# My son's service



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

: My son born and died on September 26th. His lungs could not process the carbom dioxide out of his system. He had lots of internal defects as well but the reason he died was due to the lung issue. I've got other thread and such with info on it. Primarily the "Checking on Ambrose" thread if anyone really wants to back track.

Anyhow, we had DS cremated. But dear gods what a nightmare that was. Paperwork got delayed and lost and they had to send the release forms to us because they misplaced our release forms while we were AT the hospital. (We had about 3 different social workers in the 10 hours we were at the childrens hospital so I think they just didn't know which one had the paperwork) So for TWO WEEKS my son sat in the freezer in the morgue at the hospital.







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FINALLY we recieve a call that he's been cremated and is ready to be picked up after two weeks of me crying and wishing that I could hold him so he wasn't so cold. We go to pick him up. Instead pick out an urn to be engraved (without being smart and checking the price before hand) so we charge it to the credit card after realizing it (and after it was already engraved--- but gods it's beautiful!!!). We had to go back the day after we picked out the urn to pick him up because they were going to seal it for us with him inside.

So we get home. And then comes the calls "When's the service?" "Are you going to have one?"










DH went to a funeral home and spoke with them and decided upon Oct 26th @ 3PM. The meaning behind it: Lasius would have been one month old and he was born at 2:56PM.







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Well we've sent the announcements and invited those we feel it's appropriate to attend.

I'm such a nervous wreck. We are of no defined religion. We asked our doula to officiate the service for us. She accepted... after saying it would be difficult to not mention God, but that she would respect the wish of not mentioning him. I can't find perennial flower seeds ANYWHERE (we're going to give some to the attenders and ask them to plant them in the spring and send photos). I still have to decide what we'll be placing on his memorial table. For a child who was only with us for 6 hours and 51 minutes.... he sure has a lot of stuff!!
















I need to write out a letter to Lasius. And I have no idea how to formulate my emotions enough to actually get them across.

I'm scared no one will show up to his service.

Everyone in the family got the announcements (even the relatives in FL and NJ which is amazing since we sent them Friday and they recieved them Monday).

But my mom never emailed or called to even acknowledge it....







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Granted my mom and I are estranged and I havent spoken with her for over a year. But she still tried to send presents for DD. And she sent me scrapbooking stuff 2 months ago (nothing I could really use, it was extra stuff she found when decluttering apparently). So one would think she'd at the very least email and say "so sorry to hear about this event." I even included a whole typed up narrative of what happened that day. It was hard for me to send that. It was giving my mom more of a glimpse into my life than I have ever wanted her to have.

I bawled the other night after our doula left. I just broke down. The stress of planning out my own SON'S memorial service. It just made me so angry. I screamed at DH WHILE the doula was here (gods was that embarrassing). I cried and cried. DH brought Lasius down off of his shelf... (gods, that sounds so awful.... my son was taken off a shelf... like he's some doll.) I held him, cradled him and sobbed for a good 1/2 hour at least. I kept kissing his urn. Like it would somehow make things better.

I'm dreading his service.......


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## pumpkinsmama (Aug 20, 2005)

Just







s ... don't be embarrassed about being emotional, NO ONE in their right mind would be judgemental on anything you do right now... just let it out.

I hope you find some peace.


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I am so, so sorry about your loss. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.


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## BinahYeteirah (Oct 15, 2002)

His slide show made me cry.





















He was very beautiful.


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## mama-a-llama (Feb 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkinsmama* 







Just







s ... don't be embarrassed about being emotional, NO ONE in their right mind would be judgemental on anything you do right now... just let it out.

I hope you find some peace.









She said what I wanted to say. I am so sorry you have to be doing what you are.


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## sofiabugmom (Sep 23, 2003)

I couldn't read this and not reply.

I just watched your photo gallery from the link in your sig. Incredibly touching, and a wonderful tribute for your family.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ambrose* 
I'm scared no one will show up to his service

I know I'm a complete stranger, but if I were in MN, I'd attend to honor Lasius with you.

I hope you find peace and comfort in these hard days.


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

(((Hugs, Ambrose)))


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## aileen (Jan 23, 2006)

maybe you could play that beautiful slide show at his service. it is so powerful and such a celebration. i am sobbing.
i am so sorry, mama.
thank you for sharing that.
his memory is bigger and my heart stronger for seeing it. he is so so beautiful. i'll be thinking of you tomorrow.


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)




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## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

I agree tht showing the slideshow would be a beautiful tribute.

I'm so sorry mama.


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

thinking of you today...


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## Girly (Sep 27, 2006)

Oh you poor thing. I too am thinking of you today, and my thoughts will be with your family tomorrow at 3:00 PM.

What a beautiful little guy he is.

Take care of yourself.


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## charmedbeing (May 21, 2005)

What beautiful pictures. I'm sorry for your loss.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Thinking of you today and tommorow.







I am so very sorry. The slideshow was beautiful, it told such a moving story of your son and his life.








Lasius


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

He's so beautiful....







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## mamamavis (Oct 21, 2006)

What a beautiful boy. I am moved to tears.
Blessed be. We will be thinking of you tomorrow, with hugs from Duluth.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

He is so beautiful.
I'm very very sad for you and your family.
Sending you strength for tomorrow, you'll be in my heart.
I'm so sorry.
Beate


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## *GreenMama* (Jan 5, 2006)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your slideshow was so moving. Its a beautiful tribute.


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## judejude (Jul 15, 2005)

I can't imagine what you are going through Ambrose. Las is very lucky to have had you as his parents...I only wish it had been for a longer time.

My thoughts are with you.


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## sarah73 (Jul 10, 2005)

thinking of you and your beautiful little boy..


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## mama in the forest (Apr 17, 2006)

I cried too during your slideshow. I'm so sorry. I will be there in spirit............


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## beckyphry (Sep 26, 2006)

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart is just breaking. The slideshow is beautiful and made me cry.







I hope everything's going as well as can be expected today, sweetie.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I'm so sorry and I'll be thinking of you and your family.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Well, Thursday went better than I thought. We had 21 people show up (including the children) They played Bach "Air" during visitation. Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" and a few other instrumental pieces. We had it video taped. I read a letter I wrote to him, and a poem I found online and DH talked about his effect on the family, life, and himself. Our doula spoke a few words and our friend from MDC read a poem at my request.

DD would not for the life of her put her rose on the table in front of his urn. She shook it and stomped her feet and shook her head and said no (so cutely too btw) when we asked her to give it to her brother. So she ended up going to play downstairs with some of the other kids.

Here, I'll post the letter I wrote to him...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear son,
When I found out I was pregnant with you. I was shocked and excited. I had just had a miscarriage and so I was also quite worried about whether or not you would be my "sticky baby". Your daddy and I requested an ultrasound when you were 8 weeks old to make sure you were still there with us. You were. At 12 weeks I felt you were safer now, that we had passed the difficult time. I knew anything could happen still and that it wasn't a guarantee you would "make it"&#8230; but I tried to think positively.
At the routine 20 week ultrasound I was debating on whether or not to even have it. I was leaning more towards no, but my curiosity got the better of me and we found out you would be our little boy Lasius. When we left I made the passing comment to your daddy that it had been an unusually long ultrasound. He agreed that 45 minutes was unusual but he also commented on how frisky you were that day. You looked like you were training for something like the Olympics or a triathlon. He said they probably had a hard time getting measurements because you just would NOT sit still.
The next day we got a phone call from the doctor. They said the ultrasound couldn't pick up your cerebellum. And that we needed a higher level 2 ultrasound. I was stunned, confused, my heart ached. I had let myself think positively that everything would be okay now that we had passed the difficult time. I cried in your daddy's arms for what felt like days. From that point on everything seemed a constant ache and stab to my heart. Ultrasound after ultrasound. An MRI, amnio's&#8230;it was too much for me. It was too much for you.
You were so active. Always letting me know you were with me. Always letting me know you love me. Even after everything the doctors told us. I still had hope you would be okay and that everything was wrong. All the doctors would be wrong. I was convinced.
But one day, on my parenting forum, I asked an online friend to give me a tarot reading. I can't give myself a tarot reading accurately, not to mention I have been so out of touch with my deck (and the fact that it's been in the garage for almost a year) I didn't feel comfortable using my own. My friend was more than happy to. Instead of a question to ask, which is usually typical when doing readings, I asked her if she could just do a general *feel* reading. To give me an idea of what to expect over the last month I was pregnant with you and for awhile afterwards. When she emailed me the results, I knew then that I could no longer pretend deep down that it would "be okay". In tarot, death cards rarely actually mean Death. It most often just means an end to something. The end of my pregnancy could certainly be interpreted from the reading. But deep in my soul, and I think your soul told me too, I knew you wouldn't make it.
There were many nights I cried with your daddy. There were many times I fell to the floor in agony letting out unintelligible sounds from the very depths of my soul. Those sounds of a primal creature crying out to the gods in confusion, pain, sorrow, and anger. There were nights I would cry myself to sleep with your frog sweater wrapped around my hands and cuddled close to my heart. Deep in my soul and from what I knew you were trying to convey to your daddy and me&#8230; well, it didn't change the fact that I wanted it all to go away. I wanted to be able to hold you, cuddle you, birth you at home, and feel safe with you in my arms.
And then, you came.
With that last push I was supposed to give, but rather I let you and my body do it without any conscious effort on my part, I watched in the mirror. Anxious. Seeing your dark purple body made me scream out asking why you couldn't breathe. My heart stopped. Time stopped. I was numb. In my head I briefly saw those tarot cards float across my vision. Your bone necklace that I had left at home also floated across my vision. The NICU doctor was talking to me, telling me preliminary information about your health. Telling me what tests they were going to be doing. I was responding. But I had no clue what she was telling me. My mind was elsewhere. My mind was with you.
When I was resting in my room, waiting to hear when I could come and see you. I drifted off for about 20 minutes. And in those 20 minutes my soul went crazy. I knew I had to have been dreaming, but I saw nothing except blackness. My soul screamed at the gods "how could they do this to me?" and screamed at Karma "What did I do so bad that deserves my son to die?" and "What did my son do to have to endure this?" And I begged the goddess to let me keep you and to take away your pain.
In a different way than I wanted, I got what I begged for.
I have you here to keep, and you no longer have any pain.

But for those moments you were here, in my womb, you were so lively and cute, and I always knew you felt loved. Your sister gave you many kisses while you were inside of me. She knew you were in there and always made a point to let us know that. For those moments you were here, outside of my womb, you were quiet, you slept a lot. But I cherished those moments you opened your eyes, kicked your legs, and held our hands. Your eyes told me everything. That you love me. That you knew you wouldn't be here on this plane long. That everything would be okay. Holding you, I felt your warmth. I felt your love. You were so warm.

You've changed me. In ways that I can never express clearly in words. So I choose not to express them. I only hope that in my heart I can express it enough to let you know.

I never believed much in terms of faith or religion. So when they told me that your heart had stopped beating, a part of me got panicky and I wanted to know what happened to you. But moments later I felt you again. I felt you in the room. I felt you in my heart. In my soul.

Our first night home without you was so hard. So many whispers made to you. So many silent tears. The phone calls were constant. Every morning for over a week we woke up to someone calling who wanted to know the whole "story" of your life. It hurt so much to go to sleep crying and to wake up and repeat everything I had said to the callers the day before. It felt like we were trapped in a déjà vu time warp. Living the first morning without you over and over again.

You've come home to us at last. In a gorgeous black marble home. With your name and birthday forever engraved on it. I feel better now that you are home. I no longer worry about whether you are cold or lonely. When I become overwhelmingly sad I can hold you, cradle you, rock you, and sing to you.

My arms ache to hold you in the flesh though. Your tiny little fingers. Your precious little toes. Your soft as silk lips, and your hair as smooth and soft as a light spring breeze. I trace my fingers across those pale white marks. You left me with stretch marks. I always thought I would hate stretch marks. But as I run my fingers across those pale lines I wish you had left more, to remember those days you spent inside of my womb. I smile and cry when I see them. I'll tout them with pride. In summers I'll show them off, just so I can tell the world about you. The world deserves to know about you.

I love you Lasius. You are in the trees, and in the flowers. I hear you in the wind and in rushing waters. The autumn golden leaves shine with your beauty. And have just as short of a stay. And in the spring when I plant my flowers. I plant them for you. Because you are the flowers. You are the grass, you are the rain and snow, the clouds, the lightning, the thunder late at night. You are everything the gods and Goddess gave us. And while you are home at last I know that I can always find you in my heart, soul and every place I go, and in everything that I see.

I love you for always,
Mommy


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## gadivapeach72 (Dec 27, 2005)




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## ~MoonGypsy~ (Aug 21, 2006)




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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Wow, that was so moving. I'm just speechless...


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## beckyphry (Sep 26, 2006)

What a beautiful letter.


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## mom2mimi (May 26, 2004)

What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful boy. Thank you for sharing it.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Is halloween supposed to be a hard holiday? Its not like Christmas or Thanksgiving... or birthdays.

On halloween we lit 24 candles on our porch for the spirits and for Lasius. DH and I chickened out on taking DD trick or treating. (17 degree weather with strong winds is just too insane IMO for a 2 year old dragon)

Instead we sat at home and watched all the other trick or treaters run off with their friends to the neighborhood behind us and watch them return as well. Heard them pounding up the stairway well after DD was in bed. While I stood in the entryway of our apartment door ready to go thell them to hush if DD made even a whimper.

And then when all settled down and there was no noise. Nothing to do, and I was left with an empty brain. ... I said to DH: "He was supposed to be my little duckie." And I cried. I didn't think I would cry.

But we have started a new tradition, lighting those candles. I was never religious. But since Las, I'm more in touch with my pagan self. And I wanted to honor the spirits and guide them that night. And I wanted to show the world that not only were those candles for the spirits, they were Las' candles. They were the ones at his service that burned while I read his letter and when his daddy got up and spoke such moving words about him.








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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Ambrose, Halloween was hard for me too. It is so hard to look at those baby costumes and think about "what if". I like you idea of lighting candles. I hope things are better for you soon.


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## judejude (Jul 15, 2005)

Our thoughts are with you always.


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

Still thinking of you and your family


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## mamaverdi (Apr 5, 2005)




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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Your son was beautiful. I just watched the slide show and cried. You are so brave and wonderful for honoring your son's life in this way. Please know that in his short life your son has touched many people's hearts. I know I will never take for granted what I have again and I thank Lasius for that.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
Your son was beautiful. I just watched the slide show and cried. You are so brave and wonderful for honoring your son's life in this way. Please know that in his short life your son has touched many people's hearts. I know I will never take for granted what I have again and I thank Lasius for that.









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DH and I want the whole world to know him and we wanted him to make an impact on someone. It's nice to know he's made such an impact to this community here ay MDC.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

That was incredibly moving, Ambrose.







s I have a letter that my mom wrote to Reagan and my brother read at her service. It is one of the most special things I have. I know you will hold your letter incredibly close to your heart as well. It's the little things that help, yk?

Much love and peace to you, Ambrose.







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Lasius


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

thank you for sharing the beautiful letter.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

What a beautiful, beautiful boy. I am so sorry for your loss, Ambrose.


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## doula mary (Aug 28, 2002)

WOW!

Thank you for sharing your beautiful baby boy with us. I'm very impressed with your strength and dignity.

Also, who ever took those photo's gave you a precious gift..incredible!

Your letter to him was lovely, again you and your husband inspire. Your son is proud of you and your ability to honor his life.

Take care,

May your heart heal!
Mary


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Thank you for sharing the letter and your family with us ...










Sending you strength energy and healing energy and just so much light ...


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)




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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your son with us through the photos and the letter.














You've reminded me not to take my precious babies for granted. I needed that today.


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## um_hanna (Nov 3, 2004)

My heart and thoughts go to you and your family at this time. i saw the beautiful photo album of you and your son, they were so sweet i cant imagine what your going through, but have you ingraved in my heart forever. please know you will be strong, and your daugter looks so sweet. im not sure what to say, just know i wish you the best and your not alone


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## sahmof2girls (Feb 9, 2005)

I just read through this whole thread, and I have been deeply touched in the way you are going with this. Your son is amazing!!! The letter was perfectly put from a mamma to her son. I will keep you in my thoughts.







Fly free Lasius


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## TigerTail (Dec 22, 2002)

I'm crying so hard watching your beautiful slideshow. Thank you for sharing him with us.


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