# I can't pull myself together



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

but I have to. My house is trashed and I have so much work to do before the semester starts on the 19th, but I'm a mess.

I've just gone through our fourth loss in the last 11 months. We saw a heartbeat last Monday but a baby measuring small for dates. When we went back in on Thursday, the baby was measuring smaller and there was no heartbeat.

We were so elated on Monday - I was scared (because of measuring small and because the heartbeat was hard to measure) but I was so happy - it was the first time we'd seen a heartbeat all year. I am crushed. I feel like I will never have the family that I dreamed of.

In the meantime, only a few people knew we were pregnant. Many have been supportive, giving me the space that I want while we work through this. Some have not. I posted on my Facebook that I was angry, very very deeply angry. My father posted "let it go." I blogged about the loss already but haven't told one sister or my mother even. I cannot bear to continue to deliver horrible news to people. I've only communicated with people - even real life friends in the same town - via e-mail since last Monday.

We induced the m/c with misoprostal on Thursday and I passed the sac and some tissue today. I'm still in a decent amount of pain and I just can't function. I can't properly take care of my kids, I can't get my work done. . . I just can't do anything.

And I'm angry with anyone who tells me to buck up or go see someone for depression, because I feel like I have every right to spend a week in bed if I so choose. Who wouldn't after 4 losses in a year? Why do I have to heal so quickly - why do I have to "let it go" so fast? I'm devastated. I should be allowed to be so.

Thanks for listening. I don't know what I'm looking for - from anyone right now.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Oh Monica,









there's not a damned thing wrong with staying in bad all week (or two..) as you go through this. Asking for help with the kids, house...husband. It's okay.

It's been 6 months since my loss and I still am missing parts of my preloss self. The house is never as clean as it used to be. I'm never on top of things anymore. I feel so distant with our friends. I don't know when it gets fully better.

I am so sorry.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thank you Cindy.

Every time I climb out, I get knocked back in, you know? Every.time. Climb out, get BFP, get elated, lose it, get knocked back down. Over. And over. And over. And now I have to climb back out again.

And this time I just don't know how to do it. I just don't.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

You are responding totally normally & appropriately to a crappy (insert stronger bad words) situation.







Anyone who doesn't give you the space to grieve is stupid.

I am so pissed off for you. Angry. And really sad. And I'm just a stranger on the internet. I wish the people in your life could grab a clue and just let you be.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I'm so sorry. You have every right to lay in bed and no one should expect you to be feeling okay or be "over it" right now.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I don't know how either. I'm so so sorry. I wish I could come and clean and do stuff for you. I wish we weren't just a virtual community and we could surround you with our feminine presence and cry with you and listen to you and hold you.

But we are here, as much as we can be. I feel your pain, and I am so so angry and bewildered and sad for and with you.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I'm so sorry. Give yourself permission to feel shitty. That's a LOT to deal with. I think how you feel is normal.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Grieving isn't just normal - it's absolutely necessary and it's hard, hard work. Take as much time as you need, mama. Anyone who tells you different doesn't know what they're talking about.
Hugs, mama.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

After so many losses your friends should not expect you to "get over it" As Megan said, grief is hard work. IT takes time (((HUGS)))


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry. You have every right to grieve and to do nothing.

When we lost our son we had a bit of help with our older son but we couldn't just let him stay with family every day and night so we had to have him home with us. He was so confused as well and wanted to be with his mom and dad. So, we took turns when one of us needed a moment.

There were plenty of times I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out. But, in my situation I couldn't so I did what I had to so we could get by. I decided to compartmentalize my grief for small bits of time so I could play with my 4yo. Then, I would go take a shower and just cry and cry. Minimum housework was done and we had take out a lot - no cooking.

One and a half years later we just now feel like we have a little more control and are getting back to our regular, more healthy eating habits. After a few months of getting over the shock of his loss we felt we were ready to talk to a counselor and it did help.

If no one else will give you time to grieve you have to make the room for yourself. Disconnect from those who aren't supportive - you don't need them right now. Start a blog and don't post stuff on Facebook about it so you won't have to listen to the ignorant comments from others. They may mean well but it sure doesn't help to hear them.

How are your DH and children holding up? Do you get the support you need from them?

As others have said, we are here for you. Deepest hugs and healing warmth for you.


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## SimplyRochelle (Feb 21, 2007)

So sorry Monica.







I wish I could come spend my day helping you clean.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Oh Monica,

All I can do is echo what everyone else has said. I have such sadness for you. You have been through SO much this past year - you absolutely need time to grieve, be angry, be depressed ... I'm sorry some people aren't giving you this.

With love.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Oh shit Monica, I'm so sorry!! I lost my twins the same day as you in July, I had no idea you lost 2 more babies since then. This really stinks, I'm so sorry for you.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Andi - it's astounding isn't it? I mean, I can barely believe it myself.

Thank you everyone for your comments and support. It's 5am here and I'm up, again, wracked with pain and waiting for the percocet to kick in.

I have been allowing myself large chunks of every day to do nothing so long as I set a timer and work for a certain amount of time a few times a day. Last night I managed to get a good amount of work done, because I simply set a timer. Somehow it was the impetus I needed to focus, so I'll keep that up.

Thanks again.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I don't have any wise words for you. I don't know the right thing to say. I do know that I cannot imagine the pain you are in and the grief that you feel. You should be able to do whatever you need to in order to help you cope with what you are feeling. I hope the people around you can understand that.

I am sending you a million hugs and all my support and love. I wish that I was closer to you and I could come take care of your kids for a few hours and clean your kitchen so you could just have some time to be by yourself or do whatever you want and need to. If there is ever anything I can do from this far away, I hope you will not hesitate to ask. *hugs*


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

THinking of you, Monica. I too, wish that I could just hop on a plane to Colorado and come help you out!!

And as far as your father goes, don't bother. He doesn't get it, and he never will unfortunately. He doesn't want to get it. Maybe because it will be too painful perhaps, or because he's just not capable. But either way, you need to distance yourself from him because he is unable to filter himself and keep himself from hurting you even more. I believe he has good intentions, and he thinks he's trying to help. But what he REALLY doesn't get is that you don't WANT or NEED him to help you. You just need him to be there for you, supporting you how YOU WANT or NEED. ugh.

Billy's family has reacted somewhat similarily to my losses, and I've learned to let THEM go. kwim? Thankfully, they're not MY family. I imagine it would be harder if my OWN mother or father was acting like that.

Hugs sweetie...please know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

Heather


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Like I said elsewhere Heather, god willing we ever get another sticky baby, my father and stepmother might find themselves shocked to get the "We just had a baby" call with absolutely no announcement prior to that.

Which is fine. They'll be too busy fawning over my brother and his gf's baby to care.


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## jdlivingsb (Nov 10, 2004)

I'm so sorry to hear this, Monica. Sending you healing vibes.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

i am so so sorry for your loss. take the time you need to grieve as much as you need.




























for your four babies


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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

I'm so sorry Monica.

I haven't been on MDC much the past couple months, and It's devastating to come back and read your updates.

We're in very similar circumstances right now, and while I can't say I know exactly how you feel, I have a pretty damn good idea.

I've been thinking about you. Please PM me if you want to vent.
-Becca


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm sorry


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## Mami_2_IB_n_DJ (Jan 2, 2010)

Wow, what a day to read this one. Isn't it weird how we can have children that need us at home, but we can't seem to forget those we lost and still in a way feel empty. Today is my 1st borns 16th birthday, she passed 4 days after she was born. This morning I felt so down (still do). I looked at my 5 month old son (turned 5 months today also) and told him I loved him did the same with our 21 month DD and took off to work. My husband drove me to work and I was quiet pretty much all the way. All I could think about is the what if she was here. I later called my Mom back home and ask if she can place flowers on her grave for me. Then asked my DH to buy a candle that we can light up at home. He is not her father so he doesn't care much, but he said he would get one for me. I also lost a son at 21 wks gestation in 2000.

Only time makes it a lil bit easier, but we never forget, so hold on girl and go and hug the lil ones you have at home, like I will as soon as I get back. Their love will help you thru.
W-


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## NWmt_mama (Jul 22, 2005)

You have every right to grieve and stay in bed. You have suffered an unbelievable amount of loss this year and it is important to honor that and take care of yourself.


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## Tear78 (Nov 28, 2008)

Monica, 







Take the time you need to heal. I'm sorry people are rushing you in this, and that your father was among them. You've been really put through so much this year, and you need to take care of yourself and listen to what your body and spirit need. Seek out the people that are supportive. You will make it through this







I'm sending you healing vibes and lots of thoughts.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Thinking of you. You are such a strong woman. Give yourself some time.


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

Oh, Monica :sob
I had no idea - I haven't been around much for the past couple of weeks. I am so, SO sorry! You'll be in my thoughts. Wishing you peace and healing.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Thanks everyone. I'm hanging in there.

Unfortunately, after a week without bleeding, I started having major cramping and bleeding again tonight. I feel as though this will never end. It's so exhausting. I honestly do not know where we are headed from here.

Tomorrow we have a charity coming to pick up a good deal of our baby things as well as a few other things I've managed to downsize over the past week - 90% of my maternity clothes, lots of bigger baby things, strollers, stuff like that. Additionally, I've begun to go through our infant clothes to pass on to my brother and his girlfriend when they have their baby in May. It feels cleansing. Not like giving up, but like getting ready in a way. Anything we downsize now can be replaced later - and can be used now by people who need it.

In the meantime, I've tried hard to redouble my focus on my home and children - two things that have sufferred quite a bit in the past year. I've also begun the spring semester and picked up an extra class - I'm teaching a full-time load without any daycare, so I'll be very, very busy. It'll be a good way to focus my attention for several months while we recover and regroup.


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## painefaria (Jul 4, 2007)

How are you doing? I was looking through posts and was thinking about you...


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