# "How many children do you have?"



## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

Does anyone else cringe at this question? When you answer, do you include your loss(es)? I feel like I'm somehow betraying my baby by not mentioning her, but I know it would be weird, in today's social context to include her, yk? Every time I answer, "Three" my heart aches because there was a fourth and I'm leaving her out.

And then the political me thinks that I should mention her even if it makes people uncomfortable because maybe it will make miscarriage less of a taboo topic.

What do you think? What do you do?


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I pretty much always say that I have one child who died at birth.
In rare instances I won't say that- like if I'm being asked in a group of people and the point is clearly to find out who has living children and I know there will be a follow up question about those living children.


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## polka hop (Dec 23, 2003)

*


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

This is in a poem I wrote about losing our first.

How many children do you have?
It stings my heart, I need a salve.

I always answer, I have two living children. The curious ask. The rest let it go by.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

Boy, does this question sting!!!

I pretty much follow ST's post but anytime I don't acknowledge my son, I feel guilty for weeks.


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## dolphinsdive (Jan 16, 2005)

Today was the first time since my m/c that I had to tell how many children I have and I answered two sons. There was so much pain and guilt in my heart for not acknowledging my child. Life is at conception.
This is an issue that I can not discuss with everyone. This is how I judge if I can tell someone or not, is this a person I can share this with and be prepared for their response.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

It depends on who is asking....and if I have the energy to answer.

Technically, I have 4 children, 2 living.

Thanks for asking.


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## Forevermama (Aug 12, 2002)

I haven't been asked that since I lost Noah...not really sure how I will answer it. I guess it depends on the person asking and my mood. I know I'm having issues with my e-mail siggy, if I include him in it, it feels kind of awkward, if I don't I feel guilty.


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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

At this point in my life, I answer three daughters. If people inquire for details, I tell them. I don't know if this will change over time, how I answer....but my third daughter lived within me for nine months, I feel like I lose her again and again if I do not include her. She is a part of our family even in her death. I have not been asked much. I hate that death, especially of babies is so taboo. I don't throw it in people's faces, but if they ask, I will tell them.


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

I just respond about the living children, but it doesn't bother me to do so. My husband's aunt lost her daughter when her girl was 16 in a car accident, and when I hear strangers ask how many children she has, and she says "three sons," I always wonder how much that must hurt. Those who know her can see and hear the silence, but I don't think strangers notice.

I would also not go into detail about children who've passed away because it often embarrasses people who, as someone pointed out, are probably just making idle, friendly conversation. Mentioning the dead would take them off guard and perhaps leave them feeling awkward and unsure of how to respond. But that's just me. I'm sure those who do mention their spirit children have found the best ways to do so.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i usually say 1 live one and leave it at that. most people end the conversation there and a few do inquire further (usually people that have had losses themselves).

it is a hard thing, i agree with others i don't want people to feel uncomfortable but the flip side of that is their discomfort is nothing compared to the pain of losing a child. as a society we need to better accept that death happens and honor our babies lives no matter how short they were.

tara


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

This is the question I dread the most.

I usually say "one", because I don't care to share those emotions with strangers/aquaintences. But, a flit of guilt always runs through my mind.

Although I have found that my first ds can be mentioned without hard emotions coming up. For instance, at a restaurant the other day, the waiter came up and said, "Hi, I'm Keith. I'll be your server." My ds (almost 4) piped up, "My brother's name is Keith". They had a nice little conversation about names.

And even though I count my miscarriages as my children to myself, I never do with other people.

So, here, I will say it. I have 3 sons and a daughter.


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## NatureMama3 (Feb 25, 2004)

To be honest? I only answer my 3 living. It would be too depressing to ME to have to always say 17, but only 3 are alive.







(2 of my losses have been twins)


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, mamas. I should know by now that, in anything I'm feeling, I have company. I see that I do need to take it case by case and adjust my answer depending on who's asking and why. I'm not sure exactly how I'll word it yet, but you've given me ideas about how to mention her gently.

Peace to you all.


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## Saramomofmany (Sep 3, 2003)

Whew, I'm not the only one. I was actually heading over to this forum to ask the same question. For me it depends on the situation. If it's in person, I'm less likely to include my 2 losses because it's hard for me to talk about, but I do feel guilty if I don't acknowledge them. If it's on the internet, I usually mention the two that I miscarried. My id is Saramomofmany and my email address starts momofmany and so many people that email me ask oh how many are you mom of....it brings a twinge of sadness to my heart when they ask, but I do mention all 5 of my children.


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

This is hard for me too--I'm pregnant with my "first"--I had a miscarriage at seven weeks (at the beginning of August) right before this pregnancy (which was conceived in September)...sometimes, when asked if this is my first, I say, "This is my second pregnancy, the first one, tragically, ended in a miscarriage. We're feeling like everything is going well with this one--and can't wait to hold our little boy in our arms!" Because I'm not "guarenteed" this baby (even though I love and cherish him)--I'm still cautious about answering the nasty question of how many children I have. In my, and my husband's minds, we believe this is our second child--even though everyone is treating it like our first. If anyone has advise about what to do when pregnant after miscarriage--and you're still pregnant--and how to answer that--it would be GREATLY appreciated!


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## loon13 (Dec 2, 2002)

I get asked this question EVERY TIME I go to the doctor. We're military and so every time I go to the clinic, there is always a different person who takes your blood pressure, temp, etc, before the doc sees you. It is routine for them to always ask the same questions (i.e "Do you smoke? Do you drink?") etc.

For the women, they always ask "When was the date of your last period?" "How many times have you been pregnant?" "How many children do you have?"

It was hard at first, when my miscarriage was still fresh in my mind. Even after dd was born, I still hated having to bring up the matter again. Not because i didn't want to acknowledge my first, but because it was and still is, painful.

Only once did one guy jump the question. When i told him that I had been pregnant twice. He said "Okay, so you have 2 children?" I told him, no, that one of the pregnancies ended in miscarriage. He turned very red and apologized. I was upset at first, but then I thought, he certainly won't assume that question again!

And mrsfatty, i think your answer is fine. I think it makes people aware that the question is not as innocent sounding as they think. Only those who have suffered loss seem to know not to ask such questions.

Loon


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## Hey Mama! (Dec 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loon13*
I get asked this question EVERY TIME I go to the doctor. We're military and so every time I go to the clinic, there is always a different person who takes your blood pressure, temp, etc, before the doc sees you. It is routine for them to always ask the same questions (i.e "Do you smoke? Do you drink?") etc.

For the women, they always ask "When was the date of your last period?" "How many times have you been pregnant?" "How many children do you have?"

It was hard at first, when my miscarriage was still fresh in my mind. Even after dd was born, I still hated having to bring up the matter again. Not because i didn't want to acknowledge my first, but because it was and still is, painful.

Only once did one guy jump the question. When i told him that I had been pregnant twice. He said "Okay, so you have 2 children?" I told him, no, that one of the pregnancies ended in miscarriage. He turned very red and apologized. I was upset at first, but then I thought, he certainly won't assume that question again!

And mrsfatty, i think your answer is fine. I think it makes people aware that the question is not as innocent sounding as they think. Only those who have suffered loss seem to know not to ask such questions.

Loon

I am military too, but I just lie now. It's easier that way. When I said I had two miscarriages before having dd #1 they ask, how do you know? Was it confirmed by a doctor? I hate all the questions so I just say I've been been pregnant two times,and have two children.


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

It's still so soon after that I haven't had to deal with this much yet.

I have 5 children. 3 boys and 2 girls, and 1 of my boys is not with me. I have figured I'll probably just say 4 to strangers, and only go into any more detail with people who I'm likely to have some kind of relationship with (new families in Bible study group, new families in the neighborhood with kids who will be playing with our kids, etc.) otherwise it'd be painful for me and for them to go into detail.

We'll always have 5 children though (unless someday we have 6!)

Kathryn


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## mrsfatty (Dec 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loon13*

And mrsfatty, i think your answer is fine. I think it makes people aware that the question is not as innocent sounding as they think. Only those who have suffered loss seem to know not to ask such questions.

Loon

Thanks!


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I always tell people I have one daughter. I don't usually mention my early, early miscarriage because I miscarried at 4 weeks and I only knew I was pregnant for about a week. I hadn't even gotten used to the idea of being pregnant yet. But I know Mary Rose. I know her personality and she is my daughter. To not acknowledge her existance for the sake of another persons comfort seems blasphemous to me. But that is me. Every one has to find their own comfort level.
Gossamer


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I used to always acknowledge Amanda when answering that question. Now I do say I have 2. I don't even know when it happend? If it's somone I'm going to have contact with again, I usually say I had 3 and one is no longer with us. They usually ask or say I'm sorry and we move forward. If it's someone chit-catting at the grocery, I don't.

I do cringe when I hear "you have the PERFECT family! One girl and One boy! It makes my skin crawl.

It's funny though, my kids will correct me often. They'll say "we have a sister too, but she died". It's so matter-o-fact with them.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

Ugh, the 'perfect' family comment, I hate that one.









I say, I have one boy and one girl, and leave it at that. It's not worth it to try to explain everything to people who either don't care or who I will never see again.

What I would like to say, but rarely do is:

I have two living children. I've had three losses, but lost four children, the last loss was twins.

In my heart, I always say, I have six children.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gossamer*
I always tell people I have one daughter. I don't usually mention my early, early miscarriage because I miscarried at 4 weeks and I only knew I was pregnant for about a week.


I know this is an old thread but this has been really eating at me. When ppl ask if we are having more children I say "No, I've been pregnant 4 times in 3 years. I think I need a break". Most of them get the subtle hint. But I know I have 4 children and only 2 living but I just can't seem to think that I'm allowed to claim them as mine since they were only with me for a short time but I just can't bring myself to leave them out.

TO me it is harder when they say "Are these your only 2?" Then I generally say, "We lost 2 in between."


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

Just wanted to chime in. . .

We just lost a baby at 10.5 weeks in December. I found out right away so had been very used to the idea of being pg and welcoming this new little person into our lives.

When people ask me how many children I have I reply, "One" as in my DS. Then occasionally a busy body will have to say , "JUSt ONE?" and follow by advising me not to space my children too far apart because they won't know eachother







and I really really want to pinch these women.

Sometimes just to make them feel guilty I will say, "Well, we just had a loss" which usually makes them shut up. People who haven't lost children have no idea what a loaded question that is.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joan*
Does anyone else cringe at this question? When you answer, do you include your loss(es)? I feel like I'm somehow betraying my baby by not mentioning her, but I know it would be weird, in today's social context to include her, yk? Every time I answer, "Three" my heart aches because there was a fourth and I'm leaving her out.

And then the political me thinks that I should mention her even if it makes people uncomfortable because maybe it will make miscarriage less of a taboo topic.

What do you think? What do you do?

Although I have not lost a baby, I have had three of my children adopted from me. I feel that same twinge when asked how many children I have. Do I include my birthchildren? Or just Kailey? Am I betraying them by not mentioning them when asked? I realize our circumstances are different, but I do understand and empathize with you. Generally I only mention Kailey, as it is what most people will understand and not be an intivation to a thousand questions and judgments.


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## jetsmom (Feb 24, 2005)

this is a very difficult question for me, that may get easier with time. i had my first child march 21,2004. an uneventful, but lovely, homebirth. when my daughter jet was 5 mos old, she died - due to a genetic illness that neither my husband nor i had ever heard of, but we are both carriers.
i am pregnant again - 18 weeks now. we know this new one will not be affected by the illness, thank goodness.
people often ask if i am pregnant with my first. i feel bad no matter how i answer. sometimes i take a little pleasure in shocking them when they thought they were asking an innocent question. i feel bad if i mention her, bad if i dont. depends on the situation.
recently i was on a plane & started talking to the guy next to me. didnt want to get into with him, so said it was my first. he spent the next half hour telling me what a pregnancy was like and how becoming a parent changes your life - "when you first see your child..." i wanted to scream. partly its my pride - i know i know, i think i know everything. frankly i think it will always be a loaded question for me. not sure what i'll do for her birthday next month...


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I am dreading facing this question. I don't know the right way to answer it. I don't want my older children to think I am denying their little brother, and I don't want to either...but right now the mention of him has me sobbing.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

I have not had anyone ask me this yet. Probably since I have been hold up in the house. But I too find that it is going to be difficult to respond too, seems how I cannot control my emotions even when I try to get out an o.k. when people ask me how I am. I don't think they expect me to break down like I do, but then again do they really want to know how I am doing? As for the question.. I will reply (for now) that I have one son Luke who was born still on 2/10/2005.

Jenna- hang in there, we are all right here with you.


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## goodjoan (Jan 8, 2005)

My grandmother, when asked how many grandchildren she had, would reply I have X grandchildren, Y great grandchildren (the number changes still!) and 2 angels!

I always though that was such a wonderful way to remember those 2 children without it being too akward. The numbers all jived if anyone was counting, and she never felt guilty for not putting them on her list!


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