# So, tell me about having a second child



## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

We have one child, a sweet, adorable, wonderful 18 month old girl.

DH and I have been thinking, ok, do we want another? We are absolutely stumped. We feel fully satisfied with our girl, and neither of us feel like there's some missing piece that would need another child to fill. Yet, we both also believe that children are (for us at least) the purpose of life pretty much, and that they are precious and wonderful and all that jazz. So we know that we would love another child should one come to us. Our emotions aren't really guiding us anywhere here, so we thought we'd try some logic.

How/why did you decide to have a second (or third, or fourth, etc.) child, or not?

And, how is the experience of a second different from the first? I mean, do two children take TWICE the time? Or will they (possibly) eventually be able to play with each other and sort of provide different pockets of EXTRA time, lol? I'm reading what I'm writing and I see how naive I am, but I just don't know what else to ask or what to expect.


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

I have 2. I felt much as you do when ds was 18 months. Now that we have dd, I can't imagine life without her. We waited a while to have a second child, ds was 4.5 when dd was born. We had planned on having children closer together but life got in the way, I had some fertility issues. Now I am realy glad that they were spaced that far apart. Ds got to be a baby as long as he needed to be. I know tandem nursing is possible, and many parents do a wonderful job with children spaced close together but a newborn does take time away from an loder child. Ds was very high needs and I'm not sure how well we would have done with a newborn when he was 2. By 4 though he has self weaned and was much more independant. He was also better able to understand that the baby is little and realy needs mommy just like he did when he was little. Now they are 2 and 6 and they play together much better than I thought they would considering the age diferance. They like to chase each other, or ds will build towers of blocks for dd to knock down.

I think I would have been very happy with just ds. I don't see anything wrong with having an only child. However I'm so glad we have dd. She is herself, neither more nore less than her brother.

There are somethings that came way eaisier with a second child simply because I had some idea what to expect. Nursing for example. I already had the skill of getting latched on well so I was better able to help her learn. I was calmer though the inevatable fussy times. With ds, I felt that if I couldn't get him to stop crying I was a failiure. By the time dd came though i understood that sometimes they are going to cry no matter what you do. I was able to just hold her though the crying spell and know that, even if she was still crying, my being there was helping her. I didn't take the crying as personally.

It's also really interesting to watch her grow because in so many ways she is very diferant than her brother. The variety of human personalities is amazing to me. Same parents, same gean pool, same parenting style, two very diferant kids!


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

As a single child I could not have just one child. Only having one child was the absolute best thing my mother could have done under her circumstances. I love her for it because other wise my life would have been even more difficult. Financially and emotionally she could have NEVER handled it.

But then again, what would it have been like to have someone there with me during those nasty hard times? What would it be like now to have someone to share my current life with?

But mostly, my mothering is going to be aging, as all mothers do. She has NOT prepared herself financially for it. And she has wild expectations about what she wants for herself as she gets older. I am ALL alone with that. I will have to make ALL decisions for her. The financial burden for her care will be SOLELY mine! The emotional burden of how to care for her will be mine alone. And most likely any PHYSICAL care will be mine completely. I so wish I had someone to help me.

On another level, EVERYTHING falls on me. I'm the only one who could make her a grandmother etc. That is a lot of pressure.

So, we will have AT LEAST 2 children!

But that is MY life and MY experience. Everyone is different.


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## Jenifer76 (Apr 20, 2005)

We have two -- DS is five and DD is two. I found it easy to transition when DD was a wee one but harder now that they are both very independent little ones. Looking back, I think we would have been content with one (and I don't say that in anyway to diminish my love for DD so I hope that doesn't sound mean). However, at the time, I felt it was important that DS have a sibling.


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## JanB (Mar 4, 2004)

Someone told me once that you know you should have another child when you feel like there is an empty spot at the table.

I had a lot of ambivalence when we were planning for our second (and then again for our third!) because I worried that maybe I would be shortchanging our son out of our full attention. And I will admit that the first year or so was tough -- they were only 24 months apart, so it was difficult caring for a small infant and a rambunctious toddler. But now that they are a little older, they are like best pals, they entertain each other, they look out for each other, and yes, they do fight, but they learn from it, and honestly I would never go back to having just one. It has been an amazing experience, watching them grow and interact.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

This is really excellent, thank you. I can't wait to read more (I hope) if others contribute. Yes, I would like to hear all different experiences, even (or especially!) if they are very personal (I don't mean PRIVATE but that the reasoning is very UNIQUE to you - such as not wanting an only child due to your own experiences as an only).

I also invite any experiences from anyone who didn't "plan" another but had an "oops," how that turned out. All your experiences are helping putting things in perspective.


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## MoonJelly (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaCrystal* 
But mostly, my mothering is going to be aging, as all mothers do. She has NOT prepared herself financially for it. And she has wild expectations about what she wants for herself as she gets older. I am ALL alone with that. I will have to make ALL decisions for her. The financial burden for her care will be SOLELY mine! The emotional burden of how to care for her will be mine alone. And most likely any PHYSICAL care will be mine completely. I so wish I had someone to help me.

On another level, EVERYTHING falls on me. I'm the only one who could make her a grandmother etc. That is a lot of pressure.

That's an interesting perspective. Thank you. My DH is an only child and what you said rang true a bit. While his parents are _financially_ secure, there is definitely a "heavier" burden on him _emotionally_, particularly with his mom. Her demands on his, and thus _our_, time is definitely high. At least with my parents, I feel like at least if I don't have time for them on a given occasion, I know they can always call my brother.

This is something I have also considered when trying to decide whether to have another.


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## Bethkm (Jun 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rhiannon Feimorgan* 
I have 2. I felt much as you do when ds was 18 months. Now that we have dd, I can't imagine life without her. We waited a while to have a second child, ds was 4.5 when dd was born. We had planned on having children closer together but life got in the way, I had some fertility issues. Now I am realy glad that they were spaced that far apart. Ds got to be a baby as long as he needed to be. I know tandem nursing is possible, and many parents do a wonderful job with children spaced close together but a newborn does take time away from an loder child. Ds was very high needs and I'm not sure how well we would have done with a newborn when he was 2. By 4 though he has self weaned and was much more independant. He was also better able to understand that the baby is little and realy needs mommy just like he did when he was little. Now they are 2 and 6 and they play together much better than I thought they would considering the age diferance. They like to chase each other, or ds will build towers of blocks for dd to knock down.

I think I would have been very happy with just ds. I don't see anything wrong with having an only child. However I'm so glad we have dd. She is herself, neither more nore less than her brother.

There are somethings that came way eaisier with a second child simply because I had some idea what to expect. Nursing for example. I already had the skill of getting latched on well so I was better able to help her learn. I was calmer though the inevatable fussy times. With ds, I felt that if I couldn't get him to stop crying I was a failiure. By the time dd came though i understood that sometimes they are going to cry no matter what you do. I was able to just hold her though the crying spell and know that, even if she was still crying, my being there was helping her. I didn't take the crying as personally.

It's also really interesting to watch her grow because in so many ways she is very diferant than her brother. The variety of human personalities is amazing to me. Same parents, same gean pool, same parenting style, two very diferant kids!









Do we have the same life? I agree with everything you said. My DS is 4 1/2 and DD is almost 4 months. I was ready for another when DS was about 2 but it took awhile to get pg and all that. I love the spacing and just wasn't ready to think about another baby when DS was 18 months.


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bethkm* 







Do we have the same life? I agree with everything you said. My DS is 4 1/2 and DD is almost 4 months. I was ready for another when DS was about 2 but it took awhile to get pg and all that. I love the spacing and just wasn't ready to think about another baby when DS was 18 months.

Yup, but _I_ did it first!





















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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

My kids are 5 years apart and it's perfect. Give yourself more time to think about it.


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## artgirl (May 17, 2002)

I have two and am expecting a third. Unlike you though, I never paused at one and thought that might be enough. I always *assumed* I'd have at least two and secretly hoped for three.
From the having two perspective... Mine are 4.5 and 2. What a JOY. Really. They play so well together and their two personalities are soooo fun to watch. Before ds was born my dd always wanted my attention... 100% of the time. I felt a little overwhelmed. With the two together... they have each other and play. Not that I don't play but if I'm washing the dinner dishes no one feels lonely because they'll go do something together until I'm done. I really love it.

I think I felt more like you when considering the third. The two we have... let's just say I would've been completely okay if for some reason I'd not been able to conceive a third. (I'm 36 now). I decided basically to open myself to whatever happened. If there were another child that wished to join our family we'd welcome that child enthusiastically... but if that weren't in the cards... we'd be okay with that life as well. Well, I got pregnant in two months. Guess it was meant to be. We are all now eagerly waiting for August.

I like the chaos of kids (for the MOST part). I like the different personalities and uniqueness each individual brings to the group. I like the humor. I like watching the kids interact themselves and seeing how they problem solve on their own. I really like being a mom. We are pretty broke. Probably would've been more financially secure stopping at two BUT we can still pay the bills, everyone is fed and dressed. We go to the zoo, on small vacations, etc. I felt if we were going to do it we'd better do it. I'm not getting any younger and we have the rest of our lives to increase our income.

Good luck. Just listen to yourself, it will come.


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## guestmama9915 (Jul 29, 2004)

I had an oops with my 2nd, sort of.. didn't really plan it, but didn't really *not* plan it, if you know what I mean. I thought one was enough for us, though. I didn't necessarily *want* more than one (and now I'm expecting #3).

My two are only 19 months apart.

I thought it would be hard, but it was an easy transition. It was like the new baby just fit into our lives. Her sister immediately LOVED her, and it still hasn't changed, 16 months later.

As for time involved, #1 was my high spirited, very very active child, and #2 was my mellow baby. So I don't think it was that huge of a transition for us. Now they are 3years old and 16 months and they play together very well. It gives me a lot of extra time, I don't feel like I have to play with them all the time.

I love having a house full of kids. I can't wait for the #3 to join us. My daughters are so incredibly close, I wouldn't trade it for anything. My 3yr old comes into our room in the morning (she sleeps in her own room lately) and immediately hugs and kisses her sister and they laugh and snuggle and I couldn't trade that for anything.


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## Jennisee (Nov 15, 2004)

I definitely agree with the person who said that when you know you want another child, you feel like something is missing, like there is an empty spot at the table. I know, deep in my heart, that I want a second child. I want to experience everything again--nursing a baby, the tiny clothes, the newborn diapers, the milestones, watching him/her grow and change. But this time, I would get to experience all that AND the experiences of my DD becoming a big sister. I also feel like we are great parents and could provide a wonderful life for another child.

Now, the other big factor for me is that I adore my brothers, positively adore them, and that bond just gets stronger the older we get. They understand the profound, character-shaping moments of my childhood because they were there, experiencing them alongside me as children themselves. They get that part of me in a way that no one else can, and I feel a strong relief knowing that those memories aren't mine alone. I know that for the rest of my life, I can count on them. All the things that I have to deal with about my parents and grandparents, I go through it with my brothers. It is part of what defines me and it feels peaceful to me. My identity as a sister ranks right up there with my identities as wife and mother.


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

I felt the same way about having a second child the same way I felt about having a first child.......I just really wanted to have a child and then a second. I also knew when I had my second child that I would be done, and I haven't changed my mind.

I knew there would be challenges going from one child to two just from the fact that I only had two hands, but similar to learning routines with my first I learned how to juggle two children.

My children are great playmates already. They enjoy playing with each other as friends. When we are out at a park, they play with each other because they want to, not because they have to! I hope their love for each other carries them through adulthood and beyond.


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## Shahbazin (Aug 3, 2006)

We're not quite to 2 yet, but have already made the irrevokable decision (I'm 23 wks along w/DD#2). They'll be 14 months apart. We knew we wanted at least 2, maybe more, but now we're thinking we'll stick w/2. I was an only child, & DH was one of 3 - both of us felt, from our experiences, that we wanted more than one; also, since I don't have sibs & we're older parents, other relatives will be rather thin on the ground, particularly by the time our kids are adults (DH's parents are in their early 80s, & he's the youngest in his family).


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JanB* 
Someone told me once that you know you should have another child when you feel like there is an empty spot at the table.
.

OMG, this was so true for me! I got to the point where I just stared at that empty space......

We just had our second, and dd is 6 years old. It took me a long time to be ready for a second child (dd was very, very high needs and challenging). Now, I feel our family is perfect. Ds is extremely mellow, esp compared to dd! And dd has chilled out a lot. She is still intense, but has more self-control, and is MUCH more independent. I love our spacing









My father was an only, and my grandmother (his mother) died 2 years ago. That was about the time that we started to ttc #2, and the events were very related. My father was always saying that we should have another. And then there he was--solely responsible for his ailing/dying mother, and with no one to either share the burden of her care, or to share the memories of his childhood. I didn't want that for dd. I know having another is no guarantee, but at least they _could_ be there for each other in adulthood.


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

First- all of you who have 2 and they play like a dream... will you PM me your secret cuz....

my 2 are 3 years apart. I love the spacing for the fact that dd did get to be a baby for a fairly long time, i did keep nursing her until just recently and aside from a little bump or 2 when ds came along, she ended on her own terms, so that was great. she's potty-learned (tho obsessed w. pooping and whatnot, which is... sigh. tiring), in preschool this year, etc... etc... ie; her level of independence is much appreciated.

she does *love* her little bro, but being a spirited girl and high needs in the attention dept. the sibling relationship is hard. Being spaced this much apart meas that while they are interacting more than i thought they would at this age, dd is really protective of her things and her space and i have been playing sibling referee (for lack of a better term) since ds was like 3 months. literally, i read _Siblings W/O Rivalry_ when he was 3 months, not because i thought i would start early, but because i really needed it!!









As far as the second goes- wow, parenting is a breeze, in terms of it not being new. love it. would do it again. I adore getting to know this new being; i was amazed to think i would have another as much as i love dd, but here he is!!

i'm not sure how coherent this is, but i think my underlying message is: sibs are great, i love having 2, i would contemplate 3 if dh was open and he's not. BUT, for me, it's been hard in ways i didn't expect, easy in other ways.... it's a different trip, for sure. life with one now seems as leisurely as life with none. but i would not go back to either of those lives...


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## Dov'sMom (Jan 24, 2007)

I am one of six, so I guess I can't really bring my personal experience to bear...







But my mother and MIL are both only children and they both regret it deeply.

As children, they were both lonely, and both miss deeply having close relatives for themselves and for their children.

However, I've talked to both of them a lot about this, and they agree that the worst part of being an only child is having to make all the medical decisions about their parents themselves. I guess that's far down the road, but it's a big thing.

I understand why a parent might want only one child, but for the child's sake, I would say to have at least another.


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## MoonJelly (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dov'sMom* 
I am one of six, so I guess I can't really bring my personal experience to bear...







But my mother and MIL are both only children and they both regret it deeply.

As children, they were both lonely, and both miss deeply having close relatives for themselves and for their children.


I wonder if this opinion varies between males and females. My DH is an only child and has nothing but good things to say about it.

_I_ am really the one who doesn't like having to handle his parents. I think that's because I was totally mentally unprepared to have in-laws. I have my own set of parents and didn't really want any more of them.


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

I didn't want a second until DD1 was about 19-20 months old.

For the first 6 months after DD2 was born, it was HARD. I am not good with change to begin with, and this was major change (never mind those people that say it's easier the second time!).

BUT - DD2 rocks. She has changed the way I parent BOTH of my kids. I'm much more laid back, let more things go, allow more messiness, try to make them laugh more. I'm reveling in her toddlerhood, whereas with DD1 I just wanted her to get older faster.

No regrets here. (but also no more kids - we are done!)


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## TranscendentalMom (Jun 28, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JanB* 
Someone told me once that you know you should have another child when you feel like there is an empty spot at the table.

That's so sweet! And so true. I remember the DAY I knew I wanted 2nd child. I was going back and forth about the issue. I felt very much like the OP. We had this happy, sweet easy little boy, we could still do all the things we wanted to do etc etc. We were 100% fulfilled at that moment. Many of my friends were getting pregnant and I really didn't feel much interest. I couldn't imagine going thru all that again. Then one day my son was playing in the creek and I was just watching him and suddenly I could FEEL the presence of another, younger child. It just made me smile and from that day on, I felt so excited to concieve again. Ds had just turned 2 when we got pregnant a few months later.

My 2nd pregnancy was hard, I enrolled ds in a parttime preschool 3 mornings a week which was a life saver. That gave me time to rest and enjoy my pregnancy. But I was MUCH more exhausted the 2nd time. By the time dd was born, I knew this was my LAST pregnancy.

I also got the chance to have a homebirth with dd which I hadn't done the first time. It was amazing. Labor was SO MUCH BETTER the 2nd time. I knew what to expect. wasn't scared etc. When she arrived, it felt so natural. There was no adjustment to becoming a mother because I already was.

There have been many ups and down since she was born. Like I said in another post, I love having 2 kids, but I didn't love have 1 baby and 1 kid. Dd was a fussy baby and that whole first year was tough. Luckily, ds was amazing for the most part. The days that he wasn't are etched into dark memories in my brain...

All in all, the secret with 2 kids is SPACING. I think some people get lucky and it goes well when they have 2 close together. But knowing what I know now, I would not space closer than 3 years apart. If they are closer than that, it might go fine, but all it takes is an illness, a husband going out of town one week, etc etc and you feel like you might lose it. Its a bad feeling when you are giving everything you've got and it doesn't feel like its enough.

At times having 2 kids is twice as hard, maybe harder. Other times it is easier. When they play for hours and you hear them laughing and talking together...those are the best days with 2. Sometimes, when ds is at school, dd will wander around saying "Lucas? Lucas? go get Lucas?" As far as fighting goes, its been so easy. Their love for each other is amazing and its heaven to watch.

I would recommend 2 books to you - 1 is "Waiting for Birdy" by Catherine Newman (sp?) and the other is called "Beyond One" both are realistic and funny memoirs about having a 2nd child. They'll give you a glimpse what its like.

I would also WAIT. 18 months is really young - still a baby in lots of ways - and I'm not surprised you don't feel the urge yet. Good luck!


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
How/why did you decide to have a second (or third, or fourth, etc.) child, or not?

I wanted to have more than one child. Just that simple for me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
And, how is the experience of a second different from the first?

I didn't "enjoy" being a parent to ds. I love him, don't get me wrong, but that bond took a long time. I found every thing tedious, I felt guilty all the time. I felt stumped. It was just plain weird.

This time, completely different. I'm having fun! I knew what to expect for birth (that knowledge was scary though), for infancy, for sleep, for nusring. I loved her so much more quickly, I know how to love a child, a child of mine now. It's hard, very hard...but in a different way. I don't question, or even think about parenting. I mean I do, but you know. It actually IS intuitive this time around.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
I mean, do two children take TWICE the time?


Sometimes its twice, other times it's 20.

I think you need to decide to have another, or not, and see where that takes you. It's impossible to "know" anything before experiencing it if that makes sense.


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JanB* 
Someone told me once that you know you should have another child when you feel like there is an empty spot at the table.


That's sweet.


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## Marlet (Sep 9, 2004)

I went back and forth about the "do I want another one?" feelings for awhile. Dh has always wanted more than one (ideally three or four







) but after DD was born it just clicked in my mind to have an only. DH has a son from a previous marriage so I never had that fear she would be lonely. After DSS lived with us for a bit (he's 5 years older than DD) I really decided I only wanted one.

I still longed for a baby though and my body knew this. It too over and that tricky thing called ovulation snuck up on me. I'm currently due in August.







DD and this babe will be 27 months apart (I got pregnant when DD was 18 months) and I'm starting to look forward to it. I still don't quite have the feeling that there is another spot open at the table but I know that will change. After all, we can buy a new table.


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TranscendentalMom* 
I would recommend 2 books to you - 1 is "Waiting for Birdy" by Catherine Newman (sp?)

i loved this book. it was laugh-out-loud-till-you-pee kind of book for me.

yes, 2 kids often takes 20 times the amount of time... and energy... and patience. and then other times... not. we just flew east to west with our two, and honestly, it was one of the easier trips we've had- easier than when we just had one.

no way to predict. go with the gut!!


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## apple_dumpling (Oct 20, 2004)

OP, I'm in your boat... dd just turned two, and DH and I are very back and forth as to whether or not we'd like to add another child to our family.

Right now since we are on the fence, we've decided to wait a while. My health isn't great, and would likely get worse with a pregnancy. Mentally (and physically) I don't think I could deal with two under the age of 4. That's just me... I know many people IRL who have two under the age of 4, and they parent beautifully without much problem.

I really think that when dd gets a bit older, maybe around 4 or 5, that we might TTC #2.... but right now I"m just not feeling that indescribeable urge for a child like I felt before we had dd. I feel somewhat complete with our family right this minute. I agree that barring an "oops" that you would welcome, you'll probably just know when the time is right to TTC #2, or you'll just know that you are done with one.


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## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

I always knew I wanted another... As high needs as DD was, and I don't think I realized HOW high needs she was until I had DS, we both knew we wanted more. Now that DS is here, 9 weeks old, we are still sure we want another. We haven't felt like it was an "if" but a "when." We are both one of three and love our siblings, loved growing up with someone to share life with and really appreciate them as adults. It is hard and I am SO SO glad that we have 3 years between them. But it will get easier (and it's not twice the work, or at least it doesn't seem like it). We thought we wanted three, two years apart. We are now considering spacing the next one more like four years apart. I need the spacing but love the kids!


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## sunshine's mama (Mar 3, 2007)

I had never planned on having any children...then I became pregnant with dd and can't imagine my life without ever having her....I instantly wanted another the minute she was born.....soaking in all the newness...

Then we were told no more children without lots of outside help and we don't have $$ for that so it took me 2.5 years to undo that wanting another child so dearly.......but I became ok with it and embraced it and my little girl.....

So SURPRISE, here I am 17wks along, at the bewilderment of my MW and endocrinologist







, and it's proving so hard to undo that thinking...way harder than I would've ever thought.....

DD is absolutly fascinated by having a baby sister, wanting to know how she is growing in HER space (she claimed my tummy as HERS the minute she knew that's where she grew) etc.......but I still can't see myself with 2 if that makes sense.....kinda freaks me out...but she wants a sister so bad and is sooo happy and I am sure that once the Hypermesis goes away, I will be too....

I had a sister and loved growing up with her....we are polar opposites in every way there can be and don't get along as well now but it comes and goes....and I would love dd to have a relationship like I did with my sister when I was younger......she won't be alone in the world....

I do need to add that dd already has a step sister.....who is 7 (dd will be 3 in a month) and is with us 10 days a month but doesn't talk to or play with dd unless she is asked to and then complains about it the entire time....they do not get along despite DD trying her heart out only to get doors slammed in her face (literally)...DH is working on things with his first about this but it's hard....esp when DD tries so hard, loves her so much and gets basically nothing in return right now....sorry, tangent...had an issue with it last night...

Anyhoo....

I think once the shock of having 2 wears off, it will be great......and I am happy we beat the odds to have one on our own.....prolly our last....so I am fine with 2.....


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## Oklahoma Mama (Feb 12, 2003)

I have 2 boys aged 3 and 5. It was very difficult the first year with two kids under the age of 3, but now my boys spend days playing together. They have a very strong bond and I can't imagine life without my 3 year old. My 5 year old loves his little brother. Yes, there is sibling rivalry that I wouldn't have dealt with if I only had one child, but that rivalry helps my children learn how to get along.


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