# Should have looked here weeks ago...



## Mom to E and A (Jul 11, 2005)

I'm not sure how much I'll get out before I have to stop, but I lost my baby girl 2 weeks ago tomorrow at 36 weeks gestation. I went into labor and there was no heartbeat to be found when I arrived at the hospital. Her cord was wrapped around her neck 5 times and there was a knot in it.
I miss her so much. I'm so sad and angry and frustrated with everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing "too well" but other times I'm jsut a mess and have no desire to do anything but research on the Internet and cry.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, but guess I just needed to get it out in a safe place. Thanks for listening.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart just breaks for you.


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

((hugs)) I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Thinking of you. So sorry for your loss

















Elise Renee


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss...


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Oh mama... the biggest HUG ever for you... I'm so sorry. So very sorry. I wish no one ever had to come here, ever. But the women here are amazingly strong and so supportive, and you'll find - at least I have - that connecting with others who have experienced the loss of a child is some comfort in a world that seems to offer very little...

What was your little girl's name?


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.





















Your dd has a beautiful name.

If you ever feel up to sharing pictures of Elise we would love to see them. It's rough in those first days when you want to share but no one wants to see or they don't feel comfortable looking. I know I still carry my dd's pic in my wallet and thus far have never had anyone ask to see her. I wish someone would...


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I'm glad you found us too. This is a hard road & finding companionship along the way makes it just about bearable.









If you ever want to tell us more about your precious daughter, we'd love to hear about her.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
I'm so sorry.





















Your dd has a beautiful name.

If you ever feel up to sharing pictures of Elise we would love to see them. It's rough in those first days when you want to share but no one wants to see or they don't feel comfortable looking. I know I still carry my dd's pic in my wallet and thus far have never had anyone ask to see her. I wish someone would...


That's what I get for not checking sig. lines...









Elise is a beautiful name... And I second the sharing pictures... I have my son's picture as computer wallpaper, and have one in my wallet, too.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I am so very, very sorry that you have needed to find us. My heart breaks every time someone new arrives here. I also lost my baby daughter in labor, 6 months ago and I have found this forum to be a lifeline through some very dark times.















Elise Renee

We are here to listen when you need us and to honor your sweet baby girl with you.

I wish you gentle days as you learn to live without her.


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

Oh, I wish you weren't here for the reason you are here, but I am really really glad you came. I feel such a sinking pain when I see new people on this board. This is a safe place to talk and get support. Please know that you can always pm me if you need a private ear...I am so so sorry your daughter isn't in your arms where she belongs. It simply is not fair.








Elise

Sending you much love, strength and grounding.


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## mammabunny (May 8, 2008)

I'm so sorry.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry, mama.







My heart goes out to you. Many, many hugs. This is a wonderful group of ladies. I'm sad to see you here, but this is a great place for support. Her name is beautiful!







:









Elise Renee


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Elise is a beautiful name. I'm so sorry that you aren't holding her right now. I truly hate to see someone new here. I'm glad you found us though. There is amazing support here. I remember feeling lke you.. like I was doing 'too well' at times... it didn't feel right that I could smile, or laugh. It has gotten easier to embrace all my feelings as time went on, and now 7 months later, I cry less and feel happiness more. Our babies are ALWAYS there, in our hearts and in our thoughts.. that doesn't seem to change no matter how long it's been. I'm glad for that.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh Kelly, I am so sorry. I remember being where you are. Huge, *HUGE* hugs to you, and so much love, and so many healing vibes. We support one another so much here. I am glad you found us.

Again, *HUGE hugs* xxxxxxXXXXXX


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Thinking of you and your family. We're here when you need us. Though no one would pick to share this road we do have a great group here for support.

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Mom to E and A (Jul 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
That's what I get for not checking sig. lines...









Elise is a beautiful name... And I second the sharing pictures... I have my son's picture as computer wallpaper, and have one in my wallet, too.

I will have to get some "real" pics up on photobucket. i have the "nice" ones on my facebook, but the rest are only on a memory card at the moment.
Actually here are the "touched up" ones...obviously the second is an artist rendition of what she should have looked like, DH loves it, I like it, but it's not what I saw...I prefer this first one, since it is only slightly touched up...
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...withclouds.jpg
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...4/image001.jpg

I have read some of the blogs in siggys since checking this forum out, and I must say, they are wonderful. Your's in particular...today is the 2 week mark and when you wrote on yours, it is exactly where I am today, thank you for sharing. I wish I could write eloquently enough for people to feel compeled to keep reading, but alas, I write too "mechanically" for blogging.

Anyway, thank you for the welcome, today kinda sucks so I am going back into my black hole to cry some more....


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

I'm so sorry mama...


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## Catubodua (Apr 21, 2008)

i'm so sorry for your loss


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mom to E and A* 
I will have to get some "real" pics up on photobucket. i have the "nice" ones on my facebook, but the rest are only on a memory card at the moment.
Actually here are the "touched up" ones...obviously the second is an artist rendition of what she should have looked like, DH loves it, I like it, but it's not what I saw...I prefer this first one, since it is only slightly touched up...
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...withclouds.jpg
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...4/image001.jpg

I have read some of the blogs in siggys since checking this forum out, and I must say, they are wonderful. Your's in particular...today is the 2 week mark and when you wrote on yours, it is exactly where I am today, thank you for sharing. I wish I could write eloquently enough for people to feel compeled to keep reading, but alas, I write too "mechanically" for blogging.

Anyway, thank you for the welcome, today kinda sucks so I am going back into my black hole to cry some more....










Your Elise is a beautiful, beautiful girl! Thank you so much for sharing her picture here. We mamas are so proud of our babies, even if they're gone from us too soon...

My heart broke when I read that you'd lost her two weeks ago. There's another woman here, who was on my DDC actually, who lost her son just a few days before we lost ours. It's been heartening to see her/my feelings/reactions have been quite similar, and the mamas here say they, too, remember when, being right at this place, two weeks, three weeks out from the loss...

I know this is a journey that others have made, a path others have taken, and it's painful as hell (it pretty much IS hell, as far as I can see...) but they're still breathing, they're still living life... there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I hold onto that hope.

And we can cry together. We all cry together, for each other, for our babies. Our own wailing wall.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mom to E and A* 
I will have to get some "real" pics up on photobucket. i have the "nice" ones on my facebook, but the rest are only on a memory card at the moment.
Actually here are the "touched up" ones...obviously the second is an artist rendition of what she should have looked like, DH loves it, I like it, but it's not what I saw...I prefer this first one, since it is only slightly touched up...
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...withclouds.jpg
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...4/image001.jpg

I have read some of the blogs in siggys since checking this forum out, and I must say, they are wonderful. Your's in particular...today is the 2 week mark and when you wrote on yours, it is exactly where I am today, thank you for sharing. I wish I could write eloquently enough for people to feel compeled to keep reading, but alas, I write too "mechanically" for blogging.

Anyway, thank you for the welcome, today kinda sucks so I am going back into my black hole to cry some more....









Elise is so beautiful.









On the subject of blogging - I write my blog for me really. If other people read then I feel tremendously touched and privileged but essentially it's an outlet for me ... and I "love" (for want of a better word) to read about other mamas' journeys. I read for their experiences rather than their prose (though I agree, there are some eloquent mamas out there). I also keep a journal for stuff that is too personal for my blog - I write that in the form of letters to Emma. I like having that small link to her. It's just taking time (and waiting for the energy too) to discover what helps and what hinders on this journey.

I hope the upcoming days are gentle.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
On the subject of blogging...

I started mine still raw and in shock from William's death. (Not that, ya know, I'm not still... but it's not like those first days...) Someone suggested it. "Write about it. It will be good therapy."

It seemed like a good idea... something to DO. That felt good. I've never been a good talker. I'm an introvert IRL and rarely talk about how I feel. This was a way I could, at the very least, articulate the feelings, which seemed much too huge for me to contain.

And I, too, read and read and read other mamas' stories. It's for the connection, not for the words they choose.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

First, I'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful Elise. This is a strange place-- none of want to be here, none of us want anyone else to have to be here, but if you're going to have to lose a child, it's nice to be in the company of those who truly understand.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
My heart broke when I read that you'd lost her two weeks ago. There's another woman here, who was on my DDC actually, who lost her son just a few days before we lost ours. It's been heartening to see her/my feelings/reactions have been quite similar, and the mamas here say they, too, remember when, being right at this place, two weeks, three weeks out from the loss...

I would be the "another woman" and I would agree that it's been really heartening to see that I am not alone in my emotions and reactions at this point in time. And as she said, one of the few things that keeps me tethered is hearing the stories of women who've experienced a stillbrith and hearing that they once felt the way I do now and that they've somehow managed to keep going a find some pieces of joy and happiness.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I'm so sorry you're here. Elise is a beautiful little girl. I hope these days are going as easy as possible on you.


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## Unconventional1 (Apr 3, 2006)

So sorry for your lost beautiful Elise....









Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
I'm so sorry.





















Your dd has a beautiful name.

If you ever feel up to sharing pictures of Elise we would love to see them. It's rough in those first days when you want to share but no one wants to see or they don't feel comfortable looking. I know I still carry my dd's pic in my wallet and thus far have never had anyone ask to see her. I wish someone would...

I saw her picture.... she is beautiful.... thanks for sharing


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

What a beautiful little girl.







Elise


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## amluna (Apr 20, 2009)

What a beautiful baby! I'm so sorry the loss of your precious Elise. Thanks for sharing her picture. I hope you can find a few moments of peace today.
Anne Marie

mother to Griffin 2-16-05, Phoebe born still 2-1-07, Henry chd b 3-12-08 d 5-8-08, and baby Gus mc 3-10-09


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

huge hugs to you and you are very welcomed here.

Grief class teacher said writing is a great way to express your feelings. so much better to let them out or they will cause problems if allowed to brew.

more hugs. Elise Renee is gorgeous.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 

Grief class teacher said writing is a great way to express your feelings. so much better to let them out or they will cause problems if allowed to brew.

And it doesn't have to be public! Just journal. On the computer if you type fast, or even longhand in a notebook.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
And it doesn't have to be public! Just journal. On the computer if you type fast, or even longhand in a notebook.

yeah she actually made us get a journal. that was the intention. I actually asked her what she thought about blogging and she doesn't really like it especially if you are writing for 'responses' or even with the knowledge of whom is reading. makes sense. cuz you are not blogging for YOU and may not be completely truthful with all of your feelings or whatnot. but I still blog


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Elise is a beautiful little girl.







Thank you for sharing her picture with us.


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter









My loss was very early in pregnancy, and so quite different an experience, but I get the whole "doing too good" idea. In the early days afer my miscarriage I felt ridiculous laughing, or having a good conversation with someone, and I worried about what it meant. But now I'm thinking grief is like nothing else on earth, it's logical and illogical at the same time, it makes complete sense, and then it makes no sense at all.


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

Elise is beautiful. Thank you for sharing her beautiful picture with us here.








It is wonderful that you are sharing.

I still have not shared my daughter's picture with anyone, not here or on my blog, or in real life.

On blogging, reading blogs of other women on this journey is incredibly healing for me. Writing saved my life. I have no doubt. But I did what other women suggested. I journalled for two months, wrote and extended Lucy's birth story, which I first wrote for here. And then would write various snippets of things that affected me.

For me, i wrote a letter to a host of a show dealing with family issues on our local npr station. i wrote asking him to do a show on stillbirth and birth loss. they published my letter in the philly inquirer, and his blog, and from there he asked me to participate in a chat about grief and stillbirth. I saw the hundreds and hundreds of people that participated in that chat, and saw the universality of that. It made me feel very connected in a way I hadn't been connected. I started a blog that night, and have been writing since...it is an incredibly rich experience. It has only been two months, but it feels like years.

Sorry, that was long, but all I'm saying is start out with what you are comfortable with writing...you will know what your next steps are and where you want to take your writing.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)




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## mountainmummy (Sep 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mom to E and A* 
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing "too well" but other times I'm jsut a mess and have no desire to do anything but research on the Internet and cry.

You know, Kelly, until I read that, I'd forgotten just how much this used to be me. Analyzing every single pang, wondering if I was grieving 'right', or avoiding and somehow not going 'through' the process. Then just drowning myself online with grief sites, and sites on cord accidents.

I found I was always wondering when I was going to start feeling better, constantly questioning my grief process. Once I did start having 'good' days, or parts of days, I would freak out thinking I was doing 'too well' and not honouring my daughter. Those times, I now realize, are a gift. Accept them, and know that your pain is not gone, but you are allowed to feel moments of peace, and even happiness.

Now, I can reflect and realize that that constant worrying and freaking out was part of my grief process, and there was no right or wrong. It just was what it was. My advice is to just accept what comes to you. Don't expect too much of yourself, and don't try to 'control' your grief. Just let the pain wash over you (and the happy, calm moments too) the anticipation is worse than the experience.

We're here with you Kelly, you are not alone in your pain. I'm so sorry.
Steph


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mom to E and A* 
I will have to get some "real" pics up on photobucket. i have the "nice" ones on my facebook, but the rest are only on a memory card at the moment.
Actually here are the "touched up" ones...obviously the second is an artist rendition of what she should have looked like, DH loves it, I like it, but it's not what I saw...I prefer this first one, since it is only slightly touched up...
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...withclouds.jpg
http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...4/image001.jpg

I have read some of the blogs in siggys since checking this forum out, and I must say, they are wonderful. Your's in particular...today is the 2 week mark and when you wrote on yours, it is exactly where I am today, thank you for sharing. I wish I could write eloquently enough for people to feel compeled to keep reading, but alas, I write too "mechanically" for blogging.

Anyway, thank you for the welcome, today kinda sucks so I am going back into my black hole to cry some more....









oh, beautiful elise. i wish you were holding her in your arms.







dang it.







oh man. sweetie, i would definitely feel compelled to read a blog if you wanted to start one. every week i would log on and read it. honey i don't think it is possible to write mechanically when you have lost a child. we all know the pain so much.
i can say that one day you will feel joy again. i can honestly say that. you will always remember your sweet elise, but in the strangest way it makes us better people. you may read this and shake your head now and i completely understand that, but you will be happy again. please come to us whenever you need to and don't hold back. i even came to these women when i thought that i might get a divorce because they have been such an amazing support system.







s!


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