# Learning to live with the news he could have been saved



## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

When I gave birth to our son we thought there was a compressed cord that caused his heart rate to drop and his eventual death. For days after his birth we had no clue how it all went so bad so fast. We were in total shock.

After the pathology report came in on the placenta we learned it had a velamentous insertion. I talked to his NICU doc and starting putting pieces together that the cord had torn before delivery and he lost most of his blood. We learned he had many transfusions of blood in his short 12 hours here.

Throughout this year and a half we've learned many other things. It should have been found on ultrasound first and he could have been saved. Today we talked to an expert who explained that on two different hospital visits (one a week before his birth and then the day of his birth) the fetal monitor strips showed significant issues with his heart rate and recovery (some lasting as long as 40 minutes) that I should have had a c-section.

How many times did my medical professionals fail me? How many opportunities were they given to catch that my son was in distress and they missed it?

I miss my boy and I'm heartbroken to think how many times he had a chance and my midwives and doctors missed it. He should be here with us and instead he had a miserable, painful 12 hours of life on earth. I just hope that he knows how much I loved him and how much I loved being his mom. I miss how he loved to be rubbed on in my tummy - he would always stick his butt way out and get so still when I would rub on him. I hate that as the time passes I forget more of my pregnancy. I hope he felt how much we loved him as we held him while he died. I will never forget those moments or how he felt in my arms.

I'm angry and sad. I'm just trying to figure out how to process all of this news as well as the grief.

Anyone else BTDT?

It just sucks. I needed to get that out. Thanks for letting me share.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I'm so sorry. That does suck, beyond words.








I hate the second guessing and wishing things had been different. The what if's are killer.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Yeah, had I quit work a few weeks earlier (about six weeks actually, because that's when it started getting crazy) and not listened to people who said "you can do it - only two more weeks!" Josie would almost certainly be with us today.

She was perfect. Nothing wrong at all. Work related hypertension (I'm talking 3.30am get-up, 11.30pm get _home_ let alone get to bed, on too many days - the rest were "only" 5.30am to 9.30-10.30pm) caused a rare side-effect leading to her placental abruption. Had I had a clue, I would have been able to change the outcome.

That's not conjecture, it's fact. Had I had an autopsy done, I would have had enough to sue the company I worked for. As it was, I couldn't stand her little body getting cut into. So, factually speaking, there will never be any justice for her, and this company (and many corporations like it) will continue to produce medically dangerous situations in it's workers, and undoubtedly their unborn children, all for the sake of money.

The most I could do was quit work and go freelance when I got pregnant again. And, ironically, I get some stick for doing that when I had a "good job" that paid me however many thousands of dollars a year.

It's amazing how money overtakes human life on so many occasions. Just little bits of paper and metal, but for some reason, they take precedence over life. Over children. Over babies.

My friend Tara's second son had a velamentous cord insertion: they didn't see it on any of the ultrasounds either - they found it during her attemped VBAC just in time to do an emergency cesarean... He lived, but it was a seriously close call.

This wasn't your fault, mama. If either one of us is at fault for the loss of our children, it's me - realistically, I should have said "no" when I felt overwhelmed. I shouldn't have been so confident in my non-superhuman abilities to do what the company told me I ought to be capable of doing in the third trimester of pregnancy. Those are just facts. I still didn't kill my baby though...

*HUGE hugs* XxXxX


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

Ummm... I could have written this post, like today. And its a frequent conversation at our house, and continually comes up with our current pregnancy. I am tired and really want to give a more in depth response later, but I totally feel your pain. It just sucks and creates this infinite amount of distrust in relationships that used to be that expert and patient. You are not alone.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)




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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I have. Our daughter was stillborn to uterine rupture (previous cesarean scar). I had been complaining to my doc of pain down there...he wrote it off as "round ligament pains" and sent me on my way. She could have been saved, too. As a person who had been to the er twice for early labor, I am not sure why he would wait until 39 1/2 weeks to schedule my section. She died (I went into labor and ruptured completely) 5 days before the scheduled date.
I totally understand the frustration and anger you are going through. It has been almost 4 years since our baby girl passed and it is still hard.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

(((HUGS))) I'm not certain. Reading your story really doesn't give me a lot of confidence in the "professionals" and whether they are reading those NST's correctly. I have a lot of anger but not because I think she could of been saved (which Norah totally could have) but just because she died. I want my baby girl here. The reality is that she is not and it makes me very angry.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

s Chesire.
Yes.
In my son's case, we knew it was a cord accident (wrapped around
his legs X3) and I also chose not to have an autopsy done.

The pathology report on the placenta and cord told several things,
including that he had probably been in some degree of distress for at least
several days. I also had had several odd episodes of fetal hyperactivity -
but when I had mentioned it to the doc, he just dismissed it.
He never suggested even a NST, and I didn't know enough to ask
for one.
Afterwards, I spent a loooong time dwelling on what-ifs.
I feel very stongly that my son would be alive today if my doc
and others . . . including me . . . had been a little more proactive.
(Although I also wonder if his health & quality of life would be compromised. And - if he _were_ here, it's unlikely my littlest boy would be.)
So hard.








Wishing you peace and comfort, Mama.


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## NWmt_mama (Jul 22, 2005)

I'm so sorry mama. You are correct - they should have caught the cord insertion and done more research. I'm just so so sorry you lost your DS. Your experience breaks my heart.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Cheshire. I would feel very angry and heartbroken in your shoes. I think the bottom line is we each want our babies back, we want what happened to not have happened, and I can only imagine how heart-wrenching it is to find out that in your son's case several people dropped the ball and it very well may have cost him his life.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

I'm so sorry. It does suck.


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## ladyjools (May 25, 2009)

i feel similar, compelty failed and let down by the medcal profession,
Samson would not have died had the simply taken some swabs and treated my infection before it broke my waters, as it stands they sent me home from hospital sevral times even though i was unwell, bleeding and eventually in agony, they made me feel like a paranoid time waster,
even AFTER i told them that my waters had broke they refused to scan me it wasn't until 2 weeks later when i changed to another hospital that i found out that there was massive infection in my womb, my waters had gone and the babe was to young to survive

its heartbreaking that i don't have my baby
and i am furious that nobody did anything to save him

Jools


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I am not 100% sure I have BTDT, but I do know we had a common complication of pregnancy. Of the few I have known who have had it, they all had extra monitoring at the end of pregnancy. My providers failed to do that, they failed to inform us of any potential complications, they also failed to take into consideration my history (of large babies) when looking to determine fetal growth rates.

For a long long long time I blamed my providers. I felt they had failed me, they had failed my baby and they had failed my family. Even though there was never an official, but a most likely cause was cord knot, I felt like had this other stuff been monitored for, this would have been caught.

It has taken me a few years, but I no longer blame them. But I also know that I can never trust them. I can never go back to them. I wish to never see them. And I wish to warn everyone off from using them.

I am sorry momma. Give yourself some time. Consult an attorney or two. Sueing them will not bring your child back, but it may give you some piece of mind that maybe, just maybe next time they will be more careful or maybe there will never be a next time.


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## MamaMelis (Oct 23, 2009)

Oh Mama.....reading this made me cry.

I have not BTDT but my heart goes out to you and I am so very sorry that you experienced this. Please know that I am thinking of you. I have every confidence that your son knew exactly how much you loved him the entirety of his time in your womb, and during his time on this Earth. I'm so sorry.


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## annekh23 (Nov 1, 2008)

I haven't BTDT in terms of losing a baby. Our daughter survived and at the same time I had unrelated severe complications. As we investigated my complications we found that had good communication occured, I'd have had a planned c-section, but that even then, no concerns about the baby were noticed. Things probably were handled correctly once her risk factors were discovered (low fluid, old meconium at 39+3, suggesting cord compression resulting in distress having occured), but her risk factors should have been discovered, particularly as she got monitored daily, simply because I was an inpatient and that was what they did, not because at that point they had any concerns about her.

My complications were life changing, this happened 4.5yrs ago and has had a huge affect on our lives, including deciding on no more children, though I got pregnant just before and appointment I'd scheduled to talk about making this decision permenant.

Adding a pregnancy has almost pushed us to our breaking points, if it's this hard when we have a healthy child, I can't imagine how hard it must be when it includes losing a child, this account brought me close to tears.

I also know that doctors are human and therefore make mistakes, which is why I am now a huge advocate of systems and cultures that accept that and provide checks and back ups, rather than a culture of closing ranks and covering up mistakes.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

So, so sorry


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

Cheshire,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm just sitting here with tears in my eyes. I think there's so many of us who feel very much like you do at some point.

My loss was 6.5 years ago. And there was lots of hard feelings right after the fact. I was with an OB and switched to a midwife in the 7th month, wanting a homebirth. My daughter was stillborn on her due date for "unknown reasons" but the autopsy and pathology report highlighted a number of areas that someone (??) should have picked up on...placenta much too small for gestational age, cord inserted erratically, signs of IUGR. Funny, when I got to the end of the 8th month/beginning of the 9th month and my belly measurements were not increasing, the midwife did not think anything of it...and the ultrasound did not pick up any of the problems with the cord and placenta. There were other problems too, including signs of an infection, undetected by all postnatal bloodwork, that ultimately led to my daughter's death.

Then my midwife went out of town for a delivery and had to cancel my routine appointment that week before my daughter died. I did not see her again until the day she came to the house and we could not find a heartbeat. So, there was a 2 week span at the end of my pregnancy, right before my daughter's death, that I wasn't being checked up on.

It didn't help that I had friends and people around me blaming my midwife. Personally, just in my case, I don't think she was at fault. There was just such a bad combo of events that caused everything to turn out the way it did. But her absence contributed I'm sure. Hmm...what if she'd heard a slowing heartbeat at that appointment she cancelled? Would things be different? I don't know.

I do know that I tortured myself with this for so long, way too long. I'm still grieving, still missing my daughter, still trying to find a way to live with her loss (6 years on and still trying!) but I won't blame myself or others...that is one thing I was finally ready to let go.

And yes mama, know that he felt your love. He did. The entire time.

I put that Pat Schwiebert poem into my daughter's funeral cards just because I liked the "It is I who never had a doubt about your love," line...I know in my heart it's true.

((HUGS))


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I can empathize, though my situation was different and my child didn't die. My middle daughter has cerebral palsy and cortical visual impairment from a massive prenatal stroke, and the "what ifs" are always there. I struggled a lot with guilt over pushing for a HBAC, if I had had a c/s at 38 weeks, she probaby would have been born before her stroke and it might not have ever happened. I don't know that for sure, but it's hard for me to live with the guilt. She'll be significantly disabled her entire life and it's probably my fault


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CherryBomb* 









I can empathize, though my situation was different and my child didn't die. My middle daughter has cerebral palsy and cortical visual impairment from a massive prenatal stroke, and the "what ifs" are always there. I struggled a lot with guilt over pushing for a HBAC, if I had had a c/s at 38 weeks, she probaby would have been born before her stroke and it might not have ever happened. I don't know that for sure, but it's hard for me to live with the guilt. She'll be significantly disabled her entire life and it's probably my fault



















I am sorry Mama... I don't want to give a pat answer, but you did not make your daughter disabled. I think it would be incredibly hard to approach each day if you feel responsible, and I can also imagine the what ifs are overwhelming.


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## Mami_2_IB_n_DJ (Jan 2, 2010)

I learned from my losses and finally found real good and caring professionals. I can not complain about the doctors that helped me bring to the world my DD in Puerto Rico and my DS here in Florida. What ever I felt wrong the checked right away. Even when I felt my son's movement slow down one day, they ran me to get an u/s and everything was ok. To this day 8 year later I have my what ifs about my 1st 2 losses.


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## liz-hippymom (Jul 17, 2003)

i am in the middle of where you are at too mama, i just posted about it on my blog
www.ecmama.blogspot.com

basically my daughter died three weeks ago (today) of a placental abruption. one that, had i been in the hospital
(from the begining instead of a planned homebirth), would have been caught and she would have been saved.
God is giving me peace over this, but i can tell you that for any future pregnancies i may be blessed to have i wouldn't go near homebirth with a ten foot pole.
it's funny to even see myself typing this, as i have spent so many years being sucha homebirth advocate... sigh


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## mountainmummy (Sep 12, 2007)

Oh Cheshire, so, so, btdt. I don't have time tonight to write it all out, but will try to come back and finish tomorrow. I know the awful feelings of regret, doubt, anger and guilt. So, so sorry.


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