# I don't want to fight about what she wears



## junipermuse (Nov 1, 2006)

Let me preface this by saying that I am very relaxed about what my kids wear. It's their body, their choice for the most part. Despite this attitude I still find that my dd and I are in a constant battle about clothes. My dd is 3.5 and she is very particular. When she was younger she let me pick out her clothes and dress her and she had a very large and extensive wardrobe. Around 2.5 (when ds was born and she was potty training) she went through a stage wear she refused to wear any clothes. It lasted for about three weeks and then she started wearing clothes again but over the course of the next year she became more and more picky about what she would wear. First she stopped wearing jeans and only would wear "comfy pants" (yoga pants), then she would only wear skirts, dresses, and leggings, and absolutely no floppy pants. At this point she won't wear any pants at all, only dresses, and they have to be long. She won't wear pockets, or hoods or full sleeves or floppy sleeves. She also complains frequently about her shoes not being tight enough and she wants to wear them on the wrong feet. If I buy her a dress that she approves of and meets all her criteria, it's not uncommon for her to wear it a week or two and then decide that she doesn't like it anymore or that its not long enough or something. I have had to get rid of so much clothing that originally met her criteria, but she'll no longer wear because she now has stricter standards. I can't afford to keep buying her new clothes and frankly it's hard to find a lot of clothes that fit her long list of must-haves. Also it seems that even if I have my mom make her a couple of new dresses that fit her list, she'll either find something else she doesn't like about it, or she'll want to wear that dress exclusively for several weeks and she'll refuse to wear many of the old ones.

So here's where the battles begin. She wants to wear the same thing for weeks at a time and refuses to where something else even long enough for us to wash it. I don't mind letting her wear something a couple days in a row, but especially on school days I would like her not to wear the same thing without it being washed (I'm mostly concerned that the teachers will think I'm negligent and not taking proper care of her, I'm a teacher and that would be a concern for me if I saw a child who always wore the same dirty outfit every single day.) Other days though she'll want to change her clothes constantly. It gets in the way of other things I'm trying to get done. Every five minutes she's demanding I go into her room and get a different dress down. She leaves a huge mess of clothes on the floor, which she isn't able to pick up herself. Or she'll ask my help in picking out her clothes and she'll refuse every dress in her closet. Then if I walk away saying "These are the only choices we have, let me know when you decide" She starts screaming at me that I have to TRY to help her find something else. She also decides at the most inopportune time that she can't wear what she is currently wearing. Like yesterday we were getting in the car to go to preschool when she decided she didn't want to wear what she was wearing. She asked me to go find her a different dress. I was also afraid that if I took her back inside we'd be standing in front of the closet with her vetoing every choice. So I grabbed three dresses and brought them down and offered to let her choose from the three. She didn't want any of them. She threw a horrible fit. She couldn't tell me which dress she wanted though, just that she didn't want those dresses. I told her those were the choices and then buckled her in a drove her to school. Even after we got to school, she cried for a very long time about not wanting any of those dresses. She said she didn't want to go to school and just wanted to go home, despite the fact that she had begged all morning to go. She ended up being an hour late because of the long battle. We end up being late to things all the time because even if I get her dressed way early for things she'll change her mind and start a fight before we get out the door.

This morning something similar happened, though this time about shoes. She usually prefers to be barefoot, which I'm very relaxed about. We go barefoot at the park. I take her to school barefoot and just put her shoes in her cubby. I even let her go into the grocery store barefoot as long as she stays in the cart, and I just carry her shoes in my bag in case she wants to get out. Well today I said I'd take her to the drop-in at this little children's art studio. I knew they'd insist on her wearing shoes for safety reasons. So I told she had to wear her shoes. I had two pairs in the car, her crocs and a pair of pink sparkly princess shoes my mom bought her at disneyland (probably as a solution to the exact same issue I was dealing with this morning). She didn't want to wear either of those pairs. She wanted me to drive all the way home so we could get her white sandals. I wasn't sure where in the house the white sandals even were. I told her she needed to wear shoes to go into the art studio, but if she wanted to be barefoot she could ride in the stroller and we could just walk around the little downtown area instead, it was her choice. Then I went and sat back down in the front seat of the car and played with my iphone while I waited for her to decide. lt took her half an hour before stopping her tantrum and deciding to wear the shoes.

I'm just so tired of fighting. It's a constant battle and I'm exhausted. I just feel like screaming "I don't give a flying %*#@ what you wear, just leave me the *&## alone." Obviously I don't but I want to. I'm so worn down, this just takes all the fun out of...well, everything. What else can I do? Please give me advice.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

My dd went through a phase where she was very picky about what she would wear. She is also a dress girl and has some definite favorites for type. We have never had extra money to spend on changing clothes out unless she actually grows out of a lot of clothes and I don't make laundry optional, it isn't something I have ever given in on because I have a sensitive nose and dirty smells make my stomach sick. I treated this phase like I treat all boundary testing and didn't let go of my desire to see her in clean clothes, nor did I buy her new clothes that were out of our budget when she had beautiful clothes that fit very well. It may help to decide on a boundary for the clothes issue and set it. If you couldn't afford to keep getting rid of clothes and catering to her desire for newer things you would probably have found that this phase wasn't very long because you wouldn't have any choice but insisting that she dress herself in the good clothes she has. Even though you do have the money to let her get new clothes whenever she makes a fuss for them, what message do you think it sends her about fussing to get things and about possessions? Are those messages the ones you want to send to her?


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Yeahh... I'm pretty sure age that age 3 is the hardest year. Full of crazy emotions and lack of naps etc. My son can have temper tantrums about stuff like your dd. He really seems to do better when I stick with my "no"s. My oldest is all about compromise but he just needs the boundaries right away. Maybe this would help? Mostly I think you just need to get out of the 3's


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *junipermuse* 
Or she'll ask my help in picking out her clothes and she'll refuse every dress in her closet. Then if I walk away saying "These are the only choices we have, let me know when you decide" She starts screaming at me that I have to TRY to help her find something else. She also decides at the most inopportune time that she can't wear what she is currently wearing.

This sounds soo soo familiar. And then deciding right as we are walking across the threshold into the garage that some article of clothing absolutely won't do, and being late to school because of it. The thing that helped was the fact that as she got a little older, she hated being late and having to walk into get a tardy slip.

I don't know if my kids were ever as bad as your daughter, but there were so many phases involved with this. When my now 11 year old was younger, she would only wear clothing once it was too small, then she would never wear jeans, then she *had* to wear jeans, but they had to be comfortable, and they never were. She couldn't wear anything flared anything this or that. She'd pick out clothing, I'd buy her what she said she would wear, she would wear it once and then insist she could no longer wear it. Mostly because of how she perceived she looked to other kids.

For us it just came down to me letting her scream and have her fit, and having to walk away from it and shut myself away so she couldn't keep engaging me. And I had to be quite frank with her, and often that was me angry and screaming because I was so sick of it. A few times I would just left in the middle of her screaming after explaining very clearly that I had given her choices, she had rejected them all, I wasn't going to put up with this disrespectful treatment any longer, she could just stay home from school. She would flip out, _*What??? I can't stay home from school!*_ Now that she's 11, she kind of finds a few things she'll wear and she wears them all the time, but clothes shopping makes me want to cry.

Unfortunately, my 6 year old does not have the same attitude about not missing school, she doesn't have the rigid rules following thing, so if I try and walk away and not engage her and let her get her emotions out, she just escalates it until I can't leave her alone. With my older daughter, she just really needed to be able to scream and get it all out, and then figure out what she was going to do, but this doesn't work with my younger one. I think she needs a lot more consolation and input when she's in that emotional state, but that didn't work for my older one. The younger one doesn't mind missing school, so we'll see what this year will bring. In general, however, she is much easier about clothing, she'll get herself dressed with little problem and will wear the clothes she's picked. It's just the shoes are the big thing and I cannot find shoes that she's happy with, so she goes barefoot a lot and I don't know what's going to happen, honestly.


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## Alison's Mom (May 3, 2007)

My daughter was a bit like this, too. I see photos of her at age 2 wearing jeans and think 'wow, she actually used to wear jeans!' because back then, she never wore skirts or dresses, but when she was 3 and started going to preschool, she somehow decided she didn't like 'restrictive' clothing, so jeans, cords, all pants were out. I had horrible battles with her on cold mornings when she wanted to wear skirts or dresses on freezing days. We finally compromised on thick tights and when I realized she'd wear them, bought 7 or 8 pairs, so she would always have at least a couple of pairs to choose from for school. I also bought long sleeve dresses, long sleeve tshirts and several skirts and that's what she wore to preschool and kindergarten.

Her other issue is that she won't dress properly for cold weather. She'll wear the tights, skirt and long sleeve top at school, then the minute she comes home, will strip it all off and put on the most summery dress I will let her wear - short sleeve with no tights, or even sleeveless if I let her, and this is in the dead of winter, and will refuse to wear a sweater or anything else. Then her feet are so freezing DH will turn up the thermostat, which drives me crazy! I do insist she wear a proper jacket outside on cold days, but it's still a battle with whining to wear jackets at all, even though they are pink, etc, and supposedly to her liking.

She also will want to wear certain things every day, or change several times a day and leave piles of 1/2 clean 1/2 dirty clothes on the floor. By now (age 5.5) she is pretty good at choosing something to wear herself, and I don't care if it doesn't match, etc as long as the clothes are clean and fit her.

I also discovered she would wear leggings and insisted she wear them under skirts that were too short, or to the park to ride her bike.

The other morning, we were about to leave the house for gymnastics but when she put on her leotard, it had two holes along the side seam which looked like they would get bigger by wearing it, stretching the fabric, so I said I'd sew them up later that day, but she'd have to wear a Tshirt and shorts for gymnastics. You'd think that I told her she had to go naked by the way she screamed and had a meltdown. We were in a hurry and I admit I handled it poorly by trying to physically put the shorts on her while she kicked them off







I just hate being late for things. In the end, I said go ahead and wear the leotard with holes - see if I care if the whole thing falls apart in class. So she did, and I learned my lesson that my DD is SLOW to adapt to any changes to her expectation and I need to go about these things in a different way.

Anyway, long story short, I've mostly figured out what she will wear, and now I just buy clothes for her and bring them home for her to try on because taking her shopping is a complete nightmare. It bothers me, though, that she says 'Oh yes, I like that', so I take the tags off and wash it, ,then she wears it once and decides she doesn't like it - what a waste of money, but I'm not sure what to do about that.

Oh yeah, she also refuses to ever wear socks unless we are ice skating or something. This is solved by tights in the winter, but in the summer, she'll wear running shoes with no socks, and the smell starts to get to me after a while. . . . yuck. She has two pairs of sport sandals but always chooses the runners instead for some reason, and I've decided to not fight her on it.

I was apparently picky about clothes when I was a kid, but my parents didn't have the money to keep buying me different things, plus my dad would not have tolerated it, and now I'm so not picky! Luckily DS will wear almost anything!


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## cattmom (Apr 6, 2009)

Not sure if this is helpful, but when my daughter went through a 3yo phase of wanting to change clothes every minute, I told her she was limited to three total outfits each day. It is strictly to save my laundry sanity. She really only likes to wear two dresses, and has two others she'll accept. But that's fine with me. I also tell her on cold days that she has to wear her jacket or carry it.


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## crowcaw (Jan 16, 2009)

I have twin dds who are almost 5. One would wear burlap and the other is extremely picky. It is a sensitivity though -- with similar criteria to your dd. Nothing too tight, too loose, too floppy, no tags, soft fabrics and dresses only, nothing tight on the waist, panties have to fit just so, socks and shoes are a real trial, etc. Added to it all, she's also concerned about how it looks. But her discomfort in the clothes that don't feel right to her is real and when she is under other stress (on vacations so things are unfamiliar, when there are other big changes going on, like the start of school) she handles the clothing thing even less well. So what we've done is go through her closet and remove everything that does not meet her criteria and have only a little more than a weeks worth of outfits in her closet. She picks out what she wears and if she can't, I make suggestions, but if everything is vetoed (there aren't that many choices), then I pick out what she will wear. She fusses and cries as she's getting dressed on days that go like this but comfort usually gets her through it. I also offer incentives to encourage her to get through getting dressed -- like taking a picture of her once she's ready, letting her pick out jewelry for me to wear when she's done, reading a book if there's time (i.e. if she gets dressed fast enough), and that seems to help her through it because she's thinking about something other than the clothes.

As for wearing the same thing everyday; what is worn each day is put in the laundry at night and I only do laundry once a week. I started doing this when I realized my decision as to whether something was clean enough to wear again probably seemed pretty arbitrary to her and was therefor causing more drama than just instituting the rule that things are only worn once. Multiple outfits a day were solved by me putting clothes I found on the floor in the laundry. Also, giving her a large collection of dress up cloths and accessories so that she had things she could play around dressing in.

Reading this back it sounds pretty harsh but it really isn't implemented that way and it has drastically reduced the drama around dressing. I don't imagine her drama over dressing was making her very happy either.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I'm not you. Your daughter is not my daughter.

But if that were my home, this is what would happen:

"Here are your choices. Choose. You will wear it for the day. Period." I don't care how much she tantrumed. I mean hours... that is fine for me. If she started hitting me because of it, I put myself in time out. If she destroyed things, they get taken away. If she's naked, I put an overcoat on her and literally carry her to the car if I must, she can stay in the stroller in the store if it comes to that.

The. End.

We have sleep battles because I cannot use this approach (I can't force her to sleep or take away the "stay awake" alternative). However I've found it effective in most other areas (food, clothing, toys, etc.) Thank God at this moment we don't have a potty battle.

FWIW if it seemed like a sensory issue--cotton only, loose only, tight only--that would be different. But it doesn't sound like that to me. It seems more like a control issue. So you either deal with it and let her pull the reigns, or limit her control. She might object to that... to put it mildly. Whatever works for you.

Good luck, my DD is also 3.5 and UGH. What an age!


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Oh, and I would start on a weekend, and for school, if she doesn't get dressed, no school. She loves school. Oh, well. I mean... It's not that I want to control her clothes. But I'm not going to be her personal clothing consultant for 60 - 120 minutes per day. That's all. If she could realistically do it herself, fine.

And we buy clothes 1x / year. If you don't like it (including if you are mom or dad), tough titties.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Tantrums from a 3-year-old involve more words, but they're still just tantrums. Kids learn that they, and in fact no one, has complete control over their environment, and that there are things that just are and can't and/or won't change. She obviously hasn't learned that yet, and will continue to have tantrums as she learns it. I would let her go through the work of her tantrums and respond as I would with any tantrum. Talk about the emotions ("You sound very angry"), empathize ("I wish you had a million dresses and could chose a new fancier dress every day" or even just "I wish the dress you wanted to wear today was clean"), and let her go through it without negativity or shunning or fights or judgment. But also without engaging them and getting sucked into the drama, which is very easy to do when they have good use of language. Then, when she's finished, give her love. There are times where there isn't time for her to go through all that for hours or however long it will take, and then all you can do is muddle through as best as you can. But that's the general method I use when dealing with tantrums, regardless of age. I think of tantrums as something to help kids get through rather than as something to stop.


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## mokey4 (Nov 3, 2008)

My daughter is only 18 months, so I do not yet have this issue... but reading this thread makes me think about a recent discussion I read about Neufield's ideas on setting limits with children. I haven't read the book or seen the video, so I might be getting this wrong, but my impression is that sometimes you have to just set a limit and say no to your child. The expression they used is that you have to be the "agent of futility" - make them realize that it is futile to keep asking for something they are not going to get (in this case, a new wardrobe, change of clothes, whatever). Then, once they have cried and gotten out their sad emotions, you have to show that you understand how they feel and be empathetic- tell them you know they are angry that you didn't give them something else to wear. Then be the "agent of comfort," comfort them and help them feel better.

I'm sure my description doesn't entirely help.. but it sounds like this situation is the perfect place to apply the "Power to Parent" series, which is on DVD. I've been hearing so much about it.


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## clickclackmoo (Mar 12, 2010)

My DD is 4.5 now and at some point during the year of 3, I started to clue in to the fact that she was picking fights, throwing tantrums and having arguments at certain points of the day or around certain issues. You DD sounds as though she might possibly be dealing with anxiety through the medium of clothing (??). In any case, mine would tantrum on the way to school and at the end of a playdate reliably. She never ever put shoes on to go to the store. Ok, she didn't want to go and she has problems with transitions. So conversations tend to go like this: 'get your shoes on.' 'noooooooo!' 'it's time for shoes. You're worried about school?' Or 'you're having too much fun to leave?' And I try to address the underlying problem as well as the behavior. That's fairly straightforward. These days we still have tantrums and frequently they're about toys that she wants. She always wants a new toy. But the thing is, she really really wants needs must have them at particular moments - for example after she's been through something totally unrelated and 'kept her cool'. A hard day at school. A nosebleed during a playdate. Somebody from outside the family telling her 'no'. Just being tired. If I can figure out what's really bothering her, usually the freakout about the toy just disappears into thin air.

This is all rather simplified of course. I'm sure your DD has got clothing issues for every mood, detail and nuance of her life. But perhaps there's a pattern there that can be addressed in addition to some plain ol' rules.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
Tantrums from a 3-year-old involve more words, but they're still just tantrums. Kids learn that they, and in fact no one, has complete control over their environment, and that there are things that just are and can't and/or won't change. She obviously hasn't learned that yet, and will continue to have tantrums as she learns it. I would let her go through the work of her tantrums and respond as I would with any tantrum. Talk about the emotions ("You sound very angry"), empathize ("I wish you had a million dresses and could chose a new fancier dress every day" or even just "I wish the dress you wanted to wear today was clean"), and let her go through it without negativity or shunning or fights or judgment. But also without engaging them and getting sucked into the drama, which is very easy to do when they have good use of language. Then, when she's finished, give her love. There are times where there isn't time for her to go through all that for hours or however long it will take, and then all you can do is muddle through as best as you can. But that's the general method I use when dealing with tantrums, regardless of age. I think of tantrums as something to help kids get through rather than as something to stop.

This would be my approach, as well. I wouldn't even offer two choices, because that may be just begging for an argument. I'd say, "this is what I've picked for you to wear today," and then proceed to put it on her. Then I'd ride out the protest. Calmly, and without allowing myself to get pulled into it. I'd rest on my backside in the absolute conviction that the world isn't in fact going to end, no matter how hard she insists it is, and that she will indeed be just fine at the end of it. I'd be sympathetic, but unmoved. If she physically made it impossible for me to dress her, I'd wrap her in my coat and stick her in the car, and we'd go. She wouldn't be the first child to show up at school in her pjs.

My DD1 was like this, at that age. And I'd get tangled up for hours in trying to put it right for her, and make her happy, and accommodate all these ever-changing preferences and rules and taboos, until I was half the way to totally crazy. Then my twins were born, and I just plain didn't have time anymore. So in order to keep the twins from dying of neglect, I had to say to DD1: "enough is enough."

And it worked. It really did. I let her run the show, when the issue really was one that she could have choices about. Don't want to come to the dinner table? That's fine, baby, whatever you want. Want to have two baths in one day? Okay, that sounds fun. But the stuff that was really holding us back from getting through the day became non-negotiable. So I stopped soliciting her opinion about what to make for a meal-- she could just choose from what I served, or not eat at all if that was what pleased her. And I stopped asking her opinion about her clothes. It was the same with a few other issues I just couldn't deal with having to constantly negotiate.

It sounds like you're being bamboozled, honestly.







It's a rough age, and so hard not to get pulled up into all the three-year-old drama. But I think you do better to be a confident leader.


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## Callimom (Sep 14, 2004)

From a logistics standpoint, with her input I would get her a _limited_ selection of clothes that meet her physical needs (soft, not too tight, no labels etc) and your family's needs (school clothes, play clothes, fancy/church clothes) and then stop buying/exchanging them until she outgrows them. There's no need to continue to buy her clothes like that. A 3.5 year old is capable of understanding that there are limits to our choices. She can't learn that if you keep changing the situation so that she doesn't have to come up against it. You can sympathize with her and help her learn the skills to accept and move on while still helping her realize that her choices are limited by life.

Then I would implement some new routines around getting ready. You can say things like "We are leaving in 10 minutes. I have 5 minutes to help you get ready now if you need it. If you aren't ready in 10 minutes then we'll go in whatever you are in."

Have a set of clothes in the car for her to wear if she's really unprepared - simple things like yoga pants and a shirt.

Enforce community rules. We all need to have shoes on in stores, restaurants. No question. It's not about her preference - it is about safety and cleanliness, and community standards.

Get her a button that says "I dressed myself". Tell your preschool teachers she only wants to wear 2 outfits. They'll understand - it won't be the first time they will have been through it.

Have a family rule that you are allowed 2 outfits a day, barring a disaster. If she changes her clothes may not need to go through the laundry. Help her put them back.

Start building up a dress-up box. It sounds like she wants to express herself through dressing. Be prepared though - my 9 year old went out yesterday dressed in full wizard gear.









Plan to wash her favourites often - even every night if they need it. Don't give her too much to choose from - it can be overwhelming. Enlist her preschool teachers to help - they might plan a colour of the week day where everyone wears red, etc so that she can try some new options if she seems in a rut.

As for the emotional stuff I agree with some of the PPs. She's tantruming and you can treat it as such. Acknowledge both the frustration and the limit, help her understand she can feel the emotion without letting it overwhelm her and give her some tools and words for that. Find some cues and ways to help her transition out of tantrum mode smoothly.

Start introducing the concept of gratitude to her. Take extra clothes to the clothing closet and talk about sharing and being grateful for that opportunity. She'll get it.

It's a stage - it will get better.
Hang in there.
Karen


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## *clementine* (Oct 15, 2004)

For what it's worth, I've been going through this with my 8 year old since she was about that age too.
It's absolutly horrible. I do the firm thing, but it dosen't matter, the issue won't resolve itself. If I give her the two choice outfits, and then stick her in the pants or whatever, she'll take them off in the car- so even an hour later, I'm still physically struggling to get her dressed. Again. She won't drop it, and we'll spend the entire day dealing with her.
Just this year she's started to relax about it. Crossing my fingers that things are on the up and up for us, but I hear you, my budget hears you, my investment in her Mini Boden wardrobe (that she'd preapproved and now hates) hears you, and it. just. sucks.


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## crowcaw (Jan 16, 2009)

I just want to speak up for the possibility that there is real discomfort for some children when it comes to clothes and at 3.5 it's hard for them to distinguish or separate or articulate I-don't-want-to-wear-this-because-it's-hurting-me vs I-don't-want-to-wear-this-because-I'm-in-a-mood. The two probably get pretty tangled up in their heads and overlap or one painful attribute gets convoluted with another (the shirt with the scratchy neck had pockets and therefor all shirts with pockets are bad). With my dd I finally figured out that a lot of the clothing tantrums were because she really wanted to wear something that she liked the look of but when she got it on something about it hurt her. She would spend a good deal of time laying out an outfit on the floor, including the matching headband, put it all on, then take it off, then put together another, then take that off, etc, getting more and more agitated, and then having a fit and rejecting everything saying that there was nothing to wear -- but in her mind there _was_ nothing to wear because all the things that she wanted to wear weren't comfortable. Or we'd get something new and she'd say oh yes yes yes it's fine, wear it once, and the next time it wasn't comfortable (shoes are the biggest culprit for this) -- and I think that's real too. The excitement and love of the new thing made it tolerable, but it really wasn't. Once I sifted through all her reactions to find out what her true criteria for comfort were and provided only those options in her closet, the drama decreased greatly and she is mostly able to find something for herself to wear every day without trouble. So her wardrobe is pretty limited and I'm pretty picky about what we buy but that isn't hard to manage. We still have our moments and I go to the "these are the clothes you have available to wear" or pick something for her and let her emotion flow, but it's not very often. And unfortunately, what she finds comfortable is a somewhat moving target with shifts that are often coinciding with growth spurts. I don't feel I was bamboozled by dd and I don't think even a compassionate hard line of these are the clothes you have would have been fair to dd.

I'm not saying that this it the OP's dd's issue, but for some kids it isn't just trying to assert their control, make everyone jump through hoops, etc., and the difficulty in getting dressed or choosing clothes might mean something.


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## elus0814 (Sep 21, 2009)

It sounds like she has a lot of choices for a three year old. In our house kids (the oldest is not quite six) are not taken clothes shopping. They have never been taken clothes shopping and have zero say it what is purchased for them. I'm not sure if that would work for a three year old who has already been given these options but it works well for us. We tried taking the kids shopping once and I know it will be years before we try again, it seemed like when they saw all the options available they were no longer satisfied with what they had or the options that were offered to them - classic consumerism.

My daughter owns just two pairs of shoes, one was a gift and are the 'fancy' pair. She knows they are not for everyday wear. If she pitches a fit over wearing them then I simply take them away and put them where she can't get to them. They don't come back out for several days and if the same things happens again they are taken away for an even longer time. We do this with a lot of things rather than fight over them. She is also picky about clothing and wears dresses 99% of the time (loose cotton lands end type ones).

This is what I would do in your situation:
Take away any clothes that cause an argument. Don't purchase clothes that are not needed simply because they meet the current whims of your three year old. Allow her to choose one outfit for the day, if the choosing takes more than a set number of minutes choose for her. Keep other clothing and shoes out of sight, closed in a closet with a child latch on it would be one way. Do the clothes shopping alone or online without her input. Send a note to the teacher or talk personally, she will almost certainly understand the issue and it will let you stop worrying that she is thinking you are not caring for your daughter properly. Most importantly: stand your ground and don't allow yourself to be used as her personal clothing assistant.


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## mum4vr (Jan 31, 2007)

I remember those days well! I agree w EdnaMarie. Whatever you chose to wear first is what you wear-- no going back in as we leave the house.

My dd, now almost 10, and I came to a truce when she was about 20 mos old-- I would chose her clothes and she would choose her socks/tights and accesories/ hair things...

So for around 4 years she wore fuscia socks every day. With every thing. Like the red and black plaid jumper she got as a gift-- fuscia socks. MmmHmm. Cute. Anyway, she also likes tights-- cotton tights, not nylon or microfiber and wears them (still) year round with anything.

I stick by my truce-- easier than explaining why I can't bring my child out in public with clean clothes on "like everyone else," hahaha.









Don't get me started on shoes and how frequently they got pitched out the car window as we drove!


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Well, I don't have the financial resources to indulge a picky appetite for clothing. I can meet a need for comfortable clothes but that is it. I don't argue about it either. I know this sounds rather old fashioned...but I'd be inclined to start _introducing_ gratitude oriented thinking at this age--I did that with my son and was grateful in later years I started so young. I know this isn't going to change anything with a 3 year old, but I think it is okay to start encouraging her to be thankful for her clothes, to involve her in donating outgrown items to the needy, and to reinforce a thankful attitude towards the issue--again NOT because at 3 she will get it, but because _eventually_ she will get it. I also want to make clear that I am not saying because she acts this way, she is ungrateful. She is 3 and this is what 3 year olds do.

In terms of the actual situation--I have no problem insisting on a change of clothes periodically. I would decide what I could live with and then enforce that. My guidelines would be that my child had to be sanitary and not in such a state as to be drawing undo negative attention (as in, a call to CPS, and yes it DOES happen for reasons this stupid).

Quote:

I'm not you. Your daughter is not my daughter.

But if that were my home, this is what would happen:

"Here are your choices. Choose. You will wear it for the day. Period." I don't care how much she tantrumed. I mean hours... that is fine for me. If she started hitting me because of it, I put myself in time out. If she destroyed things, they get taken away. If she's naked, I put an overcoat on her and literally carry her to the car if I must, she can stay in the stroller in the store if it comes to that.

The. End.
If all other approaches had failed then this is me too, simply because I never had the time or money to seriously indulge my child to the degree described. He had to make choices and live with them sometimes, even at 3.


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## MamieCole (Jun 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crowcaw* 
I just want to speak up for the possibility that there is real discomfort for some children when it comes to clothes and at 3.5 it's hard for them to distinguish or separate or articulate I-don't-want-to-wear-this-because-it's-hurting-me vs I-don't-want-to-wear-this-because-I'm-in-a-mood. The two probably get pretty tangled up in their heads and overlap or one painful attribute gets convoluted with another (the shirt with the scratchy neck had pockets and therefor all shirts with pockets are bad). With my dd I finally figured out that a lot of the clothing tantrums were because she really wanted to wear something that she liked the look of but when she got it on something about it hurt her. She would spend a good deal of time laying out an outfit on the floor, including the matching headband, put it all on, then take it off, then put together another, then take that off, etc, getting more and more agitated, and then having a fit and rejecting everything saying that there was nothing to wear -- but in her mind there _was_ nothing to wear because all the things that she wanted to wear weren't comfortable. Or we'd get something new and she'd say oh yes yes yes it's fine, wear it once, and the next time it wasn't comfortable (shoes are the biggest culprit for this) -- and I think that's real too. The excitement and love of the new thing made it tolerable, but it really wasn't. Once I sifted through all her reactions to find out what her true criteria for comfort were and provided only those options in her closet, the drama decreased greatly and she is mostly able to find something for herself to wear every day without trouble. So her wardrobe is pretty limited and I'm pretty picky about what we buy but that isn't hard to manage. We still have our moments and I go to the "these are the clothes you have available to wear" or pick something for her and let her emotion flow, but it's not very often. And unfortunately, what she finds comfortable is a somewhat moving target with shifts that are often coinciding with growth spurts. I don't feel I was bamboozled by dd and I don't think even a compassionate hard line of these are the clothes you have would have been fair to dd.

I'm not saying that this it the OP's dd's issue, but for some kids it isn't just trying to assert their control, make everyone jump through hoops, etc., and the difficulty in getting dressed or choosing clothes might mean something.


I agree with the above. I think the first thing you need to do is figure out whether your DD is highly sensitive. If so, she likely has REAL, not imagined, discomfort with her clothing. The solution to that is to take what she already has in her closet and get rid of everything she has ever taken issue with. Don't make it available as an option for her or you. Then, if necessary, get more of the identical items that don't bother her so she has enough things to wear when something else is dirty. If she IS highly sensitive, quick transitions or a time limit on getting dressed is going to freak her out. Prepare ahead of time as much as possible. Say an hour before you have to leave, tell her that it will be time to get dressed soon. Like "Ok, after you eat your breakfast it is going to be time to go to your room and get dressed." Then after breakfast, go with her to her room to get dressed. Give her two options. "Do you want to wear the purple dress or the blue dress today?" Give her a bit to decide. If she says "I want the green dress." Then let her wear the green dress, but do so with the full communication that if you put on the green dress, that is what you are wearing today. Do not stand there for countless hours letting her change her mind. Afterall, you already know that every item in her closet is comfortable for her. If she freaks out, you should try to calm her with words of understanding "I know you like the pink dress. I like it too. But you picked the green dress. The green dress is also one of your favorites. You can wear your pink dress tomorrow if you would like. It is almost time to leave now, so I need to you stop crying so that we can brush your hair and get your shoes on."

If she isn't highly sensitive, then I think you are getting played. It sounds like there are way too many options for her. Maybe try purging her closet to 5 outfits. Put everything else in the garage until the issue gets better, and only add things back in slowly until the clothing issue gets better. Of course, there will be some new issue like food or sleeping or bathing or hair brushing, but that's what makes this parenting thing so much fun, huh?


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EdnaMarie* 
I'm not you. Your daughter is not my daughter.

But if that were my home, this is what would happen:

"Here are your choices. Choose. You will wear it for the day. Period." I don't care how much she tantrumed. I mean hours... that is fine for me. If she started hitting me because of it, I put myself in time out. If she destroyed things, they get taken away. If she's naked, I put an overcoat on her and literally carry her to the car if I must, she can stay in the stroller in the store if it comes to that.

The. End.

I agree. You are letting your three year old rule the house and the tone of your home with her misbehavior over the clothing issue. Take a new hardline stance and nip this in the bud NOW!


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

I'm not saying that this it the OP's dd's issue, but for some kids it isn't just trying to assert their control, make everyone jump through hoops, etc., and the difficulty in getting dressed or choosing clothes might mean something.
I agree completely, and as someone that really gets irritated by certain fabrics, I appreciate that my mom empathised with this. About 95% of my clothes are cotton or linen. I have only just recently learned to wear synthetics for summer dresses because I don't have time to iron, and believe me, I feel it every second of the day.

However, from what I read in the OP's post, fabrics, flexibility, etc. do not seem to be an issue except for some articles of clothing in particular, and these tastes change often.

So I think that is why most of us are suggesting that this is where her daughter has decided to assert control.

If, however, she notices that it is very much a comfort thing (in my experience, tightness, looseness, and natural sources of fabric are usually the big thing in sensory issues with clothes, as is refusal to cover certain body parts like feet or shoulders) then of course that should be addressed.


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## MisaGoat (Jul 10, 2006)

I would set limits with her.

I let my son pick out his own clothes for the most part as long as they meet the basic requirements:clean, daytime clothes(not pjs) and weather appropriate (to an extent). The days I pick out his clothes because he isn't getting ready he sometimes gets upset but I remind him that if he wants to wear something else he needs to pick it out in a timely manner.

I would not be buying her lots of clothes, she might be overwhelmed by choices. Go through her clothes when you have time and thin out the clothing she never wears and set up the new limits with her.

Example this week: One morning before preschool he didn't want to get dressed so I dressed him and we went to preschool. He threw a tantrum, I stayed calm and explained to him what was happening, but it did not change what we were doing; getting dressed and going to preschool.

The next day the same thing happened but it was over quicker. I talked to him about it later in the day and he said he didn't want to wear the clothes I picked out. I told him if he wants to wear different clothes he needs to tell me that is what he is upset about and get dressed on time. He is able to pick out his clothes and dress himself.

I also let him purchase clothing or be involved in the clothing purchased for him. For a while he only wanted to wear tie-pants (pants that had an elastic waistband and ties) or pocket t-shirts or plain white t-shirts. So when I bought him new clothes I did take those preferences into consideration


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

both of mine are like this from about 2. dd is 8 and ds is almost 4. when i say get dressed i will say shirt/longsleeved/tank top and shorts/pants. when it is cold out or the dress/skirt is too short she must wear tights or leggings under it. one rule pick in set time or i pick and you must wear it for the day. oh ya and it may not be a nice day but i have to set some limits. when dd picks a outfit at the store and then desides she dont like it for whatever reason. tough luck you will wear it like it or not. when i make her wear what i want she will be in a snit all day.

when they started throwing fits is when i start playing my game







. i will go as long as i can without doing laundry. i wouldnt wash their clothing till they were really out of clothing. i dont do laundry alot because i would see the same clothing every 2 days. may it be one outfit or 3 all clothing must be placed in laundry at end of day. its dirty and may not be worn till it is washed.


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## MamieCole (Jun 1, 2007)

I don't think it needs to be a harsh crackdown "my way or the highway" kind of thing. I think most kids respond better to situations where they feel they have some control. I wouldn't want someone telling me what to wear every day without taking my preferences into consideration. I can't imagine a child likes that either.

I do think limits need to be set and boundaries needs to be drawn, but that could and should be done WITH the child's input.

If mom sat the child down during a time of non-stress, when it isn't about getting dressed, child is fed, not tired, not heavily involved in an activity and said "DD, you know how when it is time to get dressed we have a lot of problems? You get upset and frustrated and mommy gets frustrated and we end up being late to fun things that we want to enjoy...what do you think about trying to figure out a better way to handle getting dressed so that we can both be happy and get to where we need to go on time?"

Even at 3, chances are a child will be pretty receptive to at least talking about it. Ask her if she has any ideas about how to make things better. Suggest things as an option (even if you know you are already going to do it) to make it seem like her idea. "You have a lot of dresses in your closet that you don't seem to enjoy wearing, let's pick out 10 things that you don't like and put them in this box and keep them in the garage for a while. That will make more room in your closet and help keep you from feeling so overwhelmed when it is time to get dressed."

Give her small choices. Instead of giving her free reign over every item in the closet and telling her to pick one from dozens, narrow it down and give her just a few options. Give her choices that she still has some say and feels like she has some power. "Getting dressed when we have to go somewhere is not an option. So when it is time to get dressed, would you like to do it by yourself or have mommy help?"

I'm not expecting that she will be all happy and cooperative instantly. But over time, if you implement lots of conversations, make small changes and set up the environment and the adult's behavior in a way that increases the chances of a successful outcome, it will slowly get better and better.

It might seem easier to say "Wear this dress. Now. Period. Cause I said so." And I guess you can physically MAKE her. But I think that is setting yourself up for more problems down the line. What you want is a child who makes good choices, is cooperative and impacts the family in an overall positive way. Neither being a dictator nor a doormat will give you that result.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

I don't think it needs to be a harsh crackdown "my way or the highway" kind of thing.
I don't think anyone is suggesting that. Everyone here has suggested that she gets a choice at least one time per day.

Quote:

Give her choices that she still has some say and feels like she has some power. "Getting dressed when we have to go somewhere is not an option. So when it is time to get dressed, would you like to do it by yourself or have mommy help?"
Some children do not respond to this kind of invented choice when they really are interested in having a power struggle or getting their way. Maybe the OP's daughter would. I know mine doesn't. She will repeat her initial desire ad nauseum. It's pretty irritating.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EdnaMarie* 
I don't think anyone is suggesting that. Everyone here has suggested that she gets a choice at least one time per day.










Well, actually I did. What I suggested was giving her lots of choices in all the other aspects of her life, the ones that aren't currently a source of enormous friction. And then just removing the choice for this one particular issue.

I do understand sensory sensitivities. My DD1 was and is highly sensitive. She is six now, and can't wear jeans, can't wear undies with tags in them or exposed elastic, can't sleep with pyjamas on (sleeps naked, and I'm fine with that), can't tolerate socks unless it's REALLY cold, and then only to go outside. She has a long lists of sensitivities, and I've worked with her on all of them, choosing clothes that she agrees she can wear.

What I noticed, though, was that the OPs child's choosiness about clothing seems to be very random, and seems to change so frequently, that it seemed to me like the issue had just become one of control, rather than sensitivity. And I have no issues with allowing a child control over the issues that directly affect her. But when that need for control starts interfering with everybody else's right to get on with their day, then it may be time for a change. There's nothing wrong with some structure and a few rules-- some kids really need the guidance.


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## crowcaw (Jan 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra* 








I do understand sensory sensitivities. My DD1 was and is highly sensitive. She is six now, and can't wear jeans, can't wear undies with tags in them or exposed elastic, can't sleep with pyjamas on (sleeps naked, and I'm fine with that), can't tolerate socks unless it's REALLY cold, and then only to go outside. She has a long lists of sensitivities, and I've worked with her on all of them, choosing clothes that she agrees she can wear.

What I noticed, though, was that the OPs child's choosiness about clothing seems to be very random, and seems to change so frequently, that it seemed to me like the issue had just become one of control, rather than sensitivity. And I have no issues with allowing a child control over the issues that directly affect her. But when that need for control starts interfering with everybody else's right to get on with their day, then it may be time for a change. There's nothing wrong with some structure and a few rules-- some kids really need the guidance.

I think sometimes with young ones it hard to separate senstivity from other things and if the child can't articulate what's going on the frequent mind changing and increasing lists of criteria can be a symptom of a sensitivity. I only brought it up because the OP's dd's list of criteria, both in specifics and order of appearance, matched what went on with my dd and it took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Again, I'm not saying that it is the problem for the OP but for our family not initially recognizing the sensitivity -- because it kind of crept up on us with dd and though she is now pretty text book "highly sensitive," the signs weren't always there -- it took a while to pick apart in the behavior what was a result of sensitivity vs control/boundary seeking. There was definitely some of both in there. And I agree that rules are good. In our house accomodation of the sensitivity issues includes (but is not limited to) rules because dd is still not able to self-regulate her wants in regard to dress vs her body's tolerance.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I'm all about giving kids autonomy and choices, but at some point it isn't a need for choices, it's just a tantrum. And this sounds more like she's having tantrums to me. She hasn't learned the concept of futility, and I think kids, particularly 3 and 3.5-year-olds, keep pushing the envelope looking for that concept, and have tantrums until they understand it. I don't see it as a behavior problem, it's just how 3.5-year-olds are, and I wouldn't get upset or punish for her having a tantrum, but there's no point offering a tantruming child choices. You have to just let her go through the tantrum before you can get past it. After she's had the tanturm and has had some snuggles and re-connected, offering choices could help.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra* 







Well, actually I did.

Oh! LOL. I guess I was not reading some of the posts that deeply. They all seemed balanced in general.

Quote:

What I noticed, though, was that the OPs child's choosiness about clothing seems to be very random, and seems to change so frequently, that it seemed to me like the issue had just become one of control, rather than sensitivity.
I agree with this. A sensitive child (or adult







) will often wear the same comfy clothes until they are ragged.


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## junipermuse (Nov 1, 2006)

Wow Thanks everyone for all the advice and insight. You know I think for dd it is a combination of wanting to be in control and also a bit of some true sensitivities too. If she had the option the item she would wear everyday is a soft comfy nightgown my mom made for her. Even if we go out and she's wearing a clean dress, as soon as we come home she wants to put the nightgown back on because its comfy. The issue with shoes is also because she doesn't like them to be too big. I've had her feet measured and she consistently asks to wear shoes that are too small. I think she may be seeking greater sensory input. She likes her shoes really tight and that's why she likes to wear them on the wrong feet, so that they feel tighter on her. Originally I started buying clothes to meet her demands because I had always just picked out what I thought was cute, I felt it was reasonable that I buy things that she liked once she started caring about what she wears. However it was when I noticed that she refused things repeatedly that she herself helped pick out, that I realized we had a real problem.

But she also has control issues. And I do think that there are times she wants to fight or needs the drama of a battle. I'm going to be more consistent and more firm. I don't care what she wears at home and she can change her clothes if she likes as long as she doesn't make me help her (I certainly don't want a battle trying to stop her from changing her clothes on her own) and she must clean up after herself. If we are going out we get dressed once and we don't change again. We also only wear clean clothes.

Yesterday when we were leaving on an outing she wanted to change shoes and I said "no." She started tantruming and I just decided to help her go along with out original plans whether or not she was cooperating. I gave her one chance to get in her carseat herself (she hates when I put her in) and then I just put her in myself. She actually calmed down much faster than she did the other day. I think that I just need to be more consistent and firm.

As far as choices I have already gone through and taken out most of the clothes in her closet. She only has about 8 dresses, 3 nightgowns, and 3 shirts and 3 pairs of leggings. I think maybe it would help to get her own laundry hamper though so it's not all mixed up with everyone else's laundry then I can just do her laundry once a week and she'll know she has to wear something clean in the meantime.

Thanks again.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

How much fun is this age? Huh?

My mom used to say "You shouldn't even let her choose what she wears". LOL.. "Yes, that would go over great mom... thanks"

My daughter is 18, and still will not wear shirts with sleeves. She'll wear tank tops all year long, and if it's cold, she takes a hoodie with her. She still wears socks that are very soft and thin.

The _*"I want what I want, and not what I already have, but if you get what I want, I won't want that anymore, I'll want the first thing you tried"*_ stage goes away. But, the pickiness doesn't always go away. It gets easier to deal with though.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Well that is interesting about the nightgown. Does she have Chuck Taylor shoes? They make cute ones and you can lace them really tight (which I like). Keens sneakers also feel snug on some feet.

Birkenstocks sandals also hug the feet and you can buckle them tight.

They are pricey but they can be handed down, come in unisex styles (brown Birks, black Converse All Stars or Chuck Taylors) so IMO it can be worth it.


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## KatWozBlue (Dec 21, 2009)

My dd started doing the same thing right after she turned 3 and one of my closest friends is a child developmental expert and she said simply "eliminate the choice", she obviously can't handle having a choice, she gets anxiety, it becomes a battle, eliminate the choice.

So we did several things:

1. Took her "school shoe" shopping, those are the one and only pair of shoes she wears to school each day
2. Made a "we don't wear dresses to school" rule, so she wears comfy shorts, or skorts, but no dresses
3. Set up a chair by the front door where at night, I choose her clothes for her and place them there with her shoes/socks. For the first week it was a battle, but I would keep repeating, "that's your outfit for today", and eventually she got used to going to her red chair and getting her clothes on
4. When she comes home, she gets to change into a dress, or dress up clothes, whatever she'd like

After about a week, it really helped and she did almost seem relieved to not have to battle anymore about it.

Good luck!


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Thrift store? For the play clothes at least? If it's a matter of needing/wanting "new"


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## junipermuse (Nov 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Thrift store? For the play clothes at least? If it's a matter of needing/wanting "new"

Actually we do this, sort of. I've mostly bought her used clothes or she gets new dresses that my mother sews. I'm still bothered though by the waste, I have trouble keeping up with getting old stuff out of the house and it's frustrating to have a closet full of clothes that she refuses to wear.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *junipermuse* 
Actually we do this, sort of. I've mostly bought her used clothes or she gets new dresses that my mother sews. I'm still bothered though by the waste, I have trouble keeping up with getting old stuff out of the house and it's frustrating to have a closet full of clothes that she refuses to wear.

I think every child has the right to clothes that do not itch or bother her physically, but I do not think that they have the right to get new wardrobes constantly.

What clothes does your DD have (brand/material/sleeve length, I see you already listed other info above)? Is it very soft cotton? What material is that nightgown? Would it be possible for you to talk with her about wanting her to be comfortable, but also not being able to help her dress several times a day?


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## junipermuse (Nov 1, 2006)

things have been better the last couple of days. She has been choosing her own clothes, but has been choosing a new clean dress everyday and hasn't been changing outfits. She asked to go home after we were at the park yesterday because she wanted to change clothes before going to preschool and I just said no, we went to the grocery store instead. I thought she'd throw a fit but she didn't.


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