)

I'm not going to have an age where my DS will be allowed to date. I'll let him start dating whenever he wants to, but I'll just remind him that relationships at such a young age aren't that serious and it probablty won't be the person he'll be with forever. I think relationships are a good way to learn things and grow strong emotionally.

Of course DS is only 3 as of now.. so I hope he won't be getting that interested in girls for a loooooooooooong time.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

For both my dd and ds 16 will be the earliest for both dating and for going anywere without me, dh or anouther adult. Possibly even older than that if either of them show poor judgment or lake of maturity. I see way to many 10-15 yo out at the movies or running around in groups unsupervised. This is how so many get into trouble and it will not be a practice that my kids will be involved in.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

if you tell them you cant date till "x" age then they will find a way to see who ever it is they want to be dating. At a friends house, at the mall, or even school. You cannot control their hearts or minds at this point. All you can do is give them guidance, advice and a shoulder to cry on when their heart gets broken. And trust me it will happen more the once.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Is never an option?

Ok- if she must, which I am sure she will, she can date and go out with whomever in groups until she is 17. Then once 17 I guess she would have a curfew and a cell phone and I know where she is all times, who else is there, etc...


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

Both of my dc (16yog and 14yob) are "allowed" to date. I remember saying that Miss Girl wouldn't be allowed until she was 30, but here's what really happened.

My dd has absolutely no interest. Her life is busy and full and I believe her when she tells me that she is a virgin because I don't see where she could find the time to sneak around behind my back or why she would want to.

My ds has been interested in the opposite sex since he was 12 and has had 3-4 "girlfriends" who he got together with at adult supervised group activities. I did not meet any of these young ladies, but he and I discussed the possibility of getting together one on one with them and what "dating" would look like. He felt that the girl would be more comfortable if an adult were present, preferably one of her parents, but I would do in a pinch, and that he would want to pay for her movie ticket, dinner, etc.

When the young male person was born, I had a terrible fear of being "the mother-in-law from hell" because I couldn't imagine anyone good enough to deserve him; I was afraid I'd find fault with any girl he chose, whether he chose her for a lifetime partner and mother of his children or to dance with him to a single song.

As the time draws closer, I've become ready, just as I was ready for birth when it happened even though I couldn't stand to think about it when I was six months pregnant and as weaning was such a non-event after I dreaded it while I had two nurslings. He has excellent taste in male friends and I enjoy their company, so I look forward to the day when a young woman friend will enrich my son's life and hopefully become an important part of my own.


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## bricorssk (Dec 11, 2005)

I'm not sure when I will let my DDs date but it will be when they show they are totally respondsible and mature. I will not do the car date at 16 (I don't think I will have to worry about that anyway since most states have a law now where you cannot drive other teenagers around for a certain period after you get your license) and they will have to be older than 13 or 14 for movie dates alone. I was not the best teen, and things can happen at a movie! Yikes, scares me to think of this. LOL


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

Depends on child and maturity. I would encourage group dates and offer my children to have friends over at our house for fun activities.


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## Lizzo (Jul 26, 2005)

I personally don't mind when DS and future DCs begin dating.
I had my first "boyfriend" in fifth grade. My parents were open with me and we talked about him. It was puppy love, but to me at the time it felt like real true love and my parents respected that. It was nice.
I think that kids are going to date and have relationships when they want and restrictions on when and who will really only make them be sneaky. I only belive this from my experience with friends who were told "No dating until blank age"
I just want DS/futures DCs to feel comfortable talking to me and deciding for themselves when they are in a good place to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
I feel it's just not my place to make the desision (spelling errors due toNAK) for them.
I want us to be able to openly discuss sexulaity and their feelings about boys/girls, dating etc.


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## Shann (Dec 19, 2003)

My 12 y/o son is REALLY happy that our dating age is 13, cause he will turn 13 this year! Our other son is 10, so he has a while yet.
The 12 y/o is VERY much interested in girls right now, so he would date right now if we would let him. Our 10 y/o is still a little young, but so far, he seems more interested in boys (based on some comments he has made), which will be just fine with us if he wants to continue in that direction as he gets older. If he finds a boyfriend by age 13 and wants to date, that will be OK as well. We will support them both in whatever they want.


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