# I want to be sensitive - help me do this right please.



## UnassistedMomma (Jan 24, 2006)

At my work is a coworker whose wife is due next week with a child with some severe chromosomal abnormalities. They've known since she was about 13 weeks pregnant that they will only have a few hours with their child after it is born. They are making funeral preparations now as they await the birth of their baby.









Thus far, no one at my office knows that I'm expecting other than my boss, but I'm not going to be able to hide it for more than another week or so.

Not everyone is aware of my coworkers situation, so they wouldn't know to be sensitive to that.... I'm concerned about how to tell when it becomes impossible to keep it private any longer, especially when the timing coincides so closely with the birth of my coworkers child .

I want to be as sensitive as possible to my coworker with my 'coming out' but I have no experience with this and don't know the best way to do it. It may not come out as soon as I think because he works in a remote office, but it won't be long after I tell that someone says something during a group conference call or innocent phone call just in conversation.

Please help me to do this the right way and not make him uncomfortable or add to his grief in any way!! I'm so heartbroken for this man and his wife.


----------



## hibana (Jun 9, 2006)

Poor babe and family.







: Well, I don't know what you can do about your other co-workers' possible insensitivity, but is there something nice you can do for your coworker who is about to be a dad? Even if it's just card with a note letting them know you are thinking of their family, some kind of gesture recognizing their child (before you spill the beans about yours) might help convey your feelings.

Are you well enough acquainted to know if they would appreciate a freezer meal?


----------



## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

ITA with Hibana.

I think pregnant women are going to be everywhere for this family for a while and you will only be one of many. You are very very kind to want to be sensitive to them and that alone will go a long way. If you are close to this man and speak to him regularly than you might mention the pregnancy to him first, but if he is not someone you regularly talk to than I'd just announce the pregnancy the way you normally would have, but first send a card to them about their child.

Other than that, avoid complaining about your pregnancy in front of this man and understand if he doesn't come to the office baby shower or whatever but otherwise I'd try to act normally.

One thing that is really helpful in situations like this whether you are pregnant or not...often after a loss like this there is an initial rush of support while you are still numb and can't take it in, then later on when you really are dealing with the worst of the grief and loss others have moved on. One of the most sensitive things you can do is ask him how they are doing or send a card three months or so after their loss letting him know you are still thinking of them. Especially since by then you will be showing and the office attention might have shifted to you, I think that would be a gesture worth taking the time to do.


----------



## UnassistedMomma (Jan 24, 2006)

Thank you. Those are very good suggestions.







s
I guess there really isn't a perfect way to do it, but I think what you guys suggested will help ease the awkwardness between us a bit at least, and help it to not be quite as uncomfortable for him.


----------



## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

I just want to say kudos to you for being so sensitive to their plight. I've found that situations like those can be difficult for both parties. It's hard for pregnant people to be around those experiencing loss as well as for it to be the other way around (I've been on both ends).

It sounds like it would be good to approach him before you tell everyone. I would 1- say how sorry I am for their situation, 2- tell him that you are expecting a child about the same time as he is and that 3- for that reason, you will understand it and not be offended if he keeps his distance from you and that 4- you just wanted to let him know before it gets everywhere. That'd be a good conversation when you don't have a lot of time to sit and talk, and maybe before he goes home, so he can have his feelings in private, cause he'll probably have a lot of them.

Although, if you're not too close to him, that whole conversation could be more awkward than helpful to him. In that case, I think a card is a good idea.

Lastly, I want to add that I hope you can enjoy your pregnancy the way you and your baby deserve. So, Congratulations to you! Try to think lovely thoughts and love you baby.


----------



## Autumn Breeze (Nov 13, 2003)

Congratulations on your pregnancy









I think you've gotten a lot of good advice thus far. I agree if you two talk often, you should tell him first, and when it's just the two of you. Probably at the end of the day is best so that he can work it out before coming back to work the following day or following Monday.

After the baby's birth, I agree also with sending a card, or offereing to take a meal, or watch any older children so they don't have to cook, or can have time together and they can do whatever, go have fun, or breakdown and hold each other. Either way, they won't have to worry about their older children for a little while.

I've never experienced a birth loss, but two pregnancy losses. One of those, I happened to be pregnant at th same time as an acquaintance. She was 1 week a head of me. The first time I saw her was about 2 weeks after the loss and I couldn't stay in the room. I just had to leave. I congratulated her, and left. When I was pregnant following that loss, I felt bad when around friends who were either having difficulty getting pregnant or had recently suffered a loss themselves. Either side can be difficult, but with your obvious compassion, I think you'll be more helpful than you think.


----------



## smocklets (Jan 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *avivaelona* 
One thing that is really helpful in situations like this whether you are pregnant or not...often after a loss like this there is an initial rush of support while you are still numb and can't take it in, then later on when you really are dealing with the worst of the grief and loss others have moved on. One of the most sensitive things you can do is ask him how they are doing or send a card three months or so after their loss letting him know you are still thinking of them. Especially since by then you will be showing and the office attention might have shifted to you, I think that would be a gesture worth taking the time to do.

I agree 100%


----------



## UnassistedMomma (Jan 24, 2006)

Thank you all. I know the birth of their child is imminent. Would it be better to talk to him before or after? I'm really running out of time to keep it secret, but I would absolutely hate to pick a time to talk to him that crappily turns out to be the day of the birth, or the day of their funeral services. That would be awful I think.


----------



## Autumn Breeze (Nov 13, 2003)

If you are wanting to avoid that, I'd do it asap.

you are so sweet.


----------



## railyuh (Jun 29, 2005)

Personally I think you should tell them as soon as possible. I would let them know that you know this may be difficult news for them because of what they are going through and you wanted to make sure they heard it from you and that you want them to know how very much they and their baby are on your heart.


----------



## UnassistedMomma (Jan 24, 2006)

Ok. You all have been a wonderful help. While I have an extra day this weekend, I'm going to write out a card and get it in the mail to them. Thank you all so much.


----------



## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

A good friend (who I see nearly every day) was just a few weeks behind my due date for my first loss - in fact, I didn't know for sure that she was pregnant when I told her of our M/C, but i suspected from her reaction to my news - and when she decided to share the news of her pregnancy she called to talk with me about it. I remember feeling many different things at that time - mostly, though, I was touched by her sensitivity in even thinking about my feelings. I truly don't remember exactly what she said, but more that she bothered to say anything at all. I told her that my loss was devastating to me, but made me no less happy to hear about her baby. Jealous, perhaps, not to be pregnant as well, but no less happy for her.

We were both honest. And I so appreciated her not complaining about anything pregnancy or baby related, as much as I appreciated her actually *not* avoiding talking about things - that would have been a constant reminder of my loss. It was easier to try and just be ourselves with one another.

HTH


----------



## UnassistedMomma (Jan 24, 2006)

Ok, I sent it. I am not sure if I did a crappy job or not. It's so hard to know the right thing to say and do.

Quote:

Hi Coworker (and Wife also),

I want to just express my deepest, heartfelt sympathies at what you both are going through at this time. I cannot imagine what you must be experiencing. When I first heard about it, shortly after your diagnosis, I was so amazed and impressed with you both. It was relayed that you were choosing to carry your daughter to term in belief that it is God who decides matters of life and death, and that it was for Him to choose how long Baby Girl was to be with you. My husband and I also believe the same way and were touched by your strength and firmness of faith in standing strong in that belief, even when faced with such a difficult situation.

We have admired your strength from afar, and have been praying for you all as a family since we first heard. If there is anything at all that we can do, not as a coworker, but from our family to yours, please don't hesitate to let us know. We don't really know what to say or what to do in such a situation, but we're here if there is anything at all that we can do from here.

Given the timing, it's very awkward, but I wanted to let you know before I told anyone else that DH and I are expecting again also. I told Our Boss several weeks ago just because he's the boss, but I have not told anyone else thus far. I'm getting to the point where I really can't hide it much longer and rather than have it trickle back to you through random conversation at the office, I felt it best to tell you directly. I know it's going to feel for a while like you're seeing pregnant mothers and newborn babies everywhere you look. I just want to be up front in recognizing the discomfort that could likely be present for both of us because of the overlap of our pregnancies and so on. I completely understand if it's awkward for you, and it may also be awkward for me. I'm nearly 14 weeks and like I said, I won't be able to hide it for more than another week or so and am going to have to let the cat out of the bag, so I just felt it was the right thing to give you the heads up before you were caught off guard by it.

Again, from my family to yours we send our prayers and deepest sympathies. If there is anything at all that we can do for you, please do let us know. We hope that Wife is able to have a very peaceful and serene labor and birth.

UnassistedMomma (and DH)


----------



## Autumn Breeze (Nov 13, 2003)

Beautifully written. I think you did a fantastic job. Kudos mama.


----------

