# Dh not so sexy anymore.



## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

I have been grieving my uninformed decision to circ my son for a while now. But a new twist has crept into my consciousness - the fact that my dh's circ'd penis is becoming a total turn-off.

It is really unfair that a doctor can just say, "I'll circumcise your son for you" and not even ask if you know what it entails. And now that I know what it entails, well, read above paragraph.

Just looking to see if anyone has heard about this effect before, or has experienced it themselves.









And I hope I'm posting this in the right place.


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

I understand how you feel. Although I was fortunate to become educated enough in time to help my ds, even seeing his intact penis reminds me how much my dh is missing. I have tried talking to him about restoration but unfortunately he's not interested right now.







:

From my experience I think it's important to do your best to process these feelings without letting your dh know to the extent possible. I would be devastated personally to find out that I had become less attractive to my dh because of something my parents had done that I had no control over. I know it has become somewhat of an issue between me and dh that even though I haven't said "I find you physically defective" in so many words, the fact that I'm very outspoken about circumcision and its effects on sexuality has definitely made him think less of himself.







: In hindsight I think I should have been way more tactful about talking about circ around him once it was settled that our kids wouldn't be circed.

I just have to make peace with the fact that although sex between us is perhaps not as good as it could have been, it's still awfully darned good and I need to love and accept my dh for who he is, just as I would if he was in a car accident tomorrow and lost a limb.


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

My husband is intact so fortunately I don't have to deal with this. I do that the site of a circumcised penis makes me ill. It looks so chopped up and deformed.







:


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## Mommiska (Jan 3, 2002)

Hi - welcome to MDC and







to you. I married a Brit, so he's intact, fortunately. But I think that Quirky has given you some very good advice. What you are feeling is normal, I think - but just think how much more disturbing learning the truth about circumcision must be for a circumcised man.

Quirky's advice to tread carefully with your dh is very good. Many hugs to you, though - the damage caused by circumcision is much, much wider, the more one knows.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

DS is intact, but yeah, I can relate a bit to your feelings.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

I come to this from a slightly different perspective.

My dad is irish and intact (plus it's not like I ever looked closely so I never saw the glans.) The only little boy who I played "doctor" with was british. My parents took me to museums where I saw greek, roman and european sculpture. I even did drawings from those sculptures later.

So intact was the norm for me I didn't see a circ'd one till I was a teen.

Basically yes they look wierd, but I got past it.

Give it some time and you probably can get to the point where like me you just don't really think about it.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My husband is circumcised, but before that I dated a number of men who were not circumcised, and a number who were circumcised. Before my husband, I dated an intact man for 2 years. I know it's said here that there is a big difference between sex with someone who is and someone who isn't, but I honestly never noticed a difference sexually. I'd say size counts more than circumcision status, and size isn't a huge factor either, so long as someone isn't of an unusual size. I'm a fan of penises in general.

I will add that I would never circumcise a child because of potential complications, because babies go through enough pain without adding unnecessary pain (it makes me wince to think about the procedure and how sore it must be for a long time after), and because it's wrong to alter someone's body who isn't able to consent to it. If it changes someone sexually, it's not something that was shocking enough to be noticeable to me.

Anyway, sex is fun regardless.


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

I have to agree with Quirky I have felt the same way and have said alot about circ in front of DH ...Now I know that I have to be more gentle when talking about it around him. basically cause it makes us both squirm... DH wants to try restoring







but it hasn't happened yet so I am not so sure how much he really wants to since I don't push it...


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## CaraNicole (Feb 28, 2007)

_







i know how you feel my dh is becoming a turn off too...mainly b/c i think of how a circ is done EVERYTIME i see his penis...can we say moodkiller? i'm happy ds is intact but it does make me realise what dh is missing..._


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## MidgeMommy (Mar 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
My husband is circumcised, but before that I dated a number of men who were not circumcised, and a number who were circumcised. Before my husband, I dated an intact man for 2 years. I know it's said here that there is a big difference between sex with someone who is and someone who isn't, but I honestly never noticed a difference sexually. I'd say size counts more than circumcision status, and size isn't a huge factor either, so long as someone isn't of an unusual size. I'm a fan of penises in general.

I will add that I would never circumcise a child because of potential complications, because babies go through enough pain without adding unnecessary pain (it makes me wince to think about the procedure and how sore it must be for a long time after), and because it's wrong to alter someone's body who isn't able to consent to it. If it changes someone sexually, it's not something that was shocking enough to be noticeable to me.

*Anyway, sex is fun regardless*.









:

Circ'd status makes no difference (to me) in sexual stimulation or performance. And, I know I may get flamed for this, but I do prefer the 'look' of circ'ed penises. However, that might very well be conditioning, because of bad experiences with uncirc'ed ex's, and the fact that my DH is circ'ed.

I also agree with the first response, it would hurt your DH an awful lot if he felt less attractive because of something he didn't have control over. It would be like my DH pushing me to get a nose/breast job; like what I had wasn't up to his standards.

Good luck getting the 'sexy' back!


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

I didn't realize that people think about circumcision enough to think about it every time they see a penis.









I have been with an uncirc'ed man and I personally didn't notice a difference in sexual stimulation. I prefer the look of a circ'ed penis by far because that's what I've been "exposed" to the most I suppose. If my husband were uncirc'ed I'm sure I'd get used to it.

Is there something else that your DH is doing that is making you have bad feelings towards him? Spending so much time focusing on what we don't like about our DP's is generally not a good idea.









I hope you start feeling better soon.


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## vaughnmama (May 18, 2007)

My hubby's circumcised penis was less attractive to me for quite a time after I became educated...added to the stress was the resentment that I felt towards him for talking me into circumcising our 2nd son. This nearly destroyed our marriage.

With our first we were both completely ignorant. I never even saw my first baby's penis intact. But with the 2nd, I had a week to change his diapers and feel sad about it. I tried to talk to my DH but I had no research and caved to his emotional plea that my DS would have damaged self image if he looked different.

My baby's penis is now buried, a sad and horrible irony when you think about my DH's argument. On the occasions when it is exposed, it looks about half the size that it used to. This is heartbreaking how we altered him...both of them.

I look at my husband's own penis and wonder if it would not be so short if he were intact. (I am not as shallow as this sounds, I don't care what size my DH's penis is, I just wonder what if?)

Sometimes I wish I would have had sex with at least one intact man before getting married. Which is really weird for me, because I used to be so proud of only having had a couple partners before getting married.

One thing that has helped my issues with my husband, is that he feels such remorse...and he has begun the process of manual restoration.

I have made it clear to him that he is a very good and considerate lover and I love him dearly. It does no good to make him feel like less of a man because of what others did to him without his consent.


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## guestmama9908 (Jan 23, 2007)

It is a bit of a turn off. It makes me sad when I see it because I know the pain that came along with that scar.







:

DP knows my thoughts about circumcision. He feels those same thoughts.

He has started restoring.

I'm sorry OP. I know how you feel.


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## titania8 (Feb 15, 2007)

yea, i sometimes feel the same way. i wish my dh would consider restoration, but i know that will never happen.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I'm a fan of penises in general.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

I can relate in a way.

I do wish that ds weren't have hurt that way as a baby. I do also feel sad that he has some minor issues that affect us both because he is circumcised.

He is not interested in restoring though.

He is more than considerate, generous, and loving so I'm happy.
I try not to dwell on the negative and look too closely at the scar or wonder what if.

Perhaps you just need a whole bunch of foreplay to get your mind off of anything but the moment

I, too, agree that focusing on the negative is not condusive to a healthy marriage.


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## TheLuckiestEllie (Aug 9, 2006)

No advice, just


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CaraNicole* 
_







i know how you feel my dh is becoming a turn off too...mainly b/c i think of how a circ is done EVERYTIME i see his penis...can we say moodkiller? i'm happy ds is intact but it does make me realise what dh is missing..._









: (only instead of a smile it should have a







on it). Every single time I see dh now my thoughts turn to circ. I am having a very hard time getting past not only what was done to him but what continues to be done to boys all the time.


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## Mountaingirl3 (May 21, 2005)

oops, double post


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## Mountaingirl3 (May 21, 2005)

I do go through phases when I really wish dh were intact. But, he also wishes he were intact, so instead of getting turned off, I wind up feeling great compassion for him and wanting to take care of him, and having (for lack of a better term) "pity sex".

Thankfully, as more time passes since I first realized how aweful circ is, dh's circ. haunts me less.


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## Daisie125 (Oct 26, 2005)

I feel the same way







I feel terrible about it but DH's penis looks downright bizarre to me now. He agreed to restore and did a lot of research about it and even got a tugger (all with me talking about it VERY little) but has only worn it once. I don't want to ask him about it and make him feel like he HAS to do it or anything.


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## trmpetplaya (May 30, 2005)

I've only ever seen pictures of adult circumcised penises (my ex-boyfriend and dh happen to both be intact







) and I think circumcised penises look really weird too... Not as disturbing as little boys' circumcised penises (little boys shouldn't be forced to go around looking aroused all the time - that disgusts me beyond words), but still... dry and scarred and sad







:

I think Quirky has great advice and I hope that as time passes, this will get easier for you









love and peace.


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## Revamp (May 12, 2006)

I feel much the same.

After watching a few snatches of a circumcision video (not all that much incase I ruined the keyboard with vomit) and hearing almost the entire thing (I couldn't get to the speakers in time and the screams still haunt me, from time to time) I find it immensely difficult to cope with a circumcised penis.

I like to consider myself something of an ethical consumer (free range eggs et al) and somehow this seems to have extended itself to this. Genitals that have endured torture and trauma and still clearly bear the marks of it and are missing some of their most sensitive areas unsettle me rather than arouse.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

i can relate to this as well.

dh is circed, and although he is very considerate and loving, sex with him does miss a certain nuance that i have experienced with an intact man.

i wish dh would consider restoring. his argument against it is that he is already so sensitive, he couldn't imagine being even more sensitive.









i don't think he's ever stopped to think about how truly sad that statement is, but he is more content in his not acknowledging what he is missing, or perhaps it's just to painful to think about it so it's easier to be in denial about it.


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## Mommiska (Jan 3, 2002)

I was just coming back to this with a thought that might help (a bit).

When an intact man is erect, the foreskin retracts, and if you don't look too closely, it looks the same as a circumcised penis (I know - no scar, no keritanised glans, etc - but still...exposed glans).

Perhaps if you can just focus on that, it would help - that all men, intact or circumcised, have an exposed glans when they are aroused? (this is one of the many reasons why a circumcised penis on a little baby gives me the heeby-jeebies - we are NOT supposed to see the glans of a little baby







).








to you all.


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## DocsNemesis (Dec 10, 2005)

I'm sorta odd I think....my son was left intact because, well, I was not about to pay for something not covered by my insurance that isnt needed (like ok, braces for my horribly embarassed child is one thing, circing is something completely different). Then I met my dh when my first born was 18 months old. My ds's penis never seemed odd to me but at the same time, circ'd penises never seemed odd either. So there was no issue.
It wasnt until my DH started talking about it and looking into stuff that I started researching and found out more. He started restoring on his own (he quit for 2+ years and is just now starting again, YAY!) and I got into reading about intact penises in the adult sense-about sex, apperance, mechanics, etc. Well, after that it really has become a turn off, I wish my dh had that foreskin, esp since our sex life isnt great. BUT, he is still my hubby, I still love him and it isnt the end of the world. And of course, I have never told him that its a turn off, but he and I both wish he was intact and we have talked about how intact penises just look so much more....right. Normal. In his case, he feels the same way, so I have been able to talk about this sort of stuff with him. But...its his mind I love, not his body







Otherwise, it never would have worked out anyway







.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

I can relate to so many of the things I have read in this thread. I think, having learned about circ the way I have the last five years I definitely do not think about my DH's penis the same way. I do feel very sad when I look at it. He probably has some of the worst scarring on the shaft I've ever seen. And, he had a very overzealous circumciser who took way too much skin. I won't get into a discussion in detail, but it makes me really sad when I see it. Sad on multiple levels. And, it's been 5 years or so since I learned about circ. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at it and not think of his circ.

My best suggestion is to try to concentrate on the love that you share for him...focus in on that. Look into his eyes (think of the love), and do what you can to make him feel good. I try to focus on that. I keep the thoughts of his circ, and what that did to him out of my mind. It's not good for sex honestly to be thinking at all. Concentrate on feeling, not thinking. I also do skin stretching exercises on him







: , as part of restoring some skin. In a way it feels like I'm taking some action to correct some of what was done, which is emotionally helpful.


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## jessjgh1 (Nov 4, 2004)

I can certainly relate too.
I just wish I could talk to dh about his feelings... I'd love to suggest restoration, but would not be comfotable doing that at this time.

...maybe someday...

Jessica


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

I understand how people may react to a circ'd penis as unnatural and mutilated, etc. But a circumcised man has been punished once, it seems doubly unkind to reject the man because of his lack of foreskin that was not his choice or fault.

It might be helpful to stop thinking about the penis and pay more attention to romance, and other physical attractions, great smile, sexy eyes, etc. etc. And to work at having fun in the bedroom without placing great emphasis on the genitals.

I read a story of a woman from Africa whose genitals were mutilated and she found a loving partner who helped her enjoy lovemaking and feel OK about sex. I think that it's important to show compassion and offer support for a man in our lives who has been traumatized by circ.

Lastly, I think if circ should be decided by an adult individual, than so should restoration. If a man is uncomfortable pursuing restoration, well, it's still his penis.

Good sex is much more about what's going on in the brain, anyway.

I will add that I totally understand the curiosity about how an intact penis would feel and the feeling like I'm missing out because DH is circ'd, but that's viewing the glass half empty. I could wonder every time we have sex how it might be better with a foreskin. Sometimes I do wonder and it hurts the sex life and I feel disappointed. I find it's better to try to count my blessings and make the most of the reality -- I have a husband I'm attracted to, and I love sex and he's a good kisser.


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## savienu (May 26, 2007)

I'm glad someone else brought this up. My son is intact (thank God I actually did research on it!) and while intact penises always looked weird to me, the more I get used to my son being intact, and the more I read about circumcision, the more an intact penis just looks...damaged and sad, and it does affect our sex life, although I'd never say that to him. He's done some restoring, but manual restoration is painful for him since he tapes it up, so he wants to get the instrument that we just can't afford right now, so it's kinda stopped for now.
It all just makes me very sad.


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## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

I thought for sure I was losing it. It is a great comfort to me to know that my feelings are not freakish, just a result of being educated. I think you are all correct - the truth about circumcision is just too new to me and the pain I feel for circ'ing my son is being passed on to my husband. Not fair at all.

I have been trying to get him to look at the research, etc., in the hopes that we won't battle over any 2nd son that might come along. I'd also like to think he would consider restoring. His circ seems like it might've been a sorta loose one, so maybe it would work.

But that it pie in the sky right now! Baby steps!










Thanks again for all your support. I really appreciate all of your honesty and candor on the subject!

And yes, go foreplay!!!


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

I honestly think that the choice to *not* circ should be 100% the mother's. If you don't want to circ, then you shouldn't, and you don't necessarily need to have his support. Some men (like my DH) are very uncomfortable and resentful having to talk about circ. I think at least for me, it would have been smoother for me not to talk about it with DH and just not approve the circ.

Unfortunately my husband's preference to have the boys circ'd swayed me. I would have been better off not to listen to him.

I won't blame DH entirely though, I also had a book that I trusted that basically said it's not medically necessary, but it's also OK to do whatever matches daddy. I'm thinking of writing to the authors asking for them to change their circ recs for future editions.

So my recommendation to you is to *not* battle over #2, just you don't do it. You're the one who will be asked in the hospital. If your DH wants it, he can come to you with the request and then you can talk about it when he initiates the conversation and show him the research then.


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## JustKiya (Feb 5, 2007)

I don't even have any sons, and I'm dealing with this now. DH is scarred - and sadly enough, I thought it was NORMAL for the section of the penis right below the glans to be rough and a different color - so when I see it - I'm sad. It's not any less sexy - it's just - sad, that he's missing so much, and he doesn't even REALIZE what he's missing.
It's rather like if he was missing an arm - I wouldn't find him any less sexy - he's my husband, and is a sexy man - but I would feel sadness for what he was missing.


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## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBecks* 
So my recommendation to you is to *not* battle over #2, just you don't do it. You're the one who will be asked in the hospital. If your DH wants it, he can come to you with the request and then you can talk about it when he initiates the conversation and show him the research then.

I agree with this to the extent that if dh would try to "insist" on it, I would protect my son and refuse to circ again.

With ds, dh was in the room when my ob/gyn asked and he said yes. We had talked about it, but he essentially was asked and gave the answer. I think now I would specify as soon as I knew I was having a son, NO CIRC!!!!!!! Not even over my _dead_ body!


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## edamommy (Apr 6, 2004)

funny, I was having this internal thought this weekend! I wouldn't say dh's circ'd penis is a "turn off", but i have to admit that I feel a "loss", if you will, for not having the complete penis... He claims he doesn't miss what he never knew he had... but still... I think it's odd to have our intact ds and not-intact dh...


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## 3kidsclmr (Apr 7, 2007)

I was having the same thoughts as the OP a little while back. Funny, before I learned what circumcision really was, I didn't even think of the dark-colored ring around the shaft as a scar- I assumed it was just normal







: I've found myself wishing lately that I had had some experience- any experience- with an intact male, so I wouldn't have thought that a circumcised penis was so normal. In a way, I wish I could get back to that state of ignorance so those thoughts about what happened to my DH and how things could have been wouldn't come up. But since that's not going to happen, I'm going to go back and re-read all of these great posts and try to focus on what we DO have together.


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## KMK_Mama (Jan 29, 2006)

I went through the same thing when I learned the horror's of circumcision. Before my research, I never knew that the "ring" around his penis was actually a scar.







: It was the only penis I had ever seen IRL. Unfortunately, DH went through something similar when he was given the facts as well. He wishes he was not circumcised too. I will never know what "intact sex" feels like, but I hope to experience something similar when DH restores. What made me feel better recently was my Mom telling me that her new BF is intact and she hasn't noticed anything different in regards to sex. Either way, it still saddens me that DH's foreskin was taken away without his consent and he is the one to pay the price.







:


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## essnce629 (Oct 26, 2005)

I feel the same way about my circ'd boyfriend now that I know more about circumcision and how much it takes away. Our son is intact so at least I know he will get to experience what his father is missing. After reading all the posts about how different sex is with an intact man I really wished my boyfriend was intact. I've never been with an intact man and boy does it sound sooo much better and more pleasurable. I've brought up restoration to my boyfriend and he's all for it! I know he wishes he had a foreskin. His birthday is next month and I'm buying him a restoration device. I can't wait to see/feel results!


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## Frithweaver (Jun 12, 2007)

This is very sad.

Honestly, can you even imagine the reverse of this conversation???

My sons are intact. DH is Circ'd and very sexy. I think his penis as sexy as I did twelve years ago. Yes, I feel sad that his parents allowed that, but I'm not repulsed by him.

I would never push him to restore, anymore than he would push me to seek laser treatments for my stretch marks.

As far as sensation, he is very happy with sex, and has no desire to bother with restoration. It is HIS choice after all.


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## Daisyuk (May 15, 2005)

Yes I can.

No I wouldn't be offended. If there was something about me that had been altered, that I could reverse, that was causing my partner actual pain, or spoiling my enjoyment, during sex, I would do everything in my power to change it.

As for the aesthetics of the matter, scars are not pretty, no matter where they are, why pretend otherwise? My partner's penis doesn't turn me off, I love him, ALL of him, scars and all, but it does make me very very angry that his mother was allowed to do that to him, it isn't her that has had to deal with the consequences, she hasn't seen his penis since he was about 5 years old! The huge scar and swelling at the meatus are very obvious. He is disfigured and has been altered sexually to his detriment, there is no getting away from it; hiding feelings about what has been done and keeping silent is the reason this abomination continues.

This is a support board where people can vent their feelings and receive understanding and support from people who are in a similar position, their feelings are totally valid, and yes, it's very sad.

The sooner the medics wake up and realise that their actions are causing such distress, the better.


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## Frithweaver (Jun 12, 2007)

I had just turned off the computer, but I was still so bothered by this.

I love my husband unendingly, Because I love him, he is SEXY and BEAUTIFUL. I don't care if he goes bald, *impotent*, or loses his limbs or faculties. He will always be sexy to me, EVERY INCH OF HIM. I love him = I love his penis.

He feels the same about me, stretch marks, big brown nursing nipples, and not as many kegels as I should. He thinks I'm the sexiest goddess on earth.

That's love. Your husband(s) do not need to do anything about their penises, unless they so choose. You need to do something about yourself.

What do you think of yourself nude in front of a full length mirror? Whether or not you are confident or dissapointed, it should make you think twice about this thread.

Hopefully your husband loves you enough, bearer of his children, to NOT think these thoughts of your post-baby body, nor share them with others over the web.


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## Daisyuk (May 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Frithweaver* 
_I had just turned off the computer, but I was still so bothered by this.

I love my husband unendingly, Because I love him, he is SEXY and BEAUTIFUL. I don't care if he goes bald, *impotent*, or loses his limbs or faculties. He will always be sexy to me, EVERY INCH OF HIM. I love him = I love his penis.

He feels the same about me, stretch marks, big brown nursing nipples, and not as many kegels as I should. He thinks I'm the sexiest goddess on earth.

That's love. Your husband(s) do not need to do anything about their penises, unless they so choose. You need to do something about yourself.

What do you think of yourself nude in front of a full length mirror? Whether or not you are confident or dissapointed, it should make you think twice about this thread.

Hopefully your husband loves you enough, bearer of his children, to NOT think these thoughts of your post-baby body, nor share them with others over the web._

Or at least that's what he SAYS to you. Do you _really_ think these ladies have any intention of telling their husbands how they feel? Do you _really_ think they don't love their husbands and want to hurt them? Of course not, they're venting here because it's the only place they _can_, where it's relatively anonymous and there are others who understand.

It's perfectly possible that your husband thinks exactly the same about you, but because he loves you wouldn't dream of saying anything to you, and in his head he's making love to the pre-baby woman you originally were. Like my father did about my mother - and told his diaries everything. Fortunately, after he died I got to most of them before she did, and I destroyed them before she could read them, she was very hurt by the couple she did get her hands on.

Plus, exactly _what_ is it about your post baby body that causes your husband actual pain? You mean to say that you don't love him enough that you would do something to change your body to stop causing him pain during sex, you would expect him to put up with it and pretend to be enjoying it?

Stop being so judgemental, other people's feelings are perfectly valid, be thankful you don't share the same sense of loss.


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## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

Frithweaver, the people that have responded to my OP are responding out of understanding and support, so I am super-glad you were not the first to respond.

Because of everyone's honesty and candor, I can see where I misspoke myself in my OP - it is not my husband's penis that is turning me off, it is the thought of circumcision that keeps creeping into my brain. What that means is not that I find my husband unsexy, but that I need to come to terms with what I have learned. Yes, it's that old, "It's not you, it's me" line but nevertheless, it is true.

I will get over this and I still find my husband to be terribly sexy. In fact, some things that posters have said have already helped my reajust my brain and focus on how wonderful the romance is with my husband. So many thanks to them, like Quirky, KBecks, phatchristy, and all the others who have given such thoughtful insights. I really appreciate you.

If you think you are saddened by my post or this thread, try thinking about that in the reverse to discover how saddened I am by your short-mindedness. Perhaps you responded too quickly or too emotionally. Be assured that I thought a lot about what I was going to write before I wrote it.

As for what my husband thinks of my post-baby body and whether he discusses it with someone else and not me - that is for him. This is for me. And I think he would appreciate the fact that this helps me however hurt he might feel by my OP. That is all just conjecture - my husband and I love each other more than enough, thank you very much.


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## AstridS (Mar 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Frithweaver* 
_I had just turned off the computer, but I was still so bothered by this.

I love my husband unendingly, Because I love him, he is SEXY and BEAUTIFUL. I don't care if he goes bald, *impotent*, or loses his limbs or faculties. He will always be sexy to me, EVERY INCH OF HIM. I love him = I love his penis.

]
_
_
_
_

How can you even think t´hat a circ'd penis is sexy? If my DH was circ'd I would think of the mutilation he had to endure when he was just a defenseless newborn. How could you possibly find the result of childmutilation sexy?
I will love my husband no matter what happens to his body or what has happened to his body in the past, but a circ'd penis would NOT be sexy to me. It would make me feel a great deal of compassion, but I would never be turned on by the way it looked. Just like I would never be turned on by the stump of an amputated arm. I would love my husband and find HIM sexy even if he was circ'd or if he missed any other bodyparts, but I would not find his arm-stump sexy and certainly not his circ'd penis. Ampuated bodyparts and scars are not sexy IMO._


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## witchbaby (Apr 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AstridS* 
How can you even think t´hat a circ'd penis is sexy? If my DH was circ'd I would think of the mutilation he had to endure when he was just a defenseless newborn. How could you possibly find the result of childmutilation sexy?
I will love my husband no matter what happens to his body or what has happened to his body in the past, but a circ'd penis would NOT be sexy to me. It would make me feel a great deal of compassion, but I would never be turned on by the way it looked. Just like I would never be turned on by the stump of an amputated arm. I would love my husband and find HIM sexy even if he was circ'd or if he missed any other bodyparts, but I would not find his arm-stump sexy and certainly not his circ'd penis. Ampuated bodyparts and scars are not sexy IMO.

because it's a part of him. i think my husband is sexy, i think his penis is sexy. yup, he's circumcised. he also had surgery on his elbow and has a scar that runs three inches down his arm. i think his arm is sexy. i think every bit of him is sexy.
i don't think it's fair that he was circumcised and neither does he. he is currently restoring and i applaud him. but he knows i love him and his scars just as much as i would love him if he didn't have him.
i can't believe anyone can make this argument. i know there would be an outcry if someone posted her husband didn't find her bits sexy because of an unnecessary episiotomy.


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## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by *AstridS*
How can you even think t´hat a circ'd penis is sexy? If my DH was circ'd I would think of the mutilation he had to endure when he was just a defenseless newborn. How could you possibly find the result of childmutilation sexy?
I will love my husband no matter what happens to his body or what has happened to his body in the past, but a circ'd penis would NOT be sexy to me. It would make me feel a great deal of compassion, but I would never be turned on by the way it looked. Just like I would never be turned on by the stump of an amputated arm. I would love my husband and find HIM sexy even if he was circ'd or if he missed any other bodyparts, but I would not find his arm-stump sexy and certainly not his circ'd penis. Ampuated bodyparts and scars are not sexy IMO.

Originally posted by *witchbaby*
because it's a part of him. i think my husband is sexy, i think his penis is sexy. yup, he's circumcised. he also had surgery on his elbow and has a scar that runs three inches down his arm. i think his arm is sexy. i think every bit of him is sexy.
i don't think it's fair that he was circumcised and neither does he. he is currently restoring and i applaud him. but he knows i love him and his scars just as much as i would love him if he didn't have him.
i can't believe anyone can make this argument. i know there would be an outcry if someone posted her husband didn't find her bits sexy because of an unnecessary episiotomy.
I think we should try to keep comparisons reasonable. I don't like either argument. I do appreciate the following comment:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBecks* 
I read a story of a woman from Africa whose genitals were mutilated and she found a loving partner who helped her enjoy lovemaking and feel OK about sex. I think that it's important to show compassion and offer support for a man in our lives who has been traumatized by circ.

I'm sure my dh doesn't feel traumatized by his circ, but I am currently traumatized by circ in general and I'm not circ'd. I think that's the issue that is really here. Love the penis, hate the circ!

I do have an episiotomy scar that dh doesn't seem to notice - or maybe he does and he really is on a website somewhere posting about it. But I don't think so - after all, my episiotomy didn't take any part of my body away or cause me terrific trauma or any loss of sexual sensation. It was done without my knowing it, but that's a different thread!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

How could I find a circumcised penis sexy? Because that's what is involved when I have sex. Because that's what is my husband has.

Circumcision is wrong, but I don't like the suggestion that if a man is circumcised his wife is missing out. I met my husband on the rebound of a 2-year + relationship with an intact man. Sex with my husband is better than sex with that man. And I'm talking physically better - it isn't just because our relationship is more loving. It never occurred to me that it was because my husband was circumcised, but why do I think that if I had broken up with a circ'd man and married an intact man people here would assume my husband was a better lover for that reason. I don't understand why people would assume that if sex is different between two people, that it would be due to the presence or lack of a foreskin. Many things go into how good a lover a man is - physical things like size and circumcision status might make a difference, but also emotional things, personality traits, whether a man treats sex as an experience that should be mutually satisfying or a way for him to get off, etc. Perhaps the same man would be better in bed if he were intact rather than circ'd, but to extrapolate that to the point where you're suggesting that a woman who hasn't had sex with an intact man is missing out is misleading. The same man would be a better lover with a 6-1/2 inch penis than a 6-inch penis too. That doesn't mean every man with a larger penis is better in bed than every man with a smaller penis, or that a woman with a husband with a 6-inch penis should be worried that things might be better with a man with a 6-1/2 inch penis.


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## bluetoes (May 12, 2007)

Mamazee you make some EXCELLENT points. There is a lot more to sex than a penis. I would recommend to the OP to take some time with her husband to reconnect and bond again.

I know it's easy for us to get caught up in how abusive and horrible circumsicion is, but we have to remember not to insult those close to us who had no choice in the matter.


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## witchbaby (Apr 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mean_jeannie* 
I think we should try to keep comparisons reasonable. I don't like either argument. I do appreciate the following comment:

I'm sure my dh doesn't feel traumatized by his circ, but I am currently traumatized by circ in general and I'm not circ'd. I think that's the issue that is really here. Love the penis, hate the circ!

I do have an episiotomy scar that dh doesn't seem to notice - or maybe he does and he really is on a website somewhere posting about it. But I don't think so - after all, my episiotomy didn't take any part of my body away or cause me terrific trauma or any loss of sexual sensation. It was done without my knowing it, but that's a different thread!

some women do have episiotomy scars that have caused them great trauma and have led to great pain during intercourse. i have several friends who couldn't have sex for over a year in some cases because of the physical and emotional trauma. i can't imagine, knowing on top of that, that your partner can't find your genitalia attractive anymore because of something done to you without your consent ('cause that still happens). i think the argument is entirely valid.


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## gridley13 (Sep 3, 2004)

OP, I think your feelings are very valid. Feelings are always valid. What matters is what you do with them. If talking about this helps, then talk on. I know for myself, talking things out is the best way for me to process things. I do agree with what Quirky said back in the beginning... to be very sensitive to your dh. In fact, even though your feelings are about him, I don't know if it is necessary that you discuss it WITH him, kwim?

Best of luck with this and hopefully going through this will help you become an even better intactivist!


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gridley13* 
OP, I think your feelings are very valid. Feelings are always valid. What matters is what you do with them. If talking about this helps, then talk on. I know for myself, talking things out is the best way for me to process things. I do agree with what Quirky said back in the beginning... to be very sensitive to your dh. In fact, even though your feelings are about him, I don't know if it is necessary that you discuss it WITH him, kwim?










:

I understand how the OP feels.


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## alissakae (Jun 14, 2002)

I think the important thing is to remember that being circ'd was NOT your dh's choice. He was a victim. Although his penis has been mutilated, it is part of him and something he feels sensitive about. Love ALL of him for WHO he is.


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## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *witchbaby* 
some women do have episiotomy scars that have caused them great trauma and have led to great pain during intercourse. i have several friends who couldn't have sex for over a year in some cases because of the physical and emotional trauma. i can't imagine, knowing on top of that, that your partner can't find your genitalia attractive anymore because of something done to you without your consent ('cause that still happens). i think the argument is entirely valid.

Okay, I can understand that. Thank you for clarifying.


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## mean_jeannie (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gridley13* 
OP, I think your feelings are very valid. Feelings are always valid. What matters is what you do with them. If talking about this helps, then talk on. I know for myself, talking things out is the best way for me to process things. I do agree with what Quirky said back in the beginning... to be very sensitive to your dh. In fact, even though your feelings are about him, I don't know if it is necessary that you discuss it WITH him, kwim?

I never changed my feelings about dh after I got into intactivism, but my dh has told me that he worries about me not liking his penis anymore. I think he really does feel hurt even though I never even changed how I felt! So think carefully about how to deal with your feelings without hurting his.

Best of luck with this and hopefully going through this will help you become an even better intactivist!

Thankyou!

Quote:

I think the important thing is to remember that being circ'd was NOT your dh's choice. He was a victim. Although his penis has been mutilated, it is part of him and something he feels sensitive about. Love ALL of him for WHO he is.
Yes!


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## anamama (Sep 9, 2003)

I think it's interesting that pp have compared being saddened and therefore turned off by a circ'ed penis to a dh being turned off by a mama body. WTH? Circumcision is an unnatural procedure done on tiny babies who can't give or deny consent.
Pregnancy and childbirth are natural parts of human existence, and what's more your dh participated and witnessed all of these changes and miracles. Whether he likes the dark nipples, the stretch marks, the increased or decreased libido during or after pregnancy, etc., is really secondary to the fact that the two of you created a baby, you gave birth to the baby, and breastfed the baby.
A person's reaction to the altered look of a penis that has been circ'ed is more about trauma, not the creation of a new life.


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## Yulia_R (Jan 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AstridS* 
How can you even think t´hat a circ'd penis is sexy? If my DH was circ'd I would think of the mutilation he had to endure when he was just a defenseless newborn. How could you possibly find the result of childmutilation sexy?
I will love my husband no matter what happens to his body or what has happened to his body in the past, but a circ'd penis would NOT be sexy to me. It would make me feel a great deal of compassion, but I would never be turned on by the way it looked. Just like I would never be turned on by the stump of an amputated arm. I would love my husband and find HIM sexy even if he was circ'd or if he missed any other bodyparts, but I would not find his arm-stump sexy and certainly not his circ'd penis. Ampuated bodyparts and scars are not sexy IMO.

Couldn't say better myself with the only difference that my dh is circ'd







...


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anamama* 
I think it's interesting that pp have compared being saddened and therefore turned off by a circ'ed penis to a dh being turned off by a mama body. WTH? Circumcision is an unnatural procedure done on tiny babies who can't give or deny consent.
Pregnancy and childbirth are natural parts of human existence, and what's more your dh participated and witnessed all of these changes and miracles. Whether he likes the dark nipples, the stretch marks, the increased or decreased libido during or after pregnancy, etc., is really secondary to the fact that the two of you created a baby, you gave birth to the baby, and breastfed the baby.
A person's reaction to the altered look of a penis that has been circ'ed is more about trauma, not the creation of a new life.

I totally agree!!!

My bit of wrinkly skin on my stomach, larger breasts and wider hips...if anything THAT makes me more womanly. I will be the first to admit, my body doesn't resemble that of a teenager anymore. Is that a BAD thing...that is healthy, normal and a part of childbearing.

Completely different than being strapped down as an innocent child, having the most sensitive tissues of your body being cut off without pain medication. Bearing the permanent scars of being mutilated and damaged without your consent.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *witchbaby* 
because it's a part of him. i think my husband is sexy, i think his penis is sexy. yup, he's circumcised. he also had surgery on his elbow and has a scar that runs three inches down his arm. i think his arm is sexy. i think every bit of him is sexy.
i don't think it's fair that he was circumcised and neither does he. he is currently restoring and i applaud him. but he knows i love him and his scars just as much as i would love him if he didn't have him.
i can't believe anyone can make this argument. i know there would be an outcry if someone posted her husband didn't find her bits sexy because of an unnecessary episiotomy.

I don't disagree, but I think there's a HUGE difference between saying "My husband's penis is sexy because it's a part of him" and "my husband's penis is sexy because it's circumcised."


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## Frithweaver (Jun 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Daisyuk* 
Or at least that's what he SAYS to you. Do you _really_ think these ladies have any intention of telling their husbands how they feel? Do you _really_ think they don't love their husbands and want to hurt them? Of course not, they're venting here because it's the only place they _can_, where it's relatively anonymous and there are others who understand.

It's perfectly possible that your husband thinks exactly the same about you, but because he loves you wouldn't dream of saying anything to you, and in his head he's making love to the pre-baby woman you originally were. Like my father did about my mother - and told his diaries everything. Fortunately, after he died I got to most of them before she did, and I destroyed them before she could read them, she was very hurt by the couple she did get her hands on.

Plus, exactly _what_ is it about your post baby body that causes your husband actual pain? You mean to say that you don't love him enough that you would do something to change your body to stop causing him pain during sex, you would expect him to put up with it and pretend to be enjoying it?

Stop being so judgemental, other people's feelings are perfectly valid, be thankful you don't share the same sense of loss.









:

My husband is NOT your father. And I know exactly how he feels. We are honest. We know each other, we are soul mates, and have actually been together 24/7 for twelve years do to a splendid working arrangement and enjoyment and strength of each other's company. We do not keep secrets, journals, or anything of the like. And it isn't too hard to fathom really, things like circumcision and stretchmarks do not cloud our thoughts while making love, lights on eyes open.

Now, of course they aren't going to say it to them. I know that. I'm upset that they _think_ it.

I have no shame of my stance on this topic.

I'm plenty supportive of those here that are sad for their husbands.
Sad for the loss, the violation, later impotence, painful stretching.
Oh yes, it is very sad, and I suppoort that. And if a man wants to restore to try and aleviate these things, and reclaim some part of what never should have been taken from him. I absolutely support that.

But this I do not.

And frankly when I see my husbands penis, the act of circumcision is furthest from my mind.


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## Frithweaver (Jun 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mean_jeannie* 
Frithweaver, the people that have responded to my OP are responding out of understanding and support, so I am super-glad you were not the first to respond.

Because of everyone's honesty and candor, I can see where I misspoke myself in my OP - it is not my husband's penis that is turning me off, it is the thought of circumcision that keeps creeping into my brain. What that means is not that I find my husband unsexy, but that I need to come to terms with what I have learned. Yes, it's that old, "It's not you, it's me" line but nevertheless, it is true.

I will get over this and I still find my husband to be terribly sexy. In fact, some things that posters have said have already helped my reajust my brain and focus on how wonderful the romance is with my husband. So many thanks to them, like Quirky, KBecks, phatchristy, and all the others who have given such thoughtful insights. I really appreciate you.

If you think you are saddened by my post or this thread, try thinking about that in the reverse to discover how saddened I am by your short-mindedness. Perhaps you responded too quickly or too emotionally. Be assured that I thought a lot about what I was going to write before I wrote it.

As for what my husband thinks of my post-baby body and whether he discusses it with someone else and not me - that is for him. This is for me. And I think he would appreciate the fact that this helps me however hurt he might feel by my OP. That is all just conjecture - my husband and I love each other more than enough, thank you very much.

I certainly didn't mean to attack you directly. I was just overcome by the general tone of most of the posts in this thread. I do apologize, for upsetting you, but this mindset really seems to upset me. Obviously I need to remove myself from here, because it is making me ugly.


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## Frithweaver (Jun 12, 2007)

Ok, just one more. After making a mayan cocoa, and cleaning up yet another puddle of deer fawn pee (I CANNOT find a rehabilitator for this litle thing! It's absurd! They say that she's "just a deer" they don't have time!







: ) a thought occurred to me.

I believe my earlier post lacked clarity. The reason I drew the parralells I did, is because they cannot be helped.

Yes stretch marks are natural, and circucisiom isn't. Duh







: However we had no say in either.

I take care of my body. Yes, DH would want me anyway, this I KNOW about us. But FOR ME I like knowing that I'm a knock-out for him. My weight I have control over, my brown nipples and stretch marks I don't.

He also, knowing that I'd sleep with him no matter what, also makes effort to maintain beauty for "me". His hair, beard, etc. that he can control. NOT his circumcision.

Things that cannot be controlled, are not to be focussed on for asthetic purposes in our view.

Furthermore as far as asthetics go, restored penises are not more beutiful than circumcised ones. I've seen plenty, they are as unatural as circumsion and it shows. It needs to remain a personal decision for the man. It takes time, effort, and is not comfortable. Your husband will choose it if HE needs to, just like us and the happy husband stitch. I had mine snipped because it hurt badly during sex. I know a woman whose husband is horrified that they did that to her without her consent, but she has no pain from it, and cares not. I did.


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## incorrigible (Jun 3, 2007)

.


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## Fi. (May 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Frithweaver* 
And frankly when I see my husbands penis, the act of circumcision is furthest from my mind.

Well then that's good for you that your husbands penis isn't cut so tight that no matter how much lube you use you're TORN and bleeding almost everytime and sore for 2 days whether you have an orgasm or not.


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