# My heart is breaking...UPDATE POST 27



## bgb699 (Jun 2, 2006)

My 17yr old DS left home. He packed his stuff and left while I was at work, didn't leave a note or call to let me know what was going on. I was able to track him down at his girlfriends house (who he has been dating for all of 2 weeks) and he AND this girls mother informed me that he had no intention of coming home. Ever. Now if he were graduated from high school, I wouldn't have such an issue with this, but he still has a year left. The police and the juvenile court both informed me that there is nothing they nor I can do under Michigan law because he's 17 and no longer considered a juvenile in Michigan. However, the juvenile court pointed out that I am still responsible for his safety and support until he turns 18. WTF?? I don't get it. He can legally move out but I'm still liable for him?
My heart hurts so bad and I can't stop crying. I know that I've done all that I can at this point and that I need to let him go to learn things his way, but it still hurts to know that my baby is gone and is making some poor life choices.
There's so much more to this story, but it would take a small novel to fill in all the details. I guess what I need are mama hugs and advice on how to get through this pain I'm feeling.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

If you can contact your DS, let him know that you still love him and he can move back in if he wants to.


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## momtothree (Jun 14, 2006)




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## debbieh (Apr 22, 2007)

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Mommyfiver (Aug 21, 2007)

That is heart breaking to hear. Even though our children do some selfish things it's best we are never selfish towards them, that way we lead by example. Let him know that mom is there for him, you don't even have to reach out that far. Children know and he'll come running back to you, you'll be his first choice.

As they age though, we have to realize that their life choices are just that, theirs.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

oh mama, i'm so sorry.


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## bumblebeej (Nov 5, 2005)

Many hugs for you! I agree call DS and tell him how much you love him and don't give up hope!


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## spero (Apr 22, 2003)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry!

My DS will be 17 next month, and I worry about this every time we argue over what he perceives as ridiculous, overbearing rules of the house.

Hope yours gets his head out of his butt, realizes how much you love him, and comes home soon.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I agree with everyone else that the thing to do is let him know you love him and he can come home whenever. That's the only thing you can do. And go easy on yourself.


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## lucky_mia (Mar 13, 2007)

I agree, let him know you are still there for him and hopefully he will come to his senses and come back.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

I'm so sorry







Those laws make no sense to me!!!! Also,how can the gf's mother have the audacity to jump in the mddle of things??!?

I worry about this with my son, he occasionally goes into rages and is selfish (as it is age appropriate to be) I feel for you ((((hugs))))

we are all here for you


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I was wondering, too, how one mama could do that to another mama. She must get some sort of self-righteous gratification out of it.

Laws for teenagers are really strange. In NC parents are legally responsible for their children until they turn 18. Teenagers under the age of 18 have to get worker's permits in order to get any job. However, at 16 a teenager can drop out of school without the parents' consent. The most outrageous is that at age 16, if one gets in trouble with the law, it's mandatory that one not only be charged as an adult but also be treated as an adult. That means that a 16yo who is arrested is automatically thrown in the adult jail!


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

My oldest is 17 and I can't imagine how much it would hurt - my heart aches for you.


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

hugs!!!

the system is so weird. You'd think there would by something that could help get your ds back where he belongs.


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

*hugs*


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm sorry mama. Just let him know you love him and he's always welcome home. That's really all you can do


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## Tishie (Aug 16, 2005)

That would break my heart too.


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

Big hugs to you...


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## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

My son moved out too. He tells everyone that we are not the problem just that he wants a different lifestyle. It is hard. All you can do is keep communication open, we have to be very careful not to be judgemental about his lifestyle. Then go on with your life and keep yourself strong.

My older daughter did this too and it was really painful for a long time but now she is a wonderful daughter and deeply regrets the time she spent away from us. She had to figure it out for herself though and nothing I could say or do would sway her.

I did it to my parents too. My parents did it to their parents. I guess we have a family pattern







. In the end we are all responsible, caring people.


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## anniebananie (Aug 4, 2007)

I moved out of my mom's house when I was 17 and it was one of the best things I could have done. Granted, I did a lot of stupid things afterwards but overall, it was good for me. I am the hard headed type that HAS to learn on my own! haha Yes, it did cause conflict and possibly grief for my mom, but we are relatively close now and I am 37.

Maybe it would help to look at the reasons why he needed to move away. Back then, I would have said to get away from my mom but really, I needed to get away from everyone and everything. I need space to think. I know it sounds crazy but I did. I had very few rules at my house and did what ever I wanted so I can't even say that it was because my mom was domineering or anything like that. I needed to get out of the town I lived in and distance my self from it in order to find myself.

I just wanted to offer you a different perspective in hopes that it will turn out to be something very good for him. I am mature and responsible and have pretty much been since I moved out. I needed to sink or swim in order to learn it, maybe he does too.

Blessings to you,
Jodi


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

I moved out a week after high school graduation. I just wanted to party and not be bothered about coming home so early every night. I wonder if your ds isn't telling his gf's mom too much about whatever arguments you two have had. She's probably taking his side without getting the whole story.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Just let him know when you do speak that you do love him and your door is open for when he is ready to come home.


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

My daughter threatened to do this at 16 when she was having conflict w/ my stbx (her stepfather). Luckily, I got rid of him instead; she stayed and our relationship is healing. BUT, it was very scary knowing there was nothing I could do to hang on to her. I agree, call him and make sure he knows you love him and is free to come home. I have mixed feelings about the other mom. She's taking his side, but you don't really know what she's been told. I'd rather have my daughter staying with a friend if she's determined to leave, and my parents let several of my siblings' friends when they were going through rough times with their parents. It can be a godsend, but you don't want a mom who's hostile to you. I would call her, and let her know that you do love your son, you would like him to come home, but want to make sure he's safe. It's sufficient to let her know that there are 2 sides to every story; you don't need her to take "your side," but you want to try to be able to communicate with her about the welfare of your son.

The laws about liability are screwy, but I wouldn't get sidetracked worrying about them -- IMO, there is very little any of us can do at this point to control our kids even if they're under our roof. Most of us did the best we could, and to some degree we're all starting to turn them loose on society. If you have specific concerns that he might do something dangerous, like speed in a car, make sure the other mom knows, "he likes to drive fast, and that's why I don't let him use the car unless I'm with him." You may be liable if there's an accident, but she can be liable for negligent entrustment too if she lets him use her car.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Any updates?


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I think if he's under 18 the parent can revoke his license. If he's not a responsible drive I'd hurry up and do this so that you aren't liable if he gets in a wreck.


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## 2 in August (Jan 6, 2006)

I hope you're doing ok tonight.


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## bgb699 (Jun 2, 2006)

OMG, I didn't even realize that this thread was being read anymore!
He's still living with his GF and her mom, and is showing no interest (to me, at least) in coming home. A couple of his friends have told me that he wishes he hadn't left now, but is too stubborn to admit it or come back home. I do let him know whenever I talk to him that I love him and miss him, so hopefully he will keep this in mind if and when he's ready to come back.
He calls when he's out of money or needs something. This really bothers me. I feel that if he's old enough to be out on his own, then he's old enough to support himself. He actually called the Friend of the Court to confirm that his dad and I still have to support him until he's 18, and then called me to let me know this. Man, this is one screwed up set of loopholes that are in place.
His principle called me the second or third week of school to let me know that he had only attended 2 of the first 7 days of school. It's now a month into the school year and he hasn't been to school in two weeks. This is one of my biggest worries is that he would drop out, and it appears that he has. I talked with him at length, very nonjudgementally about it. His issue with school is that he only needs to take one class that is required, but they make him go for the entire day and he doesn't think thats fair. We talked about alternatives but just hit dead ends. Night school isn't offered in this district, the alternative High School is an hour and a half bus ride away (and he refuses to wake up that early), and he can't do GED until he's 18. His ideal solution is to enroll in an on line high school diploma course and work at his own pace. The problem is that it costs over $500.00, which he wants me to pay for. He doesn't understand that I am 8 mos pregnant busting my ass at work trying to make ends meet just to pay bills. There is no extra around here, especially when the reasonable solution is FREE, AKA public high school.
It really hurts to watch him head down this path, but there's nothing I can do but let him figure it out on his own. I was the same way, the rebellious teen that couldn't wait to get away from her parents. I left home when I was 17 too, but I already graduated from HS so I didn't have that holding me back.
I'm a lot more at peace with this now than when he first moved out. I still miss him, and it still hurts, but I learned to let go. That was the hardest part.
Thanks everyone, for all the hugs and advice. You have no idea how much you all helped me through this.


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## gradmama (Sep 2, 2007)

Ouch







I can't even imagine. I hope he comes back soon!


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## kaylee18 (Dec 25, 2005)

The GED could be taken at age 16 or 17 with parental consent when I took it in 1998, and I don't know of any reason to believe that the rule has changed since then.


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

I took my GED at 16 with my dad's signature, he should be able to. You really need to look into that because the truancy office can fine you and make your life a living hell if they want.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

The GED can be taken at 16 in Oregon. I checked into it a few weeks ago wondering if my DD could take it and go to the JC. She is 14 so no.


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## spero (Apr 22, 2003)

Gosh, I am sorry. Your kid is using the system that is designed to protect him, to screw YOU, and that sucks.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bgb699* 
He calls when he's out of money or needs something. This really bothers me. I feel that if he's old enough to be out on his own, then he's old enough to support himself. He actually called the Friend of the Court to confirm that his dad and I still have to support him until he's 18, and then called me to let me know this. Man, this is one screwed up set of loopholes that are in place.
His principle called me the second or third week of school to let me know that he had only attended 2 of the first 7 days of school. It's now a month into the school year and he hasn't been to school in two weeks. This is one of my biggest worries is that he would drop out, and it appears that he has. I talked with him at length, very nonjudgementally about it. His issue with school is that he only needs to take one class that is required, but they make him go for the entire day and he doesn't think thats fair. We talked about alternatives but just hit dead ends.

Can you speak to a legal aid society or something, about this? Like a PP noted, the truancy alone could get YOU in hot water. Your son should be legally emancipated if he *really* wants his freedom. Surely you have some legal options here, I'm just not well versed in the letter of the law concerning minors. IMO, if the GF's mom is willing to house him she should have to be responsible for making sure he goes to school, at least.

Quote:

_It really hurts to watch him head down this path, but there's nothing I can do but let him figure it out on his own._
Yeah, but the problem is that he's dragging you down this path with him, and you shouldn't be obligated to go along for the ride. Especially when you are pregnant, for crying out loud! I'm so, so sorry that you are being wounded by his selfishness. Please, please seek some legal advice.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I think you should really look into the legal ramifications of this. No idea what the law is were you live but in some states him not going to school could really get you in big trouble.










IMHO once someone moves out then it is up to them to pay their way. There has to be a way around this for you. If he is old enough to live on his own he is old enough to pay his own way.


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## spero (Apr 22, 2003)

Emancipation of a minor in Michigan

Family mediation

Quote:

Family mediation is a good choice for people who want to solve their family problems about money, business and personal life.

Quote:

Why Use Family Mediation? · Cost Savings. Agreements are generally reached more quickly in family mediation. The more issues that family members can solve out of court, the more they save in time, money, stress and energy. · Improved Communication. During family mediation, people must talk to each other. When agreements are made, it can help build trust and set a pattern for future conversations and cooperation. This lessens or eliminates the need to go to court and saves time and money in the future. · Private & Confidential. Anything you tell the family mediator during family

mediation is confidential and cannot be used against you later. Since family mediation does not take place in court, there is no public record of your private, family issues, except insofar as any agreement that you reached specifies in the final divorce judgment what the parties agreed to. In other words, the actual details of the discussions leading up to any final agreement are private, but the ultimate conclusions that are agreed to as set out in the judgment of divorce are public, since the judgment is a public record. · Mutual Satisfaction / Effective Results. The objective of family mediation is to make agreements that take care of everyone's concerns. · An important feature of mediation and of any agreement is that the parties are more likely to actually keep their end of the bargain when they make the deal themselves, than if someone else orders it. · Personal Control. Family mediation lets family members decide what is best for their own families and estate. It reduces problems and allows people to take control over the decisions which affect their lives.
Truancy intervention

ETA: Good news. According to MI law, he is not considered truant b/c he's over the age of sixteen.

Quote:

*School attendance at a public school is mandatory for students between the ages of six and sixteen in Michigan*, unless other qualified educational arrangements are made. 1895 P.A. No. 95 as amended, MCL 380.1561. Failure to comply with compulsory education can subject a person to criminal prosecution and if convicted to not less than two days nor more than 90 days in jail or a fine of not more than $50.00, or both. Also, an educational neglect petition in family court can be filed, MCI 380.1561, 380.1599, 712A2
http://www.ci.traverse-city.mi.us/Tr...site/page8.htm


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bgb699* 
He calls when he's out of money or needs something. This really bothers me. I feel that if he's old enough to be out on his own, then he's old enough to support himself. He actually called the Friend of the Court to confirm that his dad and I still have to support him until he's 18, and then called me to let me know this. Man, this is one screwed up set of loopholes that are in place..

ring ring

mom: hello?

son: hey mom, I need some money.

mom: sure sweety, come over and do your chores and I'll give you your allowance.

son: you're required to support me

mom: I do sweety, you have a bedroom, and a kitchen full of food, here. in your home. All you have to do is come use it.


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## NaomiLorelie (Sep 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
ring ring

mom: hello?

son: hey mom, I need some money.

mom: sure sweety, come over and do your chores and I'll give you your allowance.

son: you're required to support me

mom: I do sweety, you have a bedroom, and a kitchen full of food, here. in your home. All you have to do is come use it.

Exactly what I was going to say. You are required to support, but you get to choose how you are going to do that. Then he can decide if he is going to take the support. The law doesn't say you have to cut him a check.


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

Also, I believe there are online public charter schools in every state - these are free.


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## kaylee18 (Dec 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
The GED can be taken at 16 in Oregon. I checked into it a few weeks ago wondering if my DD could take it and go to the JC. She is 14 so no.

She probably does not need to take the GED to go to the JC. I was admitted to my local community college without having taken the GED. I told the guidance counselor that I'd been homeschooled and that I'd finished high school. They didn't ask for any documentation at all, just signed me up for the placement test.

JCs sometimes have programs for high schoolers to take classes concurrently with HS attendance as well.


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## luv my lil pearl (Oct 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaomiLorelie* 
Exactly what I was going to say. You are required to support, but you get to choose how you are going to do that. Then he can decide if he is going to take the support. The law doesn't say you have to cut him a check.









:


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## Organicavocado (Mar 15, 2006)

-Oops! Replied too soon... doesnt make sense now. Sorry!-


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## mahna_mahna (May 3, 2006)

Hey, Momma.
I thought I'd try to give you a different perspective on this situation if I could to try to make you feel a little better.
I was once that 16 year old girl that moved out of my father's house into a friend's house. I didn't get along at all with my stepsiblings or stepmother (sometimes with the siblings it turned violent!) and I thought it'd be best for me to do. I made a lot of bad life choices during that time...of course, and it was awfully selfish of me in some ways now that I look back on it. But I had a job and supported myself while I was out of the house.

It took some time for me to get over my overdeveloped sense of pride but I eventually told my father how much it meant to me that even though I had left and not in the best ways that he had always told me that I had a place to go, how he meant the world to me and I never wanted to hurt him when I did it. Our relationship is so strong now, it's impossible to break. I even started putting some extra effort into making some type of bond with my stepmother, even though those teenage years are still haunting us. (I'll be honest, I still don't have much respect for her, but I try.)

In the end, it takes time...and it sucks during the whole thing. Believe it or not, your son is probably just as scared as you are that your relationship will never be the same even if he seems to be acting so nonchalant about it. Don't give up. We're all here for you.

Sorry so late on the response.


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