# My best friend is planning to "Ferberize" HELP



## mamacassafrass (Dec 31, 2009)

My best friend who lives across the country just informed me she's gonna do CIO. I am so sad, We both have infant girls: mine is 2 months, hers is about 6 months. I have listened to her go ON for HOURS about her baby's sleep schedule. I know more about her baby's sleep times than my own baby's. Well I dont really keep track and go with the flow.

When she told me I responded by asking, "do you really think you could listen to your baby cry for 15 min and not respond?" She answered that she wouldn' t really listen and many of her friends have tried it and it worked after a couple of days. I *started* to say something about sending the message to her babe that mommy wont be there but she quite rudely cut me off and refused to hear anything. I just said I had to go take care of my baby and ended the call.

I have quietly stood by and listened while she quit breastfeeding after 1.5 months for no good reason, gives benedryl, and obsesses over her daughter's schedule. She of course loves her baby and we have been friends for 20 years now. I would at least consider what a good friend has to say even if my mind is made up. I feel offended and shocked that she would take this subject lightly (or cold heartedly.) I feel so bad for her li one







What can I do?


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## Tway (Jul 1, 2010)

In all honesty, I don't think there is anything you can say. Just like some people don't "get" AP parenting and we hate hearing how we're spoiling/ruining/indulging our babies, people who think differently than us hate being told they're doing "wrong", too.

I totally understand how you feel; one of my good friends wouldn't breastfeed, keeps her baby in a bucket seat all day, formula feeds on a strict schedule, etc. I want to beat some sense into the woman! But she's entitled to being her own kind of mother, and I would never say anything to her about how she should change. I do find I'm a lot less close to her nowadays, though.

All you can really do is listen and offer advice if she asks for it. Other than that...


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## CI Mama (Apr 8, 2010)

You can't change your friend's parenting choices; you can only change how you respond to her.

It sounds like this is a longtime friendship and you don't want to cut it off. I recommend focusing on what you love about your friend & your friendship & letting go of the rest.


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## Katielady (Nov 3, 2006)

I went through this with a close friend. Honestly, there's nothing you can do except possibly keep some distance if it upsets you to hear about it. You may find that you can become closer again later as sleep becomes less of a hot topic when the kids are older. But in general, I've found that I continue to have little in common with parents who CIOed as babies, because it represents a rift in our core values as parents and as people. It's hard to find that out about someone who up til then had been an important part of your life.

One thing that helps is to try to focus on other things that you DO have in common, which may mean stuff outside of parenting. Books, movies, politics.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Since this is a very close friend, you could probably be more honest with her than an acquaintance, but I would probably say something along the lines of "I know you want your baby to start sleeping better. I don't agree with cry-it-out, but I can share some information about alternatives to CIO if you are interested."

And hopefully if she still plans on going ahead with the CIO, she'll get the message that you don't want to hear about it.


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## vrclay (Jun 12, 2007)

I experienced something similar. Here's the thread I started. Maybe something there will be helpful.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...893&highlight=

I have to admit, I don't feel as close with my friend any more. Sad, but true. I don't think it helps that I dislike her husbnad as well.


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

really, it's probably not going to be something you can change. Especially if you approach in a preachy way. My experience has been that setting an example can do way more then being preachy. I had a friend of mine that right up until the end of her pregnancy said that she wouldn't breastfeed (though would pump) and wouldn't cosleep. Now she's breastfeeding and part-time cosleeping her baby. I think a big part of the change in her thinking was some of the conversations we had about pros and cons. though I don't think it would have changed her mind any if I hadn't had a baby a year older then hers, personal experience can be a big factor in someone trusting your opinion.


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## Katielady (Nov 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bokonon* 
And hopefully if she still plans on going ahead with the CIO, she'll get the message that you don't want to hear about it.

Actually if you decide you want to preserve the friendship, I think being direct about not wanting to hear CIO stories is better than just indirectly trying to send the message. I did this when my friend, who knew I'm opposed to circumcision, kept trying to mention it in passing in a way that I knew was designed to normalize the topic for the two of us- like, "hey, here's what I think, here's what you think, let's accept and support each other's viewpoints" kind of thing. Which is nice in theory, but doesn't work for me and certain topics like circ. So the next time she did it (to tell me his circ was "healing nicely") I said, "That's not something I really want to hear about. This is something I feel very strongly about, and I think it's better if we just don't talk about it." She was taken aback but said OK and never brought it up again. (Until I helped change her next son's diaper as a newborn and got instructions on applying ointment to the wound.







)

It's really hard when your parenting values are misaligned. Having some things be off topic can be a saving grace for the friendship. It creates some distance- or more like it brings an existing distance out into the open, which can be painful for both of you- but it can also be for the best.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I have friends who used CIO. They love their kids. They show it differently to how i show it, but they do, they love their kids.

I know how hard it is when you see someone you care about do something you consider to be a massive mistake, but there's not a whole lot you can do about it. If it really bothers you you can say "look, i know you're doing what you feel is right, but i can't talk about it, let's talk about something else" and just avoid the topic until the kids are older and it's not longer a "thing".

I would never CIO with one of my babies, and i had a HN baby first time round who cried for up to 3 hours solid every evening no matter WHAT we did, i understand how the need for a break/getting the baby to sleep can feel. But then again my DH was left alone for 4 hour blocks from when he was 3 days old. He had severe colic and cried and cried alone in a pram in his garden and he is a loving, caring, wonderful man who has a good relationship with his folks. I can't pretend my choice is the only choice, even if i know, for ME, it's the best one, kwim?


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CI Mama* 
It sounds like this is a longtime friendship and you don't want to cut it off. I recommend focusing on what you love about your friend & your friendship & letting go of the rest.

Yep.


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## mamacassafrass (Dec 31, 2009)

Thank you for yor responses. This friend is someone who I have asked (but not legally yet) to be a godparent as my daughter doesn't have much family or people who would be able to care for her if something were to happen to me or my man. I'm seriously considering finding someone else.

I also wanted to add that I don't think its fair for my friend to bring up such a hot topic then expect me not to respond or to just agree!

thanks for the rreally good advice to help me calm down.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I'm with you in finding someone else to be godparent! Before I became a mom my friends were very different than they are now - nowadays I do find myself hanging out mostly with people whose parenting ideas are close to mine.

This has meant a bit of a restructure for us - but I think it's been worth it. I really think that when one spends a lot of time thinking about and researching parenting - as well as going on human instinct (which, lets face it, is DRAMATICALLY underused in all sorts of situations), hanging out with people who do things that one then thinks are well...questionable, doesn't make sense.

There are thing that are commonly done to babies and children in modern society that I frankly think are at the very least, emotionally abusive. Nowadays I can't sit and ignore them any more in a friend, simply because I want a friend. Because being a mom is the most important thing in my life, it makes no sense to me to communicate with a friend with whom I can't share that important part of my life! KWIM?

So I feel for you mama. I can see that you're saying and I'm right there with you. XxX


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

It's really hard to quietly listen while someone tells you all the things they're doing to/with their child that just seem so dreadfully _wrong_ to you. I've had to gently cool a years-long friendship with someone who chose a completely different parenting style. I just can't handle hearing her talk about how she uses CIO (and started making him CIO when he was barely two months old), circumcised because "he should look like his daddy", thinks breastfeeding is "gross", doesn't pick him up when he cries or calls out for her because she doesn't want to spoil him, and worst of all, slaps his little hand when he reaches for something he shouldn't have. He's only 18 months old!

I miss my friend, but I definitely don't miss the constant pain of hearing about the ways she treats her only child. Maybe someday we'll reconnect, but...I also feel that how we choose to treat our children, especially when they're so tiny and vulnerable and need us so much, says a lot about our inner character and values. It seems I don't know her nearly as well as I thought I did.









Anyway, I don't think you're overreacting at all, nor do I think that all styles of parenting are equally good, even if different. It's hard to be close to someone who is regularly doing something you find morally reprehensible, even if it's not necessarily polite to say so.


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## 2cutiekitties (Dec 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamacassafrass* 
I *started* to say something about sending the message to her babe that mommy wont be there but she quite rudely cut me off and refused to hear anything. I just said I had to go take care of my baby and ended the call.

I guess she isn't very comfortable with her decision...she sounds defensive. My feelings would be hurt that she cut me off.







And I agree, why bring this up if she doesnt want to hear anything? She doesnt need to *inform* you, so why bother?

CIO is a hot topic for me ( I can't even watch Mad About You because of the horrible CIO eppy. **shudder**), so I would be finding another Godparent and I probably would let the relationship slide a bit to avoid the whole sleepy time topics. However I wouldnt just outright ditch her, I would evaluate and analize it all to death then decide.

Good luck. It is way hard to find people IRL that have the same thinking patterns


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamacassafrass* 
I also wanted to add that I don't think its fair for my friend to bring up such a hot topic then expect me not to respond or to just agree!

Do you think she realises it's a hot topic? If she has other friends who do it and rave about it maybe she thinks it's just what some people do but no big deal either way KWIM

I have an aquaintance whose babe is a couple of months younger than mine. Her parenting style is basically the opposite to mine. She tells me about some of the things she does and, if she asks, I tell her how I parent J so she is aware that we do things quite differently. But she's never said anything to make me think that she thinks any of these things are controversial


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## odoole (Nov 19, 2009)

I think most people who strongly against CIO have had to experience this in one way or another.

At least your friend owns her CIO methods. What's even more frustrating is when your friend ostensibly is anti-CIO as well, but then locks their baby in the room and doesn't buy a baby monitor. Lo and behold, their children are sleeping "beautifully" by 4 months, they have absolutely no sleep issues, bedtime is a breeze "and we never CIO'ed." And of course you can't correct them because in doing so you really would be calling them a negligent, abusive parent by THEIR standards. Ugh. So frustrating.


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katelove* 
Do you think she realises it's a hot topic? If she has other friends who do it and rave about it maybe she thinks it's just what some people do but no big deal either way KWIM

I have an aquaintance whose babe is a couple of months younger than mine. Her parenting style is basically the opposite to mine. She tells me about some of the things she does and, if she asks, I tell her how I parent J so she is aware that we do things quite differently. But she's never said anything to make me think that she thinks any of these things are controversial









This is so true. Weird as it it, CIO and "detachment" seem to be the norm, as non-controversial as disposable diapers and pre-packaged baby food. The Gerber baby was probably CIO'd. I didn't understand this for a while and couldn't figure out why other people were having such an "easy" time with their baby, housework, etc. while I was devoting all my energy to my LO. At some point I started catching on that other parents were using these weird "standard practices" to create these easy babies. Maybe your friend just sees this as normal.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

I have started telling people when they begin the CIO speech, "oh, don't tell me, don't tell me! I can't stand to hear it.......it just breaks my heart when little ones cry like that! I never could do it with my ds. I figure, why have kids if not to cuddle and love on them before they grow up." They usually get the message.


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