# When D&C is NOT an option...



## symbiosis (Dec 6, 2001)

Hi,

I wondering how those of you that *had* to have a D&C are feeling/dealing after your miscarriage.

I started spotting and 3 days later began heavy bleeding. I thought "well, this is it" and prepared myself for what was to come - although that did NOT include having a D&C.

The heavy bleeding progressed to saturating a pad every 15 minutes for an hour and I still held out that things would be okay. It then came to be every 10 minutes and I phoned my midwife who instructed me to go in.

I still had reservations even though I had felt faint a couple of times. I attributed that to what my body was going through - not that I was losing too much blood.

Then, the bleeding was happening pretty much non-stop and I knew I had no choice but to go in. By the time I arrived at the hospital (which is about a 12 - 15 minute drive) I had bleed through a new pad to the point my jeans were soaked and I had left a bloody mess.

The ob/gyn, at no surpise, informed me I had to have a D&C. She later told my dh if I had waited any longer to come in I would have been passing out.

I feel robbed. I feel almost violated although it's a stretch of the word....having something done to my body that I did not want done (even though I know it was necessary).

I have a hard time thinking about/re-living that experience but I know I need to work through it to bring my healing closer.

I guess I wondering if any of you feel that you are grieving twice, in a way. The loss of your child and the loss of how your child was "birthed".

Because of the nature of this forum D&Cs are common topics, hence bringing it to the forefront of my mind, and I'm needing a way to help me deal with what has happened.

Thanks.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm so sorry things didn't go better for you. I completely undrestand what you're saying. Your baby had died and you felt that by 'giving birth' to her you're body and mind would heal better.

This is a secound blow and you have every right to feel sad and disapointed. However, please bare in mind that you're not alone in this. Many of the women in this forum have had similar situations. Though allowing the body to miscarry naturally is usually safe, things do happen.

You're body created that life and nurtured it. For some reason the life could not hold on. You're body DID NOT fail! Blameing and questioning is so normal and I can't tell you not to do it. But I just want you to know, you did not fail.

As you know, you've lost a lot of blood. Your iron supply is depleteing to keep up. Please make sure you're eating lot's of leafy greeens. If your not a vegitarian - red meats are high in iron. Also, beats are a great source.

Try to eat small, but healthy meals throughout the day. You don't want to get hungry, but, you don't want to feel stuffed either.

Keeping hydrated is another key here. Please fill a cup with water or herbal tea and drink it throughout the day. Red Rasberry Leaf tea and Dandilyon tea are very good at helping balance electrolites in the body. I like them iced and they don't really need sweetner.

Try to rest, your body has been through a very taumatic experience. Don't lift anything over 5 lbs. for a few weeks and try not to go up and down stairs much. Hold off on working out. When the bleeding stops, basic Yoga may prove helpful in becoming in-tune with your body again.

Again, I'm sorry things didn't go better for you. I'll light a candle to day to honor your baby and send a warm light you're way. Hugs to you - take care! Please feel free to vent all you need here. I'll be away most of today, but, will check in this evening.

Much Gentleness,

Jacque


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

Your post seems like you haven't forgiven yourself for needing medical help. You did everything you could to go through this process naturally, and it wasn't working. You needed help, and you got it.
I don't mean to minimize the trauma you went through, and I can understand the second loss, the loss of the birth you wanted for your tiny baby.
I guess what I'm trying to say is to be gentle with yourself, you made the right choice, really the only choice, you could have made for you and your baby.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Hi,
I totally understand what you mean by feeling robbed and violated.

I had a d&c after my first miscarriage, because I had no idea I had a choice in the matter. It wasn't until I had another miscarriage years later, that I realized how violated I had felt with the d&C. I actually felt as if I had been raped, like something precious to me was taken away. I imagined my legs splayed, the doctor scraping, and me unconscious through it all. I woke up afterwards feeling alone, knowing I no longer had my baby and I just felt so lonely.

I think all of that is normal. It's good to allow yourself the freedom of emotion- to really grieve all of it, to kind of cleanse your womb emotionally.

Doing some art really helped me- kind of like what you would do if you were expecting (like in Birthing From Within). You can let go of more of your "thinking self that way.

Also, you can still have ceremony to honor your child, maybe bury something symbolizing his/her life to you. You may even want to bury something symbolizing the loss of the birth experience. I'm sure you'll come up with your own ways of healing. Maybe you could write a letter to your doctor or the hospital, (not to mail even , but just to say what you need to say).

I hope you heal well.

Sarah


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## symbiosis (Dec 6, 2001)

Ms. Mom and naotalba, thank you for your kind and supportive words. I guess I haven't even entertained the thought that maybe I wasn't "forgiving" myself but it makes sense to me.

moonglowmama, thank you for sharing your experience. I was beginning to feel as if I was the only one here that feels this way.

At one point I started to keep what I was miscarrying (although I'm certain my baby was not present) and plan to have a burial when I'm ready (I miscarried the day after Thanksgiving).

Reading your words has made me understand more why I'm feeling the way I am - I truly think when a D&C isn't the option a woman wanted, it brings about a whole new area of grief - the child was taken away, twice, in a way. Once because his/her life has passed on and once by medical intervention.

Maybe this a journey I need to travel in order to give me more insight and compassion for others that may travel the same road. Maybe I can validate those empty feelings and feelings of being violated because I experience them too.

Thank you again for your replies.

Ann


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I have'nt commented because I have not had a miscarriage or D&C... but it occurred to me that the grief one would experience in a situation such as this would be very similar to how a woman would feel after a c-section, as far as being violated and not birthing her child the way she had hoped. The fact that your baby died would only magnify that pain and sense of violation.

I remember going to the bedside of a mama who wanted to speak to someone else who had birthed a stillborn. She had a c-section after it was learned that her son had died after 5 days of labor (long story). One thing that made me so sad for her was when she said, "but all I wanted to do was birth him naturally, like you did" oh, it broke my heart. I explained to her that my situation was just different and it could have easily gone the other way for me as well. We can't beat ourselves up over things like this, we can only make the best decision we can with what we are being presented.

I am deeply sorry that you had such a traumatic experience... losing a baby is hard enough without the added stress that you ladies were dealt. Yes, many women choose to miscarry on thier own, but what happened to you, Ann, sounds so scary... but like Naotalba said, it sounds like you made the only choice you could. It would have added to the tragedy had something happened to you as well.

Wishing you peace...

XM


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Ann,

I have no idea why some of us experience this kind of pain. There is no rhyme or reason? What I do know, is that it changes us deeply and forever becomes a part of who we are. Just as having a live child whould have done.

You do have many roads of greif to travel now. It's going to take time - grief work is the hardest work you'll ever do.

My heart goes out to you. Remember, there's no time limit here. Take the time you need to move through things. When you're ready, a ritual or ceremony may be just what you need. Find a poem that speeks to you, write a letter to your baby saying good-bye and telling her how much you loved and wanted her. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Gently,

Jacque


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## symbiosis (Dec 6, 2001)

Thank you XM and again Ms. Mom!

Maybe if a D&C was a different procedure, not "scraping", then it would be easier to accept and not leave such a feeling of violation...violation for me and Judah (my spirit baby's name).

I do believe that if I allow myself and open my heart and mind, I will gain a deeper understanding and will have learned something through this experience. As I said before, maybe it's just to be able to help someone else that has/is/will experience the same.

One can truly have compassion for another's pain but I don't think one can truly "understand" the pain unless they have walked that specific walk KWIM?

I speak from experience as I've felt great compassion for friends that have had a miscarriage but never understood their grief until I experienced it myself.

Peace, love, and healing

Ann


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