# Children at parties - how do you say no?



## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

First, I have no idea where to post this. If this is wrong, please let me know!

~~~

Ok, as an AP parent I love my son. Truly I do. But I also understand that sometimes we all need adult time and adult activities and that some environments are not appropriate for children. However, some people are rather sensitive about not having their children invited places that should really be adult only. How to not invite but not offend?

Here's the situation:

So I'm hosting a baby shower with 2 friends. The guest list is looking to be a bit bigger than we originally thought. We were thinking 25-30 and it is looking like 40-45.

It is going to be at my house! That's a lot of people.

We're doing a traditional (think formal, elegant, china, candles, etc) ladies afternoon tea party and to accomodate that many people I'll be renting china, possibly using my own china to fill in, etc. Plus, my house is not child proof (my son is only 6 months) and 40-45 adults is one thing. Adding their children makes it way too crowded - everyone simply will not fit.

Additionally, I should add that many of the children who would be included are generally NOT supervised at parties and generally run all over without supervision from their parents. You know, mainstream parents who gather in a group, chat and drink and ignore the kids until it is time to go home? Yeah. I am NOT ok with that in my home. Especially around lots of hot liquids (I have those coffee urns with the pour spout right at child level that will be about the house at different tea stations) and very breakable dishes.

I've told my co-hosts that I would prefer no children for these reasons. I back up to a very busy street with no fence so outdoor activities is not practical. I do not have space in my basement or other area to accomodate a play area. I thought of hiring a babysitter and doing children's activities somewhere but I simply don't have the room.

Am I a monster? My "no-children" thing is not going over well so I offered to find an alternative venue but this will significantly increase the cost which has already almost doubled and I'm carrying the bulk of it (supplies & food).

What would you do or what have you done?


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

I've never heard of such a formal baby shower before - is that normal where you live?

Ime, baby showers are very casual, definitely not fine china and coffee urns. It just strikes me as odd to have a baby shower (as opposed to a bridal shower or other adult type party) without children, especially since it'll be in the afternoon on a weekend.

To answer your question, no I don't think you're a monster, I just think your idea of a baby shower is very different than most people. Either cut the guest list or find an alternate venue.


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## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

For that type of party, I think no children makes sense (though you could, perhaps, make exceptions for babes in arms).

The other option would be to have a different type of party (but with that many people, even that would be tricky).


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## lurable (Jul 23, 2006)

I would have allowed children--but---I would have made it clear that if anything- including your own personal property was broken or damaged, replacement is the responsibility of the parent. Also, I would be sure to mention that the house isn't childproof. If a parent would rather chase after their child than enjoy the party







, I wouldn't get in the way. On the other hand, if, as you mentioned, you are worried about mom's just ignoring the kids as they run amok, I would say that. You have already said no kids, so if you do decide to say "ok" I would tell them- I am making a concession here--please don't take advantage of that by sitting there as your children destroy my house or possibly hurt themselves!

Another idea is to hold it at another guests home. Maybe they have room for the kids to play?

Whatever happens- good luck!


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## Tilia (Nov 18, 2006)

We didn't have kids at my baby shower. I had about 20 people there. A few of the guests had older teenagers that were also invited. Some of the teenagers attended, and the others watched all the children at a home. But it was only about 10 children, not as many as it seems like you will have!!!

Maybe you could do it at a church with a nursery? Or just hire sitters to work a nursery and still do it at your house?


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants* 
To answer your question, no I don't think you're a monster, I just think your idea of a baby shower is very different than most people. Either cut the guest list or find an alternate venue.

We do throw some formal parties around here I guess. We're even encouraging hats and white gloves









We're already taken on a larger guest list than originally planned because the other shower (family is hosting a mostly family shower, we're doing mostly friends) wanted to basically not invite half the people to keep the cost down --- making for a very unhappy mom-to-be.

We want her to be surrounded by those she loves and she simply has a lot of special people in her life.

Laura, if many of these children didn't have a history of getting out of control I might be more inclined to try it.


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## oyemicanto (Feb 11, 2005)

I've never been to a baby shower that included children (except babes). I wouldn't dream of bringing my kids to an adult party. I don't see why it's a big deal.


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## 2tadpoles (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
What would you do or what have you done?

The way I see it is that you can't please everyone.

I've been invited to things before where children were not included. I either found a sitter or I didn't go. It's pretty simple. Personally, I think it's quite rude for someone to complain or demand that the host change things around. Maybe one of the co-hosts or guests who have issues with this should offer to open their homes for this event.

If a majority of the guests are the sort to ignore their kids for the entire time, anyway, I don't see why they just can't leave them with someone else while they attend the party.


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## 2tadpoles (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cgmom* 
I've never been to a baby shower that included children (except babes).

Neither have I.


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

You really see a baby shower as an adult party? Wow. (I'm not being sarcastic, it's just totally different than how I see it)


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## Blue Dragonfly (Jun 19, 2005)

I think that is a great idea. Its so important to have grown up time. Perhaps you can phrase your invitations to indicate it will be a formal event? Maybe you could also arrange for child care at someone else's house if someone is unable to find childcare?

It sounds like a lovely party


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cgmom*
_I've never been to a baby shower that included children (except babes)._


Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tadpoles* 
Neither have I.

Ditto


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants* 
You really see a baby shower as an adult party? Wow. (I'm not being sarcastic, it's just totally different than how I see it)

Yep. And come on, how many kids really want to sit through an English tea service? They don't. They'll be bored out of their minds.

It is about the mom-to-be getting ready and being surrounded by her female friends. One last adult party.

And we are serving alcohol as well which also strengthens my "no kids" rule idea.


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## mommystinch (May 18, 2004)

I guess the big question is what does the guest of honor want? My shower, as well as the one I'm hosting for my best friend both included dads and kids. That's just how we wanted things. I would never want kids to be not invited for something for me. If the mom to be is the same way, then she'd probably be more than happy to give up the fancy party to have something more accomodating. I'm sure she doesn't want you to go broke throwing her a party. If she feels strongly about not having kids there, it will be a bit easier to explain to the guests, as it would be the mom's wish. But, you still have to be prepared for hurt feelings or some people deciding not to come.


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
Yep. And come on, how many kids really want to sit through an English tea service? They don't. They'll be bored out of their minds.

It is about the mom-to-be getting ready and being surrounded by her female friends. One last adult party.

And we are serving alcohol as well which also strengthens my "no kids" rule idea.

Can I come?!?









Do you think the invitation will be clear enough for most people? From the description alone, I hope I'd be clued in enough not to bring my kids!!


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
Yep. And come on, how many kids really want to sit through an English tea service? They don't. They'll be bored out of their minds.

Sorry, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this, and have decided this must be a class issue. No one in my family or close circle of friends would even know what an English tea service is, much less throw one for people and encourage them to wear hats and gloves.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tadpoles* 
Neither have I.

Nor I - maybe it's a regional thing?


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## Jwebbal (May 31, 2004)

I am throwing a shower for a friend. I also prefer no children (though small babies are totally welcome), and for me it's just a matter of two things. One I have a small home, and if children could come then that would totally limit the number of moms who could come. Second, it's much harder to get that supportive woman atmosphere with kids there. While I love having my child at most things, when he and others his age or older (he is 3) are present I would have a hard time focusing on the thing at hand, a mother about to give birth. She deserves my full attention, and if my child isn't there I am much more able to do that.

We are going to do another shower for her where her daughter and everyone else's children are totally welcome, but she really wanted a traditional shower, and a traditional shower (at least in my area) does not include children. So we are doing the traditional shower, and the one including children. Having no children present will also make having more elegant food and beverages possible. As well as like I said, putting everyone's focus on the mother to be, and not so much on the well being of their own children. At this point in my mothering career a little woman only time is definitely needed.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants* 
Sorry, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this, and have decided this must be a class issue. No one in my family or close circle of friends would even know what an English tea service is, much less throw one for people and encourage them to wear hats and gloves.









Most of my friends would love it. How often do you have an excuse to dress up with hats and gloves? It's like children playing dress up and having a tea party







It sounds like a great party to me, wish I was going!

I have no problem wrapping my brain around the idea of a child free party. I hope the day never comes when I do.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennifer3141* 
Can I come?!?









Do you think the invitation will be clear enough for most people? From the description alone, I hope I'd be clued in enough not to bring my kids!!


you can come if you want to make the drive!









see, I'm not ordering the invitations - another friend is, the one who said we should have kids there. agreeing on the wording is going to be tricky.


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## MOMGOTSPUNK (Dec 16, 2005)

I would encourage you to stick with your plan of no children. I am related to a number of people that are of the mind set to show up to something and then just talk etc. while your children run around like wild animals. I was very disappointed that this was the case at my baby shower. One child went so far as to sit in the seat of honor where I was supposed to sit and made fun of me when I told him that he had to move. I would have much prefered a more low-key atmosphere where I was not being stressed out by other people's children and their lack of care when it came to what their children were doing.

Stick with your plan of no children at the Baby Shower, I wish you had planned mine as well.







:


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I have no problem wrapping my brain around the idea of a child free party. I hope the day never comes when I do.

It's not something I had ever heard of until I started posting online as an adult - it's simply not done in my family/social circle. Everything is co-ed and casual and everyone in the family is invited. Period. That's the frame of reference I'm using. There's no need to be snippy about it.


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## lrlittle (Nov 11, 2005)

At this point in my life I probably wouldn't go to a party like that where DS wasn't invited. Would you get a lot of no-shows because of the policy? Just something to think about...

Actually now that I think about it I was invited to something recently....I think the evite says she's going to have a babysitter there to play with the kids upstairs or something like that.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants* 
It's not something I had ever heard of until I started posting online as an adult - it's simply not done in my family/social circle. Everything is co-ed and casual and everyone in the family is invited. Period. That's the frame of reference I'm using. There's no need to be snippy about it.

Not snippy, just different experience than yours, I guess. Around here we do like to have get togethers that don't include children, where we relax and have uninterrupted adult conversation, nice food geared to adults, and nice drinks. I find it wonderful for recharging my batteries, and enjoy them very much.


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## frog (Jun 1, 2005)

I totally understand wanting to have the occasional adults only party, but I just wanted to weigh in as one who's never been to a baby shower that didn't include children--wait, that's not true. When I was 19, my college roommate had a baby and we threw her a shower. She was the first of our group to have a child, so there were no kids at that one, now that I think about it.

I don't understand the allure of a fancy baby shower at all.

What does the mom-to-be want? How about the other hosts?


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frog* 
What does the mom-to-be want? How about the other hosts?

The mom-to-be has requested that two girls be invited. That excludes a LOT of children.

The other hosts do not, so far, seem to want to come out and say "no children"

I've replied that it is simply my comfort level with hosting an event in my home and that if they think it will be a problem I'm open to other venue ideas. I've said that twice now and no one is offering to host or pay for renting a place yet insisting that children shouldn't be outright excluded.







:


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
The mom-to-be has requested that two girls be invited. That excludes a LOT of children.

The other hosts do not, so far, seem to want to come out and say "no children"

I've replied that it is simply my comfort level with hosting an event in my home and that if they think it will be a problem I'm open to other venue ideas. I've said that twice now and no one is offering to host or pay for renting a place yet insisting that children shouldn't be outright excluded.







:

The problem shouldn't even arise if people could get it through their heads that the person whose name is on an invitation is the invitee - not the whole family or any random members of it they choose to bring.

This is a pet peeve of mine. It is so thoughtless and shows a complete disregard for the person organizing the event.


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## pumpkin (Apr 8, 2003)

Baby Showers I have attended have always either been formal tees with only adult women or coed casual parties with children included.

I really think the other hosts either need to agree to having a much more casual party at another venue or just stick with the idea of a formal tea. OP, I don't think you are being the bad guy here.


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

i agree that if you're having a formal tea, it's not a place for children.


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## FancyPants (Dec 25, 2004)

If you don't mind babies, I think I'd word it something like:

"This is a very formal affair, so babes in arms only please - fine china, scalding hot tea and mobile children are not a good combination!"

or if not,
"This is a very formal affair, so only invited adults please - fine china, scalding hot tea and mobile children are not a good combination!"

and, it being me, I'd simply tell the mom-to-be that I'd love to host but _only_ if there are NO children. You are already at capacity with the adults you have invited. Also, frankly, it is your home and you are being quite gracious to do this, it is reasonable to set some limits at the outset. In another venue the shower committee could discuss it ad nauseum but you are the one hosting. You set the limit to what people can demand you provide for them.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I think it's not about whether it's okay to have a baby shower without children or a formal party without children. If you are unwilling to have children at the party at your house, you need to say that to the other hosts. This seems to be a communication problem between you and the other hosts. Perhaps they had something less formal (breakable) in mind when you started to plan the party?

I respect your right to do that if the guest of honor is comfortable with it and the other folks paying for the party agree. If they don't, you may just have to withdraw your offer to host.

I haven't been to a party without my kids since dd1 was born. And I know my way around a formal tea. I'd send a nice card and go to the park with my kids.


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Quote:

The mom-to-be has requested that two girls be invited. That excludes a LOT of children.

The other hosts do not, so far, seem to want to come out and say "no children"

I've replied that it is simply my comfort level with hosting an event in my home and that if they think it will be a problem I'm open to other venue ideas. I've said that twice now and no one is offering to host or pay for renting a place yet insisting that children shouldn't be outright excluded
I don't see what the problem is. Word the invitations like this:

*Due to space limitations, this is an adults-only gathering. Please RSVP by XXX date to only ONE PHONE NUMBER*

Multiple phone numbers for acceptance means more people will show up because the different gals accepting the RSVPs will always figure, "Oh, it's just one or two extras...nobody will mind..." Multiply that by several people you'll have, perhaps, 10+ extra guests! *One phone number, one gal handling the RSVPs!!!*

When they call to accept, tell them you've got them marked down as "1" or "2" guests (whatever the number that was on the invite list for their name) and thank them for calling. If they ask about bringing the children, "Oh, sorry, it was on the invites. There just isn't room for 45 adults AND children at the shower. We're making this a fun and fancy grown-up party. Can you still make it without the children?"

Either they'll make other arrangements or they'll refuse.

Expect to have a few upset responses. That's life, get over it. Sometimes, children just aren't part of EVERY gathering!

By the way, you can't very well invite two girls and no others. It's an all or neither type of situation! You can't pick and choose which children can come without offending people. Ask the mom-to-be why those two girls and explain the problem with inviting just those two. She should understand and accept the fact that they simply can't be invited without offending those that are told they can't bring their little ones!

Now, know that, no doubt, someone will show-up with their children in tow. It is inevitable. When they do, be polite, remind them about the wording on the invite and explain that there really isn't any room for children. Be firm about this! If you allow them to stay, I promise you'll have a bunch of angry (quietly, but still) guests that will wonder why it's okay for THOSE children but not mine?







: Expect tension in the house immediately.

I completely understand having a no-children party. Children SHOULDN'T be expected at every gathering, imo.

I do not understand having a shower at a person's home for 45 people! It sounds awful. No time for sharing nice stories and having small talk with the mom-to-be, which, I believe, is what a shower is supposed to be.

But, then, I hate showers of any kind, bridal OR baby! I always RSVP "regrets" and send or deliver a gift before the date.


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

Are you doing formal invitations (like engraved)? If that's the case I'd word it something like

_Please join us for a formal tea to honor x at x at x._ Etc.

A very formal invitation shouldn't have lots of details about no kids, hot coffee, etc.

However, I'd include a separate piece of paper (maybe on the flip side of the driving directions?) with a note saying something like _"If you will require child care during this adults only event, please let us know the number and ages of your children when you RSVP. Sitters will be available upstairs during the party."_

Or, if having somebody watch the kids upstairs, in the basement, or in a tent on the lawn is just not a practicality, you could word it differently: _"Due to the formal nature of this event, we regret that it will be for adults only."_ (elaborate as you wish, but really, this is sufficient)

If the invitation is not so very strictly formal (although based on the type of event you are throwing it sounds like it will be) you can include this right in the main invite, but I definitely wouldn't put those sort of instructions on a formal invitation.

And, for the record, I think the baby shower sounds lovely.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Your idea of a formal shower sounds lovely to me. I assume this is women-only? So in most cases the fathers would be available to look after the children. However, I agree with the PP that it's either no children or children allowed. It sounds awkward to allow a certain 2 children to come. Are those two somehow closer relatives to the guest of honor? If so it's probably OK - you're just limiting it to a certain degree of relations.

Another alternative is to put one of the other hostesses in charge of finding enterainment for the children. Like drumming up some teen agers who would be in charge of taking the kids to a park or something. Could the fathers plan a special kid outing to indoor gym?


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## TypingMJ (Nov 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grahamsmom98* 
When they call to accept, tell them you've got them marked down as "1" or "2" guests (whatever the number that was on the invite list for their name) and thank them for calling. If they ask about bringing the children, "Oh, sorry, it was on the invites. There just isn't room for 45 adults AND children at the shower. We're making this a fun and fancy grown-up party. Can you still make it without the children?"
.









:

This party is being held in *your* house, so you most certainly have the right to restrict the guest list. People will try to make you feel guilty about it. Don't let them.

If I'm reading your post correctly, this party is a ladies luncheon, which would also exclude gentlemen along with children. Address the invitation to the woman you are inviting, and call the party a "ladies luncheon" on the invitation. This should help get the message across. Those who don't understand will be corrected when they call to RSVP.

If you need a hand with wording the invite, please feel free to PM me. Before I became a SAHM I worked in the bridal industry and handled thousands of invitation orders for all types of events.

Best of luck with your party, sounds like it's going to be lovely!


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

This must be a regional thing...

Children were always invited (and welcomed) to all the baby showers I have attended...including my own.

I think having the children there makes it more exciting and fun.

Honestly, I've never heard of such a formal Baby Shower before. It sounds like fun.

Around here, not everyone can afford a Baby sitter so you stand the chance of losing out on that Person's Presence.

If I had said "No children allowed" to *my* Baby Shower, I would have had *1* guest







seriously...


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## Jwebbal (May 31, 2004)

Do anyone's husbands ever watch their children? Why would a sitter be necessary? I mean obviously some have different work schedules, but for those partners who would be home? Just take them to the park.


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## Jwebbal (May 31, 2004)

oh, and I don't include nursing babies who aren't walking yet in that, those little ones are more than welcome to anything I have.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jwebbal* 
Do anyone's husbands ever watch their children? Why would a sitter be necessary?

DH is DS's Primary Caregiver so I *would* leave DS at home with him. If he had to work that day and it was a "No Chilren Allowed"-type party then I would just stay home with DS.


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## Individuation (Jul 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants* 
To answer your question, no I don't think you're a monster, I just think your idea of a baby shower is very different than most people.

No, she basically described most of the baby showers I've been to that weren't at restaurants. Babies up to lap age were brought along, toddlers and older were not (except in the occasional case of, like, a sedate eight-year-old girl who was really into babies or something).

I would explain the situation, and allow small babies.

ETA: Oh, and, um, will you please plan my baby shower for me? It sounds wonderful...


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lrlittle* 
At this point in my life I probably wouldn't go to a party like that where DS wasn't invited. Would you get a lot of no-shows because of the policy?

Me either, plus, I'd be thinking about him the whole time...I'm sure my presence would be a drag on the rest of the guests so it would be best if I stayed home.


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## amyb15 (Jan 10, 2007)

i usually just let them go. the more I push them to go party, the less they want to. It's weird


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

I think your party sounds lovely!! I wish I were invited









I agree that "no children" sounds like the only way to go for the kind of party you are hosting. If people don't like it, they don't have to come. I guess if the issue is getting the message across that children are not invited, the way Grahamsmom said sounds like it would work. Although I think it's unfair to put that burden on you and your co-hosts. It seems like if the invite specifies that "so-and-so" is invited, as opposed to "so-and-so and family", "--and guest", etc, that it would be clear. But just to be on the safe side I would go with the RSVP plan Grahamsmom mentioned.

I have never been to a shower that included men or children, btw. I guess things just vary depending on region or local tradition.

Enjoy your party!!!


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## amyb15 (Jan 10, 2007)

no need for a sitter. get the husband! it works just fine.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 

I've replied that it is simply my comfort level with hosting an event in my home and that if they think it will be a problem I'm open to other venue ideas. I've said that twice now and no one is offering to host or pay for renting a place yet insisting that children shouldn't be outright excluded.







:


Ugh--that would really frusterate me! I hope it turns out OK.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
Additionally, I should add that many of the children who would be included are generally NOT supervised at parties and generally run all over without supervision from their parents. You know, mainstream parents who gather in a group, chat and drink and ignore the kids until it is time to go home? Yeah. I am NOT ok with that in my home.

Not to pick on you, or anything, but I don't think that is just a mainstream thing. In fact, I think that AP practitioners are accused of doing the same thing sometimes. Some of the Continuum Concept or benign neglect or non-coercive principles end up with kids doing things I would rather they not do in my home, at least when it is a big group of them. Speaking of my personal experience, and I don't have a problem with it on a philosophical level or even on a practical level in some settings, I just know what I can and cannot handle. I hosted an API potluck at my house and spent the entire time in the basement supervising the kids because it was like Lord of the Flies down there, and it wasn't acceptable to me for them to be playing on my treadmill and using it as a ride for the little kids. I figured I was just too uptight and the limit should be on me not hosting parties, so I don't.

In any event, I think your party sounds lovely and I can completely understand where you are coming from with this. What I would like (for myself) if I were throwing a party is for parents to make the decisions themselves about whether or not this is something their child can handle, and whether or not they are prepared to leave if that is what needs to happen. Like I think my almost 8 year old might really enjoy a formal tea party--we've done them before--but I also know that her mood is unpredictable and if she was in a bad mood and wasn't cooperative, that would stress me out and I wouldn't want to stay at the party because I would feel we were being disruptive. So I might just leave her at home. In a perfect world I feel like this could happen, but on a practical level we all have different standards and there can be hurt feelings and broken things. I think it's quite possible that the hard feelings if you have children there and things go wrong are potentially more damaging than if you were to exclude children outright. I've been on both sides of this issue many times and still haven't been able to resolve things perfectly.


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## sleet76 (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:

Do anyone's husbands ever watch their children? Why would a sitter be necessary? I mean obviously some have different work schedules, but for those partners who would be home? Just take them to the park.
There are lots of people whose husbands cannot watch the children. At my baby showers, and those of my friends, most of our husbands could not reliably watch our children by plan. We were all medical resident families with husbands that were on call or at work a lot of the time--even on the weekends. And if they happened to be home--they could be called in at any time and need to leave immediately. So, for all the baby showers we had, they were casual and kids were invited, too. A no-kid invitation would have forced many of us to have a babysitter on call, or at home with DH just in case. (that is if I didn't want to have to take a chance on having to leave the party on a moment's notice) With a large group of women friends in our childbearing years--this adds up to a lot of showers. With little income, and without any family nearby for most of us, it would be hard to afford a sitter once every couple of months to attend a shower.

I'm totally not saying that a no-children party is inappropriate at all--just clarifying why it could be an extra problem for some people. Even those with responsible, loving daddies to share the load. The shower in question here sounds fabulously fun. I'd love to attend. I do recommend standing your ground on the no-kid issue, though. I can say that I'd have a terrible time coming with my son in tow--he'd have the whole place torn up even if I was right on top of him! Being in the same house with him and breakable things---nightmare!!!


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viola* 
Not to pick on you, or anything, but I don't think that is just a mainstream thing. In fact, I think that AP practitioners are accused of doing the same thing sometimes. Some of the Continuum Concept or benign neglect or non-coercive principles end up with kids doing things I would rather they not do in my home, at least when it is a big group of them.









I was going to say the same thing when I saw the OP's comment about "mainstream" families letting their children run all over. I have seen that just as much if not more often with AP get-togethers.

I still think she should stick to her adults-only plan and be guilt-free about it.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I've never been to a baby shower that _didn't_ include kids.

OP: You're hosting - throw the party the way you want to. If you let people know that children aren't invited, then you've let people know. They can find a sitter or not go to the shower. I don't see an issue. Nobody is forced to come. As another poster said - if these women are the type who completely ignore their kids the whole time, then it shouldn't be that big a deal for them to get a sitter. (I probably wouldn't go, unless it was my BFF or a close relative - but I don't go to formal parties of any kind if I can get out of it.)


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
The problem shouldn't even arise if people could get it through their heads that the person whose name is on an invitation is the invitee - not the whole family or any random members of it they choose to bring.

People might get that through their heads if it were always the case. Etiquette rules are largely lost these days, and that applies to many people doing invitations, as well as invitees. I was invited to a wedding last April - the invitation came addressed to me and dh. There was no specification of how many people were invited. We called my aunt to clarify ...kids absolutely were included, and my aunt laughed at the idea that we might think they weren't (which is what we thought, and why we called). There were about 80 people at the wedding, including at least a dozen kids.


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## hillymum (May 15, 2003)

I do not understand why someone would refuse to attend. If the party is female adults only, then the majority of children stay at home with their fathers. Is that such an odd concept, the father being with their child(ren) for a day?


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hillymum* 
I do not understand why someone would refuse to attend.

Maybe because they couldn't afford a babysitter or have no one to watch their kids?


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

This is a diferant type of party but....

Like most office parties, my husbands office party this year was adults only. (they did have a seperat family party) There are a lot of people at his office with children of various age groups. The party orginisers put together a list of teanage children of emplyies who were willing to babysit and sent it out to all the people with youg children. I thought it was a great idea.

Maybe you could put together a babysitter list and send it with the invites.


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

I just thought of an added benefit of emphasizing no kids.

That means that some people will self-select not to attend... which means that the guest list will ultimately be a much more manageable number. Both for the hostess (who didn't really want such a large crowd anyway) and for the general enjoyment level of the party (watching somebody open 45 gifts takes at least two hours!).


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hillymum* 
I do not understand why someone would refuse to attend. If the party is female adults only, then the majority of children stay at home with their fathers. Is that such an odd concept, the father being with their child(ren) for a day?

Well, I wouldn't go, because I'll use any excuse I can find to get out of a formal party...not my scene at all. But, there are also people whose husbands work weekends (I think the OP said that many of the dads involved here are medical residents on pagger - or was that another htread?), and people who don't have a parnter. But, I generally just wouldn't go to a social occasion that didn't include my kids.


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## rainyday (Apr 28, 2006)

I agree that baby showers are usually child-free because the focus is supposed to be on the mom-to-be. I'd find it very odd for someone to bring a child (a babe-in-arms is different and would be fine) because unless there are activities for the kids away from the party, they will be a distraction from the event. Very few kids want to sit quietly and watch someone open box after box of layette gowns, for example!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
see, I'm not ordering the invitations - another friend is, the one who said we should have kids there. agreeing on the wording is going to be tricky.

Since it's your house, I'd lay down the law with the friend who wants to have kids there. I'd just kindly point out that if she wants to include children, she needs to step up and host it. If you're hosting it, you do not feel comfortable including children, so that's that.

I've often see events referred to as "an adult afternoon tea party" or "adults-only evening." I've also seen "a semi-formal evening" but for an afternoon event, I think it's probably better to be more specific that it's for adults, not families. Good luck!


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## meisterfrau (Sep 24, 2005)

I agree that it sounds like a neat idea for a party and not an appropriate situation for children, but also agree with those for whom it is outside their experience to have children NOT invited to a baby shower, and I must admit it seems strange to me. Why plan an event to celebrate the arrival of a child from which children must be excluded?


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meisterfrau* 
Why plan an event to celebrate the arrival of a child from which children must be excluded?

That's a good point.


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## Jwebbal (May 31, 2004)

Because the focus is on the soon to be new mom and her soon to be child. I love my son, but he is a complete distraction. The focus should be on her, not on whether my child is behaving or not. There are parties and then there are parties. Some are just fine with everyone attending, children included, others are meant to be for adults. If I want to share in the joy of the pregnant mother and her soon to be child, I can't do that very well if I am chasing after my son and making sure he not pushing, that he shares the toys, that he isn't getting into things, or jumping around like a crazy man. All things perfectly developmentally appropriate for his age, just not appropriate for a baby shower where a group of women will be discussing birth, mothering, new babies, etc. I don't see what is so hard to understand. Seriously, unless I am with my partner (who can watch him at the party) if my son attends a party I need to be where he is so I can watch him and his behavior. Perhaps your kids are perfect, I don't know, but if my kid is there then I need to be with him and watching him, which means I am not able to be there for gifts being opened, discussion about birth, babies and new moms (which I LOVE), and frankly I don't want to miss out on those things. AS well as if there is elegant food, I don't want my 3 yo to start hogging cookies and tarts. Again, perfectly appropriate for his age, but not appropriate for all parties.


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## Mamato2and2 (Apr 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meisterfrau* 
Why plan an event to celebrate the arrival of a child from which children must be excluded?

I completely agree. I do understand both sides but in the end this quote wraps it up in a nutshell for me.


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## amyb15 (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mika3* 
I completely agree. I do understand both sides but in the end this quote wraps it up in a nutshell for me.

ditto.


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## Jwebbal (May 31, 2004)

You know, this is really starting to bug me. Exactly where am I, a baby shower host, supposed to put everyone? A shower with just 10 moms could potentially have more than 15 children. While my house can accomodate 10 moms, it can't contain 10 moms and at least 15 children, or even more (with partners coming to help watch children). A baby shower at a nearby park just doesn't have the same atmosphere, and no one else is volunteering to host. The expectant mother's house is smaller than mine. Besides, in March it could very well rain. What is so very wrong with expecting some mom on mom time without children? Not babies, running around children. Or if they aren't running around, just playing.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meisterfrau* 
I agree that it sounds like a neat idea for a party and not an appropriate situation for children, but also agree with those for whom it is outside their experience to have children NOT invited to a baby shower, and I must admit it seems strange to me. Why plan an event to celebrate the arrival of a child from which children must be excluded?

Because it may be the last time the mother to be gets to socialize without a kid for quite some time.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I think your party sounds lovely.

I think a child-free baby shower is reasonable. The focus is on the new mom to be, not trying to keep your teacup away from a toddler.

The last welcome-baby party I went to was for a woman who had a toddler. All the women in attendance had children. It was billed as adults only - women only. It was lovely. We could not have shared the stories, poems, thoughts and feelings that we did, had we all been looking after our children.

I am going to an adult only baby shower this weekend. I am really looking forward to some good conversation.


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## LeftField (Aug 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Nor I - maybe it's a regional thing?

I had never been to one where children were invited. I'm from Boston, but from a real blue-collar, non-Anglo area. When we moved to the South-east U.S., I discovered baby showers and weddings where children were invited. Back home, the baby showers were often formal parties with meals, although the pictures of my mother's baby shower showed it was in our home with just dessert items, still no kids invited. It's just a time for the first-time Mom to be surrounded by all her female adult friends and family. The attention is to be focused on the expectant Mom, undivided attention.

In the South, the baby showers I've been to (with kids) are really low-key drop-ins in the church hall with desserts. And they throw showers for all babies, whereas the ones back home were a rite of passage party for first-time Moms only.

My coworkers (in the South) threw me a baby shower with my first but no children were allowed. We did eat on china and we had Mimosas (non-alcoholic for me). But the person hosting was childless and made a big point about it being just for the girls.

Anyway, I do think it's regional.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LeftField* 
The attention is to be focused on the expectant Mom, undivided attention.

That's another thing I'm not used to. Most of the showers I've been to have been after the baby arrived, not during the pregnancy. I wonder if that's also regional...


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
That's another thing I'm not used to. Most of the showers I've been to have been after the baby arrived, not during the pregnancy. I wonder if that's also regional...

I think it must be, all the ones I've been to have been before the baby arrived.


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## mothragirl (Sep 10, 2005)

i've never heard of a childfree baby shower, but i wouldn't invite kids to a party like that. i probably wouldn't attend one myself, i'd be afraid of breaking something


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## Mountaingirl3 (May 21, 2005)

Most baby showers where we live are childfree. The one exception seems to be showers for a second or third baby. They are more casual, the mom-to-be's other kids are there, and there's a basement or backyard for play.

For a first baby, a shower is such a rite-of-passage. To me, it's about the wisdom and support passed on to the mother, the preparation for a huge transformation. My shower was lovely--my friends were giving me energy and advice for the birth and new motherhood. There's no way it would have been as special if their kids had been present. Then, it would have felt a lot more like all our family birthday parties, weddings, cook-outs, playdates etc.

OP, sorry you've got this tricky situation! Can you ask people to chose a date when husbands can watch the kids? Maybe all the husbands could take the kids to an indoor playground or something.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

First of all I want to say the party does sound like fun. Is it on a weekend? That way it would be much easier to get dh's to care for the kids.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viola* 
Not to pick on you, or anything, but I don't think that is just a mainstream thing. In fact, I think that AP practitioners are accused of doing the same thing sometimes. Some of the Continuum Concept or benign neglect or non-coercive principles end up with kids doing things I would rather they not do in my home, at least when it is a big group of them.

I was going to say the same thing


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grahamsmom98* 
By the way, you can't very well invite two girls and no others. It's an all or neither type of situation!


This is a big deal and shouldn't get lost in the thread. If you don't want kids, that's fine and you should just say so, but to tell people that this is adults only and that THEIR child isn't invited but then invite two children is a really, really, really bad idea.

BTW, the idea of china for 40 people sounds odd to me. I can't even image how much space it would take up.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sleet76* 
There are lots of people whose husbands cannot watch the children. At my baby showers, and those of my friends, most of our husbands could not reliably watch our children by plan. We were all medical resident families with husbands that were on call or at work a lot of the time--even on the weekends.

I'm sorry, I just read your post. I wasn't thinking. Not everyone works during the week.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mountaingirl3* 
For a first baby, a shower is such a rite-of-passage. To me, it's about the wisdom and support passed on to the mother, the preparation for a huge transformation. My shower was lovely--my friends were giving me energy and advice for the birth and new motherhood.

OMG...I wouldn't have even considered showing up for my shower if I'd been expecting that. When I had ds1, I only had one friend with kids, and my SIL became pregnant during my third trimester. Despite that, I was getting advice from people every freaking day for months...the last thing I'd have wanted was a social situation, with me as the "guest of honour", so that everyone could give me even _more_ of it. I like waiting until the baby arrives, anyway - he or she is the guest of honour, imo. It's a baby shower, not an expectant mom shower. That's just me, though. I haven't had a baby shower for almost 14 years, and have only been to a few of them...


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## Mountaingirl3 (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
OMG...I wouldn't have even considered showing up for my shower if I'd been expecting that. When I had ds1, I only had one friend with kids, and my SIL became pregnant during my third trimester. Despite that, I was getting advice from people every freaking day for months...the last thing I'd have wanted was a social situation, with me as the "guest of honour", so that everyone could give me even _more_ of it. I like waiting until the baby arrives, anyway - he or she is the guest of honour, imo. It's a baby shower, not an expectant mom shower. That's just me, though. I haven't had a baby shower for almost 14 years, and have only been to a few of them...

Well, everyone is so different! Support and advice from your sisters and 4 closest friends is a lot more meaningful than advice from strangers.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mountaingirl3* 
Well, everyone is so different! Support and advice from your sisters and 4 closest friends is a lot more meaningful than advice from strangers.










I've never had four close female friends, and support from my sister has consisted of "you're pathetic" (because she gave birth vaginally and I'd had a section) and "yeah, well - most women don't freak out about c-sections like you do" (after I had my third unwanted one, plunged into depression and PTSD, and joined ICAN). So...yeah...I'd say everyone is different.

I liked having a shower so I could get a few cute outfits (and my first cloth diapers - whoo hooo!) and have everybody adore my baby.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I have never been to a baby shower with kids. Babies, yes, but not kids. I am a huge proponent of children being included in daily life, and wouldn't have cared if people brought their kids to my baby shower. Hey, I don't have to watch them. But I certainly understand that it is a different vibe, and I guess that bothers some people. I personally wouldn't bring my kids to a baby shower just because I know that we'd all have much more fun that day if I got to chat with my friends and actually sit while eating, and they got to go run around the playground with Daddy.

How do you say no? You write "adults only" on the invitation. And when someone asks, you say "I'm really sorry, but this event just isn't appropriate for children."

And of course some people won't be able to go because of this. When you have kids sometimes you miss out on things.


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## jkpmomtoboys (Jun 1, 2004)

I've never been to a shower with kids either. They've all been adults-only and I think it's ok to specify this on your invite if you think guests won't know.

However, I do agree that unless the two girls are the only nieces, or some special relationship like that, it may be awkward to have only them around while everyone else had to leave their kids at home...


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jwebbal* 
Because the focus is on the soon to be new mom and her soon to be child. I love my son, but he is a complete distraction. The focus should be on her, not on whether my child is behaving or not. There are parties and then there are parties. Some are just fine with everyone attending, children included, others are meant to be for adults. If I want to share in the joy of the pregnant mother and her soon to be child, I can't do that very well if I am chasing after my son and making sure he not pushing, that he shares the toys, that he isn't getting into things, or jumping around like a crazy man. All things perfectly developmentally appropriate for his age, just not appropriate for a baby shower where a group of women will be discussing birth, mothering, new babies, etc. I don't see what is so hard to understand. Seriously, unless I am with my partner (who can watch him at the party) if my son attends a party I need to be where he is so I can watch him and his behavior. Perhaps your kids are perfect, I don't know, but if my kid is there then I need to be with him and watching him, which means I am not able to be there for gifts being opened, discussion about birth, babies and new moms (which I LOVE), and frankly I don't want to miss out on those things. AS well as if there is elegant food, I don't want my 3 yo to start hogging cookies and tarts. Again, perfectly appropriate for his age, but not appropriate for all parties.

Hell, yeah.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
BTW, the idea of china for 40 people sounds odd to me. I can't even image how much space it would take up.


We went to a Christmas dinner like this. (Kid's were of course invited). The hostess moved all her furniture out the room, and the table and china were rented. It was absolutely lovely.


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## RubyWild (Apr 7, 2004)

I'm of no help because, to me, children-free baby showers are an oxymoron. I can't make sense of welcoming a child into the world by excluding children from the party.







:

I don't think there's a way to do it without some of the invitees still feeling the way that I do.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

At DC’s school they word this kind of event (they have some meetings where the older kids don’t come) as “nursing children welcome” I think that’s a nice way to say it.


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## clane (Aug 5, 2005)

Most of the baby showers I have attended have been child-free. One exception was a toddler with a cold ripping open the gifts while the mother just sat and laughed. The mother to be was not amused at having the gifts for her new bundle getting sneezed on, etc by the toddler.

I think it is acceptable to have a ladies only event if that is what the mom to be will enjoy the most. There is definately a different atmosphere to a party when you add the children to it. As a mom of three, I do not assume my children are invited unless I am specifically asked to bring them. If I can not go without them (hubby at work, nursling, sick child just wants mom, etc) then I do not go. Real life=missing the parties sometimes, kwim?


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

How do you say no? Easy. You sit down with the other women you are co-hosting with and say "We are inviting 40 people. That is an absolute maximum for what my house can hold. We can NOT add children to that number. If you feel strongly that we should - even though it is clearly a fancy event with breakable china and nothing the least bit entertaining for little kids - I am glad to switch locations to YOUR house."

It really is as simple as that. Everyone knows that some events are for adults only - even if they don't like it. This is clearly one of those events.

For the record, I've only seen ONE child at a baby shower in all my many years of going to them - and I've only been to one with china (most here are more casual). He actually was really calm and just sat with his mom (shocking to me as he was two or three at the time) for hours. She apologized multiple times about not being able to find anyone to keep him (her mom was also at the shower; I assume her dh was working or out of town or something). Because babies older than 6 months or so are just NOT taken to baby or bridal showers where I live, it was embarrassing for her - or seemed to be. She was uncomfortable, even though no one said or did anything about it.

And I definitely vote to put it clearly on the invite - on the front, not hidden on the back of the map where some will miss it - that this is an adult only event.

Who are the two kids the guest of honor wants included? If they are her nieces then I'd think you could get away with it, but other than that - no.

My sister had an adults only wedding and reception - except for the nieces and nephews of the bride and groom (my three girls and her dh's sister's two boys). They rented a house for the ceremony. Invites were worded something like "due to space limitations, this is adults only, with the exception of our nieces and nephews". One couple with a new baby did ask beforehand if they could bring him, and my sister agreed. He was actually an angel. I do think if you bring a baby, you must be prepared to high tail it out if he/she is making noise/being disruptive.

What is the status of the issue, OP?


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
First, I have no idea where to post this. If this is wrong, please let me know!

~~~

Ok, as an AP parent I love my son.

Um, mainstream parents love their children too! Just as much actually.

I agree with the others who already disagreed witht hte "all mainstream kids run wild" thing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
Yep. And come on, how many kids really want to sit through an English tea service? They don't. They'll be bored out of their minds.

It is about the mom-to-be getting ready and being surrounded by her female friends. One last adult party.

And we are serving alcohol as well which also strengthens my "no kids" rule idea.

I wouldn't want to sit thru it. Mot my cup of tea, if you'll pardon the pun!

If it works for everyone, great. I can't imagine trying to find formal wear right after having a baby. It's a bad time to go shopping, and for many, nothing you already own fits! And maternity (if you are holding it before she has the baby) would be worse.

The alcohol thing is a little different, since the gues of honor ca't drink (unless she's had the baby and doesn't nurse). But ny first shower, which was before Rachel was born, was in a pub. and I did enjoy my virgin margarita. Oh, and obviously, no kids there.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amyb15* 
no need for a sitter. get the husband! it works just fine.

% pages and NO ONE has mentioned that some of the guest mnay be single mothers??? Don't get me wrong, I still don't think it's a kid fiorendly party, I'm just sick of hearing "what's the problem, hubby can watch the kids". Um, yeah, if you have one.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
People might get that through their heads if it were always the case. Etiquette rules are largely lost these days, and that applies to many people doing invitations, as well as invitees. I was invited to a wedding last April - the invitation came addressed to me and dh. There was no specification of how many people were invited. We called my aunt to clarify ...kids absolutely were included, and my aunt laughed at the idea that we might think they weren't (which is what we thought, and why we called). There were about 80 people at the wedding, including at least a dozen kids.

So true. That happens all. the .time. around here. Typical for around here is for someone to invite my parents, who I haven't lived with for some time now, to an event, then ask why I"m not there.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mothragirl* 
i've never heard of a childfree baby shower, but i wouldn't invite kids to a party like that. i probably wouldn't attend one myself, i'd be afraid of breaking something









I"d be scared of breaking china, for sure. As I said, one of my showers was child free, but no one invited had young kids, and it was in a pub. My next 2 showers, kids were welcome. Showers are pretty informal around here.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
OMG...I wouldn't have even considered showing up for my shower if I'd been expecting that. When I had ds1, I only had one friend with kids, and my SIL became pregnant during my third trimester. Despite that, I was getting advice from people every freaking day for months...the last thing I'd have wanted was a social situation, with me as the "guest of honour", so that everyone could give me even _more_ of it. I like waiting until the baby arrives, anyway - he or she is the guest of honour, imo. It's a baby shower, not an expectant mom shower. That's just me, though. I haven't had a baby shower for almost 14 years, and have only been to a few of them...


Showers here are almost always AFTER baby is born. It's so much better that way. Otherwise, you get lots of yellow, white & green clothes.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *IdentityCrisisMama* 
At DC's school they word this kind of event (they have some meetings where the older kids don't come) as "nursing children welcome" I think that's a nice way to say it.


I HATE that wording. Just because I was unable to breastfeed didn't mean my baby didn't need me. I avoided women's group functions at my church because they said "child free except for nursing babies". Well, my child still needed me even if I wasn't nursing. The first few weeks especially, I made sure I gave her most of her feedings. It made me sad I couldn't go to these things simply because my baby wasn't welcome because of how she was fed.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angelcat* 

I HATE that wording. Just because I was unable to breastfeed didn't mean my baby didn't need me. I avoided women's group functions at my church because they said "child free except for nursing babies". Well, my child still needed me even if I wasn't nursing. The first few weeks especially, I made sure I gave her most of her feedings. It made me sad I couldn't go to these things simply because my baby wasn't welcome because of how she was fed.


The way I take that wording and the way it's meant at DC's school is to include children at a developmental age who can not/should be away from their food/comfort source for more than a couple of hours (whether that be nursing or taking a bottle).

You don't feel that it is implied that you are welcome. What language would you use?

I kind of feel that it's important that we normalize nursing in our language, which is why I might choose to use the term nursing as the "norm".


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *IdentityCrisisMama* 
The way I take that wording and the way it's meant at DC's school is to include children at a developmental age who can not/should be away from their food/comfort source for more than a couple of hours (whether that be nursing or taking a bottle).

You don't feel that it is implied that you are welcome. What language would you use?

I kind of feel that it's important that we normalize nursing in our language, which is why I might choose to use the term nursing as the "norm".

But it excludes other moms, whether that is the intent or not. I liked the "babes in arms". That was good. I'd like to see that for once instead of or in addition too the nursing thing. Or just small babies welcome. The nursing thing, well, even now, that'd mean my friend could bring her 18 months old, cause she still nurses, but Rachel wouldn't be welcome.

If someone said "bottlefed babies welcome" would you assume it included nursing babies. or think that maybe the person had a problem with NIP?

Generally, people that say the nursing mom's welcome thing beleive that bottlefed babies don't need their moms, and they need them just as much.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Yea, okay. Soudns good enough. I appreciate that this is a complicated issue and I wouldn't want to exclude anyone. I still feel that it's important to get the language of nursing out there but supporting all mothers is far more important to me.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
For the record, I've only seen ONE child at a baby shower in all my many years of going to them

Thinking back on it, most of the showers I went to had very few kids at them other than tiny babies. Most were held on a weekend and *most* of the kids stayed home with their daddies. The kids who did come either had dads who worked on weekends or had single mothers. No one ever made a issue either of the kids not being invited or of some of them being there.

Quote:

At DC's school they word this kind of event (they have some meetings where the older kids don't come) as "nursing children welcome" I think that's a nice way to say it.
I agree with those that had pointed out that this is very poor wording. "Babes in arms" is a much accuate. There are tiny babies who aren't nursing, and there are 3 year old who are.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angelcat* 
I HATE that wording. Just because I was unable to breastfeed didn't mean my baby didn't need me. I avoided women's group functions at my church because they said "child free except for nursing babies". Well, my child still needed me even if I wasn't nursing. The first few weeks especially, I made sure I gave her most of her feedings. It made me sad I couldn't go to these things simply because my baby wasn't welcome because of how she was fed.

My first was weaned after two months so IKWYM. I think "babes-in-arms" is a bettter choice of words.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RubyWild* 
I'm of no help because, to me, children-free baby showers are an oxymoron. I can't make sense of welcoming a child into the world by excluding children from the party.







:

I don't think there's a way to do it without some of the invitees still feeling the way that I do.

Me too, I just can't conceive of it. How horrible for all of the mamas like me, who wouldn't dream of leaving their children with a babysitter just so they could go to a party and will miss out on the whole event (I leave my DS all day while I'm at work, so I don't leave him at any other time, and I know I'm not the only mama who doesn't use babysitters at all, really).

I remember seeing A Baby Story (or one of those stupid shows) where they actually had a pretty crunchy lady on there... if I remember correctly, her shower was in their back yard, and there was a lot of people there (children included). That gave them a lot of flexibility and she was able to have some activities that were just for her, and some discussions with other mamas, without really being interrupted too much.

And honestly, I just cannot imagine a party where someone asked me to wear gloves. There must be some regional or class things going on there (or both). I have never been to a party with fine china.

I guess I'm just pleading with the OP to consider some other arrangement so that more mamas can participate. If you're going to have fancy china and coffee things and all that expensive jazz, why not spring for a couple of babysitters and have the event somewhere that the kids will be close but not right there?


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amyb15* 
no need for a sitter. get the husband! it works just fine.











Please, PLEASE think before posting these sorts of things. It can be offensive to assume that everyone with a child has a husband.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Wow, lots of replies! Thank you all for your input. The other hosts have agreed to the no children rule so I guess we're all good (I think because no one else is willing to offer up their home). Now I just have to wrap my arms around the budget!







:

I understand some of you not wanting to go to a more formal party but please, there's no need to look down on it or think that I am putting my guests out by asking them to the event or to dress for the occassion. My circle of friends, especially the mom-to-be, will very much enjoy this type of party and the excuse to dress up. I use my good china (and crystal and silver - *gasp*) on a regular basis. Why not? Life's too short to eat off paper.









Ditto with the adult only party. While I see that some of you have made the choice to not attend events without your children - that is your choice. Others wish to have some adult only time and that is just as ok as deciding not to participate in those events.

Anyone who wants to come is welcome, but you have to show up early to help us start making the 240 tea sandwiches...


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## 2tadpoles (Aug 8, 2004)

You know, the comment about having the husband watch the children may have been a thoughtless one.

But really....out of 40+ guests, it's likely that the majority of the kids have a dad around who can care for them while mom is away for a few hours.

I've been a single mother, and I know it can be rough. But to actually be _offended_ by the aforementioned comment?







Come on!


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
I understand some of you not wanting to go to a more formal party but please, there's no need to look down on it or think that I am putting my guests out by asking them to the event or to dress for the occassion. My circle of friends, especially the mom-to-be, will very much enjoy this type of party and the excuse to dress up. I use my good china (and crystal and silver - *gasp*) on a regular basis. Why not? Life's too short to eat off paper.

I am amazed at the remarks on the china - is it really such a shock to people that china would be used at a party? Are there really people who would not go to a party because of china? People who are afraid of breaking china that the OP said she would probably be _renting_?

I suspect some of the PPs are envisioning a Hyacinth Bucket type of affair, with an attendance of Elizabeths shaking and breaking Mother's tea cups.









Searched but could not find a word for chinaphobia


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## AimeeandBrian (Jul 23, 2006)

The girls in my family go to High Teas for Mother's Day and any other excuse we can find. After reading this thread, I am now wanting to ask for this kind of shower when I finally get pregnant.
And even though I cannot wait to be a mom, I would not want children at my baby shower. My friend had kids at hers and I felt it really took away from a womanly feel of the party. (Of course I am much more into the shower as a special thing and she just wanted the presents. Her whole shower was watching her open Baby Einstein and bottles. She also invited people she didn't know very well in order to get more gifts.) After that, I really want a quiet and elegant afternoon with good friends.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I am amazed at the remarks on the china - is it really such a shock to people that china would be used at a party? Are there really people who would not go to a party because of china? People who are afraid of breaking china that the OP said she would probably be _renting_?


And I'm renting because china does get broken. At every party I usually lose at least one glass - and I am usually the one to break it while cleaning up.







Of course, that's an excuse to buy more glassware and feed my addiction!

I have two china sets - one was my grandmother's the other was my husband's grandmother's. So while I could do tea service for probably 36 with what I have - this is too large of a party to get out china that cannot be replaced.

Even the rental place has a policy that they accept a certain breakage percentage without charging you. Stuff happens, such is life. No need to get concerned over it.


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## doulatara (Jun 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tadpoles* 
You know, the comment about having the husband watch the children may have been a thoughtless one.

But really....out of 40+ guests, it's likely that the majority of the kids have a dad around who can care for them while mom is away for a few hours.

I've been a single mother, and I know it can be rough. But to actually be _offended_ by the aforementioned comment?







Come on!

As a former single mom, I was offended. I'm sure a lot of the other single mamas here would agree. We are bombarded with these assumptions on a daily basis, and there are times that they hurt, or at the very least, they are annoying. It doesn't really matter to me what the majority is, if I knew I was going to alienate someone with an assumption, I wouldn't make it.

As for the kids/no kids allowed parties- I just do what the invite tells me to do..sometimes if it is unclear I call the host and ask, but I am never offended. To me the notion of a childless baby shower or wedding is goofy, because I see both as celebrations of families...but to each their own I guess!


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
Life's too short to eat off paper.









It's funny how people with very different party culture can come together on something like this. I'm the kids running wild type party host. Kids are always invited and they party like crazy unsupervised for them most part and have tons of fun without getting hurt, fighting or breaking anything. Adults do too.

But I don't like using disposable either. It's as much an aesthetic thing for me as it is an environmental thing. And I don't even know what china is exactly. We have a bunch of plates, crystal glasses and silver plate that I've collected over the years at the dump, garage sales and second hand stores.

Oh, and as you're wording the invitation, what I most liked about how DC's school phrases this is that it's about who's welcome rather than who's not, iykwim. If you like the in arms thing maybe say, "babies in arms welcome".


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tadpoles* 
You know, the comment about having the husband watch the children may have been a thoughtless one.

I didn't even consider the comment "thoughtless"...in the spirit of the OP's dilemma, it really IS an (appropriate) option that should absolutely be considered at the very least.

We ALL have something going on in our lives that could cause us to be "offended" or have our "feelings hurt" based on an assumption that a poster has made.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
I am a huge proponent of children being included in daily life









:


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

If you don't want children at your event, then you just don't. Why should you be made to feel guilty about this? Like you said, there are some events that are not appropriate for kids, and if you are having a formal party then that is one of them. I would be devastated if someone's unsupervised kid ruined my wedding china and Waterford wine goblets, not to mention that parent would be getting a bill from me to pay for the damages. Why put yourself in that position? No kids means no kids.









ETA: I am appalled at how many people are telling the OP what kind of party she should have or how she should have it and "why would you have such a fancy party" etc etc... She can do whatever she damn well pleases...yeah I know she came here for advice but cut the woman some slack. If she wants to have a fancy party with china and gloves and hats then that's what she wants. Why slam her for it?


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *IdentityCrisisMama* 
And I don't even know what china is exactly.

I'm so glad someone else said this! I'm only sure that I don't own any (unless you can buy it at IKEA







) and that I probably have used it at various events/occasions, I'm just not sure by looking at something if it is called china. How does one know the difference?

I have to agree that I think no children (except small babies) at a baby shower is best, if it's an all-women shower. Mostly because I know I am not totally "present" when I have to keep an eye on my kid and cannot participate well and follow conversations. I have been to showers (one of mine included) where whole families were invited, men included, so that was a bit easier, because for the most part the children had two parents to watch over them. Also, it was less about serious, womanly conversation since the men were there, so it would be less important to be focused on the conversation.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2tadpoles* 
You know, the comment about having the husband watch the children may have been a thoughtless one.

But really....out of 40+ guests, it's likely that the majority of the kids have a dad around who can care for them while mom is away for a few hours.

I've been a single mother, and I know it can be rough. But to actually be _offended_ by the aforementioned comment?







Come on!

I'm sorry that so many posters feel it was silly for me to be offended by this thoughtless comment.

However, the great thing is that I don't need anyone's permission to be offended. And it is no one's job to tell me whether my reason for feeling offended was valid or invalid. Including you, 2tadpoles.

It is hurtful to make assumptions about people's lives. It would be just as hurtful for someone to assume that I had a certain amount of money, or was a certain color, or other similar things.


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## oyemicanto (Feb 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
I understand some of you not wanting to go to a more formal party but please, there's no need to look down on it or think that I am putting my guests out by asking them to the event or to dress for the occassion. My circle of friends, especially the mom-to-be, will very much enjoy this type of party and the excuse to dress up. I use my good china (and crystal and silver - *gasp*) on a regular basis. Why not? Life's too short to eat off paper.










Ditto with the adult only party. While I see that some of you have made the choice to not attend events without your children - that is your choice. Others wish to have some adult only time and that is just as ok as deciding not to participate in those events.


I agree. We all have our preferences for social events, we come from different places and walks of life...if one is invited somewhere, just say yes or no to attending -what's with all the judgement?


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
My "no-children" thing is not going over well

Why do you think this? Is it because most of your guests with kids are not able to find baby sitters?

Also, I'm just curious...who is going to be watching your son?


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## 2tadpoles (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KristiMetz* 
However, the great thing is that I don't need anyone's permission to be offended. And it is no one's job to tell me whether my reason for feeling offended was valid or invalid. Including you, 2tadpoles.

Likewise, I don't need anyone's permission to say that I think people sometimes make far too big a deal about little things.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Poot*
I am appalled at how many people are telling the OP what kind of party she should have or how she should have it and "why would you have such a fancy party"

Me, too. It seems to me to be a different form of snobbery.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *doulatara* 
As a former single mom, I was offended.

I understand, and it's not just single moms -- moms whose husband's travel, work strange hours, are deployed in the military, etc.

It shows a lack of understanding that other people's lives are different from one's own.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I think that if a "no children" rule ends up excluding women who are important to the mom-to-be (either because they are unwilling or unable to attend without their children), then the rule needs to be re-evaluated or a new venue chosen. As many have said, it's about the mom-to-be - and she should be able to be surrounded by those she wants there. I wouldn't want a party that excluded any of my mom friends because they didn't have access to childcare, or didn't feel comfortable leaving their children in the care of others. I'm not saying that that will happen in this, specific, case - just an "in general" thought about no children parties.

It's also important for you, OP, to know that in official etiquette, nursing babes are assumed invited if their mother is. I don't know if you have a problem with in arms babies coming, but you should be aware that some people will assume it's okay.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
It shows a lack of understanding that other people's lives are different from one's own.

This I agree with. I think even more people here would have been offended had the statement been "What's the big deal? Just leave the kids with their nanny!"


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
I think that if a "no children" rule ends up excluding women who are important to the mom-to-be (either because they are unwilling or unable to attend without their children), then the rule needs to be re-evaluated or a new venue chosen. As many have said, it's about the mom-to-be - and she should be able to be surrounded by those she wants there. I wouldn't want a party that excluded any of my mom friends because they didn't have access to childcare, or didn't feel comfortable leaving their children in the care of others. I'm not saying that that will happen in this, specific, case - just an "in general" thought about no children parties.

It's also important for you, OP, to know that in official etiquette, nursing babes are assumed invited if their mother is. I don't know if you have a problem with in arms babies coming, but you should be aware that some people will assume it's okay.

Then it should be assumed ANY tiny baby is coming with mom.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angelcat* 
Then it should be assumed ANY tiny baby is coming with mom.


Well, I agree. I just think that, from the prospective of the etiquette folks, a non-nursing baby could "just as easily" be fed by some one else, whereas an exclusively breastfed one could not. If I had a baby I was bottle feeding, I wouldn't be any more thrilled about leaving him/her behind (though, to be fair, it would cause less logistical problems). My older two were fed EBM while I worked, so it was possible for them to be fed by others if I wanted to go to a cocial event. For the most part, though, I declined invites that wouldn't be welcoming of a baby. I can understand objections to mobile children (especially at the type of party the OP is planning) much more than I can to in arms babes.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meisterfrau* 
Why plan an event to celebrate the arrival of a child from which children must be excluded?


Well, I think it's a nice idea. So many times in a group setting with women we hardly ever really get to indulge in un-interrupted adult time. A baby shower with no children can allow a chance for women to talk without having to split the focus between adult conversation and child care.

Also, if people really want to get personal about their experience with pregnancy, child birth, and being a new mom I think it can be nice to be away from children who might not understand the complexities of those topics. I once overheard my mom tell another mother that she cried her eyes out when she found out she was pregnant again (with me) and it hurt my self esteem because I didn't understand about those kinds of feelings. I think we as women can benefit from being completely candid about our motherhood experiences and, for me at least, sometimes its nice to be just among other women for that.

I also think there is a big difference between "refusing to attend" and sending regrets. Being unable to come to a party now and then is just a fact of life. I've had to send regrets to several adults-only events becaues of a lack of child care, but I wasn't refusing to come, I just couldn't make it.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
I understand some of you not wanting to go to a more formal party but please, there's no need to look down on it or think that I am putting my guests out by asking them to the event or to dress for the occassion. My circle of friends, especially the mom-to-be, will very much enjoy this type of party and the excuse to dress up. I use my good china (and crystal and silver - *gasp*) on a regular basis. Why not? Life's too short to eat off paper.









I hope i didn't offend you, as I certainly wasn't trying to criticize your party. I'd just never heard of such a formal-sounding baby shower, before, and it's not my personal thing.

We do most parties (showers, weddings, birthdays, etc.) at my mom's because she has a big house and a huge yard. She bought several sets of cheap matching plates, bowls and glasses a few years ago, and those are now her "party dishes". We don't like the disposable thing. I don't mind eating off paper plates, but I don't like the prevalence of disposability in our culture.


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## Viewfinder (Sep 2, 2005)

I don't see that anyone is co-hosting the party with you unless they are also co-paying with you, and co-offering their house with you. Your house, your rules, and I'd do it just that way. And honestly, EVERYONE will thank you after the fact, because yours will be a refined, elegant affair where the mother-to-be and you and her friends will have a wonderful time together, where it's not about other children at all: just her and her baby, as it should be. And to be able to speak freely with no concerns what little children might hear... oh my gosh, what glorious fun!

How about hiring a butler service, and have it as an insert in the invitation that, "Carl the Doorman will be instructed to allow only the invited adults into the party, and no exceptions can be accommodated. If you need help finding a sitter service, please call co-host Betty Sue at zzx-zzyx for referrals." And ask Betty Sue who wants to invite kids to please call and confirm with mothers that they have found sitters.

AND DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR on the big day. Let the doorman handle it. You're hosting a very elegant, formal party for a dear, mother-to-be in your own private home that you don't want to have to baby- and runaround-kid-proof just for this occasion. It's very special and your special rules apply.

Honestly, people can find a sitter, or they can stay home, and they can have a different shower another time where the kids are welcome. It's adults-only formal: nuff said!

Good luck.

VF


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## fuller2 (Nov 7, 2004)

Um, are you being sarcastic, VF?

To the OP: It's your party--do what you want. If people are offended, tough. You can't please everyone, and in a group of 45 people you are definitely going to bother someone. If you DID include kids, you'd offend people for doing that. So don't worry about it--do what you want!!

I am a single mom, though, and I usually just skip these things entirely if kids aren't invited. I am probably not going to pay a sitter $12-$15/hour (this is the going rate where I live), or discuss schedule changes with the ex, to go to a baby shower. If the mom-to-be was my best friend I'd just see her one-on-one later.

I am actually somewhat offended when I really want to go to something that could *reasonably* include children but they are not allowed. I know my being offended is unreasonable itself, since if you want to have a no-kid party then you should. Not everyone wants kids around--it's fine.

But when people invite me to something like that, it would be great if they would ALSO show some awareness of my situation, and say something like, "Ellen's husband will be watching their kids--and they've offered to have Sam over there to play while you're at the party." Then we'd both have fun.

So I guess what offends me is the idea that I can somehow snap my fingers and find someone to watch my kid, or that it is not a big deal to shell out $40+ so I can attend.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thebee321* 
I'm so glad someone else said this! I'm only sure that I don't own any (unless you can buy it at IKEA







) and that I probably have used it at various events/occasions, I'm just not sure by looking at something if it is called china. How does one know the difference?

The difference between china and stoneware is thickness -- china is thinner. It easy to tell with really thick stonewear that it is stonewear, or really thin china that it is china, but some dishes are sort of in between.

Here is link with lots of pretty pictures of china.

http://www.mikasaandcompany.com/control/main

(I only own one set of dishes. I'm just not a two sets of dishes kinda gal.







)


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

Good grief. I agree with Mama Poot. The woman can have any kind of party she wants. And just because some of you have never heard of anyone having such a party, it doesn't give you cause to slam her for her choices.

OP, how do you say no? You just say, "Adults only party." Enough said. If someone else wants to throw a shower and invite children also, fine. But you throw the party you want to throw.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viewfinder* 
How about hiring a butler service,

Actually I'm dressing my husband up as a butler for the day and we'll probably recruit a couple other husbands to do the same!









He's the chef of the family anyways and he'll have a blast doing it - and it is cheaper than hiring servers.


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## oyemicanto (Feb 11, 2005)

pretty please, can I come?????







:







:







:







:


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## Viewfinder (Sep 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fuller2* 
Um, are you being sarcastic, VF?

No. I am speaking from knowledge of people who have the nerve and lack of social graces to disrespect a host's invitation by bringing uninvited guests along. It tends to make a host less willing to HAVE parties in the future, OR to invite people who have a reputation for doing that, not to mention, making the host nervous for her own personal reasons (the op's house not being childproofed, etc.). Why would you want to make a host uncomfortable? I personally would have no problem preparing for such rude people with a butler to turn them away. I've had uninvited guests brought in to a big deal party I had once, who had a very negative effect on MY party and all of my invited guests... no way would it happen again. "Invited" means invited. Not invited means you're not invited, unless you arrange for a special invitation from the HOST--and if the special invitation would fly in the face of the special "Not included" list, in this case, children, I wouldn't ask.

If I was invited to such a fete, I would begin early contacting the host/s to see if some group childcare could be arranged. Some other invitees are SURE to have children, or a handfull of babysitters they could refer. I find the attitude that this host is somehow inconsiderate to not include children to be pretty offensive. I have a lovely, well-spoken, well-behaved dd who would adore going to a party like that, but, I totally get it: Adults only. I doubt if a single attendee to her party will remember anything but what a great time they had together that day. It's a wonderful gift she is giving to the mom to be, AND a whole bunch of her special friends. I'd probably have to show up in a straw hat with a flower in it and a floursack frock and gardening gloves from the dollar store, but, my pinky would be up as I sipped my tea, and my dd would be with a sitter.
















VF


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## 3happygirls (Feb 4, 2006)

I thought the OP posed a rather REASONABLE question and genuine request for advise. Are we trying to reinact some snobby, English gossip-circle ladies tea where we do nothing but tear down the hostess with whispers of "well....I don't know why ANYONE would want to do it THAT way", "this offended me when she said...Blah, blah, blah", "oh, SHE thinks she SOOOOO FANCY with her china and her teapots"! *TSK! TSK!!!!* For reals, people. Seriously....







at most of you.


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Poot* 
If you don't want children at your event, then you just don't. Why should you be made to feel guilty about this? Like you said, there are some events that are not appropriate for kids, and if you are having a formal party then that is one of them. I would be devastated if someone's unsupervised kid ruined my wedding china and Waterford wine goblets, not to mention that parent would be getting a bill from me to pay for the damages. Why put yourself in that position? No kids means no kids.









ETA: I am appalled at how many people are telling the OP what kind of party she should have or how she should have it and "why would you have such a fancy party" etc etc... She can do whatever she damn well pleases...yeah I know she came here for advice but cut the woman some slack. If she wants to have a fancy party with china and gloves and hats then that's what she wants. Why slam her for it?

















: there we go, ITA with everything MamaPoot said.


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## WNB (Apr 29, 2006)

Responding to original post - have not read the whole thread, sorry:

Forbidding children at a celebration of the imminent birth of a child seems odd to me.

I understand why you want to: too crowded for your house, too much delicate stuff around to expect children to be safe (and to expect the stuff to be safe), boring party for kids.

But all of those reasons are a function of the type of party you and your friend are choosing to create - and that is something that is not set in stone.

Is the type of party you are giving your friend the type of party she would want? Will she want there to be no children allowed? If you can't say that the person having the baby would want it that way, I think you should re-think and revise your plans.

eta: since the mom-to-be requested, specifically, that two children be invited, it seems that she is not interested in a child=-free event.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Since the OP will need yet another opinion...









I'm a huge fan of "tea". I take my DD to formal tea for her birthday every year and we go one other time at least. I think it's a wonderful idea for a shower and you are extremely thoughtful and gracious. It is exactly the type of shower I would want to have.

I have never been to a shower that included children. Not one. Maybe it's a regional thing and it is different where you live but where I live you wouldn't even need a disclaimer on the invitation - it would absolutely be understood that children are not invited.

Not only would I go if my children were not invited, I would happily shell out the money for a sitter so that I could enjoy drinking tea (my favorite beverage) and eating little sandwiches.

If I were hosting then I would have the shower on the weekend so that DH's (or grandmas) could babysit. I would never have a shower during the week in the daytime because people work so again, I am confused as to why people would have to bring kids. If I am invited to something and I can't get a sitter (and this happens often) then I don't go. I never assume my kids are welcome unless I am told and I never assumed it when I was nursing either.

Good luck, it sounds great!


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Well, I'm with Mama Poot. I'm surprised how many people have criticized your choice of party style.

I am also really surprised how many people can't imagine a childless baby shower! The baby showers I've gone to usually involve a group of women crowded into a circle in someone's living room, sharing stories and advice. How would children factor into this? (Not referring to babes in arms).

The one I went to this weekend was a prime example. We all spoke our own words to the mom-to-be, and it involved tears and hugs. The only other sound we heard were the wind chimes outside. It was magical.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
I have never been to a baby shower with kids. Babies, yes, but not kids. I am a huge proponent of children being included in daily life, and wouldn't have cared if people brought their kids to my baby shower. Hey, I don't have to watch them. But I certainly understand that it is a different vibe, and I guess that bothers some people. I personally wouldn't bring my kids to a baby shower just because I know that we'd all have much more fun that day if I got to chat with my friends and actually sit while eating, and they got to go run around the playground with Daddy.

How do you say no? You write "adults only" on the invitation. And when someone asks, you say "I'm really sorry, but this event just isn't appropriate for children."

And of course some people won't be able to go because of this. When you have kids sometimes you miss out on things.

ITA!
The host also stated that her child is still and infant and the house is not childproof for wandering mobile children. Which means probably not alot of toys/things to do for older kids either. And very little space. Plus add the hot tea and china and it's just not appropriate for children, period.

I also think that I'd be so worried about "watching" my own 4 year old, to make sure he wasn't getting into hot tea, or breaking something, lol, that I would not be able to relax and enjoy myself. I'd much rather leave him at home with his dad or a babysitter for a few hours.

I have been to lots of showers with kids and men invited too, and they were fun. Although at several showers I've seen young toddlers/preschoolers tantruming/insisting on opening the Mom to be's gifts, and the Mom to be looking uncomfortable, and the parents just giving the "aren't they adorable" look, instead of intervening . And of course, the proverbial kids running amok or trashing the host's house, with little supervision because their moms are talking.
Even if men are invited to these showers, from what I've seen, the men usually find a reason not to come, usually it's just the moms and kids.


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