# wwyd if your child tried to blackmail you?



## **guest** (Jun 25, 2004)

like in: "if you don't read to me now, i'm going to jump on the bed and won't let anyone sleep." she learned this from DH, who, when dealing with unacceptable behaviour, can't say a sentence without some kind of a condition in it.









we don't use punishments.

i tend to ignore completely, because i feel i can't engage in this kind of a power struggle. but i don't even know how to discuss this when we are in a discussion mood.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Do you and DH both not use punishments? (I can't see how he doesn't if he always attaches a condition.)

Anyway, if AT ALL possible, I would try to diffuse the situation by making it into a joke-- if she says she won't let anyone sleep, you could make it into a crazy story. "Ohh!!! Can you imagine? If we don't sleep, our eyes would get soooooo heavy that we'd have to carry them in our hands! We'd walk around tomorrow like this . . ." (imitate a sleepwalker) I'm sure you can come up with something better, but maybe go the silly route just to end the battle initially.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Could you say, "I don't like threats, could you just tell me what you need and I'll try to work something out with you?"


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## dukeswalker (Feb 1, 2003)

My DD (5yo) tried that a few times - Basically, I told her the truth...That that isn't how we do things in our house...


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## **guest** (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dukeswalker* 
My DD (5yo) tried that a few times - Basically, I told her the truth...That that isn't how we do things in our house...

yeah. this is what i keep telling *DH*. sigh


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## **guest** (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
Could you say, "I don't like threats, could you just tell me what you need and I'll try to work something out with you?"

I can't, because DH models this to her all the time. he is not concious of it. i talked to him many times, he agrees that this is not right, and if anyone uses this kind of language with him, he gets very irritated. and yet he uses it with DD all the time. especially when she is testy, and he is tired. he goes on autopilot.


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## **guest** (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
Do you and DH both not use punishments? (I can't see how he doesn't if he always attaches a condition.)

Anyway, if AT ALL possible, I would try to diffuse the situation by making it into a joke-- if she says she won't let anyone sleep, you could make it into a crazy story. "Ohh!!! Can you imagine? If we don't sleep, our eyes would get soooooo heavy that we'd have to carry them in our hands! We'd walk around tomorrow like this . . ." (imitate a sleepwalker) I'm sure you can come up with something better, but maybe go the silly route just to end the battle initially.


i really like the silly idea. i try doing these, and i've read playful parenting, but this doesn't come naturally to me. so every time someone mentions this, i'm like DOH! of course! thanks. i'm actually getting into a habit of silly difusing, but still need remindes, obviously. they usually work well.

dh is working on not attaching conditions, and i try to difuse it between him and DD, when he is conditional. we don't use punishments as a parenting strategy -- we don't use time outs, or withdrawal of anything, for example. (though of course being conditional IS a withdrawal of love, and DH does get it, but it is too ingrained in him)

when he is tired, and when DD is acting out (usually at the same time, as she wants his attention after she missed him all day, and he is dozing off after dinner) he goes on autopilot, and pretty much every sentence is "if you don't... then..." the then part is often a natural consequence, though not always. like "if you keep whining now, i will be too irritated to read to you", but she is not missing a bit when she is imitating him and uses it back on us.


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## stirringleaf (Mar 16, 2002)

this must be an age thing, too, where they understand *how* to create conditional statements. because my ds is doing this too and it drives me batty. i will watch to make sure i am not being conditional in my speech---it seems difficult though because i often tend to warn him of the natural consequence like " if oyu kick the table, the glass of water might spill" or " if you throw that it might break something"

i also say " if you dont stop using that stick to hurt things and people, we have put it away" is that bad? what is the difference between giving a warning and speaking conditionally? i thought it was more fair to explain the consequence before it happens, to give them a chance to make a choice. so i will follow up with " ok,. do you want the stick to be put away or do you want to keep it, and use it without hurting anything?"

sorry to derail but i am going through a very similar thing.


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## crb (Aug 22, 2005)

Ha, Ha - I actually think of this as a step in the right direction - saying "if you don't . .. I'll . . ." - instead of ACTUALLY doing the thing! It gives an opening for playfulness (in many forms - you could joke "no, no, I can't take it! PLEASE don't . . . or give a big hug and playfully say "not if I can help it! or some other joke) rather than moving directly into the behavior and a real power struggle. Well, in our house that's a positive move, anyway!


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annabanana* 
yeah. this is what i keep telling *DH*. sigh


Yeah, me2.









I basically just tell them "that's not an acceptable way to talk to me." And then follow up with the when/then thing. (When you've put your toys away, then I can read with you, or When I'm done putting the baby in pajamas, then I will read with you, or When you ask me nicely, then I'll be so excited to read with you ...)


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## Fairy4tmama (Sep 3, 2003)

my ds does this, I think because dh and I use a lot of if then statements in general, and so I give him an exagerated if then back and turn it in to a game wich usualy ends 5 minutes later with if a clown came to the door in his pajamas...... totally takes the power trip out of things and usualy gets us off what ever we were struggling with in the first place.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Re: your DH . . .when I get into the same habit, this is what I do. I say the first part (without the "if") and then leave off the "or else x will happen." It isn't ideal, but it's a big improvement. For example, "If you don't put on your pajamas you won't get a story." Revised: "It's time to put on your pajamas." Now, just giving a command that way, like I said, isn't ideal, but it is a good first step to getting over the autopilot consequence thing! Once that is cleared up, DH can work on refining his communication . . .baby steps!


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## **guest** (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crb* 
Ha, Ha - I actually think of this as a step in the right direction - saying "if you don't . .. I'll . . ." - instead of ACTUALLY doing the thing! It gives an opening for playfulness (in many forms - you could joke "no, no, I can't take it! PLEASE don't . . . or give a big hug and playfully say "not if I can help it! or some other joke) rather than moving directly into the behavior and a real power struggle. Well, in our house that's a positive move, anyway!










true!!!


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annabanana* 
i really like the silly idea. i try doing these, and i've read playful parenting, but this doesn't come naturally to me. so every time someone mentions this, i'm like DOH! of course! thanks. i'm actually getting into a habit of silly difusing, but still need remindes, obviously. they usually work well.

.

Even though I suggested this originally, in case it DOESN'T WORK you are not alone. Sometimes when I try to turn things into silliness, DD is not in the mood and it makes her even more frustrated, like I am not listening to her. I can understand this, as it would annoy me in certain situations, too.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

I would try validation and restating the request the way in which I would prefer to be asked. "You want me to read a book to you now?" This allows space for connection and agreement= working together. "Ok. Let's brush our teeth and then pick out which book you want to read, ok?" (assuming you are agreeable to reading the book)

If you have other things that need to be done, again, I'd express willingness and discuss my needs. "You want to read the book now!" Wait for agreement, nodding head, connect. "What if we have a race? I need to carry this down to the laundry room and you brush your teeth and pick a book. Ready, set, go." And race down and back.

Or if it is the whiny tired "I want you to read a book now!", I would occasionally restate the request "Mama, please read me a book." in a gentle requesting tone while doing the requested action. Mostly, this was when ds was much younger and I assumed the positive intent, without expectation that he could ask gently at that point in time. (This is a bit more "corrective" than I am comfortable with. But, doesn't end up lecturing or conditional.)

HTH, Pat


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I'm not that playful:

"Excuse me?"

Raised eyebrow.

"You can go ahead and re-phrase that."


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

You should also, at earliest opportunity and away from the kids have a chat with your dh. And if he isn't willing to work on his speach patterns, try handling blackmail situations like this:
"That's okay, I'll go and sleep on another bed with your siblings. Daddy will stay here and watch you jump. Good night all."


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

I would act completely undaunted by his threats, like they won't change a thing and won't inconvenience me at all. If she says "I'll jump on the bed and won't let anyone sleep!" then I would tell her how we'd manage to sleep anyway and possibly what ill effects that might have on her, ie that she may break the bed, may hurt herself, or just won't be as well-rested as she would have been if she'd gone to sleep. If she says that she's going to scream, just pull out some ear plugs, pop them in, and say "Go ahead." Just show her that her threats have no power and aren't going to make a difference, even if she follows through.


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## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

My friend's kids tried this on me. My natural reaction was to laugh incredulously and say, "I think not." Not very GD but it worked, as they never tried it on me again.







In my defense, my own kids have never tried blackmailing like that, so I was totally caught off guard. I have to say, I don't think I would negotiate if my child spoke to me like that. I think I would say something like, "Next time, if you ask nicely, I will read you another story, but tonight that is not going to happen."


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2* 
I'm not that playful:

"Excuse me?"

Raised eyebrow.

"You can go ahead and re-phrase that."











That's with my older-than-5yos. Very effective, actually.


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## MammaKoz (Dec 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery*
I would act completely undaunted by his threats, like they won't change a thing and won't inconvenience me at all. If she says "I'll jump on the bed and won't let anyone sleep!" then I would tell her how we'd manage to sleep anyway and possibly what ill effects that might have on her, ie that she may break the bed, may hurt herself, or just won't be as well-rested as she would have been if she'd gone to sleep. If she says that she's going to scream, just pull out some ear plugs, pop them in, and say "Go ahead." Just show her that her threats have no power and aren't going to make a difference, even if she follows through.









:

My DD who is 4 tried blackmailing me in the grocery store. She wanted one of those expensive huge helium balloons and I said "no, not today." So then she whined and pleaded and I kept saying calmly "no, not today." Then she looks me dead straight in the eye and says "If you don't get me the balloon I am going to scream really really loud!" It took everything I had not to totally crack up laughing, I mean it was funny to me and I took it as her testing limits and seeing what her power is in certain situations. Anyways, I just said "go ahead, but there is still no balloon today."







She was rather pissed at me and a little shocked the threat of hers didn't work.









We don't use threats or anything in my house, so I'm not all too sure where she got it from. I just thought it was some sort of natural learning process for her. She still tries sometimes to blackmail me and unless she is going to harm herself, or hurt someone else in the process, then I just say go for it, it's not going to change anything. The interest in blackmail quickly passed for her when she realized there was no power in what she was doing.

I did make sure to talk to her about sharing with me what she needs, instead of just threatening me etc etc, and understanding sometimes we can't have everything we want (like the balloons) etc. too. But once she realized she had some power and positive power at that with simply stating her feelings, wants, needs and stuff she is staying with that now since it is getting her better results for the most part.









HTH!


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## kittn (Mar 6, 2006)

i have never had this issue with my DC, however my friend's son tried it. My friend has a really hard time with her kids, honestly mostly due to the fact that she parents reactivly. they get in trouble more for annoying her than anything.
I was with my friend and her sons ,jeffrey got mad at me for something and told me to get out of his house and if i didnt leave he was calling the cops.I said ok go ahead. he fizzled out right away.


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## northcountrymamma (Feb 24, 2006)

I do the "go ahead" thing....if I don't like how it affects me, I ask her to go somewhere else and do it. If she wont, I'll lead her to another area and ask her to come back when she's done. Fortunately for me she's to shy to cause public displays so we never have these kinds of issues anywhere but at home. We would later have a conversation about how her actions didn't cause me to want to do what she wanted...rather created a situation that she didn't appreciate.

Talking it out works sometimes...but there are times when I just can't get through to her and this seems to work best....

I don't know if this is actually gd or not...but it works for us.

She is full of blackmails these days...little sponge picking up all sorts of new ideas!


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Another suggestion, which may or may not be appealing depending on your parenting style, would be to allow your child to experiment with setting conditions, but teach her what is and isn't appropriate. A lot of things in life are conditional, and bargaining can be a useful skill. When she sets a conditional threat such as "If you won't read to me I'll jump on my bed and keep everyone awake!" you could try saying, "How about I read one story if you put on your PJs, lay down and cover up, and close your eyes while you listen?" Or perhaps "I'll do this for you if you promise to do something for me. I'll read to you if you help me with breakfast in the morning." You could even let her make the deal by saying "Let's compromise and make a deal that we both benefit from. If you tell me you'll jump on the bed if I don't read to you, you're the only one who really benefits from that--and not even that much, really, especially if I chose not to read to you. Can you come up with a fair trade?" Again, bargaining may not be something you feel is appropriate for your children, but if you're not opposed to it, it's worth a shot. I think teaching kids to compromise is as important as teaching them not to make threats.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

I'd be truthfull. If I were going to read a book anyways that's what I would say - "I was going to read you a book anyways" and maybe add "But if you feel like jumping right now, let's find a good place to do it" (And maybe even join her







, we do jump on our family bed)

If I were not going to read the book, or were going to read it later, I would state it as well "I was going to read the book to you right after XXX, do you think you can wait/help me? You jumping on the bed surely is not going to make me do XXX faster <smile>"

So, not ignoring it completely, but explaining that people can not *make* other people do things. Other people have to *want* to do things (goes back and forth, right?)


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *irinam* 
I'd be truthfull. If I were going to read a book anyways htat's what I would say - "I was going to read you a book anyways" and maybe add "But if you feel like jusmping right now, let's find a good place to do it" (And maybe even join her







, we do jump on our family bed)

If I were not going to read the book, or were going to read it later, I would state it as well "I was going to read the book to you right after XXX, do you think you can wait/help me? You jumping on the bed surely is not going to make me do XXX faster <smile>"

So, not ignoring it completely, but explaining that people can not *make* other people do things. Other people have to *want* to do things (goes back and forth, right?)

Gosh, you're nice. See, if I were going to do it anyway, I would probably say "I was going to read you a book anyway, but I didn't like how you just spoke to me and I'm not sure I want to now. Would you like to ask again?"


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2* 
Gosh, you're nice. See, if I were going to do it anyway, I would probably say "I was going to read you a book anyway, but I didn't like how you just spoke to me and I'm not sure I want to now. Would you like to ask again?"











But see, in this case I would be modeling exactly what I don't want her to do - the "If/then"
ultimatum.

Child says "IF you don't read, I will jump", then parent says "IF you don't ask nice, I will not read", kinda reinforcing the unwanted dynamic, yk?


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Yes, I see what you mean. It's such a fine line, though.

I mean, one way people respond to being threatened or spoken to rudely is to feel like they don't really want to do something nice for the speaker all that much. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with pointing that out: it's not a random assertion of power, it's recognizing that both the child and the parent (or whoever else they're trying this with) have needs and feelings. It's harder for children to understand that if the only reaction they get to "Do this or I'll SCREEEEAAAM!" is "I was going to anyway and of course I will now too."


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

my son does this too... i don't know where he got it from, since i never ever threaten him and dh doesn't either.... oh well, juts his logical progression i guess.

i just tell him that this isn't a nice way to treat people and can i help him get what he wants in a nicer way?

usually i think he is just struggling with the power inequity and grasping at anything he can figure out to help him get what he wants. so, sometimes i'll acknowledge this, and see how we can find a way to help him with feeling powerless.

and i try not to react too negatively, since i don't think he has a clue how this kind of thing comes across. he's just trying his best to get his needs/wants met... perfectly human thing to do.


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## kittn (Mar 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2* 
Yes, I see what you mean. It's such a fine line, though.

I mean, one way people respond to being threatened or spoken to rudely is to feel like they don't really want to do something nice for the speaker all that much. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with pointing that out: it's not a random assertion of power, it's recognizing that both the child and the parent (or whoever else they're trying this with) have needs and feelings. It's harder for children to understand that if the only reaction they get to "Do this or I'll SCREEEEAAAM!" is "I was going to anyway and of course I will now too."

good point. Personally when anyone demands something of me in a disrespectful way , my first response is to say No Way!
Its a natural impulse I am working on with my kids


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Well, first I would talk with you dh, let him know what happened, and get his agreement to stop using the language of threats and blackmail.

Whenever ds experimented with social behaviors that would lead others to strongly dislike him if he tried it elsewhere (he once repeated a hate-slur he heard on tv, around the age of 6...long conversation followed that) I feel like it's important for me to give him really careful information about it, in addition to sharing my own feelings.

"Ds what you just said is called a threat, or blackmail, and when you use a threat, the other person might feel very unhappy, even sad or angry. If you want me to read you a book you can just ask me "Mom would you read me a book?". Then I will give you my answer. I won't change my answer because of a threat. I hope you don't make choices in life based on blackmail or threats."

I would both identify and name the language of blackmail/threats, and then practice other ways to engage in problem solving that didn't use them. Let her know that compromise and negotiation, or just acceptance of different views, is safe and possible.

I would not, personally, feel comfortable going past that interaction without stopping to identify it, talk about it, and find better choices.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
Well, first I would talk with you dh, let him know what happened, and get his agreement to stop using the language of threats and blackmail.

Whenever ds experimented with social behaviors that would lead others to strongly dislike him if he tried it elsewhere (he once repeated a hate-slur he heard on tv, around the age of 6...long conversation followed that) I feel like it's important for me to give him really careful information about it, in addition to sharing my own feelings.

"Ds what you just said is called a threat, or blackmail, and when you use a threat, the other person might feel very unhappy, even sad or angry. If you want me to read you a book you can just ask me "Mom would you read me a book?". Then I will give you my answer. I won't change my answer because of a threat. I hope you don't make choices in life based on blackmail or threats."

I would both identify and name the language of blackmail/threats, and then practice other ways to engage in problem solving that didn't use them. Let her know that compromise and negotiation, or just acceptance of different views, is safe and possible.

I would not, personally, feel comfortable going past that interaction without stopping to identify it, talk about it, and find better choices.

I agree. Talking about it should happen







I guess I only considered my "immediate" action.


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## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annabanana* 
like in: "if you don't read to me now, i'm going to jump on the bed and won't let anyone sleep." .

Actually this would get a laugh from me and I would tell her go right ahead and show me how high and how long you can jump! It is just silly and kids make these silly statements because they really are powerless to make us do what they want.

Then I would tell her, "the way to get me to read you another story is to ask really nice and to promise to lay and snuggle nice in bed while I read."

If they throw a fit at the store to get their way I leave as soon as I can but I also say loud enough for others to hear, "I know you are really upset that you can't get xyz right now, maybe next time." I say something so that others can see me showing empathy for my child and don't become concerned that she may be a victim of unfair treatment.


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## TigerTail (Dec 22, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *irinam* 
I'd be truthfull. If I were going to read a book anyways that's what I would say - "I was going to read you a book anyways" and maybe add "But if you feel like jumping right now, let's find a good place to do it" (And maybe even join her







, we do jump on our family bed)

If I were not going to read the book, or were going to read it later, I would state it as well "I was going to read the book to you right after XXX, do you think you can wait/help me? You jumping on the bed surely is not going to make me do XXX faster <smile>"

So, not ignoring it completely, but explaining that people can not *make* other people do things. Other people have to *want* to do things (goes back and forth, right?)

This is the most respectful, honest, non-manipulative thing I've seen posted. If I *didn't* want to read the story (perhaps I'm tired or my throat hurts), I'll explain why. If it is going to happen after tooth-brushing, it's not really conditional- I can just explain that I'd rather relax & have bedtime stuff done before the story.

I don't want to manipulate them (or be rude to them) anymore than I want them to manipulate or be rude to me. I'll distract when possible, but I want to nurture people I can stand to be around, & if something isn't going to fly (i.e., threats), I can let them know that it's simply not cool (and not going to change the outcome, barring a good reason. A good reason is, "But mama, would you please? I need to hear how the story comes out, & I'm sorry you feel tired." A good reason is not issuing threats. It does get easier as they get more verbal. Poor frustrated little kids!)

If you respect them, they will have an easier time hearing 'no' (which is sometimes just going to be unavoidable).


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## TigerTail (Dec 22, 2002)

PS All this talking & explaining really is vocabulary building.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *irinam* 
I'd be truthfull. If I were going to read a book anyways that's what I would say - "I was going to read you a book anyways" and maybe add "But if you feel like jumping right now, let's find a good place to do it" (And maybe even join her







, we do jump on our family bed)


I like this except that what if it really isn't the time for jumping anywhere, ya know? One of those days where (try as you might have to avoid it) the DC is overtired and it's just time to settle down and sleep. When we go along with DD when she is overtired (within limits) it usually makes things worse-- starts off a trail of "one more minute" and then she gets even more tired, crankier, etc. Slippery slope. Usually if DD is upset at those times I hug and rock her (she is usually willing) while she gets her frustrations out. That helps a lot.


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## HerbLover (Jan 7, 2006)

I became all too aware of how often we were using the if/then when my dh asked dd to put something away and she replied Or What? So I discussed how we needed to not do that anymore and why with him and he agreed. About 10 min. later he opened the door to let some cool air in and dd wanted it closed because she was saying she was cold (It really was hot, she just hates wearing clothes, thats why she was cold







) He kept opening it and she kept closing it until he said If you don't stop closing it your not going to be allowed to open and close doors anymore, WHAT?????







: He has been trying but he also is on autopilot after coming home from work. Explaining stuff to them works so much better, but sometimes its hard to have the patience to explain when the baby's crying, and the phones ringing, and dinners burning.....................


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *irinam* 









But see, in this case I would be modeling exactly what I don't want her to do - the "If/then"
ultimatum.

Child says "IF you don't read, I will jump", then parent says "IF you don't ask nice, I will not read", kinda reinforcing the unwanted dynamic, yk?


Which is why you're not supposed to use the negative "if/then" at all.

The positive "when/then" works pretty well and is a positive-consequence builder:

When you finish your dinner, then you can have a treat.
When you put the clothes in the hamper, then you can play with your cars.
When you put the markers away, then you can ride your bike.
When you stop your tantrum and ask nicely, then you can read a book with me.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I pretty much say something like "That's not the way to get me to do something." Or "Do you really think that is going to get you what you want?" Something along those lines.

I was at a friend's house one time, and her 6yo was doing this to her - threatening to do something mean if she didn't let him have more cookies. She said she didn't appreciate him threatening her, and he said "Why not, you threaten me." And that's a hard truth to face as a parent. Saying to your child "We don't threaten each other in this house" is essentially a lie, and your child knows it. He/she (I don't remember!) may not be able to articulate it, but they know something isn't right.

I think you need to ask your dh how he thinks it should be handled, and to have a discussion about the very direct correlation between his threatening your child and your child threatening you. I am forever harping on dh about how he reacts when angry is how he is teaching ds to react when angry! I am by no means perfect. I yell too much, I know this. But I recognize it, actively work to change it, and talk honestly about it with ds. And without trying to excuse my yelling, I think it's really hard for kids when they are trying to sort out what is appropriate behavior when they are getting such conflicting messages from the adults in their lives, and the adults act as if their behavior is perfectly acceptable. "Do as I say not as I do" is basically what is happening, and that will never work.


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## TigerTail (Dec 22, 2002)

Apologies when we say/do something inappropriate go a long way. Children are forgiving souls.

(PS I know we can't always jump. But sometimes we do.







Not me so much anymore, but I can hold their hands & do a rocket launch off my knees.







)


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *merpk* 
Which is why you're not supposed to use the negative "if/then" at all.

The positive "when/then" works pretty well and is a positive-consequence builder:

When you finish your dinner, then you can have a treat.
When you put the clothes in the hamper, then you can play with your cars.
When you put the markers away, then you can ride your bike.
When you stop your tantrum and ask nicely, then you can read a book with me.

Maybe I'm just dense...but I don't see much difference between if/then and when/then. Sure, they sound different, but the sentences are constructed identically and the meaning is the same. Do 3- and 4-year-olds really distinguish between "if" and "when"?

I admit to being an if/then-er when I'm stressed and tired. I can only recall a handful of times I've said it, though. DD went through an if/then phase too - but her "thens" were impossible. She'd say things like "If you don't let me X, I'll cry ALL DAY!" We'd say okay, if you really want to do that, go ahead, but we're not doing X right now.

I like the playful approach....I am not naturally playful though. But when I do manage to try a playful technique it always works.


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