# Teen Sex and Protection



## Aquitane (Aug 26, 2008)

So, our 17 year old DS is having sex with his 17 year old girlfriend. DH and I knew this would happen eventually. We have had many conversations with DS about this and about protection.

DS's girlfriend's mom found a used condom at their home. GF's mom called me and is upset/appalled/etc. Although I would love it if my DS did not have sex until he was older and more responsible, I'm also a realist. 

First, I'm glad that protection was used. However, I'd like even more protection used because I really am not ready to be a grandma. During the discussion with the GF's mom, I brought up the subject of her daughter being put on birth control. The mom says that they don't want to do that because that would be like giving the daughter permission to have sex. 

I haven't been on Mothering in a very long time, but I'm not sure how to respond to that so I would love some advice. I really like DS's girlfriend. She's smart and kind and a good person. I know that some kids have sex as teens. I just want as much protection as possible so that there is not a baby. 

Any suggestions?


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I don't think there is anything for you to say. This is a decision that the girl herself hopefully in consult with her parents will make. It's not really up to you. As long as a female has a uterus and ovaries there is a chance of pregnancy when you have sex. No birth control is 100%. Hopefully they both know that. 

On a related note, my mom came to me after my stepdad found condoms in the trash in the garage and accused me of having sex. I wasn't. They didn't believe me. Then later they got a call from the mom of my little sisters friend. My sister was maybe 6 or 7 at the time. Apparently she and the little boy she was friends with stole condoms from his parents bedroom and blew them up like balloons and tossed them in our trash. Did I get an apology? No. Although my mom did come and tell me they found out where they came from.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I agree, there is really nothing you can say. That phone conversation must have been awful, and unfortunately it seems likely that your son's girlfriend's mom heard your suggestion as "kids are gonna do that. Better get your daughter on the pill!" 

Thete are teo things I'd recommend discussing with your son. One is contraception (again). The other is the importance of respecting your partner's family values, by, say, making sure to not do things they disapprove of in their space (just for a very basic example).


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

I agree there's nothing more to be said to the parents.

Me, I would tell my son that although his gf's parents really want their daughter to stay safe and not get pregnant, they don't feel they can encourage her to go on the pill because to them that would feel like they were condoning her being sexually active. So therefore it's up to her to seek out that protection herself, and you would be thrilled if he encouraged her to do so. And I'd give him written info about clinics that provide contraceptive care in your area that he can pass along to her. 

Miranda


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## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

Contraceptives are a personal and sensitive topic. For some people, it's not as easy as "just go on the pill and it will okay." This is a decision needs to be made by the gf and she needs to consult with her parents. She can't just go to the drug store and buy birth control like you can with condoms. She needs to consult with a Dr. to find out what types of contraceptives are right for her. None are 100% pregger proof and do carry health and safety risks. I know I can't take any contraceptives myself and I would be offended if someone suggested to do so. It sounds like her parents have found out and they will deal with it according to their values. I don't think it would be appropriate to infringe your views towards them. If her parents don't want her to have sex and your son wants to be with her, then this would be a good opportunity to discuss boundaries and respect towards girls. 
I don't want to come off as insensitive towards your situation. I realize your a realist. I'm sorry if I come off brash, but I've heard horror stories from girls I used to go to school with who have felt pressured or forced to go all the way with their bf because his mom thought "that's what boys do. Deal with it and just do it to make him happy." sort of mentality. I'm not suggesting that this is what you think. I'm just reminded of those types of situations. 
Anyways, I find that teens who take their relationships slow last because they learn to respect each others needs and develop trust and understanding. Those that rush to sex tend to have a harder time wanting to spend time with each other outside the bedroom, or doing other things than having sex. I started when I was 16 and that's pretty much all we did with each other a good 70% of the time. Eventually I got preggo at 17. 
It's not just pregnancy they have to worry about. They are also at risk of STD's even with condom. The gf will have to start going to the gyno and when the gyno finds out she is sexually active they will start testing her for everything regardless of how few boys she's slept with. And that's the thing, with teens sneaking around having sex there is no telling how long or how many people they have slept with. I'm sure most teens don't have sex with many people. Or at least as many as the ones that were on Maury and Ricki Lake. But their health is still at risk, nonetheless. 
I'm sure though, you have discussed all this with your son. But just a heads up to anyone else reading this.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I feel like the suggestions here all involve a lot of pressure applied to the girlfriendto seek out contraception. Her parents should get her on the pill, her boyfriend should encourage her to seek contraception. 

Has anyone asked this young woman what she wants? How does she feel about risks of pregnancy? How does she feel about contraception? How does she feel about parenting? How does she feel about going to the local clinic to get her own contraception? 

As a teen, I would have found it immensely stressful to hide bcp from my parents, and the logistics of keeping the secret would have meant I didn't take them every day. Other methods raise other problems.

I think this is a case where we have to be aware that we don't control our partners or their circumstances. Teen boys need to be told - clearly, and bluntly - that pregnancy is a risk of sex. You can and should use condoms if you or your partner doesn't want kids. But in the event that the birth control fails, it is hard to predict in advance how the involved people will feel about that, and the people who actually are pregnant are the people who make decisions about pregnancy. That can mean you cry over an abortion, or that you have a lifetime of obligations you never expected. Choose partners who share your values, support them as they face the challenges of their lives, and keep in mind that sex is a risk.

And there, keep in mind that it's their risk to take. Your feelings about becoming a grandparent aren't appropriate concerns to bring up with teens.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Well they are 17, so I wouldn't say that a parents concerns about their child becoming a teen parent isn't an appropriate concern at all. Of course it's an appropriate concern. Nobody _wants_ their kids to become pregnant until they are adults capable of taking on the responsibility. I did stress with my daughter ( who is 25 now) the fact that sex comes with the risk of pregnancy always. And birth control is not a guarantee. Of course I also don't think that unintended pregnancy is the end of the world either. But it sure is a life changing event.


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## happydaze (May 13, 2015)

There are health risks involved with almost all birth control options for females. While it would absolutely be smart of the girl to have her own protections in place, putting the pressure on the girl and the girl's parent to make that choice is more complicated than buying a box of condoms. Both parties now know their children are sexually active and so it's up to the individual families to have those conversations with their own children.

What you can do is stress the importance of two forms of birth control being used at all times with your son and the reasons why. It may be difficult to sway him now but hopefully it'll slow them down a little, open up conversations with this and future girlfriends.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

happydaze said:


> Both parties now know their children are sexually active and so it's up to the individual families to have those conversations with their own children.


I agree that it is inappropriate for the boyfriend's parent to directly over-ride her own parents' wishes, and that pressuring a teen into any form of contraception is wrong. But teen girls can face plenty of barriers, logistical or otherwise, in accessing the contraceptive care _they want_. If her parents are one of those barriers, and are unwilling to help her overcome other barriers, she, as an independent sexually active human being who is capable of and entitled to make her own choices, may need facilitation from elsewhere. Schools and community outreach clinics try to fulfill this role, but often a nudge from a boyfriend (and an offer to attend with her) is a lot more effective at opening the door.

I admit I'm very much of the harm-reduction persuasion. If people are choosing to engage in risky activity despite advice and pressure to the contrary, then I think that the people who care about them should do what is sensible and available to keep them safe. Refusing to take those steps because you believe you're taking the moral high ground is (I think) more about preserving your own feelings of righteousness than about what is best for the affected person.

Sexually active teens need to be empowered with information and access to make the choice that is best for them. If her parents are creating barriers, you can bet if this was my son's gf I would be working behind the scenes to smooth the way for her.

Miranda


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Get her a copy of 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility'


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## Aquitane (Aug 26, 2008)

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I think everyone gave very valid suggestions. I'm torn between doing nothing and taking her to Planned Parenthood. 

The weird thing about the whole situation is that when GF's mother talked with me, she told me about her own teen pregnancy and how hard it was to handle, etc. So I guess I'm just stumped as to why she wouldn't want to try to protect her daughter from that in all ways possible.

We have already had another discussion with DS. Talked to him about being respectful of her family's wishes, slowing down, being extra careful. DS is a sensitive kid. I think he truly cares about this young lady. Our family has gotten to know her and she's an awesome girl. I feel very protective towards her.

Again, thank you for all of your thoughtful ideas.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

contactmaya said:


> Get her a copy of 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility'


That is a great idea, I bought a copy for my daughter when she was a teen.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Aquitane said:


> Thanks so much for all of the replies. I think everyone gave very valid suggestions. I'm torn between doing nothing and taking her to Planned Parenthood.


I think its highly inappropriate for YOU to take her to planned parenthood. It's one thing to make sure she is aware of her options, it is completely different to push a specific option.

I think that your focus should be on your son. I think that your focus should be on teaching him how little control he has over most forms of birth control and the importance of him being 100% responsible for his own behavior. I think that The Pill can give men a false sense of security, when the truth is, they don't have any idea if the woman they are with is taking her pills correctly or forgetting them half the time or couldn't figure out how to get a refill so just stopped taking them or what. If I had a son, I would encourage to always behave as if he were 100% responsible for birth control (regardless of what his partner says) until he is ready for the responsibility of fatherhood, because if a pregnancy results, he will NOT get a say in what happens next. I absolutely wouldn't give my son the message that the solution is for his partner to go on the pill.


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## salr (Apr 14, 2008)

Jumping on board to agree that hormonal birth control for women comes with side effects and risks. Only the gal in question can judge that for herself. Dealing with side effects like nausea, depression, anxiety, etc could be very difficult for a teen, especially one who couldn't share concerns with her parents. 

So, while it might be a valid choice, and one she even wants, it's not up to anyone to pressure her or pretend like it's easy, or normal to get on the pill or whatever with no other changes. Plenty of teens find it worth it and the best choice. Though at this point in my life I would be much more likely to encourage anyone to look into non-hormonal options to go along with condoms. Spermicide, sponge? 

Fyi, I'm not anti hormonal birth control. I just feel like it's common to be almost flippant about "putting girls on the pill."


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## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

salr said:


> Jumping on board to agree that hormonal birth control for women comes with side effects and risks. Only the gal in question can judge that for herself. Dealing with side effects like nausea, depression, anxiety, etc could be very difficult for a teen, especially one who couldn't share concerns with her parents.
> 
> So, while it might be a valid choice, and one she even wants, it's not up to anyone to pressure her or pretend like it's easy, or normal to get on the pill or whatever with no other changes. Plenty of teens find it worth it and the best choice. Though at this point in my life I would be much more likely to encourage anyone to look into non-hormonal options to go along with condoms. Spermicide, sponge?
> 
> Fyi, I'm not anti hormonal birth control. I just feel like it's common to be almost flippant about "putting girls on the pill."


Yeah, People think it's nothing to go on the pill. But teen girls are developing and any disruption in that normal development process can have long term effects on their bodies. The pill can, also, lead to blood clots, nasty cysts in their ovaries, etc. Although it can have it's perks, such as reduced zits and no period. She would still need to take regular pregnancy tests as you can get pregnant without a period.

I'm sure with all the attention these 2 love birds have gotten from their families over their sexual activities, they're probably going to cool it off for a bit from humiliation.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

contactmaya said:


> Get her a copy of 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility'


I work with teens in a sexual health care setting. While TCOYF is a fine book packed with good information, I have way better luck getting teens today to download and use the Kindara app. It's free, easy to hide, and assists users directly with the tracking and collating of data and info.

Miranda


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

moominmamma said:


> I work with teens in a sexual health care setting. While TCOYF is a fine book packed with good information, I have way better luck getting teens today to download and use the Kindara app. It's free, easy to hide, and assists users directly with the tracking and collating of data and info.
> 
> Miranda


Thanks for this info.

As a mother of two sons, i would encourage you to give YOUR SON a copy of TCOYF. To my mind, it constitutes basic sex education for men and women alike....You dont have to be actively tracking your cycle to have an appreciation of what its all about.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

> She can't just go to the drug store and buy birth control like you can with condoms.


Actually, there are several forms of spermicide available in most drugstores, which increase the effectiveness of condoms and do not have any hormonal side effects. That's what I used when I was a teenager--I bought that, my boyfriend bought the condoms, and we used both every time.

I think that educating your son about how the fertility cycle works, and about the many types of contraceptives available, is the best approach. Do not take his girlfriend to Planned Parenthood yourself, now that you know her parents are opposed.

Thanks for taking such a reasonable approach to your son's sexual activity. A lot of my friends when I was a teenager were extremely responsible and careful yet were treated like idiots and/or sinners when parents found out about sexual activity; it made us miserable without making us any safer!


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

EnviroBecca said:


> Actually, there are several forms of spermicide available in most drugstores, which increase the effectiveness of condoms and do not have any hormonal side effects.


Dawn's mom is in Canada, and there are currently no Health Canada approved spermicides available for sale in Canada. There were a number of factors involved in removing nonoxynol-9 from the market here, but some of them were the frequency of chemical irritation and burns, allergic reactions, increased likelihood of UTIs and yeast infection, and, most worrisome of all, some evidence of increased transmission rates of HIV. While it looks like a bit of innocuous foam like shaving cream, it has significant health risks. It doesn't have any risk of hormonal side effects, that's true, but there are plenty of other possible side effects and risks.

Miranda


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## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

moominmamma said:


> Dawn's mom is in Canada, and there are currently no Health Canada approved spermicides available for sale in Canada. There were a number of factors involved in removing nonoxynol-9 from the market here, but some of them were the frequency of chemical irritation and burns, allergic reactions, increased likelihood of UTIs and yeast infection, and, most worrisome of all, some evidence of increased transmission rates of HIV. While it looks like a bit of innocuous foam like shaving cream, it has significant health risks. It doesn't have any risk of hormonal side effects, that's true, but there are plenty of other possible side effects and risks.
> 
> Miranda


There are spericidal condoms available. Again, like what you said, they can burn and cause irritation, especially if your skin is sensitive or you have ichthyosis and prone to eczema.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Wow, I had no idea! I knew that some people get burning sensations from spermicide, but I didn't realize it was such a widespread problem that any country had stopped allowing it to be sold. Yikes.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

Dawn's mom said:


> There are spericidal condoms available.


Condoms lubricated with spermicide offer no more protection against pregnancy than condoms alone. For additional protection the spermicide must be used as a separate application.

Miranda


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

EnviroBecca said:


> Wow, I had no idea! I knew that some people get burning sensations from spermicide, but I didn't realize it was such a widespread problem that any country had stopped allowing it to be sold. Yikes.


I think it was the higher rates of transmission of HIV that were the main cause for its being withdrawn from the market. In a South African study rates of HIV were 50% higher in women using nonoxynol-9 than those using placebo.

Regardless of whether it's legal in your country or not, when you're trying to teach teens about safe sex, recommending something that increases their risk of catching HIV seems pretty counter-intuitive.

Miranda


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## Aquitane (Aug 26, 2008)

Thanks again for the all of the information. I am going to look into Kindara. My son is not a reader, so I'm not sure if a book will help or not. 

We have again had some long discussions with him about this. However, I came from a home where having sex outside of marriage was considered "bad." It was repeated to us often. And then my sister ended up a teenage parent...who wasn't married... I don't want him to have sex, but at least he was using some form of protection. Forbidding him to do this is not going to work. I want to educate him some more and all of your ideas are wonderful.

Please don't worry, I won't be taking GF to planned parenthood. The GF's mom called me again and wanted to know everything I heard from my son, i.e. a play by play of sexual encounters. I don't want to play that game. I told her that we had talked, and that I am committed to helping my son be respectful of their wishes. She has forbidden her daughter from seeing DS for several weeks. We have spoken to DS that if he truly cares for GF, he needs to respect this. (We will also be overseeing him so that he does not see GF right now.) I think forbidding them to see each other is going to make things worse, but I am going to respect the other parents' wishes.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Thanks for the information, Moominmamma. I had not heard about that research finding. I looked it up, and that was a study of prostitutes using nonoxynol-9 about 5 times as often as anyone's supposed to (because they have sex so often) which increases tissue irritation which probably makes them more susceptible to infection, and the findings have not been replicated in other samples. So it seems to me that saying, "Nobody should ever use nonoxynol-9 because it increases the risk of catching HIV," is like saying, "Nobody should ever use ibuprofen because it causes liver damage"--taking the maximum dose of ibuprofen every day for years will indeed damage your liver, but that doesn't mean ibuprofen is so dangerous you can't take it for the occasional headache, right? So I am comfortable continuing to use spermicide myself and mentioning the option to others, but I NEVER believed or told anyone that it was any kind of protection against HIV, and now that I know about this research I'll be sure to mention it as something to consider--just as I never suggest hormonal contraceptives without noting that they have side effects.

Aquitane, something else to mention to your son--if you can think of any way to bring it up delicately--is the possibility of choosing to just touch each other or do other sexual activities with no risk of pregnancy, especially at times when girlfriend may be fertile.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Please take her to planned parenthood. There are other contraceptives besides the pill. (Does anyone use a diaphragm plus condom anymore?) But before you do ask her outright if full intercourse is what she wants. I think a girl who can't confide in her own parents about her sexual activity would be very relieved to have an adult she can talk to about this.

I'm sorry that her parents are trying to enforce a separation. I understand their concerns and appreciate them but this seems like a formula for disaster. The girl is just months away age eighteen and making her own decisions.

(I also agree with the poster who encouraged a discussion about just touching one another as an alternative to intercourse. "Everything else but" was a strategy that worked fairly well for the generations that came before the pill.)


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Claudia Chapman said:


> Please take her to planned parenthood.


I completely and 100% disagree with the advice to take someone else's minor child for health care against their parent's wishes. This is not only against their knowledge, but also against their expressed wishes. The girl is a minor. She won't be for long and soon these decisions will be hers to legally make, but they aren't right now.

Also, helping a teen who is friends with your teen access birth control is a grey area, but helping your son's girl friend access birth control will make it look like you are just making it safe for him to f*ck her. Later, when their relationship ends (as nearly all teen relationships do,) it will even look that way to her. While I agree that it would be nice for young women to have an older woman that they can confide in, the notion that their boyfriend's mother should put herself in that place and force those conversations is highly inappropriate. Serious boundary issues.

Finally, giving your son the message that the answer is for the woman he is with be responsible for birth control isn't doing him any favors. Teach him he is responsible for his own penis and his own semen. He'll be a better man for it.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

Linda on the move said:


> soon these decisions will be hers to legally make, but they aren't right now.


Really? In Canada the age of medical consent is around 12 with a bit of wiggle room on either side depending on circumstances. Can a 16-year-old not legally consent to medical treatment in the US?

Miranda


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

Linda on the move said:


> Finally, giving your son the message that the answer is for the woman he is with be responsible for birth control isn't doing him any favors. Teach him he is responsible for his own penis and his own semen. He'll be a better man for it.


First, I completely agree with you that it is an inappropriate role for the mother-of-boyfriend to take a girl to a contraception clinic.

But I disagree with your last paragraph. He's clearly already taken primary responsibility for contraception to date, since he's using condoms. But I think the message should be that in a healthy relationship both partners collaborate in making decisions about sexuality that take into account each others' preferences, concerns, feelings and so on. If he is concerned about the 7-10% annual risk of becoming a teen parent using condoms alone, that's a concern that he should be sharing with her, and it's an issue they can only solve together... either by seeking out hormonal contraception or a copper-T for her, or by her sharing information about ovulatory cycle tracking, or by agreeing to abstain or whatever choice works for both of them. He'll be a better man for _that_, imo.

Miranda


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## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

Claudia Chapman said:


> Please take her to planned parenthood. There are other contraceptives besides the pill. (Does anyone use a diaphragm plus condom anymore?) But before you do ask her outright if full intercourse is what she wants. I think a girl who can't confide in her own parents about her sexual activity would be very relieved to have an adult she can talk to about this.
> 
> I'm sorry that her parents are trying to enforce a separation. I understand their concerns and appreciate them but this seems like a formula for disaster. The girl is just months away age eighteen and making her own decisions.
> 
> (I also agree with the poster who encouraged a discussion about just touching one another as an alternative to intercourse. "Everything else but" was a strategy that worked fairly well for the generations that came before the pill.)


Planned Parenthood? This is a very judgment organization and they make their money off of abortions. Their goals are not to prevent unplanned pregnancies. They do not condone contraceptives. There are some even darker intentions and practices that women have reported with Planned Parenthood.
Their condescending radio ads make me shudder.

If you're not too squeamish, I found this lady's first hand account article describing her experience in learning what is exactly involved and the cold attitude of Planned Parenthood. http://www.toomanyaborted.com/former-planned-parenthood-board-member-knows-the-truth/


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Dawn's mom said:


> Planned Parenthood? This is a very judgment organization and they make their money off of abortions. Their goals are not to prevent unplanned pregnancies. They do not condone contraceptives. There are some even darker intentions and practices that women have reported with Planned Parenthood.
> Their condescending radio ads make me shudder.
> 
> If you're not too squeamish, I found this lady's first hand account article describing her experience in learning what is exactly involved and the cold attitude of Planned Parenthood. http://www.toomanyaborted.com/former-planned-parenthood-board-member-knows-the-truth/


I was responding to the OP's comment that she was thinking of doing this. If you have an economical alternative to Planned Parenthood please share.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

moominmamma said:


> Really? In Canada the age of medical consent is around 12 with a bit of wiggle room on either side depending on circumstances. Can a 16-year-old not legally consent to medical treatment in the US?
> 
> Miranda


I was thinking of the parent's decision to prevent her from seeing her boyfriend.


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## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

Claudia Chapman said:


> I was responding to the OP's comment that she was thinking of doing this. If you have an economical alternative to Planned Parenthood please share.


I already did.

It's ultimately up to the girlfriend and her parents even moreso. I have a daughter and I would be very concerned and appalled if her boyfriend's parents came to her and told her how to handle her body. My rule in my house is no relationships and absolutely no sex until she is an adult and can make those decisions herself. We chat on a regular basis. We have watched all the Teen Mom episodes and 16 and Pregnant, we discuss with each other and have real open, comfortable conversations on the topic. I was a young ma myself and I know what to look for and I'm instilling better values and modelling those values the best I can. I talk to her about relationships, how sex can complicate a casual relationship and all the risks involved, and why it's better to focus on school, health and family before committing to someone. It is not up to someone else to teach your child these things. It seems there is some assumptions made on this girl in questions parents and it seems to fall on conflicting views in handling teen sex. If they feel these 2 teens are in too serious of a relationship and they need to cool it off, then just let it go. It sounds like the bf's mom is too attached to the gf. I've learned to just be nice and accommodating, but don't expect these relationships to last so don't get too palsy with the gf.

But you don't need to go to some sketchy organization that takes advantage of women in crisis and young teens. Do you really think Planned Parenthood is going to be open to her parents? I'm telling you, hypothetically speaking your son could be well into his 30's and they will still sweep it under the rug like there's nothing wrong. Those people are involved in helping pimps, child trafficking and fetal body part selling. It's a sick organization based on racism and goals of "population control".


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

How effective are parental bans on two teens seeing one another if they're in love and motivated? (Are they in love? Maybe that's a question to ask if you don't already know. It doesn't sound like this is a casual hook-up.) 

The plan to prevent the couple from seeing one another might bring additional risk to an already risky situation. If the couple decide to seek out ways to see one another, they will have to lie and sneak around to do so. This effectively cuts off real communication with parents, at a time when you really don't want that to happen. 

I wonder if there's a way to convey to your son that while you hope he will respect the wishes of his girlfriend's parents, that in YOUR family you value honesty and open communication. To let him know that the door remains open to talk to mom even if the couple decides to defy her parent's wishes? To keep the door of calm, loving communication open no matter what. 

Open communication with teens is a serious issue to me. In my community a young woman had an abortion in secret because she couldn't face telling her disapproving parents she was pregnant. The abortion triggered a major depression and she ended up taking her own life. It's hard not to wonder if this tragedy could have been averted if this beautiful teenager had been able to talk to just one of her friend's moms about her troubles.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

I didn't make my question clear enough. I wanted to know if there's an alternative organization which provides advice on birth control to young people who are old enough to legally consent to sex. (An organization other than Planned Parenthood.)


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Aquitane said:


> Thanks so much for all of the replies. I think everyone gave very valid suggestions. I'm torn between doing nothing and taking her to Planned Parenthood.
> 
> The weird thing about the whole situation is that when GF's mother talked with me, she told me about her own teen pregnancy and how hard it was to handle, etc. So I guess I'm just stumped as to why she wouldn't want to try to protect her daughter from that in all ways possible.
> 
> ...


What a great mom you are. I have the greatest respect for the way you're struggling to deal with a difficult situation.


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## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

Claudia Chapman said:


> I didn't make my question clear enough. I wanted to know if there's an alternative organization which provides advice on birth control to young people who are old enough to legally consent to sex. (An organization other than Planned Parenthood.)


Kids Help Phone (they can provide her with free advice and resources or just listen to any concerns anonymously.)

School Counsellor

Advocates for Youth

http://www.itsyoursexlife.com/

These should all be free


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Dawn's mom said:


> Kids Help Phone (they can provide her with free advice and resources or just listen to any concerns anonymously.)
> 
> School Counsellor
> 
> ...


Are there any organizations, other than PP, which actually provide birth control in addition to the free advice?


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## Dawn's mom (Jul 2, 2015)

Try http://bedsider.org/en/where_to_get_it

Other than that, seek a doc.


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## Aquitane (Aug 26, 2008)

Claudia Chapman said:


> What a great mom you are. I have the greatest respect for the way you're struggling to deal with a difficult situation.


Thank you so much for this. You have no idea how much I needed that today.

I thought that I had said in a previous reply that I will NOT be taking GF to Planned Parenthood. I just feel very sorry for her. Talking to her own mom about sex is not happening because the mom does not want her daughter to engage in sex at this age. I do not want my son to engage in it either, but I'd be a fool not to discuss these things with him. (To put GF's mom in perspective: GF has a 19 year old brother who only learned how to drive about 6 months ago because as the mom told me she "can't control what happens when he drives" so she doesn't let him drive. He does not have the financial means to leave the house (due to restrictions put on by mom) so the brother has to live with this situation.)

My son has been the only part of this pair who has taken responsibility for the birth control. I was just hoping that this young lady would learn how to protect herself. She might not always be with someone like my son.

Again, I have respecting been all of the young lady's parents' wishes and continuing to dialogue with my son. Thank you for all of the responses. They have all been immensely helpful, but I think I am done discussing this.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

It's so clear you're trying your best in a very awkward situation. I am sending a prayer for the best possible outcome. I think it's great that you and your son were able to talk about the issue and that he can confide in you. 

I realize that you're finished with the discussion, so these are just general suggestions. It might make sense for any mom in your position to get a prescription for Elle, the prescription only emergency contraceptive. My understanding is that it's more effective than Plan B because it can be used at any time for five days after a condom breaks. You could keep it in the medicine cabinet or just give the package to your son to keep on hand. Or just let him know it's available just for the asking.

Condom use certainly gets pushed in sex-ed programs and in popular media, but I'm not sure teens REALLY understand just how high the failure rate can be.

Each year, 1 out of 50 women whose partners use condoms will become pregnant even if they always use condoms correctly. (Correct usage: Each and every time intercourse takes place. Condom must be in place before entry.)

Each year, 1 out of 5 women whose partners use condoms will become pregnant if they don't always use condoms correctly. (This often means putting the condom on just before ejaculation instead of before intercourse.)

You can make condoms much more effective if pull out before ejaculation. Becoming aware of your fertility cycle and avoiding intercourse, or pulling out during fertile times will also increase effectiveness.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Great advice about the morning after pill. I had completely forgotten about that.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Claudia Chapman said:


> I
> 
> Each year, 1 out of 50 women whose partners use condoms will become pregnant even if they always use condoms correctly. (Correct usage: Each and every time intercourse takes place. Condom must be in place before entry.)
> .


Correct use also includes holding the base of the condom when withdrawing and withdrawing immediately after ejaculation *before* loss of erection begins.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I would also strongly advise against giving a prescription-only medication to a person for whom it was not prescribed in order for them to give it to *another* person for whom it wasn't prescribed. Not least when that person is your son's girlfriend whose parents are opposed to her using oral contraceptives.

Making him aware of all the options and how to access them is as far as I would be comfortable going.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Dawn's mom said:


> Planned Parenthood? This is a very judgment organization and they make their money off of abortions. Their goals are not to prevent unplanned pregnancies. http://www.toomanyaborted.com/former-planned-parenthood-board-member-knows-the-truth/


That has not been my experience at all. I have several friends that went to Planned Parenthood because their moms would not help them get birth control. They do not counsel young women towards abortion unless things look very bleak.

Please do not malign an entire organization without some first hand experience.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Claudia Chapman said:


> Condom use certainly gets pushed in sex-ed programs and in popular media, but I'm not sure teens REALLY understand just how high the failure rate can be.
> 
> Each year, 1 out of 50 women whose partners use condoms will become pregnant even if they always use condoms correctly. (Correct usage: Each and every time intercourse takes place. Condom must be in place before entry.)
> 
> ...


Wow, that sounds like those Texas ads that are run by the very fundamentalist folks. They basically scare teens into thinking that condoms never work when in fact they work quite well. If the female is on the pill and they use a condom, pregnancy is a non-issue.

My kids were coached to know their partners well, use two forms of birth control and not to sleep with anyone they didn't want in our gene pool. We are sex positive and body positive at my house! And yes, we also "hosted" if the other parents were aware and fine with the knowledge.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Claudia Chapman said:


> I realize that you're finished with the discussion, so these are just general suggestions. It might make sense for any mom in your position to get a prescription for Elle, the prescription only emergency contraceptive. ....
> Condom use certainly gets pushed in sex-ed programs and in popular media, but I'm not sure teens REALLY understand just how high the failure rate can be.


So you are a fan of lying to get a prescription, passing it along to minor who has never seen an OB/GYN, whose medical history you do not know, and whose mother called you and said that she didn't want her daughter to have access to it, but you think that teens should be discouraged from using the ONLY form of BC that guys can ensure is in use and is also the ONLY form of BC that that significantly lowers the chance of STD transmission? Really? Am I actually reading your posts correctly???

Wow. We really see this issue very differently.

I've been telling my DDs since they were about 9 that if 2 people want to have sex but don't want to make a baby, they should use 2 forms of birth control, and that one of those should be a condom.

BTW, there are a couple of community clinics where I live that provide BC at low/ no cost and maintain privacy. They are local, not international, so the names wouldn't help someone in another city. The information can be difficult for teens to access because our lovely state legislature made it illegal for any school personal, including nurses and counselors at high schools, to tell teens where to go. Our public library hangs signs and gives out flyers.

Miranda -- I'm not sure how it works for reproductive health at this point in the US, but for most medical care a person under 18 cannot sign the necessary forms. My 17 year old can't see a dentist, eye doctor, etc. without me signing (though once the paper work is in order, she can go to the practice without me.) I think is an exception for BC, but my family is not part of the loop because I made it abundantly clear that my DD's could tell me and use our insurance.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

I can't understand why anyone would think I'm anti-condom because I believe people, especially young people, should understand the very real risks involved. 

Condoms break. 

People use them incorrectly. 

Plenty of teens think they are completely protected because they're using a condom. Teens need to know the risk involved with using a condom, especially when they don't use it 100% correctly 100% of the time.

1 out of 50 women becoming pregnant in a given year when condoms are used properly, and no other contraceptive is used, is an excellent effectiveness rate. Condoms when used properly are 98% effective. The effectiveness statistic for diaphragm use is only about 90% by comparison. Even the 90% effectiveness rate sounds great until you realize it translates to 1 out of 10 users per year getting pregnant. But if you use either method incorrectly the effectiveness rate plummets.

If you're uncomfortable about Elle, buy Plan B. It's less effective than Elle apparently but available without a prescription. 

Would I be comfortable about having an emergency contraceptive in my medicine cabinet in case it was needed by a young woman whose parents refused to help her protect herself? Especially Plan B which is available over the counter? Yes. Absolutely yes.

I don't think it's a good idea for 17 year olds to be risking pregnancy, but I'd much rather provide protection than see a girl faced with a choice between an abortion or becoming a mom before she's ready. Because condoms do break and people don't always use them correctly.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Nope. It's not from some fundamentalist propaganda. The source for that statistic is Planned Parenthood and is backed up by the package insert on a box of condoms.

Condoms are great when they're used in conjunction with an additional method for the woman.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

No you're not reading my post correctly. 

Understanding that the 98% effectiveness rate for condoms means that 2 women out of 100 whose partners use a condom correctly will get pregnant in any given year is hardly discouraging teens from using a condom. Understanding the risk is the most convincing argument I can think of for using two methods of contraception.

The 80% effectiveness rate for incorrect use of a condom sounds good too until you realize that it means 1 out of 5 women whose partners use the condom incorrectly will get pregnant in any given year.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

I suppose keeping Plan B in the medicine cabinet could be thought of as protecting a teenaged son against unwanted pregnancy as well as his girlfriend.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/news/20120224/condom-misuse-common


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Claudia Chapman said:


> I suppose keeping Plan B in the medicine cabinet could be thought of as protecting a teenaged son against unwanted pregnancy as well as his girlfriend.


If the girl in this twosome was your daughter then I would see no problem with you having Plan B in your medicine cabinet. BUT, providing a drug that has potential serious adverse effects against the explicit wishes of that minor child's parents is an extremely bad idea. Make suggestions to your son but stay out of the medical decisions of a child that isn't your own.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Point of information

Most states in the United States allow a 17 year old to give consent to all contraceptives regardless of parental opinion and without parental consent.

Plan B is available over the counter without a prescription. In states where minors can consent to or purchase contraception dispensing Plan B to a seventeen year old appears to be completely legal. It's also legal in these states for a doctor to prescribe Plan B or any other emergency contraceptive without parental involvement. 

Check the laws in your state and make an informed decision about keeping it in the medicine chest for use by your son or daughter. (The laws seem to change frequently on emergency contraception, and the age requirement for purchase has been lowered more than once so it's best to do your own research.)

Embarrassment or fear of parental anger may prevent a teenager from just walking in to the pharmacy to buy an emergency contraceptive herself. In an ideal world she wouldn't need an EC or if she did, she would confide in her family. In the real world not all teens can count on their families. Some parents beat their children and some shame or even disown their sexually active teens.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Claudia Chapman said:


> Point of information
> 
> Most states in the United States allow a 17 year old to give consent to all contraceptives regardless of parental opinion and without parental consent.
> 
> Plan B is available over the counter without a prescription. In states where minors can consent to or purchase contraception without parental permission dispensing Plan B to a seventeen year old appears to be completely legal. It's also legal in these states for a doctor to prescribe Plan B or any other emergency contraceptive without parental involvement. Check the laws in your state and make an informed decision.


I see no one here questioning the law regarding what she is legally able to do without her parent's permission. What I (and several other members it seems) do have a problem with is that you, knowing the opinion of the mom, are encouraging providing her with an over the counter drug without knowing what the mom's reasons were. Maybe there are medical issues that would make Plan B more dangerous for her. Providing her with a drug is MUCH different than her stepping into a pharmacy and purchasing it (after certainly discussing it with the pharmacist).


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

At 17, if the GF wants to get on BCP, she can go to Planned Parent hood on her own.

It is up to her.

Planned Parenthood is awesome and if it was not for their kindness and competency I probably would ahve unplanned pregancy or abortion at 19.



However, you have no say in what GF does or does not do. Talking to her parents really smacks of helicopter parenting of the highest degree.


Yours son had an option of using a condom each and every time being abstinent or having sex without intercourse.



Make sure your son is tested for STIs at least once a year and consider HPV vaccine for him.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

TCMoulton said:


> I see no one here questioning the law regarding what she is legally able to do without her parent's permission. What I (and several other members it seems) do have a problem with is that you, knowing the opinion of the mom, are encouraging providing her with an over the counter drug without knowing what the mom's reasons were. Maybe there are medical issues that would make Plan B more dangerous for her. Providing her with a drug is MUCH different than her stepping into a pharmacy and purchasing it (after certainly discussing it with the pharmacist).


TCMoulton:
Thank you or sharing your opinion and adding to the discussion.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Many teens meet with obstructions when they go in to the pharmacy to attempt to buy Plan B. The laws have changed several times and sometimes pharmacists are vague on what is required of them. (It's NOT required that a pharmacist discuss use of the drug or screen the purchaser in any way.) Since the window of time when emergency contraceptives are effective and safe is very limited, in my very humble opinion, it makes sense to keep them on hand should a contraceptive failure take place.

In addition, the $60 (+ or - ) price tag for emergency contraception may be a real barrier for many teens. I'd rather have it on hand and available when it's needed than worry that a teen girl might spend a day or two trying to scrounge up the money to buy it since its most effective within the first twenty four hours and doesn't seem to work at all after 72 hours.

This is an interesting and important discussion on an issue with potentially life-changing consequences. Glad to see the different points of view, as well as being able to put options on the table.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

Alenushka said:


> However, you have no say in what GF does or does not do. Talking to her parents really smacks of helicopter parenting of the highest degree.


Who's helicoptering? The GF's parents were the ones who called the original poster. Not the other way around. And it sounds like all she did was ask about oral contraceptives and hear the other mom out when she said that wasn't something she wanted for her daughter.

Miranda


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Linda on the move said:


> So you are a fan of lying to get a prescription, passing it along to minor who has never seen an OB/GYN, whose medical history you do not know, and whose mother called you and said that she didn't want her daughter to have access to it, but you think that teens should be discouraged from using the ONLY form of BC that guys can ensure is in use and is also the ONLY form of BC that that significantly lowers the chance of STD transmission? Really? Am I actually reading your posts correctly???
> 
> Wow. We really see this issue very differently.
> 
> ...


...


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

TCMoulton said:


> If the girl in this twosome was your daughter then I would see no problem with you having Plan B in your medicine cabinet. BUT, providing a drug that has potential serious adverse effects against the explicit wishes of that minor child's parents is an extremely bad idea. Make suggestions to your son but stay out of the medical decisions of a child that isn't your own.


The person making the medical decision should be the 17yo. The poster is just advocating having plan B on hand should that person decide to use it, since it is very time sensitive.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

see below....


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

TCMoulton said:


> ..................What I (and several other members it seems) do have a problem with is that you, knowing the opinion of the mom, are encouraging providing her with an over the counter drug without knowing what the mom's reasons were. Maybe there are medical issues that would make Plan B more dangerous for her. Providing her with a drug is MUCH different than her stepping into a pharmacy and purchasing it (after certainly discussing it with the pharmacist).


Personally, I'm a fan of researching any and every medical decision on the internet prior to seeing a doctor. Information is power. This is a choice we all have, minors included, in the age of the internet. The risks to plan B are less than taking the regular pill.When advising the girlfriend about it, you could always remind her to do her research first.

Actually, odds are, plan B is less of a health risk than labor and birth....

Information!! That what's they need!!

And isnt the mere fact that Plan B, (or was it Elle?), is available without prescription and without parental consent undermine the mothers' potential concerns?


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

contactmaya said:


> ...


Exactly my point Contactmaya. I also agree that the pill should not be the automatic "default" contraceptive.

In my opinion it makes sense to have PlanB or Ella on hand since the sooner it is used after a contraceptive failure, the greater the chances that it will prevent a pregnancy. The price might be a barrier for a teen who need to go to the pharmacy and buy either of these two options, which could delay purchase. PlanB is only effective in the first three days after a contraceptive failure. It is most effective if taken immediately. Lets be realistic. Teens are most likely to use it correctly if it is on hand and available without having to answer questions.

Ella is a more effective alternative to Plan B. The primary reason it is "prescription only" is the concern that it could cause (hypothetically) expulsion of an already fertilized egg if the user doesn't take it until a few days after the contraceptive failure. The prescription only status has more to do with politics than medicine.


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