# "Godspeed"



## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

I need to post this tonight...just looking for hugs, support, or maybe someone who understands how confusing my emotions about this are.

While I was pregnant with Noah & Ryan, as many of you know, I was slowly but surely *trying* to come to terms with (yeah right) and "plan for" the fact that Noah wouldn't survive IF he even made it to birth.

I called NILMDTS and got information about how they operate, as well as how and when to contact them after the birth.

I got information from the hospital and from my docs about how stillbirths or neonatal deaths are handled.

I planned for a few special "twin" moments between my boys, figuring that they would be the only time in Ryan's life that he'd ever get to BE a twin, experience that, and be with his brother.

The list could go on and on...I had many things lined up to "prepare" for Noah's death.









The hardest thing for me was thinking about how I wanted to honor his short life. I had decided that a memorial was extremely important to me, and planned just a few things about that.

One of the things that I was SURE of was what song I would play at his memorial. It's been one of my favorites for a long time (since it came out) and I've daydreamed on many occasions about singing this lullaby to my baby boy when he was born (daydreams that started LONG before these babies were conceived).

The song is called "Godspeed" by the Dixie Chicks. I love the song because it's sweet and calming, and I figured that it would be a wonderful, soothing lullaby. But when I realized (was told) that Noah wouldn't live, I immediately thought of the song, and the lyrics just made me bawl.







The lyrics seemed as though they had been written for this very situation...

The lyrics are below. Just as a warning, they're pretty sad if taken in the light of infant death or stillbirth.









_Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams_

I listened to this song many times throughout the months of my pregnancy, sort of as a tribute (?) to Noah...to my little sweet peanut who I was told would only be with me in my life for such a short time. It was one of the ways that I bonded with him...and I even sang him his lullaby as I had dreamed of...just never imagined that my only opportunity to sing him this lullaby would be in utero.







I am crying just remembering this...I would sit at home and just hold my belly and sing this song to my precious baby boys who were fighting so hard for their lives inside of me.







This song became my special attachment to Noah...and I knew that it would forever signify the love I had for *him* specifically.

Well, as you all know, my angel baby Noah did NOT die as expected, but is doing extraordinarily well in the NICU.














Ryan's doing well, but very sick...but BOTH boys are alive, against all odds. There is no icon expressive enough to convey the joy I have about this outcome.

However, driving home from the NICU tonight, this song came on (from a CD I forgot was in my car). I had to pull the car off the highway because I was bawling so hard I couldn't breathe. I almost threw up, I was crying so hard. It just brought it all flooding back...all those months of heartbreak, worry, fear, love...all that pain I had, all the grief I had. And yet...for what? I didn't LOSE these babies...Noah DIDN'T die. Why is it that I'm still having this grief reaction??

I know the answer is that it's a "post-traumatic" reaction...I know that's true. I was told to plan for my baby's death. I DID plan for my baby's death, insofar as any mom can "plan" for that. It just makes me so sad to look at Noah and realize that I had FUNERAL arrangements made out for him...to hear that song and realize that it was supposed to be his MEMORIAL SERVICE song.







And all the while that it makes me sad, it also makes me feel so lucky and grateful that I can barely breathe.

So. I needed to share because...no one else in my life could understand the complexity of my feelings about this song. Music is so important to me, and helps me process my feelings...I'm just hopeful that I can process this grief so that in time, this song can return to being my sweet lullaby for my living baby boys rather than the music I chose for my child's funeral.









Thanks for listening.

Claire


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## Bubblette (Apr 26, 2009)

the giantest biggest hugs for you mama!

I've been following you since the beginning. You and your boys are such an inspiration.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)




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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

You know when he's older, I expect you'll have a very special mother-son conversation where you can tell him what this song was going to be, and all about your emotions following his birth. I think he will be extremely touched and it will be a very bonding moment for you both.

I feel uplifter every single day when I think of you and your boys. I really do hope Ryan dramatically improves VERY soon as well, mama. Hopefully this phase in their lives will be over soon, and you'll be able to have them home with you, warm, beautiful and thriving. I can't wait until they smile for the first time, mama.









*HUGE hugs* XXXXXX


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Huge







s Claire. I have followed you and your boys and am still praying for all of you.

Hope Ryan is getting stronger each day and so glad that Noah is here with you. Someday Noah can show these Drs that he beat the odds, he is truly a miracle!

Take care and enjoy your sweet babies.

Jen


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I think you know how deeply I feel for this experience you are having with your tiny sweet babies. Even though they are here, you are still so worried....Of course you must be allowed to crack over all the emotionality of it. You won't ever take them for granted...no sir. no way!

Your sweet babies are here....and Noah...he was meant to stay. No matter what the odds.










I can't wait for you to be able to bring them home...where they belong.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

I agree that it will be a beautiful bonding story you will one day share with him.

You are a lucky woman and you know that but in NO WAY does that mean you don't have the right to your emotions!

My story is different (we didnt' know my son was going to have a life threatening defect until he was a day old) but I know what you mean about the COMPLEXITY of the emotions...it's so raw and like a roller coaster.

HUGS MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

mama


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

That's beautiful, Claire. The Dixie Chicks song, "Lullaby," makes me think of Soren, and I don't even listen to much in the way of country music. I can't get past the line "How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough?" without crying.

You know, I think about how hard this current pregnancy is for me. How hard it is ever find a sense of peace or a moment when I feel like everything just might turn out okay. I think about how hard that is and I don't even, yet, have any medical reason (beyond losing Soren, of course) to believe it won't turn out okay. I can't imagine how much harder each day of your pregnancy with Ryan and Noah must have been. First, coming into the pregnancy already having been through loss, then losing two of their wombmates early in the pregnancy. Then being told to prepare yourself to lose Noah, if not both babies. The mental picture that comes into my mind is of walking a tightrope above a great fiery pit-- trying to hold on to hope, while knowing that at any moment, you could be shoved off that rope, even being told that it was likely you would be. And, then having to go through having two tiny babies in the NICU, two little babies who faced and face so many hurdles. As I think I said in an earlier post, you haven't been free from worry for months. I can't imagine that you wouldn't be traumatized by all of that







.

I think it's amazing and beautiful that you did so much to prepare yourself (to whatever extent one can) to lose Noah and I'm so very







happy for you that the doctor's prediction, thus far, has been proven wrong. Maybe your reaction to the song was so strong right now because, with Noah, you're beginning to see the other side, beginning to really believe that you will get to keep your baby and maybe starting to emotionally decompress a little bit? Don't get me wrong, I would imagine it's probably going take a long time for you to work through your trauma from this, especially since, in many ways, you're still in the middle of it. I will continue to keep you and your boys in my thoughts and hope that they get bigger and stronger everyday and that, soon, you'll be able to just breathe and enjoy your babies.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

I love the song Claire, I listened to that when I lost Joslyn too, even though she was a girl. I think what you are feeling now is the emotions that you tried to hold back when you were trying to be strong (when you WERE strong!) and just try and appreciate him while he was "still here" so to speak. You thought he wasn't going to make it, so you were trying your hardest to bond with him while he was in your tummy. I know whenever I stress out the full effect doesn't hit me until it's over and I get some relief. I was strong for so long and now those feelings need out!
It is so wonderful that Noah beat the odds. But you're still allowed to grieve. You're falling more and more in love with him and his brother every day and it's so hard to imagine your life without them now, isn't it? So, going back to the song and the arrangements can just make you feel sick. Someday you and Noah will be able to talk about this and you'll be able to tell him just how strong your family is. What a proud moment that will be.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I've never heard it and burst into tears just reading the lyrics!









Thank you for sharing it.

I'm always sending so much love to you and your babies.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

..


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## sadkitty (Jun 24, 2004)

I am listening to that song now. And sobbing. We are not religious, but damn that hits you right in the heart. Thanks for sharing and very best hopes and wishes to your little guys.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Oh wow. I think that was the most beautiful thing I've ever read. Your boys will be in my prayers and I can't wait until you are singing them that lullaby in your own home with them in your arms


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## Hokulele (Mar 2, 2005)

Another one here, sobbing at my keyboard. Thank you for your beautiful post.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Claire, biggest of biggest hugs to you





















I know that there's plan for Noah & Ryan, what it is, not sure, but I do know how they've already touched the lives of so many of us, and gosh it's like reading about family when I see your posts. I don't have any other words really, just my support & a shoulder whenever you need it


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

I, too, have followed your story from the beginning, and left several comments on your CarePage. I am so sorry you didn't get to enjoy your pregnancy and instead spent that time preparing for any mother's worst nightmare. Thankfully, it didn't happen, and your precious babies are both here, both strong, both fighting every day and getting stronger (hang in there, Ryan!!). But you are still entitled to your emotions, mama. Just hearing the song you had planned for your son's memorial is enough to bring _anyone_ to tears, and you deserve to be able to cry those emotions out. No mother should have to plan a memorial to begin with; you are blessed beyond measure that you didn't have to go through with it, but you are still allowed to grieve.

You are so strong, Claire. Your entire family is such an inspiration.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Oh, thank you so much for your love and support ladies.







For me, there is no place like these boards on MDC for safety and support about things most people don't want to hear about or face.









Quote:

You know when he's older, I expect you'll have a very special mother-son conversation where you can tell him what this song was going to be, and all about your emotions following his birth. I think he will be extremely touched and it will be a very bonding moment for you both.
What a wonderful way to look at it, Jay...that's beautiful. We WILL do this, when my tiny Noah-bean is old enough to understand. What a beautiful day that will be.

Quote:

I think you know how deeply I feel for this experience you are having with your tiny sweet babies.
Yes, Sara, I do know how deeply you feel for me and this experience, and how deeply it touches you (and cuts you) for the loss of your own beautiful twin boys. My heart aches for you each time you reply to me, both here and on FB and CarePages, because I fear that on some level, with each update I post, I am re-opening the wound you're trying to heal.

Quote:

Your sweet babies are here....and Noah...he was meant to stay. No matter what the odds.
That makes me cry. I look at him now and try to imagine losing him at birth, and it makes me sick...he's my baby...







I have to agree that he was meant to be here...meant to stay, but that's a hard thing to say without saying the opposite, which I DON'T believe, which is that our babies lost were NOT meant to stay. That is just not true. So it's confusing...

Quote:

I can't get past the line "How long do you want to be loved? Is forever enough?" without crying.
That song makes me weep...I love that one too. LOVE IT. (But so sad in the light of infant loss







)

Quote:

Maybe your reaction to the song was so strong right now because, with Noah, you're beginning to see the other side, beginning to really believe that you will get to keep your baby
I think this might be a big part of it...I'm starting to let my heart HOPE that both of my boys might live...might come home with me...and that hope scares me so much. Because I know how quickly hope can turn to devestation and loss.









Quote:

I know that there's plan for Noah & Ryan, what it is, not sure, but I do know how they've already touched the lives of so many of us, and gosh it's like reading about family when I see your posts.
Thanks, sweetie...I feel so much like the women here are family as well, especially those of you I feel I have really gotten to know. And I agree that there just MUST be a plan for my little guys, to have beaten the odds so many times over...it's one of the things I struggle with, spiritually, actually...I also feel there must be a plan for ME...why have I been challenged with and endured this many hardships with those I love...why is God using my family to demonstrate the powerful miracles that can occur in this life...there MUST be something I am supposed to do with this situation...but I can't figure out what.

So for now, I'm just letting that be...I can't figure it out now, so that's okay. I am hoping that with time, it will become clear to me.

*To everyone else*, thank you so much for your hugs, your support, your lovely replies, and for all of your good thoughts and prayers for my little men...both here and on the CarePages. I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, even if many of them I have not yet met in person. You have no idea what your support means.









Claire


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## mothergoose518 (Feb 3, 2010)

(((HUGS))) I first heard that song for the first time after Caleb died and it had such a strong impact on me.

I pray that you and Noah will dance together to that song at his wedding...

My husband works at the hospital your boys are in... I'd love to meet up some time!


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