# Am I totally damaging my son?



## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

My son just turned 7, and is unschooled. He's at the age now where he's really wanting friends and I feel terrible because he doesn't have any







I have NO mom friends, and the only other child my son has had interaction with on a regular basis is my stepson of the same age, which wasn't always positive for my son but it was someone to play with when they got along. We had SS full time until recently and for reasons I care not to go into my son will not be having interaction with him for the time being&#8230;

Anyway, I feel awful about this. We go to the park and we recently moved to an area with a children's museum close by, so I will be buying us a pass for there, but other than that I'm not sure what I can do. He wants friends, regular friends, not just random playmates here and there and I just don't know if that's going to happen with him not being in school and me not having any mom friends.

I've tried to make friends with other moms, but it's hard as I don't drive (but DH does) and mainly the fact that I don't often "mesh" well with most of the women I meet. I've never been much of a girl's girl and that hasn't changed since becoming a mom unfortunately. Not that I wouldn't like to have mom friends! It just doesn't seem ever go beyond a short conversation at a playground.

This would be ok if I felt like my son was ok with just playing with different kids all the time, but I know he's not, and I don't know how to fix this for him.









Any suggestions??


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

How about you enroll him in soccer, or t-ball or some sort of sport where he can meet other boys and then make play dates? Or of course there are art classes, music, boy scouts.


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## spmamma (Sep 2, 2007)

Have you asked your DS if he has any ideas on ways to make the situation better? This may not be popular... but have you asked him if he'd like to attend school? Or maybe if going to school is totally out of the question for you, can you join a homeschooling group so he can meet more kids?

I can totally relate to not having a lot of mom friends. We only have one car, so play groups are hard for us. My dear friends all live in other cities. And I have a hard time making new friends. Perhaps you can find a play group that you could join that would enable him to see a group of kids regularly, even if you're not tight with the moms? I know you don't drive, so getting places is tough. Does your town/city have a bus system? Or some other form of public transportation that you can take to get him to playgroups?


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## Liquesce (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purplemoon* 
How about you enroll him in soccer, or t-ball or some sort of sport where he can meet other boys and then make play dates? Or of course there are art classes, music, boy scouts.









:

It sounds like he needs organized activities for kids, not just to go places where kids go and hope he meets up with some. Sports, day camps, after school programs, child-targeted classes, park service programs, scouts/camp fire/etc, special interests clubs, etc.

Not sure how it would work with unschooling or your local district, but when I was homeschooling I was still welcome to enroll in my local district's extra-curricular activities, so while I was learning at home I was still in the photography club, etc. Might be worth looking in to as well if there's something that interests him.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

He's not super interested in sports right now... I've asked him if he'd like to join little league or something and he says, maybe at some point, but not right now







He really wants to go to an art class, which I cannot find ANY except for things at the museum which are for ages 4-5









He's had a little interest in karate, so I'll be looking into that soon now that we're in a better area for it.

Quote:

This may not be popular... but have you asked him if he'd like to attend school?
He was interested in the idea of school because he wanted to have recess. I told him that I'd be open to him going to school but after he found out he would have to sit in a desk and do worksheets and such he lost interest. I guess that wasn't worth a half hour of recess every day









There is an unschooling group for my state that I joined, but there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of activity. I've looked into homeschooling groups before but it seemed to be mostly religious, which I probably would not fit in to well&#8230;

Right now I'm thinking karate, and I'll try to find a playgroup. Though the ones I've heard of seem mostly geared towards younger kids who aren't yet in school.

Quote:

Perhaps you can find a play group that you could join that would enable him to see a group of kids regularly, even if you're not tight with the moms?
I know that a lot of the issue is my son wanting to have birthday parties with other kids







and I'd have to be tight enough with the other parents for things like that.

Thanks for the suggestions so far!


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Sometimes I've found that it's useful to join a group that may not be quite right anyway... we met some of our best KC friends in a HS group there, even though we didn't really "fit" in the group - we went to two activities, I think, and that was enough to start a friendship with a couple of kids. I didn't "fit in", but I was able to smile and knit and not say much.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Have you tried doing a Yahoo group or Meetup unschooling/homeschooling search for your area? I know my area has a very active Yahoo u/s and after much searching I've found an active secular h/s one. It's hard to find the right fit but worth it!

ETA don't let u/s vs h/s limit you--I think a lot of moms in my h/s group are actually u/s looking for group fun for their kids.


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

You don't have to be too tight with other parents to organize little parties etc. for your guy. I highly recommend a long-running programme that meets regularly. For example, my kids do St. John's Ambulance and they meet every week and the kids can keep on going until they're 110 years old if they want to.







: Also we can decide how much more involved we want to be or can be in addition to the weekly meetings. Sports and art classes etc. are great but usually the classes only run for a few weeks.

> when my kids do seem to 'click' with another kid that i know we won't be seeing again, I get very proactive about asking for the kid's number and then calling to offer to bring him/her along to something fun or whatever.

I don't know how you feel about boy scouts (I do not support boy scouts personally for a variety of reasons) but there are alternative organizations in many places. If there isn't a group like that you can start one! If there is particular interest your son and you would like to explore together--maybe a charitable cause or art project, a play or other performance--you could send out notice on a local unschooling board to see if other kids would be interested in joining in.


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## Kappa (Oct 15, 2007)

I think you should learn to drive and get a car.


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kappa* 
I think you should learn to drive and get a car.

That would be good too if it's doable for you.

Another thing I wanted to say is that I find that as my kids get older it becomes less and less important for me to jive closely with the parents of their playmates.


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## changingseasons (Mar 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kappa* 
I think you should learn to drive and get a car.











Maybe you should buy a fancier house too, so that all the kids will be begging to come over and play at your house. (Sorry for the sarcasm... obviously I don't know your reason for not driving, but I don't really think your driving or not driving is really the issue. Nor do I think that people should assume that you can just "learn to drive and buy a car" like no big deal. Like hey, why didn't I think of that?







)

PP's have already made really good suggestions, and I think that the karate is a fantastic idea.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kappa* 
I think you should learn to drive and get a car.

Did you ever consider that I might have a medical condition that makes driving dangerous for me? Or maybe I can't afford my own car? Or perhaps I just don't want to drive and would prefer to walk, or take public transportation, or have my husband take me where I need to go because that's the way I like it?

Thanks for the suggestion though


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *changingseasons* 
but I don't really think your driving or not driving is really the issue.


Yeah, it really isn't a huge issue at all. I'm not even sure why I mentioned it at all







Maybe if I wanted to be able to get somewhere and couldn't because I don't drive... That's not the case at all. I can get where I need to go, pretty easily.


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
Yeah, it really isn't a huge issue at all. I'm not even sure why I mentioned it at all







Maybe if I wanted to be able to get somewhere and couldn't because I don't drive... That's not the case at all. I can get where I need to go, pretty easily.

She might have been replying to the part in your OP where you mentioned that not driving was a hinderance to your forming friendships with other moms.


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## Kappa (Oct 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
Yeah, it really isn't a huge issue at all. I'm not even sure why I mentioned it at all







Maybe if I wanted to be able to get somewhere and couldn't because I don't drive... That's not the case at all. I can get where I need to go, pretty easily.

I scanned your post, and not driving stood out to me as something, at least in my world, would severely limit my options for socializing my child. I know many people who don't drive because of fear or they just never bothered. My BFF's little sister, of normal health and intelligence is the mother of one, a marine, and refuses to drive for some reason that she can't articulate. Her mother drives for her, so why should she, is her attitude. This is not uncommon. I also know another mother of one, who moved here to the US to marry her husband, and her husband pretty much won't bother to teach her to drive. She could take it upon herself to learn, but you have to have some one to drive you to the driving school, kwim? She wants to learn, but it is low priority for her, and even lower for her husband. I was just suggesting that learning to drive may relieve a big part of your problem that you described, but I obviously misread your post. I honestly thought that if you could just take PT anywhere your child needed to go, you would not have mentioned. Now you are saying it's no big deal, so cool.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

If you are going to help your son find friends, you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone in a big way.

You don't have to be close to your son's friends' parents. Yes, we all kind of idealize that, but that is simply not reality for many people. So that may mean hanging out with people that you're going to have to consciously be nice too even if you never would have picked them as friends.

Barring a medical condition, you may need to eventually learn how to drive or to get your partner to agree to do some driving, if your son cannot find friends within walking distance.

You could join a church (shop around UU if you don't do the religion thing). Many UU/other kinds of churches have children's groups/activities, and a lot of parents bring their kids but never darken the door on Sunday.

You could check out Campfire Boys and Girls, and perhaps see about starting a family meeting (at your home, if you like) if there's not one near enough. Generally once people start something, you'll have kids show up--if you are in charge of it, at least you get to know the kids.

It sounds like your son is asking for more consistancy than "let's hang out and see what happens", which it sounds like that's what you're used to and comfortable with. Now, I don't think it's horrible if you were to honestly say, "Son, I hear that's what you want but I just can't provide that for you right now."

But if you want to give it a go, just understand that it's not going to fall into your lap, it's probably not going to meet all of your best expectations (like that you'll be fast friends with the other moms), ect.

Is there anything you can cut out of your family's budget that would make up the difference between the kiddie art class and a bigger kid art class? Even if you homeschool, why not ask the district if you can participate in your neighborhood school after school activities (which are more often than not these days provided by a third party organization, since many schools don't have funding for that kind of thing anymore).

If you have an illness that precludes that though, I would be open and honest with your son about it, and try to offer him some choices that you are willing and/or able to provide to him.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamajama* 
She might have been replying to the part in your OP where you mentioned that not driving was a hinderance to your forming friendships with other moms.

True, though it's still doable even without me driving, unless I had to drive reaaaaally far, which I probably wouldn't bother with anyway. Everything worthwhile is within 50 miles so I'm all set there. But like I said in my OP, it's mainly fidning other moms I mesh with that's hard.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kappa* 
I scanned your post, and not driving stood out to me as something, at least in my world, would severely limit my options for socializing my child.

Yeah, that would definitely be an issue. But luckily where I'm at right now (the largest city in my state, though that's not saying much







) everything is right here, either within walking distance or a bus ride away, which I actually mostly prefer to driving. Outside of that I have DH to take me anywhere I need to go or my mom. I think if I really felt I needed to be driving to do what I want to do, it'd be a high priority for me. It's just not at the moment. Maybe someday. Right now it's not going to make much of a difference though for me or my son.

PS- sorry if I came off cranky before, I'm PMSing in a major way!


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

If you could start your own meetup.com group based on your son's interests? Does he like music? Movies? A type of book (Harry Potter, Trilogies)?

Playgroups for older children probably don't exist without finding a homeschool group. Most homeschoolers would accept unschoolers too, so look for that in your area.

My brother joined a chess club and made lots of friends (he wasn't the sports type of guy) perhaps you could start that? Even if it is only a couple of kids, it is a great start.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'd also like to add that where I'm from, people honestly aren't all that friendly! They seem to keep to themselves mostly or their own little groups. Colder climate, colder people I guess









But I'm willing to do anything to make my son's life better, even if it's not what I'm personally used to. I should also add this is totally new for him, not being content with just doing the park thing and such. That's why I'm brainstorming like crazy to find him things he'll enjoy!

Thanks so much for the great suggestions everyone. They're really helpful and have given me a lot to think about!


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## Kappa (Oct 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
Yeah, that would definitely be an issue. But luckily where I'm at right now (the largest city in my state, though that's not saying much







) everything is right here, either within walking distance or a bus ride away, which I actually mostly prefer to driving. Outside of that I have DH to take me anywhere I need to go or my mom. I think if I really felt I needed to be driving to do what I want to do, it'd be a high priority for me. It's just not at the moment. Maybe someday. Right now it's not going to make much of a difference though for me or my son.

PS- sorry if I came off *cranky before*, I'm PMSing in a major way!









Sorry I didn't soften my suggestion, or ask about limitations.


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

It's pretty age appropriate IME for him to want to be branching out like he is and forming some fast friendships. My kids are both public school kids and for DS1 who's now 9 that was the age for him and my 6yr old is starting to make noises on the subject himself. So I guess to answer your thread title question, no you are not damaging your son









There are some great suggestions on this thread! Good luck to you as you start yet another new journey (and not the last for certain) with your child!

ETA: oh hey I thought of another, if he's into gaming (cards like yugio or chaotic) at all, game shops have gaming nights where the kids sit around and, well, play with their cards. That might be something to explore?


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## SquishyKitty (Jun 10, 2005)

I would get him on a team or into some sort of lessons or classes, like everybody has suggested. DS loves his swim class, and it's not competitive at all. We do scouts, which for us hasn't been a bad thing, as DS has social issues, and it's a controlled setting where we can be there to help guide him if he needs it.

He's also done Tae Kwon Do in the past, which we loved, but with things like that, you really have to step back and allow the Master to take control. It's also very rigidly structured in some schools, so he may have a bit of a hard time adjusting to that at first.


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## RufusBeans (Mar 1, 2004)

we moved her 3 years ago and all the close friends I have here I've met at K's dance classes (subsequently K is good friends with their kids too), so I think if you pick an activity -esp one where the parents sit together in a room together while the kids do the activity- friends will happen. You'll talk to them each time you go, you son will talk to the same kids, you'll exchange phone numbers eventually. They'll call you guys to see if you want to go to the zoo, you'll ask them if they want to meet at the park...it will happen


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

I second (or third) the suggestion to get your son into some organized activities. It doesn't have to be sports. He could take art classes or yoga or get involved in Cub Scouts. You could see if your local rec center/Y/etc. has any classes or groups for kids his age. As a PP suggested, explore meetup.com and craigslist and see if you can find homeschooling groups or other activities he might like. If you participate in any sort of organized religion, you could see if there's a youth group at your place of worship. And you may need to step out of your comfort zone and do more work to find/befriend parents with kids your son's age.

I DO think you're potentially shortchanging him, to be honest. I don't think the problem is with home/unschooling, but with the lack of interaction with kids his own age--which can, of course, be remedied without going to traditional school.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kappa* 
I scanned your post, and not driving stood out to me as something, at least in my world, would severely limit my options for socializing my child. I know many people who don't drive because of fear or they just never bothered. My BFF's little sister, of normal health and intelligence is the mother of one, a marine, and refuses to drive for some reason that she can't articulate. Her mother drives for her, so why should she, is her attitude. This is not uncommon. I also know another mother of one, who moved here to the US to marry her husband, and her husband pretty much won't bother to teach her to drive. She could take it upon herself to learn, but you have to have some one to drive you to the driving school, kwim? She wants to learn, but it is low priority for her, and even lower for her husband. I was just suggesting that learning to drive may relieve a big part of your problem that you described, but I obviously misread your post. I honestly thought that if you could just take PT anywhere your child needed to go, you would not have mentioned. Now you are saying it's no big deal, so cool.

This totally made me laugh. I'm in my 30s and don't know how to drive. I've lived in big cities my whole adult life. Driving is completely unnecessary. Dd and I go everywhere by bus, subway, and foot. She goes to school, to the park, to museums, we've taken music and art classes, and so on. With great public transportation available to me, I feel the environmental and financial impact of having a car make driving not at all worth it. My child is certainly not suffering, though.

Oh, for the record: you often DON'T need someone to take you to the driving school. For adults, it's pretty easy to find driving instructors that come to your house and pick you up.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

I don't understand why you need to "mesh" with the parents of the children your child plays with. We can be "friendly" with all kinds of different people who have little in common with us. Try out some of the non-secular homeschool groups and just be nice to everyone and encouraging of your ds's search for friends. If it feels uncomfortable....act. Fake it till you make it. Church groups and volunteering made up a huge part of our social life when my kids were younger and it didn't really matter how alike or different we were. Now most of my kids friends parents are not people I want to hang out with but my kids are happy and that's my goal.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Your son's desire for friends is completely natural and it really is more than just about birthday parties.

I agree that you need to get him into some kind of organized activity. In my experience, if it's just taking a class, the kids may not interact all that much and my kids haven't made friends from classes so much, if the class is mostly instruction. So, if you can find something that's more interaction, that's better.

I wouldn't do boyscouts for political reasons, but something along those lines would be good. If you live in an area that has Y--Guides, that's a terrific way to make friends. It's through the YMCA, but you don't have to be a YMCA member to join.


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## JessieBird (Nov 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
If you are going to help your son find friends, you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone in a big way.

I agree with this completely and am going through this myself these days. I think a lot of women do as they enter a new stage in life, especially as they become a mom because there is then the well-being of someone else to think of. I agree with the pps who encouraged you to not limit yourself to groups you think you would fit in with. I truly believe that just about everyone worries that they won't fit in and somehow most of the time we all manage to find things in common. I think you may surprise yourself!

One "strategy" that really helped me was to find organized activities that are for both the parents and children (rather than groups that are only geared towards the kids, where parents are bystanders). This way, you know that the other moms you'll meet are probably also eager to meet new people. Don't be afraid to be the first to suggest that some of you go out for coffee after a class or playgroup - everyone always wants to go but most people are too shy to be the one who invites. Even if you don't think that you'll mesh with the other moms, like I said - I think you may be surprised! In a lot of places I go, I'm by far the crunchiest and sometimes this makes me really shy. However, once conversation starts flowing, other moms are often very interested in our way of doing things and vice versa, I can learn from them too.

I know I have focused entirely on you and not your son but my take on it is that raising your own social confidence and opening up your world will enable you to do the same for your son.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
True, though it's still doable even without me driving, unless I had to drive reaaaaally far, which I probably wouldn't bother with anyway. Everything worthwhile is within 50 miles so I'm all set there. But like I said in my OP, it's mainly fidning other moms I mesh with that's hard.









FYI, you don't have to mesh with the Mom's of your son's friends. Actually, most often you will NOT mesh.









My ds is in public school, but the two boys he is really good friends with, I actually can't stand their parents.







But I grin and bear it because ds's friendships are totally independent of mine, kwim?

I second the idea of karate, soccer - anything where he will be joining up with the same group of kids each week, or several times a week. He'll make friends, I'm sure! Just don't also expect to love their parents.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Just a few thoughts, kind of randomly, but this post is haunting me!

- this need of your son's is just as important as a lot of his other needs, so please do stick on it (and good for you for posting about it). This might be especially true if he ends up being more extroverted than you are.

- sometimes people mistake finding a group with finding great friends. Quite often you have to join a few groups where a number of people rub you a bit the wrong way to find the 3 or 4 really special friends who, over time, become your posse. Don't let perfection stand in the way of the good. Pretty much most groups you find will have potential friends in them.

- agreed on other comments that you don't have to like the other parents. And that at 7 activity-based groups can be great.

- for some reason the comment about worksheets and school stood out for me. I'm not anti-homeschooling, nor do I think homeschooled kids have "social problems" or whatever, and if HS is working in every other way I think it's a good idea to just look for extracurricular stuff. But I did want to share that not all schools are worksheet based and that if your son continues to grow into needs you can't provide in part because of not being able to transport him places, it might be okay to try the local school, or see if there's a school around that would let him attend part time or a sudbury-type school or something similar.

The reason I am saying this is that I have a child who despite being really young really seems extroverted in his own little way, and school (in our case Montessori/daycare) has been a 'lazy' way to meet that need. When he was a small baby I went to playgroups for me, but as he became a toddler he would get, I swear, depressed if we didn't go. Some kids just have that need and whether it's joining a HS group or a lot of activities or a school I personally think it's good to meet it. We chose the Montessori for other reasons but it has made that part of our family life easier because the school is meeting a need and then we can do other things.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

I know just how you feel. My ds is a similar age, also unschooled, and it's really hard on him to just play with random kids. He wants more lasting, continuous friendships. I drive him to parkdays that are 45 minutes to an hour away most weeks. It's ridiculous that we have so much trouble finding people willing to meet at playgrounds closer to home.

I have tried getting parkdays off the ground closer to us. I've organized meet ups at parks (mostly just came up with a plan that worked for me and posted it on the local yahoo list). If you can get to any parkdays, even if the group seems to be a bad fit, just go anyway. After an initial few times when you'll need to do some name exchanging and chit chat, you'll be able to fade back a bit, write some letters, knit, read, whatever. Try posting on the inactive unschoolers list now and then to see if anybody comes out of the woodwork. I just keep trying, even though I'm introverted and it's a big effort for me.

Since summer is starting, you might be able to find more activities in his age range.


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## sophiekat (Oct 29, 2005)

Another ditto that school is not all worksheets and sitting at desks. And if you're not willing or able to go outside your comfort zone or be around other parents you don't totally mesh with, then school might be the best place for your son to find friends.

I do think that at the age he is, learning social skills and making friends is vitally important -- so even if he isn't gung-ho about a sport or karate or scouts or whatever, just having the experience of trying something new and interacting with the other kids is valuable and will help him to step out of his comfort zone both now and in the future. And who knows, maybe he'll fall in love with soccer (or whatever). At least having a frame of reference for the game (or activity) can help him talk with others who are interested in it and learn something new.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

This is one of the long lists of reasons that I have never homeschooled my son. Though I did homeschool my daughter some. My ds is just "lost" without other folks around. He becomes almost morose in the summer time because so many kids are in day camps and he has trouble rounding up friends to hang with.

So yes, consider school. Or make a huge effort to find him some friends. If he's wired that way.. to be so social.. I do think it could be damaging to him to be without playmates so much of the time.


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## Areia (Mar 5, 2009)

I haven't read the entire thread, but if your son likes scout type of activities, an alternative to the Boy Scouts could be Sprial Scouts -- http://www.spiralscouts.org/. My daughter is too young right now, but I will be looking into them when she is older. It has a pagan bent, but is open to everyone.


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## egoldber (Nov 18, 2002)

I highly, highly recommend this book:

Good Friends are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make, and Keep Friends

It is literally a step by step guide to helping your child meet and make friends. As an introvert, I have found it incredibly helpful.


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## burke-a-bee (Jan 8, 2005)

I have had the same issues. My son today said he didn't like homeschooling because he didn't get to see any other kids besides his siblings. I know he would like it better if he had activities out of the house. Instead of sports might there be a science club at a museum.
I hear you on how hard it is to meet moms. I lived in one area for over 8 years and barely made a friend. No one I could call up to hang out with.


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## 4Blessings (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophiekat* 
Another ditto that school is not all worksheets and sitting at desks. And if you're not willing or able to go outside your comfort zone or be around other parents you don't totally mesh with, then school might be the best place for your son to find friends.


I've never considered giving up homeschooling because I don't like hanging out with the local homeschooling parents. If hs is working academically for the OP there are other ways to make friends besides ps.

We have given up trying to find a homeschooling group that works for us. Distance, religion, style, etc. and we live in a small town.

My boys (6 and 7) have found friends by hanging out in the neighborhood. They also participate in organized sports. It was slowing going when we first moved in but just hanging out on their bikes or in the yard brought out other boys.
I don't have to hang out with the neighborhood parents for my boys to get a chance to play freely in our yard. Just a little friendly chit chat now and then is all that is required









Good Luck!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

boy scouts and 4-H are big homeschool activities. also maybe something like Tae Kwo Do which is social but not a team sport. or even just a kids class at the YMCA. we have supervised playgrounds here which is free and provides for a lot of kid interaction. even if you don't join your local or state homeschool group I would give them a call and see what kind of activities they can steer you towards.

Have you considered driving? it would probably open up a whole lopt more oppritunities for activities (unless you have a good public transit system) but honestly I cannot imagine homeschooling without a car. we needed one for all the field trips and play dates and such.


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## bwylde (Feb 19, 2004)

What kind of area do you live in? We live in an apartment and DS has found by playing in the yard he is starting to make friends from the neighborhood.

I found classes were pointless for making friends as they don't get any time to socialize (actually they started playing in an empty room by their class after but they shut it down with big "Do Not Enter" signs). DS isn't into sports at all and we never find out about things until after the fact or things are quickly filled up. There are no homeschool groups around here (well, I belong to the one but no one does anything and don't seem to want to). DS does not want to go to school and I respect that (and yes, they are heaped with worksheets here; MIL works in his grade and brings home the stuff that they do. She left about 50 sheets they did over the last week yesterday. It's stuff he has known how to do for years and finds boring so it always ends up in the recycling).

In short, try to find solutions with him. You need to find what works for you as our suggestions may not work in your situation. Sometimes what seems might work may not but it doesn't hurt to try and be willing to work with him


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *egoldber* 
I highly, highly recommend this book:

Good Friends are Hard to Find: Help Your Child Find, Make, and Keep Friends

It is literally a step by step guide to helping your child meet and make friends. As an introvert, I have found it incredibly helpful.

I added this book to my Amazon wish list, thanks for the recommendation!

At this point in his life, my DS seems content with his friends at preschool but I know this circle will widen as he grows.

As I think forward to the time when he is going to prefer (or at least like equally) his little friends more than mommy and daddy, I wonder how I will handle that.

I had extremely close friends growing up and I want him to have the same positive experiences but when I think about _my_ part in that process, I get a little anixous.


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## snoopy5386 (May 6, 2005)

if he is not into sports how about scouting or 4-H?


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Wow, lots of new posts here! Let me try to add some more here









On school or the possibility of sending him- I'm not impressed with the public schools around here and I can't afford a waldorf school or any private school for that matter. I just don't feel like my son is a good fit for public schools. I don't think his needs would be met in a typical public school environment being the type of kid he is and how he enjoys learning. If he really, really wanted to go I'd certainly let him try. That's what unschooling is all about, going with the child's flow&#8230; So if that's what he needed, than I'd make sure he had the opportunity. But it's not something he seems to want right now. But anyway&#8230; I'm going off topic here.

*What kind of area do you live in?*

Currently I'm in the city. Though where I recently moved from, which was a suburban type neighborhood, kids just didn't go out and play and get to know their neighbors there either. That's what weird to be these days... play dates and arranging friendships. When I was a kid (oh here we go







) kids just met outside and played all day! The parents weren't involved at all. Everything is just so artificial and forced these days, but I'm willing to do it if that's what it takes.

I also wanted to add just one more thing. As for me needing to mesh with other parents, I'm afraid I might be coming off as a little picky here about who I'm willing to socialize with or let my son socialize with... That's not the case. I can mostly get along with anyone! I definitely have my beliefs and opinions on things but I'm very accepting of people who are different from me. My own personal experience has been like this- My son finds a child he really likes, mom is pretty friendly to me&#8230; conversation flows until we get to homeschooling and then she's like "ummm&#8230; oh"&#8230; and that's pretty much the end of it! And if you get any deeper into other things and then they really think I'm an odd one!







People who are more mainstream just don't seem to be so accepting to me, not the other way around. So it's often hard to be invloved with all different sorts of people.









And up until recently, I've been the "young mom" and because of that, the older moms snubbed me, and *most* of the younger momswere sooooooo sooo very unlike me that I just couldn't really deal with it. Sad but true.


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## PPK (Feb 15, 2007)

Vermillion said:


> Wow, lots of new posts here! Let me try to add some more here
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## lightheart (Jul 2, 2005)

Not that my sons (ages 5 and 6) have tons of close knit friends but they are starting to make friends (the older one makes the friends, the little guy just tags along and is the little brother rat that annoys) that they see all the time. We just moved in Dec. and came from rural where making friends was very difficult because there was so much distance and everything had to be totally arranged and planned, at least now things are closer although planning still comes into play, we picked a city sidewalk neighborhood to move to, but like you say kids just don't seem to be playing outside much.

I suck it up, so do they I guess, Some/most parents out there that I don't really mesh with, we get along well enough but I personally would not have the parents for 'my' friends if that makes sense. I trust some of them them to watch my kids at play-dates and the one person I don't I just make sure I am there also. The kids though hit it off, play well together and enjoy each other's company. Us parents will chit-chat about very neutral things or I will make myself preoccupied with doing something else, working in the yard, cleaning up the house, playing with the kids.

Where did I meet them, where did the kids meet? At the playground during one of our outings and I invited the kids to meet again. A random lady at the grocery store that had kids with her. Hang out anywhere that kids are present, playgrounds, zoos, museums, town events, the city bus, start talking to other parents... neutral neutral neutral! and let the kids interact, if it looks to maybe be someone who would mesh with your son, suggest a play-date at the park and give them your email address (make up a new one that you don't use all the time just in case you need to delete it







) or if your brave your phone number. I will tell you I have probably given my contact info out to tons of people and have only gotten a few folks that have responded back.









Looking back when I was a kid, I had some friends who's parents were totally not like my parents - completely different worlds but us kids played together. I'm sure it was awkward for my parents and theirs to interact but they did it somehow and I am trying to do the same for my kids... hold you tongue and talk about weather. My subject is gardening or sewing, if they will listen about my peas coming up or my tomatoes that I just staked fine, if they want to hear about my latest quilt colors, cool, if not I talk about them, I ask questions about their work, their life, find that I really need to know the recipe for what they made for dinner last night... basically I sit there not giving any opinions on much about me. I know that probably sounds really weird, but I know that if i really started talking about me and they really got to know me-me... who knows... maybe they would find me so outlandish for them to let our kids play together.... maybe not but at least it passes the time while the kids play. I figure in a few years when the kids are older that us parents won't be as involved in the play-dates other than 1 of us being there to supervise, hopefully the kids will find our house the cool spot to hang out and they will all want to come here









Wanted to add too that none of the friends are actually in class with our son, actually they are all in different grades, some older and some younger.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
I also wanted to add just one more thing. As for me needing to mesh with other parents, I'm afraid I might be coming off as a little picky here about who I'm willing to socialize with or let my son socialize with... That's not the case. I can mostly get along with anyone! I definitely have my beliefs and opinions on things but I'm very accepting of people who are different from me. My own personal experience has been like this- My son finds a child he really likes, mom is pretty friendly to me&#8230; conversation flows until we get to homeschooling and then she's like "ummm&#8230; oh"&#8230; and that's pretty much the end of it! And if you get any deeper into other things and then they really think I'm an odd one!







People who are more mainstream just don't seem to be so accepting to me, not the other way around. So it's often hard to be invloved with all different sorts of people.









I think you're giving too much information!

I lived in a small town for awhile, and people were pretty conservative there, and not very friendly. Even though a lot of my family lived there and I knew a lot of people, I still had a very hard time making any new friends (or friends for my kid). I finally figured out I had to be super aggressive about starting conversations at the park or wherever, and then super selective about what I shared about myself. I asked LOTS of questions about them, and their kids. And did lots of nodding and smiling and subject-changing.

I will also admit that I'm putting my dd in school for the friends. I have been able to find groups for her, and some friends for her, but I do not have the time or resources to ferry her around to visit all of them. Plus, we live in a rural area and only one friend is within walking/biking distance. So, I'm hoping it will be worth it!


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fuamami* 
I think you're giving too much information!

I don't think so, not lately anyway. These days it goes like this- Other mom asks what grade DS is in and I tell him he is homeschooled. I'm suddenly a weirdo and they shy away.

As for the deeper stuff, it's not so much an issue now that DS is older. For example, when extended nursing used to come up, because he was still nursing!... things like that. I've always been the weird mom.







I keep those things to myself now though.


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

We have a similar situation with our hs ds. Unfortunately, there's nothing organized that isn't at least an hour by bus, each way & we haven't had a car since we moved here (& didn't drive our previous one because we couldn't afford insurance). We did sign ds up for a couple things for hs'ers this year year, even though it was hard to get to & we missed about half of the classes, & he met a couple boys his age (twins) who we're going to get together with, hopefully on a semi-regular basis, as soon as I'm brave enough to take the bus with 3 kids...or I win a car.


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## Aufilia (Jul 31, 2007)

I ditto the suggestion of finding an after-school activity of some kind. I ran a 4-H club for 6 years before DD was born and had several home-schooled kids. Lots of people think of 4-H as being the program where you show cows, but my kids' project was cats (not even purebreed ones, just plain old housecats) and all my kids were city or suburban kids. Our county had lots of non-animal programs as well, like computers, cooking, performing arts, fine art; and other small animals like dogs and cavies (guinea pigs).

I ditto everyone else that with a 7-year-old, I don't see what making friends with other woman has to do with it. He's not at a playdate age anymore, he's at the age of drop-him-off-and-go and sleepovers and stuff.


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## lightheart (Jul 2, 2005)

This may be an off the wall suggestion, have you looked here on MDC in the Tribe area to see if there is anyone near you? maybe even put your location in your profile? what about changing your siggy for a week or so and add something about looking to form a IRL playgroup in your area for your son's age group, even if one of us might not be near we might have sisters, brothers or friends in your town.


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

We are dealing with this type of issue a bit with our DD who will be 6 next month. She is very extroverted and I am an introvert. I just don't have the energy to put together play dates all the time for her and it seems really hard to get together with people spontaneously. She wants to play with the neighbors and asks them all the time, but they are all very busy so they rarely seem to get an impromtu play session. It's rare to even get a scheduled play date with them.

She currently does a weekly theater class which she loves and she's made a friend there but they also have a busy schedule. DD has also been doing a homeschool class at our YMCA but she no longer enjoys it so we won't be signing up again next time. She did get invited to a party from someone at the Y class, but we haven't really got to know anyone there.

I did join a homeschool group which is very good and has all types of people and they're active, but it still comes down to me arranging to go to park days or other activities and it's often different kids each time. Plus it seems a little hard to get to know people at the park days (even for DD - it's such a limited block of time and it's very frenetic).

The best activity in the homeschool group for us was a camping trip they did. DH was sick and couldn't go so it was just me and DD. We got to know a few families enough to where I'd recognize them at the parent meetings and park dates. I think if I had been able to attend more park dates and parent meetings, maybe we'd have made enough friends for DD, but I just can't do all that right now, so we're looking into other options.

We are currently looking into sending DD to a Sudbury styled school so DD will have a chance to make friends with a regular group of people without everything being structured as in her classes. They're philosophy is consistent with unschooling, so it's a match in that respect. She went this week as part of a visiting week and so far really likes it. If we decide to enroll it will likely be part-time at this point. And we'll encourage her to continue with her theater classes or try new activities. I may keep my membership in the homeschool group as well.

I hope you find something that works for you. And I am hoping that the Sudbury school works out for us.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Is there a regular story time for school age children at your local library? If so, that may be a way to meet people on a regular basis. If your city has a community center they may do things for kids that range from sports to theater and art and that may also be a good way to help him make regular friends. Swimming lessons are also offered at some local pools during the summer and swimming may interest him even if other sporty types of activities don't. If you can get a season pass to your local pool and go around the same time every day you may find some kids who do the same thing that way and you may make friends yourself.

If all else fails, I think you should join a homeschool coop even if you aren't fond of the religious stuff. You can discuss beliefs that he hears there. I find my dd really loves her religious friends and their religion doesn't hinder their relationship. You might also consider just telling them the grade level you think your son is learning at for his grade so the conversation can keep flowing and their parents don't decide that you aren't someone to associate with because of your homeschooling choice. Homeschoolers are often viewed as over the top, very very religious (and prostelityzing)people, and that isn't a popular thing to be in our society. You seem not to want to associate with groups that you view as religious homeschool groups, and that is the view many people have. If they get a chance to know that isn't what you are they may be more willing to let their kids play with yours.


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

Somehow I missed your other post before I posted. Sorry.

I think that posting something on MDC in your Tribal Area would be a good idea. DD's best pal is the DS of a woman I met through MDC. We've become friends, too. I know there are a lot of MDCers from my area who homeschool. Of course, homeschooling is common enough out here that people don't even look at me like I have three heads.

I was actually worried about people's reaction to our looking into Sudbury, but oddly enough my family and few mainstream friends seem almost relieved that DD might go to a "school." Whatever - this school seems more radical US than we are at home.

And I understand about finances. I am hoping we can afford the cost of the Sudbury school because DD seems like she really wants to go there. They do have financial aid, but I don't think we'd qualify. If there was an alternative school you thought might work for your DS, perhaps they might also have financial aid? Just a thought.

Hugs. BTW, I don't think you are damaging your son - you are aware there is an issue and are working to deal with it to meet his needs. Good luck!


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

A quick update and then I will read the new posts









I have an online friend who I get along with really well who is close by who has a son a little younger than mine and we're currently making arrangements to meet soon! We hadn't met previously because I was a little too far away to get together regularly before but now I'm not. So hopefully the boys mesh will well and a friendship can form there.

I'm also looking into spiral scouts, something I've wanted to do for a while but it's been slow forming local chapters. Hopefully something will work out with that soon.

DS is thinking about an activity that he'd like to do, so we'll go from there. I'm also thinking about checking out some local UU churches as well. Thet seem like they'd be a good fit for us.

Just one more thing I wanted to add, as I don't want anything thinking the poor kid is isolated or anything! Socially he is fine, gets along with everyone and makes "friends" easily, He has lots of opportunities to play with kids several days a week, it's just finding more than 1 day friends that's been challenging, but hopefully that will change soon. Now that I know it matters to him (he only recently brought this up) I will be much more proactive about it!


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 

If all else fails, I think you should join a homeschool coop even if you aren't fond of the religious stuff. You can discuss beliefs that he hears there. I find my dd really loves her religious friends and their religion doesn't hinder their relationship.

That would be so nice, but it hasn't been my experience unfortunately... Me personally, I have no problem socializing with people of any religion. I'm interested in all of it! As for them wanting to socialize with me, well... that's a different story! I'm a Pagan/Buddhist leaning mama which hasn't gone over well with a lot of people I've met. If I could find people who were cool with my beliefs and had no issue socializing with me/my child despite religious beliefs, I'd be very happy!

I will look into a again though, see what's around.

Oh, and no library stuff for kids DS's age, it's also toddler time type stuff.


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
My son just turned 7, and is unschooled. He's at the age now where he's really wanting friends and I feel terrible because he doesn't have any







I have NO mom friends, and the only other child my son has had interaction with on a regular basis is my stepson of the same age, which wasn't always positive for my son but it was someone to play with when they got along. We had SS full time until recently and for reasons I care not to go into my son will not be having interaction with him for the time being&#8230;

Anyway, I feel awful about this. We go to the park and we recently moved to an area with a children's museum close by, so I will be buying us a pass for there, but other than that I'm not sure what I can do. He wants friends, regular friends, not just random playmates here and there and I just don't know if that's going to happen with him not being in school and me not having any mom friends.

I've tried to make friends with other moms, but it's hard as I don't drive (but DH does) and mainly the fact that I don't often "mesh" well with most of the women I meet. I've never been much of a girl's girl and that hasn't changed since becoming a mom unfortunately. Not that I wouldn't like to have mom friends! It just doesn't seem ever go beyond a short conversation at a playground.

This would be ok if I felt like my son was ok with just playing with different kids all the time, but I know he's not, and I don't know how to fix this for him.









Any suggestions??


Havent read any replies but heres my input:

going to school doesnt guarentee he will make friends.

I reccomend two books:
"Hold onto your kids: why parents need to matter more than peers" and
"the well adjusted child: the social benefits of homeschooling"

Let me tell you, no matter how many kids I was thrown togather with, I only had one or two CLOSE friends and still do. Just dont give up, give him oppurtunites to socialize and dont put too much pressure. Remember, he is socializing with adults, Im not a fan or beleiver in "peer group socialization" for a lot of reasons.

I was in the same boat awhile back feeling that six yr old dd wanted friends and only had a cousin she was close to, but that child wasnt necisarily good for her....

I luckily met a mom I really like; just keep trying, I joined a hs group that I didnt even like but that didnt work out....in the book hold onto your kids, it talks about why its important for kids friendships to come out of an extention of thier relationship with you and when I look back, my 17yr old didnt have his "own" friends. He had a cousin and my bestfriends kids. Cuz thats who WE socialized with. He had all girls too and he turned out ok. Im not saying its not important. Im saying that it works best if you find families in common (you like the mom, the kids all ike each other) and that just takes time and luck. I met my one mom friend at mcdonalds and she almost NEVER takes her kids there, so it was pure chance. And I had to push myself beyond my comfort zone and ask for her number. I cant count how many moms Ive chatted with in public places then never seen again. A simple, "hey, can I ahve your number and maybe we can get togather again?" goes a long way........

dont know if any of tha twas helpful. Good luck! If you lived in north texas Id set up a playdate with you!!


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

It's almost summertime, what about looking into local Daycamps? Our area has art camps, museum camps, yoga, sports, hiking, drama etc for his age group. Maybe there's one he would like.

As for the HS group not wanting to socialize with you, you could always go and take a book or craft project, let your child play with other kids while you read/work. Not ideal, but things rarely are. Good luck!


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## sunshadow (May 17, 2009)

Is there a library with a story time program for kids his age near by? Usually the same people go every week, so he can be with you while meeting other kids slowly.

You could try and find a mom with a kid his age that he gets along with and swap baby sitting every once in awhile. They watch him one evening and you watch their kid one evening. You don't have to be best friends with the mom to do that.


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

How about signing him up for day camp this summer? Most states have tons of different options to fit your DC interest whether it is nature, science, language, acting, music, etc. My DS did a week of pirate camp at a local private school last summer. Lots of field trips and art projects as well as free play time with costumes, reading time, etc.

I just noticed you mentioned a Children's Museum. Do they run any day camps during the summer? If he meets some kids he enjoys, encourage him to get contact info so they can get together after camp ends.

He is also at the age now where he can play at other's houses without you constantly present. You can get to know the parents enough to feel comfortable but don't have to feel pressure to be close friends.


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## Luvable_Mommy (Apr 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 

I've tried to make friends with other moms, but it's hard as I don't drive (but DH does) and mainly the fact that I don't often "mesh" well with most of the women I meet. I've never been much of a girl's girl and that hasn't changed since becoming a mom unfortunately. Not that I wouldn't like to have mom friends! It just doesn't seem ever go beyond a short conversation at a playground.


I don't really have any great suggestions as I don't really know much (if anything) about h/s or u/s... other than what I just googled so I could figure out what you were talking about.







:

But I did however want to let you know that in regards to the above quote. I am exactly the same, always have been and always will be.

I will take my son to the park and have minimal conversation with other moms and when I do have to force a conversation I just keep it polite and brief and go off acting like I am going to talk to my son.

The other alternative is to find the single dad's in the group.... I click better with them


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## RunnerDuck (Sep 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spmamma* 
Have you asked your DS if he has any ideas on ways to make the situation better? This may not be popular... but have you asked him if he'd like to attend school? Or maybe if going to school is totally out of the question for you, can you join a homeschooling group so he can meet more kids?

I can totally relate to not having a lot of mom friends. We only have one car, so play groups are hard for us. My dear friends all live in other cities. And I have a hard time making new friends. Perhaps you can find a play group that you could join that would enable him to see a group of kids regularly, even if you're not tight with the moms? I know you don't drive, so getting places is tough. Does your town/city have a bus system? Or some other form of public transportation that you can take to get him to playgroups?

I find this thread comforting.









We moved back to PA from CA last fall and I left some great friends there. Here, I have a few old friends... but most people have left. I feel very friendless and am also slow to make new friends. I'm very socially akward...

I had hoped preschool would mean new friends for us and it has... but it hasn't been as great as I hoped. There's really only 2 kids/moms we've gotten out of that... and that was after sending him to a local preschool I wasn't really nuts over, hoping to meet more LOCAL people - well it turns out lots of people love this preschool and come from all over to attend so some people aren't even that close. I find it crazy... I don't think my son is crazy gifted or anything but I found this place way beneath his abilities (he should have been in kingergarten but CA and PA have different cut offs so he had to do a 3rd year of preschool, maybe I'd have thought any place was beneath him...)

ANYWAY - school may or may not help you anyway. Personally I am a fan of school but I can't cay for sure it will help you so...

Other friends we have made here - a neighbor with 6yo boy who I am still feeling my way around... does she like me? Does she not? ... another neighbor with 2 girls who is nice enough but lives further down the street... a neighbor who has a grandson who is sometimes over... but the best we have met, really, are another mom/boy at the park (they were there alone... I find moms/kids here tend to go to the park in packs and you're SOL if you're not in the in crowd that day) and a mom with a 5yo and 1yo twins whose MOTHER I met at the play area at the mall - weirdest thing ever IMO. She was there with the 5yo and we got to talking and she was like you should meet my daughter so I gave her my email...

I also once met a really nice lady at the science center with kids my age but she lives 2 hours away so...

Yeah. School... may or may not help... I think you tend to meet people in random places when you're just meant to meet them... sometimes.

Man. I am so glad to hear/read other people have trouble making friends. I don't really feel like there is anything wrong with me per say but it's like everyone else already knows each other, how do I get in? Some moms are clearly snooty and standoffish but ... they can't ALL be. I do have friends... they're just scattered. I need new, good, local friends. Why is it so hard?


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## flightgoddess (Mar 4, 2009)

Well, my advice is not from direct personal experience, my son is only 9 mo







But in jr high and high school band, there were two kids that were homeschooled but came to school everyday to participate in band rehersals and lessons. Maybe your son is interested in music? Private lessons are sometimes expensive, maybe there is something you could barter with the teacher? Or there are group lessons? Or is there a college/university nearby with a music department? Students can give inexpensive lessons too. Or maybe he likes singing, there is always boys/kids choir. Music would be something that can grow with him and he could participate with the school programs, when he's a little older, like some homeschoolers do.

What about the YMCA? Or local community center? They have afterschool programs with lots of kids. Campfire, Boys and Girls Club are good alternatives to Boy Scouts, though I think boyscouts are good too.

Research schools more, maybe you can find an alternative program. One local private school here in MN did away with chairs. Kids now sit on ergonomic balls, stand, or move around the class room as they like. Have you looked into Montessori or Waldorf education? The philosophy and structure is VERY different from mainstream public school.


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamajama* 
She might have been replying to the part in your OP where you mentioned that not driving was a hinderance to your forming friendships with other moms.

Yep, that's what I thought. I could not get my kids to any of their activities if I didn't drive, so they would just about never get to mix with other kids. I don't think anyone was being unfair - just trying to help.

I agree that you sometimes need to step out of your comfort zone and mix with people who may not be your first choice, in order to get ultimately what you and your child want.

Are there any homeschool yahoo groups in your area. We have several and you can find gruops, classes, field trips etc there. It's amazing how we ended up recognizing some families because their kids were in soem of these activities. Then suddenly, my kids were telling me "there's our friend C!" when they spotted someone familiar. It's easy on these trips to then organize to meet a mum at a park or for a playdate.

But my main way of finding activities for my kids that I want them to do with other kids is to organize them, then post them on a yahoo group and get others to join me. We've done field trips (some of them free, so I'm not talking about spending $$s), organized classes, and one-off events. Find something that interests your son, like a speaker who will come to your home to do a demonstration - again, if $$s are an issue, find a free one. Then post it on a yahoo group and invite x kids of your son's approximate age to attend. In our area, these events fill immediately!

Once you get to know a few families and identify who your son feels comfortable with, talk to them directly about what thngs they do and what they'd be interested in you organizing.

It takes effort, but ime that's what you need to do. Good luck!


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## LindyLou (May 4, 2004)

Do you have a zoo nearby? Our zoo offers classes for homeschoolers.


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## 2cutiekitties (Dec 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
I'd also like to add that where I'm from, people honestly aren't all that friendly! They seem to keep to themselves mostly or their own little groups. Colder climate, colder people I guess









No - you find that everywhere. I am in (metro) GA, where it isnt cold, and it is the same way. I think it is the sprawl factor, because it was also like that in San Diego metro, where the sprawl is also large covering. And then if you go to a small town, it is because you are an outsider. Sigh, it is always something. I have noticed that the people who are friendly with each other know each other from church or the childs school. My son is 2, and we dont have either and are in the exact same boat as you, but I drive.

Sucks.


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## KnitLady (Jul 6, 2006)

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if this is a repeat.

I don't know where you live, but in my county, the county has recreational classes for most anything you can think of. Some are just for children and some are for adults, and some are for anyone.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
I don't think so, not lately anyway. These days it goes like this- Other mom asks what grade DS is in and I tell him he is homeschooled. I'm suddenly a weirdo and they shy away.

As for the deeper stuff, it's not so much an issue now that DS is older. For example, when extended nursing used to come up, because he was still nursing!... things like that. I've always been the weird mom.







I keep those things to myself now though.

Oh, geez! That is close-minded.

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Originally Posted by *Vermillion* 
That would be so nice, but it hasn't been my experience unfortunately... Me personally, I have no problem socializing with people of any religion. I'm interested in all of it! As for them wanting to socialize with me, well... that's a different story! I'm a Pagan/Buddhist leaning mama which hasn't gone over well with a lot of people I've met. If I could find people who were cool with my beliefs and had no issue socializing with me/my child despite religious beliefs, I'd be very happy!

So are they asking you what religion you are? Or are you volunteering? I have some hs friends who are uber-Christians, but I have never mentioned to them that I am a total and complete atheist. When they start talking about signs from God and whatnot, I just smile and say, "Oh, that's great!" But I would be surprised if anyone around here asked, so that might be a difference.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

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Originally Posted by *purplemoon* 
How about you enroll him in soccer, or t-ball or some sort of sport where he can meet other boys and then make play dates? Or of course there are art classes, music, boy scouts.

These are great ideas.

Are you part of a homeschool group? That's a great way to meet people. If we didn't have a homeschool group to be a part of and lots of extra stuff like PE for homeschool, art and music then my kids would probably go back to school because we live in the country, no neighbors whatsoever, we don't attend a church. They can only meet people at functions we go to on purpose.

The friends that my kids had while they were in a school weren't really their true friends. We found that out when we switched to homeschooling.







We meet many people in life and friends don't always have to be our own age. So yes, I think it's fine if your child makes friends on visits to the park. My 7 yr old is very friendly/outgoing and makes a new friend everywhere she goes.


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## Landover (Oct 12, 2007)

I actually read the whole thread (which I rarely do for time sake







) because it has been very interesting to me. I guess I am a little confused. So every mom you meet is close minded and rude to you because you aren't Christian, you EN, and you HS? Why is your religion even coming up in a social setting where your kid is just playing with another kid? If your son has not been in any activities in the area yet, where have all of these terrible encounters been going on to such an extent that it has made you decide that all of the moms in your area will not mesh with you?

It also seems like you are doing a lot more "thinking about" things and waiting on things to be perfect and in full swing until you start. How long does it take to call you local karate class and enroll him?

I am not trying to be rude, but I really feel for you kiddo. In all honesty, it sounds to me like you might be a little (yep, I'm gonna say it) paranoid and think that others are judging you and it is hindering your son.

Sign you little guy up for some activities so he can make some friends. It is really important for him to make and keep a peer group. When you meet the other moms (if you ever do) just be nice. You don't need to bring a statue of Buddha or a picture of you nursing a five year old. Just hang out and be cool







I am quite sure you will find some moms who can stand you long enough to let your kids be friends.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

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Originally Posted by *Kappa* 
I think you should learn to drive and get a car.

That was sort of what I was thinking, only because your OP made it seem like that was one of the reasons you don't do many things with your son. It's great that you feel like it doesn't hinder your getting places.









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Originally Posted by *Britishmum* 
But my main way of finding activities for my kids that I want them to do with other kids is to organize them, then post them on a yahoo group and get others to join me. We've done field trips (some of them free, so I'm not talking about spending $$s), organized classes, and one-off events. Find something that interests your son, like a speaker who will come to your home to do a demonstration - again, if $$s are an issue, find a free one. Then post it on a yahoo group and invite x kids of your son's approximate age to attend. In our area, these events fill immediately!

Yes, absolutely, that is the type of thing I have done. I saw that you are waiting for a Spiral Scouts troop to materialize...the reason it hasn't yet, is that no one has volunteered to lead it yet...so, why don't you do it? That way, you can control where it meets, when, etc., so that the locations work for you and around your transportation issues. Then post the group on non-religious homeschool groups, start your own Yahoo and/or Google Group for it, post it on MeetUp.com and on MDC, and voila, I bet people will show up!

You can simply invite people to a nearby location for a playgroup. If you figure out some kind of fun activity (kickball, a craft, a "wheels day" where kids bring scooters, bikes, rollerblades, etc., or a fire truck visit), then you will be encouraging more people to show up.

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Originally Posted by *Landover* 
I actually read the whole thread (which I rarely do for time sake







) because it has been very interesting to me. I guess I am a little confused. So every mom you meet is close minded and rude to you because you aren't Christian, you EN, and you HS? Why is your religion even coming up in a social setting where your kid is just playing with another kid? If your son has not been in any activities in the area yet, where have all of these terrible encounters been going on to such an extent that it has made you decide that all of the moms in your area will not mesh with you?

It also seems like you are doing a lot more "thinking about" things and waiting on things to be perfect and in full swing until you start. How long does it take to call you local karate class and enroll him?

I am not trying to be rude, but I really feel for you kiddo. In all honesty, it sounds to me like you might be a little (yep, I'm gonna say it) paranoid and think that others are judging you and it is hindering your son.

Sign you little guy up for some activities so he can make some friends. It is really important for him to make and keep a peer group. When you meet the other moms (if you ever do) just be nice. You don't need to bring a statue of Buddha or a picture of you nursing a five year old. Just hang out and be cool







I am quite sure you will find some moms who can stand you long enough to let your kids be friends.









I was thinking all of this while reading the thread, too. I guess it's a personal pet peeve of mine, because I have spent YEARS organizing and leading various groups (moms clubs, roots & shoots, inclusive homeschool group) and it DRIVES ME NUTS when people say we are all cliquey and unfriendly because it seems like the most ridiculous statement. I mean, if we were cliquey and unfriendly, why in the world would we be in a group, promoting for new members? Why not just have our private, unadvertised get-togethers, instead?!? Sure, a religious homeschool group with a statement of faith is not going to be a good fit for you, but you said that "most" are religious, not all, so to me, that means that there are some that would be happy to have you join.

Just from the perspective of someone who is VERY active in our group and goes to almost everything, I get very tired of meeting 20-30 new moms every year, trying to connect with each one, say hello, ask a few introductory questions to make them feel welcome and comfy, when I only end up seeing 5 or 10 of them ever again (if I'm lucky). Every once in a while, I'm sure I don't manage to spend that time with a new person at park day, and I'm hoping that others are, but if no one really does get a chance for more than a cursory smile or hello, that doesn't mean we aren't friendly, it might just mean that we are all busy, distracted, or possibly, don't even realize that you are a new or visiting member (instead of a random person, or an out-of-town guest of one of our members).

Perhaps, OP, if you think of it from the other side, you will see that instant connections don't happen very often, but if you go to some of these groups repeatedly (5-10 times), you will start seeing some of the same people over and over again, and sooner or later, you WILL start meeting people who you find to be pleasant and friendly and chat-worthy...and you might even end up finding a GREAT friend.

Please remember that everyone else in the group is there so that their children can make friends. Every one. Just give them and your son some time. I know my 7 year old unschooled child has had dozens of good friends, and regularly sees children she has known for a year or more, and she is very happy for it. I don't think that all children need as much of it as she has, but she would actually like even more, so I feel for your son and hope you are able to give him what he wants and needs a little more effectively in this regard.

Good luck!

Sorry for the excessively long post...


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

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Originally Posted by *Landover* 
So every mom you meet is close minded and rude to you because you aren't Christian, you EN, and you HS? Why is your religion even coming up in a social setting where your kid is just playing with another kid? If your son has not been in any activities in the area yet, where have all of these terrible encounters been going on to such an extent that it has made you decide that all of the moms in your area will not mesh with you?

He hasn't been in "formal" activities but he goes out to parks and such on a regular basis. Religion has only come up with Christian homeschoolers who I've met, and they've asked me straight out if I'm Christian! Other than that, my beliefs don't come up. I mean, unless you count the Buddha tattoo on my forehead, 'cause you know, it got awkward carrying the statue around everywhere!









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It also seems like you are doing a lot more "thinking about" things and waiting on things to be perfect and in full swing until you start. How long does it take to call you local karate class and enroll him?
Well, this is a very new issue, so I haven't been sitting on it for years or anything! I've been getting right on things this week figuring out what my DS wants to do!

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I am not trying to be rude, but I really feel for you kiddo. In all honesty, it sounds to me like you might be a little (yep, I'm gonna say it) paranoid and think that others are judging you and it is hindering your son.
Paranoid? Not so much. And I'm not all that worried about what people think about ME, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered to ask for suggestions here as knew that I'd get ALL sorts of responses. But that's cool! I did ask for opinions after all!









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Sign you little guy up for some activities so he can make some friends. It is really important for him to make and keep a peer group.
Getting that ball rolling right now









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When you meet the other moms (if you ever do) just be nice. You don't need to bring a statue of Buddha or a picture of you nursing a five year old. Just hang out and be cool







I am quite sure you will find some moms who can stand you long enough to let your kids be friends.








Thanks so much!


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