# stillborn @ 39 weeks..birth story



## vulnerable (Apr 21, 2009)

last wed jan 12, oddly enough i was scheduled for a c section. the day before I had a

feeling something wasn't exactly right, but everyone kept telling me my baby was fine and i

was just paranoid. so I dismissed my feelings and decided they were probably right. all

night long i couldn't sleep i was doing everything and anything to try to get him to move.

I thought i felt hiccups I don't know if i actually did, I layed in bed banging my stomach

reading signs of stillbirth on the Internet ect. I would feel body parts and push and i

guess he was just shifting from my pushing cause at the time i thought maybe it was slight

movement. I knew that babies sleep a lot before labor and since I was having strong

contraction that is all he was doing.

I leave for the hospital and told the babies dad I think he is dead. He got mad at me for

even saying anything like that. Walk into the labor room and tell them I am worried

something isnt right. THey hook me up to the monitor and she said there thats your baby,

stop worrying. The heart rate was 128-133. I felt so relieved. She started to take my

info, we were all joking and laughing I was back to being excited for the birth of my son.

All the paperwork took an hour and the computer they use for the monitor is the same one

they input info into. She closed out the screen looked at my belly and then monitor.

Turned the sound back up grabbed the blood pressure cuff. the heart rate was now 99-103.

She ran out of the room and grabbed the charge nurse. She layed me down and put the

monitor in a different spot of my stomach and she said well his heart rate is low as it

was going back to 120-130. She said she needed to call my Dr to get things moving. I

looked at her and said is he dead? She said no why would you say that and then looked at

other nurse and ran out of room for ultrasound machine. By this time my dr another

surgeon, anesthesiologists, lots of nurses were all in the room. Ultrasound techs did the

heart check where nothing came across the screen other than a grey line. I knew then, she

had tears in her eyes and the anesthesiologist tried to distract me asking me about my

daughter. I asked if he was dead what was going on and she said I am not a dr i cant tell

you. (she was the same tech I have seen for the past 2 years and always told me

everything) Dr comes over, she showed him the diaphragm which had some movement (i still

am confused as to why) and his hearbeat or lack there of. He turned around and shook his

head and tears in his eyes and i said I knew it. That is when I lost it, I was so mad the

nurse had me thinking everything was fine for an hour. I knew something was wrong,

expressed it a million times. I guess my anxiety and fears had made my pulse go up so

high and she didnt realize that, I said I wanted general anesthesia I didnt want to think, feel or hear anything. they wouldn't do

that but did knock me out so I was out of it. his dad was right next to me the entire

time and when they finally dressed and cleaned the baby off, they brought him over to us.

All I saw was a little head, blue hat, wrapped in a blanket. A precious little baby

sleeping. He almost passed out I screamed and cried. I didn't want to see him, I failed

him, my body failed him. I was and am heartbroken.

After surgery his dad and his parents went into the other room and held him. I didn't

want to see or hold him but finally agreed to see him after I saw a picture of him. He

was so precious, chubby 8 lbs. 8 oz. 21 inches long. I stared at him through tears as his

dad held him for me to see. I wish I had held him now. But at the time it was too hard.

We named him Gunnar James. They say he died less than 24 hours before, no idea why. Placenta was perfect cord everything seemed fine. I denied the autopsy.

What kills me is I was suppose to have a csection the week prior but his lungs were not fully mature. If they had taken him then he would have had a chance a life, stuck in the nicu but still alive.

Tomorrow I have to go to the funeral home. I had no idea I would have to make

arrangements for anything. I was shocked 5 hours after birth I had people in my room

asking what funeral home, if we were having a funeral, burial, etc. I am horrible with

death and never went to a funeral in my life. We decided to cremate him and scatter the

ashes in the ocean... A place for both of us to go in peace.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I am so sorry. Nothing will make it better right now. I lost mine at 40 weeks but I cherish the photos I have of her. If you can, hold Gunnar before the cremation. Take pictures, undress him, hold him skin to skin, take a lock of hair, get footprints and handprints, You only have a few moments to make memories for a lifetime.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep can provide a photographer.

I will hold you and your family in my heart.

PM if you would like to talk to someone who has been there. (((HUGS)))








Gunnar James


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## tank (Nov 22, 2010)

I can't even imagine how horrible that must have been. I am so sorry. Your story teared me up. Hugs to you mama.


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to express the pain you feel. Praying for your family at this time


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## mama2myangels07 (May 2, 2007)




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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please be gentle on yourself during this difficult time. I wish you and your family much peace.


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## tippy (Mar 9, 2008)

i'm so so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I am so sorry, mama.
















Gunnar James


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so sorry mama. Rest peacefully Gunnar James


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm so sorry.


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

I am so sorry for you loss Mama : (


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I am so sorry mama


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## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

Oh mama I am so, so sorry. I too have been there... I hope you find some support on this board. it helped me tremendously. Peace, love, and healing to you and your family.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Oh, Jenn, I am so very, very sorry for your loss of Gunnar.








Gunnar James You are in my thoughts.

I lost my son at 38 weeks; he died when I was in labor, probably shortly before we got to the hospital.

In our case, we know it was an umbilical cord accident.

I will echo namaste_mom's words - the few photos I have of my son (unfortunately I did not know about NILMDTS

until weeks later), the lock of hair I cut, and the short time I spent holding and touching him

are precious mementos and memories now.

I wish I had known back then that I could go to the funeral home and hold him again before he was cremated.

The PAL message board was a huge source of support and comfort for me in the months afterwards.

May you also find that here.


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Oh mama. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Gunnar. Words never seem to do it during times like these. I didn't see or hold my son in the hospital after I had him, I had the same reaction as you did. I felt really guilty about it for a long time afterward, but I do have pictures and I have come to realize that a lot of us have a similar reaction after our child is stillborn. You will be in my prayers mama.


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

love to you mama and your sweet baby boy


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

I am so so sorry for your tremendous loss. Please know i'm thinking of you and your little Gunnar.


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

i am so sorry for your most difficult loss.


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## elisheva (May 30, 2006)

Holding all of you in my heart and prayers. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm so sorry.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Gunnar James









I'm so sorry for your loss, mama. Please be gentle with yourself. Your baby knew nothing but your love.


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## vulnerable (Apr 21, 2009)

Thank you for all the support. It really means a lot. Today is the viewing and I have been doing everything I can to prepare but I am not ready. I still think he is just sleeping, that its all a dream. I know it gets easier but right now it doesnt seem possible. The funeral home did an amazing job with his body tho. He looks so peaceful and like he i just sleeping. I might try to hold him today because I refused at the hospital. I regret not doing it but at the same time I cant even get within 25 feet of the casket without losing it. This is the hardest part, as I try not to be emotional in front of anyone and this whole thing has broken me down.

Did anyone else have problems with eating? I have lost close to 30 pounds in a week. I cant bring myself to eat, reminds me of him. I know I need to eat because I am getting sick from not eating but I just dont care.

I am so glad this forum exists. I have been reading other stories and as bad as this sounds it is good to know I m not alone. thank you all very much again.


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## JulieK (Aug 25, 2004)

No one should have to lose a child. I am so, so sorry and wish you every strength and blessing.


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son!









I did have a lot of trouble eating. I pretty much didn't eat for 2 months except when I was absolutely starving which was not very often. I also didn't sleep well AT ALL for about 2-3 months. My mind would just race. I watched a lot of mindless DVDs late at night so I could try to turn my brain off to fall asleep but no matter how tired I was, as soon as my head hit the pillow I would start thinking about everything all over again. Even the sleeping pills that the doctor prescribed only lasted about 4 hours and I would wake up in the night and everything would come flooding back. It is such an awful time and I wasn't even full-term. I cannot even imagine what you are going through right now and my heart goes out to you!!

How did things go with the funeral? How are you doing now? Much love to you and your family!


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

I'm so so sorry for your loss.


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## Belia (Dec 22, 2007)

Oh, mama. I am so, so sorry for your loss. God bless precious little Gunnar. I wish you and your family much peace.


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## DeerMother (Apr 22, 2008)




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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

So sorry for your loss <3


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## pers (Jun 29, 2005)

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## vulnerable (Apr 21, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Paeta16*
> 
> I am so very sorry for the loss of your son!
> 
> ...


Thank you. You described exactly what I am going through. Sleeping is impossible, eating is still hard. Sleeping pills, depression pills and anxiety meds aren't helping. Time i guess is the only thing that will help and at this point 3 weeks later I am still in denial and angry. The funeral was ok. I made it up to the casket took pictures and even touched him. Touching him helped me a lot, more than I thought it would. This whole process has made me and the babies father a lot closer and actually involved in a steady relationship. I guess that is a good thing. thank you to all again for your kind words. It means so much to me.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Jenn (((HUGS))) I was hoping that you would come back. I am glad that you were able to touch him and take some pictures. Just tuck them away if you are not ready to look at them but someday, you might want to. I also did not eat for a long time. If I was starving I would force myself to eat something but maybe just a piece of bread. I wasn't hungry but maybe a part of me was trying to punish myself. I didn't exercise until about 3 months afterwards. Everyday was a struggle. Sleeping pills did help me. Some people respond to them and some don't. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve as much as you need. (((HUGS))) we are always here if you need to chat or just say something.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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