# Did you just "know"



## starbaby69 (May 12, 2005)

I'm just curious...

I lost my daughter at 41 weeks due to a heart defect that we had no idea she had. Prior to this, I had an uneventful and healthy pregnancy. I had the usual baby showers when the due date was nearing, and was getting more and more excited to see and hold my first baby. But I realize now that I never truly "saw" myself with this child. I can chalk up a lot of this to first-time-mom stuff, but I swear deep down somehow I just "knew". There are things I just didn't prepare for like I should have--baby clothes I didn't jump into buying, etc... When I lost her I was devistated, but there was this faint voice inside me saying "see, I told you." I spoke with my friend Karen about this, and she told me that when her sister saw me at 5 months, she didn't see me with this baby either. I've talked to the hospital social worker about this as well, and she said that she hears this more often that one would guess. Did any of you feel this way?

And by the way, I am hopefull and see myself with a baby in the future


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

I thought my baby was a girl. I kept having boy baby dreams, but when I "saw" myself with a baby it was always a girl. This was very odd because we couldn't come up with any girl baby names we liked.

I was so excited about having another baby. I was really shocked when he turned out to be a boy. I wish beyond anything that I had him here with me, but I really didn't "see" myself with a baby boy... I don't know if that qualifies or not. I did picture myself wearing a baby in my sling, enjoying family events like my sister's wedding with the new little one, so I definitely did see myself with a baby in that way.

A couple months ago I was unable to sleep and as I was lying awake a beautiful girl baby name just sort of came to me. It's unusual, but beautiful, and captures perfectly the way I would feel about welcoming a new baby to our family. I was not sure if DH would like it, because of our past experiences of not finding a name we agreed on. As soon as I told him, he said it was fine with him, he liked the name, and even came up with a nickname he would use.

So, I do still sometimes "see" myself with a baby girl in the future. I know it is not likely we would lose another one, but I still have some fears. I don't want to go through pregnancy and birth again with no baby to keep at the end. I don't think I could survive it again.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Yes, this baby talked to me all the time, telling me she would not live. I just lost her a few days ago. I have yet to post my birth story. But I tell you, I thought about her being born to die ALL the time. From the time I was about 4 or 5 months pregnant. I would say, why am I am making this, oh, to bury her in it. Things like that. I just knew. So wierd. Knowing, however does not make it any eaiser. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

Oh, I also wanted to add, that this forum was calling to me my entire pregnancy & I avoided it like the plague. Now I know why, I guess this is my new home for awhile.


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

This is so interesting. I also pictured a girl, like Kitty Kat and was shocked to find out it was a boy. I also pictured all these future events with a baby but wondered if I might lose my second baby just like my own mom did. My sister and my son both died when they were 7 weeks old, totally strange and 2 different causes.

This isn`t something I share often because its really weird, but my midwife is also a hypnotherapist and she hypnotized me a week before my son was born. She had me walking through all these rooms in my mind and I was supposed to end up calmly in this soothing green room where all the answers were. I popped right out of hypnosis because I was terrified, all I saw was the NICU. And thats where I spent the next 7 weeks.


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## 1Plus2 (Mar 13, 2003)

X


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## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

Interesting topic...one I have not shared my answer to with anyone before.

My first pregnancy was a loss at 4mo. I delivered him, but my grieving was mostly done the weekend before....I remember walking with a skip in my step on the way to the appointment where I learned of his death...it was weird...I didn't feel pregnant and somehow I *knew* that I wasn't. I never really saw myself with a child then either. I didn't cry as I stared at the silent, still u/s machine. I knew.

I did get pg before my first AF cycle returned, and now have a healthy 21MO son..but I am confident, deep down, that our experience of loss together helped deepen our marriage and prepare us to be wonderful, loving and appreciative parents. I am 30wks pg now and have some anxiety, but simply refuse to believe that this too could end....freaking myself out a bit really.

A side note: I saw Northern Lights for the first and only time in my life, the weekend while I waited for my Monday morning appt to deliver him - I *knew* that they were a sign of my next healthy pregnancy - and the angel that would watch over the next child to enter our home.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

This is so weird, but I had a similar feeling. I kept thinking that this pregnancy wouldn't last. It was so strange since I had had 3 normal healthy pregs. before, so I tried to convince myself it was my mind playing tricks on me. Then on the way to the appointment that we found out we had lost the baby, I kept thinking I was really glad my dh was with me. Originally he wasn't going to come, but I talked him into it. I told him I wanted him to hear the heartbeat, but in my heart, I knew something was wrong and needed him with me.


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## jackson's mama (Apr 27, 2003)

My situation is a little different, and I hope you'll forgive me for posting here even though I did not lose my son at birth. But I think it is so fascinating how our children can alert us to problems, to prepare our hearts for what we will have to endure in the future, and I wanted to share a piece of my story. My son was diagnosed with a terminal illness at 17 months old. On some level, I knew it was coming. For months I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen (I kept thinking I was going to be diagnosed with cancer, I went to the doctor 5 times for odd little bumps and pains in the months before his diagnosis). Also my DH was crazy with the camera and video cam, taking pictures and video of DS all the time. I recall thinking on more than one occasion how this footage would be comforting if something happened to him. Just strange thoughts like that coming out of the blue.

Peace and blessings to you all.


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## Len (Nov 19, 2001)

It is weird even to talk about it, but I think I can relate. I didn't have a specific vision or thought, but a lot of the feelings you all are talking about here come to mind. Somehow, sometimes I feel I am living a life I knew about already... hard to explain. I'm not making too much sense of my self, as it's 2:30 in the morning and my brain is on stand-by, but I knew I had to post here when I read the thread title.

D'Anne, I just visited Jackson's website, he is so handsome! his eyes are beautiful and full of life, here's hoping for a full recovery


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## LadyMarmalade (May 22, 2005)

.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

It is strange that you bring this up. I felt the same way. Not during the whole pregnancy, but towards the end. One morning I just woke up thinking "I am not going to bring this baby home." That was just before I got sick. I pushed the thought away, but I think it was Arawyn's way of telling me she was leaving.

Conversley I have a very strong sense that this baby will be alright. I feel very peaceful about this pregnancy. Looking back I never had a sense of peace with Arawyn's pregnancy, I just didn't expect anything bad to happen.


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## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

This happened to me as well with our first born, sweet Sierra. We had spent awhile looking for a good babysitter for her to go to when I would return to work. I interviewed a few different sitters and found one we were very comfortable with and she had been watching our neighbor's children for 3 years so we knew we could trust her. However, I could never envision myself taking her to the sitter as a part of my morning routine. I began to think it meant that this lady wasn't really a good fit for our family and that we should look into a different sitter. Now I believe it was a small way of my subconscious preparing me for her death.


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## Boobiemama (Oct 2, 2002)

This happened to me. I was pregnant with my second, my hubbys first. I never felt right. I made weird little comments. I had a baby shower but never got any of the baby stuff ready. I bought my homebirth supplies, but it was just packed in a box sitting in the bedroom.
My water broke early, and I didnt go into labor for 3 days, and even during that time, I never set up any baby stuff. All the clothes were packed in boxes.

Yes, some how I knew. He died at 3 weeks old due to a birth defect. My mom even pointed out later she noticed the odd things I did during pregnncy, but never said anything till after.


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## JennInSeattle (Nov 22, 2003)

With the baby we lost last year (8w 4d) I began asking every human being I could possibly find to pray for this pregnancy. Man I knew with that one, I didn't believe that God would intercede for me alone and I needed every single strong prayer warrior (and anyone else) to pray for the pregnancy, I was an emotional wreck the entire pregnancy and for months afterward.

This time I felt peace almost from the moment I found out I was pregnant. My relationship with the Lord is entirely different and much stronger. I just felt a lot of comfort and felt Him reminding me every day that He would be there with me if this baby didn't make it and His plan was bigger than mine. I can't tell you how many days I reminded myself that every day with this baby was a blessing. He was definitely preparing my heart for the loss of this baby. Now maybe I'm waiting for grieving but I've only cried a total of a week or less and it's been 2 1/2 weeks since I lost the baby (10w) and 3 1/2 weeks since I found out I would lose it. I do remember feeling very uncomfortable telling a friend that I was feeling pretty good - that day actually turned out to be the one that the baby died on.

I don't know, all I know is that my heart and mind were prepared this time and I credit that to the Lord. I'm really hoping that we'll be pregnant again extremely quickly and that we'll be able to deliver the next baby, it's too hard to think of going through this again.. even with the peace I have.


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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

I knew from the moment I had a positive pregnancy test that something was just not right with my third daughter. The entire pregnancy I felt something was just so different. I had dreams that showed me, and I had constant thoughts of my baby not making it. I was very drawn to the loss forums as well. I felt she was only half with me, and had a very hard time feeling connected to her, like I did with my other babies.
Blessing to all our angels.
Brandi


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

oh, mamas - how our children connect to us ...

I, also, just knew that we would not be raising our Jacob. I had baby things ready and all, but couldn't envision ourselves with a child. A week before he was born still I had a ... sending, I guess you could call it, where I experienced a newborn baby with very old eyes looking at me sooooo intently. I thought the baby was saying "hello" but after he died while I was in labor I realized he had been saying "goodbye". That was actually very comforting to me after he was born.

With our second child I never had a moments doubt that he would stay with us. Not one. And here he is, almost 6 years later.

We had a miscarriage next and at five weeks pregnant, I dreamed the baby was a little black bird that flew away because it couldn't nurse, and I heard myself say "that was a girl". And then, right away I had this image of a beautiful, smiling, buddha baby, all round and dimply sitting and looking at me and I heard myself say "at least we have our two boys" The baby we lost at 12 weeks would have been a little girl who wasn't "normal" and 1 year later we had our second boy, as dimply as they come.

I've had more messages from my children, more losses, and am so amazed that I have had help and comfort from all this sorrow.

Blessings on all of you and your babies.

Barbara


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

With all my pregnancies I would ask (myself? God?) if everything was OK. With Benjamin I kept having the feeling that the answer was "No", but I kept asking waiting for the answer I wanted. The day before I found out he'd died I walked into the resale store and saw some cloth diapers really cheap, but the thought enetered my head "You won't need them" so I walked out without buying them. All day the thought that he was dead kept intruding and by that night I KNEW, although my MW would not confirm it until the next day.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

I somehow knew as well. I got pregnant unexpectedly and cried for days because I felt so overwhelmed. We went on a big trip overseas to see family. As a matter of fact we pretty much saw all of our very scattered family during that trip, and we never told anyone.
I had a dream of a baby boy during our stay at a hostel, and that must have been when he died. A week later, I had a dream that I started bleeding, I woke up relieved. I remember standing in a store in front of the maternity section thinking I should get something as things here in Germany are really expensive and I had given everything away after the birth of my dd. I never even tried anything on although I didn't fit into my regular cloths anymore.
I never really connected with the baby when I was pregnant, never acknowledged him. I felt that I had 'wished' him away. Guilt krept up. But now I think that I subconsciously knew he would be with me for 10 weeks only. Still, he fullfilled two of my dearest wishes, and he tought me a huge deal about life.


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## hankiesmama (Jan 20, 2005)

I had all sorts of weird feelings during Harlan's pregnancy. I wondered why I felt so detatched. When he was implanted (or about that time) I was taking a walk with my younger boy and when i crossed over the big bridge on the main drag, a crow landed on the railing in front of us. It didn't move when we passed within inches of it. It stared at us intently and after we had passed, it flew away. That was the only time I ever saw any type of sign and I realized it wasn't a good one.
It doesn't make this loss any easier. It makes it worse actually.

With Hank's pregnancy, I was extremely attached, even when I started bleeding and things got bad. I saw all sorts of signs for him in nature when I was pregnant. I had a crow talk to me in the distance when we were camping at the ocean, I had an eagle talk to me at the zoo. There was a lunar eclipse the week before he was born. And on the day he was born, some of the biggest solar flares that had ever been recorded were happening, the biggest just 10 minutes after he was born.

I know this topic has been put to rest for awhile but I wanted to answer. Thanks.


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## homebirthx2 (Jan 3, 2004)

When I lost our baby in April of this year. I was not at peace with this pregnancy. I would check myself all the time to make sure that I wasn't spotting or bleeding with this baby. I never really took the time to enjoy, as I was in a total panic something would go wrong with this baby. It did one day while I was cleaning the bathroom around the toilet on my knees. When I got up I started to spot. I freaked out with knowing something was definitely wrong with this baby, even though I wanted this baby so bad. I called the midwives and an OB they just said to be calm and wait it out it could be nothing. Nothing! I knew I was losing this baby and no one in the medical field would believe me. I finally went on the bedrest for a day. The next day I called the OB and begged to come in.


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

I think I "knew" too, in the very back of my mind. I couldn't picture Ryan at home (when I was pg w/ him), and I really didn't get anything ready for him to come. (His room was ready, but I just do the stuff that I went on to do for Matthew). After he died and we were taking apart his room, it just kind of hit me that there was SO much we didn't do. And then when he was in the hospital, I would have little thoughts of "Oh, at the funeral, we'll do ____". Stuff like that. Even though IRL I only said positive things about his situation, and his chances, in the back of my head I had all of the "what if's". Of course when every dr you see keeps shaking their head, and telling you they're "So sorry", it's hard to NOT think the worst.







So yeah, deep down I think I knew something was going on.


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## juicypakwan (Jun 19, 2002)

My 2 were only m/c's but I think I knew with both from the beginning. With the first m/c I didn't share the news of being pg with dh until I started bleeding I just couldn't find it within myself to share the new. And with the next as soon as I saw the + sign on the pg test I was not excited and also had a hard time sharing the news and would pretend to be excited around family. When I would update dh on what would be happening I would say If there is a baby in there it would be at this stage or this big or whatever. I just knew it would end soon I woke every morning waiting (not wanting) to start bleeding. I am very sad but not attached to either of the pregnancies if that makes any sence. I really want another baby that is where my saddness is not really in the loss of the particular pregnancy. This last m/c left me with alot of grief and fear for a successful pg.


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## naturallia (May 26, 2005)

With all of my losses, I "knew" something just was not right. And I was sad to find out that my intuition was right.


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## Carsonsmama (May 17, 2004)

Reading this thread really scares me and yet when I saw the title I needed to know the answer.
I am 27 weeks pregnant and since this baby was conceived I have been worried. Everything thus far has went smoothly with no problems and yet I still have this nagging feeling that this baby isn't going to live. Wow this is hard to admit. With my DS I had NO doubts he would be fine but I just have found it so strange that I keep feeling this. I am not even excited about this pregnancy yet, something seems to be holding me back telling me to wait.

We didn't tell our families about the pregnancy till I was over four months because I was expecting to have a m/c. Now every time I go for my check up I don't expect them to find the heart beat. It is very unsettling and I worry I am willing this child to not live.
Then I read this thread hoping to read that no one had a clue their child wasn't going to make it and instead I read about allot of people who felt the same way I am.
How awful of a mother do I feel like as this little one kicks away and I sit here thinking that it's time is limited.
I have been feeling like this from the beginning and besides a few off hand mentions to my husband have not told anyone how strong these feelings are....Please God let me be wrong!!!


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## starbaby69 (May 12, 2005)

I am so sorry that you are nervous. But please know that having these feelings doesn't mean that anything bad is going to happen. Nor are you willing harm on your baby.

Would it help to ease your fears if you mention this to your caregiver? Maybe he/she can do some extra tests to ease your mind.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I agree with starbaby.

Tell your caregiver about your feelings. No matter how crazy you think it sounds. Get extra tests to help ease your mind. Trust yourself and your baby.

I only had uneasy (bad) feelings the last 5 days of my pregnancy but I did not say a word to anyone about it.

I also agree when she said you are not willing harm to your baby, if anything right now by saying what you are feeling you are doing just the opposite.

Each baby comes into this world with his or her own destiny and plan. I have to believe it was my sons plan not to live, it was his choice and that is why he chose me to be his mother (he knew I would ignore my intuition).

Maybe your baby chose you, because he or she knows you will not ignore your intuition and will go the extra step to make sure all is well.

Trust yourself and your feelings and if your caregiver tells you that you are worrying too much say "yes I am, But lets still check further so I can stop worrying







"

good luck


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## Carsonsmama (May 17, 2004)

Thank you Starbaby and rnweiss for your kind responses.
I was actually coming back to delete my post today as it has been on my mind since I wrote it. For a couple reasons I guess....one being that you are right just because these strong feelings I am having could very well mean nothing. After I read this thread yesterday I got really scared. Like my worst fears were confirmed and the truth is it could just be my imagination...and here I am posting my _worries_ in a thread where people have actually had to go through the pain I am fearing...so it has been bothering me that my post may have come across as insensitive.
And finally because I am uncomfortable admitting that I have such strong feelings. The only reason they have caught my attention is because with ds I had such stong feelings the other way....I had no doubts that he would be born alive, healthy and happy. So why am I consummed by these thoughts this time?
So thank you very much girls for taking the time to tell me what things you would do if you could go back. How you would have trusted yourself more. I definitely appreciate it and will mention my feelings to my dr when I see him on Friday.
rnweiss what you said about being a person that ignores your intuition really hit home...because that is definitely something I do and have been doing, trying to tune it out. Thank you for that! And I am SO sorry you mamas have had to go through this!


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## starbaby69 (May 12, 2005)

Carsonsmama,

You didn't at all come off as insensitive, and I'm glad that you vented here.
You are paying attention to your feelings and doing something about it. That is what is important.

I wish you all the best!


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

Hello to all...

I have avoided posting here for a while because this is the one thing that I have not verbalized to ANYONE, and I talk about what happened alot.

I never had a concrete thought about the pregnancy turning out well, but I didn't picture myself with our baby either. I actually got a lot of crap from family members because I wasn't "nesting". He was our first child, yet I didn't buy a single thing in preparation. I actually felt very positive about the pregnancy, but didn't want to buy or prepare anything... I don't know why.

On one occasion, a friend of mine bought a baby outfit and I was actually UPSET! I was so bothered by her having bought an outfit for the baby that I actually cried most of that evening. I had no idea why, I just didn't like the idea of it. On another occasion my uncle was making idle chit-chat over brunch about breast pumps and I totaly freaked out! I actually exused myself and ended up crying with my husband by the buffet line. I told my husband that it was because I just didn't feel ready to make decisions about what to get and didn't want to be pressured and especially didn't want my uncle talking about breasts over brunch. Now that I think about it, that probably wasn't it.

My mom kept attributing my behavior to what I had been exposed to with my dad's culture. They do not prepare anything until the baby is born, and even then they wait 40 days until they celebrate. (3rd world country where infant death rate is high). I didn't have the heart to tell her that I hadn't even heard about that tradtition before.

I made it to 6 months and literaly did not prepare one thing in our home. I just kept thinking that it wasn't time yet. My grandmother (who raised me) did not react the way I expected about the pregnancy. She did not seem as excited as I expected considering she had been begging me constantly about giving her a great-grandkid. She later confessed that she had a few wierd dreams and just did not see me with the baby. That really tripped me out when I heard it.

Anyways, I guess I knew even thought I didn't think that I did. I don't know how this plays into the whole intuition thing since I was not really consious of why I didn't prepare.


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## mimi! (Aug 27, 2004)

Oh gosh, I am so glad I found this thread. I've read every post and there are SO many common themes.

I just lost twins, somewhere around 11 weeks. A few days before I began spotting, I suddenly had more energy and I was worried. It was too soon! too soon to not need an afternoon nap and it was suddenly too easy to get out of bed in the morning.

The whole pregnancy I was worried and irritable. I felt like I could not connect with the baby. This also worried me, but I told myself that I was busy with a toddler. I also reminded myself that everyone worries. But I had trouble telling people and wanted to wait until we heard the heartbeat. I felt like a fraud when I bought a few summer maternity clothes as my clothes no longer fit.

I kept thinking about twins, watching twins at playgrounds, and wondering how the moms I knew with twins coped. I thought about nursing/cosleeping with twins and how I would be woken up twice as much (I nearly cracked with ds in the first year), and how strong I would have to be to sling twins. I imagined twins in our family: I tried to picture dh and I holding one each at night, comforting them. Tandem nursing and probably nursing my toddler and how hard that would be. I thought of how hard it would be on ds, to share me with 2 babes. I thought of the M/W looking for 2 heartbeats, but I knew she could not find one. But when she did look for them at 11weeks 3 days, there was only the loud silence of my own rapidly beating heart. I cry now thinking how I could not see them or hear their heart beats.

At the time, I could not see twins as part of our family. Now I cry that they won't be with us. I feel like I could have managed all those little people at once, that I am strong enough.

Early in the morning before the heavy bleeding I had an u/s. The tech told me nothing, just inconclusive and sent a report to the m/w. Later that day, after they left my body, the m/w told me there were twins. I feel like they wanted me to know they were there; that there were two of them; and they stayed as long as they could. My grief load doubled.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i wanted to respond because i had a totally different experience... i never thought we wouldn't raise coral rose. she wasn't planned, and it took a good 3 or 4 months to adjust to the idea of being parents, but throughout the remainder of the pregnancy, which was totally uneventful and healthy, we became so attached to 'the baby'- didn't know the sex- and thoroughly placed her into our future... this was why it was, and remains, so difficult to be without her here, now.

i did, however, have a pregnancy that was pretty 'unexcited'- i never imagined that i would have children at that point, so it took a while to 'get into it'. my midwife visits were uneventful, i listened to the baby's heartbeat and just took it for granted- the tests for gestational diabetes, etc i was never worked up over- i just assumed that the baby would arrive and all would be well. i guess if i am lucky enough to become preganat again, and then lucky enough to give birth to a living child who goes on to live a life with us until WE go first, if this happens, that pregnancy will be very different- each and every moment from conception will be spent with the baby as if they were in my arms. coral had only 292 days with me. each day counts! i want another child so so badly... i am slowly coming to a realization that coral's brief time here was as it should have been- she was loved so hard and she knew it and that's all that matters, really. whether a child lives 40 days, a year, 2, 4 12, or 35, even 70 or 80, that number of days or years is what their life was, period. i am my mother's child, and i am 35- if i died now, she would experience the same loss as i did with coral- does this make sense? she knew she was loved on this earth-

thanks for the thread to share these complicated feelings. i often wondered if my nonchalantness during her pregnancy was a cause of her death- maybe i really didn't want her enough... but i know now this isn't true. i think each woman will have a different experience...


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## Erin_82 (Jul 15, 2005)

I'm about 9 weeks pregnant, well somewhere between 7-9. I was just told by my Dr. that i am having a miscarriage.
I knew it would happen. The first us showed no fetus, and then a few days later I just felt something, I felt like the baby had grown. I had another us this friday because i was spotting brown/pink adn this time there was a fetus. But no heartbeat.
the doctor says there is a small tear in the sac. and even though right before thi i thought i would have a miscarriage, right now i am hoping for a miracle. i am hoping that my baby will heal itself.
It is comforting to read all these posts though. to know i'm not alone.


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## starbaby69 (May 12, 2005)

Hello mamas!

I just want chime in again and clarify something for anyone who is reading this thread.

Having a "sixth sense" or unexplainable subconcious thoughts that something is wrong doesn't make it any easier for mamas here to accept their losses. Each woman is different--but I think that it's safe to say that
for most, the grief and emptyness is just as overwhelming and shocking as if these feelings never occurred. Our lives are forever changed, as our families will always be minus one (or more.) As I was reading this thread again, I realized that mamas here could possibly be misunderstood.

Peace to all you lovelies


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## mimi! (Aug 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Erin_82*
I'm about 9 weeks pregnant, well somewhere between 7-9. I was just told by my Dr. that i am having a miscarriage.
I knew it would happen. The first us showed no fetus, and then a few days later I just felt something, I felt like the baby had grown. I had another us this friday because i was spotting brown/pink adn this time there was a fetus. But no heartbeat.
the doctor says there is a small tear in the sac. and even though right before thi i thought i would have a miscarriage, right now i am hoping for a miracle. i am hoping that my baby will heal itself.
It is comforting to read all these posts though. to know i'm not alone.









Hi Erin,

We're from the same March due date board. So sorry you're hear too. Hoping the baby will heal itself is part of the stages of grief: denial. Which is perfectly o.k. Try googling miscarriage and stages of grief. I did this yesterday and it helped alot.

My babies died at 7 weeks, but I carried them for another month







but I really felt something was wrong and empty. The bleeding is really hard, and its a lot. Just to let you know, if you're not in the hospital, as I wasn't, you will pass the placenta. When I did 2 days ago, I held it. I knew it was coming because I had a big contraction, so I caught it before it went into the toilet. I know this sounds really awful; its was, but it helped me grieve. The u/s I had had no fetuses and no heartbeat, of course. One sac was bleeding, but one sac was intact. So I held this clump for a while and then said good bye to it. I thought about burrying it, but at that point, I had let go some more, because I knew the bodies were not there, as they had been absorbed, and I like to think, went back into me, where they came from. Because I had briefly seen the placenta from my first healthy pregnancy after my son was born, I thought this placenta looked equally healthy, and I knew I could not blame myself, but believe it was a chromosonal abnormality, especially since there were twins.

Take good care of yourself and let yourself grieve. Its a process and its hard, but its all we can do to heal.


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## Erin_82 (Jul 15, 2005)

Hi Mimi, I remember you from the March board. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I am nervous about when 'it' will happen. i dont want to be at work, or in public, but there is no way of knowingf and i dont want to have in induce- partly because I still am hoping that the baby will heal. i dont know...

I dont know what to say, I'm very sorry for your loss. I know it hurts.


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## mimi! (Aug 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Erin_82*
Hi Mimi, I remember you from the March board. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I am nervous about when 'it' will happen. i dont want to be at work, or in public, but there is no way of knowingf and i dont want to have in induce- partly because I still am hoping that the baby will heal. i dont know...

I dont know what to say, I'm very sorry for your loss. I know it hurts.









Hi Erin,
It took about four days from the initial spotting to really begin. I think that the first spotting it the sac bleeding







. I think you can avoid a d&c, if that's what you mean, my midwife offered some med. to induce contractions if my body didn't start on its own. So that may be a better route.
Take care


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## shimmer (Mar 17, 2003)

This is an amazing thread to read. I'm very surprised at how many of you knew your babies wouldn't live.

I was completely different. I had NO idea.

I recall once during pregnany that I hesitated cutting tags off of some clothes that were a gift. I thought, "What if this baby dies, I can't return these without clothes." But then my next thought was, "Babies don't die." And snip went the tags.

I completely envisoned Livia living with us and being here with us.


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## Tummy (Feb 24, 2005)

Greetings and huge







to all!
Before I go on, wanted to say this is really a great thread, glad I came across it.

I am presently 12.1 weeks pregnant, yet my baby died at 8 weeks gestation.
I had my u/s this past Wed that confirmed my feelings.

We arrived late to our u/s appt due to circumstances we could not control.
The u/s tech tried to do the u/s on my tummy, but my bladder was not full. She went out of the room and upon her return to do the transvaginal I told her that I wanted to see the screen (it was turned to where I could not see). She said that she needed to look at things first and then would let me see. I told her at that moment that I was okay to see whatever was there, that I was "expecting" to not see a heartbeat. She got a







look on her face and said why is that?
I then said to my DH (who was at my feet) "Honey, remember last week when I said to you that I have a feeling we will get an u/s and find that the baby died at 8 weeks gestation?" He nodded and I replied to him "Remember that in a few minutes."
The tech was ****







with my words.
I was looking over to the screen, about to break my neck doing so... I could see exactly what I already *"KNEW"* .

After she was done, she said, "Do you want to see?" I said yes, I do, and I know he does not have a heartbeat, I could already see that, and he is very tiny, the same size he was 3 weeks ago at my last u/s. She just nodded at me and showed me my little baby.
No heartbeat, and at 8 weeks gestation still.

All the week before I kept telling everyone that for some reason the thought of a "missed m/c" was on my mind. Why I did not know, but I did know...KWIM?

So, now we still wait, wait on this beautiful blessing to leave my body.
For some reason, I am still not upset over this, perhaps because I already was prepared for it? Perhaps because the time was not right for him to be with us and we know this also. Perhaps because he is actually still with us, and has not left yet, physically that is of course.
(please dont get me wrong, I am upset, but have not actually broke down and cried about him being gone yet. Yes, HIM, sometimes we do just KNOW)


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## mimi! (Aug 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tummy*
Greetings and huge







to all!
Before I go on, wanted to say this is really a great thread, glad I came across it.

I am presently 12.1 weeks pregnant, yet my baby died at 8 weeks gestation.
I had my u/s this past Wed that confirmed my feelings.

Yes, HIM, sometimes we do just KNOW)

Tummy, I am so sorry for your loss and to see another from our March due date club. I remember your posts there about not hearing a heart beat. I also remember being strangely drawn to your posts, and anxious to hear your reply that all was well; however, this was my instinct trying to tell me something and I was just transferring my gut feelings over to you.

I felt I would never hear the heartbeat of twins, mainly because I reasoned that I would never conceive twins. But when the midwife searched, I just knew we would not find one or two heartbeats, but I was hoping she would keep looking to see if there would be a second one.

Yes, sometimes we do know the gender. I was sure I was having a boy the first time and I did. This time I was sure I was having girls, but this has not been confirmed. Maybe someday I'll know and meet them.

take care of yourself during this difficult time


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

I knew too. From the very first moment I found out I felt sick, I knew something was wrong. I was always afraid for my baby.

Even my mom and dh's grandmother told me about babies that died. I was so upset! They must have subconsciously picked up on my feelings.

I still feel guilty and often wonder if I pushed her away.... I love her so much and wanted to give her the best.


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carsonsmama*
Reading this thread really scares me and yet when I saw the title I needed to know the answer.
I am 27 weeks pregnant and since this baby was conceived I have been worried. Everything thus far has went smoothly with no problems and yet I still have this nagging feeling that this baby isn't going to live. Wow this is hard to admit. With my DS I had NO doubts he would be fine but I just have found it so strange that I keep feeling this. I am not even excited about this pregnancy yet, something seems to be holding me back telling me to wait.

We didn't tell our families about the pregnancy till I was over four months because I was expecting to have a m/c. Now every time I go for my check up I don't expect them to find the heart beat. It is very unsettling and I worry I am willing this child to not live.
Then I read this thread hoping to read that no one had a clue their child wasn't going to make it and instead I read about allot of people who felt the same way I am.
How awful of a mother do I feel like as this little one kicks away and I sit here thinking that it's time is limited.
I have been feeling like this from the beginning and besides a few off hand mentions to my husband have not told anyone how strong these feelings are....Please God let me be wrong!!!

Please see your doctor or midwife right away and tell them how you are feeling!!! Get an ultrasound to see what's going on in there. Ask them to monitor you regularly. Know the signs of preterm labour and if you ever feel funny go to the hospital right away!

Listen to your heart and do what you think is best for you and your baby.

Get your baby's ultrasound on video. Tape record the baby's heartbeat too.

Wishing you the best with your baby! Let me know how you are doing and how Baby is doing too.


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## kristenok18 (Jun 26, 2006)

Fisrt of all, I apologize for reviving an OLD old thread, but I stumbled across it and these are the questions I have been asking myself since our IUI, and did throughout the entire 8w of my pregnancy.

I have been thinking about this alot. I feel like I "knew" that I wouldn't have this baby in May, that I wouldn't ever get to hold him. My brain told me that I was just being extra cautious after our 3 years of infertility. That by knowing as much about infertility as I do, and by knowing so many people affected by it, that I know too much about all the risks and all the many many things that can go wrong. My heart tells me that I knew from the day they told me that I had a good follicle and that we'd do the IUI the next day that SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT. I felt awful, skeptical, filled with dread. I took the pg test, and couldn't believe it was positive, since I just knew it wasn't meant to be. I tried to tell my dh not tell anyone yet, but he blabbed to everyone. Now that is coming back to haunt him, and my words are echoing in his memory every day.

During the u/s, just 5 days before I m/c, I could not feel that this baby was real. I was watching the u/s screen, watching the heart beat like a hummingbird's wings, and it still didn't feel real. None of the things I felt when I heard ds's hb for the first time were there. None of the things that I felt when I saw ds's first u/s were there, and I felt terribly guilty because of it. The next day I spotted a little, and I tried to convince myself it was from my pap smear and u/s, but I KNEW.

I have tried to verbalize this feeling to only a couple of people. My mom told this to my aunt, and she (an md and hopelessly rational!







) said that it was my fear of attachment due to our many years of infertility, and that she's seen it so many times before. Another friend thinks I'm reinventing feelings to soften the blow of this loss. So now I don't tell anyone what I knew all along. And I even start to doubt whether I had those feelings at all.

What gives me a little peace is that within an hour of losing my baby, I was flooded with a sense that the next one would be alright. It was this warm feeling that enveloped me and actually gave me comfort. Of course, the further I get away from it the more my brain tries to intefere with my heart and tell me it's all in my imagination, that I'll still feel the same terrible dread with the next one (if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again, that is).

I am comforted to know that others have felt this, and that I am not a fool for listening to my intuition.


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## 2crazykids (Jun 19, 2005)

You can never be a fool for listening to your intuition. Fools DON'T listen...


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## Meshell (Sep 4, 2007)

I actually feel less guilty reading all the posts in this thread. I am thankful for it. I always told everyone I knew that they would know I was pregnant because I would be crying hysterically. That was not the case at all! I was so calm no one believed me when I told them. I had no emotion whatsoever about it. It was as though I knew from the beginning. I kept telling my DH we should wait until after the first appointment to tell everyone to make sure everything was okay, but he wasn't having any of it. He was excited (been waiting 5 years) and he wanted the world to know his boys could swim. I would walk through the baby section at stores, but get bored and think "whatever, I don't need any of this." I felt totally disconnected. I voiced this to DH and my mom and some other friends that I had this feeling inside me that I was going to go to my first appointment and hear bad news. Well, I never made it to my first appointment. I actually ended up in the ER the weekend before. Having a feeling before hand didn't make the ordeal any easier. In some ways it made it worse. Like I said before, it made me feel guilty as if I didn't love my baby enough to make it live. But hearing everyone else say they felt that way too gives me some peace of mind. Thank you ladies for sharing!


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

Great thread. I didn't consciously realize this connection while I was pg, however we also had zero ideas about names, nothing seemed right. I had a very hard time visualizing where to put the crib, whether the baby would room with my daughter or my son after the first few months, and when my midwife had asked me to visualize the birth and what I wanted, I also drew a complete blank.


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## Sunshine4004 (Nov 17, 2006)

In retrospect this was me too. I really wasn't excited to tell anyone and I would always preface it with "I am _only_ _ weeks so it is still early." Our parents and my DH were the ones to blab to the world. I was excited and the baby was planned and wanted, don't get me wrong, but I just felt unsure and nervous to tell others. I even said several times before we found out the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks, "I just don't _feel_ pregnant." I think subconsciously my body knew something wasn't right.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

I had a miscarriage between my 2nd and 3rd child (not my first mc though).

I am pretty sure that the fetus had IUGR, because I know when its heart stopped beating but the size of it they found later was a bit smaller.

I woke up in the middle of the night, with a feeling of something I call a "small black flappy" over my stomach. My DD1 cried out in her sleep just after I woke. I literally, just went from sleeping to wide awake with my eyes open laying there with no in between states.

I woke up my DH, and told him I thought something was wrong and that I was worried because it was about 10.5 weeks in and what happened. He of course thought I was insane, "Is this a nightmare?" "NO, No, it isn't." I told him I should not be seeing that thing - it should not be there, and I should be instead starting to feel the person who would be. And that I would appreciate his support, since I don't actually enjoy waking my DH up in the middle of the night to have a conversation that will make him think I am insane.

Because nothing happened after that, I just went to my normal 12 week ultrasound and found that I had a missed miscarriage. I never did miscarry - I had to finally get in for a d&c 5 weeks later. ugh.


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## JJJJBlue3333 (Sep 9, 2004)

I m/c in july at 11.5 weeks. I knew. I never could really picture myself with 3 kids in feb. We were doing extra appts. with my mw for massages and stress relief and around week 8 she made the comment, "oh your still tiny this time" I tried to tell myself it was b/c I was hopefully having our first girl and carrying differently but I never stopped feeling uneasy from that point on. The strange thing about that pregnancy in particular is I feel like I've already seen my next child...a girl. I thought aobut this little girl constantly and after I m/c I had a very stong sense that I hadn't lost "her". There was no baby or even fetal tissue in the gestational sac. I've deeply grieved being pregnant and not getting to meet my little girl who is still waiting for me. I have very mixed feelings about that pregnancy and don't really every talk about these things.


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## kristenok18 (Jun 26, 2006)

Jen,

I feel sort of like that, too, that the baby I lost was not the baby I was supposed to have. It's soooo hard to talk about.









Kristen


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## jprivora (Feb 16, 2007)

It is very reassuring to hear others feel the same way I did. I just found out on Tuesday that at almost 8 weeks I didn't have a baby but a blighted ovum. Thinking back, I just couldn't get excited about the baby and couldn't picture having another one in May. When I told the few people I did, I knew that it was the wrong thing to do, but I just took it as being superstious. Maybe my body and subconcious knew since the ultrasound showed a sac measuring 5 weeks, so I obviously lost the baby about 3 weeks ago and even though I felt pregnant and started looking it I really knew nothing was there.
I mentioned this to my husband and felt the same way. We just couldn't picture it. With this all being said, I'm still coming to terms with the lose and getting over the idea of a little one in May. It helps to talk about it.


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

Yes. Even after seeing the heartbeat, and having morning sickness, etc, I still felt like something was off.


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## kristenok18 (Jun 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hannybanany* 
Yes. Even after seeing the heartbeat, and having morning sickness, etc, I still felt like something was off.

Exactly! I feel that I can't say that to people and be taken seriously, though, because they automatically assume that I am just making excuses. It is still devastating to have gone through this loss, but I feel that I knew in my heart all along that it wasn't going to happen.


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## jeffsdear (Aug 21, 2007)

This is an oddly reassuring thread! I have had 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth. With the first miscarriage, even as I was taking the pregnancy test, I knew it wouldn't stick. And it didn't - I lost her at 6 weeks. And with each of the others, I can look back and notice a weird detachment. With this last pregnancy, my husband kept asking me about baby names, and I just didn't have ANY in mind. But I DID see myself with a baby... So I do think maybe I was seeing a DIFFERENT baby than the one that was born... I do keep seeing myself with a boy, and we lost a GIRL...
Thanks for sharing your experiences mamas!


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## zoie2013 (Mar 31, 2007)

I'm so glad this thread was revived. I agree with pp that it is oddly comforting. I thought I was the only one to "know" I would never keep our daughter, Rowan, outside my womb.

This pg never felt right from the beginning. I was really sick-all day sick. My poor toddler was watching me barfing all the time. I joked that eventually he'd learn to hold my hair back for me. I was exhausted-really exhausted all the time. I chocked all this up to running after a toddler and "every pg is different." But, that never sounded true to me. It wasn't just a normal sick, tired pg. The baby's movements felt wrong, too. They were not painful to me, but definitely uncomfortable-just wrong somehow. And she kept hanging out transverse, which felt to me like she was curled up trying to find some comfort. I never bought any girl clothes, even though I somehow knew she was a girl. I didn't prepare anything for her at all. Dh and I had decided not to have any u/s, but I decided to have one because of my feelings. I just knew something was wrong with our daughter. I stopped sharing my feelings to dh and my mom because they wrote them off as my exhaustion and sickness overwhelming me. I didn't tell anyone else because I didn't want to make my fears real. kwim?

During the last 4 weeks of my pg, I had a recurring dream almost every night. I now think I understand it. I dreamed I was in labor, with only ds with me. I squatted down and birthed our daughter uc. Our mw and dh arrived just as I birthed the placenta. I am holding our baby, but I never really look at her. It's like she's not there. I am nursing ds, but not my new baby. Then, my mw says, "You have another baby coming, you know." At the time, I thought I was dreaming of having twins. Now, I think I dreamed of Rowan and our future daughter. Btw, our daughter was stillborn u/c (mw didn't make it in time), I squatted to birth her, and I held her in my arm as I bf'd ds. At least irl, I did really look at her and love her.

Adding this, too: Also, after we had the u/s, I spent the next day and a half talking, bonding, and falling in love with Rowan. I definitely felt her responding and loving me back. I told her how much we adored her and that it would be okay to leave now. She didn't need to stay for me anymore. I finally knew how much I loved her, which I never had felt or told her before. I knew when she died because suddenly, she just wasn't there anymore. My thoughts to her were met with a resounding silence. 5 hours later, my contractions began and she was born later that day. I feel like part of why she stayed for me was to help me heal from the fear I had during ds' birth that I hadn't yet dealt with. I birthed her with no fear whatsoever. I birthed in grief, but knew as true is true that her birth would be good and I would be healthy.


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## Meshell (Sep 4, 2007)

I thought I would come back and add a dream I had just a few days before getting my BFP with the baby I m/c'd.

I dreamt I was walking around with the intent of showing off my new baby. I wanted to go shopping, go to the post office, out to lunch, anything to run into people I knew or have someone strike up a conversation with me about my baby. Suddenly while I was walking around I looked down and thought to myself "Will people think I'm weird? Will they notice there's no baby here?" In my dream I did not have a baby in my arms at all. I was carrying this phantom baby around in a sling, but there wasn't a sling either. Everyone kept coming up to me gesturing as though they were moving the sling to see the baby and saying how cute it was. But I just kept thinking "these people are going to know there's no baby. How can they not? I know there isn't. Can't they see my arms are empty?"

It seemed strange at the time, but now it really does explain how I felt during the whole pregnancy. It is strange the way our bodies tell us and we just *know* certain things.


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