# Getting over it and relapsing when you thought you were okay.



## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

So my baby was lost in May at 16 weeks. It wasn't my first miscarriage, but it was my furthest along by three weeks, IYKWIM. But anyway, my other miscarriages were all before I found MDC, so ... well anyway. So I've been feeling okay the last few weeks, we're moving soon and have been caught up in that, but then just digging around MDC found a very long thread celebrating an impending birth in October. My baby was due in October.

So now am _back there_, IYKWIM.

Just venting.


----------



## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Oh hun, my heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry to hear about your baby.Sounds like you've described me lol. We lost Alexis in May and for the most part, we're getting through it well! Then I bought a pretty box to put some clothing items we saved for her in and had a breakdown. It was like I was putting *HER* away or something. I'm not sure how to describe it...but it was just so sad and I was in a sour mood the rest of the evening. All the feelings of anger and rage came back. All the "Why me?" questions came back...just know that you're not alone. You've lost a child and you'll never forget them or just "get over it".


----------



## krankedyann (May 28, 2005)

I'm going through a relapse myself. A friend just had a baby, and it's thrown me for a loop that I didn't really expect. I had also been doing rather 'ok' until I got that phone call on Saturday. Then it was like I had been punched in the stomach.

Try to give yourself some time and space and know that relapses are going to happen, sometimes when you least expect it. I told my mom today that it's just like what she went through when she lost her grandmother whom she loved dearly- every time she saw something that reminded her of her grandmother, it was like a punch in the stomach, and over time that reaction got less and less strong, but it will always remain. You'll never forget your baby, but in time the pain won't be as strong or as unpredictable as it was before.


----------



## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

I hear you. 3 weeks out from a miscarriage at 6 weeks, and had been doing okay until this weekend. Very weepy Friday, okay Saturday, and a very bad morning today.

Having been through grieving a death before, though not for a baby, I know that it hits in waves of varying frequency brought on by whatever. All you can do is give yourself time.


----------



## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

i don't think there is any "getting over it." i think you always have a hurt place in your heart for a lost baby.

sometimes the pain is sharp and hurts a lot and sometimes it is a soft pain you don't really notice.

overcoming grief is not a steady progression upward out of hurt. it's a process with lots of starts, stops and going forward and backwards. it's an intricate dance, in which we learn the steps as we go along.

there is no such thing as a relapse, just days that a better than others. just as there are many things that can ease the pain, there are many that can make the pain worse. it's all part of healing.

remember to be very gentle with yourself and give yourself all the time you need. (which is usually way more than we think we need and way way more than others think we need)


----------



## Kristeremy (Feb 4, 2006)

I so know what you mean. My last mc was in May, and I'd been doing pretty good the last couple of weeks, but I saw pics of my pg sister-in-law and, like you said, I was back there. Took me a couple of days to realize what triggered it. I think that's just the way it is. Getting past the due date will help (me, at least).


----------



## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

I lost my first baby in May. It was only 8 weeks along, but we'd been trying for 12 months, so I really felt it.

Most of the time I am okay now, but every Sunday when we go to church, I just weep through the worship time. I have not made it through a service dry-eyed once since it happened. Fortunately, our church is the kind where weeping in the service is not that unusual, and even though not everyone knows we had a miscarriage, everyone knows I'm working something out with God. It's a very safe place to cry.

The other night I also flipped out at a birthday party where people were playing ball with balloons. I hate the sound of balloons popping, and especially the anticipation of waiting for a balloon that's being squeezed or hit to pop. I dropped hints, but they were ignored. So I went in another room, but could still hear the balloons going off like bombs every few minutes. Finally, after yet another one popped, I came back in the main room and screamed, "STOP IT!!!!" at the top of my lungs. I don't know if it was a panic attack or what, but boy was it embarrassing to lose control like that. Luckily, everyone understood. I don't think it would have gotten to that point, though, if I weren't grieving and tapped out emotionally.

I know that both my younger sister and my best friend are TTC right now. We need to wait one more month before TTC again, and even then it may take us another 12 months, so I am trying to prepare my heart for some more grieving. I'm not there yet, but I could be soon.


----------



## anjelika (May 16, 2004)

Ah, I was just about to start a new thread on this tonight. I m/c about 2 years ago, and the pain still comes and goes. Today, I found that a friend is pregnant, which made me incredibly happy. Then, of course, I remembered my loss. I drove around for 1 1/2 hrs trying to calm down and shake the disappointment away, but it didn't work. Then I came home to a very angry husband wondering where I had been (I thought he was visiting neighbors up the street, so I didn't bother to tell him I was leaving).

When I told him I went driving because I was too stressed, he asked what I was upset about, but I didn't feel like discussing it with someone who was upset (and by extension, probably not supportive). I desperately want THAT child back, you know? And honestly, I think that's something people who haven't gone through it don't understand, so talking about it is futile.








I hope it gets better for all of us...


----------



## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

I know just what you mean. My baby was also due in October, and I lost the baby at 19-20 weeks. It's been over a month now. Mostly I'm okay. But it stings everytime I'm reminded that my plans for the fall have changed. I'm now able to take part in a few activities because I'll no longer be hugely pregnant or nursing a newborn this fall.

Just this past weekend, AF returned, and that was really hard for me too.

As time has gone on, it has gotten easier overall. So I am assuming that in time, the pain will lessen and the 'rough patches' will be fewer and less frequent.


----------



## jet1295mamajenn (Jul 21, 2006)

I'm so sorry you're going through fresh pain. I'm afraid it will probably only ever dull, though I may only be speaking for myself. Our loss (ruptured ectopic) was in April. Physically, I'm much better other than the constant reminder of the 6-7 inch vertical scar on my abdomen (had ruptured and was bleeding pretty badly, and my tube had adhered to part of my bowels, so keyhole surgery was no longer an option). Emotionally, it's a different story. Things just catch me off guard.

I got emotional at the doctor's office on April 22, getting my staples removed. Just being where I had gotten the news really upset me. I got emotional in May when we learned that my dh's sister and her husband are expecting their fourth child in 7 years (births: 6/22/00, 4/7/03 and 5/5/05, due 1/14/07). A little weepy there, but at home the next day I was a wreck. I got emotional on Mother's Day watching one of the families in church with their then-8 mo/old. I got emotional at dh's family reunion when dh's sister's husband (the ones expecting #4) took me aside to give me a hug and say he wanted to tell me in person how sorry he was about the loss of our baby. I got emotional at my most recent doctor's visit, sitting in the waiting room with all the nice, round, prego moms.

I don't think I'll ever have a time when I don't get caught off-guard. It's very hard to deal with sometimes, but it does get a little easier in the day-to-day. It's just that I get surprised from time to time.

Big hugs to you...I really do understand!!

JET


----------



## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)




----------



## makawee (Jan 23, 2005)

i don't think there is ever getting over it. we can move on, but never ever forget.

the hardest for me is seeing the pregnant bellied women rub their bellies and that i should be pregnant now. that sends me into an emotional place everytime - no matter if i look for 3 seconds or a millisecond.

i'm moving too, i lost my baby in may too. i think when we are stressed out our emotions can be extra sensitive to things. i'm emotional too because i'm moving away from the apartment that i had my miscarriage in. this is the place that i got pregnant.

i just looked - this thread is from the beginning of the month. how are you feeling now merpk?


----------



## KnittingMama (Nov 30, 2005)

My midwife said that many grieving people make the mistake of thinking that you go through the five stages in order and once you've passed them, you're done. But in reality, we can and do bounce around from stage to stage and even backtrack from time to time, which is not only normal, but healthy.


----------



## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

makawee, thanks for asking.









How am I doing? Okay, I guess. We're moving b'e'H in less than 2 weeks, so that's overwhelming. So our close friends had us over last weekend and we'll be spending our last weekend here with them, too ... and showed us a picture of their DD#1 and SIL ... and their DD is due in October. (Yes, we're older, so we have contemporaries/friends who are grandparents.)

As soon as they told us that, DH shot me a look like waiting for me to turn a whiter shade of pale, IYKWIM ... but I just smiled back.

I guess sometimes it's okay.

Depends on the day. Like absolutely everyone on this thread has said.

Hoping all of us realize our dreams ...


----------



## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)




----------



## mamaverdi (Apr 5, 2005)

Amy


----------



## cowboysgirl (Jul 27, 2006)

It has only been 3 days since I lost my baby, but, I too, thought I was doing pretty good. Then a friend of mine called that hadn't heard the news yet. She is due in February and she started telling me how amazing it was when she heard the heartbeat on Tuesday. She got very worried when I burst into tears. I had to tell her that the same day she heard her baby's hb was the same day I had an us and we couldn't find one. I felt like such a damper on her joy, and she felt so bad for me. I get over it and relapse on a minute by minute basis. I guess there is will always be little triggers that set us off again. Grieving is very important and there is no time table on how long it lasts. It is perfectly normal to have relapses the rest of your life. We both lost a child, and no amount of time will ever take away from that.


----------

