# Preteens/Teens and the GRUBBY LOOK



## Shann (Dec 19, 2003)

Even though this is not an issue in my household, I know it is a problem for some parents of teens and preteens, and I wanted to get a feel for it and to have it discussed a bit in here.
The issue is the "grubby look" among most teens and preteens these days.
I am sure you all know what I mean if you have had this age group: the torn and stained--and in most cases even DIRTY-- jeans, the sloppy shirts, the oversized and messy hoodies, the grimy and stinky sneakers, no socks, etc. My boys (aged 12 and 14) have alot (the majority) of friends who like this "look" and strive to achieve it. They like to wear such clothes to school and out and about in their daily lives. Some (maybe not nearly the majority) of parents are driven nuts by this (which may be the point of doing it).Many parents wage a continual battle with their kids about all this -- usually a fruitless battle as well.
In our household, we prefer to choose our battles, and we just don't see this one as one that needs to be fought. I remember my days as a teen/preteen and enjoying dressing the same way (Hell, I still like the grubby look for myself sometimes even today). My boys insist on the grubby look with the torn-to-shreds dirty jeans and I have heard MANY times: "MOM! Why did you wash my jeans?!? You don't understand! I LIKE them dirty!"








To us, it's not worth the big battles, so we let our boys determine their own preferred levels of grime and sloppiness (which, I must admit, is often quite high). To be honest, I think the grubby look can actually be cute on most kids, mine included!
So how does everyone else in here feel about this issue? Are you in the "you will not wear that grubby outfit out in public" group, or are you one (like us) who allow your kids to set their own standards of grubbiness? Yes, we are firmly in the latter group. But what about the rest of us in here? Let's see what everyone has to say.


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

My daughter is 14 and she swings in and out of the grubby look. I only have two rules about it: 1. She needs to know when it's appropriate and when it's not - school and home are okay, church and other nice occassions not okay, and 2. Things can look grubby as long as they are clean and smell good.

No fights about it here - she thinks the rules I laid out are okay, and somehow I remain the coolest of all her friends moms...


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

My son who is almost 14 has this grubby look down to a T. I could care less. Its his style, the only rule i have is though his clothes are grubby HE has to be clean, so he must shower, once a day.







Sometimes though, this doesnt happen either.

I think that trying to control someones style sense is totally wrong, but this is JMO.


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## fhqwhgads (Oct 30, 2007)

Hahaha..I remember being a grubby teen. I was in a TON of art classes, so a lot of my clothes were torn and stained with paint, clay, ink, axle grease, and just about everything else I did art with (which was anything I could get my hands on). Those stains and tears were my artist's badge of honor. The older and more worn a band t-shirt was, the cooler you were. Jeans with holes in the knees and frayed cuffs? Super-cool.

If all it takes is some old and scuffed up clothes to make my daughter happy, I'm not gonna say no. It's not looking that way since she's 2.5 and already starting to look like a fashionista. Darn!


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Yeah, my Ds has some of that going on too. He keeps himself and his clothes relatively clean in general, but he likes his jeans ratty and frayed at the bottom a bit, loose etc. He has shaggy hair that he might not comb for a day or so, etc.









Style is such a personal thing, and I refuse to try and change him. It drives some of my older extended family members crazy though. I have run some interference for Ds with them because I know he gets tired of hearing things like "You need a haircut" or "Your pants look trashed" and etc.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

My children's father has told our oldest that he is no longer going to see him/talk to him because he is embarassed by the way my son looks (not grubby, but very rock star/emo...makeup and all that).

So no.....I can see by the enormous amount of pain my son is in that getting hung up about their APPEARANCE is completely and totally damaging. I don't care if the child wears a toga everywhere. As long as he is healthy and not offending people intentionally, it's all good. I love that he feels comfortable enough to express himself.


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## Shann (Dec 19, 2003)

Transitions, I know what you mean! We "prefer" that our boys shower daily, but we don't even force that issue either.We feel that even that falls into the category of "personal choice" just as the clothes do, and our boys rarely live up to the shower preferences that we have for them (and that's also ok with us if that's their choice). And we don't mind at all if the clothes are as dirty and ratty as they want them. We actually think it's rather cool ourselves!


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
My children's father has told our oldest that he is no longer going to see him/talk to him because he is embarassed by the way my son looks (not grubby, but very rock star/emo...makeup and all that).

 I am so sorry he's being that way to your son!







I hope he pulls his head out of his backside and comes to his senses very soon.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

some kids work hard to create the perfect pair of jeans. This involves not washing them for 6 months so they will form to their bodies (this is with skinny jeans) If it were me, I would be upset if someone who didn't understand what I was doing washed my pants. It may sound ridiculous, but I have the inside scoop, and it is important to some kids. Of course MY only requirement would be clean underwear with the grimy pants









The style of the hoodies, dirty hair, scruffy look will change as soon as the style changes for some kids, for others, perhaps not, but they will figure out for themselves soon enough what image they want to project.


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## Shann (Dec 19, 2003)

Beloved k, you are exactly correct! I have learned through my boys, their friends (both male and female), and other kids of that age group that I have been associated with, that this grubby/grimy look is VERY important to a large number of kids. And it SHOULD be important to them if that is what they like. And they should be allowed to engage in it to whatever level they enjoy. After only a couple episodes of getting screamed at after washing their jeans (and even sometimes favorite shirts), I no longer gather up clothes for the laundry from them. I let THEM decide what they want to be washed. I always get underwear, rarely get socks (mainly because both my boys HATE socks and only wear them in extremely cold weather), get shirts about 50% of the time, and NEVER get jeans in the laundry. It has been WAAAY over 6 months since either one has put jeans in to be washed (It's probably been longer than that actually...I have just lost count). I don't expect that to change, either. I have a friend with 2 daughters (ages 13 and 10) and she handles their laundry the same way I do with my boys. She tells me that she hasn't seen jeans from either of her girls in the laundry in over a year (she says her girls actually look good in their filthy jeans, which i can understand because so do my boys). So, apparently washing jeans is now totally taboo for both sexes (and to me that's 100% ok if that's what they like). IMHO, we as parents have to pick the battles we want to fight, and those battles ought to be important ones. In the big scheme of things, is the question of whether our kids want to look (or actually BE) dirty/ grubby/ grimy and wear dirty/ratty clothes as a style really all that important? I really don't think so. So, I say, let them be as grubby as they like!


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## woobysma (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mmace* 
Things can look grubby as long as they are clean and smell good.



Yep, that's my rule, too. DS's hair is bugging the CRAP out of me right now. He's got really thick, slightly curly hair (like me) and insists on keeping it long-ish. (that's the style now......uuuughhhh) It drives me nuts









But, it is his hair, and I'm Ok with letting him keep it the way he wants it. My rule: It has to be clean, at least. You can look like you just rolled out of bed, but I draw the line at smelling like you just rolled in dog-poo.

Same with clothes. He likes baggy jeans and hoodies, but they have to be fairly clean.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

As long as my son is clean, it's fine, though I do draw the line for church and special occasions when he needs to look dressier.


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## Crunchier (Jun 26, 2003)

My oldest is not yet 5, so I'm obviously not there yet.

What if they get muddy? We live in the swamp. If I didn't wash my kids'(or my own) jeans, they'd be really gross, and my house would be filthy. Do ya'll not live in muddy places ( I used to live in the desert, where it never would have crossed my mind), or do you tolerate the mud on floors and furniture?


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

I think this gets into how far can I go to allow self-expression regardless of what others think? I found this came up at toddle age where I chose to let them dress in mismatched clothes. It comes up again as teens when they make choices how they want to dress. My daughter changes a lot. She does wear the jeans with holes but basically is very neat. It does conflict at times though. She is very expressive. I also will not allow the jeans with holes at church. It is a huge choose my battles areas for me. I see clothing as the one area they have choice and power over.
It is interesting to see what she chooses. We live in Florida and lately she has been coming home with stuff that looks like Colorado! Scarves, fur lined boots, and a variety of snow hats are examples. She plays currently both soccer and volleyball so she is mostly in uniforms or practice clothes. This week she will go to a concert and a dinner for her volleyball club. I petty much let her have the freedom to choose and grateful I can let her express herself and know it is a reflection on her everchanin persona vs. me . Sallie


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## DavinaT (Jun 28, 2005)

I REALLY admiresome of your super-relaxed attitudes.I don't mind what mine wear as long as they'e CLEAN yet, clothes are somethign I will NOT pick battles over. So the grubby look represents a huge internal conflict for me which involves me biting my tongue a lot.
I like the idea of though the clothes are grubby the kid has to be clean, so must shower, once a day. Seems likje a good compromise.
As for for hair - as long as its clean wear it exactly how you wish (except shaved - shaven heads creep me out







:, but I don't actually say that to any of them)


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## melirod (Feb 26, 2007)

My 15 yo DD dresses kind of like this, probably more emo though: torn pants, safety pins on her pants, mostly black wardrobe, dyed black (& bright red) hair, etc. I don't really have a problem with it. I feel I have to choose my battles wisely and major the majors & minor the minors. This to me is a minor. She gets good grades in school, is an athlete and has won many trophies and medals for running track and cross country. I think I have a bigger problem with the amount of eye makeup she wears and the occasional skimpy looking top that reveals too much cleavage.


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## majikfaerie (Jul 24, 2006)

*snort*
my _four_ year old is into the grubby look








she's all pink satin princess dresses, but she'll wear the same one for a week at a time (yep, sleeps in it too), in the last 12 months, we have washed her hair properly only twice. The last time it was combed was one year ago (actually, the anniversary of that happy day is coming up in a week!)
torn tattered clothes, grubby, paint-stained, mud-splattered, hand-wiped clothes.
she's all about that









maybe in 10 years she's gonna be the only clean-cut kid for miles around


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:

"MOM! Why did you wash my jeans?!? You don't understand! I LIKE them dirty!"
For real? This is a real "look" for kids? My 12 y.o. daughter is on the opposite end of the spectrum, here. She can't wear her jeans more than two or three times before she feels the need to wash them. Fortunately she does her own laundry. Last year she could only wear her jeans once per washing.







:

I think I'd have a hard time with it if either of my kids were insisting on wearing dirty, spotty, stained clothes. Apparently I won't have this dilemma!


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 
For real? This is a real "look" for kids? My 12 y.o. daughter is on the opposite end of the spectrum, here. She can't wear her jeans more than two or three times before she feels the need to wash them. Fortunately she does her own laundry. Last year she could only wear her jeans once per washing.







:

I think I'd have a hard time with it if either of my kids were insisting on wearing dirty, spotty, stained clothes. Apparently I won't have this dilemma!

Yeah, it is really important to some teens. Like I said, all I would require is the donning of underwear


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## majikfaerie (Jul 24, 2006)

my dad tells a story about how he had a pair of levis that he LOVED when he was a teenager. he had worn them in so well they could stand up on their own (apparently, this was a big status symbol in the early 70s







: )
I think he had worn them every day for over a year without washing, or something. and then when he was in the shower one day his aunt took them into the backyard and burnt them.
he's still pissed at her about it









so this is hardly a new trend.


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## Shann (Dec 19, 2003)

Oh, yes, Journeymom, it IS indeed a real look for teens/preteens! MANY kids find this to be an important look for them as well. And yes, I mean the dirty clothes too, not just the grubby looking clothes...actually dirty! And yes, I allow it. I do insist on clean underwear, and they don't give me a problem on that. But everything else is personal choice in our household, from jeans to shirts to hairstyle to bathing/showering rituals. We might express our preferences ("shower at least once every two days") but they only follow our preferences to the extent that THEY want to. We do NOT force.


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## huggerwocky (Jun 21, 2004)

As long as she doesn't stink into my nose...


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## Openskyheart (Nov 25, 2002)

I have an 11 year old dd and a 13 year old son. Both care very much about their clothes, hair, etc., but I haven't noticed either of them wanting to be dirty, or have their clothes be actually dirty. Of course, with my son's jeans, he buys the kind that look a bit grungy to begin with, but he definitely washes them at least once a week. He did go through a phase about a year or two ago when he didn't want to wash his clothes. I drew the line at food smears and splatters on his shirts, but otherwise, I didn't mind wrinkly, or a bit dirty. As for his hair, he has recently grown it longer, and he doesn't exactly comb it, but he does wet it down, and messes it up just so. He showers daily of his own accord, sometimes twice.

My dd buys jeans that are pre-ripped and strategically faded, but again, she washes her jeans at least once a week, and never wears her shirts more than twice before washing. She's in a non-showering phase, and I have had to ask her to shower when she's gotten stinky. She takes 10 hours of dance classes over 5 days a week, and she gets sweaty, and really does need to shower!

I guess the actually dirty look isn't a thing around here. I'm thinking about what their friends wear too, and I can't say I've noticed the dirty thing with any of them, either. Maybe it's a regional fashion? We don't exactly live in the sticks though, so...?

Shann - Just a couple of weeks ago I also got in trouble for washing my son's jeans! But it wasn't because he wanted them dirty, it was because 1) I went into his room - apparently I'm not allowed to do that anymore







, and 2) I didn't dry them in time for him to wear them to his classes. So, he's now doing his own laundry. Dd's been doing her own for awhile, so - bonus for me.









Fashion is not a battle I'm interested in fighting - but I do think clean underwear, and clean enough clothes (not disgusting with food drips, etc., not smelly) are important. There are also rules about clothes at the public school workshops they go to, and they willingly follow those: For girls, no bellies showing, no spaghetti straps. For boys - something about not wearing particular belt buckles and hats, none of which my son wears anyway.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

My ds (10) likes raggy jeans and he has shaggy, longish hair. It drives dh nuts and he'll make him change and will personally comb his hair, before going out in public with him ( he won't let the kids wear cut offs out either). I don't care if he looks scruffy, but I do draw the line at clean. I'm pleased that my kids just naturally in the habit of throwing theeir clothes in the hamper every night







His body and hair need to be clean- I am super sensitive to the smell of BO.


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

I couldn't handle my son being in public in dirty clothes. I just couldn't do it. I dont mind at home, and I dont fight him over showering more than once a week unless he is visably dirty. I dont even mind his pants being ripped or his shirts being too big (although the school here will write him up if he wears them there). I dont like shirts that are way too small on him, but I guess that is just my hang up stemming from a time when he had to wear shirts that were too small for him because I could not afford to buy him clothes.


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