# I can't take it anymore...my "high need" baby is driving me crazy



## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

I'm sorry if this is incoherent and rambling. I'm typing while nursing and crying.

I guess my son is what Dr. Sears would call "high need." He fits the description on his website to a T. I used to think when I heard people use that term in the past that they might just be doing something wrong like not getting the baby enough sleep or not knowing good soothing techniques or something. Well, here I am eating crow.

I thought I could handle another baby no problem after learning all I had with my first. I read all the books and gleaned what I could. I thought I knew all about babies and what they needed. I had all the requisite equipment for soothing a fussy baby...sling, wrap, Ergo, a couple of mei tais, a sound soother, a glider, a yoga ball, etc etc etc. I planned on nursing on cue, co-sleeping, babywearing, and all of that good stuff and figured all of that would make a happy baby and a mama happy.

Well here I am 5 months into this and no one in this house is happy. The joy has been drained by this demanding no sleeping baby that I cannot figure out for the life of me despite my best efforts. He has such intense needs and is so irregular. I just am baffled beyond belief on how to meet his needs not to mention everyone else's.

My 3 year old is being so neglected I am thinking about sending her away to my mother's so she can have some actual interaction with a nice rested caregiver during the day rather than a cranky sleep deprived exhausted yelling monster of a mother. She watches tv A LOT because I just cannot figure out how to manage them both. She wants to sleep with us again all of the sudden but my son is so loud and restless and disruptive at night I have had to tell her she can't and try to make her as comfy as I can in her room in her bed. She seems okay with that I guess, but I feel so God awful guilty for all of this I cannot stand it. I am missing her growing and changing because I just cannot seem to catch a break to enjoy her.

I am so physically drained form lack of sleep and running around all day trying to manage everything that I don't even recognize myself. I look so old and tired. My head hurts ALL THE TIME now. My body aches, especially my knees and back from carrying around a 20 pound baby all the time.

My husband is a cranky mess because he isn't sleeping. We barely have the time or energy to talk much less be intimate with each other. I'm afraid he is going to get in a wreck on his commute to work because he is so tired.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I am strong enough to ride this out till it's over. I am a mess. I've been holding on to hope that things will get better but they just don't seem to be. Without that hope, I feel I might slip right down into some serious PPD.

Please give me hope that things will get better. Please help me with any advice you can. Things are just so bad today. I feel I've hit rock bottom.


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## peacefulT (Oct 23, 2008)

I dont really know what advice to give but I couldnt read this and not send






















Im sooo sorry mama .. I hope it gets better for you .. I know the feeling of being at your wits end ... try to get some more help from a friend, group, family member/s, etc, so you can get a break and do something for you .. !


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## Harmony08 (Feb 4, 2009)

I'm sorry. I don't know what I can say to help. I only have one child. I am so sorry you are going through this.


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## EllaMomi2002 (Jul 1, 2008)

I can totally sympathize with you. I too have a fairly high need baby and also my second. I though this would be not quite a breeze much easier since I was an "old pro", NOT!

Thankfully my dd is in school for most of the day so I don't have to juggle both of them all the time. But this little peanut of a son of mine is quite a character.

If you can get some help do so. I would let your daughter spend some time with your mother it would help the both of you. She will get some attention and you would not have to worry about "ignoring" her.

What helps for me is if I get some time outside of the house. I carry Aidan in the sling, he falls asleep, I can some fresh air and being outside of the house does wonders for my mood. Granted he wakes up when I return most of the time but those few hours, if you can stomach it, outside helps a little.

If you can have someone come over during the day at least for an hour or two to hold the baby while you get some much needed rest would probably help too. For me if I can have someone come around 4pm-6pm I feel sort of refreshed and feel like I can handle the evening better.

Aidan is 7months now and is much less needy. He's been sleeping longer at night with only quiet nightly wakings to nurse. We have settled into some semblance of a routine.

I gotta run to pickup dd, but I'll check back when I return.

Here's a hug and know that you're not alone in all of this.


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## luckygreen713 (Apr 9, 2008)

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I can totally sympathize. It gets better. I'll tell you my story. My 1st dd was somewhat of a high-needs baby, she was really clingy and only slept if she was being held until she was 13 months old. I thought that was bad. My 2nd daughter was born when older dd was 20 months old, and I thought I knew all about calming babies, because my first child was what I (at the time) considered kind of a hard baby. Well, dd2 taught me what a true high need baby is like. Dd1 was cake compared to dd2. I felt the same things you describe. The guilt was particularly overwhelming, I ignored dd1 a lot to care for dd2 who was usually screaming and could never be put down. And what made it even worse for me was that dd2 didn't like anyone but me, not even dh, who tried so hard to be involved in her care. It got to the point that even if I wanted someone else to care for dd2 for a little bit, no one (except dh) would, because she screamed the whole time. So I never, ever got a break from her. I held her (or wore her), awake and asleep. This is still going on, she's 13 months old, but it has gotten much easier, as she is now walking and gaining some independence and enjoying playing with her sister. And I still wear her a lot, she's sleeping on my back in the ergo right now, actually. Trust me, it does get better, slowly sometimes, but surely.

Like a pp said, I also recommend getting outside as much as you can. That is something that soothed both me and my baby when things were really bad. The fresh air and change in environment really helped.

That would be great if your mom could spend some time with your daughter. Or maybe your mom could spend some time with your son and allow you to have a little time with your daughter where you can focus all your attention on her, even if it's just for a little bit. Your son may not be too happy about that, but it might help your feelings of guilt a little bit. And he will learn that when you go away for a little while that you will always return.

Also, if you think you have PPD, it would be in everyones best interest for you to get treated. When my younger dd was 6 months old, I felt a lot like you are describing. I just couldn't take it anymore. I totally broke down and felt that I couldn't continue. I ended up in the hospital because I had a horrible migraine that caused me to pass out and fall down the stairs (thankfully i wasn't holding either of my kids). At that point I knew somethiing had to be done and I went to my doctor who prescribed lexapro. It really helped me get out of the rut I was in. That was 7 months ago, and I'm off of it already. I'm doing much better. Things really do get better with time! Dd2 is now 13 months old, she started allowing other people, like my parents and dh's parents hold her for short periods of time when she was 11 months old. I still don't get much of a break, but she's a lot more pleasant to be around now, so it's ok. And she and dd1 play together which seems to be really good for both of them. Dh and I have even gone out alone twice in the past few months. And dd1 is getting more atention and things are looking ok for us.

Hang in there, take care of yourself, seek help. Don't be afraid to ask for help, whether its from your mom, a friend, or a healthcare professional. You are doing the best you can, but sometimes mamas just need a little help. I did. This will pass.







s:


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

I've been there. Except my baby stopped sleeping at like 6 months (he always slept well before that and was not clingy at all, especially compared with my first!). Sleep deprivation is about the worst thing ever.

Can you see if anyone can take the two of them out in your yard or something for a couple hours so you can get a nap? Just getting a little extra sleep always helped me SO much.

Anyway, I really feel for you because I just went through a year of sleep deprivation and, we'll just say, I was not the best mom during that time.

Good luck! It's just a phase, you'll get through it!


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

Could your mom come to your house and help you out a couple times a week?

I know what you're going through, except I only had the one baby to deal with a tthe time. It does get better. When baby gets a little bigger and can sit, roll, crawl and eventually pull up and start walking, things got easier for me.

Hang in there. The lack of sleep is what's making it so hard for you now, probably. Try some fresh air. Try a different sleeping arrangement if you think that'll help.


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## pbjmama (Sep 20, 2007)

I didn't read the other posts but perhaps there is a crisis nursery in your area?


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## bfw0729 (Jun 7, 2008)

Please read some of my old posts because I had and continue on certain days to have difficulty managing a very high-needs baby and 2 year old twins.

My baby was very high-needs from about 20 hours after she was born. After that, she pretty much cried several hours a day. I wore her about 10 hours a day. She would even cry and fight in the sling but was much worse in any other position. She was rarely put down and it was only to change diapers, do some quick hot cooking over the stove, etc... For the most part she lived in my sling. She is almost 8 months old and is still a firecracker.

I would even carry one of the twins (32 lbs) on my back while the baby was in a sling in the front. This is how I got chores done. My husband thought I was out of my mind. I had to for my own sanity. I cannot stand a dirty kitchen and stuff everywhere, so this is how I went about my day.

Also, my baby is not a very good nurser. She has never fallen asleep while nursing. She cries at the breast and continues to do that.

I empathize HEAVILY with you. I feel where you are psychologically, physically, and emotionally. It is draining and overwhelming.

FINALLY at 6.5 months of age, I was able to put the baby down and she played for about 20 minutes on the floor! This was a HUGE HUGE HUGE turning point for her and me. I literally had a breakdown the night before, crying to my husband about how hard this is. God was merciful and granted me a break the next day. Ever since, she can stand being on the floor for brief periods. I still carry her most of the day, either in the ergo or sling, and doesn't really cry anymore in there. She still has her days. She still cries quite a bit for her age, and still cries at the breast.

BUT, this is an improvement from the first 6.5 months.

My explanation....the baby was perfectly happy in the womb (temperature, never hungry/thirsty, comfortable, etc...) I cannot seem to satifsy my baby's needs the exact way she would like me to. Nonetheless, I try my hardest to comfort her and hold her.

My two year olds do suffer. But, I have got to tell you, they have matured so fast since the baby was born. They know that the baby is having a hard time and for the most part they back off a bit and give me the room I need. When the baby is napping, my time is THEIRS. I read to them, hold them, color with them... anything! I think they pretty much "get it" for being only 28 months old. They're not happy about all the time that is taken away from them, but they see that I am trying my very best.

Please keep us updated with your kids and how you're doing. Talking about it does help!


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## ILoveSweetpea (Jan 7, 2009)

I have a higher needs baby... but I just have him, I don't have another child to worry about.














I can't imagine how exhausted you must feel.

My little guy is 6.5 months. I think he was at his neediest at around 5 months when he was teething his first teeth. Honestly, once we hit 6 months, things have started to get better. Now that he is crawling and more independent, it has gotten better still. I'm not saying 6 months will be a magical mark for your baby too, but there will be a day when this will start to get better.

My only advice, as you obviously know what you are doing, is to just take things one day at a time. Get through one day. Then the next. Try to treasure and enjoy any moments of pleasure with your baby that you can get - like while he is nursing, or those rare moments when he is sleeping.

As for your tired husband and 3 yo, would your husband be comfortable co-sleeping with your 3-yo? That way your DD could get some nighttime attention, and he could get some more sleep. Even if it was just one or two nights a week. Maybe they could have special sleep over nights and make a tent in her bedroom to sleep in, or something fun.

Just keep reminding yourself that it WILL get better. Eventually, it WILL get better. In the meantime, just make it through today.


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## kalamos23 (Apr 11, 2008)

I had a horribly needy baby too - I honestly don't know how we made it through the first 6 months. Pretty much everything above applied to her except I found out that she was intolerant of dairy,soy and eggs in my diet and cutting those out helped to some extent. She still didn't sleep though, but it did make her much happier when she was awake! At any rate, she got SO SO much better at 6 months. Like I can't believe I have the same child. Also, once she started crawling and burning off some excess energy, she started sleeping way better too - not as light as she was before. Hopefully you are right at that turning point. Also, what saved us was I sent DH to sleep in the guest room during the week and he would take DD on the weekend mornings so that I could sleep in. That REALLY helped my sanity. Maybe something like that would work for you? Also, we got an exercise ball, I put DD in the wrap and we bounce to sleep - it's the only thing that puts her to sleep except for ocasionally when DH will stand and rock her. DD is also a big baby (24 lbs. at 6 mo) and the ball is the only way my arms didn't fall off. Fresh air and getting out and about helped my attitude and definitely helped wear DD out. We also put her in the jolly jumper and it helped burn some excess energy. Hang in there mama, you are doing a great job!


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## zoshamosha (Apr 15, 2006)

Both mine were (uh, are) high needs. Maybe there are food intolerances too, but I never really figured it out.

My now 3 yo and my 10 month old are, I think, really smart kids who crave lots of stimulation, more than I can provide on a 24/7 basis. And though it's not so AP, I decided to outsource care for my own sanity.

With DD, I paid a SAHM to let her come play at her house when she was 11 months old. The first couple days were hard when I dropped her off, but she ended up having tons of fun with the toddler there.

As I type, my DS is with a sitter who takes her to her mom's home preschool to hang with the big kids. I really need the break and DS does enjoy himself.


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## jmmom (Sep 11, 2007)

Hugs, hugs, hugs mama. I wanted to say that lower sleep needs as a baby is 1 (although, of course, only one, and neither necessary nor sufficient) sign of a gifted child. If you have reason to suspect - as a previous poster mentioned of her own children - that your babe might be on the smart side, you might also want to post in the gifted child forum to see how other moms there coped with high needs children, both now and as they age. They might have some special tricks up their sleeves, especially as your babe gets a little bit older. I have no idea (obviously), hope this isn't unhelpful, just thought I would mention it. It sounds like you need all the help you can get!


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I'm sorry, I remember those days with DD1 all too clearly. I truly don't know who cried more her first year of life, her or me having to deal with her. She was my first so I didn't have another child to deal with but then DD2 came with health issues so I had to completely ignore DD1 for the first 6 months of DD2's life so I could handle her problems. It wasn't until DD2 was almost 1 year that I felt I actually knew how to be the mother of two children, it really did take that long.

In those days, DD1 watched a lot of TV, way, way too much. My mom lived near by so I often sent DD1 over there, she parented DD1 more then I did those months. My parenting consisted of giving her snacks and turning on the TV, I couldn't do anything more. As long as those months were, they DID pass, and we survived. DD1's brain isn't completely rotted out,







and two years later the girls have a great sibling relationship.

Don't feel guilty about what you having to do to survive, you are existing in survival mode. There will be more then enough time later for other things. I was seriously depressed and it took many months afterward for me to start to recover, it almost felt like I had PTSD of some sort. Please reach out for help, a therapist, a friend, your family, any one, you can't do this alone. Six months is when the insane high needs child of mine started to calm down some, she has never been an easy child though. 6 years later she is still hard to manage, but I guess I can't send her back now.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

This is why there are 7 years between my kids. I didn't think I could handle another child. I really planned on her being an only after going through that. Her first year was literally the worst year of my life, and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic. Though I will say that the second 6 months were much better than the first 6 months. Consider that you could have PPD and that you might need treatment.

My advice is also to get out of the house. Somehow it didn't feel as bad if we weren't at home. I don't know why. And give yourself a break with the 3-year-old. A few months of too much TV and too little mommy interaction isn't going to make that much a difference in the whole of her life. When your baby is bigger, you'll be able to do much more with her, and the two of them will have tons of interaction.

It is terribly difficult to get through.







Don't beat yourself up, though. That's the biggest thing.


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## accountclosed2 (May 28, 2007)

Ask for help. Accept help. And know that IT WILL GET BETTER!










DD is high need - and while she is still full of energy, and still needs my help to sleep, and still needs us (no sitters), she is a breeze compared to what she was like months ago! I enjoy being a mother now.

There were days when I just cried, when DD slept less than 6 hours in 24, when I would call DH sobbing and beg him to come home, when I yelled at my beautiful girl... a lot.







:

The Ergo became my life saver for a while - the only sling/wrap/carrier DD would accept, and we didn't find that out until very late, I just thought she hated them all.

Some of my friends got together and made sure between them that we got one or two cooked meals a week delivered. That took some pressure off (not that I cooked, DH did, so he got a night off!). And maybe someone could take your 3-year old out a couple of times a week, or play with him in your house? Have your husband (or if you have someone else around who could help) take the children out at least once a week to give you an hour to catch up on sleep, alone?

As DD got more mobile, things got easier.

Remember that you are a great mother, and you are doing a great job - it is just a bit more demanding than most! (Like mountain climbing, as a friend of mine likened her journey into motherhood with...)


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## amynbebes (Aug 28, 2008)

It will get better. My 5 yr old was/is high needs and my patience often got pushed to it's limit. He's still high needs in certain aspects but can entertain himself for hours on end and is my little cuddlebug sweetheart (when he's not arguing with me







). I have an 8 month old now that if possible is more high needs than him and I have to keep telling myself this too shall pass.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Thank you all so much for your support. I can't even begin to tell you how much better it has made me feel to read these responses. I am about to fall face first into the keyboard, so I think I am off to bed, but I will come back tomorrow with more.


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## lilith1 (Dec 5, 2008)

I hear you!!! We actually invested in a Ergo Baby Carrier. I'm a lot happier, so is my DS.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

What worked for my 2nd dd was for her to be alone. Being with me 24/7 was stressing her out. She needed her own space, her own bed. She got overstimulated during the day. Having that down time in her own crib in her own (well she shared with her older sister) room made all the difference. AP means listening to your baby. Maybe he is saying "I want to be alone".

Now with my son, co-sleeping and being held was the way to go. Every baby is different. Co-sleeping isn't working out for any of you. You've tried everything else; maybe it's time to try sleeping by himself.

Chris


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## catnap70 (Nov 11, 2005)

Hang in there mama! This too will pass--at least that is what I tell myself with a babe who doesn't like to co-sleep or nurse lying down, so I end up getting up multiple times in the night to nurse sitting up in a chair. So not fun!

I second the previous suggestion to change your sleeping arrangements so that DD is getting more sleep and can give you a break at some point. Our family uses the idea that whatever arrangement results in the most sleep for the most people is the best--which sometimes means some unconventional things, but it works. Just an extra hour will make a huge difference for you. Also, do you have someone who can come over and hold the babe for a little while so that you can sleep for a bit. For us, I have had to be OK with the idea that if there is going to be crying when I am holding, it is OK if there is crying when someone else is holding too, as long as all other needs are met first. When your mental health is at stake, it may be the only option.

I also find that getting out and getting some exercise is a requirement for my mental health, not just something I should do more of, but truly a requirement.

And the TV is just a temporary solution. As things get better, you can use it less. You have to do what you have to do.

Your babe is almost to that age in the first year when it does start to get better and it will.


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## morganlefay (Nov 13, 2007)

My DD was/is very high needs, although I don't have any other kids. She had terrible colic for four months, and as soon as the colic started to improve, she stopped sleeping for more than 45 minutes at a time. I could feel myself losing my grip on sanity. I was afraid to go to sleep at night because I knew she would just wake me a few minutes later (and all night long). I second the advice to have your husband sleep in another room on weeknights--then could he take over at least weekend mornings so that you could get a few hours of sleep? This is what my DH did and it helped a lot. Do you have a relative or friend who could take the baby for just an hour every day or two? For me, just having a little break made a difference. Also, I'm all for cosleeping, but we had to switch to a combo of crib/cosleeping for both DD and I to get more sleep. At 9 months, I was able to nightwean her partially (without compromising her nutritional needs). My philosophy is, do whatever it takes so that you're not completely used up.

DD is 11 months now and still very high needs, but things have improved drastically since she gained some mobility--she now sleeps better and will actually play and laugh instead of screaming all day. Just keep reminding yourself that your LO will not be this way forever--I know it's hard to beleive sometimes.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Well I managed to pick myself up and dust myself off yesterday and turn things around. I decided we needed to get out of the house since it was such an beautiful day, unseasonably warm. We went to this nice mall that has this cool sort of faux main street outside part with fountains and shops. My daughter loves it there. She threw tons of pennies in the fountains, and then we went to Pottery Barn Kids and played with all the cool stuff. On the way home, we stopped by Chick-fil-A and picked up a kids meal with chocolate milk which was a big deal for her. Mr. Fussypants was not at his best sometimes, particularly on the way home, but he survived. I really needed to have some fun with my daughter.

Anyway, I think I just needed a pep talk because I am really starting to run out of steam here. I actually had a dream the other night about being in the car with the kids and running out of gas and wondering what I was going to do with them because I was alone which I think was rather symbolic.

I really do need to get some help here. I'm going to take a couple of my friends up on their offers. One is very busy with work and school, but she can come over for a couple of hours a week. My daughter LOVES her and she is great with babies so she could pretty much do whatever I needed. Another is a SAHM friend that has offered to take my daughter for a few hours so she could play with her daughter. I wish my family was close by because that would make things so much easier.

Anyway, I had more to say but feel my eyelids getting very heavy again so I need to go to bed. You all have given me a lot to think about and some great suggestions. Thanks again for the support.


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## WyattsMom2008 (May 9, 2008)

I have a high needs baby, too, but I found he got much easier at around 7 1/2 months. That's when he could play on the floor for a half hour at a time or so. What I found the hardest about him was that he was so easily bored. He would flip out if he got bored for three seconds. Once he could creep around on the floor and grab what he wanted, he was much happier. Then when he turned ten months old he calmed down a lot and didn't seem to have the same need to have change and stimulation so constantly and manically. He was the hardest at five and six months old, in terms of keeping him entertained. He was so, so whiney - usually from boredom. Now that he's a year old, he usually only whines when he's tired, his teeth hurt, or he has to poop.

What, specifically, do you find the hardest about your babe? Is it that he sleeps poorly? Is it that he is easily bored but not yet mobile enough to play on his own? Is it that he has to be held all the time? All of the above?


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## OhMel (Oct 16, 2002)

Hey Mama,

My first was very high needs until we figured out all of his food issues. I had no idea food could cause problems with sleep, general temperament, etc. until we figured it out. It took us 4 long years to work it out. If you suspect anything food wise start working on it now.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WyattsMom2008* 
What, specifically, do you find the hardest about your babe? Is it that he sleeps poorly? Is it that he is easily bored but not yet mobile enough to play on his own? Is it that he has to be held all the time? All of the above?

All of the above, although I think I could handle the holding and boredom thing better if he slept better. Then again, maybe I could handle the poor sleep if he was more mellow during the day.

Also, he is very irregular when it comes to when he needs to nap and ways that he likes to be soothed. Something works one day but not the next. He is hard to read too. My daughter gave signals when she was tired or hungry way before she would freak out. My son just seems to go from being okay to freaking out.

As far as the boredom goes, I never understood what people meant when they said their baby got bored until I had my son. I was like "Babies don't get bored. Just involve them in your day they will be happy" Again I am eating crow.

He craves stimulation which is the exact opposite of my daughter who got so easily overstimulated. He is just so busy. He always has to have something to play with, or be engaged with someone, or be moving...or all of the above at times. And of course since he can't move around on his own yet, he relies on me. If I wear him I need to keep moving. If I stop to do the dishes or something it is not long before the fussing begins. I cannot wait till he can crawl.

I got him a jumperoo even though it hurts my eyes to look at it and sort of goes against my values about buying cheap plastic battery operated junk, but desperate times and all. As long as it is early in the day and he is fed, dry, and well-rested, he will play in there for a few minutes. He seems to like it more and more each day.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OhMel* 
My first was very high needs until we figured out all of his food issues. I had no idea food could cause problems with sleep, general temperament, etc. until we figured it out. It took us 4 long years to work it out. If you suspect anything food wise start working on it now.

I'm in the process of trying to figure out food issues. I have to admit though, that it is slow going because I am just so tired and mentally drained that it is hard to implement dietary changes. It just feels overwhelming sometimes, and I don't know where to begin.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Change one thing at a time. I'd start with lactose (milk sugar). It's one of the more obvious ones that cause problems. Stop drinking milk and eating soft cheeses and ice cream. Drink Lactaid milk if you need milk. Hard cheddar cheese is ok and so is yogert and frozen yogert. Cooked cheese is also usually ok. But not pizza, that cheese is only melted, not cooked. Joy is lactose intollerate. Lindsay seems to be and we think that Parker is too.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

This is ridiculous. I've been up with baby since 4am. He wasn't ready to wake for the day but couldn't sleep, so basically he would sleep for a few minutes and scream and cry for a few minutes. This continued until a little after 6am when he was up for the day. I think I might have gotten about 3 to 4 hours total sleep broken into small chunks.

He now will not take a nap even though he is miserably tired. Well he will fall asleep, but he keeps waking if I try to leave and quite frankly I'm sick of being with him at the moment and I need a break not to mention the fact that I have a 3 year old to care for.

I think I might try a different approach and head to Babies R Us today to buy swing, a stroller, maybe an excersaucer, one of those Ocean Wonders Aquarium things for the crib which he will now be sleeping in all night, one of every paci, some bottles, and a case of formula...and maybe some baby sleep books to boot. I am just so done with all of this.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

Yuck. I've so been there. We had about 4 months of once-a-week all nighters. This happened when he was well past a year! So not fair. We figured out that he occasionally got some painful gas (we think) and also it often happened when there was a full moon or an extremely cloudy night when it'd be brighter in our room than usual. So... we got black out curtains and when he'd wake all kinds of fussy we'd lie him down and move his legs around to try and help him move down the gas. It seemed to help, but I don't even wanna tell you how long it took for us to figure that out. But of course, even when he slept "normally", he was up 6 or 8 times to nurse each night *sigh*

Do you think it could be gas-related? Like, have you tried keeping a diary and seeing if extra-fussy times line up to things that you're eating or try cutting out obvious things like dairy... things that frequently cause problems in babies...?








I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible thing to be deprived of sleep. I mean, they actually torture people by keeping them from sleeping! Hope things loook up for you soon!!


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riverscout* 
I'm sorry if this is incoherent and rambling. I'm typing while nursing and crying.

I guess my son is what Dr. Sears would call "high need." He fits the description on his website to a T. I used to think when I heard people use that term in the past that they might just be doing something wrong like not getting the baby enough sleep or not knowing good soothing techniques or something. Well, here I am eating crow.

I thought I could handle another baby no problem after learning all I had with my first. I read all the books and gleaned what I could. I thought I knew all about babies and what they needed. I had all the requisite equipment for soothing a fussy baby...sling, wrap, Ergo, a couple of mei tais, a sound soother, a glider, a yoga ball, etc etc etc. I planned on nursing on cue, co-sleeping, babywearing, and all of that good stuff and figured all of that would make a happy baby and a mama happy.

Well here I am 5 months into this and no one in this house is happy. The joy has been drained by this demanding no sleeping baby that I cannot figure out for the life of me despite my best efforts. He has such intense needs and is so irregular. I just am baffled beyond belief on how to meet his needs not to mention everyone else's.

My 3 year old is being so neglected I am thinking about sending her away to my mother's so she can have some actual interaction with a nice rested caregiver during the day rather than a cranky sleep deprived exhausted yelling monster of a mother. She watches tv A LOT because I just cannot figure out how to manage them both. She wants to sleep with us again all of the sudden but my son is so loud and restless and disruptive at night I have had to tell her she can't and try to make her as comfy as I can in her room in her bed. She seems okay with that I guess, but I feel so God awful guilty for all of this I cannot stand it. I am missing her growing and changing because I just cannot seem to catch a break to enjoy her.

I am so physically drained form lack of sleep and running around all day trying to manage everything that I don't even recognize myself. I look so old and tired. My head hurts ALL THE TIME now. My body aches, especially my knees and back from carrying around a 20 pound baby all the time.

My husband is a cranky mess because he isn't sleeping. We barely have the time or energy to talk much less be intimate with each other. I'm afraid he is going to get in a wreck on his commute to work because he is so tired.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I am strong enough to ride this out till it's over. I am a mess. I've been holding on to hope that things will get better but they just don't seem to be. Without that hope, I feel I might slip right down into some serious PPD.

Please give me hope that things will get better. Please help me with any advice you can. Things are just so bad today. I feel I've hit rock bottom.

I haven't read the other replies yet.

Okay, my older son was very high needs. Very. It was a challenge. ( That is an understatement







)

First thing I see you might be able to change if you like is make a pallet of blankets or get a sleeping bag to put your three old in so she can sleep in your room. Get a cot or put her little "bed" on the floor by your bed. She is there with all of you, but not in the actual bed where the baby's fussiness might be an issue for her. That's just an option that might or might not work for you.

All babies are different, so what works to soothe one, may not work for another. If all the carrying around is not working, don't be afraid to try a stroller or sitting your baby on a blanket to play. Not all kids LIKE to be in arms or wrapped or carried. Try something different and see what happens.

Some babies just fuss and cry. No matter what you do, there may some fussing and crying involved. I am NOT suggesting CIO. What I am saying is that you may have to carry on, baby on hip, doing what you do during the day with your three old old, running errands, taking care of your home and just let it be enough that you are doing what you can to make your littlest one as comfortable as possible, doing whatever it is that he likes best, but knowing that sometimes he may just still fuss and cry. As long as you know he is healthy and not hurting, and you have done everything you can, it may just be colic. Mine had colic for five months!

Allergies...he may have allergies to something you are eating if you are breastfeeding or if he is formula fed he may be allergic to the formula. I'm sure other moms have mentioned this already.

For what it's worth my older son, who is 20 now, is the one who was the high needs baby. It got better, but I'll be honest with you, it took awhile. I'd say by second grade things were MUCH better.

I learned to babyproof the house, get him outside as much as possible to run off that energy, keep books, snacks, etc. in the diaper bag for when needed, learned when his best times would be to run errands, and in general tried to work around him as he wasn't being difficult because he was spoiled, but rather because he was just an intense kid.

A great book is Raising Your Highsprited Child ( I'll double check the title.)

My second son was sooo mellow that I was seriously worried about him. He slept through the night early. Rarely fussed. Was just a happy and easy-going little guy. I had no idea what to "do" with him because he was so content most of the time!









Oh, and once your baby is mobile that may help. His being able to walk, run and explore will keep him busy.

LOTS of







s!

I was so sleep deprived for awhile, but I survived and you can, too. If your three old still naps, see if you can manage for all three of you to nap when your baby sleeps.

Do you have any friends or family who could come and spell you for awhile? Someone you trust who could watch your baby for an hour or so while you nap or clean house or do something fun with your three old old?

Good luck and feel free to PM my anytime.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juvysen* 
Do you think it could be gas-related? Like, have you tried keeping a diary and seeing if extra-fussy times line up to things that you're eating or try cutting out obvious things like dairy... things that frequently cause problems in babies...?

He does seem to have a lot of gas. I swear I don't remember my daughter ever farting like he does. I mean these are some seriously impressive farts...very loud and stinky







.

I've been working on eliminating dairy, especially milk. I've read there can be "hidden dairy" in some things and I haven't gotten around to figuring all that out yet.

I try to cycle his legs to help him get it out. I also tried having him sleep on his tummy which I thought might make it easier to pass gas, and he seemed to like it at first. But now it freaks him out. He wakes up frequently SCREAMING his little head off and won't really settle until I swaddle him.

He is now sitting contently in his bouncy seat watching Blue's Clues with his sister. It's either that or put him on the curb in a box with a sigh that reads "free to a good home."







:







:


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Have you ever done infant massage?


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinybutterfly* 
Good luck and feel free to PM my anytime.

Thanks for that and for the suggestions.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
Have you ever done infant massage?

Not really. It's something I thought about a couple of months ago, and I meant to find out more about it. But the idea has just gotten lost in the craziness around here. Do you know a good book or website that has some good info about it?


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riverscout* 
He is now sitting contently in his bouncy seat watching Blue's Clues with his sister. It's either that or put him on the curb in a box with a sigh that reads "free to a good home."







:







:









Hey! Your sense of humor is still intact! That's a good thing!









And if he is happy in his bouncy seat, watching Blues Clues with his sister that is a good thing! You do what you have to do to survive and don't feel guilty about it. The bouncy seat and Blues Clues will not hurt him!

Okay, I read throught all the replies and all your other replies on this thread.

If you can try a swing, try it. I WISH we had had one for ds#1. He LOVED it and would be soooo content in it at LLL meetings where the leader had one. We didn't have one at home and I do think it would have made my life SO MUCH EASIER. Do you have a friend who has one? Would hate to see you spend all that money for one and then it turns out he doesn't like it.









Hidden dairy in other foods would be cassein, whey, lactose...I can't remember what else. In the allergy forum the moms would be able to help you. You will be surprised when you start reading labels at how much milk is in packaged foods.

DO take your friends up on their offers to help!

Hope you have a good day today.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riverscout* 
Not really. It's something I thought about a couple of months ago, and I meant to find out more about it. But the idea has just gotten lost in the craziness around here. Do you know a good book or website that has some good info about it?

I took a class with #1 and this is the book that was handed out with it: http://www.amazon.com/Infant-Massage...7210678&sr=8-1

Also, I personally think it's OK to relax the ideals a little when you're in a situation like you're in - just trying to hang on. A pacifier and a swing might make things easier. My first was like yours and IMO these gadgets do have a place. The second is so much easier - I can see why people think these things are never really necessary because if my second had come first I might think that too.


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

Here you go. I had the title wrong.

Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic
by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

And here's an old thread you might like to read. You certainly are not alone.









http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=710993


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

Have you tried cranio-sacrial therapy and/or chiropractic?

Will he sleep in the car? Will he sleep in a stroller? It sounds like both of you are just miserable and need some immediate sleep.


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## LadyCatherine185 (Aug 12, 2008)

DS is also very high needs. we are seriously considering having only one child. or at least putting loooots of years between two children. he doesn't sleep. he needs to be constantly held and/or entertained. i am so so so drained. i'm right there with you mama!

now at 6.5 months, things have actually gotten a lot better. he is starting to scoot around on the floor, eating a little bit of solids, and just seeming to have more fun/be more content without ME entertaining 24/7. the sleeping still hasn't gotten better, but one thing at a time......

ds has several food allergies/intolerances. the main ones are dairy and wheat. it is so hard to cut those out, especially wheat, but it has made a HUGE difference. with dairy, it is not the lactose that upsets babies, human milk actually has a LOT more lactose in it than cow's milk. it is the cow milk protein. so drinking lactose free milk will not help. the gas and stinky farts you described sounds like he is really having some tummy issues. Dairy is the #1 allergen, try cutting it for 2-3 weeks and see if it makes a difference.

i, like you, was very overwhelmed with all of the elimination diets, etc. so i took DS to an allergist and had him tested. with what he reacted to, there is a 50% chance of an allergy to that. you could take him to be tested and at least have something to work from. eliminate those foods and see if it makes a difference, and then slowly add back one thing at a time.

it is so tough mama. but just know, things WILL get better.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

i can relate and my baby isnt even high needs ( i dont think). constant nursing, time taken from your 3 yo..thats a hard adjustment on any mom. add sleep deprivation and it just all gets crazy as sh*t.

i have 2 things to recommend...b/c i think you may get the biggest bang for your buck (short term):

chiropractor
have dh sleep w/ 3 yo for a bit; she gets the night time cuddles she wants; he gets some sleep. maybe play around w/ teh night time arrangement.

i hate not sleeping w/ DP but when he was sick and coughing i kicked him into another bedroom. i couldnt deal w/ his coughs waking the babies. or if one of the kids are sick he will sleep in another room to get sleep. i love everyone together but sometimes its not possible.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

I don't think that it's a true milk allergy. He would also have a red rash. But milk is fairly easy to look for in foods. Look for lactose, whey, milk solids in the list of ingredients. Lactose intollerance shows up as gas because the body can't break down the milk sugar (any word with "ose" at the end of the word is a form of sugar). For lactose intollerance, you don't have to cut out all dairy, just fluid milk and soft cheeses made from cow's milk that isn't cooked.


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## Unconventional1 (Apr 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewchris2642* 
I don't think that it's a true milk allergy. He would also have a red rash. But milk is fairly easy to look for in foods. Look for lactose, whey, milk solids in the list of ingredients. Lactose intollerance shows up as gas because the body can't break down the milk sugar (any word with "ose" at the end of the word is a form of sugar). For lactose intollerance, you don't have to cut out all dairy, just fluid milk and soft cheeses made from cow's milk that isn't cooked.

This doesn't make any sense. Lactose survives heating, but the enzymes that break it down do not. Most people who are lactose intolerant can drink raw milk because those enzymes are still intact (pasteurization destroys them). Hard cheeses are generally tolerated because the cultures used to make the cheeses break down the lactose, but it takes time- that is why soft or young cheeses are not tolerated well, there is still lactose in them. Pizza has mozzarella, a very young cheese.

The thing about lactose causing issues, even though breast milk carbohydrate is mostly composed of lactose is that pasteurization denatures the lactose found in cow milk to beta-lactose, and like I said above, destroys the enzymes as well.


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## BeantownBaby9 (Jan 15, 2009)

Rewind 4 months ago and I was in your exact shoes. I really think based on everything you are saying is that your DS has silent reflux/food intolerances. My DS was super duper high needs, couldn't be put down, ever, at 4mo old. Had to sleep ON someone, always sit semi-upright, slept for crap, napped for crap, and was moody as anything. Once he was put on reflux meds, I had a happy, smiley baby that would tolerate being put down for more than 5 min and started sleeping 3-5hr stretches. I also have a Mr. Fartsalot, as we are still working through the food stuff and waiting on allergy panel results. Last month DS stopped sleeping long stretches and would wake up every 45min in painful crying fits, cold sweats too. During the day he was fine, but nights were terrible. His Dr and I both never suspected his reflux was back b/c his dosage was already on the high end. Well low and behold one day I give him a little mylanta before bed, and poof, THAT NIGHT, he was a new baby. Its his reflux again. If you are open to it, I would try a little mylanta (1/4tsp dosage up to 4x a day) and see if it helps. If it does, you know to go to your doc and figure out whats up, if it doesn't do a darn thing, no harm no foul. There are also homeopathic remedies for gas, like Hylands gas tabs (for adults, I 1/3 the dose for our DS) or there is something called Nux Vomica for the reflux.

And for milk substitutes, Hemp milk is yummy







I would do dairy elim definitely, and then think about soy and GFCF later if you don't see improvement


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## Unconventional1 (Apr 3, 2006)

Also keep in mind that it can take weeks for lactose to get out of BM, so give it time!


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Unconventional1* 
This doesn't make any sense. Lactose survives heating, but the enzymes that break it down do not. Most people who are lactose intolerant can drink raw milk because those enzymes are still intact (pasteurization destroys them). Hard cheeses are generally tolerated because the cultures used to make the cheeses break down the lactose, but it takes time- that is why soft or young cheeses are not tolerated well, there is still lactose in them. Pizza has mozzarella, a very young cheese.

The thing about lactose causing issues, even though breast milk carbohydrate is mostly composed of lactose is that pasteurization denatures the lactose found in cow milk to beta-lactose, and like I said above, destroys the enzymes as well.

You are right. I was over simplifying. Probably because I've lived with it so long. Joy is lactose intollerant. And now Lindsay and Parker appear to be. We didn't discover it with Joy until she was a teen simply because we don't drink a lot of milk. What dairy we eat regularly is the hard cheeses and yogert. It wasn't until she became a teen and started eating a lot of pizza, ice cream, and sour cream (Mexican fast food), that we found out. It's funny but Joy can tollerate milk when she is pregnant.


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