# You're lucky.....How do I respond?



## Asiago (Jul 1, 2009)

I have noticed lately that people have been telling me I am "lucky" since my baby is "happy" and a "good" baby. It is really wonderful to hear, yet bothers me a tiny bit as I work hard to keep him this way. He wasn't always an easy baby, I would likely classify him as high needs until recently. I do the basics: breast feed, bed share at night, and wear him most of the day.
Simple but it really works for him and has helped him to be calm and content.
Before bed sharing, a couple of people asked if he was colicky. He was often irritable from being overtired though. He changed quickly once his sleep at night improved. And then when I purchased a carrier he actually liked, he really flourished (until then I held him as much as possible).

So my question is.....aside from "thank you", should I reply with anything more or just leave it at that unless asked (?)


----------



## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I usually just would say "yep" with a big grin.


----------



## lalemma (Apr 21, 2009)

My baby is also very sunny, as long as I wear him and sleep with him and stick my boob in his mouth whenever he wants.

But I DO think I'm lucky. If you poke around the boards a little, you'll find many parents who do the whole AP package and don't have little parcels of sunshine to show for it (and sometimes feel really bad about that, unfortunately.)

So I would be the first to agree, yes, I am very lucky.


----------



## kittykat2481 (Nov 7, 2008)

I just saw this on the main page under new posts and thought I'd give my .02. I'd just say, "He's pretty wonderful, isn't he? It's hard work but he makes it worth it. Thank you!"


----------



## Heidi74 (Jan 21, 2009)

I also just say "yup."

That said, as with many things, I really think it really comes down to both nature and nurture. Some babies personalities probably are more prone to fussing, and the way they are treated can also play in.

In general, I find that the "you're so lucky" comments will come no matter what the issue is, even if it's something you worked hard on. For example, we are always getting comments about how lucky we are that our kids are such great eaters and are willing to try just about any food under the sun. Now, yes, part of it is probably individual (I'm sure BLW graduates who are picky eaters do exist)...but I do think things like breastfeeding, doing baby-led solids, exposure to a large variety of healthy foods (and little junk) and cooking from scratch, play in. It's not just luck, if you know what I mean...


----------



## sparklebean (Apr 10, 2009)

Parenting is hard for everyone and I think every parent works to keep their baby content. High needs babies are not the result of lackadaisical parenting!

My biggest fear before having DS was that he would be a colicky baby and my relationship with him and DP would suffer. So, yeah I DO feel really lucky to have a "easy" baby!

Roll with it now- toddlerhood might be very "unlucky"!


----------



## staceychev (Mar 5, 2005)

I think it's just mindless conversation. People want to have something to say about a new baby. My favorite is: "How does she sleep?"


----------



## JenBuckyfan (Nov 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kittykat2481* 
"He's pretty wonderful, isn't he? It's hard work but he makes it worth it. Thank you!"









This also counters the 'lucky' part with stating subtly that it's not all luck which, if in the least, lets you take a moment to compliment yourself on how hard you've worked. As a pp I also feel we're pretty lucky that our little one is pretty easy going and we don't _have to_ work too hard to keep him happy.


----------



## slimkins (Dec 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 

But I DO think I'm lucky. If you poke around the boards a little, you'll find many parents who do the whole AP package and don't have little parcels of sunshine to show for it (and sometimes feel really bad about that, unfortunately.)

So I would be the first to agree, yes, I am very lucky.











I am "lucky" to have a pretty happy baby, even though I do my best to meet all of his needs. But like the previous poster said, I have seen far too many times where mamas on here probably work so much harder with their babes than I do only to have them be pretty unhappy most of the time. My heart breaks for them each time I read their post.


----------



## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *staceychev* 
I think it's just mindless conversation. People want to have something to say about a new baby. My favorite is: "How does she sleep?"

Well, and sometimes it's hard to know what to say to a mom without offending.

I stick with "She so cute!", and "how are you feeling?" and "I'm so happy for you". I used to say you are so lucky, but have since crossed that one off the list.


----------



## Asiago (Jul 1, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 
as long as I wear him and sleep with him and stick my boob in his mouth whenever he wants.

Yes, this seems to be the key to keeping him happy. If not I would be striving to find what did!

Sorry Sparklebean, regarding colic, it was just a comment I received a couple of times. No disrespect to all those mamas working hard to help their babies with colic. I didn't mean to imply that it was easy once doing this or that. I just was stating what seemed to have worked for him and get him through that rough time of whatever it was. I think he really was in a state of being continually overtired and it was affecting everything.
He may have also just outgrown whatever he was going through.


----------



## nola79 (Jun 21, 2009)

To answer your question, yes, I would just say thank you! Sounds like they are just trying to make conversation.
I DO consider myself very lucky to have had 2 easy babies, because I know that a lot of times, it's just personality, even though I have worked very hard to keep my babies happy.
I can see how another may be offended because even the best parents can have a colicky/high needs baby and it really has nothing to do with parenting.
I get what you're saying, though.


----------



## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I got that a lot - all four of my babies were pretty laid back. I would just say, "thanks, I know." or similar. People tend to mean well, and are trying to make conversation. Also, they may think of babies = fussing and unhappy, for whatever reason... so they may be genuinely surprised that yours is not that way.


----------



## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Agree with pp. Just say, "Yep, I sure am!"

I did all the things you do. So do many, many mamas. And we have very difficult babies, anyway. I would call you lucky.


----------



## batsister (Jul 21, 2009)

I sometimes experience the opposite... my 9-month-old is a very smiley (most of the time-- he does have a temper, too







), friendly baby, so I am sometimes asked if I "did something to make him that way." (like what, I sometimes wonder?). I usually reply that we are just lucky and that is his personality. We do try our best to meet his needs (and we cosleep, babywear, breastfeed, respond and talk to him, etc.), but I figure (as others have said), that is just part of parenting, and people with "unhappy" babies do that, too.


----------



## sugarpop (Feb 12, 2009)

I personally feel like I work my butt off to have a "happy" baby...and I don't have one. Your post however opened my eyes. I probably would have said...your lucky...not thinking about how you might take that.

Honestly now as I over analyze I realize I am lucky too. She is healthy and some day if I continue with AP (and I will) she too will be happy. But you are right, you aren't just lucky and didn't get an easy babe...took a lot of work on your part!

You could just say thanks, or you could say...Thanks, I have spent A LOT of time reading babies cues and trying to understand his needs...


----------



## tzs (Aug 4, 2009)

the flip side does exist.

my ped once remarked how happy my babe was and i responded with the "we're lucky," to which she said, "no, you're a good mommy."

it did make me feel good although i know that i did "get lucky" in many ways and lots of moms way more wonderful than me have less than happy babes.


----------



## Asiago (Jul 1, 2009)

Thanks for all of your replies and if I said anything that offended anyone, I never ever meant to







To all those moms with challenging little bundles of joy, I support you!

Thanks Sugarpop, I really appreciate your post too.


----------



## Blueone (Sep 12, 2009)

I smile and nod and say thanks. If they want to think that they can. Sometimes I get a little annoyed too because my son is high needs as well and sometimes the only reason we go out is because he was so fussy inside no matter what I did that if I didn't get out I'd go insane.

There are times I mention that he's a bit cranky and they always seem surprised. But really, he was just until we got out. That's how today was...


----------



## akind1 (Jul 16, 2009)

I just say thanks - I am thankful to have an easy baby and the crazy thing to me is people think I had something to do with it! I mean, if he were fussy or high-needs somehow I woud be a bad mother? I think babies are they way they are, and we just have to adapt to parent them in a way that suits them best. It is bad enough when my normally "easy" baby starts fussing at my MIL and she looks at me like I had something to do with it! I can nearly alway soothe him, but I can't make him always happy while she holds him!

anyway - I really think temperment is out of our control, so I do feel incredibly fortunate to have a happy baby. I mean, if I had a high needs baby I think it is possible to get them to a happy place, so in that instance I would congratulate the mama on doing a great job! but a stranger doesn't know the difference between a happy, easygoing baby and a happy, high needs baby whose mama worked super hard to meet his needs so he'd BE happy. They just see a happy baby.

as far as the sleep question - I get this a lot too - and I say he sleeps fantastic, usually wakes at most once per night - and half the time I get dirty looks from mamas whose babes didn't sleep as well.







I don't know why he sleeps so well, but he does! I can't really take credit for it, but I am sure grateful! Granted the other half of people say, what, he's not STTN? need to give him some solids. I just







and say he sleeps well enough for me!


----------



## Black Orchid (Mar 28, 2005)

Sheesh, just say thanks and move on.

I did all that you listed and more and my daughter was miserable for the first year of her life. DH and I were pretty miserable, too. And did/do think it is lucky that other parents get to actually enjoy being with their babies and not have to contantly deal with one that cries and screams and has colic.

So yes, people who have seemingly easy babies have to work, too, but they're also just lucky to not have one of the 20% of babies who have colic.


----------



## LadyCatherine185 (Aug 12, 2008)

Say "thank you" and realize that you are very lucky. Like some of the PP's, I also did EVERYTHING AP (breastfeeding/cosleeping/babywearing) and devoted all of my time and energy to try to keep Liam happy.. and he was NOT happy most of the time as a baby. Once he started walking though, that changed and he is now a happy toddler.

That said-- I am very lucky as well, even though Liam was extremely highneeds/fussy, etc as a baby, he was very healthy, and I have a child. I know so many people who can't have children and I have a beautiful, smart, funny, sweet boy. Yes, the first year was hell.. (I can't believe I am about to do it all again in 6 months!) and I almost lost my sanity, but I am so lucky to have my baby, and I couldn't imagine my life without him.


----------



## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

If you have a baby you can keep happy, you are lucky









As the mother of the world's most miserable cranky baby, nothing nothing nothing made her happy. She cried, she threw up, she didn't want to be put down and she hated to be held. She slept ON ME for the first six months of her life and even then only in teeny little 40 minute stretches. I wore her, I didn't wear her, I fed on demand, I gave meds, I walked and bounced and danced and sang and patted and cried a lot myself. At the end of the day, my arms and shoulders were sore from "managing" her all day. And that's what it felt like - I spent my day managing her from one crisis and misery to the next.

It doesn't take anything away from you to acknowledge that yes, some babies are easier than others and it is luck of the draw.

I am now lucky because she was a very easy toddler and now little kid







It's nothing I did, she just outgrew her misery and I've been super lucky in that she skipped a lot of the difficult toddler/little kid things. She never hit, she wasn't a biter, she listens pretty well. She finally sleeps. She's friendly, likes to talk to people, has never had separation anxiety. She's respectful and articulate and a good traveler. She's not picky about food and sleeps well. I didn't do anything to make any of that happen, it just did. I got lucky.

I adore my daughter and I'd like to take credit for how she's turning out, but it's just her personality and she came with it.


----------



## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Well here's the thing... I think you ARE lucky. Sure you have worked hard to make him happy but there are many of us (ahem... ME!!) who have done all the things you do & more and we still do not have happy, content babies.

Some babies are born calm & content, and you can work hard or not & they will still be that way.
Some are born 'high needs' but with a lot of hard work you can help them to be calm & happy. Some even just grow out of it without all the hard work.
Some are born high-needs and no matter what you do, they will continue to be high-needs.

You are a good mom. You are also fortunate enough to have a 'good' baby. I like to think DH & I are good parents, but we just simply don't have a 'good' baby (though I hate to use good/bad for babies, but you know what I mean!) When I read things like this I feel embarrassed, and I feel that others must look at my DS and think I'm a horrible mother. I often think myself that I'm a horrible mother, but I know in my heart I am doing everything I can for him.

So say 'yes, thank you', 'it's hard work but it's paid off', or whatever... and feel thankful that you have a wonderful little baby.








I feel thankful when I hear of/see a baby with severe medical problems etc. I am thankful my baby is healthy & though I like to think it's in part because of the super-healthy way I've raised him so far, I also know I AM LUCKY.


----------



## Asiago (Jul 1, 2009)

(removing all of the gobbety ****, no one needs to hear me venting!)

Still, to this day, as a first time mom I really have no idea if he was truly colicky or high needs or just the showing his individuality (!). Either way, I suppose it gave me new skills, made me work hard and made me a better person for the experience.

Uggh, long story short. Thank you all, I am truly fortunate as he is really healthy and I appreciate that he is so pleasant to be around and yes I am lucky no matter what. I think things were just piling up lately and my orginal message was probably more so a vent so thank you for listening.


----------



## Perdita_in_Ontario (Feb 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heidi74* 
For example, we are always getting comments about how lucky we are that our kids are such great eaters and are willing to try just about any food under the sun. Now, yes, part of it is probably individual (I'm sure BLW graduates who are picky eaters do exist)...

Yes, yes they do...


----------



## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

You are lucky. Not to be rude, but your attitude about it bothers me. I have 4 easy children. I'm lucky. I have friends who are great parents and aren't "lucky." They have difficult times and try hard to be great parents. THEY are the ones working hard every day. The most loving mother I know has such a hard time loving her child because he's just that difficult. She works so hard with him and always has. I would never look at her and think "well, if you did everything perfect like I do, then you'd have an easy baby too." Would be nice if it were that simple. I'm far from a perfect parent, but I have 4 easy, neurotypical, healthy children. Some things I have done have helped my children be easy, I'm sure, but to think it's all because of my awesomeness as a mom? Not a chance.

Take it as a compliment and beware of that arrogance because it may slap you in the face with your next baby. I'd just smile and say "thanks." You have no idea what brought on the compliment.


----------



## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

On the other hand....reading your 2nd post, it seems like you're really working hard and want more acknowledgment than "wow, you're lucky." It's like them using the word "luck" negates all your hard work. I get that.

I didn't change my first post because you need to hear that some people work hard, as hard as you do, and never see it pay off. I'm sorry you feel like people don't realize how much you're putting into it.


----------



## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

I used to get that a lot too. My dd was so easy when she was a little baby. She was really good at communicating her needs. I never had any trouble knowing how to soothe her. Now if I hadn't breastfed on demand or co-slept I don't think she would have been so easy. She wants what she wants when she wants it!
When she started walking, however, the "your so lucky" comments went away, LOL. NOBODY tells me I'm lucky anymore because my dd's energy level is off. the. charts. People usually give me sympathetic looks and gaze in wonder at my little bottle rocket.
My best advice for new moms is to ignore comments about their children. People just run their mouths. We all do it!


----------



## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy* 
Well here's the thing... I think you ARE lucky. Sure you have worked hard to make him happy but there are many of us (ahem... ME!!) who have done all the things you do & more and we still do not have happy, content babies.

Some babies are born calm & content, and you can work hard or not & they will still be that way.
Some are born 'high needs' but with a lot of hard work you can help them to be calm & happy. Some even just grow out of it without all the hard work.
Some are born high-needs and no matter what you do, they will continue to be high-needs.

You are a good mom. You are also fortunate enough to have a 'good' baby. I like to think DH & I are good parents, but we just simply don't have a 'good' baby (though I hate to use good/bad for babies, but you know what I mean!) When I read things like this I feel embarrassed, and I feel that others must look at my DS and think I'm a horrible mother. I often think myself that I'm a horrible mother, but I know in my heart I am doing everything I can for him.

So say 'yes, thank you', 'it's hard work but it's paid off', or whatever... and feel thankful that you have a wonderful little baby.







I feel thankful when I hear of/see a baby with severe medical problems etc. I am thankful my baby is healthy & though I like to think it's in part because of the super-healthy way I've raised him so far, I also know I AM LUCKY.

Yes, I have also been close to tears because my baby is just unhappy most of the time! I feel like I do everything he wants (except let him watch tv!)

I have friend who does CIO, weaned early, 'trains' their child, does everything short of spanking. Their babe is an absolute angel, bearly makes a peep.


----------



## Asiago (Jul 1, 2009)

Thank you so much chaoticzenmom. I really appreciate that (and your original post too.) It helps me and gives me more insight.


----------



## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

OK I read the whole post that you removed (you should have left it, it clarifies a lot & even if no one 'needs' to hear you venting, it feels so good to vent, doesn't it?)

I don't know whether he was high-needs or not, since I don't know him, but he does sound like a pretty demanding little kid! I'm glad he outgrew it or you got in sync with him or whatever combination of that happened.







He sounds a lot like my DS, only difference is that mine still is in that stage 14 mos later.







I mean we're doing 'better' but he's still so much more intense than other babies. Anyway. I won't vent on your thread.

But I totally get what you were trying to say now. When everyone tries to tell you you're doing things wrong, why are you feeding him so much, why don't you put him down, etc., and then they turn around and say wow you're so lucky he's so happy, that must feel like a slap in the face! You've obviously worked very hard to get in tune with him & he's happy because of everything you're doing, so don't let people's comments get to you.


----------



## Catubodua (Apr 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *akind1* 
Granted the other half of people say, what, he's not STTN? need to give him some solids. I just







and say he sleeps well enough for me!

I'm so with you on this. i can't believe how many times i'm told to give him rice cereal to make him sleep. as if a 10 week old who wakes up once a night is so unusual.









as for the lucky comments comments i always just say thanks. it's similar to the comments i get about how "lucky" i am to have such a well behaved dog. um, no, i spend time working with her each week and have done so for years. it's not "luck" it shows the hard work i've put in.


----------



## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I have to say if you have a happy baby, regardless of how hard you AP, do consider yourself lucky. Both of my children have been fairly easy babies, but I've seen the flip side and believe me, yeah you are lucky. I watched my SIL have the most colicky child I have ever seen, my niece cried for the first 6 months of her life, I don't mean just crying I mean screaming, wailing fits all. day. long. all. night. long......she just was completely and totally miserable. They would run the vacuum much of the day to drown out her screaming at times so they could have sanity. I bet if you asked them, they say they were pretty unlucky at times when she was a babe. FWIW-she turned out to be a wonderful little girl, and now as an older child is an amazing helper with her brothers, she just didn't like being a baby much.

I don't feel like the term lucky negates anything you do. I am extremely fortunate, my son has STTN since he was pretty much born, his 3.5y/o sister _still_ wakes 1-2xs a night. She was easy, but she was wired, and in some ways easier than him and some ways harder. We could put her down, with him you cannot, unless you want a screaming fit. People see him as a smiley happy little guy and tell me I am lucky, I just go with it, but to feel insulted in some way just seems silly to me.


----------



## Asiago (Jul 1, 2009)

I am not a very good verbal communicator, I think I communicate better physically. I really did not explain things very well in my original post, and feel like an arse now







I am at total fault.
Thank you so much to those who read that super long (dreadfully long







) post before I removed it (plus thanks for all of the kind words, they mean a lot).


----------



## TzippityDoulah (Jun 29, 2005)

honestly maybe it's just jealousy and maybe there isn't something perfect to say back. people's comments to us often reflect their own feelings about themselves. I've yet to have an "easy going" baby. Mine were all difficult (reflux, sensory issues, terrible sleepers...) and I must admit, my extremely tired self envies those with easy going babies who sleep well. I have found myself saying "You are so lucky" to people as alsmost a defense from getting the common UNWELCOME comment from my friends "well the reason bmy baby is so happy is becase we always XYZ" as if I didn't work my butt off to raise a happy baby. If i say it first they often wont go there... as bad as that sounds. and i'm not above advice - I just get sick of people who actually think their babies were perfect b/c they homebirthing/breastfed/co-sleep/babywear or some other obvious thing.

I find if I mention people are lucky for having such happy babies first they are less likely to give me a earful of ridiculous ideas about what good parents they are. It hurts when I feel judged like that so I kinda build a wall around it.

point being - a happy baby doesn't always have much to do with how she is raised. There is much more at play than that. some high needs babies are born into the gentlest and most patient and understanding of parents, while some ultra easy going babies are born into families that ship them off the daycares at 6 weeks and formula feed them from birth and vaccinate on schedule and so on and so forth etc etc etc... who knows why.

that said, I will rethink when I say that. it's like when you're struggling with your weight and you say to a skinny person that they are so lucky. and for all I know that skinny person could have worked their butts off to be skinny! you just never know. it's just a comment that reflects you're own insecurities.

maybe you could say "he is a blessing". or even "he wasn't so easy as a newborn but I am blessed by his easy going nature now" or just "thank you" and leave it at that. or if opportunity knocks tell them straight out the trials you've had to help him become happy.


----------



## Pookietooth (Jul 1, 2002)

I like to say "all babies are good babies" but I don't always have the nerve.


----------



## Mamabeakley (Jul 9, 2004)

This won't work for you, OP, but what I say is, "yes, and I KNOW how lucky I am because DS1 was NOT an easy baby!" Which is true. He was wonderful (and is) and could be happy (if we did exactly what he wanted when he wanted it) but he was NOT easy! No significant difference in parenting style . . . hugely different kids. DS2 is somewhere in the middle.


----------



## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

My first screamed for 14 hours at a time and never slept more than 5 hours a day (and not all at once). When he got "better" he only screamed for 4-6 hours at a time and still only slept 5 hours a day (and still not all at once). (side note-at 9 he STILL screams 3 hours a day and hardly sleeps, so they don't all grow out of it







).

The comment I always got was, "boy, you sure have your hands full". Honestly though, I would have loved to hear how lucky I was. I AM lucky. Every day I feel lucky that this little.....or not so little anymore.....person entered our lives. He may be the definition of difficult sometimes, but we are so very grateful that he is ours









My dd1 sounds like your ds. She was a happy baby as long as I did everything she needed about 5 seconds before she needed it. She certainly didn't sleep well unless she nursed non-stop all night (and not always then either). I had to wear her constantly. If I met all the requirements she was so sweet and smiley. People often commented on how 'easy' she was. But by that time I had 2 closely spaced olders so I still only ever got the "hands full" comment









I have learned to just not read too much into anything people say. Just smile and nod and mutter under your breath after they walk away if you feel you need to. It isn't worth worrying about as they are probably just making conversation.


----------

