# If you could, would you have started having children at a younger age or older?



## Banjo Jessie (Dec 25, 2003)

As for me, I had my first baby when I was 22. This gave me just enough time to finish college "distraction" free. So, I'm glad I got my degree and I had a great time, but sometimes I wish I'd started earlier.

If you could go back, would you change the time in your life that you became a mother? Why? ....Just curious.....


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## BeeandOwlsMum (Jul 11, 2002)

I would go back and start earlier. I started trying at 27...and I am coming up on my 30th and still no baby.









I would have started when I first wanted kids, 23/24. Then maybe I would have a baby by now.


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## BinahYeteirah (Oct 15, 2002)

bs"d








Adina

I think I would like to have started earlier also, but not by much. I had my dd at 23. I would have liked to have her right after college at 21 (I graduated at 21) or sooner after at 22. I am glad I had a chance to work full-time in my field for 2 years pre-baby and pre-SAHM-dom, though. Sometimes I think I would have liked having her even sooner (so I could have more kids at a younger age), but I'm glad I finished college overall.

Actually, the timing wasn't too far off perfect!


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## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

Nope. I had my first when I was 26, my 2nd when I was 28, and my 3rd when I was 30. (The plan is that we're done, hopefully that is the case...)

That gave me enough time to 'play' before having kids. Get all the partying out of my system- get stronger and more secure in my relationship w/dh. (We were together 8 years before getting married and married for almost 2 years when dd was born.)

I'm now back in school full time to become a teacher and having kids allowed me to really decide 'what I want to be when I grow up' and it helps me to focus instead of bouncing all over, like when I was in school before kids.


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## savannah smiles (May 4, 2004)

I had my dd at 27 and that felt like a good age for me. I had had a lot of "me" time, had been to college and seen parts of Europe so I was ready to settle down. Now I'm 30 and we're looking to maybe add our next and last child soon!


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## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

no!
i had my first at 19 and it was about ten years too soon.

i think it is best to have kids when you are older and more mature


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

I can say that I wish I would have gotten married earlier and started having children earlier, but then I would have had different children than I have now. But that aside, yes, I wish I would have met my husband earlier so that we could have had more time together, and then maybe had children earlier and maybe we could have had 3 children instead of 2.









I had my first baby at 32 and my second at 36. I would have liked to have started somewhere around 25 or 26, but I was not in a good position to have children then (no boyfriend, living with my parents, low paying job, you get the picture).


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

I wouldn't change a thing. I had my oldest at 19 and my 2nd at 23 and now at 27 my life is getting easier, my kids are tons of fun and I still have the energy and the sense of humor for them. Also I will have a lot of time to have fun with dh before we are ready for the old folks home. Although it wasn't exactly planned that way, I loved/still love being a young mom.


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## Dodo (Apr 10, 2002)

First at 25, second (coming soon) at 28. Works for me.


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## milkmommaof2 (Jun 2, 2004)

I had my first at 21 and I think it was a great age, I had #2 at 28, It took 3 years to get pg with the 2nd so I do wish I tried early with that one


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## witchbaby (Apr 17, 2003)

i was 22 the first time i was pregnant, but i had a m/c. it took a year to get pregnant again. i was 24.5 when my daughter was born.
22/23 would have been perfect. i find myself much more motivated in school now (i graduated w/ an english degree in 2002, but have returned to get my bsn); i am motivated to do well for my child.
i mainly wish i'd gotten started a bit earlier because i want my kids to be about 3 year apart and i still want to be in my 20s. since it took us a year to get pregnant with dd, i get a little nervous. i'll be about 28 if we get pregnant quickly...


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## Nemmer (Sep 30, 2002)

Adina

We started trying when I was 20, and we adopted DS when I was 28. I would have loved to have gotten pregnant when we first started, and have 3-4 kids by now. But the one benefit to it taking so long is that I learned about AP and gentle parenting during those years.


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## momatheart23 (May 25, 2002)

I am very happy to have had mine when I did. I had my first at 21, second at 23. I will still be young when they are older. Plus I can have more of an idea of what I want to do as a career when I am ready for one. I think it would have been harder to have a career and then leave it to stay home, whereas I will get into one later, which may prove difficult too, that is yet to be seen. Since I want to homeschool I am going to be home for awhile and I am glad that I am doing it young so that I will still have later years to do adult things.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I was 21 (only a few days short of 22) when I had Madeline and that the circumstances were different I would have loived to start earlier. I would have been happy to have my first right out of highschool. I would also like ot have had them closer together and had more . . .


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## magemom (Mar 5, 2002)

in many ways, i wish we had waited many many years. but then i wonder if i would have stuck it out with dh... or him with me if we didn't have kids first and ask questions later. part of who my kids are in their birth circumstances.
17 was too young, but even a PITA 14 year old is worth it. I even like the 8 year gap between 'sets' i can see how we have grown and matured as parents.
I am 31 now and about to have #5. If we didn't start so young i doubt we would have had 5.. or any more than 2, so this is good for us. was not good before, was very rough for years, but good now.


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## Persephone (Apr 8, 2004)

I am 22, and I've wanted children since I was about 16. I had no way of having one then, and I wouldn't have given a chance then either. Now I'm out of school, and I'm married, and I'm ready. DH isn't, and that's ok, I can wait. But I do feel like time is running out. I want at least two before I'm 30. It's weird, I feel like I'm getting such a late start on things. Perhaps it's because I have a friend who had a baby at 19. We have so much in common, cept I'm the one with the man, and she's the one with the child. Neither one of us would trade places with the other though. Sorry, I'm rambling.


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## JuniperJoy (Jul 8, 2004)

I had my first at 32, my second at 35 and we're hoping for another at 38, possibly even a fourth at 41. I had no problems getting pregnant at all - first try for both, so hopefully, I will be able to have all the children I want.

I think it's such a personal decision. Being older, I feel like I have less energy, but more patience than younger moms. That said, I know tons of young moms that I think are just superb mothers, totally patient and loving.

I loved spending my twenties roaming around the world, working, and having a ton of fun. I never feel like I'm missing out ... I've already done everything I hear other, younger mothers sigh after.

No regrets at all.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Although we married quite young (23), we didn't start ttc until I was around 32. There is no way I would have wanted kids in my 20s. We had to put the ttc plans on hold because of some job upheavals and didn't start for a few more years. Then we ended up adopting, the first when I was 37 and the second when I was 40.

I'm not a person who spends much time wringing my hands over what might have been. Perhaps it would have been better to have skipped a year or two of the ttc and gone straight to adoption. But then I wouldn't have my two children







so I'm delighted things worked out the way they did.


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

I was 29 when my son was born. I want to have another in a few years, and I feel like if someday I want a third there is still plenty of time...I know a lot of women having babies at 37-40. The whole "advanced maternal age" thing doesn't really phase me, I think the actual odds of problems are not as bad as people think. I think having my first at 29 was pretty good--it gave me my entire 20s to put myself through school (which took a while), travel around the world, meet my husband, get a good start on a career I enjoy (and which I can do from home, eventually, although for now DH is a SAHD and I WOH).

I know I am much more mature as a parent than I would have been in my early 20s--back then I thought that breastfeeding was revolting and "parasitic" and that there was no way I would ever do that! I also wanted to have an elective c-section under general anesthesia! And I thought circumcisionn was no big deal and the dad should decide







. I shudder to think how things would have been if I'd had a baby with my first husband (had a pregnancy scare during a very brief marriage to a complete idiot when I was 23). So I'm glad I had a lot more time to be exposed to more progressive thinking on birth and parenting.


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## daylily (Dec 1, 2001)

I was 23 when I had ds, and had 3 more babies at age 24, 27, & 30. I'd been out of college for a couple of years, had lived alone (loved that!) and felt ready for babies. We were poor, though. Dh was in grad school when we had babies # 1 & 2, and still in school when we had # 3. It was only shortly before the birth of our youngest that he was really established in a career. I worked part-time, he went to school and worked two jobs--it was hard.

My grandmother and my aunt had infertility problems and my mom developed endometriosis so I felt I was likely to have difficulty and I planned my babies as calculatingly as some women plan their rise up the corporate ladder. And now I like being a young mother of adolescents. I'm 35, dh is about to get a vasectomy, most of our friends our age are chasing around after toddlers...I feel good about having kids when I did.


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## Kerlowyn (Mar 15, 2002)

I had my first DS when I was 30, that was perfect. However, I wish I had met DH earlier, because there is a 9 year difference between DS1 and DS2 (DH's baby). DS1 would have benefited a lot from having a sibling closer in age.
I am 41 now and will have baby #3 in a few months. I do wish I were younger, but life worked out the way it did!!


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## steph (Dec 5, 2001)

I would have liked to have kids earlier - I was 42 when dd arrived, but only because I would have had more energy. The great thing about waiting so long- (well I didn't "wait", we started trying when I was 27), is that I've had a very full "adult" life. I feel centered in who I am and have had lots of life experience to draw from. Also, dh and I have a very stable relationship (getting ready to celebrate our 25th anniversary), so all the stresses that arrise can be weathered in the knowledge that we're solid as a unit. The downside of being an "older" mom is that I don't have the same energy I used to have when I was in my 20's or even my 30's. And if I was a more self-centered person, it could feel very challenging to give up all that long established personal freedom for the very real demands of a child. I think there are deffinate up/down sides to having kids younger and older. But I'm happy having dd at this age - one great bonus is that we're way more financially stable than we were in our 20's/30's (think bohemian, struggling students then artists). Actually, I didn't actually start thinking of myself as an "adult" in terms of the material world until I was around oh, 35....







:


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## teachma (Dec 20, 2002)

I had just turned 26 when ds was born, and I was 29.5 with dd. I wouldn't have changed anything!


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## stafl (Jul 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Banjo Jessie*
If you could go back, would you change the time in your life that you became a mother? Why? ....Just curious.....

No, things worked out just perfectly for me. I am very very glad I didn't have kids with my first husband, while I was young. If I had kids while in my 20's, I would not be the same sort of parent that I am now for so many different reasons.
Then, I waited to marry DH until after returning to school and earning my degree. Then, we waited to even think about TTC until after addressing the issue of pain and my endometriosis. Never knew if we would even be able to have kids at all (I was told that it was impossible given my situation), but certainly didn't want them sooner than we did. It did take us a bit longer than most to get pregnant in the first place.
I was 32 when DD1 was born, and nearly 35 when DD2 came along. That was just right for me and my family. I wouldn't change a thing!


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## Twinthing (Jul 26, 2004)

I really though I didn't want kids







. Then when I was 32, and a friend called to tell me she was expecting a baby, I suddenly realised that I felt envious... Had to rethink a bit and am now the very proud mum of twin boys, born when I was 33. I'm now wondering when would be a good time to have another go. I don't know what I was thinking before - this baby thing is good. However, I want to wait until the ds's are a bit older (maybe 4 or 5) but was wondering how I'd feel about doing it all again at 38/39 - but I'm sure it would be easier if I get a singleton







.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I'm so glad that I waited. Honestly, I would have been a really crappy mother in my 20's. I am SO glad I had that time to complete my education, travel, and just have tons of fun out dancing, socializing, lived with the same roommates for years and loved it...

I had my first when I was 34 and I'm 36 expecting my 2nd (and last). I had no trouble giving up things in my life for my kids, because I've BTDT and don't miss a thing. I feel that I needed that time to be able to totally devote myself to my children, and I know I'm the best mum I can be because of that.

I'm also so glad I waited to get married. By the time DH came into my life, I knew what was important in a husband and father. We have a wonderful marriage and are totally on board with our parenting style.

Life worked out perfectly for us!


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I wish I had been married younger and had children younger. At the time I thought I would be a terrible mom, so even though I wanted children I was very scared to have them. But if I had, I think I would have been the same neurotic yet gentle mommy that i am now. I'm 38, my baby is 18 months, who knows if I will have the chance to have another. All the time I was doing other things (getting a doctorate, travelling, that kind of stuff) I was thinking, "But what if I don't get to be a mom?"

Oh well, if I had done it younger who knows if I would have had this particular baby, who came out this particular time and place? What a near miss, to think of not having him...


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## Graceoc (Mar 26, 2002)

DH and I married right a year out of college for me and out of law school for him. I was 23 he was 29. We were blessed to become pg on our wedding night







and I had DS at age 24, we then had DD 2 years later at 26 and will have #3 at age 28. I always wanted to be done having children when I was 30 so that still gives me the option to have #4 in a few years









I definatly have days that I think maybe waiting would have been better - espically since I am the only one in my circle of college friends that is a) married and b) with any children and I see their 'free' lifestyle and get a bit envious.....But then we go out for dinner and talk and the truth is they are envious of me....they are all out there looking for the perfect 'mate' and ready to start a family - so overall I feel very lucky and blessed to have met DH when I did and have a family! For me I also thinks it helps that DH is 6 years older - for the times I need a bit more paticence and stability, he is my rock!


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## dreadmama (Jan 8, 2004)

I wouldn't want it any other way, because it then my baby wouldn't be the exact same wonderful girl she is! She may be a different wonderful person, but not HER! I wouldn't change a thing, even though my stbx turned out to be unstable and I'm raising her alone.

That said, I'm in my early 30s, and I know that I don't have the same energy that I had in my 20s. I really think that it would have been physically easier to have my baby when I was in my 20s.

Everything has a reason, and I am in a financial position to raise my daughter alone only because I was working in my 20s after college and had investments, etc. So, no regrets, but I do realize that it is more difficult physically for me at this age.

Peace,

Karen


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Had my first at 35, and just had the fourth at 41 ... & regularly consider my age. Often wish I was younger, just remembering the unlimited energy ... but then remember the incredible self-absorption of my youth (not entirely dissipated in middle age :LOL) and am very happy for my children's sake that I'm older.


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## ~Quse~ (Aug 8, 2004)

Hi,

I had my first at 22. I remember about 5 months before I got pregnant I told my dh (who I was dating at the time) that I never wanted babies or a husband...well I guess I didn't know myself very well because now I'm happily married and loving motherhood.

Like graceoc I am also the only one in my circle of friends who has a baby (and will probably be the only one for a number of years). Sometimes I daydream of the old days when I could stay out late but, while I am fond of those days, I know I am happier now then I was then.

Although my marriage is wonderful, you never know what might happen, and so I sometimes worry that I don't have any good work experience to fall back on. That said, I wonder about the true benefits and consequences of societal pressure to put young women in the workplace. Like I said, I thought I didn't want any children and there was certainly nobody telling me otherwise. I wonder, are we short changing women in anyway by not putting more emphasis on a happy family life?

Many women who became mothers in their 30s and 40s may have had more time to develop emotionally but there seems to be little doubt that it is better and easier for our bodies to have children in our early 20s. Personally, I feel that having a baby did a lot to develop my sense of self, my spirituality, and more mature emotions. Embracing motherhood came naturally to me regardless of my free spirited, career-pathed college days of only months before.

This troubles me most when I try to find ways to insinuate the benefits of early motherhood to my friends. I feel as though my thoughts are politically incorrect, that they just don't want to hear it, so often I don't say much.


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## nicholas_mom (Apr 23, 2004)

YES!!!!!!! Definitiely start earlier!!!

We started when I was 30 yrs old. Fast forward of 7 years of trying and 3 failed IUIs and our first IVF worked!!!

Now at 38, I hope to have another but we will NEVER do medically intervention, so it happens wonderful!!!







:

I ALWAYS wanted ATLEAST 3 chilldren but who knows if I will ever conceive again







........This has been on my mind lately.

Oh BTW, I charted my cycle for 7 years!!!!







:


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## lilylove (Apr 10, 2003)

I was 27 when I had Dd, and will be 29 for this one. For me I think it worked out perfect, I won't change a thing. I always knew I wanted to be a mother even as a child. I was just waiting for the right husband/father.
While I was waiting I had alot of wonderfull adventures!!! I think it helped shape me and I really feel I am a much better mother then I would have been in my late teens or early 20s. Plus I feel I have plenty of time for #3.







T
Vivianna, My Dh and I have been struggling with a name if this one is a girl too. I saw your online name and I think that just may be it








Sandy


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## Fieryfly (Mar 19, 2003)

Our first came along when I was 16, and our second when I was 20. There were tough times, but I embraced motherhood stronger than I ever dreamed that I would. I am fortunate that I am able to SAH and also homeschool my kids. There isn't anything I want to do with my life at this moment than be a mom to my kids.

A couple years ago I used to hang out with my single friends all the time, and it didn't help that none of my siblings(there are 4 of them) had kids or were even married, and at times I was envious of all they were able to do with their "free" life. However, now I've found friends who are young moms like myself, and even some SAH/AP moms who I can hang around with and I wouldn't change this for the world!

We are knee-deep in scouting with my DS and I love being able to be a kid again with the boys, and my age sometimes benefits me in that area!


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

When I was 22, I said that I wanted to have my first child by Thanksgiving of 2002; I'd be 25 years old, and it just seemed like a good time. Three years later, I was holding BeanBean for Thanksgiving.







I'd forgotten about it, but apparently the universe liked my planning. :LOL I think it was the perfect time to have #1. BooBah was born this year (I'm 26) and we'll probably wait at least a year and a half before we TTC #3.

We want at least four children, and Mike feels old, so we want to do it before he feels too old to have kids. I think the timing is perfect.


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## orangebird (Jun 30, 2002)

I had my first when I was 21, wish I had waited a little, I ended up divorced and had to finish college a single mom, which was a little difficult. I remarried and had my next at 30. I wish I had more in between them. I really want another now but DH isn't ready for another, isn't sure he ever wants another, and if I got off birth control now and got pregnant right away I probably wouldn't have my next until I was almost 35. I don't want to be having kids much older than I am but DH isn't ready now. By the time he is ready again I am afraid I will feel the time has come and gone. I really don't feel like my family is complete yet. Someone is still missing.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Banjo Jessie*
If you could go back, would you change the time in your life that you became a mother? Why? ....Just curious.....

I would definately NOT want to be a mother before I was. I was 18 when I got pg..... can't imagine if I had been any younger







: I think it was the perfect age for me. No, my life is not perfect- far from it actually, but I see my DS as a blessing. It helped wake me up and realize I was on a destructive path with a destructive partner. A huge lightbulb went on when I got pg and I started the path to a better place. I thought I could change my then fiance but, alas, that didn't happen so we are no longer together. I am in a very different place than I was 2 years ago but he is not. I do not plan to have any more kids for a while- until I find the perfect man and get my life in order- but I do plan on having more (hopefully 3 or 4 more). Time will tell









Oh, and I was one of those people who swore up and down I would never have kids. Now I have definatly changed my mind on that one


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## MrsMoon880 (Aug 6, 2004)

I am 29, and just had Evan 6 1/2 weeks ago. I feel like I'm at the perfect age. I just finished my master's degree a month before he was born, DH and I have been together for almost 7 years (married about 1 1/2 yrs.) and we own our home. We are in a financial position now that we can spoil our baby as we want to and not stress out about where his next meal is coming from (or rather mine since his come from my boobies!). And, we're still young enough to have more if we want to.


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## rgarlough (Jul 18, 2002)

Although I would've liked to have _started_ having kids earlier, I really wanted a partner







I met the man of my dreams at 24, married at 25, and we had our first baby when I was 26 (a month shy of 27). I think my timing was perfect!







My dh is 9 years older than I am and had a bit of a jumpstart though. He has 2 kids from his first marriage and when we were dating, I validated the age-gap by saying that _I could've bore those children... but thank goodness I didn't







_ I would've been 18 if I had his daughter. I had a "rule" that I wouldn't date/marry a man if his kids were too close in age to myself. I just felt that was WEIRD if I was closer in age to his kids than I was to HIM.









Now we're trying for #2







and I would LOVE to have another baby before I hit 30, but it'll happen when it is supposed to happen, kwim?


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

I had my dd when I was 37. For me personally, it was the best possible time in the world for me to have her. I had already fulfilled my career aspirations, and had "soared my oats", had traveled extensively, had pretty much led an unrestricted life and truly gave me an opportunity to grow up.

I feel like I've done everything I ever wanted to do, and now I enjoy being able to stay home with her (although my old co-workers think I'm insane, as I was a workaholic), I feel like I'm a much more patient person, I feel I'm able to provide her with more of me... if that makes sense.

I really feel that age really has nothing to do with it from one person to another. I know lots of young mothers that are beyond fantastic as are mothers I know that started much older than me. I think it has to do with your own personality


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

I was 28 when DS was born. Younger might've been nicer, but I value those years I spent EMS volunteering. I wouldn't be who I am if we had done things differently. I don't think I'd be Too different, but still...

I was 36 when Dd was born. I was just happy to have her at all. One year earlier would have made us interestingly symmetrical for the Chinese Calendar: both DH and DS are Year of the Horse. If DD had come in '98 both she and I would have been Year of Tiger. Oh well, there are many much more important things to waste energy on.









At almost 42 and DH at almost 50, we're done as far as we're concerned, though I wouldn't be heartbroken if another little life came along, especially a girl.







I have a name I wouldn't have minded using.....:LOL


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## Electra375 (Oct 2, 2002)

I was married at 20, first babe at 23. I only wish I hadn't waited so long to decide if I could go through with it all again (very bad c/s experience). This is truly my only reget in having children. I finished my bachelors at age 26 and had ds#2 at just turned age 27. I decided SAHM was what I wanted out of my life. I got a WAHM job very part-time. I had dd at age 28, I turned 29 a few days later.
I always feel like I'm missing someone when we are out as a family. I should have one between my 2 boys. I plan on having kids until I'm 35 and then we'll see if I think I'm in good enough physical condition to have a few more.
We can't go back. We have to live the life that has been dealt to us. I wish I knew as much as I know now about pregnancy and birthing, then I would have had a child inbetween my 2 boys. But I wouldn't be the person I am today either.


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## MamaAcorn (Jul 8, 2003)

I wouldn't change a thing. I finished college just short of being 22 and got married three months later. On our one-year anniversary, we started TTC, got lucky on the first try, and had ds 9 months later when I was 23. Three years later and I'm pregnant with ds2. DH is starting his last year of law school and has been in school FT since we've been married. We want two more kiddos still, so we'll be surprised with the next pregnancy.


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Interesting to me that by far most of the posters in this thread are/were in their 20s (and seemingly early 20s & younger) when they had kids.

Just interesting.


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

I had my first son when I was 21. I did it alone, put myself through school and it was a wonderful time. Now I am doing it again. My second was born when I was 38, my third son this year at 40. It may be too early to consider the experiment complete but I do know my little ones have a more relaxed, wiser momma but doesn't everyone lighten up after the first. The one thing I know for sure, my little ones have something their BIG brother never had- a really great Daddy who doesn't resent being home on the couch. Daddies are irreplaceable.

Maureen


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

I married at 25 and we had DD when I was 30 on our 5 year wedding anniversary.

I could not be a wife at 21. I had my own agenda. I am also glad I waited until I was 29 to get pregnant. We had plenty of time to have a blast, get an education, make investments, buy a house, advance in my career, travel, travel and buy whatever when ever we wanted. Now I could care less about those things because we have the best gift of all: our daughter!


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## orinsmama (Aug 10, 2004)

I think we all have our children when we are ment to. I just turned 27 when Orin was born and although I had wanted children since I was 18 (or so) wanting them didn't mean I was with the right person or knew enough about myself to raise the wonderful child I have now.

I wanted to have my children before I was 30, but if we want another (I think Orin is more ready than I (we) am (are)  I will obviously be over my self-imposed age limit. OH,WELL! Not the worst thing in the world!

Things are how they are ment to be


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## Summertime Mommy (Dec 5, 2003)

I was 17 when I had my first, 20 when I had my second, and will be 21 when this baby is born. I also have a dsd and if she was mine, I would have been 15 when she was born. I have mixed feelings about my age, sometimes I feel like I would be a better mom if I was older, because I think I would probably have more patience, and I would have liked to have had a few more life experiences before becoming a mother. I also hate being so young in comparison to all of the other mothers that I meet. But, at the same time, I feel like ds came at a perfect time in my life. Pregnancy made me realize that if I didn't stop doing what I was doing I was going to kill myself, because of ds I stopped partying, doing drugs, and overcame anorexia. DS was literally the best thing that happened to me. Also, I have always had this plan in my head about how life should be, I wanted to get married by 20, and have all of my children by 25 and somehow that is how life worked out for me. I really love being a mom (most of the time







) and I like the fact that I will only be 39 when my youngest is 18, so really I probably wouldn't change a thing.


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## guest^ (Oct 29, 2002)

I haven't read any of the replies, but my answer is a definite YES!!!! I was 30 when I gave birth to my 1st. I was 35 when I had my 2nd.

I started trying when I was a young 26.

I have Endometriosis. I have 2 miracle dc, and would *love* to have at least 2 more. Adoption is not an option due to my chronic disease. Neither is fostering.

My 2nd oldest sis had her 1st when she was 19. Her 2nd when she was 21,her 3rd when she was 23,4th-25,5th-28.

She just became a grandma.....A VERY PROUD GRANDMA!!!!!! A Grandma that showed her dd how to latch her baby on just right,telling her not to be afraid to sleep with her baby,etc....never give a bottle, and absolutely do everything she and her dh could,to keep my neice at home with my grand-neice!!!!

I envy this with my sis. How wonderful to experience your dc having babies!!! To enjoy being the "Grandma" that you never had!!! To watch your dc mature into their parenthoods!!!

My sis is 42...she has 4 more dc to give her Grandbabies..and she will cherish each of them the way she has cherished her own.

It is true that she and her dh never "knew" marriage without babies, but so what??? Look at what they have now!!!! I have *never* seen prouder Grandparents than my sis and her dh!!!!

I pray to God that I experience that with my dc.

My dc came to me when it was right.....*if* I could alter that..I would choose earlier....to get longer enjoyment out of my Granddc!!!!!!!!

My humble .02.
Many Blessings,

mp


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## littleaugustbaby (Jun 27, 2003)

I was 24 when my DD was born, and I wouldn't change it. I always wanted to start having kids fairly early. DD was a big surprise, when I found out that I was pregnant, having kids wasn't even a consideration, but I'm glad it worked out the way that it did. Rather than wishing that I had been older, I wish that I had accomplished more in my childfree years than I did, if that makes any sense.


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## JayGee (Oct 5, 2002)

Earlier. I had my first at 33 and my second at 36. I really would have loved to have a large family (5 or so kids), but with that biological clock ticking away, I think three will be our limit.

I also wish I'd met my husband earlier (we married when I was 30 and he was 35). I'd would have loved another year of just the two of us before we had DS. As it is, we spent the first year of our marriage separated because of military duty







.


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## Peppamint (Oct 19, 2002)

Just right! I married a couple months before my 19th birthday (dh was 37) and we started ttc six months later. We had intended to wait a year and a half, but dh's nephew had a baby and we caught the baby fever! :LOL

My dd was born a couple days after my 20th birthday and ds was born when I was 22. I hope to have one or two more children, spaced 2-3 years apart if I can talk dh into it. He's 42 now, so sooner is better for both of us. I'll probably be done having babies before I'm 30 unless something comes up.

I love being a young mom. My mom was even younger than I was and now she is a grandma at age 41 (yes, my dh is 6 months older than my mom







). My MIL on the other hand is 70 and has health problems, so IME younger is better.

I know some people who NEED to wait longer though, and I think your maturity and readiness are much more important than you age.







I was raised a lot differently than a lot of my peers which made a difference. I was homeschooled, expected to participate in the family, worked so I could pay my car insurance and for "stuff" teenagers buy etc. (most of my peers weren't expected to do anything at all







)


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## Slackermom (Jul 23, 2003)

I had DD (my first) when I was a week shy of my 35th birthday. I love having her so much that sometimes I do wish I'd started having babies earlier. However, I don't really think I'd change a thing. I didn't marry DH until I was 31, and we had a miscarriage when I was 33. Although starting later wasn't necessarily the plan, it worked out well for us. We're financially secure, have our careers established, were able to travel and do some selfish, adult things that would be more difficult with a child, and we have a good sense of what we want for ourselves and our kids. I, personally, didn't have all those things 10 years ago. The only downfall is that we want at least one more baby, maybe two, so we'll have to ttc again fairly soon. I've accepted that I may never again have a decent night's sleep, and it's totally worth it


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## tresleo (Mar 15, 2004)

I had my ds#1 when I was 20, dd when I was about to turn 22, ds#2 was about to turn 25. I will be 27 when my fourth baby is born.

I wouldn't change anything about my age, this is all I ever wanted...so why wait?! I didn't want to go into debt to go to college so I could start a career, only to have babies and not be able to stay home because I need to pay off school loans, or just abandon the career I started. There wasn't anything I wanted to do enough that would make going to college at that point in my life worth it...thank God my dh feels the same way I do









We are young enough that all the selfish adult things we would like to do (dh has a '77 Pontiac Trans AM in the garage he'd LOVE to build!), we'll have plenty of time for when the kids are older. Then all the traveling we'd like to do, etc., we can enjoy with them









Its neat how everyone is so different with their timeframes, etc.


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## Snowbaby (Nov 23, 2003)

I just had my first baby at 31 and I wouldn't change the age for the world. I spent my 20's doing all sorts of fun things and having many adventures, traveling, spending lots of time with friends, explore career possibilities and getting a graduate degree. I had SOOO much fun during my 20's and can't imagine having had a child to get in the way of that. It was just the right thing for me to wait until now to have a child b/c I am now ready to give all my time and energy to someone else. I wanted that time and energy for myself when I was younger and am glad I had it.

But everyone is different. My sister is 20 and is having her first baby in a month and she feels that this is the right thing for her. There are probably many benefits to her to having her child at this age, as there are benefits for me of having my child now.


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## Aaudreysmom (Aug 20, 2003)

I was 18 when DH and I got married and dd was born when I was 21. All in all things worked out well but If I knew how great having a baby would be I think I would have started sooner.


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## BusyBee (Aug 6, 2004)

I was 26 when my ds was born and 29 with my dd. I feel that having kids when I did was perfect for me. I had wanted kids since I was 12, but knew that I needed to have real life skills so I finished college, was working full time at a wonderful job, and was still feeling incomplete. That said, I think that for our marriage, I should have waited a year to help my relationship with dh mature a bit. We had been married 8 months before concieving, and together for 1 1/2 years but in separate towns. We've had to grow as a couple at the same time as growing as a family with two high-energy, spirited kids.

Also, my dh is quite a bit older than me (47) and I want another child and dh isn't so sure. What may bring ME personal satisfaction doesn't necessarily mean the best for the entire family. That is the biggest lesson I am learning as a wife/mother.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

I was 23 when I got pregnant with ds, 24 when he was born. It felt right, like he came along right when he should have.

Dd was born 19 months later, six days after my 26th birthday. She also felt like she was supposed to be right there, right then.

I figure any more will come if/when they are supposed to. And if no more do, then I'll just keep bringing more cats home.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Oh, older, so much older! I was 20 when pg with ds #1 and 21 when I had him. I was way too immature to be having children. I wish that I would have worked out my issues that I'm now working on before children came into my life. But then again, I know that things happen for a reason. I adore my kids but I see all the time how waiting to have kidswould have been much easier.

christie


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Just ONE year earlier would have been nice. I was 27 when dd1 was born, 31 when dd2 was born, and 34 when dd3 was born. In general I really like the time frame but I think I am kind of subconsiously trying to repeat my mother's kid timing. My parents died when I was a kid and it somehow makes me feel a special connection to do things on the same timeline that she/they did. They had kids when they were 26, 30 and 34. I did the three kid part, the first two four years apart part, but hurried up a bit with that third one since I wanted to leave myself a little bit of space in case we decided to have a fourth. Now that we have three, I feel about 99.9% sure that we are done.

I liked being married for four years before having kids - it gave us time to figure out how to be married and get through the rough stage after the honeymoon wears off. We also had that time to just be young and carefree. I never think "oh, if I had waited to have kids, I'd be able to do this and that" - I've already done this and that!







Of course dh being further in his career and not having to worry about money too much is nice too.

All in all, I like the timing and would do it just about the same if I could go back.


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## yequanamama (Aug 30, 2002)

My first was born when I was 23, and I think it was almost perfect. Before meeting dh, I planned to start having kids when I was about 28 (because, in my little plan, I would marry at 27). But when it's right, it's right. Right?







So, I might have liked a little more time, but I've no complaints!


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## gokiamma (Feb 11, 2004)

Well, I do not regret anything that has happened so far. I had DS#1 7 months ago when I had just turned 29. Dh is 30 and is a wonderful hubby and dad. We have been married for 3.5 years and are financially stable. So now can afford to concentrate on the baby. We spent our 20s attending Grad schools, getting full time jobs and enjoying single-married life/travel. I would certainly like to have another baby but have not thought of a time as yet. Whatever we decide ultimately I would like to bring up our son (children) as good-mature people.


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## frand (May 8, 2004)

Reading this thread made me realize what an 'old' mom I am among Mothering readers -- which I had suspected when I partcipated in some of the threads. I had my first at 37. Many times I have wished I started sooner. I feel awful that so much of my youth was premised on children being a burden. Because now my husband, at 49, feels he's too old to have any more. He's like, "I'll be in my 60s when Rene graduates high school!"

On the other hand, all the years of working paid off because when I did have my daughter, I was in a position to negotiate a great part-time schedule and we have not had to worry about money as we would have in our 20s.

Still, to all of you who started in your 20s, be glad. I wish I had too.


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## allbrightmama (Aug 8, 2004)

My ds was born when I was 28. I had wanted to start sooner but we felt it was important to pay off college debt and buy a home first. I am glad we did. We are now in a position that allows me to be a SAHM which is very important to me. If we started sooner that would have been impossible. The only down side is that I now must choose between spacing my kids 3-4 years apart or having more kids closer together. I originally wanted 4 kids spaced far apart. As I get older I realize I must compromise on one of those desires. When all is said and done I would have started sooner if our financial situation then was what it is now.


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## Beansmom (May 26, 2004)

I had my first at 30. I wish now I had started earlier so I could have 3 kids spread out more. I will probably have just 1 more now. I want to retire young, so I can't have them too much later. We wouldn't be able to retire and have 3 kids in college. But, DH and I were not ready until a year or 2 ago, so we did it as soon as we were ready.


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## Mother Mel (Mar 16, 2004)

I was 32 when DD was born. Perfect age for me as I had a lot of growing up to do... I wouldn't be the mom I am today if I had started earlier. The problem is that DH is 44 and doesn't want more, and I do!! One must also take the significant other's opinion into account...Sigh.


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## yogamama (Nov 19, 2001)

I got pregnant with my first child just after I turned 30. I had my second child at age 34. I may or may not have another child.

Before age 30, I did NOT feel ready to take on the responsibility of tiny little person! I worked really hard in my 20s, I advanced in my career, I tried different graduate school ideas on, we got married in our mid-20s, we bought a condo, we bought a house, we saved money. My husband went back to school for another degree and changed careers.

For us, having kids in our 30s has been totally right. We are in a good place with our work, I was able to cut down to part-time at work and then leave paid employment for now. I'm studying and teaching yoga right now and we are okay financially without me bringing home any real money.

I felt that we had our 20s to be together as a couple and now we are focusing on raising small kids. I know that this time is short, so I'm glad that we had YEARS together beforehand to really know each other (since my husband I RARELY have time to just hang out and talk to each other these days!)

I don't think of myself as an older mom at all (my mom started having her children at age 30 and had 4 kids), but I am constantly surprised by how many of my friends have had fertility issues. For me, I can't imagine having had children any younger.

Kathleen


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## nuggetsmom (Aug 7, 2002)

Well, yes but I started at 32 and I would have liked to have started at 25 or something. But I didn't know that then. But then I could have lots more kids because I love them so.
Still, I don't think I would have been as good a mother as I am now because I was in a different emotional place


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## callmemama (May 7, 2002)

No regrets at all! My 40th birthday is when I decided I was "ready" to start a family. We conceived and I gave birth 3 months before my 41st birthday! Married nearly 10 years, I'd already done my partying in my early 20's and had a satisfying 20-year career. I LOVE being a SAHM to my ds.







He'll be 5 years old soon and I'm just as active as he is!







But only because I get as much sleep as he does! :LOL


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## SomedayMom (May 9, 2002)

Other than wishing we hadn't had to have our hearts broken to get here (and therefore also getting pregnant about a year earlier), we were at the perfect time to start a family and I'm glad we are where we are awaiting our first baby







I JUST turned 30.


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## 3_opihi (Jan 10, 2003)

Quote:

Interesting to me that by far most of the posters in this thread are/were in their 20s (and seemingly early 20s & younger) when they had kids.
I'm really not trying to be snarky or anything, merpk. I'm just wondering why you would find this interesting. Are you trying to insinuate that mothers who had children in their early 20's may possibly regret the fact that they had their children at that age? Just wondering...no snarkiness, I swear.


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## slightly crunchy (Jul 7, 2003)

I had my son at 30. At the time, I thought it was just about perfect.

Now, really knowing how much I love being a mom, I would like to have 3 children instead of the two I planned on before. And, I also didn't know that I would be still nursing at 2.5, and not able to space my first two less than three years apart.

So, ideally I would have gotten married a year earlier (DH and I dated for three years and drew out the engagement) and started trying for children right away instead of waiting for over a year after our wedding. But, I still wouldn't have wished for children in my early 20's. I had too much of my own stuff to deal with first and wouldn't have been a good partner or mother to anyone. I have more energy now than I did in my twenties, due to my much healthier lifestyle!

That said, I do envy people who will be very young grandmothers. I think that must be amazing for both woman and gc.


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## Peppamint (Oct 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamamaya*
I'm really not trying to be snarky or anything, merpk. I'm just wondering why you would find this interesting. Are you trying to insinuate that mothers who had children in their early 20's may possibly regret the fact that they had their children at that age? Just wondering...no snarkiness, I swear.

I am surprised too (And I'm one of the young pups). It's probably because I hear so much about women waiting until their 30s and "advanced maternal age"







etc. And also, most of my old friends do NOT have children yet and some aren't even married yet. Even my friends at playgroup range from my age (23) to about 32 I think.

But I'm not merpk so I can't tell you what she meant.


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## magemom (Mar 5, 2002)

For me, having 2 babies in my teens was probably not the right thing, but I would not trade them for anything (most days, lol) Most of who they are is how we were then. My 2nd 2 in my 20s were probably perfect age. N0w I am having my first 30s baby, and wondering if I am supposed to have 2 kids every 10 years!

My aunt put off having kids till later and never carried a baby to term. My mom had 2 in her early 20s then lost all the rest. I always felt that because of that I was on a time table and I had to have all my kids by 26 if I didn't want to suffer like mom. Silly I know. But I am not sure how I would have felt to have problems because I put off having kids. Not that we have ever tried, either.

I don't think there is a right age to have kids. Yes, I would like to know what some things are like- those things that would have involved not having kids so young. But I don't feel a loss for missing them, if it makes sense.


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Please, mamamaya, am so totally not into the age-ism thing. Really. *Am* totally interested in the large number of young mothers responding to this thread, and the very small number of older mothers (of whom I am one) responding. Or at least on a cursory reading it appears to me.

Purely interesting. No underlying agenda, promise ...


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## clothcrazymom (Sep 13, 2003)

Nope! I think we are given our children right when we are meant to have them.

I had my children at 23, 26, and 37. And I hope to still have another







(and we went through the whole - we are SURE we are done and vasectomy and then reversal and then IVF route...you just never know you may feel about a decade down the road)

There are great things about having them early and great things about having them later. (I think 23 is pretty early...I really wouldn't have felt mature enough before that point even though we had started ttc when I was 21)


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## AahRee (Jan 23, 2003)

I had my DD exactly when I'd always wanted to have a baby - at 27. (Married at 25, baby at 27, per my goals as a kid :LOL ) I think it was a great age to have a baby.


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamamaya*
I'm really not trying to be snarky or anything, merpk. I'm just wondering why you would find this interesting. Are you trying to insinuate that mothers who had children in their early 20's may possibly regret the fact that they had their children at that age? Just wondering...no snarkiness, I swear.


I think it's interesting, too. I grew up in the 80's, hearing about the "trend" of leaving motherhood until later. Since I always knew that I wanted to have my kids in my mid-20's, I felt like I was different. What's noteworthy about this thread isn't all the younger mothers responding-- there are more women here in their 20's than in their late 30's-- but the fact that the majority of people who do wish they could change the time they had kids are the older mothers. The women who've responded that they were in their 20's when they had kids have, for the most part, said that it was/is the perfect time in their lives to have children. Many of the older mothers have said "I wasn't ready when I was younger, but I wish I'd gotten an earlier start," or something along those lines. Very interesting!


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## JuniperJoy (Jul 8, 2004)

I don't wish I'd started earlier, because I would've been a crappy mother in my twenties. I'm much more sure of myself now, in my thirties, and it's perfect for me.

What I've noticed is that younger mothers who have been raised in loving, attached families, are ready, much earlier, to have children themselves. They are more grounded and more mature than I ever was, at the same age.

Coming from a brutally abusive background, I needed ten years to come to terms with my own childhood, before I could provide anyone else with a childhood. The young mothers I see who are really terrible mothers mostly come from the same background as me, only they didn't give themselves time to work through their issues. I work as a volunteer child advocate at a battered women's shelter, so I come in contact with very young mothers quite a bit.

Through my LLL group, I've met lots of twenty-something moms who are just terrific mothers, but they almost all come from loving, stable families.

Maybe it's an overgeneralization, but I think the really good young moms have loving families of their own, while the older moms have come from slightly more troubled backgrounds, and they needed time to sort themselves out.

I guess it means that we should be prepared to have our own children have children young. That's cool. We'll still get to be grandparents!


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## 3_opihi (Jan 10, 2003)

No worries Merpk! I get ya.

I started having kids at 20 and now at 24 will have my third. I don't wish I had them later. But sometimes I wish I had spaced them farther apart. Three kids under age four is going to be tough on my mental sanity.

I think there are different issues for people who have children younger and those who have them later. But generally, most of the parenting issues are the same. It depends on the person. I've seen a lot of younger people who definitely had kids too early, and I've seen a lot of older parents who still work all the time and never spend any time with their kids. It's like ok, why did you even have a kid?


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## ~Quse~ (Aug 8, 2004)

When I think of this issue, I often wonder whether our society is sending women the wrong idea. My parents raised me with the expectation of me becoming a successful, wealthy career woman. There was no question about college, I was going. I stumbled into having a baby at 23 and only after becoming pregnant did I realize what a viable, fulfilling, and perfect choice this was for me. Like someone mentioned before, if I knew how great having a baby would be, I would have started earlier. But I didn't know.

Of course, I did get a chance to party, work, and study but those things are certainly less fulfilling spiritually, emotionally, and physically to me than being a mother.

If you would have asked me the day before I took a positive pregnancy test if I was ready for children, I would have scoffed at the responsibility. Hell no, I still had places to go and people to see. But I know different now and would like to make sure that other women do too.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

oldster here. had my first at 36 and second at 39. i wouldn't have minded being younger, but i think i was ready and mature enough when i had them. so far i'm keeping up just fine. many of my friends around here had their kids in their 30s. i have a few friends my age or older and many about 5 yrs younger. i really don't know too many young 20s moms.

i wonder if the reason the young 20s/teens moms are drawn to this thread is because they got flack from other sources about having kids young and wanted to respond that they had no regrets. maybe the older moms (like me) do have some regrets (i don't really -- just sorta wish i'd been who i am now 5 or 10 yrs earlier in a way, but i wasn't and am now, so it just doesn't matter). i had a great time in my 20s. i wish i had done more traveling and other stuff then, but our kids will just have to travel with us and do other things with us. i'm trying not to be too much of one for regrets about anything in life so this isn't a big one for me.

we've got two beautiful wonderful girls and they wouldn't be who they are if we didn't have them when we did and i wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

I was 32 when DS was born, and the way things are going I will be 35 or 36 when #2 comes along, if I am so lucky. The only reason I wish we had started sooner is because it would be nice to have all the time in the world to have as many kids as I want, instead of having to beat the clock. I don't want to be pushing 60 and parenting teenagers, so there is a limit to how many kids we can have, even without the declining fertility issue. I'd like to be the person I am now but in a 25 year old body.







But, this is the way it worked out and I'm glad it did, ultimately - I could not have been the mother I am today when I was 25. Other people are good moms at that age; I would not have been, I am sure. So, it's for the best.


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JuniperJoy*
What I've noticed is that younger mothers who have been raised in loving, attached families, are ready, much earlier, to have children themselves. They are more grounded and more mature than I ever was, at the same age.
...
Maybe it's an overgeneralization, but I think the really good young moms have loving families of their own, while the older moms have come from slightly more troubled backgrounds, and they needed time to sort themselves out.

I didn't have a stable family life at all, and at 26 have two children under two.







I think it makes me more aware as a parent. I'm not saying that I'm a better or worse parent as a result, but I think I'm more aware of the decisions I make and of how they'll affect my children.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I sometimes wonder if the "stresses" of Motherhood and the "demands of self-sacrifice" are more felt by the younger moms who didn't get a chance to "get it all out" before they had kids.

I mean, I see so many posts here about "getting a break" and "having a life" etc...I have not felt deprived of that at all, and have been very happy devoting myself to my children. It helps that my peers are not all out partying, but I think the biggest reason I've found motherhood so easy is that I've BTDT. I've experienced years of "freedom" and so it's not hard to give things up for a short few years and totally devote myself to my kids.

Anyways, it's just a theory I have....it's not that I don't think young moms can be good moms. I just wonder sometimes if it's harder for them to "give it all up for the chidlren". I wonder if all the "mommy stress" we hear about is related to not having had enough "me time" before baby.


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## 3_opihi (Jan 10, 2003)

It's funny Piglet, because I think if you read back I think you'll see that its most of the older moms who said they had to party and "get it all out" before they had kids. Although a couple of the younger moms have said, I think if you go back and look, you'll see that most of them said they didn't care.

It's funny because I hear this a lot from older moms. There is a mom in my playgroup who I was talking to the other day and she was saying how sorry she felt for moms in their 20's because they must be jealous of her because they didn't get to travel, and have time to themselves, and "party". WTF? I know for most of the younger moms I know, they just kind of roll their eyes when they hear this kind of talk. Its kind of a stereotype about young people, IFYWIM. Then again, maybe just the majority of the mamas I know are really good mamas







.

Not everyone who has kids in their 20's is wishing they were down in Cabo on spring break partying it up.


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamamaya*
Not everyone who has kids in their 20's is wishing they were down in Cabo on spring break partying it up.

Yeah... some of us did that stuff in our teens. :LOL Seriously, I know I did more partying from 14-21 than Mike (age 35) did in his entire life. I've probably done more than my share of it, and since I got started early I was ready to be finished with it early.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I didn't mean to suggest that all young mamas are wishing they were out partying. Nor do I think that older mamas felt they "had to get it out"...I didn't plan my kids that way. I just happened to be older when the time came, and noticed how easy it was for me to give things up, when I know I would not have found that easy when I was younger.

And also, I'm not really talking about "partying" so much...just being alone and independent. Being able to go the store when you want, shop at a mall, eat at a nice restaurant, take yoga five times a week, participate in your local sports club, etc...all those things that we did just for ourselves b/c we had the time and the freedom to do so.

And again, it's just a theory/idea I have. The stereotype of the "stressed out mother who needs me time" gets me wondering why I don't feel that way. And for me, at least, the answer is that I had all the me time I could ask for and it's therefore not hard to give it up. Who knows if that holds true for anybody else?


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## paccookie (Mar 10, 2003)

I was a couple months shy of 19 the first time I got pregnant. That one ended in miscarriage a week before my 19th birthday. I got pregnant again later that year and my daughter was born when I was 20. She was a surprise baby and I love her dearly but I wish we had waited a while longer. My son was planned and was born two months (to the day) before my 24th birthday. I felt more "normal" when he was born. Lots of people assumed he was my first until I told them I had a 3 year old too. lol I just wish I had finished college first and then got married and then had a baby. Oh well. I guess life works out differently than you had planned most of the time. ;-)


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## paccookie (Mar 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
And also, I'm not really talking about "partying" so much...just being alone and independent. Being able to go the store when you want, shop at a mall, eat at a nice restaurant, take yoga five times a week, participate in your local sports club, etc...all those things that we did just for ourselves b/c we had the time and the freedom to do so.

I don't really need "me" time to do most of those things. I usually take the kids with me when I go shopping and we've always taken them with us when we go out to eat, except on the rare special occasion (like maybe once or twice a year). Why wouldn't you be able to go to the store when you want? Just take the kids with you! We've gone shopping late at night with the kids...just make them a little bed in the cart and you're fine. It's actually less stressful to do that anyway. lol No kids grabbing things or saying "mommy, I want one of those!"









Quote:

And again, it's just a theory/idea I have. The stereotype of the "stressed out mother who needs me time" gets me wondering why I don't feel that way. And for me, at least, the answer is that I had all the me time I could ask for and it's therefore not hard to give it up. Who knows if that holds true for anybody else?








I'm usually only stressed when I am behind on something and dh is not helping with anything. For some reason he thinks it's ok to sit on his butt watching tv while I cook dinner, finish up some sewing, deal with both kids and do laundry. Sorry bud, it's not going to work that way! lol I rarely feel so stressed out by the kids that I want "me" time away from them. I'm cool if I just have some help from dh. Maybe those super stressed out moms don't have any help at home? My mom has been in "me" mode lately. She still has three boys at home - ages 16, 14 and 8. They don't require much work anymore but she's all into her stuff and doesn't want anyone bugging her. I don't know why she's suddenly acting selfish, but it's really starting to bug me. :/ I don't ask her to do much for me and my kids but she acted like she didn't want to watch Collin for a few hours this weekend so we could go work on the house. Anyway, I guess this turned into a vent.


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## paccookie (Mar 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eilonwy*
Yeah... some of us did that stuff in our teens. :LOL Seriously, I know I did more partying from 14-21 than Mike (age 35) did in his entire life. I've probably done more than my share of it, and since I got started early I was ready to be finished with it early.









LOL! Me too! I haven't been drunk since high school and I have rarely bought alcohol since I turned 21. Kinda funny how that turned out.


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## clothcrazymom (Sep 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
I sometimes wonder if the "stresses" of Motherhood and the "demands of self-sacrifice" are more felt by the younger moms who didn't get a chance to "get it all out" before they had kids.

I mean, I see so many posts here about "getting a break" and "having a life" etc...I have not felt deprived of that at all, and have been very happy devoting myself to my children. It helps that my peers are not all out partying, but I think the biggest reason I've found motherhood so easy is that I've BTDT. I've experienced years of "freedom" and so it's not hard to give things up for a short few years and totally devote myself to my kids.

Anyways, it's just a theory I have....it's not that I don't think young moms can be good moms. I just wonder sometimes if it's harder for them to "give it all up for the chidlren". I wonder if all the "mommy stress" we hear about is related to not having had enough "me time" before baby.


This is very interesting!

See now I have a different theory....I've seen many "older" (LOL yes I realize I'm an older mom...I've been on both sides of this topic) mom's on different boards having a difficult time adjusting to having children. It seems that many that even go through years of infertility then have a difficult time thinking that their lives shouldn't really change once the baby arrives...the baby should adapt to their parents lives. Maybe they aren't so realistic about what life with children is and aren't really willing to "give things up". Many of these "older" moms will be very concerned about keeping up with their careers and such as well.

So overall....my theory is that it is not about age so much as the individual. I think it makes a huge difference as to how one approaches life in general and what their mindset is about having children.


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## Peppamint (Oct 19, 2002)

My "me" time is getting up early every morning while dh and the kids are still snuggled in bed and running or working out. I'm back about the time the kids wake up, refreshed.









I'm much to controlling to allow myself to drink for fear I'd lose control of myself.







Medication just throws me for a loop, some good stories about me on codeine and my drunken labor with dd when the nurse bullied me into accepting a shot of nubain.







:

I'm a young mom who has gone out twice without the kids (went to a birthing class with a friend once and went to dinner with dh once) in the last year. I like it this way.

Regardless of age, it's your expectations when you go into parenthood that make the difference.


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## tresleo (Mar 15, 2004)

busybusymomma wrote: "Regardless of age, it's your expectations when you go into parenthood that make the difference." And I totally agree!

I know a 40+ y/o momma who has 4 kids that has full day help twice a week for "me" time (hair/nails done, shopping, etc.), and two mothers helpers alternating evenings so she can spend time with the two older kids and the two little kids at seperate times. Not to mention the help she has from family for overnights and the weekends the older kids go away with her dh.

I also have a 20 something friend who has someone in her family always taking her kids overnight so she can just be alone.

I get out once a month (to scrapbook







) while dh stays with the kids. Other than that, "me" time is "us" time...pretty much all the time.







I don't think I would feel comfortable with either situation. But they are both quite content with their situation. I don't think it has as much to do with age, more so with the personality of the individual. Whatever works


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Clothcrazy: you raise some very good points. As do you, busybusy....I guess it is one of those really subjective things.


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## PurpleBasil (Jan 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
And again, it's just a theory/idea I have. The stereotype of the "stressed out mother who needs me time" gets me wondering why I don't feel that way. And for me, at least, the answer is that I had all the me time I could ask for and it's therefore not hard to give it up. Who knows if that holds true for anybody else?









Do you feel you have 'me' time when you are away from your DD at work? When you can 'sip tea' in peace and go to the bathroom alone? I think for a lot of women who do not work outside the home, they can easily NOT have that sort of 'me' time or 'breaks' at all. So they can be stressed and need the break that perhaps a working mama gets freely (depending on the type of work, not an ER nurse, of course!)

A mother to small child(ren) can easily be holding, nursing or caring for a little person all the time. Even when the little one is sleeping on you. That's very different than a mama sitting at a desk, drinking a latte and sending an email. The stresses are not comparable, imo.

I guess I'm wondering if someone has all the 'me' time they 'could ever ask for' then why pursue anything (including work) that is 'me' gratifying? Why have a child and return to work (whatever the amount of months in between) if one is so content not to have any 'me' time?

Just because one has loads of 'me' time doesn't mean that one won't wish for that time, if it is with held for weeks, months or years. On the contrary, a taste of honey is sometimes worse than none at all and knowing what joy there can be in work pursuits, leisure activities, social times and physical recreation can be _harder_ for the person who has known it all, but now must do without.

Lots of moms can be depressed, not want to go out of the house, not feel fulfilled with staying at home with a child. They need more 'me' time and ime, the moms who had 'me' time knew that time would keep them from depression.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

I've been thinking about the same thing, Playdoh. I work on Saturdays and tend to think of it as a "break", too. But it's not really a break, it's just a change in routine. It's not "me" time, it's "doing something different for a change" time. I like my work, but it's still work. It's weird because it does recharge me in some ways, but takes energy out of me in other ways. Let's see.... is there any other way I can make the same point?? lol

Here is something interesting, though - I always make dinner, because I figure DH is tired after having just gotten home from work and needs some time to just hang out and play with DS. But on Saturdays, I still make dinner but now it's because I figure DH is tired from taking care of DS all day and doesn't need the hassle.







That makes absolutely no sense. It's like I don't consider any of my jobs to be real work, but when DH is doing it, suddenly it is. (I know this is totally OT, sorry.)


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *famousmockngbrd*
Here is something interesting, though - I always make dinner, because I figure DH is tired after having just gotten home from work and needs some time to just hang out and play with DS. But on Saturdays, I still make dinner but now it's because I figure DH is tired from taking care of DS all day and doesn't need the hassle.







That makes absolutely no sense. It's like I don't consider any of my jobs to be real work, but when DH is doing it, suddenly it is.

Anyway! What's up with this? Why is it that when Mike is home all day with the kids, he's doing work but when I'm home all day with the kids, I'm not?


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)




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## teachma (Dec 20, 2002)

Off topic, but...



busybusymomma said:


> My "me" time is getting up early every morning while dh and the kids are still snuggled in bed and running or working out. I'm back about the time the kids wake up, refreshed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Peppamint (Oct 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *teachma*
Off topic, but...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *busybusymomma*
My "me" time is getting up early every morning while dh and the kids are still snuggled in bed and running or working out. I'm back about the time the kids wake up, refreshed.









Hey, same here! I'm out the door at 5:30 in the morning.







It's the only time I can do it without feeling like I sacrifice time w/ the kids, as well as the only time I can truly relax because I know no one needs me!!

Exactly! It's my quiet time, it gets me up early so I get more done and puts me in a better mood so I'm not as grouchy.







And it's good for me, I'm getting good cardio and losing inches. Hopefully that means I'll be around longer to be momma and hopefully someday grand-momma and maybe even great-grand-momma.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *playdoh*
Do you feel you have 'me' time when you are away from your DD at work?...I think for a lot of women who do not work outside the home, they can easily NOT have that sort of 'me' time or 'breaks' at all.

I don't know if I consider work to be "me" time, though I know it's definitely a break from looking after a child (in my job, anyways!). However, when I claimed I didn't feel the need for "me" time, I was referring to the 15 months I spent being a SAHM with DD. I gave up alot of things/activities and didn't find it difficult. I know many mamas who do. So I was just wondering why?

Quote:

I guess I'm wondering if someone has all the 'me' time they 'could ever ask for' then why pursue anything (including work) that is 'me' gratifying? Why have a child and return to work (whatever the amount of months in between) if one is so content not to have any 'me' time?
I didn't return to work so I could get a break, or "me time". So I can't answer that question. If a mama returns to work because she wants to get a break from daily childcare, then I would say she obviously *isn't* getting all the "me" time she needs. But that wasn't my case.

Quote:

Knowing what joy there can be in work pursuits, leisure activities, social times and physical recreation can be _harder_ for the person who has known it all, but now must do without.
I suppose it could work that way, too. I had over 15 years of being on my own and enjoying all that stuff. Maybe if you only have a brief time of it, it makes it harder to give up? Good point.

Quote:

Lots of moms can be depressed, not want to go out of the house, not feel fulfilled with staying at home with a child. They need more 'me' time and ime, the moms who had 'me' time knew that time would keep them from depression.
Yeah, that's what I was wondering about. I was wondering what makes a mother need more "me" time, while other mothers can quite happily give up their tennis club, their bridge nights, etc...maybe it's more related to depression, I don't know. I was just musing....as I said, I know for me it was having all that time as a single to do what I wanted that made it easy to put it aside for a few short years. But I'm tending to think more now that it's what other posters said: your expectations going into parenting. I'd already decided before baby came that I was going to devote myself fully to being a mother, and put aside my other hobbies/social life for a while. Maybe, young or old, if you go into it thinking you can "have it all and have it now" you set yourself up for disappointment.


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## 3_opihi (Jan 10, 2003)

Oooh wow! Everyone is making such good points. For me, I don't miss the "me" time so much because I've never really had it. You can't miss what ya don't know :LOL

I often feel like I'm not allowed to say I'm stressed out, or tired, or lonely, or mad, or frustrated with parenting because people will just automatically say, "See, I told you so. It's because you're young, and you weren't ready to have kids." When the reality of it is that parenting is HARD and DEMANDING for anybody, regardless of the age. When I talk to older moms, and even teen moms, and moms the same age as me, I see our experiences as much more the same than different. Sure, the circumstances of our lives may be different, and we may view the world through different eyes and different sets of ideals, but when you boil it all down parenting is basically the same for everyone. Its how you deal (I don't like the word deal, but can't think of a different one right now) with it thats different. I don't think that's so much age, but personality.


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## KKmama (Dec 6, 2001)

Wow, mamamaya, I get stressed out, tired, etc, and I'm probably at least 10 yrs older than you... It seems really rude that someone would deny you very human feelings just for being young(er).







s to you...


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## teachma (Dec 20, 2002)

My WOH job is definitely not considered "me" time...I teach 20 seven year olds! So, that plus parenting the rest of the time really leaves me with no "me" time. Still, I am satisfied with having had kids when I did. I always said I was so absorbed in my job that if I didn't have kids young (ish) I would wind up never having them because I would become so set in the way of dedicating my 24/7 to my students and their families.


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