# Need advice -- friend with terrible loss **update in #6



## LoisLane (Mar 23, 2004)

Hello Mamas,

A couple who moved to town this summer and who we've gotten to know pretty well are in the midst of an unbelievably terrible event today and I need your advice on how to respond, what they might need.

Before moving here, they had been pregnant with identical twins who they were born still at full term. Such a horrible loss. When we met them this summer, she was pregnant again and so understandably cautious, anxious, nervous about this pregnancy. She has been closely monitored, and all looked good. She was starting to dialate last week so went in today for an induction.

I just got a call that things are terrible. The induction went quickly and their little girl was born vaginally and appeared OK at first, but apparently had some problem with her intestines and was taken by helicopter to the large hospital 2+ hours from here. The mama then had some kind of trouble (sorry to be sketchy on details) and is now in the midst of major surgery and might have to have a complete hysterectomy???

My heart is so full of grief thinking about the pain they must be in now. The dad, worrying about his wife and not able to be with his little girl. The mama, when she wakes from surgery, not able to be with her babe and possibly not able to try to have children again?? And that babe all alone in a hospital far away???

Sorry to be so rambly. My question is this... what can I do?? They are very private people... I wouldn't want to be alone but they might. They have a sister coming in tomorrow and other family scheduled next week, but what do they need right now? Do they need visitors? Cards? Flowers?

If you don't mind, please send any good thoughts and wishes their way, and any advice -- things you wish people knew about terrible, unfair, unbelievable losses -- my way.

Thanks in advance, mamas.


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

Yes, they need to know that you care...sending cards, flowers, bringing over meals, asking to help with housework, asking how you can help are great ways of helping the family. But, don't let it stop here (this week)...check in on them periodically (once a week for a couple weeks)...try not to stay too long...but stay long enough so they know you care...how thoughtful of you--you sound like a great friend!


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Freezable or already frozen meals, a care package with necessities (toilet paper, paper towels, soap, maxi pads, stamps, anything that will keep them from having to shop).

I would want to know people were praying for me--people have told me that they pray for my DH and me in their prayer circle, and that means the world to me. That is subject to their and your beliefs, of course.

You could also offer to make phone calls or send emails to cut down on the number of calls the new dad has to make.

It's hard to come up with too many concrete things, without knowing more information....but you will get more suggestions here, and you will think of your own ways to help them.

You are a very good friend, they are lucky to have you!


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

I agree with the previous posters-
Also, yard work. You said you're neighbors... When Elora died this summer our neighbors totally took care of our yard one while we were out. Perhaps you can rake leaves, shovel their walk, whatever is appropriate... I know we appreciated the help soooo much


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Just do anything you can think of. A lot of people did a little something when we lost Reagan and it added up to a HUGE amount help and part of the reason why I'm still here today.

I know while I was in the hospital trying not to die, a lady that's a friend of my MIL's went to my house and cleaned everything from top to bottom. And, this will sound odd, but she cleaned my refrigerator until it sparkled. Not a huge big deal, but to me it was. Coming home to a clean house and a clean refrigerator was huge in my recovery.

A word on flowers: She may not be allowed to receive flowers depending on how grave her situation is. I was in ICU for a week and couldn't receive flowers.

I hope everything is okay w/your friend and her new DD. Please keep us updated.


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## LoisLane (Mar 23, 2004)

Thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions. I am so grateful for all of your ideas and good wishes. I had been planning to come to this forum yesterday to ask what I could do to honor her boys while welcoming their new babe (I was *so* confident it would be a quick, easy birth with no troubles)... and then to get such bad news.

Things are a looking a little better today, though. Here is a quick update (sorry so long):

Apparently the mama was VERY sick -- she crashed immediately after the induction started, and ended up having an emergency c-section, and then lost tons of blood because she has a rare, previously undiagnosed vascular condition (?? does that sound right?) that prevented her blood from clotting, and her uterus wasn't contracting, etc. They were told at first the baby might have brain damage because the mama crashed so quickly and lost so much blood, but thankfully, that all seems OK. Apparently my friend was touch and go all morning yesterday, and is still in the ICU but is stable today and hopefully back to regular recovery tongiht or tomorrow. Her sister is flying in today to be with her, and she shouldn't need the hysterectomy.

The baby has two gastrointestinal birth defects -- something where the trachia isn't connected correctly, and something called anal atresia, where the babe has no anal opening. Both can be corrected with surgeries. APparently the anal atresia happens in 1 in 5,000 births. It's easier to treat in boys, but from the bit of googling I just did, it looks pretty good (although she is likely to have bowel control problems, constipation, etc., later on... still it's something that can be "fixed"). She is at the children's hospital in the town 2+ hours from here, and the dad is on his way there this morning -- his sister flew in last night and was with the babe all night (for some reason that bothered me terribly, thinking of that little babe alone in the hospital -- although I am glad the dad stayed with the mama until she was stable). I think they are going to do at least one of the surgeries today. The dad said she is an absolutely gorgeous little girl.

And although I spent a lot of yesterday wanting to be mad at someone -- why wasn't this detected by ultrasound, why did the induction go so badly, how can something horrible happen to them again -- I am trying to be more positive today. As one friend pointed out -- this is actually a case where medical care worked -- from the bit I read, the defects couldnt' have been detected by ultrasound, and the blood thing couldn't have been predicted (she had had a vaginal birth with her twins, not surgery), and she had a good, experienced doctor who knew what to do and acted quickly, and good, experienced pediatricians who detected the defect right away and sent the babe to a place where it can be addressed (again, from teh bit of googling I did, this is sometimes not "discovered" until after one or two days and by then the babe is in distress.) So I am just trying to be thankful that all three are doing as well as they can this morning... and sending good vibes their way.

Thanks for listening yesterday. I just talked to a friend and we are going to clean their house (including the fridge! what a great idea) and leave hearty, delicious food and bread for them for when they get back from the hospital.

Again, I can't thank you enough for your thoughts and for all good wishes. I didn't mean to come into this forum and dump my emotions all over the place -- but thank you for listening anyway. I still am a little angry at the universe -- why should people who have already suffered such a horrible loss have to go through all of this -- but trying to be more positive.

Thanks again.


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## sparkprincess (Sep 10, 2004)

I'm so glad things are looking up!! I hope you are able to find ways to help them out!


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm glad it seems as though everything is going to be ok!


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## BabyJinJin (Dec 7, 2006)

Its really sad to know about your fren. I believe it would be good for you to go visit them and show them that you care. I understand how bad the mama is feeling now cos i just lost my baby too in 7 weeks pregnant as was being told my baby was unhealthy. Mine of only 7 weeks and I already feel so so upset over it. So I really can feel how traumatic that mama is now especially after having a twin before this which didnt turn out well too and its difficult in getting twins too.

I believe she needs all the support that she can get now.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoisLane* 
Hello Mamas,

A couple who moved to town this summer and who we've gotten to know pretty well are in the midst of an unbelievably terrible event today and I need your advice on how to respond, what they might need.

Before moving here, they had been pregnant with identical twins who they were born still at full term. Such a horrible loss. When we met them this summer, she was pregnant again and so understandably cautious, anxious, nervous about this pregnancy. She has been closely monitored, and all looked good. She was starting to dialate last week so went in today for an induction.

I just got a call that things are terrible. The induction went quickly and their little girl was born vaginally and appeared OK at first, but apparently had some problem with her intestines and was taken by helicopter to the large hospital 2+ hours from here. The mama then had some kind of trouble (sorry to be sketchy on details) and is now in the midst of major surgery and might have to have a complete hysterectomy???

My heart is so full of grief thinking about the pain they must be in now. The dad, worrying about his wife and not able to be with his little girl. The mama, when she wakes from surgery, not able to be with her babe and possibly not able to try to have children again?? And that babe all alone in a hospital far away???

Sorry to be so rambly. My question is this... what can I do?? They are very private people... I wouldn't want to be alone but they might. They have a sister coming in tomorrow and other family scheduled next week, but what do they need right now? Do they need visitors? Cards? Flowers?

If you don't mind, please send any good thoughts and wishes their way, and any advice -- things you wish people knew about terrible, unfair, unbelievable losses -- my way.

Thanks in advance, mamas.


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