# if my baby were alive today....



## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

she would be 6 weeks old!
she would be making sounds and maybe trying some tummy time.
i would be taking her out and about for outings now, in the sling.
she would be grabbing for bright toys, laughing at her sister, playing kicking games with her daddy.
makign her preferences known with demading cries.

does anyone else carry a little ghost baby with you?
do you watch them growing up in your mind as the days go by?

i know it is crazy.

i remember after having my dd ellaina and on the morning she turned 6 weeks old tryin gto imagine getting her dressed for day care and myself for work and then dropping her off for the day.
i cried and felt panicky all day just imagining what it migh tbe like to be away from her.

and today on my dd Rain's 6 week birthday (well it would have been if she were still here)
i find myself wondering simular things, trying to picture what it would be liek to participate in a relaity that said the 6 weeks is th emagic number where infants no longer need their mommas and mommas no longer need their infants and go back to business as usual.
excpet, this time...it is ALL in my head....even picturing having her at all...has to be in my head.

anyway...if my baby were alive today she would be 6 weeks old, and today i would have spent EXTRA time kissing her and loving her and smelling her...b/c my most primal mothering self would be thanking the gods that i got to have her, convincing myself that nothing and no one could ever come between us.
knowing that so many mothers were not so lucky.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

...no hun you are not crazy at all. I do this as well...Alexis would be 5 months 3 weeks old. She'd be trying to sit up , babble...all that. I still look at baby clothing when we go to stores...she's probably be in 6-9 month outfits...

its so hard...to think of these things...and know that we'll never see them...







:


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

I could not read this without posting. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a lost a child.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I've tried to picture it, but since she died at 6 months' gestation, I haven't had an exact picture-- would she have been her "real" age or her "adjusted" age, like with preemies? So my ideas of how she would have been now are vague (it's now about a year since her due date). Probably they'll get clearer as the years pass and months make less of a difference in picturing a child's age.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I have several friends on-line and one of them had her baby boy 5 days before I had Isabella, so I am kind of living her life through his. Funny thing is, our middle two are 9 days apart.

Melissa S.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Nope, you're not crazy. I carry a ghost baby too. She's 7years old now in my head and I think about her sometimes when I see 7 year old girls playing. A friend/acquaintance has a daughter born the same day as mine was and she probably thinks I'm wierd that I always remember her daughter's birthday.

I don't get too sad though because I also have a 6 year old boy who is absolutely wonderful and meant to be here. I wouldn't have him if she had lived. Her purpose in this world was to teach me to be a wonderful and caring mother to her three future siblings. I'm a better mother than I ever would have been had she not shown me how precious life really is.

((hugs)) I am so sorry
Lisa


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## EdenicMomma (Dec 10, 2004)

My DD Molly would have been about 7 weeks old now also, so I understand. She was born in June though, at 25 weeks gestation, but my due date was Sept 15...I do the same thing, its all normal mama. We'll always remember our sweeties...Its ok.

I too feel taht Molly gave me such a gift...she let me know how much strength I was made of, although I feel the majority of my strength was from above....and she showed me what my family is made of also, my daughters, my marriage. I have read statistics, a very small % of marraiges last after the death of a child. Ours has become stronger and i feel so fortunate and blessed.

Lisa49, I wnat to thank you for saying taht about your son. I was bawling yesterday because I felt bad that I would be having a new baby a year after Molly was born. That meant without her dying I wouldnt be having this baby and it made me sad. I am so glad to hear that that should ease in time..once I have a this new star in my arms...or at least I hope, I may be m/c as I type this...I've been bleeding tonight...I hope shes ok...







:
I'll keep you all posted.
Goodnight


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## bbaron (Oct 10, 2006)

Well I am glad to see that none of us are crazy.
Baby Baron would be a month old as of the 4th. or 7 weeks on the 8th. Depending on how it is looked at.
Either way, he would slowly start becoming his own person. Last night I bawled at thinking I should be putting him down and starting him on a schedule. I think about his beautiful room, that I can not go in, and how he should be in there looking at the colors and starting to enjoy everything around him. He would start to bond with the dog, that I know would have had his back and thought Baby Baron as his own. He would have layed on the floor next to the crib and made sure that who ever came near his baby was ok with him.
I would start to be excited now at the emotions that he would start to make now. And then I would be all excited that I am the only one that can calm him down. And then he would cry and I would know what that cry meant. Never having a child before Baby Baron, I hear a baby cry and it only sounds like a cry. Not with my son, I would know his cries and what every breath meant. I see him everyday. And hear him everyday. He will always grow in my mind. All the way through the kind of woman I would allow him to marry.
How I miss the ability to watch this anywhere but in my own head.
At least this is normal, and all it means is that we are lucky to have them with us forever.


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

I think about my baby as well, but mine wouldn't be born yet. I would be right at 8 months pregnant now, probably complaining about how tired I am and how uncomfortable I was feeling. I would be sitting back propping my feet up and letting anyone that wanted to feel my belly and the baby kicking inside of it. I would have bought my crib by now and decided on a theme for the nursery. I would have bought that new swing that they have that plugs into the wall instead of running on batteries or winding up. All three of my babies loved their swings and I was so excited when I found out that they came out with this one. I would have went shopping with my husband and bought all those cute baby clothes and picked out the perfect baby bag. I would be thinking about who would watch my other three when I went into labor and thinking about how I would be wanting to get back to them as soon as possible after the birth. I probably would have bought some Baby Magic products by now and lined them all up on the changing table because I always loved the way Baby Magic smells the best. A name would have most definately been chosen by now too.
Instead, I am charting and taking temps and looking at CM and hoping and wishing that this will be the month...


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## mommyofannaisaac (Jun 6, 2006)

I miss my son so much and there is not a day that goes by that i don't wonder what he would be doing. Every morning when I get my almost 2 yr. old ready for the day- I go into Isaac's room and try to decide what I would let him wear if he was here. My babies are usually pretty big so even tho he would only be almost 6 months old he would probably be wearing size9- 12 months. I seem to find myself in his room alot lately. It is all decorated in frogs. The blanket that came with the crib set is really soft and I picture him rubbing his hand over it enjoying the feel of it. I look at his toys and wonder which one would be his favorite. I wonder if he would be teething yet. so many "wonders" yet, no answers. I can't wait to be preg. again. Every month that goes by and that "blessed" period comes makes me so sad. Hoping again this month. last month i was five days late- and since i'm always on time i thought for sure i was preg. - what a disappointment!


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## Lupena (Aug 30, 2006)

Oh, bless all of your beautiful souls, I ache with your losses. You shared each other's beauty, here- for such a short time. Recuperation, hope, that state of being untoubled, must be so difficult to reclaim. I think you imagining your children is beautiful, unimaginably sad & beautful.

My friend just suffered a loss and I feel like I can't breathe, imagining her pain.


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

It's totally normal to imagine your baby as she might be today.

My little 18 month old is very painfully not here. Not pointing at interesting things in the grocery store. Not getting into the crayons and coloring on the walls. Not learning to remove his own clothes or shoes at the most inconvenient times...

I saw a little boy at the store a couple months ago, and he was staring at my rowdy crew, and pointing at my baby girl. My DH asked the mom how old he was, but I already knew. I knew he was just the age of the little boy who was NOT sitting in our cart. I knew he would have been pointing and babbling in just the same cute little way. I must have been feeling superhuman because I looked at him, and talked to him, and let him play peek a boo with the baby... and I didn't even break down until we were in the van on the way home!


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## witt (May 22, 2004)

i'm soo sorry for all of your losses. My close friend lost her baby boy at 25 weeks gestation (still born) and we were due to have our babies at the same time, so when I look at my little one, I remember her little one.

We haven't seen our friend since their baby died.

Hugs to all of you


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

to all.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i imagine coral all the time.
it hurts alot though, to write about it.

this world is a lesser place without her living in it.


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## Nisupulla (Jun 16, 2006)

My baby was due at the end of September, too. I didn't carry nearly as long as you. I found out on Valentine's Day that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.

Grief is an odd thing.
Prayers for you.


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)




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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Thank you sharing mama!









If my babies were alive today, they would be
10 years old
2.5 years old
4 months old

I can only fream of what they would be doing today.


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