# I wanted to be a pumpkin...



## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

but my big round belly is gone







I miss Carrie so much. I miss being pregnant and feeling her kicks and knowing all was right in my world. It is hard for me to come to terms with this sometimes because I was planning on being pregnant for awhile still. I was planning on dressing up for Halloween as a pumpkin...now I am hoping I can get out of my jammies and enjoy taking our other 2 girls trick-or-treating. Anyone else having a crappy day?


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

Sorry you are feeling so sad today. I do understand because I miss Griffin so much too. I was planning on trick or treating with him in the sling wearing cute little Halloween socks. Sometimes it just seems so unfair and I get angry. Hope you can muster some strength to take your other girls out. I am going to my mom's with my sister and brother and their kids so I have some company. Then my mom will feed us dinner, but I am so sad because their will be one granchild missing.








to you today.

Peace and love,

patti


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i think you are feeling what is at the heart of losing a child... the every day, living-through the state of being without our children. so many mornings since coral died, i have had little internal dialogs... 'i should be wrestling with her sling', 'i would've been really tired today if i had coral on top of all this', 'i would have been taking the baby around in a little costume...' there are so many of these instances when i am reminded of life without her, sometimes i just can't take it and i have to just shut it all out... i don't look at babies, i see mom's with their little ones and just ignore them, i actually feel kind of cold toward it all, because it hurts too much to feel it all the time.

i know it must be so hard to be without her inside you.







i think of this year period after coral's death as a kind of sacred time somehow, it is still her season...not enough time has passed to make a physical sense of her go away yet... do you know what i mean?

today i saw a group of women who home-school at the cemetary. i think they were on a halloween field trip!! it was wierd, because i usually sit at coral's grave for a little while, and i wondered if they saw the cemetary as a different kind of place then, rather than the 'spooky' halloween place, but also as a real-life, active grieving place where real people like me have their loved one's buried...


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## mzfern (Nov 16, 2004)

Love and blessings to you.







Carrie


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Thanks, everyone. We made it through. The kids had fun and I was ok. I cried some and my friend cried with me towards the end but I am glad that I went. What you are saying is so true, coralsmom; I want to remember Carrie always and think of her continually no matter what I am doing but sometimes it hurts too much. Patti, I hope you did ok tonight too. I feel the same way -- someone is missing. Well, at least that's one holiday that I don't have to go through for another year and I have some Snickers bars to console me.







s Mamas.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dziejen*
Well, at least that's one holiday that I don't have to go through for another year and I have some Snickers bars to console me.







s Mamas.

That's how I am looking at the next few months - how many holidays left to go through. We also have birthdays that bring the family together, which include my two sisters and their new babies that are very close to Grace's age. It just adds to the "what could have been's".


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I'm so sad for you, mama.














s These holidays are so hard. I'm so not looking forward to the next few.







Just know that we're all here for you and chances are, we're all feeling the same way.

Gentle (((hugs))).


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I am so sorry... it is so hard missing our little ones.

I wanted to add that I also had a hard time last night. We had planned on going out with my two yr. old and with Grant. Grant was going to wear his brothers first halloween outfit. We had pictured it in our head so it was very, very hard. I too was planning on having my Grant suggled up in the sling with his bumble bee costume. I can almost picture him in it. I missed him so very much. Also my mom passed away seven yrs ago on Halloween and it was a cloudy rainy day so it all together made it really hard on me. Our friends invited us, well more like forced us to come to their house for dinner and to trick or treat with our DS#1 and we did ... it was good. It would have been too hard to be on our own.

I guess this is a little taste for the rest of the holidays ahead. Oh my gosh how on earth am I going to get through them.

I know I will buy a special candle and light it ... but I am honestly considering not going / getting together with family because I cant take pretending that we are happy if you know what I mean.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

barcino,
i already explained to my rather large family that there is just no way my dp and i are going to be able to get in the festive holiday mood, probably for a while into the near future... i mean, they aren't feeling that happy either, they all miss coral so much too, but for the two of us, we don't want to travel so we can go to the cemetary on christmas. so then they suggested them _all_ coming to where we live...







i think no matter how hard i'm going to try to make the upcoming holidays easy for us, i'll have to be prepared for them to be just plain hard, no way around it.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

My in laws live fifteen minutes away and my sister in law and bil live around 40 min away. I wish we had to travel to get together but we dont... I just done feel like getting together at all. I dont want to. I dont know what I am going to do.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

I would have had three weeks left. I was planning on being a pregnant nun. It's funny though, not really, I found a costume of a prenant nun. That really sucks. Oh well, I got to be a sexy Dorothy instead. Not that I really wanted to, I still want Jase back so badly.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Mary


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