# Please help me deal with my nighttime anger!



## Jend1002 (Feb 2, 2010)

DS has been a frequent waker/difficult to get to sleep baby from the start. It seems that lately, I have been getting extraordinarily angry in the middle of the night. I mutter mean things, I am not comforting and then I hate myself in the morning. Of course I can't expect DS to fall back to sleep when I am just sitting there rigidly while fuming mad! I sit in the rocking chair just furious that he won't fall back to sleep. I get even more furious when I think he is asleep and try to lay him down and he instantly wakes again and we start all over.

Does any one else find themselves getting really angry? What do you do to get past it? I really need help here - I can't seem to calm myself down. I try to remind myself that I am the adult and it is my job to act that way, but I am really struggling with keeping my blood pressure in check.

Just to clarify - I absolutely never hurt my son - I am just not what I would consider nurturing at all when I get super mad.


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## rzberrymom (Feb 10, 2005)

I tried my best to realize that my DD's increased waking was almost always for a reason. DH was really good at reminding me this, since I would forget and then feel terrible later when I realized what had been bothering my DD. I also tried to let DH take over whenever I had feelings of anger (and vice versa).

That's the age my DD's molars and incisors were coming in, the molars took months to come all the way in, and they were all agonizing for her. I didn't realize how much pain they were causing until after they came in all the way and she finally finally slept! Could he be going through something like that?








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## Jend1002 (Feb 2, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rzberrymom* 
That's the age my DD's molars and incisors were coming in, the molars took months to come all the way in, and they were all agonizing for her. I didn't realize how much pain they were causing until after they came in all the way and she finally finally slept! Could he be going through something like that?

Thank you so much for posting this! I think the molars are nearly all through but just doubted that they caused THIS much discomfort for so long. Maybe that is part of it.


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## Louisep (May 1, 2009)

I hear ya mama. I'm so ashamed some mornings. Now I try and remind myself that being angry will a) make me feel like a bad mother in the morning and b) is not being a good example for my son who as a toddler is now copying everthing we do and I want him to be patient and loving to others.

Do you cosleep? One other thing that now helps is I just let DS roll around/ get up by himself if he won't go back to sleep. He can get down from the bed and roam around the safe bedroom. He eventually comes back and falls asleep. This let's me just lie in bed which is better than having to fully wake up, which really makes me mad. I try and breathe deeply and remind myself he'll go back to sleep eventually.


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## Baby_Cakes (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jend1002* 
Does any one else find themselves getting really angry? What do you do to get past it? I really need help here - I can't seem to calm myself down. I try to remind myself that I am the adult and it is my job to act that way, but I am really struggling with keeping my blood pressure in check.

Just to clarify - I absolutely never hurt my son - I am just not what I would consider nurturing at all when I get super mad.

Oh, absolutely! I have so felt what you are feeling! The anger used to bother me - b/c I really wanted to be that wonderfully attached parent at night, the same mama who understood and was so patient w/DD during the day. But it was so hard not to mutter mean things and get mad.
Do you have a partner who can help and give you even 10 min to calm down when you feel those feelings coming on? I used to hate handing DD over b/c it made me feel like such a failure. But the real problem was trying to deal w/her while I was angry and tired.


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## nsmomtobe (Aug 22, 2009)

It's the sleep deprivation getting to you. I had nights like that in my first week home with my DS, and DH had to intervene and take over night-time duty for a few hours while I calmed down and slept. I'm sorry I can't suggest another solution (besides getting extra sleep during the day).


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## kreeeesta (Jul 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Louisep* 
Do you cosleep? One other thing that now helps is I just let DS roll around/ get up by himself if he won't go back to sleep. He can get down from the bed and roam around the safe bedroom. He eventually comes back and falls asleep. This let's me just lie in bed which is better than having to fully wake up, which really makes me mad. I try and breathe deeply and remind myself he'll go back to sleep eventually.

Oh, how I commiserate with you!!! lol I'm so glad I'm not the only one feeling this way and who is not handling her emotions well.

I do something like the above as well. It's usually only when I first put my 2yo son down for the night that I have struggles. Like he just has too much energy to settle down yet. I just lay there and let him kick and squirm and blab until he gets it out of his system. Eventually, It's sooo frustrating for me because 1) It can be kind of boring laying there for so long waiting for him to settle and fall asleep, and 2) because it takes away from alone time with DH.

I don't have problems with him settling back down later on in the night, but it's still frustrating. Even for naps, when I think he may be tired but still doesn't settle in and fall asleep easily I can get frustrated and angry because I'm thinking of the time I'm "wasting" or just wanting some quiet time to myself.

When I can catch myself in the moment, I try to take a few deep breaths and just remember that he's not doing anything "wrong" or "disobeying". He's just being a "normal" toddler!









Hope that helped a little. And I hope we can both hang in there! lol


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## MissNo (Jul 24, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kreeeesta* 
Oh, how I commiserate with you!!! lol I'm so glad I'm not the only one feeling this way and who is not handling her emotions well.

I do something like the above as well. It's usually only when I first put my 2yo son down for the night that I have struggles. Like he just has too much energy to settle down yet. I just lay there and let him kick and squirm and blab until he gets it out of his system. Eventually, It's sooo frustrating for me because 1) It can be kind of boring laying there for so long waiting for him to settle and fall asleep, and 2) because it takes away from alone time with DH.

I don't have problems with him settling back down later on in the night, but it's still frustrating. Even for naps, when I think he may be tired but still doesn't settle in and fall asleep easily I can get frustrated and angry because I'm thinking of the time I'm "wasting" or just wanting some quiet time to myself.

When I can catch myself in the moment, I try to take a few deep breaths and just remember that he's not doing anything "wrong" or "disobeying". He's just being a "normal" toddler!









Hope that helped a little. And I hope we can both hang in there! lol

I could have written this same post. Thank you so much for saying it.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

For me it was bedtime more than middle of the night wake ups that brought up feelings of anger. I would find myself getting more & more angry - not conducive to encouraging a child to sleep! Dh & I decided this was an indication it was time for him to take over bedtime & it is so much more pleasant for everyone (even dh 'cause now he doesn't have to deal with an angry, upset wife each night).


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## Luke's mama (Sep 29, 2009)

I have said some mean things in the middle of the night that I am so not proud of! I think what really helped me was just adjusting my attitude to stop expecting STTN and realizing there were going to be lots of wakeups. I also had to make my peace with it to some extent because I want to cosleep and DH is on the fence, and if I make too much of a fuss, I think he will push for no more co sleeping. Still have some frustrating nights, but the next AM I just try to get myself together, say tongiht I am going to b e calm/better, and it always helps


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## racheepoo (Jan 9, 2010)

Yes, stop expecting, and get some time for yourself during the day/evening/whenever you can, even if it's 10 minutes! That's crucial.


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## rzberrymom (Feb 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Luke's mama* 
I think what really helped me was just adjusting my attitude to stop expecting STTN and realizing there were going to be lots of wakeups.

I was the same way--I think my anger often had more to do with my expectations (or misconceptions) than with the actual lack of sleep.


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## Jend1002 (Feb 2, 2010)

Yes! Thank you for all of the thoughts. Last night I remembered what many of you posted and stayed completely calm.

DH does help a lot at night. Sometimes when it is especially bad, I think we both reach the breaking point but it is good to switch off. We take turns. DS seems to cry even when DH is holding him but he doesn't really do that to me. I hear the crying so even when it is DH's turn, I am not really sleeping. I told DH about some of the things that you all said and I think it helped both of us to refocus our minds.

I am glad to know that I am not the only one that gets this upset sometimes!!

Oh yes, and expectations are key. I have to remind myself that as I go into the night, I need to expect the worst. When I hope for anything better and then things are particularly difficult, I get more angry. Good to keep that in mind.


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## CalBearMama (Sep 23, 2005)

There are two things that help me, and both of them involve a flashlight . . .

1. If DS won't settle down and sleep in the middle of the night, it often means that he is uncomfortable because he needs to go pee. So I switch on the flashlight, sit on the edge of the bed, latch him on to nurse, remove his diaper, and hold a bottle in place for him to pee into. He usually falls back to sleep within a few minutes of doing this. If I just keep trying to nurse him back to sleep because I don't feel like getting up and pottying him, he wakes up over and over and over again and just doesn't sleep well.

2. If #1 doesn't do the trick, and I find myself starting to feel angry, I switch on the flashlight, look at my baby's beautiful face, and tell him (and myself) how much I love him. For some reason, being able to see him helps me calm down, and that helps both of us.

I know it's a challenge when you're short on sleep and it feels like the baby's fault. Hang in there!


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## CherryBombMama (Jan 25, 2010)

oh my gosh, i so feel you! not every night, but definitely a few times a week i get SOOOO mad when LO wont go back to sleep. Sometimes he is not even crying/fussing, he is just laying there while i am STEAMING. lol.

anyways, we use the Soothie pacifier, and i have seriously controlled my anger by having an extra paci on hand and biting it to death! my ds never even knows what im doing, and i always end up feeling relieved enough to become much calmer.

i figured this out one day when i was just so beyond upset and just reached for an extra paci and started chomping on it like there was no tomorrow.

kinda silly, i guess, but it sooo works for me (and my DH!)


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## Birdie B. (Jan 14, 2008)

I get it. I become totally irrational when deprived of sleep, and sometimes I just can't stand getting up for the 4th or 5th time in as many hours. I feel so bad about it later too! But my husband is sweet, and he'll take over if he sees that I'm upset. He also reminds me gently that she's just a baby, and that usually works. THen I look at her sweet little face, realize that she's uncomfortable about something, and wants me, and I am calm again.


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## ZeezMom (Jan 2, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CherryBombMama* 
i have seriously controlled my anger by having an extra paci on hand and biting it to death! ... i figured this out one day when i was just so beyond upset and just reached for an extra paci and started chomping on it like there was no tomorrow.

This is brilliant. I have been clenching my jaw & gnashing my teeth so hard at night to keep my anger in control, that I may just follow your lead!

To the OP: I feel me some you, sistah-face! One thing that works for me is recalling a time in the day or previous day(s) when DS was super happy or did something ridiculously cute. I envision his little smiling face or hear his tiny laugh in my mind.

It takes me down a few notches every time.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

OH MAN, I so could have written your post a few months ago. DS1 did me NO FAVORS by sleeping through the night in his own room in his own crib at 5 months old! DS2 is a totally different kid, and it took me a while to except that. Once I did, (And once my husband did) life changed completly. I also excepted that sometimes he needs to be feeling me in order to sleep (We dont normally co sleep) So I set up shop on the floor of his room. We all start out in our own beds. Sometimes it stays that way all night, but on the nights it doesnt, atleast Im prepared.


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## RheaSilva (Jan 22, 2010)

Jen, it sounds like its the sleep deprivation talking. Of course, having a new baby always leeds to sleep deprivation for the mom but it bothers some women more than others and there's no shame in the fact that it is making you angry.

I ask you to please just remove yourself from baby's presence when you are feeling this way. Go and have a glass of water or take a bathroom break and come back when you collect yourself.

As a social worker, I have seen that horrible things can happen with even the most loving, nurturing parents when they're that dangerous mixture of tired and angry.


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## Everrgreen (Feb 27, 2007)

I also have this issue







Unfortunately I'm alone here, so no DH to take over. It totally sucks







We cosleep, and sometimes I just pretend to be asleep and let him crawl around (cry







) and fall asleep on his own. I feel bad about it, but it's better than me totally losing it.


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## Jend1002 (Feb 2, 2010)

RheaSilva- yes, I always remove myself and let DH take over. We both do that from time to time, just to take a breath. But sometimes I don't have that option - DH travels for work a lot, so on one occasion, I put DS in the crib and stepped out the front door to breathe some cold night air, then headed back in. I knew DS was crying but I needed a second to compose myself. Very hard but helpful.

Gillian28, that must be very hard. Sounds like you have a coping mechanism even if it doesn't seem ideal to you!


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