# Joining you (my story)...long and sad



## VivC (Jan 4, 2008)

I lost my oldest son, Rivelino (Rivi) to incompetent cervix. I've since gone on to have a wonderful fullterm little boy, Dominici (Dom). Here's Rivi's story...

I have PCOS, so getting pregnant was incredibly difficult. It took me 7 years to get pregnant with Rivi. I had to find an OB on the fly, so I settled for the first person who had an opening and knew about PCOS (it can cause pregnancy loss).

My progesterone came back low, so I went on supplements. For awhile, my pregnancy seemed picture-perfect, but I was nagged with a complete terror of incompetent cervix (I had no risk factors).

At my 20W U/S, the tech said, "Oh, how cute - his foot is in your cervix." I sat bolt upright on the table and said, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" She had me lay back down and checked again, then said, "No, he moved...everything's fine." Looking back, I should have demanded a second tech look things over. I could have gone to pee (my bladder was full, which I later learned can make a funneling cervix look normal on U/S). Shoulda, coulda, right? Instead, I took her word for it.

A few days later, I started to experience tons of cervical mucous. I knew this was a symptom of IC. I went to my doc and asked for a cervical U/S. He simply looked at my 20W report and said everything was fine. I went back 3 more times over the next 2 weeks, becoming more and more desperate that he just do an U/S (they had the fricking machine IN THE ROOM where I was seen each time). He would just do a manual check and say everything was fine. The last time I was in - before everything went to hell - I left his office thinking that I should drive to L&D and get checked out there. I didn't.









And 2 days later, I was back in his office - this time with bulging membranes and dilated 3 cm. I was 22 weeks exactly. He had me drive straight to the hospital (no, the idiot didn't call me an ambulance). He referred me to an MFM doctor who wasted 36 hours of Rivi's life arguing that he refused to do a rescue cerclage. He said they never work, Rivi would be born retarded, we should just let nature take its course. I refused to give up. I knew the odds were against us, and thankfully we had a nurse who understood my feelings. She referred us to a different MFM. He came in and met with us. He explained that there was less than a 3% chance of Rivi even coming out of the rescue cerclage still alive. But he was willing to try, thank God!

The surgery went perfectly. I went home to full bedrest a few days later. We'd won - and Rivi would be fine. We had entire churches praying for us, we'd made it through so much. I was completely certain that my baby would live.

At exactly 24 weeks, my water broke. It was probably caused by an infection introduced while my membranes were bulging (and while idiot MFM refused to help us). Anti-contraction medications bought us another 6 days. Looking back, I don't know whether I would change anything...part of me wonders if living inside of me with broken membranes might have set Rivi up for the system-wide infection he was born with, but part of me wonders if he actually DID have a better chance after those extra 6 days inside of me. I guess we'll never know.

He was born screaming. 1 lb 10 ounces, 13 inches long - he was bigger than some 27 weekers they saw in the NICU. His Apgars were both 8s, and he was breathing on his own. They intubated him as a formality, then they whisked him away. And we waited for them to come get us. After 4 hours, we were taken to the NICU, where the doctor said "You have a very sick little boy. He's got a massive infection." I later tested positive for GBS.

I have never prayed so hard in my life as I did that night. I wasn't supposed to touch him, and that killed me. In hindsight, I should have, anyway. He deserved that. Instead, I sat next to him, 1 finger resting on the tiny blood pressure cuff around his ankle, just telling him to hold on, that we'd made it so far, he'd be fine. Eventually, the nurses insisted that I go get some rest. I didn't understand it then, and I still don't - how the hell was I supposed to sleep while my son was fighting for his life?

At any rate, I'd no sooner gotten into my bed than a nurse came to take me back to the NICU. Rivi wasn't breathing with the ventilator - he was trying to do it on his own. The infection was in his lungs, and he wasn't absorbing the oxygen properly. The doctor handed me a DNR form and told me Rivi WAS going to die, and I should save him from pain. I refused to sign, but I told her she could give him some pain medication if necessary...I didn't want him to suffer, I just wanted him to LIVE.

Eventually, he figured out the breathing thing. More proof that he was tough, that he'd survive. I finally did get to lay in a bed that night, but I didn't get any sleep.

Around 7 the next morning (he was born at 9 the night before), I was pulled into the NICU again. I actually smiled as the nurse walked me down, and I joked, "What's my boy doing now to worry everyone?" I THOUGHT HE'D BE FINE! Instead, I watched as his heart was restarted 3 times over the next 4 hours. Each time, a doctor would shove a DNR form into my face. Each time, I'd say, "I'm not signing it - it's God's decision, not mine." Then the doctor would sigh and make a snide comment about letting my son suffer. As though he were a dog being put down.

Around 11:30, his functions starting shutting down. There was blood in his urine, his blood pressure and oxygen levels were falling. The doctor threw up her hands and said, "There's nothing else I can do for your son. Do you want to hold him while he's still alive?" I said yes, and she started to disconnect tubes from him. My poor hubby was in such shock - he asked frantically, "What are you doing?" She snapped at him, "Shut up - he's dying." Great bedside manner, huh?

So, the first time I held my son, he was dying. I just kept telling him over and over how sorry I was, that he always needed to remember how much his Mommy loves him. At 11:46, he let out his last breath and went limp. I knew the very nanosecond he was gone. He lived 14 hours and 46 minutes, October 6, 2004 (9:00 p.m.) to October 7, 2004 (11:46 a.m.).

Somehow, we moved on. It was hard, I suffered self-destructive depression, I turned my back on God for awhile (I still struggle with major questions for Him that He hasn't answered). I decided we wouldn't TTC again, that I'd never risk that pain again. Then, exactly 1 month before Rivi's first birthday, I found out I was pregnant with his little brother. It's as though my angel knew that I needed someone to hold onto during the dark, grief-filled days ahead. And I know he was praying for us throughout that fear-filled pregnancy.

That's Rivi's story. My hubby has a theory that, before I ever got pregnant, our children gathered around in Heaven with God to decide who should come to us first. They knew that incompetent cervix would be an issue, and Rivi came first because he was our toughest...because he had the best chance, and he wanted to save his little brother (and other, future siblings) the suffering. Maybe it's silly, but the thought gives me a lot of comfort sometimes.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am sorry for all the pain and trauma you had to go through.







for your sweet, tough Rivi.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

wow







mama







Rivi


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)




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## joshs_girl (Dec 8, 2006)

You were blessed with Rivi, mama, and you in turn have blessed us all


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Thankyou, thankyou, thank YOU, for sharing this part of your life with us.With me. I will always remember Rivi.WOW What a powerful life!What an amazing testament to the bonds of mother and child!I absolutely agree with your husband.I belive our children gathered in heaven as well, and decided many things.Thankyou so much.


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## Aurora (May 1, 2002)

Thank you for sharing your beautiful, strong Rivi with us. I too believe that our children gathered together and have known each other all along.


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## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

for you mama, he was such a strong little guy with such a strong mama! I cant believe the medical peoples issues!







Im glad you find comfort that he is with god and not suffering.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

That you so much for sharing the story of your beautiful baby boy with us
















Rivi


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story.
















Rivi


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## VivC (Jan 4, 2008)

Thank you, everyone! I feel very comfortable here already!


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

Thank you for sharing Rivi with us. What an incredible strong boy


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

What a beautiful boy. Your story is powerful mama. You will always have Rivi. I am sorry that he is not here with you. RRA

Please take care,


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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

you are amazing, and so is your family. may you find peace


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

What a beautiful, touching story Viv.
Thank you so much for sharing Rivi's
strong little spirit with us.


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## Nicole913 (Jun 2, 2006)




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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)




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## KensJen (Dec 1, 2003)

Thank you so much for sharing Rivi's story.







I am just sorry that he couldn't stay here with you. I'm glad we all got to know about him, and you are a lucky mama to have met his strong spirit.

Welcome to MDC.


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## cfiddlinmama (May 9, 2006)




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