# The things no one told me about miscarriage.



## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

This was suggested on another thread and I think its a great idea!

Here's some of mine

1. Once dx with a mc I thought I'd want it to be over right then and there. Do the D&C, take the pills stop this train! But I waited almost a week to take the pills.

2. The grief fades. It fades from other people's sight, but there are still moments where I see a nb or a preg woman and I well up. I still cry in the shower, I still cry in the car.

3. Your body will go back to normal soon after. I am still waiting on that one!

4. People who care will remember. My good friend and midwife invited me to a party for winter solstice, I couldn't answer I just started crying -that was my due date.

5. Men grieve in remarkably different and odd ways.


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

Yes, great thread idea!

1. That nobody ever *really* says what a m/c is. It's not talked about and is very "hush, hush" it seems. Unless you find yourself having one or have spoken with other women who have gone through it before it happens to you, the shock of what's happening to you makes it all so hard to believe (and that's a fairly poor description; "shock" doesn't even really come close to describing this...)

2. I found that I still had the food cravings, nausea, and some of the aversions that I had while I was PG as the hormones fluctuated in my body. There was pretty much one thing that worked on my nausea every time while I was PG and I had to have it when I started feeling gaggy after my m/c.

3. That I would stand up and feel like my insides had just fallen out of me when the sac, etc. came out.

4. The gore. I just had no idea. Murder scene ='d my bathroom.

5. How surreal and fascinating it is to watch your body work in this manner.

6. How deep that chasm of emptiness would go; that's a bitch.

7. How connected you feel to the women who have gone through this before you and the women who will go through this after you, yet, utterly and completely alone. Birth - the flipside.

8. No one ever told me about the newly found respect, gratitude, and awe I would have for being able to bring babies into this world in the first place. Unbelievably humbling, even more so for a person who feels pretty humble already!

9. Ohhh, the emotional numbness! That suuuuuucked.

10. How I would actually _look forward to_ and _want_ MS for *comfort*







. After having two pregnancies with unrelenting all day/all night nausea and fatigue into the 2nd trimester, I thought "Gee, this is a pleasant surprise not to be so sick!" Uh-huh, pleasant...

11. That I would question _everything_ I'd done up to that point since this somehow *must* be my fault.

Those are just a few of mine...


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

Oh, that everything doesn't necessarily happen all at once. I honestly have no idea just WTF I thought really happened during a m/c in the first place. Guess I just avoided thinking about it...

ETA: Oh, and how much my instincts kicked in during the process.

Apparently this thread is proving therapeutic for me







.


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## SuzieSmiles (Jul 13, 2012)

Wow, *mamacatsbaby* - just read this and I am totally







right now. I can't believe how you completely hit it on the head for me (all except #8 which must be an amazing feeling as well)! Wow, wOw, WOW! This IS really therapeutic and I thought I was pretty much over the major part of grieving, I guess it never really goes away does it...









*Shiloh* - this is where your #2 really rings true with me.









I wish I could add something, but you've both already said all I've felt. It's just surprising to me how the pain is still really here and those moments hit you, sometimes out of the blue and sadness just envelops you without any warning, ugh!

This thread is a great idea, thanks for sharing and allowing me share as well.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

No the grieving never stops.

I now stop myself when talking about my family, do I have four children but five pregnancies, if I have another will it be really six or just five.

It counted to me. I wonder how I will feel if I am ever blessed to be preg again, I will not complain if I have to suffer though ms for the entire pregnancy.

I was such a whiner in my four perfect pregnancies.


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## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

I haven't had a chance to read all the previous replies, but here would be mine-

1. That just being "young and healthy" doesn't mean you can't/won't miscarry.

2. That when you ARE the "young and healthy" one miscarrying- over and over and over again- it's very lonely, because it DOES seem like you're the only one, and your peers (among others) look at you like a freak of nature because 1) you wanted children in the first place, and 2) despite all those girls who had babies in high school (making it appear foolproof), you can't seem to keep them alive when you get pregnant.

3. That the majority of people around you won't likely want to talk about your losses because THEY are uncomfortable.

4. That announcing pregnancy is an entirely different ballgame when loss is involved. The whole "want to tell so I can get support if something bad happens" doesn't always work out that way, and in fact, can be even HARDER to deal with when people around you haven't experienced loss themselves. Having it ignored or swept under the rug just plain stings.

5. That bitterness and can be some of the hardest things to understand and deal with after losing babies. And that having successful pregnancies/living babies eventually doesn't necessarily make it all go away.

6. That I would find myself stooping to some serious lows in efforts to get people to remember my losses and what I've been through, and that learning to LET GO of that and understand that I may very well be the only one to remember my babies in the end and there's nothing I can do to change that is a very difficult thing to accept.

7. That a late first trimester loss results in actual, full-on contractions and labor. Never saw that one coming after numerous earlier, immediate losses.

8. That walking around with a dead baby inside of me was a strange thing- part relief that I had an answer as to whether or not my baby was okay, part anxiety waiting for the miscarriage "to happen, and part horror that I was still pregnant, but with a baby who was no longer alive.  All topping off the grief that naturally accompanies the loss of a very wanted baby.

9. That just because you're a "quiverful" family or one who leaves their fertility up to God does NOT mean you will end up like the Duggar's. We chose to let God choose our family size years ago, but I guess it never occurred to me that I could have more babies in Heaven than on earth. Never really hear of that side of any of those stories.

10. That hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I would have allowed myself to rely on my intuition more than the doctors confidence and my past experiences. Perhaps I wouldn't have lost my tube and gone through one of the most horrifying experiences of my life.

11. That being pregnant at the same time as friends/family- no matter how exciting the idea used to seem- becomes a dreaded experience, because being left behind over and over (and then going on to watch them be pregnant and have their babies) again can really wear a person down.

12. That after losses, people begin to watch your every move and try to find reasons for why "you" caused your miscarriages.

13. That people start deciding that you should be done having children because you keep losing them. Therefore, if you get pregnant again, you're treated as if you're irresponsible.

14. That even some people close to me who knew loss firsthand would grieve TOTALLY different than I did/do, and that it would affect our relationships because they felt I was too "whiny."

15. That future pregnancies will never be the same. Loss changes everything.

I think I'm gonna stop...I can see I'm making this really personal. But really, I think I would have liked to know those things before they happened to me. Probably not the same for everyone, though.


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## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamacatsbaby*
> 
> 10. How I would actually _look forward to_ and _want_ MS for *comfort*
> 
> ...


Just getting to read some replies now...and I totally agree with this! Though I did have one pregnancy (my late 1st tri loss) that I did have mild m/s, so that sort of changed things for me when I realized it didn't necessarily guarantee anything positive. But still, I always tell people that if it did, I'd totally take it. And it bothers me when they respond with, "You are crazy. You do NOT want m/s" and act like I'm insane.

Those same people haven't ever had any losses, though. I hardly expect them to understand.


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## coldinaugust (Feb 29, 2012)

Yes to so many of these! I think the one about miscarriage being a longer event than I thought it would be, the waiting, is what is hitting me the hardest, while we're in the throes of waiting. I thought it'd be a one day bleeding, but my first was a week+ long drawn-out period-type thing, and this one is a missed miscarriage.

And no one ever told me that everyone would try to comfort me by telling me about all the people they know who have had miscarriages, instead of living in a society where we can talk about a major part of our reproductive lives openly.

No one ever told me that after the first miscarriage, you're statistically not really much higher risk for future miscarriage, so doctors don't seem to want to monitor your next, so you don't really get to know if you're someone who struggles with recurrent miscarriage until after you've had two.

No one ever told me that you have to fight for tests after two miscarriages, because a lot of OB-GYNs are still using old guidelines that say to wait for three miscarriages.

No one ever told me how hard it can be to reproduce. The message I got was that babies can happen basically if a man sneezes around you, and that you need protection at all times if you don't want to be pregnant. But actually, a lot of folks struggle with infertility, and a lot of folks struggle with miscarriage.


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

No *Suzie*, I don't think it ever does go away







. I thought I was doing pretty well with the grieving process as well but I've realized that yeeeeah, not as well as i thought...
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
> I wonder how I will feel if I am ever blessed to be preg again, I will not complain if I have to suffer though ms for the entire pregnancy.
> 
> I was such a whiner in my four perfect pregnancies.


Yep, all of this (except change the four to two). I will soak up every sickly second and be grateful for it.
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *1babysmom*
> 3. That the majority of people around you won't likely want to talk about your losses because THEY are uncomfortable.


Or they want to "fix" it and say some pretty crazy stuff to you (not really realizing that they're







I don't think) b/c they're uncomfortable.
Quote:


> Originally Posted by *coldinaugust*
> No one ever told me how hard it can be to reproduce. The message I got was that babies can happen basically if a man sneezes around you, and that you need protection at all times if you don't want to be pregnant. But actually, a lot of folks struggle with infertility, and a lot of folks struggle with miscarriage.


Oh my goodness yes! I guess in the process of trying to prevent teen pregnancy no one ever really gave much thought to the fact that we were getting a pretty distorted view of fertility/pregnancy I guess??


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Quote:


> And no one ever told me that everyone would try to comfort me by telling me about all the people they know who have had miscarriages


For me it was people who wanted to talk about their abortion experiences. I'm pretty prolife (for myself) I didn't want an abortion I had a miscarriage, not even a
"spontaneous" abortion... Which is how I thought of mc one minute you're pregnant then it all of a sudden falls out! But in all seriousness this actually helped me realise that every mother values the lives of their unborn children even if they chose not to have them be born.


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## coldinaugust (Feb 29, 2012)

@Shiloh--what a wonderful thing to hear, that you were able to appreciate another perspective w/r/t folks' abortion experiences. I think they're definitely different experiences, but do have things in common, especially the "not supposed to talk about it" thing that silences major parts of women's lives and makes them even harder than they already are.


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## otheramerica (Nov 23, 2009)

*You can have a miscarriage without having a lot of cramping and pain.

I'm still upset with the midwife (Who I'm sure was just doing her best to comfort me) told me when I called at 9pm after bleeding bright red blood for over 2 hours that "Unless you're seeing clots or having cramps, it's probably nothing.)I sat on my couch like a dumba$$ thinking everything would be fine. I never said good bye to my baby and totally blame that woman for that. I felt so incredibly stupid at the ultrasound 3 days later. I actually said the tech in a steady, calm voice "No you must be mistaken. I never had any cramps. She said there would be cramps with a MC. Would you please look again?"


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## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *otheramerica*
> 
> *You can have a miscarriage without having a lot of cramping and pain.
> 
> I'm still upset with the midwife (Who I'm sure was just doing her best to comfort me) told me when I called at 9pm after bleeding bright red blood for over 2 hours that "Unless you're seeing clots or having cramps, it's probably nothing.)I sat on my couch like a dumba$$ thinking everything would be fine. I never said good bye to my baby and totally blame that woman for that. I felt so incredibly stupid at the ultrasound 3 days later. I actually said the tech in a steady, calm voice "No you must be mistaken. I never had any cramps. She said there would be cramps with a MC. Would you please look again?"


so sorry mama.







that is how my first miscarriage began too (for the entire first 24 hours or so...I went to the ER eventually and it wasnt until the poking and prodding that the pain began). I was told if I was just bleeding without cramps that I was likely fine.


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## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

Is there a book with this kind of info? Because the other night I was wondering about compiling one myself. I realize it wouldn't be something the average Joe would likely want to read, but at least it would be more widely available to women out there who really want to know. I know there are many miscarriage related books out there, but I don't know if any really go into a lot of detail regarding what really happens, how moms and dads really feel before, during, and after, etc. It's something I've been considering over the last few days but just wasn't sure....


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *1babysmom*
> 
> Is there a book with this kind of info? Because the other night I was wondering about compiling one myself. I realize it wouldn't be something the average Joe would likely want to read, but at least it would be more widely available to women out there who really want to know. I know there are many miscarriage related books out there, but I don't know if any really go into a lot of detail regarding what really happens, how moms and dads really feel before, during, and after, etc. It's something I've been considering over the last few days but just wasn't sure....


I've had the *exact* same thoughts over the last month or so...


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

This is a great idea!
I'd be into helping write it!


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

I've been wondering what kind of format would be good and how to go about organizing it. I think something like this is really needed. One thing I hear women say over and over is how they had *no idea* how common these losses are until it happens to them. Then it seems like all these women around them just come out of the woodwork with their stories.


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## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

I was kinda thinking like a "chapter" or section for each woman's story (multiple stories get their own chapters...since they are different experiences and different babies). And then maybe at the end of each chapter/section, have there be a part where dad gets to share his feelings (if he would want to). I wasn't sure whether to do all aspects of the stories in one section (like the events leading up to it, "gory" details, the aftermath, the emotions for months/years afterwards, etc) or to separate those, like experiences with the miscarriage in one part, then later on in the book the dealings with emotions in the time following loss...something like that, if that makes sense. I just wasn't sure what would flow best without it taking away from each woman's very personal stories.

With all the options for easily publishing on Kindle anymore, I figured that would be super simple, but I'd like it to be available in print as well, since I want it to be widely available, ya know?


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## Kamiro (Sep 3, 2011)

I wish I had a magic wand to wave to make all the wrongs in the world right...This is one of the most honest threads I have read and I thank you all for your feelings and thoughts. I'm sorry ladies.


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## coldinaugust (Feb 29, 2012)

There are a few books that share individual experiences or voices. I would say the best book of women's stories is About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing and Hope, which is also a strongly pro-choice book and some women discuss their previous abortion experiences, and how that may have affected their current narrative. Just a heads up if you have strong feelings either way; I appreciated the book's inclusion of another aspect of women's lives that is often silenced but matters a great deal to our life stories. As far as medical info with women's voices interspersed throughout the book, I think the best one I read was After Miscarriage, written by an author who has had three herself.

That said, I think there is always more room for people's voices on this subject, especially because it is so very often silenced. I'm glad more people are interested in talking about it, and writing about it, and publishing books about it, and anything I can do to support that project, I'm in. Power to you, folks!


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## planegreen (Jul 27, 2012)

Two I have to add are:

1 - Saying the words "dead baby" freaks people out, especially your DH, who may look at you with a combination of horror that you said that and pain that it's true.

2 - The ridiculous hoping that happens until your m/c actually completes or your D&C is finished. Miracles can happen, right? Right but ugh...


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## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

That year's later people will still.say things.that are so terrible. That eventually a birthday for.one of our children we lost would be a.beautiful day of remembering with our family and something I look forward to


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## deborahbgkelly (Feb 16, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *1babysmom*
> 
> I was kinda thinking like a "chapter" or section for each woman's story (multiple stories get their own chapters...since they are different experiences and different babies). And then maybe at the end of each chapter/section, have there be a part where dad gets to share his feelings (if he would want to). I wasn't sure whether to do all aspects of the stories in one section (like the events leading up to it, "gory" details, the aftermath, the emotions for months/years afterwards, etc) or to separate those, like experiences with the miscarriage in one part, then later on in the book the dealings with emotions in the time following loss...something like that, if that makes sense. I just wasn't sure what would flow best without it taking away from each woman's very personal stories.
> 
> With all the options for easily publishing on Kindle anymore, I figured that would be super simple, but I'd like it to be available in print as well, since I want it to be widely available, ya know?


Please also include people's stories of stillbirth and I don't just mean full-term stillbirth. I had a 22 week loss of identical twin sons- anything after 20 weeks is considered stillbirth and I have seen hardly anything that covers that period of time. Many books on miscarriage and some on full-term stillbirth, but very little in-between.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Just thought I'd jump in (I recognize several of you) and say that I started writing a site after my first loss (had one more after that...still writing the site) because I was so disgusted that there was no real information about the nitty gritty of miscarriage out there. Butterflies and rainbows and poems are nice, but I wanted to know how much blood to expect, what the baby was going to look like, etc. My site (in case anyone is interested) is Lost Innocents: http://lostinnocentsorthodox.blogspot.com/ There is a page on exactly what to expect, a page of photographs of babies at each (most) week gestation, people's stories, how to deal with a hospital, etc.


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## Pandme (Jan 31, 2007)

What it smells like. It smells like birth. I just had my first miscarriage today. It started naturally and ended with a D&C. When the cramps and clots started I was stunned to be reminded of changing pads in the hospital post birth. It smells exactly the same. That was unexpectedly painful.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Pandme: I'm so sorry for your loss.  Yes, it does. I was reminded of that after my last miscarriage and it was so painful to think that I wasn't about to emerge from the bathroom to see a bassinet in my room, but a plastic container with the baby in it.  Truly I had forgotten.


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## kitteh (Jun 25, 2009)

M Anna, I want to thank you for that site. I have not suffered a miscarriage myself, but know many who have and the lack of frank, honest information out there is something that they lamented during the process. I think that it adds to the difficulty, so your site really does a great service to women during a very difficult time.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

You're welcome, kitteh. I hope you never need it yourself. A lot of people have been helped by it (not to toot my own horn).


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## Pandme (Jan 31, 2007)

Thank you, M Anna. I'm still stunned any of it happened. I am so glad this thread and forum exists because so many are uncomfortable with this topic. I never thought I would have one. Heck, I wasn't even supposed to be pregnant....this was a surprise third baby. I feel like all I have been doing since February is processing shocking events.


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## Sleepymama (Oct 9, 2003)

Pandme, I just lost my surprise 3rd baby this week too (((()))). My other m/c were def. planned and this is harder in a way--I feel more guilty for some reason. Sorry for your loss.


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## Pandme (Jan 31, 2007)

I'm sorry for your loss, Sleepymama. I wish no one had to go through this. I am still having difficulty believing any of this happened. At least the D &C recovery has been easy so far.


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## Sleepymama (Oct 9, 2003)

I know. I feel like I lost a full month of my life. I was 8 weeks too. I feel like the hormonal fog is lifting and I'm coming out of a dream or something. Are you thinking about trying again? I have so many conflicting feelings about it.


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## Sleepymama (Oct 9, 2003)

Ack phone froze double post


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## Pandme (Jan 31, 2007)

No, not trying again. This pregnancy was a shock and I was having a hard time trying to see how our family would work with a new baby. I am 39 and I bet the chances of another miscarriage are high and I definitely to not want to have one ever ever again. I am sad that my reproductive life has to end in such a depressing way though. No happy memories here at all.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)




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## Sleepymama (Oct 9, 2003)

I'm 38. My kids are older too. I know what you're feeling. I'm sorry it had to end that way too


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

M Anna, thank you for your site. I found it through Google before seeing it here. Looking at the photos of babies who died close in gestational age to mine prepared me for seeing my own baby, a memory I will cherish. Very, very helpful.

I guess I'd say the things I didn't know about miscarriage were:


That your baby could die inside you and you would never know (fortunately, I happened to learn this 10 weeks before learning of my own baby's death or it would have been even harder).
That, as someone else said, carrying your dead baby inside you is actually more comforting than the emptiness after he's gone.
That you may want to see your baby no matter what the circumstances of your miscarriage, and that even if that freaks out other people it won't necessarily freak you out because it's your baby, your flesh and blood.
That it's not nearly as comforting to hear from women who had a miscarriage after many healthy children when you yourself have no living children. The only stories that comfort me are those very similar to my own--women who had a miscarriage first before going on to have several healthy children.
That it's very easy for people to say the wrong thing (and the right and wrong thing changes by the moment), so you have to be loving and compassionate and easygoing about that--just let go of the annoyance or hurt because others are trying their best.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

lovecarrieson: Big (((hugs))). I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for adding to this thread - those are great additions. I agree that in your deepest grief only the stories that are most similar to yours are the most helpful. (For instance, mine wouldn't have been helpful to you.)


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

Thanks, M Anna! The beautiful parts of my experience have been loving my angel baby and feeling the love and support from so many sources, including on this forum. I'm so glad to find like-minded people who have been through this before me.


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## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lovecarrieson*
> 
> M Anna, thank you for your site. I found it through Google before seeing it here. Looking at the photos of babies who died close in gestational age to mine prepared me for seeing my own baby, a memory I will cherish. Very, very helpful.
> 
> ...


These are really good ones!

Also to be prepared for everyone to tell you stories about some distant releative in a far away land who had a heavier than normal period that MUST have been a miscarriage but they do not know the name of the person or really anything about them besides this one fact.


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## bluelady (Jul 30, 2013)

My first baby passed away last night. There is a lot that people don't mention when they explain their miscarriage. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant on Saturday. Took three tests then went to the hospital because I was too anxious to wait for confirmation from my doctor. When he told me I was most certainly carrying, my husband and I were most excited. Then Sunday came and I began to bleed. It's almost like you can tell you are definitely going to miscarry; in your mind you know it is true, just from the first major cramp. Regardless of my intuition we went to the hospital and I spent all day there waiting for some sort of result. During that time they took my blood to check for HcG levels, urinalysis, and sent me in for an ultrasound. There was not much to see besides what looked like a veryy tiny spike in a black mass, but even so, I knew how much I already loved my baby. They finally told me that there was no way for them to know yet and that I needed to come back in two days. "Stay optimistic!"
I got home and was going to go pee, but as soon as I pulled down my pants, that little baby I had just seen on a screen hours ago was on my pad. I didn't know how to react. I just picked up my child and held it crying. There is no way to stop nature. The only thing that has motivated me to get out of bed is knowing that a lot of miscarriages are caused by abnormal fetuses. Your body knows when something is very wrong and will try to help you by disposing of the problem. If my baby wasn't healthy, then I'm glad. I don't want them to suffer. The only thing I can do now is move on and never forget. I hope you find comfort.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

No one told me I would break out in acne a week or two later. I wasn't hugely acne prone as a teen, although I had my share of pimples, but I had at least 8 on my face after my miscarriage, probably the most I've ever had at any one time. I guess the hormones work through, or something.


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## smlame (Nov 13, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *planegreen*
> 
> Two I have to add are:
> 
> ...


Oh, my YES! My DH looks at me like I'm being melodramatic or something. But it is a fact, I carried a dead baby around for two weeks before finally laboring for three days and giving "birth." It is a death. Two weeks before that, we had seen a heartbeat on an ultrasound. It was alive and then it was dead. Period. Sorry, can you tell it makes me angry just thinking of how people treat it like it's nothing and like you are the crazy one for saying things like "dead baby."


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Its interesting when does baby start to people, when the baby looks more human? Maybe like hormones, grief which all seem to be preprogrammed into moms this weird belief that is too common that unless it looks like a baby its not a baby is ingrained and grief and sympathy are given in proportion to size of baby at death.


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## taichimom (Jul 5, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LLQ1011*
> 
> These are really good ones!
> 
> Also to be prepared for everyone to tell you stories about some distant releative in a far away land who had a heavier than normal period that MUST have been a miscarriage but they do not know the name of the person or really anything about them besides this one fact.


Yeah my MIL made sure to bring that up when I m/c'd the first time- some heavy period she had years ago. She didn't like the focus on my pain and wanted to make sure the attention was re-directed back at her.

I guess the biggest thing is the amount of bleeding and clotting, even with a mid 1st-trimester one. My god- I bled AT LEAST five times more than I did postpartum with my two successful pregnancies.


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## mamata4 (Jul 15, 2013)

Thank you so much for your site, M Anna. Thank God I found it through a google search on Sunday as I was miscarrying. I had no idea that at 12.5 weeks I would have such strong contractions and actually go through labor and delivery of my baby. I also may not have identified my baby, as it was surrounded by a blood clot, if it had not been for your descriptions and pictures. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to hold my tiny baby, and be able to have her to bury.

Pandme- I agree about the smell. After I miscarried in my bathtub on Sunday, I remember thinking how it smelled just like it did at my homebirth three years ago. It was such an odd thing to think at the time. And I also feel like I've spent the whole summer processing shocking events. After getting over the shock of a surprise 4th pregnancy, and getting really excited about it, now I'm dealing with a far worse shock. I'm devastated that this will probably be the way I end my reproductive life.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

mamata4, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad that you were able to find and hold your baby. I know my pain would have been so much worse had I not been able to do that for my boys. I hope this is NOT the end of your reproductive life. That was one of my fears too.


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## starsmagick (Jun 29, 2013)

I agree!


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## ascher21 (May 7, 2012)

I am just completing a miscarriage right now that started on Sunday. No one told me ANYThInG about miscarriage.

1. Your midwives will help you through this: um, no. I signed up with a birth center and they were so vague about what would happen. I felt so alone during the process. Luckily my best friend is a midwife in New York and she told me all kinds of things. You can take Advil if you are Breastfeeding, and the pain of miscarriage is not a learning pain like labor, so I took some during the contractions and it made such a difference. She also told me I could take healing teas like dandelion or parsley. Iron supplements. Echinacea and vitamin c to avoid infection. I am still appalled by how distant the midwives were. I called during the worst of it and the head midwife didn't even know I was having a miscarriage.

2. The technician doing the ultrasound was a total dick. He talked on his cell phone before he did my ultrasound. He reprimanded me for not having a follow up. And by the way....having a follow up would have done nothing but make me worry for two months when I was going to miscarry. I probably would have worried about infection and who knows...gone for a d and c I guess. It was far humane to me to let it happen, even if I was mentally more crushed.

3. Do people not realize how physical a miscarriage is even at 11 weeks? I feel like no one understands, unless they've been there, just how horrifying it is to pass tissue. How your uterus feels like a ball and your waist has a belt of pain around it at like midnight as you cower in the bathroom. Not to scare anyone, but knowing these things would have been a bit more informative than "you will have some cramping and pass some clots".

4. You really learn who your friends ans family are. Those who are your friends ans family prove invaluable. Those who aren't don't even call you to check up.


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## starsmagick (Jun 29, 2013)

Hugs. I am so so sorry for your loss. I too am just finishing a miscarriage. No one does give you any information on what to do or what to expect. I'm here if you want to talk.


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## Redmom (Jul 26, 2011)

I just found out today's ultrasound that I've had another miscarriage.

No one told me:

1. That the grief gets opened up every time you learn of another friend or acquaintance being pregnant, or when you learn of someone who was due the same time as you were.

2. How lonely it feels when you're approaching your expected due date because there are no random strangers asking you about a growing belly, no friends asking how you are doing, no family and friends excited awaiting the good news. People forget that after you lose the baby, you are also moving closer to the expected due date but without a baby at the end of it.

3. How vulnerable you feel when strangers at parties casually ask "so are you going to have another one?".

4. How angry I feel when I hear of women complaining about pregnancy symptoms, or things like not getting the private room at the hospital.

5. That it doesn't always end quickly...with my first m/c I waited over 9 weeks for my body to release the pregnancy until I could take it no more and reluctantly opted for a D&C.

6. How insensitive the medical community can be- the nurse who insisted I provide a urine sample for a pregnancy test while I was being prepped for my D&C, the nurse who shrugged her shoulders when she couldn't read the script for my bloodwork and asked me why I was having blood drawn.

7. That even when you get pregnant again, you lose the innocence and joy because you know that anything can happen. And the envy you feel when other women casually announce they are 6 weeks p/g, or 9 week p/g with twins.

8. How incredibly painful the sound of silence at your ultrasound is, when you don't hear the heartbeat. How incredibly brutal it is to see your empty uterus at the ultrasound.

9. That once you have a miscarriage, whenever you learn of another woman suffering a pregnancy loss you just wish you could give them a baby.


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## starsmagick (Jun 29, 2013)

I feel like I'm starting a new pregnancy at random. I bought a box of tests cause I can't get my brain to make sense of things


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