# Son afraid of losing to a girl in grappling match



## Rebca (Jan 16, 2016)

Hello, i need some advice in an unusual situation:
My son (16) is attending a mixed grappling match at school next weekend and has unfortunately to compete with the tallest girl from school. He's now afraid he might lose because he's on the short side (~5'7) and rather untrained, while she is allegedly 6'2, trained and plays volleyball (i've seen her a few times and must admit, her height can be a bit 'intimidating', although she's only 15). So quite a difference here. He's also not a fighter actually, he began the grappling because of his friend.

Now, my husband and i of course encourage him to attend the match, whatsoever. But tbh i really don't know what to expect, is the size difference a disadvantage at all ? Does it play a role, or is he just too anxious? I don't want to send him into something though that might embarrass him in front of half the school, his friends and the parents. 

Thanks for any advice or opinion.


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## farmermomma (Oct 30, 2012)

Sounds like she should win to me. What's the problem? Why would it be so embarrassing to lose to a better athlete?


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## Rebca (Jan 16, 2016)

Well, of course the better athlete should win ! but it's a girl in this case, and kids that age definitely have the role models in mind, whereas the man is stronger. You think the height factor is crucial here ? My hopes are that he is a boy and thus still stronger even than a tall girl ?


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## farmermomma (Oct 30, 2012)

Maybe she'll have a crush on him and play princess and let him win. 

Let's hear it for women's equality!


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

I would think that her advantage would lie more in being the more experienced fighter than any height difference. 

FWIW my 14 yo dd has participated in a combat sport for several years in which she's usually the smallest, youngest (most are adults and older teens), and outnumbered by males and there's no shame in losing to her.  The only way it comes up at all is newer players holding back at first. If the grappling teams are co-ed it really shouldn't be an issue.


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## Rebca (Jan 16, 2016)

Hello and thank you!
If your small daughter has won against adult men, then there is hope 
I think he said she's not long in the team either, so i guess and hope not very experienced. Its just down to the physics as i see it.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Rebca said:


> My hopes are that he is a boy and thus still stronger even than a tall girl ?


I hope she wins. No offense, but if she is the better athlete (and that clearly seems to be the case based on your post) then she deserves to win, especially if you are hoping he defeats her to spare him the embarrassment of losing to a girl.


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## Rebca (Jan 16, 2016)

No offense taken, but i'm astonished about the criticism on my opinion.
Maybe i wasn't clear - it's not about that he MUST win against a girl no matter what. 
What i'm trying is to figure out his chances against THIS opponent, and then decide how to convince/encourage him. 
And of course i hope he wins, i'm his mother.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Rebca said:


> No offense taken, but i'm astonished about the criticism on my opinion.
> Maybe i wasn't clear - it's not about that he MUST win against a girl no matter what.
> What i'm trying is to figure out his chances against THIS opponent, and then decide how to convince/encourage him.
> And of course i hope he wins, i'm his mother.


Your title is "Son afraid of losing to a girl in grappling match" - if it was just winning against the next opponent because he wanted to win why point out that the opponent is a girl. 
We can't tell you his chances or what the best strategy would be - we have no clue who is the better player. All that you can tell him is to play his best and if he does that the final outcome will be one he can be proud of, even if he does lose to a girl.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

There is no shame in losing to a larger and better trained opponent. He should be ashamed of worrying about "losing to a girl".


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## WallaWallaMamma (Dec 14, 2013)

Good chance for him to learn good sportsmanship, and not take a loss to heart. Having a sense of humor about societal norms is hard at that age, but you could help by not playing up the gender factor.


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## Rebca (Jan 16, 2016)

So far, thanks to you all for the response! I see your point, and realize i chose a bad title indeed as it almost turned into a discussion about sexism.

It should have been "son is afraid to fight a much taller opponent"....the fact that it's a girl is only bad in the way that some kids may make fun of it. 
He himself has absolutely no problem to fight a girl and wouldn't have entered otherwise. (I bet tho he was sure to win before he know which girl it was









So the question for him is, does a significant height difference matter in any way, and can i take that "sorrow" away somehow

It was maybe wrong to expect any conclusive answers...like i said i was hoping that as a boy he's quite certain to win and find this confirmed here, now your opinions tend to vote for her. 
I'll consider that and prepare him for any outcome.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

There's definitely an advantage to the taller and heavier person in wrestling matches. It's why these things tend to be divided up by weight class.

But you just have to think of her like any other opponent.


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## wildmonkeys (Oct 4, 2004)

I understand why this could be hard for the poster's son.




My son wrestles and I don't think the boys view the girls like any other opponent in this sport. He doesn't mind competing against (and losing to) a girl in swimming, running, soccer, basketball, academics, music competitions, but I think that a sport where their bodies are touching so much is uncomfortable for many adolescents.






My son has also told me that he doesn't want to wrestle a girl because he would be uncomfortable winning - it doesn't seem like he should be pinning a girl down or knocking her off her feet. He isn't used to it and it would be out of line most of the time whereas he and his friends who are boys play rough all the time. Also, there could be concern that the girl will be a poor sport. The times I have seen girls win a wrestling match over a boy there is a very accepted "way to show that boy a lesson" "show the boys how it is done" vibe that I haven't observed when a boy loses to another boy. Nobody likes to be used to make a point.


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## oldsmom (Jul 8, 2015)

My youngest stepson used to be in martial arts. He was very good, and was able to win almost every match. As such, he got sent to represent his dojo at a regional competition. At the time, he was maybe 4'5" tall, and a super skinny string bean. At the competition, he lost to a teen-age girl who was taller, stronger, and better skilled. 

It wasn't even on our radar to worry about gender, and I don't think anyone else thought about it either. He was fine. He was upset he lost, but I never got the impression he was upset that he lost to a girl.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

Good point wildmonkeys; I wonder if part of his worry is the full body contact awkwardness. Although if the team has always been co-ed I suppose they get used to it.


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## Rebca (Jan 16, 2016)

@wildmonkeys



> it doesn't seem like he should be pinning a girl down or knocking her off her feet.


strange, i haven't thought if this might be an issue as well...but very much possible.



> there is a very accepted "way to show that boy a lesson" "show the boys how it is done" vibe that I haven't observed when a boy loses to another boy. Nobody likes to be used to make a point.


very good point indeed !

@oldsmom



oldsmom said:


> My youngest stepson used to be in martial arts. He was very good, and was able to win almost every match. As such, he got sent to represent his dojo at a regional competition. At the time, he was maybe 4'5" tall, and a super skinny string bean. At the competition, he lost to a teen-age girl who was taller, stronger, and better skilled.


Oh no, this doesn't sound too promising. I guess your stepson was younger than the girl ? Do you think the height difference was more decisive than their skills (as i think strength comes with height/weight, or how did you know she was stronger) ?


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## SecondtimeMama (Jun 15, 2015)

Is he planning to be completely foolish and make a big deal about how she can't possibly win because she's a girl? Didn't think so, in which case it'll be fine.

If a sexist jerk does give him grief about losing "to a girl", he just needs to look at them like they're something smelly he found on the bottom of his shoe and say something like "what does her being a girl have to do with anything?" and then "No, I still don't get it, what's your point?" over and over.


(Sadly, he won't get credit for winning against a more skilled opponent if he does win.)


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## Rebca (Jan 16, 2016)

SecondtimeMama said:


> Is he planning to be completely foolish and make a big deal about how she can't possibly win because she's a girl? Didn't think so, in which case it'll be fine.
> 
> If a sexist jerk does give him grief about losing "to a girl", he just needs to look at them like they're something smelly he found on the bottom of his shoe and say something like "what does her being a girl have to do with anything?" and then "No, I still don't get it, what's your point?" over and over.
> 
> (Sadly, he won't get credit for winning against a more skilled opponent if he does win.)


Hey thank you ! This is close to what i told him actually... i hope he wouldn't mind those kids who do.
As it turned out, he also had a conflict with that girl some time ago, she's obviously a bit of a bully. Just a few days left and the headache over...


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## takeshikl (Dec 22, 2015)

When I first read the thread title, I thought "a mom's afraid to lose..."
Then I found out it's your son...

Well, I have a son as well (only 2yr old tho), and the gender issue (which is perhaps the biggest global topic recently) is sth to be considered.
But I do not think it's such a big problem to lose a game to a girl, if the only issue was gender.

I mean, there are plenty of chances men lose to women.
If there are anyone to make fun of him abt this, or to make your son's day miserable just because of this win-lose in an athletic game, they can all go play tennis vs Serena Williams, and I guess most of them will be treated with the same defeat.
Just my thought.


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## takeshikl (Dec 22, 2015)

When I first read the thread title, I thought "a mom's afraid to lose..."
Then I found out it's your son...

Well, I have a son as well (only 2yr old tho), and the gender issue (which is perhaps the biggest global topic recently) is sth to be considered.
But I do not think it's such a big problem to lose a game to a girl, if the only issue was gender.

I mean, there are plenty of chances men lose to women.
If there are anyone to make fun of him abt this, or to make your son's day miserable just because of this win-lose in an athletic game, they can all go play tennis vs Serena Williams, and I guess most of them will be treated with the same defeat.
Just my thought.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

So does he actually want to go to this meet? Is he worried about what others will think of him on the team? If he isn't particularly skilled and is smaller, it seems odd that they would match him up with a heavier, taller opponent, unless she is the closest to his weight, and the best of the possible opponents he could get.

Given the ingrained ideas about sex and gender, it doesn't seem at all surprising that a young man would be worried about losing to a younger, female opponent; however, since it is a mixed grappling meet, it doesn't seem that it would be that unusual. And often, the support goes the other way, almost as if people feel sorry for the smaller person especially if his is male, and would then make comments about the female with her usual size and strength, and they might insult her femininity. There is still a vested interested in seeing a big chasm between what men can physically achieve vs. women. There is always overlap in achievement.


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## Rebca (Jan 16, 2016)

Hello to all, and thanks a lot for your thoughts !
The match was today...to make it short - she won, and that clearly  
She literally stood head and shoulders above him and the others and also won a match against another boy.
I think they usually have weight classes, but there are only a few kids in the team, and somebody had to compete against her.
I cant say yet how he accepts the defeat, afaik no one made a single comment...but he doesn't want to talk about it :/


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

He lost to a bigger and better athlete. There is no shame in that.

Losing is part of playing competitive sports. At 16, your son is old enough to understand that.


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## Rebca (Jan 16, 2016)

chickabiddy said:


> He lost to a bigger and better athlete. There is no shame in that.


This is certainly right. Nevertheless -as Viola put the finger on it - i can understand for a boy thats easier said than done.
And for the better-athlete-part, i don't know, being bigger alone doesn't make a better athlete in my opinion, maybe she is - i couldn't judge that.


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## nathancrowley (Apr 11, 2017)

It's a sport. No shame on losing even if it's a girl. :thumb


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