# Stage fright/fear of performing in kids - how do you deal with it?



## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

So, my DD is 5. Last night was her preschool graduation. There was a potluck, and then all the kids sang a few songs together standing on the playground (very informal) and then there was a little graduation ceremony inside. My DD was so excited about the songs for weeks. She's been singing them at home for weeks, talking about it, etc. We get there, she gets really upset. DH calms her down, we get her some food, she plays, has fun, and then it's time for the performance. She gets really upset again and won't leave my side and is crying, so I let the teacher know we are leaving and we head out without doing the songs or ceremony.

Her dance class and other school events have all been like this. She really enjoys practicing the dancing and singing, but once an audience is involved, she shuts down. I don't want to push her, and I'm not even sure how important I think it is for her to do these things, except that she seems to want to them beforehand.

The week leading up to her graduation, I talked with her about how excited she was to sing, I said we would videotape it so she could show her cousin (which she was excited about), and also briefly talked with her about how it's okay to be nervous (didn't want to dwell on it, but did want to acknowledge it).

What do people think? Any ideas? DH says he was the same way and outgrew it. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Most kids do outgrow it, some may take longer than others. what I would have done instead of leaving was say it was fine for her to stay by me during the singing & then if she wanted me to go with her up on stage for her graduation I would have.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CarrieMF* 
Most kids do outgrow it, some may take longer than others. what I would have done instead of leaving was say it was fine for her to stay by me during the singing & then if she wanted me to go with her up on stage for her graduation I would have.

I have tried doing that in situations before (usually she will just stay next to me and not sing), but last night she was really too upset and panicked to consider it. I told her she didn't have to go sing, but it didn't calm her down at all, and she had already been in tears earlier just being in the room the graduation ceremony was supposed to be in.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

I suppose I should also admit that the whole thing last night was really inconvenient in terms of our family schedule, and I had worked hard to make it work, so I was frustrated that DD wouldn't participate at all when she had been so excited about it. I'm sure that went into my decision to just call it a night instead of trying to calm her down enough to stay.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I don't think you handled it badly.

I was in a similar situation Friday - my son, who was fine at every other concert, freaked out just before his end-of-year concert on Friday. I did choose to stay with him - I stood at the side of the stage for the national anthem holding him, held him the same spot during the martial arts part, and then by the time his skits came around he regained a bit of composure and at the very end...wouldn't get off the stage. Kids!

But that is only one choice and trust me, I definitely considered taking him out and going home.

I think the key is next time ('cause these opportunities seem to come up again and again) just have your game plan in mind so you end up satisfied with your response.

It might help too to have her play perform in your family sometimes - have her put on a play at home, for grandparents, etc., gradually increasing the size. Or she may grow out of it. Or she may not. It'll be okay no matter what.


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## nina_yyc (Nov 5, 2006)

5 is really young to worry. I would just encourage her to try again and to be brave - tell her that you know she is tough and she can get through it. Definitely do all you can to take the pressure off - don't videotape.

I remember learning to handle stage fright myself through figure skating, but I don't think I actually figured it out until my teens. One of the things that helped me was practicing like it was a competition every single day - six minute warmup, then doing my program straight through without an extra sweater or gloves.


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

Our PS refuses to have graduation ceremonies and they claim this is the reason. At first I thought they were being lazy, but now that we are a few years out of PS with DS, I can see what they are talking about. I would absolutely not draw any long term conclusions about this at all. A five year old does not need to perform. I teach college and I work with my students on public speaking - some of them hate it, but at that age, you can teach it.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Some things that helped my dd...

sitting on my lap and singing and doing the motions. we gradually scooched closer and closert to the front as the events went by.

standing next to her sibling or a friend. Some times you just need a hand to hold.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

yup i agree. 5 is waaaaaaay tooo young. dd's friend in K was like your dd. for the christmas sing along she stood by the stage and held my hand all along. she was crying before that. she was 5.

my dd's bf is like that too. it was around 6 1/2 or nearly 7 that he was even willing talk to strangers.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

I wouldn't deal with it at all. Performing (or public speaking) are not a necessary part of life (despite what school tries to teach you) and some people don't like it. I would let her have fun practicing but tell her that she absolutely does not have to perform. Perhaps taking the pressure off will help her want do it. Or maybe she just really doesn't want to. I wouldn't worry about it at all.


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## MaerynPearl (Jun 21, 2008)

I wouldnt worry. If she doesnt like performing, talk to her dance teacher to just have her do the practice/learn the dances with the understanding that she will likely not be in any performances (but of course, that someday this may change)

Personally, I hated hated HATED how my parents forced me to get up on stage at a young age. When I was in third grade it would make me throw up!


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Heavenly* 
I wouldn't deal with it at all. Performing (or public speaking) are not a necessary part of life (despite what school tries to teach you) and some people don't like it. I would let her have fun practicing but tell her that she absolutely does not have to perform. Perhaps taking the pressure off will help her want do it. Or maybe she just really doesn't want to. I wouldn't worry about it at all.

Love this. This is exactly what how we approach our ds's "stage fright."


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