# What would you do about this? Walked in on Son with his GF....



## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I am a Single mom have been for a few years well i have two kids a 17 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. Well my son has been with his girlfriend for the better part of 4 years a long time for teenagers and proud of the both of them. Well during the summer and school year i have always trusted my son to watch his little sister. Because i tend to work till about 5-7Pm give or take. Well the other night while he was supposed to be watching his sister i got home earlier then i thought and my daughter was watching TV which is pretty normal so i went upstairs to find my son and walked in on him and his girlfriend having sex. I am not entirely sure what to do about this i have been thinking about telling her parents i haven't talked to my son yet about it yet either, other then grounding him for a while until i deal with this. What should i do? Any advice is welcome.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

What is the issue for you? That they were having sex or that he was supposed to be supervising his little sister?

If it the former, I don't think there is much you can do. If you haven't already, have a conversation about safe sex and any ground rules you want to set about doing it in your house. 

If the problem is that he was not adequately supervising his sister or that she may have inadvertently witnessed them together, as you did, then spell out your expectations for that.

I personally don't think grounding is a useful disciplinary tool so it isn't how I would respond.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Well i can't really spank him i don't believe in that. I just don't think he was watching her well enough and that she might have walked in on it.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

10yos don't really require super-close supervision. You were fine with her watching television by herself until you realized that he was having sex. If he had been doing homework and she had been watching television, would you have been so upset?

That said, it is fair for you to set limits on what you will allow in your house. If you haven't set such limits, though, perhaps it's not fair to ground him.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Probably not i suppose just hard thinking of your son being sexually active.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

Kels08 said:


> Probably not i suppose just hard thinking of your son being sexually active.


It's time for a long talk about safer sex, birth control, and house rules.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Kels08 said:


> Well i can't really spank him i don't believe in that. I just don't think he was watching her well enough and that she might have walked in on it.


I agree  I should have clarified that i didn't think punishment was warranted at all.

I agree that it is hard to think of our children as sexual beings but that is our own issue to work through. As chickabiddy said, a chat about expectations and safe sex is your role here I think


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## Miss Muffet (Jan 31, 2014)

When you do have that discussion, have the GF present. She has been around your family plenty long enough to get lectured when the time comes. And you need to have a frank discussion with both of them about birth control etc. 
Speak with her before you speak to her parents. Her parents may or may not be comfortable with the idea of her having sex with your son, especially if there is an age difference.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I completely disagree with telling her parents or with speaking with her directly. She's about the same age I was the last time my father gave me a black eye. You could be putting her in danger.

Second, talk to your son and find it what he is doing to be responsible in this situation. He may be using birth control. He may not need a lecture. 

Third, get a lock for his room. 

If you wouldn't have been upset about your younger DD being down stairs by herself watching TV, then I wouldn't make a big issue of it. 

And again, I feel strongly that it is NOT your role to talk to the girls parents because you have no control over what they do with that information. The goal should be to build a more honest, adult relationship with your son, and to make sure he understands the importance of protecting himself and his partner.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Stay rational. Sex within a long term relationship isn't the worst thing your son could be doing. I would try not to over-react on that aspect. Just double check that they are being safe (every time with two forms of birth control is optimal) and reiterate and ground rules you've previously set with him in regards to your home and what is acceptable around the younger child.

If you've never set these ground rules, it's good to have a discussion on what is fair for the whole household.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

They are both the same age. I had a talk with him this morning and i un-grounded him. He also said she is on BC.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

You might have a conversation with him about how using condemns protects HIM from STDs, and is also his best bet for not becoming a father before he wants to. With anything else, he is counting on his partner to remember to use birth control correctly.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

One form of BC is enough when you are married, prefer to hold off on children but wouldn't be totally devastated with an unexpected pregnancy. When you are 17, the most fertile you'll be in your whole life, living at home with not even a high school diploma... two forms are best. They should be using her BC AND a condom. You can't force them but he should know that you aren't prepared to raise grandchildren and what HIS responsibilities will be should her BC fail.


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

Don't talk to her parents. She is almost an adult - it is crossing a boundary.

I would buy him a box of condoms and leave it in his room. 

I would definitely try and work it into the conversation that 2 forms of birth control are best - and that condoms are something he can control so he does not end up with an std or a pregnant girlfriend.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

They are both planning on attending the same college when they both graduate after this school year. And i haven't talked to her parents but from my understanding they knew before me because they have been active apparently for a little while. I guess my baby boy can't stay my baby forever. I gave him some money to go buy some condoms and i hope it is truly enough.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I think you are doing really well. It was a big shock, but you are getting through it. Good for you!


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Linda on the move said:


> I think you are doing really well. It was a big shock, but you are getting through it. Good for you!


I agree.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I suppose I mean I was kidding myself thinking he wasn't active with her since they have been together so long plus after this year they will be four hours away at college just hoping they make good choices.


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## Miss Muffet (Jan 31, 2014)

I would discuss with the girl. 

She has a huge influence of your sons future and whether or not you have a grandchild. I would speak with her just as openly as your son. She needs to hear the house rules from from you. Sometimes teens don't pass the message along the way you intended. She also needs to understand why two forms are important. 

The girl has been part of your family for four years, and it sounds like a few more when they head off to college. She is having sex with your son in your house. I think the goal of an open discussion should be with her as well. 

No- I wouldn't go to her parents- but I would treat her as an adult and have these conversations directly with her and your son.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I haven't had a chance to talk with her probably will talk to her on friday.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Son wants to go on a cruise with them over thanksgiving break her parents asked him apparently why am I always last to be let in on things.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

About supervising the little sister: I think there is a difference between doing homework in his room and having sex in his room, in terms of how well he was keeping an eye on her and how available he was if she needed him. My son is 9 1/2 (about the age of your daughter) and there have been very few times we, his parents, have had sex while he was awake in another room, whereas we would not hesitate to do desk work in another room while he's watching TV. Sex is more distracting and more private, so we save it for times when the kids are asleep or not around. You might want to discuss this idea with your son. But of course you have to think about what are the alternative times/places they could have sex....


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

First, if they have been together for 4 years, they most likely have a grip on the situation. Its hardly surprising they are sexually active. I have to admit, that seeing it with your own eyes is another matter, but thats why sex is private. You could have 'the talk' if you feel its necessary, but i assume you have had that already if they have been together for so long.

Second, your daughter is 10, and doesnt require that much supervision. You may need to get clarification on how to make sure the daughter doesnt walk in on them like you did. Knocking on the door helps. A person should always knock on bedroom and bathroom doors before entering. There also needs to be clarification on what happens in an emergency if the couple are otherwise engaged. But i think that applies to any kind of activity, such as having a shower. 

Those are my thoughts.

I agree with all the missmuffet said as well...


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

I think it is fair to place limits on whether you want them to be having sex in your home when babysitting is supposed to be going on. The two issues are somewhat separate. Set some ground rules about your expectations when you are not at home and also what your expectations of babysitting are.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I told them it needs to not happen while he is supposed to be keeping an eye on his sister.


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

I remember awhile ago there was a thread about whether or not it's okay for parents to be uncomfortable with another childs' parents having sex while their kid is sleeping over/otherwise under their supervision. Different people have different levels/boundaries/etc and that should be respected.

I intend that, by the time my kids are sexually active they'll be well familiar with sex, the consequences of it, etc. My issue wouldn't've been the sex (beyond hte obvious squick that no one wants to see their kids doing that seriously)- but I would not have been happy with them having sex when he's responsible for his little sister.

I'm assuming that the OP wasn't sneaking up on her son and probably made a fair amount of noise coming in, greeting the kids, etc- her son should have heard that and most teenagers would stop at that point. If her son didn't hear his mom come into the house, that'd make me _very_ concerned about what else he wouldn't've heard.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

sillysapling said:


> but I would not have been happy with them having sex when he's responsible for his little sister.


I read somewhere that the most common time of day for teens to have sex is between 3 and 6, so there is nothing surprising to me in this.

10 year olds don't need much supervision. In some ways, they need less supervision than teens because they are much less likely to be up to something we disapprove of.

I think that telling him he can't have sex after school brings up a very uncomfortable topic -- when and where he can have sex. Otherwise, it is really is a conversation imploring him to be more careful and not get caught again.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

THere are other questions: when, where, when mom is home? Does the OP want them to be having sex in the bedroom while she's there? While she's there and the little sister is there? Out in the open watching a movie if no one is in the same room? There is a reason for limits and most of us "endured" these limits (and perhaps were even grateful for them later...) In our quest to be open minded we can't throw the baby out with the bath water....


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

sillysapling said:


> I remember awhile ago there was a thread about whether or not it's okay for parents to be uncomfortable with another childs' parents having sex while their kid is sleeping over/otherwise under their supervision. Different people have different levels/boundaries/etc and that should be respected.
> 
> I intend that, by the time my kids are sexually active they'll be well familiar with sex, the consequences of it, etc. My issue wouldn't've been the sex (beyond hte obvious squick that no one wants to see their kids doing that seriously)- but I would not have been happy with them having sex when he's responsible for his little sister.
> 
> I'm assuming that the OP wasn't sneaking up on her son and probably made a fair amount of noise coming in, greeting the kids, etc- her son should have heard that and most teenagers would stop at that point. If her son didn't hear his mom come into the house, that'd make me _very_ concerned about what else he wouldn't've heard.


We live in a Two story home and he had music blaring in his room so no he didn't hear me come in or coming up the stairs.


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## Usually Curious (Apr 26, 2006)

Kels08 said:


> We live in a Two story home and he had music blaring in his room so no he didn't hear me come in or coming up the stairs.


As a mom who's raised a daughter to adulthood, I have to say that absolutely yes, her parents needed to know. Thankfully, they know all ready (I wonder why they didn't talk to you!). I would have given her the chance to tell them, but if she was unwilling they still needed to know.

I really don't understand why anyone would give the advice to not tell parents (with the exception of abusive parents and that raised a whole laundry list of other questions).


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Kels08 said:


> We live in a Two story home and he had music blaring in his room so no he didn't hear me come in or coming up the stairs.


So did you open a closed door into his room????


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

lauren said:


> So did you open a closed door into his room????


Yes, why?


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

Usually Curious said:


> I really don't understand why anyone would give the advice to not tell parents (with the exception of abusive parents and that raised a whole laundry list of other questions).


To tell her parents that she's become sexually active with your ds? If that's what you mean, I absolutely would not do so.

I think that one has the right to privacy and self-determination long before legally being an adult, and that unless there is a significant risk of serious and imminent harm, a parent should respect those rights especially when dealing with _someone else's_ almost-adult. I'm the parent to two teens and a 20-year-old, and I do not believe that it is my right as their parent to know what they're doing with their bodies in the privacy of personal romantic relationships if they don't want me to know. Obviously I hope that they'll feel comfortable talking to me, but if they weren't I would never consider it my right to know anyway.

I may be misunderstanding what you meant.

Miranda


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Usually Curious said:


> I really don't understand why anyone would give the advice to not tell parents (with the exception of abusive parents and that raised a whole laundry list of other questions).


Because you really don't know how some one else treats their child.

My father beat me up for less as a teen. Beat me up. Black eye and bruises. And I really doubt that ANYONE who know him would have suspected he was capable of it.

Also called me a whore and told me he wished I hadn't been born. Kicked me out of the house.

And again, I really doubt that ANYONE who know him would have suspected he was capable of it.

I deeply feel that it is our job as parents to build the kind of relationship with our children where they feel they can be honest with us, and that if we don't do that, it isn't any one else's job to tell us what is going on.

Sometimes when teens don't tell their parents things, they have good cause.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Kels08 said:


> Yes, why?


Because I think that crosses a line. Somewhere in your mind you must have known what 'might' be going on behind a closed door with loud music with 2 seventeen year olds in the room. And what you might see. That's all.


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## Usually Curious (Apr 26, 2006)

Linda on the move said:


> Because you really don't know how some one else treats their child.
> 
> My father beat me up for less as a teen. Beat me up. Black eye and bruises. And I really doubt that ANYONE who know him would have suspected he was capable of it.
> 
> ...


And that is why I included the qualifier. What you suffered is inexcusable, but surely you realize that is the exception, not the rule?


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## Usually Curious (Apr 26, 2006)

moominmamma said:


> To tell her parents that she's become sexually active with your ds? If that's what you mean, I absolutely would not do so.
> 
> I think that one has the right to privacy and self-determination long before legally being an adult, and that unless there is a significant risk of serious and imminent harm, a parent should respect those rights especially when dealing with _someone else's_ almost-adult. I'm the parent to two teens and a 20-year-old, and I do not believe that it is my right as their parent to know what they're doing with their bodies in the privacy of personal romantic relationships if they don't want me to know. Obviously I hope that they'll feel comfortable talking to me, but if they weren't I would never consider it my right to know anyway.
> 
> ...


Because what they're doing with their bodies in private may not be safe or wise. Teenager, heck, young adults, still need some guidance from their parents. For example, OP admitted that they were not using condoms. BC pills are okay for stopping pregnancy (sometimes) but they don't stop STIs, which are RAMPANT among the population!


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## rachelsmama (Jun 20, 2005)

Usually Curious said:


> And that is why I included the qualifier. What you suffered is inexcusable, but surely you realize that is the exception, not the rule?


As Linda pointed out, you wouldn't have known that her family was the exception, and among abusive families, hers would be the rule, the easily spotted abuse would be the exception.

In addition to the obvious problem of not knowing which family is abusive and all the potential harm that could be caused by telling, there are many parents whose way of coping with the topic of teenage sex is to simply try very hard not to know that their kid is sexually active. Bursting the parents' bubble would be an unkindness, especially in a case where the teens are already being reasonably responsible.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

Usually Curious said:


> Because what they're doing with their bodies in private may not be safe or wise.


How is telling the girl's parents that she's having sex going to make the boy more likely to don a condom? Let's be realistic here. It's been a good number of years since I was a teen but I remember this: over-riding a teen's desire for privacy and autonomy is one of the quickest ways to shut down all trust and respect and thereby any openness to guidance.

Miranda


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

I have to agree. Unless you truly believe a teen is a victim of abuse, perhaps in a situation with a much older person or mentally incapable of truly giving consent, telling the parents may do more harm than good. Two 17-year-olds that have been in a committed relationship for 4 years don't really qualify as any of those things.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Usually Curious said:


> And that is why I included the qualifier. What you suffered is inexcusable, but surely you realize that is the exception, not the rule?


Because you have absolutely no idea if you are dealing with the exception or the rule. And for the minors who are the exception, the consequences are too great.

I also agree with others that doing anything that shuts down communication or trust is unwise. If you want your teen or young adult to give even the slightest crap what you have to say, you must treat them with respect. This is way, way past the stage when you control things in their lives. The best we have is *influence,* and that requires we are respectful.

I think the core problem is that many, many parents don't accept that their offspring are sexual beings who will eventually have sex, and that they will make their own choices (hopefully) and when to be sexual and who to be sexual with.

I put the hopefully in there because the rape stats are so high.

Honestly, as parents of teens we have much bigger things to worry about that our kids who are in monogamous relationships having sex while using hormonal birth control. Chances are, the teens int he OP have only ever been with each other. (They've been a couple since they were 13). Condoms are a great habit, I'm all for them. But really, those two sound like they had their bases covered.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

I would be pissed about the sex during babysitting. It's not appropriate to seclude yourself away, with loud music and not be able to at least hear what was going on in the rest of the house while babysitting. Also, if his sister needed something, having to walk in on your brother and his gf is not acceptable for a 10 year old, or any sibling. You have sex on your time, not the time you are supposed to be doing something else.

It's not my place to tell anyone about my child's or their child's sex life. I would say nothing. I would up my safe sex talks, make it very well understood that I expect clothing on when he's babysitting


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## Usually Curious (Apr 26, 2006)

whatsnextmom said:


> I have to agree. Unless you truly believe a teen is a victim of abuse, perhaps in a situation with a much older person or mentally incapable of truly giving consent, telling the parents may do more harm than good. Two 17-year-olds that have been in a committed relationship for 4 years don't really qualify as any of those things.


I completely and totally disagree with all of you that say the parents of the girl should not know. Having raised children to adulthood--adult children with whom I have great, open relationships. However, we can agree to disagree. But you must acknowledge that not everyone agrees with you and that some parents actually care and want to know in order to protect their children.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Kels08 said:


> We live in a Two story home and he had music blaring in his room so no he didn't hear me come in or coming up the stairs.


Having said this, it strikes me that the loud music, rather than the sex, is the problem here. Its a problem from the point of view of babysitting. If he cant hear, he cant respond to a problem situation. Its a problem from the point of view of keeping sex private- he didnt know you were trying to see him , and wouldnt know if his sister was about to enter.

So i would say- turn down the music, and dont do anything that compromises your ability to take care of your sister. I actually think the sex part of it is irrelevant. (If she were alot younger, i would say, dont have sex while taking care of her, but at 10, i dont think its a problem)

Btw, i didnt mean to imply in my above post that you walked in on him, or were being rude in any way. I was just stating a rule of thumb, namely, knocking on doors before entering. It wasnt clear to me at the time whether or not you had knocked.

I agree with above posters that people have the right to privacy and bodily integrity, no matter their age.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I wanted to add, that i cant think of anything more benign and innocent than two consenting 17 year olds who have been in a relationship for 4 years, having sex. I dont see it as a red flag in anyway. Im not even sue why the subject of telling the parents came up. 

I could see the dilemma of wanting to tell the parents if your kids were 13 (and they were probably having sex then for all you know), but not at 17. I can see the dilemma, because as a parent, i would want to know if my kids were sexually active. At the same time, if she hasnt told her parents, then maybe its because she cant trust them. Its a dilemma, i agree, one which is best approached by talking to your son and his girlfriend.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Usually Curious said:


> some parents actually care and want to know in order to protect their children.


Then those parents should have built that relationship with their child.

In this situation, there's nothing to "protect" either teen from.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

lauren said:


> Because I think that crosses a line. Somewhere in your mind you must have known what 'might' be going on behind a closed door with loud music with 2 seventeen year olds in the room. And what you might see. That's all.


I didn't know she was over.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

contactmaya said:


> I wanted to add, that i cant think of anything more benign and innocent than two consenting 17 year olds who have been in a relationship for 4 years, having sex. I dont see it as a red flag in anyway. Im not even sue why the subject of telling the parents came up.


Because in the first post, OP said she hadn't decided whether to tell the girl's parents or not.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

By asking that, i meant, why the subject even came up in the OP's mind...


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

contactmaya said:


> By asking that, i meant, why the subject even came up in the OP's mind...


Oh, I see. Ha! Sorry, I thought you meant how it came up for discussion in the thread.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Usually Curious said:


> But you must acknowledge that not everyone agrees with you and that some parents actually care and want to know in order to protect their children.


Sure! I'll agree that not everyone agrees with me if YOU agree that those that disagree with you "actually care" and want to protect their children too.

That's perfectly fair.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

They both have relatively good steady jobs and both responsible.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Kels08 said:


> They both have relatively good steady jobs and both responsible.


They sound very responsible, and they are heading to college.

Good for you for raising a responsible son who is capable of solid relationship with a nice young woman.

I'm sure it came as a shock, but I think it is normal for many teens/young adults to keep these things private from their parents.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

My oldest is only 9, but this thread has made me think about how, as a mother, i can best ensure his interests are taken care of when he becomes sexually active. Respecting privacy and autonomy are only the first part of the equation. I will *want* to know if he is happy, practising safe sex, being used/manipulated, or in a healthy loving relationship. I want to be in a position where i can advise, and without knowing all the details, that everything is ok for him.

This is a difficult balancing act for a parent to achieve (yet more challenges ahead i see. This job is so very challenging!!!) 
I hope that as we speak i am mothering in a way that builds trust, because that is the only way i see both his needs for autonomy and mine for being an effective parent, are met.

Looking back, i would have felt very embarassed talking to my own parents about my sex life. I wonder if that was how i was raised (cultural), and whether it is possible to be open about sex with one's parents?

As it is, we talk openly about the body, using correct terminology have books about reproduction lying around (which my 9yo has read voraciously) 

I dont mean to highjack the thread, but see this as relevant insofar as it speaks to the 'prevention' versus the 'cure' aspect of the dilemma.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Overheard them talking last night she is almost two weeks late.


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Kels08 said:


> Overheard them talking last night she is almost two weeks late.


Hmm. Are you going to confront them?


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## Usually Curious (Apr 26, 2006)

whatsnextmom said:


> Sure! I'll agree that not everyone agrees with me if YOU agree that those that disagree with you "actually care" and want to protect their children too.
> 
> That's perfectly fair.


I don't have a problem with that. Parents show they care in different ways, don't they?


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

mamabear0314 said:


> Hmm. Are you going to confront them?


Talk to my Son when i get home.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

So she might be pregnant well Oh boy.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

If she is two weeks late, a pregnancy test should be accurate at this point. They need to know exactly what they are dealing with. Buy them a test. If it is positive, discuss all the options. If it is negative, this is a good time to emphasize that they need to use at least two reliable methods of birth control.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Well it was positive.


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## Miss Muffet (Jan 31, 2014)

I hope you will have open dialogue with both of them, not just your son. 

If her parents are going to flip out and she ends up on your doorstep looking for a home, you need to be aware. 

This is no longer a privacy issue, it's a family issue and they need an adult to discuss things with to help them figure out the best path for them. 

Good luck.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

First of all I am shocked that it never occurred to you that your son could be sexually active. Esp. Being in a committed relationship for 4 years. 

But I don't fault you for that. I can see that being a personal issue.

The thing is I see this as a whole other issue. I think you have to define what supervision means. I would figure it out for urself and then talk to both your son and daughter and make sure you are on the right page. In our neighborhood by ur dd's age there are a couple of latch key kids with neighbors around them if they need help.

I personally would have an issue with blaring music and closed door and supervision in ur situation.

Plus do you think its fair for ur son to be spending all his afternoon and early evening watching his little SIS. If he were to go out he would do that after 5 -7 pm? When does he hang out with his buddies and gf..

In a year or two he'll be gone. 

I think you have a lot to think about and figure out. Unless your dd has some issues all ur son is a warm body - a warm reassuring presence in the household. 

It is mighty nice he helps out. He sounds like a wonderful and responsible young man, but with teen hormones.

In my personal book he has done no wrong, except perhaps not locking his door. 

Going by what I heard ten year talk on the play field it won't surprise me of what your dd knows. At that age dd knew she needed to give her dad and new gf some slack. 

I would also talk to your dd too if u haven't already done so esp if u started your periods early. Dd had kids start in 4 th grade.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I have an open dialog with both she was in tears last night and actually surprised how well my son did in trying to comfort her.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Going to dinner with my son and his girlfriend and her parents to talk everything through.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

They are going to keep it and Everyone is going to help out.


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## BlessedOne (Apr 22, 2008)

Unfortunately teens (many times even adults) are not the most responsible in regards to always using birth control properly. I know because I was a teen that got pregnant. I was in a "committed" relationship of two years, but once he found out I was pregnant, I was kicked to the curb. I am glad that things seem to be going better for this scenario. But I know from my experience that I don't plan to allow my kids as teens to become sexually active. I know our sex drives are natural parts of our lives, but I do think that too many times, it ends badly (unplanned pregnancy, STDs, heartache and so forth). I know for me that was the worst time of my life and the one thing that I truly wish I could change in my past (not having the child...but WHEN it happened). I don't want my kids to go through that. Also, people have seemed to focus on birth control, but not as much on STDs. I had a close friend that got an STD. She thought she was covering the bases by sleeping with only the one guy....but little did you she know that he had gotten it before being with her. It was a very hard time for her. Too many times, teens (and even adults) don't think about STDs, but only preventing pregnancy. And in both instances, many times preventative measures are not properly taken. Little do people know how much these decisions can change their life. I had huge plans for my life that were pretty much shattered the moment the test came back positive. I thankfully finished high school (but it was hard) and college ended up not working out, as I couldn't always have a sitter and sometimes had to take my child with me to class. Taking finals while trying to keep a baby quiet is not easy. So I ended up quitting and have never gone back even though I have really wanted to. I think avoiding sex as a teen (or possibly even young adult...if not ready for the possible outcome) is very important. I know most of you wouldn't agree with me, but I am speaking from the other side of the equation.....as someone that has had their life turned upside down by their decisions. I wasn't sexually active with a lot of people as a teen (only 2), but I did start being sexually active at a very young age (barely 15) but then stopped until the latter part of the two year relationship....which ended in MAJOR heartache. Thankfully my story ends good as the guy and I eventually got back together and now have been married for going on 13 years and now have 5 other kids. But let me just say it was a VERY hard road. It is a road that I want my kids to avoid at all costs. I don't care if I look like the over protective mother or the uncool mom, I don't want my kids going through what I did. I don't care if I have to violate privacy....if they live in the house I pay for, then there will be rules and they will be enforced. My parents didn't enforce anything when I was growing up. They would have rules, but I would break them without even a blink of an eye and they wouldn't do a thing about it. Case and point- my curfew as an older teen was midnight. But I would constantly be coming in at 2 am. They knew about it, but never did anything about it.....so I kept doing it. And of course while I was out....I was literally DOING IT. I know people talk about giving their kids privacy ....but honestly, I think that many times that is just hurting things more. If I had less privacy, I am sure the outcome would have been different. As I said previously, I am sure most of you wont agree with me and that is fine. But coming from a person that in retrospect wishes that her parents would have enforced rules, I plan to be very strict on such things when the time comes. 
Don't bother arguing with me or saying why you think I am wrong or how I am going to ruin my kids.....because all of that is not going to change my decision and in reality would just make us all argue. So feel free to keep your opposing opinions to yourself 
To the OP, I hope the scenario continues to pan out well for you and your family. =)


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

My son is fully committed to his girlfriend now more then ever. And has even gotten really protective of her. I doubt he is going to kick her to the curb.


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## JayW (Aug 20, 2014)

*it's time to reframe your image of your little boy*

Dear Kels, 
Congratulations, you are going to be a Grandma! I truly mean that, and I have been where you are today! 
I cried when a colleage said this to me for the first time, and she had been down this rocky path before either of us.

My darling 'Baby Grand' is soon to be 21 and will graduate from University in January. Like you, I was shocked to discover my son, a 'Minor Niner' was having sex, I simply couldn't imagine it foolish me!

I want you to know that with your love and support this will work out. Babies are a gift that bring their own love with them. I say this as a strong pro-choice advocate and birth doula. It will not be easy but it can be done. Having read everyone's comments I want you to know that the hardest moments are yet to come. The key to the next few years is respect and trust. It will be hard. It will be hard to let them be parents, it will be hard not assume you know better than them, and it will be hard to let them struggle and make there own decisions and trust that they can do this. It is really hard to see the condemnation and judgement other people will cast their way when you can see that these young people are doing their very best. It is hard to trust yourself and know that you have taught him well and because of that you can and should let him be the father he will be. My doing this you will show your confidence in the man he is and allow him to grow in his role.

Our kids continued to live apart each with their parents. Our son took his son over night on alternating nights from the 8th day. He firmly told me the child was his son and to back off ( in nicer terms) He diapered, fed and bathed the Grand and returned him in the morning. He studied on alternate nights and got a weekend job. He graduated on time with excellent grades. In the year that the child was born I went to a parent teacher conference and had a teacher say "I don't know what has turned the page for **** but he has really settled down and focused." I believe it was a fishing expedition as our Grandson's mother was also a student at the school but the tale was not mine to tell, and I said nothing. Our Grandson's mother was out of school for 3 months but made up the time and graduated with her class. Both mother and father went on to university and got their degrees. They were together for 5 years but separated. That said there are many marriages that don't last that long and they were just 16 and 17 when our Grand was born and very different in their personalities and aspirations. The Grand continued to shuttle back and forth in the beginning alternate nights and then 4 days /3 days and 3 days/4 days as his parents schedules dictated and they negotiated. I have to say there were times when I needed a thicker skin from seemingly well meaning people who offered their opinions and voiced their concerns but I have to tell you it worked out for our family and it can work out for yours. I wish your son every success and the very best. There is untold magic in being a Grandparent, look forward to it with joy )


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Following the discussion. Kudos to the OP for her handling of the situation--even the grounding was not so far off base since it was followed by a good discussion. Not so sure I would have handled it better in the moment myself.

BlessedOne, thank you for speaking from your experience. I wonder what the road would have looked like with more postpartum support from family and friends alike? I also bristle when the sex protection focuses solely on pregnancy. Honestly, I am more immediately concerned with STDs! 

I don't think that "babies are a gift". Babies are wonderful and one of the hardest responsibilities to take on. I would not wish this "gift" on anyone. But, having said that, I don't think they should be like a death knell and treated by family as somberly as we would a funeral. I'm not faced with that as a prospective grandmother yet, and I always would wish that motherhood was taken on more intentionally if at all possible. However, I'd like to think that I could work with it as just another (really, really big) challenge for my daughter and her partner and for us as grandparents.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Blessed One wrote:


> I don't plan to allow my kids as teens to become sexually active.


I think what you mean is, "I will strongly discourage my kids as teens from becoming sexually active, and if I find out that they have, there will be dire consequences." It isn't something you can absolutely prevent. But I completely understand why you want to, and I think it's an acceptable position for parents to take.

Kels08, I'm so glad to hear that all family members are pulling together to get ready for this big change in your lives! What a coincidence that you found out your son was sexually active such a short time before finding out about the pregnancy! I hope that having the chance to adjust to one idea at a time was helpful for you. This is going to be stressful in any case, but it sounds like it's going about as well as it can.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

They want to move in together after graduation.


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## craftyfrugalmom (Aug 19, 2014)

Kels08 said:


> I am a Single mom have been for a few years well i have two kids a 17 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. Well my son has been with his girlfriend for the better part of 4 years a long time for teenagers and proud of the both of them. Well during the summer and school year i have always trusted my son to watch his little sister. Because i tend to work till about 5-7Pm give or take. Well the other night while he was supposed to be watching his sister i got home earlier then i thought and my daughter was watching TV which is pretty normal so i went upstairs to find my son and walked in on him and his girlfriend having sex. I am not entirely sure what to do about this i have been thinking about telling her parents i haven't talked to my son yet about it yet either, other then grounding him for a while until i deal with this. What should i do? Any advice is welcome.


I'm not sure what I would do about this. My son is only 3 so I guess I haven't given it a lot of thought. Definitely grounding, and I would most certainly tell her parents. Not only should he not be having sex, but he should be watching his sister and that is showing a lack of responsibility. I would probably take away anything that you think requires responsibility to own, such as a cell phone or, if he drives, his keys. Make sure he knows he won't get them back unless he can prove that he can be responsible. Whatever he does in his own home when he is old enough to get his own place is his business, but as long as he is under your roof, he will follow your rules. I would also not allow the girlfriend over at the house unless you are home and can supervise the two of them together, and I would coordinate with her parents to try and make the same rule at their house. Of course you can't control what other parents do but there's no harm in trying. I think it's a reasonable request.


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## craftyfrugalmom (Aug 19, 2014)

BlessedOne said:


> Unfortunately teens (many times even adults) are not the most responsible in regards to always using birth control properly. I know because I was a teen that got pregnant. I was in a "committed" relationship of two years, but once he found out I was pregnant, I was kicked to the curb. I am glad that things seem to be going better for this scenario. But I know from my experience that I don't plan to allow my kids as teens to become sexually active. I know our sex drives are natural parts of our lives, but I do think that too many times, it ends badly (unplanned pregnancy, STDs, heartache and so forth). I know for me that was the worst time of my life and the one thing that I truly wish I could change in my past (not having the child...but WHEN it happened). I don't want my kids to go through that. Also, people have seemed to focus on birth control, but not as much on STDs. I had a close friend that got an STD. She thought she was covering the bases by sleeping with only the one guy....but little did you she know that he had gotten it before being with her. It was a very hard time for her. Too many times, teens (and even adults) don't think about STDs, but only preventing pregnancy. And in both instances, many times preventative measures are not properly taken. Little do people know how much these decisions can change their life. I had huge plans for my life that were pretty much shattered the moment the test came back positive. I thankfully finished high school (but it was hard) and college ended up not working out, as I couldn't always have a sitter and sometimes had to take my child with me to class. Taking finals while trying to keep a baby quiet is not easy. So I ended up quitting and have never gone back even though I have really wanted to. I think avoiding sex as a teen (or possibly even young adult...if not ready for the possible outcome) is very important. I know most of you wouldn't agree with me, but I am speaking from the other side of the equation.....as someone that has had their life turned upside down by their decisions. I wasn't sexually active with a lot of people as a teen (only 2), but I did start being sexually active at a very young age (barely 15) but then stopped until the latter part of the two year relationship....which ended in MAJOR heartache. Thankfully my story ends good as the guy and I eventually got back together and now have been married for going on 13 years and now have 5 other kids. But let me just say it was a VERY hard road. It is a road that I want my kids to avoid at all costs. I don't care if I look like the over protective mother or the uncool mom, I don't want my kids going through what I did. I don't care if I have to violate privacy....if they live in the house I pay for, then there will be rules and they will be enforced. My parents didn't enforce anything when I was growing up. They would have rules, but I would break them without even a blink of an eye and they wouldn't do a thing about it. Case and point- my curfew as an older teen was midnight. But I would constantly be coming in at 2 am. They knew about it, but never did anything about it.....so I kept doing it. And of course while I was out....I was literally DOING IT. I know people talk about giving their kids privacy ....but honestly, I think that many times that is just hurting things more. If I had less privacy, I am sure the outcome would have been different. As I said previously, I am sure most of you wont agree with me and that is fine. But coming from a person that in retrospect wishes that her parents would have enforced rules, I plan to be very strict on such things when the time comes.
> Don't bother arguing with me or saying why you think I am wrong or how I am going to ruin my kids.....because all of that is not going to change my decision and in reality would just make us all argue. So feel free to keep your opposing opinions to yourself
> To the OP, I hope the scenario continues to pan out well for you and your family. =)


BlessedOne, I think it was awesome of you to speak out and share your own experiences with teen pregnancy. I'm glad it's worked out for you, but you are right it doesn't always go that way. I had a friend that got pregnant in high school and had to put the baby up for adoption. She actually did an open adoption so she still saw her, but in Texas that's not legally recognized so if the adoptive parents had withdrawn her visitation, there's nothing she could've done. Fortunately they were very cooperative. I met another girl on the bus once that was pregnant and about to burst at 15. The guy did nothing, but her mom thankfully was extremely supportive and willing to help her raise her child. Kids make mistakes sometimes, and what annoys me to no end is parents that don't support them. Sure chastise them, ground them, give whatever discipline is fair, but don't punish them forever, and don't punish the child who did nothing at all. That's the way I see it.


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## BlessedOne (Apr 22, 2008)

Kels08 said:


> My son is fully committed to his girlfriend now more then ever. And has even gotten really protective of her. I doubt he is going to kick her to the curb.


I never said he would. I was saying that is one of the main reasons why I don't plan to allow my kids to be sexually active before marriage.


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## BlessedOne (Apr 22, 2008)

EnviroBecca said:


> Blessed One wrote:I think what you mean is, "I will strongly discourage my kids as teens from becoming sexually active, and if I find out that they have, there will be dire consequences." It isn't something you can absolutely prevent. But I completely understand why you want to, and I think it's an acceptable position for parents to take.
> QUOTE]
> I understand what you are saying, but I think the biggest way to prevent such things are to not allow for things that put them in a scenario where sex would likely happen. For instance, I don't plan to allow my kids to go on dates by themselves. They can group date with trusted friends or family but alone time with their boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn't be allowed. I know that sounds over bearing and drastic and many of you cringe at that idea. But that is how I plan to do things. I know I personally wasn't doing anything overly sexual unless in comforts of privacy. One of the biggest issues in my situation was that the guy I was with, had his "own place". His parents owned a little guest house and that is where he lived (although some of the time he did live with his parents)....but we didn't have sex in his parents house or my parents house. I know most teens do not have that luxury, but I think that sometimes too much privacy is a bad thing. But to each their own


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## BlessedOne (Apr 22, 2008)

Yes, I know that many times the scenario doesn't end up good with teen pregnancy. I personally know 5 other people that had teen pregnancies. Out of the five only 1 finished school. I had one friend who got pregnant at 17 (the one that finished school) and had an abortion. She is still very emotionally scarred and that was 15 years ago. My other friend got pregnant at 16. The guy and her married (they actually intentionally got pregnant because they knew that was the only way they would be allowed to marry). Shortly into the marriage, she realized the guy wasn't "a keeper". The guy had moved her several states away from her family and then left her. When she finally made it back home to family, she continually was concerned that he would show up and steal her child (he kept threatening to). He wouldn't sign off on divorce papers and she wasn't able to marry her new husband until after her x ended up committing suicide. It was a very bad ordeal and of course a child was being drug through the whole situation. All of the other situations ended badly except one. With that one, although she didn't finish school the guy and her got married and are still together today. 

To the Op- I am really glad that both families are coming together to help your son, his girlfriend and your grandchild. 
Btw CONGRATS GRANDMA!


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

BlessedOne said:


> I never said he would. I was saying that is one of the main reasons why I don't plan to allow my kids to be sexually active before marriage.


Can't really allow or control that part of your kids.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

They have become nearly inseparable now.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

BlessedOne said:


> I understand what you are saying, but I think the biggest way to prevent such things are to not allow for things that put them in a scenario where sex would likely happen. For instance, I don't plan to allow my kids to go on dates by themselves. They can group date with trusted friends or family but alone time with their boyfriend/girlfriend wouldn't be allowed.


You have a lot in common with my mother. She was also a teen mother, and she was also committed to making sure that my sister and I did not have sex. My parents were against all dating. (Which is what my father beat up for, BTW, not sex).

My sister has serious mental health issue and is sexually dysfunctional.

I left home at 18 and didn't speak to my parents for years. We have a very distant relationship now.

One of the many things I learned from their approach is that I ruined their lives, and that the state of my vagina was more important to them than anything else going on with me.

I still have trouble accepting that my DH, who I've been with for 20 years, loves me unconditionally because my parent never did. They never wanted me, they made it clear that I ruined their lives, and they made what little positive feedback I got from them very conditional.

So I do things very differently with my own kids.

I believe that having a baby before one is truly ready makes life different than it would have been, and more difficult. But a new human being is completely incapable of RUINING anyone's live. Our lives are what we make them and how we face the challenges that come our way. Difficulties can bring out the best in people.

I focus on teaching my kids to make their choices on what they feel will serve them best in the long run, and accepting responsibility for their decisions. I'm not trying to control them, I'm trying to teach them how to be competent adults.

BTW, I think it sounds like the OPer raised her son to be a good man, to be caring and responsible.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Kels08 wow. what a lot of emotions you've had to go through quickly. 

how are you feeling? freaked out or getting excited about a grandbaby. how is your dd taking all these latest news? 

a baby is a baby. so congratulations. it will be wonderful to see your son as a dad. 

BlessedOne - marriage, or getting together is all a lottery. we have perfect examples on our board itself. some older mama's have been together with their college sweethearts as teen parents. some have not. others had children when young. they were able to fight all odds and survive. and some had to give baby up for adoption.

so what i am saying - there is this inherent idea that teen pregnancy is bad. it so differs from family to family. having a child at any age is hard. having a child as a single mom at any age is hard. i feel sometimes its actually easier to have a child in your teens IF you have an extended family, because with a high school near by with a high rate of young parents i see the whole family pooling in.

with support at any age - parenting is not such an arduous task. without help at any age its hard. throw in some poverty into that and that's a whole new other thing.

i have had family members who had babies in high school. yes life was tough, it was hard but they managed and today as those kids go to college their parents wouldnt do it any other way. none of the kids went to college but they eek out a pretty good life. 

i wonder if those whose life was messed up - if they were already heading that way? would a baby have changed that much? 

in some cultures here by high school some of the girls have decided they want to settle down and have kids. 

if the pregnant mother already has parents who went to college, her chances of going to college and being able to finish it are higher than parents who didnt go to college. however the % of kids finishing college is dismal. 

which is why i have told my dd i hope she does not get pregnant, but if she does i will be there fully to support her.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Linda on the move said:


> BTW, I think it sounds like the OPer raised her son to be a good man, to be caring and responsible.


I don't this deserves a "BTW", I think this should be the central focus of this thread. This young man is stepping up to this challenge, both emotionally and physically. What an excellent outcome to an extremely difficult situation. Hopefully he will continue to have the support of both his families. He and his girlfriend will need it.


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## BlessedOne (Apr 22, 2008)

In regards to control- sure I can not control my kids, however along with proper guidance, I can limit the probability of such things occurring. I understand everyone has different thoughts on it and that is fine. 

In regards to the "ruined life" statement- It is sad that a parent would say such things to their child. My daughter didn't even find out that she was conceived before her dad and I got married, until maybe a month ago. I didn't find the need to tell her as it is irrelevant to her. The only reason she found out was that I told her one of my passcodes, which happened to be my anniversary. I told her that she could easily remember it because it was my anniversary. She then put two and two together that the dates didn't line up and that she was conceived before her dad and I got married. =S
To my knowledge, I never said my life was ruined. I might have said that my plans were ruined...but definitely not my life. Yes, for a season my life was terribly hard......even with support from my parents. As soon as my parents found out, they supported me in every way that they could have.......but that doesn't fix the fact that I felt abandoned by the father of the child (who had prior to getting pregnant swore he would NEVER do such a thing). Unfortunately my parents were not new to the whole teen pregnancy concept. My oldest brother had gotten his 15 year old girl friend pregnant years earlier. My parents provided them with housing and everything they needed until their relationship ended. Even after that they continued to support my brother and his children......even until this day they house my brother and his two kids who are now teenagers themselves. 

Also, yes I think it is great that your young man is being so responsible in this situation


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Think i will start letting them sleep over wherever she can't get anymore pregnant.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Sons giving up baseball and football to get more hours at work


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## farmermomma (Oct 30, 2012)

Good for him. Glad you're letting her stay as much as possible. Let him support her as much as he can. Let him feel the pain and sacrifices of the pregnancy. The baby will be that much more precious because of it. Congrats Grandma.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Thanks her parents are out on business this weekend so she is staying here this weekend. I am honestly amazed they never fight they just are so perfect it blows my mind. Son was offered a scholarship for baseball I guess he is going to lose it now.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Is it the college local? I would strongly encourage him to continue with the scholarship in that case, if he can secure help from you and her parents. What arrangements can be made to house the two of them so he can go to college, and they don't have to worry about rent?


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

College is about five hours away.


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## Miss Muffet (Jan 31, 2014)

SweetSilver said:


> Is it the college local? I would strongly encourage him to continue with the scholarship in that case, if he can secure help from you and her parents. What arrangements can be made to house the two of them so he can go to college, and they don't have to worry about rent?


I agree if the school is local, he should continue his schooling. And hopefully he picked a major that will lead to a decent paying job after graduation.

And if the grandparents can swing supporting them and the baby for the next few years, then send her to school too. The best you can do for your grand baby is help it's parents to be successful. Nurses are in high demand, pay well, and only a 2 year program. It will pay enough for them to get on their own and be self supporting quickly.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Will have to discuss that with her parents when they get back into town.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Wake up at 3 am to screams from my son's girlfriend run in and he is having a seizure so now at the ER trying to figure out what's going on.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Oh dear! Is this new for him?


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Yeah never ever happened before. Doctors are saying it's stress.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

They are going to keep my son in the hospital next few days and run some tests to see what's going on. Son and his girlfriend have a bond i haven't seen in teens ever before.


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## lauranhc (Apr 19, 2013)

Kels08 said:


> They are going to keep my son in the hospital next few days and run some tests to see what's going on. Son and his girlfriend have a bond i haven't seen in teens ever before.


OP--for what it's worth I was in a similar situation. Found out I was pregnant at 19, totally unexpected and I was terrified. I remember the first thing my mom said to me... "We don't love you any less and quitting school is not an option."

It was so hard to do school and baby but now, almost 5 years down the road I am so glad that I stuck through it and finished school. Even if your son isn't able to do the school far away with the scholarship I strongly encourage you to encourage your son to continue his education. Whether it's a 4 year degree, tech school, or trade school etc. an education will benefit him and his family the most in the long run. It can be stressful and completely overwhelming but I kept telling myself "short term sacrifice for a long term reward."

I remember all the stress, anxiety, disappointment and fear the initial months after I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. What I can say is, that now, 5 years down the road, I (and my family) could not imagine life any other way. Just remember whenever you or your son or his girlfriend are feeling overwhelmed or like any of this is more than you can handle that "this too shall pass."

Congratulations on your soon to be grandbaby. Babies are a blessing, families are a blessing, and children who have parents that love and support them through any situation are so very lucky, myself and your son included.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

None of the tests so far can tell us what is going on with him and why he had this seizure.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Kels08 said:


> None of the tests so far can tell us what is going on with him and why he had this seizure.


I hope you find answers soon!

If it is stress (which would be understandable), I often find the decision making process to be more stressful than the actual decision. So, in this case, he has been faced with several decisions all at once. (not alone, but they all affect him) Getting a plan in place may help him out a lot. He and his gf need to be the decision makers-- everyone else needs to be support. By support, I mean that you give input, listen, let them know how you can and can not help, etc. Before making the big college decision, perhaps call the school and let them know what is going on.

Five hours isn't that far away. The school may have a housing allowance for him to go with the scholarship. It sounds like he and the gf will live together. Having those things paid for would make life so much easier. Grandparents might find that they take turns visiting during finals weeks so the parents can study and sleep while grandma helps with the baby.

Anyways, call the school. Find out how they handle these scenarios. Getting all the information will help the couple make the right decision for them. Once the decisions are made, things will hopefully be a bit less stressful. It will still be hard work.

Good luck! I really hope the doctors figure out what is going on soon.

Amy


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Totally agree with AAK. Dropping the scholarship would be the last option, IMO. Many schools have family housing, and it's possible the scholarship is flexible enough to be able to apply some of the housing allowance towards that, and loans and family help might help make up the difference. Once baby is old enough, a family housing situation would be a prime spot to take on one or two other children for some childcare income, and possibly even an exchange so GF can work or take some classes, and usually there is some childcare available through the ECE program on campus. I would not ditch this option until all possibilities have dried up.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Scholarship includes housing in a boys dorm though. Son had a very violent seizure last night.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

They are sending him home today. With seizure meds and referring him to a neurologist.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Kels08 said:


> Scholarship includes housing in a boys dorm though. Son had a very violent seizure last night.


The standard (of course) is housing in a boys dorm. Please call the school and see if they have options because of the situation. I am not saying they will, but it is better to call and know for sure rather than turn something down based on what you think they would say.

I am not dismissing the seizure--but I can't think of anyway to help you there.  I am hoping that the doctors find something to help him.

Amy


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Called and they said the only other option is that they can give him $650 a month for housing allowance


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Well, that doesn't sound all bad to me  would that be enough to get them a small place near his college? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

With help from the grandparents, if they are financially able to swing it. It's an option, anyhow. Keep pursuing it! Don't give up on this scholarship if you can figure out any way to make it work!


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Depending on the area, $650/month could be feasible! Statistically, teen parents are less likely to continue their education. Hopefully, they won't fall into that category. A free college education that is reasonably close to home with a sizable part of the rent taken care of. Go for it. She can get on WIC, and they might be able to apply for other assistance too. 

Amy


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Apartments near the college run about 550 on up.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

That sounds promising! What other kinds of assistance can they get for housing, from all sources, including family?


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

We will take alternating weekends to go up and visit and help with whatever they need.


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## salr (Apr 14, 2008)

I hope your son continues to feel better. It's so great to hear how both families are so supportive. Send his girlfriend here to MDC!  Congratulations and best wishes.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

salr said:


> Send his girlfriend here to MDC!


:joy


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

That sounds fantastic!

How is your son doing now that he is home again?

Amy


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

He is doing alright very lethargic on the meds been cuddle up with his girlfriend watching TV all night.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Nuro appointment for Monday.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Kels08 said:


> Nuro appointment for Monday.


I hope you get some answers. Good luck!


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I don't like these meds they put him on all he wants to do is sleep and that is so unlike him. His girlfriend tried getting him up today and usually he will do whatever she wants or needs of him but no, he could barley keep his eyes open to even acknowledge his girlfriend.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Nuro thinks he has epilepsy and so he is going to stay on the Meds for now even though they are making him a dam Zombie.


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## heyxxmcfly (Jan 2, 2013)

Ask the neuro if there's a way for him to try and build up to a lesser level of meds that still works for him. There's a few different types that he could take, and not all of them will make him veg out. But it will take a bit of time to find the right combo of medication and strength to get to a fictional state. I wish you luck tho Kels ♡


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

He is going to see him Next Monday and adjust if needed. But that doesn't help us this week or the next 4 days for school.


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## heyxxmcfly (Jan 2, 2013)

Talk to the school, they should be somewhat understanding. I had the same issue with a heart medication I was on. I was a complete zombie and all I did was wake up to eat.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I will try it was honestly a fight trying to even wake him up for his appointment today.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Kels--you are in a complicated situation and I have no words of advice for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you find a medication that works soon. It sounds really hard. I'm glad your son and his partner have such awesome parents.

To everyone else in the thread: My heart went pitter patter when I read person after person say, "Two forms of birth control!!" That's not a message you hear every where. In my opinion it is the right message. I love MDC. :love


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

It can take a while to get this sort of medication sorted out, as a PP said. It sounds like the neurologist is into it but feel free to keep hassling if he isn't functional. The timeframe is weeks not hours or days though. The school is just going to have to suck it up for now. The neurologist should be happy to write him a letter for school if you ask.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## heyxxmcfly (Jan 2, 2013)

Yea that!^


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Gosh, if it is epilepsy, I would want to know why it never happened before? I know almost nothing about it though, so I would have lots of questions. All the people that I know with it have had it since childhood. 

Good luck getting the meds figured out!

Amy


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Nuro said stress can bring it to a head. But also during a baseball game he took a fastball to the head and that might of caused it as well.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Got three different calls from the school today telling me about how he kept falling asleep in class after i told them it would happen.Call his doctor for a note I suppose.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

I don't know anything about these things, but is there anyway they can adjust the dosage? Seems crazy to me that it's a necessary stage to have someone not even able to stay awake and have that be normal.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Going to talk to the nuro about that as well. He is barley functioning.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Nero gave the go ahead to cut him back on his meds. I get home from work and son is already passed out in his room ask his girlfriend if he even bothered to eat and she said no.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Thank heavens! Hopefully you'll see some improvement soon.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I hope so this zombie mode he has been in is so unlike him.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Great Ex thinks it's a great idea to buy our son a crotch rocket.


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## heyxxmcfly (Jan 2, 2013)

Tell ex it might be a better idea to get him a reliable family car since he's going to have a family soon?


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Son can't drive right now with the seizures/epilepsy


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

So much better on the lower dose.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Son had a bad seizure tonight. Talked with his dad as well he is going to get him a proper car once he is in the clear to drive. After the seizure he got rather violent.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

He had a seizure at school today and was taken to the hospital.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

oh no! please keep us updated. seems they need to figure out what exactly is going on. how scary for all of you.


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## heyxxmcfly (Jan 2, 2013)

Seems to me the decrease in dose isnt helping all that much 
Good Luck mama


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

It feels like he either has to be a zombie or have seizures.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Kels08 said:


> It feels like he either has to be a zombie or have seizures.


That may well be the case for now. And, to be honest I would choose short-term zombification as the least harmful option.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

So basically trading seizures for him being nonfunctional


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Not forever but, as I said in the earlier post, it can take a couple of months to achieve the right balance as each individual responds differently to the drugs.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I know it's just a struggle to get him to bathe and even eat on the higher doses.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

His nuro said go back to the higher dose. I kept him home today no point in going to school today and not being able to function.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Hugs! I'm subbing because I want to hear how everything goes for you and your son!


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

His girlfriend called to tell me when she got home after school to our house he was passed out in the tub.......


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I'm sorry it's so hard at the moment. I really feel for you all. I would suggest paring all his activities right back to survival mode. Feed him easy to eat food like soup and smoothies. And if he's sleeping all day, he isn't getting dirty so a shower every second day would be fine. I would suggest that he doesn't bath unsupervised if he is that tired though.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Yeah i told him when he is this lethargic not to shower bathe when home by himself he could of drowned.just really happy his girlfriend found him. I picked up some ensure.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

I need to call his nuro and find out if it's normal to be really sore after a seizure he cried after a seizure tonight and said he hurt all over.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

How is the girlfriend doing? I imagine that the seizures are causing her stress as well. Has she seen a doctor/midwife yet? Is she taking care of herself--it is easy to forget about yourself when you are worried about someone close to you. 

Amy


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

She saw her OBYGN on wensday and is on prenatals. She is two months pregnant and healthy as can be. She has been stressing badly on Friday she was in tears thinking my son had drown in the tub.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Great why would they even try to have sex when he is having these seizures and sleeping so much. He had a bad one while they ya know.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

His nuro upped his meds a little more today.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

His girlfriend is doing really well so far all things considered. Actually amazed that she is sticking by my son like she has been. Tonight she needed some help with my son though he was Taking a shower and started to fall asleep standing up she has to hold him up so he wouldn't Crack his head open.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

are they still trying to find out why he is having these seizures?

are they running some tests on him?

do you need to go see a specialist apart from the nuro?

do you feel like you need a second opinion?

gosh this would scare me a LOT. he is at a point where he cant even really function. falling asleep in the middle of a shower is scary.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Trauma and stress was the given reason. And only the nuro.


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## lalalovely (Nov 7, 2012)

I've been following this thread and I want to say that I am praying for your son during this difficult time. I wasn't going to contribute to the conversation, but I wanted to let you know, in case you haven't found out already, that it is normal to be very sore after having a seizure. My husband has had one, it was the scariest experience, and he was sore for a few days afterward. I hope everything works out for you, and soon!


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Son told me this morning he wants to go back to school then feel asleep. I can't send him like this.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

What is he on, that's producing drowsiness that's verging on unconsciousness, and why is his dosage being changed without testing his serum levels? It sounds a little "off" to me.

Miranda


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Well it's either higher dose or seizures. He is on a combination of meds his nuro said the drowsiness should wear off by this weekend.


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## SunshineRocket (Mar 12, 2012)

moominmamma said:


> What is he on, that's producing drowsiness that's verging on unconsciousness, and why is his dosage being changed without testing his serum levels? It sounds a little "off" to me.
> 
> Miranda


Yeah, something is not right here.


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## MadameXCupcake (Dec 14, 2007)

I'm sorry you are going through so much! My little guy had seizures for awhile but nothing like what you are going through. What about getting your hands on CBD to try? I have watched a few documentaries where it helped for seizures, even when nothing else did. It seems the meds aren't helping much and are making him extremely exhausted. It might be worth a try, I am not sure what state you are in?


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Kels08 said:


> I am a Single mom have been for a few years well i have two kids a 17 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. Well my son has been with his girlfriend for the better part of 4 years a long time for teenagers and proud of the both of them. Well during the summer and school year i have always trusted my son to watch his little sister. Because i tend to work till about 5-7Pm give or take. Well the other night while he was supposed to be watching his sister i got home earlier then i thought and my daughter was watching TV which is pretty normal so i went upstairs to find my son and walked in on him and his girlfriend having sex. I am not entirely sure what to do about this i have been thinking about telling her parents i haven't talked to my son yet about it yet either, other then grounding him for a while until i deal with this. What should i do? Any advice is welcome.


I would talk to him about not having his girlfriend over while he is in charge of your younger child. Imagine if your daughter had been the one to walk in on your son and his GF having sex instead of you? or what if your daughter already knows this is going on. This is what your son is teaching to your daughter at a very young age. Not to mention if this GF of his gets pregnant then your family will be supporting a grandchild and they may not last long term as a couple, as most teenage lovers do not last long term and if they do marry they have a higher chance of divorcing.

I personally wouldn't condone my children having sex in my home, ever. They can find places to have sex. I was a teenager once and had sex before 18 and you have to be clever but you can find a place if you really wanna do it. My oldest son is 19 and there's no way I'd allow it and he knows better than to do it anyway. He has always been mature for his age.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Kels08 said:


> They are both the same age. I had a talk with him this morning and i un-grounded him. He also said she is on BC.


But it is YOUR house and you do not have to allow children to have sex in your home, especially when they are in charge of a younger child at the same time. If they are going to BE adults and have sex to begin with then they need to learn how to find places to have sex on their own and not use your home as a motel.

And he needs to use a condom. Girls will miss pills and sometimes they do it on purpose. I'm sorry but girls do screw around on guys. I had plenty of friends that did it. In fact, my best friend fooled her first boyfriend in to believing she was a virgin and had sex with another boy long before him. I can't believe how naive the parents on here are. It baffles my mind. Yes sex happens! Yes our children are having sex as teenagers sometimes, but no you do not have to allow it inside your home and can tell them to take it elsewhere and you do need to discuss with your son being responsible for himself and not trusting a girl to keep herself from getting pregnant, not to mention an STD from another boy she is boinking on other days of the week. Again, if they want to behave and do adult things then they need to act like adults when they do it.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Much better day today he has been able to stay awake and actually interact with his girlfriend which she has been missing last week or so he said feels like a blur.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

mommy68 said:


> I would talk to him about not having his girlfriend over while he is in charge of your younger child. Imagine if your daughter had been the one to walk in on your son and his GF having sex instead of you? or what if your daughter already knows this is going on. This is what your son is teaching to your daughter at a very young age. Not to mention if this GF of his gets pregnant then your family will be supporting a grandchild and they may not last long term as a couple, as most teenage lovers do not last long term and if they do marry they have a higher chance of divorcing.
> 
> I personally wouldn't condone my children having sex in my home, ever. They can find places to have sex. I was a teenager once and had sex before 18 and you have to be clever but you can find a place if you really wanna do it. My oldest son is 19 and there's no way I'd allow it and he knows better than to do it anyway. He has always been mature for his age.


I'm guessing you only read the first post ;-)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

His girlfriend is getting so hormonal he called me and asked me if it was normal.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Kels08 said:


> His girlfriend is getting so hormonal he called me and asked me if it was normal.


I think that is the most normal part of your lives right now! :wink:

Amy


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

My son called me sobbing saying his girlfriend is in the hospital. She was in a car wreck. She and the fetus are fine.


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## heyxxmcfly (Jan 2, 2013)

I'm sending prayers. I hope everything works out *hugs*


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## SparklePony (Sep 13, 2014)

Certainly is a whole lot going on with you and your family... hope all is well....


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Kels08 said:


> My son called me sobbing saying his girlfriend is in the hospital. She was in a car wreck. She and the fetus are fine.


I am glad to hear that everyone is fine. When it rains, it pours. . . hopefully you will look back at 2014 and fondly remember it as a year that made you stronger and closer as a family.

Amy


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Thanks son was honestly terrified that she was hurt or lost the baby.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Son won't leave his girlfriends side this weekend and has been waiting on her hand and foot.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Kels08 said:


> Son won't leave his girlfriends side this weekend and has been waiting on her hand and foot.


The accident sounds terrible, but what I quoted sounds positive. Has your son been doing better on the meds? I am hoping that if he is capable of waiting on her and taking care of her, that it means that his seizures are lessening and the fatigue and other side effects is also going down.

Amy


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

AAK said:


> Kels08 said:
> 
> 
> > Son won't leave his girlfriends side this weekend and has been waiting on her hand and foot.
> ...


His seizures have been down but he is still really fatigued but he is fighting it.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Local ER is beginning to get to know us by face. Son was admitted into the hospital he had a seizure while taking a shower fell hit his head and almost drown if it isn't one thing it is another.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Kels08 said:


> Local ER is beginning to get to know us by face. Son was admitted into the hospital he had a seizure while taking a shower fell hit his head and almost drown if it isn't one thing it is another.


I mean absolutely no disrespect but, this is starting to seem a bit unbelievable. You join in August, find out your son is having sex, then she's pregnant, then he develops a seizure disorder from which he almost drowns a few different times, then the GF gets into a serious car accident, son almost drowns again, back in the hospital.

Something doesn't sound right. What you're describing with the medication doesn't sound right. I can't imagine any doctor leaving a patient comatose, nearly dying several times due to the dosage.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me but, I've been around far too long and have seen far too many of these threads getting people all stirred up to not think something is going on. Even the constant one line updates that seem to just be used to bump the post back to the top of the page so the story can continue.

Maybe it's just me.....


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

amcal said:


> Maybe it's just me.....


It isn't.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

I've thought that all along.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

amcal said:


> Kels08 said:
> 
> 
> > Local ER is beginning to get to know us by face. Son was admitted into the hospital he had a seizure while taking a shower fell hit his head and almost drown if it isn't one thing it is another.
> ...


Comatose? Maybe for a few days. But starting the seizure meds can cause that. Every time you have commented it's been to say something like this. I am sorry you don't believe it but you also don't have to respond. Also he didn't drown a few times just the once so if you are going to try and accuse at least get what you are talking about correct. I didn't realize updates were a bad thing. Also nearly dying a few times? Again only once. If you don't like our believe me fine don't respond.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Polliwog said:


> I've thought that all along.





blessedwithboys said:


> amcal said:
> 
> 
> > Maybe it's just me.....
> ...


Awesome, then don't respond or prove otherwise. I didn't realize the updates caused such an issue.


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## Kels08 (Aug 11, 2014)

Son back home and doing much better. =)


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## jr37 (Sep 23, 2014)

Kels08 said:


> Any advice is welcome.


Just do the best you can and REALIZE that your kids will have an opportunity to take your examples of parenting and apply them, as is, to their own kids or change things as they see fit. Then their kids will have an opportunity to do the same when it's their turn, etc., etc. on into the future. It's called Evolution and has been going on since time began. My siblings did a vastly better job of parenting than our parents or their parents did and their kids seem to be even better parents than my siblings were so I've seen it happen right within my own generation.
good luck


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