# Love pats on the butt



## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Okay. Weird subject, I know. I've really been struggling to come up with an answer by myself so here I am to get your opinions!

My DSs are 3 1/2 & 22 months. In our home we freely "slap" each other on the rear to say "hey, hi, how ya doing" I chase my DC around the house saying "I'm gonna get your little heinies!" I pinch their little cheeks and say "What a cute little butt!" DH slaps my butt & I slap his. Not in a sexual way & the kids see this.

Anyway, so. A few weeks ago DS1 was playing on the playground and a little girl was climbing up the slide in front of him and he looks up at her butt and slaps it. She just looked at him and kept on playing. I ran over there and told DS that he can't do that to other little kids because that is her butt & it's private. I'm sure I didn't say the "right" thing but I sort of panicked because of some of the news stories I've seen about preschoolers/kindergartners getting in trouble _with the law_ for butt slapping at school. DS didn't do it again, just sort of looked at me like "alright, what's the big deal".

How do I explain to DS that it's okay at our house but not okay to do to strangers? It doesn't seem like the right thing just to say "no butt slapping ever" because we're just not that uptight about our bodies in our home, but I also don't want DS to get confused and get in trouble at school or elsewhere. I also don't want him to make other little kids uncomfortable.









What would you do?

ETA: He does know about "privates". If his little brother grabs his penis he says "No! That's my private penis!" So... there is some knowledge on the subject there.


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## Redifer (Nov 25, 2006)

We're butt-tappers here, too. LOL DH likes to joke that most people hug as a sign of affection, but we like to smack booty! I tap DD's tush all day long, and she'll run up and tap mine and then hug my thigh. Me and DH frequently tap each other's behinds as a sign of affection, as well.

DD1 is going to be 4 next month, and although it hasn't come up, we just remind her that butt-tapping is only for us 4 (DH, me, her, and DD2) to do to each other, and that other people might not like it. We explained it that our tapping is for family only, not strangers or friends. So far, she seems to understand... but I know with a 4 year old, it's entirely possible that by tomorrow she'll be at the beach or park smacking butts!


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Oh, I can totally see M doing that









We are unapologetic butt slappers around here


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

We are the same way. We love the tushies.









We just explain that we don't do it to others because some people don't like it and might get upset. Seems to have worked so far.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Cute. I'm not so much a butt patter, but I chase the kids around the house singing "I'm gonna get that butt of yours!" They love to squeal and run from me







. I agree that the best thing is to just let them know that butt patting is a game just for the family and not to play it with strangers.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Oh yeah, we're all about the bunnies here too







DD has had her bottom slapped by friends at school so I think bunnie whacking is pretty common  My DD knows that bunnies are private and she hasn't whacked anyone else's bunnies and I've told her when it happens to her to just ask the person to stop.

At this age, I don't think it's a huge thing. As they get older, if they haven't learned this boundary then I think it's a huge issue but truly, if a kid whacked my DD's behind in play, I wouldn't think a thing about it.


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## bellacymom (Apr 3, 2008)

HAHA! Sorry probably not funny but how cute! I wouldn't think twice about it if I were the girls mom but who knows there are all kinds of weirdos that think everything is sexual.







We pinch and slap booty's here too lol. How can you not when their are cute little baby butts wobbling about?







I even get my 10 month old to swat my three year old on the butt (clothed) and both of them think it is hilarious.


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Alright, I guess I was worrying for nothing!!


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Just chiming in to say that we're another family of unabashed butt slappers. Now, if I could get my 2 year old to stop _licking_ butts, we'd be all set!









I'd just go with the "don't do that to anyone outside the family since not everyone likes it" explanation.


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## vanauken (Oct 10, 2007)

Just another person agreeing that you ought to just let them know it's an "our family" thing. You could liken it to kissing: "we kiss each other, but you don't kiss everyone you meet, do you?" Some things are private, some things are family-only, some things are universal. I don't think that's bad for kids to know.

And my mom still pats me on the butt sometimes.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

I think this is just part of learning that touching other people without their permission is just generally not okay. We ask before we hug, kiss, etc.

At home, we know that family loves our hugs and kisses so we don't have to ask every single time, but with everybody else we make sure they don't mind, and respect their desires.

At the same time, we learn that we can say no to any kind of touch from other people.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bellacymom* 
HAHA! Sorry probably not funny but how cute! I wouldn't think twice about it if I were the girls mom but who knows there are all kinds of weirdos that think everything is sexual.









Bottoms are private. I really don't want other children patting my children's behinds.

OP, I think I'd tell your kids that butt tapping is for family only and that other people's butts are private and they may not like it. Just like we don't tickle other children / people because they might not like it. I think it's good to teach kids about respecting each other's personal space.

I think its' ridiculous for 5 year olds to be labeled as sex offenders, etc. but I think it's healthy to teach kids boundaries about appropriate and inappropriate touching, and keeping from butt slapping unfamiliar people is one of those boundaries.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Laggie* 
I think this is just part of learning that touching other people without their permission is just generally not okay. We ask before we hug, kiss, etc.

At home, we know that family loves our hugs and kisses so we don't have to ask every single time, but with everybody else we make sure they don't mind, and respect their desires.

At the same time, we learn that we can say no to any kind of touch from other people.

Very well said!


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## 2Late2BCreative (Jul 3, 2002)

Interesting thread....
We are a bum-lovin' family too....funny thing is that neither of our kids (DD 7, DS 3) do it to us or each other (or anyone else)...every once in a while DD might say to DS that she's going to get his buns. It seems to be just DH and me doing the bun-chasing in our family. And, DH and I don't "get" each other's bums. But...I do love pinching those cute little tushies...they are tiny for such a short time. I don't "get" DD's buns as much as I did when she was a toddler/preschooler.

It sounds like you did the "right" thing. Who knows what "THE right" thing is anyways. You seem to have a grip on it.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

We do it around here. I've just re-inforced the boundaries issues.

We used to do it when I was a kid....when I went to visit my brother this winter I made sure to get him once real good. Oh man, that was funny.


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
We do it around here. I've just re-inforced the boundaries issues.

We used to do it when I was a kid....when I went to visit my brother this winter I made sure to get him once real good. Oh man, that was funny.









Love it


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

we do it here too.. we even had a moment yesterday where my seven-year-old got a toddler's booty (who I was babysitting). I told her that we can't do that with people who aren't in our family and that have to be careful not to "go into his space". she understood and I feel like I handled it in a way that no one was embarrassed or offended. and the boy was fine (his mama and sis do it too).

we have discussed boundaries and what to do if those boundaries are crossed, as well as helping each other to feel comfortable and happy.

my take on it is that butt-slappin' will happen on occasion and that it probably isn't a big deal but it is important that we address boundaries and limits with our children (for everyone's benefit). I would be angry if another child touched my child's bottom and the parent didn't say _anything_ about it. I would expect for them to watch out for my kid's feelings and safety too.. just a simple "we don't touch other people's private areas.." should be fine... most kids can get that by three.


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## bellacymom (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBecks* 
Bottoms are private. I really don't want other children patting my children's behinds.

I said it wouldn't bother ME. Children are not sexual creatures so if another kid patted my kid on the butt at the age they are now or even in the near future I wouldn't think anything about it. Knowing my kid she would probably tell them not to touch her though.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Perhaps I will be flamed, but I don't think it's appropriate at home or out.







I understand that posters here do this light-heartedly and innocently, but I find it vaguely weird and I think it could confuse kids to have this be okay in some contexts, not in others, sorta in others.

(Can Uncle Billy pat your butt? For how long? How often? In private?)


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
Perhaps I will be flamed, but I don't think it's appropriate at home or out.







:

No flaming but, what do you find inappropriate about it?


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I edited my post to clarify a little. To me it's sort of "gray area" touch.


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
Perhaps I will be flamed, but I don't think it's appropriate at home or out.







I understand that posters here do this light-heartedly and innocently, but I find it vaguely weird and I think it could confuse kids to have this be okay in some contexts, not in others, sorta in others.

(Can Uncle Billy pat your butt? For how long? How often? In private?)


Well, the same thing could apply to hugs then. Or back rubs/back scratches (which are very popular in this house). Or any number of other normal signs of affection or play.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBecks* 
Bottoms are private. I really don't want other children patting my children's behinds.

I feel the same way. I know they're just kids, and I guess it's my own personal issues with it, but if I saw another child smack, pat or handle my kids' butts on the playground, I'd probably be upset. I'd want to remove my kids from the situation. I don't want to ruffle any feathers, I know it really is just me, and I certainly would not cause a scene with the other kids or their moms, I'm just not comfy with it. Lots of folks are much more comfortable with their bodies than I am, and I tend to be overprotective about my kids' bodies, too.

Just a different opinion on it!


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

I'm pretty protective with my kids bodies too but, I wouldn't see a pat on the behind as a huge issue. It becomes an issue if it's repeatedly done, if you or your child has expressed their wishes that their behinds not be touched etc..

But, I don't see it as any worse than say hugging. In my DD's class, there was a little boy who hugged everyone. Sometimes it made other uncomfortable or he did it over-exuberantly. At times, it bothered my DD and we discussed how she could handle it. When it didn't stop, I talked to the teacher and we got it under control.

But, a hug her or there or a tap on the behind at this age isn't a huge deal to me as long as the recipient's wishes are respected.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

lol, my family was like this growing up. My mom even did it when I was a teenager and told me that until I was 18 it was *her* butt.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

my 4 yr old DSD does this to everybody. she just did it to DD who totally fell down and hit her head.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

No, to me butt patts are in a different category than hugs. I guess I see the butt as an inherently fairly "private" area.

To think of it another way: hugs are sometimes appropriate in the workplace, butt pats never are.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

But, we're not talking about adults. We're talking about young children. Completely different.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Totally different in some ways, but not in others. We still teach kids that some areas of other people's bodies are off limits.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

I don't think anyone is saying that they're teaching their children that butting patting anyone and everyone you encounter is appropriate. I think the OP said, it just sort of happened and she was concerned what the ramifications might be.

Clearly, everyone is teaching their children appropriate touching, boundaries etc.... but, things are going to happen - a bottom is going to get patted, a kiss planted on a cheek, a hug etc... kids are affectionate creatures.

For me, these things don't freak me out unless my DD expresses her discomfort and the other child doesn't stop. Then I intervene. But, a quick pat on the behind, kiss on the cheek or a hug etc... aren't huge issues in my opinion.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

I think your own words are just right:

Quote:

it's okay at our house but not okay to do to strangers

He can get that at 3.5. There are lots of things that are ok at home but not in public/with strangers.


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