# Do you let your kids cancel playdates?



## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

My friend cancelled a playdate today, 5 mins before she was supposed to be here, because her dd5 didn't feel like going anywhere. She asked if we could come there but I was in the middle of making puff pastry (it turned out really well!) so I didn't want to leave my house. It is REALLY annoying to disappoint my dd 5 mins before they were supposed to come and I find the reason REALLY annoying. If it was my dd and she "didn't feel like it" I would try to compromise and go for a shortened trip rather than miss it all together. It's just very rude and inconsiderate imo. GRrrrrrr....


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## VBMama (Jan 6, 2004)

We've never canceled a playdate with that little notice, even if someone doesn't feel like going. Too disappointing for the friend waiting to play and too rude to the parent who got ready for playdate. I even feel bad when I have to call several hours early because someone is sick.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Thanks for replying- it feels good to vent a bit.


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## Sailor (Jun 13, 2006)

My mom always let me cancel play dates. Even at the last minute.

She used to approach it differently, i.e. she'd make me go away. However, that stopped because each time she did this, I would go with her to the house, and then I'd sit there in complete and utter stony silence. I wouldn't speak, wouldn't play, would ignore everyone and everything. If I didn't want to do something ... nothing would make me do it.

After a while, my mom gave up, lol.

So ... you never know. Maybe your friend has a similar dd. I admit I was stubborn and bratty, and my poor mom had to live through many embarrassing public moments. But, hey, most of us grow out of it.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

I don't think I would allow a last minute cancellation unless there was a really good reason. We need to remember that we are raising adults, and cancelling on a friend with five minutes notice is really rude!

I would explain to my kid that when we make commitments to people we need to follow through with them, especially when they are kind enough to invite us to their home. I would maybe negotiate that we would go for a little while, and that if she wasn't having fun we could leave - but to not go is too rude for me.


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## Sailor (Jun 13, 2006)

Well, if it makes anyone feel better (in case anyone here has a child that acts like I used to), as an adult, I keep all my appointments and never cancel at the last minute. So ... in my mom's case, allowing me to cancel play dates didn't affect my being responsible in adulthood. But, it did save my mom a lot of embarrassment in terms of watching me ignore everyone at said play date.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *just_lily* 
I don't think I would allow a last minute cancellation unless there was a really good reason. We need to remember that we are raising adults, and cancelling on a friend with five minutes notice is really rude!

I would explain to my kid that when we make commitments to people we need to follow through with them, especially when they are kind enough to invite us to their home. I would maybe negotiate that we would go for a little while, and that if she wasn't having fun we could leave - but to not go is too rude for me.

I agree - unless my child was suddenly very sick at the last moment, I wouldn't do a last minute cancellation as it's rude to the host.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sailor* 
My mom always let me cancel play dates. Even at the last minute.

She used to approach it differently, i.e. she'd make me go away. However, that stopped because each time she did this, I would go with her to the house, and then I'd sit there in complete and utter stony silence. I wouldn't speak, wouldn't play, would ignore everyone and everything. If I didn't want to do something ... nothing would make me do it.

After a while, my mom gave up, lol.

So ... you never know. Maybe your friend has a similar dd. I admit I was stubborn and bratty, and my poor mom had to live through many embarrassing public moments. But, hey, most of us grow out of it.



















Good point. Said child is an only child and used to getting things her way so she IS very persistent.


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## MommyKelly (Jun 6, 2009)

I wouldnt cancel unless it was an emergency, but I would prefer someone cancel on me then bring their crabby kid to my house to ruin my kids day. LOL


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## Sailor (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 









Good point. Said child is an only child and used to getting things her way so she IS very persistent.

Hey ... that explains it - I was an only child too!


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Since my kids would never do that I would have a hard time imaging that situation.

If my children would make that request I would have to honor it. It would be so outside of their personalities. I would think that something is wrong with them or there was some other issue.


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## seawind (Sep 28, 2007)

"Didn't feel like it" isn't reason enough for me to cancel a playdate at the last minute. Rather inconsiderate. Allowing these things as a matter of course leads to a undesirable precedent, imo.

I also find it strange that the child's mother actually asked if you wanted to come over, instead!


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
Since my kids would never do that I would have a hard time imaging that situation.

If my children would make that request I would have to honor it. It would be so outside of their personalities. I would think that something is wrong with them or there was some other issue.

same here.


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## TwinsTwicePlusTwo (Dec 7, 2008)

Depends on which kid we're talking about and how vehemently they're objecting to going. Jesse and Davin would be perfectly content to never leave the house for the rest of their lives, but they don't fight me about getting in the car and usually have fun when we get there. If one of my more social kids wanted to cancel a playdate I would try to find out why. If they were very insistent and no explanation were forthcoming, I would let them cancel, even at the last minute, because I'd know there was some deeper issue going on. Profuse apologies to the other mom would be in order, but I'm not going to drag a kid out kicking and screaming for something they're supposed to be enjoying.

ETA: If one of my kids wanted to cancel that badly, I certainly wouldn't be inviting the other kid over to my house instead until I understood what the problem was. That part seems very strange to me. Only children tend to get their way most of the time, though, IME.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

I wouldn't cancel in a one on one situation like that, but I might elect not to go to a park playdate if my child was just in a horrible mood. And I had a friend who would sometimes cancel if her child just didn't want to go. Which worked out fine, because if she came and brought her child, it was even more frustrating if the girl cried and just didn't want to play.

I am talking younger kids here, like 6 and under.

It's very upsetting and frustrating to me when people make plans and don't show up and don't call, and you find out later it just wasn't working for them for some reason. So I felt like I could never tell my daughter that a friend was coming over, because it didn't work out some of the time and it made her very upset.


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *just_lily* 
We need to remember that we are raising adults, and cancelling on a friend with five minutes notice is really rude!

I would explain to my kid that when we make commitments to people we need to follow through with them, especially when they are kind enough to invite us to their home.

Exactly!


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## Needle in the Hay (Sep 16, 2006)

It just seems odd to me. Did the child want to go 10 minutes before the playdate but then not 5 minutes before? When we have somewhere to go I let my DS know ahead of time and then say things like "OK I'm going to go get ready and then we'll leave to go to _____'s house or X activity or appt or whatever.

I ask my DS before I would set something like that up and can't imagine him deciding 5 minutes before that he didn't want to go. And he's a spoiled only child








So who knows, maybe there is more to the story. Has this child come over before without any problem?

Oh btw, my aunt used to to that with my cousin. We'd agree I'd come over and then when I'd get there sometimes my aunt would answer the door and say "Cousin doesn't feel like playing right now" in this condescending voice. It was very rude and her DD was always allowed to be as rude as she wanted (and when I say "allowed" I don't mean to say she should have been forced to play but it was never even talked about how it might disappoint the other child, etc). She was one of 3 children so it can't just be an only child thing!


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *just_lily* 
I don't think I would allow a last minute cancellation unless there was a really good reason. We need to remember that we are raising adults, and cancelling on a friend with five minutes notice is really rude!

I would explain to my kid that when we make commitments to people we need to follow through with them, especially when they are kind enough to invite us to their home. I would maybe negotiate that we would go for a little while, and that if she wasn't having fun we could leave - but to not go is too rude for me.

Totally agree! Personally, I think that kind of catering leads to bratty self-centered behavior, not the other way around. No offense meant to reformed former play date cancellers.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I can't even imagine my dd canceling a playdate.

Well, with her, like a pp said, it would be so weird I'd worry that she must be getting sick or something, so I would cancel.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I can't imagine not letting my kid cancel a playdate. I probably wouldn't at the last minute though.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyKelly* 
I wouldnt cancel unless it was an emergency, but I would prefer someone cancel on me then bring their crabby kid to my house to ruin my kids day. LOL

True enough! It was likely a blessing in disguise.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viola* 
I wouldn't cancel in a one on one situation like that, but I might elect not to go to a park playdate if my child was just in a horrible mood. And I had a friend who would sometimes cancel if her child just didn't want to go. Which worked out fine, because if she came and brought her child, it was even more frustrating if the girl cried and just didn't want to play.

I am talking younger kids here, like 6 and under.

It's very upsetting and frustrating to me when people make plans and don't show up and don't call, and you find out later it just wasn't working for them for some reason. So I felt like I could never tell my daughter that a friend was coming over, because it didn't work out some of the time and it made her very upset.

This is how I feel sometimes- plans get changed a lot with this person and I almost need to not say anything until its time for the playdate.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Needle in the Hay* 
It just seems odd to me. Did the child want to go 10 minutes before the playdate but then not 5 minutes before? When we have somewhere to go I let my DS know ahead of time and then say things like "OK I'm going to go get ready and then we'll leave to go to _____'s house or X activity or appt or whatever.

I ask my DS before I would set something like that up and can't imagine him deciding 5 minutes before that he didn't want to go. And he's a spoiled only child









So who knows, maybe there is more to the story. Has this child come over before without any problem?

Oh btw, my aunt used to to that with my cousin. We'd agree I'd come over and then when I'd get there sometimes my aunt would answer the door and say "Cousin doesn't feel like playing right now" in this condescending voice. It was very rude and her DD was always allowed to be as rude as she wanted (and when I say "allowed" I don't mean to say she should have been forced to play but it was never even talked about how it might disappoint the other child, etc). She was one of 3 children so it can't just be an only child thing!

Yes- this child has not had a problem in the past with coming over but I have experienced her mother canceling on me for other reasons (forgot, double-booked etc)
Oooohh- that cousin situation would be so hard to handle!!How are things with her now?


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *baltic_ballet* 
I agree - unless my child was suddenly very sick at the last moment, I wouldn't do a last minute cancellation as it's rude to the host.

Yes- I was going to fill up the pool for them. In fact, I had called 2 hrs before they supposed to come to ask her to bring a swimsuit and verify plans were on. I'm glad I didn't prepare anything in the end.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I have to think, in the case of the OP, I wouldn't make my child go to a playdate she didn't want to go to, even if she decided at the last minute, but I wouldn't keep scheduling playdates either. If she can't handle making plans like that, I wouldn't make plans. But to force a child go when he/she doesn't want to go is to bring misery and snottiness to a "playdate", and that's no good either.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I have to think, in the case of the OP, I wouldn't make my child go to a playdate she didn't want to go to, even if she decided at the last minute, but I wouldn't keep scheduling playdates either. If she can't handle making plans like that, I wouldn't make plans. But to force a child go when he/she doesn't want to go is to bring misery and snottiness to a "playdate", and that's no good either.

Yes- it was likely the best decision for all but I will be treading carefully with them in the future. It really is annoying me more than my dd, likely because of the history I have with this person.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

A 5 year old? Sure. Likely mine would do it if she was coming down with something.

Sounds more like the mom has a flakiness problem than that the kid is being obnoxious.

I'm not raising an adult. I'm raising kids. They've had playdates cancelled at the last minute because their friend was having a rotten day.

They'll have dates cancelled in high school because their date has gotten in Dutch with his or her parents.

Stuff happens. You pick up your puff pastry and move on.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
A 5 year old? Sure. Likely mine would do it if she was coming down with something.

Sounds more like the mom has a flakiness problem than that the kid is being obnoxious.

I'm not raising an adult. I'm raising kids. They've had playdates cancelled at the last minute because their friend was having a rotten day.

They'll have dates cancelled in high school because their date has gotten in Dutch with his or her parents.

Stuff happens. You pick up your puff pastry and move on.

I also think disappointment is a good thing for my kids to experience and I would not have been this annoyed with any other person I know. It was REALLY good puff pastry. I'll focus on that


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

We had a similar situation yesterday - and I thought it was rude. We had invited friends over (a mom and her 2 daughters - one who is a good friend of my sons and one who is a baby). She called maybe a half an hour before and said something about the naps, etc and how she couldn't mess up their napping schedule (which she had already done by going somewhere at the time she did), blah, blah, blah. It felt like an excuse (I know them pretty well and know their basic schedule), and when I told DS, he was really disappointed. He had been really looking forward to sending the afternoon with a friend, and had planned out activities that he was excited to do with his friend. By making plans with them, it we had not made plans to do something else. Then, in the end, they ended up coming over because her girls didn't fall asleep anyways! It all just felt very much focused on them, and that there was no consideration for others. It has happened like this with them many times, and even though we like them for many other reasons, I am less and less inclined to make plans with them these days.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
A 5 year old? Sure. Likely mine would do it if she was coming down with something.

Sounds more like the mom has a flakiness problem than that the kid is being obnoxious.

I'm not raising an adult. I'm raising kids. They've had playdates cancelled at the last minute because their friend was having a rotten day.

They'll have dates cancelled in high school because their date has gotten in Dutch with his or her parents.

Stuff happens. You pick up your puff pastry and move on.

I agree to some extent. But it would have been different if the mom said, "Jane is having a rotten day and I just don't think it's a good day to play -- can we reschedule?" But instead she said that her daughter just didn't feel like going anywhere, and asked if they'd come over instead. So it doesn't sound like a "rotten day" situation.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Yeah, but the back story on the mom double booking and forgetting....I wouldn't blame it on the 5 year old.

I would start cultivating other friendships, though.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Hmmm... depends on the kid and the age I guess. Couple years ago DD would do that bc she'd freak out last minute but do great once we were there, for classes, playdates, pretty much anything. And she'd then ask 2 hours later if we could still go/I could turn back the clock. So I didn't let her do that. Now I might. In a few years, once she's better at distinguishing things she wants to but is shy about versus those she actually wants to skip, sure. I would NEVER say 5 minutes in advance "gee, we don't want to go out, how about you come here?" That's a 4 hours notice kinda thing IMO.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
Yeah, but the back story on the mom double booking and forgetting....I wouldn't blame it on the 5 year old.

I would start cultivating other friendships, though.

No, I don't think anyone would blame the 5 year old. I agree that the problem lies with the mother and her flaky tendencies.


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## StoriesInTheSoil (May 8, 2008)

I had to cancel a playdate for my 13 month old last week with only about 45 minutes notice because he wouldn't take a nap and was acting totally nuts. I thought it would be torturing him AND the host to take him over there.

I guess I see playdates as something that should be beneficial to the children and if it will be obviously miserable or detrimental, I am okay with canceling.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinyactsofcharity* 
I had to cancel a playdate for my 13 month old last week with only about 45 minutes notice because he wouldn't take a nap and was acting totally nuts. I thought it would be torturing him AND the host to take him over there.

I guess I see playdates as something that should be beneficial to the children and if it will be obviously miserable or detrimental, I am okay with canceling.

I would totally understand a toddler needing a nap or having a breakdown. I don't understand a typical 5 yr old "just not feeling like it". The back story with this friend makes a difference though, as she has cancelled often in the past for other reasons.


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## laila2 (Jul 21, 2007)

cancel a playdate the night before (maybe it was two nights before I can not remember). After making the playdate without consulting my daughter then 5, she acted very emotional. She said she did not want to go. Upon aksing why, she told me the other girl would call her names.

When I cancelled, I had to leave a message that my daughter did not want to because 'something happened at school' and to please call if she wanted to further discuss. When the mom called back she spoke a bit rudely to my spouse who did not know the entire story.

I will not force my kids to go on a playdate they did not want to based on my childhood experience. Parents do not always know the entire story or the true reasons. But I was often forced to go to not so great places.


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

Nothing new to add about the playdate situation, just wanted to say super about your puff pastry! That's awesome! I have always balked at making my own. I'm sure it was incredible! Maybe I'll wait until we have a cancelled playdate.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laila2* 
cancel a playdate the night before (maybe it was two nights before I can not remember). After making the playdate without consulting my daughter then 5, she acted very emotional. She said she did not want to go. Upon aksing why, she told me the other girl would call her names.

When I cancelled, I had to leave a message that my daughter did not want to because 'something happened at school' and to please call if she wanted to further discuss. When the mom called back she spoke a bit rudely to my spouse who did not know the entire story.

I will not force my kids to go on a playdate they did not want to based on my childhood experience. Parents do not always know the entire story or the true reasons. But I was often forced to go to not so great places.

Your right- the whole story may not be known sometimes. In your case I likely would have cancelled 5 mins before if I didn't find out until last minute about the name-calling. Or I would have tried to come up with a solution where everyone could be happy but I tend to be a peace-maker when sometimes it would be best not to try! The issue to me is when the date was cancelled especially coupled with the (to me) flaky reason.


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

No, absolutely not, not because "they didn't feel like it." Flakiness is, IMO, pervasive in the SAHM world, and my very least favorite thing about it. It's so self absorbed. Sickness, etc, sure. But if you make plans with someone, you are taking their time, and you have to be respectful of other people's time. If they were being pills about it, I'd work with them closely at the playdate- no sulking just because we are not flakey people and we honor commitments.


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I have to think, in the case of the OP, I wouldn't make my child go to a playdate she didn't want to go to, even if she decided at the last minute, but I wouldn't keep scheduling playdates either. If she can't handle making plans like that, I wouldn't make plans. But to force a child go when he/she doesn't want to go is to bring misery and snottiness to a "playdate", and that's no good either.









:


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mumkimum* 
Nothing new to add about the playdate situation, just wanted to say super about your puff pastry! That's awesome! I have always balked at making my own. I'm sure it was incredible! Maybe I'll wait until we have a cancelled playdate.









Thanks- I was hoping someone would comment







It was my first time and the butter leaked out of the pastry dough while I was rolling it so I thought it wouldn't work but it was quite fluffy and good enough for us. I used this tutorial on youtube


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