# "wash your mouth out with soap"



## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

dh and I were discussing the "wash your mouth out with soap" discipline method. He thinks this would be appropriate and logical when dd is using bad words continually, where I think that it is degrading and disrespectful. He says since she would be washing her own mouth out and not us doing it to her that its not disrespectful and is a direct consequince of hte action. When he asked me for a more logical consequence I could not think of one that would be directed at bad language. My opinion still hasn't changed but I was wondering what you ladies thought of the "go wash your mouth out with soap" method.







Our daughter is only 4 months old, but its never too early to think about it, especially with kids doing things earlier than ever!


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## baby_baby_mommy (Sep 19, 2007)

Did you have your mouth washed out with soap? I did and I don't recommend passing it on.


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *baby_baby_mommy* 
Did you have your mouth washed out with soap? I did and I don't recommend passing it on.

I sure did! And it didn't fix anything! Dh did too, and he thinks it was a proper consequince. However, I don't think it worked considering that he cursed at his mom until his dad beat him up, literally. Which I think is TOTAL child abuse. So obviously the soap thing didn't work for him. But I am looking for alternatives so I can have a stronger case. We are both totally GD believers, but dh seems to think this is GD??


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

Personally I think its child abuse. I have had this done to me as well (however on a lighter note - Neutrogena soap is very sweet and atcually nice tasting lol)

She may be 'doing it herself'...but why? So she wouldnt really be doing it herself would she...she would be doing it out of fear for something else. If I were bigger and stronger than you and you were afraid of me, I could get you to shoot yourself as well - and then claim that I didnt do it as you were the one holdig the gun. ???

I do not think it is a good idea at all to 'teach our children a lesson' (call it natural concequence if you like - though that is not in any way a natural concequence...it is a punishment. Simple as, no need to sugar coat it! A natural concequence is something that happens that you have no control over. Your child wants to go outside. Its muddy outside. You ask them to put their shoes on first. They dont want to. You let them know that if they dont put their shoes on then their feet will get dirty because its muddy outside. They still dont want to. They go outside. Their feet get muddy. That is a natural concequence. A punishment however is doing something to your child. Even if they hold the soap in their own hand, no child will willingly shove soap down their gob - you are still doing it to them anyway you look at it! A punishment says: You did this so now I am going to do this to you.) by instilling fear in them. I would like my own DS to do the right thing becaue it is the right thing to do - not because he is afraid of what might happen to him. If a child is punished for what they do that teaches them a few things: 1). Dont get caught. 2). Find a better way to still do what you want to do without getting caught. 3). Selfishness - teaches them to think of themselves only...what might happen to them if they get caught...you know, the 'punishment'. But thats not really what is desires because lets face it, we will not always be around our children but I would still like my child to do the right thing even if I am not around him. I dont want him thinking...'okay no one is looking, let me do this thing that is wrong now - there is no way they will find out, so I dont have to worry about getting punished, which obviously I dont like happening to me'. So when your child is out with their mates and no one else is around, they are a swearing like a sailor! (or stealing, or hitting, or being rude, or spray painting the girls bathrooms, etc)

Words are just words. If you dont want her saying a certain word - never say it around her. If she picks it up from somewhere else, chances are she doenst know what it means and is just saying what she hears - you then can tell her why you dont like the word and why its not a good idea to use it. Hopefully you have a strong relationship built on trust (and not fear) at that point for her to listen to you and then use her on judgment in to continue to not use the word.

I made the mistake of saying 'fuck' once when I dropped something on my toe. My DS heard it (he wasnt even two yet! lol) and started saying it all the time!!! I just ignored it. I mean, I didnt comment on it. He wasnt even two - he was just saying what I had said. But from then on I made sure I watched my mouth! hehe He soon stopped saying it and its not been an 'issue' since. (so its also appropriate to take age into account). If he were older - say 7 or so. Then I would maybe just say why we dont say such words (taking into account where it came from)...and leave it at that. If he were 15...I think I would be looking at why he feels the need to express himself in that way.

Though I think its also realistic to think about why you dont like a word as well. I personally have no problem with them as long as they are not used directly at a person. That is to say, I do say 'shit'...and cant really help it when I hurt myself. But I would never use it at a person - though I still try and watch what I say. But what I am saying is, I woudnt punish my son (I dont punish him at all actually - we dont believe in punishments but thats another thread














) for saying shit if he dropped a tele on his foot for example and it slipped out! hehe


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

You should also check, in some states it's considered Child Abuse, and CPS could,if they knew could launch an investigation and potentially take your children.

I think it's horrible. It makes no sense, IMO and I cannot connect what words I use with my mouth. Never have. I connect words with your brain and thinking process. There are better alternatives IMHO.


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## Natalie143 (May 14, 2007)

i dont think washing their mouth with soap would be good... i mean isn't soap poisonous to ingest?


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## Pam_and_Abigail (Dec 2, 2002)

Nope,not a natural consequence. A natural conseqeunce would be offending someone with her words.
No kid is willingly going to put soap in their mouth as punishment - you will have to coerce her somehow. It will teach her shame and bullying. Words arfe just words. Model to her ow to speak repesctfully. If words come up that you feel are inappropriate, you eiter ignore them if she's little (is toddlers will mimic sounds) or if she's school age, you could talk to her about how her words might affect others, and, for example, "Grandma doesn't like that word, so we don't use it around her."


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

Please don't ever do that. That's not a "logical consequence", it's an absurd punishment.

What would it communicate to your child? "Because you used language that can sometimes make other people feel bad, Mommy and Daddy are going to force you into shaming yourself by putting a potentially harmful non-food substance in your mouth, so you'll... um... feel bad... become confused about the power of language... become resentful and angry toward us... oh - and lose confidence in your own ability to learn appopriate behavior and control your impulses! Don't rinse the soap when you're done!"

PLEASE read "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. (And yes, the "yelling" was intentional








)


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

It's isn't logical or natural. A natural consequence is something that happens naturally, not one that is made to happen. For instance, say Kailey gets mad and throw a toy. It breaks. The natural consequence is that she now does not have the toy to play with.

A logical consequence follows the same guidelines. What would be a logical consequence to swearing? Perhaps those around you not wanting to talk to you because swearing hurts feelings?

Also soap has lye which can be harmful if ingested and can induce vomitting.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

My question is: she would be doing it to herself or *what*? Because self-injurious behavior is unlikely to come naturally to your LO.

She hurts herself or.....what will happen?

Because I fervently hope that on the day it arises the attachment foundation you have laid causes her to refuse to hurt herself even if someone she loves tells her to.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
My question is: she would be doing it to herself or *what*? Because self-injurious behavior is unlikely to come naturally to your LO.

She hurts herself or.....what will happen?

Because I fervently hope that on the day it arises the attachment foundation you have laid causes her to refuse to hurt herself even if someone she loves tells her to.


I'm not sure I understand this. I think we are on the same page, but could you clarify? I feel confused (but I'm having a icky morning so that may be part of it).

Thanks mama.


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## tashaharney (Feb 19, 2007)

i agree with PP's -- soap in the mouth is not a natural or logical consequence. it is a violation of personhood.

if your dh won't change his mind, have him wash his own mouth out with soap.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
I'm not sure I understand this. I think we are on the same page, but could you clarify? I feel confused (but I'm having a icky morning so that may be part of it).

Thanks mama.

Sorry to be confusing! My thinking is that no sane child will hurt themselves by eating soap at a parent's direction without some larger threat from the parent.

Do this or else.

So it seems like you'd need an "or else" plan which is even less likely to be okay.

I can't imagine putting myself in a position where I am requesting that my child hurt themselves to punish themselves for using a word I do not like.

I don't think requiring a child to poke themselves in the eye is somehow better than poking them in the eye. And the only reason I can think of that a child would comply with that request (more than once) is that they knew something worse would happen if they didn't.


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## meadowmoose (Jun 12, 2006)

Please, please don't make your child wash her mouth out with soap. There are other consequences which would be more logical (there is a difference between "natural" and "logical" consequences...natural being those that follow as a direct result of the action, like PP's example with breaking the toy, and logical, which aren't a direct result but make sense). If this were my kiddo, I might try making her leave the area for a time out. For example: "If you can't use kind works, you need to sit in time out until you are able to find nice words to use. If you need help when you are done thinking about it, I'd be happy to help you."


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

We teach our children appropriate behavior by how we behave. My 2 year old says thank you and your welcome because I and DH say it to each other and to her. She hugs, kisses and cuddles us because we are affectionate with her. She gets a towel when she spills something because she's seen me do it. She says awwww and pats you when you get hurt .........
One thing we don't want to teach her is how to be mean. Making people do unpleasant things because your bigger is mean. The world will probably teach her about being mean, but at least we can always tell her it's not appropriate and there are better ways to handle things. Being mean to LOs teaches them how to be mean to others or teaches them how to be victims.
We don't want to raise a bully or a victim.
If you don't want your DD to use bad words, don't say them. If she hears them somewhere else, don't make a big issue of it but tell her there are rude words that can hurt peoples feelings. If your child trusts you, that will probably be enough.
I still remember coming home with a new word when I was 8 and asking my mother what it meant. She told me it was a bad word, and that she had never said it before in her entire life. Then she told me what it meant. I didn't use that word again until I was a teenager, and then not in front of people who would be offended by it.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Let's just assume that she won't be "using bad words continually." So far, none of my kids say words that are considered "bad words." I don't do it. Dh does it very rarely and then will apoligize to any women/children present (I know he does it when he's out with the guys). We've told the kids that there are words that aren't appropriate to use, and they don't.

We even had an incident where my 7 year old's friend offered to pay him to say f&*k. He told them no and told me about it that night at dinner. (I was very proud)


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

Neither logical nor appropriate. Your husband might benefit from reading one of the many excellent books that approach discipline from a more gentle and respectful perspective. (search for "books" in this forum)

This was done to me when I was a child. It was humiliating and upsetting, and did nothing to teach the desired lesson, only taught fear and loathing of the parent holding the soap. It felt wrong then and now that I'm a parent, I feel even more strongly that it is abuse.


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