# healing after the loss of a baby (little bit graphic)



## chinacat (May 14, 2003)

I hope this is ok to post here. I have never really grieved over this loss though i feel it everyday ... there are so many things i regret about it, i jsut really need to share my experience...
6 1/2 years ago i had a miscarrage at 13 weeks. The pregnancy was unplanned and i wasn't readya t all to have a baby. The father and i had only known each other for about a month when i found out i was pregnant.
I was only just 19 at the time. The father was 34 (at the time he told me he was 27, i found out later how old he actually was)
I took no real interest in my pregnancy, i did take care of myself though..but i had no idea about anything. I started spotting early morning very lightly. The night before i told the father of the baby he would never see me again....
As the day progressed the spotting continued getting slightly heavier. By about 7 pm i was bleeding bright red. I told my mum(who i lived with at the time) And she sent me to the hospital with my dad. We got to the hospital where i was made to wait in the waiting room for 3 hours. By then the bleeding was period heavey. When i finally got brought in, i was told to get into a gown and the doctor would be there shortly. They left me to sit for 4 hours alone in emergency bleeding, i got up out of the bed at one point adn i was covered in my own blood, it was pouring down my legs. No one told me anything...i wandered out into the hall crying hysterically covered in blood. The nurse quickily got me back into bed and the doctor came in some after...
He examined me adn told me i was misscarring adn there was nothing they could do.. He had to try to suck some of the blood away because i was bleeding so heavily that he couldn't see anything. The whole time this is going on i couldn't stop crying.
He then told me i was losing too much blood so they hooked me up to an I.V.
After that is kind of a blur of doctors and nurses talking and trying to clean me up. I was told i would have to have and D&C to get the baby and everything else out. But that it couldn't happen untill morning.
There were no rooms available in the hospital so they left me in emergency....
I didn't sleep that night at all...i had no idea what was going on. In the morning some new nurses came in, they told me i had to remove all jewelry before surgery...I had on 3 hemp neckalaces that needed to be untied in order to get them off. The nurses said they had no time for that and cut them off with scissors. they took out my earrings and nose ring, then they told me to take out my tongue ring, but i couldn't because i was shaking so badly from crying. The one nurse snapped at me and told me she would't do it for me so if something went wrong in surgery becasue of it it was my own fault.
They wheeled me up and elevator and left me in a hallway.
Then more nurses came said they were going to put something in my IV to knock me out. thats the last thing i remember untill i woke up in a room screaming......
No one said anything about my baby...they treated me as though i had surgery for some illness and that was it... my baby was gone..
The hardest part about this for me is now i know how big my baby would have been... I feel like i was told nothing, i was treated like some stupid kid.
I didn't even name my baby, i wish i did . I don't know if i could have waited and just had the baby, declined the D&C for the time being....i wish i was able to hold my baby and see him or her.....I wish someone would have treated me like a mother who had lost her baby...They were all so mean to me and annoyed that i was crying constantly.
The father of my baby showed up and we cried together, that was the last time i saw him.
I don't feel as though i have healed in anyway from this. I have 2 beautiful boys now, but i still think of my first baby constantly.
After i lost the baby i began heavily drinking and doing drugs..i couldn't deal with all the emotion. The loss of a baby that no one really acknowledged.
It ore me up inside but i had no one to talk to so i drank and got high, and worked...Now with 2 boys the loss hits me even more..does that seem weird?
I talk about it with my partner and he is really sweet adn caring but he doesn't understand what it feels like...

thanks for reading this if you did...it helps just being able to wright about it.

Julia


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## ayme371 (Jan 5, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss.
It does not seem strange at all that you feel the loss more now than you did then. Now that you have two of your own, you know what you are missing.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I am so very sorry for all that you went through and continue to go through. A miscarriage is hard under any circumstances, but yours seem to have been especially hard. My dd is calling me so I'll try to come back and write more, but know that I am thinking of you and hope that you find a way to heal after all these years.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Julia-
I am so sorry for your loss, and the way you were treated. I had a D&C 2.5 months ago when we found out that our baby had died at 15 weeks, and even though I did not suffer all the indignities that you went through, the feeling that this was simply a medical procedure and the lack of compasion was similar. I wish too that I had known I could have waited and delivered on my own. It is such a surreal experience, being pregnant one minute and waking up not with no memory inbetween still is breaking my heart. I can say that what has helped has been naming our baby, Therese, and planting a tree for her and saying a simple prayer for her. It gave the whole experience some closure and gave me a place to go to mourn her and feel more connected to her. There is no reason that you couldn't do this now. Maybe when you can truly acknowledge your loss you will be able to move through it a little easier. Again, I am so very sorry that you went through such a horrible ordeal. Catherine


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## chinacat (May 14, 2003)

thank you all. I have thought about having a little naming ceremony for my baby, but i jsut haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

I have no friends irl who have exoerienced anything like this, so they don't understand how i feel and honestly i don't talk about it with anyone, which i think has made it harder to heal....so thanks again for letting my get this all out here...

Julia


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss, and also for the sad way you were treated.


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## broodymama (May 3, 2004)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one, mama, and I hope you can begin to heal from that experience.


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## Maderella (Mar 20, 2005)

I am sorry for your loss. Stories like yours make me wanna just smack some doctors and nurses around - I get crazy angry about it.

I don't know if this will help - it may help or could make it worse but when I had my first m/c at 12 weeks (my first pregnancy) it helped to get the hospital report. I don't know why, it didn't really give any great info but it was something concrete for me to have regarding the loss.

Perhaps you could get a copy of your records?


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

Im really sorry for your immense loss and sadness. I am also really sorry that you were treated in such a cold way in a time when you needed loving hands and gentle explanasions as to what was happening and why....

You say that writing this post has helped. If writing about how you feel helps, perhaps you could write a letter to your baby and tell him/her how you feel. Do you think that may ease your emotions and help you heal?


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