# my son's loss story (miscarriage at 11 weeks))



## jazminflower (Jan 4, 2003)

well, i don't want to be here, but i am.i started bleeding on tuesday and tonight (friday), it was all over. my baby was 11 weeks, 4 days.







... the worst thing of all, was that i knew it was happening and i could do nothing about it. i took yesterday off work and wasn't feeling to swell today, but went anyway. dd goes with me and i think she needed her routine back







i had called my midwife on wednesday to let her know what was going on. she said we woulld have to wait and see







if the bleeding got worse or started to look "fresh" to call her back. so, after dds music class this morning i wasn't feeling so swell, in addition to needing to change my pads every 4 hours....i think i was in denial at this point. i know lost of women who bled through much of their preganncy, but the crampieness i had been feeling the past feew days was getting a little stronger and dd was refusing to nurse....strange for her....so i called my midwife and she didn't get back to me until 4:30---6 hours later!...







and she was so cold! the first thing she said was that bleeding during pregnancy was never good...wtf! you don't tell this to a hormanal woman when it is not true! by the way...2 midwives share the office and this one is new and i've heard many neg's about her...so she says take the night off and rest we'll take an hcg first thing monday morning...so dd and i go home...i satrt getting crampier and crampier...nurse dd to sleep...then she wakes at 10:30 to nurse again...this time i start having mild contractions while she's nursing...so i call dh 'cause i know now for sure what's going on...***Graphic part***so while i am again on the toilet, wiping blood off of me, i wipe and find my baby in my hands




























i have never cried so hard in my life...he was so tiny and helpless...you could see his fingers and toes, eyes,...i lost my baby.....so i have been trying to lay down and sleep, but i was still cramping....so i thought more needed to come out....so i basically pushed out the placenta...though it was more of a globule....so here i now sit...i haven't been pregnant for 2 hours...my baby and his (i looked) placenta are in the freezer awaiting proper proceedings...once i have time to process the events of this evening....thank you for letting me spew...sorry for the graphics..i am a scientist by nature and very curious about this process. also, besides an autopsy, how else can you tell if any abnormalities were present in the baby??? he almost looks like his head was malformed....
thank you again for reading this far...this is not what i wanted the day before dds 2nd birthday.......


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## seren (Jul 11, 2003)

to you. I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know if they can do an autopsy, but they can do chromosomal tests or at least do a gross anatomy exam. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, allow yourself to grieve your son and be gentle with yourself. Have you named your son? I lost my daughter almost 8 months ago and I promise it will get better. It will take time, I don't know how much, but it will get better. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Gossamer


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

I am so sorry you lost your son.


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

i am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved baby!

please understand that in so many cases like this, we never know what "caused" the loss. for more information, please check out this wonderful web site: PregnancyLoss.

i'm not a scientist, but i'm married to one, and it was definitely comforting to read and learn as much as we could about the process. we found out that miscarriage, while HORRIBLE, is usually a natural process that happens in about 20 percent of all pregnancies (with some factors, such as maternal age, increasing the odds).

i don't think most insurance companies will cover genetic investigation of the fetus on the first miscarriage (because of those statistics). they usually ask that you wait until the third m/c before beginning those procedures.

for now, please take good care of yourself! know that a m/c involves all of the same muscles, hormones, and emotions as a term birth. you need to rest, eat and drink well to support your healing... i also think that continuing your prenatal vitamins for a while is a good idea.

be kind to yourself, and check back here and let us know how you are doing!

katje


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

jazminflower, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I too wish you didn't have to be here







Don't worry about being graphic. Many of us have found comfort in talking through what has happend to us. It's part of the healing process.

I know right now you're seeking answers. It's actually a part or the grieving process. I hope you can find something to bring you comfort. Often in a miscarriage there is no answer found. The myth is that most miscarried babies had a defect and that's actually been proven not to be true.

As for the misformed head, that could be for a number of reasons. When the baby died in its growth, how long he was dead inside of you, if the there was any pressure on the head before you gave birth - many different reasons.

You may want to write a list of questions to ask your health care provider when you seen him/her.

How are you feeling now? You have lost some blood, so please make sure you're eating healthy and getting pleanty of fluids. Try to avoide caffein and refined sugars until the bleeding stops. Make sure you're getting pleanty of rest.

Were you able to determine if it's a boy or girl? Did you name the baby?

You're in my thoughts.


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## boycrazy (Feb 13, 2004)




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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I'm so sorry. I've had two miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy, but I can't imagine what you went through. Like the others are saying, take care of yourself right now. Rest, get plenty of fluids and allow yourself the time needed to grieve. Don't worry about being grafic, one of the main things that has helped me through my losses was recounting in writing and in detail exactly what I went through. This board and all of us are here to be supportive in whatever manner we can. This process is lonely enough, having the women here to talk to is sometimes the only way to pull yourself out of the darkness.
Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Ravenmoon (Mar 2, 2002)

I'm sorry for your loss.Many blessings~


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## ekblad9 (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently miscarried as well. You and your baby will be in my thoughts.


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## Unreal (Dec 15, 2002)

I'm so sorry


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

((hugs)) i am so sorry you lost your son and that you have to be here as well, but you have found a great supportive group of women. i don't know much about testing, we decided to forgo it and hope our miscarriage was a one time thing. we did do a burial ceremony for our daughter which i found healing.

take good care of yourself now

tara


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Oh Jazminflower, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. It's so sad to lose a baby. Hopefully you can do some sort of ritual that will help you to say goodbye. Please take care of yourself physically and emotionally at this time. ((((hugs))))


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)




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## jazminflower (Jan 4, 2003)

so...it's been about 48 hours since i lost zakary mikel...i have not seen a medical professional yet and may not until tuesday...i do not have anything to say to the alternate midwife at the practice i go to...
i'm trying to take care of myself...i am force feeding myself because i have no appetite







...i need to do a better job at that because dd is still nursing about 6 times a day...we had a wonderful birthday celebration for dd to help take my mind off of thinks...nana & pops were here and it was a quiet family celebration...i am trying to keep things as normas as possible for her...it was very sad though when we were inthe shower and she started to rub my swollen belly








i am not bleeding very heavily now...and i am pretty sure i passed all of the tissue as i have a baby and a placents in the freezer...actually i never bled very heavily at all...except right before he came out...
i know that we may never know the reason why...there are just so many things swirling in my head...was dd nursing too much...i was just exposed to chicken pox (i'm immune)...was my folic acid too low 'cause i don't eat bread anymore...is something wrong with my uterus cause i hemmoraged after dd was born...is it because i question the exixtence of a god...you all know where i'm going with this...
for now i'm going to try to start doing my yoga again regularly (3-4x a week), get back i shape--i used to rock climb, and do as many quality activities with our daughter as i can in the mornings before we have to go to work...i don't consider dd hanging out playing in my office while i work quality time...i'm obvoiusly going to ease back into all of this, but these are my immediate thoughts....then later, dh & i will consider trying again...he took this very hard although he is not showing it...he wasnt to eliminate all of the baby stuff we have inthe attic 'cause we are planning on moving this summer and he says if we decide to try again, we can just rebuy...a little drastic, but i will be thinning down our belongings nonetheless...will try to keep alot of the baby clothes...i have never wanted an only child....

we will not be having any testing done...none of that will bring him back so there's no point. he will not be a medical experiment...

thanks mamas for understanding and letting me spew like this...i am also going to try to start journaling again...i haven't done that in years, but i was able to have a better peace of mind when i did...

as for final resting place for zakary, we will be allowing him to return to the earth from which he came...not in the back yard (i guess that's what it sounds like)...he will be helping to fertilize a very special, though not yet found houseplant...

thank you all so very much---


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

jazminflower,









Your questioning anything and everthing is so very normal







it's a very important part of greiving. Though very frustrating, when you've exhosted all the 'what if's' you will find some acceptance and peace.

When you look at the statistics that 1 in every 4 pregnancies ends in a loss, you can see that there is NOTHING you did wrong or could have done to avoide this. It was what it was.

It does sound like your miscarriage was complete. Every miscarriage is uniqe to each person, so there's no textbook discription for what you'll go through.

However, you do still want to stay in-tune with your body. Look for obvious signes of infection or irritation. Your body has been through a lot and you want to take care of it. Keeping hydrated right now is most imporant.

I think starting your yoga again is a great idea. I too do yoga and know the powers and benefits of it. Just stay in-tune and back off of certain poses if they feel uncomfortable.

Wishing you gentleness as you heal.


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## butternut (Jan 3, 2004)

Just want to send some more love and warmth and care--none of us want to be here but at least we can be here together and not alone. Spew away! We will listen and understand.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you lost your son Zakary. This is definately a club no one wants to join, but when you need some one to talk to the women here are wonderful. I know how it feels to be mad at one midwife in a practice. I love my midwife and I like the second midwife in her practice, but the third one is awful. I will never forgive her for the way she treated me when Arawyn died.







But I have learned to let it go for my own good and for my daughter's memory. I hope time will bring you healing as well.

Take care of yourself and write as much as you need to.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

jazminflower








What is it with m/w's in practices of 3? I adore 2 of them in my practice (well what used to be my practice), but the 3rd? Ugh. She actually left me in the hosp when I was in labor (and we all knew that my son had died). I labored with my mom and grandma. I recently wrote her a 7 page letter detailing my anger and pain. That made me feel a lot better. This one even referred to my situation as "fetal demise". Can you imagine?

It hurts even more I think when a m/w "acts up" because we really don't expect or want to come to expect it from them.


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## jazminflower (Jan 4, 2003)

sweet teach: yes. i always thought women become midwives because they have a passion to help women through their childbearing years regardless of the situation and because of that were generally compassionate. it is sad that that's not the case. i guess you get people with poor bedside manners regardless of their degree or type of medical training. i cannot even imagine what you went through with your son...








it is refreshing to have a compassionate group of women here for support...

at my appointment tomorow i am going to let my regular midwife know what happened. it is the only private midwifery practice in the area and it's a shame there's a bad apple there. the woman who started the practice needed to leave for family reasons and i know that she would be upset about this because she was the most sincerely kind woman i have ever met (irl







)

anyway...i am feeling more at peace today i reallize that this was out of my hands and must be the way things were meant to be...i think that's a step in the right direction...now if i could just fall asleep without having to do an hour of deep yoga breathing


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## jazminflower (Jan 4, 2003)

so---i am so ridiculously sad tonight. i went back to work today since being off since friday, and i was just numb all day...not wanting to talk about it. i miss my little baby inside me and just want all of this painto go away. i am sitting here crying right now because i am so sad. i should have probably gone to sleep a while ago but i had some other things to take care of. i will be going to bed soon though because dd has dalcroze class in the morning... i just can't get over how sad i feel today..it hurts so much... it's like everything keepa moving around me and i am standing still saying hey! i lost my baby...doesn't it matter???everyone has been so caring though...i just feel like so many things left me that night...i was going to go back to get my masters, then when we found out i was pregnant, we put school for me on hold so that i could be a sahm for a few years...i was so looking forward to that. i resigned my current job effective this june. a co-worker today actually asked me if i was now going to go back to school and i said "heck no! this just confirms that i want to be at home for the next few years...life is so precious".

well--thanks for listening...i am going to curl up next to dd and go to bed (unfortunately dh needs to sleep in the spare room)..she and i have important activities in the morning before work...


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## Mom2baldie (Oct 29, 2002)

I am so sorry you lost your baby. I will be thinking of you both.


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## saturnine25 (Mar 26, 2002)




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