# Power Struggles with a 3 year old



## BushMama83 (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi,

I generally try my best to avoid power struggle situations, but with a 3 year old, I'm finding it difficult. What do you do when you find youself in a bit of a struggle? How do you get out of it gracefully? Because I could use a helping of grace here!

An example from this morning: my son pushed a kitchen chair over to the counter because he wanted to help me make the oatmeal. However, the oatmeal was done and I was about to serve it. I thanked him and asked him to push the chair back to the table so we could eat. He refused and said I could do it. I told him I was getting ready to serve breakfast and he could really help me by pushing the chair back himself. He refused, we're locked in a power struggle. I feel like I can't back down.

Is there another way to look at this situation? Should I just relent and move the chair back myself and get on with it?


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## mary a (Oct 3, 2014)

Personally, I would just walk away or ignore it, and not have the power struggle. I think power struggles do more harm than good. They will never be perfect anyway.

My approach is catching them being good. When they cooperate, I show gratitude, praise them. And I might set them up to practice getting positive feedback for cooperation by making small requests that they are likely to cooperate with.

I read this book Kazdin Method that works like magic for me, but it's really just based on science and research. It does contradict some other parenting books/philosophies that are anti-praise, so I guess it would not be a good fit for some parents.

I guess the reason that I find it easy to avoid power struggles is that have have an overall approach that works well and part of the approach is to avoid power struggles.


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## OrmEmbar (Oct 25, 2012)

I have children who will try to get into a fight when their blood sugar drops. (Their way of dealing with those awful anxiety feelings that happens when you have low blood sugar.)
So, in that particular instance, because it seems they had not eaten yet, I would have acknowledged their upset (about not being able to help) and fed them before asking for the chair to be returned to the table. Or I would have asked for help bringing silverware and napkins to the table while transport the chair myself.


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## LTurtle (Aug 7, 2012)

Generally I have two different ways of asking my children to do things. One is a request where compliance is optional, one is polite but basically telling them to do something they actually have to do. I try to be very clear about which is which, and respect their choice when I give them the option even if I don't like it. 

The other thing I do is try not to make my kids do things unless I have a good reason. Because I want them to/I said so is not a good reason. It needs to be something I can explain when asked "why?". Even for my little (only 16mo) I explain why. For instance "please get down, no climbing on the chair. The chair will fall and give you an ouchy." He may not fully understand, and he may not comply, but even if I have to remove him crying from the chair I validate his feelings about it and explain why. Eventually he will understand not to climb the chair, and also that he can trust me not to make arbitrary demands.

In the situation you outlined, I would have asked the 3 year old to replace the chair. I would also have offered an alternate way to help or promised the opportunity to help next time (lunch prep? Breakfast tomorrow?) and sympathized with their disappointment. While continuing to dish up the oatmeal. If the child did not replace the chair I would just do it myself without saying anything else about it. I don't expect a lot of compliance from a toddler, especially an unhappy toddler.

One of the most important, and most difficult, lessons I've learned as a parent is the importance of backing down, admitting mistakes, apologizing. We all make parenting mistakes, letting our children see how we cope with them and address our own failures or shortcomings or emotional outbursts is sooo valuable for building trust and empathy, but also for teaching them to handle their own mistakes. What I tell my children, over and over is that it's good to make mistakes as long as we learn from them and do our best to fix it.

As a final note; all power struggles come from the parent (unless maybe if you're dealing with teens) because the parent has the overwhelmingly large share of the power. If you don't want to have that confrontation, just don't. Let it go, be wrong, clean it up yourself, whatever it takes is probably easier in the long run than getting into the cycle of power struggles with your children.


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## BushMama83 (Apr 19, 2012)

These are some great suggestions. Thank you!


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## sassyfirechick (Jan 21, 2012)

OrmEmbar said:


> I have children who will try to get into a fight when their blood sugar drops. (Their way of dealing with those awful anxiety feelings that happens when you have low blood sugar.)
> So, in that particular instance, because it seems they had not eaten yet, I would have acknowledged their upset (about not being able to help) and fed them before asking for the chair to be returned to the table. Or I would have asked for help bringing silverware and napkins to the table while transport the chair myself.


:yeah I have one of those melt down at the drop of a hat kids who really only does so when she hasn't eaten. I'd leave the chair and walk away with the food and let her decide to bring it back or sit in another chair. Just like I let her occasionally wear outlandish outfits because she refuses to let me pick her clothes. In the bigger scheme of things there are bigger issues I'd much rather have my way with and try to avoid the little arguments.


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

What I would have done in that particular situation was probably invented some non-essential thing to add to the oatmeal. I'm sure he felt disappointed at having come over with the intention of helping, and then being denied that opportunity. Then every interaction that follows is happening within the context of a disappointed child - that emotion needs to come out somehow, and kids are REALLY a good at finding outlets for their emotions. If I find myself wondering why DS is so upset about a silly little trivial thing, I can usually think back over the day and realize that he just still isn't done being upset about something that happened earlier. 

One similar example that happened today was that I had just filled the dog's water bowl up with a pitcher, a task he sometimes does, and when he came in and saw that I'd done it he said that HE had wanted to do that. Rather than, "Sorry, I've already done it, but you can help feed him" (or whatever) I just put a tiny bit more water back in the pitcher and he topped off the water. Problem solved. Realizing he wanted to do something after it's done is a frequent happening, but usually just a little token part of the task is enough. Giving the dog another tiny bit after he's already eaten, hitting the elevator button after it's been lit, pushing the blender button an extra time, adding a tiny pinch more salt to already seasoned food - little things that don't make any difference to me but are a big deal to him. Win win. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Kathy White (Apr 16, 2011)

I can completely relate to these moments... I have been known to stand and be more than loud, insistant and anything but kind to try and force my kids to pick up something they dropped, something they kicked over because they were mad, or something they threw on the floor. And always, I end up being the one who loses. I lose my cool. I lose my peace of mind. I lose my integrity (cos i generally like to see myself as a loving mum). I use The Work of Byron Katie in situations like these - what is the thought that is driving my behaviour? "My Child should do what I ask" or "My child should co-operate with me" or "my child shouldn't be defiant" taking it through inquiry and coming out the other side, I realise I don't want my children to blindly do what I ask. I love that they go against me (authority, rules, and discover their own way of doing things). And I can report to them what I'm doing. Okay I'm going to pick this up for you. Or let's do this together. Or just state, I love having the chairs pushed back in the table, let's see if we can push them all in. 

These moments occur in my life when I'm already on a tight schedule. When I have an agenda (get the meal on time, get out the door on time, get them dressed on time). If I drop the agenda it gets much easier. And magically I notice, we are often on time anyway ! 

Power struggles are a natural part of parenting. Choosing your battles, which ones are important to you - if they are going against a deeply held and important family value then you are more likely to want to enforce the "rule" behind them. If your son in that moment of not pushing in the chair was acting against a family value that says " keep your house in order" then your reaction is going to be a strong one. I know many of my friends wouldn't even notice if a chair was in or out! And if you do, that's okay. 

For example if I have a family value that says "Never be late" or "Always be punctual" and I'm gifted with one of those amazing children who can float through a timeless life, without a care or regard for a watch or a clock, then the number of battles or power struggles we have will be more if I keep trying to insist on making them be punctual. What I need to do is adjust my schedule to make sure my dreamy child can be gently guided to keep to time. 

Another aspect of your situation that occurs to me is the moment when I say "push your chair back in please" I'm giving a direction that is (for a child) prescriptive, orderly, my agenda, and not much fun. If I can find a playful way to engage my child in doing "chores" so they are games then I get a much better result. "Do you know how heavy these chairs are? " I bet you have to be superman to lift them! "How about you try lifting this chair, and I'll lift this one and see how high we can get them up..." "And let's tuck them under the table when we bring them down..." 

I once ran a teleseminar with Larry Cohen of "Playful Parenting" and loved all the creative solutions that avoid power struggles and engage creativity and fun with your child. 

A great question I try and remember to ask myself is "Does what I am saying now bring me closer and more connected to my child or does it push us apart?" and it's not about letting my child always do what they want, it's about engaging with them in a way that doesn't break the relationship in that moment.


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