# Torn about TTC after multiple m/c's



## JennInSeattle (Nov 22, 2003)

I'm just going to start with a little background first.









I had 3 early m/c's prior to the successful pg and birth of my son one year ago. Three months ago I unexpectedly became pregnant again. I was on edge about the pg from moment one and started asking everyone and their brother to pray. This pg was full of emotion, my husband wasn't happy about the timing, my son was still nursing and we moved to Hawaii away from my family and closer to my husband's. Our marraige was seemingly falling apart and there were too many nights of yelling and tears. To keep my worries at bay, I suppose, I had decided that God had told me this baby would be fine and be born at term.

At 7 weeks I started spotting (on my son's first birthday) so I went to the doctor and they saw a heartbeat. I went back a few days later and the heart was still beating. On the 10th day of spotting there was a gush and I passed a clot the size of a tennis ball. I knew - I went in and indeed I had passed the baby and everything else too. At that point I had what I call a crisis in faith - wondering if God really did exist, could hear me, cared or if I was just talking to myself and calling myself God in a sense! lol After the m/c my husband decided not to go to church anymore - our marraige isn't out of the woods yet but I think we're on the right path. I've started going back to church but my heart is not the same. I'm hurting still, I can't help but want my baby back and wonder what went wrong this time. But I am healing, it doesn't hurt as much as it did. I'm to the point that I'm not having bad days anymore and thinking about the m/c doesn't throw me into a day long depression.

The m/c was 4 1/2 weeks ago. A week ago I started feeling pg sxs again and tested, it was a faint positive. The sxs continued until Sunday but went away after that point. I used 10 pregnancy tests and I never was able to get that test any darker. On Tuesday I gave up on that pg. Today I started spotting. That puts me at 5 m/c's and one live birth if we want to get all clinical.









So back to what I really want to talk about - ttc. I have so many feelings and thoughts on the subject and don't feel like I have anyone but family to talk to about it and not as openly as I'd like. I'm just goint to break it down and hope someone can help, will listen or relate..

Reasons I want to TTC now:

First, because I miss my baby and often think that having another baby would lessen my grief and desire to be pg.

Second, because my body just aches to be pg - I just yearn for another child.

Third, I'm afraid my fertility will just go away and in two years I won't be able to conceive for some reason. All of my family is very fertile except for my mother. She was only able to have me (blocked tubes).

Fourth, I'd rather Nathan had a sibling that was around 2 years apart from him in age. I think they'd probably get along well and be playmates for each other. However, I've recently (as in tonight) accepted the fact that having our children 4 years apart in age isn't a punishment to Nathan and he'll be fine. If the trade off is emotional stability in our marraige and overall lives then it's worth it. He can have playmates his own age instead of a sibling so close in age.

Finally, Pregnancy is such a joy. I just loved being pregnant and I miss that too.

Reasons why I should wait to TTC:

First, I'm afraid my body isn't ready to ttc and thus the reason for the m/c's recently.

Second, the first trimester is really hard for me and I'd like to do it while I'm not nursing, not changing diapers and not going to school.

Third, I'd like to have my degree done (it will take 2 more years) so that I can have a nice paying job to start once the next member of our family is born and I'm ready to go back to work. I think that would ease the burden on our family significantly. Finishing my degree would pay me at entry level, $7 more per hour then I'm making now.

Fourth, I'm afraid that if I put off my degree now because I'm pregnant or have two babies that I won't have another chance. I'm very fortunate to have my husband's grandmother watching Nathan while I work currently and pay for my schooling... who knows what will happen in a couple years with that situation.

Fifth, my husband would like to wait and feel more secure financially - aka have my degree. He'd also like Nathan out of diapers before we start ttc.

If you made it this far I'm impressed! You were probably interupted a couple of times because this was long and more like a blog than a question! LOL

Any advice? Words of encouragement? Thoughts or wisdom? Just a "me too" would make me feel good as well!









It seems like everyone is ready to ttc after m/c and it almost makes me feel alone and guilty to not be completly on that boat - as though I'm telling my little angel that if I could do it again and have it be born.. I wouldn't have.. which is not at all the way I feel but it feels like the message I'm conveying somehow by not ttc immediately..

Anyway, enough tears spent on this question.. lol Thank you for any help you can offer.


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## LittleIslandMom (Feb 2, 2004)

No answers for you, Jenn, just loads of hugs and sympathy. I'm so very sorry to hear of your m/c, now I know why you were away from the boards for so long. Take all the time you need to recover, and come to terms with your feelings. I guess it's normal to have such mixed emotions especially when you are having to deal with so many other changes in your life. I admire how you're juggling so many things at the same time.

Take it easy on yourself by taking things slowly, one at a time. Keep the faith. God WILL heal all, in time. Praying for you and DH.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

First of all Mamma, I am so sorry for your loss. TTCing after a loss is a hard topic. I lost my daughter 9 months ago, and I sometimes wonder if we are really ready to be ttcing. I wonder if we are ready to add a new baby to our family. I have the opposite problem of yours. I don't want my children to be close in age because my brother and I were only 22 months apart and we hated each other as kids. We were not good playmates and bickered constantly. It is nice now that we are both adults, but it wasnt' fun when we were kids. If I got pregnant right now ds would be almost 4 when his younger sibling is born. I am pretty comfortable with that age gap, but wouldn't have a problem with even more years of separation. Ds also has some developmental delays that I would like to get a better handle on, but sometimes I think we are doing as well as we can, and no amount of waiting will make us any more ready than we are now. You shouldn't feel bad about not being sure about TTCing now. It doesn't mean you didn't want your baby, it just means that after your loss you are more concerned about TTCing. Also if you marriage is in turmoil it might be a good idea to wait until things are more calm and you can be sure of your husbands support during your next pregnancy.

I really hope some one will post with better answers than I have give. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. This is a really hard question.


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## weetzie (May 29, 2003)

I don't know what decision is best for you Jenn. But I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and sending you strength to make this decision.


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## JennInSeattle (Nov 22, 2003)

Well I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded.









Each time I read this I really feel strongly that I can wait two more years to ttc and that I'll be glad I did. I waited 6 years to start ttc for Nathan because Dan wanted us to have a strong foundation before adding a child and mixing things up and he was right. Now it's time for me to make the same kind of decision. The hard part is just dealing with my own emotions but that's ok, I suppose it's ok to have mixed emotions and for them not to follow logic.. that's why they are called emotions and not thoughts!









Iris - I hope your decision is the right one for your family, it comforted me to hear that you were too close in age to your brother - sometimes I feel as though I'm depriving Nathan of a friend by holding off on giving him a sibling so it's nice to hear that it may not be the case. You spoke of there being no perfect time to add to your family and I know exactly how you feel in that sense. Most of us would have to wait until we were 50 to feel mature enough, travelled enough and have enough money! lol







Anyway, it sounds like you've thought a lot about this and are doing a great job with your son and family. My thoughts are with you as you continue to ttc, I know how stressful it can be.







s

Thank you for any prayers you may be saying for me. I'm still feeling a little lost on the God thing, I thought I was strong in my faith until this.. but my heart is still open and I'm still looking for comfort and answers. Thanks again.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Jen, first of all many hugs to you mamma. I miss seeing you around the boards.

I think what your feeling is very normal. You have so many things to weigh in order to make this decision.

This forum is all about support and healing. feel free to talk about whatever you need to here. It's perfectly ok to ramble here - we'll listen.

Every miscarriage is unique just as every birth is. The emotions you feel during and after are YOUR feelings and you own them. There's no right, no wrong way to grieve.

You mentioned a concern about your fertility, is there a reason you're concerned about this? Do you keep a journal? If not, you may want to start one. Many women find it healing to write about their feelings.

Does your doctor have any suggestions for your repeated miscarriages? You may want to talk to him about progesterone levels.

Please know I'm holding you in my thoughts Jen


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)




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## kimberlylibby (Dec 28, 2003)

Jenn,

I'm so sorry you m/c again.

I lost 4 babies before Libby and 1 between Katie and Libby.

I was SURE we were done after that 5th m/c so Keith had a vasectomy. Then, 2 weeks later, I felt sick... turns out I was pg before he got clipped.

I went to the ob in the WORST mood and asked him "when am I going to m/c?" because I assumed I would.

As you know, Katie made it to term just fine.

I don't know that there are any easy answers. We had decided to do foster-to-adopt and were content with that choice... but then things changed again...

I wish you only the best.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JennInSeattle*

Each time I read this I really feel strongly that I can wait two more years to ttc and that I'll be glad I did.

Jenn,









I just want to say this sounds so wise. It sounds like a very god decision - you have s many reasons to wait. A solid marriage is IMHO a much greater gift to a child than a sibling close in age (not that that is the choice all the time, by any means!). I figure it's easier to provide friends for my child than make up for a strained or failed relationship between her Dad & me. And I do worry that it would be that stressful for us, given our finances, limitations, emotions, everything. So I could relate about that.

My other comment was similar to Iris'. I am very close to my sis who is 8 years apart from me in age and have never ever gotten along with the one who is 2 years apart. So I figure age doesn't determine friendships.









Take good care of yourself in this time, honey.

hugs, mb


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Jenn, I too have had 3 miscarriages, and I'm pregnant again now. We're 21 weeks along and I'm still feeling anxious about it.
The primary thing that stuck out for me from your post, that your dh isn't ready to go again. I found that the emotional support I needed for this pregnancy and still need is just unbelievable. Dh was totally on board (conceived by IUI) but even with him wanting this as badly as I, he found it hard to support me the way I needed. I can't imagine how we'd have made it through if he hadn't been ready. I hope that makes sense!
I do also agree with the others, my brother and I are quite close and we're 7 yrs apart.
Also, I'd follow up with Ms Mom's suggestion and look into progesterone therapy for when you are ready to try again.
I wish you well in your decision.


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## ryansmom02 (Jan 8, 2003)

Jenn,
I have also been in this situation..... i got pg with my DD at 17 had an easy pregnancy and a very hard birth........ then when she was 2 we decided to wait until she was 3 and we were stable before we tried again.... then she turned 3 and we tried and got nothing.... then i went and seen a infertility doc and found out i had PCOS got all the tests done and started clomid... got pregnant 4 times like this and lost the baby every time....i had low progesterone with 3 out of those 4 losses so the 4th one we did the progesterone therapy and i made it until i was 18 weeks and i lost that baby (a boy) After that i told Ron that i was done and could not do this any more. My DD was almost 7 and he had to go away for 3 months with the military when he came home from his military duty I got pregnant...... started bleeding at 9 weeks and knew it was happening again........ but he stuck around for a long hard bed rest ridden pregnancy and a very fast birth one month early....... now ron is fixed and we are done....... Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.







to you


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## JennInSeattle (Nov 22, 2003)

The support here has been amazing! I really didn't expect much of a response but found typing out my questions and thoughts to be really helpful. To my suprise some really wonderful people have been reading and answering. Thank you, it warms my heart and makes me feel like people really care about what's going on in my life even though it has no affect on theirs.. thank you! This is what having friends on the internet is about and what my husband will never understand! lol

Jacque - I loved hearing you say that every m/c is unique and so are the feelings that accompany it. That really helped. Sometimes I catch myself comparing my thoughts or feelings to the thoughts and feelings of others and I shouldn't. You're completely right, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. You know, I really find myself battling to actually deal with my emotions so I won't have them pent up and end up dealing with them later and with pushing them away so that I can move on and actively decide not to ttc. I suppose I'll find a happy medium in there somewhere.







As for the doctors, I'm going in for an HSG later this week and my doctor wants to follow up with some genetic testing. He also wants to start monitoring me 3 months before I'm ready to ttc so we can be agressive from the get go. He seems like a pretty good doctor.







Thank you for thinking about me, it helps.

Kimberly - Well I thank you for your encouraging words about Katie, I can only imagine that I'll probably feel the same way if I get pg again.. just wondering when I'll m/c. I really hope that I'm as fortunate as you were, I know you love your girls!









mamabutterfly - It is always good to hear about siblings that get along well who are farther apart in age. I don't need the perfect family who always gets along but of course I want to do what's best for my child/children. Thank you and thank you for being so frank about your assesment of my situation and thoughts. It was good to hear you agreed.









Shannon - You know you make a good point about my dh. He was ready and supportive of getting pregnant the first time even after the three m/c's and he still wasn't as supportive during Nathan's pregnancy as I wished he would have been. And this past pregnancy that ended at 8.5 weeks was extremely unsupportive. It really felt like he didn't want the baby at all and that was so hard on me. During Nathan's pregnancy I wasn't too emotional but this time I was a wreck. It was so bad that with the most recent early m/c last week I didn't even tell Dan I had tested. He found out I tested (found a reciept I thought I'd thrown out) and even though I lied and said it was negative he was angry for days that I had even tested. I do not want to have another secret like that, especially for so long. I do want his support and I'd love for him to be excited. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I know you won't rest until that baby is in your arms but your well on your way. I hope the next 19 weeks fly by (but not too fast) and your baby is safely there in no time.









Christi - Oh Christi, that sounds just heartbreaking and to think that your last baby made it.. what a wonderful ending. Thank you for thiking about me, so many have been through this and I know I can get through it too. I know Ryan is a true blessing to you and I'll just have to keep hoping. Thank you for the encouragement!









So anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm feeling better. I'm feeling pretty firm in my decision and even though I want to take it back every few hours I've been pushing those feelings away and looking foward to the future and school for now. I really, really appreciate the encouragement and wisdom that has been shared. I doubt you know how much it means to me, thank you!


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## 2+twins (Apr 20, 2004)

Hi Jenn,

I know I'm a little late in responding but I just wanted to give you my support and let you know that the feelings you described fit me to a T. I had 2 m/c's between my 2 dd's. The first wasn't a planned pregnancy and I was happy about it but aprehensive all at the same time (was this what we really wanted, how would dd handle it, etc.). Then I lost that baby (missed m/c) and it was crushing to me. I felt somehow responsible (for doubting my want for that baby) and the feeling of loss was overwhelming. I couldn't bear to see pregnant women and I wanted so badly to "fix it". That simply consumed me - "fixing it". So I purposefully became pregnant again pretty much immediatley following the m/c. I had been warned by the dr.'s to give my body at least 3 real menstrual cycles before ttc again but I couldn't bear to wait. So I had one (not real) men. cycle (it was extremely short and light - not at all like my usual type) and then I conceived. I m/c'd that baby about a week further along than the first - also a missed m/c (basically I knew for a couple weeks before I actually m/c'd the baby that it had died). Then again with the "fixing" feeling. So that time I waiting the full 3 real cycles thing and tried again, only this time I used clomid because my first (and only successful) pregnancy I had taken clomid to conceive - the dr. thought that maybe there was a correlation, plus I had low progesterone. Anyway, that time it worked. It really helped me cope with the pain of those losses to have a successful pregnancy and consequently my second dd. However, I still fill like I have one more baby to replace. But the thing is, we're not so sure we want more. My dh is really not sure and I'm on the fence. I usually *think* that I do but sometimes I question my motivation. Is it simply to "replace" the other baby I lost? Is that the right thing to do? I also came dangerously close to death during the last m/c and that totally freaks out dh and of course me too. He's not really into a repeat of that event. So I've agreed that I'd try no more than 1 more time, regardless of the final outcome. It's all very difficult and confusing for me and I still don't know what to do. Dd#2 will be 1 next month so I plan to give the issue at least another 6 months before figuring it out, but it stresses me out pretty much daily. So I totally feel your pain and I want to know that you have support here. I don't think there's anything bad about waiting, or even about not ttc again at all. But I also know that when you're in those shoes, logic goes out the window. Good luck to you - I think it's great that you're getting your degree, btw! Let me know if there's anything you need.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Jen and Jenne, I'm enclosing a link to a story that helped me so very much especially during my third miscarriage.
Jenne, please don't feel you need to "replace" your lost babies.
I hope this story helps.


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## 2+twins (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shannon0218*
Jen and Jenne, I'm enclosing a link to a story that helped me so very much especially during my third miscarriage.
Jenne, please don't feel you need to "replace" your lost babies.
I hope this story helps.

The link didn't show up - would you mind posting it again? Thanks!


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Sorry, I think I forgot to actually post it!!
http://www.babycatcher.net/excerpt2.html

There ya go!


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## blessed2bamommie (Feb 3, 2003)

I saw your sig and I wanted to pm you. I am *so* sorry, Jen. My heart breaks for you. I was angry at the Lord after our precious Jordan didn't make it to our arms last year. I did find healing however in my Heavenly Father's arms. Keep the communication between you open, I had a mama who kept encouraging that when all I wanted to do was turn away. Be honest about your feelings to Him and know that He says, "If anyone lacks wisdom, let him ask..." He knows the future and He has *all* the answers. I found healing with my Christian brothers and sisters at www.griefshare.org. It covers *all* deaths; however, I found the group very sensitive to us and it was interesting how other deaths can affect your grief and I had to face some of my feeling surrounding my daddy's death over 10 years ago! I hope that helps...feel free to pm me. I can't say that I understand the number of children that you have had go be with the Lord; but, I understand grieving a child and that journey from mourning to dancing.









I pray for the Lord's healing in your marriage and in your family's hearts.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Jenn, I am so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I am glad your Dr is being pro-active in finding a cause for your miscarriages. It will give you so much peace of mind in your next pregnancy.

I think it is good you decided to wait. Your body could probably use the time off. It can't be easy to work and go to school while going through so much.

Dhs sometimes act weird when they are uncertain of how to deal with things, he must have been worried sick about you while you were going through this. It must have affected him a great deal for him to have stopped going to church. I think the two of you should maybe find a counselor a support group or something to try and work this out. It doesn't sound like he is dealing with his emotions very well.

I have been recently diagnosed with an illness and my dh turned into super jerk. They just get all weird...I am not sure what to do with him.







:

I have three sisters and we are all close, though some of us are more far apart in age.


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## pilesoflaundry (Dec 9, 2003)

Jenn, I saw your sig and just wanted to send you a







. Good luck whatever you decide, your plan to wait does sound like a good one, just follow your heart and you will know what to do.


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## Kabes (May 17, 2004)

Jenn, Just wanted to let you know that I think of you and pray for your family daily - everytime I change one of the dipes you so generously sent us. I'm sorry things have been so difficult lately. I had two m/c before my 1st daughter and 1 before my second daughter. I know how rough it is not to know what to expect each time you get pregnant. Just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten you and I'll continue praying. -Kara


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## JennInSeattle (Nov 22, 2003)

*sigh*

I've desperately trying to avoid this thread. I thought that a month was enough time to be able to talk about this but coming here, posting about this and thinking about it has exhausted me. I've read every response and each one has helped me.. more than that, thank you to everyone for taking the time to talk with me. But I'm really tired, I need some more time before I can talk about the baby, my pain and emotions. It just hurts a little too much right now. But I'm really glad we all started talking in the first place. I'm definitely going to wait the two years and finish my degree, it's worth it and important. I hope all who've been reading along or who answered and I've yet to respond to can understand how I'm feeling and that I just don't want to think about it for another second today. The past few days I kept hoping tomorrow I'd feel better about it and could answer this thread but I guess I just need a little more time..

You've changed my life already by helping me with this decision that will forever affect the lives of my family.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Jen, you're not obligated to answer if you're not up to it. On thing all grieving women have in commen is that we all greive our own way









Take the time you need to work throught all this and know that we're always here to listen when YOU'RE ready to talk ok?


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## blessed2bamommie (Feb 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ms. Mom*
Jen, you're not obligated to answer if you're not up to it. On thing all grieving women have in commen is that we all greive our own way

















and sometimes the grief is so overwhelming you think you'll never escape.







But, I have indeed found that weeping may endure for a night; but, joy *does* come in the morning.


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## HRC121799 (Aug 8, 2003)

Jenn, I am so, so sorry. We lost two babies when we were trying to have a second baby. After the second one, we waited longer to try again, I needed to feel stronger, and prepared to face it again. Tyler and Braden are almost 4 years apart. Things worked out. You have been through so much, and you are doing so much with your life right now. It sounds like you have a good plan. Don't ever feel like you have to post, this is here to help you, do whatever you need to. We will always be here.


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