# I spanked her



## forestrymom (Jul 13, 2006)

First off, no flaming please. I came here for help, not the reassurance that I am a terrible mother, because I already feel that way. I am absolutely opposed to spanking as punishment. I lost my cool. I want help on how to keep it next time.

And I yelled at her. Its not the first time I've yelled, but it is the first time I've spanked. Here is the story.

Dd is 19 months old and has always been high needs. Yesterday I was trying to bake cookies for a very rare special occasion and it was 92 degrees in the house, and I'm 31 weeks pregnant. I put her up in a chair, at the counter, with a glass of milk and her own baking accessories. Well, she got fussy over not getting to stick her hand n the mixer as it was working, and started doing her little tantrum dance and I grabbed her to prevent her from falling. She of course had to spill her milk as she thrashed about trying to avoid me. I set her down, angrily, and yelled at her for not paying attention. I totally lost my composure, because I know that yelling is not effective, and this is not my usual leading by example attempt. Its not like I intend to yell at her, it's just me with my very severe anger problem (which I have been dealing with my entire life fairly well considering how many of my family members deal with it...). Anyway, 15 minutes later we were sitting in the rocker, because I knew she needed some time to get over me yelling and to reconnect and so I could apologize and explain that I had not behaved appropriately, etc, etc. And I knew that part of the tantrum was because I had been busy doing other things. Anyway, she got upset again, at whatever (she often doesn't need much of a reason) and I was still trying to collect myself, and she hit me--which she has been doing a lot of and I need help with too--and I smacked her behind







: . I set her down and walked away but she was crying so hard. I just had to get some time to collect before I hurt her more. I can't believe it happened. I am just so tired of the hitting and my patience not paying off at all. It went from pinching to hitting and I wonder what I am doing wrong. She doesn't see that behavior at all in our house...dh is very gentle and loving to both of us. Anyway, this was the first time I have laid my hand on her, and I didn't even feel it coming. It just happened. It was sooo hot, and I was so fried. I just wonder how I could have prevented myself from doing it. I know its not right...counseling has never helped me at all--it seems I just talk and talk and they never give me tips. Everything I use to manage my anger issues is stuff I have come up with on my own.

And I was so sad. Sad that she saw Mama lose her temper, lose control, like that. Her little eyes were so sad and hurt. And my guilt is almost more than I can bear right now. I want to make it better for her and for me. I don't want it to happen again. I want to take it back.

Anyway...like I said, no flames please.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Apologize and start fresh. We all make mistakes.

-Angela


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## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

Okay, first, apologise. You lost it, you had a tantrum.

I didn't see your post as one on spanking, but feeling overwhelmed, tired, and stressed. So let's look at ways to regain control. I'm sure the other ladies on here will have more ideas, but here's a few I use :

-I sit down. If it's extremely overwhelming and it's not safe for me to leave, I sit down. A change of perspective helps me breathe and focus on fixing.

-Go outside.

-empower the kids. Yep, there's spilled milk, a tantruming dd, and cookie dough that needs to be baked. And it's darn hot! What can you delegate so it's not all on you? The heat won't change, only you can take care of the cookie dough, but the milk........dd can be redirected to go get a cloth - fast! It gives you a few moments to collect yourself.

-journal. Take what you wrote here and c&p into a word document. When the feelings aren't rushing at you, write an alternate ending.

......................
Your dd will forgive you, and you will get that baby out and it will turn cooler. There is a silver lining


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

I, too, have an anger problem that I deal with on a regular basis. Now's the time to start retraining yourself. I'm reading "Parenting From the Inside Out", which is about how our upbringing and our early relationships actually affect the shape of our brain, and thus, our reflexive behaviors.

But you can change it (to an extent)! I've been working very hard on noticing my reaction, no matter how subtle, using my left brain to logically understand my reaction, and then taking steps to control it. I'm by no means perfect, in fact, I yelled at my dd and jerked her by the arm today. But, I am getting better. You can do it!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Well, I don't know you -- so I don't know the extent of your issues, but when I hear a mama describe a very hard day like you had, and then critisize herself for her "anger problem," it really makes me wonder. Seems to me that loosing it a bit when its hot and you are tired and frustrated is a pretty normal human reaction. I'm not saying its okay --- I'm just saying it doesn't really sound like an "anger problem." It sounds human.

So when a child lashes out and hits, we try to figure out what triggered it, what is going on in their environment that is too much for them, what things we change or learn from to prevent it from happening again, and how we can direct the child to express their frustration more constructively next time.

Can you be tender toward yourself? Can you invest yourself in figuring out what you need these days, to be the sort of parent you want to be? Can treat yourself like you would want your child to be treated, when she makes mistakes?

And FTR, I have plenty of stories just like this one of my own. Being a parent is hard.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

And -- nothing undoes me quite as quickly as heat does. If it were 92 degrees in my house, the only way i would have a very difficult time with basic functioning, let alone a baking project!!!!


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## devster4fun (Jan 28, 2007)

I couldn't read and not post a hug.

We've all been there. You're doing your very best.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

No flames from me, I've lost my cool and spanked too. Apologize & start anew. That's all ya can do!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
And -- nothing undoes me quite as quickly as heat does. If it were 92 degrees in my house, the only way i would have a very difficult time with basic functioning, let alone a baking project!!!!









:

92 in the house and I'm sitting naked in front of the fan with wet towels. And that's not pregnant!

-Angela


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## lawyermom (Jun 20, 2007)

Good for you for asking for help. It's hard to be a mom and it's hard to fess up when we mess up.

I would say - in the kindest way possible - that you may be setting yourself up for failure. It's that hot and you're very pregnant and you're trying to bake with a toddler??? Can you be easier on yourself in your day? May I say that I admire your ambition - but maybe it's time to slow down? Can you buy cookies from a bakery?

I too come from a family with anger issues. I have come close to spanking in the past. My strategy: walk away. I would rather just walk away from my child for two minutes and cool down than lose it and spank her. It's scary for her to have me leave suddenly - and it hasn't happened very often - but I remember once when DH was working nights and she was about 18 months and I just about lost it. I just went out on the deck and sat down for two minutes. When I came back I was calm enough I could deal with her. I think time outs are really for mommies and we should take them when we need them.


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

The heat does something to me--and I become very short tempered and, well, I act like a jerk... So whenever it is hot, I mean above 85 degrees (I know I'm weak) I do whatever I can to keep everyone calm (um, especially me) and let the kids do stuff that I might not usually--take an extra bath, make a mess and not clean it up, etc.

The heat can make you crazy--especially if you are 31 weeks! And baking!

Children are very forgiving--if you give them the chance. Don't beat yourself up.

Also, find ways to cool down your anger--counting to ten works for some, but not me. I have certain things I look at to remind me that my kids are just kids--like their little hands, or their little arms... Find a way to keep perspective.

I really like the walking away idea...


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## forestrymom (Jul 13, 2006)

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. The heat is really getting to me, and there is just no way to avoid it these days. And its a long couple of months until its over.

I sometimes have to bake, and I should have waited until dh got home, but he is working so much and so hard, I didn't want him to have extra to do either. There is no bakery, and no one who bakes for sale here...not within 80 miles anyway. And I felt like I had to bring something. And...dd really does enjoy helping.

I just don't want it to happen again. I have such a hard time with my temper, and I keep it locked down most of the time...and when I feel it coming on I can usually avoid having the meltdown by the tactics mentioned above. I just reallly didn't feel this one coming on, and I feel so scared...like what if I had done more harm, kwim? What if next time I do more harm?

Anyway, I better get to helping dh with dinner...


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

i just wanted to give you a very big hug. everyone in my house is driving me completely and totally insane today......and honestly for no apparent reason....my sweet children aren't really even doing anything!!! i'm just having a really irritable day for some reason.

anyway, i read your post and could completely sympathize, and wanted to give you a hug! hang in there mama. apologize to your dd and forgive yourself too.

PS-she's SOOOO cute!!!


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## Allie16 (Jul 5, 2007)

Hi, I also have an anger problem. I was very angry with my baby even when he was only 3 or 4 months and refused to sleep for 2 hours in the middle of the night. I would get so upset and started resenting him. I realised there was something wrong with me, so I read the book "Giving the love that heals" by Harville, Hendrix. It really helped me to manage my anger a lot, since I realized I had been wounded in my childhood and dealing with my son was pushing the buttons I didn't heal about that. After the book I have been able to rationalize more my anger and being a better mom by connecting better with my child and not pushing him to be perfect like I was pushed by my mother. The book is a little bit of technical but it really changed my life.

I hope this helps


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## sandbmom (Jun 25, 2007)

No flames, promise

I understand. my kids are 26 months apart and it gets overwheming. hug her apologize explain that even mommies make mistakes


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Just wanted to offer a








I am also learning and practicing gd and sometimes it can be hard but I know my kids are worth it. We all have been there!


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## forestrymom (Jul 13, 2006)

I am back after dinner and dd hopefully going to bed. I apologized. I did that as soon as I had calmed down, and as soon as I had gotten her calmed down from the trauma of it all...I think she was as scared by the way I reacted after I hit her as she was by the hitting, but at that point I was afraid for what I might do. I didn't have thoughts of doing anything, I just wanted her out of my site. I walked away and shut myself in the room and she was hysterical, at which point I realized how hurtful I was being all the way around.

I hugged her and said I was sorry and she said she was sorry (which was completely unnecessary, of course, but she is in to being polite right now...pleases, thank-you's, bless you's and sorry's). I just don't want her seeing what I saw as a child, which is my mother completely losing it on a very regular basis. I have talked at length with my mom about it, and she agrees, and is very saddened by the way she handled things back then--she was 19 when she had me, and really didn't even know how to change a diaper, let alone parent. We are very close now, but it totally messed me and my brother up in the way of anger management. I am certain that most people would consider her discipline method verging on abuse. So i just don't want to repeat it. Not that I'm fine with spanking under any circumstance, because I'm not, but dh's childhood was much more controlled in the way of spanking--they were spanked, as was I, but without temper and anger involved. At least he saw control, ya know?

I lost control one other time. I don't know why I feel like confessing this. Maybe because I need to get it off my chest? But she was 3 months old and she has always been a child who is very difficult to get to sleep. I tell people God sent her to give me patience (of which I had none prior to her







). Anyway, we were out of town visiting some friends, to shop for bridesmaids dresses for my best friend's wedding, and she was awful. Simply awful. My other friend, with whom I was staying, has a son 1 month and 7 days older than dd and he was so easy going and laid back (she could actually put him in one of those vibrating chairs, prop a bottle/paci in his mouth and he would chill for hours--not that I like that style of parenting at all, but he was that easy going). Anyway, she was having an awful time going to sleep--strange surroundings, etc, and she hated to be cuddled, never nursed to sleep, so she was in her carseat and I was sitting with her on the bed, gently bouncing so she woudl fall asleep (sort of simulating the car motion). And she was screaming and I was so tired. And I reached out and started to shake the seat, and then realized what I was doing. I guess I should give myself some credit, but I almost shook her! What if I had? That's my point in all this...what if it goes further, ya know?

And now, knowing there will be 2? Oh my...what am I gonna do? I mean, of course I love her more than anything in the world...sigh.


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## forestrymom (Jul 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
PS-she's SOOOO cute!!!









Thanks...I think so too!


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Please visit this thread for many ideas on self-calming. It has hundreds of mamas who have btdt ideas for moving toward self-care of the angst within: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=394579

Pat


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

No flames, just a whole lot of admiration for your honesty. None of us is perfect.


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## quietserena (Apr 24, 2006)

First of, pregnant and baking and in that heat and things getting spilled, I think right there on a good day would make me miffed and on a bad one.. who knows.

I'm not sure if 19 months is old enough to understand but this could also be one of those modelling opportunities where you show what you do when you have a tantrum. And apologizing and starting fresh is what you'd want your kid to do too.

The important thing here is that you stopped before it went anywhere else and found a better way of dealing.


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## `guest` (Nov 20, 2001)

Hey I live in MT too, so I hear you. It has been over 90 every day this month except one. Since we are not used to this, it's hard. Add to that all the smoke and being in the end of pregnancy, I'd be bonkers.

I second the mamas who say have compassion for yourself. I came from a yelling, hitting house, and there is that part of me, too. Especially when the kids were little. I would sometimes lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the music and yell into a pillow, so as to not scare the kids.

You will be okay with two, don't worry. You just have to learn not to hit, etc. You can do it. I say if I am good about 80% of the time, i let myself off the hook for 20% not. I haven't ever hit my kids, but I sure felt like it. I don't know why I haven't, I think removing myself is the best thing when it gets too intense, just go into the other room for a sec to reset the switches and breathe, before dealing with the frustration that can be a toddler.

It's sposed to be cooler wed, yahoo, in the 80s. Cant wait.


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## forestrymom (Jul 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMUM* 
Hey I live in MT too, so I hear you. It has been over 90 every day this month except one. Since we are not used to this, it's hard. Add to that all the smoke and being in the end of pregnancy, I'd be bonkers.

I second the mamas who say have compassion for yourself. I came from a yelling, hitting house, and there is that part of me, too. Especially when the kids were little. I would sometimes lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the music and yell into a pillow, so as to not scare the kids.

You will be okay with two, don't worry. You just have to learn not to hit, etc. You can do it. I say if I am good about 80% of the time, i let myself off the hook for 20% not. I haven't ever hit my kids, but I sure felt like it. I don't know why I haven't, I think removing myself is the best thing when it gets too intense, just go into the other room for a sec to reset the switches and breathe, before dealing with the frustration that can be a toddler.

It's sposed to be cooler wed, yahoo, in the 80s. Cant wait.

Yeah, its sure been an adjustment--we live in a very cool spot in Montana too, and its been in the mid-90s! Which doesn't seem hot to many here, I'm sure, but we also live in a trailer house (yah, that's me--spanking trailer trash







) with no shade in sight and its been so hot in here). Now, the fire burning out our backyard is throwing ash and smoke and causing inversions so that at night it doesn't even cool off. Of course, no AC, and I am opposed to having it here anyway, because it seems so wasteful when I have to use energy for 8 months to heat the place. Oh...to be perfect!

I am looking forward to the cooler months!

I really need to get over this. I am just so sad. I am sure that being pregnant isnt' helping my ability to put things into perspective, but i am so depressed over it. I didn't even go to work today...I just want to hold her close and not let her go, so that she knows it didn't mean I don't love her.


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## SkiMama36 (Apr 19, 2007)

I hope today went better for you! Remember to be kind to yourself as well as others.


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## moonyoungi (Jul 3, 2007)

I don't know if you're into any kind of meditation or yoga...but maybe try doing meditation with your DD? even if it's just for 5 min.
I heard meditation can really help with connecting with your better place, when you feel like blowing up.
I try to do it myself, but it's easy to forget stuff like that when you're a mommy.
I have a 2 year old son and I'm 8month pregnant...and I feel your frustration.
I was spanked too and I always try to remember how bad it felt to me...I don't want to give that to my son.
Anyway, you could try meditating, any kind, if you get a time....which could be like never, but try nevertheless


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## Daniel's Kitty (Nov 18, 2006)

we have all been there! I had the urge to go for a long walk today after ds1 woke ds2 up for the third time. We went an hung clothes out instead.


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## Terrilein (Jan 9, 2007)

I know how the urge to smack can suddenly and uncontrollably appear. There's not much you can do about this kind of "reflex" except maybe doing something like yoga, anger management, etc. as recommended by other pp's. Being pregnant as you are and a busy mama at that, you may or may not have the time to take a class, read a book, research methods online. I think I'd practice putting space between myself and my child in those instances - every day (before taking a nap or going to bed for the night) imagine that scene again, but change it! Imagine putting your child down, getting up and leaving the room instead to collect yourself. Practice it enough in your head and maybe you will do it when you need to automatically. And practice deep breathing to calm yourself. I also agree with pp's about not setting yourself up for this kind of "failure".
Just remember that one smack is not going to scar your child for life, and is most definitely not the end of a GD parenting career!


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## juju's mom (Mar 30, 2005)

Hugs to you.


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## sunset (Aug 24, 2005)

More hugs.
Lots of us have been there.
I just keep trying to be better.
It is true we are human and sometimes I think we try too hard and
expect too much of ourselves.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Hang in there!

And never, ever bake in the heat again. You don't "have to bring something": you're pregnant and it's hot. If you do feel you have to, for a special occasion, make a fruit salad, or something cold.

It sounds like both the times you've lost it, you've been caught up in trying to meet other people's expectations (baking, shopping for bridesmaid gowns), and got very stressed when your daughter's needs got in the way. I'd try to head these situations off at the pass by keeping her and your needs at the forefront when figuring out how to also accommodate other people.


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

I also know how you feel. I grew up with a violent dad and a mom who yelled when she got overwhelmed. Pregnancy really worsened my anger with dd. I could see extreme heat making it worse, too.

I agree with what most pps said, apologize and try to move on. I'm sure she knows you love her. It sounds like you are very loving toward her most of the time. This experience won't scar her for life, but I understand how guilty you feel. There was a time when dd was flipping out at naptime and I was reacting in all the wrong ways. I still get frustrated too easily and need to keep looking for suggestions to calm down and deal without yelling or speaking angrily to dd.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I hate the person I turn into when I'm hot. I'm such a jerk, with no patience!

Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself. You made a mistake, we all make them. Try to figure out your triggers and brainstorm what you can do to avoid them.

Above all, don't beat yourself up endlessly over this.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I wanted to add one other thing.

What would your response be to your daughter if she made a mistake and was truly remorseful? Would you ruminate over it or would you give her a hug and forgive her?

Do the same thing with yourself.


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## goodheartedmama (Feb 1, 2007)

You realized you made a mistake in the heat of the moment and you're admitting to it and wanting help to figure out a better solution for next time. That sets you in a whole other league from people who actually use spanking as a tool to get their children to do what they want. You're only human.


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## forestrymom (Jul 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveBeads* 
I wanted to add one other thing.

What would your response be to your daughter if she made a mistake and was truly remorseful? Would you ruminate over it or would you give her a hug and forgive her?

Do the same thing with yourself.

This is so true. Why is it so hard?

I really try not to have expectations for how the day will go. It just seems like there are times when I have to do certain things, regardless of whether or not I want to, kwim? I already get enough slack about her running my life (I said running not ruining







) from those around me, and I feel like I can only use her as an excuse so often. I don't know...I know sometimes I set myself up for failure, and I am a perfectionist.

I just have been feeling completely overwhelmed by life lately, and maybe that's part of it. How do I stop that feeling? How do I get on top of it?


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## ber (Apr 5, 2005)

I think you're doing an amazing job. Hang in there


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *forestrymom* 
This is so true. Why is it so hard?


It's ironic isn't it. We spend so much time modeling for our kids and we forget to model "self-forgiveness", yet it's so important so they learn to love themselves as much as we love them!


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