# BF is having m/c



## bullfrog (Feb 19, 2003)

Hi - I've written this post 2 times - I'll try to leave this one up.

My friend is having a m/c today. The baby is 16 weeks - so they can't do a d&c. They administered Cytotec last night and are going to start pit this morning. This is her 2nd mc this year. The first was at about 8 weeks.

She lives in the southwestern US (we moved about 5 months ago), we live in Toronto. She is however in Detroit right now - she takes her dd to a special school there a couple of times a year - her dd has CP.

Her DH is there with her and he's a really great guy - but he has an extremely hard time processing grief. His father died very tragically when he was a teenager - to add to that it was an accident that was very public and the media played it over and over on the news - and continue to play it when the anniversary comes around.







:

I want to rush to her side - but I cannot take the kids with me - so I'm going to wait until DH gets off work tonight and I'll drive up there, (about 4 hrs). However it's starting to snow here - I don't know what the drive will be like - so there is a chance I won't go.

I guess the long and the short of it is this - I'm just so sad for her.







The image of her having to labor today is just so sad. They are both so devistated and they are alone up there with no friends to help with their other 2 dd's.

Her sister is also one of my best friends - she's on the west coast and wants so badly to be there with her - but she has 3 kids and cannot get away either. She called me lastnight so upset, now I'm really feeling like I wish I had just gotten in the car when we first got the news.









Any suggestions? What do they need? What can we do to help from so far away?


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Yes, you can cry. That is so sad. Your poor friend. I remember when my friend was going through infertility and each time she'd not get pregnant she was so sad. When she finally emailed me that she was pregnant I burst into tears out of happiness and relief. I can't imagine how sad I'd be for her if she had to go through what your friend is.


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## frog (Jun 1, 2005)

Oh, bullfrog. I'm so sorry.


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## bullfrog (Feb 19, 2003)

Thanks everyone.


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## mmmummy (Mar 12, 2005)

i dont have any magic words (ive often wished there were such a thing,my own thought has always been that if there were,id give everyone their babies back..and my own!!) but i just wanted to say how sorry i am,and that i think you are a wonderful friend. so many people refuse to understand,or even ignore their friends loss or abandon them. i am glad your friend has you as her friend,someone who will be there for her (emotionally,physically).


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

I'm sorry, Bullfrog. For your dear friend and for you.









I have a dear friend that went through something similar when I had a newborn. I made a point of being with her as much as humanly possible while she went through this. Of course, there's only so much you can do when you have kids-and clearly with your distance from your friend it makes it that much harder. My only suggestion is to listen, listen, listen. And let her know that you are there. You may not think that calling her that 4th time in one day will matter, but a simple "I love you and I'm thinking about you" makes a big difference. Sometimes with a newborn, that's all I could do.


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## amberchap (Jan 14, 2007)

I lost my baby too at 16 weeks back in February. What I needed to most was someone to talk to whether it was about my baby or if that day I wanted to talk about anything but that. I had a some days where I was getting really depressed and it was nice to have a friend who I could call and help me work through my emotions and support me. Also I appreciated it when people acknowledged my baby. I received a few cards and notes and those were very special to me. I'm so sorry for your friends loss, she will be in my thoughts.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

It is wonderful that she has such a caring friend as you and horrible that she has to go through this.







If I were you and I could go be with her, I would go. But I've always been the "___'s in trouble-I'm driving 10 hours" person. It's harder to do that when you have kids and/or a job though. Call her tons if you can't make it. Plus, don't go if the weather is bad. She would not want you hurt on the way to her.

It's so sad when mamas lose their babies.







: Life really sucks sometimes.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your friends loss.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry for you, your friend and her baby.

I would say, just try to be there for her, even though it is not in person, just let her talk about her feelings, remember that certain dates may be really tough so she may need a call or just a reminder that you are still there for her. The holidays coming up will be a tough time, especilaay when you think about how far along she would be, etc.

Take care and hugs to you all!


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

I am very sorry for your friend, and sorry for what you are also going through.

You will both be in my thoughts.


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## bullfrog (Feb 19, 2003)

I just wanted to write a little bit again today. My friend didn't call back for a couple of days - I just kept calling and leaving messages saying that I loved her and was thinking about her and that she didn't have to call back - just know that I love her.

She did call last night. We talked for a long while - and I still wish I would have rushed to her side. She said that honestly she wishes that I had too - or that she had asked me to. She's not upset with me, even if she were I would hold no judgement or resentment about that. She said that she honestly didn't know what she was getting into once they told her there was no heartbeat. I don't want to reveal her personal details - I just want to share that I wish I had known that she needed me - or needed more support. I just sort of thought it was private between her and her dh - that they would cope and I would send flowers or something. Now I see that she didn't know she would labor - and I am a doula - and she needed a doula.

I'm grieving for her loss, I'm sorry for not knowing what to do - I think that if I write it down maybe someone will read it and perhaps will remember it if they ever need to, and perhaps they'll know what to do. I'm not so self centered to think that I could have made this 'better' for her - or that my lack of knowing what to do caused her more pain. Just that I would do it differently if I were given the choice, you know?


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)




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