# In lieu of gifts...



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

A few ettiquette questions.

1. If I put on ds's b-day invites "your presence is your present," should I expect that some people will still bring gifts? I want people to bring gifts if they want to, but I don't want people to feel that they have to. I wouldn't want anyone to not come just because they can't afford a gift, or because they don't have time to buy something. I'm inviting his classmates, and for prior b-days I've only invited close friends.

If I do say "your presence is your present," how do I deal with the gift opening?

2. Ds's friend is having a b-day party. The e-mail invite (I think she's only inviting close friends, so no formal invites) says "in lieu of gifts the children will donate 1/2 to XYZ charity."*
I was a little confused about what it meant, as in the way it is it sounds like there is an expectation of money. I asked, and sure enough, that's the deal.
This seems a little presumptuous to me. Am I overthinking it? (I don't mind giving money, and I agree with the mom's general idea behind it, but still).

*It says "the children" because both the friend and his sister are celebrating their b-day together (even though the sister's b-day is months away).


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

IMO, "your presence is your present" is a great way to invite without the expectation of a gift. I have used this, and yes, some people still bring gifts. I have also received similar invites, and I sometimes bring gifts. Depends. If it is a general class party, then I won't bring a gift. If it is DS or DDs best friend, or the parent is a good friend of mine and we see their kids a lot... then I may bring a present.

"In lieu of gifts, please donate to XYZ..." that depends a lot on how it is worded. If the expectation / wording is that I am really expected to donate to XYZ foundation, then that is pushy and rude. If the expectation is that a donation to XYZ foundation would be nice, but a gift would also be OK, or just being there would be OK - then that would be totally fine, IMO. Then if I liked XYZ, I might make a donation. If not, I would not feel forced to give to XYZ.


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## neveryoumindthere (Mar 21, 2003)

with the gift opening, I would just not do it. I'd leave the gifts aside, unseen, and just go about our day. After all teh guests have left, I'd let my kid open them and then have them do thank you cards or something later on.


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## BarefootGirl (Aug 5, 2009)

I think that asking for money is tacky, whether the child is going to donate half or all of it or not. The donating half part sounds like a way to try to make it okay to ask for money.

I think it would be okay for a relative or family friend to spread word if the child's parents are hoping for monetary gifts to put towards a special expensive toy, trip, membership, etc, but I don't think it should be on the invite. Also, if they truly just want donations to their charity, they could let the attendees contribute directly instead of gifting the money to be contributed. If it were a charity I didn't want to contribute to (like if I thought the organization was corrupt or something) I'd rather just give a gift anyway.

JMO.


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## maddymama (Jan 5, 2008)

As a pp wrote, with the "Your presence is present enough" some people will still bring gifts. When that's happened, we don't open them during the party bc we don't want anyone who did not bring a gift to feel bad. We opened them later, and sent a nice thank you note.
~maddymama


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Good idea about not opening any gifts at all, but sending a thank you note. That's what we'll do, in case we get any gifts









As far as asking for money instead of gifts, it actually makes my life easier because I don't have to shop for gifts. And I get what the mom is trying to do. It doesn't bother me personally, but still...it struck me as socially inappropriate. Glad I wasn't off base!


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## wookie (Dec 12, 2008)

we did the "presence is present" thing and only one mom brought a gift which we thanked her for. a couple kids brought homemade cards which was great. and some just came, which was great too. it wasn't awkward at all.

i agree with the asking for money being tacky. if you didn't want to donate to xyz for whatever reason, maybe you could take a small token gift? like a book that the kids could share? just a thought...


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

The mom asking for money is weird to me - DD has a friend who had an invite say that in leiu of gifts she was asking everyone to bring an outgrown pair of pajamas to donate. That, I thought was find b/c with four kids we have plenty of old jammies to spare - so I sent a pair of DD's that were too small.

I do think some people will show up with a gift for your party, and I would probably just save them for your DS to open at a later time.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

I think it's weird to ask for money & that's an especially weird way to word it... Maybe she was inviting mostly family & the family tends to give monetary gifts anyway?? I would give money if I liked the charity & could afford it, otherwise I would just bring a regular gift.

I think "your presence is present enough" is fine & some people will still bring gifts, I would have them place them somewhere to be opened after the party and make sure to send thank you notes (around here, bday thank you notes are not customary but in this case I would be sure to do them).


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## ThisCat (Jun 19, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
If I put on ds's b-day invites "your presence is your present," should I expect that some people will still bring gifts?

They might, but I think most people take it as no gifts. When we included "your presence is present enough" on the invites for my daughter's 4th birthday, we got one store-bought gift. The rest of the kids either didn't bring gifts or brought a nice little picture they drew for her or a handmade card. We waited until after the party to open the present and sent a thoughtful thank you note.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
Ds's friend is having a b-day party. The e-mail invite (I think she's only inviting close friends, so no formal invites) says "in lieu of gifts the children will donate 1/2 to XYZ charity."

So they're asking for cash and only donating half of it? I think that seems _really_ presumptuous. The half part is what I find the most icky, but really I don't like the idea of cash donations for a kids party. It just seems kind of cold like a door fee. I think asking for non-cash donations like cat and dog food for a local animal shelter or old clothes to donate to other kids or something along those lines can be kind of nice though. It gets the other children involved and doesn't require much if any money.


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## kristin0713 (Aug 28, 2006)

I wouldn't do the gift opening. I like what you said, it takes the pressure off but does not make people feel obligated to give money or give to a specific charity. And I'll just say it--I think asking for donations to a charity or whatever is extremely tacky. Either say "no gifts please," the presence/present thing, or say nothing at all. Charitable giving is a very personal thing and this whole trend of requesting donations in lieu of gifts really rubs me the wrong way. (Despite the fact that DH and I give a considerable amount of money to charities, ones that we have very specifically chosen and researched and believe wholeheartedly in supporting







)


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## emilysmama (Jun 22, 2005)

This is what I put in my dd's 6th birthday party invitation.

"Do NOT give the birthday girl a gift! Instead, please bring a wrapped book (either new under $7, or used in good condition) that an X year old girl/child would like. Instead of birthday gifts, the children will do a book exchange."

No complaints about tackiness. All the parents loved the idea, and 3 of the parents said that they were going to do it at their own child's next birthday party. The children loved it because each child got to unwrap and bring something home. I don't like the idea of loot bags, so all I did was send each child home with a mylar balloon and their exchanged book, and the kids didn't even notice the lack of a loot bag. It was quick because, after I made sure that no one ended up with the package they had brought, I had all the kids open up the books in one big unwrapping frenzy.

A couple children did end up bringing small gifts for my dd anyway, but those kids are usually very sweet and couldn't imagine not bringing a birthday present. I just told the parents that I hoped it would be okay if we didn't open the present until after going home, and made sure to send a thank you note promptly.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maddymama* 
As a pp wrote, with the "Your presence is present enough" some people will still bring gifts. When that's happened, we don't open them during the party bc we don't want anyone who did not bring a gift to feel bad. We opened them later, and sent a nice thank you note.
~maddymama

Yep, we did this too. Actually we told people instead of bringing a gift, please bring a piece of fruit to add to our fruit salad. (instead of cake we did a giant fruit salad at the beach, with a candle in it, and then topped everyone's bowl with whipped cream and it was a BIG hit)!

Still 2 or 3 ppl brought gifts and it felt kind of awkward but i just said thanks and shoved them in our beach bag....then opened them at home and sent out thank yous.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Kids like to bring gifts to parties. One of my kids favorite things is going to pick out a gift that they think their friend will love. Is your son okay with not getting gifts? I truly do not understand not allowing gifts to be a part of a birthday. What we do is before each birthday and Christmas we have the kids go through their old toys and get rid of a portion to make room for new ones. We donate the old ones to charity. Let kids be kids is my opinion.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

When my daughter had her Sweet 16, she told all who asked that she didn't want gifts for herself, but would appreciate items suitable to donate to a local animal shelter. We included on her invitation "In lieu of personal gifts, XYZ would appreciate items suitable for donation to ABC Animal Shelter."

Her closest friends got her a personal gift, and everyone else donated either pet food, toys, etc.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

His party is now a combo party with a boy from his class. Their b-days are very close, and we thought more kids would come if we did it together- plus sharing the cost is nice. She wanted to do "no gifts" too, so that works.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emilysmama* 
This is what I put in my dd's 6th birthday party invitation.

"Do NOT give the birthday girl a gift! Instead, please bring a wrapped book (either new under $7, or used in good condition) that an X year old girl/child would like. Instead of birthday gifts, the children will do a book exchange."

I love that idea!! I may use it!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
Kids like to bring gifts to parties. One of my kids favorite things is going to pick out a gift that they think their friend will love. Is your son okay with not getting gifts? I truly do not understand not allowing gifts to be a part of a birthday. What we do is before each birthday and Christmas we have the kids go through their old toys and get rid of a portion to make room for new ones. We donate the old ones to charity. Let kids be kids is my opinion.

I get that. Ds would like gifts (but we will be getting him stuff AND we are visiting my family in the states for his actual b-day, and they spoil him rotton







). I just don't want anyone to feel like they *have to* get a gift to come to the party. I'd be ok with "gifts otional" but that seems like it would create even more opening awkwardness.

For me, it's not a "too much stuff" issue, or problems with plastic toys, or anything like that. I just want b-day parties to be about enjoying time with friends and celebrating together, not about "I hope I get lots of toys." kwim? (FWIW, I wanted my baby showers to be no gifts too.)


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## emilysmama (Jun 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
For me, it's not a "too much stuff" issue, or problems with plastic toys, or anything like that. I just want b-day parties to be about enjoying time with friends and celebrating together, not about "I hope I get lots of toys."

I very strongly felt the same way.

Regarding the book exchange:

I didn't do the gifts optional or the presence is present thing, because I don't like to go to celebratory gatherings empty handed either, so I understand that kids like to pick out something for their friend.

I can understand that it won't work for every family, but it worked for mine. My dd was fine with it. She had never had a birthday party before, and wanted one very badly. I felt that if I was going to pay for the expense of the birthday party, then I should be allowed to set some rules, and my rule was that each child gets to receive one present, instead of one child receives many presents. Given the choice between a party with one present per child, and no party at all, my dd was happy with not getting a bunch of gifts. I'm sure that many of you probably think I am a control freak, and perhaps I am at that, but it worked very well for my family.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
For me, it's not a "too much stuff" issue, or problems with plastic toys, or anything like that. I just want b-day parties to be about enjoying time with friends and celebrating together, not about "I hope I get lots of toys." kwim? (FWIW, I wanted my baby showers to be no gifts too.)

I kwym. We did a no-gifts party for DS's 4th because it was getting to the point that whenever someone came to our house, they came bearing a gift for him and it became a problem, as in the first words out of ds's mouth each time someone should up at our house were "did you bring me a present?"

So for his party, I worded in invitations to convey that in gentlest way possible. It worked, only one present and that one was harmless (a basket of cookies that spelled out his name)


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DevaMajka* 
His party is now a combo party with a boy from his class. Their b-days are very close, and we thought more kids would come if we did it together- plus sharing the cost is nice. She wanted to do "no gifts" too, so that works.

I love that idea!! I may use it!

I get that. Ds would like gifts (but we will be getting him stuff AND we are visiting my family in the states for his actual b-day, and they spoil him rotton







). I just don't want anyone to feel like they *have to* get a gift to come to the party. I'd be ok with "gifts otional" but that seems like it would create even more opening awkwardness.

For me, it's not a "too much stuff" issue, or problems with plastic toys, or anything like that. I just want b-day parties to be about enjoying time with friends and celebrating together, not about "I hope I get lots of toys." kwim? (FWIW, I wanted my baby showers to be no gifts too.)

I can respect that, but I hope that as he gets older you will be open to rethinking your opinions on it because it may become important to him to have a birthday party with presents as he gets older. As long as he's cool with it I don't see a problem with it.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Yes, if it becomes important to him, I'm sure we'll do it his way. I'm sure it will happen in the next few years.







As it is, he will have a party with gifts, but it will be the "family" party.


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