# Our Stillborn Baby Violet



## mercyrus (May 16, 2006)

*UPDATE:*

My period was late by 5 days and so, I thought that I would take a PT. Two lines appeared as clear as day. I ran in to show my husband and he couldn't believe it either. Initially, I was in complete disbelief...mainly because I just never thought that it would happen again and because I was using a Target brand (I know, it's just as good as the others). So, I called my doctor's office and then rushed to Target to pick up Clearblue Easy Digital (2 sticks) and First Response (2Sticks). When testing, I like to take 3 tests...but, 3 different brands. All were positive. I went in that day and had an HCG and Progesterone test done. I should be hearing something by Tuesday. Even though all of the tests are positive...I still won't believe it until I hear the results. I feel detached and scared as hell. I can't talk to anyone about this&#8230;except my husband, and I think he would prefer to not think about it until he has to.
Here's the thing. I still mourn Violet&#8230;I mean really mourn her. I think about her all the time - for some stupid reason I thought that it would get better if I got pregnant. In some ways I feel worse&#8230;in some ways better - I'm pregnant and grateful. But, when Violet died&#8230;some part of me died with her - my biggest fear is that the baby will feel that too. I'm afraid to hope and I'm afraid of the outcome of all of this will be the same. On February 3rd we'll be going to an Orientation for Catholic Charities to put our names on the list and start the process. We're not using them as a back up plan (well not entirely)&#8230;we still think we could provide a loving home for a child who may need it.
I'm a wreck&#8230;I don't know how to do this or what to feel. I feel like I'm whining because many women on here are going through exactly what I went through in April. I am grateful about being scared. I still feel angry, sad and a little dead inside. So, if any of you have advice&#8230;please share it.

*Original Post*
I read through posts and decided that I would tell my own story. Please provide feedback. If I offend any of the members of this forum, it was inadvertent and I apologize. I just needed to rant, vent and tell our tale. Thanks for your time and patience. I'm afraid the post is rather long.
When most people think back to childhood and think of all the things they would be, a doctor, a lawyer, a ballerina&#8230;you know what I wanted to be&#8230;a Mommy. I wanted someone to run to me and love me as much as I loved my mother.
So, when I married, my husband and I tried to conceive. We had suffered a miscarriage 3 years previous to our marriage (we had not been trying to conceive) but, we thought we'd be pregnant in no time. No time turned out to be 6 years of tests and disappointments, until last August I discovered I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it - 2, 3 weeks after that I still couldn't believe it. I think I continued to test even after the doctor confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. All of this was new to us, even though we had been pregnant before&#8230;we never got to experience all of the firsts. I watched him slowly grow from mere curiosity to excitement. We weren't naïve. We knew that things could happen. We waited for the second trimester to come before we told anyone. We hadn't confirmed or even discussed names until the 5th month. We waited until our 8th month to start buying things for our little Violet.
The first things that I bought were the bottles&#8230;I had fed babies before, but, I was buying them for my own right now. I had read one of those consumer books on baby merchandise - read reviews and decided on a brand. We registered and hoped that family and friends would purchase the most expensive things - and they didn't disappoint...it seems as if we got 2 of everything. We were excited and had talks about doing things better than our parents, opening an account from her college education and when we should put her on the wait list for one of the better private schools in the area.
We talked about what she'd look like&#8230;or rather who. We took the birthing class, did the breathing exercises, played the games and listened to everyone ask their "paranoid" questions. I drove the doctor crazy with my questions, everything from "Are you sure she's okay?" to "How do you handle traveling with your small children on airplanes?" After having a somewhat normal pregnancy, in my 9th month she flipped&#8230;it was odd and the doctor was puzzled, but told me to hang in there and she could flip again. He ordered that I have a non-stress test - he also called and reserved the OR for the following week. The next week - 39 (the day I was due for my c-section), I went in and had another non-stress test and ultrasound and discovered that she had flipped and was head down again. I was relieved, I didn't want a c-section&#8230;I wanted to be able to hold my baby without being overly tired and sore - besides that I was just plain frightened of having an operation. He asked if I still wanted the c-section&#8230;and I told him that if everything was okay&#8230;and I said something that I until the day I die, I will regret with my last breath&#8230;I said that I didn't want the c-section. He cancelled the operation and I asked him if there was anyway I could be induced&#8230;he said he would aim for the following day, but he couldn't guarantee anything. Later that day, the hospital called and said that they had scheduled the induction for the following Tuesday. I was disappointed, I was done being pregnant and wanted the baby out.
That weekend I felt a little funny, I even thought that I was having contractions, but according to everyone - if I was having contractions, I would know it. My husband kept an eye on me, making me comfortable - doing kick tests. Monday came and I was incredibly busy. I was cleaning the house, making certain bills would be paid because I thought we'd forget. I had an appointment that day, the doctor said all was well and that he'd see me later that night (midnight). My husband came home early to help me out; we finished packing (I think we thought we were moving into the hospital for a month). The last thing that I packed was her outfit - a blue puppy dog outfit and two receiving blankets, one with lambs and the other with bears. Those bottles that I had purchased - my first purchase, had now been sterilized and were sitting on the counter lined up and ready to go. In all that time that day, I never did one important thing, a kick count.
We made our way to the hospital that night and up to Labor and delivery. I was nervous, I remember thinking that these would be the last moments my husband and I had together alone. It had been only the two of us for 10 years - I had been an only child and wondered if I'd be okay sharing him. We were taken to our room and I changed, I remember not wanted to sit on the bed for some reason. The nurse came in and I signed some things. She told me to lie down so that she could strap the monitors on me. She had a hard time finding the heartbeat and I thought, she must be new. She told us to wait so that she could bring someone in to assist her&#8230;I glanced over and saw the worry on my husband's face. I told him not to worry, that Violet was just hiding on us and being shy&#8230;and that the nurse probably didn't know what she was doing. One nurse came in, and then another, and then their supervisor. They told us that there was a doctor from my doctor's practice and that she would come in and do an ultrasound.
We waited for ages - 2 hours passed. When the doctor arrived she explained what she would be doing. She pressed down firmly on my belly and slid the wand over my skin. At first I watched the monitor, but, not knowing what I was seeing, I decided to watch her. She shook her head, once and then twice and then looked at me and said, "This is the baby, and this is where her heartbeat she be, there is none. Sometime between your appointment yesterday and tonight the baby passed away." It was almost as if I didn't know what she had just said to me. It was as if I was spinning, falling and finally I had hit the ground - and I screamed, "What!" I looked at my husband and wailed. I'm not even certain that it had hit him yet, he was more concerned for me. I just kept saying, "I killed her, I killed her, I killed her." I was inconsolable. Right there in that moment and for several hours after that I wanted to step out in front of a truck or a train&#8230;I wanted to die. It was surreal, but, not. I was awake, but was in a nightmare. And then after several moments my husband let out this sound and almost fell to the floor, it had hit him. I moved over in that tiny bed and we lay there together. I called his mother so that he could have someone to comfort him - because I could not. My doctor arrived and tried to comfort us, but all I kept saying is "I don't understand&#8230;she was fine yesterday&#8230;I killed her&#8230;I could have had the c-section and I didn't." He and everyone else tried to assure me that this wasn't my fault, that I couldn't have prevented it&#8230;but, the fact was, she was alive the day the c-section was to take place and now she wasn't. I was the only person making the final decision and I chose not to. No one understood that, except my husband. He didn't blame me&#8230;but, we had made our decision ahead of time. My mother-in-law kept saying things like, "You'll have other children" I screamed, "I don't want other children, I want her!" I decided to induce and not have a c-section because I didn't want the scar and recovery to remind me of what we could no longer have.
The nurses were wonderful in terms of giving me whatever drugs I wanted&#8230;all I wanted was to be knocked out. What most people didn't and still don't understand is that it's easier to be unconscious than it is to deal. When I'm awake, I think of her. She's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing that I think about at night. For the next several hours I was in and out of sleep until it was time to push. I remember being amazed at how little effort it took to deliver a child. She'd be crying and giving all the staff a hard time, but she'd be okay. I was wrong&#8230;that never happened. I remember the doctor saying she had a pretty face. Whenever I was conscious, I kept one thought in my head, that they had made a mistake. She would come out and show them that they were all wrong. I waited for cries that never came. I yelled that I wanted and needed to hold her&#8230;I needed to see her just once.
They took her away somewhere and within the hour they returned. They wanted to make a handprint memento&#8230;I didn't want to do it, emotionally, I just couldn't bear it. My husband volunteered but they discovered that his hand was to big&#8230;out of all of the horrible things that day, that's what hurt him the most, he couldn't do or give this one thing to his little girl. I ended up doing it. They finally handed her to me; I remember how heavy she was and wondered how this 7lb. 9oz baby could be so heavy. I looked at her&#8230;for several moments and just wept. She looked as if she were sleeping&#8230;so deeply, so peacefully. I looked under the hat they placed on her head and she had this head full of black wavy hair&#8230;like mine. She was bundled so tightly, I didn't want to wake her up&#8230;disturb her and then the nurses told me that I could look at her hands and feet if I wanted. Under her pink blankets she wore a pink t-shirt, I gently pulled the blanket back from her arm and touched it&#8230;and realized that she wasn't asleep&#8230;she was so cold. I just couldn't hold her anymore. Her father held her for several moments and just stared at her&#8230;something that I could no longer do. When they took her away&#8230;that was it, we didn't have our little girl anymore&#8230;she was gone. I had nothing.
The difficult questions came, autopsy or no autopsy. The local funeral home did free cremations for "situations" such as ours. We agreed and let my mother-in-law handle the little arrangements that needed to be made. It amazed me that, at least in my family, when something like this happens - people want to be angry and yell and sue and demand answers. All we wanted was our baby&#8230;we didn't want to sue, we didn't want an autopsy because she had suffered enough. None of that was bringing her back to us. We wanted a little peace.
I wanted out of the hospital and waited hours to be discharged. During my stay all I could hear was the heartbeat of all of the babies about to be born on both sides of my room; it was as if I were in some sort of sick version of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Tell Tale Heart". All of the nurses said that I could stay if I wanted to, but how could I do that? I asked my mother-in-law if she could take all of Violet's things and put them in her room - I couldn't bear to look at them. I got dressed and waited for my doctor to answer questions, apparently he had heard that my mother was angry and wanted to have a long conversation with him (via the nurses, via my mother-in-law). He was a little defensive understandably but, compassionate and wrote me a few prescriptions (hydrocodone, ibuprofen and some sleep medication). Before we left I asked the nurse if she could give someone the keepsake/photo book and the "What to Expect in the First Year" book I had purchased for Violet. She asked, "Are you sure you don't want it, it's hers" I just said, "Please just give it to someone who can use it, so that they can fill it with happy memories." She started crying and said, "It's just not right." I felt bad for this woman who had taken care of me like my own mother would have. All I could say is, "Please don't cry."
As she wheeled me out of the room I felt the eyes of all of the staff on me as we left. I was given a box that contained Violet's blankets and her bracelets (hospital ID). All I could say is, "You're right, this isn't right, all of these mothers get to leave with their babies and it's the happiest day of their lives, all I leave with is a box." We came home to an empty house and I just cried and walked around like a zombie, took my medication and my husband and I passed out from grief.
The next morning, he was still asleep and I called my best friend back east and crept into the garage. I wailed, screamed and just let it out. She said the first smart thing anyone could say, "I don't know what to say." It's the smartest and best thing to say. She didn't know what we were going through, she didn't pretend&#8230;she knew we wanted this baby and she didn't know what to say or do.
My mother came later that day and tried to comfort me, but, it just made me angry. She didn't understand. I think back and I so regret those weeks of hurting her feelings and being angry at her for not being able to make this better. I told her that the only thing that could make this situation better is if the hospital called and said, "We're sorry, but there's been a mistake, Violet is okay and we'll be bringing her over in 5 minutes." That is the only perfect thing anyone can say. We had all sorts of support that we never thought we'd get. All the while I kept mumbling, "I don't understand." Over the next week we had to finalize arrangements, my mother-in-law had arranged for a service and told everyone. We didn't want a service; we told her and everyone else that. So, I took over from there. I wasn't giving God or anyone else reverence for this. The Almighty had taken enough from us. If you think back to all the worst possible things that can happen to a person, this is the worst. We couldn't think of one reason that this happened. What could God possibly be teaching us? What reason could the Almighty have for taking her from us? Was it to humble us? Was there something that we were to atone for? No, we were going to do things our way; we were going to keep this one thing sacred and holy to us the people that loved her the most. One thing is certain, for the rest of my life I'll despise Easter and Passover. We went to the funeral home and chose an urn. It was something that Michael wanted to choose, this is the one thing that he could do for her that he couldn't in the hospital. I let him give her this one thing. I remember having to have to bring something that we wanted to have cremated with her. I decided to bring the outfit she would have worn home and her blankets; it was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. I kept imagining her being scared and alone in a strange place. I felt that I had abandoned her.
The next few weeks were brutal, and I knew then that I had to have another baby&#8230;the despair; the aching emptiness that I felt and still feel is unbearable. I want and need to feel that joy and excitement once again. Unfortunately, all of those firsts that we had are gone. We'll never have the peace of mind that we had. We'll never be able to just enjoy any subsequent pregnancies&#8230;all of that is gone for us.
I just don't understand why, it's all so stupid and bizarre and cruel. Why can't we have the gold at the end of the rainbow? Why is it that everyone and their dog are having babies? Every celebrity, the waitresses at the local restaurant&#8230;even people that don't care about themselves, let alone their unborn children, why do they get to experience that happiness and why is it unattainable for us. The hardest thing for me is to look at my husband and realize that he isn't staring at me because he thinks I'm beautiful - but because when he looks at me, he sees her. I'm a constant painful reminder of what he can not ever have. I can't do anything for him except try again and give him something that's not a replacement, but, something just as beautiful.


----------



## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet Violet....







:


----------



## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that it had such a sad ending for you. I hope sharing your story helps at least a little. I truly, truly believe that babies feel our love even inside our wombs, so I'm sure little Violet could feel how much you cared for her. {{hugs}}


----------



## butterfly_mom (Sep 8, 2005)

I'm so sorry to hear about your baby Violet. I know and understand how you feel. My daughter was stillborn 27 August 2005 and there are things that I didn't do and will always regret until the day I die. I feel guilty and feel like it is my fault. Those feelings were intense days, weeks, and months after her passing. They are still around but creep up now and then.

I know my child never felt pain because she was in my womb, her home. She felt love and knew she was loved. I hope you take comfort in knowing that your daughter Violet knew how much you and your husband cared for her and most importantly loved her and still continue to do so this day.

Hugs to you and your family.


----------



## cfiddlinmama (May 9, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Please don't blame yourself. You did what you thought best. I am crying for you & your husband. Prayers. Clara


----------



## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

mercyrus,
i am so sorry you have lost your most beloved daughter. violet is such a beautiful name. you are obviously a wonderful and loving, devoted mother to her, and you have indeed fulfilled your childhood dream of becoming a mother. it is the most incredibly hard thing to be a mother to a child who has died- a challenge that no one should have to experience, but so many do. there are many moms here who have lost their babies in the same unexplainable way that you and your husband have. you are not alone, and you are amongst women who will understand and feel the same pain as you are now. reading your words was like reliving my own memories. we lost our daughter coral last year on march 21st- 6 days before an early easter. it was like a sarcastic slap in the face, being at our daughter's 'wake' on good friday- knowing that coral would not rise from the dead. it was horrible. i feel your pain and loss like it is my own.

i don't think there is anything to make anything any better, except exactly what you said, that someone would call and tell you it isn't true, and violet will be brought to you in just a few moments. it is a nightmare. the one thing that saved me was understanding and holding tight to me the great love that i have for my daughter. it is part of my core. i hope that the love you have for violet will carry you through each day as it passes by. somehow 400 or some odd days have come and gone and i am still here, i still love my daughter, and that love grows more complex and complete with each passing day. she continues to be the first thing i think of when i awake, and the last thing i think of when i sleep, and she is in my dreams. she is a part of me, and this gives me comfort. i will never understand why a woman would ever have to know the reality of stillbirth. some people say that in the past, it happened more often and it was a part of daily life- but i cannot relate to that. losing a baby that you are so ready to hold and raise and love and devote your life to, how can that ever be normal?

do you have any outside support for this? do you attend any support groups, or are you seeing a grief therapist or counselor? i found that i needed that extra support and receiving it was a life-line for me. this forum was also such a relief for me to find. knowing that i was not alone in this horrible catastrophe was very important, because i felt so alone.

much love to you...


----------



## mercyrus (May 16, 2006)

I was seeing a therapist prior to conceiving Violet. I just feel if I were to return she'd give me the standard Grief Counseling. I know that there is a support group at that hospital, but, I can't go back there...just yet. I know it seems as if I'm making excuses and perhaps I am - but, I haven't been able to look up the term stillbirth...let alone say it out loud. It still doesn't seem real to me. I don't know. I've purchased a couple of books, they're due to come in tomorrow. I don't even know what i'm doing...trying to have a baby this quickly is probably the dumbest thing in the world and I know i'm only doing it for myself...but, i'm human - and that's what I feel I need and want. And after typing all of that out, I realize that it was completely insensitive to say considering your loss. You see? I'm so wrapped up in my own grief, I can't even see someone elses. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for you and all of the other mothers on here that have suffered the same cruel, stupid fate. I just don't understand. I don't.


----------



## babygrant (Mar 10, 2005)

I'm so sorry


----------



## BethanyB (Nov 12, 2005)

Mercyrus- *HUGE* hug to you. It's been about seven months since our son died. Different situation than yours, but there are many similarities also. Long story short, he was our first child, after dh and I had been together for 14 years. My pg was very normal until week 37. My doc thought my amniotic fluid might be low (not a big deal) so she ordered an u/s (the *third* u/s I had had; the u/s tech didn't see anything wrong with the first two (!). We found out that Quinn had a heart defect. It was later diagnosed as trisomy 13 (meaning he had three #13 chromosomes instead of two). Basically, with the exception of a few cases, trisomy 13 is a death sentence. I was induced the following week, although all I wanted was to be knocked out completely and be done with it. Going through labor knowing my child would not live is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We had 35 hours with Quinn, and of course I am thankful for every moment...I realize what some people would give for that. But spending that time with him and having to watch him die...I got pg again nine weeks later. Had a m/c at 6 1/2 weeks. Now I am waiting until July to ttc again.
I feel bitter, angry, and miserable every day, and have since Quinn died. I also manage to have good days. I do not personally believe that there is some lesson that I am suppose to learn from this. I simply think that sh*t happens, and unfortunately sh*t has happened to you, me, and every other woman on this forum. Is it fair? Did "God" or whoever do this for a reason? If so, I don't want to have anything to do with him/her/it. I don't know why this burden has been placed on us here. I ask _why_ every day. Bottom line, I don't think there are any answers. I think the choice is, you either go on with your life or you don't. You either try to go forward with any hope you can muster, or you live in fear and anger the rest of your life. When I ttc again, I will be scared sh*tless. Every u/s, amnio, or whatever other test I get pushed into having will be _hell_ on me. My next pg will never be the joyous, carefree, baby-shower-having pg I had with Quinn, but I think it's worth another shot if, at the end, I will finally have a healthy baby.
One more thing, Mercyrus, you never need to apologize for any feelings you have here, even if they are harsh. You have just been through the worst experience you (hopefully) will ever go through in your life. There is no need to apologize for the feelings you have; we have all had similar feelings here. You are among women who understand. Please feel free to call upon us whenever you need to vent or talk.
Much love to you-


----------



## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I am so sorry.

My son died last year several days after being born. Its a hard road.








Violet


----------



## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I'm also am sorry to hear about baby Violet. I lost my daughter, Alexis 2 weeks ago Thursday and it was the hardest thing that I had to go through in my life. Your story sounds alot like mine. We had a doc appt on Monday, she passed away sometime Wednesday, its frustrating. She was delivered the following morning. I also know your feeling of angriness and feeling its not fair. Right after we heard the news of Alexis passing away, we heard another baby cry as it was being born. It crushed my world to know that I'd never hear her cry. Like you, I wanted to be drugged. I knew that I couldn't handle seeing her born not alive. Getting discharged killed me. I was angry. I wasn't being wheeled out to my car with a baby in my arms. My arms were empty. Alexis, like violet, was also given a box. A purple box with a satin tie with her id bands, footprints, locks of hair and blankets. Thats all I had. I was angry when I left. And I took it out on my husband. I still don't know why. I hated going home looking at the nursery we planned for her. We are coping with her passing and I hope things get better for you. Alot of people focus on when they can have a baby physically which is important, but also make sure you're healed mentally. that is so important. losing a baby is absolutely devasting to parents , especially us moms whove carried and nutured them since the beginning. Goodluck to you and you guys are in my prayers.


----------



## StrongSingleMama (Jul 18, 2005)

I am so sorry...


----------



## Nkenga (Dec 11, 2005)

I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter, Violet. Everthing you said in your post, I think all of us who have gone through something similar can relate to - what did I do wrong? Why me? They've made a mistake - my baby's fine. I should have done this, that, the other. I know I've said those things to myself so many times, especially in the weeks after Jon's death.

Know this - you did everything you knew to do to keep your baby safe. You did everything you could to make the best decisions for your baby. If there had been ANY way to know this could have happened, you would have done ANYTHING in your power to have prevented it. I have to tell myself that at least once a week, sometimes more often. We did the best we knew how - but, we don't have control over life and death, as much as we'd like to.

I am so so sorry.


----------



## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

Hi mama,

I just wanted to say how sorry about your daughter Violet, and to not be sorry about any of it, even though it is easier said than done. It is natural to want to have another after going through such a tragedy. Some would rather wait to have another, while others try right away. Don't feel sorry for anything you feel. You have had a horrible tragedy, that shouldn't happen to any of us, but unfortunately it does. You have a right to feel angry, sad, mad, and everything else you feel...

Please try to take care of yourself,
Love,
Mary


----------



## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

I am so very sorry for your loss.









Please don't apologize for anything that you feel. Your feelings are yours and you need to feel them completely and deeply. Give yourself lots of time and space to grieve as you need to.

I too struggled (as many mamas do) with feelings of guilt over the death of my daughter. Those feelings are also normal, but that does not make them any less terrible. I would also encourage you to find someone to talk to. A friend, a grief counselor, someone.








Violet


----------



## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so very sorry. It isn't fair. After my daughter Arawyn was stillborn I can remember crying at the kitchen table. I remember saying over and over "I want my baby back" like a child crying for a lost toy. It sounded stupid to me, even in my head, but that was all I had left to say. It was the only thing that explained how I felt. You are not alone. We are all here for you.


----------



## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

s mama. Unfortunately, we all know what you're feeling and let me tell you that none of your feelings are bad or unnatural. Grief is a powerful thing and it makes us think like we're losing our minds at times, but if it's a comfort, there are mamas here who have experienced everything you're experiencing and I can tell you, it gets easier.

My dd, Reagan, was stillborn @ 37 weeks on Aug. 29th of last year. I have had the same guilt feelings as you. My daughter was alive one minute and gone the next. What could I have done differently? I ask myself that question every single day. In our case we know why she was stillborn (abruptio placenta), but there are circumstances surrounding her death that we don't know "why."

I know how bad the longing is for another baby. I got pg quickly after we lost Reagan (we tried almost 2 yrs. for her) and lost that pregnancy too. Be gentle on yourself.







s Your heart will tell you when another baby is right. I'm so sorry for your loss of Violet. Just know that you have a forum full of mamas who have experienced what you are feeling. You're not alone.








Violet


----------



## Mearaina (May 3, 2005)

I am so sorry.


----------



## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I am so sorry.


----------



## EVC (Jan 29, 2006)

I am so sorry.


----------



## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

mercyrus,

I couldn't read this post and not respond. Our beautiful perfect Jacob died when I was 8 cm in labor 7 years ago ... and my words aren't coming out the way I want them to right now, but just to know you are not alone.

Our beautiful, perfect son Noah was born 1 year and 2 days after Jacob. We didn't wait, we couldn't, but everyone's journey is different.

Right after Jacob was born was such a dim, foggy, horrible time for me - I wish for you all the love and support you don't quite even know you need and that time will be gentle with you and your DH. A very valuable insight for me was that men and women grieve differently, and that even though my DH wasn't openly mourning, he was still hurting inside. Our loss brought us closer together, may that happen for you two, also.

be gentle with yourself,

Barbara


----------



## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful precious Violet. I have lost two babies, one to a m/c and one last year to a stillborn daughter. She too was here on a Monday and gone by teh next day or day after. We found out when we went in for a version. They couldn't find the heartbeat either and that's how we knew.

You already know how incredibly painful this experience is. It's like a roller coaster ride from hell that no one is letting you off of. The guilt is normal, the screaming is normal, everything you said is normal. Even after a year, I still find myself crying and saying that I want my baby back.

It may be too soon for you to hear this, but the intensity will calm down little by little. But in the meantime, you need to feel everything you are feeling. You can't avoid it. You need to wak right through the pain. I hope you have some good supporting people surrounding you. Keep up communication with your husband. We are all here for you when you need us.

You mentioned that you ordered some books. One great one is Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. Another is A Father's Story. Both can be found on a great website - http://www.aplacetoremember.com

Please come back and let us know how you are doing. I will be thinking of you.


----------



## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your Violet. I am so very sorry.

Long, strong







to you.








Violet


----------



## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

I am so, so, sorry that you and your DH lost Violet.


----------



## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

I am so sorry.. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now but I wanted to say that I'm so sorry for what has happaned to you. Nobody should ever have to go through what you've gone through


----------



## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I am so sorry your daughter, Violet let this earth. I hope that you find peace. Be gentle on yourself. MDC Mama's are wonderful support. Keep posting here. What was her birthday? Hugs & Love.


----------



## Plady (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry.
This is the hardest thing, the cruelest. I am not at peace about my daughter Wendy either but I do take quite a lot of comfort in the belief that I will meet her again one day. You will meet Violet too, she will always be your daughter and you will always be her mommy.

This is a good place when you need support, don't forget to come here when you need to.


----------



## BCmamaof6 (Sep 7, 2004)

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby


----------



## isaiahsmommy05 (Jul 1, 2005)

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Violet.









My son Isaiah passed away last March at 33 weeks due to placental abruption. I was in the hospital with bleeding and preterm labor the day before while he was still alive and they sent me home and he died the next morning.


----------



## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. The first year is very hard usually so take gentle care of yourself. I understand your need to have another one. Of course a new baby would never replace Violet! A new baby would be a gift in its own right. Don't feel bad for wanting to try again.

~Kathy


----------



## cornflower_3 (Jan 15, 2006)

*


----------



## rhlheckle (Mar 19, 2006)

I read your story and it brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you have to miss Violet and do not have her with you right now. I lost my daughter Maris on July 15 last year. It is almost the 1 year anniversary. I am pregnant again.

I can't tell you that the words you wrote, how I know EXACTLY how you feel. I said the EXACT sentence that you said, verbatum, about coming home from the hospital with a box. And oh how I wanted her cremated body home with us, as that is where she belongs. The worst day of my life, coming home with a little urn full of my baby's ashes instead of being able to hold her, feed her, love her, all of the things she deserved.

I am not going to try to talk to out of wishing you had got the c section. I wish that you had too. But I will tell you, that if my baby had turned head down, there is no way on earth I would have chose to go ahead and have the surgery. That is not the responsible answer to that question at that time. But if only... if only you had known. If only she hadn't turned. How I wish I could turn back the time for you to that moment, and know that it would all be better.

I miss my daughter so much, and people are STILL saying the wrong things. I wish that I could say it gets better. And the lack of support throughout this pregnancy is atrocious. It is not easy, I won't lie. But the worst part is that nobody "gets" it. I am so sick an [email protected]$$Fing tired of people saying "oh everything will be ok" when I express any concern at all. Give me a break. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Do they think I am stupid, and just "forgot" what happened last time and what could happen again?

I hope that Violet and Maris are playing together somewhere.


----------



## Mama8 (Mar 6, 2006)

I am so sorry that Violet died. My son Christian died 26 months ago. He was born with HLHS a heart defect. He was 4 months and 1 week old when he died. My arms still physically ache to hold him sometimes. I went through a big period of being so pissed off at God for taking him from us. Honestly it has been a huge trail of my faith. I still question what could I possible learn from this that I couldn't have learned another way and still have that precious boy here with his sisters I and his daddy. I know the only thing that would bring any real comfort is to have Violet put in your arms alive and breathing right now. I can't offer you much more than tears for Violet you and your husband and an understanding heart that grieves too.


----------



## Catrinel (Jul 18, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss of your daughter Violet. This is a devastating experience and where you are right now you can't imagine you'll ever be truly happy again. It is not fair for you and your DH that this has happened and it is not fair for that little life that was taken away from her family, Violet.


----------



## KayleeZoo (Apr 8, 2003)

I am so very sorry for your and your dh's loss


----------



## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

mercyrus,
i am wonderng how you are doing. you havn't been far from my thoughts. i hope you are alright.


----------



## clavicula (Apr 10, 2005)

sorry, mama!


----------



## mommyofannaisaac (Jun 6, 2006)

I know exactly what you mean about your biggest regret being turning down a c-section. my story is on here under the title "my son shouldn't have died" I am so sorry for your loss of violet and i know that nothing i say will take away the hurt. The only thing that has kept me through this terrible time is God, my husband, & my little girl. I still cry everyday, but I know that it is okay to cry. i don't know about you but i find myself praying often for
God to give my little Isaac and hug and tell him that mommy loves him.


----------



## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

There are no words other than I am very, very, sorry. And crying.


----------

