# Kids treating parents with disrespect



## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

I just read an article about children and teens treating their parents with disrespect, back talking, and how it is currently more common than ever.
TV shows like Simpsons and bands like Green Day were given as examples of why today's children are more disrespectful.

The article suggests limiting exposure to media that may be a bad influence, decide how much disrespect we are willing to take, let our child know how much disrespect we will put up with, and punish disrespect by taking away TV, computer, music, ect. time.

Why do children treat parents with disrespect? If parents treat their children with respect they will treat their parents with respect. Of course limiting exposure to negative media is a good idea. Who needs the Simpsons!

Sometimes we can do everything right and our child still is disrespectful. A disrespectful child is an unhappy child. It's a sign that something isn't right. Punishing an unhappy child isn't going to teach the child to be respectful. It may make the child upset enough that he doesn't even want to talk to you.

Ideas for stopping disrespectful behavior without punishment?

Ideas for promoting respectful behavior when a child is being disrespectful?


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## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

I think some of it can be just normal behavior (learning boundaries, etc...) If a normally respectful child decides to see how far they can push a boundary and a bunch of people see it then the child is deemed "disrespectful." Does that make sense? I think a lot of these numbers and studies are done in snap judgements...


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

All I can think is "wow, the Simpsons and Green Day were both around when I was a kid!"

I don't know how seriously I'd take an article about this sort of thing. The general way of the world is that the younger generation is always a mess. While I do think that may actually be the case this time, I'm not sure it's because of "disrespect," which has ALWAYS been around! I don't even know how you'd measure levels of disrespect over time.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

I LOVE Green Day! That article must have been crappy.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Whoever wrote that doesn't know a *thing* about the Simpsons.


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## midnightmommy (Apr 14, 2008)

Our son has recently been coming home from the neighbor's house repeating how they talk to their mom. Because we don't call each other names or talk that way in this house. I just stop him and point out that we don't think that is a nice way to talk to people and can hurt someone's feelings. After a couple of days of pointing out when he's not being respectful it seems to be stopping. I can't stop him from playing with his friends really. I would like him to know that just because someone else acts that way doesn't mean he has to.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

The Simpsons is largely satire, and as such isn't appropriate for younger children. But I won't believe ever that it caused an entire generation of disrespect!

Kids don't learn disrespect from TV. Oh, they may get few lines from TV, but not the entire attitude, IMO. They get disrespect by not being respected. And, by not being taught to respect others. We spend a lot of time right now working with our kids on respectful words and 'gentle' voices. It's hard for me, and it's hard for them.


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## 2cutiekitties (Dec 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
Whoever wrote that doesn't know a *thing* about the Simpsons. I can't take that degree of dumb seriously.

Totally agree!


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Green Day??? That seems like quite a stretch.


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## SweetGuayaba (Jun 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
The Simpsons is largely satire, and as such isn't appropriate for younger children. But I won't believe ever that it caused an entire generation of disrespect!

Kids don't learn disrespect from TV. Oh, they may get few lines from TV, but not the entire attitude, IMO. They get disrespect by not being respected. And, by not being taught to respect others. We spend a lot of time right now working with our kids on respectful words and 'gentle' voices. It's hard for me, and it's hard for them.

While I agree that TV is not to blame on its own for teaching disrespectful behavior it certainly can contribute to certain bad habits in combination with other factors. I would not consider a lot of modern TV appropriate for young children and yet many families let their children feast their brains with garbage television. They are bound to imitate the things they see and from there begin the journey to such behavior and habits.

I would have agreed with you about children learning to disrespect others by how they are treated and taught but having the actual experience I now know that it is not always the case.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *foreverinbluejeans* 
TV shows like Simpsons and bands like Green Day were given as examples of why today's children are more disrespectful.

I watched The Simpsons and listened to Green Day as a kid, not sure how it could have made me disrespect my parents.... weird.

ETA: Unless maybe my mom was having a hard day and instead of working with this I just said "Don't have a cow, man!"







Sorry, couldn't resist!


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I don't think that limiting media is an essential component to having respectful kids. My kids are very respectful to me most of the time (sure, we all get cranky at times!) and I don't limit that kind of media at all.

But I do watch it with them much of the time and talk about what we see. I talk about how I hate the disrespectful attitudes, so that my kids see it for what it is, rather than absorbing the foreign values. After a while, I've noticed that they think the characters are "stupid" for acting the way they do, and either enjoy watching it knowing how unrealistic it is, or lose interest in the show.

Of course, my children are NOT angels. We all have our cranky moments (and days, thanks to female hormones). But, when somebody is desrespectful towards me, I let the child know that it was NOT acceptable.

Do I send them to their rooms or come up with some unrelated punishment for back-talking? No, but I do let the child know that he or she hurt my feelings by the words spoken and the tone of voice. Sometimes I tune out mini verbal rampages and say "excuse me, but I'm not going to listen to this. I'll listen to you when you're ready to talk to me respectfully." At other times, it's "I would have gotten up to help you a few minutes earlier if you'd asked more nicely."

I do this much more with my 7yo than with my teenagers- they pretty much "get it" already. IMO, more teens are disrespectful today because they didn't have appropriate limits set when they were younger, and those limits continue to not be set now. I've seen so much disconnect between parents and teenagers, with disrespect going both ways. How can a teen NOT be angry with a parent who continues to set unrelated punishments for mistakes they've made?

Quote:

The article suggests limiting exposure to media that may be a bad influence, decide how much disrespect we are willing to take, let our child know how much disrespect we will put up with, and punish disrespect by taking away TV, computer, music, ect. time.
I only agree with one point here: letting kids know what we're willing to put up with, and not letting it continue. But I don't agree that TV shows are causing the kinds of problems suggested, nor do I agree with any form of "punishment." Take away music time because a child was rude to me?







And that's supposed to teach the child to me more respectful? Wouldn't that just make the child angry with the parent for setting arbitrary punishments?


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lach* 
All I can think is "wow, the Simpsons and Green Day were both around when I was a kid!"

I don't know how seriously I'd take an article about this sort of thing. The general way of the world is that the younger generation is always a mess. While I do think that may actually be the case this time, I'm not sure it's because of "disrespect," which has ALWAYS been around! I don't even know how you'd measure levels of disrespect over time.

Yeah- how WOULD you measure that?

People are *always* saying "teen stuff" is so terrible.

Here's a great quote:

*"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint."

-Hesiod*

He was an ancient Greek born in 800 BC!

Apparently, kids have been disrespectful to their elders for 3,000 years.

Now, the Simpsons have been on a long time, but not THAT long







!

In seriousness, often these articles are talking about a very limited view of the word "respect" and are more frequently talking about blind obedience and saying "the right words".

Kids that are shown respect, given responsibility, honored in their own ideas and given the freedom and understanding that growing up is a 20 year journey in social experimentation and physical/hormonal change, they will have a more profound meaning of respect.

Someone here on MDC said once (and it really hit me): We have 18 years to teach these lessons. We don't need them perfected before that. We don't need to demand that younger children behave like mini-adults. Some lessons take a long time. In the meantime, we explain, model and have a little patience.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Beyond showing our kids respect, I think our children really need to see us being respectful of *other adults*.

Honestly, I see grown men and women being incredibly disrespectful to one another far more often than I see children doing it.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

I think anything that pegs one thing or another as responsible for the downfall of the world's teens is suspect, JIHMO









Now, I never let my younger kids watch Simpsons, but once they are old enough to choose their own entertainment (my teens, for example), they watch Simpsons (although they STRONGLY prefer South Park, as do I







) and my son LOVES Green Day...he's even wearing their t-shirt right now









And, he's pretty darn respectful. Mows the lawn without asking, helps his little sisters, does dishes, offers to cook. Should I credit *that* to the media?

Of course he gets annoyed and even ticked off and can be rude, even downright nasty. But the large majority of the time they are acting like decent, good kids.

My kids are more likely to be rude because of the influences of the adults in their lives, not because some cartoon character said "F-Off" ykwim?

I do think media should be limited in early years, because their brains are developing so rapidly

nakking, soprry so brief


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I always have trouble with stuff about disrespectful kids, to be honest. I think it's really subjective. I know some people think that my siblings and I were/are disrespectful to my parents, but my parents never thought so. I've had a couple people tell me that they wouldn't tolerate X from ds1, but it's stuff that doesn't bother me in the slightest. (This was when he was younger, actually.) I find the way dh and his brothers talk to their mom to be kind of disrespectful...but they would _never_ use bad language towards her, and nobody in their family - them, FIL or MIL - finds their behaviour disrespectful at all.

So...while I've seen some really disrespectful behaviour from some kids, i really don't know how to objectively define that, yk?

I will say that the four most habitually disrespectful kids I know (to their parents, but not so much to others) have a mother who doesn't treat them with any respect, either. Their father does, but he only sees them one day a week. I think they just dish back what they get.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I just want to say yes yes yes to a lot of these posts.

I think real life modelling is way more important than media consumption, although I also think discussion of media and inculcating media literacy is important too.

I think it's a lifelong process. I'm still learning how to be respectful of others.

For me also, kids do go through phases of "disrespect" which could be mouthiness or disobedience. If they don't, there might actually be a problem, depending on their personalities etc. (I didn't and part of the reason was that I was victim of incest from an extended family member and had very much internalized a lot of "lessons" in not defying adults. Took a lot of therapy to unlearn some of that.)

If the disrespect persists for a long time there may be a problem, but I would be surprised if turning off either of the shows mentioned resolved it. I do think connection is important and too much TV has the potential, if done a certain way, to impact on connection. But that's about it.

I recently had an epiphany about this too... I was reading an article about parents who had decided to allow their son to play some really popular war video game. But they had required that he read the Geneva Convention and that while he was playing the game, that he adhere to those standards (even though the game itself would allow you to fire on civilians, etc.). Even though I'm not comfortable with those games, I thought wow, those parents are brilliant - they really taught their son something about respect for the law. I was quite amazed at their creativity and awareness.


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## eireann (Sep 29, 2007)

wow, green day was indicted? odd.

i always thought respect was best illustrated through example and driving manners into a kid's head. case in point, me. my parents had a lot of respect for each other, and they demanded pleases, thank yous and you're welcome from their children (and their friends) too. they also showed respect towards other people, and parental fighting was a rarity in our household. anyway, their approach seemed to work pretty well, as they always got compliments on my manners from other parents and ive carried them to adulthood too.


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## April411 (Dec 19, 2007)

Quote:

All I can think is "wow, the Simpsons and Green Day were both around when I was a kid!"
lol...I watched the Simpsons and listened to Green Day as a kid (still do)How old is that article?


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I think parents are also more disrespectful to kids.

Growing up I would have not heard a parent say "shut the F up" or "Get your A#$ over here" to their kids in a store. I wonder what these parents are like behind the doors.

I also think parents dumping the kids off on media sources insead of being involved.....media sources are being the teacher is part of the problem. That lays be on to the parents.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

Quote:

In seriousness, often these articles are talking about a very limited view of the word "respect" and are more frequently talking about blind obedience and saying "the right words".
This is the first thing that came to mind when I read the OP - you worded it better than I could have though hehe!

DS prefers Futurama anyhow. hehe

Quote:

I think parents are also more disrespectful to kids.
I agree with that as well. It seems what parents expect swing one way and then the other. I like the happy middle ground. I show DS respect, he shows me respect - and when we don't/can't then something is out of balance and we can still respect the other for that whilst we try to balance out our lives again! hehe

Quote:

I also think parents dumping the kids off on media sources insead of being involved.....media sources are being the teacher is part of the problem. That lays be on to the parents.
YES! - Whilst I don't think its tele that terribly influences and causes the problems I do think how media is used a household can indeed have some serious affects. Whilst I don't sit down and watch something like Die Hard with DS around, I don't limit what he does choose to watch (and at the moment that only his thomas tape over and over again







lol) - basically, we are not a tele free house (though youd be surprised that with this freedom he watches very little!). But our media is never used to 'parent' DS - it is there for pure enjoyment. I have never stuck him in from of a tele so I could get on with something else. I have many friends who do - with babies as young as three months old!!! - And I can see a big difference in their childs behaviour compared to my own. (of course there are many other factors that play into that - but I do think it is one)


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

I think kids disrespect their parents because their parents disrespect them.

I think another reason they can disrespect their parents, is not knowing how to handle or deal with the emotions or situations they are dealing with--they don't feel "understood" and they don't know how to problem solve and they feel judgment instead of support and help and trust from their parents.

I think most parents' definition of respect isn't really about respect--it's about complete and total agreement/obedience no matter what they do or say to their kids--respect is more than having a lemming...


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## ziggyzaazaa (May 20, 2009)

when i was growing up I was respectful to my parents, but I remember how much I struggled until I was 19 years old. 19!!!!!!. I admit! I gave my mom a hell of a time. The problem was, What I never knew was the actual definition of the word itself, I had to read it in the dictionary myself to understand the word. No one ever clearly explained it to me, they just expected me to know. I mean come on. RESPECT. unless you sing the song its a hard word to learn when you are a little two year old throwing a fit and screaming bloody murder.

Part of it I believe, is the non-understanding and lack of communication between the parents and the child. I know this was my case. But I still grew up respectful and good. Just a thought. I use this knowlege within myself to hope to be able to raise respectful kiddos.

I try to explain things the best I can so they understand at thier level what is right or wrong. Sometimes I have to remind Daddy and even myself. It does take practie from all of us!


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## bestjob (Mar 19, 2002)

My dd is 14 and in Grade 9.

Last fall at a cross country meet I was told by some parents that "the girls don't like it when we hang around with them" and "my daughter told me to stay away when she's with her friends". These parents were forbidden t talk to their kids. They are the kind who refer to themselves as "The Taxi Driver" and "The Wallet".

When my daughter and I meet kids at the mall, some of the kids say hi to me, and some look at me like I'm something smelly stuck on a shoe. Guess which ones get invited for dinner?

When I see my dd's peers, I always give a friendly hello, call the kids by name, check in with dd about what she's doing and if she needs anything, and then I chat a bit and then I do stuff I like to do. I tend to do the same with dh's work colleagues and friends.

I think a lot of parents get treated disrespectfully because they have taught their kids that it is okay. At our house I try to bring it up on a fairly regular basis that my husband and I are actually human beings who have feelings and like to be treated politely. I also try to give the kids the privacy they need so that they aren't cornered and feel that they have to fight their way out of my scrutiny. These are respectful behaviours that I want them to learn.

And, I have given them the age-old threat... be nice to me in public or I will start to dance in front of your friends. (The good thing is... my kids know it's a joke, not a real threat.)


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

bestjob I really like your post!

I agree there are many factors, and the one you bring up is so important. There is this cultural trend to think it's normal for older kids to relate to their parent as if the adult is "the wallet" or "the taxi" etc.

Naturally there is a lot of space and respect needed by a teen in their relationships to others. However, there is no reason at all to have a relationship where the teen considers parents as less-than-human. That is creepy and sad and very common.


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## foreverinbluejeans (Jun 21, 2004)

Many of you seem to agree that if parents treat kids with respect their children with treat them with respect.

What if they don't? What if you are doing everything right?

I have a son that has bipolar disorder. He is 21 now. We homeschooled but he started going out in 'the big bad world' to work at a part time job when he was 16. He started treating me worse more frequently. I had a counselor friend that wisely told me it was because he knew he had to be nice to everyone else and he took things out on me. He was secure in his relationship with me.

What works for us is when he starts treating me with disrespect I leave the room if possible or stop listening if I can't leave. Even if we are irritated with each other one day the next day we just start all over again.


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## webjefita (Aug 16, 2003)

Quote:

Many of you seem to agree that if parents treat kids with respect their children with treat them with respect.

What if they don't? What if you are doing everything right?


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I don't think it's as simple as 'I did everything right and...' because we are this relationship. At any given moment you have to deal with what is in front of you. Life is never as simple as getting what we deserve in relationships, and I am sure you know that.


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexsam* 
Here's a great quote:

*"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of restraint."

-Hesiod*

He was an ancient Greek born in 800 BC!

*Apparently, kids have been disrespectful to their elders for 3,000 years.*

.

Your post made me LOL!!! But in all seriousness, with 3000 years worth of disrespecting elders....perhaps the problem is not with the teens, it is with the perception of what elders consider respect.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

That's deep wytchywoman!

The perception of what elders consider respect.

Much to ponder there


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *foreverinbluejeans* 
Many of you seem to agree that if parents treat kids with respect their children with treat them with respect.

What if they don't? What if you are doing everything right?

I have a son that has bipolar disorder. He is 21 now. We homeschooled but he started going out in 'the big bad world' to work at a part time job when he was 16. He started treating me worse more frequently. I had a counselor friend that wisely told me it was because he knew he had to be nice to everyone else and he took things out on me. He was secure in his relationship with me.

What works for us is when he starts treating me with disrespect I leave the room if possible or stop listening if I can't leave. Even if we are irritated with each other one day the next day we just start all over again.


That sounds like a really specific and hard situation. Hugs to you!

I see no problem with leaving the room if being treated with disrespect.


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