# This can't be how it ends...



## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Yesterday I set up a shelf in my living room that celebrates all that my babies would have been. Purple and yellow objects...a tiny print of Alexanders footprints...an empty vase for what I never got to see of Simon...some little toys...a photo of my family...a fertility statue...a tiki man from Hawaii...two candles...a sculpture...a little bowl with two little purple stones...

the list goes on.

I sat on the couch for a minute..and then got up to light the candles. The flames would rise...and then extinguish. I tried again. A brief moment of flame...and then...nothing.

I started to cry when I ran out of matches. The candles would not support a sustainable flame. Just like my babies. They just...went out.

There was a visable wick. It should have held the fire. But...it just wouldn't.

Nothing I could think to do helped.

The candles will not burn.

and my babies are dead.

I should be 7 months pregnant...full of two babies....I should have danced on the solstice around a bon fire...a birth goddess.

I should be preparing my home for baby-ness.

I should be round and full instead of empty.

The candles should have never stopped burning. That isn't how it is supposed to be.

This can't be how it all ends.

There should be a way to brighten this tear stained path....


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

I still have all of Soren's things (minus him and his urn-- those are on my dresser) sitting in the tote we brought them back from the funeral in. I am just not ready to go through them and find them a "final resting place" in the house. Part of it is that I don't know where to put them, part of it is that it feels too permanent-- like his death.

It's hard when things, random things that never happen like candles refusing to stay lit, remind us of the random thing that never happens that happened to us and our sons.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

You're right-it isn't how it should end. I am just so very sorry.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am very sorry! Hugs to you.

Take care,

Jen


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## MoonWillow (May 24, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I also have Lachlan's things in a tote, and it sits in DH's wardrobe. I don't want there to be an end and for it all to be finished and complete. I'm so sorry. It's so hard to think of there being any kind of end for our babies.


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## amberchap (Jan 14, 2007)

It isn't how it should have ended and it does seem so unfair when we are reminded of what we should have had. I don't believe this life is the end though and my boys just went ahead on the journey and I will join them later. That gets me through those hard and tearful days thinking how joyous our reunion will be.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I have all my son's stuff in sort of a hope chest. I don't go through the chest very often but when I do it is still so sad and surreal that he's not here with me.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I'm so so sorry, mama.









William's things are in his memory box from the hospital. That's in the nursery. I put it in there and shut the door.

But we have the cedar box DH bought for his urn and the knife he would have used to cut his cord and some other things, that's in our room, along with a picture of William on top, and some special cards and gifts we received.

My DH burned a candle for William the night he died... and I was so angry at that candle. Candles were for the dead. My baby was dead. I didn't want a candle, I wanted my baby. I still grit my teeth every time I think about it.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I told my sweet husband last night about how sad I was about the candles not lighting...he got right up and brought me a new candle that was still all wrapped up. It was a candle I'd forgotton about that he bought for me while I was pregnant. He said..."Here....light this one. It's a pear...for our twins...our pair of boys. It's for our love that made them..and that will never die."

I'm crying just thinking about what he said. Our love will never die. In that love...our pair of babies will always be here with us. And the pear candle does burn...like a candle should...It's about love, not loss. Maybe there is a reason I had to have candles fail to light. Through that my husband reminded me where our babies have always come from. Beautiful, intense, passionate love. Love that can not be extinguished. Not even in the hurricane of grief.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

you're right, you should be round and full with your babies. i should be too. we all should be and it just sucks.

what your husband said is so incredibly sweet. and he's right too.


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