# Just received a disturbing call regarding my dd



## MotherEden (Dec 18, 2004)

As it is we are sort of the "odd family out" in this town. We havent lived here very long and have to be the poorest people here (everyone is rich rich rich) plus we are the only racially mixed family in town. People treat us very strangely. My 14 year old daughter has never had a problem making friends. She's very sociable. Her friends' parents this town have always accepted her with caution though. Right now is spring break for us and my dd spent the past couple nights at her close friend "Lucy"'s house.

My daughter walked home late this morning from Lucy's house. (it's over a mile away so we usually drive her) She was really upset and went to her room. Before I could ask her what was wrong the phone rang.

It was Lucy's mom. She sounded very upset. I was afraid something terrible had happened to one of the girls and my heart started pounding. This is the story she told me:

Her tennis lesson this morning was rained out so she called home to see if the girls wanted to go to the mall with her. (their favorite place) When they said they didnt want to go she became suspicious, especially since they were home alone (she thought maybe alcohol, boys over whatever) So instead of going to the mall like she told the girls she was going to do she went home. She said she went in quietly and went upstairs to her daughters room. It was empty. She figured they must have snuck out somewhere. She went back downstairs to the kitchen to see if they left a note. No note. Then she heard sounds coming from the basement and realized thats where they were. She said she felt relieved because they always go down there to watch movies or play video games.

So she went to the basement door and heard what she described as "extremely strange sounds". She quietly walked down the steps to find my dd and her dd completely nude with my dd performing oral on Lucy.

She completely lost it. She started screaming her head off. As the girls quickly got dressed. Then she kicked my dd out. Which is why she had to walk home.

So now Lucy's mom is screaming at me on the phone saying my daughter has corrupted hers, this is all my fault and she is going to tell all the other parents to keep their duaghters away from mine.

This woman is very powerful in the community and the women are extremely gossipy. My daughter is very upset and I keep telling her that there is nothing wrong with her and many girls her age explore their sexuality.

Im really concerned that what this women said to her is going to scar her emotionally (i cant even repeat some of the things she said) and that my daughter will not be able to make any new friends. This is a very small town.

Please help me figure this out. I am so stressed.


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry for your daughter. I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to give a








You did the right thing by letting your daughter know it's alright to be exploring her sexuality and there is nothing wrong with it. Too bad her friends mom went crazy on them.







to your both. I hope someone else can offer some good advice.


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## Linda KS (Oct 30, 2004)

I'm very sorry that this has happened. Hopefully, the other mother will realize that if she says ANYTHING to anyone, she is telling everyone about HER daughter. Why would anyone hurt their own daughter by spreading this story?


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## Wugmama (Feb 10, 2005)

I wish I had something helpful to say but really don't. Just wanted to offer my support. I'm glad your daughter has a loving, supportive mom!


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Wow. Not sure where to start. First, hugs to all because I'm sure this is upsetting and frightening on all sorts of levels. Breath lots of deep breathes before you do anything.

I guess my first question is, was this "just exploring" or do you think your daughter has a firm sexual orientation? And what does she think this was? And how do YOU feel about this? That's going to make a big difference in how things go from here.

I think your first obligation is to your daughter. How is she doing? Can you (truthfully) reassure her that you don't care if this was exploration or if she is a lesbian? Because I would do that before I did anything else. She probably really, really needs to know that you love her, regardless, completely, absolutely, forever. I hope that you can start there, but be honest if you can't.

Next I guess you need to deal with the other mother. I would assume that her reaction this morning was shock, dismay, embarrasment, whatever. Anyway, not very well thought out and very "top of mind". I would give her some time to collet herself and then try to discuss the fact that experimentation is normal in teens and perhaps she shouldn't make this a bigger deal than necessary.

After that, stand by your daughter and let the chips fall as they may.


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## sweetest (May 6, 2004)

Oh mama









I dont have any words of advice, but I want you to know Im sending loving vibes you and dd (((((( Strength ))))))


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

it sounds like you're starting out well with your daughter at least, and as others have said continue to give her unqualified support.

Do you know any older lesbians who she could talk to? Just for her to get a sense of normalcy, if she does indeed feel like this is her sexuality?

D'you think the other mom would have reacted this way if they weren't the same sexA? it might be worth asking her...

sorry mama, it sounds like a hard thing, just the whole "odd family out" thing. Hopefully the other mom will get a grip on reality and apologize to your daughter. It's just as likley that the other girl is the initiator, too.


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## AmandaBL (Aug 3, 2004)

Thats terrible!!! How embarassing fo a young woman to be caught by a parent doing ***anything*** sexual. THEN to have the other mom freak out... I'm so sorry. I don't have advise, my kids are small, but making sure she knows you love her if it was exploration & you'll love her if it's who she is sounds right to me. I'd say just follow your heart, but if that was my daughter, my heart would want to pound that other mother.







: Not helpfull. I'm so sorry for the stress.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

No advice, but I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this (to clarify--- deal w/evil woman from hell, not your DD's sexuality)


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

Sending support and love for you and your family.


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)




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## Soundhunter (Dec 13, 2003)

Before assuming she is a lesbian, keep in mind that many kids and teens experiment with the same sex and are not actually gay, I was one of them (there where no boys i had enough time alone with to experiment with, but some of the sleep over parties I had over at other girl's houses featured truth or dare games gone wild







) and it is common for boys and girls to explore their sexuality together, and not necessarily be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but I personally wouldn't set her up to talk to lesbians or anything unless she herself indicates to you that she has a strong sexual orientation one way or the other. Obviously, support her with what she says she feels,but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she is a lesbian because she is exploring with another girl, on that alone.

Saddly, I remember two girls that "experimented" with each other and where dubbed "the lesbians" throughout elementary school and junior high school, even though neither of them actually where, and it did affect their "popularity" for a very long time. Saddly,this could be the beginning of a very rough time for your daughter, considering how you have described this town


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I just wanted to send some







to you, and your daughter.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

hugs to you and your Dd. Hang in there...


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## KateMary (Jun 14, 2004)

I would wait a day or two for the other mother to cool off and then ask that you two discuss the issue in person, which is what I would do if the same thing had happened with 14 year olds of opposite sexes.

I would try to reason with her or try to get some agreement that she won't actually tell all the other mothers what happened. As a pp said, she will be revealing her own daughter's actions as well. If her daughter had been with a boy would she go around telling the whole town? Hopefully she will come to her senses and you can prevent some distress for your daughter. She may even apologize to your daughter.

On the other hand, if this mother is totally close minded this might not work. If that's the case, keep in mind that your daughter is getting love and support in light of her experimentation or possible coming out while this other girl might be getting rejected by her parents, or worse.

Let us know what happens.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)




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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

whooooaaaa.

sorry, what an uncomfortable situation. I think you did the right thing by letting her know that there is nothing to be ashamed of as far as sexual orientation.

now, not to be the voice of dissent, but I must say- if the situation was with a boy, would you still think this was just as ok? obviously pregnancy isn't an issue, but STD's can be passed through oral sex between women also. So that's something to think about- while there is nothing wrong with experimenting, and nothing wrong with being a lesbian either, there is sometimes something "wrong" so to speak about sexual activity with no protection and outside the boundaries of a relationship when you're at a young age, if for no other reason than emotional/mental health because once sex enters the picture, feelings become very complicated, and just as you would worry about self-esteem if this had been a boy, similarly this could prompt further discussion about sex being with someone you love (not that it isn't possible she and her friend are actually in a committed relationship, but would you be ok with her doing this in a committed relationship with a boy?) And, it is a betrayal of trust on both girl's parts to basically be lying about their relationship and to do something they know would not be approved of under Lucy's mother's roof.

As far as telling the other mothers, boy is that going to backfire. Her daughter was participating too, and they're going to blacklist her just as fast as they'd blacklist your daughter. Many parents will have problems letting a girl with lesbian/bisexual tendencies sleep over their house or be alone with their child just as they would a boy.
If you think she's serious and that she will really contact all the other parents, maybe you should remind her of that.

If she does it, and you can't stop her, you might want to try to get to the parents you know first, not to go into details, but to say something like "If you hear from Lucy's mother, don't be surprised. We had an incident that involved Lucy and my daughter, and I've spoken to my daughter about it, this isn't something that will happen again."

good luck. Let itself play out over the next few weeks and see what happens- Lucy's mother may think twice about exposing her daughter's sexuality. Let the chips fall and then see what can be done about it. Your daughter will not be emotionally scarred from this, although she will always be embarrassed by the memory- who isn't embarrassed by those kinds of memories, whether they're straight or not? Big bump in the road- but not the end of the road, and not the end of the world.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MotherEden*
So now Lucy's mom is screaming at me on the phone saying my daughter has corrupted hers, this is all my fault and she is going to tell all the other parents to keep their duaghters away from mine..










What a







.

I am guessing that the woman is shocked and reacting. Extremely poorly, of course. Hopefully, she will feel less impulsive when the shock has worn off....

I've been in a situation where a respected man decided to trash my name, and the final result was that people saw through to the truth. They saw who I was, and saw who he was. I hope the people in your town have that much sense


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bri276*
As far as telling the other mothers, boy is that going to backfire. Her daughter was participating too, and they're going to blacklist her just as fast as they'd blacklist your daughter.

Unfortunately, I doubt that's true. I would imagine that the other parents will band together against the "outsider" while giving the daughter of someone who's an insider a pass.

That said, if you think this woman is going to spill the beans, I agree that maybe you should try to beat her to it.

Namaste!


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Good G*d. The woman is off her farking rocker.....not so much because of your daughter, but because of *hers*. She's afraid her perfect rich daughter might be gay. *shudder*. I'm being sarcastic.

I agree with the one poster who mentioned the boy scenario. something to think about.

But the first thing that came to mind, wasn't that this gossipy woman would tell people your child was gay, but that she would lie to protect her daughter and say things that are really bad. And thats where it can get ugly. My guess isn't that she's going to get on the horn and tell everyone your daughter is a lesbian (because then it would out her daughter, and really being lesbian isn't *that* big a deal), but that she will get on the horn and spread vicious rumors.

this makes me so mad


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## Hey Mama! (Dec 27, 2003)

Goodness, what a rough situation. Do you think she would have reacted the same way if it had been a boy doing that to her daughter? And, what exactly is she going to warn other parents about, that would just be calling her own daughter out too. Hopefully she will calm down and maybe you could discuss it all together.


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## mumof4 (Aug 12, 2004)

I really think the other mom reacted impulsly and that perhaps with time and when the shock of the moment settles maybe she will think more level headedly. I wouldnt assume your daughter is a lesbien tho I think it is just curiosity really! I wouldtho let her know that this behaviour is not acceptable but in a proper and mature way. They are at a very difficult age and sex is really scarey to them as I look back i remember being so uptight about "doing it right"!

Anyhow you got my support mama!

Jodie


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## MotherEden (Dec 18, 2004)

I have the feeling that she is going to tell other mothers that my daughter *vicitimized* hers. And that we need to rid the town of people like us.

If one of the kids was a boy I would be reacting the same way. My whole point is that they don't need to be shamed, which is exactly what Lucys mom did. I really doubt that Lucys mom is not going to calm down about this.

Im having a really hard time getting my daughter to open up about this. She says her heart is broken because she loves Lucy and now won't be able to see her. She is 14 going on 15 and I can see her viewpoint. I probably would feel the same way at her age. Im going to give her a couple days to be ready to talk about it.
I'm ok with her being sexually active, but I want her to be safe about it.

Thanks god we're on spring break right now.

Thanks for all the support.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MotherEden*
Im going to give her a couple days to be ready to talk about it.
I'm ok with her being sexually active, but I want her to be safe about it.

.

I hope she feels better later and can open up when she is ready. I feel the same you've said here about teen sexuality.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

What a situation! I can understand your concern.

I also agree with your stance on sexual activity. Thank goodness your dd has a mama like you! She could be going through all of this AND have a mother that was disappointed in her. So if nothing else, know that you are handling this as well as possible. I only hope I could stick to my convictions and not let shock overtake me in a similar situation.

I too would worry that Lucy's mom might try to cast her dd as a victim. I wish I had some ideas for you, but I just cannot think of anything constructive. The first thought that came to my head was that you might want to evaluate your thoughts on changing schools or homeschooling if your dd requests. I am all for "character building", but if it were my dd, I would probably be open to this request if dd felt it was necessary to her happiness. You sound like the kind of person that would be very sensitive to your dd's needs, so I am sure this would not even be an issue for you.

Hugs to you and your dd (and Lucy)!


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## mamangazelle (Apr 25, 2003)

I think you got really good advice from previous posters, so I'll just add my







and say that your dd is very lucky to have a great mom like you!


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this mother and so, so sorry for your dd to have been treated like that.







As if it wasn't embarassing enough to be caught by a friend's mother like that? That she went on to scream at them and say hurtful things is so, so wrong.









I can see how shocked and embarassed the mother may have been to find her daughter engaged in sexual activity but to put it all on your dd like that is just...I'd have to hold myself back.







:

I can just imagine how heartbroken your dd is now too because it sounds like they were more than friends from what you say (not just the sex).

She is very lucky to have you for a mama. I'll be thinking of you both.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I wanted to add my thoguhts on how great of a mom you are and my sympathy to your dd for having gone through this.







to both of you.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:

But the first thing that came to mind, wasn't that this gossipy woman would tell people your child was gay, but that she would lie to protect her daughter and say things that are really bad. And thats where it can get ugly. My guess isn't that she's going to get on the horn and tell everyone your daughter is a lesbian (because then it would out her daughter, and really being lesbian isn't *that* big a deal), but that she will get on the horn and spread vicious rumors.
I was thinking the same thing.

I would ask your daughter what she wants you to do about it.


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

I wish I had some wise words for you, but I don't. Sending your daughter some hugs as she learns to deal with close mindedness... unfortunately there is alot of this in the world.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

to you all


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

I think your daughter is lucky to have you. My guess is that the other girl's Mom was just shocked and talking in the heat of the moment. However I also understand your concerns that she may really try to smear your daugher/family publicly. This can be a reality in smaller towns especially when you are perceived as an outsider or different. Sorry that your daughter has to go through this since it sounds like Lucy is pretty important to her.


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## ellemoon (Mar 19, 2003)

This is a really bad situation all the way around and I just wanted to tell you that I think you are doing just fine. If it were me I don't think I would back off of it - not even for a few days. It sounds like your daughter is in a very bad place emotionally. If she does love the girl and is fearful of being publicly outed as a lesbian she is going to need a lot of support. When you are a teenager everything can be so devastating. Sometimes you just can't imagine how you are going to get through issues because you have no perspective. Be on the look out for signs of depression.
She is lucky to have you in her corner.

Hugs to you~
ellen


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

oh Michele, what a tough situation.

this struck me:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MotherEden*
... She says her heart is broken because she loves Lucy and now won't be able to see her.











when i was your dd's age, i was deeply in love with a close female friend... things never worked out between us and at the time it was very hard to deal with. i can only imagine how much harder it would have been if i had ever been *intimate* with her. and to be honest, i *still* think about her sometimes.









i think you're doing the right thing keeping the lines of communication open with your dd and helping her through this.







s to you both.


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## lynsage (Jul 13, 2004)

the behavior of lucy's mother as described in this post was kind of hard for me to stomach.

i had girlfriends* when i was a teen (starting at age 14) and while i'm sure my dad and stepmom had a pretty good idea what was going on when we had "sleepovers", they _never_ entered the room without knocking, day or night, and they always announced their presence in the house. (they behaved the same way when i had boyfriends). there is no way they would ever have crept around the house listening for "strange sounds" and then busted into the room without knocking. the fact that the mom did that, rather than just come home, walk in, and say "I'm home, I'm concerned that you didn't want to come to the mall, and I need to know if there are boys or alcohol in this house right now" is sending up red flags for me.

sneaking up on teenagers trying to "catch them" doing something is pretty creepy in my opinion. an adult woman would be able to identify "weird noises" as the sounds of sexual activity and know not to go barging into that room. this mom obviously has no respect for her daughter's privacy and no healthy boundaries set up concerning her daughter's sexuality. that she is trying to make that your problem is just sad.

hugs to you and your daughter for being stuck in this awful situation with this creepy homophobic woman. you should tell her that if she tries to drag your daughter through the mud you will take action against her for endangering your daughter by making her walk over a mile alone while nobody knew where she was.

*NOTE: i knew exactly what i was doing and i was not "experimenting". i have been aware of my bisexuality from a very early age. i'm not saying every teenager who is sexually active is aware of their sexual orientation, but i was, as many are, and i think to call it "experimenting" is dismissive- especially when it is usually applied to same-sex activities.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

ITA with everything you said Lynsage. This woman sounds off.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

I am so sorry for what your daughter is going through - how lucky she is to have such a great mama. Good for you for honouring her need for space right now; it's so hard to do this when we know our babes are hurting. This will help her come to you when she's ready to talk.

I can only imagine what Lucy's mother said to her, and called her, cause just-beneath-the-surface racism is always brought to light when any other ugliness goes down - it's always served as a side along with classism or ableism or, in this case, homophobia.

People can just plain suck. I'm sorry.

edited to add: I'm assuming, because you mentioned your family is racially mixed, your DD is of colour. Sorry if I've assumed too much.


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

Are there any LGBT/questioning youth support groups in your area? If so, it can be a real lifesaver. Whether she was exploring, this is a crush or a phase or she is bisexual or lesbian, whatever, a circle of accepting peers may be more than helpful. Participation in such a support group saved my sanity as a teen and helped me cope w/ hostility I faced elsewhere. Such groups respect confidentiality and are lead by responsible adults from the local LGBT community who have BTDT.


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## Earthy~Mama (Apr 13, 2005)

I can't say I know what you going through because I have no idea. I am sure living in a town where you feel unaccepted it is very hard in and of itself. Your daughter is lucky to have such a open and understanding mother. Sadly enough the other girl isn't as lucky. I truly hope neither girl has to feel any more negative repercussions for their actions. I do want to add that teaching safe sexual practices is a good idea. I knew little, if anything, about safe sex at that age.


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## mmmummy (Mar 12, 2005)

wooow..tough one..
i remember feeling trapped and upset when at a friends house they tried to force me to take a bite of sweet and sour chicken (which i dont like). i cant imagine how your daughter must have felt to be caught during such a private act. and for the mother to pull such a freak out..i mean,i can picture her saying he daughters name loudly in shock,or just shaking and quietly going back upstairs,stunned by what she had seen,and talking with them about it later..just reactions like that. but she certainly could have helped saying all those nasty things to your daughter,and to threaten to tell everyone your daughter is terrible so no one will want to be around her-or whatever it is exactly that shes saying she will do?? *shakes head* thats just so sad..i wish there was some way of stopping her from it..i really hope and pray that she does not do that,i wish i had some sort of really good advice,but i dont. i do have to say i agree with the others though,that you need to talk with your daughter about protecting herself,no matter the situation or sex of the other person..they may be 14 but she needs to realize that bad things do happen even to really young people (not saying you havent spoken about it,or that she doesnt know,its just so concerning to think of our children in a bad situation that is hard to or impossible to reverse healthwise that could have been probably been prevented) take care and hope the other mum comes around after cooling off for awhile.


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## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

I just wanted to offer







for your daughter. Early heartbreak is bad enough without having to be smeared all over town on top of it! You are a wonderful mother and I really hope this crazy lady backs off.


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## kerc (May 9, 2002)

I read this yesterday and kept thinking about it all evening. The previous posters have all said what I was thinking about writing, but I just wanted to post to offer some







I have a 2 year old, but I hope that when she's as old as your daughter I'm able to respond with as much caring and compassion as you have. It is clear you are a good mom!


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## Lil'M (Oct 27, 2002)

More







for you and your dd. She is so lucky to have you!


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## RubyV (Feb 4, 2004)

Hugs to you and your daughter. You are headed for a rough path now, but it will be better.

I've been the young girl in love with her best friend. It was soo painful when I got in trouble for kissing her. It's been about 16 years since, and i still think about it. I applaud you for respecting her feelings for this girl. Being a teen in love is hard, and when it's someone of the same sex, it can be excrutiating to feel like you have to hide your pain.

Can you try to leave info around on safer sex, such as using latex gloves, dental dams, etc?


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## jeca (Sep 21, 2002)

I think she overeacted. If I had walked in on my dd in that situation i woudl have bowed out as quietly as possible as not to upset them. We would have talked about it later though. I also wouldn't assume that your dd is a lesbian. She may not know what she is yet. It is perfectly mor,al to develop a crush on your best girlfriends. As far as the other mom goes try to have a talk with her one on one and see if it gets anywhere.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Hugs to your daughter and to you mama.

I think lots of mamas have offered great suggestions, and you're doing great mama. I would only add to make sure your daughter understands (if she already doesn't) that this is a BACKWARDS town, and much of the world isn't like this.

I wouldn't worry about safer sex stuff... she has enough to deal with right now sounds like. And oral sex is widely considered to be low risk for STI transmission. Nobody tells adolescent boys to use dental dams when they go down on girls. I wouldn't make her feel any weirder than she probably already does.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I can understand that mom's shock. I cannot understand her conversation with you. I'm sorry this has happened (the mom). I sincerely hope she








to your daughter. She has got to be so hurt.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Can you call the other mama and tell her that both girls were involved in having sex, and if she tells anyone your daughter "corrupted" hers you will sue her







for slander?

I am not a big fan of lawsuits, but threatening one in this case just might shut her up.


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## lynsage (Jul 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama*
I wouldn't worry about safer sex stuff... she has enough to deal with right now sounds like. And oral sex is widely considered to be low risk for STI transmission. Nobody tells adolescent boys to use dental dams when they go down on girls. I wouldn't make her feel any weirder than she probably already does.

thank you. i was wondering how to phrase this and you did it perfectly.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I just got to thinking about the first post. I realize what really bothers me about the initail situation is that she kicked your dd out of her house and she had to walk at least a MILE to get home.


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## RubyV (Feb 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama*
Nobody tells adolescent boys to use dental dams when they go down on girls. I wouldn't make her feel any weirder than she probably already does.

Actually, I taught all my cousins, male and female, to use dental dams for oral sex, and taught them how to tear a condom for such use. I'm neurotic like that.

And yes, I did use dental dams when performing oral sex on girls. Comes from being a peer safer sex educator in high school.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I think the mom may have a different opinion when she's had time to think about it some more. Her first reaction may not be her final reaction - I would perhaps assume that is going to happen and plan to talk to her in a few hours or days.







to your daughter and to you


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## momoen1 (May 12, 2004)

What bothers me is that this woman thinks she can tell all the other parents to stay away from your dd and you're worried that she might actually be able to convince them. I wonder what excuse, lie, whatever she is going to tell them to convince them of this. Why can't these people think for themselves? I don't need someone to tell me to stay away from her b/c she's a lesbian. That's absurd. I feel I can make those decisions on my own. I definitely do not need someone telling me how to think. I'm really sorry this mother reacted this way and kicked your dd out. I hope the other mother comes to her senses and apologizes to everyone involved.

Mona


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Totally OT and apologies to OP, but what's a dental dam?


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coleslaw*
Totally OT and apologies to OP, but what's a dental dam?

It's like saran wrap. It's to protect from bodily fluids so you won't contract any std's, but is thin enough the sensation is still there.

ETA: Dental Dam


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *its_our_family*
I just got to thinking about the first post. I realize what really bothers me about the initail situation is that she kicked your dd out of her house and she had to walk at least a MILE to get home.









A mile is a ten minute walk, it's the least of the issues, as long as it wasn't the middle of the night.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

MotherEden,

How are things with DD today? Has she talked with you at all? I'm thinking about both of you.


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## MotherEden (Dec 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy*
A mile is a ten minute walk, it's the least of the issues, as long as it wasn't the middle of the night.


It wasnt the middle of the night, but it was raining (not pouring, but raining nevertheless)

I tried talking to dd today. She told me that she had never even considered that she might be gay before meeting Lucy. She said she always felt pressured to be intimate with her and eventually realized she liked it. And now she's not sure what she is.
I explained to her that she doesn't have to decide her sexual pref at 14. Hell, she doesnt need to decide it at 40. And I will be there for her no matter what. I assured her that I know how cruel teenagers can be and if she would like to be homeschooled until we move (which is in one year) that's fine with me, but it's up to her.
I also explained to her that Lucys mom is very small minded and if we allow ourselves to be hurt by people like her then we are rewarding their efforts.

DH stayed home from work today to take care of the twins so DD and I could have some alone time.

Thank you for all your support Mamas!


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## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

MotherEden,

You are doing everything right. I'm so glad you are giving your dd some one on one time and that you are giving her such loving support.

Take care.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Yay MotherEden! That sounds great... if I were your dd I would want to have you for my mama. You are doing the best you can with a crappy situation, supporting your kid and offering as many options as possible.

Re the walking home - I think it is not the distance, but the disrespect, that is the issue.

Hope your dd feels better soon, and that Lucy finds a way to get around her mama and see her.







I really feel for Lucy too.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MotherEden*
I explained to her that she doesn't have to decide her sexual pref at 14. Hell, she doesnt need to decide it at 40. And I will be there for her no matter what.
































What an amazing mama you are!


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama*
Re the walking home - I think it is not the distance, but the disrespect, that is the issue.

Yeah, that too...


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## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

Quote:

Yay MotherEden! That sounds great... if I were your dd I would want to have you for my mama. You are doing the best you can with a crappy situation, supporting your kid and offering as many options as possible.

Re the walking home - I think it is not the distance, but the disrespect, that is the issue.
ITA







Well put

Hugs for you - I think you're handling this so well. I've been following this thread and FWIW, it's sparked some interesting (in a good way, I mean productive) dialogue b/w DH and I about the many issues you're dealing with here. I hope that you're able to have some constructive dialogue (eventually?) with the other mother. I feel badly for her daughter







In any event, I wish you and your DD peace re this situation


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

I read this thread with a lot of interest since I have a gay father who as lived his entire life feeling inadequate and ashamed. I think *most* people have at least had same sex crushes at some point. I would be horrified, though, to walk in on my kid doing anything that graphic. I just don't know what I would do.

It sounds like you handled it the best you could under the circumstances. I wish your family the best.


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## Dechen (Apr 3, 2004)

I don't have anything to add, but I couldn't read and not send my thoughts to your daughter. You have a beautiful heart, and if any one can steer her through this ugly time it is you.


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## stayinghome (Jul 4, 2002)

for you, and a







for your daughter.

You are handling it beautifully. I hope she gets through this with the least amount of pain possible. That woman sounds horrible. I grew up in a school district just like that. Ugghhh.


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## lynsage (Jul 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ary99*
I would be horrified, though, to walk in on my kid doing anything that graphic. I just don't know what I would do.


The way to avoid that is to knock first


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## fluffernutter (Dec 8, 2002)

Lots of







s for you and your DD.


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## mamangazelle (Apr 25, 2003)

I hope things are looking better than they did at first. I hope the other mom has had a chance to calm down and think before talking. I'll be thinking of you, your dd, and the other girl. I think she's in the worst place: having your mom reject what you do in such a way must be so hard on a teenager.


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## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

Wow, Momma, I'm so sorry that this has happened.

I haven't read all of the other posts because I needed to talk with you right away.

DO NOT start setting up meetings with "older lesbians". Your daughter most likely is NOT a lesbian. Again, there's nothing wrong with it, but, it's very rare. If this were me, it would only confuse me more and anger me.

.................................................. ................................

Listen, when I was fourteen years old, I was crazy. I couldn't keep my thoughts straight, I thought about sex all of the time, I had constant sleep overs with my girlfriend and TALKED about sex all of the time, even verbal role playing that went on for years. I've since learned that this is EXTREMELY normal. It never got physical, but, if I had been just a little different, it easily could have.

When I DANCED with another "girl"friend at a highschool dance, I was labeled "The Lesbian".

Fortunately this happened when I was 17 (big age difference from 14) and I had a very very very strong sense of who I was and I got through it - but it never went away. I was constantly called "****" and I even had my life threatened by a huge guy one day. People are so volatile and cruel at that age, I really think it's unfortunate that we pen them all up together for five days a week.

Another couple of girls had this happen when they were in the Sixth grade... and it stayed with them for years and years.

I didn't like talking with my parents about sex, who does, but, when my mother caught wind of it and started asking me "if I was questioning my sexuality" I wanted to crawl under the tile floor. See, I knew who I was, I didn't need my Mother questioning it.... I just needed to hear her say "They're JERKS! You're NORMAL, people are stupid packs of jackals much of the time, and I'll love you if you grow a third arm." And left it at that.

************************************************** *******

Momma, I don't know if your daughter feels the exact same way that I did, but, that experience was so powerful, I will always rember exactly how I felt. Deeply angry, confused, frustrated, misunderstood and violated (it was NObody's business but MINE).

You need to just tell your daughter how fantastic you know she is, how smart and gorgeous and capable and strong she is. And that you know that she is the best judge of herself, and her own feelings, and that MOST WOMEN have gone through a stage of either curiousity about the same sex, or experiementing with the same sex BECAUSE most girls are completely flooded with sexual thoughts at that age, AND they are NOT allowed to be around the opposite sex, OR, they aren't READY to dabble with boys, so, they depend on their trusted, safe, close, easily understandable girlfriends for either discussion, or exploration. This is as normal as zits and periods.









Momma, I am sending you all of my strength. Your daughter is probably feeling angry and upset right now, and she just needs to know that this is N.O.R.M.A.L.

As far as the town goes, that's the toughy. You might have to move. I know that sounds extreme, but, as understanding as you can be, and even though we know this to be very common, others are not so understanding, especially teens and peers.

This will probably get out and if it does it won't go away. Your daughter will be in for a very rough ride. And while I'm sure you could help her through it, it might be something that you'd like to avoid all together if you can.... while assuring her that it's not because of HER that you're moving, but, because of assinine other people.

Is that possible?

Hang in there, I'm really really really feeling for you and your girl right now.

Trin.

****************************

Just read this:

explained to her that she doesn't have to decide her sexual pref at 14. Hell, she doesnt need to decide it at 40. And I will be there for her no matter what. I assured her that I know how cruel teenagers can be and if she would like to be homeschooled until we move (which is in one year) that's fine with me, but it's up to her.
I also explained to her that Lucys mom is very small minded and if we allow ourselves to be hurt by people like her then we are rewarding their efforts.

DH stayed home from work today to take care of the twins so DD and I could have some alone time.































YOU ROCK! If I could give your girl a big bear hug I would right now. You're handling this perfectly. Way to go. How is your man doing? I'm glad you're moving in a year, and I'm joyful that she has parents like you, way to go.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:

She said she always felt pressured to be intimate with her
Oh the irony, that now the other mom may paint this as the opposite. That mom sure is swimming in that river in Egypt isn't she? HER precious baby would be pure and white as the driven snow if it weren't for those Other People and their Bad Influence. (What a sad way to approach love and sex and stuff.)

Big, big hugs to you and your dd and I will be sending good thoughts to the other girl too, who must be in hell right now with a mom like that. It would be nice to think her mom might apologize to her for her reaction, maybe I'm naive though...

You might consider talking to a counselor of some kind...not to "fix" anything but to cope with the fallout. Just a thought...MDC might serve that purpose as well.


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## CarolynnMarilynn (Jun 3, 2004)

Maybe I am reading some posts wrong, but I'd like to just point out that if she is gay, it's totally N.O.R.M.A.L. too!


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

I am so sorry you have to deal with this idiot. Unfortunately this can become a very scary situation. If you are really in that proverbial small town, you might well be blackballed (as though they needed this stick to beat you with) and your daughter might face more tangible repercussions than ostracism or gossip. She might be physically harrassed and have little recourse if law enforcement in your area is as backward as the morons you live among.

While you have the immediate problem of your poor daughter's humiliation and pain, as well as how the neighborhood will respond, I wouldn't call it paranoid to contact organizations such as P-FLAG and ask what you can do in the event of harrassment. I would also be especially protective of your daughter for a while. It's not as though you live in New York or Frisco where you can just shrug it off and ignore it. I second talking to a gay/bi/etc friendly counsellor who can support you & your dd through this.

The problem is if this had not been discovered, it might have been something she moved on from and rarely thought of in the future, like many folks' experimentation days. Now she has to deal with issues of identity and sexuality that she is rather young to be trying to pinpoint and cope with. What should have just been fun and maybe a giddy secret has become this sordid public nightmare. I am so sorry.

Annie on my Mind is a great book for the 12-16 age range (I first read it as an adult) about some high school girls who are in love but not sure they want to be identified as gay, etc. There is also a scene of melodramatic discovery. It is a lovely, lovely book that your daughter might enjoy reading, when she is ready.


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

Oh, I just read the whole thread and am glad to see you were already planning to move. What is the school environment like? Is it likely to be a threatening or ugly place for her to be if this gets out? Would the admin know how to handle it properly?


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

Wow, poor kid. Its hard enough being a teenager without having some sneaking maniac starting a lynch mob.

I can remember having crushes on girls when I was really young...I liked boys, too, fairly early. I didn't understand why I liked some boys and some girls differently, or some female teachers... When I did hear about women that liked women, it was in a far from positive light. If you weren't strictly hetero, you were going to hell. Even in high school I hadn't figured out that I was bi. I was 19 before it finally hit me. (Strangely enough after I'd moved out of my family's place and gone to college.) I can remember being accused of being a lesbian in middle school and high school after NOT looking in gym locker rooms or showers. I was sooo careful about it, that it found me out.







And that was hell. Luckily no one ever got parents involved. I can't imagine how she has to be feeling.

She might be like me, an equal opportunity lover. Or, as a friend of mine puts it, she just doesn't discriminate gender when choosing lovers. Make sure she doesn't feel pigeonholed. For me, while I'm still bisexual, I am quite happily married and live a very "straight" life. Occasionally a girl on the street will warrant a (now open) second look, though.







:

If things get too bad, you might want to consider pulling her out of school. We had a lesbian pair in high school get the snot beaten out of them by a pack of ********. Particularly if she's being painted as the tainter of innocents.







Hopefully that creepy woman calms down and thinks about the fact that she'll be implicating her own daughter and keeps her trap shut. Darn small towns and their closemindedness...

Hugs to all of you in this time of stress.... You're an amazing mommy, I wish I'd had you a mom as understanding as you when I was growing up!


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## RubyV (Feb 4, 2004)

Hey, how are you and your daughter doing?


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## Turtle Woman (Aug 29, 2003)

My thoughts have been with you and your family. How was going back to school for your dd and how is she? Has your dd been able to find out if her friend is ok? I hope they are able to talk somehow.


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

just another one saying that you *and* your daughter and family are amazing! That woman and anyone who goes along with her b*llsh*t have some bad karma coming their way.


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

Also wondering about you and your daughter and hoping you're dong all right...


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