# Other people correcting your children



## 77sugaree (Jul 3, 2007)

when you are right there.
My step-brother does this everytime we are around him. Sometimes it is legit, ex: my son was climbing onto my mom's glass coffee table and my SB says " get down J." Which would have been great had I not been in the room, but I was right there and was just getting ready to say the same thing.
Other times it is just silly, ex: my son was touching the concrete grasshopper in my mom's flower bed, SB says "don't touch that J." It is just a concrete grasshopper. I like to touch it too, he's super cute. (my mom doesn't mind if we touch it either)
Anyway, he and his wife are super mainstream and are very strict with their son who is just 4 months older than mine. I know he probably thinks I am not strict enough. Should I say something like "It's OK, I got this." or should I just roll my eyes and go on.


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## Music-mommy (Jan 8, 2005)

Sounds like you might need to nicely ask him not to correct your child and you will do the same for his son. That he is welcome to make the rules in his house if your son is there, but in other places that you should both parent your own children?

I know easier said than done though!


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

I would request that he does not correct your child when you are standing right there. If he continues I would keep reminding him "I plan to correct my child when I feel necessary." However, at the same time if someone continues to do something with my child I have expressed distaste for I just try to avoid those situations and when I am in those situations to just ignore it. I will react to my child instead and say "That was confusing. Everyone else is allowed to touch it. It's okay with me for you to touch it if its okay with Grandma (since it belongs to her)" If it was something that belonged to your brother then I would let him set the limit, or more so, I would set the limit before he could. "That belongs to him, so he can choose who touches it. Just like you can with the things that belong to you."

When I'm not around my only limit is that no one physically correct my child. I do my best to allow my children to experience the different ways different people will interact with them, however anything I think is damaging I will put a limit on. That may be different for me then another person of course


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My brother is like this. I correct back right in front of him. "Don't touch that, S." He'll say. And then I'll say, "It's OK S, go ahead - you can touch that." In my happiest most friendly voice. Let him take it up with me.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

The glass coffee table..........would not have bother me at all. That one time even though you were in the room was a true safety issue. I would get over that one --IMO it would be like your partner saying it faster. --but then again I have seen a child seriously hurt by one and that might effect my perception.

I would pull your brother to the side and say if you think dc is doing something he should be doing please talk or point it out to me/partner first.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

I think I'd go with the "I've got this" line. That sounds like a good solution. It drives me batty when someone tries to correct my kid while i'm in the same room (in my case, it is my BIL who thinks he should do this).


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## Carley (Aug 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
My brother is like this. I correct back right in front of him. "Don't touch that, S." He'll say. And then I'll say, "It's OK S, go ahead - you can touch that." In my happiest most friendly voice. Let him take it up with me.

Wow... that is just...









OP if you were going to say the same thing as he was, then what's the problem?

For me it's a good thing when other people correct my DD. It lets her know that certain things aren't just not ok with me, they're not ok with other people either. It really takes the "Mom" out of general rules, you know?

I know everyone is different, but if someone is just correcting something that's.. well... wrong... then what's the big deal? Let the mama ego go, you know? Your kid is a child of the world and all that...?

If it really bothers you I would never, ever undermine someone that wasn't out of line. That tells your kid that other people's opinions and preferences don't matter. Bring it up individually, for sure.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

Well I live with 4 adults in my house who are not dp and i and not "related" to my ds and I except them to correct ds if he is doing something "wrong," even if I am in the room. Yes, sometimes do they stop him doing something I would typically allow, sure. And if its something I think he should be able to do I mights say, "Acutally we let him add things to the blender when we are making smoothies, its okay, because we always unplug it." But if its just something they prefer he not do, "no ds don't stand on the chair you might fall" well I might let him stand on the chair, but yea, he might fall, so its okay with me if you tell him to sit in the chair.

If I am the park and a kid does something "unsafe" I might say "hey watch it, don't throw rocks they could hurt someone" even if their parent was right there, because we all live in the world together ya know.

Sure sometimes peoples rules are werid and you can call them on that. But I mean I let ds do things dp doesn't let him do and vice versa, so I think kids are pretty good at figuring out different people have different rules and expectations and that's life.


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## Kappa (Oct 15, 2007)

I honestly don't think any adult can sit and watch a child climb onto a glass table and wait if only for 1/2 second for the Mom to say something. I would have leaped across the room if I saw one of my baby's cousins doing something like that even if Mom was in the vicinity. I also re-direct with other behaviors (we have biters and climbers too), even though with us Moms our ideas differ a bit. "It takes a village" you know and Mom shouldn't have to be on hyper-alert in a room full of otherwise responsible adults. I don't know, what would you have done if you saw your nephew climb onto the table?

With the grasshopper, well maybe he had a good reason (it was hot), a bad reason (it was dirty), or no reason at all. I would have probably asked what was wrong with that and say that he usually gets to touch the grasshopper. Either way, unless he was causing some sort of stress by foisting arbitrary rules on the child, I would think it was just him asserting his authority as an uncle. My son's uncles and aunts (and grandmother) are permissive in the extreme, so there are two ends of the spectrum, I think based on your post your SB is still firmly in the reasonable category unless there is something else to your relationship that we don't know about (such as him undermining your parenting, or your being told that he doesn't want you correcting his child, etc.)


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## charleysmama23 (Sep 28, 2008)

I think I'm on the fence with this issue. On the one hand, it is very difficult for me to spend time around children whose parents I know do not want any other adult to correct their child (either because they've said that or they just make it clear in their actions). One of the women in our playgroup has a lovely little girl, she's very "2" you know,







into everything, hits faces and laughs, takes things without asking etc. Normal behavior when it's dealt with I think...but I don't like being around her because she takes food from my dd, and she hits (not hard, just playfully) me and I know I can't say anything and then often her mother doesn't either (so there's a difference, obviously you're not saying you wouldn't intervene when appropriate). But with my other friends who ARE comfortable with me saying something I feel at ease. So if my friend's 2 year is getting in dd's face a little too much (cause he loves her so much) I can say "Hey W, let's give dd some space, okay buddy?" and redirect him without worrying about what his Mom will say or think of me.

But, I get what you're saying if your SB is constantly intervening, especially when it's stupid like touching something that is totally fine to touch, that could be annoying too. Maybe talk to him and ask him only to intervene if your ds is doing something A. dangerous or B. unkind (like hitting)??? I don't know...


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## Smalls181 (May 12, 2006)

Its all in the way they handle it and their overall attitude and opinion of you and your parenting.

Somebody who has made it clear that your discipline style is too soft and ineffective correcting my child in front of me is when I say "Ive got it, thanks." Or just avoid them as much as possible.

Somebody who has consistently shown respect for me and my parenting and my child, it doesn't bother me when they say something to her.

I'm actually dealing with this right now with two of my neighbors. Both are a lot stricter with their children than I am with my daughter. One is very respectful of me, the other makes snide remarks any chance she gets. Not too long ago, I was in the middle of correcting my daughter, who wasn't looking at me, and she pipes in "Dont you listen to your mother?!" In the snottiest tone of voice. I had to leave before I said or did something I would later regret.

And then this morning, her 6 year old was talking to us through our screen door, and out of nowhere said "you are too easy on Scarlett." I ased her where she heard that from, and she said her mom. I am so beyond annoyed with that person, I dont want to be in her presence again. But we have mutual friends, birthday parties, etc so its not possible to completely avoid her.


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## Steady Mom (May 23, 2009)

I would try to politely address it if and when it feels natural to do so. It's one thing when you're not there, but especially if you are there it's a little inappropriate.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smalls181* 
"Dont you listen to your mother?!" In the snottiest tone of voice. I had to leave before I said or did something I would later regret.

I find comments like that extremely rude to. No matter how "strict" you are, your child is not ALWAYS going to listen to you. It would be very hard for me not to catch HER child not listening and say to her "doesn't your child listen to you" of course I wouldnt because what that might mean for that kind of person's child. but really, if HER child ALWAYS listened to her, then she wouldn't need to discipline EVER, which would in effect make her "easier" on her child then you are with yours. Heaven forbid you don't micromanage your child







I feel so annoyed for you. You handle those situations with much more grace then I think the average person would.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

For me this is one of those "there are so many different factors" and "it depends" sorts of things. In general, I prefer that I or DH be the one who guides my kids. However, I also think its appropriate for the host to set "house rules" when we are out and for them to communicate rules directly to my children. So, if we are visiting I am fine when host says "Please don't touch the grasshopper". However, if it isn't his house either and he says it, then I think its OK to say "I've got this, thanks" at the time and later (out of hearing of your child) to say "Please don't correct J when I am right there -- it confuses him to have so many different sets of rules".

For true safety issues, then its whoever can get the words out first and/or whoever is getting hurt or protecting someone else. So a child throwing rocks at the playground I would consider "fair game" to say "Please put the rock down because you might hurt someone" even if the mom was right there.

Of course it is absolutely unacceptable for anyone to physically manhandle my child except in extreme emergencies.


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## Smalls181 (May 12, 2006)

Thanks so much for saying I handle it gracefully. That example is only the tip of the iceberg. I had to REALLY limit contact with her to the point where I only see her if we run into each other.

I try not to even think about some of the things she has said to my daughter, because it makes my blood boil. But another example. Her daughter, being 3 years older than mine, and a bully, will instigate fights. Then if my daughter retaliates physically, which I do not condone and always correct, she gets snotty and almost in her face and says "Dont you hit my kid."

I guess I only ever hung out with them for as long as I have because our daughters seem to like each other, and I didnt have many friends in the town. Now that we don't see them as much, I feel so much better!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *4inMyHeart3inArms* 
I find comments like that extremely rude to. No matter how "strict" you are, your child is not ALWAYS going to listen to you. It would be very hard for me not to catch HER child not listening and say to her "doesn't your child listen to you" of course I wouldnt because what that might mean for that kind of person's child. but really, if HER child ALWAYS listened to her, then she wouldn't need to discipline EVER, which would in effect make her "easier" on her child then you are with yours. Heaven forbid you don't micromanage your child







I feel so annoyed for you. You handle those situations with much more grace then I think the average person would.


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## 4inMyHeart3inArms (May 21, 2009)

That would drive me nuts! Some people don't make any sense to me at all. Really though, she's lucky she's not my neighbor, I don't trust I could be so kind about it, even though I really admire your ability to be.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

If a child climbs on my glass coffee table, I'm going to scoop them up and tell them not to climb on it. Glass breaks when people climb on it, so I say the faster the better. If it's my kid doing it and someone else can get there first, I'm good with that. Whatever means not having broken glass everywhere.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

"Thanks bro, I've got it! You've got enough to worry about with your own."

I don't mind my family correcting my kids, but then my family rarely does it unless it's an emergency or I'm not there. And they'd never correct over something as silly as touching a concrete frog. For that I would have looked at my brother and said "why on earth not?"


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

Dangerous = closest adult (or even older child). If someone says don't touch such and such, but we're allowed to touch such and such, I'd say something like, "actually mommom says it's ok for us to touch that, so go ahead!" Obviously, his house/his rules, but it sounds like you did fine.


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## 77sugaree (Jul 3, 2007)

Thanks for all of the replies mamma's! The glass coffee table is definitely a safety issue. But, really, his only interaction with my son is to correct him. Things like, "Don't crash the cars J" "Don't push the (stuffed ) train off the table" "We don't climb the stairs" (I let him climb, they do not allow their son to climb) He doesn't even greet him when he walks in. But, that is a whole 'nother thread.
So, I think if it is something I allow, I like the idea of asking "why not?" (thanks Lynn) or even "Oh, mommy said it's OK" in my nicest voice.
Thanks ladies!


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

I'm okay with it when people correct my children. . .I also believe that it takes a village. I understand we are all different and have different comfort levels with what we allow our children to do and not do. I also think it's a good time to explain this to children. . .At Xs house we don't climb on the couch, Uncle Y really gets uncomfortable when you. . ., etc. . . I don't think I would tell your step brother not to correct your child unless he is doing it in a demeaning or rude manner. Now, if he hears you tell your child something is okay then tells your child not to do it. . .then I might say something like, "thanks I've got this one" or "really this is okay with me, thanks so much for helping out". My good friend and I have very different comfort levels with things our children do. . .however, when we are watching each other's kids we correct them in our own ways. I really think it's okay. . .


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## paakbaak (Jan 24, 2007)

i´m divorced and back at my mom´s place with my 3yo son...so i´ve had hard times hearing my mother correct my son. but i finally got this...
I treat him one way, not EVERYONE will treat him the same in his life.
so i found it´s ok if someone else corects him, he´s learning and sometimes my mom might tell him not to touch something and he tells her "mom lets me", my mom asks me if it´s true, i say yes and she has no other option but to let him do it. it´s alot simpler and better for my son because he´s learning to stand up for himself, not wait for his mom to defend him or to tell the other people what he can or can´t do.

also, if you have a friend of your child over at your house, how do you treat him? like his mother or the same way you treat your kid? there are diferent "rules" in diferent houses, so it´s fine that someone´s parents wont let your kid climb on the couch, at their house. their rules, it´s fine. kids get a wonderful chance at learning from other people, other ways of life, other things, it´s great.

i do feel it´s important to tell family and friends, when they are at you house, what you do and don´t "let" your kid do, that way they´ll know in advance.


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## pixiepunk (Mar 11, 2003)

this occasionally happens with me and if a person is correcting my child for something i don't have a problem with i just say "it's OK. i don't mind." which lets the child know s/he is OK to continue and lets the adult know to mind their own business, but in a smiley and polite way. if it is something i was about to deal with, i just say "i got it, thanks!" to the adult, and then proceed to talk to the child.

i'm not likely to make waves about it unless the person is yelling or being really unreasonable. i have a lot of friends with kids and we don't always see everything our kids do, i don't really mind if someone else nips a dangerous behavior in the bud and i do it for my friends too (like at a recent playgroup a little guy was trying to go outside and i knew he was a flight risk and not supposed to be outside so i stopped him, his mom was nearby but didn't see him).


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## Demeter_shima (May 16, 2007)

I think asserting yourself a little, politely is important. Otherwise, it could feed possible judgements or resentment in your BIL.
If he is overstepping, say he says something that you feel is harmfully restrictive, it's totally appropriate to pull him aside and correct him...explaining that you allow your child to do "blah" and that he should check with you before intervening in the future unless there is iminent danger.


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## Gin1999g (Mar 22, 2009)

I have allowed my family to correct my children as I know they have different rules and has taught my children to show respect towards others not that I allow my kids to run amok. Respect and boundaries for oneself and others was always a lesson aimed at during their small years and has paid off.


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

Quote:

Somebody who has made it clear that your discipline style is too soft and ineffective correcting my child in front of me is when I say "Ive got it, thanks." Or just avoid them as much as possible.

Somebody who has consistently shown respect for me and my parenting and my child, it doesn't bother me when they say something to her.
This.

It's one thing when it's something that doesn't need to be corrected, but when it's something that he shouldn't be doing, then as long as the parent is someone who respects me, I couldn't care less, as long as they are gentle in the way they correct him.


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## FertileMertel (May 26, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treemom2* 
I'm okay with it when people correct my children. . .I also believe that it takes a village. I understand we are all different and have different comfort levels with what we allow our children to do and not do. I also think it's a good time to explain this to children. . .At Xs house we don't climb on the couch, Uncle Y really gets uncomfortable when you. . ., etc. . . I don't think I would tell your step brother not to correct your child unless he is doing it in a demeaning or rude manner. Now, if he hears you tell your child something is okay then tells your child not to do it. . .then I might say something like, "thanks I've got this one" or "really this is okay with me, thanks so much for helping out". My good friend and I have very different comfort levels with things our children do. . .however, when we are watching each other's kids we correct them in our own ways. I really think it's okay. . .

I agree with you. It is also important for children to learn to respect ALL adults and respect that they have authority over children. Kids need to learn different adults/teachers do things differently (especially in different settings/homes/classrooms), but it is still important to show respect and obey.

Your stepbrother doesn't really seem to overstep boundaries that much. The grasshopper thing....well, maybe that was just his knee jerk reaction to say something. I think either way, it is important for you to talk with your SB privately, not in front of your child so you do not create a good parent/bad parent dynamic for your child.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FertileMertel* 
It is also important for children to learn to respect ALL adults and respect that they have authority over children. Kids need to learn different adults/teachers do things differently (especially in different settings/homes/classrooms), but it is still important to show respect and obey.

This I don't actually agree with. Respect? Absolutely. Obedience without questions? Absolutely not. What if Uncle X were saying "touch me" or something similar? Or a teacher was saying "Put this answer down on the test paper" to improve standardized test scores? This is how priests get to molest children -- they are all taught to respect and obey clergy. Kids should absolutely have the right and understanding to question whether obeying is the right thing to do. To do that, we need to teach them that sometimes its OK NOT to follow the directions of an adult.

Not, mind you, that I think this was the case here and I don't have a problem with "different place/person, different rules". I don't even have a problem with others gently correcting my child while he is in their home or they are in charge. I do have a problem with adults correcting my kids when I'm there and in charge of them and its my space or "public" space. But children do also need to know that they can say "I'm sorry, that doesn't seem right to me" and their parents will back them up.


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## FertileMertel (May 26, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evan&Anna's_Mom* 
This I don't actually agree with. Respect? Absolutely. Obedience without questions? Absolutely not. What if Uncle X were saying "touch me" or something similar? Or a teacher was saying "Put this answer down on the test paper" to improve standardized test scores? This is how priests get to molest children -- they are all taught to respect and obey clergy. Kids should absolutely have the right and understanding to question whether obeying is the right thing to do. To do that, we need to teach them that sometimes its OK NOT to follow the directions of an adult.

Not, mind you, that I think this was the case here and I don't have a problem with "different place/person, different rules". I don't even have a problem with others gently correcting my child while he is in their home or they are in charge. I do have a problem with adults correcting my kids when I'm there and in charge of them and its my space or "public" space. But children do also need to know that they can say "I'm sorry, that doesn't seem right to me" and their parents will back them up.

You took my words to extremes. I am not talking about blind obedience! I agree there is a time and a place for children to question. And of course, as parents, we teach our children only they have a right to their own bodies. If you are instilling good moral values into your children, they will hopefully know the difference between obeying respectfully and disobeying respectfully when something is asked of them that is wrong. And they should know that if the line is unclear, they should ask mom and dad or another trusting adult.

In regards to people correcting other peoples children when the parent is right there, you are assuming the parent will tell their child "no" when they are doing something naughty. What if the parent doesn't step in and just watches their child misbehave? I had this happen and the other mom was even a teacher like myself. After disciplining other kids all day, you'd think she would have a grip on her own! She was visiting my house with her 4/5 year old son. He began running and sliding across my coffee table on his butt scratching the table with the rivets on his jeans. Then he was jumping from one recliner leg rest to another and jumping on the couch. (These aren't that sturdy!) This child was acting like a wild monkey while visiting my house. His mother did not say a WORD to him. Finally, I had to step in. I wasn't about to let him scratch and break my furniture. Besides, that's no way for children to behave while visiting other people's houses.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:

In regards to people correcting other peoples children when the parent is right there, you are assuming the parent will tell their child "no" when they are doing something naughty. What if the parent doesn't step in and just watches their child misbehave? I had this happen and the other mom was even a teacher like myself. After disciplining other kids all day, you'd think she would have a grip on her own! She was visiting my house with her 4/5 year old son. He began running and sliding across my coffee table on his butt scratching the table with the rivets on his jeans. Then he was jumping from one recliner leg rest to another and jumping on the couch. (These aren't that sturdy!) This child was acting like a wild monkey while visiting my house. His mother did not say a WORD to him. Finally, I had to step in. I wasn't about to let him scratch and break my furniture. Besides, that's no way for children to behave while visiting other people's houses.
But this was your house, so you definitely should have been able to say "Please don't slide on the table" or whatever, as long as you gave the other parent a chance to say something first and were respectful toward mother and child. Or to say to the mother "I would prefer if Jr. didn't do X" and letting her handle it, either way. But if you were at a third person's house, then I think it would be overstepping bounds to correct a child that wasn't your own while the parent was there and if the host weren't saying anything (which is what I understand the OPs situation to be"). Unless, of course, the child was lighting matches or something obviously dangerous.


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## FertileMertel (May 26, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evan&Anna's_Mom* 
But this was your house, so you definitely should have been able to say "Please don't slide on the table" or whatever, as long as you gave the other parent a chance to say something first and were respectful toward mother and child. Or to say to the mother "I would prefer if Jr. didn't do X" and letting her handle it, either way. But if you were at a third person's house, then I think it would be overstepping bounds to correct a child that wasn't your own while the parent was there and if the host weren't saying anything (which is what I understand the OPs situation to be"). Unless, of course, the child was lighting matches or something obviously dangerous.

I agree with you. We are on the same page. That is a good suggestion to state your wishes to the parent first. I wish I would have thought of that at the time although I'm not sure it would have mattered. I was just so floored that she would allow her child to act that way. I try to be respectful of the parents at all times, but the teacher in me comes out every so often since I am used to reprimanding others' children.


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