# Looking at pictures



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Lately I have the strongest desire to see Micah... I always want to look at his pictures. My sister made me the most beautiful leather bound scrap book of pictures from the day he was born with poems written by my friends and family. I've only looked through it once- it's absolutely georgous but it hurts so bad that as much as I need and want to see him, I can't









When I'm craving him terribly I open the first page and look briefly at the black and white picture of him wrapped up in a blanket. It's one of the few where he really looks alive. Then I usually freak out shaking and crying. I want to look so bad but I find myself avoiding because it is so intensely painful.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I'd say do it anyway. Arm yourself with a box of Kleenex and do it anyway. I had the same reaction and I was afraid that if I didn't see her, I'd get scared of her. Now, I have two pictures of her (large ones!) on the wall and I can go past all the time and smile because she's so gorgeous.

Take your little boy's pictures, sit on the sofa and look through them - it will be painful, you're right - but you do need to do this. It won't destroy you. He's gorgeous and he's still with you and your husband - every time you're together he's there too - he was made from both of you after all. Don't be afraid of him, sweetie - look at him, and if and when you feel ready, share him. Hugs XXX


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

I think I will today. Your post made me cry because I know its right and it's what I need and what my soul has been telling me to do. I love him so much I can't stand it. The crying and the pain is so much more than I feel like I can handle but I know its good. I just miss him and want him so bad that I feel like it's killing me.

Now that the tears are already falling I think I will go change his clothes on the wall and spend a few minutes with his book. Then I will get out the door, buy myself a coffee and go to my friends that is waiting for me and finish crying there with her.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

You cry because you love him. You are a good person - you love him so much! This pain won't kill you - surrender to it. You will come out okay - I promise - I did the same thing and you have to do it to heal. You're a good woman! May the rest of today bring you happy thoughts about how gorgeous Micah was and what a miracle you made - may the rest of today bring you peace and may tomorrow bring you the first little bit of hope. XXX


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

hugs!! you both made me cry. it's good. that's what the pop psych people say anyway. Jayjay I loved what you wrote about seeing your gorgeous daughter's pic on the wall.

I need to do that too. I don't care if anyone else is uncomfy. it's my house.

thanks to the both of you. and specially empathetic hugs to you milky.

Rebecca


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

I send you much peace as you go through those pictures.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

My husband photo shopped a picture of Dresden. He had quite a bit of skin peeling and looked pretty red, so he made him look less red, something we feel more comfortable sharing wtih others.. We are planning on hanging a picture of him with his urn and shadow box in our family room. I could care less if other people feel uncomfortable looking at a dead baby.. it's all we've got and if they don't like it - too bad!








At first I looked at his pictures every single day.. it's hard to look at us holding him, knowing that we never will again. JayJay is right though, it's best to just do it and get all of that raw emotion out! I always feel better after a good cry... music helps me too.. sad music - Josh Groban is the best for crying! We'll always miss our babies, and I'm just so grateful that we live in a time where we have pictures of them and are encouraged to properly grieve for them and miss them and love them.. can you imagine the poor families way back when they didn't do any of this and expected people to move on like their baby didn't just die?


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

My goodness I CAN'T imagine that. Funny you mention music... I'm a musician ( piano/vox) and for the last three years I have done little to nothing after walking away from my music career. The details surrounding why I left were painful so I chose to let it rest for a while....well, I've suddenly started to feel music coming from me and feeling the need to listen to some things that I haven't in a very long time. Surprisingly it was a comfort. Today I drove listening to music and singing. I feel sort of "cleansed" if you will.

I also did spend some time with my Micah. I looked at every photo and cried and cried- it hurt but it felt good like you all said. Then I went to my friends house and cried some more like I said I would. I talked alot too. I truely felt the smallest bit of hope today... I can't say I feel much more than that but to feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING at ALL other than complete despair is taking a new step to somewhere that I haven't been yet in this journey.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Kristie,

I'm so pleased to hear about your tiny flicker of hope today. I embrace those moments when they come - and I try to embrace the rage, the despair and the horror too. I've been reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" ... have you come across it? In it, the author talks about the "quality" of your grief work and how important it is to face the different stages of grief. So, I try not to suppress the horrible emotions (although I confess I do try sometimes - or rather store them for a time when I feel stronger).

We have 2 pictures of Emma in our living room - she died minutes before birth and was still completely pink and healthy looking when I birthed her so her pictures look just like our otherchildren's n/b pictures. I often take one of the picture and cradle her to me when the feeling of loss is so profound it's like a physical ache.

Mama, I'm sorry. I don't mean to take your feelings and make them all about me. I just don't know how to offer any advice in all of this - just empathy. I think that's probably what we all need anyway. I hope your music continues to be a source of comfort to you. I have begun to write again and find a quiet peace in that.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 

Mama, I'm sorry. I don't mean to take your feelings and make them all about me. I just don't know how to offer any advice in all of this - just empathy. I think that's probably what we all need anyway. I hope your music continues to be a source of comfort to you. I have begun to write again and find a quiet peace in that.


I think that all of us are made to feel better by reading what others are going through. You shouldn't worry about taking others feelings and making them about you.. I know for me, reading other peoples thoughts are almost like reading my own! it's amazing how similar things are when you lose a child.. all of us feel and think the same things, no matter how different we are!


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

My dd's picture is up on the wall in my living room, just like my other kids. I got multiple copies of Calliope's photos in color, b&w and sepia. She looks better in color for some and better in the b&w and sepia for others. I like that I can see her picture everyday. Makes me sad, but at least I don't feel like she is forgotten. I think when I had all her pictures tucked away I got scared of forgetting her.

I also carry a wallet size photo of her with me.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
I think that all of us are made to feel better by reading what others are going through. You shouldn't worry about taking others feelings and making them about you.. I know for me, reading other peoples thoughts are almost like reading my own! it's amazing how similar things are when you lose a child.. all of us feel and think the same things, no matter how different we are!

Agreed. I WANT to read exactly that.

I'm going to have some of my favorite pictures fixed up a bit.
By the time I actually allowed the nurse to take him from me to get pictures his little lips were deep red and he had begun to blister pretty bad. I do have some that other people took which are a bit better but even still, he had been gone inside my belly the entire previous day so...


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I used babyangelpics and was not happy at all with what they did. I know a lot of people have great experiences.. but when they were done with the pic it didn't even look like my son! very disturbing! My husband is artistic so he did one, but doing the picture was hard on him.. to have to doctor your own childs picture.. but I'm not totally sure when Dresden died. That fact bothers me..I was pretty sure that I felt him on Sunday - but by the evening it seemed that he hadn't moved for a while, then nothing on Monday and he was born Tuesday 1am... his skin was very delicate - I wish I had gotten him out sooner so we wouldn't have to fix pictures, ya know?







I'm planning on sharing pictures with our family when Shaun's sister comes in for christmas. I think that will help the healing process too.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Pictures - I look at Norah's picture all of the time. I have an album by my bed that we look through and a couple of big pictures on the wall. I have some in color and some in b&w, some are cropped, some are not. I didn't know about the organization "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" when I had Norah but I took a lot of pictures myself. I sent those pictures to one of the photographers in the organization and she fixed some and made me a beautiful movie of the pictures set to music that makes me cry everytime I play it (I have it on all my computers so I can see Norah whenever I want). I used to sit with the pictures a lot. Now I don't do it everyday like I used to but in the early months I felt it was really important to devote time to Norah's memory everyday and to help me work through the healing process...no matter how bad it hurt. I love the pictures around my house. It reminds my family of her and I kind of feel like she is watching over us. So, I agree with everyone else, grab a box of tissues and sit in a comfy chair with the pictures and just let it flow.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I think I will post a thread here in this forum - I PM'd Kristie already but it seems there might be something here I can make myself useful on!


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Is there a place to share montages if we want to? The first night we came home from the hospital, DH sat and made a short montage of several of our pictures (both the ones we took and the ones the professional photographer from the hospital took) set to music he played on the piano. I was so proud of my man for doing such a loving tribute to our daughter and, if other mums felt it was appropriate, I'd like to share it.

I post on a UK loss board and we have a special thread just for this ... memorial sites and montages.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
I think I will post a thread here in this forum - I PM'd Kristie already but it seems there might be something here I can make myself useful on!









You are so wonderful... got your pm.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
Is there a place to share montages if we want to? The first night we came home from the hospital, DH sat and made a short montage of several of our pictures (both the ones we took and the ones the professional photographer from the hospital took) set to music he played on the piano. I was so proud of my man for doing such a loving tribute to our daughter and, if other mums felt it was appropriate, I'd like to share it.

I post on a UK loss board and we have a special thread just for this ... memorial sites and montages.

I would love to see yours and I think a thread would be lovely.


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