# Is it wrong to tell my 15 y/o dd she can't have a boyfriend



## hopeful130 (Nov 4, 2004)

First of all - she's still very young emotionally. Very sensitive and I just don't think mentally she's prepared although she will tell you totally different.

The rule always was - no boyfriends until you are 16. The thing is - she has one. Although she doesn't see him much because he can't come around, we know she sees him at school. Probably too on the weekends when she is hanging out with "the girls", yeah right.

We can't hold her prisoner in the house so what do we do? Are we being to ridiculous in this day and age to set this rule. Or - should she be obeying our rules and should we be setting some stronger guidelines applying to this rule.

It's more dh than me. I wouldn't support her being sexually active at this age but the idea of her being intimate at this young age makes him quite angry. He's quite adamant that she is too young for any type of romance, sexual or not.

Your honesty in this matter is what I'm looking for. Don't worry about being too soft on me. If you think it, than say it and I appreciate anyone who gives me some insight.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Okay- you asked for honesty. I personally have a real problem with the idea of not being allowed to date until X age. I dated young and it didn't ruin me and I turned out a much better balanced person than I would have been otherwise. Biologically humans are ready to pair up in teenage. Historically they have. It makes very little sense to FORBID something that is genetically programmed, ya know?

My advice is to talk to your daughter, let her know your thoughts and WHY you believe what you believe (and personally I don't have any patience with the whole daddies overprotective of their little girls crap...) and trust her to make good choices.

Growing up I never had any hard-and-fast rules (no dating until X age, set curfew etc) and that meant that I talked to my parents a lot more about what was going on than I would have otherwise.

-Angela


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## Catsinthecradle (Jun 5, 2004)

First of all, I don't believe that you can dictate when a person is "allowed" to have a friend, whether that friend be male of female, platonic or not. What you can do, though, is set standards and stick to them. If there's any way you can prevent your daughter from becoming sexually involved with her boyfriend, it would certainly be to everyone's advantage.

My ds is 15 as well, and just broke up with his girlfriend because she "wanted more" than he could give her. They talked on the phone for hours, saw each other at school, and once in a while on group outings. (Her parents did not allow her to date unless it was a group activity.) My son's school doles out so much homework that once his baseball practice and conditioning activities are done, he has neither time nor energy to do anything social. It's unfortunate, but since the school refuses to change their policies because of my requests, we just have to live with it.

Since our ds got along well with his girlfriend's family, and we were happy with his choice, the break-up was very sad for all of us. I guess that's just part of life, though. Maybe I'm getting off the subject. I feel that you need to make it very clear what is acceptable behavior and what is not, then trust your daughter to make wise choices.


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## Isis1973 (May 26, 2005)

I told my teenage dd that she could not go on unchaperoned dates, but I really don't think it's realistic to think that a teenager will listen to "you are not allowed to have a boy/girlfriend." She has her current love interest over to the house, but not up in her room.

Good luck with this dating thing, it's not easy is it?


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## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

"Forbidden fruit" is all that much more desirable. Like you wrote in your OP, she _does_ have a boyfriend. If they choose to have sex, they _will_ do so, with or without parental approval. My now 18-year old daughter asked me for birth control at age 16. She had been in an on-again, off-again relationship with the same boy since 8th grade. I was very concerned, very worried, and very much against the relationship, much less the sex! I had to really work to be calm and reasonable and to make sure she felt safe talking to me about it.

She is still with that same boy, they've been sexually active for 2 years and she is still healthy, strong, and they are both enrolled in different colleges, 4 hours drive apart.

I think, with teens and pre-teens, they need to feel trusted and to feel they are free to make their own decisions (and mistakes). It's the hardest job we have as parents to let them. I feel your pain ....


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## pumpkin (Apr 8, 2003)

This is very tricky. I had boyfriends in high school and my parents had no idea. They were actually worried I was a lesbian.

Why didn't they know about the boyfriends? Because my dad was mentally ill and that kind of information would have sent him over the deep end. I did what I had to do to protect myself from physical and emotional abuse at home.

Now I was a very good kid. Straight As. Lots of school activities. Part-time job. Basically I was one of those goody-goody over-achievers that everybody hates.

The extent of my dating experience in high school was seeing movies, hanging out at the local diner eating french fries, and a few very innocent brief kisses. But I couldn't even let my dad know about that. So I had to keep it a secret. And since my mom would have felt obligated to tell my dad, I had to keep it a secret from her as well. Now nothing ever happend that I needed to be able to talk to my parents, but what if it had? I wish I could have let them into my life. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I wasn't forbidden to date. I just knew that I couldn't tell them that I was.

And just to prove that I was right about having to keep secrets, I was never able to convince my sister that she had to keep my parents out of certain things in her life. My dad found out my sister was dating someone fairly seriously and my mom finally had no choice but to move out. The irrational wrath directed at my sister was unbelievable.

I'm not saying your home life is anything like mine was. I'm just saying that you have to find a happy medium here. Its so important for kids to be able to share with their parents. The truth is you can't stop your daughter from dating. So why not set reasonable parameters. Things like letting you know where she is going to be, who she is going to be with. Making sure socializing doesn't interfere with academics. Wouldn't it be better if you got to meet your daughter's friends, male or female? Have them around the house. Get a sense of who she is spending her time with when you can't be watching her 24/7.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

My father died when I was 11 so I can't comment about your husband's attitute.

But

My mother was fanatical about not allowing us to date when we were teens. She once caught me TALKING to a boy when I was 15 and told me I was grounded till I was 18. (She really only grounded me for a couple of weeks). Needless to say, we simply learned not to tell her anything. My sister got pregnant at 16 without my mother having any idea she'd ever had a boyfriend.
Forbidding something as normal and natural as teen dating will backfire on you big time, believe me.


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## Plaid Leopard (Sep 26, 2003)

I agree that you should try to be more open and honest with yuor daughter. Invite the boy to your home and get to know him. Let your daughter know that you want to be involved on her life but that you know that you cannot make decisions for her. Discuss sex and relationships and birth control and responsibility and self esteem with her and tell her that you trust her to make "good" decisions. Let her know that she can always come to you if she needs help and advice, and even if she has made "bad" decisions.

My parents tried to forbid me from seeing a boy when I was 15 and that just made me more defiant, and I would sneak around to see him.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Yes, it is wrong to tell a 15 year old girl that she can't have a boyfriend.

You already can see that it isn't working; you said yourself that she has one.

So what are you telling her?

***I don't think you are smart enough to handle yourself or make good choices.
***I don't trust you.
***Sex is bad.

Teenagers have hormones. They fall in "love". They get their heart broken and break a few too. It is life. It is actually a very fun part of life, one I remember very, very fondly. I would not try to "save" my daughters from it.

You asked for our honest opinions....


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Supervision not forbidding.

When you supervise you can help her through the bumps. The hard part is that you are going to have to let your girl get hurt. I know that sucks but this is part of growing up.


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten*
Yes, it is wrong to tell a 15 year old girl that she can't have a boyfriend.

You already can see that it isn't working; you said yourself that she has one.

So what are you telling her?

***I don't think you are smart enough to handle yourself or make good choices.
***I don't trust you.
***Sex is bad.

Teenagers have hormones. They fall in "love". They get their heart broken and break a few too. It is life. It is actually a very fun part of life, one I remember very, very fondly. I would not try to "save" my daughters from it.

You asked for our honest opinions....










I agree completely. My parents forbid me from even TALKING to boys on the phone, and told me I was never to have sex before marriage, ext. They also told me I could not go to my friend's houses because they were "worldly" and I could not go to dances, group dates, ext. They were like this my whole life.

Here's what happened: I ended up with social and sexually identity problems, and I had trouble even looking boys in the eye until tenth grade, when I discovered alcolhol, cigarettes, drugs, rock n roll, and SEX. Because I couldn't share anything that I was feeling with parents without fear of being judged and told I was too immature, I withdrew from them and simply did whatever I pleased and hid it from them. I ended up pregnant at 17 after I dropped out of high school. My parents responded by crying and throwing me out of the house, and hiding my pregnancy from family and friends.

To make a long story short, my parents and I mended our broken relationship shortly before my father died, and I went on to have one more child at 21. But, I believe a lot of my problems could have been avoided had my parents simply been reasonable with me, instead of shutting out normal teenage happenings. My mother was and still is a loving grandmother, but I recieved so much judgment from her, and from some of her friends, some who didn't even want me around their kids! All in all, I believe it is so much better to be open and non-judgmental with your teens. It really works better that way, and I know my life and my emotional health would have been better had I been raised that way.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I think the fact that your dh gets angry at the thought of your daughter having a romance is your dh's problem, but he's making it your daughter's problem.

Not letting teens date doesn't work. I had one friend in high school who "wasn't allowed' to date. She used to cut class and have sex in her boyfriend's van. Her parents had no idea, and didn't like her hanging out with some of the "sluts" she associated with...the ones with boyfriends.

It's crazy to think you can dictate what your daughter's emotional state is, and you can't control who her friends are.

I started dating my ex-husband when he was 15 and I was 16. It ended very badly (he became addicted to cocaine...crack), but we were together for 15 years. I know two happily married women who met their husbands in high school, as well...one was 16, one was 14. What makes 16 the magic age?


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Whether it is right or wrong, it is entirely ineffective and hopeless to even try so why bother.
My daughter is not allowed to go on car dates alone with boys.
But unless I was willing to keep her in the house at all times and sendher to an all girls school there is no way I could prevent her from having a "boyfriend". Not even in 5th grade. Kids who only see each other at school and eat lunch together sometimes call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.
The idea of her being romantically involved might freak you out a bit (and it does me too) but the fact is that only she will decide when she is ready. And there is nothing you can do or not do to change that.
And what you cannot change, the only thing to do is to accept.
Good luck
Joline


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## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

Even though I am against telling a 15 year old that she can't have a boyfriend, I wanted to add that I don't think growing up in an evironment in which a dating age is set will automatically create a teen rebel. I grew up in a very strict Mormon household and I was not allowed to date before I turned 16. On my 16th birthday, a boy who I had a crush on came over and asked me out that very day. I knew I would never have premarital sex, as that was my decision (though now I realize I was coerced by my religion to feel that way). I never rebelled as a teen, I waited until I was 30, lol! But I was a virgin on my wedding day. So, in my case, the forbidden fruit stayed forbidden and I was fine with that.


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## BathrobeGoddess (Nov 19, 2001)

I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 either. It was so pointless. I just did what I wanted anyway and just didn't tell my parents However, I was sexually active long before that, too (and I don't regret it one bit!) How many other 15 yr olds are you around besides your daughter that leads you to believe she is so immature? How else is your daughter going to learn about how to navigate through a romantic relationship without some exsperience? Would you rather she hides any problems from you or is open with you?

To tell you the truth, I think this was the biggest mistake my parents made with me and even though I really was a good kid, I have never really told them my choices or asked for advise since I was a young teen until after I have done something. For me, my parents gave me lotsof freedom and trusted me as a child but as soon as I hit Jr High, they took that all away. I'm not saying this is what happened here, just what I felt.


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

I can all too easily relate. I wasn't supose to date until I was 16, but my parents were pretty lenient in that they meant at 16 I could go on alone dates. They knew I had several boyfriends before that and always made it a point to get to know them. When ever I saw them out of school it was always with a group of people or at school dances. The first thing I did though when I turned 16 is date a guy that was 21. I think you need to define what dating is to you cause chances are she has at some point had a boyfriend, maybe just not by your standards.


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## anhaga (May 26, 2005)

DD is only 10yo but I still think about her dating. We haven't set an age limit and I doubt we will. My goal in talking to her about boys is to emphasize how strong and smart she is. That she should always expect to be treated respectfully, treat other respectfully. We've always been pretty open about our bodies around the house too. Everyone still sees me nursing the toddler, who also sleeps with us.

So I'm most concerned about healthy body images because I am hoping that is what will translate into healthy dating realities. I know that hearts still will bend and change over time. Thats how we learned and how they will learn.

Heres hoping the information-is-power and strong-smart-girls-will-be-fine approach works.


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## rryman (Sep 19, 2005)

Hi, I just wanted to say I am going through what you are right now. My dd is 15 also. She tells me she has a boyfriend, and I let her have one. My advice is let her have her boyfriend, let him call your house. But if they want to go out, you take them, and chaperon. Like to the movies etc. She will be mad but she'll get over it cause she will get to see him. Now, if she says shes going to friends for the weekend or overnite, talk to the other parents and see what their parenting rules are and if they are going to be home with the girls. It really does work, so far so good for me as far as that goes. Hope it will work for you. Good luck mama!


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## LDSmomma6 (Oct 31, 2003)

Our dating age for our children is 16. Our oldest DS is 15. He's had a few girlfriends here and there throughout the past few years, but he never dated them, as in going places with them. He only saw them at school, and occasionally they would call him. He nevered called them. This year he is in 10th grade, and he does have 1 girl he likes, but I have told he cannot date, and if I find out that he gets in the car with her alone (she is 16, junior) to go to lunch (open campus, unfortunately), then I was restrict him to staying at the school (how, I don't know, but I will...LOL!) to eat lunch. His cousin is at the same school (junior too) and swears to me, and so does DS, that they aren't boy/girlfriend, but just really good friends. But they call each other all the time. I know he doesn't go anywhere with her after school as he comes home on the bus, and he doesn't go anywhere. He did go to her church the other night for a hayride, and when I went to pick him up, she was awfully close to him snuggling. I was a little PO'd, but hey, he's 15, and I had boyfriends at 15, with 15 yr old boys! So, I guess I shouldn't be so harsh, but I will keep the 16 dating rule.


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

I agree with the "forbidden fruit is all the sweeter" mentality. I don't think you can forbid her having a boyfriend, but you can set limits on things such as car dates, one-on-one dates, etc.

I also agree that your DH being angry about it is somewhat normal, but still HIS problem.


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## Mylie (Mar 15, 2004)

My son has just turned 16 and he has his first serious girlfriend...They are so in love...







I love to hear them talk on the phone..This was very hard for me as he is my only child...I was used to being his sun,his moon and his star...And he was mine..Our lives revolved around each other...

No so anymore...









I tried to tighten the reins and he rebelled seriously...I have learned to loosen the reigns...At 15 your child can and will have emotions very real to them and they will act on them...The only thing you can do is supervise,talk and support..I would let her have her boyfriend...Respect her "feelings" as real emotions....But I would also do this(and I have)...

Have a good talk about sex,diseases and babies...And most important protection...Those teens are going to have sex whether you want them to or not...And I for one prefer not to be a grandma at age 34...I told my boy that if he ever needed condoms he better ask because asking for those is defintily easier then telling two sets of parents you are pregnant and then have to figure out what to do with a baby..

My son and his girlfriend are still chaperoned by either me or her mother...I take them to the movies(of course they sit two rows ahead of me but hey I can still see them..







) and to Super Walmart.ect....They go to each others houses on the weekends...

And good Lord almighty they talk for hours on the phone every day...I can just pick him up and walk in the door with him from her house and he immedietly goes for the phone...I did have to get a little strict so people could get through to me or I needed the phone..

But my point is give in on the stuff you can control without the rebellion...I don't want my son sneaking out so I say yes to as much as I can without compromising what I know is truely wrong....

Right now he is happy(and in love )...
I am happy and she is truely a sweet girl...I like her...

Good luck....Letting go is one of the hardest things we as parents have to do...


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## SunRayeMomi (Aug 27, 2005)

The rule in my house was no DATING until sixteen. Now, mind you, I had my first "boyfriend" in FIFTH grade







but honestly, I don't even think we exchanged phone numbers at that age. It was just something you told everyone. But I was "allowed" to have boyfriends, I just couldn't go out on "dates".
So by 15, I had had many "boyfriends", and had kissed a few as well







I was actually sneaking out at night to see them, just about every night actually, and became rather tired in school. I'm not trying to scare you - there were other factors, such as my parents divorcing and me pinning them against eachother. But if they had let me at least go to the movies with a boyfriend or something, I may not have stooped to sneaking out







who knows.
They were just worried that I should be able to drive myself to dates so that I would have the upper hand on some grabby young man







Well, I was pg by 19. Maybe I am not a good example? Still, I remain the most intelligent of all my friends even though I was the only teenage mother among the closest of us.... but we all make mistakes, I suppose. Not sure my point here.
I am afraid I am validating your reasons for the rule, when I am really trying help you slacken them a bit.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

The reality is she has one. No amount of saying no changes that, right?

Maybe you would feel better with some guidelines in place? That if he comes over you are home, that you prefer group dates (lol) , that you would at least like to chat with his parents on the phone to see how they feel about a girlfriend at their place if there aren't any adults home.

I suppose all i just wrote sounds old-fashioned







, but maybe there is a middle ground where she can have a boyfriend without sneaking around, and you can have a little peace-of-mind help you feel she's safe.

Have a talk with her and discuss all of this. It's OK to say you're nervous, but you know she's growing up. Ask her if there are some guidelines you can agree upon that respects all of you?


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## Jaydedeyz (Jun 23, 2005)

I cannot reply from the mom's point of view,since my oldest is only 2 [3 in DEC.!]. But I grew up very close to my nieces and nephews who are all either 3 years older,or 2-3 years younger than me. And I was/still am the chaperone on most all of their dates. The kids don't want their mom going,so they call the cool aunt [me] to tag along. I keep to the mom's rules [no sex,minimal body contact,only pre-approved movies,etc.],so it works out well ofr us. They'd rather be seen in public with me [since we're close in age and styles], than with their own mothers [who can be smothering]. [They even babysit for me for free while I do this for them!]
The basic rules are simple:
*NO SEX
*No Privacy [which means that if one goes to the bathroom,me and the date wait outside]
*I was always discreet about being the chaperone,if anyone asked,I'm the purse holder









But when it came/comes to the sex talk,that kind of thing was NEVER held with the parents [b/c they all REFUSED to do it!],so I handled that too. I explained to all of them [boys & girls] how important safety and protection is [b/c wether you like it or not,they're gonna do it],and then I had a talk with their boy/girlfriend,and explained it all to them [so we're all on the same page]. Some people might be mad/insulted by that sort of thing,but actually most all of the parents were delighted that I'd handled the hard stuff myself, since they didn't know how,or just weren't going to do it. I even went as far as to hand out condoms,I took all my nieces in to Planned Parenthood for birth control once they turned 16,and even helped one niece through an abortion [since she didn't listen to me to start with].
My point is,they're going to date,and have sex no matter what you say or do,but if you allow somethings [like group dating,or a trusted relative to chaperone],and stand firm on others [if you start having sex you NEED to tell me so I can help you stay safe],then things should go smoother for the both of you.
I don't blame you for wanting to protect your baby girl,that's what any good mom would want to do. But she's got to grow up sometime,and if you use this opportunity as a learning experience instead of a death sentence,then I think things should work out for the best for everyone.
I wish you all the best!


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

I married the boy I started dating at 14....







:

The one thing I have to say is, please don't set your daughter up for a lifetime of guilty sexual feelings by making her think that dating/romance/sex is weird/dirty/bad. Those are very hard feelings to overcome.







Keep the lines of communication open with her.


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Couple of thoughts (coming from someone who has in the last decade been 15/16, not from a mom's perspective):

1) Forbidden fruit and teenage rebellion: no, not everyone will rebel when given strict rules, but a lot more will. Nor is not-caring-permissiveness the answer either: some kids will rebel against that.







: But in my experience, the parents who dictated and punished were much more likely to have kids who lied and snuck out than the parents who talked and guided.

2) What is a "boyfriend"? Honestly, I get freaked out by the pressure and black-and-whiteness implied by "no boyfriend." What about boys who are friends (please tell me your daughter has some!)? What about boys who might be more than friends, what about the chance to discover for herself how to negociate those boundries? From all I've seen, both in highschool and in adulthood, the relationships that are "Boyfriend/girlfriend/romantic" right from the beginning don't last as long or go as well as the ones that grew organically out of being friends and enjoying the other person's company. How is a girl supposed to discover that if she knows there's this Thing called a Boyfriend that she can't yet have (and therefore wants)?

3) Supervised dates: this is an interesting area. Do you supervise all your child's social interactions? If so, or if you're around for most of them, then supervising her dates makes sense. That is, if you regularly have her friends over, why not have this boy who is her friend and might be her boyfriend over? Invite her and a friend or two of her choice out to the movies - it doesn't have to be "Oh, you want to go out? Well, you're going to take your dad with you!" It can be organic, and natural, and relaxed. I do think friends make decent chaperones, also. That is, she doesn't have to go on "group dates" (good lord, the pressure!), but she can go out with a group of friends, maybe including her romantic interest.

I think a lot of teenage problems (and I've thought this since I was a teen) come from the pressure to have the "right labels" - the Right Brand Name, the Right Car, the Right Clique, the Right Nickname, and the Right Relationship Status. I'd hope that more parents would guide their kids out of that whole mess - help them think for themselves. This goes for relationships, too. Teenagers don't have to have "boyfriends" - they can have boys they're friends with and are exploring romantic feelings with. It takes soooooo much of the pressure off to not have to Decide or Declare your relationship status because depending on the answer it might or might not be "allowed". Give her the space to figure it out, to live in that grey area, to be a part-child, part-adult, instead of a Teen. That's not going to happen if you're dictating ages and rules and words, but it might happen if you're listening to her and talking with her and gently guiding her.


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## ErikaDP (Jan 24, 2003)

Hi Everyone,

I am coming at this from a completely different perspective(as the mother of three adults) but what is the problem about stating that the rule in your house is no dating until 16?
Is it because the teens are going to break the rule anyway? For me, that reason is not good enough.
We had(and still have-the youngest ds is 13) rules in our home when it came to our young teenagers. And some of those rules were broken from time to time, and there were consequences that occurred because of it.
We set up boundaries and established rules in our family with our teens in the same way we set them up with them as young children and now as adults, we included them in the decision-making process.
We would share with them the reasons behind our choices for the rules, and they would tell us why they felt that they were good or bad. And they also helped us establish what the consequences would be if the rules were broken(many times, we had to lessen their suggested consequences!).
Because our boundaries and rules were set with inclusion of their ideals and consideration of their feelings, there was far less rebellion by our teens than we saw with many of their peers. And we have been thanked many times by our teens for having rules that they could use as an excuse to get out of many situations and suggestions made by their friends.
For us, setting rules for our family is also about learning and growing up in a home that helps to prepare them to live in a community where there will be many rules that have to be followed.
And as a parent, I knew that there would be(and were)times when I had to be the one to take the lead in keeping them safe. Even if it meant that I was resented at the time.
Oh and one more thing, for us, having rules did not replace active listening and conversation with our teens. Most of the rules and boundaries evolved and changed quite quickly as they grew and matured because we knew them through our many conversations and could feel confident in the choices that they made on their own.

Take Care,
Erika







:
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitt


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ErikaDP*
Hi Everyone,

I am coming at this from a completely different perspective(as the mother of three adults) but what is the problem about stating that the rule in your house is no dating until 16?
Is it because the teens are going to break the rule anyway? For me, that reason is not good enough.

My parents had that rule. I never broke it. But I also felt it was unreasonable and controling, and that they obviously didn't trust me. So I would never have come to them with a problem, if I had a problem. I still shut them out of my life because they have this controling attitute and don't trust me.


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## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

:


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

I met a LOVE OF MY LIFE when I was 15.

A common story - parents were against it, nobody to talk to, we were getting super resourceful in hiding and lying























We actually waited almost 2 years before having sex (whoo-hoo







), so at "mature" 16.5 I got pregnant. With our son







Who is now 18.

I am so glad, I found the way to go around completely unnecessary rule(s), just wish I had somebody to talk to. May be I would have waited on having a child that early.

We are going to celebrate our 19th anniversary shortly.

Teenagers *do* fall in love (without parenthesis) and it can be that one true love that I was blessed with.

I dread to think what would have happened to me if I did not rebel and just let this blessing go away.

I look at my girlfriends who in their 30th, struggling to find a soul mate (no judjement intended, just an observation), going through the upteenth date and am again thankful for finding mine at the ripe age of 15.


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## mommaJ (May 3, 2005)

Just chiming in to agree with all pp. Even though you have her best interest at heart, it is not productive for anyone in your family if you forbid her from having a relationship with someone she likes. Ideally your relationship with her is strong enough that you can help shape what type of relationship it is (healthy, honest, etc.)

I speak from experience as a teen who was "forbidden" to do so many things. Guess what? I did them all. And without the guidance of a mother because I couldn't tell her anything. I so wish it had been different.

I am happy to say, though, that my mom and I have worked on our relationship and it is wonderful to have her close.

Good Luck!


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## calicokatt (Mar 14, 2005)

I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16. I was pregnant before I was 17. My mother actually went so far as to take away my birth control when I was 15, because she felt it was 'condoning' me having sex.... Um, NOPE. You are not god. You cannot physically control your daughter every second of every day. You CAN say she cannot go out on dates, but really even that is a bit much. Group dates are fun, and a good compromise. The more you forbid, the more *many* girls will rebell.


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## mommaJ (May 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn*
This goes for relationships, too. Teenagers don't have to have "boyfriends" - they can have boys they're friends with and are exploring romantic feelings with. It takes soooooo much of the pressure off to not have to Decide or Declare your relationship status because depending on the answer it might or might not be "allowed". Give her the space to figure it out, to live in that grey area, to be a part-child, part-adult, instead of a Teen. That's not going to happen if you're dictating ages and rules and words, but it might happen if you're listening to her and talking with her and gently guiding her.

Just read this. I love the logic here, great points! ITA!


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom*
Supervision not forbidding.

When you supervise you can help her through the bumps. The hard part is that you are going to have to let your girl get hurt. I know that sucks but this is part of growing up.











I have NO problem with male and female teens hanging out together (going out, calling eachother boyfriend/girlfriend even) I do have a problem with teens being unsupervised.

The standard that we set for my own children and the children that I instruct dance to (we are like a family







) is that there are no unsupervised outtings. No hanging out alone. We also discuss sex, making out, etc VERY openly and at anytime, they know they can ask questions and get honest, factual feedback.

I am very open with my opinion that sexual relationships and true "dating" should only happen if and when marriage/a life long commitment are in teh picture.

This is what works well for us.

Also we plan alot of activities with with other parents and all of the teens (My brother is 17 and talking to one of my dance students whom is 15) We have gone to movies, hayrides, haunted houses.......it's a blast for all of us!

Also my brother invites his female friend to alot of family functions and over to the house to interact with family, play a game, watch a movie, etc.

I think alot of it has to do with HOW you as the parents present it. If you present it as a "forbidden fruit" type of thing.....you are setting her up to take a huge bite.

If you present it in a laid back way and are open with her....it works out well







You can still have standards without making her feel imprisioned.

Also......my parents always had a standard that I should hang out with people who were afraid to have an adult conversation. Any guys that I talked to or hung out with had to be willing to chitchat with mom







: Most were.....if they weren't....I would lose interest really fast. What kinda man is scared to talk to my mom? Not my kinda man!









Sorry.....I kinda


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee*









I have NO problem with male and female teens hanging out together (going out, calling eachother boyfriend/girlfriend even) I do have a problem with teens being unsupervised.

The standard that we set for my own children and the children that I instruct dance to (we are like a family







) is that there are no unsupervised outtings. No hanging out alone. We also discuss sex, making out, etc VERY openly and at anytime, they know they can ask questions and get honest, factual feedback.

I am very open with my opinion that sexual relationships and true "dating" should only happen if and when marriage/a life long commitment are in teh picture.

This is what works well for us.

This is what I plan to do as well. I intend to teach them about contraception and STDs and "safer sex," and also emphasize that the only true "safe sex" is within marriage (or lifelong partnership.) They already watch shows and read books where casual teenage dating is portrayed, and we talk about how that's not what we do, I point out when the characters get their hearts broken, etc. Mostly I emphasize that sex is a gift from the Almighty and it's too good to waste on casual relationships.


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## trmpetplaya (May 30, 2005)

nak

my parents told me i couldn't have a bf when i was 16. i did anyhow. i would have been better off had they "allowed" me to date because then i would have felt more comfortable talking to them about my relationship. also, when he broke up with me, i had no support system (he isolated me from all my friends) and stopped eating and couldn't even talk to my parents about it because i told them we weren't dating for the whole year we were... severe depression ensued... for years.

love and peace,


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

I have a 14 year old daughter and we have had that talk and if she ever feels she is ready to take that next step with somenoe we not only encourage her to use condoms and other forms of protection but we also encourage to wait. We let her know that even though she is protecting herself physcially that the emotional stuff that comes with it is a whole other ball game. Is she really ready for that? But I think it was said before. If they want to do it they will. So making sure they are protected is the best we can do for them


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

I do not push the issue about boyfriends. The last thing I want is her sneaking around my back with boys. If we are open and honest about them it makes for less headache. We did have one problem with a boy, she is 14 he 19. They snuck around about it and lied about his age. He was a nice kid and I would have never guessed how old he was. We even took him with us on a family trip this summer!!! She lost all her privalgies and the rest of her summer. When she could be trusted again she earned them back slowly. According to both of them they never took it to that level. I am hoping that is the truth.


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## midstreammama (Feb 8, 2005)

I have to agree with this.

I met my husband the summer before I went into fourth grade. We really didn't start 'dating' until I was in eighth grade but, we were friends the whole interim.

We were together thru highschool. Amid rules and things we snuck around and stayed together. It made it much worse on us because we were an interracial couple. That didn't go over to well, so we kept it secret.
I got pregnant when I was 16 with our first daughter.

We got married 20 days after my 18th birthday, we've been together ever since. So, It does happen, I think you just have to have an open relathiopnship about EVERYTHING. Having someone to talk to about these situations and feelings would have been wonderful but my mom was too hung up on no boyfriends/sex that I din't feel comfortable finally going to her. The fact that he was black made it even harder to go to my family.

We've been married for 6 years and have 3 wonderful daughters.

I plan on keeping an open relationship with all my girls..I learned something great at The Farm once. Your body is always trying to get you pregnant. No matter what you rationalize or think, that is your bidy's main purpose. If I had known that I think I might have thought twice. If he was really the love of my life(which he is) then he would have waited(he told me so).

I hope that made sense.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *irinam*
I met a LOVE OF MY LIFE when I was 15.

A common story - parents were against it, nobody to talk to, we were getting super resourceful in hiding and lying























We actually waited almost 2 years before having sex (whoo-hoo







), so at "mature" 16.5 I got pregnant. With our son







Who is now 18.

I am so glad, I found the way to go around completely unnecessary rule(s), just wish I had somebody to talk to. May be I would have waited on having a child that early.

We are going to celebrate our 19th anniversary shortly.

Teenagers *do* fall in love (without parenthesis) and it can be that one true love that I was blessed with.

I dread to think what would have happened to me if I did not rebel and just let this blessing go away.

I look at my girlfriends who in their 30th, struggling to find a soul mate (no judjement intended, just an observation), going through the upteenth date and am again thankful for finding mine at the ripe age of 15.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

midstreammama said:


> I have to agree with this.
> 
> We've been married for 6 years and have 3 wonderful daughters.
> 
> ...


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## gethane (Dec 30, 2003)

I try not to make rules that I know my children will break/have already broken that entail behavior that is NORMAL for teenagers (I'm not talking drug use, alcohol use, etc, but NORMAL teen behavior). Why? Because if they then break the rule, what am I going to do to make them stop? If I absolutely CAN'T make them stop the activity, then my children learn that my rules don't mean squat, because I'm not enforcing or can't enforce them.


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## ErikaDP (Jan 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom*
My parents had that rule. I never broke it. But I also felt it was unreasonable and controling, and that they obviously didn't trust me. So I would never have come to them with a problem, if I had a problem. I still shut them out of my life because they have this controling attitute and don't trust me.

Hi Benji'sMom,

I think that you missed a important part of my post. It came at the end:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ErikaDP*
Oh and one more thing, for us, *having rules did not replace active listening and conversation with our teens.* Most of the rules and boundaries evolved and changed quite quickly as they grew and matured because we knew them through our many conversations and could feel confident in the choices that they made on their own.

Because the lines of communication were maintained through out their teen years(even and especially when we disagreed), my children continued to talk with us about just about everything. And now, as adults, we still have such a wonderful relationship where we share our lives struggles and triumphs.

Take Care,
Erika







:
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitt


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

I had strict parents, too. They were so anti everything that I just quit talking to them. (I was one of those kids that got really secretive and wild and knocked up as a teenager, too. Miscarried...)

My viewpoint is this: If she's allowed out in the world she's going to make relationships. If I were you, I'd like to get to know this boy rather than *not* know him. You never know, you may really like him. There's got to be something special in him that your daughter sees. Plus, if your daughter knows that you guys are cool, and that she can be upfront, she'll come to *you* for advice. That's greatly preferable to going to her buddies, because we all know the wild theories teenagers have regarding sexuality.


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## channelofpeace (Jul 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla*
Mostly I emphasize that sex is a gift from the Almighty and it's too good to waste on casual relationships.









This is what my parent's/faith instilled in me and i hope to pass on to my children when they reach teenage-hood. I saw too many of my girlfriends in high school get stupid when they started having sex. It is a powerful bond and then they wouldn't get rid of these stupid/moronic jerks. Dh and i were high school sweethearts (we started dating at the end of our senior year) and we waited until our wedding night. And once we got the hang of it, there was no looking back









My parents weren't very strict... group dates or chaperoned by my older sis and her fiance until i was 16 and then they let it go from there. I knew what they expected of me and i expected it of myself. I knew that sex led to babies and perhaps other more unsavory things, and i knew i wasn't prepared for that.

Keep the lines of communication open. My boyfriends and i often hung out with my family and got to know them. I hope that you can find a solution that works for both you and your daughter and that builds a good foundation


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## littlest birds (Jul 18, 2004)

I think you need to cultivate an open and accepting attitude. What does having a "boyfriend" mean to her? What does she think is okay for herself in the relationship? These are things you talk about as preventive measure, to keep things open.

Have him visit at your house. That is probably the best place for them to be together at first--with you right there nearby. You can get an idea of who he is, is he respectful of her and of you? Start with fairly watchful limits, and over time they can be expanded as you perceive that your daughter is handling responsibility well.

She is becoming a woman, but does she do so by getting away from her family, or can she safely do so within the embrace of her family? Your dh will see her become a stranger if he cannot "allow" her her womanhood.


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## ErikaDP (Jan 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Datura*
I had strict parents, too. They were so anti everything that I just quit talking to them. (I was one of those kids that got really secretive and wild and knocked up as a teenager, too. Miscarried...)

My viewpoint is this: If she's allowed out in the world she's going to make relationships. If I were you, I'd like to get to know this boy rather than *not* know him. You never know, you may really like him. There's got to be something special in him that your daughter sees. Plus, if your daughter knows that you guys are cool, and that she can be upfront, she'll come to *you* for advice. That's greatly preferable to going to her buddies, because we all know the wild theories teenagers have regarding sexuality.

Hi Datura,

Establishing boundaries and rules for your teens does not *have* to make you strict and controlling parents. It also does not have to mean that communication has to end between you and your teens(it certainly did not end it in my family growing up or with my teens). For me, it's not all or nothing. Caring parents can set boundaries *with* their teens without being controlling, arbitrary and/or punitive.
And I absolutely agree that the best thing to do is to get to know the boyfriend that the daughter(or girlfriend that the son)wants to have a relationship with. Have them come over for a meal, meet them at entertainment events and try to get to know their family. As a matter of fact, this is good advice to take for all of your teen's friends, not just the ones you think that they might like romantically.

Take Care,
Erika







:
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitttha Kitt


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

As a mother of 5, 4 of them girls, and the youngest two 15yo tins, I have to speak up.

Forbidding a normal part of growing up does not prevent it. You can;'t forbid your baby to learn to walk or talk. You can't forbid them to make new friends in kindergarten. And you can't forbid relationships with half teh population of the world.

To do so is to force your child to choose to not be true to themsleves or to lie to you.

If you encourage honesty, if you allow normal relationships, you get to discuss the choices they are making. If they want to go to a movie, just a couple and stay out til midnight, you have the oppurtunity to say that you're more comfortable with her group dating, that she has to be home by 10, and that you'll drive!

If it isn't discussed, then she can say she's sleeping at a friends, ride in a car with a 16 yo boy, stay out really late, etc. ANd you won't know till it';s history.

I think it makes more sense to offer to drive ALL the time (DH can do that too!) Let them play their music, stop and buy a dozen donuts and pass themn out. Be the parent who always offers to drive. You get worn out, but you know what' going on, they talk while you drive.







Also, if you allow them to date some, they learn early that boys are BOYS, in a safer environment. (No offense to boys, but they aren't very glamorous! THey burp, spit, carack rude jokes, etc).

My DD dont' date, not till they are in teh last year or so of High school. By then, well, you gotta let them do stuff cause the next year, they're away at college. You don't want them to learn it all then, trust me!


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

i dont have girls, so forgive me for poking my nose where i have no experience, but i just dont think you can forbid your daughter from having a bf. its a normal part of life and i know my parents weren't able to stop me from dating someone at 15 that they didn't really like. i sneaked around and did it.
i would suggest a better route would be to open up communication with your dd and be there for her, even in decisions that you may not approve of. if you have a specific concern that you feel needs to be addressed, address that issue (e.g., if my parents had restricted me and my bf to my home or to places they took me - the movies, etc. - it would have given them an opportunity to get to know him and give me the opportunity to see him without sneaking around). as it turned out, i ended up skipping school alot one year so i could be with him (dont worry...i ended up graduating and going to college! lol!).
good luck
rach


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## sunnybreeze (Oct 27, 2005)

I agree with Rach and most of the other comments. Sad but true in today's world this falls into the realm of something we cannot control. The probability is you try to "forbid" this, it will not stop it but only force it underground. Rach's suggestion of ackowledging it (doesn't mean approving) but making yourself open and appealing to your dd for counsel is a better approach. Also being open about establishing guidelines. Most teens although they may seem otherwise and seem to want to act out rebelliously, still at least sub-conciously are seeking guidance from us. They want us to let out, but not let go of the reins.


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## leetos (Dec 19, 2005)

hello everyone.i am not at all a mother but i love the site and the different discussions.i am not american either(i am trinidadian-it's in the caribbean) and i would like to say that i think forbidding a child,or rather on'e child to date depends on the child themself. meaning that if it is that the child does meet someone for example at school that they like very much,it's really frustrating to know that one cannot get to know this person on a different level. on a more personal note,i am 20 years old myself. i am still not allowed to have a bf which to me is quite irrational as i am a great university student,i am involved in other activities plus i am saving myself until marriage.just because i go out with someone does not mean that i will automatically forget all that i stand for (i'm not saving myself for religious reasons,but because i really don't support any other choice) and i have found someone that i do care about and have cared about for the past three years.

it is frustrating to know that i cannot go out with him or relate to him so comfortably on that level because i do not want to disrespect the wish by my parent(father is the opposing force). so my point is,forbidding one's child or denying them something that is already there or something that the care about,is quite senseless as it can serve to alienate them from you.if it is you don't want her to be intimate that's anohter issue.if that is the way that she was brought up and you know that she strongly believes in what is right,then there is no reason to be fearful.


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ErikaDP*
Hi Datura,

Establishing boundaries and rules for your teens does not *have* to make you strict and controlling parents. It also does not have to mean that communication has to end between you and your teens(it certainly did not end it in my family growing up or with my teens). For me, it's not all or nothing. Caring parents can set boundaries *with* their teens without being controlling, arbitrary and/or punitive.
And I absolutely agree that the best thing to do is to get to know the boyfriend that the daughter(or girlfriend that the son)wants to have a relationship with. Have them come over for a meal, meet them at entertainment events and try to get to know their family. As a matter of fact, this is good advice to take for all of your teen's friends, not just the ones you think that they might like romantically.

Take Care,
Erika







:
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitttha Kitt


Hrmm, I think you read a bit more into my post than I actually put there. I never implied that she was controlling, I simply mentioned that my parents strict adherence to the rules without taking my input into the matter created a schism that we are still trying to fix. The Dh in question's inability to deal with the looming womanhood of the Dd reminds me so much of my own father's pronounced discomfort with my own sexuality that I had to comment. They were so determined to "protect" me that they drove me into exactly the fate that they feared most: teenage pregnancy. (Not that I didn't have my own hand in it







)


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## soccerchic21 (Jan 6, 2004)

I think telling your daughter she can't have a boyfriend is only going to make her want one even more. Growing up my mother said you can't do this, this, this and this and was very strict and it just made me want to do those things more

1) Because I really wanted to know what all they hype was about if she was so adimant about not having a boyfriend or dating or sex and drugs

2) Because she was so strict I rebelled HARD CORE!

I think just being open and honest with your kids is the key. Why not have her boyfriend over and meet him. Having him in your house under your supervision sounds better than her sneaking off to meet him at a friends house.

Get to know his parents too.


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## bleurae (Feb 25, 2005)

I wasn't allowed to dat at 15. I lost my virginity at 15 and my parents didn't even know I was seeing boys. I also slept around for a time after. I had no adult to talk to and the boy I lost my virginity to was all about "teaching" me all sorts of things I had no business learning. The factors were parents who didn't listen. When a kid asks to date they are saying "hey I am having all these feelings and do not know what to do but they are soooo intense". I decided long ago that the one thing I wish I had had was a parent to explain to me what those feelings were, how overwhelming they could and would be. To tell me that feeling horny was ok, that I didn't have to act on it, that just kissing for hours in sweet aangst was an awesome thing. I wish to goddess I had someone to tell me about pleasuring myself, by myself, to alleviate those feelings or at leasttake the edge off. I wish I had a mom who bought me a vibe and a great book and told me that I never need ANYONE to be happy, or feel a certain way, that I am more than enough for myself and that another person should be a healthy addition to my life but not what I rely on to feel pretty/happy/smart/sexy/loved.
I wish I hadn't spent so much of my precious youth trying to find those things the wrong ways, in secret, shamed and hiding them from my parents, lost and confused. My parents never did get to know me.


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## cal (Oct 28, 2004)

bleurae







my sentiments exactly!!
My parents were VERY strict about me not dating or leaving the house in general when I was a teen..it felt like a slap in the face (and sometimes literally was)that they did not see me for the wonderful person I was and was becoming and had no trust in me when I hadn't done anything wrong except grow another year older...their suffocating rules divided us and I became very alone and ended up seeing more boys -looking for love comfort and acceptance I wasn't getting at home...they(boys) thought I was wonderful...my parents thought I was terrible...I could talk to them ,(boys)and was listened to...my parents wouldn't talk or listen...hmmm...who do you think I'd want to spend more time with??It got so bad that at the ripe old age of 15 I moved out on my own...








My oldest daughter is almost 14 and we talk about everything...She knows every day that I love her and think she's absolutely wonderful,strong and beautiful -things I never felt growing up-and I know she'll make good choices and she knows I'm always there for her-and because of this I notice that she dosen't have the "neediness"I did for acceptance she is alot more secure in her own skin than I ever was...We also talk alot about "what would you do if..."scenarios so I know where her head is at...I'm trying a different approach with her-(basic rules are implmented regarding drugs and alcohol) but I'm leaving her world wide open she has to tell me what she's doing where she's going and if she's up front and honest then she can pretty much make her own rules...if she's dishonest her world and priveledges will get smaller until she can earn it back...we laugh and joke about my main rule "don't be stupid"









Anyway







in case you were wondering my life turned out pretty good anyway finished highschool while living on my own,college etc..







made up with my parents after the birth of my first child and have been getting closer and closer every year







finally the relationship with my parents I always wanted albeit I had to wait until I was in my 30's








I still regret moving so young and feel like I missed out on alot of "normal" teenage things and have been an adult alot longer than I should have but even looking back I know under the same circumstances I would have had to make the same choices...


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## DavinaT (Jun 28, 2005)

What a very sensible group you are. Boy how I wish you had been around to advise my parents when i as growing up.
I had a Boyfriend (to whom I am now married) at 15, in secret, the first time we had intercpourse it was in secret, when i went on the pill at 17 it was in secret, when I had a (unfounded) pregnancy scare it was in secret.
You can't stop your teens learninh about boys thru having relationships any more han you can stop them learning about smiles thru having hapiness.


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## ErikaDP (Jan 24, 2003)

I guess I feel differently than some of the PP here.
My own sexuality and sexual activity was not the result of some kind of rebellion of the strictness of my parents or their permissiveness either.
It was a combination of desire, curiosity, hormones and opportunity that lead me to be sexually active. And my activity was private, I didn't feel the need to discuss it with anyone(and to a certain extent, I still feel that way







).
So in raising our children(just like my mother did with me), my husband and I gave them plenty of information about sex and relationships and we always let them know that they could come to us if they wanted to. And they did come to us(together and separately), with questions and to ask what we thought about certain situations. But for the most part, they have kept their sexual histories to themselves and we have respected their privacy.
And there was no need for a dating rule in our home because the situation never presented itself. But I am sure if it did(or does seeing how we still have one teen left at home), I wouldn't hesitate to tell my son that he is too young to date.

Take Care,
Erika







:
"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail..."
"Knowledge without compassion is useless"-SCW
"I am learning all the time, the tombstone will be my diploma"- Eartha Kitt


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## Shann (Dec 19, 2003)

To the OP: Yes, I DEFINITELY think you are wrong to tell your 15 y/o dd that she can't date! Come on! She will do it anyway, so why bother?? 15 y/o is, in today's society, a very typical age for kids to have already started dating, so yeah, you should not be telling her that she can't.


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## Celtain (Mar 10, 2004)

I have found with my 15 year old dd that it is far more effective to be supportive and open about her life and her relationships, the to be a dictator. Ultimately it is her life and I really don't want her sneaking around behind my back and lying to me about what she is doing and who she is with.

This is a major trust issue. I trust her.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

I have told my husband over and over again if you push her away and make rules you know she will not keep it can only cause more trouble in the long run. So make rules you know that are liveable for her and you. Kayla can have boyfriends, Kayla also knows that she is only a virgin once and that it can never be regained. She is aware of STDS and pregnancy, She knows that it is a serious choice not to be taken lightly. I can only hope that the things I instilled in her over these years stuck with her and she makes the right choices. At this point I can only give guidance and understanding. She is a young adult and has her own mind. She isnt 2 and I cannot control her at all times. HTH at least a little


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## veganf (Dec 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hopeful130*
First of all - she's still very young emotionally. Very sensitive and I just don't think mentally she's prepared although she will tell you totally different.

The rule always was - no boyfriends until you are 16. The thing is - she has one.

LOL, I can't imagine been told that I couldn't have a boyfriend at that age, especially since I'd already been having sex for 2 years. I know many parents would love to be able to control who their children see, both as friends and otherwise, but I don't think it's realistic or kind. They need to be able to make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes, with parents as a guide and setting a good example.
But that's my opinion obviously.

- Krista


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## Gitti (Dec 20, 2003)

My oldest dd started dating when she was 17, my son was 18, and my youngest dd was 13.

Each human being is different. But honestly, for those of you who are concerned about dating at age 15: What is your reason?

Let's be sincere about it.

The reason to postpone it is because you are hoping that if the girl gets pregnant, at least she'll be older.

Am I right or is there another reason why you try to have your kids be older before dating?

And if there is another reason, would you stop your dd from having a 'boy friend' over to the house when she's in 2nd or 3rd grade?


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I'm with the many posters who think this is a rule that could backfire. It seems that it already has. It's better to be able to be honest about things on both sides.

Sexuality is really powerful and teens can get overwhelmed. You have to be able to be there to bolster her self-esteem and to communicate your values _without_ that huge dollop of blame that generally attaches to girls and not boys. Don't make it about her reputation or about being a nice girl, is what I'm saying. Bolster her autonomy and independence, so that she can make good choices. She is obviously old enough to like boys, so you want the lines of communication to be open.


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## Gitti (Dec 20, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain optimism*
Sexuality is really powerful and teens can get overwhelmed. You have to be able to be there to bolster her self-esteem and to communicate your values _without_ that huge dollop of blame that generally attaches to girls and not boys. Don't make it about her reputation or about being a nice girl, is what I'm saying. Bolster her autonomy and independence, so that she can make good choices. She is obviously old enough to like boys, so you want the lines of communication to be open.

...and you want to give her all the information available on birth control options.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I read the OP a little differently than some of you did, I think. There's been a lot of talk here about dating, but the OP didn't exactly ask about dating. She asked about "having a boyfriend". There's a girl in my son's class (he's 13, as of yesterday) who has "gone out with" almost every boy in the class...since September. I don't even know which ones, exactly, and suspect that their parents don't know, either. I don't think there's been any actual "dating" going on...she just pairs off at lunch and stuff.

I think dating rules, as in restricting actual couple dates, might be workable. I'm not interested in having them, but I think they could work. But, just forbidding a boyfriend? No way. A boyfriend can be almost anything, and parents can't control their children's relationships with other people. Relationships, be they "just friends", romantic or sexual, are going to happen, whether parents like it or not.

I do find this stuff all kind of funny, in some ways. I lost my virginity to a guy I'd met once prior to that night. He was five years older than me (I was 15), but I was the aggressor. We never did actually date, and he certainly wasn't my boyfriend. I didn't have a boyfriend, or go on a date, for over a year after that. So, if my parents had had a "no dating" rule or a "no boyfriends" rule, I would have lost my virginity (and had a pregnancy scare) without technically breaking it.


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## 2much2luv (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gitti*
...and you want to give her all the information available on birth control options.










What do you mean by that?


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## littlemama_28-5 (Mar 22, 2006)

OK I NO WHERE YOU ARE COMEING FROM MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE HIS DAUGHTER AND HAVE HAD HER FROM THE TIME WE GOT MARRIED TILL NOW AND SHE IS 15 AND SHE IS THE OLDEST OUT OF OUR KIDS AND WE HAVE 4 OTHER BOYS AND OUR BABY(6 1/2WEEKS)BUT THAT WAS OUR THING IS BOY SO WE LET HER OUT TO SEE BUT SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX AND NOW SHE IS 7 MONTHS PREGNET.SO IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN TELL YOU I WOULD BE VERY CAREFULL ON WHAT YOU LET HER DO JUST BC SHE SAYS SHE IS WITH "THE GIRLS" DOSENT ALWAY MEAN THATS WHERE SHE IS.


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## Gitti (Dec 20, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2much2luv*
What do you mean by that?









I personally have taught my kids what birth controls are available, where they can get it, and when to use it.

They didn't even want to have sex unless they were protected. And my oldest dd told me not too long ago the reason why she didn't ever have sex until she was past 19 was because I had so emphasised protected sex, that she couldn't have ever considered having it without protection (and she was never prepared).

When she fell in love, she first went to the clinic and got protection.

This may be controversial for some of you, but I am from a different country and we don't have many teen pregnancies because of all the teaching we do at home AND in school.

Kids will have sex, whether you educate them on birth control or not. The outcome is up to you.

The reason why I know that none had unprotected sex is because they are all grown ups now and we laugh about it sometime...they tell their spouses about how it was such an open discussion in our house...and how they even educated their own friends....

Out of all three of my kids' friends, there was not one teen pregnancy. (And I bet it wasn't for lack of practice.)


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## AnnaLC (Sep 23, 2005)

to put it bluntly: Forbidding a kid from doing something will not stop them if they really want it, and will probably just make the situation worse.
In my opinion, the best course of action would be 1) examine the roots of your feelings, why does the idea of her having an intimate relationship scare you (and your husband) so much, and 2) discuss your concerns honestly with her in a non-disiplinary manner.
If she doesnt feel like you are against her and her wishes she is much more likely to take your concerns into account and even, possibly, learn from you


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## ImoKit (Jan 20, 2006)

Depending on her education system birthcontrol and sex ed is probably rammed down her throat anyway. Amoung people where I live the choice how far to go, and whether to bother with contraception or not. In England the law is that if you prove to your school nurse you can put a condom onto a model then you get C card which entitle you to free condoms.
I wouldn't know whether or not limiting dating etc is a good thing but I do know that it doesn't work.

One of my friends (hindi background) was forbidden to date and got a bf within 2 weeks of moving to my school. THey saw each other in school and on 2, 30min walks to and from the station, they also texted. Nothing more than kissing (and I don't think they did that), but her father didn't like it and they broke up.
By my book, it would have been better to trust her, not to be silly and keep the peace as she had sense over the issue.


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## b_light (Jan 10, 2006)

Forgive me for answering as I'm not a mother yet (pregnant with #1) but have been a teenager fairly recently. Besides, you may like what I have to say...

First of all (after reading all the stories about pregnant teenagers, drugs, etc.), I'd like to reiterate that NOT ALL children with rules such as that one have rebelled. Some do, some don't, and none of us know you're daughter like her parents do.

Also, kudos for trying so hard! You obviously have your daughter's best interest at heart. Your daughter will remember your intentions.

I can't tell you if you're rule is unreasonable or not because I don't know your family as intimately as you do. With that said, your daughter disobeyed the rule you set. Now something(s) has to happen. You can do many things with this, I would recommend either or even both of the following suggestions:

1). Punishment--It's probably what you threatened her with or what she'd expect you to do if she broke the rule. Even though it sounds harsh, you can use it as a positive tool (my mother always did, she was very creative, our "punishments" always fit the crime). You could have her write a research paper about civil disobedience or Martin Luther King Jr--but explain the significance (there is always the possibility that the laws one lives under whether they be the government or parents could be unjust--she could learn more positive ways to "rebel". i.e. if I sped down the street (broke the law), I'd get a ticket (punishment)...but if I did research and made a petition to change speed limit laws and presented it--who knows? maybe something could change, maybe it wouldn't). Her real crime wasn't that she disagreed with the rule, it's that she acted on it. Learning about others who disagree with the law but handle it in a "mature" way could help your daughter. The point of punishment is to teach and there is always room for creativity!

2). Loosen up--If you honestly feel that the rule is too tight (that will depend on your family dynamics and belief system, social climate in your area, etc. etc.) than talk to her about making a compromise. Tell her what you're feeling and *why* you set the rules and offer to make a compromise with her. Have her come up with suggestions--you may even be surprised how mature she could act when given the choice. Perhaps the two of you can come up with boundaries that are acceptable for both of you. For example, she can talk on the phone with him, or have him over if they stay in open areas of the house, or go out with a group of friends (not just the two of them), or even that she has to wait a couple of months to see him outside school. The major thing is that you talk it over with her. She is more likely to stick to a rule she helped set (as others have mentioned).

If however, you find yourself in a position where you feel you have made a mistake (I'm not trying to imply either way), then fess up and apologize (another thing my mother was good at). In my mind, apologizing puts a human face on the "law", models good behavior for your daughter, shows your daughter that you respect her rights (which can teach her that she deserves respect--a good lesson for a young woman entering the dating world), and reinstates you as authority figure.

I think the important thing is to meet your daughter where she's at and talk about it openly with her. As long as its a heart to heart and you have her attention (not in front of other people or right before she's about to leave, etc.), it's likely that she will listen to what you have to say. Ask her if she has a moment to spare or go on a long walk, just the two of you and tell her all the reasons why you have set the rules you have set. Tell her about your fears and let her tell you what she thinks about it. If you listen to what she has to say, she might just listen to you, too!


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten*

Teenagers have hormones. They fall in "love".

I was in love at 15 over twenty years ago and I would not put love in quotes. It was real.


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## SJLove (Mar 12, 2006)

nak
I wish that my parents had discouraged dating and having boyfriends when i was a teen. Because everyone sees it as normal, it becomes the main focus of so many teens' lives, including my own. As a result, I had sex too young, got pregnant too young, got married too young. Teens are driven by hormones and lust; most don't understand what real relationships should be about.

When my kids are dating age, we are going to teach them about courting instead of dating. I'm probably the only one here who feels that way though.


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## natrowmum (Apr 7, 2006)

let's see. . . how did not dating until i was 16 affect me:

they took away my car thinking it would limit my abiltiy to be with inapropriate people and do inapropriate things senior year of highschool so i would get off the bus walk through the school and go out the front door to get in the flavor of the moment's car

by the time i was 16 i was already so determined to have fun i had the worst relationships with males partially because i had to hide them from mom and dad. if your kid is hiding relationships from you she can potentially get in a bad situation that she won't tell you about. because she was somewhere she shouldn't be with someone she shouldn't be with, she might not tell you if something happens to her. i know all 4 of us (3 girls, 1 boy) kept our business to ourselves.

besides there's a difference between having a boyfriend (emotional connection), dating, & sex. somehow for me the first one didn't seem to be part of the other 2 and the impression i got off my parents was that all guys were sex starved demons not human beings, but so many guys aren't like that, my parents also didn't deal with the idea that girls are curious and interested in sex too. so i figured they were idiots and not to listen to them. i chased guys like there was no tomorrow. are you spelling out the difference or is there no difference?

why no boyfriends (i can see the whole not going out thing, i do the same thing we are treating it like 15 1/2 to get learner's permit, 16 to drive & date, 18 to vote, 21 to drink, 25 to get decrease in car insurance rates--milestones in life) but my daughter is aware that she can have relationships with guys (she's 11) in the right way. at least she talks to me like i never did with my parents by this age i was hiding books they thought i shouldn't read and going to friends' houses to hangout with boys--not do anything wrong, just talk to them in herds like everybody else. yet i knew i probably would get grounded if i mentioned standing outside some neighbor's house talking to him and his friends with my friends about nothing--because i might have sex one day in my parent's minds. instead of them saying where you going, who's going to be there, what are you doing? it was assumed you can't leave the house unless i say different, not you can go anywhere that is appropriate, if nothing else interferes--which mostly came from my dad. but mom believed in the whole man as head of the household thing so she never said boo to dad unless it got too bad. she didn't even try to talk to him about the situation and try to lessen the restrictions even when she disagreed. i learned early on that they didn't and wouldn't trust me, no matter what, so why bother.

i let my DD go to the neighbor's house to play PS2 and she comes home to tell me all about it. his mom is home and they have supervision. i hope she is learning that i trust her so she won't sneak on me later. uhh. . . won't sneak too much. i know she probably will some, i just hope she just does it safely and talks to me

i'm pretty strict compared to my neighbors so i worry some times that i will affect my kids the way my parents' affected me. i don't know what the happy medium is, so i just talk to my kids as much as i can

good luck


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## Dwmama (Mar 11, 2005)

My parents had the 16 year old rule but it really wasn't an issue for me. But I think if there was someone I wanted to date earlier than that, I would have no matter what they said. I would rather my 13 year old bring her boyfriend over to hang out and watch tv then for her to sneak around with him because I forbid it.


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## jannan (Oct 30, 2002)

i think you should get to know the boy and his parents. hang out with them. is it wrong to tell her she can't have a boy friend?i just don't think it is very effective


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

I think it needs to be noted that the OP didn't say "no dating," she said "no boyfriend." What exactly does that mean? What if she had male friends? What if she is really close to one? Does that count?

I think we as the parents of preteen and teens needs to keep in mind that this is a time when physiologically the kids are closer to young adults, but maturity wise they are still closer to children. Generalization, no one jump on my back for it. The point of parenting in my view is to help guide them in the world, so they will be able to function somewhat independently when they are older.

Forbidding a normal human relationship is pretty hard core, and pretty dictatorial. Why not acknowldge her feelings and emotions, and provide some guidelines to help her develop her emotional maturity in a safe environment?

My oldest is currently in 5th grade, and went through the "boyfriend" thing a few years ago. Apparently in 2nd grade, having a boyfriend meant that you liked a boy. Instead of freaking out when she told me she had a boyfriend (which I admit was my first reaction), I asked her what that meant. When she told me, I tried to help her facilitate a good relationship with this boy, and help her learn what a romatic relationship involves (respect, kindness, etc on the part of BOTH PARTIES).

Now in 5th, she doesn't talk about having a"boyfriend" anymore, in part because her idea of a boyfriend is more mature. She does have boys who are friends, and boys that she has crushes on (and a few girls, too, for that matter). But we try to talk about these things. I try to also spontaneously talk about what I like about my relationship with their father (my husband), and what I like about the relationships I see among our friends. And we talk about what we don't like about some relationships that we see amongst our family and friends. I'm hoping that gives her some guidance as to what to expect when she has a romantic relationship. As a couple, dh and I try to model and point out behaviours of a couple and the consequences of being in a relationship.

No bones about it, we *will* enforce some rules, because even though my girls are awesome girsl, they are still just girls, and as such are prone to the judgement errors that will occur in someone that age. What I want for them, and what I am hoping for them, is that they will be able to "practice" the joys and pains of "love" while still under our protective wings.

And, no slams on whether teenage love is "love." I, too, am married to the boy I dated as a teen, all through high school and college. But I would also say that our love now is much different than our love in high school. It was intense and real as teens, but definately of a different sort. That is what I mean when I put the "love" in parenthesis. Teenage love/lust/crush stuff. Not insignificant, just a different level.

What's funny--my parents didn't like me to date; my dad was always concerned about my "reputation". Therefore, I rarely brought any boyfriends home, and had quite alot of sexual encounters elsewhere, starting at so young an age it makes me shudder to think of now. Then I met my dh; we hung out at his house all the time. It was so much fun to eat supper with his family, and then watch a movie or go for a walk as an entire family. I loved it. Alot of how we parent we model after my dh's childhood family-life. His parents were much more strict than mine in terms of curfew, etc; but they also opened their home to us, and didn't make us feel like we were childish or naughty. They aknowledged and respected our feelings and our relationship *within their rules* and I appreciated it both then and now.


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## momfirst (Apr 14, 2006)

I couldn't date till I was 16...so I snuck around. I also had a horrible home life. My dd and I are much more close and open with each other than I was with my mom. I didn't care that my dd had a 'boyfriend' at a young age because all it really meant was that they ate lunch together and walked to class together. My ex had a fit, but understood when I said that if I 'forbid' having a boyfriend then she was more likely to go behind my back. I didn't let her date 1/1 till she was a bit older, she had to be with groups of friends and she was OK with that. In fact she prefered to be in groups. I was also the first parent to allow boy/girl parties. Some parents thought this was too soon, but I wanted my dd to know that boys are just like your friends. I didn't want it to be some big 'oooh, a boy is over' type thing.

I think it's fine to let your dd know what your expectations are and what your family morals are, but try not to simply say 'NO', that most likely will cause rebellion.


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