# Football, family, my son, and me



## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

Hi

DS is 2.5 and we have a no live TV policy in our house which to be frank I need to uphold on a regular basis. (DH just seems drawn to the remote) DS watches approved DVDs...which I OK and which contain NO commericals which is a big part of my refusal to allow live TV.

So DH's huge italian family, who 99% of the time I adore, all live close by and are all very close. They are all also sports fans. This year my MIL keeps having football get togethers on sundays. We usually just do the superbowl thing, but not this year. Every weekend, she's inviting everyone over to watch whatever game is on.

sorry fo typos..typing as I eat lunch one handed..lol
So I have some issues with this.
1. I Hate football and sitting through a 3 hour game is about as fun as root canal for me personally but this is not my issue
2. I don't want DS watching football becasue I find it violent
3. I don't want DS to think that sitting and staring and yelling at a TV is the "norm"... meaning I really don't like when folks get so into a sport that all life ceases to have meaning when the game is on, I'm sure you all know the type
4. I loathe the commercials that air during games...the worst of the worst I think with the fast food, the drugs, and beer ads with women with big boobs...it's just really low rent
5. My MIL bless her serves food that is my own personal worst nightmare for DS...all bought at costco (so you know what kind of "meat" that is) prepared foods etc. I once thought DS would be safe nibbling on crackers unitl I looked at the box...corn syrup, preservatives, hydrogenated oils, food coloring..in crackers for pete's sake... ugh. I'd bring over my own foood for DS but it really upsets her and being a person who also entertains frequently I know how I would feel if someone refused to eat my food

So I don't know what to do. I understand the importance of family time but I just HATE football because I think it's more than a sport, it's like a whole culture, one I want nothign to do with and I really don't want DS watching it. I was OK with the superbowl because it was once a year but every weekend? DH is no healp becasue an afternoon of junk food and football and his family is his own personal heaven.

Not sure how to compromise here.


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## AGF (Aug 6, 2009)

In my opinion, go and just let it be what it is or don't go. If you are really truly concerned about a once a week tv/snack fest than do something else. Its not realistic for them to expect you to be there every weekend. If it were me, I would think that spending time with the family would be more important to me than a less than healthy snack. But it is up to you and your husband to decide what is most important to you!


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## My3guys (May 27, 2009)

Let me preface this by saying I am married to a HUGE sports guy and it is just part of our life. We watch sports, spend money to attend sporting events, play sports, coach our kids in sports, etc.

Fortunately, the football season is only 16 weeks with another 3-4 weeks of playoffs. So, at most we are talking 5 months. It isn't the entire year. You have that going for you. My husband is a baseball and basketball fan. There are like 160 baseball games in a season and over 80 basketball games. Football is so much less. Consider yourself lucky.

I think you can easily find compromise with your husband in terms of the number of weekends he spends there. That seems easy. If he goes every other weekend for just one game (not a double header), that is only 10 games. 10 games over an entire year doesn't seem like that much. In terms of bringing your son, that is also easy. It seems unfair to expect a 2.5 year old to sit still for the 3 hours of a game. So, it is easy to keep him home. Or, if he goes, bring toys or something to keep him occupied.

To me, the biggest issue is the food and the commercials. I know I really struggle with the commercials in sports. So much so that we tend to tivo gmes and start watching about half-way through. That way we can speed through the commercials. I don't need my little boys seeing Hooters ads.

In terms of the food, does she serve fruit or vegetables? If not, bring your own and have him eat that. I actually buy a lot of organic meat and seafood from Costco so I am not quite sure what the comment there was meant. I totally understand your point about entertaining. If it was an adult who brought his own food to my house, I think I would be a bit upset. However, I would NEVER care, or even really think twice, about a parent bringing food for a kid. That is easy.

I hope you can find compromise soon. If it is any consolation, there are only two more weeks (just three games TOTAL) of football left until the fall. At least you have that.


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## rhiandmoi (Apr 28, 2006)

I don't think you can prevent your son from getting into sports. I mean, he will know they exist as he gets older, and he will either get into them or not. Plenty of people that grow up in sports centered households don't get into sports and vice versa. Also, for a lot of people, watching a sporting event is a shared cultural experience. Like you always remember what you were doing when you saw that really big play that saved your team, or that call that took them out of the game, or whatever.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

We too are huge football fans. At our football and family parties there are always a ton of kids running around and they aren't watching any of the game. Is your son the only kid there? That seems weird that the other family members wouldn't bring their kids too. What about the other wives? There are a few people (not just wives) in our family who don't like football but they still love the get togethers.

Secondly I just don't think some crappy crackers are worth the uproar. I agree with the pp though and would never think twice with a parent bringing specific food for their toddler. I would assume the kid was picky and not give it another thought.

And Costco food is fine. And there is no "type" who loves football and I'd probably keep the "low rent" stuff to myself as well. Be careful there-those kinds of comments just sound really nitpicky and like you think his family is lowbrow or culturally deficient.

Finally I have never been a fan of one parent laying down a no live TV in the house policy if the other parent isn't on board. I kind of think that sucks that one person gets to decide the viewing habits of the other adult. Sounds like your DH really likes football and frankly he should be able to watch football at home. If you feel that football is that huge a corrupting influence then maybe you and your son can go to the library or do something out of the house and let your dh have a couple of hours.

You are certainly not obligated to go every weekend and it is only for two more weeks anyways.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *betsyj* 
We too are huge football fans. At our football and family parties there are always a ton of kids running around and they aren't watching any of the game. Is your son the only kid there? That seems weird that the other family members wouldn't bring their kids too. What about the other wives? There are a few people (not just wives) in our family who don't like football but they still love the get togethers.

Secondly I just don't think some crappy crackers are worth the uproar. I agree with the pp though and would never think twice with a parent bringing specific food for their toddler. I would assume the kid was picky and not give it another thought.

And Costco food is fine. And there is no "type" who loves football and I'd probably keep the "low rent" stuff to myself as well. Be careful there-those kinds of comments just sound really nitpicky and like you think his family is lowbrow or culturally deficient.

Finally I have never been a fan of one parent laying down a no live TV in the house policy if the other parent isn't on board. I kind of think that sucks that one person gets to decide the viewing habits of the other adult. Sounds like your DH really likes football and frankly he should be able to watch football at home. If you feel that football is that huge a corrupting influence then maybe you and your son can go to the library or do something out of the house and let your dh have a couple of hours.

You are certainly not obligated to go every weekend and it is only for two more weeks anyways.

Really, costco food is NOT fine. But that's a whole other thread.

I don't care if DH watches TV after DS is asleep but TV is not good for children and commercials are hugely recognized as not acceptable for children as well. And FYI, DH agrees with me that DS should not watch TV, he just tries to sneak it when he thinks DS is not watching. I enjoy TV watching too but I no longer do it around DS becasue it's in his best interest.

Also, I did not say sports, I said football. My issue is with football. I played every sport under the sun as a kid.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhiandmoi* 
I don't think you can prevent your son from getting into sports. I mean, he will know they exist as he gets older, and he will either get into them or not. Plenty of people that grow up in sports centered households don't get into sports and vice versa. Also, for a lot of people, watching a sporting event is a shared cultural experience. Like you always remember what you were doing when you saw that really big play that saved your team, or that call that took them out of the game, or whatever.

Of course its NOT a shared cultural experience of you hate it YKWIM? I think that the real issue here is the exposure to media that the OP finds violent and inappropriate for her kid. Football holds a funny place in American culture. If the family liked to get together and watch horror movies or even watch pro wrestling I think the responses would be very different.

My Dad's family was a lot like this when I was growing up. I have always been very bleh on sports (and thank GOD my husband has no interest either) and this disinterest on my part ended up being one element of a huge cultural wedge that was driven between me and them. I never ever see that side of the family anymore. So sports can be a divisive element in family dynamics also.

OP, if you go to these family funtions tell everyone that you think your soni s too young to participate in watching the sports, and tell your son that it is a grownup activity. Then entertain him in another room. If the fam is upset by this then I think there are larger issues than sprots going on.


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## not now (Mar 12, 2007)

Are there other kids there? Most football gatherings I go to have multiple children involved and while they sometimes stop and watch most of the time they are playing together. The 2.5 year olds that I know aren't zoning out on football if other kids are willing to play with them.


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

We are avid football fans- my kids love football too. But my 7, 5 and 2.5 year old probably watch 5 minutes total per game and they're interested! You know what they say about forbidden fruit...

And the costco food is probably not the best, but once a week/ a month it won't kill him (really it won't!). And in my Italian family it is a huge faux pas to show up empy handed- you could certainly bring a veggie and dip tray, salsa and tortilla chips or even a nitrate-free antipasto (though that can run big bucks!)


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

I can understand an increased annoyance at the football-watching suddenly becoming EVERY weekend. I'd try to duck out of some of those weekends with your DS, according to your feelings about tv/football/food issues.

I don't think bringing over a preferred dish or two of food would be an issue, especially if it's a big and regular gathering. Nor would a small activity or two that you and DS could do during commercials or lulls in the game/etc. so it's not such a sitting-down TV fest. Depends on how into football-watching your DS is and that sort of thing, what'd be the big deal if you set up fingerpainting in the other room?

Here, dd watches football with dh when he's off - for us, though, its his time to watch her, I spend time in the house doing stuff myself and cooking food for us. They'll watch it really actively and play 'football' together during commercials with dd's little football (and for her, I think, it's all about getting to yell in the house and we don't complain about it) - and often he'll record the games to skip commercials. I don't share your issues about football-appropriateness, but the way dh has dealt with it we do avoid certain food/tv-coma types of issues which I understand your concern about.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

It seems like you are the only one that has a problem with this, and really, its only once a week, a few months out of the year. if you are feeding your child healthy foods and providing a no tv environment for the majority of the week, that one day isnt going to do much harm and it seems important to the family. your son may have great memories of it when he is older.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
DS is 2.5 and we have a no live TV policy in our house which to be frank I need to uphold on a regular basis. (DH just seems drawn to the remote) DS watches approved DVDs...which I OK and which contain NO commericals which is a big part of my refusal to allow live TV.

It sounds like _you_ have a no live tv policy. Is your dh on board with this decision? It is his son too, right?

Quote:

DH is no healp becasue an afternoon of junk food and football and his family is his own personal heaven.
.
You can protect your ds from the football afternoons with dh's family for a few years (after that, your ds will have more of a say and may or may not be interested). But, it may come at a cost to family relationships, and a cost to your dh's enjoyment of his family (his wife, his son, and his extended family). For me, it wouldn't be even close to worth the cost.

With our young children, we have some foods that are an absolute, 100% "no" in any situation. When dd was younger, anything with food coloring, MSG, or asparatame was out. We'd read labels, and let her know which foods at a gathering were ok and which foods were not. Now that she is older, only asparatame is still a 100% "no". Things like preservatives, transfats, HFCS, etc were not what we served at home, but not things we would get upset about at occasional gatherings. That was our compromise.


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## lilgreen (Dec 5, 2003)

I know how you feel. My ds1 is now 8 and refuses to go anywhere if there is a "big" game on (big according to my dh). It's become paralyzing. My ds2 (4) is also getting into it. Their favourite parts are teh commercials. You'll have to excuse me because I'm doing a PhD in women's and gender studies, but those beer commercials are HORRENDOUS!

BUT, I'm working on accepting this. If there is something that I really want to do with the kids on the weekend, I don't accept ds1's refusal, but I do try to realize that it's part of the boys' relationship with their dad. Dh and I have very different ideals about parenting and I tend to be the one who sets limits. I try to set limits that accept dh's ways.

If you can escape some of these weekly getogethers so you don't feel like they're so often, that would be a good way of setting a limit while also accepting it. This would help with the food issue, too.

hth


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

What's the cost of not going? You've outlined clearly why you don't like it, and the negatives associated with going.

Can you do the same for the negatives involved in staying away? Off the top of my head they would be:
-Missing a family experience that's important to the extended family
-Not partaking in a family experience that dad really enjoys

how does that weigh against the food and tv issues that you have?

If it were me and I hated football, I'd have dh go without me some/most of the time (but take the kids!). I'd use this time for some well deserved time to catch up with old friends or read a worthless novel or take a bubble bath. I'd go about one a month (every other week if you really like his family).

As for the food - clearly the stuff that your MIL buys you object to. Fair enough. But either you have to let it go or bring your own. My kids are remarkably picky about the junk food they eat, and they're pretty able to leave it when they're not hungry. If I give them a good meal before we go, they won't eat much while we're out. So, junk food isn't a big trigger for me.


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
Hi

So I don't know what to do. I understand the importance of family time but I just HATE football because *I think it's more than a sport, it's like a whole culture, one I want nothign to do with and I really don't want DS watching it.* I was OK with the superbowl because it was once a year but every weekend? DH is no healp becasue an afternoon of junk food and football and his family is his own personal heaven.

Not sure how to compromise here.

Well, I agree with basically everything that you said.









Unlike most of the other posters, I am not a fan of organized sports in general, and football in particular; I also totally agree about the commercials, and I chuckled about "low rent"-- absolutely.

If I were you, I would not go.

I also disagree that you have no control over whether your child is "into sports." IMO, there are two issues-- healthy interest in play and competition, which I think is absolutely, 100% good for a variety of reasons; and our culture's bizarre obsession with multi-million dollar franchise sports which are all about profit for advertisers and players and owners (profits driven by playing upon a general need that people feel to be part of a "team" and creating a truly false sense of camaraderie). You can encourage your child to participate wholly in option 1 while intentionally cutting down on opportunities to participate in option 2, and personally, that's the course I want to pursue for my family.

So--- I have no advice except to say that I think you should avoid it if possible-- and that I support you.


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## hippiemama76 (Jun 11, 2009)

We are big college football fans. We follow one team (Go Gators!) and only watch their games. Our TiVo has become our best friend during football season. We start watching the game about 45 minutes or so after it starts so that we have enough time recorded that we can fast forward through the commericals (our DDs are not allowed to watch TV with commericals). Although we're really into the game, we are *both* always parents first, which means that if we need to pause the game or put it off until after bed time, that's what happens (so no DH glued to the couch while I am reading, changing diapers, and playing games).

If we lived in the same town as my parents, we would probably watch the game at their house every week with other family members. (We definitely wouldn't see the ILs on a weekly basis, since I'm not their greatest fan . . .)

For us, the violence in football is secondary to the actual sport of it. Although it hasn't come up, we wouldn't let DDs watch boxing, wrestling, or . . . .what is that cage fighting thing? Ultimate Fighting? With those sports, violence is . . . not sure how to put it . . . like, the point of the event. You're supposed to beat up the other person. Football, in our minds at least, is about strategy and game play, with some incidental injury. That could totally be me justifying, though, since I'm a fan.

If you are going to be going over there on a regular basis, it's really important to get the food situation under control. Is your MIL the kind of person you (or your DH) can have a frank conversation with? If she wants to provide the food, can you give her some ideas of what your LO is allowed to eat? Will she be ammendable to you bringing food of your own, esp. since it's for a child? To me the food is the bigger deal, since that will be a regular, not seasonal, conflict.


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## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

I am NOT a sports person and I understand everything you say about your dislike of football. I never thought about the commercials, per se, but in retrospect you're right! I really dislike the national obsession with sports and the way some people are so invested in sports teams, the ridiculous waste of money, everything about it.

Personally, it would be torture for me to spend one day every week around a bunch of sports fans, even if they are family. It would basically be a waste of a day for me, unless there were other people there to socialize with that were as uninterested in the game as me.

How do you feel about a compromise? Maybe go once month? That seems like a reasonable frequency to me.

Does your MIL cook dinner also, or is it just a day of snacking in front of the TV? If there's dinner afterwards, maybe you could time your arrival for halftime or the 4th quarter so you're there for just part of the game.

Personally, I wouldn't freak about the food, but I do understand your dislike of everything else surrounding the past time. Unfortunately, you may find that as your DS gets older he decides he really enjoys "football sundays" with the family and at that point I think you'll have to honor your DS's personal preferences.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

OP here

Yes, DS is the only child there. My MIL's other grandkids are all over 17 so it's kind of him plus a bunch of adults yelling at a TV, which he also doesn't understand and sometimes gets upset thinking everyone is mad.

The problem with NOT going is that as I said we are a very close family and any abscence is well, kind of frowned upon. If you are familiar with big italian families, then you'd understand. When MIL calls a party- you go.

And DH's family is VERY mainstream and really struggles I think to understand why we eat the way we eat. (which DH is fully supportive and appreciates99% of the time...it's just I guess his Mom, so he wants to eat and make her happy)

Anyway, thanks for all the opinions. Just feel a little stuck doing something I really don't want to expose DS to.


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## JessBB (Apr 10, 2007)

Let. It. Go.

Seriously, do not die on this hill. To mitigate, maybe make plans on some of the Sundays - playdates with WOHP who are unavailable during the week, maybe? Also, why can't you take ds in the other room and play with him? And does he nap? Would he not be asleep for part of the time during afternoon games? If nothing else, there are two weeks left in this season so just deal and then you'll have until August to brainstorm some other solutions. Oh, and be careful about being so certain about what you do and do not want your ds to like. He is his own person and he just might be the type who will relentlessly go after the most forbidden things!

Also, maybe the prepared food is dubious, but there IS a lot of healthy and economical stuff at costco. Just sayin'.


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## muttmom92 (Mar 20, 2005)

Well, I'm a big football fan and I come from a big Italian family, so I thought I'd weigh in. We watch football in front of our kids and they get excited before a game and put on their Ravens gear. But after the game starts, they pay almost no attention to the game.

The difference from your situation is my kids have one another to play with. And at my family's get togethers there are a ton of young kids running around. Does your son watch the tv? Is there another part of the house you can take him to to play? That way you are there but he's not directly exposed to everything.

And with the food- I've relaxed over the years about what my kids eat during family get togethers. I figure as long as they eat healthy most of the time, a little junk food won't kill them.


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## sunshadow (May 17, 2009)

Sorry, but I wouldn't go. Maybe once a month tops. But, that's just me.


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## ShadowMoon (Oct 18, 2006)

I understand your MIL and food issues. I dated a guy with a very Italian grandma that would cook and host meals/parties at her house all the time. I'm vegan and none of her food was. I always had to bring my own food along to eat at the table. She never really understood why I wouldn't eat what she made, but at least I could join in with my own. Would she really be _that_ upset if you brought your own food for your son? You could still eat what she made (if you want), but at least you would feel better about your son.


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## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
OP here

*Yes, DS is the only child there. My MIL's other grandkids are all over 17 so it's kind of him plus a bunch of adults yelling at a TV, which he also doesn't understand and sometimes gets upset thinking everyone is mad.*

The problem with NOT going is that as I said we are a very close family and any abscence is well, kind of frowned upon. If you are familiar with big italian families, then you'd understand. When MIL calls a party- you go.

And DH's family is VERY mainstream and really struggles I think to understand why we eat the way we eat. (which DH is fully supportive and appreciates99% of the time...it's just I guess his Mom, so he wants to eat and make her happy)

Anyway, thanks for all the opinions. Just feel a little stuck doing something I really don't want to expose DS to.

This makes it that much worse to me. There aren't even other kids to play with. And if the adults are that into football, do they even pay any attention to the DS while he's there? I'm really surprised at all the people who think OP should just go and suck it up every week. What's the point of going and hiding in another room with DS? That's not spending time with family and making memories--that's wasting a day or half a day to appease some people.







It would be different if DS was older and enjoyed himself.

My advice is the same though--it's important to make an appearance at some of these events, but I really think every week is too much. Maybe every other week, maybe once a month, whatver works. If your MIL can't understand that then she's being inflexible.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *noobmom* 
My advice is the same though--it's important to make an appearance at some of these events, but I really think every week is too much. Maybe every other week, maybe once a month, whatver works. If your MIL can't understand that then she's being inflexible.









I agree. Go sometimes, but not every week. One day a week for half the year is just.too.much.

Is part of the issue your DH is still working out who he is supposed to be keeping happy -- you or his mom?

It's a VERY common maritial issue. You should win that one!









At the same time, being flexible is important. I think raising your son without junk food and football is pretty much a lost cause because of the person you made a baby with. You can minimize it now while he is very young, but the reality is that in a few years (or a decade) he'll most likely be in there screaming with his dad (sorry of the bad news).









(I don't know why it is that so many of us fall in love with a person, have a child with them, and then do everything in our power to keep the child from becoming like their other parent.







)

There is a middle ground.


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

There's only so much in your child's environment and community that you can control. I learned that as soon as DD started preschool. It would drive you totally nuts to always be micromanaging, and it would drive everyone around you nuts as well. I'm not minimizing what you're saying about the food and the game (although I TOTALLY agree that once is week is WAY too much...once a month or once every two months maybe...) Food is so much a part of culture, though, and your child is a part of the Italian culture by birth and genes. EATING the food is as much a part of the culture in many ethnic communities. You married into it, and at some point you're going to have to be flexible and compromise on the lesser issues (ie. choose your battles) if you respect anything about your hubby and the community you married into.

It's food, not poison. It's a football game, not a bullfight/MMA.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 

At the same time, being flexible is important. I think raising your son without junk food and football is pretty much a lost cause because of the person you made a baby with. You can minimize it now while he is very young, but the reality is that in a few years (or a decade) he'll most likely be in there screaming with his dad (sorry of the bad news).









(I don't know why it is that so many of us fall in love with a person, have a child with them, and then do everything in our power to keep the child from becoming like their other parent.







)

There is a middle ground.









lol I agree....my ds used to be a lot more sensitive to yelling, roughousing, etc and I was somewhat afraid to let him be around an environment like the yelling hollering loud "guy" football atmosphere but it turned out that he adapted faster than me (which is to say I will NEVER feel the need to jump up and yell full volume at a TV screen







)

I sort of understand about the violence aspect of football, but that might sort of be a lost cause anyway because even though I'm VERY selective about what ds is exposed to on tv and there are no violent toys in the house, he still seems to gravitate towards games and activities that involve tackling, wrestling, hair pulling and other things that make me cringe.

I finally decided that if ds is happy, the people around him are happy (as in he's doing what they're doing and no one seems to mind) and I'm the only person it is truly bothering, to just let it go. I left him with SO for a whole day (at ds' request) and discovered that he had watched a full hour of dora and diego and eaten a lollipop AND icecream for "dessert" after his lunch of pb&j. egads.....but nothing dire happened as a result and life did carry on.

I don't have to be in control of (or even agree with) every single moment of his life for him to turn out OK. It's actually kind of freeing.

I'm not trying to make light of something that obviously bothers you, and it would totally annoy me to have to sit through 3 hours of yelling every Sunday night but if that's your family's "thing" it might be worth it to at least put up with it every now and then, and try to find a compromise on the food as well. Maybe you could deal with the crackers and just bring your own cheese or some other acceptable topping. Surely SOMETHING there is ok for him to eat???


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

If you don't go at least some of the time, I can see this causing problems between you and DH. From what you posted, while he may say he agrees with you on the tv and food, in practice he actually doesn't. This is something the two of you need to discuss and comprimise on. His family of origin is obviously very important to him and you guys need to find way to balance that with the importance of your (yours and dh's) family.

How much of the 4 quarts does you child actually watch? I can't imagine any 2.5 year old sitting still for 2.5 - 3 hours.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I wouldn't go. I detest football and everything it stands for. Other sports, fine. Football, no way. Not to mention - three hours watching it - I'd want to scratch my eyes out with boredom.

Just be honest. "MIL, I don't like football. Love you, love the family, can't stand watching football. Ds and I have other plans."

On the other hand, you chose to marry into a big football culture family. I agree with pp that you can totally keep your son away from it while he's small, but after that, if he has any interest, it's going to be easily fostered.

Maybe he'll be into ballet.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

I love football and DH, DD and I watch all three games every Sunday, but even I wouldn't do that. If I were you I'd maybe go once a month and definitely bring my own food. If MIL gets offended maybe try putting it on the doctor. "Oh his ped said no X until 5" or "Our ped said no x b/c of allergy risk".


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

Well, I fall into a lot of the same catagories as you (Italian myself, sports-loving DH/ILs whereas my family is so not into sports in the same way). I absolutely bring DD's snacks with me. I just have them in her snack traps, easier for her to tote around, and no one questions what's inside. I've loosened up about MIL feeding her some nonorganic things (ie for dirty dozen foods, and hormone-full dairy products) if it's VERY infrequent, but if something was weekly, I'd be bringing food over to share, and directing DD to eat that stuff. And once a week is a LOT. DH specifically got a second DVR for the living room TV b/c he knows I don't like DD seeing the commercials (altho when they come on elsewhere, DD turns her head and says, "Commercials! Don't watch!"







) especially VERY scary, bloody, violent stuff during football. So annoying! Anyway, I'd rather DD ate REAL Italian food with my family (organic local handmade stuff... sorry Costco does not count as traditional Italian culture







) than yes the Costco stuff MIL makes a huge deal out of serving up at her place, but when it's once every two months, it's fine with me. Now. When DD was 1.5, I stuck to the snack traps


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## SpiderMum (Sep 13, 2008)

I think the fact that your DS is the lone grandCHILD at the event and is upset by all the yelling (and sports fans are a whole other level of LOUD...I worked in a sports bar. Ugh!) is reason enough to skip it or at least expect some understanding from your MIL. It sounds like a miserable 3 hours for a frustrated mama and a bored toddler. I also don't think it's out of line to bring food for you DS. Yeah, MIL might get offended...but somebody IS going to be offended in this situation...either you'll be offended by her food or she will be offended by yours. You might as well come out on top in this situation.

Violence of the sport and annoying commercials aside...I have seen how football fans act while watching a game. It is NO PLACE for a small child. It used to scare the dickens out of me as an adult! I think you could either cut back on the visits...or bring plenty of stuff to do and take your DS in another part of the house.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
What's the cost of not going? You've outlined clearly why you don't like it, and the negatives associated with going.

Can you do the same for the negatives involved in staying away? Off the top of my head they would be:
-Missing a family experience that's important to the extended family
-Not partaking in a family experience that dad really enjoys

how does that weigh against the food and tv issues that you have?

If it were me and I hated football, I'd have dh go without me some/most of the time (but take the kids!). I'd use this time for some well deserved time to catch up with old friends or read a worthless novel or take a bubble bath. I'd go about one a month (every other week if you really like his family).

As for the food - clearly the stuff that your MIL buys you object to. Fair enough. But either you have to let it go or bring your own. My kids are remarkably picky about the junk food they eat, and they're pretty able to leave it when they're not hungry. If I give them a good meal before we go, they won't eat much while we're out. So, junk food isn't a big trigger for me.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *JessBB* 
Let. It. Go.

Seriously, do not die on this hill. To mitigate, maybe make plans on some of the Sundays - playdates with WOHP who are unavailable during the week, maybe? Also, why can't you take ds in the other room and play with him? And does he nap? Would he not be asleep for part of the time during afternoon games? If nothing else, there are two weeks left in this season so just deal and then you'll have until August to brainstorm some other solutions. Oh, and be careful about being so certain about what you do and do not want your ds to like. He is his own person and he just might be the type who will relentlessly go after the most forbidden things!

.

Just emphasizing these down-to-earth, practical posts. If I were you, I'd follow these posters advice.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

OP here again

Well, I'm going to go, but I'm going to ask DH if we can go just for the game and skip the meal. MIL wants everyone there at 1 to eat, I guess the game starts at 3. Just too long of a day and I have some things I want to do.

I'll feed DS before we go so that he's not hungry and I'll bring snacks.

I didn't know the season was ending so soon Just shows how in touch with football I am. I can put up with this for another week or two.

Just as a side note, DS will not be ignored by anyone, but there's just so much a toddler can do in one room for 5 hours. MIL's house is not large so there's really nowhere else TO go w/ DS. But I was thinking of picking up a few new toys and letting him have them when we get there.

I'm just concerned becasue DS LOVES his aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. which of course makes me thrilled, but as such he also imitates them with such determiniation. Screaming at a TV screen is not one of the things I'd like him to pick up. And DS has a memory like a steel trap and he forgets nothing.

I just think football brings out the worst in fans. Yelling, screaming, getting so upset when someone doesn't score. I don't see people acting this way during the world series or golf or whatever else. (Certainly no one does that at horse shows! lol)

But it's family so we'll go. I just wish MIL would have SOMETHING that DS could eat. SO many of you have mentioned costco carries organic items, well then she could pick up a few without havign to make a trip to Whole Foods. Crackers, cheese, something...


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

BarnMama, sounds like you've found a solution that will work for you.

I wanted to tell you that you are not alone in your thoughts. My dh is not American and did not grow up knowing professional sports, especially basketball, baseball, and football. He's a university professor, so his world is academic and not sports. I was/am athletic but have NEVER liked to watch sports. However, at dd's school she is getting a TON of pressure from the teachers to support the local team and I even started a thread about it in Learning at School. So, in a way, I'm facing the same pressure you are, but it's not inside the home, it's at school.

There will be, for every issue, someone who says, "Is that the hill you want to die on". Well, you can't compromise all of your ideals... otherwise you just turn into another mainstream sheeple. I do think that if you don't want to expose your child to the violence, the commercials, the yelling, the anger and everything else that goes with football, you should make a stand about it next year. Yes, die on that hill... and die on every hill you have to in order to raise your child the way YOU want to... not how others want you to.

I also agree about the food. There are many studies that are showing that these highly processed foods are very addictive and that kids' taste buds quickly adapt to wanting only the chemical taste. Once a week for 5 months, IMO, is TOO MUCH exposure to eating crappy, nutritionally void food. I mean, we are a NATURAL Family Living group of people, which means that NATURAL means something to us. It's not something I would compromise on even once. Dd is 8 in a couple of weeks and she's never had McDonald's, soda pop, oreos, etc. We do grill out hamburgers, make fresh lemonade, and make homemade cookies often, though. You don't have to conform to some sort of mainstream culture to enjoy life. That's just ridiculous. And your MIL should respect your feelings about this. It should not offend her.

I think that once you start letting your ideals go, then it becomes a slippery slope and you can let it all slip away because of outside pressures. I'm glad you found a compromise, but don't let the in-laws pressure you into something just for "family time". If they respect you, they'll still have family time WITHOUT spectator sports involved. And if your dh respects you and your son, he'll gladly go by himself if he wants to participate. JMO. Good luck to you!


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## ktmeyer (Jan 13, 2010)

Just throwing out another opinion here...I grew up with my father watching football and it's some of my fondest memories. Actually, when I was very small my nap time often corresponded with game time, so I would fall asleep in my room with the sound of football on in the background. To this day the sound of football and announcers makes me feel safe and, if it's not my team playing, sleepy









I encourage my son to watch with me now, he's older, 10, but I really emphasize the importance of playing by the rules. We talk about how everytime a player commits a penalty he hurts his whole team. That it's always better to follow the rules. We talk about sportsmanship. We talk about how the players that do the most are the ones that work the hardest and pay attention, that use their brains. That even very talented players aren't going to help their team if they don't concentrate on what they are doing, or if they break the rules. I actually prefer football to any other sport mostly because of the team aspect. A baseball player can be good at everything, defense and offense, but in football everyone has a particular role to fill and everyone needs to play their part.

As for the food, I can't imagine an italian family being offended if you brought a dish to share. Maybe some kind of pasta salad you made yourself, or dip and crackers, or whatever. Bring it to share and you are being a good guest, not rude, and your child can eat that mostly. But I agree that the amount of time is WAY too long. I'd say send your husband for the game if he wants, and you just go for the meal with your child, then say he needs a nap or whatever and leave.


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

If you want your DS to have certian things just ask her to keep some on hand. My mom keeps Annies organic mac&cheese and organic crackers for my kids ... I now its not the most fab of foods but its a quick altenative if there isnt anything else they want. I can say mom my cooks mostly from scratch so its odd they dont eat "dinner"








Touchdown was Jacks 2nd word. Hope you can get it worked out but it sounds like your DH is from a football family ( yup we are a different breed LOL)


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

We live in the deep south and college football is a HUGE part of our lives down here. Seriously we have friends that have planned weddings, etc around college football season.

We spend a good part of every Saturday during football hanging out with friends and watching several games. We rotate houses each week and there are usually 3-4 families. The kids run around and play - just this past year ds started getting into watching our team play (ROLL TIDE!) and would watch some of the games. But most of the time is spent playing with other kids. We even took ds to his first game this year and all of us had a GREAT TIME!!

As far as food goes - I honestly don't think some junk every so often is going to hurt anything. And at least at our get togethers there are some healthier options like cut up veggies and hummus, etc. But if ds eats a few potato chips on Saturday during football - I don't care. He eats very well most of the time and a little junk is not going to change that.









I guess I am trying to show the other side of things - football can be a fun tradition with family and friends. I used to care less about football but now really look forward to the season because it's such a fun time for us.


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## 3*is*magic (Sep 13, 2007)

I'd be really sad if my husband didn't make an effort to participate in a tradition that was very important to me and my extended family, even if it wasn't something that he _loved_ to do.

If the game bothers you so much, why not go for the meal and then let DH stay for the game while you bring DS home? That's the part of the day that would involve the most socializing, no? In many families food=love. I think taking off when the games starts can be explained away ("MIL, I love and the family, but I really don't like football. I'm going to take DS home so DH can relax and enjoy with you!") but skipping a family meal might come off as rude and controlling. The advantages of letting your DS eat at his grandmother's house once a week for a few months and enjoy his aunts and uncles far outweigh the damage that some HFCS and hydrogenated fats will do. The way his family eats and celebrates will likely never change. I think you need to find a way to be OK with that.


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## mommajb (Mar 4, 2005)

I really hate the yelling at the tv. As a child I couldn't always understand what was being said or what was going on especially if I was in another room or in bed. I didn't know if was 'in trouble' or what. As an adult I get very confused when I hear it still. It sets off all sorts of internal alarms I don't want to think about. The stress and adrenaline... If I can get that negatively aroused and confused what must happen to a toddler? The food is also an issue I experience in our parents' and some friends' homes but one I have yet to figure out and my children range in age from 2 to 13.

Our family compromise might look something like dh going every other weekend with the rest of us going for about half of those and in two cars so that some of us could leave early if we (I) so chose. I would also make appealling plans for the rest of the day so it was a non-issue.

The family relationships are important but so is living in a way you are comfortable and happy.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

Can someone explain to me what it is that football "stands for"?


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## April Dawn (Oct 31, 2009)

I'm with you on this one, OP. I consider football inappropriate for young kids, mostly due to the violence - it just looks like people slamming each other into the ground - and the horrible commercials. I wouldn't want a toddler watching beer commercials and hooters commercials either! Is there anyone else in the family who doesn't like football, and would MIL be willing to set up a room for hanging out and playing without watching the game? Or can you just arrange a playdate for you and DS apart from the get together? You could even explain it away as wanting to give your DH a break and an afternoon to relax without having to worry about your DS.


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

I agree with *velochic*. Only you know how importan this issue is to you and your family. For me, it would absolutely be a hill to die on-- I feel pretty strongly about these issues. For me, though, the food would be secondary to avoiding the sports (which sounds like the oppposite of how you feel).

One of the reasons I really hate televised sports is because one of my earliest memories is trying to get the attention of my beloved grandmother and being totally ignored (the only time that ever happened) because she was watching basketball. And the only time she ever spanked me was because I turned off the TV while she was watching. So-- not a fan.

Finally, as other posters have said-- nasty Costco food is _not_ traditional Italian food culture.







My DD can eat as many pounds of cheesy pasta as her little heart desires, as long as it's real pasta and real cheese.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3*is*magic* 
I'd be really sad if my husband didn't make an effort to participate in a tradition that was very important to me and my extended family, even if it wasn't something that he _loved_ to do.


IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby. It's like the "girls" getting together once a month to cook together and play bridge or have a book discussion. If your dh is miserable participating in that, would you really expect him to do so just because YOU like it and it's a "tradition" to you?

I'd hope that everyone allows their spouses to express their own opinions and join or not join based on their own personal preference. Hey, if your dh loves to cook and loves bridge, great, but to force him out of his comfort zone just to make you happy? I think that is where the OP is coming from... being forced out of her comfort zone because someone else is pressuring her. She deserves to be heard and respected.


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby.

I completely disagree. "Traditions" can be different things to different people.

I grew up in the deep South where football is extremely popular. The "tradition" of Saturday night football for me had little to do with actually sitting in the stadium watching the game, but rather the comraderie and the get togethers that go along with the games. It is rather something to be out on a gorgeous fall day cooking and sharing food with your friends knowing that 100,000 other people are enjoying the same.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Quote:

IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby.
They are very much a family tradition. Especially college sports (GO BUCKS O H I O!!!). I grew up a passionate Cleveland Indians fan and still remember all the games we went to. I will be passing that on to my son. It may not be a tradition you or the OP thinks is one that should be passed on, but for many families it is a huge part of their lives.

I think she has a lot of good ideas to compromise and that she should compromise. We all have to allow our spouses to do some things we may not be crazy about.

My husband loves to golf. If he had his way he would golf every Saturday and Sunday. I HATE golf-it takes hours and hours so he is away from us and it is expensive as all hell. So we compromise. There are some Sundays when I shoo him out the door and tell him to go nuts. And there are some weekends where he does stuff with us and around the house all weekend because he knows that is what I would like.

I can not and will not insist that my DH and extended family follow a rigid set of rules at the cost of relationships and enjoyment. Everything in life isn't supposed to be good for you.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

.


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## mommajb (Mar 4, 2005)

It cracks me up that the last week of December on MDC was all about too many gifts and now we are back to trying to distract our children with a few new toys. I'm not saying it is all the same posters, I am guilty of it too, I'm just noticing out loud.


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## 3*is*magic (Sep 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby. It's like the "girls" getting together once a month to cook together and play bridge or have a book discussion. If your dh is miserable participating in that, would you really expect him to do so just because YOU like it and it's a "tradition" to you?

I'd hope that everyone allows their spouses to express their own opinions and join or not join based on their own personal preference. Hey, if your dh loves to cook and loves bridge, great, but to force him out of his comfort zone just to make you happy? I think that is where the OP is coming from... being forced out of her comfort zone because someone else is pressuring her. She deserves to be heard and respected.

It was my post that you quoted, but I've never mastered that whole "multi-quote" thing - I need to figure that out







.

I guess I don't think this sounds like "the girls getting together" - it sounds like an important part of the OP's family's personal culture. And it's for a few months each year. I don't even think she needs to stay for the game each and every time. I suggested that she just go for the food part and then take off. It's important to her husband and his family - which, through marriage, is her family, too - and I think she should make the effort to be a part of that even if it's not really her "thing."

If I played bridge every month and it was the type of thing that all my closest friends and their partners and kids did _together_ and my husband refused to go, yeah, my feelings _would_ be hurt. I am happy to step outside my comfort zone when it's important to my husband and his family. I'd expect my husband to do the same for me (and he does.)


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calpurnia* 
Can someone explain to me what it is that football "stands for"?

I was really wondering the same thing. My BIL played college football and now loves to spend a Sunday afternoon with his little boys watching the Bears play on tv.
I also am bot understanding what exactly "Costco food" is - we have shopped at Costco for years and they have a pretty decent selection of fresh fruits and veggies as well as a fair amount of organic food as well. Just because somethig was purchased at a mainstream chain or grocery store and not Whole Foods does not mean it is completely without nutritional value.
Personally, since this is obviously something your husband enjoys with his family, I would go and would bring a few things to distract your son if the game gets too exciting for him. I agree - this is not the hill I would choose to fight my battle on.


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## rhiandmoi (Apr 28, 2006)

My family doesn't do golf, but we do basketball, baseball, football, heck even sometimes tennis. For DH and myself, we mainly do baseball and football, and we really get into it. I have learned though over the years, that explaining to someone why you like to spectate is like trying to explain why you like to breathe. If they don't get it, they just don't get it.

I agree with the PP who said the issue is not football, it's fan behavior. If you don't like spectacle, it is hard to understand how anyone else can. But clearly, many many people do, and it is not just something dumb low rent Americans do. Every culture has it's own form of spectacle.

On the issue about the OP's DH respecting her feelings on this. Dude gave up live tv and junk food at home. I don't know how much more respectful of her feelings he is expected to be. This is clearly a big part of his family of origins way of relating to each other, and dude gave up the majority of that experience with his own son.

Also, word of warning, if your MIL called a special meeting for this weekend, I'm guessing their team is in it. It will be especially boisterous. Whoever wins that game will play in the Superbowl, and that is a Very Big Deal.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Football stands for professionalized violence, glorified on television.

Costco food stands for soul-less Big Box Retailer purveying pre-made items of dubious quality, as opposed to food prepared at home from fresh, local ingredients.

I'm down with the first definition. The second is what I'm reading into some of the comments.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby.

I disagree. There's tons of tradition surrounding football culture. Even if they're not, though, that doesn't make them less important to the people who want to watch them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I'd hope that everyone allows their spouses to express their own opinions and join or not join based on their own personal preference.

I do agree with this, however. When I take this out of the context of football, I have faced a similar experience - still do, really. DH's family all loves sci-fi & fantasy. I don't. I've given it a good try, but I simply don't care for it. When we lived closer to DH's family, we were asked to go every weekend to their house, but in the end, we always sat and watched sci-fi movies.

I stopped going, and we were really honest about it. This was pre-kids, so DH and I just took 2 cars if I wanted to go visit (which I did pretty often). But everyone knew that when the sci-fi marathons started, I'd go find something else to do. It wasn't offensive to everyone. It became a running joke that I was leaving as soon as the TV turned on, but everyone understood when we explained that I just felt bored and disinterested sitting for hours with a movie on that I had no interest in seeing.

If I were you, OP, I'd do that, too. Be there for the social stuff but leave for the football. (I don't know what to say about your son because I don't think it's your call. You and your dh need to come to some mutual decision about what he's watching and when, and it doesn't sound as if you're on the same page now.)

As for food, take a fruit or veggie tray or some snack he likes. There's usually something at every football party that my LOs can eat, so I'm surprised there's absolutely nothing there that you will let them have.

At the very least, you're nearing the end this season, so you have a while to come to some decision about it.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
Football stands for professionalized violence, glorified on television.

Costco food stands for soul-less Big Box Retailer purveying pre-made items of dubious quality, as opposed to food prepared at home from fresh, local ingredients.

I'm down with the first definition. The second is what I'm reading into some of the comments.

Sheesh. I buy organic whole-wheat noodles at Costco. I had no idea they'd be of dubious quality.

As for your comment about football, I think it's a common sentiment among people who don't understand it. Football isn't actually as violent as many other sports that are considered more high-brow. Football is uniquely American because it's about specialization and strategy - two things people in our culture love in many forms. As for what it "stands" for, that depends on the spectator. I watch my alma mater play because I love the university. Pro teams usually represent a kind of community unity, one that many people crave.


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## MissLotus (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
OP here again

Well, I'm going to go, but I'm going to ask DH if we can go just for the game and skip the meal. MIL wants everyone there at 1 to eat, I guess the game starts at 3. Just too long of a day and I have some things I want to do.

I'll feed DS before we go so that he's not hungry and I'll bring snacks.

I didn't know the season was ending so soon Just shows how in touch with football I am. I can put up with this for another week or two.

Just as a side note, DS will not be ignored by anyone, but there's just so much a toddler can do in one room for 5 hours. MIL's house is not large so there's really nowhere else TO go w/ DS. But I was thinking of picking up a few new toys and letting him have them when we get there.

I'm just concerned becasue DS LOVES his aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. which of course makes me thrilled, but as such he also imitates them with such determiniation. Screaming at a TV screen is not one of the things I'd like him to pick up. And DS has a memory like a steel trap and he forgets nothing.

I just think football brings out the worst in fans. Yelling, screaming, getting so upset when someone doesn't score. I don't see people acting this way during the world series or golf or whatever else. (Certainly no one does that at horse shows! lol)

But it's family so we'll go. I just wish MIL would have SOMETHING that DS could eat. SO many of you have mentioned costco carries organic items, well then she could pick up a few without havign to make a trip to Whole Foods. Crackers, cheese, something...


If you're putting in an appearance to show family spirit, I'd do the reverse... go for the meal, but skip the football so you and your son won't be bored. I wouldn't be so concerned about the food. I eat a healthy, vegetarian diet, but even I can usually find something during gatherings. If your son has a healthy diet most of the time, I promise he will not be damaged by Costco crackers.

I hate and despise football too. My ex constantly watches it around our son, and as we are divorced and I have no control over what goes on over there, I've had to let a lot of things go. That "letting go" has been a process as my son gets older, and I still have my moments, naturally. But seriously, you will drive yourself insane if you try to control it all. At the end of the day, if my child is healthy, cheerful, curious about the world and still loves me, that's what matters most. (Let's just not get into the the fact that my ex wanted to sign our son up to PLAY football at age 8.... which did not happen... but comparatively, just watching it seems mild.)

Also, you said, "And FYI, DH agrees with me that DS should not watch TV, he just tries to sneak it when he thinks DS is not watching." The having to "sneak" it part is concerning.... Honestly, if another adult told me what I may or may not watch, I would not be happy with that person. I don't really get the "live TV" restriction, but it seems like you both are not truly on board with the rules. And commercials... I get that they're gross and manipulative - and we mostly watch PBS - they're out there. Ads are on billboards, in magazines... there's no way to avoid it. I think it's more constructive to _deal_ with it differently, simply explain to your child how that stuff works, than to just avoid it, because I promise you that in life, even in childhood away from you, your child will be seeing it _all the time_. If you are not a materialistic household, that will make a far deeper impression on him than being exposed to commercials.

I don't know. As someone with no family within hundreds of miles, I would just say that if overall you love your in-laws and they're good people, then you are *very* blessed and that cracker ingredients are not worth a second thought. If you don't like the football, and I get that, PLUS the fact that your son is too little anyway, then you'll simply have to stand up for yourself and say, "Less often!"


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
Football stands for professionalized violence, glorified on television.

*Costco food stands for soul-less Big Box Retailer purveying pre-made items of dubious quality, as opposed to food prepared at home from fresh, local ingredients.*

I'm down with the first definition. The second is what I'm reading into some of the comments.

I assumed she was referencing more like... the jumbo sized boxed of MSG coated chicken wings, or the caught/battered/colored in China fried shrimp, or the artificially flavored "party rounds." My MIL buys lots of stuff at Sam's, and a lot of what she buys for parties is prepared foods--like, potato skins that have three different artificial food colorings, nitrate-laden bacon, fake cheese, and corn syrup in them. POTATO SKINS.
I assume this is what the OP meant, because she said she was fine with the crackers until she looked at the ingredients.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama1803* 
I completely disagree. "Traditions" can be different things to different people.

I grew up in the deep South where football is extremely popular. The "tradition" of Saturday night football for me had little to do with actually sitting in the stadium watching the game, but rather the comraderie and the get togethers that go along with the games. It is rather something to be out on a gorgeous fall day cooking and sharing food with your friends knowing that 100,000 other people are enjoying the same.

This is very true and outside of the south, I'm not sure people can really "get it" ... I grew up in California and yeah, we liked watching Cal play - had two sisters who went there too - but it's just not the same.

When I first moved back here and opened a bank account the first question I was asked was "Auburn or Alabama"?









It sure is a tradition here, and one that can be really fun at that. I don't like football that much.







: But I LOVE college football Saturdays in the fall - it's about so much more than sports - it's about friends, food and being together.

Even as much as I love our traditions, I do put limits on it. We don't spend ALL day doing it - if there are lots of games on dh wants to watch, he'll go hours before us and ds and I will join later. Sometimes I pack food for ds because I know he'll eat it better & it will be healthy for him. I guess the whole "everything in moderation" theory comes in to play.

I don't expect people to understand just how important of a tradition something like college football can be - but it is very real in some parts of the country. And it can be a great experience, if you are open to it.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MaterPrimaePuellae* 
Only you know how importan this issue is to you and your family. For me, it would absolutely be a hill to die on-- I feel pretty strongly about these issues.

I'm thinking that DH is part of her family.









Dieing on this hill could mean, if not divorce, driving a wedge into her marriage that can then play out in all sorts of insideous ways. So many couples end up just being annoyed with each other all the time and they can't even figure out why after a few years.

Actually, her MIL and everybody else at the game is *family* too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrandiRhoades* 
Football is uniquely American because it's about specialization and strategy - two things people in our culture love in many forms.

yeah, My DH is British and we lived for awhile in Canada. The Brits have their soccer (Go Rangers!) and the Canadians have their hockey, and we have football. It's ours, and since my DH converted to being American, I've listened to him wax poetic about the virtures of American Football.

Quote:

Pro teams usually represent a kind of community unity, one that many people crave.
It's true, and I think a little sad. We have so little sense of community left that the connection of cheering for the same team meets a need for many people.

It's also a comman laguage. My DH is an executive at an aerospace firm and talking about pro-sports is part of what soothes other converstions -- conversations with millionaire customers and shop floor workers. It isn't low brow or high brow -- it's universal.

Dh has a fantasy team in a league with a bunch of old friends who are now spread all over the country. It's a way that guys communicate and stay in touch. They aren't like us. They don't call each other and chat about their feelings!









Not long ago we bumped into an old friend who is from India. The guys just started going on and on about their fantasy teams! Neither of them grew up with American Football, but for many, many men, it's part of being American and living here and loving all things American.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MissLotus* 
I don't know. As someone with no family within hundreds of miles, I would just say that if overall you love your in-laws and they're good people, then you are *very* blessed and that cracker ingredients are not worth a second thought.

Agreed.









My husband's parents are both dead and his siblings are on the other side of an ocean. My family is truly crazy and my kids therefore, don't really have grandparents or aunts and uncles. I think the OPer and her child are very lucky.

I think it great that the OPer is finding a way to save those connections but watch less football for now. (I think her MIL's house every single sunday would drive me nuts too!)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
I didn't know the season was ending so soon Just shows how in touch with football I am. I can put up with this for another week or two.

I find this odd. I'm not a fan of football myself, but my DH likes it. I find it odd that you know so little about something that is fun to your husband and is causing issues between you two. You'all need to talk more!


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## melon (Sep 16, 2008)

do you have a close friend around with kids close to his age?
maybe ask your mil if you can bring a friend, so you have someone to talk non football with, and ds has little people to play with.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I think it is ridiculous that it has to be _*every single weekend*_.

There is nothing wrong with sports, or watching sports. But to expect other people to come to your home at your command, with no regard to their feelings, is wrong. Why *every* weekend?

JMHO.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 

I find this odd. I'm not a fan of football myself, but my DH likes it. I find it odd that you know so little about something that is fun to your husband and is causing issues between you two. You'all need to talk more!









I find this this rather unfair. I live for gardening. Do you expect me to expect my husband to know the names of 30 different types of heirloom tomatoes just because I do? Hardly.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
I find this this rather unfair. I live for gardening. Do you expect me to expect my husband to know the names of 30 different types of heirloom tomatoes just because I do? Hardly.

No, but he probably knows when growing season around. The OP sounded like she had no idea that football season is close to over.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I'm still back on the Costco "meat" thing... IME, the meat Costco sells is generally of higher quality than you'd get at a supermarket. They do a lot more testing than the governent requires before adding a supplier, and you can often find grass-fed beef at my Costco. Not to mention Costco's living wage policy, health care for employees, retirement benefits fo employees, and extremely low turnover.

Football... eh. I can sit through a game and sort of enjoy it as a cultural event, but I'm not really into it... but that doesn't seem like the point. Your husband likes it. Your son is apparently okay with it. I'd bring some knitting or something and be happy that you all have a close, loving family and that they want you around...


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
We usually just do the superbowl thing, but not this year. Every weekend, she's inviting everyone over to watch whatever game is on.

... DH is no healp becasue *an afternoon of junk food and football and his family is his own personal heaven*.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
I find this this rather unfair. I live for gardening. Do you expect me to expect my husband to know the names of 30 different types of heirloom tomatoes just because I do? Hardly.

I find it really odd that someone who:

1. lives with someone who's personal heaven is afternoon of football

2. has watched football every sunday this year with a big group of people

doesn't have a clue where we are in the season. Either of the above would cause *most* people to know.

It's not like knowing 30 varieties of tomatoes, it's knowing the season, where the plants are, etc.

It's REALLY basic.

You might want to talk to your spouse sometime. It's really odd that you don't want to be part of his personal heaven or discuss it with him.


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## sweetpeppers (Dec 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *not now* 
Are there other kids there? Most football gatherings I go to have multiple children involved and while they sometimes stop and watch most of the time they are playing together. The 2.5 year olds that I know aren't zoning out on football if other kids are willing to play with them.

I'm curious about this as well. We have football and other sports on all the time (my dad, brothers, etc.), but my son doesn't watch TV. He'll go in and "socialize", but he doesn't sit down for a three hour game. He wants to play! If there aren't other kids there to play with, I would use that as your excuse, and go to the park with him instead of football. Just say that you don't like football, and your son is too young to care. Your husband can go and enjoy the game, and you guys do something else.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I find it really odd that someone who:

1. lives with someone who's personal heaven is afternoon of football

2. has watched football every sunday this year with a big group of people

doesn't have a clue where we are in the season. Either of the above would cause *most* people to know.

It's not like knowing 30 varieties of tomatoes, it's knowing the season, where the plants are, etc.

It's REALLY basic.

You might want to talk to your spouse sometime. It's really odd that you don't want to be part of his personal heaven or discuss it with him.

Don't be silly, why should any woman endure conversations about something they find boring just to please hubbie? My husband's hobby is reading Charles Dickens, whom I despise. Should I then try to know all the characters in the stories just so that I can understand his passion? SHould I at least know all the titles? That's pretty basic, right?

Instead most healthy marriages communicate about common interests. If it ain't in common I aint interested.

ETA: I have no idea when in the season it is either. Nor do I care, or expect to ever have to care. Thus, I pray that my children never expect me to care either. I put loyalty to a "team" up there with patriotism. I just don't get it. Why must we devote so much time, energy and money to these institutions?? It blows my mind that people are getting up in arms about how much money university professors are making but never question the highest paid job at most colleges: The football coach. Its misplaced allegiance. So, OP I get ya.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I find it really odd that someone who:

1. lives with someone who's personal heaven is afternoon of football

2. has watched football every sunday this year with a big group of people

doesn't have a clue where we are in the season. Either of the above would cause *most* people to know.

It's not like knowing 30 varieties of tomatoes, it's knowing the season, where the plants are, etc.

It's REALLY basic.

You might want to talk to your spouse sometime. It's really odd that you don't want to be part of his personal heaven or discuss it with him.

I think this is really unfair. I'm not a football fan, but most of my family loves it. My daughter and I go "watch" (eat and socialize) football with my parents and family about once a week during the season. I do not understand football. They follow the same teams and I can't name players. I don't understand what's going on...and I don't want to. I'm a former cheerleader and it's just never been my thing. I have zero interest. I know we're nearing the end of the season because the Super Bowl usually happens around this time. That's all I got. I like spending time with my family, but I just don't give two poots about football







I wish I enjoyed something as much as they love football, it looks like fun. It's just not my thing.

My husband's personal passions are comics and computers - also things in which I am not interested. I enjoy things he's not interested in. I see no value in us boring each other to tears over interests we don't share - I DO see the value in each of us having things that are just "ours." Everything doesn't have to be for everyone all the time. Some people need SPACE and TIME to have their own interests and I think that's totally healthy.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I hae only rea the original post so forgive if I repeat or missed updates....

being with his family once a week will not hurt your child. a little bit of junk food, a fe commercials, a little sports nonsense...none of that will hurt him as much as an attitude that says this and tyhat are more important than his family. let it go. let your husband decide. maybe you could have some time to yourself while dh and ds bond over football. let them have this. My kids used to go with my xh to watch football every monday night. it was a huge treat for them and they both loved it. even though once they got to the house they rarely watched the game....they usually played in the kitchen with the wife who was feeding the boys. but it was a special time for everyone.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Don't be silly, why should any woman endure conversations about something they find boring just to please hubbie? My husband's hobby is reading Charles Dickens, whom I despise. Should I then try to know all the characters in the stories just so that I can understand his passion? SHould I at least know all the titles? That's pretty basic, right?.

Honsetly I expect someone who loves me to at least show a little interest in the things I am interested. and to occaisionally indulge me while I prattle on. I listen to my children talk about their interests all the time even when it bores me to literal tears. but hey, it makes them feel loved. and really, its not that hard for me to do. they do the same for me. I would do the same for my husband and I feel a serious lack of love if he didn't do it for me.


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## not now (Mar 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
I find this this rather unfair. I live for gardening. Do you expect me to expect my husband to know the names of 30 different types of heirloom tomatoes just because I do? Hardly.

I don't give a flying leap about football or baseball or the Tour de France but I do know when the Super Bowl (and the Rose Bowl this year), the World Series are and when the tour is nearing the end. Why? Because he loves it. I ask questions because he likes to talk about it and I'm around to listen. I wear my pink Red Sox hat that he gave me because it was a gift, I like pink and he likes the Red Sox. Why not? I also don't know a thing about woodworking but I listen as he explains a saw stop, joiner, ect. It's what he likes. I feel as his partner I should respect his likes (within reason) and at the very least try to understand.

On the flip side he didn't know the difference between circular, DPN and straight knitting needles until he asked and he still doesn't quite get it but he tries. He doesn't "get" my love of vintage Pyrex and table linens but he listens as I drool over pink vintage Pyrex and asks questions.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

OP,

just a thought, perhaps look at it from DH's family's perspective.

I read a lot of judgment in your OP about your DH's family.

Put yourself in your MILs shoes - if you were her, would you be dealing with a DIL who thinks your food isn't good enough for her kid, who thinks your family's interests/hobbies you grew up on and raised your own kids on aren't good enough for your grandchild? Where you are trying to hold big welcoming family gatherings and your DIL is stalking around tense and worried that her child would be harmed just by attending?

Do you really want to be that DIL?

Family - extended family - is really really really important. Unless they are actually toxic, I think it is massively in you DS's interest to allow him bonding time with his family. And let it go - if you go into these events with a chip on your shoulder (which came through in your OP with the comments about football and costco food), he will pick it up, and you will confuse him/make him feel he has to choose.

A warm, welcoming extended family, with grandma there for hugs and kisses, trumps healthy food and commercial free living, IMHO. This doesn't mean you have to go every weekend or even stay for the game or not bring your own food for your DS - but a more generous spirit towards your DH's family will go a long way to building a strong attachment between your son and his family.

Your mileage may vary, but I do think thinking about what a blessing your son has in his father's family needs to be taken seriously into account when figuring out how to handle this situation.

My 2 cents.


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## ktmeyer (Jan 13, 2010)

I was thinking more about this, and realized my hubby and I are kind of in the opposite situation regarding football. I really like it, and he does NOT. Now, to be fair, he enjoys PLAYING a game of say flag football with his friends now and then, but never has enjoyed watching it. Doesn't get it, doesn't know who is who, etc. But he knows I DO like it, so at least every few weeks during the season he will sit down and watch it with me, because he knows I don't like to watch alone. Or he will take me to lunch at a sports bar where I can watch the game. He even bought our soon to be born daughter a Dolphins dress, because he knew I would get a kick out of it.

I really appreciate that, and reciprocrate by watching movies he likes, or listening to him rattle on about technical networking stuff I don't understand.

Katie


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ktmeyer* 
He even bought our soon to be born daughter a Dolphins dress, because he knew I would get a kick out of it.

oh, my heart just got all warm and sqishy







how very very thoughtful of your dh on so many levels.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

I think there are people who watch football and will defend their position and those of us who do not and will defend their position.

I'm wondering, though, if you substituted professional wrestling for football, would everyone still be advocating the same way? Because wrestling is no different than football to me and almost EVERYONE that I know says it's inappropriate for young kids. Even football fans. Yet, how can one say wrestling is not OK, but football is? You have scantily clad women cheering the men on. You have gender bias and sexualization of women. You have a lot of violence. You have strategy, but mostly it's men hitting other men as hard as they can. You have a HUGE fan base (it's the #1 or #2 most queried topic in search engines). It's unique to American culture. So, I have to assume that those that allow football, allow WWF.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhiandmoi* 
I don't think you can prevent your son from getting into sports. I mean, he will know they exist as he gets older, and he will either get into them or not. Plenty of people that grow up in sports centered households don't get into sports and vice versa. Also, for a lot of people, watching a sporting event is a shared cultural experience. Like you always remember what you were doing when you saw that really big play that saved your team, or that call that took them out of the game, or whatever.

I agree. I think it's really controlling to insist that your child has the exact same interests as you, especially since your dh apparently likes football.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 

A warm, welcoming extended family, with grandma there for hugs and kisses, trumps healthy food and commercial free living, IMHO. This doesn't mean you have to go every weekend or even stay for the game or not bring your own food for your DS - but a more generous spirit towards your DH's family will go a long way to building a strong attachment between your son and his family.

Your mileage may vary, but I do think thinking about what a blessing your son has in his father's family needs to be taken seriously into account when figuring out how to handle this situation. .

I agree. Having a loving extended family is a wonderful blessing.


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
I find this this rather unfair. I live for gardening. Do you expect me to expect my husband to know the names of 30 different types of heirloom tomatoes just because I do? Hardly.

I expect my husband to pay attention to my hobbies and be interested in them, because he's interested in ME.

I like knitting. It's my main hobby right now. My husband can tell you the basic fiber types, he knows what basic brands we can buy at Michaels and what yarns we have to go to the small more expensive store to get. He knows the "right" side of stockingette stitch. He can even count rows to help me confirm where I am in a pattern. He's happy to sit with my and surf ravelry to help pick patterns. Does he care about knitting? No... But he cares about me so he's happy to talk with me about knitting and learn stuff.

He likes electronics. Do I care about those? Not really... But, I have fun coming up with ideas for what kinds of things he should create next. I know the basics about how some of his circuit boards work. I've spent many many hours being excited for him when he finally gets some code to work to make the little LEDs light up in a particular way. Am I actually excited about it? Not really, not in a vaccumm. But I love him and I love that he's excited and I enjoy being with him while he does things he enjoys.

If I gardened, which I do in our short summers, I would indeed expect him to have picked up some basic knowledge about the different plants. At the very least I'd expect him to ask me questions and be interested in what I was doing.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
So, I have to assume that those that allow football, allow WWF.









I have fond memories of watching WWF with my now dead Grandmother when I was a little kid


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 
A warm, welcoming extended family, with grandma there for hugs and kisses, trumps healthy food and commercial free living, IMHO. This doesn't mean you have to go every weekend or even stay for the game or not bring your own food for your DS - but a more generous spirit towards your DH's family will go a long way to building a strong attachment between your son and his family.

Take home message!


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

I'm hung up on the "shouting at the TV" and "football as violent" thing. A PP said football brings out the shouting in people...uh, no. I believe the OP is talking about an "Italian" family? Heck, most of my family is half Sicilian, and they get boisterous and shout about SCIENCE and POLITICS. It's not the sport that brings out these characteristics.









ETA: Also, I've watched sports on TV with a number of people, and only a few of them actually shout at the screen.

Also, organized sports aren't my thing unless *I'm* playing, and I don't care to watch sports at all, live or on TV. However, I DO get the sense of community and tradition involved. And anyone who thinks FOOTBALL somehow exclusively brings out violence in people just doesn't pay any attention whatsoever to sporting news around the world (stampedes at soccer games, hockey fan behavior, even baseball fans).







IMO, the football itself is okay with me; I have a bigger problem with the cheerleading.

Anyway, OP, I think you should compromise, like other PPs have suggested. I like the idea of you and DS going to the MEAL (and bring some of your own food if need be, but I don't think it's always necessary) and leaving before or just after the game starts. Maybe you could plan something special for you and DS to do at that time. Also, I agree that you don't have to go EVERY weekend, although at this point, with only three weeks left, I don't see a problem. Just keep in mind for next year that you only have to go once a month!


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Go or don't it really isn't much simpler than that. If you hate it, have DS go with DH and get a break.

FWIW my DH is from a LARGE family all events are loud boisterous events. It doesn't matter if it's Christmas, plain and simple it is just friggin loud when there are 50 people crowded into a house.

Do I agree with everything my IL's do, umm definitely not, but like many other people have said it's about your son and DH having family ties, I think it is a blessing to have a grandma who loves you and makes time for her family, lord knows there are many of us(myself included) who wish that they could have a grandma who actually wants their family around.

I don't like much of what my IL's choose to eat, but it is just one tiny fraction of what my kids eat, at my IL's it candy, candy candy and then add some candy on to that, I just have to moderate the consumption and watch DD, but it is worth the small headache for her to play with her cousins and see what a large loving family is like.

You definitely wouldn't want to be at my house on a Sunday, my DH and I both yell about how bad the Seahawks are, and yet we still get excited for football every year. I went into labor right after one of their games, I joke she was just letting me finish watching.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

This thread is closed pending moderator review.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Reopening.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"I read a lot of judgment in your OP about your DH's family.

Put yourself in your MILs shoes - if you were her, would you be dealing with a DIL who thinks your food isn't good enough for her kid, who thinks your family's interests/hobbies you grew up on and raised your own kids on aren't good enough for your grandchild? Where you are trying to hold big welcoming family gatherings and your DIL is stalking around tense and worried that her child would be harmed just by attending?

Do you really want to be that DIL?

Family - extended family - is really really really important. Unless they are actually toxic, I think it is massively in you DS's interest to allow him bonding time with his family. And let it go - if you go into these events with a chip on your shoulder (which came through in your OP with the comments about football and costco food), he will pick it up, and you will confuse him/make him feel he has to choose.

A warm, welcoming extended family, with grandma there for hugs and kisses, trumps healthy food and commercial free living, IMHO. This doesn't mean you have to go every weekend or even stay for the game or not bring your own food for your DS - but a more generous spirit towards your DH's family will go a long way to building a strong attachment between your son and his family.

Your mileage may vary, but I do think thinking about what a blessing your son has in his father's family needs to be taken seriously into account when figuring out how to handle this situation."










DH's family and I make a lot of very different lifestyle choices, and there is definitely such a thing as too many get-togethers per month, but my kids benefit SO MUCH from their love and involvement. The TV and the HFCS don't even count in comparison to that relationship. It's worth sucking it up on this one, OP. As your ds gets older, you may find that "game time" is a good time for you to go out and garden in peace and bliss!


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
OP here again

Well, I'm going to go, but I'm going to ask DH if we can go just for the game and skip the meal. MIL wants everyone there at 1 to eat, I guess the game starts at 3. Just too long of a day and I have some things I want to do.

I'll feed DS before we go so that he's not hungry and I'll bring snacks.

I didn't know the season was ending so soon Just shows how in touch with football I am. I can put up with this for another week or two.

Just as a side note, DS will not be ignored by anyone, but there's just so much a toddler can do in one room for 5 hours. MIL's house is not large so there's really nowhere else TO go w/ DS. But I was thinking of picking up a few new toys and letting him have them when we get there.

I'm just concerned becasue DS LOVES his aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. which of course makes me thrilled, but as such he also imitates them with such determiniation. Screaming at a TV screen is not one of the things I'd like him to pick up. And DS has a memory like a steel trap and he forgets nothing.

I just think football brings out the worst in fans. Yelling, screaming, getting so upset when someone doesn't score. I don't see people acting this way during the world series or golf or whatever else. (Certainly no one does that at horse shows! lol)

But it's family so we'll go. I just wish MIL would have SOMETHING that DS could eat. SO many of you have mentioned costco carries organic items, well then she could pick up a few without havign to make a trip to Whole Foods. Crackers, cheese, something...

First of all what "type" of person likes football? We are a type?

Also you think football brings out the worst in fans?

http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=77904
http://articles.latimes.com/1989-04-...-english-teams
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-h...Article&id=586
http://www.docsports.com/2008/nba-violence-330.html

and there's many many more.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoestoShow* 

But the people who are saying that football makes the spectators behave violently are bringing up a second issue. ... If anything, I think that football might have one of the lowest incidents of fan-on-fan violence compared to baseball, basketball, and hockey.

I think there is really a third issue then and that is the issue of a spectatorship community. Its not only that the sport is violent, but that the fans feel a need to show allegiance to a team that I find disturbing. Like one previous poster noted, they don't watch football because they enjoy the game as much as they watch it because they want to show love and loyalty to the university they attended. Why? I can honestly say that any love I have for any school I've attended will certainly not be to the institution...maybe to a couple of professors that have strongly influenced me. But to the institution itself? That confounds me.

As I stated in a previous post I find this type of team loyalty akin to patriotism, another thing that I flat out don't understand. Why do people have sucha strong need to be a part of some large, mindless, in-crowd??

I think I must be an introvert







.


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
I think there is really a third issue then and that is the issue of a spectatorship community. Its not only that the sport is violent, but that the fans feel a need to show allegiance to a team that I find disturbing. Like one previous poster noted, they don't watch football because they enjoy the game as much as they watch it because they want to show love and loyalty to the university they attended. Why? I can honestly say that any love I have for any school I've attended will certainly not be to the institution...maybe to a couple of professors that have strongly influenced me. But to the institution itself? That confounds me.

As I stated in a previous post I find this type of team loyalty akin to patriotism, another thing that I flat out don't understand. *Why do people have sucha strong need to be a part of some large, mindless, in-crowd??*

I think I must be an introvert







.

I don't know what to tell you. I have deep love for my university. It was a very important part of my life and helped mold me to the person I am. When my team is out there playing, it's like I'm out there.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 

As I stated in a previous post I find this type of team loyalty akin to patriotism, another thing that I flat out don't understand. Why do people have sucha strong need to be a part of some large, mindless, in-crowd??

I think I must be an introvert







.

Why do you post to MDC?

To hang out with people who like what you like, and maybe believe what you believe, right?

Humans form tribes; it's part of our nature. However we do need to balance that with the need to be compassionate towards those not in our tribes...which leads me to my next point.

OP, you are pretty much behaving like the stereotypical fan here. Your perception is that your in-laws are batting for the opposing team - the violent junk-eating one.

How you handle this situation will teach your children MUCH more about compassion and peace than the games on the television. I think there is lots of room here for all your values. You can quietly and gently say "wow, it bothers me when they hit like that," and go to another area of the house - or stay home for the game part. I think that would be fine, as long as it wasn't manipulative. You can fill your kid up on his favourite healthy food before he goes and let the rest go into the wash.

But at the same time you can appreciate that the people who are different also have love and goodwill there, and soak those moments it. It is not all black & white, either/or.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I have to say from the OP I find the Costco statement to be rather rude. Costco is a very well liked company that provides great employment and quality products. Much of their products are organic and extremely high quality. Sure they have total garbage too, but so do most stores.

I think this really comes down to an IL issue.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I agree it sounds like you have problems with your in-laws.

Football and food from costco? Are they really that bad?

I don't know, I guess, b/c I don't care for football, and don't have a membership to costco. My DH, however, loves football and enjoys watching it. It hasn't been my experience that the kids (3 boys and 1 girl) pay that much attention to the game when it's on, even if they are in the same room and he asks them, "oh, man, did you see that?" so, even if I saw football as overly violent (which I don't, and wouldn't compare it to fake wrestling at all) I doubt I would be concerned about the kids picking up on it, b/c they really don't get the rules of the game, much less watch it more than a few seconds here and there.

I would go because it's important to your DH and your in-laws. Relationships are super important. Football season is about to be over, no? It's really not that big of deal, IMO.

About encouraging or not allowing a child to "get into" football - eh. Like I said, most little ones are not going to pay all that much attention, so early exposure might not necessarily sway them. Plenty of people grow up in football obsessed homes and don't enjoy it themselves. Also, I can't imagine telling a 10 yr old they can't eat an occasional snack from costco, or watch football with their dad/family... I realize your kid is young now, but he may or may not grow to like the sport. At this age, I don't think it's going to harm him, or lead to a love for the game, either. But being with his dad (who does enjoy it) and attend an extended family function, is going to be a positive thing. I understand the yelling at the TV concern, but can't you take him out of the room at that point if it honestly upsets him? Or ask family to keep it down a bit b/c their voices freak the kid out?


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

also be careful what your attitude says to your husband.

He likes football. he likes his family. you are saying both are bad. you are saying they are not good enough for your son. these are the sort of things that chip away at relationships.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Why do people have sucha strong need to be a part of some large, mindless, in-crowd??

I think I must be an introvert







.

That question is older then the coliseum.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
also be careful what your attitude says to your husband.

He likes football. he likes his family. you are saying both are bad. you are saying they are not good enough for your son. these are the sort of things that chip away at relationships.


What about the feelings of his wife?

Just asking.


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## canadiannancy (Feb 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I have fond memories of watching WWF with my now dead Grandmother when I was a little kid










Me too! Although in my case it was my now dead grandpa, my grandma, mom aunts uncles family friends, brothers, a whole huge family affair at big events and weekly "matches" which I have absolutely no interest in now but had a great time cheering then!


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smithie* 

A warm, welcoming extended family, with grandma there for hugs and kisses, trumps healthy food and commercial free living, IMHO. This doesn't mean you have to go every weekend or even stay for the game or not bring your own food for your DS - but a more generous spirit towards your DH's family will go a long way to building a strong attachment between your son and his family.

Your mileage may vary, but I do think thinking about what a blessing your son has in his father's family needs to be taken seriously into account when figuring out how to handle this situation."


I think there is so much wisdom in these words.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
What about the feelings of his wife?

Just asking.

Her husband should also be respectful of her interests and family. He should support her sharing her interests and family traditions with their son, as well.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *canadiannancy* 
Me too! Although in my case it was my now dead grandpa, my grandma, mom aunts uncles family friends, brothers, a whole huge family affair at big events and weekly "matches" which I have absolutely no interest in now but had a great time cheering then!

I have absolutely no interest in it now, either. But I wouldn't trade those afternoons with my (admittedly eccentric) grandmother for an "ideal" childhood without her!


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## WC_hapamama (Sep 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
I find this this rather unfair. I live for gardening. Do you expect me to expect my husband to know the names of 30 different types of heirloom tomatoes just because I do? Hardly.

My DH is a rabid, rabid Cal Berkeley Football fan (NCAA) and an even more rabid San Jose Sharks fan. I at least know when the seasons for both start and end, as well as when the BYE week is in the football season, because that's a Saturday I don't have worry about when the game is and whether we need to be near a TV or radio.


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I think there are people who watch football and will defend their position and those of us who do not and will defend their position.

I'm wondering, though, if you substituted professional wrestling for football, would everyone still be advocating the same way? Because wrestling is no different than football to me and almost EVERYONE that I know says it's inappropriate for young kids. Even football fans. Yet, how can one say wrestling is not OK, but football is? You have scantily clad women cheering the men on. You have gender bias and sexualization of women. You have a lot of violence. You have strategy, but mostly it's men hitting other men as hard as they can. You have a HUGE fan base (it's the #1 or #2 most queried topic in search engines). It's unique to American culture. So, I have to assume that those that allow football, allow WWF.









I think that is an excellent point. My soon-to-be-step-niece spends almost every day with her paternal grandmother, and that grandmother watches wrestling _a lot_. They bought the 3 yo a wrestling figuring for Christmas. I think that is hugely inapprorpriate, and she has already "playfully" put my own 3 yo in a headlock. My perception is that more people interpret wresting as low-brow/violent than football-- but IMO, there's very little difference.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
I *think there is really a third issue then and that is the issue of a spectatorship community. Its not only that the sport is violent, but that the fans feel a need to show allegiance to a team that I find disturbing*. Like one previous poster noted, they don't watch football because they enjoy the game as much as they watch it because they want to show love and loyalty to the university they attended. Why? I can honestly say that any love I have for any school I've attended will certainly not be to the institution...maybe to a couple of professors that have strongly influenced me. But to the institution itself? That confounds me.

As I stated in a previous post I find this type of team loyalty akin to patriotism, another thing that I flat out don't understand. *Why do people have sucha strong need to be a part of some large, mindless, in-crowd??*I think I must be an introvert







.

I totally agree. I actually think this is the worst part. I grew up in South Carolina, so I am definitely familiar with the sports fans down here... and the thing I find the most interesting is how many people feel "allegiance" to schools/teams which they _did not even attend_! As an outsider, I also think that the way advertisers play upon fan's desire for feeling like a "part of the team" is _so_ blatant and obnoxious (You're an X fan! Buy our beer, we're X-fans, too!)-- I don't honestly see how most people don't find it offensive to their intelligence

I attended USC, and I actually feel a lot of antipathy towards the football teams especially (while I was a student, various players were arrested/caught doing super-unpleasant things); furthermore, there was definitely a lot of extra responsibility placed on teachers (I was a TA for a few years) to "help" the sports players.









Finally, Re: supporting spouses' interests. My impression from the OP was that football was something her husband enjoys, but not his life passion. My Dh is passionately interested in antique trucks-- I know a lot about antique trucks. I have spent hours in the cold helping him remove nasty, oily bolts from antique trucks.
However, he also enjoys sci-fi movies and car-driving video games... and I know basically nothing about either of those things. They're not his passions, and I don't care. I assume that the OP is very much involved in other aspects of her Dh's life-- being involved in the sports entertainment that he enjoys does not, IMO, a connected, communicative marriage make.


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## plunky (Aug 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I'm wondering, though, if you substituted professional wrestling for football, would everyone still be advocating the same way? Because wrestling is no different than football to me and almost EVERYONE that I know says it's inappropriate for young kids.

Pretty weak comparison in my mind. Professional wrestling is ONLY a spectacle. It isn't a sport. Those guys are juicing actors who are trained as tumblers. A similarly violent sport to football would be hockey maybe. Boxing and MMA are certainly much more violent than football.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoestoShow* 
I agree.

I also think wrestling, wrestling, real Olympic sport wrestling is very different from, like, the WWF and what not. Yeah, it's kinda violent, but there are established rules and safety protocols and it's not common for someone to get seriously injured in _real_ wrestling.

ITA. Invalid comparison.


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## naismama (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I have fond memories of watching WWF with my now dead Grandmother when I was a little kid









Sunnmama, maybe we are cousins? As I've read this thread I've been thinking about the time I spent with my grandmother watching wrestling (or as she'd say, "rasslin'







). I think I remember the drama much more than the violence


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *plunky* 
Pretty weak comparison in my mind. Professional wrestling is ONLY a spectacle. It isn't a sport. Those guys are juicing actors who are trained as tumblers. A similarly violent sport to football would be hockey maybe. Boxing and MMA are certainly much more violent than football.

I doubt that professional wrestlers and their fans would agree with you, but then professional football players and their fans wouldn't agree with me when I say that it's also a spectacle and a bunch of juiced up men who are trained as tumblers. But you're right, there are other violent sports. And I think that none of them are appropriate for young children, even though some believe they are a part of what some consider American "culture". I prefer to expose my child to the less violent aspects of "culture". Perhaps what has helped shape my opinion is that I wasn't raised in a sports-watching family (although I was a jock) and most certainly TV has nothing to do with any fond memories of growing up. I certainly think the OP can find other ways for her son to bond with the in-laws other than watching violence on TV. I'll just have to agree to disagree with you.


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## ktmeyer (Jan 13, 2010)

Actually the difference seems obvious. In boxing/wrestling the objective is to hurt the other person. In football the objective is to move the ball down the field and score points. Yes, sometimes people get hurt, but not as often as you would think...that's why all the fancy space age padding and protective equipment and RULES limiting how and when you can touch another player.

As for "professional" wrestling, that isn't a sport at all, its a very violent soap opera with predetermined outcomes. They aren't competing, they are following a script. And it is totally not appropriate for small children.

As for hockey, I kind of like that when someone starts a fight they get a "time out" in the penalty box


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *naismama* 
Sunnmama, maybe we are cousins? As I've read this thread I've been thinking about the time I spent with my grandmother watching wrestling (or as she'd say, "rasslin'







). I think I remember the drama much more than the violence









OMG! My gma said "rasslin'" too!









I would totally believe we were cousins, except my dad was an only child







I really just remember the characters. Rowdy Roddy Piper was my favorite, because he wore a kilt









And, yeah, even as a kid, I understood it was scripted. Who doesn't?


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ktmeyer* 
As for hockey, I kind of like that when someone starts a fight they get a "time out" in the penalty box









Hockey is the only pro sport we go to watch on a regular basis, and my kids LOVE it when they play the Pink song "So What."


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I doubt that professional wrestlers and their fans would agree with you, but then professional football players and their fans wouldn't agree with me when I say that it's also a spectacle and a bunch of juiced up men who are trained as tumblers. But you're right, there are other violent sports. And I think that none of them are appropriate for young children, even though some believe they are a part of what some consider American "culture". I prefer to expose my child to the less violent aspects of "culture". Perhaps what has helped shape my opinion is that I wasn't raised in a sports-watching family (although I was a jock) and most certainly TV has nothing to do with any fond memories of growing up. I certainly think the OP can find other ways for her son to bond with the in-laws other than watching violence on TV. I'll just have to agree to disagree with you.

Someone correct me if I'm wrong because I'm certainly NOT a sports fan and have limited knowledge on the topic.









But isn't the point of football to score goals? And yes, sometimes people get hurt but there are rules and regulations in place to help avoid that (holding, roughing the passer, facemask, etc)

The point of wrestling, MMA or boxing is to hurt your opponent. I just don't see how the two can be compared. At all.

Edited to add: I see someone just said the same thing above me. At least I'm not the only one not seeing the comparison.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *not now* 
I don't give a flying leap about football or baseball or the Tour de France but I do know when the Super Bowl (and the Rose Bowl this year), the World Series are and when the tour is nearing the end. Why? Because he loves it. I ask questions because he likes to talk about it and I'm around to listen. I wear my pink Red Sox hat that he gave me because it was a gift, I like pink and he likes the Red Sox. Why not? I also don't know a thing about woodworking but I listen as he explains a saw stop, joiner, ect. It's what he likes. I feel as his partner I should respect his likes (within reason) and at the very least try to understand.

On the flip side he didn't know the difference between circular, DPN and straight knitting needles until he asked and he still doesn't quite get it but he tries. He doesn't "get" my love of vintage Pyrex and table linens but he listens as I drool over pink vintage Pyrex and asks questions.

I agree with this, I know when pitchers and catchers report because it matters to my husband. I don't really care, but it's something that has always been a huge part of his life so I pretend to care









I think it would be a mistake for the OP to skip out on a family event like this all the time. I'm assuming that that she knew what his family was like before they got married. If watching football and eating sub-par food once a week for a few months over the winter is your biggest problem, suck it up. I think that if my inlaws were otherwise decent people (no sloppy drunks, no safety issues, no controling battles, ect) I would have to let my issue with the whole football thing go and make sure that I went to the gatherings so my child could enjoy time with his family. It's not a big deal to bring along some toys or healthy snacks for him if he got bored or hungry. This is only as big as the OP wants it to be. I would highly recommend not turning into a big deal, be thankful that you have a large family that cares enough to invite everyone to visit and spend time together.


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I doubt that professional wrestlers and their fans would agree with you, but then professional football players and their fans wouldn't agree with me when I say that it's also a spectacle and a bunch of juiced up men who are trained as tumblers. But you're right, there are other violent sports. And I think that none of them are appropriate for young children, even though some believe they are a part of what some consider American "culture". I prefer to expose my child to the less violent aspects of "culture". Perhaps what has helped shape my opinion is that I wasn't raised in a sports-watching family (although I was a jock) and most certainly TV has nothing to do with any fond memories of growing up. I certainly think the OP can find other ways for her son to bond with the in-laws other than watching violence on TV. I'll just have to agree to disagree with you.

But surely your family had shared experiences that are important to you.

In thinking about this thread I was thinking about how my mother took us to the ballet - not every week, but we had a season's subscription. My father is, to put it mildly, not a big ballet fan, but he supported that (drove us down and picked us up) and it gave me quite a love of it. I appreciate that he gave both my mother and us kids the room to develop other tastes than his own.

And I know it sounds like a silly comparison, but if the concern is that football turns kids violent isn't that just a little bit like worrying that ballet will make a boy a sissy? When really it's more complex than that.

I keep reading the judgment as a class issue more than anything.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
But surely your family had shared experiences that are important to you.

In thinking about this thread I was thinking about how my mother took us to the ballet - not every week, but we had a season's subscription. My father is, to put it mildly, not a big ballet fan, but he supported that (drove us down and picked us up) and it gave me quite a love of it. *I appreciate that he gave both my mother and us kids the room to develop other tastes than his own.*


Exactly my point. The OP's post indicates that she's feeling pressure to be involved in something she's not comfortable with. The in-laws should give her some room, just like your dad did for you. It sounds like he not only loved you deeply, but respected you deeply as well.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
And I know it sounds like a silly comparison, but if the concern is that football turns kids violent isn't that just a little bit like worrying that ballet will make a boy a sissy? When really it's more complex than that.

I keep reading the judgment as a class issue more than anything.

I don't believe that football "turns kids violent", but little kids often play act what they see on TV. I don't think they are intentionally violent, but it CAN have an impact on behavior as does ANYTHING that a toddler sees and can't quite process fully to realize it's just "play acting" and not something we do to others. It has nothing to do with class, it has to do with what you want your children exposed to at an early, impressionable age. That's all. I've yet to see any young children hurt each other with ballet moves, but I've seen plenty of kids (boys and girls alike) "tackle" each other just like they see on TV.


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## rhiandmoi (Apr 28, 2006)

My brother does not watch sports at all, and only recently started letting his kids watch aggressive themed movies. (They are 7 and in the 2nd grade) Those kids were extremely violent toddlers. So much so that it was a huge issue for their family as far as discipline strategies and parenting style. My SIL is a SAHM and those kids did not interact regularly with other kids so did not learn in it a peer setting. Some kids are just attracted towards violent play. You would think those kids watched MMA all day long the way they played.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MaterPrimaePuellae* 

I attended USC, and I actually feel a lot of antipathy towards the football teams especially (while I was a student, various players were arrested/caught doing super-unpleasant things); furthermore, there was definitely a lot of extra responsibility placed on teachers (I was a TA for a few years) to "help" the sports players.









Holy Crap I had the exact same experience...right down to being a graduate student/TA at USC! I wonder if we know one another







?


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
Exactly my point. The OP's post indicates that she's feeling pressure to be involved in something she's not comfortable with. The in-laws should give her some room, just like your dad did for you. It sounds like he not only loved you deeply, but respected you deeply as well. .

Wait a sec...the op is an adult with room to develop her own tastes. The question is should the op allow her _child_ to be exposed to/develop the tastes of his father and his father's family.

And, yeah, kids don't need to watch football to enjoy rough, tackling play. Don't most toddlers love to tackle an adult? Mine did, and neither watched football (they were occasionally exposed, but never interested). Neither of mine ever tackled another toddler, because I supervised them.


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## Jenifer76 (Apr 20, 2005)

My DS hates sports - either playing them or watching them - but he loves to wrestle with his Dad or Uncle. He'd probably tackle them too if he was a bit more coordinated, LOL.


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## dmpmercury (Mar 31, 2008)

I think wrestling is a fair coparison to football. The OP said that football bothers her and not just because it is boring to her. Some people don't have issues with football but that doesn't mean the people who do should just pretend they don't have issues. We all have different values and things we want our kids exposed to. Some people like to keep their kids from different music that others are fine with. Some people don't want their kids to read Harry Potter and I personally don't see anything wrong with Harry Potter.

I also have issues with professional sports and the marketing during the commercials that is trying to win kids over to drink their brand of beer or soda or unhealthy cereal. I also bothers me how obbsessed people get and how they let a game get to them and their mood so much. Domestic violence goes up during sporting events. I know sports are enjoyed in lots of countries but there is negativity in other sports. Soccor fans in many countries do vile things over a game. I don't like how much players get paid, how kids idoloze them and many aren't good role models and how sports players get worshiped. So many of my old classmates from school the only thing they ever talk about on facebook is what happens in a sports game. I don't like the yelling at the tv screen either.

My husband is obbsessed with sports and so is his family. My own family knows I don't like sports and why and yet my dad tries to talk to me about sports or send sports outfits for my kids.

I let my husband watch the game and I try to make him keep the volume down so it isn't the focus. I have him turn it off if he isn't actively watching. He usually foawrds through the commercials. I think a good compramise for your family could be to go every other weekend and maybe some of those weekends find something else for the kids to do. I know some people mention it is only 5 months but to me that is a long time. It is almost half the year.

As much as I would love to have my kids not be exposed to it I had to compromise and let my husband watch football. If we lived closer to family they would be over when games were played but I would not want it happening every weekend.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I would have a huge problem with taking an entire weekend day every week to hang out at someone else's house while they watch TV. I think the football itself and the food issues are less important than the massive time drain. I'd have to set limits - like one weekend a month. I can't imagine it would be fun for a child that age to be there either, being the only child. I dunno, I think you need to compromise here, and so do your inlaws.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

DH is from a large Italian family. We are expected to be there every Sunday, no excuses other than pre-planned vacations or horrible illness, all year long. Every single Sunday.

Thankfully, MIL prepares food from scratch, being careful to provide a healthy, balanced menu. We often watch sports, but we don't have rules abut that, since the kids are usually playing with their cousins in another room anyways.

Since your son has no other kid cousins to go play with in another room, and since you hate the football, why don't you and he retreat to another room to play? And food to pass is always welcome at my ILs, why not take food you approve of that you know your son will eat, in amounts large enough to share with others? You can always say something like "He's in a picky stage right now, but I know he loves this, so I brought enough for everyone!" Turn on some music to drown out the football party noise and be done with it.

Yeah, it's a pain. Yeah, it's not really your MIL's intent. But if it keeps the peace, it's really only a couple of hours a week.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Quote:

Domestic violence goes up during sporting events.
I really dislike this argument. Domestic violence rates rise when it is hot, during holidays, and per the same study that supposedly found a link between football and dv-especially Thanksgiving (by 22%!!). What these events have in common is alcohol and proximity. It has nothing to do with the sport itself.


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## Rosedotcom (Apr 22, 2003)

You can't make rules for DH about watching TV. He's a grown adult. I hate sports, football included. I don't watch or go to parties. If you don't want to then find something else to do. Take your son out with but it's likely as he get's older he may want to participate in these parties.

I was so greatful that my XH was not into sports, but both our brothers & Dad's are to a certain degree.


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