# Spinoff: 11 year old girl looking at online porn



## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Purely hypothetical situation, here. In the thread about a boy of the same age, people suggested a subscription to Maxim or Playboy to replace the hardcore stuff he was seeing online. I am wondering what you would suggest for a girl in the same situation. Does she need "skin" of some more benign sort? Counseling? A talking-to? Our Bodies, Ourselves? On Our Backs?

You can guess my personal position: I don't think kids need porn, period. I don't think it teaches what needs to be taught about sexuality. I think it is harmful.

I'm not looking for a debate, I am just honestly curious how advice would differ if the situation was about a girl instead of a boy.


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## Yoshua (Jan 5, 2006)

wow, that is an awesome question, let me figure it out in my head and I will come back with an opinion.

Hopefully one that won't get flamed to harshley

Editted:

ok... I can only give opinions and advice coming from who I am. I am a guy and when I give advice on situations with young men it comes from my experiance as a young man trying to figure things out.

I guess my advice for a young woman going through this to be the same thing.

If the young woman is looking for the materials for mastebatory purposes and she really requires a visual I would advise her MOTHER (for some reason I honestly think as a guy I would be embarrassed to have this conversation with my daughter, but if mom wasn't around I would do my best) Then I would ask her if she wanted the equivlant such as GQ or I don't honestly know what racey teen/young adult magazines for girls have scantily clad men (or if it is women she is into for visuals I would stick to the maxim/fhm)

If she was looking at porn as an educational tool because she was interested in how it works I would have the same sit down conversation about how porn is NOT even remotely close to a valid descriptor of how 2 people have sex and I would try my best to educate her on how it really happens. The expectations that are built up and the realities behind it. So if they are looking at it for educational purposes I would be sorta sad that I didn't already start on that education before they went after it for themselves but I would do my best to pick up the slack.

The thing is, the resources are available to them if they want them online. There is no blocking them 100% if you have online in the house, and all it takes is a printer and a hiding spot to create a stash. I would rather regulate the images that go through the house than allow free roaming of the internet. I would also like to have a clear understanding with my children about the consequences of viewing such sites up to and including going to jail for the parents if the wrong sites are visited.

I think 11 is a little young to be looking at these items for mastebatory purposes, but I don't count anything out which is why I put down both my answers. I think for the most part someone who is 11 is just curious. However around 13 I would say they are already tempted to experiament and I would rather they experiament with a maxim in the privacy and safety of their own bedroom with the knowledge I have passed on to them, than to experiament with the neighbors son/daughter until they are truly ready for that step. Preferrably my kids won't feel pressured into decisions they don't want to make and they will be secure enough in their own shells to know what they want.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Ack.

More or less the same as with a boy. Full, frank discussion about both the mechanics and the emotional aspects of sex, as well as some of the issues raised by the type of material she's been looking at. Explain why curiosity is natural but I have an issue with those sites, and that it's not in my view appropriate for her to be spending time there.

So far as subscriptions to other material goes...um, New Moon Magazine??


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'd handle it exactly the same way I'd handle it with an 11yo boy. I'd teach the child about normal sexuality, and point out the ways in which pornography differs from that. I'd give the child a solid background to understand what he or she viewed. I'd emphasize that sexuality is something wonderful, and you don't want skewed views from pornography to mess that up when you're ready for it.

If a child of either gender asked about adult bodies of the same and/or opposite sex, I'd go to a medical book and/or medical/factual websites for drawings and photographs.


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## Individuation (Jul 24, 2006)

It's an interesting question, because most of the girls I knew at that age weren't interested in visuals but were reading all sorts of explicit stuff like those Flowers in the Attic books that gave a dreadfully skewed, anti-woman account of sexuality. Rather than pretend the issues are exactly the same (porn! visual porn! dirty pictures!) I'd be more interested in looking at the different ways each gender begins to explore the "forbidden knowledge" aspect of sexuality, and how we as parents can make that more positive and less potentially damaging. I know that a LOT of people think that the sort of explorations girls do (books more often than pictures, "erotic" movies more often than hardcore porn) are somehow lighter and don't matter, and I think that in itself is a form of sexism.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Well I didn't suggest a subscription and I wouldn't buy one specifically for my teen. I did say that when I was a kid we had them laying around. But they weren't mine nor for my benefit, although I did read them.

Our Bodies, Ourselves? We have a copy and my dd has her own copy. On Our Backs? Haven't read it read it yet unfortunately so I can't comment. I've bought Curve before but I can't imagine anything in there that would be offensive to anyone except people that have problems with lesbian relationships. It has sat in the living room.

The rules aren't different for girls here, well I don't have a boy so my rules are reflecting that I have a daughter.

I don't think that porn teaches what needs to be taught about sexuality either, but I don't feel that it's harmful if it is sought out by the individual themselves.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I am for 'no porn'.








:

We have but one computer in our home, and sometimes we all scramble for it.

We can afford a computer in every room, a chicken in every pot.

As neither dh nor I think porn benefits young children or young teens, we feel totally comfortable not offerring it up.

While we do not have controls on our computer, we do have the computer in a public area of our home.

We've spoken to our teens about exploitation and disrespect. We hope it makes a difference for them.

If we found certain porn on our computer from our teen, we would limit computer access. I know that is wrong for some folks here, but dh and I have discussed this and this is how we feel. We do not think it's healthy, and we do not think viewing porn on the internet lends itself to respectful sexuality.


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Exact same answer for a girl as I gave for a boy...absolutely no porn...hardcore or otherwise.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

At 11 years old I was actively masterbating to/with Playboy...................














:

I wouldn't say here have at porn with any of my children but I wouldn't rule it out. I would be more worried about them reading some of the Romance novels than looking at PlayBoy.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
At 11 years old I was actively masterbating to/with Playboy...................














:

I wouldn't say here have at porn with any of my children but I wouldn't rule it out. I would be more worried about them reading some of the Romance novels than looking at PlayBoy.


'Romance' novels (as I know them) do not bother me. Literature (no matter how sucky) is not the same (to me) as well- lit







: explicit photography. I'd really rather the imaginination take over.

Me, myself, and I have never been against masturbation. Ever.







Rock on there, I say.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I bet your wouldn't say that if it was the Sleepy Beauty series or The Story of O


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I bet your wouldn't say that if it was the Sleepy Beauty series or The Story of O









If I had to choose which porn lit my adult dds would be exposed to, I would nix The Story of O. It's is completely testosterone-centric.







:


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## duckling (Feb 24, 2007)

Perhaps a well-written book of erotica would make a good substitute--there are no explicit visuals and as print is a static medium, you can control the consumption for whatever you think is appropriate for your child.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

UUMom I want to be like you when I grow up!

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. Glad it's not getting into debate, I was just curious how many would handle it differently based on gender.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

I just have to point out here - Stuff, FHM, and Maxim are not porn. Well, they have 'scantily clad' women but not naked ones. They're sold off the regular shelf, not the behind-the-counter-wrapped-in-plastic shelf. I used to read them myself all the time. The only Playboy magazines I've seen were from the 70's, and they had one naked centerfold and that was pretty much it. It is probably different now, but I was surprised, I thought there would be way more naked pictures in Playboy. The centerfold photos were actually fairly tasteful.

Anyway. I just think there is a big difference between 'hardcore' porn and pictures of naked women. I would be okay with an 11 year old looking at pictures of naked men or women. I would not be okay with them seeing explicit pictures of people engaged in actual sex acts, which to me is 'hardcore' porn.

As far as I know, Playboy doesn't have hardcore porn. I know, it has airbrushed models with silicone enhanced breasts, which is not something I condone, but it isn't, in my personal opinion, nearly as exploitative as 'hardcore' porn. However, the stories in Playboy might be a bit much for an 11 year old. A 16 year old, maybe, but 11 is pretty young.

I'm not sure if I would do so myself, but I can understand wanting to give an 11 year old magazines with scantily clad or naked women rather than have them looking at explicit video porn online that is way, way too adult for them. A lot of what is online is too adult for me!

Having said that, I was an avid reader of smutty romance novels starting around age 12-13... I think the words 'hard manhood' were waaay over used. Oh and don't forget Ayla and Jondalar, the sexy cave people.


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## Pepperdove (Apr 13, 2007)

Bigger problem with giving an 11 year old girl naked women to loook at (or even just undie-clad women) is that she WILL start wondering why she doesn't look like that. B/c she doesn't. And she won't. But she very well might go on a diet, or start sticking her finger down her throat, or something along those lines.

Girls get this already from all sides. I would go the romance novels route. Or Gossip Girls. Or whatever.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2* 
Ack.

More or less the same as with a boy. Full, frank discussion about both the mechanics and the emotional aspects of sex, as well as some of the issues raised by the type of material she's been looking at. Explain why curiosity is natural but I have an issue with those sites, and that it's not in my view appropriate for her to be spending time there.


Exactly.


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## littlest birds (Jul 18, 2004)

We've actually had this happen with my 12yo daughter in some incidents that involved a slightly younger boy and some finger pointing. (In fact i suppose she was 11yo at the time) Long story... But:

I believe that those who think porn calls for some mechanical sex education are missing something important. It's not simply that kind of curiosity. It's sexual excitement. I remember how it thrilled me to look at it when I was an early teen. I WAS curious, but more than that I was VERY stimulated and excited.

I talked to my daughter and that was all fine. But talking to the boy's mother was weird because she was completely fixed upon her son's lost innocence and it sounded like she had never been able to talk about sex with him. So he got in lots of trouble and she told him he could ask her questions if he was "curious." AND he said it was our daughter who started it all because he was caught at the school where his mom is a teacher. And does anyone think he started asking his mother about sex instead of his buddies?

As for us, we have been more careful about computer access--we don't allow porn and I already limited computer use. There was sneaking and that dishonesty is a big deal to me (we talked about fear inspiring dishonesty too and about how afraid her friend must have felt as well)

We talked about how porn is appealing and exciting and it's easy to see why people like to look at it. We talked too about how it was often fake and not "loving" and about her actual interest in it (She had concluded it wasn't very interesting--she said the boy had told her to look at the site and actually asked her about it frequently afterwards.) I'm glad she knows what porn is, knows what she thinks of it at this point in time, knows that she shares the earth with people who are into porn, and is a little safer and more aware because of what she knows. She even knows it's "okay" to like it herself even though it is not going to be part of our household media content. She has been allowed to read some romance novels to see what they're like but she soon found them boring. She has lots of graphic sex ed kinds of books (I work in a used bookstore and she picks up whatever she is interested in )--but the ones I like seem to emphasize how to "be smart" and keep yourself safe, happy, healthy as a teen emerging into independence. Fortunately she likes them too.

We've had plenty of changes this past year. Menstruation and full puberty have been accompanied by a very real interest in boys. I am feeling really good about the porn experience we've had and her growing overall awareness of the "sexual environment" around her. It seems like a tiny blip among so much more real stuff happening. It adds to her maturity and awareness. At this point the more she knows about what's out there, the better, and the more she knows about what some men have on their minds, the better for her as well. I'd rather have her a step or two ahead than semi-clueless.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Yeah I have to wonder if the people posting the responses that say you should talk about the mechanics of sex if you catch teens with porn, actually have teens. First off, you should have already talked with them about that long ago. And if you haven't then I'm pretty sure they already know from talking to their friends.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I didn't answer in the other thread, but my answer for either sex is the same. I don't have a problem with pornography and wouldn't freak out about my kids looking at it . . . I don't intend to block them from accessing it on their computers, either. I've looked at a lot of porn (reviewing sites and doing SEO work for adult webistes is my job), and I don't find any of the legal stuff too objectionable to explain to my kids -- who will likely have very advanced sexual knowledge for their ages, anyway.

If they wanted magazine subsriptions or erotica writing, I would get it for them if they asked.


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## sanctasapientia (May 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pepperdove* 
Bigger problem with giving an 11 year old girl naked women to loook at (or even just undie-clad women) is that she WILL start wondering why she doesn't look like that. B/c she doesn't. And she won't. But she very well might go on a diet, or start sticking her finger down her throat, or something along those lines.

Girls get this already from all sides. I would go the romance novels route. Or Gossip Girls. Or whatever.

I agree with going with romance novels, but I think the Gossip Girls series are ENTIRELY inappropriate for eleven year-old girls. I'm seventeen with an eleven year-old sister, and I bought one of the books to see what the fuss is about. One of the characters has and gets away with an eating disorder (one of yuor issues with women in porn or magazines like Maxim) while others sleep around and drink with no consequence. One girl even sees losing her virginity as a goal to get to before college. All in all, I think it's totally wrong to give a book like this to someone who may take it seriously.


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## BrooklynDoula (Oct 23, 2002)

I think children are children no matter their genitals and I don't make parenting decisions on the presense or absence of a penis, as such. If it was age appropriate behavior, I would allow it or encourage it or explain it or whatnot no matter the genitals of my child.


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## Equuskia (Dec 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I didn't answer in the other thread, but my answer for either sex is the same. I don't have a problem with pornography and wouldn't freak out about my kids looking at it . . . I don't intend to block them from accessing it on their computers, either. I've looked at a lot of porn (reviewing sites and doing SEO work for adult webistes is my job), and I don't find any of the legal stuff too objectionable to explain to my kids -- who will likely have very advanced sexual knowledge for their ages, anyway.

If they wanted magazine subsriptions or erotica writing, I would get it for them if they asked.

I'm in the same boat with you. DH was in the porn business as well (and looking to get back into it), and he has shown me some of his collection. While there are some genres of porn that would be a little too "intense" for a tween, most porn is pretty tame. Softcore especially. I agree that sex ed should start early, as kids are reaching puberty at a much earlier age than before. Waiting until they are a teen, imo, is too late. I think that at 11, kids know the difference between reality and fantasy, and explaining to them that porn is mostly a depiction of people's fantasies, the same way that sci-fi movies and fiction books are fantasy. Hardcore is just people acting. The only difference is they are having sex as opposed to fighting Klingons in a far away galaxy.


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## Organicavocado (Mar 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Individuation* 
It's an interesting question, because most of the girls I knew at that age weren't interested in visuals but were reading all sorts of explicit stuff like those Flowers in the Attic books that gave a dreadfully skewed, anti-woman account of sexuality. Rather than pretend the issues are exactly the same (porn! visual porn! dirty pictures!) I'd be more interested in looking at the different ways each gender begins to explore the "forbidden knowledge" aspect of sexuality, and how we as parents can make that more positive and less potentially damaging. I know that a LOT of people think that the sort of explorations girls do (books more often than pictures, "erotic" movies more often than hardcore porn) are somehow lighter and don't matter, and I think that in itself is a form of sexism.

I agree with the points here that girls explore/discover sexuality in different ways than boys. I preferred books over pictures, and the pictures I did like were anatomy book style pictures.. they weren't sexual in nature, but informative.

As far as what to give, I don't know. Seems there is a lot of opinions on what is sexist and what will give the girl a skewed sense of reality as far as their bodies are concerned... and while i think its especially important to keep this away from them in their formative years, it's going to come around eventually and seep in without them realizing what it is. This is why I think "the talk" should come with either male or female kids/teens if porn is found. What is fiction and what is reality, etc. should be explained... but as far as what to "allow" i can't really form an opinion on. Most pornograhic material is made for men since they are visual creatures, most romance novels are made for women since thats what they prefer. I don't know that an eleven year old needs to be stimulated at all, while I think they shouldn't be held back from exploring their feelings, I wonder if it wouldn't just be best to see what they come up with. I don't know how comfortable I would have felt if my mom had physically handed me the anatomy book, much less a graphic novel/Maxim, I had gathered on my own that this was something that was private and I don't know if I had the mentality to decipher the difference between private and forbidden. I think if I was in the situation, with either a male or female, I would have to sum it up as "I know this is very interesting for you right now, but it's something that adults do and these are things made for adults. It's not naughty, its very natural, I'd be happy to talk to you about it anytime you'd like." but I can't see myself physically handing my 11 year old son/daughter porn of any type.







: If I found a stash thats different. If it was hardcore porn it would warrant a discussion specifically about the pictures but if it was just undies/nudie pictures, I would just let it go and encorporate other ways of talking about how women (and men!) are portrayed in films/pictures without actually bringing up the stash itself. I think that warrants discussion in and of itself, connected to or not connected to pornographic media.


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