# Blown away by grief today



## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

I posted a long time ago about the stillbirth of my daughter, Carina Grace, at between 21-23 weeks gestation, and the emergency hysterectomy that I had to have right after. I haven't posted much as I've been running as hard as I could from all of my feelings. Trying not to deal with it because I am so afraid that it will overwhelm me. Today it was thrown in my face and it hurt so badly.

My DH had gotten a gigantic tv from a neighbor and called a friend to come help him move stuff. I knew his friend's girlfriend was pregnant, but had never met her and wasn't even thinking that she might come over. She did. She is due on the same date I was, with a little girl. It hurt so badly to hear her talking. It is her first child and I certainly didn't want to rain on her joy, but to hear her talking just sent knives stabbing through my heart. And every time I see a newborn, or a very pregnant lady, my heart hurts and my arms ache to hold my daughter.

I haven't really dealt with any of it, haven't even done the memorial service like I was planning on. Mainly because I really don't want to part with her ashes. It makes it way too real and I feel like I am abandoning my daughter. However, I have been getting progressively more unhappy with my life, and it is because I haven't dealt with it. I wrote quite a bit about it in my journal in the beginning, and saw a counselor a few times. I went into such a dark place that I stopped, and I have been running as fast and as far away from it since then. Rationally, I know that pretending it never happened is a disservice to Carina, and is an abandonment of her, but I can't not function. I have three living children to take care of, and going into that dark place is not an option for me at this point.

My question to you wise ladies is how do I deal? How do I go on in life in a healthy manner? How do I not go to that dark place again?


----------



## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your pain is evident throughout your post.

How do you deal? As best as you can. Take it minute by minute if day by day is too much. Don't worry about getting through the next week-just get through now. And while the hurt will never go away, it will lessen and become tolerable.

Enlist the help of family, friends, god/goddesses/higher power/whatever it is you believe in if anything, the community, support/bereavement groups, etc.

Can you have a service for her but still keep her ashes? That way you have the closure (sort of), and you can let go of her while still holding on. You're not abandoning her. If I may express my personal views, I believe your baby (and all babies) had/has a spirit, a spirit wiser and more pure than any human can be. I think that Carina Grace's spirit would want her mama to find joy in her family. The family that is here on earth (your other children), and the family that cannot be here (Carina Grace). I don't think a baby's spirit would view this as abandonment. If it's too hard for you to focus on her today, don't. There is no shame in distracting yourself from the pain.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense to you, or if it helps or hurts (I hope the former), but I wish you and your family the best during this hard time.

Hugs,
Kelly


----------



## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through....









Please be gentle with yourself. Cut yourself a lot of slack. It is ok to feel all your are feeling and to want to hold on and grieve, or to run away. Be sure you are eating well, this can affect your psyche. take things easy especially during this hectic holiday season.

You can find a way to work your grief out. The book "Swallowed by a snake" helped me a lot. It talks about masculine healing, which seemed to be what I leaned towards. In there are suggestions on dealing with grief. An example I remember is an Indian tradition (I think Cherokee?) of going to a forest, finding a tree, asking for permission, and stripping off a piece of bark. That action is like how you feel, your heart ripping. The tree will bleed, and then it will heal. the Indian returns periodically to the tree and as the tree heals, so does his heart. You can find someone to take a walk with you to do this. and accompany you (in silence, if you wish) to take a walk to visit the tree at intervals you like- weekly, monthly, etc. I think this will be very healing, Nature can show us many wise things we need to know.

Other ideas include doing something with your hands, like wood-carving, knitting, etc. Writing was a big outlet for me. Write letters to your precious Carina Grace. Make her something, if you wish.

I think, that dark place, is always there, and sometimes we need darkness in order to find light, to see the brightest stars. It could also be seasonal... this season of long nights, when beings find darkness, rest, death, intense ponderings. But after darkness there is light.

I wish you much strength, peace and hope. Please know that you are not alone.


----------



## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

Thank you for your thoughts. All of your suggestions were great. I'm just not sure what feels "right" for me anymore. I can't let go but I can't keep holding on so tightly.....if that makes any sense.

It is so hard to find time to grieve properly. It seems like the majority of my time is spent just meeting my living children's needs and my Dh's needs. I think it is time to do some sort of retreat weekend (not that we can afford an actual retreat, but I can make do with a weekend at a friend's house with no distractions). Maybe that will help me sort things out a bit.

Thanks again. There are times when the darkness is so deep, I forget that there is still light out there.


----------



## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

I am so deeply sorry to hear what you've been through. I think what works for each of us is maybe a bit different, but we're all trying to be whole again. I have come to realize that there will always be a part of my soul, and my heart, that is invested in this child and this loss, and that's ok. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what has worked for me or is starting to work for me.
I didn't like that the few photos I had of my son and the ultrasound I had done at 8 weeks, that the hospital papers we had and stuff---it drove me mad that it was just a stack of papers. So we got a scrapbook, and put these memories into a meaningful order and will have that to remember him by. He was beginning to be reduced to a stack of papers, and that made me very upset. I took some of the flowers sent to us and dried them to include them in the book. I also kept the cards people sent and included them. The hospital gave us a heartshaped memory box with an outfit they put him in and a blanket and stuff like that, and we keep it up on one of our bookshelves in the living room. next to that is Michael. We had him cremated and I am glad to have him home. We do plan on planting a tree and placing his remains under it in the spring. We were given an angel of Hope by the nurse who helped us, and she is up there also. In the new year, I will begin knitting and crocheting burial gowns, or clothes for still babies, and perhaps prayer shawls for the mothers of these babies. The clothes we were given that he was photographed in were an amazing instrument of grief for both of us, a tool to grieve through, and to pass that gift on to another grieving family would be very helpful for me, so that is what I plan on doing.

May you find peace with time, may you find love in your family and please, know that you are not alone.


----------



## labortrials (Aug 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamWeaver* 
An example I remember is an Indian tradition (I think Cherokee?) of going to a forest, finding a tree, asking for permission, and stripping off a piece of bark. That action is like how you feel, your heart ripping. The tree will bleed, and then it will heal. the Indian returns periodically to the tree and as the tree heals, so does his heart. You can find someone to take a walk with you to do this. and accompany you (in silence, if you wish) to take a walk to visit the tree at intervals you like- weekly, monthly, etc. I think this will be very healing, Nature can show us many wise things we need to know.

Great suggestions, DreamWeaver. I'm going to do that tree thing when I get a chance.

Eclipse, I can only imagine what you are dealing with. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you, and I hope you are able to find a path in this grief. I know you'll never be free of it, but I hope you can release some of the pain. You might check out the birth trauma webinar through http://www.consciouswoman.org/2007/0...al-health-care (level 1 would be appropriate).








Kimberly


----------



## mountainmummy (Sep 12, 2007)

I'm so sorry for you. You sound so pained, and it's just all too familiar. I too, often run from the pain, because it seems easier than facing it head on. One thing I've realized is that the anticipation of a grief outburst is often worse than the actual experience. So if you sort of invite the pain, the tears, and the memories (the good ones too from pregnancy), it's almost comforting in a way. I know, it sounds pretty absurd, but what I will do, is light a candle for her (sometimes her memorial candle, sometimes not), get her album out (if you don't have this, something you remember her by, like clothing/blanket etc, sorry I don't know your unique story), play some sad music and let the tears come. I cry, sob even, and talk to her. I feel her pictures, her blanket, rock her urn in my arms, and 'let it all out'. Sometimes it takes 15 minutes, sometimes an hour or two. Either way, when I'm done, I feel absolutely exhausted, but I also feel lightened. Like the horrible weight of the grief has lifted slightly. I know it will come back again, and I'll have to deal with it again, but tonight, I got through it. I try to make time to do this, especially if I can feel it coming a few days in a row. I know I can't run forever, so I make a 'date' with myself to spend some time with my daughter, usually privately, but dh is always welcome. This time is sort of a bonding time for Isla and me. As sad as it is, it's all I have with her. Can you try to turn these periods into something like that for you? Where you see those sad times as also happy times of memory, and bonding and connecting with your daughter's memory and spirit? I hope I haven't rambled on, or said anything to offend you. I know how awful it is to have the grief slither around behind you all day, every day, and trying to outrun it.. thing is, it always comes back. Giving in to the pain once in a while may not be as full of despair as you think, if you can see it as a time to connect with your daughter, and honor her.
My thoughts go out to you. It's so damn hard.







:


----------

