# how to tell others not to discipline my child..



## CalebsMama05 (Nov 26, 2005)

I'm not sure exactly what GD is...but I would like some advice.







I live with several other people (my mother's roomies) and my sister (22 not a mother herself) comes over almost every weekday. My son is 8.5 months old and pulls up now and cruises (my clever boy!








) and naturally tends to get into stuff. I have a pretty laidback approach. I allow him stuff that isnt important (Junk mail...shoes...etc) and when he gets things that ARE important i pry whatever it is out of his hands remove the item from his reach and say something like "there! NOW you can play" in a cheery voice.

my sister has an eagle eye and whenever he comes CLOSE to something SHE thinks he shouldnt' have (anything other than a baby toy) she pries it out of his hand SMACKS him and yells at him to "stay out of stuff" THEN she tells ME i'm a horrible mother because i dont teach him he can't play with certain things. One memorable occasion i was irate because I had brought our tv remote out of our room for him to play with since he likes remotes...she pried it out of his hand slapped him hard on the hand and then just started calling him all kinds of names. The very fact that i live with other people and dont keep an eagle eye on my son (he needs to know that he's not a bug to be watched every second...plus i keep a close enough eye on him) means that EVERYONE in the house thinks they have to discipline him and no matter what *I* the childs mother says they insist on punishing him in ways i feel is useless and demoralizing. we are not moving for another 2-3 months and i was wondering if anyone had any polite ways for me to get across to people that although I am *only* 21 Caleb is MY son and he will be disciplined by me and no one else..and CERTAINLY not in ways i have said several times i dont agree with.

thanx for reading sorry its so long


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Well, here's what I'd do. I would make it abundantly clear that it was absolutely unacceptable for anyone else to reprimand or hit my child, no matter their relationship. I would print out articles on child development, research discipline, come up with a clear plan and educate my family and roommates on my choices, discuss my expectations with my sister, etc. But before I did any of that, I would draw my line in the sand, and let all the other adults who feel they need to supervise that child that there is no crossing it.

I can imagine that you are in a tough situation, but, the way I see it, your son's in an even tougher one. And you're the only one he has to stick up for him.

Also, maybe you can avoid the situation as much as possible? Go to the library, for walks, etc? Keep him in a sling when you're in the common areas?


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## CalebsMama05 (Nov 26, 2005)

right now i'm doing what i can to minimize his contact with people that think they have to parent him...we stay in our room most of the time and i take him with me to the bathroom etc. he HATES the sling which makes me sad but i try to basically keep him *attached* to me. I guess in a couple of months we'll be in our own place and it won't be so stressful.







sad that I am paranoid to let my son play with his aunt because I am afraid he will do something she considers *wrong* and hit him. He's not even 9 months old...its amazing what some people expect from a tiny baby!


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## Brinda (Oct 28, 2005)

If it were me, I wouldn't even be polite about it! I would outright let it be KNOWN that I find that totally unacceptable! Do NOT hit my child!


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalebsMama05*
right now i'm doing what i can to minimize his contact with people that think they have to parent him...we stay in our room most of the time and i take him with me to the bathroom etc. he HATES the sling which makes me sad but i try to basically keep him *attached* to me. I guess in a couple of months we'll be in our own place and it won't be so stressful.







sad that I am paranoid to let my son play with his aunt because I am afraid he will do something she considers *wrong* and hit him. He's not even 9 months old...its amazing what some people expect from a tiny baby!

Yes, I agree. I'm guessing your sister doesn't have kids? There are some great articles out there about child development, and almost everyone agrees that it is inappropriate to "discipline" a baby this age. I mean everyone, from Parents magazine to the AAP to Dr. Phil. So maybe you could ask her to read some of this and ask her to just use distraction.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

I tell people that the law says that if you hit another person, that person can press charges. Under no circumstances is anyone allowed to hit my child and if they do, I have no problem calling the police.

I have no problem with other people keeping my child safe, but I do have a HUGE problem with ADULTS hitting BABIES.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Sorry, I just re-read your post and saw that you said your sister doesn't have kids.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I would be crystal clear that no one is to ever, ever hit my child. I would just explain that it's very important that your child be gently guided and not spoken to harshly.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I would be positively furious if someone hit/smacked/spanked my ds. *I* would probably threaten to press charges, then refuse to associate with that person (at least for a while, depending on the relationship). Everyone knows we DO NOT hit our child (or punish at all, for that matter).
But, seeing as how that's probably not an option for you...hmmm... First, I'd have a rational, calm conversation about how you are disciplining him (ie, redirection, explanations, giving information), and why you feel that is the best method at his age. Explain why you do not want anyone yelling or smacking him. Then give your sis and the others some things they *can* do. "If he touches something you don't want him to touch, tell him 'that's not for you' and take it from him" period. Tell them to explain stuff to him, and it WILL sink in








I agree with getting articles on age appropriate expectations, and discipline theories. You can get some good stuff here http://www.naturalchild.com. "People aren't for hitting, and kids are people too"

Good luck


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## Mackenzie (Sep 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brinda*
If it were me, I wouldn't even be polite about it! I would outright let it be KNOWN that I find that totally unacceptable! Do NOT hit my child!


Yep







YOU are the mama and you have that right! You are doing a great job following your mama heart for your son, and you can, and should, assert your beliefs when they are undermined.








for you guys!


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

sorry..i know this is a knee-jerk reaction, but if someone slapped one of my sons, i would walk up to them and smack them and then tell them "you can't hit kids! its just not right".
i know...i probably violated some rule re: advocating violence, but when it comes to my kids, i believe in "an eye for an eye". lol!
my blood is boiling just reading your story.
i assume you can't move out on our own. but, if you have to live there, i would sit everyone down and tell them in no uncertain terms that hitting your child is entirely unacceptable. is your mom on your side? do you have any supporters in the house?
also, when my kids were little, i just didn't put things on surface areas where the kids could get them. if people dont want their stuff played with by a baby then THEY should move it high up so the baby can't get to it. that is the RESPONSIBLE thing to do...not hitting a child. oy!!!! i have to calm down now...sorry!
rach


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## mama_b (Dec 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax*
sorry..i know this is a knee-jerk reaction, but if someone slapped one of my sons, i would walk up to them and smack them and then tell them "you can't hit kids! its just not right".
i know...i probably violated some rule re: advocating violence, but when it comes to my kids, i believe in "an eye for an eye". lol!
my blood is boiling just reading your story.

I totally agree. Not the best thing for your child to see, but I don't think I could resist smacking someone who smacked my child.


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## beccaboomom (May 22, 2005)

I don't let other people discipline my kids, but I also don't let my kids disrespect other peoples stuff.

Quote:

I allow him stuff that isnt important
If it is your stuff it is nobody else's business, but if you're letting him run amok then it is your responsibility to keep him out of other peoples stuff.


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## Nathan1097 (Nov 20, 2001)

I have the same problem, but mine is worse because I live with my mom. She constatnly tries to reprimand my kids and even has referred to them as hers! (Indirectly in some way or another.) Just Thanksgiving, she did this, - and she does it BEFORE I can even open my mouth!- and I had to reprimand her for it. She hits the kids, yells at them, and we constantly are having arguments about it. No advice since the only thing anyone ever tells me is "move out" and we can't do that right now.


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## HappyHSer (Nov 1, 2005)

To the moms whose relatives hit their children:

You don't have to convince your relatives that your discipline choices are correct. You don't have to defend your discipline choices, your approach or your *no hitting* rule. In fact, it would be better if you didn't. Just tell them "absolutely no hitting my child". Period. End.of.discussion.

Since you are in other people's spaces, you do need to agree on standards of behavior. Sit down and tell them that enforcing those rules is going to be your domain, but involve them in what the rules are.


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## cumulus (Jul 17, 2002)

I believe many of us decry the loss of community wherein adults might all contribute to the raising of all children. That said, I would attempt to enroll your roomies into forms of disciplining or whatever that you approve of. I'd be sure to go after the form of discipline not the person - those rommies could be powerful allies in raising your son.

"As adults, we must ask more of our children than they know how to ask of themselves. What can we do to foster their open-hearted hopefulness, engage their need to collaborate, be an incentive to utilize their natural competency and compassion...show them ways they can connect, reach out, weave themselves into the web of relationships that is called community." ~ Dawna Markova


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Even though other peoples things are unimportant they are still other peoples things. You need to teach him to respect other peoples things. He grabs XYZ's shoes gentlely take them away and give him his or yours to play with. Gentlely saying "Those are XYZ's. Lets put them back and get ours to play with."

My mil use to let my nephews play with "Junk mail" until they shredded up my check. I will admit it looked like junk, but it wasn't. Plus junk mail might have inks and harmful chemicals on it. We came up with a solution to the problem. My mil got the mail by default each day. She would put it in a spot and if it wasn't looked through and thrown away it was free for my nephews to play with. I really would suggest you do this because sometimes people do want and need that junk mail.

I would encourage you to get him a pretend remote. Toddlers can get remotes apart, they drop them and break, this creates a chocking hazord. AA and AAA's can get lodged in your child's throat. If you have a toy one you can make it easier to do this isn't yours but this is. Replacing an item is much easier than saying "Now you can play."

Quote:

The very fact that i live with other people and dont keep an eagle eye on my son (he needs to know that he's not a bug to be watched every second...plus i keep a close enough eye on him) means that EVERYONE in the house thinks they have to discipline him and no matter what *I* the childs mother says they insist on punishing him in ways i feel is useless and demoralizing.
I find this statement very bothersome. It isn't age appropriate at all. Your 8.5 month old needs your eagle eye to help guide him through this world. At this age he is so much more likely to get hurt by everyday things.

I have lived with other people that I didn't agree with disciple with. This meant I needed to be have eagle eyes and step up for my son much quicker than I cared for. I had to be watching for someone trying to yank something out of his hand and stepping up and saying "I gave him that to play with."


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## CalebsMama05 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beccaboomom*
I don't let other people discipline my kids, but I also don't let my kids disrespect other peoples stuff. If it is your stuff it is nobody else's business, but if you're letting him run amok then it is your responsibility to keep him out of other peoples stuff.

things that are mine or that we had agreed that he could play with. we have a pair of his shoes that are too small he loves and my mom keeps a pile of her junk mail he can play with. stuff that really *isnt* important. my sister does not live here although she is here a lot. she's 10 months older than me and she's always felt *superior* about everything because of that.


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## CalebsMama05 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom*
I find this statement very bothersome. It isn't age appropriate at all. Your 8.5 month old needs your eagle eye to help guide him through this world. At this age he is so much more likely to get hurt by everyday things.

perhaps our definition of eagle eye is simply different. i dont stand over him staring at him every second but i do keep a pretty close eye on him...i mark where he is every 5-10 seconds or so. he is not at the point where he can come CLOSE to getting ANYTHING apart and when he is playing with anything that is NOT an approved baby toy i always watch him more closely. the subject of the post was that other people think they can try to discipline my child and although i appreciate your concern i did gloss over a lot of other things that wasnt quite what i was asking advice on.


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## surf mama (Jan 8, 2005)

Reading through this thread I just keep thinking over and over that this little one is under a year old....he doesn't need to be disciplined. He isn't being naughty, he is just exploring and learning. If I was you I would set a *clear* boundary regarding absolutely no hitting or yelling!


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Woah! I would do everything in my power to move. If that's not possible, then I would tell my mother that my sister is not welcome in that house if she ever touches or corrects my child again... in any fashion. That goes double for the other people who live there.

Good luck, I hope you can find another living situation. Basically, one of the trials of motherhood is having to be a b_tch to protect our kids sometimes. I always wanted to be liked, etc., but that went out the first time I had to talk to my MIL about some behavior on her part that I felt was harmful to my dd. Boy, did MIL freak out about that -- called my dh and my BIL at work to call me and tell me me to back off, etc. So expect people to freak out.

But your job has to be to stand by your son, regardless of how other people feel about it. You can start out nice, but be ready for them to freak and be ready to stand by your son and know you are doing the right thing.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cumulus*
I believe many of us decry the loss of community wherein adults might all contribute to the raising of all children.

Sorry, but I don't decry that sort of loss of community at all. A neighbor of mine brought that subject up, saying that it was appropriate for us to discipline each other's children because we are a community. Even though this neighbor is wonderful, AP, and would probably do a better job than I would, I explained as tactfully as possible that I didn't feel that is appropriate. I think it is hard enough for kids to have to be corrected by parents, and to add others is not fair. Especially, in our case, when the mama was always right there. It is obviously different when the mama is gone and someone else is caring for the kids, but if everyone is standing in the front yard together and there is something objectionable going on, let the mother deal with it, without the interference from others.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *surf mama*
Reading through this thread I just keep thinking over and over that this little one is under a year old....he doesn't need to be disciplined. He isn't being naughty, he is just exploring and learning. If I was you I would set a *clear* boundary regarding absolutely no hitting or yelling!


This child like any other needs dicipline. It just doesn't need punishment (ie hitting and spanking). At that age you dicipline by redirection.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *surf mama*
Reading through this thread I just keep thinking over and over that this little one is under a year old....he doesn't need to be disciplined. He isn't being naughty, he is just exploring and learning. If I was you I would set a *clear* boundary regarding absolutely no hitting or yelling!


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brinda*
If it were me, I wouldn't even be polite about it! I would outright let it be KNOWN that I find that totally unacceptable! Do NOT hit my child!

Yeah, I wouldn't be too worried about the polite part. Plus, I think it is a far less damaging experience for your son if he hears you stand up for him and confirm that it is wrong.


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## RubyWild (Apr 7, 2004)

This is a very difficult situation. You live with these people and are dependent on them. I get the feeling they're not going to listen to you. You need to tell them they must stop. If it seems they won't listen to reason, and if you can't afford to move out, I"m wondering if you can go to a women's shelter. I mean, in my mind, your baby is being abused! You have to stop it or get out.


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## mariank (Jul 26, 2005)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Could you and your mother agree on some things that it's OK for your DS to have? I don't have any good advice, just wanted to let you know I really emphathize with your situation. Some people just think it's their right and privilege to boss around little ones, which I think is incredibly ugly. We have a few extended family members who are constantly saying NO and raising their voices with our DS, although no one has hit him. I would lose my mind if that ever happened. But I do understand that your situation is harder because you're dependent on your mother for housing right now. I hope you get through this and can make some changes for your baby's sake and your own!! Be well and good luck. Marian


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## shanagirl (Oct 24, 2005)

Caleb'smomma-- I'm so disturbed by your OP. Your sister is presuming an inappropriate role with your child. Under no circumstances should ANYONE be hitting a 9 month old baby, but it is BIZARRE to assume you can do it to someone else's. I would have NEVER presumed to hit any of my sisters' children, ever. The great thing about being a mom is the strength it can give you. This is your time to step out of the little sister role she's lorded over you. If you don't do it now, it will only get harder. Moving away will be a big help, but your sister needs to understand her place relative to you and your child, period. You will grow through this experience of standing up to her, even if it is hard. You always have to make the choice that is right for your child, and never compromise your child's rights for someone else's feelings (it'll be a huge regret later). I just can't stand the image of a happy, exploring little boy getting painfully slapped for nothing. Unfortunately, this does mean under the circumstances you do have to be an eagle eye while you continue to live at your mom's--good thing that's only temporary but your eye is really on your sister. I would intervene physically (i.e., push her away) if she looked like she was ever about to do it again.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom*
This child like any other needs dicipline. It just doesn't need punishment (ie hitting and spanking). At that age you dicipline by redirection.

No child needs that sort of punishment.


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## MommyMine (Oct 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brinda*
If it were me, I wouldn't even be polite about it! I would outright let it be KNOWN that I find that totally unacceptable! Do NOT hit my child!

I second that! No one hits my children. No one. I have had to throw down with family before so I know how hard it can be. But I would do it again in an instant. No one hits my child.

I think the issue for me wouldn't be someone else diciplining as in providing guidence, as I let all kinds of people do that, at a play group I am pleased when another mother steps into a sharing crisis and helps to help the two kids share/take turns...but hitting is not dicipline and frankly she is just out of line.

I wonder if what I did with my family would work with you? I simply made eye contact (and it wasn't simple to do but the actions were simple) and quietly said something like in your case "If you would like him to not touch your item please ask me to help you but don't ever strike my child again" and hold eye contact and no matter what she says just keep eye contact and that quite seriouse voice and repeat "nevertheless I expect you to NEVER hit my child again" If it wasn't her thing I would say "I allow him to play with that but don't ever hit my child again".

Get good at saying "I appreciate that you feel differently, nevertheless I am the mother. You may raise your children your way and I will raise mine my way"

The quite serious voice with eyecontact and allowing the ackward silance to spool out I find says more than yelling ever can.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shanagirl*
This is your time to step out of the little sister role she's lorded over you. If you don't do it now, it will only get harder. Moving away will be a big help, but your sister needs to understand her place relative to you and your child, period. You will grow through this experience of standing up to her, even if it is hard. You always have to make the choice that is right for your child, and never compromise your child's rights for someone else's feelings (it'll be a huge regret later). I just can't stand the image of a happy, exploring little boy getting painfully slapped for nothing. Unfortunately, this does mean under the circumstances you do have to be an eagle eye while you continue to live at your mom's--good thing that's only temporary but your eye is really on your sister. I would intervene physically (i.e., push her away) if she looked like she was ever about to do it again.

Exactly. You have a more important role now, you owe it to your son to be more than just the little sister. You are his mother, and as such you need to protect him.


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## pixiexto (Mar 6, 2003)

I share the horror that other posters have expressed ~ I'm not pro-punishment at any age, but NINE months old?!?!?! This is abuse in my books, and I wouldn't be the least bit concerned about being polite or diplomatic in dealing with it. IMO your first and only allegiance is to your son ~ protect him, Mama. Please don't allow him to be hit.

I'm curious about someone's mention of "discipline". I see that a 9 month old needs many things, but discipline isn't one that comes to mind. They need a safe living space , with freedom to explore under the guidance of a loving parent. This means that it is the parent's responsibility to ensure that the environment is baby-safe, but not that the baby needs to learn to leave things alone that belong to others. This makes no sense to me whatsoever.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this living situation & am relieved that you have plans to move soon. I'm not meaning to be insensitive to this, but please protect your son.


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## HappyHSer (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:

This child like any other needs dicipline. It just doesn't need punishment (ie hitting and spanking). At that age you dicipline by redirection.

No child needs that sort of punishment.
I'm pretty sure that Marsupialmom agrees with you, but was trying to post something specific to the OP.

Quote:

I'm curious about someone's mention of "discipline". I see that a 9 month old needs many things, but discipline isn't one that comes to mind. They need a safe living space , with freedom to explore under the guidance of a loving parent. This means that it is the parent's responsibility to ensure that the environment is baby-safe, but not that the baby needs to learn to leave things alone that belong to others. This makes no sense to me whatsoever.
I discipline my children from birth on. Discipline meant "to teach".

I agree with the first 3/4 of your paragraph above. And I believe that even babies can be taught/disicplined that some things are not "for them." I don't understand why that shouldn't be important.


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## Plummeting (Dec 2, 2004)

Wow! I would leave. If I had to live in a shelter until I was able to move into my own place, that's what I would do. Your first responsibility is to protect your son, even from your own family if necessary.

I assume the reason you've chosen not to hit your son is that you believe it is damaging to children to be physically abused by adults, so you need to understand that it is just as damaging for someone else to hit him. Children whose hands are smacked are less likely to explore. They don't learn that they shouldn't touch X, they learn that they shouldn't touch _anything_. this has long term repurcussions on how much and how quickly they learn about the world around them. Right now, every time your sister hits your son, he is becoming a little more afraid of his world. He is becoming a little more convinced that you will not protect him and that his world isn't a safe place.

I know this must be so hard for you, but as a mother, it is your responsibility to do _whatever it takes_ to make sure no one harms your child. Period. Call the cops if you have to. Do whatever you need to do, but end this right away!


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## JoyofBirth (Mar 16, 2004)

I'm appalled that your sister feels like she has the right to hit your child. What almost bothers me more is that she was name-calling. That's just plain bullying, hitting is too. I used to jump in and say things to my brother's kids, but they never paid attention to their kids and wanted other people to jump in. That's a whole other story. One day, I realized that I'm thteir aunt and it's for me to enjoy them, not raise them, so I stopped saying anything unless they are endangering my daughter. You may try to say things to your sister like I'd rather you just be his aunt and enjoy him and I'll be his parent. Or I'd prefer to be the one who says what he can or can't do, it's more fun for you to just be his aunt. And see if that works. You may also want to lay it out and say and even if you do discipline him, you are NOT to spank him, yell at him or call him names. I'd remind her that those are things that bullying children do to others to gain control because they feel inadequate. Also, ask her to remember a time when someone called her a name and how it hurt. Tell her she's not teaching him anything, she's just hurting his feelings. Or if you don't feel like she can respect you or follow your rules, I'd recommend excusing yourself when she arrives and finding someplace else to be if possible. You might say something like you hate to feel like a prisoner in your own but if that's the only way you can get respect...I recently told my family in a light-hearted way, my baby, my decision. I was surprised it worked but it did. I hope you find something helpful to get you through the next few months. Good luck!


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
No child needs that sort of punishment.


As the OP says I agree with you.


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

If you sister doesn't listen to your words, show her how wrong her actions are.

If she goes for something YOU dont think she should have, take it and wack her hands with it and go "Doesn't feel good now does it? Why does it make it ok to do that to a baby?"


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Angela, (alegna) one of my fave MDC posters, has a great post I just stumbled across last night but I can't find right now. Basically, she says to look in the mirror, take a deep breath, stand tall, and repeat over and over "I AM THE MAMA, I AM THE MAMA."

You are your son's protector. Better to learn now how to stand up to all those bullies now while he is young and nip it in the bud before they move on to trying to control both of you for the rest of your lives. You can do it.


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

You've received lots of good advice from PPs. Your situation just sounds so awful (I am apalled at the thought of your little guy happily exploring and then being hurt for no reason at all - I can sadly imagine the confusion and fear it would create in his little head) that I needed to reply with







s







s







s

*Be strong, mama. You are in charge!* Make it known that you are in charge whether by physically interceding on your son's behalf to prevent problems before they arise, having a sit-down discussion with those whose actions need to change, and/or using very stern words and a strong stare. It's OK to not be nice. What your sister is doing is *beyond* not nice. It's OK to be a momma bear. Unleash the







side of you that sis has never seen. This is your boy! Sis's harsh tactics could have a lasting impact on him!


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I wouldn't be polite in the least. Let it be known if there is any discipline to be done, it needs to be done by either you or DH. If they have an issue with ds, they need to come and get you guys. You are right to be outraged. Trust your gut instinct







He's yours.


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

I live with my parents and when they try to discipline my child I tell them that I will handle it. We have also had some pretty serious discussions about interfering with my parenting my child. First of all you should not leave him alone with anyone who will hit him. I would talk to your sister, preferably when the baby is not in her things and tell her that she may think you are a bad parent all she wants and she may either put her stuff up at a child safe level or have it chewed on but she may not hit your child. Tell her you find it disgusting that she would do such a thing to an infant and that you refuse to allow her lack of education and silly hypothesis about what makes a good parent affect you. And if that doesn't work bundle the child up and bring him out of the house and away from her when she comes over or keep the child in another room and do not allow her to see him. You have a responsibility to protect your child from physical harm if it is an issue to you so even though you want your child to have freedom you must balance this with his safety and maybe he needs to only have freedom when everyone else is out or when he is in the bedroom with you while people who don't respect your boundaries are about. Infants need constant supervision, especially as they age and can reach and climb higher because there is more to hurt themselves with, fall off of, and choke on so you need to take some responsibility for watching your child to.


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## mz_libbie22 (Nov 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalebsMama05*
I'm not sure exactly what GD is...but I would like some advice.







I live with several other people (my mother's roomies) and my sister (22 not a mother herself) comes over almost every weekday. My son is 8.5 months old and pulls up now and cruises (my clever boy!







) and naturally tends to get into stuff. I have a pretty laidback approach. I allow him stuff that isnt important (Junk mail...shoes...etc) and when he gets things that ARE important i pry whatever it is out of his hands remove the item from his reach and say something like "there! NOW you can play" in a cheery voice.

my sister has an eagle eye and whenever he comes CLOSE to something SHE thinks he shouldnt' have (anything other than a baby toy) she pries it out of his hand SMACKS him and yells at him to "stay out of stuff" THEN she tells ME i'm a horrible mother because i dont teach him he can't play with certain things. One memorable occasion i was irate because I had brought our tv remote out of our room for him to play with since he likes remotes...she pried it out of his hand slapped him hard on the hand and then just started calling him all kinds of names. The very fact that i live with other people and dont keep an eagle eye on my son (he needs to know that he's not a bug to be watched every second...plus i keep a close enough eye on him) means that EVERYONE in the house thinks they have to discipline him and no matter what *I* the childs mother says they insist on punishing him in ways i feel is useless and demoralizing. we are not moving for another 2-3 months and i was wondering if anyone had any polite ways for me to get across to people that although I am *only* 21 Caleb is MY son and he will be disciplined by me and no one else..and CERTAINLY not in ways i have said several times i dont agree with.

thanx for reading sorry its so long










Hey, that's my DS's name too.









I would SO not worry about being polite. If anyone did that to my baby I'd have to give them a taste of their own medicine.







They have absolutely NO right to treat your son (and you) like that. Good luck.


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## karinasusy (Jul 12, 2005)

I lived with my parents for two years before I got my own place. There were a few moments like when my dad decided to slap my son's hand away from something or when my mom threatened to hit him back (my son was 3 and 4 years at the time and learning to keep his hands to himself). With my dad, I told him to apologize to my son, which I don't think he did, but he also never hit him again. With my mom, because she is more difficult, I actually threatened to call the police if she ever hit my son. Thankfully, we moved out of there about five months later, and we are one big happy family again.

You need to be firm and you need to stand up and advocate for you and your son. You are in charge of your own child. They can come to you with grievances. Let them think whatever they want. It's a tough situation. Smile, remain positive and show them you mean business. Good luck.


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## Jackie mom (Nov 15, 2005)

I am not going to offer you any advice but I offer empathy and congratulations on doing a great job as a mom! You are using mother's intuition and intellect to decide what feels right for your child. Other people or non-parents forget how vulnerable a young child/baby is and sometimes it seems only the mama understands.

I had to live with family for a while (in-laws) but that was without baby. It really is hard, even just for adults to live together.

Seems like you don't need as much advice as you just need support. I hope you found some here.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

I remember with dd1 not knowing at all what to do when she was that age and starting to explore. I was so unsure of myself, how to discipline, what was age-appropriate, etc. Not that I'm a guru now by any means! But I know it was very difficult for me to "be the mama" b/c I really didn't know what to do. All that to say







while you are learning to be a mama, pregnant, and living with others.

But you ARE his mama, and as a pp said, his only advocate. It's ok to say or think that you don't know exactly what to do, and that you may be a first-time mom but hitting your baby is NOT ok.

Other mamas here sound very confident - many times I have wished I had that confidence but I felt so inexperienced. I really do with I'd stood up better to others. It did come with time and I feel much more confident, but it's still tough when my mom's around.

Anyways, I just wanted to give you some encouragement - even though you may not know exactly what GD is (per your OP), it's OK - hitting is WRONG and you do need to stand up for your child. You are in a tough situation, and I'm glad you're moving in a couple months.


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## Kira's mom (Nov 30, 2004)

You don't need to explain yourself to them, but you do have to protect your son. i would simply explain that you are the only person who will guide our child.DS is doing his job which is to explore the world. I personally would lay down the law that nobody is to hit your baby. He's not even one!


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## shanagirl (Oct 24, 2005)

Oo, I LOVE that-- you should have a little T shirt made for your son that says: My job is to explore the world. !!!.


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## Kira's mom (Nov 30, 2004)

i just reread my post and didn't want it to sound like age had anything to do with it. i do not believe in hitting any age person. i believe in mutual respect.


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## Gardeninginthefog (Sep 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalebsMama05*
I'm not sure exactly what GD is...but I would like some advice.







I live with several other people (my mother's roomies) and my sister (22 not a mother herself) comes over almost every weekday. My son is 8.5 months old and pulls up now and cruises (my clever boy!







) and naturally tends to get into stuff. I have a pretty laidback approach. I allow him stuff that isnt important (Junk mail...shoes...etc) and when he gets things that ARE important i pry whatever it is out of his hands remove the item from his reach and say something like "there! NOW you can play" in a cheery voice.

my sister has an eagle eye and whenever he comes CLOSE to something SHE thinks he shouldnt' have (anything other than a baby toy) she pries it out of his hand SMACKS him and yells at him to "stay out of stuff" THEN she tells ME i'm a horrible mother because i dont teach him he can't play with certain things. One memorable occasion i was irate because I had brought our tv remote out of our room for him to play with since he likes remotes...she pried it out of his hand slapped him hard on the hand and then just started calling him all kinds of names. The very fact that i live with other people and dont keep an eagle eye on my son (he needs to know that he's not a bug to be watched every second...plus i keep a close enough eye on him) means that EVERYONE in the house thinks they have to discipline him and no matter what *I* the childs mother says they insist on punishing him in ways i feel is useless and demoralizing. we are not moving for another 2-3 months and i was wondering if anyone had any polite ways for me to get across to people that although I am *only* 21 Caleb is MY son and he will be disciplined by me and no one else..and CERTAINLY not in ways i have said several times i dont agree with.

thanx for reading sorry its so long









Since you mentioned you have talked to sister several times without results I'm inclined to give a little tougher advice than I might have started out with.
If this were happening to an adult it would be assault. I'd tell sister that and go on to say something like this: "Violence is not an acceptable means of communication nor is it effective. I do not want my child to think that he can expect to get what he wants through hitting. I do not expect him to learn to communicate through hitting. Violence is not an accepted means of controlling others in this society. And I will not have it modeled for him as acceptable. When you hit another person as a means of controlling them it only indicates an inability to successfully communicate. I won't have my child taught that behavior. Again, in adult society this is considered assault, and people go to jail for it. I will be solely responsible for disciplining of my child. If you have any problems you can work them out with me. However, if you assault my child again I warn you I will treat it as an assault."

Since you haven't been able to get her attention by talking to her in the past, you might even write a paragraph and notarize it informing your sister that it is not legal for her to strike your child without your permission and that if she does so it will be considered an assault. And give it to her at the time of the above discussion-- after you've had your say. That would really get her attention.

That said-- if your sister is (or others) are concerned about her things getting ruined because of your "free reigns." This is a valid concern and warrants addressing especially as she is a guest of someone you share living space with. She has a right not have her things destroyed. There should be some acknowledgement of that and trade off for her, so that she can respect your parenting style and at the same time feel her possessions are safe. Perhaps there should be general ground rules in the house regarding each person being responsible to keep certain more expensive things out of toddler height-- but also there should be an understanding that if he breaks or ruins something that belongs to someone else the item will be paid for/ replaced by you. While you may feel that "goes without saying" having ground rules about that spelled out clearly might help her and others feel easier about staying out of your bi'ness.

Good luck Mama!
Gardeninginthefog


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