# Obsession



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

So these thoughts were sparked by my birth story thread...

I wouldn't say that I'm obsessed but I certainly can't stop thinking about becoming pregnant again. It's simply not possible for me to do that right now and I know that it wouldn't be good for me emotionally. Still I think about it constantly. I wish I wasn't so overweight and I wish I didn't need meds to control my bp and mental health. If these things weren't an issue I would probably be looking at getting pregnant within the next few months. However as I said before I'm sort of glad that I really HAVE to wait because honestly it probably is what's best.

Before being pregnant with Micah-my little surprise man, I was in the process of losing weight. I dropped 54 lbs on Weight Watchers and still needed to get off about 40 more lbs. So, I'm getting back on track with that in hopes that it will improve my mild chronic hypertension. It does run heavily in my father's side but I'm praying that it improves upon losing all this weight on my small frame. I'm up about 30 lbs now after pregnancy and almost 9 weeks pp. Back to the drawing board









As far as my mental health, it's been an ongoing battle my whole life. I'm bi-polar but always have been well controlled. I need my meds right now and HAVE to be on them to be stable. Getting pregnant requires me to wean off since my meds are HEAVILY contrandicated causing birth defects etc. My BP meds are the same. All that said, it is obviously ideal that I be off them BEFORE getting pregnant. I had to stop cold turkey with Micah since he was a surprise and I don't want to deal with that again







Too scary.

Sooooo I'm just tormented over this. Anyone else ? It seems like it's so far away. I don't think I'll be ready until the end of summer or into the fall of this coming year and that really stinks since we were looking forward to Na'omi and Micah being close in age. Micah was to be our last. That has changed now but a future baby will not be close in age to her at all considering how long I need to wait. Huge bummer.

Gosh, I'm so down about this.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Kristie, I am totally obsessed as well. We may have one more chance to get pregnant before my husband leaves and I am afraid of what will happen if it doesn't work. I will be okay, but I can't imagine facing him being gone, my due date, the anniversary of our son's death, etc without having the hope that a new baby brings to go with it. I am sorry that all of us are in this boat instead of with our LOs.


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

That just sucks.







I am lucky enough that I do not have to wait to try again. But I really identify with your anxiety over having kids close in age. After DD was born I planned out exactly when I wanted to get pregnant to have the perfect-aged sibling for her. I was not prepared for infertility, or to be diagnosed with autoimmune thyroiditis, which makes miscarriages more likely. I was not prepared to finally get pregnant after trying for a year only to have a miscarriage. But it did happen. And I am trying very hard to let go of the idea that I can control what happens. What happens just happens. And DD will be fine even if she ends up an only child.

I don't know if that helps, but I couldn't read your post & not share how I feel (or am trying to feel). Good luck. And







.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

For me it's been a totally life changing experience, losing Josie. Before, I was very good at working very hard at my job, spending whatever time I could with my family in between even though I knew my job just wasn't healthy for me in terms of hours and stress level. Now, I've changed everything - nothing comes before my family. I want to have another child so badly - that's for sure - but then my whole life now newly revolves around being with my family and making my family stronger and healthier, basically. Now that I've been pregnant, I want to be constantly pregnant like some kind of queen bee!







I just love being pregnant - I've never felt so good about myself, ever - like some life giving being, I was. Lovely.

So this experience, sure, has left me with a need to have another child sooner. I think that's totally understandable. But also, it's caused me not to create or exacerbate situations that aren't right for my family. I don't give up my family for anything now - I'm more fiercely protective of them than ever. Maybe it's because this whole deal has made me realize just how mortal we really are, and that any of my family could be hit by a car or have a tree fall on them (this happened to me this last summer - my company car was smashed by a tree. Totally wrote off a 2007 Chevy Malibu...) and be gone. Gotta hug them all while you can...









*HUGS* XXXX


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I have felt pretty desparate to become pregnant again even since lying in the hospital bed, rubbing my big Dresden belly, waiting for them to cut him out of me.. I thougth maybe the feeling would go away after the shock wore off.. but it hasn't. It's still here, and I'm still wanting to get pregnant soon. I'm lucky too, that I don't have any medical reasons for waiting.. I could alway stand to lose some pounds.. but I weigh less (by a few pounds) now than when I got pregnant with Dresden..
I've been working out every day, I feel like I need to get my body into the best posible shape since we all know that two pregnanices in a row are tough on the bod.. but also, it's been great for my mental health and makes me feel like I'm doing something productive for the next pregnancy.


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

me too.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Kristie, I can relate. I would say there are times I obsess about getting pregnant again. We already have names picked out! We chose the boy names just days following the birth of DS. Our girl names have been chosen since before I was pregnant last time. I fantasize about what names we'll get to use and what the pregnancy will be like.

I'm waiting anxiously for AF to arrive so we can begin TTC. I think about it a lot. After I was supposed to have DS I was going to work on losing the rest of the weight I lost before getting pregnant. I'm fluffy and knew I wanted to lose some weight before the next baby. I don't have any weight related health concerns or conditions, but I know I need to lose this weight.

Yeah, well, I'm not waiting to lose weight to begin TTC. I have this strong urge to begin TTC ASAP.

Good luck with getting ready for next time.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Thanks for the responses









You know, I think the biggest reason that I'm choosing to do things this way is so that there's the possibility that it will eliminate as much stress surrounding what my prenatal care and birthing situation could potentially be like. I'm a homebirther with my dd before Micah a UC and Micah was a planned UC as well so the thought of being flagged as super high risk is going to be waaaay hard for me. I'm going to have to fight even harder for myself than normal and that just does not appeal to me. I mean, I am all about having reassurance via ultrasounds etc and I'm even fine with them making a fuss over me at appointment I suppose but I feel like I'm going to be targetted and they will be constantly LOOKING for a reason to cut me open or induce me. I really don't want that and it stresses me out just thinking about it. I'm really hoping to at least eliminate the bp issue so that I'm in a lesser category of risk. I just hate the whole medicalized process and while I know I will need a portion of it to be somewhat at peace, I could do without many aspects of the model









I'm even fine with hospital birth at this point. I'm not sure that I could peacfully birth at home simply due to the fear factor... unless my bp was good,did dual care and had a super experienced midwife. I'm about 20 minutes from a hospital now and that's not too comforting either. Not to mention midwife attended hb's are totally illegal in RI







There are midwives that deliver under the radar but that just adds another fear factor to what will already be a sticky situation for me emotionally. Who knows how I'll feel when the time comes but it just feels good to pour out these thoughts and get some feedback.

The fact is that I canreally do whatever I want... I can go off all meds and have another baby. I have that choice but I know it's not the right one. I will be too scared, not healthy enough ( imo) and simply VERY physically uncomfortable. For me, being heavy to start makes pregnancy wicked on my body.

Thanks for letting me vent


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Brittany - a strange thing about names.. we had the hardest time naming Dresden.. we went through SOOO many names books and sites.. Dresden was on our list for a long time, but when Shaun would use any of the names in conversation, nothing fit. Looking back I wonder if it was a sign of some sort? Anyway.. I have another obsession.. I use a pendulum over my wrist to tell me what the sex of my babies will be. It used to say girl, boy, girl then after Dresden died it says girl, boy, boy, girl, boy! Now, when I hold it over I always say the kids names when they show up, I 'l say Gwen, Dresden, boy number 2, girl 2, boy 3 while I'm doing it.. but a couple months ago when boy 3 showed up, I said Benny instead! I kind of shocked myelf when I said it because first, I don't really like the name "Benny" But Bennet (Ben) was on our list of names for Dresden and I'd already told Shaun that I didn't think we'd use any of HIS names.. but now I feel like that's our next boys name! Strange that we spent the whole pregnancy not knowing Dresden's name.. and now I've got Ben's before he's even conceived!
sorry, this is totally off topic!


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Kristie - it does feel good just to get your thoughts out, doesn't it? And who knows? Next month you might feel totally different about when you want to try again.. it's different for every woman. You don't need the extra stress because as we all know STRESS is something the the next pregnancy is bound to produce already, no need to add extra on top of that!


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Agreed. I know I'm probably going to be all over the place for some time about these things. I'm the type of person who ALWAYS feels like I have to sort things out ahead of time and be prepared while at the same time I end up doing things completely spontaniously therefore PREVENTING myself from carrying out my own obsession with being prepared







Whatever







I think I'm insane.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh Shannon







Bennet is a cute name!

For me, Opus is a name I am going to use somewhere next time. Opus is part of the name of my blog and means basically "greatest work" - so fitting. Not saying any subsequent children would be any less, but that this next one is the one after Josie, so that name would fit I think. It would also conceivably work for either a girl or a boy. I became very determined to use it a few days ago, in the shower


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I love Opus! How perfect!
I decided that our next girl's name will be Delaney Shea - I want her initials to be the same as her brother. I dont' want anther boy with DSR for initials though.. not sure why? Maybe it's a mental thing to have names already.. maybe I feel if I have a name.. then the baby won't die!?
We're all a little insane now Kristie!! can't help that, now can we?! it adds to our character!? hmm hehee


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Ahh, reminds me of Mr. Holland's Opus.







I like it! I think Bennet is a great name!

I like traditional and classic names.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Oh ... bit late arriving on this thread thanks to the time difference! Also, have just had 2 glasses of very yummy wine so apologies if this doesn't make sense!!

I am TOTALLY obsessed ... the only reason we're waiting is that I have a really strong intuition that it's important for us to wait until March ... can't explain it (divine providence?) but I feel like if I got pg before March, I would have a m/c so I'm happy to wait. BUT ... I spend a LOT of time thinking about this. The weight thing is funny for me. I was "cuddly" with my two eldest children - carried without complication. I lost 26 lbs before conceiving again - I miscarried. I comfort ate 14lbs back - got pg with Emma and didn't get to bring her home. I have a hard job thinking that losing weight (for me) is a significant factor in my pregnancy journey.

But Kristie: I understand how you feel about the age gap. I was ready to try again for a third child when my DD was 2. It took her daddy a little longer to feel ready so it was 6 months before we tried again. 4 months to conceive, a 6 week miscarriage, 3 months waiting to try again, conceived Emma first month of trying again, didn't get to keep her. Now the gap will be 5 years minimum







I think that might be why I have a bit of a hankering for twins! I know my next pregnancy will likely be my last so having 2 would mean we wouldn't have a child who might end up feeling "tacked on". On the other hand, I'm quite sure they'd enjoy their "baby" status, if I were to have a singleton ...

Shannon: I found it impossible to name Emma (especially as we thought she was a boy) but now, I have name(s) too (the "s" is about those twins I mentioned!







): Nathaniel Joseph and George Emmanuel. No girl's names though, I don't feel as though there is another girl out there for me (which is fine, I have 2 right!). So there we go. No idea if any of this means anything but that's where I am. I am aware right of how crazy it all sounds but we're crazy in this together, right!?

I LOVE the names Opus and Bennet (my son is a Benjamin but is always a Ben)


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

I find myself thinking lots about when we should try again and such. And right now I feel bad thinking about it too, since little Fiona was born less than 2 weeks ago. But pretty much instantly after I had to let her out of my arms the urge has been strong.

We have our appt. to go over autopsy reports and bloodwork from both me and Fiona on Feb 3rd, so we will be using protection until we find out if we could know anything to help a future pregnancy and baby.

I'm terrified I won't ever have another little girl too. All my life I've felt that I'd only have boys (not that there is anything wrong with boys, I adore my Orion and would certainly adore any future children regardless of sex), and I wonder if the feeling is true, that I won't get to have any live girls.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StarMama* 
I find myself thinking lots about when we should try again and such. And right now I feel bad thinking about it too, since little Fiona was born less than 2 weeks ago. But pretty much instantly after I had to let her out of my arms the urge has been strong.

Don't feel bad mama ... certainly not here. We all understand the longing to fill our arms. We all know that no new baby will be a replacement for our lost forever children whom we will adore until we die. We just know that we have love in abundance to lavish on our babies' siblings ... and that is a GOOD thing


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
Don't feel bad mama ... certainly not here. We all understand the longing to fill our arms. We all know that no new baby will be a replacement for our lost forever children whom we will adore until we die. We just know that we have love in abundance to lavish on our babies' siblings ... and that is a GOOD thing









Very true. As soon as we let him go I wanted another baby. I wanted to bring home a baby instead of a purple box filled with mementos. I didn't even intend to "bring home" a baby. He was supposed to be born at home. I still want all of that.

We have two girls and I wanted a boy so much. I really want the next baby to be a boy.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I want another boy too brittany.. a couple weeks after Dresden died, we were driving somewhere, and i was telling Shaun how I longed to be pregnant again.. and I told him, but I don't want a girl (even though at the time I felt like I would have a girl next) I want a boy.. and then I really realized that I just wanted HIM!







Now, of course i do still long for dresden in my arms but I dont just want him back, I know I can't have that, I want the next baby. There isn't much I expect from my rainbow baby.. just BREATH, that's about it!







I'm sure we all have the same basic desires!


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
I became very determined to use it a few days ago, in the shower

















I'm sorry but this is GREAT







<-------- ducks and runs









Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
We're all a little insane now Kristie!! can't help that, now can we?! it adds to our character!? hmm hehee

Yes indeedy! And since we're also obsessing on the name issue that's definately included in my whole deal I've got going on here. You see, dh is a Jr. *AND* is his Father's only child. He was raised by him, a single Dad. We decided to go ahead with carrying the name on and had decided so while I was still pregnant. When Micah was born it was only right in our hearts to keep the name we had already given him. However, the obvious bothers me. I know it seems sort of shallow but for me it is really hard to think that now we've stopped the line short. It took us a while to even decide to use the name and now, well, he's gone and will never have children so there will be no Micah Ray Milligan IV







It hurts my dh deeply to think about it. Some people have told us that we should name a subsequent boy Micah IV in honor of all 3 Micahs- particularly Micah III... I don't know though. Seems wierd but I can't help entertaining it a little. Do you think it's totally inappropriate to think that way? I guess all rational rules go out the window for those of us that have lost children. Everything is so different now, eh?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
Now the gap will be 5 years minimum







I think that might be why I have a bit of a hankering for twins! I know my next pregnancy will likely be my last so having 2 would mean we wouldn't have a child who might end up feeling "tacked on". On the other hand, I'm quite sure they'd enjoy their "baby" status, if I were to have a singleton ...

Micah was to be our last as well... so the next baby we have will likely be it for us. BUT I do have to admit that today while I was driving I actually had a brief craving for 2 more rather than just one not twins but 2 more singletons. BRIEF is the key word in that sentence







If I am able to get pregnant when I'd like to there will be a 4 year gap between Na'omi and the baby.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
Don't feel bad mama ... certainly not here. We all understand the longing to fill our arms. We all know that no new baby will be a replacement for our lost forever children whom we will adore until we die. We just know that we have love in abundance to lavish on our babies' siblings ... and that is a GOOD thing

















: 100 times over

ETA - I am the queen of run on sentences tonight!! and I'm not fixing them. Oooooooh, I'm naughty. Feeling rebelious


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

sigh. it really is nice reading all your comments... so many of us are feeling similar things. like feeling desperate to be pregnant, but having so many reservations. i am 10-15 lbs. heavier than before i conceived and want to lose the weight before i get pregnant... but i am totally not trying to lose it. (the second beer in my hand can attest to that!) i want to get pregnant ASAP, but am so scared, so i think i might be saying 'i need to lose weight first' in order to put it off. also because i am nervous that maybe i'll be more likely to abrupt again if i don't wait longer (no good reason for this, i'm just worried about EVERYTHING). and the other thing many of us are feeling is the intense desire to have another baby of the same gender of our loss. i know i would adore a little boy, i thought my DD1 was a boy until we found out otherwise, but the minute i knew she was a girl, that's all i wanted. and so we were so over-the-top thrilled that DD2 was a girl. i'm so scared i'll never have another girl. and intellectually, i know that's ok. i will be so happy to have another child in my arms, but you can't help what you feel.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Definately on the gender train too... Brittany and I talked about this via pm. I TOTALLY want another boy. I don't know why we all ( including myself ) feel the need to continuously make excuses about the fact that we're not trying to replace our lost babes... is it because of social pressures and our fears about the way other people percieve us? I don't know about you ladies but I feel continually but silently judged by the world!! I know no one here thinks I want to replace my son so do we say these things to ease ourselves? Is it that we are giving ourselves permission to crave and have another child? Or is it because we're afraid of what those who have wondered in here to read or those irl that we're surrounded by may think? Hmmm, food for thought but I digress... I would LOVE another baby boy. And just to make this thread even more juicy, I would even love if he resembled Micah. So there.

Chances are the next baby will anyhow... my children all look incredibly alike and did as babies. It's pretty wild.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

My preference for a boy is based on fear I think - I'm terrified that I would lose another girl - hence my desire for a little boy. I definitely would be thrilled with a girl but I think I'd so much more anxious through the pregnancy (if we decided to find out at u/s) or after her birth (if we went for a surprise). It's not rational but I feel like my DD1 is going to be my only living girl







It's probably good that I'm waiting - I hope this feeling will fade over time so that I can comfortably embrace whatever the next pg brings.

I'm sure any subsequent baby would resemble Emma, Kristie, and I really like that idea too. My 3 were peas in a pod (except for DS's red hair!) at birth.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I just wanted to say how much I love and appreciate each and every one of you. This thread has made me realize, that while none of us would ever have chosen this, how blessed I am to walk this path with such beautiful and thoughtful women such as yourselves. Maybe it's this time of year making me feel all mushy, but I really feel so overwhelmed with how generous of soul each of you are. Even at your darkest there is this gorgeous kernel of hope and positivity. It would be so easy to wallow and I know we each have our moments, but I love how open to hope and healing you are. It pulls me up some days. So thank you. I want nothing more than each of us to be holding our "rainbow" babies in 09.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Lisa, I feel the same way! On days when I'm feeling down, I can come here and it's amazing how much it helps!

Jill, I thought that too for a while.. like what if I kill all boys who enter my body? It's a crappy thought, ya know! But as someone else said, we can't really control those thoughts can we? I also told Shaun a little after Dresden's birth that what if only the boy will live if it's the 4th? Shaun and his dad each had 3 sisters, then them.. the 4th boy.. I was like, what if it's a curse! I was half joking.. I have a strange sense of humor these days.

Kristie, I wonder the same thing! Why we all feel the need to explain our desires are not intended to replace... I do it too, and who knows why!? I mean, here.. we're all in the same boat, so we all KNOW for a fact that none of us replaces babies! BUT, I think with others on the outside that they might not understand this deep desire, and they might look at it as replacing the baby and 'moving on' so for sure with them, I want to say a million times that the next baby will NEVER take Dresden's place.. also maybe part of it is us just wanting our babies to know, so we feel if we SAY it (or type it) that we aren't dont a disservice to their memory? Who knows... just another thing to add to the insanity!


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Kristie, that's interesting about Micah's name. When we were at the hospital DH asked if we were still going to name him Duncan Lewis Garibaldi. On the night of the 12th I asked him if something happened would we still use the name. It didn't feel right to give him other names because we chose those for him. His first name was going to be Steven up until 30 weeks when I put my foot down and changed it to Duncan. Steven is DH's dad's middle name. I was never too excited about it. We had the boy name picked out since before I was pregnant. I just never felt he was a Steven. Duncan is his mom's maiden name. He's super close to his pops. I've always loved the name, but when I first brought it up DH quickly shot it down because our last name is Hines.
















He warmed up to it quickly. Lewis is his paternal grandfather's first name and Garibaldi is my maiden name. I love it and have always known I was going to pass it on somehow.

Before leaving the hospital DH said we could still name the next boy the same. I don't know. It would just seem weird. Shortly after that we settled on Grayson Allen Duncan. DH is a writer and the main character of the short story/poem he's working on now is Henry Allen Grayson. Gray is granddad Lewis' middle name and Allen also happens to be the name of one of his uncles.

We had to fit Duncan in there.







No Garibaldi, though.


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

my mom lost a baby at around 24 weeks (mine was 21) and she quickly got pregnant w/ my brother. years later their totally beloved cat died and she went out and got a new one within a month. she has always been a person who wants to 'solve things' quickly and who doesn't like to dwell. i had always judged her for that in my head. that somehow she didn't grieve my lost sister and just 'replaced' her with my brother. yuck. i hate that i have judged anyone for something that i just didn't understand! in many ways, i know that wanting to get pregnant is to replace the experience with something positive. it's not about replacing Anna, for me it's about having a wonderful uncomplicated pregnancy and a beautiful birth and a healthy fat juicy squishy wonderful baby at the end of it. and it's about giving my DD a sister (even though i know it may be a brother). but i feel now, with our loss that i NEED to give our family another girl. weird, i know.

as far as names. the name i had picked for my girl we didn't use. she was going to be Lucy. to me it didn't fit anymore. i needed a name that fit. we'd always loved Anna, but i was hesitant to use it because we have a common last name and i though it'd be too plain. But to me it evokes a feeling of quiet strength. It felt peaceful and content. Lucy is a silly bubbly, goofball girl and that just wasn't my little Anna.

thanks again for giving me a place to chat w/ all of you... i kinda feel weird that this part of the board is so public, but what can you do...


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I'm such a dork for missing this thread but really don't read unless it's my day off!

I understand the desire to get pregnant and have a baby again. My desire for a baby was strong when I got pregnant with Mary and it's even stronger now. Though, I am slowly getting to a place of peace with the ones I do and did have. If God blesses us, I'm ok with that just as I am ok with not having another. Make sense?? Probably not! We do want another little one though. We had planned om trying here in two months but with dh getting laid off, we don't feel it would be right. Though if we had government insurance it sure would save us alot of money! I know that God would provide for us regardless.

Physically, I can have babies back to back with no problem. Obviously. Mentally, I don't know if I am ready for the stress that another pregnancy would put on me. I remember what I was like after having had a miscarriage and being pregnant. That is a far cry (and please know I am not putting anyone down here!) from what I have endured this time.

I have already decided which DR to use, which hospital to go to because it is very NBC friendly with CNM's on staff, and am already deciding which tests I want along with ones I will ask for that are not usually offered.

With names, and it's interesting, we had one picked out through most of the pregnancy but as soon as I hit about 8 months, I didn't want that name at all. I just could not find the name that was perfect. The morning she was born, my oldest DD mentioned Mary Beth. So, after she passed we named her there at the hospital. And you know, that upsets me that she didn't even have a name during her life. I feel like such a bad mom. I really think deep down, I knew that she wasn't going to stay. I couldn't see her in our future at all and was even reminded once that we would have a baby along with our other five. This is probably why I was so calm through the ordeal. Does that make sense?? It doesn't help my grief or the horrid guilt I feel though.

We have no names picked out for any future baby(ies). I would love to have another girl. I have had my fill of boys but if that is what we are given, I'm ok with that.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
I'm sure any subsequent baby would resemble Emma, Kristie, and I really like that idea too. My 3 were peas in a pod (except for DS's red hair!) at birth.

Micah was my only read head!! I couldn't believe it... I just wonder what color his precious little eyes were.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa_nc* 
I just wanted to say how much I love and appreciate each and every one of you. This thread has made me realize, that while none of us would ever have chosen this, how blessed I am to walk this path with such beautiful and thoughtful women such as yourselves. Maybe it's this time of year making me feel all mushy, but I really feel so overwhelmed with how generous of soul each of you are. Even at your darkest there is this gorgeous kernel of hope and positivity. It would be so easy to wallow and I know we each have our moments, but I love how open to hope and healing you are. It pulls me up some days. So thank you. I want nothing more than each of us to be holding our "rainbow" babies in 09.



















Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
also maybe part of it is us just wanting our babies to know, so we feel if we SAY it (or type it) that we aren't doing a disservice to their memory?

This resonated with me... when I read it, I felt it deeply.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Semper Gumby* 
Duncan is his mom's maiden name. He's super close to his pops. I've always loved the name, but when I first brought it up DH quickly shot it down because our last name is Hines.
























Great comic relief... that's hilarious. I am still literally laughing out loud.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maemaemama* 
in many ways, i know that wanting to get pregnant is to replace the experience with something positive. it's not about replacing Anna, for me it's about having a wonderful uncomplicated pregnancy and a beautiful birth and a healthy fat juicy squishy wonderful baby at the end of it.

I just said almost these same words to my grandmother tonight over the phone. I really feel it will be part of healing my heart.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommato5* 
It doesn't help my grief or the horrid guilt I feel though.

I think we ALL understand your feelings regardless of how our situations differ from person to person. However, you are not a bad mother... the simple fact that you care about those details the way you do makes it impossible for it to be so.









This place is my safe haven. My _sole_ support group... and my _soul_ support group.

Obsess away in comfort!!


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I haven't even read responses yet. this is hitting very close to home for me and I just wanted you to know I read it and I will respond later... oh. my. goodness.

we both needs hugs....and so much more...


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

For now... here a







and we're all here when you're ready. Thank G-d there's no expiration date on these threads since some of it is sooo hard to swollow sometimes. Take your time.


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## lemurmommies (Jan 15, 2007)

I haven't read all the responses, but I just wanted to say that I am so, so very right here with all of you. Noelle has been gone just over two weeks and already I'm thinking about another. Mad that if I was going to lose the baby at all I couldn't have done it sooner so that I could be TTC by now. Sad that I just couldn't keep the little girl that I already had. Frustrated that our sperm donor lives so far away and isn't at our beck and call. Worried that another pregancy will just mean another loss.

With E we didn't find out his sex until he was born, same with Noelle. But I know that should we be blessed with abother pregnancy and make it to 20 weeks, I'll need to know the sex. Not to name the baby (because I would want to see the baby before picking a name), but because I know I'll need time to process. Either process the thought of parenting a little girl who _isn't_ Noelle, or the idea of never parenting a girl at all (because I think that we'd be done with two children.)

I worry that I'll feel completely detached from the baby until it's in my arms and breathing after birth. Somehow I feel that because I lost one baby I'm not worthy of another. I dunno...

Provided my cycle comes back relatively soon, I hope that we might be able to try in March. I wish we could just try ASAP and I could be pregnant again. I'd love to be carrying another child by the time Noelle's due date rolls around. Our sperm donor is lovely and I know he'll try is best to be here when we need him, but it does involve a long and rather expensive plane ride.

Sigh.

It wasn't supposed to be this complicated.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Oh, lemur. Hugs to you.

I picked our son up from the funeral home and went to Target and bought OPKs and HPTs with his urn in my purse. Obviously I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I had to keep looking forward though or I felt like I would fall into an abyss.


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## lemurmommies (Jan 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa_nc* 
Oh, lemur. Hugs to you.

I picked our son up from the funeral home and went to Target and bought OPKs and HPTs with his urn in my purse. Obviously I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. I had to keep looking forward though or I felt like I would fall into an abyss.

Thank you.

And I know what you mean about needing to look forward. If I had access to our donor right now, I really think I'd be trying my 1st cycle. But for now I'm just thinking about the fact that maybe, just maybe, I'll be nuzzling a newborn next Christmas.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

Oh mama!









I was in a very similar place last year. I was obsessed with wanting to be pregnant, thinking about it and preparing for it. It's all I thought about and I never spoke a word of it to anyone. I knew ultimately it would be a really unwise decision to conceive again right away. I think my pregnancy would have been overrun with fear and worry and I needed to heal physically and emotionally too. I went so far as to think it would be best for dh to get a vasectomy so I could stop hoping we'd conceive accidentally and it would some how end that terrible longing. How messed up is that?

I got through it by deciding to use my time to prepare for my next baby, by making decisions that would better my pregnancy and birth- exercise, vitamins, bettering my diet, studying up on all things pregnancy and infant related... it became an obsession all it's own but it was a productive, more positive one.

I hope your heart heals in ways you couldn't imagine and that the time passes before you know it and the right time comes along soon!


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I thought I would want to find out at the 20 wk u/s too. I thought I needed to "prepare" mentally if it was a girl. But, when the time came, I realized that for me, it wouldn't make a difference. That nothing was going to bring Norah back and that I would love this new baby no matter what its sex was. Maya was born and looked EXACTLY like Norah. It was eerie and we kept calling her Norah accidently for weeks. Infact, I still mess up but I have given myself permission to mess up and just correct myself. You all will love your rainbow babies for who they are. We all know there is no replacing our lost babies. And yes, there is still a space in my heart that will always be for Norah. It is not quite as broken as it used to be but that place still hurts and is still dealing with her death. But, I have also made room in my heart to celebrate Maya and her uniqueness.


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## patronus (Dec 21, 2008)

moodyred01,
thank you for the inspiration to re-channel my energy. i know i can't rush my body into conceiving any earlier than it is ready but i can focus on being healthy in the meantime.
i've spent the last week on the couch and i think it's time to get my butt back to the gym and start taking vitamins again. luckily my diet has been good but i need to make the effort to keep it that way.

you ladies are so very inspirational - if you had the courage to ttc and survive the worry of your next pregnancies, than maybe i can too.


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