# school bully's mom spanked him...



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

my son was recently bullied at school (and beaten up)

well, their parents were called in, and one of the parents SPANKED her child right then/there.

this is NOT what i was hoping for at all.

so, now, basically the kid gets the message that it is OK to hit....opposite of what needed to be taught.

i was too shocked to do/say anything.

I guess I don't have a question. But, rather, I just wanted to vent.







:

Thanks for listening/reading.


----------



## moonpie's_mama (Oct 31, 2005)

and people wonder why kids hit??!?!!!?!?! what is that woman thinking? this drives me bonkers...







:


----------



## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

No wonder the kid is a bully.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

How sad.

That kid doesn't have much of a chance, does he?


----------



## cinnamonamon (May 2, 2003)

Yea, that's wonderful. So he can continue to try to control his environment in the same way his parents control theirs -- force. I'd be worried about your child too -- next time the bully might be more sneaky & threaten dire consequences if your little one "tattles."


----------



## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I'm sorry


----------



## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Why do we hit people who hit people to teach them that hitting is wrong?







:







:







:







:


----------



## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I guess those studies that show spanking causes aggressive behavior in children are right.







You must feel awful, but you had to stand up for your child. Ugh.


----------



## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

The same sort of thing happened with us last year. I felt so bad for both the kids.


----------



## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

I have a 4-year-old nephew who is a spitfire. He also hits regularly. His mom doesn't understand why. Um, maybe cause when you're pissed at him, you hit him. She thinks it's because he's the youngest of four boys. Yeah the older boys hit him like he hits them, but not as often as his parents.


----------



## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

I am so sorry for both kids and you. How are you doing? How is your son doing now?


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Now I do not advocate spanking in ANY way, shape or form, but I have to disagree that all kids who are or have been spanked are aggressive. Did the study say ALL kids, or just some?

What about the posts on the GD forum about how kids who are not spanked who hit, kick, scratch and pinch, and even SPIT on their parents? That it makes me just go, "huh". That does not mean I think people should not practice GD or at least some form of GD. Anything to make people think and not spank is great. And I am sure some kids are just more apt to act aggressive even if they are not spanked.

I know many people who were spanked and yet they are the most gentle, loving people (who don't spank their own kids) you would ever meet. My best friend has NEVER spanked her children, yet she was spanked.

I do agree that the poor boy should not have been spanked and humiliated like that. I feel sorry for him. What a terrible thing for you to have to witness. I would have been tempted to stop the parent. I am suprised the school people didn't.


----------



## veganbaby (Oct 28, 2004)

I am so sorry. How did you child feel afterwards? Did you guys speak together about it? My heart hurts for the boy.


----------



## PatchyMama (Dec 6, 2002)

of course no one is saying that all kids are spanked, but studies have shown the chance of your child being aggressive does go up when they are treated with violence.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PatchyMama*
of course no one is saying that all kids are spanked, but studies have shown the chance of your child being aggressive does go up when they are treated with violence.


Oh of course it does. I was not being argumentive. I hope no one took it that way. I have had people tell me though, that ALL people who were/are spanked will turn out to be serial killers or something, when it just is not true.

I just feel so sorry for the OP, and especially that poor boy. Bully or not, he didn't deserve the punishment he got.


----------



## onlyboys (Feb 12, 2004)

My son has also been bullied by a child whose parents hit him. Frequently. For most offenses.

My son is very confused by his behavior, and has actually said to me, "He doesn't know better. His parents hit HIM."


----------



## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
I have had people tell me though, that ALL people who were/are spanked will turn out to be serial killers or something

No one in their right mind ever claimed that.

Back on topic.....that sucks. I probably would have freaked out, not in a GD/advocacy type way....more in a "What the f---!?!? Don't hit your kid! What the hell is that gonna do?!".

Yikes.

OP-maybe you could use this as an educational moment for your son...


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CookieMonsterMommy*
No one in their right mind ever claimed that.

Back on topic.....that sucks. I probably would have freaked out, not in a GD/advocacy type way....more in a "What the f---!?!? Don't hit your kid! What the hell is that gonna do?!".

Yikes.

OP-maybe you could use this as an educational moment for your son...


I THOUGHT no person with common sense would think such a thing. Thank you for clarifying.









You would probably be surprised at the things I have seen and heard these days.







:


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
I THOUGHT no person with common sense would think such a thing. Thank you for clarifying.









You would probably be surprised at the things I have seen and heard these days.







:

Is there a reason you are not hsing?


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
Is there a reason you are not hsing?

I was not referring to school, just what I have seen/heard in everyday life. It just floors me sometimes.







:

Funny you should mention homeschooling, though. I did HS my oldest last year. It was not a good fit for him. Or me, to be honest. He enjoys school and does much better in general, in school. His teacher is fabulous. She has a gift for teaching children that I sorely lack. He is a much happier boy now, and I am happy for him.

My middle child has autism and is in the special ed class, where he has had the same teacher for 3 yrs. He has blossomed from an almost nonverbal child, to a child who can hold somewhat of a conversation.

I think homeschooling is great. I am totally for it. I know many moms and dads who do it and do it well. It just didn't work out for us. But, that does not mean the learning has stopped at home. We still read and do other educational things together, and with his brothers and their dad. Learning at home, as you know, is not limited to homeschooling.


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
I was not referring to school, just what I have seen/heard in everyday life. It just floors me sometimes.







:

Funny you should mention homeschooling, though. I did HS my oldest last year. It was not a good fit for him. Or me, to be honest. He enjoys school and does much better in general, in school. His teacher is fabulous. She has a gift for teaching children that I sorely lack. He is a much happier boy now, and I am happy for him.

My middle child has autism and is in the special ed class, where he has had the same teacher for 3 yrs. He has blossomed from an almost nonverbal child, to a child who can hold somewhat of a conversation.

I think homeschooling is great. I am totally for it. I know many moms and dads who do it and do it well. It just didn't work out for us. But, that does not mean the learning has stopped at home. We still read and do other educational things together, and with his brothers and their dad. Learning at home, as you know, is not limited to homeschooling.

I thought you were saying the child was hit in the school.

I tend to wonder/question 'reports' regarding these sorts of incidents (not yours-- the person who told you they saw the child spanked in the school). It's all these years knowing Fox is out there.







:

Although, and don't throw stones, there is no way my child would continue to attend any school which could not keep them safe from being beaten up. That's simply non -negotaible, no matter what my child would want. Esp when the offender is know to be abused. That's a recipe for disaster.

Further I can't see a child choosing to attend a school where they are getting battered if they had other options.

edited for spelling.


----------



## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
I thought you were saying the child was hit in the school.

I tend to wonder/question 'reports' regarding these sorts of incidents (not yours-- the person who told you they saw the child spanked in the school). It's all these years knowing Fox is out there.







:

Although, and don't throw stones, there is no way my child would continue to attend any school which could not keep them safe from being beaten up. That's simply non -negotaible, no matter what my child would want. Esp when the offender is know to be abused. That's a recipe for disaster.

Further I can't see a child choosing to attend a school where they are getting battered if they had other options.

edited for spelling.


I think you might have confused me for the OP. I didn't see any child hit in any school, nor was my child beaten up. And I agree with you.


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sleepies*
my son was recently bullied at school (and beaten up)

well, their parents were called in, and one of the parents SPANKED her child right then/there.

this is NOT what i was hoping for at all.

so, now, basically the kid gets the message that it is OK to hit....opposite of what needed to be taught.

i was too shocked to do/say anything.

I guess I don't have a question. But, rather, I just wanted to vent.








:

Thanks for listening/reading.

Did she spank him in the school? How did the administration handle that?

And how is your child doing? What was the outcome?


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
I think you might have confused me for the OP. I didn't see any child hit in any school, nor was my child beaten up. And I agree with you.

Yeah, I want to know what happened with the OP and the child in question.


----------



## CalebsMama05 (Nov 26, 2005)

that is outrageous. and ridiculous if that mother thinks that will teach him to not hit!


----------



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

well,

today he was knocked down 2x at school

by a different kid.

this time ONE little girl.

He has a black eye and scratched up face.

Teacher called me and said that he "Fell." .....................

He came home and said he was pushed. I'll find out more tomorrow.

This is crazy stuff I tell you.

He seems so confused. He told me today "The world is full of hitting"...

Makes me sad. He's never even been spanked, and now I have this to deal with.








:

PS> The administration (Principal) spoke to my husband and told him that the mother 'spanked him right in front of me so i know it was dealt with' --gasp-- DH didn't have comment to her.

I may be going in there for a 1/1 chat soon.

We can opt for private school, but all of those are 'religious' around here.

This school SHOULD be safe. Nice neighborhood. High "test" scores (the best in area). Or we could afford to move, but it would really shake up our long term goals (house is almost paid for).


----------



## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Do you work outside of the home?


----------



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

Homeschooling isn't for me.
I know people who do it. It can be great. Just no way it would work out.

We try to do as much 'homeschooling' as we can in summer, and it just never goes the way I plan. I 'homeschool' also after school everyday and weekend.

Not interested in doing it full time. It is a hard job though. Everyone that does it should be proud.

So, like I mentioned. We'd have to move or use a religious school... if it comes to that.


----------



## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Okay, but it's already "come to that".

Sorry to be blunt, but you cannot continue to place your child inot an unsafe place. Especially if you are available to him. It's not fair to him.


----------



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

i am going to talk to the teacher/principal in the AM.
plan to set up meeting with them.

homeschooling full time is really not something I feel comfortable with undertaking. like i said, we try in the summer and it doesn't really work out.


----------



## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sleepies*
i am going to talk to the teacher/principal in the AM.
plan to set up meeting with them.

homeschooling full time is really not something I feel comfortable with undertaking. like i said, we try in the summer and it doesn't really work out.

But you feel comfortable sending him to school where he's been beaten up (at least) twice??







:

Why not homeschool now while looking for a religious or private school??

And what didn't work about it? There are HSing forums here that might really be able to help you.


----------



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

((not to keep posting))--looking like a chat room...

but. i am not comfortable with it.

that's why i am asking for advice.

and talking to the teachers.

thought they were on top of it. until today.

if things don't improve, worst case, we'd take him out of kindergarten and move, and send him next year.

he just turned 5 in july, so it wouldn't be a set back.

and yes, id work with him. as much as i can.

not everyone is cut out to be a teacher, it is a difficult job to say the least. i do my best, but i realize i am not meant for the job.


----------



## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sleepies*
not everyone is cut out to be a teacher, it is a difficult job to say the least.

But at 5 you wouldn't even have to be a teacher, just a mama. I'm very sorry--I'm trying, but I just don't understand your logic her.

I understand that you're going to talk with people, but you've talked to the principal before about your sons safety and it obviously did nothing. What's going to make this any different? Your son is not safe in this school. What are you going to do if he gets beat up again and just refuses to go to school? The last thing you need is a jaded 5 year old.

At least talk to a lawyer...


----------



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

Thanks.
Those are all very good points.
All of which I shall bring up.

I'm trying to go over in my mind all the questions for which I need answers.


----------



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Sleepies:
I completely relate to just *knowing* that homeschool would not work out for you. I know right now (and my DD's only 2) that I would not be a good homeschooler. And if my daughter was put in a position that your son is in I would do just what you are doing, going in to talk with the principle on a one on one meeting. I'd be requesting to speak with the teacher that told me my child "fell". I'd be looking into the private religious schools (even though I'm not religious in the least). My DH and I want to eventually get a house and pay it off, and if this were the house we had in a nice neighborhood (for the most part) instead of looking into moving (because you never know, there might be an even worse bully in the next town over) I'd be looking seriously into the private schools and just make a point to reiterate at home (if my child were enrolled there) that the religious portions of the school are just to learn, and not necessarily be believed, that some people do but others believe other things (and then I'd occassionally try to have little convos about different faiths).

CMM:
You've admitted that you can't understand from SLeepies perspective why she cannot homeschool, so instead of pressuring her or trying to make her feel guilty, could you try and be supportive in some other way? Like, could you help her be productive in the path she has chosen to take? (Maybe suggesting questions she can ask the local private schools?)

I just don't want Sleepies to feel beaten down for not doing the homeschooling thing, when homeschooling REALLY IS NOT meant for EVERYONE. KWIM? (I'm not trying to be mean, rude or anything, so please don't read it in that way.







)


----------



## Imogen (Jul 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sleepies*
my son was recently bullied at school (and beaten up)

well, their parents were called in, and one of the parents SPANKED her child right then/there.

this is NOT what i was hoping for at all.

so, now, basically the kid gets the message that it is OK to hit....opposite of what needed to be taught.

i was too shocked to do/say anything.

I guess I don't have a question. But, rather, I just wanted to vent.







:

Thanks for listening/reading.

You know, such thinking doesn't surprise me. We have a 'problem' child that lives on our street. You know, 11 years old, throwing stones at windows, threatening people. He was raised in an environment where his Mother did not agree with spanking. Which I fully support. However, Mother and Father would often get into violent drunken physical fights in front of little boy when he was younger. She might as well as spanked him for all the damage that has been done by witnessing such violence. Furthermore, he once told me that his Mother had stated that if someone hits him... if he doesn't hit that child back, then she will hit him (her son).

It's honestly no surprise to me that so many children grow up damaged.


----------



## sunshinestarr (Jan 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Poot*







No wonder the kid is a bully.









:


----------



## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

Quote:

Although, and don't throw stones, there is no way my child would continue to attend any school which could not keep them safe from being beaten up. That's simply non -negotaible, no matter what my child would want. Esp when the offender is know to be abused. That's a recipe for disaster.
For those of you with this same thought. How many of you have ever been a teacher or worked in the schools? Teachers, in most cases, can not stop a fight from happening, though once it occurs they should stop it. That does not mean that it won't happen again. A student who will hit or beat up another still has to go through due process. He/she is protected by federal law. There are steps that must occur and proccesses to follow. No one is able to just throw a kid out for one fight! He can be suspended (though in Kindergarten after the first fight most schools wouldn't, maybe a 24 hour removal) To actually be expelled a child must have multiple suspensions or make specific death threats, or bring a weapon to school. Teachers can make sure the kids don't sit near each other, aren't in line together, etc. But it doesn't stop that child (who may be bullied at home) from jumping out of their seats and running up and pounding someone before the teacher can get there.

Sleepies, I am so sorry this happened to your son, and to the bully


----------



## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Please check out any religious schools you consider to learn about what their culture of non violence (or violence) is, corporal punishment etc.

If you pull him out for another year, at this young an age, that could be a great option. It sounds like he could start K in another year and be fine? (although probably not at this school!) My kids didn't start formal schooling until almost 6. If he is home at 5 I don't think you need to do any formal written work at home, if that is what is keeping you from having him home. Search for "Unschoolers" and "unschooling" parents, they may be helpful here for this kind of thing.


----------



## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

This is an article from The Natural Child Project about how using force to get your way starts in the home with the parent modelling bullying: http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_gr...n_bullies.html

Pat


----------



## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Please consider checking this Mothering article out as well. Be sure to click on the sidebar links at the top, too.


----------



## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ambrose*
CMM:
You've admitted that you can't understand from SLeepies perspective why she cannot homeschool, so instead of pressuring her or trying to make her feel guilty, could you try and be supportive in some other way? Like, could you help her be productive in the path she has chosen to take? (Maybe suggesting questions she can ask the local private schools?)

I'm not going to support her in continuing to send her son to this school. Sorry. At 5 years old he does not need homeschooling-just mothering. (if she chose to HS at 5 that's cool too, but by no means a requirement)

How would I know what questions she should ask a private school? I've never interviewed one, nor have I known anyone to interview one. Sleepies, we also have an extensive school forum that you should check out, maybe it has info on questions to ask?

And to the PP--yes, I've worked in a PreK and DS's dad is a highschool teacher. No one is asking that the teachers physically break up fights (though at the Kindergarten level, such an expectation is not too unreasonable). But if this is a problem, the child should be moved into another class, there should be age appropriate programs about violence, maybe an extra teachers aid can sit with the students.

Kelly


----------



## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Sleepies, a middle-of-the-road approach you might consider is a charter cyber school. It's still technically public school and all materials and lesson plans are provided. He would be at home, safe from the bullies, and it would take the pressure of being his sole teacher off you, if it's something you'd want to consider.

ETA: I wanted to say this is not to pressure you into homeschooling. But if you really feel he's not safe, and that homeschooling isn't an option, lots of moms find this to be a good "in the middle" solution.


----------



## janerose (May 9, 2004)

I just wanted to add my 2 cents on the private school issue.

I attended parochial schools from 1-12 grades. They were considered (and still are) to be the best schools in our town. And in fact, I think that in many ways they are superior to most of our regions public schools.

HOWEVER, don't make the mistake of equating "private" or "religious" with no bullying. I was picked on a lot. Never hit because I was a girl, but lots and lots of teasing, name calling, social stigma, exclusion...







This continued all the way up until I graduated from high school. It was not fun & I will not be sending my child to those schools either.

We will homeschool because I simply see no other acceptable alternative (there are no charter or Montessori type schools around us either), but I totally respect that you're not comfortable with doing it. Just wanted to point out not to assume that private schools or schools in other areas are free from these problems. Frankly, I feel that if you are going to send your child to ANY sort of formal school they are going to deal with this at some point or another. But the faculty's response can and will vary widely from school to school and that should be what you focus on when interviewing people.

Oh, and my first questions to the principal would be "Why in the world do you feel that just because the boy's mother hit him in front of you the issue has been dealt with? Where do you think he probably learned to hit in the first place? Do you seriously think that hitting a child is an effective way to teach them NOT to hit?" I would also be asking for a meeting with the principal and the teacher who told you he "fell" to get to the bottom of that.

At the very least you should be able to find a school where the faculty doesn't *condone* hitting, which I'm sorry but that's what they're doing! If you do look into other schools in your area I would ask them what their response would be to a child's parents hitting them in front of the principal as a way to punish them for bullying someone. That right there should be a good indicator if you want to send him there or not.

Best of luck. Keep us updated!

Blessings,
Holly


----------



## jackaroosmom (May 12, 2006)

Wow







: I've been following this thread and wanted to offer you a great big







cause sometimes when you post you just want to vent and get some encouragement, not tons of pressure! At least what might be confused as pressure, but certainly well-intended.

I hope things work out well for you and your dc.


----------



## greenmagick (Jun 6, 2006)

What area are you in. There should be some secular private schools as well.


----------



## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

. . . . and the cycle continues. . .. no wonder the poor child is bullying other children . . . he's being bullied himself and probably feels so helpless about it . . . . .







:


----------



## janerose (May 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *greenmagick*
What area are you in. There should be some secular private schools as well.

Not the OP, but this is not true everywhere! I live in rural northeastern NY and there are NO secular private schools anywhere near our home. By anywhere near I mean within an hour or so drive.

It would be great if that really was an option for everyone, but unfortunately it's not.









Holly


----------



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

i had a meeting with the principal.

the teacher's aids are going to be keeping a closer watch on my son...to see what indeed is going on.

the first couple of incidents were with the same two "bullies". this last time was with a little girl from his actual kindergarten class. the two "bullies were at recess and the little girl was after recess (in line--going up some stairs).

i believe the principal, that she is going to have the aids watch him more closely.

my son says that no one is bothering him at recess anymore. apparently he actually likes the little girl....that knocked him down...unsure that she was being a "bully", more likely she was just wound up from recess...he was saying today "she is soooo beautiful....but mean... i just wanna kiss her, but there is no kissing in school"---which made me smile.

so, anyway...the staff knows our names and faces now. perhaps there won't be anymore problems. i have told my son to play closer to the teacher's aids at recess.

he really seems to love school and he isn't really bothered by all this excitment.

i'll let you know if there are any changes. THANKS to everyone for caring and offering such great advice.


----------



## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

I am glad the adults are going to keep an eye on your little one. Hugs for both of you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Finch*
Why do we hit people who hit people to teach them that hitting is wrong?







:







:







:







:









: Owen's aunt (his dad's sister) spanks her almost 2 year old frequently (she's been smacking his hands since around 6 months old and has now gotten up to "spanking" him harder and harder). Every time I see her she complains about how *E* is hitting other kids and she doesn't know why and she can't seem to get him to stop. She actually took him to the dr last week to ask the dr what is wrong with him and how she can get him to stop hitting. I just sat back in amazement when she told me this. Wow. How can someone be so blind? I've suggested over and over again that maybe it was because *she* was hitting *him*. She says that's not why he's hitting and that she needs to spank him to teach him who is boss







: Funny how whenever I watch *E* he never hits. The moment his mom comes back to get him he turns into a little monster. Hmmm.... wonder why.


----------



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

StephandOwen, wow! That's exactly how it is with my best friend and her children.

In fact, everyone I know that is a parent is like that, except for my husband and I...and my parents...










is why i like it on this board.

seems like all the other chat/discussion websites are also like that.

it seems so obvious.

i guess it isn't.


----------



## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

I don't know if the OP is still around in this discussion, but I wanted to suggest talking to the principal about making the school a no hitting zone for parents also. I just started at a local Headstart program and they do this and have signs posted that say that corporal punishment isn't allowed and teachers are willing to give age alternative suggestions for discipline. I have heard that the schools are starting to change how they do discipline so maybe that would be something your school would take into account. It may or may not mean that a child doesn't get spanked but hitting shouldn't be allowed at school.


----------



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

thanks everyone.

and thanks katallen, i will totally do that!

i'll keep you posted.


----------

