# TTC'ers experiencing a m/c



## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

I hate the thought of starting this thread...but since there have SO many of us in the last couple of weeks going through this terrible time, I thought we could glean some comfort, wisdom, and love off each other.

So, I'm inviting Bunches, LisaG, Tara, Laura, Jesse, Kama, and Gonnabeamom here to commiserate, cry, rant, and heal. (And anyone else I might have missed -- though I sure hope they're aren't any more!)

I really believe that it's through helping each other that we will eventually heal -- and come out stronger and better than ever (though that is very difficult to see now.)

It's been 12 days since my miscarriage. I'm having good days and bad days. Thankfully I've found a lot of support with my family, friends, yoga people, and especially the women here.

This is my 2nd m/c in 6 months and I must admit I'm terribly gun-shy at this point. As I've said on other posts, I was so confident I would have this baby. Now I don't know how I"ll go into another pregnancy with that confidence. So I"m just taking some time to see where the lessons of this m/c take me. ..

Today I buried "my baby" along with the November Angel Pin that signified him/her and planted a columbine plant in rememberance. I feel like I've returned the gift my baby gave me.

I highly recommend a book my midwife lent me called "Ended Beginnings." It really validated some of the crazy emotions I was having. I was actually feeling angry at my baby for a day or two. (I believe that the soul of my baby is the same one with both m/c's and the same soul of the baby I'll actually have one day.) And I internally yelled at my baby "Why can't you commit! Is this what you're going to be like in real life?!" Of course, I felt horrible and guilty -- but then I learned it's normal. And you wouldn't be angry if you didn't love.

Anyway, I'm babbling. I hope some of you other women come over and share where you are at right now. I'm sure many of us are feeling the exact same way.

Love to all you wonderful ladies. We WILL see our babies again, I just know it....


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Hi Kate, I'm sorry about your losses.

I too am TTC again after losing two babies. The second m/c happened last May. It's taken us this long to really get the courage to try again. 4th cycle TTC (off and on)

I'm DPO 8 today and of course hoping...will I ever get pregnant again?

Hugs to all of us!!!


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Kate, thanks for starting this. My last m/c was back in feb, but I feel like I'm reliving them with all the losses for our TTC group in the last couple weeks. I know that even though a week ago I was pumped to start trying again (first month back at it) and now at cd 10 I find myself making excuses as to why we may not want to start again now.
For those of you who are experiencing their first m/c, I urge you to deal with it as fully as you can. Allow yourself to feel all you need to feel. Don't jump right into trying again unless you've processed the first.
I feel I know each of you closely, having shared the TTC journey together and now this. We will get through, together. I can tell you that without all of my TTC friends and the ones here on the birth loss board, I know that I couldn't possibly have made it through.
My love and big hugs to all of you, please know that I'm thinking of you and feeling your losses with you.


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## ninafel (Apr 14, 2003)

Thanks so much for starting this thread. I had three miscarriages within a year and am on the 3rd cycle ttc, 12 days dpo and planning to test tomorrow morning (although I'm not feeling particularly pregnant!).

I finally started to feel better about two weeks ago. I think I spent January in shock and February and March in a complete daze. After my first two miscarriages I was diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder that is treatable, so when I got pregnant a 3rd time I thought things would go well......but I never really felt pregnant and an embryo never developed. The pregnancy ended at 6 weeks and analysis showed a random chromosomal anomally.

I think I had held it together after my first two losses--focusing on getting information and getting pregnant again.......the bottom kind of fell out after the third.

Now, I see there is light at the end of the tunnel! I have felt well and at peace even happy these last couple of weeks and have been productive at work again, too, which is a relief.

I also read the book you mentioned, Ended Beginnings, about a month ago and I think it got the ball rolling and helped give me permission to feel the full range of my feelings and not just numb out.

This board--and also a board for women with clotting disorders who are pregnant or trying to get pregnant--have also been terrifically helpful.

Best to all on this shared journey,

Ninafel


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## Bunches (Dec 8, 2003)

Thank you for starting this thread. This was my first pregnancy and I miscarried on Sunday at 6 weeks. I had a hard time accepting the fact that I was pregnant because we had been trying for 5 months officially, 7 months unofficially (KWIM?). Then, when I was pregnant, I kept getting faint lines on HPTs then tried another brand and it was negative. Finally, I got a blood test and it was positive. I was soooooooooo excited. I was finally letting myself believe it when I woke up one day no longer FEELING pregnant. I was soooooo devastated as I watched my Hcg levels drop and then the bleeding started. They never did any tests on me to find out what went wrong. I am still spotting today. I had to work the past 2 days (long shifts in the ER) so I haven't had too much time to "take care of myself" as I was the first few days. I do "tear" up when someone mentions it. I ended up going into the ER I work at for bleeding on Sunday night so most people know. I think I feel numb today.
I am also soooooooooooo sorry for your loses. Thanks for your kind words and suggestions. I'm thinking of each and every one of you.


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## sweetpeasmom (Nov 20, 2003)

It's been about 5 days since mine. Mentally i am doing ok. I sorta knew something wasn't right and the baby wasn't going to stick, so it was like I was expecting it to happen. Physically, I am so tired. I feel so drained.

Last night I had a craft group get together w/family and friends. No one knows I am ttc again, as far as they know I am done. Only my cousin knows. I did tell her about the m/c. Well my mom said something like, well I'd really love to have a grandson. Ya, that made me feel better.







I know she doesn't mean anything by it. i'm sorta used to it, she said for 10 yrs she hoped she'd get a grandchild. So she's very happy w/my dd.


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## chiromama (Dec 29, 2003)

I just wanted to stop in and send everyone here a big fat







. I have not ever been pregnant, so it's impossible to understand the immense pain you all must be suffering through. I'm just glad to know if I ever have to go through this, I'll have so much support.
I hope you all heal in your own time, and know that your babies will come to you.


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## saturnine25 (Mar 26, 2002)

I just wanted to come by and give everyone from the ttc forum another







(hugs to everyone else, too). I have found myself in tears more than once over the last few days hearing about your losses. My heart goes out to all of you.
Anyway, more







s and healing thoughts for all of you....


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## LisaG (Feb 23, 2003)

Hello ladies,

Checking in here. Thanks for starting this thread Kate. I was really touched by your story of the green sea glass - it is so amazing to me how our little ones reach out to us across time and space.

I've had a really hard time not running away from it all. I know in my head that the only way through this is through this, not burying it, not dodging it, but dang part of me is just running like hell, so I stop feeling sad.

Last night I received some craniosacral therapy from a friend of mine and realized how detached from my body I was. I haven't been that disconnected in a looong time. Then I realized that I was trying to "keep" the baby by following his/her energy with my own, if that makes any sense. I was outta here, bye bye body. But I realized if my energy isn't in my body how in the world am I going to get pregnant again and be present for our baby? Had quite the back and forth with myself - "you've got to come back in" "I don't want to" "but you have to" "but it's so sad in there" "well at least you're feeling something" - my poor heart felt so sore and heavy, but I suppose that's a positive change from feeling numb and disconnected.

I think the hardest thing about all of this is knowing all the work I put into to get here. First finding out about my fibroids, then trying to fix that with diet and nutritional work, then finding out that I didn't just have large fibroids I had a uterine birth defect, then figuring that all out, then finding a surgeon and that whole process, and of course the first guy was an idiot, and so was the second gal, and finally third doc was the charm, then the 10 hour trip to the surgeons, then the recovery, then all the bodywork and vitamins and processing and just plain f*$%ing WORK to be present with myself and my healing and getting everything ready in preparation for pregnancy. Then the giant leap of faith in spite of all the fear. Then the amazing news that I was pregnant. I took a picture of dh and I minutes after we found out - have it framed on our dresser. I look at it now and wonder will we ever be so excited again?

Then the ups and downs of hormones and pregnancy, and searching for a care provider who was willing to do vaginal virth instead of a c/s (due to my uterine scars), thought we found midwives, no go, trip to the backup doc who looked at me like I was a friggin' uterine ticking time bomb, then my ob/gyn who will not do anything but a c/s. And feeling so sad and yet petty for being so upset over method of birth when we had the amazing miracle of being pregnant after that whole long haul. Then finally, slowly, getting to a place of acceptance that perhaps my uterus really needed help and was doing the best it could do to get pregnant and nourish a baby and that asking it to go through birth was more than it could do. Realizing that in my gut, not due to pressure, not due to giving up - but due to tuning into my body and asking what it needs. The day before I started to really bleed, I realized that yes, I could have a c/s and not feel like I gave up and rolled over and succumed to fear based medical care. And then, poof, it was over.

It's that feeling that all the work I did, all the processing, all the healing, all the care I took wasn't enough to prevent this, it just wasn't enough. That exhausts me. And yet I know there are really valuable pieces I'm getting from this place, however painful and messy and unpleasant it is. But I'm still sad, and I still wish I was pregnant, and I still really miss my baby, and I'm afraid of how afraid I'm going to be next time. I really don't want to be afraid, but oh god I don't want to be here again.

I'm out of town teaching and the woman I'm staying with just had her first grandbaby born yesterday morning. They travelled to visit him and just got back tonight and she's positively glowing and so excited and joyful. I wish I knew that I'd have that experience in November, instead of the wondering when.

ahhhh - thanks for listening. I wish everyone courage and gentleness as we put one foot in front of the other and walk this path.

LisaG


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Just wanted to drop in.

I had a D&C at the office yesterday, and I'm still in the early stages of shock. This morning it was like I just didn't want to admit to myself that this pregnancy happened-I just wanted to go back to the TTC state. It seemed too gruesome, being told your baby doesn't have a heartbeat, to have actually happened. I remember last time I m/c reading about other people going through that and thinking "how horrible" I don't know how your get through that.

I keep looking down at my belly and wanting it to shrink back down right away. I was so happy when I started to show.

Both losses came after the point when I started to actual believe that I was going to have a baby.

The only thing that's letting me hold it together is that DH has been wonderful, he has been with me the whole way. Last time I kept feeling distant from him, and this time I feel like we're going through it together. I even had this funny thought that it's like Ground Hogs day, we had to keep doing this until we get it right.

I want to be pregnant again right away, but I can't imagine when in a pregnancy I'll ever feel safe.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Lisa, it sounds like you are doing some real work at processing this. Congrats and allow me to tell you that it takes some women (myself included) months to get to a spot where they can REALLY look at it all.
Gonnabe, I'm so glad your dh and you are working through this so closely, I'm envious of that.
Lisa you said we learn lessons at this stage and it's true. I had a pretty lousy childhood with physical, sexual and emotional abuse. I was 17 and had adopted myself some "parents" who were friends and mentors when I finally felt worth anything or that I was wanted or fun to be around. I waited this long to have a child partly because of that constant fear that abuse is a vicious circle, I couldn't stand the thought that I may put a child through what I had been through. So after years of therapy, here I was ready and then the losses started. The lesson I know I have learned is that not a day will go by that my child doesn't hear how much they are loved and wanted, I'll share with them how hard we worked to get them here instead of telling them they were a mistake that ruined my life. I'll make sure my child is one of the ones who is embarassed by all the affection instead of one who craves it so badly. I think for me that these losses where in some way necessary to bring me to that point. To understand what a miracle it is that any of us is here, including me.
As for when will you feel safe in the pregnancy, I don't know, I started to relax with the last one when we saw that heartbeat on U/S, but never completely and the day we went in for the second U/S I just knew something was wrong before anyone confirmed that. I can remember laying there praying to allow this baby to be ok, I'd do anything if this baby was just ok, it wasn't.
I too did and continue to do alot to make my body ready. I have rheumatoid arthritis, so I had to undergo some major medication changes in order to try. The new medications don't control my arthritis adn have caused weight gain and depression, but I'm willing to do that. Now they believe that my m/c's were caused by an autoimmune clotting disorder that is likely linked to my RA. The big thing I'm struggling with is the realization that we could treat for the clotting disorder and I could still loose the next one due to some other anomoly--that's scary, after 2 m/c's and a chemical pregnancy you'd think the universe could just guarentee me this one thing.
So I wonder the same things, will I ever trust my body, will I even get excited about being pregnant again, will I detatch myself from the next pregnancy in an effort to protect myself, will my baby know that I attempted to detatch myself and not get to excited? The answers I've come to..... I'll try but I likely will never completely trust my body, I'll get excited because as hard and tough as I can make myself in some situations, how can you not get excited when you see those 2 lines pop up, I'll attempt in the beginning to protect myself but although I've never felt a baby move inside me, that will bring me to my knees and all walls will be down, will my baby know how scared I was to get excited, maybe but I'll let them know it was fear over loosing them yet again.
These are just the ramblings of someone who is sitting at CD11 and planning to try this month but who is at the same time terrified especially in light of the recent "rash" of losses.
Lisa, Gonnabe, (and everyone else) you both sound like you are "dealing" well with things, just keep remembering that every single feeling you feel is normal, the emptyness, the horrible dull pain, the anger, the shakiness, all of it is normal and you do have to feel it.


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Thanks, everyone, so much for sharing your experiences. I know it is helping me to see that others are feeling the exact same emotions I am.

Lisa and Shannon -- so many of your words echoed my thoughts and feelings. Though I didn't have to go through tests or surgical procedures, I too felt like I had done everything I needed to to make my body the healthiest it could be. After my first m/c -- I put myself on a 5 month long boot camp of optimal health. Yoga, meditation, organic foods, positive affirmations, yoga cleansing techniques, and minimal stress. Obviously, this all didn't do exactly what I'd hoped.

Now I'm feeling defiant and rebellious. I'm eating things I don't normally -- like artificial sweetners and other crap-- just because I feel like "what the hell is the point of doing anything healthy?" My dh aptly described it when he said "Perhaps you're disenchanted with discipline right now."

I'm pretty sure this rebelliousness and denying my body of good things is my way of running away. Lisa -- it does hurt too much, I know...But you're right, we have to "come back" to heal correctly. So I'm taking very good care of myself today. It's an effort to even think about it, but I know it will make me feel better. (I'm so sorry you had to go through all those medical procedures! I can only imagine how much more painful that makes the whole process for you!)

Shannon -- thanks so much for sharing your experience. I'm struggling with the same issue most of us are facing right now -- how the hell do we ever trust our bodies again? My problem is that I was SO confident during both of my pregnancies -- even during the bleeding episodes I was able to convince myself that the baby was fine. People who know me IRL tell me how "in touch I am with my body," but then how come I didn't know when there was something wrong? How was I able to be in such denial when I'm staring at bold-faced evidence that there is something wrong?! I know I will NEVER be able to be that confident again.
I was so proud of myself for not worrying at all this last time -- I KNEW I'd have this baby. How could I have been SO wrong?

Now, all I can picture is living in fear with my next pregnancy -- and that is NOT a place I want to be. I don't know how to be pregnant right now. So we're not going to try. In fact, we just may never actively "try" again. I don't think I"ll go back to charting and temping. I can't picture myself being joyful at those 2 little lines. I think I have a lot of more work to do before I can even think about getting pregnant again...

Gonnabe -- There's nothing worse than having a pregnant body with no baby... Even though I was still early, my breasts were big -- and they still are. I look down at them and feel betrayed. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I had a similar experience my first m/c -- being told at an ultrasound there was no hb. Absolutely crushing...
I"m so glad your dh is wonderful and supportive. I, too, don't know what I"d do without my dh...

Thanks to all the other ladies for sharing -- and to those visiting with hugs. Sweetpeasmom, hope you start to feel better soon.

Ninafel -- what wonderful news it would be to discover you're pregnant after 3 m/c's. I'm so happy to hear that you found a place of peace and contentment -- I hope I can find that place eventually.

Bunches and Jesse, thinking of you...

Hugs to everyone here...


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## lisabc311 (May 18, 2003)

Can I join?

It has been almost 3 months since my latest miscarriage. I hate that I have to say "latest" miscarriage. Unfortunately, I have lost 3 babies. I feel like I should be an old pro at this by now. But each one hurts just as much.

We would be ttc right now except that the combination of the miscarriage and my ds still nursing has caused my cycles to be absolutely insane and I'm not ovulating. My OB prescribed Clomid for me. So as soon as AF shows up, we will use the Clomid with that cycle.

I have been spotting/light bleeding for 2 weeks now. I don't think this is AF. But how the heck am I going to know when to start my next cycle?































Those icons pretty much sum it up at this point.

Thanks for starting this thread.


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Hi Lisa,
So sorry to hear of your losses...
I think you're right -- you never "get used" to it. I can relate to your screwy cycles, too. Mine are usually 6 weeks -- and in the beginning of Feb I had a 2 week bleeding/spotting episode. I counted it as af, but it definitely wasn't a normal one. 2 weeks later we conceived -- which in hindsight I guess wasn't such a good thing after such a messed up cycle. My body still hadn't regulated itself after my first m/c. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't.

I'd be interested to hear about any ladies handled multiple m/c's. How long before you felt ready again? Were you able to trust your body again? Any constructive coping mechanisms to pass on?

I'm thinking of you all....


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Just wanted to pop in and send a huge hug to each and everyone of you. Know that you are in my thoughts and my prayers... I am KHA that you will each get your sticky baby soon!


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## sweetpeasmom (Nov 20, 2003)

Lisa







I can't even imagine your losses, definitely not easy
















I'm still sooooo tired, I can't believe how tired I am. For a brief moment today I thought that I was still pregnant, made me kinda sad. I thought I was doing well but I guess not. I don't even know if I even want to try again so soon.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Lisa,

I am sorry you have to be here. I keep finding myself stunned at how many times I have been pregnant, and yet I have no baby.

They asked me during the last u/s if I had other children, and I just felt like I was slipping down a hole, and that somehow if I had a child, I'd have something to cling to. I know in real life it's not so simple for those who do have children, but in that moment I felt myself dissapearing.

I almost wish I could start trying now, today, even though I don't even know if this m/c is complete. It's not that I'm comfortable with the idea of being prenant again-I'm afraid I won't feel safe next time-but TTC would at this be familar, would at least let me day dream about children again from teh perspective of hope instead of fear.

ETA: Lisa,

I re-read this thread, and realised that it might sound like I was comparing our situations ins ome sort of "at least you have a child" way. I'm not. I just noted the first time through that we'd both had so many unsucessfull pregancies, and I wanted to share my feelings of disbelief about having been through that also.


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## lisabc311 (May 18, 2003)

Kate- So you had a period of 2 weeks with light bleeding? I just don't know what to think of this? It is definitely not as heavy as a period, but I do have to change my panitiliner several times per day. It's so frustrating.







Thanks for understanding.

Alexis- Thanks for stopping in and thinking of us!

sweetpea- ((((hugs)))) I know that feeling of thinking that "maybe" you're still pregnant- even though you know it isn't true. I'm so sorry.









gonna- Please don't apologize! I understood what you meant. But in a way, it IS easier that I have a child. My latest miscarriage was hard....and I still felt like my heart was broken in two (isn't it amazing how they call it a broken heart and it really FEELS like your heart is broken?)...anyway, it WAS easier to hold my little boy and cry. So don't apologize. But I also hope you know that I still have faith that things are going to be okay. You will have that baby. I don't know why some of us have to go through the heartache to get to that point. Perhaps we'll never know. But I do know this- I am probably a better Mom because of it. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't look at my son and KNOW what a miracle he is. Every child is such a miracle. Some people lose sight of that or if they didn't have to struggle for that child, they may never even truly realize it. When you finally hold your baby, you are going to be such a great Mom. And your baby will be so lucky to know that his/her Mommy knows how miraculous they are!







's


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

ARGH!!!!

I'm not holding it together very well today. Yesterday I went to the lab to get blood drawn for recurring m/c tests, and they couldn't figure out what test I was supposed to have. So without asking me for information they proceeded to discuss me and my tests in voices that carried to the entire room. As far as I can tell the confusion was wheter or not the test for maternal chromosones was blood based or not. Like I'm gonna produce amniotic fluid for them!









Also DH was an absolute angel until the last two days. He had a social engagement Tuesday night, and Wednesday was completely wrapped up in a game on TV. At bedtime I just started feeling like I was coming unglued, and he reached over to me, and kept reading his book! I really need to connect with him, and I just couldn't find him. I told thim this morning that I had needed more attention than that, and I'm not sure he got it at all.









I also realized last night that I had skipped taking my thyroid pills for a few days because I forgot to get them at the pharmacy. I haven't done that since I started TTC-though I used to do it all the time before.

Despite all this utter wretchedness, I find myself really impatient about getting back to TTC. I'm not even pleased about waiting out the 10 days to have sex again. It's a major way of connecting with my sweetie for me, and feeling in my body, and it feels like a cruel imposition to have it taken away just when I need those things.

Where are other people in their journey towards trying again?


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## lisabc311 (May 18, 2003)

gonna- I'm sorry that he just didn't get it. Sometimes men "deal" with things by not dealing with them. I hope he wakes up to what you need soon.

Where are we in the ttc game?

WAITING. What else do I do?







I am on CD 44. I spotted for almost 3 weeks. Now today it seems to have stopped?







: I'm so confused!!!









I am supposed to take my Clomid on CD 5-9 on my next cycle. Was this bleeding for 3 weeks my period? I don't think it was. But with the state of confusion that my body has been in lately, anything is possible!


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Gonnabe -- so sorry you're having a tough time today. I hope tomorrow is better for you. I have to admit, I'm a bit envious that you're feeling ready to try again. I don't think I'll be there anytime soon. You said something on another thread that really hit home with me, something like "it's so cruel losing a pregnancy after a m/c -- it's like a nightmare repeating itself." So TRUE! I'm too afraid of yet another nightmare right now...so I'm waiting indefinitely.

Lisa, so sorry to hear you bled for 3 weeks. As I said in a previous post, I bled for 2 weeks in Feb, but that was 4 months after my m/c so I did count it as af. I don't know what you should count it as? Except your body not being ready. I should have taken that advice myself in Feb. Instead, I conceived 2 weeks later and here I am today -- though, I by no means regret this past pregnancy.
Sorry I can't be more help.

Laura and Bunches -- hope you're both feeling better.
Here's some healing light and energy to go around...


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

I'm not sure my being ready to TTC again is anything but a sign of general bloodymindedness.

I waited along time before TTC for health reasons, we tried for a year before the first pregnancy that m/c in January, and getting pregnant in March. I feel like I've waited enough, and also that I don't think time will make me less scared of having another loss.

The other night I was looking through Silent Sorrow, and I just realised, I'm gonna be scared of loosing the next pregnancy, whether I have it tomorrow or next year.

Also did I mention I'm just stubborn.

DH gets it generally, but he just didn't hear the urgency. Got to sit him down and say "I still need extra attention"

Lisa, Bleeding for 3 weeks sucks when you don't have to figure out how to count it. Maybe get some Raspberry Leaf or nettle tea to get things back on track.

How is everyone doing?


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Gonnabe, I totally get you. I waited a long time too. Have many health issues that complicate things and give things some extra urgency.
After I finally got off the couch after my last one, my dh just didn't get the fact that I still needed the extra either. It was kinda like, "oh good she's back" I had to really explain to him that just cause I was putting up a face to the rest of the world didn't mean I was truly OK.







to you and Kate and Lisa and all of us!!!!
btw, I think I'm gonna ovulate in the next day or two, so wish me luck ladies.


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## Bunches (Dec 8, 2003)

Hi eveyone...... I somehow think I subconsciously "forgot" that this thread was here. But, I think this is just what I need. I was an emotional wreck while I had the physical symptoms of my miscarriage. Then, I started feeling better physically and blocked everything out emotionally. I feel guilty about that. I DEFINITELY wanted this baby - more than anything. I have been working a lot and was taking some classes for work so I have been pre-occupied. Being an ER nurse doesn't always allow for "time to take care of oneself". I can't go to work and "take it easy". Yesterday, this male nurse I work with walked up to me and gave me a hug and said how sorry he was about what I was going through, how emotional it must have been to find out and feel so joyful and then miscarry and be so disappointed, also how hard it probably was because people at work knew but that everyone was thinking of me and they were all sorry. (It was the weekend so I ended up in the ER I work at for bloodwork, etc...) Wow......... it really hit me when he said all of that. It was really kind. I realized I am allowed to grieve this. I lost my baby at 6 weeks. We had been trying to get pregnant since August. Gosh....... today, it hurts. I find myself intellectualizing when talking with others about it and trying to hold it together. Oh...... it happened for a reason, at least I now know I can get pregnant, etc........ Also, those are the things people say to me to make me feel better. All with good intentions. I guess I must admit that I just don't know how to grieve this loss. I, too, was taking great care of myself. I look at others who barely change their lifestyle and have no problems conceiving and keeping their pregnancies and it amazes me. It makes me angry actually.
I'm sorry this was such a self-absorbed post. My thoughts are with all of you at this time. I am sorry for your losses.








I do try to light a candle for our baby when I am home so that I can keep him in my heart. dh was totally supportive but it sure hasn't hit him the way it hit me!!


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

I'm really only a lurker in this thread, but I wanted to pop in and say, Mary -- don't apologize for being sad or self-involved! Sometimes we have to remind each other that it is OK to just feel self-involved or grieve, and we are all here to let each other do that, OK?

Will go back to lurking.... my thoughts are with each and every one of you!


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## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

I'm here too. Had one miscarriage in 2000, concieved DS 3 months later, then had another miscarriage this past Dec. have been very ambivalent about TTC. Didn't realise for long time how much that ambivalence was to do with the miscarriage. But this month we decided we will give it a go. I feel very different energetically and my body seems to be telling me to get on with it. But, how scary.








to everyone else.


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## Ravenmoon (Mar 2, 2002)

I began miscarrying today.I was only 4 weeks along so it was very early.Doesn't make it easier though.I feel very sad.I wanted this baby but i also wasn't quite ready.I didn't think i would get pregnant on my first cycle.I need to do some detoxing and i think i may have a loose cervix so i am going to start taking some false unicorn to prep myself.I figure i will give it a few months and then try again.This is my second miscarriage in 3 years and it is so hard but i know it wasn't meant to be.


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## LisaG (Feb 23, 2003)

Ravenmoon,

Sorry to hear you're joining our circle. Sounds like quite the normal mix of emotions you're going through. Give yourself time. I was amazed at how numb I was and then whamoo, it hit. Be gentle with yourself







.

LisaG


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## LisaG (Feb 23, 2003)

Hi ladies,

Did some good process pieces today. Actually felt ready to gather up the baby things (picture from when we first found out, notes, congrats balloon, pregnancy tests) and put them away. So I got everything together and put them in an envelope in our momento box. Threw away all the flowers that were starting to fade out. It felt good to clear the energy. Then I wrote our baby a goodbye letter. That was hard, but good all the same. Thanked her (she was always a she in my mind) for her courage in making the leap to join us, for all the amazing lessons in trust and support and gratitude and letting go she taught me, told her how sorry I was that our time together got cut short, and told her it was ok for her to go home, she did such a good job, and we would be ok. Then I did a visualization of my uterus opening like a lotus flower and released her energy back to her, letting her go from my body. Felt like good and necessary steps for closure, moving forward, and reconnecting to my non-pregnant body.

Anyone else still feeling their energy is in the toilet? I'm back to working out (I teach spinning one night per week) and my heart rate still gets up there pretty easily - using my heart rate monitor helps keep it low, but I'm amazed at how my aerobic base seems totally shot. In addition to that, I feel like I'm dragging myself through the workouts without much juice other than mentally talking myself through it.

Take care everyone,
LisaG


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:

I want to be pregnant again right away, but I can't imagine when in a pregnancy I'll ever feel safe.
Unfortunatly you probably won't. It has been 3 years since my last mc, dh had a vasectomy 1 1/2years ago and I still check the tp every time I go to the bathroom.

My first mc was in Nov 99 at 9 1/2weeks, my 2nd was 4 months later at 7 1/2weeks. Between those mc's we did not take any time off. After the 2nd one dh wanted to take time off, I didn't so we compromised at 1 month. I had 2 complicated full term pregnancies after that. With Asha I was high risk due to my past mc's, I was put on restricted duties and no sex from the moment I found out I was pg until I hit 35weeks. I had an us at 11 weeks and we saw the baby(also found out I had placenta previa) and the heartbeat. I paniced because it was a different mind set now. When I had her at 40weeks I was scared because your innocence is taken away after a mc. I held back when she started crowing because my dr was not there and emotionally I needed him there jic anything went wrong.

someone asked about coping mechanisms. Take it 1 moment at a time. If all you do in a day is get out of bed it is still a good day. Talk to people, there are probably people you know who have had mc's but haven't told anyone. Do not feel guilty if one day you realize you haven't thought about the baby or that you feel happy.

For the woman who recently had a mc and is low on energy, make sure you are eating iron rich foods for 6 weeks. Pregnancy and then the blood loss will deplete your iron levels and you will lose energy, eating iron rich foods will help.


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Ravenmoon -- I'm so sorry you're joining us here. You're right -- nothing makes it easier. I hope you're doing okay today. My thoughts are with you.

LisaG -- sounds as though you've had some very healthy processing. I love your visualization. I'd have to second your "low on energy" notion. I've been doing what I can to make myself feel healthy -- doing more yoga than ever. But like you, I feel as though I'm just going through the motions. My heart isn't in it at all. Guess I'll just keep trying, though. I really dislike "not feeling like myself." It's been difficult trying to get back in my normal routine.

Carrie -- you had some helpful advice along these lines. I, too, am seeing any day that I exercise, work, or go grocery shopping as a good day. I think with my first m/c I jumped right back into a routine so quickly and was so focused on ttc again that I buried a lot of what I was feeling. Perhaps that is what is making this second m/c so difficult. I'm not ready to ttc -- so I have no choice but to process all I'm going through.

Muse, I can so relate to your ambivalence. I'm so glad you seem to be turning a corner though. Good luck on your ttc journey.

Bunches and Gonnabe -- I hope you both are doing well. (bunches, I also light a candle for my spirit babe).
Thinking of all you ladies and sending hugs and healing energy...


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Muse and Raven,

Welcome, and I'm sorry you have to be here.

Lisa G,

I am dragging. Not as much as when pregnant, but still not even vaguely productive for more than an hour at a time.

I'm mostly feeling not pregnant, except my breasts which seem to be the lasts one to get the memo.

I started the weekend the process of clearing my pregnancy/conception altar, and I want to clean it and light a candle, and do some ritual and then start a new one, but all I've managed to do is fold up the baby clothes that were on it.

I'm trying to find out what I can about recurring m/c and spent an hour in Borders today, but nothing was worth buying. Their is not a lot of good info out here. I want to go into my Drs appointment prepared on Friday, but I'll have to settle for what I can find on the web.


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## ScooterMama1 (Feb 2, 2004)

Hello there...

I am so glad to find this thread.







I found out that my baby died early in April







and then miscarried naturally at about 13 weeks on April 14th. I have been avoiding posting, on most threads, because I haven't wanted to depress everyone, and really have not felt like talking.

I miscarried the first time at 6 1/2 weeks and then it took us over a year to get pregnant again. My ds is now ~22 months and we were TTC #2. I really thought that this baby was ok. We decided not to get an us until almost 12 weeks and I knew right away that the news was bad. One thing that I did differently this time was to allow myself some time to grieve. Once we found out that the baby died, I stayed home from work and cryed lots and lots (about 2 weeks worth of crying!). I also only talked with my close friends about it... people that I knew would be supportive. Once I miscarried the baby, I started feeling quite peaceful. I am starting to feel stronger and more confident each day. I am still exhausted, but I am starting to feel like getting myself healthy and ready to carry a baby. (Up until now I have been eating lots of unhealthy food because I have been depressed.)

I am taking May off from TTC and will see where my body is in June. My ob/gyn is suggesting that I take Clomid (since that was what I used when ds was conceived). I am really torn. I would rather not take it, but I am no spring chicken (almost 35 yo). It worked once before... but it only took one month... who knows. I have some time.

Thanks again for sharing all of your stories. I read them all and was touched.

Love, Pamela


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## Velveteen (Aug 15, 2002)

I just wanted to stop by and give you all







I am really, really thinking of you all.
I suffered a miscarriage before I had my ds, and it was devastating. I didn't have a computer then, I would have loved to talk to someone about it.

I hope you all find that place of hope and healing very soon.


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Pamela







Oooh, mama, I'm so sorry... Don't ever worry about bringing the other threads down (I mean the TTC One Thread). We are there for you (and for everyone). In fact, I personally believe that sharing the burden of hurt and grief over these recent miscarriages has made us a closer, more amazing community of women! I am SO PROUD to be able to give whatever hugs or comfort I can, and I know that any of you would do the same for me, if I am ever in your position!

Take your time rejoining us in the One Thread, or come back now... we'll be here for you no matter what!

Sending you all my strongest, most supportive hugs!


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## sweetpeasmom (Nov 20, 2003)

Ravenmoon and Pamela














So sorry for your losses

Iron rich foods are good. I knew that from the beginning and started to eat them up. My energy levels are now back to normal and I feel "normal" again. I wasn't going to jump into ttc again for a few months but decided to just try again but on the relaxed side of things. I won't chart or temp or know when I O for a few months, then I'll go back to charting. Just taking some time to not stress over it or obsess over it.


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Hi Pamela,
So sorry you're joining this thread...
I can relate to a lot of what you said -- this is also my second m/c and I'm taking much more time to grieve this time than I did the first. You sound as though you're starting to feel a bit better. Please know you're in my thoughts.

You said you're taking a break from ttc in May -- do you mind me asking -- are you going to use b/c? I only ask because I am definitely NOT ready to be pregnant again but just can't bring myself to use b/c. Anyone else feel the same?

This week I'm actually starting to feel like myself, which is a huge relief. I know I'll still have bad days, but at least I know I can have some good ones too.

Hugs to everyone else on this thread...


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Kate, we used condoms the first month. I asked my ob about something more reliable, she didn't want to use an IUD as I'd had the infection after the d&c, the pill and patch were out as we knew we'd be starting again in a few months. I was concerned that condoms wouldn't be "enough" for me (as in I'd tell dh not to bother) but it did work out fine. We used the condoms for 2 cycles but only around o time, I figured if I somehow got pregnant anyway it would be meant to be. We tried hard (pardon any pun) this month but if this month didn't work, we will start next month just figuring that if we get pregnant we do if we don't we don't.


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## ScooterMama1 (Feb 2, 2004)

Hi Kate,

My ob suggested that we don't GIO (at all) until at least mid-May because of having a ~12 week natural miscarriage. It is similar to childbirth, in that your uterus opens up and needs some time to fully close. (I would bet it is similar for D&C's too. ?) There is risk of infection if something, that is not supposed to be there, gets up into the uterus. After that we will probably use condoms, but not anything more than that. Since we also chart, that will really help us know when my fertile time is. If I am not fertile, then we probably won't use condoms either...

I have decided that I don't want to use chemical birth control again. I used b/c pills for ~15 years and I wonder in the back of my mind if that has anything to do with my fertility issues... Hope you are doing well, thanks for the message.

Hope everyone else is doing well too. Hugs all around









Pamela


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Oh Pamela, I've been wondering the same thing! I too was on bc pills for 15 years (if I knew then what I know now!) and really do think that has a lot to do with my problems -- my cycles just haven't been normal since.
I had a 12 week m/c the first time (sort of -- my body actually absorbed the whole pregnancy over the next 5 weeks) and was never told not to gio. Hmmm...another culprit maybe. But who knows?????


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## ScooterMama1 (Feb 2, 2004)

Hello again Kate,

I am going to get acupuncture and will be seeing my Naturopath to help my body to be ready to carry a baby again. I did this before getting pregnant and it really helped my cycles get consistant.

The acupuncture was great for me to get ready for the baby, help the baby to stick (until 12 weeks), and then to help me miscarry. I really felt like it made a big difference. My Naturopath is someone that I can talk to about my total health and baby prep plans. She is really helping me navigate through all of the great information that I find. (I don't know about you, but if I did everything that is suggested, by my all of my heath providers and online, it would be a full time job!) She has time to talk to me (which is really helping my mental recovery), and also suggests do-able natural plans that feel "right".

After my first miscarriage, I had very random cycles and looking back I think that it might have been because I didn't take enough time off (from TTC), I didn't really grieve/recover and I didn't get any help for me (went back to work immediately, didn't really talk to friends about it, housework, etc.). So far I feel much more at peace with this miscarriage. I am not even pretending to not be crushed by my loss, but I got help and I feel so supported.

Talk to you all later!

Pamela


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Pamela Your Naturopath seems like a good sort! Glad you're getting a lot of info from her!

I wonder about the long prohibition against GIO myself. I understand the infection risk, but it seems like most of us were told widely different times to wait. (I include myself in that b.c I had a prohibition of 2 weeks after a D&C a long time ago). Shannon's ob-gyn told her ten days was probably sufficent. (And Shannon is prone to infection b/c of her RA meds).

If it's a prohibition you're comfortable with following, then great, no need to look into the options, but if you aren't happy about it, I would be willing to do some research about it for you. Just let me know, OK?


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

I'm really in the mood for a









I'm so mad at Drs. and at the situation. I'm mad because I got lame reassurances after my last m/c. I'm mad because one Dr. told me that no one takes progesterone during pregnancy during this pregnancy, and that another told me there was no information we could get from the D & C. In fact they could have done genetic analysis.

I'm mad because I got my insurance statement today, and the D &C was over $900 with supplies only costing under $50. It took about 25 minutes of the doctors time. I'm so pissed off, I want to write it off to profit motive that he suggested an in-office D&C. (My insurance did cover it I'm pissed anyway)

I'm mad because I'm having to learn medical speak to get any info about recurring m/c.

I'm mad at myself for not switching Doctors sooner and not sticking to my guns becuase I desperately wanted things to be okay.

I'm mad because I found the maternity top I'd forgotten that I bought while I was cleaning up today.









I'm mad because my nipples are all itchy and firey today, and it's the one time I can't even pretend for a minute that I might be pregnant.

Edited to add: I'm mad cause I muffed the smilies the first time and had to edit this to fix them

I think I will go have a good cry.


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gonnabeamom*
I'm really in the mood for a









...

I think I will go have a good cry.

Rant away, sister!







ing:

And change Ob-gyns immediately!

(You'll get to use that maternity top, I know it!)


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Oh Alexis









Thanks, sniff sniff


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

You're so welcome, gonnabe!

I love you guys, you know?


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Oh Gonnabe...that just sucks. I hope your rant and cry helped. $900 for 25 minutes, huh? Think I'm in the wrong profession.
If it makes you feel any better, I had to pay that for 3 ultrasounds last time (and my insurance didn't cover it). It was pretty crappy paying medical bills for months when there's no baby to show for it. Of course, why would that make you feel better -- just know that I can commiserate...
I'm curious to know about the medical jargon for recurrent m/c's. I may have to learn it myself, dammit!

Hope you're feeling better. And I second Alexis' opinion that you'll wear that maternity top. I still have a little onesie hanging in my closet from last October. I'm sure that will eventually get some use...

Love and positive energy.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Anyone who wants to know what tests are done etc for recurrent m/c, feel free to pm me and I'll send it all off to you.
If you google recurrent m/c you will get alot of information as well.
Apparently to do "much" testing on the tissues with a d&c, the baby has to have JUST died. The extensive dna testing is worth thousands and the chances of it coming back differently than the parental karotypes is only 6% and most often a fluke. Otherwise you get what I got, premature fetal tissue.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Shannon that is sooooo helpful. I'd love your resources, I think I PM'd you but I'm not fireing on all cylinders.

Kate,

In an odd way it does make me feel better. Not cause I want anyone else to have troubles, but because somehow knowing you are not alone makes it easier.

As for the medical jargon, it just seemed at first that everything was either written like this

"Recurrent m/c is devestating, and of course you want to know why, the reasons might be genetic, environmental, or anatomical. Whatever it is you'll want to ask you Dr."

or

"In the majority of subclinical cases with barsonian indicators, where the austorian score is non-parietal, non-post cariod treatment is the standard approach"

Drs appointment today that I thought was going to involve getting the results of some test was really just a post D&C exam. None of the lab results were back, nor had they really done anything to get them. Did get some clarity on what testing they had done. Lupus Antibodies. anticardiolipins. Although I forgot to ask what the implications of a positive test for either were.

The waiting room was really hard. A woman with was there with her toddler introducing him to the dr, who delivered him, and explaining that they wouldn't get to see the baby today, just hear it's hearbeat. There was an enormously pregnant woman, and it was the first time that seeing a pregnant woman made me cry. So I was still crying sitting in my drape, when the doctor came in. If DH hadn't been there I don't think we would have gotten anything accomplished.


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## ScooterMama1 (Feb 2, 2004)

Hi everyone,

I have some bad news... I just heard that my sister miscarried yesterday at about 7 weeks along. This is her 2nd miscarriage too and I am so sad. I didn't have much time to talk to her, but will call again tomorrow to give her my love and support. I just can't believe this...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexisyael*
I wonder about the long prohibition against GIO myself. I understand the infection risk, but it seems like most of us were told widely different times to wait. (I include myself in that b.c I had a prohibition of 2 weeks after a D&C a long time ago). Shannon's ob-gyn told her ten days was probably sufficent. (And Shannon is prone to infection b/c of her RA meds).

If it's a prohibition you're comfortable with following, then great, no need to look into the options, but if you aren't happy about it, I would be willing to do some research about it for you. Just let me know, OK?










Thanks for the offer Alexis, but I think that I will just wait it out. I am feeling like taking a break might be good for me mentally, although 2 more weeks is a long time.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *gonnabeamom*
I'm mad because my nipples are all itchy and firey today, and it's the one time I can't even pretend for a minute that I might be pregnant.

Hugs to you gonnabeamom...







s I get quite angry at times too. Especially around this one. I regularly think, "oh... it is that pregnancy feeling in my breasts" and then get sad. I also gained about 10 lbs while I was pregnant and am loosing it very slowly. Now I just feel fat. Blah!


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Hi there,
I don't have the research I did on me right now, but I do have a list of the blood tests that were done.
This is it.
Lupus Anticoagulant
Anti-cardiolipin
Factor V Leidin
Carotene
Anti Paternal Lymphocyte Cytotoxic AB
Total and free testosterone
HTLV 1 & 2
Lipid Profile HDL Ratio
HAV
HBsAg
HB core Antibody
HCV
HBA1C
Protein C/Protein S

The doctor who ordered these tests is considered a world authority on recurrent m/c. His name is Dr. Salim Daya
I can post later with some of the web sites that I and my doc got information from.


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## ScooterMama1 (Feb 2, 2004)

Thanks for the list Shannon. I was wondering about what if anything I should get tested. My OB and ND's opinions are that I don't need much/any testing since during my 1st miscarriage my baby was ~6 1/2 weeks old, during my 2nd miscarriage my baby was almost 10 weeks old, and my ds was born in between.

We used Clomid for one month when concieving him... I wonder if my body can sustain a pregnancy without Clomid or progesterone... My OB says that there is no way to tell. Hummm...

Pamela


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

I wasn't on the ttc list, mostly because we weren't planning on ttc for another month, but I guess I'm here now.

I feel so yucky right now. I'm still bleeding at the moment. I didn't lose anywhere near as much this time as I did the first time, but I feel way worse. I think that's partially because I'm feeling a lot more upset this time, like I'll never have another baby. Of course, part of me is thinking I should just give up on even trying, that the c-section must have mangled my uterus so that it can't carry another child. The other part wants to try right away this time. After all, 6 months between didn't make any difference, maybe right away will do it.

I'm also a lot more stressed right now than I was last time. We just moved, we're living entirely on student loans, mine, and I'm almost 4 months behind on my school work. Needless to say, I don't exactly feel like doing any right now! And to top everything off, we all have colds and my ds isn't sleeping more than 7 hours at night, and that usually with enough restlessness that I have to wake up to settle him back down, so I'm dealing with hormones, exhaustion and stress.

I haven't decided whether I should go to a doctor or not. I prefer to avoid them if I can, I didn't go last time, but I can't shake this feeling that I'm still pregnant, that there was more than one baby. I don't feel like I'm still pregnant, I've stopped getting up to pee 50 times a day and my breasts aren't growing anymore, but I just can't get rid of the thought. I don't even know if there's anything they can do, I don't think any dr's up here have ultrasound in their office, who knows how long I'd have to wait to get an appointment for one. I just don't know what's the best choice. I really don't feel like making even this choice right now.

And I'm being a lousy mother at the moment, or at least I feel I am. I'm not paying ds enough attention, especially since he's feeling so yucky, and I'm getting angry way too easily. I just wish that I could go hibernate for a few days and be totally alone to cry and yell and whatever else I need to do, but ds won't even let me get some extra sleep without freaking out. I know he doesn't understand that mommy feels really yucky and sad, but I find myself feeling resentful of his needing me, instead of grateful that I at least have one healthy child.


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## LisaG (Feb 23, 2003)

Lisa-Marie,

Many, many







s to you. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through another m/c, and that life is so stressful.

I wish I had some other magical advice to give you besides breathe, take it easy, and be gentle with yourself.

Know that I'm thinking of you and sending you comfort.

LisaG


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## ScooterMama1 (Feb 2, 2004)

Lisa-Marie...

I am so sorry to hear your news. I will keep you in my thoughts. Hugs to you!







s

Pamela


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Lisa-Marie









You'll make the right decision for you about what to do -- give yourself plenty of time and space to grieve. Being there for your son is important, but mommies need time to recharge in order to be able to give, KWIM? You're not going to feel this awful forever. Let yourself feel what you're feeling now. Do what you need to do.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Lisa Marie,

I am sorry. That sucks.

Listen to these very wise women, and know that your are not a bad mother or person for needed help and time to greive.

I don't know how difficult it is for you to get to a dr. Other than u/s you can also have a HCG test done and what your levels do will tell you something. I'm taking it that you don't have some sort of student medical services to go to? You can also use pregnancy clinics for these tests. Many of them are willing to help out, and as happy to help out women who want to be pregnant as those that don't. I found the doctor consult helpful in giving me a sense of reality that was missing before I saw them. It didn't completely make the "There's some horrible mistake, I'm actually still pregnant" thoughts go away, but it did give me something concrete to counter them with. My last m/c I went through the same thing of believing I still I had one baby, so the thought is very normal, but is also does happen, and I think would be worth checking out for your peice of mind.


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

Thanks for the kind messages. I'm going to try to figure out some way to see a doctor, I called a couple today (more for my ds than me, he hurt his foot and can't put any weight on it ) and no one seems to be taking new patients. Guess I'll have to keep hunting. I'm still bleeding a bit, which is very disturbing, since today was day 10.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Lisa-Marie,

After my first m/c I bled for a long time. No one was concerned until I past I think day 15 or so. Even then my doctor wasn't alarmed. I eventually had a D&C after around 20 days, because I couldn't hack it anymore.

You can drink camomile or nettle teas to help the bleeding resolve itself, but I wouldn't be concerned unless you are having other problems.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

Hi everyone,
like all of you I've been having lots of good & bad days. I m/c naturally at home beginning 11 days ago, and was really grateful that my body was able to give me that gift. Physically I'm feeling much better right now. Much more like myself, which is also great. I've even started biking again, something I really enjoy...

BUT...I still feel at a very fundamental level that a)I will never be able to have a baby b) I can't find any meaning in my life without that possibility, any value to myself ...everything else feels like going through the motions.

Why is today an especially bad day? I ran into someone I hadn't told yet about the m/c, as I haven't seen her in the last 3 weeks. She was excited to see me & told me that I was starting to show...so I had to tell her...

And then I got an e-mail from an old & dear friend. His wife had a m/c last summer, a few months before we did...and now they are pg again...2.5 months along, he says. Why can't I feel any happiness for them? I can't feel excited, I can't feel grateful. All I can feel is why isn't it me...it's not fair...

thanks for listening, wonderful women, sorry I don't have more to give right to all of you right now.


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Jesse, I'm happy to see you posting again (I find it can be a form of release.)
I'm so sorry you're having a tough time today. I know exactly what you mean by just "going through the motions." I think that's all you can do until you start to feel better -- kinda like faking it 'til you make it.

Don't be sorry about not having more to give. Now is not your time to give, it's your time to take, take, take. We're all still in "survival mode" right now -- and we need to be gentle with ourselves.

I think your bike riding is good. I know that my yoga has helped me tremendously -- though it definitely hasn't "cured" me. Nothing would cure me except my very own baby. Here's some cyber-hugs









Lisa-Marie, I hope you're feeling better today. You know I bled for 12 days my first m/c -- and then for 14 days 6 weeks later! Everyone's body adjusts in a different way.

Love to all you mamas...


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Jesse









Lisa-Marie -- any news? Were you able to see someone?

Gonnabe, I hope you're doing OK -- can't remember whether I gave you a hug in the one thread or not...


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Jesse, I know that feeling of what meaning does my life have if i can't have a child. It does fade, I still get it now and then but I know that in the second and third week after my last m/c that thought was at the forefront of my mind. It will gradually fade, until one day you will be able to look at a big pregnant belly and smile--I think that's when you know you're ready to start moving on.







to everyone
btw, this was not our month :- all round


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Jesse

I know I have other things to do with my life besides a child, but I also know that I was made to this-to love and raise a child. It took me a while to come to that, and now not to be able to use it is so hard.








Shannon,

I am sorry this isn't your month. I hope with you that the next one will be.

As for me, I finally finished cleaning my baby altar. I smudged it and put a healing candle on it to burn. When it's done burning, I'll start rebuilding my altar. I feel like this moving forward for me, I've felt so stuck.

I've picked up my knitting again. I'm almost finished with my first sweater for my little one.

Maybe on Monday I will find the strength to call some new Doctors. My current Dr. still hasn't respond to my call on Wednesday about whether my test results are in.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

So Does anyone else remember having hormonal weirdness after m/c before their period?

All my pregnancy symptoms stopped within a week of my D&C. Now a couple of weeks later, I'm having the same breast tenderness and other symptoms I had in early pregnancy. Anybody esle go through this?


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

So Does anyone else remember having hormonal weirdness after m/c before their period?

All my pregnancy symptoms stopped within a week of my D&C. Now a couple of weeks later, I'm having the same breast tenderness and other symptoms I had in early pregnancy. Anybody esle go through this?


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## Maple Leaf (Apr 10, 2004)

I'm sure I'm having hormonal upheaval as well as other upheavals of all sorts! I has been 5 days since our baby died. I think I passed the last bit of tissue today. I opted to not have a D&C, since our u/s was on Friday and I was in shock. It was a good decision for us. We were able to see our Bean and see why he died. He wasn't complete for what an 8 week baby should be. We are going to bury him in a flower pot and plant flowers on top. I was too leary of planting him in the ground, in case we ever moved.

DH is on a business trip and that is so hard for both of us. My parents are staying with me to help around the house and with Julia. I would love to be alone, but I'm a little afraid of my own thoughts right now. So it's good to have a little distraction these days.

Today, I went to the grocery store with my parents and Julia. She started crying and I thought I would lose it. I feel on the verge on losing it all the time. Plus my body just aches and is so exhausted. My bbs even started to hurt, which just pissed me off. it's like a betrayal. My little pregnant bulge that just started is still there and that is a betrayal as well.








to all you Mamas!


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)




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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Mimi, know that everything you are feeling is normal and does get better with time, often it gets better then worse again. There will come a time that you can look at a big pregnant belly and smile rather than cry.
Talk about it (here if nowhere else) and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel (even the scary feelings)








Shannon


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## Maple Leaf (Apr 10, 2004)

For those of you practicing yoga, how soon after your m/c did you get back into it? I've been in a class for about 1 year. I told my teacher that I had no idea when I'd be back, probably a few weeks from now.

Also, I can't read the "I'm Pregnant" posts anymore. I get so upset, angry and mostly very jealous. I have no desire to congradulate them, when I use to jump at the chance! I'm not mean spirited and have heart full of love, so all this just freaks me out.
Has anyone lese been through this? Am I a freak? Maybe it's just normal since it hasn't been a week since our baby died.

In some ways I'm looking forward to TTCing again, but in others I'm not. It scares me. But I think Bean would want us to try again for his sake.

Anyway, Have a great night All!


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Hi Mimi, I'm so sorry for your your loss. This is definitely the right place to be for support.

I started doing yoga again just a week later. It was difficult to get motivated, but I knew it would help me heal -- and it did. I bled for about a week (didn't do it until I stopped bleeding). Now I rely on it for continued healing.

I stopped reading the "I'm Pregant" threads right away. Of course you're not mean-spirited, you're grieving. I'm sure everyone here can relate -- I know I can. I haven't been back to those boards since. It's not that I'm not happy for them, it's just that I'm so sad for myself.

After my first m/c, I was very anxious to ttc again. I was frustrated it took 5 months, though in retrospect it's not that long. This time I'm just going to wait it out and see what happens. I've decided to give up control -- scary and freeing all at the same time.

Take as much time as you need -- and know that we're here for you.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

You know Mimi, I still used to stalk the I'm pregnant thread, then they started talking about showing and taking belly pics, I could not deal with it then and really haven't been back since, to be honest, I don't know that I'll be able to go back when I do get pregnant. Not anything against anyone there, but I miscarried, everyone said sorry and then I was never mentioned again, but I was instantly welcomed back to the TTC boards and they never forgot about me, I don't know that I will be able to move away from the support of the TTC threads until at least 3 months along. It's all so confusing, even now, during the last 2ww, shortly after ovulation, I panicked and suddenly wanted to change my mind, but that didn't last long and of course I was devastated when AF showed on mothers day and just before my first due date.
I think if I've learned anything through this process it's that you don't HAVE to get "over it" You're not supposed to, not any more than if you had a child or sibling or parent die, just that not alot of people understand it that way.
I used to councel people who lost their pets and it's funny, the points I tried to get across to them apply here. You loved him, he was your friend, he never judged you, but it was a private relationship, a special one and most people don't recognize what it meant to you.
Mimi, just know that you can always come here!


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Mimi, I think waiting til the bleeding is past is good, and then you can rejoin your yoga class whenever you feel is right. Yoga helps me a lot, but I do it at home (though I need to find a class...)

And I ditto everything Shannon said and reiterate her point - not only do people not understand the private feelings of love and grief you're feeling, not everyone really even *understands* how to express their sorrow and sympathy/ empathy. It's the same when a loved one dies -- some friends (Shannon







) are good at understanding and expressing their support, other friends mean well, but just don't quite get the whole process.

My heart goes out to you, and to Shannon (hard day today, and I'm so sorry I couldn't be on-line for you!)

I also harbor hope that one day all us TTC buddies will graduate at the exact same time, and then we'll have our own extremely supportive pregnancy board!







:


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## Maple Leaf (Apr 10, 2004)

It's so nice to share all this with fellow Canadians! I grew up in Montreal. I left in 1998!

How can I help DH? He is on a business trip and it seems that everyone is asking "So when's the second one coming?". I know that it is VERY hard on him to constantly hear that. I'm almost ready to say "We've had our second and he's in Heaven." That'll shut 'em up, so to speak.

On Mother's Day, at our golf club, one of the ladies said to DD "so when's your Mommy going to give you a baby brother?" I thougt I was going to die! Right after that, I passed some of Bean. It was so horrible.

Are there any books that you have found helpful in dealing with the loss? I've seen a few out there.

Lots of







to All!


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

Mimi: I can totally relate to your feelings of frustration and bitterness--and that's just not something that's normally part of my personal philosophy at all, I'm usually positive and supportive to a fault. But right now I find myself so frustrated with women who can get pg easily, and I'm even paranoid sometimes when I see friends that they're pg and just haven't told me!
A bit of a ramble about myself...but all that just to say that you are totally normal!

Shannon-I hear you about the I'm pg threads, though I met some really nice folks who provided some support (and I was lucky enough to have Kate on my thread!) but it's just not the same as the TTC gang & I really missed them/you.

Btw TTCers w/losses, I had a good chat with a naturopath who's a friend of my moms last night & she was telling me that recurrent m/c for many women can be linked to estrogen dominance & lack of progesterone. Not that she is 100% right, nor does that apply to any/all of us here...but it's just another piece of info for the big







mystery that is TTC and m/c.

Love to all of you,
Jesse


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Personally, if someone said that to my child, I really would have thrown it in their face: "When's mommy going to give you a little brother or sister?" "Well, since I'm in the middle of a bloody miscarriage right now, I'm guestimating it'll be another couple of months, thanks for asking."

Or some such. I can't stand people like that and I really have no problem offending their sensibilities. And it would be a perfect steam release for me, too.

A more polite way of doing that would be just to give her the evil eye (I am the Queen of that, too.)

My methods wouldn't work for everyone (cause not everyone is as brash as I am) but maybe just thinking about it can give you a little bit of a lift.
















to you all!

(PS I'm a US ex-pat living in TO, actually. So not quite Canadian







Mostly Californian, actually...)


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## Maple Leaf (Apr 10, 2004)

Alexis, that makes us even. I'm an ex-pat Canadian!

I would have loved to be rude to that lady, but she is generally a very sweet person. I'm sure if she knew that I was miscarrying at that moment, she wouldn't of said that.

I am so exhasuted today. I'm waiting for Julia to fall asleep, so I can go nap. I enjoy listening to her wid down in her crib. She has her music on and is quietly chatting. She gives me hope and strength. If we created her, we can create another one!


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Even the sweetest people have their rude moments -- I am not vindictive about people who say rude things, I just remind them (by my brashness) how rude that comment was. Cause like I said before, a lot of people just really have no clue. So I figure I'm enough of a loud-mouth to be the one to give them a clue!

This is me:







Ms. Foot-in-mouth (I am a sagittarius, and I am always saying exactly what I'm thinking, even when I shouldn't! Everyone who knows me just expects that of me now...)

Glad you're finding hope in your precious one! And I hope you get your nap soon!


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Alexis, the foot and mouth disease is likely more from your ADD than your sign








I once said (at a chamber of commerce gala no less) to a very prudish woman, after she was listening to the music and said that Bob Segar's 'We've got tonight' held such special meaning for her, I piped up with "Yeah that song has special meaning to anyone who's ever used sex to keep a man!) My good friend (who is also horribly ADD) was standing behind me and spit wine onto my back in the process of laughing!!


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

true dat, Shannon, but I swear most Sag's have ADD, so it isn't that far off base









Good story! :LOL


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## Maple Leaf (Apr 10, 2004)

Hi Mamas!

Just wanted to let you know that I think I'm starting to feel better. Physically, I feel so much better. Bleeding is almost done and I'm hungry again. Emotionally, I'm healing too. It's been a week since we saw Bean on the U/S. Kind of still feels like a dream.
My parents left today, so things are quiet again. Although, now I have to feed myself. It was so nice to have thme here to help cook and take care of Julia when I didn't have the energy.

So thats it. I hope you are all well. Thank you for your awesome support. You don't know how much it helped and will continue to help. Well, I guess you do know how it feels.








to all of ya!


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I just wanted to let you ladies know that I've read this thread and I'm sending all of you healing vibes. Take care of yourselves









By the way-

Quote:

I'm even paranoid sometimes when I see friends that they're pg and just haven't told me!
I have this problem too...I have to stop myself from obviously staring at people's middle sections.


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Hi Everyone, I've been away for a few days.

Jesse -- it's good to see you.

I feel the same as all of you do about the ttc thread -- the support there is unmatched.

Mimi -- books my midwife lent me that I found very helpful: "Ended Beginnings" by Claudia Panuthos and Catherine Romeo, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah L. Davis. I also bought "Our Stories of Miscarriage," which is a compilation of essays written by women who've all been there.

These all made me feel better while normalizing and validating my feelings. I think reading them within the first week or two is good. If I read them now, it just brings back up all the hurt and pain -- and that's definitley something I don't want refreshed!

Hope everyone is doing well and finding peace.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Damn I was having a perfectly nice evening tonight, when we came out of the restaurant, and there was a woman talking on a payphone. I don't even know why I noticed her, but when I looked back again, she was holding a tiny child, in pajamas, on a payphone in front of a bar at 10:30. She was arguing with someone about whether she had to tell them every time she left.

So 1) I don't know anything about her really 2) what I do know doesn't suggest she is having an easy time of it.

And I was incredibly, horrible painfully jealous. I just want to hold my child like that, have it fall completely asleep clutching me.


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Gonnabe


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Oh Gonnabe







I can so relate! I think I'm doing fine -- and then I see a baby and my heart cries. Someday soon we'll have our babies too -- I just know it...


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

Oh Gonnabe









I completely relate. Our dear friend had a beautiful little red-haired girl on Fri, and she had gotten pg so that we would be giving birth together right now. I was happy for her of course...but I just broke down and sobbed on hearing the news--I want my own baby! (i even want a girl with red hair







)

Big hugs to you...


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

Well, I finally got some answers. When I first went to the doctor, he did a urine test which came back positive at over 2 weeks after I started bleeding. So, he wanted me to go to the lab and get HcG tests done. Finally got the results yesterday. I tried several times before, but for some reason they wouldn't give them to me over the phone, so I went in yesterday. The first one was 200, the second was 6, a week later. So, I guess it was just my imagination that I was still pregnant.









I'm still bleeding occasionally, which is really weird and very different from the first miscarriage. I did some cleaning and trying to organize the dining room (we moved 2 months ago to a much smaller place and we're having touble finding room for everything) and bled for a week. I'm thinking it may have been a really early period, though, since it was around CD 24. Then on Monday, I did a bunch of dishes and the floors, and bled for a couple of hours.

I just want it over with. For me, the recurrant reminder is almost worse than the initial miscarriage, maybe because I never what's going to start the bleeding again and every time it starts, I get an obvious, and annoying reminder, of what's happened.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Lisa-Marie, I know how you feel, I said that to my OB about 3 weeks in, that just as I started feeling a little better, I'd see some blood, just to remind me that I wasn't pregnant anymore. It does end though and it will get better. Hang in there.


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Lisa-Marie


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Hi ladies. I don't know if I have posted here yet, but I know most of you, so you know my story. For those who don't, I found out 2 weeks ago tomorrow that my baby, after seeing a heartbest just 2 weeks prior, had died. I was 11 1/2 weeks pg when I had the m/c.

Warning: very frank and disturbing images coming.

My new feelings are of guilt. Guilt for not taking my baby out of the toilet, for not taking a look and for flushing the toilet with my baby in it. In the days waiting for it all to happen, I thought I would want to bury him in the backyard so that I would know where he was and feel he was taken care of. When the time came though I feel as if I chickened out. I got squeamish. I had done other bodyly functions in there and I just couldn't figure out how to accomplish getting him out. I sat there knowing I had to make a decision and I took a deep breath and flushed. I was so excited that I didn't have to get the D&C scheduled for later that day that I never felt remorse at the time, but I am feeling it fully. Part of the reason I didn't want the D&C was because I was afraid my baby would be put in a trashcan. And then I did this. I don't know what to do with these feelings or how to get through them. I just keep going for walks and hope I'll find an answer that way.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Keri, you flushed flesh, your baby was already gone. It was no longer him. He was already with Oreo, safe and sound.
I think that's why you saw the cat that looked like Oreo, it was their way of telling you everything was fine with them.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Shannon, thanks so much. I try to remind myself of that, but lately I just can't seem to get that through to myself.

I have to say that what touched me most about your post is that you remembered my cat's name. My own sister can't do that. You are a really wonderful and thoughtful person and I am lucky to have "met" you.


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Keri









I've never had to go through something that heartwrenching, so I can't give you anything more than my sincerest and deepest felt love and affection -- I am SO very sorry for what you've had to go through.

I can say that I understand. Flesh, while not the *whole* of us, is still sacred, and I can understand the impetus to want to bury your baby under a tree, on your own ground. However, as Shannon reminded you, your baby will always be with you in spirit, and nothing can take that away from you.


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## Ivarson (Aug 28, 2002)

Just had a D&C yesterday afternoon at 9 weeks pregnant. U/S showed the baby at 6.5 weeks with no heartbeat. I can't wait to start trying again, but I am scared....like it will happen again since it happened once. How do you get over that, how do you become less anxious? I am so sad, but also relieved that I didn't find out much later, or have a baby that has a lot of problems. I know most miscarriages happen because there is a problem, but that still doesn't make it easier. Ugh! I am on such an emotional roller coaster.


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Leslie --







I am so sorry you lost your baby. You're in very good company here. I know exactly what you mean -- after my first m/c I was very anxious to start trying again. We've all heard the stories of women that got pregnant very soon after a m/c. Perhaps that will be you and your baby will stay this time. Treat yourself gently and allow yourself to mourn your baby.

I hope I can offer some unsolicited advice (ignore it if you don't want it) -- but do take the time to get over this loss. Plant a flower in rememberance of your baby or do something else commemorative. I don't think I recognized my first loss enough because I was so eager to replace the baby I lost.
Someone wise told me "you have to feel the pain to get through the pain," and I found that very true.

I hope you are surrounded by love and support. My thoughts are with you...


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Keri and Lisa-Marie







I hope you're both doing better...


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Leslie







I know it won't make it any easier, but know that this is a safe space to talk through your feelings, no matter how rough it gets...

And I second what Kate said... she is a wise-woman, indeed!


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## Ivarson (Aug 28, 2002)

Thanks to you all. I do need a place to talk - I have my husband and my mom, but they're not with me all that much - hubby works every day and my mom is in town now, but lives in South Dakota. I am concentrating on diet and exercise now, to get my mind off of it, but I know I still have to mourn (and I am). I think I may write a little story about it, I wish I was more of a gardener but I'm really not!







So, are you guys trying again soon?


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## tarablesue (Sep 23, 2002)

Hello everyone-

I am sorry I missed this thread when you started it Kate. Thank you though....

Most of you know what hapened with me, I got pregnent in March and just 1 week after confirming the pregnanacy I m/c on 4/14, it was painful, physically and so much more emotionally. We are healing though, slowly .

I am ready to be pregnat again, hoping that things will go smoothily next time around.


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## hollyhobbie (Jun 13, 2002)

ok, feeling a wave of sadness now. don't think i can write it all down at the moment.

my heart goes out to you coleslaw. i thought that my baby came out at the hospital when i got checked out but i passed it out the next day at home. i was so scared to stick my hand in the toilet but i was panicked too so i did. i was soooo lucky that my midwife came a few minutes later to help me and check it out. i dunno what i would have done otherwise. i knew i couldnt bury it b/c the cat next door would dig it up i am sure. but, ya know i wasnt thinking straight so please be gentle with yourself. my midwife ended up taking the baby away in a ziplock bag to be disposed of at the hospital in the incinerator with the placentas. now this aint ideal either but i was freakin out so i was glad she could do that atleast. a little bit later i passed the tiny placenta and then i felt calm and ok. i flushed that with no guilt.

i am going to buy a nice plant for the garden. i worry that it will die b/c i am not a great gardener. life and death. really hits home about the cycle, huh. ok, maybe i am a bit too raw so forgive me if i am a bit all over the map. thanks for listening.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Leslie and Hollyhobbie, I'm soo sorry.
Leslie, I will second what Kate told you. I think this last m/c was the first one I actually took the time to properly grieve and it's important (I may have been the wise woman who told Kate you have to feel the pain to get through it)
Please talk and share. there is another thread for remembering our babies, it's been stickied, but you can write your story there and say a little something to your babies.
Lean on us, that's what we're here for, we've all been there and do understand.


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

hollyhobbie









BTW, a tip from a non-green thumb gardener... the more plants you have, the less likely you will be to kill them (b/c you think about them more, and tend to them more, since there are many). At least, that has been my experience.

A tree (if you have space -- a minature maple leaf is also very nice) is an easier, longer living memorial as well... we had a mini lemon tree in our backyard in Southern CA, and it flurished, even with my sporadic care...

Another idea, gleaned from Extreme Makeover home edition, is to put a tiny plaque under the tree somewhere... my idea would be to find a beautiful rock and write the name of your baby (or "angel baby" if you don't have a name) on the rock and place it under the tree (perhaps amongst other rocks -- they make good mulch, and that keeps the moisture in longer = less watering!)

HTH even the tiniest little bit. My heart goes out to you all....


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Hollyhobbie, what we did (only just got everything confirmed) was we donated a park bench at our local park that we hike at alot. The bench will be very isolated, half way in on a 10km hike and the conservation authority said that if we bought the bench they would plant a small wildflower and rock garden around it. We will put a small plaque on it in memory of the 3 babies and our pup Tunza who left us days after our first miscarriage to take care of our baby.


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Hollyhobbie. Be very gentle and loving to yourself.








Shannon -- that is beautiful...


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Shannon, what a beautiful idea. I think I will look into doing something similar.

hollyhobbie, My thoughts are with you.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Wow..all such great ideas and thoughts...
I have tore out part of my yard and replanted it since Grace died. We have a beautiful bench that was carved from stone...on it is Gracie's name and birth date. We live on a private drive, two other homes sit on the acreage. So both our neighbors see this area everytime they arrive or leave their homes. May have mentioned how beautiful it is...I realized how important it has been to me for others to comment on how lovely it is for them to see the bench and the garden surrounding it. It bring much happiness to me.
We live in a rather wooded area...lots of native growth...ferns, hostas...etc... so with the shade I have been able to have lots of plants that survive year after year...a few color spots here and there. It truly it a breathtaking site. I am gratful for this. Each day I tend to something in her garden.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

Jackie, that is beautiful...

memorial thoughts...we planted a rosebush in the corner of our garden at our new house...no plaque or anything yet....that may come...but I know when the first little bud appeared it was a beautiful, moving thing for both of us.

Leslie and hollyhobbie I don't think I've yet given you a









on another note, venting.... I've had a couple of RL friends say REALLY dumb things to me in the last few weeks, and I really need to get these off my chest. Both are close friends, who are normally fairly sensitive people and I care about them and I imagine they just didn't know what to say.

-friend 1--well at least the 2nd m/c must be easier...

-friend 2-- least it's easier for you than it is for my brother & his wife...they already have kids so they know what they're missing
(NOTE: I don't meant to imply that it is easier/harder for anyone, just that the comparison is dumb!)








:









thank you, I feel much better now! I'm not very good at confrontation IRL and I don't see friend 1 often enough to really make a diff.


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Jesse - those two statements might go down in history as the dumbest statements EVER!

which reminds me... that sounds like a good diversion thread over in TTC right now -- dumb things people have said to you. Join me?


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## Ivarson (Aug 28, 2002)

Anyone out there so afraid to try again? I want to so bad but I fear that I will have another m/c. They say you don't have any more of a chance of having one the second time as you did the first, but I'm still anxious. I just want to get over that fear, because odds are the next time will be just fine. I can't wait for my period to come so we can try again....5 days since the D&C and still bleeding a little. I get so sad sometimes its hard for me to breathe. I have to stop thinking it was something I "did" - I had a little wine a couple times while pregnant and that was it. I just can't blame myself.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Leslie, you're right, you can't blame yourself, but it's normal to do so, as it's normal to hunt obcessively for reasons even when there often aren't any.
I'm pregnant again now and yeah, I'm terrified!! although, I'll be honest, I don't think I'm as scared this time as I was last time. Maybe just because I have so much medical intervention that I don't have time, maybe because I'm happy with my treatment protocal. I'm gonna be honest here, I know this isn't right for everyone, but I'm glad we waited this time before trying again. I'm glad I allowed myself the time to deal with and feel what I needed to feel. I'm glad I waited until I could once again see a pregnant woman or an infant without feeling I would start crying.
I know that feeling of not being able to breath and sometimes just not wanting to breathe, but it does get better, slowly but surely. Keep talking about it and sharing your feelings.


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## Ivarson (Aug 28, 2002)

Thanks Shannon. So you had three and now you're pregnant again? Congrats! I have a feeling this one will be perfect. What are they doing for you medically now? Having hcG checked a lot? Any meds? Just curious.
My son is watching Dumbo now and I just started crying. It is a hard time. I know it will get better, but I'm anxious to try again. I can't wait for my period so we can do just that.
I am so healthy so I thought this would never happen. Now I know it has nothing to do with health. Just nature...sometimes it is cruel.

Also, how long does it take to not look pregnant anymore? I'm 10 pounds up, my breasts are huge and my stomach looks pg still.


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## hollyhobbie (Jun 13, 2002)

ivarson, i feel the same way about "when is my period gonna come"!!?? that said i am still spotting/bleeding myself. i am trying to be calm and tell myself well it gives me a chance to get some dental work done etc oh yeah and my hair coloured but then i think uh oh, what if i do that then i will be more paranoid next time. i am healthy too but given my age - 38 - i felt a little more prepared for the possibility of a miscarriage.

i feel very down and sad today. cried alot and napped with my other baby. i made a rash purchase on ebay. an old 1900s art nouveau brooch with an amber stone. spent more than i meant to. but i kinda feel like it will be a nice memento. i just want it to be over now so i can carry on. i mean the physical stuff. i know the emotional stuff will last much longer. i am trying hard to make space for grieving. i think i will ask my neighbour to care for my dtr next week so i can go sit by the ocean and bawl my head off. i did this when my g/ma was dying and i felt better.


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