# How do you regain your optimism?



## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

I had a m/c in June, the day venus passed in front of the moon, and, with the help of this forum, I thought I had healed quite a bit from the loss. But something happened last week that totally threw me off. I read this article in the newspaper about a 4 yo who fell into a very deep well and died during the family's vacation in Italy. Immediately, as I read I'm thinking of a little girl and her family that I had met at a neighbor's birthday party, and had seen repeatedly at the beach. I couldn't sleep for two nights because every time I lay down I'm having these horrible images, just terrible. I so feel for this poor family.
Then, 3 days later, my dd falls off the bed about 6 feet, right on her head. I had managed to fade the images of the girl in the well, but immediately everything comes back, and as I feel my little girl get sleepy and limp from the fall I totally freak. I thought I would faint, but I knew I had to be there for her. I was shaking all over as we went to the emergency room. She was slowly getting better after about 1 hour after the fall, and I knew she would be fine.
But something klicked in me.
Yesterday I read the orbituary in the newspaper, and it was indeed the girl I had thought of that had died. Again, I can't fall asleep.

I know I'm overreacting because of what happened in June, I feel like I cannot deal with anyting worse happening. I'm so awfully scared of anything happening to my kids, i'm terrified, really. Is anyone else having this reaction? How do you deal with this 'lack of nerves'? How can we learn to be more optimistic about the future? Is it possible at all?


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## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

i wish i knew, but at this time i am very pessimistic


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## AbisMom (Feb 9, 2004)

Behr, I wish that I had words of advice to offer, but I only have sympathy and understanding. After I lost my angel, I was terrified to drive to work everyday, and anything on television or in the news was so hard that I learned to just not read or watch anymore. I don't know how I got through it, I just did and I don't feel so strongly pessimistic anymore. There were so many days that dh was stuck not knowing what to say as I cried in his arms and asked him not to leave my side. I remember that so well, and wish that I could help you get through it faster.

Much love and healing thoughts.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Thank you shai and Abismon for your replies. It's good to hear that my feelings are normal, and the condition will improve given more time. It's just so hard to be so out of control. After a time during which things are OK, it seems like some minor thing will trigger all of these emotions to come back to the surface. So I feel I need to do more working through these issues, but I really don't know what it is I need to be doing.
I picked up the book by the Dalai Lama 'The Art of Happiness', and I'm hoping to find insights from that. Buddists appear to be dealing with reality, especially adverse situations, in a very accepting way.
Thanks again for your warm thoughts. I hope you will find a better spot soon, shai, the pain must be so raw right now.


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

the only question i can answer is the one about optomism. Well actually not the answer but a suggestion. The only thing i could do was look forward to something. I would plan for me and my fiance to go out of town for dinner to his fav resturant. i know that sounds kinda small but i was getting out the house out of town where i didn't know anyone and i was having fun. it really gave me something to think about other than my pain. As i've said many times i'm getting married in april and if wasn't for that to look forward to there is no way i would have made it. Plan a vacation or something. A change. hope if works and i hope u feel better soon


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## StillForest (Nov 27, 2001)

Hi Behr,

I've been having similar feelings since I had my m/c in May. I spend a lot of time each night just gazing at my daughter as she sleeps. I've also been more afraid of something happening to her. Life just feels far more fragile since I had the m/c. I often feel overcome by feelings when I read about child deaths in the newspaper.

I've recently been praying more, turning my DD over to the care of the Goddess. I've really been trying to re-connect with and trust the broader cosmic process. I've been feeling very spiritually bereft and disconnected since the m/c and have recently been trying to take some active steps to feel more centered and held. But it's hard. Trying to breathe through the fear, pessimism and feelings of fragility and stay more in the present.

Hope that makes a bit of sense. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. Best wishes to you as you walk through this.


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## AbisMom (Feb 9, 2004)

Behr,
I hope that the book helps to bring you comfort. My dh and I converted to Buddhism shortly after dd was born. Looking back, we have always used buddhist practices to help us with all of our problems, we just didn't make it official until we had dd.

Still sending many healing thoughts your way.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Thank you again for your answers and suggestions. It feels good to know there are others out there with the same issues. I have not been able to start reading the book, but will soon, and I need to learn more about Buddism, I need to get started reading again.

And I need to get connected to my inner spirit again as well. I seems that the m/c has opened my third eye. It felt so strange having this girls image come up when I read the article, and I tend to doubt myself a lot on this. We live in a city with many 4yo, and the fact that I was so convinced it was her was pretty scary.
I also seem to look through people a lot more than before, I cannot deal with arrogance and shallowness and self-centeredness very well since the m/c.

It almost seems as if the m/c opened my eyes to things I was trying to ignore before. Now I have to learn to not judge people, and to find the happy spot within myself, the balance. It would be so nice to spend time with some of you IRL, to learn together and to support to each other. But at least we have this forum, and this medium to connect.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Quote:

I'm so awfully scared of anything happening to my kids, i'm terrified, really. Is anyone else having this reaction? How do you deal with this 'lack of nerves'? How can we learn to be more optimistic about the future? Is it possible at all?
I think this is perfectly normal. I have said several times since my daughter's death that I believe my eyes have been opened to an entire population I never knew existed before. I am now aware of those who grieve. I think we have lost our nerve because the worst has happened to us so how do know the awful cannot?
Gossamer


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## ggma (Apr 20, 2004)

hmm... I have so many things I'd like to say and share with all of you, but mostly I'd like to give each of you a long, full, firm hug. There aren't always enough of 'em in my opinion.

Behr- I do believe it is possible to find the optimism again. I believe that one can continue stepping forward in life, learning, loving, letting go, and that we are stronger for our experiences if we so choose. I find myself cycling in and out of thoughts, fears, and grief initiated by the loss of my boys - but as I keep working through it (instead of stuffing it, etc.) - my sense of self and my hope/optimism/inner peace becomes stronger and brighter. I actually started a thread similar to this a few months back when I was noticing this dark fear creeping into my thoughts while holding my new baby and I've found a few things that have helped me with this.

I try to stop what I'm doing when I notice the fear/lack of nerve and pause to breathe in light/peace (whatever works for you). Exhaling the negative tension out of my body. Sometimes I visualize sending loving pink energy to someone else in distress or surrounding a negative thought in it - and this really helps me inside. And seconding StillForest's words on connecting and trusting with the broader cosmic universe. Letting go and opening to this present moment as fully as possible. I feel like I'm writing a novel here - but I really just want to help by sharing what has helped me. I wrote this poem last night that I'm going to include here because it totally relates and I'm wondering if that's why it came out. I was journaling about the twins - it was their birthday yesterday... and this is what came up.

It's amazing how raw and un-done
I felt
can feel
and still I wake
and smile at the birdsong
open my eyes
and there is a new smile
in my vision
four teeth and bright eyes
warbling along
with the dawn.

Peace and LoveLoveLove, ggma.
P.S. someone gave me a copy of Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler after our loss and I really got a lot out of this read!


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Dear ggma,
thank you so much for your reply which has led me to think a lot about this, and thank you sooooo much for the beautiful poem. It is true that, although I miss the little person I lost and have become frightened by the possible, I am also very thankful for what I have.

I went through a phase right after the m/c when I was so awfully mistrusting and unhappy that I didn't like myself anymore. I'm improving, and becoming nicer again, and I try to focus on the positive, like my kids do most of the time as well. Yet, I have no tolerance for shallow people, I get so upset sometimes. I so wish I could find a tribe and feel less alone with this issue as well as in life in general. Basically that is what I feel in so many of these threads - loneliness and unshared sadness.

So - much love to you all!!


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## ggma (Apr 20, 2004)

I'm glad you found some good in all of my rambling... And I do so hope you find some people to connect with. I feel very lucky to have had wonderful support after my loss and to have some very dear friends around me. I understand how difficult it is to share with the majority of folks - I think it has a great deal to do with them not understanding grief. I - now - know what felt good to hear. Before, I would have stood awkwardly and simply been afraid. Of saying the wrong thing, of the power of grief itself, of the whole experience. It l feels awful to be feeling 'crappy' and then have someone heap on the wrong words. The first time I went out in public I went to a bookstore. And in the middle of this store an acquaintance came up and starting talking about her m/c experience and kept saying, "You'll never get over it. You'll never get over it." And I felt like - No. I won't. It will be a part of me every day. Yes. I will greet most every day with a smile again. And please shut up. I don't know exactly what i even wanted from her. But I think, mostly, I was feeling conspicuous and ready to cry at any moment and not being able to stop! Wow. That moment is still so intensely vivid in my mind. I really needed to say that out loud - maybe I can let it go now... and I'm rambling again. Which leads me to this - this forum is a pretty amazing place. Amazing women. Amazing words. Amazing strength. Love to All.


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