# "Nothing will happen to her in my carseat"



## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

I'm continually having problems with dd's dad not securing her properly in the carseat.

He had a cheap crappy one and the straps constantly twisted/got stuck,etc. He'd have the straps so loose that she would slip out. He didn't bat an eye and got in the drivers seat. I checked and fixed/showed him how to fix numerous times. (The times I was there for pick up. He gets her from my gramma while I'm at work/brings her to me and there's no way I can check the seat).

So, we both got Britax BLVD's for our cars. I've showed him how the straps should be. I've showed him the pinch test for the straps. I've showed him everything on how to properly restrain our child.

*I* have had NO problems with the Britax (I didn't have any problems with my cheap carseat either). He's still doing the same crap! He had all the straps twisted the other day, he buckles her in and shuts the door to go. I glance in the window and the straps that lay on her thighs?....There was enough gap on each leg to fit my entire arm (up to my bicep) through!

What in the hell is his problem?

I didn't mess with it. I told him, "Now. Get back in the car and look at the strap by her shoulders." He did and didn't see the problem. I told him..."it's all twisted. And do you see how much slack is around her legs? It shouldn't be like that!" He untwisted it and then he was done. Time to go. I was ready to smack him. I got in and tightened it so there wasn't all that slack.

He tells me, "I didn't do anything to the straps. It just happens like that." I tell him, "You have to check the straps and the slack EVERY. SINGLE. TIME."

Sure, in my car seat the strap might get twisted from getting dd out--and I correct it and always make sure the straps are straight from behind her shoulder to the buckle. Always. Most times, twice. I always pull on it to make sure it's tight, etc etc.

I'm so freaking mad at him. Last night when he dropped her off I brought up the carseat. I told him, "I can't believe how damn careless you are with her carseat! We're not talking about mis-matched clothes or not putting her head band on the right way. We're talking about securing her in the carseat...." He says nothing. I told him, "I'm done with checking your carseat. Done. If she dies because she's not properly restrained if you get in a car wreck, that will be on you. Hope you can live with yourself."

He tells me, "Oh, nothing's going to happen to her in my carseat."

(He's a cop) I told him, "Maybe I need to take you to XX Police Dept (where they check carseats) so THEY can tell you everything that I'm telling you. Do you need me to take you there?" Then we didnt speak the rest of the time.

I'm fuming.

Is this the norm? Are *most* dad's like this? I'm NOT being anal--straps shouldn't be twisted and there shouldn't be enough gap for my entire arm to fit through.

He's educated. He's a cop and has seen many fatal accidents--some involving children. What the hell is his problem? He reminds me of a kid who quickly puts her in the carseat so he can go play. ???? What can I do? I'm really getting scared to have him drive her but I don't have a choice and I can't check his seat everytime.


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## Mama Mko (Jul 26, 2007)

My husband tightens the straps and untwists them when he puts the kids in their carseats.







I'm sorry he's being this way. That would freak me out too.


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## alysmommy2004 (Jun 23, 2006)

Has he seen crash test footage? I've noticed that with most people that think it's okay to have loose straps, they tend to change their mind after seeing the footage of how much a child moves around in the seat.


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## eurobin (Aug 20, 2006)

I don't know what to say. I've told my ex that he and his family don't get a vote when it comes to carseats... they do what I say "or else." I haven't really got a legal "or else" to stand on but it's worked so far for me. I can't imagine what I'd do if it didn't work.







s


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## JoyofBirth (Mar 16, 2004)

My dh is good with the carseats, but my mom is not so much. I always install her seats in her car so they are right. I also emphasize that it has to be right or they can't ride with her without me. She doesn't mean to be slack, she just doesn't get it. But she knows I'm serious. It's a sticky situation and it's hard to give you any advice. You actually probably just need to vent more than you need advice anyway, because you've done all it seems you can. I would try to figure out a way to be able to give him the ultimatum that he either does it right or she doesn't ride with him anymore. I would possibly threaten to call the cops or CPS on him, but with him being a cop that may just backfire on you. SO I guess no real help but lots of sympathy. I hope something gives soon.


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## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

He's seen the crash test video's. I sent those to him to convince him we needed to practce extended RF.

He often stays to visit after he drops dd off. I had one too many beers and slept on the couch (instead of in bed with dd) for safety reasons. I didn't say one word to him. I fell asleep and he left. He text me today asking me if was mad. I said I was, in reference to the carseat. He said (and I quote) "Don't be mad. I'm doing a multi-point inspectin on the seat before each baby installation. I didn't think this seat would get twisted like the cheaper ones but obviously it does." Yeah. I've heard that before. I've heard many things from him.

His old seat--the straps would get mangled/twisted UNDER the carseat. We had to un-install it all the time to straighten the straps. With the Britax, it's just the visible straps that get twisted (from getting kid in/out, etc--nothing major). It just blows me away that he's so damn careless.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

DH is like that at times but not that bad. He worries she will be uncomfortable and tries to loosen them when I tighten them. I try to convince him that she will be ok and that its necessary but I have to keep reminding him. He was really good about keeping the straps tight when she was little, its a recent development that he doesn't. Its starting to drive me batty.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MayBaby2007* 

Is this the norm? Are *most* dad's like this? I'm NOT being anal--straps shouldn't be twisted and there shouldn't be enough gap for my entire arm to fit through.


No it is definitely not a dad thing. My husband is better at car seats than I am.


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## blissful_maia (Feb 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
No it is definitely not a dad thing. My husband is better at car seats than I am.









:


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blissful_maia* 







:









yep, same here. DH is much better at the seat than i am--he can always get the straps tighter than i can


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## Ironica (Sep 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MayBaby2007* 
He tells me, "Oh, nothing's going to happen to her in my carseat."

He's a cop. How many times has he heard drunks say "Oh, but nothing's going to happen when I'm driving home"? How reassured would he be that they could drive safely under the influence?

I don't envy your position. FWIW, my husband also is fine about carseats. He's not quite as aware of stuff as I am, but if I tell him "Oh, we should do it this way" he accepts that without question and DOES IT, because he knows I pay attention to the research.


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## Smalls181 (May 12, 2006)

Car accidents are the #1 killer of kids in the US.

Type that up 100 times, print it, and post it all over the dang house and car.

I talk about car seat safety constantly, so my DH knows this is something I am very passionate about, and something I know a lot about. When I get like this about a subject, he takes me very seriously.

I would just tell him, flat out, by not tightening her straps every single time, you are risking her life. And could he live with myself if his negligence cost you her life? I know you have said it before, but say it again. And ask him, is it pride? Why wont you acknowledge this?

I really feel for you on this one. I am irritated and frustrated FOR you!


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## cognito (Nov 30, 2007)

Since you're not together, do you have a custody agreement? Maybe you could get something added to that saying he agrees to use the carseat properly EVERY time.

My DF is great about carseats. I really managed to get through to him. Last weekend Milo was wearing a sweatshirt & thin jacket. DF asked if it was too thick & would compress in an accident. I asked about switching Jareth to a convertible & he wants to keep him in the bucket because 'he looks more safe & snug in there'. (He has plenty of grow room because he's a little guy.)

I hope you can get through to him.


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## goodheartedmama (Feb 1, 2007)

I don't really have advice, but is it laziness on his part, or him trying to "defy" you? It seems like he may be trying to push your buttons since it's something so important to you.


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## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OkiMom* 
DH is like that at times but not that bad. He worries she will be uncomfortable and tries to loosen them when I tighten them. I try to convince him that she will be ok and that its necessary but I have to keep reminding him. He was really good about keeping the straps tight when she was little, its a recent development that he doesn't. Its starting to drive me batty.

Her dad has had the same worry. He used to put the chest-buckle (sorry I do not know all the proper terminology) by her belly button. I constantly corrected him and told him it needs to be level with her arm pits. He said he was afraid it would strangle her....so he put it down by her belly button on purpose. He's been better about that part.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smalls181* 
Car accidents are the #1 killer of kids in the US.

Type that up 100 times, print it, and post it all over the dang house and car.

I talk about car seat safety constantly, so my DH knows this is something I am very passionate about, and something I know a lot about. When I get like this about a subject, he takes me very seriously.

I would just tell him, flat out, by not tightening her straps every single time, you are risking her life. And could he live with myself if his negligence cost you her life? I know you have said it before, but say it again. And ask him, is it pride? Why wont you acknowledge this?

I really feel for you on this one. I am irritated and frustrated FOR you!

THAT is a GREAT idea! I'm totally going to do that. I'll get some neon orange paper and put stickers on her carseat as well. The problem is I'm usually not around when he puts her in/out of carseat. The few times I am around and see problems, I get onto him. I have no way of knowing what he's doing when I'm not around.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cognito* 
Since you're not together, do you have a custody agreement? Maybe you could get something added to that saying he agrees to use the carseat properly EVERY time.

No. Everything's civil. No court, nothing on paper for visitation or anything.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *goodheartedmama* 
I don't really have advice, but is it laziness on his part, or him trying to "defy" you? It seems like he may be trying to push your buttons since it's something so important to you.

He and I get along. So I don't think it defiance. He honestly reminds me of a kid who has to clean up his room before he can go play--a kid who throws toys in the closet/under the bed so it's "clean" so he can go play. He puts her in the carseat w/o a care in the world so he can go "play daddy" or something. That's what it reminds me of.

Small things (that I don't bitch about--but just for examples) he does: He'll put her socks on and have the seam running lengthwise on TOP of her foot instead of lined up with her toes. He'll put her shirts on backwards (his mom will bring it to his attention). And other things--but you get the point. He just does things to "do" them and doesn't care it's done right.

I need to talk to his mom about the carseat issue. (Lightbulb--just thought about this). I should see her on Halloween. She's always onto him about something. (He spends all his time with dd at his mom's house). When dd was starting solids, she checked with me before she let him give her new foods and such. She's more conscience of things like that and reminds him about different things. She alway used to ask me before giving/doing things to/with dd. She sent me a recipe of homemade cookies she made for Christmas so I could look at the ingredients to make sure dd could have all the ingredients, etc. She's very sweet and always wants to check with me on different things concerning dd. DD's dad OTOH....he thinks mashed potatoes is a complete/nutritious (i canNOT spell today!) meal to feed dd. (Again, I let the little things go. The carseat is not some little thing I can overlook though).


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I had to go over this over again with my husband before he "got it". He figured he is a safe driver so everything would be OK, and that I was questioning his driving skills or something. I told him it's everybody else's driving skills that scare me, and just about everybody gets into a car accident at some point so it's a question of when it will happen, not if it will happen. At some point he did get it, and he is now very careful. If your dd's dad is a police officer though, he really should understand immediately because I bet he's seen some kids who weren't properly restrained after crashes.


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## gilamama (Aug 9, 2005)

my dh loosens the girls seats so they will be more comfortable. i just tighten them again.







i have noticed lately that the belts are not loosened really after he takes then for a drive.







:

It doesnt sound from your posts that you and your ex have such respectful ways of discussing issues. maybe work on that short term so that safety and other issues that will come up long term can be worked out peacefully and in the best interest of your daughter.

i hope that you guys can work it out without too much drama and everyone can feel confident in your dd's safety.


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## cognito (Nov 30, 2007)

I'm glad it's civil. It will be better for your DD in the long run.

Talking to his mom might just be what works then. I hope so.

I have a cop BIL & his kids are all in seat belts the moment they hit 4&40 because the law says it's ok. They don't want to wit in 'baby seats' anyway. Grrr!


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MayBaby2007* 
Is this the norm? Are *most* dad's like this? I'm NOT being anal--straps shouldn't be twisted and there shouldn't be enough gap for my entire arm to fit through.

No, I can't say most dads are like that. My ex (ds's dad) was though. He called me the morning of his very first visitation (that he sued ME for) saying he didn't have a carseat. Uhhh.... better get one, buddy! Not like I'm going to let you drive off with my 9 month old without one







I/his mom checked the straps every single time I/we could (he hasn't taken ds alone in years so it's no longer an issue).

My dp (who is not ds's bio-dad) is awesome about the carseat. He makes sure he's in there good and tight every time. He knows about no winter coats in the carseat, etc. I still double check him sometimes, out of habit, which frustrates him


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## JeanneElle (Oct 28, 2008)

My DH is not too bad - his straps are not quite as neat or perfectly positioned as mine, but they're still reasonably in place and safe. Plus he never takes offense when I check (he used to it - I'm a bit anal ;-) lol

He is very good about taking off the winter coats though - he complains that it's harder to get the straps to fit over bulky clothing. There's hope for him ;-)


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## Eben'sMama (Jun 29, 2006)

My Dh is great and very throrough about making sure that the boys are in their carseats *perfectly* everytime--straps nice and tight, untwisted, chest buckle at armpit height, etc. If only he could be as thorough and meticulous about everything! lol

I'm sorry that you have to struggle with your DD's dad about this.







I think getting his mom to help impress upon him the importance of this issue is a great idea.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Wow, I was totally going to suggest that you called the police as a good time, when you knew he had her with him, and have them pull him over and give him a lecture. I know someone who got a child endangerment charge for having their child majorly improperly buckled. At the very least, I figure it's a really good knock on the head.

As he is a cop, I have to wonder why in the world he'd be so careless! Wow. Is there someone who legally assists with your custody agreement that you could ask to intervene on your behalf in this matter? Would you be willing to make a phone call to his superior at work to ask for a little nudge to make him be more careful?


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