# "Controlled Spanking" help me debunk



## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

My parents raised me on the Dr. Dobson method of spanking. They sat me down and told me what I did was wrong and why it was wrong and that the bible told them they had to spank and told me what verses. They would tell me to go to their room where I would recieve one or two swats with this wooden paddle that had a scripture on it. They emphatically believe that not only is this not child abuse but to not spank children is going to create criminals. (gag). I also have some friends who use a similar method for spanking - very controlled - no parent striking the child in a crazed / angry fashion.

But it's STILL SPANKING. It still causes harm in my opinion.

Can anyone point me to studies / information that focuses on THIS kind of spanking - not parents just smaking their kids out of anger or beating a kid until there are marks. I don't know how to explain to them that this is still harmful because much of the info about spanking out there lumps all the different kinds together. I mean they are all violent, but the research gets dismissed by people who say, "I don't spank like that - I'm never out of control or angry and we always hug after." Any thoughts?


----------



## Sillygoose (Oct 20, 2005)

No studies, but I think that making a child hug you and be okay with it after you have just delibarately, methodically, and thoughtfully HURT THEM is emotional abuse on top of physical abuse.

I'm sure the well-read and thoughtful mamas here will have more useful things to say to you than that. Peace.


----------



## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

Honestly, it creeps me out. (and no offense meant to your parents, I was spanked and love my parents dearly, I think they did the best they could based on what they knew...) The *premeditated* spanking just seems so, SO wrong to me. I don't agree with spanking, EVER, but I can empathize with the "losing-your-temper-smack-the-bottom" variety - I don't endorse it, think parents who do lose it need to check themselves, but I understand that better than PLANNING to hit your children. And I think that making someone hug you after you hit them is sick....

I know other mamas here will give you much more eloquent, intellectual reasoning about the "why nots" of this - but I'm just relaying my gut reaction.


----------



## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Evidently Dr. Sear's Discipline book has some information about controlled "spanking" ("guidelines" with cautions and explanations why other alternatives are preferrable). It _might_ help.

Check if Alice ****** has anything. She is quite a researcher and against physical punishments. She has quite a few articles on Jan Hunt's website: www.naturalchild.com. Also check The Center for Effective Discipline. I believe they have documentation regarding the whole "loving" parent hitting children issue. Also www.NoSpank.net has many articles regarding the sexual dangers, emotional dangers, etc. that even controlled hitting imbues. And Alfie Kohn may have info on his website.

HTH, Pat


----------



## mollyeilis (Mar 6, 2004)

I have no studies, but IMO, that sort of controlled hitting feels psychopathic to me. To me, doing harm without at least being angry at a person feels like THAT will create a criminal. IT's ugly to me.

We weren't spanked as children, but on occasion once I started hitting my teen years, my mom and I would get into a slapfest, one of us whapping the other on the leg, or arm for example, as we walked by. It was like the emotions had just spilled over as we argued, and came out physically...we were almost the same size by then (she was a little heavier, but I was in really good shape and was strong, and we were about the same height). Right after, the emotion would be spent and we'd feel rotten, and someone would always apologize and in an hour or so we'd be fine. *While that isn't something I yearn to recreate with my own children*, it seems more natural, more organic, more NORMAL...than to hit someone in a controlled fashion.


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sillygoose*
No studies, but I think that making a child hug you and be okay with it after you have just delibarately, methodically, and thoughtfully HURT THEM is emotional abuse on top of physical abuse.


I completely agree. My parents spanked us very seldom, and pretty gently--all things considered. Yet if they had tried to hug me immediately following a spanking I would have been so digusted I wouldn't have been able to stand their touch for probably weeks afterward.

~Nay


----------



## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

I remember screaming "I hate you! I hate you!" at my mom after a spanking when she wanted to hug me. It was so violating. I was always the kind of kid who would change my behavior if you'd just give me a logical reason. I was a really good kid. But they insisted on spanking anyways. And they wonder why I am so pissed off about the topic today as an adult.


----------



## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

THis is a really hard one because the earliest studies against spanking were along the line of the slippery slope to child abuse.
When my oldest was born I remember reading how bad spanking and abuse were but I still was left with the impression that a parent still could and should spank, but must never hit their child out of anger because that is what puts you on the slippery slope to abuse.
Now It didnt take a study to convince me that I really did not believe I was going to change my child's mind by hurting her. It also didnt take any further studies for me to understand that hitting your child is just as unkind and painful if you are doing it calmly or with anger in your veins.
I really don't know what studies are out there regarding this type of spanking. It IS a shame that most studies on the harms of spanking are studies of very abusive households and the bad outcomes that those generally entail. HOpefully somebody will have some links.
But if it were me, I would be perfectly confident to respond that spanking your child is Unkind no matter how you do it, and it violates the sacred trust between parent and child.
I dont need a study to tell me that my child trusts me to protect her/him from harm. And to be the vehicle of such harm would be to violate that trust.
Joline


----------



## sunflower_mama (Aug 26, 2005)

I was also raised with "controlled spanking" straight from Dr. Dobson by my father and spanking out of anger from my mom. I am the oldest of 8, so there are still a number of siblings at home, who until five years ago, were still being spanked.

Here is what actually worked for me, when my dad confronted my "no spanking" stance. I do not have a study. I do not think that would work. He is a scientist, but the Bible is saying this is the way to go, so a study may not cut it. I said that I believe that discipline is teaching and guiding a child. It comes from the root disciple, which means student or pupil. I said that I could not see Jesus hitting his disciples when they made mistakes. He taught them and told them stories to help them learn their "lessons." Then my dad immediately brought up the scripture about sparing the rod, spoiling the child. I replied that a shepherd's rod (which is the rod being referred to in this passage) is never used to hit the sheep. It is used to *guide* them. If Jesus is the Good Shepherd and holding a shepherd's rod, I do not think he is out to hit us with it. I believe he is there to gently guide us. (Please note that I do not want to push my beliefs on anyone with this post. I am simply sharing what I said that changed someone's view.)

Well, my father was silent. This topic has never been mentioned again. I know that within one year of this discussion there was no more spanking in my parent's house and soon after that I finally got the "pretend spanking" to stop. (When we would visit, some of my brothers wd pretend to spank dd.) For me, this was a major victory!!!

I hope you can find something to help in your situation. I also sometimes take the approach of "Well, if I am creating criminals, (by not spanking) then I am the parent, and I will have to deal with that when the time comes."


----------



## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Wow Patricia!!
What an amazing thing you did!


----------



## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Yes, Patricia, I was very moved by hearing about your experience. Thank you for sharing it. It gives me hope.

Pat


----------



## sunflower_mama (Aug 26, 2005)

well,







thank you and you are welcome.

I just hope it can help, in some small way.


----------

