# "Oh, what a good girl you are!!"



## loved (Jun 10, 2002)

: Someone please help me explain to my husband and others why saying "Good girl!" to my daughter is so not cool.

All I can think of is that the whole being a "Good girl" means being nice. I cringe and want to shriek every time I hear it! This is not how I want to raise her.

Thanks you guys. I know your answers will hit the nail on the head!


----------



## kathipaul (Sep 24, 2004)

oops! somehow got my response in twice.


----------



## kathipaul (Sep 24, 2004)

My dh does that too. I have chosen not to tell him that anything is wrong about that. I want him to develop his own communication style with her. I try not to tell her she is being good or bad and instead use more specific words and explanations. I am hoping he will figure it out if I lead by example. In the mean time, I am not sure it is doing any real harm to her.

Also, she really likes to hear it from him and sometimes even pats us on the back and says "good mama" or "good daddyguy." That is kind of cute, I think.


----------



## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

I've always hated the phrase, "good girl!" too







. Makes me think of someone talking to a dog and patting the dog on the head. However, I know the speaker doesn't mean it that way. But still, makes me cringe.


----------



## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

makes me cringe sometimes however it's not really that bad...I think if this was said all the time and the only thing said it would lead to being a bit of a praise junkie however this phrase along with other methods of positive parenting isn't harmful.

My husband says it with such love and pride...I would never tell him not to..it's his way and he absolutely thinks the sun shines out of her.


----------



## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls*
makes me cringe sometimes however it's not really that bad...I think if this was said all the time and the only thing said it would lead to being a bit of a praise junkie however this phrase along with other methods of positive parenting isn't harmful.

My husband says it with such love and pride...I would never tell him not to..it's his way and he absolutely thinks the sun shines out of her.









ITA!!!!!!!!


----------



## Charles Baudelaire (Apr 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loved*







: Someone please help me explain to my husband and others why saying "Good girl!" to my daughter is so not cool.

All I can think of is that the whole being a "Good girl" means being nice. I cringe and want to shriek every time I hear it! This is not how I want to raise her.

Thanks you guys. I know your answers will hit the nail on the head!

Well, have him try it on for size. Next time he does something good -- leaves the seat down, puts the dishes away, say, "Good boy!"


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Charles Baudelaire*
Well, have him try it on for size. Next time he does something good -- leaves the seat down, puts the dishes away, say, "Good boy!"


----------



## amybw (Jul 12, 2004)

Makes me think of in "My Fair Lady" and Eliza Doolittle says "I'm a good girl I am !" as they are draggin her kicking and screaming to the bathtub. :LOL

I try not to say good boy to my son but it is so dang hard! IMO I dont want him to think that he is "good" but instead that the choice he made or the thing he did was the right one. I often say, that's right, or You did it! or you did it right or even more specifically like Oh Jeremy, look what you did! You were nice to the kitty! She feels better when you pet her nicely and dont pull her tail







.

I also dont want him to be totally defined by what he does. Bad people do good things. Good people do bad things. It goes deeper than that. As a Christian, doing good things isnt what redeems you. I want him to understand as he grows up the difference between being good, doing good, and being forgiven.

Dont know if that helped or not.









Amy


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

I tend to say "Good job!" but not "Good boy/girl"


----------



## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

I tell my daughter that she's a good girl, but not as a "reward" for doing anything. I just say it to praise her. (For example, I'll randomly hug her and tell her that she's a good kid or a good girl.) Part of the reason I do this is that I DON'T want her to think that misbehavior or a bad choice makes her a "bad girl." I want her to internalize the fact that she is good!

I can see some parents' reluctance to use the word "good" if it has negative connotations for them (like submissive, "nice," or the like), but this word doesn't carry those meanings for me. For me it means caring, loving, creative, full of light, and lovely.

If you don't want people using "good girl" as a reward, I'd use the example the previous poster used--that we tell pets they're "good boys/girls" when they do what we ask.


----------



## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

Only have a minute here. Hope I make sense...

My dad has asked if Simon is "good" when we've been out in the car. I don't like this b/c it implies that when he is unhappy in the car, he is bad. He is not bad because he is unhappy about being restrained. He has better things to do!

Saying a kid is "being a good girl/boy" tells them that they are being judged and that when they aren't acting that way, they are sometimes bad. Most people don't like to feel judged. It's also strange to note how this is only done to pets, children, or done by distrustful partners (as in "Be good!" while one is heading out the door to go drinking with friends). I'm sure others do it too, but these are the examples that come to mind. Simon is always a good boy. When he does things I don't want him to do, he isn't being bad.


----------



## lifetapestry (Apr 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dal*
Saying a kid is "being a good girl/boy" tells them that they are being judged and that when they aren't acting that way, they are sometimes bad. Most people don't like to feel judged.

I don't really understand this, because I think it is impossible not to "judge" your children. They can certainly sense your approval or disapproval even if you don't verbally express anything. And approval/nonapproval is part of how children are guided to do the right thing.

Maybe you mean being "critical", as in having a very small net of acceptable behaviors and not being openminded about appropriate behavior. As in parents who are constantly directing their children, "color inside the lines", "get your elbows off the table", etc etc, we've all heard them. I think it is important not to be critical of your children, and allow them some room to behave in ways that are perhaps less than ideal. But judgment is just part of parenting, I think. Perhaps we're just talking semantic differences.

But even if you are a completely neutral parent in response to your children's behavior, I also can't really agree that saying "good girl" tells children that they are "bad" when you aren't constantly saying "good." I think this depends how it is used and how often it is used -- I could see where that could be the case, where the parent is saying "good girl" after every small action taken (or asked to do) but stands there in stony silence when the child doesn't cooperate. But the use of "good girl" doesn't automatically create this problem.

What I have learned in the process of reading these anti-praise discussions is to be more of a witness to my son's actions and to validate that I've observed those actions, rather than a praise automaton. This has made me a more thoughtful parent.

But there are times and occasions where I swell up inside (most of them have nothing to do with his specific behaviors, although some do) and just want to reflect how GOOD I think he is, where GOOD is the simple sum of all the positive parts of himself. I would never squelch my natural mothering instinct to express this, no matter how many books I've read (which isn't many, I don't find much value in any of them). If I'm feeling it, I'm going to say it, with many hugs and kisses. To do anything else would be inauthentic to myself as a mother, and, IMO, withholding a part of myself, however flawed, from being engaged with him.

This is not a criticism of anyone who gets into the no praise thing -- I'm just saying what works for me.

Karla


----------



## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

We don't say good girl, but we'll occasionally say good job if it's about something very specific "You did a good job sharing your toy... You did a good job eating in the restaurant".

I think saying "good girl" can be detrimental because if it's used often, and mostly used after the child does something desirable, then the child may translate that as:

"I am good person when I pick up my toys."
"My mommy/daddy values me when I do something they want."
"I am worthy of positive attention if I behave the way someone else wants me to behave."
"My talents and abilities are useful in getting others to tell me I'm a good person."

Of course, children don't think in those words, but the feelings and assumptions can still occur.


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

My dh says "Good job!" Today ds said it back!

I think it's better to be specific in your praise, and not totalizing. So instead of saying "Good job!" you can say "I like the way that you..." and certainly instead of "Good girl!" it's better to say "thank you for..." If for no other reason, language development.

However...I would rather have "good boy" and "good job" than "bad boy"! Also, since I'm not so perfect about this, I don't criticize my dh for it.


----------



## lizamann (Dec 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lifetapestry*
But there are times and occasions where I swell up inside (most of them have nothing to do with his specific behaviors, although some do) and just want to reflect how GOOD I think he is, where GOOD is the simple sum of all the positive parts of himself. I would never squelch my natural mothering instinct to express this, no matter how many books I've read (which isn't many, I don't find much value in any of them). If I'm feeling it, I'm going to say it, with many hugs and kisses. To do anything else would be inauthentic to myself as a mother, and, IMO, withholding a part of myself, however flawed, from being engaged with him.
Karla

What about just saying, "I love you!" and that you love spending time with him, how lucky you are to be his mommy, instead of telling him how "good" he is? I'm not saying this as a suggestion to you, but rather because I'm interested to hear how you think telling him he's a good boy is different from or better than the above statements .


----------



## lifetapestry (Apr 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lizamann*
What about just saying, "I love you!" and that you love spending time with him, how lucky you are to be his mommy, instead of telling him how "good" he is? I'm not saying this as a suggestion to you, but rather because I'm interested to hear how you think telling him he's a good boy is different from or better than the above statements .

Well, this thread is about saying "good" or not, not about all the things we say to our kids. Of course I say I love you and all of those other things you suggested (and other statements of appreciation). And I don't think that saying "you're such a good boy" is better or even different than anything else.

I simply find it unnatural to squelch saying "good boy" when I feel it as a general thing -- I usually do resist it in the context of general, nonspecific praise. I sometimes call him a "mensch" (yiddish for good boy essentially) because I really do think that he's a good person with a good heart. As such, I see no reason not to.

As one PP did, I think about how this works with adults. I often describe my friends to other people as someone who is a "good person". It isn't just meaningless praise but it has actual meaning, to me as well as others. I don't have any problem with my child feeling that he is a good person (boy) and I reject the notion that he thinks he is bad sometimes.

I also imagine how I would feel if I mentioned some positive work thing that happened to me, and my DH said "I can see you are very pleased with what happened" or the like. I would be so freakin' annoyed at him for failing to reflect back that this was a "good" thing. I like praise from others and I appreciate it from others. When people have told me that I'm a good person, even if it's in the context of doing something particularly good, I actually like that. And I am a very self-directed person who is not dependent upon others' approval or praise.

I am just perfectly comfortable with using praise of my son's personhood or actions when it makes sense to me. IME, most grown ups have more issues with feeling that their parents didn't approve of them, didn't think they did things well enough, didn't validate their pride in themselves. Maybe it's just the circle of people in my life, but I see more people struggling for self acceptance because they never got their parents' acceptance. For me, I see praise of my son's personhood and actions as part of the smorgasboard of things that validate that I am paying attention to what he's doing and witnessing his experience in the world. As an abstract matter, I don't see any problem with that.

Karla


----------



## Lula's Mom (Oct 29, 2003)

:

And I saw someone suggested as a joke telling your partner "Good boy!" for helping out around the house- well, actually, I tell DP all the time "You're such a good man!" When I want to show appreciation for things he does, I'll say that. And he loves it. I just asked him.


----------



## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

If I ask my kids to do something and they do it - I always say thank you. Even dd who is 2 thanks other people for doing good things now.

I don't see the point in telling them they are good for doing it. They are good at *doing* some things but that is a different matter.

Other people sometimes tell me that they are all good when we are out - mainly because they don't whinge like other kids can and are generally patient and calm. Other times they say 'Don't you have lovely children?' or compliment them in some other way. I don't want to contradict people who are being kind in the street for example but I do tell MIL to do the thank you that we do at home instead of Good Girl. (She bugs me though so I like bugging her with our parenting choices







)


----------



## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kavamamakava*
I tend to say "Good job!" but not "Good boy/girl"

That's me as well. Mainly because "good boy" sounds like I'm talking to a dog!

But my dh says it occasionally, and my dad says it to ds all the time. I'm not really concerned about it, because both say it with a lot of love and pride, and both are not always very good about finding elaborate communicative words. They've never called him a "bad boy," which I would definitely have a problem with.

Now, if it was being used in a manipulative way, "Don't you want to be a good boy and put your shoes on?", then I would say something.


----------



## Angierae (Aug 17, 2004)

We don't use "good girl" because to me it implies that her worth as a person is determimed by her actions and behavior. To me a child is neither good or bad. Her actions and behavoir may have a positive or negative outcome for her and others around her. And I tell her so. i.e. "hitting hurts people, so you may not do it" or "It really helped me when you cleaned up, thank you". Not, "you are bad if you hit, " or "you are a good girl for cleaning". It also seems condecending to me. I will tell her she did a good job on a specific task, but I prefer to tell her that I like the way she did something.

I don't know that it really makes a huge difference either way. For me, its just what I am comfortable with. I have irritating memories of my father patting me on the head and telling me to be a "good girl". DH has a harder time with it, but he tries. Mostly when he is really impressed with her he says, "Anna, I think you are great! And I love you." I don't think there is anything wrong with that.


----------



## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

I tell my children to "be good". They know that being good is not misbehaving. They also know that I still love them when they are being bad. I never say "You are good, you are bad", but rather "Thanks for being so good in the store", "You're being bad when you throw toys, now we're leaving". They're smart enough to know the difference, and loved enough to be secure.


----------



## loved (Jun 10, 2002)

Thanks for all your replies.

Here's where I get upset with the "good girl/good boy" stuff: my dd - who is 5 has taken to saying things like, "I'm a good girl - I put my toys away (when so and so did not)."
and she is making lots of comments about being "nice" to others and making comments like, "I like your hair..." and then saying to me, "That was good wasn't it, mommy?" (the fact that she made that comment and was 'nice').

I don't know if I am explaining myself very well. Her worth as a person IS being determined by her actions and behaviors. I DO see that.

Her father has been saying "good girl" a lot the past year and half since we moved closer to his family - who use that term all the time along with, "What a pretty girl you are!" - and buying her dresses and pretty shoes, etc. etc.

I feel like I am really fighting an uphill battle here. And all of this is not good for her.


----------



## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

I think its really important not to undermine the other parent, so I would be very careful not to say anything in front of your child. If it really bothers you, I think you can explain that to your partner (in good "I feel" terms) once. Explore why it bothers you and some alternatives. After that, its up to the other parent to change or not. In honesty, if this is the worst disagreement you two have, I would have to say "count your blessings" and let it go if a gentle conversation or two didn't change his responses. Of course, you will want to continue to model what you would prefer he do, but I think that's really all you can do after talking about it a couple of times, given that this is a verbal manner that you don't like, not physical discipline or something like that.


----------



## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

i say good job, sometimes i say good boy, sometimes i tell him he's a good person...he's loved, he knows it, when he's older he'll know that our love isn't tied to his actions...i figure i've got bigger fish to fry. LOL


----------



## lifetapestry (Apr 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loved*
Here's where I get upset with the "good girl/good boy" stuff: my dd - who is 5 has taken to saying things like, "I'm a good girl - I put my toys away (when so and so did not)."

I hear what she's NOT saying: "X is BAD because she didn't put the toys away." I think it is a false assumption to believe that just because a child believes that she is good for doing x,y, and z, doesn't mean that she thinks she is bad when she doesn't. I think there are numerous appropriate responses to her statement that don't suggest a good/bad dichotomy-- including "Thank you for picking up your toys." OR "Yes, you are a good girl, for that and for a gazillion other reasons." She obviously has the concept of good and wants to be good. If you try to mess with that, you may end up convincing her that she is not good.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loved*
and she is making lots of comments about being "nice" to others and making comments like, "I like your hair..." and then saying to me, "That was good wasn't it, mommy?" (the fact that she made that comment and was 'nice').

What's wrong with her handing out compliments to others (which is one GOOD side effect of being complimentary to her), and why shouldn't she feel good about doing so? I think it's pretty cool that she wants to pass on positive compliments to others. To me this comes from positive self esteem-- the people and children I know with good esteem always express positive statements about others.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loved*
I don't know if I am explaining myself very well. Her worth as a person IS being determined by her actions and behaviors. I DO see that.

I think that our "worth" as people is determined by our actions and behaviors. I think that people who are positive in life, who are cooperative with other people, who observe and express positive behaviors and emotions, are "worth" more than other people. I believe that Mother Theresa has more worth than any felon who has committed a violent crime against a person.

We all want our children to know that we will love them, even if they are "bad". I don't believe in labeling children bad or telling them that they are bad. I prefer to talk about my expectations of cooperative behavior or to say that I need more cooperative behavior.

But I also want my son to feel proud about the good things that he does. I believe that he can be allowed to feel good about what he does and still not turn into a hopeless automaton slaving away for crumbs of praise from other people. But I think that in order for him to develop his own internal sense of what's good or not, he needs my input about what I think. It is an enormous task to help children figure out what is socially acceptable or not, or what is "nice" behavior or not. This also helps them understand how they are treated themselves-- at a party not long ago, I was walking to the bathroom when the little girl who lived there (she's the same age as my 3.5 old son) told me she was going to the bathroom. I told her that she could go first if she wanted, and she did. Then she asked me if it was "nice" to let someone use the bathroom first. She was trying to figure out what that meant socially. There is nothing wrong, IMO, in helping children undertsand the social meaning of their actions.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loved*
Her father has been saying "good girl" a lot the past year and half since we moved closer to his family - who use that term all the time along with, "What a pretty girl you are!" - and buying her dresses and pretty shoes, etc. etc.

I feel like I am really fighting an uphill battle here. And all of this is not good for her.

I think you are hearing something in the words that are said that just isn't there. Your DH says "good girl" and you hear "You are only worthy to me, your father, if you are good. Otherwise I'm going to toss you aside like yesterday's garbage." Her grandparents say "you are a pretty girl" and you think that means "you are only a worthy person because you are pretty."

And how do you know that this is not "good" for her-- is she distressed by these comments or by being with these people, or do these things just violate your philosophies?

I'm trying hard to be gentle and non-sarcastic, but I think you are making a problem where there is none. And I think that you're attempting to micromanage everybody else's relationship with your daughter, and I don't believe that's good for her. I can't imagine how compliments from her grandparents, unless they are insidious in nature, are wrong. Many people on this board write about overly critical grandparents who don't recognize their children at all-- that's a problem, I think.

Karla


----------



## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

I haven't read the whole thread yet, so apologies if I'm repeating what someone else has said...

My trouble with "good girl" is that it conveys the message that "we love you/approve of you when you are *good*"; and then good is so subjective and vague; how do you be "good?"

Add to that the whole thing of how girls are socialized to be "good" and "nice" and I get pretty cranky about the whole thing.


----------



## NoraB (Dec 10, 2002)

I hate the phrase "good girl/boy." To me, it does sound like one is talking to a dog. It also implies that the child is only "good" if they are doing what you want them to do. Most ppl wouldn't pop out w/ a "good girl" to a toddler in full independance mode screaming "I do it! I do it!" when you're trying to buckle her in the carseat. It also puts the pressure on the child to "be good." The child should be what s/he is. Yes, we need to teach our children to be respectful of themselves and others, but they have a right to be true to themselves also. They should be able to say no (even if we can't accomodate that no). They should be able to have days where they feel cranky or even mad at us. None of that makes a child less of a "good child."

As for "good job." I used to say that too until I did some reading. I realized that it's really a lazy phrase. It just pops out but it doesn't mean much. Now, I try hard to be specific when I'm giving encourgagement (You petted the cat very gently. He really enjoyed that." "You poured the milk into your cup all by yourself!"). I also try to highlight DD's achievement for herself rather than as something that pleases me ("You should be very proud of yourself!). I try to say, "You did it!" when I feel the urge to say "good job" and can't think of something specific to say.

I think we must be as careful w/ postive "labels" as negative ones. Telling child repeatedly that they are "kind" may seem like a way to help them be kind or reward them for being kind, but it really kind of traps the child in the role of "kind." Maybe sometimes the child doesn't want to be kind. That's okay too.

When I was growing up, I was told how "smart" I was. I overheard my mom telling family members that I was smart b/c I got all As on a report card, etc. I felt intense pressure to be "smart.' I also felt that anything less than a A meant that I was not smart. If I did poorly on a test, it was hard to avoid the conclusion that I was not really smart. Instead of loving learning for its own sake and enjoying my successes on their own, I felt like I had to perform so that others would continue to see me as "smart."

That's not something I want to pass on to my own child. I may tell her that something she did was smart or clever ("That was a clever solution to your problem!") but I try to avoid labeling HER as smart, clever, kind, etc. I believe she is all those things, but I want her to know that she is w/o making her feel that she always has to act that way. If she does an unkind thing, does that mean she ceases to be a "kind" person? I don't think so.

One thing I do say to DD is that she's beautiful. That one I find hard to curb. I do tell her that in all situations though, not just when she's dressed a certain way or behaving a certain way. I also tell her she's beautiful just the way she is, inside and out. And by example, I try to demonstrate finding beauty in everyone else around us. I'm not sure how that fits into the discussion, but it did pop to mind.

Does anybody have links to the articles on why praise can even be harmful?


----------



## scoutycat (Oct 12, 2003)

Interesting thread! SO far as others saying 'Good girl' or not, I figure if they aren't hurting her then she needs to develop independant relationships with others. I am her rock & she will look to the person she needs when she needs them and she will learn who loves her when she does what she's told and who just loves her as she grows. I can't make all her relationships perfect, I can't even know what that means. So in the mean time I do what's right for me, and try and stay out of it with others unless dd is showing some kind of distress or I see something as a major problem (ie, name calling, physical intervention, a misunderstanding etc.)
On the whole is 'good' a bad word issue - I don't typically use 'good girl' but it's more for my own state of mind than dd's. It will take a lot more than one phrase to make a kid into a praise junkie IMO. She hears me say atta girl! or good job! or That's what I like to see! or whatever, and it sounds pretty much the same to her. I try and be more descriptive sometimes, but she's barely a preschooler & often doesn't have time to listen to the long drawn out version - she knows what I'm talking about in general. However it does affect how I think if I use different language, so I do.


----------



## lifetapestry (Apr 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NoraB*
When I was growing up, I was told how "smart" I was. I overheard my mom telling family members that I was smart b/c I got all As on a report card, etc. I felt intense pressure to be "smart.' I also felt that anything less than a A meant that I was not smart. If I did poorly on a test, it was hard to avoid the conclusion that I was not really smart. Instead of loving learning for its own sake and enjoying my successes on their own, I felt like I had to perform so that others would continue to see me as "smart."

I'd suggest to you that the problem was not with the label, but with other dynamics in your family. My parents bragged openly about how "smart" I was and they always let me know that they were impressed with me. It gave me confidence to approach my schoolwork in a positive way, and gave me encouragement when I didn't do as well as I liked. I have an amazing zest for learning (I have a Ph.D. and a law degree, and a very fulfilling and challenging career that I have created on my own). At the same time, my parents taught me that being smart is not the be-all-or-end-all, and that I also needed to work hard, to help other people, and to be a good person. They didn't cluck with disappointment if I didn't get all A's and they told me to study what I was interested in.

There is longstanding psychological research that suggests that people are most psychologically healthy when they attribute their successes to internal characteristics (e.g. being smart) and their failures to external circumstances (e.g. not trying hard enough). Telling your children that they are smart when they figure something out or otherwise impress you (I don't think I'd feel the same with external accomplishments) -- when you authentically feel it yourself-- is not the problem. Teaching them that there's no room to not be smart or otherwise overstressing smart-ness at the cost of other things is the problem. Providing them with encouragement when they don't do as well with some things or just being accepting that it's not their strength is important, whether you say "you're smart" or not.

I think that "no praise" can backfire if there isn't an otherwise accepting and encouraging parental relationship. I think you can avoid praise and end up with a child who thinks they never did anything worthy of praise. I think you can avoid labeling your child with positive characteristics and end up with a child who is insecure about who they are and whether you accept them.

I don't think that praise is the problem, or that labeling is the problem. I think that mindless praise, or lazy praise as you put it, is the problem. But genuine expressions of praise or statements of personal characteristics, in an otherwise healthy parent/child relationship, are likely to be facilitators of interests in learning and other life experiences.

I just can't imagine observing some of the things my son does or says and thinking inside my head, "that's smart!" and squelching the expression of that. I can't imagine thinking my son is smart and not telling him. I feel that would make me an inauthentic parent and a fake. My feelings, nothing more.

Karla


----------



## Angierae (Aug 17, 2004)

Quote:

Originally Posted by *lifetapestry*
_But genuine expressions of praise or statements of personal characteristics, in an otherwise healthy parent/child relationship, are likely to be facilitators of interests in learning and other life experiences._
I agree with you. I think, a healthy parent/child relationship has the greatest impact on a child. But I don't feel the statement "good girl"
ever falls into the category of praise you are describing. To me, it is almost always lazy praise. I strongly believe in the value of carefully chosen words. I want my child to *really* know what I am thinking. Telling her she is "good" or "smart" or "pretty" isn't deep enough for me. When I am impressed and exclaim, "Wow, you are so smart," I try to follow up with an explaination: "You matched those pictures very well." Or, "You look very pretty. I like how I can see your smile when your hair is in a ponytail." "Good" is definitely the hardest label for me to elaborate on. It means nothing specific to her. I'd rather just explain, "It made your friend happy when you shared your toys."

Quote:

Originally Posted by *lifetapestry*
_I think that in order for him to develop his own internal sense of what's good or not, he needs my input about what I think. It is an enormous task to help children figure out what is socially acceptable or not, or what is "nice" behavior or not. This also helps them understand how they are treated themselves-- at a party not long ago, I was walking to the bathroom when the little girl who lived there (she's the same age as my 3.5 old son) told me she was going to the bathroom. I told her that she could go first if she wanted, and she did. Then she asked me if it was "nice" to let someone use the bathroom first. She was trying to figure out what that meant socially. *There is nothing wrong, IMO, in helping children undertsand the social meaning of their actions.*_
I agree with this as well, but I would argue that your action teaches her more about social kindness than your words. Your action showed consideration for her needs in the face of your own. That is a complex social interchage. She likely felt happy about it and realized your action was "nice." I don't think there is any harm in affirming that it was "nice," but I think her asking you that question shows that she *doesn't* need verbal input about what is socially acceptable. She internally understood the social meaning of your action by the way it made her feel. I can't imagine calling dd a "good girl" could ever really help develop her own internal sense of what is good. But that's just me!


----------



## sagira (Mar 8, 2003)

I really dislike "Good boy" and those clearly "you are what you do" messages our music teacher has been sending ds. It really grates on me. However, at the same time..

I've told dh not to use it and he doesn't. Well, maybe he slips 1% of the time, but I know he tries very hard and is doing really well (hmm.. good dh! :LOL )

So.. my point is, I take responsibility for what to say to my child (we usually do "yay!" which he's been using a lot with himself







) and I know that as his mother I am a big influence. Since father is on board as well we're pretty certain it's not going to be a problem and as he gets older we can always explain how some people feel the need to say those things because they're pleased and lack other things to say.

I wouldn't stress about it too much. Like another mama in another thread said, sometimes we think too much. Let's enjoy our children and do our best.

We can't control what other people say or do (I don't think we would want to either, we're into gentle discipline -- hehe







), but hey, we matter the most to our children and what we say or do has the biggest impact on them than even Grandpa or Grandma.

Cheers,


----------



## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

I mentioned my MIL before - part of what bugs me about her is her shallowness in some respects. She talks in 'nice' and 'lovely' and 'ooh' and doesn't engage with anything seriously. She makes much of the lengths she goes to to keep everyone 'happy' but does this by never committing herself to anything or anyone which is incredibly frusrating. This is obviously a judgement on my part but I think it is an example of what we are discussing which I feel is 'niceness' over substance.

She has told me that I would look 'nicer' and 'prettier' if I grew my hair (I have an elfin crop) She ignores that fact that I am contented, settled, loving, happy, beautiful and sexy to my husband and that looking 'nice or pretty' don't figure in the way I see myself. My many other skills and attributes are way more meaningful than these superficial labels. I would like to be remembered for more than being nice.

Incidentally how do we feel about being described as a 'good person' now that we are grown-ups?


----------



## NoraB (Dec 10, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lifetapestry*
I'd suggest to you that the problem was not with the label, but with other dynamics in your family. My parents bragged openly about how "smart" I was and they always let me know that they were impressed with me. It gave me confidence to approach my schoolwork in a positive way, and gave me encouragement when I didn't do as well as I liked. I have an amazing zest for learning (I have a Ph.D. and a law degree, and a very fulfilling and challenging career that I have created on my own). At the same time, my parents taught me that being smart is not the be-all-or-end-all, and that I also needed to work hard, to help other people, and to be a good person. They didn't cluck with disappointment if I didn't get all A's and they told me to study what I was interested in.

I'm very sure that my family dynamics played into the situation, but I don't think the labeling is inconsequential either. I don't think that positive labeling is _always_ going to lead to the scenario I suggested, especially if the parents make it clear that they think the child is smart even in "failure" and do not tie "smartness" to grades and such. However, I do think that labeling can still be risky. We have to ask ourselves where the urge to label is coming from and whether or not it is an unconsious attempt to mold the child into what _we_ think s/he should be.

Quote:

I think that "no praise" can backfire if there isn't an otherwise accepting and encouraging parental relationship. I think you can avoid praise and end up with a child who thinks they never did anything worthy of praise. I think you can avoid labeling your child with positive characteristics and end up with a child who is insecure about who they are and whether you accept them.
I didn't mean to imply that I would never praise or that all praise is bad. I am just trying to get beyond empty, knee jerk phrases like, "Good girl!" "Good job!" "You're so smart!" and make the praise specific ("You climbed that really high ladder to the big slide all by yourself!" "You figured out the puzzle!"). I want to give my DC more information than just a verbal pat on the back. To me, hearing the same phrase over and over in different situations makes the phrase lose much of its pleasing ability. Additionally, I want DD motivated to do things b/c of the internal pleasure it gives her (intrinsic motivation) rather than to please or be rewarded by others (extrinsic motivation). Believe me, I _do_ show my pleasure in her, couldn't deny it if I tried (b/c I think she's the most beautiful and amazing child on the planet :LOL ), and that expression of pleasure does spring spontaneously from a genuine place. However, I've just learned to replace my old knee-jerk expressions w/ words that show more attention to the actually situation and that also highlight DD's own acheivement for herself.

In the end, I must say that we are rather blessed to even be debating issues of praise. It means (IMO) that we've generally gotten beyond the major parenting issues that take up much of the time of other parents. It seeems to me that we must be more certain of our parenting philosophies than the general public if we have the mental energy to devote to "the little things."







I think that bodes well for the future of all our children, whether we choose to praise or not.


----------



## aira (Jun 16, 2004)

Very interesting thoughts....

How would any of you handle having a stanger say "Good Boy" in the terribly condescending tone??

What if it were your boss, or something? Someone you couldn't be snarky with? (My fave way of handling stuff!







)

It actually happened to DS last night at an aikido seminar. After the class (in which I did not participate but played with DS on the side), a senior to me told DS something like "Thank you for being such a good boy during the class and not bothering us while we trained." I wanted to punch his lights out, but truely CAN'T. Hell, even DH can't knock this guy out - he's WAY senior.







:

Not that that's the right way to handle it, but my point is in asking what would you do to someone you're required to show respect, who disrespects your child? I can't just let it go because of the message my silence would send DS...

What do you mamas think?


----------



## momnloveit (May 28, 2002)

I get annoyed with myself when I find these words coming out of my mouth. I don't like to be labeled, either. It can put a lot of pressure on you. I still feel it sometimes. When I hear "you're such a good mom" it makes me feel really good. But then when I'm having a really horrible day, I think "what if they saw me now?" I'd rather hear "You handled that situation beautifully" Then if I was having a rough day, it would be about how I was handling things, not about me and my worth as a mother. I'm never very good at writing how I feel, so I hope you get the point.
My latest development is "big girl!" It is so stupid, yet I hear myself saying it a lot. I'd take quite the offense if someone said that to me! lol.
having someone say that you're always a certain way can be tough. You feel like you're not allowed to be human.


----------



## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

We are so scared that we will do this with our daughter because we do it with our cat ALL the time







:

Obviously, the cat isn't damaged by it...but she is well...a CAT.....

it is a hard habit to get out of because we will stroke our kitty and in the sweet baby voice tell her what a *good girl* she is and my husband and I have already had discussions that we absolutely CAN NOT do this with our daughter (not that we would do it in the same way obviously, but you know what I mean)

We know all the reasons NOT to, and agree with all of them...here's to praying and hoping that we can break the cycle we created with our cat :LOL

My mom STILL does that with me and I HATE it..and I am nearly 28!!!!!!! Like she went with me to the laundry mat the other day to help me out (because I am bursting at 37 weeks!) and I folded her quilt for her and she was like "good girl, thanks"

OMG ...

If it weren't so crazy, it would have been funny...or the other way around maybe... :LOL


----------



## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Slightly OT, but DS is potty training so I have been praising his ability to put pee in the potty lately. The other day I was on the toilet (sorry if TMI) and DS came up to me, patted me on the back and said with much enthusiasm, "Mommy, you're such a good pee-er!" :LOL







Thanks, DS.

Sometimes, when DS and I are just hanging out and I'm really enjoying being with him, I will tell him he is a great kid and I love being his Mommy. No strings attached. I think that's the key - unconditional acceptance. I don't like the idea of a child's worth being dictated by how they behave or what they do, and I think that's the message that is indirectly sent when we express approval of a child's actions by telling them that they are a "good" or "bad" child, in totality. Their actions may be good or bad, but *they* are always inherently good and valuable and loved.


----------



## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aira*
...what would you do to someone you're required to show respect, who disrespects your child? I can't just let it go because of the message my silence would send DS...

What do you mamas think?

Well, in this case I *would* actually say nothing. Hearing a relative stranger call him a "good boy" is not going to do any harm to your DS. I understand cringing a little over it - I would too - but it was meant as a compliment and I'd take it that way.

Now, on the other hand, if someone was disrespecting my DS by pushing him out of the way or telling him to shut up or something, I'd have PLENTY to say about it.


----------



## NoraB (Dec 10, 2002)

When strangers tell DD "good girl," I try to respond w/ something more specific. I can't think of any examples off the top of my head, but I do it in much the same way you might respond back to a toddler when they use a gramatically incorrect sentence (toddler: " I want she stay here!!!" me: "Oh. You really want her to stay with you."). You're not overtly correcting the child, but reflecting the correct way of speaking in normal converstation. KWIM?

When it comes to family, I take the same tack unless it proves not to work...then I consider the worth of having a conversation about it. So far, I've approached the situation by opening the discussion on how _I'm_ trying to change said behaviour in _myself_. I say that I've been doing some reading and am trying to find alternative ways to encourage rather than saying "good girl," etc. It seems to be a pretty effective and nonconfrontational way of dealing w/ the sitaution.

The newest one I'm tackling (in myself as well as others) is the "don't" phrases. Don't climb the furniture. Don't spill the milk. Don't, don't, don't. I'm working really hard on saying what to do insead (for some reason, this wasn't a problem before the last few months). Next I'll have to tackle the way that other family members tell DD "don't."

Or what about "be careful!" and "don't hurt yourself!" I don't like those either. Especially, "You'll fall!" Talk about self-fufilling prophecies! So far, I've come up w/ "Keep your balance!" "Climb as far as you feel steady, then come back down." I'm a bit stumped for variety though.


----------



## girlndocs (Mar 12, 2004)

Heh.

My mom did a lot of things wrong, but one thing she did right was somehow not have heart attacks as I climbed every tree I saw









Her perennial favorite thing to yell? "Watch where you put your hands and feet!"


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *famousmockngbrd*
Slightly OT, but DS is potty training so I have been praising his ability to put pee in the potty lately. The other day I was on the toilet (sorry if TMI) and DS came up to me, patted me on the back and said with much enthusiasm, "Mommy, you're such a good pee-er!" :LOL







Thanks, DS.

Sometimes, when DS and I are just hanging out and I'm really enjoying being with him, I will tell him he is a great kid and I love being his Mommy. No strings attached. I think that's the key - unconditional acceptance. I don't like the idea of a child's worth being dictated by how they behave or what they do, and I think that's the message that is indirectly sent when we express approval of a child's actions by telling them that they are a "good" or "bad" child, in totality. Their actions may be good or bad, but *they* are always inherently good and valuable and loved.

I got the potty applause once and realized how silly I was to be applauding my son when he did his business. It was pretty funny and eye opening seeing my son sitting on the side of the tub clapping away for me.


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

NoraB, your post struck a nerve with me. I have two sisters. My mom always told me I was pretty but I didn't believe her because my older sister got a lot of attention from guys for looking sexy and my younger sister got a lot of attention from everyone for being so cute and pretty. So I took the smart tack. I wanted to be recognized for being smart. I was always memorizing things and spouting them back and reading things and remembering my way around places. I was the family guide when we would go on vacations even when I was only 10. My mom always told me I was smart too. I love my mom and really like the way she raised us. I don't feel she put pressure on me to be smart or that she made me feel not beautiful, it was actually more my perception of the way people responded to my siblings that prompted my actions. But I do remember that when I started dating, I would feel sad when a guy called me beautiful. Or when people would compliment me on my looks, I would feel very awkward. I mean, how could I say thank you for the compliment when my looks are not my doing? Anyway, I've always had strange feelings inside when people told me I was smart or beautiful. I just feel like they are so insincere most of the time.


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *famousmockngbrd*
Now, on the other hand, if someone was disrespecting my DS by pushing him out of the way or telling him to shut up or something, I'd have PLENTY to say about it.

What DO you say to that? It actually happened to me!
We were at the first day of dance class a couple of weeks ago and my son got upset and came to me crying. The woman in front of us tried to loudly shush him and then she turned around and said CUT IT OUT!. Everyone in the room heard her and she was glaring at my son when she said it. I was flabbergasted. I said EXCUSE ME? and she wouldn't even turn around. In fact, she took a few steps over so she was standing in front of me and blocking my view. I was seated on the floor nursing my baby. I thought of a lot of things to say to her but nothing that I would be proud of saying in a room full of preschoolers. So I just told her she was extremely rude and had no right to speak to my child, or anyone, like she just did.
It continued after the class, but I still would like to have had a better response than that. It was almost 2 weeks ago and I'm still angry about it. She wasn't at the last class and neither was her kid. But she might be there next week. I hope not.


----------



## aira (Jun 16, 2004)

kavamamakava, what a *&%$ she is! I'm sorry for your DS, you, and the nursling. Geez!

I think I'd give her the same treatment. Like:

Your disdain for children is making everyone here uncomfortable. See, everyone is looking at you.

How does it feel to have everyone here see you shaming a 4 year old for not having impulse contol, when you clearly don't either?

Do you treat your own children so poorly too?

I can come up with lots to say about something that egregious!

Hugs to you!


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

I really wish I would have thought of some of those comments. Heh.
I hope she doesn't come back. But if she does, I need to have something to say to her. haha


----------



## aira (Jun 16, 2004)

Feel free to use those if you like them...









I like to prepare for such things too, beacuse I never know when I'll freeze inthe moment. Rehearsal is great!


----------



## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Kavamamakava, I only said I'd have plenty to say, I didn't say any of it would be particularly snappy.









I'd like to claim I'd come up with some great remark but in actuality I'd probably say something like, "I'm sorry, are we bothering you?" in a really sarcastic voice.









I wish I could claim to be gentle with everyone but when strangers are rude to me or someone I love, my first instinct is still to give them major attitude.


----------



## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

hm...i'm still really struggling to see why "good girl" or "good boy" is so evil. i mean...does telling your child that they are good mean that you only value them when they are good? i really don't see that. i think it's a stretch, personally...when i say "good job" or "good boy" i mean that right then he did something really well and i want to acknowledge it. or sometimes he wasn't doing a darn thing but he's still a good boy/good person so i'm telling him. i tell him he's good all the time...he's never heard me say he's "bad" or "not good", so why would he assume that he's only good when he does good things? or that i don't value him when he's not good? i've never identified those times for him. maybe i'm not explaining myself well, but i'm just really struggling to see how our kids would take a negative message away from that statement. if it's a more complex sentence like "put your toys away like a good boy" i can see how an older child could interpret that as "if i don't put them away, i'm not a good boy"...i guess i don't say "good boy" when he's doing something that's polite or disciplined or whatever...and almost never when i've directly asked him to do something...so it doesn't carry that connotation with it in my head when i'm saying it. i typically say things like "you're such a good kid" just randomly when my heart is overflowing...not usually tied to actual acts.

i don't know...maybe i should re-read the thread.


----------



## lifetapestry (Apr 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kavamamakava*
So I just told her she was extremely rude and had no right to speak to my child, or anyone, like she just did.
It continued after the class, but I still would like to have had a better response than that. It was almost 2 weeks ago and I'm still angry about it. She wasn't at the last class and neither was her kid. But she might be there next week. I hope not.

I think you did fine. I'm a lawyer, so I like to invoke legal language if I'm trying to intimidate someone. This past winter we were at McDonald's (yeah, so kick me off mdc) because Noah loves their playground (and their french fries and chicken selects). He was also at a stage (he has some mild/moderate SIDS issues that he had to wear shoes (his high top hiking boots) all the time indoors; he didn't like the feeling of just socks. So I do not insist that he remove his shoes, as the rules at McDonald state. I wipe down his shoes everyday, so I tend to think they're at least as clean as some kids' dirty bare feet (also against the "rules").

So one Dad (who kept using that annoying counting thing to get his kids to behave) starts yammering to me about how he has to take his shoes off. I say "I hear you. He's fine with his shoes on." Then he goes to get the manager, who obviously tells him to lay off. He continues to yammer at me until I say, "If you speak to me again, I will report you to the manager for harassment." Instant shut up.

Really, I think that the only way to deal with bullies is to bully them back. They are usually the kind of people who cower at the mention of authority, so I invoke it whenever possible, after other hints or rationales haven't worked. I either point to some written document or "rule" that validates my perspective, or I tell them to stop speaking to me or I will report them for harassment. Or both.

That's what legal harassment is, by the way. If you have told someone to stop talking (writing/emailing) and they continue to do it, that's harassment. No one has to listen to someone for any reason, no matter what the content is that they are communicating, even if you're breaking the rules. Well, okay, you probably can't report someone for harassment if they keep telling you to stop beating them after you've told them to shut up. Otherwise, you're in the clear.

So the only thing that I would have done in your shoes is to tell the bully (what an obnoxious thing to do and say, by the way) that if she speaks to you or your child again, you will report her to the management for harassment. I'd probably do it if I saw her again at the class, rather than wait for her to say something again. Prevention and all that-- plus, she should know that her behavior was way over the top-- I'm rather hot headed anyway, but I felt my blood boil just reading your story.

Karla


----------



## lifetapestry (Apr 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *michelemiller*
i typically say things like "you're such a good kid" just randomly when my heart is overflowing...not usually tied to actual acts. .

FWIW, this is pretty much how I exclusively use "good"-- as I agree that saying "good" in response to specific behavior IS lazy. That I think is right-- that it is better to say "thank you" for cooperation and to make a specific observation or compliment for "good" behavior.

Sometimes I think that in a lot of these threads, people are getting all worked up over semantics. I think that showing unconditional love to your kids is not as much what you say to them (or don't say), but in all the small ways you *show* them that you love them, no matter what. As the trite saying goes, talk is cheap. Actions are what counts.

Context matters too. I am very confident that my son knows that I'll love him and be there for him, no matter what, even though I tell him that he's a good kid. In the context of our relationship, it's just natural and I can see that magical positive electrical feeling thing that runs between us when I say it.

Karla


----------



## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

YES, exactly...you said it so much better than i did. LOL


----------



## macleand (Jun 7, 2006)

Is anyone still reading this post?

My inlaws watch my 2.5 year old two days a week with an over night during the summers. The rest of the time I'm a stay at home mom.

Every time summer rolls around it's bitter sweet. I love that they want to be a part of her life and I appreciate some "me" time but they are just insane people and they don't listen to a thing I say.

First it was them clapping and saying "yeah Jayden!" when she was 6 months. Not just a little. But hundreds of times a day the whole time. If she blinked they would go bulistic forever like a parade hit town. Then I would get her back and she would cry and whine if I didn't do the same for every little thing she did.

I explained to them that she now was more interested in praise than actually doing anything for the sake of doing it. They would "yes me" but it didn't stop. They still do it at 2 1/2 and even catch themselves doing it in front of me.

Then they started potty training her evern though I told them that I was waiting till she was closer to three whenever she initiated it. They said OK and then "oops she found her potty"! I told them to put it away. They did but then started reading her potty books. I got angry with them. They played stupid.

Now they've started with the "good girl, she's such a good girl, good girl Jayden, don't you want to be a good girl, be a good girl Jayden, don't be a bad girl"!!! And I 'm talking all at once they will say all that... over and over. I've told them not to. And why and given them articles and on and on. Then they say back to me after weeks of telling them and them "yessing" me... "but it helps her not to do certaing things". I want to scream. They aren't the brightest bulbs and they don't listen or read anything I've given them.

Now I'm thinking of limiting the time they spend with her but I really hate to do that. I know how much they love her and she loves them. And I want them to know her and for her to have a close relationship with extended family.

But now when I tell her she can't do something she looks hurt and says that she's a good girl. Or if we have to leave someplace that she wants to stay. "No. I'm a good girl!" This morning I walked into her room and she demanded that I call her "a good girl"... she screamed it over and over.

I have no idea what to say to her about it. I tell her that she's not good or bad. That she's Jayden and Jayden's a girl and I love her no matter what. I've said that there's no such thing... that she's jayden... a human... a person.

I don't want her to think that I don't think she's good... I don't want her to think about it at all! A couple of weeks ago she was happy and had such high self esteem. And now the in-laws are home and she needs me to tell her that she's good.

It's enough that they've taught her to say "excuse me poops cucks" every time she passes gas. Which haven't said too much about. If I said something every time they bugged me I would never stop talking. Yes... I'm venting right now!

I try to think of it as Jayden getting a taste of different people, different personalities and different ways of being. But when I see them messing with her self esteem I just want to roar like a mother lion.

What do I say to my daughter when she insists that she's called a good girl?

Anybody?


----------



## macleand (Jun 7, 2006)

Is anyone still reading this post?

My inlaws watch my 2.5 year old two days a week with an over night during the summers. The rest of the time I'm a stay at home mom.

Every time summer rolls around it's bitter sweet. I love that they want to be a part of her life and I appreciate some "me" time but they are just insane people and they don't listen to a thing I say.

First it was them clapping and saying "yeah Jayden!" when she was 6 months. Not just a little. But hundreds of times a day the whole time. If she blinked they would go ballistic forever like a parade hit town. Then I would get her back and she would cry and whine if I didn't do the same for every little thing she did.

I explained to them that she now was more interested in praise than actually doing anything for the sake of doing it. They would "yes me" but it didn't stop. They still do it at 2 1/2 and even catch themselves doing it in front of me.

Then they started potty training her evern though I told them that I was waiting till she was closer to three whenever she initiated it. They said OK and then "oops she found her potty"! I told them to put it away. They did but then started reading her potty books. I got angry with them. They played stupid.

Now they've started with the "good girl, she's such a good girl, good girl Jayden, don't you want to be a good girl, be a good girl Jayden, don't be a bad girl"!!! And I 'm talking all at once they will say all that... over and over. I've told them not to. And why and given them articles and on and on. Then they say back to me after weeks of telling them and them "yessing" me... "but it helps her not to do certaing things". I want to scream. They aren't the brightest bulbs and they don't listen or read anything I've given them.

Now I'm thinking of limiting the time they spend with her but I really hate to do that. I know how much they love her and she loves them. And I want them to know her and for her to have a close relationship with extended family.

But now when I tell her she can't do something she looks hurt and says that she's a good girl. Or if we have to leave someplace that she wants to stay. "No. I'm a good girl!" This morning I walked into her room and she demanded that I call her "a good girl"... she screamed it over and over.

I have no idea what to say to her about it. I tell her that she's not good or bad. That she's Jayden and Jayden's a girl and I love her no matter what. I've said that there's no such thing... that she's jayden... a human... a person.

I don't want her to think that I don't think she's good... I don't want her to think about it at all! A couple of weeks ago she was happy and had such high self esteem. And now the in-laws are home and she needs me to tell her that she's good.

It's enough that they've taught her to say "excuse me poops cucks" every time she passes gas. Which haven't said too much about. If I said something every time they bugged me I would never stop talking. Yes... I'm venting right now!

I try to think of it as Jayden getting a taste of different people, different personalities and different ways of being. But when I see them messing with her self esteem I just want to roar like a mother lion.

What do I say to my daughter when she insists that she's called a good girl?

Anybody?


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aira*
What if it were your boss, or something? Someone you couldn't be snarky with? (My fave way of handling stuff!







)

"All kids are good kids"

I know that still has the "good" in it, but I think it gets the message across. I say that when people comment on how good ds is. "All toddlers are good in their own ways." or something like that. It seems less confrontational than saying that I don't like to hear "good boy."
You could maybe even add that your ds was quiet for the lesson, and that you can see that the instructor was appreciative of that. Something that shows ds what the teacher meant, while taking the judgement out of it.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loved*







: Someone please help me explain to my husband and others why saying "Good girl!" to my daughter is so not cool.

Tell them that YOU think she's always good. That you don't want her to think that your approval of HER is dependent on her actions. I'm sure your family wants to convey that they love her no matter what! They just don't see "good girl" as being conditional.

You can also tell them that "good girl" doesn't give dd any information about what they appreciated. Ask them to be specific, if they must give out their value judgements. (Maybe don't say it that way. That sounds a bit confrontational lol).

Also, one thing that strikes me, is that when you praise a child for doing something social, like sharing or being helpful, it sends the message that you are surprised that dc was social. That sharing was unexpected, and it seems uncharacteristic of dc. I told my grandma that, to try to get her to stop saying "good boy". So she started saying "Good show! I KNEW you'd help me throw the trash away." lol. sigh. hehehe


----------

