# my miscarriage (long and graphic)



## Mom2baldie (Oct 29, 2002)

Okay, I just want to say again that this is long, boring and probably very graphic. I dont want anyone to get offended but I thought I needed to post another update since my 1st post here 2 weeks ago. Thanks for reading!

My daughter, Paityn was born in Feb. of 2003. Soon after her birth I began having dreams of becoming pregnant again and birthing another daughter into my hands unassisted at home. Afterwards, I would always be very careful to check for blood loss because of issues with hemmorhage with Paityn. In my dreams I never had a problem and they were all so exciting and important to me that I wrote them all down. I thought that the dreams meant that I would give birth alone because my midwife wouldnt make it in time - she does live almost 2 hours away.

When I did get pregnant again in June of 03 I told the midwife about my dreams and she said that maybe I dreamt of unassisted childbirth because I had lost all faith and trust in medical professionals after Paityns birth. She tried to reassure me that she would give me all the time and privacy that I needed in order for me to labor and birth the way I felt most comfortable. I was happy.

I found out on August 28 2003 that my baby had stopped growing about 2 weeks prior. I made the decision to have a natural miscarriage as opposed to a D&C because I wanted as much respect shown for her body as humanly possible. I also thought it would be nice to bury her outside in my flower garden.
I was told that a natural miscarriage would be extremely painful and that it would be very hard to find the baby because of the small size and the amount of blood. My backup Dr. for the homebirth said that she would still be in the sac and that if by some miracle I did see her, I would know by the white flesh.

I was really worried about finding her amidst all the other stuff that would be coming out of my body. I didnt know how the process would take place and the waiting was fairly hard. Two of my best friends Laurie and Yvette prayed every night that I would see my baby and that I wouldnt be in too much pain. It was nice to be prayed for and sometimes I wonder if thats what made the difference.

I only had to wait 10 days for the process to begin. On the evening of Sunday, Sept. 7 I began having contractions that felt like early labor. I thought it might have just been from a 3 mile bike ride with Riley, then a 2 mile walk alone though so I didnt think about it too much until I noticed that I had been having them regularly for over an hour. I was really excited to be "getting the show on the road". it was really strange how they felt eactly like labor contractions. I told my husband about them and he asked how far apart they were. I told him I wasnt timing them. After 10 PM I was exhausted and went to sleep only to dream about her more. In my dream I gave birth to a baby that was larger than I had expected and was fully developed. I layed her on my bed where Paityn sleeps every night and just looked at her. I woke up at 2:00 AM on Sept. 8 to a contraction and to go to the bathroom. When I sat down on the toilet I noticed that my pad had filled with blood and I was really surprised because I hadnt felt any pain at all the whole time I was asleep. There were also a few blood clots on it and one that had flew onto my leg. I got really scared thinking that she could be in one of them so I scooped them up and held them until I had poked, prodded and rinsed them enough to feel satisfied that she was still inside of me at that point. After that I woke my husband up and called my friend Laurie, but they didnt have any advice for me. I became so scared that I wouldnt be able to find my baby and that I would hurt her body with all the poking I would have to do to find her. I also wondered if I could do it and how I would react if I did see her. I started thinking that I would just freak out and be traumatized for the rest of my life.

Until around 4 AM I sat on the couch while my husband dozed. The contractions were much stronger and more painful them and I really wondered what the point of it was. After all, I would go through all the pain and have nothing to show for it. My daughter had died weeks ago and all I had to look forward to was burying her. Shortly after I got up to read on the internet I felt a huge gush of blood that soaked everything I was wearing. I ran to the kids bathroom and sat on the toilet calling my husband to bring me a pad. I wasnt sure what to do or how to measure how much I was bleeding so I just sat there in a daze. Several small blood clots came out and the toilet was completely red from the amount of blood.

I dont know why but for some unknown reason at around 4:35 AM I reached my hand down and my daughter squirted right out onto my left thumb. I was absolutely shocked and put her on a piece of toilet paper fast. My husband was standing in the door way and I pushed her towards him but he backed up and didnt want to look. I started shrieking "theres my baby" and "you can see her" and he came and put his arms around me and we cried. After we calmed down we both looked at her and were amazed at how fully developed she was and how many little details we could see - so perfect and beautiful. I had never thought of her as her own little person until then. She had eyes, arms, fingers, legs and toes and she had passed through my body so clean - the only blood on her was what I had gotten on my hands! The fingers were my favorite part of her - so tiny! Her little legs were barely visable and almost blended in with the rest of her body the way they were folded underneath her. A foot and toes, especially her big toe, were able to be seen if you looked hard enough. She was brownish gray in color and was about 1 inch long, so a little smaller than I was expecting. She was very smooshy so I didnt move her around too much, I just looked at what I was able to see in the position she was in. I really thought she was beautiful and I love her so much. She looked so perfect that its hard to understand what happened to her.

After a few minutes of looking her over I realized that there was a constant stream of blood coming out of me and I asked Bert (my husband) to bring a bowl to try to measure it. Riley came in and I showed him the baby. He was confused and only said "oh". I still felt okay at that point and called my mom and Laurie to tell them the baby had been born. I only caught a little of the blood in the bowl and after about 15 minutes or so started feeling very dizzy. At 1st I just felt hot and weak but it quickly progressed to seeing spots, hearing ringing in my ears, sweating, and gagging. When I screamed for Bert it sounded like my voice was coming from far away. I asked for juice and Riley brought me a full bottle of Gatorade which I immediately dropped. My head fell to between my knees and my husband propped me up saying we were going to the hospital. He called a few people, with me asking him not to the whole time. I wanted him to take a photo of the baby and he argued with me that I should quit thinking about her and think of myself. He did end up getting a picture and taking my kids down the street to a friends house while I managed to walk to my shower and turn on the freezing cold water. It made me feel much better so I really started trying to talk him out of going to the hospital. He had finally agreed with me when my mom got there and sent him to the store for some orange juice and heavy pads. I got out of the shower several times but wasnt even able to get a pad and underwear completely on before it was completely soaked and getting everywhere. I got in and out of the shower several times trying not to make a mess all over my floor and myself. When I had gotten back in the shower and started feeling dizzy again that really scared me so I told my mom she could go ahead and call an ambulance. They got here immediately and the 1st man didnt really seem to know what to do so I told him to take my blood pressure. It was still normal. I changed pads again, called Laurie to meet us at the hositoal and they brought the cot in my front door. I hopped on it and saw that at least 6 people were standing there. They are with the volunteer services for Pecan Plantation and were probably excited to have gotten a call!

After having several more large gushes of blood in the ambulance an IV of saline was started in my left arm, even though i did express concern about needles coming near me in a moving vehicle. We arrived at the hospital and I was pleased because the same ER nurse was there that I had seen the night I found out my baby had died. She remembered me also. Huge blood clots were coming out while I was still in the ER and I really wanted to find the placenta so the nurse dug around in them for me a bit. Im not sure how long I was there for but I started feeling very hot again and trying to push all the blankets oof of me. I touched my face and hair and could feel sweat on me. I said I had to use the bathroom and closed my eyes. My stomach was hurting and when the nurse was out of the room I sat up and started gagging again over the side of the bed. I certainly didnt want to throw up on myself! She came back in and gave me oxygen and another man gave me a 2nd IV in my right arm. I felt better immediately and looked at the last bp reading - 59/33.

Later the ER doctor came in and said that there was a piece of tissue caught on my cervix which was holding it open and causing me to conitnue bleeding. He pulled it out and the bleeding did slow but didnt stop completely. I told the nurse I was glad I had done it like this instead of having a D&C and she told me that still might end up happening. I was irritated.

My "supportive" OB came in and after an internal exam said that my cervix was still open and that I needed a suction D&C. He basically bullied me while no one was in the room, then when my husband was there he proceeded to scare and "sweet talk" him. I didnt know what the right thing to do was and didnt believe anything the OB was telling me. I always felt the most important thing was the baby and she was safe at home so I ended up having the D&C under general anesthesia.

As soon as I was stable and the results of my bloodwork were back I was released to come home. I havent had any pain from the D&C so I am very grateful. I do feel that the trip to the hospital was necessary, but Im not sure about the D&C. I guess I will never really know. I do think that if things would have happened a little slower I wouldve been fine, but to lose so much blood in such a short period of time was too hard on my body. The Dr. told me I was just unlucky.

I am so happy that I was able to feel my uterus contracting to bring my daughter into the world. I really wanted to feel that I gave her a decent birth and being able to see her has really helped me have closure on her death. I really consider it a miracle that I was able to reach down and catch her at exactly the right time. It makes me cry to think that if I hadnt she would have dropped into the toilet and even if I had of realized that she did, I probably wouldnt have been able to find her amidst all the blood. Later I asked my husband if he saw what happened, did I say anthing? And what was I reaching for? All he said was that he didnt know, I hadnt tried to reach for anything else before or after she was born. I think it was the most incredible thing that will ever happen to me.


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## fireflies~for~me (Jun 24, 2003)

What an incredible story...i viewed new posts and pulled yours up for some reason...i admire your respect and love for her little life. I am in awe at the detail you saw and your positiveness while grieving.

I chose a natural miscarraige for a multiple loss at 6 weeks-no heartbeats however so I did not get to see the developed babies when I bled.

Thanks for sharing,


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I agree about going to the hospital, your cervix staying open is what can lead to infection.

I am so sorry for your loss


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Thank you for sharing your baby with us. I am sorry for your loss, and glad you were able to find peace in your experience.


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## jannan (Oct 30, 2002)

what an incredible story! how pregnant were you? did you name her?


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## Mom2baldie (Oct 29, 2002)

Thanks!

I was about 12.5 weeks when the miscarriage happened. She actually stopped growing around 9 weeks though.

We had already decided that she would be named Karis Evelyn (before we found out she had passed) so we chose to keep that name for her. I had a silver heart shaped box engraved with her name and date and thats what she will be buried in.

We werent able to tell by looking at her that she was a girl, however, I always felt that she was, from the very beginning of the pregnancy. Also, all my dreams told me she was, so I feel very confident calling her a "she" and naming her a feminine name.


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