# Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe



## cupofjojo

We have been blessed to have our 3 1/2 year old DS but conceiving more children are not in the cards for us.

I hoped to find others who are in the same boat.

There is so much outside pressure to adopt, try every drug under the sun, and . DH and I are at the point where we know only one is all we are to have.

Those of you with one know what I mean. I also find sometimes the issues that we face are a little different than those with 2 or more children. A child who does not have to share toys regularly with a sibling, who does not have to share attention of mom and dad with anyone else, and the concerns of making sure they are not overly spoiled







.

I find it hard when sharing to parents of multiple children. So I'd like to connect with some in my same boat.


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## karlin

Hi! My DS is also an only and also 3.5. While we are not infertile (yet anyway. DH is getting a vasectomy tomorrow!), we get lots of pressure to have another child. We are very happy with our family of 3.

I find I often don't have too much in common with my friends in my mom's group, even though we share the same parenting philosophies. They always tell me how nice it must be to only have one (especially since he goes to preschool, though I pulled him out for a month because he's pretty sensitive, and some of the older kids have really been hurting his feelings). It seems like they think I'm pretty odd for not wanting more.









We never really planned out how many kids we were going to have...we just said, Let's have a baby!, you know? As it turned out, my child was not a sleeper, a little more spirited, nursed a long time, etc. By the time I was getting enough sleep (he was 3 before he slept through the night), he had weaned and potty trained. We just didn't feel the need to go through it all again. Our family size is perfect for us.


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## tinuviel_k

Hello! Denali is 3.5 and she is an only. I was up for having two children, but my husband was iffy about having kids at all, so we comprimised on having one. Aaron got a vasectomy in November. I actually feel really good about having an only child, though all our families are hugely dissapointed. I think MIL prays nightly for DH's vasectomy to fail







: .


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## cupofjojo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karlin* 
Hi! We are very happy with our family of 3.

I find I often don't have too much in common with my friends in my mom's group, even though we share the same parenting philosophies. They always tell me how nice it must be to only have one

Our family size is perfect for us.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinuviel_k* 
I actually feel really good about having an only child.

We too are happy with our family of 3. I so relate about not having much in common with the moms group. In my case there are fertility issues and so when people say "it must be nice to have one" I respond, well your blessed that you could have more than one.

Having one has its own set of work; folks with more than one think its all breezy for us. What they don't see is that we are often the sole entertainers for our children; with siblings they often play together and entertain themselves.

I love that I don't have to think about a huge vehicle to transport our family for day-to-day activities.

I also feel bad because I tend to lack empathy with some of my friends who have chosen to have more children and then complain about how hard or difficult it is.


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## devster4fun

Just noticed this Tribe and wanted to post...we have a DD who will be one in two weeks. And, EVERYONE tells us..."Oh, you'll want another soon." They tell us not to make any decisions in the first year.

I always wonder how nice it must be to know SO much about other people's lives and family's.

OK, rant over









Anyway, we have always planned on just having one child. (I was an only and thought it was great!) We were married 9 years before even TTC. Well, I got pregnant after 2 weeks of TTC and now we have our little Devin.

She is wonderful and our lives are truly richer and fuller with her here. We feel so complete and happy. I like being able to focus on one thing. Part of the decision is financial. We want to be able to afford many opportunities for her & want to be home until she is in school. Part of the decision is, we know our marriage very well. We are aware how important it is to preserve and nurture...us!

I look forward to chatting and sharing with you ladies...as an only myself, I can answer lots of questions about what it means and feels to be an "only."

There are many benefit and some drawbacks.

Shannon


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 

I love that I don't have to think about a huge vehicle to transport our family for day-to-day activities.

I also feel bad because I tend to lack empathy with some of my friends who have chosen to have more children and then complain about how hard or difficult it is.


Too true about the car....

And, I SO hear you on your last point. I remember an old routine by Bill Cosby. He said having one child wasn't really being a parent!! Of course, he was doing a comedy routine and I do see how difficult it would be policing the sibling rivalry issues. BUT, having one does have it's own challenges.

Sometimes I worry because I HAVE to get it right the first time!


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## cupofjojo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
She is wonderful and our lives are truly richer and fuller with her here. We feel so complete and happy. I like being able to focus on one thing. Part of the decision is financial. We want to be able to afford many opportunities for her & want to be home until she is in school. Part of the decision is, we know our marriage very well. We are aware how important it is to preserve and nurture...us!

I look forward to chatting and sharing with you ladies...as an only myself, I can answer lots of questions about what it means and feels to be an "only."

There are many benefit and some drawbacks.

Shannon

Thanks for writing Shannon, I needed the above words today. It is our 9th Anniversary today and preserving and nurturing us is important as well. The other reasons are so true for us as well.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
Thanks for writing Shannon, I needed the above words today. It is our 9th Anniversary today and preserving and nurturing us is important as well. The other reasons are so true for us as well.









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Congratulations! What an accomplishment. Enjoy your family today. Any special plans?


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## *daciaperfect*

DD is 4.5 years old and an only. When she was 16 months old, DH and I made the choice to not have more because of the many health issues I was having and needed fixed. We felt our family to be complete then, and even more so now. I do feel like I dont have a say around people who chose to have more than one child. As if my life is just simple and carefree so I could never have an opinion abotu anything else.

We too get a lot of people pushing us to adopt. Not my dad (the only grandparent) but usually people outside of our family and friends. I think adoption is a great idea for some people, but it is not for us. I also get sick of people throwing in my face how I was an only, so I should understnad why DD should not be one.







: Yes, I can say how it was hard at times being an only, but I can also look back and see all the opportunities I had becuase I was an only, that all my friends with siblings could only dream about. Our family of 3 is just perfect! There is no need to plan for 'if we have another is this house/car big enough.' if we have another is our income big enough. can i homeschool 2 kids. can we still provide opportunities for 2 kids like we can for 1. I like how it is just us, and the more and more Chloe grows, the more and more certain of our choice.


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## cupofjojo

devster4fun;7815646Any special plans?[/QUOTE said:


> DH just called and said lets go to dinner. So I get to pick the place. Thinking Thai!


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## devster4fun

mmmmmmmmmmm.....Pad Thai.............


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## *daciaperfect*

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
mmmmmmmmmmm.....Pad Thai.............

you read my mind! i should make some soon.


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## devster4fun

I love to cook, but have never made it. DH is not a Thai fan and actually doesn't like pasta all that much. Me OTOH, I can eat...like...a huge bowl of noodles.

Well, not any more since I started Weight Watchers 8 weeks ago.

Gotta lose this baby weight.

Hey, at least I only have to lose it ONCE!!!! Yet another benefit of an only child.


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## devster4fun

Guess which only child is up from her nap.

Talk to you all later. Great to find this thread and get chatting.

I'm often on in the evenings after DD goes to sleep.

Enjoy yourselves


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## babymakesthree

Hi there ladies! DD is 5 months and destined to be an only. DH and I agree that we are happy with one child. DH is an only and I have 2 much older sisters so I didn't have a lot of sibling interaction growing up. I was an aunt at 7 so I had more interaction with my nephews than my sisters! Honestly, DH and I both turned out fine







I think we will be able to provide more for one and I know I won't lament the extra sleep I will get when she is older and I don't have another baby. We haven't heard anything about "the next one" yet but DD is still young. I am sure it will come up later.
Happy anniversary Jojo!
BTW, thai food sounds yummy!
And yay for only having to lose baby weight once!


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## cupofjojo

Welcome everyone!

Update, we did not go out for Thai for our anniversary.
We did a microbrew restaurant instead. We homebrew so it is always fun to taste other beer.

I was thankful for all the posts yesterday and it did encourage me a lot about having only our DS.

Last night at dinner we were talking about future trips we'd like to take, and things we want to do as a family. I know if we had more we would not have the time our $resources to do such things.


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## Arduinna

We have a 17 year old only. She has always been pretty independant though, even when she was little. I'd wake up and she would be on the floor playing quietly while I'd been still sleeping







I don't think we have any anything special to keep her from being "spoiled". Dh is an only and I have siblings but none close in age. We didn't plan it this way. When I was young I thought I wanted 4 kids. But when I got pg with her I just had this feeling that she would be an only even though I had planned on having another right away.









We never got pressure from family or friends to have more. Which was nice. And I like quiet, we have friends with a big multigenerational household where the kids are all really loud and boisterous and it gives me a headache. If it works for others that is cool. But I am highly sensitive to the energy of a place and too much competing noise is really annoying for me. So it worked out best for us in the end.


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## EnviroBecca

My son is two and probably will be an only child. We are not quite ready to finalize the decision, but at this point we feel about 90% sure. My partner is an only and loved it. I have one younger brother, and although we get along well now, when we were kids I often felt he was annoying and in the way!

One thing we like about having just one is that we feel able to parent the way we think is best, instead of making compromises because we don't have the resources (time, energy, money, hands...) to do these things for multiple kids at once.

I recommend the book _Maybe One_ by Bill McKibben to anyone who is struggling with pressure to have more children. It debunks a lot of the myths about onlies and gives lots of good arguments for stopping at one.


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## cupofjojo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca* 
I recommend the book _Maybe One_ by Bill McKibben to anyone who is struggling with pressure to have more children. It debunks a lot of the myths about onlies and gives lots of good arguments for stopping at one.

Thanks, for the book recommendation. I'm going to see if our library has it. Like to hear things that debunk the myths.


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## mom2myprincess

My DD is almost 7 months and we only want one child. I get the "youll change your mind" all the time. Mainly because people say that she needs someone to play with and keep her company. Thats what mamas is for! jk but she has plenty of cousins all different ages that live close by and we visit regularly.


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## mom2myprincess

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
Well, not any more since I started Weight Watchers 8 weeks ago.

Gotta lose this baby weight.

Hey, at least I only have to lose it ONCE!!!! Yet another benefit of an only child.































:


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## devster4fun

I was just thinking about the comment from people about how we will change our mind about just wanting one.

What if I turned it around? Like, well....you'll probably change your mind about having 3 and put 2 up for adoption. It's ludacris.

One of the things I've had to get used to, is all the comments and suggestions we get from friends, family and complete strangers.







:


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## EnviroBecca

Quote:

One of the things I've had to get used to, is all the comments and suggestions we get from friends, family and complete strangers.















A woman in my church came up to me at someone's FUNERAL and demanded to know whether I was pregnant again yet because, "You CAN'T make him an only child! He'll be a brat! He'll never learn consideration for others!" I think my son has more consideration for others than this woman, who is the 4th of 5 kids.







:


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## tarheelbaby

I just stumbled upon this, but I wanted to join in. DS is almost 4 and we're about 85-90% sure he's going to be an only. DS has cerebral palsy, so there's a lot of issues at play. We do occupational, speech, and physical therapies, and see many specialists including a neurologist, orthopedist, and endocrinologist. I'm on the road a lot!







To us, there's the financial aspect of having another child (can we afford it?) and then there's the questions that I really have no answer for. How would a new baby affect DS's life? Would a new baby grow up and resent how much attention DS has to get from us? Some of our family (okay, really DH's family







) pester me all the time about having more children. They really have no idea what it's like for me. And above all, it pisses me off that everyone seems to think they can stick their noses in MY family planning. I've heard it all...he'll be spoiled, he won't be able to interact with other children, he'll be all alone if something happens to us, etc.

What I do know is that DS is a bright, loving, funny, beautiful boy and he's the absolute delight in my life.


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## thriftyqueen

Just found this forum and wanted to join in. My DS is 5 and we are happy being a family of 3. My DH and I decided when Luke was only a few months old that we were happy with one. Some people talk about feeling a void and just know that someone is missing from their family. I have never felt that void and am very content to have only one child.

People ask us all the time (especially now that Luke is going to kindergarten) when we will have another or say that it is time to have another, but I am not going to have another child just to make other people happy. I don't really understand why others feel the need to butt in all the time and give their two cents. They just don't understand that we are happy with our decision. I guess they think it is weird, but I don't.

I love the comment about only having to lose the baby weight once. I feel like I need to get my act together and lose the weight that I have been hanging onto for 5 years. Can't imagine if I had more kids!!

I am glad there is a forum here for only children. Makes me feel like I am not the only one that feels this way.


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## cupofjojo

Welcome Tarheelbaby & Hopeelise

Also thought now that we've got a few folks on this thread we could introduce ourselves a bit more: where we live, interests & hobbies, etc.

I'm a SAHM, a wellness consultant, and love to cook, travel, read, and would like to get back into quiltling and also learn to knit.

We'll be camping a lot this summer since we live in Colorado - we're East of Boulder and North of Denver with a great view of the mountains. We've lived here nearly 4 years and prior to that I lived in Philadelphia or its surrounding areas.


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## ReadingMama

Wanted to let you know that there is a big Moms of Onlies tribe here. It hasn't been active lately though, so maybe we should combine forces!









We've got a wonderful, hilarious, musical, animal-loving, nature boy who turned 7 a couple months ago. The older our son gets, the more comfortable we are being a family of three. We're all happy with our family size!


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## msjd123

I'm new to this thread, but so glad I found it. DH and I aren't entirely sure what we want yet, but the idea of sticking to just one is becoming more and more appealing. We originally thought we wanted two, so I'm constantly surprised that I tend to think only of negatives rather than positives when I contemplate having another. I finally realized that I think a large part of that is due to the fact that I will always work full-time. It wouldn't matter if we won the lottery tomorrow -- I would still work. I teach 7th and 8th grade, and teaching fulfills me in a way that other things don't -- the same way that being a mom fulfills me in a way that other things don't -- so I just don't see myself giving that up. Of course, the thing about teaching full-time is that it's draining and I'm with kids all day long, so sometimes I (and DH too since he is also a teacher) feel like DD gets the short end of the stick because I'm just DONE with kids by 4 or 5 in the afternoon. If we had another, there would be even less of us to go around -- DD and #2 would each get less attention -- DH and I would both be even more tired and drained, and quite frankly, I think it would make me a pretty unhappy person. I always thought I wanted two, but now I just don't know, and when I look around at school and see how many teachers only have one child of their own, I totally get it. DH and I both thrive on calm, and since it is never, ever calm at school, we try to reclaim that at home and during vacations. We're both such introverts that having quiet alone time is what rejuvenates us, and again, I foresee a lot less of that if we had two. We're not making any decisions yet and biologically speaking, I have a good 5-7 years to decide, but when I think of having just one, it seems appealing. When I think of having another, I think of chaos. I don't think I have it in me to sacrifice my personal happiness for another child just so that DD would have a sibling, especially since there are no guarantees they'll love each other and get along well when they're older. And, man, what if we had another baby just like my spirited DD? Another high-needs-milk-allergy-non-sleeping-sick-all-the-time-high-energy kid? I mean, I love her to pieces and wouldn't change anything about her (OK, not true -- I'd make her a better sleeper) but I just don't think I could bring myself to do that all over again. There isn't enough of a desire for another to balance out the difficulties of it all. Plus, we don't have any local family to fall back on, so it's hard to get a break.

DH is thinking pretty much along the same lines about this stuff, and we just figure we'll coast along as we are and see if the desire to have another strikes us sometimes, but I don't know if it will. I am completely surprised by that, but that's what it seems to be. If we never have another, I do think I'd be sorry that I never get to be pregnant and give birth again, but those are fleeting things, whereas raising a child is a lifelong committment.

Anyways, that's my story! I'm so glad I found this thread!


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## msjd123

Forgot to sub.


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## EnviroBecca

Quote:

Some people talk about feeling a void and just know that someone is missing from their family.
I felt that way until I had my child. Now I feel our family is complete.









I WOH as data manager of a social science research study. I enjoy my work and feel I'm a better mama because I have regular intervals of time when I can focus on something other than motherhood and utilize other aspects of myself.

I'm also a Girl Scout leader, environmentalist, amateur photographer, and game enthusiast--I don't play computer games or the really involved stuff like D&D, but I like many card and board and pyramid games.


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## NaturalMamma

We have only one. We would have loved to have more children, but our DD was already a miracle as we had tried for a long time and surprisingly got pg at 38. So we're thrilled to have her, though I know there are people who "feel sad" for us. I had a wonderful pg and birth experience so I don't feel a loss for anything. I just cherish my DD.

Our DD is very strong willed and was a very high needs baby. Perhaps she is all we could ever handle anyway b/c she's like 3 children in one.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
What they don't see is that we are often the sole entertainers for our children; with siblings they often play together and entertain themselves.

Oh, I so understand what you mean!







:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
I also feel bad because I tend to lack empathy with some of my friends who have chosen to have more children and then complain about how hard or difficult it is.

I really understand this one too. A couple who had their 2nd child made this statement to DH and I: "one is none".







Can you imagine?

People just don't get it. A neighborhood child (who has 3 siblings) said to my DD "Only children get whatever they want." I know she got that from the mom. Stuff like that hurts.









cindi


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## onlyzombiecat

Hi everyone!
Mom to 7 year old only dd.
We knew when dd was 1 that we did not want to have more children. We made our decision official when dd was 3 and dh gat a vasectomy.
We've been very happy with our family size.

Recently we've been facing the possibility of raising dh's little brother (3 months younger than our dd). MIL is sick and facing a somewhat risky treatment. She asked us if we would take him if she dies. It is hard thinking of going from raising 1 to 2 children. We have been so positive about our decision for 7 years. We decided that we would regret saying no but would not likely regret saying yes even though it will not be easy. So we are telling MIL that we are willing.

Has anyone else agreed to raise someone else's child if they die? Did it factor into your thoughts about your family size? Have you told your child about it? How did they react?


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## chanibell

Nice to see this thread! My dh and I adopted our son recently and we are still wondering if we will adopt another. I was an only and I was lonely. Hmm a lonely only







I had lots of pets though and hung out with my cousins so I was really only lonely when I came home (since my cousins didnt live that far away). My dh is fine with one. We are able to devote a lot of time to him. I think there is even a magazine for only children. I'll have to investigate.
cheers


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## mom2myprincess

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
Also thought now that we've got a few folks on this thread we could introduce ourselves a bit more: where we live, interests & hobbies, etc.


My DD is 7mos, I am a SAHM and enjoy every minute of it. We live in NY, I like to do crafts, hopefully will be getting a sewing machine soon and if this weather ever warms up we will be spending lots of time outside. We just got dumped with snow


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## karlin

It's nice to see so many moms on onlies out there.

DH had his vasectomy on Thursday. He did great and didn't even have much pain or any swelling. I know it was the right decision, because I didn't mourn or anything...in fact, I really didn't even think about it much. We didn't tell our families, as the reaction would have not been great from the in-laws (they want tons of grandkids).

I'll say a few words about me and my family. I'm Karlin, and I'm 32 years old. My family and I live in Rapid City, SD. It's pretty nice here....we grew up here too, so it's all we really know. My DH is 33 and works as a mental health consultant for the USAF (he's civilian). I'm a SAHM and love it most of the time. Our son is 3.5. He's a really sensitive kid, and I think he'll actually do better as an only. We're all pretty sensitive actually, so less people and less chaos is essential for our mental well-being.







DS is really into rockets right now. He's always going on about outer space and mars and the moon...which I think is just adorable to hear coming out of a 3 year old. I'm hoping he keeps up his interest, as I have lots to teach him in that area. (I got my BS and MS in physics. I never plan on working in physics again, so maybe I'll get to teach him).

My interests right now are parenting, sewing, home improvement, gardening, computers, and much more I can't remember right now. My head is foggy since I have a cold.


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## katheek77

Hi there!

DH and I knew from before our daughter was conceived that we only wanted one. Long story short, there is a blatant history of birth defects in his family (he has four dead siblings, three right at/after birth, one at 19 of congenital heart defect, and his only living sibling has a bunch of problems). He has done two combat tours to Iraq, and has so many chemicals coursing through his blood that he should be glowing (seriously). We decided we'd shoot for one, not even knowing if we'd get pregnant (the prior three maternal generations in my family have all had medically necessary hysterectomies between 28 and 38, and I was 28 when we got married). We figured if the baby had problems, well, so be it. But if she was healthy, we didn't want to have her "suffer" (not the right choice of words, but I don't know how to explain it) if we tried for a second, and the second baby had problems that took up most of our time.

Well, we got pregnant our first time trying. DD was born perfectly healthy (after a misdiagnosed miscarriage...craziness all around), and is our wonder girl. Which has only reinforced our decision. She's a very easy baby most of the time, ahead on milestones, hardly ever cries, slept through the night at six weeks, blah blah blah.

And we both *still* can't wait for her to be "not a baby". Neither of us are "baby" people; I WORK with children, but, to be honest, I can't wait for the turn of the first year. I LOVE toddlers, pre-schoolers, elementary, etc. But babies are NOT my cup of tea. I never want to do this again. I'm being blunt, but it's true. I love her to death, but, just can't imagine doing it again. I guess part of it is because my husband and I have always been very independent people, especially me, and now, I, who used to go cross-country (or even overseas) on whims, now can't take a shower in my own home with out planning it around the baby.







And, like I said, she's an EASY baby...we can't imagine what we'd do if we had a high-needs kid.

On top of all that, there are things we want to do when he retires (he's in the military, so 11+ years to go), and we realize that we want to be able to spoil (within reason) our daughter, and still spoil ourselves when the time comes. The idea of paying for two sets of piano lessons, and two bikes, and two college educations, and so on and so forth just doesn't work for us.

We're very happy with our decision to have only one. We think it's the best decision for EVERYONE involved.


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## kavitha

we have one, she'l be 1 next month....we felt so happy and complete as a family with just her....we both feel she will be the only one....grew up in a family of 6, so my family thinks i can't be serious and keep talking about dd's bro and sis to come....but i feel confident that an only child can grow up beautifully to be wonderful adults (they don't have to be spoiled, lonely, etc that i keep getting warned about)


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
And we both *still* can't wait for her to be "not a baby". Neither of us are "baby" people; I WORK with children, but, to be honest, I can't wait for the turn of the first year. I LOVE toddlers, pre-schoolers, elementary, etc. But babies are NOT my cup of tea. I never want to do this again. I'm being blunt, but it's true. I love her to death, but, just can't imagine doing it again. I guess part of it is because my husband and I have always been very independent people, especially me, and now, I, who used to go cross-country (or even overseas) on whims, now can't take a shower in my own home with out planning it around the baby.







And, like I said, she's an EASY baby...we can't imagine what we'd do if we had a high-needs kid.

On top of all that, there are things we want to do when he retires (he's in the military, so 11+ years to go), and we realize that we want to be able to spoil (within reason) our daughter, and still spoil ourselves when the time comes. The idea of paying for two sets of piano lessons, and two bikes, and two college educations, and so on and so forth just doesn't work for us.

We're very happy with our decision to have only one. We think it's the best decision for EVERYONE involved.


I can sooooooo relate to this, except that my DD *is* pretty high-needs and I question how much of our sanity DH and I still have intact. We're both teachers -- I teach 7th & 8th grade English; DH teaches 6th-8th grade Special Ed -- so we're just "kidded out" by the end of the day. And, like you, we're independent folks who thrive on peace, quiet, and calm, so when I think of having two kids and all that that entails, I just think of chaos. Plus, there's so much more to life than just working to support the family. Part of what we love about teaching is the time off and the freedom we have to enjoy quality family time and to pursue our passions and our interests. I look forward to being able to do that with DD, and when she's old enough, she can even bring a friend along if she wants to. I have an older teacher friend who had an only child, and that's what they did; i.e. once her daughter hit 13 or 14, they told her she could bring a friend along on family vacations. That way, the parents got time to themselves, and their dd and the friend were able to entertain each other and have some of their own fun.

You have no idea how much better it makes me feel to know that there are other people out there who are thinking along the same lines! Now if onl I could find some like-minded people locally!


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## EnviroBecca

My partner got to bring a friend on vacation when he was a kid (sometimes the friend's parents would come too) and it was a very positive experience for him.

Katheek, I know just what you mean about being eager for babyhood to end! While I enjoyed many aspects of mothering an infant, a lot of my enjoyment came out of (1) the fact that it was temporary, building the foundation for mothering an older child, and (2) being able to throw myself into it pretty fully, which I wouldn't be able to do with a second child. I've always been much more interested in kids 3 and up than in babies or toddlers. It's been fascinating to watch my son develop from nothing into a talking, walking, planning, opinionated little person...but I'm still eager for him to get just a little older!

Financial considerations are big for us too. Social science does not pay all that well. My partner is a computer programmer, which does pay well, but he got a late start on his career (after wandering lazily through many years of college, supported by his parents--who certainly were more able to do this with an only child than they would've been with multiple children, but jeez, they COULD have put their foot down!) so doesn't have retirement savings built up as much as he should. We strongly prefer to live within our means and don't carry debt other than a mortgage. We are very aware of the advantage we had in starting our adult lives without student loans, and we want to give our child that advantage. It would be a lot harder with multiple kids.

Karlin wrote:

Quote:

We're all pretty sensitive actually, so less people and less chaos is essential for our mental well-being.








I like to be around plenty of PEOPLE, but only when they're reasonably well behaved! Chaos really grates on me! And my partner needs a lot of alone time. So far, EnviroKid seems more like me: He loves to get out and watch people doing their things, but a chaotic crowd is no fun for him. When we arrive at his childcare in the morning, if more than one kid is crying or yelling, he is very distraught and needs to cling to me until things calm down.


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## cupofjojo

Karlin, what you said about less chaos being essential for well being, is something I often have to remember. That is critical for my DH and lately he has had a lot of stress at work so I need to remember to try to keep a fairly low key week night schedule.

We just got a play set put up in our yard to I'm really excited DS has a place he can go out and occupy himself for a while. We've tried other things but DS is very social and wants to always play with others so usually thats me. The play set keeps him very occupied for a good 45 minutes to an hour. We're very excited - we knew he needed to learn to do more independently so this has been great. Any other ideas would be great as well.


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## karlin

I'm glad others out there aren't huge fans of the baby stage either. I loved every milestone my DS hit, since it meant he was growing up.







I bet when you have multiple children, they do seem to grow up really quickly since it's so much work to raise kids and time flies when you're busy.

I used to love being my son's only playmate, but now I'm growing tired of it. There's only so many times we can play "spaceship crashes on mars". He makes up these elaborate games, and insists on playing them over and over again. My son was in Montessori preschool, which helped with some of this. I took him out this month because he was really acting out (we're moving and some kids were saying things to him that hurt his feelings). I know he'll have to learn to deal with that stuff (mean kids) eventually. But I kind of felt like I was paying money for him to be treated poorly. And at 3 years old, I don't see why I can't protect him until he's emotionally more capable of understanding and responding. Now I have to arrange playdates, but only with kids that are calmer or only have siblings that are very young. That's fine for me though, since I like it more calm too. I think dealing with my son's sensitivity has been tougher than him being an only. I really dislike it when people blame his lack of siblings for his shy behavior.


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## cupofjojo

Building friendships with other kids - what advice can you offer.

We have 2 sets of children DS loves to play with and in particular each family has a boy DS's age that we'd love to have DS get to spend more time with. We're trying to develop them into more of a friendship. Both have multiple children and we like hanging out with them but also DS would love to just hang out with the boy(s) of each family on occasion.

Any advice? It just seems like it would be strange to just invite the boy. I'm new at this so I don't even really know. Up 'til now DS has played with anyone and everyone. But said the other day how he'd just like to play with the boy and not his 2 sisters.


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## cupofjojo

Venting - I need to get a few things done on the computer today and it is one of those days where DS wants a lot of attention/help with things. I still am not sure of ways to get him to do things a little more independently and I hate resorting to a movie or something to just get him occupied.

Anything work with your toddler?


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## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
Building friendships with other kids - what advice can you offer.

We have 2 sets of children DS loves to play with and in particular each family has a boy DS's age that we'd love to have DS get to spend more time with. We're trying to develop them into more of a friendship. Both have multiple children and we like hanging out with them but also DS would love to just hang out with the boy(s) of each family on occasion.

Any advice? It just seems like it would be strange to just invite the boy. I'm new at this so I don't even really know. Up 'til now DS has played with anyone and everyone. But said the other day how he'd just like to play with the boy and not his 2 sisters.

I think it will be understood for a little boy your ds's age to want to play with the boys alone sometimes.


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## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
Venting - I need to get a few things done on the computer today and it is one of those days where DS wants a lot of attention/help with things. I still am not sure of ways to get him to do things a little more independently and I hate resorting to a movie or something to just get him occupied.

Anything work with your toddler?

Could you keep a neat toy that your ds will only get to play with when you need to get things done? Can you get your ds started with something and set a timer for him so he knows when you will be free to pay attention to him again?
My dd loved to fingerpaint in the bathtub. We would do that 1 day a week. It would occupy her for quite awhile and clean up was easy since it was in the tub.

http://singleparents.about.com/od/pa...urage_play.htm


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## tarheelbaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 







Welcome Tarheelbaby & Hopeelise

Also thought now that we've got a few folks on this thread we could introduce ourselves a bit more: where we live, interests & hobbies, etc.

I'm a SAHM, a wellness consultant, and love to cook, travel, read, and would like to get back into quiltling and also learn to knit.

We'll be camping a lot this summer since we live in Colorado - we're East of Boulder and North of Denver with a great view of the mountains. We've lived here nearly 4 years and prior to that I lived in Philadelphia or its surrounding areas.

I'm sorry...I forgot to sub to this earlier. Anyway, I've been married almost 6 years, I'm a SAHM. I love to read and cook, too. I love, love, love sports. Basketball and baseball are my faves. My parents have a camper and we live about 90 minutes away from the beach, so we're very fortunate we get several get-away weekends during the year, and esp. in the summer.


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## tarheelbaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
Building friendships with other kids - what advice can you offer.

We have 2 sets of children DS loves to play with and in particular each family has a boy DS's age that we'd love to have DS get to spend more time with. We're trying to develop them into more of a friendship. Both have multiple children and we like hanging out with them but also DS would love to just hang out with the boy(s) of each family on occasion.

Any advice? It just seems like it would be strange to just invite the boy. I'm new at this so I don't even really know. Up 'til now DS has played with anyone and everyone. But said the other day how he'd just like to play with the boy and not his 2 sisters.

I think the parents would understand if just the boys wanted to play together. I'd probably just ask if the boy could come over. In particular, if you're in any way close to the parents, you could mention to them your reasoning in wanting to have a "boys-only" playdate. Good luck!


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## cupofjojo

Hi:

Any ideas on entertaining my DS on long car ride? We will be doing a lot of driving in Alaska and I'm not wanting a DVD player to be a primary source of entertainment yet I don't want to bring a ton of things with us on the plane.

Thanks


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## cupofjojo

Today was an interesting day! We had a yard sale with a lot of people. I couldn't believe all the comments about "aren't you going to give DS a sibling?" "Why would you get rid of all your baby stuff, you haven't had your 2nd yet." It was a bit crazy.

The flip side was that some of the grandma's buying kids stuff were thrilled I was selling stuff only used by one child, and a no-smoking, no pet home.

Interesting day indeed.


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
Hi:

Any ideas on entertaining my DS on long car ride? We will be doing a lot of driving in Alaska and I'm not wanting a DVD player to be a primary source of entertainment yet I don't want to bring a ton of things with us on the plane.

Thanks

Things that have worked for us: MagnaDoodle, a lacing toy, a doll with "real" hair that can be brushed, new vinyl stickers for the windows (we *only* bring these out for long car trips), lift-the-flap books, a snack, a small toy that has been wrapped up in an unholy amount of paper so that it takes a good, long time to unwrap.... hmmm, what else? Oh, one time when we were super desperate to make the screaming stop, I found an overhead marker in my purse (I'm a teacher!) and let her draw on the window with it.







: She drew all over herself, too, but she was wearing old clothes and it all came out anyway because overhead markers can be washed away with plain water. I'm remember thinking that was a pretty good idea!









As for the time-to-have another comments, right there with ya. In the last month, I think someone has told me every single week that "it's time." And then when I tell them we've decided to stop at one, it's always, "But whhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???????" as if I'm causing them physical pain. I hate that!


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## mamasittingduck

Hi Everyone,

Finally, a thread for me! I am so glad to read that other families only want one child.

I have been shocked and finally angered over how much social pressure there is to have more babies! People just do not want to hear that you only want one; And the same thing that I hear. ...... "oh, you'll change your mind" or "It's too early to decide now" etc etc...

Let me give you some of my info. I have a 15 month old daughter and she has brought so much joy, yet so much stress to our lives! I am the only working spouse; husband is stay at home daddy; I have really come to the conclusion that another baby would destroy our marriage; I think we will make it, but this baby thing is way harder than I ever imagined; We have no family here and our only friend that we would trust to babysit is due to have her 3rd baby in a matter of days, and her husband just left her. So.......needless to say, we are babied out sometimes; We've had one date since she was born.

My daughter is entering this insane phase of hitting, anger and craziness!! She is so head strong. Her personality matches her fiery red hair, let me tell you (not to mention her own mother's personality!!). Anyway, this is proving to be extra stressful on my husband who is with her ALL the time;

I am a nurse and I work really hard; I work in home health and drive all over the place and am always in a rush; I often feel like "when am I going to get my life back?" Then I feel guilty, because I don't hear other mothers saying these things; They want more babies!!

I can't wait until she is older and we can go to Disneyland or the movies; something I can really enjoy too.

Wow! I'm sorry I'm ranting here, but it was good to see a thread like this;

One other thing. I just never saw myself as doing the everyday American lifestyle and having a baby forces you into that; I have to work to support my family; I have to have health insurance and a good car and make sure this kid's life is good, you know; There is so much pressure behind that; Sometimes I just want to crawl backwards in time and throw in my old Depeche Mode tapes and walk around aimlessly with my friends...(back when I thought life was hopelessly dull!)

ok, enough for now!

Thanks all
sherri


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## minxin

Hello! I'm a mom of one son, age 4. I sometimes think that i would like one more, but i don't see it happening anytime soon. I'm 36, a single parent, and a college student, and i can't imagine how i'd ever find the time to get into a situation where pregnancy could occur!








Sometimes when we clean out outgrown toys and clothes, ds says we should save them in case i get another baby in my belly and he can share his old stuff!
I was raised Catholic, and ds is the only only, except for my teenaged cousin who is adopted. I think being a single mom in a Catholic family is the only thing that saves me from being pestered about having more kids. I admit to having the baby lust on rare occasions, but i love my tiny little family.


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## APCDmama

Yay! I haven't read any of the posts yet, but I'm glad to have found this tribe.







I am the mother of a 3-year-old daughter, and I feel content with my small family, but everyone around me seems to push having a second child! There is no biological reason we can't conceive, and I'm surprised by my decision, since I'd always planned on having 2-3 children. DH appears to be on the fence regarding more, although I think he'd secretly love to have another baby if I agreed.

Anyway...hi to everyone! I will post again when I've read the entire thread.


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## msjd123

Mamasittingduck, I could have written your post word for word. I haven't admitted to many people IRL what you wrote -- i.e. that having a child has put immeasurable stress on your marriage -- but it's SOOOO true. I love our daughter to pieces and I know my DH does too, but she has been very high-needs and very intense from the moment she was born, and I just don't want to do any of that all over again. I don't think that people with easy, mellow kids really understand that because they've only experienced their own. Whenever I think of having another, all I can think of is how much we'd have to sacrifice and how the things that would get sacrificed -- time together as couple, peace and quiet, day-to-day quality of life, sleep, sanity, etc. -- are just not things we WANT to sacrifice any more than we already have. For us, adding another child would detract from our happiness, not add to it.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that there's someone else out there who knows exactly where you're coming from. Oh, and 15-18 months sucked, big-time. My dd started mellowing out once she started being able to speak reasonably well; then she was able to tell us what she needed/wanted, and the frustration diminished. Hang in there!


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## Juliacat

I read in an article in _Time_ magazine last fall that only children do not necessarily always grow up to be spoiled, selfish, and socially ham handed. Isn't that a relief to all of us!









I am getting an IUD in a few hours so that we'll have ten years to decide whether we're having a second one or not. We're leaning toward no. People are already giving me a hard time about it. There are advantages and disadvantages to _any_ family size and spacing but I think misery loves company.

I second the suggestion of _Maybe One_. After reading it, when someone tells me dd _needs_ a sibling, I can reply, "Actually, every reliable study that's ever been done on the subject has shown that only children turn out at least as well as children with siblings."

And if we do have a second one, it will be in a long time. Dh and I both come from families where people have two children nine, sixteen, twenty-five (!) years apart...and it works out as well as it would have the other way, IMO.

One concern for us is money. I'm not talking about Disneyland vacations and driving a Hummer, I'm talking about food and shelter, and being able to work less and spend more time with the child we already have.

The environment is an equally big concern. Global warming and all of that. I wonder if Al Gore gets hassled about being a father of three.


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## Juliacat

So what do you do if you, yourself, feel you have enough friends and do not want to invest your precious emotional energy into making more, but you want to have a regular playmate for your child?


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## katheek77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
So what do you do if you, yourself, feel you have enough friends and do not want to invest your precious emotional energy into making more, but you want to have a regular playmate for your child?

To be honest, I'm not that concerned about it right now. Obviously, Katie isn't even a year old yet, but, at this point, she plays with the girls (ages 6 and 8) where I work (and their friends), we have "outings" with a family I used to work for (kids aged 2.5, 5, and 6.5), she plays with the dog







, she plays with Mama and Da-da, and, to be honest, she'll play by herself very well for long periods of time (ex...the other day, I was sick, had passed out earlier in the day, just wiped...so I closed off everything but the living room and dining room (where most of her toys are), and laid on the couch. She spent almost THREE hours (I'd never normally let her do that, but I was seriously ill) playing on her own....and destroying the joint







I suspect she'll be like my husband and myself, and will like a lot of "alone" time anyway (even as very young kids we were like that). If she craves more interaction, there are always playgroups, pre-school playgroups, my husband has friends at work with children within a year of her age, etc. If I have to make a concerted effort to set up the dates, I will, but, until that comes, I'm not going to worry about it.


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## mamasittingduck

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
Mamasittingduck, I could have written your post word for word. I haven't admitted to many people IRL what you wrote -- i.e. that having a child has put immeasurable stress on your marriage -- but it's SOOOO true. I love our daughter to pieces and I know my DH does too, but she has been very high-needs and very intense from the moment she was born, and I just don't want to do any of that all over again. I don't think that people with easy, mellow kids really understand that because they've only experienced their own. Whenever I think of having another, all I can think of is how much we'd have to sacrifice and how the things that would get sacrificed -- time together as couple, peace and quiet, day-to-day quality of life, sleep, sanity, etc. -- are just not things we WANT to sacrifice any more than we already have. For us, adding another child would detract from our happiness, not add to it.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that there's someone else out there who knows exactly where you're coming from. Oh, and 15-18 months sucked, big-time. My dd started mellowing out once she started being able to speak reasonably well; then she was able to tell us what she needed/wanted, and the frustration diminished. Hang in there!


Thanks for the reply. It is so nice to get confirmation of my feelings, because they are just not socially acceptable! when you said, adding another child would detract from your happiness, that rang so true with me; every stage seems hard in it's own way. When I talked to my sister about how HARD it is right now at 15 months (cries SO much, gets frustrated easily, wants our attention at all times, etc; (FOR EVERYONE THAT'S THINKING, WELL, THAT'S NORMAL FOR A 15 MONTH OLD, I KNOW!) she said, "oh, it only gets worse at 2". So, it's nice to hear that once her words come, maybe some of her frustration will mellow out; I know she understands so much, but I can't understand things because she points to everything and says, "Dung??" in her cutie little baby question.......

it's just that, when I imagine doing this all over again, it fills me with such dread. And everyone keeps saying, oh, you'll forget how bad it was......... well, I'm not even close! I look forward to growing with my daughter and exploring all the new things with her. I can't wait to read with her and be able to do things I find more interesting. (you know, babies can just sit in a pile of dirt and stick a spoon in it for 30 minutes and still be wowed.....)

ok, I guess I'm rambling, but I'm still trying to make sense of all this baby business and how I'm not a young girl anymore, sigh.

**disclaimer: I am totally in love with my little monkey.


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamasittingduck* 
When I talked to my sister about how HARD it is right now at 15 months (cries SO much, gets frustrated easily, wants our attention at all times, etc; (FOR EVERYONE THAT'S THINKING, WELL, THAT'S NORMAL FOR A 15 MONTH OLD, I KNOW!) she said, "oh, it only gets worse at 2".


Don't you HATE that?!?!? I can't stand it when you tell someone you're having a hard time and they not only totally minimize it but feel the need to say that it will only get worse. How does that help?!?! FWIW, my DH and I are always saying that age 2 is way more fun than age 1. Our dd did all the things you mentioned and I'd get the same, "Oh that's normal," stuff, but I really think my DD was just MORE of all those things. She cried more, slept less, shrieked almost constantly, fussed A LOT, etc. We quietly counted how many "good" days she had in a row, and it was almost never more than 4. Now, she'll frequently have good weeks and there's way more good than bad, and that's a huge change.


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## devster4fun

Good to see some action on this thread again!

I love the recent posts, they really hit home.

My SIL is the President of "Club I Have It Worse Because Now I Have 2 Kids."
I try to find common ground with her and share a challenge we're going through with DD, who is 13 months. EVERY response is something like, yeah now imagine doing that with 2 kids...I finally responded with, "Yeah I CAN imagine that, so that's why we're having one."

Truly, we could not go through this again. (Weeeeell, if we had to we could, but we won't







) I guess we're sucky parents, but it's exhausting. We lead busy lives, with lots of activities and things I don't want to change. Yet, another selfish choice we make. To some extent, DD fits into our lives and we don't revolve the entire world around her. *gasp*

I am an only child (by choice) and loved it. I think the advantages are many and drawbacks are workable.

For those with older children...how was separation anxiety for you? We're just starting to see it, when I leave for any reason. I'm so thankful there's a strong attachment, it's what we've worked so hard for. But, what age did you all see this stage lessen?

TIA!!


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## mamasittingduck

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
Don't you HATE that?!?!? I can't stand it when you tell someone you're having a hard time and they not only totally minimize it but feel the need to say that it will only get worse. How does that help?!?! FWIW, my DH and I are always saying that age 2 is way more fun than age 1. Our dd did all the things you mentioned and I'd get the same, "Oh that's normal," stuff, but I really think my DD was just MORE of all those things. She cried more, slept less, shrieked almost constantly, fussed A LOT, etc. We quietly counted how many "good" days she had in a row, and it was almost never more than 4. Now, she'll frequently have good weeks and there's way more good than bad, and that's a huge change.

I love that you mentioned good days vs bad; I keep thinking, is this kid moody or what?! I keep searching for answers as to why she is so darn cranky, (ahem, like today...) I can't count how many times I must have said, "Oh, I bet she's teething again!" Geeeeez. She whined so much today. The one time she never cries or whines is if she is outside; this is very good; But again, it can be tedious. We live in a mountainy desert area and so I have to be so careful about what she gets into. Hmmm, is that a rattle snake? Scorpion? Oh, no, just a tarantula; they're not poisonous







Oh, and did I mention the new dog in the neighborhood (our close neighbor; dogs in the country are not tied up round here); yeah, he found him at the school he does security for; you know, the school in the ghetto, where kids are bringing prison shanks to school (think sharpened screwdrivers)...the pitbull mix with no known history just wandering around. Yep, thought it would be a grand idea to bring him on home! (ok, off topic......) well, there's only so much dirt exploring one mom can do.

I was looking at this course to advance my nursing career; there is so much guilt about wanting to do something for yourself when you have a child; I feel I am away from her so much, but in reality I work 4 days a week and am home for her getting up every day and home for dinner usually between 5-6 on work days. Mom guilt really sucks. I guess I just miss doing what I feel like doing. I definitely think this is the drawback from having your first kid at 31. You are just too used to having your own life!

well, I'm so glad I have a place to put my feelings out about how hard this is. I don't know why I feel like this is so hard and other people seem to adjust so well. I knew coming into it that I was in for a huge life change; And I was right;

I can't wait to go camping again; OOOOOOOOOO, I long for a good book and some redwood trees; a mom can dream, can't she?!


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## msjd123

mamasittingduck said:


> well, I'm so glad I have a place to put my feelings out about how hard this is. I don't know why I feel like this is so hard and other people seem to adjust so well. I knew coming into it that I was in for a huge life change; And I was right.QUOTE]
> 
> See, that is EXACTLY how I feel, but I've given up on thinking that DH and I must just be big wimps or something. We're not. We're strong people doing the best we can. We have our own lives, we have our life together, we have our jobs, our hobbies, our families, our house, our beautiful daughter -- all we want now is a sense of calm satisfaction. Life is every day, you know? I'm not willing to make sacrifices for years and years and years just so that, one fine day, we'll finally enjoy our everyday lives. I want to enjoy life now. I like the sense of immediacy that comes from knowing that I won't be doing all of these things all over again in another year or two.
> 
> Oh, and teething.... don't remind me. That's #2 on my long list of why age 2 is better than 1. (The #1 reason is language!) When I said to our pediatrician that we were throwing a party after DD cut her last tooth, he thought I was joking. I wasn't. Each one of those sharp little teeth has been come by with much agony and sleep lost. When they fall out, I will treasure them and think, "Ahhh yes, this was the one that kept you up from 10-2, screaming bloody-murder for 4 nights in a row....." How can we NOT throw a party when her last baby tooth comes in and we know we never have to deal with teething again!??!?! So, yes, my daughter was a horrible teether, and it sucked. I'm still dreading the 2-year molars. Should be fun. Still, we've had a nice long break of more than 8 montsh now since the last teeth, and it's been awesome.
> 
> ETA: Where do you live? I'm somewhat familiar with the San Diego area.


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## Sonnenwende

This thread is a great read.

After waffling about it for awhile, I am pretty sure that we are done having kids. My husband will have a vasectomy in about a month or two and that should be that.

The reasons are equally financial and emotional.

Money is not that tight, but we want to do more with it. One more kid is one more mouth to feed, clothe, educate, etc. We would rather spend that on a good day sailer and go out sailing with the kid we already have. Also, only one kid means that we can have our pick of smaller and cheaper housing, we don't need two large cars. We can also pour a lot more money into our daughter's education and extra-curricular activities.

As far as from an emotional standpoint, I just feel that I can't handle another and I am fine with her. If I ever need a kid fix, well, lots of people have kids I can borrow to remind me why I made the decision in the first place to stop.









Quote:

Life is every day, you know? I'm not willing to make sacrifices for years and years and years just so that, one fine day, we'll finally enjoy our everyday lives. I want to enjoy life now. I like the sense of immediacy that comes from knowing that I won't be doing all of these things all over again in another year or two.
My husband and I agree. We love our family, but it is not worth going into the poor and crazy house for if we can help it. The most obvious choice is to stop while we're ahead, ya know?


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## mamasittingduck

I know there is another onlies thread, but I just wanted to come back here to check in;

well, my dear friend just had her 3rd baby yesterday (10lb 6oz!) and everyone said to me, "oh, when you hold that baby, you'll want another one!" And I thought, well, ok, if you say so, we'll see. Well, I held that sweet, chubby cutie in my arms for hours, and, NOPE, don't want to do it again! Whoo! That was worrying me for a minute!

little monkey was so sweet today; i love her good mood days........

I was just browsing through the disey mom thread and honestly, I love disney, too; I can't wait until DD is old enough to go and really enjoy it; I look forward to those days, and I think, if I have another baby, how am I going to enjoy doing all those things with my first?


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## mamasittingduck

oh, btw, I live in Jamul, east of San Diego.

I think the idea of enjoying life now is so important; I see that if I would have multiple kids, I would just have to "get through" all those pregnacies and little baby days (I mean, I HATED being up all night.........ohhhhhhhhhh God, kill me now!); I feel the same way of wanting to enjoy a lot more of my life; I want to do a lot of other things, and I think a lot of things are possible when you have an only.

I hope she'll be happy being an only.

me and hubby started the vasectomy talk today.....he is willing to do it.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamasittingduck* 
well, my dear friend just had her 3rd baby yesterday (10lb 6oz!) and everyone said to me, "oh, when you hold that baby, you'll want another one!" And I thought, well, ok, if you say so, we'll see. Well, I held that sweet, chubby cutie in my arms for hours, and, NOPE, don't want to do it again! Whoo! That was worrying me for a minute!












About two months ago, I was interviewing day care providers. The one I ended up choosing had a 2 month old daughter at the time. I remember only thinking "Yeah, cute baby, but better you (the mother) than me!". No interest whatsoever. It was about then that I seriously started thinking about leaving my daughter an only and my husband and I began vasectomy discussions.


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## Phoebes*mom

Hi, I'm a mom of an only as well. Ironically, I posted earlier this morning on a thread about secondary infertility. I guess you can say I'm a mom of an only by circumstance, not choice.

But in so many ways, I'm so happy with "just" one. My DD was a very volatile, high needs infant. I almost feel guilty saying that -- like I can't handle parenthood or something -- but she would literally have me in tears some days. Now, at 4, she's calmed down immensely (though not totally







), and we have so much fun together. I absolutely **love** this age, and it seems to just keep getting better.

I'm one of five kids, so I know there are disadvantages to having siblings, just as there are disadvantages to being an only. The main disadvantage I see is the lack of companionship. DD has cousins and friends that we get together with on a regular basis, but it's just not the same as having another kid in the house. Sometimes (ok, lots of times!) I just don't want to play My Little Pony.

We just got back from Disney World and few weeks ago and DH and I noticed how much DD wanted to play with other kids. But at this age, she wouldn't have much in common with an infant, so it's sort of a moot point. Even if I were to get pregnant today, there would be 5 years between them.

Anyway, I'm glad to connect with other moms of onlies. I'm not feeling another baby in my future.


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## Zuzu822

This thread is providing me with a lot of food-for-thought! I'm not sure if we'll have more children or not, but I do have one nagging thought if we do stop with DS. I've always felt led to homeschool, and I wonder at doing that with one. Are any of you considering homeschooling an only child? Both DH and I are pretty introverted and happy to spend time at home together, and don't have a lot of friends we spend a lot of time with. I'd be nervous about raising a friendless, socially awkward child because of OUR inhibitions with getting out there. (Note: Typically, I do not think "socialization" is an issue with homschooling, but normally I think about HS families with several children.) I think, well at least with two, they'd have each other if we didn't do lots of other activities. Anyone with a similar situation? Or is there a thread in the Learning at Home forum about schooling only children?


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## katheek77

We are def. keeping homeschool as an option. I taught, both in public and private elementary schools, and that's NOT the environment I want our daughter in. So, while I'm not knee-jerk reactionary to traditional schooling, it would have to be a stellar school and teacher before I'd put her in that situation.

As far as socialization, I don't see too much of a difference between socializing a homeschooled only or a homeschooled sibling. You search out group activities, take the child out (and, let's face it, MUCH easier with only one), etc. Most kids I know DON'T play with the people they're in class with, anyway, onlies or siblings. They play mostly with the neighborhood kids, and sometimes with the kids in their brownie troop, or the kids on their soccer team, and so on and so forth.

I will say that I'm sort of pushing to live in a neighborhood that has some children around Katie's age by the time she gets to be that age, but, I don't think she'll end up being a socially awkward "freak" just because she's not in traditional school and doesn't have any siblings.


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## ItsAllGood

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
I look forward to chatting and sharing with you ladies...as an only myself, I can answer lots of questions about what it means and feels to be an "only."

There are many benefit and some drawbacks.

Shannon

Hello moms of onlines! Devster4fun I think that would be a most wonderful input gift you could give us. As a parent of an only, but not having that perspective as I am a sibling, I often feel I would love to talk to an "adult" only child who has lived and breathed the experience, so to speak. Someone who could share their experiences on what it means and feels to be an only...especially now as an adult...because we all are always concerned about our children's futures and such. I often have been asked about what it is like being in a large family, so I guess this may be the flipside, and it is so true benefits and drawbacks all around. And the funny thing is I could have also seen myself as an only child as well as a sibling. But I digress...

Okay, so do you want to jump in with some benefits and drawbacks to being an only. And of course, we all know that you speak not for all onlies, just for yourself, and that is super.


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## ItsAllGood

*ADULT ONLIES*
Sorry to leave any other adult onlies out in my previous post. In reading further in the thread, I see that there are more adult onlies with only child here on this thread. That is great, in the other discussion there were not many.
We are only child by choice.
And our biggest concerns are how will how child feel about that in the future and also weirdly enough her "safety". Who looks out for the older only child if the parents are gone (passed away). Who do they turn to in a time of crisis, somehow a built in sibling, no matter the relationship level still has someone to connect with. Albiet I do find that most people do develop close relationships with friends and tell them more of their secrets and private lives than their families. Also that with close freinds you can be more of yourself and not be sucked into that "family role" that your family of siblings and parents have set for you. (rant over).
But I do wonder, if the only child needs help, goes missing for over a week, who will know...I even get sad thoughts of a missing person tha no one identifies (too much TV) (they always add the comment "no parents, no siblings").
One of the things we like about having an only is you can do ANYTHING !! Lots of resources, money for one, etc fun fun, and it seems families of 3 look peaceful. And the moms are not having that "crazy" parent look of too many kids to take care of, like they have lost themselves in the land of parenthood.
Now then switching back, after menopause...how will we feel them ???
Jeez, this post is all over the place ! See what happens when you eat candy at the computer !


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## Zuzu822

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
We are def. keeping homeschool as an option. I taught, both in public and private elementary schools, and that's NOT the environment I want our daughter in. So, while I'm not knee-jerk reactionary to traditional schooling, it would have to be a stellar school and teacher before I'd put her in that situation.

As far as socialization, I don't see too much of a difference between socializing a homeschooled only or a homeschooled sibling. You search out group activities, take the child out (and, let's face it, MUCH easier with only one), etc. Most kids I know DON'T play with the people they're in class with, anyway, onlies or siblings. They play mostly with the neighborhood kids, and sometimes with the kids in their brownie troop, or the kids on their soccer team, and so on and so forth.

I will say that I'm sort of pushing to live in a neighborhood that has some children around Katie's age by the time she gets to be that age, but, I don't think she'll end up being a socially awkward "freak" just because she's not in traditional school and doesn't have any siblings.

Thanks for your reply. I'm a former public school teacher too, and I'm really not loving the idea of traditional public or private schools, only child or not.

I didn't mean to imply that HS kids are unsocialized freaks (especially since I'm one of them







), I just was thinking of living in our rural area with an only, homeschooled child and how we could easily be pretty isolated especially during long winters. I think homeschooling in general provides more authentic social interactions than school environments, but that discussion doesn't belong here.









On the other hand, we like our lives to be family centered so only being involved in one or two groups/activities and not having two dozen friends is okay too.

Anyway, lots to think about!

Thanks again for your thoughts.


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## skillet04

Goodie! Another tribe to call my own.

I have one son. He will be 6 on July 31st of this year. Yes, we know I have pcos and that keeps us from conceiving again and as I get older I am not sure if we will, doesn't mean I am not trying to eat right and exercise and pray that it does happen but well it's been 5 years now of not using any form of bc and still no sibling for DS.

We have looked into adoption but for now that is on hold.

I also feel left out in other mom type situations. They all have 2, 3,4, 5, 6+ kids and are always complaining about something....and act like I have it easy. So I in turn also avoid a lot of mom type get togethers because of this. In fact on Thursdays when my son is at gymnastics with only other home schooled children, I just sit on the floor and read because the other moms seem off standish or like they already have their cliques and we are the only family there with an only...

Nice to meet everyone here.


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## AntMom

Hi everyone,

I'm an only with an only--so I'm happy to see this thread! My ds is four, and although I always pictured having a lot of kids, that doesn't seem to be happening for me. It did take me a lot of infertility treatments to have him, but honestly, after he was born, I felt like I was done. Only recently have I even considered going back to treatment for another, and that was only because I had frozen embryos. Now that those are gone I feel like I can finally "choose" to have an only.

There are many benefits to just one. I was very happy as an only and never missed having a sibling. I still don't (although I do have a half sister now, 26 years younger than me--more like a niece than a sister). My son is pretty adamant that he wants to be the only one. I like the one-on-one time with him. I like being able to carry him around even though he is four (I always felt bad for kids his age who walked next to their moms carrying other babies). We co-sleep and I can't imagine having another one in bed with us. So far, we seem like a perfect family of three. If I did have another child, I know we would adapt to that too, but it's nice to know that things are terrific the way they are.

Socialization is definitely not a problem here, either. He has many friends and goes to several classes. With one, it's easier to spend money on things like art classes (I have a neighbor who could never do anything with her twins because it is twice as expensive). He is very outgoing and speaks well--and I think a lot of that is because he is an only.


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## *LoveBugMama*

Can I join?










I am the mother of an only. Noah Matheo just turned six, and will be an only. I am a single mother by choice, and will not have more kids. I love being Noah`s mommy, and am so, so grateful that I got to be mommy to the worlds best Noah Matheo.







But being a mommy is such hard work!! I have noe idea what I would do if I had to divide myself between Noah and a sibling. That would be way to much work and stress for me.









Now that my son is 6, people have more or less stopped asking me when I will have another. When he was younger, everyone wanted to tell me how important it was for him to have siblings. A lady even told me "please, don`t do this to him! You can`t let him be an only. That`s just not a nice thinng to do to him...."







:

My sons father is my best friend. He lives next door, and spends time with us/Noah as much as he can. Normally they spend every afternoon together.


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## AntMom

Quote:

And our biggest concerns are how will how child feel about that in the future and also weirdly enough her "safety". Who looks out for the older only child if the parents are gone (passed away). Who do they turn to in a time of crisis, somehow a built in sibling, no matter the relationship level still has someone to connect with.
I just wanted to comment on this from an end-of-life perspective--not only am I an only, but my grandmother was also an only. She passed away last year after struggling with Alzheimer's, but in her case, she was surrounded by family through the whole thing: my grandfather, her two children, and me. She was never alone, and that is more than I can say for most of the other people in the nursing home with her.

As for me, I turn to plenty of other people besides my mom--my husband, two very close friends. I have extended family I can count on as well. No need for sibs here! fwiw, two of my close friends are also onlies (there are others as well, but I have a special bond with them). And my half-sister (who is also an only) has a best friend who is--you guessed it--an only.

hope this helps answer some of those nagging questions . . .


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CrunchyTamara* 
But being a mommy is such hard work!! I have noe idea what I would do if I had to divide myself between Noah and a sibling. That would be way to much work and stress for me.










Agreed. I have enough trouble keeping the one I have from drinking Drano, let alone the thought of having more to divide my attention.









I have to admit, I like the idea of focusing all of my time, energy, and money on one child over a bunch. Quality over quantity, I guess. I really want to be able to afford to do things that she would like to be involved in that do require some money. If there is only one, than that isn't so bad, but if I had two or more children that wanted to do the same thing that cost like 40 bucks a month, it could easily get out of control fast. And then how do you choose who gets to do the activities if you only have limited funds? Eh, forget it.

Back when I was pregnant, my husband and I spent some time with his uncle and aunt who have five young children. Uncle and aunt were really nice people, no doubt, but after staying there a week, I wanted to hang myself. Screaming children running around, getting each other into trouble all the time. It was just way too much for me. Both my husband and I felt like ripping out our reproductive systems after that visit. That put the nail in the coffin of the idea of ever having a lot of kids for us.

I just recently had someone over to visit. She had her baby within days of mine and just found out she was pregnant again. Totally unwanted, but not unexpected given their birth control method (hence, I really can't feel sorry for her). Just the thought of two kids so close together has me running for the hills, spooning out my uterus.

I am excited about my kid getting older. I can't wait to go camping, scouting, skiing, sailing, rafting, hunting, etc with her. I am always puzzled by people who like the infant phase so much. Yeah, they are cute, but that is about it. Infants are as interesting as a box of bricks until they are about 8 months or so.


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## APCDmama

Hi!

Interesting thoughts about schooling an only. I would love to homeschool my DD, but DH isn't on board. (I am a teacher who has taught in both private and public schools, and haven't been impressed by either system.) However, DD is already talking about going to school and I am willing to give the local public school a try. If it doesn't work out, we can always change our minds, right?

We are very happy with one child. Our family is perfect for us! Although the negative comments about onlies are dwindling, a colleague completely offended me last week by saying, "Having only one child is unhealthy. You really need to reconsider." Ummmm, excuse me?!! You are always talking about how stressed and busy you are...how you have no time for yourself...how you HAVE to work outside the home to support your family...etc. This woman has 4 children, 3 still living at home. She is extremely overweight and emotionally miserable most of the time. How can she talk to me about making healthy choices? It blows my mind. It simply amazes me that anyone would say something so rude.

Having said all that, I realize she probably has good intentions. Truly. She loves her daughters enormously and believes that self-sacrifice is a necessary evil of parenting. Of course, we all make sacrifices for our children, but I believe that balance is important. My DD was very spirited as an infant-toddler and is just settling down to a manageable level. She has thrived on all the one-on-one attention we've been able to provide. If we had two children, I don't think we could meet her needs as well. KWIM? Also, I'm not sure our relationship (me & DH) would survive another baby, even if that baby were "easier" than the first. We took a hard hit, mostly due to sleep-deprivation and absolutely no outside help.

So...my reasons for having ONE child:

- traumatic birth experience with health complications for me
- spirited child who didn't sleep and screamed for the first 3 months of life
- no outside help (both sides of family live far away from us)
- desire to leave a smaller footprint on the earth and its resources
- easier to continue my career as DD gets older
- higher need for quiet alone time than an average person (both me & DH)
- MOST IMPORTANTLY: We are very happy as a family and I can't think of any good reason to have another baby.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APCDmama* 
We are very happy with one child. Our family is perfect for us! Although the negative comments about onlies are dwindling, a colleague completely offended me last week by saying, "Having only one child is unhealthy. You really need to reconsider." Ummmm, excuse me?!! *You are always talking about how stressed and busy you are...how you have no time for yourself...how you HAVE to work outside the home to support your family...etc.* This woman has 4 children, 3 still living at home. She is extremely overweight and *emotionally miserable* most of the time. How can she talk to me about making healthy choices? It blows my mind. It simply amazes me that anyone would say something so rude.



I think misery loves company.


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## APCDmama

Sonnenwende, I think you've hit the nail on that one...


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ItsAllGood* 
Hello moms of onlines! Devster4fun I think that would be a most wonderful input gift you could give us. As a parent of an only, but not having that perspective as I am a sibling, I often feel I would love to talk to an "adult" only child who has lived and breathed the experience, so to speak. Someone who could share their experiences on what it means and feels to be an only...especially now as an adult...because we all are always concerned about our children's futures and such. I often have been asked about what it is like being in a large family, so I guess this may be the flipside, and it is so true benefits and drawbacks all around. And the funny thing is I could have also seen myself as an only child as well as a sibling. But I digress...

Okay, so do you want to jump in with some benefits and drawbacks to being an only. And of course, we all know that you speak not for all onlies, just for yourself, and that is super.

Oh, Hi everyone!! Sorry I haven't checked in...busy with my only child









It's great to hear the other mama's perspectives and experiences with an only and being an only.

I did have a first this week...I visited a newborn of a friend in the hospital. I was interested in seeing how I felt. Did it make me want another? Would I miss the true "baby" stage? Ummmm. NO! I honestly could not imagine doing it again.

DD is 13.5 months and a delight. She's been an "easy" baby, good sleeper, great eater, zero reflux, zero sickness, we're truly blessed. My Mom (the best) lives across the street and is retired. Still doesn't make me want another.

Honestly, the only thing that gets to me is tiny baby clothes. They're so cute.
















IMO, there are very few drawbacks to being an only. As an adult, I do see some differences between myself and my friends. I enjoy and need time alone. I don't need a friend to go out to dinner with. I don't need a friend to go to the bathroom etc....

I love seeing the other thoughts here.


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## Phoebes*mom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 

IMO, there are very few drawbacks to being an only. As an adult, I do see some differences between myself and my friends. I enjoy and need time alone. I don't need a friend to go out to dinner with. I don't need a friend to go to the bathroom etc....

I love seeing the other thoughts here.

I had to LOL here. You've described me as well--and I'm one of *five* kids!


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 

DD is 13.5 months and a delight. She's been an "easy" baby, good sleeper, great eater, zero reflux, zero sickness, we're truly blessed. My Mom (the best) lives across the street and is retired. Still doesn't make me want another.


My daughter is a month older, but the same way, except she did have horrible reflux and puking. It never seemed painful or even annoying for her. Was for me though. Sometimes she could get some serious distance with that spit up and the fountains that were thrown on up on occasion were just...Yeah, don't want to relive that and neither does my keyboard or carpets. However, my daughter was/is otherwise fantastic.

I feel like in someways I would be pressing my luck too much like my mother did. I was a fantastic baby (firstborn) much like my daughter. My sister (secondborn) was express delivered from Baby Hell itself. Horrible colic/reflux, screamed 24/7 until she was 13 or so months, always got sick times worse than either my brother or I did. She has always been needy and dependent. Who would have guessed based on me that my mother would have gotten someone like my sister?







:

I think another reason I don't want more kids is fears about the future. Nothing is written in stone and it would just be easier if we were the three of us as opposed to thirteen of us if I and/or my husband both lost our jobs, became disabled, died, got divorced. Horrible to think about, but those are all real, however unlikely, possibilities.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Phoebes*mom* 
I had to LOL here. You've described me as well--and I'm one of *five* kids!









So, you had to search for alone time as a child!







It does drive me nuts though, when I'm out with a few certain friends. They can't even drive somewhere alone. Like, "...oh can I follow you there?" I'm thinking, no!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
My daughter is a month older, but the same way, except she did have horrible reflux and puking. It never seemed painful or even annoying for her. Was for me though. Sometimes she could get some serious distance with that spit up and the fountains that were thrown on up on occasion were just...Yeah, don't want to relive that and neither does my keyboard or carpets. However, my daughter was/is otherwise fantastic.

I feel like in someways I would be pressing my luck too much like my mother did. I was a fantastic baby (firstborn) much like my daughter. My sister (secondborn) was express delivered from Baby Hell itself. Horrible colic/reflux, screamed 24/7 until she was 13 or so months, always got sick times worse than either my brother or I did. She has always been needy and dependent. Who would have guessed based on me that my mother would have gotten someone like my sister?







:

I think another reason I don't want more kids is fears about the future. Nothing is written in stone and it would just be easier if we were the three of us as opposed to thirteen of us if I and/or my husband both lost our jobs, became disabled, died, got divorced. Horrible to think about, but those are all real, however unlikely, possibilities.

My SIL's first DS had that projectile vomiting issue. She said he set some distance records. Yucky.

I hear you on your last point. I get so, so tired of hearing/reading people complain about how difficult it is with "x" amount of kids. I mean, there's like 50 different ways to NOT have more kids. I respect those who choose to have a big family, that's wonderful....for them. And, it's ok to vent about the challenges they might face. There are challenges to having an only child too. (And I can vent about those here







)


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:

I mean, there's like 50 different ways to NOT have more kids.
Yeah. I never understood why people feel the need to keep having children when they discover after the first that the whole parenting deal isn't all it was cracked up to be for them personally. I found that out. I admit it. Not like I can or would want to put my daughter back now, but I have to stop more from coming while I am ahead. My husband agreed with this before I did and now we are planning the vasectomy for before he comes so it is a non-issue. If I were to divorce my husband, I would get a tubal.

I thought this was an interesting article:

Quote:

Myths About Only Children

By Toni Falbo

This article is one in a series written by scholars and researchers in a variety of fields at UT Austin. Dr. Toni Falbo is a professor of educational psychology and sociology.

AUSTIN, Texas - Negative views of "only children" growing up without siblings are common. Many people believe these kinds of children are lonely, selfish and maladjusted.

Because these views have been around so long, researchers began to test them, conducting studies of only children, and comparing "onlies" to others, such as firstborns or people from large families. Hundreds of studies have been conducted in the U.S. and around the world.

Now we know that:

Only children are no more lonely than others. People assume that only children grow up alone, without the benefit of child company. In fact, the parents of only children generally provide them opportunities for child companionship, via neighborhood play groups, school clubs and sports teams.

Only children are no more selfish than others. In the past, people assumed that only children were over-indulged and therefore, spoiled by their parents. But now we know that parents of only children do not over-indulge them, but rather these parents indulge their children just enough to motivate them to meet their expectations. Thus, only children do not grow up to become selfish adults.

Only children are no more maladjusted than others. Several studies of the mental health of children without siblings indicate that these children are as well adjusted as others. This is not to say that there are no maladjusted only children, but that the proportion of maladjusted "onlies" is the same as the proportion of maladjusted children from larger families.

In addition to discovering all the ways that only children are like other people, the research studies have informed us about the ways that only children are different from others. These differences indicate that only children have some advantages in their upbringing, particularly when compared to people from large families:

Only children have higher self-esteem than others. Positive attention from parents helps children develop and maintain a positive view of themselves. Only children have an advantage here in that they receive more attention from their parents than children from larger families. This positive attention does not spoil children, but rather allows parents to monitor their children and take corrective action when needed.

Only children achieve more than others. Because the parents of only children have more time and other resources to devote toward their child's development, only children tend to do better in school and complete more years of education than others. Consequently, only children later tend to have more prestigious occupations than others.

Given these findings, why do people continue to believe that only children are disadvantaged? In order to answer this question, we need to understand how people think. The stereotype of only children is that they are selfish, lonely, and maladjusted. Even though scientific research tells us this statement is not true, once a stereotype exists, it is almost impossible to eliminate. This happens because every time a person sees a confirming case, belief in the stereotype is affirmed and is not lessened by the fact there are proportionately as many children with siblings who are just as selfish, lonely, and maladjusted.

Furthermore, once people believe in the "only child" stereotype, they are unlikely to notice that some only children are not selfish, not lonely, not maladjusted. One of the characteristics of humans is that we seek out confirming evidence, ignore contradictory evidence and, in this way, maintain our beliefs.
http://utopia.utexas.edu/articles/op..._children.html


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## caspian's mama

just noticed this thread. don't have time to read it all, but want to give a shout out from our family of 3.









and devster, nice frickin quote.


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## Sonnenwende

Welcome aboard!


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## Copper

another family of three here too that does not include our pets though.

We homeschool our dd we did K last year so we will be heading into the "first grade" soon! Wow does time fly!


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## Azuluna

I am sort of torn...DP and I got together agreeing that my DD (prev. relationship) would be our only child, and I never thought I'd change my mind but last year I got baby fever in the WORST way. Everyone we knew was pg or had bitty babies, it was spreading like wildfire! I really got consumed by it, and DP and I talked about it a lot and eventually he agreed to TTC another. We did, I bought all kinds of baby stuff, I got pg, I miscarried a blighted ovum at nearly 11 weeks and I think I'm over it. Really. I guess I've run out of stuff to romanticize and now I'm thinking about all of the realities.

After the m/c I took some time for myself, and I really realized how much happier I am as DD gets older and more independent. She was a very high-needs/fussy/clingy/sensitive baby and she is still very needy. When I really think about it, I can come up with more reasons why _not_ to have a baby than the other way around. Most of them are selfish - I was an only for 6.5 years and even once I had sisters I spent most of my time playing by myself...a baby isn't much of a playmate for a nearly 7 year old. So I really miss having time for myself. I can get it sometimes if I enlist help, or wait until DD is in bed, but I miss being able to read uninterrupted for hours, or taking a bath, or listening to headphones without worrying that my child might be crying/choking/etc.

My family is the worst about pressuring me for another. My dad was an only child and died when I was 10 months old, and when I suggested that I intended to stop at one, my mom actually said "Well, your grandmother only had one and now she doesn't have any" While I understand where she was coming from, it's ridiculous to suggest having a second child "for backup". Nothing could replace DD.

MDC is not helpful if one has a bout with the baby fever, either. Bellies, baby pictures, birth stories, etc - I do think it's beautiful and powerful and womanly. I think a lot of my problem was/is wishing I could have a "do-over" and change things I wished had happened with DD, like having a homebirth instead, or nursing until 2 instead of 1.5, or going through it with a patner who wasn't a total nutjob....but when it comes down to it, I don't long to re-do teething, or potty training, or screaming meltdown in public, or insomnia, and we really are happy as we are.

I am going to have to admit this to DP, and I am also going to have to figure out where I can get the best price for all this baby gear I bought...maybe I just like shopping!


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## WillyMom

Hello,
My DS is 11mo and DH is done. He says that he feels complete and that our little family is perfect.
Honestly, I agree with him and have always said one is enough.
So ladies tell me this: How do I get past the feeling that I am somehow not a "real" family with only one? I know it is just societal pressure but it feels real. Also, tell me about what your older verbal onlies feel abot being an only. I honestly feel that we have made our decision and I a just in the process of working through it. Also, any SAHM of onlies or PT-WOH of onlies?
I love DS so much and he is just so wonderful. I feel so lucky and blessed everyday. When I look at him I do not feel the need to do it all over with another. I just want to do it all over with him. The only reason I would have another is to give him a sibling and DH and I don't feel that is a good enough reason.
I just guess I need some support coming to terms with our decision and gearing up for all the annoying comments


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## karlin

Welcome!

A family of 3 is definitely a real family, and it will feel more like one as your child gets older.

My son will be 4 in 2 months. He doesn't really talk about being an only. Sometimes his friends will ask why he doesn't have any brothers and sisters, and he usually says he just doesn't have any. He has, on occasion, asked about me having another baby. We've talked about it a little, and he seems quite happy not having to share his toys or his mommy. 









I am a SAHM, and I love it mostly.


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## WillyMom

Thanks for the reply Karlin and the warm welcome.
I think its what we always wanted and now I am just looking into preparing for the future.
I am currently a PT-WOH mom (20hrs/wk) but want to stay home. Some people (rude) have said "Why with only 1?" as if DS counts less


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## female18-

Parent of an only child here!
Im 18, ds is 4.
I'll come back here to read all the pages later when hes in bed, just wanted to say hello


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
We have been blessed to have our 3 1/2 year old DS but conceiving more children are not in the cards for us.

I hoped to find others who are in the same boat.

There is so much outside pressure to adopt, try every drug under the sun, and . DH and I are at the point where we know only one is all we are to have.

Those of you with one know what I mean. I also find sometimes the issues that we face are a little different than those with 2 or more children. A child who does not have to share toys regularly with a sibling, who does not have to share attention of mom and dad with anyone else, and the concerns of making sure they are not overly spoiled







.

I find it hard when sharing to parents of multiple children. So I'd like to connect with some in my same boat.

So glad to find this thread! DH & I were fairly certain we only wanted one, and before DD even arrived we knew we were done having babies. I don't mean that in a negative way - we just felt like our family was complete. It felt right for it to be the three of us.

We're sometimes on completely different pages than our friends with multiple kids, and it's odd for me. It's especially odd because now many friends are going on to have or consider having their *third* babies.

Anyway, it's good to connect with other parents of onlies.


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinuviel_k* 
Hello! Denali is 3.5 and she is an only. I was up for having two children, but my husband was iffy about having kids at all, so we comprimised on having one. Aaron got a vasectomy in November. I actually feel really good about having an only child, though all our families are hugely dissapointed. I think MIL prays nightly for DH's vasectomy to fail







: .









DH hasn't told anyone in his family that he got a vasectomy, because he knows they'd have a fit. It gives us a secret giggle every time we get crap about having the next baby, though.


----------



## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
What if I turned it around? Like, well....you'll probably change your mind about having 3 and put 2 up for adoption.


----------



## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
I did have a first this week...I visited a newborn of a friend in the hospital. I was interested in seeing how I felt. Did it make me want another? Would I miss the true "baby" stage? Ummmm. NO! I honestly could not imagine doing it again.

We got a kitten this winter, and friend came over with her boys to play. She was enjoying playing with Holly, and then turned to me and said, "I love coming over to visit the kitten! She's so much fun to watch and play with but I so completely don't want another cat. I imagine that's how you feel about babies."

And you know what? She's exactly right!


----------



## bluetoes

Just jumping in....

I have a 9.5 month old son. I always said when I was pregnant that the wee man would be the only child. And even now I know that is true. I guess my issue is that while I would like more children and get clucky when I hold new babies I know having more children is a BAD idea for a number of reasons:

1. I can barely handle one child.
2. Terrible PPD which I am still fighting, on a medication that is not safe to pregnancy or breastfeeding.
3. Health reasons. I have chronic high blood pressure. My pressures were so high towards the end I could see the fear in my doctor and the nurses eyes. I didn't have PE and the were shocked, but a stroke was still a real risk.
4. Don't want another c-section. Because of the reasons for my section and my blood pressure I am a bad candidate for a VBAC
5. Did I mention I can barely handle one child
6. My husband thinks one child is just fine. He had to deal with how depressed I was during the pregnancy and the aftermath and is also very hands on and works his ass off being a dad. He knows his own limitations.
7. Self loathing still continues over 'failing' at breast feeding
8. Don't think I would have the energy to really do things right for two
9. Finances
10. My voluteer work is important to me. I want to have time for that and being a mommy. I also want my son involved and one child can come along. Two would be too much to handle
11. I have four dogs and I am responsible for them as well. I have to give them as much care and attention as they're use to which would be difficult with another child.

So honestly me having another child is a bad bad idea and I need to work on accepting that. When I see families of more than one child I imagine the chaos and it's nearly enough to send me into a full on panic! Why would I think I could cope with that! One child is so portable and I don't want to trade my beetle in for a mini-van!

I need to get to where I am with puppies - I love to hold them, play with them, and smell there little puppy breath but I don't want a puppy!


----------



## devster4fun

Well look at all the families who just want one...whoda thunk it?

Just checking in...I hadn't seen this thread in awhile. I love reading other people's experiences. Many are so, so similar to ours.

DH is thinking about getting the big "V" at the end of this month.

DD just turned 14 months. We're having such a blast with her. I just love watching them together.

Oops...DD waking up from nap....more later.


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## N8'sMom

Hey! I am an only child and was the only grandchild for 14 years. I was SPOILED!!
I have one child at the moment, but I am going to have more.
It sucked for me being an only. It was cool for a little while, when I was a kid, and getting all the attention and tons of gifts, etc...but now that I am an adult I wish I had a brother or sister to hang out with. I wish my son had an aunt or uncle on my side. He never will and he won't have any first cousins on my side either....that sucks....and then when my parents get older and pass away, it'll be ONLY me that will deal with that. That will be hard. I wish my mom had another kid. That's why I will definitely have another.


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## Sonnenwende

This is a support thread for parents of onlies. If you didn't like being an only fine, but go somewhere else.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *N8'sMom* 
Hey! I am an only child and was the only grandchild for 14 years. I was SPOILED!!
I have one child at the moment, but I am going to have more.
It sucked for me being an only. It was cool for a little while, when I was a kid, and getting all the attention and tons of gifts, etc...but now that I am an adult I wish I had a brother or sister to hang out with. I wish my son had an aunt or uncle on my side. He never will and he won't have any first cousins on my side either....that sucks....and then when my parents get older and pass away, it'll be ONLY me that will deal with that. That will be hard. I wish my mom had another kid. That's why I will definitely have another.

Yes, welcome to MDC. But, Finding Your Tribe area is a support only place. No debating, just support. There are tribes of large families etc...please check those out.

I was an only child and loved it. Attention and gifts is but a tiny part of what it means to be an only. Our family is beyond small and that is fine. My father passed away, without warning, last year and as and ONLY...I figured it out. It WAS hard. I miss him everyday. Having a sibling wouldn't have made his passing any easier.

For me, being an only child is part of what made me who I am. I'm independent, a leader, confident and secure. I'm extremely loyal and enjoy being alone to explore the world. Those are all positive things in my life, due (in part) to my upbringing as an only child.


----------



## N8'sMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
This is a support thread for parents of onlies. If you didn't like being an only fine, but go somewhere else.

just giving my experience and opinion on it....geez! a little rude!


----------



## Sonnenwende

Here is the wrong place for it. Read the rules before you post. I don't agree with a lot of the things I read in the support threads here but I don't run in them and tell them why they suck like you did.


----------



## AntMom

Quote:

I was an only child and loved it. Attention and gifts is but a tiny part of what it means to be an only. Our family is beyond small and that is fine. My father passed away, without warning, last year and as and ONLY...I figured it out. It WAS hard. I miss him everyday. Having a sibling wouldn't have made his passing any easier.

For me, being an only child is part of what made me who I am. I'm independent, a leader, confident and secure. I'm extremely loyal and enjoy being alone to explore the world. Those are all positive things in my life, due (in part) to my upbringing as an only child.
I agree with Devster. Attention is a tiny part of it. Although I worry about my parents passing away, I know that having a brother or sister wouldn't make it any easier. And I think by being an only child, I was forced to learn to make my own way in the world, making friends beyond the family and learning to interact with a wide range of people. I am self-reliant and that is a good thing. I see the same things happening with my son. Sure, he loves attention, but a lot of non-onlies do too!

I don't think sibs are built-in companions, either. I have many friends that never talk to their sibs, or they don't live nearby, or whatever. People in general are more spread out these days. It's a good skill to be able to make new friends and adapt to new situations.

Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend with their onlies!


----------



## swissmiss

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AntMom* 
I agree with Devster. Attention is a tiny part of it. Although I worry about my parents passing away, I know that having a brother or sister wouldn't make it any easier. And I think by being an only child, I was forced to learn to make my own way in the world, making friends beyond the family and learning to interact with a wide range of people. I am self-reliant and that is a good thing. I see the same things happening with my son. Sure, he loves attention, but a lot of non-onlies do too!

I don't think sibs are built-in companions, either. I have many friends that never talk to their sibs, or they don't live nearby, or whatever. People in general are more spread out these days. It's a good skill to be able to make new friends and adapt to new situations.

Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend with their onlies!

















Couldn't have said it better myself!
I'm not an only, and my dh and I both consider our brothers (we each have one, 3 years younger than us) our best buds, but until reading what you have written here (and I've only checked these last few posts) I had some regrets in that area about having an only. Thanks for putting my mind at ease! I'm really glad to see this thread.
And P.S. I know a family of three siblings, all in their 50s, who do not talk to one another. And I know several Onlies, including my stepbrother, who are wonderful, wonderful people. Perhaps less selfish and more giving than many others. And yes, I just had a fabulous weekend, alone with my only!


----------



## N8'sMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
Here is the wrong place for it. Read the rules before you post. I don't agree with a lot of the things I read in the support threads here but I don't run in them and tell them why they suck like you did.

Excuse me? When did I say anyone sucked? I was talking about my own experience as an only. You need to re-read my post because I was not directing that at anyone.
You need to chill out and quit being so hateful and rude. You have no business telling someone to go post somewhere else. If you're in a bad mood, take it out on someone else.


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

Subbing!







:

First of all, let me say right off the bat how happy am I to find this place! A lot of your words have resonated with me and I found myself nodding along as I read almost everyone's posts, except the one on top of this page.

I have been contemplating for months now to stick with only one. Our dd is beautiful, delightful, and very high needs. Before we had her, we wanted to have two or three kids but that was before we knew what it was like. I think it's VERY smart not to spread ourselves too thin and to focus on the one child we brought into this world and of course our marriage. It has gone through a lot this year and suffered a lot. We are JUST picking up the pieces now and getting along better.

We deal with sleepless nights, teething, separation anxiety etc. We have successfully dealt with colic. yay!
We can barely handle the one we have and really, I CANNOt wait till I can get at least 4 hours of sleep. haha. I don't want to have to do this ever again.
Don't get me wrong. This year has been wonderful in many more ways than it has been challenging. However, I have realized that I'm just not cut out to be the person who puts in years into breeding and raising children. I want to move on, start being able to fulfill our dreams. Now that we have become parents, we have realized one of those dreams. I have heard so many ppl say they still got to do a lot with one but as soon as they had another one, even getting out of the house became a huge ordeal. Call me selfish, but that's not what I want for our family.

Another reason why I don't want a large family is based on our own history.

I come from a large family and my parents were too busy and stressed out to be involved in my life. We couldn't even afford for all of us to be in extra curricular activities. It would be nearly impossible for them to get to even parent-teacher conferences. That's not the kind of life I want for our child.
My dh is from a large (blended) family and suffered from parents having favorites and him constantly getting the short end of the stick as the middle child and being a step son.

So it just makes Sense for us to nurture and love the one we have right now and be able to provide for her and for ourselves. The future looks optimistic having an only whereas just adding another one into the mix just throws everything off balance.

The pressure, from family and friends, of course to have more is Huge. It is ironic though that we don't have any support from family members at all. They have yet to even come over and hang out with the dd we have. She is 10.5 months old.

Honestly though, At the end of the day, I want to come to a quiet house and escape from the chaos. I have always lived for that. I think dd will have a huge advantage in that sense. She will have a quiet place to rest at the end of the day and meditate/relax. It will become part of her lifestyle. There are soo many pros to having an only child and everyday, I become more certain of our decision.

A family of three is JUSt right for us!


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *N8'sMom* 
Excuse me? When did I say anyone sucked? I was talking about my own experience as an only. You need to re-read my post because I was not directing that at anyone.
You need to chill out and quit being so hateful and rude. You have no business telling someone to go post somewhere else. If you're in a bad mood, take it out on someone else.

I get in a bad mood when people like you don't pay attention to what this thread is actually for: People who have onlies and are not having any more children, whether by choice or circumstance.

It is not for people to come in here and whine about how they hated being an only and talk about how they are having many more. Get. A. Clue.


----------



## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommy2Amira* 
Subbing!







:

First of all, let me say right off the bat how happy am I to find this place! A lot of your words have resonated with me and I found myself nodding along as I read almost everyone's posts, except the one on top of this page.

I have been contemplating for months now to stick with only one. Our dd is beautiful, delightful, and very high needs. Before we had her, we wanted to have two or three kids but that was before we knew what it was like. I think it's VERY smart not to spread ourselves too thin and to focus on the one child we brought into this world and of course our marriage. It has gone through a lot this year and suffered a lot. We are JUST picking up the pieces now and getting along better.

We deal with sleepless nights, teething, separation anxiety etc. We have successfully dealt with colic. yay!
We can barely handle the one we have and really, I CANNOt wait till I can get at least 4 hours of sleep. haha. I don't want to have to do this ever again.
Don't get me wrong. This year has been wonderful in many more ways than it has been challenging. However, I have realized that I'm just not cut out to be the person who puts in years into breeding and raising children. I want to move on, start being able to fulfill our dreams. Now that we have become parents, we have realized one of those dreams. I have heard so many ppl say they still got to do a lot with one but as soon as they had another one, even getting out of the house became a huge ordeal. Call me selfish, but that's not what I want for our family.

Another reason why I don't want a large family is based on our own history.

I come from a large family and my parents were too busy and stressed out to be involved in my life. We couldn't even afford for all of us to be in extra curricular activities. It would be nearly impossible for them to get to even parent-teacher conferences. That's not the kind of life I want for our child.
My dh is from a large (blended) family and suffered from parents having favorites and him constantly getting the short end of the stick as the middle child and being a step son.

So it just makes Sense for us to nurture and love the one we have right now and be able to provide for her and for ourselves. The future looks optimistic having an only whereas just adding another one into the mix just throws everything off balance.

The pressure, from family and friends, of course to have more is Huge. It is ironic though that we don't have any support from family members at all. They have yet to even come over and hang out with the dd we have. She is 10.5 months old.

Honestly though, At the end of the day, I want to come to a quiet house and escape from the chaos. I have always lived for that. I think dd will have a huge advantage in that sense. She will have a quiet place to rest at the end of the day and meditate/relax. It will become part of her lifestyle. There are soo many pros to having an only child and everyday, I become more certain of our decision.

A family of three is JUSt right for us!









Aside from the parts about you and your DH being from huge families, everything you said rings true for us as well! Especially the part about wanting to come home to a quiet house.

This may sound terrible, but I often pity the moms of 2 or more who are constantly frazzled, constantly dealing with siblings fighting, haven't gotten a full night's sleep in more than 5 years, and constantly have to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. Don't get me wrong -- our DD is very high-needs and high-energy as well, and I usually don't mind sacrificing our needs for hers, but that's also because I know there is an end in sight. As I keep reminding DH, she won't always be like this. We're hoping to take our first family vacation in a couple of years when she's 4, and after that, the world! As an infant/toddler, she's been a terrible little traveler, but I figure that's just a matter of time, and one fine day, she WILL sleep away from home, and like I said, I can't wait until we can travel!


----------



## N8'sMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
I get in a bad mood when people like you don't pay attention to what this thread is actually for: People who have onlies and are not having any more children, whether by choice or circumstance.

It is not for people to come in here and whine about how they hated being an only and talk about how they are having many more. Get. A. Clue.

get some manners, better yet find something else to do....i will...reading your hateful crap is a waste of time


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *N8'sMom* 
get some manners, better yet find something else to do....i will...reading your hateful crap is a waste of time

Well, if you had read in the first place, you would have known this wasn't the group for you and we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Anyway...

Quote:

This may sound terrible, but I often pity the moms of 2 or more who are constantly frazzled, constantly dealing with siblings fighting, haven't gotten a full night's sleep in more than 5 years, and constantly have to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. Don't get me wrong -- our DD is very high-needs and high-energy as well, and I usually don't mind sacrificing our needs for hers, but that's also because I know there is an end in sight.
Ah yes. I am frazzled enough with one. I would be a complete wreck with more than one.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
Well, if you had read in the first place, you would have known this wasn't the group for you and we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Umm yeah to that!!

What is with some of these mamas? There's like 50 different forums and a zillion threads. They pick this one







:







:

It was funny the other day, I was having a discussion with some friends about being an only and having an only. We were talking about this...Do onlies prefer or enjoy "the spotlight" more than others. (It's a generalization I know)

I'm on a serious tennis team and we were talking about if we mind when a crowd watches us play. I could care less...and yes I do like the attention and spotlight














I actually play better when I have an audience. Compare this to another player who is the youngest of 7!! She HATES an audience and we know not to gather to watch her matches.

For me...the bottem line about being an only child is you never know any other way. I applaude my parents for a making a choice they knew would be best for their marriage and our family.

And, HI Mommy2Amira...I enjoyed your post. Glad you're here.


----------



## WillyMom

I am glad this thread is here and active, for SUPPORT!
DH and I have talked about it A LOT this weekend, that is our decision to have only DS. We have realized that we believe that it is parents not siblings that can make or break a childhood, and that the ultimate responsibility for Ben's happiness rides on our shulders not a siblings. I have two siblings and did not have a happy childhood. DH has one brother and while they get along now my BIL was very cruel to my DH while growing up. This is not to say that people with siblings dont love their siblings and havent had great childhoods, its just to point out that it can work both ways.
So for now we are one and done. If we change our minds, great. If we dont great. either way we will focus on Ben and his happiness.
I honestly want to be done. I love Ben so much and really don't want to spread the love any further. There are other reasons too that I will get into in a later post but now DS is crying upstairs with DH and refusing to go to sleep. (is it the weather?). Gotta go put a boob in his mouth









Real quickly, Devster, thanks for ALL your posts. They help a lot. You being an only and then deciding to have an only is such a great example. Thanks!


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WillyMom* 
I am glad this thread is here and active, for SUPPORT!
DH and I have talked about it A LOT this weekend, that is our decision to have only DS. We have realized that we believe that it is parents not siblings that can make or break a childhood, and that the ultimate responsibility for Ben's happiness rides on our shulders not a siblings. I have two siblings and did not have a happy childhood. DH has one brother and while they get along now my BIL was very cruel to my DH while growing up. This is not to say that people with siblings dont love their siblings and havent had great childhoods, its just to point out that it can work both ways.
So for now we are one and done. If we change our minds, great. If we dont great. either way we will focus on Ben and his happiness.
I honestly want to be done. I love Ben so much and really don't want to spread the love any further. There are other reasons too that I will get into in a later post but now DS is crying upstairs with DH and refusing to go to sleep. (is it the weather?). Gotta go put a boob in his mouth









Real quickly, Devster, thanks for ALL your posts. They help a lot. You being an only and then deciding to have an only is such a great example. Thanks!


I love the name Ben. SO cute!

So true with the sibling issue. Having a brother or sister is not a guarantee that you'll have a lifelong friend.

Welcome...I look forward to chatting with everyone as our kiddos grow.

I want to hear about the challenges you face.


----------



## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
So true with the sibling issue. Having a brother or sister is not a guarantee that you'll have a lifelong friend.

Welcome...I look forward to chatting with everyone as our kiddos grow.

I want to hear about the challenges you face.

You know, I feel like it doesn't matter what choices you make - onlies or multiples, far spaced kiddos or kiddos who are only a year apart - there's going to be ups and downs no matter what. So all you can do is make the choices that are right for you and your family, and then deal with it. KWIM?

For us, the right choice is to have an only. I can be a damn good mother to my DD - but I know I couldn't be as good mother to more than one. I just know it in my bones, the same way I knew that DH was the one for me.

BTW... DD is 4 1/2. How old are your kiddos, everyone?


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 

This may sound terrible, but I often pity the moms of 2 or more who are constantly frazzled, constantly dealing with siblings fighting, haven't gotten a full night's sleep in more than 5 years, and constantly have to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.

Exactly! I'm already frazzled enough as it is. But there is an end in sight. Another perk is that dh and I don't have to divide and conquer, so to speak. We can be awesome parents to only one.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
Umm yeah to that!!

And, HI Mommy2Amira...I enjoyed your post. Glad you're here.

Hi! Thank you.







:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WillyMom* 
I am glad this thread is here and active, for SUPPORT!
DH and I have talked about it A LOT this weekend, that is our decision to have only DS. We have realized that we believe that it is parents not siblings that can make or break a childhood, and that the ultimate responsibility for Ben's happiness rides on our shulders not a siblings. I have two siblings and did not have a happy childhood. DH has one brother and while they get along now my BIL was very cruel to my DH while growing up. This is not to say that people with siblings dont love their siblings and havent had great childhoods, its just to point out that it can work both ways.

Dh's brother was really cruel to him too. And as for me, I'm the oldest of five children. My mom pit us against one another a lot. She encouraged "spying on one another and tattling". This strained our relationship a lot. This sounds terrible but I remember resenting my siblings for that and wishing I was an only child like one of my friends. Sadly, I still don't have much of a relationship with any of them. So yeah, it definately depends on the Parents and the way they raise their children that determines how happy and well-balanced they turn out.


----------



## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *N8'sMom* 
get some manners, better yet find something else to do....i will...reading your hateful crap is a waste of time

N8's mom, seriously, do read the rules and guidelines; they're in a sticky at the top of the FYT forum. Sonnewende is not picking on you, only pointing out how these threads are structured. I think you'll be much happier in a debate forum or in a thread with likeminded folks.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:

BTW... DD is 4 1/2. How old are your kiddos, everyone?
My daughter is 15.5 months old.

We just finally have broken a 7 week cycle of illness and teething, teething and illness. She has actually been very, very good this entire weekend. I want to have a party and knock on a lot of wood.

Oh and my husband is going in for his vasectomy next week. No, not looking forward to the carefree sex at all....


----------



## WillyMom

DS is 11mo.
So, some of the other reasons we are considering (95%sure) only one:
I was never one of those girls who always dreamt of the husband and house and tons of kids. I never dreamt of the wedding. I just kind of did my thing. When DH and I were togerther for 6 years we were having some wine and thought "should we get married?". At the wedding thoughts of kids didnt even enter our mind. We bought a house and I was 30 and it felt like maybe something was missing, so we got a dog. A few years later, we thought, maybe we should have a baby. One week of unprotected sex and the decision was made








Neither of us come from big families with lots of babies around. We have been basically flying by the seat of our pants. I think I am a good Mom and DH is great but its not completely natural to us. We dont know if we really could handle another. DS seems a bit sensitive and we worry that a sibling could bully him or take away that extra attention that he needs and craves. DS loves to be held and always wants our attention. The second night in the hospital he needed to be held all night. I was so exhausted that I sent him to the nursery for a few hours in between feedings (which I regre







, and the nurse told me that he had to be held the whole time. His first night home I sat up holding him all night (this is before I figured out cosleeping







). I finally figured he was only happy being held and began to baby wear and co-sleep. Still at 11 months there are times in the day where he plays for a minute then just literally crawls all over me asking to be held and how could I say no? Now, I dont know if this means he is sensitive and will continue to be but for me it means he needs me, a lot of me.
Also, and I don't want to offend anyone with this so please don't take this the wrong way. I suffer from basic anxiety and while pregnant I was very, very anxious about the health of the baby. I stressed so much about whether or not the baby would be healthy because I honestly dont feel that I could handle it other wise. The anxiety, while unwarranted was real and put a real strain on DH and took away from the joy of a very normal and healthy pregnancy. The anxiety didnt go away for about 2 months after DS was born. I dont know if I could go through that again. It was really bad.
Most of all, this just feels right! Yesterday DH and heard a song we loved and were dancing and Ben looked up and smiled. We picked him up and danced with him. He was so happy. It just felt so great and there was NOTHING missing. It felt so complete


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 

BTW... DD is 4 1/2. How old are your kiddos, everyone?









DD just turned 14 months.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
My daughter is 15.5 months old.

We just finally have broken a 7 week cycle of illness and teething, teething and illness. She has actually been very, very good this entire weekend. I want to have a party and knock on a lot of wood.

Oh and my husband is going in for his vasectomy next week. No, not looking forward to the carefree sex at all....









Ah..our babes are just about the same age. Teething. Ugh. We've had a reprive for the past few months. She cut the bottem and top 4, plus all four molars....almost at once. It was god awful. I am *literally* thankful we've had no sickness. (One cold this winter)

*Maybe keeping her in that bubble helps....*









PLEASE share your DH's vasectomy experience. I think it's related to this forum, since you gotta do something if you want an only! My DH is looking at the end of the month for his.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WillyMom* 
DS is 11mo.
So, some of the other reasons we are considering (95%sure) only one:
I was never one of those girls who always dreamt of the husband and house and tons of kids. I never dreamt of the wedding. I just kind of did my thing. When DH and I were togerther for 6 years we were having some wine and thought "should we get married?". At the wedding thoughts of kids didnt even enter our mind. We bought a house and I was 30 and it felt like maybe something was missing, so we got a dog. A few years later, we thought, maybe we should have a baby. One week of unprotected sex and the decision was made








Neither of us come from big families with lots of babies around. We have been basically flying by the seat of our pants. I think I am a good Mom and DH is great but its not completely natural to us. We dont know if we really could handle another. DS seems a bit sensitive and we worry that a sibling could bully him or take away that extra attention that he needs and craves. DS loves to be held and always wants our attention. The second night in the hospital he needed to be held all night. I was so exhausted that I sent him to the nursery for a few hours in between feedings (which I regre







, and the nurse told me that he had to be held the whole time. His first night home I sat up holding him all night (this is before I figured out cosleeping







). I finally figured he was only happy being held and began to baby wear and co-sleep. Still at 11 months there are times in the day where he plays for a minute then just literally crawls all over me asking to be held and how could I say no? Now, I dont know if this means he is sensitive and will continue to be but for me it means he needs me, a lot of me.
Also, and I don't want to offend anyone with this so please don't take this the wrong way. I suffer from basic anxiety and while pregnant I was very, very anxious about the health of the baby. I stressed so much about whether or not the baby would be healthy because I honestly dont feel that I could handle it other wise. The anxiety, while unwarranted was real and put a real strain on DH and took away from the joy of a very normal and healthy pregnancy. The anxiety didnt go away for about 2 months after DS was born. I dont know if I could go through that again. It was really bad.
Most of all, this just feels right! Yesterday DH and heard a song we loved and were dancing and Ben looked up and smiled. We picked him up and danced with him. He was so happy. It just felt so great and there was NOTHING missing. It felt so complete










Another close in age baby...cool. You sound like us. I was like, um honey I'm 33. I think we oughta think about this baby thing.

I'm not sure why you thought others would be offended about your anxiety. It can be a serious and life-changing medical disorder, which often requires treatment and/or counseling. (Can you tell I've worked in the mental health field??) I know constant anxiousness can be debilitating and even life threatening when it leads to panic attacks etc... I'm so glad to hear it has resolved.

Glad you had a nice weekend!


----------



## karlin

My son will be 4 in September!









Dh had his vasectomy in April. He had very little pain or swelling or anything. It went very well. He had the no-scalpel method, which I hear is the best.


----------



## WillyMom

Its not that I was concerned that my anxiety would offend. I didnt want to offend Moms of children with special needs or sick babies with my anxiety of my child being sick. I know every child is a gift!


----------



## female18-

Hi again ladies








Finally done reading every post in this thread!
I might be the youngest here, im 18, ds is 4.

Growing up I hated having siblings, we fought constantly and almost hated eachother, I longed to be an only child.
I never wanted just one child myself because I love babies and kids so I wanted lots, but not all close in age like we were.

After the reality of the responsibility a child is, and coping mostly on my own, on a low income, I decided I didnt want anymore.
The other reason is my health issues. I have anxiety, depression and a very debilitating, painful stomach illness. That makes it a whole lot harder to be a good parent to my son, I know I couldnt cope with having anymore. A lot of days I dont cope too well as it is.

Lately I think about wanting to have a second child, especially when I see babies or find out someones pregnant. But its definately not the right thing for me to do anytime soon. MAYBE once all my health issues are resolved (if they ever are







) I might consider it and want to try, but for now one child is all I can manage.

I guess the only thing I worry about, is if I died suddenly through a car accident or something... it would be better for ds to have a sibling to go through it with him and understand how he feels etc. But thats not a good enough reason, and besides that, the sibling could have an accident and die! There's no guarantees, so unless I really want to have one, go through pregnancy and all that over again, and feel better health wise, Im staying a mom of one.

p.s It was really interesting reading everyones thoughts on this subject


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
DH hasn't told anyone in his family that he got a vasectomy, because he knows they'd have a fit. It gives us a secret giggle every time we get crap about having the next baby, though.

his parents were totally fine with it. my mom's the one we hide it from. she introduced someone to me at a party the other day as "this is pat's friend maryann. she has fifteen grandchildren!" i responded "what am i, a machine?"







:


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *N8'sMom* 
....and then when my parents get older and pass away, it'll be ONLY me that will deal with that. That will be hard.

i'm sure it will. it's also really hard to do it with a sibling who fights with you about every financial or care decision, or who moved away years before and now neglects any responsibility or concern whatsoever.


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
Do onlies prefer or enjoy "the spotlight" more than others. (It's a generalization I know)

i guess i've always heard that before too, but it never made sense to me. i think i probably crave _more_ attention because i was always vying for it with my brother. casi gets all the attention he wants, pretty much _whenever_ he wants, so his cup seems to stay consistently filled.


----------



## bluetoes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
I read your whole post, I swear.








But, I've always wanted a beetle, and my car is going to need to be replaced in the next year or two...
Does it work out ok as far as having the car seat in the back, and only two doors, and all that jazz? (The one thing keeping me from the beetle, is I kind of thought, "Yeah. No WAY I'm wrestling a baby into a car with no back doors"). Then again, DH has a Jeep Wrangler, and we just put her in through the trunk, so....

Seriously, though, it works out ok? Or would you change it if you could?

It worked fine until this weekend. We moved the wee man into his 'big boy' car seat. Since we're going to keep him rear facing as long as possible (paranoia and hypervigilance, more acute in mothers of only children!) it just isn't going to work. Once he's front facing we'll manage but for the next 10 months or so I will have to swtich cars with my husband since he has a 4 door which is easier to fit the stroller in. I refuse to buy a new car since we are 3 years into paying of a 5 year car loan and it only has 25k miles on it.

One thing I must say when people suggest having more than one child will take the burden off when we get old - there is really no guarantee. My MIL has three siblings but she bore the brunt of caring for her dad when he got very very old and sick.

I was very clucky again this weekend. Must be ovulating~!


----------



## caspian's mama

my dude turned 4 on 6/3.

dh's V went quite well. i think he also had some type of laser, not a scalpel. he only had a local too, and i think watched part of it, or at least got to see the piece of the tube that was removed. eww. he did have a little swelling and bruising for a bit afterward, but that might be due to him not being able to baby himself as much as necessary. we lived with my mom at the time and told her he pulled his groin and hurt his back. silly, but i couldn't deal with the inevitable meltdown if we'd have told her.







:

i have a friend at work whose daughter is 8mos. when she brings her in, i always tell katie i need a "baby fix".







there were a buncha tots under a year old at our mamas' solstice potluck. it was so nice to bask in their sweet, pure energy for the night... then go home and cuddle up with cas.


----------



## female18-

Quote:
Originally Posted by N8'sMom
....and then when my parents get older and pass away, it'll be ONLY me that will deal with that. That will be hard.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
i'm sure it will. it's also really hard to do it with a sibling who fights with you about every financial or care decision, or who moved away years before and now neglects any responsibility or concern whatsoever.

Good point. But what comes to my mind there, is what if your only child doesnt want to bother and neglects any responsibility. Then theres no other siblings to step in. If you have more children, theres a better chance at least one of them will accept that responsibility.


----------



## AntMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
You know, I feel like it doesn't matter what choices you make - onlies or multiples, far spaced kiddos or kiddos who are only a year apart - there's going to be ups and downs no matter what. So all you can do is make the choices that are right for you and your family, and then deal with it. KWIM?

ITA--doing what is right for you and your family is best. It can be good or bad either way. Also, you never know what the future holds, anyway. Our kids could marry into huge families. Although I was an only, my dad had a second daughter when I was 26, so technically I'm not an only anymore, although my half-sis is more like a niece. Families come in all shapes and sizes and life changes constantly.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
BTW... DD is 4 1/2. How old are your kiddos, everyone?









My little man is 4 1/4, and there is so much more we can do with him now. I think it would be very hard to start over from the beginning with another.

The other day we were at a park, and his friend wanted his mom to push him on the swing, and she told him no, she had to feed his baby brother. My ds came over to me and said, "I'm so glad we don't have a baby. I want you to always be able to push me on the swing." Then he went over and pushed his friend so he would stop crying.

Yes, I always want to be able to push him on the swing! lol. Just got back in from doing that, as a matter of fact.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *female18-* 
Good point. But what comes to my mind there, is what if your only child doesnt want to bother and neglects any responsibility. Then theres no other siblings to step in. If you have more children, theres a better chance at least one of them will accept that responsibility.

I guess I wonder what "responsibility" you're meaning....like end of life stuff for parents?

I won't expect my child to care for me or make these decisions. That's what Living Wills, attorneys and planning ahead are for. My personal choices for healthcare, money and estate planning are already done...even if DH and I were to pass away today.

So, there's (again) another interesting thing about the only situation. Perhaps some parents of multiple children assume someone will take care of it, so they don't plan ahead.


----------



## swissmiss

My ds is also 4.5 yrs old.

I really appreciate moms on this thread saying that they have enough stress with one kid, let alone more than one. That's how I feel but it is so taboo to say it IRL. Especially if you are a SAHM. And someone even mentioned not wanting to or being able to (sorry, I'm tired, it's nighttime here in Europe) spread the great love she has for her only on to other siblings. I can totally relate. But again, that would sound weird if you said it out loud IRL.







: Like you are hoarding all your love and giving it only to this one person.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
DD just turned 14 months.
Ah..our babes are just about the same age. Teething. Ugh. We've had a reprive for the past few months. She cut the bottem and top 4, plus all four molars....almost at once. It was god awful. I am *literally* thankful we've had no sickness. (One cold this winter)

*Maybe keeping her in that bubble helps....*









PLEASE share your DH's vasectomy experience. I think it's related to this forum, since you gotta do something if you want an only! My DH is looking at the end of the month for his.


Heh, I had to put her in daycare when we moved back to the states so I could work. My daughter hadn't had any contact to children before just because of circumstance. She managed to immediately catch:

1) Cold
2) Roseola
3) Pinkeye

Just as soon as she would be over one of those, teething would come roaring in.







: Everything is better now, but I wanted to jump off a bridge many times in the past two months.

I will let you all know how it goes with my husband's vasectomy. We are both looking forward to it.

Quote:

The other day we were at a park, and his friend wanted his mom to push him on the swing, and she told him no, she had to feed his baby brother. My ds came over to me and said, "I'm so glad we don't have a baby. I want you to always be able to push me on the swing." Then he went over and pushed his friend so he would stop crying.
When we started looking at the future, when we would be able to have a second child, we were looking at numbers like 4-7 years down the road being completely realistic with ourselves. Then we thought about how much of a drag it would be on us and our daughter who has just gotten old enough to *really* do things with us to have an infant again. Just not an appealing idea at all.


----------



## DeeCee

I'm so glad to have found this tribe. I've read every post, and am re-reading with my DH. We'l post more later, I just wanted to say thanks!


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DeeCee* 
I'm so glad to have found this tribe. I've read every post, and am re-reading with my DH. We'l post more later, I just wanted to say thanks!

Welcome aboard!


----------



## icequeenash

This is the tribe for me!

I have one son, 3.5, and while I love children, I have no desire to have any more biological children. I have done non-relative placement twice (fostered children I knew prior to DCF seizing them), and while I enjoyed the experience, and would do it again, the goal was always reunification. The children have since return to their parents and I maintain relationships with them.

I have a partner who is not my son's father, and is completely supportive when I let him know I did not plan anymore children, and would take appropriate measure to prevent as much.

I once thought I would have a whole broad, but many circumstances have changed and I'm perfectly content with the family I have.

Each milestone my son reaches I have a bit of sadness, as that period is over, but overall I'm thrilled at his independence and don't need to "re-live" the baby stage with subsequent children.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DeeCee* 
I'm so glad to have found this tribe. I've read every post, and am re-reading with my DH. We'l post more later, I just wanted to say thanks!

Hi there! Glad you're hear and anxious to hear your experiences.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 

When we started looking at the future, when we would be able to have a second child, we were looking at numbers like 4-7 years down the road being completely realistic with ourselves. Then we thought about how much of a drag it would be on us and our daughter who has just gotten old enough to *really* do things with us to have an infant again. Just not an appealing idea at all.

Wow, you couldn't have said it better. I'm already excited to do so many things with DD. As an only, some of my most cherished childhood memories are trips and adventures with my parents and grandparents. Since my parents just had me, they could afford more vacations and to more exotic locations.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *icequeenash* 
This is the tribe for me!

I have one son, 3.5, and while I love children, I have no desire to have any more biological children. I have done non-relative placement twice (fostered children I knew prior to DCF seizing them), and while I enjoyed the experience, and would do it again, the goal was always reunification. The children have since return to their parents and I maintain relationships with them.

I have a partner who is not my son's father, and is completely supportive when I let him know I did not plan anymore children, and would take appropriate measure to prevent as much.

I once thought I would have a whole broad, but many circumstances have changed and I'm perfectly content with the family I have.

Each milestone my son reaches I have a bit of sadness, as that period is over, but overall I'm thrilled at his independence and don't need to "re-live" the baby stage with subsequent children.


Welcome to you as well. It's great to see so many folks coming to the "only" tribe.

I completely understand about the milestone sadness. I try to cherish each one...I try to fix a mental picture of her in my mind at each age.


----------



## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
I completely understand about the milestone sadness. I try to cherish each one...I try to fix a mental picture of her in my mind at each age.











I feel this way too - it's a mix of "we're never going to have to go through again" and "we'll never get to go through that again." Some stages are very easy to leave behind, and some make you wistful.

Like bf'ing, for example. I knew when we weaned that this was it, there would never again be nursies. This was such a huge important thing in our relationship, and it was wrenching when we were done, for all three of us.


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

my dd is 10.5 months old.

dh thinks I will change my mind but does want to get the big v in five years. We are ok until then since I am on the iud.

I'm pretty sure I won't *change my mind*. I too met a newborn baby last week and although I missed having a baby who would just sit on my lap and could nurse for an hour (while I read or watched a show) now, I have an acrobatic nurser who takes breaks every 30 secs.







but still, those days were really hard on us ( with dd having colic/constant screaming). And this stage is quite wonderful. she is soo much more playful and interactive and has such a big personality. I KNOW I do not want to relive the baby stage ever again.

And about the responsiblilty thing: i do not expect dd to make decisions for us or care for us when we are older. I can't imagine having more dc's so I could have more ppl to shoulder the "responsiblity of caring for us.

Another thing that ppl seem to worry a lot about is "having more than one so that if anything happens to one, you still have more kids". I actually even read that in a mainstream parenting magazine








:
I watched a neighbour of mine face serious depression when her dd passed away. she still had 2 more dc's. Believe me, having multiple dc's did not make it any easier for her to deal with her dd's passing. If anything, she felt a lot of guilt for not giving her the attention that she gave her younger dc's.

A pp put it best. There are pros and cons to all kinds of families so it really is upto each family to decide what's best for them.


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swissmiss* 
My ds is also 4.5 yrs old.

I really appreciate moms on this thread saying that they have enough stress with one kid, let alone more than one. That's how I feel but it is so taboo to say it IRL. Especially if you are a SAHM. And someone even mentioned not wanting to or being able to (sorry, I'm tired, it's nighttime here in Europe) spread the great love she has for her only on to other siblings. I can totally relate. But again, that would sound weird if you said it out loud IRL.







: Like you are hoarding all your love and giving it only to this one person.

I really wonder why it's socially unacceptable to stick with one! argh. My dd is only 10.5 months old and ppl are Already wondering about number 2. It's not like there's a lot of support for parents in this society (don't know about europe but here in the U.S) it is incredibly HARD to raise kids the way you want to. Even the maternity leave is only like 6 weeks and often unpaid.


----------



## female18-

Yes the child/ren shouldnt feel a huge responsibility to look after their parents as they get older and usually get health problems, but thats what seems to happen, and Its nice for the parent/s to have their son or daughter helping them at that time. I dont see anything wrong with that, but I agree its not a big enough issue to make you decide on having children at all. If you only have one though, they will feel some responsibility to their parents as the parents get old and (very likely develop health issues) and having a sibling, they will be able to share the 'burden' of that responsibility which must be quite stressful, upsetting and time consuming. Thats all I was saying, because Ive heard adults who are 'onlies' talk about how they worry about that time approaching because they have no one to go through it with or help them/share the responsibility.

I have a big family outside from my son and I, so I know theres always another family member to help there. Although thats only because I myself have a few siblings.

I admit even though I seem the only one here who does, I miss the baby stage. (apart from the sleepless nights ofcourse







) I love having one child though


----------



## UmmNadia

I was an only child and I feel that it didn't deprive me of anything. I have a daughter, and I feel that personally I don't want any more and I don't think my husband wants anymore. I don't know if we'll stay together or not, we're having a lot of problems. If i were to remarry, I am not sure if having any more kids would be an issue or not. I personally just feel at this point that there are so many other things i want to do and give my time and attention to and that I am just meant to have one. besides that I have epilepsy and hydrocephalus and it was a high risk pregnancy and she was premie so that also influences my decision to just have one. However I do feel taht I need to do more for her to have a more active social life and the fact that she is not near her family which I was while I was growing up is a major problem. sigh.


----------



## DeeCee

OK, my DH and I have read through all the posts. We have a DD who just turned 2 and she's wonderful. I've been feeling a lot of pressure from others to start TTC for another child. My DH and I have been talking/debating/disagreing/crying over whether we want to or not. My DH does not, he likes our little family of 3. There's not much I can do to change his mind, nor would I want to make him change. I think we can make our trio work, I'm just worried on how I should handle the feelings of regret I might have in the future.

I've done a lot of reading about only children and I would be totally committed to raising my DD as an only child.

I guess I just need reassurance that I won't regret this decision in the future. Reading these posts have helped a lot, and the more I read the more I get excited about the idea.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DeeCee* 
OK, my DH and I have read through all the posts. We have a DD who just turned 2 and she's wonderful. I've been feeling a lot of pressure from others to start TTC for another child. My DH and I have been talking/debating/disagreing/crying over whether we want to or not. My DH does not, he likes our little family of 3. There's not much I can do to change his mind, nor would I want to make him change. I think we can make our trio work, I'm just worried on how I should handle the feelings of regret I might have in the future.

I've done a lot of reading about only children and I would be totally committed to raising my DD as an only child.

I guess I just need reassurance that I won't regret this decision in the future. Reading these posts have helped a lot, and the more I read the more I get excited about the idea.


Welcome! I think it's wonderful how much consideration and thought you're putting into this important decision.


----------



## DeeCee

Thanks for the welcome devster4fun! Your post have been great to read!


----------



## didkisa

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DeeCee* 
OK, my DH and I have read through all the posts. We have a DD who just turned 2 and she's wonderful. I've been feeling a lot of pressure from others to start TTC for another child. My DH and I have been talking/debating/disagreing/crying over whether we want to or not. My DH does not, he likes our little family of 3. There's not much I can do to change his mind, nor would I want to make him change. I think we can make our trio work, I'm just worried on how I should handle the feelings of regret I might have in the future.

I've done a lot of reading about only children and I would be totally committed to raising my DD as an only child.

I guess I just need reassurance that I won't regret this decision in the future. Reading these posts have helped a lot, and the more I read the more I get excited about the idea.

DH and I read an interesting book before TTC DD (3 mos old) and it said, "Would you rather regret having a child (or in your case, a second child), or no child at all?" I'm sure we'd all answer that the same way...

Like a PP, DH wasn't sure he wanted to have a child at all. I knew I wanted one for sure, but really didn't want more than that. We're in our mid/late thirties and have been married for 9 years. We've had many issues during the first 3 months and everyone always says the "next one will be easier." It's just an assumption in our society that you would have a second child. We love our little girl and are perfectly content with stopping after her...and it was always our plan to do so. **Although...I do tease DH that I would want to have another just so I can do everything "right" next time!









We plan to have DH get a vasectomy sometime in the near future.


----------



## devster4fun

I think since DD is about 14 months old, the questions are starting.

TODAY, the Starbuck's lady asked when we were going to have another. My standard reply is, "...we've always wanted and planned for one. Now we're really sure."

Her reply was, "That sounds great. It's good to know what you want."

Now, if only the in-laws could be as understanding as Starbuck's lady.


----------



## DeeCee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *didkisa* 
DH and I read an interesting book before TTC DD (3 mos old) and it said, "Would you rather regret having a child (or in your case, a second child), or no child at all?" I'm sure we'd all answer that the same way...

Thanks didkisa, this quote makes a lot of sense!


----------



## DeeCee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
I think since DD is about 14 months old, the questions are starting.

TODAY, the Starbuck's lady asked when we were going to have another. My standard reply is, "...we've always wanted and planned for one. Now we're really sure."

Her reply was, "That sounds great. It's good to know what you want."

Now, if only the in-laws could be as understanding as Starbuck's lady.

















What a great response you got! We are getting a lot of negative responses right now, which makes me question having one child. Someone actually said the other day, "You don't want to eff your daughter up by making her an only child?" My DH was great at stating that research has been done that debunks the myths that only children are messed up, lonely, etc.

Now I just need to learn how to respond with confidence. Over time...


----------



## msjd123

Ugh. I get a lot of questions and comments about having another since DD is now too. The nice old ladies at work love to do this little sing-song thing, "It's tiiiiiiiiiime to have another!!!!"







I just say, "Well, we're so happy with E, and this really works for us," but they still go on about the joys of siblings. When I told our 70-something neighbor that we'd probably just stick with E, she suddenly looked very serious and said, "OH NO, Sarah. Oh, I don't think that's a good idea at all."

Um, OK.

I don't know what to say to that either.


----------



## caspian's mama

my husband's grandmother, who's normally a fabulous woman, was kinda weird about it too. it sounded like she was basing it all on one family in the extended tribe who probably would have messed up 4 kids if they'd had 4, kwim? still, it was so uncharacteristic that it really threw me off. people are SO opinionated about it. i just don't see the point of hullaballoo.


----------



## sisterfunkhaus

I am an only child with an only child. Our daughter is 4.5. We waited to have her. I was 30 (we were married when we were 21.) I have Lupus and had a difficult time getting pregnant and had a very complicated and difficult pregnancy. I was even told by my doctor to think twice before having another. Even if I wanted another, now I'm going to grad. school and have to do a one year internship afterward, get back into the work world and all of that. I just don't feel like there will ever be a right time to have another. DH and I are both fine with one.

Other people in general do judge. I've been in debates on another board and people have this idea that only children feel entitled, are spoiled, dependent on their parents, etc... Boy, let me tell you, most of the people who I know that fit that description are NOT only children. I wish people would just let go of that stereotype. We are raising our child to be a considerate, compassionate, loving human being.

I also hate "the question." To me, it's no one's business. And, it's really rude to me that people ask why you aren' having more. Ugh.


----------



## APCDmama

You know, it baffles me when people make such awful comments about onlies.







: Not only are these remarks disrespectful and rude; they are also a blatant display of ignorance. (Many PP's have noted the scientific evidence supporting the advantages of first/only children.) I would never, ever try to convince someone to have an only child, if her heart was set on two or more.

I LOVE, LOVE the "would you rather regret having a child..." quote. Food for thought, don't you think?

BTW, I am enjoying everyone's posts immensely! Thanks for starting this thread. It's great!


----------



## Copper

All I hear about is how much the mothers can't stand the fighting between the siblings and how awful it is and on and on, until they realize (if they don't know me well) we only have one and don't plan anymore.
Not my idea of a good time - I had my friend and her family over and her soon to be 2nd grader bit and I mean BIT the youngest who is 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for no reason right in front of dd, the parents and other guests. Wow was she horrified (as was I). She has seen a lot of the siblings in families around her age be bullied, hit and so on and so forth by other siblings a lot.


----------



## bluetoes

Oh the fighting. I remember it well. My brother was very mean, and I don't think it would be overstating it to call him abusive. That is one of my reasons to have any only child. I would hope my little guy wouldn't be as much like that since the husband and I aren't going to parent like my parents did, something I think caused a lot of it.

How does everyone deal with getting clucky and having thoughts like 'it wouldn't be so bad' and wishing at the back of your mind 'a BC failure wouldn't be the worse thing ever' when I KNOW I can't handle another child! Maybe I just need to do something more permanent!


----------



## APCDmama

Even though I'm 99.9% sure about my decision to stick with one child (at this point in time, anyway), that tiny, 0.1% doubt gets my attention every so often.







During those times, I allow myself to fantasize rather than do anything about it. I figure it's kinda like how you feel before you get married for the first time, KWIM? You have this romantic vision of your spouse, and how perfect everything will be. Then, you get married and reality hits: You think, "Hey! This is a lot more work than I imagined! I didn't sign up for this"









I get "the second will be easier" comment a lot. That's probably part of the draw to have another baby; I want to do things over again with an "easier" child, just to prove my AP practices didn't produce poor sleep habits, high intensity levels, colic, etc.







I also want to re-do birth as a VBAC mom rather than a C-sectioned one, but there's no guarantee for that, either.

I think it's completely normal to have the occasional "what if" thought. Personally, I quickly counter my positive "what ifs" with my negative "what ifs". I think reality would fall somewhere between the two.


----------



## APCDmama

...and why would I change things when I'm happy with the three of us?


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
Ugh. I get a lot of questions and comments about having another since DD is now too. The nice old ladies at work love to do this little sing-song thing, "It's tiiiiiiiiiime to have another!!!!"







I just say, "Well, we're so happy with E, and this really works for us," but they still go on about the joys of siblings. When I told our 70-something neighbor that we'd probably just stick with E, she suddenly looked very serious and said, "OH NO, Sarah. Oh, I don't think that's a good idea at all."

Um, OK.

I don't know what to say to that either.

You know...I don't let someone's age (being older/elderly) change the way I respond to them. I *try* to be respectful of everyone. When they ask a personal question, or offer an opinion about how I should live my life, I feel they deserve an honest answer.

To the "I don't think it's a good idea...." I say, that's wonderful for your family. We're doing what's best for ours.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
my husband's grandmother, who's normally a fabulous woman, was kinda weird about it too. it sounded like she was basing it all on one family in the extended tribe who probably would have messed up 4 kids if they'd had 4, kwim? still, it was so uncharacteristic that it really threw me off. people are SO opinionated about it. i just don't see the point of hullaballoo.

Same as above. My Grandma (out of complete ignorance, I guess) sometimes says racially insensitive things. I don't let it go, just because she's 92 or my Grandma. I respectfully disagree and let her know a better way to phrase things.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sisterfunkhaus* 
Other people in general do judge. I've been in debates on another board and people have this idea that only children feel entitled, are spoiled, dependent on their parents, etc... Boy, let me tell you, most of the people who I know that fit that description are NOT only children. I wish people would just let go of that stereotype. We are raising our child to be a considerate, compassionate, loving human being.


What I always find amazing is how completely different children from the same parents turn out. My DH is the oldest of 3. You could not pick 3 more opposite people on the planet. They were raised essentially the same, come from a good home, etc...Why so different? I think because people are born certain ways. Certainly enviornmental factors play a role...but you should see some of the twin studies! Two people who are genetically identical and separated at birth...turn out remarkably similar. If you're self-centered, spoiled, impatient and selfish...I doubt it has much to do with being an only child.


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## katheek77

sisterfunkhaus said:


> people have this idea that only children feel entitled, are spoiled, dependent on their parents, etc... Boy, let me tell you, most of the people who I know that fit that description are NOT only children. QUOTE]
> 
> Gosh, that fits my sister to a tee. My younger sister...so, obviously not a first or only. She's almost 28 (October), lives at home, pays 50 dollars "rent" a month, Mom and Dad pay for everything else, she hasn't held down a job for longer than six months at a time, dropped out of high school, just got her GED a couple years ago, but has managed to drop out of college twice, but is back in (on mom and dad's dime, of course), contributes NOTHING to the house, emptied my bank account TWICE when I was in college, ran up thousands of dollars in credit card debt on my parents cards AND her own...
> 
> Um. Yeah. Maybe my parents *should* have gone with an only.
> 
> On the other topic, my MIL is now saying I "owe" her a grandSON. Not just another grandCHILD. Nope. A grandSON. I guess she thinks you can custom order them now.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> : She's on my hit list for other reasons...mainly smacking my daughter (all of 12 mos old), so, if she thinks she's getting another grandchild (excuse me...a grandSON) out of me, she's got another thing coming. I know it's snarky, but I can NOT wait to announce to her, some day soon, in person, hopefully, that DH got the old snip-snip.
> 
> I did have a positive only experience on Tuesday. DD and I went to a living history place, and the older woman (50s? 60s?) at the desk asked how old she was, was she my first, were we having any more, etc. And I said, "Nope, she's our first, and we don't plan on having any more", and she said, totally sincerely, as far as I can tell, "Oh, isn't she lucky? Such a precious baby, and she'll get you all to herself and you'll get to enjoy every minute."
> 
> Maybe she can be my MIL?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, I'm feeling snarky tonight.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
On the other topic, my MIL is now saying I "owe" her a grandSON. Not just another grandCHILD. Nope. A grandSON. I guess she thinks you can custom order them now.







: She's on my hit list for other reasons...mainly smacking my daughter (all of 12 mos old), so, if she thinks she's getting another grandchild (excuse me...a grandSON) out of me, she's got another thing coming. I know it's snarky, but I can NOT wait to announce to her, some day soon, in person, hopefully, that DH got the old snip-snip.

I did have a positive only experience on Tuesday. DD and I went to a living history place, and the older woman (50s? 60s?) at the desk asked how old she was, was she my first, were we having any more, etc. And I said, "Nope, she's our first, and we don't plan on having any more", and she said, totally sincerely, as far as I can tell, "Oh, isn't she lucky? Such a precious baby, and she'll get you all to herself and you'll get to enjoy every minute."

Maybe she can be my MIL?









Yes, I'm feeling snarky tonight.

Snark away! That's what we're here for.

I (sort-of) recall the thread about your MIL and the smacking. Yikes. That might be a deal-breaker for me. Hopefully, you've layed out your ground rules really, REALLY clearly now. And asking for a specific sex of grandchild? That's kind of sick. How bout' a healthy one...let's start there maybe. Ugh.

You must have the patience of Job. (Sorry for the Bible quote...you'll notice I post in the Atheist Tribe too







)

See my MIL has to deal with our wanting an only, lack of religion and general nonconformity. (Although she was pretty cool with my delayed/non vaxing plan)

I think your positive experience was genuine. There actually are people in this world who respect others' decisions. I know, they are few and far between...but they're there if you look really hard! You talk to Living History Lady and I talk to Starbuck's Lady.


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## AntMom

ahh, questions, questions--I always used to be surprised when people asked if my ds was my "first." I always said, well, he's my only. When does an only stop being called a "first"?

My neighbor once referred to "first-time mothers." (she has 3 kids.) I thought that sounded strange too. Once you're a mother, you're a mother. More kids don't make you more of a mother.


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## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AntMom* 
Once you're a mother, you're a mother. More kids don't make you more of a mother.

hear, hear!

when my mom gives me crap about it, she usually requests a granddaughter. what's sickest about that is that it's only so she could buy her barbies and makeup and play dress up... with a *human* f'ing *being*. i've told her tons of times that, if she really wants to buy dresses so badly, she can just get a few for casi. i'd imagine he wouldn't care much either way, and he already wears little mermaid undies (his choice).


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## female18-

Sorry you are all having a hard time with people keep making kind of rude comments about you not having a second child. I think that woman was right, our child gets to have us all to themselves, and we get to fully enjoy everything they do. We arent pre-occupied with 'our other kids', trying to spread ourselves evenly between them all etc etc ETC.

I watched a show on tv last night (really good!) about a family drama basically.
Well the mother said one thing that got me feeling I should have another child some day.
She was going through something really difficult in her personal life, and she made the comment 'I have lots of family to support me and get me through this, so I'll be ok.'

So I felt like...ds (aged 4) wont be able to say that as he will only have his parents. Does anyone know what I mean and have an opinion about it?


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## RoundAbout

Quote:


Originally Posted by *female18-* 
So I felt like...ds (aged 4) wont be able to say that as he will only have his parents. Does anyone know what I mean and have an opinion about it?

I've thought about this, but honestly I know very few adults who are close to their siblings. Even if they get along in a basic sense, they don't necessarily live near each other or have the same outlook.

I'm an only child and will probably stick with just one child of my own. I have my husband and friends to get me through difficult times. These are people that I chose to have in my life, people who share my values, not just someone who is bound to me by shared genetics.

Personally I loved being an only child! I got tons of attention from parents who I am very close to, lots of quiet time to myself to read and do other activities, got to do some "adult" things like eating in nice restaurants, and I think we ended up doing more stuff like going away for weekends/going out, because it was just so much easier with one child. I still got plenty of kid time with friends from school and the neighborhood.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *female18-* 
Sorry you are all having a hard time with people keep making kind of rude comments about you not having a second child. I think that woman was right, our child gets to have us all to themselves, and we get to fully enjoy everything they do. We arent pre-occupied with 'our other kids', trying to spread ourselves evenly between them all etc etc ETC.

I watched a show on tv last night (really good!) about a family drama basically.
Well the mother said one thing that got me feeling I should have another child some day.
She was going through something really difficult in her personal life, and she made the comment 'I have lots of family to support me and get me through this, so I'll be ok.'

So I felt like...ds (aged 4) wont be able to say that as he will only have his parents. Does anyone know what I mean and have an opinion about it?

I do know what you mean and as an only child I definitely have an opinion. It seems (based on your posts here) that this is an important issue for you.

I honestly think the idea of having a large family equals lots of support in difficult times...is like a Hallmark card myth. Yes, it happens. And, it's wonderful when it does. But, small families get through pain and trauma just fine too.

You watched a TV show which depicted a fictional situation, but it started you thinking. That's good. I'll share my story of exactly what you're worried about. How will an only child deal with the ultimate difficulty...losing their parent.

Example. My Dad passed away 2 years ago from a massive heart attack. He died in my Mom's arms while they were on vacation in Florida. Then, within 10 hours a Category 3 hurricane hit. My Mom was alone, as was I to deal with all the details. You know what? We got through it. There are LOTS of ways to deal with things besides family. Many close friends circled around us for help and support. I sought help from a grief counselor. And in the end, my Mom ended up moving to my city and living across the street!

Only children can be very resourceful. When you spend 30 years living the life an only child you are already better prepared to deal with things alone. That's how you've done it all your life. So, you're worried about your son looking around one day and saying...gee I don't have any family. BUT, that's who he is. He's already prepared for that. In fact, he's probably better equiped to deal with things than many people.

Life is full of what-ifs. What if I had family and they let me down during that time?

One thing I learned through the experience and the counseling is you can never let a day pass without appreciating your loved ones. They truly can be gone tomorrow. And, I don't make decisions now for something that may or may not happen 25 years from now.


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## WillyMom

Devster and Roundabout,
Tell me about your childhoods.
Were you lonely? Did you feel different? Do you think you are closer to your parents than others?
I agree with your comments about most people not being that close to siblings, I have two and only speak to one who lives 500 miles away and hasn't even met my DS who is turning one this month







:
Have you all checked out the Moms with too many kids tribe? It is interesting!
P.S. Devster, love your sunflowers!!!!


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
I have my husband and friends to get me through difficult times. These are people that I chose to have in my life, people who share my values, not just someone who is bound to me by shared genetics.









:

"only" child definitely doesn't have to equal "lonely" child.


----------



## AntMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
hear, hear!

when my mom gives me crap about it, she usually requests a granddaughter. what's sickest about that is that it's only so she could buy her barbies and makeup and play dress up... with a *human* f'ing *being*. i've told her tons of times that, if she really wants to buy dresses so badly, she can just get a few for casi. i'd imagine he wouldn't care much either way, and he already wears little mermaid undies (his choice).









lol . . . maybe you can just buy your mom some barbies to play with?

WillyMom--I was an only too, and I can try to answer your questions. I guess I was a little lonely before I went to school, but after that, not really. Back in the '70s there were no playgroups or gymboree, kwim? I don't feel "different," since I don't really know any other way to be than an only. It never bothered me that I didn't have a brother or sister, and I didn't want one. I am very close to my mom, maybe more than other people with sisters. Many people thought we were sisters (still do, actually--she was 19 when she had me). As for my dad, I wouldn't say we're closer than others, but both of my parents always treated me with respect growing up and we relate on an adult level.

I don't think my son (age 4) is lonely at all. He has so many friends and activities, and we are so much more social than I was with my mom at his age. I made sure of that. He is very outgoing, way more than me, so I think I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I am more aware of what he needs as an only (i.e., outside friends and activities) because I want him to have what I missed. I did not, however, miss having a brother or sister, so I don't feel like he needs that. Does that make sense?

Hope everyone has a great weekend!


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## rambunctiouscurls

Devster, Roundabout and Antmom,
Thank you for your posts and your insight. I enjoyed reading your posts. I have a question for everyone: Were both you and your partner on board with the idea of an only? If not, how did you convince or get persuaded by the other?

I thought my partner and I were on the same page since he agreed to get a vasectomy in 5 years but turns out, He is hoping I will change my mind until then. He says he understands why I want to stick with only one but still wants to have multiple dc's. Honestly, the thought of accidently gettin gpregnant and having another baby scares the heck outta me so I KNOW I do not want another child. This latest development however makes me feel very .. odd. Like I am withholding something from him or that I'm not fulfilling his dreams. But what about mine? y'know? He is not pushy about it and said he will *settle* for just one if that's what I really want. Suddenly, though, I want him to get the big V tomorrow









We decided to keep this topic open for discussion though.


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WillyMom* 
Have you all checked out the Moms with too many kids tribe? It is interesting!
P.S. Devster, love your sunflowers!!!!

I just hopped on over there and I have to say, it totally reinforces my decision to have an only child.


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## female18-

Good point, you can choose who you want as your friends but you cant with family, so you very well might end up with siblings you arent close to at all.

The tv show just made me think about it, because we all have a lot of difficulties and struggles in our lives. Can you rely on friends to always be there when you need them, when you need to depend on someone, or you get really sick and need them to help take care of you? Most people I know arent very reliable, let me down frequently, and are very busy with their own lives and families/family drama to offer that kind of support and help.

I take comfort in the fact I have a big family. Although Im not that close to my siblings, I know in the future if I need them, they will be there for me. You might not see or talk to eachother much, but if something awful were to happen, you know you can always turn to family members, and they can turn to you. I guess its a kind of responsibility you feel towards eachother because you are family...if thats the right word.

Or am I wrong? I dont know..
What do you think?

I hope everyone has a good weekend too! And im going to take a look in the forum for moms with too many kids


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## DeeCee

If you're thinking about checking out the Tribe for Mommies with too many kids...don't. I'm now hiding under my desk in the fetal position









If that didn't help me make up my mind about have one child, nothing will.

Have a great weekend ladies!!!


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## bluetoes

I think part of my issue is wanting to do everything just right for the wee man. That would be more difficult with two. Not that I plan to be the helicopter overparenting monster, but I want to be able to do things right, basically trying to quell my over developed sense of guilt and associated hypervigilance. Oh and I worry too much!







:


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## WillyMom

DeeCee your post has me LOL!
I know, I got stressed reading that thread but I applaud those Mama's for being so honest.
Two days ago DS would not nap and he was just melting. He was literally walking with his eyes closing! Nursing, rocking, nothing helped so DH had to take him for a drive b/c it was apparent that he needed to sleep







:
When thay left the house I thought how do you deal with that AND a baby???
The more I think about it the more I think I am ready to committ 100% to Ben being our only. And how lucky are we? He is so fab if I may say so myself


----------



## RoundAbout

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WillyMom* 
Devster and Roundabout,
Tell me about your childhoods.
Were you lonely? Did you feel different? Do you think you are closer to your parents than others?

I definitely did not feel lonely. We lived in the same neighborhood for most of my childhood and had lots of friends. My parents were also very "hands on" when it came to play - they would get down on the floor with me when I was younger and played board games with me and take me out for bike rides when I was older. I think if you're the kind of parent who just expects a kid to play by themselves in their room then it can be harder with an only.

Although to be honest, I had lots of alone time too. I had a quiet temperament and loved to read and draw and engaged in a lot of imaginative play on my own. I don't know which came first though - whether being an only led to liking quiet time, or whether I was just naturally that way. I have to say that one of the reasons I am leaning towards an only myself is that I just cannot handle the chaos of having lots of kids around for long periods of time. I still like to read, have quiet conversation, etc. I feel like with my son my life is in perfect balance and I still get the adult time that I need.

I am still very close to my parents and we did lots things together as a family. Even little stuff - I remember Saturday mornings my mom would say "help me clean the house and we'll go out for lunch together." I was involved in everything they did. I liked the fact that I was treated like a full member of the family and that my opinions mattered even as a child. In a lot of other families it seemed like there were 2 sides - the parents and the kids - and it never seemed as cohesive as what we had in our 3 person family.

Hope this helps.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
I definitely did not feel lonely. We lived in the same neighborhood for most of my childhood and had lots of friends. My parents were also very "hands on" when it came to play - they would get down on the floor with me when I was younger and played board games with me and take me out for bike rides when I was older. I think if you're the kind of parent who just expects a kid to play by themselves in their room then it can be harder with an only.

Roundabout, overall I could have written this post. It's amazing, really. I've been thinking about the request to, "describe my childhood." It's hard to sum it up in a few paragraphs, but you did a great job!

I think all the effort and time Moms of multiple children spend dealing with sibling rivalry, Moms of onlies spend entertaining! My Dad taught me Blackjack and Poker as soon as I could count. He also taught me to play chess...which I totally suck at.







His ability to focus on just me, allowed us to spend *literally* hours playing catch, tennis, or whatever.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
Although to be honest, I had lots of alone time too. I had a quiet temperament and loved to read and draw and engaged in a lot of imaginative play on my own. I don't know which came first though - whether being an only led to liking quiet time, or whether I was just naturally that way. I have to say that one of the reasons I am leaning towards an only myself is that I just cannot handle the chaos of having lots of kids around for long periods of time. I still like to read, have quiet conversation, etc. I feel like with my son my life is in perfect balance and I still get the adult time that I need.

Agreed. I still need lots of alone time. In fact, extended time around lots of people is very draining for me. I also gravitate to just a few close friends. I really don't have a huge friend circle.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
I am still very close to my parents and we did lots things together as a family. Even little stuff - I remember Saturday mornings my mom would say "help me clean the house and we'll go out for lunch together." I was involved in everything they did. I liked the fact that I was treated like a full member of the family and that my opinions mattered even as a child. In a lot of other families it seemed like there were 2 sides - the parents and the kids - and it never seemed as cohesive as what we had in our 3 person family.

Yep! I used to pout and tell my parents that I thought the only reason they had me was to be their maid.

I think a critical issue for parents of onlies is the high expectations they place on their child. I always felt an assumption that I was a "little adult." Even at a very young age. We would eat at fancy resaturants, go to concerts and museums. One criticism I would have of my childhood, is there weren't a lot of activities geared towords children. I just did what they did. But, even this has a positive side...only children learn to talk and interact with adults very early and very well. I remember strangers commenting how "grown up" I was and "well-behaved" in a restaurant.

I still put alot of pressure on myself to excel and often, be perfect. For me, I think this would be the biggest potential drawback of being an only child. (Or, maybe it's just a personality trait??) It just seems other people are more comfortable in their skin, kwim? (I'm working on this, though)

My goal for my DD is to provide a balance. I want to expose her to a wide variety of things, so she can choose what fits her personality and her soul. I don't want her to feel pressure to grow up fast.


----------



## female18-

Any thoughts or opinions on my last post?


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *female18-* 
Can you rely on friends to always be there when you need them, when you need to depend on someone, or you get really sick and need them to help take care of you? Most people I know arent very reliable, let me down frequently, and are very busy with their own lives and families/family drama to offer that kind of support and help.

I take comfort in the fact I have a big family. Although Im not that close to my siblings, I know in the future if I need them, they will be there for me. You might not see or talk to eachother much, but if something awful were to happen, you know you can always turn to family members, and they can turn to you. I guess its a kind of responsibility you feel towards eachother because you are family...if thats the right word.

Or am I wrong? I dont know..
What do you think?

I hope everyone has a good weekend too! And im going to take a look in the forum for moms with too many kids









Hope you're having a great weekend...it's HOT here.

I really do see your point. It's wonderful that you come from a large, supportive family. I think the thing to remember is your point-of-view comes from _your_ experiences. (Everyone's does) Many people have family members they absolutely could NOT count on for anything. You say, "...you can always turn to family members." Well, not in my Mom's family. Her sister and she haven't spoken since their Mom's death. (That was over 10 years ago) When my Dad passed is was very traumatic. She sent a card a few months later...so you see, it depends on the family.

Having a sibling is no guarantee of help, support or anything.

Therefore, my Mom has made extra efforts to bond closely with friends, since she cannot count on her family.

Again, this does not discount your experiences. That's what makes the world go round'!! If you feel, deep in your soul, your child should have a large family for support, friendship or whatever...by all means, have more.

What I'm trying to point out in just about every post is....when you're an only child, that's all you know. So, you NEVER know the feeling of a sibling. Thus, (I) never missed it. It's hard to really miss something you never had. You grow up better prepared to deal with things yourself.

I hope I'm helping you....


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## female18-

Thanks devster that really helped! And very good point.


----------



## onlyzombiecat

Nice to see this tribe so active. Good to hear from adult onlies as well.

I'm kind of past the stage where people are asking if we will have another.
My dd is 7 and dh had a vasectomy when she was 3. MIL did ask if we wanted to adopt a relative's twin babies (still unborn at this point). Dh and I both said no immediately.







We like dd being more independent and are not interested in going through diapers, teething, potty training, etc. again, especially x2.

I grew up with siblings and dh grew up with siblings and when we've each had difficulties in life our parents and friends and spouse have been there for us- not our siblings. Both of us have 1 sibling that we never talk to on purpose and the others are wrapped up in their own lives so we never really see or hear from them except on holidays.

I think my dd will create her own support system with the people she loves and who love her. I don't worry about her being alone.

I think if we are positive about our family and our children being onlies than they will grow up and have that attitude.


----------



## megadoula

I have blood clotting issues and could have a stroke if I have another child. I come from a religious society and get comments about how I should be pregnant again by now. (My son is 16 months). I always wanted more children and we cannot afford to adopt. I am trying to feel at peace about my decision and get over the baby hungry feeling. Does anybody have any idea







: s?


----------



## WillyMom

Thanks you Devster and Roundabout for insight into your childhood.
Megadoul, I am sorry you are going through a difficult time








Can you be honest with your family and peers and tell them why you are not having another child?
Also, why not take a step back and look at how lucky you are to have your son and focus on him and the present and not any what ifs. I know that is easier said than done but hopefully by reading all the posts here you can see that you, your son and husband can be a very happy family, even if the definition of family is different than what you had planned.


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## caspian's mama

thanks SOOO much for the "grown up onlies" viewpoints. i'm going to share them with dp.


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## female18-

What things should a parent of an only child be doing with regards to making sure their child has enough people around him/her? (so they socialise enough)

And is that the only issue for parents with onlies? Or are there more issues to think about?


----------



## AntMom

Megadoula, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I can't have another child either, but I know my case is different from yours. Even though if things were different I might have had another, I am at peace with one, mostly since I grew up as an only and I am comfortable with that. But I do know that baby-hungry feeling and how awful it is. I think it will get better with time, but I don't think it ever really goes away. I hope some of the comments here help you. ((hugs))

Female18, I don't think there are really many issues that are specific to only children as opposed to all children. I do make sure that my ds is busy, but I would probably do that if I had more than one, too. Maybe another is to avoid putting pressure on your only? Sometimes with one, I can see that sometimes you might push them to overachieve. Balance is the key.


----------



## rupiezum

Female18, I am currently reading - and enjoying very much - Maybe One by Bill McKibben. I think it might answer a lot of questions for you, and maybe ease some worries.


----------



## widemouthedfrog

Hi there! Can't remember if I introduced myself, but I have been lurking for some time. My dd is two years old, and we are debating whether we will have another. I developed insulin-dependent diabetes during pregnancy, and I am not too keen on going through another pregnancy. Also, I debated having no children for quite some time - or adopting - but dh really wanted one bio child. So here we are.

Megadoula, I am having similar feelings. In some ways, I would LOVE to go through the baby baby stage again, and I adore my daughter and would love to adopt a second. However, I don't want another pregnancy because I am concerned about its impacts on me and on a future child. Dh wants one - he's fairly certain about that. But there are those dratted baby cravings!







:

I am trying to see our family as complete now. And then I have days when I see our family as complete with two. Sigh. Off to see that Mamas with Too Many Children. Maybe that will convince me!


----------



## WillyMom

I just ordered Maybe One!

I had such a cool experience yesterday. I was packing Ben and I up for the car ride home after playing in the park and a Mom and her 16mo DD walked by and we started chatting. We are the same age, live 10 minutes apart, both still nursing, part-time WOH, PT-cosleep and both considering an only.
Sure enough we exchanged numbers and are getting together tomorrow


----------



## AntMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WillyMom* 
I just ordered Maybe One!

I had such a cool experience yesterday. I was packing Ben and I up for the car ride home after playing in the park and a Mom and her 16mo DD walked by and we started chatting. We are the same age, live 10 minutes apart, both still nursing, part-time WOH, PT-cosleep and both considering an only.
Sure enough we exchanged numbers and are getting together tomorrow









Very cool! So nice when you click with someone like that. My DS was almost 3 when I met my best mom friend--she's also an only with an only, like me, and it is nice. I notice recently that it's so much easier for us to get together than it is to get together with my other friends just b/c we only have the two. Other friends have other kids and their schedules to worry about, just too complicated. Oh yeah, our kids are also the same age. She's 5 years younger than me, but other than that, we match pretty well!

Have fun tomorrow!


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## WillyMom

Hi Antmom,
I love to hear about Onlies having onlies, although I saw in your post it seems that the decison was made for you







but you seem ok with it since you had a good experience yourself. Is that right? Not trying to get too personal








It was cool meeting her. Its funny we both seemed relieved when we said we were thinking one!


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## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
I did have a positive only experience on Tuesday. DD and I went to a living history place, and the older woman (50s? 60s?) at the desk asked how old she was, was she my first, were we having any more, etc. And I said, "Nope, she's our first, and we don't plan on having any more", and she said, totally sincerely, as far as I can tell, "Oh, isn't she lucky? Such a precious baby, and she'll get you all to herself and you'll get to enjoy every minute."

Isn't it amazing how a perfect stranger can say just the right thing to make you feel all







about certain details of your life while your relatives seem to get tied up in criticism/misunderstanding/ridiculous expectations? Kudos to history place lady. I'd like to call her up for daily affirmation. She expressed one of my many, complicated reasons for wanting my family to remain a threesome: time, time, time. Is it really so hard for other people to understand why having an only is so appealing in today's zoom-zoom culture? All I hear from parents of more than one is how all they do is run around hither and thither and all of a sudden the kids are grown up. Of course making a conscious effort as a family to lead a slower-paced life would solve that problem, but it seems to me that the bigger the family the more hectic life is. I don't operate well in hectic mode.







:

And deep dark secret revelation time (I don't have a female role model in my family to discuss this with openly and honestly--it's all "of course you'll have another one" from MIL and, well, not much input from my mother for assorted reasons, and my mama friends don't seem willing to address or just don't share this fear): the reality of being the main caregiver to two or more babes terrifies me! As in cold-sweat lying awake at night fear. Can't it just simply be possible that some people weren't raised/born/made/have it in them to be mothers of a big, or even medium-size, brood? Am I an evil, selfish person because I honestly have mimimal interest in repeating what were some of the most truly amazing (but difficult) experiences in my life: pregnancy, childbirth, first twelve months with my babe? It's almost as if admitting your doubts about being able to "do it all" is unacceptable in our culture. Perhaps if we had child care help from family or friends we could really rely on my views would be different. And now that our bean is in toddlerdom a whole new world of learning and doing (aka adventure!) is opening up to us all--I risk again sounding selfish for looking forward to moving ahead instead of going backward to newborn land were we to add a second child in the coming years.

And lastly, I agree with a pp who wrote that you don't become _more_ of a mother by having additional children. Rather, I'd argue that with the added responsibility you become a _different_ mother, not more of a mother. (And of course the same is true for mamas of onlies--as our babes age we have to mother them differently, according to their age.)

Mothering is a hat with so many flaps and pockets and colors and as such none of our hats fit the same or look alike. Some days I swear mine shrunk in the wash! It'd be lovely if we could all accept and be accepted for our different styles. Ah, daydreaming again.


----------



## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coco_Hikes* 
And deep dark secret revelation time (I don't have a female role model in my family to discuss this with openly and honestly--it's all "of course you'll have another one" from MIL and, well, not much input from my mother for assorted reasons, and my mama friends don't seem willing to address or just don't share this fear): the reality of being the main caregiver to two or more babes terrifies me! As in cold-sweat lying awake at night fear. Can't it just simply be possible that some people weren't raised/born/made/have it in them to be mothers of a big, or even medium-size, brood? Am I an evil, selfish person because I honestly have mimimal interest in repeating what were some of the most truly amazing (but difficult) experiences in my life: pregnancy, childbirth, first twelve months with my babe? It's almost as if admitting your doubts about being able to "do it all" is unacceptable in our culture. Perhaps if we had child care help from family or friends we could really rely on my views would be different. And now that our bean is in toddlerdom a whole new world of learning and doing (aka adventure!) is opening up to us all--I risk again sounding selfish for looking forward to moving ahead instead of going backward to newborn land were we to add a second child in the coming years.

Beautifully put, Coco_Hikes! That's pretty much how I feel. I know I can be a good mama to my one and only. When we go to a playground or the mall and I see mamas chasing around multiple kids, I _know_ I couldn't do that. If other people want to call me & DH selfish for recognizing our own limits, then I have nothing to say in response.


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## WillyMom

I too dont think I could handle more than one. And my husband full out admits he cant.
Ben is turning the big 1 in a few weeks and looking back I am mourning the loss of his infancy, but I don't want to replace it or do it again. I just want to cherish it all with him.
I like our threesome. It feels right and calm and happy in todays world.
SAHM of onlies, how is that? Are SAHMs of more than one open to you or weird? I ask bc someone once said that you dont need to SAH with one, like they deserve less or something







:
I currently work PT but want to SAH FT come May and then gradually go back to work as Ben gets older.


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## WillyMom

CoCO hikes, I just looked at Sophies link. What an amazing year you had. I can see how hapy she is and I love the pic or her lying inbetween you and your DH.
Where in NJ are you?
I am in VT but we are from NJ and _may_ be moving back in a year or so, but its top secret IRL!


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WillyMom* 
I too dont think I could handle more than one. And my husband full out admits he cant.
Ben is turning the big 1 in a few weeks and looking back I am mourning the loss of his infancy, but I don't want to replace it or do it again. I just want to cherish it all with him.
I like our threesome. It feels right and calm and happy in todays world.
SAHM of onlies, how is that? Are SAHMs of more than one open to you or weird? I ask bc someone once said that you dont need to SAH with one, like they deserve less or something







:
I currently work PT but want to SAH FT come May and then gradually go back to work as Ben gets older.

You know, if my DH had wanted another, I could've possibly been persuaded - but he was the one who was absolutely adamant (and the one who took that final step of making sure we were all done with the baby making!, LOL!), and it sort of gave me permission to feel good about really only wanting one, if that makes sense!

As for SAHMing it - for us, it made the decision to SAH even easier. It's a big financial sacrifice for us, but we also can view it as something temporary - a worthwhile investment. I think a lot of people think it's laziness on my part. My MiL keeps talking about jobs for me, and my mum has made it plain she thinks I sit on my tush all day and eat bon-bons (no, Mum, that was what *you* did, because you were so unable to cope with the stress of SAHMing it with three kids).


----------



## EnviroBecca

Quote:

She expressed one of my many, complicated reasons for wanting my family to remain a threesome: time, time, time. Is it really so hard for other people to understand why having an only is so appealing in today's zoom-zoom culture? All I hear from parents of more than one is how all they do is run around hither and thither and all of a sudden the kids are grown up.








EnviroDaddy and I already feel like we're too busy and stressed out, with only one child! Last night, for example: After picking up EnviroKid at childcare, I had to tell him the story of Cinderella over and over again







: on the way home (two busses) and we didn't get home until 7:30. Other kids on our block were playing outside, and he wanted to play with them, but he had a dirty diaper. It took both parents to drag him in and change him. Then I supervised his playing with the kids while EnviroDaddy made dinner and ate his. It was about 8:45 when we switched places and I finally got to eat. Before I was done, they came inside; by then EnviroKid was too hungry to be reasonable and demanded various foods and began screaming at high pitch and top volume when we said he had enough choices and we were not going to fix him anything else. EnviroDaddy (who had a headache) couldn't take the noise and stomped out--usefully, to the grocery store. EnviroKid eventually calmed down enough to eat but made quite a mess. By the time I got it cleaned up, EnviroDaddy came back, we got EnviroKid to bed (with another tantrum about toothbrushing), and we did the few things absolutely necessary to get ready for today, we were so tired we both went straight to sleep. Total chores accomplished by 2 parents in the entire evening: 1.







: And we just got back from a vacation and would really like to unpack!


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## katheek77

I'm sort of SAHM - I usually work part-time, but Katie comes with me...my new job starts mid-August..it'll be about 20 hours a week. I nanny, so, really, I just stay at someone else's home.









People are already asking me when I'm going back to work full-time (I used to be an elementary school teacher)...

Er...maybe never? My husband is in the military, and, hey, guess what, even when he's stateside, he's still super busy (he's not home yet and it's 8:15pm). Guess who shleps Katie to her doctor's, and to the zoo, and who's going to have to pick her up if she gets sick at school, or goes there for parent-teacher conferences?...It's probably NOT going to be Sgt. Daddy (although he would if he's available).

And I fully admit I'm selfish. Regarding both psuedo-SAHM, and only having one child. Guess what? I'm going to Cleveland for a couple of days this month or next month. And I might be going w/o DH...and I would NOT be able to do that with another baby. I just wouldn't. Even if Katie was three or four...one is just way more portable. And cheap. I'm thinking of going to Europe with Katie next Spring/Summer. Hey, a plane ticket is a plane ticket...it's EXPENSIVE. And I can fairly easily carry around one kid in the trekker, and still keep track of luggage (I'm an optimist!). Two kids? One would end up checked in WITH the luggage. Just not doable for me. Heck, if I had two, I probably WOULDN'T have my job...people are open to you bringing ONE child with you...but two? That's kind of pushing it in a lot of people's minds, I suspect. One child is great...it's a cramp on my style, but it's actually fairly easy to adapt to...with only one child, I can keep a part-time job, so I make some extra money, AND I can spend that money doing things I like, bringing my DD along...two kids...no extra money being made, and, well, where am I going to go alone with a baby and, say, a three year old? I'm sure it can be done; I just don't want to do it. I value my sanity.

Back to "going back to work". And although I go stir-crazy full-time SAHM (seriously...my last job ended June 15, and I'm jonesing for this one to start), I didn't mind it when I didn't have a kid (when I was in my last two months of pregnancy)...I like some of the house-y stuff, but I also liked having time to do *my* stuff...I figure, if Katie goes to school at 5 years old, I'm taking a good year or so to do *ME* stuff. I'll be the mother burning rubber out of the school parking lot that first day of kindergarten







. I don't want to get rid of her, but, you know, an entire day to just laze around doing what *I* want until 3:15pm???? I'll probably wet myself with excitement. And then I'll take a shower to clean up BY MYSELF!!!!

I will definitely check into that bon-bon thing...I need to place a mega-order for Sept 2011. Maybe some liquor, too.

We have our monkey, she's darn near perfect (except for the fact that she thinks farting is the most hilarious thing ever) and we are both getting excited about how much more she "participates", at least at a conscious, interactive level. We go someplace now, and she's amused by the novelty, and she'll play with stuff, and go up to other people, but, she really doesn't care too much whether it's a new house, or the museum, or Disney World. It's fun, it's cool, it's all the same (which is why we stick to trips to the supermarket or Da-da's work...it's cheap, and it works). But, say, next summer if we do a family vacation, she'll "get" it, even if she doesn't remember it...and the year after THAT, she might even remember little bits of it, and so on...

The idea of starting over with a brand new baby, when I've finally got a "little human" that I've managed to keep alive, and who actually seems happy and fairly well-adjusted, and pretty smart and capable...(well...she's surpassed the dog, at least, in most respects regarding interaction and ability)...to start back at square one again? And to "miss" in a sense, say, year three of Katie's life because I'm trying to keep a new baby content and fed and sleeping and all that? No way...too overwhelming, and, in a way, it would be anti-climactic...sort of BTDT thing (I know myself, I know my husband...it just wouldn't be magical for us a second time around) To readjust ourselves completely back to the beginning...uh-uh.

If people want to have eight kids, they can knock themselves out doing it. But, for me, if i want that many kids, I'll sponsor a baseball team and call it good.


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## widemouthedfrog

Oh, you good people, you're convincing me!
I think that I do want to check out Maybe One.









Yeah, and I'm selfish too. I like to do all sorts of volunteer work, some of it with dd, some of it on my own time. My brain needs an off switch. I work p/t to keep myself out of trouble.







:

I'm still looking for an alternative way to satisfy those unreasonable baby cravings, though. Whenever I see a babe in an Ergo, I melt. Maybe I just need more Ergos.


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## witchygrrl

While I'm pre-TTC, I've only ever wanted one child. DH only wants one child. I'm a sorta only child (half-sis is 22 years older than me and not in my life, and my two step-siblings are toxic and not in my life), and DH is an only child.

People tell us how we'll want more than one, and we always say no, we won't. We want our child to know what it is to value alone time as well as group time. We want to not add to the overpopulation problem any more than possible, but we do want to raise a person who is eco-conscious. We want to be able to have all of our resources (what little we have right now) to be able to go toward this one person. We want to go through the sleepless nights once, not multiple times, and be able to move forward with this one person as s/he develops into an adult.

Maybe we're crazy...but yeah, that's the gist of it.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
The idea of starting over with a brand new baby, when I've finally got a "little human" that I've managed to keep alive, and who actually seems happy and fairly well-adjusted, and pretty smart and capable...(well...she's surpassed the dog, at least, in most respects regarding interaction and ability)...to start back at square one again?
















Great post. ITA!! Our children are close in age...it is sooooo nice to have a "little human" now. We used to call her "little lump."







: And, I also work 20 hours/week and love the time away from home....but enjoy my days home too. I guess it's a perfect fit for me.

I guess I'm just lazy. I just don't want to go through all of it again. Here's what I did one day....

Pregnancy Pros:
-It was cool to be pregnant. People give you more attention.
-I did like buying maternity clothes.
-It was exciting to dream about what she would be like
-Ummmmm....I'm already out of pros

Pregnancy Cons:
-I've never been so tired in my life
-Yet not able to sleep
-Spending 3 months feeling like I'm about to hoark
-Spending the next 3 months eating every cupcake I could find
-All the freakin' Dr. visits, tests, etc...yuck (worries me too much)
-I seriously cannot imagine being pregnant AND chasing around a 2-3 yr old.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 

I'm still looking for an alternative way to satisfy those unreasonable baby cravings, though. Whenever I see a babe in an Ergo, I melt. Maybe I just need more Ergos.









Ok, you got me there.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *witchygrrl* 

People tell us how we'll want more than one, and we always say no, we won't. We want our child to know what it is to value alone time as well as group time. We want to not add to the overpopulation problem any more than possible, but we do want to raise a person who is eco-conscious. We want to be able to have all of our resources (what little we have right now) to be able to go toward this one person. We want to go through the sleepless nights once, not multiple times, and be able to move forward with this one person as s/he develops into an adult.

Maybe we're crazy...but yeah, that's the gist of it.

I think your reasons for wanting one are very cool. It's nice to know what you want in life....

I still am baffled how other people (often strangers) can tell you what YOU will want.


----------



## AntMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WillyMom* 
Hi Antmom,
I love to hear about Onlies having onlies, although I saw in your post it seems that the decison was made for you







but you seem ok with it since you had a good experience yourself. Is that right? Not trying to get too personal








It was cool meeting her. Its funny we both seemed relieved when we said we were thinking one!

Yes, the decision was sort of made for me--it's sort of a question of how much I'm willing to go through for another child. My dh would like another, so I think we might give it one more try, but I am totally content with my one and only. It just doesn't seem right to me to have more than one. If I had another, I'm sure I would adjust, but it's a relief right now to have just the one and I certainly have no desire to run out and do everything possible to have another. Does that make sense?

I know the relief you're talking about, lol. When I first saw my friend at an art class with her son, I said to myself, how weird--she and her son seem like me and my son, the way they are so close. Then I found out he was an only and it was so cool. It's definitely different when there's just one kid, and you can see it in both child and parent. I see it as a good thing--others might not!


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## Miajean

*Today I'd give all kinds of currency to be pregnant again. Today I'd love to have more then one child. Today I want a household bustleing at the seams, totally full!
Today is part of the second week my husband is gone, off to war again (this time for over a year.), doing his duty that brought him out of poverty and into paying his own way. Today my husband is alone, apart from his tiny family that is hardly begun (we're married three years in the winter) our first anniversary present was our daughter and nothing tops that for eternity. Today my husband is far away, working hard, living hard, and his chioces are limited but very powerful for him. Today, my daughter has just me, not many friends yet, pretty worn out of boring mommy and she misses her "dada" pretty bad. so today is kinda a weaker one. Though we are looking forward to perhaps one more, we are an only family for several more years. I love my current only and prefer it this year.*


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Miajean* 
*Today I'd give all kinds of currency to be pregnant again. Today I'd love to have more then one child. Today I want a household bustleing at the seams, totally full!
Today is part of the second week my husband is gone, off to war again (this time for over a year.), doing his duty that brought him out of poverty and into paying his own way. Today my husband is alone, apart from his tiny family that is hardly begun (we're married three years in the winter) our first anniversary present was our daughter and nothing tops that for eternity. Today my husband is far away, working hard, living hard, and his chioces are limited but very powerful for him. Today, my daughter has just me, not many friends yet, pretty worn out of boring mommy and she misses her "dada" pretty bad. so today is kinda a weaker one. Though we are looking forward to perhaps one more, we are an only family for several more years. I love my current only and prefer it this year.*

I want to thank you so much for the job you and your husband are doing for our country. I'm sure you both miss him so, so much. I hope you know how many people are thankful and proud for the job your husband does while he's away and the job you do all by yourself. Bless the both of you.


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
I figure, if Katie goes to school at 5 years old, I'm taking a good year or so to do *ME* stuff. I'll be the mother burning rubber out of the school parking lot that first day of kindergarten







. ... I will definitely check into that bon-bon thing...I need to place a mega-order for Sept 2011. Maybe some liquor, too.

word up!


----------



## boatbaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 

I'm still looking for an alternative way to satisfy those unreasonable baby cravings, though. Whenever I see a babe in an Ergo, I melt. Maybe I just need more Ergos.

















My DH jokes that I don't want more babies, I just want more baby carriers. So true - what is it about those things!?

I admit I was pondering changing the family dynamics this winter -- but whatever hormone kicked on several months back kicked right off again. I went to visit a friend who just had her second a week ago -- I was ready to get all hormonal and baby-wanting... but I TOTALLY didn't. I was happy for my friend and all, but I was thinking - MAN I do not want this. No way!

Even though I had an easy pregnancy and even thought DS was really an easy baby... I just don't think I want to do it all over again nor do I think I can mother two. For me it's having a 1-2 year old again that makes me want to close the gate. I am so happy with DS, I don't feel the need to make any changes to our family dynamic.

Glad this tribe is here -- our culture is SO unsupportive for some reason - saying you want one is so frowned upon...???
People assume you have a medical reason or something, heaven forbid it's just your choice. And the end all is - IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

rantalldonethanks


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## msjd123

I've just been reading lately, not posting much, but I wanted to thank all of you for being so honest. Lately, coming here is the only time I feel validated. I guess I've been kind of hard on myself lately, but it's so often that I think, "Man, what the heck is wrong with me that I feel THIS frustrated/angry/tired/exhausted/etc. and I only have one?!?!" As much as I feel in my heart that having only one will be best for me, for us, and for our sanity, it's hard to let go of feeling that having an only is still "only" one, if that makes sense. Just that word "only" makes it sound like it's not much, and that makes me feel like I must just be a big wimp or something. I don't know, just rambling I guess, but I've been struggling with my emotional limits lately, and I hate realizing that I do have limits, that maybe I just don't have it in me to do all the things other people seem to find so effortless.







:


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
I've just been reading lately, not posting much, but I wanted to thank all of you for being so honest. Lately, coming here is the only time I feel validated. I guess I've been kind of hard on myself lately, but it's so often that I think, "Man, what the heck is wrong with me that I feel THIS frustrated/angry/tired/exhausted/etc. and I only have one?!?!" As much as I feel in my heart that having only one will be best for me, for us, and for our sanity, it's hard to let go of feeling that having an only is still "only" one, if that makes sense. Just that word "only" makes it sound like it's not much, and that makes me feel like I must just be a big wimp or something. I don't know, just rambling I guess, but I've been struggling with my emotional limits lately, and I hate realizing that I do have limits, that maybe I just don't have it in me to do all the things other people seem to find so effortless.







:

oh mama








You ARE being too hard on yourself. I think it is smart to realize you have emotional limits. For me to be a good mom at all, I have to stop here with one even if it's 'only' one. I watch our neighbours do soo much with their 4 year old only daughter and I realize that would be us in just a few years and I get so excited about the thought. I can't say the same about going through another pregnancy and baby stage again though. Which, of course, to most people, sounds like I'm a big wimp who doesn't want to make the sacrifices.. but I don't care. All I care about is for our Present family to enjoy one another and life as much as possible!
...argh. Listen to me ramble so much. I guess what I just want to say is just remind yourself why you want an only and do not judge yourself for those reasons. It's probably the smartest and best decision for your family!


----------



## caspian's mama

i've had good success reframing the word "only". it feels a lot better now, like when i was snuggling next to cas last night, holding hands (per his usual request), and i leaned over and told him he was "my only" before he drifted into sleep. saying that has a damned nice ring to it.


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## female18-

Do you ever feel like you owe your child a sibling? That feeling is always in the back of my mind, as one of the pros of having a second. Anyone else?


----------



## Sonnenwende

Well, my husband had the snip on Monday. The procedure was easy, but the recovery was strangely complicated. We don't know exactly why and neither does the doctor, but he was fairly nausueous, had a lot of vomiting and diahrrea for a few days. As soon as his testicle swelling started to decrease, so did that. No one knows. I can't find this complication anywhere, so I assume it is extremely rare or was unrelated (intestinal flu). Regardless, he is doing better now.









I was looking at some newborn photos of my daughter. My birth and immediate post-partum experience was not great. But I have no desire to do it right with another child, rather I would want to go back in time and change my daughter's birth. That is impossible of course, but what I wish. Another kid is another kid, it is not my daughter nor our shared experience. Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth.

I think my experiences with siblings, having two, makes me think that I don't owe my child any siblings. It wasn't until we were adults that my siblings and I all got along. I only get along with my sister from a distance. After a few days together, we remember exactly why we don't care for each other. My brother and I have a decent relationship, but not a convincing argument to give my child a sibling. My brother and sister have almost no relationship. All a game of roulette. You can breed em, but you can't make em like each other.


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *female18-* 
Do you ever feel like you owe your child a sibling? That feeling is always in the back of my mind, as one of the pros of having a second. Anyone else?


Absolutely not. I get along well with my sibs (tho it probably helps that we're each six years apart), but the majority of people I know have at least one sibling they _loathe_. So it's a crapshoot on that front. And, honestly, to have a sib would mean less attention for DD. And I don't want to pay any less attention to DD.

But what it really comes down to is this - our family feels perfect at this size. We're content.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *female18-* 
Do you ever feel like you owe your child a sibling? That feeling is always in the back of my mind, as one of the pros of having a second. Anyone else?


Nope...I owe my child the best upbringing I can give her. For us, that means having one.

I'm not sure how that is a "pro" of having a second.

Glancing at your other posts, you say you're desperately wanting a second baby. Are you posting in this tribe to be convinced otherwise?


----------



## DaughterOfKali

I only have one child. At my age, I don't think that is going to change.

I can't imagine having another child, at this point. My 4 yr old takes all my energy/time as it is.


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## Sonnenwende

Welcome!


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
Well, my husband had the snip on Monday. The procedure was easy, but the recovery was strangely complicated. We don't know exactly why and neither does the doctor, but he was fairly nausueous, had a lot of vomiting and diahrrea for a few days. As soon as his testicle swelling started to decrease, so did that. No one knows. I can't find this complication anywhere, so I assume it is extremely rare or was unrelated (intestinal flu). Regardless, he is doing better now.









I was looking at some newborn photos of my daughter. My birth and immediate post-partum experience was not great. But I have no desire to do it right with another child, rather I would want to go back in time and change my daughter's birth. That is impossible of course, but what I wish. Another kid is another kid, it is not my daughter nor our shared experience. Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth.

I think my experiences with siblings, having two, makes me think that I don't owe my child any siblings. It wasn't until we were adults that my siblings and I all got along. I only get along with my sister from a distance. After a few days together, we remember exactly why we don't care for each other. My brother and I have a decent relationship, but not a convincing argument to give my child a sibling. My brother and sister have almost no relationship. All a game of roulette. You can breed em, but you can't make em like each other.

I'm glad your husband is feeling better...I hope that was an isolated incident! So, now you still have to be careful for a few months, right? Then he goes back in for sperm count testing to be sure? We're thinking of getting the snip sooner, rather than later. The condom thing is getting old.

I love what you said about going back, to do it again. That expresses how I feel to a tee. I would like to make improvements, but I just don't want to do it all over again.


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## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
All a game of roulette. You can breed em, but you can't make em like each other.

























sorry your dh had complications. glad to hear he's better now, though. hope you're both content with your decision.







we have never looked back since ours!


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## APCDmama

Quote:

I was looking at some newborn photos of my daughter. My birth and immediate post-partum experience was not great. But I have no desire to do it right with another child, rather I would want to go back in time and change my daughter's birth. That is impossible of course, but what I wish. Another kid is another kid, it is not my daughter nor our shared experience. Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth.








Sonnenwende, I can totally relate to feeling this way. I often wonder what would have happened if I'd had a positive birth/baby experience. Would I want a second child now or would I feel the same way (happy with an only)? Initially, there was a part of me which wanted to birth again, to "prove" that my body could do it naturally, and to restore faith in myself. I thought a VBAC would be a powerful healing experience. Then I began to realize that there are no guarantees...I could easily have another negative experience, a thought which terrified me, or I could have a positive experience. The positive experience wouldn't necessarily be better, since I would probably feel guilty about my first child's birth! I get what you're saying.

Two days ago, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for a while. I knew she'd had a child 2.5 years ago, but noticed she was carrying a baby in a front pack as well. Turns out, she's had another baby. She looked completely tired/burnt out/depressed, and expressed how difficult it was to have two children compared to one. She said her first pregnancy/birth was an enjoyable experience, but adding another has increased the stress in her life tenfold. I felt badly for her, but WOW that really reaffirmed my decision to have an only! Call me selfish, but I don't want to walk down that road again. My 3-year-old just started sleeping through the night, and I feel like I have a new lease on life!


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## female18-

Thanks for your replies.
Devster I havent said anywhere that I want a second baby! Huh?! I made a post about wanting to go through another pregnancy but I definately dont want a second child, not anytime soon at least. I cant anyway, im just venting out my thoughts here and making comments that other people IRL say to me about having an only child.
To me it would be a pro for a child to have a sibling for reasons Ive mentioned before. But I dont plan on having anymore, I just dont feel totally happy about it. Im a natural worrier...this is just my nature, sorry!


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *female18-* 
Thanks for your replies.
Devster I havent said anywhere that I want a second baby! Huh?! I made a post about wanting to go through another pregnancy but I definately dont want a second child, not anytime soon at least. I cant anyway, im just venting out my thoughts here and making comments that other people IRL say to me about having an only child.
To me it would be a pro for a child to have a sibling for reasons Ive mentioned before. But I dont plan on having anymore, I just dont feel totally happy about it. Im a natural worrier...this is just my nature, sorry!


My bad...you did say "pregnancy" not another baby! Sorry. I guess I kind of link those two things together.

And, I'm a worrier too.

Vent away.


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## BrownEyed

My little Adrienne will be my only baby for awhile. I have MS and I take meds that I cannot take during pg or BF. Since having her last week my health has gone downhill. I will continue to stay med free and use safe alternatives for those meds until she weans herself. After that we'll have to re-evalute the safety of having another child and what it will do to my health.


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## katheek77

*Re: Siblings*

I don't have a great relationship with my sister. Never did. We'd play together as kids, but we grew up in a sort of isolated area...no kids w/in walking distance. As we got older, we grew apart, and she...um...this has been detailed before. We get along a little better now that I am the mother of her niece, but, it was twenty years in the making.

My husband has a horrible relationship with his younger sister. His older brother died at 19, but, from what I hear, there wasn't a very close relationship anyway...

I don't think Katie "needs" a sibling to be "complete" and happy. I think I would have probably been happier without one, myself...*I* was the one who got blamed when my sister did something because I "should have known better and stopped her"...like the time she drove to a rave in connecticutt the day she got her license and came home high on X. Because, you know, I was studying for midterms, but, whatever.

*RE: A "perfect" birth*

I do sometimes wish for that...I enjoyed pregnancy. There were "problems" (which, in retrospect, I dont' think were problems...just unusual...I dilated early and bled a lot, but, baby was a week late and fine). I wish I'd had a natural birth...I wanted a homebirth...but there is a long history of complication in my husband's family (3 siblings dead at or right after birth), it was a first birth, etc. so, for him, we did the hospital thing, and some stuff was really messed up (I was 9 cm dilating and arguing with the OB about whether my husband could stay in the room while they put an IV in for the epi). I want to go back and do everything "perfectly"...but, then to have to go through a "first year" again...uh-uh.

I did the best I could, with what I knew. And I need to accept that. But the idea of the "perfect" birth still lingers. But, I have the perfect family, for us, so, why screw that up to placate my illusory dreams of a perfect birth (which are, of course, not guaranteed even if I *did* try for it)


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
I'm glad your husband is feeling better...I hope that was an isolated incident! So, now you still have to be careful for a few months, right? Then he goes back in for sperm count testing to be sure? We're thinking of getting the snip sooner, rather than later. The condom thing is getting old.

I love what you said about going back, to do it again. That expresses how I feel to a tee. I would like to make improvements, but I just don't want to do it all over again.

Thanks you guys. I think it was just a fluke thing that he fell ill after the snip. Like I said before, he is doing a lot better now. We are both happy with the decision and are looking forward to our future and the plans we as a family have for it.









Condoms do get old and my husband and I both know that condoms would be a ticking time bomb for birth control. See our daughter for proof!


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## DeeCee

Does anyone have a subscription to this magazine all about Only Children, http://www.onlychild.com

I'm wondering what it's like and if it's worth it to subscripe.

Thanks!


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## EnviroBecca

Quote:

Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth.








If I ever do have another baby, there are some things I'll do differently...but I've found that if I try to imagine a perfect birth, very quickly I start thinking, "But how could I ever make it up to EnviroKid? If I bonded with his sibling immediately after birth and never let them take her away and felt a special warmth for her because of it, that would be so unfair to him!" And I wanted a girl so much but have formed a special relationship with my little boy; if we had a second child and it was a girl, I'm afraid I would be so overjoyed that I'd lose some of my bond with my son.









The biggest thing supporting my only-child urges at this point is noticing my feelings when I see a toddler with a pregnant mother: I ache for that child who is about to lose his/her specialness and be pushed aside by a needy new baby, and I feel furious at the parents for letting that happen. I am the older sibling (brother born when I was 29 months) and I remember what that was like!







: I don't know if a second child would make me hurt my EnviroKid like that, or if I would compensate by favoring EnviroKid over the baby, but either way it wouldn't be pretty!

Hey, I keep reading about vasectomies here, but has anybody decided female sterilization was the way to go? I am thinking about it because we have an open relationship, and all along I've been the one who finds more other lovers. Doesn't do any good for EnviroDaddy to be sterilized if I'm having sex with someone else!









Funny how I can be polyamorous but worry about being able to find enough love and resources for two kids.... Different kinds of love!


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca* 
Hey, I keep reading about vasectomies here, but has anybody decided female sterilization was the way to go? I am thinking about it because we have an open relationship, and all along I've been the one who finds more other lovers. Doesn't do any good for EnviroDaddy to be sterilized if I'm having sex with someone else!









Funny how I can be polyamorous but worry about being able to find enough love and resources for two kids.... Different kinds of love!

I just saw an add on TV for some form of female sterilization. It is permanent and takes a few months to work. Apparently, they go through the vaginal canal, so there is no incision.

www.essure.com

It looks kind-of creepy to me. I wonder what the side-effects would be of blocking the fallopian tubes? Oh well, I would definitely have to do a lot of research on this one. But, I thought of it when you posted.


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## ericisbacchus

I thought I'd come here since my wife and I struggle a bit with this.

Our son is awesome, we love him more than anything and it's been the greatest experience of my life having him, but we're seriously considering having him be an only child.

I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me. We were always best friends and never really fought much. My wife has an older sister (5 years older) and a younger brother (11 years younger).

I can't speak for my wife (she's unsure right now also), but I feel a little like I'm obligated to have another child. I feel like we'd be doing it for our current son, so he could grow up with a sibling. After all, having a sibling can be one of life's great experiences.

It's okay to only have one child isn't it? I know it sounds absurd and that it's okay...I just need reassurance.

My wife and I both agree that now isn't the time. Our son is 17 months, and we'd want to wait until he is at least 24 - 36 months or so before we would try again.

But, we also agree that if it gets to the point where they would be about 5 years or so apart, we wouldn't do it.

Also, I we have a friend who was an only child who says he wishes he had a sibling. Both of his parents have passed away, though.

Oh well. Our thoughts will probably get clearer the closer we get to the 24 - 36 month old age window of our current son.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ericisbacchus* 
After all, having a sibling can be one of life's great experiences.


Hey there! It's cool to get a Dad's perspective on this issue. Especially, since you already have a son.

I often ask my DH if he would ever want another, so he could have a son. (Our DD is 14 months old) He always responds...nope. And, obviously nothing would guarantee a boy anyway.









To the above statement....I guess. If that's been your life. My life as an only child certainly can't include having a sibling as one of life's great moments. And, I don't miss it, since I never had it.

I feel the same about partners who decide never to have children. It doesn't make their relationship/marriage any less valuable or meaningful. It's just something they're not going to experience. I have a close friend, married for 10+ years, who will not be having children. And, my BIL and his wife are choosing no kids.

I think that's cool. Knowing what you want from life...and not apoligizing for it.


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## APCDmama

I wish my DH would agree to the big "V", but I don't want to pressure him. I don't think he's 100% sure about having an only yet, so I understand his hesitation. At the same time, I would love to have one less thing to worry about. Someone mentioned the "oops factor" of condoms...I agree with you! Actually, I am so paranoid about pregnancy that my worries are affecting our sex life. Not a good thing. However, I'm not sure about female sterilization either...


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *APCDmama* 
I wish my DH would agree to the big "V", but I don't want to pressure him. I don't think he's 100% sure about having an only yet, so I understand his hesitation. At the same time, I would love to have one less thing to worry about. Someone mentioned the "oops factor" of condoms...I agree with you! Actually, I am so paranoid about pregnancy that my worries are affecting our sex life. Not a good thing. However, I'm not sure about female sterilization either...

What we did on the big V front was to make the decision - and then sit on it for a year. So DH told his doctor he was going to get it in a year, and then he just kinda sat on it, getting used to the idea, and making sure he was absolutely positive. Then he made the appointment.

I'm with you on the paranoid about getting pregnant thing - I have to tell you, that was such a relief, to not have to worry about it anymore. Carefree sex, woo hoo!


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## Kayaking Mama

Hi everyone. Glad to have found this thread, especially since it seems like so many of the mamas on MDC have 3+ kiddos. DH and I originally wanted 2 kids, then decided maybe no kids, and then finally decided to have one. We adore DS, and have pretty much decided that our family is complete as it is. We do get a lot of pressure from others (I hate the "2 is easier than 1" argument!), and you know, if we could GUARANTEE that DS and his sibling would have a close relationship, that might make it more appealing...but, there are no guarantees, and since I am 36 now and we wouldn't even consider trying for at least another 2 years, well, you know...I'm rambling. Anyway, glad to be meeting all of you parents of "only" kids, and looking forward to hearing more about raising single children as they get older!


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## pinecone

Hi,

Just joining this thread. I have an only DD, now 5yo. I myself grew up as an only. My older sis is developmentally disabled and lived outside the home. My husband is the youngest of 8. So we have really different life experiences where family is concerned.

I wasn't sure about wanting kids at all, but then the biological clock started ticking and at 37 I chose to get pregnant. After the birth and for the first year DH and I talked a lot about having another baby, but we also went through a lot of stress and unpleasantness in the marriage. There's no doubt in my mind that the stressors of having a child was really tough on dh and me. Now that DD is older dh and I are getting back to enjoying our relationship, even though we still have a lot of emotional work.

I identify with the pp who has a desire to get in right the next time. I wasn't able to BF due to a lack of milk and it is something I regret, though I had little control over the issue. I just feel so much more educated now and think it would be cool to apply the knowledge. Very unlikely. At age 42 now I'm less inclined to want to put my body through the physical demands of pregnancy and toddler-hood. Whoa!

My DD is one of those children who has a hard time entertaining herself and really demands a lot of attention. This is truly a challenge for us. And, I do have concerns about how as an only she'll have a burden of dealing with our issues when we are older as I am now dealing with my parents' health issues, money issues, etc. Hopefully, we'll have enough saved for retirement that we won't be a financial drain on her at that time.

Ok, i've rambled long enough. Nice to meet you all I hope to continue this conversation about our onlies.

~ Denise


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pinecone* 
Hi,

Just joining this thread. I have an only DD, now 5yo. I myself grew up as an only. My older sis is developmentally disabled and lived outside the home. My husband is the youngest of 8. So we have really different life experiences where family is concerned.

I wasn't sure about wanting kids at all, but then the biological clock started ticking and at 37 I chose to get pregnant. After the birth and for the first year DH and I talked a lot about having another baby, but we also went through a lot of stress and unpleasantness in the marriage. There's no doubt in my mind that the stressors of having a child was really tough on dh and me. Now that DD is older dh and I are getting back to enjoying our relationship, even though we still have a lot of emotional work.

I identify with the pp who has a desire to get in right the next time. I wasn't able to BF due to a lack of milk and it is something I regret, though I had little control over the issue. I just feel so much more educated now and think it would be cool to apply the knowledge. Very unlikely. At age 42 now I'm less inclined to want to put my body through the physical demands of pregnancy and toddler-hood. Whoa!

My DD is one of those children who has a hard time entertaining herself and really demands a lot of attention. This is truly a challenge for us. And, I do have concerns about how as an only she'll have a burden of dealing with our issues when we are older as I am now dealing with my parents' health issues, money issues, etc. Hopefully, we'll have enough saved for retirement that we won't be a financial drain on her at that time.

Ok, i've rambled long enough. Nice to meet you all I hope to continue this conversation about our onlies.

~ Denise


Hi Denise! Wow...your DH was the youngest of 8?? I'll bet he has some stories to tell. That's really amazing. What's his perspective on having so many siblings? Is he close to any of them?

I think this thread is really cool. It's helping me think through some issues around having an only child. Each day, it seems I get more and more questions about when we're going to have another.

I feel like a broken record.....


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pinecone* 
I identify with the pp who has a desire to get in right the next time. I wasn't able to BF due to a lack of milk and it is something I regret, though I had little control over the issue. I just feel so much more educated now and think it would be cool to apply the knowledge. Very unlikely. At age 42 now I'm less inclined to want to put my body through the physical demands of pregnancy and toddler-hood. Whoa!

I know what you both mean... we had significant difficulties with the pregnancy, the birth and the breastfeeding. I wish I had known then what I know now!

I'm 36, but I have some chronic health issues, and I know it would be much harder on my body this time around. This wasn't a decisive factor for us in choosing to have an only, more like a validating point, but I look at new mothers and think, I am so glad I'm not doing that again!


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## Kayaking Mama

I am really loving DS as a toddler--I sometimes wonder if I'll want another one once he gets older...but, by then, I'll be older too! One thing I know for sure is that I really have no interest in going through another newbornhood, even though by all reports DS was an "easy" baby. I really lost myself and am only just now starting to figure out how to carve out time for myself without feeling guilty for every minute that I COULD be with DS, but choose not to (and those minutes are rare and precious right now!).


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## EnviroBecca

Quote:

I wonder what the side-effects would be of blocking the fallopian tubes?
As far as I've ever heard, there's no side effect to blocking them--the unfertilized eggs dissolve just as they would in the uterus but are reabsorbed by the body (and it's only one cell so doesn't make any difference) instead of being shed in the menstrual flow. There is a possible side effect to any method that doesn't involve cutting the tubes (tying, clamping, blocking with objects inside) which is ectopic pregnancy: because sperm are smaller than eggs, if the procedure isn't done quite right the sperm can get past the knot/clamp/blockage and fertilize the egg, which then can't get down to the uterus. My aunt had this happen and wound up with such infection that she had to get a hysterectomy. So if I decide to be sterilized, I will get the tubes cut!


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## chloe.speaks

I too am an older (not old!) mom, with her first at age 39. DD is now 3 months to the day and the light is at the end of the tunnel now that she is sleeping mostly through the night. I didn't have a difficult pregnancy or birth or even these few months compared to many other moms, but it took all that I had both in physical and emotional wherewithal to get here! I know I couldn't have done this earlier in my life, but perhaps one of the things about having lived so much life already without a bebe is that you have a very strong set way of lifestyle, which of course has already changed substantially with the advent of our sweet bee, for which DH and I are infinitely grateful to the universe for. It remains however, as with anything, another CHOICE to make, for another. We believe that each little small human is it's own choice, so how could things be like "more of the same"?

Like others here, family and friends all assume that we are having another, even though we don't even know for sure. What we do know is, esp. with this first one, is that, to do a good job on each one will take a substantial amount of work, and a hit in economics, which I haven't seen too much talked about - in order to give both the kids and us the life we want. At our age, both of us 40+, there is still so much we want to do with our lives, both in our careers and exploring the world, that one child is still compact enough of a family unit to do, that a second would change. Our dream would be to find a situation where we would find friends or family with a child(ren) to be close to that we could have a close relationship with, sort of a sibling-ish relationship.

All that being said, both DH and I grew up with siblings, and wonder how it would be without them. On the other hand, neither or my siblings have been that family oriented that makes me feel like it is imperative, although DH's sister is very family-oriented. Although she lives almost 3 hrs away, she came down to help us for a week after our birth and has stayed in touch alot regarding our DD.


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## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chloe.speaks* 
What we do know is, esp. with this first one, is that, to do a good job on each one will take a substantial amount of work, and a hit in economics, which I haven't seen too much talked about - in order to give both the kids and us the life we want. At our age, both of us 40+, there is still so much we want to do with our lives, both in our careers and exploring the world, that one child is still compact enough of a family unit to do, that a second would change. Our dream would be to find a situation where we would find friends or family with a child(ren) to be close to that we could have a close relationship with, sort of a sibling-ish relationship.

You're so right--many of the folks who assume you will have more than one child quickly forget about the financial realities of having said little ones or perhaps just don't take them as seriously as we do. There are so many factors to consider. Not only is there an immediate loss of income when one parent stays at home, there is also no contribution to retirement funds/investments/etc. for that person (at least not employer-sponsored--I'm still waiting for a "Mama 401-K"!). And health care coverage may change too if one parent gives up outside work. It was unusual, but my husband and I were on separate work-provided health care plans until mine ran out when I didn't return to my job, and the baby and I had to be added on to my husband's early this year. And of course there is the child care issue. Maybe if we had grandparents/other relatives who were in good enough health and lived nearby to help with child care on a regular basis I would have returned to work last year when my leave ended. But we didn't have that kind of family help, and paying for outside-the-home child care would have eaten up half of my paycheck. So that financial factor played a big role in our decision that I would stay home (indefinitely?).

Even if we limit our family a threesome, I'm still worried about our financial future. We live in a two-income culture nowadays, that is clear to me. While the area where we currently live (for work reasons) is particularly expensive (Bergen County, NJ, about 15 miles from New York City) we don't exactly fit into the giant house and giant SUV-driving mentality (not judging--just describing







) that is pervasive here. We'd like to buy a house before we are in our fifties, but at this rate, who knows when it will really happen. Anyway, my point is that the world we live in and are raising our little ones in is much different financially than the one in which our older relatives, even our parents, grew up in and raised their kids in. Limiting family size to try to live within a certain level of financial means is just a fact of life for some of us!


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## Kayaking Mama

chloe.speaks, your post sums up many of our thoughts perfectly. We have changed many aspects of our lifestyle (gladly) with the birth of DS--but we also hope to get back some of those aspects as DS grows up a bit.

Most of the moms of 2+ that I see are absolutely stretched to the maximum in at least one area (financially, time-wise, emotionally, maritally) and I just don't want to create that kind of situation for me and for DH and DS. As it is, it's stretch enough with just DS!

Anyway, it's good to find this tribe, and to hear our feelings mirrored in others' posts...


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## devster4fun

Ugh. Just had to share with my only mamas, we had our first bout of sickness this week.

DD had Roseola. No big deal, but DD has never been sick at all. She ran a 103.6 fever and was really, really, REALLY grumpy. We had to hold her all day and at 15 months and 24 lbs, that's a task. The fever broke and the rash cropped up, but she's feeling so much better.

Add to all that, she's cutting all 4 eye teeth at once.

Then I called the ped to get some advice from the nurse. Mistake. I got the "...well I see you've delayed some vaxes, we should probably see DD."

Me: "Um. Ok. So you think she has measles?"

Nurse: "Oh no, she would be very sick if she had measles."

Me: "OK, then I think it's simple Roseola and her fever is gone now."

Just felt the need to rant somewhere. I can't imagine how women care for multiple children when one or more is sick. Props to them.


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## Juliacat

I think I am probably just PMSing today, but I am feeling really upset because in a lot of ways I do think dd would benefit from having a close in age sibling, and I want her to have what I did not. But another child would destroy us financially and it would drive me absolutely batsh!t crazy and I would probably end up in a mental institution...all of which would be detrimental to the optimal health of dd.


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## rambunctiouscurls

devster4fun







to you and your dd. Hope she feels better soon. We just got over a bug over here too. It was a ROUGH week. I hear ya on the moms with multiples too. I literally sat on a chair and nursed her 24/7 and she still lost weight. she is doing a lot better now though. I pretty much have my hands full with just dd.


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## Raio de Sol

I have been struggling with the idea of having another baby lately, I think it's hormones? Many friends are having seconds this year, and as soon as I see those little bundles I'm all "oooooohhh I want another one!!!"; I feel it in my heart sometimes, and it hurts, because I wish I had more help so I could have another one (family lives far away, we're both working parents juggling shifts without daycare for budget reasons). But I like it just the 3 of us (dd is 2 and easy-breezy as can be). But then I see those babies and it all comes back..... I'm thinking of doing some therapy to overcome these impulses in order not to make a dumb decision, because I can tell we wouldn't be able to make it with more kids without losing our sanity/fantastic relationship







:







:







:


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
Ugh. Just had to share with my only mamas, we had our first bout of sickness this week.

DD had Roseola. No big deal, but DD has never been sick at all. She ran a 103.6 fever and was really, really, REALLY grumpy. We had to hold her all day and at 15 months and 24 lbs, that's a task. The fever broke and the rash cropped up, but she's feeling so much better.

Add to all that, she's cutting all 4 eye teeth at once.

Then I called the ped to get some advice from the nurse. Mistake. I got the "...well I see you've delayed some vaxes, we should probably see DD."

Me: "Um. Ok. So you think she has measles?"

Nurse: "Oh no, she would be very sick if she had measles."

Me: "OK, then I think it's simple Roseola and her fever is gone now."

Just felt the need to rant somewhere. I can't imagine how women care for multiple children when one or more is sick. Props to them.

Oh man, I remember roseola, and my DD was teething at the same time, too. It was really awful. Afterwards, I read somewhere that roseola makes them ache all over and their skin is very sensitive to the touch; that's why they're so miserable. I'm glad the worst has passed. We took pictures of our spotty baby when she had the rash just so we could say, "Look, we all survived!"


----------



## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
I think I am probably just PMSing today, but I am feeling really upset because in a lot of ways I do think dd would benefit from having a close in age sibling, and I want her to have what I did not. But another child would destroy us financially and it would drive me absolutely batsh!t crazy and I would probably end up in a mental institution...all of which would be detrimental to the optimal health of dd.

Those are my feelings EXACTLY. I've had issues with depression and axiety -- DH too; it's fun at our house!







-- but I can usually get things under control by myself. I have no doubt that I would have to be medicated if I had another; it would just push me over the edge. What you said about giving your DD a sibling rings true for me, too, which is why I'm not ready to say we're done, even though I'd about 90% sure we are. I wish, I wish, I wish DD had been a mellower, more easygoing kid, but she's not, and I love her, but man, if I could be guranteed an "easy" baby for #2, I just might do it. I highly doubt that, though, and I'm usually right in my gut feelings, so, I think this is it.


----------



## NYCVeg

Mostly subbing--haven't read the whole thread yet.

Dd is 14 months and we plan on her being an only. We get a lot of "Oh, but she NEEDS a sibling" and "You'll change your mind when she's older." Um, no, I don't think we will. We also get some hints of the "you're not a real parent until you have 2" stuff. My BIL told me what a "great job" we were doing with one, but said it would all be different when we had two (assuming, I guess, that we wouldn't bf or cloth diaper if we had a second and would just plop the second one in front of the TV).

I don't get the "one is SO much easier" line. In some ways it is, in some ways it isn't, and SO much depends on your child. Dd is a pretty easygoing and independent little rutabaga, but with PPD, severe bfing issues (thrush, OAL, oversupply, cracked nipples, and Raynaud's, which is permanent), and now about a dozen serious food allergies (wheat, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, and eggs, among others), I certainly wouldn't call it "easy."

I have great respect for those who have many children (heck, my mom had 5 and wanted more!). But I don't have more to give than I'm giving right now, and, frankly, I'm okay with that.

We love not having to worry about financing dd's education (or worrying less!), about outgrowing our house, etc. We plan on giving her lots of time with her cousins and letting her take a friend on vacations when she's older (both me and my bf from childhood were the youngest in our families by 6/8 years, respectively, so we often went on vacations with each other and no siblings--it was a blast!).

I have a few friends who are onlies, and they all spoke very positively about their experiences--closeness with their parents, inclusion in family decisions, resources available to them that might not have been otherwise. I just don't think there's any one particularly family dynamic that leads to happy, well-adjusted children.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
She is wonderful and our lives are truly richer and fuller with her here. We feel so complete and happy. I like being able to focus on one thing. Part of the decision is financial. We want to be able to afford many opportunities for her & want to be home until she is in school. Part of the decision is, we know our marriage very well. We are aware how important it is to preserve and nurture...us!

I agree with this completely, particularly the last bit. We love dd so much, but we find parenting so unbelievably draining. It's hard to have anything "left" for each other--we are very much looking forward to her being a bit older, having some more flexibility and free time (and sleep).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 

Sometimes I worry because I HAVE to get it right the first time!

This, too! We are still bfing, and most of the issues (except the Raynaud's) have been worked out, but I really grieve that I will never get bfing a newborn "right." Bfing was SO traumatic for both of us for many months. OTOH, given all the problems, I can't imagine doing it again.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
See, that is EXACTLY how I feel, but I've given up on thinking that DH and I must just be big wimps or something. We're not. We're strong people doing the best we can. We have our own lives, we have our life together, we have our jobs, our hobbies, our families, our house, our beautiful daughter -- all we want now is a sense of calm satisfaction. Life is every day, you know? I'm not willing to make sacrifices for years and years and years just so that, one fine day, we'll finally enjoy our everyday lives. I want to enjoy life now. I like the sense of immediacy that comes from knowing that I won't be doing all of these things all over again in another year or two. .

Thank you so much for posting this. This is it, precisely.


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## EnviroBecca

Quote:

I'm not willing to make sacrifices for years and years and years just so that, one fine day, we'll finally enjoy our everyday lives. I want to enjoy life now.








Thanks for saying this so I know I'm not the only one thinking it!


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## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
I was looking at some newborn photos of my daughter. My birth and immediate post-partum experience was not great. But I have no desire to do it right with another child, rather *I would want to go back in time and change my daughter's birth*. That is impossible of course, but what I wish. *Another kid is another kid, it is not my daughter nor our shared experience. Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth*.

Just looking back on some older posts I'd missed. The bold parts of this message really hit home for me. When thinking about this, I sometimes find myself going down a road of "Well if there was a next time, we would do so many things differently (have a real babymoon, with no visitors for hours on end for consecutive days!; stress less about getting "everything" done; embrace cosleeping from the start, etc.)." But I wonder if that isn't just a power issue going on between myself and . . . myself.







: Anyway, just because I would know so much more if there was a second time doesn't necessarily mean it would be the right thing to do for our family.


----------



## msjd123

Ugh, I have to get this off my chest because it's just BUGGING me! It's one of those things where, at first, I just shrugged and thought, "Eh, whatever," but the more I think about it, the more it's getting to me.

Our babysitter takes care of my DD and another little girl Alexa, age 16 months. Alexa has a 4-year old brother, and both kids are very sweet. I like the parents and the kids, so it's just a great set-up. My DD is quite timid around strangers, though, and it takes her a long time to warm up to people, so even though she sees Alexa's mom or dad everyday, she always gets very quiet when they come to pick up Alexa because she doesn't really "know" them. They don't interact with her and are only ever there for a few minutes, so I guess to her, they're still strangers. Normal, right? Well, today when I was picking up my DD, I saw that Alexa's mom was already there. My DD was quiet, just watching, but as soon as she saw me, she jumped up and said, "Mommeeeeee!!!!"







(Love that!) The she started showing me the picture she made, taking me to see the bunny (the babysitter has a bunny!), telling me what she did, etc. -- just talking up a storm. Alexa's mom noticed and said, "She's always so quiet until you come, and then she just lights up, huh?" I said "Yes," with a smile and was about to say how that totally makes my day, when she said, "I guess it's because she's an only. Not used to talking around other people."








HUH?!?

Then our babysitter started talking about what the kids had done today, so the topic was changed and I didn't end up saying anything, but I didn't know quite what to make of it. She's such a nice person, so I'm sure she didn't mean any harm by it, but I can't believe people would really think that way! It's just my DD's personality. Literally BAJILLIONS (and you know that's a lot







) of kids and adults are like that. I'm like that. DH is like that. Really, it's totally normal to me. And honestly, my DD, like any 2.5-year old is a motormouth at home, so believe me, she gets plenty of talking in. She talks to anyone who takes the time to build some trust with her, and I'm not blaming Alexa's mom or anything (it's not like I have much of a relationship with Alexa) but I was just so shocked. I thought I must have misheard her.

Anyways, so it's bugging me, and I didn't know who to tell!


----------



## widemouthedfrog

Sarah, my dd is the same way. Definitely a personality thing, although I am sure that it will be "blamed" on being an only at some point.

Um, and if I have the math correct, wasn't Alexa's older brother also an "only" at your dd's age?


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## widemouthedfrog

Yeah, I think that the urge for a do-over of nursing is one reason I'd want another. Although the primary reason is that now I feel that I have "found my way" into my parenting style, and with dd I was really searching for the first 6months or so. I'd love to try it over again from the beginning. Then again, there is always the possibility that something else will go wrong with another babe - a do over doesn't mean that it'll be perfect!


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## katheek77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
Alexa's mom noticed and said, "She's always so quiet until you come, and then she just lights up, huh?" I said "Yes," with a smile and was about to say how that totally makes my day, when she said, "I guess it's because she's an only. Not used to talking around other people."

!

And *my* DD will go up to anyone (strangers included) and begin babbling at them, let them pick her up, etc.

It *can't* be a personality thing...It *must* be because she's an *only*







: and NEVER gets to talk to other people. You know, the whole "must be lonely" bit. Because, since she doesn't have siblings, she NEVER EVER sees other people. I keep her in a closet, in fact. To seclude her even more. Much easier with only one child...she can't escape while I put her brother or sister in.

We might as well just accept the fact that we're ruining our children by not birthing our own basball team for them to play on.


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## bu's mama

Hey ladies, mind if I join too?

I just have time for a quick intro...

My only dd is Hannah, 5 yo & truly the light of my life. I was originally thinking of having 2 children...about 5 years apart. I know my stress level & thought that it would be a good space. However, stbx & I started having significant problems after she was born. I should probably say the problems were always there, but became more pronounced.

In terms of the breakup of my marriage, I'm grateful we didn't have more children. While I see the benefits of the siblings bonding during the stressful time, I also can't imagine dealing with a third schedule on top of mine & dd's.

I've gotten some of the criticism of only having one, especially from a friend with two who seems to think I have it easy. It's not often, but I'm still always shocked when she says something.

Time to run...have to get ready for work. Nice to meet you all!


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## ButterflyStarburst

Hullo all,

Hope you don't mind if i jump in. I'm a mother to an only, by default. So this is rough for me. I envy all of you who have chosen only to have one and are so happy about it! Most days, i adore the fact that it's just me and DS though.

However, i'd prefer to make the decisions about whether i will find another partner and have more children at some point, myself. I don't need perfect strangers telling me that i really should find that special someone so DS can have a sibling. As if telling a married couple to have a second child isn't meddling enough! Don't you think i'd LIKE to find someone who doesn't hate me/feel repulsed by me? Thanks a lot.

And often, i just don't think upseting DS's life SO incredibly much is worth it. If i were still with my H, then i'd be allllll about #2. In fact, i believe we'd already HAVE #2. However, at this point i'm happy that i at least have DS from all the horrible stuff i went through....

So yeah. Joining the ranks!


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
It *can't* be a personality thing...It *must* be because she's an *only*







: and NEVER gets to talk to other people. You know, the whole "must be lonely" bit. Because, since she doesn't have siblings, she NEVER EVER sees other people. I keep her in a closet, in fact. To seclude her even more. Much easier with only one child...she can't escape while I put her brother or sister in.











Seriously, if DD had siblings, she'd get out less. Because she's an only, I make an extra effort to get her to playgrounds, activities, etc. It's be easy for me to just stay home with her, but I don't.

I know plenty of families with multiple kids who don't socialize nearly as much outside of the home - partially because it's so much effort to get out the door, and partially because they figure the kids can entertain themselves. (And this is what these families themselves have told me, not what I'm interpreting.)


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## NYCVeg

So a question for all you moms of onlies who found the baby stage to be really, really, really difficult...when did it get really good? Dd is 14 months and I am enjoying this age SO much more than I enjoyed babyhood. But I feel my life will feel so much more settled and less stressful when she's a bit older--can communicate verbally, can more readily engage in activities I enjoy (drawing, going to museums, playing board games, etc.), can play with less supervision, etc.

How have you found your experiences with your only changing (for the better or for the worse) as s/he got older.


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
So a question for all you moms of onlies who found the baby stage to be really, really, really difficult...when did it get really good? Dd is 14 months and I am enjoying this age SO much more than I enjoyed babyhood. But I feel my life will feel so much more settled and less stressful when she's a bit older--can communicate verbally, can more readily engage in activities I enjoy (drawing, going to museums, playing board games, etc.), can play with less supervision, etc.

How have you found your experiences with your only changing (for the better or for the worse) as s/he got older.

DD is now 4 1/2, and it's been getting better and better since about your DS's age. I just love her more and more. I love the person that she is becoming. I love hearing her thoughts and views, watching her work things out in that busy little brain...


----------



## bu's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
...How have you found your experiences with your only changing (for the better or for the worse) as s/he got older.

I have to say I really loved every age so far. I think one of the best parts about having an only is that I can really savor each stage with her & get to know her better. The only age I didn't love as much was around 2 or so. She was a late talker, though we did sign language and she would get so frustrated but not able to say what she needed.

Dd was 5 in May & I really love this age too. She's independent, can verbalize what she experiences and wants or needs. I have to watch myself that I give her room so she can grow, make mistakes, etc. Especially with her father & his family, they can be overbearing and do every. little. thing. for her instead of letting her be.

We are really close & I don't see that changing any time soon.


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## APCDmama

*People assuming your child is a certain way because he/she's an only:*

Very annoying. As many PP's have already stated, personality has more to do with certain characteristics (i.e. being slow to warm in social situations) than family size. My DD's demanding, high-maintenance personality is often attributed to being an only. Believe me, she's been like this since birth!







: Also, she's 3 years old and still learning some of the social graces. She was having trouble telling a younger child she wanted to play alone at the playground. The other child's nanny asked, "Is she the only one?" I said, "Yes." She replied, "She really needs a brother or sister." I know the nanny didn't mean any harm, but what a frustrating comment!

*When does it get easier after a challenging infancy?*

I found 18 months to be a turning point, and it got better from there. I love that DD (3) can communicate well with me, and that she FINALLY sleeps through the night. The lack of sleep was the worst part of infancy/toddlerhood for me. We are having lots of fun now that she's older.


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## katheek77

Ahem...

Having just read the whole Duggar family saga and accompanying threads, I am ever so grateful to have my one and ONLY daughter.

I figure we wont' offend too many people since we're all only parents...but, does anyone fine having 17 children just a bit...gohs, I guess the nice way is to say "unusual" and the snarky way to say "attention whorish"?

I'm just very sad for those kids...how much one on one quality time (or any time, really) do you think they get with mom or dad? Especially when you figure that EVERY 18 mos or so there's a brand new baby occupying mom....I understand that some people have 3 or 4 kids rather close together, but, that's sort of temporary...the baby eventually becomes a pre-schooler and mom's time is less commanded by the youngest...but, in this family, there's ALWAYS a baby...how do the kids deal with that? Poor tings.


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## Juliacat

I did everything right the first time.














Seriously, I had a fantastic birth, and etc. I don't feel the need to have another kid for those reasons at all.

I don't know, when I think of having another kid I feel excited, but when I think of _not_ having one, I feel relieved.

I thought infancy was tiring but okay. Toddlerhood is kind of kicking my a$$, though. She's actually a really easygoing, well-behaved child, but--perhaps because I'm an only child myself!--I just have a really hard time putting her needs ahead of mine 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There isn't much peace around here, and I like peace.

I'm told that this problem gets somewhat better at age 3 and lots better at age 5. Anyone concur?

When my grandniece and grandnephew were toddlers, before I got pregnant, I used to babysit them a lot, even overnight. I SWORE at that time that I would take a 3-year vow of celibacy beginning on the day of my first child's birth. I knew even then that two toddlers would drive me mental, and I certainly know it now.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
She's actually a really easygoing, well-behaved child, but--perhaps because I'm an only child myself!--I just have a really hard time putting her needs ahead of mine 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There isn't much peace around here, and I like peace.

I'm told that this problem gets somewhat better at age 3 and lots better at age 5. Anyone concur?


That was such a powerful post for me....it rings very true. I was just thinking about this today, in fact. I realized I was very thirsty and starving for dinner, but DD was hungry and I had to help her first. I enjoy caring for her immensely, but it can be draining.

I too, was an only and sometimes miss the *me* time.

She's 15 months and so amazing. Each day brings a new word, some new ability...it's incredible to watch. I wonder if it's this cool the 2nd or 3rd time around? It's like I want to shout from the rooftop, "Hey everyone, she said the word 'keys'!!!!"


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## msjd123

I've heard that 3 is worse than 2 (from my own mom, and my dd is quite the little mini-me) but we'll see. 2.5 sure isn't a walk in the park.

As for the Duggars, it always boggles my mind how calm that woman is. And how darn freaking lucky that she must have gotten 17 pretty easygoing kids!


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## psychmama

Glad to find this thread. We are perfectly content being just the three of us, although I do sometimes get baby cravings when holding an infant. Then I remind myself of what having another one would actually mean, and those cravings go away really quickly. I am not someone who does well with chaos, and I really need some times to myself. My only regret is that she won't have siblings as an adult--I have a pretty close relationship with my sisters, and I know they will always be there for me.


----------



## Kayaking Mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *psychmama* 
I am not someone who does well with chaos, and I really need some times to myself. My only regret is that she won't have siblings as an adult--I have a pretty close relationship with my sisters, and I know they will always be there for me.

ITA with needing some time to myself. I sometimes feel so guilty when I hear DS waking up from his nap and thinking, "Already?" even when it's been his usual 1.5-2 hours...

As far as the sibling thing goes, you're really lucky to have a close relationship with yours--but I certainly know lots of people with siblings who aren't close to them, or worse, have contentious relationships with them (DH included). Just because your kiddo has siblings doesn't mean they'll get along, or even like or tolerate each other--as kids, or as adults.

I do feel badly sometimes that DS will have the whole burden of dealing with DH and I as elderly parents--but I really can't justify having another child for that reason, KWIM?


----------



## Jeanne D'Arc

*

Another only child here! My DD is almost 3 (on the 14th!)
Only child because mamma has a chronic condition. I have
Fibro/CFS which is probably really Lyme ( so i hear )

So my health prevents me from seeing through another pregnancy.
However if i were to fully recover i might consider ( emphasis
on CONSIDER ) having another. It really would depend since
i have had so many problems and hardships.

Its interesting to see all the different *reasons* for not having
another. It doesnt matter to me though, i am kinda pissed that
i dont truely have a choice in the matter. I know if i attempted
another pregnancy i would probably die or something close to it
( esp with how sick i was with my first ).

Anyways just dont let people get to you, and me...being a mormon
being a baby machine is like, your ultimate calling in life! So
if you arent popping out tons of kids you are kinda seen as " less than ".

Aghh, well thats my schpeel. Love you all!!

-Roman
*


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## caspian's mama

mamas, it does get better as the kids get older. i won't necessarily say "easier" because there are new challenges with every age, but showering (or pooping!) alone, eating alone, and maybe even (gasp!) going for a solo walk now and then WILL be in your near future. i love that my family always makes comments like "he plays so well independently!" he really gets to stretch the limits of his imagination when hanging out by himself and it's so cool to see the results.


----------



## njbeachgirl

Well I just wanted to introduce myself, since I started out lurking during DD's nap and ended up reading the whole very interesting thread... I'm Denise







I am an only child married to DH, who is one of four BOYS....

First I just wanted to say that as an only I turned out pretty good







although I am a cranky artist type







I had two other girlfriends in HS who were onlies and they are also smart, happy and successful. At times in my childhood I wanted a sibling so I could have someone else to play with all the time but guess what.... looking back, all my friends with sibs constantly fought with them!!!

I think the benefits of being an only outweigh the drawbacks. I always had a lot of friends and did tons of activities with other kids. I had a lot of attention from my parents and we had great vacations and lived comfortably. When it came time for college I was able to attend one of the best art schools in the country, and there are no student loans to pay off now.

Despite all this I do really want dd to have a sibling, and we do want one more child so I am not joining this tribe. Just wanted to share my experiences with you all. I think you are all making a great decision.... and you should ignore what stupid people say.... I think it's extremely rude to comment on someone's family's size!!! A mom to 1, is just as much of a mother as a mom to 7.

Also a couple of things that resonated with me:

wanting to do it all over the right way: I totally admit to this. Of course it's not our only reason for having one more kid but when I think about it I do think about what I'd do differently.... homebirth, more of a babymoon, hopefully an easier time with BF....

and the "selfish" reasons for having only one: (in quotes because I don't really think they are selfish-they make sense): such as having time to yourself, wanting to pursue a career, not wanting to go through babyhood again, financial issues (it's hard enough with 1!), travel, portability, stronger marriage. Those things all make sense.

I'm glad to see some people on MDC deciding on onlies!!! Like anything else it has pros and cons but all in all it's a great way to grow up.


----------



## caspian's mama

wow, mama! thanks a bunch for sharing your growing-up experience. it's SO fortifying to hear real-life success tales.


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## lisalou

Nice to find this thread and read it as I'm about to be invaded for 2 1/2 weeks by my mother and then ILs. MIL keeps dropping hints about how another would be nice. Also wondering how dd is going to deal with the fact that everyone in her new preschool appears to have a sibling. I think she likes being an only but wouldn't mind being prepared for any requests for siblings. Has anyone had to deal with that?


----------



## Sonnenwende

My husband just had his sperm count control today and he is sperm free!








: We will still need the yearly controls to make sure the vas deferens haven't reconnected, but right now, looks great.

It was a little rocky for the first two weeks after the vasectomy, but he is doing very well now.

I feel more relieved than anything. I like our family just the way it is.


----------



## caspian's mama

congratulations. glad your husband has recovered well.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Thanks! Now he just needs to get across that darn ocean.









Quote:

I do feel badly sometimes that DS will have the whole burden of dealing with DH and I as elderly parents--but I really can't justify having another child for that reason, KWIM?
Well, there is no guarantee of being an old aged burden on your son. My paternal grandparents lived to be in their 80s, completely independent. They both died never seeing a nursing home or assisted living facility.

My plan is just for us to be as well prepared financially for that for our daughter if it comes down to it. I hope not though.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisalou* 
Nice to find this thread and read it as I'm about to be invaded for 2 1/2 weeks by my mother and then ILs. MIL keeps dropping hints about how another would be nice. Also wondering how dd is going to deal with the fact that everyone in her new preschool appears to have a sibling. I think she likes being an only but wouldn't mind being prepared for any requests for siblings. Has anyone had to deal with that?

How's the visit going?? Another child would be nice for who?? I love when in-laws who see us every few months say this. Um...you're not the one up every hour for 6 months.







:

How's DD doing at pre-school? I went to pre-school from 2.5-5 and this was never an issue. (I'm an only) Do you mean because there are lots of kids there who have siblings in the same school?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
My husband just had his sperm count control today and he is sperm free!







: We will still need the yearly controls to make sure the vas deferens haven't reconnected, but right now, looks great.

It was a little rocky for the first two weeks after the vasectomy, but he is doing very well now.

I feel more relieved than anything. I like our family just the way it is.


Thanks for this update. DH is still "thinking" about this one. I know he's scared of any medical stuff...like really scared. He faints at the thought of needles etc... (He passed out cold during my emergency c-section)

BUT, he also hates condoms. (as do I) So, I think that will win out over the scare. I think him reading things like this will help.


----------



## Sonnenwende

We decided to go with a vasectomy because:

1) Neither of us wanted hormonal birth control.

2) Neither of us trusted that we would 100% use condoms, spermicide, diaphrams, etc. NFP? Hahahaha!

3) Tried the copper IUD and it didn't work out, unfortunately.

4) We read about a tubal and how it was major expensive surgery vs. the outpatient cheaper vasectomy procedure.

5) My husband decided that since I had had to our kid and he saw what a barrel of laughs that was physically for me, he decided he would take one for the team in this arena and do it.

6) On the bizarre, off chance that we would want to do a reversal, vasectomies are easier to reverse. Of course, not 100%, but the odds are better than with a tubal.

My husband said it was kinda like going to the dentist. Not fun, but no big deal either. The ends are worth the means.


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## ItsAllGood

*VOTE FOR ONLY CHILD FORUM*
Hey everybody...go to the Questions and Suggestions Forum and click on the Thread - Only child forum - share your opinion and suggestion for this forum to come to fruition on the Parenting board. Hopefully the administrators of the website will make it so. Lots of parents who post here have been requesting it for a long time.
This is the first time I saw it featured in the weekly motheringdotcommune email.


----------



## lisalou

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
How's the visit going?? Another child would be nice for who?? I love when in-laws who see us every few months say this. Um...you're not the one up every hour for 6 months.







:

How's DD doing at pre-school? I went to pre-school from 2.5-5 and this was never an issue. (I'm an only) Do you mean because there are lots of kids there who have siblings in the same school?

The visit is going as well as can be expected. sigh. Most of my comments on the visit though just belong in a "passive agressive inappropriate comment making MIL's tribe" is there one of those?









She starts preschool after labor day. They had a camp in July to get kids ready for the idea of school and figure out small groups. I swear every parent at pick up and drop off had at least one additional kid with them and/or was also pregnant. She doesn't seem interested in siblings and I would think seeing examples of siblings would only make someone her age not want one. I guess I"m borrowing trouble and just wondering if anyone has had to deal with their child asking for a sibling and if so how they dealt with it.


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## Juliacat

I dragged myself to toddler playgroup last week and I was almost the only mom there who wasn't pregnant. I have a copper IUD and the side effects were bad the first month but I'm fine with it now. I just hope the darned thing works!


----------



## Juliacat

Dd is 22 months. I calculate that we have 5 more months before people start being rude. How old was your child when people started to notice that (s)he was an only?


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ItsAllGood* 
*VOTE FOR ONLY CHILD FORUM*
Hey everybody...go to the Questions and Suggestions Forum and click on the Thread - Only child forum - share your opinion and suggestion for this forum to come to fruition on the Parenting board. Hopefully the administrators of the website will make it so. Lots of parents who post here have been requesting it for a long time.
This is the first time I saw it featured in the weekly motheringdotcommune email.

Cool, I will do it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
Dd is 22 months. I calculate that we have 5 more months before people start being rude. How old was your child when people started to notice that (s)he was an only?

Well...I don't think most people intend to be rude. I think they are having a wonderful time with multiple children and that brings them great joy. Just as I can't imagine life without DD.

I think once they start walking and looking less "infant-like" the questions and comments begin in earnest. I get the "are you sure" comment almost daily.

In one ear and out the other.


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## boatbaby

I wanted to get some of my fears about DS being an only off my chest and see if others could relate or had some insight. I love our family of 3 and can't see changing things -- but here's what worries me.

(1) What if I lose him. Yes, that nagging worst case scenario. I hear stories about people losing kids at age 6, 16, 26. And then NOTHING? I shudder to think.

(2) I know this is selfish but -- I would really love to have a grandkid one day. I think I would be really sad if DS decided not to have a family of his own.

I know these fears are not reasons to have anther child. But if you ever worry about these things -- how do you make yourself push past it?

ETA: I fall into the category of CHOOSING to have only. I am healthy, young (ish), did not have problems TTC, and DS was an easy pregnancy and easy baby FWIW.


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## AntMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
(1) What if I lose him. Yes, that nagging worst case scenario. I hear stories about people losing kids at age 6, 16, 26. And then NOTHING? I shudder to think.


My biggest fear. I definitely understand this. BUT, I realize that another child would not ease the pain of losing this one. No way. Yes, bad things do happen, but they also happen to people with more than one kid. What if your dh were out driving with your five kids and they were all wiped out?

None of this is pleasant to talk about, but it is certainly a valid issue. I just think with more than one, I would worry twice as much.

I guess there are no guarantees for any of us--I try to enjoy life as it is, because it could change at any moment. But like I said, that's true for anyone, not just moms of onlies. Also, I like my family the way it is; do I want to risk changing our family dynamics on the off chance that the worst might happen?

I'd love to hear others' perspectives on this. It is scary to think about.


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## Sonnenwende

I guess if my daughter were to die, it wouldn't make that big of a difference if I had other children or not. None of those children would be my daughter and none of them could hope to replace who she was. And then who knows how she would die, tragic accident that also involved her siblings dying were she to have any? This happens, unfortunately. People occasionally lose all of their children at once. The only thing that is guaranteed about life is there are no guarantees.

The same is true with wanting grandchildren. Even though the odds are better when you have more children that you will have grandchildren, there is no real reason for them to do so if they don't want to. Two or three could decide to be childfree and/or be infertile. Hard to know. Could also be the case that my daughter "rebels" like I see here on this forum as an adult and has multiple grandchildren. Who knows?

To be honest, I don't really bother myself with these things. What's going to happen is going to happen and I am just along for the ride.


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## Juliacat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
(1) What if I lose him. Yes, that nagging worst case scenario. I hear stories about people losing kids at age 6, 16, 26. And then NOTHING? I shudder to think.

What if you have another child and your ds lives to a ripe old age but something happens to the other child that you have?


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
I wanted to get some of my fears about DS being an only off my chest and see if others could relate or had some insight. I love our family of 3 and can't see changing things -- but here's what worries me.

(1) What if I lose him. Yes, that nagging worst case scenario. I hear stories about people losing kids at age 6, 16, 26. And then NOTHING? I shudder to think.

(2) I know this is selfish but -- I would really love to have a grandkid one day. I think I would be really sad if DS decided not to have a family of his own.

I know these fears are not reasons to have anther child. But if you ever worry about these things -- how do you make yourself push past it?

ETA: I fall into the category of CHOOSING to have only. I am healthy, young (ish), did not have problems TTC, and DS was an easy pregnancy and easy baby FWIW.

I'm glad you have a place to talk about your fears and thoughts of having an only. They are certainly valid and something I think about from time to time, too.

So, I asked my Mom today these "what ifs." She is the Mom of an only (me) and I wondered if she had ever thought about these things.

On death: Pretty much what PP's have said. She miscarried a baby before I was conceived and she grieves the loss of that life. My arrival didn't make that loss any less painful. She felt another child wouldn't change or ease any pain endured if she lost me.

On having grandchildren: This is part of the deal when having an only. As she said, "...well, all your eggs are in one basket!" If your only child decides not to have children, you will have to respect that choice. And, there are no guarantees and 2,3,or 4 kids would have any kids themselves.

She said it's a double edged sword of having an only. On one edge, you can focus all your attention, resources, hopes and dreams on this one precious child. The other edge is....this is it. There's no second go-around at nursing, raising a toddler, watching the 1st day of school etc...

Her dream for me, was to be happy. It never mattered to her if I got married, had kids or anything. My parents supported my choices because they were....mine.


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## boatbaby

Thanks for the replies everyone. It felt good just typing it down and getting it out... even though deep down I know the answers.









Today I had a reminder about the loss aspect. One of my best friends (known her since high school) was killed in May (shot in the head, random shooting in a shopping mall parking lot, wrong place wrong time)
Walking into the funeral with all of our common friends and looking into her mom's eyes was so incredibly painful. I KNEW how difficult it was for her mom to look at the group of us, and not see her daughter walking with us.
So today I got a letter in the mail from her mom, thanking me for supporting her through the tragedy and so on. And the letter made me weep, her pain was SO clear. And she has 3 other children, and you're all right. This woman is WRECKED and has scars that can not be healed and having those other kids doesn't change that.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
Thanks for the replies everyone. It felt good just typing it down and getting it out... even though deep down I know the answers.









Today I had a reminder about the loss aspect. One of my best friends (known her since high school) was killed in May (shot in the head, random shooting in a shopping mall parking lot, wrong place wrong time)
Walking into the funeral with all of our common friends and looking into her mom's eyes was so incredibly painful. I KNEW how difficult it was for her mom to look at the group of us, and not see her daughter walking with us.
So today I got a letter in the mail from her mom, thanking me for supporting her through the tragedy and so on. And the letter made me weep, her pain was SO clear. And she has 3 other children, and you're all right. This woman is WRECKED and has scars that can not be healed and having those other kids doesn't change that.


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## bu's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
...(1) What if I lose him. Yes, that nagging worst case scenario. I hear stories about people losing kids at age 6, 16, 26. And then NOTHING? I shudder to think.

...

I think about this. A lot. Much more than I would like. I try to get past it by living today. Some days this works, some days, well not so good. I can't imagine how devastating the loss of a child is. Honestly, I'm afraid that if I lost my dd I literally could not go on. I tend to think if I had other children, while I would never get over dd, I would have to pull myself together for the other child(ren).

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has these thoughts though.


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## widemouthedfrog

My dd is 26 months. No rude comments yet, just curious ones. Mostly from friends who say, "You're such lovely parents, how 'bout a second?"

I say







:

I tell strangers my health sob story and then people don't tend to comment any more







:


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## Indigo73

Just wanted to say hi, found this thread through another "only" thread. My only is 5 & a half, must not forget the half and he starts kindergarten in a week. He is extremely excited.

We are a family of 3 for medical reasons, but it works quite well for us, although every now and again DS asks for a baby.


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## AntMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
Thanks for the replies everyone. It felt good just typing it down and getting it out... even though deep down I know the answers.









Today I had a reminder about the loss aspect. One of my best friends (known her since high school) was killed in May (shot in the head, random shooting in a shopping mall parking lot, wrong place wrong time)
Walking into the funeral with all of our common friends and looking into her mom's eyes was so incredibly painful. I KNEW how difficult it was for her mom to look at the group of us, and not see her daughter walking with us.
So today I got a letter in the mail from her mom, thanking me for supporting her through the tragedy and so on. And the letter made me weep, her pain was SO clear. And she has 3 other children, and you're all right. This woman is WRECKED and has scars that can not be healed and having those other kids doesn't change that.

How horrible--I am so sorry for her, and for you. Like a pp said, I'm not sure I could go on if anything ever happened to my ds. I too don't think I could hold it together for any other kids, either.

On a more positive note, I hope everyone has fun with their onlies this weekend. I am looking forward to taking mine to see his adoring grandparents.


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## Kayaking Mama

My only and I (and DH) are celebrating my birthday tomorrow, by going out on our little 13-foot boat...It's just big enough for our family of 3! Hope everyone is enjoying the last few weeks of summer!


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## widemouthedfrog

I went to consign our crib today (used for two weeks







), and I was asked why I wouldn't want to keep it for another child.

I said that we'd decided that we were pretty happy with our dd and we were planning to keep her, so we didn't need a new one.







:

Just thought I'd share.


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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
I went to consign our crib today (used for two weeks







), and I was asked why I wouldn't want to keep it for another child.

I said that we'd decided that we were pretty happy with our dd and we were planning to keep her, so we didn't need a new one.







:

Just thought I'd share.









This made me laugh...dh and I have been getting rid of all of our baby stuff as soon as dd outgrows it.







We sold out co-sleeper the minute she grew out of it, and we just gave all my maternity clothes and our leftover newborn stuff to friends who are expecting. I keep wondering if I'll feel a pang of regret when I give something away...but, nope! Having just one is great--it allows you to be very generous.


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## psychmama

I think about the loss issue, too, and it's something that's taboo to talk about IRL. DH got really upset when I mentioned it. I know that another child would in no way make up for the loss of DD, but I guess I feel like having another one would give me a reason to go on. It's not enough of a reason to have another child, but it is something I think about.


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## littletree

I have been on the fence about having another and now I think it's out of the cards. I was just diagnosed with cervical cancer and will most likely be having a hysterchtomy in september. Dd is almost 6 and my fiance(not her dad) wasn't sure about having a baby.
I'm glad to see so many others happy with the idea of having one. She's so nutty that I'd probably lose it with another







:
Thanks mamas!


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littletree* 
I have been on the fence about having another and now I think it's out of the cards. I was just diagnosed with cervical cancer and will most likely be having a hysterchtomy in september.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
This made me laugh...dh and I have been getting rid of all of our baby stuff as soon as dd outgrows it.







We sold out co-sleeper the minute she grew out of it, and we just gave all my maternity clothes and our leftover newborn stuff to friends who are expecting. I keep wondering if I'll feel a pang of regret when I give something away...but, nope! Having just one is great--it allows you to be very generous.









We've done the same thing from the start. eBay much??

Quote:


Originally Posted by *psychmama* 
I think about the loss issue, too, and it's something that's taboo to talk about IRL. DH got really upset when I mentioned it. I know that another child would in no way make up for the loss of DD, but I guess I feel like having another one would give me a reason to go on. It's not enough of a reason to have another child, but it is something I think about.

It's a tough one, isn't it? It's important to talk about these things with our partners...as awful as it is.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littletree* 
I have been on the fence about having another and now I think it's out of the cards. I was just diagnosed with cervical cancer and will most likely be having a hysterchtomy in september. Dd is almost 6 and my fiance(not her dad) wasn't sure about having a baby.
I'm glad to see so many others happy with the idea of having one. She's so nutty that I'd probably lose it with another







:
Thanks mamas!

Oh my. Hugs to you and your family. I think you bring up an interesting issue as it relates to having only children. (Even data from studies separates out onlies by choice vs. onlies by medical/fertility issues)

I sometimes wonder if some people would resent the fact that we *only* want one, when we could have more. Especially, if they can't have a biological child or multiple children.

My DH shared something with me today from his work. He's a financial advisor and was talking to a young couple, they have a 6 month old. They said they wanted 2-3 more kids and were already ready to try for the next. When my DH shared that we were only having one, they were like, "What? Why?" He replied, "I'll show you."

By the time the 6 month old is 18, our local PUBLIC, STATE University is estimated to cost $250,000...on the conservative end.

He said he's getting used to the "Deer in the Headlights" look.







:


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## Juliacat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
I said that we'd decided that we were pretty happy with our dd and we were planning to keep her, so we didn't need a new one.







:









I am TOTALLY using that one on the lady at church who thinks that only children and parents of only children are neurotic, dysfunctional losers.


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## Kayaking Mama

By the time the 6 month old is 18, our local PUBLIC, STATE University is estimated to cost $250,000...on the conservative end.

He said he's getting used to the "Deer in the Headlights" look.







:














[/QUOTE]

Yikes. Gotta hope there's still financial aid in 2025.


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## Juliacat

Well, in all honesty what I see happening is that people will say "to hell with that, I can make more money selling auto parts" and stop going to college, and eventually college costs will drift down.

It's really odd how expensive everything has gotten. When my grandparents were young and raising families, it was exciting for them to think about the things their children (my parents) had that they hadn't. Odd to think that it would go backwards in the next generation.


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## RufusBeans

Hi!

Can I join?
3 yo dd one and only. She is starting Preschool this week.

More later if you'll have me!







:


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## rupiezum

Welcome, RufusBeans!


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
Well, in all honesty what I see happening is that people will say "to hell with that, I can make more money selling auto parts" and stop going to college, and eventually college costs will drift down.

It's really odd how expensive everything has gotten. When my grandparents were young and raising families, it was exciting for them to think about the things their children (my parents) had that they hadn't. Odd to think that it would go backwards in the next generation.

Crazy to think about, isn't it. He says it's more about inflation...that the cost will be relative to what other things cost. I mean, 10 years ago I used to freak out when gas started costing $1.00 a gallon! DH often asks people what they paid for their first car. etc...

It's something to think about, as our goal is to be able to pay for her undergraduate education.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RufusBeans* 
Hi!

Can I join?
3 yo dd one and only. She is starting Preschool this week.

More later if you'll have me!







:

Welcome! Please share (when you can) how the starting of pre-school goes. I'm always interested in these stories, as we begin to think about what to do with our DD. She's just 16 months, but I'm new to all of this and like to learn about all the options.

Has anyone had experiences with Montessori? I've been reading that Forum and find it intruiging.


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## NYCVeg

Dh, dd, and I were at a wedding last night and ran into an old friend from college. We were chatting about dd to her and mentioned that she's a planned only. Friend (who was an only) said, "Don't let anyone tell you that she "needs" siblings. I had a wonderful childhood and I wouldn't have had it any other way."









Question: What is your response when people ask you, "Is s/he your first?"


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
Question: What is your response when people ask you, "Is s/he your first?"


"First and last!"


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## Juliacat

I just say "yes" when people ask if she's my first.


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## Sonnenwende

I am just having one of those days where having a kid is itself the most ingenious form of birth control ever devised. How do people deal with the whining and constant getting into trouble with more than one?







:


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
I just say "yes" when people ask if she's my first.

I often am asked if she's my only child, and I always reply, "Yes, she's my one and only!"


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## Be Here

Hi everyone, I was directed here by caspiansmom from another onlies thread. My dd is 16 and although we were open to more kids, we've been very happy with just the three of us.


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## EnviroBecca

Quote:

It's really odd how expensive everything has gotten. When my grandparents were young and raising families, it was exciting for them to think about the things their children (my parents) had that they hadn't. Odd to think that it would go backwards in the next generation.
Well, you know, one of the causes of that is population growth: When demand goes up and supply (the amount of the resource available) is constant, the price can go up. Things other than population growth increase demand, but it definitely is one factor. And then there's the fact that things can't just keep growing forever: If each generation has more than the last, eventually there's not much new stuff left to get, and supplies of some things are dwindling because they were used so freely by previous generations.

BUT:
Not everything is more expensive than it used to be. Look at a Sears catalog, say, from 25 or 30 years ago. Telephones are way less expensive. So are digital clocks. Computers cost about the same for thousands of times more computing power! That's if you compare dollar for dollar; if you think about inflation, today's prices for electronics are even more amazing.

And that's something to acknowledge when you think about what your kids will have that you didn't: amazing technology!! I mean, it has its downsides, but overall it adds a lot of convenience and interesting stuff to our daily lives.

Quote:

And she has 3 other children, and you're all right. This woman is WRECKED and has scars that can not be healed and having those other kids doesn't change that.















My childhood best friend's teenaged sister was killed in a car accident when we were 4. Her parents, especially her mother, were devastated. It took them about 10 years to seem even moderately recovered. That meant that my friend's whole childhood was shadowed by her parents' sadness, in addition to her own grief at the loss of her adored big sister. I went to see her parents when I was visiting mine a few months ago, and I think that NOW they're much happier having another child still alive, having grandchildren, etc...but when she was a child it was hard for them to grieve and care for her simultaneously, and when she was a teenager she was very conscious of pressure to be just like her sister and do everything her sister would have done, which led to some serious rebellion and a rocky relationship with her mom for a while there.


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## widemouthedfrog

Welcomes to everyone! I've got to run over and cast my vote for an onlies forum.

RufusBeans, do you have diabetes? There's a ribbon in your siggie.

Regarding onlies by choice versus medical necessity:
I have Type 1 diabetes and it would be challenging to have another child. But I could have one. But no, I don't feel annoyed by those who could easily have another child but choose not to do so. I feel happy for them. I think that people should not feel that they NEED to have more children to satisfy some sort of social norm. I'd love a world where children are dearly wanted, not made because of pressure from the in-laws!







: I also completely support people who choose NOT to have children. More power to them! Better for the environment...better to not make new people just because you feel you "have to".

I hope that doesn't come across as too harsh!


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## katheek77

This is a bit OT, but you guys know me here, and I posted in the prenancy loss forum, and no one seemed to care, so, I'm posting here...I don't know. A big ramble.

Condensed version. Found out Sat. I'm pregnant. Somehow, even with bc, I'm pregnant. Suspected for a few weeks. Dig. test confirmed it. Not good news. Very bad news, in fact. DH and I didn't know what we were going to do. Started bleeding, cramping, etc. went to doc Mon. morning. Did the beta hcg. Doc says numbers are so low I was "never pregnant" (which is not true, and has me pissed off...symptoms, pos. test (who ever gets a false positive???)...

Anyway, I know I miscarried, and we didn't want the baby, but I'm so upset, and I feel so guilty because we didn't want another baby, and I was so selfish, and I feel even worse because there's this sense of relief at the same time. And I feel so guilty about that. Please tell me someone else has gone through something like this...the sense of relief or whatever that we didn't have to make a decision...and that it doesn't make me a horrible person...I keep breaking down for no reason at all...


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## EnviroBecca

I bet I'd feel just the same way if that happened to me! I think your feelings are very understandable and probably intensified by the hormonal disruption. With so much of society saying you "just have to" have at least two children, of course you feel guilty and selfish at times, even as you know what's really best for you. You are not a horrible person!


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## Coco_Hikes

First of all, lots of







, katheek77!

I can imagine I'd feel similarly in this position. And I will tell you that I do have daymares about finding myself in this situation (just ask my husband, who's a little lonely these days







). YOU ARE NOT a horrible person! And being honest about your family not wanting to add another child doesn't make your family selfish, IMHO. I'm not sure why us mamas of onlies get saddled with the double burdens of feeling selfish and guilty for knowing we want only one child, but we all struggle with it!









As EnviroBecca replied, your hormones are likely in a swirl right now. Miscarriage is still a loss, even if the pregnancy wasn't wanted. So complicated!! If you can, think positively about feeling relieved that you didn't have to make a decision--try to take comfort that nature made it for you.


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## rupiezum

It's completely normal and okay to feel the way you're feeling right now. There is nothing selfish about it. I remember DH saying, before the big V, that if we accidentally got pregnant with #2 he'd welcome the baby with open arms, but that he absolutely did not want a second child. It's not contradictory, it's being honest about how you're feeling. Just because you didn't want a second child doesn't mean you don't have the right to grieve this miscarriage, nor does it mean you're a terrible person for not wanting that second child.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
This is a bit OT, but you guys know me here, and I posted in the prenancy loss forum, and no one seemed to care, so, I'm posting here...I don't know. A big ramble.

Condensed version. Found out Sat. I'm pregnant. Somehow, even with bc, I'm pregnant. Suspected for a few weeks. Dig. test confirmed it. Not good news. Very bad news, in fact. DH and I didn't know what we were going to do. Started bleeding, cramping, etc. went to doc Mon. morning. Did the beta hcg. Doc says numbers are so low I was "never pregnant" (which is not true, and has me pissed off...symptoms, pos. test (who ever gets a false positive???)...

Anyway, I know I miscarried, and we didn't want the baby, but I'm so upset, and I feel so guilty because we didn't want another baby, and I was so selfish, and I feel even worse because there's this sense of relief at the same time. And I feel so guilty about that. Please tell me someone else has gone through something like this...the sense of relief or whatever that we didn't have to make a decision...and that it doesn't make me a horrible person...I keep breaking down for no reason at all...

Having just read your other post, I'm sure you were pregnant. The technology of pregnancy tests has advanced to the point of detecting pregnancy very, very early. In the past, women would have chalked it up to a heavy/bad period. But, you *knew* you were pregnant AND had a sensitive test confirm this. And, yes hcg levels fall rapidly.

You have every right to feel all these things. Let yourself flow through each one and experience it. I'm sure many women here, have been through similar.....

Guilt=you did something wrong. You did nothing wrong...your body and mind are just figuring out how to work through this. It's a process.

Your last sentences remind me of something. I went through counseling for guilt and grief issues with the passing of my father. He was so important to me and I never got to say goodbye, due to his sudden death. Yet, I felt relief at not having to go through a long hospital stay. Or worse. How could I feel relief? Why didn't I do anything when I thought he might be sick? Lots and lots of "what ifs."

The counseling helped me learn about the grief process. It will happen at it's own pace for you. As I said, go through it. Embrace the difficult feelings. Talk with your partner about yours and his feelings. Get inside your car and scream for 2 minutes....whatever works for you.

Please keep updating and writing out your feelings. PM me if you need.


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## bri276

Kathee, when I was 19 I had an unwanted, unplanned pregnancy and laid in bed one night wishing for a miscarriage- sure enough, at a 12 week u/s it was shown that the baby stopped developing at 9 wks. I felt a bit guilty, like I had willed it to be so, but at the time I really was relieved. Now looking back, I feel strongly that baby was a boy and sometimes wish I could have had that baby AND my dd. So it's weird how feelings change over time. but one way or another, the choice was made for us. I had a second miscarriage years later of a baby that I REALLY wanted, and I was devastated, much different feeling.

Most often I feel dd will be an only, but once in a while the thought creeps in that I'd like to adopt in 5-10 yrs. I've read books and so forth on adoption but I'm just not sure about really wanting to make the sacrifice to have another child- I WANT to go back to work and get my life back on track. When dd was born with special needs it sort of threw a huge monkey wrench in our "plans" and after two years, I finally feel like I have my mental and emotional health back to normal, mostly. Now I want to work towards those original goals of buying a house, restarting my career, possibly going to school again.... I think I need to on top of all that if I decided to have another child, rather than just having/adopting another and then trying to do it all.


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coco_Hikes* 
First of all, lots of







, katheek77!

I can imagine I'd feel similarly in this position. And I will tell you that I do have daymares about finding myself in this situation (just ask my husband, who's a little lonely these days







). YOU ARE NOT a horrible person! And being honest about your family not wanting to add another child doesn't make your family selfish, IMHO. I'm not sure why us mamas of onlies get saddled with the double burdens of feeling selfish and guilty for knowing we want only one child, but we all struggle with it!









As EnviroBecca replied, your hormones are likely in a swirl right now. Miscarriage is still a loss, even if the pregnancy wasn't wanted. So complicated!! If you can, think positively about feeling relieved that you didn't have to make a decision--try to take comfort that nature made it for you.

That's what I was going to say. Big Hugs to you, Katheek77. With things as huge as life and death, I don't think we can ever have "pure" unmuddled feelings. And, FWIW, I too would have felt the same way. Exactly the same, no doubt about it.


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## Kayaking Mama

Katheek77, just wanted to wish you peace. I can't say that I can imagine how you feel, but I can guess that in the same situation, I'd have similar conflicted feelings. Go easy on yourself!


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## jessma

Haven't had a chance to read through the entire thread yet, but just wanted to say "hi!" DH and I were just blessed withour first DC, our son Lennox. We are really leaning towards an only, but I'm a bit scared of the stereotypes. But, we waited a long time to have him (by choice) and I really feel like one just fits into our lives the best. Plus, since I'm already 36, I don't want to push my bio-luck. So, I'm really looking forward to seeing what everyone has to say, and getting to know you better.


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## rupiezum

Welcome, jessma! Most of the stereotypes have been proven to be just that, stereotypes.


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## mom2savannah_grace

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
I just saw an add on TV for some form of female sterilization. It is permanent and takes a few months to work. Apparently, they go through the vaginal canal, so there is no incision.

www.essure.com

It looks kind-of creepy to me. I wonder what the side-effects would be of blocking the fallopian tubes? Oh well, I would definitely have to do a lot of research on this one. But, I thought of it when you posted.










I just found this tribe and I am responding to this post before I forget. When I am done reading I'll give a full intro.

Anyway, I had this procedure done at the beginning of April and got the all clear in July. The non-surgical aspect was what was appealling to me. I had twilight anesthesia (not by choice) for the procedure, so I don't remember anything about it. I went in at 7 am and was walking out the door at 9:15 am. I was back at work the next day with minimal cramps. If anyone has more specific questions, I'll be more than happy to answer them.

I chose to be sterilized because I am the one who doesn't want anymore children. Dh supports my choice and reasons for it, but I know he would like more children. I thought that just in case I was no longer in the picture (death or divorce) dh could still have children with someone else. If he was no longer in the picture, I would still not want any more children.

Off to finish reading the rest of the thread, and then I'll be back to share my joys and doubts about having an only.


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## mom2savannah_grace

First I want to give {{hugs}} to Katheek77!!

So I have a dd who will be 5 in just three short weeks and started Kindergarten this past week. I was a bit sad knowing I would never go through a first day of K again, but yet happy for this next stage of life with my dd.

Dd is an only mostly by choice. I had difficulty getting pg with her and we did try briefly when she was around 2, but I think it was due more to the societal pressure of having more than one more than the desire to have another. We obviously weren't successful TTC another and I was actually relieved by that, so that's when I knew I was done having children. As noted in my previous post, I made it permanent earlier this year and have not a single regret about it.

I realized a long time ago that I was not cut out to be a SAHM, but agreed to do so because we felt it was best for dd. I went back to work PT last year while dd was in preschool and just started FT this year since she is in all day K. I have been so happy being back at work and I think it has made me a better mom. I don't think I could handle being a SAHM again if I had another child, yet I don't think I could handle the guilt of not providing the same start to another child's life that I gave to dd.

Most of my family seems to be pretty understanding about dd being an only, so that has helped. My mom is finally getting used to the idea, but she struggles with it because the two onlies she knows that are now adults (her neice and her partner's son) are both a mess. However, I think that is also due to their upbringings and not due to the fact they are onlies.

Glad to have found this tribe and will have to remember to check in on it. Dd and I are off to our town's carnival.


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## loitering

Ooh, I'm also joining! (and subbing)

I haven't read much yet either, but here's my situation. I'm 20 yo with a 16mo and I've been single since just after I got pregnant.

Now I love my life, love my son, and honestly can't imagine having two small children at once. And the baby-obsession I used to have before I had ds is completely gone now. I would much rather spend time with him than anyone else's baby!

BUT, I do want to have another child in about ten years. This is a wild guess, but I figure I'll meet the love of my life someday and I will probably want another child. And I'd still be young enough that I'd have the house to myself when I'm 55 or whatever. So my son is going to be an only for quite a long time, but eventually I want to do this whole crazy thing again







Probably. hehe

I can't wait to read more!


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## EnviroBecca

Tiffany, I've seen a few moms around the boards who have "two onlies" i.e. kids born >10 years apart. I have known a few families like that myself and get the impression that the kids get almost all the advantages of being an only plus some of the benefits of having a sibling.


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## Juliacat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2savannah_grace* 
I chose to be sterilized because I am the one who doesn't want anymore children.

That makes a lot of sense to me. I'm glad you were able to find a non-surgical procedure for it.

Quote:

I don't think I could handle being a SAHM again if I had another child, yet I don't think I could handle the guilt of not providing the same start to another child's life that I gave to dd.
Yeah, I can understand that, too.

Quote:

I've seen a few moms around the boards who have "two onlies" i.e. kids born >10 years apart. I have known a few families like that myself and get the impression that the kids get almost all the advantages of being an only plus some of the benefits of having a sibling.
That makes me happy--since it's also a possibility for our family.


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## Juliacat

Oh, also, Savannah Grace was born on my wedding day. Wonderful day!


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## Kayaking Mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca* 
Tiffany, I've seen a few moms around the boards who have "two onlies" i.e. kids born >10 years apart. I have known a few families like that myself and get the impression that the kids get almost all the advantages of being an only plus some of the benefits of having a sibling.









I'm one of those--my brother is 9 years younger than I am. I think of myself more as an only since I was one for so long. My brother and I were not especially close growing up--I left for college when he was 9, so I missed most of his growing up. I don't know if I'd say we're close now--we don't fight, but we don't really talk a lot either. He lives a few hours away, and we see each other several times a year. We've actually gotten closer since my son was born.


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## mom2savannah_grace

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
Oh, also, Savannah Grace was born on my wedding day. Wonderful day!











Congratulations on 5 years of marriage!


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## lisalou

My mother is technically the daughter of a woman who had two onlies. I don't think she felt like an only once her sister was born when she was 10. But her life changed pretty drastically with it, my grandfather who had been in the air force retired at the same time and took more of an interest in raising children especially my aunt.

I worry too about what would happen if something happened to dd. But it never crossed my mind to have another child as backup. DH and I were talking about this and we both realized that we kind of feel sorry for younger children whose purpose may be to be a back up plan or keep their older sibling company or make sure the older sibling isn't alone when the parents die, etc. I know that's not the entire reason why people have more than one children but I could never actually say to someone who was arguing with me about having an only something along these lines. But I can say it here, right?







:

I do have a question now that dd has started school and she's made one friend who is there on Tues and Thurs but now 3 days into the start of school hasn't made any friends for the other 3 days of the week. And I know I'm overreacting and worrying too much and who cares if she makes friends as long as she's happy. But my question is do you think you worry or overanalyze your child more when you only have one than a parent who has 2 or 3? And any tips on stopping oneself from overworrying would be appreciated. Esp from my dh who would like to not be the only one to stop me from going over the deep end.


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## Maluhia

: I'm Mama to a 2 1/2 year old DD who was a planned only. We got pregnant easily and probably could again but we wanted the small family we have esp. with DP in the military and all the moving.

I've got a lot of the same rants but I've just come to peace with other's opinions being theirs and not important to me or DD. She's social and sweet and starts preschool next month which I know she'll love and I'll keep busy for those four hours each day.

I think we stop stressing about our children in general when we stop comparing them - onlies to onlies, onlies to siblings, etc. We know our child is an individual just like siblings are not the same and comparing just leaves us Moms feeling uncertain. It's like birth - trust yourself - you know when something is right or wrong and your DC does too


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## caspian's mama

i think it's natural as parents to worry about the kids, sometimes even to the point of obsession. i know it's one of my personality traits too, so i just have to learn to live with it. i used to be really bad when he was younger, but as time has gone by i've loosened the reins a bit. sometimes i worry if i'm making the right decisions (mostly when i'm letting my family's mainstream ideas seep in), but i'd rather be wondering how to get him to stop cutting up every sheet in the house (don't ask) than how to get him to stop beating the sh*t out of his sibling.

oh, and lisalou, i love your location.







how's that coming along, btw? i haven't heard much about it recently. (i'm in maine. kinda makes us hick cousins.)


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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2savannah_grace*

I realized a long time ago that I was not cut out to be a SAHM, but agreed to do so because we felt it was best for dd. I went back to work PT last year while dd was in preschool and just started FT this year since she is in all day K. I have been so happy being back at work and I think it has made me a better mom. I don't think I could handle being a SAHM again if I had another child, yet I don't think I could handle the guilt of not providing the same start to another child's life that I gave to dd.

I so, so, so hear you on this. Actually, I'm not cut out to be a WOHM either.







I'm a grad student, working on a dissertation, planning a career either in academia or writing. I work on my dissertation piecemeal, and find it so frustrating. I just want to have the kind of time and sustained mental energy I need to get it done. But I also feel very strongly about staying home with dd (and since she has a dozen serious food allergies, outside care is too anxiety-producing right now). I could NEVER do this again, but I would not be comfortable having another child if I wasn't willing to, if that makes sense.


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## EnviroBecca

Quote:

do you think you worry or overanalyze your child more when you only have one than a parent who has 2 or 3?
Maybe not compared to a parent of 2 or 3, but definitely compared to parents of many. (Of course, there are exceptions to everything: My grandma had 5 children and 8 grandchildren and was deeply involved with every one of us...not worry so much as lots of analysis and observation and trying to encourage the good and help with the bad in exactly the right way for each individual.







) I've known many parents of 5 or more who speak of their kids as a mass and don't seem to give much thought to their individual needs, who are putting so much energy into keeping the kids fed and clean and schooled that they don't have time to really focus on the kids' feelings or experiences. There are parents of 2 or 3 who are like that, too, but I don't see it as such a consistent pattern. I have one sibling, and by comparison to friends who have many siblings, I think my parents were much more focused on and worried about me...sometimes too much, but usually it was helpful.

I tend to worry about and overanalyze everything. I find that trying just to quit that is useless. What works for me is diverting my fretting from issues that are baffling me (either I don't understand what's wrong, or all my attempts to budge the problem have failed) to other issues that I haven't fretted on yet--kind of like setting down the knot that won't come undone and picking at a different knot for a while, instead of trying to stop thinking about the fact that my rope is tangled!

For your specific situation, Lisalou, I'd set aside the issue of making friends and analyze other parts of your daughter's school experience. Does she like the teachers? Does she like things she's doing in school? Is she learning stuff? etc.


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## lisalou

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca* 
For your specific situation, Lisalou, I'd set aside the issue of making friends and analyze other parts of your daughter's school experience. Does she like the teachers? Does she like things she's doing in school? Is she learning stuff? etc.

She loves the school. And even after saying some kid ran away from her yesterday she said she had a good day and likes school. I know part of it is also my own introvert issues and my suspicions that dd is an introvert as well. I was labeled with having socialization problems as a child not disruptive behaviour but just I spent too much time by myself. I worry that dd will have to go through that if she continues to not need to socialize with other kids.

I have wondered if her ease in making friends with adults and not as much with peers is a function of being an only. I'm glad her Tues/Thurs friend seems so bent on making dd her friend. When I get too worried about her making friends I try to focus on the idea that if she's happy with herself it will be easier for her to avoid the problems that peer pressure can sometimes present.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca* 
I've known many parents of 5 or more who speak of their kids as a mass and don't seem to give much thought to their individual needs, who are putting so much energy into keeping the kids fed and clean and schooled that they don't have time to really focus on the kids' feelings or experiences. There are parents of 2 or 3 who are like that, too, but I don't see it as such a consistent pattern. I have one sibling, and by comparison to friends who have many siblings, I think my parents were much more focused on and worried about me...sometimes too much, but usually it was helpful.

I've seen similar things. Heck my own parents considered me the easy child and my sister the child they needed to spend extra time worrying about. DD will get the benefits of being the easy child and the one I worry about.


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## cupofjojo

Hi Folks:

Sorry it has been SOOOOOOO Long since posting. Our summer has been quite frantic. I ruptured an ear drum and was down a long time with that and each time I tried getting on the computer would get dizzy. Then had an unexpected trip back to PA to say my goodbyes to my dad. He's 88 and had unexpected heart problems. It was a great visit so if something happens between now and our next plan visit, I'll know I got to see him one last time.

Anyway we are beginning a homeschool adventure with DS and so far so good.

Can't wait to get caught up.


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## avaylee

Subbing to this thread...

My DD is 5 months old and we were fairly certain before we got pregnant that she would be an only. My DH has a sibling, but they had a horrible relationship growing up. My sister and I are 9 years apart, so we're basically two onlies.

While we have yet to make the permanent decision to have DD be an only, I honestly cannot fathom how people have more than one most days. I love being able to devote my energy to just one, and being able to focus attention on my house, my marriage, my self when she is sleeping or otherwise entertained. In addition, I've very aware of the environmental impact each of us makes on this planet, and that affected our decision about having two or one.

Now to catch up on the rest of the thread.


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## earthgirl

Hello, just a quick intro. I am an only raising an only. My DD is almost 10 mos and we decided on the size of our family before I ever got pregnant. I'm glad to have found this thread!


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## xelakann

Phew, I just read through the 18 pages of this thread... I am so glad I found it.
I am 30 weeks pregnant with my first and only.

When my DH and I were first together we weren't sure we even wanted one... which oddly enough no one seemed to hassle us about... then about two years ago we started talking about having one, this last summer decided that we try for one this January... well it happened and now he's almost here. It's funny though, people always assume we are having more, and I was shocked to hear people's responses when we said we only wanted one. No one cared when we didn't want any, but SO many people have pushy opinions about us only wanting one.

Again, it is so nice to find people who feel the same way, I was feeling really alone. I now don't even tell people about us only wanting one... I usually change the subject when it comes up.

So Hi everyone!

BTW I am getting that book "Maybe One" from the library, I can't wait to read it... thanks for the suggestion!

~Kimberly


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## bjorker

I know I've posted on a thread like this at some point, not sure it was this one exactly, but I thought I'd say hi again.









I've only ever wanted one child. I suppose that I could "oops" an have another, and I'm not 100% opposed to that, but I highly doubt that I would plan for any more. I like the idea of giving one child all my attention, and I think I can give more of myself to one child. I get overwhelmed rather easily, and value my personal time, and I don't want that to interfere with raising a child in the way that I want to and find important. I think I would be a much better mama to one child, rather than to two or more. And really, I'm glad that I recognise that.

The one thing that saddens me is dd potentially missing out on the closeness that other siblings can provide eachother. My half-sisters are much older than me, so I didn't exactly have that growing up. i also have step-brothers that I only saw part of the time. So that's not exactly something that I've had in my life. But DP... he is very close to his siblings. They don't even live near eachother or talk very often, but there's something very special that they share. I'm almost jealous of it, really. So I feel a little guilty about that part... in that dd would miss out on that. Not that it even always happens that way. Some siblings hate eachother. But the potential is there... and by having no other children, there is no potential. At the same time, I am a firm believer in intentional familes... so not having another biological child doesn't necessarily mean that there would be no potential for closeness in another person that you treat as family. If that makes any sense.

I am lucky in that nobody has pressured me or asked me about having another. However, I'm also pretty young still, so that's probably part of the reason why. I fully recognise that I might change my mind about only having one child, and that's okay, but for now... I am happy this way. And I feel that our family is whole.


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## Juliacat

Dragged us out to the playground today, where all the kids were in pairs.

Me, to another mom: Which one is yours?
Other mom: Those two.
Me: How old are they?
Other mom: Three and a half and five.
Me: Oh, do they play together?
Other mom: No, they have an adversarial relationship.

Maybe I can be friends with her since she's not telling me I have to have another one so they can play together!


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## katheek77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
Dragged us out to the playground today, where all the kids were in pairs.

Me, to another mom: Which one is yours?
Other mom: Those two.
Me: How old are they?
Other mom: Three and a half and five.
Me: Oh, do they play together?
Other mom: No, they have an adversarial relationship.

Maybe I can be friends with her since she's not telling me I have to have another one so they can play together!










When I nannied, I used to bring the girl I watched and one of her slightly younger, but much smaller, friends to the park all the time. I'd always get, "How old are yours", and I'd go, "Well, this one's mine and she's X months, that one's my nanny charge, and she's 5, and that other one's a friend and she's 4." They were all dark-haired, and an "appropriate" spacing (by society's terms), so, I guess they just naturally assumed we all went together.

The best was when I was pregnant and nannying for a family with three under five...I used to get a lot of incredulous looks at my belly, then the three I had with me, followed with an "Are they ALL yours???"

Thankfully, no.

I did have a positive about my DD being an only at a mother's meeting the other day...from a woman who has four children...she, though, was an only and thought it was great that I was having only one...she seemed almost wistful....


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## katheek77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bjorker* 
Some siblings hate eachother. But the potential is there... and by having no other children, there is no potential. At the same time, I am a firm believer in intentional familes... so not having another biological child doesn't necessarily mean that there would be no potential for closeness in another person that you treat as family. If that makes any sense.

.

My sister and I are 2 years, 7 mos apart. We barely have a cordial relationship, and that's only in the past 5 years. We just have completely different personalities, had different life goals, and ran with different crowds (I'm a self-admitted nerd, over-achiever, (think "math team" and "newspaper"















, and she ran with the slacker, druggie crowd).

I know lots of people who have GREAT relationships with their siblings...my college roommate and her sister (4years apart) are totally tight. My college suitemate and her brothers (2 and 4 years apart) are also completely tight. But, I'm not willing to have another child in the HOPES that my daughter will close with a sibling...it could go the exact opposite way, and that's just a terrible burden (from my experience) to have to go through. And, yes, it's colored by my personal experiences, but, still....

If I could predict the future, and I knew my DD would have a positive relationship with her sibling, regardless of what I went through (I had a lot of trouble with DD's first year), I'd be willing to do it...but, with the unknown, the possibility of it being horrible all around (and I know people who have it that way...waaaaay beyond the "issues" I have with my sister)...uh-uh, not for me.


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## Juliacat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
If I could predict the future, and I knew my DD would have a positive relationship with her sibling, regardless of what I went through (I had a lot of trouble with DD's first year), I'd be willing to do it...but, with the unknown, the possibility of it being horrible all around (and I know people who have it that way...waaaaay beyond the "issues" I have with my sister)...uh-uh, not for me.

Do you and your sister have good relationships with your parents? That would be another issue for me.

My #1 reason for not wanting another kid is my own sanity, and my #2 reason is global warming. Both of those are big, important issues to me. But it doesn't stop me from feeling sad that I'm intentionally doing to my kid what my parents unintentionally did to me--I _was_ kind of lonely, as an only child...but then, isn't EVERYONE lonely sometimes? And now I have dh and some close friends, so I'm not lonely any more, although taking care of my parents was a big responsibility before my dad died and will be again in a few years when my mom stops functioning.

Just rambling this morning....


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## NYCVeg

Just wanted to add another anecdote. I was at the dentist the other day, w/ dd, chatting with the hygenist, who has 2 little girls. She asked if we were going to have any more, and I said, no, she's a planned only. She told me about that she loves both her kids, but said, "I was just such a better mother when I only had one. I spent so much time just talking to her and playing with her. Now it seems like I barely have any time for dd2 and I spend so much time yelling." I think there are many moms who are able to handle 2 or 3 (or 10) with grace and patience, but I know that I, personally, would be a much worse mom if I was trying to cope with 2+ (heck, I can barely cope with 1!).


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## katheek77

bump!


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## b|ue_Ash

Single child here and she will REMAIN an only child!

She thinks she's a spoil brat, she sure has the complex. No idea where she got it from.


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## sapphos

Glad to have found this thread. I was a confirmed "never gonna get married and have kids" for a long time. Then I met DH and 3 years later we had our daughter (this past December) just 2 months after I turned 40. Now I've thought several times about having one more but since I plan to exbf for as long as she wants, I'm not sure it will be possible since the time is a ticking








: I turn 41 in just 2 weeks.

Now that I've begun to really enjoy our dd, I want to make sure to cherish eveyr moment in case she is the only one, i don't want to be rushing away the time just to look back and say s*** I lost all that time trying to make another one.







:
anyone else in the same boat?


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## beatrixmum

Hi. We've always known we only wanted one. Three is so cozy, don't you think? DH and I each have a sibling and although we love them, they aren't really part of our lives. We feel much closer to our good friends, you know, the family we chose. I know this (having one child) is the right choice for us. I hope we're making the right decision for DD. DH is taking his vasectomy class soon.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beatrixmum* 
Hi. We've always known we only wanted one. Three is so cozy, don't you think? DH and I each have a sibling and although we love them, they aren't really part of our lives. We feel much closer to our good friends, you know, the family we chose. I know this (having one child) is the right choice for us. I hope we're making the right decision for DD. DH is taking his vasectomy class soon.

I love the "cozy" analogy. And, ITA. We are just starting to really think about the big v. It's a big decision. If something happened to me, I would want him to move on and find someone. What if she wants children of their own? He laughs when I bring this up...

Just wanting to check in with the mamas/parents of onlies. DD is 17 months and the only thing that "gets" me is looking at her baby pictures. DD wants to look at the pics about 5 times a day, especially before bed. They are on our computer and I put it on slideshow to view. I sometimes get weepy looking at the pics of her as a newborn. I know I will never get to see that again. She changes everyday, getting further and further away from the "baby" I held, rocked and comforted.

It's so weird...being so sure I want just one, but a strange longing to do to all over again. (But not really) Do you know what I mean?

I would do many things differently.

Oh well. I'm just enjoying this stage. Pure toddlerhood. Constant movement, exploration, frustration and joy. We go from hysterical laughter to crying in seconds.

Thanks for reading my vent.


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## yentroc

thanks devster4fun for posting that... it caused me to de-lurk.

I've been reading this thread because I'm positively schizophrenic lately about deciding whether or not to have another dc. Most days I'm really sure that dd will be our one and only but then some days I'm convinced that I want another.

I feel deep down that I really want one child for many of the reasons that were discussed here, but have yet to completely make peace with the thought of only having my dd. Its really when I think of never being pregnant again, never holding my newborn again (even though it was a difficult time for me)... it's the stuff I'd like to do over. It's that "strange longing" that you mentioned devster4fun, that's what gets me!

Thanks you all for sharing your thoughts, and letting me share mine. This has been constantly on my mind lately (probably the timing... dd is 2 1/2, not a baby anymore) and weighing a little heavily on me.


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## woaters

Glad to find so many moms of onlies! DS is almost 5. He is the light of my life. For us, it is medically impossible for me to conceive again. It blows my mind how many people feel they have a right to tell me I should give him a sibling.







:
They shut up pretty quickly when I tell them I cannot.

I have a feeling we would have stopped after DS anyway......but why oh why do people feel we are WRONG to have one??

I look forward to reading all your posts!


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## earthgirl

Funny you mention the baby pics. I can really get to romanticizing about those first weeks when I look at pics. Then I remember that there were days where I just cried b/c all I wanted to do was put her down for 10 minutes so I could shower. And the neverending sleep issues! I'm really looking forward to when DD can sleep through the night. Why you would finally get sleep and then decide to do it all over again is beyond me! I will say that I had a wonderful pregnancy and delivery. I always tell DH I wish I could do just that part again.


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## catscharm74

DS is going to be our one and only. He is 18 months old and I am just now finally getting to take showers DAILY and get some sort of sleep. I also had a lot of problems during and still, after my pregnancy. We are getting the pressure already to have another one and someone called me selfish for not having another one. I am only 3 years apart from my sis and once I was about 9, she didn't want anything to do with me. Still doesn't!! That is not our only reason, but we 3 are very free and happy!!!

DS is quite the little socializer so I am not worried about his mental health as far as making friends or learning how to share, sympathize, etc.


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cortneydc* 
thanks devster4fun for posting that... it caused me to de-lurk.

I've been reading this thread because I'm positively schizophrenic lately about deciding whether or not to have another dc. Most days I'm really sure that dd will be our one and only but then some days I'm convinced that I want another.

I feel deep down that I really want one child for many of the reasons that were discussed here, but have yet to completely make peace with the thought of only having my dd. Its really when I think of never being pregnant again, never holding my newborn again (even though it was a difficult time for me)... it's the stuff I'd like to do over. It's that "strange longing" that you mentioned devster4fun, that's what gets me!

Thanks you all for sharing your thoughts, and letting me share mine. This has been constantly on my mind lately (probably the timing... dd is 2 1/2, not a baby anymore) and weighing a little heavily on me.

This is how I've been feeling lately too. Some of our friends are having babies (mostly second babies by now) and while a large part of me feels like the three of us have finally found our groove and that that's a nice place to be, I get kind of wistful thinking that I may never again be pregnant or hold a newborn. DD is soooo sweet to the other (younger) little girl our babysitter takes care of, and when I see that I think, "Hmmm..... what if....?" Then I remind myself that reality isn't like that. DD would likely be pretty darn jealous of a new baby, and there would inevitably be fighting and crying almost every day. Still, it's hard to know if you're ever really sure, KWIM?


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## katheek77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
This is how I've been feeling lately too. Some of our friends are having babies (mostly second babies by now) and while a large part of me feels like the three of us have finally found our groove and that that's a nice place to be, I get kind of wistful thinking that I may never again be pregnant or hold a newborn. DD is soooo sweet to the other (younger) little girl our babysitter takes care of, and when I see that I think, "Hmmm..... what if....?" Then I remind myself that reality isn't like that. DD would likely be pretty darn jealous of a new baby, and there would inevitably be fighting and crying almost every day. Still, it's hard to know if you're ever really sure, KWIM?

My college roommate just had her first 2 days ago. I asked DH if he was *sure* he only wanted one, and wouldn't it be nice to have another, and we could do everything "right".

He laughed, and then reminded me 1) you don't outgrow tubular breasts and suddenly become able to exclusively breastfeed the second time around 2) an easy first pregnacy/birth doesn't guarantee a similar second and 3) (most importantly) that Katie was *easy* and it "almost destroyed our marriage".

That was enough to sober me up. If we had two, we'd end up killing someone. Neither of us are close to siblings, so, it's not like the presence of another means she'd have a "built-in friend", even though she gets along well (for her age) with other children. All it means is we need to keep her involved with other children, whether related or not.


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## hannahgrace

Ooh, I want to join. We have an only child - our wonderful 2.5 year old daugther. Honestly, I wanted a lot more. But, we believe that God has a unique plan for us. We can't have anymore - barring a miracle due to a testicular torsion my husband had about a year ago. One day we may adopt, but for now, that is a far way away.

I do get the vibe a lot that having an only child makes you "less of" a parent or family. It stinks, but honestly, you do have a lot more freedom than families with more kids. Its easier to travel (which we do a lot of), easier to stay out late, and so much more. Though I think we will adopt one day, my mind has wrapped aroudn the thought that my daughter is an only child, and I am okay with that. (Most of the time!)


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## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *catscharm74* 
We are getting the pressure already to have another one and someone called me selfish for not having another one.

hmm... that's strange. what if you were to just keep having as many kids as you have eggs, despite the toll it would take on the environment? that sounds a whole lot more selfish to me. and what about having another kid just to keep your dc company or just because you want a child of a different gender, especially if you don't have the emotional / financial / etc resources to raise a second child? again, that (to me) is the height of selfishness.







:


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## Meg Murry.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cupofjojo* 
We have been blessed to have our 3 1/2 year old DS but conceiving more children are not in the cards for us.

I hoped to find others who are in the same boat.

There is so much outside pressure to adopt, try every drug under the sun, and . DH and I are at the point where we know only one is all we are to have.

Those of you with one know what I mean. I also find sometimes the issues that we face are a little different than those with 2 or more children. A child who does not have to share toys regularly with a sibling, who does not have to share attention of mom and dad with anyone else, and the concerns of making sure they are not overly spoiled







.

I find it hard when sharing to parents of multiple children. So I'd like to connect with some in my same boat.

We LOVE having one child.

For one thing, here's something no ethical parent of multiple children can say to their child:
WE LOVE YOU THE BEST.


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## Meg Murry.

_I also feel bad because I tend to lack empathy with some of my friends who have chosen to have more children and then complain about how hard or difficult it is._

Me too. On one of our last conversations together, a former friend was bemoaning her wretched existence as a SAHM whose husband makes ample money. She sends DD #1 to daycare and stays at home with DD#2. She does absolutely no housework that I can see and then complains about how rotten her life was and how much stress kids are and how she's in the house with them all day and anytime she goes anywhere, she has to take them. Finally, I said something to the effect of, "What did you think was _going_ to happen when you actively sought to get pregnant with #1 and #2?"

Um. We're not friends anymore.


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## chanibell

lol Meg. I call my ds Number 1 Son!

A little background...oh and hello everyone! I am usually in the MHM threads lol

We spent about 2 yrs trying to adopt. We adopted from Russia and we feel like 3 is right for us for many reasons mentioned here on this thread.

Recently we were faced with possibly adopting my cousin's 5 kids. She's 30,her dh is 55 and both are DD.

Her mom ( my aunt) came and took care of them for the past yr,but at 63 she cannot do it.

Its a long story,but we were asked if we could take one child and darn it I wanted to with my heart,but my dh made me sit back and really think about what would happen to the dynamics of our family.

We really LOVE being a parent to one. One just fits us. We like to travel,we all have our passports and we can give our son 100% of ourselves.

Its really hard and I feel terrible for my cousins kids,but they are going to be going to some good homes.

Ok well I will be popping in more often!

cheers.


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## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zoe21* 
I have a close friend who had to do years of IVF before having a baby, and she's been trying in vain to have more. Her own mom and siblings (she has 8 of them!!!), all of which have no fertility issues, tell her that her family really isn't one. Unfortunately, their comment is not part of a comedy routine... Incredible, isn't it?!

Wow. I'd really rethink adding more children to a family that espouses such a bad attitude! How can her mom and sis not recognize the many levels of hurt they are causing with those comments?







:


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## caspian's mama

meg murry, is that your real name or a literary reference?


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## MommaLyon

I love having only one child...


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## WildCanaryCait

I loved having an only...she's now 21, in college across the country....we homeschooled, had fantastic times in most every way......I was told, was so sure, that I couldn't have any more. weeeeellll, I turned 44 the week before my little Emperor was born! lolol So, now it's sortof like having another only! He's a 16 month old , glorious little rascal, what luck<grin>


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WildCanaryCait* 
I loved having an only...she's now 21, in college across the country....we homeschooled, had fantastic times in most every way......I was told, was so sure, that I couldn't have any more. weeeeellll, I turned 44 the week before my little Emperor was born! lolol So, now it's sortof like having another only! He's a 16 month old , glorious little rascal, what luck<grin>

Crikey, I'll bet that was a pretty mind-blowing moment when you realized you were pregnant again!


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## karlin

Wow, congrats! I think having 2 children so far apart is more like raising 2 onlies.

I have been getting a lot of weird vibes from some ladies in my mom's group lately. It's like they are offended at the idea that I only want one child. It's bizarre to me. I really love having only one. Maybe they feel that not having the urge to have babies in unnatural? There are some that think it's great that DH had a vasectomy, and others actually gave me a sympathetic look! I prefer the "woohoo!" response I got from one lady.







We haven't told family, though, because DH is sure it would break MIL's heart to know she isn't going to have anymore grandkids. To her credit, she is an awesome nana and mom.

I have been watching a friend's toddler lately, and boy, it's sure a change from my 4 year old! In fact, my DS is more of a help with her than I thought. I'm so used to being able to get chores done and take a shower without constantly having to supervise my son...but with this little girl here (she's absolutely adorable and so sweet), I really have to stay on my toes!

I wish you all lived closer. I'd love to have a mom's of onlies group or park day.


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## mikaela

Hi, everyone!

I'm a single momma to a 10-year-old monster. There are lots of reasons why I've chosen to have only one child, all of which have evolved and changed over the years. Currently, my primary reasons involve sustainability and durability of our planet. No explanation needed I'm sure, as I see many of those reasons listed here









Of course, I've found being a single mother affects my decision greatly, as well. Becoming unexpectedly pregnant as a teenager determined that my son and I would be faced with some unique challenges, and that things might not be as easy as they could've been had I done things in a more traditional manner. Overall, I love being a mom and I don't regret a single moment of it. That's not to say that things haven't been nearly completely overwhelming (financially, emotionally, spiritually) many, many, many times over the past ten years. Though I wouldn't want trade any of it for a second, and I know that my son and I have an amazing relationship _because_ of it, I certainly don't have the desire to repeat it









I appreciate the general sense of control and manageability that comes with one child, which is also something I've seen mentioned here, and is especially important to me not only as a single parent, but one who works full time out of the house. I can't imagine having to not only shuttle two kids around to lessons, practices, etc., but also afford everyone's interests. And in the middle of it all, still have the energy, time and money to hit the gym and cook healthy meals. In my house, I feel like we're already using all of our resources and adding another life would cause something (like sanity?) to suffer. I'm in awe of how parents make it work.

Also, I'm pretty sure fighting with one kid about bedtime/homework/showering/incessant texting/picking scabs at the dinner table/et. al. is just plenty for me. We all know what a mess one kid can make, I don't need to experience the carnage three or four little monsters could cause on a daily basis. I mean, isn't it generally a good idea to not be outnumbered?

It's funny because I absolutely _love_ when my house is full of kids. I enjoy the loudness and energy and happiness and even the mess







I just don't think I'd love it every day.

Eh, who am I kidding? The real reason why I'm not having any more children is because the one I already have is my favorite. We're not supposed to have favorites - I mean, really, what kind of mom would I be if I had another?!








Mikaela


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zoe21* 
I agree. I also find it interesting that nobody seems to get involved in the family planning of people who do have more kids. Has anyone ever thought to ask "WHY are you having a second child?" I have never questioned my friends' or relatives' (or strangers', for that matter) choices when it comes to the number of kids they want. Unfortunately, it's only a one-way street!

To be fair, I am sure they get their comments too. I just know this because I have heard enough people complain about it. When it comes to family size, everyone swears they know better than you do.

Quote:

Finally, I said something to the effect of, "What did you think was going to happen when you actively sought to get pregnant with #1 and #2?"










That is what keeps me from wanting to have more children all the time. My child is awesome and I love her, but she is also so much stress and I find that I miss my adult free time sooooo much. Even with just one, it is hard to get anything done for myself that requires real concentration.


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## mikaela

Quote:

I wish you all lived closer. I'd love to have a mom's of onlies group or park day.
Oh, that would be lovely, karlin









Quote:

To be fair, I am sure they get their comments too. I just know this because I have heard enough people complain about it. When it comes to family size, everyone swears they know better than you do.
Excellent point and so true!

I'm loving this thread and conversation


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## rambunctiouscurls

hey mamas,
Our dd is almost 14 months old. She is pretty awesome and personally, I feel very fulfilled with just a family of 3. BUT, dp is getting the baby fever now. I don't know if it has to do with his brother having another baby or what..
I really thought we were on the same page but lately he's been hinting about having another one. When I tell him, I thought we decided with an only, he says if that's what I want, he's fine with it but he would love to have more and to have them closer in age too







:

I'm soo happy with our family but I want him to be happy too.. on the same token, I'm a sahm and that would mean I would be the primary caregiver for two.... and I'm not sure I want that for ALOT of reasons. financial being a huge one. And at some point when dd reaches schoolage, I'd love to get back into the corporate world. I have grand plans of us traveling around the world. Having another just throws everything off balance.

Also, he is the one who is supposed to get the V so this just makes things so complicated. Have any of you experienced this where one of you wasn't quite onboard with the only idea. how did you as partners come to make this decision.


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## Juliacat

My dh REALLY only wants to have one, though he will tolerate discussion of having a second child in the far-flung future as long as it's framed in the "if, maybe" context. So I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a partner who wanted to have more children than I did. Honestly, I would probably go ahead and do it since I assume I would have more support that way. So, it's probably good that he only wants one since I am the stay-at-home parent at the moment and I do not even have the patience for one child most days.


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## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
My dh REALLY only wants to have one, though he will tolerate discussion of having a second child in the far-flung future as long as it's framed in the "if, maybe" context. So I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a partner who wanted to have more children than I did. Honestly, I would probably go ahead and do it since I assume I would have more support that way. So, it's probably good that he only wants one since I am the stay-at-home parent at the moment and *I do not even have the patience for one child most days.*









(bolding: mine) oh I hear YA!!!!! Although it's getting easier as she is getting older! we dealt with a lot of sleep deprivation with her. Now, we can take road trips on a whim and life is just getting back to normal. I feel so bad for wanting an only child for *selfish reasons* and I know, if mama ain't happy.......
still, dh longs for having more kids now and suddenly I feel so unsure. It's one thing to explain to relatives or friends why you are absolutely content with an only but totally another to your partner.


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## mama2zoe

Hi! It's been so comforting reading everyone's posts in this tribe. I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying and it also gave me a lot to think about (mostly on the benefits of having an only.) I'm an only and so far we have an only. I had a hard time getting pg with her and we have been half-heartedly trying for another, but I'm really starting to feel like I want to stop all that and keep our happy family of three. I've been a sahm and dd is now in half-day montessori and I've been getting back to work and am also trying to start a new career as a freelancer from home. We went to Europe this summer and it was so much fun to bring dd along - but I can't imagine doing that with two (too expensive, too much luggage, too much time before a new baby would be old enough for it to be fun...) Honestly, it's the extra plane ticket that's becoming more and more of a deal-breaker for me - we live far from both of our folks and travel at least twice a year to see them. With another kid I think it would be really hard to have additional money left over to travel other places - and I have tons of other places I want to take dd. Also, do you ever wonder about what life would be like if you lost your dp? I don't want to be left taking care of two kids by myself if something were to happen to him. (That sounds horrid, but I do think about it.) Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm NEVER jealous of moms with two or more kids - in fact, it's often the opposite, I feel sort of sick and tired when I think about being in their shoes. I KNOW if I had another that I would be jealous of moms with only one. Dh would like to stop at dd - for a lot of reasons, but a huge one for him is the environment (which I'm sort of surprised more people haven't talked about on here?) Pp have mentioned Bill McKibben's book "Only One" which I also highly recommend! But on the other hand...

I'm an only and when I was growing up I ALWAYS wanted a sibling. I begged my parents for a sibling and felt jealous of kids who had them. In hindsight I probably idealized the idea and most likely wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I thought I would. When I was really young I wanted someone to play with (although I was really good about playing by myself and had a lot of friends who came over to play.) As a teenager I wanted someone to confide in. But since leaving home it hasn't been an issue for me. I never think about being an only, it's just the way I am. I have my parents, my dh and dd, two aunts I'm close to and a lot of friends. I don't feel anything is missing. Despite all that I waffle when it comes to thinking about dd - would she be happier with or without a sibling? I have no idea! But I'm not sure that her possible need for a sibling should be our deciding factor. I love the idea of being pg again (after the 4 months of puking is over) and I love little babies, but I honestly didn't love having my own little baby (loved dd, just didn't love nightwaking) and was too tired to fully enjoy how cute she was. I think I love the idea more than the reality.

Another big one for me has been if something were to happen to dd. One of my aunts, who I'm very close to, lost her 7 year old son to leukemia when I was pg with dd. Honestly though, it was so devastating for them, I think it was good that they didn't have another child - they just separated (really common after losing a child). I don't know, having another means having another to potentially lose and nothing could replace dd or make up for losing her.

Because I'm an only dd has no aunts, uncles or cousins on my side. Dh has two brothers who he is not at all close to (in fact it's one of the reasons he thinks she should be an only). His brothers rarely see dd and they don't have any kids and probably won't. Dd's immediate family is very small. But what I'm realizing is that our small family is ideal for dh and I and if dd wants a large family she can have that with her own dp!

Anyways, that's my ramblings. I've been weighing this in my head for three years now! It feels really good to get it all out. Now that I've convinced myself an only is the best way to go hopefully I'm not pg! (we were still sort of half-heartedly trying this month.)


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## AntMom

Hi MamatoZoe,

I could have written your post! I too took a long time (3.5 years) to get pg with my ds, and have been halfheartedly "trying" for another. As an only myself, I have a hard time imagining life with two kids and what it would be like for my ds.

Right now I am totally content with my only, although I have all the same fears you do about something happening to someone (hard to put that into words). I love the closeness that we have and it's hard to imagine adding another person into the equation. And life right now is pretty easy; having another kid would be tough. I know we could do it, but I'm not sure I would want to.

My best friend IRL is also an only with an only, so it helps that we have each other, and our kids have each other to play with. And my ds is has plenty of friends at school. He's much more outgoing than I am because he has so many activities. (When I was a kid, we didn't have so many things to do!) He started preschool this fall, and because it's a coop, I am required to be a parent helper once a month. I was shocked to find out that siblings are not allowed when you're the helper--so if I did have a baby, I'd have to leave it at home on those days. Since I could never do that to a baby, I was sort of relieved not to have to deal with that. I just love the days I am there with my ds--it's a special time. I see so many of his friends that are the same age who are ignored while their moms are busy with siblings, and it's nice to know that I can just pay attention to him.

I'm sort of rambling this morning so I'm going to stop now, but thank you for sharing your experience. I get so much out of hearing everyone else's experiences.


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## mama2zoe

Hi Antmom! I know what you mean about having a hard time envisioning adding another child to the mix when you've never experienced it first-hand. I think that is so great that you have a friend who is an only with an only. Most of the moms I know have at least two or are pg or trying for more. It really helps to "talk" to some like-minded women/moms. I think sometimes I get caught up reading about moms who have more kids and start idealizing again... If I'm honest with myself though I know it just isn't right for my family.


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama2zoe* 
Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm NEVER jealous of moms with two or more kids - in fact, it's often the opposite, I feel sort of sick and tired when I think about being in their shoes. I KNOW if I had another that I would be jealous of moms with only one.









:

This is one of my "tests" and it never fails. Before I got pregnant with DD, I had major baby fever. Now, no more. Sometimes I'm unsure about whether we'll really just stick with one, or I'm wistful when I try to picture us as a family of 4, but jealous? NO WAY. If we ever do decide to have another, I think I'll see the first year as a necessary evil because there is nothing in me that wants to do that all over again.


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## RoundAbout

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama2zoe* 
Hi! It's been so comforting reading everyone's posts in this tribe. I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying and it also gave me a lot to think about (mostly on the benefits of having an only.) I'm an only and so far we have an only. I had a hard time getting pg with her and we have been half-heartedly trying for another, but I'm really starting to feel like I want to stop all that and keep our happy family of three. I've been a sahm and dd is now in half-day montessori and I've been getting back to work and am also trying to start a new career as a freelancer from home. We went to Europe this summer and it was so much fun to bring dd along - but I can't imagine doing that with two (too expensive, too much luggage, too much time before a new baby would be old enough for it to be fun...) Honestly, it's the extra plane ticket that's becoming more and more of a deal-breaker for me - we live far from both of our folks and travel at least twice a year to see them. With another kid I think it would be really hard to have additional money left over to travel other places - and I have tons of other places I want to take dd. Also, do you ever wonder about what life would be like if you lost your dp? I don't want to be left taking care of two kids by myself if something were to happen to him. (That sounds horrid, but I do think about it.) Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm NEVER jealous of moms with two or more kids - in fact, it's often the opposite, I feel sort of sick and tired when I think about being in their shoes. I KNOW if I had another that I would be jealous of moms with only one. Dh would like to stop at dd - for a lot of reasons, but a huge one for him is the environment (which I'm sort of surprised more people haven't talked about on here?) Pp have mentioned Bill McKibben's book "Only One" which I also highly recommend! But on the other hand...


Wow, I could have written this paragraph myself. I do wonder about losing my DH a lot, since he is military and deploys frequently. I'm already a single mom a lot of the time which is one reason why I want to stop at one, but the idea of being widowed and supporting two little ones by myself is just overwhelming.

Travel is also a big thing for us (two international trips planned in the next months) and plane tickets add up fast.

Also agree with you about NEVER envying moms of two or more. Whenever I see moms of two kids (especially kids spaced closely) it just seems like they spend all of their energy on *managing* their kids: "don't hit him", "give that back", etc, etc. I want to be a parent not a referee.


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## katheek77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
Wow, I could have written this paragraph myself. I do wonder about losing my DH a lot, since he is military and deploys frequently. I'm already a single mom a lot of the time which is one reason why I want to stop at one, but the idea of being widowed and supporting two little ones by myself is just overwhelming.

Travel is also a big thing for us (two international trips planned in the next months) and plane tickets add up fast.

Also agree with you about NEVER envying moms of two or more. Whenever I see moms of two kids (especially kids spaced closely) it just seems like they spend all of their energy on *managing* their kids: "don't hit him", "give that back", etc, etc. I want to be a parent not a referee.


DH is military as well, and is working very long hours right now. I temporarily lost my sanity and decided, heck, Katie (15.5 mos) and I were going out to dinner last night. Alone. In public. With food. Alone. (Did I mention the part about being alone with a 15mos old in a food establishment?







)
Ye gads. It worked! Holy cow. I went in prepared to scoop her up, get the food wrapped, pay, and go out the door in 2 mins flat if necessary. But we were there for 35 minutes..without a *single* scream, yell, flung piece of food, etc. I came out, in SHOCK, and was crying for joy in the car. Literally.







Because it's like I have a little piece of my life back. I love to eat out...but with a 15 mos old? But, apparently, sometimes, I can. I cannot A) Imagine starting over or B) having to have TWO (or more














kids whose behavior I'd have to "gamble" on, so to speak. The relative ease of it (yeah, sure I had to hold the glass for her, and cut up some of her food, while feeding myself, but, come on...easy-peasy at this point) just reinforced the decision that I enjoy our little party of three (or two, as the case may sometimes be). I am feeling much more confident in my tentative plan to get her passport ordered and becoming a jet-setter with her (DH's schedule will probably not allow it, and nothing's guaranteed anyway).

I agree with the "referee". It seems even kids who get along really well with their siblings most of the time STILL have something they argue over *every* single day, whether it's who gets the blue socks or the last banana or whatever.

DH went to BNCOC when Katie was 4 weeks old. Holy cow. And then again when she was 3.5 months (it was split). I nearly lost my sanity. With ONE child. I can't imagine it with two..at least with one, I could sort of do the "sleep when she sleeps" and take a break when she napped or whatever...with two???? Or with DH deployed for a year??? Uh-uh. I'd like to hold onto the last smidge of sanity left, thank you very much







.


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## Longhorn

We arent pregnant yet, but when we do, it will be our only child. We have many nieces and nephews that we dote upon and we live very active lifestyles and travel EVERYWHERE. We still want to be able to do that and think that only have one child will allow us the freedom we want but still give us the happiness we crave from a child.
We have discussed 'possibly' adopting a toddler or young child internationally perhaps when our own child is older, but that is just talk. I don't know if we'd actually go through with it, though.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 







:

This is one of my "tests" and it never fails.

I love this idea of the "test." It's a great way to think about it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
Also agree with you about NEVER envying moms of two or more. Whenever I see moms of two kids (especially kids spaced closely) it just seems like they spend all of their energy on *managing* their kids: "don't hit him", "give that back", etc, etc. I want to be a parent not a referee.

Wow! So many military Moms here. You ALL are amazing. I don't know how you do it. I'm freaking out when DH is a few minutes late home from work...DD has emptied the cereal box, cat food, taken out the Tupperware for the 34th time that day etc...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
DH is military as well, and is working very long hours right now. I temporarily lost my sanity and decided, heck, Katie (15.5 mos) and I were going out to dinner last night. Alone. In public. With food. Alone. (Did I mention the part about being alone with a 15mos old in a food establishment?







)
Ye gads. It worked!

That is so awesome of you! Good for you (and DD) to get out and treat yourselves. Sometimes I think our children are way, way more perceptive than we give them credit for. Perhaps she sensed your need to get out. I've also found the change of scenery, generally means she's happier and easier to entertain. I'm not sure about the military lingo...when do you expect your DH can come home?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Longhorn* 
We arent pregnant yet, but when we do, it will be our only child. We have many nieces and nephews that we dote upon and we live very active lifestyles and travel EVERYWHERE. We still want to be able to do that and think that only have one child will allow us the freedom we want but still give us the happiness we crave from a child.
We have discussed 'possibly' adopting a toddler or young child internationally perhaps when our own child is older, but that is just talk. I don't know if we'd actually go through with it, though.

Welcome! That's great you found the tribe, even before your little one arrives!! We always planned for just one and still feel good about that decision. But, as you said...life is not etched in stone. I wonder if you will continue to travel, when the baby arrives? I know some people who do. They take the baby to Cancun, on cruises etc...We're kind of homebodies...but we hope to resume traveling someday. ($







$


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## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
Wow! So many military Moms here. You ALL are amazing. I don't know how you do it. I'm freaking out when DH is a few minutes late home from work...DD has emptied the cereal box, cat food, taken out the Tupperware for the 34th time that day etc...

Ditto. And ditto!







(I'd write more but I am tired from all day with my only!)


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## katheek77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
Wow! So many military Moms here. You ALL are amazing. I don't know how you do it. I'm freaking out when DH is a few minutes late home from work...DD has emptied the cereal box, cat food, taken out the Tupperware for the 34th time that day etc...

(

Honestly, at times, it's easier with him gone







: I get SOOOOO annoyed if he ends up being late while he's here...I sort of plan for him to be home at a certain time, and if he's late, it can throw everything off. Ie...if he's supposed to be home at 8, and DD had a late nap, I'll sometimes let her stay up, hold off her bath, etc., so she can play with him when he gets home. So, if he calls at 820 to say he won't be home until 930...I've got a cranky baby who still needs a bath, a book, and to be put to sleep







:

When it's just Katie and I, I already know there won't be any "relief pitching" so to speak, and I pace myself....







You kind of get into a groove...although I would NOT want to do it for a year with a baby. That's just incredible to me.

And, right now, my DH is home. He's supposed to go to ANCOC (advanced non-commissioned officer course) sometime this winter/spring if they can get him a spot...I believe that will be 6.5 weeks.


----------



## devster4fun

bumpity bump bump


----------



## mom2PJS

Thanks for the bump of this post. I've read about 10 of the 20 pages and it's helped me alot. We have a wonderful 20 month old. Our plan was for one, but lately we're both feeling all of this pressure from the outside world, and feeling a little guilty because our reasons for one are somewhat selfish. We are both doubting what we still feel in our hearts is the right decision. And after 4 months of colic and nursing drama and 14 months of awake every 2 hours and unpredictable patterns our little person is becoming someone I can relate too. We went to Maui (to visit grandma) 4 times last year and Europe for a month... I cant imagine how bedraggled we would be with 2 or 3 to chase around an airport.

"She is wonderful and our lives are truly richer and fuller with her here. We feel so complete and happy. I like being able to focus on one thing. Part of the decision is financial. We want to be able to afford many opportunities for her & want to be home until she is in school. Part of the decision is, we know our marriage very well. We are aware how important it is to preserve and nurture"

That's someone else's, but after 9 years of marriage and 16 years together, it sums it up for us. Who is to say that 2 is such the perfect number? Why not 1? Why not 6? I'm going to see if the library has "only one."


----------



## mikaela

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2PJS* 
We have a wonderful 20 month old. Our plan was for one, but lately we're both feeling all of this pressure from the outside world, and feeling a little guilty because our reasons for one are somewhat selfish.

There seems to be a general feeling (not just here) that choosing not to have children, or to have only one child, is selfish. I agree with that, but only in the sense that deciding *to* have children, however many, is just as selfish.

We choose not to have babies for ourselves, just as we choose *to* make babies for ourselves. Why, I wonder, the double standard?

PS: Help a sister out - what's the whole "bumpity bump" thing?


----------



## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mikaela* 
PS: Help a sister out - what's the whole "bumpity bump" thing?









Welcome to the tribe! "Bumping" is just a reply that moves a thread up to the top of the list so it doesn't get lost on page 2, etc.


----------



## mom2PJS

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mikaela* 
There seems to be a general feeling (not just here) that choosing not to have children, or to have only one child, is selfish. I agree with that, but only in the sense that deciding *to* have children, however many, is just as selfish.

We choose not to have babies for ourselves, just as we choose *to* make babies for ourselves. Why, I wonder, the double standard?

PS: Help a sister out - what's the whole "bumpity bump" thing?









Honestly I think that having a child and nursing her for the past 20 months has been a pretty selfless act. I am so totally committed to that little person that I have to remind myself to take time out to keep myself sane. That said, my reasons for choosing an only are selfish. When DH and I start talking about pros and cons of another baby "we can travel more, we have more time as a couple, we have more money, only one potential college education, DD will get more focused attention, we don't have to split our focus, I can retire at 50, what if the next kid has special needs?, I really don't ever want to see that breast pump again" seems very selfish as compared to some of our lets have a baby arguments.

I think your statement is fair because if we made the choice to have another it would be for "selfish" reasons also.

Bump keeps the post up in the "active" pages of the tribes so that new people like me







can find it.


----------



## RoundAbout

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
Honestly, at times, it's easier with him gone







: I get SOOOOO annoyed if he ends up being late while he's here...I sort of plan for him to be home at a certain time, and if he's late, it can throw everything off. Ie...if he's supposed to be home at 8, and DD had a late nap, I'll sometimes let her stay up, hold off her bath, etc., so she can play with him when he gets home. So, if he calls at 820 to say he won't be home until 930...I've got a cranky baby who still needs a bath, a book, and to be put to sleep







:

When it's just Katie and I, I already know there won't be any "relief pitching" so to speak, and I pace myself....








You kind of get into a groove...although I would NOT want to do it for a year with a baby. That's just incredible to me.

And, right now, my DH is home. He's supposed to go to ANCOC (advanced non-commissioned officer course) sometime this winter/spring if they can get him a spot...I believe that will be 6.5 weeks.

Wow. I could have written every word of this! I also don't feel much need to have a super clean home or to look good or to cook when its just DS and I so that takes the pressure off quite a bit (not that DH cares about any of this, but I do, and I just let it all hang out when he is gone).

It won't say its great, and we have our tough moments where I wish DH was home to take care of something, but its not nearly as bad as people think. The military community is also very supportive - our gym has a free child care co-op so I get out several hours a week, and the hospital has free child care for appointments, etc.


----------



## RoundAbout

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2PJS* 
That said, my reasons for choosing an only are selfish. When DH and I start talking about pros and cons of another baby "we can travel more, we have more time as a couple, we have more money, only one potential college education, DD will get more focused attention, we don't have to split our focus, I can retire at 50, what if the next kid has special needs?, I really don't ever want to see that breast pump again" seems very selfish as compared to some of our lets have a baby arguments.


Yes, but many of these issues are just as much for your child's sake as for your own - college, travel, a stable loving marriage, attention. For instance, I have some genetic issues in my family so I too worry about having a child with special needs. But its not just that I don't want the difficulties of having a SN child (if that were the case I would not have risked having a child at all), but its that I worry that I would be shortchanging both kids if I had to split my attention.

I also like the quote about preserving and nurturing one's marriage. I see sooo many couples where there is a huge disconnect with each other because their whole marriage is about the kids and not about each other. That's one difference I see between us and our friends who have multiple kids - DH and I were happy before kids, and feel like DS just added some richness to an already wonderful life. But for a lot of people the whole marriage is really about having kids, and there wouldn't be much there without the kids, and the couple relationship is really secondary. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that, but its not what I want.

I think the reasons most people have for wanting another baby are entirely selfish - they just doesn't *sound* as selfish.


----------



## mikaela

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoundAbout* 
...many of these issues are just as much for your child's sake as for your own - college, travel, a stable loving marriage, attention. For instance, I have some genetic issues in my family so I too worry about having a child with special needs. But its not just that I don't want the difficulties of having a SN child (if that were the case I would not have risked having a child at all), but its that I worry that I would be shortchanging both kids if I had to split my attention...

I think the reasons most people have for wanting another baby are entirely selfish - they just doesn't *sound* as selfish.

Precisely


----------



## devster4fun

Yay! Glad to see the bump brought some new folks to the party!

It's an interesting discussion about the "selfish" issue. It's hard for me to understand someone else feeling that way about MY life. How could *they* know all the ins and outs?

We had an interesting issue come up during the past week. In my profession, I get a lot of calls from corporate recruiters. (I currently work part-time 19 hrs/week and SAH the rest of the time...the hours are completely flexible and I can work or not work whenever I want.) I got a call about an awesome job, which would put me back to work full-time. And, make enough money, so my DH could SAH. It was fun to discuss the stay-at-home-dad scenario with my partner. He think it would be (let me quote him) "fun and easy!!" Um. Yeah.

See, DH loves to play with DD and take her places etc...But, SAH means laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning. All the stuff he hates. (But helps with)

This leads me back to the only-child issue. One of the main reasons we've chosen one, is financial. (The most "selfish" of all







) Which means, I need to go back to work full-time when DD goes to school in a few years.

But, DAMN those tiny baby clothes in the infant section at target. They get me weepy every time.


----------



## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
He think it would be (let me quote him) "fun and easy!!" Um. Yeah.

laughup.

I see from your sig that my daughter is not alone in her sudden fascination with the cat food bowl! I don't even like looking at that nasty dry food--but she loves to dig around in it lately.


----------



## devster4fun

Coco...our kiddos were born 2 months apart (4/25/06) Cool!

Yes, the cats are endless sources of fascination for DD. Their food, water, fur, whiskers, tails, toys, etc. Thank God, our cats are VERY VERY VERY tolerant of her. In fact, her first word was "kitty cat!" We worked hard from the beginning to teach her to be gentle and respectful to the cats. So far, so good.

She does this weird thing, though. She bends down and wants to put her head/face on their fur. (Like use them for a pillow, but not put her weight down??) She never saw us do it, but it seems to be a term of affection.


----------



## mikaela

Thanks for the bump explanation, everyone









Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
In my profession, I get a lot of calls from corporate recruiters. (I currently work part-time 19 hrs/week and SAH the rest of the time...the hours are completely flexible and I can work or not work whenever I want.)

What an awesome schedule!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
But, DAMN those tiny baby clothes in the infant section at target. They get me weepy every time.

Oh, I hear ya, lady. So. Cute! Especially now that many of my friends are trying to have the babies, I long for the baby bump (speaking of bumps...







) and all those fun preparations.

Actually *planning* to start a family is something that I never will experience, and so, is too something that I often think of.

I'm totally content with my decision, mind you, but it's interesting to wonder the "what ifs?..."


----------



## msjd123

You know, I visit and contribute to a few different boards, but this tribe is the only place I feel like I really fit.







Just wanted to let you all know.







And, it's a very nice thing to feel 100% validated.







You guys rock.









And, on a totally unrelated note....

Devster, I think we have the same couches! Crate & Barrell from about 5 years ago? If it's not truly the same, then the color and shape of them is dead-on!


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
You know, I visit and contribute to a few different boards, but this tribe is the only place I feel like I really fit.







Just wanted to let you all know.







And, it's a very nice thing to feel 100% validated.







You guys rock.









And, on a totally unrelated note....

Devster, I think we have the same couches! Crate & Barrell from about 5 years ago? If it's not truly the same, then the color and shape of them is dead-on!

5 years ago, but from Pottery Barn...they have been great! They are slipcovered and washable. Perfect for DD...here's last week's spill list:
-yogurt
-orange juice
-lotion
-my FULL glass of red wine








-marinara sauce

And, I love this tribe too...

Someone told me I was a, "typical" only child this week. It was said in jest...but I do get sick of that "joke."


----------



## WildinTheory

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama2zoe* 
I love the idea of being pg again (after the 4 months of puking is over) and I love little babies, but I honestly didn't love having my own little baby (loved dd, just didn't love nightwaking) and was too tired to fully enjoy how cute she was. I think I love the idea more than the reality.

This is me completely. With my son, I didn't have the birth that I was hoping for and I had a very hard time adjusting to the idea of being a mom. I had a hard time bonding with him because of it all and I carried a lot of guilt about that. Almost immediately after he born I wanted to have another. I felt like I had failed at it first time and if we had another I'd be able to do it "right". I wanted to be less afraid and less ovherwhelmed. I felt like I had missed the joy of my baby.

But the truth is, I don't have the energy or the patience for the amount of work a baby requires. I just went back to work full time three weeks ago. I was so ashamed because for the first two weeks I absoultely loved being back. I loved getting up with somewhere to go, I loved talking to people again, I loved being my old self. But now, reality is setting in, and I'm just tired. I miss my son. I miss my DP. I'm so grateful that he can take care of Nate during the day but that means that he works evenings and I never see him. I want to figure out a way to work less but then I realize that if I work less we will never own our own home.







:

All this rambling is my way of saying, I think one is better for us. DP believes this as well. We're both on the same page but it still hard to let go of the idea of having more.


----------



## SweetPotato

I'm not sure now whether I've ever responded to this giant thread or not- but I thought I'd say hi again anyway! My dd is almost 2 and will most likely be an only. I get frustrated with the "selfish" comments as well- especially since I see so many large families in which it looks like at least some kids are getting shortchanged- of time, of attention, of a relaxed and happy couple of parents, of some of the wholesome things that a stable financial situation can provide (college without loans, the incredible perspective of travel). I don't think that I'm selfish- I'm just very devoted to this one child that I already have and I don't want HER to sacrifice. I'm always surprised when I hear people say "well, I always knew that I wanted 5 kids" or however many-- just because parenthood is soooo different from anything I could have imagined-- I think big families look cute on TV, but I don't think that my marriage, my sanity, or my dd would thrive in the reality.


----------



## mom2PJS

I finally took the time to find the mamas of too many thread (page 9 for now) Yikes.

It's good to know that many of you go through the periodic insanity of "oh aren't those tiny baby clothes so adorable? Remember when she was so tiny...(and didn't sleep and screamed unless she was sleeping)" I know I don't really want another, but I thought I was strange to have those feelings, and the second guessing the decision.


----------



## katheek77

I currently live in paranoid terror of getting pregnant again.







Seriously. My husband apparently has super-sperm, and they apparently penetrate latex, so...No real baby envy for now. If I could birth a 2 year old, I might be all over the "second" child thing, but...nope...no baby envy.

Katie and I have our "thing" now, though. Tuesday night is "Girls' Night Out". Tuesday has always been the longest day of the week for me, so, now, we go to a (kid-friendly) restaurant for dinner every Tuesday. She gets some practice with public dining, someone else gets to do the dishes, and I get to go to restaurants DH wouldn't like.







:

Little Bird is sick right now...DH is away on military stuff for a few days...running a fever (101.5 at 930ish), and just generally miserable...has only taken a little bit of breastmilk to eat (NOT like her at all). I'm actually going to go buy some ice cream later and see if she'll eat that (yeah, I know, not very healthy, but she's VERY skinny, and does NOT have anything to lose, so, I'll take whatever high calorie food I can get into her). She woke up at 730, went back to sleep at 815, woke up at 9, and went back to sleep at 1130. Our dog is laying next to her right now...I think she knows Katie is sick.

It sucks, but, I can't imagine having two sick at the same time (and from memory, whenever I got sick, my sister usually did, too)...two needing Mama to hold them...two wanting the extra cuddles...two having meltdowns because they feel horrible and crappy and Mama has to pump. Even the bad is a lot easier with one. I'm getting a break while she naps, and I'll kind of recharge (DH won't be home until tomorrow afternoon). If there was another, I don't think I'd have this opportunity...Murphy says while one slept the other would be awake...


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
I currently live in paranoid terror of getting pregnant again.







Seriously. My husband apparently has super-sperm, and they apparently penetrate latex, so...No real baby envy for now. If I could birth a 2 year old, I might be all over the "second" child thing, but...nope...no baby envy.

Me, too! I come from a family of crazily fertile women. My mom was pregnant 10 times, three times with an IUD--she had many miscarriages, though. My sister and I both got pregnant on the first try. Dh is going to get a V, but right now there is not enough birth control out there to erase the fear that comes with DTD.

As for the selfish thing: it's a complete mystery to me how it would be considered selfish not to have more children than you can comfortably support (whether that be financially or emotionally).


----------



## caspian's mama

~hug~
i hope your dd gets better soon.

i don't know which would be worse: having 2 kids sick at the same time or having one follow the other, so it's dragged out twice as long!

sometimes being selfish is good. there's a lot about the world we live in that just plain sucks. i'm ecstatic that casi can have a safe haven where he's always treated like the coolest person on the planet. i think that will make him stronger and more confident as he ventures out into real society.


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

nm


----------



## devster4fun

DD had a movement/play class this morning. It's for 16-22 months and she's 18 months. There was a new Mom in class today, helping her 16 month old get around the gym. We were talking and she's like....hold on...I think I hear my baby crying.

I'm like...um...your baby is right here in front of us.

Nope. She has a 3 week old, in the baby carrier. Holy crap. I mean...holy-freakin' crap. My mind can't even process having a newborn and a 16 month old.

I'll give the woman credit. She looked awesome. Tired, but awesome.


----------



## msjd123

Devster,







on the PB couches, though ours don't have slipcovers. We bought them before DD was even a glimmer in our eyes, so I don't know what we were thinking because they're totally stained now. They're still super comfy, though, so we may just have to get them professionally cleaned.


----------



## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
sometimes being selfish is good. there's a lot about the world we live in that just plain sucks. i'm ecstatic that casi can have a safe haven where he's always treated like the coolest person on the planet. i think that will make him stronger and more confident as he ventures out into real society.

















:


----------



## Sonnenwende

For those who are not having more partly out of overpopulation/environmental concerns, here is an interesting article:

Vanishing Water


----------



## katheek77

Well, another reason to be grateful for an only...

Katie saw the Opthamologist yesterday, who diagnosed her as having Sixth Nerve Palsy (a form of strabismus - basically, her left eye is unable to turn outward). And he wants to do surgery in something like two months. She'll be 18mos old.







:

We're not sure we want to do this...surgery under general anesthesia for an 18mos old w/o a life-threatening condition? I have tons of questions, and, I've been doing tons of research (with tons to go), and a LOT of it seems to caution AGAINST what the opth. is saying, esp. b/c I have no idea if she has any amblyopia (vision loss due to lazy eye - present in about 50% of strabismus cases) b/c the opth didn't bother doing any of THOSE tests, and everything I've read recommends correcting the amblopia (if present) BEFORE the surgery...but he dismissed my queries (before I knew about most of this) about less-invasive actions (patching, therapy, etc.) as "It won't help" (it won't help the palsy, but it CAN help the amblyopia if there, and the earlier the better) and "She'll go blind if you wait too long." (Which is only marginally true...she *could* lose sight in her left eye if we did NOTHING for a VERY long time...which is NOT what I was asking about). And a couple sites said that if you do surgery, it's recommended to wait until the child is 4-5 years old. (And these are opthamology sites (either hospital info pages, opthamology assoc., papers written by opth., etc., so, it's not some quack writing this stuff). Honestly, I'd rather her have limited eye movement range (the surgery won't "cure" the palsy, it will only give her a bit more eye movement) and be able to SEE than to be able to move her eye around everywhere and have horrible eyesight due to amblyopia

Needless to say, I didn't appreciate the strong-arm scare tactics.

So, yeah, I'm now researching 6th nerve palsy, amblyopia, strabismus surgery (and trying to figure out what the hell it all means), trying to get insurance to authorize a second opinion, trying to get a hold of a referral from our ped for the second opinion, and trying to figure out what the hell we want to do, and on what time frame. Much easier with only one child, obviously. She has a CT scan next Wednesday to rule out any more ominous causes of the palsy which I'm completely fine with her getting (in about 30% of infantile cases, it's caused by a tumor/intracranial pressure and is often one of the first nerves in the body affected...I am very comfortable geting the scan done to rule this out - too much of a chance in my book). If she does get therapy and/or surgery, I won't have to arrange for child care for any other children. And, this morning, I patched her better eye for an hour (everything I read says even if it doesn't do anything, it won't hurt), and she just wanted to be held most of the time.

*sigh* I guess i'm really just venting.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
*sigh* I guess i'm really just venting.

Oh my gosh! Hugs to you and your family. That does not sound like an easy decision.

I would do anything you could to get a second, even third opinion. For something as important as sight, maybe a little extra time diagnosing and deciding....poor baby. (and I mean YOU!) I'm surprised at the aggressive approach the Dr. is taking with such a young infant/toddler. I mean, it's not like she's 5 and getting ready to start school or something. That just doesn't sound right to me.

Please keep us updated as to what happens and anything else you find out.


----------



## Kayaking Mama

Wow, Kathee. That's a lot to handle--hope you find all of the answers you are looking for! It definitely seems like a 2nd opinion would be worthwhile. Hope it all turns out well for you and your little one.


----------



## caspian's mama

stick to your gut and get that second opinion. it sounds like your research runs really counter to what this doc's saying. good luck with everything and ~hugs~ to your little bean.


----------



## mama2zoe

Kathee,

Do your research, keep asking questions and TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! It sounds like you're doing all of these things. I agree with your reluctance to have her put under general anesthesia at such a young age.

Hang in there and keep us updated.


----------



## mom2PJS

Kathee
Even if the insurance won't pay it's not all that expensive to have a routine exam at an eye Dr. I would agree with everyone else about the trusting your gut and your research. And yes I can't imagine going through that with more than one to care for. My friend just went through a 3rd surgery for torticollis with her son (her second child) and she is pregnant with twins.


----------



## Coco_Hikes

Kathee, during this tough time! We're all keeping you in our thoughts.


----------



## mikaela

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
For those who are not having more partly out of overpopulation/environmental concerns, here is an interesting article:

Vanishing Water

GREAT article - thanks for sharing!


----------



## mikaela

Much love and peace to you, Kathlee <3


----------



## devster4fun

Yes...Kathee, any updates?

Wishing you the best!


----------



## katheek77

OK...update...

Insurance has agreed to pay for a second opinion, by someone not affiliated with the hospital she was already seen at. That appt. is on Monday. The doctor is female, and, I'm sure this sounds sexist, but I'm hoping she will take my concerns about surgery more seriously.

Today was the CT Scan. It was not fun. If I didn't know that 30% of infantile 6th nerve palsy is caused by tumors (and the majority of the rest by closed head trauma - which is not a possibility, which sort of raises the prospect of tumors causing it), I would have left somewhere around the end of the 2nd attempt to get an IV in. It was scheduled for 5pm. They kept us waiting until 6:10, when they sprung on us that the doctor had decided to do it with and without contrast, and they'd need to put an IV in for the contrast (she wouldn't drink it regardless, and it would have meant an extra hour there (3 cups, thirty minutes apart).

My poor little girl screamed so hard and so loud. I can't imagine the horror and pain and confusion.







:The IV tech must have just graduated or something...it took 3 tries to even get the damn thing in.







: I thought my husband was going to punch him. Seriously. Poor thing just screamed and cried...the CT scan itself wasn't so hard once we had her strapped in...I sang to her the whole time, which seemed to calm her down, or else she just gave up. She was recovering from her screaming and sobbing, and she wasn't crying anymore, just the hiccuppy gasps every once in a while.

We should get results by Friday. I really don't like this hospital (my husband is pissed that she saw the optomotrist at 11mos, who said it was "nothing to worry about", and he didn't really see anything wrong...and the same thing at 15 mos - but that was my daughter's "fault" since she wasn't "completely cooperative" during the exams. It was also her fault the IVs didn't stay in, because, even though *three* of us were holding her down (all 19.5 lbs) while he did the IV, when the other lady told him there was "infiltration" (whatever it means when the IV fluid isn't going into a vein) it was because she "flexed her hand and made it slip"














...I have to call tomorrow to find out if I'm supposed to call for results (this is what the lady running the ct scan told me)







:

I should mention this is a children's hospital.

*sigh* The receptionists were nice.

Katie is now sleeping peacefully with Da-da. Mama is looking forward to the weekend and a drink...or ten.







:

Thank you all for your good wishes and thoughts...I will let y'all know as soon as I have any more news...

And back to the regularly scheduled programming.....


----------



## Juliacat

How is your dd, katheek?


----------



## devster4fun

Your post made me







. I cannot imagine having to watch that. Kids are so tough, though....and better at "moving on" than us stubborn adults. Please let us know the results (if you're comfortable with that)

Wishing you the best....


----------



## katheek77

Finally got the results today.

The CT scan came back normal, thank goodness. It was a big runaround to get the results...it seems the right people were never in the office at the same time. But, everything looks normal, and I need to find out more about this proposed surgery...if it's merely cosmetic, there's obviously no rush to do anything...if it's going to improve her field of vision, then we have to discuss when we're doing it.

Monday we went for the second opinion, which was basically the same as the first. Although this doctor did an eye exam to test her vision and look at the inside of her eyes and all that...that came out fine, so, she's not losing vision at this point.

We're just all very grateful that everything came back normal.


----------



## Al Dente

Can I join?







I've only read a couple of pages (limited 'puter time) but I think you all can understand me better than all my friends ttc!









I'm about to be a single mama and I'm in my mid-thirties. I think DS is going to be an only, although I never wanted it that way. I'm an only too, kind of. I have 10 siblings, all 11-25+ years older than me. So I was the only one at home. I don't particularly remember being lonely but I was obnoxious and still have a problem realizing the world doesn't revolve around me.







I don't want that for my son!

Kathee..I've done phlebotomy and it can be very hard to get IV's started on children. They usually use a butterfly in the hand and start a port there. Was that what he was doing? I'm so sorry for her trauma, and the pain you must've gone through seeing her in pain. I'm glad she's not in need of surgery!


----------



## mom2PJS

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Al Dente* 
Can I join?







I've only read a couple of pages (limited 'puter time) but I think you all can understand me better than all my friends ttc!










5 out of 7 of the women in my playgroup are pregnant or have newborn #2... We really have nothing to talk about








Welcome


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 

We're just all very grateful that everything came back normal.

That's great news. Maybe you all can relax and enjoy the Holiday week...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Al Dente* 
Can I join?







I've only read a couple of pages (limited 'puter time) but I think you all can understand me better than all my friends ttc!









Hi there!! Welcome to our little tribe. Although, we're doing pretty well lately!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2PJS* 
5 out of 7 of the women in my playgroup are pregnant or have newborn #2... We really have nothing to talk about








Welcome

Ugh. No kidding. I was telling DH about my time at a playgroup yesterday. There are about 5 pregnant women and they usually stand around talking about pregnancy, c-sections etc....It's just not something I want to constantly discuss. (I had to walk to the other side of the room)

Uh Ladies...is there anything else in life besides getting/being pregnant and birth?


----------



## katheek77

I hear y'all on the pregnant everywhere.

We do a toddler storytime at the library and, of the 10 regulars, 3 are now pregnant, and two just had their second baby. All the firsts are within 6 months of Katie's age either way.







:

The questions have started anew...I guess this is the time when I'm supposed to get knocked up and shoot out number 2...Sometimes, I just tell people that after Katie we've decided against having another, and see how they take that. Some people seem to take it as "She's so wonderful, we're complete with only her" and others seem to take it as, "She's so horrible, we're not going to even think of another". Depending on the day, either could be the truth.









My MIL is apparently (we no longer talk) very pissed off about the whole only child thing. I'm very selfish.


----------



## earthgirl

Warning: Emotional rambling to follow









So DD had her first birthday yesterday and I feel all weird about it. It feels really fast. Of course I'm incredibly grateful to have a happy and healthy child, but I just want to freeze some moments. It's one of the paradoxes of motherhood- wanting these things for your child that will cause such feelings of loss for yourself. Anyway, b/c she will be our only child it makes everything feel a bit sudden and sad. No more first smiles, words, crawling, etc. I'm just in this weird place b/c I know this is the right decision for our family. Our family feels complete and I really don't have a strong desire to do all of this again. But I do wish there was a way to re-live all of these wonderful experiences. And to be honest, part of me worries that one day in the future I'll be wishing for another...

Anyone else ever feel this way?


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
I hear y'all on the pregnant everywhere.

We do a toddler storytime at the library and, of the 10 regulars, 3 are now pregnant, and two just had their second baby. All the firsts are within 6 months of Katie's age either way.







:

The questions have started anew...I guess this is the time when I'm supposed to get knocked up and shoot out number 2...Sometimes, I just tell people that after Katie we've decided against having another, and see how they take that. Some people seem to take it as "She's so wonderful, we're complete with only her" and others seem to take it as, "She's so horrible, we're not going to even think of another". Depending on the day, either could be the truth.









We're in second baby land over here, too. In dd's movement class, one woman just had her second, and two more a pregnant. Another was asking me "if I've started thinking about number two yet." Actually, she seemed a little impressed that dd was an only--like it's such a shocking (yet rational!) decision. Then she was quick to add that she's going to try for 3-year spacing. Lest I think she's one of our martian race as well.


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
Warning: Emotional rambling to follow









So DD had her first birthday yesterday and I feel all weird about it. It feels really fast. Of course I'm incredibly grateful to have a happy and healthy child, but I just want to freeze some moments. It's one of the paradoxes of motherhood- wanting these things for your child that will cause such feelings of loss for yourself. Anyway, b/c she will be our only child it makes everything feel a bit sudden and sad. No more first smiles, words, crawling, etc. I'm just in this weird place b/c I know this is the right decision for our family. Our family feels complete and I really don't have a strong desire to do all of this again. But I do wish there was a way to re-live all of these wonderful experiences. And to be honest, part of me worries that one day in the future I'll be wishing for another...

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Just about constantly!









Tiny baby clothes do it for me. And, there are moments I actually take a mental photograph. I love watching her learn something new, discover her shadow, stop to gaze a fallen leaf. She's so 100% innocent and open to the world.

*Of course then she's screams "PRETZEL" at me for the 400th time that day*

You know, choosing to have an only child doesn't HAVE to be etched in stone. If the time comes and you feel differently, you shouldn't feel bad. Life is a constant changing, fluctuating thing. You're always making decisions that you think are best for now.

DD wakes from her nap as we speak...I'm making chicken meatballs and spaghetti for dinner. YUM!


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## Juliacat

If we were going to have a second child during society's required two-to-three-year time frame, we'd have to start pretty soon. And we're not going to. Some days I feel like saying, Take THAT, society! and other days I just feel like crawling under a chair and crying. Today was one of those latter days. I was playing peek-a-boo with my friend's five-month-old (same friend also has two-and-a-half-year-old twins







: ) and just, sigh, dd is at exactly the right age now for us to be trying to have another. Just, in all sorts of ways. But we're not going to do it because it would be devastating financially, emotionally, and environmentally. But it makes me really sad on days like today.

Quote:

Some people seem to take it as "She's so wonderful, we're complete with only her" and others seem to take it as, "She's so horrible, we're not going to even think of another". Depending on the day, either could be the truth.
I totally hear you on that one.


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## Juliacat

Will somebody please explain to me why, if someone is obnoxious who happens to be an only child, everybody says it's because he or she is an only child, but if an obnoxious person has siblings, nobody cares to comment?










Signed,

An only child who _isn't_ obnoxious


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## rambunctiouscurls

Yesterday, I got my very first positive response to dd being an only child. The guy (who is a father of two) said it was incredibly responsible.


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommy2Amira* 
Yesterday, I got my very first positive response to dd being an only child. The guy (who is a father of two) said it was incredibly responsible.

That's awesome! I'm jealous.







I'm sooooooo sick and tired of the awkward "Oh" when I tell someone we're just having one.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
Will somebody please explain to me why, if someone is obnoxious who happens to be an only child, everybody says it's because he or she is an only child, but if an obnoxious person has siblings, nobody cares to comment?










Signed,

An only child who _isn't_ obnoxious

Oh, this drives me nuts! I'm a former preschool teacher and the 2 year olds teacher at the last place I worked at used to always play the only child thing when he had a kid that was acting up. It used to really anger me. I thought his argument was particularly stupid b/c a) 2 year olds aren't exactly known for being the most obedient of creatures and b) it's not unusual for a two year old to not have any siblings. It seems like quite the leap to make.


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## Al Dente

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zoe21* 
My only issue is BC...we still haven't found the perfect method, because I'm paranoid of failure rates, and DH isn't since he wants more kids (did I mention that he also wants the social life of a childless couple?! go figure...).


Have you thought about an IUD?


----------



## Al Dente

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
Oh, this drives me nuts! I'm a former preschool teacher and the 2 year olds teacher at the last place I worked at used to always play the only child thing when he had a kid that was acting up. It used to really anger me. I thought his argument was particularly stupid b/c a) 2 year olds aren't exactly known for being the most obedient of creatures and b) it's not unusual for a two year old to not have any siblings. It seems like quite the leap to make.









Growing up I constantly heard from my much older siblings how obnoxious I was, and everyone thought it was because I was basically an only. I'm kind of wondering what their excuses are, though!









I think this attitude will change as more and more people have onlies. I haven't done any research (so I don't really know what I'm talking about), but it seems that having one child is much more acceptable nowadays than it was, say, 100 or even 50 years ago.


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## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I thought his argument was particularly stupid b/c a) 2 year olds aren't exactly known for being the most obedient of creatures and b) it's not unusual for a two year old to not have any siblings. It seems like quite the leap to make.

ya think??







:


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## QDB

Hi Ladies!
I am a mama to a 4.5 yo ds. I have been stressing out lately about his lack of interest in other children. He is interested in playing with the neighbor girls who are very nice but are much older. He seems to have no interest really in meeting any new kids his own age.

My grandmother comes over once a week and he sees my mother, aunt or father twice a month. These are the people he considers his friends.

He gets along peacefully enough with other kids when we are at the park and when we went back to Washington state where we used to live, he enjoyed playing with our friend's 7 yo but not so much the 4 yo kids that he used to play with as a baby.

I guess I am just wondering if he will be more interested in kids his own age when he gets older? I feel like I am worrying over nothing as he is happy and doesn't say he is bored. He doesn't ask to play with other kids, either.

He doesn't go to preschool and we are just starting to checkout what the local homeschool group has to offer.

Is this an only child thing or a temperment thing? You'd think I would know as I am an only child but...my mama bear worry is in overdrive, help!


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## caspian's mama

he sounds pretty content. casi (also 4.5) lets us know when he misses his pals and usually it's right around when we're getting cabin fever ourselves. i still stress sometimes, but i try to remember that dp and i are both pretty introverted, so it's natural that he might not be a major social butterfly.


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## QDB

Thanks for the reply - ya know the neighborhood kids were off school today and all he did was play with them. He was all of a sudden king social guy.

I think he has phases of introversion and then social phases. I just seem to lose all perspective sometimes and freak out over nothing which is a charming character trait!


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## caspian's mama

yeah, i always get recharged when i see him just walk up to an unknown kid at the park, introduce himself, and start trying to involve him/her in an activity. he's very self confident, he's just quieter about it.


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## Azuluna

Late to the party as always...anyone have an only older than five? Bonus points if you home/unschool. I could use some tips on keeping her entertained that don't involve hours of My Little Ponies, TV, or costly lessons. Try as I might, I just can't be a playmate like another child, which makes me feel guilty. This is actually the only thing that makes me doubt our decision to HS.

I have been TTC for a year now, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, and am now back to the idea of having just DD, and think that might be okay with me after all. Plus, TTC unsuccessfully sucks arse.

It's hard to resist baby lust, as ALL my social contacts have more than one kid. Pretty much all of my girlfriends are from the homeschool group we're part of, and I'm the only mama with one kiddo. Generally, someone is pg, TTC, has a darling wee babe, etc. I *am* human, with all the accompanying biological drives, and I do feel wistful for a better birth experience, to nurse again, baby smell, cute cloth diapers, the list is long. But logically, the list of reasons *not* to have another is longer.

I would go more into detail if I had the time right now - I'll have to sub and come back.


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## Azuluna

I reread my post and had to add - I in no way have a desire to re-live all the sucky moments. No tantrum fever, no potty training fever, no up all night fever, no can't take a shower or never having five minutes to myself fever. Just the sweet stuff.


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## Indigo73

I wish I could help. While my ds is going to be 6 in two months he goes to public school. So, can't give advice on that. He's also very self contained. His favorite activity is to come up to me and ask for an idea. Then he runs off for props and tells me a story. Currently his favorite props are the pieces from our Sorry game. He is so funny. He also an only for medical reasons so can't help there either.

I am just no help at all...


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## caspian's mama

casi will be 4.5 on 12/3 and we intend to home/unschool him as long as he wishes. he's definitely been on the computer WAY more than i'd like lately, which scares me a little because daddy has major aspergers tendencies and could zone to his laptop for hours on end. we need more structure in all areas of our lives and we need a regular weekly playgroup. generally, though, i feel pretty comfortable with where we're at/headed.


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## QDB

Well, Quinton is 4.5 but we too intend to homeschool and we are in kentucky too - Lexington to be exact.

I know what you mean about wavering somewhat on the only child decision - I am right there with you. But most days I resent the attention my cats need so I wonder about my second child coping mechanisms -


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
Warning: Emotional rambling to follow









So DD had her first birthday yesterday and I feel all weird about it. It feels really fast. Of course I'm incredibly grateful to have a happy and healthy child, but I just want to freeze some moments. It's one of the paradoxes of motherhood- wanting these things for your child that will cause such feelings of loss for yourself. Anyway, b/c she will be our only child it makes everything feel a bit sudden and sad. No more first smiles, words, crawling, etc. I'm just in this weird place b/c I know this is the right decision for our family. Our family feels complete and I really don't have a strong desire to do all of this again. But I do wish there was a way to re-live all of these wonderful experiences. And to be honest, part of me worries that one day in the future I'll be wishing for another...

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Occasionally. When I really think about it though, even if I had another child, these moments with my daughter are already gone. When I get down to it, I really don't want to have these moments with another child, rather to relive them with my own daughter. However, time machines don't exist, so I just have to accept what is done is done and look forward to the next big thing. There are absolutely an abundance of those even far into adulthood for your child.









No one can completely predict the future. You may decide that you do want another and that is fine. I think what would help is to inventory why you would want an only and why you would want a second. For me, every time I do this, the advantages of an only just outweigh having another 3:1.

Hormones can be hard to argue with. They don't realize this is 2007, infant and child mortality is extremely low, and that we don't have to be pregnant or nursing the vast majority of our adult lives to ensure the survival of the human race. Just have to keep that also in mind when you are struck with another case of baby rabies.


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## mama2zoe

"baby rabies" That really did make me LOL!


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## PhillyMama

Hi, other Mammas of One - I'm so glad to have found this tribe :->

My DD is 21-mos and people are asking when we'll have another. They seem appalled when we say we're one and done. My dad's wife is especially upset about it for some reason. Odd.

So it's nice to 'meet' other like-minded moms.


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## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama2zoe* 
"baby rabies" That really did make me LOL!

















:


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## Juliacat

I was just thinking about the pros and cons of doing it again.

I liked being pregnant, but I don't think I would like it so much while having to care for a child. I LOVED giving birth, but I can't top my previous birth experience. The only good thing about post-childbirth pain was the prescription for hydrocodone--not worth it. I am 100% committed to breastfeeding for all its benefits, but in practice I hate having my nipples touched. Newborn cloth diapers are the best, but again, not a very good justification for reproducing.









These are selfish reasons, but I can't think of a good reason not to be selfish. If I were already pregnant, I wouldn't have an abortion, but I can't think of very many good reasons to get pregnant.

I didn't like being an only child, but dd's childhood will be completely different from mine, for all sorts of reasons. Incidentally, my dad was an only child and he really liked it and he had both experiences as a parent (three kids with his first marriage, just me with my mother) and said he liked having an only child better.

Dh reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally only wants one child.

Something like a third of the world's population _already_ doesn't have access to clean water, and folks, this problem is not getting better.

Medical care, educational expenses, retirement. Blegh.


----------



## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Azuluna* 
Late to the party as always...anyone have an only older than five? Bonus points if you home/unschool. I could use some tips on keeping her entertained that don't involve hours of My Little Ponies, TV, or costly lessons. Try as I might, I just can't be a playmate like another child, which makes me feel guilty. This is actually the only thing that makes me doubt our decision to HS.

I have been TTC for a year now, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, and am now back to the idea of having just DD, and think that might be okay with me after all. Plus, TTC unsuccessfully sucks arse.

It's hard to resist baby lust, as ALL my social contacts have more than one kid. Pretty much all of my girlfriends are from the homeschool group we're part of, and I'm the only mama with one kiddo. Generally, someone is pg, TTC, has a darling wee babe, etc. I *am* human, with all the accompanying biological drives, and I do feel wistful for a better birth experience, to nurse again, baby smell, cute cloth diapers, the list is long. But logically, the list of reasons *not* to have another is longer.

I would go more into detail if I had the time right now - I'll have to sub and come back.

My dd is 7 and we homeschool. My dd is introverted so we don't have a high need for a homeschool group- which is good since we haven't found one nearby. She doesn't pine away to see other kids more often than we do.

We use a literature based curriculum and 5 day a week schedule because I felt it would help me to not feel so lost on what to do with dd. It's nice to have something definite planned even if homeschooling only takes up an hour or so daily. I usually spread it out throughout the day with 20 minute sessions per subject.

We get games and activities dd can do on her own.
Dd has her own computer (no internet access on it). If she wants to use the internet she has to use my computer and I sit in the room to supervise.
We have a Nintendo game cube that she plays with sometimes.
We spend time outside.
We did a free junior naturalist program at a nature refuge over the summer/fall. Places like that in your area might offer free or low cost programs for school age kids.
We have a dog, fish and 3 cats to take care of and play with.
Dd hangs out with me while I do household stuff. She likes to help cook.
I don't mind playing or chatting with dd. I tell her when I need a break.
We just canceled our satellite TV so dd only has dvd's to watch now. I let her choose things from Netflix as well as things we own. She is doing really well at entertaining herself without TV.

ideas-
homeschool group
playdates
scouts, 4H, or similar group
involvement in club- book, science, chess, choir/band
Big Brother/Big Sister
maybe an older child would agree to come play/babysit with your dc while you do your own thing
involvement in sport/team
You could do child care if you want to ensure your dd will be around other kids regularly.


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## insahmniak

re-subbing!

DD's 4.5 and just weaned (I think). I'm also back on progesterone supplements so my hormones are probably trying to take over again. In any case I have just noticed a very strong urge to conceive and carry and be a mom to another. DP's been snipped so it'd take a modern miracle, but gosh this is a strong urge. It's flooring me.

So here I am again to reconnect and get support and remind myself of all the reasons for having one.







:


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## caspian's mama

"I don't mind playing or chatting with dd. I tell her when I need a break." -kim

casi is _finally_ starting to get to this point; a little begrudgingly, but i hope it will only get better. he's always been good about playing alone, but it's when *he* feels like it, not always when mommy needs space of her own.

i like that you just flat out called her introverted. casi is too, which isn't really surprising since dp and i both are too. i think my family must believe introversion is a disease. they pretty much forced me to be social when i was little, even if i didn't want to. man, if casi wants to sit in the corner with a book for 3 straight hours, why on earth would i complain?? that's what i'd rather be doing myself than going to work!

julia, the stat i heard recently (from the "church of stop shopping") is that 20% of the world's people use 80% of the world's resources. i think i'm gonna become a vas-activist.









speaking of that, while i'm grateful that dp was so willing to undergo surgery so i didn't have to (no other bc was good for me, including iud), i've always wished there was another way. i heard recently that neem capsules (i forget if it's oil or leaf though) taken orally are supposed to be a 99% effective form of male bc. the studies were done on volunteers from the indian army. another method, though less effective, is for women to use it intravaginally as spermicide. we definitely don't want another child, so this may not have been the best option for us. for those of you looking for a less "final" (or less invasive) alternative to vasectomy, it might be something to research further.


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## cutekid

I am finally joining this thread. It looks like my DS will be only. He has a half brother and sister that are 5 and 7 years older than him. We just moved about 5 hours away from them so he is just my only.
Even with the big age gap I feel like he's an only when they are around.

I don't mean to highjack any conversations right now but I have a very pressing question.
My DS has co-slept with my DP and I since he was about 6 months old. Our DS is now three and since we have moved we are thinking about moving him into his own room. It seems that co-sleeping families with children close in age have an easier transition time with being able to have siblings share a bed.
I was wondering how other parents of only childern make the transition from co-sleeping to sleeping alone.

I have other concerns about staying an only parent. But I will get into those feelings after I have read more of this thread.


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## Juliacat

I just had one of those mornings where I am not only thankful I have only one child, I'm about an inch away from making an appointment to have my tubes tied. Anyone with me?


----------



## Juliacat

On the bright side, one of dd's videos has a scene showing a little girl walking hand-in-hand with her mother and her father, and it brought back memories of me walking hand-in-hand between my parents when I was a child, which made me happy about the three-person-family ideal.


----------



## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
I just had one of those mornings where I am not only thankful I have only one child, I'm about an inch away from making an appointment to have my tubes tied. Anyone with me?

I'm with ya! Or, I was there last week. This week I am back to being happy we have an only versus being in a no-way-are-we-having-more mindset, if that makes sense.


----------



## Copper

We homeschool our only who is 6. Sometimes I do second guess the homeschooling as she loves other kids and loves to be around them, have them over. Therefore we do gymnastics once a week, scouts, she is in 4-h and we attend the h.s. gyms a couple times a month. She is pretty willing to try anything new. We know one other homeschooling family with an only that girl is 9, but she is more into playing "dinosaurs and dragons" whereas dd loves her dolls, playing doctor/making tea.....they get along okay.

She is now asking for music lessons, specifically the flute or violin. This is a bit out of my league so we will have to think about it/look into it.

I am soo glad we only have her. I was recently ill for 6 weeks, 2 of which I was in the hospital and even transferred to via ambulance to a "big name hospital" hours from home. I worried about her but she held her own. My MIL informed me that she thought dd would cry and cry....but I really think homeschool has done so much for her and brought her so much confidence in herself...she did fabulous. The only time we all cried was the day we found out I was to be transferred there was a hayride with the group and I told them to go and not wait around with me. Me, dh and dd all cried a bit








Then they went and had a ball just like I asked.


----------



## insahmniak

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cutekid* 
I am finally joining this thread. It looks like my DS will be only. He has a half brother and sister that are 5 and 7 years older than him. We just moved about 5 hours away from them so he is just my only.
Even with the big age gap I feel like he's an only when they are around.

I don't mean to highjack any conversations right now but I have a very pressing question.
My DS has co-slept with my DP and I since he was about 6 months old. Our DS is now three and since we have moved we are thinking about moving him into his own room. It seems that co-sleeping families with children close in age have an easier transition time with being able to have siblings share a bed.
I was wondering how other parents of only childern make the transition from co-sleeping to sleeping alone.

I have other concerns about staying an only parent. But I will get into those feelings after I have read more of this thread.

I wanted to reply to your post. It's always been a concern of mine that our family love triangle be as healthy as possible. And it indeed has been an issue regarding DD's transition out of "our" bed. DD's 4.5 now and while we've coslept since birth, we've tried "the transition" a handful of times. (Seems like a lot.) ...with little "success." Part of what gets in the way is that DP and I have a really hard time thinking of her sleeping in her own room alone, while he and I cozy up and have each other - and yet we do miss having the bed to ourselves.

I understand limits and boundaries between couples and children. But honestly for the most part what we do in bed is sleep, just like she does. So we've tried to make accommodations. Right now she's in a loft bed above us (we sleep on the floor - always have - so it's a low loft). She falls asleep up there (reads to sleep). And the deal is that she can come down at any time in the night after she wakes up. She doesn't usually wake up until after 12 or 1, and then we hear the most precious whispers - "Dad? Is Mom there? Is it okay if I come down now?" DP says "Yes, of course." She slides down and crawls in and it's all love and wonderful snuggles, sometimes jokes and teasing, and LOTS of laughing and did I mention Love? So what I'm saying is I don't have the heart to kick her out and make her sleep alone. But moreover I'm really, really going to miss those great sleepy wonderful moments with her when she does go and I'm in no rush. DP, on the other hand.....


----------



## onlyzombiecat

ohmtaretu- That sounds really sweet!









We don't have room for dd in our bed so she only gets to share if dh is at work or out of town. She isn't that much fun to sleep with honestly. She shouts at me to stop snoring or I end up with a fist or foot in my spine most of the night.

We had dd in a crib in our room until 9 months. At 9 months she had her own room (next to ours). I'm a light sleeper so I could still hear her. At 2 years she started sleeping wherever. Between the ages of 3 and 5 dd wanted in our bed badly. We tried a mattress on the floor next to our bed. We got her a spiffy twin bed and bedding for her own room and that helped transition a bit. Sometimes I would lay down with her in her room until she fell asleep. After the age of 5 she didn't seem to have as much difficulty sleeping in her own bed and at age 7 almost always does.


----------



## mama kate

Someone *PLEASE* make the babylust *STOP*!!!!! I love it being the 3 of us but it seems "everyone" around us is having babies or pregnant or trying. ugh - DD talks about having a brother or sister all the time. It makes me so sad........... But I know in my heart our family is good the way it is. I love knowing that we can leave the house with just my purse & be good all day. I love that we can do cool things with her but miss those days of roly-poly bliss.
Will this yearning ever go away??


----------



## caspian's mama

i've always said that if casi ever asks for a sibling that's when we're getting a puppy or kitten asap.









i've found it helps to have loads of baby time. i'm blessed to have a pretty big circle of irl mamas who rock, so there's always someone adorable in the under-12mos crowd floating around gatherings. also, i work at our local wild oats, so i get to mess around with them when they come in to shop.







it's great to get that big ol' oxytocin rush... then send them back when they fuss.


----------



## devster4fun

Hey caspian's mama and all mamas of onlies...we have a new addition to the devster4fun family....

An adorable, 8 week old kitten named Baxter.


----------



## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
i've always said that if casi ever asks for a sibling that's when we're getting a puppy or kitten asap.









Or a guinea pig? I'm still on the fence about #2, but dh is completely against another. So, we may adopt one day, but we're at one for now.

I've debated doing child care for a wee child when dd gets a bit older, just to calm down those baby pangs. I think that if I didn't have to do night time parenting, I would be a better caretaker of an under-12-monther. However, I work p/t and it is nice to have dd on my own the days that I am at home. We'll see.


----------



## caspian's mama

y'know, with a buildup like that, i kind of expect photos.

*drumming fingers*


----------



## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
y'know, with a buildup like that, i kind of expect photos.

*drumming fingers*

Ok, Ok...I just didn't want to come off like a braggart or something.







We feel Baxter is very gifted for an 8-10 week old kitty. We're all about AP for kitty cats and we would never, never let him CIO.







I gotta vax him though, or the Humane Soc. could take him back!

This is Baxter attempting to get along with Chloe.

Baxter basking in the sunshine

Playing in DD's book collection

Video of DD and Baxter The first part is just DD playing with paper, then Baxter arrives on the scene.

Seriously, the kitten had fufilled ANY baby-fever I might have been having. The mornings are like a 3-ring circus. (Even though I'm against and boycott all circuses)


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
The mornings are like a 3-ring circus. (Even though I'm against and boycott all circuses)











he's a damned cute little kitty. and your daughter is SO adorable too!

unfortunately, now i have kitten-lust.


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## lisalou

DP would kill me if we got another cat but Baxter is soooo cute.

Actually what killed any remaining baby lust in me was driving dd and a friend of hers to her preschool's senior sing for the holidays. In the backseat the entire way there dd would say something like, "Excuuuuse me, I walked into your mitten." *giggle giggle* then her friend would say, "Excuuuuse me, I walked into your nose." *giggle giggle* ad infinitum Now to be fair it was cute in small doses and didn't have that sibling annoyance undertone that I recall from my childhood. However, I just had flashbacks to my sister and I riding in the backseat doing our "She's touching me!" routine. I became very grateful I won't have to go through that as a parent.


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## Sonnenwende

Aw, your kitten is very cute, Dev!

I had another baby killing moment at work yesterday. A woman comes in with what looks like a 3-4 year old and a about 3-5 month old. The kid is babbling about something he wants. His mother says "Well, Santa might bring that so we are not getting that today." Her child has a complete and total, 100% freakout, meltdown. You would swear he was being impaled. He woke his sibling up and he/she started screaming. The mother looked like she wanted to kill herself. I just thought "Vasectomies are fabulous things...".


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## rambunctiouscurls

What an adorable kitty you got there. I'm jealous!
I also love how well your dd plays with Baxter. Mine just Cannot resist the urge to yank our cat's tail! so they have to be separated the majority of the time.


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## onlyzombiecat

I didn't have baby lust but we got a puppy last year.
We had 6 kittens and some adult cats before that.
Maybe that is how I've escaped having any baby lust.


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## katheek77

Remind me I only want one...and that you can't pre-order them at 18mos old.

DD has hit the "cute" stage. The "hey, we went to the company party last night, and she was being social, and eating food, and dancing, and charming everyone, and, oh, look at her...she's learned how to give eskimo kisses and hugs, and calls the puppy...oh, look at her pick out books, and bring me dollies to nurse (even though I EP)...oh, watch her play with the other kids...let's have another!"









The first year was hell. Literally. Must...keep...reminding...myself of that. It's taken almost 18 mos to get to this stage...I don't REALLY want another...I can't imagine BF'ing/pumping (I have tubular breasts, so, it's somewhat doubtful that I'd produce enough the next time around, even though I know production tends to increase with sub. pregs - even if I got 50% more, it wouldn't be enough during growth spurts.) for ANOTHER 18-24 mos - still going with Katie.... I can't imagine another "first year" of just wishing the baby would "grow up a little"...I can't imagine dealing with a newborn AND a toddler/pre-schooler (where's the loaded gun to head smilie????). Blech.

Maybe *I* need another dog...or a pet rock. I think that's the way to go. I need to find a rock, paint it, name it something cutesy....


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
Maybe *I* need another dog...or a pet rock. I think that's the way to go. I need to find a rock, paint it, name it something cutesy....


How about Rocky?


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## NYCVeg

So...am I the only one who has no baby lust whatsoever?







None. I hold a little baby and think, "Aw, how cute." And then I think about how glad I am that I'll never have to do that again.

I love dd to pieces, but another child would literally kill me.


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## Kayaking Mama

I can't say that I have any baby lust at the moment. Oddly enough I do feel nostalgic about being pregnant...but not at all about the newborn phase. I just find that DS is so much fun right now, and more fun every day--he's becoming such a PERSON, kwim?


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
So...am I the only one who has no baby lust whatsoever?







None. I hold a little baby and think, "Aw, how cute." And then I think about how glad I am that I'll never have to do that again.

I love dd to pieces, but another child would literally kill me.

Right there with you. (Well, another baby wouldn't literally kill me, but I do believe it would kill my sanity and the sense of balance I keep striving for.) I actually love holding babies -- how can you not? -- but then I always think, "Oh, and the endless crying, and the way I always felt on edge, the crazy-making fatigue, the loneliness, the isolation, the nursing troubles, the sheer monotony of it all....." And the fact that I can still remember all that so vividly usually does it for me!

I actually startled myself last night with how strongly pro-only I am right now. DH has been having a lot of difficulties with his brother, and for some reason, this prompted DH to suddenly say last night, "I dunno, maybe we SHOULD have another baby." UM, WHAT?!?!!? Even though I sometimes wonder what having a second would be like, I was really surprised at how easily and how strongly I could enumerate all the ebenfits of just quitting while we're ahead and loving what we've got.







Fortunately, DH was back to normal this morning.


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## mom2PJS

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
Right there with you. (Well, another baby wouldn't literally kill me, but I do believe it would kill my sanity and the sense of balance I keep striving for.) I actually love holding babies -- how can you not? -- but then I always think, "Oh, and the endless crying, and the way I always felt on edge, the crazy-making fatigue, the loneliness, the isolation, the nursing troubles, the sheer monotony of it all....." And the fact that I can still remember all that so vividly usually does it for me!

I actually startled myself last night with how strongly pro-only I am right now. DH has been having a lot of difficulties with his brother, and for some reason, this prompted DH to suddenly say last night, "I dunno, maybe we SHOULD have another baby." UM, WHAT?!?!!? Even though I sometimes wonder what having a second would be like, I was really surprised at how easily and how strongly I could enumerate all the ebenfits of just quitting while we're ahead and loving what we've got.







Fortunately, DH was back to normal this morning.









Yeah that. I feel so overwhelmed with one at times. I'm just curious... How many of you consider your only to be Spirited/ High Needs? Mine has always been, although we had decided before she was born that we were pretty sure we only wanted one, so it has not been the reason for our decision. It certainly reaffirms it at times. I wouldn't have her any other way, it's so fun and exhausting.


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## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
So...am I the only one who has no baby lust whatsoever?







None. I hold a little baby and think, "Aw, how cute." And then I think about how glad I am that I'll never have to do that again.

I love dd to pieces, but another child would literally kill me.

I've never had any baby lust.
I smile at babies but am happy not to have another of my own.


----------



## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2PJS* 
Yeah that. I feel so overwhelmed with one at times. I'm just curious... How many of you consider your only to be Spirited/ High Needs? Mine has always been, although we had decided before she was born that we were pretty sure we only wanted one, so it has not been the reason for our decision. It certainly reaffirms it at times. I wouldn't have her any other way, it's so fun and exhausting.

My dd is spirited/high needs.
We decided before she was a year old that we weren't going to have more. Looking back she was easy as a baby compared to everything after the age of 2.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2PJS* 
Yeah that. I feel so overwhelmed with one at times. I'm just curious... How many of you consider your only to be Spirited/ High Needs? Mine has always been, although we had decided before she was born that we were pretty sure we only wanted one, so it has not been the reason for our decision. It certainly reaffirms it at times. I wouldn't have her any other way, it's so fun and exhausting.

I don't think dd is high needs. In many ways, she's very easy-going (she is a toddler, so she does have her moments!).

We did/do have our fair share of other issues--severe, long-term nursing problems; PPD; and dd has extensive and serious food allergies.

But I don't think that stuff would matter to me so much IF I wanted another child. And I know plenty of people who had spirited/high needs first children who went on to have more.


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## konamama

family of three and happy with that choice! dd is 4.5, don't crave more and don't have baby lust, at all ) she is mellow, easy to chill with, fun to hang with, great to travel with, what more could we want?!
just checking in...


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2PJS* 
Yeah that. I feel so overwhelmed with one at times. I'm just curious... How many of you consider your only to be Spirited/ High Needs? Mine has always been, although we had decided before she was born that we were pretty sure we only wanted one, so it has not been the reason for our decision. It certainly reaffirms it at times. I wouldn't have her any other way, it's so fun and exhausting.

DD is a very spirited child. I thought I was going to lose my everloving mind throughout most of her first 18 months, and while it has gotten a little better, she's still a tough little nut. I hate to say it, but I really believe that if she had been a "normal" more easygoing kid, we would probably have decided to have another. Sleep is the main thing -- she has fought sleep since day one, and it's always been an issue. I'm actually sitting here, typing this painfully slowly and silently because she just might be falling asleep for a nap right now (so rare!) and I don't want to risk waking/arousing her!









Now here's another question: Another factor in our decision to have an only is that DH and I both work full-time, and that's not going to change. Why have another when we won't have any more time than we have now to spend with our child(ren)? We would just be spreading ourselves even more thinly than we already are. So, how many of you work outside the home?


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
So, how many of you work outside the home?

For probably the next 1-2 years, I am going to be working full-time outside of the home. For my daughter's first year, I was a full-time SAHM. Afterwards, I went back to work both full and part-time. Right now, I am working full-time.

My husband is a temporary SAHD. He just came to the US in September and he is still working on getting a driver's license. He should have it at the first of the month, but until then, there is no public transport here and my work schedule is weird like every one else's, so he is pretty much stuck at home at the moment. For the past month, he has been doing most of the child care.

He thought at first that he might be a good SAHD. He is, but it is a lot of stress and isolation for him. He told me the other night that he would rather work at McDonald's than spend all of his time at home with our daughter bored and feeling a little useless.

So as soon as we are moved in February, he is going to work full-time and I probably am too until our daughter can start early ed or K-4 at a language immersion school.

A SAHP is important to us especially during the entire pregnancy and the first year. The second, we feel it is best, but not all important. After the start of the third, it is better for the child to spend more time socializing with other children for a good part of the day. This is particularly true as we are raising her bilingual and we want plenty of reinforcement not only inside, but outside the home.

Because of our thoughts on the SAH thing during pregnancy and first year and given the fact that we have no interest on going through all of that again, this does factor somewhat into why we are not having it anymore. Once dropping out was enough for us. Plus SAH is apparently neither one of ours cups of tea. We both find it boring and isolating and although we think it is best for our child, we don't think it is best for us as adults, so not doing it again.


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## mom2PJS

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
My dd is spirited/high needs.
We decided before she was a year old that we weren't going to have more. Looking back she was easy as a baby compared to everything after the age of 2.

Oh please don't tell me this. She's almost 2. At least she sleeps some now. We were only awake from 1:30 until 4:00 last night.
But I have to say that the strong will is getting stronger. I was just hoping when we were able to reason a bit more...


----------



## mom2PJS

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
Now here's another question: Another factor in our decision to have an only is that DH and I both work full-time, and that's not going to change. Why have another when we won't have any more time than we have now to spend with our child(ren)? We would just be spreading ourselves even more thinly than we already are. So, how many of you work outside the home?

This does impact my decision. DH actually took off for a year and would do it again and more if we wanted more kids. I'm a firefighter so my job is often very physically demanding. I work long shifts 48-72 hours outside the home. Consequently I have a lot of time off with my family, but nursing and pumping and being away from my LO was really hard and even more exhausting and I knew that she should have momma every night. Basically my husband is a single parent 10 out of 30 days a month. I don't think he could parent 2 effectively, especially if they both were as strong-willed as this one. Unfortunately I make more than 2x the money as a school teacher, and my job fully pays benefits for the whole fam, so we can't do it the other way.


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## EnviroBecca

No baby lust here! I've never been really into babies. I like preschoolers and older kids. Pregnancy and raising an infant were fascinating experiences, but I don't really want to go through them again. I'm thrilled that my kid is finally a KID!









What I do itch for at times is a larger group of descendants, more different combinations of my partner and me. What's most interesting about siblings to me is the ways they're simultaneously alike and different. But I don't think I'm interested enough to have more kids....

I WOH. I was part-time when my son was 3-18 months old. Now I'm back to full-time. I love my job, and I think I'm a better mom when I have some time away from my child. I think spending some time in a group of kids is good for him, too. He's been going to a childcare center since just after he turned 2; before that, he went to a small home childcare where he had the focused attention, single caregiver, and in-arms time he needed. We would not be able to afford that type of care for a second child if we had one before EnviroKid is in public school...and by then, we'll be able to do so many things as a family that he's not ready for now and that we couldn't do with a baby!

I don't think of my child as high-needs. His first month was very difficult, but then he calmed down a lot and has been about average in neediness, I think.


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## WonderWild

HI! I'm a mom of an only. We are not going to have more children through our own choosing. We love our ds so, so much and we just feel so complete with just him. We have no baby lust at all. However, I was jealous of the neighbor who just had her baby. I was only jealous though that she got to be off work for maternity leave and had an excuse to take frequent naps.


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## caspian's mama

ds is super-spirited, but that's not a deterrent. if anything, i'd do it again because my chances of having 2 high needs in a row are more slim... right??







plus, i'd already be expecting the second child to be constantly nursing, in-arms, et cetera, so it wouldn't be a shock. in many ways, i feel like the everyday stuff would be easier because of the been-there-done-that factor, but who knows?

i also don't like the idea of being "restricted" by an infant. we get to do so much more "cool stuff" now that we've got a bigger kid in the house. baking cookies together this morning was the highlight of my entire week... and tomorrow we get to frost 'em.









anyway, dp got a vasectomy when casi turned 1 and we've never looked back since.


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## QDB

My ds is so against having any brothers and sisters - it is pretty amazing. I hear stories of other kids begging for siblings and he just never has been that way.

Enjoy those cookies!


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## WonderWild

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QDB* 
My ds is so against having any brothers and sisters - it is pretty amazing. I hear stories of other kids begging for siblings and he just never has been that way.

Enjoy those cookies!









Yeah, I'm pretty sure my ds is happy with the way things are too. Whenever I babysit my brother's baby he's always asking "when can this baby go home?"


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## WonderWild

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
ds is super-spirited, but that's not a deterrent. if anything, i'd do it again because my chances of having 2 high needs in a row are more slim... right??







plus, i'd already be expecting the second child to be constantly nursing, in-arms, et cetera, so it wouldn't be a shock. in many ways, i feel like the everyday stuff would be easier because of the been-there-done-that factor, but who knows?

i also don't like the idea of being "restricted" by an infant. we get to do so much more "cool stuff" now that we've got a bigger kid in the house. baking cookies together this morning was the highlight of my entire week... and tomorrow we get to frost 'em.









anyway, dp got a vasectomy when casi turned 1 and we've never looked back since.









I should bake some cookies with my ds. That sounds yummy!







:


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## cutekid

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ohmtaretu* 
I wanted to reply to your post. It's always been a concern of mine that our family love triangle be as healthy as possible. And it indeed has been an issue regarding DD's transition out of "our" bed. DD's 4.5 now and while we've coslept since birth, we've tried "the transition" a handful of times. (Seems like a lot.) ...with little "success." Part of what gets in the way is that DP and I have a really hard time thinking of her sleeping in her own room alone, while he and I cozy up and have each other - and yet we do miss having the bed to ourselves.
.......

We have the same feelings. Who are we to make our child sleep alone. Part of the reason we started co-sleeping was because my DP didn't like the idea of having our DS sleep alone. Our DS had been sleeping in his crib, in his room since birth. His sleep got disrupted around 5 months of age and I started bringing him to bed with him on occasion. THe next thing I knew my DP was asking me where I was taking our son when I getting him ready for bed.

As for Baby fever, I get it every time I see baby stuff. I always have since I was a little girl. However, when I think of all the cool stuff my DS can do, and the fact I am about to start working Full time in the next year or so keeps from wanting another.
At this point a mini van is optional..although nice when my Step-kids are with us. I don't have to deal with sibling rivalry on a daily basis. I couldn't imagine having to deal with the constant bickering of two childern who simply couldn't get along. Most of my friends are knee deep in sibling rivalry issues and I am running as far as I can.

My DS was an easy baby. He spoiled me from ever wanting to have another child. Imagine everything going just right. Few sleep issues, a good nursing relationship, easy car rider.
The tide has t urned. I live a demanding three year old who is way to big for his pants. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and tell his dad to do what ever he wants the mommy is checking out. THen my DS smiles at me or does something cute and those feelings are gone.

Denise


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## Agnes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
I've never had any baby lust.
I smile at babies but am happy not to have another of my own.

I'm with you. I love babies - especially when I give them back. I have no doubt at all about wanting to stick with an only child.


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## caspian's mama

casi got a 4g ipod nano on solstice morning. i







spoiling my only!!!!!


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
casi got a 4g ipod nano on solstice morning. i







spoiling my only!!!!!























Sweet!

We had such a fun day....we bought DD her first playkitchen. She's 20 months and it was amazing to watch.

We gave her a certain stuffed animal (puppet) I knew she would love. It was priceless to watch her reaction. It made my heart melt. It makes me look forward to future celebrations, for sure.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
Sweet!

We had such a fun day....we bought DD her first playkitchen. She's 20 months and it was amazing to watch.

We gave her a certain stuffed animal (puppet) I knew she would love. It was priceless to watch her reaction. It made my heart melt. It makes me look forward to future celebrations, for sure.













































Sweet! We really didn't buy our daughter anything. Everyone else did that for us. She is the only everything on both sides of the family, so my work was done before it began.

I think yesterday she got her best gift: A complete Duplo set for $6.99 from Goodwill. Absolutely loves it.


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## WonderWild

I had my 9 year old niece stay over on Saturday night. After church Sunday morning we went to the grocery store for holiday food shopping. OMG it was so crazy!! Any time I babysit I am reminded that I am not meant to have more than one child.







My ds kept climbing out of the little car/cart to goof off with his cousin. She kept getting in my way. I swear every time I turned anywhere, there she was!! Both of them started goofing off and running in the isles. I felt like the isles were closing in on me! I didn't even get everything on my list. I just had to get them out of there.









But, we went home and made cookies and we had a blast. I let them go crazy with the icing and sprinkles.


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## konamama

i'm good with our one dd but she would LOVE a sibling, she wants to be a big sister so bad and would be really good at it - lucky she isn't the one making those decisions.


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## Tera_&_Gibson

Hi all! I am pretty new to the forums here and hadn't seen this thread yet.

We have an only DS. He's 5 and we homeschool. We are super happy with just one.

I was a gestational surrogate twice for the same couple so I got to be pregnant again. Which I love









Nice to see so many Moms of onlies. I am lucky to have a good friend who has an only DS almost the same age as my son.


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## caspian's mama

thanks for sharing your surrogacy experience. i have already been approached by one dear friend who i agreed to help, when/if the time comes. there are definitely a few other women in my life who, if they asked, i would not hesitate for long to also try to assist. i hope it has been a blessing for you all.


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## Tera_&_Gibson

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
thanks for sharing your surrogacy experience. i have already been approached by one dear friend who i agreed to help, when/if the time comes. there are definitely a few other women in my life who, if they asked, i would not hesitate for long to also try to assist. i hope it has been a blessing for you all.









It truly was a blessing for everyone. We still talk alot, exchange pictures, and are planning a trip together. If you ever want to talk more about surrogacy or what not feel free to send me a pm. Good luck with your journey


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## Juliacat

Dh was just saying again last night how dead-set he is against ever having another kid, what a horrible idea it would be, etc.

I don't exactly want to have another child, it's just that I didn't like being an only child, myself, and I feel bad making dd do it. And I want my grandchildren to have cousins.

I'll probably never get off the fence.


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## WonderWild

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
Dh was just saying again last night how dead-set he is against ever having another kid, what a horrible idea it would be, etc.

I don't exactly want to have another child, it's just that I didn't like being an only child, myself, and I feel bad making dd do it. And I want my grandchildren to have cousins.

I'll probably never get off the fence.









My dh is the same way. As far as being on the fence I know exactly what you are talking about. Last night I was watching True Life of MTV about 2 young mothers each having a baby. When I saw the cute little newborns at the end I was all like "awww how sweet. I would love to be holding a newborn right now." However, I just know that it would not be good for my marriage or my mental/emotional stability to add another child.


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## rupiezum

So, I've been mulling this one over, and I thought I'd toss it out to the tribe - who would understand what I'm saying and feeling without jumping all over me!









How do you all deal with friends with multiple kids when it comes to birthdays, playdates, etc? Let me explain... we made a number of friends who were also first time mothers when our DCs were small. As time has gone on, these friends have gone on to have one or more other children. Now when we get together, it's not just DD (who's five) and her playmate, it's also the younger sibling(s). And my house is not babyproofed anymore, nor do I have a lot of toys for babies. So DD and her playmate will be doing their thing, and I'm left entertaining the mama and her small one(s).

Or when we were planning a birthday party, we'd invite her playmates and then all of a sudden we'd have multiple extra small children tagging along, and we'd have to figure out some way to entertain the little ones and give them some sort of goodies.

I'm just trying to sort my feelings out here. I'm feeling slightly resentful - at playgrounds, I end up watching out for other people's kids, because they have too many to watch themselves, for example. Do you guys get what I'm meaning/feeling? I don't _want_ to feel resentful or put upon, but I _am_ feeling that way. How do I get past that and maintain these friendships?


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## Juliacat

Maybe take pity on the ladies who have too many kids and feel grateful that you only have to deal with this on playdates and not 24/7?


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## WonderWild

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
So, I've been mulling this one over, and I thought I'd toss it out to the tribe - who would understand what I'm saying and feeling without jumping all over me!









How do you all deal with friends with multiple kids when it comes to birthdays, playdates, etc? Let me explain... we made a number of friends who were also first time mothers when our DCs were small. As time has gone on, these friends have gone on to have one or more other children. Now when we get together, it's not just DD (who's five) and her playmate, it's also the younger sibling(s). And my house is not babyproofed anymore, nor do I have a lot of toys for babies. So DD and her playmate will be doing their thing, and I'm left entertaining the mama and her small one(s).

Or when we were planning a birthday party, we'd invite her playmates and then all of a sudden we'd have multiple extra small children tagging along, and we'd have to figure out some way to entertain the little ones and give them some sort of goodies.

I'm just trying to sort my feelings out here. I'm feeling slightly resentful - at playgrounds, I end up watching out for other people's kids, because they have too many to watch themselves, for example. Do you guys get what I'm meaning/feeling? I don't _want_ to feel resentful or put upon, but I _am_ feeling that way. How do I get past that and maintain these friendships?










I haven't really had this problem. When we have people over with smaller kids we still have our baby gates from when ds was little and use those to keep the little ones in with the adults. We also can usually find some of ds's toys that are baby proof enough for a little one to play with.


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
Maybe take pity on the ladies who have too many kids and feel grateful that you only have to deal with this on playdates and not 24/7?

I think what's causing these feelings of resentment is that they all just assume that since I have only one, it's no problem for me to chase after their kids for them. Do you know what I mean? Like I'll be asked if I'm going to a storytime at the library, for example, and then hear, "Oh good, I'll need some help."

I didn't have multiple kids for a number of reasons, but one of them was so that DD wouldn't have to compete with others for my attention. KWIM?


----------



## mean_jeannie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
I think what's causing these feelings of resentment is that they all just assume that since I have only one, it's no problem for me to chase after their kids for them. Do you know what I mean? Like I'll be asked if I'm going to a storytime at the library, for example, and then hear, "Oh good, I'll need some help."

I didn't have multiple kids for a number of reasons, but one of them was so that DD wouldn't have to compete with others for my attention. KWIM?


I think you should be kind but upfront with whichever friends are thinking about you in this way. The next time a friend assumes you can help because you have an only, gently tell her (him) something like, "Well, I'll help if I can, but I'm looking forward to sharing that time with my child, too." Or, "I'm happy to help keep an eye out for your kids but you know I still have my own to watch out for!" Otherwise you may just have all this resentment building up and you will lose that friendship for sure. And if your friends can't respect that , what kind of friends are those?

Just as a funny aside, I'm having sort of the opposite problem. My only is the littlest (by five years) of all my friends' kids so I have to deal with taking him to homes that are not babyproofed, filled with inappropriate toys for him, overly raucous playmates, etc., lol!

ETA: P.S. Hi, my name is Jeannie! This is my first time posting in this tribe. My ds is 20 mos and totally crazy (you know, toddlerhood). We are pretty sure (90%) he will be an only. Like many pp said, three is cozy, we are able to offer him so much more, I am getting too old to have a second anyway, I love focusing on just him, more would be expensive, there are already lots of people on Earth, etc.


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## WonderWild

Ugh. I just bought my ds way too many toys for his upcoming bday. I ordered them online. I hope they make it here on time.


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## caspian's mama

are the people expecting free childcare from you Friends or Acquaintances? because my friends and i all just treat eachother's kids almost like our own, depending on which grownup is closest.









i don't know. i feel like, even before i became a parent, i'd occasionally find myself disciplining random kids. people often let their kids tear up my department at work while they're not paying a lick of attention to them, so i even end up "parenting" while i'm there.







:

usually i get cranky about it but, especially with customers' kids, sometimes i remember that maybe i'm one of the few authoritative voices they've heard in their short little lives. if i'm making an impression on someone who might otherwise be headed to full-blown delinquency, that eases the pain a bit.

on a regular basis, though, i think i'd just say something a little disguised-snippy like "wow, you've got your hands full! maybe you should hire a mother's helper" and walk away to where your own kid is playing.


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## zansmama

Oh, I guess I'd better join this tribe.
Ds is 4 1/2 yo now, and dp really doesn't want any more kids. (but I do!)
This has been hard for me to accept that ds may be an only child, because i really love my three sisters, and ds is SO sociable. He really, really wants a sibling, and he asks why he doesn't have one, and sort of fantasizes about it. I guess I just really feel like it's a natural thing in our human family to have lots of little kids around. We have tried to create that by having friends over a lot, but there's a lot of time where ds is the only kid in the house (of course).
Also, I feel like he gets in trouble more with dp than he would if there were other little ones being mischievous too, kwim? There's so much more focus on him than there would be if there were siblings: he'd be able to fool around unnoticed sometimes...

oh, and to answer earlier questions:
Major baby lust








ds is not high-needs_ pretty easy-going, actually
we both work part-time, but have not yet needed childcare, and may homeschool.


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## rupiezum

thanks for the helpful advice, everyone.







Partially I am just feeling this way because I am less patient at this time of year, I think...


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## lisalou

Well as a result of this Christmas I now know MIL is disappointed we're only having one. I couldn't believe she told my SIL that her second child was lucky b/c she entered "more of a family" while her first might be difficult since he had less of a family when he was born. I'd never encountered an attitude that somehow we were less parents or less of a family by only having one IRL before. DP quickly jumped all over it and MIL backtracked and pointed out she was an only.







:


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## Sonnenwende

Wow, that was incredibly rude of your MIL, lisalou. I am glad your DP put her back in her place.

Quote:

We have tried to create that by having friends over a lot, but there's a lot of time where ds is the only kid in the house (of course).
4.5 is old enough to start having structured activities right? Like soccer or swimming lessons, that kind of thing? That may help some too.


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## WonderWild

My ds turned 5 today.









Every year on the day I started labor 1/1 and on his bday 1/2 I count down exactly what I was doing during his labor & birth. It starts as soon as I wake up on the day I started labor. I remember the time it was when I headed off to the hospital. The exact time when they threatened me with csect. Then on his bday I celebrate the exact moment he was born. It's so fun!


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## mean_jeannie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *garrettsmommy* 
My ds turned 5 today.









Every year on the day I started labor 1/1 and on his bday 1/2 I count down exactly what I was doing during his labor & birth. It starts as soon as I wake up on the day I started labor. I remember the time it was when I headed off to the hospital. The exact time when they threatened me with csect. Then on his bday I celebrate the exact moment he was born. It's so fun!

Happy birthday to the "sweet monkey boy!"


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## woaters

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
So, I've been mulling this one over, and I thought I'd toss it out to the tribe - who would understand what I'm saying and feeling without jumping all over me!









How do you all deal with friends with multiple kids when it comes to birthdays, playdates, etc? Let me explain... we made a number of friends who were also first time mothers when our DCs were small. As time has gone on, these friends have gone on to have one or more other children. Now when we get together, it's not just DD (who's five) and her playmate, it's also the younger sibling(s). And my house is not babyproofed anymore, nor do I have a lot of toys for babies. So DD and her playmate will be doing their thing, and I'm left entertaining the mama and her small one(s).

Or when we were planning a birthday party, we'd invite her playmates and then all of a sudden we'd have multiple extra small children tagging along, and we'd have to figure out some way to entertain the little ones and give them some sort of goodies.

I'm just trying to sort my feelings out here. I'm feeling slightly resentful - at playgrounds, I end up watching out for other people's kids, because they have too many to watch themselves, for example. Do you guys get what I'm meaning/feeling? I don't _want_ to feel resentful or put upon, but I _am_ feeling that way. How do I get past that and maintain these friendships?










haha
I think I know, but I really noticed this Christmas....EVERYONE has more than one child in our family/circle....so I felt a little frustrated while shopping!


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *woaters* 
haha
I think I know, but I really noticed this Christmas....EVERYONE has more than one child in our family/circle....so I felt a little frustrated while shopping!

Exactly.







It's a low-grade, nothing-to-be-done-about-it kind of thing. It is what it is, but at times it's frustrating!


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## mom2PJS

Last night at bedtime DH and I were both reading stories and snuggling with DD. She was loving it. I just couldn't help reflecting upon how divided our attention (and energy) would be with another one. It felt so nice to cuddle one little girl between the 2 of us. I think when she's 20 I'll want another one


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## zansmama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2PJS* 
Last night at bedtime DH and I were both reading stories and snuggling with DD... It felt so nice to cuddle one little girl between the 2 of us. I think when she's 20 I'll want another one









Yeah, we've been having a lot of cuddly mornings and LOVING them.

I guess that's the difference with me, though: I can't help thinking how much more fun it would be with another little cuddler...
Ds has been asking again for a baby, and told me: "Well, mama, if you notice you're getting fat, maybe there will be a baby in there!"









I have a question here: how many of us only child mamas are only children ourselves?
Me: 3 sisters.


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## devster4fun

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zansmama* 
Yeah, we've been having a lot of cuddly mornings and LOVING them.

I guess that's the difference with me, though: I can't help thinking how much more fun it would be with another little cuddler...
Ds has been asking again for a baby, and told me: "Well, mama, if you notice you're getting fat, maybe there will be a baby in there!"









I have a question here: how many of us only child mamas are only children ourselves?
Me: 3 sisters.

DD is shot out of cannon in the mornings. It's like she goes from stumbling around, half asleep to running in about 30 seconds.

I am only child and have an only. My parents always just wanted one. They explained their reasons to me when I would ask why I didn't have a brother or sister. I remember them telling about the desire to be able to provide as best they could (financially) for one person. But, they were very careful to raise me in an appreciative/AP"ish"/nature loving way.

As an only, there is no doubt some of my characteristics were shaped because I was an only child. How could it not...but then I look at my DH's huge family and they're all so different. He and his sister could not be more different. Yet, they were raised by the same people in essentially the same way.

My Dh LOVES to remind me that my 1st grade report card reports I was, "bossy."


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## EnviroBecca

Quote:

Every year on the day I started labor 1/1 and on his bday 1/2 I count down exactly what I was doing during his labor & birth. It starts as soon as I wake up on the day I started labor. I remember the time it was when I headed off to the hospital. The exact time when they threatened me with csect. Then on his bday I celebrate the exact moment he was born. It's so fun!








Me too! The night of his birthday, I watch him sleep and think about falling in love with him on his very first night. I marvel at how he's changed over the year and remember the wonder of getting to see him for the first time. I suppose moms of many can do that, too, but it seems like it can't be as special.

Happy birthday to Garrett!


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## eccomama

well i'm a single mom of one. i am not sure i want anymore even if i remarry. dd is high maintenance, very spirited, draining, demanding, etc. i wouldn't trader dd for the world but with working full time and taking care of her 75% of the time, I am not sure if I would have enough energy leftover for #2.

of course people ask but at least I can joke and say I need a sperm donor first. LOL.


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## katheek77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
My Dh LOVES to remind me that my 1st grade report card reports I was, "bossy."









I have a kindergarten report card where I received "outstanding" in every category except one....I received "needs improvement" in "shares and takes turns"









I have a younger (2.5 yrs younger) sister.

My DH has a kindy report card in which he is admonished for not participating in "circle time". As he puts it, "They put paper plates on their heads and danced around. It was stupid. I wasn't doing it" (I have no idea what the plates were for, and, neither, apparently, did he).

DH has one living sister (6 yrs younger) and an older (4yrs) brother who died when DH was 14. (And three dead at/right after birth siblings before he was born).

It's not just onlies who are anti-social


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## kangamitroo

subbing here. sensing that i will get a lot from the discussions in this thread. in 2 days my dd will be 4. prior to my first pregnancy i thought she would have a sibling about now. but i find that the idea of facing the sleep deprivation scares the heck out of me! i am not ready to face how crabby i will be to dd, as i always am when sleep-deprived (like today, since she wanted to tell me stories at 2am).

i'm tired of hearing han only children are weird or maladjusted, and it is comforting to have some place to commisserate.

i loved pregnancy, and want a chance to birth at home. but dh struggles with manic depression, and our family can't handle another baby now.

the hard part is that dd asks when she will have a brother and sister. and as an adult i see how important siblings can be....yet in an equal number of cases, siblings are troublesome.

so, there's my rant. i have no idea what the future holds, but now i need the support.


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## westcoastma

I'm in on this tribe









I'm a Mom to my one-and-only, 4 months old. Not to say I'm not ever going to have any more... just not now. We're good.

Nice to connect with other women in similar situations. Nice to meet y'all!!


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## POPupTheVolume

westcoastma said:


> I'm in on this tribe
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> me too!
> 
> I want another child, but 'not now' and this 'not now' goes on and on ...
Click to expand...


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## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zansmama* 

I have a question here: how many of us only child mamas are only children ourselves?
Me: 3 sisters.

I have 2 siblings.
Dh grew up with 2 siblings and has 2 siblings that are our dd's age.

I wonder about some people who keep having children but don't seem to enjoy being around them much or expect others to take care of their kids all the time.


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## mama2zoe

I'm an only with an only. My dh has 3 brothers, but he doesn't get along with them very well and that was one of his major motivators for having an only. I always wanted a sibling when I was a kid, but now that I'm an adult I don't feel that I'm missing anyone (sibling-wise). I too always pictured having two kids, before actually having one. I feel like we hit the jackpot with dd and I love the freedom of only having one, especially as she gets older. Plus because I'm an only I know how important our mother-daughter (and father-daughter) bond will be. I feel like another baby would interfere with that (and it would!) Since deciding to be a family of three I just feel more and more confident we are making the right decision for our family. If dd wants a lot of people in her life who are very closely related to her she can have lots of her own children some day









Oh, and the stuff about only children being maladjusted is such hogwash. There are almost unlimited amounts of circumstances and genetics that go into making an individual. To even entertain the idea that the mere fact of being an only makes you turn out a certain way is ridiculous. I especially get riled by the idea of onlies turning out "spoiled". What about the many, many onlies who are raised by low-income single moms who have to work long hours? What about kids from large families who have a lot of money and things? It's obnoxious to say that a personality trait comes simply from being on "only". Okay, rant over!


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## Devaya

its really interesting to read this thread... i have a 3 month old and before he was born i imagined i'd have at least 2, even 3, but DP's always been in favour of one. Now that i actually have one...i'm seriously rethinking the situation. Jude is lovely and in many ways an 'easy' baby, so its not that he's a big handful or anything..but i really like the feeling of it being the 3 of us and look forward to all the growing together we will do.

i can totally relate to the need for peace and quiet that many of you have mentioned...me and DP are both 'me-time' type people who NEED to be alone sometimes for our sanity! ! i know if we had more, we'd just adapt, but it makes me feel stressed just thinking about it. I also think it would create a bigger rift between us because its hard enough with ONE baby trying to keep together as a couple and not just get submerged.

i went out with a good friend who has a 3 year old and a 5 month old and i felt EXHAUSTED by the end of it - just watching her. I just thought 'i can't do that'. I'm a pretty highly-strung person and have always found it hard dealing with 'uncontrollable situations', noise and chaos (My mom tells me i was like this since a child). DP descrbes himself as 'insular' so there u go... but it does make me sad to think of never having the birth i wanted... but is that really that important in the big scheme of things? i also didnt enjoy most of being pregnant so altho it was exciting, i dont have a huge desire (yet!) to repeat that experience. i also think having one, you can still sort of be independent, but having two really does tie you down.selfish, maybe, but i like the idea of being able to put all my energy into Jude and my other (many) interests like yoga, writing and travelling.

i do have a couple of friends who are onlies, who say it was very hard for them, but they had other circumstances like early divorces etc to contend with. i would like to read that book' many one' that was recommended. anyway this has all been huge thought for me and has also sort of given me 'permission' to admit that we may well only have one... there's so much pressure to have more that i will need that support if thats how it pans out.


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## mom2PJS

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaya* 
its hard enough with ONE baby trying to keep together as a couple and not just get submerged.

i would like to read that book' many one' that was recommended. anyway this has all been huge thought for me and has also sort of given me 'permission' to admit that we may well only have one...

Yes. I've watched my friends relationships struggle with number 2. I think more than one would be too much chaos for me. I just spend my time cherishing every milestone and knowing that I'll probably never experience each one again.
I read most of "Maybe One" He brings up some valid affirmations for the decision to only have one. I found a lot of it outdated as our carbon footprints and global warming have changed so much in the 10 years since it was written.


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## WonderWild

This weekend I was at my cousin's house and she asked me "aren't you going to have any more?" I said "Garrett, do you want a baby in our house?" He flat out said "NO!" Then I was teasing him saying "oh, come on, don't you want to change poopy diapers?" He was like "NO WAY!" I looked at my cousin and said to her "there you have it, he doesn't want siblings."


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## MichaelsSahm

My DS is an only child, by choice and we have a hard time getting pregnant.
I find it hard sometimes when I tell someone with 5 kids that I only have one, it always seem like they judge us off the bat, categorizing my child, and how selfish we are.
My son is so happy, he is healthy, he loves playing with kids, but also enjoys playing alone. He is spoiled with love, and I believe kids all deserve to be spoiled with love.

Any moms of only children here with myspace accounts???
I'd love to talk to moms of only children so I don't feel so weird LOL!!

my site is: www.myspace.com/sahmnlovingit


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## Stone_25

Devaya: I feel the exact same way as everything you said. I remember when I took my 7 and 3 year old nieces shopping one afternoon. I was exhausted and we only shopped for 1 hour. I went home and took a 4 hour nap. I have no idea how parents with more then one do it. It just does not seem appealing to me.


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stone_25* 
It just does not seem appealing to me.

That is my whole entire reason for not wanting another child. I just plain old don't want to.







Whenever I think of a possible benefit to having more than one, I can almost always think of a reason I still prefer one.

Someone older than I am (who has a 20-year old only) raised an interesting point, though. We were talking about the decision just to have one, and she said she wondered how many people had two because they figured it would confer some intangible benefit on the children, but in fact, they never really enjoyed raising two kids at once? I wonder if people sometimes realize after having a second, "OH. Now I see why having an only would have been better." I have no doubt that those people love both their children to pieces, but of course, there's no going back, there's no halfway, and you're not supposed to have any regrets about things like that, so I doubt anyone would ever admit it. Heck, it took me almost 3 years to admit out loud that having a child is way harder than I thought it would be!









Anyways, just rambling, really. I love this group; I know you ladies get it! Oh, and kmisje, I have a MySpace: www.myspace.com/another_sarah


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## mama2zoe

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
I wonder if people sometimes realize after having a second, "OH. Now I see why having an only would have been better." I have no doubt that those people love both their children to pieces, but of course, there's no going back, there's no halfway, and you're not supposed to have any regrets about things like that, so I doubt anyone would ever admit it.

I've often had this same thought. I KNOW this would be me. I also know that if I were in that situation I'd be jealous of people who only had one. The thread awhile back about moms with too many kids (and most of them only had two) really had a big influence on me. I can absolutely imagine being in that situation.


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
I wonder if people sometimes realize after having a second, "OH. Now I see why having an only would have been better." I have no doubt that those people love both their children to pieces, but of course, there's no going back, there's no halfway, and you're not supposed to have any regrets about things like that, so I doubt anyone would ever admit it.

I actually know someone whose mother told her that she regretted having her 2nd child. Of course, she was the 2nd child.

And my MiL sat her children down and told them that she had a mental illness and that her life would have been much better if she had never had children, that having them only made everything worse. I'm not sure if my husband will ever recover from that wound.









But that's a whole other thread, and a whole other tribe.

And you are right, there's no going back from having a child. I'm so glad I have no doubts about having my only.


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## waiflywaif

Quote:

That is my whole entire reason for not wanting another child. I just plain old don't want to.
This is me exactly. I sometimes think about another in terms of "the benefit of a sibling" (which is in itself debatable). But then I realize that *I* don't want another. I wanted my daughter more than anything---that same pull toward another is just not there. When you look at it that way, it would be totally bizarre to have another just because of a vague feeling about siblings.


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## PhillyMama

Even though I'm not here much, I love this tribe. (I'm more of a lurker than poster I guess).

It drives me batty when I encounter people with more than one child who judge my decision to only have one. I have yet to receive a valid, logical reason to increase the size of my family.

I have a sister who is 8 1/2 years younger than I, and honestly, while we are friends now, we were never close. I was so much happier before she came along and took attention away







So I don't buy the "your child will be happier with a sibling" line.

My DH and I get this *all the time* and at this point we just roll our eyes. We were called selfish for not wanting another child, to which DH replied "It's selfish to overpopulate the world, actually". He's much less tolerant than I am when it comes to people poking their noses into our reproductive plans.

Sorry for the ramble, it must be weighing on my mind recently, since the holiday-family-visiting I suppose.

I love what Devaya said about growing up together as three (I'm paraphrasing). What a wonderful statement. I love being just three


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## rambunctiouscurls

Hey, I just thought of something while watching the multiples marathon on Discovery Health. Why don't they do a documentary on families with an only. Ok, yeah, ppl might think it's a piece of cake but really we face a lot of unique challenges. I know I'd totally tune in to see families that mirror mine.


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## mikaela

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommy2Amira* 
Hey, I just thought of something while watching the multiples marathon on Discovery Health. Why don't they do a documentary on families with an only. Ok, yeah, ppl might think it's a piece of cake but really we face a lot of unique challenges. I know I'd totally tune in to see families that mirror mine.

Interesting concept... and I agree!


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## Earthly_Joys

Hey ladies! I'm Elizabeth and I'm a full time mom to 7 yo DSD and have been since she was 2. I have no biological kids.

DH and I just decided a couple of nights ago that we're done with one. I have PCOS so there is pretty much a 0% chance we'd ever have a naturally occurring pregnancy.

Our insurance, finances, and my health have all recently changed for the better so we were on the very edge of beginning to go down that long road of fertility treatments. The cost of it and the wear and tear it can cause on a relationship was pretty unappealing.

DH just does not want more children. He feels horrible about it because he knows how badly I've always wanted to have kids. He said he'd do go ahead with it if it's what I wanted but I don't feel right dragging him through it. And honestly, having a finalized answer is kind of nice. Instead of the constant worry about the cost and if I will be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant, all of the doctor appts and crazy medicine...I have a solid answer. One is enough.

I did recently post over in parents as partners about this and I didn't get any response. I was curious if anyone had decided not to have more kids and if they regretted it. Basically, I wanted to know what that was like.

Anyway, this decision is still pretty new to us but it feels right.


----------



## Janelovesmax

Hi,
My son is 2 1/2 and we are done.
I'm so sick of people putting a guilt trip on me for only wanting to have one child. What's up with that? I mean, I would like to think that I'm a good mom to my son, but it's not anyone's business how many more I want!

They all shake their heads like: you don't want Max to have a little brother or sister???


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## widemouthedfrog

Elizabeth, that must feel good to have a firm decision.
In our case too, dh is fairly firm (though not 100 percent), and I am about 50/50.

I also have medical issues that would make things difficult during pregnancy.
Regret is one of the big things that is keeping my thoughts of a second child alive. The other is that I really, really enjoy dd and would like to enjoy another.

However, that said, if it caused a lot of strain on me and dh and on our relationship, the enjoyment of a second child wouldn't be as...enjoyable.


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## Peppermint Leaf

I have not read this whole thread -- so I may have the oldest "only" here but our DS wll be 17 this year.

It was not our original intention to only have one -- but time just got away on us and after a couple of years we just didn't want to start over with sleepless nights and diaper bags (particularly sleepless nights!~!!)

We ask our DS all the time if he would have liked a sibling and he always says no!!

I get stressed easily and really like my space and quiet -- so I think 3 was perfect for us.

Our son is happy and well adjusted and we are very proud of him. I think it was the right choice for us. (although sometimes I feel a little sad that I was never able to buy little dresses -- but who knows we may never had a girl anyway if we had more children)


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Decluttering Nut* 
I have not read this whole thread -- so I may have the oldest "only" here but our DS wll be 17 this year.

It was not our original intention to only have one -- but time just got away on us and after a couple of years *we just didn't want to start over with sleepless nights and diaper bags (particularly sleepless nights!~!!)*

We ask our DS all the time if he would have liked a sibling and he always says no!!

I get stressed easily and really like my space and quiet -- so I think 3 was perfect for us.

Our son is happy and well adjusted and we are very proud of him. I think it was the right choice for us. (although sometimes I feel a little sad that I was never able to buy little dresses -- but who knows we may never had a girl anyway if we had more children)










Amen!! My DD is a TERRIBLE sleeper and I just don't think I could do it again. Of course, this isn't why we decided to just have one, but I do feel a sweeping sense of relief that once she learns to sleep well, I'll finally get to sleep again!


----------



## caspian's mama

thanks for sharing your POV, decluttering.


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## NYCVeg

In response to something above: I have some friends who have two, and I think having the second child might have actually destroyed their marriage. When they had one, they seemed pretty happy--there was stress, obviously, but they were nice to each, they managed. Now, they seem completely overwhelmed by the kids. They are always sniping at each other (it's hard to be around). It feels like they barely even talk to each other except to manage the children (get ds1's sippy cup, wipe ds2's nose). They pit the kids against each other (why are you doing x--your younger brother NEVER does x). It makes me sad, only b/c I think they are people who would really have been happier with one, but all of their friends have the requisite 2 kids and I think they felt a lot of pressure to conform.

Of course, this isn't true of everyone, not by a long shot--we have other friends with two (or more) who have wonderful marriages and seem to have a much easier time with multiple kids than dh and I have with our (easy-going) one! But it really bothers me that people feel so compelled to have more than one kid just for the sake of having more than one kid. It's such a momentous, life-long decision--I don't get it, nor do I get why it's "selfish" to know your own limits. I'd much rather me a good mother to one child, then a basket case with two.


----------



## thriftyqueen

This thread is definitely interesting to me. My DS will be 6 next week. Since he was about 6 months old, we decided that 1 would be enough for us. There have been times that I have thought for a split second that I wouldn't mind 2, but then I enter back into reality.

DS is highly sensitive and so am I. I realize more and more how exhausted I am on a daily basis and don't think I could handle more. Two years of sleepless nights was too much for me. DS never slept through the night until he was almost 2. He is a much better sleeper now, but I just can't go back to that. People say that if we had more maybe they wouldn't be as challenging, but I just don't think I would be able to handle any of the challenges of a newborn again. I can't handle the sounds and cries of an infant, it is hard for me to deal with it.

I love my nieces and nephews, I love other people's kids and I love my own, but I just don't think I am cut out for having more. It gets old when people ask me about having more. I just tell them that one is enough for me, but they don't seem to understand. I really don't care what other people think any more though. I know what I can handle and I know what I can't handle. I know my family would love for me to have more kids, but reality is, I probably an not going to.


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## Earthly_Joys

I'm finding a lot of comfort in having a firm decision. The wishy washy-ness of not knowing was really hurting me.

I'm not 100% on board yet. I thought I was but I had a mini meltdown yesterday. Just a couple of tears over realizing I'll never be able to hold a baby of my own. I think the only reason that I may regret this at all, even just the tiniest bit, is because I've not been able to parent a baby from birth or experience late nights and labor pains, etc....that kind of thing. Plenty of people reassure me that I'm not missing much but still...

-Elizabeth


----------



## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
In response to something above: I have some friends who have two, and I think having the second child might have actually destroyed their marriage. When they had one, they seemed pretty happy--there was stress, obviously, but they were nice to each, they managed. Now, they seem completely overwhelmed by the kids. They are always sniping at each other (it's hard to be around). It feels like they barely even talk to each other except to manage the children (get ds1's sippy cup, wipe ds2's nose). They pit the kids against each other (why are you doing x--your younger brother NEVER does x). It makes me sad, only b/c I think they are people who would really have been happier with one, but all of their friends have the requisite 2 kids and I think they felt a lot of pressure to conform.

Of course, this isn't true of everyone, not by a long shot--we have other friends with two (or more) who have wonderful marriages and seem to have a much easier time with multiple kids than dh and I have with our (easy-going) one! But it really bothers me that people feel so compelled to have more than one kid just for the sake of having more than one kid. It's such a momentous, life-long decision--I don't get it, nor do I get why it's "selfish" to know your own limits. I'd much rather me a good mother to one child, then a basket case with two.

See, that is EXACTLY what I was talking about. That is my biggest fear, and I don't think it would be that far off for us if we had another.


----------



## Kayaking Mama

I see a lot of couples who have their s*** together with one kid, and then with the second one all of a sudden they are complete wrecks--either marriage-wise or just are overwhelmed by daily life. I just am seeing a more enjoyable life for all three of us if we keep it at three--the ability to travel together, to be able to afford to NOT work long and crazy hours, less squabbling, etc.


----------



## Juliacat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *msjd123* 
I have no doubt that those people love both their children to pieces, but of course, there's no going back, there's no halfway, and you're not supposed to have any regrets about things like that, so I doubt anyone would ever admit it.

I agree 100% with this. I







my IUD but it's still hard on me when all the other moms of kids dd's age are pregnant and I feel like I missed the memo.







Neither dh nor I had close-in-age siblings and we're both fine. Maybe because we had fairly peaceful childhoods, we'd like dd to have the same.


----------



## mom2PJS

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kayaking Mama* 
I see a lot of couples who have their s*** together with one kid, and then with the second one all of a sudden they are complete wrecks--either marriage-wise or just are overwhelmed by daily life. I just am seeing a more enjoyable life for all three of us if we keep it at three--the ability to travel together, to be able to afford to NOT work long and crazy hours, less squabbling, etc.

I've seen alot of this too. A very good friend who has been married for 11 years has a 3.5 (high needs) and a 1.5 admitted to me that #2 was huge trial for a marriage... especially the first 6 months. Now I see her doing things that I can't imagine... just to relieve stress. She's leaving on a "girls weekend" and leaving the kids with her husband. She weened #2 at 9 or 10 months... she is just overwhelmed. She was a pretty AP mama with #1. But nowshe seems to be distancing herself. I talked to her about EC when she was visiting last and how well it has worked for us and she practically bit off my head ("It's so much harder with 2 I have no time for anything like that!") I just want to enjoy what we have. I told someone last week. "We're happy. Why should we change anything?"


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## katheek77

I can't remember where I read it, but, studies have found that the "quality" of a marriage begins to decline after the birth of the first child, and doesn't begin to re-ascend until the YOUNGEST child reaches the age of two. If someone's popping one out every two years for a decade, that's a long time for a downward spiral. Or apathy, I guess. I don't think everyone who has three or four kids is unhappy, but, I know VERY few people IRL with three or more kids who ARE happy w/their marriages...off the top of my head...my bf has 3, is getting divorce, my old employer has 3, has asked me if she thinks "too many kids" could be the reason she's so unhappy with her marriage, another has four, and is at wit's end. My friend's mom had three, though, and has a *very* strong, stable marriage, so, obviously, it's not written in stone, but there does seem to be a pattern.

DD is almost 19 mos, and DH and I are finally starting to get "back to normal" in myriad ways. I can't IMAGINE getting pregnant with another right now, and watching it all go back down to the beginning, and probably "then some" with a very inquisitive, curious, and intense (in good *and* bad ways) toddler thrown into the mix.

Like I've said before, we have dreams, desires, and aspirations outside of our child. I don't think that's selfish; I think it's intelligent to realize that, and understand where the limits are for us. I'm sure our daughter might one day want a sibling, but, I also think she'll eventually be able to understand that this was the best choice for our family as a whole.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
I'm sure our daughter might one day want a sibling, but, I also think she'll eventually be able to understand that this was the best choice for our family as a whole.

Well, she might or she might not. I had two good friends in high school who were onlies and dh has a good friend from college who was an only...they've ALL told us how much they enjoyed being only children and all say they wouldn't have done anything differently. I am especially impressed with their relationships with their parents. When dh and I look at our friends and try to figure out who, as an adult, has the kind of relationship with his/her parents that we'd like to have with dd, it's our three friends who were onlies plus one friend who has a sibling.

Somewhat related: friends of ours just had a baby, and we took dd (20 months) when we went to visit. Dd had a great time at their apartment--playing with stuffed animals, looking at their Christmas tree, etc. We kept asking her if she wanted to look at the baby, and she would look over at him, declare (quite assertively) "NO!", and go back to what she was doing. I think she's gonna be just fine.









And katheek, I completely agree with you...at around 18 months, we felt like we were STARTING to get some semblance of an enjoyable life back (rather than just trying to COPE all the time), and I cannot imagine why I would ever want to go back to the way it was when we had an infant (especially with a toddler...eek!).


----------



## Juliacat

You guys are making me feel better today. Thanks.









It's gonna be so cool when dd is past the toddler stage and we can all do fun things as a trio!


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## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
Like I've said before, we have dreams, desires, and aspirations outside of our child. I don't think that's selfish; I think it's intelligent to realize that, and *understand where the limits are for us*. I'm sure our daughter might one day want a sibling, but, I also think she'll eventually be able to understand that this was the best choice for our family as a whole.

Bolding by me. I immediately think about my (and my husband's) limits when the topic of another baby comes up (always by people who say "Of course you'll have another!!" when I make my usual "eh, not really" face). I feel like I am maxing out on my limitations on a _daily basis_, obviously because I am in the thick of parenting a toddler and the person (MIL, SIL, other family members) making the "of course" remark isn't--their time for active, daily hands-on parenting has passed (as is the case for MIL), or is lessening as their kids are older and are entering late teens and early adulthood (as is the case for SIL). But I also wonder how these same people _could never have asked_ themselves what their own limits before they jumped onto the multiple-children wagon. I suppose it boils down to each of us having a different level of self-analysis that we subject ourselves to, and whether we even want to ask ourselves some not-pretty questions about our actual capabilities--i.e., some people just don't "go there."







:


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## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
I don't... get why it's "selfish" to know your own limits. I'd much rather me a good mother to one child, then a basket case with two.

holla.

seriously, i'm at about 65% basket case now as it is. i'm quitting my job because i don't have enough time for me, him, _and_ dp when i'm out of the house 40 hours. i simply can't imagine finding the space within _myself_ for another child. sometimes i wonder if we'll even be able to deal with a dog!







:


----------



## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
sometimes i wonder if we'll even be able to deal with a dog!







:

Try guinea pigs. You don't need to walk them. That's our plan...in another 3 years or so.









Keep on convincing me about this 1-child thing, please! I must repeat:
Things are better after the first two years, don't go back.
I must understand where our limits are as a family.
I must quit blaming the one-child thing on my dh.


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## katheek77

Go here

Some highlights about onlies:

Tend to be very independent and good at amusing themselves
Generally are loyal and form long-lasting friendships
Only children score higher on tests and tend to complete more years of education
Parents and only children typically form a very close, very intimate bond
Don't feel the need to compete for their parents' affection
Only children are given the time and space to think about who they are and usually "really know themselves

Very interesting stuff. There are lots of books about having an only child that dispel some of the myths about them. I'll run through my bookcase later, and find a couple (I can't remember titles offhand).


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## jennlindsey

wow, i'm glad i found this tribe!

i'm the mom of an only, who will most likely always be an only, and i get so incredibly tired of the comments i hear about it being "selfish" to not provide one's child with another sibling. i can't see how knowing your personal and financial limits is selfish - i think it's smart! i see so many people having 4 or 5 kids in short succession, straining their resources to the breaking point, and while i might have an opinion, i don't call them on it -- so why constantly call parents of onlies on their choice? it seems like there's a double standard in which sacrificing and endangering your financial health for more kids is seen as noble, but stopping at one is seen as weird or stingy somehow.

wow, that was a bit more of a rant that i intended. sorry!

i love my girl to pieces -- she was a surprise, and a gift, as my husband had struggled with fertility issues for years -- but given my limitations (i have a vision impairment and am a genetic carrier for hemophilia) and his age (almost 45, though you wouldn't know it by lookin' at the hottie!), i think we're done. sometimes i feel sad that this might be the only time i experience a certain childhood stage -- but not sad enough to change my mind!

i'm curious, has anyone homeschooled an only? my daughter is already quite the extrovert, and adores her preschool/childcare setup, so while i'm interested in homeschooling in theory, i'm not sure how it would work for her and i in particular (i'm introverted and need a lot of "down time"). most people i know who do it have at least one other sibling.


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## CNM2B

Oh...I'm so happy to find this tribe! I have a one-year old daughter whom I ADORE, but my DH and I really just want one child. We invision a future where we can travel with her and afford to give her the world! I love kids, but I just really want one. I hear such awful comments from people (friends!) about how having 1 is selfish or how only children grow up to be brats and don't learn how to share. I hate hearing that. I am currently mostly a SAHM with DD and that is wonderful, but I have a career and can't see myself being able to stay home with another child--and after staying home with 1, I can't imagine not staying home with another.
Any advice for those "friends" who make mean comments??
Thanks!


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennlindsey* 
wow, i'm glad i found this tribe!

i'm curious, has anyone homeschooled an only?

I am also curious about this. We will probably HS DD when the time comes.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CNM2B* 
Oh...I'm so happy to find this tribe! I have a one-year old daughter whom I ADORE, but my DH and I really just want one child. We invision a future where we can travel with her and afford to give her the world! I love kids, but I just really want one. I hear such awful comments from people (friends!) about how having 1 is selfish or how only children grow up to be brats and don't learn how to share. I hate hearing that. I am currently mostly a SAHM with DD and that is wonderful, but I have a career and can't see myself being able to stay home with another child--and after staying home with 1, I can't imagine not staying home with another.
Any advice for those "friends" who make mean comments??
Thanks!

Wow, I can't believe you're already hearing mean comments and your DD is only 1. My DD is also 1 and we have avoided the comments so far. I just assumed they would start to come later when everyone expects you to be planning for another. Sorry, I don't have any advice for you.


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CNM2B* 
Any advice for those "friends" who make mean comments??

It totally depends on the situation, the person making the comment, and so on... my response can range from humorous to 'right back at you.'

I usually stick with things like, "I know my limits!" and "One is plenty for us!" Humor deflects without making either person feel bad, because I really don't want to get into a debate with most of these folks - just like one feels right for our family, five feels right for theirs!

But if someone actually hits you with the 'you're being selfish' type of remark, hit that one right back into their face. People who make remarks like this count on you being too polite to call them on it. Look them dead in the eye with a very upset face and say, "Wow. I can't believe you just said that. That was a really mean thing to say to me." or something along those lines. Don't say anything more. Let them hang on that hook all alone.

I've also used the shaming technique - I once had someone make a remark about how we should try for another, and I said, "We have fertility issues which are really none of your business, but thanks for making me feel awful about it," and walked off.


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## loitering

I posted in this thread months ago and then completely forgot about it







I have to say, every day I am so happy that I only have one child. My house is organized and clean! We have some semblance of a schedule! Ds is starting to play more by himself!

I know for a lot of people it would make sense to have a second, but for me it's the exact opposite. My life would literally be ruined if I had a second. Sometimes I think it's a blessing in disguise that I haven't DTD in 2.5 years!


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## alexisyael

Hi mamas! I'm thinking I'll join you, since we're about 80% certain at this point that DS is going to be an only (we decided to give ourselves til he's 3 before making the final decision, i.e., getting DH snipped.)

We've got a multidude of reasons, but the chief ones are fear that having another child would destroy our marriage (







s to the earlier discussion on that topic) and the ongoing sleep issues our son is having. Even if we had a baby that slept (which could happen), we'd still have to deal with our first child, who wakes up often (to nurse, and sometimes just to get up and be awake/ play/ watch Elmo







).

My friends who had children with these same sleep issues when they were younger all now have older children with these same sleep issues... and it is tough. We're all tired. I don't deal well with tired.

I do grieve, tho, a little. Our son is so awesome, I can only imagine any other kids we have would be awesome, too (in different and similar ways). Having the awesome experience of watching him grow up does make me want to repeat that experience... but I don't think it's going to happen.

(I'm kinda an only -- my parents both had kids with other partners and I lived alone with my mom or dad a lot of my youth. But, I did also live with one of my half-sisters, so I have that shared sibling experience as well, and I HATED it. I much prefered being an only... but she has special/ high needs, so that is in part why it was more difficult.)


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## Juliacat

Since our child is obviously sweet, intelligent and beautiful to anyone who cares to notice







we often say, "We think we want to quit while we're ahead."







Or a line I got from someone else on here, "No thanks, we like the one we have, no need to trade up."


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## madskye

It is looking more and more like we will have an only...

DD will be three in April, and pretty much everything that has been mentioned on the last few pages.


One is so nice--the thought of two is kind of overwhelming
I'll be 40 next year, so I'm a little old for another pregnancy, and I just don't really want to be preg again. And I had such a great birth experience with DD, I'm afraid to push my luck with another.
DD is a pretty wonderful, easy, magical little girl. My bf had a little girl like that, and their second babe was a little boy who really turned things upside down. Obviously, they love him very much







but from the outside looking in, the sibling stuff doesn't look like much fun!
I was an only, until my mom had my step-sister when I was 14. I loved being an only, and it feels normal to me.
I think another would be good for our marriage in some ways, and disastrous in others. I think the financial strain would too much for me to handle. I work from home now, with one, and feel like I finally have a great situation for when she goes to school in a few years. (I can be here for am and afternoon
Now that she's almost three we can do so much more now.
)

I'm a little sad, because I love babies but I think this is the right thing for us.


----------



## Island Mommy

Hi All,

I have a just turned 5 yo DD. Glad to see this thread. It's been ages since I've been around Mothering.com although I spent many, many hours here when DD was a baby and had colic and NEVER SLEPT! Those days are gone now, thankfully. She's usually only up once or twice per night! There are many reasons for our decision to have an only but our ages were big factors (I'm 44 and DH is 50).

I struggle with the issues of her not having siblings as both DH and I have great relationships with our siblings (I have 4 and DH has 2). In fact, I'd definitely say that my younger sister is my best friend and my family is incredibly important in my life. Also, I've never known anyone who was an only.

However, she is an only and nothing's going to change that.

I read through parts of this thread but couldn't get through all the posts. I'm wondering if any of you have onlies who are horrible at entertaining themselves? DD is incredibly social and either wants to have a playdate or wants DH or me to play with her at all times. If one of us isn't actively down on the floor with her she's whining "I have nobody to play with". I try to get her going on something and then leave but she's after me within a minute or two. So much for onlies being independent.

We'd really like to homeschool her but I'm just not sure it will go well. If she was a child that could get engrossed in things on her own I know it would work but I have worries that she'll be bored and under-stimulated. She just loves to play with her friends so much. She's at preschool 2 days/week and pretty much has playdates (which often last 5-6 hours) at least 3-4 times/week.

I'd also love to hear how you moved away from lying down with your child when they go to sleep. For the most part it doesn't bother me and I know it has to end sometime but some nights...WOW...I can't wait for it to be over. Of course, once it is I'll probably miss it.

Looking forward to hearing from you all.

Linda


----------



## Juliacat

This is a little hard to explain, but last night when dh and dd and I went out to eat, we were waiting in a long line and dd got us into a three-way lovefest where we were all kissing each other. And I just feel like, I like our family the way it is. And this big cloud of anxiety lifted from me and I feel really good about our decision now, after months of agonizing over it. Long live my IUD!


----------



## Mona

hi island mommy- i remember you from the early sleep deprived days.








we too are just having one.









My dd is extremely social. We homeschool (well, really unschool) so far (she just turned 5), and will always unless she decides she wants to go to school. to try to avoid that route, i've always made sure she has plenty of social interactions and groups. i've forgotten where you live- do you have many homeschoolers in your area? i would not be sane if i could not network w/ other families.
dd is not great at playing by herself. it happens sporadically, and not when i tell her to play by herself. i take every moment when she self engages as as a time i can do the things i need to do w/o interruption. i get a lot done while we watch movies together, on my laptop. i think that once she learns to read she'll be spending a lot of time by herself. we'll see i guess.








i think kids being independent creatures is different for each kid, no matter if they are onlies or not.

as far as bed time..... dh is able to put her to bed most nights, although she still prefers me. he reads her to sleep many nights (they are on The Hobbit for the third time in a row lmao). I have been able to be out of the room and her fall asleep only occasionally. I will tell her that i need to go to the bathroom and i'll be right back (or do X and be right back). sometimes she will just cuddle up w/ her blanket and ease into sleep. tbh i haven't done that in a long time, as bed time for the most part is not a long process.
i also feel like at this stage in her development, i am glad that she has me to help her transition through sleep time. soon enough she will be less mama oriented, i'm sure. and i'm not looking forward to that.








i agree that it would be nice to avoid the bed time thing some nights tho


















Quote:


Originally Posted by *Island Mommy* 
Hi All,

I read through parts of this thread but couldn't get through all the posts. I'm wondering if any of you have onlies who are horrible at entertaining themselves? DD is incredibly social and either wants to have a playdate or wants DH or me to play with her at all times. If one of us isn't actively down on the floor with her she's whining "I have nobody to play with". I try to get her going on something and then leave but she's after me within a minute or two. So much for onlies being independent.

I'd also love to hear how you moved away from lying down with your child when they go to sleep. For the most part it doesn't bother me and I know it has to end sometime but some nights...WOW...I can't wait for it to be over. Of course, once it is I'll probably miss it.

Looking forward to hearing from you all.

Linda


----------



## mother_sunshine

I just wanted to pop in and say hello. We have an 11yo daughter who is an only child.

Having 1 always "felt right" and I had no desire to have another, and dd never wanted a sibling, until dd and I started babysitting a sweet 8 month old baby girl a couple of years ago. We both got baby fever really bad. SO we talked dh into it and I got pregnant.....twice. I miscarried both times, which was the hardest thing I've ever endured. I now realize, though, that another baby is not what was right for our family. When I was pregnant, I had these intense feelings of regret. It didn't feel right. As much as I wanted to hold a precious new baby in my arms, I think what I really wanted was to go back in time and hold dd in my arms again. I really miss those precious baby times. BUT I also realize that, although she is now 11, I should count my blessings and relish THESE precious times with her. Just us. This really does feel right.

I just wanted to share with you all and let you know that I'm here if I can offer my support. Every mama should listen to her heart and trust her instincts, and do what feels right for her family.


----------



## widemouthedfrog

Hello - popping in to let you know that I've started a complementary thread for those who are working on accepting and celebrating their only! I have realized that I'm still grieving the "loss" of future children.

Though I don't post much here, I love lurking to see all of the benefits of having an only!


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## widemouthedfrog

Sorry, folks, I didn't want to kill this thread! Bad me!









Just wanted to create a little space for those who are still deciding/accepting their only child.

So...what do you say to people when they start saying "oh, why would you have an only, won't she be sad?"

This said with the best of intentions.

I would love to say something that would enlighten people who are truly concerned. For those who are being snarky, I don't have too much to say.

My new hairdresser comes from a family of 5 and sounded so concerned about dd being an only. When I said that dd is an introvert and very self-contained in her play (she loves playing by herself), that just sounded so...lonely. But it isn't, really, it's ideal for dd.

I know I shouldn't feel the need to explain, but I feel that it is my public service announcement in support of only children!


----------



## mother_sunshine

I haven't had too many people say anything. Maybe it's more common and accepted to have an only child where I live (?).

For example, there are at least 7 only-children just on our short street alone (from age 5 up to adult). None of the families regret it, or see it as a negative thing. It's just normal.









When dd was 4 I did have one mother rudely tell me that dd would one day "hate me" for not having more. It was so rude that I just walked away. Comments like that don't deserve a response.

Dd's an extrovert, a complete people-person. She doesn't miss having a sibling. She's admitted to me numerous times that she loves being the only child in the house. She just seeks people out and makes sure she always has people to visit or play with. And when there's not, she does her own thing. She doesn't sit around and sulk or feel sorry for herself.


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## konamama

my dd often asks for a sibling, she wants to be a BIG SISTER so badly, but i explain that for me it just isn't the right decision, at least not now, and that when she has children she can have as many as feels right for her. and there are always going to be folks who judge and comment about different parenting decisions that others make, that is just part of life. the trick is coming to terms with whatever parenting decisions you make or need to make for yourself, then others reactions won't create as much of a reaction for ones-self. that's how i kinda deal with all of the parenting issues that come up, if i'm ok with it than how others feel don't seem to bug me or please me, either way.


----------



## alexisyael

"I don't know, he doesn't look very sad to me..."

It's days like today I realize having an only is the way to go: I can't imagine my frustration levels getting any more out of whack than they are, and I think having two kids would Kick My A$$!


----------



## woaters

Well for me, I cannot have anymore...it usually shuts people up pretty quickly. Then they feel bad.....and maybe will not say/ask someone that again.
I know I never ask anyone if they will have another b/c I am so sensitive to that. I may ask IF they have a sibling, but not ask why not?

In some cases it is just the person making conversation....just like "does he walk yet? is he eating solids? etc etc" that people always ask parents of babies.

As far as sad, having a sibling has nothing to do with making a child happy. That is ridiculous!

I would say "My child isn't sad, because he is so loved"


----------



## konamama

for the families who are not having more not because of health reasons, will/have you taken steps on permanent birth control? we plan to get the BIG V but just haven't had the time in dh schedule to allow for healing...
wondering if others have already gone down this path and what it was like for them...


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *konamama* 
for the families who are not having more not because of health reasons, will/have you taken steps on permanent birth control? we plan to get the BIG V but just haven't had the time in dh schedule to allow for healing...
wondering if others have already gone down this path and what it was like for them...

DD did the big V. We had planned that all along, but it was still hard for me. This has everything to do w/ my feelings about pregnancy, though. I don't regret our decision to just have one. I just have difficulty accepting that I'll never be pregnant again.


----------



## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *konamama* 
for the families who are not having more not because of health reasons, will/have you taken steps on permanent birth control? we plan to get the BIG V but just haven't had the time in dh schedule to allow for healing...
wondering if others have already gone down this path and what it was like for them...

DH got his vasectomy when DD was 3. We decided that was the way we were going to go when she was 2, and then sat on it for a year so there would be no doubt in either of our minds.

DH has a fairly weak stomach when it comes to procedures, and he said it was really awful - not to scare anyone, just reporting what my DH said. But it was also quick and done in the office, and the healing was very fast.

We feel a tremendous sense of relief and freedom now that it's done.


----------



## caspian's mama

my crazy dp only had local anesthesia for his and the doc let him watch the whole proceedings. [imagine barf icon here.] he did need a good 2 weeks of recovery time, though. it would have been easier if we weren't living with my mom at the time and lying to her, telling her he pulled his groin doing yardwork.









he had the procedure done when casi was a year old. we've never regretted it.


----------



## alexisyael

Our plan is to get the Big V around Remy's third birthday, if we're still sure at that time. We figured three years would be long enough to sort through our feelings and make sure they're not simply sleep deprivation.

BUT, I am thinking of suggesting we up that timeline now that my fertility is (somewhat) returning. Just imagining myself pregnant with a toddler is FREAKING ME OUT.

We're definitely going with vasectomy over tying my tubes. It is a much easier proceedure, with a lot less side effects.

I don't know. I may get an IUD for a few years, too. Thyat's a hard decision for me to make, though, since my mom had a bad IUD experience in the 70s.


----------



## Ali26

Thanks to everyone here for posting their experiences! Great to read other like-minded thoughts.

I am currently discussing with DH why I feel complete as a family of 3, and that I have absolutely no yearings whatsoever for a second child. DS is 14 months and I guess you might call him an "easy" baby, he sleeps amazingly well, has a very happy temperment, etc. Even so, I don't feel the need to add another child, I want to quit while I'm ahead. DH is slowly accepting this, we had thought of having 2 children...before having one!

The happiest and most well adjusted person I've ever known was an only child, she was also adopted. From knowing her, I've always dismissed the horrible stereotypes that only children, and even adopted children, can be labeled with. Seriously, how many selfish, spoiled people does everyone know, that has plenty of siblings?

Our family is complete, not to mention organized and fairly stress-free, with one child. (and one semi-demanding persian cat!)


----------



## Island Mommy

Hi Mona!! Nice to meet up with you again. I wonder if Daffodil is **** around??

I think the point about "fairly stress-free" is a very good one. I have friends who have chosen to have more than one child and their lives are hectic and they are, in some cases, unhappy. With 2 parents at home and only one child things run fairly smoothly around here. My house is fairly clean and there is no yelling (although there is the occasional stern voice to be honest).

I feel sorry for some of my friends and know that I should help them (which I do by hosting lots of playdates for their older kids) but sometimes in my peevish moments I think, come on, you CHOSE to have more children. I'm sorry your life is a mess but I CHOSE to have only one child and I don't want to take on your problems just because my life is sailing along on an even plane right now.

Plus, I'm looking forward to lots of traveling as DD gets older which we will be able to afford because we have only one child. Staying with friends is so much easier when you only bring one child along. I come from a family of 5 kids and I can only imagine how people must have felt when they invited the "family" (of 7!) over for dinner!

I even hesitate at times to invite my friends who have 3 kids over. It almost triples the population of our little house and it can be too much for me. One of the other reasons I chose only to have one child is because I can't handle a lot of noise. Puts me right on edge.


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## rambunctiouscurls

Hi and Welcome to all the new moms on this thread!

I have to say, I am getting really sick of the in-laws pressuring us to have another one. Last night, while Sil was drunk, she says, "If you passed away, your daughter wouldn't have any one to support her"








:







she doesn't even have any kids so I'm not letting her get to me. I responded that having siblings is no guarantee of life time support and companionship. I have a large family and my friends are the ones who have supported me through the toughest times in my life.. but really what is it with people butting into our lives and feeling like they have any say in what we do.

We feel like a family of three is perfect for us. period.

Ok rant over!


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## Ali26

One of the other reasons I chose only to have one child is because I can't handle a lot of noise. Puts me right on edge.

I totally agree w/this! I too get rattled, stressed, and unhappy when I'm around lots of noise. This point was brought home to me last week, when I was driving DS, his friend, and friend's mom around town. The car ride lasted only 2 hours or so max, but it seemed to stretch on forever, with DS's friend screaming, DS crying b/c his friend grabbed all of his toys, etc. I thought I'd lose my mind. The next day while driving DS alone in the car, I thought how lucky I was to have an only child!

In response to the ILs pressuring moms to "have another", I can relate also. Although my ILs have never brought this up to me, DH said his parents have been asking for months about our "second child". haha, DS is only 14 months old, they must be crazy! My father also remaked to DH at Christmas, "so, I guess you guys will be planning the next one soon, huh?" haha! I was not in the room at the time, good thing. Even my mother mentioned the "next one" when I was pregnant with DS, I guess I was 5 months along then!

Its just weird that people automatically assume you will definitely want a second child! Funny how no one asks me about getting a "second cat"!

Also, I will pass along the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard about the number of children to have: a man about 50 years old, who belongs to a certain religion where large families are encouraged, told DH and I one time, "Only having one kid, that's a pet, having two, that's a hobby, having three, well now, that is a family". (This man had 6 children). DH and I looked at him like, ok! I don't care what religion anyone is, but if I don't criticize you for having a "litter" of children, and "how can you afford that, don't you feel your children have no privacy, etc", then don't look down your nose at smaller families! I didn't have DS at the time, but I still thought his comment was rather idiotic.

I have also thought that mothers of more than one child, who are very stressed, are in fact envious of moms of one, who have more time for themselves, more sleep, more resources/money at hand, etc. That is why I'm stopping at one, I know I can handle DS and I know what my limits are.


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## Island Mommy

Do any of you have trouble keeping your child entertained/occupied? Some days I think I'll go nuts if I have to play train/baby/restaurant/store for 1 minute longer. My dd just turned 5 and all she wants to do these days is play make-believe. She's not interested in puzzles, games or cards. Occasionally I can get her interested in a craft or colouring or a story but not for long.

I try to respect that this is what she "needs" to be doing at this stage in her development. I really do. But I HATE it. She can play by herself but will only do so for short periods.

Anyone else dealing with this? How do you cope? We're really struggling with whether dd should go to kindergarten in the fall but lately I've been wondering what I'd do with dd all day if she didn't have preschool and all her friends were in kindergarten.

I feel very guilty about not wanting to play with dd more. I love doing things with her and going places but the playing....


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## konamama

i'm not much for the fantasy games but dd loves them, also about to turn 5, and this all started around 3, at which point i told her that she needs to play on her own so i could do my chores, etc and just supported her in that. she started out only playing on her own for 20-30 minutes at a time but now plays for hours on her own, has an amazing imaginary life and i do other things with her, things that we both enjoy; gardening, games, etc. so i'm not sure if it is her personality or just practice...


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## caspian's mama

c (5 in 4mos) is okay about playing by himself, unless he needs one of us for a light saber battle. at some point in the day, though, the cabin fever hits and he wants one of us as a wrestling partner or a human jungle gym. this i can't STAND. i really think we need to move somewhere not so frickin







: because another winter like this will be craptacular. i have even been entertaining the thought of paid help, an hour a day, 3 hours a week - anything for some reprieve. i loathe this country's educational system and am a big unschooling convert, since around 3.5yo ds just started teaching himself everything - letters, numbers, writing. but i'm also starting to wonder if homeschoolers really ARE crazy, masochistic freaks.







or maybe with 2 kids they do entertain each other a bit more in the playing department. i don't know if those extra few moments of peace now and then would make up for having to referee screaming (kicking, swearing, spitting) battles that eventually ensue, though. really, the true masochists are the people who work in child care. bless their hearts, all of them.







and you all, for constantly seeking ways to entertain even if you don't feel up to the task. spring is just around the corner.


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## Island Mommy

Well, I can't complain about it being frickin cold here, it's only sort of cold. But it's GRAY. And wet. All the time. It makes me never want to go outside but that's what I/we need the most. I'm in the PNW.

We live on a small island. Opportunities for diversion are not plentiful. I sometimes think being in a city where we could just wander around and people watch would be good. Combine the small island with a dp who thinks (rightly) that taking the car for an unnecessary ride is big time bad for the planet and you see where I'm at. Within walking distance of me is the stream, the beach and the forest. Some friends too so we do loads of playdates. But I think I'm bored. No, I know I'm bored.


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## woaters

YES! Right now it is all about playmobil...I find it exhausting.

DS used to play very well on his own, but lately he has been asking me more and more. I am trying to get a friend over to play with him. The whole playdate thing is new to us, but I think it would help alot......DS is pretty bossy, so it would be good to have a buddy besides me...as I let him call the shots (oops) So far he has only played with my friends' children....and cousins..not quite the same.

And, everyday, I try to go somewhere with him, that helps...I find it much easier to go places wiht him as I can give him my focus. Too many distractions at home!

But like Island Mommy, I too am bored......and long for more adult conversation.
I'm sure it is just the age (5ish) and one day we will be wondering why they don't want to play with us


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## widemouthedfrog

What island do you live on? I'm in North Vancouver, in Lynn Valley...where it is also cool and wet. And slushy. However, we do get outside a lot. And I work part time, which I suspect helps prevent me from going insane some weeks. Ironically, I also work with kids...though it is so very different from being at home. The insanity is less from dd not playing on her own and more that I find it hard to do the same things and answer the same questions all of the time. But I think I'm just a grumpy person.
















Dd plays quite well on her own. She's 2 1/2. We go on an outing together in the morning (even if it is just a walk), and I do things around the house or in the kitchen in the late afternoon. She is welcome to help me, be in the carrier, or play by herself. I provide commentary or light assistance as required







./


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## katheek77

Dude, I'm wavering on the only child thing b/c of that very issue. I've always liked doing imagininative things ALONE. I suck at cooperative imaginary play. Seriously. And DD is getting into it. Couple that with her being mostly non-verbal, and her being easily frustrated when I don't do what she wants (which I don't know what it is since she can't tell me!!!!!), and it's just enough to make me twitch.

I know sooooo many people with multiple kids and they play together. DD is 19mos, and she *will* play by herself sometimes (sometimes she has no choice, like when I'm pumping), but so often I think - gosh, if she just had a sibling.

But it would take at least 2.5 years before she'd have someone who could be a playmate. 2.5 years of pure, unadulterated hell.









I've tried to get people to farm their kids out to me. For DH's "Alive Day" (er..he's military, was hit with an IED, survived, celebrates his "alive day" every year), we had some friends over, and one of his friends has a little boy a little less than a year older than Katie. I swear, I didn't see her for two hours. In our 800 sq. foot apt. The next week was the super bowl party at another friend's. Same little boy there. Watched the game mostly in peace. I told his Dad, "Hey, if your wife ever needs a break, I'll happily take Andreas" (they have 4 kids).

Screw mother's helpers; I need a place where I can rent toddlers.


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## widemouthedfrog

That's interesting, Katheek, I celebrate my alive day every year too...the day I started on insulin.









I am sure that dd would also LOVE a playmate, and it might be good for her. Renting a toddler, now I'm not so sure......







Well, all of the kids in our townhouse complex want her to be the "baby" in the games, so I'm not ok with her playing with any of them unsupervised. All they do is drag her around the room and she freaks out.


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## Sonnenwende

Another reason not to have more kids:

I was just looking at airfare, and it will cost around $2000 for all of us to fly to Germany to visit the in-laws at the cheapest.


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## katheek77

Some of you have heard on this thread about Katie's eye problem

After a lot of consideration, involving my own research, speaking to older children and adults with Duane's (both those who had/have not had the surgery), and speaking to a developmental optomotrist (sp?), we've decided to postpone her surgery until she's at least three and able to let us know what's going on.

I'm slightly nervous about whether I'm making the right decision, but, at the same time, I feel a great weight lifted off of me. There was just something that wasn't sitting well with the opthamologist who was so ardently recommending it by age 24mos. I don't know if it was mother's intuition, fear of the unknown, or just foolishness on my part, but, we've canceled.

In the meantime, I have found an optomotrist I really like - of course, he's outside our insurance, but, I don't care. I really want a doctor we can trust, and who doesn't act like my questions are not worth his time (this doctor spent a half an hour on the phone with me yesterday answering my questions even though he doesn't know me from Adam). Basically, he's going to give her a comprehensive eye exam (which the opth didn't do














, and we'll monitor her with twice a year exams. He also told us that if Katie has binocular vision right now (which is an unknown right now - she doesn't SEEM to have problems with it, but the exam will tell us more) the surgery could disrupt that.

What I find irritating is that while doing my own research, I found papers written by the original opth. in which he states that "many cases (of Duane's)remain stable" AND he conducted a highly acclaimed research study that showed that even in cases of amblyopia (loss of vision due to suppression by the brain of images), the traditional thinking that all correction must be done by age 7 is false. So, I REALLY feel like we were being given the hard-sell on surgery.


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## Coco_Hikes

katheek77. Your experience with that doctor sounds really frustrating. Good for you for sticking to your gut feelings and doing your own reasearch to decide what your options are for _your_ daughter!


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## rambunctiouscurls

katheek, it's awesome that you are doing your own research and found a good optometrist









what do you all do for fun. I have found that naps go easier the more outside activities we do. we also have a lot more fun. We also do crafts at home with friends. Speaking of friends, I'm pretty active in our playgroup so that helps a LOT with us both making friends. I know it would be great for Amira to have a sibling as a constant playmate but also, I don't miss the constant rivalry and fights over toys. we both come home to a quiet, relaxing place. and that's not reason enough to motivate me to have more.

do you all have a blog on how your days go with an only? I know for me, it's a lot easier to go to the zoo with only one child, an ergo, snacks, and a camera. My goal is to start a blog soon.. I'd love to read all your blogs!


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## konamama

dd had a friend over the other day who has an older brother and as the girls were getting out the babies to play the friend says to dd "you must not play with your babies much since you have no one to play with", dd looks at her like she is crazy - dd plays babies all day ever day by herself, and she told her friend that. i then asked the friend if she played with her babies much and she said that she didn't because her brother didn't like to play babies much. i never thought about the possibility that a child with an older sibling might not be as good at self-play as a singleton... just an interesting event for us this week.


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## alexisyael

I do have a livejournal, but it isn't really just about life with an only... but I guess I talk about what we do (and I complain about sleep deprivation A LOT! LOL)

And actually, my other only-child mama friend and I are starting a parenting blog together -- wabi sabi mamas. We're "launching" in the next few weeks, I'll have a link then! But again, not so much about only children (although both of us are pretty convinced that'll be the case for us) as it is a general parenting blog









Life here is pretty varied. I've FINALLY figured out the napping/ no napping thing (he naps on days he wakes up early and doesn't go back to sleep. If he goes back to sleep, he doesn't nap. I guess that sounds really simple, but it took me awhile to figure out!) We usually do something in the morning -- errands, or get out and go to the park/ explorium. Or we'll play on the screened in porch. If he's going to nap, he'll nap after that activity. If not, we do lunch and then chillax at home for a bit, maybe walk around the yard for an hour, play in the car (he loves to pretend to drive, so I go out there with him and let him play in the car while I knit), swing in the hammock. Afternoons are usually us time, but sometimes we go out to the park or hang out with friends.

Now that spring is really here, we'll be going to the beach a lot more, too


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## Erzse

May i join???

Esperanza(meaning "hope" in Spanish) that we lovingly call "Espe", she took us 7 years in the making. They told DH that he only had a small chance of having a child, we beat those odds and on Christmas day our beautiful girl was born.
Many people say that we should adopt, but that is not an option for us,
DD has lots of fun playing by herself.
But... everytime friend's kids come over, she doesn't like it, she doesn't share her toys, she's the bully there, is it just the age or something??


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## alexisyael

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Erzse* 
But... everytime friend's kids come over, she doesn't like it, she doesn't share her toys, she's the bully there, is it just the age or something??

Combination of the age and personality, I think.

But it is also harder to be the kid who is hosting friends... not all kids do well with having people on their turf. Just like adults, actually!


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## mother_sunshine

:

I've been to plenty of homes where the siblings act the same way with each other constantly. So it is not an only-child thing.


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## Juliacat

I am SO ready to go back to work.

and so NOT ready to have another child.

so there we are.


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## AntMom

Hi everyone,

It's been a long time since I've checked in--I hope you're all still enjoying your onlies!

My only ds is getting ready for kindergarten soon. It was bittersweet signing him up for it. But I am so proud of him!

We just got back from a trip to Florida, and I can say that it was a much better experience with one than it would have been with two. We met my sil/bil there with their two kids (ages 5 and 18 mos.), and they had a lot of trouble taking care of both of their needs there. It's tough to stop and give an 18mo a nap while also bringing your 5yo to do the things he wants to do. And never mind pushing a double stroller through Disney! We had it easy--a single stroller, one kid to buy souvenirs for, one kid to pack for, and did I mention that it's just plain expensive?? It was so nice to just worry about the one kid and pay attention to what he wanted to do.

Hope you're all doing well. I am looking forward to spring, and helping my little guy learn to ride a bike.


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## alexisyael

Yup, Joyce, I was traveling last weekend, too, and thought how much easier we had it with just one child.

Plus, this summer my DH and I are doing some separate traveling and so it will be just me and the toddler flying together and I think that would be WAY scarier to do with more kids!

So, yeah: life with an only makes for easier adventures for us!!!


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## bu's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AntMom* 
...We just got back from a trip to Florida, and I can say that it was a much better experience with one than it would have been with two. We met my sil/bil there with their two kids (ages 5 and 18 mos.), and they had a lot of trouble taking care of both of their needs there. It's tough to stop and give an 18mo a nap while also bringing your 5yo to do the things he wants to do. And never mind pushing a double stroller through Disney! We had it easy--a single stroller, one kid to buy souvenirs for, one kid to pack for, and did I mention that it's just plain expensive?? It was so nice to just worry about the one kid and pay attention to what he wanted to do.
....

We just went to Disney in February. Me & dd and my brother & sil, their 4 yo twins, 2.5 yo & my sil is pregnant. I never really did strollers with dd & didn't plan on using one at Disney, but she saw her cousins in one & wanted to be in one too instead of walking or riding my shoulders. So we navigated Disney with a double stroller, and two single strollers. It made me appreciate my nice quiet days with dd!!


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## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexisyael* 
I do have a livejournal, but it isn't really just about life with an only... but I guess I talk about what we do (and I complain about sleep deprivation A LOT! LOL)

And actually, my other only-child mama friend and I are starting a parenting blog together -- wabi sabi mamas. We're "launching" in the next few weeks, I'll have a link then! But again, not so much about only children (although both of us are pretty convinced that'll be the case for us) as it is a general parenting blog









Life here is pretty varied. I've FINALLY figured out the napping/ no napping thing (he naps on days he wakes up early and doesn't go back to sleep. If he goes back to sleep, he doesn't nap. I guess that sounds really simple, but it took me awhile to figure out!) We usually do something in the morning -- errands, or get out and go to the park/ explorium. Or we'll play on the screened in porch. If he's going to nap, he'll nap after that activity. If not, we do lunch and then chillax at home for a bit, maybe walk around the yard for an hour, play in the car (he loves to pretend to drive, so I go out there with him and let him play in the car while I knit), swing in the hammock. Afternoons are usually us time, but sometimes we go out to the park or hang out with friends.

Now that spring is really here, we'll be going to the beach a lot more, too









Oh Lucky you! we have to drive an hour and half to the beach here.. and not until late summer when it gets hot. but it's ok cuz we have family there so we are there pretty frequently anyways.
I finally started a blog!








and your lo is so adorable









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Erzse* 
May i join???

Esperanza(meaning "hope" in Spanish) that we lovingly call "Espe", she took us 7 years in the making. They told DH that he only had a small chance of having a child, we beat those odds and on Christmas day our beautiful girl was born.
Many people say that we should adopt, but that is not an option for us,
DD has lots of fun playing by herself.
But... everytime friend's kids come over, she doesn't like it, she doesn't share her toys, she's the bully there, is it just the age or something??

That's a beautiful name! and








I would echo that it's probably the age! Even dd right now, has learned the "polite" way to not share. she always says thank you as she takes her toys back from other kids. it is sometimes cute, but not always.
the constant fights over toys makes me glad I only have to deal with it occasionally.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat* 
I am SO ready to go back to work.

and so NOT ready to have another child.

so there we are.

I hear you. I'm going back to work this August. and although I'm excited about it, I'm also terrified about the big daycare decision. Hopefully, we'll find the right place for her. but yeah.. so not ready to add more lives into the mix, not even an animal.


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## cutekid

Hello ladies, I always lose track of this thread and its several months before I get back.
I am Denise, I have a 3.5 yo named Nathan, and a DP whom I have been living with for the past 5 years.

My DS isn't a true only, He has a step brother and sister, but he only sees them once every few months. Otherwise I am living the lonely only life.

I was wondering what everyone was using for long term birth control. While I realize that nearly everyone here is pretty sure they only want one child. Right now i am charting and we use barriers. I know there is always a chance I could get pregnant even with careful charting.

Denise


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## caspian's mama

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neem

this is what i'd try if i wasn't opposed to having more kids. actually, i might have given it a shot regardless, if i had known before dp got snipped. supposedly it was tested rigorously on male volunteers from the indian army and ended up having like a 95% success rate, maybe higher. you can do a web search for the study, but it will probably be hard to find. women can use it too, but the success rate is lower and you have to apply the oil topically, i think. (that smell might be a BIG turnoff.







) now that i'm thinking about it, though, i don't know if dp could handle taking daily birth control.







if you wanted to take the chance, i'd make sure to get some really high quality stuff from a local health food store (if they don't have it they can usually order it).


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## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cutekid* 
Hello ladies, I always lose track of this thread and its several months before I get back.
I am Denise, I have a 3.5 yo named Nathan, and a DP whom I have been living with for the past 5 years.

My DS isn't a true only, He has a step brother and sister, but he only sees them once every few months. Otherwise I am living the lonely only life.

I was wondering what everyone was using for long term birth control. While I realize that nearly everyone here is pretty sure they only want one child. Right now i am charting and we use barriers. I know there is always a chance I could get pregnant even with careful charting.

Denise

I use the Mirena IUD. It's good for 5 years. and if we are still set on the only child decision, by the time the IUD stops working, dp will get the big v.

The IUD is really convenient and it works. (so far, has, at least)


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## ItsAllGood

*SUBFORUM FOR PARENTING AN ONLY CHILD*
Can we do a poll on this??
I have noticed the new names of some of the forums and new forums being added................isn't it about time we get an Only Child forum.
This has been suggested, have we ever gotten a definitive answer why this isn't being done or considered.
Inquiring minds who love their only children and would be so grateful for its own place to "meet" want to know.
If we need to generate a list of reasons, moderators please just let us know that.
thanks for listening


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## caspian's mama

i think the only child threads usually have (relatively) low activity. i assume this is why there's no forum as yet. we could have a "tribe" but they'll probably only go for a full forum if we can demonstrate need (or imbalance, like if there was a "parents of 3" forum). just sayin...


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## alexisyael

That link on neem sounds good...

Weirdly, I think I was using neem (for acne) when I first started trying to get pregnant (took almost 2 years to TTC). Makes me go "hmmmm..."


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## readytobedone

holy crap, this thread makes me feel almost normal!









i had a traumatic birth which is a huge factor in thinking i don't want anymore. but to be honest, there are other reasons...

i totally relate to the posts about not digging the infancy stage. my mom asked me tonight wasn't my life so much better in so many ways because of DD, and well, no, it's not.

that feels HORRIBLE to say. but the truth is, i hope and believe that when she is older i will feel all the ways my life has been enhanced by her. SHE is wonderful. that is not in contention. what is in contention is exactly how i am enriched by that...because right now, she's plenty cute, and i love her so much, but well, my life was just all around easier and more enjoyable before she was born.( gosh, that feels simultaneously good and awful to say!!!)

i've struggled with feeling like that's bad to say, that it's just the PPD talking (which i have had some of), but i don't think so. it's just, for me, the truth. i don't enjoy a single thing about poopy diapers and getting clawed, swatted, and bitten. i don't enjoy a single thing about digging mulch out of her mouth 20 times in a row because we can't go outside without her eating the lawn. i just don't like it.

the parts i do like are her pointing to things and saying the name of them (light! kitty cat!), reading pat the bunny with her and watching her learn how to do the actions--i like things that involve her acting like a person instead of a dirt-eating, pooping, crying, nightwaking BABY!

i know that when i'm lying on my death bed, being her mother is going to have been an insane honor. but a lot of why that is is intangible, or still to come.

anyway, i digress...point being, i get the only wanting one. i had someone tell me today that i should definitely have another one because i need to give her a sibling







which offended me not least because i had such a HORRIBLE birth and recovery (medically complicated) that i defy anyone to tell me i should go through that again.

i just wish it weren't socially acceptable to comment on only having one child...i don't say to people with 8 kids, "you're insane! why would you have 8 kids, so you could ignore 7 of them?"

FTR, i'm sure most people with multiple kids could handle that and would not be "ignoring" their kids, but i couldn't. even one more would be my utmost limit, and i think we will stop with one. it makes me feel so much better to read that others feel this way. i always feel like something is wrong with me that i don't want to go through the baby stage again. i also want a career (of some kind--planning to be a professor), i need something for myself! and feel it would be really hard to have that and parent to my standards (breastfeeding longterm/CLW, co-sleeping, home with DD halftime in her young years, able to be with her after school at least SOME in her school years).

i give big props to people who can do it, but for whatever reason i'm not built to be a mama of many...and it feels so good to read this thread and realize that is a legitimate person to be!!!









ETA: okay, no idea how the canadian flag got there...sorry!


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## chickenfeet

Hi! I might be a bit premature in joining as DD is only 11 mos, but we are not planning on having any more children. I had no idea how many people cared about the size of our family! My DH's stepmother (my SMIL?) starts sentences with "when you have your next baby..." My new mom friends just shake their heads and say "you'll change your mind soon." Even the mailman asks when we're going to have our second.

I have lots of reasons for wanting DD to remain an only:
DH & I were onlies, and we had it good! No sharing!

I want to enjoy every second of her life, without distractions.

I didn't like being pregnant.







: I had a great pregnancy and an easy delivery, but it was solely a means to an end for me.

I'm glad I'm not alone with my only! We're few and far between, at least in my little corner.


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## MommaShark

DH is done - he has all these projects n the property DS won't let him work on and to be honest having 2 terrifies me.....my 28 month old still wakes up at night and nurses a ton when sick...very spirited child.....


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## risala

Joining the conversation. We are having one for many of the same reasons. It's about knowing our limits and what is best for our family. My DH is the one that is 100% done, but I'm really starting to warm up to the idea. Reading this thread helps.

My question: How has your relationship with your other mom friends changed as they went on to have more children? Right now, with my son being 2.5 ALL of my IRL friends are either pregnant, trying, or have a newborn. If feel like sometimes there is a sense that they feel "sorry" for me, so they don't talk to me as much about the second baby. Also, I feel like we are loosing all of our playmates! Just when we are getting ready to take off and explore, everyone else is hunkering down with another baby. It's just a really strange time right now as my life is going down a different path. Has anyone else experienced this?


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *risala* 

My question: How has your relationship with your other mom friends changed as they went on to have more children? Right now, with my son being 2.5 ALL of my IRL friends are either pregnant, trying, or have a newborn. If feel like sometimes there is a sense that they feel "sorry" for me, so they don't talk to me as much about the second baby. Also, I feel like we are loosing all of our playmates! Just when we are getting ready to take off and explore, everyone else is hunkering down with another baby. It's just a really strange time right now as my life is going down a different path. Has anyone else experienced this?

I've wondered some of these same things. I have a lot of friends that are going to start TTC #2 this year and even though I don't like to admit it, it makes me feel a little weird. Most of these friends have LOs that are the same age as DD and I wonder what that's going to be like when it's harder for them to do things w/ us b/c they have a newborn to care for. Recently, one of my friends started asking me for advice about when to start TTC her second. Her DH would have liked to start TTC a while back and she can't decide when she wants to. It was very weird b/c the whole time I'm thinking, "You don't have to have a second, you know?" Or even if she feels like she does have to have another, I don't know why she thought I would be able to tell her how to decide when the time was right. Anyway, I just listened to her concerns and tried to validate her feelings, but it was an awkward conversation to be having.


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## alexisyael

Quote:


Originally Posted by *risala* 
My question: How has your relationship with your other mom friends changed as they went on to have more children?

My son is just turning 2 this month (!!!!!!). I have three close mama friends IRL (all moms of first-born kids around my son's age): none of them have started TTC yet, although one is pretty close (sometime this summer, I think). The other two are probably going to start trying eventually, but it'll be awhile.

I don't think any one I know other than me IRL is aiming for an only at this point. Maybe one of my friends... as her DD has gotten older, she's seemed less and less interested in having a second!

In this area, everybody jokes: 3 is the new 2. Meaning, more people are aiming for 3 kids now than 2. And there are PLENTY of people who have six or more kids around here.

Which is great, for them. For me, I don't think it would work!

In terms of mama-friends... it is more difficult (for me) to be friends [edit: not to be friends with, but to hang out with regularly] with mamas of multiple kids IRL. I don't know why that is: online, most of my mama-friends have multiple kids!!!! But in real life, I think I value a certain amount of spontaneity that is difficult to do when you have two or more kids. Really, I don't know... it'd be interesting to hear from moms who have older kids on this issue!


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## konamama

i have heard that same phrase; 3 is the new 2... i have friends with all different ages, ranging from 18-newborn and for me it hasn't been a real problem but maybe that is because dd, who is 5, likes to cruz with all ages so it works as a group interaction pretty well.


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## caspian's mama

on one hand, we always get invited to playgroups and such because there's only one of him. a "friend of a friend" mama i know has 4 pretty crazy boys and i guess she feels like she has to limit herself a lot. i'd hate having to do that. and what do you tell the kids? there are too many of them to go? i guess that's where the argument for having siblings to be your playmates comes in. it just sucks that they might end up being your only ones for a while.









on the other hand, it's hard to exchange child care with some of the mamas i'm closest to. we have good friends with 3 boys and i would certainly take them all (with dp's assistance) with little hesitation. of course there will be issues but at least we GET them whereas a babysitter might not have a clue. we're moving soon, though, and i'll be closer to 2 friends who each have one young child (one has a 15yo brother who lives out of state). we've talked a bit and are all very anxious to set something up asap, probably on a rotation system to maximize free grownup time and MAYBE even let some of us have double dates together- gasp! the long cold months will be SO much more tolerable if we can get that rolling.









i think what i still don't get is why the really hip mamas- the smokin, drinkin, naughty sex havin, nightclubbin b*tches i adore- keep having more. i finally realize that what everyone was saying was true- that i'll be a much better mom if i'm a whole person first. it's taken the past 2 years (and a lotta excruciating upheaval) to understand it and i'm still struggling many days, but just knowing has already changed me SO much. i have no problem now going out and getting crazy with a couple of my bestest girls on a saturday night and leaving dp home with cas. they often express how they "wish" they could share in my freedoms and i want to say "you do realize that, with each kid, the dream gets pushed a little further away, right?" ~sigh~


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## DaughterOfKali

Subbing so I'll remember to come back to this thread.


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## cutekid

Quote:


Originally Posted by *risala* 
Joining the conversation. We are having one for many of the same reasons. It's about knowing our limits and what is best for our family. My DH is the one that is 100% done, but I'm really starting to warm up to the idea. Reading this thread helps.

My question: How has your relationship with your other mom friends changed as they went on to have more children? Right now, with my son being 2.5 ALL of my IRL friends are either pregnant, trying, or have a newborn. If feel like sometimes there is a sense that they feel "sorry" for me, so they don't talk to me as much about the second baby. Also, I feel like we are loosing all of our playmates! Just when we are getting ready to take off and explore, everyone else is hunkering down with another baby. It's just a really strange time right now as my life is going down a different path. Has anyone else experienced this?


I know how you feel. I was in an awesome mom group that started with lots of first time moms. For the most part some of them were already to have more childern. Some of them had surprises. Suddenly I found myself no longer in the "Crowd". The mothers who had more than one child usually didn't really take my advice seriously. Plus there was the comparing of the second time around to the first. So that also put me out. Many of my friends are in the family planning stage of life and I am wanting to just move forward with my life.
In some ways I cannot relate to the moms who want more kids but I have met lots of older mommas who are done having childern..either one or more. It seem to be able to relate better with moms who are ready to move forward from having infants. I now hang out with lots of SAHM's who Homeschool. Many of them are done with having childern, they are all very happy with their decision.


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## konamama

IRL i have a bunch of folks who are also having a singleton... my cousin, 2-3 great girlfriends and a bunch of community friends... and my friends who do have more than one love hanging with us because we enjoy helping... dd loves playing with kids of all ages, loves holding babies and i'm always willing to give a helping hand as long as the multiples go home with them and not move into our scene ) i hope it stays this way.


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## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *risala* 
My question: How has your relationship with your other mom friends changed as they went on to have more children?

When my friends who had a child around the same time I did went on to have more children and I didn't it seemed like they were less interested in communicating and being around me. Those friendships have drifted away.

Friends I have made who had multiple kids already when we met seem to have less issue.


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## mrsb422

Hi mamas! My name is Jessica and like a few of the other posts I have read, though DS is only 10 mo, I am pretty sure he wil remain my one and only. I will also reiderate how comforting it is to finally find a grouping of women who understand that decision - whether it be a choice made by you or nature. I swear, I am so sick of the pressure from everyone out there to have another LO. I love children. I think I could have millions, but I just know that isn't a good idea and am trying to be mature about my reproductive activities, YKWIM?

Anyway, I don't have a whole lot of time right now (DS is super sick and DH just pulled in the driveway) so I gtg, but I'll check back later
















Nice to meet you all!


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## MichaelsSahm

I'm also a mom of my one and only 5 yr old son. We're sure that is our one and only. He is very spirited, high needs child. I could not imagine having to share my attention, i think it would be very hard. I enjoy being a Mom, i enjoy that we can just pack up go camping without having to worry about 2+ more kids. My son is happy, we're happy.
I watch a 3 month old baby girl 3 days a week, and i thought i'd have that baby need again, but when I had her a full weekend 2 weekends ago I was sure. I do not miss the waking every 2 hours at all. If I could pop out a 5 yr old however, i'd do it. LOL! j/k


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## EnviroBecca

Readytobedone wrote:

Quote:

i like things that involve her acting like a person instead of a dirt-eating, pooping, crying, nightwaking BABY!








I know just what you mean! I didn't have PPD and enjoyed the baby stage more than I expected--breastfeeding boosted my self-esteem, he was so cute, his constant changes were fascinating, and in many ways I just wore him and continued with my life--but all my life I'd looked forward to being the mama of a preschooler! Now that I am, it's great, and I don't want to miss any of it by getting overwhelmed with another pregnancy.

My closest IRL mom friend has a kid 2 months older than mine and one who just turned a year old. We talked about her second pregnancy and baby much less than the first...but she commented several times that she felt less interested in all the details because she'd done it before and she was busy with her toddler, so it wasn't just me!


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## earthgirl

It's interesting to read how many of us don't want to go through babyhodd/toddlerhood again. I sometimes feel terrible for thinking that, but I just really can't imagine doing all of this again. Of course I love being a mom and I have enjoyed more than I've disliked, but it's certainly not something I need to experience again. My DD is a pretty mellow and laid back girl, but still. She wears me out. I honestly cannot imagine trying to keep up w/ 2 or more. And who knows if I'd get an easy one again?


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## readytobedone

bumping...this thread is awesome for us mamas still deciding to have onlies!!!


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## widemouthedfrog

So, we went to the preschool introductory night, and dd's name was the only one with a blank next to "sibling". At not-quite-three!

And then the current teacher (not next year's) told me how important it was for onlies to go to preschool so they could play with others. Hmmm. I had been keeping her inside instead of letting her out to play with all of the kids in our townhouse complex. Guess I'd better stop that.









I don't like it when "onliness" is treated as a special need. Every child has a need to socialize and a need to be alone sometimes!


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## NYCVeg

I just got my first truly negative comment about dd being an only. I was at my parents' house w/ dd and my dad said, "All only children regret it when they grow up. She needs a sibling."

I was rendered speechless. Honestly, I do not know if I ever have been so livid in my life (especially b/c it's just a patently false statement--dh and I have three friends who are onlies and ALL of them told us that they loved being only children, had super close relationships with their parents, and wouldn't have wanted things to be different).

But three cheers for my mom who said to him, "Then you have them!"

widemouthedfrog...I'm not surprised at your preschool experience. We do classes at the local rec center with dd and there are usually 3-5 pregnant moms in every single class. I feel like I have less and less in common with other mothers as they have more children, honestly. I was never that keen on talking about sippy cups and sleep patterns to begin with--I honestly just don't find that stuff all that interesting. Once you have more than one, it seems like the "kidiness" just takes over conversations to the point where there's no room for anything else (I realize this is not true for everyone--just talking about my limited experience). I love my daughter, but I don't want to talk about her all day. I certainly don't want to talk about anyone else's kid all day!


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## earthgirl

I'm an only NYCVeg, so you can add me to the list of people who didn't have a problem w/ it!

Widemoutherdfrog, Sheez! ITA w/ your comment about onlies not being special needs. People are weird. I hate to tell you this, but as a former preschool teacher I know that overwhelmingly teachers tend to blame any "behavior problem" w/ onlies on the fact that the child is w/out siblings. This used to drive me absolutely crazy. It's just so ridiculous.


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## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I hate to tell you this, but as a former preschool teacher I know that overwhelmingly teachers tend to blame any "behavior problem" w/ onlies on the fact that the child is w/out siblings.

Lucky for us, next year's teacher is not only our neighbour, but the mama of an only son.







Although she did say he was equivalent to having two children.


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## babylonglegs

I'm all for a tribe, if it's still in question. I'm an only, and LOVED it. I recall an enormous fear that I would be presented with a sibling, and my tidy, safe little world would come crashing down! What I don't love is my only having no cousins, and an extended family that is far flung and not particularly close. Giving my child a bigger family is a ridiculous reason to have a second child, but that's what I think about in my petty moments.

Personally, I feel no need for a second right now. Yet the societal pressure is insane, not that I'm succumbing.


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## kangamitroo

my 4yo dd has stopped asking daily for me to have twins. instead, she asks for bunk beds. her subtlety is astonishing.









i have some days where i think that my well of patience is such that i should only have 1. and when dp has a busy work season (or a bout with mega-depression) i think our family resources can only handle one. but i am not committed eternally.

i actually would like to experience pregnancy and birthing again, but i know that now is not the time. and that, possibly, it will never be the time. and mostly that's ok.

sometimes i think that i won't have another only because of irrational fears--and that can't be the basis of any decision. i think, what is i end up with a very very high needs baby, like a severe disability? not meaning to sound harsh, but i would want to hang myself for how much that would change my life and dd's.

thanks for the space to share. i'm thinking about this and agonizing far too often. mostly i want to just enjoy the moment i have and the amazing child i live with now!


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
Lucky for us, next year's teacher is not only our neighbour, but the mama of an only son.







Although she did say he was equivalent to having two children.









That's great!


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## cutekid

Quote:


Originally Posted by *babylonglegs* 
I'm all for a tribe, if it's still in question. I'm an only, and LOVED it. I recall an enormous fear that I would be presented with a sibling, and my tidy, safe little world would come crashing down! What I don't love is my only having no cousins, and an extended family that is far flung and not particularly close. Giving my child a bigger family is a ridiculous reason to have a second child, but that's what I think about in my petty moments.

Personally, I feel no need for a second right now. Yet the societal pressure is insane, not that I'm succumbing.


I feel you. I wish my DS had cousins close by. My cousins and I grew up like brothers and sisters. In about 25 mile radius had about 12 cousins all of whom were within about 5 years of my age. My brother has a son and he might be an only as well. My sister has three kids..two of which are over th age of 8, and a new born. It remains to be seen if my little sister is going to have childern. She said she thinks she's infertile..three years living with her boyfriend, and no form of birth control. She certainly likes playing the aunt though. My niece can call her any time for money, and she always takes my DS out for ice cream and toys LOL.
I have met several women in my area who have only childern the same age as Nathan. Some of them are pretty sure they are done, and one of them not so much. At least I know there's a small community of families who are on the same track that I am on..family planning wise.


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## *bejeweled*

This is a fascinating thread. Every day I am more and more sure that we will have an only. And I am so content with this decision.


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## CatsCradle

I just found this thread, and honestly it is the first time I've heard/read so many positive comments about onelings! DH and I don't plan on having any more...we are quite content with our family unit of 3. Honestly, I think the stereotypical-spoiled-only-child thing is just that...stereotypical! I don't think concentrating your love, attention and affection on one child will spoil them. In fact, he/she will probably grow up to be self-confident and free from a lot of the baggage that some of us with siblings have. Spoiling, in my humble opinion, tends to happen when love and attention is substituted with material things or other substitutes for love. I don't think any one person can be loved too much.


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## risala

I had to share an experience in my classroom today. We were talking about the earthquake in China and the impact on families since China is predominately a nation of only children. One of my 7th graders asked me in all seriousness, "So they are all spoiled?" Talk about misconceptions! I wanted to point out that the most "spoiled" kids in the room were certainly not the only children, but I bit my tongue!


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## Emi'sMommy

Hi all.

My DD Emily is 6 and she is our only. We gave serious consideration to having more than one since DH is an only child but it wasn't happening for us. I was upset about it for a while but I'm comfortable with it now. I figure if it's meant to be it will happen on it's own and if not I have a beautiful little girl that means the world to us and that's good enough for me


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## Juliacat

I was just thinking today, Even if it _were_ true that only children somehow grow up damaged by it, it's still better than bringing an unwanted child into the world just because society tells you to....


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## MichaelsSahm

My almost 6 YO is an only child by choice. But I also babysit a 4 month old, so i get my baby fix and realized that I am not ready to have another baby yet. I can take care of the 4 month old, but at 2:30 PM she goes home. LOL!!


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## Nora'sMama

Hi - I think this is my first post to this thread, although I've been lurking for a long time.

I have a 3-yo dd and we do theoretically plan to have another, so let me know if my perspective is not welcome on this thread, I understand!!

BUT - the older dd gets, the less I feel like having another child. Like EnviroBecca, I enjoyed the baby stages, but have little desire to do it again. I have a lot of friends with babies and while I *love* holding them, I really do not get that visceral baby urge.

My big issue with having an only child, though, is that my dd doesn't have a playmate. I see the many people I know who have a 3-yo and a 1-yo and their kids are already playing together. Sure, they squabble over toys and all that, as well, but it's so nice both for the kids and the moms.

Dd wants me to play with her all day. I just don't think it's the best thing for me to be her only playmate. We have tons of playdates and she goes to a co-op preschool one day a week, and we do Gymboree, but she still really seems to want someone to play with most of the time, and it makes me feel bad that growing up she will either be in the company of adults or she will have to do stuff on her own, a lot.

There is always school, of course, and classes and playdates...she will have lots of friends, I'm sure, but nothing replaces a sibling who is always there. My sister is 3.5 years younger than I am and even though we fought A LOT as kids and gave my mom a lot of grief, we played a ton of games together, we were always together, and that was a very nice aspect of childhood. I think I'd have been quite lonely as an only.

So, I worry about this a lot. What are some of your thoughts on this? Do you think some children are better suited to being onlies than others? Perhaps some kids really do *need* a sibling, and others don't?

It also might be different if dd had cousins, or if we lived on a block where she could just play freely with the other kids her age so that she'd always have a playmate...but she has no cousins so far, none on the horizon, and that type of living situation does not seem to be likely in the future either. (For one thing, I'm not the kind of mom who is comfortable with kids roaming free in the neighborhood...at least, not unless I personally know all of the kids she is going to be playing with, and their parents.)


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## bri276

Quote:

All only children regret it when they grow up.
not true. my dh is a happy only. never wanted siblings when he was a kid, either- enjoyed having all the attention to himself.


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## EnviroBecca

I have a sibling only 2.5 years younger, but I often was lonely as a child. We didn't always want to play together, either because our interests were different or because we weren't getting along. I sometimes wished I had more siblings for that reason, but having more-available friends would've worked. We lived in a suburban area where life was very scheduled, you had to call people for playdates and often arrange them in advance, and kids were very booked-up. I would have been MORE lonely without my brother, but he wasn't a whole lot of compensation...usually if I was playing with him, I'd wish I had a friend over as well/instead.









EnviroKid has been asking for a baby sister this week. I tell him we'll just have to wait and see if another baby comes to our family. I mean, even if we were to decide we definitely want another child, both his dad and I are sub-fertile so there's no guarantee we could produce one.


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## AfricanQueen99

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
I just got my first truly negative comment about dd being an only. I was at my parents' house w/ dd and my dad said, "All only children regret it when they grow up. She needs a sibling."

I'm an only by choice and had a FANTASTIC childhood! My husband is an only by circumstance and his wasn't so pleasant - there was a lot of guilt growing up being the only. So, basically, your dad is sending the wrong message to your kid.







Or maybe she'll be bright as a whip and say "Grandpa I don't want to live with regret...I need a new doll." Ha!

We just have the one kid right now due to health stuff. We're not sure if I'll get well enough to carry another child - we might, we might not. Either way, I don't want my kid to have to carry the weight of this on her shoulders. I do love having only one right now.









I was at a playdate the other day and one of the ladies was talking about wanting another because she loves the nursing, the baby smell, the tiny toes, etc...then she said she isn't having another because "those sweet babies grow up!" I thought that was a riot.


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## RoundAbout

Hi. I posted on this thread way back but just wanted to jump in again since we are getting closer to making our decision permanent with DH getting info on vasectomy. Also I just had a playdate with another family which reminded me of why only having one is so great









Anyway we have an 18 month old son and our desire to have an only comes from a lot of reasons but a big one is DH's career. He is military (11 years in) and we currently live overseas. A lot of people who keep telling us we should have another child have no idea what it is like to be a military family. I gave birth alone while DH was deployed and was on my own for the first few months with no help. We have another deployment coming up next year and I have no desire to do _that_ again.

Even when DH _is_ here he works long/unreliable hours, is gone for weeks and months at a time with training, and we have no family nearby to help out. My civilian friends who have DH's with 9-to-5 jobs and live right nextdoor to grandma have no clue.

And yes, many military families have more than one kid, but a lot of them are really stressed because of it or they give up a lot to make it work. For example I was so happy last year when my husband's ship had a port call in Hong Kong and I was able able to fly down there with my 10 month old to spend a long weekend together in the middle of his deployment. My friend with 3 kids had to stay at home because of the expense and hassle. We have another friend - a military dad- who has basically given up his triathlon racing because the expense of taking his family of 5 out of town for a race is too great, and yet taking off for a weekend alone is not fair to his wife because he's already gone so much. So he just doesn't do that anymore and its too bad.

With one child we just feel so in balance as a family.

Anyway, I have a lot to say (especially since I was an only child myself and loved it) and will be posting more but just wanted to jump in and re-introduce myself. Looking forward to reading this thread again.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nora'sMama* 

So, I worry about this a lot. What are some of your thoughts on this? Do you think some children are better suited to being onlies than others? Perhaps some kids really do *need* a sibling, and others don't?

It also might be different if dd had cousins, or if we lived on a block where she could just play freely with the other kids her age so that she'd always have a playmate...but she has no cousins so far, none on the horizon, and that type of living situation does not seem to be likely in the future either.

My daughter also has no cousins and none likely for several more years. By then there will be such an age gap (5+ years), it is unlikely to make any substantial difference.

My problem is that I don't like raising my daughter in that situation where she has no family her own age. On the other hand, I just can't see having another kid. I have no interest, can't afford it in any capacity, don't want to deal with it. I also can't force my siblings and siblings-in-law to breed, so I am not sure what the real solution is.

Right now, the best I can do is put her in daycare and progress her to other social activities as she gets older like Girl Scouts and sports.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juliacat*
I was just thinking today, Even if it were true that only children somehow grow up damaged by it, it's still better than bringing an unwanted child into the world just because society tells you to...

Absolutely.


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## cutekid

I am back. I wasn't an only. I was the "middle child" of four kids. I am a text book middle child. I don't want that for my DS ....even though he is an only 85% of the year, he's the baby the rest of the time.
I recently came to the conclusion that I am going to do something more permanent as far as birth control. I told my DP that I truly do not want another child and do not want to risk it any more. So I am considering Essure. It seems to be the best option and there's no surgery.
I haven't fully evaluated this, on the surface it appears to be the best option.
My DP has no interest in having getting the Big V although its cheaper, less invasive.
That's my piece for now.


----------



## mean_jeannie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cutekid* 
So I am considering Essure. It seems to be the best option and there's no surgery.
I haven't fully evaluated this, on the surface it appears to be the best option.
My DP has no interest in having getting the Big V although its cheaper, less invasive.

What is Essure? Is it an IUD? I have the Mirena IUD and I have been very happy with it. I have had it in for 2 years with zero issues. And with maybe a total of 5 tiny periods which is a total bonus.

I was just thinking I was going to ask dh to get the "Big V" but it just doesn't seem worth it.

I never thought I would be sterilizing myself or my hubby, lol! My little only demands it though - I just can't do what I do for him along with another. Especially not since I WOHM full-time.


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mean_jeannie* 
What is Essure? Is it an IUD? I have the Mirena IUD and I have been very happy with it. I have had it in for 2 years with zero issues. And with maybe a total of 5 tiny periods which is a total bonus.

I was just thinking I was going to ask dh to get the "Big V" but it just doesn't seem worth it.

I never thought I would be sterilizing myself or my hubby, lol! My little only demands it though - I just can't do what I do for him along with another. Especially not since I WOHM full-time.

Basically it's little coils which are inserted into your fallopian tubes; scar tissue grows over the coils, resulting in blocked fallopian tubes. There's no surgery, and it has a quick recovery. I don't know anyone who has used this method, just read a bunch about it.


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## mean_jeannie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
Basically it's little coils which are inserted into your fallopian tubes; scar tissue grows over the coils, resulting in blocked fallopian tubes. There's no surgery, and it has a quick recovery. I don't know anyone who has used this method, just read a bunch about it.

Ah, I see. And no hormones either. Interesting.

Thanks for the enlightenment!


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## Phoenix_Rising

Hi! I'm so glad to have found this tribe. My story is likely a bit different than some of you on here (sorry, I don't have the time to read all 34 pages!) but my DS is an only child. He is 2.5 years old and DP and I will not have any more children. I am very much not okay with this.








I have always wanted more than one child, but because of circumstances beyond anyone's control it just won't happen. I hope to be able to read along and perhaps gain some acceptance of the fact that I will not have more children.


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## mean_jeannie

Hi, Susannah! I hope you are able to make peace with having an only, if that is in fact how it turns out. Some people are delighted to have an only, and others are not. I am on the fence. Sometimes I think I will try to have another, but it is very unlikely. I am also trying to find peace with it too.

Lots of people on this thread struggle with family and friends who try to pressure them to have more children when they very much do not - so we all have our own stuff to work through.

Welcome!


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## jaidymama

Hi I'm Heidi and I have a little boy, who has been an only. Not necessarily by choice. We were still focusing on raising ds, he turned 2 we built a house, my dh and I separated, then 8 months later we reconciled... And now, my ds is getting older and older... he'll be 4 shortly. So I'm thinking even if we have another child at this point it won't be the same affect as having siblings more closely spaced.

Anyways, I thought about having only one child for the rest of my life. I love my son and our relationship. I see my SIL with her 4 kids and wonder what kind of relationships she has with each of them. I'm not saying one is better or worse... But I do love the 1 kid situation. We have so much flexibility with schedule and travel!

But giving up the idea of having at least one more is really sad for me, and it's like my body really wants to do it all again. Although there's parts of me that think everything went really well the first time maybe I should not attempt it again for fear of failure I guess. Anyways, for now we're a ONE kid house, and I know it's such a different experience. I am looking forward to skimming a lot of these pages to see what others experiences are like.

Anyways, that's me.. a little nut in a cracked up shell.


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## jaidymama

I have a few questions about raising onlies...

Do any of you homeschool?

Do your children have a difficult time separating the idea of being a child from being an adult? Do they want to have the same level privileges, etc?


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## bu's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
Basically it's little coils which are inserted into your fallopian tubes; scar tissue grows over the coils, resulting in blocked fallopian tubes. There's no surgery, and it has a quick recovery. I don't know anyone who has used this method, just read a bunch about it.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *mean_jeannie* 
Ah, I see. And no hormones either. Interesting.

Thanks for the enlightenment!









Just wanted to say a friend of mine had this procedure done about a year & a half ago. I believe it's still considered surgery - just not the fully open your abdomen kind. I think it's still a bit more than invasive than a vasectomy (she did this procedure because her husband wouldn't get one). She's very happy with the results and has had no major side effects, just typical recovery things.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jaidymama* 
I have a few questions about raising onlies...

Do any of you homeschool?

Do your children have a difficult time separating the idea of being a child from being an adult? Do they want to have the same level privileges, etc?

DD is only 19 mos, but we will most likely end up homeschooling. There is someone on this thread who has an older only that was homeschooled. I can't remember who, but maybe she'll pipe up.

And can you elaborate a bit on your last 2 questions? Are you asking if our onlies expect to be treated like adults in a sense? I'm an only so I'm thinking of this in terms of my own childhood, but I just want to be certain I understand what you are asking.


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## Phoenix_Rising

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mean_jeannie* 
Hi, Susannah! I hope you are able to make peace with having an only, if that is in fact how it turns out. Some people are delighted to have an only, and others are not. I am on the fence. Sometimes I think I will try to have another, but it is very unlikely. I am also trying to find peace with it too.

Lots of people on this thread struggle with family and friends who try to pressure them to have more children when they very much do not - so we all have our own stuff to work through.

Welcome!









Thanks for the welcome


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## kangamitroo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mean_jeannie* 
I am on the fence. Sometimes I think I will try to have another, but it is very unlikely. I am also trying to find peace with it too.

this is me lately. i also join in the "wanting but waiting" thread, to sort out my feelings. i am trusting that however it works out, it will be fine. i love my daughter and she is thriving--this is the most important.


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## boatbaby

I hope this is a safe place to say this...
...lately I am so grateful for my decision to have an only! Between reading posts right here on MDC and hearing/ seeing my real life friends with 2+ kids it seems like everyone I know is miserable coping with the day to day of juggling more than one kid. And I find as DS gets older and easier I am just loving life more and more. The hard part is relating. I am looking forward to going on spontaneous outings and trips with DS, I love taking walks with him, we have lovely little lunches together... but I am surrounded by people who are really struggling or constantly yelling at their kids.
Of course I have my ups and downs with DS, but overall he is a joy and we have struck a lovely balance. I want to be able to reach out and say something comforting to help my friends, but all I can think it "well, you made this decision now you have to deal with it."








:


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## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
I hope this is a safe place to say this...
...lately I am so grateful for my decision to have an only! Between reading posts right here on MDC and hearing/ seeing my real life friends with 2+ kids it seems like everyone I know is miserable coping with the day to day of juggling more than one kid. And I find as DS gets older and easier I am just loving life more and more. The hard part is relating. I am looking forward to going on spontaneous outings and trips with DS, I love taking walks with him, we have lovely little lunches together... but I am surrounded by people who are really struggling or constantly yelling at their kids.
Of course I have my ups and downs with DS, but overall he is a joy and we have struck a lovely balance. I want to be able to reach out and say something comforting to help my friends, but all I can think it "well, you made this decision now you have to deal with it."








:










That is EXACTLY how DH and I feel. EXACTLY!


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## MichaelsSahm

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
I hope this is a safe place to say this...
...lately I am so grateful for my decision to have an only! Between reading posts right here on MDC and hearing/ seeing my real life friends with 2+ kids it seems like everyone I know is miserable coping with the day to day of juggling more than one kid. And I find as DS gets older and easier I am just loving life more and more. The hard part is relating. I am looking forward to going on spontaneous outings and trips with DS, I love taking walks with him, we have lovely little lunches together... but I am surrounded by people who are really struggling or constantly yelling at their kids.
Of course I have my ups and downs with DS, but overall he is a joy and we have struck a lovely balance. I want to be able to reach out and say something comforting to help my friends, but all I can think it "well, you made this decision now you have to deal with it."








:









I feel like this as well. I just love our life just us three. And if that is a crime, I am happily to commit that crime.


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## Kayaking Mama

Right there with ya, boatbaby!


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## mean_jeannie

boatbaby - this is definitely a safe place to say that! My sister and BIL struggle so much with just their two it always gives me pause when I think about having another. I would like to imagine I could manage two kids better than they do, that I have some magic method of raising children but







is all I can say about that!!!!

Yeah, one LO is pretty sweet!


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## caspian's mama

ds turned 5 in june and things have been amazing so far. he's all about going on "dates" with me or his dad and we can do stuff that we find worthwhile too, without having to cater to a younger sibling. unfortunately, now that he *is* five, we have to start paying for more events (concerts etc) than we did before but at least we don't have to pay double or triple that! he's also home(un)schooled so we can just drop life and take off at a moment's notice. i really really want to take him cross country in 2009 or 10, especially since our friends just moved to OR.

i really liked him as a baby, high needs and all, but his behavior lately has been a lot more manageable. i like our conversations to end with us seeing eye-to-eye but, even if they don't, at least now i really know that he has heard and understood my words, whereas i wondered whether i was "talking to the wall" when he was younger.

oh! and just the 2 of us went camping over the 4th. it was like a dream- no yelling, no nothing- just good times all around. i felt bad when i watched my other parent friends not able to swim with the big boys because they had to play in the sand with the babies or whatever. i never want my child to have to "share" me. i have a lot of mood issues and am generally spread pretty thin as it is. there's no way on this earth i have the emotional resources to care for a second (or more!) child. and, damnit, i don't want to! my myspace name is "caspianrocks" and he so totally does.


----------



## MichaelsSahm

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
ds turned 5 in june and things have been amazing so far. he's all about going on "dates" with me or his dad and we can do stuff that we find worthwhile too, without having to cater to a younger sibling. unfortunately, now that he *is* five, we have to start paying for more events (concerts etc) than we did before but at least we don't have to pay double or triple that! he's also home(un)schooled so we can just drop life and take off at a moment's notice. i really really want to take him cross country in 2009 or 10, especially since our friends just moved to OR.

i really liked him as a baby, high needs and all, but his behavior lately has been a lot more manageable. i like our conversations to end with us seeing eye-to-eye but, even if they don't, at least now i really know that he has heard and understood my words, whereas i wondered whether i was "talking to the wall" when he was younger.

oh! and just the 2 of us went camping over the 4th. it was like a dream- no yelling, no nothing- just good times all around. i felt bad when i watched my other parent friends not able to swim with the big boys because they had to play in the sand with the babies or whatever. i never want my child to have to "share" me. i have a lot of mood issues and am generally spread pretty thin as it is. there's no way on this earth i have the emotional resources to care for a second (or more!) child. and, damnit, i don't want to! my myspace name is "caspianrocks" and he so totally does.









I loved reading this. And you're in trouble now, you gave out your myspace s/n and now I will have to stalk you there. ROFL!!!!


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## earthgirl

I am also finding as DD gets older there seem to be so many blissful moments. DD has always been a super-easy LO, but that first year was beyond hard. I can't for the life of me imagining "disturbing the peace" w/ a newborn. Of course, I suppose it's that type of thinking that gets us parents of onlies labeled as selfish. Oh well! I have plenty of reasons that I only want one, many of them are very unselfish, IMO. Anyway, I am feeling more and more that our family is complete and I really like it this way.


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## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I have plenty of reasons that I only want one, many of them are very unselfish, IMO.

i'm going to jump in and guess you're talking about more kids equaling a heavier burden on the (already way overtaxed) planet. what hurts me the most is when i see my otherwise very socially responsible friends having to sacrifice ideals (organic food, not shopping at walmart, driving a smaller car) because their families have outgrown their means. i *know* they've made the mental connection too. i just wish more people would stop and consider that *before* #2 or 3 (or more) comes along.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
i'm going to jump in and guess you're talking about more kids equaling a heavier burden on the (already way overtaxed) planet. what hurts me the most is when i see my otherwise very socially responsible friends having to sacrifice ideals (organic food, not shopping at walmart, driving a smaller car) because their families have outgrown their means. i *know* they've made the mental connection too. i just wish more people would stop and consider that *before* #2 or 3 (or more) comes along.









Yep, that is certainly one reason, especially for DH. I don't often bring this up because so many people think it's nonsense.


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## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
Yep, that is certainly one reason, especially for DH. I don't often bring this up because so many people think it's nonsense.

Gah! I don't think it's nonsense! Why would it be nonsense?
I'm enjoying the higher gas prices, living more locally and all of the movement that is starting to go along with it, even in the mainstream. Of course, that is here in Vancouver.







I think that having children requires faith in the abundance of the world and/or a higher power. For me it does, anyway. At the moment, I don't have a lot of faith in the world's ability to sustain infinite numbers of people consuming at a high level.

That said, the more practical reason we are not having another is the fact that dh really, really hated the physical health issues and the sleep deprivation of the first year and a half. I grieve for that, because I wish that he felt positive about the experience of having the first one. Then we would be able to have a discussion about issues like the one above and decide whether to have another child. For us, my dh's capacity for dealing with chaos is the limiting factor.


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## caspian's mama

it's certainly not nonsense but, aside from in here, i feel like it's *seriously* taboo to discuss. and it breaks my heart to see people trying to eat local, be green, etc etc but it never occurs to them to stop having kids. just because the eggs are there does *not* mean they're all supposed to be fertilized!







:


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## mean_jeannie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
it's certainly not nonsense but, aside from in here, i feel like it's *seriously* taboo to discuss. and it breaks my heart to see people trying to eat local, be green, etc etc but it never occurs to them to stop having kids. just because the eggs are there does *not* mean they're all supposed to be fertilized!







:

I know I get the big eyeroll whenever I suggest it - people think it's flaky garbage. I mean, I'm still the bad mommy for not giving ds a sibling yet, forget about saving the planet! Ds need a playmate, dammit!!


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mean_jeannie* 
I know I get the big eyeroll whenever I suggest it - people think it's flaky garbage. I mean, I'm still the bad mommy for not giving ds a sibling yet, forget about saving the planet! Ds need a playmate, dammit!!


















Yes, that's the word. People automatically assume I'm some wacky, out-there environmentalist when I bring it up. I mean, I do consider myself an environmentalist, but somehow the idea that you consider your reproductive choices in those terms just comes across as crazy to most people.


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## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
Yes, that's the word. People automatically assume I'm some wacky, out-there environmentalist when I bring it up. I mean, I do consider myself an environmentalist, but somehow the idea that you consider your reproductive choices in those terms just comes across as crazy to most people.

Oh dear, I guess that people think I am crazy, then.







I suspect that they think I am a little eccentric anyway, and my opinions on this (when I choose to share them) therefore come as no surprise.

It's hard to say that to someone with more than one child and come off nicely, though. I do think it's something people should think about, but it's not as if I'm saying that their second child should not exist!

Come to think of it, when I used this argument for not having a child at all, my mom did roll her eyes. Distinctly. However, as it looks like I will be the only one on either side reproducing, I've already won the "most prolific reproducer" award by having one child.









Naughty, naughty. And anyway, I do want another child, but this is one of the things that persuades me that having one is a good idea.

ETA: I've done an awful lot of flying this year (three times in 12 months), and the same eye-roll comes when I tell people that I am really, really going to try to avoid flying in the future. Especially when all of our siblings are 4 hours+ away on the plane. I think that perceptions of what is good for your family tend to win out over environment in decisions most of the time.


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## EnviroBecca

Is anybody else getting pressure to have more kids because your siblings aren't having any? My only sibling's been saying he wouldn't have kids since he was in college, but my parents hoped he'd change his mind; now he's engaged and buying a house, so they made some comment about future children and he finally told them that he had a vasectomy years ago. Now I am bracing for these comments from my parents:

"We'd really love to have more than one grandchild."

"EnviroKid will be lonely with no cousins AND no sibling."

"Who will carry on the family name?" (To my surprise, they were upset that I wouldn't consider giving my child my last name rather than EnviroDaddy's. I like his name better, that's all! My generation with that last name is only myself, my brother, and my female cousin who married and took her husband's name.)

Any suggestions for pleasant, reasonable comebacks? My parents are pretty nice about these things, and I don't anticipate huge pressure, but I know they have these concerns and possibly others I haven't heard yet.


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## nnodnar

Hi! I just wanted to join in. My partner and I are both the oldest of three and we've always planned on just one (who is due in November!). Lately I've been wavering slightly on this though. My brother moved back to town a few months ago and although we've always been somewhat close I've really enjoyed reconnecting with him and am wondering if that sort of relationship isn't something I'd like my little one to have (and two is my absolute, no questions, tubal asap maximum). Reading about all your one and onlies and all the great things about having just one is really making me doubt that decision less. Thanks mamas!


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## mean_jeannie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EnviroBecca* 
Is anybody else getting pressure to have more kids because your siblings aren't having any? My only sibling's been saying he wouldn't have kids since he was in college, but my parents hoped he'd change his mind; now he's engaged and buying a house, so they made some comment about future children and he finally told them that he had a vasectomy years ago. Now I am bracing for these comments from my parents:

"We'd really love to have more than one grandchild."

"EnviroKid will be lonely with no cousins AND no sibling."

"Who will carry on the family name?" (To my surprise, they were upset that I wouldn't consider giving my child my last name rather than EnviroDaddy's. I like his name better, that's all! My generation with that last name is only myself, my brother, and my female cousin who married and took her husband's name.)

Any suggestions for pleasant, reasonable comebacks? My parents are pretty nice about these things, and I don't anticipate huge pressure, but I know they have these concerns and possibly others I haven't heard yet.

I'm bumping for this! I don't have any good ideas except:

"I know."

"No, EnviroKid has you!"

"Who cares?"

Okay, those are not very nice or gentle, so we need better comebacks than that!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *nnodnar* 
Hi! I just wanted to join in. My partner and I are both the oldest of three and we've always planned on just one (who is due in November!). Lately I've been wavering slightly on this though. My brother moved back to town a few months ago and although we've always been somewhat close I've really enjoyed reconnecting with him and am wondering if that sort of relationship isn't something I'd like my little one to have (and two is my absolute, no questions, tubal asap maximum). Reading about all your one and onlies and all the great things about having just one is really making me doubt that decision less. Thanks mamas!


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## Emmy'sMom

I am so glad I found this thread...

I thought that as dd got older I would want another. She just turned one and I have absolutely no desire. I loved being pregnant and having a newborn but because it was Emmaline. I loved being pregnant with her and miss her as a newborn, I think that is different from wanting another... This past year was challenging due to my health and the accompanying sleep deprivation and the fact that I had to woh and I can't imagine going through it all again (I told my dh that I do not want another if I have to work). And I love just being all about Emmaline.

My main concern has been how she will turn out being an only. I am a teacher and only have two kids in my class that are onlies and they are both odd kids with some social and emotional problems. I have no idea if their problems have anything to do with not having siblings but that is what i thought of when I thought of Emmaline being an only!! It was so good to read these post by only children and hear it was not so bad







.

Like I said, I am so glad to have found this thread, reading it has made me feel good about having only one!


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## User101

Hey there! In keeping with the FYT guidelines, and our desire to keep FYT as a place where people don't feel like they have to explain or defend their choices, I have removed several posts and responses. Feel free to PM me or another moderator with any questions or concerns.


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## rupiezum

Thank you, Annettemarie.


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## Chantelle691

Hi all, loved reading this thread.









I'm a single (divorced) mama of one, she's 7. I'm having so much fun with her and early in my marriage I never thought I'd have just one, but it's so right for me now. She and are a team and we have a blast together.

Going to sub to this thread.


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## onlyzombiecat

Does anyone notice that as children get older people with more than one child seem to develop a less flexible/harsher attitude toward children?
I don't mean they are not caring and loving parents but that they have an attitude toward their kids of "I'm the parent and this is what our family is doing. You will like it. No discussion. No whining."

I guess I find that as a family of three we discuss a lot of things with dd and try to find a mutual preference or a compromise. Dd (8) seems to have more of an equal say in what our family does than in families we know with more than one child. Is that something other parents of onlies are noticing as their child gets older?

Does considering your child's voice more equal within your family make them seem spoiled to outsiders?


----------



## bu's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
Does anyone notice that as children get older people with more than one child seem to develop a less flexible/harsher attitude toward children?
I don't mean they are not caring and loving parents but that they have an attitude toward their kids of "I'm the parent and this is what our family is doing. You will like it. No discussion. No whining."

I guess I find that as a family of three we discuss a lot of things with dd and try to find a mutual preference or a compromise. Dd (8) seems to have more of an equal say in what our family does than in families we know with more than one child. Is that something other parents of onlies are noticing as their child gets older?

Does considering your child's voice more equal within your family make them seem spoiled to outsiders?

I noticed this when dd was 3! The inlaws wanted to take dd to a family event an hour or so away the day before her birthday. I wasn't going b/c I was preparing things for her party. I said something along the lines of she's not going because she told me she doesn't want to go (dd was very attached & mil is overbearing & they were going to be over an hour away) and mil said something like 'she doesn't get to make that decision' I was like she just did, she's not going. And yes - I definitely think this made my mil think she was 'spoiled'

DD is now 6 & now it's just two of us & there is a lot more freedom with one. I got *a lot* of "this is what we're doing, now like it" as the youngest of three & never felt like I had a voice. I didn't want dd to feel the same way. As a single parent there are many things we have to do, usually at an appointed time, but I make sure her voice is heard & she has input into our family.

My brother definitely thinks she is spoiled but wouldn't dare say anything. He has 3 little ones & another due any day. He's very authoritarian & there is a lot of do as I say. I understand the need to get everyone on the same page to get anything done, but I'm also very glad I don't have to deal with it very often.


----------



## loitering

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
Does anyone notice that as children get older people with more than one child seem to develop a less flexible/harsher attitude toward children?
I don't mean they are not caring and loving parents but that they have an attitude toward their kids of "I'm the parent and this is what our family is doing. You will like it. No discussion. No whining."

I guess I find that as a family of three we discuss a lot of things with dd and try to find a mutual preference or a compromise. Dd (8) seems to have more of an equal say in what our family does than in families we know with more than one child. Is that something other parents of onlies are noticing as their child gets older?

Does considering your child's voice more equal within your family make them seem spoiled to outsiders?

The proof I need to be sure that I cannot have more than one child (at a time) is picturing what *I* would be like with 2-3 little ones. I know I would be one of the completely stressed out, snappy moms who can't deal. I realize that some other moms are capable of it, but I'm not.


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## Indigo73

OMG! Yes... Had all sorts of attitude from my DPs family this weekend.

We went to a family picnic, DS was the only child there. It had rained earlier so quite a few folk hadn't showed. So we left at 7. My son was tired and cranky and asked to go home, DP and I agreed promptly.

Several family members piped up as we were leaving with remarks like, "R is king in that family." "Yeah, we see who is boss there."

Jeeze Louise, I am sorry I was 30 when I had my child (most of the cousins on both sides of the family started families by 15 - 17). Sorry that he is allowed to have a valid and considered opinions. Sorry we don't come to each and every family event because we have other things to. Sorry we aren't giving him a couple of playmates in-house. Blah.








okay vent over... Just feeling a bit raw.


----------



## caspian's mama

_i can add a few more "sorries" to that list..._









sorry my kid would rather hold my hand than a stuffed animal when he falls asleep.

sorry he'd rather make music, draw, and watch movies than fight over toys with a sibling.

sorry you're so jealous that i don't have to split my energy between 2+ kids.

sorry i can still (usually) afford to buy organic and not shop at target and not buy a humongous car.

sorry my kid gets along with everyone because he's never been taught to denigrate other age groups by being called "babyish" for not following a set development timeline.

sorry your kid's birth/ nursing experience/ vax schedule/ et cetera was _so_ awful you feel the need to "keep practicing" (presumably making your eldest feel like crap in the meantime).

sorry i value my kid's emotional health and growth just as much as my own.

sorry you can't afford a babysitter so you push your eldest to grow up too fast and take care of the other kids.

sorry my kid actually _enjoys_ sharing his food and toys because he's never been forced to do it.

sorry my kid's not acting like a *@$#% brat at playgroup because i'm not too busy chasing down the "little ones" to pay attention to him.
_

uggh. i probably have a few more but i've ranted enough for one day. whew!_


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## jaidymama

Responses to those who want you to have more children:

Other Person: Birth more children!
Me: I'd love to, can I send you the bill? Would you like to be the surrogate parent? Perhaps you'd like to come live with me so you can clean, cook, and change diapers at all hours of the night.

Ok, here's what might sound better:
If you really must know, currently we are enjoying and nurturing the child we have. Regardless of whether or not we are capable of having another child, our family is complete. It sounds like you really enjoy children, have you considered volunteering with a school?

(for sake of limiting the argument, I wouldn't want to bring up things like practicality because it opens the door for rebuttals. Short and sweet, then turn it back on them).


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## jaidymama

I'm wondering if there is a statistic as to how many families are single child families??


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## widemouthedfrog

bossy onlies:
so, my dd had a blast with another family (good friends) who have two kiddos. One is a year older than dd, one three years older than dd.

I noticed that my dd was being a bit - ahem - "directive" with the other little girl. She is usually quite reserved, so this surprised me. Our friend said that onlies tend to be a little bossy.







In a nice way, of course.

I realized that dd wasn't really being bossy, though. When she is at home she is completely able to direct her own play. She plays by herself in her own imaginary worlds. I am 3 1/2 years older than my sister, and so we were not close playmates for a long time. I did the same thing.

It was interesting watching dd trying to integrate others into her world of play. She has just started with joint play instead of parallel play, so this is a time of learning how to play with others.

In her case, it isn't so much of "hey, here's another kid, let's steamroller her with my opinions because I always get my own way". It's much more "this is how I do things...wow, this other kid has opinions too...how does this fit?"

Just a quick perspective on onlies and bossiness.


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## earthgirl

I had a reputation for being bossy, too. I'm an only, btw. I never thought about it as being an only child thing, though. You've given me something to think about.


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## caspian's mama

bah. don't think *too* hard about it.







i'm bossy as hell and i probably got most of it from talking down to my little brother... to displace how i felt after my parents talked down to me.







i think people just looove to make judgments to excuse their discomfort with my family size when the issue is really personality.


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## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
bah. don't think *too* hard about it.







i'm bossy as hell and i probably got most of it from talking down to my little brother... to displace how i felt after my parents talked down to me.







i think people just looove to make judgments to excuse their discomfort with my family size when the issue is really personality.









Yeah, I'm bossy, too - and I'm a middle child.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
Does anyone notice that as children get older people with more than one child seem to develop a less flexible/harsher attitude toward children?
I don't mean they are not caring and loving parents but that they have an attitude toward their kids of "I'm the parent and this is what our family is doing. You will like it. No discussion. No whining."

I guess I find that as a family of three we discuss a lot of things with dd and try to find a mutual preference or a compromise. Dd (8) seems to have more of an equal say in what our family does than in families we know with more than one child. Is that something other parents of onlies are noticing as their child gets older?

Does considering your child's voice more equal within your family make them seem spoiled to outsiders?

One of my friend's from high school was an only (actually, several were) and when we talked to her about our decision to have just one, she talked about this with me--she said one of her favorite parts about being an only was being an equal member of the family and being included in decisions, rather than there being a kids vs. parents dynamic.


----------



## Jecca

my dd is an only and bossy but i think well really im pretty sure she'd be like that even if she had siblings cause she's been like that since she could talk........


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## caspian's mama

what's really weird is that she doesn't clash with cas when they're together. you'd assume two onlies in a room would combust but he's usually totally happy to let her direct the play or, at least, take turns. i think it's mainly because he's grateful to get a break from having to amuse himself 85% of the time.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
_i can add a few more "sorries" to that list..._









sorry you're so jealous that i don't have to split my energy between 2+ kids.

sorry i can still (usually) afford to buy organic and not shop at target and not buy a humongous car.

sorry your kid's birth/ nursing experience/ vax schedule/ et cetera was _so_ awful you feel the need to "keep practicing" (presumably making your eldest feel like crap in the meantime).

sorry you can't afford a babysitter so you push your eldest to grow up too fast and take care of the other kids.


The last one is so true. I was the oldest of three. Guess who had to play mommy and free babysitter after my parents divorced?







Mind you, I was only 11 when this started.

Like I posted eariler, I am not sure why people have kids to make up for the bad experience with the prior children. That's just saying to the other kids, I screwed up with you and can't deal with it except to keep trying for that perfect experience that you simply weren't. That isn't a really good reason in my opinion to keep shooting them out, but whatever.

I had another wake up call recently to why I can't have more kids for financial reasons due to the cost of international airfare. I could not afford it with more children and it is very important to all of us that she returns to her second country at least once a year. I do enjoy what I can afford my daughter just simply because she is my only child. For another example, I live in a nice new apartment with all the trimmings in a good area. I couldn't afford a three bedroom in it, but a two bedroom fits well in the budget.

Quote:

The proof I need to be sure that I cannot have more than one child (at a time) is picturing what *I* would be like with 2-3 little ones. I know I would be one of the completely stressed out, snappy moms who can't deal. I realize that some other moms are capable of it, but I'm not.
This is so me, it is ridiculous. I absolutely love my daughter to bits, but I realize, deep in my heart and head, that she is all I can handle and on some bad, terrible days, I wonder even if I can handle her. I am not having more children just as a favor to everyone, including myself. I think part of being a good parent is knowing your limits.

My daughter will be 2.5 next month and I thought that I would maybe rethink my decision as she gets older, but time seems to only reinforce the choice to stop while I am ahead. I have no desire to be pregnant again, to birth again, to nurse again, to have an infant again. I just feel very at peace and satisfied with the way things are.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
This is so me, it is ridiculous. I absolutely love my daughter to bits, but I realize, deep in my heart and head, that she is all I can handle and on some bad, terrible days, I wonder even if I can handle her. I am not having more children just as a favor to everyone, including myself. I think part of being a good parent is knowing your limits.

My daughter will be 2.5 next month and I thought that I would maybe rethink my decision as she gets older, but time seems to only reinforce the choice to stop while I am ahead. I have no desire to be pregnant again, to birth again, to nurse again, to have an infant again. I just feel very at peace and satisfied with the way things are.

A big "yeah that!" to everything you wrote. I feel like everyone around us is waiting for us to change our minds as dd gets older--but as she gets older (she's also almost 2.5) we feel more and more confident in our decision. And, honestly, I think that knowing your own limits is the most selfLESS thing you can do for your child or children. I simply would not be a good mother to dd if I had another child to contend with.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
Yes, that's the word. People automatically assume I'm some wacky, out-there environmentalist when I bring it up. I mean, I do consider myself an environmentalist, but somehow the idea that you consider your reproductive choices in those terms just comes across as crazy to most people.

Thank you. Naturally, the best number of children to have for environmental reasons is zero. However, one is a good enough compromise because it still has the effect of working towards the lowering of the overall population. One child still uses his/her fair share of resources, but ultimately, the impact is lower than 2 or more. That is just math.

Quote:

I feel like everyone around us is waiting for us to change our minds
A guy at work who has quite a few kids asked me about my daughter and we started talking about kids in general. I said there was no way my husband and I were having more and had taken...steps...to prevent it. He told me that was cheating! HAHAHAHA! He is a very nice guy though, I just thought it was funny.

My family knows about the vasectomy, so they don't bother asking. Apparently, my mother has moved on to harassing my sister for children. She is on the childfree fence, so it annoys the crap out of her too, the question of when are you going to pop some out.


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## Samm

Hi -

I have a 5 yr old only and have been lurking here for a while. So, hi all!

This last string of posts have really struck a cord with me. I know in my heart of heart I am done - any more children and well - I don't think it would be pretty







:. (I had serious PPD and it's just not in my temperament).

Anywho, my husband does not feel the same . . . It's a huge undercurrent of tension for us. I can't talk about it anymore - there's no 'negotiating' this one for me and he's talked to a counselor a couple of times, but doesn't see how that will 'help'.

I just soooo want to move on and be done with it and be in the moment and enjoy the family we have NOW.

Any BTDT words of wisdom for me would be much appreciated.

Samm


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## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
bossy onlies:
so, my dd had a blast with another family (good friends) who have two kiddos. One is a year older than dd, one three years older than dd.

I noticed that my dd was being a bit - ahem - "directive" with the other little girl. She is usually quite reserved, so this surprised me. Our friend said that onlies tend to be a little bossy.







In a nice way, of course.

I realized that dd wasn't really being bossy, though. When she is at home she is completely able to direct her own play. She plays by herself in her own imaginary worlds. I am 3 1/2 years older than my sister, and so we were not close playmates for a long time. I did the same thing.

It was interesting watching dd trying to integrate others into her world of play. She has just started with joint play instead of parallel play, so this is a time of learning how to play with others.

In her case, it isn't so much of "hey, here's another kid, let's steamroller her with my opinions because I always get my own way". It's much more "this is how I do things...wow, this other kid has opinions too...how does this fit?"

Just a quick perspective on onlies and bossiness.

It's funny that people like to stereotype age appropriate behaviors or personality traits on being an only.
When my dd plays with other kids she isn't bossy at all. She can be a little too passive and easy going if anything.
We do know bossy kids who are onlies and bossy kids who have siblings.

My older siblings very much bossed me around. Maybe they didn't boss their friends but they were bossy with anyone younger.


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## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samm* 
Hi -

I have a 5 yr old only and have been lurking here for a while. So, hi all!

This last string of posts have really struck a cord with me. I know in my heart of heart I am done - any more children and well - I don't think it would be pretty







:. (I had serious PPD and it's just not in my temperament).

Anywho, my husband does not feel the same . . . It's a huge undercurrent of tension for us. I can't talk about it anymore - there's no 'negotiating' this one for me and he's talked to a counselor a couple of times, but doesn't see how that will 'help'.

I just soooo want to move on and be done with it and be in the moment and enjoy the family we have NOW.

Any BTDT words of wisdom for me would be much appreciated.

Samm


It is disrespectful to expect you to carry and birth a child you don't want or expect you to care for a child when you can't handle more.
I imagine that for a spouse who wants more children it could be frustrating when their partner doesn't share that desire. I'd think at that point the person would have to decide if the desire to stay with their dp is stronger than the desire for more children.
If you are truly at different places in terms of the family you want and still want to stay together I don't know what to suggest but counseling.

My dh and I were in agreement. We decided when dd was a year old.
We sat down and each made an honest pro & con list for each decision. It was very clear what was best for us and our family.
We made the decision permanent when dd was 3 and have been happy since.

We did discuss that if we change our minds about what we have to give when dd is older and decided that we were comfortable with adoption or foster care. If we ever did that I would honestly prefer bringing an older child into our family.


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## caspian's mama

sorry, mama. no btdt. just a







. sorry he's not backing down but i don't suggest that you do either. it could ruin your marriage, the relationship you have with your child now, AND your self esteem. good luck.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 

I have no desire to be pregnant again, to birth again, to nurse again, to have an infant again. I just feel very at peace and satisfied with the way things are.

I am almost there. I go back and forth on the pregnancy thing. I had an easy-breezy pregnancy, and an equally easy labor. It was such an amazing and profound experience that I get really sad thinking that I will never experience it again. But I am so with you on not wanting to have an infant again. DD was a super mellow baby, and so far has remained a pretty mellow toddler, but she still manages to stress me out. I know people always say you forget how hard those first months were, but I sure haven't forgotten. I don't know if it's b/c DH and I literally had no help or what, but when I think back to those early days I just thank God that they're over! Also, DD is so close to sleeping through the night that I get downright giddy just thinking about it.









OK, on a different note, I started thinking about the bossy thing. I'm a former preschool teacher and the three kids that I can think that were the most bossy were all the youngest in the family. I agree that any time an only has a "personality flaw" people automatically assume it's b/c they need a sibling. Drives me nuts!


----------



## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I know people always say you forget how hard those first months were, *but I sure haven't forgotten*. I don't know if it's b/c DH and I literally had no help or what, but when I think back to those early days I just thank God that they're over!

I am so with you on this one. I never want to go back to that place/time/those feelings. EVER!


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## widemouthedfrog

Samm, hugs to you. I am the one who is "on the fence" in our family, and it's a hard place to be.

However, I think that it would be very disrespectful (not to mention likely the end of my marriage) for me to just go ahead and have a second one. Or to pressure dh all the time for a second one, or to guilt him, or....

My dh is NOT NOT NOT comfortable with the idea of having more than one, and though this is a change from the way he felt before we had dd, I am trying to work through it - also with counseling.

Take care!


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## widemouthedfrog

oh, I think my bossiness post was somewhat unclear. dd is usually passive, not usually bossy, so I was surprised at the behavior.

However, most of the post was just me thinking out loud. I think that children who play by themselves a lot are used to directing their own play worlds, and so sometimes it's a hard transition to playing with someone else. And this may translate as "bossy" behavior to the casual observer.

I am not an only child, but I did play by myself a lot - and most of my richest play worlds were by myself or with one other close friend who invented it with me. I'm sure that I sometimes came across as bossy - just because I KNEW how I wanted my imaginary worlds to be, and the other person didn't.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coco_Hikes* 
I am so with you on this one. I never want to go back to that place/time/those feelings. EVER!









I never had anything like PPD (but







if that was your experience), but I just never saw anything particularly redeeming about infants either. I don't think they are that cute. They are pretty boring. They can't do anything to help themselves. They are a hassle to take anywhere. These are mostly stating the obvious of infant care and keep, but still. The older my daughter gets, the more I enjoy being her parent.

I have kind of BTDT type of feelings about the whole experience. Pregnancy was easy and even fun sometimes, but I just feel no desire to do it again.

I was wondering if it would help to make a lil' list of why we choose to have only one child. For me it is:

1. Quality instead of quantity.

I read on the 'mothers of many' tribe that children are not expensive, lifestyles are expensive. Right. I thought carefully about what I can and want to afford my child and what lifestyle I want her and my family to live. It is not always cheap. The lifestyle is something I am not willing to deny my family to have more children. It is a quality of life issue for me.

2. Emotional reasons.

Like I said before, I love my daughter to pieces, but I have head spinning 'what was I thinking' days every now and again. That is enough for me to say forget it to more children.

3. Progress.

The more time goes by, the more positive progress I feel I am making with my daughter as her ability to communicate improves and she is more able to take care of herself. I can't see setting this back for myself with another infant. I also am not sure of my ability to parent with my attention so divided. I have no interest in keeping my baby a baby forever and do not mourn every milestone passed. I celebrate them.

4. Time.

My husband and I are both introverts and we had no idea how much time we really needed to have to ourselves until it was taken away. Though we very much enjoy the time we spend together as a family, we long for the occasional lazy weekend days of doing whatever we wanted without feeling guilty. We realize this probably won't happen until our daughter is school age, so another 3-4 years at least. Another shoe in for the Time argument.

5. Environmental or population concerns.

If you want to decrease the population, you either don't have children or you have below replacement level.

As far as resources go, I do not need to buy some giant van for one child. I do not have to look for 3 bedroom houses or apartments. Two will do. My family needs less space, food, water, and energy than an equivalent larger Western family. It is just ultimately and unfortunately math.

6. Uncertainty about the future.

Sure, it would be great to have a crystal ball and know that you will not be laid off from your job or that your benefits won't be cut or that you won't divorce, become disabled, or die. I just don't know what will happen, however unlikely, and feel in the event of any of these scenarios, but I feel it is best to have one mouth to feed instead of eight.


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## widemouthedfrog

The things that are convincing me to have an only child are:

1. My marriage.
Dh does not want another child and I do not feel that he would be at all happy with two. He does not think that I did well mentally as I was parenting an infant, so he doesn't want to go back there.

2. Emotional reasons.
I also have those "what was I thinking" days. I don't like them very much, mostly because of the way I behave. I know that having children is an opportunity for personal growth, but I think that I can still do a lot of growing with this child.

3. The ability for my child to be an equal voice in our family
For me, when I have more than one child in my care I tend to want to manage them as a group. I feel that I respect dd's opinions and needs more as an only than I would if she were a child in a family with many children. That could change if I had more than one, though!

4. Time. We are also both introverts and we like to just hang out in the evenings. This has only started to happen again recently. Also, I am considering more education, and I would need to put this off if I decided to have another child.

5. Environmental or population concerns.
As Sonnenwende said.

6. Health. Another pregnancy would be stressful on my body. I debate whether or not to have another biological child who might have diabetes or another autoimmune disorder, as I do. They run in my family. Then again, I debate whether it would be better for dd to have a sibling to turn to if mom's health is poor. I'm on the fence about this one.

7. I really like dd and I (often) enjoy the time we have together. I am not sure that I really want to add another child into this mix.

That's most of it for me!


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
Health. Another pregnancy would be stressful on my body. I debate whether or not to have another biological child who might have diabetes or another autoimmune disorder, as I do. They run in my family. Then again, I debate whether it would be better for dd to have a sibling to turn to if mom's health is poor. I'm on the fence about this one.

i had a physically "good" pregnancy (my biggest complaint was heartburn and nausea, but no vomiting) and a phenomenal birth experience. c inherited a nice spectrum of emotional issues (on both sides of family tree) but is damned healthy otherwise. i've always had the feeling of "jinxing" it, like another child would _have_ to be a greater burden somehow. weird, i know, but it freaks me out. i'm so very blessed to have this amazing kid in my life that i feel like it would be greedy to "try for" another.

as far as the issue of onlies needing a sibling's "shoulder" when dealing with the parent(s)' infirmity or death, i've seen too many examples from the opposite end of the spectrum to be convinced. i think i've posted the larger story here before; suffice to say things were damned ugly between my mom and her sister (and me, sad to say) when my nana started requiring full time care. just because someone's related is not an obligation for them to be nice to us.


----------



## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
as far as the issue of onlies needing a sibling's "shoulder" when dealing with the parent(s)' infirmity or death, i've seen too many examples from the opposite end of the spectrum to be convinced. i think i've posted the larger story here before; suffice to say things were damned ugly between my mom and her sister (and me, sad to say) when my nana started requiring full time care. just because someone's related is not an obligation for them to be nice to us.









Yeah, I know. That's how it's happened in my dh's family and in my family. Lots of bad feelings, and in both cases one child took over the care of the parents while the other opted out. I guess that's coming for us too, given the fact that all of our siblings live in other countries.

I'm thinking more if I become disabled or have significant health difficulties while dd is still under 18. This is a possibility, though something that I try not to dwell on. I don't know if having a sibling would be valuable then -as someone who shares that experience of having a parent who needs care.

That is not to say that I would create another child for that reason - of course not. It's just a thought.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
7. I really like dd and I (often) enjoy the time we have together. I am not sure that I really want to add another child into this mix.

Yeah, that too.

I think for me, I have these images of my kid and husband running off in the distance to have fun while I am full of baby bags and an infant chained to my chest. I think the main feeling I get is one of being held back. I know it doesn't last forever, but it lasts long enough.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
Yeah, I know. That's how it's happened in my dh's family and in my family. Lots of bad feelings, and in both cases one child took over the care of the parents while the other opted out. I guess that's coming for us too, given the fact that all of our siblings live in other countries.
.

This happened in my family, too. Both my parents have one sibling--and in both cases, when my grandmothers needed serious care, one sibling had complete financial, physical and emotional responsibility and the other opted out. In both cases, too, this caused a lot of ill will and conflict between the siblings.


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
I'm thinking more if I become disabled or have significant health difficulties while dd is still under 18. This is a possibility, though something that I try not to dwell on. I don't know if having a sibling would be valuable then -as someone who shares that experience of having a parent who needs care.

see, i think it would make matters worse. your daughter, being the oldest, might feel like she has to take care of you AND her sibling. that would be a sh*tty spot to be in.

i am very grateful to have you all here. it's SO hard to talk about this stuff in my "real life" since almost everyone i know has 2+ kids.


----------



## earthgirl

OK, I have a new reason for wanting just one. LAUNDRY!!! Seriously, we have built up 6 loads of laundry in one week. To be fair, we did have some out-of-town guests recently, but still. Laundry has become the bane of my existence. I shudder to think of how much more I would have with another child.


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## Sonnenwende

Hehe. I don't mind laundry, but I was really impressed how having a kid upped the amount of laundry. When it comes up, I try to recommend a good HE washing machine to new expectant parents more than anything else.


----------



## caspian's mama

everything shifted dramatically for me when i got pg. that's when i switched to no-paper-towels, reusable non-vinyl shower curtains, and such- then added cloth dipes 'n' wipes when he arrived. since we're done with dipes it's been a _little_ better but he (and i) still use cloth wipes for pee. and he still wets at least 4 nights/wk so there's all that bedding to launder too. honestly, if i don't do at least 1 load/day, i'm buried in it!

uggh... he's also started a "fashion" phase where he actually gives a damn what he's wearing and will want to change 3x/day, strewing half-clean garments in his wake. and i'm surprised that darth vader costume isn't in tatters because i've washed that about a thousand times too! at least when he turns 10 i can start making him do his own.









eta: still prefer this life to siblings bickering about which shirt belongs to which kid, who had the last turn wearing it, blahblah. ack! and imagine if i had girls! i'd have to buy stock in biokleen!!


----------



## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
see, i think it would make matters worse. your daughter, being the oldest, might feel like she has to take care of you AND her sibling. that would be a sh*tty spot to be in.

Yeah, you're probably right. I know that when my dad's sister became ill, parental focus turned to her and my dad had to parent the other sister.


----------



## widemouthedfrog

So - a question for you.
I assume that dd will ask why she is an only. She already has, to a degree. But when your dc asks why you chose to have one, what will you say?

You see, in my case I can convince myself that one is a good place to be. However, in my heart of hearts I do want two or more. I was someone who wanted a whole lot of kids. But I don't want to turn to dd and say, "Well, your daddy decided that he didn't enjoy the experience of having a newborn and he didn't really like it when mommy went crazy from sleep deprivation and being diagnosed with diabetes at the same time, so you're an only." That sounds a little harsh







. And although having an only has really been dh's call, I have to respect that. I don't believe in bringing an unwanted child into our family.

What I'll likely say is that we enjoyed our lives so much with just her that we felt that they were complete.

Is this just one of those situations where I can't be truthful? Or when I need to be truthful, but some time when she is in her late teens?

I do enjoy our lives as they stand, but I did and do want another child. Maybe as I come to terms with this, I won't sound so bitter?


----------



## AfricanQueen99

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
as far as the issue of onlies needing a sibling's "shoulder" when dealing with the parent(s)' infirmity or death, i've seen too many examples from the opposite end of the spectrum to be convinced. i think i've posted the larger story here before; suffice to say things were damned ugly between my mom and her sister (and me, sad to say) when my nana started requiring full time care. just because someone's related is not an obligation for them to be nice to us.









As an only I can say that this concept really got to me for decades. It wasn't until I married in my 30s that I realized I wouldn't have to do it alone, but, until then, it was a very real concern of mine.


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## widemouthedfrog

caspian's mama, I must admit that dd uses 7th gen training pants at night. I've bought multiple types of night time pants and she pees right through them. Bad for garbage, but it cuts down on the laundry. We did use cloth diapers, and a lot of them - at points we were at 2 loads/day with only one child!

She's been using the toilet during the day for a year now.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
So - a question for you.
I assume that dd will ask why she is an only. She already has, to a degree. But when your dc asks why you chose to have one, what will you say?

I think we will just say something like, "We felt that this was the right size for our family." If she wants practical elaboration, I might says things like: there were so many things we wanted you to experience (travel, private school) and we wanted to make sure we had the resources; or, we wanted to be able to focus our time and attention on you. I don't think it's unreasonable, either, to mention health problems during pregnancy/infancy (diabetes, PPD, etc.), although I would frame it in a more positive way: "Mommy got very sick when she was pregnant, and we were worried about her being sick again--especially because she wanted to spend as much time as possible with you and Daddy." Or something like that. I'm just thinking off the top of my head here.

Of course, the maybe the best answer is: "Because we got it right the first time."


----------



## caspian's mama

no shame there. i'd still have him in them at night but #1 he doesn't want to anymore and #2 he usually leaks through anyway. that reminds me: i bought a pack for camping last month (i can wash the sheets but not a tent!) and have to give them away to a friend.

don't know about what to say to your dd. my guy hasn't asked and i doubt he will. he definitely thrives on being the center of attention! i've always told people that if he ever asks for a sibling i'll get him a puppy. i assume that would be the end of it! since i'm happy in my decision i just tell him the 100% truth: we're so thrilled with his special self that we have no need for another kid and we don't want him to have to share us with anyone else!


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AfricanQueen99* 
As an only I can say that this concept really got to me for decades. It wasn't until I married in my 30s that I realized I wouldn't have to do it alone, but, until then, it was a very real concern of mine.

I have BTDT. I'm an only, parents divorced when I was young. My mom died of cancer when I was 21. Let me just say that a) I didn't do it alone. There were so many people who loved and cared deeply for us, that we always had as much help as we needed. b) The grief/mourning process has been unbearable at times. But the more I understand about loss, the more I realize that those feelings are _deeply personal_; we all grieve in our own way. Having siblings would not take away from that pain. c) While it is true that the idea of having someone to "share the burden" seems nice, the reality is that I would not have had the same relationship w/ my mom had I had to share her with others. I am grateful for our closeness and our friendship. Maybe we would have still been close if I had siblings, but I really wouldn't change anything about our relationship. d) Over the years I have come to look back on that time I spent caring for my mother as an honor. I am actually grateful that I got to be the one by her side when she was dying. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced, but I can't imagine it how it could have happened any other way.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
So - a question for you.
I assume that dd will ask why she is an only. She already has, to a degree. But when your dc asks why you chose to have one, what will you say?



I dunno. Maybe that we decided to stop with perfection?









I guess it is one of those 'cross that bridge when I come to it' kind of things. I think it would be good to examine the reasons why she thinks she would like a sister or brother and work on improving that situation, if it needs improvement.


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
I dunno. Maybe that we decided to stop with perfection?









I guess it is one of those 'cross that bridge when I come to it' kind of things. I think it would be good to examine the reasons why she thinks she would like a sister or brother and work on improving that situation, if it needs improvement.

good answer!


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I have BTDT. I'm an only, parents divorced when I was young. My mom died of cancer when I was 21. Let me just say that a) I didn't do it alone. There were so many people who loved and cared deeply for us, that we always had as much help as we needed. b) The grief/mourning process has been unbearable at times. *But the more I understand about loss, the more I realize that those feelings are deeply personal; we all grieve in our own way. Having siblings would not take away from that pain.* c) While it is true that the idea of having someone to "share the burden" seems nice, the reality is that I would not have had the same relationship w/ my mom had I had to share her with others. I am grateful for our closeness and our friendship. Maybe we would have still been close if I had siblings, but I really wouldn't change anything about our relationship. d) Over the years I have come to look back on that time I spent caring for my mother as an honor. I am actually grateful that I got to be the one by her side when she was dying. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced, but I can't imagine it how it could have happened any other way.

(bolding: mine)

Your post really brought tears to my eyes.









I'm the oldest of five and my dad died this year. and you hit the nail on the head as far as my experience went. It couldn't have been any less pain because my siblings were around. Probably because, I'm not close to any of them. In fact, I leaned on my dh more than anyone, really.


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## Sonnenwende

I was reading another post here by a mother who was overwhelmed by her 4 children. I thought that in the past, it wouldn't have been that likely as there would have been a lot of social support from the family and the community to help her raise and care for her children. It is probably bordering on unnatural for humans to try to take on the raising of so many children alone with little external help.

I know that I could write for days about why I am having one, but add this also to the reasons why I can't have more:

Reason 320983593: No direct family or community support for my children.

No one is really all that interested in my daughter. Every single person in my family works out of the home full time or goes to school full time. There is no time or sincere interest. No one volunteers to watch her. Everyone seems more annoyed by her ultimately. She is the first born in my family in nearly a total generation (20 years), so the memory of what small children are like or what to do with them or how to react to them is a lost art in my family. I don't expect that to change anytime soon. I really can't do more on my own. :/


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## jaidymama

I don't know if this is necessarily true that just because people have more children that parents are harsher with their children. I think perhaps it's common regardless of how many children are in a family.

As for being spoiled.... I think it's a challenge to keep the balance so our child is NOT spoiled. Yes, we consider his opinion in things, and perhaps more often than not just go with his preference when we do not have one. I don't know if that creates a spoiled child... aka a child who always expects to get his/her own way. It is ironic that our family loves to get Lukas presents, yet some also comment on how much stuff he has. Honestly, again, I think the problem of being spoiled comes down to parenting style not necessarily the quantity of children in a family. And other than that, I don't really know or much consider what other outsiders think of my family or parenting style.

As parents of onlies or parents of multiple children, I think we all need to do the best with what we have and be satisfied and confident in our efforts. I have found when I start comparing myself to others that I start making assumptions that aren't accurate or considerate of what others are going through.

I hope that in this thread that we are careful not to judge others, especially those who have more than 1 child. Yes, it is different to have one child. And perhaps we want to avoid certain struggles that we perceive we would have if we had more children. None the less, if you only ever have 1 child you will never really know what your experience will be like.

I'm sorry if this post is coming across poorly; after reading some posts in this tribe I'm wondering if we can feel good about having 1 child without comparing ourselves with families with more than 1 child who face different challenges from us.

If I have misunderstood some of your posts, I apologize.


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## caspian's mama

these FYT threads are strictly for support. in the case of only children (as with many other topics at MDC) there's little support to be found for "our way of life" outside these interwebs. maybe what you're reading as criticism of others is more about us feeling that we have to justify our choice to only have 1 child, even to each other. i think it's sad that some of us feel that way but i can certainly see why.

as for not knowing whether or not the grass would be greener, i can say beyond the shadow of a doubt that for my family one kid is the best (sanest!) choice. just because my body was designed to bear many doesn't mean that my mind was (certainly the societal support isn't there either as others have mentioned). and, although it's not popular, i still believe strongly that having multiple children (especially upwards of 3,4,5) is ecologically unsound. like someone (sonnewende?) recently noted, that's just basic math.

i also think having more children is an enormous emotional burden that few people are fully prepared to handle, probably because "everyone does it". i've seen much evidence of it with my irl friends and on any given day the gentle discipline forum is filled with otherwise kind, well meaning mamas who are at their wits end because of negative sibling interaction. seriously, it seems to be the number one reason why people abandon that "type" of parenting for more punitive methods. i don't think it's impossible to gently, consensually raise multiple children but i don't think most people go in expecting it to be as hard as it is either and that saddens me.

with regards to spoiling, i agree that it's not only dependent upon parenting choices but also in the eye of the beholder. of course my kid has more toys than he knows what to do with. he's "the baby" on all sides of the family and our relatives are way consumerist. but he's big on sharing and ALL about making donations to goodwill too. and he knows mama's an aspiring "compacter" so it's not like he gets to buy everything he asks for when we're in a store either (quite the contrary). lots of folks would see zombiecat's description as apt too, but i know it would be the same whether i had 1 child or 11. people in this society aren't used to giving children a voice and most seem quite threatened by it so they call it spoiling because i recognize my kid's need to BE a kid and to be treated humanely.

[feelin' ranty today...







]


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## insahmniak

Caspian's Mama-







:

I really appreciated all you said in that last post.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jaidymama* 
Yes, it is different to have one child. And perhaps we want to avoid certain struggles that we perceive we would have if we had more children. None the less, if you only ever have 1 child you will never really know what your experience will be like.

Right, but isn't this one of the times where it is actually better to speculate than to try it to prove yourself wrong? That seems like playing a game of "Does it REALLY suck to drink Drano?". I already know it probably sucks to drink Drano. I got some accidently on my hand once and read stories of people attempting suicide with it and failing with gruesome results. I know enough about the chemistry of Drano not to drink it. I don't actually have to to down a bottle to *really* know that.

In my opinion, same with more children. I don't have to actually have more to have some idea what it is like to have more. I already have a good grasp on what motherhood entails, what my child's needs are and what my needs are. I have read stories of overwhelmed mothers and heard them from friends. I know that more children would not work in my situation and don't have to have more children to know that.


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## majikfaerie

hi mamas.
I have a 5yo dd. just the one. I'm not planning more.
well, that isn't entirely true. I'm planning not to have more.
I don't have any fertility issues; I'm 29, and healthy.
I just don't want more children. for a lot of reasons. I was just searching around for some support - some mamas who could maybe relate to parenting an only child, in a world that is saying "so when's the next one coming?"
and i found this thread. so, Hi


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## Sonnenwende

Welcome!


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## majikfaerie

thanks


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## Pookietooth

I'm not sure if I belong here. Yes, we are a family of three. But it's not by any choice -- it's despite the use of a myriad of alternative therapies and even western fertility drugs. But I still have only one child. I have to say, that by the time he was four, the questions about whether or not we want any more pretty much went away -- people assumed it was our choice or at worst, would ask if I had any other (presumably older) children. I just have a hard time worrying that he will be lonely (he is loney in fact, always having me drive him to playdates pretty much every day).

I do have a good comeback for anyone who asks if we plan to have more: "That's a very personal question and I'd rather we change the subject." It lets them know that they are being inappropriate without jumping all over them too much.


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## majikfaerie

i'm just new, but i get the impression if you have only one child, then you belong


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## Pookietooth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
So - a question for you.
I assume that dd will ask why she is an only. She already has, to a degree. But when your dc asks why you chose to have one, what will you say?

I have already answered that -- that my body isn't like most women's bodies, and it just doesn't make babies very well. And that we feel very fortunate to have him.


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## AfricanQueen99

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
I do have a good comeback for anyone who asks if we plan to have more: "That's a very personal question and I'd rather we change the subject." It lets them know that they are being inappropriate without jumping all over them too much.

I say, "That's a sore subject right now" and change the subject. Then they figure out that it's not appropriate to ask and that it's not a simple answer.


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## Sonnenwende

Sure you are welcome here, Pookietooth. I am sorry to hear what brought you to us though. I hope you are able to work though your grief. There are a few others here that are not parents of onlies by choice. Also, you could start your own tribe for people who are parents of onlies not by choice or for secondary infertility, if it makes you more comfortable. You are not alone.


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## Sonnenwende

Here is another positive article about only children!

Quote:

"The stereotypes are still there," says Carolyn White, editor of Only Child magazine.

"That they're unable to socialize well or have close friendships or be in relationships that are secure and bonded. That they don't think of others as well as themselves."

Never mind that 30 years of research, conducted mostly by social psychologist Toni Falbo, proves the opposite is true.

"In many respects, only children tend to be more well-adjusted," says White. "They learn to socialize very well because they know that if they don't, they're not going to have any pals. They really have to get out there."

Onlies are usually resourceful, independent, gregarious and extremely driven, White says, and they tend to outperform their peers with siblings on academic achievement tests.

"That extra attention from parents can have a very positive effect," she says.

And kids are socialized in so many more settings than just home--especially now, with play centers, youth sports, increasingly hands-on parents and, let's not forget, preschool. "I never went to preschool," White says. "Who ever heard of preschool then?"

So why do the stigmas remain?

"People are lazy thinkers," says Newman. "Rather than say 'My friend has three children and her oldest is a loner,' we get stuck in this pattern about only children, no matter what the studies say."

Only doesn't mean lonely: Save your pity--that lone child doesn't want or need it


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## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
I have already answered that -- that my body isn't like most women's bodies, and it just doesn't make babies very well. And that we feel very fortunate to have him.

good answer!


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## segata

mamas of one,question for those of you that have 1 by choice...ds is 7.5 months and really EASY to get along with,so it's not that,but I'm feeling like I only want one child.I want to be able to give him lots of time,attention,etc...I hear so many stories of children acting out and thing when younger sibling comes along,I don't want him to feel jealous,left out,etc...Sometimes I go back and forth between wanting a large family and wanting just one but mostly,I want just one.Dh on the other hand wants a big family,says it would be lonely for ds and what not...So how did you decide that one was enough?

And to everyone,what's life like with only 1??


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## User101

Gentle reminder ladies.







You may not discuss other threads or posters here in FYT. While this forum is meant to be a safe place for support for mamas who are walking similar paths in life, you still need to follow the UA and the FYT Guidelines.

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.


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## widemouthedfrog

hi pookietooth! I am also working on accepting one, rather than having one by choice.

What's life like with one? Well, dd is only three, but it's just fine. Lots of ability to get up and go at this point. We're heading to Iceland next week so I can run my first marathon - I don't think I would do that with two.

I find that I tend to be dd's playmate a fair bit, which is sometimes ok and sometimes not. Dh is home in the summer and he is more of the "get on the floor all day and play" sort. I am a combination of "hey, why don't you play with the neighbour kids or in the yard or read a book or play with lego" and "sure, I'll read/tickle/do whatever with you." I also find that I draw dd into my activities (household and otherwise) more than I would if I had two. I can't see bringing two kids to a social justice meeting - it's fairly chaotic bringing one!

jaidymama, I don't think that I am comparing myself to moms with more than one. I really try not to compare myself with other moms at all!

I tend to compare my current life to how I think life would be with two children. I am totally happy to see others have more children, and I feel for those who have a hard time coping, because I've been there - even with just one.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *segata* 
mamas of one,question for those of you that have 1 by choice...ds is 7.5 months and really EASY to get along with,so it's not that,but I'm feeling like I only want one child.I want to be able to give him lots of time,attention,etc...I hear so many stories of children acting out and thing when younger sibling comes along,I don't want him to feel jealous,left out,etc...Sometimes I go back and forth between wanting a large family and wanting just one but mostly,I want just one.Dh on the other hand wants a big family,says it would be lonely for ds and what not...So how did you decide that one was enough?

And to everyone,what's life like with only 1??

Just a thought on the lonely thing. There are many, many things in this world that can make a person feel lonely, misfit, or whatever. Having siblings is no guarantee that a child will not feel lonely. I didn't mind being an only child at all. When I think of the things that made me feel lonely in my childhood, not having siblings doesn't even enter the picture. In fact, it was having a consistently loving and available mother that helped me feel less lonely. I know we all have different experiences and just b/c it was one way for me doesn't mean it will be that way for everyone. I just feel the need to speak up when I hear the "your child will be lonely" argument. And on a related note, DH has a brother and they are not close at all. They are civil to one another, but just don't have a relationship. They have nothing in common except for the same parents.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *segata* 
And to everyone,what's life like with only 1??

Awesome. I love our family of three. I am not someone who really likes infants too much, so it really was a plus just knowing I only had to do everything once. Also as my daughter gets older and we are able to do more things with her, we are not held back by a second or third child who just isn't there yet. We can just get up and go easier and easier every day. I am not sure what the disadvatages would be. I haven't really come across many yet.

I decided one was enough for a myraid of reasons. Finances, environmental impact, time restraints, internal conflicts, conveinence, etc, etc. It just turned out that there were far more reasons against having another child than were for.


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
Here is another positive article about only children!
Only doesn't mean lonely: Save your pity--that lone child doesn't want or need it

thanks for that









Quote:


Originally Posted by *segata* 
mamas of one,question for those of you that have 1 by choice...ds is 7.5 months and really EASY to get along with,so it's not that,but I'm feeling like I only want one child.I want to be able to give him lots of time,attention,etc...I hear so many stories of children acting out and thing when younger sibling comes along,I don't want him to feel jealous,left out,etc...Sometimes I go back and forth between wanting a large family and wanting just one but mostly,I want just one.Dh on the other hand wants a big family,says it would be lonely for ds and what not...So how did you decide that one was enough?

And to everyone,what's life like with only 1??

my only dd is 5 (only by choice). life is good. we have to make a lot of effort to get dd out to playdates, but having a sibling is no guarantee that wouldn't happen. we might need to be driving to 2 or 3 sets of playdates with more kids








we have a lot of freedom - we can travel overseas, I can carry dd if she needs it, she has all the attention she needs from 2 SAH parents. (she has 3 SAH parents a lot of the time!)
The decision... well, my mental health is a factor (I tend towards chronic depression and hormonal/ amino imbalances that can make me erratic, as well as PTSD), finances are a factor (we are very comfortable financial atm, but extra kids would mean we can't afford a lot of things we do now, like only buying organic food, having a very small car, a very small house, and again with the overseas travel), environmental conservation is a huge factor for me. I'm very conscious of the fact that a baby means around 75 years of consumption on our planet, and the absolute best way we can stall global warming, hunger, deforestation, etc, is by having less children, worldwide. If every couple on the planet had only one or two children, we could maintain a sustainable population. another factor is all the baby stuff. DD just weaned after BFing for 5 years, I just don't feel like going back to sleepless nights, crying babies, poopy diapers, carrying, etc. and then dealing with the dynamics between DD and the baby.
I would dearly love to get pregnant and give birth again, I just don't want the child that comes with that








personally, I don't think giving dd a playmate is a good enough reason to create a whole extra human being.
sorry if that was too much!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
I tend to compare my current life to how I think life would be with two children. I am totally happy to see others have more children, and I feel for those who have a hard time coping, because I've been there - even with just one.

I had a hard time coping with one!


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## MichaelsSahm

My DS (5) who is an only, is definately not a lonely child. You can be raised in a family of 5 and feel lonely. I think it all depeneds on what we as parents do for our kids. I think that growing up with 5 other kids would be lonier at times, because mom and dad has to share all their attention to other kids as well.


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## majikfaerie

totally. I had a younger brother and sister, and we never really connected.


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## MichaelsSahm

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
totally. I had a younger brother and sister, and we never really connected.

I have siblings. But never had a relationship with them either. And that sucks more then having no siblings to be honest. Because when you have no siblings, you don't really know what your missing out on then when you have siblings and have no connection with them. It hurts alot because you think of the relationship you could have with them, but just don't.
Having siblings doesn't gurantee that you'll always have a strong bond.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sahmnlovingit* 
I have siblings. But never had a relationship with them either. And that sucks more then having no siblings to be honest. *Because when you have no siblings, you don't really know what your missing out on* then when you have siblings and have no connection with them. It hurts alot because you think of the relationship you could have with them, but just don't.
Having siblings doesn't gurantee that you'll always have a strong bond.

I'm glad you said this b/c this was my experience growing up. I didn't know I was _supposed_ to want siblings until people started making assumptions that my childhood must have been lonely.


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## Pookietooth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sahmnlovingit* 
I have siblings. But never had a relationship with them either. And that sucks more then having no siblings to be honest. Because when you have no siblings, you don't really know what your missing out on then when you have siblings and have no connection with them. It hurts alot because you think of the relationship you could have with them, but just don't.
Having siblings doesn't gurantee that you'll always have a strong bond.

That is true. I do have a hard time with one of my brothers, the oldest of us, although that's at least in part because he is 8 1/2 years older than me (and also because he married an abusive woman). But I also know that both of my brothers love me, and that they would be there for me in any way they could if I needed them. I have no living parents or grandparents, so my brothers really are my only connection to my family of origin. For some, though, they want nothing to do with the family they came from, and being an only would be no big deal.

For awhile, I had a therapist who was an only child of onlies on both sides, and she had no kids (her choice). Her parents were both dead and she was the last of her family after a great aunt died. That would be a lonely feeling if you ask me. But she seemed to be coping OK (although she did have to have her gallbladder out and had diverticulitis).

I think grieving for the inability to have children is different from not wanting your child to be an only -- but they are related. I could probably try harder to have a second (pay $$ to get IVF, or adopt), so in a way, it is a bit of a choice on my part not to go through that to have a second. Although we haven't totally ruled it out, at my age the chances of IVF working are pretty pathetic.


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## majikfaerie

it's really interesting, for me, the differences between those here by choice, and those with physical constraints.
no comment, just something to ponder.


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## Theia

Hi. I'm glad to have found this thread. My 6mo DD is most likely going to be my only. She does have a half sister who is 7yo, but she lives halfway across the country with her mother. So for DD there is someone who is related, but I doubt that there will be a strong sibling type relationship until they are both much older, and then I imagine it will be more like life-long friends rather than siblings. She will be an only by choice. DP doesn't want more, and my pregnancy was very difficult for various reasons. I didn't enjoy it as much as I had hoped to. I have enjoyed reading some of your reasons and experiences of parenting only's who are older and it is encouraging. I do get pressure, !already! from my mother who says that she thinks 'putting all my eggs in one basket is dangerous'. I don't ever know what to say to that except that I don't see it that way. She worries that DD could have an accident or that I could mess her up so badly that she wouldn't be someone of value later in my life. I am paraphrasing, but that is her general meaning. Granted, my mother and father both came from families larger than 6 and both were born in the 30's so the mentality of that generation is different since they were born sandwiched between the great depression and WWII. But still, this is one point that my mother won't relent on just yet. It is annoying because it seems like she is telling me that I might not do a good enough job raising DD and so I should have another child as back-up?! Seriously, we are talking about humans here. Its not like having a spare tire in the trunk of your car.









Ok, rant over. So anyways, I am really glad to have found this group. I look forward to keeping in touch and getting to know the uniqueness of parenting an only child.


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## majikfaerie

ooh, that "you need to have more than one child as back-up" argument really







: me.
Honestly, does anyone who loses a child say to themselves, "well, at least I still have my other kids"??? they are human beings. we love and cherish them. there is no way I could ever have a 'spare' or 'replacement' for my DD!
having more children does not lessen the pain of losing one


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## Theia

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
ooh, that "you need to have more than one child as back-up" argument really







: me.
Honestly, does anyone who loses a child say to themselves, "well, at least I still have my other kids"??? they are human beings. we love and cherish them. there is no way I could ever have a 'spare' or 'replacement' for my DD!
having more children does not lessen the pain of losing one









Majik - ITA!

Now if I can just find the right response that will shut dear ol' mum down next time the "all your eggs in one basket" comment comes up!


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peace_laughing* 
Majik - ITA!

Now if I can just find the right response that will shut dear ol' mum down next time the "all your eggs in one basket" comment comes up!

duct tape?


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## MichaelsSahm

Now I get the "Oh he is going to KG on monday, maybe its time to have another one" WTF???!!! That boggles my mind! I babysit someone elses baby 3 times a week for extra $. And I love it when she goes back home. I am like "now I know that I am just not cut out to have more then one" its not for me, nor my husband, not my family. DEAL WITH IT!

I will not lie, on monday when we drop DS off at KG, I will cry when we leave. Its always been me and him against the world for 5 yrs. *silently cries*

My heart feels heavy tonight!


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## katheek77

"When I'm crowned Princess of Persia, I'll be sure to get on that whole "heir and a spare" train. For now, we're doing ok with one."


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## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sahmnlovingit* 
I will not lie, on monday when we drop DS off at KG, I will cry when we leave. Its always been me and him against the world for 5 yrs. *silently cries*

My heart feels heavy tonight!

Hugs. I do love time spent alone with dd. One of my many reasons I'm considering unschooling (though dh is unsure). Why would I want to give that up? She doesn't!

As for the "you need to have more as backup" - I guess I can see where that comes from, if your children are your old age security. I consider it to be my responsibility to deal with my future health and welfare. I see my child simply as a wonderful and special human being and I consider it a gift to watch her grow in the world.

However, again - I can see where my grandfather came from when he made the same comment, as he grew up in a farming culture where children were important helpers on the farm and brought a lot to the family's financial well-being and old age security.

majikfaerie, I have a hard time dealing with one as well, sometimes!


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## widemouthedfrog

And I also find the differences parents of between onlies by choice and onlies by chance interesting. Although I am sure we all fall somewhere on a continuum. I think that for me, the fact that dd is primarily an only by chance means that I have a lot of anger and grief to work through - some of it about my dh's desire for an only, some of it about my health issues.

I am actually quite comfortable with most of the usual worries about having an only - whether she'll be lonely, whether I should have another as a backup, whether she'll be bossy and spoiled.


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sahmnlovingit* 
Now I get the "Oh he is going to KG on monday, maybe its time to have another one" WTF???!!! That boggles my mind! I babysit someone elses baby 3 times a week for extra $. And I love it when she goes back home. I am like "now I know that I am just not cut out to have more then one" its not for me, nor my husband, not my family. DEAL WITH IT!

I will not lie, on monday when we drop DS off at KG, I will cry when we leave. Its always been me and him against the world for 5 yrs. *silently cries*

My heart feels heavy tonight!









that sounds so hard. I don't know if I could do that.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
"When I'm crowned Princess of Persia, I'll be sure to get on that whole "heir and a spare" train. For now, we're doing ok with one."









that's a great line!
when you're Princess of Persia, can I join the harem?









Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
Hugs. I do love time spent alone with dd. One of my many reasons I'm considering unschooling (though dh is unsure). Why would I want to give that up? She doesn't!

As for the "you need to have more as backup" - I guess I can see where that comes from, if your children are your old age security. I consider it to be my responsibility to deal with my future health and welfare. I see my child simply as a wonderful and special human being and I consider it a gift to watch her grow in the world.

However, again - I can see where my grandfather came from when he made the same comment, as he grew up in a farming culture where children were important helpers on the farm and brought a lot to the family's financial well-being and old age security.

majikfaerie, I have a hard time dealing with one as well, sometimes!

yeah, we're unschooling








I totally get that living in a society where having children is your security for old age, it makes sense to have a few. If I had any expectation of DD to take on 100% care, both financially and physically for me and her dad, yeah, it would seem that one child isn't enough. but let's be realistic. that's not the culture we live in, and I don't expect my dd to take care of me. I took care of my grandmother with Alzheimer's when I was a kid and that was awful


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
ooh, that "you need to have more than one child as back-up" argument really







: me.
Honestly, does anyone who loses a child say to themselves, "well, at least I still have my other kids"??? they are human beings. we love and cherish them. there is no way I could ever have a 'spare' or 'replacement' for my DD!
having more children does not lessen the pain of losing one









Oh, I hate this reasoning. I don't care how many children I had. If I lost a child I would be irrevocably changed. I can't imagine trying to mother other children with so much despair and pain in my heart.


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## Sonnenwende

Yesterday, we went out to the apple orchard for the first time with our daughter and picked apples. It was so cute how quickly my daughter got into it, grabbing as many apples as she could, lamenting the poor apples that fell out of the tree, tasting the apples. Fruit picking is so much fun. I can't wait until the pumpkins are ready to take her to do that too.







:

In a few weeks, we are going to Lake Michigan for some late summer beach fun. I think it will be a lot better than last time she went (18 months) and only screamed about getting sand on her hands.







About a month ago, we were on a sandbar and she liked playing with the sand then, so looks like we are probably in for a better time this time.

Although it has its own set of challenges, I will take this age over infant any day. You can finally do things with them and they get it and have fun. Infants and very early toddlers are so boring. I can't imagine going back to that.

I agree about not expecting my child to be my built in home health care aide. If she wants to do that, fine, but I don't have any expectation that she will.


----------



## sleepybear1

I'm glad to have found this thread.







:

Thank you for starting this thread. I have a 13 month old girl. (What does the D stand for in the dh?) My husband really only wanted one and we decided that "family" for us meant having both parents really want the children in the family.

I was not an "only" and I do worry about providing an adequate environment. I hope my daughter, my husband, and I are always close and each member feels supported and fulfilled.

Looking forward to more conversation.

Hopeless at understanding abreviations.


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sleepybear1* 
(What does the D stand for in the dh?)
Hopeless at understanding abreviations.









to the thread
the D stands for "dear" or "darling" or "darn" or "dumb" or anything you want, depending on the particular family member and how you feel about them at the time







I think of it as "dear"
there's a thread in questions and suggestions I think with a list of all the abbreviations


----------



## alexisyael




----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
when you're Princess of Persia, can I join the harem?









naughty!








what a feisty poster you've been this weekend. must've been that luscious moon!


----------



## sleepybear1

t1h

thanks 4 welcome & info! nice to feel one of many.


----------



## katheek77

How silly am I?

The IKEA catalog came in the mail (nifty stuff!), and I went through it just casually looking for a bed (eventually) for DD, and they had a trundle type bed, and my first thought was "For all the sleepovers she'll have!"

I can't wait until she's a little older and has little friends that can spend the night...and, as I pointed out to DH, usually little friends reciprocate, and with an only child, that means Daddy and Mommy get to have their own sleepover in the child-free house.









Question for those of you with older onlies...do you ever take similar-age cousins or your DC's good friends on vacation with you? I always thought, growing up, how cool it would be if my best friend could go on vacation with us instead of my crummy sister.







And, now, from a parental standpoint, I'm thinking how much easier it would be in a lot of ways (harder, in others, I'm sure, but, really, if you're dragging one kid around, how much harder can another be for a few days...note the "few days" part of the statement) and how much more enjoyable for my DD to have another kid to experience it with other than just her "old, boring" parents...

Or am I just romanticizing the whole idea?


----------



## avaylee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
How silly am I?
Question for those of you with older onlies...do you ever take similar-age cousins or your DC's good friends on vacation with you?

I'm really curious about this myself. We're a few years off from such activities, but I definitely can see sharing the cost of some vacations with other friends of only children, or DD's best friend du jour, etc. My sister and I are nine years apart and going on vacations together was not all that great in the sense that what we wanted to enjoy and what we experienced were worlds apart. I always thought that if my friend could go, at least I would have someone that actually wanted to... go on Mr Toads Wild Ride, for example.

So count me interested in how those of you with older onlys (onlies?) are handling vacations.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 

Question for those of you with older onlies...do you ever take similar-age cousins or your DC's good friends on vacation with you? I always thought, growing up, how cool it would be if my best friend could go on vacation with us instead of my crummy sister.







And, now, from a parental standpoint, I'm thinking how much easier it would be in a lot of ways (harder, in others, I'm sure, but, really, if you're dragging one kid around, how much harder can another be for a few days...note the "few days" part of the statement) and how much more enjoyable for my DD to have another kid to experience it with other than just her "old, boring" parents...

Or am I just romanticizing the whole idea?

I'm not an only, but in some ways I was a "functional" only, as there's a huge age gap between me and my siblings, and they had all moved out of the house by the time I was in middle school. My best friend was in the same position, and yes, we often did vacation "swaps". I have wonderful memories of going with her family to Mexico and to Disney Land. I don't think it was especially hard on either set of parents--we spent most of our time off with each other!

My sister also has an only, less than a year younger than dd, and we are already planning doing exchanged vacations and long-term sleepovers (whole weekends, etc.) with the girls when they're older!


----------



## msjd123

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
How silly am I?

The IKEA catalog came in the mail (nifty stuff!), and I went through it just casually looking for a bed (eventually) for DD, and they had a trundle type bed, and my first thought was "For all the sleepovers she'll have!"

I can't wait until she's a little older and has little friends that can spend the night...and, as I pointed out to DH, usually little friends reciprocate, and with an only child, that means Daddy and Mommy get to have their own sleepover in the child-free house.









Question for those of you with older onlies...do you ever take similar-age cousins or your DC's good friends on vacation with you? I always thought, growing up, how cool it would be if my best friend could go on vacation with us instead of my crummy sister.







And, now, from a parental standpoint, I'm thinking how much easier it would be in a lot of ways (harder, in others, I'm sure, but, really, if you're dragging one kid around, how much harder can another be for a few days...note the "few days" part of the statement) and how much more enjoyable for my DD to have another kid to experience it with other than just her "old, boring" parents...

Or am I just romanticizing the whole idea?

This is so funny -- I've thought of all of those things in the last week! I loooove hanving an only. Love it, love it, love it.







: I feel like having just one keeps it fun. Not that there aren't plenty of days that I'm not bone-tired or totally fed up, but by and large, I feel like having one is like having this happy little secret: everyone thinks it must be bad, but it's awesome!









Anyways, just chiming in because I have a friend/co-worker who's a good 15 years older than I am, and she did the take-a-friend thing with her only child when they went on vacation. She said it's so great in so many ways because the kids entertaine ach other, and there's less boredom or that too-much-togetherness feeling. And like you said, the best part is if/when the other family reciprocates. I wouldn't necessarily expect that, but it would be a super-cool perk of the arrangement in they did.

As for the trundle, we're totally doing that when we get DD a better bed. I had one when I was a kid, and it was nice being able to offer my friend a more comfortable spot than the floor!


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
naughty!








what a feisty poster you've been this weekend. must've been that luscious moon!









I have my moments.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
I can't wait until she's a little older and has little friends that can spend the night...and, as I pointed out to DH, usually little friends reciprocate, and with an only child, that means Daddy and Mommy get to have their own sleepover in the child-free house.









Question for those of you with older onlies...do you ever take similar-age cousins or your DC's good friends on vacation with you? I always thought, growing up, how cool it would be if my best friend could go on vacation with us instead of my crummy sister.







And, now, from a parental standpoint, I'm thinking how much easier it would be in a lot of ways (harder, in others, I'm sure, but, really, if you're dragging one kid around, how much harder can another be for a few days...note the "few days" part of the statement) and how much more enjoyable for my DD to have another kid to experience it with other than just her "old, boring" parents...

Or am I just romanticizing the whole idea?

about the sleepovers, dd just went to her first sleepover, and it was great







I had a wonderful day and evening with dp







. in the morning we did a huge amount of work around the house - fixed our new bath, fixed the bed in the back of our rv... she was actually over there for 24 hours! (well, the friends live 45 mins away, and our car broke down on the way to get her and we needed to be towed, so it took longer than we'd thought)
I'm soooooo into this sleepover thing









as for vacations, I'd be really happy to do vacation swaps as well. but we do a LOT of international travel in our family, and I don't think I'd be up for taking another kid overseas just yet (we live in australia, so there's no 'driving south over the border).

when I was a kid, 9 I think, my best friend's mum got a job in Japan (she was an only) and after 6 months, her mum felt she should go back to school in australia, so she came and lived with us, for 2 months, and we went on vacation with her as well. it was great


----------



## AfricanQueen99

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
Question for those of you with older onlies...do you ever take similar-age cousins or your DC's good friends on vacation with you? I always thought, growing up, how cool it would be if my best friend could go on vacation with us instead of my crummy sister.







And, now, from a parental standpoint, I'm thinking how much easier it would be in a lot of ways (harder, in others, I'm sure, but, really, if you're dragging one kid around, how much harder can another be for a few days...note the "few days" part of the statement) and how much more enjoyable for my DD to have another kid to experience it with other than just her "old, boring" parents...

Well, I'm an only and was always allowed to bring one friend on every vacation. It kept me busy with someone so my parents didn't have to "entertain" me all the time. This, of course, was on all vacations in the olden days when we drove and didn't fly.







My old man and I are planning on doing the same if we just have the one kid.


----------



## caspian's mama

ooh, this is a fun topic! my parents often let us each bring a friend when we went to our camp, about 1/2 hour away, which was cool. it would've been great on the big disney-type trips, though! ds has one "only" friend who'd be the most likely candidate at this point. we're really close with another family but the 2 oldest boys are 6+4 (he's 5) so it would be hard choosing "just one"; maybe as they get older they'll polarize a little more, like we girls did, haha.


----------



## onlyzombiecat

What we told dd about her being an only- we are happy with the size of our family and we can't have more children because dh had a procedure done.
She asked mainly out of curiosity during a discussion about sex rather than a desire for a sibling.

Reasons we decided to only have one child (not in order of importance)-
1) money- we were very poor with no health insurance
2) space- we had a small home and a small car
3) emotional and mental stability- I knew I felt better caring for one child vs. multiple children. Some hellish times when dd was younger that we don't want to go through again.
4) things we wanted to do that we feel or easier with one child- homeschooling, send dd to college, dh going to school, travel, not juggling so many schedules and activities, etc
5) no desire for a baby- that's the big one
6) overpopulation

comparing to parents of multiples-
I do feel good about my family size regardless of what other people are doing.
However I know mostly parents of multiples IRL and online and I have observed that their approach to their children is different. It shows up when I talk about dd and they respond or talk about how similar issues are handled with their kids.
I have sometimes felt judged in these conversations as being too permissive and spoiling by these parents- not because dd has more stuff but because she has a more equal say in our family. I've thought about it and come to the conclusion that we just arrive at solutions with dd differently because she is an only. The dynamic is different. We have a perspective and tool box that we use that maybe wouldn't work well for 3 kids maybe but works nicely for 1.
I posted here to see if others had a similar experience about differences to confirm what I was observing and feeling in my own experience not to bash other parents.

vacationing with a friend or cousin-
I think that would be fun. We haven't tried it because we don't vacation a lot and tend to take vacations when other kids are in school. If dd becomes close friends with another homeschooled kid maybe it would work out.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AfricanQueen99* 
Well, I'm an only and was always allowed to bring one friend on every vacation. It kept me busy with someone so my parents didn't have to "entertain" me all the time. This, of course, was on all vacations in the olden days when we drove and didn't fly.







My old man and I are planning on doing the same if we just have the one kid.

Same here.


----------



## Binx67

hi there~

i just found this thread and really appreciate reading about all of your experiences. it makes me feel a lot better about our inclination to not have another child. thanks!

in addition to many of the other reasons for not having another baby (money, time, overpopulation, etc.), i had an incredibly complicated third trimester with my dd (who turns 3 this sunday!) and can't see my way clear to putting myself and my husband through it again. so, here we are--our "three is a magic number" family.

i look forward to learning a lot from you all.

peace,
binx


----------



## PatchChild

Another only child mom here. I'm still undecided about having another. I'm still so completely exhausted from my very, very high needs DS that the idea of another is scary. But to balance that, I never imagined having only one. I was picturing 3 for years.


----------



## Ili's Mama

Oh, I'll join this thread too. I've always felt kind of "strange" is NP circles, because at this time the plan is for Ili to be our one and only. Like everyone else has said, we just don't feel like we need more kids. She's a delight, and my pregnancy wasn't that bad. She has severe reflux, which is hereditary but not anything that would keep me from having another kid. We're just a small happy family.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Welcome everyone!







:


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## atom'smama

our son is 2.5 and we are planning on only having one (although I do admit to getting baby fever now and again). It just makes sense financially and other ways to us.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *atom'smama* 
our son is 2.5 and we are planning on only having one (although I do admit to getting baby fever now and again). It just makes sense financially and other ways to us.

I had just a touch of baby fever the other night. I went to a birth circle and someone brought their 3 week old DD. She was precious, but as the evening went on I was quickly reminded of how much I don't want to do that again. There was marathon nursing, pooping after just being changed, and a little bit of fussiness. Those days were hard and boring.


----------



## iris777888

I've been watching this thread for months, finally decided to post. Our son Jamie is near 18 months old. Even before he was born, we were near positive we wanted only one for many reasons. Everyone keeps telling us we're going to change our minds (and family members hope we will) but no sign of that yet. I had a great pregnancy and awesome birth, and occassionally feel slightly sad that won't ever happen again, but those feelings don't override our reasoning for keeping our family size at three. You gals have made me even more confident about our decision. Thank you!

The big question I have right now is around birth control. I'm still nursing and have only recently gotten my period back, irregularly so far. I don't want to do anything with chemicals, and am a bit afraid of the IUD because I already have quite heavy flow. We're doing condoms right now, but I feel like it's not quite enough of a guarantee as certain we are that we don't want additional kids. Since there are so many new mamas on here since the last time this was discussed, I'm curious to know what you're all doing for BC.


----------



## rambunctiouscurls

Iris777888, Ili'sMama, PatchChild, and Binx67

I'm on the MirenaIUD. the flow isn't bad for me, personally.
I still get cramps but hey, no pain, no gain, right?

eta. btw, My dd just turned 2 on the 17th.


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iris777888* 
The big question I have right now is around birth control. I'm still nursing and have only recently gotten my period back, irregularly so far. I don't want to do anything with chemicals, and am a bit afraid of the IUD because I already have quite heavy flow. We're doing condoms right now, but I feel like it's not quite enough of a guarantee as certain we are that we don't want additional kids. Since there are so many new mamas on here since the last time this was discussed, I'm curious to know what you're all doing for BC.

welcome to the thread








about birth control, there are natural methods that are ust as successful as taking the pill, if used correctly. I use the billings method, which is the easiest and most accurate method, and doesn't require taking temps or anything.
google it i guess, or look in the TTA threads.


----------



## caspian's mama

c's dad got a vasectomy when c was a year old. now we're splitting up, though, so i'm not sure what to do from here. i'd like something permanent but i hate surgery (and have no insurance). for now i'll just use condoms (blecch) if the opportunity presents itself (














and try to date women instead.









hey, speaking of which, anyone know if there are effective, "natural" condoms? i just "turned single" in june and i'm not anticipating any action soon but i'd like an alternative to the icky latex and whatnot at CVS.


----------



## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iris777888* 
The big question I have right now is around birth control. I'm still nursing and have only recently gotten my period back, irregularly so far. I don't want to do anything with chemicals, and am a bit afraid of the IUD because I already have quite heavy flow. We're doing condoms right now, but I feel like it's not quite enough of a guarantee as certain we are that we don't want additional kids. Since there are so many new mamas on here since the last time this was discussed, I'm curious to know what you're all doing for BC.

Well, the Mirena IUD is actually good for heavy flow - I have endometriosis and adenomyosis, and the Mirena IUD has been a lifesaver for me, pretty much no periods and only occasional cramps which are nowhere near as bad as w/out the IUD. The Paragard IUD is the one that can cause heavy flow.

In terms of BC, my DH got the big V. We waited a year after making our decision, to be certain that we were certain, if that makes sense.


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
and try to date women instead.

















:








as long as you don't have fertile-type cervical mucus, you're pretty safe.


----------



## alexisyael

We're using what basically amounts to Billings method (I go by fertile mucus and how my nipples feel, since that's a really realiable indicator of my fertility... also I have incredibly painful mittleschmertz so that tends to also be a helpful indicator). We also use condoms when I'm anywhere near fertile, and don't do vag-penile intercourse on those peak days.

Didn't someone mention something about neem oil awhile ago? I actually have some and have been thinking about trying it out as well... just as a backup, cause I don't know if I'd feel confident relying on it.

Kelly, your dating women plan sounds fun and oh so yummy!


----------



## caspian's mama

yah, it's just too bad majikfaery lives so far away!







:

it might have been me who posted re: neem. i just now googled "neem birth control" and, to my surprise, got a buncha hits (positive ones too not just naysayers). a "neem zealot"







from a company i used to work with first told me about it. i guess men take the capsules internally on a daily basis (which i think are dried plant not oil but i could be wrong) and women use the oil as an vaginal spermicide before sex. they did studies using volunteers from the indian army and the results were great, like 95%+ effective.


----------



## alexisyael

I thought it was, I just wasn't sure









I wish there was some way to be *sure* about it in practice... cause we're pretty much set on an only at this point! (My Dh will be getting a vasectomy in about a year, we decided to wait til our son was 3 before making that final step!)


----------



## caspian's mama

i think if you're already paying close attention to your cycles, in terms of mucus and phys sensitivities, and either withdrawing or avoiding full intercourse during peak times, neem could be a good choice. (if you guys are like crazy, teenaged bunnies then prob not so much.







) it all depends how you feel about abortion too, whether that would be an okay emergency option for you.


----------



## Pookietooth

Got no help in the b/c dept. -- we never need it because I have PCOS and can't conceive without lots of drugs -- and at this point even they aren't enough (I'm 42).


----------



## iris777888

Thanks for all the responses. I used a NFP method before getting pregnant that was reliable, but it doesn't work right now since I'm still nursing and not getting my period regularly yet. I feel like I'm ovulating frequently, which has made it hard to tell when to be extra cautious. The whole thing that brought this up for me again was at my annual exam the midwife mentioned emergency contraception as an option for condom breaks. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that, hence the rethink. Mommy2Amira - doesn't the Mirena have hormones?


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
as long as you don't have fertile-type cervical mucus, you're pretty safe.

ok, this has been bugging me. did you say this in response to my wishing to date ladies or regarding something else? because i've been scratchin my noggin trying to figure out how having fertile mucus would make up for my partner not having sperm.







:

(things were more logical when i only used to post after puffin...







)


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
ok, this has been bugging me. did you say this in response to my wishing to date ladies or regarding something else? because i've been scratchin my noggin trying to figure out how having fertile mucus would make up for my partner not having sperm.







:

(things were more logical when i only used to post after puffin...







)









:







:







:
no, they were unrelated.
my "yeah" was in wholehearted agreement with dating only women







(I'll see you friday) and the thing about mucus was a physiological thing regardless. of course, if you date only women it doesn't matter one bit if you're fertile or not with TTA


----------



## caspian's mama

thanks for clearin that up. i figured that's what you meant, but it was a helluva run-on paragraph!









and please, don't tease me with promises of overseas visits. my ego's too fragile for rejection right now!


----------



## Bug-a-Boo's Mama

Hi~
I just found this tribe! We have one DS who is 32 months old. He will be our only one. I have never really felt the need or want to have more than one child. Although, I will admit that I loving watching shows/movies where there are many kidlets (adults). But the getting there isn't in the card for us.

I haven't read through many posts on this thread yet, but did read this page regarding BC. I have mentioned to DH about getting a V. I have considered having my tubes tied, but have heard that everything isn't always smooth sailing. Also on the Dads thread on here, I discovered that there can be many complications for V's also. Ugh. They have something called Essure that inserted into our fallopian tubes. But it is so new. Currently we are using condoms. But I know that I don't want to do this forever. It was so hard for me to find a pill that worked before K.








:


----------



## Sonnenwende

Besides not having sex, there is no birth control that is 100% free of problems. I have to say though, the vasectomy has to be like 99.9% free of problems. My husband is pleased with it after a year and so am I. He's had no issues with it period.

You might also consider an IUD. They are good for many years.


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
thanks for clearin that up. i figured that's what you meant, but it was a helluva run-on paragraph!









and please, don't tease me with promises of overseas visits. my ego's too fragile for rejection right now!









no chance of rejection. dont worry







though international travel might put a bit of a dampener, it's not personal.

about BC, no method of BC is 100% effective, short of abstinence. not even condoms. IMO, if you're not prepared to risk getting pregnant, don't have intercourse.


----------



## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
no chance of rejection.









so sweet, thanks.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
no method of BC is 100% effective, short of abstinence.

and good ol' homosexuality.









(sorry, had to.)


----------



## majikfaerie

I can just hear everyone else on the thread groaning and saying "get a room!"


----------



## Indigo73

Our only is an only mostly due to medical reasons. Since I am the one who shouldn't have more children, I had my tubes tied day after DS was born. Very happy with decision.


----------



## Mommoo

I'm a mama of one who never planned to have children. So now I find it strange that I'm on the fence. DP is also. I think the only two factors that we are struggling collectively with are that we both have siblings and want a sibling for our son, and DP wants a daughter, so he wants to try again. For now I'm pretty firm on my no more children side of the fence, but I'm interested to read all of your posts to learn more about why you are mamas of one. Might help us decide once and for all!


----------



## marimara

Another mama of an only here! I just found and subscribed to this thread, it's great! My dd is 23 months old and we are very happy with just one. My dh had a vasectomy about 6 months ago and that pretty much sealed the deal. We were married for 7 years before we even became pregnant and this year is our 10 year anniversary (November)!

I think there is something about knowing your relationship (as someone said upthread) and intuiting that an only child is all you need. We are so happy to take our daughter every where with us when others want to leave the kids behind. Occasionally, I get the baby fever but quickly come to my senses. I had a rough time when Brooke was born, terrible bouts of mastitis and clogged ducts (but we're still going strong!) and I know for sure I'd have to breastfeed another and don't know if I could go thru that again, especially with a preschool-aged kiddo running around.

I also have some health conditions now that need to be treated it's just not in the cards for another baby. I am 100% cool with that, I love it, just being us 3, plus the doggie!


----------



## User101

Hi there! In the interest of limiting FYT to subjects not hosted elsewhere on the board, we have moved your tribe here. You're still a tribe, which means you're still support-only. If you have any questions about the move, please do not discuss it on the boards. Rather, contact an administrator or start a thread in Questions and Suggestions. Thanks, and happy posting!


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## majikfaerie

wow! I've been itching to get back on this thread!
welcome to our new home everyone!!!


----------



## alexisyael

Um, w00t!


----------



## aprons_and_acorns

I just wanted to stop in and say









I'm the mom of one just-turned-four year old boy, and I think he will probably be my one and only. I love being his mother, but don't feel any desire to add more children to the family. Our family of three just feels complete. I am so glad you all are here and now I am going to try to read through some of the many, many posts on this thread.


----------



## chamomeleon

Hi, I'd love to join you ladies! My 3-year-old son is an only. I've always thought that I'd go one way or the other - either have just one child, or like 4 or more.







We are so happy with our decision to have one. Tumblingstar, I can totally relate to your whole post (except for the health issues,







.) My husband had his vasectomy 2 months after our son was born, because we just knew. Now that DS is getting old enough to do all the things we loved to do together before he was born, I can't imagine starting all over again and missing this window of time with him. I also got a little of the baby fever when all of my friends starting having their second children, but it was short-lived.

Oh yeah, and a big







for vasectomy as birth control over here! (Oh, and I'm sure homosexuality works just as well if that's the way you roll.







)

Question for you mamas: have any of you found that as the only mama of one in your group of friends, you start to become more of a babysitter than an "equal member," so to speak? I feel like I've lost some of the connection I had with my friends after they all had second children, since I can sympathize - but not really relate - to their struggles with parenting two. Lots of times when we all hang out together, I find that I'm the baby-holder or the bigger-kid-wrangler, and that's frustrating. (Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and their kids and I want to help, but sometimes I feel like I'm not given the choice, KWIM?) I chose to have one child so I could focus my attention on him AND because I know that my nerves start to get frayed when my attention is split too many ways. Now sometimes I'm stuck with 5 kids clambering for attention and I feel like my son loses out. I guess I just need to learn to speak up more for US!

Anyway, nice to meet you all!


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## caspian's mama

cham, i get that vibe sometimes too. i sure do love me some vicarious baby wranglin but the bigger kids are usually less fun. we went camping this weekend and it was great the first day. casi took off with the 3 other kids and half the time i honestly didn't know where he was. (that sounds bad! we were on someone's property, though, not at a campground and tons of other adults were everywhere.) he started getting a little restless the second day, though, and was a bit clingy when i got back from my sweat lodge retreat. i had just been nice and recharged so i didn't mind pampering him a bit in return.







then his friend started doing it, though. she's younger and her mom had just gone back home so she was pretty whiny and VERY needy, kept wanting to drink my drink (out of my cup), eat my food, and WAY up in my physical space. i kept telling her she knew where the cups were and could get herself a drink or ask another grownup, stuff like that, but finally had to say "listen, you need to go find your dad."







: i felt a little mean but wtf? i was on vacation. and there's SO many damned good reasons i only have 1 child!


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## rhubarbarin

Why do you think the idea of 'only children' is such a big deal? It's one of those hot-button subjects that everyone has an opinion on.. and boy, do they feel free to share!

I know two families with one young child who are not having more. People are RELENTLESS with the questioning, value judgements and pressure. Strangers, family, and friends.

I know many, many only children of all ages, as well as plenty of people who have full or half siblings, but with such a big age difference that they didn't grow up together. It's so common that I just can't understand all the fuss. And it's so obvious that in the end, it doesn't make a big difference. Those onlies I have discussed it with.. most of them are happy with the way things are.

I'm not a mom yet. I've always imagined having more than one child.. but we'll see. It's so much a matter of individual preference and circumstances.


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## chamomeleon

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
...casi took off with the 3 other kids and half the time i honestly didn't know where he was. (that sounds bad!...

No it doesn't - you have a free-range kid and that's awesome!

Oh I totally hear you about other people's kids all up in your personal space. I don't know what it is, but my friends' kids have all seemed to latch on to me at one time or another as their "favorite," wanting to sit in my lap, hold my hand, share my food, etc. It's flattering and all, but it can be a bit much, not to mention that it irks my little guy to have to share his mama. They're constantly interrupting me while I'm trying to participate in the adult conversation, and instead of gently pointing out that it's impolite and redirecting them, my friends just laugh and say, "Oh, s/he loves you so much!" and then the conversation goes on without me while I get swept into the vortex.







One of the kids lately has developed the habit of saying "Excuse me please!" while opening/closing his hand inches in front of my face. He only does it to me, and no less than once a minute. I've had to start actively avoiding him because it drives me insane!!

Rhubarbarin, I don't know why the "only child" thing is such a BFD, but I sure have heard all the arguments about why we should have more! I just chalk it up to the same lack of social grace that leads people to believe they have the right to comment on our veganism, extended breastfeeding, homeschooling, or any of the other choices we've made for our lives.


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## Pookietooth

I think our society has decided that two children is a family, and anyone who rocks the boat and has only one is an oddball. This is despite the fact that a growing number of families have only one child in them. I hear that people with more than two, especially those with four or more, get a lot of judgement as well. People tend to be uncomfortable with difference either way.

I don't have many friends who have more than one child, at least not close friends, and the less close friends tend not to trust me with their kids -- I think they think as a mom of an only, I must not have it together enough to handle more than one. Or maybe they just don't like me, or our parenting styles clash.


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## MorgnsGrl

Hi there!

I just found this thread -- I'm not terribly active here at MDC, but I'm definitely here. My DH and I have a wonderful, awesome only who just turned 8. We'd talked before we got married about how we both thought one child would be enough for us. DH has three siblings, I have one. Then we tried to conceive for years, finally got some fertility testing and were told we wouldn't be able to have children without medical support. Well, we decided if we weren't meant to have kids, we wouldn't. We splurged on a big screen TV and took a vacation to Scotland (which was AMAZING, btw), came home, and got pregnant a couple of months later.

I didn't enjoy being pregnant, had a traumatic birth experience, then PPD, and DS is high needs with some challenges (low muscle tone and what I suspect might eventually be diagnosed as SID or possibly Asperger's). (DH's brothers are both on the Autism spectrum.) I don't do well on little sleep and went through the first two years of DS's life with pretty significant depression and anxiety. I'm better now but awaiting a diagnosis on what the neurologist thinks is probably MS, so the thought of adding to our family, even if it were possible, wasn't one we wanted to entertain. DH had a vasectomy a few years back and we are very happy with our 3-person family.

Interestingly, there are a NUMBER of families in our small neighborhood with only children (all by choice), which is awesome. But I'm always looking for more places to feel like I belong, so I'm thrilled to have found this thread!







:


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## Indigo73

Most of my IRL have multiple children, but most of them, especially the crunchy ones don't ever question DS being an only. I sometimes get asked by acquaintances if I am going to have more, my answer is usually just a simple no and move on. I don't feel I have to defend myself. Now that DS is 6, the musing over more children, from others, is rare.


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## Norasmomma

Hello I'm a momma of one and am on the fence about another. In fact Dh and I didn't even know if we would ever have kids, but then my bio clock went all crazy and I wanted to be a mom really badly. DH was pretty against it, I had some issues that I had to deal with, but I made a real change to be a good mom and prove to DH that this was a part of life that I needed to be fulfilled. I got pg pretty much immediately after "the talk" and went on to have a healthy, easy pregnancy. DH is from a big family(he's #6 of 7), I'm an only from my parents, but have 2 half sisters who are 12 years younger than me. We talked when I was pg about having only one, then when DD was born DH kept saying, "Well we could have another". Now we sit on the fence, and time is ticking.

I have heard everyone's opinions about this, I have a friend who was had a "surprise" pg when I was due with DD, now she is already expecting again. She always says,"you _have_ to have another kiddo, people can't just have one." I don't get this, but before DD people always asked us when we were having kids, and we said we didn't know. I have had baby fever again, but IDK if I can go through the aftermath of PP, I was great, but then I had horrid migraines while nursing. I had to have a C/S after a very long and arduous labor with basically my DD becoming stuck in my pelvis with little descent, I can't have a vaginal delivery because of medical reasons, so I just don't know if I want to do this again.

I feel like no one gets that I would only want one kid, gosh I don't even know if I only want one, but right now I have her and she's awesome(and I know another would be too.)


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## majikfaerie

welcome to the new members








I think everyone who has more than one kid feels that it's the only way to go. of course they would! they love all their kids. but that doesn't mean it's the right thing for everyone.

we're just starting to look at a new dynamic - my gf is starting to think about having a child. not immediately, but one day. so that would be a whole different dynamic to our family.


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## insahmniak

I've lately started to consider that my daughter may be one who grows up to really resent the challenges posed by being an only. (I see the only/multiple issue as having challenges on both sides.) I am aware of the potential and I can try to help her, but I cannot go so far as to bring more children into our family. My DP and I feel so challenged and on the brink of overwhelmed with one that I'm almost certain that more than one would break us. We're simply facing our limitations as people - and it sucks that it might really end up bumming out our daughter.

(BTW this isn't a complaint about raising an only, or raising children, or anything for that matter. I'm just acknowledging all the possibilities and getting kind of worried about the worst possible outcome. Wow - did I just type that?!)


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## Mommoo

I sometimes feel like I am considered less of a mother because I only have one child. I always get the question "is he your first?" And I feel like it's more of an assessment or like it explains something to them than just making conversation.

I hear of so many struggles from mamas of more than one and I don't think I could do it, personally. I am so tired all of the time right now! If we ever think of having another I want a break from nursing and cosleeping before it happens.







But, I can't imagine doing it again. As beautiful as it has been, I don't think I have it in me.

My only concern is DS growing up without a sibling. I guess I should talk to adult only children to gain some perspective.


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## alexisyael

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommoo* 
I sometimes feel like I am considered less of a mother because I only have one child. I always get the question "is he your first?" And I feel like it's more of an assessment or like it explains something to them than just making conversation.

Around here, the saying goes: "You aren't really a parent until you have three kids." Well, um... OK. I guess I'll go back to my non-parental life, thank you very much!

I _just_ had one of those "all the kids flocked to me b/c their parents weren't paying attention to them" days yesterday, actually. Went to a local play center (like Gymboree, but local -- basically an indoor playground that I pay a membership to join so we don't have to go to the park in 90+ weather) and sure enough, all the kids played with me and my son. Which is sorta nice, unless there's a kid who *needs* too much. Actually, my niece can be that way and she's kinda an only (has two older half sibs, but they have not lived with her most of her life). So, I wonder if it has more to do with your quality as a mom and less about only having one kid? Some of us are just magical kid people, ya know?


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## caspian's mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *insahmniak* 
I've lately started to consider that my daughter may be one who grows up to really resent the challenges posed by being an only.

i'm not sure if i understand. do you feel like elaborating? why do you think she'd resent having unlimited attention from 2 devoted parents? has she been asking for a sib?

(not trying to pry. just want to help you talk thru it, if you're so inclined.)


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
i'm not sure if i understand. do you feel like elaborating? why do you think she'd resent having unlimited attention from 2 devoted parents? has she been asking for a sib?

(not trying to pry. just want to help you talk thru it, if you're so inclined.)









Yes, I was wondering this, too.

Mommoo, I'm an adult only so you can ask me whatever you want!


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## onlyzombiecat

Dh and I do have limitations. I feel it is responsible to admit that.

Dh and I are doing our best to have a loving happy home, marriage and family. We are pretty considerate of dd but there is a point where her desires aren't very important to us. That sounds a bit callous I suppose.

I hope dd will recognize and understand that the choices we have made are what we felt was best for our family. I ultimately don't really care if dd someday wishes she had had siblings though. We didn't choose this way to burden her- it is just the way things are.

I won't tell her to have a child because I want a grandchild ... or to not have more children. That's up to her.

There are so many things she'll have to agonize about that I don't know how she'll choose what to have a hard time about.
_We didn't give her a sibling. How dare we decide about our own fertility without her input!
How could we homeschool her when everyone else we know goes to public school?
Why did we live where we did? Maybe we should have lived in a bigger city or New Zealand.
Why didn't I work instead of being a SAHM?
Why didn't we go to church?
Why didn't we go to Disney World?_

There is always therapy.


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## finn74

ive got my joyboy and dont want another. my dh on the other hand wants 2 or 3. the only reason why i would have another baby is to give him a sibling, which to me is a pretty flimsy reason considering i would be the one to care, feed, nurture, guide, love, sacrifice, and attend to, not him.


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## insahmniak

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
i'm not sure if i understand. do you feel like elaborating? why do you think she'd resent having unlimited attention from 2 devoted parents? has she been asking for a sib?

(not trying to pry. just want to help you talk thru it, if you're so inclined.)









Yes, I'd love to try to talk through it. Thank you!

There have been a few other threads lately regarding onlies that I read a bit, and I tried hard to take a good hard look at the difficulties voiced by onlies. And of course I can see their point of view. The shared history and shared perspective of siblings is something I've been dwelling on lately. Even though we're not super close, I do have this with my siblings and it does bring me comfort and a sense of connection, differences and all, that seems very unique. I suppose it's the not so much the sibling as the sibling relationship I'm considering.

I do appreciate how much the childhood experience can be wrought with "grass is greener" issues. I think what I may be working though is simply about coming to terms with not being able to give my daughter *all* the grass - the "every opportunity" only grass and the "sibling relationship" multiple grass. Crazy, I know. But I also think wishing to grant our kids everything is not an uncommon desire among parents, regardless of numbers of children. I know I've heard my wonderful sister, mother of five, wax nostalgic for the time when it was just her and her oldest, puttering around the house reading and listening to the clock tick. And this is a woman who adores her family and all of her children. Her eldest had something the others never got. And I'm sure some of them may resent that more than others. But for that, I suppose, there's therapy.

onlyzombiecat - your post made me laugh. Isn't it great how a simple post can be so telling? You totally get me. That very list you made could be my daughter's too. Maybe in a couple dozen years they'll meet up on some online board and commiserate.


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## libba

Just found this and we have one dd who is getting ready to be 8 and in second grade. Due to secondary infertility she will be our only and she is a blessing to our lives every day! Subbing to this thread!


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## majikfaerie

oh the grass is greener!
well, for every only who wished for a sibling, you can find a kid who didn't connect with her sibs and wished to be an only.

the grass *is* greener on the other side. only problem is, once you're on the other side, it has become THIS side, and the grass is still greener over there.


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## kmb9906

My name is Kim, and I am a SAHM to my one and only DD, who is 4 months old. I think she may be our one and only ... though I am regularly told NOT to make such decisions so soon PP. (Um, or we may have thought about this BEFORE we had DD.







)

We had two consecutive losses before conceiving DD. When I got my positive pg test, I didn't even get excited, because I was afraid I would lose my baby _again._ To our delight, we didn't lose her. But, the previous losses have me scared to try. DD also ended up being an emergency c/s. Despite reading numerous success stories, VBACs and repeat c/s both scare me.


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## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *insahmniak* 
My DP and I feel so challenged and on the brink of overwhelmed with one that I'm almost certain that more than one would break us. We're simply facing our limitations as people - and it sucks that it might really end up bumming out our daughter.

So...she might grow up to resent being an only, but wouldn't she also resent growing up in a family that was even MORE stressed out by an additional child? That's what would happen in our family, and I am not willing to go there.

I prefer to think that dd will grow up enjoying us and us enjoying her as much as we can. For some odd reason, I don't panic about her missing out on the sibling thing. Perhaps it is because we live in a neighbourhood filled with kids, and I am sure she will have great memories of family, wonderful friends, and good internal resources to carry her through her future life.

onlyzombiecat, loved your post too. Tee hee. We may get to Disney eventually, but right now dd thinks that most tv characters are the dolls that other kids have (ie: our three year old neighbour has a doll who happens to be named Dora).


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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *insahmniak* 
I've lately started to consider that my daughter may be one who grows up to really resent the challenges posed by being an only. (I see the only/multiple issue as having challenges on both sides.) I am aware of the potential and I can try to help her, but I cannot go so far as to bring more children into our family. My DP and I feel so challenged and on the brink of overwhelmed with one that I'm almost certain that more than one would break us. We're simply facing our limitations as people - and it sucks that it might really end up bumming out our daughter.

Sure there are onlies who are unhappy--but I suspect that being an only isn't *really* at the bottom of it. I have several close only-child friends who loves being onlies. Why? Because their parents really listened to them, met their own unique needs, respected them as individuals. That's all we can do as parents of 1, 2, or 10 children, honestly. Rather than worry about how my daughter might feel, I try to understand how she actually feels and do what I can to meet her needs. She's incredibly social and outgoing--so we go to the park every day, we take lots of classes together, and we're starting her in nursery school this fall. A sibling isn't the "answer" to her need for lots of socialization--the answer is to make sure she has lots of socialization.

Dh and I feel similarly overwhelmed as parents and, in that situation, I would never bring another child into the family. That's not a "gift" to my daughter--it's a recipe for miserable, stressed-out, overwhelmed, impatient parents, less time and attention, and fewer resources. You also don't know what you're going get when you have another--dd is very easy-going and independent and we're STILL overwhelmed. What if I had a high needs or special needs child?

As for shared history...I am estranged from my brother, so there is nothing to "share" there. He has caused me, and my family, nothing but pain over the last decade or so. I have other siblings, some of whom I see and talk with regularly, some of whom are barely involved in my life at all. I believe firmly that we make our own families. Siblings are not the only ones with whom one develops a shared history--there are cousins, family friends, spouses, etc. When I need someone to talk to, I generally don't go to one of my siblings--I go to my husband.

Only children miss out on certain experiences; but children with siblings miss out on certain experiences, too. All we can do is make the best choices for our individual families.


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## SweetPotato

Hi everyone- I posted an intro on this thread many many pages back. My dd will be 3 in Nov.-- I had 3 previous mcs, 4 mos of bedrest, and a forceps delivery. Dh and I had both been quite happy with the decision to have only one child-- but now that she's older, in her own room, etc. I'm finding myself suddenly thinking of having one more. I'm not sure what's going on- maybe it's just my hormones finally settling back to normal. All of the reasons that we had for wanting to stick with one remain. We live on a very tightly knit cul-de-sac with several other onlies (though they're a few years older than dd) and other kids to play with. I worry about being put on bedrest again even though tha doc said it was unlikely-- that would be a disaster for dd. It feels silly, but at the same time, I find myself wondering "why not"-- we have the space, the money, the time, the energy (most days) and we're darn good parents, if I may say so myself! Sometimes I hate being so responsible and planning the daylights out of everything (we waited 8 years before deciding to ttc the first time)- even though I know that we enjoy the long term results of that responsibility every day.

Does anyone else go through this wavering? Is it an ovulation-hormone thing? Do your spouses waver? What are the sticking points that keep you settled with the thought of only one? I should add that this is also more than just a longing for a tiny baby again- I'm suddenly interested in parenting two kids growing up together- at the same time as I watch friends and neighbors raising two and being glad that I'm not in their shoes (though most of theirs are much more closely spaced than would be the case for us) I'm afraid of losing what we have now- the relative freedom that's just finally creeping back into our lives and the wonderful flexibility that dd and I have every day. Having dd threw us for a serious loop- but a big part of me thinks that we'd handle another baby differently now and that things would go more smoothly.

Anyway- we agreed that we' discuss it when dd turns three-- and so I know that I need to just settle down and see if I still feel this way in a few months. Part of me hopes that I'll get back to normal, but I also just really worry that we could push it later and later and that not having another child will be something I really come to regret in my life. Please share your experiences on the fence and what things kept you from taking the plunge.


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## insahmniak

Just to be perfectly clear: I'm fully aware that this is a support thread and I'm not at all debating our family status or the very personal nature of how many children are best for a family. It doesn't feel like I need convincing that I've done the right thing. I'm just working through some of the very personal insecurities that have come up for me. I totally get the grass is greener notion and I do believe it completely. I guess I'm simply coming to terms with the limitations of life itself. It's absolutely impossible to give my daughter all the benefits of only-ness as well as all the benefits of siblings. What's more, I have my own limitations - like not being very socially inclined - that if I'm totally honest with myself will almost certainly leave my daughter wanting. I believe that's the nature of human relationships. As a parent, though - Ugh! How do I accept that who am I will likely - in at least some way or another - leave my daughter wanting?

Honestly - as old as I am, it feels awkward to still have to consciously put effort into accepting my own limitations and life's trade-offs. I'm pretty sure I've come to terms with these things for myself. But gosh it's just not very easy to accept that my daughter will be affected by them. I want to throw a fit like she sometimes does when she's faced with a tough choice. What I'm giving voice to here is that I want her to have it all - more than I can give her - even more than any one life can give her. Because I got that crazy kind of love like that for her. It's beyond rational.


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## DariusMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 

Does anyone else go through this wavering? Is it an ovulation-hormone thing? Do your spouses waver? What are the sticking points that keep you settled with the thought of only one? I should add that this is also more than just a longing for a tiny baby again- I'm suddenly interested in parenting two kids growing up together- at the same time as I watch friends and neighbors raising two and being glad that I'm not in their shoes (though most of theirs are much more closely spaced than would be the case for us) I'm afraid of losing what we have now- the relative freedom that's just finally creeping back into our lives and the wonderful flexibility that dd and I have every day. Having dd threw us for a serious loop- but a big part of me thinks that we'd handle another baby differently now and that things would go more smoothly.


I'm experiencing all of this. DS is 5.5 and I finally feel as though I might be up for another one (for all the reasons listed above). I'm also 37, so thinking that if we want another one, we do need to get on it. But I waver, also for all the reasons listed above. I'll just have to see .. . . but I'm glad I'm not alone.


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## alexisyael

sweetpotato, I could have written that a few months ago (well, except for the age difference of our little ones and my son's not in his own bed yet!). But I was wavering.

I think I'm wavering a lot less since we got back from our summer vacation. Three weeks on my own with my son in California visiting relatives and then three as a family in Europe (SPAIN!) has me remembering the huge benefits of limiting our family to only one: more freedom and money to keep traveling, more time for all of us together and for us as mama-son and daddy-son and husband-wife. Everybody wins!

I'll probably waver again... we're also waiting until he is three to make the decision. But right now I feel settled


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## yentroc

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
Hi everyone- I posted an intro on this thread many many pages back. My dd will be 3 in Nov.-- I had 3 previous mcs, 4 mos of bedrest, and a forceps delivery. Dh and I had both been quite happy with the decision to have only one child-- but now that she's older, in her own room, etc. I'm finding myself suddenly thinking of having one more. I'm not sure what's going on- maybe it's just my hormones finally settling back to normal. All of the reasons that we had for wanting to stick with one remain. We live on a very tightly knit cul-de-sac with several other onlies (though they're a few years older than dd) and other kids to play with. I worry about being put on bedrest again even though tha doc said it was unlikely-- that would be a disaster for dd. It feels silly, but at the same time, I find myself wondering "why not"-- we have the space, the money, the time, the energy (most days) and we're darn good parents, if I may say so myself! Sometimes I hate being so responsible and planning the daylights out of everything (we waited 8 years before deciding to ttc the first time)- even though I know that we enjoy the long term results of that responsibility every day.

Does anyone else go through this wavering? Is it an ovulation-hormone thing? Do your spouses waver? What are the sticking points that keep you settled with the thought of only one? I should add that this is also more than just a longing for a tiny baby again- I'm suddenly interested in parenting two kids growing up together- at the same time as I watch friends and neighbors raising two and being glad that I'm not in their shoes (though most of theirs are much more closely spaced than would be the case for us) I'm afraid of losing what we have now- the relative freedom that's just finally creeping back into our lives and the wonderful flexibility that dd and I have every day. Having dd threw us for a serious loop- but a big part of me thinks that we'd handle another baby differently now and that things would go more smoothly.

Anyway- we agreed that we' discuss it when dd turns three-- and so I know that I need to just settle down and see if I still feel this way in a few months. Part of me hopes that I'll get back to normal, but I also just really worry that we could push it later and later and that not having another child will be something I really come to regret in my life. Please share your experiences on the fence and what things kept you from taking the plunge.

Yes SweetPotato, I waver every single day... I feel so crazy sometimes! I can be so sure I want dd to be an only and the next day I feel so sure that I want another baby.

I want dd to be an only for all of the reasons mentioned in this thread... (I posted once upon a time in this thread too). But there are some reasons that I don't want dd to be an only and they have nothing to do with her having siblings. Fortunately dd has cousins that live very close by that are like sisters to her.

I just don't know if I'm built for parenting two children... I see my sister having to be a constant referee to her two girls and nothing about that looks fun to me. Granted, her girls are just under 3 years apart and if dd had a sibling they would be further apart, but siblings always fight eventually.


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## majikfaerie

ugh, dp has been pressuring me lately to have another child. everytime we get into a rough patch with dd - she acts up, or is shy or is somehow difficult, he says we should have another kid







:
sigh.


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## alexisyael

majik that sounds really annoying (and weird, cause how is having another kid gonna help?)


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexisyael* 







majik that sounds really annoying (and weird, cause how is having another kid gonna help?)

thanks. yeah, it's like stepping into bizarro world.







he thinks if she has a sib, dd won't be so clingy and she won't need so much entertainment.
yeah







I'm the one who'll do all that bfing and diapering and sleepless nights and crying baby stuff, just so *he* wont have to entertain dd so much.


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## alexisyael

I'm sorry, but that's HILARIOUS reasoning! Cause having a new baby isn't gonna throw little tree for a loop and make her clingier for awhile (even in the best of families that seems to happen) and newborns are SO FUN for bigger kids to play with!









(I mean, eventually, sure, they'd play together, but by that point little treee will be in a totally new phase, no matter whether she has a sib or not!)


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
ugh, dp has been pressuring me lately to have another child. everytime we get into a rough patch with dd - she acts up, or is shy or is somehow difficult, he says we should have another kid







:
sigh.

Oh man! I don't even understand this. It's when DD is being a mess that I feel completely confident on our decision to have one.

Hope it gets better for you!


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## caspian's mama

tell him to get his own uterus.


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## majikfaerie

thanks mamas. exactly what i've been saying.


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## JElaineB

Hello! I just found this thread. I am mamma to an almost six year old DS. He started kindergarten this year and we will be having a big birthday party for him in a few weeks. I look forward to connecting with other moms with one!


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## Pookietooth

Actually, I have a friend who found that her high needs two year old did get less clingy for awhile after her second dd was born -- but I also remember days when her dd2 was a baby when I'd call and she'd say she was emotionally exhausted. She said that her older dd started to put some of the focus onto the new baby instead of her.


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## netgyks

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
Sure there are onlies who are unhappy--but I suspect that being an only isn't *really* at the bottom of it. I have several close only-child friends who loves being onlies. Why? Because their parents really listened to them, met their own unique needs, respected them as individuals. That's all we can do as parents of 1, 2, or 10 children, honestly. Rather than worry about how my daughter might feel, I try to understand how she actually feels and do what I can to meet her needs. She's incredibly social and outgoing--so we go to the park every day, we take lots of classes together, and we're starting her in nursery school this fall. A sibling isn't the "answer" to her need for lots of socialization--the answer is to make sure she has lots of socialization.

Dh and I feel similarly overwhelmed as parents and, in that situation, I would never bring another child into the family. That's not a "gift" to my daughter--it's a recipe for miserable, stressed-out, overwhelmed, impatient parents, less time and attention, and fewer resources. You also don't know what you're going get when you have another--dd is very easy-going and independent and we're STILL overwhelmed. What if I had a high needs or special needs child?

As for shared history...I am estranged from my brother, so there is nothing to "share" there. He has caused me, and my family, nothing but pain over the last decade or so. I have other siblings, some of whom I see and talk with regularly, some of whom are barely involved in my life at all. I believe firmly that we make our own families. Siblings are not the only ones with whom one develops a shared history--there are cousins, family friends, spouses, etc. When I need someone to talk to, I generally don't go to one of my siblings--I go to my husband.

Only children miss out on certain experiences; but children with siblings miss out on certain experiences, too. All we can do is make the best choices for our individual families.

Gosh that sums up my feelings so well. We're way too early on making a final decision on the size of our family, but my husband and I are leaning heavily to the only child side of the fence. The main thing that drives me to want another child is so my son can have the opportunity for the same close relationship I have with my brother. There couldn't possibly be two non-twin siblings as close as we are, despite all of our differences. But I look at every other sibling relationship around me and see nothing there. My mom and her siblings, they never talk. They don't even like each other. All 2 years apart btw. My husband and his brother are not close at all. 8 years apart. He calls on his brother's birthday and maybe Christmas. Otherwise no contact except hearing about him through the parents. What I see as a possible opportunity may never even pan out for him. And I feel that we would be robbing him of so much by having a baby that we probably cannot afford and definitely do not have time for since I still have to work and I barely manage to work from home with our son. If I get fired, well everything goes down the toilet (meh, move to an apt., file bankruptcy, be 100% focused on my son, we would survive, but with two, OUCH).

So the debate goes. I will make a final decision by age 37, maybe sooner. I hate using the diaphragm lol!


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## majikfaerie

thanks for bumping this thread


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## widemouthedfrog

hello, out there!
feeling a little better about our decision to have one these days, though we're not final on the birth control front.

i love my ability to hang out with dh a bit now...and pursue a lot of my own interests. And since dh is debating a master's degree, it seems very sensible to have one!


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## *bejeweled*

Hi, I absolutely







this thread. We have made the decision to have one and I feel so good about it.

I told DH---Having one is the best of both worlds. We get to be parents and also have many moments of peace and calm. I am finding that I really love our simple life and relish quiet and solitude more and more.

DD is 6 y.o., is







: utter joy and I love being her Mommy. I also love the fact that I nursed her nearly two years and coslept as much as possible. I really cherished those baby years...........


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## dido1

Hi Tricia!

DS is 4.5 now and I think I'm finally comfortable in my heart with my mental decision to only have one child. Recently I went through a HUGE period of wanting another child, but when DH finally relented and said Okay, I completely freaked out and decided no. I think I just needed it to be my decision? But since we aren't 100% positive, I just had an IUD put in rather than insist DH go to get a vasectomy.

What I love the most right now about having an only is that I get to parent him exactly as I want without having to worry about neglecting anyone else or vice versa. I like that I can afford a few indulgences, like taking him out for dinner. I like that at long last he goes to sleep without me lying with him and I get a couple of hours to grown up time before my bedtime (there were years when I doubted that would ever happen, LOL).

I love babies and I love children, but I also really love that my life is beginning to take on a more adult tone again. I think if I was younger, maybe I'd have another child, but at 37 (just about), I'm loving my life with just DH, my sweet little DS and me.


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## LuxPerpetua

Hi there.

I'm an only child with an only child myself, and I have to say I love it. I love that I'm able to "hang out" with her without having to be either a "parent" or a "referee." My mother was from a large family and hated it. She's moderately close to her siblings as an adult, but growing up she always felt neglected--plus, her parents were so stressed financially and emotionally that there was a lot of negativity in the air at their house. I love the freedom of having just one. I love that I get "me" time and I still have lots of time just with dd. I never wanted a sibling growing up at all (well, unless you count my desire for a twin, but by the time I came up with that idea that point was rather moot). I have every confidence in raising an only child since I am one myself, and I am not worried in the least about her turning out self-centered or spoiled. In fact, the most ego-centric folks I know have siblings. I've known a handful of onlies, and they have, by far, been some of the most empathetic, responsible, and interesting people I have ever met.

I'm looking forward to joining the discussion here. Great thread! I'm glad I'm not 'alone' in this. (bad pun, I know!







)


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## majikfaerie

welcome new members


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## Caneel

Mom of one chiming in. I am glad to see this thread.


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## SweetPotato

Hi again. I was wondering if any of you have sought out other families with onlies to hang out with. I'm in a mini-playgroup with two friends who each have kids my dd's age, but they both also have babiesclose in age-- I have to admit that I'm afraid of feeling a little left out. Not like that's a reason to have another, but just that I feel like there are so many things that they can share with eachother that I don't really get, since I only have one. I also wonder if, down the line, my family might end up being left aside a bit since they each will have kids to entertain and play with both of theirs, while hanging with us may leave their youngest bored. Does that make any sense? I certainly enjoy spending times with all sorts of people, but sometimes I think it might be nice for the whole family, especially dd, to grow up with another only family.


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## libba

I have two friends who are moms to onlies and we enjoy getting together with our girls! My DD is best friends with their girls and they are like her sisters that don't live with us!








One of DD's friends recently told her how lucky she was not to have a brother because they are a pain!


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## ReadingMama

I'm the mom of a wonderful 8 year old son. I'm happy with my family, but I admit that sometimes I feel like I'm just--different--because I only have one child. Sometimes I envy moms with multiple kids and I worry that my son is missing out by not having a sibling. I just posted this before I found this tribe. I'm looking forward to reading through (some of) this thread!


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## AnalogWife

I really want to go through pregnancy and birth again...but another....? I'm not sure I'm ready. DS is 17.5 months and everyone always says to have them close in age, but, I don't think I'm ready to start over again.

My DH is REALLY wanting to stop at one. It was very difficult to get this one out of him (he was close to what some people call "childfree"---making the conscious decision to not have children) but I coaxed this one out of him and he is over the moon in love with DS







: and is a SAHD during the day (he works at night) but at 43 and not getting the sleep he should be, this baby is kicking his heiny! When I make references to "Little Bro/Little Sis" he is usually good natured, including how NOT this person is going to come into our lives...but there was one time his face fell and just said "It's not as big of an instinct for Dads as it is Mums." It was at that point that I started thinking that I probably shouldn't push him, that we are HAPPY as we are (Sil and Bil plus their 3 kids came to visit, and they were harried, tired, exhausted, distracted, and to be honest...not a lot of fun!) and that we probably shouldn't mess with a good thing!

One thing is...we want to homeschool and I feel like it's on the edge of goofy to homeschool an only child. It won't stop me, but in this case I kind of wish we had more than one.


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## majikfaerie

analogwife, i totally get the desire to be pg and birth again. I REALLY want to do that. but I don't want another child.
dp does want another child, but can see my reasons for not wanting one.

we are unschooling an only, and it's fine







there's a few onlies in our HS group.


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## pghgranola

glad to have found this tribe!

it's nice to "meet" people who won't be asking me "how long have you been trying for your second?"

we are a small family, with a small dog, living in a small house, driving a small car. and we love it!


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## boatbaby

Just dropping in to say HI!







:

Another happy mama to an only, and as my friends go for their 2nd, 3rd, and beyond I am more and more confident about our decision. I always exhale when leaving their homes, happy to have some peace with my DS and DH.


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## ReadingMama

Another mom homeschooling an only child here!


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## majikfaerie




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## jaidymama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ReadingMama* 
Another mom homeschooling an only child here!









How do you like it? I have been considering it, although I think if we did I would need to make a huge effort to be social/busy.


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## sapphos

we're still parents to an only although we're still talking about whether we should try for one more addition. We plan to unschool. Our daughter is almost 2.


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## ReadingMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jaidymama* 
How do you like it? I have been considering it, although I think if we did I would need to make a huge effort to be social/busy.

We love it. It is a struggle to find other kids for unstructured play, but there are plenty of organized activities to get involved in. It's just that we have to consciously plan playdates instead of play times just happening spontaneously. Part of that is that I don't let my son run the neighborhood like most of the neighborhood kids can. (He's 8.) We're involved with two homeschool groups and we get a lot of social activity through them.


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## Enchanted Gypsy

Bump....

Another mom of an only here !!


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## BellaClaudia

Hi there







: one baby here too!

so happy to see this thread.
it is so true, we just have such a different dinamics then multikid families.

I fell depressed sometime watching those 8 -16 kid families on tv seeing how they just surf through the day jump jump jump.

I have one kid 3.5 and it is lots of happy but exhosting work to make it right
and make it good day and grow and be happy and enjoy not only run run run.. we laugh we smell the roses, we chase eachother, tell stories.. we
take time and make mess, take time to clean it, take time to look into our eyes when we talk and listen.. we do those things...

and then I watch those movies and it makes me cry.. it seem like I am lousy mom for not being acomplish so much really as they seem as they have that many kids..

then I turn off tv, look at my life and I am happy again where I am.. I don't want to be shared 8 times.. I don't have to enjoy one child only fraction per day, not to be able to give the full parent to him her ... but havig siblings to bring eachother up instead.. for most part..

I know that there is so many good things we miss like the sharing toys and taking example from other kids we don't here on everyday basis.. but
then again..

can't have it all..

we did not said last word on the next child.. but I don't feel up to the challenge.. my child is super sensitive, very demanding, no sleeper till 3.0..
no naper, super high energy and very smart and very hungry to learn and absorb, always super aware of all surroundings, sensitive to noise, crowds..
so all in all.. I don't know.. It has been such a hard work .. happy but hard..
I really feel like I raised at least 5 and I see only one







... what took so much work? you know what I mean..

I guess the matter of fact is that we are able to fill our life and day with what we have.. if I had 8 I would have to do it differently, I have one so I do as much as with 8 anyways right? how anyone can do more then anyone is really doing since we all have 2 hands and 2 legs?

It is just that when you look at those programs those moms looks like spiders







.. or octopuses..

what in turn it will be.. I need to talk to more people who grew up in one kid family because I think that the only think that could change my mind about the second would be my child's well being, if she would be trully deeply depraved then i would have another one..

I grew up in 3 kid family. last kid. neglected, phisically abused(bitten by uncompassionate and irritative mom) parents alaways fighting..
my two siblings both older then me - top .. super prodigy kiddo focus of all atteniton.. and my middle one.. walking sibling rivalry.. would hit me all the time, yell at me, tease me to tears all day long, scare me telling stories how I will lose mom and dad.. throwing my cat through the window and tormenting him otheriwse to make me cry..

yeah.. I did not have happy sibling memories.. was it my parent's fautl? disfunctional family? I don't know.. they did not know any better, did not know how, both parents haf orphant themselves.. don't blame them but
then again , I don't have much parenting tools, I am just trying to do best and that is why I follow natural parenting/attachment parenting as the best what I can give to my child knowing how difficult is to grow into a person without having a loving caring suportive prents and siblings to go with it..
I am afraid to put one to the equasion to break it all as I might not manage the balance. I need it desperately too.

I am not sure if t all made sens but I thank you for letting me write it.

hugs


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## majikfaerie




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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
Hi again. I was wondering if any of you have sought out other families with onlies to hang out with. I'm in a mini-playgroup with two friends who each have kids my dd's age, but they both also have babiesclose in age-- I have to admit that I'm afraid of feeling a little left out. Not like that's a reason to have another, but just that I feel like there are so many things that they can share with eachother that I don't really get, since I only have one. I also wonder if, down the line, my family might end up being left aside a bit since they each will have kids to entertain and play with both of theirs, while hanging with us may leave their youngest bored. Does that make any sense? I certainly enjoy spending times with all sorts of people, but sometimes I think it might be nice for the whole family, especially dd, to grow up with another only family.

We actually know a few other families with onlies (including my sister, who has an only dd less than a year apart in age from my dd). A family we're friendly with at the local park. Friends of ours from our childbirth class. Dd's buddy from school has a sister 5 years older than he is, and that makes for a nice play experience--somehow it's different when the child your age has older rather than younger siblings. Dd loves playing with both of them, and the older dd is wonderful about being the "leader."

I think onlies are fairly common in our demographic (urban, professional, graduate education).

As for your second question: I don't think your family's littles will be bored hanging around with older sibling and your dc. IME, as the youngest of five kids, it was always fun hanging out with older kids.


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## Isamama

Another Mama to an only.


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## SweetPotato

Wow-- nothing like a really serious pregnancy scare to help erase any doubts in my mind about our family being really perfect just as it is! I feel like I've been waffling for ages, but the last several days have been SO stressful. My dd has turned 3 and is still nursing way more than I have patience for, still waking at least 2x per night, going back and forth about potty, going through a major burst of simultaneous clinginess and fierce independence-- the thought of going straight to another baby just made me want to cry. Dh and I are finally, slowly, getting a bit more of "us" back. I'm finally starting to think about a babysitter (we've moved away from family). I love that I can stay home with dd, but I miss work a LOT- and I've been getting really excited about trying to find a way to teach one course at a time or at least start volunteering in my field. Babies are cute and sweet and wonderful- but I finally realize that I am so happy to be moving on. I'm so excited about watching dd turn into a kid who can play games and enjoy longer stories and going for real hikes and camping and canoeing.... the list goes on and on. Yay for getting my period!! Hooray! Birth control, here I come!!


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## netgyks

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
Wow-- nothing like a really serious pregnancy scare to help erase any doubts in my mind about our family being really perfect just as it is! <snip> Yay for getting my period!! Hooray! Birth control, here I come!!


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## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
Wow-- nothing like a really serious pregnancy scare to help erase any doubts in my mind about our family being really perfect just as it is! . . . I'm so excited about watching dd turn into a kid who can play games and enjoy longer stories and going for real hikes and camping and canoeing.... the list goes on and on. Yay for getting my period!! Hooray! Birth control, here I come!!

Hey, SweetPotato! Are you me, because the last month has mapped out quite similarly for me. Ha ha.


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## majikfaerie

sweet potato, that was me 2 months ago








I usually say; if you're not sure you want more kids or not, then see how you feel with a good pg scare. therein lies the answer


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## boatbaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
sweet potato, that was me 2 months ago








I usually say; if you're not sure you want more kids or not, then see how you feel with a good pg scare. therein lies the answer









I second that emotion









I had some friends pestering me last night when I said we wanted another dog (ours died recently) and they said what I REALLY wanted was another kid. Oh, well thank you for telling ME what I want. That's oh so helpful.









I try nicely to tell them that they are not great advertisements for the multiple child lifestyle







With one or two exceptions most of my friends with 2-3-4 kids are constantly tired/ overwhelmed/ exasperated with their kids/ yelling/ wishing they had the time or $ to do things they can't/ etc etc. Nothing about that appeals to me. I LOVE the relationship I have with DS and we feel absolutely complete.


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## majikfaerie

oh, yeah. wanting a dog is really akin to wanting a child.


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## SweetPotato

Have any of you read the book Practically Perfect in Every Way? I don't remember how to spell the author's last name-- she's a co-editor of the magazine Brain, Child. Anway, I really enjoyed the book-- in no small part because it showed a happy, normal, low-key, satisfied family of three







I hadn't even realized that so many of the things I've read about onlies are focusing on the "onliness"-- but she never even commented on her family size throughout the whole book-- it just struck me and really made me happy.

I feel like I'm finally making it over a hurdle of expectations. I would always see larger families and feel like I should want that- but I know that we would all be unhappy (maybe not miserable, I know we could "make it work" but I want better than that for all of us!) It feels nice to kind of let myself off the hook-- realizing that, by recognizing and honoring our family's unique tolerances and needs, I'm not somehow failing as a mother, but really just being honest and thus succeeding as a mother, as a wife, and as my own person.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
I feel like I'm finally making it over a hurdle of expectations. I would always see larger families and feel like I should want that- but I know that we would all be unhappy (maybe not miserable, I know we could "make it work" but I want better than that for all of us!) It feels nice to kind of let myself off the hook-- realizing that, by recognizing and honoring our family's unique tolerances and needs, I'm not somehow failing as a mother, but really just being honest and thus succeeding as a mother, as a wife, and as my own person.

I am not sure why some people would see it as a failure to accept your limitatons. I see it as a very respectable thing to do.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellaClaudia*
I fell depressed sometime watching those 8 -16 kid families on tv seeing how they just surf through the day jump jump jump.

I just think they are insane. I watch those shows with my jaw on the floor and think of sending flowers to the urologist who did my husband's vasectomy.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 

I just think they are insane. I watch those shows with my jaw on the floor and think of sending flowers to the urologist who did my husband's vasectomy.









:


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## Sonnenwende

I get stressed out and tired just watching them. If it works for them, great, but excuse me while I silently celebrate the fact that I am not them.







:

As for the pregnacy scare mentioned earlier in the thread, I totally understand that. My husband and I have major plans for the three of us that are expensive and time consuming. I seriously doubt they would happen with the addition of another infant. I am also getting so comfortable with my almost 3 year old, there is just no way I want to go back in time to the infant stage.


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## Pookietooth

I think we each have to decide for ourselves how many children to have. It is a touchy issue, but when it comes down to it, as the parents, we know how many we can handle.


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## LuxPerpetua

How would you handle this situation?

I have an aquaintance (she's actually the wife of a friend of my husband's, but I don't really like her). She and her dh have 4 kids with 1 on the way. It's part of her religion to have huge families so she feels that anyone who doesn't want one must be somehow "less than." It's hard to explain but when we're around them she always makes comments upon how easy it is to have that many kids and how she would love to have oodles more--knowing full well that dh and I are stopping at one because our one is more work than the 4 she's got already (at least from our perspective). She's always talking about how wonderful big families are and just sneaking in comments here and there that make me feel like I'm somehow less of a mother because I only parent one child.

I just get thrown for a loop. I love my life, I love my daughter. I do not want more. I don't care if someone chooses to have a dozen kids but I know my limitations and I don't like feeling like a failure as a mother because of this. Have you ever encountered anything like this? How do you handle it?

Besides the book, "Maybe One," do you know of any other books out there on handling life as a parent of one?


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
I think we each have to decide for ourselves how many children to have. It is a touchy issue, but when it comes down to it, as the parents, we know how many we can handle.









:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua* 
How would you handle this situation?

I have an aquaintance (she's actually the wife of a friend of my husband's, but I don't really like her). She and her dh have 4 kids with 1 on the way. It's part of her religion to have huge families so she feels that anyone who doesn't want one must be somehow "less than." It's hard to explain but when we're around them she always makes comments upon how easy it is to have that many kids and how she would love to have oodles more--knowing full well that dh and I are stopping at one because our one is more work than the 4 she's got already (at least from our perspective). She's always talking about how wonderful big families are and just sneaking in comments here and there that make me feel like I'm somehow less of a mother because I only parent one child.

I just get thrown for a loop. I love my life, I love my daughter. I do not want more. I don't care if someone chooses to have a dozen kids but I know my limitions and I don't like feeling like a failure as a mother because of this. Have you ever encountered anything like this? How do you handle it?

Besides the book, "Maybe One," do you know of any other books out there on handling life as a parent of one?









that sucks.
but keep in mind that she's probably trying to reassure herself that *she* is making the right choice. don't let anyone fool you. having 4.5 kids is not easy for anyone. I'm not saying its overly difficult or impossible or anything like it, but I would be deeply surprised if anyone truly finds having four children and being pg as really easy.
take it all with a grain of salt, and keep in mind that what's workable for one person isn't workable for another. I can cook an entire dinner from scratch, for 1000 people, on a campfire without electricity or running water, with only stoned volunteer hippies for kitchen hands, and make it look easy. most people couldn't even dream of doing that. for me it's easy, but that's not a judgement on other people who can't even make eggs for two.
unless of course I do find it really difficult, and then I go around saying how easy it is to people who are "too lazy" to come and help in the kitchen


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## SpiderMum

I NEVER ever ever EVER want to be pregnant again! It was so hard on me! I was miserable the entire time...and then I do not like newborns at all. I really don't want to go through this again. At this point I'm happy with just the one...but everyone keeps telling me how I HAVE to have another one so DD can have playmates.







We'll see....though someone pointed out to me that even if I wait 10 years to have another, I'll still only be 33.


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## majikfaerie

spidermum


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SpiderMum* 
I NEVER ever ever EVER want to be pregnant again! It was so hard on me! I was miserable the entire time...and then I do not like newborns at all. I really don't want to go through this again. At this point I'm happy with just the one...but everyone keeps telling me how I HAVE to have another one so DD can have playmates.







We'll see....though someone pointed out to me that even if I wait 10 years to have another, I'll still only be 33.

Infants aren't really my thing either, so I understand. It gets easier as they get older, but baby bootcamp is killer.


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## LuxPerpetua

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SpiderMum* 
I NEVER ever ever EVER want to be pregnant again! It was so hard on me! I was miserable the entire time...and then I do not like newborns at all. I really don't want to go through this again. At this point I'm happy with just the one...but everyone keeps telling me how I HAVE to have another one so DD can have playmates.







We'll see....though someone pointed out to me that even if I wait 10 years to have another, I'll still only be 33.

I think the playmate thing is highly overrated and you never know if it will work out. My aunt had 2 daughters close together and they fought all day long and still do (one is in college, the other finishing high school). The older one ended up having a really hard time when her sister was born and their personalities just clashed. I am an only child myself and I think there are so many benefits to it, one of which is lots of one-on-one time with your parents. And I agree, I hated the whole baby phase, especially the newborn phase. But my dd was over the moon high needs, so that colors my experience a bit.


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## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua* 
How would you handle this situation?

I have an aquaintance (she's actually the wife of a friend of my husband's, but I don't really like her). She and her dh have 4 kids with 1 on the way. It's part of her religion to have huge families so she feels that anyone who doesn't want one must be somehow "less than." It's hard to explain but when we're around them she always makes comments upon how easy it is to have that many kids and how she would love to have oodles more--knowing full well that dh and I are stopping at one because our one is more work than the 4 she's got already (at least from our perspective). She's always talking about how wonderful big families are and just sneaking in comments here and there that make me feel like I'm somehow less of a mother because I only parent one child.

I just get thrown for a loop. I love my life, I love my daughter. I do not want more. I don't care if someone chooses to have a dozen kids but I know my limitations and I don't like feeling like a failure as a mother because of this. Have you ever encountered anything like this? How do you handle it?

Besides the book, "Maybe One," do you know of any other books out there on handling life as a parent of one?

I would flat out tell her that you are glad for her happiness with her family size and hope she will continue being blessed if that is what she wants. I would tell her that sometimes her comments feel like put downs and you don't make comments on how much better a small family is and happy families come in all sizes and shapes. If she doesn't respect that then I would stop chatting with her.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua* 
I think the playmate thing is highly overrated and you never know if it will work out. My aunt had 2 daughters close together and they fought all day long and still do (one is in college, the other finishing high school). The older one ended up having a really hard time when her sister was born and their personalities just clashed.

That is my sister and I. We fought all the time as children and in adulthood, we can only take each other in superficial, rationed amounts (like on a weekend visit). Any more than that the differences become the 800lb gorilla in the room. We were two years and two months apart.

My daughter has all the playmates she needs at daycare. I am not planning on homeschooling, so there will be school. Then there will be neighborhood kids and Girl Scouts. Plenty of opportunity for socialization and fun with other kids.


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## lavieenrose




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## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua* 
I just get thrown for a loop. I love my life, I love my daughter. I do not want more. I don't care if someone chooses to have a dozen kids but I know my limitations and I don't like feeling like a failure as a mother because of this. Have you ever encountered anything like this? How do you handle it?

I've encountered it alright... from my mother!







I'm one of 7 and my mother is VERY confused about our choice. Honestly, it's my belief that if someone is authentically secure in who they are, and about their choices, they do not feel a need to push those choices onto others. If she's making innuendo about her life being superior to yours, then you can be assured of the fact that by doing this she fully admits that perhaps she is NOT so secure in her choices. It's only a theory, but I imagine it's because her choices are not her own (you stated the large family due to religious tradition). I don't doubt that she loves her children and her life very much, but she may be stinging from the fact that the choice you've made for your family came from your own needs and considerations, and that of your DH, rather than from religious norm as it were.

With that, it doesn't matter much what she says because it's more a reflection of what is going on for her. Truly, it has nothing to do with you aside from the fact that in you, she is reminded of what it means to make your own choices. You, OTOH, being secure in your decision, clearly do not need to justify and talk up your life decisions because your choices are your own and therefore you feel secure in them. And well, because you clearly are in tune with the fact that it's just plain bad manners to expect others to live according to your standards.







Sheesh, it's hard enough living up to our own, much less anyone elses, no? *sigh*

So mama, try not to let this person get to you.







Be as polite as you can, but also remember that your quiet confidence in your own decisions speaks volumes.

The best (and hang in there),
Em


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## ldmommy

I actually posted about my issues with the only child issues other people seem to have. I am mommy to my sweet little girl 2 1/2 years old. We aren't having anymore either. I agree it's hard sometimes being on the same page with other moms who have more than one. Mostly I just get tired of being asked when we are going to have another one. Also I'm sick of the misconception everyone seems to have that my dd will grow up to be some socially awkward misfit cause she didn't have siblings growing up.


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## LuxPerpetua

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Embee* 
I've encountered it alright... from my mother!







I'm one of 7 and my mother is VERY confused about our choice. Honestly, it's my belief that if someone is authentically secure in who they are, and about their choices, they do not feel a need to push those choices onto others. If she's making innuendo about her life being superior to yours, then you can be assured of the fact that by doing this she fully admits that perhaps she is NOT so secure in her choices. It's only a theory, but I imagine it's because her choices are not her own (you stated the large family due to religious tradition). I don't doubt that she loves her children and her life very much, but she may be stinging from the fact that the choice you've made for your family came from your own needs and considerations, and that of your DH, rather than from religious norm as it were.

With that, it doesn't matter much what she says because it's more a reflection of what is going on for her. Truly, it has nothing to do with you aside from the fact that in you, she is reminded of what it means to make your own choices. You, OTOH, being secure in your decision, clearly do not need to justify and talk up your life decisions because your choices are your own and therefore you feel secure in them. And well, because you clearly are in tune with the fact that it's just plain bad manners to expect others to live according to your standards.







Sheesh, it's hard enough living up to our own, much less anyone elses, no? *sigh*

So mama, try not to let this person get to you.







Be as polite as you can, but also remember that your quiet confidence in your own decisions speaks volumes.

The best (and hang in there),
Em

Thank you so much, Em. I have been digesting your words and I think you hit the nail on the head. It really helps me view the situation from a position of compassion rather than defensiveness when I see it in this light. I needed that!


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## Juliacat

I had the baby fever pretty bad a few months back, but it's abated. We like living in a small house (not THIS small, mind you, but moving to a larger two-bedroom would not break the bank), we like driving a small car, I plan to send dd to a small private liberal arts college







and so, overall, I think a small family suits us best. She has cousins and friends, so it's not like she's alone all the time.


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## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua* 
Thank you so much, Em. I have been digesting your words and I think you hit the nail on the head. It really helps me view the situation from a position of compassion rather than defensiveness when I see it in this light. I needed that!









You are MOST welcome. I was brought up in large, traditional Catholic family. I think my mother's upset comes also from the fact that I am no longer a practicing Catholic. My mother is lovely, and I love her very much, but when I look at her life, it's easy to see that none of her big, important life choices came from within, but from what was expected of her. I can see how that has eroded her appreciation for those who would make decisions based up their own personal make up and needs. *sigh*

The best to you,
Em


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## Embee

I just realized I haven't "officially" chimed in here...









We're "only" by choice, my DS will be 8 in a few days.









I have to say that of ALL of our uncommon choices in parenting (co-sleeping, CLW, unschooling, etc.,), DH and I have received the *MOST* grief and critisizm about having an only child. It has settled down in the last couple of years I believe because people have realized that it's not going to change. "Quiet confidence speaks volumes."









I've haven't been particularly pressured by these statements, however I admit, I've been hurt by them, others trying to impose what they believe to be "right" onto me, as if there is only one right way to be a family. I have a very wise friend however who said to me a number of years ago: "If you make your decisions based upon what others want for you, you are living their life, not yours." It was helpful to me at the time, and has also been immeasurably important to me as a parent... in the way that I see DS, allowing him to be who HE is, rather than who I want him to be.

As for being a family of three, we couldn't be happier. We're in tune, cozy and content. I think sometimes people are surprised at how we feel like a "real family." This past Christmas, the weather was such that travel was not possible, and we canceled the big family gatherings and stayed home. I have a hard time convincing people that this was something we weren't all that upset about. They assume that we'll be lonely or DS won't feel like it's really Christmas. What it was, was lovely. It was a quiet, loving, peaceful day, enjoyed by all... three. We love spending time with the big family as well and we'll look forward to it next year, but we also weren't particularly disappointed about staying home either. In fact, if inclement weather should arrive in time for the holidays next year, all the better!









The best to all,
Em


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## JaniceT

Hi there --

We always knew we would only have one child -- quite frankly, our marriage is not all that strong, and even though I think we are very good parents to dd, we would be absolutely lousy parents for more than one child. I had her when I was 38, and now I'm 45, so I'm pretty much past the decision-making time, anyway -- even though I did have that urge to have another one about 3-4 years ago.

What I'm wondering from all of you, though, is whether you are experiencing with your "onlies" what we are, and if so, how do you deal with it. She seems to need our constant attention when she's not in school or in other activities, even at 7 years old -- there is very little "parallel processing" going on in our house -- that is, my doing something like cooking, reading, knitting, doing chores, working on the computer, while she's doing something on her own. We always have to be doing something together. The only exception is when she is watching TV or playing with different fonts on my computer -- two activities I'd really rather limit, but sometimes they are lifesavers.

I grew up with four sisters, we were all pretty close in age, and our family had very little money, so I remember hanging with my sisters for hours and days on end while my mother worked on chores on her own. We'd be outside whenever we could, and I remember full days when we would just disappear into the woods out back, making forts, playing tag, sledding, etc. -- and all while we were all pretty young.

So now I'm thinking that this need for playing or doing with dh or myself at all times is a by-product of the fact that she is an only child. Some days I would just love to have another child so that the two of them could be companions to each other. It would certainly be easier on me! Not that I would ever have another child just for that reason....

Do other people experience this? And if so, what do you do about it?

Any guidance would be much appreciated! I expected to be "all hands on deck" for the first five years of dd's life, but didn't expect to have to be the sole entertainment when she is in first grade. I do arrange play dates, and she has activities -- ballet, piano lessons, after care at school, etc. -- I'd really rather not fill up her days with more, especially since both dh and I work full-time and it would be impossible anyway. I just wish I could help her entertain herself more....

Cheers --

Janice T.


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## Embee

I can't speak for everyone but IMO, and IME, this has more to do with temperment/personality.

My DS (just turned 8), *CAN* be like this. He goes through periods when he clearly needs a lot more physical closeness, connection and interaction. Then, he also goes through periods where he is happy entertaining himself for stretches of time throughout the day, and our life together has a little more "balance" shall we say?









We unschool, I'm a SAHM, and DS works from home so we're home together _a lot._ DS has his interests and his friends. We DO spend a lot of time connecting and playing together because we're huge fans of "playful parenting" (the book and the lifestyle), but we also enjoy time "parrallel processing" as you put it. In the evenings, it's not uncommon for DH to be playing guitar or working on the computer, me to be reading and DS to be drawing at the kitchen table. We're all within 6 or 7 feet of each other, but doing our own thing (and usually carrying on some conversation together whilst doing that!).









I have had experience with kids who need constant attention and interaction. ALL of these kids have siblings. Of those, it tends to be the "older" of the siblings, but that could just be coincidence. Also, it's probably just due to the fact that we know very few people like us, who have an only, so the "siblinged" are my only other kids on which to judge this kind of behavior.







So again, I believe temperment and personality might have more to do with this than anything and IMO, although it might make you crazy and this is certainly valid on your part, I wouldn't so much worry about it on her behalf. All that close time is bound to pay off in the way of attachment and if attachment is the key to genuine maturity (according to "Hold On To Your Kids" author, Gordon Neufeld), and independence is a product of maturity, then you may just be doing quite well toward that end.









Just my .02 for whatever that's worth.









The best,
Em


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## mother_sunshine

I agree that it's a personality thing rather than an only thing. As a child I had a sibling but I usually chose to be alone and do my own thing and that's pretty much how I still am.

Dd, on the other hand, sounds a lot like your dd Janice. Since the day she was born she has always wanted to be with people.

What I would suggest is to give her opportunities to find things that she enjoys doing on her own. Find her strengths and then let her take off with them. Having "centers" helped a LOT from age 2 til 10 or so...actually she still uses her art center. I had one for each: art, science, doll, puppet, blocks, dress up (your old clothes and shoes, boas, beads, playsilks, scarves)...all things to serve different needs and possible strengths or interests at that time.

For example, if she is creative set up a "center" with plenty of white paper, construction paper, paints, paint brushes, playdoh, clay, modeling beeswax, glitter, glue, tissue paper, washable markers, colored pencils, glitter pens, chalk, crayons, craypas (oil pastels for kids), stencils, stickers, shaped sponges with finger paints. fyi, to save money, it was amazing how much I could find at garage sales. Dd has always loved being creative, so it helped tremendously at that age to have her own supplies and space to create on her own without restraints or limits (where she can be messy, do it on her own without assistance, etc.).

Sorry I have to go, but I hope that sparks some ideas to get her playing on her own a bit. If she finds something that she enjoys, and that she's good at, then she will most likely enjoy concentrating on them on her own without always needing you there to do it with her. Plus you'll be helping her find ways to build on self-gratification.

Dd still loves having people around her but she can go for hours on her own with a drawing pad and charcoal pencil. My only job is to make sure she has the tools and supplies to do so. Having an art center provided the base she needed to get where she is now. All she needed was my recognition of her strengths.







:

Good luck and have fun!!


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## JaniceT

Thanks so much for the feedback! It's interesting; I've been so focused on my belief that dd's behavior is due to the fact that she is an "only," I hadn't even given any thought at all to the idea that it might just be her personality. So you definitely gave me something to think about!

Coincidentally, tonight I had a wonderful experience with her -- I told her that I was going to cook dinner, and that I wanted her to first practice her piano, and then suggested that she do some reading on her own. She went along with both suggestions quite happily, I was pleased to see. An a-ha moment: perhaps she needs specific direction on how she might entertain herself. It was so, so nice to be together but doing our own things. I told her so when we were in bed together later on, as she was going to sleep. I even quoted her some Rainer Maria Rilke:

"Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky."

Of course she probably didn't fully comprehend it, but it was a nice moment. As I held her hand and she fell asleep, I was struck with by the fact that these precious moments won't last forever, that one day, when she's a sullen teenager behind closed bedroom doors, I will be missing these years when she actually does want to be with me every moment.









Thanks again for the feedback -- I so much appreciate it --

Janice T.


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## OakBerry

Hi!
I have an only ds, 6 years old.

But it's not by choice, it's by circumstance. I really wanted more, and I feel a bit sad and bitter that my ds is an only. I have lymphoma and was dx when ds was a year old. Now I have no chance of having any more biological children. Right now my health is not stable enough to consider adoption. And I know for a fact that I couldn't handle another child right now anyway, I guess I'm just venting a bit.

My ds is very needy and is much happier with other kids around.
I am his source of entertainment unless I arrange activities or playdates.

I guess I also feel that because of my illness and treatment, hanging with me isn't much fun lately. Poor kid!

I also come from a big family, and we are lucky that ds has a cousin his age on each side of the family to hang out with. That makes it a bit easier to bear at family functions.

And yes, the questions "when are you having another" hurt! And even people who know about my health issues ask this. Can you say clueless?


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## DesertMommy

How have I missed this tribe for so long? Because I hang out mostly in Unschooling and Traditional Foods!









My son is 7, an only. I have a few of the same issues concerning my son's nature like the poster above me (son is high energy, likes lots of other kids around, I'm major source of entertainment) but its still loads easier than feeding, bathing, loving, kissing boo-boos, driving around etc. multiples. I don't have that in me right now.

I was also an only and loved it!







:

Only difference between me and most the tribe members here is that some day I MIGHT have one more. But no time soon, and I'm so good if it doesn't happen at all.


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## Red Cape

Have had opportunity to have more and just couldn't imagine it.


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## Red Cape

Hugs to you. I know the disappointment you feel OakBerry.


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## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JaniceT* 
"Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky."

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JaniceT*
Of course she probably didn't fully comprehend it, but it was a nice moment. As I held her hand and she fell asleep, I was struck with by the fact that these precious moments won't last forever, that one day, when she's a sullen teenager behind closed bedroom doors, I will be missing these years when she actually does want to be with me every moment.

I keep this in mind also, especially when DS is in a high maintenance mode. It helps me a lot, actually. Nice to hear about your evening and how well it went. And there again, we see the differences in personality. My DS is RARELY open to suggestion from me as to how to spend his time. Luckily, he is rarely at a loss for what to do, so I needn't have input there too often.







It sounds like you found some nice balance this evening, and perhaps the key in making a bit of a change.







For DS, he's usually good at doing his own thing, so long as we're close by. He's still not all that comfortable being up in his room by himself for long periods, and particular at night. However, nighttime seems to be a typical time for him to do his own thing comfortably and have a good progression of thought to activity, just so long as DH and I are nearby.

This has got me to thinking about the vast difference of my childhood to DS's. I was one of 7. I liked my sibs and spent time with them, but oh, how I relished (and still do!) my alone time. My brothers and sisters are the very same way... save for one, who has always liked the company of others pretty much constantly (the oldest it happens to be). Hm, there's that oldest thing again... ???

The best,
Em


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## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OakBerry* 
Hi!
I have an only ds, 6 years old.

But it's not by choice, it's by circumstance. I really wanted more, and I feel a bit sad and bitter that my ds is an only. I have lymphoma and was dx when ds was a year old. Now I have no chance of having any more biological children. Right now my health is not stable enough to consider adoption. And I know for a fact that I couldn't handle another child right now anyway, I guess I'm just venting a bit.

My ds is very needy and is much happier with other kids around.
I am his source of entertainment unless I arrange activities or playdates.

I guess I also feel that because of my illness and treatment, hanging with me isn't much fun lately. Poor kid!

I also come from a big family, and we are lucky that ds has a cousin his age on each side of the family to hang out with. That makes it a bit easier to bear at family functions.

And yes, the questions "when are you having another" hurt! And even people who know about my health issues ask this. Can you say clueless?

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through/are going through, mama. This sounds VERY hard. I'm glad you came in here and joined us.









The best to you,
Em


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OakBerry*
And yes, the questions "when are you having another" hurt! And even people who know about my health issues ask this. Can you say clueless?

Wow. Completely insensitive. I am so sorry you are going through this.









In this economy, I am glad I only have my daughter. I don't know what I would do with more mouths to house and feed. Who knows when things will get better.









I bought the three of us plane tickets to visit Seattle in May for a few days. My husband and I have always wanted to go and fares are low enough for the non-hub city we have to fly out of. Heh, we are still in Germany for the next week from our winter vacation trip and already have booked the next one. We love travel. I doubt I could really afford to travel if I had more than her. Having only one allows us to have a two bedroom apartment instead of a three, lower grocery bill, etc. The lower needs budget allows us to save money for travel and emergencies. Ah, I just love having one.







:


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## PPK

Mama of an 18mo. ds here with no plans for more (well, dh already had a vas, so its looking pretty darn certain







).

I had a few moments lately of wondering if stopping at one was the right choice and part of me got reminiscent of pregnancy and the first few days after birth, but when I really think about it, I know I really didn't like pregnancy or labor all that much







...eh, I think my hormones are just wacky.

Anyways, I love just having DS and getting to spend all of our attention on him. Also, besides not feeling a desire for anymore, we just don't have the time, money, or energy to put forth that another child would entail. I love getting some alone time with dh now that ds is *finally* sttn. Sleep is also a huge deal for me, ds was a horrible sleeper till well over a year..I was really losing it and there's no way I'd want to go through that again!! Also, I wanted a child for years, but DH was uncertain about just one, (even though now ds is the light of his life), so this was a huge stretch for him. Besides, for us we just know its the right size for our family, we feel our fam is complete.

I was getting worried the past few days after talking with a co-worker (who's difficult to get along with). She told me she was an only and hated it, so is her teenage daughter who also says she hates it. She told me I *have* to have another baby to keep ds company. Ugh, it got me frustrated.

I'm glad to read this thread and to hear from moms who are onlies themselves to reassure myself that ds will be ok with just us. He's very outgoing, but I get him out and playing with friends usually 5-6 times a week.


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## AfricanQueen99

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OakBerry* 
Hi!
And yes, the questions "when are you having another" hurt! And even people who know about my health issues ask this. Can you say clueless?

*hugs*

You know, when family members asked me that I would respond with a straightforward "let me deal with the cancer first." It was my passive aggressive way of saying STFU.

I've been there. I know it hurts.


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## Pookietooth

Oakberry,







to you. It's hard to hear that question isn't it? Are people that clueless? I am so sorry to hear of your illness.
My ds is similarly high needs, and it really helps when we have regular playdates with other kids.


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## kolleen9

Mom of a VERY social only here and its been a big challenge over the years in that aspect. Although friends of mine with 2 kids would talk about how their kids fight all the time, they definitely did not see how that is part of growing up and onlys will sometimes choose to fight with their parents because there is no one else around. *sigh*

Kolleen


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## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PPK* 
I was getting worried the past few days after talking with a co-worker (who's difficult to get along with). She told me she was an only and hated it, so is her teenage daughter who also says she hates it. She told me I *have* to have another baby to keep ds company. Ugh, it got me frustrated.

These kinds of statements frustrate me as well. I know PLENTY of people who had unhappy childhoods, and they come from families of all sizes. This is so much more to do with family dynamics/personality/grass is greener than the number of children in a family. All families have their challenges and how a parent addresses those is important. In a family with more than one child, the challenge is to be there for each of one's children, whatever the need. Just from reading the boards here, it's easy to see that this is a very big challenge for many parents (and I experienced this as one child among 7). For onlies: I can't speak for everyone, but DH and I's challenge is not to micromanage DS. Two adults/one child can often have the dynamic of "ganging up" on a child and DH and I have to remind ourselves that we weren't so closely monitored as children and that it was probably (for the most part) a good thing. (Well save for the time DH was blowing up army men in the backyard, and I almost lit the house on fire.







) In that, I make sure to look away once and awhile and let DS get away with something, just for the heck of it. So long as it's not life threatening.









The best,
Em

P.S. DS is the most enthusiastic, busy, motivated, life loving person I know.


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## Bay Momma

I too, am an older parent of an only. We like to say that God had a sense of humor when I got pregnant at 40! While I agree that personality probably does have a lot to do with how well a child stays well alone, I also believe that being an only has even more to do with it. We too, were pressured by folks to quickly have another baby so that our son would have a playmate in later years. We too, didn't feel that was a reason to test fate. So here we are, 12 years later, and my son wants to be with me so much sometimes that I feel smothered!!!! We homeschool and live in a neighborhood where he's not afforded the same opportunities that you (and I) were when we were young......woods to play in and a plethora of neighborhood kids with which to safely hang. My son would gladly spend hours alone on the computer or on some Wii game...but we limit those activities. There are days when he will spend hours reading, playing LEGOS or another building activity, but then there are days when he's all over me. I feel like I can't even go to the bathroom without, "Mom", "Mom, watch this". "Mom". But then I feel guilty cause I feel like I'm just around the corner from those distant teen years and that I should bask in all this attention from him. My husband pointed out recently after a particularly difficult day with our ds that i am not only Mom, but teacher, best friend, worse enemy, coach...everything. So it's only natural for me to catch the brunt of all of our son's emotions. Good and bad. Last night, while sitting with my son while he tried to go to sleep, he told me he gets lonely. I felt so bad for him. But I shared with him how even though I had a sister growing up, I too felt lonely many times when she and I had the many arguments that siblings always have. I too, keep many places in our home set up so that he's always got a place to go to begin a project. Puzzles are a great time consumer for him. I'm also trying to get better at dispelling the myth about boys and housework and have him at my side teaching him how to keep house. He's learning how to many things that I don't suspect his peers are, all the while we're spending time together but I'm being allowed to get my stuff done. My biggest challenge is relaxing and letting go of my time frame. Of course everything takes longer since I have to not only teach him what I'm doing but also deal with his insessent talking and attempted side-tracks. I do believe strongly though, that all this time we're spending together will pay off in the those turbulant teen times ahead. Be patient with her and yourself.


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## majikfaerie

i've been wondering; to those who have onlies by choice, how actively are you tta, and what would you do in case of 'accidents'?
(i know that's a totally personal question; but it's something I've been thinking about for myself.)


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
i've been wondering; to those who have onlies by choice, how actively are you tta, and what would you do in case of 'accidents'?
(i know that's a totally personal question; but it's something I've been thinking about for myself.)

We are VERY actively tta, indeed. We use FAM: fertility awareness method, and are extremely vigilant and careful. We plan to continue this method for as long as it's comfortable to do so. So far it's been easy and very good for us however, peri-menopause is setting in for me and I'm closely monitoring how this might effect our current bc as it were.

If there were an accident, well then, we'd be having another child. I admit, it would DEFINITELY throw us both for a big ol' loop, however, I'm sure we'd find a way to be at peace with it. I myself was an accident afterall.









The best,
Em


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## widemouthedfrog

Oh oakberry, I relate. For me it is primarily that my dh is done and I am not sure that I am done. However, I have additional health issues that would make having another child quite challenging. I think that in my case, I would feel fine with adopting.

Interesting, though, most people assume that I can't have another due to my health. Maybe I somehow intimidate them into not questioning me? The few people who have asked have done so quite tentatively or else with a total lack of knowledge of any health issues.

The comment that irritates me the most is "oh, she will be so lonely then." Well heck, she might be lonely if things went awry and she ended up with a mama who was less healthy or not around, too. I dislike it when people assume that everyone is physically and emotionally able to create and parent upteen numbers of children. Sometimes, it's hard!

Hugs to you!

As for accidents, our marriage would be in trouble, I would be somewhat conflicted and concerned about the health of the child, and I would definitely have the baby.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
i've been wondering; to those who have onlies by choice, how actively are you tta, and what would you do in case of 'accidents'?
(i know that's a totally personal question; but it's something I've been thinking about for myself.)

My husband had a vasectomy. If it were to fail, we would keep the baby and both get sterilized.


----------



## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
My husband had a vasectomy. If it were to fail, we would keep the baby and both get sterilized.









:

Same here!


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## SweetPotato

We use condoms. If I accidentally got pg, we both know that we'd keep the baby (and probably get excited about it after I stopped puking in a few months-- we're adaptable like that) We'd definitely schedule dh's V that we've been putting off, since there's no way that we'd ever want to have more than two.

I'm feeling kind of lucky, after reading some of your posts, that we aren't getting hassled a lot more about not having more kids. Both sets of our parents would LOVE for us to have another, but they've been pretty good about not pushing it. My sib is the most outspoken about the woes of onlies, and observing that household with two kids only makes me more sure about our decision! I'm so sorry that folks don't realize how hurtful and demeaning their comments are-- like somehow they know what's best for our family even though they don't know diddly about our situations. I especially hate the implication that we're somehow choosing to deprive our child-- when, honestly, I feel that having more children in our household would do everyone a greater disservice.


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## Miss 1928

I'd like to introduce myself and tell you all a bit about my thought and concerns, but I'm too busy playing with Eloisa.


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## sapphos

finally I find this thread again! I couldn't find it anywhere even though I'm subscribed but then I got a post.

anyway, we're parents to an only. I was the baby by 9 years of five so it was like being an only. DH has one sibling. I'm 42, dh is 37. My parents have both passed on and my brothers are much older and only one has kids and one has already passed away. DH's brother has one child and parents aregetting older.

We plan to un or homeschool and work from home. DD just turned 2 and we're still nursing. I had her at 40 after fears I might not get pregnant because of a history of endometriosis and my age...gee three days after arriving in Argentina...

We are struggling with whether to have another or not. We are tight financially but I also worry what it might be like with aging parents as an only? I read someone's post about being able to travel easier with only one and we love to travel and actually had dd in Argentina. We want to live abroad again maybe back to DH's country France, who knows.

Is there anyone else struggling with this also?

What are your favorite reasons for having an only?

Thanks
Laura in Miami


----------



## PPK

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
i've been wondering; to those who have onlies by choice, how actively are you tta, and what would you do in case of 'accidents'?
(i know that's a totally personal question; but it's something I've been thinking about for myself.)

I tried to mention this to dh, but he doesn't want to think about the reality that some vasecotmies fail (even after testing fine). I would keep the child, but it'd be a huge stretch for him.
Oh, dh had a vas.


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## mckennasmomma

Hello all! I've been lurking for a while, and tried to read this whole thread which proved impossible!

Our daughter is just 4 months old but I'm 90% sure she will be our one and only. DH has always wanted only one, I was the one on the fence. I'm loving motherhood, and I really love my daughter so much, but for many of the reasons stated here I think this is it for me. I guess the bottom line on that decision for me is that for all the joy McKenna has brought to our lives, I think another child would ultimately take away rather than add to the joy.

In many ways it does make me sad. It is not an easy decision. But I really want to give McKenna all of me, not a divided me. And I really want to be able to do the things the I love to do, which seems possible in the near future when McKenna is just a little older...to think of starting over again with a newborn and having it be another couple years before I can regain my identity...

Anyway, thanks for having this thread. I will go check out the moms of onlies tribe that was linked above as well.


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## OakBerry

Thank you all for your kind responses, it really means so much!
It's hard to vent because most people don't understand.
Yeah, ds is happier when kids are around, but due to me having chemo, we have to be careful about germs and such, so that's been hard. When we are in "normal" operation mode, we do plenty of playdates to keep him happy!

Plus I feel a bit ungrateful, after all, I have a wonderful, healthy 6 year old guy, yk?

There are some advantages to an only for sure.
I can buy organic food, and better quality clothing/shoes than I could for multiple kids. And I have more "me" time.
Traveling too, is easier. We have to keep him entertained, but at least don't have to hear bickering in the back seat!

I also notice when I have more than one kid in the house, or in the car, the noise level is overwhelming? I wonder if it's just me.
We like our (relatively) quiet house!


----------



## Bluebird9

Hi everyone, I'm new to this thread. I've been randomly reading through old posts, but there are too many to read all of









I am close to giving birth to our DD, before she was even conceived (suprise!) we were discussing just having one child. DH has a daughter who is 18 from a previous marriage, and who is welcome and I think willing to play a big part in DD's life, but while she will be her sister, it's a totally different dynamic than having a sibling to grow up with. And of course, for me and DH it would be raising an only. While I know there are lots of things I'll love about the infant stage, I'm truly looking forward to when she starts to become more of a person, where we can talk and do activities, and I don't really like the idea of being distracted by another infant once she's reached that stage. Frankly-- the loss of personal freedom I and we are going to have over the next few years is kind of a big deal to me. I'm dealing with it, but I don't see doing it more than once, or extending it.

I'm an only also, I had some socialization issues, but honestly I think those came from my personality rather than just being an only. I'm not blaming my mother, but looking back I think it would have been helpful if while I was young she'd made more of an effort to, how to put it, socialize me. That said, everyone's got issues, and mine weren't that major, and I've largely dealt with them. There were a lot of advantages to being an only, for myself and my mother, and I never wished I had siblings as a kid. My best friend down the street had two sisters, two years older and younger than her, and man did I ever see the sibling rivalry/fighting/taking sides against each other play out.

Apparently my mother always wanted to have more kids, but never found a partner she wanted to be a parent with. She's already making mention of my having another one in a few years, and this one isn't even out of the oven!!







I've told her no, of course she has reason to doubt I suppose since I used to be vehemently decided against having any children. That changed when I met DH, who is an actual partner, and who I could imagine sharing the responsibilities/joys/trials with. He is also fairly certain about having just one child with me. I am, I'd say about 98.5% certain that DD will be an only.


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## Bluebird9

*Oakberry*-- I've noticed what you're talking about in terms of noise. In the past I babysat a a set of three children (11 yr old girl, 6 & 4 year old boys), they were wonderful kids, but it would get overwhelmingly loud at times, very naturally. Only children can get rambunctious, but it's much easier for them to calm down and have quiet time when there isn't another kid there for them to keep going with.
The two younger boy never seemed to get enough time to themselves, or one-on-one time with their parents, even though they were well loved and their parents do try. I think that's another reason I only want one, I want to make sure my dd gets enough time/attention, and that she doesn't have to compete for it. That family loves their children and I'm happy for them and their chouces, but I do realize that it caused the six year old who has some sensory integration issues some problems, especially with not getting enough alone time/time with parents alone. The younger of the two boys is of course hopelessly well adjusted, so of course it depends on the kids.


----------



## Pookietooth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PPK* 
I tried to mention this to dh, but he doesn't want to think about the reality that some vasecotmies fail (even after testing fine). I would keep the child (I had an abortion when I was young and it was very traumatic for me...can't do it again)...that decision would make or break my relationship with dh because he's adamant about never having 2.

Oh, dh had a vas.

So you're saying your dh would leave you if you got pregnant and didn't abort?


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## widemouthedfrog

Well, replying to your question but not the person who made the statement.
My dh wouldn't leave, but he would be deeply unhappy. And I would keep the baby. So I suspect it would be a gradual end for our relationship unless something changed. We're still working through the struggles that one has brought to our relationship. He finds very young children quite stressful, for many of the reasons above - they are loud, irrational, and not very predictable. That said, he loves dd very much, of course! Just finds this stage challenging.


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
The comment that irritates me the most is "oh, she will be so lonely then."

A few years ago, we were spending time with DH's Aunt and Uncle and telling them of our plans to homeschool, and that DS would be our only child. Their views on homeschooling were clear right off; they were not particularly supportive, but not unkind either. When we explained that DS would be an only however, DH's Aunt got fairly up in arms and made the comment, "sound like it's going to be a lonely life for him, then." What an assumption! I was furious. I don't doubt that DS has lonely moments in his life, but who hasn't? I grew up in a large family and I remember feeling quite profoundly lonely, and lost at times, often times in fact. I'm definitely one of those who feels lonely in a crowd and the most happy, relaxed (i.e., NOT lonely) among my small, cozy family of three.

As for DS, he's usually too busy to be lonely. He has several passionate interests and follows them diligently. He loves to be outside, among nature and has such a lovely progression of thought to activity, that he has muttered the words "I'm bored" but for one time in his entire life. He seems never at a loss for "what to do." He has a small handful of friends (some family friends, and some neighborhood) whom he sees regularly, but not frequently, and he seems quite comfortable with this. On average, he plays with friends a couple of times a week during the winter months, and then more often in the summer (3 to 4x). And when he does have some down time? I think it's a good thing. He's so busy all the time, I believe the down time gives him a golden opportunity to just look out the window and think. I strongly feel that I've had some of my most clear and profound thoughts about life when I've been lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling.

Ok, enough with the pontificating, already! I'm glad for this thread. I've said it before, of all out "uncommon" parenting decisions, this one seems to be the one we have to defend the most. It's nice to have a place to come for support... from those who understand.









The best,
Em


----------



## Bluebird9

*Embee* it sounds like your son is having a lot of great experiences, is getting plenty of social interaction, and is well suited to being home schooled as well as being an only. Sorry you had to deal with that from family.


----------



## Indigo73

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
i've been wondering; to those who have onlies by choice, how actively are you tta, and what would you do in case of 'accidents'?
(i know that's a totally personal question; but it's something I've been thinking about for myself.)

I had my tubes tied the day after DS was born. While we are parents of an only due to circumstances, we still made the choice to take more permanent measures. DP volunteered to be snipped but since it's me that doesn't want to pass on my genes, it made sense to be me.


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bluebird9* 
*Embee* it sounds like your son is having a lot of great experiences, is getting plenty of social interaction, and is well suited to being home schooled as well as being an only. Sorry you had to deal with that from family.

Thank you for this. Most of the family has come around on the homeschooling issue. Either that, or they just don't say anything.







I admit, I've avoided these particular people in the family over the last few years, and it's hard because DH and I love them very much, and previously had such a close bond with them. I was really taken aback by how judgmental she sounded, and have been made aware that she's taken these judgments to others in DH's family. *sigh* We're planning to make the 3 hour car trek to visit them this year, and I find myself thinking things like "oh, I hope DS is having a good day that day" and I hate it because that's a lot of pressure on him and me. It's just that I've become all too aware that when things don't go perfectly with children around family/friends, people are all too willing to blame your uncommon choices, rather than just see it for what it is, a child acting like a child... BUT, this is MY problem. What other people think of me is none of my business. I firmly believe that and yet, I still have to make a concerted effort to live my life by it!









On another note, the noise factor, I *HEAR* you. I've done some regular babysitting over the years, especially when DS was a tot and I truly enjoyed it (miss it at times even), but I was always happy to have the noise level back to "only status" once the child/children were on their way home.









The best, and thanks again,
Em


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## Tangled Hill

Hi all! One more mom of an only here.

Ds is ten (almost eleven!) years old. I do want to have more, but it just hasn't happened yet. It may never, and I think I'm okay with that, but we'd all (hubby and son included) love to welcome a little one into our home.


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Indigo73* 
I had my tubes tied the day after DS was born. While we are parents of an only due to circumstances, we still made the choice to take more permanent measures. DP volunteered to be snipped but since it's me that doesn't want to pass on my genes, it made sense to be me.

It sounds like you had to make a very difficult decision, mama.

The best to you.









Em


----------



## Indigo73

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Embee* 
It sounds like you had to make a very difficult decision, mama.

The best to you.









Em

Thank you, Em. We were extremely lucky. I didn't pass it on with a 50/50 chance. So it was a stressful pregnancy with genetic testing and lots of what if-ing. But DS doesn't even carry the hereditary gene for the cancer my mother, brother and I have all survived.


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Indigo73* 
Thank you, Em. We were extremely lucky. I didn't pass it on with a 50/50 chance. So it was a stressful pregnancy with genetic testing and lots of what if-ing. But DS doesn't even carry the hereditary gene for the cancer my mother, brother and I have all survived.

What an amazing story of courage, and with such a bright outcome (for you, your family and your son). Thank you for sharing this.










The best,
Em


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphos* 
What are your favorite reasons for having an only?

After reading this yesterday, I've been really thinking about it...

I think my favorite "perk" to having an only is the cozy environment that my family provides. I love that a day doesn't go by when we don't discuss something as a family that is non-family related (the election, the environment, how to go more organic without breaking the budget, evolution... ). We fall into deep discussion rather easily, and I do think this has something to do with the fact that DH and I are not pulled in more than one direction as parents. I like the quiet in the evening when we're all doing our own thing, a few feet apart. I like that we are quickly mobile if we want to be and take advantage of that whenever we like, or don't like. I like NOT breaking up sibling arguments... I come from a large family (7 kids), DH a medium sized one (3 kids). We both agree that our home life is much calmer and less volatile/competitive compared to the ones we grew up in, due in no small part to the 'lack of sibling' element.

Finally, I like that two adults to one child means that DH and I have ample opportunity to look at each other and talk to each other and awful lot (and most days like what we see and hear!







).

Just a few things I came up with after some deep thought!









The best,
Em


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## marimara

So far I've been a lurker here







but I have an only daughter. She's two years old. Well, 27 months. Anyways, I've had my share of remarks from my sister (who has 2 kids and whose house is sheer madness) who says my kid will be weird because she won't have siblings. Double that because we are going to homeschool her. Nevermind that I take my dd to playdates, music classes, playgroups, the park, storytime at the library, etc. all the time.
My 77 grandma asks when we're going to have another and I goodnaturedly change the subject (because she's my grandma and I love her).
I've also had the usual casual acquaintance ask when we're going to have another and I usually just say something like "Oh, she's plenty of a handful for us!" and that is usually enough. But today, no, no...today was different.

Today at playgroup I was sitting next to a woman about my age (late twenties, early thirties-I'm 31) with a young baby and a toddler, her toddler was playing with my girl. We started talking and she asked the dreaded question. So are you gonna have another? I replied, "No, we're done" chuckle, lightheartedly. She replied "Just her?" I replied, "Yeah, just her".

Just my poor little daughter. I guess one just isn't enough. That hurt my feelings. I mean, why isn't one enough? When I answered, yeah just her, she kind of stared at me, with the deer in the headlights look in her face, like she couldn't comprehend it. Then I felt obligated to come up with some up excuses as to why I didn't want to do it again (pregnancy, babyhood, etc.). After, we talked about our various health problems in pregnancy and babyhood I felt like I just lied to her, because really I did. Those weren't the reasons I didn't want another baby. But I couldn't tell her the real reasons I didn't want another baby because she was sitting there holding her real life, precious, second baby and I just couldn't do that. I couldn't tell that I didn't want another baby because I like a simple life and I don't want to stretch myself too thin.


----------



## SweetPotato

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
Today at playgroup I was sitting next to a woman about my age (late twenties, early thirties-I'm 31) with a young baby and a toddler, her toddler was playing with my girl. We started talking and she asked the dreaded question. So are you gonna have another? I replied, "No, we're done" chuckle, lightheartedly. She replied "Just her?" I replied, "Yeah, just her".

Just my poor little daughter. I guess one just isn't enough. That hurt my feelings. I mean, why isn't one enough?

I totally understand! I feel like there's something (perhaps unintentionally) demeaning implied with the word "just"-- like "Oh, your family cruised the French Riviera over the holidays? We just went to see the largest ball of rubberbands in Ohio." or "My 3yo likes to compose symphonies in her spare time-- oh, yours just likes to sit in the corner and pick his nose." I'm pretty sure that no husband would like to hear "I dated so-and-so for a year, but then I just married dh."


----------



## LuxPerpetua

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
So far I've been a lurker here







but I have an only daughter. She's two years old. Well, 27 months. Anyways, I've had my share of remarks from my sister (who has 2 kids and whose house is sheer madness) who says my kid will be weird because she won't have siblings. Double that because we are going to homeschool her. Nevermind that I take my dd to playdates, music classes, playgroups, the park, storytime at the library, etc. all the time.
My 77 grandma asks when we're going to have another and I goodnaturedly change the subject (because she's my grandma and I love her).
I've also had the usual casual acquaintance ask when we're going to have another and I usually just say something like "Oh, she's plenty of a handful for us!" and that is usually enough. But today, no, no...today was different.

Today at playgroup I was sitting next to a woman about my age (late twenties, early thirties-I'm 31) with a young baby and a toddler, her toddler was playing with my girl. We started talking and she asked the dreaded question. So are you gonna have another? I replied, "No, we're done" chuckle, lightheartedly. She replied "Just her?" I replied, "Yeah, just her".

Just my poor little daughter. I guess one just isn't enough. That hurt my feelings. I mean, why isn't one enough? When I answered, yeah just her, she kind of stared at me, with the deer in the headlights look in her face, like she couldn't comprehend it. Then I felt obligated to come up with some up excuses as to why I didn't want to do it again (pregnancy, babyhood, etc.). After, we talked about our various health problems in pregnancy and babyhood I felt like I just lied to her, because really I did. Those weren't the reasons I didn't want another baby. But I couldn't tell her the real reasons I didn't want another baby because she was sitting there holding her real life, precious, second baby and I just couldn't do that. I couldn't tell that I didn't want another baby because I like a simple life and I don't want to stretch myself too thin.

Oh, have I been there, too! One thing that has helped when I get put into those situations is just mentioning the positive reasons why you've chosen an only without the negatives (bad pregnancy, colicky baby, etc.). I also always try and make it sound like a personal decision rather than a universal ban on all-non-only families, kwim? So the conversation tends to go like, "Yes, she's our one and only." "Do you want more?" "Honestly, no we don't. We really love being able to give her our full attention and we feel that we already have our hands full enough. We also love lots of peace and quiet and realistically we just felt like we couldn't handle more. We are very happy with our lives the way they are--it just really clicks for us as a family." People, in my case at least, have usually responded well to that. I don't know why everyone has to be so judgmental about differing parenting decisions. I find it rather bizarre.


----------



## PPK

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
So you're saying your dh would leave you if you got pregnant and didn't abort?

I edited my post to sound a bit less harsh, but we did discuss it before marriage that one child would be it. I can't be mad or disrespect his stance on this, and at the same time I'm trying to figure out what I'd do in that situation too (I guess I'm not as clear as I thought I was regarding keeping it then). I honestly don't think I'd be a good mom to more than one for many reasons..I honestly don't want to go through sleepless years again either..I really don't think I could handle it. So, in this case, maybe bringing a child into a relationship that doesn't welcome it with open arms is such a good thing.

What's other people's feelings on this? I think for me to say my dh would be a jerk for not wanting another and being firm about that isn't exactly fair...he has every right to decide what's right for him in his life, yk? And we did discuss it pre-marriage. It makes it a tricky situation and I hope we'll never have to make these decisions.


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
Just my poor little daughter. I guess one just isn't enough. That hurt my feelings. I mean, why isn't one enough? When I answered, yeah just her, she kind of stared at me, with the deer in the headlights look in her face, like she couldn't comprehend it.

I've received rude/judgmental comments, but this is particularly galling. I'm so sorry this happened to you.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar*
Then I felt obligated to come up with some up excuses as to why I didn't want to do it again (pregnancy, babyhood, etc.). After, we talked about our various health problems in pregnancy and babyhood I felt like I just lied to her, because really I did. Those weren't the reasons I didn't want another baby.

I've had this happen to me as well. I was fertility challenged and my labor and birth were traumatic, but neither of these things would keep me from trying to have another if the urge ever hit. I've had people assume that these are my reasons, and I guess I like that it quiets the inquiries, but it's not exactly honest either. I totally hear ya, mama.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar*
But I couldn't tell her the real reasons I didn't want another baby because she was sitting there holding her real life, precious, second baby and I just couldn't do that. I couldn't tell that I didn't want another baby because I like a simple life and I don't want to stretch myself too thin.

Indeed, because you possess the grace and respect that she clearly lacks... at least in this case.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua*
Oh, have I been there, too! One thing that has helped when I get put into those situations is just mentioning the positive reasons why you've chosen an only without the negatives (bad pregnancy, colicky baby, etc.). I also always try and make it sound like a personal decision rather than a universal ban on all-non-only families, kwim? So the conversation tends to go like, "Yes, she's our one and only." "Do you want more?" "Honestly, no we don't. We really love being able to give her our full attention and we feel that we already have our hands full enough. We also love lots of peace and quiet and realistically we just felt like we couldn't handle more. We are very happy with our lives the way they are--it just really clicks for us as a family." People, in my case at least, have usually responded well to that. I don't know why everyone has to be so judgmental about differing parenting decisions. I find it rather bizarre.

I like this... think I might keep these words in mind!







I've said something similar, but you say it so well here, and with an air of quiet confidence that surely speaks volumes.

I also find it VERY strange how easy it is for some to pass along their opinions and judgments. I find this particularly off putting when among people you don't know well. It is just NOT in my nature to make negative comments about other people's life decisions, and I'm surprised by how often and how easily this trait comes to people.









The best,
Em


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PPK*
I honestly don't think I'd be a good mom to more than one for many reasons..I honestly don't want to go through sleepless years again either..I really don't think I could handle it. So, in this case, maybe bringing a child into a relationship that doesn't welcome it with open arms is such a good thing.

DS was planned and hard fought for and yet, having him really rocked DH and I's marriage. A marriage that up to that point, we considered happy and strong. Well, it stayed strong, we coped, and got to the other side, but there were some dark moments that today, we are still amazed about... for a while there, we couldn't even recognize our marriage. I feel what you're saying here, definitely. And for me, starting over, no matter how I would find peace with it, is still a very scary prospect. I think about the fact that I was an accident, as was my brother who is 5 1/2 years older and think my Mom was a stronger person than I to deal so gracefully with it all.

And to digress a bit...

I was thinking more about my reasons for having an only, and I realized that one very important factor for me, was that I just could never wrap my mind around how having another would change my relationship with DS.

When DS was a toddler (I had a slight pg scare when he was that age), I remember thinking I was going to short change him somehow if I had another. I think it was because at the time, many of my friends were making the leap from one to two and it just seemed so hard. Not ONE of them didn't have issues with their older children during this time. I specifically remember how much they talked about how they no longer felt the same about the older child, and how they each, seemingly overnight, expected so much more from them. One friend in particular who was really upset, told me that she just plain no longer enjoyed her DC1 at all. She couldn't stand herself for how she felt.







(All of these women are wonderful mothers, and were just having the usual transitions. No judgments were made by me, just observations of what the leap from one to two would mean.)

All of these women worked through this time, and have happy families BUT, at the time, I was looking at these older kids with loads of heartbreak, all the while treating my DS like he was still my babe because well, at 2, he still was. I am in awe of parents who are at ease with the idea of having more than one child. The idea just doesn't occur to me. DH and I were originally planning for two, but that was only because DH thought we should have two. Since I was a young woman, I have always pictured myself with one child only, but was open to having two. At any rate, I was pretty darned relieved when DH changed his mind. I believe it started to cement things when I finally became pregnant. We figured if we had to work that hard just to get pregnant, we'll be blessed to have this one, and call it good. After the hard, long labor (whilst DH stood sheet white in the corner of the room), and subsequent emergency c/s, the deal was all but sealed: DH says, "you know, you said one would be good. Consider me on board with that."









Funny, DH, at the end of the day, ended up being even more cheerleader for having one. He didn't have to convince me but, given my complete and total obsession for ttc for the one we've got, he was truly amazed when the baby bug never hit me again. I think DS was about 5 when he was finally convinced. I'd messed up on my chart and the chance was VERY remote for pregnancy, however, even a remote chance had me very uptight. DH said to me, "you really are sure, huh?" Oh yeah... I am. I haven't missed a day on the chart since!

Thanks for letting me talk a blue streak. I'm so glad for this thread being revived. I don't think I realized just how much I'd been thinking about all this lately. I think it may be my advancing age. Into my 40's now, I realize the time (at least for me) has truly passed. If there were an accident now, we'd find a way, but truly, it would be a scary, anxious ride.









Would love to hear your thoughts on this...

The best,
Em


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Embee* 
When DS was a toddler (I had a slight pg scare when he was that age), I remember thinking I was going to short change him somehow if I had another. I think it was because at the time, many of my friends were making the leap from one to two and it just seemed so hard. Not ONE of them didn't have issues with their older children during this time. I specifically remember how much they talked about how they no longer felt the same about the older child, and how they each, seemingly overnight, expected so much more from them. One friend in particular who was really upset, told me that she just plain no longer enjoyed her DC1 at all. She couldn't stand herself for how she felt.







(All of these women are wonderful mothers, and were just having the usual transitions. No judgments were made by me, just observations of what the leap from one to two would mean.)

All of these women worked through this time, and have happy families BUT, at the time, I was looking at these older kids with loads of heartbreak, all the while treating my DS like he was still my babe because well, at 2, he still was. I am in awe of parents who are at ease with the idea of having more than one child. The idea just doesn't occur to me.
<snip>
I'd messed up on my chart and the chance was VERY remote for pregnancy, however, even a remote chance had me very uptight. DH said to me, "you really are sure, huh?" Oh yeah... I am. I haven't missed a day on the chart since!

this is so me too.
if we had an accident, we'd probably find a way to make it work, and it would, but at this point, the thought terrifies me.


----------



## LuxPerpetua

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Embee* 
DS was planned and hard fought for and yet, having him really rocked DH and I's marriage. A marriage that up to that point, we considered happy and strong. Well, it stayed strong, we coped, and got to the other side, but there were some dark moments that today, we are still amazed about... for a while there, we couldn't even recognize our marriage. I feel what you're saying here, definitely. And for me, starting over, no matter how I would find peace with it, is still a very scary prospect. I think about the fact that I was an accident, as was my brother who is 5 1/2 years older and think my Mom was a stronger person than I to deal so gracefully with it all.

And to digress a bit...

I was thinking more about my reasons for having an only, and I realized that one very important factor for me, was that I just could never wrap my mind around how having another would change my relationship with DS.

When DS was a toddler (I had a slight pg scare when he was that age), I remember thinking I was going to short change him somehow if I had another. I think it was because at the time, many of my friends were making the leap from one to two and it just seemed so hard. Not ONE of them didn't have issues with their older children during this time. I specifically remember how much they talked about how they no longer felt the same about the older child, and how they each, seemingly overnight, expected so much more from them. One friend in particular who was really upset, told me that she just plain no longer enjoyed her DC1 at all. She couldn't stand herself for how she felt.







(All of these women are wonderful mothers, and were just having the usual transitions. No judgments were made by me, just observations of what the leap from one to two would mean.)

All of these women worked through this time, and have happy families BUT, at the time, I was looking at these older kids with loads of heartbreak, all the while treating my DS like he was still my babe because well, at 2, he still was. I am in awe of parents who are at ease with the idea of having more than one child. The idea just doesn't occur to me. DH and I were originally planning for two, but that was only because DH thought we should have two. Since I was a young women, I have always pictured myself with one child only, but was open to having two. At any rate, I was pretty darned relieved when DH changed his mind. I believe it started to cement things when I finally became pregnant. We figured if we had to work that hard just to get pregnant, we'll be blessed to have this one, and call it good. After the hard, long labor (whilst DH stood sheet white in the corner of the room), and subsequent emergency c/s, the deal was all but sealed: DH says, "you know, you said one would be good. Consider me on board with that."









Funny, DH, at the end of the day, ended up being even more cheerleader for having one. He didn't have to convince me but, given my complete and total obsession for ttc for the one we've got, he was truly amazed when the baby bug never hit me again. I think DS was about 5 when he was finally convinced. I'd messed up on my chart and the chance was VERY remote for pregnancy, however, even a remote chance had me very uptight. DH said to me, "you really are sure, huh?" Oh yeah... I am. I haven't missed a day on the chart since!

Thanks for letting me talk a blue streak. I'm so glad for this thread being revived. I don't think I realized just how much I'd been thinking about all this lately. I think it may be my advancing age. Into my 40's now, I realize the time (at least for me) has truly passed. If there were an accident now, we'd find a way, but truly, it would be a scary, anxious ride.









Would love to hear your thoughts on this...

The best,
Em

I honestly could have written your post word for word. I remember those dark days of babyhood (and we're still in sleepless toddlerhood right now. Ugh). One of the biggest reasons for us to have an only is because I do not want to change my relationship with dd--that would hurt me so much and would be so difficult for us as a family.

You have such wonderful, eloquent, and poignant thoughts, Embee. I love reading your posts here.


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie*
his is so me too.
if we had an accident, we'd probably find a way to make it work, and it would, but at this point, the thought terrifies me.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua* 
I honestly could have written your post word for word. I remember those dark days of babyhood (and we're still in sleepless toddlerhood right now. Ugh). One of the biggest reasons for us to have an only is because I do not want to change my relationship with dd--that would hurt me so much and would be so difficult for us as a family.

It's just so nice to be able to share these kinds of thoughts and have them validated. Thank you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua*
You have such wonderful, eloquent, and poignant thoughts, Embee. I love reading your posts here.

Thank you, mama. I wrote that last one so late last night. I was tired yet having what I hoped was a moment of clarity. When I logged on this morning my stomach actually lurched because sometimes, when I look back at posts (esp. those written late at night) I think, 'sheesh, was I ever feeling philosophical on there.'







Somehow this thread has felt a safe place to put myself and my feelings out there. It's been a real help connecting with all of you.

Well, I'd better go... "my only" is DEMANDING my attention. There are dinosaurs to play with afterall.









The best,
Em


----------



## PPK

Well said Embee. This is a huge reason for dh and myself as well. On a side note I can say with certainty that we wouldn't be able to give as much attention to an additional child as we have done with just ds.


----------



## majikfaerie

thanks for your words embee.
my dd is now 5.5, and still demands full-time attention. perhaps if she had a sibling playmate, she would need less attention, but that's a hug gamble; likely that then the two of them would need even more work in negotiating between them, and that's only once we get through the baby stage *shudder*.
not to mention one of my biggest fears, which is even deeper committment to DP, with whom I'm married and live together, but we have seperate bedrooms and a mostly platonic relationship. (as a couple we do not much but fight).
there are just so so so SO many reasons not to have another child, and for me, at this point in my life, no compelling reasons to have one. none at all.


----------



## LeslieB

It's so nice to read most of these posts because I finally feel like other people feel the way I do about having an only. It seems like everyone here has 2 or more kids. And I'm constantly being asked when we're having the second one. I don't want another kid. I just have no desire for another baby. I see a baby, I'm like, "That's nice," but there is no longing for another. Now, puppies, on the other hand...


----------



## earthgirl

I feel like I've been lucky in this area b/c most people who know me, know we are only having one. That was our plan before DD ever arrived. I don't really get the "When are you going to have more?" question. What kills me is that people will think I'm going to change my mind or something. More than once I've told a friend a cute/loving story about DD, only to have them ask me if it makes me want more?







Um, no, it just makes me really enjoy my time w/ DD.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
Anyways, I've had my share of remarks from my sister (who has 2 kids and whose house is sheer madness) who says my kid will be weird because she won't have siblings.

This just made me laugh, because the three adult onlies with whom I'm close are phenomenally successful, well-adjusted people. All three went to Ivy League colleges. One is a doctor, one is a minister, one is a professor. You will note that all three are in fields that require significant interaction with--and, in many respects, nurturing of others. These are hardly antisocial misfits.









Besides which, a couple of MY siblings are very weird. Having me and my other sibs around didn't seem to guarantee their mental health.









Anyway, next time she brings it up, hand her one of these lists of famous onlies:
http://community.livejournal.com/the...y_1/23593.html
http://www.parents.com/baby/developm...-child/?page=6


----------



## sapphos

sorry resubbing again


----------



## rupiezum

OK, I know none of you are going to read this and say, _Well, if she had a sibling..._









As you know, parenting an only can be intense sometimes. Right now is one of those times, and I would love just a little support so I don't run screaming out into the snowstorm outside!

DD just turned six. And a week after her birthday, two days before Christmas, I had major surgery - a hysterectomy for adenomyosis. So she has every reason to be behaving this way, but nevertheless - I feel like I'm suffocating right now, because she's literally on top of me every time I turn around!! I swear, it's like she's trying to climb back in.

Anyone have any thoughts on how to help both mama and child get through periods of intense need?


----------



## Pookietooth

Ali. Do you have any friends who could come over and help out? I think that regardless of how many children you had, this would be an issue -- and in fact if you had more, you would probably have even more demands on you. Anyway, does she have any friends she could visit with, have a dropoff playdate with? That might help.

What's ironic about the "are you having any more" thing is that most people these days stop at two or three, whereas a hundred years ago, that would never have been considered enough for most families. A two child family in 1900 was just as strange as a one-child family.

Here are some things I sometimes say, "well, if a one-child policy is good enough for China, it's good enough for me," (followed by a laugh). Or "they broke the mold when we had ds" or "we are doing our part to reduce the world population." These might be kind of snarky, but sometimes that's how I feel. It's such a personal question, why do people think it's a safe topic, like sports or the weather? Since in our case it's not a choice, it is rather painful to be reminded that we only have one, and I think people don't always realize it. Thus the snappy replies. Usually I just shrug my shoulders and say, "it doesn't seem to be in the cards for us." That covers both physical and financial/emotional reasons.


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
OK, I know none of you are going to read this and say, _Well, if she had a sibling..._









As you know, parenting an only can be intense sometimes. Right now is one of those times, and I would love just a little support so I don't run screaming out into the snowstorm outside!

DD just turned six. And a week after her birthday, two days before Christmas, I had major surgery - a hysterectomy for adenomyosis. So she has every reason to be behaving this way, but nevertheless - I feel like I'm suffocating right now, because she's literally on top of me every time I turn around!! I swear, it's like she's trying to climb back in.

Anyone have any thoughts on how to help both mama and child get through periods of intense need?









first of all, I can't believe anyone would say "if only she had a sibling" in this case. it would be way more hassle, stress and work having 2 kids at this time.

and while it's a major frustration to have a clingy child (believe me, i know), it will pass.


----------



## Samm

DD just turned six. And a week after her birthday, two days before Christmas, I had major surgery - a hysterectomy for adenomyosis. So she has every reason to be behaving this way, but nevertheless - I feel like I'm suffocating right now, because she's literally on top of me every time I turn around!! I swear, it's like she's trying to climb back in.

Anyone have any thoughts on how to help both mama and child get through periods of intense need?







[/QUOTE]

First off hugs, intense neediness, however warranted, is tough. I have actually joked with my daughter about her wanting to climb back in and she does laugh. She's almost 6.

Not that it's been incredibly successful, but we have talked about different people having differing levels of needing to be around people and that that's ok. And that sometimes mommy just needs a few minutes by herself, then we can hang out.


----------



## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
first of all, I can't believe anyone would say "if only she had a sibling" in this case. it would be way more hassle, stress and work having 2 kids at this time.

and while it's a major frustration to have a clingy child (believe me, i know), it will pass.









Believe it or not, it's already been said, more than once.









We're hanging in there... today she went back to school, and I think that will help a lot. I'm also starting to be able to do more things, so that should ease her fears and make her a little more secure... yesterday was my tipping point, but we're doing much better now.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I feel like I've been lucky in this area b/c most people who know me, know we are only having one. That was our plan before DD ever arrived. I don't really get the "When are you going to have more?" question. What kills me is that people will think I'm going to change my mind or something. More than once I've told a friend a cute/loving story about DD, only to have them ask me if it makes me want more?







Um, no, it just makes me really enjoy my time w/ DD.

Yeah. I just see other children taking away from the experience instead of adding to it. With one, I can just focus all the attention on her.

As for changing your mind, I guess it is hard for people who really want large families to understand why you might want to stop at 1 or 2 or even decide to have none at all. "What if you change your mind?" Well, what if you don't?


----------



## rupiezum

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
Yeah. I just see other children taking away from the experience instead of adding to it. With one, I can just focus all the attention on her.

As for changing your mind, I guess it is hard for people who really want large families to understand why you might want to stop at 1 or 2 or even decide to have none at all. "What if you change your mind?" Well, what if you don't?

ITA! I remember having a conversation with a friend who is wanting a third... she was looking hungrily at babies, and asked if I really, truly didn't feel the urge to have another baby when I saw cute babies. Um, no. I can look and admire and think how cute - doesn't mean I want another! I know my limits - which is what I always say (with a smile!) when people make comments about another baby.


----------



## jaidymama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JaniceT* 
Hi there --

We always knew we would only have one child -- quite frankly, our marriage is not all that strong, and even though I think we are very good parents to dd, we would be absolutely lousy parents for more than one child. I had her when I was 38, and now I'm 45, so I'm pretty much past the decision-making time, anyway -- even though I did have that urge to have another one about 3-4 years ago.

What I'm wondering from all of you, though, is whether you are experiencing with your "onlies" what we are, and if so, how do you deal with it. She seems to need our constant attention when she's not in school or in other activities, even at 7 years old -- there is very little "parallel processing" going on in our house -- that is, my doing something like cooking, reading, knitting, doing chores, working on the computer, while she's doing something on her own. We always have to be doing something together. The only exception is when she is watching TV or playing with different fonts on my computer -- two activities I'd really rather limit, but sometimes they are lifesavers.

I grew up with four sisters, we were all pretty close in age, and our family had very little money, so I remember hanging with my sisters for hours and days on end while my mother worked on chores on her own. We'd be outside whenever we could, and I remember full days when we would just disappear into the woods out back, making forts, playing tag, sledding, etc. -- and all while we were all pretty young.

So now I'm thinking that this need for playing or doing with dh or myself at all times is a by-product of the fact that she is an only child. Some days I would just love to have another child so that the two of them could be companions to each other. It would certainly be easier on me! Not that I would ever have another child just for that reason....

Do other people experience this? And if so, what do you do about it?

Any guidance would be much appreciated! I expected to be "all hands on deck" for the first five years of dd's life, but didn't expect to have to be the sole entertainment when she is in first grade. I do arrange play dates, and she has activities -- ballet, piano lessons, after care at school, etc. -- I'd really rather not fill up her days with more, especially since both dh and I work full-time and it would be impossible anyway. I just wish I could help her entertain herself more....

Cheers --

Janice T.

We have noticed that with our son as well. He's still preK age, but there definitely a strong desire for him to have a constant playmate. I had thought once he goes to school that would chill things out a bit. But I've heard a lot that onlies are more peers of their parents than of kids their own age... I don't know if that's true... but my ds would rather play with us than his own friends if he had the choice. Not that he wants to be a grown up per se, just that he wants us to play on his level... although sometimes he does try to act like he's more mature that other kids his own age.

A suggestion that I have heard is that spending an hour with a child is like a whole day for them... I don't know how much I agree with that statement... But the basic idea is to ask yourself how much time is actually needed together? Could you plan 30-60 minutes solely focused on her? I know with my ds it's like filling up a gas tank... if I spend some time with him he can go for a while without absolutely being needy. However, the busier I am the more he wants me.

So I think you're right, more activities isn't it... You're irreplaceable! See if you can do something with her once a week or every other day, pick any day really... Have a mommy/daughter date and arrange a specific day to have a daddy date.

Also, is there a friend in the neighborhood? We have a neighbor girl across the street who is allowed to play whenever my ds wants to play. All he has to do is go across the street and ask.

My only other idea is to have her included with chores so that you can do them together. Can she dust while you vacuum? Can she wash dishes or help make dinner?


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rupiezum* 
Believe it or not, it's already been said, more than once.









We're hanging in there... today she went back to school, and I think that will help a lot. I'm also starting to be able to do more things, so that should ease her fears and make her a little more secure... yesterday was my tipping point, but we're doing much better now.









some people.









and glad to hear you're doing better.


----------



## marimara

Does anyone know of any blogs from moms of an only? All my favorite blogs all seem to have multiple children. Just curious>..


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
Does anyone know of any blogs from moms of an only? All my favorite blogs all seem to have multiple children. Just curious>..

Great question! Think I might search about and see what I can find... I let ya know if I come up with something.

It's been great reading this thread. I've been a bit MIA this week, but so many things for which I'd like to respond/support and commiserate... we've been spending the week readjusting DS's lizard habitat, thanks to faulty information from the the pet store.







We're all in love with our little dragon, and have been fussing and doting about trying make things right! I wonder, if I had more than one child, would I be able to care (and dedicate so much time and energy to) a lizard?









The Best,
Embee


----------



## LuxPerpetua

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Embee* 
Great question! Think I might search about and see what I can find... I let ya know if I come up with something.

It's been great reading this thread. I've been a bit MIA this week, but so many things for which I'd like to respond/support and commiserate... we've been spending the week readjusting DS's lizard habitat, thanks to faulty information from the the pet store.







We're all in love with our little dragon, and have been fussing and doting about trying make things right! I wonder, if I had more than one child, would I be able to care (and dedicate so much time and energy to) a lizard?









The Best,
Embee

Ooh, that sounds fun. We love to look at lizards at our local pet store that we visit every week (and we just go to look because we don't have any pets). I definitely think life with an only can move at a relaxed, in-depth pace. It's funny how different it is from comments I read from people with multiple children. Many of them just seem so harried and tense. It makes me love my life even more.


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
Does anyone know of any blogs from moms of an only? All my favorite blogs all seem to have multiple children. Just curious>..

I'm mama to an only and I blog







http://majikfaerie.blogspot.com
it's not really focussed on the "only" aspect at all, outside of this thread, having an only by choice isn't really an issue I dwell on, it's just a natural part of our lives.


----------



## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
I'm mama to an only and I blog







http://majikfaerie.blogspot.com
it's not really focussed on the "only" aspect at all, outside of this thread, having an only by choice isn't really an issue I dwell on, it's just a natural part of our lives.









Cool, I'll bookmark it! I just wanted to read a blog from a mom like me once in a while, kwim?
ps: I just peeked at your blog and realized you don't live around here, do ya?! that's awesome! and your blog is waaaaaaay cooler than the 'other' mom blogs i've been reading


----------



## Embee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LuxPerpetua* 
I definitely think life with an only can move at a relaxed, in-depth pace.

This is VERY well put. This is exactly how I feel about our life. However, due to the obsessive nature of each of us, we can sometimes bring this to nearly a toxic level.
















The best,
Em


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
Cool, I'll bookmark it! I just wanted to read a blog from a mom like me once in a while, kwim?
ps: I just peeked at your blog and realized you don't live around here, do ya?! that's awesome! and your blog is waaaaaaay cooler than the 'other' mom blogs i've been reading


















I do so live around here.









and







thanks

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Embee* 
This is VERY well put. This is exactly how I feel about our life. However, due to the obsessive nature of each of us, we can sometimes bring this to nearly a toxic level.
















The best,
Em

that sounds like us too.


----------



## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 








I do so live around here.









and







thanks

that sounds like us too.

Yeah, I was just coming back here to correct my U.S.-centric thought but u beat me to it









I took one look at the birds and thought, she does not live around here and just kinda typed it, and well, you know,....anyhoooo....putting my girl to bed now...


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
Yeah, I was just coming back here to correct my U.S.-centric thought but u beat me to it









I took one look at the birds and thought, she does not live around here and just kinda typed it, and well, you know,....anyhoooo....putting my girl to bed now...

that's cool. I knew what you meant


----------



## Kira's mom

We have one delicious dd. She'll be 6 in March. We got married late (I was 41) abd thought we'd skip having kids. BUT one month later I was pg! She's the best thing that's ever happened to us. If I'd known, I think I'd have done this earlier and maybe had another. As they say We are exactly where we're supposed to be. I'm now 47, so what are the odds???LOL


----------



## Kira's mom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
I'm mama to an only and I blog







http://majikfaerie.blogspot.com
it's not really focussed on the "only" aspect at all, outside of this thread, having an only by choice isn't really an issue I dwell on, it's just a natural part of our lives.









Just wanted to add MAJIKFAERIE: I love your blog! It's beautiful


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kira's mom* 
Just wanted to add MAJIKFAERIE: I love your blog! It's beautiful









:
aw shucks thank you.

oh, and i noticed in your sig - your dd is just 3 weeks older than mine!


----------



## Mona

I have a blog http://perpetualjoy.blogspot.com/


----------



## majikfaerie

cool, mona







it looks great


----------



## Mona

thanks








it seems these days that my blog is about capturing snipits from our shiny life, rather then writings. i absolutely love our life with an only, and wouldn't change it for the world!









<3


----------



## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mona* 
I have a blog http://perpetualjoy.blogspot.com/










Thanks for posting this too, your blog is great. Your kiddo is cute! Now it's getting easier for me to see down the line with my 2 year old dd what our life can look like as a family of 3. Thank you!! I can really see how you can focus more attention on the one rather be spread out thinner amongst many siblings.


----------



## Mona

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
I can really see how you can focus more attention on the one rather be spread out thinner amongst many siblings.

yes! yes! yes!!!

i love that i can give so much of my time and awareness and energy to my daughter. she deserves it.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
Does anyone know of any blogs from moms of an only? All my favorite blogs all seem to have multiple children. Just curious>..

Mine but my kid is only two.


----------



## PPK

Great blogs, thanks for sharing.

Majikfaerie~
I love that your lo is doing such good tarot readings. Dh used to read for a living..I've never seen anyone that young giving a reading, how neat!!


----------



## mckennasmomma

I blog! Though my dd is only 4.5 months old. I used to be a professional mountain bike racer, and started the blog as kind of a way to promote my sponsors and so on, but it has morphed in to just kind of a "what's going on around here" blog.

www.daramarksmarino.com


----------



## nalo

Pretty sure this is my first post on this thread. Our DD is coming up on 19 months. We always thought we'd have two children but DD has food intollerances and sleeps like crap. She is also PLing right now. Honestly, we are having a pretty tough time imagining a second child in the picture. However, I know that we may change our minds once we finally STTN. I'm just wondering...for those of you who had no fertility issues or anything (i.e. those who could hypothetically just have sex and get pregnant) what age was your DD when you decided he/she would be an only? My brother and I are 7 years apart which seems pretty rare but I simply don't want kids that far apart. I think the max age difference I would want is 4 years apart so I guess we have a year and a half to get things moving if we want another child. I guess I'm just curious how everyone came to this decision of having just one because we go back and forth so much. I also developed a slight medical condition (pelvic organ prolapse) after DD's birth and the fear of worsening that condition also seems to be hugely playing into my thinking about this. I think my two biggest hangups about DD being an only are....if she ends up having cousins they will all be much younger and I hate the idea of her kind of being "alone" in the family like that. Even though my bro and I are not super close I can't imagine not having him, yk? Also, I DON'T want to raise the stereotypical spoiled brat only child. I want her to have to compromise and share and get her feelings hurt and all that learning kind of stuff that happens with sibs. I just don't see if happening with only adults at home. I know this was probably a big decision for many of you - an only option for some....lots of variables I know. I guess I just need to hear how you all arrived at one child and - if you are someone who struggled with the decision - how did you finally make it and come to terms with it?????
Sorry for the book.....TIA.


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PPK* 
Great blogs, thanks for sharing.

Majikfaerie~
I love that your lo is doing such good tarot readings. Dh used to read for a living..I've never seen anyone that young giving a reading, how neat!!

yeah, i keep thinking; if only I could get her to do readings for random people at the weekend markets; we could make a fortune! (pun intended)

our local markets are pretty hippy, and loads of the kids around here make their pocket money by busking or selling their art or stuff they've crafted. none of them are especially talented like you'd usually see kids who busk; they're just regular kids singing off key or selling bits of string and stuff. but they're all cute and the community kind of supports them... so if dd would actually read tarot, she could probably charge $5-10 a go (they're pretty short readings) and easily do a dozen readings over a market. but she won't sit still that long nor talk to strangers, so there goes my dreams for fame and riches









Quote:


Originally Posted by *mckennasmomma* 
I blog! Though my dd is only 4.5 months old. I used to be a professional mountain bike racer, and started the blog as kind of a way to promote my sponsors and so on, but it has morphed in to just kind of a "what's going on around here" blog.

www.daramarksmarino.com

nice one









Quote:


Originally Posted by *nalo* 
Pretty sure this is my first post on this thread. Our DD is coming up on 19 months. We always thought we'd have two children but DD has food intollerances and sleeps like crap. She is also PLing right now. Honestly, we are having a pretty tough time imagining a second child in the picture. However, I know that we may change our minds once we finally STTN. I'm just wondering...for those of you who had no fertility issues or anything (i.e. those who could hypothetically just have sex and get pregnant) what age was your DD when you decided he/she would be an only? My brother and I are 7 years apart which seems pretty rare but I simply don't want kids that far apart. I think the max age difference I would want is 4 years apart so I guess we have a year and a half to get things moving if we want another child. I guess I'm just curious how everyone came to this decision of having just one because we go back and forth so much. I also developed a slight medical condition (pelvic organ prolapse) after DD's birth and the fear of worsening that condition also seems to be hugely playing into my thinking about this. I think my two biggest hangups about DD being an only are....if she ends up having cousins they will all be much younger and I hate the idea of her kind of being "alone" in the family like that. Even though my bro and I are not super close I can't imagine not having him, yk? Also, I DON'T want to raise the stereotypical spoiled brat only child. I want her to have to compromise and share and get her feelings hurt and all that learning kind of stuff that happens with sibs. I just don't see if happening with only adults at home. I know this was probably a big decision for many of you - an only option for some....lots of variables I know. I guess I just need to hear how you all arrived at one child and - if you are someone who struggled with the decision - how did you finally make it and come to terms with it?????
Sorry for the book.....TIA.









good question.
me, the decision was a slow process. Once i'd had one, I kinda bought into the unquestioned assumption that I'll have another, and I kinda figured 3-4 years was a good gap. but I *really* didn't want to have another surprise unplanned baby, so I was waiting for the right time; when I felt ready for another kid. and somewhow dd's 3rd and then 4th birthday sailed on by, and I still wasn't ready. then I realised that I don't want another child, and there's SO many reasons to have an only, including the environment, my mental health, travelling, costs, etc etc.
so here we are.

Personally I don't worry about the spoiled brat stuff. it's just a stereotype, adn there's loads of spoiled kids out there with sibs as well. heck, I was a pretty spoiled kid; got everything I wanted and all that, my parents never said no to me, and I had a little bro and sis.








and I know plenty of onlies who aren't "spoiled". there's so many more factors that come into play than just siblings


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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nalo* 
Also, I DON'T want to raise the stereotypical spoiled brat only child. I want her to have to compromise and share and get her feelings hurt and all that learning kind of stuff that happens with sibs.

This is a stereotype and has little basis in reality. Only children have been studied extensively by research scientists and over and over they determine that onlies are no more 'spoiled', antisocial, maladjusted, etc. than their peers with siblings--although, statistically, onlies do have higher self esteem and score higher on measures of achievement.

Honestly, I think the idea that kids can only learn about sharing and compromise by having siblings is ridiculous on its face. Dd goes to nursery school and takes classes and goes to the park--and every day, she has to share and compromise and wait her turn. She gets her feelings hurt and gets pushed and has to learn to deal with it. Even when it's just us at home, she's still part of a family of three--and that means waiting, sharing, compromising and all those things. I'm sure you know MANY children with siblings who are not good at sharing or who are "spoiled." I certainly do.

As for how we knew we wanted an only. We had an incredibly rocky road our first year--PPD, horrific nursing problems, etc.--and then dd was diagnosed with severe food allergies. That all contributes to our decision, I'm sure, but it's much more about just feeling done than having logical reasons. If we truly wanted another, I doubt the problems the first year and the continued challenges of the food allergies would deter us. We like quiet. We like flexibility. We find parenting emotionally taxing in a way that others seem not to. We have very intense careers that require time and intellectual focus. There are certain things that we want to provide for dd that would be a financial strain with more than one: travel, private schools. We feel it is more environmentally responsible to have fewer children (we're practically the only parents at dd's school who don't have an SUV!). We love dd with all our hearts, but we don't feel that parenting is a "calling"--we find personal satisfaction in other things. But mostly, we just love our little family of three and can't imagine changing it for anything else. We FEEL done, in our hearts, and with total certainty.


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
This is a stereotype and has little basis in reality. Only children have been studied extensively by research scientists and over and over they determine that onlies are no more 'spoiled', antisocial, maladjusted, etc. than their peers with siblings--although, statistically, onlies do have higher self esteem and score higher on measures of achievement.

Honestly, I think the idea that kids can only learn about sharing and compromise by having siblings is ridiculous on its face. Dd goes to nursery school and takes classes and goes to the park--and every day, she has to share and compromise and wait her turn. She gets her feelings hurt and gets pushed and has to learn to deal with it. Even when it's just us at home, she's still part of a family of three--and that means waiting, sharing, compromising and all those things. I'm sure you know MANY children with siblings who are not good at sharing or who are "spoiled." I certainly do.









:







:







:







:


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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 







:







:







:







:

I'm quoting your smilies.









The thing I find funny about the stereotype is that my dd is, honestly, the most reasonable toddler I've ever met. We can reason her into or out of almost anything, as long as we present a compelling case, and she's extremely skilled at the arts of negotiation and deal-making. She gets upset sometimes, sure, but never has real "tantrums."

I have four siblings, and I definitely acted like a spoiled brat sometimes!







My cousin talks about how I used to lock her out of my room if she didn't play what *I* wanted to play. I think some kids with lots of siblings act "spoiled" or "bratty" because they desperately want individual attention or for things to go THEIR way for once (instead of always having to defer to the kids who are older, as I did). On the other hand, there are many kids with lots of siblings who learn to negotiate and compromise. I know some families with two kids where the kids are truly best friends and some families with two where the kids are constantly fighting and competing. Parenting and temperament have much more to do with "spoiling" and brattiness than presence or number of siblings, I think.


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## nalo

Yay - thanks for the great responses so far!!
It's funny because my family has TONS of only children (including both of my parents) yet I still hugely grapple with this concept. I would love to hear what others have to say...


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## DariusMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 

We like quiet. We like flexibility. We find parenting emotionally taxing in a way that others seem not to. We have very intense careers that require time and intellectual focus. There are certain things that we want to provide for dd that would be a financial strain with more than one: travel . . . . We love dd with all our hearts, but we don't feel that parenting is a "calling"--we find personal satisfaction in other things. But mostly, we just love our little family of three and can't imagine changing it for anything else.

this is us!


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## SweetPotato

I've done a fair bit of waffling-- whether or not to have another was constantly on my mind for a long time. I had medical issues with dd, 3 mcs and corrective surgery and then 4 months of bedrest during pg. She went into distress during birth and we ended up having a forceps delivery and I tore big-time-- so slight emotional trauma from the sewing-up and a rough physical recovery. I think I could call that my excuse and be done with it, but it's not really the physical part that makes me balk. One thing is that I can remember so vividly the intense, bitter jealousy that I felt towards every pregnant woman and mother of a baby during the two years of miscarriages-- I don't have those feelings AT ALL for pg women now or moms of 2+ kids-- and I don't want to "go there" again- I'm so happy and relieved to be at peace. It's actually kind of weird now because all my friends are having their second or third babes, doing doula training, LLL, etc.- and I while I'm happy for them, I personally just feel really OVER the whole baby thing. I'm really surprised to find myself feeling this way!

Another personal gauge for me is looking back to my time on bedrest when we feared dd might be VERY early. I read up on Cerebral Palsey and other issues that ultra-premies are at risk for- and I had myself geared up to take on any adversity- I wanted her SO MUCH regardless of what difficulties there might be. To be brutally honest- though I could maybe, _maybe_ convince myself that a second child wouldn't be THE most horrible idea, the thought of having another child now with serious health issues or special needs kind of freaks me out-- I just don't want to do it- and that tells me that I don't want it enough, you know? -because I really believe that every child should be wanted that much.

Add to those things-- my 3yo still doesn't sleep worth a doodle, still nurses, and just is still pretty high maintenance-- adding another child NOW would just kind of suck-- I know that we could do it, but it would be really rough, and I think we'd all get burnt out pretty quickly- and that's not the sort of environment that I want any child of mine to grow up in. It's also really exciting to have dd old enough now to really enjoy hiking, canoeing, camping, etc. Dh and I are finally starting to have more of "us" back, and I'm really psyched about getting back into my career. Dd and I are able to do a decent amount of travelling alone, which is also really neat and something that I think would be much harder if I had another little one. I also LOVE that dh or I can take dd out for a morning, and she gets high-quality, special, one-on-one time with one parent while the other gets some time alone-- I feel like it's easy for us each to have the time to really foster a strong individual relationship with her, and I think the logistics of that would be harder if we had more. Really-- we just really like our life and our family as it is. I hadn't really considered having an only before all the health issues we went through, but I feel very grateful that we were forced to appreciate the hard-core awesomeness of our one child without looking at her as just the beginning. We are complete. We rock.


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## boatbaby

Every time I bring up a behavior issue with a friend regarding DS, they ALWAYS blame his lack of a sibling.










I am learning to tune it out.


----------



## nalo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
I've done a fair bit of waffling-- whether or not to have another was constantly on my mind for a long time. I had medical issues with dd, 3 mcs and corrective surgery and then 4 months of bedrest during pg. She went into distress during birth and we ended up having a forceps delivery and I tore big-time-- so slight emotional trauma from the sewing-up and a rough physical recovery. I think I could call that my excuse and be done with it, but it's not really the physical part that makes me balk. One thing is that I can remember so vividly the intense, bitter jealousy that I felt towards every pregnant woman and mother of a baby during the two years of miscarriages-- I don't have those feelings AT ALL for pg women now or moms of 2+ kids-- and I don't want to "go there" again- I'm so happy and relieved to be at peace. It's actually kind of weird now because all my friends are having their second or third babes, doing doula training, LLL, etc.- and I while I'm happy for them, I personally just feel really OVER the whole baby thing. I'm really surprised to find myself feeling this way!

Another personal gauge for me is looking back to my time on bedrest when we feared dd might be VERY early. I read up on Cerebral Palsey and other issues that ultra-premies are at risk for- and I had myself geared up to take on any adversity- I wanted her SO MUCH regardless of what difficulties there might be. To be brutally honest- though I could maybe, _maybe_ convince myself that a second child wouldn't be THE most horrible idea, the thought of having another child now with serious health issues or special needs kind of freaks me out-- I just don't want to do it- and that tells me that I don't want it enough, you know? -because I really believe that every child should be wanted that much.

Add to those things-- my 3yo still doesn't sleep worth a doodle, still nurses, and just is still pretty high maintenance-- adding another child NOW would just kind of suck-- I know that we could do it, but it would be really rough, and I think we'd all get burnt out pretty quickly- and that's not the sort of environment that I want any child of mine to grow up in. It's also really exciting to have dd old enough now to really enjoy hiking, canoeing, camping, etc. Dh and I are finally starting to have more of "us" back, and I'm really psyched about getting back into my career. Dd and I are able to do a decent amount of travelling alone, which is also really neat and something that I think would be much harder if I had another little one. I also LOVE that dh or I can take dd out for a morning, and she gets high-quality, special, one-on-one time with one parent while the other gets some time alone-- I feel like it's easy for us each to have the time to really foster a strong individual relationship with her, and I think the logistics of that would be harder if we had more. Really-- we just really like our life and our family as it is. I hadn't really considered having an only before all the health issues we went through, but I feel very grateful that we were forced to appreciate the hard-core awesomeness of our one child without looking at her as just the beginning. We are complete. We rock.























Thanks so much for sharing - it's so lovely to hear other people's stories. I am also finding myself SO not jealous of friends who are having second babies which is a shocker to me since I am kind of obsessed with babies. I am a postpartum doula and really do LOVE babies so when I have no yearning at all to be pregnant again right now along with various friends it definately sends a message to me. However, I look at others who have say 4 kids (I have a friend my age w/ 4 and I cannot imagine it) and I think of the amazing lives those kids will lead growing up together and being adults together. Of course they could all end up hating each other I guess - lol - but I do kind of mourn for the whole big family thing even though I never wanted more than two. I just don't know how people afford it!!!


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## majikfaerie

I agree. every child should be wanted that much.


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## caspian's mama

just sayin howdy. we're lovin life just us two. actually i had a talk this week with my "main squeeze" and he says he's definitely all set with having kids of his own. wooo!


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## Devaya

Checking in here too. It's been a bit hard recently bc suddenly a lot of friends and acquaintances with similar age babies are pregnant - usually having got pregnant around the 12-15 month mark. (seriously, today alone I bumped into two who told me their news). I think they're crazy, frankly, but it also brings up a bit of longing, and I can't tell how much of that is just 'peer pressure' (oh, they're all doing it so it must make sense) or a real sense of missing out.

Reading others' stories in this thread, though, makes me realise I have a lot of the same reasons why having an 'only' would make sense. But still, I find it hard to let go of this notion of two or three kids being ideal. We're barely m aking it financially as it is now, so its totally crazy!


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## ceilydhmama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaya* 
Checking in here too. It's been a bit hard recently bc suddenly a lot of friends and acquaintances with similar age babies are pregnant - usually having got pregnant around the 12-15 month mark. (seriously, today alone I bumped into two who told me their news). I think they're crazy, frankly, but it also brings up a bit of longing, and I can't tell how much of that is just 'peer pressure' (oh, they're all doing it so it must make sense) or a real sense of missing out.

Reading others' stories in this thread, though, makes me realise I have a lot of the same reasons why having an 'only' would make sense. But still, I find it hard to let go of this notion of two or three kids being ideal. We're barely m aking it financially as it is now, so its totally crazy!


It is so hard when friends start having babies. I hung out with 3 good friends when Maia was smaller. When the kids all turned 3 - one after another (in the span of 3 mos) all my gfs fell pregnant. Watching all those sibs hold "their babies" made me sort of sad at times and there are still moments when we see them that I wish Maia got to be a big sister too - but, for the most part, I know for our family and for the life we live, that we are perfect as is...

I also know that all of my friends with two kids have admitted on occasion that they really miss how it was when they just had one - that sense of hanging with your buddy and being completely free to make decisions based on one child is a pretty wonderful thing...


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaya* 
Checking in here too. It's been a bit hard recently bc suddenly a lot of friends and acquaintances with similar age babies are pregnant - usually having got pregnant around the 12-15 month mark. (seriously, today alone I bumped into two who told me their news). I think they're crazy, frankly, but it also brings up a bit of longing, and I can't tell how much of that is just 'peer pressure' (oh, they're all doing it so it must make sense) or a real sense of missing out.

Reading others' stories in this thread, though, makes me realise I have a lot of the same reasons why having an 'only' would make sense. But still, I find it hard to let go of this notion of two or three kids being ideal. We're barely m aking it financially as it is now, so its totally crazy!

Do you know anyone IRL that is only having one? I have a friend that is also raising an only and that helps. I know tons of pregnant people now, most of them expecting number 2, so I get where you are coming from.


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## iris777888

It seems most of my friends either have none or three!! One just had her third and her second and mine are within a few days of each other. My son is just about to turn two, still needs me so much, I cannot imagine displacing his role as the baby so soon. Looking at the pics of her family just after the baby was born, I felt a bit sorry for him. He seems so little and to just want his mama's attention.









I know one other person with a son about 6 months older than ours that has confirmed he will be their only, but we're not really close. I've been thinking I should try to foster more of a friendship with her since we have so much in common. Not only the single child situation, but she's AP, still nursing, etc. Does anyone else find that having such a relationship with another single child family is beneficial not only for you but for the kids?


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iris777888* 
I know one other person with a son about 6 months older than ours that has confirmed he will be their only, but we're not really close. I've been thinking I should try to foster more of a friendship with her since we have so much in common. Not only the single child situation, but she's AP, still nursing, etc. Does anyone else find that having such a relationship with another single child family is beneficial not only for you but for the kids?

My sister also has an only, also a girl, less than a year's difference in age from dd. Even though we live in different cities, I do think it's really nice to have mutual support. When the girls are older, we plan on doing lots of "swaps" (both girls spend a week at one family's house, vacations together, etc.), so that they can have some familial bonding with someone close in age--without all that pesky sibling rivalry.







We share very similar parenting philosophies--unlike some of my other siblings and relatives--so that makes it doubly nice.

We're also friendly with a few other families with onlies--in our particular demographic, having an only is not that uncommon, I think--and some of our friends are happy onlies themselves. Even though I have zero doubt about our choice, I have to admit it feels nice to have some external validation. Same with anything about parenting, really. If you're committed to bfing, for instance, it helps to have friends IRL who do, too, so you can share stories and advice and just feel supported.


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## ceilydhmama

We hang out with a couple of friends who have onlies - and it's wonderful. The kids have the same need to have some quiet time every so often and they try so hard to accommodate each other that we rarely have any kind of conflicts.

On a totally different note my DD came home yesterday with an observation that made me chuckle:

DD: "Devon (her good friend) thinks her parents like Sophie (Devon's little sister) the best.

Me: "What makes her say that?

DD: "Well, she IS a pain and she assumes her parents have noticed.
She still sad though. She says it feels terrible not to be the favourite.
That's why I love being an only child.
No matter how much I annoy you, I know you love me best. And that makes me want to be wonderful."







:







:


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iris777888* 
It seems most of my friends either have none or three!! One just had her third and her second and mine are within a few days of each other. My son is just about to turn two, still needs me so much, I cannot imagine displacing his role as the baby so soon. Looking at the pics of her family just after the baby was born, I felt a bit sorry for him. He seems so little and to just want his mama's attention.









I know one other person with a son about 6 months older than ours that has confirmed he will be their only, but we're not really close. I've been thinking I should try to foster more of a friendship with her since we have so much in common. Not only the single child situation, but she's AP, still nursing, etc. *Does anyone else find that having such a relationship with another single child family is beneficial not only for you but for the kids?*

Yes, yes, yes! There's never any defending our choice or trying to explain why we reached that decision. Our children are both young, but we both hope to homeschool and I think that will also be helpful. And I think it makes get-togethers easier and quieter.


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## ceilydhmama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
Every time I bring up a behavior issue with a friend regarding DS, they ALWAYS blame his lack of a sibling.










I am learning to tune it out.

This is funny Cindy,
We get the opposite. When Maia is especially easy going or pleasant to be around it's because she doesn't have siblings - it still comes out as a negative somehow though. As though "real" children (aka ones with siblings) have to learn how to cope with so much more than her...









The extension of that is I'm not a "real" mother of course... That badge comes with having to navigate sibling rivalry, apparently...


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## majikfaerie

quite a few of our friends (probably 1/2 of dd's friends) are onlies. just by chance though, we didn't seek them out or anything.


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## SweetPotato

We had a few friends with onlies in our old town-- we were grad students and our friends were all fellow academics (who tend to have fewer kids later, I think) Our new town isn't centered around a university, and my friends here are much more diverse (and all have 2+ kids) Our little street is actually very odd because it's all onlies except for one family-- but the kid are all several years older than dd. Fun to play with when it's warm out, and the parents are great-- but they all work and we haven't gotten super close. I would LOVE to meet another mom with an only around dds age to hang with during the day and really share with.


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## boatbaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ceilydhmama* 

The extension of that is I'm not a "real" mother of course... That badge comes with having to navigate sibling rivalry, apparently...

Ohhh yes, I have seen/ heard that one too. It's like having an only is the equivalent of not having children. Basically, it's not a "real family". Grrrrr.

"Well, you only have one so..." -- is a common phrase I hear starting conversations.

"You only have one so of course you would home school. It's just too hard when you have more kids."

"You only have one so that's why you get to spend so much time out doors. You just can't do that with a baby in arms."

"You only have one so you don't really need the break from the kids like I do."

"You only have one so of course you're still nursing."

"You only have one so you just can't know what it's like being home sick with the kids."

"You only have one so that's why you can be TV free. It's not possible to entertain more than one kid without a TV."


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## majikfaerie

why do people think it makes sense to go on and on about how hard it is to have all these kids, and why life is so easy for us mamas of onlies, and then in the next breath try to convince us that we should have more kids







:sizzy:


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
why do people think it makes sense to go on and on about how hard it is to have all these kids, and why life is so easy for us mamas of onlies, and then in the next breath try to convince us that we should have more kids







:sizzy:

Misery loves company.

As to your list, boatbaby, I might point out that a lot of people have two, three, four or more kids and are able to make all of those things work, so I am not sure what their problem is exactly.


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## majikfaerie

: there's a woman in my area with 8 kids under 10 (yes, you read that right, all singletons too!) and she manages to do all that







(







: )


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## boatbaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 







: there's a woman in my area with 8 kids under 10 (yes, you read that right, all singletons too!) and she manages to do all that







(







: )

So true! I guess there are always complainers - no matter how many kids one has. I have friends with 3+ who do all that too. I am in awe but do not envy.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
Ohhh yes, I have seen/ heard that one too. It's like having an only is the equivalent of not having children. Basically, it's not a "real family". Grrrrr.

"Well, you only have one so..." -- is a common phrase I hear starting conversations.

"You only have one so of course you would home school. It's just too hard when you have more kids."

"You only have one so that's why you get to spend so much time out doors. You just can't do that with a baby in arms."

"You only have one so you don't really need the break from the kids like I do."

"You only have one so of course you're still nursing."

"You only have one so you just can't know what it's like being home sick with the kids."

"You only have one so that's why you can be TV free. It's not possible to entertain more than one kid without a TV."










How do you address this? Or do you address this? I haven't heard any of these comments, but I won't be surprised if I do in the future, especially from one person in particular. She already makes little comments here and there about how easy it is for me b/c my DD is mellow, quite unlike her DS. They're meant to be compliments (I think), but there's always this residual feeling that she's comparing who has it harder. I can only imagine that will get worse when her second comes a long.


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## majikfaerie

it's almost as if some people blame us with onlies for the stress they have with all their kids.
like: oh it's so hard and i'm so harried, and there you are sitting pretty and having it easy with just one! you don't know how hard it is for me and if you had a few more kids we could bitch and moan together, but as it is you're making me look like a bad mom.

but I think the reason we don't get this vibe from everyone is just a personality thing. some people have a huge gaggle of kids and breeze through it, and some are freaking out stressed with just one. you can't compare how easy or hard parenting is based purely on number of kids.
me, I have PTSD, so I find life to be pretty stressy even when I don't have any children and I'm lying in a hammock on a beach







one kid is soooo enough for me


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## mckennasmomma

Since my daughter is so young we haven't gotten negative comments...yet. But if someone is brazen enough to say that kind of thing out loud, I might respond: "Yes, having just one was a really good decision for us!" and just let them take it however they want to.


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## majikfaerie

good one!


----------



## windpowered

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
Do you know anyone IRL that is only having one? I have a friend that is also raising an only and that helps.

Hi everyone. Quick intro: I'm Diane, have been married to my amazing DH for 18 years, and we have a wonderful DD who is almost 7. We are 95% sure she will be our only. If you care to search my previous posts in the Family Planning forum, you could read about some loooong, painful struggles I have had with this issue over the last couple years. I always thought I wanted two, thought DH knew this, and he is done, done, done with our terrific one!







So, much soul-searching has been going on, not only for me, but in our relationship. This is definitely the hardest issue we have faced. And I want to be happy and content with whatever the outcome is.

So, over my Christmas vacation, I found this thread. And couldn't stop reading! I read all 46 pages!! (that were there) And I got such comfort and validation for myself, and equally important, compassion for my DH and his point of view. So thank you, mamas, thank you so much.









By the end of Christmas vacation, I was thinking of how many other families I know with onlies. I came up with 7 without much effort. So I got in contact with these other mamas and asked if they would like to start a discussion group for Mamas of Onlies. And it worked! We have met twice already, and have another meeting scheduled at the end of the month. Again, I can't say how helpful this has been for me. I needed so much to hear the perspectives, fears, and contemplations of other mamas doing this "only" thing. Most of my close friends IRL have 2 or more DC. So, connecting with these mamas has opened up a beautiful new world for me.

Just had to share how much you all have helped me.









I'll write more later, but geez, I outta get to bed.

~Diane


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## majikfaerie

welcome diane!


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## Kat_shoshin

I am not sure about our family size as yet. But I do feel the pressure to have another one and DS is not yet 2. My MIL has 6 grandsons and her daughters are all done and so now it falls to me to have that elusive girl. Actually DH admitted to me he would also like a girl in the future, although he would of course be happy with another boy or I guess staying as we are with DS.

It took me a while to get pregnant in the first place and I had a difficult pregnancy and have a hard time being happy for friends with their pregnancies and with my sympathy. I cringe.

And their births - I don't know which I am more upset by - the good ones or the less than ideal ones. We ended up with a real doozy of a birth physically and emotionally and mentally, and then a week of NICU. I don't know if I am up for it again - except that I have so many regrets and would like a do-over - but then there is no guarantee we wouldn't have a worse outcome.

And our life? We had a difficult newborn that morphed into a high needs child. My sister had such an easy baby she sometimes had to remind herself that she had one. Hard to forget when you have barely put him down since his birth. Not that I want to - most days. And when I do there is Nana's house.

That's the last one - I would hate to take anything from him. We are happy and maybe we are done. I hint loudly that people should not expect a sibling from us, but I do have my doubts as well. I wonder if it would be harmful for him for me to drop out of this tribe in 6 years or 8 and decide then to have a second child. I wonder if there is a time limit.

For now we are in no hurry - and are completely in love with and happy with our little family. We just aren't making any permanent decisions about the future just yet. Glad to be here and enjoying the freedom having just one gives us!


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *windpowered* 

By the end of Christmas vacation, I was thinking of how many other families I know with onlies. I came up with 7 without much effort. So I got in contact with these other mamas and asked if they would like to start a discussion group for Mamas of Onlies. And it worked! We have met twice already, and have another meeting scheduled at the end of the month. Again, I can't say how helpful this has been for me. I needed so much to hear the perspectives, fears, and contemplations of other mamas doing this "only" thing. Most of my close friends IRL have 2 or more DC. So, connecting with these mamas has opened up a beautiful new world for me.


This is so great. What a wonderful idea and I'm glad to hear you are getting support.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kat_shoshin* 
I am not sure about our family size as yet. But I do feel the pressure to have another one and DS is not yet 2. My MIL has 6 grandsons and her daughters are all done and so now it falls to me to have that elusive girl. Actually DH admitted to me he would also like a girl in the future, although he would of course be happy with another boy or I guess staying as we are with DS.

It took me a while to get pregnant in the first place and I had a difficult pregnancy and have a hard time being happy for friends with their pregnancies and with my sympathy. I cringe.

And their births - I don't know which I am more upset by - the good ones or the less than ideal ones. We ended up with a real doozy of a birth physically and emotionally and mentally, and then a week of NICU. I don't know if I am up for it again - except that I have so many regrets and would like a do-over - but then there is no guarantee we wouldn't have a worse outcome.

And our life? We had a difficult newborn that morphed into a high needs child. My sister had such an easy baby she sometimes had to remind herself that she had one. Hard to forget when you have barely put him down since his birth. Not that I want to - most days. And when I do there is Nana's house.

That's the last one - I would hate to take anything from him. We are happy and maybe we are done. I hint loudly that people should not expect a sibling from us, but I do have my doubts as well. I wonder if it would be harmful for him for me to drop out of this tribe in 6 years or 8 and decide then to have a second child. I wonder if there is a time limit.

For now we are in no hurry - and are completely in love with and happy with our little family. We just aren't making any permanent decisions about the future just yet. Glad to be here and enjoying the freedom having just one gives us!

Wow, it sounds like you certainly have a lot to think about! And FWIW, I wouldn't put a "time limit" on myself. Sounds like you are doing a good job appreciating your current situation.


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## Devaya

I do know one woman with only one child, a seven year old, who doesnt intend having more, but don't see her often. I guess bc our kids are such different ages...but it really seems like most women in the UK seem to have their kids very closely spaced, so I'm already being sort of 'left behind' as everyone around me joins the 'two kid family' club... I guess it only bothers me bc part of me WOULD like to have more, but I just don't think its feasible in light of my personality and needs for time and solitude...and those of my partner...and finances...it feels like I will 'lose' those friends who have more than one. But on the plus side I do have a friend who has two kids, and is fantastic, my 'mom mentor', and although she would happily have 6 kids, never makes it seem like having less is weird.

earthgirl, i know what you mean about the 'time limit'...i also don't want to have an only child for 6 years and then suddenly another one...so feel that I need to be sure about this within the next couple of years.


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## majikfaerie

I don't really see why there needs to be a time limit. kids come (or dont) when they come. if you know for sure you want another, then maybe you could plan how to space them, but if you think you don't want another, why have one just to make the spacing nice? wait till you're ready, no matter the age difference. every family is different, so you can't compare.
and I'll bet all the people out there with widely spaced kids would take offense at the suggestion that there's something wrong with them.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
So true! I guess there are always complainers - no matter how many kids one has. I have friends with 3+ who do all that too. I am in awe but do not envy.









Absolutely.


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## ecoteat

I don't think I've posted here before, but if I did it was ages ago. My dd is 2.5 and we are done. I had an amazingly beautiful pregnancy and birth and dd is wonderful and very smart (although she's always been a crummy sleeper), but we have no interest in doing t again. Two of my close friends who have kids the same age as dd are pregnant and I do not want to be in their position at all. We are quite content with our family of 3.

The other day I almost started a thread in family planning, but it just wasn't coming out coherently, so I'll try here. Have any of you had a tubal or V? I've realized I've never met any family with one child and permanent birth control. I have an IUD now and am finally happy with it after many months of my body adjusting, so that will probably be just fine for us for the long haul (I hope). I'm just curious how permanent other parents of onlies were in their decisions.


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## labdogs42

I'm new to the forums here today and I'm very excited to go back and read all 51 pages in this thread! I'm the mother of an only child, a boy, he will be 4 in February. I am also an only child. DH and I haven't done anything permanent yet in the birth control area, but I plan to go on Depo Provera again soon (I'm on the pill now). That's pretty close to permanent without either of us having to be cut open! I just feel like our family is complete with the three of us. My son is intelligent and spirited and it takes every ounce of my energy to deal with him some days. I just don't want to divide my attention any more. I'm sure some people think that's selfish, but I think it is sensible. I'm hoping some of you feel the same way, too!! Off to read a LOT of posts!!


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## Embee

Hey all,

No time to make a "real post" but I'm enjoying reading the "latest." I'm thrilled that this thread has been revived, and with such lovely and supportive posts. I can't wait to go back and read more "deeply" and respond in a more detailed way.

We're still dealing with "lizard issues" among others things, but we're getting a handle on it.







DS is going through a pretty cool phase right now, busy and quite independent in his play. He has recently been through a regression (needing a lot of connection), so it's always nice to see him "blossom" and grow after such a time. In fact, I've come to embrace the regressive periods anymore because they really do have a reason for happening, and are almost always followed by an expansion of one kind or another. Or as Gordon Neufeld would say:

Quote:

In order to foster independence, you must first invite dependence.
The best to all. Wonderful and thoughtful posts. Be back as soon as a I can to catch myself up. I've truly enjoyed having the support of other "parents of onlies." So, keep 'em coming!









Em


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ecoteat* 
The other day I almost started a thread in family planning, but it just wasn't coming out coherently, so I'll try here. Have any of you had a tubal or V? I've realized I've never met any family with one child and permanent birth control. I have an IUD now and am finally happy with it after many months of my body adjusting, so that will probably be just fine for us for the long haul (I hope). I'm just curious how permanent other parents of onlies were in their decisions.

I tried an IUD for around 8 months, but it didn't work out for me. A few months later, my husband had a vasectomy when our daughter was 16 months. She is now two months from three years old and we are still very happy with the decision we made. I just feel absolutely no desire to have more children and do not feel that will change.

Quote:

My son is intelligent and spirited and it takes every ounce of my energy to deal with him some days. I just don't want to divide my attention any more. I'm sure some people think that's selfish, but I think it is sensible.
No, you are right and I think it is a perfectly valid reason to stop.

Welcome to the tribe!


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
No, you are right and I think it is a perfectly valid reason to stop.

Welcome to the tribe!

I agree. and I think more than that, some might regard it as selfish to keep on having more kids just to follow convention.


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## crosscat

Happy to find this tribe, where I won't feel odd for wanting to focus all my energy and resources on one child.

I'm Catherine, 35, mother of 14 week old Calla. I had an awesome pregnancy, and a remarkably gentle hypnobirth, but I don't intend to do it all again.

Looking forward to getting to know you all.


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## earthgirl

DD had a vasectomy when DD was around 7 months old. We were just really sure. More later. DD needs me.


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## Indigo73

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ecoteat* 
The other day I almost started a thread in family planning, but it just wasn't coming out coherently, so I'll try here. Have any of you had a tubal or V? I've realized I've never met any family with one child and permanent birth control. I have an IUD now and am finally happy with it after many months of my body adjusting, so that will probably be just fine for us for the long haul (I hope). I'm just curious how permanent other parents of onlies were in their decisions.

We knew from the start the DS was going to be an only, so I had my tubal the day after he was born.


----------



## labdogs42

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
I tried an IUD for around 8 months, but it didn't work out for me. A few months later, my husband had a vasectomy when our daughter was 16 months. She is now two months from three years old and we are still very happy with the decision we made. I just feel absolutely no desire to have more children and do not feel that will change.

No, you are right and I think it is a perfectly valid reason to stop.

Welcome to the tribe!

Thanks for the welcome!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
I agree. and I think more than that, some might regard it as selfish to keep on having more kids just to follow convention.

Excellent point, too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Indigo73* 
We knew from the start the DS was going to be an only, so I had my tubal the day after he was born.

I wish I had done that. I even had a c-section -- they were already IN there! Darn!


----------



## labdogs42

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Embee* 
Hey all,

No time to make a "real post" but I'm enjoying reading the "latest." I'm thrilled that this thread has been revived, and with such lovely and supportive posts. I can't wait to go back and read more "deeply" and respond in a more detailed way.

We're still dealing with "lizard issues" among others things, but we're getting a handle on it.







DS is going through a pretty cool phase right now, busy and quite independent in his play. He has recently been through a regression (needing a lot of connection), so it's always nice to see him "blossom" and grow after such a time. In fact, I've come to embrace the regressive periods anymore because they really do have a reason for happening, and are almost always followed by an expansion of one kind or another. Or as Gordon Neufeld would say:

The best to all. Wonderful and thoughtful posts. Be back as soon as a I can to catch myself up. I've truly enjoyed having the support of other "parents of onlies." So, keep 'em coming!









Em

Speaking of regression, where can I read more about that? We're having a little potty training regression situation right now and I could use some advice. Where can I go?


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crosscat* 









Happy to find this tribe, where I won't feel odd for wanting to focus all my energy and resources on one child.

I'm Catherine, 35, mother of 14 week old Calla. I had an awesome pregnancy, and a remarkably gentle hypnobirth, but I don't intend to do it all again.

Looking forward to getting to know you all.











Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
DD had a vasectomy when DD was around 7 months old. We were just really sure. More later. DD needs me.

sorry, I know it's a typo but I had to









Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
Speaking of regression, where can I read more about that? We're having a little potty training regression situation right now and I could use some advice. Where can I go?

go to the parenting section of MDC (this thread is in parenting), and probably into the ages and stages subforum, choose which one suits your situation (toddlers or childhood years) and search through threads for 'potty training regression' or start a new thread)

that said, it's pretty normal for kids to go through a regression phase irt potty learning.


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## luna-belle

I'm Michelle. I'm going to be 29 and I live in Ontario, Canada. I have a absolutely wonderful 20 month old boy. I would have NEVER guessed that I would mother an only child but since shortly after his birth, I had made up my mind and dh doesn't seem to mind. We realize that nothing is written in stone and we're not ready to make the decision permanent with a v but I can't imagine it any other way.
DS was very very high needs as an infant. He probably still is as a toddler but now that he can run around, I'm relieved to be able to put him down once in a while. The first 8 weeks of his life were the hardest 8 weeks of mine. I promised myself during that period that if I survived his infancy, I'd never do that to myself or my family again. Everyone tries to tell me that "they're always different, the next one will be easy" but how can they say that for sure and why would they risk my sanity because of a stupid saying like that?
DS fills my heart completely and I feel no need for any more. I had an emptiness before he was here and it's been completely filled by him.
The sad part is, I really really really loved being pregnant and having a homebirth but I can always look at my pictures and cherish the memories.


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## nalo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *luna-belle* 
The sad part is, I really really really loved being pregnant and having a homebirth but I can always look at my pictures and cherish the memories.

I also feel that same benefit. I documented my pregnancy by journaling and taking pics (including AMAZING birth pics taken by our doula) and also wrote a very comprehensive birth story when DD was 4 months old (I read it today, in fact). I feel that I have so much "documentation" of the entire process that I can kind of re-live the whole experience, so to speak. Even when I forget certain things I have words and pics to remind me. We're still not even sure DD will be an only but it's sure feeling like that will be the case.


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## sapphos

Well I can't seem to find my other post that I made in the forum but I don't seem to remember anyone replying anyway







so I'm going to post again.

I have a sweet 2 year old daughter who was born when I was 40. I honestly never saw myself even having children having had such a screwed up childhood. Anyway, that changed after meeting my husband, albeit it took three years to let go of the "when it's the right time" excuse. I also never knew if it was possible since I had endometriosis which I had two surgeries for as well as a couple of other issues.

So here we are now. I got preggies with dd with barely even trying. Had a relatively good pregnancy in Argentina and had her there. the birth was a planned csection because I didn't have a lot of options around it there with my history.

Thanks to a good friend I met in Argentina I got turned onto MDC, ext bf, cosleeping etc and began a very cool journey with dh and dd.

A good portion of our first year was spent moving around so sometimes I feel cheated of the "baby" time and maybe that's what I'm pining for?

DH just turned 37 and I'm now 42. My parents passed away awhile ago and his parents are in their 60's and 70's. He's got one sibling and I have three brothers all much older and all with tons of issues hence why I live at the other end of the east coast.

I'm currently struggling with whether one really is just perfect. I worry that if anything happens to us that our dd won't have any family around. BUt then again I know having siblings actually doesn't guarantee they'll like and support each other anyway!

I have been trying to read all of the posts and am slowly working my way through. All you mamas have such wonderful insight and contributions to help those of us still stumbling along.

The funny part is that DH actualy could have easily posted many of your posts! He has talked about how we're financially not stable and probably won't be for awhile. We eat a pretty much organic diet which means a disproportionate amount of money on food for three people, and already eating out with three is a challenge. We want to travel and be able to expose Caitlyn to so much. And frankly, dh is not sure he wants to go through the trials of an infant again, and I don't totally want to jeopardize my nursing relationship that is still going on, particularly since dd is a very sensitive child who is very sensitive to changes in her surroundings. and then there is the ultimate worry, what if something every happened to DD but I don't even want to go there.

We do feel so much love for our little girl though that I always ask moms of bigger familes how they spread their love around. We're not sure if we really want to do that or not. And frankly, I'm not sure if I have the temprament to manage two kids - I get overwhelmed pretty easily.

incidentally, we plan to homeschool dd.

So here I am still thinking about all the benefits of having an only and for her, being an only.

I will keep on reading in the meantime
:thanks:


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## sapphos

oh yes and sometimes I think I'm just in love with the idea of being pregnant again. If I get pregnant again it will mean delaying some trips we're planning to take with dd as well as change so many dynamics...gee does that sound self centered?


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## majikfaerie

welcome sapphos


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## Mona

sapphos- i loved being pregnant and i also loved giving birth. if i could find away to do both without it yielding a baby, i'd be happy.









i do understand your "cravings"- i think hormones are powerful things. even though i only wanted one before dd was born, and she was such a shinny HUGE Being for me after she was born (really making me feel satisfied with one), i still had doubts about every 6-8 months, where i would go deep inside and re-evaluate everything. each time i would come out completely satisfied with our one.

i have not had to do that since becoming good friends of a mama with two highly sensitive kids ---- she is birth control for me. of course she loves her youngest child, but she also has the sense to say that looking back she wishes she'd stopped at one.
i know my limitations, and i personally do not want to have two highly sensitive children. i LOVE my highly sensitive daughter with all of my Being.







: If i had another child, sensitive or not, that would take away part of my being. There's no other way of looking at it for me.









Anyway, hth.


----------



## sapphos

thanks for the welcome









I found it funny to see what everyone talked about in action last night...I posted to my facebook that I was wondering if "one really was the perfect number...as in one child" and I've already gotten three comments from people that nooooo you have to have more, including one from a guy from my high school who I don't even know why I added, but he said...get this...I have found onlies (ESPECIALLY GIRLS!) to be a major problem, two is worse, three gets better and four is the best because they can pair up at Disney World ????? grrr I have a girl...

anyway, I already see the writing on the wall there.


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## Sonnenwende

If I had four kids, we couldn't afford to go to Disney World. Beyond that, that is one of the dumbest reasons for having more I have ever read. Where did he receive this fantastic knowledge of only children, especially girls, being awful? Out of his rear end?

LOL, I would remove him from my friend's list. You said he wasn't anyone you really could be bothered with anyway.


----------



## velochic

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ecoteat* 
I'm just curious how permanent other parents of onlies were in their decisions.

I had a tubal right after having dd. I don't regret it at all. I will say, though, that dh and I had a long courtship and really made sure we had all of our ducks in a row (including financial) before having a baby. By that time, we were both older... dh was almost 50 by the time we had a baby... and knew that we wanted an only. It makes a difference when you're nearing 40 or 50 years old vs. when you're 20. When you're younger, you could end up in subsequent marriages due to divorce or death and want to have children again.

In deciding to surgically opt out of more kids, finances had something to do with it, too, I'll admit. We are world travelers and dh's family is across the pond. Dd has visited 12 countries before she was even 5 years old and lived abroad... we could have never done that with more kids. We had a specific education in mind for dd's younger years that include private school. We both are adamant to live a debt-free life. More than one kid would have meant making compromises with dd's life that we simply were not prepared to make. Selfish? Not at all... in fact it's our generosity of making sure that dd has every advantage we can give her that gave us the incentive to make our decision "permanent".


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## ReadingMama

A major benefit of having one child was revealed to me on a week long trip out of state with a friend and her 3 kids.







I learned that 2 moms + 4 kids + 1 van = CHAOS! I'm just not used to it. I love her kids, but it was hard for me to handle all the fighting and noise and demands. I'm just used to a quieter, more peaceful environment. Sibling rivalry drove my mom nuts when my brother and I were kids and I just thought she didn't like kids... Now I know why it bothered her so much. I am not a yeller or a spanker--but I turned into a drill sergeant that week. It was crowd control!









I'm not sure if it's that I'm not temperamentally suited to raising multiple children, or whether it's just that I'm not used to it and I'd get used to it over time if I had more than one.


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## yentroc

Hi mamas,

I've been lurking this thread for some time now.







I can't remember if I ever posted on here...

I'm the mama to an almost 4 year old dd. She's just the love of our lives, I adore her.

In my heart of hearts I know that one child is best for our family for many reasons, all of the reasons that you all illustrated so well.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my pregnancy experience would be my only one if we do indeed choose to not have another child.

It sounds like many of you had the pregnancy/delivery experience you wanted... for those that didn't, how do you make peace with your less-than-favorable experience?

In my case, I *think* I would have really enjoyed pregnancy, but feel I was "cheated" out of a good experience by unfortunate circumstances. My husband was in a terrible accident my 15th week of preg. and was hospitalized nearly the rest of the pregnancy. (he's miraculously ok now) I've made peace with the fact that it "was what it was" but the fact that it was my pregnancy experience is such a bummer.

That being said, I haven't wanted to get pregnant again since dd was born. I had a really difficult post partum experience (maybe due to the trauma, who knows) and I do not want to repeat that and many other things that go along with babyhood. I sort of feel finished with so much of the baby experience.


----------



## SweetPotato

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cortneydc* 
It sounds like many of you had the pregnancy/delivery experience you wanted... for those that didn't, how do you make peace with your less-than-favorable experience?

With all the mc's, surgery, etc., I was SO thrilled about finally being pregnant- that had felt like an end to itself- getting past 8 weeks- I was really psyched about getting big and cute and just enjoying the experience. At my 20 week ultrasond they noticed that my cervix was alarmingly short-- and I spent the next 4 months on bedrest. While I have no desires to have another baby, I do occasionally find myself jealous of some of the pregnancy joys that I also feel cheated out of. I have a friend who finally got pg after a stretch of time worrying about her fertility, and I've been so happy for her-- but then I got the baby shower invitation in the mail-- for some reason that really triggered something in me, since I never got to have one myself (we had a sort of one after dd was born, but it's just not the same I guess as going all round and filled with the anticipation of birth, etc., you know?) I had one month- from 36 weeks on- when I was let off bedrest, dd didn't fall out







- that I got to enjoy being pregnant. I'll admit that I'm still bummed about it-- I definitely feel cheated- that it's not fair, etc.-- but I also don't want to do it again. My doc s say there wouldn't be the bedrest, hopefully my mc issues are resolved, but I don't know if I'm capable of being pg and not being consumed with worry. I'm truthfully afraid of having a repeat of either the pregnancy or the delivery-- I'm so relieved that both dd and I survived it that I just want to enjoy our world.


----------



## yentroc

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
With all the mc's, surgery, etc., I was SO thrilled about finally being pregnant- that had felt like an end to itself- getting past 8 weeks- I was really psyched about getting big and cute and just enjoying the experience. At my 20 week ultrasond they noticed that my cervix was alarmingly short-- and I spent the next 4 months on bedrest. While I have no desires to have another baby, I do occasionally find myself jealous of some of the pregnancy joys that I also feel cheated out of. I have a friend who finally got pg after a stretch of time worrying about her fertility, and I've been so happy for her-- but then I got the baby shower invitation in the mail-- for some reason that really triggered something in me, since I never got to have one myself (we had a sort of one after dd was born, but it's just not the same I guess as going all round and filled with the anticipation of birth, etc., you know?) I had one month- from 36 weeks on- when I was let off bedrest, dd didn't fall out







- that I got to enjoy being pregnant. I'll admit that I'm still bummed about it-- I definitely feel cheated- that it's not fair, etc.-- but I also don't want to do it again. My doc s say there wouldn't be the bedrest, hopefully my mc issues are resolved, but I don't know if I'm capable of being pg and not being consumed with worry. I'm truthfully afraid of having a repeat of either the pregnancy or the delivery-- I'm so relieved that both dd and I survived it that I just want to enjoy our world.

Thanks for sharing Sweet Potato, I can relate so much. I also get jealous of women who have the joyful happy pregnancy that I didn't have. But I guess not jealous enough to want to repeat it, which is strange to me. It's that deep sadness about my experience (the "cheated" feeling) that I'm having a hard time working through. I need to get more into the attitude that you just mentioned - "I just want to enjoy our world together". Thanks.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
When you're younger, you could end up in subsequent marriages due to divorce or death and want to have children again.

I just can't see that happening to me. I doubt I would even seriously consider dating anyone with more than one kid. Part of the make or break criteria would be that he either wants no children or no more children. I simply have zero interest in more children, either with my husband or with anyone else.


----------



## boatbaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ReadingMama* 
A major benefit of having one child was revealed to me on a week long trip out of state with a friend and her 3 kids.







I learned that 2 moms + 4 kids + 1 van = CHAOS! I'm just not used to it. I love her kids, but it was hard for me to handle all the fighting and noise and demands. I'm just used to a quieter, more peaceful environment. Sibling rivalry drove my mom nuts when my brother and I were kids and I just thought she didn't like kids... Now I know why it bothered her so much. I am not a yeller or a spanker--but I turned into a drill sergeant that week. It was crowd control!









I'm not sure if it's that I'm not temperamentally suited to raising multiple children, or whether it's just that I'm not used to it and I'd get used to it over time if I had more than one.

Your post made me laugh. I feel like this after being with my 2+, 3+ kids friends, especially when we jump in their mini van. The bickering drives me insane!!! I just don't think I have it in me to be a referee the rest of my life.







: My multiple mama friends say the moments of tenderness between siblings make it worthwhile. But I think I'll take my tenderness with little friends who go home at the end of the day.


----------



## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cortneydc* 
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my pregnancy experience would be my only one if we do indeed choose to not have another child.

It sounds like many of you had the pregnancy/delivery experience you wanted... for those that didn't, how do you make peace with your less-than-favorable experience?

I sometimes come up against that wall too. My pregnancy was physically easy, though I was a bit crazy and kept on backpacking, passing through 9 countries while I was pregnant, on 3 continents. but my labour and birth were hugely difficult (60 hours of labour). and I can see how many things I did "wrong", and now that I know what I'm talking about, I would so love to give birth again and do it "right". I would dearly love to be pg again, and give birth again.
BUT that is NOT a good enough reason, IMO, to have another child. because once I got that hit of the pg and birthing, there's the consequence of the baby, which isn't just a baby, but a toddler, and a preschooler, and a child, and a pre-teen and a teen (lord help us!) and a young adult, and all the everything that goes with it.

so I remind myself of all the reasons not to have another child (financial responsibility, environmental impact, lifestyle changes, all the sleepless nights and poopy diapers and crying, sibling rivalry...) and get my birthing fix vicariously though my work (I'm a MW)


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
Your post made me laugh. I feel like this after being with my 2+, 3+ kids friends, especially when we jump in their mini van. The bickering drives me insane!!! I just don't think I have it in me to be a referee the rest of my life.







: My multiple mama friends say the moments of tenderness between siblings make it worthwhile. But I think I'll take my tenderness with little friends who go home at the end of the day.









Heh. I have a brother and a sister. I remember little of my childhood with them where we all weren't fighting about something. My sister and I have extremely different personalities and we can't take each other, even as adults, in more than limited doses. My brother and I mostly get along. I can't say I really regret not giving my daughter siblings. In some ways, I see it as saving HER a lot of hassle.


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## marimara

Oh no! One of our closer couple friends who was pregnant along with me, are now expecting their second. She asked me on Facebook if we are planning on having another?!?? I haven't replied yet.







: So now I guess I have to "come out"







in front of all our friends. Who all have more than one kid if they have any.


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## widemouthedfrog

cortneydc, I had an easy pregnancy to about 26 weeks, when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, moved into my parents' house, acted as a general contractor to renovate our current townhouse, worked full time, and everything generally went to heck. It was fun.









I am not overly hooked on pregnancy ... I was a take it or leave it, my body is doing what comes naturally, pregnancy is a means to an end kind of person. Until my body stopped working properly.

For me, having another pregnancy would be difficult from the beginning, unlike my first one. So I don't relish the idea of getting pregnant again.

In your situation the desire to have a pregnancy that isn't changed by difficult circumstances is totally normal. I'm glad your dh is doing well now!


----------



## alexisyael

Well, my husband decided against getting a vasectomy this past winter break (he's a professor, so he wants to do it when he has time for recovery). We had a very nice talk about it -- we're both still thinking one, but... slightly more open to the possibility of one more than we were before. So, I'd say 80% sure we're having an only instead of 99% like we were last summer!

(The difference is our marriage is blossoming again now that I'm not depressed anymore.)

But you know? All the other things about not having another? Are still there: all the ones majik said, plus my (fairly low) patience levels, not being able to be as attentive to two children... and so. I think we're still only having one.

(I did have a great pregnancy and a fairly great birth, too. The birth is much greater in retrospect, of course, as the memory of the pain fades LOL. But it was a typical first time birth, 12 hours at home, 2 hours pushing... he was born on a birth stool at the foot of our bed on Mother's Day. Could another birth top that story? Probably not! LOL)


----------



## NYCVeg

I had an easy pregnancy and a great birth experience, but a HORRIFIC first 6 months or so (PPD, numerous extreme nursing problems, plus we didn't yet know about dd's severe food allergies...). So although I did get the good pregnancy and birth, I did not have any of the wonderful newborn, bonding experience--we were just in survival mode. Although I am sure about not having another child, I do sometimes get wistful when I hear friends talk glowingly about their newborns.

BUT. Having another child would not guarantee that I would get to experience that. The experience could, in fact, be just as bad or worse. To me, having another to get a good pregnancy/birth experience is as irrational as having another because you want your first child to have a "playmate" to be "close to." In both cases, you're gambling--the pregnancy/birth could be wonderful, or it could be worse; your kids could be wonderful playmates, or they could spend every minute fighting. IMHO, the only good reason to have a child--first, second, or any other--is because mom and dad WANT a(nother) child. Not to get a do-over. Not as a "gift" for child one.


----------



## earthgirl

I had an easy pregnancy and amazing delivery. Sometimes I get really sad that I won't have that part of it again. But like PP have said, there's no guarantees that another pregnancy/delivery would be the same. In fact, I'm sure pregnancy would be more difficult b/c I don't know how it could be easy to be pregnant while taking care of a child. And anyway, I do not want to do the newborn thing again. EVER. It was too hard on me, too hard on my marriage, and although I enjoyed the love fest w/ DD, it wasn't enough to make me feel like it needed to be repeated. And of course, the love fest continues on.









And on a different note, I finally got asked when I was going to give DD a sibling.







Guess I'm an official member of the club now.


----------



## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
Who all have more than one kid if they have any.

I wonder how many would have just stopped at one, but caved to the pressure to have another. You know, now you have one, so you just HAVE to have two, or else he/she will become one of those weird, spoiled only children.


----------



## marimara

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
I wonder how many would have just stopped at one, but caved to the pressure to have another. You know, now you have one, so you just HAVE to have two, or else he/she will become one of those weird, spoiled only children.

That's so true. Especially the one who asked me! I really think that maybe she would have stopped at one if she wasn't so uncomfortable with non-conformity. So now I have to come up with a nice way of saying to this pregnant w/second woman, that no we are happy with are family of 3! I mean she's pregnant so I don't want to rattle off my many reasons so I guess I'll just say it succinctly-No we won't be trying for anymore, we are happy with our little family of 3!


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:

I really think that maybe she would have stopped at one if she wasn't so uncomfortable with non-conformity.
That's too bad, but obviously, her life, her choice. I hope you don't get any slack from her about how kids just need siblings.


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## SweetPotato

I think with a lot of people I know, it's not so much that they're "caving" in to the pressure to have 2- but more just that having one child doesn't really occur to them. It's almost like there's an attitude that either you don't want kids or you "love kids" and thus want more than one--- I just don't think many people give the idea of having one child a lot of consideration (and so often it seems that people get into having #2 SO quickly that they don't really get much time to experience life with one child)

Does anyone else find themselves feeling defensive or even slightly guilty about your desire to not have more children? We're going through a trying time with our dd right now (3yo and dropping naps- ugh), and I can't help but feel like , if I complain about anything, it will be taken that I dislike motherhood or don't love dd enough and that's why I don't want to have another. I know that that's all just my worry about how people on the outside might perceive us and thus not very important-- but I do wonder if I would be as set on an only if dd had been a less demanding baby/toddler-- and then I feel guilty because it almost feels like, by deciding that I don't want another, that I'm somehow dissing her?-- does that make any sense?


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## Indigo73

Maybe because I never really intended to have ANY children, my having had just one does not in any way make me feel guilty... (except a touch when my nearly 7 ds starts asking to be a big brother on a semi regular basis







that kid loves babies).

I am beyond excited, blessed, wowed that the universe allowed my body to overcome the stacked deck to make ds possible, but he, himself is a blessing. I have friends who are amazing attentive, creative, organized parents of 5, 8 and yes one with 13 blessings.

But for us, the three of us just flat works. I make not excuses. Any comments (which are rare for us) are ignored as unimportant.

Of course, I wallow in my non-conformity and weirdness, so there you go.


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## Sonnenwende

You could also be right about that. People just don't think about stopping at one because it simply never occurs to them to do so.

I will occasionally feel defensive about not wanting more children, but never really guilty. I think it is ultimately for the best that my husband and I decided to not have any more children. Occasionally, I may occasionally think that it is unfortunate that my daughter will have no relatives close to her in age, but it is not responsible of me either to have children I don't really want for that reason alone, so the twinge of guilt is gone.

My daughter was a great infant/toddler/soon-to-be preschooler and I still don't want any more, so I can't really relate. Still you might have felt the same way if you had other reasons for wanting an only besides you had a bad experience with your daughter. I mean for me, there is no one reason why I decided to stop with my daughter. There are about a thousand.


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## SweetPotato

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
My daughter was a great infant/toddler/soon-to-be preschooler and I still don't want any more, so I can't really relate. Still you might have felt the same way if you had other reasons for wanting an only besides you had a bad experience with your daughter.

You nailed it on the head exactly (but perhaps unintentionally!) There's a huge difference in my mind between me saying that our experience has been challenging and someone else hearing that as me saying that our experience was bad-- does that make any sense? I could climb Mt Everest and it could be the most challenging, demanding, gratifying, uplifting, satisfying, and glorious undertaking of my life-- and I may very well feel that I didn't need to do it again-- and I'd hate for anyone to take me not trying to repeat it as meaning that I thought it was unpleasant or bad or not worth doing. I love my dd with all of my soul- and I feel guilty that others might perceive our not wanting more as a reflection of how we feel about her-- which would be really inaccurate. As you said- we also have a gazillion reasons for wanting to stop with one (and we certainly wouldn't change our dd for the world-- she pretty much rocks just as she is-- and we probably wouldn't know what to do with an "easy" kid!)


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:

I could climb Mt Everest and it could be the most challenging, demanding, gratifying, uplifting, satisfying, and glorious undertaking of my life-- and I may very well feel that I didn't need to do it again-- and I'd hate for anyone to take me not trying to repeat it as meaning that I thought it was unpleasant or bad or not worth doing.
That's basically how I feel about it. I've done it once and that is enough for me. Doesn't mean that it was all bad, just I don't feel the need to do it again. To use your example, climbing Mt. Everest was fantastic, but it also broke my bank to spend all the money on tickets to Nepal, buy all the gear, take 6 months off of work to train for the climb, etc. Maybe I would do it again in theory, but now I have other important goals for the future I want to work hard on meeting.


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## majikfaerie

I've been to Mt Everest. (just to the bottom on the Tibetan side, haven't climbed it







) It's not all that it's cracked up to be.









love your new sig line sonnenwende


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## yentroc

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
You nailed it on the head exactly (but perhaps unintentionally!) There's a huge difference in my mind between me saying that our experience has been challenging and someone else hearing that as me saying that our experience was bad-- does that make any sense? I could climb Mt Everest and it could be the most challenging, demanding, gratifying, uplifting, satisfying, and glorious undertaking of my life-- and I may very well feel that I didn't need to do it again-- and I'd hate for anyone to take me not trying to repeat it as meaning that I thought it was unpleasant or bad or not worth doing. I love my dd with all of my soul- and I feel guilty that others might perceive our not wanting more as a reflection of how we feel about her-- which would be really inaccurate. As you said- we also have a gazillion reasons for wanting to stop with one (and we certainly wouldn't change our dd for the world-- she pretty much rocks just as she is-- and we probably wouldn't know what to do with an "easy" kid!)

I come up with this internal argument as well. Becoming a mother has been all of the things you mentioned and I love it more than I can express... but then I sometimes think that others will perceive that if I don't choose to have another child, I must not like mothering...


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## yentroc

PS. Thank you all for giving me insight into your coming to terms with your experiences. It's so nice to feel supported on this thread. I don't know many mamas to onlies... I work with children and families and most have MANY kids.


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## sapphos

I wish I could find more time to sit down and read more previous pages but for now I'm just doing a little at a time.

I've been sharing many of your thoughts though with dh and it's amazing how much he (and sort of begrudgingly) and I agree. We've been talking about the possibility that if we changed our feelings later that we could always adopt. We just had a tough day yesterday followed by a 5:30 am rising today (dd is a late riser usually) and then had to get up and try to catch up on our business now that my mother in law has gone. We talked about how we couldn't really imagine going through all the rough nights again. We cosleep and I still nurse and there are plenty of nights that are still tough.

Also, I can't remember who said it but travel is huge for us also. We are supposed to be going to Spain this summer to see my mother in law. And I really want to get a couple of bikes so we can all start riding...both of those would be nixed if I was to get pregnant right now. These are things we really want to do with dd and if there is another little person in the mix (plus the 9months of pregnancy), I just think the quality for all of us will suffer.

oh and did I mention I had ADD so already keeping our house somewhat normal and trying to help dh run a business plus four pets stresses me out majorly!


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## marimara

For any Facebookers out there, there is a Parents of Only Children group, I just joined!


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## sapphos

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
For any Facebookers out there, there is a Parents of Only Children group, I just joined!

how funny, I saw a new post and thought you know I want to know who's on facebook







but didn't expect this. off to join. and if anyone wants to add me to facebook look me up under zurrolaur at yahoo dot fr


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## labdogs42

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
For any Facebookers out there, there is a Parents of Only Children group, I just joined!

Cool! I was wondering if there was a FB group. Off to join!


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## Caneel

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
Heh. I have a brother and a sister. I remember little of my childhood with them where we all weren't fighting about something. My sister and I have extremely different personalities and we can't take each other, even as adults, in more than limited doses. My brother and I mostly get along. I can't say I really regret not giving my daughter siblings. In some ways, I see it as saving HER a lot of hassle.

In my head, I have this fantasy that if DS had a brother (or sister) that they would be the best of friends and later in life, their families would be super close, etc.

But I realize it is a fantasy and wishing it won't make it come true. Even in the best of situations, there is no guaranty DS and a sibling would maintain a close connection throughout life.

Even in the "close" families we know, I see siblings that have little in common with each other and really aren't at all close.

This is probably the tied for #1 in "am I having regrets" department.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tumblingstar* 
For any Facebookers out there, there is a Parents of Only Children group, I just joined!

Thanks!


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## majikfaerie

facebook is seriously nasty. their terms of service state that they own all your information and can use it as they wish (sell it, store it, give it to the govt, use it in advertising, whatever).


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## Sonnenwende

Didn't they just try to ban breastfeeding pics for being offensive?


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## nalo

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
facebook is seriously nasty. their terms of service state that they own all your information and can use it as they wish (sell it, store it, give it to the govt, use it in advertising, whatever).

Okay. Just have to jump in and say let's not make the only child thread a place for facebook debate please. Obviously, if you don't like facebook you don't have to join but let's not debate it here.


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## Molck

Here, I'll start us going in a new direction (I've been lurking for a couple weeks-- read through a bit of the old discussion, but not all of it, so maybe this is a repeat question. Sorry!)

The question: Did you think you would have more than one, and you changed your mind after your LO was born? What made you change your mind? When did you know for sure (or for mostly-sure) that you were done?

I ask because DH and I always planned to have two, but now that DS is here, I just don't want to do it all again for many reasons. People keep telling me that this one-and-done thing is just a phase because I'm so tired, that I'll want another soon. I'm hoping to hear from some people who didn't!


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## ceilydhmama

I'm not sure when I decided. I think before she was born I was still open to two - in fact I always assumed I'd have two kids. But as she got older I realized we were perfect as a family of three. I had a pregnancy scare when she was two and realized I felt nothing but cold dread - and complete relief when it turned out I wasn't pregnant.

DH had a V shortly after that and we haven't looked back.


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## earthgirl

We decided before DD was born, and we each had different reasons. But, now that she's here I feel like we really made the right decision. I can't really explain it, it's just this feeling like our family is complete. I don't feel like I need anymore than this. I was an only, so maybe I'm just relishing in the joy of recreating the mother-daughter bond. And of course, there are all of the other reasons that people lists for having an only, and I totally get it now that I'm living it- mainly not wanting to take time away from DD.


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## mama2zoe

I always thought I wanted two and we planned on having two - before I had dd. The reality of being a mother was much different than I had imagined. It was much more difficult and life-changing than I thought it would be and also the intensity of the love I had for dd was much stronger than I ever could have believed possible. I think it was the intensity of it that first made me hesitant to do it again. We actually tried half-heartedly for awhile. I also had a month where I thought I was pg and it scared the living daylights out of me. I couldn't believe it! I thought I had convinced myself I wanted another one (although I didn't have the same feeling about it as I did when I wanted dd) and dh was onboard, but when I actually thought I might be pregnant I was terrified. That was when we decided we should stay a one child family (dd was 3). If I'm honest I'd say I had thoughts about her remaining an only from the moment she was born...it just took me awhile to get out of the two kid mindset and to realize that I wasn't doing dd a disservice by not having another child. I become more and more confident of our decision every day. I LOVE having an only and as she gets older the benefits of having an only just get better.


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## Sonnenwende

We both thought we would have more, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for us. My husband said that he wanted lots of kids but then we had our daughter and he changed his mind once he realized how much work it really is to have a child.









I never wanted lots of kids, maybe one or two.

If the vasectomy failed, we're open to another one.


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
Didn't they just try to ban breastfeeding pics for being offensive?









yep (and I'm not debating anything, just stating facts.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Molck* 
Here, I'll start us going in a new direction (I've been lurking for a couple weeks-- read through a bit of the old discussion, but not all of it, so maybe this is a repeat question. Sorry!)

The question: Did you think you would have more than one, and you changed your mind after your LO was born? What made you change your mind? When did you know for sure (or for mostly-sure) that you were done?

I ask because DH and I always planned to have two, but now that DS is here, I just don't want to do it all again for many reasons. People keep telling me that this one-and-done thing is just a phase because I'm so tired, that I'll want another soon. I'm hoping to hear from some people who didn't!

once I had dd, it seemed obvious that i'd have more. y'know, once you have one, you have to have at least one more, if not a few.







I figured I'd go with about a 3-4 year age gap, because, y'know, that's the ideal child-spacing















it didn't really occur to me that one would choose to have an only. but I did know that I wanted to wait till I was really ready to have another, and that my next child would be planned. but as time went on, and dd's 3rd and then 4th bday came and went with me still in the "I'm not ready to have another yet" mindset, I came to realise that I don't actually want more. and there's sooooo many arguments against having more kids, and in my mind, only one real reason *to* have children; which is that you really want to have a child. and I don't. and there you are.


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## Kayaking Mama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
...only one real reason *to* have children; which is that you really want to have a child. and I don't. and there you are.









That's how I feel exactly. Once in a while I start to get swayed by the arguments about how much L would benefit from having a sibling, but then I think, "but I don't actually WANT to have another one" and that's really the most important thing!


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama2zoe* 
I become more and more confident of our decision every day. I LOVE having an only and as she gets older the benefits of having an only just get better.

Yep.

Some people talk about people 'missing' from their family, but to be honest, I really don't think there is anyone missing. I think our family is very complete and fine the way it is. The older my daughter gets, the more obvious this fact seems to become.


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## Molck

Have you guys seen this? http://onlychildproject.com/

I haven't had time to read through it yet, but it looks interesting.


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## sapphos

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Molck* 
Have you guys seen this? http://onlychildproject.com/

I haven't had time to read through it yet, but it looks interesting.

it does look interesting!

btw i've begun to read bill mckibben's book, very interesting also


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## sapphos

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Molck* 
Have you guys seen this? http://onlychildproject.com/

I haven't had time to read through it yet, but it looks interesting.

okay I read through some of the posts and some of the articles and I have to say I'm so glad we have our little MDC forum! I find this form infinitely more beneficial than anything else I've come across yet. Thanks ladies







:


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## widemouthedfrog

It's funny, looking through the Only Child Project site I found an article on guilt about your only playing alone. The statement was that only children need time playing alone. I spent hour upon hour playing alone as a child, and I loved it. I've never seen that as a problem. I see it as a skill to develop and enjoy.

If I'd been engaged in play with my sister and brother all of the time I would have been exhausted, especially as someone with introverted tendencies.


----------



## PPK

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
It's funny, looking through the Only Child Project site I found an article on guilt about your only playing alone. The statement was that only children need time playing alone. I spent hour upon hour playing alone as a child, and I loved it. I've never seen that as a problem. I see it as a skill to develop and enjoy.

If I'd been engaged in play with my sister and brother all of the time I would have been exhausted, especially as someone with introverted tendencies.

I can relate to that article because I have felt guilt sometimes when I see ds play alone..I tend to start to feel bad for him thinking he might grow up lonely. Reading that article helped me remember how important it is to be able to learn to be with yourself, hence, never feeling lonely. So for me, that artice was pretty useful.

I always had my sister growing up and we had a fairly small home and a shared bedroom through our teens. I felt like I never had any personal space or time alone. It bothered me to some extent growing up, but when I hit my mid-twenties I realized that I never learned to be comfortable with myself alone. It took a good bit of adjustment on my part and was really uncomfortable and weird at first..I actually had no idea what to do with myself. Up until that point I always avoided personal alone-time and sought out friends to fill the time. Learning to be alone is an invaluable skill and something I feel alot of people might not have the opportunity to learn during childhood if they come from a larger family.

Great website, I like that..thanks!


----------



## Maluhia

I love seeing DDs ability to entertain herself, how she can come up with such creativity, etc. and how comfortable she is in her own skin. It is something that took me almost 30 years to learn!


----------



## mckennasmomma

Quote:

The reality of being a mother was much different than I had imagined. It was much more difficult and life-changing than I thought it would be and also the intensity of the love I had for dd was much stronger than I ever could have believed possible.
I can really relate to both parts of this statement. I love being my daughter's mother, but wow it is tough!


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## Pookietooth

My ds generally will not play alone for very long. If I'm not there playing with him, or he doesn't have a friend over, he will watch TV or sometimes play computer games (although he usually wants help with those). It's the only way I can get anything done. Do you guys just force the issue -- tell your dc to play and not watch TV? (or maybe you don't have TVs?). I worry that my ds will never learn to play alone.


----------



## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
My ds generally will not play alone for very long. Do you guys just force the issue -- tell your dc to play and not watch TV? (or maybe you don't have TVs?). I worry that my ds will never learn to play alone.

I think that it depends on the age and inclinations of your child. My daughter is somewhat introverted and she is now 3 1/2, so she's getting into imaginative play.

She's also never been one to get into really dangerous situations if I leave her in another room. She doesn't seem to have an affinity for poking sharp objects into herself or eating things that are dangerous. That said, we don't have a lot of sharp objects and dangerous things to eat, though we do have slippery stairs. I taught her to go up and down the stairs safely and I did spot her for quite a while. She uses things like knives with supervision, though I'm ok leaving her with scissors, since she's never been too interested in doing things other than cutting paper.

Our kitchen looks out into our living room, and until the last 6 months she was happy playing in there, coming into the kitchen, helping me with something, playing in the kitchen....

She was always on my back when I did chores and I have always involved her in chores. If she gets bored with them, I suggest that she go off and do something...like playing with her lego. Now she just goes off by herself and does things. She'll be on another level of the house (we have 3 small floors) and I feel fairly secure about her. Usually I can hear her talking anyway - to the cats or her dolls.

I do play with her off and on, and we definitely go out and do things together. However, since I have wonderful memories of solitary play as a child, I have no problems leaving her to do that.

We also have a good neighbourhood of kids and a safe spot to play in front of our house (no cars), so she's been playing outside in sight since before she was three. She plays with the other, older children.

I think that it also depends on the pattern you've set up. Dd and I have a rhythm of going out, doing things, coming back, she helps me and plays on her own, we play together. Dh plays with dd constantly when he is home, so she always asks him to play with her.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
My ds generally will not play alone for very long. If I'm not there playing with him, or he doesn't have a friend over, he will watch TV or sometimes play computer games (although he usually wants help with those). It's the only way I can get anything done. Do you guys just force the issue -- tell your dc to play and not watch TV? (or maybe you don't have TVs?). I worry that my ds will never learn to play alone.

My experience is much like widemouthedfrog's. Dd is naturally a very independent player and has an unbelievable attention span. She's 2.5 and can easily entertain herself for an hour. (She's been known to sit in a lap and listen to stories for over two hours at a stretch.)

We don't have a TV, so I think that does help, insofar as she knows that there is nothing around that will "entertain her" without her putting in some effort. We've paid attention to what she likes and try to keep some high-value items in reserve for days when she's stir crazy--she really likes stickers/sticker books, for example, so I have a hidden stash upstairs in case boredom sets in. Grandma got her a dollhouse for the holidays, and although I initially thought she was probably too young for it, it's been an amazing source of entertainment for her--she can play with it for ages. She also likes drawing and simple arts-and-crafts kits.

When I need to get things done, she "helps" me/tags along--she helps unload the dishes, she pulls the clothes out of the laundry basket so I can fold them, she uses her little broom to sweep while I'm using the big broom. She helps me cook.

We also try to mix the days up a lot, so that she's not just at home all the time (which tends to make her, understandably, bored with the stuff at home). We go to the park and for walks, she goes to school three mornings a week, we take cheap classes at a local rec center, etc. We also have a number of distinct playspaces at home--her room, the living room, the basement, the backyard. That way she's not just hanging out in one space all day and gets a change of scenery.

One other thing to consider is an inexpensive mother's helper (high school or college student). Although I certainly don't think dd "needs" a sibling, I do think she benefits from being around a lot of different people (unlike mama, she's very extroverted) and I think it can be helpful to parents to get a break and focus on their own stuff.


----------



## Pookietooth

My ds is almost six, and still doesn't want to be in his room alone. We live in a small apartment, so it's not like I couldn't hear him if he called me. He has never been one to do dangerous things, either, so it's not that I don't trust him to be away from me -- he doesn't want to be away from me. Unless he is watching TV, then he will stay in the living room while I'm in the kitchen or bathroom or on the computer in our bedroom. But if I say no to the TV, he will expect me to entertain him. He used to help me in the kitchen when he was younger, and still does occasionally, but not nearly as often. I think it bores him. Maybe it's because he's a boy, or maybe it's the sensory integration issues, but he has never been able to sit still for long. He always has to move, even when I'm reading to him. He will either do acrobatics in the bed if we are reading in the bed, or if we are reading in the living room, he will run around and jump around. But he's still listening, so it's not as though his attention span is that small.


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## Indigo73

I think playing alone is very individual. My nearly 7 DS has been able to occupy himself for years now. He is still very much into imagination play on his own. Even when he wants me in the room, he doesn't necessarily want me to play, just be there. When he was 4, he used to try to pick up my knitting basket and move me to where ever he wanted to play so that I'd knit while he doing his own thing.

We don't have cable, but have quite the video game and movie collection. But he is just as happy playing with his action figures and will go days without turning on the television.

Growing up, I was like this. While my younger brother would absolutely drive me up a wall because he needed someone to entertain him. He still calls me up when he's bored.


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## BlackSheepPDX

34 year old mother of a glorious 19 month old, no plans for more. Got a copper IUD when she was 4 months old so I could stay off any hormones. DH would get a V, but I'm nervous about making those kind of decisions. Besides, we managed not to get pregnant for 6 years of marriage (13 of being together), and immediately conceived when we tried, so I'm pretty confident we can manage just fine without getting sterilized.









I'm an only, and can confidently say I learned all the important social lessons with kids outside my family, and I don't feel deprived.

I adore my family of three and look forward to wonderful adventures together.

'CAUSE "threee-eeee is the magic number.....oh yeah it is.....a man and a woman had a little baby....there were threeeeee in the family"


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## majikfaerie

welcome blacksheeppdx


----------



## lisac77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Molck* 
Here, I'll start us going in a new direction (I've been lurking for a couple weeks-- read through a bit of the old discussion, but not all of it, so maybe this is a repeat question. Sorry!)

The question: Did you think you would have more than one, and you changed your mind after your LO was born? What made you change your mind? When did you know for sure (or for mostly-sure) that you were done?

I ask because DH and I always planned to have two, but now that DS is here, I just don't want to do it all again for many reasons. People keep telling me that this one-and-done thing is just a phase because I'm so tired, that I'll want another soon. I'm hoping to hear from some people who didn't!

We always thought we would have two. In fact, I told people when I was pregnant with (now 5.5-year-old) DS that I would never have just one child.







Oh how the tables turned on me in that case!

I had a really rough, unplanned pregnancy. DH was not ready to be a parent at the time. He felt the need to "blame" me for the pregnancy. So I went through that whole ordeal of a pregnancy with zero support from him. Then when DS came he cried for hours and hours every day. Eventually we learned he had reflux. Then he started teething and cried even more. Between the reflux and the teething he didn't sleep until he was almost 4 years old, and he wasn't potty trained until he was 4.5

When DS was 18 months old my DH bought a business. So I had to handle full time work, supporting the family, and paying for childcare out of my paycheck. Four years later, I'm still doing that







. It's been a hard, hard road, and our marriage at this point is really in name only.

I did go through an intense grieving process for my "other baby." I had a pretty strong desire to have another baby when DS was 2-3. I am thankful now that I did not get pregnant, given our marital situation, DS's needs, finances, etc., etc. I think having one child is how it's going to be for us.

Now I am happy. DS is a great kid, and we get along really well. I don't pine for more children at all.


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## majikfaerie

lisac77 welcome to the thread


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## velochic

I think independent play is important for all kids. While it may be easier for only children to learn that, I think others can as well. I also agree that it is a factor of personality.

Dd will be 7 in a few days and she has been able to play independently nearly all of her life. What I have found to be important about it is that it gives her the chance to explore her own interests rather than compromising (which I think is important, as well, and she gets plenty of practice at that in school) on "how" to play. As she has grown, we jokingly say, "Oh, she's going to be an engineer" or "Oh, she's going to be an author". Her two favorite activities are writing and illustrating her own stories and building things... and doing them completely on her own. I let her (within reason) use any materials around the house and she is always building something for her "babies" (stuffed animals)... and can really focus on getting the task done. I think that is absolutely an invaluable skill in today's world. I don't think, as the youngest of 4, I ever really learned this skill until my sophomore year of college... and my freshman year proved that.









Anyway, I think there is really something to be said for independent play.


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## sapphos

yes welcome Lisa77









Are any of you with older kids homeschooling or unschooling? How is that going?


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## mistymama

I always thought I would have at least two kids. Then I had ds and he was so high needs, extreme sensory issues and there was no time to think about another. Add to that an awful divorce and having more children was totally put on hold.

Now life has settled, I'm remarried and he has adopted ds. But ds is still high needs, he's in kindy and still struggling with sensory issues and posssibly more, we are starting testing again.

I can't see throwing a baby into the mix right now, I want to be able to give ds everything he needs therapy wise, and that takes a lot of our time.

Every so often I get an urge for a baby .. I want to breastfeed again (ds and I had a terrible bf relationship and he weaned much earlier than I would have liked), I want to buy tiny little cloth diapers and slings.

BUT the reality is that I'm not sure I can handle two kids, esp if kiddo #2 is anywhere as high needs as ds.







:

Add to that, dh has always only wanted one child. To him, ds is HIS, does not matter that he is adopted, not biological. He feels our family is complete and has no desire for more.

I must admit that several of our friends have had babies lately .. and when I'm around them it's fun to hold and play with the babies, but I'm also reminded how much darn work they are!! Not sure I feel like doing all of that again!

Sorry to ramble, just wanted to join in!


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## Pookietooth

Welcome, mistymama







, lisac77







and blacksheeppdx.

Hm, so it may be that ds's lack of desire to play alone is just part of his personaliy? He does play alone at time, but not usually longer than 15 minutes or so.


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## Pookietooth

Did anyone see that the mom who recently gave birth to octuplets says that one of the reasons she wanted so many children was because she was lonely as an only child? See: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090206/...e_us/octuplets


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## majikfaerie

yeah I saw that story.
in some other article about her I saw, her mother admitted that the woman had a "baby addiction".
I can't judge her, especially not without meeting her, but I also can't begin to fathom deliberately having octuplets when you already have 6 kids under 7.







:

ETA; oh and I don't think it constitutes an argument against having onlies. this is a case of one person with a mental condition. I'd hardly extrapolate that to say all onlies are going to want big families, and definitely not that onlies are more likely to have extreme numbers of children.


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## Mona

majikfaerie, your ETA made me giggle. if for no other reason that i'd say wanting to have 6 kids is synonmous w/ a mental condition. JUST KIDDING!!! 

i think lonliness is actually a *very* common reason why people have kids, espcecially more then one kid.
i also think it is about the worst reason. but that's just me


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## mistymama

I don't get the whole lonely thing, I really don't. I was an only child until I was 5.5, then my sis came along, and then twins! I wasn't lonely before my sisters, although I love them and we have excellent relationships.

Ds is not lonely. He goes to school and plays with friends there. He has friends in the neighborhood he plays with some afternoons at home. Dh and I play with him, and he enjoys playing by himself. On spring and summer breaks I enroll him in science camps where he always meets new friends. I don't understand why an only child = lonely. He's not, plain and simple.


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## MichaelsSahm

Hi I have been here before. I'm mom of our one and only. Our DS is 6. He is the happiest child, and by no means "lonely" or alone. He is very independant, social, loving, caring, funny etc. and sure spoiled, with alot of love.

We chose to have an only for the mere reason that the three of us feels perfect. We feel complete as a family. Our son is a blessing from god. We had a complication during birth and thank god that we made it out alive together.

I feel that anyone can be lonely, wether it be with a bunch of siblings or just being an only child. It all depends on how we as parents are raising our kids.


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## Pookietooth

I thought it was a bit odd myself that she used that as an excuse to have tons of babies -- it's not like having children is the same as having siblings, for one thing. If anything, more of the only children I've met have either wanted onlies too or none at all.

I wasn't an only, but my brothers were 6 and 8 1/2 years older than me, so it was kind of like being an only, except that they were around when I was very young to torment me (they were not nice to me, and my dad only encouraged them). I spent a lot of time playing alone myself, but I often was lonely. There was only one other kid on our street, and he had some pretty severe disabilities (his mom had German measles when she was pregnant with him, and he had epilepsy, behavioral issues, mental retardation, and severe hearing loss) and his parents' religious beliefs were quite different from mine -- and they judged me for it I felt. And most of the other kids in school were bused in, and were from very different backgrounds and picked on my short hair, tomboyishness, and not having taken Jesus as my personal savior. So yeah, I was lonely and did wish for siblings closer to my age, though moving might have helped more. Going to a different school might have helped more too.


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## Lexy

I myself was an only child and I thought it was great. I was bale to entertain myself too so my parents weren't stuck always trying to keep me busy. But, I had a cousin that was two years older that doubled as a sister for about 8 years or so before we started drifting.
Being an only child isn't that bad. I'd do it myself, but I was bent of having atleast two or three little ones running around.
Being only doesn't mean lonely, that's for sure. You make friends just fine.. easier to plan sleepovers and events... easier to enroll the child in sports and activities.. easier to have that one-on-one bonding time. It could easily be a benefit =-)


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## mckennasmomma

Like I've said before we are almost certainly going to have just the one child. I've mentally explored the pros and cons of both (having an only or having one more child), and feel resolved that this is the right decision for us in all but one aspect. My only lingering concern about having just one is the incredibly horrible possibility of something happening to her. Certainly I wouldn't want another child as a "back up", no one could ever ever replace my daughter and having another child would not make a tragedy any less of a tragedy. BUT, if something did happen to my daughter and I didn't have any other kids, then I would be childless. I had my daughter because I very much wanted a child, and if something happened to her I would be facing the double tragedy of not only the obvious but of then being childless too. I know I can't live my life fearing the worst, and I don't think that fear is enough of a reason to have another, but this is the one remaining thing that I can't seem to "argue" out of my head. What do y'all think?

Thanks for letting me say that here...I don't know where else I would be able to voice my concern so honestly.


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## SweetPotato

It's interesting to me how the thought of losing an only can bring about such different feelings in people. I feel like I had my daughter because I wanted so much to be a mother- but now that she's here, I simply don't want to mother any other child. I think that, if the unthinkable were to happen, I would honestly probably be so wrapped up in grief that I wouldn't be able to be a decent mother to any other children. When I was pg with dd, after all the mcs and with all the complications, I remember tellng my dh that, if anything went wrong, I wanted to go far far away for a long time. I feel similarly now. With my personality, I think it would just be too much and too painful for me to try to continue parenting- I would rather be free to run away for a time and maybe even start a new and different life (perhaps not the most psychologically sound way of dealing with things, but it's just the way my mind works)

I'll also grudgingly admit that, now that I find myself in the throes of motherhood, I'm finding that I'm not in love with parenting- I'm simply in love with my dd. I no longer want to be a mother for myself- I only want to be HER mother. Does that make sense? If I couldn't be dd's mom, then I'd rather not be a mom at all (let's face it, being a mom is HARD work- and I'll do anything in the world for my dd, but I don't want to do it for anyone else) I'm sure that I'd love another child, and maybe, if it did happen, after a long time I might find myself feeling differently, but right now I can't see myself as being a mother without her.


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## mckennasmomma

That makes a lot of sense to me. Something salong those lines I had thought of was that if I had another child and something happened to either of them that is one more person in the world experiencing that tragedy, and my ability to mother would likely be so compromised...

anyway, crying baby gotta run....


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## Pookietooth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mckennasmomma* 
Like I've said before we are almost certainly going to have just the one child. I've mentally explored the pros and cons of both (having an only or having one more child), and feel resolved that this is the right decision for us in all but one aspect. My only lingering concern about having just one is the incredibly horrible possibility of something happening to her. Certainly I wouldn't want another child as a "back up", no one could ever ever replace my daughter and having another child would not make a tragedy any less of a tragedy. BUT, if something did happen to my daughter and I didn't have any other kids, then I would be childless. I had my daughter because I very much wanted a child, and if something happened to her I would be facing the double tragedy of not only the obvious but of then being childless too. I know I can't live my life fearing the worst, and I don't think that fear is enough of a reason to have another, but this is the one remaining thing that I can't seem to "argue" out of my head. What do y'all think?

I have a friend who lost her at the time only son, and it was truly devastating for her -- but she was able to have another one, since she was in her twenties when she conceived her first and still fairly young when he died (he died of a heart defect, so he died before he turned three). Not really as a replacement, but his birth definitely helped bring a bit of healing. Not that she doesn't miss her first every day, but I do think having her second helped a lot.


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## 68825

I'd like to join. Somehow I've always pictured myself with only one child. In my "pictures" this child was always a girl...and I now have a little boy! Ok. This makes sense. Mothers and daughters in my family don't get along well. Lucky me!

I couldn't have said it better than this:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 

I'll also grudgingly admit that, now that I find myself in the throes of motherhood, I'm finding that I'm not in love with parenting- I'm simply in love with my dd. I no longer want to be a mother for myself- I only want to be HER mother. Does that make sense? If I couldn't be dd's mom, then I'd rather not be a mom at all (let's face it, being a mom is HARD work- and I'll do anything in the world for my dd, but I don't want to do it for anyone else) I'm sure that I'd love another child, and maybe, if it did happen, after a long time I might find myself feeling differently, but right now I can't see myself as being a mother without her.


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## boatbaby

So what do you mamas say when your kids ask about siblings? Once in a while DS says he wants a sister. I don't want to bash it, saying how horrible it would be, but I also want him to see the advantages. He's 4.5 by the way and all of his friends have families with 2,3,4 kids.


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## ceilydhmama

Maia has never really asked for a baby, only an older sister, which is trickier...

I babysat fairly often when she was younger and we often hang out with families with two kids - so when she's overwhelmed by other kids I have to admit I point out all the ways we're fortunate to have such a small peaceful family









For the most part though I approach it from the positive perspective. I tend to play up the good parts of our life - and point out those moments when being an only really does work in her favour. I see friends reassuring their kids that having a sibling has its benefits - so I figure highlighting all the amazing benefits she has as an only is important too. I've heard her tell her friends that having a sibling might be fun but because she's an only she gets tons of special outings with her parents, special time with her cousins etc...

I think the other thing that helped make it a non-issue is we've always been clear that Maia is, and will stay, an only - so there is no thought in her head that we will suddenly be getting a surprise baby, the way some of her friends did.


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## lisac77

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
So what do you mamas say when your kids ask about siblings? Once in a while DS says he wants a sister. I don't want to bash it, saying how horrible it would be, but I also want him to see the advantages. He's 4.5 by the way and all of his friends have families with 2,3,4 kids.

DS loves babies and went through phase (about the same age as yours) of asking for a sibling often. We talked a lot about babies, where they come from, etc. I just told him that having a baby is a serious decision, one that only moms and dads can make together. I told him that babies are a lot of work and everyone has to agree. After a while he stopped asking and hasn't mentioned it in a long time.

My mother was an only by circumstance... my grandparents were unable to conceive another child after her. They grieved about it often and she was well aware that they wanted another child, which only made it harder for her. I never want to give DS the impression that he is not enough.


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## mistymama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
So what do you mamas say when your kids ask about siblings? Once in a while DS says he wants a sister. I don't want to bash it, saying how horrible it would be, but I also want him to see the advantages. He's 4.5 by the way and all of his friends have families with 2,3,4 kids.

We dealt with this recently. In kindy ds's class did a social studies unit on families. He was the only child in his class that didn't have at least one brother or sister! He started asking for a brother.









We talked about how if I got pregnant, his sibling would not come out 6 years old and ready to play.







That it would be a baby and ds would have to keep his legos off the floor, etc. It helped that friends of ours had a baby recently and she spit up and drooled on ds.









That, and we got him a puppy.


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## Krisis

I am so glad for this thread!! I feel so much better about myself... I was feeling like a horrible person because I'm kind of relieved we're done having babies. I don't enjoy being the mom of a 1 year old and can't WAIT until Toby gets older so we can start doing more things!

I just found out that I have a heart condition as a result of my last pregnancy that will most likely kill me if I get pregnant again, so we are done having babies. I always wanted two kids, but not because *I* wanted two, because I wanted my son to have a sibling. However, my youngest brother is only a year older than Toby, so it's not like he won't have kids his age in the family to play with.

Subbing!


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## boatbaby

Thanks for all of the insights on the sibling question. He hasn't asked specifically about a baby... he just says every now and again how he'd like to have a sister. More like a friend who comes over and never leaves








Most of his closest friends are girls and he loves the heck out of them.
So I have been talking about how we have so much fun with them, but how nice it is to come back to a peaceful home where he can do what he chooses without the constant bargaining and so on. He gets it most of the time...









We DO need to get a puppy







Our dog died in August and we got a guinea pig, but the pig just doesn't compare. I want another dog SO bad and so does DS. But because we plan on traveling full time in a couple of years and also recently on the recommendation of our pediatrician who thinks DS might have pretty bad allergies, we decided not to


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## Pookietooth

Welcome, Kris.







to you about the heart condition.


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## mistymama

I know how you feel about the dog. I've never in my life lived without one utnil my divorce back in 2003 when x-dh got our basset. I've missed having one SO MUCH, and current dh is not much of a dog person. So we decided to wait until we got a house with a backyard ... but I got tired of waiting! We are in an apartment, but I talked dh into something small, and we are all loving having a dog. Even dh!









It's been really good for ds, gives him some responsibility and also a playmate! It's really cute to watch them play together, ds loves to take Beanie outside right when he gets home from school. They chase eachother up and down this greenbelt behind our apartment, and wear eachother out!


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## SweetPotato

On the dog theme-- have any of your worried about your onlies bonding extra strongly with a pet and then having to face its eventual loss? Our dog is now about 9 years old (beagle mix, so she probably has another 4-7 years or so), and I've wondered if we should maybe get another, younger, dog before this one gets really old. Does that make any sense? Have you all given it any thought? I know that she'll be really upset when the times comes anyway, but I wonder if having another dog already part of the family would be of some comfort (gosh-- I really hadn't recognized the echoes of our conversation about losing an only child until just as I write this!)


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## majikfaerie

about pets, i think it all depends on the child. as one of three, I bonded really strongly with my pets and was devastated when any of them died. my sister also bonded with pets, but was totally nonchalant about their deaths. my brother didn't seem to have any connection with animals at all








I don't really think being an only would make a big difference.


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## Rsmom

I haven't had a chance to read through all 58 pages of this thread yet, lol, so forgive me if this has been addressed.

But, is there anyone else who only has one, by choice, but still feels guilty about it? Almost everyone I meet that only has one child, it's not by choice. I hate that sometimes I am made to feel like a bad parent because I choose for my DD to be an only child. I am 36 years old, my DH is 42. We didn't have any trouble conceiving, we decided to wait.

I'm sick of hearing people say "You need to have another one" and the most annoying thing now is when people ask my DD "Don't you want a brother or sister?". How freaking unfair is it to ask a child who has no control over the situation a question like that? I'm tired of hearing about how she needs a sibling so she'll always have a best friend. I have two brothers who I talk to a few times a year. Just because you have a sibling it doesn't mean that you have a best friend for life.

Anyway, lately I've been having guilt issues (I guess people's comments have finally gotten to me). I am a SAHM and my DD is 4. She's in preschool 2 days a week. We do other activities as well. I try to get her interacting with other kids as much as possible. But, whenever it's just her and I at home, she asks me constantly "Mom, will you play with me?" Sometimes I have things to do around the house and I just can't stop and play with her (although if I can, I certainly will). It breaks my heart when I have to tell her over and over "I can't right now". Does she really think I'd rather fold laundry or wash dishes instead of playing with her? It just makes me feel awful, like I'm depriving her of having a sibling. And it's worse because almost every friend that we play with, they have a brother or sister.

Anyway, sorry this got long. I just hope I found a place where someone will actually understand how I feel.


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## 68825

Maybe there is a book out there w/quick comebacks for these rude comments. I tend to be too stunned when people say things like this to reply.

I deal with similar comments as well, and my DS is only 10 months old. One "friend" told me that my birth control will probably fail anyway. Why? I don't know. Others figure I will change my mind. However, I do have a good friend who chose to have only one child. That child is now 22, but I've known her since she was 8. She's an incredible person, and can't help but think that part of that is because her mother knew her capacity, and followed it despite the urging of her (huge) family to have more children.

Having a brother or sister does not guarantee a playmate either. I have 3 nephews that are very close in age. They rarely play together, and prefer to play with their friends and/or mother.

I think it's important to filter out all the comments from others. In your heart, is your family complete?


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rsmom* 
I haven't had a chance to read through all 58 pages of this thread yet, lol, so forgive me if this has been addressed.

But, is there anyone else who only has one, by choice, but still feels guilty about it? Almost everyone I meet that only has one child, it's not by choice. I hate that sometimes I am made to feel like a bad parent because I choose for my DD to be an only child. I am 36 years old, my DH is 42. We didn't have any trouble conceiving, we decided to wait.

I'm sick of hearing people say "You need to have another one" and the most annoying thing now is when people ask my DD "Don't you want a brother or sister?". How freaking unfair is it to ask a child who has no control over the situation a question like that? I'm tired of hearing about how she needs a sibling so she'll always have a best friend. I have two brothers who I talk to a few times a year. Just because you have a sibling it doesn't mean that you have a best friend for life.

Anyway, lately I've been having guilt issues (I guess people's comments have finally gotten to me). I am a SAHM and my DD is 4. She's in preschool 2 days a week. We do other activities as well. I try to get her interacting with other kids as much as possible. But, whenever it's just her and I at home, she asks me constantly "Mom, will you play with me?" Sometimes I have things to do around the house and I just can't stop and play with her (although if I can, I certainly will). It breaks my heart when I have to tell her over and over "I can't right now". Does she really think I'd rather fold laundry or wash dishes instead of playing with her? It just makes me feel awful, like I'm depriving her of having a sibling. And it's worse because almost every friend that we play with, they have a brother or sister.

Anyway, sorry this got long. I just hope I found a place where someone will actually understand how I feel.


To answer your question, no I don't ever feel guilty. But DD is only 2 so maybe that will come. I think I try to focus on what I am able to give DD b/c we don't have more than one child. I mean, I do feel guilty when I have other things to do around the house and have to keep telling her, "not right now", but OMG, I would have even less time to give her if she had to share me. I guess the argument is that she would have someone else to play with, but I don't really buy that. Most of the families I know with more than one find that that there may be playing together, but there is also arguing together. The very idea just stresses me out. And there's also the fact that time spent with a sibling is not the same as time spent with a parent. So while another child might make for a live-in playmate, it does not negate the need for one-on-one time with a parent. And frankly, this is hard enough to manage with one.

As a side note, I grew up as an only. My mom was a single parent and she worked long and hard. This did not keep us from having a very close relationship, and I certainly don't feel any negative feelings about her not being able to spend time with me every time I wanted her to. HTH.


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## Rsmom

Thank you ladies--you really did make me feel better. And Raingyrl (hope I spelled that right! ) Yes...I do feel that my family is complete.


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## Indigo73

You are not the first or last Mom to say no not now... I heard that a lot as a child. Especially when she was dealing with my younger brother.









I am mom of an only because of circumstances... but then again not really, because we did make the decision not to adopt at this time either. May in a few years but then again maybe not. Cuz dang it, our family works just peachily.

P.S. DS is 7 and the guilt has never really come except when he asks for a baby, which is rarer and rarer these days. I have enough friends that I can borrow (babysit) a baby to help him see the joys of diapers and bookcase clearing crawlers. teehee


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## majikfaerie

comic wisecracks:

[ignorant person] hey bobby, wouldn't you like a little brother or sister?
[bobby] wouldn't you like a Lamborghini?

[ignorant person] hey bobby, wouldn't you like a little brother or sister?
[bobby] will _you_ give me one?







:

[ignorant person] hey bobby, wouldn't you like a little brother or sister?
[bobby] nah, that's what all the other kids have. I want an xBox

[ignorant person] hey bobby, wouldn't you like a little brother or sister?
[bobby] yeah, I'm running out of small animals to torture








keep em coming!


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## widemouthedfrog

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
comic wisecracks:

[ignorant person] hey bobby, wouldn't you like a little brother or sister?
[bobby] will _you_ give me one?







:












My dd has had a sister for more than a year. She's imaginary. It cuts down on the food bills.









When dd and I told our preschool teacher how much dd loves babies, she said that dd would be a lovely mother. I like that reply.

I don't feel guilty. I owe dd a mother, I don't owe her a sibling. I don't believe in creating more people for the first person that we created. To me, that is not a good enough reason to make a new person.

I'd like to make another person because I enjoy helping children grow up, not as a person who is "for" someone else.

I grew up with two siblings and a lot of parental time is spent mediating - it's not all happy playtime between siblings.


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## majikfaerie

the other day i was talking about this with a friend, and she told me that when she was about 20, her mother admitted that she'd had her second child simply to be a playmate for her, and the mother had never really loved the younger daughter in the same way.







I really can't imagine that happening to anyone, even someone who does have a second child for the sake of providing a sibling. it's so sad.


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## labdogs42

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
comic wisecracks:

[ignorant person] hey bobby, wouldn't you like a little brother or sister?
[bobby] wouldn't you like a Lamborghini?

[ignorant person] hey bobby, wouldn't you like a little brother or sister?
[bobby] will _you_ give me one?







:

[ignorant person] hey bobby, wouldn't you like a little brother or sister?
[bobby] nah, that's what all the other kids have. I want an xBox

[ignorant person] hey bobby, wouldn't you like a little brother or sister?
[bobby] yeah, I'm running out of small animals to torture








keep em coming!

I'm going to start teaching DS these responses right now!!


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## lavieenrose

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
I don't feel guilty. I owe dd a mother, I don't owe her a sibling. I don't believe in creating more people for the first person that we created. To me, that is not a good enough reason to make a new person.

I'd like to make another person because I enjoy helping children grow up, not as a person who is "for" someone else.

I can't







: enough! My daughter is 4 and a half, and although my husband would like another I really feel that our family is complete. If that were to change, then I would certainly have another baby. But so many people have told me, "she's so sociable, you really should have another child," or, "You have the first one for yourself - but you have the second one for your older child." What is that reasoning? It makes no sense!


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## Krisis

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
I don't feel guilty. I owe dd a mother, I don't owe her a sibling.

Oh my gosh, I love that. Brilliant.

I have to say, my sister was born when I was 4.5 and I always, always have felt like she's a "replacement" for me because I was never good enough for my mom and step-dad. Even now I'm majorly the black sheep of our family. So I'm really glad we're only having one (even though honestly it's still hard for me somedays, especially because my best friend is pregnant and I wish I could steal her baby-growing sometimes!







) I don't ever want Toby to feel like I favor a sibling over him, because I know how much that hurt me as a child and still hurts me today.

And it's 3 in the morning so that may have made no sense, alas.


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## majikfaerie

krisis


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## boatbaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
I'd like to make another person because I enjoy helping children grow up, not as a person who is "for" someone else.












Lately the game has shifted among my friends with 2,3,4 kids. DS is coming into that lovely age of being able to pick up and go anywhere, he is curious about everything, and happy to do new things. And we are taking full advantage of it going on outings and spontaneous trips as much as we can. All the while I have friends who feel "strapped down" because of their multitude of little ones (not just the logistics of taking them places, but also of course the cost)

Also I wanted to share an "a-ha!" moment from last week. Some girlfriends took me out for Indian food for my birthday without the kiddos... and one started talking about how she uses the TV too much for her 4.5 year old (2+hours a day, everyday) but she doesn't know what else to do because "she just can't entertain herself while her sister is napping. She's bored to tears and drives everyone crazy!"

Whoa.

I am sure you all hear about onlies not being able to "share or get along with others" but here is a complete reversal on that! DS gets along very well with kids and is the biggest sharer I know because he gets experience dealing with all sorts of friends. BUT - he's also comfortable with down time and alone time. I can cook a m meal, do chores, etc and he HAPPILY entertains himself and often doesn't want to be interrupted in his play. I think that is SUCH an important and underrated life skill -- to be happy with oneself and be able to keep yourself busy without a constant playmate or plug in.

ok -- off my soap box now


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## DaughterOfKali

Popping in to say hi. (subbing so I remember this thread)


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## Pookietooth

My ds will not readily entertain himself if I am busy, except to turn on the TV. So I think it depends on the personality of the child, not whether he/she is an only.


----------



## lee1203

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crosscat* 
Happy to find this tribe, where I won't feel odd for wanting to focus all my energy and resources on one child.

Hey! A fellow DDCer!









So I'd like to state that I have just (over the course of many days, and many many naps and nursing sessions) read this entire thread. All 58 pages.







And now I feel I must introduce myself, and maybe answer a few of the questions that have popped up most often.

Kid: One little bugger, she's 4.5 months old. And bloody adorable, if I do say so myself.

Why just one: Even though my chicky boom is a pretty gosh darn happy and easy going baby, she's still INCREDIBLY hard work. I'm often overwhelmed with just her, there's NO way I can handle another while she's still young. And then there's the husbandperson, who's pretty adamant he will not be interested in starting over when she's older... so yeah. If a small age gap won't work, and a large age gap won't work, then we just won't have an age gap!

Did I want just one: I always thought I wanted two kids, but now I'm beginning to wonder if I just *assumed* I'd have two kids, like just about everyone else I know.

Pregnancy/birth: Easy easy pregnancy, fairly easy birth. The only thing I'd change about it is the immediate postpartum period (taking off that silly hat, waiting longer to find out her sex, taking more pictures, etc.) but as many of you have pointed out another birth won't change anything about hers.

Only by choice or circumstance: Choice. I got pregnant rather easily.

Pros of just one: Y'all have stated every one I could possibly think of. Except we don't do a lot of travelling, the husbandperson had enough of that in his youth (missionary kid). But maybe just the small one and I can do some when she's older if she wants.

Cons of just one: Y'all have stated all of these too. My main concern right now is for if she turns out to be an extrovert - we're both quite introverted, and don't really seek out social interactions. We have a few close friends, and like it that way. I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to get her around kids her own age when she gets a little older. She's actually got a cousin due in July (and two much older cousins on my side) but no one in our family lives close by so there's not even going to be that family attachment.

Birth control: We use a method I'm sure you are all familiar with. It's called "having a not-quite 5 month old who thinks sleep is for _little_ babies."







As back ups, condoms. A vasectomy is in the husbandperson's future, although I want us to wait a few years to be *sure*.

In case of oops: If I get pregnant again, then I'm pregnant again. We'd welcome another child with open arms. Tired open arms, but open arms nonetheless.

Friends: We're the first of our few close friends to have kids. They're all planning to start within 1-5 years, and have either 2-3 kids. So about the time they have newborns and all the concerns that go with that, we'll be well on our way to a much more portable child. I'm hoping that doesn't affect our friendships, but I doubt it will since nothing's really changed since I had little butt.

Comments: None yet, since she's so young. Have yet to tell either set of grandparents that she's all they're getting from us. If they make any comments I'll just point out they were lucky to get her - we gave serious thought to not having any kids. (And then I turned 27 and oh my gosh I could think of nothing else.







) I have mentioned to our close friends we're pretty sure we're one and done, and if they think that's a stupid idea they haven't said so.









And now I've rambled enough, I think.


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## Krisis

Well, I'm going in for the big STERILIZATION on March 27. Dun dun DUN!!! I still struggle with it sometimes but I know it's for the best. The only reason I want another baby is to have a better birth experience, and to be able to name it! Not good enough reasons, and DH is, for some reason, adamantly against me dying. Bah, 60% chance my eye. I'm tough, I could make it, but I don't really want to deal with another beastie so for the most part I'm glad we're done and excited to be Done done, as in no more chance. Booyah.

Meanwhile, Toby is teething and angry and reinforcing my joy at being done ha ha ha. I am so excited to be able to go places and do things with him, just him. When he gets older I can literally just take off with him if I want, let DH stay home and work and Toby and I can go to Disneyworld for a week, or go on a road trip or something. I'm way excited for him to get older. I'm so not digging the baby stage.

DH and I are going to Disneyland this weekend and Toby is staying with his nana for 3 days, lucky kid (nana spoils him like crazy!) I just hope she doesn't teach him to walk while we're gone, it would be a real bummer to miss my only child's first steps!


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## mermaidmama

Hi! I am new on this thread. I have one son who is 8 months old and who will probably be an only (not 100% sure yet but getting there).

I loved pregnancy and labor. I loved those first few months where ds was so teenie tiny. I wish I could experience it all again as it flew by way too fast and there are a few things I would do different.
However, I have some physical disabilities and it would be really hard to take care of 2 kids during my flare ups unless there was a larger age gap between them. I also have a sensitive personality and NEED time to recharge. My son is also very needy and sensitive as well. DH and I are already 30 and feelin it. We feel complete as a family of 3. DH was an only and wants only one. I also get to enjoy being a stay at home mom without having to sacrafice a lot to do so. I can give more attention to my marriage as well as more time for my son and myself. I can go back to school. I can give my son more experiences if I dont have to divide up my time and money.

Anyways, sorry if its all jumbled up but thats where my head is at as of now.


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## Pookietooth

to you Kris and mermaidmama.


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## SweetPotato

I just picked up a book today titled "The Joy of the Only Child" by Ellen Peck. I'm about halfway through it already, and am LOVING IT!! She discusses lots of research and presents a very favorable case for sticking with one child-- the benefits to the child, to the parents as individuals, to the parents' marriage, and to the family as a whole- as well as addressing some myths about the perceived benefits of siblings. I've been feeling a bit out-of-sorts lately, since I'm simultaneously watching all of my friends have their 2nd and 3rd babies, while I'm finally taking steps toward regaining some of the "me" (career, health, and interests) that I put aside when dd was born. It feels really great to be finding some outside voice that validates the choice we're leaning towards-- since it usually feels like everything outside of ourselves- this whole society- is pushing the assumption that 2+ kids is "right" somehow. Anyway-- I'm enjoying the read and thought I'd recommend it to you all!


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## boatbaby

Thanks for the book suggestion! We could print this thread and make a book!

I have been spending the week with an old friend. We haven't seen much of each other since we started our respective families b/c she moved far away back to her home town. We both have onlies by choice and I was a little nervous about the kids getting along (3 year age difference, etc) and I have to say, this week has been bliss! I have never hung out with another only family and the dynamic between the kids is SOsoSO different.

The biggest thing I am noticing is no competition, no insecurities. They are so considerate of each other and just have had hours and hours of uninterrupted play.

I know individual personalities have a strong role in play dynamics also, and it helps that this mom and I are a lot alike (she is on MDC too and on this thread) but I am just enjoying the time and feel much more relaxed than I do hanging out with DS + a family tribe.







Usually after which I need a drink.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
I just picked up a book today titled "The Joy of the Only Child" by Ellen Peck. I'm about halfway through it already, and am LOVING IT!! She discusses lots of research and presents a very favorable case for sticking with one child-- the benefits to the child, to the parents as individuals, to the parents' marriage, and to the family as a whole- as well as addressing some myths about the perceived benefits of siblings. I've been feeling a bit out-of-sorts lately, since I'm simultaneously watching all of my friends have their 2nd and 3rd babies, while I'm finally taking steps toward regaining some of the "me" (career, health, and interests) that I put aside when dd was born. It feels really great to be finding some outside voice that validates the choice we're leaning towards-- since it usually feels like everything outside of ourselves- this whole society- is pushing the assumption that 2+ kids is "right" somehow. Anyway-- I'm enjoying the read and thought I'd recommend it to you all!

Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check it out.

I've also got a number of friends that are pregnant with number 2 now and I do wonder what things will be like when they're doing newborn stuff again.


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## frontierpsych

DS may or may not end up being an only. It depends on future circumstances. He's almost 7 months. I have a Mirena IUD and have no intention of taking it out before I have to. After that, we'll see. We're young (22 and 24) and we're just not 100% sure where life is taking us. Also, I hemmorhaged after DD (Stillborn UC) and lost more blood than I should have with DS (handled at home with midwives, but barely) making it illegal for a midwife to attend a homebirth for me in this state. Not sure how I feel about having any future babies in the hospital.
I always did want more than one before I had one, but over all I just enjoy our family how it is and couldn't picture it any different.


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## Krisis

DH and I went on a whirlwind trip to Disneyland this weekend (Toby stayed with my mom) and you know what? It was exactly what I needed to finally, finally be comfortable with really only having one. I am so excited to be able to give him my undivided attention and everything for his whole life. Plus, now we can go to Disneyland when Toby turns 4 instead of waiting for his younger siblings to be old enough







:

I'm feeling very calm and good with the fact that my sterilization appointment is Friday. I'm a wee bit nervous about my cervix being anesthetized (ouch!) but everything else I'm feeling great about.


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## Pookietooth

Are you having your tubes tied, or something else?


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## SweetPotato

Hi to all the new folks!

Kris- good luck Friday! I'm envious of your calm certainty. I still waffle quite bit from about 80% to 95% sure of our decision (not quite sure enough to do anything permanent yet- though we've agreed that dh will get a vasectomy when I turn 35 regardless) Every now and then I find real peace for a spell, and the relief is so great! I'm thinking of trying to start up a moms of onlies group in my town since all my friends have 2+ and no desire to stop--I really think that support would help.


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## MichaelsSahm

.


----------



## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I've also got a number of friends that are pregnant with number 2 now and I do wonder what things will be like when they're doing newborn stuff again.

This is where I am right now. Among the friends I made at a breastfeeding support group way back when my daughter was just weeks old (seems so long ago!), the three other women have either had a second child (including one just last week







) or should by summer's end. And my two cousins who live nearby and have kids my daughter's age each have had another child. So we are definitely in that *place* now. That sometimes overwhelming place where you start wondering and rethinking and analyzing. Ooof. Time to go do something more useful like build a squirrel house out of blocks with my daughter or rake the yard!

Although meeting all the newborns who have come into our lives over the past few weeks has put us into a nostalgiac mode, I think we'll just get our baby fix from these other people's babes. My husband and I have been looking at old photos and telling stories about my daughter's birth and first few months, which is always fun. But ultimately each conversation we have ends with both of us admitting how we are wary of expanding our party of three, for many of the reasons you all have posted. We jumped in together so eagerly the first time around. Do anything less just wouldn't seem right to me. Maybe we'll get there, maybe we won't. And now it's not just the two of us who would be affected, of course.

So glad to have you all around for support!


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coco_Hikes* 
This is where I am right now. Among the friends I made at a breastfeeding support group way back when my daughter was just weeks old (seems so long ago!), the three other women have either had a second child (including one just last week







) or should by summer's end. And my two cousins who live nearby and have kids my daughter's age each have had another child. So we are definitely in that *place* now. That sometimes overwhelming place where you start wondering and rethinking and analyzing. Ooof. Time to go do something more useful like build a squirrel house out of blocks with my daughter or rake the yard!

Although meeting all the newborns who have come into our lives over the past few weeks has put us into a nostalgiac mode, I think we'll just get our baby fix from these other people's babes. My husband and I have been looking at old photos and telling stories about my daughter's birth and first few months, which is always fun. But ultimately each conversation we have ends with both of us admitting how we are wary of expanding our party of three, for many of the reasons you all have posted. We jumped in together so eagerly the first time around. Do anything less just wouldn't seem right to me. Maybe we'll get there, maybe we won't. And now it's not just the two of us who would be affected, of course.

So glad to have you all around for support!










I am curious to see how I feel once these new babies are around. I was a little worried after DH got his vasectomy that maybe my feelings would change later. But as time goes by, I feel more resolved in our decision. I suspect that seeing and holding my friends' newborns will be nice and make me feel all mushy for a while, but I really have not forgotten exactly what all of that entails.


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## SweetPotato

I have to say, I've been AMAZED at how little I've been affected by the new babies in our world. Don't get me wrong- they're cute, sweet little things, and I'm mor ethan happy to cuddle them and play peek a boo and such for a bit, but it hasn't stirred up ANY baby lust in me whatsoever. I remember so vividly the baby fever and pg envy that I had before dd, and I feel so relieved and content that this hasn't come up again at all. It certainly helps me feel more confident that this is the right choice for us.


----------



## RoundAbout

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
I have to say, I've been AMAZED at how little I've been affected by the new babies in our world. Don't get me wrong- they're cute, sweet little things, and I'm mor ethan happy to cuddle them and play peek a boo and such for a bit, but it hasn't stirred up ANY baby lust in me whatsoever. I remember so vividly the baby fever and pg envy that I had before dd, and I feel so relieved and content that this hasn't come up again at all. It certainly helps me feel more confident that this is the right choice for us.


I totally agree.

The only thing I've been missing is the really cute itty bitty baby clothes. But that's probably just because I'm struggling to find a cute Easter outfit for my 2 year-old son.


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## Krisis

I'm having the Essure procedure done tomorrow - basically they stick little coils up into your tubes and scar tissue forms around them so you can't get pregnant anymore. It's 99.9% effective and non-invasive, they just give you a local anesthetic (in my cervix, YIKES







) and I think it's only supposed to take like a half hour. I'm hoping they let me take my iPod into the "operating room" so I can try and not think about what's going on. I hate exposing my lady bits.







:

I still get baby fever and such but I know that this is really the only way to keep me alive, so when I feel bad about not having another baby to snuggle I think about all my friends who are pg with their firsts - I can snuggle their babies and then give them back and not have to worry about getting up with them at night, woo hoo!!!

I am bummed that I never got a chance to breastfeed though


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
I'm having the Essure procedure done tomorrow - basically they stick little coils up into your tubes and scar tissue forms around them so you can't get pregnant anymore. It's 99.9% effective and non-invasive, they just give you a local anesthetic (in my cervix, YIKES







) and I think it's only supposed to take like a half hour. I'm hoping they let me take my iPod into the "operating room" so I can try and not think about what's going on. I hate exposing my lady bits.







:

I still get baby fever and such but I know that this is really the only way to keep me alive, so when I feel bad about not having another baby to snuggle I think about all my friends who are pg with their firsts - I can snuggle their babies and then give them back and not have to worry about getting up with them at night, woo hoo!!!

I am bummed that I never got a chance to breastfeed though



















I hope everything goes well for you.


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## mistymama

Hi everyone, and thanks for the book suggestion, I'm going to pick that up for sure.

All of our friends are having babies, most of them their first child. We are around 30, but most of our friends got married later, and are just now having babies. I








holding their little ones, and will admit sometimes it makes me want a snuggly little newborn ... BUT I see all the time and devotion, sleepless nights, inability to pack up and go on vacation with us .. and that feeling fades.









We just did 4 nights away at a cabin in the woods, just dh, ds and I. We had a total blast and it's so much fun now that ds is actually able to PLAY putt putt, go to a dinner show and enjoy it, etc. In fact, I saw several families during the dinner show that had to go stand in the back to rock fussing babies and thanked God I had a 6 year old happily engaged in the show.









We are not taking any perm steps right now, mostly because while dh has adopted ds, he is not biologically his child and I don't want to rush into this choice. If dh eventually decides he wants a biological child, we'll talk about it. I honestly don't see that happening though, we both feel very complete with ds.


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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
I have to say, I've been AMAZED at how little I've been affected by the new babies in our world. Don't get me wrong- they're cute, sweet little things, and I'm mor ethan happy to cuddle them and play peek a boo and such for a bit, but it hasn't stirred up ANY baby lust in me whatsoever. I remember so vividly the baby fever and pg envy that I had before dd, and I feel so relieved and content that this hasn't come up again at all. It certainly helps me feel more confident that this is the right choice for us.

Same goes for me. Generally I just think, "Whew--glad it's not me!" I have the same reaction to pregnant women, baby showers, and friends having their second. If there were ever two people meant to have an only, those people are me and dh.


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## labdogs42

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
Same goes for me. Generally I just think, "Whew--glad it's not me!" I have the same reaction to pregnant women, baby showers, and friends having their second. If there were ever two people meant to have an only, those people are me and dh.










I'm in that club as well. I never had baby envy before my DS and I don't get it now. I'm not really a newborn person. I much prefer kids I can talk with!!







My friends think I'm making it up, but I really don't like babies very much. I only liked mine!

Krisis -- That Essure procedure sounds interesting. I hadn't heard of it before. I hope it goes well.


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## mystic~mama

hi mamas...intro'ing myself...

I'm mama to one nearly 7 year old girl...I didn't plan how many children I would have and dd came along when she was suppost to and here I am...

I am thinking lately more than ever about having another...it has never been in the cards much and even now my partner and I are not ready.

DD asks for a sister often these days...We are just starting to think about this only child stuff, before I always just saw it as what was and didn't think much of it....the book mentioned in a pp sounds intertesting, (the joy of the only child)

Her bio dad is an only who never knew his dad and he remains uninvolved in her life. I am happy to find this thread as this topic is coming to my mind often lately especially as I think about her shyness and see her personality developing.

blessings mamas, looking forward to getting to know you


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## alyrie

I have an 18 month old dd, and we do not want another. We love her so very much, but she's it for us. DH is looking into getting a vasectomy very soon...can't wait!


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## Litcrit

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
Same goes for me. Generally I just think, "Whew--glad it's not me!" I have the same reaction to pregnant women, baby showers, and friends having their second. If there were ever two people meant to have an only, those people are me and dh.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
I'm in that club as well. I never had baby envy before my DS and I don't get it now. I'm not really a newborn person. I much prefer kids I can talk with!!







My friends think I'm making it up, but I really don't like babies very much. I only liked mine!

I feel the same way? Can I join, even though I THINK I'll _possibly_ have another in the DISTANT future? Pretty please? Because no one else seems to understand.









I'm not a baby person, never was. Didn't feel anything for DD when she was tiny, was just bored all the time. She was the easiest baby in the world, but being with A BABY all the time was just overwhelming to me! I couldn't bring myself to try to talk to her or read to her or interact in any way - my voice failed me, I choked on my words. I probably had PPD, but I'm not sure hormones or whatever causes it is entirely to blame for what I felt.

Now that she's 2 and TALKING A LOT, it's easier and much more fun, but I still CAN'T WAIT for her to start disagreeing with me while discussing different issues.







My DH is the SAHD and I'm a university teacher, and I have to admit that the only time I really feel overjoyed about life in general is when I'm at work. I have yet to feel the 'joy' of motherhood, although I'm really not depressed anymore - I love and enjoy life - research, teaching, reading, all that - just not really mothering a small child. I have no nostalgia at all for the time she was a baby, and I've never felt she 'grew too fast' - quite the opposite, really.

My mom friends are all getting or craving or discussing #2 already, but I'm nowhere near that. I don't get how someone would want to do that to themselves TWICE - once, you get suckered in, everyone says what a blessing it is. But once you know what it entails, how can you go into that again, consciously?

I'm not a wimp. I can work hard. I don't mind labor and birth. I can do all that, but I just don't have a desire to.

What really gets on my nerves is people telling me to have more. I say 'we're not in a rush, thanks' usually, because we're relatively young (26 and 27) and it makes them leave us alone. My DH's cousin recently tried to guilt me into having more, even though I'd told her about PPD and feeling like I wanted to die, so I snapped and asked her if it was perhaps better for those TWO kids to be motherless because their mom killed herself? She replied with something like 'Suck it up, you have to sacrifice so your child is not an only child'







: I'M AN ONLY CHILD! So, I should risk my mental health to prevent my daughter from having the childhood I had?!? Because I turned out so awful?!?









Sorry for the rant. I'm thinking about this much of the time. The possibility of another child hangs over my head constantly. My husband and I agreed on having 3 before we got married, but had no idea what it really meant. Now I'm sure he'd like at least another one, and I don't know how I'll feel in a few years' time. But for now, our DD is an only.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Litcrit* 
I feel the same way? Can I join, even though I THINK I'll _possibly_ have another in the DISTANT future? Pretty please? Because no one else seems to understand.









I'm not a baby person, never was. Didn't feel anything for DD when she was tiny, was just bored all the time. She was the easiest baby in the world, but being with A BABY all the time was just overwhelming to me! I couldn't bring myself to try to talk to her or read to her or interact in any way - my voice failed me, I choked on my words. I probably had PPD, but I'm not sure hormones or whatever causes it is entirely to blame for what I felt.

Now that she's 2 and TALKING A LOT, it's easier and much more fun, but I still CAN'T WAIT for her to start disagreeing with me while discussing different issues.







My DH is the SAHD and I'm a university teacher, and I have to admit that the only time I really feel overjoyed about life in general is when I'm at work. I have yet to feel the 'joy' of motherhood, although I'm really not depressed anymore - I love and enjoy life - research, teaching, reading, all that - just not really mothering a small child. I have no nostalgia at all for the time she was a baby, and I've never felt she 'grew too fast' - quite the opposite, really.

My mom friends are all getting or craving or discussing #2 already, but I'm nowhere near that. I don't get how someone would want to do that to themselves TWICE - once, you get suckered in, everyone says what a blessing it is. But once you know what it entails, how can you go into that again, consciously?

I'm not a wimp. I can work hard. I don't mind labor and birth. I can do all that, but I just don't have a desire to.

What really gets on my nerves is people telling me to have more. I say 'we're not in a rush, thanks' usually, because we're relatively young (26 and 27) and it makes them leave us alone. My DH's cousin recently tried to guilt me into having more, even though I'd told her about PPD and feeling like I wanted to die, so I snapped and asked her if it was perhaps better for those TWO kids to be motherless because their mom killed herself? She replied with something like 'Suck it up, you have to sacrifice so your child is not an only child'







: I'M AN ONLY CHILD! So, I should risk my mental health to prevent my daughter from having the childhood I had?!? Because I turned out so awful?!?









Sorry for the rant. I'm thinking about this much of the time. The possibility of another child hangs over my head constantly. My husband and I agreed on having 3 before we got married, but had no idea what it really meant. Now I'm sure he'd like at least another one, and I don't know how I'll feel in a few years' time. But for now, our DD is an only.










I can totally, totally relate to almost everything you said. I don't think I had PPD, but I was BORED OUT OF MY MIND for the first 6 months (maybe more) of DD's life. I still get bored out of my mind even though she's 100 times more fun than she was in infancy. But yeah, in some ways the first year went by fast, but when people would tell me "It goes so fast," I couldn't help but feel like it was going painfully slow! I am really loving having a two year old, but I do still find myself thinking about how much more fun she's going to get as she gets older and how many things we will be able to do. And how many things DH and I will be able to do again. I just don't even see how another baby would fit into _any_ of our future plans.


----------



## Krisis

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Litcrit* 

I'm not a baby person, never was. Didn't feel anything for DD when she was tiny, was just bored all the time. She was the easiest baby in the world, but being with A BABY all the time was just overwhelming to me! I couldn't bring myself to try to talk to her or read to her or interact in any way - my voice failed me, I choked on my words. I probably had PPD, but I'm not sure hormones or whatever causes it is entirely to blame for what I felt.

Oh, me too me too. The baby-baby stage was SO BORING I thought I would die. Even now I still go crazy sometimes. I can't wait till DS gets older and we can DO stuff and talk!

I had the Essure procedure done on Friday. I am still so sore I can barely stand it. The doc said my tubes were super tiny and so it was really hard to get the coils in there - it's supposed to be a 15 min procedure and it took an hour for me







I'm just glad it's over with. I don't think recovery is supposed to be this painful/hard but the doc literally had to tear my tubes to open wider so he could get the coils in there. OWIE.


----------



## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 

I had the Essure procedure done on Friday. I am still so sore I can barely stand it. The doc said my tubes were super tiny and so it was really hard to get the coils in there - it's supposed to be a 15 min procedure and it took an hour for me







I'm just glad it's over with. I don't think recovery is supposed to be this painful/hard but the doc literally had to tear my tubes to open wider so he could get the coils in there. OWIE.

Oh, that does not sound good. I hope the pain ceases quickly and that you have a quick recovery.


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## SweetPotato

Yikes Kris! I'm sorry that it was a bit nasty-- hope you're feeling better soon!

and congratulations!!


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## mama2zoe

OMG Kris - I'm totally cringing reading your post - that sounds so painful. I hope you are feeling better very, very soon!


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## DaughterOfKali

Kris-


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## Pookietooth

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
I had the Essure procedure done on Friday. I am still so sore I can barely stand it. The doc said my tubes were super tiny and so it was really hard to get the coils in there - it's supposed to be a 15 min procedure and it took an hour for me







I'm just glad it's over with. I don't think recovery is supposed to be this painful/hard but the doc literally had to tear my tubes to open wider so he could get the coils in there. OWIE.

Ouch! Sorry to hear that was so painful. I think a vasectomy is supposed to be a lot easier and less complicated. But some men are worried about it making them less masculine.

One good thing about having only one child: you are helping to reduce the world's population. Helps counter those families with three or four or 18 children. Ugh!


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## Krisis

Still hurting







I'm calling the doctor tomorrow because it's been long enough I shouldn't hurt anymore. Yikes!

DH volunteered to get a vasectomy, but I felt bad asking him to do it. I'm the one who's in trouble if I have another kid, you know? It's not his fault if I got pregnant again I'd die. It makes sense to me, but I know DH sometimes thinks I'm a little nuts









Toby's been super ornery this weekend so suddenly I am even more okay with being sterile! Woo hoo!


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NYCVeg* 
Same goes for me. Generally I just think, "Whew--glad it's not me!" I have the same reaction to pregnant women, baby showers, and friends having their second. If there were ever two people meant to have an only, those people are me and dh.









I'll never forget about a few days after giving birth and being at the store at the bottom of an escalator. Looking up at the top, there was very pregnant woman coming down. My first thought was "OMG, I am so glad that is not me."! And that thought has yet to go away 3 years later. I am very happy with my family the way it is and see little reason to change any of that.

I hope you are doing a lot better, Krisis.


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## mckennasmomma

I was just reading the thread: you know you have a crappy sleeper when... (of course you know why I was reading it!) and noticed several of the moms of onlies had posted on there. McKenna's sleep is not why we aren't having another child, but it sure does reinforce my feelings. I have friends right now having their second child when their first is less than a year old...I can't possibly imagine getting pregnant right now (mine is 7.5 months old).

That said the other day I was at the park and there was a family with 4 kids there. They were all so sweet to each other, playing together, the oldest carrying the baby around. And then there is the "little girl" (now a woman!) I used to babysit who just got pregnant with her second. The two kids will be about 1.5 years apart...she wanted her kids to be that close together because that is how close in age she and her brother are and they have always been the best of friends. It made me a little sad. I know that for my husband and me having just one child is the right decision. But I also think there is not one perfect decision...there will always be pros and cons to both sides.

Maybe I'm just a little melancholy right now...and sleepy...


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## alexisyael

s

The days I am tired are the days I am most sure Remy will be an only.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexisyael* 







s

The days I am tired are the days I am most sure Remy will be an only.

Yeah, we had decided to have an only pre-conception. But sleep deprivation sure made me feel like we made the right decision!


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## onlyzombiecat

On another board recently there was a thread about strictness compared to other families. Several people were posting that they find that families with more children are more laid back and parents of smaller families are more strict/protective/uptight.

I would say for me it depends on the people and the issue we are comparing. I know families with multiple children who are much stricter than I am about bedtimes, chores, schoolwork, video games, discipline, etc. In terms of safety I am probably stricter though. I'm also more inclined to supervise my child.

Do you find that you are usually the stricter parent compared to people you know with more children? What things are you stricter about? What things are you more laid back about?


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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
On another board recently there was a thread about strictness compared to other families. Several people were posting that they find that families with more children are more laid back and parents of smaller families are more strict/protective/uptight.

I would say for me it depends on the people and the issue we are comparing. I know families with multiple children who are much stricter than I am about bedtimes, chores, schoolwork, video games, discipline, etc. In terms of safety I am probably stricter though. I'm also more inclined to supervise my child.

Do you find that you are usually the stricter parent compared to people you know with more children? What things are you stricter about? What things are you more laid back about?

Interesting. I think it really depends on the parents. I know multi-kid families that are MUCH more into the schedule, routine, etc. than we are--because with so many kids to manage, x has to get done at y time, so that Kid 1 can get to soccer practice on time, and Kid 2 can get to her violin lesson on time, and Dad can get dinner ready before the baby has to go to sleep...and so on.

I have a friend with two kids, and I think she's insanely rigid about things. The kids have to get a bath every night, at the same time, no matter what. The kids (toddlers mind you) need to learn to eat just so, so they don't get messy. The kids can't take their shoes off in the sandbox. And on and on and on. We're pretty laid back, I think. The only thing I'm "strict" about is food, but that's because dd has extensive and potentially life-threatening food allergies. It means I have to watch her vigilantly at, say, the park and that I can't just leave her with a friend for a couple of hours (she does have regular babysitting, with epi-pen/emergency/allergy precaution-trained sitters). But I *would* be more laid back about those things if not for the allergies.

In my own family growing up, though--I was the youngest of quite a few--I would definitely say that I got away with a lot more than my older sibs! By the time they got to me, my parents had given up on things like regulating junk food.







Thinking of my two adult friends who are onlies: one had a fairly structured upbringing, but that's just how her parents are--I think it would have been true whether or not she has siblings. The other friend has INCREDIBLY free-spirited and easy-going parents.


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## PPK

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
On another board recently there was a thread about strictness compared to other families. Several people were posting that they find that families with more children are more laid back and parents of smaller families are more strict/protective/uptight.

I would say for me it depends on the people and the issue we are comparing. I know families with multiple children who are much stricter than I am about bedtimes, chores, schoolwork, video games, discipline, etc. In terms of safety I am probably stricter though. I'm also more inclined to supervise my child.

Do you find that you are usually the stricter parent compared to people you know with more children? What things are you stricter about? What things are you more laid back about?


I keep with the pattern that ds enjoys: same naptime, same bedtime, same foods, etc. I'd love to be able to have a bit more flexibility here, but it really doesn't do him well to be off his sleep routine...so I stick to it.

Otherwise, we don't watch TV, we don't eat junk food, he's been vegetarian, but if he has an interest, I'll allow quality meats. We let him do basically whatever he wants as long as its not causing harm to himself or others.

I think it all depends on the parents.

BTW, I love reading these posts. I went into Babies R Us today to get babyproof handle cover to keep ds from bolting out the front door and all I could think was "Thank God I'm out of the pregnancy/newborn/infant phase and I never have to do it again"!!!!







: I have absolutley no longing to relive those days. At the time I really enjoyed ds, but it didn't 'fly by' and I'm really enjoying his independence now at almost 2yo...tantrums and all, its much easier, not to mention I usually get a decent nights rest!


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## Krisis

I'm doing a lot better, it took a while but the worst is over now. The most painful thing was my cycle this week - those cramps were INSANE.

I'm pretty laid back / not strict in my parenting style, mostly because I'm lazy. I don't worry about germs and stuff and Toby shares his snacks with the cats all the time. We don't really have a routine outside of bedtime, but we might be starting one up just because I got a gym membership with daycare







: so now I can work out my depression/aggression while Toby plays and has fun. Plus I'll lose weight! Yay!!!

The thing that makes me most grateful about being sterile? Hearing pregnancy stories. I am so, so SO glad I never have to get pregnant again. Phew!!


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## labdogs42

I am pretty laid back. More so than many of the parents I know with more than one kid. I let my son stay in his jammies all day if we aren't going anywhere, I let him play PlayDoh at the kitchen table, go outside barefoot, play in the sandbox whenever he wants, get muddy, etc. I kind of think I'd still be this way even with more than one, but I won't be finding that out! I'm so happy with my one child, I just can't express how perfect it feels for us. I love being able to be so laid back with him.


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## frontierpsych

The more I think about it, the more sure I am that we are done. When Brodie is older I'd consider fostering (not adopting) but I don't think I want anymore kids.


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## Pookietooth

I do think it depends on the family as to how strict they are, not on how many, although I think with a larger number maintaining strict rules might get harder.
I can't imagine spacing children less than a year apart. That seems too hard on the mom's body, but I guess at least that way the older sibling never really notices missing out on being an only child.
I'm probably going to leave you ladies, since my last chance at fertility treatments actually took and I'm pregnant. Having had one loss makes me a bit skittish though.


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## mckennasmomma

Congratulations to you Pookietooth! I'll keep you in my thoughts that everything goes smoothly and healthfully for your pregnancy!


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## Just My Opinion

We struggle with whether or not to have an only. We have an almost four year old who is our life and love, and we just adore her -- I have pcos, so although concieving dd was very easy (and I believe, meant to be), we haven't been using protection for a year and no pregnancy. I don't know how I feel about that.

On one hand, our family works so well together, on the other, I don't know if we are "done". I would at least like the option, even if we chose one. At least then I would know it was a conscious choice, rather than 'coming to terms' with having only one, does that make sense?

I guess I am in a weird phase -- on one hand, the thought of having another child terrifies me, on the other hand, not having another sometimes makes me feel very sad.

Some people wax poetic of having these strong feelings either way -- like, "I KNEW we were done!" or... "I KNEW we we *weren't* done" -- I don't have those strong feelings either way of being done or not done or complete or not complete









I know we adore our daughter and are so happy and blessed to have her. I just don't know how to work through the other conflicting feelings of having another (or not).

Any btdt advice?


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## Caneel

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Just My Opinion* 
We struggle with whether or not to have an only. We have an almost four year old who is our life and love, and we just adore her -- I have pcos, so although concieving dd was very easy (and I believe, meant to be), we haven't been using protection for a year and no pregnancy. I don't know how I feel about that.

On one hand, our family works so well together, on the other, I don't know if we are "done". I would at least like the option, even if we chose one. At least then I would know it was a conscious choice, rather than 'coming to terms' with having only one, does that make sense?

*I guess I am in a weird phase -- on one hand, the thought of having another child terrifies me, on the other hand, not having another sometimes makes me feel very sad.*

Some people wax poetic of having these strong feelings either way -- like, "I KNEW we were done!" or... "I KNEW we we *weren't* done" -- I don't have those strong feelings either way of being done or not done or complete or not complete









I know we adore our daughter and are so happy and blessed to have her. I just don't know how to work through the other conflicting feelings of having another (or not).

Any btdt advice?

No advice, I am in the same boat in many ways - 3.5 year old and boy to I identify with the bolded statement!

I don't know how to work thru the conflicted feelings either.

This weekend my DH dropped the bomb that he would have loved to have another child. This floored me because of the 2 of us, he was more satisfied with one.

For health reasons, another is highly unlikely. We are thrilled with our son and don't feel like anything is missing. So why am I still sad?


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## mckennasmomma

In many ways I can relate to the feelings of sadness of not having more, but most of me feels quite done.

But I wanted to share an interesting story from this past weekend. We were at the park (DH, DD, and I) when a family walked up with 6 kids. I got to talking with the dad, there are actually 8 kids in the family. At one point he made the comment that, "You have to die to yourself," if you want to have a big family. Now, I don't think anyone on this thread is debating about the possibility of having a huge family, but many of us struggle with the idea of maybe just having 2. But that comment really hit home with me. I feel like I've sacrificed a ton in becoming a mother, and I've done so completely willingly and joyfully. BUT, I see a time in the next couple years where I will be able to re-find myself as an individual (of course that definition now includes "mom" but there is so much more to who I am beyond that). Having another child seems like it would bring me right back to the "die to yourself" point for several more years.

It was a really interesting comment. He also added that if "dying to yourself" is not something you can do then you shouldn't have more kids. I'm right there with him.

BTW, he certainly wasn't saying the comment to suggest that is what everyone should do...just stating it as the way things are.


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## Just My Opinion

Thanks for the replies mamas









I think the other issue I have to work through is the societal pressure, even though much of it is on a peripheral/subconscious level. Now, I know I shouldn't have another child because 'everybody's doing it' lol, but sometimes it feels like I am the only person in the universe with an only so far. I belong to two crunchy mamas groups that tend to overlap, and everyone has like, a 24 month old, a 10 month old, and is pregnant -- or similar. I even had someone's husband say to me that it would be "pretty difficult being part of this group with only one child". That hurt me a lot, though I know he didn't intend to be mean. I think he was just making a (bad) joke or something.

I also get the vibe that I am not as "qualified" because I only have one, which is crap because I've paid my dues. Then, I tend toward bitterness and not-nice thoughts -- which is not positive or productive in any way.

...but then, I look at our amazing daughter, and love the fact that there are no more diapers, or midnight wake-ups, or crazy tantrums (I mean, other than the rare one - she is growing out of them). She is reasonable, and can be taken anywhere -- she travels like a DREAM - I mean, long flights and three airports and everything -- My husband and I have a joke that we don't want to "rock the boat" because what if our next is a holy terror -- murphey's law right lol

Thanks for letting me work through all this stuff on this thread. I read the whole thing and it is definitely very positive and there is a lot that attracts me to having an only. I am just unsure yet.


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## Indigo73

I have to admit I don't struggle much... probably because at an early age I was settled on not being able to have any. So my one is/was a surprise. We do waffle a bit about fostering or adopting, but I am physically and medically done. The other is in the future... a some day that may never come or could be tomorrow if the universe drops the situation in our laps.

I can relate a bit to you, JMO... most of my "crunchy" friends have tribes (their term, not mine). But there are a few of us with onlies and I am cool with it all. I love filling my house with everyone else's kids and then sending them all home for a quiet evening of just the three of us.


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## lee1203

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
I'm probably going to leave you ladies, since my last chance at fertility treatments actually took and I'm pregnant. Having had one loss makes me a bit skittish though.

Congrats! I see your due date in your sig. 10/22 is a great day to have a baby.









And I agree with y'all about the bolded part of Just My Opinion's quote. I must say though, that more often I'm terrified than sad.


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## Just My Opinion

I never had these feelings when dd was little. I never would have faired well at having closely-spaced children







so I never really thought about it. Now that she is nearing four though, I am suprised at the conflicting feelings I am having, and don't really have anyone to talk to about them, due to the fact that everyone I know has more than one child, so the advice is more than a tad biased







.


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## Krisis

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Just My Opinion* 
Thanks for the replies mamas









I think the other issue I have to work through is the societal pressure, even though much of it is on a peripheral/subconscious level. Now, I know I shouldn't have another child because 'everybody's doing it' lol, but sometimes it feels like I am the only person in the universe with an only so far. I belong to two crunchy mamas groups that tend to overlap, and everyone has like, a 24 month old, a 10 month old, and is pregnant -- or similar. I even had someone's husband say to me that it would be "pretty difficult being part of this group with only one child". That hurt me a lot, though I know he didn't intend to be mean. I think he was just making a (bad) joke or something.

I also get the vibe that I am not as "qualified" because I only have one, which is crap because I've paid my dues. Then, I tend toward bitterness and not-nice thoughts -- which is not positive or productive in any way.

Yes yes yes yes YES!!!! And yes to your terrified vs sad thought too from the earlier post. I know EXACTLY how you feel though and it's really not helped by the fact that I live in Utah where I swear NO ONE has just one child. All of my friends are pregnant with their firsts, so while they'll have onlies for a while, it won't last long. I'm afraid to go to church because I don't want to be asked when I'm having my next one. Argh. I'm worried about people not thinking I'm qualified as Toby grows up too - that will srsly tick me off.

I'm so excited for Toby to get older and for us to be done with diapers and to have him be able to talk and express himself and feed himself and EEE. I can't WAIT to travel with him. I am so excited to just have Toby to focus on and to love --

but that said, I really find myself missing his babyhood. I didn't have the best birth experience, I didn't hold him a lot when he was a baby because my grandma held him while I "got stuff done" - and of course now I don't even know what I was doing. We didn't bond until heck, probably this last month. At least that's how it feels for me. You're "supposed" to be able to feel your baby's love for you whenever you look into their eyes right? I haven't felt that until the last month or two. I've had a real hard time adjusting to motherhood, and right now while I love Toby to death and can't imagine life without him, I think adding another baby to the mix would just mess with my dynamic. It would be too hard for me.

And I, too, am looking forward to being my own person again in a few years.

I don't know why I yap so much about this as I don't have the option anymore (well, we'll find out for sure if the Essure worked in June) but I think about it a lot. It sucked to have my choices taken away from me, but more and more I'm becoming okay with everything turning out how it has.

(Except for the bleeding and the sharp metal bits in my uterus that still ache sometimes. That part I'm not really okay with.)


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## Just My Opinion

Thanks so much for your reply. This thread is becoming like therapy for me as I try to navigate my own feelings and make sense of the conflict in my head and heart.


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## Pookietooth

So, Kris, your operation is permanent and irreversible? What did you mean about having your choices taken away from you? Did you mean because becoming pregnant again is not possible with your health?
Just My Opinion, I have PCOS too, but did not conceive ds easily. I was still a tiny bit disappointed that I coudn't conceive on my own.
So, I guess I am going to unsubscribe from this, since it seems that my pregnancy is continuing and healthy (part of me doubts that I really will be able to carry it through, what with losses). But I can always return in that case. Thanks for all the support and the best of luck to everyone.


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## EnviroBecca

It's good to know others in the same situation! EnviroKid is 4, and I'd say I'm down to 75% wanting him to be an only child, whereas I was at 90%...

On one hand, both EnviroDaddy and I feel so busy and overwhelmed so much of the time that it's hard to imagine throwing another pregnancy-then-baby into the mix! I feel like half the sentences I say to my child are either, "Hurry up!" or, "I'm busy!"







This year's Girl Scout cookie sale went so stressfully (and my assistant leader QUIT right in the middle!







) that at the peak of it, I agreed with EnviroDaddy's persuading me to take a year or two off being a troop leader, even though I love it in many ways.







I was very sick during pregnancy and can't see how we'd handle that while taking proper care of EnviroKid. (We have no family nearby.) We're enjoying the way my waistline is getting more and more similar to the way it used to look. We'd like to visit Europe, and not only is it more affordable with one kid, but traveling with an older child is more fun and worthwhile (he'll remember it) than with a baby. My job recently began requiring 40-hour weeks instead of the previous flexibility, and EnviroDaddy is now a contract worker instead of having the stable job he had when I was pregnant and then working part-time, so I'm now our secure source of income and might not be able to afford to go part-time again. The home childcare we used until EnviroKid was 2 was rather expensive, so we might not be able to afford to go that route again, but I don't want to put an infant in a center. We've given away or sold a lot of the baby gear. I'm mostly feeling like my motherly ambition is fulfilled and I have enough kid to satisfy me. Earth's population is big enough as it is.

On the other hand, I miss having a baby! I never thought I'd say that--I always figured babies were worthwhile mainly because they grow up into kids--but I feel like I got a lot of the mothering-a-baby stuff right (nursing, sling, attachment) and in some ways I'd like to do it again, even though it was very demanding. Also, to my surprise, so far I find being the mother of a preschooler much LESS pleasant than being mother of a baby or toddler; for over a year now, he's been very demanding and temperamental, so although I do enjoy things like having real conversations with him, I'm also really annoyed with him a lot of the time...and I'm tempted to think that having a sibling would straighten him out! (I know I could be totally wrong about that!) I've been thinking about how my relationship with my dad was strengthened by our being kind of thrown together when my mom was occupied with my baby brother, and I wonder if that might help EnviroKid be more accepting of his dad and EnviroDaddy be less able to dodge responsibility. (Yet I feel dumb writing that, because the obvious response is that we need to work on these issues among the 3 of us before bringing anyone else into the mix!) I do kind of wish for a little girl







and we have such a perfect girl's name in reserve. I've learned more about pregnancy nausea and might be able to prevent the worst of it by avoiding the things I did wrong last time. I could get my figure back again, and we could travel later, but there's not a whole lot of time left to have a baby--EnviroDaddy is 38, and I'm almost 36. EnviroKid will be in public school next fall, so we'll only have to pay for afterschool care for him, and that'll free up some of the budget. We were pretty good at finding deals on baby gear last time, so we could do it again, and we hung onto or loaned (instead of giving away) our favorite items just in case. I know my parents would like another grandchild, but my only sibling is childfree by choice, and EnviroDaddy is an only child; it seems so lonely for EnviroKid to have no siblings AND no first cousins. (He does have second and third cousins near his age.) A number of our friends are childfree by choice or still single, so we'd like to contribute a little more to "our kind of people" in the world.

So...I'm kind of torn, and I've been thinking about it more lately. But here's how I'm seeing it: We've been practicing NFP with the intention of avoiding pregnancy but being prepared to welcome it if it happens. I'm neither hoping that it happens nor dreading the possibility; I'm trusting that what's meant to be, will be.







It's actually weird how peaceful I feel about it, compared to the stress I worked up over TRYING to conceive the first time; of course, that's partly because being a mother is so important to me and now I already AM a mother, but it's also because I've learned a lot about accepting what is rather than striving to match rigid ambitions. At the moment, I'm in the last phase of my cycle and wondering about the odd abdominal sensations I'm having every day now and that sharp pain followed by a few drops of blood when I'm pretty sure I was at 5dpo...but I've also had some minor digestive upset, so that may be all I'm feeling, and I'm pretty content to just wait and see.


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## Just My Opinion

Thanks for your post enviroBecca, it resonates with me a lot.

I feel like we are in such a great place with our daughter, our family runs great -- I am a bit opposite than you though, in that, while I loved the baby phase (well, certain aspects), I adore this age -- I can have plants and pictures out and be completely non-babyproofed and dd is not the type who tears up the house. Now. don't get me wrong, I was a creative mama and let her make a mess and all that, but I don't enjoy mess and a torn-up house and all the baby "stuff" that comes with having a baby (like having to put away everything).

I know that sounds horribly rigid, and on some levels I am really not -- but on another level, I am loving that I can tell dd, "I am taking a shower, come if you need me" and she will happily play and not destroy anything or hurt herself or whatever while I am in the shower for 10 minutes. I love that she is reasonable (mostly) and able to be taken everywhere -- no baby gear to take, no wipes or dipes or anything, just me and her and maybe our kleen kanteen or whatever. I love that she is going to sleep on her own FINALLY at nearly four, although we still partially co-sleep which I always loved.

Then, on the other hand, I get the pangs sometimes. I would say we are a pretty even 50/50 right now, swinging in either direction depending on the day. It is difficult though, when every.single.person. around us has at least 2 kids -- no one really to share with about our thoughts (glad for this thread is what I am getting at).

We too, use nfp, sometimes not being careful even, but with the pcos, I don't know how frequently I am ovulating.

Quote:

So...I'm kind of torn, and I've been thinking about it more lately. But here's how I'm seeing it: We've been practicing NFP with the intention of avoiding pregnancy but being prepared to welcome it if it happens. I'm neither hoping that it happens nor dreading the possibility; I'm trusting that what's meant to be, will be.
That pretty much sums up my thoughts. It is really nice to know others feel this way.

It feels odd to me to be "on the fence" so to speak though, because with dd, I really craved and felt the "pang" for a baby that women talk about. This time, I do and I don't depending on the day it seems. Odd for me.


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## DaughterOfKali

I got those pangs for a few years. Now, I hardly ever get them (only when I see a sweet little girl).


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## angelamariebee

Wow, this thread is long! It'll probably take me a few days to read it all, so for now I just read this page.

I wanted to say that I am very back and forth on whether or not I want more kids. Most of the time I really do feel comfortable with having one child, but there is definitely pressure to have more. I think about 90% of the women I know right now are either pregnant or have just had their second/third baby. Also since I've been having problems with DH I'm not sure if I'm done having children, or if I'm just done having children with HIM, kwim? I'll definitely have to reassess my feelings on this later.

There is something about having only one that makes me feel... _content_ though. I like the idea that it's just me and her most of the time.


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## angelamariebee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamasittingduck* 
Hi Everyone,

My daughter is entering this insane phase of hitting, anger and craziness!! She is so head strong. Her personality matches her fiery red hair, let me tell you (not to mention her own mother's personality!!). Anyway, this is proving to be extra stressful on my husband who is with her ALL the time;

This is a bit off topic but I wanted to say that I wish my husband could talk with a guy like your husband! lol. It's interesting to me that you, as the working parent, understand that it is hard to be a SAHP. And it's interesting that your DH, as a male who is usually the breadwinner, has a chance to learn a different perspective. I think it would help my DH to understand how difficult it is to be a SAHP if he was hearing it from another man, kwim?

Anyway... back on topic. haha


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## 68825

So...at a little boy's birthday party today another mama asks, "Do you plan to have more children soon?" I say, "No, we just want one." She says, "Weird," and walks away.


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## Coco_Hikes

Quote:


Originally Posted by *raingyrl* 
So...at a little boy's birthday party today another mama asks, "Do you plan to have more children soon?" I say, "No, we just want one." She says, "Weird," and walks away.









She was being reflexive and talking about herself perhaps! That's an unfortunate encounter with a stranger, but I hope it doesn't get under your skin for too long. I think people just don't always know what to say to strangers. Tact seems to be falling by the wayside lately!


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## 68825

It didn't get under my skin at all. I just thought it was the most uncensored response so far...


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## Just My Opinion

Comments like that tend to annoy me, personally. That may not have, but ones where people suggest I am denying my daughter this wonderful 'gift' that she 'deserves' in the form of another human being that I (assume) am supposed to bring into the world to be her playmate/future best friend/solution to "only child syndrome" really do tend to piss me off.

I loved what someone in this thread said earlier on (sorry I am not crediting you, I am too lazy to look up the specific post) something like, ' I owe my child a mother, not a sibling.'

We are still undecided, yes, but if we chose to bring a child into the world (or I find myself pregnant again), it certainly won't be because dd 'deserves' a playmate







:

Sorry for the brief vent


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## Krisis

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 
So, Kris, your operation is permanent and irreversible? What did you mean about having your choices taken away from you? Did you mean because becoming pregnant again is not possible with your health?

Yes, once scar tissue forms around the metal coils in my tubes it can't be undone. I think if for some reason the scarring didn't happen, they would have to do a total hysterectomy, but I'm not sure. And yeah, my choices were kind of taken from me because I don't particularly want to die... at least, that's how I was looking at it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DaughterOfKali* 
I got those pangs for a few years. Now, I hardly ever get them (only when I see a sweet little girl).

Sigh... yeah. And we have a perfect girl's name in reserve too, which kills me.


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## marimara

Hi everyone,

Checking in again, I've been reading all your posts on the sidelines though. I was reading another thread somewhere about having 2 small kids and the insane chaos that ensues, it just further reinforced my desire to keep only my dd!

There is no way I'd be happy trying maintain any semblance of order with more than 1 child. I do it okay with one. I'm happy with that. I like having a clean house and almost being done with diapers (staying dry during the day-not for poo though..) It's not that I'm a control freak but just that I'm sensitive. To noise, to mess, to smells, to other peoples' needs. I would be in overdrive all the time. It would make me a raging mess with no life.

I'm happy with the fact that I'm just getting my life back (in the sense that I can paint again-sometimes, sew, do the things that nourish me). People still hassle me about having only 1 but what can i say....I'm happy with one. I don't need anymore. Not that other moms are not happy with their one, but...IDK...I know what those maternal urges feel like, the "oh babies are soo cute". I had a surge a few months ago, it lasted about 3 weeks. Now I'm over it. If I had gone and got pregnant, than now what? I'd be regretting it or at least second guessing myself.

I guess some might see me as weak and not cut out for being a mom, but I'm actually a pretty good mom-to ONE. I'm good when we have friends or cousins over and there is more than 1 kid at my house. I'm ok with that. I just couldn't have more than one round the clock.

It took a long time for me to even consider having even one. People don't understand that just as much as having only one. I remember telling people that I may never have kids and they looked at me like I had 3 heads.

DH had vasectomy and we're happy with that. We don't use any other bc, except to be mindful if I KNOW I'm ovulating at the time.


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## Stella_luna

Hi Mamas,

I need your support today







. DH is having his vasectomy tomorrow and I'm filled with sad and regretful feelings about it. I was up all night panicking.

We have a beautiful 7-year-old DD. We have so many reasons for not having another, the primary one being that I have an autoimmune disease that almost killed me and DD when I was pregnant, and was told by my doctors I should not have another baby (and they were surprised I was actually able to carry DD long enough for her to survive [31 weeks]). It was a 2-month NICU stay for her and a year of healing for me before my body went back to normal.

Besides that, I've never really had a desire for another. I enjoy my DD so much. I do looove babies, toddlers, children, so that makes me waver. I can't imagine never having another one.

DH has wanted to do this for years. He's sick of condoms. I know it's right. I'm 39 years old. It's a lot of risk. I don't really want another child, anyway. But it just seems so final.

If you are an only child yourself . . . please tell me . . . was it OK? Are you lonely? Do you feel you missed out?

If you're an only child parent and ciomfortable with that . . . I just need to hear it will be OK, for me and for DD







.


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## netgyks

it will be okay!


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## mckennasmomma

Those are some really good reason to not have another child. Your health and your family's health are so crucial. I think once his vasectomy is done you will feel much better about it all.

You can always find other ways to fulfill your love of children...maybe spending more time at a preschool and helping out there?


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## Lauren710

Hi mamas, just found this thread and am subbing. SO GLAD there are so many who feel the same way I do!

My DD is an only, we have no plans for more. DH and I aren't "baby people" at all. I had always said I'd be fine never having kids, DD was a surprise baby for us and we adore her but we're definitely not interested in another. I feel very content with our little family as it is, I think with another I'd feel far too stretched time- and money-wise to be a good parent.


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## insahmniak

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stella_luna* 
Hi Mamas,

I need your support today







. DH is having his vasectomy tomorrow and I'm filled with sad and regretful feelings about it. I was up all night panicking.


I'm sorry for your sadness. I think it's okay to grieve. The reasons you have for not having a second are very much like my own. I can say that for me, the decision to not have another was not black and white. There was a downside to each path (to try to have another or not). Each path has its own risks and potential heartache. I have to remind myself of this sometimes, particularly when holding those precious newborns and watching our friends' young children. Sometimes it's hard to come to grips with that time being over for me.

In the end, after I slog back through all the positives and negatives, it does always come down to having an only being the right decision for me and my family. I wish I didn't have to go back through the reasoning and second guess myself. But I suppose that's due to it being a somewhat close call for me. I think that makes decisions tougher.

That's all from the negative point of view, which I think is valid and really is worth mourning if that's where you're at. I know I need to do that sometimes. But I should probably also try to look at it from the positive point of view and ask myself what I sometimes ask my daughter when she's having to decide between two wonderful things (such as cake now or ice cream later?). Rather than mourning the loss of one, try to look at it as a choice between two good things. Either way, you can't go wrong. And it's so much easier to enjoy the one you've chosen when you look at it that way.

If you still are very undecided you could wait until you're in a more accepting place. The appointment can always be rescheduled. If it's a matter of letting go and grieving, then I hope you are surrounded by supporting, loving people whom you can lean on and take care of yourself today. I'm here. I understand.


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## Caneel

Quote:


Originally Posted by *insahmniak* 
I'm sorry for your sadness. I think it's okay to grieve. The reasons you have for not having a second are very much like my own. I can say that for me, the decision to not have another was not black and white. There was a downside to each path (to try to have another or not). Each path has its own risks and potential heartache. I have to remind myself of this sometimes, particularly when holding those precious newborns and watching our friends' young children. Sometimes it's hard to come to grips with that time being over for me.

*In the end, after I slog back through all the positives and negatives, it does always come down to having an only being the right decision for me and my family. I wish I didn't have to go back through the reasoning and second guess myself. But I suppose that's due to it being a somewhat close call for me. I think that makes decisions tougher.*

That's all from the negative point of view, which I think is valid and really is worth mourning if that's where you're at. I know I need to do that sometimes. But I should probably also try to look at it from the positive point of view and ask myself what I sometimes ask my daughter when she's having to decide between two wonderful things (such as cake now or ice cream later?). Rather than mourning the loss of one, try to look at it as a choice between two good things. Either way, you can't go wrong. And it's so much easier to enjoy the one you've chosen when you look at it that way.

If you still are very undecided you could wait until you're in a more accepting place. The appointment can always be rescheduled. If it's a matter of letting go and grieving, then I hope you are surrounded by supporting, loving people whom you can lean on and take care of yourself today. I'm here. I understand.

My bold - thank you for posting that, it sums up what has been rattling around in my mind.


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## greenmama

It is a hard permanent decision, but really having an only can be such a blessing. I love the relationship we have with my dd, and it is definitely different when there are more family members in the mix. You may want to focus on that. I had to make my dh wait until dd was safely delivered, because he would have done it while I was still pregnant. I love that I haven't had to worry about birth control, and as things have worked out one birth child was perfect for me. I have also had the blessings of two step children and three step grand children, one of whom currently lives with us. while I love lily immensely and will be sad to see her return to her mother(possibly next week), I am also looking forward to being able to give my limited energy to my dd not split it between such varying needs. My health is also a drain on that limited energy.


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## SweetPotato

Hugs to you, Stella_Luna-- I'm sure it must be hard going permanent. I think you're doing a wonderful thing for your child in giving her the gift of a living mother-- she needs you far more than any hypothetical sibling. Every time I start worrying that I'm somehow depriving my dd by not having another, I simply open one of the great books about only children-- there are hundreds of stories by mothers who shared my concerns and by psychologists who have worked with thousands of children-- and they overwhelimngly statethat not only will a single child be okay, they will likely flourish! It sounds like you're making a very solid, if difficult, decision for your family.


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## hollyvangogh

DD was born in Dec. We had always planned on a large family (DH is 7 of 8, and we used to belong to a religion that expected it which we left in January, etc). But after DD was born we both became really fond of the dynamic of 3. Obviously it's still awfully early to make the decision for sure. But we're really feeling like our family is complete. My issue is that the idea of never being pregnant nor caring for and BFing another baby makes me sad. Plus my birth didn't end the way I had hoped and I wish I could do it one more time. But as much as I want another *baby* I don't think I want another child. It's a bit overwhelming to think about though...and it makes me sad because DD is growing so fast and I'm trying so hard to cherish each moment but her infancy is just slipping away from me so quickly and it's breaking my heart.







Why do they have to grow so fast? I just love







DD. I want this time to last forever. So the idea of doing it again is tempting since that's the closest I'll get to it lasting forever. But I know it wouldn't be the same. And I know that it isn't fair to bring a child into the world just because I want to do the pregnancy/birth/baby thing, kwim?

I'm glad I found this thread. I've been browsing what you mamas have to say and it helps me feel a litlle more at peace.

For those who chose to have just one, how long did it take for you to decide for sure?


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## Just My Opinion

We are still waffling, so I can't help you







but I think your feelings are very natural mama.


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## Krisis

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollyvangogh* 
But as much as I want another *baby* I don't think I want another child.

And I know that it isn't fair to bring a child into the world just because I want to do the pregnancy/birth/baby thing, kwim?

YEP. I know. My birth experience was a nightmare and for SO long I wanted a chance for a do-over. Then I finally realized I didn't necessarily want another child, just a chance to do everything over with Toby. And since that can't happen, it's not worth beating myself up over.


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## labdogs42

I'm an only and I have an only. I know I posted way back near the beginning of this thread about loving being and having an only. Don't let other people's opinions and stereotypes of the "lonely only" or "spoiled only" influence you. Also, remember that you could always decide to adopt, so your DH's vasectomy doesn't have to be the end of the parenting road for you. So, keep that in mind, too!


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## alekslasce

Hello!!!

We only have DD and she'll be our only child as I won't be able to have more children, due to some health issues. But I'm really happy with my DD. And I feel our family is complete. I can't really see myself taking care of another child. So I think it was all meant to be this way. Besides, DD was birth was not the most beautiful birth one as I pictured them to be and I had tons of complications during my pregnancy.

At this point, I'm just happy that I found the right man to make my little family. And he's glad too, we are loners and we thought we were staying that way forever! So now, we give all our love and attention to DD. We adore her, I couldn't imagine my life to be any different.

But I'm getting a little bit nostalgic, DD is turning 3 in July and she's passing from the toddler to child stage and it's, hard. Sometimes I wish she could stay this way forever. I like to have a 2 year old.

BUT... she's WAAAY to clingy, I though that was a stage, but it seems that it's just part of her personality. She's a very shy little girl as well, but she got that from SO and I, we are really shy people. But the clinginess, it's just so extreme. I can't do anything on my own, I can't even go to the bathroom by myself. She basically spends most of her time burrying her face on my or SO's shoulder or chest while we are outside.

But I dont understand why people care about us having only one child. IS none of their business and that bugs me







:


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## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stella_luna* 
If you're an only child parent and ciomfortable with that . . . I just need to hear it will be OK, for me and for DD







.

Dh had a vasectomy when dd was 3. She is 9 now. We are all okay.

Dd does not want a sibling or seem like she is missing out.

I don't come to this thread as often now that dd is getting older. Dd being an only has just become less of an issue for me.

The only way I'd want to add to our family now is an older child.


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## SweetPotato

Welcome Aleks









One thing that I'm dealing with right now that I wonder if any of you can relate to, is that I feel like things are finally reaching a good, good place in my world (dh and I had some trouble adjusting when dd was small, 3.5 years of crappy sleep, etc.), and now a part of me starts to feel like we could handle another-- even though my logic also tells me that another baby would likely rock the boat in a big way and re-change everything that I'm enjoying about our life now! On the bright side, I'm still not really feeling any longings (and this with all my friends and neighbors having new babies all over the place) I guess it's back to the same old "I don't really WANT one, but everybody else is having one, and I'm kind of afraid that someday I'll wish I had had one." I seriously need to find some moms of onlies to hang out with irl! Maybe I should start a group in our town- anyonehave any ideas of how to do that?


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## HoneybeeWaterfall

Time for me to stop lurking and join.
Stella Luna, I have different circumstances than you and haven't had a permanent bc method yet. But I am 39-ish and see the likelihood of another bio-baby dwindling.
Recently talked to my good girlfriend of two, an 11th grader and a 7th grader. She had her tubes tied after the second because she knew that was her limit. I told her about my waffling and then I said -but then I imagine that little face that could be here and I will be missing. She said - yeah me too! No matter when you're done, she said, if you enjoy being a mother, you will have some of those feelings. That did make me feel better.

Also, ladies, read this. Moms of Onlies 20% happier than Moms of None, and additional children may decrease that happiness rate. I realize it is statistical and individual experiences will differ, but it is a nice counterpoint to the fact that everywhere culturally you see the two children (or more) families everywhere.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/artic...22-000001.html

M


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## Stella_luna

Thanks everyone







. He had the vas today and I am fine with it. I had a few days of pretty hard grieving, but I realized I don't want a new baby at all, I'm just missing my DD being a baby, and a toddler, and every year I pine a bit that she will never be that age again. It seems every age she is she gets even cuter and more amazing. This is definitely the right decision, and your words made me feel much better. Our little family is really perfect the way it is, and I'm already really happy he had the vasectomy. Honestly, it's kind of freeing knowing we're really done







.


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## widemouthedfrog

Hugs to you, Stella_luna. Glad to hear that you've moved through some of the grief. We haven't done anything permanent, and I still get that way sometimes.

Honeybee, interesting study! I agree with the findings about moms, even though I would have another if I could. I hadn't considered the first son/first daughter bit. I think that is true in our family, actually - even though dh is not really a "man's man," I do feel that he might have gotten more enjoyment out of having a boy.

I am sure that I have a different sort of understanding of dd because we are both female, because I understand the cultural experience of being a girl. Sounds totally obvious, but it hadn't really occurred to me, since I haven't raised dd in a very "girly" way and don't really think of myself as "girly" in any way, either.

(Those who've looked at my photos might disagree, since there are a lot of dd in ballet, but honestly, she just loves dancing and the teacher is amazing!)


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## Areia

NYCVeg said:


> There are certain things that we want to provide for dd that would be a financial strain with more than one: travel, private schools.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> :
> 
> This was a big reason for us as well. Also, I know my limits. I am not a very patient person and had trouble adjusting to the demands of a baby at first. Right now, I am an awesome mother.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> : If I had anymore, I think I'd end up the mom who always yells at her kids.


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## Allison62

"If I had anymore, I think I'd end up the mom who always yells at her kids"

I could not agree more with this statement! That would totally be me.

I'm 37 and have a 2 year old DS, an only, and am loving all the positives that come with having an only! I have read pages of this thread, and am so glad I found it.

I wanted to know if anyone else has ever used the term "my one and only" when talking about your child in public? This didn't dawn on me until I saw a doctor that I hadn't seen before, when DS had pink eye. She was so friendly and asked if DS had any siblings at home, I said "no, thank goodness!" and she laughed and laughed. Then it just came out of me, I said "no siblings, he's my one and only", and she said that she didn't have any kids, but thought the idea of having just one was so wonderful. So I plan to say "my one and only" every time someone brings the siblings issue up.







:

I have a sibling (not close to him whatsoever), and I don't remember my parents having any cute phrase to describe us to people, you can't say "my two and only", I guess "my two kids" is what people say.

"my one and only" makes being an only child sound so special, to me anyway.

Also, when I think of my childhood friends, I was always at the houses of my only child friends, and their parents seemed so happy that I was there with them. They seemed so in love with their onlies, and I wished my house felt like that when I was little. I don't remember going very much to my friends' houses that had siblings, guess their parents had enough on their hands! That is another reason why I love having an only, I want DS to have his friends over all the time as he grows up, and I want to enjoy that dynamic, instead of being pulled in many directions, with many kids and many schedules.


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## Areia

"my one and only"

I LOVE that -- I'm going to start using that.


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## Krisis

Yep, ever since I got "fixed" (hehe! I was SPAYED! I crack me up) in March when people ask if he's my first I say "he's my only!" Or the one and only thing.

I'm already the mom who yells at her kid







lots of times so thank goodness we are done. I'll always yearn for a little girl but only in theory!! Toby's been awful this week and I'm hanging on by a thread to my sanity. Thank goodness the weekend is here and we are visiting grandma tomorrow. I might actually get a moment to relax!!


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## Indigo73

That is how I refer to my tubal... I got "spayed." It has been well over 7 years and I am very happy and comfortable with my decision.


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## boatbaby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Areia* 
"my one and only"

I LOVE that -- I'm going to start using that.










Me too!







: I always exhale a sigh of relief when I come home from play dates where we're stuck indoors with multiple feuding siblings.














I feel like this is the only safe place to talk about that.


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## karlin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
Me too!







: I always exhale a sigh of relief when I come home from play dates where we're stuck indoors with multiple feuding siblings.














I feel like this is the only safe place to talk about that.

Yes, I often say that...and I totally agree about coming home to a peaceful house.


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## aprons_and_acorns

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Areia* 
"my one and only"

I LOVE that -- I'm going to start using that.









I use that a lot when people ask "Is he an only child?" or "Do you have any other children." It sounds so much warmer than just saying yes or no.


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## labdogs42

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HoneybeeWaterfall* 

Also, ladies, read this. Moms of Onlies 20% happier than Moms of None, and additional children may decrease that happiness rate. I realize it is statistical and individual experiences will differ, but it is a nice counterpoint to the fact that everywhere culturally you see the two children (or more) families everywhere.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/artic...22-000001.html

M

Great article! TFS!


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## hollyvangogh

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
Great article! TFS!

Yeah! I read it to DH. We liked it. I'm going to print a copy to put in my "I'M the Mama" binder.


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## AnalogWife

*


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## forest~mama

Hi all, I'm new to the thread-NYCVeg sent me over









Quote:


Originally Posted by *marimara* 
Hi everyone,
I'm happy with the fact that I'm just getting my life back (in the sense that I can paint again-sometimes, sew, do the things that nourish me).

I guess some might see me as weak and not cut out for being a mom, but I'm actually a pretty good mom-to ONE.


I feel like this too. My dd is 3.5yo and I finally feel like I can do things that I enjoy again. I'm also almost done with my degree (finally at 31) and I want to start working at some point.

I also feel like I am a pretty good mom to my daughter, but if I added another I might not be.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Allison62* 
"If I had anymore, I think I'd end up the mom who always yells at her kids"

I could not agree more with this statement! That would totally be me.

I so agree with this too!

Anyway, I'm really having a tough time deciding whether or not to have a second child. I like how things are smoothing out now. I'm not sure I am sane or patient enough to be the mom to 2 children. But I also am not sure that I'm not. I've been working on my degree and/or an at home business for all of dd's life.

If I was working outside the home with kids in school maybe I would be fine. This is what I always think about. Maybe I'm just dreading the few years of adjusting to a baby/toddler. Maybe since dd will be in school by the time I had another baby it would make things easier than the horror stories I hear of having two in diapers.

It's very difficult to make this choice, and the fact that dh really wants another baby makes it more difficult. I haven't been on MDC much for a long time, but I'm so glad to find this thread.


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## mckennasmomma

My mom was in town the other day and I told her that we are planning to just have one child. I know it is not what she wanted to hear, but my mom is a great person and would never tell me what to do in that way. (see my post about her: http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1026636)

My dad however is another story. I'm nervous because I'm figuring my mom will tell him I told her that, and he has NO PROBLEM telling me every time I'm doing something wrong. I've already tried telling him to mind his own business (recently he told me that by co-sleeping I was preventing my then-7-month-old daughter from becoming indepedent!!!) and you can imagine how that went over.

So....any suggestions on what I can nicely say or do when he decides to tell me what a mistake I'm making?


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## forest~mama

I am glad that at least nobody in our lives has mentioned anything about us having another child. We heard a few mentions of another baby when dd was still a toddler, but maybe they figure we aren't going to have anymore by this point.

mckennasmomma-I have no advise for you, but I'm glad that you have a mom who supports your decisions.


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## hollyvangogh

Does anybody here homeschool their only child?


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## majikfaerie

I unschool my only child


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## greenmama

we homeschool our only child (9yo). At the moment it doesn't feel like it, as we have had custody of my step-granddaughter (turning 4)for a year, and my homeschooling has been seriously reduced by my illness (ms)since this winter (reduced enough that I've had to consider putting her is school next year), but its that time of year to start planning for next year (which I love doing) I'm really hoping for an exciting homeschooling year next year.


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## californiajenn

Unschooling my 10 yo.


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## insahmniak

Home/unschooling our nearly 6 year old. And I love it.







:


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## hollyvangogh

Good to hear. I'm planning on HSing Lucy. And I wasn't sure what to expect since almost all the stuff I find (books, on the internet) is written by families with multiple kids.


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## majikfaerie

the unprocessed child is written by a mother of an only.


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## hollyvangogh

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
the unprocessed child is written by a mother of an only.

WoAh! Your siggy blew my mind.


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## majikfaerie

,ƃuıʍolq-puıɯ, ʇı pǝllɐɔ ǝʌɐɥ ʇ,uplnoʍ ı ʇnq 'ǝɯosǝʍɐ ʎllɐǝɹ sı ɥʇǝqɐʇsǝıɟ oʇ ʎɐpɥʇɹıq ʎddɐɥ ɥsıʍ oʇ pɐǝɹɥʇ ɐ ¿ʇɐɥʍ


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## Krisis

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 







,ƃuıʍolq-puıɯ, ʇı pǝllɐɔ ǝʌɐɥ ʇ,uplnoʍ ı ʇnq 'ǝɯosǝʍɐ ʎllɐǝɹ sı ɥʇǝqɐʇsǝıɟ oʇ ʎɐpɥʇɹıq ʎddɐɥ ɥsıʍ oʇ pɐǝɹɥʇ ɐ ¿ʇɐɥʍ

You broke my brain.


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## majikfaerie

sorry. it's probably because i have an only child, and therefore have time to do fun things. actually, if you have a laptop, just lie with it upside down and it works


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## hollyvangogh

¡ɐɥ ɐɥ ɐɥ ɐʍɯ ¡spuıɯ ɥʇıʍ ssǝɯ uɐɔ oɥʍ ǝuo ʎ1uo ǝɥʇ ʇou ǝɹ,noʎ


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## mckennasmomma

whoah. i have no idea how y'all are doing that!

but if we were IRL, i could demo my uncanny ability to speak fluent Backwards and write mirror-image cursive!

majikfaerie, i'm glad to see you are still on this thread. i thought maybe you had jumped ship.


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## boatbaby

We're homeschooling/unschooling our only child too.







:
I love being able to go somewhere on a whim with him, see something interesting and run with it, concentrate on what he's passionate about.


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mckennasmomma* 
whoah. i have no idea how y'all are doing that!

but if we were IRL, i could demo my uncanny ability to speak fluent Backwards and write mirror-image cursive!

majikfaerie, i'm glad to see you are still on this thread. i thought maybe you had jumped ship.









it's just creative use of the character map. every font has special characters that may or may not be on your keyboard. like russian letters, greek, hebrew, symbols, umaluts, accents, etc. ♥☻☺♦♣♠•◘○◙♀♪♫☼►☺↕‼¶↨§▬↑↓→←☻↔▲▼ éâäàåçêëèïîìÄÅ etc etc.

and yeah, I'm still on this thread







I haven't been around much lately because I was in thailand for 6 weeks attending a birth and i didn't have much internet acccess, and then i kinda let most mdc threads slip. but it's nice to know i was missed


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## majikfaerie

wow, it seems like there's actually a whole bunch of us only child families home schooling







:


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## Embee

Unschooling an only here too. He's 8 1/2 (just about).


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## boatbaby

Maybe homeschooling only children could be a whole different tribe in another forum? I know I have lots to discuss along these lines...


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## SweetPotato

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mckennasmomma* 
So....any suggestions on what I can nicely say or do when he decides to tell me what a mistake I'm making?

I have a family member who has made comments about how lonely and maladjusted onlies are and how it would be horrible for us to keep dd an only. What I've done is read a lot of books and articles about onlies, which has allowed me to happily and confidently tell her that "you know, I had some reservations at first because of all the stereotypes about only children, but after reading these books I feel really reassured to learn that only children are really just like any other children (except maybe a little more successful and popular- but that doesn't sound bad to me!) Research shows that the lack of sibling competition can actually promote greater generosity, independence, and self-confidence. I'm glad to learn that the stereotypes are just that, and I really believe that everyone in our family is going to thrive as a result of this decision."


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
Maybe homeschooling only children could be a whole different tribe in another forum? I know I have lots to discuss along these lines...

yep could be a good idea. perhaps in the HS section. post a link here if you start a thread tho









Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
I have a family member who has made comments about how lonely and maladjusted onlies are and how it would be horrible for us to keep dd an only. What I've done is read a lot of books and articles about onlies, which has allowed me to happily and confidently tell her that "you know, I had some reservations at first because of all the stereotypes about only children, but after reading these books I feel really reassured to learn that only children are really just like any other children (except maybe a little more successful and popular- but that doesn't sound bad to me!) Research shows that the lack of sibling competition can actually promote greater generosity, independence, and self-confidence. I'm glad to learn that the stereotypes are just that, and I really believe that everyone in our family is going to thrive as a result of this decision."

oooh good response!


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## mckittre

My baby is still very young, so I have a lot of time to decide, but my husband and I have recently been talking about sticking to just one. We live in a very small space, we do a lot of backpacking, we need flexibility in our lives...

For those of you who just have one, how close (in distance) are your kid's neighborhood friends? We're in a very rural area, and other kids his age are likely to live around 1 to 3 miles away. We don't have our own car, and don't want to shuttle all the time, but he won't be able to manage that walk as a small kid. How happy are your only kids playing outside by themselves for large chunks of time vs with friends?


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## alexisyael

That's really going to depend on your kid's personality.

We don't play with any of our neighborhood kids. (Mostly they're older, but I just don't like the people who have a kid closest in age to my son.) We are out and about a lot -- less now that he's 3, actually (but I suspect he'll start preschool in the fall... not entirely sure yet, but I could use a break and I think he'll love it, even tho I don't!). None of our friends live within walking distance... buying a second car was THE best purchase I made as a new mama







(I hate that I had to have it, but I did and I love my car! It is an awesome Mazda 5.)

Sorry to be the odd duck out in terms of homeschooling my only... I kinda would love to, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to some time to myself!


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## greenmama

dd didn't need to see much peers until about 3 and then at least once or twice a week became important. throughout those early years she got alot more of my focus than a child with sibling would have, but she is also a good independent player. Now at 9, its something I need to put alot of thought into time with peers is a priority to her (she homeschools). we are probably traveling with dh for work a fair amount this summer/fall and I'm thinking alot about how we will spend our time.


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## Krisis

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexisyael* 
Sorry to be the odd duck out in terms of homeschooling my only... I kinda would love to, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to some time to myself!









:


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## SweetPotato

I feel very lucky that we live on a small culdesac with 9 other kids living all next door to eachothe rin a row. Most of them are older than dd (3.5yo), but she LOVES playing with them- now that it's warm out the kids are playing for several hours together every day. I agree that a lot is personality. While our dd thrives being a group with older kids (who are all incredibly sweet with her), she is completely overwhelmed in a group half that size where the kids are all closer to her age-- 2-3 year olds are just too unpredictable for her, I think. All that said, she does fine playing alone for quite a long stretch now- and she often requests that we stay home and don't go visit other little friends during the day-- but whenever the big kids are out she wants to be right there in the action. It'll be interesting to see how this all evolves as she grows older. I loved living in the country as a child, but I'm also very aware now of just how convenient it is for us now to have so many playmates right outside the front door-- if we ever have to move i'll be tyring to find a similar place.


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## meemee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mckittre* 
How happy are your only kids playing outside by themselves for large chunks of time vs with friends?

ugh this is the hard part. till they can play by themselves YOU are their playmate. it was so hard getting time to myself.

but then once she started playing by herself more and more i became the spectator - only necessary when dd had something interesting to tell me.

when we live in a rural area she is out by herself for hours. sometimes i miss her and go to check on her. otherwise at 4 she would be out there for hours - playing not with toys but with mud, sticks, rocks, leaves, pine cones or whatever she found outside.

even though my 6 year old is extremely social and is a party girl, i think she prefers playing alone. with other kids she doesnt really play her kind of play she socialises. get what i mean? even when seh was in dc and outside when it was outdoor time she would happily be mixing water and sand for soup for over an hour.

right now her reading has really taken off so she reads, reads, reads all the time.


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## angelamariebee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexisyael* 
That's really going to depend on your kid's personality.

We don't play with any of our neighborhood kids. (Mostly they're older, but I just don't like the people who have a kid closest in age to my son.) We are out and about a lot -- less now that he's 3, actually (but I suspect he'll start preschool in the fall... not entirely sure yet, but I could use a break and I think he'll love it, even tho I don't!). None of our friends live within walking distance... buying a second car was THE best purchase I made as a new mama







(I hate that I had to have it, but I did and I love my car! It is an awesome Mazda 5.)

Sorry to be the odd duck out in terms of homeschooling my only... I kinda would love to, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to some time to myself!

We won't be homeschooling either, for many reasons. It wouldn't work for our family and our situation. I think DD will do well in school, I'm not worried. So you're not alone!


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mckittre* 
My baby is still very young, so I have a lot of time to decide, but my husband and I have recently been talking about sticking to just one. We live in a very small space, we do a lot of backpacking, we need flexibility in our lives...

For those of you who just have one, how close (in distance) are your kid's neighborhood friends? We're in a very rural area, and other kids his age are likely to live around 1 to 3 miles away. We don't have our own car, and don't want to shuttle all the time, but he won't be able to manage that walk as a small kid. How happy are your only kids playing outside by themselves for large chunks of time vs with friends?

I think we're in about the same position as you, but a few years further down the track.
my dd just turned 6, and we spent the first year and a half of her life backpacking overland from the south of argentina to quebec overland. then we spent 2 years around europe and the middle east, and then we moved on to south east asia. we've been settled in australia the past 2 years, most of which we lived in a small cabin on 27 acres, 10 miles up a road to nowhere from a small town.
it's been a bit of an effort to arrange play dates, but it works for us. We've found that as long as we have a couple of regular things going on each week, then it's fine. homeschool group on wednesdays, and go to storytime at the library on fridays, market on sundays, plus a playdate somewhere/when with another homeschooled kid (half of dd's friends are HSed onlies as well), that was plenty. (well, almost too much for me!)
We do have a car though.

If you have to walk 1-3 miles, well, I carried my dd in a sling (back wrap carrier) until she was about 5yo when she had enough of walking, so distances like that would be totally do-able.

I wouldn't worry about it now - it's all theoretical till your baby is older.


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## widemouthedfrog

We live in a townhouse complex. Dd adores playing with the other kids, almost all of whom are older than she is (age 3-10). I think it's great to play with a group of children of such diverse ages. Even though they all have very different backgrounds, they seem to play well together.


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## majikfaerie

funnily enough, outside of a school environment kids do play in large age groups. school is the only time in our lives that we are requred to socialise exclusively with people born in the same year.


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## widemouthedfrog

yes - we're at a parent participation preschool, and I find that a lot more challenging, even though many of the parents are there. It's the fact that all of the children are at a similar social level - makes it quite difficult sometimes.


----------



## lee1203

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexisyael* 
Sorry to be the odd duck out in terms of homeschooling my only... I kinda would love to, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to some time to myself!

Nope, I'm right there with you and the few others! I know my somewhat anti-social self well enough to know that if I homeschooled the short one I would not do a good enough job of making sure she had contacts and friends and social situations and all that stuff. See, I'm not even sure what to call it.







Socializing during the preschool years so it's not a complete culture shock once she hits kindergarten concerns me actually, but I've decided that I'm not going to worry about that just yet.


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## mckennasmomma

not planning to homeschool either. i can't wait to go ride my mountain bike during her school hours, rather than the once per week on the weekends that i do now! plus this:

Quote:

I know my somewhat anti-social self well enough to know that if I homeschooled the short one I would not do a good enough job of making sure she had contacts and friends and social situations and all that stuff. See, I'm not even sure what to call it.


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## Indigo73

We aren't homeschooling either, DS is happy as a clam at his school (almost done with first grade at an alterative public school).

If that ever changes, it will be DP, not I, who will stay at home. I am not SAHP material, tried it & didn't like it at all.


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## SweetPotato

I'm actually very interested in homeschooling our dd, but am having a hard time getting dh on board. If the public schools weren't so ENORMOUS and her temperament wasn't so easily overwhelmed in large groups, I might be more comfortable with the idea. It's kinda tough though, because I do really miss my career-- but am finally getting into a nice volunteering situation that I find very fulfilling. Thank goodness we have 2 more years to go before kindy becomes an issue!


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## mckennasmomma

sweetpotato, does your area have much in the way of charter schools? we have a wide selection of charter schools around us that i will look in to when the time is closer, including a Waldorf inspired school and several others that are small and have more of a community to them. having been a public school teacher myself, and having substituted in EVERY school in the district here, i know that public schools are not what i want for my dd, but like i said above, homeschooling isn't either.


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## BellaClaudia

I am considering home schooling although my DD attends few
classes in different programs centers and she is so happy
to go ad interact with other kids as she does not have
this optt. in our neighboruhood and she is happy
to be in a group, class environement so I guess
we will just follow her needs as she exhibit her tendecies...

she is very happy there .


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## katiesk

so, i don't really frequent this thread...but i had a dream last night that i sort of feel like i need to process. but to whom? anyway, if you can bear with me, it is sort of on topic!

dd is about 14 months old. she is mine and dp's unexpected first and is so sweet. i think she is the best and i love having her around.

my dream - in the present, with dd and dp and suddenly i was like, on my way to the hospital to give birth to another baby (not sure why i was going to the hospital??) the baby was going to be here at any moment and i had so much anxiety, i wanted OUT! all i could think about was dd and how she is my baby and how unfair it would be to oust her from that position and she is the only baby that i want! and she was not going to be able to be with me while i was giving birth...but she has never been away from me for any lengthy period of time and she nurses constantly and i was so worried for her and sorry that i had got myself into this ridiculous situation...and where did this extra baby come from?

anyway, it was an awful dream.

i know that i don't want another baby now. i have always thought that i would want lots of kiddos...but since dd was born, i have been so so happy with her. our life is so...easy...and smooth and i get to enjoy my sweet baby all the time and still have plenty of time for myself, cooking, dp, etc. usually, i mean.

having dd this past year has been like having a tiny new friend who just loves to hang out with me all the time. she is so fun! even being pregnant right now sounds like a ton of work. i feel like if i were pregnant, my life would go from being happy and carefree to exhausting and hard. and i would end up liking and enjoying dd alot less.

ahhh! i am so scared of becoming pregnant! and i am not even on any sort of bc!! how stupid am i? stupid stupid stupid!

ok well thats all. it's fine if you all think i'm crazy!


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## mistymama

Wanted to chime in and say we don't homeschool either. Ds finished his first year of public kindy, and will be attending 1st grade next year. I like working (part time) and know with my personality (very anti social) vs ds's (very social extrovert) I just couldn't give him what he needs and be happy myself.

Lately I've been going through one of my phases where I start thinking about having another.







They usually pass pretty quickly, but sometimes I really do want another chance at doing the infant stuff. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

Then again, I think about our freedom, how simple and easy life is right now with ds's age - and how we can afford to do such fun things for him - and wonder why on earth I would consider another child right now.









Is there ever a time where you feel 100% at peace with your choice to have an only? I guess I"m just not quite there yet...


----------



## Indigo73

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mistymama* 
Is there ever a time where you feel 100% at peace with your choice to have an only? I guess I"m just not quite there yet...

100% no... but as time has passed (over 7 years) it's more comfortable and "right" so we are easily at 90%.

If we have another, we'll be adopting a child over 3 but younger than DS (he really wants to be a big brother) but that is very what if at this point and comes up less and less.


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## majikfaerie

katie. i have dreams like that too sometimes.


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## AngeliqueW

Family of 3.
Not planning for another any time soon.
Finally getting the hang of this one!


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## hollyvangogh

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mistymama* 
They usually pass pretty quickly, but sometimes I really do want another chance at doing the infant stuff. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

I've been having a tough time lately with wanting another chance at pregnancy and birth (mine didn't end the way I wanted it to). But I know if we ever do change our minds and want another it'll have to be about _truly wanting another_. Having a kid for any other reason would be wrong. But it's hard to accept that I'll never get to have another chance for a 100% natural home birth.


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## majikfaerie

holly. i also wish i could be pg again and give birth again (and get it right this time







)
but it's not enough reason for me to create a whole extra human being. so i'll just have to get my birth fix vicariously


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## Krisis

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 







holly. i also wish i could be pg again and give birth again (and get it right this time







)
but it's not enough reason for me to create a whole extra human being. so i'll just have to get my birth fix vicariously









Me too. And in my case, I would really like to be able to breastfeed. Oh wells.


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## hollyvangogh

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majikfaerie* 
so i'll just have to get my birth fix vicariously









See...that just makes me want it even harder!


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## marimara

Does anyone have any ideas for how to help my 2.5 dd play by herself more? I give her puzzles, blocks, etc. and she wants ME to do them. Sometimes she does play by herself and I know she is really young still, but she is very bright, and she's just so.....idk, I think, she thinks I'm a kid too!

She's been so bored lately without her Kindermusik and tumbling class she goes too during the rest of the year (music is once a week and tumbling is once a month). I'm kinda losing my grip on what to do with her. There are a couple of playgroups here but the moms are so vastly different from me it's almost unbearable. I do it for her but can't manage a weekly affair with them. I live in a small town, southern,conservative, traditional. Almost every activity is related to church and since I'm agnostic (naturalistic pantheist to be exact







) it's not a good fit for us.

Anyways, I'm struggling this summer to keep her occupied. I made her these lovely craft 'books' yesterday in the Montessori style, since she loves to be so hands on, and she wanted ME to do them, or at least me to hover over her and clap my hands when she did it. That's another thing, dh and I have fallen into the trap of praising her a lot (with the help of grandparents and such-on a 3 week vacation). And I know it's not good to overpraise. How can we ease up on that without her feeling like she is not doing good?

Thanks for being there, only mamas!


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## mama2zoe

Marimara,

My dd was the same way at that age. For my own sanity I had to plan activities for every morning. Like, we would go to the zoo one morning, go to story time at the local library another morning, gymboree another morning, get together with some friends another morning and go to the park on another morning, etc. We'd usually leave around 9:00 and be back for lunch at 11:00 or 12:00. It wore her out so she would nap better and it broke up a long day. After lunch she'd nap and then we'd do some sort of activity in the afternoon - bake cookies, make playdough, do bubbles outside, paint, etc. I had to have some structure to our days or I felt like I was going to lose my mind (and dd was crabbier on days we didn't do anything.)


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## hollyvangogh

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marimara* 
...or at least me to hover over her and clap my hands when she did it. That's another thing, dh and I have fallen into the trap of praising her a lot (with the help of grandparents and such-on a 3 week vacation). And I know it's not good to overpraise. How can we ease up on that without her feeling like she is not doing good?

Oh my gosh, you HAVE to read Unconditional Parenting (by Alphie Kohn)! I'm reading it right now. It addresses this exact issue and I LOVE it!





















The first half or so is very much about why praise (and punishment) isn't good for kids but eventually he gets to HOW to avoid it and what to try instead. Looooove this book!


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## majikfaerie

seconding the alfie kohn recommendation. he also wrote a book called punished by rewards which elaborates on the issue.

marimara; i think that sounds like very typical, age-appropriate stuff. and it's nothing to do with having an only child, IME. kids are just like that, and many kids go through a phase of wanting mama to do it. it's how they learn - by watching you do it. it's also providing her the support she's asking for. she wants you there with her. all the time. that's normal - she needed you with her and close to her all the time when she was a baby, and that wasn't very long ago. the shift from attached baby to independent child isn't over night. and yeah, it can be frustrating.







it will pass.
like mama2zoe said, more planned activities can help.


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## Thisbirdwillfly

Hello! I am the mama of a 17 year old boychild (he's the bird that will fly in my name!) We were not planning on having an only, infertility made the decision for us but I've really come to embrace it.

marimara, Oh, that really brings back the memories. I second the idea of having an activity a day that gets you both out of the house. Are there any moms at the playgroups that you do get along with? I had a few friends where the only time we saw each other was when our kids got together and we kept the conversation light but the kids loved each other and, frankly, it wore them out!


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## marimara

Thanks everyone, she is doing better already. I set up some 'projects' for her to do. And after showing her maybe 5 times or so she is now doing them by herself. She has just been soooo quick lately. She already is kind of bored with them. I think she is going through a developmental spurt lately, esp since she has been waking up at night for the last week.

I will def. check out that book. We have been trying to hold back on the praise, it's just that sometimes it comes so natural when you are proud of your child. I have always tried to not overdo it. We stayed with grandparents for 3 weeks and that's when it got out of hand. As they praised for everything. Plus she just potty learned and that also got her some major praise from grandparents. So, I talked to dh and we are trying to lay off. Thanks for the input!


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## SweetPotato

My dd was like that at that age as well. Now she's 3.5, and it's just in the last few weeks that I've noticed that she will play for really long stretches by herself- it rocks!- I had thought the day would never come! We usually plan to go out every morning as well- but not always for "fun" kid activities. A lot of time it'll be a trip to Target or to the grocery store, then the library one day (but not necessarily for story time- just to pick out/return books) We met some really nice moms at LLL- so I'd recommend that, if you don't go already. In the afternoons the neighbor kids all play outside together, so that's nice and low-key for everyone.

As far as praise- I bet it would be easy for you to switch some of your responses from the knee-jerk evluation "oh- that's so pretty!" "great job!" to questions that let her do the evaluation "do you like it? what do you like best?" and observations "those are really BIG circles!" "you worked really hard on that!"


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## Just My Opinion

bumping for an inquiry! How is everyone doing?


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## robynholly

I am so happy to have found all of you. My DH and I were blessed in Dec with our beautiful DS and we feel totally complete. There are many reasons why we only want one child and after reading all of your posts I know that you all get our reasons why. I am a teacher and I see many families with 3, 4 and even 5 children. I just have no idea how they do it. How can they be doing it? Something has to be missing, right? Something must be falling through the cracks? Although I teach in an affluent town, money must be an issue somewhat....don't you think? My DH and I are at a stage in our lives where our friends are just starting to have kids so we only know people who are trying to conceive or have just one child. I would love your thoughts and perspective on my questions and to know about families you know who have more than one child. Is it as crazy as I think it is? Thanks so much!


----------



## labdogs42

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Just My Opinion* 
bumping for an inquiry! How is everyone doing?


We're great! And more secure than ever about our decision to have an only. The more I see families with many kids, the more I think it just isn't for me. I simply love our life with the three of us. Some people are meant to have big families, I'm not one of them!


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## mom2ponygirl

Can I join in? I've just read the last couple of pages, but I know we belong here! We have an only girl, 10 going on 11. We have homeschooled the past 5+ years, but she is going to school part-time in the fall, sniff...sniff... Actually I'm kind of excited about trying to rejoin my old career or start a new one in the next few years.

We live in a fairly rural area, so there aren't any neighborhood kids to play with. However, through our hs group and other activities, she has acquired a great group of friends. She is a great friend, very social, but also quite content to spend some time alone writing her stories, playing with the animals, or 'frolicking' (her word) outside.

I do sometimes have the wish for another (or two) but age is catching up with dh and I. We love traveling with our little threesome and like that we can comfortably do so. We like that even though we've gone through a couple of lay-off cycles and minor health crises, we have been able to weather them more easily as a small family. I may go into education so I can get my kid fixes there.

Ironically, our dd has several friends who are also onlies. We've had to endure a few comments about 'onlies' from large hs families. You know, most 'onlies' are really messed up, just not our daughter (yet). LOL I made the mistake of posting an answer to someones parenting question (not relating to sibling issues) on our hs group's list and was told I wasn't a real parent with only one. Oh well! I guess the topper was the group member who kept sending me messages with the sig line sporting a quote saying those who fail to procreate sufficiently will not get into heaven. Dh and I are both from sibling groups of 5. There are positives and negatives with large families just like with onlies. However, for us having an only has been a great big positive and only a little longing for a negative.


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## SweetPotato

Welcome new ladies









We're going through an odd period at our house, where dd (3.5yo) is regularly saying she wants me to have a baby and initiating lots of pretend play where she has a sibling (including having me be her big sister, and pretending to be one neighbor girl who has 2 little sisters) While a big part of me knows that this is likely a passing fascination, similar to if all of her friends were getting kittens she might want one too (because ALL of her little friends have babies at home)- a little part of me is feeling a bit anxious about it (especially since I do already waffle a bit about it on my own) We took a week-long family vacation about a month ago, and by the end of the trip she was literally chasing down random kids at a park we stopped at because she so wanted to interact with someone other than dh and me. Dh is still adamant about not having more, but I'm feeling slightly torn- even though when I go through my mental pros and cons list I still definitely favor sticking with one.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
Welcome new ladies









We're going through an odd period at our house, where dd (3.5yo) is regularly saying she wants me to have a baby and initiating lots of pretend play where she has a sibling (including having me be her big sister, and pretending to be one neighbor girl who has 2 little sisters) While a big part of me knows that this is likely a passing fascination, similar to if all of her friends were getting kittens she might want one too (because ALL of her little friends have babies at home)- a little part of me is feeling a bit anxious about it (especially since I do already waffle a bit about it on my own) We took a week-long family vacation about a month ago, and by the end of the trip she was literally chasing down random kids at a park we stopped at because she so wanted to interact with someone other than dh and me. Dh is still adamant about not having more, but I'm feeling slightly torn- even though when I go through my mental pros and cons list I still definitely favor sticking with one.

From what you describe, it sounds like your dd might need more social interaction with other kids--but that has nothing to do with needing a sibling (who, let's face it, wouldn't be ready to play with her for another 2 years or so, even if you TTC right away). Does she go to nursery school? Classes or activities? Have regular playdates? Does she regularly go to local parks where she can meet other kids? Does she have cousins? On vacations, you might be able to find kids' activities (or even short-term camps) run by hotels, etc.

I also have a dd who is VERY social, so we work our butts off to make sure she has lots of time with other kids, every single day: nursery school, parks, the library, time with her cousins, and so on. She plays with the (significantly older) kids in the neighborhood pretty much every afternoon. Even though I'm not thrilled to have a pack of 8-year-olds in my house or to follow dd around outside (she's just 3, and has life-threatening food allergies, so can't play outside w/o an adult), I know that she NEEDS that interaction.


----------



## mom2ponygirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
Welcome new ladies









We're going through an odd period at our house, where dd (3.5yo) is regularly saying she wants me to have a baby and initiating lots of pretend play where she has a sibling (including having me be her big sister, and pretending to be one neighbor girl who has 2 little sisters) While a big part of me knows that this is likely a passing fascination, similar to if all of her friends were getting kittens she might want one too (because ALL of her little friends have babies at home)- a little part of me is feeling a bit anxious about it (especially since I do already waffle a bit about it on my own) We took a week-long family vacation about a month ago, and by the end of the trip she was literally chasing down random kids at a park we stopped at because she so wanted to interact with someone other than dh and me. Dh is still adamant about not having more, but I'm feeling slightly torn- even though when I go through my mental pros and cons list I still definitely favor sticking with one.

My dd went through wanting a sibling at about that age. She soon got over it once she made friends with siblings. She was 4 or 5 when she came to me with this incredulous look on her face and in shock and horror told me that, siblings fight and they even get into each others stuff! Now she still loved playing 'sisters' with her friends (particularly another only) but she never desired a real sibling again. LOL


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## widemouthedfrog

Hi Sweetpotato - sounds like we're twins!
Dd has a "sister" and sometimes a "brother". I find that they tend to go on an extended vacation once it's summer and the kids in our townhouse complex come out to play together. She has wanted a baby for more than a year. Our preschool teacher (also the mom of an only) has a good response, which is, "Dd, when you grow up you can have a baby, and it sounds like you'll really enjoy that!"

I have the same feelings about one as you do, and my dh sounds similar. I'm trying to accept that, but my logic brain doesn't always override the baby brain!


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## Gabes Mommy

Hi mamas! I'm new here, and excited to find some other mamas of only children. DH and I had planned on having two, but since DS arrived 15 months ago, we're very happy with our little family. He's our first... and only.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2ponygirl* 
My dd went through wanting a sibling at about that age. She soon got over it once she made friends with siblings. She was 4 or 5 when she came to me with this incredulous look on her face and in shock and horror told me that, siblings fight and they even get into each others stuff! Now she still loved playing 'sisters' with her friends (particularly another only) but she never desired a real sibling again. LOL

Heh.









I found another good reason for an only for our family. My daughter is being dropped at the end of this month from our daycare because she aged out. We have to put her in pre-school which is $225 more a month than we are paying right now.







I thought they were supposed to get cheaper as they got older in regards to childcare?


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## SweetPotato

UGH!!! We spent the holiday weekend with dh's family and I got an EARFUL from mil about a cousin's dh. Apparently they had gone through a rough patch and EVERY negative personality trait that he possesses (and, thus, all of their marital problems) were attributed to his being an only child. I am so frustrated and angry and hurt. This is after dh basically spent the whole weekend affirming to everyone that we aren't having any more kids. I hate feeling like dd's own grandmother is just going to assume that everything she ever does wrong is because she's an only (it was the barfo laundry list of stereotypes- "never had to share/compromise" "always expects the world to conform to his every whim") plus I feel like it was incredibly disrespectful of me, as the mother of an only, for her to basically be telling me that our choice is wrong and is going to do harm to our dd- when she knows darn well that I would do ANYTHING for this child (heck- with our medical hooplah in getting dd here, I basically did do anything!)

On top of that, I'm feeling frustrated again with having dh tell everyone so absolutely that we won't have anymore. When I think about it, I don't really _want_ a baby- but I've been deliberate about wanting to keep our options open for a couple more years in case we change our minds. He knows this. Somehow, just like telling a toddler that they have no choice- they MUST brush their teeth- can make them even more determined to NOT have their teeth brushed, I feel like having dh say that he will not even consider another child makes me bristle- I don't like feeling controlled or forced into major decisions. We've always been a very great team and made a lot of BIG choices together, but he's SO against another child that I feel compelled to counter it- just so that I can exert some power of my own into the conversation. Not particularly helpful or rational, I know- but it really gets me for some reason.

Had to get that vent out. Still annoyed.


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## marispel

Hi All. I'm new to the Only Tribe. My DS is 11 months old and we are _pretty much_ sure we'll just have him. We started late in life and I am not at all interested in getting pregnant again. It is fun right now with just the three of us but in the back of my mind I'm thinking about his future/siblings.

I get a TON of pressure from my family to have another. I'm one of 7 kids and our DS is the 17th grandchild...so there are lots & lots of kids. My dad told me that when he was in the army he could always tell who the "only" children were. I have no idea what that means & how that is good or bad. I get so frustrated with my family when they say these things.

I love my DS, but I'm not one of those super moms who LOVES everything about parenting. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and soooo much more work than I ever thought it would be. I know it does get easier as they get older, but right now it's not. I work full-time with my own business from home & DH is out of work. There is just so much pressure right now with everything.

My DH & I are hoping to move into a larger town where we have stuff to do and DS will have friends to play with (we live in a very rural town..dripping with ********! and no activities). We are also hoping to downsize our home so that I can work part-time. That may change how we feel about having another - if I had more time, it might be different. It's just so much to think about!!! Money, work, kids...

Well - that's my little story.


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## mckennasmomma

sweetpotato: hoo nelly that is some tough stuff. as for your mil, depending on your relationship with her i might be tempted to say that those are hurtful things to say and by the way here is a book that refutes those stereotypes (and hand her "maybe one"...course i haven't actually read this book but others here recommend it).

i totally understand how your dh's absolute stance has you feeling backed in to a corner. have you told him that is how you feel and that if he could stay a little more open you would most likely join him in his certainty? sounds like you have a strong and open relationship with him, so maybe he would understand that.


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## widemouthedfrog

Aw, sweetpotato. Yuck. My MIL is a lovely person, and she also talks sometimes about the only child stereotypes. This especially irks me because it is dh, not me, who wants the only. However, I am leaning more towards adoption for a second, so that would bring with it its own can of big wormy stereotypes.

So question: what do you do when your child DOES have trouble having people over and sharing toys in her space? She can share like anything at preschool and in our front area, but I rarely invite people into our home because of the screaming and territoriality. I do let her go through her toys before we have people over and let her remove any that feel particularly special to her at that time. It's just...we had a spectacularly stressful play with someone yesterday, and I am still processing.

I can mostly encourage people to play outdoors and I provide some activities for them to do (distracting from the toys), but ultimately, someone MAY play with her toys on her turf.


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## AnalogWife

I too get a little resentful since DH is the one who insists on NO MORE. I know why he does it (money, he SAH during the day/works nights) but still...


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## shrmom

Hi! I'm new here. I'm an only who is mom to an only (so far). DS is just shy of 3 and if it were up to me I'd probably never have another. However, DH wants another someday so we probably will. I don't think I'll regret it but I know I'll want some space between them.

I remember being loney sometimes growing up but didn't know there was anything "wrong" with it until I grew up, had one, and realized how badly society views it







. Now I sometimes feel guilty DS dosen't have a sib, but when I look back on my own childhood I realize that he's fine.

I think being an only provided lots of opportunities for me. The only reason I wish I had siblings now that I am grown up is because DS has NO other kids in the immediate family to see during family events. DH has 3 sibs but none of them are going to have kids for years, if at all. It's too bad because I did like having cousins.

My MIL has been putting pressure on us to have another and when I've said no she's actually been rude enough to say yes, I do need to have another! I thought I lucked out and got a good MIL but now I'm regretting what a stereotype she's being.

I think DS is very lucky. DH and I have a good marriage and I think that is the most important thing for a child. If I could change one thing about my childhood it would be that, that my parents didn't have such a strained marriage when I was little. However, I am greatful to my parents stayed together and set me up for success.

Thanks for reading my ramble if you got this far. It feels good to be able to give my $.2.


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## labdogs42

Quote:


Originally Posted by *widemouthedfrog* 
So question: what do you do when your child DOES have trouble having people over and sharing toys in her space? She can share like anything at preschool and in our front area, but I rarely invite people into our home because of the screaming and territoriality. I do let her go through her toys before we have people over and let her remove any that feel particularly special to her at that time. It's just...we had a spectacularly stressful play with someone yesterday, and I am still processing.

I can mostly encourage people to play outdoors and I provide some activities for them to do (distracting from the toys), but ultimately, someone MAY play with her toys on her turf.

I think this is actually a normal developmental stage that ALL kids go through at that age. It just seems worse because WE (parents of onlies) think it is because our child is an only. It isn't. All kids do this to some extent. I was super concerned about this stuff, too until I realized that my DS was starting to grow out of the phase (at about 4.5). Then I figured out that it wasn't just my kid, it wasn't just onlies, all kids do it and it is OK!

What I did to help encourage sharing was to model sharing with him. I'd share my food, my beverages (yes, even if I was drinking a soda!), my ipod, whatever. If he asked nicely, I'd let him share and we'd talk about how nice it is to share things. Then I talked about sharing with other kids and now we are to a point that we can sometimes have friends over without major meltdowns over every little thing! I do allow DS to put things away before a playdate if he truly doesn't want to share them. I think that is only fair.

I actually think that kids with siblings get worse about their possessions when they are older because they finally DON'T have to share anything. I was an only and I think I'm pretty generous with my stuff. My DH (oldest of two) HATES to share, so what does that mean? Hmmm...


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## SweetPotato

My dd (3.5) is also still in this phase, though it's gotten a lot better over the last year. I agree that it's more age/temperament than an "only child thing" (which, of course, doesn't man that everyone else won't blame it on that!) I made a conscious decision quite awhile ago that I wanted to respect dd's home and things, and so we went for quite some time without having friends over to our house (I always bring snacks to share, etc.- so I don't think that anyone has felt like we were rude for not reciprocating- actually most of them have babies and find it easier if we visit at their homes anyway) I don't like the idea of forced sharing, and so dd and I discuss it before inviting friends over, we both agree on who is coming and I make sure that she understands that she will need to let them play with her things while they are here and that all of her things will stay here and still be hers when they leave. We seldom have problems with one child over, but large playgroups are still too much (I wouldn't like a whole gaggle of women acquaintences messing with my things either!) Actually, she often will now say "mama, can we have ___ over so I can share my toys with her?" We've also had a TON of park dates and lots of playing in the yard- I think it's just easier with kids this age, and I don't follow with the common idea that forcing them to share their things in their home is going to somehow make them more generous (it seems disrespectful to me, and, frankly, I think it would make me hold my things even tighter if I felt worried that I would be forced to share against my will)


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## majikfaerie

I agree with the PPs. it's totally age-appropriate.
I'd suggest going further than selecting a few special toys to put away. does your child have their own room? I'd close that room off and have the kids play in the living room, and just select out a few things that are okay to share. and ultimately, I'd respect my child's wish to not share anything of hers if she doesn't want to. I have the right to share or not share any of my things with (or not) anyone. If I have a friend come over and ask me if she can use my computer, or blender, or books, or whatever, I have the right to say 'no' and most likely my friend will respect that.
it's tricky, but IME, if a child truly has autonomy over her own posessions, and given the freedom to share at her own will, rather than at the coaxing or expectations of others, then she is way more likely to share.

When kids are trained that sharing is something they have to do all the time, it stops being something done for joy, and rather a chore of expectation.


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## Indigo73

MF, I couldn't say it better myself.


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## widemouthedfrog

Thanks, all. From talking to others, I do realize that this is a 4 year old thing. It just seems that some 4s (those with siblings close in age) have a lot of practice sharing daily, whereas mine shares very well in communal areas but has a major meltdown about sharing in our home.

Yes, she does have her own room, and usually we start with a policy of staying out of her room. However, her room has a bed on the floor, and inevitably she decides she wants people in there. Actually, the toys are in the living room, not in the bedroom. Which I suppose could be the problem - we always play and get together in the main toy space.


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## trinity6232000

First post in this thread. . .

As a single Mom to an only (she just turned 9yo in June) it's assumed that I didn't have another because I haven't gotten married. So that makes things easy in a way because nobody ever asks me when I'm going to have another, but I went through those feelings even without a partner.

I love love LOVED being pregnant, my mental health is something I have to really keep checked, and my hormones while being pregnant were the one time in my life I felt strong and balanced. Yet after (starting seriously when my dd turned one) I had a long hard stretch with PTSD and depression. So if I want to be fair to my dd I decided that she would need to be older, AND I would like to be in a solid committed relationship if I were to want to be pregnant again. If I hadn't had such a hard time emotionally, I can't say that I wouldn't have had another child on my own, but I don't have the support system I would want to have in order for that to be an option.

So then I seriously debated fostering, and maybe adopting. But selfishly I would like to be in a better place for myself, and having only one makes that more possible. So that could be an option, someday, but. . .

I love having an only. I love the close connection we have (not saying that those with more than one can't have that, it's just one of the bonus's I have in my life with an only). I love that now that she is older we can run to do anything we wish with a moments notice, without planning, or packing. I also love that I can spoil my dd at times without having to buy for more than one child.

I saw that earlier in the thread some people discussed the what if's of getting older and having an only child. I come from a family with 3 siblings. I am the youngest, they are all 13+ years older than I. In many ways I grew up as an only child, all my siblings had moved out by the time I was 5. When my Mom got ill, I moved home to left my Dad care for her. My siblings didn't help out, didn't help make decisions, and I had to beg one sibling to visit my Mom when she was in the hospital 5 minutes from his home.

I'm not bitter over this, it's what it is. I love my siblings desperately. I am the planner in the family, I am the one who makes the holidays happen. That's my role that I have chosen. So having siblings does not mean in any way that a child will have a built in support system, and it's not a good reason to have another child.

Having friends with more than one child, and seeing the chaos. Some may love this type of life, and I'm just not one of them. I would loose my mind in that much noise. I'm just not cut out for it.


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## Down2Earth

I haven't read all the posts on this thread. It's a big undertaking!









But I decided to stop lurking because my sister said something that really irritated me. Everyone in the family pretty much knows that DD is going to be an only for now. (They all figure we will change our minds.) Anyway one of my sisters has four kids. DD was playing with a toy and one of the kids took it away. She didn't cry or anything (she's still pretty young) she just looked at him and then played with something else.

But my sister said, "Oh look, she's sharing. It's like she already has siblings and knows how to share."








:







Yeah, because my other sister's kids share so well. They act like if we don't give DD a sibling she will never be able to interact with other people.

Anyway, I just had to vent. And I'm so so happy this tribe is here!!!!







:


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Down2Earth* 
I haven't read all the posts on this thread. It's a big undertaking!









But I decided to stop lurking because my sister said something that really irritated me. Everyone in the family pretty much knows that DD is going to be an only for now. (They all figure we will change our minds.) Anyway one of my sisters has four kids. DD was playing with a toy and one of the kids took it away. She didn't cry or anything (she's still pretty young) she just looked at him and then played with something else.

But my sister said, "Oh look, she's sharing. It's like she already has siblings and knows how to share."








:







Yeah, because my other sister's kids share so well. *They act like if we don't give DD a sibling she will never be able to interact with other people.*

Anyway, I just had to vent. And I'm so so happy this tribe is here!!!!







:

That type of thinking infuriates me. Can you imagine if we were allowed to say, "Oh, I'm sure little Joey acts that way b/c he has a brother and just doesn't get enough one on one time from his parents." It's really unfair that any negative behavior an only exhibits can always be explained away by the lack of siblings.


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## netgyks

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
That type of thinking infuriates me. Can you imagine if we were allowed to say, "Oh, I'm sure little Joey acts that way b/c he has a brother and just doesn't get enough one on one time from his parents." It's really unfair that any negative behavior an only exhibits can always be explained away by the lack of siblings.

I totally agree! It's awful. My grandmother didn't like my idea of having an only. Not that I really cared for her opinion, but nevertheless she offered it. She said so what will you do if heaven forbid something happens to your son? I said that nothing else would ever take his place and I would mourn every day for the rest of my life. As if having a second child is some sort of consolation prize. I was really put out by her question. I can't remember exactly how I worded it, but I was very stinging in my response.


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## SweetPotato

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Down2Earth* 
They act like if we don't give DD a sibling she will never be able to interact with other people.


Yeah- this attitude drives me nuts as well. I just read Hold On To Your Kids, and I absolutely LOVED what the authors said about socialization (that seems to be the buzzword I hear a lot when people hassle me about not putting dd in preschool yet- and, of course, ever more important since she's an only of course







) One of the things that really made sense to me- an "aha moment"- is that it's better for children to learn character things from their parents or other loving adults (people who are emotionally mature) than to learn these things from other children (emotionally, socially immature) They ddn't carry it to talk about siblings, but it makes sense to me that a child would better learn sharing, etc. from modelling by adults than from other little kids who are, themselves, just learning. I've found that discussion to be a brief but effective comeback to exactly the sort of statement you describe


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Down2Earth* 
But my sister said, "Oh look, she's sharing. It's like she already has siblings and knows how to share."

ugh. that so bugs me. IME, onlies share waaaay easier than kids with sibs, because they aren't constantly being forced to share and not having anything that's really theirs.


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## Down2Earth

^ That's what I've always thought! But there is no one IRL that would agree with me.







Well, DH does. But I come from a family with 7 kids. DH had 5. Sister has 4. They don't know any other way, I guess. Nice to be here where people _get it._


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## SweetPotato

Send me good vibes, mamas. We're going to spend some time with dh's family. It will probably be great- they're really awesome people- but we'll be around extended famliy and so I'm trying to just prepare myself for the inevitable prodding about having another. I think I could handle that fine, but dd is in a particularly snarky phase right now and I'm dreading what she might say or do. Need some calming thoughts!


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## majikfaerie

:


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## William's Mom

Joining the Tribe!









We have one ds who will be 5 next week!







:

And for numerous reasons, he'll be remaining an only. No time to post much at the moment, but I did want to sub. I plan to be back soon.


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## mckennasmomma

welcome, william's mom!


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## majikfaerie




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## mermaidmama

I have a question for parents of older onlies, did you have trouble with rebellion?


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## mother_sunshine

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mermaidmama* 
I have a question for parents of older onlies, did you have trouble with rebellion?

I have a 12yo daughter. We've had no problems with rebellion. She's always been happy and secure with being the only child. She and I are very connected and close.

ime with rebellion, it's usually been when the child didn't feel connected with and/or respected by her/his parents. That can come in big as well as small families.


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## Molck

I miss you mamas! How's everyone been doing? Anyone's start kindergarten or preschool recently? Any other big events? How did it go?

My LO is 16 months old, and we go to the park every week with a group of kids the same age (actually not our group-- we joined up by accident!) and suddenly *everyone* is announcing that they're expecting number two.

I thought I would feel pressured by it, but you know what? I feel relieved. I know not everyone here has an only by choice, and that some of you would like to be pregnant again, so I'm sorry if this is insensitive, but I'm so happy I don't have to do it again!


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## 68825

My little guy is 16 months old also. I am never sad when I hear about the other mamas expecting #2 or #7! The further I get from pregnancy, the better!


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## mckennasmomma

We hit the big 1 year milestone! Suddenly walking and talking (well, calling everything "doggy" that is, and maybe saying 1 or 2 other words). I say this all the time, but I absolutely love watching her grow and develop and there is so much I will miss, but so much I'm looking forward to, and so much I'm looking forward to putting behind us. It sure does stir up a lot of emotions for me about the "only" debate, but we are still planning to not have more and that really is the right decision for us.


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## majikfaerie

well, my DD turned 6 and 3/8ths








I'm so glad not to be having more. I'm a midwife, and I see people having and raising babies all the time, and TBBH, I'm so happy not to be doing all that poopy diapers and breastfeeding and sleepless nights and starting the whole thing from scratch again. it's just starting to get easy!









that said, my DW has announced that *she* wants to have a baby. not necessarily any time soon, but sometime in the next 10 years. ahhh well


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## SweetPotato

My dd is a couple months away from turning 4-- all my mom friends are at least pg with their second, and several are on #3. I feel like I can admit here that my first reaction (in my mind- I would never say so out loud!) when friends announce another pg is usually a bit of sadness for the older child-- many people seem to have children so close together, and the older child often still seems like such a little one, still in need of so much attention, etc.

As for our family, we're doing fabulous! Dd still has 2 full years before kindergarten, so definifetly no preschool this year, and yet she's old enough that the world has really opened up for us-- I feel like there are so many neat things that we can do together now (that would be quite difficult with a baby in tow) I also feel us getting closer to an age when she can appreciate more serious travel- which is important to me for MY life (I hope that's not pushing the "selfish" button that parents of onlies sometimes get stamped with- but I am interested in doing fulfilling things for myself) I've also recently spent more time with a lady who has a 12 yo only by choice-- and it's been really nice to have someone with a similar outlook to talk with about it all. Oh-- and I'm happy to not be pg with H1N1 floating around- I think I'd be a nervous wreck. That's the synopsis of our only status for today! I'd love to see this thread wake up a little


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## betsyj

We are so happy with our little family of three (well four if you count our adored dog). Our son has mild CP and we feel he needs all our attention. We are also older (spent years trying to conceive with no luck) and don't physically feel up to three more years of bf'ing and sleepless nights.

While the above are our valid excuses to family members we knew in our hearts that our son was all we wanted regardless of his SN's. We each have our own varied interests and one child fits in perfectly. Two or more would not impact our lives in a positive way at this point.

As to people with multiple kids-I am not less of a Mom then they are-and none of my friends with multiple kids has or would ever suggest such a thing. One thing I do like is they have BTDT with sickness and milestones so are often a nice sounding board for me.


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## AngeliqueW

I know someone will understand.
Prior to conception, we successfully practiced fertility awareness for 3 years.
DS is 15 1/2 months and we've stretched out lactation amenorrhea this far. I never imagined it would last this long!
I've been charting- watching out for that sneaky first egg







.
You know what though? I'm *terrified* of getting pregnant. I'm so afraid that I'll ovulate without realizing it.
I haven't wanted sex lately, and I know this is a big part of it.
I just want to give DS all of the babying he needs for more time. And, I'd like to pursue some of my personal goals. And, things with DH are "challenging." And it all would be harder with a second.
Tell me I'm not crazy, selfish or lazy.


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## Molck

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngeliqueW* 
Tell me I'm not crazy, selfish or lazy.

You're not! I just got my period back at 15 3/4 months, and I totally understand the fear of ovulating







. We've been using condoms, but even with that I'm so scared every time we have sex that we'll get pregnant. We've talked about hormonal BC, IUD, vasectomy, and we have reasons to avoid all of them, so for now it's condoms and paranoia. Not exactly the recipe for a fabulous sex life.


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## swd12422

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngeliqueW* 
I know someone will understand.
... watching out for that sneaky first egg







.
You know what though? I'm *terrified* of getting pregnant. I'm so afraid that I'll ovulate without realizing it.
...
Tell me I'm not crazy, selfish or lazy.

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh out loud at this!

We have an only (so far, but I think he's going to end up an only), but through adoption. We are older, so I was reading EVERYTHING about high-risk pregnancies, what you can/can't do during pg in terms of fetal health (like the crazy stuff about chemicals in hair dye and nail polish affecting the unborn baby), etc. I couldn't get pregnant, even with help, so we adopted. Turns out, by the time we started trying I found out it's likely I could never get pregnant. (So much money wasted on birth control!!) With all my infertility issues, I kept reading, and found that those same chemicals that can harm the fetus can also cause infertility! And there are so many other things that are factors. So I cut out the chemicals, started using unbleached cloth pads (the dioxins in tampons and disposable pads are apparently a factor too), yadda yadda yadda.

One year and one adoption later, my cycle is regular for the first time EVER. So while I'm happy that I "fixed" that, now I'm worried that I might actually be able to get pregnant after all! Oh, the irony....


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## AutumnW

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I have only one son and I don't know if we'll have any more. I always thought that I wanted several children but now that I have him and I have changed my educational and career goals I just don't know that I want to add any other children. He is an awesome little guy (2.5 yrs) and I just want to be able to focus all of my attention on him and giving him everything he deserves.

I come from a big family (6 kids) and my sister has 5 and I've seen and experienced how children in larger families band together to help each other because there parents can't do everything they need for them. I know that this would be an advantage point to mothers of many, but I just don't want my son to have to search out ways to get what he needs from others because my husband and I are too busy to take care of all of his needs.

Anyway, I thought you all would understand where I'm coming from in a way that all of my friends with multiple children do not. Oh, and I'm about to start my graduate studies in archaeology and just love the thought of my husband and son being able to travel with me and really have a good time in a way that would be very difficult with a larger family.


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## Megamus

Hi everyone!

I have one son (13 months) and I've been toying with idea of having an "only" ever since he was 8 months and I suddenly realized that I had spent most of his life worrying about my hypothetical second child (I'm one of 2 and I always thought I would have 2...but then I also always thought I would have girl first ). Seriously, when things were bad I would panic and think "HOW am I going to manage this with DC2 when DS is a toddler?" and when things were good I would think "DC2 is going to be hell on wheels because DS is such an angel." It was HORRIBLE. Since I've started feeling out the whole only child thing I've been much happier and I find myself appreciating him SO much more.

I'm working my way through the posts on this thread...only 14 pages in so far, but already feeling so good about it and so happy I found it when I did. My mom is extremely unsupportive of the only child idea and keeps saying that every only child she knows made a point of having more than one kid because they were miserable. And don't get me started on my step-MIL. She wants me to be pregnant NOW (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!).

Story time:
Today we all went to the grocery store. DH was driving and I was in the back with DS, and we got to the turn off for the main road. There's a crosswalk there, and we saw a very harried-looking mom wheeling a stroller with a 1-year-old-ish baby in it and reaching back to drag a little girl along behind her. And DH took one look and said, "Yeah, so...I think we're just going to have the one." It cracked me up, but inside it made me so happy because I just don't think I could be that mom. I have issues with my temper/patience with just the one and i really worry that if I had another I would end up feeling like I hated both of them (and consequently hating myself). One I can get the hang of and enjoy 95% of the time...I'm pretty sure two would drive me bonkers.

So much stuff I'm reading on here is helping me feel good about this decision, and I'm looking forward to reading all the way up to this page and beyond!


----------



## majikfaerie

megamus and welcome to the tribe.
to MIL who wants you to be pg NOW, I'd say "sure MIL, if you can impregnate me, I'll have another baby"







:
well, I might not say it, but I'd definitely think it.








When DP said he wanted more kids, I told him to get his own womb


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## Megamus

Hi! Thanks for the welcome!
OK...I have now read...ALL of the pages on this thread! I know, I'm insane. But honestly, I found it very helpful! DH and I discussed a lot of the points that everyone brought up. And it was so constructive! It warmed my heart last night went we were visiting his family and HE responded to step-MIL's hints (and man, did she EVER hint. And the idea of an only HORRIFIES her)! It was great! He's much better at laying down the law than I am!

We've decided that the only reason we will EVER do this again is if we *both* have the same "I WANT A BABY!!!" feeling that we did when we made DS. Having a new baby was hard enough *with* that conviction...I can't imagine doing it without that certainty. Ugh.

I've been enjoying DS so much lately! I'm really savouring every stage, and I love him so much!

Anyway, just wanted to share (again)


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## jboo7506

WHEW!! I just finished reading all 68 pages of this thread. I loved it! I definitely laughed, empathized, and nodded my head in agreement MANY times!

Let me introduce myself:
My name is Jennifer. I am pregnant (due in early November) with my one and only baby







. We did not find out the sex... I'll letcha know when he/she comes. Before we got married we decided we wanted one and no more. Then I got pregnant and I started hinting that maybe two would be better (why? I dont know). Then I read this thread and I am back on the side of "my one and only."

I feel like I will be able to live in the moment better with just one child rather then having to split my attention for two. I would probably miss out on various things with each child just due to the fact that I can't give both my undivided attention all the time. Financial reasons also were a deciding factor. We can afford for me to stay home because we will be a family of three with relatively low costs. Also, the environment. Also, I eventually want to finish my bachelors degree then a masters and a doctorate. The more kids I have the longer it will take to do that... my husband is not a work horse I don't want him to work/ be stressed out for that long!

I have already dealt with a little bit of slack from my SIL. She thinks we will shelter our child if we only have one AND we homeschool. She doesn't seem to understand first of all that we will get out of the house pretty much everyday, we will be unschooling, and a sibling doesn't necessarily bring happiness and friendship just by being there. She'll just have to get over it.

Thats enough rambling for now. I will be sure to keep up with this thread and post responses.

Thank you everyone for your insightful comments... they have really helped clarify how I really feel about what I can tolerate as a parent.

**Jennifer**


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## majikfaerie

welcome jennifer







awesome to hear from someone who plans to have an only from the outset.
I also have an unschooled only and we dont have any lack of socialising.


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## earthgirl

Hi, Jennifer. We will be homeschooling an only, too. I have to admit that I do sometimes worry about that aspect of raising an only b/c I am such a homebody and DD seems to be heading in that direction. But, I'm not so concerned that I think we are going to somehow damage her. We also knew we would have an only before I ever got pregnant. Now that DD's is here, we feel even more certain. Not b/c she's difficult or not enjoyable, although at times she is certainly both of those things, but more b/c it just feels right. I will also say that as she gets older I really love how much more freedom we have compared to newborn days. It's really nice to not have to worry about that stuff anymore and I just have no desire to relive any of it. Oh, and congrats on the pregnancy, BTW!


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## Down2Earth

I love this thread.







Every so often DH asks me if I want a second child. He is really testing me to see how serious I am about having an only. Reading this thread really helps me stick with my convictions.

I've told DH I would love to have DD all over again. I cry when I look at her first little pjs. But I don't want a different child. I just want to relive those first few months with DD being so tiny. Does that make sense? And having a second child won't give me that because the second kid will be completely different and I'll also miss out on the new things DD is doing.

I guess I'm either selfish or I love DD too much, but I really don't want to share our time with another kid.


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## Megamus

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Down2Earth* 
I don't want a different child. I just want to relive those first few months with DD being so tiny. Does that make sense? And having a second child won't give me that because the second kid will be completely different and I'll also miss out on the new things DD is doing.

YES! I completely get what you're saying!
DH and I just had a conversation the other day about making sure we don't ever confuse nostalgia for DS's infancy with a desire for a NEW baby. That's a very important difference. I love remembering being pregnant with him and being in the hospital and all the first milestones, but I have NOOOOOO desire to experience it again-only-differently.

And hi Jennifer! Congratulations! I hope you're having a comfortable final-trimester, and I think it's so great you're figuring this stuff out now -I feel like I didn't really appreciate DS's first few months because I was so worried about non-existent #2.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megamus* 
DH and I just had a conversation the other day about making sure we don't ever confuse nostalgia for DS's infancy with a desire for a NEW baby. That's a very important difference.

So very true.


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## prairiebird

I wanted to read through this thread and I'm glad I did. Although I am a parent of several children, I have a sister I am very close with that only wants one. Everyone in our family and her husband's family gives her a difficult time about this, but she is in her early 30's, both have careers and lifestyles they love (they do a lot of ecological restoration volunteer work in the Chicago area on weekends), and she truely only wants one child in her mid-thirties. She's also open to adoption if she has fertility issues.

I feel for her because it's something that comes up at every gathering, every holiday party, every time they hang out with friends who have started families with 2 or more kids. They tell her she'll change her mind once she has one, and they tell her that she would be cruel by not giving this future child a sibling. Some of the other things she's been told recently are that her child would grow up weird or spoiled and be a brat, and that her child would be angry at her for having the burden of responsibility for aging parents. There are times she's called me in tears over this, since she is growing closer to the time they'll plan to start trying to conceive.

I think reading though this thread has given me some insight and advice I can share with her that she's not alone in this, so thanks for letting me visit!


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## majikfaerie

welcome prairiebird. awesome that your sister has your support


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## Sonnenwende

I wish I knew why people think that if kids don't have siblings they will never learn how to properly deal with other people and won't be good at compromise and cooperation.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sonnenwende* 
I wish I knew why people think that if kids don't have siblings they will never learn how to properly deal with other people and won't be good at compromise and cooperation.





































I know. Can you imagine trying to make the case that's it's somehow cruel to give your child siblings b/c of the one on one time he/she would be missing out on. No one would even tolerate such a statement. It makes me crazy that we just accept these ridiculous, misinformed beliefs about having an only.


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## AngeliqueW

People say some funny dumb stuff.
DH just got lectured by coworkers about how if we don't expose DS to TV, he wont "get socialized."
Ummm he plays with other kids...








To be mildly rude and vulgar: When confronted by unsolicited advice I often remember the old saying: "Opinions are like a**holes, everybody has one but nobody wants to hear yours."


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## Megamus

Well, today is a day I am VERY grateful that I only have one kid. I've got a hideous chest cold and I'm generally feeling like death warmed over. Having one toddler in this situation is hard enough. Any more children would be exponentially worse. Ugh.


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## Molck

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megamus* 
Well, today is a day I am VERY grateful that I only have one kid. I've got a hideous chest cold and I'm generally feeling like death warmed over. Having one toddler in this situation is hard enough. Any more children would be exponentially worse. Ugh.

That sucks, Megamus. Hope you're feeling better soon.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Molck* 
That sucks, Megamus. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Me too.

And if I had a dollar for every time I said 'Thank whatever I only have one!', I'd be the richest woman on the planet.


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## Sonnenwende

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngeliqueW* 
People say some funny dumb stuff.
DH just got lectured by coworkers about how if we don't expose DS to TV, he wont "get socialized."
Ummm he plays with other kids...









Yeah, the assumption that they never see other children their own age kills me. My daughter has been in full day daycare since 13 months and just recently started preschool. Oh wonder, she's great with other kids and there are almost never any problems.

To your DH's co-workers, I have to say, I have absolutely no clue how watching TV would substitute for real human interaction.


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## AahRee

I'm a mama of an only, too. Katie is 7, and DH had a V about 5 years ago. Although I LOVE babies (I am around them a lot for my work and love, love, love them!), I am (almost always) thrilled that our little girl is an only. I feel like there is never enough of me to give to K as it is. I can't imagine being spread even more thin!


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## Sonnenwende

Welcome aboard!


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## majikfaerie

feel better megamus and welcome vbportraits


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## AahRee

Thanks Sonnenwende and majikfaerie!


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## learn2fly

I am a single mom of only one!

I was always happy with just one child and was happy with either a boy or girl. I am just thankful for the child that I have.


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## Megamus

Welcome! And thanks! I'm feeling a lot better, although I think it's going to be one of those chest colds that sticks around for weeks. Yay?
Oh well, Xander was absolutely great and let me lie on the sofa while he played. I love my baby!









While I was sick I finished reading a library book I got called You and Your Only Child by Patricia Nachman and Andrea Thompson. It wasn't a bad read, but I think the usefulness of the book can be summed up by what they say at the conclusion of the book -after going through all the myths of only children, the things to watch out for (self-fulfilling prophesies of said myths) etc...they finish by saying this:

"Stop viewing your youngster _as an only child_ and consider him or her as your son or daughter...your family...your perfectly fine, healthy, normal family."

Which made me think, "Cool, so I'll just go read some normal parenting books now"  But really, that's kind of a freeing concept anyway! Yay!


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## majikfaerie

nice one!


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## labdogs42

Yeah! We have some new tribe mates! Very exciting. One thing that I discovered this weekend that is nice about having an only (mine is 4.5 now), is that you can invite playmates over and when/if they start fighting, you can send the friend home! Sure, this is probably obvious to everyone, but DS just recently started having friends over for playdates without a parent in tow. It is wonderful because he will play for an extended period of time and I can actually get things done and not have to join in the play! But, the kids knew if they got too crabby with each other, the playdate would have to end. The kids were great and I didn't have to send his friend home because of bad behavior, I just had to end it because we had to go to a birthday party (they played for 3 hours!). It was great. And it was also great that I then only had my one child to take to the party! I love my son and I'm so glad that he is old enough to have friends over to play!


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## Momma2Gianna

Hi there...I'll join. Not because of the demands of my child so much, but because I had a high risk pregnancy that ultimately led to my giving birth prematurely at 33 weeks and I had a tiny 4 lb preemie in the NICU for 2 weeks. (And seriously, if a hospital birth sounds unnatural to you, how about LEAVING the child in the NICU for two weeks and three days?) Not sure I can put myself throught that. And I had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with her, unexplained infertility for almost three years, and a miscarriage recently (the pill failed me.) I also had pre-partum depression, a 25 hour induced labor for which pain meds were unable to help (due to the water retention from the preeclampsia, I had edema around my spine and they couldn't get my epidural placed correctly so I essentially didn't have one, but I hadn't been to any birthing classes so I had NO way to deal with the pain) and I had post partum depression. My intro to motherhood was "unorthodox" at best, and completely overwhelmingly frightening at worst. I now have Mirena....and I love it.

And a lot of it is financials too. I want to give the baby I have ("baby" lol...She's a toddler now) absolutely everything in this world...How can I possibly have another child and split the resources, emotional support, etc? I can definitely see the other side to having another child...The sibbling thing, the family love, etc...But is it worth putting myself through what I went through the first time (I almost died)? If I died, I would leave TWO babies motherless and my poor husband would be lost without his partner, with two small children.

I'd rather foster instead!!


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## LCB

Hello mamas, I haven't read through all of this thread. Some, but not all. Anyway, as I was reading I noticed that most/many of you are in agreement with your partners over the decision to have an only. Here's my issue.

I had a hard, uncomfortable pregnancy. Didn't enjoy it. Birth was fine, but not exactly a pleasant experience. My DD is high needs, high interaction, high touch, poor sleeper. Well, she sleeps ok as long as she's touching me and/or latched on. I'm an introvert who likes a calm, peaceful environment. That being said, I adore my DD. She's 13 months. I love her, I enjoy my time with her. She does wear me out. The thought of having a second child who also needs things from me is frightening. So I seem like the perfect candidate to have an only child, right? My husband loves kids and wants a house full! Three or four. I love him dearly. He's a wonderful man and a wonderful father. I am FULL of guilt to think that I might kill his dreams of a big family just because I don't want to go through it all again. He doesn't make any demands, but he's also made it clear to me that he's ready to start TTC now, but I said I want to wait a litlte longer. So...I've bought myself some time but I'm worried that if I tell him I'm not having any more, the marriage will fail. Not because he's a jerk about it, but because it WOULD make him sad and I think it would slowly creep in and cause problems. Thoughts/opinions? I don't know what to do.


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## alexisyael

Hi LCB! I'm not in the same shoes as you (in fact, we're sort of waffling on our choice to have an only... we've stopped using birth control, but we're NOT actively trying. Just being open to getting pregnant if it happens before my husband gets a vasectomy in February. I'm not expecting that'll lead us anywhere, but it's nice not worrying about it either way! I was a TTC mama for too-long last time, I'm determined to never go through that again.)

I do think, however, that the bigger issue in your question is honesty. I think that will also erode a marriage, not beinging able to tell your partner that you feel you can't have more than one child. And I'll be honest, I do know a marriage that seems to be eroding b/c one of the partners wants more kids and the other made it clear from day one he only wanted one child... that's my interpretation, tho -- there are SO MANY variables to a marriage... cam amyone outside (heck, even inside!) know exactly what happened to end it? I don't think so!

Also, and I'm just throwing this out there: my husband and I were extremely set on having only one child (because of the touchedoutness, the overwhelm etc...) until just after our son turned three. And then? Something changed. Now we'll be happy either way. I'm not saying that happens to everyone (or even ANYONE else! We're very very weird in this decision making process, I haven't met anyone who's doing the same thing as us and no one seems to understand it.) but it is my experience and I know that a 13 month old is a very different child than a three year old.

I hope that helps a little...


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## majikfaerie

LCB, initially, my DP wanted to have more kids - 3 more or less. slowly slowly, it took time, but he's come around. Just be patient. let him read this thread maybe, when he's ready. there are a whole boatload of reasons not to have more children, that can be very persuasive to the analytical mind. Just look at it with him, and go through his reasons for wanting more. it could be that he's never really thought about it, just that it seems like "the thing to do". or it could be that he shows you what's in his heart, and his reasons, and you decide that you also want more.

It's just something you need to work out together. and there's no reason at all to start TTC now. 2 years is a very small age gap; loads of people deliberately wait 3-4 years between kids, or more! why not just wait till you're *both* ready for another child. it might be tomorrow, it might be in 5 or 10 years. it might be that you both decide not to have more.

but if you don't talk about it, you risk falling into the trap of not making a decision, which is a decision in itself.

also, be open to the possibility of things changing down the line









HTH


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## LCB

Thanks Alexis and Majik. You both made excellent points. I did talk to DH yesterday and just said that alot of the time I don't feel like I'm going to want to do this again but that probably has at least something to do with being tired and so forth. He is very understanding so we're going to she's 2 and talk again. I also saw a little family with two daughters out playing in our neighborhood and they were just darling, and I thought, well maybe I could handle two. So the potential is still in there somewhere I guess.


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## mistymama

I thought ds would always be an only - he's Aspergers and has been very high needs ever since he arrived!! But he's almost 7 now, and guess what? I'm ready for another - I feel I can handle a baby again and really want to ttc. Dh is not on board so I've got to really talk to him. He never wanted children, but fell in love with me and ds, and adopted ds. He loves ds as his own and says he does not feel the need to have a biological child - as far as he's concerned ds IS his biological child. So ds may still be an only child - but I'm definately ready. It just took 7 years.


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## AngeliqueW

LCB-
Each pregnancy and each child are different. If you decide to have a second the pregnancy could be a breeze and you could have a deep sleeping easy baby. Or- you could be horribly sick for 9 months and have a special-needs child who takes more energy and patience than you ever knew.
Which is to say- when you feel like you're ready for anything, you're ready for another!
I must confess that DH and I have started to talk about the possibility of a second. At first it sounded so lovely, but after I slept on it I realized that for me- the answer is Not Yet! I'm not saying never though...


----------



## jboo7506

Hello all,
I finally have a minute to update you all, albeit while nursing. My son Russell was born November 3 at 7:51pm after 40 hours of home labor and then a hospital transfer b/c he wasn't moving down the birth canal. He was just camped out in there, literally, with one leg crossed over the other... no way he was coming out vaginally. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be.

We are doing great! He looks more and more like his daddy everyday. I am blessed and very thankful to be able to stay home and watch our one and only grow.

Well I have to make a few phone calls and get a snack.

Jen

Happy New Year! I find it hard to believe it's (almost) 2010 already!!


----------



## mckennasmomma

congratulations, jboo7506! one of the great things about knowing you will have just one child is that you really really pay attention to their infancy, and don't take it for granted, kwim?


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## AngeliqueW

Congrats *jboo7506*!
DH and I are still waffling a little. We know we're not ready now. We really want to give DS all we can. We understand that all of the judgements of onlies are BS. The thing that keeps niggling us is that EVERY only we know wishes for a sibling. We don't have to decide today, thank goodness, so we're still thinking only one for now. If things change in the future, who knows?


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## babeak

Yes, but my brother and I wanted a sibling too. So, I don't think that that is unique to onlies.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngeliqueW* 
Congrats *jboo7506*!
DH and I are still waffling a little. We know we're not ready now. We really want to give DS all we can. We understand that all of the judgements of onlies are BS. The thing that keeps niggling us is that EVERY only we know wishes for a sibling. We don't have to decide today, thank goodness, so we're still thinking only one for now. If things change in the future, who knows?

Well, now you can say every only minus one.







I am an only and I never wanted a sibling. I never even knew I was supposed to want one until I grew up and people told me how lonely I must have been as a child.


----------



## mckennasmomma

Quote:


Originally Posted by *babeak* 
Yes, but my brother and I wanted a sibling too. So, I don't think that that is unique to onlies.

that is such a good point. I remember my sister and I always wishing we had an older brother!


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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngeliqueW* 
Congrats *jboo7506*!
DH and I are still waffling a little. We know we're not ready now. We really want to give DS all we can. We understand that all of the judgements of onlies are BS. The thing that keeps niggling us is that EVERY only we know wishes for a sibling. We don't have to decide today, thank goodness, so we're still thinking only one for now. If things change in the future, who knows?

Well, all of the three adult onlies with whom I'm good friends say they loved being onlies and wouldn't have had things any other way.


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## thehighernest

Sorry for the double post: Internet acting up!


----------



## thehighernest

Loving this thread - so many pages to catch up on!

I'm sure this is already obvious, but it seems so much of one's decision to have an only is based on one's own experiences as a child.

For me, I was one of six children with somewhat of a big gap between the first two and the second two (I'm the last of those) and then an even bigger gap between us and the last two. I cannot begin to explain how much I hated the expectation that existed for the older children to care for the younger ones.

This is not a criticism of large families generally speaking, but my own experience being one of so many was far from idyllic. I can hardly remember any special moments as a child with either one of my parents - because they didn't really exist . Yes, I was close to my immediately older brother and we share a very close bond today, but I do feel that my own childhood was sacrificed. I think this is why I feel such a strong pull to protect my baby's, well, babyness, his childhood as long as possible.

I don't have any concerns about that myth of the poor only child having to take care of his elderly parents all by himself. My parents are incredibly selfish and want us all to do so much for them even though they did not pay any real attention to us as children. It sounds cruel, but sometimes it's like they had all of us because they wanted us to "owe" them later in life.

DH also did not have a good experience with siblings as a kid. He gets along with his brother and sister fine now, but as kids, his older brother was just miserable to him (didn't help that their father bailed out on them), bad enough that it made a lasting impression. He didn't even think he wanted ANY children when we first got married.

I must admit to waffling a bit myself about a second child, but only in this imaginary world where babies are all coos and giggles. Or when I think about my brother and me. But the truth is that we're just not equipped (read: lack patience) to deal with another child. I've chosen to be a SAHM while still working full-time teaching in the evenings after he's gone to bed and online. As you can imagine, this is incredibly stressful. I love the time we spend together, but it can also be very trying (lack of sleep, teething, etc.). I kinda look forward to a few years from now when he'll start preschool and I'll be able to go back to working a regular schedule.

Besides, DH is adamant that he doesn't want another child. Aside from his own history, those first baby 6 weeks really took his breath away. He just had no idea what we'd gotten ourselves into. He has absolute 0 interest in doing it all over again. He's pretty ready for a vasectomy. I'm about 95%. Perhaps because DS is only 9 months old and people say we'll change our minds, etc.? I don't know why I pay any attention to this, lol.

Anyway, it's nice to find this tribe!


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## AngeliqueW

Thanks onlies for voicing your satisfaction!
It helps.
We're happy to be 3 right now. That's all we need to know for a while!


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## *bejeweled*

Congratulations!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jboo7506* 
Hello all,
I finally have a minute to update you all, albeit while nursing. My son Russell was born November 3 at 7:51pm after 40 hours of home labor and then a hospital transfer b/c he wasn't moving down the birth canal. He was just camped out in there, literally, with one leg crossed over the other... no way he was coming out vaginally. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be.

We are doing great! He looks more and more like his daddy everyday. I am blessed and very thankful to be able to stay home and watch our one and only grow.

Well I have to make a few phone calls and get a snack.

Jen

Happy New Year! I find it hard to believe it's (almost) 2010 already!!


----------



## angelisagemini

Hey ladies!
I think I'm going to be joining you!
We've been debating for a few months but we've decided that we're done.
DH and I are still young 24 and 25, DS is 15 months but we are happy with our little family.
Can't wait to read through the thread!


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## Xavismom

Hey Mamas! I've been reading through this thread this morning too, and this is my first post on it.

Thought I would chime in as an 'only', and mention that my DH was also an only child.

I LOVED it. I have so many great childhood memories. I always felt special and loved as an only child, and now today I have an incredibly close relationship with my mother (she actually lives with DH & I, the 3 of us live together as a family unit by choice and its great, especially now that we have our sweet little DS)

Also, being onlies, DH and I had a lot of great opportunities for things that many of our friends growing up didnt get, ie: international travel, lots of classes and activities that we were interested in, DH was able to be in VERY nice private schools his entire life, etc.

DH and I have always planned on having an only child. I'm not saying that we wont change our mind, DS is only 7 weeks old, and we do talk about it sometimes, but I dont think it will happen. With an only, we can give him more, and do more with him, and we think he deserves that. Especially on the subject of education quality... us being able to afford for me to SAHM, and international travel, which we both feel is incredibly important for children to be exposed to. We are hoping to make our first trip out of the country this summer, even though DS will only be about 7 months! We probably could not financially do all these things for 2+ children.

Anyhow, glad to meet all of you! Its nice to know there are others out there that have an only by choice, all my friends think its horrible. This may have a lot to do with the fact that I live in Utah though, it may sound like I am stereotyping, but I really am the black sheep here for having only one child on purpose, and also waiting until I was 31 to have that child. Most of my friends started having babies at around 20, and would never dream of having an only. Its espcially annoying when someone that doesnt know me well says something deragative about only children when I say I dont want another... and then I tell them DH and I were onlies


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## iris777888

Welcome angelisagemini and Xavismom! There are a lot of posts on this thread, but well worth reading.


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## mckennasmomma

I just came from my (awesome) chiropractor's office. She has 2 beautiful kids, 3.5 years apart, and we had the most interesting conversation. She was very open in saying that when she had just 1 child, she felt like a really good mom, but with 2, she never feels that way. She said it took her a very long time to feel connected to her second child, the way she always did with her first. She said that she felt resentful towards her younger child because of the time she takes away from her (older) son. She said that she feels like one of the only moms out there who honestly talks about the difficulties she has gone through in having 2 kids.

You almost never have this kind of conversation. It was really great for me, because she is a woman I really do admire, and to hear this level of honesty about having more than one child was really refreshing. Also she said all that before I mentioned that we are planning to have just one, so it wasn't like she was saying it just to "go along" with me, you know?

Anyway, thought I'd share!


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## mother_sunshine

mckennasmomma, thanks for sharing. I really needed that today especially.


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## SweetPotato

Hi folks! I haven't posted in ages, but wanted to check in. How great to have someone speak honestly about the challenges of having 2-- I feel like my friends usually frame things as saying tha thaving a second "isn't too bad" "is worth it", etc. I guess when I hear those phrases it kind of feels like a very subtle, perhaps unconcious admission that it IS hard. Call me selfish, but I don't really want harder right now







My dd turned 4 a couple months ago, and I have to say- we rock! I'm not exactly a poster child for balance, and it's only recently that I feel like I'm able to really start getting involved in my own things again- which is happier for the whole family. Dh and I finally went away on our own overnight-- dd had a GREAT slumber party with grandma, and dh and I were able to reconnect in a way that we really haven't in years now. Life is good! Dd still occasionally asks about getting a baby (since so many friends have littles), but then she still runs out of patience with them fairly quickly when we visit- which makes me sooo happy that we don't have that near-constant conflict in our home. I guess I'm just a bit suprised that I haven't been hit with baby fever as she's getting older-- but I really feel like things are SO great with the three of us that I just have no desire to mess with it. And my relationship with dd is so fulfilling that I don't have any empty holes, if that makes sense-- she fills me up! Anyway-- that's my mini-update for the day. I'd love to hear how everyone else is doing!


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## iris777888

SweetPotato - I concur with you on so many things and am looking forward achieving more of that me time again sometime soon. We're also considering our first overnight away in about six months or so.

Our DS will turn three in a little under a month, and I also remained convinced one child is the right decision for us. We're starting to make plans for the future, considering preschool and DH taking a job again, which seems really so odd to imagine. I can't believe how fast the time goes!

I've been around some babies lately and have not felt the desire to have another. Occasionally I feel sad I won't ever get to be pregnant again (I really enjoyed being pregnant, it was one of the few times my body felt truly in balance and happy- no issues with skin, mood, etc.) but that does not translate into desire to have a baby.

We're getting a few comments from some family members that they wish we'd have more, but no pressure. I think it helps that DH's sister is going to a child now, so ours won't be the only grandchild anymore.


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iris777888* 

I've been around some babies lately and have not felt the desire to have another. Occasionally I feel sad I won't ever get to be pregnant again (I really enjoyed being pregnant, it was one of the few times my body felt truly in balance and happy- no issues with skin, mood, etc.) but that does not translate into desire to have a baby.


I totally understand. I have a lot of friends who have recently had number two and it is nice to hold their babies for a bit, but so much nicer to hand them back over.







But I do sometimes find myself wishing I could be pregnant and give birth again. It was such a magical and empowering time in my life and I do sometimes feel sad that it's over.


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## jboo7506

hello all! russ is almost three months old yay! he's thriving with his daddy and i. as i type this i am nursing him. i still can't picture being able to do all the things i do with russ (carrying most of the day, elimination communication, and so on) with another child while having russ to take care of as well. i think another child would take away from the bond russ shares with me and my husband. when i am overtired i get crabby with russ (unfortunately) if i had another child i would probably over tired all the time, i don't think i'd be a good mom anymore.
i am glad i am thinking about these things now, hopefully that will keep me from idealizing how great it is to have a baby.

gotta go make dinner.

jen


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## angelisagemini

Hey Ladies!
So I was having a bit of baby fever recently, just mourning a bit how fast DS is growing. But then a friend of mine had an emergency and I took her son for her and I'm supposed to have him for the next week or so for 12 hours a day......no more baby fever here!
Because babies grow up...into three year olds who test every limit you have! I have been playing referee all day. I've had to protect my one year old from him and it's just no fun!
I love parenting DS, we have a great time, but after today I was thinking that it would be my DS I would be admonishing, having to put in time outs and constantly refereeing and I just don't want to.

God knew I needed this reminder.
But I really hope his mom comes home soon. Lesson learned, don't offer to babysit for more than a few hours at a time!


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## Maluhia

Aloha all,

Please keep the Parenting Forum Guidelines in mind as this thread continues;

Quote:

Please avoid negative characterizations, insults, blanket statements, condemnations of others, etc. Members are welcome to post seeking advice, opinions or suggestions on how best to handle conflict, and we welcome posts about changing attitudes as a whole and how to deal with differing views. Venting is understandable, however, we will discourage bashing. Threads/posts that are inflammatory, hurtful or disrespectful will be removed. We are here to discuss our personal parenting paths, not to bash others who may chose differently. We advocate compassionate and respectful approaches to parenting challenges. We hope that a parent who posts looking for information and support will be empathetically received and helped so that the child behind the posts will benefit in a very real way.
Parenting Forum Guidelines
User Agreement


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## NYCVeg

We just did our first overnight, too! (Dd is a little over 3.5.) We probably would have done it sooner, honestly, because she LURVES her grandparents, but we haven't felt comfortable b/c of her severe food allergies (as it is, we'll only leave her with one set of grandparents: mine mean very well, and try hard, but they just don't quite "get" the food allergies and we don't think it's worth risking dd's life).

Anyway, dh and I went out to a fancy dinner, watched a movie, and, like the PP said, connected in a way that we haven't for awhile.

I am looking forward to more sleepovers in the future--fun for the whole family!


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## majikfaerie

Yeah, every time I get to thinking I'd maybe like another kid, I hang out with someone who has a few kids and think, 'whoa! that's not for me!"


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## jboo7506

Hello all,
Well I am in a different place mentally than I was last time I posted. I am trying to work through the traumatic childbirth of my son. Is anyone else doing the same or has done it? I find myself feeling guilty about how he must have experienced the birth and how scary it i think it was for him. I know I did all I could for us to have the birth I wanted but thats not enough to quell my sadness at the loss of the birth I felt was best for both of us, physically and emotionally.

Also, I find myself thinking "If I had another baby I could have the birth I wanted or at least a better one." I know it's illogical because that birth will be what it'll be and I have no control over it.

I don't want to project my sadness and guilt onto my son. How do I work through this? How do I get to a place where I accept his birth as it was and not all the things it wasn't?!

Any advice, support, or suggestions are welcome. Thanks for reading this.
Jen


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## 68825

hi jen,

i could have written your post a year or so ago.

there are so many things i could say, but i have to get out the door with this little guy..

the loss of the birth you wanted is real. find someone with whom you can talk the whole experience through. take the time to heal yourself. others who had great experiences probably won't understand. (i had several homebirthing goddesses blame me for what i "let" happen. i also had a hard time with ICAN in my area because there was an emphasis on taking my birth experience back with a second child. that wasn't going to help me; i only want to have one child.)

a close friend of mine said something that has finally made sense to me. (at the time i wanted to throw knives at him.) he said it's possible that the birth experience i had was more about how my child needed to enter the world. it was his karma, or whatever you want to call it. that he is stronger for it.

whatever your situation, your sadness and guilt will lessen over time. you did everything you could given what you had and knew at the time.


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## majikfaerie

thanks for bumping this thread. and


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## babeak

Jen...

I am so sorry....I just spent about 1 hour writing a response and it got deleted as I was trying to post it. Ergh! I've got to go to bed. I will try again tomorrow night.

Any advice, support, or suggestions are welcome. Thanks for reading this.
Jen[/QUOTE]


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## labdogs42

I just thought I'd pop back on here and say hi to the moms of onlies again! My DS turned 5 in February and we're still thrilled to have one kiddo!


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## majikfaerie

yay. my dd is turning 7 next month, and I'm totally happy with not having more. DP would like another though, which is a bit of an issue. I just wish he could explain why, in a way that I could understand it. sigh.


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## Molck

You revived this thread at a perfect time! I'm really loving our little family today







.

DS will be two in a couple of months, and it seems like everyone in our parenting-friends circle is having a second (or just did, or are talking about it...). I'm starting to wonder how the dynamics are going to change with some of our friends.

Since DS was born, we've spent a lot of time with other mom/toddler pairs where we're all very much going through the same developmental issues, etc. at the same time. I'm starting to feel a bit of an outsider now that that is changing-- talk turning to pregnancy, to sibling issues, etc. Have any of you been through this?

Any tips? I'm guessing it'll get easier as he gets older/more independent. And we've added a second all-ages play group during the week (already had one), so that helps. I'm not too worried, but I thought I'd bring it up anyway.


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## bosch

Funny, I only just found my way back to MDC after a long hiatus, and look, I've found my tribe already.









My daughter just turned 4 at the end of February, and I have never been more sure that I only want one. Most of our friends have a second one already, and my best friend from college just had her second one (two under two!) over the weekend. I teach natural childbirth classes and am a doula, so I do get to be around babies a fair bit, so I think that helps squash some of the baby lust.

However, I am finding myself really wishing I could experience pregnancy and birth again. It was such a powerful experience, and it does make me feel a bit heartbroken to know that I will never get to do it again.

That being said, we finally got to go on an adults-only trip last month, and it was wonderful to not be 24/7 parents. I'm starting to plan the next few months/years as far as my career is concerned, and it's very exciting. As much as the idea of being pregnant again thrills me, I don't want to postpone my life for another four years, especially when I feel like I'm just starting to be "me" again.


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## bartleby

Hi, mamas. I can't recall if I've actually posted to this thread before, but I wanted to chime in and ask a question.

I have a 5-year-old daughter, who we adopted at birth. From the get-go, I devoted myself to attachment parenting my wee one with, I see now, an intensity and utter lack of balance that eventually led to a major emotional crash. (I'll spare details there, but I am getting help now.) Anyway, after 5 years of this intensive parenting, this fall my girl will start kindergarten. Probably full-day, since that's pretty much the only option at the schools we're looking at.

Pre-kid, I had a decent job, but not a career per se. I feel utterly blank about what I am going to do when kiddo goes to K. Financially, I probably won't have to get a job right away, but I do want to explore some source of income. Anyone else find themselves in this situation? After what will be closer to 6 years this fall, having 6 hours a day to myself will feel both liberating and strange. I see it as a potentially positive transition in my life, but still kind of daunting.

I don't really know anyone else in this situation, as most of my friends/acquaintances still will have a little one at home when their older kid goes to K. Or, if that's not the case, they've been working part-time throughout.


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## sarahdavida

subbing to read and post when I have more time


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## insahmniak

bartleby -

In case you have some time, you might try volunteering with some cause that you feel strongly about. Getting involved in the community and looking around to see where the needs are can be a great experience, and by word of mouth you may be able to find opportunities for paid work that is gratifying. Just a thought.

My daughter is 6.5 and I was really set on homeschooling her but I'm looking into other options because of her high social needs. So I may be in your shoes in the near future. I had a profession that I abandoned and have no chance of getting back into. Step out of IT for 7 years and you're going to pay quite a price.

Best luck finding something that feeds you!


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## mckennasmomma

Quote:

However, I am finding myself really wishing I could experience pregnancy and birth again. It was such a powerful experience, and it does make me feel a bit heartbroken to know that I will never get to do it again.
This is my feeling too. It is pretty much the only thing that I find myself wistful about regarding having another baby, but then I realize that I don't really want to go through pregnancy while also caring for my toddler. It wouldn't be the same, joyful experience for me. When I was pregnant with my dd, I had all the time and availability in the world to take care of myself and enjoy the pregnancy, where now I would not be able to do that at all.

Quote:

Pre-kid, I had a decent job, but not a career per se. I feel utterly blank about what I am going to do when kiddo goes to K. Financially, I probably won't have to get a job right away, but I do want to explore some source of income. Anyone else find themselves in this situation? After what will be closer to 6 years this fall, having 6 hours a day to myself will feel both liberating and strange. I see it as a potentially positive transition in my life, but still kind of daunting.
Insahmniak had great advice with the volunteering. I've also always thought that if I needed just a regular old job I would apply at my local organic foods store. I know that the people who work there are super nice, I'd get a discount on the foods I already spend a bundle on, and earn a little money at the same time. But mostly I'd suggest following your heart! One of my favorite quotes is: "Do not ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. Go and do that. What the worlds needs is people who have come alive."


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## majikfaerie

I don't know really. I do a lot of WAHM stuff, but my DD is unschooled anyway.


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## SweetPotato

I know I'm a little behind here, but just have to second (third?) the suggestion to volunteer! About a year ago (so when my dd was 3.5) I got involved in a volunteer group here that has just been great for me. I'm lucky because it's in my field, so I'm able to use the knowledge that I spent so long in grad school for-- really feels nice to awaken that part of my brain and be back around people who share interests beyond mommy stuff. It's also been a great opportunity for me to explore some things that I might have thought I would enjoy as a job, but which I now see really wouldn't be fulfilling or happy as long-term situations-- and that's really ueful information as well.

Life is still great here with my beautiful little family of three. Last night we were all in the car and dd said "I'm the luckiest girl in the whole wide world!" Dh said "what makes you so lucky?" and she replied "You and Mommy do!"







Like I said, I've been able to start doing some volunteer work, and with now that dd has started preschool I've been able to go to the gym and just have a little bit of wiggle room in my own brain- which has been utterly fantastic! We're planning our summer vacation now, and it's really exciting thinking of all the new experiences that she's ready for-- camping, etc.-- and that I think will be enriching and fun for all of us.

One other thing I wanted to share-- I recently had a friend go on a trip with only one of her two children, and she called afterwards to tell me how often she thought of me and my dd-- she said she could finally understand how we were so happy with only one child, and that the closeness they were able to share and the ease with which they could expore their interests together was a remarkable experience for her. It felt really nice to hear this-- especially with SO many friends working on their second or third and just really feeling like a bit of an oddball. Just nice to feel a little bit more understood.


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## mckennasmomma

Sweet Potato, what a nice post! How old is your daughter now?


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## SweetPotato

Thanks







My little monkey is 4.5 yo now. She's become very adept at pushing my buttons, but mostly is just a blast these days-- it's SUCH a neat age, and I feel so grateful for all the things that we're able to experience together. She's just learning so much and really finding her groove socially- it's so fun to watch!


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## earthgirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
Thanks







My little monkey is 4.5 yo now. She's become very adept at pushing my buttons, but mostly is just a blast these days-- it's SUCH a neat age, and I feel so grateful for all the things that we're able to experience together. She's just learning so much and really finding her groove socially- it's so fun to watch!

Your post just reminded me of how often I feel like having one is so perfectly right for us, whether we're going through good stuff or bad. When DD is particularly challenging I feel way certain that I don't want another.







And when we're in a really good place I absolutely love the closeness we feel toward one another and how nice it is to have time to really foster that.


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## angelisagemini

So glad to see some recent action in this thread. My DH and decided awhile ago that we were one and done. At the time it was such a huge relief because we had both tiptoed around the issue, not wanting to limit the other person's wants.

Lately I've been having some baby pangs. I'm trying to discover in my own heart if they are truly for another child, or if I'm just longing to go back in time with my tenderheart little boy. I spent so much time, being frustrated, with the thought of having to do the hard parts again....and had I known then that he was our one and only I would have been much better.
It's almost like guilt, and another chance to do better, breastfeed, be patient etc. I know that's irrational, but I just had my Mirena out (horrid side effects) so I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions. Which is also not a good time to make decisions so life changing!

I love our little family. I love the flexibility, the time to relax, the closeness and attention we can give him and still have time together and apart. I love that his college is paid for, we'll never need a huge car, etc. You ladies know all the benefits.

I just get so much pressure from women who in that baby making mode and it seems everyone is pregnant, so it's like a daily questioning of what I really want.

We're moving to Japan this summer for three years thanks to the military and I want to explore, and learn and just immerse ourselves as much as possible. I can't do that if I'm preggo or strapped to a newborn.

I guess there's my answer...if I feel like I'll be "strapped" to that child...well then I probably shouldn't bring them into the world huh?

I'm off to go read some I love having an only posts now.


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## mermaidmama

Anyone with an only who doesnt have lots of cousins? How does that play into it for you?


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## mckennasmomma

My daughter has quite a few cousins, but none are close to us geographically. She sees my sister's kids just a couple times a year, and my husband's nieces and nephews rarely. My sister's kids are a bit older than she is too (5 and 8, my daughter is 20 months)

While I do hope she can have a future relationship with them, I guess I just don't worry about it too much. To me it is the same thing as not feeling like a person "needs" siblings to have a happy, satisfied life with plenty of close relationships with people she _chooses_ to have close relationships with.


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## SweetPotato

Welcome angelisagemini! I have to admit that I still waffle quite a bit-- I think that it's pretty natural to re-examine a decision that is so counter to what the majority/society keeps telling us is supposed to be ideal. I hope that you enjoy reading through the thread as much I do-- it really is affirming just to know that there are other moms out there who have gone through a similar decision-making process. And I'm definitely with you on the idea of feeling strapped to a potential new baby-- I really think ta sort of feeling (despite knowing that I would love another child deeply) is a part of what keeps telling me that I'm not ready for another as well.

My dd only has 3 first cousins-- none of whom she sees regularly at all (very long distance). On the one hand, I do feel like it would be nice for her to see them more (and I definitely think I'm more conscious of it since she doesn't have siblings) But at the same time, I have 20+ first cousins and NO relationship with them (looong, nasty story) My dd's cousins are being raised very differently from the way she is, and their parents have different values from those of our little family. It is what it is. I hope that we'll be able to be settled in one place by the time she starts school so that she can really foster some close, life-long friendships based on mutual love and respect- which I think are likely to be much more supportive and genuine than relationships based solely on blood.


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## catscharm74

This is a very timely thread for me. We have one DS who just turned 4. As much as I get babyitis sometimes, I think how far we have come- through an 19 month deployment with DH while I raised him all by myself, 3 surgeries (2 for DH and 1 for me) this year alone and a host of other things, I am grateful to only have one to worry about. I try to make it the best each day and though I did like being pregnant, I can't say I was exactly excited about the whole baby thing. We had NO help since he was born..just us 3 musketeers, as I call us. I enjoy him so much more now. I dream of having more somedays but realize our 3 is just enough. I also am finishing up college and look forward to going to work when DS goes to school. It's selfish to some that I like to work so much but in the long run, it's for the betterment of our family. We are also heading into our late 30's and I have some medical issues that I don't know if I would be able to handle with another child. I have found being around other kiddos really smothers the feeling to have another. I get my fill and then go home to my little, sweet family.

DS is also a bit of a handful, emotional, smart as a whip and sweet...he needs the extra attention and I don't know if adding another child would be the smartest thing to do. I know God has a plan for us and I am working on that. Right now, I am just trying to enjoy the blessings I do have.


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## mermaidmama

Lol....I call us the 3 muskateers too.

Im just afraid ds might feel left out, odd, resentful, lonely because not only will he not have any sibilings but, not ONE SINGLE cousin. DH was an only and I have one sister 2 hrs away and her and dh don't want kids.


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mermaidmama* 
Anyone with an only who doesnt have lots of cousins? How does that play into it for you?

my 7yo DD has 10 cousins who live in Israel, so we get to see them every 2 years or so, and one 18mo cousin who lives on the other side of the country - so, for all intents and purposes, no cousins for regular interactions. Doesn't really make a difference for us, though dd misses them a lot. I would love to live closer, but it isn't an option.
Really, I don't think it matters. I wouldn't see having lots of cousins makes a replacement for siblings. It's still buying in to the whole argument that children need siblings as playmates, or cousins at second-best.


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mermaidmama* 
Anyone with an only who doesnt have lots of cousins? How does that play into it for you?

my 7yo DD has 10 cousins who live in Israel, so we get to see them every 2 years or so, and one 18mo cousin who lives on the other side of the country - so, for all intents and purposes, no cousins for regular interactions. Doesn't really make a difference for us, though dd misses them a lot. I would love to live closer, but it isn't an option.
Really, I don't think it matters. I wouldn't see having lots of cousins makes a replacement for siblings. It's still buying in to the whole argument that children need siblings as playmates, or cousins at second-best.


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## catscharm74

Mermaid, we have no family to speak of. The basically ostracized us for our lifestyle choice. We are military and have moved 6 times in 4 years. I love the travel and adventure and always make our home wherever we land. My family says they will not travel to see us, it's up to us since we choose the life we have. My point is, your DS will be fine. Our DS goes to daycare/school and loves it. He has had more opportunities in his short 4 years than I did in my first 30.









We tend to be loners and it is hard to make true friends with us moving so much but I make the best of it. I find museums, parks, family trips that we can do and he interacts with others there too. He gets all the love he will ever need from DH and I. I have to accept that this is the way things are and not dwell on the fact that my family just doesn't care. They are missing out.

I was up all night thinking about this because DH was talking about MAYBE wanting 1 more. Just the thought of it has been keeping me up and I realized last night that 1 is just right for us for good. I woke up energized and excited about the future. Another child would feel like a weight to me and that is no situation to bring a child into this world. I live with a resentful mother, so I know how it is to be treated like you are not wanted and it's your fault. Talk about coming full circle.


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## catscharm74

Oh gosh...I have more to say about this subject...sorry for hogging but this has really been on my mind...as you can see...









I don't fit in with the mom's around here. Most already have 2, if not 3 kiddos. The difference is they have a LOT of help from their family. I know women who have a babysitter several times a week and their families help them financially- whether it be money, clothing, diapers, food, trips, etc. I try not to judge but when they judge me, it's hard not too. We tend to be loners anywho, so I just realized I have to remove myself and only do things that are healthy for our family.

I realized I will never have that, no matter if I reconcile with my family, they don't believe in "helping out" at all. That's fine, just the situation I am in. I know I am making the best decision for my family in the long run- financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Life has led me in a very different direction than where I thought I would be. I realized when I get more excited about having a career I am truly passionate about rather than having another baby. I have to listen to what I am truly feeling and honor those feelings.

I grew up the youngest of 3. My brother is 10 years older than me and we never got a long at all...too far apart. My sis is 3 years older than me and have a lot of jealousy issues. She sabotages everything I do in my life so she looks like the shero to my parents. I stopped trying to "be nice" about 3 years ago. I have my little family and my life and they won't change that nor will they make me feel bad. I have been told by 2 separate family members that I was not exactly wanted when my mom found out she was pregnant and I know realize her resentfulness at me is extending from that. She won't ever like me, no matter what I do and I realized I was killing myself seeking their approval. This all harkens to my life now. Small family is family, none the less. I have all the love I can give my son. He has his moments of acting spoiled but it's a good time to teach a lesson. I believe kids have the personality they have and it's our responsibility as parents to nurture it as best we can.

Reading these posts helps me realize I am not alone nor am I crazy for feeling the way I do. I realize I am being an adult and being responsible and that feels good to my heart and my peace of mind.


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## NYCVeg

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mermaidmama* 
Lol....I call us the 3 muskateers too.

Im just afraid ds might feel left out, odd, resentful, lonely because not only will he not have any sibilings but, not ONE SINGLE cousin. DH was an only and I have one sister 2 hrs away and her and dh don't want kids.

You can have those relationships without having a blood relationship. My parents best friends' have 4 kids and, growing up, our two families did EVERYTHING together. We went on all our vacations together, we spent every major holiday together, we saw each other every weekend (sometimes both days!) and often for dinner during the week as well. Their kids were like siblings to me--and far closer than my few cousins, who I saw once every couple of years. I also had a best friend who, like me, had a number of significantly older siblings but no siblings her own age. She was also like a sister: and we would sometimes get to go on vacations with each other's families, would play together after school almost every day (we lived close to each other), etc.

Your DS *might* feel left out and lonely if you don't help him cultivate ANY relationships. But the idea that those relationships have to be based on blood ties is simply not true.


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## raksmama

Hi Everyone,
I just found this thread. I also am a happy mother of one child. Sometimes I wish I had had more children not because I need to have more, DS is the light on my life, but only because I wish that he could have a sibling. I was already pushing forty when I had him. I did not use birth control afterwards but maybe because I breastfed him a long time I never became pregnant again. I did not feel like resorting to any artificial means either. So now what is done is done. I have one child. I was an only child too. I don't think I turned out to be anti social or anything like that. Luckily I have lots of cousins. My husband comes from a huge family so DS has so many cousins from his father's side and he is really happy about it!
Unfortunately none of them live in the city where we are so we have to make a deliberate effort to see his family, as well as my cousins who have children, as often as we can.


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## earthgirl

We don't have any family near us and I just don't worry about it. I grew up as an only and all though I got to see my cousins pretty regularly, we did not remain close as we grew older. We just come from very different backgrounds. I suppose that sounds funny to say considering we're related, but my mom and her brother were VERY different and it really showed in the ways that they raised their children. Anyway, I feel like I have always been lucky to have such strong friendships, both as a child and as an adult. I am hopeful that my DD can form those types of close friendships throughout her life, too. I don't think I'm naiive enough to assume she'll just live being an only or never wish for a bigger family. But there are probably hundreds of things she may come to wish were different in her life. It just boils down to the fact the this is the right choice for our family.


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## raksmama

earthgirl said:


> Anyway, I feel like I have always been lucky to have such strong friendships, both as a child and as an adult. I am hopeful that my DD can form those types of close friendships throughout her life, too. QUOTE]
> 
> Same goes here! I think being an only child actually helped me to form strong bonds. I have several girlfriends who have been like my sisters for years.
> DH on the other hand, does not form close male friendships as easily as I do (although he does have a few close friends). I attribute this to the fact that he has so many siblings and as a child he did not have the need to form strong sibling-like relationships with others as I did.


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## SweetPotato

Along similar lines-- has your child being an only affected the choices you make as a family about where to live, whether you move frequently, etc.? My dh has a fairly intense career and will be finishing a residency next summer, and we're in the stage of waiting to find out if there will be a permanent position here when he finishes. Depending on the job market in his field, we could be able to be someplace for the next 10-15 years, or we could end up having to take a less desirable position for a yearor two and then potentially moving again when a better one opens up. Our dd is only 4 and makes friends very easily, but these attachments also seem to be fairly deep. I'd love for her to have very close lifelong friends, and I worry about the effect on her psychologically and socially if we were to end up moving in another year, and then again a couple of years later. At the same time, dh being happy and successful in his career (and, soon, me too!) is something that's going to be good for all of us as well. We're definitely keeping it all in mind and trying to be balanced as we make these decisions, but it can be tough.


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## raksmama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
Along similar lines-- has your child being an only affected the choices you make as a family about where to live, whether you move frequently, etc.? My dh has a fairly intense career and will be finishing a residency next summer, and we're in the stage of waiting to find out if there will be a permanent position here when he finishes. Depending on the job market in his field, we could be able to be someplace for the next 10-15 years, or we could end up having to take a less desirable position for a year or two and then potentially moving again when a better one opens up. Our dd is only 4 and makes friends very easily, but these attachments also seem to be fairly deep. I'd love for her to have very close lifelong friends, and I worry about the effect on her psychologically and socially if we were to end up moving in another year, and then again a couple of years later. At the same time, dh being happy and successful in his career (and, soon, me too!) is something that's going to be good for all of us as well. We're definitely keeping it all in mind and trying to be balanced as we make these decisions, but it can be tough.

Yes, it can be tough. We moved twice, actually 3 times, but the first time ds was just 10 months so it did not make a difference to him. The second move was when ds was 5. That went pretty well. He started Kindergarten and at that age the kids don't really from cliques yet. 2 years later however, when DS was 7 we moved yet again to a new city across the country because DH got a better job offer. Unfortunately it was more traumatic for ds this time around. I remember he never wanted to be alone, not even in a different room in the same part of the house. Of course he always wanted to sleep with us and that was not a problem, we let him. What was bad was when he started school. All the other kids had been there since KG and they had their own groups already and were not welcoming at all to him. The fact that he had been in an alternative school before where they did not teach him anything and he was behind academically did not help either. Eventually he did make friends, however it traumatised him so much that to this day and he is 12 now, he does not like to join any kind of group where everyone knows each other and he is the new one. dh got an offer to work abroad for 2 years and we did not accept for this reason.


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## Gal

I have an only too and it seems to work well for us, we have other issues that stop us from having another child including SO's age(he's 57). I never expected to have a big family though, I'm comfortable with the fact that I can give DD all my attention.

She has two cousins from my side but they live in Israel and well, let's say that from So's family her cousins are in their 30's and the ones that have kids live on the other side of the country.
She LOVES to interect with adults though more than with children, in kindy she has two close friends that she's always with but that's all. There's no real interest on her side to interact with the others.


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## sarahdavida

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gal* 
I have an only too and it seems to work well for us, we have other issues that stop us from having another child including SO's age(he's 57). I never expected to have a big family though, I'm comfortable with the fact that I can give DD all my attention.

She has two cousins from my side but they live in Israel and well, let's say that from So's family her cousins are in their 30's and the ones that have kids live on the other side of the country.
She LOVES to interect with adults though more than with children, in kindy she has two close friends that she's always with but that's all. There's no real interest on her side to interact with the others.

My DH is 57, too (58 in a couple weeks) and DS is 3...his older sister is 35 and big brother is 31 - plus he has a nephew that´s 6. DH´s family is a big familia latina with lots of cousins of varying ages, so when we do get together with them (which isn´t often actually) there are a few LOs that are around his age. And he has a cousin on my side (my brother´s kid) that´s a year or so older...we don´t live anywhere near them, though.

So, DS isn´t a pure only child, but he´s my only child and the only child in the household, so pretty close...even though he knows his older siblings as such, he obviously doesn´t relate to them in the same way as a closer-in-age sibling in the same household.

Funny enough, even though age is clearly an issue with DH, we haven´t totally closed the book on having another child, but we don´t have any plans to TTC any time soon and maybe we never will. We just know it would be a bad idea now (for eveyone´s sake) and beyond that, we try not to think about it too much.


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## Gal

Hello there,

SO has asked me if I want more children before, but I don't and he says he's fine with our little family and he's terrified with the idea that he's going to be in his late sixties when DD's a teen LOL!
Yesterday he asked DD if she wanted a sibling she said "No, becuase you and mommy are mine"








Yes, I guess we are.


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## sarahdavida

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gal* 
Hello there,

SO has asked me if I want more children before, but I don't and he says he's fine with our little family and he's terrified with the idea that he's going to be in his late sixties when DD's a teen LOL!
Yesterday he asked DD if she wanted a sibling she said "No, becuase you and mommy are mine"








Yes, I guess we are.

That is reallygreat that you are on the same page...all 3 of you!


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## carfreemama

I haven't posted here in a long time, if ever; but I am struggling. I am 42 and dd is 6 1/2. She was always a planned only. I don't feel like I'm incomplete. HOWEVER, somewhere along the line I decided I wanted another child and we started trying. I didn't think anything would come of it because of our ages and then guess what? Pregnant in 2 months. And then 2 weeks ago, I m/c at 7 weeks. Now we are supposed to start trying again and I just don't know. I don't know if I'm just feeling like I want something new in my life. Dh is okay either way and if anything, would probably be just as happy to stop now. Dd does not and has never wanted a sibling.

I keep asking myself, do I really NEED another baby? No, I don't. What if I regret later...

I keep thinking about something dd said recently; "mommy, can we go to France?" And I thought yes, we can; if it's just the 3 of us. She loves to travel and is a wonderful traveler. We have enough money and time with one, but we wouldn't with two. We are happy.

I LOVE being a mama. I would welcome more children, any way they cared to arrive. But I am an OLD LADY and I like my only just fine, TYVM. Why would I give all that up when I'm not pining for another? Obviously, I'm more fertile than I thought; so I'd better not play with fire again unless I'm sure. I am on what feels like a very dangerous threshhold and I think in my heart, I know my answer. How can I let go? Has anyone else been in this place?


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## majikfaerie




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## SweetPotato

I, too am going through some serious waffling lately. I wish I knew how to decide for sure, guarantee no regrets, etc. It's so hard to tell if the nagging is coming from the outside or from within. In our situation, dh is still fairly firm that he wants only one (our dd is 4.5), but I've suddenly felt a very intense desire for another. I think part of my change has come from a recent job interview in my field (I've been sahm after putting a lot into a career that I love)-- I was thrilled to see the opening, but when I went in, I was shocked at my lack of enthusiasm. I left feeling like there will be plenty of opportunities for me to work, but that time is running out on my opportunities to have another healthy child. My dh is trying to be open-minded, but he's in a very intense career and not interested in complicating things further with another child.

What are the things that made you change your mind in the first place? That might help you determine whether it's something that is likely to go away or not.


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## carfreemama

Thanks for the support. This has to be the most confusing situation I have ever been in. My reasons for wanting another child were, I thought, very simple. I loved having dd around FAR more than I thought I would. I was never a very maternal person. Friends were very surprised when I announced my first pregnancy. I had confidence I would love my child, but I was really taken off-guard by how much I liked her and everything to do with her. I like the "stupid birthday parties" other mothers complain about. I don't mind sleep deprivation (much). I never felt the need for "me time" my other mama friends were craving. I loved doing things with dd. Her early childhood was just about the happiest time in my life and having her is the best decision I ever made.









So then I decided, why not one more? We are in a better position financially than we were when we had dd. We own our own home and know lots of supportive people. My work schedule is more stable.

BUT. Dh and I are both older. We would like to pursue other jobs/schooling. We've always had a dream to get a VW camper van and go traveling all over Nova Scotia and New England. All of that can be ours, RIGHT NOW, if we don't have another child. And when I hear other parents TTC say things like, they always KNEW they were supposed to parent more than one child; well, that's not me. I know all my reasons for NOT having another child and they all still seem valid. What I'm not so sure of is why I keep insisting on TTC a second, other than that I really enjoy children. But starting over again at this stage, at our ages and with a dh who is open; but not needing to have another..WHY? Why can't I just let go? And yet, two weeks ago I was pregnant and devastated when I miscarried.


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## mckennasmomma

carfreemama: the answer will come, and the time will be right.

I don't think anyone can answer those questions for you. Somewhere in your heart, you will find your answers. I think what I would do right now if I were you is some deep soul searching. Set aside your "lists" of "reasons" for either having or not having another child, and feel your way.


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## carfreemama

mckennasmomma, I know you are right. No-one can figure this out for me and advice is probably not what I need, though I sure do want it.







There are only so many ways, on so many different forums, I can ask people to tell me what to do; not to mention IRL. The soul searching feels more like scouring right now, but it's gotta be done!


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## mckennasmomma

Trust in yourself!


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## earthgirl

Carfreemama, I'm really sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how much that must complicate making a decision like that. As mckennasmomma said, it's really only a decision you can make. I do think it's important that you really allow yourself time to grieve this loss. Who knows how you will be feeling about things even a month from now?

I also want to say that I think it's completely normal to question whether your family size is "right". I think a lot of mothers do this, but it's hard for those of us who have chosen to have one b/c it's so against the norm. Even though I'm 99% certain that I don't want another child there are days where I wonder if this is really and truly what I want. The fact that (at some point) the decision is final is what makes it hard.


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## majikfaerie

it's all hormones. they come in and make us want to make babies. it's a biological imperitive. I found it wore off, after kicking in really strong when dd was 3ish. I waited to be 100% sure and ready for another child... and I never was. because I know I don't want another.


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## carfreemama

majikfaerie, thanks again







If I wait not too many more years, menopause will make the decision. I have to remind myself it's only been 2 WEEKS since I miscarried. I did read that it's normal to go from wanting to try again immediately to never wanting to, in the space of 5 minutes. Which is where I'm at. I posted this in the onlies thread, because that really is the issue for me. Do I abandon our wonderful life with an only, when I don't feel "100 percent sure." A lot of it is that of the several people who knew I was pregnant, I got SO much of "finally. Now your dd will have a sibling."







Along with every other only-cliche out there. People seem to have been much more concerned about dd's only status than they ever admitted to me; which is to their credit, really. Apparently, my in-laws even consulted a psychic about whether we would have another child and the psychic said yes and that I was probably pregnant right then (which I was). So my confidence has been eroded a bit. I think I'll catch up on the posts in this thread. Whatever we decide, I know that will help. It always does.


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## majikfaerie

CFM
actually, you *do* have another child. that child isn't living







, but still a child. give yourself time to process that.


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## alexisyael

Quote:


Originally Posted by *carfreemama* 
...Has anyone else been in this place?

Change some of the details around (it took me four months to get pregnant, we miscarried in February this year, our son is 4 and special needs and I'm 35 and we went as a family to France -- and Spain -- two years ago) and I could have written this post. Yes, I have been there (and still am, actually, since we haven't made a permanent decision yet).

Background: I joined this group a long time ago. We had a difficult experience with parenting the first couple of years (especially with nighttime parenting), which spurred our desire for an only, but we gave ourselves the caveat "we won't do anything permanent until he is three." Last summer, we reevaluated and decided we wanted to stop using birth control for a set number of months (6) and see what happened. ("If it's meant to be, it will happen" was my reasoning.) We are infertility survivors, so this seemed reasonable (I'm NOT ever going back to temping and doing the eleventy billion things it took me to get pregnant with Remy!!!!). It was really low key and way different (more pleasurable/ happy) than TTCing had been.

And whoa, we got pregnant! It seemed crazy and almost more miraculous than getting pregnant after two years of TTC (with our son)! Amazing.

And then, we miscarried @ 12 weeks. (It was a "missed miscarriage" because the embryo was @ 7-8 weeks in size. ) It was difficult and I ended up in the ER b/c I was afraid of bleeding out... my husband was away at a job interview and there was no one else in the house and I got scared and my MW is unlicensed in this state and couldn't come to give me support.

I miss this baby a lot and like majik said, I'm still a mom to her/ him. (I actually have an older angel baby, too, from when I was in my 20s and I've always considered Remy my second child.)

Grieving has been compounded by the fact that we're (FINALLY!!!) going to be able to move, my husband got one of the jobs he interviewed for this time around (he's in academics, so all the interviews are in the fall/ winter/ early spring with a start date of the next academic year). We're moving to New Jersey! But it's been a huge transition, because we had to sell our house and in order to do that, we had to stage it (painting etc...). I can't imagine having done all the work we just went through pregnant... I would have, happily, but. It would have been a lot harder. We haven't exactly been using birth control, but we're leaning more towards avoidance right now, if you catch my drift ;-)

Anyway, right after the miscarriage, I couldn't imagine ever going through that pain/ heartbreak again. And then, as I started feeling better, I reevaluated that fear and started rethinking. (I'd say in March and April I was leaning more towards having another go at pregnancy.) Then, when the realities of moving set in, I've started leaning more towards staying an only child family.

The awesome thing in all this is that my husband and I are going through these swings together. Last month, we started talking about him getting a vasectomy in June or July. And that's where we are right now, but I can't guarantee it will be where we're at next month.








I am so sorry for your loss, mama. I hope my sharing my story helps, in some way.


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## sarahdavida

Quote:


Originally Posted by *carfreemama* 
I keep thinking about something dd said recently; "mommy, can we go to France?" And I thought yes, we can; if it's just the 3 of us.

I am on what feels like a very dangerous threshhold and I think in my heart, I know my answer. How can I let go? Has anyone else been in this place?

I have not been in your place exactly, but can understand how deeply you feel pulled by the very biological desire to have another child, but know that it would also prevent a lot of things you want to do from happening...it is SOOO difficult. I am 35, but DH is 58 and, on top of that, has Parkinson´s Disease. I don´t usually disclose that freely, but I think it is an example of a very concrete reason why it would be clearly best (ina simple view) to keep things as they are...and yet, we also find oursleves talking about having another someday - BOTH of us! but I also know if I told DH I were done, he would probably feel a certain sense of relief and be completely fine with that.

We feel we still have a lot more leeway, time-wise, on my end - but it´s a very present issue for us...I also know it´s a result of my having a longer break from work than I suspected, so it´s hard for me to see (especially around ovulation time) that I just shouldn´t because of professional projects that are over a year away...even though I KNOW we shouldn´t - and in many respects, don´t want to.

I know that when DS is fully weaned (in process right now - so another hormonal factor), I will simply go back on the pill and we won´t go through this monthly "what if" scenario - and that will calm the issue more, but it´s a tough one...the biological/hormonal pull is STRONG

and I would also imagine that having gone through what you have recently, you are probably still processing it emotionally, which gives everything more weight

hope you can wade through this peacefully and be content with whatever the future may bring


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## puffingirl

Our situation is different, but still feels gut-wrenching. I didn't want children for most of my life and DH was fine with that when we met and married. But he changed and really wanted to be a parent. We argued for about 3 or 4 years and then I thought I could see having one. I had a m/c and then DD. I was not good with pregnancy---I was miserable 99% of the time. Early infancy was only marginally better. DD will be 3 this month and I absolutely LOVE spending time with her. From about 18 months on, I really hit my stride and began to love our family more than anything I had ever known. Then DH gets the bug for another child and he's been fairly relentless about it. He fears that we will regret not having another one, for our sakes and for DD. He makes generalizations about how much "better" life is with siblings (he's the oldest of 3). I am an only and don't feel the same way, but when he starts playing the "you'll regret it" card, I feel plenty of fear alongside of my anger. There are times when I am so full of love for DD that I do think I could do it again. But really, it's thinking that I could do again what we've already done--have her. It's not just the pregnancy and infancy stuff that I don't want, it's having a bigger family--more demands, less resources, less time, etc. DH and I had the worst disagreement about it this last weekend I ended up in tears and the gap has not closed between us. It's become so divisive that spending time together is unenjoyable.

Wow...sorry to have just dumped all that out there, but I really needed to get that out.

Big hugs for all of us trying to sort some stuff out.... I look forward to hearing more from parents of only children--there aren't many around me.


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## joslin

I am not sure how active this thread is but thought I'd jump in too. I was a "no kids" person for most of my life and then we had DS when I was 38. Having him was a decision we agonized about, not being people who were "drawn" to parenting- what if it was awful, what if something was wrong with him, etc. Pregnancy was fine, but I hated the infant stuff and the beginning was so awful I thought I was going to have to go into the loony bin, but like the others have said I think we hit our stride at 18mo or so and now that he is 22mo I can imagine doing it again. I keep thinking, it is not something I want but that DS would benefit and it would have to suck less than last time (right?) b/c we had learned things. So I waffle. I think- it would be unimaginably horrible, and then I think it would be lovely and awesome. How to decide? I thought we were "one and done" . . . and the biological clock has ticked it's last breath, so I really need to figure this out NOW. I keep thinking that my head knows this is the wrong choice, but my heart is telling me to have another.


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## majikfaerie

first of all, it can be, in many ways, that one finds the second child easier than the first one was, just because one has that experience. BUT - first of all, it's not necessarily the case. You don't get the same kid over again - the next child is a whole new person, and you've never raised that child before; yes, it might be easier than the first one was, but it also might not be. I know plenty of people who had an "easy" firstie and a really rough time with the second (about as many parents as I know who had a challenging time with the first and found their second to be easier). AND - it's never going to be easier having 2 kids than one. yes, the second one may be easier than the first one was, but it's still not going to make one's life easier to have another child. you'll be BFing and dealing with your toddler/ small child. you'll be dealing with the small child on top of the sleep deprivation from the baby. etc etc. at some point, they grow up a bit and play together, entertaining each other, BUT as I've seen, you spend just as much time dealing with the sibling rivalry and sorting out their arguments, and there's no guarantee that they'll like each other at all. I *hated* my brother - we never ever got on or played well, and ironically, he was purpose-concieved to be my playmate.









not that I'm trying to talk anyone out of having more kids... just that I think people should go into these things without the rose-coloured glasses. Kids should be concieved consciously, and very much wanted; wanted for the person they are, and not just as a playmate/ sibling to existing children.


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## babeak

I concur with majikfaerie. We were similarly not planning to have any and then at 11:59pm decided to try and we had dc when I was 40. We have thought to have another, but circumstances actually prohibit it at this time. We have never thought to do so for a playmate, but that would be a benefit. Its just that it is has been so much more fun than we ever imagined it would be and would like to do it over again. I think in many ways though, that that is exactly what I want. I really would like to just rewind the hands of time and do it again. I am not so sure that I would be a good parent of two, especially on "those days" when i am struggling to be a really good parent of one.


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## carfreemama

Wow, the replies here have been amazing and the stories are powerful. I guess for some of us, arriving at one was easy; or a foregone conclusion. For many others, though, it seems like it's been more a "journey to one;" or you think you've made your decision (like me) and then it changes. For some of us, there are very practical considerations, like age or illness and for others it's straight-up preference. Yet here we all are!

Puffingirl, I feel for you. This is the situation I want to avoid with dh. I hope your week has gotten better with your dp. I decided a long time ago that I would rather have a close relationship with dh and one child than a strained relationship with him and 2 children. This has served me well in avoiding resentment over how long I had to wait before we tried again and now maybe it's too late. So many friends told me to "just tell him," as their reasoning was that since I would be caring for the baby and taking time off work, it should be my decision and he should stop being so selfish. Many people told me this and I was kind of shocked. I can't imagine how hard it is to be the one who wants only one and be expected to have more, though. I can see how awful that pressure must be and how hard it would make it to enjoy the family you have now. I'd love to hear an update.

Sarahdavida, big hugs to you! Thank you for sharing your story.

For me, I had a big talk with dh yesterday and actually spoke the words aloud, "I don't think I want another baby." I know it's too soon to be shutting the door, but that was a HUGE relief and it's stayed that way for 24 hours. That's the longest I've felt peace since even before the miscarriage. I get excited thinking about the future of our little family. It's so easy for me to list off my goals for us:
-to strengthen dd's bond with what little and spread-out family she does have, give her a sense of her roots
-to have dh have a vasectomy and for us to reclaim our sex lives, outside the context of sleep deprivation/TTC/birth control, etc
-to travel with dd and have adventures
-to go back to school
-to work on the house we all love so much

For now, we are MUPPIES; a modern urban pod

Thank you all for your amazingly compassionate responses


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## puffingirl

Thank you, Carfreemama, for your kind words of support. It's been a really bad time here and just to read a compassionate response brought tears to my eyes. I am happy for the peace you have found in your decision.

Things are no better here--in fact, they have gotten worse. We went round and round again on this after a very unpleasant weekend away when I felt shafted in the co-parenting dept to begin with, and our relationship is faltering. We've been married for 8 years and together for 13, but things have become sad and cold and lonely. We finally decided tonight to make an appt with a couples' therapist (which is a little tricky because I'm a therapist and personally know all the couples' therapists that I usual refer clients to). We're both hurting and grieving the idea of losing what envisioned our life to be like.


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## mckennasmomma

puffingirl, that sounds really hard. My dh and I have been to counseling several times to help us work through various phases in our relationship. As you know, seeking counseling does not mean the relationship is over; it just means you are in a time of change and adaptation will follow. The last time we went to counseling, I think we were dealing with somewhat similar issues that you are now: major life changes that we were having difficulty adjusting to. Whenever we are in a difficult phase, I find myself questioning the foundations of our relationship; then when we work through it, we usually are better than ever and I wonder how I could have had such fatalistic thoughts about our relationship. Anyway, I know this is kind of off topic for the "onlies" discussion, I just wanted to lend another note of support.

And that really is support not just for you, but for everyone on this thread who might be having a difficult time with the decision of having just one or having more. There is no one perfect decision, but we can always embrace what we have.


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## sarahdavida

Quote:


Originally Posted by *puffingirl* 
Thank you, Carfreemama, for your kind words of support. It's been a really bad time here and just to read a compassionate response brought tears to my eyes. I am happy for the peace you have found in your decision.

Things are no better here--in fact, they have gotten worse. We went round and round again on this after a very unpleasant weekend away when I felt shafted in the co-parenting dept to begin with, and our relationship is faltering. We've been married for 8 years and together for 13, but things have become sad and cold and lonely. We finally decided tonight to make an appt with a couples' therapist (which is a little tricky because I'm a therapist and personally know all the couples' therapists that I usual refer clients to). We're both hurting and grieving the idea of losing what envisioned our life to be like.









so sorry you are going through such a difficult time...


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## Ali26

Hello, I am a 38 year old mother of a 3 year old DS; he is my only child and will remain an only for all the reasons many of you have listed. I love being the mother of an only! However, DH took awhile to accept this, I'd say it took him 2 years or more to fully accept this decision. So I can relate to many of you who are having difficulties with their DH in deciding how many kids your family will consist of. DH has siblings who he likes very much and is rather traditional, ie, families have 2 kids or more. I wasn't close with my sibling and thought I'd have 2 kids before I had one and realized #1 how much work is involved, and #2 that I had absolutely no desire to have another, I have the child I want, why try for another?

The best of luck to everyone who does not share the same viewpoint as their spouse on this issue, my DH and I have had multiple arguments about this issue, but my feeling to not bring a child into the world that I did not want overweighed all the pressure that DH put on me. I guess it took our very easy going baby to turn into a high demanding toddler for him to see my point: we are happy as a family of 3, we have lots of free time to ourselves for going out w/our friends while the other parent watches DS, we have a great babysitter to watch DS when we like to go out on dates, so why change things. Finally one night when DS was particularly difficult going to bed DH said "I'm so glad we have just one". I told him "ha, welcome to the 'dark side' ". He laughed.

I firmly believe that societal pressure of "a family consists of at least 2 kids" is what drove DH's thinking for so long. Goodness, at my 6 week follow up appt after DS was born, the doctor mentioned "the next one" I would have! I thought to myself "who says there will be a next one???"

I read all the posts here starting awhile ago, when I was researching the "only child", and it has been invaluable for me. Thanks to everyone who wrote about their experiences. I have a friend who is getting the "so, when are you going to have the next baby?" now from many people. I told her to say this to them: children are not like potato chips, you can stop at just one!

Regardless of how many children one has, or chooses not to have, I believe in following your heart, even if society says you are wrong or different. You will be raising your child or children, society will not be popping in and saying "how can I help you?"


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## puffingirl

I really appreciate hearing all of your honest stories of how your family came to be as it is. As all of you probably know, it's so nice to not feel alone in these thoughts about having an only.

I'm hopeful that DH and I can work this out. I really relate to what you said, Ali, about not wanting to burden a child with pressure. I can really think of only 1 good reason to have any child--because you want to love and raise it to the very best of your ability, no matter what. Everything else seems like pressure and unfair expectations. And if I don't feel that (which I don't), it doesn't seem like bringing any other child into this world would be a good idea.

It is good to hear that some of you have had conflicts with your SO about this but have worked it out. It's just hard to know that one of us will have to give up on how we see our ideal family size--there really is no compromise on whether it's one child or two.


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## Ali26

puffingirl
It is good to hear that some of you have had conflicts with your SO about this but have worked it out. It's just hard to know that one of us will have to give up on how we see our ideal family size--there really is no compromise on whether it's one child or two.[/QUOTE said:


> You are totally correct about that, there is a mourning process of sorts after that decision was made between myself and DH. Every now and then, when I see siblings playing nicely together on the playground, I think "what if", but then reality hits me--I don't want another child, and DS has plenty of friends already. It is easy to romanticize a situation when you only see the benefits and the positives; I don't take two children home after the playground is done with and have to deal with any of their negatives!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Here is a link to a blog about only children, and the comments have helped me so much:
> 
> http://www.workitmom.com/bloggers/workitmom/?p=482
> 
> Also this book by Susan Newman: Parenting an Only Child
> 
> I would tell DH some of the research in the book, letting him know that mutliple studies have proven the many advantages of being an only child. I think he was just worried due to hearing so many stereotypes.
> 
> I just put DS to bed, I think I'll go and enjoy some "me time", just another plus of having an only!


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## Down2Earth

I've been reading the comments on the workitmom article.







I highly recommend it.

And now I know what to say if someone (again!) asks when am I going to have another child. "Why do you ask?" It is polite and should hopefully cause the other person to think twice about the rudeness of their question.


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## mckennasmomma

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Down2Earth* 
I've been reading the comments on the workitmom article.







I highly recommend it.

And now I know what to say if someone (again!) asks when am I going to have another child. "Why do you ask?" It is polite and should hopefully cause the other person to think twice about the rudeness of their question.

Or, you might find they are asking because they are interested in just having one also, and think you may be of a similar mindset, or respect your opinion and would like to learn more about that option. Either way, it is great to learn more about why they are asking before embarking on your answer.


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## majikfaerie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Down2Earth* 
And now I know what to say if someone (again!) asks when am I going to have another child. "Why do you ask?" It is polite and should hopefully cause the other person to think twice about the rudeness of their question.

nice idea


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## Jacqui

bump


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## mckennasmomma

I _have_ been thinking about this "tribe" lately


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## CatsCradle

I've been thinking about this tribe too. Actually bought Time Magazine last month...cover story was "The Myth of the Only Child." (or something like that).

I might have posted to this thread a long time ago...don't remember. But, DH and I were one of those couples who planned on never having any children. DD was born when I was 42 and DH was 58. I wouldn't trade DD for anything in the world, neither would I trade our family of three!


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## mckennasmomma

I didn't see that Time magazine...did you like the article?


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## CatsCradle

Quote:

I didn't see that Time magazine...did you like the article?
Hopefully I'm doing this correctly, but here's the link:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/arti...002382,00.html

The article was okay (perhaps slightly fluffy in areas), but what was most interesting was the history behind the myths regarding only children. It is funny how one man's conclusions in the late 1800s led to a century of misconceptions that we are still dealing with.

I normally don't buy or read Time but saw it on a news stand and it immediately peaked my interest.


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## majikfaerie

oh thanks for that link


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## angelisagemini

Hey other only families! I grabbed that issue of Time magazine too, I never read it, but I saw the cover and thought "Vindication!"

DS is going to be two next month and so we've officially decided that we're one and done. DH has started the process for getting a vasectomy, which is quite the process in the military, luckily his command doesn't care about age or number of children so it isn't too much of headache. I'm excited. I'm excited to know that this is our family, whole and complete (well except for a few pets we'd like to add for DS when he's bigger). I'm also excited to get our sex life back. For years now I've been on and off hormonal BC, which all make me crazy, or IUDS which make my sex drive crash, or condoms which just plain suck...it's going to be so great to be with my husband without any hormones or barriers interfering. And to not be struck with terror every single month thinking that I might be pregnant will be great too. I know vasectomies aren't foolproof but they're much more reliable than condoms!

We're loving the benefits of only one child while we're living in Japan, it's more expensive here, especially with the exchange rate right now, but because it's just the three of us we're able to get out and explore. I'm also loving that we got a three bedroom apartment, so now we'll have a guest room!


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## jellybeanmumma

So glad I found this tribe! I'm another one that never really wanted kids then changed my mind when I was surprised by the arrival of DS in my belly! We agonized about whether we were ready for this step and my instincts said that this was a baby that wanted to be born. Even then I kinda only wanted one but we talked about how when you have kids you've gotta have at least 2..now DS is 1 and very high needs but an awesome spirited bub and totally suited to our family and DH has decided on his own that he wants an Only as well. Sweeet. We were discussing a vasectomy the other day. Thinking of not telling family and friends and if the question comes up about having more we'll just say we can't and change the subject. They'd be rude to push it surely? And technically its true. Will be hard cause his dad told me recently I'd have to have another soon cause he wants a whole football team. Oh well dreams are free old man! Its weird cause I took ages to birth my placenta and the midwyfe asked if this was my last baby as this often happened with your last babe (she didn't know our story as my midwife didn't make it in time so sent a sub). Even then I just kinda felt that DS was my only. I'm so stoked to hear these stories of chosen onlys. I told one of my closest friends as he is an only and I wanted to feel him out. His response was "He'll be so loved. I'm glad I'm an only child" He is a really well adjusted super sociable guy who was orphaned at 18 so hearing that from him made me feel better about it all. It seems environmentally, financially, energetically and romantically this is a good move. Keep the stories coming us Only mums gotta stick together!


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## mckennasmomma

Quote:

Its weird cause I took ages to birth my placenta and the midwyfe asked if this was my last baby as this often happened with your last babe (she didn't know our story as my midwife didn't make it in time so sent a sub).
I had never heard that before. Strangely though, I also took forever to birth the placenta, and ended up needing pitocin to get it out (and this was a perfectly smooth homebirth, so I trust that I truly needed it at that point). I hadn't fully decided about whether or not we were having more at that time...Interesting!


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## avaylee

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mckennasmomma* 
I had never heard that before. Strangely though, I also took forever to birth the placenta, and ended up needing pitocin to get it out (and this was a perfectly smooth homebirth, so I trust that I truly needed it at that point). I hadn't fully decided about whether or not we were having more at that time...Interesting!











We knew ours was an only from the start (well, barring a multiples birth). And the hour after she was born was way more of a hassle than the rest of it. Will have to share this with DH.


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## carfreemama

Hi everyone! Glad to see everybody checking in.

Our little update: After m/c in May; having before then always decided dd would be an only...I am currently waiting out an ovarian cyst before making any final decisions. Benign, but big and NOT recommended to TTC. Ultrasound not until December. I will be 43 in January.

So, up until the spring, we were always one and done. Dd is 6 and will be starting grade 1 next month.

Meanwhile, though, life is moving forward. We've decided to buy a VW camper van next summer. It's always been our dream. It will fit our little family, including our dog, perfectly. It feels good to have a new plan and vision for our little pod; which will, barring something very unusual either deliberate or accidental, remain at 3 humans plus 2 pets (and soon, an aquarium).

Speaking of which, I've been trying to find an acronym for families of onlies; you know, like yuppies. So far, I've come up with muppies..."modern urban pods." Obviously, that only works if you're, well, urban.







Anyone else have ideas?


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## puffingirl

Hey, carfreemama, I hope that cyst resolves soon and that you aren't in much discomfort--I know those can be no fun!

We had a rough summer really hashing through the only child vs. one more issue. DH still really wants another but I think has finally heard me that I am one and done. I'm getting all her baby stuff ready to sell at a yard sale next month and it's hard on both of us--he's really grieving and I feel alone and not able to share the mix of feelings that comes up for me about it (since he'll say, "Well, if you're sad about it, have another!").

But we're trying to keep going. We all got sick with some summer cold/flu thing the other week and I was thinking to myself, as I was sick and miserable and impatient, "There is NO way I could have a second one and remain sane and a good parent to DD". DH and I are going to try for our first big getaway next week, leaving DD with his folks for 3 days as we go off by ourselves. We'll only be a couple hours away, so even if we just get one night away and have to come back, it will be a fun adventure.

Hope all your families are well!


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## carfreemama

Hi Puffingirl. It's so hard when it's not both of you being one-and-done, or at least not at the same time. I totally understand the mixed emotions; but when I felt dh was "holding out" on another, I couldn't have heard HIS mixed emotions. I can totally see myself saying what your dh did, though it wouldn't have been fair of me. It's just plain hard either way. I'm glad you're being heard, though. For me, when dh was absolutely not going to reconsider, it was so hard to hear the finality of "no." That's actually why we did try again; dh eventually said okay, if it's that important to you. Which actualy sucked the joy out of becoming pregnant again. I almost felt, well, don't do me any favours. And it REALLY complicates grieving after a m/c.

I think "moving on" with a new family/couple project is great. I hope you have a fabulous time. One thing I told dh is if we really are going to be an "only child family," let's start taking advantage of it many, well, advantages. Let's embrace the freedom and excitement of dd getting older and being more independent and celebrate the fact that she wants to do so much with us. That's really helping me and us as a family move on. I also always remind dh that our happiness as the family we are NOW is infinitely more important than whether we add someone else to the mix. I make sure he knows I'm sticking with him no matter what, even though this process has been so painful. In my heart, I know we are so very lucky to have our one girl.


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## SweetPotato

Hi ladies- I just wanted to check in since it's been so long since there's been any action on this thread.

I've come full circle yet again since the last time I posted (SO glad that I didn't end up pg in the interim). Dd has been having a rough couple of months, and I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. We have such an intense relationship already, and it's been really draining trying to give her the support she needs right now. I honestly can not imagine having anyone else make any more demands on me right now- I think I'd lose it.

We've alos had another wave of new babies in our group, which of course makes me think about our choice (we've decided to give ourselves one more year before making it permanent). On the one hand, I have such sweet memories of dd, and of course all those ubiquitous, cheesy media images of large happy families. On the other hand, I am really feeling like my stint as a sahm has taken a toll on me, and I'm not sure that another 5-6 years would be the best thing for me (and thus, for my dd and for my marriage). I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a failure for not being some calm, fun mom who can handle 4 kids running around and being home raising babies indefinitely and just be fulfilled and zen about it all. But that's just so not me. I feel like I'm so amazingly close to our dd, and while I like the "idea" of loving someone else as much as I love her, and of her potentially having another constant in her life, I just don't think I can sign up for another round. I'm not sure there would be any "me" left.

Sorry for the novel-- I feel like I'm laying in bed fretting over this every night. I wish I could just get okay with the decision and move on!

How is everybody else??


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## mckennasmomma

Sweet Potato what you said makes so much sense!

I recently and suddenly went through an "oh my gosh maybe we *should* have another" phase. Then I noticed that these feelings came up shortly after I (finally) got my period back. I really think that it is an evolutionary, hormonally related feeling: to reproduce. Realizing this connection has made it easier for me to understand, and therefore to not stress over it. I know that the best thing for me/my daughter/my family is to not have another; despite that a piece of me wants my daughter to have a sibling, but I truly believe that that is society (and the hormones of course) whispering in my ear. The thought that helps me deal with that is remembering that there are very few parenting choices that I make that are mainstream societally supported, so this is just kind of one more on the list.

Hope everyone is doing well.


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## majikfaerie

feeling that one child is enough doesn't make one a failure.


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## greenmama

I have my step grand daughter so often I feel like I didn't really get to have an only child(except for those first five years which I cherished). This was driven home two weeks ago when we bought my dd a bunk-bed because she doesn't like sharing a full bed with her niece. My dd loves her niece, and I love her too. Soon my mother-in-law will be living with us and I lament that we will never have just our wonderful family of three again.


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## babeak

Sweet Potato,

I think that it is hard being around other families that are in the process of expanding because it is so exciting and pg has it's infectious qualities in and of itself.

We explored it when DD was 2 and there was one night where I swear if my DH had been available we would have 2 LOs







However, the wave of my friends having new ones has kind of passed and I think that I am now *over* it and have moved on and DD just turned 3. I hear lots of complaints that the additional one has brought on. I am happy with just one. It is sufficient for me. HOWEVER, I DO LOVE being a SAHM most of the time, unfortunately most of it is without support as DH is deployed. I am going to be sad when the best job of my life kind gets curtailed and I actually have to go back to work. I don't think that I am highly suited for lots of kids as sometimes 1 can be overwhelming 24/7 without sufficient breaks. I am just enjoying it as much as I can because it all zipping past me a lightening speed. My only wish is that I had family support instead of having to rely upon babysitters to get a break a few hours a week.

I get might jealous of those that have family support near. This was also another factor in deciding against going ahead with another...just not very doable with one here already....that is even if we could get pg.

Happy with our decision and moving on with the exciting life that we have ahead. You know my mom always responded to people's questions about her having more than 2 with..."I want to see how these 2 turn out." The same could easily be applied to the 1 and is perhaps even more fitting.


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## carfreemama

Hi everyone:

We are still me, dh and dd.









SweetPotato, we're still trying to figure it out, too; though I will be 43 in January. Neither of us can bear to just say, "we're done." So we keep on using birth control, keep occasionally alluding to "maybe" and then watch time go on. For us, it's better to let the door gently close on its own than to shut it ourselves.

However, what I AM doing is more of the shamelessly letting dd enjoy the benefits of being an only; of which there are many. I no longer worry that I am "spoiling" or "indulging" her. She fits perfectly in the middle of our queen-size bed. There is enough money for lunches out once a week and to buy books insead of always borrowing them. I can spend hours playing with her and volunteering at her classroom. I know some SAH moms manage to do this with lots of kids; but in our situation, resources would not be quit so abundant with more children.

I am trying to remember that our family is complete NOW. I had a moment when I realized after the miscarriage that
I was starting to long for "someone else." I think one of the reasons dd has never really wanted a sibling is that she was a planned only and we just kept reinforcing that as our norm. I do not want our grief over our lost pregnancy to change that dynamic for her.

Lots of babies in our lives, too, though. In fact, I'm hosting a shower today. I've decided to be "aunt Nancy" to them all, if I can.

I hope others chime in. I've been wondering how everyone is, too!


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## oaktreemama

Hello.

I am a new member here at MDC with an only. We were told we would not have any children, and of course the next month I got pregnant. We were so happy-I mean over the moon happy.

We are thrilled with our little boy who is 29 mos now. We love our little pod (love that!!) of four-me, DH, DS, and our beloved dog. We have no desire to expand our family.


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## majikfaerie

welcome oaktreemama


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## puffingirl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
Hi ladies- I just wanted to check in since it's been so long since there's been any action on this thread.

I've come full circle yet again since the last time I posted (SO glad that I didn't end up pg in the interim). Dd has been having a rough couple of months, and I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. We have such an intense relationship already, and it's been really draining trying to give her the support she needs right now. I honestly can not imagine having anyone else make any more demands on me right now- I think I'd lose it.

We've alos had another wave of new babies in our group, which of course makes me think about our choice (we've decided to give ourselves one more year before making it permanent). On the one hand, I have such sweet memories of dd, and of course all those ubiquitous, cheesy media images of large happy families. On the other hand, I am really feeling like my stint as a sahm has taken a toll on me, and I'm not sure that another 5-6 years would be the best thing for me (and thus, for my dd and for my marriage). I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a failure for not being some calm, fun mom who can handle 4 kids running around and being home raising babies indefinitely and just be fulfilled and zen about it all. But that's just so not me. I feel like I'm so amazingly close to our dd, and while I like the "idea" of loving someone else as much as I love her, and of her potentially having another constant in her life, I just don't think I can sign up for another round. I'm not sure there would be any "me" left.

Sorry for the novel-- I feel like I'm laying in bed fretting over this every night. I wish I could just get okay with the decision and move on!

How is everybody else??


I could have written that post, almost word-for-word. DH and I are still at odds--he still wants another and I don't and am feeling miserable. DD just gave up her pacifiers 2 days ago to the paci fairy and sleep has been not so good--really bad, in fact. Thankfully, DH has taken the brunt of the care the last 2 nights, but it sure reminds me of why I don't want to go through endless rounds of nightwaking again. Plus I also just feel so depleted from caring for DD and working part-time that any time I get for myself still just isn't "enough". I also feel like a total failure that I really can't do more without going bonkers, even though I would never judge anyone else like that.

Good to hear how everyone else is doing---take care, all.


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## mckennasmomma

All this talk about "failure" makes me want to share this video: Brene Brown She talks about failure/perfectionism in a way that really opened my eyes.


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## marimara

Bumping this up for a new member asking about onlies.

Hello all again. I still have an only







I, like SweetPotato, go through phases of "Baby Fever" every now and then too. I refer to it like it's an illness that passes









But honestly last time I had it, it was bad. I really thought I needed, wanted, another baby. But as time pases and I 'recover' from the fever, clarity seeps back in.

I think it's totally natural for women of child-bearing age to pine for babies, over and over again. You see sometimes threads about women who had 6 kids and still get baby fever. It's in our genes. We can't change mother nature. We evolved to want children, to love the smell of new babies, to adore them. That's what makes us the good mothers that we are (compared to say, a crocodile). We love babies.

But just because it's our nature doesn't make mean we have to have a baby every time our body's clock starts to click louder. I recognize that my body realizes it's ready and willing to have another baby sometimes. It means my body is healthy and nature is alive and well within this female body. But that doesn't mean intellectually, or emotionally, or psychologically I'm ready for another child. Because I'm not. It also doesn't change my husband's opinion







I know that this small family is the right size for us. Just like we live in a small apartment, drive a small car, and do everything 'smaller'. It works for us and we're happy. Though sometimes my body doesn't care and just screams baby, baby, baby....esp when everyone around me is on their second or third pregnancy already since I've had my one.

So I totally needed to type that out for me to see the actual words that I've been thinking these last few months. Yeah...that feels right.


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## puffingirl

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mckennasmomma*
> 
> All this talk about "failure" makes me want to share this video: Brene Brown She talks about failure/perfectionism in a way that really opened my eyes.


Thank you for sharing this. I did a professional workshop with her a few years ago and really enjoyed her stuff---it was very interesting to hear some of the main ideas again at this current point in my life.

Welcome to any new mamas!


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## jellybeanmumma

It's good to check back in here..we keep putting off booking a vasectomy and I'm not sure why? Fear we've failed if we only have one? Fear the grandparents will tell our child he was such a horrible baby he turned us off having more (he's high needs, and I was high needs, and my parents tell me all the time I turned them off more kids, and that I'd be an only if I'd been first). How long do you wait before making it permanent? Natural planning did not work for us - DS was unplanned but chosen - he just came a few years earlier than planned. We feel complete as 3. He's awesomely spirited and I want to have time to enjoy that rather than resent it. And why does everyone - parents, inlaws, siblings, playgroup mums feel they have the right to tell me I should have more kids and then perpetuate the "only myths" that he'll be spoilt, anti social blah blah blah. Sorry for the cranky post - venting after a bad day!


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## frontierpsych

Hey everyone, haven't been on in a while, but I just wanted to say we're doing great here. DS will be 27 months at the end of the month, and he is doing great! He's been in daycare for a few months and is adjusting nicely. I am supposed to be looking for a job







.....

We've had a bit of trouble with CPS, but we have a really cool case worker whom I don't mind coming around. She is not going to be our case manager soon and she said keep her in mind as a babysitter, she is very playful and affectionate with DS. New case worker (whom we haven't met yet) but apparently she is a little more by-the-book... still though, we have nothing to hide.

As for the only child thing-- it's hitting us. You know, that WAVE of people asking when you're having the next one?







Which I guess is better than the folks at New China Buffet (whom we have gotten to know pretty well over the years) who will just come up, rub my (larger, lately-- I gained 23lbs!) belly, and ask "Ohhh, new baby? New baby?" Grrr! lol! They are so sweet though I can't help but forgive them.


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## jboo7506

Hello all,

Here's a update for our tripod. Russ is one already!! His birthday was bittersweet. I am happy he is growing well, thriving in fact, and has such a wonderful personality. But, his birthday was a reminder of his birth which did not go as planned. I labored at home for 43 hours and had to transfer because he was not moving down the birth canal. I had to have a c-section; which still breaks my heart. I know, I know he couldn't have been born vaginally b/c of the way he was situated in the womb, but it still sucks he was born via c-section and I didn't get to see/hold/kiss/touch/smell him until he was THREE hours old b/c of the hospitals policy on moms who have had anesthesia being in recovery for 3 hours.

What this all comes down to is I feel like the only reason I entertain the idea of another baby is b/c I want another shot at birthing at home and having a vaginal birth. That is NOT a reason to have a baby but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it ocassionally. I keep in touch with one of my midwifes and told her how I've been feeling about the birth lately and she suggested we reinact the birth and talk over if we could have done anything different to change Russ' position. I hope that will help bring me closure.

My husband is secure with our decision to have one; which is good b/c it grounds me and makes me remember why we want Russ to be an only.

well this has become a rant, i am sure you will all understand where I am coming from.

thanks for listening.

Jennifer


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## CI Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jboo7506*
> What this all comes down to is I feel like the only reason I entertain the idea of another baby is b/c I want another shot at birthing at home and having a vaginal birth. That is NOT a reason to have a baby but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it ocassionally. I keep in touch with one of my midwifes and told her how I've been feeling about the birth lately and she suggested we reinact the birth and talk over if we could have done anything different to change Russ' position. I hope that will help bring me closure.


I also had a difficult labor that led to c-section and it is really tough knowing that this is the only birthing experience I'll ever have, because I don't plan to have any more children. For me, I really am content with 1, so it's not so much that I want another baby so that I can have another crack at a vaginal birth. What I really want is to figure out exactly when my labor got off track and why, and then hit the "rewind" button and do the whole thing over again, only better. Which is, of course, impossible.

My DDs first birthday was bittersweet, and her 2nd birthday was much easier. Time really does have a powerful healing effect. I've also slowly, slowly lessened my grip on the idea that someday her birth will "make sense", that I'll know exactly what went wrong and how I could have fixed it, and I'll have a neat, tidy (if sad) explanation of who is to blame and why. My reality: it's a messy, complex story with about a thousand different factors that contributed to why things played out the way they did, and I may never know "for sure" what would have/could have/should have been, if only, if only, if only....

Over time, I get a little better at just accepting that it was what it was, and moving on.

I think it's a great idea to meet with your midwife and re-enact the birth. Sounds very cathartic & therapeutic. It may or may not bring you to "closure" but it would probably have value regardless. Let us know how that goes for you!


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## majikfaerie

:hug I can understand. I did birth vaginally in the end, but I was in labour for over 60 hours, and eventually gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital (we didn't continue, but went home with a healthy babe). I would LOVE to be pregnant and give birth again; I would LOVE to experience that and do it "right" this time.

But, as you both said, that is NOT a reason to have a baby, and I do NOT want another child; I'm really happy with just one.

having another child, even if it's the most perfect birth imaginable (and there's no guarantee that it will be), doesn't take away the first birth. We can heal ourselves in other ways.


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## mckennasmomma

Quote:


> My husband is secure with our decision to have one; which is good b/c it grounds me and makes me remember why we want Russ to be an only.


The other night I randomly said to my dh: how certain are you that you don't want more? (Because he had initially been the one who wanted just one, and I came to feel the same way over time.) He answered: not quite as certain as you are. yikes! So today we had a heart to heart about it, and we truly are on the same page: we both just want one. I think we both also have a really balanced view, that there *are* compelling reasons to having more, but in the end this is what we both truly want, and what is truly right for *us*. I was really relieved to find out that he wasn't starting to lean towards wanting more, because I feel like I need him to only want one also. Like the above quote, his being secure with the decision helps ground me about it too.


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## OnEarth

I love this thread! I keep coming back here whenever I get those ovarian twinges telling me to have another baby, come to think of it the urge usually comes up around when I'm ovulating







Of course, DH absolutely doesn't want more, he has a now adult child from a previous marriage, and now DD who is almost two, she may as well be an only child, and she is my only. I really do love the advantages of having only one. The idea of trying to take care of a second baby while still giving attention to DD is completely overwhelming, and I love how soon we'll be done with the challenges of the younger years (to be replaced by the challenges of the middle years...). We can give as much attention as needed to DD, travel, save for our retirements and her education, and pay attention to each other. When I do occasionally get the new baby urge I remind myself that I really don't want another one, I would just love to do it again with DD!

So, if your only is younger than school age and at home, or is homeschooled, what do you do for socialization? How do you help your kid learn to deal with others? I was an only and had some issues in those areas, largely due to issues dealing with my BIG emotions. I really don't think they stemmed from being an only, but rather might have been helped with more intentional social interactions set up by my mother and support from her. I think I am a wee bit paranoid about passing it on to DD, who I must remember is only 21 months, is her own person, and has totally different parents than I did. She sees another girl her age every other week or so, sees myself and DH, and her grandmother and great grandmother on a regular basis. All of DH's family, and her multitude of cousins, live in another state, so they aren't an option.


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## puffingirl

We were concerned about socialization too. I was an only and had trouble managing teasing and peer conflict when I was in grade school, not having had any of that at home with sibs. I was in preschool, full-time, and had lots of neighborhood friends but I still don't think that prepared me enough for how intense it can get in the school-age years. We're keeping that in mind with DD and hope to help her address it directly as she ages. She's a bit timid with peers, though totally comfortable with adults (just like I was). We've talked about having her start some kind of martial arts class at 5 to help her feel more confident in herself and with her peers. In the meantime, we started her in preschool 2 mornings a week at age 2 and now she goes 3 mornings a week. It's been really good for her in so many ways. Before school started and during breaks, we play a lot with other small kids in the neighborhood--play dates, trips to the park, outings to local places. She is still more comfortable with adults, but is getting better with peer-to-peer stuff too, thankfully.


----------



## goldenwillow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *karlin*
> 
> Hi! My DS is also an only and also 3.5. While we are not infertile (yet anyway. DH is getting a vasectomy tomorrow!), we get lots of pressure to have another child. We are very happy with our family of 3.
> 
> I find I often don't have too much in common with my friends in my mom's group, even though we share the same parenting philosophies. They always tell me how nice it must be to only have one (especially since he goes to preschool, though I pulled him out for a month because he's pretty sensitive, and some of the older kids have really been hurting his feelings). It seems like they think I'm pretty odd for not wanting more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> We never really planned out how many kids we were going to have...we just said, Let's have a baby!, you know? As it turned out, my child was not a sleeper, a little more spirited, nursed a long time, etc. By the time I was getting enough sleep (he was 3 before he slept through the night), he had weaned and potty trained. We just didn't feel the need to go through it all again. Our family size is perfect for us.


Love this! Right there with ya!

We too get a TON of pressure to have another! In fact, an hour after having DS my MW said, "you are one of those that should have 10!) NO WAY!!!! I am just fine with my 1 DS. Our pregnancy and birth was fantastic and I really don't want to mess with that!

I wasn't that girl that loved being pregnant and really don't want to challenge my body again for another! I am an only child by birth (many step/bonus sisters and brothers- my Dad has been married 6 times) and find that I don't need blood siblings for support or etc... I have always found friends growing up that had HUGE families that I was always welcomed into. We love our family of 3!


----------



## goldenwillow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *karlin*
> 
> Hi! My DS is also an only and also 3.5. While we are not infertile (yet anyway. DH is getting a vasectomy tomorrow!), we get lots of pressure to have another child. We are very happy with our family of 3.
> 
> I find I often don't have too much in common with my friends in my mom's group, even though we share the same parenting philosophies. They always tell me how nice it must be to only have one (especially since he goes to preschool, though I pulled him out for a month because he's pretty sensitive, and some of the older kids have really been hurting his feelings). It seems like they think I'm pretty odd for not wanting more.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> We never really planned out how many kids we were going to have...we just said, Let's have a baby!, you know? As it turned out, my child was not a sleeper, a little more spirited, nursed a long time, etc. By the time I was getting enough sleep (he was 3 before he slept through the night), he had weaned and potty trained. We just didn't feel the need to go through it all again. Our family size is perfect for us.


Love this! Right there with ya and trust me... you are not odd! I am in the same boat!!

We too get a TON of pressure to have another! In fact, an hour after having DS my MW said, "you are one of those that should have 10! NO WAY!!!! I am just fine with my 1 DS. Our pregnancy and birth was fantastic and I really don't want to mess with that!

I wasn't that girl that loved being pregnant and really don't want to challenge my body again for another! I am an only child by birth (many step/bonus sisters and brothers- my Dad has been married 6 times) and find that I don't need blood siblings for support or etc... I have always found friends growing up that had HUGE families that I was always welcomed into. We love our family of 3!


----------



## goldenwillow

Sorry... double posted for some reason


----------



## goldenwillow

... Don't know what is goin on here!!!


----------



## jellybeanmumma

So DH asked last night how we would deal with it when kids at preschool/school ask DS how come he doesn't have brothers and sisters. He's only 17mo now so its not too much of an issue and if grown ups/relatives start pushing the issue with us at the moment we just say "we got it right the first time" but we were talking about how if DS came out with that comment it would be taken as arrogant. Any tips from older onlys about dealing with this question?


----------



## sapphire_chan

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *puffingirl*
> 
> We were concerned about socialization too. I was an only and had trouble managing teasing and peer conflict when I was in grade school, not having had any of that at home with sibs. I was in preschool, full-time, and had lots of neighborhood friends but I still don't think that prepared me enough for how intense it can get in the school-age years.


I had a little brother and had trouble managing teasing and peer conflict when I was in grade and middle school. Hope that relieves your mind!


----------



## CatsCradle

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *puffingirl*
> 
> We were concerned about socialization too. I was an only and had trouble managing teasing and peer conflict when I was in grade school, not having had any of that at home with sibs. I was in preschool, full-time, and had lots of neighborhood friends but I still don't think that prepared me enough for how intense it can get in the school-age years.
> 
> 
> 
> I had a little brother and had trouble managing teasing and peer conflict when I was in grade and middle school. Hope that relieves your mind!
Click to expand...

I had siblings and also had big issues with teasing and peer conflict at school. You have to realize that the dynamic with siblings is much different than a kid's dynamic with unrelated individuals. Siblings are siblings, whether or not there is teasing and conflict at home. I'm not sure how to adequately explain it, but your experience and relationships with non-related individuals are going to be vastly different than the ones with your siblings. It is my view that siblings don't set you up for increased or better socialization. I think that socialization is something that occurs beyond the family unit, mainly because in most cases, the family unit is a safe zone (no matter how much teasing your big brother bestowed upon you). I think that outside the safe zone is where most people learn to interact with other human beings in a way which allows them to negotiate differences and to communicate in a way that is not assumed. I think there is a certain positive bias that you have toward your family and certain assumptions that you make in familial relationships that isn't present in your outside relationships.


----------



## mom2ponygirl

Wow, I can't believe I just found this thread! LOL We have an only dd who is 12 now. I do sometimes have a longing for another child, but overall we are very happy. Oh, and as far as the socialization worries - she's probably more mature acting than most kids her age, but she gets along well with a large variety of kids. She has some great friendships and is very happy with her life.

I remember some years ago when she confided to me that she was glad she didn't have any brothers or sisters. She mentioned a couple of friends with siblings and said, " Mom, did you know that they yell at each other and fight and get into each other's stuff!" LOL


----------



## CatsCradle

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jellybeanmumma*
> 
> So DH asked last night how we would deal with it when kids at preschool/school ask DS how come he doesn't have brothers and sisters. He's only 17mo now so its not too much of an issue and if grown ups/relatives start pushing the issue with us at the moment we just say "we got it right the first time" but we were talking about how if DS came out with that comment it would be taken as arrogant. Any tips from older onlys about dealing with this question?


I don't know, I think the population is so diverse now that (1) I wouldn't spend too much time agonizing about it, and (2) kids are going to ask a lot of questions - not just about being an only but about a lot of other family dynamics. With us, the goal has been to let DD know that she is incredibly valued and that there are a lot of different types of families out there. We live in an only-child heavy demographic, so this hasn't really been an issue for us except that sometimes DD will ask why she doesn't have any siblings. The way that she asks it, though, seems to be less about desire and more about comparing our family to others. As long as we are honest with her as to why, she seems satisfied. I mean, amongst themselves, kids ask a lot of questions. I think it is part and parcel of growing up. I think the goal, for us at least, is to teach DD that there is no shame in being different than others. It is a challenge but kids are pretty resilient.


----------



## OnEarth

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *puffingirl*
> 
> We were concerned about socialization too. I was an only and had trouble managing teasing and peer conflict when I was in grade school, not having had any of that at home with sibs. I was in preschool, full-time, and had lots of neighborhood friends but I still don't think that prepared me enough for how intense it can get in the school-age years. We're keeping that in mind with DD and hope to help her address it directly as she ages. She's a bit timid with peers, though totally comfortable with adults (just like I was). We've talked about having her start some kind of martial arts class at 5 to help her feel more confident in herself and with her peers. In the meantime, we started her in preschool 2 mornings a week at age 2 and now she goes 3 mornings a week. It's been really good for her in so many ways. Before school started and during breaks, we play a lot with other small kids in the neighborhood--play dates, trips to the park, outings to local places. She is still more comfortable with adults, but is getting better with peer-to-peer stuff too, thankfully.


I was like that as well, always most comfortable around adults and children who were either older or younger than myself. I want to provide her with opportunities for hanging out with other kids, she really likes other kids, even if she does spend most of the time sort of watching them. I had thought of her as shy, now I think she's more observant than anything else which can be an excellent quality. I wish we had more resources right now, we are both in school and sharing childcare, we can't afford even part time day care which I think she might enjoy at this age. This will change in a few years, or that's the plan, but right now it can be a struggle trying to get regular playdates with other families.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CatsCradle*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *puffingirl*
> 
> We were concerned about socialization too. I was an only and had trouble managing teasing and peer conflict when I was in grade school, not having had any of that at home with sibs. I was in preschool, full-time, and had lots of neighborhood friends but I still don't think that prepared me enough for how intense it can get in the school-age years.
> 
> 
> 
> I had a little brother and had trouble managing teasing and peer conflict when I was in grade and middle school. Hope that relieves your mind!
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I had siblings and also had big issues with teasing and peer conflict at school. You have to realize that the dynamic with siblings is much different than a kid's dynamic with unrelated individuals. Siblings are siblings, whether or not there is teasing and conflict at home. I'm not sure how to adequately explain it, but your experience and relationships with non-related individuals are going to be vastly different than the ones with your siblings. It is my view that siblings don't set you up for increased or better socialization. I think that socialization is something that occurs beyond the family unit, mainly because in most cases, the family unit is a safe zone (no matter how much teasing your big brother bestowed upon you). I think that outside the safe zone is where most people learn to interact with other human beings in a way which allows them to negotiate differences and to communicate in a way that is not assumed. I think there is a certain positive bias that you have toward your family and certain assumptions that you make in familial relationships that isn't present in your outside relationships.
Click to expand...

You're right that relationships with non family members are very different from those within the family. This can be either positive or negative. It's interesting when you begin to learn, oh this is only normal in MY family, and other people don't act this way, or I can't treat others this way. I do think it has way more to do with the temperament of the child than it does the family set up. DH had 4 older siblings, and it definitely wasn't a pleasant experience for him, I am glad that he didn't keep the kind of "socialization" he received at their hands! Typical older brother abuse. I think what I am really concerned about is, will I pass on my own difficulties to her, either through nurture or nature. I can't protect her from everything, but I'd like to give her as many tools as possible for dealing with life, herself, and others.


----------



## OnEarth

ACK! My mother actually just said to me "she (dd) is almost two now. I guess it's time to start thinking about having another one." I think I looked something like this>







plus







plus some nose wrinkling and are you crazy thrown in. I can't believe she would actually ask, I've told her repeatedly that DD was going to be an only. I asked her if she just wanted to see the expression on my face, nope, half serious! Lol, I told her that if she wants to pay for daycare for both of them then we'll talk. I'm not mad, just, mmm, bewildered.


----------



## Eeyore35

I struggle with only one. I wanta baby so bad! everything with m ydaughter is both a frit nad a last, and I find it REALLY hard. i"m not ok with an only.

Howver, I'm single, not dating, and at age 36, not likely to find anyone, much less in time to have a child. I can't afford a sperm bank. So,my only option would be go get knocked up. I'm not going to, and honestly, I can't handle another child on my own. I have health issues, and being essentially the only parent 24/7 is damn hard.


----------



## OnEarth

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Eeyore35*
> 
> I struggle with only one. I wanta baby so bad! everything with m ydaughter is both a frit nad a last, and I find it REALLY hard. i"m not ok with an only.
> 
> Howver, I'm single, not dating, and at age 36, not likely to find anyone, much less in time to have a child. I can't afford a sperm bank. So,my only option would be go get knocked up. I'm not going to, and honestly, I can't handle another child on my own. I have health issues, and being essentially the only parent 24/7 is damn hard.












I am right there with you on the mourning the passage of each stage, even though I dont want more.My mother always wanted more, but doing the single parent thing it never did work out for her. I hope that you can find a way to make it work or make peace with it. I will say she's extremely happy to be a grandmother, and I'm happy to have provided that for her. Even if she is half jokingly harassing me for more babies....


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## iris777888

DH shared yesterday that he's considering a vasectomy. This was news to me, as when we'd talked about it previously (over a year ago) he had said he wasn't ready to do that yet and it had never come up again. Surprisingly, I've had mixed feelings since hearing it. Our boy is about to turn 4, and while I'm confident we only want one, for soooo many reason, I think just the finality of that decision is what's causing the odd feeling. Also, just concerned about the potential risks and complications he might encounter.

Anyone else go through this? I just didn't have anyone else to talk to that might be able to relate. For those of you with DH's that had the procedure, did it go well for them? Do you/they consider it a good move, something you'd choose to do again?


----------



## DomerJen

Hi Everyone,

I just found this thread and found the last 6 or so pages I've read very useful. We've got one son who is 22 mo old now. We always thought we'd have 2-3 kids, but found parenting our DS very difficult in infancy. Like many babes, he didn't sleep well until well after his 1st bday, and needed me a lot more than my "mainstream" friends' kids seemed to. I also suffered from PPD which never got diagnosed till I lost it when he was about 9mo old.

I really feel like either he's got an inherently great personality, or we've had success sticking w/ AP methods, though. He's wonderful to be around, sleeps decent now, and dare I say, has manners? Basically I feel like every day is better than the last, and if we go back to having another kid, we're just reversing that trend. Why mess w/ it? But since it's not he way we "planned" it seems a hard thing to decide about. We don't have a bio rush (We're only 30) but the big considerations for us is to have 2 closer together in the hope that they like each other *and* to reduce the amt of time we're on one income, my retirement savings is on hold, etc... so I feel like we have to decide sooner than later.

Anyway, this thread is great... My BFF is an only and I do feel like she is much better adjusted than me socially (I was #4 of 5 kids). Her mom says that she has always been very cognizant of how precious her friends are b/c of being an only - I think we can all see the benefit in that!


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## iris777888

Welcome to the thread, Jen! It's sooooo long, but at least you can search it to find something specific.


----------



## AnalogWife

My DH and I have never discussed vasectomy, but he was an eensy bit







when I told him I declined the offer to tie my tubes during my unplanned cesarean. DS is 3.5 and has autism, he gets SSI so I'm now a SAHM and almost 38 and I'm getting now-or-never baby fever bad. I've always gone back and forth, I mentioned it to DH last week and he's still a flat NO. He says I'm lucky that I got this one out of him (and TBH, he's right, it was tough and sometimes painful) but he loves DS so much and since I'm SAH now and the fact that he feels really guilty for talking me into going to the WRONG hospital, I thought this time he might reconsider. I told myself that if he brings it up again (like, if he was fetching for compliments on how he is as a dad, etc) that I'd be able to talk him into it. Instead, our brother/sister cats got into a giant meow fight yesterday and DH told DS (and me) that that's why he'll never have a sibling. C'est la vie.

I too get outside pressure for #2, which is funny since no one ever said anything about me being mid-thirties with 0.

In the end, I am deeply grateful that I got to experience a BFP and a pregnancy---at 34 I was starting to think I was a dud. And DS is the end-all be-all of our lives, we cherish him tremendously.


----------



## goldenwillow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AnalogWife*
> 
> In the end, I am deeply grateful that I got to experience a BFP and a pregnancy---at 34 I was starting to think I was a dud. And DS is the end-all be-all of our lives, we cherish him tremendously.


Same here, 34. I never wanted to have kids until I met DH. I got pregnant at 33 and had DS at 34. I still run into old family friends or old friends that cannot believe I had a child! Funny.


----------



## AnalogWife

I haven't gone through the entire thread, I apologize if this has already been discussed.

95 percent of the time I'm 1000 percent happy with just the one. I went a long time thinking I'd never fall in love, never conceive, never have a child who made it through childbirth, I was very self-defeatist. Now I have a wonderful husband and my one-and-only, the little boy is the gilttering disco ball of our lives, we love him so much and he means everything to us. That child completes me, motherhood has given me so much confidence.

I would go for another, DH says no, which is the percentage of me being fine most of the time, but whatever. Thankful I have the ONE, and thankful for the benefits of only having one (we are not Rockefellers.)

Sometimes I feel a little offended when people have their second child and say "Ok, now our family is complete." Or the fact that they HAD to have another one, like having only one is some sort of misfire. People never pestered me to have babies until I had one...and then I just "HAD" to have another. Has anyone else ever felt this way, insulted like like we're considered "incomplete" as a family? Sometimes, I even feel a little betrayed when some of my friends who also started families in their mid-30s go for another one. Like, I just found out that Amy Poehler had a second one right after her first one and I felt a pang of betrayal or jealousy or loneliness or something. I know it's silly, but sometimes I feel sensitive about how it appears that we just have just one---which is ridiculous since I felt like a huge gaping free-radical 1000 pound ugly cell in the world when I had none. Just looking for support, I guess, don't shoot please!


----------



## bodhitree

Well, I feel like people think I'm a big fat weirdo for not even wanting another. I guess that's the same kind of thing you're talking about, where you feel like people are assuming the "standard" is to have at least two, and if you only have one then it must be because something is wrong with you. A lot of people say, "Oh, you'll want another when your daughter gets to be about three or four." No, I really don't think I will. I ADORE my DD, but we barely survived her babyhood with our marriage and our sanity intact. We were already planning to stop at one, and then DD was a high-needs baby and that made us even more sure. Now, she's 21 months old and I'm actually happy that she ONLY wakes up around six times during the night. I am so glad to have my DD and I would never trade her for anything or anyone, but the people who act like of course we will want another will never understand what the past two years have been like for DH and me. It has been a trial by fire, and while in many ways I'm grateful for the experience, in no way do I think I need to go through it again. Of course, we might end up with an "easy" baby if we had another, but since they don't let you fill out an order form to get what you want







, there is no guarantee.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I do understand what you mean.


----------



## CatsCradle

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Xantho*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *AnalogWife*
> 
> In the end, I am deeply grateful that I got to experience a BFP and a pregnancy---at 34 I was starting to think I was a dud. And DS is the end-all be-all of our lives, we cherish him tremendously.
> 
> 
> 
> Same here, 34. I never wanted to have kids until I met DH. I got pregnant at 33 and had DS at 34. I still run into old family friends or old friends that cannot believe I had a child! Funny.
Click to expand...

I was much older, 42, but I have the same experience. I think my family had come to terms with DH and I just being, well, DH and I. I can't believe how freaking lucky I've been in life. We never planned on a child and when it did occur, we thought we would accept the challenge and our minds were blown. DD is a real gift...I can't look at it any other way. I'm one lucky chick to have been given this opportunity. I guess my idea of 'family' has been very much fulfilled. I mean, I considered DH and I to be 'family' even pre-child, so DD just added to the rich mix for me.


----------



## AnalogWife

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CatsCradle*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *Xantho*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *AnalogWife*
> 
> In the end, I am deeply grateful that I got to experience a BFP and a pregnancy---at 34 I was starting to think I was a dud. And DS is the end-all be-all of our lives, we cherish him tremendously.
> 
> 
> 
> Same here, 34. I never wanted to have kids until I met DH. I got pregnant at 33 and had DS at 34. I still run into old family friends or old friends that cannot believe I had a child! Funny.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I was much older, 42, but I have the same experience. I think my family had come to terms with DH and I just being, well, DH and I. I can't believe how freaking lucky I've been in life. We never planned on a child and when it did occur, we thought we would accept the challenge and our minds were blown. DD is a real gift...I can't look at it any other way. I'm one lucky chick to have been given this opportunity. I guess my idea of 'family' has been very much fulfilled. I mean, I considered DH and I to be 'family' even pre-child, so DD just added to the rich mix for me.
Click to expand...

I love your story. It makes me wish our DC were in playgroup together and it's reminded me of some things I used to feel--I remember an online friend from another community talking about her motherhood journey and how that she loved her DH but that something was always "missing." She was having infertility issues and at the time we weren't TTC yet, but I remember thinking "gawsh, I may want to expand one day but I don't feel like something is *missing*." Childish, but I knew all my life I wanted to be *pregnant,* I wanted the excitement and the big belly and for people to stop short in their cars to allow me to cross the street---but I was terrified of childbirth, of sleep dep, of loss of free time, constant interruptions, of taking second to someone who is so inherently self-centered. Pregnancy was everything I'd hoped and more, and once he came it was a piece of cake (ok, not the sleep dep part, but once I learned how to nurse lying down at 6 weeks then it was allll cream cheese), so yes, you've reminded me that I do remember being FAMILY with DH--we were together 6 years when DS came onto the scene, 5 of those he was pretty adamant about not adding to the population and I was ambivalent--but having this little boy in common has strengthened our bond immeasurably. And he (along with others, I suspect) is blown away by how I've accepted the motherhood role, I think he's flattered that someone would treat and love his child so very well, it has raised his esteem for me which is icing on the cake. I was a bit of a party girl pre-DS and we're always saying how nice it is that I was able to get that out of my system so that I wasn't resentful toward my now homey life. Instead of being humdrum it's welcome and purposeful. I agree, I feel like one lucky chick, sorry so wordy but thanks for the eyeopener!!


----------



## AnalogWife

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *bodhitree*
> 
> Well, I feel like people think I'm a big fat weirdo for not even wanting another. I guess that's the same kind of thing you're talking about, where you feel like people are assuming the "standard" is to have at least two, and if you only have one then it must be because something is wrong with you. A lot of people say, "Oh, you'll want another when your daughter gets to be about three or four." No, I really don't think I will. I ADORE my DD, but we barely survived her babyhood with our marriage and our sanity intact. We were already planning to stop at one, and then DD was a high-needs baby and that made us even more sure. Now, she's 21 months old and I'm actually happy that she ONLY wakes up around six times during the night. I am so glad to have my DD and I would never trade her for anything or anyone, but the people who act like of course we will want another will never understand what the past two years have been like for DH and me. It has been a trial by fire, and while in many ways I'm grateful for the experience, in no way do I think I need to go through it again. Of course, we might end up with an "easy" baby if we had another, but since they don't let you fill out an order form to get what you want
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> , there is no guarantee.
> 
> So I guess what I'm saying is, I do understand what you mean.


You say it right when you say it's the "standard" to have at least 2. It's almost like there's no thought to it, that blammo, it's all charted out for you. Sometimes I'm like "what, this perfect, dynamic child isn't enough???" I wonder what they're not seeing, we are so happy with him and he is so happy with us---and it's clear at the sight of our house that we don't have a lot of money. We were lucky, he was an easy baby for the most part....but the first 6 weeks I was in complete disbelief that people would go through that TWICE or more...and to have others to care of at the same time, it was just madness to me.

The greatest pull/sorrow I feel about DS's situation comes when I see things like Kings of Leon or The Bee Gees or something....siblings who are in music groups, my DH is a musician and my 2 brothers are musicians and I just think it'd be nice if DS could grow up with a consummate bandmate and trusted friend. Then again, the only time my brothers were in a band together it came with disastrous consequences and I read that the Brothers Gibb don't always have the best relationships either.


----------



## EarthMamaToBe

I can't believe I just found this thread. We have one DS almost 15 months after 28 months TTC. I will be 40 next month. I always planned on 2 kids, always assumed I'd have a daughter...but then I did not get pregnant until 38. I did not have the birth I wanted.

DS is he absolute joy and light of our life, I adore him beyond everything I thought possible. He will most likely be an only. Though I'd love to be pregnant again in theory, in practice I just CAN'T. DS still does not sleep though the night and we have no family nearby if I ended up on bedrest again. I do adore the dynamic of three, it works very well for us.

It gets to me though how many times I get "you are such a wonderful mother, it's a shame you aren't having more", like I am "wasting" motherhood having only one child. I really WANT to be okay with only one...most days I am. Recently though about 10 Moms from my DDC are pregnant again and I can't help but be a little jealous even though I KNOW I don't want to be pregnant now. I also wish ppl would not ask when we are having another. DH is 9 years younger than I and I think some people (like MIL) think I am "cheating" him out of more kids by being 40.

I guess I am just rambling now. Anyway, Hi, I am Leslie!


----------



## Halfasianmomma

Hi mamas!

My lovely DD is 30 months old. I had her at the age of 31, with a...not so nice man. Fast forward to now: I'm divorced, dating a very nice man, and wondering if it's ok not to want other kids. There's tons of pressure from "the outside" (namely my boyfriend's parents who'd LOVE to be grandparents), but I have so many doubts. Parenting DD was very hard, because it was worse than parenting solo...it was parenting solo with an abusive drunk undermining me at every turn. I guess I had kind of expected my then-husband to want to participate in all aspects of parenting, but turns out he wasn't interested.

So, as much as I coo when I see a new little baby, I remember just how hard it was with DD in those early days when I zombied my way through life. Also, I'm just starting to make my way towards a new career, and another child would seriously delay those plans (again). If I was independently wealthy, I wouldn't worry so much about pregnancy and whatnot affecting my career, but the fact of the matter is, I'm single, and though I'm with someone right now, I do not, nor will I ever, rely on him to help me provide for my DD. So, I need to work and ideally, I'd like my job to make me happy...hence the new career direction.

And finally...I had a lot of trouble dealing with the effects of pregnancy and nursing on my body. I was anorexic for a good part of my adolescence, and I spent my adulthood obsessing about body issues. I found pregnancy a hard lesson in "letting go", especially when I discovered the millions of stretch marks I developped on my belly and hips. I'm just now, after 2 years, getting used to the new me, and I still struggle daily it. I know it's a selfish thing, but for me, it's a real issue.

So, perhaps being the mom of an only (and being an only myself!) is my future!


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## NikonMama

Hello! Is this a tribe only for women who have one and only want one? I'm a mom of an only, but not by choice, so that's why I ask. DH and I had DS by accident before we were married. We got married the day after DS turned 18 months old. We had agreed that we would TTC #2 when we got married. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary. DS will turn 12 this month. It's hard to explain to the "outside" (as I've heard it called here) why we *don't* have another child. I know our DS was an accident, but it was still really hard hearing last week that my sister is pregnant with her first after trying for one month. They are due on their 1st wedding anniversary. I'm extremely happy for her and excited, but it was still hard to hear. Unless we suddenly become rich so we can buy a baby, we'll probably only ever have one child.


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## iris777888

Nope, this thread is for all moms of only kids. We've got a mix. Some of us are here because we only ever wanted one, some have one even though they wanted more, and some have one now and they (and/or spouse) are undecided about the future.

Welcome to all the new mamas!


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## PrincessDoll

Hello ladies, my spouse and I are parents of one child. He'll be turning 6 soon. This is not how I thought things would turn out for us in regards to the number of children we would have. I thought I'd have at least 2 and on my way to a third by now when we first got married over 10 years ago. We would like more children, but God's plan for our lives may be different and I'm open to that. I also homeschool my only child so I get a lot of grief from others about his "lack of socialization". At times I do feel sad when I'm around friends who have more than one child and see the connection siblings share. Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and say hello and have a place to talk about issues that are unique to having an only child.


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## TdotOMom

Hi all,

Just found this thread and found the recent few posts very useful-

I wonder if there are Moms like me who have one, want another, but Husband isn't sold on it? And any Moms with big space between two kids.

Our daughter is 3.5. I'm the youngest of four with a big space of eight years between me and my next sis. My husband is an only and says he was happy about it. He has a half sister he doesn't really know at all.

Our first was a happy surprise- perhaps a bit before we had planned on it, but after we mutually stopped using B.C. I'm still not using Birth control, but maybe cuz of nursing and carefullness we haven't had any conception.

I want him to be on board with another baby someday...he has to be or it just shouldn't happen. I'm o.k with a big space between kids since then maybe we can focus our attention on each one more individually (his main concern). I do miss our time as a couple a bit (his other main concern), but I feel like I'm really good at being a Mom and making babies. He is an amazing Dad- I just love parenting with him and he dotes on DD. I'd like three but will settle for two. He is 37 and I'm 33- how late is too late?

Lastly: People (read MILs) love to tell you how many kids you *should* have. So rude! We get it both ways: MIL has given me the "There are too many people in the world, your family shouldn't have so many kids" and DH always gets "When are you going to have another she needs a brother" from my family.

I've opened a discussion with him on things we should accomplish before considering another: Things like get a better job, travel, etc

Ideas anyone? I am trolling for stories of fathers who only wanted the one...but maybe were ok with two after toddlerhood passed?


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## AnalogWife

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TdotOMom*
> 
> Ideas anyone? I am trolling for stories of fathers who only wanted the one...but maybe were ok with two after toddlerhood passed?


My DS is also 3.5 and my DH is NONONO to any others. I've brought it up a dozen times or so in the past 3.5 years, and it's usually a light-hearted attempt but I still get NOs, and he absolutely loves DS, but when I met/married him he was pretty firm about not wanting any at all (world population, our own money, our sanity) so this one gift he gave me is pretty substantial.

The only time I've gotten a MAYBE hung on a bigger, better house. Our mortgage is complicated so we're stuck here until our financial situation dramatically improves. We've talked additions, but he wouldn't want to add on a bedroom, he'd want to add on a recording studio for his work, so it's just kind of tangled and untamely, and our yard isn't big enough for the addition size that he'd want.

If we were to have another, I think he'd prefer it if they were far apart in age (which is good since that'd be our only option at this point.) As far as the world pop goes, I showed him the controversial Mother Earth News article about "responsible breeding" and how you should only reproduce yourself once (if at all) so a couple could eco-responsibly have 2 kids but that's it. THAT approach was the least successful, actually, he got sort of mad when I brought that up so I dropped it quickly.

When we had DS I was 34 and he was 40. Now I'm almost 38 and he's 44. Tick tock....


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## sarahcecile

Hi everyone. I have a DD who is 5, and an amazing person. We have been trying for over 3 years with 4 losses to have another baby. I am in the process of miscarrying the 4th pregnancy now, so it is all really very raw. We decided we would take this one last step to try and then if it failed we would move on to embrace life with an only child. It was never ever part of the plan that she be alone. She is an incredibly social child, and we homeschool. She has a large community (I feel) of close friends and makes new ones easily, so I don't worry that she won't be socialized, but rather than it will be difficult to meet her social needs with just me and my husband. I have lots of fears racing around in my head at this point, and I hoped this would be an okay place to air them. Ours in the only family I know with an Only, and she feels that, and often asks why. She understands at this point that there can't be any more babies in our family, but is sad about it. I also worry for her need for family as we grow older. I have two siblings, and her first cousin is on his way in June, but 1000 miles away. I am wondering if we need to move closer to family to allow for her to form close relationships with other members of the extended family.

Argh. A lot to think about. I am 100000000000% grateful to have her - and as far as I am considered her presence in our lives is miraculous. I know she will be okay, and so will she, I just need to find a new way to look at the world.


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## bodhitree

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sarahcecile*
> 
> Hi everyone. I have a DD who is 5, and an amazing person. We have been trying for over 3 years with 4 losses to have another baby. I am in the process of miscarrying the 4th pregnancy now, so it is all really very raw. We decided we would take this one last step to try and then if it failed we would move on to embrace life with an only child. It was never ever part of the plan that she be alone. She is an incredibly social child, and we homeschool. She has a large community (I feel) of close friends and makes new ones easily, so I don't worry that she won't be socialized, but rather than it will be difficult to meet her social needs with just me and my husband. I have lots of fears racing around in my head at this point, and I hoped this would be an okay place to air them. Ours in the only family I know with an Only, and she feels that, and often asks why. She understands at this point that there can't be any more babies in our family, but is sad about it. I also worry for her need for family as we grow older. I have two siblings, and her first cousin is on his way in June, but 1000 miles away. I am wondering if we need to move closer to family to allow for her to form close relationships with other members of the extended family.
> 
> Argh. A lot to think about. I am 100000000000% grateful to have her - and as far as I am considered her presence in our lives is miraculous. I know she will be okay, and so will she, I just need to find a new way to look at the world.


I'm so sorry for your loss.







I'm sure it's really difficult to adjust to a new vision of how life will be for your family. But I also really believe that families come in many different sizes and configurations, and that's okay. There are many, many only children in this world, and they generally do just fine. You'll figure out how to meet your DD's needs. It just won't look the way you thought it was going to. But you'll figure it out.


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## 6kids3cats

I wanted to post here even though I now have six kids. Wait! Don't leave, lol! I promise I won't tell you any of that crap about wanting more, ok? 

I am an only and love love loved it! Never was lonely, blah blah blah. People who did not know I was an only were really surpised to find out that I am one. I'm in my early 40's and it was pretty uncommon back then for a kid to be an only. I only knew two others!

We were married ten years before Nicolas. We only wanted one and waited intentionally. Had Nick and had the snip 8 months later. Totally happy. DH wanted a little girl I was very clear that I was not giving birth again. Period. Non-negotiable. Had super pregnancy, I wish I could be 3 months preg forever it was so easy. After I had a lot of complications and that sealed the deal had I even remotely considered in a far flung dream of doing it again I was not ever after that!

Nick has ADHD and can be pretty annoying sometimes. He can be totally thoughtful, considerate and sweet most of the time to ME. Not necessarily to other kids, lol. He's smart, cute, sweet. He is a wonderful kid and we are sooooo thrilled he's ours. I would have been just fine to keep it that way. He was never lonely. We never told him he was lonely so why would he think that! I felt complete and very happy. Lots of time for US. Life was quiet and calm... ok, gotta come back to reality!

Short version, saw a little girl in the paper to be adopted. Adoption is not for me. She was really cute and 12. No babies! I'm not a baby person anyhow... she looked like my husband so I showed him her feature about how she can be adopted. He looked at me like I was nuts and called immediately on her. A 12 year old might fit into our family. Nick was 7 at the time. He'd be fine with it. He was unsure and liked things as is but was open to finding out more. She was adopted, we took classes, Nick picked a sibling group of FIVE from online. FIVE!!!! What were we thinking. To me more than one kid was just more than one. Once I was past one it didn't really matter how many. I was an only so it was all or nothing for me. So we talked about it and gave it a lot of discussion obviously and decided we'd do it. Knowing the kids were older and not babies and knowing where they'd come from made the whole adoption thing different for me. More like a marriage is how their therapist described it. They were 5-10 in age at the time. So that is where I'm coming from. I've been on both sides.

If you know one is for you, then one is for you. Doesn't matter what others think. One kid makes a family for you, and you are feeling that that is right for you, then the heck with the rest of them. Adopting a kid, borrowing a kid, a Fresh Aire kid, a surrogate, a donor egg, all those are options but only YOU know what is right for you.

Only children are lonely if everyone tells them they are. They are selfish if they are accomodated. I know parents who have two, three, and four kids who accomodate their kids. Doesn't matter how many siblings you have. Having six means trying to give them all one on one attention and THAT is a challenge. They deserve it and never had it before they came here so we try to fill in the gaps. But they play with each other while we take care of one or two. It works out. Just like if you have one and you make plans to get together with someone for a play date. It works out.

Having other kids around sometimes stresses the bio kid, he's a bit sensitive and we always tell him to work through it and get over it. So he will take a nice long bath to wind down. We make time for that.

I do remember being 16 and wishing my two parents had some other little kid to worry about rather than the two of them constantly being in my business, lol. Not that I was bad, but it was two against one, I was outnumbered! I needed a distraction and would have welcomed a younger sibling at that point, hahahaha.

Never having more than one bio kid, what I know is that Nick and I have a connection that the other kids unfortunately won't get, which is sad. Who knows, having another bio kid might still mean the same thing. Nick and I are just well matched, We get along easily and he doesn't get along easily with anyone except his new sister. They are the same age. They cooperate, fight, disagree, annoy each other and then work it out. Another sister, not so much. They just don't "click" like that. So having another kid doesn't mean they will just adore each other and get along.

Have the family YOU want and enjoy it. Kids will be selfish sometimes, they just will. The one time I can guarantee that a larger family is more fun is on vacation. I always wished I could bring a friend, my parents didn't have me do that. So rides were alone or with a coerced parent who finally gave in or with someone that I met on vacation who went home after. On vacation with us there's always someone to go do something with. Nick decided that he wishes he could be an only for one weekend every two months. He liked being an only and also likes his siblings. But HE was the one who picked them after all! Most kids don't get that luxury. DH's grandma would say that we spoiled him by letting him pick, hahahaha. Even after having siblings he is the same exact kid he was before. Everyone said he'd be less.... ya know... they wanted to say spoiled but wouldn't... lol. He's not changed. He was never spoiled. Funny thing is, the "new" kids as we sometimes call them, even though they're not new anymore, they are exactly like Nick, most people are really, really surprised to find out they're adopted. They look so much like my husband.

Life will take you where you are supposed to be. Have an open mind and expect others to respect you. I only wish I had a nickel for everyone who told me I'd want another baby. NEVER, lol! My youngest is baby crazy and begs for one. NOT HAPPENING!

Hope that helps!


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## 6kids3cats

I wanted to post here even though I now have six kids. Wait! Don't leave, lol! I promise I won't tell you any of that crap about wanting more, ok? 

I am an only and love love loved it! Never was lonely, blah blah blah. People who did not know I was an only were really surpised to find out that I am one. I'm in my early 40's and it was pretty uncommon back then for a kid to be an only. I only knew two others!

We were married ten years before Nicolas. We only wanted one and waited intentionally. Had Nick and had the snip 8 months later. Totally happy. DH wanted a little girl I was very clear that I was not giving birth again. Period. Non-negotiable. Had super pregnancy, I wish I could be 3 months preg forever it was so easy. After I had a lot of complications and that sealed the deal had I even remotely considered in a far flung dream of doing it again I was not ever after that!

Nick has ADHD and can be pretty annoying sometimes. He can be totally thoughtful, considerate and sweet most of the time to ME. Not necessarily to other kids, lol. He's smart, cute, sweet. He is a wonderful kid and we are sooooo thrilled he's ours. I would have been just fine to keep it that way. He was never lonely. We never told him he was lonely so why would he think that! I felt complete and very happy. Lots of time for US. Life was quiet and calm... ok, gotta come back to reality!

Short version, saw a little girl in the paper to be adopted. Adoption is not for me. She was really cute and 12. No babies! I'm not a baby person anyhow... she looked like my husband so I showed him her feature about how she can be adopted. He looked at me like I was nuts and called immediately on her. A 12 year old might fit into our family. Nick was 7 at the time. He'd be fine with it. He was unsure and liked things as is but was open to finding out more. She was adopted, we took classes, Nick picked a sibling group of FIVE from online. FIVE!!!! What were we thinking. To me more than one kid was just more than one. Once I was past one it didn't really matter how many. I was an only so it was all or nothing for me. So we talked about it and gave it a lot of discussion obviously and decided we'd do it. Knowing the kids were older and not babies and knowing where they'd come from made the whole adoption thing different for me. More like a marriage is how their therapist described it. They were 5-10 in age at the time. So that is where I'm coming from. I've been on both sides.

If you know one is for you, then one is for you. Doesn't matter what others think. One kid makes a family for you, and you are feeling that that is right for you, then the heck with the rest of them. Adopting a kid, borrowing a kid, a Fresh Aire kid, a surrogate, a donor egg, all those are options but only YOU know what is right for you.

Only children are lonely if everyone tells them they are. They are selfish if they are accomodated. I know parents who have two, three, and four kids who accomodate their kids. Doesn't matter how many siblings you have. Having six means trying to give them all one on one attention and THAT is a challenge. They deserve it and never had it before they came here so we try to fill in the gaps. But they play with each other while we take care of one or two. It works out. Just like if you have one and you make plans to get together with someone for a play date. It works out.

Having other kids around sometimes stresses the bio kid, he's a bit sensitive and we always tell him to work through it and get over it. So he will take a nice long bath to wind down. We make time for that.

I do remember being 16 and wishing my two parents had some other little kid to worry about rather than the two of them constantly being in my business, lol. Not that I was bad, but it was two against one, I was outnumbered! I needed a distraction and would have welcomed a younger sibling at that point, hahahaha.

Never having more than one bio kid, what I know is that Nick and I have a connection that the other kids unfortunately won't get, which is sad. Who knows, having another bio kid might still mean the same thing. Nick and I are just well matched, We get along easily and he doesn't get along easily with anyone except his new sister. They are the same age. They cooperate, fight, disagree, annoy each other and then work it out. Another sister, not so much. They just don't "click" like that. So having another kid doesn't mean they will just adore each other and get along.

Have the family YOU want and enjoy it. Kids will be selfish sometimes, they just will. The one time I can guarantee that a larger family is more fun is on vacation. I always wished I could bring a friend, my parents didn't have me do that. So rides were alone or with a coerced parent who finally gave in or with someone that I met on vacation who went home after. On vacation with us there's always someone to go do something with. Nick decided that he wishes he could be an only for one weekend every two months. He liked being an only and also likes his siblings. But HE was the one who picked them after all! Most kids don't get that luxury. DH's grandma would say that we spoiled him by letting him pick, hahahaha. Even after having siblings he is the same exact kid he was before. Everyone said he'd be less.... ya know... they wanted to say spoiled but wouldn't... lol. He's not changed. He was never spoiled. Funny thing is, the "new" kids as we sometimes call them, even though they're not new anymore, they are exactly like Nick, most people are really, really surprised to find out they're adopted. They look so much like my husband.

Life will take you where you are supposed to be. Have an open mind and expect others to respect you. I only wish I had a nickel for everyone who told me I'd want another baby. NEVER, lol! My youngest is baby crazy and begs for one. NOT HAPPENING!

Hope that helps!


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## earthgirl

I needed this thread today. Things have been going so well with DD and DH lately that this morning I was having that teeny-tiny bit of doubt creep in, thinking that I should maybe consider expanding our family. Never mind, that a new baby is probably the number one way to make things NOT go well! Anyway, thanks to those of you who continue to share your stories and help remind me that the decision we've made is perfectly fine!


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## puffingirl

Glad to see some new mamas on the thread! We had a terrible day here--DD has had a host of bad health problems this year, mostly related to her asthma. DH is still begging for another kiddo, and I still don't want one and am thoroughly overwhelmed with the one I have (see: health issues). On our way to an emergency appt with the Dr this morning DD starts asking, for the 1st time, for a sibling. We talked about it most of the way there and back and it kind of broke my heart. She's 3.5 and she was telling me how good she is at sharing and how she'd share all her toys and how much she wants a brother or sister. Sigh. I haven't told DH about this conversation yet but it definitely is starting to feel like 2 vs. 1.


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## mckennasmomma

Whew, puffingirl that is so hard that now your dd is asking for a sibling too. My main reaction to it is that it is really the same as any youngest child asking for another sibling: it isn't their decision to make. If the younger child in a family of 4 said they wanted a little brother or sister, it wouldn't be a big deal for the parents to say, "Our family is just the right size."

I'm the younger of 2 kids, and growing up I always loved babies, did loads of babysitting as a teenager, kids loved me, etc. My mom always said things to me like: you'll make a great babysitter someday (when I was too young) and a wonderful mother to your own child someday too. That is probably the response I would give your daughter.

And one last point  The fact that she is good at sharing her toys is a perfect example that children don't need siblings to learn how to share!


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## Coopo

Wow how happy I am to find this forum!! I knew I would, never been disappointed with MDC... I am 39 and had my beautifulDS 19 months ago. One week after he was born my DH lost his job.. I am self employed and was NOT going to go back full time as my lifelong dream was to be as much of a full time mama as possible. Life progressed Dh got a new job and we are making ends meet BUT I'm home 41/2 days with my ds. So we get the when another when another question allllll the time. Both my dh and I had a siblings which I do have fond memories of, but sometimes I just feel like I can offter my ds a lot more if it is just us 3.

So any only child mama's out there, I would love to know your thoughts on what you think you loved, liked, missed etc about being a singleton????

Plus I want to embrace snow days.. not dread them because my ds is home with me from school!!


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## Snapdragon

any moms of onlies go back and forth on wanting a second and then not? Or is this a tribe only for people who are sure they want to stick with one? I have one 11 month old and we are 75% sure we want to just keep it at one child. But every single time I ovulate- which is happening right now- I get a mad craving for a second. What a huge decision!! Plus I am soon to be 38 so i don't have tons of time to decide! I can think of a million ways in which I think my life will be better for just having the one. But then sometimes- like I said when I am ovulating, and when the love for my ds is just flowing- I think- we should have another. anyone else go through this? oh- and then within a week it passes and I go back to being pretty set on the just one.


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## carfreemama

I think you'll find a lot of the mamas of onlies having a tough time with ambivalence over a second child. Not all and maybe not even the majority, but a good number. I am both--how's that for ambivalence!

I am 43. Dd was a "planned only," conceived when I was 35. Easy conception, easy pregnancy, easy baby (after the first 3 months of 24/7 crying). Easy, wonderful kid. Last spring, dh and I decided to try again. I got pregnant within 2 months, miscarried and was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst. Told not to TTC again until it went away.

I am, as I say, now 43. I still have the cyst and may well need surgery. Time has pretty much ticked on. Meanwhile, one of my best friends has had dc No.2. Our first two are just days apart in age, turning 7 this month. Her youngest and my youngest would have been about 7 weeks apart. That has been hard.

For a while, though, something awful happened. I stopped feeling complete with the family I have and started yearning for a second child. I hated that feeling. Wanting another, fine. But one of the best feelings about our little threesome was how cosy and perfect it felt. I feel we are back to that place now. I can't imagine how life would have been different if I'd had that second baby.

So things will never be completely back to the way they were before the miscarriage, but the emptiness is gone. I wonder how or when I will tell dd that she almost had a sibling, that we tried in the end. How will she feel? She has never wanted a sibling, though and has been very vocal about that. I know that could change as she gets older and I know it's not her decision, but the fact that she has always liked being an only has made our decision easier.


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## BlueWolf

I'm so happy I found this thread. I have an onlie and I want her to stay an onlie, but I get a ton of outside pressure to have more. I don't want more! But they keep making me second guess myself. I'm glad I found some like minded folks and know that I'm not alone in my decision or reasonings.


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## rockymama

I also appreciate everyone's perspective on this since most of my friends/counterparts have two and some soon will have three. This is a tough subject for me. My son is 4 and my husband would like another. Deep down I don't feel like I am up to the job. My husband is a wonderful father -- I joke that he is more nurturing than me -- but he also has early-onset Parkinson's, which will continue to result in more and more physical challenges for him and our family. So I am feeling guilty -- guilty of depriving him of another child and guilty of depriving my son of a sibling. I feel like I've got to trust my heart on this one, though.


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## carfreemama

Rockymama, that's such a hard position to be in! There are so many reasons why we choose the family size we have and sometimes it's only partially a choice, or the choices are hard.Not always, but sometimes. Really, you do have to go with your heart; especially if you will be taking on a lot of the responsibility as your family's needs change and probably increase. Dh and I do do some things around "identity," as in celebrating our family's unique size; but we do this in a way where we're careful not to turn it into an issue, too.

It helps that dd has friends who are onlies, I think; some with older parents like us. But she has lots of friends with siblings, too. Sometimes it does pain me when I see her being gentle and loving with friends' babies, but she certainly never asks for siblings. I think she'd make a good big sister.

It's strange for me; if my pregnancy had continued, I'd just about have a newborn right now. While I grieved my loss bitterly, I am only partially disappointed that I don't have a baby right now. Dd is turning 7 and I now attend live arts performances with friends at least monthly. Given that we didn't do much without dd in the first several years, this newfound freedom and independence is pretty awesome. We do a lot of socializing with other familes and have since dd was little, so it's not like we've been isolated. But I am truly enjoying this current phase we're in as a family. I am able to invest real time and energy into friendships right now and it's so rewarding. Would I give that up for a new baby? Would I choose that again? I absolutely don't know. And yet, a good friend has a new baby, her second and I'm amazed at how quickly she's adapted. I thought I'd see a lot less of her for a while, but she's been marvellous at staying in touch. I don't think she's going to the symphony yet, though!


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## vydalea

Hello! I am joining you all - I am a mama of one awesome DD. My DH and I are set on it, but like I keep reading over and over on this forum, our friends and family keep telling us we will change our mind, ask us how we could "do that" to DD







-- AND DD IS ONLY 10 MONTHS OLD! I am so happy to have found this forum for support!


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## LauraLG3

Hi! I am also new to this forum, and so happy to find it. I am 38 with a 14 month old son, Max. Max lives up to his name in everyway - he's very tall and very demanding ;-) Originally, my husband wanted more, but after going through the trials of our first year (food allergies/far from family/terrible sleeper) agrees with me, that perhaps one is all we can handle. While living in the US, I didn't think it was a problem as I have family and friends with onlies. However, we are now living in Australia, where it is quite common to have 3 or 4 and onlies are very rare. It's not a matter of how many, but when, and I better hurry, because, oh no, they might be more than 2 years apart! I belong to a wonderful Natural Parenting Playgroup that is very supportive in everyway except this one - it's just too foreign to them.

Personally, I think it's sad to be around families that are so large, they can't provide the attention their children need. Yesterday, I had two experiences that really solidified my decision to have one child. 1. While at a playgroup, one of the moms commented that it was sad that she wouldn't be able to provide her son with all the things she wanted for him (extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping) because her goal was to have another before he was two. 2. I had dinner with another mom and her three kids that were all fighting for her attention. The baby, who is 8 months, spent a considerable amount of time, by himself, on the floor. She desperately wanted a third, and I think now secretly regrets it, admitting she's streched too thin.

I'm not convinced that siblings are necessarily the best thing for children. I ignored my siblings growing up and now have polite, but distant relationships with them.

I am very happy to provide Max with all the attention he needs and cherish spoiling him with love and affection.

Thanks for starting this forum!

Laura


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## puffingirl

Taking refuge here today.... Just found out that our last IRL "only-child family" friends are expecting a second. *sigh* While I am thrilled for them--I know they've struggled with fertility issues--I am completely selfishly sad for me. DH is so sad all.the.time about not having a second one and it seems like 2nd babies are popping up everywhere around us. We really like this family and have done lots of stuff with them, even going away together, because it's been easy that they had an only the same age as our DD. I know that DH is happy for them but is so completely miserable for himself with sadness and envy today and that makes me sad too. DD keeps asking for a sibling and I feel more ganged up on everyday. I just don't want to do it at all but I hate living this way too--all of us miserable with our circumstance (them because they want another one and me because I'm tired of feeling badgered and guilty).


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## Mayree

What a great thread this is! I didn't realize how many others out there are feeling this pressure. I remember feeling similarly when my DH and I decided not to have children at all... people looked at us like we had three heads! Then we had a little "surprise" and, when my beautiful DD came along and the dust settled from the whole unexpectedness of it (which was after like 2 years, lol) I found myself in almost the same boat: people were shocked that we were stopping at one! I thought, "wow, you just can't win!"

Now that my DD is 8, she doesn't ask for a sibling as much, but every now and then it comes up. I know in my heart with 100% certainty that every time I even entertain the idea of having another it's to please her or to please others. My DH and I are completely aligned on only having one child (thank goodness) but it's still very unsettling when the guilt creeps in.... because it's not REAL guilt - it's outside pressures getting the best of us.

Now I am almost 45, so I'm well within the zone of saying "I'm just too old now".... but it's just to shut people up









Thanks for the great forum!


----------



## CatsCradle

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Mayree*
> 
> What a great thread this is! I didn't realize how many others out there are feeling this pressure. I remember feeling similarly when my DH and I decided not to have children at all... people looked at us like we had three heads! Then we had a little "surprise" and, when my beautiful DD came along and the dust settled from the whole unexpectedness of it (which was after like 2 years, lol) I found myself in almost the same boat: people were shocked that we were stopping at one! I thought, "wow, you just can't win!"
> 
> Now that my DD is 8, she doesn't ask for a sibling as much, but every now and then it comes up. I know in my heart with 100% certainty that every time I even entertain the idea of having another it's to please her or to please others. My DH and I are completely aligned on only having one child (thank goodness) but it's still very unsettling when the guilt creeps in.... because it's not REAL guilt - it's outside pressures getting the best of us.
> 
> Now I am almost 45, so I'm well within the zone of saying "I'm just too old now".... but it's just to shut people up
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks for the great forum!


Hey Mayree, welcome to the thread! I posted a few times upstream and our situations are very similar (didn't plan on kids; had one; totally satisfied with that; the outside forces applying the guilt). If it's any comfort, I'm so past the "guilt" of not providing DD with a "necessary" sibling and all that (not that I thought it was really a requirement anyway), and we feel blessed and love our little family of three!


----------



## SweetPotato

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *puffingirl*
> 
> Taking refuge here today.... Just found out that our last IRL "only-child family" friends are expecting a second. *sigh* While I am thrilled for them--I know they've struggled with fertility issues--I am completely selfishly sad for me. DH is so sad all.the.time about not having a second one and it seems like 2nd babies are popping up everywhere around us. We really like this family and have done lots of stuff with them, even going away together, because it's been easy that they had an only the same age as our DD. I know that DH is happy for them but is so completely miserable for himself with sadness and envy today and that makes me sad too. DD keeps asking for a sibling and I feel more ganged up on everyday. I just don't want to do it at all but I hate living this way too--all of us miserable with our circumstance (them because they want another one and me because I'm tired of feeling badgered and guilty).


I haven't checked this thread in ages, but just read your post today and couldn't not respond. Even though I'm the ambivalent one in our family (dh is still 100% confident about only wanting one), I totally get the selfish sad feeling when friends with onlies get pg-- it's like they're opting out of our own special club or something. Not that we can't still be friends, etc., but just that feeling of having thought that you all shared some special understanding that set you apart a little bit from the rest of the world, and then.. oomph... nevermind- you're all on your own afterall. Just kind of disappointing and kind of like being left behind. At least that's how I've felt.

I also can say now that I was extremely jealous when two of my good friends got pg again, but now that their babies have been born, a lot of that feeling has disappeared. I think that my history of mcs and the rough pg before having our dd (now 5.5yo) kind of makes me susceptible to focusing on pregnancy-- the happy, carefree, pg that I spent 2 years longing for and never really had-- more so than the realities of actually having another person needing me all the time. We're now looking ahead to kindy in the fall, and I'm pretty darned excited about all the possibilities. While I still worry about regretting not having another, I also feel fairly certain that I, my marriage, and our whole family, will likely be healthier if we let ourselves continue to grow as we are, without adding to the mix. In having dd, whom we both adore, we've also discovered that neither dh nor I is very good at balance. He's very career-focused and I'm very child focused (and with our very spirited dd, that has been largely to the exclusion of everything else in my life- not healthy, I know). I think we're finally approaching a good sort of equilibrium now, and I'm frankly afraid of putting more pressure on dh and of losing myself completely. Still wishing we could all be a bit more easy-going about it all, but that's just not who we are. I'm finding that I really enjoy spending time with other families whose kids are older (or whose youngest is dd's age), just so long as we're all "done". Maybe that makes me shallow or bad or something, but I just find it easier sometimes.


----------



## goldenwillow

I too can relate to seeing families that are pregnant or just had another babe. I find myself choking up a lot. People (many) tell us that we need to have another all the time. I like our little family and really cannot imagine being pregnant again. I did have a great pregnancy and birth and I really don't want to mess with that one bit. DH would love to have another but respects my choice not too. My response to folks that say we should again.... Sounds great! Only if DH could do it!


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## greencarnation

I am glad to see this thread! I am pregnant with our first, and we are seriously considering having only the one. We just think it will be best for our lifestyle. It would also allow for personal attention, we both have family and personal history of mental illness.

I balked when my husband first brought up the idea of having one, it just seemed so odd. I am the oldest of six! He has two sisters, but was actually raised alone for most of his childhood. I did some reading, thinking, and spoke to friends who were only children. In the end, I agreed that it will probably be best.

We are staying open to the possibility of a second in ten years or so, but we would both prefer it be an adoption.


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## Monarchgrrl

Hi, can I join?







I haven't read the whole thread...yet. We have a 5 mo DD and will not be having any more kids. No surprises are possible (see my siggy







). We always planned on having just one child. Already people are saying, "The greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling". I'm not so sure I agree with that. We have a couple of friends that have one child and aren't planning on another. We'll see if it stays that way.

I would love to be pregnant and give birth again, just not have another child to raise, so I might consider surrogacy in the future. We have talked about the idea that once our baby grows up (teenager or above), we would consider fostering special needs children.

I could definitely see getting baby fever again once DD is older and when I ovulate, but DW was pretty traumatized by our homebirth (went perfectly!) and DD's first month and would absolutely not consent to another bio child to raise.


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## vydalea

Hi Monarchgrrl! I get so frustrated when I hear people tell me that the greatest gift I can give my child is anything other than to know she is loved whether that is with a gaggle of siblings or none at all! My DH's brother has brought lots of suffering to our lives due to his actions and choices. I think he would completely disagree with what people are telling you!!

Also, I totally agree with your DW: I was seriously traumatized by the first 2 months of my child's life! It felt good to read that I was not alone!!!!!


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## puffingirl

Glad to see some new mamas here too!

Thanks, SweetPotato, for the validation and support. It's in short supply IRL.... The guilt is killing me here some days, but I really can't do it. Even with one kiddo I ran out of patience before I ran out of day yesterday.


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## t2009

Glad to find this thread!!

DH & I are pretty sure DS is our one & only. He's more sure than I am (which I posted about a long time ago & got great support from some of the other moms of singles -- thanks!). But from an emotional & financial stand point it really makes sense for us to only have one child.

I've been not only getting pressure, though, but like direct "don't do it"s from people I know!! DH's step dad told me (as nicely as one can... he's a sweet guy) that it's the reason his own relationship with his daughter has been troubled. And then basically said we had to give DS a sibling!! My jaw just about dropped to the floor. I felt bad for his experience, but, man, not cool! And then a friend of mine (who's an only child) told me to not do it (though she couldn't say exactly why). It's just amazing how people have such strong opinions & feel so free to share them!! IRL I can think of only one friend (and really, this is more of an acquaintance) who is actually planning on only one. It's crazy to me.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SweetPotato*
> 
> I haven't checked this thread in ages, but just read your post today and couldn't not respond. *Even though I'm the ambivalent one in our family (dh is still 100% confident about only wanting one), I totally get the selfish sad feeling when friends with onlies get pg-- it's like they're opting out of our own special club or something. Not that we can't still be friends, etc., but just that feeling of having thought that you all shared some special understanding that set you apart a little bit from the rest of the world, and then.. oomph... nevermind- you're all on your own afterall. Just kind of disappointing and kind of like being left behind. At least that's how I've felt.*
> 
> *I also can say now that I was extremely jealous when two of my good friends got pg again, but now that their babies have been born, a lot of that feeling has disappeared.* I think that my history of mcs and the rough pg before having our dd (now 5.5yo) kind of makes me susceptible to focusing on pregnancy-- the happy, carefree, pg that I spent 2 years longing for and never really had-- more so than the realities of actually having another person needing me all the time. We're now looking ahead to kindy in the fall, and I'm pretty darned excited about all the possibilities. While I still worry about regretting not having another, I also feel fairly certain that I, my marriage, and our whole family, will likely be healthier if we let ourselves continue to grow as we are, without adding to the mix. In having dd, whom we both adore, we've also discovered that neither dh nor I is very good at balance. He's very career-focused and I'm very child focused (and with our very spirited dd, that has been largely to the exclusion of everything else in my life- not healthy, I know). I think we're finally approaching a good sort of equilibrium now, and I'm frankly afraid of putting more pressure on dh and of losing myself completely. Still wishing we could all be a bit more easy-going about it all, but that's just not who we are. I'm finding that I really enjoy spending time with other families whose kids are older (or whose youngest is dd's age), just so long as we're all "done". Maybe that makes me shallow or bad or something, but I just find it easier sometimes.


I can totally relate to these feelings! I'm almost a little (inwardly) disappointed when I hear my friends are getting pg with #2. A friend who had the same due date as mine recently had her 2nd, and I was most "sad" about that one. But at the same time I totally find myself getting baby fever. I loved being pregnant & birthing, and having been through it once I'd like to do it again for purely selfish reasons (like trying a home birth or changing the way we did things with DS in the early months... it's totally an urge to be able to "fix" what didn't work the first time around... which I know is totally irrational!!). But the thought of caring for & raising two children is not something I'm after.

Though I will say: One of the reasons we tried to get pg was because we both agreed that we'd likely regret not having a family later. I am SO happy we made that decision. So I feel I can't quite ignore that nagging voice that's telling me I might regret only having one... Ugh! I can seriously say this decision will be the hardest we've ever made!

Thanks for reading my rambles!


----------



## mom2ponygirl

I feel like the 'old' mom here. My only is 12.5, so I guess we're pretty committed now. LOL My main worry at this point is the teen years. We are very close but I know it can get a little stressful with moms and daughters. I really want to keep our relationship great while giving her room to find her independence. I'm trying to make sure I work on what my life will look like once she is off to college and transitioning to being on her own. It is exciting to think about options in life after the bulk of child rearing is done.

I have to say that I really enjoy the time we have together to do things. I never imagined having such a great time with a tween. I'm glad I have some one on one time with her. While I am a little sad about her growing up and moving on in a few years, I'm also excited to find out what path she choses and to develop an adult friendship with her someday. I know some moms and daughters do find a way to have a close adult relationship and I hope we do.


----------



## goldenwillow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mom2ponygirl*
> 
> I feel like the 'old' mom here. My only is 12.5, so I guess we're pretty committed now. LOL My main worry at this point is the teen years. We are very close but I know it can get a little stressful with moms and daughters. I really want to keep our relationship great while giving her room to find her independence. I'm trying to make sure I work on what my life will look like once she is off to college and transitioning to being on her own. It is exciting to think about options in life after the bulk of child rearing is done.
> 
> I have to say that I really enjoy the time we have together to do things. I never imagined having such a great time with a tween. I'm glad I have some one on one time with her. While I am a little sad about her growing up and moving on in a few years, I'm also excited to find out what path she choses and to develop an adult friendship with her someday. I know some moms and daughters do find a way to have a close adult relationship and I hope we do.


I am glad to hear of some perspective from a mama with a "tween".

Thank you!


----------



## livinlovinlaughin

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *t2009*
> 
> Glad to find this thread!!
> 
> DH & I are pretty sure DS is our one & only. He's more sure than I am (which I posted about a long time ago & got great support from some of the other moms of singles -- thanks!). But from an emotional & financial stand point it really makes sense for us to only have one child.
> 
> I've been not only getting pressure, though, but like direct "don't do it"s from people I know!! DH's step dad told me (as nicely as one can... he's a sweet guy) that it's the reason his own relationship with his daughter has been troubled. And then basically said we had to give DS a sibling!! My jaw just about dropped to the floor. I felt bad for his experience, but, man, not cool! And then a friend of mine (who's an only child) told me to not do it (though she couldn't say exactly why). It's just amazing how people have such strong opinions & feel so free to share them!! IRL I can think of only one friend (and really, this is more of an acquaintance) who is actually planning on only one. It's crazy to me.
> 
> I can totally relate to these feelings! I'm almost a little (inwardly) disappointed when I hear my friends are getting pg with #2. A friend who had the same due date as mine recently had her 2nd, and I was most "sad" about that one. But at the same time I totally find myself getting baby fever. I loved being pregnant & birthing, and having been through it once I'd like to do it again for purely selfish reasons (like trying a home birth or changing the way we did things with DS in the early months... it's totally an urge to be able to "fix" what didn't work the first time around... which I know is totally irrational!!). But the thought of caring for & raising two children is not something I'm after.
> 
> Though I will say: One of the reasons we tried to get pg was because we both agreed that we'd likely regret not having a family later. I am SO happy we made that decision. So I feel I can't quite ignore that nagging voice that's telling me I might regret only having one... Ugh! I can seriously say this decision will be the hardest we've ever made!
> 
> Thanks for reading my rambles!


I can totally relate to many of your feelings. I get baby fever. It tore me up when my sister got pregnant with her 4th and then even worse, she miscarried. (We are very close). I really enjoyed being pregnant and birthing. I would love to do it again. I do not want several children, I know I do not have the patience for them. Two would be nice though. What is holding me back is that I have been trying hard for almost 2 &1/2 yrs to lose the 40lbs I gained while pregnant. We are still nursing and my body will not cooperate and drop weight no matter what I do. I always thought this was an excuse when mom's said things like this but I was totally wrong. How can my body defy science. It is just calories in calories out right. Wrong, at least not while we are nursing! I know it would not be healthy for me physically and I could not handle gaining any more weight emotionally. This keeps me from even thinking about getting pregnant. It bothers me a lot sometimes that DS might be an only. I think about vacations and if he will feel alone when he is older esp once DH and I are no longer here with him. I see 2 kids playing and get all choked up inside. I do not think DS will ever have that. By the time I lose this weight and could consider another one, there would be quite an age gap. I don't know if I want that either. DS loves his cousins! The oldest boy and DS are about 7 yrs apart and are buddies. While crying to DH one night I told him I think if we do not have another one, I will ask my newphew to look out for DS when they are older esp once we are gone. DH looked at me funny.

I am glad to have found this thread. I hope reading through it might bring me some insight and comfort.


----------



## goldenwillow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *livinlovinlaughin*
> 
> I can totally relate to many of your feelings. I get baby fever. It tore me up when my sister got pregnant with her 4th and then even worse, she miscarried. (We are very close). I really enjoyed being pregnant and birthing. I would love to do it again. I do not want several children, I know I do not have the patience for them. Two would be nice though. What is holding me back is that I have been trying hard for almost 2 &1/2 yrs to lose the 40lbs I gained while pregnant. We are still nursing and my body will not cooperate and drop weight no matter what I do. I always thought this was an excuse when mom's said things like this but I was totally wrong. How can my body defy science. It is just calories in calories out right. Wrong, at least not while we are nursing! I know it would not be healthy for me physically and I could not handle gaining any more weight emotionally. This keeps me from even thinking about getting pregnant. It bothers me a lot sometimes that DS might be an only. I think about vacations and if he will feel alone when he is older esp once DH and I are no longer here with him. I see 2 kids playing and get all choked up inside. I do not think DS will ever have that. By the time I lose this weight and could consider another one, there would be quite an age gap. I don't know if I want that either. DS loves his cousins! The oldest boy and DS are about 7 yrs apart and are buddies. While crying to DH one night I told him I think if we do not have another one, I will ask my newphew to look out for DS when they are older esp once we are gone. DH looked at me funny.
> 
> I am glad to have found this thread. I hope reading through it might bring me some insight and comfort.


I just wanted to give you a little piece of mind.

I am an only child and never had cousins to hang with (distance/divorce separated). I have always been able to find my tribes and they have found me, without seeking. Growing up, most of my friends were from large families that "grandfathered" me in. I still to this day can walk into their folks' homes as if I was their own.

Not to worry mama. Your DS will have many that love him as you do.


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## rhianna813

I am 42 and have a 7 year old DS. I feel blessed to have him as I was not certain I could get pregnant. DH initially wanted 3 kids. But when you start with one at age 35 - that's a lot to ask of a woman LOL Especially when it took 1.5 years to get PG the first time.



I was really happy with one but I knew DH was on the fence about adding more. I didn't want to pressure him so I suggested we keep all the baby supplies. About 2 years later he was hands down happy with our single child and wanted to sell all the supplies. We have no regrets and are very happy with our family.

I do get comments and flack from others sometimes about only having one child. If I complain about him needing attention I reminded by coworkers that having 2 kids solves that problem. I was raised with a younger sister and we entertained ourselves a lot. But often it involved a lot of hair pulling and door slamming. Obviously there are pros and cons to both scenarios.

I do think it's rude for people to give others grief about having one kid. People never know the reason for it. For many it could be a fertility issue, not a choice.

In my circle of crunchy friends, having 1 child is very common. So we look to the community to form that extended family. BUT I think DH and I could be doing more. And I'd love to post on a thread like this to share ideas and parenting advice, raising single kids.

Rhianna


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## majikfaerie

rhianna, just save up all those times anyone ever tells you having more kids will solve the problem of needing more attention... then, when those people complain that their kids are fighting/ hard to maintain/ they can't afford to go on vacation because they have 3 kids/ etc, just smile sweetly and say "you wouldn't have that problem if you had only one child" 

:evillaugh:


----------



## livinlovinlaughin

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Xantho*
> 
> I just wanted to give you a little piece of mind.
> 
> I am an only child and never had cousins to hang with (distance/divorce separated). I have always been able to find my tribes and they have found me, without seeking. Growing up, most of my friends were from large families that "grandfathered" me in. I still to this day can walk into their folks' homes as if I was their own.
> 
> Not to worry mama. Your DS will have many that love him as you do.


Thank you. I do hope he makes friends easy. We hope to build the kind of home that DS will want to bring his friends to and they will all want to hang out at. Maybe the parents of more than one will welcome the peace and quiet.


----------



## SweetPotato

The waffler has returned to my house  I so wish that I could just move on from this whole decision, and can't help wondering if my obsession with the whole topic means that I'm just really not ready to be "done." I can't help but think that, with a husband who wanted more, I would most likely have another by now-- and so I wonder if I'll ever really feel settled or fulfilled-- or if I'll regret this choice. But I AM looking forward to the possibilities once dd starts kindy in the fall, and I DO enjoy peace and quiet and find myself stressed by noise, chaos, and conflict. And I also have VERY strong feelings about raising babes (with which my husband went along, but has since stated that he strongly disagrees)- and I don't know how much I could compromise, and I like the way our marriage is slowly but surely re-emerging from the adjustment of adding dd. And we live far from family, and I am kinda sick and tired of the "mom scene." And my pregnancy was horrible and the birth was frightening. But I'm also tired of this very small, quiet jealousy and bitterness that I try to hide even from myself. I hate wondering if everyone looks at us and thinks that my dh must not be happy with me as mother, or with our family. I hate wondering that myself sometimes, even though he swears it isn't true. I want to feel peace, and I just don't.

ETA: and now, when I think about it more, I wonder if it really is about the hypothetical child, or if I'm just feeling dissatisfied, etc. in general and looking to this "issue" as something to peg it on. The fact is, I haven't been one of those content sahms, and there's no real reason for me to think that another baby is going to "fix" my restlessness (especially when my brain knows that the opposite is actually more likely). The fact is that we're fairly happy, and getting happier as dd gets older. Perhaps I just need a good shrink. And a hug.


----------



## t2009

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SweetPotato*
> 
> The waffler has returned to my house  I so wish that I could just move on from this whole decision, and can't help wondering if my obsession with the whole topic means that I'm just really not ready to be "done." I can't help but think that, with a husband who wanted more, I would most likely have another by now-- and so I wonder if I'll ever really feel settled or fulfilled-- or if I'll regret this choice. But I AM looking forward to the possibilities once dd starts kindy in the fall, and I DO enjoy peace and quiet and find myself stressed by noise, chaos, and conflict. And I also have VERY strong feelings about raising babes (with which my husband went along, but has since stated that he strongly disagrees)- and I don't know how much I could compromise, and *I like the way our marriage is slowly but surely re-emerging from the adjustment of adding dd. And we live far from family, and I am kinda sick and tired of the "mom scene." * And my pregnancy was horrible and the birth was frightening. But I'm also tired of this very small, quiet jealousy and bitterness that I try to hide even from myself. I hate wondering if everyone looks at us and thinks that my dh must not be happy with me as mother, or with our family. I hate wondering that myself sometimes, even though he swears it isn't true. I want to feel peace, and I just don't.
> 
> ETA: and now, when I think about it more, I wonder if it really is about the hypothetical child, or if I'm just feeling dissatisfied, etc. in general and looking to this "issue" as something to peg it on. The fact is, I haven't been one of those content sahms, and there's no real reason for me to think that another baby is going to "fix" my restlessness (especially when my brain knows that the opposite is actually more likely). The fact is that we're fairly happy, and getting happier as dd gets older. Perhaps I just need a good shrink. And a hug.


Hugs, mama! I agree with what you already seem to know... having another babe isn't going to fix the feelings of restlessness that you feel. (And if you need a shrink to help you come to peace with that... by all means you should!)

Plus, I'm totally with you on the bolded above. My DH & I really feel that we are just starting to get to know each other again (DS is still a bit young for us to feel completely able re-focus on our marriage, but we're starting). But I'm also a waffler.

Which brings me to another question: Has anyone made to choice to limit their family to one child based on environmental concerns? The thought is there in the back of my mind, though I don't really think I'd personally make the decision on that alone. But (I know this will offend parents of many... sorry, this is just my opinion...) I sometimes feel it's irresponsible (environmentally) to cultivate a large family in a day & age when it's fairly easy prevent pregnancy. Am I (or Al Gore) going to convince people to have small families for this reason? NO! I think the biological urge to reproduce is quite strong & difficult to fight. But, I don't know, I kinda think for me it's a reason to limit my family size. (Plus, after bringing DS into the world & really thinking about that fact, I don't know that I want to bring more people into THIS world right now... but that's another story...) Is this all crazy?


----------



## mckennasmomma

SweetPotato, I just went through a big "waffle" myself. It was after spending some time with an incredibly lovely family with 3 children, who truly made up their own little tribe. They played amazingly well together, creating and performing and being together. I have felt so solid in our decision, then had to really think my way through those feelings, as well as meditate and feel my way through them. One of the (many) reasons we are having just one is like t2009 mentioned: environmental concerns. But that is just one reason on my list, and I use it as a reminder when I do have those waffling moments. My most compelling reasons are: wanting to give my daughter a happy mom and dad, wanting to give her the best of me, not a stretched-thin me. Wanting to feel the freedom of doing whatever we want, without the added stress of another child. Believing that another child would more likely take away from our happiness rather than add to it (for us of course, this is certainly not the case for every family). Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to respond, but I just wanted to add in here that I think "waffling" is actually a positive thing: it means you/me/anyone is truly thinking about things, not just blindly making decisions, not just making decisions because it is what everyone else is doing or not doing.


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## LauraLG3

I totally know where you are coming from t2009! On my pro/con lists, environmental issues always way heavy. I am an American living in Australia, about to return home. I think America is a very hectic place and there are many fears there when it comes to children - it's not the kind of place you let your kid play in the front yard alone (or is that just fear-mongering from the media.) I waited a long time (38) to have a child because of all the fears and stresses surrounding children. I didn't decide to have a child until I left the states and saw that maybe the whole world really wasn't that bad.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *t2009*
> 
> Hugs, mama! I agree with what you already seem to know... having another babe isn't going to fix the feelings of restlessness that you feel. (And if you need a shrink to help you come to peace with that... by all means you should!)
> 
> Plus, I'm totally with you on the bolded above. My DH & I really feel that we are just starting to get to know each other again (DS is still a bit young for us to feel completely able re-focus on our marriage, but we're starting). But I'm also a waffler.
> 
> Which brings me to another question: Has anyone made to choice to limit their family to one child based on environmental concerns? The thought is there in the back of my mind, though I don't really think I'd personally make the decision on that alone. But (I know this will offend parents of many... sorry, this is just my opinion...) I sometimes feel it's irresponsible (environmentally) to cultivate a large family in a day & age when it's fairly easy prevent pregnancy. Am I (or Al Gore) going to convince people to have small families for this reason? NO! I think the biological urge to reproduce is quite strong & difficult to fight. But, I don't know, I kinda think for me it's a reason to limit my family size. (Plus, after bringing DS into the world & really thinking about that fact, I don't know that I want to bring more people into THIS world right now... but that's another story...) Is this all crazy?


----------



## iris777888

I really like the reminder that constant re-evaluation is a good thing.







I apply that approach to many other aspects of my life, but never gave it a thought in regard to this choice.

I'm like 99% sure that we only want one, but occasionally the doubting thoughts creep in. I find myself picking names I'd like to use if we ever had a girl for instance and get a twinge of sadness knowing I'll never get to use it. I wonder about how my son would react to a sibling. Sometimes I think, if it happened on accident I wouldn't be that upset, and wish we didn't have to make the decision. I never seriously consider it, but I do ponder it often.

But I also have experiences that re-enforce the decision to stick with one kid, daily wake up calls that make me remember why we chose this way. And when I consciously think about it, I quickly return to all the reasons we're not having more. For us, environment was one thing but not a deciding factor by any means.


----------



## rhianna813

So before DS my cat was my "baby" then when the 4 legged baby was born, poor kitty got neglected. Well... now that DS is 7 and getting a bit passed hearing my gaga googoo over him, my cat Neo has become my baby once again. Oh how he loves it! I rock him in my arms and sweet moopy talk him and say he's my booboobaby. DH just rolls his eyes.

But ya know what, when you're too chicken to have a second child a pet can do wonders 

Rhianna


----------



## Snapdragon

I kind of feel sometimes that if I had started younger I might want a second. I am 38 and ds is one. I want to fully mother him in all his baby-ness, and absoultely want to just have one for now. but once he is in school, say around age 4 or something- I could totally see wanting a second perhaps. But then I will be 41- so I feel like that may be on the late side. I know it is still okay age to have a baby but it seems on the high end of what I am comfortable with! so I guess I feel mixed feelings about it sometimes. Because that thought is only a maybe- only on days like today when ds was so sweet and cute and happy. Then I am like- oh , this is amazing. I should really have another! But on more challenging days I am like- one is plenty!


----------



## goldenwillow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Snapdragon* Because that thought is only a maybe- only on days like today when ds was so sweet and cute and happy. Then I am like- oh , this is amazing. I should really have another! But on more challenging days I am like- one is plenty!












I always had the thought I wanted to adopt before having DS and feel that if I did get the yearning for another, that is what I would do. Possibly foster.


----------



## puffingirl

It's funny, but I am most open to the idea of a 2nd on Mondays--everyone is back into the groove after the weekend, DD is at school for a few hours and I have the morning to myself and everyone is in a well-rested, good mood. By Thursday I can barely handle the one I've got, never mind another!


----------



## Erin77

I am 99% sure that we are a one-child family. My son is only 7 months, but having a newborn tore me up emotionally- it has gotten so much better as he gets older, I can never see opening myself up to that again. The environmental concerns also weigh heavily on me, as well as how I've always wanted us to spend more time traveling. I don't see us doing as much traveling/cultural things with more kids, not to mention that we can all feel more financially secure if there's fewer of us. My husband would love us to have a second but I'm not seeing it happening AT ALL.

I myself am one of two, and while I love my brother, he's 7 years younger and we were raised very separately, I don't see being an only child as being an abnormal way to grow up.


----------



## mtbmomma

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *t2009*
> 
> Hugs, mama! I agree with what you already seem to know... having another babe isn't going to fix the feelings of restlessness that you feel. (And if you need a shrink to help you come to peace with that... by all means you should!)
> 
> Plus, I'm totally with you on the bolded above. My DH & I really feel that we are just starting to get to know each other again (DS is still a bit young for us to feel completely able re-focus on our marriage, but we're starting). But I'm also a waffler.
> 
> Which brings me to another question: Has anyone made to choice to limit their family to one child based on environmental concerns? The thought is there in the back of my mind, though I don't really think I'd personally make the decision on that alone. But (I know this will offend parents of many... sorry, this is just my opinion...) I sometimes feel it's irresponsible (environmentally) to cultivate a large family in a day & age when it's fairly easy prevent pregnancy. Am I (or Al Gore) going to convince people to have small families for this reason? NO! I think the biological urge to reproduce is quite strong & difficult to fight. But, I don't know, I kinda think for me it's a reason to limit my family size. (Plus, after bringing DS into the world & really thinking about that fact, I don't know that I want to bring more people into THIS world right now... but that's another story...) Is this all crazy?


I agree with you on this last part. DH was the one who convinced me to have only one child, as I wasn't really sure of the number I wanted, and this is one of his top reasons. He is studying resource management in grad school, so it was a logical concern. I really think it is a personal responsibility to do our part to conserve our natural resources, and I think controlling the population individually is part of that.


----------



## Snapdragon

It sounds to me like you are just unsure about it. Maybe you just ant one child but maybe you do want another one. It is okay to not know yet! I don't know yet myself. I think it is sort of exciting to not know yet! But did you say your dh doesn't want another? Or is he open to it? Because if he doesn't, then do you want another but feel you have to stifle that feeling?As for the restlessness, I know that feeling! I don't know what having another is like. Maybe the restless ness IS a longing for a second- I would say maybe you can just keep your possibilities open!


----------



## Snapdragon

ANother thing on this topinc: I am curious to hear from moms of onlies whose kids are "older' such as 12 or older. At this stage, how does it feel to have an only? It is so different to be so busy with a little one- but I wonder how having an only is as they are older. In that situation, I can see myself possibly wanting another.


----------



## mistymama

Snapdragon, my child is 8.

As you can see from my signature, we had another child but he passed away at 10 weeks old. We don't know if we will have more - genetics was unclear and we have to be willing to take a risk.

I will be honest - it's kinda boring at this age to have an only. Sure, we have his activities, but I can handle more. He used to be my main focus, and he does not need that attention anymore.

Yes, it's nice in ways. We can leave him for the weekend with my parents, no worries. We sleep in on weekends if we want to and he takes care of not only himself, but the dog if I ask. There are many positives.

But I am ready for more, for another little to cloth diaper, nurse and watch 24/7. I'm sure not everyone feels that way .. but as my "baby" grows into a young man, it makes me that much more ready for another one.

Of course, at this point, I have no clue if that will ever happen. Some days that is very hard.


----------



## NYCVeg

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Snapdragon*
> 
> ANother thing on this topinc: I am curious to hear from moms of onlies whose kids are "older' such as 12 or older. At this stage, how does it feel to have an only? It is so different to be so busy with a little one- but I wonder how having an only is as they are older. In that situation, I can see myself wanting another. oh jeez I am in that stage of my cycle where by body is wanting another baby- so I speak from that place. I had a decent pregnancy but a scary birth experience- so that is a factor too. Like, do I want to go through that again? Anyway.


Actually, one of the reasons we're so committed to having an only is because of what we saw when watching friends with older onlies. Obviously, family dynamics differ, but we've been so impressed with how these friends are to their older children--it seems like a family unit of three rather than a parents vs. kids situation. One family we know does tons of traveling, which is something that we'd like to do and would be much less able to afford if we had multiple kids. Having singletons is not so unusual in my social circles (in dd's pre-K class, 5 kids are onlies, and dh and I each have several colleagues with only one child), so I hear a lot about how great it is!

Perhaps we're unusual, but we've never had a moment of doubt about not having another. I do like thinking about baby names, but getting the opportunity to name something hardly seems like a reason to have another child--maybe a goldfish! :lol


----------



## mom2ponygirl

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Snapdragon*
> 
> ANother thing on this topinc: I am curious to hear from moms of onlies whose kids are "older' such as 12 or older. At this stage, how does it feel to have an only?


Our only is 12.5 and we enjoy her very much. She is a great travel companion. They do keep you busy since at this age they have lots of activities and stuff they want to do with friends, but limited capability of transporting themselves!

My only regret for an only has been the comfort siblings can bring as you lose a parent. My mom is dying and I do like having my siblings to talk to, along with my spouse. Friends only want to hear so much, you know? I hope our daughter finds a great mate for when she hits this stage of life.


----------



## Pepe

Hello! It's interesting to me that many of the posts I have perused so far (though no, I have not read all 1500+!) seem to be about whether or not to have another kiddo. I have had thoughts and feelings about this myself, of course, but at the moment, I'm here to comment on how it can irk me when people make assumptions about only children. I should be used to it as I am also an only child (and fairly happy that way), but I do tire of often explaining patiently that no, not all onlies have zillions of toys. No, not all onlies are socially inept. No, not all onlies are loners. No, not all onlies have trouble sharing.

I also grow tired of parents who have more children giving me the "you don't know how it is" vibe. I definitely don't know how it is to have more kids, or to have a daughter (since I have a boy), or to navigate the sibling issues--I would never claim to know how it is.

I also have trouble with the "Why aren't you going to have more kids?" query from people I don't know very well (I can handle it from people I know intimately). DS is an only because I am too old to have another, we are too poor to have another, and we had two losses, one before and one after DS. Yes, I like babies and kids. Mothering DS is the most important thing I have ever done. Am I alone in thinking that the why-no-more question is a very personal question?

Thanks for reading this vent! Comments are welcome--as long as they are not only-child stereotyping!


----------



## LauraLG3

Thanks for your comments Pepe. If only there was a very clever way to tell people to mind their own business. My sister-in-law likes to say "it's my puzzle to solve" when confronted with her parenting choices - perhaps I'll try that one.

My issue at the moment is a big move. My son is only 16 months, but very social and getting lonely for playmates while we live in an apt waiting for our new house to be available. What is the fastest way to meet other little ones? I havn't been able to find any playgroups.


----------



## vydalea

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LauraLG3*
> 
> Thanks for your comments Pepe. If only there was a very clever way to tell people to mind their own business. My sister-in-law likes to say "it's my puzzle to solve" when confronted with her parenting choices - perhaps I'll try that one.
> 
> My issue at the moment is a big move. My son is only 16 months, but very social and getting lonely for playmates while we live in an apt waiting for our new house to be available. What is the fastest way to meet other little ones? I havn't been able to find any playgroups.


I LOVE your SIL's response. I am totally stealing that...and using it on MANY fronts! ha! 

I've met some interesting mamas with babies Z's age through a swimming class we took and by going to lap sit reading times at the library.

This past weekend was her first birthday. I enjoyed her first year but am so excited to move forward and not have to do it again.


----------



## nbird83

I am in complete and total agreeance about this being a personal topic. Alot of times I wish people would just find something else to discuss instead mine and DH's personal life choices that we are perfectly capable of making on our own, without the unwanted and sometimes negative input of others who have no business in the first place, most especially when some of them do not even have children, sticking their noses where they do not belong. It is a touchy subject for me as well, I too am an only. I had a few issues growing up, but it is all in how your parents decide to parent you in my opinion.

Sincerely,

J


----------



## vydalea

J, doesn't everyone have a few issues growing up? I think it happens whether you have 0 siblings or 10.


----------



## marie113

Hello Everyone,

I'm new and would like to join this group. Our son is 7 months old, and after saying we didnt want kids, we decided.. we want one. I totally get the oh you will change your mind all the time. While I do miss him being a little bity baby, I do not want to deal with sibling issues.. money issues.. ect..


----------



## carfreemama

Welcome, marie113. I think it's great going into parenthood knowing or feeling you want to have an only. We certainly did. I remember early on, we would give away our beautiful baby things when dd outgrew them. A friend commented on this and asked if we were "done." She said it had never occurred to her that her dd wouldn't have siblings. It never occurred to me that mine would! Never crossed my mind to save things for another child. There wouldn't be one! We have loved parenting our only girlie.

Having said that...

I have just passed the 1-year anniversary of my miscarriage and subsequent diagnosis of a large ovarian cyst. I am now 43 years old. We were absolutely parents of an only by choice, until last year when I was 42, we decided to try again. I got pregnant within 2 months and then miscarried at barely 7 weeks. Then was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst and told not to try again until it resolved or was removed. I still have it. It made our final decision for us. I think it has helped me (and even dh) immensely that we are now "back to baseline." Our ideal family size was 3 (dh, me and dc); we just had a late change of heart. It made me appreciate her so much more. But there are conflicting feelings to say the least and I have felt this loss so strongly over the past week or so. So very strongly. I LOVE children--everyones' children--and I love, love, love being a mom. I love the birthday parties, the artwork, the crazy energy, the school meetings...everything. I am in love with my daughter and am amazed at the joy she has brought us. I wish I had a houseful of children. And yet, being a family of 3 is perfect for us. We are car-free by choice, don't want high-powered jobs and therefore the income that goes with them and enjoy being able to spend so much time with dd. And she loves being an only. On one hand, I look at my good friend who has a 6-month-old and think, "that should be me." OTOH, I look at my 7-year-old and think "I can go back to school soon."

Holy crap, what a mixed bag!!!!


----------



## NYCVeg

Hey, mamas. I just need to post because I am SEETHING with anger.

We were at a "preschool graduation" party for my dd's class at school. Dd woke up insanely early this morning (a quarter to five--she normally sleeps until 6:30/7), so by the late afternoon, she was completely exhausted and edgy. All of the kids were pretty overwrought, in fact--the hype of graduation, lots of sugar, end of the day, etc. The party was in someone's backyard--tons of kids, very small space, not a ton of play equipment. Naturally, there were a bunch of scuffles over toys and space. Dd was having a little scuffle with another kid over a swing; the other kid was pushing her and she was angry about it, and she came over and said something to us. We told her to pick another toy, and she went back to playing.

Another mother next to me said, "Oh, that's such an only child thing. You really need to have another. That will fix dd right up."

WTF?!? First of all, my dd does not need "fixing." She's actually one of the best behaved kids I know, and I hardly think a little indignation and whining in that situation was anything other than age-appropriate. Second, how is it "an only child" thing when ALL the kids were over-stimulated and fighting. Some of the boys were hitting each other and wrestling over toys...is that "sibling behavior"? And finally, how in God's name would adding another child to the mix make that particular situation BETTER?!?

Whew. Thanks for letting me get that out. Normally that stuff just rolls off my back, but for some reason this comment really infuriated me.


----------



## puffingirl

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *NYCVeg*
> 
> Hey, mamas. I just need to post because I am SEETHING with anger.
> 
> We were at a "preschool graduation" party for my dd's class at school. Dd woke up insanely early this morning (a quarter to five--she normally sleeps until 6:30/7), so by the late afternoon, she was completely exhausted and edgy. All of the kids were pretty overwrought, in fact--the hype of graduation, lots of sugar, end of the day, etc. The party was in someone's backyard--tons of kids, very small space, not a ton of play equipment. Naturally, there were a bunch of scuffles over toys and space. Dd was having a little scuffle with another kid over a swing; the other kid was pushing her and she was angry about it, and she came over and said something to us. We told her to pick another toy, and she went back to playing.
> 
> Another mother next to me said, "Oh, that's such an only child thing. You really need to have another. That will fix dd right up."
> 
> WTF?!? First of all, my dd does not need "fixing." She's actually one of the best behaved kids I know, and I hardly think a little indignation and whining in that situation was anything other than age-appropriate. Second, how is it "an only child" thing when ALL the kids were over-stimulated and fighting. Some of the boys were hitting each other and wrestling over toys...is that "sibling behavior"? And finally, how in God's name would adding another child to the mix make that particular situation BETTER?!?
> 
> Whew. Thanks for letting me get that out. Normally that stuff just rolls off my back, but for some reason this comment really infuriated me


So sorry you had to deal with this ignorant comment. I've gotten those kinds of statements before and they made me mad too. (HUGS) At least you know it's a crazy statement and has nothing to do with your DD and plenty to do with the mindset of the person that made the comment. Hope you were able to blow it off after venting and enjoy the rest of your day.

DH and I just finished spending a zillion and a half (it feels like) dollars on some couples therapy sessions to deal with our differences in family size preferences. While I would have perhaps enjoyed a short cruise with that money instead, I think it was worth it.


----------



## onlyzombiecat

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *NYCVeg*
> 
> Hey, mamas. I just need to post because I am SEETHING with anger.
> 
> We were at a "preschool graduation" party for my dd's class at school. Dd woke up insanely early this morning (a quarter to five--she normally sleeps until 6:30/7), so by the late afternoon, she was completely exhausted and edgy. All of the kids were pretty overwrought, in fact--the hype of graduation, lots of sugar, end of the day, etc. The party was in someone's backyard--tons of kids, very small space, not a ton of play equipment. Naturally, there were a bunch of scuffles over toys and space. Dd was having a little scuffle with another kid over a swing; the other kid was pushing her and she was angry about it, and she came over and said something to us. We told her to pick another toy, and she went back to playing.
> 
> Another mother next to me said, "Oh, that's such an only child thing. You really need to have another. That will fix dd right up."
> 
> WTF?!? First of all, my dd does not need "fixing." She's actually one of the best behaved kids I know, and I hardly think a little indignation and whining in that situation was anything other than age-appropriate. Second, how is it "an only child" thing when ALL the kids were over-stimulated and fighting. Some of the boys were hitting each other and wrestling over toys...is that "sibling behavior"? And finally, how in God's name would adding another child to the mix make that particular situation BETTER?!?
> 
> Whew. Thanks for letting me get that out. Normally that stuff just rolls off my back, but for some reason this comment really infuriated me.


That would annoy me too. Some people always look for an excuse to blame normal behavior on lack of siblings.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Snapdragon*
> 
> ANother thing on this topinc: I am curious to hear from moms of onlies whose kids are "older' such as 12 or older. At this stage, how does it feel to have an only? It is so different to be so busy with a little one- but I wonder how having an only is as they are older. In that situation, I can see myself possibly wanting another.


My dd is 11. Every stage brings its own challenges and joys. I don't want more kids. I am happy to be done with baby stuff. Dd entertains herself pretty well so I have more free time. I'm starting to think of what I can do for myself and what I want to do in 7 years. I'm looking forward to more couple time with dh.

Talk to me when dd moves out on her own and maybe I'll want more kids or maybe I'll just get a puppy.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mom2ponygirl*
> My only regret for an only has been the comfort siblings can bring as you lose a parent. My mom is dying and I do like having my siblings to talk to, along with my spouse. Friends only want to hear so much, you know? I hope our daughter finds a great mate for when she hits this stage of life.


I'm sorry about your mom.

My mom died suddenly in January. I haven't really heard from my siblings since the funeral. We never talked much during the process either about their feelings. Dh was my awesome support person. You really can't chat with most people about it for as long as you need to process it. Six months later I'm still working through my grief. It is better than month 1 and I hate that it is getting better. Dh understands this weirdness.

I hope dd will have a good relationship with dh as well as me in addition to having a spouse or close friends.

I am struggling a bit with my new relationship with my father. I was very close to my mother and my dad was sort of hands off. He is hard to communicate with.


----------



## majikfaerie

I actually had someone recently tell me the "if you don't have more kids how can you guarantee someone will look after you when you're older?" line this week. gargh!


----------



## LauraLG3

There is no guarantee that your kid(s) will look after you, no matter how many you have. Particularly if you are the type of parent that had more than one so that they could entertain/fix/discipline each other. My MIL did this, and now has a relationship with only one of them (out of 4). She expected them to take care of each other, and never had much of a meaningful relationship with them.

I think it's vital to know what your limitations are as a parent. I could not handle more than one, and would feel guilty being stretched so thin that I couldn't be as attentive as I would like.


----------



## vydalea

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat*
> 
> I am struggling a bit with my new relationship with my father. I was very close to my mother and my dad was sort of hands off. He is hard to communicate with.


I just want to send you great big hugs.







I'm so happy to hear that you have a great partner who understands your way of processing your grief. If everyone could be so lucky this world would be such a different place.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *NYCVeg*
> 
> Hey, mamas. I just need to post because I am SEETHING with anger.
> 
> We were at a "preschool graduation" party for my dd's class at school. Dd woke up insanely early this morning (a quarter to five--she normally sleeps until 6:30/7), so by the late afternoon, she was completely exhausted and edgy. All of the kids were pretty overwrought, in fact--the hype of graduation, lots of sugar, end of the day, etc. The party was in someone's backyard--tons of kids, very small space, not a ton of play equipment. Naturally, there were a bunch of scuffles over toys and space. Dd was having a little scuffle with another kid over a swing; the other kid was pushing her and she was angry about it, and she came over and said something to us. We told her to pick another toy, and she went back to playing.
> 
> Another mother next to me said, "Oh, that's such an only child thing. You really need to have another. That will fix dd right up."


Ick. I really feel that it is so unfair that another mama would judge your choices and push her standards of life on you. Since when did other parents become experts on your life and more so, your kid? grr!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LauraLG3*
> 
> I think it's vital to know what your limitations are as a parent. I could not handle more than one, and would feel guilty being stretched so thin that I couldn't be as attentive as I would like.


I love this statement. It is very very very true and I feel the exact same way. I know my limitations and I know what I want!

My step-mother was giving me the once over about DD having a sister today "you and your sister are so close, how could you not want that for Z?" is a common theme I hear. As I said today, my sister and I are so close because it was a freaking survival tactic as a kid! A united front against the tyranny of my mother's wicked ways... I don't want THAT for Z. what the crap?!


----------



## t2009

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *carfreemama*
> 
> Welcome, marie113. I think it's great going into parenthood knowing or feeling you want to have an only. We certainly did. I remember early on, we would give away our beautiful baby things when dd outgrew them. A friend commented on this and asked if we were "done." She said it had never occurred to her that her dd wouldn't have siblings. It never occurred to me that mine would! Never crossed my mind to save things for another child. There wouldn't be one! We have loved parenting our only girlie.
> 
> Having said that...
> 
> I have just passed the 1-year anniversary of my miscarriage and subsequent diagnosis of a large ovarian cyst. I am now 43 years old. We were absolutely parents of an only by choice, until last year when I was 42, we decided to try again. I got pregnant within 2 months and then miscarried at barely 7 weeks. Then was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst and told not to try again until it resolved or was removed. I still have it. It made our final decision for us. I think it has helped me (and even dh) immensely that we are now "back to baseline." Our ideal family size was 3 (dh, me and dc); we just had a late change of heart. It made me appreciate her so much more. But there are conflicting feelings to say the least and I have felt this loss so strongly over the past week or so. So very strongly. I LOVE children--everyones' children--and I love, love, love being a mom. I love the birthday parties, the artwork, the crazy energy, the school meetings...everything. I am in love with my daughter and am amazed at the joy she has brought us. I wish I had a houseful of children. And yet, being a family of 3 is perfect for us. We are car-free by choice, don't want high-powered jobs and therefore the income that goes with them and enjoy being able to spend so much time with dd. And she loves being an only. On one hand, I look at my good friend who has a 6-month-old and think, "that should be me." OTOH, I look at my 7-year-old and think "I can go back to school soon."
> 
> Holy crap, what a mixed bag!!!!


Sorry, mama, for your loss.

I can totally see changing my mind later in the game (so to speak), which is why I have such a hard time with "finalizing" our decision to have an only. We are very happy right now, but since we both have siblings (& relatively healthy relationships with them) it's really hard to imagine life raising just one. More than one just seems "normal" since it's what we grew up in & what is culturally the norm.

Also, you never know the reasons for a small family size -- as in your case carfreemama -- which is why it's such a personal thing. Everyone seems to assume that everything is a choice, when it's not always the case. I think it's so presumptuous for people to ask the question "aren't you having another." I know often people ask it without thinking & without intending hurt, but still -- people SHOULD think before they ask thoughtless questions!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LauraLG3*
> 
> There is no guarantee that your kid(s) will look after you, no matter how many you have. Particularly if you are the type of parent that had more than one so that they could entertain/fix/discipline each other. My MIL did this, and now has a relationship with only one of them (out of 4). She expected them to take care of each other, and never had much of a meaningful relationship with them.
> 
> I think it's vital to know what your limitations are as a parent. I could not handle more than one, and would feel guilty being stretched so thin that I couldn't be as attentive as I would like.


I love this idea -- to know your limits as a parent. That's great!


----------



## jackandmom

I would love to have more babies. As an only myself, I was fascinated by the sibling relationship. My DH has a brother and their relationship is enviable by most. I certainly know enough friends who do not have the same kind of relationship with their siblings, but I still think that it's amazing. Having someone else who looks like you, someone who will help you plan events around your parents lives (bithday's, anniversaries, mother and father's days, retirement parties... etc) as an only, it's me, or it's not happening.

We went through IVF to have our son and if we could afford to go through it a second time, I would do it in a heartbeat!

my DS is one year old and I miss having a little baby. I treasure every second I spend with my little man and am elated and saddened when each milestone is achieved. Knowing that there will never be another one.


----------



## vydalea

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *jackandmom*
> 
> I would love to have more babies. As an only myself, I was fascinated by the sibling relationship. My DH has a brother and their relationship is enviable by most. I certainly know enough friends who do not have the same kind of relationship with their siblings, but I still think that it's amazing. Having someone else who looks like you, someone who will help you plan events around your parents lives (bithday's, anniversaries, mother and father's days, retirement parties... etc) as an only, it's me, or it's not happening.
> 
> We went through IVF to have our son and if we could afford to go through it a second time, I would do it in a heartbeat!
> 
> my DS is one year old and I miss having a little baby. I treasure every second I spend with my little man and am elated and saddened when each milestone is achieved. Knowing that there will never be another one.


Have you considered adoption?? That's probably a dumb question but you really sound like you want another baby and that child would be very lucky to have you!!!









My dad has 2 siblings and he still is the only one to plan events for his parents lives as the other two don't have the $ or care to do so. Plus, my biological sister looks NOTHING like me. So, again, having a sibling is a guarantee of nothing - even looks! haha! Seriously, though, people want to know all the time if we have the same parents... YUP the exact same 2.


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## Dacks

Oh wow I just started reading this thread and realized it has been going for 4 years and 80 pages!! Some novels are shorter, haha! I would like to have an only child one day. My best friend is an only and she turned out pretty awesome and would also only want to have one herself, so that is a big vote in favor for me. I was the oldest of 4, and I know exactly how impossible it was for my Mom to give us all we needed.


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## cat13

Hello! I just came across this tribe and decided that I'd love to participate. I'm due with my first in August and DH & I are about 90% sure we only want the one. Who knows, I could totally change my mind later, but for now it just feels right.

It's great to hear from all you mamas with onlies, whether it was by choice or circumstance. Thanks for sharing.


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## goldenwillow

Bump!


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## Brandybutter

Hi Friends, I would love to join this tribe too!

My husband keeps saying we're "one and done", which was our original compromise (he's 11 years older than me.) However, now that my adorable DS is 17 mo and most things (except all night nursing) are still manageable, I'm beginning to wonder what it would be like for us to have more.

I look forward to reading these 80 pages (!) of posts to help us along with this very difficult decision.

Hope you all are well...


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## rookiemtnmama

I'd love to join too for anyone else who is newly interested. I am due in Sept with our first child and we already have people asking us if we'll have another!?! How about if we just have this one first! My response is always, "we'll start with this one and see how it goes". We've been together for 14 years and I was never sure that we would have any kids. I'm the oldest of 4 and have always thought I wanted children but my DH said he didn't want any. Things changed after our beloved (almost 15 yo) fur-baby passed away at the end of last year and just the 2 of us were left. We decided to not be so "careful" and now here we are. We are both happy about expecting our first, but not sure about having another. Since we both come from larger families, I know the pressure will be on after this one arrives. Anyway, looking forward to talking with you all and getting this thread going again


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## vydalea

Welcome, ladies. I'm 15 months in and am stupendously happy with my only. we'll see if it sticks but I can't imagine it won't.


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## t2009

Welcome!

I am happy to say that we are moving & I have managed to let go of a lot of baby stuff. It was just sort of hanging around in the basement because of this unspoken assumption that we were not done having kids, even though we had both expressed a desire to only have one. It's funny how the assumption of more than one is hard to shake!

Also, I confronted one of my friends who told me once that she would never have just one child. I asked her why she had said that & you know what -- she said that she wanted to recant (she's an only so I took her statement to heart). She had really thought about it since our first conversation & thought there was no sure thing -- that having a sibling wouldn't necessarily "fix" the things that were hard about being an only child & that actually it could have easily made growing up more complicated.

So, all in all, I'm feeling good these days about our choice to have just one!


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## PiperLime

My DS is only 7 months but I'm done! One is great and I love that he'll always have all my attention : ) I get pressure too, "Oh, you'll want another one." I just bite my tongue or say, "Maybe, maybe not."

Glad to meet other "only-child mamas"


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## ryry

I understand about the want for a small baby in arms but then have to relize that your family is just right at least some how. I have a 5yr DH my husband and I always wanted a few but not with my health it turns out  so after so many years of yrs teaching school and high risk infants(heath effected) I have no mor little ones in my arms either but one kid who is heading off to all day school in a few weeks. I keep thinking do I risk my and infants heath to try for another child as she would be a wonderful big sibling or just give up on it and stick with what we know for the last 6yrs- its too much of risk. Its hard to be of two minds two hearts but I muddle thru. so far. not alone. I have many ?s about only one/ Iam scared what the hard parts for are going to be,what have I not thought about or will she resent us for, not having a bigger family like a friend I knew was like toward her parents(they could have had more), or what else would I miss ---I Love the plan of being able to give more to her -hopfuly not too much.

I think a singilton takes more finess than lots of kids in the group-remember I have run classrooms and other in home experiance.

sorry if I went off on another way said too much or somthing but just found this thread ,ment alot . the post hit a spot that Iam not alone in feelings.thanks


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## mayaandx

Hi, Is this the only forum for parents of only children? I wish they would have a separate thing for it so you could post with different topics.

It sounds like everyone here on this thread is very happy to be the parent of an only, which is great, and I've loved reading the different perspectives.

I, however, feel a huge amount of guilt and sorrow about the situation. We have only 4 relatives in this country almost 200 miles away, we go to school about half an hour from where we live (excellent school) and so don't know many people around where we live. We just moved to this area when my son was two and started right away at his school, so my husband and I don't have close friendships around here, either. I feel my son (almost 7) needs more connections and attachments close by. We've tried extracurricular activities in the area where we live, but find that other kids are really overscheduled, parents work and can't have playdates, kids in classes have already bonded with playmates from school and don't include my son, etc.

Moving closer to the school, where we do know some people, is out of the question. I am 43 and for various reasons it seems another child is not in the cards. Also, his father and I might be separating in the future, and I just really worry about my son being isolated and lost.

I guess I wanted to connect with others who are in the same situation and feeling guilt and sadness about having an only child; who are worrying that their child won't have enough attachment and contact, especially after separation. If I had an extended family with lots of relatives, or lived on a street where kids play outside, or we (the parents) have been in the community a long time and knew people, I might feel differently, but that is not our situation.

It is good to think about the benefits of being an only, too, which I will promptly do! But there is so much about our situation that frustrates and saddens and worries me.

Thanks for any responses.


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## 4evermom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mayaandx*
> 
> I guess I wanted to connect with others who are in the same situation and feeling guilt and sadness about having an only child; who are worrying that their child won't have enough attachment and contact, especially after separation. If I had an extended family with lots of relatives, or lived on a street where kids play outside, or we (the parents) have been in the community a long time and knew people, I might feel differently, but that is not our situation.


IKWYM. My only wasn't planned to be one. I do get sad seeing pictures of kids with their siblings and I do find that bigger families don't want to get together because they have a full plate whereas we are knocking around starving for interaction. Similarly, we don't live in a neighborhood with kids playing outside. We homeschool and it's always been a struggle finding people to get together with. Fortunately, some of ds's cousins are only a couple hours drive away so we see them a few times a year. Since it can't be helped, I just keep plugging away at finding social situations.

I don't really worry about ds in the long run. He's good at attachment, given the opportunity. But he'd be happier with some real friends and more frequent kid contact rather than playing multiplayer online games.


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## iris777888

Would others be OK with making this tribe into a social group? http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1327212/social-groups-are-here Would make things a lot easier to follow since we could then have separate threads for various discussions.


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## cat13

I would love to have this be a social group.

AFM: DH and I are about 90% sure that DS is going to be an only, but not ready to make it final since DS is still so young. I'd love to connect with other parents of onlies more often.


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## carfreemama

I think it's a fine idea. Just had my tubes removed, so it's official; DD will be an only permanently. She just turned 8!


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## iris777888

It looks like we'll have to submit a group name (Moms of Onlies or Mom of an Only Child perhaps?) and designate at least two people to be co-leaders. I'm OK with being one of them if needed. There's not much responsibility if we have an open group, other than making sure posts are not inappropriate.

We also need to specify if we want an open or closed group. Either way the posts are visible to everyone (including search engines). It looks like closed makes people request membership and be approved by a leader in order to post, where open membership anyone can request membership and then post. Personally, I don't see any real reason for it to be closed.


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## CI Mama

I would join an open group for parents of an only. Sounds like a great idea!


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## iris777888

Great! So I just need someone to volunteer to be a co-leader so I can put in the request. Little obligation other than making sure posts aren't inappropriate.


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## CatsCradle

Social group sounds like a great idea. I often don't see this thread because if I don't comment for a while, it is buried deep down out of sight on my subscription page.


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## MindlessChrissy

Is the social group up yet? I just found this Tribe and we have an only.


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## cat13

iris777888, if you haven't found another co-leader, I'll help out. PM me.


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## pickle18

I think a social group is an awesome idea!









Our DS is 11 months old and sooo many people have assumed we were having another - they started asking us when we would have another when he was just 6 months old! We are quite happy with our lil dude and he rounds out our family quite nicely. I love being able to give him my time and attention, while still being able to spend time doing things around the house, with DH, our friends, and engaging in hobbies, travel, etc. We can take DS anywhere we go - music festivals, art galleries - strapped to me or his papa. We are able to have more couple time (with DS along for the ride) as well as expose DS to so many more things than we could if we had two or more, just by bringing him with us. Also, as an extra bonus, it has also given me the opportunity to re-evaluate where my career is headed, and what I want to use this time at home for to set me up to be happier down the road (if I go back to work/school - or, alternatively, stay home and homeschool).

I do think sometimes siblings can be great friends, but they can also be great enemies, so it's a toss up - not necessarily a strong reason to have more, though in certain situations like yours, mayaandx, I can totally understand why you might wish he had siblings. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers - you are in a tough spot.







I can't speak personally, but I certainly think that your love and attention will make all the difference in how your DC navigates this time in his life. I haven't really explored the geographic tribes on here yet - is it possible to find moms on MDC who might live near you? Some of the homeschooler threads on here have addressed this - finding social opportunities for onlies. If you search there you may find something helpful. Wishing you the best!


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## vydalea

Love the idea of a social group. Can you please post a link when it happens?







And thanks to the mamas who are volunteering to be co-leaders!!

pickle: I agree with your take on siblings. My sister and I are BFFs and my DH and his brother don't speak. Total toss up. I think my Z will find her own "siblings" KWIM??


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## cat13

I have two older brothers and none of us have ever been close, but I have plenty of "sisters" that I've met through the years who are my family, even if not by blood.


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## carfreemama

I think there's lots to talk about! In one way, I don't want to get into thinking that our family is so different, with different issues, just because dd is an only. We're just who we are! OTOH, there are issues I would like to explore. Several posters have mentioned their concern about lack of extended family and that is a reality for us, too. We are lucky to have dh's parents close by and very involved with dd's life. However, I am sometimes envious of other friends with onlies, who have cousins close in age and nearby; lots of aunts/uncles, etc. I sometimes feel even their experience is different from ours. Dd is the only child in the extended family within 1000 miles (oh, except for one teenage cousin she sees once a year). My mother was 46 when I was born. I have a sister 4 years older who lives on the other coast and has children older than dd that I have never met. We don't get along, although there has been no official falling out. The sister I was close to died a few years ago. My father died many years ago and my mother is 89. We are close, but now she has Alzheimer's. So what is the future for dd's sense of family? I also have a good social circle and a friend I refer to as my sister, so I am lucky that way. Dd does not lack for close friends. I finally figured out that it's the difference between "roots" and "family." I want dd to understand her roots and friends cannot replace that. This does NOT involve reconnecting with blood relatives I consider toxic, thankfully! So I think I've finally found a way to explore that so she does have a sense of who her ancestors are, at least. But I feel it's going to be very important to teach dd excellent social skills, since she doesn't have a lot of built-in family relationships. So far, so good. I wouldn't push that on her if she was more introverted, but she's very social. I want her to understand that she doesn't need to be lonely because she's an only. In fact, I don't think that's ever crossed her mind. But all of this is a big deal to me!


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## sk8boarder15

Really glad to find this. I have an 18 mo/old (tomorrow!!) and I don't want to ever get preganant again. We are considering adopting in the future, but for now we are really happy the way we are. If we never adopted I'd be just find with that! I love being able to have so much time to focus on Mark. I know that kid inside and out and I'm happy that way. I like that I have enough time and money to do lots of things with him, like the aquarium and children's museums. They wouldn't be impossible with more kids... but I'd have to split my attention.

We are just content with our family the way it is, 5 dogs take a lot of work anyway! 0.0 Glad to find others who are happy with just one and to see the issues people have with just one.

What is a social group? Did someone start one?


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## vydalea

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sk8boarder15*
> 
> We are just content with our family the way it is, 5 dogs take a lot of work anyway! 0.0 Glad to find others who are happy with just one and to see the issues people have with just one.


That's what we tell people... We feel complete the way we are.


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## onebookheart

Just saw this and even though I don't really know how a social group works, I am very interested. My only is really due to circumstance, (after losses, we decided not to tempt fate again, too heartbreaking) and trying to find the balance of being okay with our family as is, and letting myself mourn not having more kids is still a struggle almost 2 years after the decision was made not to try again.


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## MindlessChrissy

We have been wrapping our minds around ds being an only. We may not have a choice on if he is or isn't. I would love to give him a sibling so that when we're gone he'll have someone. I have 2 older brothers that drive me nuts but we do get along when need be. There aren't no relatives close to his age as he's 3 and his youngest cousin in 12/13. I don't have any friends so there's no kids around for him to play with. My Mom is an only as her mom was in her 40's when Mom was born. She says it was very lonely and she always wanted a brother or sister.


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## mayaandx

Please update when group starts. Thanks.


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## Super~Single~Mama

I'd like to be in on a social group as well. Has one been started?


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## Chantelle691

Yes, this.


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## sk8boarder15

Huh?


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## cynthia mosher

Hi everyone! To start a social group for your interest I need:


The name of your group
Two (or more) group leaders who will take the responsibility of making sure discussions stay respectful and comfortable, adhering to MDCs standard rules and guidelines
Whether you want the group open or closed. Open means anyone can join without application and approval. Just click the Join button and you can post. Closed means a group leader will receive your join request and approve or decline your membership before you can post. 

Once you have these three elements one of the group leaders should send me a PM with the group name, group leaders names, and the Open or Closed decision.

Thanks!


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## iris777888

Thank you! I sent you a PM with this info, Cynthia.

All, we should have it taken care of soon.  Will let you know when it's availalbe.


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## CI Mama

Yay, the group is open!

Here's a link: http://www.mothering.com/community/groups/show/30/parents-of-an-only-child

Come join, all ye mothers of one!


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## CrazyCatLady

I just joined the group! I hope more people join so we can all get to chatting.


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## glassesgirlnj

I just joined it as well!


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## pickle18

I'm in - thanks!


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## kfillmore

Anyone still interested in this group???


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## trinity6232000

I got an alert that a new post was posted. I'm still interested in this thread.


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## LLQ1011

I am!


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## mckennasmomma

I'm still here too. And still have just one child. And still find myself questioning!


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## glassesgirlnj

Another mom of an only-by-choice here!


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## mom2ponygirl

I'm still here as well with a 14 yr old only. I joined the social group mentioned a couple pages back and it seems to have a little activity happening.


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## kfillmore

that was me but I noticed that just a few posts above there is a link to the group that was formed!


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## lotta_earth

Hello

My son is 4 and an only child. It was not planned, as I always thought I would have at least two. I liked the idea of giving them siblings, even if they argue as kids they will probably be happier to have a brother or sister when they are older. It didn't work out that way, we accept it and are happy to have our family of 3. So now wondering if there are any good books about raising only children?

Also I am looking for a book to help talk about the death (of a pet) to a young kid. Any suggestions?

Thanks!


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