# Do you tell your pediatrician you co-sleep?



## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

Okay, to kind of expand on the other thread about not telling people you cosleep...do you tell your pediatrician? I'm on the hunt for a new one who doesn't quite toe the AAP line so strictly, but I'm starting to get the impression that they will all be the same when it comes to topics attachment parenting. I thought things had changed, and she's so kind, but I was really surprised to see her look so visibly disapproving when I said in the beginning that he sleeps with us sometimes. Now he sleeps with us all the time and I just don't bring it up. When she talks about sleeping in his crib and how I might have to let him cry it out if I want him to sleep all night, I just kinda nod. I thought this arrangement was fine by me since she's a doctor and not our parenting coach, but it's beginning to irritate me that I can't more comfortably and openly talk about stuff like this with her if I have a question pertaining to it.

Does your pediatrician know you co-sleep? Do they seem to approve?


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## MelMel (Nov 9, 2002)

it never really became an issue. he probably knows, but gave up on us after her 4 month visit :LOL

we just went to her 1 year visit, and he asked how she was sleeping, and i said 'great, we didnt get up till 11am today, and almost missed this appointment!' he didnt even blink, said good and moved on to more nosey questions.

if i have questions about that kinda stuff, i come here or ask one of the wise women at LLL.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

Her new one didn't ask. Her old one definetly knew and didn't care.


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## Jude's Mama (Nov 30, 2002)

We use to avoid the subject but, our ped figured it out.:LOL She is very supportive. I was very surprised being that most of the people are " mainstream. " We are moving soon to a new home and our ped will be an hour away but, we are going to keep her that's how KEWL she is!









Michelle


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## natashaccat (Apr 4, 2003)

Nope won't repeat that mistake, I'm now all about don't ask don't tell with peds and staff when it comes to parenting issues...


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

Are you getting a pediatrition for parenting advice or medical advice?


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Ours knows, doesn't say anything about it since the initial raised-eyebrows response. We have a nurse practitioner with the same practice we use also, she seems more "naturally" inclined, but also doesn't comment about it after her initial double-take.

Then again, we've never discussed sleep issues with them. I have a feeling that if we had, they would have been blunt about their opinions.


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## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

i stopped telling the peds we cosleep after a very long unsolicited lecture on how bad it is to let your child sleep with you and for never practicing cry it out. ironically i had just been reading an article in their waiting room on the wonderful benefits of cosleeping. but i'm one of those sheeps who thinks of the great things to say ten minutes after i leave types unfortunately. i'm getting much better though.

anyhow, nope i don't tell them.

and now i realize too that it's honestly nobody's business where and how our family sleeps.

i give peds credit for knowing things about parts of the body that i don't, but not for having superior parenting skills. it's a shame they don't better represent.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Nope - my dd's ped doesn't know. I don't go to her for advice on where she should sleep, I go to her for advice regarding dd's health.


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## MamaOui (Aug 9, 2002)

Yes. My ped co-slept with her kids, so she is supportive. Although the only time it really came up is when I was having issues with ds#2 being colicky and how to facilitate me getting more rest.


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## Selissa (Jun 15, 2003)

my new ped knows and doesn't care. My old ped knew and had an official anti-co-sleeping position. I always asked why and they said, rather vaugely, that "it would be bad later on"







:
then at his 4 mth appointment we had a horrible experience topped off by a a wretched nurse YELLING at me for co-sleeping. then in the packet of parenting misinformation they handed me i got the real answer to why it's "bad" to co-sleep....because it's inconvienent for the parent to have to respond to it's childs needs. they went on to specify that a newborn could sleep in a basinet or crib in the parents room but should not get used to sleeping with someone. and the child should definatly be in their own rooms by 3 months because if they can see their parents they will expect them to comfort them/respond to their cries at night







of all the stupid reasons....i understand that co-sleeping doesn't work for every family. but shouldn't I be the one to decide what is "inconvienent" for my family? grrrrrrrr....

i never went back there after that appointment.


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## DaryLLL (Aug 12, 2002)

I do not think dr's should be telling patients to let babies CIO or sleep in cribs, as both these behaviors are bad for baby's health! Sadly dr's do not read the research. Peds are trained to look for diseases and give out drugs or rec procedures and vaccines. They are not trained in how to facilitate wellness.

Unless you go to a homeopath, a naturopath, a chiropractor or someone like that.


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## MamaOui (Aug 9, 2002)

ITA DaryLLL. Here's the thing. Although my ped co-slept, the practice that she belongs to gives hand outs on infant/baby sleep that advocates CIO and crib sleeping. Disturbing and ridiculous, as far as I am concerned.

Edited to add: Not to mention that that kind of advice could really affect a nursing relationship in a negative way.


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## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

I think part of the problem is that she tries to be personal and friendly and offer guidance. She'll say stuff like, "next time we'll talk about starting on solid foods" and stuff like that. So in this manner the sleeping questions might come up because she'll ask if he is sleeping through the night and how many times he is waking to nurse. But I'm not stupid and can read, and we couldn't possibly learn enough in one visit, so I really don't expect to "learn" from her, but she brings it up.

Also, while I said I don't think of her as a parenting coach, at times I have medical questions and have come to realize that I don't really trust her judgment, considering her old-time approach to everything. (for example, her recommendation of a flu shot is medically based, yet I realized I don't even trust her recommendation considering her other approaches.)

I tried the nurse practitioner once. She was mean as hell. I've since asked my midwife, and I think I'll try the male doctor who I hear is a little more accepting. It's nice to know that some doctors out there don't care or don't ask or even support it. Thanks for the replies. I think I"d rather switch than do a don't ask, don't tell kind of thing, though I certainly get that! I guess I'd like to sometimes ask general questions, not as a rule but because she sees so many parents. I don't know many parents of babies in real life.


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## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

I agree MamaOui, I think peds are expected to stick to the AAP guidelines, no matter what they do at home. Although hollering and lecturing like Selissa described is so uncalled for. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with that.


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## MidnightCafe (Oct 27, 2003)

Here's how one of our ped visits went:

Ped: How is she sleeping at night?

Me: Like a baby!









Ped: *laugh* Does she sleep through the night?

Me: No, but she sleeps with me. So, it's no problem.

Ped: Well, how many times is she waking up?

Me: I don't know. I'm not worried about it.

Ped: *doesn't know how to squirrel any answers out of me & moves on to something else*

That's about how it went. I was surprised about how nosey he was. At her earlier visits he had been very supportive of co-sleeping & breastfeeding, but he seemed to think she was getting too big for all that now. *sigh*


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## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

I suppose it is nosy. I've thought it was none of other people's business in the past, but I guess I was giving the ped implicit permission to ask whatever- kind of bugs me.


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## slightly crunchy (Jul 7, 2003)

Why, why WHY do they ask these things? Why do they care how many times the baby wakes at night? And then feel the need to give unsolicited advice.







I don't really get it.

At first I thought it was maybe because I am a first time parent and they feel the need to "educate" me about these things. But then, I figured it was probably because so many parents come in asking for advice and complaining about the lack of sleep, that they made it part of the well baby checkup. Sort of to avoid that "oh, by the way" kind of question going out the door that I tend to do with my own doctor. I really think peds could care less about the night wakings, it's just become part of their repertoire of questions.


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## luckylady (Jul 9, 2003)

My PED sleeps with her 4YO and 2(still nursing!)YO DD. So she supports it.







I really love my Ped. Not bad for a mainstream doctor. She also told me that in their practice, I am one of only a handful of mama's still nursing (almost 19 mos) BUT, the mama's who nurse for a year has increased significantly!


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## Wildcrafter (Mar 11, 2003)

We had a wonderful family practice doctor who supported all my ap/gd and extended bf decisions. Having a husband (and his entire family) who didn't at first support any of it, it was helpful to hear a doctor say when told of co-sleeping, "Well, what a nice place for the child to be."

The sad part is she is leaving and we are going to a new ped this month. I will definitely tell him about co-sleeping and everything else. If I don't like what he says I just won't go back. My husband will be going with me. He now had seen how our son has thrived and is a believer but I hope this doesn't get compromised. I wouldn't even take my healthy babe to a doctor's office full of sick ones if it wasn't for my husbands insistance. We don't vaccinate either. Wish me luck!


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## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

wow, what wonderful pediatricians--Gives me hope to keep trying.
Fortunately, I don't mind switching doctors.
I know crunchy, half the time I think they just assume we are too stupid to figure out how to properly take care of our babies or something. Not to slam all doctors here, but I am beginning to resent unsolicited advice. I would like to be able to ask occasional related things, which is why I want to be honest about it. But to encourage crying it out or formula or whatever because I "look tired" when I wasn't even complaining about it is frustrating, like it's some kind of problem that she can fix or something...I don't think so.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

I told... during the litany of questions about how often she eats and how often she wakes to eat at night... "I have no idea.. she doesn'y usually wake me up anymore." His reaction seemed rather impassive... neither approving or disapproving, which is fine, I guess.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I mentioned the idea of co-sleeping early on, and our pediatrician said that he didn't prefer it, but that he supported whatever worked for us. He also kind of admitted that co-sleeping was easier for moms who breastfeed. The part about supporting whatever worked for us was the part we liked.

He also defended his own experience of CIO. His daughter is in high school now. I feel bad for people who did CIO, it sounds like it was a miserable experience for the parents, let's not even talk about the children. But it is true that some parents I really respect (for how much they love their kids) did it. Hope we never feel that desperate.

Some friends of ours, a couple of doctors, have a daughter about 2 1/2 years older than ours. The mom is a pediatrician. they co-slept. When they talked about it I didn't think anything of it. Really, before this baby I never realized how charged of an issue this is!


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## Kristine (Sep 26, 2003)

Our pediatrician knows that we co-sleep. I can tell she isn't a huge fan of it, but knows that it works well for us and so doesn't say anything. I also have no problem talking loudly over people in very matter of fact terms lawyer style. I don't like it when I am asked questions such as, "How is he sleeping?" That would be like me going in for my annual and MY doctor asking me how I am sleeping. Very rude and intrusive, really. I take my son to the pediatrician for medical reasons only and that is it. Unless my pediatrian has children who have all won Nobel prizes amongst other things, I want no parenting advice from her. In fact, at the last visit I had I was told that my son really should be sleeping 6+ hours at a stretch when I said that he wakes up a couple of times for a quick suckle. I told her that most adults don't even do that and that sometimes you have to use the bathroom, drink water, whatever, and that it didn't bother me at all. I was very firm and unyielding about this, and she changed the subject immediately. I expect at my son's 12 month checkup she won't say anything again.









I do think it's good for people to be firm with their pediatricans and tell them that they are co-sleeping since that is the only way it will catch on with others if those of us who do it admit it unashamedly. That said, it's nobody else's business, including the pediatrician's. If my pediatrician had openly made complaints about it or even SUGGESTED crying it out, I would have told her exactly what I thought of that followed by my telling her we wouldn't be requiring her services anymore. It's as simple as that.


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## Divina (Sep 13, 2003)

We use a family practitioner who admitted she was not very familiar with cosleeping, but her only concern would be that we not try to change the arrangement when our DS was a two-year-old. Since I agree with her about that, it's no problem. She does have a range of questions she asks, but they all seem to be related to medical and/or developmental issues.

Personally, I have a very strong preference for family practitioners. I like the fact that she knows the whole family and is aware that one person's health issues can affect the whole family. She also delivered our 2-year-old DS, and I felt like she had an attitude closer to a midwife's than to a traditional OB/GYN. She also doesn't prescribe antibiotics at the drop of an ear infection! I tend to feel that the more specialized doctors are also more prone to unwarranted interference--probably far too much of a negative generalization, so now my personal prejudice is out there for the world to see! SO I guess I'm recommending that, if you change, you consider a family practitioner.

Divina


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## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

we did that---we switched from a large ped's office to general family dr.
he's so much more open to co-sleeping, extended nursing, vax choices, ...


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## moonshine (Dec 5, 2002)

Nope. I don't know that it has ever come up specifically. I believe that a general conversation once took place where I got the sense that he would not specifically recommend it, but I didn't feel the need to tell him where DD sleeps and he didn't ask. I feel that it has nothing to do with why we are seeing him. He asks generally about sleeping, eating, etc, and if I have a specific concern, I will ask, if not, we move on to the next thing.

He is very supportive of extended breastfeeding, which is nice. He is generally very low key and we have yet to see him for anything other than a regular check up. I wish he was a bit more into holistic care, but that isn't his thing.

He does NOT give unsolicited advice. If he did, I think I might stare at him blankly or something passive aggressive like that.


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## AahRee (Jan 23, 2003)

Our pediatrician knows we co-sleep, and she's all for it.


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## MaggiesMom (May 14, 2003)

Ours actually told us to co-sleep because she won't sleep any other way, even though a nurse in his office told us to let her cio. The ped told us he co-slept with his kids.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

We are generally very open with our choices with our ped. She is very open minded and always hears us out and I feel like we can learn from each other. She changed the official office stance on iron supplimentation in breastfed infants because of us. She learned about tandem nursing because of us (she didn't even know it was possible, right on the two year form it says that nursing is benificial as long as you do, but she encouraged weaning after hearing I was pg. but I "schooled" her). I figure if more people were open about their choices is would become obvious that MOST people co-sleep at least some of the time and maybe would loose some of the negativity associated with it.


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## Divina (Sep 13, 2003)

I have to agree with you, TiredX2, about making our choices known. Sometimes I chicken out, because I just don't feel like having the conversation, but I try to remember that I'm not just raising my own kids, I'm showing others that they have many choices they may not even be aware of. This applies not just to my parenting choices, but to my whole life. Thanks for the reminder.
Of course, it helps a lot if you don't care much what most people think of you!

Divina


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## sleeping queen (Nov 10, 2003)

Your ped is asking because it is important children to have consolidated sleep without several wakings. Not being able to sleep can have ill effects on your child learning and behaviour as he gets older. My ped who has studied in the field of sleep issues told me this. So while it is wonderful to have our children with us we aren't giving them the best if we don't help them learn to sleep through the night. There is also no proof that a little crying will harm them in anyway. It is more of an emotional reaction for the mothers than the children.


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## Evergreen (Nov 6, 2002)

:

I was a CIO baby who was always in my own crib, and in my own room from 3 mos on, and I have NEVER slept through the night.

Anyways, I do tell my ped. we cosleep, he has never said anything derogatory about it.


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## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

I know why my ped is asking. I'm aware that sleeping is important for babies and she wants to make sure everything is going OK and offer guidance. However, most people who choose to co-sleep don't do everything their "ped says" without first informing themselves of different viewpoints. That's why I started the thread-- because I know some pediatricians don't agree with this practice. I think most parents who choose to co-sleep are well aware of the different arguments and the "you're really doing your child a favor" theories. Or perhaps they've even tried both methods, and didn't feel that hours and hours of crying was effective. Crying it out isn't right or helpful for every infant any more than co-sleeping is right for every single family.
But this thread isn't about whether or not one should co-sleep. Why not start another one, where you can offer that viewpoint.


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## Kristine (Sep 26, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by sleeping queen_
*Your ped is asking because it is important children to have consolidated sleep without several wakings. Not being able to sleep can have ill effects on your child learning and behaviour as he gets older. My ped who has studied in the field of sleep issues told me this. So while it is wonderful to have our children with us we aren't giving them the best if we don't help them learn to sleep through the night. There is also no proof that a little crying will harm them in anyway. It is more of an emotional reaction for the mothers than the children.*
So you wouldn't mind if your family doctor asked you how you were sleeping for your annual visits? Quite clearly, sleep is something that is vital to humans. However, most people do have "several wakings" throughout the night. I have read extensive studies on this and have an aunt who has spent 2 decades doing sleep research in Seattle for various hospitals, and it is simply a fact. Do you sleep through each night 7 days a week without waking up for even one moment?

Secondly, how do you know that crying DOESN'T harm babies? Do you think they do it simply to cry because it is fun, or because they need something? When you cry, why do you do it, and would you feel slightly put out if your husband ignored you? That's something to think about.

My son wakes up around every 6 hours at night for a quick suckle, and sleeps around 10 hours total. He is well ahead of those babies whose parents we know practice CIO. So either it is my super brilliant genes in action, or the fact that we love and respect our son and respond to his needs that has something to do with it. In the end, our pediatricians do not live with our children. We do. And we are the best judges of their personalities.


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## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

My pediatrician doesn't even have any children. I know, I know...







:


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## sleeping queen (Nov 10, 2003)

Babies cry for lots of reason, hungry, bored, tired, mad, and to get what they want. It is a parents job to know their babes so they know if it is a true need or just because they aren't getting something they want.(I'm not talking about small infants) My dd sometimes wakes talks to herself then goes back to sleep.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Kristine, isn't a 6 hour stretch technically "sleeping through the night"? I thought five hours was sleeping through.

I'm not sure I wouldn't mind if my doctor asked me about my sleep. I don't think a doctor has ever done that. I suspect that a lot of adult illnesses are tied to lack of sleep. I know at least two people who had nervous breakdowns from lack of sleep. One just finally got a CPAP machine! It's quite amazing, i'm wracking my brain, but I can't think of any time a doctor has asked me about my sleep!

Here's something that bugs me, sleeping queen. what is a "true need"? Should we only attend to our babies' needs for food, sleep, dry clothing and shelter? I'm quite serious, now. If a baby needs to be held, or wants stimulation, what are the results if we don't provide that tactile closeness and intellectual stimulation? Those things are developmentally crucial, am I going to say, "No, he's just bored, I'm not going to interact with him"? Or, "he's angry, screw him, who wants to talk to an angry baby"?

I am not only talking about whether it's okay for us to let our babies cry to sleep. I actually haven't made up my mind about that, even with all the vehement anti-CIO rhetoric here. (And even though I have not used the CIO method.) I am just not happy with the idea that my child's attempts to communicate with me are something I should ignore if I think his needs aren't "real."


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## Oklahoma Mama (Feb 12, 2003)

My son has had 2 different pediatricians due to a move. I never told either of them. I just wanted their opinion on my son's health. I have no idea what they would think of it. I know my current one didn't have a problem with me nursing after 1 year, as if any should have a problem with that


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## keenya74 (Nov 10, 2003)

I have never told my ped that we co-sleep.
No one really knows except a close few, my in-laws for example who diapprove, even my dh is not such a big fan of it but lets me bring our dd to bed.

I don't think my ped would approve. ( he told me at our 12 month appt to cut back on the breastmilk and give more cows milk)

AHHH!!! No one is my on my side -well Im sure my dd VIolet is


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## june'smom (Nov 8, 2003)

what is up with all these stupid doctors. At our last visit I swore that I was never taking my babe back. He asked nosey questions about where she slept, how much she ate (all the time) and told me that sometimes I could just go outside or something while the baby cried in the crib (which we don't use) so that I could have some time for myself (which I don't need)
ugh!!! I just smiled and nodded and did my own thing when I got home. He also yelled at me about vax, which sucks. I think it is none of their damn business









Loving wife to Ben mom to Juniper


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## mamangazelle (Apr 25, 2003)

Mine never asked, so I didn't tell, but I guess that when he saw our cloth diapers, that I'm breastfeeding and questionning vaxes, he prefered not to know:LOL
I don't think he would mind or say something though, because in the books they give to all new parents in the hospital, they say that co sleeping is safe and is a good way to get some sleep and get breastfeeding going







for Québec


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## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

Jeez, I was thinking that was so great to get a book like that in the hospital (we got this AAP sponsored book that says co-sleeping is BAD) and then I saw that part about Canada. Figures.
no fair.


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

On our first visit, the ped suggested we co-sleep so I could get enough rest while nursing--and our bf relationship was a legit topic as dd was losing weight, after she'd started to gain. He also commented on how great slings are, that his kids practically lived in them as babies (I brought dd in in my mayawrap).

Of course, I found him by word of mouth on an ap email list for my area.


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## jacksmama (Sep 19, 2003)

This whole discussion is revealing to me. I honestly never even thought about telling OR not telling my doctor that we co-sleep. I disregard my ped quite often. At least this discussion is making me realize that I must disregard them. Because I know that my pediatrician and I don't agree on baby rearing philosophies...but I've just completely blown it off as her / them being out of sync with what's right for me....and that I know better. I've never given it a thought beyond that.

When I was a kid I was what you would consider counter-culture, very alternative. I charged out into the world ready to change the way people approached life. But you know, 95% of people don't want to be educated, the other 4% are just plain dumb. The last 1% are either on board with your ideals or they're just tolerant. So most people aren't going to agree with you -- not your neighbor, not your boss and certainly not your doctor. Maybe I'm jaded, but why fight it?

To answer the question, if asked, yes I would tell my doctor I co-sleep. But to be very frank, I wouldn't give a good damn what she thought of it. I don't need my doctor to support my parenting choices. It's not my job in this lifetime to enlighten anyone, except myself. So I would tell her, but I wouldn't tell her why I do, or how I feel about it. It wouldn't be open to discussion.


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## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

How can you completely trust the medical advice when it's coming from someone whose views are so different, though? If I know that person is anti-ap and medical-intervention happy, it's difficult to trust her opinion on medications, vaccinations, and other topics that might come up. I can educate myself, but I don't have a medical degree. That's why it's important to me. I'm not seeking approval or parenting advice from her, really.


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## zevulon (Dec 26, 2001)

Our ped is the person that we will call if we ever need to sew ds's head back on if it falls off. Otherwise I just don't see any point in telling the ped about our sleep habits or even visiting the office.

Good advise and good parenting practices come from other places, usually without medical degrees.


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## aguacates (Sep 17, 2003)

I trust our family doctor to know about pathology of the human body. For instance, symptoms of disease, or to know when to give stitches, or suspect broken bones. I do not trust him to know about wellness or parenting choices, since his training is sickness. That said, he has a list of questions he asks every visit, and one of them is if we are aware of the neccessity of new cribs vs. old cribs, as the bars in old cribs are incorrectly spaced. I always say yes, I'm aware of it, and leave it at that. I don't mention the fact that we do not even own a crib. If I was directly asked I wouldn't lie though.


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## mama_kass (Jan 11, 2003)

I suggest that you search for a new pediatrician. I co-sleep exclusivly. My pediatrician said that even though most peds have a big problem with it he dosen't. In fact he cosleeps part time. He said him and his wife put the baby in bed with them when she wakes up at 4am and she stays in bed with them the rest of the morning. He said that he thinks it is good for the breastfeeding relationship and bonding to both parents.


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## Casimir's_Mama (Aug 18, 2003)

I am looking for a new pediatrician. I had previously planned on ignoring her input, but at times I don't know everything about medical things that come up and I want someone I can trust to ask. When this came up I was doubtful that any doctor supported it and I was curious if people admitted to it or what. I'm glad some of you have mentioned that you have pediatricians who support it. This gives me motivation to keep searching until I find someone whom I like and trust, instead of just keeping mum and not establishing a decent "relationship". thanks.


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