# DECEMBER Baby Loss Mama's Chat Thread



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Our original thread was getting a bit daunting with 15 pages.

Come join us through our grief, sorrow, joy, and frustrations. All baby loss mamas are welcome!!!!

I ask that if you are ttc or have issues with ttc you please take it to the ttc after loss thread as there are many of us on this thread that are unable to ttc for various reasons. If you are PAL we will see it in your siggy and you are more than welcome to post on this thread but ask that you keep PAL issues for the PAL thread.

(If you have a problem with these guidelines or would like to add others let me know and I can change things)

With that said come on over ladies and I look forward to chatting with all of you this month!


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## egmaranian (Aug 15, 2009)

Thanks for starting a December thread, Nicole. I wanted to post in the other one, but hadn't had a chance yet, that I LOVE your dragonfly story! It is so meaningful and beautiful. I totally understand why you love dragonflies. I think they be my new favorite bug as well


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Glad there is a new thread up. A short into on me, since I haven't been around much lately: I'm Laura, 24, and I lost my son Jack at 36 weeks in August due to placental insufficiency. Then, in November, I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. I have two other first trimester losses in my history. I am waiting for insurance to officially kick in (sometime this month) and then I'm planning to go to the doctor for all of the tests. I am not ttc at the moment, so no worries of me talking about it. Other than maybe saying how bitter I am when I see pregnant women and newborn babies all over the place. But, I guess we can probably all relate to that on some level, eh?

I am trying so hard to get in the holiday spirit for my 4 year old's sake, but I'm finding it very difficult. We put up a tree yesterday, and we have been doing Christmas related crafts for about a week now, but I'm just not feeling it. I think the next month is going to be very hard - it just gets more and more difficult to go through the motions. Anyone else having a hard time getting into the holidays this year?

Nicole - I just read the last page of the other thread. How absolutely awesome that she sent food, and food that y'all could eat on top of that! Looks like you may be making a new friend - and since your other one turned out to be so awful, I know you could use one. I, too, love the dragonfly story. That is beautiful.

Krista - thank you. Women who haven't had losses just don't understand that not only to we lose our child, we loose the joy and happiness that come from being pregnant, and we loose the ability to think positively about anything fertility related. I hate that we all have to be here, but its great we have a common place to gather where we all get each other.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Subbing.

Mom to jj that's great that you had a regular cycle! I seemed to have o'd right as my beta was hitting zero. Which is impressive because it means I'd been growing follies before that.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Hooray! This chat thread is such a life saver for me right now!

I am glad you ladies like the dragonfly story. It was told to me by the hospice nurse after my mother died as there was a young child present. It is a great story to explain death to young children. The story came to my mind after emerics death and I told it to my kiddos, I hadn't thought about it in quite some time. I re-told it again after we lost pepper. I can't wait till I get my tattoo but am a bit scared of the pain....

Tonight is my SHARE meeting. I am soooooo excited. Sucks that is the kind of stuff I have to look forward to. Just the idea of the meeting tonight helped me make it through the last week. I finished a scrap book page for my littlest angels that will go just behind the paige I did for Emeric. Now ALL of my little angels will be represented in the book. It was healing for me to do that.

LJ- as far as christmas and holiday stuff goes I think you are doing pretty good. We always put the tree up the sat after thanksgiving but since i miscarried on friday night sat really wasn't going to work out. My dad always helps us get the tree up as dh is disabled and it is challenging for him but he also really can't stand decorating, etc. and would be happy if we skipped it. The kids do not want to skip it so it will get done, just not sure when.

Next weekend i think we are going to take the little tree over to the cemetary to decorate it and leave it for emeric (and pepper).

egmaranian- Welcome!!!

BC- our bodies are so interesting. I am interested to see how mine will react this time as it has been different for each one. I am not temping right now but will get back into it sometime this week.

Do you know when the first day of my cycle should be? Should it be the day I started bleeding (wed.) or the day I passed the baby (fri)? As for now I marked it as friday which makes it about right as far as when the bleeding stopped and when it typically would stop after af (and several of my births actually).

Hope everyone is hanging in there.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Laura I'm having a terrible time with the holidays too, and it's a vicious cycle with guilt for my three year old losing out on wonderful memories on top of dealing with a hormone-crazy, sad mama. I'm still waiting on my m/c at almost 10 weeks here with not a drop of blood and barely cramps. The baby died at 7 weeks. My determination to let it happen naturally is crumpling as Christmas gets nearer and I'm still in mourning limbo. I feel like if it doesn't happen soon, I'll still be a total basketcase by then. I feel like I can't proceed past this certain point of grieving until I have the physical part behind me.

I can't get into the holiday spirit and fake it and think about gifts for anyone (ugh! seriously?! I have to care about stupid petty material yet meaningful GIFTS right now??!!) and I'm really not sure right now I will be able to at all. I got so pissed at DH last night because he had the gall to bug me about setting plans with his side of the family on which day we'd go do the present opening nonsense. Up until now he's been extremely sensitive but somehow didn't get that I can't make stupid plans like that right now and could really give a rat's ass about seeing his family and watching everyone open a nauseating pile of gifts. If I didn't have a child I would absolutely be opting out of Christmas this year, and would be much happier for it.

I'm not sure if anyone in my family, DH included, realizes that Christmas is going to be excruciating for me this year. My due date for m/c #1 is coming up on the 11th, and it's looking like I'll barely be physically recovered from this loss....I was supposed to have a newborn or at least a nice belly to announce to extended family at Christmas this year. sigh.....Thanks for letting me vent.


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## tippy (Mar 9, 2008)

i didn't know about this thread until now...

i lost my precious little 4.5 mo old boy, Julius, a little over a month ago to SIDS during his afternoon nap at daycare. his blog/story are linked in my siggy. it's been a struggle ever since to make it. but i'm trying.







i just wish with everything that i didn't have to do this...

i wish none of us had to do this. so sorry for everyone's losses.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> Hooray! This chat thread is such a life saver for me right now!
> 
> ...


I think you're suposed to count it from the day you passed the baby. That's what I did, even though I didn't pass the placenta til the next day.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> Laura I'm having a terrible time with the holidays too, and it's a vicious cycle with guilt for my three year old losing out on wonderful memories on top of dealing with a hormone-crazy, sad mama. I'm still waiting on my m/c at almost 10 weeks here with not a drop of blood and barely cramps. The baby died at 7 weeks. My determination to let it happen naturally is crumpling as Christmas gets nearer and I'm still in mourning limbo. I feel like if it doesn't happen soon, I'll still be a total basketcase by then. I feel like I can't proceed past this certain point of grieving until I have the physical part behind me.
> 
> ...


I totally understand. I couldn't start healing fully until I passed the baby too. it was such an awful limbo.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tippy*
> 
> i didn't know about this thread until now...
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry for your loss.  How terrible .


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Tiffany- Welcome to the thread! A member of a club that no one wants to be a part of but glad that they are when they have to be.

I read your blog and bawled my eyes out. Your son is so precious and his laugh is just adorable. I can not even imagine the pain you are going through. Everyone's experience is so different yet we are all missing something so important in our lives, our babies

Megan- I am so sorry you are having to wait, especially with your edd coming up. that totally sucks.

I am with everyone on the holiday blah. I just don't think I can do it. Emerics edd is jan 18th and I already took the day off of work and am planning on getting my tattoo then. Figured I would be crying all day anyways.


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## frugalmum (Nov 5, 2009)

hi ladies... I am having a hard time with the holidays too. I am doing a good job "getting things done" for the kids but the enthusiasm is not there. I have been getting laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning done, anything that requires little mental legwork. But anything that requires me to actually sit down and think, I am having trouble with.

I also clicked "all new posts" which is what I always do at MDC and saw a thread title from my former DDC which I really did not need to see right now.







I am truly happy for the mamas still in there (I honestly am-- not just saying that) but i didn't need the reminder of what I would be feeling now.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Frugal mom I have the same problem, seeing things from my old DDC. It sucks. They're feeling for kicks and finding out the sex soon and I'm sittin here wiht an empty tummy.


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Megan - I haven't been following too closely, so this may have already been discussed, but have you ever read Susan Weed's book, Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Years? In it, she lists emmenagogues which can nudge a miscarriage towards completion. I don't know where you stand on helping things along, but I wanted to mention it just in case. The Bulk Herb Store carries all of the herbs she recommends. I have never had to wait for a miscarriage to happen - mine have always been early and sudden, and with Jack I didn't know he was dead until he was born - but it sounds like the worst kind of hell to have to live suspended in. I'm so sorry you are in this awful place right now, and I wish for you that it is over soon.

I am with you on the guilt, too. My nearly 4 year old is so into Christmas this year, and I wish I could be a better sport about it. I am going through the motions of what I have to do, but I wish I felt festive and could force myself to go in the kitchen and make cookies with him, or something...

Nicole - Your scrapbook page sounds wonderful, and healing, in a way. I'm glad you were able to do that. How did your meeting go tonight? I keep meaning to go to one, but the only one here is 35 miles away, and we are a one car family at the moment, so I'm usually just stuck at home with no car.

Tippy - I'm glad you found us.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Thanks Laura - I've read many old threads on it and also have a couple of my own below that a few mamas have offered advice on. My sister is a Traditional Chinese Herbalist and Acupuncturist. Unfortunately she lives far away but she was able to send me some herbs to help move things along. Also I've started doing Blue & Black cohosh tinctures and have been taking EPO and drinking lots of RRL. I have "The Natural Pregnancy Book" by Aviva Jill Romm which also has a wonderful thorough section on miscarriage and has been really helpful. I have an acupuncturist here who I see once a week too. So I'm pretty well doing everything I can to encourage my body at this point.







I'm very hopeful that this weekend, hitting the 10 week mark and also the New Moon, things will start to get going. I had the tiniest bit of spotting tonight - really just stained fluid - and more cramps, so....It is a very weird limbo to be stuck in, pregnant but not, getting to the point of actually begging the universe for a miscarriage. Very weird.

Oh and I meant to say (but got so caught up in my rant) that sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job with the holidays considering! Actually doing crafts and stuff with DS? That's great!

Frugalmum I agree about the mental legwork part of it, that's so the problem. It's not so hard to go through the motions I guess but things like planning gifts for people etc that requires thought is...forget about it!

Tiffany welcome - so sorry for your loss. Your story was beautifully written and heartbreaking.

Nicole hope your meeting was as wonderful as you've been looking forward to it being!


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Glad to see the new thread up and appreciating the guidelines for sure. I had thought about starting a thread without the TTC and pregnancy stuff; it really overtakes the threads quickly.

I'm not feeling up to writing much tonight; I think I'll just read quietly.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Ok I could not read Tiffany's blog and not comment. I am SO sorry, mama
















You really hit the strength thing on the head. I've had people say that to me so much since my latest loss and I just don't. get. it. Being alive is not a sign of strength; especially when you want to curl up and die. Forcing yourself out of bed or off the couch to do things is not a sign of strength it's just that the alternative (laying there in pain) isn't really any better. I regret that I ever told loss mamas that they were strong.

Julius looks a lot like my first baby; he's just gorgeous. I am so sorry that you don't get to have him


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Oh sorry. I was quick to reply and sub to the thread when it was made. I didn't read the terms. I'll leave my TTC jabber out of this thread.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> I'm not sure if anyone in my family, DH included, realizes that Christmas is going to be excruciating for me this year. My due date for m/c #1 is coming up on the 11th, and it's looking like I'll barely be physically recovered from this loss....I was supposed to have a newborn or at least a nice belly to announce to extended family at Christmas this year. sigh.....Thanks for letting me vent.










Ughh! Me too! The 17th will mark one year from my first loss, Benjamin would be two months old and I should be six months pregnant with Kadence. To make it worse, after our last living baby we had originally planned to NOT get pregnant until the december after she turned two..... that's this month. I don't celebrate christmas and am rather thankful for that right now but this month is gonna blow.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Ok just ignore the fact that I said I was going to read quietly.

Quote:


> krista- I did a little research and it isn't the lady I thought it was. I didn't even know who sent me the dinner. 8 yr old boys aren't extremely reliable. It was actually a women who I chat with ocassionally. Her daughter heard on the playground from my son so they aren't even in the same class. I looked up her number in the school directory and the dinner did come from her and she has never had a loss. She has 4 living children. She just talked about how she doesn't know how it must feel but could only imagine the pain I was in and wanted to do something. here is the kicker we have food allergies and she asked both of my kids teachers about the boys allergies and then got something plain for us including all ingredients and we could eat it!!!! We talked about 30 min. on the phone. It was soooooo what i need. I just feel really frickin lonely right now. dh and i are really struggling right now too and i think that is normal especially since we are both on the opposite ends of the spectrum as far as ttc/tta goes. it is so frustrating. I know we will work through this I just wish my hormones would stay out of the way.
> 
> Krista- I completely understand the mourning of the loss and the loss of the possibility of another living baby to hold. I hope that we get another baby at some point even if it is by adoption or fostering. but at some point i might just have to be ok with things the way they are. (but right now I am not)


That is even more awesome! We have food allergies here too so I know what a HUGE blessing that is to get food from someone that you can all actually eat.

I hope that you do get another baby and from your own body. It is so unfair for a mama to have to end her childbearing like this, feeling broken and confused and scared. Forgive me if you've already said this but is DH wanting to try again? Brian and I are struggling to figure out what we are going to do. Our losses seem unrelated, this last one appears to have been a cord accident. But we are both so incredibly scared and I can't pretend that I'm not scared to death to even think about another pregnancy even if there is nothing wrong with us. I'm also finding myself not just wanting another baby this time; I want Benjamin and Kadence. It's so weird to sit and think that there should be a six week old on my chest and I should be almost 24wks pg. It's not even physically possible but my body feels it.


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Can I whine?

I am so damned sad today. The tree is up and beautiful, my DP came home from work early, a new Grey's Anatomy was on - I should be happy. But I'm not. I'm just so utterly, completely, overwhelmingly sad. And I know I won't be able to sleep, because I can never sleep anymore. My phone keeps ringing; two different friends calling, and I just cannot force myself to make small talk right now. I want to just curl up and cry but I can't cry because I don't have enough energy to make tears.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Hugs Laura. We understand. Everything else can go perfectly right, but we're still short a baby, and that trumps all...


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Wow! This thread is active. Jst what this lonely mama needs.

Bc- the guidelines are just that guidelines but as I really want another baby and that isn't happening for a while and I know there are others I. That boat I personally don't want to hear it cuss it huts too bad. Also there r so many grt threads for tic and pal.

Lj- I can't make small talk right now either. As far as the tears I think I used them all up!

Afm- the n
Meeting was grt! I cried and cried which I really needed to do. It was a candle lighting meeting. I jst took 2 candles ( a blue one and a gender neutral one) as I didn't want to hog all the candles:eyesroll. It felt good to b there and I didn't feel so lonely.


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Tiffany - I am so sorry. My heart aches for you...

Nicole - Your meeting sounds wonderful and healing. What a great thing to have a safe place like that to cry.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07* I feel like I can't proceed past this certain point of grieving until I have the physical part behind me.


That is it exactly! There is an initial grieving that comes with the shock, and when that was over for me, people were saying it was good that I got my grieving over and done with before the physical loss. I knew there was another wave of grieving to come, though, because how can you grieve a loss that you haven't even had yet? That is one thing that really sucked about the missed m/c--two entirely different grieving periods.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bcblondie*
> 
> Frugal mom I have the same problem, seeing things from my old DDC. It sucks. They're feeling for kicks and finding out the sex soon and I'm sittin here wiht an empty tummy.


I have been thinking that, too. Sometimes I feel a little twinge, and it all comes rushing back. I should be feeling a squirmy baby right now, not just empty bubbles in my tummy. I miss that so much it hurts.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> I had the tiniest bit of spotting tonight - really just stained fluid - and more cramps, so....It is a very weird limbo to be stuck in, pregnant but not, getting to the point of actually begging the universe for a miscarriage. Very weird.


Oh mama, what a good sign! I hope things get moving for you soon now. Everything you write is so much what I felt going through mine. It felt so bizarre to actually be wanting to miscarry, after spending the first 8 weeks hoping to not see any bleeding and then getting to a point where you want to scream, "What I wouldn't give for a little bleeding right now!" I will say there is one, and only one, positive to the missed m/c...that is, when I actually did physically miscarry, I was thrilled. Oh my gosh, I feel guilty just looking at that. But just to have it finally be happening was a huge relief. At one point, as I was marveling at the size and number of clots I was passing, my DH gave me a weird look and said, "I can't believe you're not crying." I was like, "Crying?! I'm so happy I could dance, except for all these clots that are falling out of me!"

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *L J*
> 
> Can I whine?
> 
> I am so damned sad today. The tree is up and beautiful, my DP came home from work early, a new Grey's Anatomy was on - I should be happy. But I'm not. I'm just so utterly, completely, overwhelmingly sad. And I know I won't be able to sleep, because I can never sleep anymore. My phone keeps ringing; two different friends calling, and I just cannot force myself to make small talk right now. I want to just curl up and cry but I can't cry because I don't have enough energy to make tears.


Whine away, Laura. I'm glad there is a place we can come to let it out.

I had a crappy day yesterday, too. I bought two cartons of expensive Greek yogurt as a little treat, and realized when I opened one that I got the fat-free instead of full-fat version, and I hate the fat-free. Then my DS chewed up the cap from a brand-new bottle of fabric glue while I was crafting. Then I got ANOTHER bill for over $100 for "laboratory services" performed during my m/c (I'm up to like $2,000 now), but I have NO recollection of having any blood work or other lab tests done that day. Plus I'm in the middle of AF. And I have a cold, and both my kids have colds, so I spent all day wiping noses. And to top it off, my brother and SIL who called me one week after my loss to tell me they were 6 1/2 weeks pg (and set me off on a week-long cry), posted on their FB pages that they bought a Honda Odyssey because they're expecting. This hurts a lot because DH and I were planning to get a mini van when we found out that I was pg. Three car seats won't fit in the back of a Camry, so we really need one. We were looking at Odysseys, but we put our plans on hold when we lost the baby. And now my brother and his wife get a mini van because they are expecting one kid?! What is wrong with the two vehicles they had? And it's not like they have money. They are in school debt up to their eyeballs. My parents co-signed for their house. This is sucking really bad. I feel like they are getting everything that was taken from me. It makes me jealous that they can buy a van when she's not even out of the first trimester yet without even thinking that she could still lose the baby. I HATE that my first thought about a pregnancy is like, "It could end in a loss, you know." I wish I could be innocent like that, but NO, my very first pregnancy was a loss, so it was all ruined for me before I ever got started.


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## tippy (Mar 9, 2008)

thanks for the warm welcome ladies!









mom-to-jj, i understand how you feel. i feel very jealous of people these days too for all sorts of reasons. and i'm so upset that i have lost my innocence too. i'm just so painfully aware now that nothing is guaranteed to anyone. and it hurts. i can't even think about the future because it gives me a panic attack. this is just not right.

i was having a decent day yesterday until i got home. i just went into hysterics (as usual these days) about how much i miss him and how lonely i am.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj*  It makes me jealous that they can buy a van when she's not even out of the first trimester yet without even thinking that she could still lose the baby. I HATE that my first thought about a pregnancy is like, "It could end in a loss, you know." I wish I could be innocent like that, but NO, my very first pregnancy was a loss, so it was all ruined for me before I ever got started.


Yep, I know. I hate that people have these carefree attitudes about pregnancy, and never even have a thought about miscarriage.

I hate that I will never, ever get that. I'm never going to have a pregnancy that I can enjoy.

But, I would gladly take 9 months of living on tenterhooks, if it got me a healthy baby.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> I had a crappy day yesterday, too. I bought two cartons of expensive Greek yogurt as a little treat, and realized when I opened one that I got the fat-free instead of full-fat version, and I hate the fat-free. Then my DS chewed up the cap from a brand-new bottle of fabric glue while I was crafting. Then I got ANOTHER bill for over $100 for "laboratory services" performed during my m/c (I'm up to like $2,000 now), but I have NO recollection of having any blood work or other lab tests done that day. Plus I'm in the middle of AF. And I have a cold, and both my kids have colds, so I spent all day wiping noses. And to top it off, my brother and SIL who called me one week after my loss to tell me they were 6 1/2 weeks pg (and set me off on a week-long cry), posted on their FB pages that they bought a Honda Odyssey because they're expecting. This hurts a lot because DH and I were planning to get a mini van when we found out that I was pg. Three car seats won't fit in the back of a Camry, so we really need one. We were looking at Odysseys, but we put our plans on hold when we lost the baby. And now my brother and his wife get a mini van because they are expecting one kid?! What is wrong with the two vehicles they had? And it's not like they have money. They are in school debt up to their eyeballs. My parents co-signed for their house. This is sucking really bad. I feel like they are getting everything that was taken from me. It makes me jealous that they can buy a van when she's not even out of the first trimester yet without even thinking that she could still lose the baby. I HATE that my first thought about a pregnancy is like, "It could end in a loss, you know." I wish I could be innocent like that, but NO, my very first pregnancy was a loss, so it was all ruined for me before I ever got started.


Oh hun that all just sucks so much. Hopefully that's the last of the bills. 2000 bucks would put me in the poor house!! And I hate when other people get pg in less than ideal situations. The world seems so unfair. 

I have a cold too, so I can commiserate on that one.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tippy*
> 
> i was having a decent day yesterday until i got home. i just went into hysterics (as usual these days) about how much i miss him and how lonely i am.


Hugs. 

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Milk8shake*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Me too.  I mean. We all have a certain risk of miscarriage. It could happen to anyone. But it FEELS so much more likely to happen again, if it's happened once. Even though statistically I know my chances are no higher, It's just all too familiar.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Milk8shake*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


You know what bothers me most about this? I had three healthy babies before I ever had a loss and I NEVER took it for granted! With all of them I always said "If I have this baby. If I make it to term." I was always reminding people that I was hopeful but cautious and it wasn't until well into the third tri that I actually said "hey, I'm gonna have a baby!" Now I've had as many losses as healthy pregnancies AND I've made it past 20wks without any symptoms of m/c. If I wasn't so intune with my babies to know right when Kadence died I would'nt have known anything until 21wks when I lost her. Why did *I* need to be reminded of how fragile and not guaranteed it is? I already knew! And there are women who get a positive test and immediately tell everyone in the world they are having a baby (at 3w4d pg) and then go buy baby stuff. It makes me want to smack them and that makes me feel awful









And you are so right; if I knew that I could have a healthy baby again I'd gladly go through the whole nine months of terror


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> You know what bothers me most about this? I had three healthy babies before I ever had a loss and I NEVER took it for granted! With all of them I always said "If I have this baby. If I make it to term." I was always reminding people that I was hopeful but cautious and it wasn't until well into the third tri that I actually said "hey, I'm gonna have a baby!" And there are women who get a positive test and immediately tell everyone in the world they are having a baby (at 3w4d pg) and then go buy baby stuff. It makes me want to smack them and that makes me feel awful
> 
> ...


I know that not all people take it for granted, but it certainly seems that way. Most people act as though pregnancy = baby, and we all know that isn't the way it goes.

With my first, I had a terrifying 12 weeks, with bleeding, cramping and hospital admissions, but a strong steady heart beat the whole way through. I finally got to a point where I thought it was gonna happen, and told (some) close friends, and ended up miscarrying a couple of days later @ 12w5d.

So yeah, stories of people who buy new cars @ 6 weeks, and people who post on facebook so early - it really bothers me.

And I find myself almost wishing that something would go bad for them, just so they could understand.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I'm afraid I've wished the same thing and for the exact same reason :-( Then I feel AWFUL for even thinking it. But it's just SO UNFAIR. You (and so many others) never got that first innocent pregnancy and I have always felt like it wasn't guaranteed and honestly felt more certain I would miscarry with each pg. I hate how some women act like it's not even possible for them even though statistically it's almost certain they will lose a baby if they have several pregnancies.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Well. I'm one of the early tellers. But it's not because I'm so confident that the baby is coming. I'm not. It's just because if people are with us during the highs, they seem to better understand the lows. If you guys saw my facebook during the time that we were worried about teh baby (before it was confirmed on U/S you would be amazed by the support. My wall was literally flooded with people saying they were praying for us and what not. It helped SO much. And I got really mad at BIL who said "well next time you better not tell so early" Jerk. I don't regret telling early! I'll do it again next time.

But yeah. DEFINTELY not buying a van at 6 weeks pg. Not a chance!!


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I always told early too (before I got to number 3 and people started reacting negatively) it's not the telling that is upsetting; it's the "I"M having a baby" attitude that gets me. It's especially hard when you see someone do that after they know you've had a loss; like they don't even register that it could happen to them too. It makes me feel like people think I'm some sort of side show act or something. Like they are just in a whole different class and my problems can't possibly apply to them. I totally agree about telling so they can experience it all with you, good or bad. My thoughts were always the same on that.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Quote:


> Oh mama, what a good sign! I hope things get moving for you soon now. Everything you write is so much what I felt going through mine. It felt so bizarre to actually be wanting to miscarry, after spending the first 8 weeks hoping to not see any bleeding and then getting to a point where you want to scream, "What I wouldn't give for a little bleeding right now!" I will say there is one, and only one, positive to the missed m/c...that is, when I actually did physically miscarry, I was thrilled. Oh my gosh, I feel guilty just looking at that. But just to have it finally be happening was a huge relief. At one point, as I was marveling at the size and number of clots I was passing, my DH gave me a weird look and said, "I can't believe you're not crying." I was like, "Crying?! I'm so happy I could dance, except for all these clots that are falling out of me!"
> 
> *Thanks, and I totally know what you mean about the missed m/c making it strangely positive when it finally happens. I'm feeling that. And I'm also anticipating the second mourning period you talked about too....Thanks so much for the encouragement though.*
> 
> And to top it off, my brother and SIL who called me one week after my loss to tell me they were 6 1/2 weeks pg (and set me off on a week-long cry), posted on their FB pages that they bought a Honda Odyssey because they're expecting. This hurts a lot because DH and I were planning to get a mini van when we found out that I was pg. Three car seats won't fit in the back of a Camry, so we really need one. We were looking at Odysseys, but we put our plans on hold when we lost the baby. And now my brother and his wife get a mini van because they are expecting one kid?! What is wrong with the two vehicles they had? And it's not like they have money. They are in school debt up to their eyeballs. My parents co-signed for their house. This is sucking really bad. I feel like they are getting everything that was taken from me. It makes me jealous that they can buy a van when she's not even out of the first trimester yet without even thinking that she could still lose the baby. I HATE that my first thought about a pregnancy is like, "It could end in a loss, you know." I wish I could be innocent like that, but NO, my very first pregnancy was a loss, so it was all ruined for me before I ever got started.










So sorry about this, and I can totally relate to that feeling of they're getting everything that was taken from you. I have the same thing going on with my little sister right now. It sucks.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> I always told early too (before I got to number 3 and people started reacting negatively) it's not the telling that is upsetting; it's the "I"M having a baby" attitude that gets me. *It's especially hard when you see someone do that after they know you've had a loss; like they don't even register that it could happen to them too*. It makes me feel like people think I'm some sort of side show act or something. Like they are just in a whole different class and my problems can't possibly apply to them. I totally agree about telling so they can experience it all with you, good or bad. My thoughts were always the same on that.


TOTALLY agree. My friend that just had the ectopic, she told me she was having a baby in July. She was the one that was apathetic to her SIL's loss. And now she's lost a baby herself. She never thought it would happen to her. She told ME they were having a baby in July... right after my loss... and then she loses the baby....


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

And then we feel sorry for her because now she knows







Oy, if I say I feel crazy will it make you all feel judged?


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

But I don't think she even knows!! Because this was her first pregnancy, and what she said about her SIL was "but it's not a big deal because she already has 2 kids" ...


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Because you know. This 11 week loss that I just had was a breeze because I already had william. My 5 week one. That was hard. Cuz it was my first. Like. It makes no sense! Both my losses hurt lik $^%$ Right now this one hurts more because it's more raw/recent and a little bit because of how long everything took and seeing/burying the baby.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Wow so much to respond to.

I am an early teller because frankly I am just not good at keeping secrets, I am not a very private person, I want to share the happy news, and need the support if something bad happens. The more pregnancies I have the less people I tell but that is bcs I don't want the "oh your pregnant again" comments.

My first 2 pg I knew something bad could happen but didn't really KNOW something bad could happen until I lost my third pg at 12.5 wks. Each loss has been different for me. Seeing the babies makes it harder and the last 2 I saw the babies (this one looked more like a shrimp but i got to see it complete). Having back to back losses makes it harder as well and mine seem to come in pairs.

I have noticed that when I tell people we lost another baby if they don't say something stupid like: "do you know what is wrong", "maybe god thinks you should be done" (I have actually gotten that one twice







), etc. then they stare at me with these eyes that say you poor poor dear and that makes me feel sooooo crappy and alone.

AFM- I have made it through yet another day as a partially functional human being (mommy included). I feel like I just can't do this, can't live through another loss, just can't but each day I make it and it gets better. Not ok, not over it, not hunky dory, but better. I can laugh (most of the time) when my kids say something funny, I am focussing on my kids a lot lately. They lost me for about 3 months after Emeric's death and I just can not let that happen again (it hasn't been 4 months yet so that just would be so unfair).

Got a note from my oldests teacher and he was acting up this week, not surprised, our lives have been a bit stressful lately. I explained to her our situation and I am sure she will be extremely sympathetic and helpful as well. She was wonderful during Emeric's loss as she contracted fifths disease at the same time but she was further in her pregnancy and her baby didn't end up catching it. She really helped my son at the beginning of the yr when he was struggling but then she has been out on maternity leave and the sub has been letting my son read whenever he wants and so the teacher is having to start all over again plus we have just gone through one more loss.

I am soooooo lonely right now! I really don't have a close local friend so that makes it hard but even if I did I am not sure I wouldn't feel lonely. I just feel beat down.

Dh and I have been talking about our options and we are going to give it 6 months to a year and then decide if we want to have another child and then if we decide we do then we will decide which method, birth, fostering, adoption, etc. It was a really healthy conversation.

Holidays suck because it is sooooo busy. We have a MDA christmas party that we are going to attend tomorrow morning, then I have therapy, then meeting with the priest, then a goodbye party for a very special person who is moving very far away in the evening. Crowds are really hard lately so we will see how I do. Sunday is less crazy, thank goodness.

Glad to see this thread so busy, it is just what I need.

You ladies are my rock right now.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Nicole. Glad you are surviving. I'm sorry the stress is affecting DS.  But clearly understandable.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

I'm glad that some of you feel that telling early gives you support, regardless of the outcome. That is something that is severely lacking within my circle.

It hurts me though, that other women get pregnant, and never even have the thought that they could miscarry.

It also hurts me to be judged on the basis of my losses, as though each loss is somehow deserved, and because of my anatomy, I should not only expect it, I should feel responsible.

I will say this, I do feel responsible. And the decisions we have made, and continue to make are not ones that we take lightly at all. I'm not sure if the lack of understanding that we've experienced is to do with our age? People act as though the fact that we are (relatively) young, means that we "have plenty of time", and therefore we shouldn't be too worried about it.

As far as our next pregnancy, I waver between the "I'm going to tell everyone ASAP", and the "I'm not going to tell a soul".

Realistically speaking, we probably will tell - early. That's mainly because doctors appointments and my treatment regime will make it pretty clear anyway.

But there are people in my life who I will not tell. Purely based on their previous unsupportive reactions.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Ugh my little sister just emailed all of us her ultrasound pic. Can't decide how to react. I mean, REALLY?!?! I'm still sitting here with a dead baby inside waiting to bleed it out and you've gotta share your happy little growing blob? Have I mentioned that she's only a week and a half ahead of me and that this was a TOTAL accident (they were basically broken up and pretty sure they didn't even want to be together, certainly didn't want kids together, and she's only 25)? I think I have to say something, just need to be calm enough to say it not too offensively. I imagine she consciously included me so that it wasn't weird like she was ignoring me or leaving me out. But OTOH, couldn't she maybe have asked me first what my comfort level is with hearing her updates and seeing ultrasound pictures? I mean, *especially* ultrasound pictures! All of my ultrasounds this year have given horrible news. She went and got this one done just 4 days after mine found a dead baby. I haven't gotten any pictures of my babies to share....She's only 13 weeks so this is going to get a lot worse....Any advice on how to handle it?


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

megan - that sucks! what a punch in the gut! I don't know what your relationship with your little sister is. My guess is that she just doesn't get it, people just don't get it. I didn't get it until I had a loss. She is excited that all is well, that hb on the us is pretty amazing and I can understand wanting to share. If you have a good relationship I would recommend speaking with her and letting her know that you are so happy that her little one is alive and well but it is a painful reminder that yours is not and for now you really just can't handle the updates. Keep it basic and to the point, no reason to go on. I am so sorry you are going through that.

I really hope your waiting is done soon as well, i can't imagine how awful that would be as that isn't an experience I have yet had. I had several that took a while from death to delivery but didn't find out till I was actively miscarrying (except for emeric which Iwas induced 3 days later and that wait was excruciating). Hang in there mama, this is not a fun ride

milk8shake- regardless the decisions you and your dh make are YOUR decisions they are NOT for everyone else to make and judge. It is so hard when people judge us and we are just trying to do what we feel is right. I am so sorry that is even something you have to consider with another pregnancy. Don't people know you will be terrified enough, now you have to worry about who you tell/don't tell to get the appropriate support and NOT be judged. That sucks but I do understand.

AFM- off for our busy day. Slept in today as sat. is my day to sleep in hooray! Need to get moving and then see if I can make it through the day.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Milk8shake*
> 
> I'm glad that some of you feel that telling early gives you support, regardless of the outcome. That is something that is severely lacking within my circle.
> 
> ...


Yup. We're goign to tell early too. That's part of the reason. Apointments make it hard. Also, last time at 8 weeks I was definitely showing. Friends told me so. I could share a pic but I wont. But I guess because of my ab separation I just popped so quick and couldn't hold it in. Maybe now that it's winter it would be easier but yeah. It's impossible to hide. Part of me wants to hide it til 20 weeks but just not possible...

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> Ugh my little sister just emailed all of us her ultrasound pic. Can't decide how to react. I mean, REALLY?!?! I'm still sitting here with a dead baby inside waiting to bleed it out and you've gotta share your happy little growing blob? Have I mentioned that she's only a week and a half ahead of me and that this was a TOTAL accident (they were basically broken up and pretty sure they didn't even want to be together, certainly didn't want kids together, and she's only 25)? I think I have to say something, just need to be calm enough to say it not too offensively. I imagine she consciously included me so that it wasn't weird like she was ignoring me or leaving me out. But OTOH, couldn't she maybe have asked me first what my comfort level is with hearing her updates and seeing ultrasound pictures? I mean, *especially* ultrasound pictures! All of my ultrasounds this year have given horrible news. She went and got this one done just 4 days after mine found a dead baby. I haven't gotten any pictures of my babies to share....She's only 13 weeks so this is going to get a lot worse....Any advice on how to handle it?


That's so inconsiderate. I would email her and say "congrats on your healthy baby, but in the future, can you ask me first whether I'd like to hear/see your updates? Ultrasound pictures are difficult for me to see right now"

Could that work?


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> Ugh my little sister just emailed all of us her ultrasound pic. Can't decide how to react. I mean, REALLY?!?! I'm still sitting here with a dead baby inside waiting to bleed it out and you've gotta share your happy little growing blob? Have I mentioned that she's only a week and a half ahead of me and that this was a TOTAL accident (they were basically broken up and pretty sure they didn't even want to be together, certainly didn't want kids together, and she's only 25)? I think I have to say something, just need to be calm enough to say it not too offensively. I imagine she consciously included me so that it wasn't weird like she was ignoring me or leaving me out. But OTOH, couldn't she maybe have asked me first what my comfort level is with hearing her updates and seeing ultrasound pictures? I mean, *especially* ultrasound pictures! All of my ultrasounds this year have given horrible news. She went and got this one done just 4 days after mine found a dead baby. I haven't gotten any pictures of my babies to share....She's only 13 weeks so this is going to get a lot worse....Any advice on how to handle it?


I am SO sorry; that is awful :-(

I would ignore the email for a few days or a week and let her get her positive responses from everyone else and then I would write her and let her know that I was happy for her and glad things were going well but that u/s pics and updates and such are a painful reminder of my loss and that I'm just not in pace where I can see/read things like that without it hurting.


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

With Henry, I didn't tell anyone other than message board friends until I was 16 weeks and knew that he was a boy. With Jack, I waited until 20 weeks to tell anyone. I see my parents daily, and they are really all I have, but I was able to hide it because it was conveniently sweatshirt weather both pregnancies.

With this recent 5 week m/c I told everyone (parents, message board friends, one IRL friend) immediately, before I was even 4 weeks. I knew that I would need their support, no matter which way the pregnancy went. PAL is so terrifying anyway, even if I had been able to keep that pregnancy I wanted the support of those closest to me. Its difficult for my parents to give me any real support, because they do not approve of anything I do, ever, but after the initial shock wears off they at least try.

I never told anyone, until recently, about the other two early miscarriages that I have had. I think I have just tried to block them out of my mind. But, now that I have had 3 early m/c and a full term stillbirth, I am scared.

Its all I ever think about anymore. I'm stuck at home all day with no car, DP is gone in the morning when I wake up and he works 12+ hour days, and gets home after Henry and I have already had dinner and I'm putting him to bed. I have no job, my only friend is 2 hours away, so I just sit all day and obsess. Google, read, come here... obsess obsess obsess. I have got to find a way to stop thinking about my fertility and my broken uterus and do something else before I lose my mind completely.

My prozac isn't working, or maybe I'm not really depressed, I'm just obsessed. I feel so out of control most of the time. I appear quite stoic on the outside, because I'm not very good with emotions, but inside my thoughts are eating me alive.

Milk8shake - I'm so sorry that you do not have a supportive circle. I know all too well that that makes everything so much harder. I have stopped speaking to my entire extended "family" because the week before Jack died they were all at my shower celebrating his life, and I haven't heard a single word from any of them since. No calls, no card, no food, nothing. I will never speak to any of them again.

Megan - I am so sorry your little sister is being so insensitive. I hope that you are able to find a way to tactfully shut her up for a while.

Mom-to-jj (Becky?) That is crazy about the minivan people. Stuff like that really stings me, too, sometimes. Mostly I just marvel at how naive people can be when they don't even consider the fact that loss could happen to them.

I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with telling early, because maybe if everyone told early, and then told when they had a loss, then society at large would become more sensitive and respectful towards loss mamas. But, the idea that some women have that nothing bad can ever happen to them... it blows my mind.

My bf was talking today about how she wants another baby, and she just loves being pregnant, etc. She has two healthy children, no losses. I said, yeah, I used to like being pregnant. But the dead baby thing kind of takes that away. She tries to be sensitive, but sometimes I want to scream. I don't want anyone having to walk on eggshells around me, but something I wish people had a better filter in place when talking to loss mamas.

Nicole - I am so glad you are your DH were able to have such a healthy and productive conversation. I bet that has lifted your spirits some. What does MDA stand for, if I may ask?

AFM - I just don't know what I am going to do. I talked about it on the TTCAL thread, but its not very active. I feel like I need to do something, see a doctor, have some tests done, to see if there is even any point in trying anymore, or if we should just start shopping for a surrogate. But here's the thing - and its a BIG thing. I have mentioned it before, but I am petrified of doctors. I just cannot take my pants off and put my feet in stirups without a full blown, major panic attack. This alone makes me never want to have another child. I feel like I'm being irresponsible if I become pregnant again without some testing, but I don't know if I can handle the testing. I don't know what to do to get past this. Therapy? Large doses of anti-anxiety medication before every appointment? I'm def not TTC until I can figure out how to handle this doctor thing. I would see midwives 4 hours away in another state with no hesitation if I ever could become pregnant with a healthy pregnancy again, but I know I have to go the doctor route for the testing. Anyone have any wisdom, or ideas how I can overcome this without large doses of controlled substances?


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. Patience and brevity aren't really my strong suit







so I wrote her an email this afternoon. I think I was pretty calm in it and tried to explain that certain things I'd love to be included in and certain things were painful reminders of what I should be experiencing and am not, and that ultrasounds in particular are horrible for me. But if you knew my sis even when not under the influence of preggo hormones and brain...and the dynamics of our oldest/youngest sister stuff....well, let's just say I expect her to totally overreact and not respond to me and likely think that she's the victim here. But hopefully I'm being negative and she'll surprise me.

I'm happy (strange!) to report that I finally started to really cramp and bleed lightly today. The day I turned 10 weeks and 3 weeks to the day that baby's heart stopped. I can't believe how relieved and even sort of happy I am that my body is doing what it needs to on its own. I'm hopeful that it won't drag on too much longer and I'll be complete and able to start really grieving soon. The cramps have picked up but are still totally manageable like bad period cramps front and back. Coincidence or not, I started mega-dosing Vitamin C yesterday and had acupuncture again this morning.

Anyway, I am still feeling somewhat anxious and nervous about the process so any prayers and positive thoughts or advice would be much appreciated it. SO glad I have you guys, I can't even tell you how much I value having you wonderful mamas who understand all of this!


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Oh Laura that's tough stuff....all of it! I wish I had some wisdom but right now I feel totally devoid of it. But I wanted to give you hugs and say I'm so so sorry you're feeling so isolated and worried. Do you feel that way about even setting foot in a doc's office or specifically the OB? I hope that maybe someone else here has some helpful ideas.


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Nicole! Water Bugs & Dragonflies


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Laura- I wish I could see more of that book but for 3$ I think I'm gonna get it, especially before I get my tattoo.
I am sorry u are having such a hard time and r so isolated.
I get your dr thing. A good dr will take the time to let u interview them. I would make spots to interview drs fully clothed and address all of your fears and concerns. U will see who is receptive and go from there. I hate drs, hospitals, etc. I hav an awesome dr that we all go to and we had a wonderful interview over 9 hrs ago. I recently went to ob triage after my m/c and they contacted my dr, were caring and compassionate, etc. It was a good visit so that helped me a bit w the fear. I don't like the stir up thing either but find I am more comfortable without the blanket so I can see what they r doing. Good luck, don't settle just keep looking and u will find someone u can trust.
Mda= muscular dystrophy association dh has muscular dystrophy and most likely ds2 does as well.

Megan- good luck w your sister.

Afm- I made it through the day. It was busy. It was tough.but It was good.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> AFM - I just don't know what I am going to do. I talked about it on the TTCAL thread, but its not very active. I feel like I need to do something, see a doctor, have some tests done, to see if there is even any point in trying anymore, or if we should just start shopping for a surrogate. But here's the thing - and its a BIG thing. I have mentioned it before, but I am petrified of doctors. I just cannot take my pants off and put my feet in stirups without a full blown, major panic attack. This alone makes me never want to have another child. I feel like I'm being irresponsible if I become pregnant again without some testing, but I don't know if I can handle the testing. I don't know what to do to get past this. Therapy? Large doses of anti-anxiety medication before every appointment? I'm def not TTC until I can figure out how to handle this doctor thing. I would see midwives 4 hours away in another state with no hesitation if I ever could become pregnant with a healthy pregnancy again, but I know I have to go the doctor route for the testing. Anyone have any wisdom, or ideas how I can overcome this without large doses of controlled substances?


 If I could, I would be a surrogate for you. I know we live miles apart. And we've both had losses. But I'd do it for you if it were possible.

I understand the fear of doctors. I guess I don't really have a fear. I just dislike doctors. I don't trust them one bit.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> I'm happy (strange!) to report that I finally started to really cramp and bleed lightly today. The day I turned 10 weeks and 3 weeks to the day that baby's heart stopped. I can't believe how relieved and even sort of happy I am that my body is doing what it needs to on its own. I'm hopeful that it won't drag on too much longer and I'll be complete and able to start really grieving soon. The cramps have picked up but are still totally manageable like bad period cramps front and back. Coincidence or not, I started mega-dosing Vitamin C yesterday and had acupuncture again this morning.
> 
> Anyway, I am still feeling somewhat anxious and nervous about the process so any prayers and positive thoughts or advice would be much appreciated it. SO glad I have you guys, I can't even tell you how much I value having you wonderful mamas who understand all of this!


I'm glad things seem to be starting! I did the vit C and parsley and I believe it worked!! I hope everything goes smoothly for you.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

laura- I wanted to say that I am from the belief that bad things happen to good people and that just bcs we have lost a number of babies does not mean there is something wrong, just bad luck. I am going to do the recurrent loss testing bcs it is covered by my insurance and as it is blood work it is pretty non-invasive but I don't believe they will come up with anything. We know why Emeric died, You know why jack died. That just leaves the 3 early first tri losses unexplained and as for both of us they were not consequetive I think it is just bad luck. I DO NOT think your body is broken, DO NOT give up hope please! I know this is hard trust me i really know how hard this is and yeah drs are scary. I will let you know what to expect as soon as I get mine done. My appt. is Jan 19th (the day after emeric's edd).

AFM - I am having a really really hard day emotionally today. Just missing my babies so bad and really struggling with where I am at right now. This journey is so lonely.

I talked with our priest yesterday about doing a memorial service/walk or something on oct. 15th. He told me to get back to him in august. I think it iwll take much longer than that. Has anyone ever organized something like that? I was thinking of a service, reading a list of babies to be honored, some music, and candle lighting and then walking to the angel garden in the cemetary. How would I guess how many candles to get? If we decide to have the service at the church and walk 3 blks to the cemetary do I need a permit through the city? how do I raise funds, etc. etc. etc. Any ideas would be great but I personally think I need to get going on this now and not august.

I think I start back to work tomorrow, not sure I am ready.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.


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## kalamos23 (Apr 11, 2008)

Laura - you can get the blood clotting testing done without taking your pants off - it's just a blood draw (they do draw quite a few vials, but it's only one stick). I think with the hematoma that that is probably the first testing you should do anyway (I have had hematomas with all mine and apparently they can be linked to blood clotting issues). I did take baby aspirin from ovulation on in hopes of creating a better environment, and I don't know if it helped or not, but this is the first sticky baby after 3 m/c, so it might have. My testing came back negative, though they didn't check for MTHFR mutations. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you can get some of the testing done without getting undressed. Can you see a doctor just in general? Like just to talk to them? You may be able to get a midwife (would have to be a CNM, I think, and your insurance would probably have to preapprove you) to sign off on the tests so you wouldn't even have to get a physical or exam done. Depending on the OB, you might be able to talk them into calling in the tests for you so you could just go to the lab and get them done.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *L J*
> 
> AFM - I just don't know what I am going to do. I talked about it on the TTCAL thread, but its not very active. I feel like I need to do something, see a doctor, have some tests done, to see if there is even any point in trying anymore, or if we should just start shopping for a surrogate. But here's the thing - and its a BIG thing. I have mentioned it before, but I am petrified of doctors. I just cannot take my pants off and put my feet in stirups without a full blown, major panic attack. This alone makes me never want to have another child. I feel like I'm being irresponsible if I become pregnant again without some testing, but I don't know if I can handle the testing. I don't know what to do to get past this. Therapy? Large doses of anti-anxiety medication before every appointment? I'm def not TTC until I can figure out how to handle this doctor thing. I would see midwives 4 hours away in another state with no hesitation if I ever could become pregnant with a healthy pregnancy again, but I know I have to go the doctor route for the testing. Anyone have any wisdom, or ideas how I can overcome this without large doses of controlled substances?


I hear you. I don't visit TTCAL, because I'm still not actually TTC.

Anyway, we have been considering the trying again vs surrogate thing for several months now. It's so difficult because of the legislation here in Oz though. Not to mention the cost is prohibitive.

I have no idea what we will do.

So, doctors are not a big problem for me, but hospitals, yeah. My therapist thinks I have PTSD related to hospitals. It's stressful.

I am on medication, which has helped, but I have to say that I recommend therapy. Dealing with past events is a huge part of moving forward, and you have been through a lot.

As far as testing goes, I felt the same way. But now, I have had all the tests, and still have no real answers, and I wonder if it is terribly irresponsible of us (mainly me) to TTC again.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

MILK8SHAKE- i had a friend that had 7 m/c all in the first tri but some as late as 12 wks. She did all of hte testing and never came up with anything. then all of a sudden she just stayed pregnant and has had 3 girls in a row just a little over 1 yr apart! I wouldn't say it is irresponsible to continue to ttc if that is what you think is best for your family. The question is can you handle the repeated heartache? I don't know if I can so I would totally understand that part of it.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> MILK8SHAKE- i had a friend that had 7 m/c all in the first tri but some as late as 12 wks. She did all of hte testing and never came up with anything. then all of a sudden she just stayed pregnant and has had 3 girls in a row just a little over 1 yr apart! I wouldn't say it is irresponsible to continue to ttc if that is what you think is best for your family. The question is can you handle the repeated heartache? I don't know if I can so I would totally understand that part of it.


Thanks Nicole. My situation is a little different, being that I have a congenital uterine abnormality. I have known about it for many years, and basically had the other testing as a process of elimination. At this stage, the doctors won't say for sure that my uterus is the reason for my RPL, but it seems pretty clear to me. Because the condition is so rare (something like 0.3% of the female population), there is very little known about it, and the effect on pregnancy, and there is no actual "treatment". The other difficult part is the likelihood that I would not be able to carry to term. The chances of PTL and preemie birth are high.

The question of handling the repeated heartache is something I've really battled with. That has been the main reason we have not been TTC since my last loss in March. 3 back to back losses has really screwed with my mental health. I'm only just getting to a place now where I can face the prospect of a further pregnancy.

TBH, I think I could handle another loss. It would suck, but I would deal with it. I have a good rapport with my therapist, and a supportive DP.

The thing that really scares me is the implications of another loss. As in, coming to grips with *never* being a mother. I think that will be so much harder to deal with.

I hate that I'm in that 0.3% with a screwy uterus, and I'm in the 1% of women who experience RPL. I hate that I'm in the 5% who miscarries after seeing a healthy heartbeat every time, and I hate that I'm in the category where my chances for success are less than 30%.

We're really struggling with the decision now, as in whether we should even try. Ultimately, it's my body, and therefore my choice - and I hate that I have to make the choice.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

i had my first day back at work today (i am a nanny) and it went well. It was nice to be out of the house and not totally thinking of my crappy situation.

Still haven't gotten enough energy up to set up the tree and other christmassy stuff. I know I need to do it for the kids but bleck.

I am trying to come up with traditions for Emeric and the holidays. It is hard bcs dh and I see things differently. I want to visit the grave on christmas eve (ds2 suggested leaving a stocking and then going back on christmas day to see what is in it) but dh doesn't see why I would want ot spend christmas eve and day at the cemetary (it would just be a few minuites). Oh well, dh isn't really a celebrating kind of guy and we just do stuff w/out him a lot so maybe we will do this w/out him as well, just adds to how lonely I already feel though.

I have decided to do a scrapbook for my dead babies and purchased one 1/2 off the other day. I can't wait to get started as I think it will be healing for me. I should be getting Emerics enhanced photos back sometime this week.

How is everyone else hanging in there?


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Nicole, I'm so glad that work went well.

I think the cemetery visit sounds nice especially if the kids are up for it; maybe DH is just holding some stuff in.

AFM: I'm getting into the "let's forget that happened phase". Trying not to push my losses into the back of my head where they will hide and come out to haunt me later; it's all just so hard to deal with I don't know what else to do. Maybe a scrapbook thing would be a good idea for me too.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Scrapbooks are great. I definitely think that's a good idea.


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

First off, I want to say that being in this dead baby club totally, completely sucks, but I am amazed daily by what wise, insightful, sensitive women I have been able to meet and get to know because of it. Y'all are all fantastic, and I appreciate each and every one of you.

/Mushy stuff over. =)

Nicole - thank you for saying I'm not broken. It seems like I need to hear that a lot lately. This is such a wild, out of control feeling, its so hard to see your own situation clearly when you are sitting right in the middle of it. I am doing a lot of soul searching these days, and I think I am going to explore some alternatives before handing myself over completely to a doctor or team of them.

I'm glad your first day back at work went well! I didn't even know you worked. I'm terribly jealous. I need a job, and I miss working more than should really be normal. You'll get around to the Christmas stuff - its early yet. We put our tree up a few days ago and I'm stressing that it was too early and it will dry out and be unsafe before Christmas ever actually gets here. Plus, the longer you wait, the less time you spend REdecorating after your little ones take the ornaments off.

I think it seems really healthy that you are actively remembering Emeric and taking your children to the cemetery to visit. I'm with Krista most days - I try to just push it all to the back of my mind, and I don't actively think about Jack. He's always on my mind, but I don't let myself fall into the memories. I can't look at his pictures. My DP has created a shrine of sorts on our dresser with his ashes, blanket, hat, diapers that came in the mail after he died, a silver dime he found at work, a pretty marble... I dust it every day, but I can't think about it too much. I just spend all of my time obsessing over what's wrong with my physical body, my fertility, etc. I wish I were able to let myself more actively remember, and therefore grieve, him, but I just can't, not yet. So big props to you for being in that place where you can, because I sincerely think its a much healthier place to be. I'm sorry your DH isn't there with you yet, and you feel so lonely right now. I can relate to that - I think the simple fact that no two people can ever react to grief the same way makes the process extremely lonely.

Milk8Shake - I wish I had the right words to describe how I feel for your situation. I can't imagine how big the responsibility must feel for you at this point, of whether to try again or not. This has been such a long journey for you already, I admire the hell out of you for still pushing forward. To say that I hope that somehow, some way you will be a mother would be a gross understatement. I didn't realize that only 1% of women experience RPL. It seems so common, in these circles. Wow. No wonder society at large is so uneducated and insensitive.

Rachel - it never really occurred to me to just go to a regular doctor for the blood work. I know what panels I want run, so I don't see any reason my a GP wouldn't at least consider ordering it. I have an appointment at the end of this month at this "cheap clinic" I found in the city last month to get a prescription for an antidepressant. I really, really liked the doctor I saw, and my next appointment is with her, too. I'll have insurance then, and considering the type of place it is, I bet she would be willing to do it since she knows she'll actually get paid. Skewed way of looking at it, but at a place that rarely sees anyone billable, I feel like I might have a better chance. Thank you. I have been taking baby aspirin and methylfolate since a couple weeks after Jack died. I figured it couldn't hurt anything in the least, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something. I hope your pregnancy is going well, and you are enjoying it with minimal stressing.

Megan - I've been thinking about you a lot.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Well said Laura, I was feeling the same thing.









I'm afraid I'm not doing a good job finding time or energy to keep up here lately....I don't feel like I'm doing a good job of anything at all. And really I'm not. I'm just amazed at those of you who manage to work outside the home. Or keep functioning inside the home so well either. I'm just useless. I don't even feel like much of a mommy these days, and that's saddest of all. It makes me think, maybe that's why it's not "meant to be" for me to have another baby, the universe is trying to tell me something with the infertility and losses.

Maybe it's just my hormones hitting the bottom floor finally. My BBT plummeted today and I'm feeling so empty now. After all of that waiting to miscarry it's finally done and I'm back to my "normal" state, like it never happened. My uterus has already shrunk back down and it's empty.

Maybe it's the doctor and two youngest sisters all being so hurtful and thoughtless....I won't get all into it but you guys, if I posted the email my other sister sent in response to me telling the preggo sister to stop sending me crap like her u/s pics...You would all just die. I swear I wasn't off the wall or mean. Pissy and hurt, yes. But anyone else would've cut me slack for the state I'm in. And so *they're* mad at *me*!! I'm the bad guy! They both dumped on me in emails of course it happened to be this weekend while I was finally miscarrying! And now my parents are basically asking me to just get over it so that we can all make nice for Christmas. I don't feel like being the bigger person here, and what's more I don't feel like anyone should be bugging me with this bull**** and asking me to forgive. How about they come apologize to me?!

Anyway, I just haven't been able to stop crying today. I just want to crawl into a hole and make the world stop and cry and cry it all out. I want them all to leave me alone. So sorry for the huge pity party but you guys are the only ones I feel like I can really let this all out to. DH has been amazing, as have a couple of IRL friends - I'm luckier than most, I know. But I feel like after 2.5 weeks of this, they're all getting tapped out and tired of my sadness and whining.

I'll try to catch up and do some personals later...just really needed to come here and vent before I burst. Thanks for listening.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

megan- i am so sorry you are having a hard time. Losing a baby is the lonliest thing ever and to not have your family supporting you just sucks! I would not do christmas with the family under those circumstances, I personally would just tell them to shove it!

I know what you mean about fealing like you have tapped out everyone irl. I definately feel that way as emerics loss was not very long ago and I am still dealing with it and all the emotions that come with that and now a new loss. I haven't been able to reach out at all this time and not really anyone has offered  it is very lonely and very sad.

I work outside of the home as a nanny to 3 little ones ages 10 months, 2 1/2, and 4 1/2. I bring my almost 2 yr old dd w/ me on tues and thurs as dh has class. I just started the job in late september (I started about 6 wks after Emeric's death) as I had been looking for work since my nanny job of 11.5 yrs where I took all of my kiddos with me (actually the girls were at our house or in the car mostly) ended in may. I was having a hard time finding work bcs I was pg. I was hired in late june to be a nanny of an infant but he died in utero at 36 wks due to a cord accident (about 1 wk after they hired me) so about a month after emeric died I had an interview for a temporary position that would go until the end of dec. and was hired. The circumstances for her job and grant have changed and I will probably be working till march. The family is wonderful and the mom was just amazing giving me last week off and taking it easy on me this week. I actually find being out of my house away from reminders of all of the crap that is going on easier so it is working for us. Plus we tend to over spend when we have a dead baby so it is good we have some income coming in.

My day off was great! It started off really crappy as I had several bad dreams about both emeric and then pepper and about my bff that just dumped me a month ago and just woke up so lonely and feeling so crappy. Dh let me sleep in which was awesome and rare as he is NOT a morning person. Then dd went down for an early nap and I got the house picked up, papers organized, laundry put away. I had someone I hardly know check in on me (she has lost 2 children), another friend I haven't heard from in a while also checked up on me and a fb friend sent me a beautiful ornament for emeric. We are heading to church tonight so overall a decent day. I am glad it turned around and I don't feel as lonely. This thing w my old bff is just killing me though. I just don't get the whole thing. It is somewhat of a relief as she just wasn't there for me when emeric died and i could tell things just weren't right with us but it still feels so lonely.

Hope everyone is hanging in there. Please know that you are alone, even though we are only online friends we get it. You guys are awesome!!!


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> Well said Laura, I was feeling the same thing.
> 
> ...










Honey you are doing exactly what you need to right now. I assure you in the week after my m/c I was NOT a good anything.

I feel you on the body getting back to normal. I was actually happy when I started bleeding again at 10d after my m/c because I had felt betrayed when my body stopped bleeding at five.

I am SOOOOO sorry about your sisters and unfortunately understand that part as well. My "best friend" who is pregnant, and acted like she understood why I couldn't talk to her as much anymore, just completely flipped out about it and accused me of not being a real friend. And you know what? She's just cut off. I blocked her on FB and I will block her e-mail addy and her phone number if I have to. We don't deserve that kind of treatment right now. People act so stupid about m/c; if we had lost our husbands or older children they wouldn't get so bent out of shape that we were less than polite. If they can not give us a break when we are hurting so badly they aren't the kind of people that we need to be around.









Don't apologize for the pity party, we all throw them.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

I love you guys.







So very thankful for this little support group. I think I'd be insane now without you.

Nicole I'm so glad to hear you had such a good day! Wonderful how all of those friends popped up just when you were feeling so lonely.

I'm so so sorry that both of you are being dumped on or ignored by people IRL too. Why does it need to get any worse than it already is?

I ended up writing to my parents asking them to give the barrage of emails and texts trying to make us all just get over it and get along a rest. Told them I'm so much more hurt and a mess than that right now, and just can't deal with it. Asked for a week off. Hopefully they won't now be all bent out of shape too, because that seems to be the way my family is working.....And then I had a big HUGE cry with DH. I mean, I can't remember the last time I've cried like that. And he just sat and held me and let me cry and then say all of the terrible sad things that have been churning around in my head. It was wonderful. So I feel a little bit better now.

Krista you're so right. I've thought that too - if it were any other loss people wouldn't dream of acting this way just a couple weeks out. It's insane. I wish I was as good as you at blocking people out and letting it go. That's always been a weakness for me. This stuff festers,

We're going to watch GLEE which we taped and eat junk food now for a little therapy.







Thanks again for getting it and being here.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Oh also meant to share with you all that I started reading a wonderful book today that I found really helpful, thought some of you might too. A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss: Guidance and Support for You and Your Family by Kohn and Moffitt. It is so compassionate and also practically helpful advice, covers miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Has great chapters on things like helping living children with loss, dealing with others' reactions, coping with infertility and loss together, a chapter for fathers and one for grandparents....


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

i just saw this on facebook and wanted to post it in case anyone had something they wanted to add.

Krista, your beautiful drawing came to mind immediately. I sure wish I was artsy like that!

Laura- I ordered 4 copies of waterbugs and dragonflys from our local book store. They were a bit more than on amazon but no cost for shipping and no obligation to buy if I don't like them.


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Megan - Ugh! I'm so sorry for your family situation. I had a very similar situation after my brother and sister posted some really insensitive comments about pregnancy on their Facebook pages right after my SIL told us she was expecting. I was already rocked by her pregnancy and in the midst of the hormone crash, and I sent both my siblings a message explaining how hurt I was and asking them to stop posting about pregnancies (as in: "Three pregnancy announcements in the last two days! At this rate, all my FB friends will be pregnant by March!"). And I asked them to just please tell me that they loved me because I felt all alone. Then I waited ALL DAY and neither one of them replied. My DH ended up calling my sister, and SHE was mad at ME, and I did apologize just to be on speaking terms with her again because I really needed her support.

It just sucks when our families don't get it, especially when we explain in very clear terms what we need. I know it just goes back to the fact that if you've never been there, you can't really understand. But seriously, when someone is telling you flat-out that they are going to go insane if you don't just please stop talking to me about pregnancy for a while, wouldn't you think that would clue you in? I totally feel the hurt of this, and I know it is doubly bad that it is happening to you now, when as you said your hormones are plummeting. I am sending you a thousand







! I hope that your family rallies to support you.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

We miscarried last week. I have two healthy girls 1 and 3, and this pregnancy was a surprise. I had hyper-emesis until about 12 weeks which made it really hard. Then to miscarry at 14 weeks was even more of a shock. DH and I have spent a lot of evenings together just talking and thinking about the baby and processing everything that has happened - and that has been really great. I feel so lucky to have him.

I see a lot of you have trouble with friends and family being supportive. My friends have been supportive, so that I end up avoiding eye contact with everyone when I go out. I appreciate their concern, but I don't know that I want to talk to everybody I see about it. Then when I'm home, I continually check my email to see if anyone has written me, and I'm disappointed that certain people haven't - even though I know they are grieving for me. I think I'm the one who is messed up - It seems nobodies response is good enough. I'm not really sure what I want from people.

I have a sort of strange relationship with my parents who live 10 hours away. They keep calling, wanting to come up to be with us - but I just don't want them to. We're going to spend some time with them in a few weeks for Christmas, and I feel like that's enough. I think they are hurt that I don't need them more, but I feel like their expectations of me are just too much to deal with right now. Plus, they keep crying and sobbing on the phone, and I don't really want to take care of them. They seem to be making this about them when it just isn't. I guess some of you would be grateful for this much support - so perhaps I am being selfish?

The last few months and weeks have been so overwhelming, I'm finding it really hard to return to normal life. How to you post on facebook about what you're baking or listening to after something like this? It just seems strange to talk about normal life.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Nicole, I'm looking at the still life blog; I think I will be spending a while there.

Mom-to-jj I just don't understand how people can be so cruel to a mother that has lost her baby. I have been thinking about this all day and it's just not making any sense to me. I am so sorry that you have had to experience that too.

Wilson I am so sorry that you lost your baby







It is not that you are messed up. I have had people genuinely try to help me too. They just CAN"T though. Our babies are gone and nothing that anyone says will make that hurt less. Don't feel bad because you aren't cheering up and moving on just because you have support; you still have to grieve your baby. No amount of support will be what you need because what you need is your baby. You aren't being selfish you are behaving exactly they way that a woman who lost her baby should behave; nothing they can do will satisfy you now.

About returning to normal life. My baby died 7wks ago tomorrow and her body left mine almost three weeks ago. Things are starting to get back to normal in that I am cooking/cleaning/laughing/living but I'm still not going to the store alone, I can barely drive, sometimes (a lot of the time) I can't answer the phone or answer a simple question and my FB post consist almost entirely of miscarriage support info. If anyone expects anything different from me right now they are out of luck. Life will never be the same for us.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Wilson I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand about not really knowing what you want/expect from people. I kinda hate what everyone says to me, even before they say it. Like I expect it to be horrible. Isn't that stupid? I think we're just slightly resentful that we're going through this and theyre not. And knowing that THEY'RE glad it's us and not them, you know? No one wants to go through this.

As for the facebook stuff. I posted whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. One status would be incredibly sad or a rant. The next might be something hilarious that my son did. No one can tell me (or you) how to greive. If posting random happy things in the midst of your mourning brightens your day for a moment. Do it.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

yes Nicole I'm loving the still life 365 too, thanks so much for sharing that!

momtojj I'm so sorry you were treated so insensitively by your siblings too. That is a very similar situation to mine and I know how painful it is.







Thanks for sharing though, it does help to hear it's not just me.

wilson I'm sorry that you're having to join us here, so very sorry for your loss. I agree with Krista you're totally normal for not knowing what you really need from people and it's also bound to change as you grieve I think. I've felt a lot of that hold me/don't look at me back and forth feeling as well. I'm lucky to have a super supportive and understanding group of close friends and acquaintance mamas, but I find myself backing away from them more and more as I go into a more lonely and introspective phase of mourning.....Ultimately it is a really lonely thing that we can only do by ourselves, and it's hard not to push away and alienate all of those people offering help. Sometimes I find all of their help and sympathy almost maddening lately. I just want to be alone in the quiet.

And I agree, it is hard to return to "normal" life and FB is especially insane for that. All the stupid trivial stuff people are posting and talking about sometimes....I can't imagine having been laid up by the hyperemesis for all that time too. You're going through more than one massive change physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, hormonally.....You still have a lot of time, allow it to yourself. It's so so hard to make all of those adjustments and grieve at the same time. Oh and still have to function and care for kids and a home?!?! It's crazy so








to you.

Krista you're so wise. Seriously, I think you'd be a great grief counselor. I always love reading your responses.

AFM I didn't really cry today and felt a lot more in control of the hormone emotions than yesterday, which isn't saying much but it's something. Also saw my hematologist (I'd been seeing him before the pg for some not too serious stuff and he's the only wonderful doc I have right now) and he's ordered the clotting disorders testing for me. It felt good to jump right on something I can actually do something about like the testing.

I started really cramping and bleeding again today though and even passed some more tissue this morning. Hummm...trying not to worry about it and be patient and trust my body, but....I keep having some cervical pain/pressure/ickiness and can't decide if it's because there's tissue still there putting pressure on it, or maybe it's just very sensitive/upset between the work of the miscarriage and then the manhandling by the OB yesterday. Thoughts and experiences? I still have no sign of infection and no seriously bad pain, just crappy period-type cramps on and off and the cervical stuff....I feel like I shouldn't be still so crampy 3 full days post-loss, right?

Of course I have no OB to call up with this question now....I guess I could try my family doctor if I were really concerned....But I'm really wondering what you guys have known to be "normal"....My first loss was so much earlier and quick and "clean", the spotting and cramping were done within 12 hours of passing tissue.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

sorry BCB (and everyone else) just realized that comment about "trivial" stuff people post on FB might sound harsh and directed at you guys. Didn't mean it that way at all. Only meant it's hard to be reading about everyone who's not grieving going about their normal lives, fussing over things like the design of the new profile and such when I'm just thinking, "another baby's dead and I might not ever be able to be pregnant again..." and such. It's great that you're able to find that joy in the midst of being sad, and give yourself permission to feel all of it. I need to get better at that side of it....


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

With my first loss I got everything out in three hours. With Benjamin I passed placenta chunks for a week and labored a little each day. With Kadence I bled five days and stopped then started again. Just a couple of days ago I passed another bit of placenta and am still spotting and cramping randomly. I'm not worried, my body is expelling what it can when it can. I think it's pretty normal for the body to stop contracting after the placenta is out (mostly) and to let go of the rest of the little bits over time. Many women say that they don't feel their m/c was complete until they had their next period. I have heard of women passing bits weeks after the m/c. IME that cervic pressure means something is there and working it's way out. I'm taking lots of vitamin C, no signs of infection.

Thank you for your kind words. <3


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> sorry BCB (and everyone else) just realized that comment about "trivial" stuff people post on FB might sound harsh and directed at you guys. Didn't mean it that way at all. Only meant it's hard to be reading about everyone who's not grieving going about their normal lives, fussing over things like the design of the new profile and such when I'm just thinking, "another baby's dead and I might not ever be able to be pregnant again..." and such. It's great that you're able to find that joy in the midst of being sad, and give yourself permission to feel all of it. I need to get better at that side of it....


Oh I must haev misread. I thought you meant YOU couldn't bring yourself to post the typical things you would usually post, because it seemed trivial after a loss. But you talking about other peoples posts.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Ha! Now that I go back and reread wilson's post I'm pretty sure you're right BCB and I was just off on my own FB tangent.








It's kind of related I guess...But yeah, I have trouble with both.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Oh crap. Let me make this even MORE confusing for you guys for a sec.

Ap. When you replied to my post... I thought you WERE wilson. So I replied to your post thinking you were Wilson... Saying you should post whatever makes you feel better on facebook. Lol. Sorry this is rediculously confusing. Your post about "trivial" things on facebook didn't offend or upset me at all. I wasn't even intending to reply to that. I was trying to reply to wilson. lol. Sorry for the massive confusion.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

reading all of your confusion gave me a little smile this morning. Thanks all of you for your kind words. 

I'm trying to FINALLY put the laundry away, then I think I'm going to get out of the house and away from the computer for the day. I think I need a change of pace. Hope all of you have a good day.


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

wilson - I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm glad you do have support from family and friends, even though of course nothing they can say or do is good enough. How could it be?

ITA with everyone on the Facebook thing! I went through and deleted a bunch of my personal info off my profile. I just feel like I'm not "me" anymore. Now I'm a woman I hate, a woman who has repeat losses. I don't want anyone to know that person, and everything else is totally trivial. I rarely ever change my status anymore. We only told a select handful of people IRL about this loss, so I'm not free to express my emotions publicly on FB, and so what's the point? The "About Me" spot under my profile pic only says cryptically, "Should be. Isn't." Because I feel like I have to say that I should be pregnant right now, and it sucks to be me, but I can't really say it. IDK.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> I started really cramping and bleeding again today though and even passed some more tissue this morning. Hummm...trying not to worry about it and be patient and trust my body, but....I keep having some cervical pain/pressure/ickiness and can't decide if it's because there's tissue still there putting pressure on it, or maybe it's just very sensitive/upset between the work of the miscarriage and then the manhandling by the OB yesterday. Thoughts and experiences? I still have no sign of infection and no seriously bad pain, just crappy period-type cramps on and off and the cervical stuff....I feel like I shouldn't be still so crampy 3 full days post-loss, right?
> 
> Of course I have no OB to call up with this question now....I guess I could try my family doctor if I were really concerned....But I'm really wondering what you guys have known to be "normal"....My first loss was so much earlier and quick and "clean", the spotting and cramping were done within 12 hours of passing tissue.


Did you have a follow-up u/s? My m/c happened on a Saturday night, and I thought it was complete. On Monday I had the weirdest feeling "down there." I'm not sure how to describe it. Not exactly cramping, but like uber sensitivity. Like, drive-me-nuts-whole-pubic-area sensitivity. So I don't know, maybe that's like your "cervicial ickiness." I saw a very small amount of gray tissue, and the strange feeling went away. In retrospect, I believe I was feeling the gestational sac, which turned out to be stuck at the top of my cervix and was removed by my OB two days later.

So from what you're describing, it would not surprise me if your body is still working on some stuff. After my first loss, I had a perfectly clear u/s, and about a month later I had some diarrhea-like cramps, and when I went to the bathroom a small clot about half as long as my pinky finger came out. It was in there for whole month--I was shocked. Since you're just three days out, I don't know that I personally would be concerned, since my past experiences have each involved more than just one incidence of passing tissue. However, I know I'll always get a follow-up u/s since this last time I might have had that gestational sac in there indefinitely, and probably would have ended up with an infection until the retained tissue was discovered. (And I just really hate that I have a plan for what I will do "next time" I miscarry. Ugh.)


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

wilson- I am sorry for your loss but glad that you have found us.

ap- I would definately get an u/s to confirm everything has passed if you aren't feeling "right" if anything it will ease your mind. I got one this time bcs it made me feel like i was doing something and heck the insurance covers it so why not. This time I had a huge clot stuck in my cervix that the u/s didn't pick up but I have had them with past losses and knew to look for it, I took it out myself and then felt fine.

as far as fb goes we hadn't announced this pg on there but i cryptically discuss the loss, everyone just assumes that I am still going on about Emeric (and in a way I am). It works for me.

AFM- back to not sleeping well. I still feel pregnant and that sucks the big one. Nauseau, exhaustion, moodiness, etc. I got a pos hpt at cd9, I will be cd14 tomorrow and will take another hpt then and see if it is clear. I have a dr appt. scheduled mid jan for recurrent loss testing.

I had a dream the other night that the u/s was wrong and that i had been carrying twins and only passed one and the other one had been hiding in there and I was still pg. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. then I woke up feeling like crap bcs I know that I am not pg and the dream is NOT true but i sooooooo want it to be.

I am hoping to decorate emerics grave (and i guess it is peppers too now) tomorrow with the family but dh doesn't want to do it and i really don't want to force anyone but don't want to go w/out another adult either. We will see how it goes but I have a pretty tree and lots of ornaments. I think it will be fun! I am just trying to figure out how to include my little one in our festivities. This sucks not one should have to think about this crap.

Hoping to get the holiday decorations up at some point as the kids really want us to but dh never likes to do it and my heart just isn't into it this year. We will see.

Didn't have to go to work until 11:30 today which is nice bcs I am really having a hard time functioning.

Hope that everyone is hanging in there and has a decent day.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> .
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you're still feeling pg 

I've had dreams too, about it being twins, triplets even. But in my dreams it's that I'm miscarrying the other twin. I'm not sad though. I'm saying "I KNEW there were two. I'm SO glad I didn't take the miso or I would have killed the twin!" Sooo weird... Part of me did think there was twins IRL. I was on clomid after all.

I hope you get some holiday decorations up. It's really helping me, having the tree out. Seeing William play with the decorations... I'm so thankful for him.

I'm sorry dh won't go to the grave with you. Hopefully someone will.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Ap, it took me a week to pass all the tissue. I had 2 days of really heavy bleeding, then just moderate, off and on bleeding but things felt weird still. When I checked, there was a little bit of something sticking out of my cervix. The midwife checked it out, gave me meds to try to help me along, but it still took a few days. I had some serious cramping all of a sudden, then passed a mass of tissue. The next day it was the same, then I felt different and knew it was complete. It seemed to take forever. That was long winded, sorry.

I am in this weird space in my head... One of my good friends just had her baby this morning, and us talking about our adoption plans inspired them to conceive this baby. Then I lost my adopted baby plans when I found out I was pregnant, then I lost my bio baby. Another friend at our weekly homeschool group is a few weeks ahead of where we would have been and she is beautiful and feeling the baby move and I am so happy for her and so sad for me.

I hate going anywhere that will put me with people I know that I haven't seen since the miscarriage. Nothing kills a mood like answering "How is your pregnancy going?" with "Um, well... etc." I know they just don't know what to say, but it is so hard when they say something insensitive. (I got "Well, I guess the baby didn't want to spend Christmas with us!", "You weren't THAT far along" and "It's for the best, now you can adopt!")

I want to talk about it but I dread talking about it. I want my baby aknowledged but I want to forget it. I worry about talking about it too much. I want to talk about the details, but who wants to hear about clots and tissue and how I could never find my baby in the toilet full of blood or the masses of tissue that came out?

I was fine not ever being pregnant again. Now I long for it.

I am so glad you are talking, so glad always to read your words and know there is somewhere I can go that women are talking about this and loving each other through it.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> Ap, it took me a week to pass all the tissue. I had 2 days of really heavy bleeding, then just moderate, off and on bleeding but things felt weird still. When I checked, there was a little bit of something sticking out of my cervix. The midwife checked it out, gave me meds to try to help me along, but it still took a few days. I had some serious cramping all of a sudden, then passed a mass of tissue. The next day it was the same, then I felt different and knew it was complete. It seemed to take forever. That was long winded, sorry.
> 
> ...


I just want to hug you and cry with you reading that. I can't get over people saying those things to you first of all. That's just beyond anything I could even imagine. There is no way I could have reacted civilly to the Christmas comment especially, that's so flippant and mean. But I imagine you were probably so stunned you couldn't even react. I'm so so sorry people have been that insensitive to you and you keep getting stuck having these conversations.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Oh and thanks everyone for sharing your experiences with how long it took to really be complete....I *think* I'm done now but we'll see. Cramps keep starting back up mid-morning but today after that the bleeding really tapered off to not even really spotting now. And haven't had any of that cervical pain/pressure since yesterday so perhaps that was the last of the tissue. Fingers crossed. DH's hounding me to get off the computer and spend time with him so gotta go!


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> I hate going anywhere that will put me with people I know that I haven't seen since the miscarriage. Nothing kills a mood like answering "How is your pregnancy going?" with "Um, well... etc." I know they just don't know what to say, but it is so hard when they say something insensitive. (I got "Well, I guess the baby didn't want to spend Christmas with us!", "You weren't THAT far along" and "It's for the best, now you can adopt!")


 That is so awful. I seriously cannot believe they said that. I would honestly say something back. I know it's hard to at the time but crap.

What I sometimes say to people who downplay our loss is "yes we know we can try again, (or adopt or whatever) but that doesn't make this loss hurt any less"

Know what someone said to me after my first loss? (They hadn't known I was pg yet) "So the lovin's good then, eh?"

Uh. Yeah. I had sex... What are you, 13?


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Haven't read anything, I'm just really damn depressed and emotionally drained today, but you are ALL in my thoughts, and I will get caught back up tomorrow. Love you guys.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *L J*
> 
> Haven't read anything, I'm just really damn depressed and emotionally drained today, but you are ALL in my thoughts, and I will get caught back up tomorrow. Love you guys.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

lj- sorry you are having a hard time!!!

Must be in the air, I am really struggling right now. I think I am going to need to get on st johns wart or something. Just got out of bed and dh isn't doing any better than me and is still sleeping, my house is trashed as 8 yr old boys aren't the most reliable

babysitters.









We are planning on going to the cemetary today to decorate Emeric (and peppers) grave. I have the cutest little tree and tons of ornaments and am planning on bringing hot cocoa and marshmallows! I will post pics when I can.

No other plans besides that which is good cuz i am just not moving well.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Thinking of you all.










Had a dream last night that I passed the baby, she was teeny tiny and living in a bubble. Fully dressed and taking her hat of, actually! It was cute and funny and sad.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *L J*
> 
> Haven't read anything, I'm just really damn depressed and emotionally drained today, but you are ALL in my thoughts, and I will get caught back up tomorrow. Love you guys.


Hugs.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> lj- sorry you are having a hard time!!!
> 
> ...


Hugs to you too. Glad you get to go to the grave today.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> Thinking of you all.
> 
> ...


Aww. I have a lot of dreams like that. Hugs.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> Another friend at our weekly homeschool group is a few weeks ahead of where we would have been and she is beautiful and feeling the baby move and I am so happy for her and so sad for me.
> 
> ...


This is exactly how I feel. My dear friend and I got pregnant at the same time, and I'm really happy for her and all the happy little moments she's having right now. But it is a sad happiness, too, because I thought we were going to go through it all together. I feel so conflicted all the time, not knowing whether I want to go our or stay in.

This pregnancy was a surprise and it was so hard because I was so sick. I was certain that I just couldn't go through the morning sickness again and so this would be the last one. But now, even though I still don't want to go through it again, I am longing for another baby. It doesn't make sense when I was so unprepared for this little one.


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## tippy (Mar 9, 2008)

i can relate. i was happy to not be pg anymore after i had J. and i was happy to not have to think about getting pg again for another 2 yrs. i had a easy pg too, but i was just so glad that i had my body back. and now i would give anything to be pg again. i never understood how ppl could say that they loved being pg. but i know that no matter how hard the next one is i will LOVE being pg. losing a baby has turned me into a pathetic, obsessive person that thinks about getting pg every sec. i just long to fill my empty arms.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I know what you guys mean. Emeric wasn't planned but now I really really long to be pg again. It is so hard!

Just got back from the cemetary. The kids did a good job and it was fun.

Emeric's Special tree.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I love Emeric's tree! Glad it was good for you guys.

Yeah, the stinky thing about wanting to be pregnant again is I don't think we CAN, and I don't want to obsess about it! Emmanuel was a surprise after 7 years of not avoiding, many of those actively hoping and trying to conceive. I am 42. I suppose anything can happen, but I don't want to go down the monthly heartbreak road again if I can help it.

Tiffany, you WILL love it, even if you are barfing your toenails up. You are NOT pathetic, you are a Momma that is hurting for your baby.









Wilson, one of my very good friends (a different one than the park day friend) and I were talking on the phone last night, she is 6 months pregnant and we were so excited to be pregnant together. I told her that, even though I may cry while I'm hugging her or later when I hold her baby, I still really need to be there and experiencing it with her.

Sometimes I think nothing will make sense in the normal way again.

Have any of you had red spotting before your cycle returned? I had 5 days of no blood after the miscarriage, then I've had spotting a few times a day, bright red, very small clots sometimes. My cervix hurts today too. My breasts have been sore since the day before the spotting started, which has been a week, so maybe I will have a period soon? I don't want to call the midwife yet again... I've been fighting a yeast infection too!


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> Oh and thanks everyone for sharing your experiences with how long it took to really be complete....I *think* I'm done now but we'll see. Cramps keep starting back up mid-morning but today after that the bleeding really tapered off to not even really spotting now. And haven't had any of that cervical pain/pressure since yesterday so perhaps that was the last of the tissue. Fingers crossed. DH's hounding me to get off the computer and spend time with him so gotta go!


Wanted to update; I passed a tiny bit more placenta today. VERY deteriorated but definitely placenta. I stopped bleeding a couple of days ago and today had pink mucousy discharge. I feel perfectly normal physically. I don't really think this one is going to be complete until my period comes; my uterus doesn't seem all that worried about getting this stuff out right away.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Sagewinna with my first m/c I o'd 14d's later and my period started one week after that because my progesterone was really low; so I had my first period just three weeks after the m/c. Maybe this is your period? Of course it's also possible that some stuff is still hanging out in there and your body is letting it go now. I stopped bleeding for five days after I lost Kadence and then started bleeding/spotting and passing things again.








's to everyone else and Nicole, Emeric's tree is great <3


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Hope everyone is having a decent weekend. Sat. is my sleep in day and I didn't get up until after 10 so far so good. I have therapy at 2pm so that should be good as well.

Just thinking of everyone here and am so grateful that all of you ladies are here for me, it has really helped me through this challenging time.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> Hope everyone is having a decent weekend. Sat. is my sleep in day and I didn't get up until after 10 so far so good. I have therapy at 2pm so that should be good as well.
> 
> Just thinking of everyone here and am so grateful that all of you ladies are here for me, it has really helped me through this challenging time.


Glad you got to sleep. I slept in too. I actually got up on my own, before DS and DH. I feel rested.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Wow crazy. I passed a chunk of placenta probably 4 or 5 days PP but thank goodness that was the end of it. Think the mucousy stuff could be fertile signs already? Your body seems to get back on track easily.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> Yeah, the stinky thing about wanting to be pregnant again is I don't think we CAN, and I don't want to obsess about it! Emmanuel was a surprise after 7 years of not avoiding, many of those actively hoping and trying to conceive. I am 42. I suppose anything can happen, but I don't want to go down the monthly heartbreak road again if I can help it.
> 
> Have any of you had red spotting before your cycle returned? I had 5 days of no blood after the miscarriage, then I've had spotting a few times a day, bright red, very small clots sometimes. My cervix hurts today too. My breasts have been sore since the day before the spotting started, which has been a week, so maybe I will have a period soon? I don't want to call the midwife yet again... I've been fighting a yeast infection too!


I hope you can conceive again.  Did you do any fert treatments in that 7 years? Perhaps it could help. CLomid is a miracle worker for me.

I stopped bleeding after 2 weeks, the spotted/light bleed for a couple days, and then it stopped for good. 3 weeks of bleeding in total. I haven't had any pre-af spotting yet. I do normally get some but not for another day or 2. So we will see. I think a miscarriage can cause pre-af spotting. Or this cycle could be anov, and it's breakthrough spotting.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> I know what you guys mean. Emeric wasn't planned but now I really really long to be pg again. It is so hard!
> 
> ...


LOVELY tree. I just love it. What a special thing to do for your baby...

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tippy*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Me too! I'm totally obsessive. I feel completely empty right now. Empty and broken. What's wrong with my body? Why is it so hard to conceive and then I just lose it anyways?! I wan't nothing more than to be pg again....


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

thanks for all of the compliments on emerics tree. That makes me







. It felt good to do it.

I am going to pick up some scrapbook inserts while they are still on sale and keep working on my angel baby scrapbook. I decided to do one for ALL of my angels.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

That's awesome nicole. I've printed some pics and things to scrapbook my angels as well. When the scrapbooking stuff is on sale on boxing day we're gonna be in trouble lol.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I really, really hope this is my period trying to start. I am cramping pretty bad and having stabby twingy cervix pain. I have so much to do this weekend and I just want to curl up in a ball.

BC, we went through a lot in the quest to conceive our DD (my older 2 are from my first marriage). Clomid makes me absolutely nuts, 2 months and I couldn't do it anymore. We did everything short of IVF/ICSI, that's where we weren't willing to go, and after her I just didn't ever want to jump on the infertility treatment wagon again. It was 2 years of emotional roller coaster for me. We've always been open if it happens, and we definitely use fertile days 90% of the time.

I usually enjoy the holidays so much, but I just feel stressed and overwhelmed by the whole thing right now. Parties and gift and cooking for potlucks and and and and... ugh.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> I really, really hope this is my period trying to start. I am cramping pretty bad and having stabby twingy cervix pain. I have so much to do this weekend and I just want to curl up in a ball.
> 
> ...


yeah I hear you. IVF is very expensive and invasive. I've done a total of 9 rounds of clomid so far.  If I'm not pg now Itll be 10. Clomid is good to me though. No s/e. Which is nice. Last thing I need is a reminder of my infertility


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:

Originally Posted by *bcblondie* 

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> 
> > Wanted to update; I passed a tiny bit more placenta today. VERY deteriorated but definitely placenta. I stopped bleeding a couple of days ago and today had pink mucousy discharge. I feel perfectly normal physically. I don't really think this one is going to be complete until my period comes; my uterus doesn't seem all that worried about getting this stuff out right away.
> ...


Yep, I think it was. I was very doubtful yesterday because I still had stuff coming out but last night my right ovary started hurting intensely like it does every time I O. I think I have a cyst on it that gets bigger when I O; it's done this since before I conceived my last living baby. It's been almost three weeks since I birthed her body so I'm not too surprised but I really thought having stuff in there still would stop it.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

krista- do you know if you still have hcg in your system? Just wondering if what you have in there wasn't causing enough hcg to release therefore allowing your body to begin to o?

Also, it is interesting that your placenta seems to come out in pieces. Mine was whole just like with my live births. (this time I was 17 wks pg with a complete 17 wk placenta and Emeric was about 13-14wks, I had a 12.5 wk loss where the baby had passed around 7 wks or so and had been fully absorbed but had a fully complete 12.5 wk placenta). Interesting how it is so different for everyone and each loss can be different as well.

I really feel for those of you that have dealt with and are dealing with infertility. That isn't my experience so I don't know how it feels but can only imagine how much it adds to the pain. Just knowing that dh doesn't even want to discuss the option of adding anyone to our family for 6 months is really hard. So i can imagine that trying to get pg and seeing neg after neg must just be excruciating. my thoughts and prayers are with all of you dealing with this struggle.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I just can't handle taking a test to find out for sure if the HCG is gone. I never took a pg test with Kadence.... I honestly don't want to take one ever again. I took SO many with my blighted ovum and with benjamin because things felt "off" and those two stupid lines just lied to me. I know it's irrational and misplaced anger but I HATE HPT's now. But yeah, I would think it is at this point though for me to be o'ing.

The placenta with my blighted ovum was REALLY in pieces. Like two or three big chunks but it all came out in the 3.5hr labor. With Benjamin there was one big piece that almost looked whole but from studying how to examine placenta's to see if they were complete I learned enough to know that it was not all there. I passed another part of it almost immediately after I told my husband it wasn't all out and then more little pieces every couple of days for a week. With Kadence I just didn't take the time to examine it at all but I expected that with her being dead for a month that it would be deteriorated quite a bit. Her's seemed to be more intact then Benjamin's though and he was only dead for 2wks; the pieces that have come out since I had her have been very small.

It is weird the differences. Some women's babies seem to deteriorate as well whereas mine haven't; they seem quite well preserved by the amniotic fluid. I've also heard of full term births where the placenta came out in chunks (healthy natural births with no interference).


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Well, 19 days later here I am on CD 1. My cervix hurts and I'm cramping like crazy. Feeling tired and beat up and just blech.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

My period after my first m/c was like that and I bled like CRAZY. It's such a slap in the face to get the physical suffering all over again. I'm sorry you are not having an easy period; I hope it gets better and doesn't last too long.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

sagewinna- booo for af. that sucks. I am so sorry it is a rough one.

krista- i think the reason that my placentas haven't deteriorated is they keep working until the very last min. even if the baby has already been gone a long time, i don't know it is interesting how it is all so different, contributes to this loneliness that we have because even if other women have been through "it" no experience is the same.

AFM- I think i need to get on the st johns wart for reals now. I am going to pick some up today. I am having trouble dragging myself out of bed. Yesterday was an extra down day and there wasn't a particular reason for it, just bleck and of course I couldn't sleep last night bcs my brain was moving 100 miles a min. My very old dog (16 yrs) is arthritic and blind and deaf. He is having trouble sleeping lately and is waking up in the middle of the night and moving around the house just crashing into stuff, contributing to me (and ocassionally the kids) being awake. We need to consider putting him down but I am just not sure that we can do that right now.

Off to church this morning (if we can make it out of the house) and hoping that makes me feel better.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Nicole do you take B vitamins? They are good for mood too. I did st john's wort with Benjamin and this time too; I didn't use much of it though so can't really say how much it helped me. What seems to be helping me the most is drawing or even just writing down random words on paper, just whatever is in my mind. I am SO sorry about your dog :-( I had a dog that I got when I was three and had put down when I was 16. That was over 11 years ago and it's still easily one of the hardest things I've ever done and I still cry whenever I hear of someone else's dog like that. Maybe there is something (bach's rescue remedy for pets ?) that you could give him to help him sleep. I would think postponing another loss would be a good idea right now.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I don't take b vitamins but my prenatals ran out a few days after I had pepper and I just didn't refill them. It was like adding insult to injury, really. I picked up a bottle of prenatals today as I know that I should take them for a min. of 6wks after the loss to preferably 6 months and I am still nursing dd (almost 2) so it definately won't hurt. Also picked up a bottle of st. johns wart and bachs "star of bethleham" for trauma and shock. I am just trying to figure out how to disipate the alcohol from the tincture before taking it. I put it in a small saucer of boiling water and waited about 5 min. It was still too boozy so I am not sure waht to do. I do not do alcohol at all preferably not in any form but if i must for medicinal reasons it needs to be as diluted as possible. Any ideas?

I was eating dinner tonight and felt a sharp cramp on my left ovary, it happened a few more times. It was pretty uncomfortable so I got up to take some tylenol (plus I have had a constant headache since i had pepper so I thought that tylenol would help) well I gushed right through my pants. So I am bleeding again (not spotting), WTH! I am on cd17 and haven't blead since cd5. No clots or anything yet and cervix feels closed.

I am going to start journaling (can't draw worth a darn though) as my therapist suggested and it does help, just hadn't occured to me this time. Also going to try to scrapbook a little tonight once I get the kids down.

Hope everyone is hanging in there.

LJ- haven't heard from you in a while, you doing ok?


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Nicole I'm sorry your bleeding heavy again. I have no idea what it is... I guess something was stuck...


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

If I were going to dilute it I would do just that, water it down. Many tinctures say to add them to a glass of water anyway.

I'm sorry you are bleeding again :-(

You don't have to be able to draw well to get healing from it. Lately I've just been drawing whatever comes out not caring what it looks like. I even did a stick figure drawing. If it's not your thing I understand but don't think that you can't do it because you don't have a knack for drawing.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

well the bleeding has slowed and no clots passed so who jnows what that was. it was really heavy at first. so strange.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Miscarriage bleeding always seems to be so screwy! I got off lucky by having 2 days of nothing, and then a week more bleeding, really.


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Nicole - Fish oil is supposed to be a mood booster, too. I almost never eat fish, so I bought some fish oil capsules right after my m/c. If you try it, just be sure to get "odorless" or something like that, or else fish oil causes terrible fishy-tasting burps. Who knows about post-m/c bleeding?! After my first m/c, I had some cramping a full month afterward and passed a small clot. I guess our bodies know what they're doing, but it's frustrating to have no idea what's going on.

AFM: A friend of mine just had a m/c at 6 weeks. It sort of snapped me back to reality...I was getting so focused on myself, how it wasn't fair that this happened to me, how there must be something wrong with me, etc. It's helping me to be feeling bad for her instead of for myself. I'm thinking of making a meal for her this week or getting her some little item to remember her baby by. Her DH doesn't want to tell anyone, so I want to be sure to be there for her since she won't have a lot of support.

Still trying to figure out my cycle. I've had some spotting almost every day, even though AF was normal and I stopped bleeding afterward. Now I'm on CD 13 and haven't O'd yet, even though I always O on CD 11. I wish I would have taken some soy to sort of kick start it. I feel like I have to control my body now...since I had no control over the loss, I guess.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

the lady at whole foods did suggest fish oil but with $75 worth of supplements in my cart I just couldn't do it. If I planned ahead I could have saved money on line but I just needed it now.

Off to work this morning but I am sure struggling. Getting out of bed is a daunting task. uggg. I think this last loss just pushed me over the edge. I was functioning a little but now I am just doing the motions, may appear like functioning to outsiders but I am not really present.

mom to jj I think you can expect your cycle to be a bit longer after a m/c, that is just hte way it is. What are your pp cycles like?

Hope everyone has a decent day today.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

We buried baby Nicholas yesterday.

It was sad, but beautiful too. We read Psalm 30 and prayed the Trisagion for the Dead. We got the first snow of the year yesterday, so it was very cold. Our two little girls were bundled up in a blanket, so we kept it short for them. Even though it was very small and simple, I am very glad we did this. I feel a great peace for Nicholas now.

Hope you are all feeling well soon.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

I totally get that feeling of wanting to control your body, *mom-to-jj,* wanting to control anything really, after m/c making you feel so utterly out of control. Sorry so many of us are dealing with wacky bleeding to add to that out of control feeling.









Cod Liver Oil really will help with a lot of things, I swear by it. Our diets are so deficient in Omega 3s especially and they help smooth out the hormones and depression a lot. I had slacked off taking it for weeks and have been forcing myself to remember, and coincidence or not I feel much more stable since I've been back on it. Still super sad and lots of other emotions, but just....less out of control and nutso. Oh and the liquid stuff is much more economical than capsules. Many more doses for the money. Nordic Naturals makes flavored ones that really I don't think are bad at all, now that I'm used to them I kinda like them.

AFM, my bleeding seems to have finally stopped completely, which is a relief. Hardest thing I'm dealing with is still my damned sisters, not speaking to either of them and still I'm the one feeling guilty when really I still feel I was the one wronged. And it's outrageous that neither of them has still realized how insensitive and not understanding they've been. Makes me really sad that we might just have to not speak and see each other for months and months....I still feel way too upset and raw to even fathom seeing the pregnant one.

Has anyone had the experience of feeling very differently about different pregnant women in your life? My best friend is about 22 weeks but unlike my sister this is a very wanted second baby. I guess because she's experienced an early loss and trying for almost a year, I don't resent her like I do my sis. In fact, I'm really happy and excited for her and feel kind of a vicarious enjoyment of her pregnancy even now. I mean, it's still hard to see her belly and think about how she's going to get to hold her baby in a few short months....But I don't hate her at all or want to avoid her. I do however hate my sister, and can't think my way out of it. Not only were they not trying (were almost broken up, hardly seeing each other but yet not using birth control?!), but they even considered terminating. And yet she gets a perfect blood-free pregnancy so far. It's not like I'm so deluded that I don't logically get that fairness has nothing to do with it and that's not a good reason to hate her....But I can't help these feelings. Maybe it also has to do with how understanding and considerate and open and honest my friend's reaction has been to this loss versus my sister's. I dunno....

Anyway I'm just really struggling with these feelings and wondering if it's just my particular situation or not. I find it strange that I'm not just resenting and avoiding any and all pregnant women or infants. Only certain ones.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

*wilson* glad that your memorial brought you some peace, it sounds beautiful.


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Nicole - Thank you for asking. I'm.... eh. You know.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog - my 12 year old cat is dying right now. He escaped from my parents' garage (he lives with them b/c DP is allergic) and stayed gone for 3 days. They found him yesterday and he was about half dead. I sat and held him for 4 hours straight, to warm him back up. His mind is gone, though, and it has been for a while now. He apparently got into a fight with another animal during his adventure and his mouth is so swollen he can't eat or drink. I think we are going to have to have him put down. Breaks my heart. He is the best cat I've ever know.

Emeric's tree is beautiful, by the way.

I am not trying to get pregnant at the moment, or anytime soon, so I've been walking around in a pharmaceutical induced zombie state. I hate the way I feel. I am on all these meds, and I still feel awful. I can't sleep, I don't want to be awake, I don't enjoy anything anymore. This is some deep and dark depression that I have fallen into. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

Thinking about you all... just don't have enough sense to offer any wisdom or encouragement.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Laura. I know it's hard to see the way out right now, but you will find it somehow. Keep treading water and you'll get there.


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## downvalleygirl (Dec 8, 2007)




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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Does anyone know if pathology tests are routinely done? I got a bill from my hospital that was for "pathology/histology." I didn't have a D&C, but my OB had to pull out the gestational sac b/c it was stuck at the top of the cervix. I did NOT request any testing to be done and assumed it was thrown away. My OB even said there was no point in doing any testing because it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack since I had two healthy babies since my last loss. When I called the hospital to dispute the charge, I was told that perhaps the OB's office does some testing as a matter of routine, so I should call them. I left a message for the records office, but nobody has called me back. What the heck? I am torn between refusing flat-out to paying for testing and wanting really bad to know what the test was for and what the results were. Grrr.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'd be flat out refusing to pay...


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> Has anyone had the experience of feeling very differently about different pregnant women in your life? My best friend is about 22 weeks but unlike my sister this is a very wanted second baby. I guess because she's experienced an early loss and trying for almost a year, I don't resent her like I do my sis. In fact, I'm really happy and excited for her and feel kind of a vicarious enjoyment of her pregnancy even now. I mean, it's still hard to see her belly and think about how she's going to get to hold her baby in a few short months....But I don't hate her at all or want to avoid her. I do however hate my sister, and can't think my way out of it. Not only were they not trying (were almost broken up, hardly seeing each other but yet not using birth control?!), but they even considered terminating. And yet she gets a perfect blood-free pregnancy so far. It's not like I'm so deluded that I don't logically get that fairness has nothing to do with it and that's not a good reason to hate her....But I can't help these feelings. Maybe it also has to do with how understanding and considerate and open and honest my friend's reaction has been to this loss versus my sister's. I dunno....
> 
> Anyway I'm just really struggling with these feelings and wondering if it's just my particular situation or not. I find it strange that I'm not just resenting and avoiding any and all pregnant women or infants. Only certain ones.


Totally. When I was pg with my first loss there were two other women I knew who were due the same time. One had nothing but healthy babies, the other's last baby was a stillbirth at term. I was so disgustingly jealous of the one but felt nothing but joy and elation when my other friend had her baby. With my second I experienced the same thing but this time the friend I was ok with had never even had a loss; she was just extremely understanding and compassionate. I think it's normal for us to have that hate/jealousy toward women who disregard us and see pregnancy loss as something that can't happen to them and I think it's normal to be happy for women who've also had losses; it gives us hope <3


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Yeah I'm with you on that one too. There's almost a scale of "deserving-ness." If you're not high enough on that scale I'll be upset with your pregnancy. lol.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mom-to-jj*
> 
> Does anyone know if pathology tests are routinely done? I got a bill from my hospital that was for "pathology/histology." I didn't have a D&C, but my OB had to pull out the gestational sac b/c it was stuck at the top of the cervix. I did NOT request any testing to be done and assumed it was thrown away. My OB even said there was no point in doing any testing because it would be like looking for a needle in a haystack since I had two healthy babies since my last loss. When I called the hospital to dispute the charge, I was told that perhaps the OB's office does some testing as a matter of routine, so I should call them. I left a message for the records office, but nobody has called me back. What the heck? I am torn between refusing flat-out to paying for testing and wanting really bad to know what the test was for and what the results were. Grrr.


I just had a d&c and they said that the pathology is required. I think they can't just throw out any human tissue. The pathology just tests to see what the tissue actually is - fetal tissue, placenta, etc, the quantity and color, and to make sure there isn't something obviously wrong. That was all mine did. They don't do additional tests without talking to you (at least that's what they tell me). I don't know what the histology is.


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

In that case, I'm a little hacked off. If he would have asked if I wanted to pay $120 to find out what kind of tissue he removed, I would have said no. I wish I could have brought it home and buried it. I will definitely raise a stink about paying this bill if they're not even going to be able to give me any additional info.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> I just had a d&c and they said that the pathology is required. I think they can't just throw out any human tissue. The pathology just tests to see what the tissue actually is - fetal tissue, placenta, etc, the quantity and color, and to make sure there isn't something obviously wrong. That was all mine did. They don't do additional tests without talking to you (at least that's what they tell me). I don't know what the histology is.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I haven't received all of my bills yet, but I would think that since it is required (by law?) that insurance should cover this if you have it. But I don't really know that much about my insurance, so I'm not sure.


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## downvalleygirl (Dec 8, 2007)

i think it is so completely lame that you have to be in the dark about this at all. it's your right to know exactly what they did with your baby. how nice it would have been for you to bring your baby home and bury him/her. even with my baby, i felt i was kept in the dark about so much of the testing or lack thereof. something's got to change with this protocol. there should be a momma's advocate at the hospital to help us make such decisions which are so hard to make when your head is reeling, or your body is being tended to or what have you.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I am so sorry for those of you that are dealing (have had to deal with) medical bills. It really is just like adding insult to injury. I have state health insurance so my care was covered 100% with with this recent loss (although it wouldn't have been too high withought, toatled about $300). I passed this baby naturally but I did go in for a u/s on wed. bcs I was bleeding and the baby had a strong hb then went in on fri. night after I had the baby to make sure everything was clear. (if I didn't have insurance I wouldn't have gone in the second time).

With Emeric I had the u/s where we found out he had died, the cytotec which cost me $4 and then paid my mw $500 out of pocket for the care I had received so far and the birth and pp care. It was worth it but when you aren't expecting the expense it is daunting (luckily we had friends and family chip in).

I can't imagine that the dr. would do testing, not discuss it with you ahead of time, and then charge for it. I would fight that if I had it in me.

The pg friend thing is hard. This time anyone that is pg or any new babies is killing me.Especially since we lost pepper and this is it (at least for quite a while).

I only have one close friend that is pg and have only seen her once since she told me. Emeric had been gone 8 wks and we were at the children's museum. She is a really good friend and helped so much after Emeric died. she wan't very tactful about telling me, especially since we were in public, i was a mess and had to hold it all in till I got in the car. Had breakfast with her a few days later (that would have been more appropriate) and I told her that I was happy for her but that it was very hard for me. She told me that it was very hard for her to hear "these sad stories", meaning me talking about Emeric. I haven't seen her since and only talk to her about 1x a wk (sometimes I initiate and sometimes she does) but we used to see eachother and talk a lot more often. She didn't offer any help when we lost pepper. She is my only irl friend right now and I am really struggling. I want to see her and her kids but I think it will be too painful. (She is about as far along as I was when had Emeric). She has never had a loss and I just don't think she gets it at all. I was considering writing her a letter as I am better at that then on the phone and just sharing my feelings with her. Not only how it affects me but what i need from the friendship, also asking what she needs, etc.and then going from there. I don't want to lose her as a friends but I just don't think it will work if we continue it like this.

AFM- started taking the st johns wart on sun and am hoping it kicks in sooner rather than later. Having tons of trouble falling asleep, not sleeping well, and waking up off and on throughout the night (the dog and kids contribute to that but then I can't get back to sleep). Didn't go in to work yesterday bcs I just couldn't function well enough. This just sucks. Still haven't put up our tree, hoping for sat. (my dad will be in town and can help, dh hates christmas (always has) and doesn't want to be a part of it). Putting up Emeric's tree helped a bit, like I was including him. I did a bit of christmas shopping for my kids (thank goodness they didn't want/need much) but that is it for the most part, everyone else will just need to understand. I did get a necklace for my mil with ALL of her grandbabies on it, I think she will like it but it wasn't on the really long list she gave me so who knows.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Nicole, have you tried melatonin? Is a totally natural sleep aid and it really works. It's completely safe for bf'ing too. Melatonin is a natural chemical that our bodies produce to fall asleep. I take it about 30min before I want to go to bed. It kicks in for maybe 20min making me feel REALLY sleepy; if I stay awake through that (because of kids or something) it wears off. I got it as soon as Kadence died because my friend had talked it up so much and I knew from last time that sleep would be hard to come by.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

yeah it didn't work and neither did valarian root. My sleep is better now than it was after emerics death but the loss of pepper just exasperated things. Once I am asleep I am fine unless one of the many distractions wake me up, then getting back to sleep can be a challenge. My mind just runs 100 miles a min.

Today is my last day of work for 2 wks and the kids will be off school. I am looking forward to spending time with them. Hope to get our decorations out and the tree up on sat.

LJ- I bought the waterbugs and dragonflys book you linked and it is good. It is a small (very very small) paperback with black adn white images (think coloring pages). But the story is there and it is nice. I ordered several and am going to give one to emeric for christmas. We can all read it and keep it in his box.

hope everyone is hanging in there.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Dang that sucks :-(

Maybe motherwort would help to calm you down at least?

Are you noticing anything with the st john's wort?


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

haven't tried that yet.

Not noticing anything with the st johns wart yet but it can take several wks (2-4) from what I have heard adn I have been on it 5 days. I am also taking bachs flower star of bethleham and haven't noticed anything with that either. This stuff isn't cheap either and that sucks if it doesn't work. I don't want to go on antidepressants but I am really struggling and am hoping something will do the trick.

I need to journal as I know that helps, plus my councilor suggested it.

Today was my last day of work for the holidays. I now get 2 wks off with my family, hooray. Maybe we will get the tree up?

How is everyone doing?


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I have used motherwort for the physical symptoms of anxiety and it helps for that but not the mental stuff as much. I hope those things start working and soon.

AFM: I've been struggling with anxiety more now. The nighttime anxiety got way better after I talked to you guys about it and realized that it was normal and not a sign of impending doom. But since then it has started happening in the day time as well and the wine is not cutting it anymore. I guess I should look into the bach's rescue remedy but it's so pricey and there are other things we need to buy with any extra money; winter is just so slow for the business.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I started reading this beautiful book today: Naming the Child

The author has a website as well: http://namingthechild.com/

She is an Orthodox Christian, but she also talks about the customs and beliefs of other faiths and cultures. I love how the Japanese have shrines for the unborn children which they call Mizuko, or water babies, that they visit and tend as a regular part of life. She shares stories and includes many resources like the Miss Foundation - which encourages you to do acts of kindness in honor of your baby. They make cards that say, "this random act of kindness was done in loving memory of our beautiful child_________." What a beautiful idea!

I think I am obsessed right now with finding positive ways to honor and remember Nicholas. My husband is buying me a stacking mother's ring from this Etsy seller for Christmas. I've wanted one since my second dd was born, but he never remembered. Now, this need to honor our lost baby was finally enough motivation for him.

What have you done to honor your babies? I love Emeric's Christmas tree!


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

de lurking

I lost my baby at the start of november that baby took me 3years to get pregnant with.

Last weekend i found out a relatives 17yr old daughter is pregnant only found out after confirming it when i called another relative to

see if it was true, turns out she found out she was pregnant when i was loosing my baby. I was telling a friend about it and she said this to me

*"Your making it seem like no one else can get pregnant cause you can't.*

*Don't mean to hurt your feelings but that totally seems like what your saying " *









I wish other people didn't just brush off our grief an make us feel like we don't have the right to be upset


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Hugs SoCali, and so sorry to hear of another loss for you.







My mom said something very similar to me yesterday about my sister being pregnant and I felt the same, that she was minimizing my grief and basically saying 'get over it now and move on'. It sucks but then I decided last night that I have to try to stop wanting them to be more understanding than they're capable of being. Kind of like I feel like I just have to lower my standards, if that makes any sense. It's really sad to me but also gave me a strange sort of peace about some people....

I'll try to get back here to write more later, I've been really MIA from things in general. Cocooning. 3 year old is making me crazy right now....Thoughts and hugs to everyone.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Wilson- things that I have done to remember my lost babies:

-Decorating the grave on holidays - Emeric's tree (of course), and an awesome pumpkin my kids did for halloween.

-I have a few ornaments for the tree

-A makeshift alter in the hallway with pics, candle, prayer cards, etc. We change it up frequently

-Each one of my babies has a memory box with poems, pg tests, any pics, memorabilia of any kind, etc.

-We are going ot do a stocking this year and donate the items to birthright

-I have an awesome bracelet that I got for emeric and just added 3 peas in pod and 3 birth charms for my 3 first tri losses.

- i plan on getting a memorial tattoo on emerics due date.

-started collecting dragon flys

Anything I can think of to remember my babies. etc. etc. etc.

So cal mommy- so sorry you had another loss. That sucks. I am sorry that people say dumb things. It really hurts when they do and just adds to the feeling of lonliness that we already have

AFM- I just picked up emerics photos that I left 2 months ago for the nilmdts photographer to enhance. I am not sure what I was expecting. We talked about lots of things and I just popped the disc in and they aren't done. I am really dissapointed. She changed one photo to black and white. That's it. She didn't crop the one w/ me and emeric like she had said she would, she didn't remove blood, she didn't take away the glare, all of the things she said she would do she didn't. Well I can change it from color to black and white on snapfish! What has she done with the images for the last 2 months? I am just upset adn hurt. I was hoping that the images would be a tad more palatable so that I could share them with others but not really. She only changed ONE picture. I am just really dissapointed!!!


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

* theboysmama~* I'd take them back since she didn't do what she said she was going to do at all, how rude*. *









*apmama07~* My mom actually told me that i need to be happy for C. ummm sure







when pigs fly. I'm dreading having to see her at christmas dinner.

I know what you mean about lowering standards, its so hard to do though. My step toward attempting to be nice is possibly making C a baby blanket for her baby. She's due June 28th and i was due June 12th


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> What have you done to honor your babies? I love Emeric's Christmas tree!


My husband carved two wooden pendants to hold some of my babies' ashes. They hang around my neck; I can't take them off without cutting the strings. I got plain wooden memory boxes to decorate for them. Inside are any reminders of the pg, notes and poems for the babies, pics of them, the blanket/hat I had them in and stuffed bears containing the rest of their ashes. Those sit on my dresser with a framed poem and candle. In our living room I have a picture of each of them with a poem. I photoshopped the pictures to make them more "visitor friendly" and made them in the center of a flower.

Nicole, I'm no expert with photo editing but I would gladly see if I could do anything with emeric's picture and I would guarantee it would only be seen by my family.

I'm also interested in doing sketches of lost babies. I did one for my friend this month for her baby that was lost 18m ago; she loves it. If anyone is interested just pm me.He was the first sketch of a real person I've done so far and I would love to try to hone the skill and give something to other baby loss mamas <3


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

thank you krista and wilson for offering help with the pics.

Sooooooo after reviewing the pics over and over again. I can see where she sharpened the images and made his facial features more defined and clearer which I do really appreciate. I went to snapfish and was able to shade and border and crop them and feel a lot better. I am not sure what I was expecting but I feel like this is all I have left of my son and I want it to be perfect. I think she just forgot to crop the one photo we had discussed adn I think these turned out to be a lot harder than she expected. Oh well. I feel better now. Just sucks that this is all I have left of my son ifykwim.

Krista- I would love a sketch of Emeric, the stick figure that I could muster up wouldn't do him much justice. pm me your e-mail and I can send you a photo or two if you are willing. That would be awesome!

You ladies are so sweet and I just don't know what I would do without this wonderful support group. wish sooooo much that I could meet you guys in real life.


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## downvalleygirl (Dec 8, 2007)

hi everyone, thought i'd introduce myself. i've posted a little bit but hadn't really told my story. today is my son's fifth angel birthday. every year we hang origami cranes on his tree, a ritual i love to do. this year we brought our 3.5 year old into the ceremony. i also have a second rainbow, 4 months. she was there, too! lol

i had a wonderful homebirth with our son, my firstborn. my pregnancy with him was uneventful and after 12 hours of labor we had our baby boy in our arms. he was pink and smooth all over, just beautiful. but he wasn't breathing on his own. we tried stimulation - nothing. he tried to open his right eye but he just couldn't muster the strength. my amazing midwife intubated him and after we got to the hospital it was determined by the doctors that he had no brain activity. that's the short version.

anyways, just wanted to say sorry for all your losses. it's so hard, but having each other makes it doable.

blessings!


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *downvalleygirl*
> 
> hi everyone, thought i'd introduce myself. i've posted a little bit but hadn't really told my story. today is my son's fifth angel birthday. every year we hang origami cranes on his tree, a ritual i love to do. this year we brought our 3.5 year old into the ceremony. i also have a second rainbow, 4 months. she was there, too! lol
> 
> ...


Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Just a quick question - it's been 12 days since my d&c and I'm still bleeding. Not much, in fact, twice I thought it stopped then I'd start cramping and bleeding again. And it's VERY dark and sticky, unlike a period - which is gross (sorry). When will this end? I'm ready for it to go away. Seriously. I'm ready to feel normal again. I don't have any fever or anything so I assume everything is still normal?

also, how long does it take for your cycle to return to normal after a d&c? I see people saying they had a regular 28-30 day cycle almost immediately after a miscarriage - is it the same for a missed miscarriage and d&c?


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I really wish I could tell you when the bleeding would stop. I've never had a d&c but from stories I hear it takes around 3 weeks. My mmc bleeding took 3 weeks. I o'd as soon as my beta was back down to normal.

I have 2 friends who had d&c's recently. One O'd right on time, one o'd on cd 30 or so. I've heard of later or earlier. I think it really depends on the person


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Wow, I figured out multi-quotes!









Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> Just a quick question - it's been 12 days since my d&c and I'm still bleeding. Not much, in fact, twice I thought it stopped then I'd start cramping and bleeding again. And it's VERY dark and sticky, unlike a period - which is gross (sorry). When will this end? I'm ready for it to go away. Seriously. I'm ready to feel normal again. I don't have any fever or anything so I assume everything is still normal?
> 
> also, how long does it take for your cycle to return to normal after a d&c? I see people saying they had a regular 28-30 day cycle almost immediately after a miscarriage - is it the same for a missed miscarriage and d&c?


I don't know about a d&c but my missed m/c at 10 weeks had me still spotting at 12 days. Same as you describe, a couple of times I really thought I was all done and then it reappeared but really little. I'm CD14 now and not spotting at all but still seeing teeniest bits of blood/tissue on occasion, kwim?

And I agree with BCB it seems like it's so varied with cycles returning on time from woman to woman and loss to loss. I tend to be a late O'er and long-cycler anyway....I didn't O till CD30 after my loss at only 5.5 weeks and my first several cycles were pretty nutty. Hoping regular acupuncture, yoga, and herbs this time around will have me cycling regularly sooner this time.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *downvalleygirl*
> 
> hi everyone, thought i'd introduce myself. i've posted a little bit but hadn't really told my story. today is my son's fifth angel birthday. every year we hang origami cranes on his tree, a ritual i love to do. this year we brought our 3.5 year old into the ceremony. i also have a second rainbow, 4 months. she was there, too! lol
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry for you loss, what a heartbreaking story. I love the origami tree remembrance though, and blessings on your rainbows!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SoCaliMommy*
> 
> *apmama07~* My mom actually told me that i need to be happy for C. ummm sure
> 
> ...


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *downvalleygirl*
> 
> hi everyone, thought i'd introduce myself. i've posted a little bit but hadn't really told my story. today is my son's fifth angel birthday. every year we hang origami cranes on his tree, a ritual i love to do. this year we brought our 3.5 year old into the ceremony. i also have a second rainbow, 4 months. she was there, too! lol
> 
> ...










I'm so sorry mama. At least he came into the world and left gently and surrounded by love..... doesn't make it any easier though. The cranes on the tree sounds beautiful. Is there a backstory to that?


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

downvalleygirl- welcome to the thread. I am so sorry for your loss. I would like to hear the story of the cranes as well (if there is one) as that sounds just beautiful.

Wilson- there is no right answer to that question. It is so different for each woman and each loss. Just no way to know waht is "normal". As long as you don't have signs of infection I wouldn't worry about it.

AFM- We finally got our tree up and most of our christmas decorations. I did have a meltdown bcs Emerics stocking looks all wrong, I want it to match the others and that won't happen until next year. I had counseling today and she said it is good to final see me at the anger stage of my greif. HA! I am angry at the world right now.

Surviving though, and so glad I have you ladies.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I think I've gone though the anger phase a few times now.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

As of right now it actually feels kind of good. Better than the isolating dark fearful place I was in. I would feel a lot better if I could just kick some a**! I don't really even care who. Maybe I should get into kick boxing.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> downvalleygirl- welcome to the thread. I am so sorry for your loss. I would like to hear the story of the cranes as well (if there is one) as that sounds just beautiful.
> 
> ...


@ Wilson: Ditto. It varies so much from woman to woman and m/c to m/c just watch for infection and pay attention to how you feel. Some women bleed for six weeks.

Nicole it is good that you are moving into anger. Maybe it will help you get some of the grief out more. I think anger is my easiest stage to deal with


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Yeah but it's making me swear in front of ds


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

This thread is so active! I've been MIA for a few days getting ready for Christmas, and now I have tons of catching up to do...

Welcome, *downvalleygirl*. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your ceremony sounds like such a special way to remember your dear boy, especially with your rainbow babies in your arms.









*Wilson* - ITA with everyone else. I haven't had a D&C, but I've always had about 2 weeks of bleeding, and at the end it's dark like that. It even starts to make me feel itchy and irritated before it finally stops. Sorry if that's TMI--I've never had an infection or anything, it's just part of what's normal for me. I had a missed m/c, too, and my first AF came 31 days after the physical m/c (pre-m/c my cycle was about 24 days). I'm on my 2nd cycle now and just O'd on CD 18 or 19 when normal for me is CD 11 or 12. So you may find that you're "off" at first, but my cycles usually regulate themselves within a couple months.

*Socalimommy* - I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you feel. I absolutely wish the world revolved around me and nobody else I know would get pg when I was in the midst of a loss! I'm really sorry you're getting an unsympathetic response when you try to voice your hurt and frustration. I wish your mom could just listen and let you vent.









Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> As of right now it actually feels kind of good. Better than the isolating dark fearful place I was in. I would feel a lot better if I could just kick some a**! I don't really even care who. Maybe I should get into kick boxing.


DO IT!!!







When I get to punch the air during kickboxing, I shout, "It's not fair! I should be pg now!" etc...It helps so much.

*AFM* - Wilson was right about the pathology testing. My OB called and was apologetic that he wasn't clear when he removed the sac that he's required to have testing done on any human tissue just to determine what kind it was. So, I got the results of my test: It was PREGNANCY TISSUE. And my insurance would have covered the cost except that I'm on an HSA right now with a $5,000 deductible, so my portion is $125. I just hope this is the last bill I get. It makes me sick every time I get the mail and see another statement from my insurance company.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

mom to jj I still think that's rediculous! My doc offered to test "what kind of tissue it was " ie "whether or not it was the baby" I can CLEARLY see for myself that it is. A sac, containing a 2cm long thingy, with arms and legs and a head.... PROBABLY the baby!!

Ugh.

Makes me so mad.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

mom to jj- since he was not clear then i think the cost needs to be on him, although I totally understand not having the energy to fight that.

AFM- had an ok day today. I was pretty sad but the sadness wasn't debilitating. Maybe the st johns wart is starting to kick in? or maybe the sad days will be spread out a bit more? Went to the cemetary today and got to talk to a dad you was putting flowers on his dd's grave as today would have been her 18th b-day. When she was born they found out she had a chromosomal issue that was incompatible with life, she lived 2.5 months and he said it was sooooo wonderful and she was an amazing little thing. I told him we were just starting our journey and he said well, it has been 18 yrs and our journey will never be over bit it IS different. It was nice. I always like talking to other parents of angels, although it doesn't happen often.

Had a date with my dh tonight and it was much needed.

I want to talk about my babies tons but dh can't right now and I don't really have anyone but you guys to share that with. My most recent losses were so close together that I am having a hard time separating the grief.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Nicole that's so nice that you got to talk to another parent of an angel. I'm glad they could offer some comforting words.

Also glad you're feeling slightly less sad.

AFM I had a pretty horrible day. DH was being a jerk all day. I guess because he's tryign to quit smoking. And he was blaming me for everything all day! We'd argue and he'd bring up crap from ages ago, like, YEARS. like seriously? That's what this is about?

Anyways. He apologied at least... Still ruined my day though. Actually my weekend b/c yesterday sucked too.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Kickboxing sounds like a great idea. Wish we could all get together. Wait, on the other hand, I wouldn't want to fight some of you. 

Thanks for all the answers. The more I look around the more I see that the range of normal is huge. I have a really sore throat and headache today, along with all the fresh cramping and passing huge clots (I think that's what they are?). I still don't have a fever though, so I guess I'm just getting a cold. My two week follow-up is tomorrow anyway, so that will make me feel better just to check for everything.

I haven't charted in a long time (I used cycle beads before this last pregnancy, which turned out to be unreliable), but I'm going to start again soon. I'm a little overwhelmed because I can't really remember how it all works. I'm going to have to print out charts, buy a new thermometer and read my book again. I've been putting it off, but I guess I need to start ASAP.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

bc- sorry you had a crappy weekend. These last two losses have really strained my marriage as well. It is so hard to deal with on top of the overwhelming grief.

wilson- yup, being "not normal" is "normal"!

On friday I finally got a bfp then fertile signs right away. Looks like I am in the process of o right now. We will see what my body does. We are officially TTA and appear to have done a good job of it this cycle.

Today is my "babies" 2nd b-day. I have never had a 2 yr old and NOT had a baby here or on the way verrrrrrry soon. This is really hard but I am going to appreciate the little ones that I do have, especially my b-day girl! We have a busy day planned should help to keep my mind off of things.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I made my appt for my tattoo! I will b getting it on emerics edd. I am scared of how bad it is gonna hurt. I think it will be worth it.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Is this your first tattoo nicole? Where are you getting it? Lots of places don't cause any pain at all. Unless you are getting it done on a very boney spot you probably won't experience anything that's painful. Did you say what the tat is going to be? I would love to get tattoos for my babies but that is so out of our pricerange right now 

Blondie I'm sorry your weekend was bad and hubby was being a jerk (((((((hugs)))))))

AFM: I reached out to a friend who does work in healing trauma. She's helping me through this at no cost and also helping to heal from past traumas as well. I feel better just talking to her once and am looking forward to talking to her again tonight.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Hooray krista- I am so glad you have found someone to talk through this with. It is so important to get this crap out and work through it. I hope it helps.

I have 1 tatto right now. A costa rican butterfly on my lower back (think "tramp stamp"). It hurt pretty bad. I am going to be getting this one on the top of my left foot, so it is going to hurt like hell. I really want it somewhere that I can see it but can cover it if I don't want others to see it, someplace that won't stretch if I get pg again or when I am old and wrinkly, etc. I think it will look really nice there just getting through it is going to be hard. I know it will hurt phsically but won't even come close to the emotional pain that I have gone through in the last 4 months! I have scheduled it on Emeric's due date and figure I will be numb and crying anyways so why not go for it then. I have not completely decided exactly what the design will look like. The artist will call me in a day or 2 and we can go over the details. I know for sure it will have 4 dragonflys (1 for each of my dead babies). I dont know if I will include their names or dates or not. The lady today seemed to think the tattoo would look a lot nicer w/out their names as the foot is a small place and it would be too much. I will see what his drawing looks like. I scheduled a month in advance so I will be getting my tattoo done with the owner. He did my dh's tattoo years ago and it is awesome so I am psyched about that. As far as money goes we were saving for a midwife and since I won't need one anytime soon (unless condoms suck) plus I got some christmas money (my christmas bonus from my boss (i am a nanny) will pay for a lot of it, she gave it to me specifically for that purpose. So cool).


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Yikes, I was thinking foot when I said someplace boney. You are right, mama, that is gonna hurt. I have one on my upper arm and the obligatory tramp stamp; mine didn't hurt. Will we get to see the tat when it's done? I love dragonflies and tattoos. I am so glad that you are commemorating your baby in this way and that you will be spending his due date "in labor" in a sense with getting this tattoo. I hope it is an emotional and healing experience for you.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quiet today. I guess most people are occupied with the coming holiday. I hope that everyone is doing okay; as okay as we can be.

I finished Kadence's life/death/birth story tonight. I going to print it out and put it in her memory box; it is only for her.

I'm finding it hard to cope with my grief. Distraction seems to be my coping mechanism. I just want to go go go and forget about what has happened. I don't want to be a baby loss mama (who does?) and I find myself realizing that it all really DID happen and then being surprised by it. I have to force myself to think about my babies and then when I do and it hurts I go numb and start trying to distract myself again. I will definitely be working on this with my friend once my past traumas are cleared. I am so grateful to have someone who will/can help me for free. This is such a huge blessing and something I have needed for a long time.








to anyone else who is here


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Krista, sounds like you're still working on the acceptance phase of grief.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I wish I was working on acceptance but I don't think I am. :-( I seem to be stuck in this:




Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.



Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.



Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.



Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.


and it just keeps going in a circle. I never got past this with Benjamin either. I WILL work through it this time though. I realize now that I have to finish this process.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)




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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

I'm still here, have just been lurking. For some reason not having much energy or focus to post lately. I think what little mental energy I have is all stuck in Xmas preparations. I'm determined to try to give DD a "normal" pleasant holiday, even though it's so hard for me on so many levels. So I've been really in distraction mode with you Krista. Working on everything but grief this past week or so. Figure I'll get back to it next week....It'll still be there, not going anywhere.


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## UnsettledMama (Dec 22, 2010)

Glad to find you all. I lost my daughter a year ago December 6. It's been just pure hell since. I had a miscarriage this summer to add to the pain. I've not really found a baby loss forum where I connect and think this is the place for me. Hugs to all of you and I look forward to knowing all of you.


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## UnsettledMama (Dec 22, 2010)

I read (and of course I can't find the source) that with the death of a child the stages are different. The loss of a child can be totally different. I believe it all the way. I find myself cycling through the states as well and have heard other mothers describe their experience that way as well. xo


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Unsettled mama- welcome to the thread, glad u found us. I had a m/c after my son died and it sure sucks!


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## fierrbugg (Jul 24, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> I made my appt for my tattoo! I will b getting it on emerics edd. I am scared of how bad it is gonna hurt. I think it will be worth it.


Ladies, please excuse the mini-thread crash - don't mean to. But the above caught my attention and I wanted to share that there was a thread going earlier this year about tattoos in memory of our missing ones. idk if it will spark any ideas for you, *theboysmama* - but you can check it out here.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

I thought i was dealing with it okay until yesterday,I had a rough morning, woke up thinking about how far along i should be and how i should be feeling a baby move. I ended up telling DH how i'm dreading christmas dinner at my aunt's since i'll be putting on a fake smile i'll have to see C- the 17yr old who is pregnant. He goes we don't have to go over there, which was nice that he said that. But i want to see everyone else that will be there so we are **** going and plus i said i'd help out and bring some stuff over to snack on.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

fierrbug- I saw that thread a while back. I don't see what I want but will be able to add my image in Jan .

Don't worry about crashing this thread. This thread is for mindless chatter as well questions about our grief process, etc. This is a place to feel a part of on our journey where we are feeling so alone. Welcome to the thread!

AFM- I have therapy today and am really looking forward to it. Sad that knowing I have a weekly appointment gets me fom one week to the next but whatever works, right. I have managed to get the tree up (last week) and do some shopping, will finish up today. I am not in the spirit of christmas as I usually am.

Last night I got to see the oldest girl that I nannied for 11 years. She is 15 now. She was telling me how upset that she was that her mom and stepdad were telling her that it isn't a really baby until it is born (I think with the assumption of full term and alive) so they didn't see why we were all so upset about Emeric's death and now the loss of pepper. Frankly I am not surprised as they are a bit off but am hurt. I know other people feel that way to and that makes me feel even more alone in my journey. I just don't get people sometimes. Ok that set me back a couple of weeks but I will persevere!


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Hi Mommas... I've been kind of depressed so I haven't been posting, but I've been reading and thinking about everyone.

Got a call from a nurse last night trying to set me up with a maternity class. She was really nice when I told her but I could have done without that call. A dear friend had a baby a few weeks ago and she's been great, letting me cry and hold the baby. When we saw them at a party last week my husband lost it completely when he saw me with the baby, we ended up sobbing in a bathroom for a little while. I still can't really believe I was ever pregnant, but I look at the ultrasound photo a lot to remind myself that Emmanuel was with us and I'm not just 8 lbs overweight.

If it wasn't for my 7 year old I don't think we'd have put up the tree or anything, but she is so full of the holiday spirit we can't help but catch it a little bit. I hate when people ask me what I want for Christmas, isn't it obvious that I want to be pregnant still?

Loving you all.


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## downvalleygirl (Dec 8, 2007)

hi everyone - back from a family visit so wasn't able to post! i will post the crane story as soon as i can get it from my friend, who is going through her one-year anniversary right now of her little baby. she made the cranes from the foil origami paper so they are so bright and sparkly on the tree! so heart warming.

unsettled momma, so sorry for your losses. glad you found a forum here that will hopefully resonate with you. that's why i came, too.

krista - i'm five years out from my loss and i still feel so "out of body" with it all. it's surreal. for me, i try not to understand any of it, just accept my boy for who he is and not for who i wish he were. that's taken a while. sure i still let myself wish sometimes, but i can't let myself get sucked into it, you know?

blessings everyone!


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## Lillbjorne (Aug 28, 2009)

Subbing. I haven't been here much, struggling to read anything that's more that a sentence or two.

My Dad was rushed into hospital last night and is expected to stay in at least over Christmas, so Christmas (such as it is) is pretty much cancelled for us.

I thought I was ok, but I'm feeling very down now.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry about your dad. I hope he's ok.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I hope your dad is all right!


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## fierrbugg (Jul 24, 2006)

Ladies, I just want to give you all great big







s.

I so much understand having to deal with cousins and family members not getting it and sitting in the corner at family get togethers, or avoiding them altogether, between friends and family - having a million beautiful healthy babies born while you struggle to get out of bed each day, pregnant 17 y/o cousins. I get it. I hate that I get it, but more than that, I hate that you get it too. It's been 10 years since our first loss - and it boils my blood that we don't know any more about how to prevent at least some of these losses. Alot has changed because of the PIL awareness community - but more needs to, imho.

*Downvalleygirl*: It took me at least five years to come out of the fog of grief from my first loss. Which isn't to say I don't still mourn - because I do. It's almost surreal to me that I should have a 9 y/o running around here somewhere. And it's painful to see other kids that age and wonder about the what-if's. idk if it ever goes away. I guess I hope it never does.

Christmas Eve is one of those weird days for me. It is the day when dh and I conceived our last baby. For me it's not such a sad day so much as a sacred day for us. idk how to explain that. At any rate within a few weeks we were facing another loss . . . and it wasn't until this past year that Dr.'s even discovered WHY I've had such issues (and no one else in my family seems to).

Thinking of you all tonight.


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## FMS619 (Nov 17, 2008)

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this thread but not new to the PAL forum. Our loss was Jan. 1st, 2010, so just coming up on the 1st anniversary. I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant. As I'm sure many of you know, I'm thrilled to be pregnant but also still very much mourning the loss of other baby. During the next week, we are going to be getting together with friends who have a baby the exact same age as our baby should be--we have not seen them since the baby was born. I'm really struggling with how to do this--I'm so afraid I'm going to break down and cry in front of them, or not want anything to do with the baby. Any words of advice would be appreciated.

Also, I'm really not sure how to feel about our upcoming anniversary. So many people in my life will not recognize this day as being important and even my husband doesn't "get it" when I said I didn't want to go to our annual friend get together that day. He was raised in a family where, "death happens, get over it" tends to be the motto. I DO want to mark this day and I know my husband will "go along" with whatever I plan, but am not sure what I want to do. Again, any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Know that I am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers--that we all make it through those difficult family times over the holidays and that we can find some time of peace and quiet to remember our loved ones who are gone too soon.

Becky


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I am having a hard time today. I am normally very excited for the holidays, but I don't want to get out of bed today. I should be feeling my baby move around, I kept telling my littlest dd that by Christmas I would have a bigger belly and feel the baby move. Ugh.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Downvalleygirl- I can't wait to hear the crane story.

Shoshana- hope your dad is ok.

Becky- Welcome to the thread! With my first 2 losses (12.5 wks and 6wks) I marked the 1 yr date with lunch w/ a girlfirend, pedicure, time to myself, etc. Dh didn't need or want to be a part of that. He is more involved with the milestones for Emeric as it was more real for him since he was able to meet him.

sagewinna- I am sorry you are depressed and down. I sooooo hear you. This is a rough lonely road. That phone call sucked, all of this crap sucks!! Sorry you are struggling today. I am as well. Tomorrow I would have been 12 wks pg w/ pepper and we were going to hear the hb on monday. OR I would have been 37 wks pg with Emeric. I am not really in the holiday spirit right now, am trying for my kids though. Not sure I am doing a very good job.

AFM- I had a good counceling session yesterday, although I could have used 2+ hrs instead of just 50min. I managed to get most of the christmas stuff done, good enough anyways. We are going to the cemetary tonight. I hear that the place is rockin on christmas eve. Everyone lights luminarias and supposedly it is really pretty. I can't wait to see it. We are going to take some luminarias (I think, my dad went out to find the stuff but seems like it is sold out a lot of places)

My MIL came in last night and I don't know if I can take it until sunday. She wasn't here 5 min. and started in on my husband about how we shouldn't get pg again bcs my uterus is going to fall out and I am going to die then he will be alone with all of those kids..... He told her to mind her own business and she kept going and going. And then my husband not being so bright told me about it when I got home. grrrrrr. It is so frustrating. I really don't need her opinion. Even if it was in line with ours, even if we choose not to have anymore kids, that is our choice and none of her darned business. So frustrating.

I just o'd and had terrible uterine pain during the entire ovulation process and am concerned that something isn't right. It seems to be better so I think it does have to do w/ o. Not sure. I will have to ask at my appt. in Jan.

I am going to light a candle tonight for all of my babies and any other babies that don't get to be with us on christmas. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

Nicole


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## downvalleygirl (Dec 8, 2007)

hi becky. i'm so sorry for your loss. i think it's really tough timing for you right now - you've got your one year anniversary coming up (which for me was brutal and, like you, was 30 weeks pg), the holidays, and you're pregnant (hormone central). and a visit with friends you haven't seen since your baby died - i don't know, all that might be too much to handle. if you are set on this visit, knowing you could lose it if you are near their baby, or hold him/her then i suppose you'd have to ask yourself if that's the best thing for you right now. for me it would be a "feel as you go" situation. would you be able to leave and just go home if need be? maybe let dh know that you might not be able to handle staying and how would he feel if you suddenly felt the need to flee.

the one year anniversary can just be so hard. maybe ask yourself what you would want to do that day to feel close to your baby, and do that no matter how your dh is feeling. it seems like women need to feel to heal and men need to not feel (usually). sometimes you feel like you are holding all the grief while your dh isn't grieving openly right along with you. i've learned that even though my dh and i handle our grief differently, we are both sad and dealing in our own way. i try not to put any expectations on him and if he doesn't feel like hanging cranes on our son's tree then that's his choice for his reasons that i try to honor by giving him his space.

i hope this helps!

blessings.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

We went to the cemetery tonight and lit Luminarias. it was absolutely Georgous! Here is one Wth the flash. I can not believe how crowded it was. Helped me to feel not so alone.
I am thinking of all of you and praying for your comfort during this holiday season.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Thinking of you all today too. I'm having a much harder time missing my missing babies than I expected. I'd been kind of numb about it for a week or so, and it really snuck up on me last night. The one that was due a couple of weeks ago seems much more tangible to me now somehow, I found myself constantly imagining how I should be holding him in my arms at the family celebration last night, how I should be sitting here nursing and tending to a newborn while I watch DD play with her new stuff. Every time I signed a card or gift tag from me, DH and DD, I kept feeling like I should be signing one more name, it just felt wrong.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Thinking of you all today.


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## tank (Nov 22, 2010)

worst christmas ever. lost my baby today at 13 weeks


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Oh tank No No No!!! That is not ok. I am so sorry for your loss but am glad you found us. You are not alone!


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tank*
> 
> worst christmas ever. lost my baby today at 13 weeks


I'm so sorry hun.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss tank. There are no words.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tank*
> 
> worst christmas ever. lost my baby today at 13 weeks


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Oh, Tank, I am SO sorry


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## tippy (Mar 9, 2008)

tank, i'm so so so sorry for your loss


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Tank, I am so sorry!


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## Kaydove (Jul 29, 2010)

Tank, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find acceptance and healing here.

Anybody else so glad Christmas is over? I wouldn't let my DH sing Christmas songs today.







I'm so glad its the end of the holidays and soon 2010 will be over. I'm very ready to start fresh with a new year. Good riddance to 2010. Christmas was so hard this year. I left my Grandma's directly after my cousin received a present for her baby girl that she's pregnant with. My cousin that's pregnant was very sweet, she's had 2 miscarriages and said that she felt bad for being pregnant. Seeing her receive a gift for the baby girl still healthy and growing inside of her right now was too much. I wish my other cousin would have given it to her in private or at least when I wasn't there. I was pregnant with a girl, not confirmed but my DH and I just knew that she was a girl. On the 31st, we're going to do a candle light ceremony for Llewella who I lost in the beginning of December at 11 weeks. I think that will be really symbolic and cathartic for both my husband and I.

Then we're going to start TTC again after I start a new cycle. I'm nervous for TTC. The one time we tried to have sex since the miscarriage, I ended up sobbing once my DH was inside of me. Anybody else having issues with sex? I'm just so vulnerable and sex was too much for me. I'm hoping that January will be easier after the ceremony...


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Tank, I am so very sorry. It seems doubly unfair to have to suffer your loss on Christmas.









Kaydove, yes, I cried at first when we'd DTD. I think the association was just too much, and I'd always end up thinking about my m/c. That does get better, though. It's been two months for me, and one normal cycle, and I don't cry during sex anymore. Just give yourself some time and space if you need it. I hope your DH is understanding.









AFM: On Christmas morning, a full 8 weeks after my loss, I had some cramping and bleeding and then passed a little clot. I just can't believe it. Eight stinking weeks that stupid clot was in there, waiting until Christmas morning to come out and rub my loss in my face. It sucked. Other than that, I had a nice Christmas. I hope everybody else made it through the day ok. I thought of you all!


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## tank (Nov 22, 2010)

Thanks for the support guys. I don't have anyne who is close to me that has ever had a m/c and I am feeling sort of alone. It helped reading everyones stories because I had a natural m/c and still haven't seen my midwife because the office is closed because of the weather. I am finaly feeling physically better and really hope I don't need a D&C. I am sort of relieved in a way becaue I knew it was coming. I had a bad u/s but they weren't sure because I have a tilted uterus and thought that maybe they couldn't find him because of that. I had some hope but I knew deep down that it was inevatable. I am looking forward to feeling better and TTC.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

*tank* it sounds like you and I have a lot in common in our losses. We saw a slightly behind fetus with a slowish HB at 7 weeks, then no HB at 8 weeks, then waited to miscarry naturally at 10 weeks. I also have a retroverted uterus. Glad to hear you're feeling better. It is a very strange sort of relief when you've known a loss is coming.

*kaydove* I cried the first time we DTD but for me a lot of the emotion that overwhelmed me was actually positive. I felt so much more deeply connected to DH after sharing our grief for weeks leading up to it, and the amazing way he cared for me through the early grief process. It was an incredible mix of sadness and love. I totally get the feeling overwhelmed by it. And I agree it's just a give yourself time thing....at 3 weeks post-loss/5 weeks post-demise, I'm starting to feel very normal about sex now.

*mom-to-jj* so sorry you had your face rubbed in it for Christmas. That really does suck. Hopefully that was the last of it for you.

AFM I'm surviving...seeing my GP tomorrow more for the ongoing health mystery than the RPL. But of course I'm going to mention that to him and see if he'll at least do some thyroid testing for me so I don't have to wait to jump through referral hoops. I'm still feeling soooo run down, really chronic fatigue which had started at least around the first miscarriage, and I've been up and down with it. It's a crazy long story and may or may not have to do with my losses....I'll write more soon. Thinking of you all.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

An older lady at church yesterday told me that I need to move past this and go back to co-directing the youth choir, the kids need me and besides, everything happens for a reason. Ugh. Luckily a friend of mine jumped in and changed the subject. I told my husband that I think she was meaning it as "We miss you, come back" but it came out as "Suck it up and get over it".

It just made me start wondering if I was taking too long, etc... Then I wondered why one comment like that cuts so deep when 100 positive ones don't do anything but glaze the surface. I just don't feel the desire to get back to some of the things I was doing before the pregnancy, I still want to keep to a slower pace and focus more on my family instead of returning to my previous burn the candle at both ends pace. I don't know, just rambling I guess.

I had follow up bloodwork and the results show my iron back to normal, so that's good news.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

sagewinna- It is a wonder to me that we don't punch people smack in the nose. I know there were several situations that happened to me that when I was reflecting on them I couldn't believe that I hadn't punched them. I am sorry that it cut so deep. I wish that people would really think before they speak.

apmama- hope you get the testing you want.

tank- i am so sorry for your loss. What bad timing (not that losing a baby is ever good timing) I am sorry you feel so alone, this is a very lonely road. We are here for you!

momtojj- that's nice, a big clot just in case you forgot how much this sucks and right on christmas too  I hope you are feeling better now that it has passed.

The entire sex after loss thing really sucks. It has been different for me after each loss. After Emeric it was the hardest. I couldn't be on top bcs my belly was all flabby reminding me that I had just been pg but wasn't anymore. After pepper it has been really hard bcs we are tta right now and I want to be ttc so it is a struggle.

AFM- We made it through Christmas and actually it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We had a stocking for Emeric and we will donate the items in it to birthrite. We had family Christmas pictures done today and dh adn I decided we wanted "all" of our children in the photo so we brought the baby booties from their memory boxes (when I got a +hpt confirmation from birthrite they give you a pair of booties and each baby has their booties in their memory box except pepper who only has one bcs he was burried in the other). We put the booties on the tree and they blended right in. It looks great!!! I am so happy we chose to do that.

I am doing ok right now, think my st johns wart has kicked in and life is much more manageable. I just o'd though and we avoided this cycle so that is a struggle bcs I know af will be here soon. Just a reminder of what I don't have, etc.

Hope everyone is hanging in there. I am grateful to all of you and the support of this thread.


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

*sagewinna* - I'm sorry you got such a hurtful comment. Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way, and you're under no obligation to "move past it" if you aren't ready. I think spending more time with your family sounds wonderful and healing, and I'm sure you're doing the very best you can to cope with everything.







Nicole might be on to the solution to the problem with people. A smack in the nose might be just the thing...

*Nicole* - I love what you did with the baby booties for Emeric and Pepper! I have "First Christmas" ornaments for both my kids, and maybe I should add a pink bootie for Ashlyn and a blue one for Brennan. I'm glad you're starting to feel better, too!









*Tank* - Thinking of you! I'm sorry you don't know anyone else who's had a m/c since they usually provide wonderful support. Actually, you probably do and just don't know it...After my first m/c, several of my aunts told me they'd had losses, too, and I never had any idea. But I'm glad you found us--you're not alone!


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## Sugarshoc (Feb 5, 2007)

I went in for a sono on Tuesday morning at 6 weeks 4 days and they couldn't find a heartbeat. Baby measured at 6 weeks 4 days & my doc saw the report and said it's a miscarriage. There was no heartbeat. I'm shocked. I thought everything would be fine. My Hcg's were not doubling but were going up but my progesterone was low from the beginning (7 and dropped to 6). I don't know how to feel. A huge part of me has hope that a heartbeat could be there in 2 weeks because it's so early. My emotions go from hope to sadness, as it is all so fresh. We already have one beautiful DD who is 2 years old. I'm happy to find this space.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Sugar I'm so sorry for your loss. The progesterone numbers don't sound good. I think they need to be 10. But hoping for a miracle. I'd definitely get a second scan just to make sure. We had no hb at 5weeks days with william, and then 12 days later there it was.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

sugar- sorry for your loss. Welcome to this thread.

LJ are you still there??? I am worried about you, hun.

AFM- we have deceided to go skiing on fri and sat. I am excited as it is something I really love to do and is very relaxing and peaceful for me BUT I hadn't planned on skiing much this winter as Emeric was due in Jan. And then when I got pg w/ pepper I knew I wouldn't get to ski at all but was ok with it. So being able to go is good bcs I want to go but bad bcs I shouldn't be able to. Oh well, I will do my best to enjoy it.

I am waiting for af to show, I am on 8 dpo and usually get af on day 10 (my first pp cycle). Temps are still high but we used condoms so I know af will be here but just keep holding out a bit of hope that she won't show. I am not looking forward to af's arrival as it is a blatant reminder from my body of my losses.

I am hanging in there. I hope all of you are doing well.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Nicole I'm sorry you're waiting on af  But hooray for skiing! I went snowboarding on teh 27th and it was SO nice to get away.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Sugar, I would not lose hope yet. I have read many stories just like that (and MUCH worse sounding) where the baby was fine. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.









((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) Nicole. I hope if that evil hag does show she is gentle on you.

AFM: I just had my first PPAF and it was terrible. I started 10dpo (it's always early after a m/c) and it was a chemical pregnancy :-(. I knew I was pregnant; I could just feel it. I started spotting last tuesday at 9dpo and took a pregnancy test that afternoon because I knew my period was going to come but I wanted confirmation that I was really pregnant. It was very faintly positive but definitely there. I had taken two other tests earlier in the week when I knew it was too early for a positive just to make sure all the HCG from kadence was gone; they were stark white. By wednesday evening I was bleeding and thursday I got three negative tests. I'm positive I had a chemical pregnancy the first cycle after my first m/c too. I could very clearly feel the presence of the baby and so could Brian. I had a 7 day luteal phase that time so they baby couldn't even implant. This time it tried but just wasn't in well enough to stop my early period. I'm glad I got over my HPT hatred and got it confirmed this time; having nothing to show for the chemical pg last time made it hurt more. I put the positive pregnancy test in Kadence's memory box. It doesn't feel right to throw it away and I never got one with her.

So that makes five for me. Five pregnancies in the past 16mos: two chemical pregnancies, one blighted ovum and two second trimester losses. We are not going to prevent though; when it comes down to it it just doesn't feel right to us right now. We don't feel that there is anything wrong with us, I hope that we are right. :-/


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Oh Krista I'm so sorry!!


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

oh krista I am so sorry. That sucks so bad. I totally agree with you on the not preventing and just letting things happen, even if that means more losses, something about that feels right to me as well although dh is NOT on board with that so it isn't the route we are taking right now. There is a chance that your lp just wasnt long enough, not sure. So sorry you are going through this. Losing baby after baby just sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!

AFM- I am definately going to get af. I am so pissy right now and very emotional. I was doing so well lately but tonight I just lost it. I don't want to be pg again I want to STILL be pg. Emeric should be here in a few wks but instead I go visit him at the cemetary and work on a dead baby scrapbook!  I feel so lonely, don't have many friends right now. Seems since I have lost Emeric I have lost the few that I did have. It is just a lonely place.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Nicole I'm sorry you feel so lonely and sad. It's so unfair, I know.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> I don't want to be pg again I want to STILL be pg.


This.









I'm so sorry you are here right now, mama. That first stupid period is such a stab in the heart. I'm so sorry you can't follow your heart right now and I hope that you and your husband can come to a place of agreement about this. I forgot Emeric's picture when I left today (bit of a family crisis going on with my niece that distracted me) but I will go down to the P.O. tomorrow and get it out to you.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Thanks krista, it is no rush. I hav the one on the computer to look at. I really appreciate you doing that. When we lose a child so little we have very few memories, thanks for adding to mine. I really hope you feel better and yeah, the first pp af sucks. Didn't I just do this?

Bc thanks. I know I am not alone but a lot of the time I need more than a virtual hug iykwim.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Yes I know what you mean.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I was kind of surprised by how much my first period after Emmanuel bothered me. It was really traumatic emotionally, and it was terrible physically too.

We are also not trying to prevent, though our chances of getting pregnant are pretty slim. I was telling my husband that, at this point, I want to go forward with the adoption search in February and if we also get pregnant, well God, bring it on! I am post o, but things are different than they have been in the second half of my cycle so I wonder what my hormones are doing. lol

I have had one call and one letter so far from my insurance company, trying to enroll me in a pregnancy program. Grrrr. They know about the pregnancy from the ultrasound that showed our baby had passed, my midwives don't bill until after the birth, so it's annoying that they are doing that. I hope it stops!

Loving you all and hoping for a brighter new year for you.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> I was kind of surprised by how much my first period after Emmanuel bothered me. It was really traumatic emotionally, and it was terrible physically too.
> 
> ...


I think that's a good idea, to go ahead with the adoption regardless. You might end up with 2 babies at once, but that's better than none, in my books.

We tried last month as well, and it made getting af that much worse. My sadness was supressed for a while, by my hope of being pg again... and then when that was dashed it was twice as painful. 

It was also really heavy. Although not crampy at all. If anyone has any theories on that I'd love to hear. I normally have really painful af's.


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## Kaydove (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm so sorry Krista.









I hope the adoption process goes smoothly for you Sage.

I'm dreading my first pp af, but hoping it will come soon so I can get my cd 3 testing done. I had an appointment with my OB on Tuesday to talk about whether I have pcos, and it went really well! She's having me get all my hormones tested, my glucose, and my thyroid tested. She's going to look at the 2 ultrasounds from the miscarriage and the one from 8 weeks for polycystic ovaries, so I don't have to another one done - thank god. I ovulate late, between cd 18 and 27, and per my charts it looks like I'm trying to ovulate for weeks. I have fertile cf for 2 or 3 weeks sometimes, so that's more concerning than just ovulating late with a few days of fertile cf. Best part is that since I got my IUD out a year ago exactly she's counting us trying to get pregnant for a year even though we only TTC for 5 months. She said that if I don't have pcos we can still talk about using clomid and/or progesterone. I'm really torn with using medication because I really believed in the woman's body to know what to do and that I just need to listen to it. I feel so betrayed by my body and feel like I would do anything to not have another miscarriage. We're not going to start TTC until February to give me a chance to grieve.

Well I had my first "I could just smack you" experience. My mum was over on Christmas Eve and the baby's 8 week ultrasound photo is still on the fridge. Well she called me Monday to tell me that she thinks I need to take it down so I can move on, since its been a month! I told her that I'm not ready to move on. She said that its probably difficult for me to move on with it still up there. I could just scream! She also said, right after I found out that I lost the baby, that its "disappointing". This wasn't a job interview that I didn't get! My baby died! Its devastating! I feel like she's pretty much saying "oh well, better luck next time"! I've been so depressed and angry all week. I was in such a bad mood yesterday. She's never had a miscarriage so how dare she tell how to feel and what to do. I expected her to mourn the loss of her grandbaby. I can't bring myself to take down the ultrasound photos because I don't want my baby to be forgotten, that's all I have left of Llewella.

Thanks for reading my rant. I had to get out, its been festering.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Kaydove*
> 
> I'm so sorry Krista.
> 
> ...


 I TOTALLY understand. No one can tell you how to greive! No one can tell you it's time to get over it. That's so insensitive. People suck sometimes.

After my first m/c my parents were a little ...what's the word... I dunno. They didn't seem to care. But this one, they were hit much harder. It was nice to have some sympathy.

ETA. Apathetic. That's the word.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Kaydove I'm so sorry that your mom is being so un-supportive and insensitive! Sad that all of us seem to have at least one close person in our lives who doesn't get it.







Great that you're getting the support from your OB though and hopefully you'll get some answers. I'm in a very similar boat with my cycles/history but still working on finding good docs. Sigh....

On the topic of loved ones not getting it, I stumbled upon this at some point and though it's about infertility not loss, I felt it described many of the same feelings very well. Might be helpful to some of you guys too: http://www.infertilityeducation.org/pdf/Infertililtyfeelslike.pdf

Hugs to everyone dealing with af and ttc and all the accompanying reminders and frustrations. I'm there too, only I'd love af at this point just to feel like my body is functioning. I'm 26 days from passing the placenta and still no O though plenty of false starts. I'm usually a late O-er and it took till CD31 after my 5.5 week loss, so I expected to have a long miserable cycle, but....guess I secretly hoped my body would miraculously get a grip and work right.







So so betrayed and hating it yet again. Couldn't keep the baby alive, couldn't let go of it, now can't start cycling normally.....And meanwhile I'm feeling utterly fatigued and a mess, which has been going on for months and months now. That's a whole long story and I'm in the (long) process of trying to find out why and get treatment....But again, so disappointed in my body and deflated by it's not being with the program.

I'm still nursing my 3 year old and suddenly my milk seems to have disappeared in the past week or so. She's of course cutting down her nursing suddenly. And we're both upset at the timing and speed of it. I'd figured (and hoped) that she'd wean sometime before 4, but not now, not like this. I managed to keep my milk through both pregnancies and she rode it out with the changes, so why now? The thought occurred to me that I'd be almost 14 weeks and just around when most mamas loose their milk in pregnancy. It seems my breasts didn't get the memo that we lost the baby.







Cruel joke from nature I guess.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

There seem to be a lot of us here that have m/c'd right around the same time. I wonder if it is usually like this, so close together.

Kaydove I am so sorry for what your mother said. I wish people understood the pain of miscarriage more; it's such a denied and overlooked thing.

Megan are you positive you haven't o'd? The reason I ask is because my milk ALWAYS drops after I o. Are you temping and just haven't seen the temp shift? If so it could be that you did O but your progesterone is too low to bring your temp up for the normal post O temp shift; one of those "false starts" could've been the real thing. My progesterone is always low the first cycle after a m/c. I guess only time will tell for sure; if AF shows soon then you most likely o'd and had low progesterone. If it doesn't show I would think the milk drop is either from stress or maybe not getting enough calories. I know eating was super tough for me after my losses :-(

Nicole I got your picture out today 

AFM: I'm bleeding again. It's not a lot but it got on my panties and got on a pad. Nothing seems to be coming out now but what the heck? My period started last wednesday and I haven't bled since sunday. I took another HPT just to make sure that it's not an ectopic pg or something, thankfully it was negative. Really weird. The only thing I can think is that the cyst I have on my ovary is deciding to mess with me, *sigh* not cool. I really truly want to get pregnant this cycle. This is the exact time we wanted to conceive after having our last baby and I really don't want to pass this up without conceiving.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Krista I'm sorry you're bleeding again. How frustrating. Ugh.

Megan I know how you feel. Defeated by your body. But know that the miscarriage was not your body's fault. And the delay in passing the baby is not "failing". It just takes time for the hormones to drop! I know how frustrating those long anovulatory cycles are though.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> AFM- we have deceided to go skiing on fri and sat. I am excited as it is something I really love to do and is very relaxing and peaceful for me BUT I hadn't planned on skiing much this winter as Emeric was due in Jan. And then when I got pg w/ pepper I knew I wouldn't get to ski at all but was ok with it. So being able to go is good bcs I want to go but bad bcs I shouldn't be able to. Oh well, I will do my best to enjoy it.


This is totally how I feel about everything now. I've been enjoying drinking wine, and even an occasional beer at lunch, and I never drink beer. Not too much or anything, I think it just feels like, fine, I'm not pregnant so I'll enjoy as much wine as I want. Also, I had been bummed that I was going to be 8 months pregnant on my 30th birthday, so I wasn't going to get to do anything really exciting. Now it seems wrong to plan something big, because it would only be possible because of my loss. ykwim?

Krista - I'm so sorry. I think you have the right attitude, and I hope things will change soon.

sagewinna - I hope God does bless you with two!

AFM - I've been at my parents house for almost a week. It's weird. My family is sympathetic, but I think they are afraid to say anything to me. So nobody has asked how I am, or if I'm feeling okay. I think its just easier for them to pretend nothing happened. My sister has a new baby and she keeps talking about being pregnant and her friends funny birth stories. And I'm not bitter or anything, but it does make me a little sad and I don't think she even thinks about me having feelings about it. My dad did catch me and DH on our way to bed one night. He caught us off guard and grabbed us and started sobbing. He told me that this was as hard for him as it was for us (questionable), and he felt so helpless, and he needed me to know how he felt. It was sweet, and I guess it was better than not saying anything, but it was weird timing (my husband was jamming cookies in his mouth), and it was really sudden and overly emotional. It was just awkward. Again, it was really about what he needed not what we needed. But at least he didn't say anything really insensitive, I should be grateful for that.

But actually, we went to see my bigger extended family today, and several of my cousins said very sweet things that were just right, and that meant a lot. One cousin's wife had several miscarriages and he gave me a very sympathetic look and hug, and it seems like those gestures from people who understand are the most comforting. I think that's why I'm drawn back here to you guys every day. Even when I don't post, it feels good to sort of come be among you - even though I wish none of us were here.

Also, I realized today that I haven't had any bleeding for about 5 days, but I'm still wearing a pad. I guess it was because it was so off and on for awhile, and I wanted to be sure. But now I feel weird not wearing one. I was so eager for the bleeding to stop, but now it feels like it means it's all really over. I guess it felt like my body was grieving too, and if my body is finished then maybe I'm supposed to be finished too. I know that's kind of stupid, but I'm full of contradictory emotions right now. I'm tired of being irritable and self-pitying - I'm starting to annoy myself.


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> I have had one call and one letter so far from my insurance company, trying to enroll me in a pregnancy program. Grrrr. They know about the pregnancy from the ultrasound that showed our baby had passed, my midwives don't bill until after the birth, so it's annoying that they are doing that. I hope it stops!


What the heck!? My insurance company did this to me, too! That's crappy. I'm sorry.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *Kaydove*
> 
> Well I had my first "I could just smack you" experience. My mum was over on Christmas Eve and the baby's 8 week ultrasound photo is still on the fridge. Well she called me Monday to tell me that she thinks I need to take it down so I can move on, since its been a month! I told her that I'm not ready to move on. She said that its probably difficult for me to move on with it still up there. I could just scream! She also said, right after I found out that I lost the baby, that its "disappointing". This wasn't a job interview that I didn't get! My baby died! Its devastating! I feel like she's pretty much saying "oh well, better luck next time"! I've been so depressed and angry all week. I was in such a bad mood yesterday. She's never had a miscarriage so how dare she tell how to feel and what to do. I expected her to mourn the loss of her grandbaby. I can't bring myself to take down the ultrasound photos because I don't want my baby to be forgotten, that's all I have left of Llewella.


I'm really sorry. After my first loss, my parents felt bad for me, of course, but they didn't grieve the loss of what should have been their first grandchild. In fact, my mom told me later that it wasn't until I said to her one day, "It was my baby, and I wanted it," that it actually hit her. She never had a loss, either, and she just couldn't grasp the depth of my grief. I don't think we can expect them to mourn the way that we want them to. To them it's sad and disappointing. To us it's devastating and life-altering. I had my baby's u/s picture on the fridge for more than a month. Then one day I just wanted to put it away in my memory box. Llewella's picture belongs wherever it feels right to you.









Quote:



> Originally Posted by *KristaDJ*
> 
> There seem to be a lot of us here that have m/c'd right around the same time. I wonder if it is usually like this, so close together.
> 
> AFM: I'm bleeding again. It's not a lot but it got on my panties and got on a pad. Nothing seems to be coming out now but what the heck? My period started last wednesday and I haven't bled since sunday. I took another HPT just to make sure that it's not an ectopic pg or something, thankfully it was negative. Really weird. The only thing I can think is that the cyst I have on my ovary is deciding to mess with me, *sigh* not cool. I really truly want to get pregnant this cycle. This is the exact time we wanted to conceive after having our last baby and I really don't want to pass this up without conceiving.


Krista, I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## gumblossom (Oct 23, 2009)

Hi. I'm really sad to be here, but glad to find some support. I'm sorry I haven't read the entire thread, it's very long and I'm feeling so tired and sad.

On Christmas day I started spotting. I tried not to let it worry me, but two days later it had gone from brown spotting to red, and cramps started. So at 10 weeks exactly I had an ultrasound and my little one had no heartbeat. I was fully expecting it, but prayed for a miracle. I had had a dating scan two weeks earlier, 8 wks 1 day, and the baby had a heartbeat of 157 bpm. The doctor told the baby had died just after my last ultrasound. I had read that after finding a healthy heartbeat the chance of miscarriage was 5%. I felt cheated, but so glad I did get to see my baby alive.

I had a D&C the day after I found out. Now I feel guilt for not going through the miscarriage naturally. I was afraid to face the blood and pain, especially with all my kids home on school holidays. I stupiodly thought if I got it over with I could go back to my normal life, and seeing people etc. But there's no chance. I just don't want to talk to anyone.

I'm amazed at the level of my grief. I've never had a loss before, never had a close bereavement, and it has hit me hard. I don't know if my circumstances make it worse, but I think that knowing I can't ttc again makes it seem so final and awful. I know another baby wouldn't replace this one. I want this one back, growing inside me, but if I had the chance to ttc, perhaps I would feel less hopeless? I don't know.

It's difficult too, because my DH says he felt no connection to the baby, and can't understand why I'm feeling so sad. This is because he didn't want another baby, I was careless with birth control, and got pregnant. He didn't hide the fact that he didn't want another baby, but it felt like he was going to be okay with it, he even bought me a beautiful pregnancy calendar for Christmas. We have older children and on Christmas morning we gave them a book titled "There's going to be a baby". It's a lovely, lovely book. Then I had to tell them three days later that there wouldn't be a baby. They seem to have taken the news well.I guess they didn't get attached either.

And I am 44 years old, so I really felt this was my last chance. It's such a shit way to end my journey.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

gumblossom- I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand not being able to put all your energy into ttc. Dh wasn't into the last couple either and it has been really hard. I am waiting for af now and it just soooooo sucks! I am so glad you found us. No need to read the whole thread it is January and we are starting a new one.

Happy new years everyone!!! Hope that it is better than 2010.

We went skiing and had a good time. I don't feel well. AF should be here soon and I feel like crap plus anticipating her is just really getting to me. And of course my lp is a bit longer than usual for a ppaf so that is bugging me too. grrrrr.

I started a newthread as it is a new month and a new year.

Hope everyone is well!


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