# negative four year old



## juicylucy (May 20, 2002)

My son is seen by others as being a sweet, sensitive boy. He is these things. But he is also very negative and contrary, and I am finding it hard lately knowing how to handle it. It is starting to really get me down. I have posted before about his contrariness, but it has never improved. Here is an example- he will ask to go to the park, or we will go because we have a playdate arranged. He will say "I'm not going, go without me", even though I KNOW he wants to go. Sometimes I will say "fine, I'm leaving" and walk to the car- he will follow (I hate doing this though- it feels cruel). Then on the way to the park, he will say over and over "I'm not going, I'll stay in the car". Once we get there though, he will get out and go and play, and be a delight again. This happens every time, wherever we go. And whatever we do. He always says opposite. I will say, "wow Gabe, look how sunny it is today", and he will say, "no, it is raining".

His negativity is getting worse though, and the way he speaks to me is getting worse, and I feel very disrespected. I don't think I deserve respect just because I am his mum, I think I deserve respect because I am a human being, just like him. Last night in the back of the car, he said, "mumm, I am going to kill you", and pretended to fire a gun at me. I felt like screaming at him, but I kept my cool, and told he I was disppointed he would say that. His reply was, "I don't care, you stink". So, what should I do with this???? Is GDing him a mistake? I am clueless, but I WILL not have anyone talk to me like that, child or not. Please I would lvoe some advice. Sorry this post is long-winded, I am having trouble putting my thoughts into words.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *juicylucy*
but I WILL not have anyone talk to me like that, child or not.

Tell him that. In a firm tone of voice. As you would tell me if I said something like that (I don't know you, it's just an example :LOL )

You probably would not tell me "Irina, I am disappointed that you told me I suck". You would probably tell me something along the lines of "DO. NOT. TALK. TO. ME. THAT WAY. EVER" or anything to relay to me that you are damn serious about it.

Stop the car. Look him staight in the eye.

I am all for GD and no punishment. You know if you read my posts. But I am not into "self destruction". By firmly standing to protect your dignity you will set an example to your DS for the future.

Just re-read my post - let me assure you I am also NOT into being harsh, or scaring the kid. I am sure you will find that fine line that will work for your child (not to overdo it so it scares him)


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## juicylucy (May 20, 2002)

thanks Irina- I have tried that approach. I think I am missing the fine line between shouting it at him, and being too calm, IYKWIM. I have done both, and neither work.


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

Hi Juicylucy! Our little ones are the same age difference apart!
Funny ( because I was really really compliant and" good" as a kid) But my mom said" its good that they learn to stand up for themselves and be a little defiant.... its the really " good " kids you have to worry about!"
My litttle guy seems a lot like yours, and I know how horrible it feels to be treated meanly, and how exausting it can be to deal with anyone negative around you all day. I think I even got a little bit depressed about my 4 year olds negative behavior.... we werent having fun doing ANYTHING! I would try to be positive but nothing was working. It really has been working itself out.
We tried some homeopathy for my sons athsma, and it seemed that he was internalising his anger and didn't know how to become unstuck. After the prescribed remedy he was having crazy outbursts and all sorts of unpleasent to be around behavior. It was easier for me to surrender to it though and be supportive of what he was feeling because I thought it was part off the homeopathic process.... but really I think I was getting into this weird " stuck " battle with him and the negativity before. Anyhow things really changed for him in that period. I think we both became unstuck. I don't know if this help at all... or if it is a big mumbled mess!!!
What always works to break the negative mode in the moment is a little bit of " tickle medicine"..... " What was that?.... You look like you are in need of some tickle medicine" give him the silly stink eye and then pull it out of your pocket or a drawer near you, and get him with the "tickle medicine"!


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## obiandelismom (May 31, 2005)

Probably you're already doing this, but just in case not - are you trying to do reflective listening when he's negative? Even just ,"You really don't feel like going to the park today. Sometimes I don't feel like going out either, but once I do, I always have fun."

I think my ds gets negative sometimes when he's trying to be sure that I'm hearing him. It's like he wants to be outrageous so that he'll get a reaction from me, but since it's not REALLY the attention he needs, he keeps it up no matter what my reaction is (ie, yelling or ignoring or denying or whatever). Once I make it clear to him that I HEAR him and that his feelings are ok (even if they don't change the course of our day), then he relaxes and we can reconnect.

Good luck!


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