# only children: were you happy?



## awnja (Sep 1, 2004)

I've always wanted to be a mother and now I am and everything is just perfect. Our family feels very complete. I'd be glad to stop here, having enough money to help dd with college (should she go) and dh and I could retire safely, if not comfortably. And I could resume my career while still relatively young. My dh is going on 40. I believe spacing children is wise but I think our toddler-chasing energy will begin to fade (may have started to decrease already). Plus there's the whole overpopulation thing, but there's also adoption if that were my only concern. ANYWAY, one's looking like enough to me right now.

BUT, I had siblings and I just CAN'T imagine childhood without them! I talked to one only child who advised not to do that to my child. He wished he had siblings. I think about how if a family moves, the closest peers go with a child with siblings. And when dh and I grow old, they'd have each other to lean on when dealing with, say, funeral arrangements.

So if I stop here and we remain a family of three am I depriving her? I know ya'll can't tell me what to do, but tell me if you were happy growing up, if you felt you missed out on something, etc. Just looking for food for thought.

Thanks.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

I don't think you'd be "depriving" her if she were to be your only. You have to follow your heart and decide what's best for you and your family. How you feel now might change in six months or a year - or it just might be right.

Having said that, I have lots of friends who are "onlies" (weird phenom?) and NONE of them are happy alone. They are facing the burden of aging parents on their own, having children and having no aunties or uncles. Yes - they have very close friends that form a circle of support for them, but there's nothing like having a sibling to support you and your family.

On the other hand - who says siblings will be close? I also have friends who have siblings and they HATE eachother. But they still have someone to turn to in times of family crisis, and nothing pulls people together the way a bad situation can.

Right now I have one dd who will be two next month. We plan on having a minimum of one more, possibly two. I can't bear the thought of her being alone once I'm dead and gone. Plus I grew up in a family of five children - I love noise, and crowds and lots of people. I also LOVED having lots of siblings to play and fight and hang with. We're a very tight crew.

What a tough decision, eh?


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## karlin (Apr 8, 2004)

Right now we're planning on DS being an only child. Of course that may change, but my pregnancy was difficult (to say the least), and adoption isn't an option right now (DH doesn't want to for a number of reasons I won't go into here).

I have 2 siblings, and neither were very much help when my mom passed away. I leaned on DH....he was my rock. Also, I don't plan on leaving any debt or funeral expenses for my child(ren) to pay, so that won't be an issue. If I have to go and buy everything beforehand or set up a fund, that's what I will do.

DH isn't an only, but he might as well have been. His sister is 8 years older, so they never had a lot of sibling experiences like my bro and I did (I also have a sister 8 years older). He was happy with the way things were. He had plenty of friends growing up.

One thing to think about here is your happiness. If you feel another child would wear you out, then you're not doing your child any favors by giving your DD a sibling. I am exhausted (DS has never been a good sleeper), and I just couldn't imagine having more children right now....well at least more babies. If it happens, we will be blessed, but we are happy wth our little family the way it is. I feel we are complete now.

You know, a lot of people grow up with friends that are like sisters and brothers. Does she have any cousins close to her age? My DS has only one cousin, and she's 16. Anyway, I'm really not that worried.


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## awnja (Sep 1, 2004)

heh.. well, her cousins are having babies...

My brother has a three year old but that family is distant physically and emotionally from the rest of us.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

So if I stop here and we remain a family of three am I depriving her?

No, you aren't. You can't create a perfect childhood just by providing a sibling. You can't recreate your relationship with your siblings in your children.
What if you have another child and they don't hit it off and you are tired and broke and frustrated that your children aren't getting along. There are positives and negatives to both siblings and only children. I think what matters most to your child being happy is how you parent and if you focus on the positive about your family.
You might ask people with siblings- did you have a happy childhood and why or why not?- and see how much had to do with their sibling and how much had to do with other factors. I think you'll find a mix of happy and unhappy despite the number of siblings.

I am not an only child. I have 2 older siblings. My dh has older and younger siblings. We have decided for similar reasons to what you have given that dd will be our only child... it was the right choice for us physically, emotionally, financially, and intellectually.
I love my siblings but as adults we are not close. I had a good childhood but they just aren't there for me as an adult. They are not super close to my parents either. I know only children who had good childhoods and envied them sometimes their relationships with their parents and friends.
My dh is a middle child and not close to his siblings either. He had a rotten childhood. His siblings are not there for whatever reason for his mom who has MS and Graves Disease.

Bottom line- if your family of three feels right and you are happy do not feel you are depriving your child in any way.


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

If it isn't one thing, it is another.

I was an only.

I was and am fairly unhappy with my childhood.

Was it _because_ I was an only child?










Oh, for crying out loud! Of course not! That has nothing to do with it. It is just incidental, not causual.

And I know several happy only children. And I know several unhappy ones. And the same goes for people from big families.

It all depends on the raising.










You can't plan everything, you just have to take it one day at a time. If the family feels right to you, it probably is.


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

I was pretty much an only. My brother is 10 years older than me and he left home at 16. I was very happy both having a sibbling and being an only.

I think happy childhoods depends on the parents parenting.


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## Juniper (Apr 20, 2004)

I was an only child until 12. My parents remarried and each had kids and I was more like a babysitter/aunt than sibling. I really wanted a sibling closer to my age. Might have been easier to deal with the divorce. I do feel as though I have missed out. I didn't have any cousins or other children around tho. Are there other children in your extended family?

Jennifer


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## girlzmommy00 (May 15, 2003)

I am an only child. It's just me. I've never felt deprived, upset, angry, or defective. I liked to have my own room, my own toys and I was able to do my own thing at home. I think the only down side was in high school. I wasn't able to get away with as much since my mother didn't have any other kids to focus on









Actually, my best friend, 1st cousin, father, MIL & FIL are all only children. I've never heard any complaints or even comments. Because of all the only children, I have a really small family but that's fine, too.

I know some people make negative comments but you'll always find some moron to make a negative comment about anything. I think for any sized family you'll fine those who loved it or didn't. I have 3 children. I think it's great that they have each other, but if I hadn't remarried and only had my oldest, I wouldn't feel like I was doing her a disservice by not having another child. Actually never even thought about it when I was a single mother with just her & I.

I say do what feels right for you. I don't think that there is anything wrong with being an only child. I've never had a moment of feeling upset in any way.


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

I was an only child with a single momma until she got married when I was 10ish. Remained an only child through that marriage and divorce, until I became a non-only with her remarriage, when I was 24. Suddenly I had brothers (then aged 13 and 17)!!

I *loved loved loved* being an only child. As I became an adult, and started seeing the very special adult sibling relationships that my friends have, I admit to feeling a pang of - I dunno - not quite envy - a resignation, maybe?? that I would never experience or _truly understand_ that type of relationship.

I'm now fairly close to my youngest stepbrother, and feel like as we get older, we will become even closer. So I'm living vicariously through my mom's husband's family, I guess.


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## squeakermansmom (Sep 17, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *happyhippiemama*

I *loved loved loved* being an only child. As I became an adult, and started seeing the very special adult sibling relationships that my friends have, I admit to feeling a pang of - I dunno - not quite envy - a resignation, maybe?? that I would never experience or _truly understand_ that type of relationship.

ITA - i am only child. never really cared one way or the other when i was younger. but now that i'm an adult i really wish i had a sibling. a bond, a relationship with someone for life.

i was always given many opportunities and i was always given undivided attention. which i think was mainly a positive - but i also think it tended to 'spoil me'. as an adult i understand the concept of sharing but never really experienced it on a daily basis as a child.

another interesting point - this may or may not be related to being an only child - even now, i am still very much a person that treasures being alone. other than my dh and ds, i really prefer to not have a lot of people around for long periods. read: i'm not very fond of people staying at our house for long periods of time.









as with anything though there are advantages and disadvangtages to everything. do what is right for your family. an interesting book about only children is The Birth Order Book. good luck!


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## squeakermansmom (Sep 17, 2002)

thought of one more thing to add...

my dh has one sister - they're not real close. he would be fine if ds ended up as an only child.

me, on the other hand, as an only child - i definitely want to have a sibling for ds.

and like another poster said.....just b/c you have more than one, it doesn't guarantee they will be good friends.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

This will be a repeat of many of the above posters. I am an only child. My parents didn't intend it to be that way, but mom had a Dalcon Shield IUD after my birth and if you know the stories, it completely messed her up and she had a heysterictomy at 27.

As a child it was impressed upon me that I was very fortunate to have my toys to myself, that I was able to have more because there wasn't anyone else to eat up half the budget. My parents weren't very poor, but lower middle class anyway. For me ther was the added factor of I knew full well my parents would never be able to have any more children. When my father relocated for work when I was 8 my parents made a choice on the neighborhood based on the fact there was a girl my same age across the street and another next door, so that I would have somebody to play with. So I felt very lucky as a child.

That said, as an adult I went though the same tough life phases mentioned above, alone. My mother is mentally ill, and my father has always been her rock. That leaves me no one to comeserate with over family issues and left me feeling a good deal of the time like I was the one who was crazy. I still harbor a lot of anger about that. Although if you and your DH are stable people it is not to say your child will feel the same way. However for me it is the strongest motivating factor in having a second child so my son will not be an only.

The added pressure to suceed is a tough one as well. I still struggle with the fact that if not me, then who? Again that could be disueded by good parenting. I say if you are happy the way things are and you just make note of the things that can plauge adult only children then there is no reason your child should not feel very very lucky to be the one and only center of her parents affections.

Follow your heart and decide what works for your family.


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## padomi (Dec 28, 2002)

I've enjoyed reading this thread - thank you for posting this question! We too are going through the same thing. I love my little family of 3. It feels right. We have just enough room in our house, just enough money to be comfortable and pay for college for dd, and I have just enough energy for her. Another baby would EXHAUST me. I was visiting a friend tonight who has a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old and I had to leave - I was getting tired and stressed just watching her deal with all the drama. Plus, I'm 37 and still nursing with no end in sight so getting pregnant anytime soon isn't likely. My dh would like another, and I LOVE babies and sometimes think I'd like a baby, but I don't really want another KID, iykwim. I'm glad to read the positive replies about being an only, because I think you do feel societal pressure to have more than one. At least I feel it. But I LIKE having only one. And I have a brother who is less than 2 yrs younger than me and we have never been close - not even when we were young. I love him, but have never had anything in common with him and only talk a few times a year. Anyway, thanks again.


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## padomi (Dec 28, 2002)

Quote:

now that i'm an adult i really wish i had a sibling. a bond, a relationship with someone for life.
Just a quick note - I feel the EXACT same way, and I DO have a brother. Having a sibling doesn't guarantee that bond. Sad but true.


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## jinetemx (Oct 28, 2004)

I was an only child and I had a great childhood. I had plenty of friends, however, I was also capable of entertaining myself.

Someone really needs to explain this line of thought to me. My husband is the youngest of 14 (!) and thinks having only one child is some kind cruel and unusual punishment for the child. I don't get this. I had a great childhood. We have a baby girl now, and I think an only child is lucky. As a parent you don't have to split your resources, you will be able to do the very best you can for that one child, and I don't think there is anything wrong with it. People who grew up with brothers and sisters, though, tend to think it is weird or wrong. IMHO, being an only child is just fine.


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## KellyB (Jun 15, 2006)

Friends are the family you choose for yourself.
I was raised as an only (by my grandparents) but I have a brother I've never been very close to.
As long as you instill in a child the understanding that friends can be just like family, it shouldn't be a problem.
I only have one child myself, an probably will keep it that way. I'm hoping he develops friendships that will act as sibling type relationships (but happier, hopefully







).


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I originally only wanted one child, and every only child I talked to, except one, were very happy. And that one was just upset because her parents pressured her, so she wanted someone to take the pressure off her.

I hated my brother growing up. Well, I love them, but I can't stand them y'know. We aren't close. We will never be close, etc.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

My dh grew up an only. He says it was fine - he didn't think then that he was missing out. There were friends, cousins, etc. But on holidays, on vacations, at the dinner table, etc. it was just him and his much older than usual parents (they were 43 and 54 when he was born - surprise!) He had a kind of "grown up" childhood. When I talk about playing certain games or listening to music and dancing around the living room or going to "kid-friendly" places, he just says "I never did that". He went on cruises where he was the only kid on the boat. They only went to restaurants that served mixed drinks. The music was Lawrence Welk. He remembers his parents having their friends over for drinks and the room being filled with smoke. His parents are (were - his dad passed away years ago) nice people; they love(d) him; they had plenty of money to send him to college.

BUT if you fast forward to now, he knows what he missed. He harbors a lot of guilt that we don't live in the same town as his mom to be able to help her more. He is sad when he sees the relationship I have with my sister and brother - and the one that our kids have with them. Our kids have no aunts or uncles or cousins on his side.

I think it is nice to be able to fully fund your child's higher education - my dh did like that! His parents saved enough to send him to the Ivy League - he didn't quite pull off the grades for that... But having siblings is a special opportunity (not guaranteed, but the opportunity) to have a lifelong bond with someone that was there before you met your spouse and will be there after your parents die. Coming from someone whose parents died when she was in junior high, I am eternally grateful to have been lucky enough to have siblings to share the good and the bad with.

Anyway! Sorry to ramble. I think dh grew up thinking it would have been nice if he'd had a sibling but not "deprived" per se. But as an adult, he insisted we have at least two kids. He was absolutely against having an only. We now have three - and he is open to more - but I think we are done.







I know it is a hard decision for some - but for me, I knew in my heart I'd have more than one. It just was. I didn't have to spend any time thinking about it. Actually, funny thing was that when dd1 was 3 and it was time to TTC, I really didn't feel like it. We were fine; we were happy and life was getting easy again - out of the baby stage. But I wanted siblings for my kids so we went ahead. That was six years ago now - time has FLOWN! And we now have an 8 y.o., a 4 y.o. and a 1 y.o. I think it has kept us young - not tired us out.


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## rainsmom (Dec 5, 2001)

Ive raised two only children.......the first bc of circumstances, and the second out of choice. I dont feel guilty that I mother one better than I could ever mother two or more. Its something I know about myself. My family is complete.

Come join us in FINDING YOUR TRIBE......Mothers of Onlies....


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I just want to say something about the idea of having more children so they won't be alone after the parents die. I hear this a lot as a reason not to have an only and it doesn't make sense to me. I don't feel that this is fully thought through or fair reasoning as given.

It doesn't seem fair to me to put the expectation on later children that they must keep the other child from being alone for life or burden to fulfill some purpose that the first child did not have.

I don't believe being an only child will make your child be alone any more than having siblings will give your child an automatic friend.

I have siblings but I am the youngest child of my entire generation of my family (cousins too). There is every chance that I could outlive all my siblings as well as my parents. Even if my parents had kept having children, someone would be last... someone would most likely outlive the others. What about that person? Why don't we consider them being "alone" when we talk about this reason? Doesn't it matter?

My mom has outlived both her parents and one older brother. Her other older brother is not close. When he dies, she will not be alone though. She has been married 35 years to my father. She has 3 children. She has 5 grandchildren. She has cousins, She has her aunt. She has friends that she has known since childhood. She has long time neighbors. She has co-workers at the place she has worked for about 10 years. She has ties to the community she grew up in and the community she has lived the last 40 years in. She has made new friends too.
Having a sibling didn't make it easier for her parents to die I'm sure. I don't see how it affected her aloneness. Yet, if I had said she was an only child she supposedly would be alone even though she would still have pretty much all the same people actively in her life loving and supporting her.









Just something I think about when I hear that an only child will be all alone.


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## padomi (Dec 28, 2002)

Quote:

I don't believe being an only child will make your child be alone any more than having siblings will give your child an automatic friend.
This is true. I'm actually closer to my next door neighbor who I've known only a few months than my brother who I've known 35 years. I probably know more about her too. My mother is always pressuring my brother and me to "stay close" b/c when she goes we'll be all each other has. What about our spouses? Our children? Our friends? Our cousins? Won't they be "there for us"? My brother and I struggle to carry on a conversation. There's no animosity, just NOTHING in common. I can imagine my brother and I after my mom and dad have gone having a conversation about funeral arrangements, getting the will taken care of, etc., then we'll go back to talking twice a year like we do now. Don't get me wrong, I would've loved to have had a sister I was close to, but sharing the same blood is no guarantee that you'll get anything from that relationship. Other than healthy sibling relationships, nurturing healthy friendships and marriages and relationships with your children is one way to ensure you're never "alone" in your old age.


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## Copper (May 4, 2004)

I am the oldest of 3/dh is the youngest of 3. We have one dd and she will be the one and only. I know what people mean when they talk about "societal pressures" and having more than one. I do not wish to "divide my resources", I don't want to have to choose to go to dd's game or say the siblings game at the same time/date.
I have close relationships with both brothers though we no longer live close to them; my dh might as well not have had siblings; his sister and brother do not bother with him at all. Technically dd has 2 cousins-dh's sister's kids, but they do live far away and she never liked the fact that dh moved from that area for a job in this state and met me and married (it has been 14 years people can we get over this?







: ) anyway, dd is the only grandchild on my family's side and the only girl on dh's. But dh will tell me "not every family is like yours" meaning calling each other, emailig sending cards and visiting, b-day presents; it is true his doesn't even bother he might as well be the only child when his parents had health crises, guess who was there? dh and me that was it.
I can remember being on the track and basketball team and my mom never being able to come, nobody cheering in the stands for me because she "has 2 other kids you know to take care of too". When I asked to go by a friends house it was always so and so only has one - I have two to drag out. It must have left a slightly negative impression on my I guess. But I know we should not have that problem come up.
When I was growing up I had a friend next door that was an only, she constantly wanted by my house (my mom hated that because she was kind of mean to my brothers) and I constantly wanted by her house where it was quiet and just me and her; I still am like that though I like lots of alone time though I have not had it in a few years...


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## rainsmom (Dec 5, 2001)

Well said onlyzombiecat!


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

i haven't read any of the replies, so i may be repeating someone, but i wanted to say that i think that everything depends on the individual child that you do have. if your child is naturally introverted, sure it might be nice to have a sibling that she could be close to in her home, that will always be with her while growing up, etc...but of course that also depends on their individual relationship.

if your child is naturally extroverted and finds lots of close friends outside of the family, etc...then maybe it's not such a big deal.

also, the "aloneness" you're talking about is in adulthood, when your child is likely to have close friends, a family of her own, etc...making the point moot.

that being said, sibling relationships can be very special in ways that friendships/relationships outside of the family are not. CAN be. not necessarily, but CAN be. they have the POTENTIAL to be closer than any other kind of friendship becuase you have shared experiences, unconditional love, etc... but again...that's POSSIBLE, not a given.

so...my answer to your question is...maybe. maybe it'll be a downside, maybe it won't be. there's really no way to tell. what i CAN tell you is that if YOU are not happy with the structure of your family (as in you really want another child but don't have one, or you really don't want another child but have another one because you feel you *should*), you're more likely to show that stress and THAT is more likely to be a downside than either the presence or absence of a sibling.

i can't think of a downside to having a sibling (outside of rare circumstances) other than your OWN attitude about it.

follow your heart...it's a decision that only you and your own family can make.


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## rainsmom (Dec 5, 2001)

Heres the link to the Moms of Onlies thread, if youre interested:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ad.php?t=77798

I think its such a personal decision, just as having a child in the first place is. I get soooo many comments on having an only.......it surprises me still. Its a decision a family makes based on the needs of that family. It shouldnt be based on what others think, or what society deems as necessary to be complete.


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## TranscendentalMom (Jun 28, 2002)

I think its very common for only children to feel as if they missed something...after all there is no other relationship to compare it to.

However, many of us that have siblings know the realities and know that just because you have a sibling doesn't guarantee that closeness. I have one brother who is very emotionally distant and immature and while we played together a TON when we were kids...I often feel like I am an only child as an adult. So having a sibling is no guarantee.

That said, I know that people who are close with their siblings value that relationship very strongly...its a huge blessing to those that have it. I envy that so much and I pray that my kids will be blessed with that kind of relationship.

We decided to have 2 kids because WE wanted 2 kids. One child just didn't complete the family feeling for me. I want holidays and family trips with 2 little ones around. I hope and pray that my kids will grow up to be close....but I know there are no guarantees and I wouldn't have had another child just for this reason.


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

SOme times, sort of. Mostly, i was terribly lonely, and a social outcast because my parents actually encouraged me to relate to adults and adult concepts more than things in common with my peers. I also felt a terrible burden being under their constant scrutiny, aware every moment of their unreachably high expectations of me, and i was the only one on which to pin hopes and dreams. So, my situation was i think on the more negative end of the spectrum, but i expect it could have been a lot more positive if my parents had dealt with me differently. As itwas, they were in their forties and never expected my mother to be able to carry a child to term (she has been diabetic nearly all her life and also had severe uterine fibroids). So, i was this miracle, this enormous answer to prayer. I hated that all my life.


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## Zach'smom (Nov 5, 2004)

I have a brother that is three years older then I. I see him at holidays if I am lucky. He is not a responsible person. Anything that comes up with my mom I need to take care of. Growing up we did play together, but we also fought like cats and dogs! So having another does not guarentee a close relationship.

mY ds is 3 y/o and an olie. I am infertile and more fertility treatment and adoption are not options for us. I am just concerned about socializing my son. He is very outgoing and social! I am just worried I am not providing enough playtime with other kids. How much time does everyones onlies get to play eith other kids? My son has about 3 hours of Y classes a week and we take hime to zoo and museum classes occasionally. He also plays with the kids I babysit for. But the 3 older ones are in school all day and are not that interested in playing eith a three year old. The other 3 y/o I care for has special needs and is at about 15 to 18 month old level. I'm rambling. At any rate just wondering what to do so son can have more play time with other kids or if I am worrying too much!


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

My cousin is an only. And I think now that he is an adult, he is sad that he doesn't have any siblings.

One of the things he doesn't like about being an only child is that his parents don't have anyone else to think about except him. He was always the center of their world - which can be good and bad. But it seems even more intense now that he is an adult and married and wants his own family time. They feel left out all of the time because they don't have any other children to spend their time with so I guess he feels this feeling of being smothered even more as an adult.

I'm not saying that this is how parents of onlies act, but this is his experience and he always says, " I wish my mom and dad had another child to divide their time with" And I will say that my aunt is kind of strange and would probably be up in all of her kid's business, even if she had 7 kids!

My cousin also feels a big amount of pressure to please them because he is all they have. All of the burden in any situation always falls on him. His mother cried when he decided to spend Christmas with his wife's family because "we will be alone" ( he lives far enough away that spending it with both families is not an option). But he felt that his wife deserved to spend a Christmas with her family a few times and that it wasn't her fault that she had siblings and he didn't.

That all said, he says he will definitely have more than one child.

I think if you feel complete with just one child, than you shouldn't ignore those feelings. You of course, have to do what is best for your family!
GOOD LUCK!


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## pajara2 (Oct 5, 2004)

I'm an only child. Most of what I have to say here has been said...I loved not having to share a bedroom, christmas, vacations, etc. I often wonder what a sibling would be like. I think I'm much closer to my parents than most children because I had them to myself. I have struggled alone with aging parents, and sometimes wished I had someone to share the load in the past. I have found a loving partner that now shares the load and it helps tremendously. I know that having siblings (based on what I've seen of partner and friends relationships) doesn't mean you'll have any help.

I have a 9 y/o son that I was happy to leave as an only child. BUT....my partner and I have decided we would like to try to have a child together. AND yes part of my consideration in having another child is to not leave my son alone when I die. It took me 37 years to find someone for me...the thought of it taking my son that long or longer and possibly being alone broke my heart. So that is one (not the main one, but a big one) of the reasons that we chose NOT to leave him as an only child.

GREAT THREAD...and thanks!


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## awnja (Sep 1, 2004)

Wow, what a great response!

Adult onlies, almost all of your responses seem to be "textbook," so I'm starting to trust the textbooks here. Onlies and oldests tend to turn out basically the same, so I don't think in the long run a sibling will effect *who* my baby becomes. If we stop here (quite likely) I will just have to accept that her childhood will be different from mine and there may be situations I can't relate to.... there would be anyway!

Siblings:
Like many of you, I have a brother, 13 mos younger (mom thought ebf was solid birth control :LOL) that has little to do with the family these days and shows little interest in maintaining a close relationship. But growing up we did everything together and, well I can't imagine a childhood without children in it. Can't imagine NOT taking turns opening Christmas gifts, for example, some for him, some for me, some for both. We even took baths together when we were little. All experiences were shared, talked about, it seemed enriching. Nope, no benifit in the adult life, but he did shape my childhood memories.

My sister is 7 years older and has a different dad. I benifit from my relationship with her more now. She's so helpful with family stuff... My dad has MS and mom works too much but knowing she's out there helps me not feel too burdened to be a perfect daughter to my parents...who don't accept much help anyway, but I still feel bad for their situation... but maybe if they had only had one child, they'd have some more retirement money and I wouldn't always be worried about them!









Compensating:
It seems like everyone at my church had babies at the same time, so she has LOTS of peers there. If we stick around, I hope she forms strong relationships there and learns that mom and dad's way is not the only way, that not everyone is as careful with your feelings as we are, and how fun it is to experience something new with a friend. She and her friends can try explaining to me what's so cool about the latest whatever and it won't be so bad if I roll my eyes because she's got someone on her side. We have a faint dream of moving to Vermont someday and if we ever do, I would REALLY miss being a mother at this church.

Thanks for the link!!! Thanks for the GREAT points!!! I will be checking out that tribe soon.

Julie


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## EllieB (Nov 14, 2003)

Quote:

I just want to say something about the idea of having more children so they won't be alone after the parents die. I hear this a lot as a reason not to have an only and it doesn't make sense to me. I don't feel that this is fully thought through or fair reasoning as given.
I always found this odd to say too. My mom is an only child and when her mom passes away she will still have her 5 kids and my dad and her own friends to support her. BUT, the way she feels she will be "alone" is that no one else will share her memories anymore. None of us were around during her childhood, no one knows exactly what it was like having her mom as a mother, none of us will be able to truly understand her grief although we all of course will be grieving too. So would it be easier with a sibling? No I don't think so, except she'd have people around to carry on the connection with her childhood. Of course there are no guarantees like others said that she would have been close to her siblings at all.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EllieB*
I always found this odd to say too. My mom is an only child and when her mom passes away she will still have her 5 kids and my dad and her own friends to support her. BUT, the way she feels she will be "alone" is that no one else will share her memories anymore. None of us were around during her childhood, no one knows exactly what it was like having her mom as a mother, none of us will be able to truly understand her grief although we all of course will be grieving too. So would it be easier with a sibling? No I don't think so, except she'd have people around to carry on the connection with her childhood.

I must comment on this! My parents died when I was 12 and 14. I was the eldest of three kids (my sister was 8 and 10, brother was 4 and 6). This is an ABSOLUTELY valid point - that may be hard to understand if your parents are still living. Having gone through this, I can say that it was then and continues to be a crucially special thing to have my siblings. They ARE a link to my parents. No one and nothing can bring them back but they are alive in us. My siblings actually resemble our parents quite a bit - and will often do or say things that remind me of mom and dad. We have many years of shared memories of our parents - which we talk and laugh about all the time. I did not feel alone or far from them. I think until you lose your parents (either with or without siblings), it may be hard to understand how much siblings can help continue that bond of love and family that you had when your parents were alive.
I am not trying to make anyone with onlies feel badly. I just feel so strongly about the above that I just had to comment that it is a valid point for many of us that have gone through that. I think most people feel strongly that they will have one - or that they'll have multiple kids. I doubt any thread changes the mind of very many people in regards to how many kids they'll have. Although I once read (here on MDC) that when you are done, you know it - if you are questioning, you probably are not done. I have been on both the questioning and the knowing side and it was obvious to me when I got there.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Kirsten- Thank you for explaining your pov. I think that in the case like you mentioned where you were a child when your parents died it is easier to understand.
As a parent of an only, I hear the reasoning often enough from people mostly who think someone else (like me) should have more children. They seem to be talking about adult children whose parents die. They don't explain why a child (adult) would be alone. It really doesn't seem to be thought through reasoning for many as I do feel there are holes in it. As a youngest child, I will always wonder what about the last child living and why don't people care if they are "alone".
Do you plan to do something to ensure that your youngest sibling or child will not be alone when all their sibling die?

You can have as many kids as you want to have and choose how to decide. I support people in their choices.


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

I was raised an only child, and I hated it. No feeling was worse then after my friends went home, and it was just me to play by myself for the hours before bedtime. I was so envious of my friends who could go home and still play with their siblings. That's why I have 3 children.


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## sincitymama (Sep 20, 2003)

I was and am very happy to be an only child. There were (and are!) lots of people in my extended family so there's always cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, etc.. I remember loving to play with the other kids(friend or cousin) but also relieved when they went home. I always needed lots of time alone to feel ok, and still do. I need my own physical, emotional, mental space and don't think it's because of being an only as I remember feeling that way from very young. I like other people but love being alone, it's just something in me. Our son will be an only. Dh has a sister whom he loves but is not very close to and is also very happy with our decision to not have more. I know that having any more would be too much for me, and I also think that having a sane and happy mama and daddy is at least as important as any reason to have siblings. Perhaps my family is unique though, I'm still close to lots of cousins who are also having babies now. Ds will grow up with as much time around his THIRD cousins as I had with my 1st cousins, so i don't worry about him not having family support should something terrible happen or as we age. I know I'd rather ds have a mom who can cope than a sibling to experience my inability to handle more children with. Terrible sentence structure, sorry. Go with your gut on this oen I think, you have to know your own limitations. Some people are so happy with lots of kids, but I know I just couldn't handle it.


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## mirpnmama (Sep 27, 2004)

i HATED being an only child, and now as a "grown-up" with my own family. i still HATE it!! i wished i had had brothers and sisters to play with and fight with then, and share with now......just my opinion....


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## clothcrazymom (Sep 13, 2003)

I don't think it works to have children for the other children. I think that often parents will have some fantasy about how their children's relationships with each other will be and it's often very far from reality. It can be a major let down when things don't turn out as one had dreamed. I think it's a really good idea to have a strong desire to have children when having children.

I wanted to say a couple of things after just skimming this thread. I'm an only child...all my life I just knew that I would do whatever it took to have more than one child. It wasn't that I felt deprived because I was an only child. I guess I sortof felt like there was something missing in my life...not like a conscious thing...just a longing of sorts.

My husband is the youngest and his siblings are 8 and 10 years older than he is. He is also much younger than the rest of his extended family (his cousins are in the same age group as my parents. His mother was the youngest of 8 and then he is the youngest in his family....so major age gaps) It's a huge difference to have siblings that are widely spaced and be an only child. While widely spaced children may not have "grown up together"...they still do have siblings. The dynamics are just different in families with only children and families of more than one child. It's just something that irks me when people go on about how they were like an only child because of age span of their siblings...it's not the same.

No matter how aware parents are, things are just very different when there is just one child. I'm not saying that it's necessarily bad...just different. All of my life I have heard the arguments for and against having an only child. No matter how much someone wants to make it seem that it can be the same as having more than one child...it's not. I have 3 children and the differences in families with more than one child from those with just one child are huge.

I also have to say that I think there is a significant difference between "onlies" and the "oldests". While many of the books to point out similarities...there are also vast differences. Onlies deal with everything...being the oldest, the middle, and the youngest. Oldests do not.

Also, I notice that the OPs child is still very young. It's possible that in years to come you may feel differently. It's possible you may not. I think it's really good to leave the options open (this coming from someone who was clearly done after 2 children and 10 years later had a very strong desire to have more) Life can look very differently at different times. I think often we will get locked into looking at our future from our present or past...when it's virtually impossible to see what the future will hold. All the things that are major considerations today very well may not be down the road.

No matter what....having children is not a very logically based thing. It can easily be argued that we will never have enough money, time, etc. That's not what it's about.

I'm in no way advocating that someone has more than one child just for the sake of having more than one child. I just think that having children has more to do with coming from the heart than the head...no matter how many one has.

And no matter what...each child has his or her own path. I often see that parents think that they have way more impact on a child's path than they really do. They think that if they have one child things will be a certain way, or if they have more than one child it will be a certain way...or if they are spaced a certain way...or whatever. Sometimes I think that humans can be very arrogant in thinking that they have much more control over things than they do.

So with all my ramblings...this is what I have to say to the OP... I wouldn't worry too much about it all at this point. No permanent decisions need to be made right now. Life often takes us in much different directions than we may have thought. Go with it and in time the answers will reveal themselves







Your child(ren)'s path is their own and things turn out the way they are meant to. I find that when there is a problem, it is most often because we are getting in our own way.

And I do agree that when we are "done" we feel at peace with it. It's not really something that comes into question any longer. And I don't mean feel at peace after a year or whatever...I think it's a long term peace. And even with that....I also believe that we can be at peace with it for a very long time and then things can shift. It's really not necessary to make a permanent decision about such things.


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## grumo (Dec 12, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *happyhippiemama*
I *loved loved loved* being an only child. As I became an adult, and started seeing the very special adult sibling relationships that my friends have, I admit to feeling a pang of - I dunno - not quite envy - a resignation, maybe?? that I would never experience or _truly understand_ that type of relationship.









I feel this way and I have an older sister (4 years)!

Pretty much all of my friends have two kids. Frankly I am glad more often than not that I have have one. Sure sometimes there are golden moments (and I am sure I miss most of them!) that having a sibling is uniquely enriching, but most of the time it looks like a lot of work.

I feel much like the OP. DH has always been certain he only wanted one. Now three years after dd was born I am certain enough in the decision that he gets snip snipped next week. Merry Christmas!


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## MamaFern (Dec 13, 2003)

my partner would be happy only having one child..i have siblings. my brother and i were very close.. 18 months apart and inseprable..and my sister and i are 5 years apart and didn't get along at all back then but now are great friends.. i can't imagine not having siblings..

i feel like my family is incomplete. i want another one now and maybe even more.. i wish for my partners sake that i felt complete just the three of us..

but i cant imagine such a friendly kid being an only child. he loves other people so much..but like many of you have said, you never can tell how things will work out.


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## nicholas_mom (Apr 23, 2004)

Quote:

So, i was this miracle, this enormous answer to prayer. I hated that all my life.
This is sad statement. I am afraid my son will feel this, too!!! We tried for 7 years including infertility treatments. Finally my IVF worked! Infertility treatments are sooooooooo emotional and physically exhausting. DH and I NEVER want to do infertility treatments again!

I always wanted more children but I am afraid he will be an only. This makes me very sad to read your comment because I was wondering if he will feel this.


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## awnja (Sep 1, 2004)

Well, just don't have that fact in his face all the time. Let your world be bigger than him. Let him be normal. I've read that beccause we pay close attention to onlies (which can be good and bad) they learn to pay close attention to themselves. Maybe if you help him learn not to take himself too seriously, the fact that he's a "miracle" won't be a burden. The fact that you only have one child shouldn't be his "problem."

All of us are miracles! We don't ALL resent that fact!

Julie


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Great comments about the pros and cons of siblings for the child(and the lack of any guantees . . .)

But now to a possible con for the parents': it breaks my heart when I hear about parents loosing thier one and only child as a teenager or young adult. If you have more than one, it is harder to be left childless? Does anyone worry about this? (Don't mean to sound crass or to say that some losses are worse than others).


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## MamaFern (Dec 13, 2003)

i have thought about that.. not that i would be any less devestated if my son died, but i think that if i had other children i would be able to cope better than if he was my only son..


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

My dh grew up an only child but wasn't born one. He had an older brother (19 years older - MIL's first marriage) who was killed in a car accident when dh was 3 or 4. We have pix of them together and he has some memories of him. My MIL has said that she was able to go on because of Marty. I think she would have gone on anyway (she is very religious) but I think she was able to do so with some joy in her life because of the son she still had.

Another real life situation that we know of - Friends of ours have a daughter from her first marriage. That daughter was diagnosed with leukemia. She had half siblings but no full siblings. My friend was so distraught with grief that she considered the idea of having another baby with her ex if it got to the point of needing a bone marrow transplant and not having a match. I know that is a very controversial idea but if your child could die, you think of every option. I am not suggesting people have siblings for bone marrow insurance but the thread seemed to be going that way and this is something that my friend had to deal with. Of course the siblings COULD be estranged and COULD not be a match anyway or refuse to agree to it. But it again gives you that POSSIBILITY.

I think everyone has a bent for or against siblings as a concept. I don't think anyone's mind will be changed if they feel strongly. I am glad there is a support of onlies area - and I wouldn't post my pro-sibling thoughts there as it wouldn't be appropriate. But the OP asked and seemed not to be decided. I think it is interesting to hear everyone's opinions and experiences whether an only or a sib.


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## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

I think you have to follow your heart and do what is right for your family and yourself. We have one child and are only having one, mostly for financial reasons. But, that is okay. I have lots of friends who are only children and although some of them wish they had siblings, all of them have very good strong friendships. I have friends with big families and some are close and some are not. I really don't buy that there is something wrong with only one child. I think when we are adults and discontent or unhappy, we may look to our childhood and seek reasons. Also, of course, we tend to want what we don't have. My best friend is an only child and she said, laughingly, her worst nightmare as a kid was her mom would get pregnant and she'd have a sibling!

I have thought, though, like Mamawanabe mentioned, about "what if" something happened (horrible) to my beloved only son? But, after a bit of consideration, I concluded that having another child would be no consolation. At least not for me. I also can't have a second child for that reason alone.


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## Juliacat (May 8, 2002)

I was happy as a child, yes. But (because my parents are older) I had to start taking care of my aging parents starting in sixth grade, and that was a VERY hard thing to do all by myself. It still is hard to relate to my parents in a healthy way.

Besides that, the worst thing about being an only child was I got the idea that everyone is paying very close attention to everything I say and do all the time. It makes me overly self-conscious in public, causes me to talk too much and not listen enough, and other related personality problems. However, I'm usually aware enough of this to be able to compensate. I'm not a selfish or uncaring person and I've never had any problem sharing a bedroom, etc. with someone. I have friends.

Do I wish I had siblings? Heck yeah. But I turned out okay without them, and I totally sympathize with how much EASIER it is to raise one child--you get to have the fun of being a parent while still having a lot of the freedom you had before, financial and otherwise.

If I had an only child myself, I would make an effort to pay a lot less attention to him than my parents paid to me.


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## mystic~mama (Apr 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sohj*
If it isn't one thing, it is another.

I was an only.

I was and am fairly unhappy with my childhood.

Was it _because_ I was an only child?










Oh, for crying out loud! Of course not! That has nothing to do with it. It is just incidental, not causual.

And I know several happy only children. And I know several unhappy ones. And the same goes for people from big families.

It all depends on the raising.










You can't plan everything, you just have to take it one day at a time. If the family feels right to you, it probably is.

I only read the first page......I think what sohj posted makes a lot of sense....great sig line btw sohj...I have heard a song or two by Jon Prine would really like to listen to that one!

My dh was an only child....he came out...well to be perfectly honest troubled not crazy or anything but he has his issues and I dont blame any of it on him being an only child ...I am the middle of an older bro and younger sis...my siblings were extremely mean to me at times and I think at times I would have done better without them given my personality. We arent very close but when times get tough we are always there for eachother and we do love eachother in our own disfunctional way.

zoesmummy~
you posted "I can't bear the thought of her being alone once I'm dead and gone." Ive never once thought about that....I was kind of blown away when I read it


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## awnja (Sep 1, 2004)

The way I see it, having any child at all opens up the risk of a terribly broken heart. (I considered this before marriage, getting pregnant.. I'm pretty careful with my heart but once I'm commited, I'm the oposite and put it all on the line.) The more kids I have the higher the probability something awful will happen to one of them, right? Anyway, the way in which I morn, it would probably be better/easier if I DIDN'T have an other child to tend to, comfort, etc. (I'd want to take up smoking again, /i bet.) And the gaping hole would be there forever regardless. And I'll be a mother forever regardless of how many kids I have or lose thanks to my first, my only.

Juliacat, you really seem to have a good grip on who you are and why. Yes, I plan to intentionally fix my attention beyond my little one. This article was quite inspiring:
http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html

and dd (8 mos) is already so much more content and pleasant when just being part of the action instead of the center of it.

I also have learned from my parents' mistakes and my in-laws' wisdom that its so important to take care of myself -- i.e. retirement gets paid before college fund -- because I don't ever want to be a burden to dd. I'm always worrying about my unhealthy, hard-working, broke parents, while dh's parents have retired comfortably and in a way the whole family can benifit from (nice guest room, fun website, etc.) and are still quite productive.

So many things to consider. Good thing we have each sweet day to savor along the way.

Julie


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

I know what you are feeling. I was very comfortable having just one child, but I am having another almost mainly because I wanted my son to have a sibling that was close in age. I also didn't want any regrets at having only one child. There are people I know that have only had one child and they regret it, and their are others that have had one and are very satisfied. It is a very personal decision. Having only one child is one of those things that you can't go back and change later in life. A person could adopt, but those close bonds that form between siblings are harder to create the longer the child has grown up alone, I think.

Even though I have a brother, I was raised as an only child (me by my grandparents, brother by my mother). We have never been close as we only saw each other several times a year. It was lonely, but I found ways to entertain myself. I will say that it is harder to relate to other people, but that could be my personality rather than how I grew up. I don't regret being raised as an only child. It did have many benefits such as: less strife in the household, quiet time for reflection, more individual time with grandparents (or parents in other situations), and more freedom to be myself (didn't have to be an example for a younger sibling or not do things because they might want to).

I wish you peace with whatever decision you make!


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## Juliacat (May 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *awnja*
Juliacat, you really seem to have a good grip on who you are and why. Yes, I plan to intentionally fix my attention beyond my little one.

Thank you, awnja. I'm glad you plan to do that. I think it will help.

I want to add that I plan to have at least two children myself, but my mother also wanted several children and could only have one, so I think having a plan B up my sleeve is a good idea, too.

I also want to illustrate what I mean about my own spin on only-child syndrome. Yes, my parents paid WAY too much attention to me. I couldn't get up to throw a banana peel in the trash without being asked where I was going and what I was doing. So there's that. But there's a more subtle aspect of it as well. If you have several kids, you're likely to say, "Let's pick up the kids from school," "Let's let the kids take turns picking a restaurant," "Let's send the kids over to their grandparents' house." With an only child, you're likely to call her by name: "Let's pick up _Julie_ from school," etc. Being singled out like that in subtle ways happens a LOT. And I think it changes the way a person thinks about herself.

But it sounds like you're already two steps ahead of the game by thinking through all of this in advance. Good for you!


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## sweetest (May 6, 2004)

Both Dh and I are the oldest - I never thought about there being similairties between being the only child and being the oldest.

Right now I have a little nagging feeling that I want another, but I dont know how much of that has to do with the fact that dd is now 18 months and no longer a little baby, and Im just mourning the fact I will never have a baby again.

We had planned on having one for so many reasons. As the oldest of 3, I remember my childhood as one of limited resources and major responsibilities. My sister is 3 years younder than me and my brother is 6 years younger. I had to watch them after school, get dinner started, get them up in the morning, iron everyones clothes, etc. Because of this I resented my siblings and was never close to them growing up. I just dont want to do that to my dd. I actually dont share well because I never had stuff of my own growing up.

But I do adore my little brother now, although we didnt become close until he went to college and looked to me for guidance. My sis and I have just now started speaking frequently because she has a new baby and needs some support. So they are more like friends I probably would have had anyway.








Until I read this thread I thought "onlies" were one year olds!







:


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

Well you have to do what is right for you, but I can answer your original question. No I was not happy. I always wished I had a sibling to share with. I was jealous of other kids who had large families. Holidays with just me and my parents always felt (and still do) kind of lonely.


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## Unoppressed MAMA Q (Jun 13, 2004)

i am an only. MY parents were a bit on the controlling/neurotic side while i was growing up. if there had been more than me, i think that we could have teamed up to help my parents mellow out. instead, my childhood was at times intolerable B/c they could hyper-focus on every damn thing i did 'wrong'.
i think that a child with loving, relaxed parents who do not try to impose their expectations could be perfectly happy. based just on your post, you don't sound like a control freak about your child's personal choices.
as an adult (and i'm fairly resolved about my parents, we're pretty darn close now), i don't feel any ongoing longing for siblings. if i actually think about it, i would love to have one or two. but i have friends, and i in no way feel alone.
good luck with all your choices.


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