# Would you send your 1-year-old on a vacation for a week with your parents but w/out you?



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I have a friend with a 1-year-old boy, not sure precisely how many months old but pretty newly walking, whose grandparents (the mom's parents) want to spend time with him. They don't live near these grandparents so they found this to be a solution.

I wouldn't have been able to do it because mine were still nursing frequently at that age, but this mom is no longer nursing her baby.

Honestly, even without nursing it seems really really young, and it's during the whole separation anxiety age. On the other hand, I do understand the grandparents wanting to spend time with their little grandson. And I think that grandparent/grandchild relationship is worth nurturing.

What do you think?


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

It truly depends on the baby. My nieces were spending 2 weeks at a time with their grandparents by age 2, something my own girls wouldn't make it through.


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## MaggieLC (Sep 2, 2013)

Just my 2 cents, I know it would have been too young for any of my kids. My kids were all still nursing, and even the one who weaned at close to a year and a half wouldn't been happy away from Mama for a week! Babies and toddlers need their Mamas for other things than nursing!

My husband works with a man who is on his second marriage and his wife has a baby every year (I think they are up to 4 now all under 6) and she sends them to Lithuania for a couple of months every summer starting in late infancy. I know my DH thinks this is kind of neglectful, as she's always complaining about "how much work" her kids are. I dunno. I seems to young to me.


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## Red Pajama (Jun 11, 2007)

no. That's too young for me.


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## voca (Jul 28, 2010)

I think it depends on the child. I wouldn't send my four-year old on a weeks vacation with her Nana and Papa who she loves dearly and sees multiple times a week, but that is because she has a high level of need for her parents still. In contrast, when I was 2-6 I spent a week with my Grandmother and Great-Grandmother every year and I was always thrilled to go and never wanted to come home. So while 1 is quite young, I can easily imagine a 1-year old who would be perfectly happy and indeed enjoy it a great deal.


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## Alena Kubalcova (Nov 12, 2013)

now i have to register  ok, tell your friend, that baby until 2 years of age would really grieve for its mother. if the child is very attached to her it could take longer time to let him go alone. the result probably would be that it will fear any moment she would leave for a while like she will never come back... for further information about child´s feeling at this stage see Attachment theory by John Bowlby.


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## sedasim (Aug 7, 2012)

I can't believe this.. Really I felt very sorry for the littles.


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## Alison Day (Sep 14, 2013)

If Grandma was a more frequent part of their life to begin with it might work better... being with someone relatively unknown for that period of time would be confusing and scary for some children.


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## whiskeyandwater (Oct 4, 2013)

I couldn't stand it but I can see how some parents/kids could. My son was very attached to his grandparents from birth, they live nearby and he sees them frequently, and honestly he probably would have been fine at that age for at least a few days with them. Not sure about any longer than that though. I would be worried though in this case that the grandparents haven't spent much time with the child from what you posted here, and 1 is still too young to understand time, "we'll be back later," etc. so seems like it could be traumatic for them, and if it does go badly what's their plan then? It's not the same as with my inlaws where I could just drive five minutes away and get him if he had a hard time. I just couldn't do it.


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## foodymama (Feb 5, 2009)

I had to have surgery when DD was 15 mo and she had to stay with her grandparents for 3 days. Being away from her was possibly the most horrible thing I ever had to endure (much worse than the surgery). When she came home she was actually shy with me at first and it broke my heart. While the whole experience was traumatizing to me, DD did really well with her grandparents during the day. She cried and missed me the most at bedtime. But overall, if the surgery wouldn't have been necessary there is no way I would have been apart from her voluntarily at that age.


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## akmama71 (Nov 1, 2012)

No. Operative word being "vacation"...No. Weaned or not it is my opinion that unless of course there is some emergency that necessitates it, one is developmentally too young to be separated from momma for that long unless absolutely necessary.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Yes I would and I did. When dd was 15 mo, she traveled with dh to see our extended family overseas. Because of my work, I could only join them two weeks later. She had a great time, was spoiled and loved by two sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles. I pumped while I she was away, and she went back to nursing when we were reunited (she self-weaned many years later).

I think if the child is comfortable with the adults she is entrusted to it can be a very positive experience for everyone involved.


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## Maria Van (Apr 12, 2012)

To me this sounds like a bad idea. To a degree something like this will depend on individual kids/parents, but if this is a solution to having time with the grandkids than that would suggest the grandparents are not a regular part of this childs life. a week is a long time for a one year old, even with relatives he or she knows well. To leave a one year old with relative strangers for an entire week sounds disastrous and possibly downright cruel. How about a family vacation where mom and dad and grandparents spend a week together?


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## Monica S (Oct 31, 2012)

@transylvania_mom - is your avatar photo from Sighisoara by any chance?

When I was little, I was raised mostly by my grandparents (now I don't remember the exact age when it started), as both my parents were working full-time jobs. I'd sometimes not see my parents for days and would spend weeks on end on summer vacations just with my grandparents. Same with my younger brother. While I'm sure we missed our parents (I can't remember that too much), I think we mostly missed our grandparents when the time came to go back home. We actually had "reversed separation anxiety." I remember that when I turned 7 years old and had to start school, I could no longer spend extended periods of time with my grandparents, so had to move back in with my parents permanently. I cried so much for days that I can't live without grandma, to the point that she had to move in with us for a while.

While I wouldn't recommend it for 1 year olds, for toddlers and kindergarten kids I think it's actually a positive experience. My parents were both so busy making a living. We couldn't afford a nanny, nor did any nannies exist where I grew up. My grandmother was an educated retired woman with a lot of time on her hands, who took me to museums, to parks, to the library, read me books, taught me how to read and write, taught me basic vocabulary in 3 different languages and all that before starting school.

Of course this is different from family to family, but in some parts of the world it is normal to leave your child for extended periods of time with the grandparents.


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## newmama8824 (Jul 8, 2007)

Me personally??? HECK NO.


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## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

As a grandmother I wouldn't want my grandchilren to do this. If I couldn't go vist them or they couldn't come vist me with their mother then I would wait until they were older. I'm in this situation right now and haven't seen my 2 year old grandson in over a year.


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## girligoddess (Jul 31, 2010)

I actually have heard that child development experts think a child should not be separated for extended periods from their mother's until 3 years old.

I don't have any family that we could leave our kids with anyway so my 6 and 10 year old haven't been without me except for an occasional sleepover at a friends. I wouldn't if I could though until about 5 personally.


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## heather hopkins (Nov 13, 2013)

no way...I would not be able to do it. I would not send my 6 & 10 yr olds away for a wk anywhere with anyone....call me over protective but I think little ones should be with their momma!!!


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

No, I wouldn't do it (emergencies are different of course). One is too young for either of my babies to have spent that long away from me (or their dad) and be ok with it, even with people they know well.

I agree that the grandparent relationship is important but if we couldn't travel and they couldn't travel then it would have to wait.

ETA - and indeed that is what we did for the first year and a half of my oldest DD's life. We or my parents travelled to see each other. And then they moved 5 minutes away for which we are extremely grateful and feel very blessed.


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## CA Country Girl (Aug 13, 2011)

Not to be rude- but it is not your child and you don't know the grandparents and their level of nurturance and the mother has already stopped nursing, why is it anyone else's business. I nurse my kids 'til two and their grandparents aren't suited for this type of vacation, but I know plenty of kids that are as comfortable with their grandparents as they are with their parents. In light of all the real problems children face, this seems to be a perfectly healthy choice for many families.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I didn't see this thread as the OP looking for advice on how/whether to talk to the family she mentioned. I interpreted it as raising an interesting point for discussion.

I was left with my grandparents for 6 weeks when I was about 18 months old. They were people I knew well and saw often. I don't know how I responded. They have both died now and I imagine that they would have glossed over any trauma when talking to my parents. I do know that I cried at the airport when my grandparents left after delivering me back to my parents. I was left with the GPs while my parents drove 3000km to set up our new home/business in an isolated wilderness area. We lived in two tents for the first 6 months.

I doubt it is a choice I would make but DH and I do not have the same pioneering spirit my parents do. And they created a wonderful life for us and are now reaping the benefits themselves having self-funded their retirement at 46 & 50 years old.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I wouldn't have done that and my daughter wouldn't have been happy if I had. She saw my parents daily and still would've been very upset to have been left with them instead of me. My husband traveled from work almost from the beginning and by the time she was a year old, those trips of his were really hard on her. I can't imagine her "losing" both of us for a week.

My in laws live in another country and do not get to see my daughter often. She doesn't really know them. IMO, if they want to see her, they can come to us or we can visit as a family but even now I'm not handing my daughter off to strangers for a week. It doesn't matter that I know and trust them, she doesn't.

I can see how it might be necessary for one reason or another or if the child has a close relationship to the parents, but dropping them off with people who would be strangers to the child? No.


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## MaggieLC (Sep 2, 2013)

I'm hearing situations where people had been handed over to their grandparents, I'm guessing the GPs were loving people and took good care of the children.







Some of these people seem to see this as a positive thing, but most don't tend to remember their emotional state immediately after being left by their parents in most families, it isn't optimal or common. I don't see this as "common" anywhere in the world that I know of for babies and toddlers who are usually still nursing at these ages. Maybe for preteens, in some situations, but I think when we are looking at optimal situations parents raise and take daily care of the children they chose to bring into the world.

I think it begs us to think of what are plans are when we plan our families and make the difficult decision to bring our OWN children into the world! Are our children so much in the way that we need someone else to raise them for weeks, months or years at a time? In most families, I think this wouldn't be planned and I think most families and certainly most mothers would do anything to prevent situations where her children are being raised by someone else to the point where they experience Separation Anxiety when given back to the woman who bore them. It just sounds sad to me.

Perhaps some have histories where they see this as common, but I think in Optimal Family Situations most people would chose to avoid leaving their children due to having something better to do with their time than raise the children they brought into the world.

One of my close friends had this happen to her, she and her siblings were left with an aunt while her mother "pursued her dreams." The aunt was a violent alcoholic, already raising 6 and then 7 of her own children, my friend was put into the position at 8 and 9 years old to not only take care of the younger children, but to get up at night with both her aunt's and her teen age cousin's babies and formula feed and comfort them leaving her exhausted the next day and having to go through a school day on broken sleep. She didn't see this situation as loving or caring. She saw her mother's actions as neglect, which I strongly agree it was.

My middle daughter's boyfriend has had similar situations. His mother had a job, which she chose that took her on a lot of travel. He says "My siblings and I were just dumped on whatever relatives would take us for months at a time. My mom evidently had better things to do with her time than care for us. My dad had a new family and at that point couldn't care less about us." He, also, sees these situations as neglect.

From what I have seen in my life, these situations and emotions are the norm for "relatives raising other people's children," not the exception.

Sorry, but I feel really strongly about people who DECIDE to have children pawning those kids off on someone else while they "pursue dreams" or whatever excuse they give. Perhaps in some situations the children see the situations as preferable to living with their own parents but I think that tells us a lot about the family structure they were in before they were given to someone else to be raised. Again, thinking about this makes me sad.

My parents were never "parents of the year" but they never gave me away for care for weeks or months at a time. I do remember staying overnight, one night at a time, at my gramma's house when I was in grade school, but we had lived with her during my preschool age years, so we were quite close. It was NEVER more than one night, until I became a teenager and my cousins and I would stay with her after my grandfather died, her house was broken into and she was afraid to be alone for long weekends during vacations. But, that was our choice, and we were mostly grown. (it was also a way for my boy cousins and I to be in a situation where we had much different supervision than we had with our parents, so we got pretty wild and our elderly grandmother was none the wiser.) My parents made the decision to live frugally (probably more than they had to) so that not only they could raise me, but so my mom could be home with me. I do admire them for that choice.

My father had a nervous breakdown when I was around 3 and it took him a long time to recover, he didn't work for 2 or 3 years, and it would have been really easy for my parents to give my care over to my grandma or one of my aunts, using the excuse "V. is really sick and we need to get our lives together. Maggie being here is just a hassle so Gramma can have her until we're more stable and have an income." But, they chose NOT to do that to their child and struggle through as a complete family. I'm grateful for that.

Other people's mileage may vary.


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## RosemaryV (Aug 30, 2013)

I can't imagine leaving my baby for even a night at that age, barring an emergency, let alone a week...it is especially concerning that the grandparents likely aren't very familiar to the baby, as they live far away.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to do this until the teen years...granted, I stayed with my own grandparents for full summers when I was in elementary school and middle school, and tons of weekends during the school year. They lived in the next town and were like a second set of parents, though. My parents visited a few times a week while I was at my grandparents' house for summers anyway.

We live hours from both of our parents now, so I would absolutely NOT be comfortable doing this with our daughter...I think she would feel abandoned and frightened, and my heart would break from not being with her every day.


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## manysplinters (Oct 1, 2012)

I have some friends who have done this but I couldn't do it myself.

Growing up, I saw my grandmothers maybe once every 4 years (both grandfathers had died). I find it really weird that any grandparent would expect this and that any parent would agree to this. At this point have no intention of ever giving in to the very loud hints that my DH's mom makes about having the kids go visit her for an extended time (several thousand miles away). Maybe when they are 10 or older.

Even though it can be tedious and I sometimes get frustrated, my kids are amazing little creatures that change every day. I can't imagine not having my kids near me and getting to see them regularly. I might feel different if I felt like the grandparent was going to respect how I raise my kids (nutrition-wise, no TV, playing outside, entertaining themselves, not buying plastic crap, no Disney/Dora/princess crap etc) but I know that is not what would happen. DH's mom has made it clear she thinks her role is to spoil and do things that we have clearly said we don't agree with.

I feel like grandparents had their kids, and did their time as parents, and now I am the parent. I feel so lucky to be a parent, and I don't want someone else parenting my child - it's as simple as that. I know my DH had good experiences getting to be with his grandparents, and he relates far more to their way of life (rural, self-sufficient) than to his own parents' (urban, civil servant) so I realize that there may be some relenting on my part, but definitely not for me while a child is just a toddler.


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## rosie2727 (Sep 14, 2013)

My opinion is that it's harder on the parent than the child. Most parents haven't even sent their little one for one overnight stay at that point. And for the ppl I know, the only reason they haven't is because they can't handle it. Not because the child can't handle it. Now sure, a week is vastly different than one night. But I think it's easy for some moms to hide behind the fact that it's a week....but would they admit they wouldn't/couldn't do it for even one night? Idk. And no, I've never sent my kids away for an entire week. So I'm certainly not trying to justify my own actions. I just think a lot of moms make up every excuse in the book because they can't handle things.


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## manysplinters (Oct 1, 2012)

@rosie2727

I'll freely admit that a lot of it is about me, but I don't think that not sending my kids away harms them, either. I don't think I have to make up any excuse not to do it. As a parent, I get to make that decision - kind of like whether I put my kid in preschool, or send them to gymnastics, or whatever. If my I want to maximize the time in my child's childhood that I get to spend with her, for me and for her, I think that's ok. There was a prior post about a parent who needed surgery, and I could totally see it under those circumstances. But if we're available, DH and I will be the parents to our children. It's not the grandparents' honour to be our children's parents, it's ours.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

This is one of the most "Not my kid, Not my call" things I can imagine.

When my kids were actually one, I would not, personally, have done this. I was way too wracked up about how much time I was able to spend with my kids. It wouldn't have felt okay to me.

If the things that had happened to my when my youngest was two had happened when she was one, heck yes, I'd have sent the baby to spend a week with her grands.

I really can't evaluate what's right for someone else's family in this regard.


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## rosie2727 (Sep 14, 2013)

I agree it's our job to parent. And it's the grandparents' job to grandparent. That is a role that does exist. But I just have so many friends that won't let their children stay one night with grandma bc of their own hang ups. And I believe a grandparent/grandchild relationship is something special that too many moms are not allowing to form simply bc they freak out at the notion of them being away. I loved my grandma dearly and LOVED going to spend the night with her occasionally when growing up. If my mom had kept that from me on purpose I would resent her today for it. And of course this is all based on the presumption the grandparent is a good, loving person. I have friends whose grandparents are complete jerks. No need to send child over to those kind of people! I have one friend who's DH got fed up and tried to take their baby to his parents' house - just for a visit - not even overnight. She literally threatened to call the cops! Cuckoo!! Granted, this is an extreme example, but to varying degrees, this happens ALL the time. I just think it's sad. Makes me wonder how we'll all feel one day if our kids don't allow us to have our grand kids overnight....


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

My youngest didn't have separation anxiety all that much. She was/is just a crazy happy baby. Not that kids with separation anxiety aren't happy - just to say that my youngest just didn't even have that normal phase of development. I left her for 3 nights when she was about a year old. With her dad, yes, but still. I was the nursing parent. She did FINE. Just like totally fine. So, I guess if a nursing, "attached", co-sleeping mother can find herself in a position where 3 nights "just for fun" feels like the right choice, I can imagine another family feeling like 7 nights is the right choice, yk?

I do agree that part of this is a unique decision to make as a family - certainly the trade off of an involved extended family is something I would take into consideration. I raised my first for nearly 6 years with little extended family in our lives (we lived thousands of miles away) and I can tell you that it's a hard way to go and I totally understand making major sacrifices to avoid going it alone.

I am now raising my second with lots of family around (we moved "back home"). I leave her more because I have so many people in our lives that I trust and I can honestly say that it is better for ALL involved but especially my child. I am def. not one who subscribes to the idea that "AP" means not spending time away from your kids even, I guess, at a relatively young age.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I cant imagine doing it. For a start, i would lose my milk supply. Im sure it would be traumatizing for dd....


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## Kaydove (Jul 29, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *transylvania_mom*
> 
> Yes I would and I did. When dd was 15 mo, she traveled with dh to see our extended family overseas. Because of my work, I could only join them two weeks later. She had a great time, was spoiled and loved by two sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles. I pumped while I she was away, and she went back to nursing when we were reunited (she self-weaned many years later).
> 
> I think if the child is comfortable with the adults she is entrusted to it can be a very positive experience for everyone involved.


I think this is different than OP because your DD had DH with her. In the OP's friend's situation, its grandparents who the child doesn't know well, without any parents.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Kaydove*
> 
> I think this is different than OP because your DD had DH with her. In the OP's friend's situation, its grandparents who the child doesn't know well, without any parents.


Based in the OP we really don't know how well the kids know their grandparents, just that they live a distance away (how far exactly isn't specified - so it's possible that they might only live an hour's drive or less away) and want to spend more time with their grandkids.

Isn't there also a chance that there is something going on in the parent's lives that they need their parents help with childcare? I'm just not comfortable judging these parents as making a poor choice for their family based on such limited information. Loving grandparents are a wonderful thing for kids - my nieces would often spend a month at a time over the summer with their grandparents and they grew into amazing, confident women. For some people, kids included, extended visits with loving family just works.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TCMoulton*
> 
> Based in the OP we really don't know how well the kids know their grandparents, just that they live a distance away (how far exactly isn't specified - so it's possible that they might only live an hour's drive or less away) and want to spend more time with their grandkids.
> 
> Isn't there also a chance that there is something going on in the parent's lives that they need their parents help with childcare? I'm just not comfortable judging these parents as making a poor choice for their family based on such limited information.


Right. I think it's an interesting thing to just ponder how we as mothers respond to a thought experiment like this. Do we go way negative? Way personal? Do we stretch to relate to this stranger family? Do we go literal? I think how we respond to a thought experiment like this says way more about us than anything else.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *IdentityCrisisMama*
> 
> Right. I think it's an interesting thing to just ponder how we as mothers respond to a thought experiment like this. Do we go way negative? Way personal? Do we stretch to relate to this stranger family? Do we go literal? I think how we respond to a thought experiment like this says way more about us than anything else.


ICM, that's exactly where I am with this. My answer is ALL about me, because the first thing I think is "medical crisis," and having been where I have for the past year, the second place I go is that if there's not a medical crisis now, how nice to have an unstressful vacation that might accidentally prepare the kid to spend time with grandparents if there's a medical crisis later.

I can work at it and imagine situations in which the week with grandparents is a bad idea, but it's not where I go naturally. I'm pretty sure, though, if you'd asked me when my son was one year old, I'd have been all "No! Don't send the poor baby away!"


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MeepyCat*
> 
> ICM, that's exactly where I am with this. My answer is ALL about me, because the first thing I think is "medical crisis," and having been where I have for the past year, the second place I go is that if there's not a medical crisis now, how nice to have an unstressful vacation that might accidentally prepare the kid to spend time with grandparents if there's a medical crisis later.












One of the hardest things to hold, IMO, is both the belief in the importance of the choices we make as parents AND the incredible resilience of our children. I really can't imagine parenting without both of these ideas firmly held in my heart.

Quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald:


> The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.


I totally get you on the "better be prepared" thing. Parenting these past two years with lots of extended family is such a wonderful experience. I realize it's impossible to crystal ball into the hows and whys that make our kids who they are but my gut tells me that my child raised with lots of extended family is happier and more secure as a result.

If we got deep into what is more culturally "normal" from a historical perspective I'd wager the OP's choice against the nuclear family with little support outside the parent unit.


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## sassyfirechick (Jan 21, 2012)

I couldn't do it. I had a hard enough time spending one night away from my DD the day before she turned one when DH took me out for the night and we got a hotel since it was going to be late and we didn't want to do the long drive back. I had pumped and she was with my parents who are phenomenal with her but I still couldn't relax. I just took a trip with DD and mom to see my sister but it's something I could never imagine even DH doing and she's 2 now. Sure every kid is different, but I want too much to be part of her life now while she's young and wants me around!


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## heathernj (Jan 21, 2011)

My kids have all still been nursing several times a day at a year old. My MIL has been hinting about having our 5 and 6.5 year-olds visit her in MO (we live in MT), but that would mean them flying alone, which isn't going to happen till they're a good bit older, and not even then unless the TSA gives up groping children at airports.


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

I would never have done it. I don't think it's acceptable to leave an infant overnight without there being some sort of emergency. I believe it to be traumatizing, even on a subconscious level. If a baby is removed from its mother for a long period and doesn't seem to be suffering, I would question that child's attachment to its mother. But that's just me...


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## beautifulnm (Dec 12, 2008)

Nope. It just wouldn't happen unless like other posters said it was necessitated by an emergency, but even then it would be a strange occurrence if dh couldn't take them. Even if the gps are distant I think I would suggest they come stay with us rather than my children being separated from us for a significant time period. If they're spending a week with the kids they've apparently cleared their schedule at least somewhat so you might as well just come stay with us.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *blessedwithboys*
> 
> I would never have done it. I don't think it's acceptable to leave an infant overnight without there being some sort of emergency. I believe it to be traumatizing, even on a subconscious level. If a baby is removed from its mother for a long period and doesn't seem to be suffering, I would question that child's attachment to its mother. But that's just me...


I think the problem with this is that we (I assume) are lay people interpreting scholarship on attachment theory. I have read that separation anxiety is a good sign - considered part of healthy development. That makes sense to me. But, when we talk about this -- I wonder if we are not looking at the bigger picture. Some people are suggesting that leaving a child over night at all in infancy/early childhood can be damaging. For the record, I would not choose to leave my infant for a week. But, I don't think the scholarship backs up some of what has been suggested - that is is less than ideal for a child to be cared for by people other than her/his parents, that a child who seems OK over night w/o a parent is not attached and etc. We know that we want infants to develop secure attachment(s) to caregivers.

Talking about what is "ideal" is sort of tough because that's pretty subjective and I doubt that any of us are living this ideal life. When I read some of the posts here I will admit that the parenting philosophy that focuses really strongly on just a mother/child bond and the nuclear family -- that, to me, does not sound ideal.

So, to me, leaving an infant (almost toddler, really) with a grandparent for a week does not feel ideal -- neither does the scenario where the child has no other attachment outside of the parent unit. And that may well be where the parents in the OP found themselves. So the OP family may well have felt like they were finding the balance between two less-than-ideal situations. I think we've all been there.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My mom had a baby when I was about the age of this little boy and I was at my grandma's house for I think more than a week while she was in the hospital and then got things settled. (He was a premature and this was in the late 60s.)

When I heard about it, I was torn between two thoughts. I can't imagine doing it on one hand, but how much I adored my grandma and how close and wonderful our relationship was, in part because I spent the night, or nights, there from time to time.

So this is not a close friend and I don't have all the details, but the grandparents live in another state in the upper midwest, I'm going to guess a 6-hour drive or so. I don't think the grandparents are strangers - they drive up to visit when they can - but obviously they aren't as close to the baby as they want to be because they want more time, and I think specifically time alone with him. I remember my inlaws wanting to watch my kids without me and their dad when they were littler and their point was that there's a different dynamic when the grandparents are taking care of them and responsible, then when the grandparents are around but the parents are still taking care of the kids and responsible. Obviously I didn't go for it, but that was partly because we were nursing all the time and co-sleeping.

I don't know. I can really see both sides, which is why I thought it would be an interesting conversation here. Grandparent relationships are important and I get wanting to nurture that relationship, because I was so close to my grandmother and I think our close relationship was really beneficial to me. But one year is so young and I can't imagine that my kids would have handled it. But on the other hand this little boy isn't nursing or co-sleeping and the hardest parts for my kids would have been not being able to nurse and co-sleep with me.


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## Triniity (Jul 15, 2007)

No. In an emergency situation like me in hospital I would love them to care for them *in our home*, and with DH and maybe a semi-emergency - maybe.

I would not let them not be in their normal environment without their mommy. (or their daddy if that's the primary care giver). I don't think it's healthy. Plus, I would not want them to be away a WHOLE week (but that might be selfish  )

In fact, my daughter was allowed a week with their grandparents this time first year. She is seven . My son, who is five, is not yet there. I believe. I need to be absolutely sure that they can handle it, or they need to be close enough to be picked up in an instance, if they start grieving.

My personal experience is: I was totally fine from like four or something, with my grandparents. But my little sister, four years younger than me, would not stay anywhere overnight. Ever. Even if she wanted to stay SO MUCH. She pleaded, my parents left her and my Dad picked her up a couple of hours later.

But one year would be too young for me, I think they really need to be verbal and mature enough that they can actually say that they want to go home.


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

No way--NEVER! I could never let one of my children at that age be away for a day, let alone a week. I can't even wrap my brain around the thought of having a one year old child away that long. Grandparents could visit, maybe even babysit for a few hours if they wanted, but long stays are better left for older children, imo. A 10 year old spend a week at Grandma's? Sure.


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## MaggieLC (Sep 2, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> My mom had a baby when I was about the age of this little boy and I was at my grandma's house for I think more than a week while she was in the hospital and then got things settled. (He was a premature and this was in the late 60s.)
> 
> ...


I kind of understand what you are trying to say, but from my POV a baby who is not still nursing and not co-sleeping needs his Mama just as much (maybe more) than a child who has these benefits.

I don't think ABM fed, sleeping alone babies need their Mamas less than any other child. Probably needs them more.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> My mom had a baby when I was about the age of this little boy and I was at my grandma's house for I think more than a week while she was in the hospital and then got things settled. (He was a premature and this was in the late 60s.)
> 
> ...


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

Totally. I would book a trip for myself too. Sadly, no one ever offered.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MaggieLC*
> 
> I kind of understand what you are trying to say, but from my POV a baby who is not still nursing and not co-sleeping needs his Mama just as much (maybe more) than a child who has these benefits.
> 
> I don't think ABM fed, sleeping alone babies need their Mamas less than any other child. Probably needs them more.


Exactly.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> I cant see two sides. There is only one side to this. The grandparents are putting themselves before the well-being of the child. They can move closer to the child if they want to spend more time with the child.


Awww... really? I totally can see two (obviously). Maybe they just don't think it's against the baby's best interests. Separation from parents and child well-being is obviously a subjective thing. We should all have diverse enough lives/experiences where we have been on both ends of the spectrum. Plus, if this person is young it's possible that there is a fourth generation to consider. We are fortunate that our DCs still have one great grandparent and got to meet 5 others before they passed. I guess I just don't really understand the tendency to view this as a bad thing considering how little information we have. Well, I guess I can understand it. In order to get our heads around this we kind of have to fill in the blanks a little. I tend to fill in the blanks with things that help me understand this choice and relate to these stranger parents. I do that because that's what I prefer to do but I am able to do that because I have the framework with which to do that. Lots of good role-models, lots of diverse positive experiences to draw from. I guess if one doesn't have that it can be hard to imagine. Is that right?

I did a tiny bit of reading on attachment theory and extended families - there's some good stuff online if anyone is interested.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

> Originally Posted by *MaggieLC*
> 
> I kind of understand what you are trying to say, but from my POV a baby who is not still nursing and not co-sleeping needs his Mama just as much (maybe more) than a child who has these benefits.
> 
> I don't think ABM fed, sleeping alone babies need their Mamas less than any other child. Probably needs them more.


I do tend to agree with this. Refreshing my knowledge of attachment theory I recall that a lot of what is talked about is the secure base from which the child can then feel free to explore. I think if this is part of why attachment theory resonates with us we do have to acknowledge that at some point our children are going to venture off. But, at 1 year this is not a choice they will be making. Still I do have a hard time feeling like I can evaluate for another parent when it's an ok choice to help move that process along.

I also wanted to add a confession....

I make a mistake in remembering when I first left my own kids. For both it was closer to 2.5. I remembered it was shortly after a birthday for both but I got mixed up. So, yea, I'm pretty far from being able to imagine myself being able to leave for a week at 1 year.

But, still. I'd rather just assume that I could relate because that's what makes me feel all warm in fuzzy inside.


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## manysplinters (Oct 1, 2012)

Last winter I took my then 1.5 year old to a conference in the same city where my MIL lives (about a 10 hr plane journey). We stayed with her and every morning, I had the joyless task of leaving the house and leaving DD with her grandma while my 1.5 year old screamed and screamed for me. I wasn't bf'ing anymore, but we still slept together.

I work outside of the home, full time, and DD usually spends her days with her dad. A couple of weeks later I left the kids for a week with their dad while I went to another conference for a week, and there were no problems at all - they all had a great week, DD transitioned to her own bed that week and started sleeping through the night, etc etc. So this wasn't about being away from me, it was about not being with one of her parents - the people who had always cared for her.

Given this experience, which happened every day I was at my MILs, the thought of dumping her at this same house, at that age, and then taking off for a week seems unbelievably cruel and I don't see how that would be strengthening to her relationship with her Grandma. Particularly since when Grandma comes to visit at our house, my DD is warm, cuddling and very happy to see her, because she feels safe and secure and she knows she is not being left by her parents. I don't want to leave my DD at that age, and she doesn't want to be left. I think she made it pretty clear. Perhaps it would be different if MIL was in our area and saw her frequently - then it would possibly be less disorienting for a little one. That's not the case, though, and I think with this sort of thing the specific facts of the child, the grandparent, the setting, the context are really what would determine whether it is in the child's best interests.

People have commented that the reason moms wouldn't leave their kids is because of their own needs. And yes, that's a part of it. But I have friends who have left their young kids with grandparents, and I think in many of those situations, they were also motivated by their own wants/needs - to go on a ski vacation, to have a week without their child, to "take a break" from their child. I also think grandparents wanting a grandchild at that age is motivated by their wants and needs. I just feel like this (raising my children myself) is what I signed up for. It's what my partner signed up for. I agree that grandparents have a role, but that role, in my view, is not to assume the responsibility of 24/7 childcare of infants on behalf of the parent, unless there are exceptional circumstances that warrant it, or unless the grandparent actually lives with the child.


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## erigeron (Oct 29, 2010)

One year seems too young for this. Unless the grandparent is also a super-involved caregiver. Say the parents live with the grandparents and therefore the grandparents get as much baby time as the parents do, or grandma watches the baby every day at her house when mom and dad are at work. Then maybe. But if they only see each other occasionally, that seems too young. If the grandparents want more time, they should arrange a visit when the parents are also there--either the parent(s) bring the kid to them, or they come stay with the family. In that setting mom or dad could take off for an afternoon or evening and leave the grandparents to solo. But a week is too long. My daughter is just shy of 2 1/2 and my parents are in town and watch her once a week on average. I do want to try an overnight--I think she would probably like that, and it'll help prepare for when her new sibling is born in a couple of months--but I wouldn't want to do a whole week. My husband's parents live out of state and they Skype pretty frequently and visit perhaps twice a year, and I definitely don't think she would have the comfort level with them to do that long of a visit, either.


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## Qzrwife (Oct 31, 2013)

Absolutely not! That's way too soon.

My mother and I talked about this very topic about a week ago since her and my aunts are planning a family vacation to Disney World for next Summer. Mind you, my child would still be an infant and grandma lives over 500 miles away and would rarely see her...so, NO! All I could think of is all the walking that's involved in going to an amusement park and baby stuff she'd have to carry especially when she's not in the best of health. I know she wants to bond with the baby and I would love for my child to go on the trip, but only when she can walk on her own and speak clearly.


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## lmk1 (Sep 21, 2007)

I think it depends on the child, the parents and the grandparents. For me, I still would not send my 6 and 3 year olds out of state to stay with my parents or IL's for that long. My kids have never had an overnight, but we are super-highly attached...and everyone we know lives pretty far away. I don't think I'd even be ok with dh taking my kids somewhere far w/o me...although, I can kind of sense that ds1 (6 yo) may be ok with that now. When my kids were 1, they were still nursing pretty heavily, during the day and at night. I did start the whole baby making thing kind of later in life, so my parents and IL's are older, and I'm not sure they'd be ok with watching my kids for any length of time - it'd be too draining for them, physically and emotionally. My kids do have a great relationship w/ my Mom and my IL's. They've spent more time with my Mom, though, and she's always wanting to Skype with them and she visits very often, although we live far away. She's here now, actually, because I'm going to have a 3rd any moment now and my kids ADORE her. I just hope #3 will have a chance to get to know her well ...


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I'm totally in favor of one-on-one grandparent time (in the case of loving, supportive families), and left my kids in the care of DH while I had a fun weekend away once or twice a year starting at about 18 months, so I'm definitely not a "toddlers need mama 24/7" person, but 1 year old would be way too young for me to be comfortable having my kids away from home for a whole week without either parent unless it was an emergency.

My kids started spending the night at grandma's house at about age 2 and loved it, but longer time periods would have been tough on them at that age. Even now, my kids are 9 and 5 and we spend 1 week at my mom's house in the summer without DH, and although they love our adventure, it's tough on them to be away from DH for that long.


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## fayebond (Jun 16, 2012)

Didn't read the entire thread, but my baby turns 1 in three weeks. I hope to parent as well as my mother one day, and I'm preggers and nursing ended just recently, so I have no issues with the idea.

I think it would be more of a problem if I didn't have such a great relationship with my mom, but then, she lives close and sees the girls 2-5x a week so... it'd just be like normal only with a little less me time, lol. The girls never cry when I leave the room and they are with her, but she plays with them so often its really less like leaving them and more like going to get something done and I'll be right back. It doesn't hurt that she has a horse and lets the girls take turns riding with her (even the nearly 1-y-o who LOVES these sessions. How did I get the horse loving girls? Never understood why people pay to keep the dirty things when you can have a cat and a turtle... but I digress. They share alot of things with my mom. I'd prefer it not to be so long, more for her sake than thiers, but we are already talking about a weekend beac getaway next year and they would stay with her for three days).


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Just to add to my previous reply...

We live overseas from our extended family, so unless we make a huge effort, our kids wouldn't have their grandparents in their lives. Their grandmothers went out of their way to spend time with our kids; each of them came to stay with us for 6 months at a time when they were babies and they couldn't be separated from me. As I said, when dd was 15 mo, she traveled to see them and she was away from me for two weeks (but with her dad, who was SAHP at that time). She knew MIL well, as she had been living with us for 6 months just before the trip.

Now that she's almost 5, she and her older brother will be spending the whole summer vacation at GP. She CAN'T WAIT! She makes plans with her grandma on the phone. Sure she will miss us. Maybe she'll even cry. But I'm sure she'll make memories that will last for a lifetime. We can't afford to send them over every summer... it's very expensive. It would be much easier (and cheaper) for me to keep them here. But I had amazing childhood experiences at my grandmother's and I love her dearly. I want to give my children the gift of time spend with their grandparents.

I understand the "no, I wouldn't do it" replies. Some kids and/or parents are not ready, some grandparents are unfit or not interested. Completely understandable. But for those who deem all parents unfit and all babies traumatized if they spend time with extended family, think twice before you judge.

PS: Monica, my avatar is from Sibiu


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## Backroads (May 4, 2013)

My first response is this generally would not work out with most kids.

Of course, it really depends on the kid and the the family and all sorts of factors, but even a friendly, outgoing child who is no longer nursing probably needs a stronger relationship before spending such an amount of time with anyone.

If this family feels confident, so be it.


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## lamom3girls (Sep 26, 2013)

Maybe it's also cultural. In cultures used to big extended families, perhaps it's more acceptable. I'm from an Indian family (though I was born and raised here) and I've never hesitated to leave my kids with my parents for a few days or even weeks at a time. They've spent weekends with their grandparents since they were infants. Now that they're older, they spend a month with grandparents every summer, and I do send my youngest along. She started spending a month with her elder sisters and grandparents when she was about a year old. For me, it's a blessing that my kids feel that their grandparents are important caregivers in their lives. My children have not found it traumatic, even when they were babies, and are very close to their grandparents. It's a relationship I'm sure they'll appreciate for a lifetime.


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## Monica S (Oct 31, 2012)

@lamom3girls - your post expresses exactly my own personal experience. It probably has to do with big extended families and cultures where it is expected for grandparents to be as involved in the caregiving process as parents.


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## Monica S (Oct 31, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *transylvania_mom*
> 
> Just to add to my previous reply...
> 
> Now that she's almost 5, she and her older brother will be spending the whole summer vacation at GP. She CAN'T WAIT! She makes plans with her grandma on the phone. Sure she will miss us. Maybe she'll even cry. But I'm sure she'll make memories that will last for a lifetime. We can't afford to send them over every summer... it's very expensive. It would be much easier (and cheaper) for me to keep them here. But I had amazing childhood experiences at my grandmother's and I love her dearly. I want to give my children the gift of time spend with their grandparents.


I can so totally relate to this!!  So glad you're doing this, I'm sure they will love it there!

Side Note:

Have you read Ciresarii? http://www.goodreads.com/series/59940-ciresarii or Amintiri din Copilarie? http://ro.wikisource.org/wiki/Amintiri_din_copil%C4%83rie

It's the kind of childhood I had and would really hope for my children to have the chance to have similar experiences, although that may be hard if not impossible.


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## lilvioletmom (Jul 1, 2011)

My good Christ why do you care what people choose to do in their families?! You are just stirring up controversy.
Did your parents leave you when you were young? Would you have even remembered if they did?


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## lilvioletmom (Jul 1, 2011)

I think my generation is WAY WAY too paranoid. I love my kids just like anyone else but I can attach with them and detach when there are other things. I find us to have a fantastic dynamic!


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## MaggieLC (Sep 2, 2013)

Attachment Parenting has nothing to do with being "paranoid." Paranoia is the irrational fear that others are talking about you and plotting against you.

Mothering Dot Com is a place to discuss how many of us want to parent in as optimal ways possible.

What difference does it make how my parents parented. They were not attachment parents I was hit as a child, I was left to cry in my crib alone, my own mother never took a minute to reflect on her parenting and only did what was convienient for her. I have put a lot of thought into the way I mother do a lot of research and am trying to mimdfully parent in ways my own mother would never have bothered.

Many of us want to do the best we can and sometimes that means mothering VERY differently than we were parented ourselves.

This thread asks what WE would do in this situation and many parents, including most Attachment Parents msy choose to NOT leave a child this young for this extended period of time.

Paranoia has nothing to do with making choices that many of us feel enhance and promote attachment.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lilvioletmom*
> 
> My good Christ why do you care what people choose to do in their families?!


Quote:



> Originally Posted by *MaggieLC*
> 
> Mothering Dot Com is a place to discuss how many of us want to parent in as optimal ways possible.


This is a bit OT but I do often wonder why my and other's motivations are to talk about this sort of thing. Lilviolet, I think to understand why someone would want to talk about this you only need to try to understand why you may want to talk about why someone would want to talk about this. Sometimes what makes others tick is interesting to us. The OP seemed to me to want to talk about balancing sacrifices we make for attachment and relationships with extended families. We should all be lucky enough to grapple with these issues, I think.

I also think that the the whys of talking online vary for people. Maggie wants to talk about parenting optimally. I think that's the motivation for a lot of members. Being the "best parent I can be" has never been a focus of mine, however. I tend to parent by instinct and then try to see if I can find some confirmation that how I want to parent isn't going to damage my kids. ;-)

One of my favorite signature lines from way back in the day was, "All I have to do is not mess them up for life."

It really is a "takes all kinds" type of community and there are all sorts of conversations that are not in the least bit interesting to me. For some reason the "mommy wars" type threads that get sort of philosophical about how we related to one another have always held my interest and so I participate when I feel like it.

I hope that clears things up. Welcome to MDC!!


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## erigeron (Oct 29, 2010)

What's wrong with a thread where people share their perspectives on what they would do and why? Asking what decisions other people would make doesn't have to equate to stirring up controversy. It's pretty much the point of a message board, in fact.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I'm always interested in why people do what they do and how they think. Often when do done makes a voice that seems well outside of my comfort zone, I wonder if I'm the weirdo ;-). One good way to find out what other people think is to ask.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

No way. One is too little to be without your mama for a whole week. And I was still nursing mine at that age as well.


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## snow-rose (Dec 1, 2013)

For me personally, I have left a 2.5 year old with grandma for a week, but in our house, while dh and I went away. They had the comforts of each other and their familiar routine. They did not know grandma all that well, but everyone did fine. But I still wouldn't let them away from our home unless grandmas house was like a second home to them - which it isn't. They're 5 and 6 now and I still wouldn't be comfortable. But that's strictly my family.


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## sassyfirechick (Jan 21, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MaggieLC*
> 
> Many of us want to do the best we can and sometimes that means mothering VERY differently than we were parented ourselves.


I know I said earlier on my main reason was still breastfeeding...but this







...that's huge and an entirely different issue from a baby needing the mommy comfort. I parent different from my parents because I don't love all the things that they did.....the yelling, grounding, spanking, demanding....all the things that didn't sit well with me as a kid and certainly don't as an adult. I couldn't put my child in a situation where someone else, with very different parenting styles, was in charge of discipline, morale and overall controlling the behavioral outcome of my child. Both my parents and my IL's are vastly different from me and not until DD is old enough to express her concerns and explain emotions and have a conversation with me about how different people react and parent differently, will she be allowed to travel with anyone but myself and DH. As it is my FIL watches her 4-5 hours a day while I'm at work part time and I see the effect he has on her and I don't love it at all. Definitely not paranoid. Very aware and educated.


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## jmarroq (Jul 2, 2008)

Yes, I would, if I had to. We brought our kids to their grandparents for almost that long when they were babies so we could go on vacation. My husband's job sent him on a 5 day trip once a year, spouses included. We took advantage of that! They did fine.


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## GrannyH (Nov 6, 2012)

I remember loving spending time with my grandmother as a small child and on to adulthood. We had a very special relationship. My granddaughter has been shaving sleepovers since she stopped breastfeeding at 18 months. The question I would ask is how well the baby knows his grandparents and how comfortable he is with them. Also the grandparents would have to have a good idea of the baby's routines and personality. No doubt the parents have things all worked out.

One of the problems children face today is that they have lost their place in their extended families through divorce and distance. The extended family was/is a great thing. It helps children know who they are and were they come from. This is healthy for their mental health. At its best it provides lots of love, attention and belonging. It protects mothers from post natal depression and from domestic violence, and provides free child care.


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## Monica S (Oct 31, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *GrannyH*
> 
> I remember loving spending time with my grandmother as a small child and on to adulthood. We had a very special relationship. My granddaughter has been shaving sleepovers since she stopped breastfeeding at 18 months. The question I would ask is how well the baby knows his grandparents and how comfortable he is with them. Also the grandparents would have to have a good idea of the baby's routines and personality. No doubt the parents have things all worked out.
> 
> One of the problems children face today is that they have lost their place in their extended families through divorce and distance. The extended family was/is a great thing. It helps children know who they are and were they come from. This is healthy for their mental health. At its best it provides lots of love, attention and belonging. It protects mothers from post natal depression and from domestic violence, and provides free child care.


Thank you so much for this wonderful post! I could not have said it better.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *GrannyH*
> 
> I remember loving spending time with my grandmother as a small child and on to adulthood. We had a very special relationship. My granddaughter has been shaving sleepovers since she stopped breastfeeding at 18 months. The question I would ask is how well the baby knows his grandparents and how comfortable he is with them. Also the grandparents would have to have a good idea of the baby's routines and personality. No doubt the parents have things all worked out.
> 
> One of the problems children face today is that they have lost their place in their extended families through divorce and distance. The extended family was/is a great thing. It helps children know who they are and were they come from. This is healthy for their mental health. At its best it provides lots of love, attention and belonging. It protects mothers from post natal depression and from domestic violence, and provides free child care.


I agree with everything you say. However, we are talking about a one year old, and a whole week long. How about spending less time, and a little older, and build up? It isnt one or the other, and i think everyone agrees that a relationship with the grandparents is important. I particularly agree with your emphasis on the importance of extended family.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

Would *I* send *my* 1 year old anywhere for a week? Nope. I can see that it might make sense for someone else but I couldn't do it and I think in most cases it would be pretty hard on the 1 year old.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *weliveintheforest*
> 
> Would *I* send *my* 1 year old anywhere for a week? Nope. I can see that it might make sense for someone else but I couldn't do it and I think in most cases it would be pretty hard on the 1 year old.


I cant imagine it not being.


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## macrandall (Feb 1, 2013)

Occasionally I go out for drinks after work and don't come home until 7:00 and it's REALLY hard. So, no, I'd never be able to let my one-year-olds go for a couple days, let alone a week! I'd rearrange everything to go to Grandma's house WITH the babies if this were the situation.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> I cant imagine it not being.


Well, you just have to open your mind a bit


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## darbyspinx (Sep 29, 2013)

No way for us, but I can see how in some cultures there is an extended family that is very involved and that it would be normal. But it sounds way too young and long for me and my little guy.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I could do it in a heart beat. A whole week? Dh and I haven't been on a date in 10 yrs, so a whole week would fricking fantastic!


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *transylvania_mom*
> 
> Well, you just have to open your mind a bit


Perhaps you should open yours 

Sorry, closed minded is one thing i am not. I just dont think one years olds differ fundamentally across cultures, unless you disagree with the fundamentals of attachment parenting. I mean, you can justify anything with cultural difference if you want. Im just glad i never had to leave my baby for a week.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> Perhaps you should open yours
> 
> Sorry, closed minded is one thing i am not. I just dont think one years olds differ fundamentally across cultures, unless you disagree with the fundamentals of attachment parenting. I mean, you can justify anything with cultural difference if you want. Im just glad i never had to leave my baby for a week.


Good for you!
But you see, some people do, and kids thrive in these situations, as attested by parents and adults who have been left with greatparents as young kids.
I was raised by my grandmother from 6 months until 4 years. As was my sister and my cousins (different parents and sometimes different sets of gradparents).
Also my husband in a different region.

Also my dd stayed with gp for two weeks at 15 mo. Very AP, coslept, nursed until 4 years old and the whole 9 yards.

And I feel very lucky and happy for her that I had the opportunity to leave her with gp.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

And I'm not the only one who thinks this way, just read this thread. There are people who have left young children with gp, wish they could, or had a positive experience as children.
Just because we are in the minority it doesn't mean that our experience is less valid than yours.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Yeah, while it's wonderful to be mama 24/7, it's wonderful to get a break too. I've yet to have one, I would like to have one and my youngest is 16 months. I would give my right eye to get a week vacation with my husband. Just one week without children would be wonderful and helpful for our relationship. I'm on almost 12 yrs without a break. It's not doing wonders for my blissful mama mental health.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Just dont call i AP. Sorry. Let them bond when they are older...


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> Just dont call i AP. Sorry. Let them bond when they are older...


You can still call it AP if you want. You don't get to decide that one.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> Just dont call i AP. Sorry. Let them bond when they are older...


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> You can still call it AP if you want. You don't get to decide that one.


I agree with you, Imakcerta, except I would take that thought process even further an say that it is not "AP" to parent with that dogma in mind in the first place. I think most kids do well with a version of what falls under the category of "AP" but we shouldn't choosing that because of the label.

(ETA: I realize I'm preaching to the choir for some...)

AP is not prescription, at least not the way I view it. AP is meeting and being responsive to our children's needs. I think there is room for family needs to be considered - because we are a complex weave as families. IMO, we can not say "X" is within the bounds of "AP" but "Y" isn't without getting into a very complex value judgement that misses the point of the whole thing.

I don't view this as cultural relativism. To me this is whether we can talk about balance, extended family relationships (and differences!), and etc. and recognize that we all exist on a spectrum.


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## Ursula Stouffer (Sep 21, 2013)

Our son and his wife just went away for eight days (out of necessity) without their five children, ages 16 months, almost 3, almost 5, 6 and 7.

They stayed at our house for five days and nights, and then for the last three days with their other grandparents. The oldest one was the one having the hardest time, even though she really was fine (she is high strung). The baby did excellent! But she did take me for a mom substitute, and didn't want to be held by anybody but me, which was exhausting.

So, it depends on the baby, and the circumstances, too.


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## oelram01 (Apr 11, 2014)

While my husband was away for 7 months, my mom came from 2000 miles away for about 4 months to stay and help out with our 1 year old (at the time). Once the 7 months were up, my mom flew back with my daughter for 2 weeks on their own and then the last week, my husband and I flew there to spend time there and to bring her back. She had an amazing time at Gma and Gpa's! All my family lives near my parents, so she had lots of visitors and lots of people to play with. On my end, I did feel a little guilty letting her go that long, but I slowly got over it and was able to enjoy my time sans baby. We're planning on doing that again and now she's about 2.5 years old.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *IdentityCrisisMama*
> 
> *AP is meeting and being responsive to our children's needs.*


 Yes, and i dont think this is a dogmatic interpretation of AP. Is it for you? A child needs a steady caregiver, and at this age, usually his/her mother, especially if they are nursing. Why not take a rest for a shorter period? Why not wait until the child is older? Why not take the child with you, and have your grandmother there to help? I never said a child wouldnt thrive in the grandparents care, but when they are older. I personally would not find leaving my child for week a vacation. There are certain principles involved in attachment parenting. Leaving a baby for week to take a vacation in the same of 'balance' isnt one of them. Find balance another way.

I just wonder why you want to call it attachment parenting so badly. Im glad you got your vacation. I wouldn't want that kind of vacation.

I dont get to decide whether your parenting is AP or not. You do. I do get to decide if something is clearly outside a common and basic understanding of AP. Its my opinion. The person starting this thread asked for it.

I dont think leaving a toddler that young is right, and i dont think its attachment parenting, and i feel sorry for that crying baby you left for a week.

Im sorry if it hurts your feelings that someone thinks you dont parent with AP in mind. Im glad your child may have had other positive experiences anyway. Great.

This obviously doesnt apply to anyway who unavoidably had to leave their child.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> Yes, and i dont think this is a dogmatic interpretation of AP. Is it for you?


It really is just my idea of how we talk about this sort of thing. I think we parent with respect for our kid's needs, and our own and we find balance. It seems to me that a lot of people have found that balance with some absence from their young children that you may consider "not AP". I think it is up to those parents to interpret their own family needs. If they/we/you/I do that and then happen to be parents for whom AP ideas resonate -- that is what it is about to me.

Speaking only for myself, I am not attached to calling anything anyone does "AP". I was speaking in response to saying that what someone does "isn't AP", which is a different thing and something that doesn't make sense from how I look at what AP is.

If it's a set of things first for some people, that's cool too. Just realize that it isn't that way for others -- even some of our gurus.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

But I CLW and cosleep and I sah until the kids go to school!
Oh, and I homebirth too!
Do I get my AP badge now?


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I don't know. Did you babywear?


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Just because i think that leaving a toddler for a week is putting adult interests ahead of the child, and is an un AP practice because of that, not unlike many other practices that would not qualify as AP, such as cio, doesnt mean this is a competition for who is most ap, or that anyone is claiming to hand out badges. Im not even one for labels. The scarcasm thing is also changing the subject, and has nothing to do with the original question.







Go to the 'crunchier than thou' thread if you like that kind of thing.

Im glad people here use the typical ap practices most of the time. Leaving a toddler for week is not one of them...

in my opinion.









So, we dont agree. I wouldnt leave my toddler for a week. I wont change my mind no matter how much sarcasm you hand out, or subtle insults (dogmatic, close minded). Where are the UA guidelines here? (remember them?)

This thread has been round for a long time. I remember posting on it 6mths ago. Are there any other threads more interesting than this? It doesnt inspire me that much.

MDC is a bit like that at the moment unfortunately.









(edited to add lots of smilies because i find them funny, and now im actually having fun)


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I am sorry you feel that I am involved in an "AP" contest, CM. I'm pretty darned crunchy in parenting and have not left my own 1 year old...but I guess I feel it is important to focus on the whole rather than the sum of the parts. FTR, I didn't take exception to anyone on the thread who said that this is not for them or those who felt it was not in the best interest of many children. I had a problem with the comment "just don't call that AP". I will admit that it rubbed me the wrong way. Part of that is just a defensive feeling towards our fellow mothers who have posted here that they have left their children or wish they could and how it feels to them when we talk about things. Another part of that is an over-sensitivity to the times that I have seen some of the ideas of "AP" to beat up on other mothers. My concern for the image of AP is not directed to you at all and I'm sorry if it came off that way.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> Honestly, even without nursing it seems really really young, and it's during the whole separation anxiety age. On the other hand, I do understand the grandparents wanting to spend time with their little grandson. And I think that grandparent/grandchild relationship is worth nurturing.
> 
> What do you think?


That was the original post. And i posted what i think


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

As an AP parent who has sometimes needed to leave small children with loving, non-parent caregivers overnight, threads like this make me feel like crap.

It doesn't help, Contactmaya, that you acknowledge a difference between leaving a toddler for vacation and leaving a toddler for some reason you think is more legitimate. A one year-old has no way to distinguish between a week at Grandma's because I'm in surgical recovery from a week at Grandma's because I'm in Vegas. It therefore follows that if Vegas is a terrible thing, my medical needs aren't really better - what you're saying is that it's okay to hurt my kids if I really can't help it.

But - I am a committed and loving parent who chooses caregivers with thought and care. My parents know my kids well, respond to them appropriately and consistently, and love them like crazycakes. I feel okay about sending my kids to their grands when I have to because I know my kids would not be hurt by a week at Grandma's if I was in Vegas.

I've said elsewhere and I'll say again here: in the time I've been active on parenting boards, I've seen what's considered AP become more prescriptive, and therefore less adaptable to meet the needs of children and families who differ even slightly from a narrowly defined standard. As far as I'm concerned, AP is about meeting the actual needs of real people. If it doesn't remain adaptive, it can't become irrelevant fast enough to suit me.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MeepyCat*
> 
> As an AP parent who has sometimes needed to leave small children with loving, non-parent caregivers overnight, threads like this make me feel like crap.
> 
> ...


The bolded-you couldnt help it. You were doing the best you could. Right now, im ignoring my 2yo because im trying to type this. Thats probably not ap in my book either, but im human.

Anyway, off to respond to my childrens needs in the best way i can.....


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Did you read any part but the bolded? Because you just basically encapsulated the problem I was describing having.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Now seriously Cm, you were the first who mentioned AP dogma in this thread and telling me not to call my parenting AP.
As I said before I can understand people saying leaving a 1 yo is not for them, but from there to claiming that ALL 1yo are crying or traumatized when left with gp, it's quite a stretch. You don't know that. I can assure you my 15 mo didn't cry, even when she traveled 11h by plane with dh (worn in a MeiTai, btw) to her gp. When I joined them two weeks later, I got there in the middle of the night and sleep nursed she didn't even wake up. She most definitely was not traumatized.
As you said, we all try to do right by our kids. One of my priorities is having my dk spend time with gp. A 10 yo won't be so open to bonding with people he/she doesn't know. Their gp might not even be around anymore.


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## MamaCB (Sep 22, 2013)

Nope, not I!


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MeepyCat*
> 
> Did you read any part but the bolded? Because you just basically encapsulated the problem I was describing having.


Thats why i bolded it...i read your whole post. I think you misunderstood me.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> Thats why i bolded it...i read your whole post. I think you misunderstood me.


I certainly hope I misunderstood you. Otherwise, it looks as though you're being deliberately mean.


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

Honestly, I think we need to give up on the labels and focus on what's best for our children and families. You can claim "But that's what AP *is!*" til you're blue in the face, but the fact is that there are practices that are considered AP and practices that are not. AP, and that includes this site, pushes extended breastfeeding/child led weaning, cloth diapering, home birthing (natural if you must do hospital), babywearing, bed-sharing, etc and there can be a lot of judgement from others and guilt in yourself if you don't/can't.

A lot of people would say that we're not AP because we couldn't breastfeed, not caring about the circumstances. Which probably took a lot of pressure off- we'd already failed to be perfect, so the focus was on doing what was right for us and not what other people said was "right". I've seen people complain about being told off at AP parenting groups for using disposable diapers. At least one person was so dedicated to the idea of "AP" that she babywore even though it was giving her back problems, until she was forced to stop because she'd done real damage. Maybe that's not what you want AP to look like, but it is what much of the culture is.

Vacations can be necessary, even with that young a child (some would say especially- some people have a veryhard time with the infant/toddler stages). Different people, different circumstances, different needs. A parent who is stressed out and overwhelmed and needs an extended break to regroup will do a much better job of responding to their child's needs after that "vacation" than if they force themselves not to take one out of a sense of shame. It's very shiny and fluffy to say that parents never, ever need such a break- and it's great that you never have- but it can happen. You can't know everything about a stranger's situation. You can't know if the parent is doing perfectly well, totally healthy, no problems whatsoever, but just can't be bothered with their child so are fobbing them off for a week (and if this is the case, how AP can the parent be to begin with?)- or if the parent is going through a really difficult time and the break will be better for everyone.

Our culture as a whole is really dismissive of parents', especially mothers', mental well-being. PPD and Post-partum psychosis are both very real and can have devastating effects. Especially the psychosis, which has led mothers to kill their own children- so you'd think that we'd be putting effort on screening parents for it after birth. Life happens, there are circumstances that can lead a good and loving parent to be in a bad emotional state and need time away from their child, yes even a baby, to get their head on straight. Anyone who thinks that a parent who is emotionally destroyed is as good for the baby as a parent who's in good mental health needs to get a healthy dose of reality. Anyone who thinks that parents pushing themselves to the point of suicide, causing their child to go their entire life without the parent, is better than just a week at grandma and grandpa's needs to get a healthy dose of reality.

Self care *is* about responding to your child's needs and doing what's best for your child, because we do our best jobs as parents when we're at our best physically and emotionally.

(unless, of course, you're suggesting that people who are prone to mental health problems don't deserve to be parents, in which case I see no point in having a conversation because it ignores that *anyone* can be at risk for mental health problems so no one should ever have children)


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I agree with a lot of what you just said. I do want to say that I think sometimes "AP" people get a bad wrap because of a focus on a snarky minority. I have a family member who I think assumes I judge her - just because of some of the "hippie" "AP" stuff that I do. Over time I know that she will understand that I'm not. And, of course we all know that people practicing "mainstream" parenting can be just as absolute about their ways as the rest of us.

I also wanted to say that some of the most wonderful parents (and most fitting with "AP) I have ever met, literally never read anything or do anything parenting related online. They have never heard of "AP". My own mother would probably find the philosophical focus on parenting to be a self-absorbed indulgence, and, yet, she's was very AP.

I also agree that self-care is about responding to our children's needs. I think parent self-care is a great way to show children what empathy is all about. I wanted to touch on mental health in my last post but it seemed too complicated to share. It's another reason I stuck up for parents who chose to be away for "vacation". We really never know why someone needs to re-charge. Maybe they are at their whits-end. Or maybe they're smart enough to know how not to get there.

That's not something I was especially in tune with when my first was young. I've got a bit more balance with my second and, although it's not a week away at a year, it was 4 nights at two (still BFing) and it was an important part, I think, of the wonderful sense of life balance that I have now.

And, MeepyCat, I would not say that those 4 days were worth the "damage". I'd say that my child was fine, good when I was not around because she got to spend time with other people who love to care for her.


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## Ursula Stouffer (Sep 21, 2013)

Exactly. If the child is very much attached to his/her grandparents, and is happy with them, does attachment grandparenting count?









I looked after one grandson three half days a week for a year, from the age of eight months. He is 5 1/2 now, and to him our home is still his second home, and he (and his two siblings) are upset if their parents go shopping in our town (their's is too small to have a grocery store) without seeing 'Oma and Papa' as well. They're crazy attached to us!

So, if their parents would decide to go away for a few days, they wouldn't bat an eye if left here, even the 1 1/2-year-old.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

MeepyCat said:


> Quote: Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> Thats why i bolded it...i read your whole post. I think you misunderstood me.
> 
> I certainly hope I misunderstood you. Otherwise, it looks as though you're being deliberately mean.


Definitely not trying to be mean. I was trying to say you were doing the best you could, as i was at the moment of typing.


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