# Teen Pregnancy / Reaction



## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

When you find out a teen is pregnant, do you typically congratulate them the way you would an adult?

I remember when I was pregnant people were congratulating me left and right, but I was a little bit older. A friend of my daughter's is coming over tomorrow and I found out she's pregnant. I am wondering if I should congratulate her or say nothing at all.

What do you think?


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## feest (May 25, 2007)

YES!!! i got pregnant when i was 15 and everyone treated it like my life was DOOMED... i wish i would have been congratulated instead of told how my life was over. doesn't matter how old she is she's is still capable of being a wonderful mother and her pregnancy should be treated joyous occasion!


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## Jesskathand (Dec 30, 2007)

I would think if she's keeping the baby, then congratulate her.

I got pregnant when I was 23 and I had a lot of people not sure if they should congratulate me and it made me feel weird. I'm happy about it, so congratulate me!


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## time machine (Jun 11, 2008)

If you are pregnant. That is a good news for you, even if your age is elder. And your friends daughter is pregnant at the same time. In earlier days mother and dayghter's were pregnant at the same time. So nothing is ashamed of...it is you destiny which god has decided earlier for you. So have a positive attitude towards it and be happy.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

If she's planning to continue the pregnancy, then congratulations are in order. If she's planning an abortion, I'm not quite sure how to react, as generally people don't share that information with many people and I've never personally dealt with it. I would think that congrats are in order even if she's planning to have the child adopted after birth- she's still growing a new life inside of her and every new life should be celebrated!

If I hear somebody is pg and don't know their life story or all the details, I'll say congrats.


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## BaMo (Mar 19, 2006)

I'll be honest, no I probably wouldn't be congratulating her nor would I just because she is not have an abortion.


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## thixle (Sep 26, 2007)

I never say congratulations







I always ask "How ya feeling?" or "Are you anxious?" some such...


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Absolutely. She may end up having an abortion but if she has told people she is pregnant then I would congratulate her on her current pregnant state.


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## lachingona1 (May 16, 2007)

I would ask how are you feeling!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I'd just say congratulations. I'm guessing you don't really know how she feels since you don't know what to say. So sincere congratulations is the approprate response. She can let you know otherwise if she wants to.


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## granola_mom (Jun 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BaMo* 
I'll be honest, no I probably wouldn't be congratulating her nor would I just because she is not have an abortion.

Why not?

I would DEFINITELY congratulate her if she is keeping the babe. I got pregnant as a teen, and to me it seems rude NOT to congratulate an expectant mom, no matter what age they are... they are still an individual with feelings!

Depending on circumstances, and how well you know her, you may want to add something like ask how it's going for her. If she is adopting, she may not want to be congratulated but rather maybe you could talk to her about the potential adoptive family, etc. I know when I was considering adoption, I wouldn't have really wanted people to say congrats to me... it would just feel bad, because I wasnt really celebrating yk? I would have felt a bit offended and sad. But I would have welcomed people asking me about how the process is going.


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## papercranegirl (Jun 27, 2006)

"Oh what an exciting time! How's everything progressing?"

It covers whatever option the girl is choosing , is supportive, and allows her the opportunity to talk about whatever is on her mind. Save the congratulations until after the delivery when _every_ mother deserves it.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I like Papercranegirl's answer. The etiquette maven in me says you should congratulate her, but she may be in a very difficult situation, practically and emotionally, and congratulations might feel odd to her at this point. I think you can't go wrong by being positive and interested.


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

I would definitely say Congratulations. If you're warm and supportive then if she wants or needs to, she'll tell you more details about how she's feeling. Or you can say congratulations and then ask how she's feeling, because it gives her the option of replying with physical feelings or emotions.

I was 24 and in my last year of professional school when pregnant. When I told one of my professors, he looked at me and asked, "Is this a good thing?" I was both surprised and embarrassed. I flushed but responded with a big smile, "Of course!" Seems ridiculous that he asked the question - 24, married, owned a home, in my last year of school in a profession that is typically lucrative . . . but the point is that really IMO the only way to respond, unless you already know someone has chosen abortion, is with congrats. I think especially teen moms need to hear that, since there's so much judgment out there and their own families may not be supportive.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

My first child was unplanned. I was in my early 20s. My husband was excited beyond belief, but I was working on my DVM (Doctorate of Veterinary Medicine) at the time. The first people I told were my friends who were also vet students. Everyone had pretty much the same reaction, "You can't take our schedule and have a kid!" My instructors told me that I couldn't do the labs while pregnant so I would have to take time off. After an appeal, I manage to get that lifted, but I did end up dropping out due to pregnancy related complications.

After my friends and instructors, I was feeling REALLY down in the dumps. I told a couple of people I worked with and this one old lady said to me, "Congratulations!" I had heard so much negativity that I was considering abortion despite my husband's wishes. That one word made me feel so wonderful. It was so unexpected. Then as my pregnancy progressed I heard more and more congratulations!

When I told my parents, my dad just looked at me and said, "shit!" My mom said, "So, what do you plan on doing now," (meaning abortion or having the baby). After I said, "Have the baby." Mom let it soak in for a while, but she later congratulated me also.

I will never forget my parent's reaction. It hurt really badly, but in mom's defense I had prior to this that I never wanted to have children. Ever. Dad's reaction was the most painful, but he later became a pretty good granddad.

The thing I will remember most is the first little old lady who said, "Congratulations!" I remember saying, "What?" and explaining how I had less than two years before becoming a doctor and how this completely derailed my plans. She said to me, "Being a mother is the hardest and best job you will ever have. Every child is a blessing. My husband and I never had children, but we spent our entire lives wanting one." She was right. I never did finish my DVM, but I do have some wonderful children.

I just wonder if I should tell a teenager Congratulations. Most of me says YES, but then I wonder what message that will send my daughter since I am always on her about taking her pill AND using condoms. I don't want her to realize what a blessing children are just yet! I worry she might be like, "Damn, maybe I should have a baby!"


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papercranegirl* 
"Oh what an exciting time! How's everything progressing?"

It covers whatever option the girl is choosing , is supportive, and allows her the opportunity to talk about whatever is on her mind. Save the congratulations until after the delivery when _every_ mother deserves it.


I say basically the same when it comes up with ANY pregnancy. Congratulations seems too cheesy like great, you had sex and won a trophy


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *feest* 
YES!!! i got pregnant when i was 15 and everyone treated it like my life was DOOMED... i wish i would have been congratulated instead of told how my life was over. doesn't matter how old she is she's is still capable of being a wonderful mother and her pregnancy should be treated joyous occasion!









:

I was 16 when I got pg with dd#1. I really wish someone would've said Congrats or been supportive.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *BaMo* 
I'll be honest, no I probably wouldn't be congratulating her nor would I just because she is not have an abortion.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

I lurk a lot in the "really young mamas" thread... as my dd was 16 when she had my dgs and I was only 21 when I had her ... and the resounding consensus there is that young mom's want to be congratulated. They get so sick of that 'aw poor baby" or "oh no now what?" attitude they get from everybody.. like they have contracted some sort of disease.. and really that makes a lot of sense.

And as far as your dd goes... I was looking forward to having children from the time I was a child ... I didn't until I was 21 .. on the other hand my dd did not plan on having kids for a long long time.. if ever .. and now she's a 19 yo seasoned mom ... so there you go. whether she is looking forward to it or not .. she will do it when she does it


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I'd absolutely say congratulations!


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## Swandira (Jun 26, 2005)

I think offering congratulations is fine, and inquiring after how she feels is also very appropriate. Even if she chooses not to have the baby or keep it, it's nice for you to be supportive and nonjudgmental to her, and almost all pregnant women enjoy the opportunity to complain of their symptoms.









Nealy
Mama to T, 5; L, 2; and EDD 12/20/08







:







:


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

Yes. I think the negative attitudes towards pregnant teens (or even young women, who perhaps look like teens) is despicable. Having a baby changes your life, no matter what age you are - it does not 'ruin' it. I feel very strongly about this. And a young person is not any less capable of being a mother than an older one.

I am always positive about women's pregnancies. I certainly don't gush or rub their bellies, but I am always interested to hear about it and wish them the best.

And I never tell horror stories about pregnancy and birth experiences!


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I would congratulate her. She's probably scared and dealing with negativity. A congratulations could help her see past all of that. If she is considering abortion or adoption, maybe she would decide things differently if somebody gave her some encouragement.

Lisa


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
I just wonder if I should tell a teenager Congratulations. Most of me says YES, but then I wonder what message that will send my daughter since I am always on her about taking her pill AND using condoms. I don't want her to realize what a blessing children are just yet! I worry she might be like, "Damn, maybe I should have a baby!"

I think it will send the message that every child is a blessing and every expectant mom deserves respect, support, and a positive outlook. It's modeling how she should treat her friends and aquantances. There's plenty of opportunity (when not in the presence of the pg friend) to talk about why it's a bad idea for her to get pg right now.


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## FondestBianca (May 9, 2008)

Just wanted to chime in here. I got pregnant at 20 and although that isn't "teens" strangers always assumed I was much younger than I was. Honestly, I got REALLY tired of dirty looks from people (especially elderly ladies and girls my own age). Having a stranger say something like, "you look great!" or "how do you feel (about physical things... not emotional as that isn't anyone else's business)", or "how exciting!" etc really made my day. I was happy about being pregnant, my family was happy, my friends were happy, so why did strangers and aquaintences seem to have so muc htrouble stomaching it???

Saying congrats isn't nearly the same as saying, "hey, good job not using protection" or something of the like so even if you are somewhat apposed to the person's decisions that doesn't have to effect the way you treat them. However, not saying anything IS almost like saying, "way to screw up your life little girl." to a young person who is already getting tons of harsh words and negitivity in their daily life.

Besides, young moms can be good moms. She is pregnant, it is done, help her to be happy and confident about her ability to be a good mom.









The fact that you're asking probably already means your thinking about her feelings and well being so I assume you're on the right track.


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## bellymama (Apr 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
When you find out a teen is pregnant, do you typically congratulate them the way you would an adult?

I remember when I was pregnant people were congratulating me left and right, but I was a little bit older. A friend of my daughter's is coming over tomorrow and I found out she's pregnant. I am wondering if I should congratulate her or say nothing at all.

What do you think?

congratulate her of course.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

My first thought was to wonder how she'd feel knowing that people were discussing her pregnancy- and lets face it, a huge number of her classmates probably are gossiping about it. I'd be gentle, whatever you decide to say.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Every year as a high school teacher I have 2-5 kids come tell me, "I'm pregnant." I always blink a few times before responding. I generally say, "That's some big news. How're you feeling?" I've had students choose every option from the list. I always make sure to let the kidlets know that I support them 100% no matter what their decision.

It doesn't mean your life is ending to have a child when you are a teenager. It just means that some things will be harder. I don't just say, "Congratulations" because most of the time when kids come talk to me about their pregnancy they are very upset and confused. I do my best to be supportive while staying neutral on judging the situation. It really isn't my place to influence a kid into thinking that having a kid would be a great idea. Neither is it my place to suggest that pregnancy is awful. It's a tightrope.


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## xixstar (Aug 15, 2007)

Another voice chiming in that a positive response is a great option, whether it is congrats or the "oh, exciting news!" -- I was also a teen mom and got very little, maybe none even, positive feedback. Thats a difficult situation to be in, especially when you're planning to keep the child - because you are exciting about the life coming into the world, even if the circumstances aren't perfect.


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

I would say congratulations and gently ask how she's feeling. A mother is mother, no matter what age, and young mothers deserve the same level of respect and courtesy as older mothers do. It really makes me sick to think that some people actually feel as if they have the right to give young-looking mothers a cold look, or a make dirty comments, and that some feel as if they don't have to be as polite simply because of their ages.


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

Absolutely! Mothers need support and love no matter how old they are. Quite possibly many people in the teens life are going to be negative about it. No one gets negativity from me!!


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## anjelika (May 16, 2004)

Say congrats and celebrate this new life!


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## bellymama (Apr 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kittywitty* 







:

I was 16 when I got pg with dd#1. I really wish someone would've said Congrats or been supportive.









that sucks.

here is a cool website for young moms:
http://www.girl-mom.com/


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

I guess it depends on the type of relationship you have with the girl more than anything. I certainly wouldn't put someone down for being pregnant with a little blessing at any age so depending on our closeness I would likely tell her how happy I am for her and that I am there for her if she needs anything.







I'd definitely want to offer my help.

I used to volunteer for an organization that helped teen moms, some were as young as 12 yrs old. Some of these girls were horrible, horrible moms but without that organization they wouldn't have had the help they needed because their own mom or dad wouldn't help them. They had no good role models themselves. I was glad to be able to help the girls that I did help. I was a single mom at the age of 26 so I was much older but I know how hard it was for ME. I can only imagine being 15 and pregnant and how much support they need.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anjelika* 
Say congrats and celebrate this new life!









Amen to that! And, like others, I'd also ask how she's feeling, just as I'd ask any other expectant mama.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I would take my cue from the young woman. If she said, "I'm pregnant!" obviously excited and planning to keep it," I would congratulate her.

If it were more "I'm pregnant." in a tone of dread and anguish or even plain old ambivalence then, like rightkindofme, I might say "Wow, that's big news - how are you feeling about it?


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
I would take my cue from the young woman. If she said, "I'm pregnant!" obviously excited and planning to keep it," I would congratulate her.

If it were more "I'm pregnant." in a tone of dread and anguish or even plain old ambivalence then, like rightkindofme, I might say "Wow, that's big news - how are you feeling about it?

I think this is a good idea also.


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## hattelatte (Aug 18, 2007)

I got pregnant when I was 20 years old - not quite a teen but not stable and mature, either.

When I tearfully told my Mom, she gave me a big hug and a heartfelt "Congratulations, Honey"
I think she was truly as scared as I was, but she wanted to let me know that it was going to be OK.
She knew we had chosen to remain pregnant, or we wouldn't have told her at all.

It really did help, hearing those words. So many people doubted that we would make good parents.
My man's Mom yelled at us like naughty children.
But my Mom believed, and it helped us believe.

We are still together, and our 13 year old is amazing.


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## fresh_water (Feb 29, 2008)

I used to work with pregnant and parenting teens. When one confided in me that she had just found out she was pregnant, and her daughter was only 4 months old, I looked at her and said "How are you feeling about that?" She was homeless, trying to finish her high school eduation, and had just gotten back to work. She thought about it, and said "You know, I think I'm happy. I'm shocked. I wanted more kids, just not now." I told her congratulations, and reminded her that I was going to be there for her through her whole pregnancy if she needed anything. That seemed to ease her mind, and we went on. Her pregnancy progressed, everyone was excited for her, she was excited, as was her boyfriend and their families, and we helped her welcome a healthy baby boy into the world that spring. I think it is just as important to congratulate teens on their pregnancy, because they will be mothers soon, and need to feel that people still love them and will support them, even if they have made a choice you don't agree with.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

I took the advice offered here. I started asking how she was feeling. After she sounded a little excited I launched into a Congratulations. I think it worked out pretty good.


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
I took the advice offered here. I started asking how she was feeling. After she sounded a little excited I launched into a Congratulations. I think it worked out pretty good.

That's great!! You never know, you could have made all the difference for her. Sometimes a kind word is all takes.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I think "Congratulations" sounds cheesy too.

I like "How are you feeling?" a lot better.

Maybe later ask "Do you need anything?"


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

Definitely say congrats. Even when I was 22 and preggers with DS1 people acted like it was the end of the blinkin' world on occasion. Heck, I was 26 with this last pregnancy and had one person say upon finding out, "Oh my, was it planned?" Dude, I'm married and I have a 4 1/2 year old, it's planned.


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hattelatte* 
I got pregnant when I was 20 years old - not quite a teen but not stable and mature, either.

When I tearfully told my Mom, she gave me a big hug and a heartfelt "Congratulations, Honey"
I think she was truly as scared as I was, but she wanted to let me know that it was going to be OK.
She knew we had chosen to remain pregnant, or we wouldn't have told her at all.

It really did help, hearing those words. So many people doubted that we would make good parents.
My man's Mom yelled at us like naughty children.
But my Mom believed, and it helped us believe.

We are still together, and our 13 year old is amazing.

What a wonderful mum you have I wish mine had said/done the same, unfortunately when I told her she asked me how I could have been so silly!!! I miscarried with my baby and she said that it was for the best! I'm still with my husband who was my boyfriend at the time but her words couldn't have hurt me more.

I'd congratulate her, give her support and love as pps have mentioned, this is an important time in her life where she needs all the positivity possible.


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## mamato3cherubs (Nov 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
I took the advice offered here. I started asking how she was feeling. After she sounded a little excited I launched into a Congratulations. I think it worked out pretty good.

Oh good! I was 16, and yes, although not planned, summer before my senior year of highschool as well as my second year at college, I knew my life just took a MAJOR turn, I felt blessed, excited, and embarrassed all at the same time.
Congradulations was the best word i ever heard!


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## boatswainwife (Mar 26, 2008)

I think I would ask how she's feeling and get a feel for her situation. Then depending on her answer give her my Congrats.


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## newfiemomma (Mar 27, 2008)

I was 18 and pregnant, and I really don't remember any congrats. I got weird looks....kinda like the ones I get now when people see that I'm pregnant and say "Oh is this your first?" and I say "No, its my third." I'm 29, married, work full time and own my own house and still it shocks people that I can have 3 kids. Go figure. I congratulate all mommies to be, it may not be the ideal situation for them at the time, but its a baby, and all babies should be celebrated!!


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *feest* 
YES!!! i got pregnant when i was 15 and everyone treated it like my life was DOOMED... i wish i would have been congratulated instead of told how my life was over. doesn't matter how old she is she's is still capable of being a wonderful mother and her pregnancy should be treated joyous occasion!

IA. I was 20-21 when I was preggo, and people acted as if I had somehow been cursed and my life was over. Y'know, it's one thing to be realistic and realize a baby may complicate things, but the whole your life is over cuz you had a kid young attitude is a bit much for me.

It's like if you have a child before a certain age, you don't have to right to be happy.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhubarbarin* 
And a young person is not any less capable of being a mother than an older one.

I disagree with you. I think being a mother is the hardest thing we do in our lives, and I don't think that the average 14 or 15 year old girl necessarily has the patience, maturity, life experience, emotional and financial resources to mother to the same level of capability of your average 25 or 30 year old. Are there teen moms who do an outstanding job - sure! But in general, there is a reason why we wait past childhood to become mothers.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhubarbarin*
I am always positive about women's pregnancies.

That stuck out to me - as the OP was talking about a child's pregnancy, not a woman's.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rightkindofme* 
Every year as a high school teacher I have 2-5 kids come tell me, "I'm pregnant." I always blink a few times before responding. I generally say, "That's some big news. How're you feeling?" I don't just say, "Congratulations" because most of the time when kids come talk to me about their pregnancy they are very upset and confused. I do my best to be supportive while staying neutral on judging the situation. It really isn't my place to influence a kid into thinking that having a kid would be a great idea. Neither is it my place to suggest that pregnancy is awful. It's a tightrope.

This is a really impressive stance to take, and I am glad that you are working with teens. They need more people like you.

To answer the OP's question - no, I don't congratulate middle school or high school kids who become pregnant. I think you can be supportive without congratulating her.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

I got pregnant at 18 and I would have loved for someone to congratulate me. Or even give me a hug and tell me I was going to be a great Mom. Any words of encouragement or support would have been welcome. Being treated like a giant disappointment is awful.

I had my second child at 28 and am pregnant with my third at 31 and neither of those younger children are any more important or more loved than the son I birthed at 18.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Wow! As a teen mom I LOVE this thread!









I got PG at 17 and got a lot of crap. I had my 3rd at 21 and still get a lot of crap. But we are happy! We are family! We love each other! We try and ignore the ageism in our society. I will say though that when someone shows happiness for us and views our lives and children as a blessing and takes a minute just to be nice it makes my day like this thread has.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
I disagree with you. I think being a mother is the hardest thing we do in our lives, and I don't think that the average 14 or 15 year old girl necessarily has the patience, maturity, life experience, emotional and financial resources to mother to the same level of capability of your average 25 or 30 year old. Are there teen moms who do an outstanding job - sure! But in general, there is a reason why we wait past childhood to become mothers.

Yet not so long ago having children so young was the norm. This is societies fault not a numbers. Teen moms are just as capable and will do just as well given the chance. But when we devalue them by labeling them children and having the attitude that "more than likely" they will fail we are setting up for disaster. I know plenty of immature 30 year olds. As a matter of fact most the moms I know teen and not were matured by motherhood. "Stability" and "maturity" and very relative and waiting for them in order to have children can take well into one's 50s







I would say in general teen moms succeed when we look at more societies than our own and at different times. We're the ones shooting them in the back when we make statements like the above.

Quote:

That stuck out to me - as the OP was talking about a child's pregnancy, not a woman's.
Keep in mind that we are not talking about children. We are talking about young women who are closer to being adults then childhood.

Quote:

To answer the OP's question - no, I don't congratulate middle school or high school kids who become pregnant. I think you can be supportive without congratulating her.
If you believe in being supportive then why not congratulate her? I'm a little lost on that.


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## LilMama23 (Jul 8, 2005)

Absolutely!







I got pregnant at 18 and I wish more people would have congratulated me instead of acting like my life was over - because it definitely wasn't.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
I disagree with you. I think being a mother is the hardest thing we do in our lives, and I don't think that the average 14 or 15 year old girl necessarily has the patience, maturity, life experience, emotional and financial resources to mother to the same level of capability of your average 25 or 30 year old. Are there teen moms who do an outstanding job - sure! But in general, there is a reason why we wait past childhood to become mothers.

.

I was going to come in here and say being a young mom used to be a norm but Magstphil beat me to it.









Kinda off topic-
In my area there are these "Teen pregnancy is not cute" billboards featuring pregnant bellies. Everytime I see one I want to cringe. I find it hard not to see something beautiful in a pregnant belly.

Oh yes and not to mention having a first babe at 15-21 is biologically the norm. *nods*


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## StoriesInTheSoil (May 8, 2008)

I'm 20 years old, unmarried but with a wonderful partner, and 34 weeks pregnant. I got pregnant less than a month after turning 20.

When DP and I started telling people we were pregnant, we got a lot of "woah, what're you going to do?" and "have you told your parents?" kind of replies. At the point when we were telling people, I was 12+ weeks and our parents had known since I was 4 and a half weeks and were keeping mum at our request (my fear of m/c.)

When I went to the WIC office, almost every person I talked to congratulated me right off the bat. At church, the women were all so excited and asked me how I was feeling ALL the time! It made me much less depressed and much more excited about everything.

I'm so glad you (OP) took the advise of the women on here and were kind and supportive of your DD's friend. I hate it when people just ignore the issue, I know that not everyone approves because we aren't married and we're quite young but we made this decision. No, the baby wasn't planned but I don't deserve to hear "did you PLAN this," "do you know who the father is?" (of course I do, I've had ONE sexual partner in my life!) or "well, are you at least getting married before the baby is born?"

Every woman who is having a baby deserves to be supported, loved, and congratulated.


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## jazzybaby9 (Feb 27, 2007)

I was 18 when I found out I was prego and LOVED when people said congratulations! It made me feel feel good about it and reassured me I was doing the right thing


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## phreedom (Apr 19, 2007)

"Congrats" does seem a little cheesy. Especially if this isn't exactly what the expectant mother had in mind. Some people tend to gloss over the fact that the mother may be feeling afraid and overwhelmed and less than thrilled right now.

That being said, I don't think it is appropriate to launch into a tirade or treat it as some great tragedy. What's done is done and what she needs now is support. Parenthood is hard, but good support makes all the difference in the world.

I try to acknowledge the mothers feelings first then go from there.


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## acory23 (May 20, 2008)

I got pregnant when I was 16. it was a diffucult situation as my daughter was concieved by date rape. I was confused and afraid. My parents, teachers, friends parents all treated me like I was infected with the plague. But one day a friend's mother congratulated me. My mother wasnt thrilled but it made me feel like not giving up. I am glad I did not give up because 9 years later, I have an AMAZING daughter who is exactly like me and was the biggest blessing i could have ever been given. If not for my daughter coming along when she did I would have kept being an irrisponsible teen. I would have been using drugs and getting in trouble. So by all means congratulate her. Its hard enough to be pregnant, especially if you are a teenager.. but if ONE even if only ONE person shows support it can make a world of difference!


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

My brother was 17 and his girlfriend 16 when she became pregnant. Privately I told my brother how extremely disappointed I was with him because I had just given him the "talk" about using protection. It was rather devastating news for both families and I could not bring myself to say "Congratulations" because it was simply inappropriate given the circumstances.

I did however make sure that they both knew that I was very supportive and very happy to be an Aunt for the first time.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

I would tell her Congrats.

I got pregnant with my daughter at 20, she was very much a planned pregnancy and i wasn't married to her father yet but everyone was happy for us. We had been together over 2yrs and ended up getting married when she was 8months old.


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## zech13_9_goforgold (Jun 24, 2008)

I understand how many of you are feeling. I got married at 20 and got pregnant with our first soon after. I had an ectoptic pregnancy and lost the child, and a tube. We have had trouble getting pregnant ever since. When I tried to talk to my OB-GYN about it, she said I was too young to be worried about it. I don't get it. Why should she care? I want to have a baby- it doesn't matter if she thinks I'm too young. I'm now 23. I'm so frustrated!


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

I'm young and married. We tried hard for this baby. I told two coworkers (oops, mistake lol







) and the next day at work I was plagued with people coming up to me to console me....as if I had announced I had stage IV cancer or something.

When I told my manager, she looked at me with a frown and said, "Oh, you poor thing! I'm so sorry!"

lmao I didn't even have a response for her, just one of those blank looks.

Pregnancy is a disease in our culture.


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## kijip (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
I would take my cue from the young woman. If she said, "I'm pregnant!" obviously excited and planning to keep it," I would congratulate her.

If it were more "I'm pregnant." in a tone of dread and anguish or even plain old ambivalence then, like rightkindofme, I might say "Wow, that's big news - how are you feeling about it?

This is how I handle ALL pregnancies, regardless of age. I have friends of all ages with unexpected pregnancies where congratulations did not seem in order until they were excited about it themselves.


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## lovbeingamommy (Jun 17, 2007)

I would definitely congratulate her. IMO pregnancy is a wonderful gift and needs to be celebrated


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## DocsNemesis (Dec 10, 2005)

Absolutely. I was 17 when I got pregnant (one night fling thing and we used protection....he's in that 1% failure catagory, lol) and I never thought twice about keeping him. I'd always wanted a baby anyway!







So the circumstances werent ideal but I was taking responsibility for my actions, my choices, and no one should've been treating me like crap-yet they did. My moms reaction was the worst, I was grinning ear to ear after my ultrasound and she just kept looking at me like I was a leper.

If she's told people she's expecting, she probably isnt getting an abortion. As for whether she's keeping the baby or not, who knows, but she should still be made to feel good about whats going on. It doesnt help ANYONE to be made to feel like crap over something thats already happened.

My ds is 8 now and I've had to deal with a lot over the years-he's had epilepsy from birth, ADHD, and also has early onset bipolar. Getting him taken care of properly took a lot of work on both of our parts. But I wouldnt change a thing, he's my little dude









Just because shes a teenager doesnt mean she's going to be a horrible parent or any such nonsense. Yeah, I spent a year on welfare (I got a whopping $240 a month for the two of us to live off of) while I finished high school and started college. Yeah I got food stamps. Then I started working two jobs and havent been on public assistance since. Now I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful dh who works full time and I can stay home with my kids (I met him when my ds was 18 months old and we're having our 4th here soon! As you can see, I love kids, lol).

I know this is overboard for the question, but I just wanted to say, she deserves some lovin from whoever she can get it from. There's already too much negativity out there for pregnant teens.

(PS I also happened to have a couple of other teen mom friends, one of which was only 14 when she got pregnant, and they were all awsome parents-better than some of the *mature adult* parents I've met)


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## AlpineMama (Aug 16, 2007)

I would absolutely say congratulations.


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## sarabethsmommy (Jun 24, 2008)

I remember when i found out i was pregnant, my mom thought it was not only the "end of my life" but the end of HER life! I was so depressed. When one women came up to me to tell me congrats and that she would support me if i ever needed someone to confide in i thought "at least i have someone". I believed in hope again. No matter what, even if she does consider abortion (please all pro life believers i don't want to offend you) support her emotional status, giving her support might help her, even change her mind if she wants an abortion. Just to hear that there is SOMEONE out there willing to listen and be on her side might change everything. I know it did for me.







:


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## sfgbmama (May 14, 2008)

Hi--

well, I have a little different take on it so please take it for what it's worth. Unless you know how the young woman is feeling, I think showing pity or congratulations labels how she should feel according to how you present your comments. How about asking how she is doing or feeling? If you say so with a pleasant smile and say you hear that there are some big changes in her life, she may be able to open up and give you the information you need to be supportive. I taught high school long ago and remember how teens can have very conflicted feelings and gauge how they should feel about things by how others react to them. Letting her be in the driver's seat is perhaps more empowering than having others tell her how she should feel about her situation (i.e., with showing pity or scorn or even congrats). You could even become the adult advocate that she needs in going forward--- someone who won't judge her or mold her decisions for her. I think it is highly commendable that you are sensitive to her needs. Best of luck!


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## Kathryn B (Jan 23, 2007)

I think it is interesting that so many of those who say they would offer congratulations were also teens who chose to keep the baby. I would think that after going through the difficulties associated with this type of decision, these women would be less likely to congratulate a young woman on having just invited a whole lot of challenges into her life. Having made it through the hard times themselves, one would think these women would know better than to offer the idea that a single, teenage mother is an ideal parent! We all know that the ideal situation for a child is a stable two-parent home; not everyone gets to have the ideal, but this doesn't change what the ideal is.

I applaud the woman who is realistic enough to recognize that pregnancy as a teen is not necessarily a cause for celebration; it is merely an indication that a young woman is going to be facing a lot of heartache and frustration no matter what choice she makes.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

Having made it through the hard times themselves, one would think these women would know better than to offer the idea that a single, teenage mother is an ideal parent!
No, my personal ideal is a married mom/dad couple. But having been a teen mom, I can say that as a teenager I had wads of energy to keep up with ds and dd. I was open to learning about babies and I found that I had an easier adjustment to motherhood than some older moms I knew. Maybe because there was no real "before kids" to speak of. It was just school then kids.


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

Someone on here used to have in her signature the quote "Women experiencing an unplanned pregnancy also deserve unplanned joy." (Patricia Heaton) I so agree!

With what we know about the effects of stress on pregnancy, how could we in good conscience react any differently? The mother's emotional state affects the baby -- would you like your judgemental stare or less-than-supportive words to contribute to a poor outcome?

And, if you're pro-life, know that your reaction could contribute to her decision to have an abortion or not (speaking in general here, not to this particular situation). From Feminists for Life: "It is important that we reverse the negative attitudes toward children and parenting that have become so prevalent in our culture. Our society needs once again to cherish motherhood, champion fatherhood, and celebrate the benefits and rewards of parenthood."


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

I would definitely say it. To me, hearing "congratulations" is a sign of acceptance, not necessarily approval.

I got pregnant as a teen and chose not to continue the pregnancy. Even after I had made my choice (but before getting the procedure), I told a few trusted people and they offered their congratulations. I was still happy about it! Even though I chose not to parent at that time, I still felt that I was being accepted. That meant a lot to me, even from those who knew the choice I was making.

And then many years later I got pregnant with E, who was very much planned. I had been married for several years already, had a steady job and stable life. A few people, including my mom, gave the whole "hmmm. . .how are you feeling about that?" line and it just crushed me. I was telling them because I was excited and their reserved response really made me feel that this new life wasn't worth celebrating and that I was wrong to feel excited. It was hard enough as a stable, married adult. . I can't imagine getting that vibe when I was a teen









So I have to say that I full-heatedly agree with Miss Manners: the only polite response to a pregnancy announcement is "Congratulations". If the pregnant woman (and yes, a pregnant teen is a "woman" to me too) wishes to discuss things further, she will. (I do think that there are a few exceptions, such as the teacher above pointed out. . some students come conflicted and need to talk about it. So therapists/counselors, teachers, religious authorities, etc might want to take a more neutral approach.)

If the pregnant woman makes no announcement, then I think "how are you feeling?" is appropriate, unless you get the impression she does not want to discuss it.


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## gracequinn (Jun 5, 2005)

wow, from the sounds of this thread teen moms should probably have their ovaries ripped out for creating such heartache and despair all over the world while infecting it with their little needy creatures who show up and ruin lives-
...anyone who has an unexpected pregnancy goes through a range of emotions

instead of people who knew nothing about what i was going through giving me hell- i wish someone who actually knew (the ability to pass judgment does not count as knowledge) sat me down and said
i wish someone said:

"this will be the hardest thing you will ever do and no one can do it but you. You need to know this is something that is life long and every decision you make from here on out effects someone else. it's up to you to make a happy STABLE and healthy life for your child. You will feel like you are missing out on things, you will feel lonely and disconnected a lot of times from your peers. You will feel judged by strangers and the first time your toddler throws a fit in a public place you will feel inadequate.

but

you will be the biggest brightest feeling inside your child and them inside you. you will wake up every morning to someone who thinks you are hero, and you really are. you will watch them fall asleep and wish for a second you could see what they were dreaming. you will hurt when they do, and smile, when they do. you will unlearn everything you thought you knew, and feel like magic really does exist because they believe. you will watch the same movie over and over and over again, and find yourself singing silly songs you thought you forgot. you will feel like you are running on empty some days and somehow find a way to still focus your eyes enough to read a favorite story. you will find a hug and kiss can actually save the world, if not the world at least the day.

it will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it will be the most amazing honor in the entire world to be their mom. and if you can give your whole self to being that child's mother and love them more than you love yourself (which is easy once you meet them) you will do the right thing, you will struggle and you will cry and sometimes you will feel like you just want life to be easy, but that will come and you will get better at it everyday and before you know it you will look back and wonder how your little tiny helpless baby has grown so fast.

it's going to suck somedays, and be amazing others. don't give up. never give up, you are just like every other mother in the entire world, you are not different, you are a mother and don't ever let anyone tell you different. mothers come from all different incomes, social backgrounds, cultures and abilities. love your baby and everything else will fall into place."

but since no one said that to me, i say it to young moms i meet and i hope they learn to ignore the ignorance in this world and that instead of becoming bitter or worse actually believing the terrible judgments of others, they just become good moms. sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. i sure do know a lot of women who are in their 30's who have no business having the children they *planned* to have, so really what you should probably do is give her a hug


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## p.s (May 27, 2005)

Wow, Gracequinn. That was beautifully put. Thank you.


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

Gracequinn,







that:

I may print that off to hand out in case I run into any pregnant teens!


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zech13_9_goforgold* 
I understand how many of you are feeling. I got married at 20 and got pregnant with our first soon after. I had an ectoptic pregnancy and lost the child, and a tube. We have had trouble getting pregnant ever since. When I tried to talk to my OB-GYN about it, she said I was too young to be worried about it. I don't get it. Why should she care? I want to have a baby- it doesn't matter if she thinks I'm too young. I'm now 23. I'm so frustrated!

Sounds like it's time for a new doctor.


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## Telle Bear (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
I disagree with you. I think being a mother is the hardest thing we do in our lives, and I don't think that the average 14 or 15 year old girl necessarily has the patience, maturity, life experience, emotional and financial resources to mother to the same level of capability of your average 25 or 30 year old. Are there teen moms who do an outstanding job - sure! But in general, there is a reason why we wait past childhood to become mothers.

To answer the OP's question - no, I don't congratulate middle school or high school kids who become pregnant. I think you can be supportive without congratulating her.

I totally agree. However, I feel the same when when I hear about people having kids when THEY are in a bad situation no matter their age.

ex: I work with a woman who is in her 30's two kids from two different dads (I only mention that because neither of them have a relationship with their dad). She lives in her mothers basement, doesn't drive, and has a couple of addictons. She just had her third baby a year ago.....NO I did not Congratulate her. On the other I have a friend who is in her early 20's and has been with the same guy for years, just finished school and is expecting her first....So there are exceptions.

I just feel that a young person is not prepared mentally or emotionally to be a parent.


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## amberskyfire (Sep 15, 2007)

I agree with Gracequinn! Beautifully put!

A lot of teenagers ARE equipped to deal with pregnancies and children. It's been that way for thousands of years. Only very very recently have women been choosing to have children when they are older. This is a very new thing and I think it's very wrong of people to think that all teens can't handle it. It's normal for teens to handle having children, especially, I think, since they are still young themselves and better able to keep up with a child.

If a teen mother is selfish and immature and can't handle having a child, then her parents should not have raised her to be a selfish and immature child. Those with love and compassion in their hearts who were taught to be mature and responsible WILL be. Not all teens are like that.

I would congratulate her if she is keeping the baby. Because she is a teenager, she probably gets nothing at all but negativity from everyone and THAT is what is going to make a teen a bad mother. If all she associates with having children is hatred and negative feelings, then she is never going to want her baby the same way she would if she was supported. She doesn't need to be made to feel like she made a mistake - she KNOWS that.

I feel sorry for teen mothers who are given hell about the mistakes they make. I know exactly how they feel. When my MIL found out I was pregnant, she had an absolute fit because we are poor. She called my husband at work and reamed him out saying that we were being stupid and irresponsible and how could we do something so stupid! She said my baby was a mistake. Then she cut us off and would not speak to us again for months. We were not even teenagers! I was 27 and my husband was 32 and we had been married for 8 years. Our baby was planned.

Give her some hope and do congratulate her. It will make her a better mommy


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Telle Bear* 
I just feel that a young person is not prepared mentally or emotionally to be a parent.

I don't know a lot of mom's who really are regardless of age.

I hear this sentiment a lot and I wonder if people who say this really stop and think about it. Take the countless MDC mamas who were and are teen moms. Do you feel that about us? Do you feel that we are not or were not prepared? The thing is who really is prepared for motherhood? What is it to be prepared? It's such a myth that there is some sort of perfect formula to be "prepared" for parenthood. You might as well look for the fountain of youth while you're at it.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amberskyfire* 
A lot of teenagers ARE equipped to deal with pregnancies and children. It's been that way for thousands of years. Only very very recently have women been choosing to have children when they are older. This is a very new thing and I think it's very wrong of people to think that all teens can't handle it. It's normal for teens to handle having children, especially, I think, since they are still young themselves and better able to keep up with a child.









I think it comes down to this:

Quote:

"It is important that we reverse the negative attitudes toward children and parenting that have become so prevalent in our culture. Our society needs once again to cherish motherhood, champion fatherhood, and celebrate the benefits and rewards of parenthood."
Thanks for the wonderful quote, Jill!

This fear of parenting and this coddling of our teens (who are a recent invitation. They truly are young adults) is a societal problem. A very wise MDC mama said here once (sadly I can't remember for the life of me who) that we have created a society of rebellious teens by denying them their lives. They are not children! I can't say this enough- they are NOT children!!!

It's 2 fold- we have no faith in our youth AND we view parenthood as the end as a burden only the most seasoned should have to endure.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gracequinn* 
but since no one said that to me, i say it to young moms i meet and i hope they learn to ignore the ignorance in this world and that instead of becoming bitter or worse actually believing the terrible judgments of others, they just become good moms. sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. i sure do know a lot of women who are in their 30's who have no business having the children they *planned* to have, so really what you should probably do is give her a hug


















I love your post but this last paragraph sums it up. There is a lot of ageism in this world. What's more I have known so many 30-something parents who have said they waited until they were "prepared" and discovered that they wasted a lot of time.


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## Marilde (Jun 24, 2008)

I will congratulate her, I was 18 when i had DD1


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:

We all know that the ideal situation for a child is a stable two-parent home
We do? That's not something I know. I think the ideal situation for a child is where they are loved, sure there are things that might be icing on that cake, but that is the core.

I don't like to say congratulations to anyone when I find out they are pregnant, and I always feel weird when people say it to me. Too many factors and even the most wanted pregnancy can be full of conflicting emotions. I go with "wow, big news, how are you feeling" or something similar, and just react to what the mama says. Sometimes I slip and say congrats and then I feel dumb, because I don't like it myself much.

I react the same whether the mom is 15 or 50. I honestly don't think it matters much whether I think as a group teen moms, or older moms, or mom's in the middle make the best mom's, it isn't my place to take my judgements on society in general and apply it to an individual who is standing in front of me and could use a kind word. (and I don't care what your age or your preparedness for pregnancy, if you are pregnant you could use a kind word!)


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *magstphil* 
I don't know a lot of mom's who really are regardless of age.

I hear this sentiment a lot and I wonder if people who say this really stop and think about it. Take the countless MDC mamas who were and are teen moms. Do you feel that about us? Do you feel that we are not or were not prepared? The thing is who really is prepared for motherhood? What is it to be prepared? It's such a myth that there is some sort of perfect formula to be "prepared" for parenthood. You might as well look for the fountain of youth while you're at it.

IA.

Oh yes, and I'm 21, and I'm waaaaay crunchier/AP than many women esp. those 10,20 yrs my senior. But unfortunately, I didn't make it too far.









I honestly don't see the advantage of waiting aside from education and money, and neither one of those guarantee good parenting. Really, I don't know if there's ever a perfect time.

I think young moms need encouragement and support not to be shamed.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jillc512* 
Someone on here used to have in her signature the quote "Women experiencing an unplanned pregnancy also deserve unplanned joy." (Patricia Heaton) I so agree!

With what we know about the effects of stress on pregnancy, how could we in good conscience react any differently? The mother's emotional state affects the baby -- would you like your judgemental stare or less-than-supportive words to contribute to a poor outcome?

And, if you're pro-life, know that your reaction could contribute to her decision to have an abortion or not (speaking in general here, not to this particular situation). From Feminists for Life: *"It is important that we reverse the negative attitudes toward children and parenting that have become so prevalent in our culture. Our society needs once again to cherish motherhood, champion fatherhood, and celebrate the benefits and rewards of parenthood."*

I love that.

I just wanted to say something real quit. As someone who has lost, it can be hard for young moms to cope with loss b/c people think you should be happy and grateful about it. After all, a baby would have ruined her life. And you get people who not-so-subtly say you had nothing to offer a baby, not even love. Basically, she would have been a bad mom anyway. That's yet another reason why I hate the idea that only young women shouldn't be moms. Just throwing that out there for food for thought.


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## kristenburgess (Sep 15, 2002)

Well I was a pregnant teenager. It *still* stands out in my mind that the only person to say congratulations to me was an anonymous mother who happened to be in the ER with her infant daughter at the same time the ER staff was verifying that I did not have an ectopic pregnancy.

I still remember how glad I was that somebody had congratulated me. I don't think anyone else ever did.

I got a lot of "I'll support your choice" and "how are you dealing with it" and "do you need me to do anything" ... but no "congratulations." It hurt me.

So I would congratulate her. Then ask how she's feeling. Or take it from her cues then.

But all those other well-meaning comments I got as a pregnant teenager just said to me "we're trying to politely talk to you now that you've screwed up your life."


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## kijip (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kathryn B* 
I think it is interesting that so many of those who say they would offer congratulations were also teens who chose to keep the baby. I would think that after going through the difficulties associated with this type of decision, these women would be less likely to congratulate a young woman on having just invited a whole lot of challenges into her life. Having made it through the hard times themselves, one would think these women would know better than to offer the idea that a single, teenage mother is an ideal parent! We all know that the ideal situation for a child is a stable two-parent home; not everyone gets to have the ideal, but this doesn't change what the ideal is.

I applaud the woman who is realistic enough to recognize that pregnancy as a teen is not necessarily a cause for celebration; it is merely an indication that a young woman is going to be facing a lot of heartache and frustration no matter what choice she makes.

What exactly do you hope to accomplish with this response? Honestly it seems it would contribute to the stigma associated with the situation- stigma that hurts not only the mother but the child. It seems their response is informed by their experiences whereas yours is formed by your assumptions. Perhaps you could learn from others who have had a different experience than you. If a BTDT mother says congrats, I think that is a powerful statement that we should celebrate with a young mom who is has made their decision.

I used to have the same belief system about the ideal time to become a parent- I think 30 was my min age. Then I took a job working in parenting support. I worked with teens. I worked with 44 year old first time mothers. I worked with millionaire families and families on welfare. I saw competent, loving, capable parents of ALL ages and income and family situations and I saw parents who should have had their kids taken from them at ALL ages and income levels.

We must consider too that the stigma and economic hardship on teenage mothers is a function of our culture and not the norm in history or around the world. My grandmother married at 19, and was the last of her class to do so. She had 9 children in 20 years and is a wonderful mother. I am not saying people should feel they need to be married and have a child at 19 like her generation did but I am saying it's about choices. In her day you were long in the tooth in many social circles to be unmarried at 21 and girls were pressured into marriage and motherhood. We have gone to the other extreme where I am, as a 27 year old happily married for 6+ years woman seen by some as "too young". I don't think women should be persecuted for having a baby at any age that works for them.

Further, once something has happened, it has happened. It's time to figure out how to make it work and work WELL. Because even if "it would have been better to..." the ship has sailed, folks. Once she decides to have and keep the baby the best thing we, as a culture, can do for the mother and child is to help her be the best parent she can be (regardless of age).


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## Telle Bear (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *magstphil* 
I don't know a lot of mom's who really are regardless of age.

I hear this sentiment a lot and I wonder if people who say this really stop and think about it. Take the countless MDC mamas who were and are teen moms. Do you feel that about us? Do you feel that we are not or were not prepared? The thing is who really is prepared for motherhood? What is it to be prepared? It's such a myth that there is some sort of perfect formula to be "prepared" for parenthood. You might as well look for the fountain of youth while you're at it.

The reason why I feel that age is a factor (and again, there are exceptions) is that with age comes experience. I'm not talking about babies crying in the middle of the night, or the stresses of raising a morally sound being, or the amount of unconditional love you will have for your child, nothing can prepare you for that. I am simply talking about the lessons that we learn as we get older and go through life. If you are absorbing the world around you at the age of 30 as you were when you were 17 then you haven't grown yourself.

You as a parent/ mentor can only teach what you know or have experienced, and if you haven't experienced a lot what do you have to offer??

I want to STRESS that this is not personal to anyone on here it is just how I SEE things right now (maybe in 10 years I will feel differently)


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

I haven't read through, but I thought I would add--
When I was waiting for a midwife appt at around 39 weeks, I heard the midwife doing the first prenatal check on a 13 yo in the room next to me (the nurses let her age slip to me while I was getting a blood check)... and it was NOT going well. The girl kept screaming "stop stop stop" while the midwife was doing the exam; I couldn't help hearing that the girl already had some STD complications and a bleeding, untreated yeast infection. Anyway, I was sitting in my room, thinking about how blessed I was to have a husband, great support, a good knowledge about how to stay healthy, etc-- but I heard the midwife say, as she was leaving the room, "Your next visit you'll have an ultrasound and you'll get to see your baby! Congratulations!" and she said it with such sincerity... she was celebrating the existence of the baby, not the circumstances. So yes; I would probably just say congratulations.


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## kijip (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Telle Bear* 

You as a parent/ mentor can only teach what you know or have experienced, and if you haven't experienced a lot what do you have to offer??


My favorite quote used to be: The beauty of marriage is not that marriage creates children, but that children create adults.

I personally feel, when seeing what seems to be a rising number of immature 25, 30, 35 year olds who can't hold a job or balance a checkbook or live anywhere but their parents basement that we have protracted adolescence to a HUGE degree in the USA. I am not saying people should rush into parenting but I wonder why it is that we look at people having babies as young adults a tragedy.

Love and care, not life experience is the main thing parents bring to their kids.

Honestly, we will all be much wiser and more experienced at age 80 than now. I don't think anyone would argue we should wait until then to parent?









ETA: I am a professional woman whose career centers mainly on writing and finance. I know little about most of the topics that fascinate my son yet because he is science inclined, I have worked with him on science etc. I don't think it is true that all we have to teach is what we know.


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## sweetpeppers (Dec 19, 2007)

Yes, please do. I got pregnant at 23, and it was definitely not planned, but I made my peace about it, but it was very sad that the reactions that I got from those closest to me were not happy ones at all. Bringing a child into the world is a great thing, and it helps if other people treat it as such.


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## Telle Bear (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kijip* 

Love and care, not life experience is the main thing parents bring to their kids.


I think you may be taking what I am saying too literally.

I love my husband more everyday because of the things we have gone through. We have learned about each other everyday and have grown together and have shared our lives. Love like this only comes with time and experience. My love for my husband is deeper than say my love for my highschool sweetheart.

We are here on MDC because we believe that we are doing what is best for our children. Are there teenage moms on here...yes...and I think that is awesome. At some point they were exposed to breastfeeding, baby wearing, vax alternatives, keeping our sons whole, and what ever other decisions we have made. I believe that the MAJORITY of teens have NOT been exposed to these options.

I guess what it comes down to is what you want to bring to your relationship with your family and/or child. I want to bring more than love and caring. I believe that ALL mothers love and care for their children(some just don't have the ability to show it).

You do better when you know better....I believe that comes with age and experience.


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## gracequinn (Jun 5, 2005)

this thread has turned into something else...but, i need to add...

my parents were addicts, i lived separately from my sibling and grew up in foster care. no one Attachment Parented me. no one wore me as a baby, we all got mercury fillings and vaccinations. my mother had 4 C Sections, I had homebirths. no one exposed me to the kind of parenting I do. Mothering came from inside me. I learned how to not parent from my parents. and i am not an exception to the rule.

My kids know their great grandparents.
Think about that.
Three of my four grandparents are alive and well enough to tell my children stories of their own youth...four generations...i have very lucky kids.









we have neighbors who waited till they were 48 and 51 to get get pregnant and it makes me so sad. I think its selfish. Those kids are not going to have any of their adult life with their parents around and what time they do have will be taking care of them. on the other end - I can't imagine dealing with a teenager when i'm pushing 70...it seems crazy to me.

so i don't recommend having a baby when you are in high school but i don't think its a social atom bomb either


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## witchygrrl (Aug 3, 2006)

I have mixed feelings about pregnancy in general, even now that I am pregnant myself. I guess it's not the age issue, so much as the readiness issue. Is the mother ready and willing to completely change the focus of her life? How much of a support base does she have? Etc etc.

My 19 year old cousin found herself pregnant a few months ago. She decided to have an abortion after much discussion (and persuasion, honestly). She can barely care for herself. She's bipolar, has temper tantrums, and in general acts like a bratty five year old. She had a brief fling with Rx painkillers last year with other classmates. I cannot imagine her being a mom anytime soon. Maybe the baby would have caused her to HAVE to grow up, but I don't know that would be necessarily true.

In other cases, like the teen moms on here, I would not have these same concerns.

I decided to wait until now to have a baby as I wanted to be sure I did certain things more easily. I'm in a happy marriage, I have my MA, I'm somewhat financially stable as I navigate through my PhD program. This is what I wanted first before baby. I didn't want to be a much older mom for many reasons, but especially health concerns. My mother was an older mom, and she died at age 52 because she was in poor health. And it was hard for that, and for the fact that I was being raised more like my peers' parents rather than my peers.

So am I going to congratulate a teen mom? I might, if I know her to be a responsible person in general. Otherwise, I'll ask her how she's doing first.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Telle Bear* 
At some point they were exposed to breastfeeding, baby wearing, vax alternatives, keeping our sons whole, and what ever other decisions we have made. I believe that the MAJORITY of teens have NOT been exposed to these options.

Frankly, I don't think the majority of 20 or 30 somethings have been exposed to these options! I was 22 when my daughter was born -- and I was the first person I knew who breastfed without supplementing and did so for an extended period of time, or who questioned circumcision (my son is the only intact boy in my family and his father's), who examined vax options, etc etc. Unfortunately, none of these ideas are mainstream in MOST of the US.

That doesn't mean younger parents can't make good decisions -- it means those of us who know better should do more to make sure that ALL people are educated about important parenting choices.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Telle Bear* 
I think you may be taking what I am saying too literally.

I love my husband more everyday because of the things we have gone through. We have learned about each other everyday and have grown together and have shared our lives. Love like this only comes with time and experience. My love for my husband is deeper than say my love for my highschool sweetheart.

We are here on MDC because we believe that we are doing what is best for our children. Are there teenage moms on here...yes...and I think that is awesome. At some point they were exposed to breastfeeding, baby wearing, vax alternatives, keeping our sons whole, and what ever other decisions we have made. I believe that the MAJORITY of teens have NOT been exposed to these options.

I guess what it comes down to is what you want to bring to your relationship with your family and/or child. I want to bring more than love and caring. I believe that ALL mothers love and care for their children(some just don't have the ability to show it).

You do better when you know better....I believe that comes with age and experience.

The majority of PEOPLE have not been exposed to these options. I also think that teen parents are pushed to want all the STUFF (cribs, strollers, ....crap) because people are trying so hard to push them to feel inadequate and highlight their "mistake". "How will you afford to properly take care of your baby?" So I see some teen parents trying to provide all of that to prove to the judging world that they LOVE their babies. They are pushed to not take enough time for their babies and are given less support in the breastfeeding department. Much of this is caused by judgemental people who want to make sure that teens realize they made a horrible mistake and to prevent the massive spread of the "teen pregnancy disease".

That said I think that people who hold the AP/NFL beliefs are still pretty much as likely to be good parents. I may feel that breastfeeding is better but formula fed babies can be just as loved. I did not circ my son but I know people who did and they love their sons and their sons are just as happy as mine. I don't think it's right but it's not a reason someone shouldn't have children. I vaxed my children because I look at the situation in a different way than many people here and it's silly to think I shouldn't have had them because if I'd waited till I was older I would have known better. I think teens can be just as good at parenting as anyone else. ...hell I was so much more patient when I was younger. It could almost be argued that I was a better parent.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gracequinn* 
we have neighbors who waited till they were 48 and 51 to get get pregnant and it makes me so sad. I think its selfish. Those kids are not going to have any of their adult life with their parents around and what time they do have will be taking care of them. on the other end - I can't imagine dealing with a teenager when i'm pushing 70...it seems crazy to me.

See, I think comments like this are likely to take the thread in a direction it doesn't need to go.

I'm all about celebrating new life, whether the expectant mother is 15 or 50.

I didn't meet the right guy and marry 'til later in life, so I had my first at almost 36 and my second at almost 41. Dh is 6 years older than me. Now I'm 44, and we'd love a third if it's in God's plan to bless us with one.

I don't see why anyone feels a need to "defend" younger moms by bashing older ones - why can't we just celebrate pregnancy whenever it happens?

I'm sorry another poster had a bad experience with older parents. Personally, I think my children's upbringing is very different from both that of their peers, as well as their peers' parents. I hope they have mostly good memories of their childhoods -- but whether they do or not will probably have little to do with dh's and my ages, and more to do with our love, responsiveness, and availability.

I say this because I've met many people who've had unhappy childhoods -- and they weren't all children of very old parents or very young parents; I think there are other factors at play here besides parental age.


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## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lachingona1* 
I would ask how are you feeling!

This is what I did.
Then I went from there. If the mother is excited and happy, I am excited and happy. If she is putting baby up for adoption id start a discussion on why, if its because of pressure Id support her to keep the baby if she was able. If she was choosing to abort, I would support her in that decision as well.
Its not for me to judge her, I also believe babies are wonderful and we all deserve to share in that gift.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Telle Bear* 
However, I feel the same when when I hear about people having kids when THEY are in a bad situation no matter their age.

This just seems so patronizing! I guess it's all based in the idea that *our* feelings/assessments should dictate whether or not *someone else's* pregnancy is cause for rejoicing.

If someone tells me she's expecting, I believe that the new life is cause for joy and I'm going to express that joy to her -- not as a means of telling her how she "should" be feeling (because I also usually do ask expectant mothers, of any age, how they're feeling, and realize we often do go through a wide range of emotions) -- but as a means of celebrating the goodness of God in creating and blessing our world with a new, unique, little person.

And I think you can celebrate the joy and beauty of new life, even while not "feeling" 100% perky, too.

I remember getting a visit from someone after the birth of my second daughter. I was almost 41, and we hadn't seen this woman for a while. So, she shows up at our house all shocked after hearing about the baby (it's not like she was a close friend or anything -- just a lady we knew at church).

Anyhow, she shows up and says, "I never knew you were pregnant. I never even knew you were *wanting* another child!" -- and I'm thinking, "You're married -- don't you know that married people have sex and, under the right conditions, sex results in babies?" It was so weird to me that she was all weirded-out over a married couple having sex and producing a baby!


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
See, I think comments like this are likely to take the thread in a direction it doesn't need to go.

I'm all about celebrating new life, whether the expectant mother is 15 or 50.

I didn't meet the right guy and marry 'til later in life, so I had my first at almost 36 and my second at almost 41. Dh is 6 years older than me. Now I'm 44, and we'd love a third if it's in God's plan to bless us with one.

I don't see why anyone feels a need to "defend" younger moms by bashing older ones - why can't we just celebrate pregnancy whenever it happens?

I'm sorry another poster had a bad experience with older parents. Personally, I think my children's upbringing is very different from both that of their peers, as well as their peers' parents. I hope they have mostly good memories of their childhoods -- but whether they do or not will probably have little to do with dh's and my ages, and more to do with our love, responsiveness, and availability.

I say this because I've met many people who've had unhappy childhoods -- and they weren't all children of very old parents or very young parents; I think there are other factors at play here besides parental age.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PoppyMama* 
The majority of PEOPLE have not been exposed to these options. I also think that teen parents are pushed to want all the STUFF (cribs, strollers, ....crap) because people are trying so hard to push them to feel inadequate and highlight their "mistake". "How will you afford to properly take care of your baby?" So I see some teen parents trying to provide all of that to prove to the judging world that they LOVE their babies. They are pushed to not take enough time for their babies and are given less support in the breastfeeding department. Much of this is caused by judgemental people who want to make sure that teens realize they made a horrible mistake and to prevent the massive spread of the "teen pregnancy disease".

This is so very true! I lived in fear for a long time because we couldn't afford the "necessities" that our county parent's class told us we had to have. I did everything the nurses and Drs and older and wiser folks told me to do because CPS hung in the air with every visit, in between every "helpful suggestion".

Great post


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## DocsNemesis (Dec 10, 2005)

Here's the thing; if you, as a person on MDC, see a teen pregnant or know someone who is, and you act like they are diseased or get all negative, they arnt going to WANT to talk to you. At all. YOU as non-mainstream people have an opportunity to help a not so great situation become much better. Instead of being negative or freaky about it, ask how they are, talk to them, become their friend, even if its only for a few minutes. Ask if they are planning on breastfeeding, ask if they know about cosleeping, midwives, all those things the people on this wonderful forum are lucky enough to have learned all about. It doesnt mean they *will* listen, but hearing it may be enough for them to look into it further. Tbh, I really wish someone would've said something about circumcision to me, about babywearing, about vaccines. I had already planned on breastfeeding as well as cosleeping, but beyond that I really didnt know. Oh if I had known that homebirth was an option! Granted some of this stuff isnt something you'd bring up to someone in passing, but still....take it as opportunity!

I am working on becoming a speaker in the teen parenting classes in my school district for EXACTLY this reason. I took a teen parenting class in high school while I was pregnant and while breastfeeding was encouraged, cosleeping was NOT at ALL. If it hadnt already been a part of my family (and btw-I myself was raised by a single mom on $600 of social security a month; it sucked being broke but I'd take that over an abusive 2 parent family ANYDAY!) I would've been scared to cosleep. Instead, I was made to feel like a bad parent and was told I could get a crib for free since I couldnt afford it. I could afford it, I just didnt WANT one. And this goes with what someone else was saying-if a teen doesnt get every little bit of baby stuff they can, the attitude is that oh, see, this is what happens when you have a baby as a teen, you cant buy anything. I had what I wanted and felt that I needed. Other things were not talked about in that class; when my ds was born I hadnt even thought about circing, I didnt know what a sling was or about vaccine concerns until I somehow, by accident, came accross a mothering mag. TY for that mothering!

I also VERY much disagree that the ideal family is a 2 parent one. How many 2 parent families have an abusive parent? How many kids listen to constant arguing and bickering between their parents? How many of these 2 parent families end in divorce and even more strain for the kids, being bounced back and forth, possibly having at least one parent mad at the other and saying stuff about them? Yeah, that doesnt sound ideal to me. Yes, some 2 parent families are great, on the same hand, there are plenty of single parent families that are great as well. And that doesnt mean all teen parents ARE single parents or will remain single. I know 2 of the 6 teen parents in my class stayed with the guys they got pregnant with and are still together (we had a reunion







); 3 of us are now married to other guys and only 1 is still single. Regardless, my point is, not all 2 parent households are fine and dandy; in my experience its been quite the opposite. I feel lucky in that my dh is my best friend, we never argue, my kids would probably have a break down if we did







but many families are not this lucky.

All I can say is, even as a teen, I was a better parent than half the parents I know in real life. Yes, I am full of myself, but I dont care. Its true. Especially from the standpoint of MDC. That 14 year old that I talked about in my earlier post was a hell of a lot stronger than many adults-she left her only support system when her dad (who was an abusive, pompous a$$ if I ever saw one) slapped her ds. Now think of how many adults wont leave their husbands when they beat them-or their children. Teenagers are NOT children. Period. They are simply under the age number we as a society picked to count them as adults. Some 13 year olds are more mature than some 30 year olds. Dont dismiss a teen as being an immature child incapable of taking care of their own child before you know that teen and give them a chance. I have 2 daughters and a son of my own and while I will certainly discourage them from becoming pregnant as a teen, I will at the same time completely support them and whatever decision they make. And yes, I WILL congratulate them if they are happy about it.

Everyone deserves a little love.


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## kijip (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Telle Bear* 

You do better when you know better....I believe that comes with age and experience.

I do get that, I just don't think that everyone reaches the point where they are ready to have a child at the same age. And I think that the child makes most people into good parents with its arrival. I had an unplanned (BCP) baby in my early 20s. There was/is no point muddling over if at some point in the future, I would have been a better parent. I am, with my husband, the best parents our son could have. The same goes for teenaged mothers- they are the best parents, if given the support they need, that their children have. This topic is so close to my heart because of my work with parents of all ages and also because both my brother and I had the situation of being frequently taken for much younger new parents (I was 23 and pretty young looking often mistaken for 18-19ish until the last three years, he was 25 and still looks 15!). It gave me a taste of the needless, hurtful judgment people give out. Both of us are actually 20 something married middle class parents and I found it very repulsive how much better I was treated when people realized that. Further, I know people my age and older with very limited life experiences. Experience and age don't always correlate perfectly.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PoppyMama* 
*The majority of PEOPLE have not been exposed to these options.* I also think that teen parents are pushed to want all the STUFF (cribs, strollers, ....crap) .


Exactly!


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DocsNemesis* 
I *am working on becoming a speaker in the teen parenting classes in my school district for EXACTLY this reason. I took a teen parenting class in high school while I was pregnant and while breastfeeding was encouraged, cosleeping was NOT at ALL*. .

Kudos to you. I'd like to do that someday.


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## witchygrrl (Aug 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 

I'm sorry another poster had a bad experience with older parents. Personally, I think my children's upbringing is very different from both that of their peers, as well as their peers' parents. I hope they have mostly good memories of their childhoods -- but whether they do or not will probably have little to do with dh's and my ages, and more to do with our love, responsiveness, and availability.


I'm not saying it was BAD because my mother was older, but it was definitely different, which in some respects made it harder for me relating to my peers. And she was in poor health, so I grew up with her telling me she doubted that she would live to see me as an adult. She died when I was 11, so that came true, unfortunately. Because of where she was in life, between her age and her health (more importantly), I have come to feel that she probably shouldn't have had me. I'm glad to be here, obviously, but if I were her, I wouldn't have made that same choice. If she had just been an older, but healthy person, that would have been a bit different.

Teen pregnancy is also on my mind because I live near Gloucester,MA, which is now getting country-wide media attention for the jump in teen pregnancy this year. Whether there was a pact or not, 4 girls allegedly are having babies sired by a 24 year old homeless man. Would I really want to congratulate them? I really don't know. I do wish them the best and hope that they do learn more than what is mainstream for their sakes and for their babies'. And please don't flame me for just being honest here.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *witchygrrl* 
Teen pregnancy is also on my mind because I live near Gloucester,MA, which is now getting country-wide media attention for the jump in teen pregnancy this year. Whether there was a pact or not, 4 girls allegedly are having babies sired by a 24 year old homeless man. Would I really want to congratulate them? I really don't know. I do wish them the best and hope that they do learn more than what is mainstream for their sakes and for their babies'. And please don't flame me for just being honest here.

I don't flame you -- I see what you mean about the circumstances being way less-than-ideal. And I speak as someone who believes in waiting 'til marriage for sex -- but I still believe God has a purpose for those babies, and those little lives in themselves are joyous things. I think you can celebrate the child without saying sexual abuse is a wonderful thing.


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

Quote:

Originally Posted by rhubarbarin
I am always positive about women's pregnancies.

That stuck out to me - as the OP was talking about a child's pregnancy, not a woman's.
This doesn't make any logical sense to me. If the teen in question is 13 or 14, then yes, she's closer to child than adult - but still a young adult in my mind. If she is 15 or older she is unquestionably an adult to me. Historically girls this age were often married with one or more children.

The definition of adulthood (though not of full physical growth) is sexual maturity in all other animals. No reason people should be different just because we're capable of thinking too much.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I don't flame you -- I see what you mean about the circumstances being way less-than-ideal. And I speak as someone who believes in waiting 'til marriage for sex -- but I still believe God has a purpose for those babies, and those little lives in themselves are joyous things. I think you can celebrate the child without saying sexual abuse is a wonderful thing.

ITA.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhubarbarin* 
This doesn't make any logical sense to me. If the teen in question is 13 or 14, then yes, she's closer to child than adult - but still a young adult in my mind. If she is 15 or older she is unquestionably an adult to me. Historically girls this age were often married with one or more children.

The definition of adulthood (though not of full physical growth) is sexual maturity in all other animals. No reason people should be different just because we're capable of thinking too much.

Yah, I think we humans tend to complicate things too much. I realize human society is way more complex than it used to be, and I'll be honest that I hope my children will be in stable marriages before they have children -- but every other species mates upon reaching sexual maturity.

Our society goes against the grain of what's natural -- I can understand the reasoning behind it, but it's still unnatural and I think we need a little more compassionate optimism, rather than this attitude that we can only be happy for expectant mothers who have "all their ducks in order," so to speak.


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## gracequinn (Jun 5, 2005)

you get me all wrong, i wasn't bashing older moms at all, i was trying to make the point the the older parent will have kids in their 20's who may have to spend that time they would reserve for their own growth as time to "take care" of their aging parents.

my point was really that age does not matter when it comes to pregnancy, its never peaches and cream no matter when it happens. i actually feel that there is no right time to have a baby that being said, i feel there is no wrong time. families are diverse and thats what makes it so nice to have one. there are always two ways to look at everything and i was just using an example by no means do i age discriminate i'm just saying my heart reacts the same way to an older or younger person raising a child, their struggles may be different but i don't think either has a "better" chance at doing it well


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## NaomiMcC (Mar 22, 2007)

How about: I heard the news! You look wonderful! And give her a hug and a smile.


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## catemom (Jan 9, 2007)

Ooh, I understand your trepidation about being too celebratory with this girl since you don't want your DD to join the party. I have worked with disadvantaged middle school age children (some of them found themselves pg), and I think you should just make it known that you support her decisions and do your best to be as non-judgemental as possible.

(Honestly, I would bet that there would be way fewer abortions and dead babies in garbage cans if we could all just get over our self-righteousness and reach out to these moms with a loving spirit rather than just scowl at them and cluck our tongues).

THEN, have a discussion with DD where you ask her questions about what she thinks about it all, and then quietly listen to her.

Anyway, those are my 2 cents. I hope this helps.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *magstphil* 
Keep in mind that we are not talking about children. We are talking about young women who are closer to being adults then childhood.

If you believe in being supportive then why not congratulate her? I'm a little lost on that.

I am not sure exactly how old of a teen the OP was talking about - but a 13 year old girl pregnant? Yes, she is a child in my book. That is babies having babies - and just because historically women married and had kids younger doesn't make it a good idea.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
I think young moms need encouragement and support not to be shamed.

This is a point that seems to be made over and over. Just because some of us wouldn't say "congratulations!" to a pregnant teen DOES NOT mean we are shaming them or being negative or giving them hell or any of the other things mentioned so far.

A dear friend's dd's best friend found herself pregnant in high school. 20-something boyfriend who has shown himself not to be a good choice. I like this girl very much, and was kind and supportive, talked to her about childbirth when she was worried/scared/had questions, went to her baby shower, always ask how dd is when I see this girl, fawn over the darling pix, etc. But when I heard she was pregnant in high school, no, I didn't say "congratulations". It just seems inappropriate to me. I'm not comfortable saying that. There is a lot of space between "congrats!" and shaming.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gracequinn* 
we have neighbors who waited till they were 48 and 51 to get get pregnant and it makes me so sad. I think its selfish. Those kids are not going to have any of their adult life with their parents around and what time they do have will be taking care of them.

I'm not sure you have enough information to make that judgment. How well do you know them? Are you quite sure that you know all the many and various reasons/life experiences that led them to have their first/only at 48 and 51? You know what you've heard, or what they've told you, but that may easily not be the whole story.

My dp's parents were 43 and 54 when he was born - surprise! Not planned but very much loved. His dad lived into his 80s and saw his son graduate college and get married, so some of his adult life - the early years. My parents had me at 26 and by the time I was 14 they had both passed away. So there is no guarantee. And my MIL is now 83 and we are only just this year starting to take care of her; dp is in his 40s.

Also, posters who had kids at 20 or early 20s, or even 18 or 19, isn't really comparable to 13, 14, 15 year olds. So I think it depends a bit on which end of the teen years we're talking about.


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## DavinaT (Jun 28, 2005)

A couple of points I'd limeto make.
First of all an 18 or 19 year old is an adult woman - entitled to make her own decisions and a 16 or 17 yearold, here anyway, is a minor.
These are NOT children and are different to a 13 year old getting pregnant - under 16 here would be statutary rape anyway but that is beside the point.

I suppose I speak from a different standpoint. Here if a woman - of any age, decides not to continue a pergnancy, she has to leave the jurisdiction to access abortion, regardless of her curcumstnaces or reason.
Therefore when women take that option, they tend to only confide ina few very cloe friends or family.
However, in the last 15 to 20 years, women or girls giving up their babies for adopytion is pretty much unheard of - regardless of their age or circumstances. Even in the case of someone who has a lot of problems and no famnily support, sociual care can stepin with temporary fostering arrangements.
So - if the teen / young woman is 'going public' so to speak, then I would take it that she has decided to continue the pregnancy so, I would say (and we were in that situation when my S-I-L became pregnant) somethign along the lines of - Hey, you've got really big news - or - what an amazing surpise with a big genuine smile on your face, give a hug and ask how she's feeling / doing.
Afterall, if it was unplannd she has only done exactly the same thing as her peers and as most of us, the difference being medical error (in the contraceptive sense) and you can't blame or shame anyone for that.


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## AbundantLife (Jun 4, 2005)

I haven't read every single reply here, so forgive me.

I do not think a teen pregnancy is something to be congratulated. Most of the parents I know, including myself, try very hard to give our children the best and the tools they need to succeed. We discuss birth control, abstainance, responsibility, college, and their future. An unplanned pregnancy is a major complication along the road to that life of self-sufficiency and future success.

I don't have daughters, but I do have teenage sons. My oldest son's ex-g/f had a pregnancy scare a few years ago when my son was only 16 years old. We talked about how his life and his plans for his life would change if he became a father at that young age.

Who would take care of this baby? What about school? Would a family member be expected to take care of the baby? My friends and I are all in our 40's and early 50's. If one of our kids had a baby, would we be expected to quit or jobs, put our family in financial stress in order to care for our children's irresponsibility??

I'm not naive enough to actually believe in the efficacy of abstinence only sex education; however, our teens deserve to know the realities and consequences of their actions.

A friend of mine volunteers at Sparrow House, a local organization that helps pregnant teens. Rather than force them to have an abortion of adoption against their will, this place helps the teens understand what they are facing and helps them prepare themselves.
http://sparrow-house.com/index.html


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbundantLife* 
A friend of mine volunteers at Sparrow House, a local organization that helps pregnant teens. Rather than force them to have an abortion of adoption against their will, this place helps the teens understand what they are facing and helps them prepare themselves.
http://sparrow-house.com/index.html

That place is obviously anti-abortion, but they ARE pro-adoption. I looked at the site for less than five minutes and found references to adoption under "counseling." They say they're neutral, but considering they also seem to be teaching that parenting is miserable -- a la "baby think it over," a program normally used to make teenagers think babies are awful -- I'd bet anything they're just like our local CPC: parenting is hard, say good-bye to your hopes and dreams (ie: we will say nothing positive about parenting here) BUT adoption is loving and unselfish, what a beautiful choice (ie: nothing negative about adoption).

All these places really care about is imposing their values on everyone they touch.


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## gracequinn (Jun 5, 2005)

No, not what I've heard.what they told me. she was sort of sick of working, they had a lot of money and they sort of felt like they might as well have a baby. so she stopped working went on tons of fertility drugs -got pregnant- miscarried -got pregnant again- did gestational selection, ended up with twins born very early who lived in incubators for two months. and are now rambunctious toddlers (and quite adorable). when we had our kids together at the baseball park last weekend she looked at me and said "jeez, i really wish I decided to have children when i was your age instead of when i was an old lady." she laughed and i said "you're no old lady and i nod my head to you for having twins because that is a big enough deal in itself." so again, i used an example, not a blanket statement of all mothers that are AMA and not all teen moms will be good moms. babies born to moms who are AMA typically have increase of preterm birth, congenital defects, miscarriage and fertility problems. Teen moms are more likely to neglect their babies because their brains are still focused on their own growth and haven't fully developed the action/consequence processing center. The younger the mom, the more hardships she will face, especially in terms of trying to finish school, childcare, jobs, it will be hard enough on her already without the people around her dishing it out as well. I'm sure she knows full well what people think of her anyway, I just hope she doesn't begin to believe it.

whats done is done. she going to have a baby and a baby is something to celebrate. that celebration can take place with glorifying teen pregnancy.


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## AbundantLife (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
That place is obviously anti-abortion, but they ARE pro-adoption. I looked at the site for less than five minutes and found references to adoption under "counseling." They say they're neutral, but considering they also seem to be teaching that parenting is miserable -- a la "baby think it over," a program normally used to make teenagers think babies are awful -- I'd bet anything they're just like our local CPC: parenting is hard, say good-bye to your hopes and dreams (ie: we will say nothing positive about parenting here) BUT adoption is loving and unselfish, what a beautiful choice (ie: nothing negative about adoption).

All these places really care about is imposing their values on everyone they touch.

Sounds like you know a lot about it considering you've never been there, but then again I'm quite familiar with your agenda.

I also wanted to add that many of the girls do decide to parent their babies, but some do not. Why do you think there are no references to abortion? Of course, this is a Christian -run organization that does not believe in abortion. They offer the option of adoption as two of their legitimate choices. If you are so concerned with these poor misguided souls, why do you not get behind the pro-life movement? Abortion is also an industry (your words) that hurts women.

Getting back to my original post, there is not much positive to say about a teen parent who is most likely dropping out of school, financially digging herself into a hole, and probaby raising the baby without the biological father.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbundantLife* 
Sounds like you know a lot about it considering you've never been there,

Their website reads like the sites of every CPC that I *have* been to. If they're different, they might want to make more of an effort to show it.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbundantLife* 
Getting back to my original post, there is not much positive to say about a teen parent who is most likely dropping out of school, financially digging herself into a hole, and probaby raising the baby without the biological father.

I guess it depends on whether you think human value is rooted in any or all of the following --

a)amount of schooling completed,
b)financial security
c)marital status.

I believe the worth of all humans rests in the One who created us. This belief gives me a tremendous amount of positive stuff to say about each and every one of my fellow humans, regardless of their choices or achievement-levels. Our Creator deemed us worthy of the utmost sacrifice, well before any of us here had been born, or gone to school, or earned any money, or got married.

Now, I'm with you in believing that living and being adopted is better than not living. However, I think that any pregnant mama, of any age, who wants to keep her baby should have the support to do this. I believe it's best to keep this primary pair connected if at all possible -- as well as the Daddy, when feasible.

I understand that the reason some of these agencies are able to provide the help they do, is because of the funding from the adoption industry. I wish this weren't the case, because I don't see how such a program can be really neutral.

If one of my girls became pregnant as a single girl or woman, I'd want her to feel totally comfortable continuing to live with us for as long as she wanted to, rather than going through one of these programs, unless she really wanted to (and even if married, she and her husband and child/ren would still be welcome to stay if they wanted to).

Though I don't believe grandparents are obligated to change their plans and help out with baby-care -- I've always wanted to be a very involved grandma (and I looove those need-intensive early years), so I'd consider that my grandmother-role just got a bit of a jumpstart. I wouldn't feel resentful. But, actually, I'd prefer to help my child, the actual mother, stay home rather than sending her out to work while I babysat.

I'll admit that I hope my children are married before they start their families -- but regardless of the circumstances, I still maintain that a baby is a thing of joy, goodness, and love. And laughter. The blessings far outweigh the difficulties.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbundantLife* 
Why do you think there are no references to abortion? Of course, this is a Christian -run organization that does not believe in abortion.

That's what makes it a CPC -- and also impacts their neutrality and biased their counseling.

Quote:

If you are so concerned with these poor misguided souls, why do you not get behind the pro-life movement? Abortion is also an industry (your words) that hurts women.
I am 100% in favor of reproductive freedom, and I have very positive feelings about abortion and the importance of abortion rights for women who do not want to have a baby at any given time. I am also the founder of Adoption: Legalized Lies, a decade-old organization that helps young, single, and otherwise vulnerable women to raise their children. That's something I can be proud of doing.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
That place is obviously anti-abortion, but they ARE pro-adoption. I looked at the site for less than five minutes and found references to adoption under "counseling." They say they're neutral, but considering they also seem to be teaching that parenting is miserable -- a la "baby think it over," a program normally used to make teenagers think babies are awful -- I'd bet anything they're just like our local CPC: parenting is hard, say good-bye to your hopes and dreams (ie: we will say nothing positive about parenting here) BUT adoption is loving and unselfish, what a beautiful choice (ie: nothing negative about adoption).

All these places really care about is imposing their values on everyone they touch.


I have no problem at all with anyone who wants to discuss what the realities of parenting a child or children are with young moms. I wasn't a young mom and I appreciated those wise talks. Raising a child requires a willingness and awareness of the need to set your needs aside to care for someone who is amazingly and exquisitely helpless. There is a level of maturity one would wish for, ie that the mom has had an opportunity to complete the developmental tasks associated with her own phase of life, in order to assume such responsibility, but sometimes this doesn't happen.

It's an awesome and wonderful task to parent, and under the best circumstances can be stressful. I don't think anyone benefits from not knowing, to the degree you really can, what the experience might bring. Options for parenting are just that..options. Your agenda doesn't hold any water with me, sorry.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karne* 
I have no problem at all with anyone who wants to discuss what the realities of parenting a child or children are with young moms.

The only people who seem to have a problem doing this are the people at CPCs like the one linked -- they're the ones who limit their discussions to focus only on the negative aspects of parenting and say nothing about the positive ones.

I think it's very possible to give people a realistic look at parenting that includes the many rewards as well as the potential challenges.


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## CharlieBrown (Jan 20, 2004)

:


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## AbundantLife (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MaterPrimaePuellae* 
I haven't read through, but I thought I would add--
When I was waiting for a midwife appt at around 39 weeks, I heard the midwife doing the first prenatal check on a 13 yo in the room next to me (the nurses let her age slip to me while I was getting a blood check)... and it was NOT going well. The girl kept screaming "stop stop stop" while the midwife was doing the exam; I couldn't help hearing that the girl already had some STD complications and a bleeding, untreated yeast infection. Anyway, I was sitting in my room, thinking about how blessed I was to have a husband, great support, a good knowledge about how to stay healthy, etc-- but I heard the midwife say, as she was leaving the room, "Your next visit you'll have an ultrasound and you'll get to see your baby! Congratulations!" and she said it with such sincerity... she was celebrating the existence of the baby, not the circumstances. So yes; I would probably just say congratulations.


13 years old??? Wow, that is sad.


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

Quote:

Getting back to my original post, there is not much positive to say about a teen parent who is most likely dropping out of school, financially digging herself into a hole, and probaby raising the baby without the biological father.
I am not a teen or a parent, but as someone who left high school without graduating (and am proud of that choice), does not make very much money and most likely never will (again, a choice that I feel is right for me), and plan on never marrying (and I do plan on having children, and honestly having a relationship with my future child's bio father isn't very important to me - though it would be a nice bonus to have a loving partner/father), I find this statement very offensive.

I know plenty of parents of all ages who aren't college educated; who depend financially on their parents, or are in a large degree of debt.. and I sure know a lot of single parents.

Do you truly feel that a mother's education level, the amount of money she m makes, or her marital status are most important? Or predictive of her worth as a parent or person?


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhubarbarin* 
Do you truly feel that a mother's education level, the amount of money she m makes, or her marital status are most important? Or predictive of her worth as a parent or person?

That's how it hit me, too! There's just *so much* that's positive to say about *everyone*, regardless of those three factors.


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## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

I would say a definate congratulations, how are you feeling, etc...if she was planning on adoption, I would support her and let her know it was great that she was bringing this child into the world, and maybe ask her about her adoption process. I know a teen who went this route. She felt that this was the right thing to do, and she has no regrets.


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## kmeyrick (Aug 30, 2006)

I would take the time to find out all the info first. What if she had hoped her pregnancy would be kept private for a while? What is she's really upset about this pregnancy and people are just congratulating her left and right and just not "getting it?"

If you find out she's going to keep the baby and raise it, _then_ congratulate her and perhaps get her a sweet little baby gift.


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## AbundantLife (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhubarbarin* 
I am not a teen or a parent, but as someone who left high school without graduating (and am proud of that choice), does not make very much money and most likely never will (again, a choice that I feel is right for me), and plan on never marrying (and I do plan on having children, and honestly having a relationship with my future child's bio father isn't very important to me - though it would be a nice bonus to have a loving partner/father), I find this statement very offensive.

I know plenty of parents of all ages who aren't college educated; who depend financially on their parents, or are in a large degree of debt.. and I sure know a lot of single parents.

Do you truly feel that a mother's education level, the amount of money she m makes, or her marital status are most important? Or predictive of her worth as a parent or person?

No, these factors are not predictive of her worth as a parent or a person; however, they are predictive of her ability to provide for her child.

Who is going to support this baby? Welfare??


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbundantLife* 
No, these factors are not predictive of her worth as a parent or a person; however, they are predictive of her ability to provide for her child.

Who is going to support this baby? Welfare??


I think it depends upon the choices one makes, but I think one can have a very rich life without much money if one applies oneself to cleverness and minimalism. If you keep what you have clean and don't get too much, you don't have to make a lot of money to live well.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jessy1019* 
I'd bet anything they're just like our local CPC: parenting is hard, say good-bye to your hopes and dreams (ie: we will say nothing positive about parenting here) BUT adoption is loving and unselfish, what a beautiful choice (ie: nothing negative about adoption).

All these places really care about is imposing their values on everyone they touch.

You are exactly right.

I hate Crisis Pregnancy Centers. They do women a disservice by giving young women misinformation or selected information. Their goal is to avoid abortion at all costs regardless of lying or methods used.

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2...lated-by-a-cpc

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2...t-against-cpcs

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2...eive-dont-help

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2...license-to-lie

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2...llege-campuses

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2...wont-be-fooled

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2...fooled-by-cpcs

It also pisses me off that they don't give young women information on birth control. They usually counsel on biblical terms promoting abstinence, but ignoring all the other alternatives.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
You are exactly right.

I hate Crisis Pregnancy Centers. They do women a disservice by giving young women misinformation or selected information. Their goal is to avoid abortion at all costs regardless of lying or methods used.

It also pisses me off that they don't give young women information on birth control. They usually counsel on biblical terms promoting abstinence, but ignoring all the other alternatives.

Yup, and frankly, all of THAT is a lot "sadder" than teen pregnancy!


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Wow, those sites are really interesting. I've volunteered at a crisis center for almost two years now and haven't heard of such things. I wonder if it has to do with particular organizations or areas?

The one in my area requires the women to take child-care classes, apply for a job, take "life betterment" classes (for women who don't know how to clean, budget, eat healthy, etc) and get have a stable living area and insurance before leaving.


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## loitering (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
Wow, those sites are really interesting. I've volunteered at a crisis center for almost two years now and haven't heard of such things. I wonder if it has to do with particular organizations or areas?

The one in my area requires the women to take child-care classes, apply for a job, take "life betterment" classes (for women who don't know how to clean, budget, eat healthy, etc) and get have a stable living area and insurance before leaving.


I'm confused. "Requires" before leaving? What does that mean?


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## AbundantLife (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
Wow, those sites are really interesting. I've volunteered at a crisis center for almost two years now and haven't heard of such things. I wonder if it has to do with particular organizations or areas?

The one in my area requires the women to take child-care classes, apply for a job, take "life betterment" classes (for women who don't know how to clean, budget, eat healthy, etc) and get have a stable living area and insurance before leaving.

I also used to volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. They are not in the "business" of offering birth control because they are run by the local Catholic Church. (I personally disagreed with their stance on this issue) However, they did provide all of the above - child care classes, support groups for young mothers, assistance with acquiring insurance, housing, etc.


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## [email protected] (May 31, 2004)

I think every pregnancy unless their are serious social issues are involved needs to be congratulated and wished well. yes, the incidence of teen pregnancy has perceptibly increased - more so in tropical countries where girls menstruate earlier, sometimes around the age of nine years. Normally a woman's body to bear the demands of pregnancy is fully developed by the age of 18 years; it is recommended if one conceives a few years later still . I had conceived when I had completed 20. In western countries I learn under the impact of urbanization and almost all women taking up vocation out of home, the pregnancy is planned until a convenient time and often beyond the age of thirty. Well, the issue is how you take it and deal with it if one becomes a teen mother. Besides wishing her well, depending on the nature of relationship with her and the family, some words of caution may also be said provided there is a need for it.

Pregnancy among teenagers in my country is also becoming a matter of concern because, besides health issues, it causes, distraction in studies and quite often the girls were not married. Moreover, adventuring in sex at the tender age of 10 or a few years more can have serious mental and physiological consequences. Of course, thanks to awareness easily availability of family planning advice and techniques, the erstwhile phenomonon of simultaneous pregnancy in three generations - grandma at the age of mid-fortyor late-forty, mom at the age of around 30 and girl at the age of around 14-15, has truly becoming rare. Young girls need not mind their siblings (and even uncles and aunts) along with their own children whenever they visit their parents' place.
Uzra


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
I
This is a point that seems to be made over and over. Just because some of us wouldn't say "congratulations!" *to a pregnant teen DOES NOT mean we are shaming them or being negative or giving them hell or any of the other things mentioned so far.*
.

Nor did I say that. Maybe YOU don't shame young moms, but it's out there.

The reality is that many young moms are being shamed, maybe more than we'd like to admit. For example, after I had a miscarriage people told me the most horrible things.

-Called me a whore, told me I should have kept my legs close and it wouldn't have happened

-Told me I had nothing I mean NOTHING to offer a baby, not emotionally, financially, or in other way. Sound familiar???

-Told me my baby was a mistake that was going to ruin my life

...All because I didn't meet their age or education criteria of what they thought would make a good parent. Nobody mentioned TO ME that being loving or caring would make you a good parent. People seem to be extremely caught up in money, age, etc as if those things guarantee good parenting.

And that's with me being 20/21. I can't imagine how hurtful and disgusting people are being to moms even younger than that.

So I guess I used the word "shaming" b/c that's been my reality.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
...All because I didn't meet their age or education criteria of what they thought would make a good parent.

I hear ya! I experienced a lot of what you mentioned and I was in my early 20s with a bachelors degree already! I couldn't imagine the reaction I might have received if I had gotten pregnant as a teen still in high school.


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## DavinaT (Jun 28, 2005)

Jessy1019, if it was you who posted in relation to Adoption: Legalized Lies
could you please tell me more about the program?
As a woman who knows many mothers who gave up babies for adoption and adult adoptees who have been hurt by adoption (there are so very many here) - and indeed the often forgottne groupl father of hilden givne up for adoption - I would love to know more about it.
I personally believe in reproductive freedom also. The fact that I believe I would not abort does not endow me with the arrogance to assume I have the right to make the same decision for others.
We also have such programs / centres here and they have been exposed as rogue CPCs - mainly by the lies they tell to vulnerable women and the restrictive "options" they put forward. Now, unless an organisation is prepared to discuss all options with women - including their legal right to referral abroad for abortion, then they cannot be included in the government list of Crisis Preganacy agencies.


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## DocsNemesis (Dec 10, 2005)

I wanted to throw in here that I knew/know many many teen parents and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM went on to graduate from high school, find jobs, etc. Yeah, they may not be rich but they are supporting themselves and happy with their lives. Who is anyone to say they are failures by being teen parents??

BTW-I opted to drop out, I'm the only teen I know who did, but having my son had nothing to do with it. I HATED school and wanted to move on. My counseler at school even agreed with me. I quit school and went and took the GED test on my own (no classes before hand). I passed every single test with a perfect score, except math, lol. But I even passed the math test. When I finished I couldnt help think wow, why did I just waste 3 years in high school? I could've passed that test so easily...

In any case, I wouldnt say any of the teens I've met have been failures. None of us had a horribly difficult time of it either-yes, there were the logistics of school and childcare and income to buy the baby things, but adults have these issues as well. They had the typical work of learning to take care of a baby but, again, they didnt have a horribly hard time of it, their lives were not over, and I think honestly, a lot of them followed their instincts a lot more than some older parents do.

The one thing that has stood out to me is this: the teen parents that did the best had the most support from family, friends, etc. even if it werent financial or even physical support. Never underestimate the power of emotional support.


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## DocsNemesis (Dec 10, 2005)

Oh and btw, after I dropped out I went straight to college. I changed my program twice and finished my MA program and plan on continuing and eventually becoming a midwife, but thats on hold while I raise my kids


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## anitaj71 (Mar 1, 2006)

I haven't read all the responses but I was a young mama. I 'got' pregnant at 19, unplanned and when I told my employer at the time she said, smiling and happily " congrats!" I was confused and annoyed. I was still very upset and all I could think was, "what's there to be so happy about?"

I know she was just trying to be supportive but . . . at the moment I was feeling pretty crappy about the pregnancy and having a hard time accepting the whole thing . ..

a kinder "how are you doing/feeling" would have been appreciated.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
I hear ya! I experienced a lot of what you mentioned and I was in my early 20s with a bachelors degree already! I couldn't imagine the reaction I might have received if I had gotten pregnant as a teen still in high school.

ditto.









I was 26 when I conceived my first child, was educated, smart but had no job at the time so I used Medicaid and had to have assistance throughout the pregnancy AND I did work the whole time but I worked for a family member who paid me cash so I could "live" basically because no one else would hire me and pay me decent pay. I was also very young looking and small and most people who "saw" me judged me based on how I looked, because they didn't know my age. I would have had a good job but due to bad circumstances I had just lost a good job about a year before I got pregnant and wasn't married. I just "happened" to still be jobless when I conceived. It wasn't like I did it on purpose. I got a good job once I had the baby and could secure something full-time with benefits, paying what I needed. But while I was pregnant no one was going to hire me, at least not for a decent job.


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## 1972momma (Feb 4, 2008)

I guess I'm in the minority here, but no, I wouldn't say congratulations, mostly because I believe that would send the wrong message to my own daughter.

But I think an upbeat inquiry into how she's doing/feeling would be a "nice" response without getting into whether it's really congratulations-worthy or not.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I have two daughters, and I hope they'll wait 'til marriage before having sex and becoming mothers. However, I feel this is a decision they have to commit to (or not) within themselves -- it's not something I'm going to persuade them into by expressing disapproval or acting like it's the end of the world whenever a young girl gets pregnant.

The fact is, it's not the end of the world. It does usually mean a shift in plans, and often means putting some dreams on hold if the girl wants to do most of the direct care for her child herself while her child is small. Again, this shift may actually be a good thing in disguise, and a growth-experience.

So, while I personally think it's a little easier and less-complicated to wait 'til you're able to provide a 2-parent home, where possibly there can always be one parent available to care for the child, it's certainly not the end of the world if it happens differently. I'll continue to tell my children that babies are always blessings -- that I hope they'll wait 'til marriage, but nevertheless I'll always rejoice at a new life coming into the world.


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## maliceinwonderland (Apr 17, 2005)

Putting in my vote..I was 15 when I got pregnant with dd, 16 when I had her. I didn't get a single congrats, or anything positive actually. Ten years later, announcing my current pregnancy I didn't get a single congrats from ANYONE in my family. And it sucks, no matter what your age. You don't have to say "congrats" as people have said, she may be feeling confused/terrified, not know what she's going to do yet, but some kind of positive feedback would be great.

Ah well, since I never had any support, I can thank me, and only me for the awesome mother I've been


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loitering* 
I'm confused. "Requires" before leaving? What does that mean?

It is a program that mothers and their preborn/already born children can voluntarily apply for. The program includes temporary housing, food and clothing, classes, childcare, assistance with resume-building and interview skills, assistance with GED classes and education, legal assistance, etc etc etc.

The program requires signing an agreement to complete a GED or if highschool is completed, to enroll in college classes, to actively apply for jobs, to take childcare classes, to apply/find medical insurance, to apply/find permanent housing, etc.

It's a very in-depth program and has been an eye opener for me. I have helped women who didn't know how to clean a house, or properly feed/dress an infant. And of course there's also the tricky parts of life that I've learned about, such as applying for government aid/insurance/financial aid, finalizing divorce papers, custody battles, restraints, job discrimination due to being pregnant or having full custody of child(ren), etc.


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## kmeyrick (Aug 30, 2006)

I am an urban teacher where plenty, well actually most, of the mothers became so as teens. Would I ever tell a teen she's going to be a failure, this will be only negative, blah blah blah? No, not at all. You can still be a terrific mom with the right support.

But do I think it's fair to downplay or sugarcoat the hardships that come with it? I think that's just as snarky and cruel as the above. Here's what I have found in my city and school.

1.Yes, you will likely be reliant on public aid and work minimum wage jobs if you don't get a college education.
2.Yes, you will likely be raising your children on your own, and will be lucky to receive adequate, reliable child support.
3.Yes, it will eat you on the inside when you would love to send your kids to that summer program, that field trip, that horse riding class, and cannot afford to do it.
4.Yes, parenting is hard, and your freedom will be limited at such a young age. You will often have to choose what you would love to do and your children's best interests.
5.Yes, hot potato custody among your relatives is not good for the child if you choose to have and keep your child but not really raise it.

That's not to say I think girls should choose adoption no matter what, or always have an abortion no matter what. Some girls can rise above everything in my list. But I think to just say, "It's such a blessing, congratulations, oh this is just so wonderful!" etc is misleading and therefore cruel.

And as for the crisis pregnancy support centers, in my city at least they are predominantly parenting classes and resource center. To make the snap judgment that they are always pushing adoption (if so, they have a 100% failure rate) is erroneous.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kmeyrick* 
And as for the crisis pregnancy support centers, in my city at least they are predominantly parenting classes and resource center. To make the snap judgment that they are always pushing adoption (if so, they have a 100% failure rate) is erroneous.

And it's sad that more young people don't choose adoption.







I think it's likely going to be abortion they choose if they don't want the baby a lot of times and that's sad. I know someone in their 40's who had an abortion as a teen and has gone through therapy for it.

I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild. That would be even harder for me to grasp because of the emotional problems my child would likely have later down the road from such a choice. I would much rather my daughter say she is having her baby and I would help her in any way that I could. I feel that adoption could cause emotional problems for a mother as well if she doesn't go about it the right way, so having the baby is the best solution for the mother IMO. Because in either way the girl may decide to have kids of her own as an adult down the road and then will have memories of what could have been.







How sad for her.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
And it's sad that more young people don't choose adoption.







I think it's likely going to be abortion they choose if they don't want the baby a lot of times and that's sad. I know someone in their 40's who had an abortion as a teen and has gone through therapy for it.

I think it really depends. Did the person CHOOSE abortion or did they do it because they felt pressured into it by their parents and/or society. I know a few people who have gone through abortions. The ones who actually made the choice without any pressure tend not to have regrets. The people who really seemed devastated are those who didn't have an actual say in the matter. It was more, "You're too young and this is how it is going to be!"

I think the choice should be 100% up to the child. If my daughter were to get pregnant, we'd talk it over, but the choice would be hers. I wouldn't put any pressure on her in any direction. I know giving a baby up for adoption can be emotionally traumatic also. My sister was pressured into giving her baby away as a teen. She is still devastated all these years later.

Abortion, adoption, keeping the baby, etc... ALL have risks of severe emotional problems later in life. I strongly feel it should be the individuals right to make an informed/unpressured choice on which path they want to take.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kmeyrick* 
But I think to just say, "It's such a blessing, congratulations, oh this is just so wonderful!" etc is misleading and therefore cruel.

I think it's disrespectful to assume that a pregnant teen is looking for dissertations on "how it's going to be" from every. single. adult who happens to learn she's pregnant. When I've been pregnant, I haven't felt a need for people to give me their assessment as to whether I'd find it hard or easy. A simple "Congratulations, how are you feeling?" was all I wanted.

So I'd make myself available if the young person wanted to share her concerns -- but I wouldn't just assume that she wanted my unsolicited "take" on her situation, any more than I'd assume that with an adult.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild.

This reminded me of something. There was a girl who like me was working on her doctorate of veterinary medicine (DVM). We got pregnant around the same time.

I chose to carry the child, but she got an abortion. She came in school after visting her parents and told me their reaction, "YOU WHACKED MY GRAND BABY!??!" It was very serious to them, but we both laughed at that several times.

That was several years ago. I saw her not long ago. She has two kids now. I guess her parents finally got their grandchildren.









It worked out pretty well for both of us I think. She got her DVM, I didn't, but I got something to me is worth more.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild.

I would be very very sad that my daughter hadn't felt she could come to me; I would have been more than willing to take her for an abortion, pay for it, and take care of her after -- as well as help her feel empowered about her choice.

mammal_mama:

Quote:

I think it's disrespectful to assume that a pregnant teen is looking for dissertations on "how it's going to be" from every. single. adult who happens to learn she's pregnant.
No kidding! I know lots of people who have gotten pregnant and given birth in what I would consider bad situations, and it was not my place to give them a lecture on all the challenges they were going to face. I think the average woman -- whether she's 15 or 35 -- is capable of understanding when and why certain circumstances make their pregnancies less than ideal. Considering all the anti-teen-parent hype out there, young women likely have a better grasp on this than most others!

A close family member or friend saying, "Let's sit down and make sure you're going into this with your eyes open" is a far cry from a friend's mom or some other distant contact refusing to say congratulations and instead listing all the potential problems one might have.


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## hibana (Jun 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maliceinwonderland* 
Putting in my vote..I was 15 when I got pregnant with dd, 16 when I had her. I didn't get a single congrats, or anything positive actually. Ten years later, announcing my current pregnancy I didn't get a single congrats from ANYONE in my family. And it sucks, no matter what your age. You don't have to say "congrats" as people have said, she may be feeling confused/terrified, not know what she's going to do yet, but some kind of positive feedback would be great.

Yes, this. The first person to say anything non-negative to me about my pregnancy was the radiologist who did my ultrasound at 4 months. I don't remember what she said, but it was all positive and supportive. That meant a great deal to me.

Be kind and gentle to pregnant young women, no matter what you think of their situation. You may be the only person doing it.


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
And it's sad that more young people don't choose adoption.







I think it's likely going to be abortion they choose if they don't want the baby a lot of times and that's sad. I know someone in their 40's who had an abortion as a teen and has gone through therapy for it.

I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild. That would be even harder for me to grasp because of the emotional problems my child would likely have later down the road from such a choice. I would much rather my daughter say she is having her baby and I would help her in any way that I could. I feel that adoption could cause emotional problems for a mother as well if she doesn't go about it the right way, so having the baby is the best solution for the mother IMO. Because in either way the girl may decide to have kids of her own as an adult down the road and then will have memories of what could have been.







How sad for her.

Let just say that not everyone agrees with this line of thinking. All of the options have potential for emotional trauma.

I also wonder what parents would say to a child that chose to adopt their child out instead of letting its grandparents raise it? I know someone who is in this exact situation (as the grandparents) and are incredibly devastated over their child's decision to adopt.

No choice is "one size fits all".


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## kmeyrick (Aug 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I think it's disrespectful to assume that a pregnant teen is looking for dissertations on "how it's going to be" from every. single. adult who happens to learn she's pregnant. When I've been pregnant, I haven't felt a need for people to give me their assessment as to whether I'd find it hard or easy. A simple "Congratulations, how are you feeling?" was all I wanted.

So I'd make myself available if the young person wanted to share her concerns -- but I wouldn't just assume that she wanted my unsolicited "take" on her situation, any more than I'd assume that with an adult.

I think the honesty and frank talk needs to come from a teen's mother and counselor, not the neighbor listening over the fence.

A lot of the mother's in my school have a rocky, hard road to walk all because they had their babies five little years too soon. Makes a difference.

And working with middle schoolers, it's scary to know how many of them think having a baby will be a piece of cake, fun, a great way to prove you're an adult. It is NOT true.

I don't think having a baby in your teens is the end of the world, but I think you'd be a fool to tell your daughter that it won't be incredibly hard and more than they bargained for.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
This reminded me of something. There was a girl who like me was working on her doctorate of veterinary medicine (DVM). We got pregnant around the same time.

I chose to carry the child, but she got an abortion. She came in school after visting her parents and told me their reaction, "YOU WHACKED MY GRAND BABY!??!" It was very serious to them, but we both laughed at that several times.

That was several years ago. I saw her not long ago. She has two kids now. I guess her parents finally got their grandchildren.









It worked out pretty well for both of us I think. She got her DVM, I didn't, but I got something to me is worth more.


That's what I'm going through right now! It's really hard to have to come to work and school and see her. We were good friends (she was in my wedding, too!) until we went different ways. Now she can't stand to see me because I am showing. She tries to talk about "baby" things to me, such as kicking, OB's, baby clothes, etc, but it is such a strain on her it makes me feel guilty. To make it worse, I've continued my dual degree program with the same classes as hers and school was the reason she chose to abort, so it feels like I'm rubbing it in her face.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kmeyrick* 
I don't think having a baby in your teens is the end of the world, but I think you'd be a fool to tell your daughter that it won't be incredibly hard and more than they bargained for.

Well, I got the impression the OP was asking about what to say to someone who wasn't her own daughter, or her counselee -- just a teen girl she happens to know, I can't remember how, whether it's a friend of a daughter or a daughter of a friend. I was saying that I'd say something along the line of "Congratulations! How are you feeling?" And leave it up to the young person to indicate whether she wanted more input from me.

Actually, with my own daughters, the discussions about these issues are already happening with my 8yo. I believe in talking about things as they come up, and as my children express curiosity about various things (which usually happens way earlier than the teen years, in my experience). I can't imagine waiting for a pregnancy to have these talks.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

kmeyrick~ I understand your concern but lets face it the majority of hardships these mamas face are thanks to society and it's un-acceptance of not only motherhood in general but especially teen motherhood. I strongly feel society needs to change on this.

Adoption was pushed on me and man oh man that pisses me off still. Thankfully I have always been hard headed and independent as has DH. You know if people would spend more time being supportive and helping teen moms to see they CAN do it if they want to they wouldn't have so many problems. But instead they meet the resistance of others. What exactly does one gain by being so forceful with a pregnant woman? Very very sad. So I have major issues with the stress on adoption or abortion. There isn't nearly enough helping these mamas to realize they can very much raise their child. I totally believe in choice but when people are being so one-sided and forceful with a scared teen often times they can feel pressured to do what is "right" which isn't always right at all. Then again I am of the camp that strongly believes teens are young adults and should be treated as such- intelligent enough to make their own decisions and lead their own lives.


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## BunnySlippers (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbundantLife* 
No, these factors are not predictive of her worth as a parent or a person; however, they are predictive of her ability to provide for her child.

Who is going to support this baby? Welfare??

welfare supports alot of people, why is it bad to have it support a teen mom?


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BunnySlippers* 
welfare supports alot of people, why is it bad to have it support a teen mom?

Thank you!


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## loitering (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
It is a program that mothers and their preborn/already born children can voluntarily apply for. The program includes temporary housing, food and clothing, classes, childcare, assistance with resume-building and interview skills, assistance with GED classes and education, legal assistance, etc etc etc.

The program requires signing an agreement to complete a GED or if highschool is completed, to enroll in college classes, to actively apply for jobs, to take childcare classes, to apply/find medical insurance, to apply/find permanent housing, etc.

It's a very in-depth program and has been an eye opener for me. I have helped women who didn't know how to clean a house, or properly feed/dress an infant. And of course there's also the tricky parts of life that I've learned about, such as applying for government aid/insurance/financial aid, finalizing divorce papers, custody battles, restraints, job discrimination due to being pregnant or having full custody of child(ren), etc.

Oh, I see. I think we have different definitions of Crisis Pregnancy Centers - to me, they're just like a small doctor's office that administers pregnancy tests after thoroughly interrogating the potential mom, and talking about Jesus. A lot. It sounds like you run more of a home, right? It actually sounds really helpful.


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## BeeBee'sMum (Nov 27, 2007)

I have to agree with previous posters that it is important to get a feel for how the mother-to-be is handling the situation before offering congratulations.

ArielMomma ~ You may be happy to know that vet school -at least where I went - is a lot more family friendly now. My daughter was born at the end of my senior year (amid suggestions that she deserved a degree too, having experienced most of the clinical year!), and there were several pregnancies in each class during the time I was there. They are very good about providing respirators so that lab attendance isn't an issue, and allowing leaves of abence if necessary. It's certainly a step in the right direction, particularly for a profession that is now predominantly female!


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loitering* 
Oh, I see. I think we have different definitions of Crisis Pregnancy Centers - to me, they're just like a small doctor's office that administers pregnancy tests after thoroughly interrogating the potential mom, and talking about Jesus. A lot. It sounds like you run more of a home, right? It actually sounds really helpful.

It sounds as if you have had some bad experiences with organizations and/or volunteers in that field!


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## SheepNumber97245 (Apr 20, 2007)

I just wanted to add something again, to all the people who are saying you should wait to see how the mother is feeling before you congradulate her...

*The way a young mother feels about her pregnancy has A LOT to do with the reactions of others to it.*

If you're made to think on a constant basis "you're too young", "you ruined your life", "this is too much for you".... etc. It's _really_ hard to keep a positive attitude about it. There is absolutely no harm in congratulating her first. Then asking how she feels.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loitering* 
Oh, I see. I think we have different definitions of Crisis Pregnancy Centers - to me, they're just like a small doctor's office that administers pregnancy tests after thoroughly interrogating the potential mom, and talking about Jesus. A lot. It sounds like you run more of a home, right? It actually sounds really helpful.

I hear a lot about those, but I've never actually seen one (I'm not saying they don't exist, I just don't think they're as rampant as some people seem to think). All of the crisis pregnancy centers around here are like the one she described. All are very focused on helping mom do whatever she needs to to raise her baby (though they refer to adoption services if that's what mom wants) and are 100% upfront about the fact that they don't offer or refer for abortions. They're all religiously run and like the Catholic ones will have a crucifix on the wall or things like that, but I don't know of any local ones that are like OMG ACCEPT JESUS AND REPENT!

It's sad that a handful of UA Violations give them all such a bad name, they really do a lot of good.

Anyway, I was barely 18 when I got pregnant with dd1, and I loved my OB (horrible cytotec induction aside) because he always treated me like I would assume he'd treat his 40 year old mothers to be. Very respectful, didn't talk down to me, supportive and positive, etc etc. I think you can be realistic and supportive at the same time.


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## Daniel's Kitty (Nov 18, 2006)

I went to a Crisis preg center with a friend, she was 19 and married. They were great towards here. They asked once if she was Christian and when she said yes and she was looking into churches to go to they said they hoped she found something since it can be a great support system. It wasn't really pushy and now with #2 she still goes back to trade in old maternity clothes that don't fit for new. The person was exactly what she needed since her mother had just freaked about her having a baby with the guy she married. They did mention once that if she were to choose adoption they could help her with it, but it wasn't pushy at all. She walked out of there happy about her baby again.

I keep hearing about how bad these places are but I have come across several that are really calming and make the mom to be feel better about her situation. I think your experience will depend on the volunteer working with you though.

*OP* I am happy that you were able to handle the situation okay. I know that a lot of people don't even do well when it is a pregnant adult.


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

I haven't read the entire thread but did want to add my 2 cents as a teen mom (former teen mom?).

I got pregnant w/ DD 2 days after I turned 19. No, I wasn't married, but we were in love and so very excited. People (family mostly) gave me the pity looks, the soft voice of "everything will be okay" and one very close family member even gave me the 'other options' talk.

At a time in my life that I'd been waiting for since I was 6, it was heartbreaking for people to act as though this was a tragedy. I had to overact about how happy we were, constantly gushing so people wouldn't feel sorry for me, UGH. A congratulations would have made me







:

But, I do agree that it depends on how the mother feels.


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## anitaj71 (Mar 1, 2006)

Quote:

The way a young mother feels about her pregnancy has A LOT to do with the reactions of others to it.

If you're made to think on a constant basis "you're too young", "you ruined your life", "this is too much for you".... etc. It's really hard to keep a positive attitude about it. There is absolutely no harm in congratulating her first. Then asking how she feels
.








:

( says me, a former teen/young mom )


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SheepNumber97245* 
*The way a young mother feels about her pregnancy has A LOT to do with the reactions of others to it.*

If you're made to think on a constant basis "you're too young", "you ruined your life", "this is too much for you".... etc. It's _really_ hard to keep a positive attitude about it. There is absolutely no harm in congratulating her first. Then asking how she feels.

I agree with this.


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## DavinaT (Jun 28, 2005)

kmeyrick - Do your findings not apply to all mothers who are on very low income regardless of their age?

mommy68 - I really have to ask why you think its sad that more people don't choose adoption. Surely if a woman can keep and raise her child and we as a society can give her all the help she needs ot do this, this is IS a VERY positive thing.
However to compare abortion with adoption really ias not comparing like with like, IMO. I know from personal experience with many women that if aboption soLved abortion then there would be no need for abortion. All women with crisis pregnacies who could not raise thier childs would simply choose to have the child and choose adoption - they don't. To say that abortion would 'likely' cause emotional problems is not factual. Similar to adoption and as I pointed out, I know many people hurt by this too, if a woman does it for the wrong reasons, is inadequately counselled or goes about it in the wrong way it can have an emotional fallout.

"I'm wondering what parents would say to a child that came home and instead say they aborted their grandchild" - I am so sorry that you felt you couldn't come to me, If I let you down, I'm sorry but if this was decision you wanted to make on your own, I respect that. - That would be my response.

Crazydiamond, like the grandparents you knew, I would be devasted to think that my child went down the adoption route where they felt I couldn't provide the help they needed - be that anything from emotional support to raising the child within the family - by us if neccessary.

A program that pregnant mothers (I have issues with "pre-born" as phraseology) and mothers with children can voluntarily apply for which includes temporary housing, food and clothing, financial aid, classes, childcare, legal assistance and job-seeking, etc is a very very positive thing and is much like womens aid centres here. However CPCs here must now legally list all options open to women with a crisis pregnancy. Rogue CPCs are very much like loitering describes - including doing everything to disuade a woman from abortion, which might sound like a noble enough objective, but not when it includes, harrassment, lies, bullying, berating, emotional blackmail and other terror tactics.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SheepNumber97245* 
I just wanted to add something again, to all the people who are saying you should wait to see how the mother is feeling before you congradulate her...

*The way a young mother feels about her pregnancy has A LOT to do with the reactions of others to it.*

If you're made to think on a constant basis "you're too young", "you ruined your life", "this is too much for you".... etc. It's _really_ hard to keep a positive attitude about it. There is absolutely no harm in congratulating her first. Then asking how she feels.

Amen!


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbundantLife* 
No, these factors are not predictive of her worth as a parent or a person; however, they are predictive of her ability to provide for her child.

Who is going to support this baby? Welfare??


Well, who's going to support my baby if I got pregnant tommorrow? I'll tell you who: me, by myself if I need to (though I am currently in a committed relationship, and my boyfriend would contribute financially and also provide some childcare).

I'm not married, I don't have a high school diploma, and I only make 20 thou a year.

However, I have a strict budget, some money saved, and few expenses. I'm spending enough 'fun money' on clothes, books, eating out, etc every month, that would more than cover diapers and extra food, and even if my bf skipped town, with some reconfiguring I could scrape up the $600+ a month I would need for full-time daycare.

I know parenting is hard in many ways, but it's certainly *doable*. Even by young people or poor people.


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## kmeyrick (Aug 30, 2006)

I certainly think that it's doable, being a teen parent, but I have seen a lot of parents just not do it. For one reason or another. Rhubarbarin, you sound like an awesome, self-disciplined and savvy person to pull that off, and I wish there were more people like you.

But considering this girl may very well be planning on abortion, I think a knee-jerk congrats may turn out being cruel.

I feel bad that so many outsiders already know her business. Maybe she was hoping the whole world wouldn't know. I don't see why her privacy isn't an issue here.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kmeyrick* 
But considering this girl may very well be planning on abortion, I think a knee-jerk congrats may turn out being cruel.

But a new person is still a joyous thing, even if it's one you won't meet 'til the next life.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

Since most of these experiences are anecdotal, I'll add mine too.

When I became (unexpectedly, surprised-ly) pregnant at 21, 'congratulations' was not what I wanted to hear. Even when it was sincere, it felt, I don't know, overdone?

Most people said, similarly to a pp, 'Wow, that's huge. How are you feeling?' That gave me the opportunity to steer the conversation in any direction. Whether it was crying or laughing.









Also, when we discuss 'teenage' pregnancy, (unless this has been mentioned, I was reading quickly) there is a HUGE, vast difference between a 13 year old and an 18 year old. Literally a lifetime of difference... My two sisters are fifteen and eighteen, and even the differences there (maturity wise) are astounding.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nursemummy* 
Also, when we discuss 'teenage' pregnancy, (unless this has been mentioned, I was reading quickly) there is a HUGE, vast difference between a 13 year old and an 18 year old. Literally a lifetime of difference... My two sisters are fifteen and eighteen, and even the differences there (maturity wise) are astounding.

Yes but there are very mature 13 and 14 year olds. I just don't think we should sell anyone short based on age. My little sister is 14 and when I was her age I was waaaaaay more mature then she is now. Age is just a number and really no good indicater of maturity and definitely not worth.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:

Age is just a number and really no good indicater of maturity and definitely not worth.
I completely agree with you on age not being a good indicator of worth, but I still maintain (with exceptions, as always, people *are* individuals before anything else) that an eighteen year old will likely be better equipped to deal with parenthood than a thirteen year old.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

I would definitely say congratulations, ask how she's feeling...actually act interested and supportive, because she probably won't get that too often.


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## CompostMom (Jun 9, 2008)

She may be unaware that you already know. Be polite as you would normally do and take it from there. She'll aswer according to her comfort level of the situation. "Hi, how are you?" "Nice to see you again etc" You may also comment on how you feel as well and see what that brings out. I think she'll really appreciate the fact that you are a gracious host and that you try to include her.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nursemummy* 
I completely agree with you on age not being a good indicator of worth, but I still maintain (with exceptions, as always, people *are* individuals before anything else) that an eighteen year old will likely be better equipped to deal with parenthood than a thirteen year old.

But does a likelihood really make it ok to condemn the 13 year old? Even the attitude of "oh this mama is not going to do well" is condemnation. I say give her as much as a chance as the 18 or 30 year old. She just might surprise you.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kmeyrick* 
I feel bad that so many outsiders already know her business. Maybe she was hoping the whole world wouldn't know. I don't see why her privacy isn't an issue here.

Well, when I've shared the news that I was pregnant, I've assumed that it would be passed along since I never added an admonition of, "Don't tell anyone, I'm not ready for everyone else to know yet."

So, I don't think privacy would be an issue unless this girl has asked her close friends and family to keep quiet about it, and they're not respecting her wishes.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *magstphil* 
But does a likelihood really make it ok to condemn the 13 year old? Even the attitude of "oh this mama is not going to do well" is condemnation. I say give her as much as a chance as the 18 or 30 year old. She just might surprise you.

I agree with you. Again, I think it's highly disrespectful to sit in judgment over the wisdom of someone else's pregnancy. When I tell people I'm pregnant, it's an invitation to them to share in my joy, not a request for their assessment of my situation.


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## OhDang (Jan 30, 2008)

YES YES YES congratulate her!!! just because she is young doesnt mean she is stupid or going to be a bad mother.


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

Quote:

I certainly think that it's doable, being a teen parent, but I have seen a lot of parents just not do it. For one reason or another. Rhubarbarin, you sound like an awesome, self-disciplined and savvy person to pull that off, and I wish there were more people like you.
Well, thanks. I know I wouldn't have been ready to be a mom as a teen, myself. However I was abstinent at the time. And I am ready now, and I'll be a great mom however it happens.

My real point is that age doesn't have all that much to do with it. Yes, some people grow in maturity throughout their lives (a lot never grow much at all, unfortunately). Yes, some teens are basically babies. Some are old souls. I'm more responsible and self-aware, at 23, than people I know who are 33 or 73. Age truely doesn't have that much to do with it. There are a lot of just plain bad parents out there, but in my experience, age doesn't have much to do with it. I've seen a lot of 30 and 40-something parents who are unable to parent their kids. It doesn't seem right that they get a free pass from people's judgement and negativity because they were the 'right' age when they got pregnant.


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## kijip (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CompostMom* 
She may be unaware that you already know.

Talking to any woman about their pregnancy when they have not told you themselves or know that you know is just plain bad mojo. There's always someone who may have miscarried and not feel ok talking about it, someone who was never pregnant but just gained a little belly weight or is the subject of a rumor.


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

probably not that relevant to this thread exactly but:

Quote:

I've seen a lot of 30 and 40-something parents who are unable to parent their kids.It doesn't seem right that they get a free pass from people's judgement and negativity because they were the 'right' age when they got pregnant.
Its not quite true, 40+ parents often get a lot of negative judgement because of course they aren't the "right" age either.

Mostly our society likes to pass judgement a lot.

I think that there is probably an age range where more of the people in that age range are likely to be good parents, there is no automatic dividing line though around that median so even if there is a "perfect" age statistically to be a parent, are you going then to condem everyone that isn't that perfect age? (say its 28...so only 28 year olds deserve congrats? or perhaps 27-29 year olds? How about 18-38? Or maybe just perhaps 10-48 year olds? How about just anyone who is pregnant and happy about it?)

Statistical likelihoods tell you nothing about individuals and when you are talking to someone you are talking to an individual. They should be treated as one.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *avivaelona* 
Mostly our society likes to pass judgement a lot.

I agree completely, but I think that is really sad. If given the right support and circumstances, age doesn't decide what makes a good parents. I think a person's character is the primary deciding factor if they are a good parent or not.

Are they willing to put their old life behind them and focus on nurturing their child? 15, 25, 35, 45, 55, it doesn't matter. Successfully raising a child requires a person put their lives second. Some younger people will have more problems with money, school, job and the stresses of entering adulthood. Some older people will have problems having enough energy.


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## oranrene (Jul 19, 2008)

Ahhhh, yes, congratulate her - make her feel like the mommy she is to become. I can't imagine how I would have felt had people told me all the bad and not the good of having a baby. Nowadays, there are a lot of supportive groups for teen moms and options (parenting classes, child care so she can finish school, college, hot lines where she can talk to professionals who will help her cope with being young and pregnant, etc.). My husband and I were very fortunate. I became pregnant at 19 and was already living with his family (due to parental neglect from my parents). His parents, although were kind of upset at first I think, did a lot for us. Thanks to mom-in-law, I got EVERYTHING I could possibly need for my baby (stroller, crib, swing, clothes - just everything). They also encouraged hubby to treat me like a princess (haha - he has done that with every pregnancy I've had)







.

Obviously, teen pregnancy should be avoided, but if she's already pregnant, no sense in bringing her down about it. Pregnancy should be a happy time no matter how old you are. I think the more support you have during pregnancy, the more likely you will be a great mom!


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