# HELP! DD is smoking!!



## GenB (May 28, 2007)

My lovely 19 yr. old dd is smoking. She REEKS of the nastiest cigarette smell! She also gets in a tanning bed and looks awful. She is so pretty and petite and has the most incredible personality!

I don't know what to do! She stayed home to go to a local college and lives with us. I try to cut her some slack but Im having a hard time with this one. Of course, she doesn't smoke in the house but she and her friends do in the yard. I'm going to ban that. I cannot sit by as a mom and watch them ruin their bodies like that!!

Any suggestions??? If only she knew how really badly she is hurting herself! I've downloaded horrible pictures of cancerous lungs but she just shrugs....


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## Lissacamille (Oct 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GenB* 
My lovely 19 yr. old dd is smoking. She REEKS of the nastiest cigarette smell! She also gets in a tanning bed and looks awful. She is so pretty and petite and has the most incredible personality!

I don't know what to do! She stayed home to go to a local college and lives with us. I try to cut her some slack but Im having a hard time with this one. Of course, she doesn't smoke in the house but she and her friends do in the yard. I'm going to ban that. I cannot sit by as a mom and watch them ruin their bodies like that!!

Any suggestions??? If only she knew how really badly she is hurting herself! I've downloaded horrible pictures of cancerous lungs but she just shrugs....









My 19 y.o. DD is smoking as well. I can't get over what a failure I must be for that to happen!
Ban smoking on your property but other than that, let it go. There's not a lot we can do besides lecture, and that gets old.


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## terrordactyl (Jul 19, 2006)

there is not much you can do about it kids tend to rebel when you makes things not allowed its her body and what she chooses to do with it now that she is not a small child is her choice


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## GenB (May 28, 2007)

Lissacamille, I feel the same way! What have I done???? DH and I are good people and have given her a wonderful life! She's happy, very funny, and otherwise a joy to have around. I guess I have to concentrate on that. But truthfully, I am also embarassed for her to meet people. She smells so bad that it makes her seem very hard. I worry about the types of friends she will attract. I know that sounds awful but we all want the best for our children, especially when it comes to a boyfriend and I am really bothered that nice guys wont have anything to do with her. She has a boyfriend now and he smokes like a chimney, too, though is is a cute kid.

Her skin looks bad and between that and the smell.....GEEZ!!!!! I smoked BRIEFLY in college until I went to work for an oncologist and saw my first malignant lung xray. That did it. I never picked them up again and as I've gotten older and greener, I am rabidly opposed to smoking. She has seen me be obnoxious in restaurants and even to her godfather who is a very inconsiderate smoker and constantly tries to smoke in my house. He and I have almost come to blows. My point to her is not how it looks, its what it is doing to her lungs and body.

Shaina, I guess you're right. I just need to ban it here and then back off. I just have this horrible gut feeling that she's really going to smoke permanently. THis doesn't seem to be a rebellious thing...she really enjoys it and just says "OK mom" when I say anything (which really is too frequently, I guess.)


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## frog (Jun 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GenB* 
I just have this horrible gut feeling that she's really going to smoke permanently.

And if she does, then what?

As a former smoker myself, my best recommendation to you is to get over your belief that you've "failed" because your (adult) daughter is smoking. It may be a life-long habit. It may be something that she does for a while and stops.

Either way, she's still your kid and even if it's not a choice you'd make, it is her choice.


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## KarenEMT (Aug 10, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frog* 
And if she does, then what?

As a former smoker myself, my best recommendation to you is to get over your belief that you've "failed" because your (adult) daughter is smoking. It may be a life-long habit. It may be something that she does for a while and stops.

Either way, she's still your kid and even if it's not a choice you'd make, it is her choice.

ITA with this post, as both a former smoker and now mom of a teen. My own mom had asthma. I was an EMS volunteer when I started smoking (so I saw the elderly with COPD) - I just wanted to smoke at that time and NOTHING would stop me. Thank goodness I have since stopped, but it was all my choice.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I would just ban it from my property because I have younger kids that I don't want influenced......and I'd gently inform her when she stinks. I might suggest that she use a smoking jacket (button up shirt, sweatshirt, whatever) that she can take off after smoking....then a quick handwashing and toothbrushing will go a long way.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KarenEMT* 
ITA with this post, as both a former smoker and now mom of a teen. My own mom had asthma. I was an EMS volunteer when I started smoking (so I saw the elderly with COPD) - I just wanted to smoke at that time and NOTHING would stop me. Thank goodness I have since stopped, but it was all my choice.

I will have to agree, NONE of my family smokes and for some reason in HS I decided that I wanted to. I hid it from my family for a long time, but I am 23 and married, so I've let it slip a little.
My advice is tell your daughter that you are disappointed and that you will not allow her to smoke at your house. She will think that you are a







but she will get over it. I would also say that if she has any siblings that you should tell her that they see her and her actions influence them.
thats what my mom did to me. I still smoke, but it is on my mind to quit


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## pajamajes (Feb 1, 2008)

As a teenage smoker I say, be cool. My grandma was a complete B to me and nagged me about everything. That's actually why I started smoking, to destress from her. I only smoke when I am upset. So its about one cig a day or maybe two. Not too bad, although I do know it's bad for me. I do plan on quitting before I have kids. And if you have younger kids it's your responsibility to protect them from second hand smoke, which I'm sure your daughter understands. She's a big kid now,







, and just because she smokes doesn't mean you've failed her as a mom. Smokers can be good people too. And I have a feeling it's just a thing. But even if its not, if you nag too much it will shut down your relationship with your daughter, and that would be a tragedy.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

It's hard for kids to see past this year. They can't imagine being 40. But, if she continues to smoke, she will look like she's "Been rode hard and put away wet" as my husband calls it.

There is absolutley a "smoker's face" . Women who smoke don't have the nice skin they would have had if they had never smoked.

My male friend and I were looking through profiles of women in their 40s on match.com. It was so obvious by these photos which women were smokers. Paul smokes, so he was looking for a smoker too. We just went through the pictures and said "She smokes" "She doesn't" "She tans AND smokes" LOL

Shallow, I know.

http://www.quitsmokingsupport.com/skin.htm <--info on smoker's face.


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## Sage.Naissance (Feb 5, 2008)

Ohh, teen smoking is a tough one. I feel for you, mamas.
I wish there was something you could do.
You are NOT a bad mother. I have an absolutely equisite mother who raised me sooo well, and I smoked as a teenager, still might with a drink once in a blue moon but I quit around 20 because I became health concious and it made me feel like a piece of crap and it was gross.... hopefully she will get that sense.
She could get pregnant... that might make her quit! Joking! Sorry. Gotta make light of these things. If she is around you and stinks tell her so but endless nagging wont work.. I wish it did, I wish anything worked to get people not to start smoking. Blasted cigarettes, I wish they didnt exist. They have always been a big struggle for me.


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## ProtoLawyer (Apr 16, 2007)

My parents caught me smoking at 17 and told me that if I wanted to kill myself slowly, that's fine, but they were not going to pay for me to go to college (because I was planning to go to school out of state and they felt they'd just be paying to enable the far more smoking I could do if not living under their roof).

That did the trick. I know threats may not be all that gentle but it worked for me.


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## ziggy (Feb 8, 2007)

"I do plan on quitting before I have kids."

Not always that easy.


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## Homestylfry (Jun 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GenB* 
My lovely 19 yr. old dd is smoking. She REEKS of the nastiest cigarette smell! She also gets in a tanning bed and looks awful. She is so pretty and petite and has the most incredible personality!

I don't know what to do! She stayed home to go to a local college and lives with us. I try to cut her some slack but Im having a hard time with this one. Of course, she doesn't smoke in the house but she and her friends do in the yard. I'm going to ban that. I cannot sit by as a mom and watch them ruin their bodies like that!!

Any suggestions??? If only she knew how really badly she is hurting herself! I've downloaded horrible pictures of cancerous lungs but she just shrugs....









Tape pictures of lung cancer and skin cancer to he cigarette packs and on her door.
Does she pay rent? When I was 20 and smoking and drinking my parents made me start paying rent..said 'if i can afford smoking and drinking then i can afford paying rent"

I couldnt afford smoking or drinking on a regular basis then!


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## papayapetunia (Feb 6, 2006)

She's not an idiot. She knows it's bad for her health. The best thing you can do is maintain a strong relationship with her so that she knows you're there no matter what. Banning smoking from the property may alienate her. She knows you don't approve. Being forceful with your disapproval will only divide you at a time where she needs togetherness.


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## GenB (May 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papayapetunia* 
She's not an idiot. She knows it's bad for her health. The best thing you can do is maintain a strong relationship with her so that she knows you're there no matter what. Banning smoking from the property may alienate her. She knows you don't approve. Being forceful with your disapproval will only divide you at a time where she needs togetherness.

So true. I realize that more each day. I'm making her friends (and her) pick up their nasty butts from the driveway and I'm banning them from smoking on the property because I don't want my 15 yr. old DS influenced. DH and I have also joined Weight Watchers and are walking and working out more. I feel like I'll get more through to her by what I do than what I say.

A funny thing happened last week, though. DH and I went to a nearby car dealership to look at a vehicle and the sales lady came out to greet us with a cigarette in her hand. She was as nice as she could be and quite helpful but she had to keep pausing in her answers to our questions to take a drag off her cig. DD wasn't with us but I wish she had been. This woman was 32 (she told us) and literally looked 60. DH thought she was lying. DD heard us talking about it when we got home and was appalled. Hopefully that made a strong point with her!!!


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## barbara73069 (Apr 21, 2007)

Sure she's a smoker but it doesn't make her a bad person, she just made a bad choice and is probably hooked like many of us are or were. All I can say is set the rules that you are comfortable with, but still love her. She's still the same person she always was.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
There is absolutley a "smoker's face" . Women who smoke don't have the nice skin they would have had if they had never smoked.

so true and yet so funny!

I went through a smoking phase at about that age. I was self destructive in a lot of ways and dealing with my underlying issues was the key to stopping the smoking. I think if it were one of my kids, I would be concerned about how they were doing over all -- how their grades were, if they had nice friends, if they had plans and goals and things they were enthusiastic about, etc.

I think that for some young smokers it is a lot simplier -- they just want to look older (and goddess knows smoking will work GREAT for that!) or go against the grain. I think that it can be a statement that they aren't going to do what society expects of them -- a sorta safe way to do make a rebellious statement while doing all the other things they know will pay off for them long term (like working hard at university).

I smoked for a few years, quit, and never went back. I'm quite the little health freak now -- at the gym every day, eating tons of fruits and vegies, and I look younger than I am. There were no long term effects of my silly youthful mistakes.


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GenB* 
A funny thing happened last week, though. DH and I went to a nearby car dealership to look at a vehicle and the sales lady came out to greet us with a cigarette in her hand. She was as nice as she could be and quite helpful but she had to keep pausing in her answers to our questions to take a drag off her cig. DD wasn't with us but I wish she had been. This woman was 32 (she told us) and literally looked 60. DH thought she was lying. DD heard us talking about it when we got home and was appalled. Hopefully that made a strong point with her!!!

I don't think that will affect her at all. When I was in college, using sunblock on your face was just starting. I had a roommate who used to get really tan. I remember her Aunt telling her she should wear sunblock because she'd be all wrinkly when she was 40 and she said "I don't care what I look like when I'm 40!" But guess what, now we're both 41! I haven't seen her in many years but I bet she still cares what she looks like.

Your DD is 19. 32 is completely off of her radar screen and she probably thinks every 32 yo looks old.

How much is she smoking? Every day? Or just when out with friends?

I don't know what you can do other than ban it in your house. That is your right. I don't think that putting up pictures of cancerous lungs or making snarky comments to her is going to help. It might even make her do it more.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

I went through a phase of that too. I don't think it has anything to do with how wonderfully you are raised or how cute and funny one is....I had a very outgoing personality, we lived in a lovely large home...but my friends and I tried smoking and we LIKED it for whatever reason. I can't even say what it was about it that we enjoyed. Maybe we felt grown up, maybe we thought we were cool? I don't know. I smoked for a while, then stopped, then started back up again until I was about to get married and all of the sudden, it repulsed me.
My inclination of course would be to remind her how nasty it makes her smell...but I'm pretty honest in that way. I'd give her the schpeel about lung cancer, bad skin, and how it depletes the vitamins and minerals in your body, leaving you susceptible to more illness. I'd eliminate the opportunity for the kids to smoke in your yard, and I'd gently remind her that smoking makes you stink. After that, there's not much else you can do really. I am hoping my kids won't choose to smoke, but I'll probably do all those things if they do.


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

I'd buy Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking, and read it and then leave it on the shelf for when she needs it. My sister read it to try and understand her dh - my mum is bringing a copy across for me, just a thought but maybe worth it. It says that you can smoke whilst reading the book and when the smoker finishes the book they'll have stopped.


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## robin4kids (Jan 20, 2004)

Now I don't smoke, but I can tell you that as a parent, if my child started smoking, I would do a little more than just ban it at home. I would find as many Ex-smokers as possible who would be willing to talk about what smoking did to their body. Young people don't seem to care about the inside of their body. They are very self centered and love the outside of their body. Invite people over for dinner and have them talk about how their teeth will never be white again. How their hands used to be beautiful, but now they are gray. About how their skin no longer is pretty.

I would do the same about the tanning. Where do you live? I will come to your house and show what tanning did to my body. I mean really. Something HAS to be done to stop these young people from smoking and continuing the cycle. I know I may be wrong, but I would not be able to give up on it till she had stopped.
Just my 2 cents.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

I agree that there isn't much you can do about it. When kids are young they think they are invincible. They don't realize you can die from anything at any moment and smoking can take a while to kill you but it could happen.

Do you know of anyone personally that has had lung cancer? or do you know anyone who has to drag an oxygen tank around with them everytime they go anywhere? My mother-in-law battled lung cancer and my children watched her go through it. Hopefully they will hang on to that memory and once they are older remember what she went through. She smoked up until the day she was put in the hospital with pneumonia and they soon after dx her with lung cancer.







However, her own daughter and several grandkids still smoke around her. I don't know how they do it with a clear conscious.







:


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Oh and hopefully it's just a phase. I went through a smoking phase between the ages of 16-22. It was on/off for me and I did it mainly to look cool at times. It was just really cool to walk around with a pack of cigs in public ya know. It actually made my stomach hurt when I smoked and I didn't even like it.







It's amazing what kids will do just to "fit in."


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## cmhotzler (May 29, 2005)

Ahh, so many points to make...I have smoked for 25 years. At 37 yrs.old, I look at most 28 yrs.old. I would post a picture if I could...anyway, I did quit the bad habit not to long ago, but what you look like has more to do with genetics and such than smoking. I have seen young women (I work in a bar) whom I have carded thinking "oh, boy, they are older than me" to be around 21-26 ish...and they don't smoke, and I have seen women who smoke like a chimney, who are 50 and look in their thirties! Talking about her looks and smell, and showing her pictures of smokers lungs, WILL DO NOTHING...the best thing to do is get the book "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" by Allen Carr...Amazing book...I recommend it to EVERYONE, even those who do not smoke. Almost every smoker on the face of the PLANET has seen the pictures of lungs, has heard the stories of "what it will do to your looks", has heard the lectures from doctors/parents/friends, and STILL smoke. Us smokers (former though I am), HAS HEARD IT ALL. AND WE DON"T CARE!! Scare tactics don't work. This book is amazing. It talks about the truth of smoking, WITHOUT the stupid scare tactics that don't work. It talks about the truth, the reason why nictotine is so addictive...and no, it has nothing to do with what the media tells us...i.e. nicotine is one of the MOST addictive substances in the world (and the amount of nicotine in one cigarette, injected straight into a vein would kill us instantly) but it also has the LEAST amount of actual physical withdrawl than any drug...not what the media portrays I know. Get her this book, tell her if she reads it, you will give her $100, read it yourself as well so you know she has read it, and tell her if she decides to keep smoking, you will stop nagging her. I hope you follow my advice...they also have a child's version to read to your kids so they will never become smokers (FYI)....scare tactics DON"T WORK. If they did, nobody would smoke. The government, the media, docors want to keep people smoking, HUGE money in it (gee, same as vaccines). Get the book, see what happens...GREAT BOOK...


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## cmhotzler (May 29, 2005)

Alright, I wrote a big long post on this, but it took so long it DIDN"T post...send me a message and I will give you GREAT advice on this this...


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

I'd buy Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking, and read it and then leave it on the shelf for when she needs it.
I wouldn't buy it. Wait until she wants to stop but gives some excuse for why she can't, then buy it.

I smoked from 19 (casually) to 25 (23 - 25 were bad). It's an addiction, and not exactly the worst one, either. I mean, she's not an alcoholic and you can thank God for that.

If I were you I would absolutely not nag. I would say- "We're very disappointed that you've decided to get addicted to nicotine with all the side-effects, but that's your choice. We don't want that drug or any resin in our home, or any butts in the yard. We hope you'll respect that."

Then drop it UNLESS she smokes in your home, in which case, of course, that would be grounds for a further discussion on how to keep cigarettes, nicotine, and their stench out of your home.

She's nineteen. She's not a baby or stupid. Smoking does feel good, in the beginning. Really. It does. That's how come it's addicting. She's still on the high. It will wear off, and then her smoking will pick up and she'll wake up with the cough in the morning and the zits and get the jonses on public transport or when in the house with you and then she will start to want to quit.

THEN give her Allen Carr's book (with which I also quit, before and because of trying to conceive).


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

I'm around her age. I smoke. It's seriously none of your business. She's a big girl. She can take care of herself.


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## kristenburgess (Sep 15, 2002)

imo, it is your business if it's on your property and around your minor children.

I have a friend with two boys. Her husband smokes. At home he must smoke outside and change shirts when he comes in to play with the boys. He doesn't want to quit but sees this a reasonable for the boys.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not allow smoking on your property. I wouldn't either. I would not want to alienate my child but if she's in college she realizes there are places that she's allowed to smoke and places she is not. And your residence and property are one of those places. I would also tell her she needs to wear a jacket or change shirts after she's done smoking. But then I think it's a disgusting habit and was hurt very very badly by a loved one who told me they'd quit smoking and continued to do it behind my back. It's a horrible habit all around, I firmly held that view as a teenager and even now as I gag my way around people smoking in front of stores. I was lucky, my parents best friends were smokers and I swore up and down as a child I would never ever do something to make me smell so disgusting.

But she is 19 and an adult so in the end the choice to smoke is hers. But your home is yours and I don't think you're unreasonable to ban smoking at the house. My adult brother lives with my parents and they require that he help pay bills, contribute to meals, etc. And if he did smoke I can guarantee it wouldn't be allowed in the house. He's an adult and understands there are things he contributes. Your daughter is old enough to understand that as an adult she's responsible for her habits and is required to manage them appropriately.


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## Heffernhyphen (May 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talk de jour* 
I'm around her age. I smoke. It's seriously none of your business. She's a big girl. She can take care of herself.









Whatever. How many kids do YOU have?


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talk de jour* 
I'm around her age. I smoke. It's seriously none of your business. She's a big girl. She can take care of herself.

She's her mother and her daughter is important to her so that does make it her business. I would comment to any family member about the dangers of smoking, not just my children, and I do comment to people I know.







I don't like to see anyone smoke.

You are very young so you can't see it from a "parent's" point of view anyway. You just want to do what you want to do and that's fine, but it's not good for you. It's in the media all the time and if you refuse to believe what you see then that's your choice. You are right, you are totally old enough to make your own decisions. :up: You have no idea what it might do to you and your body later on down the road though, that's the sad part. And the original poster clearly cares about her daughter and her health.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talk de jour* 
I'm around her age. I smoke. It's seriously none of your business. She's a big girl. She can take care of herself.

As a mother, it will always be our business to care what our kids are doing whether they are 2 or 52. If my kids are partaking in detrimental behavior, I don't care how OLD they are, I will tell them how I feel. Of course, it's their decision what they do in the end, but as their mom, it IS my business, and it never will stop being my business.

That said, are there a lot of teenaged non-mothers posting on this board? I thought this was a place for mothers and mothers-to-be (and in some cases, Dads) to come and talk about the joys and challenges of motherhood...not for teenagers to come and argue with us about it. I'm confused.


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## willthiswork (Mar 29, 2007)

Totally off topic but I'm a non-mother who posts here sometimes because its interesting. I'm hoping to be a mother some day, its just not happening :-(

On the smoking thing, I think that it is the ops business a) because she's her mum so its always going to be her business, the day my mum stops caring about what I do in my life (I'm 25) will be a very sad day for me and b) the daughter lives at home. I don't let anyone smoke in my house. I don't care if its lashing rain outside, if you want to smoke you're gonna get wet!


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *willthiswork* 
Totally off topic but I'm a non-mother who posts here sometimes because its interesting. I'm hoping to be a mother some day, its just not happening :-(


I didn't mean it from the perspective of someone like you, who is wanting to be a mom, but it hasn't happened...I'm talking about 18 or 19 year olds who are just coming to argue the perspectives of someone who is that age, and isn't looking at things from a parental point of view yet. I know there is another person on here somewhere who is a young adult, and I'm not certain if she plans on having kids at all, but she argues from a teen point of view quite often, which as we know is not always full of wisdom. I guess I was just wondering how many "kids" who are not in the mode of parenting (current, or near future) there are.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *willthiswork* 
Totally off topic but I'm a non-mother who posts here sometimes because its interesting. I'm hoping to be a mother some day, its just not happening :-(

On the smoking thing, I think that it is the ops business a) because she's her mum so its always going to be her business, the day my mum stops caring about what I do in my life (I'm 25) will be a very sad day for me and b) the daughter lives at home. I don't let anyone smoke in my house. I don't care if its lashing rain outside, if you want to smoke you're gonna get wet!

but you sound mature and the other person who posted was only 19. And I see nothing wrong with people who don't have kids posting on this board.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
but you sound mature and the other person who posted was only 19. And I see nothing wrong with people who don't have kids posting on this board.

and I don't either...I worded it funny at first. I have an issue with teenagers who are not parents posting things from their selfish points of view. If I were a young adult who was planning on having kids in the near future, of course this would be an excellent resource for finding all kinds of information. Sorry if my other post sounded wrong.


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## my2kidz (Mar 25, 2008)

Well, if she is using a tanning bed, she obviously cares about the way she looks. So, this technique may work for you. Go to http://www.age-me.com, upload her photo and age her virtually. Tell her between the smoking and the tanning beds, this is her future.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
That said, are there a lot of teenaged non-mothers posting on this board? I thought this was a place for mothers and mothers-to-be (and in some cases, Dads) to come and talk about the joys and challenges of motherhood...not for teenagers to come and argue with us about it. I'm confused.

I am 40 my kids are 15 and 19 - I must say, I treasure the teenaged non-mother point of view.. It gives me a window into what my kids might be thinking but may be reluctant to say to me.

I for one welcome the teenagers to come and argue with me.


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## nataliebassoon (Feb 20, 2008)

Are you giving her money for anything? You could cut off her funds as long as they're going to cigarettes.
My dh lived with his grandparents at that age, and as long as he followed their rules (go to church on Sunday, home by midnight on weeknights if not working, keep your hair cut short- pretty simple, reasonable rules), he lived rent-free, maybe you could institute something like that.


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## dkapdblack (Apr 19, 2007)

I too, was a teenage smoker (started when I was 18, started smoking heavily when I was 20, and quit when I was 23- the week I found out I was pregnant with DS), and unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. Honestly, if my parents had tried to force me to quit (which they didn't), I would have just smoked more out of rebellion. The fact is, I thought it was cool then and I really wanted to look cool. Someone telling me it wasn't cool wouldn't have changed my mind. I couldn't conceive of my future, or worry about my health- being young and vital makes you not worry about things like that. (as I'm sure you know!) So, after all this, my advice to you is to just love her, and tell her honestly that you don't want her to do it, that you worry about her, that it seems cool but it's not, that it smells bad (as a former smoker,_wow_ I can't believe how bad smokers smell), but that you can't and won't do anything to stop her, and that if she ever wants to quit you'll support her however you can. If you feel you have to ban smoking on your property, well, it's your property and explain that to her. But don't do it if it's simply to get her to quit.







, mama!


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I for one welcome the teenagers to come and argue with me.

don't you get enough teenaged arguing at home?








I feel like I want a place where I can get adult points of view without a teenager throwing in their two cents. I often will pose some of the questions here to my kids and see what they think...but for the opinions that really count to me as a parent, I need a place where I feel like I'm getting mature points of view from other parents who have been-there-done-that.
As far as teenagers opinions on this subject, it seems that the ones who are smokers think they should be allowed to do whatever they want and no one should care. The non-smokers think it's a vile and disgusting habit and have no idea why anyone would want to smoke. I was the kid who smoked, but I went to major lengths to hide it from my parents. I chewed gum, sprayed perfume on myself, etc...I'm sure they knew, but never said anything. My two are the ones who think it's nasty...at least for now. But it's nice to see how other parents handle these situations, should they arise for me at some point.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Haven't read the other replies; so sorry if I'm repeating myself. Sadly, there's not alot you can do to change it (no matter her age). Talk to her and ask her WHY she smokes. Then find a solution accordingly.

Reason: It's cool/ to fit in / because friends smoke
Possible Solution: Figure out about how much she's smoking per day (1/2 pack, whatever) and show her how much money she could save if she put that money in a bank account instead; and what she could buy with it that would make her 'cooler' (ie: a car, whatever else her friends are in to). I know we try to teach our kids not to do things to fit in; but that's almost impossible to not do at that age... appeal to that in a way that's more productive fitting in.

Reason: To stay thin
Possible Solution: Show her studies that show that smoking does not keep you thin; and stunts your growth too. There's a recent study done, so look that up for current credibility so she doesn't claim the info is outdated.

Reason: Addicted
Possible Solution: Find ways to help her understand that the longer you smoke, the harder it is to stop. Most people I know at my age (26) who smoke, want to stop but struggle with it because they've been doing it since their teen years. Perhaps there are older people she looks up to who also have a desire to quit and a problem with it. Explore quitting options with her (patch, meds, elmination, whatever).

Again, she has to want to quit for any of this to work. You can't force her; but you can influence her as best as you can. If you don't think you can talk to her about it without coming from an emotional perspective; try and find someone else (preferably influential) to talk to her about it. I can't believe kids still smoke....I just don't get why they'd shell out that much cash for it! (Especially here in Canada; at about $10/pack!!) Of all the things to do to rebel and/or fit in!







Good luck mama; I really hope you can help her quit somehow!


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

I've been the teenage smoker, the teen mom smoker, the adult smoker, and now the adult non-smoker...you really can't do anything but ban it from your property.

FWIW, I've had 2 collapsed lungs and I have emphysema and nothing could get me to quit the last time (I'd been off again-on again depending on pregnancy and stuff), not even my pregnancy with #4 (due to migraines, I had cut down to 3-5 a day but that's as low as I could go without being in excruciating pain)...when he was born, he wouldn't nurse after I'd smoked, so I tried quitting again and was able to (body chemistry was different I suppose, but I didn't get the migraines)..... whatever the reason for smoking, most people need a _good_ reason for quitting, and my son was more important then my own health.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I think you have every right to ask her not to smoke in the house. And I wouldn't assume she will think you are







: as a PP mentioned. Now days the risks and side effects of smoking are pretty well known. I really doubt she is ignorant of them. I don't think that giving her a quit smoking book, or pasting pictures of lungs will make much difference.

And as the mom of an 18 year old, yea I wouldn't like it if she smoked but I firmly believe that blackmail or requiring rent as some sort of penalty for smoking is wrong. Period. Part of growing up is making decisions, even ones your parents may not agree with. Even ones that you may later regret. Such is life. But I don't use my love and support as blackmail to control my childs decisions.


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## Lily Eve (Feb 15, 2008)

I like what one poster on here said about her parents refusing to pay her college tuition if she kept smoking. Sometimes kids just need motivation, and if parents cut off all financial aid and let kids move out on their own and pay for everything themselves they may see the light. So I guess what I'm saying is I wouldn't worry about alienating my child at all. I think smoking is completely unacceptable especially in this day and age as all the risks associated with it are well known by all. It'd be tough love for me and I think my child would thank me later for it.


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## mom de terre (Mar 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Homestylfry* 
Does she pay rent? When I was 20 and smoking and drinking my parents made me start paying rent..said 'if i can afford smoking and drinking then i can afford paying rent"

I couldnt afford smoking or drinking on a regular basis then!

I think this is great advice.


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## GenB (May 28, 2007)

Well time has passed and I think we are on the right track. (I hope







)
She has stopped hanging out with a friend that smoked ALOT and I haven't noticed that she smells quite as bad. I smell a little smoke on her but not like I did. I also chastised her boyfriend a little (in a funny manner) but I think it made him aware of how we really feel about smoking. He's a great kid and has more influence with her than I seem to. They are banned from smoking on the property at all which really didn't seem to bother anyone very much.

She still gets in the tanning bed, but not as frequently now. One good thing that I have noticed, though, is that she seems to be eating better. My child was an incredible eater as a baby and younger child but lapsed in her mid teen years and started eating a lot of GARBAGE. She never had a soft drink until she hit the 10th grade,then it was no holds barred! DH and I have been on weight watchers and I am once more keeping only healthy foods around the house. No sugar, refined carbs, or junk stuff. I watch her prepare snacks and she's going back to her old ways of healthy eating, lots of water or green tea, etc. So maybe this smoking thing will pass on. She has also given up alcohol except for the occasional beer. She told me recently she just doesn't want to look like some of her friends do that drink alot. She said they make fools of themselves and she's over that. (One can only hope!!)

We'll see. She's basically a good kid that has had her troubled spell but seems to be coming out of it. I agree with most everyone that responded to me on this subject: this is my child. The light of my life. Unless you have a child, it is hard to imagine the depth of love a parent feels for a child. I want only the best for her and will take care of her as much as I can until I draw my last breath. Just because she's 19 doesn't mean that I turned off the motherhood switch and closed the door on her. So to the 19 yr. old pp who thinks its none of my business if she smokes I say get back to me on this subject after you've matured a bit, had a child and can honestly say you've walked a mile in my shoes. I'd like to see if your opinion changes and if it hasn't then perhaps you need to spend some more time on this site around these wonderful, wise women absorbing as much as you can from them.


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

GenB - I just wanted to say what a great mom you obviously are, the love for your daughter just shines through.


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## Love4Vayla (Mar 7, 2008)

I started smoking when I was 13 (I'm 24 now....I quit when I was 21) with the help of my older sisters (17 & 19) who taught me how to inhale. My mom and dad both smoked, too, and so I would pick out their cigarette butts from the ash tray...gross. I smoked in high school and all throughout college. I knew I wanted to quit for a long time for several reasons, and the top priority unfortunately was NOT my health. I ran everyday and wasn't seeing any ill-effects...yet.

I finally QUIT b/c I was tired of the fact that I couldn't deal with a stressful situation without fumbling for a smoke. I QUIT smoking b/c I was so MAD about throwing my hard-earned money to the tobacco companies, especially since I wanted to be *independent* and *free-thinking* and I was very *anti-conformity*. Plus, (and this helped a ton) my boyfriend at the time (now my husband) quit smoking and he told me all the time how much I stunk and I was so self-conscious about it b/c of course I wanted him to like me.









You may not have wanted to hear my life story, but I tell it because nobody on earth could have made me quit something that I wanted to do. Maybe just like your daughter. I smoked everything and drank weekly, did lots of bad drugs...but it all just got so old after a while. Now, I have a VERY hard time being around it. It makes me sick, but I think that's what I preprogrammed myself to think. That it was DISGUSTING, not enjoyable whatsoever.

She'll quit when she wants to. Remind her that it smells nasty and make it as difficult as possible to smoke around you and the rest of your family. Make her brush her teeth, wash her hands, change her clothes, etc. before you go out together as a family or sit down for dinner. Remind her that you do not want to EVER catch her smoking. I wish someone would have done that for me. But photos of lungs or threats never worked for me. If you planned on paying for college, maybe have a nice talk with her and explain how you feel and offer to pay only half if she keeps smoking. Or if you pay her an allowance, cut it off. She may be upset, but I wouldn't want MY money going towards an awful addiction. She can get a job and pay for the $5/pack (or more!) on her own.

My father died last May from cancer at 73.







He had emphysema, too. Watching him spit brown mucous into an empty milk jug after a coughing fit was pretty gross and sad and a very good deterrent. I wish he would have been here to watch me get married this past October and to meet my beautiful 2mo old baby girl born in this January. Smoking sucks.


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## barbara73069 (Apr 21, 2007)

I'm a smoker and unfortunately my 16 year old daughter smokes too. I was upset when I found out but as a smoker myself I realize that she will not quit until she herself wants to. Sure I don't like the fact that she smokes, but it doesn't change who she is, and I'm very proud of the young adult she's become, smoking or not.


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## GenB (May 28, 2007)

ewe+lamb, thank you for that comment. That really helped me feel better. I do love her so much...and that is what makes it so hard to watch her do these awful things to her body.

Love4Vayla, you are right. I hope with age comes wisdom. It did for me, too. I did some amazingly STUPID things when I was her age and I came out of it. I have to hope the same for her. I think the idea of washing up when she comes in and before dinner is a good one. I'm going to try that one tonight.

I looked at pics of her spring break beach weekend a little while ago and EVERYONE was smoking. I guess they want to feel grown up and cool. I cannot believe given what we know today about tobacco use that anyone would come within 100 feet of a cig or anything else containing all those chemicals! I am fighting like mad to rid our home of as many chemicals as I can! Geez!!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
and I don't either...I worded it funny at first. I have an issue with teenagers who are not parents posting things from their selfish points of view. If I were a young adult who was planning on having kids in the near future, of course this would be an excellent resource for finding all kinds of information. Sorry if my other post sounded wrong.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
That said, are there a lot of teenaged non-mothers posting on this board? I thought this was a place for mothers and mothers-to-be (and in some cases, Dads) to come and talk about the joys and challenges of motherhood...not for teenagers to come and argue with us about it. I'm confused.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
don't you get enough teenaged arguing at home?








I feel like I want a place where I can get adult points of view without a teenager throwing in their two cents.


If you read the UA there is nothing in it that limits memberships to parents or aspiring parents. And there is nothing in the guidelines of this forum that limits posts from someone that doesn't have a teen. We see plenty of posts from people with babies and toddlers but no teens.

And your assumption and prejudice that a teens view is selfish







: you can learn a lot from actually talking with kids including teens.


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

I started smoking when I was 18, and it's a battle I've been fighting for about 21 years now. I have to agree with the previous poster about smoker's face being more genetic than anything - I still get carded regularly, and just don't look that old yet (but let me do without sleep and I age 10 yrs overnight!).

It's good that she's showing an interest in taking better care of herself. While you can't really forbid her from ever smoking, you can let her know you don't care for it (which I'm sure you've done). Beyond that, I'd teach her how to "manage" it. If she insists on smoking, that's her decision. However, let her know that smoking depletes certain vitamins and suggest she take a multivitamin to help counter that. Let her know gently that she stinks to high heaven and back, and present her some tactics to use to minimize that, as well as letting her know that for things like job interviews, it's important not to go there reeking. Also, let her know that should she decide she does want to quit, you'll help her any way she needs - the patch, a script, a book, whatever she feels would be best- but don't belabor the point. We won't always agree with the choices our children make, but that doesn't mean we can't help them avoid the worst of the damage for their decisions either (especially when at 19 they really may not be able to grasp the full ramifications of those decisions).


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

"around her age" doesn't necessarily make me a non-parent or even a teenager. for the record.


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## AsYouWish (Apr 20, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GenB* 
Lissacamille, I feel the same way! What have I done???? DH and I are good people and have given her a wonderful life! She's happy, very funny, and otherwise a joy to have around. I guess I have to concentrate on that. But truthfully, I am also embarassed for her to meet people. She smells so bad that it makes her seem very hard. I worry about the types of friends she will attract. I know that sounds awful but we all want the best for our children, especially when it comes to a boyfriend and I am really bothered that nice guys wont have anything to do with her. She has a boyfriend now and he smokes like a chimney, too, though is is a cute kid.

I have not read all of the replies, so I don't know if this has been addressed. But I do want to say that I am a little disturbed by what I read here. OP, I understand that you are worried for your daughter's health, but I really think you are unnecessarily stretching your concerns over a much larger area based on a very false (and, I'll be honest, offensive) concept. You are making statements about the "goodness" of people based on whether or not they smoke. There is no correlation between the two. "Good people" are both smokers and non-smokers and the same can be said for "bad people". If your DD continues to smoke, she might attract other smokers as friends, but since your daughter is happy and funny as well as (currently) a smoker, those other smokers that she attracts will probably be happy and funny people too. My DP is an occasional smoker (although stress at work has led to a once-a-day smoke lately) and he was a light smoker when I met him and "had something to do with him" over 8 years ago. Since in your view, nice girls wouldn't have had anything to do with him because he smokes, does that mean I am not a "nice girl"? And since being with DP, I smoke very, very occasionally (probably several times a year) on a social basis with some of the smoking friends (who happen to be some of the most intelligent, funny, open-minded, loving, compassionate people I could ever have the great fortune to know) that we have _attracted_. Does that make me downright "bad"? Are our friends, who happen to smoke, also "bad"?

I wonder what your daughter thinks of you and your decision to align smoking with morality. Perhaps by taking up smoking she is trying to teach you something.

And just an anecdotal observation: I dated a lot and had quite a few boyfriends before meeting DP. The boys of whom I have the fondest memories because they treated me so well all happened to be smokers. And the two supreme a$$holes that I was stupid enough to date thought smoking was a disgusting, unhealthy habit. Just sayin'.


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## DavinaT (Jun 28, 2005)

I have only skimmed through someof the posts but I have to say Lily Eve, I agree with Arduinna on this. Using rent / threat of withdrawl of colege fees is a form of blackmail - plain and simple against someone who, being over 18, is legally an adult.
I never smoked but I was one strong-headed young woman and if my parents tried to use cutting off all financial aid and forced me out of what essentially was my own home to pay for everything myself - over an issue, I would never have set foot on their doorstep again.
Afterall my mother smokes, but I don't threaten to force her to do all her laundry, form filling, financial stuff and grocery shopping herself. She too is an adult.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Blu Razzberri* 

Reason: Addicted
Possible Solution: Find ways to help her understand that the longer you smoke, the harder it is to stop. Most people I know at my age (26) who smoke, want to stop but struggle with it because they've been doing it since their teen years. Perhaps there are older people she looks up to who also have a desire to quit and a problem with it. Explore quitting options with her (patch, meds, elmination, whatever).


I am not sure this is true. I have quit smoking twice in my life. I quit one time at age 18 and stayed quit until age 20. I then smoked from age 20 till age 27.

I remember quitting at 18 was MUCH harder than quitting at age 27. Don't get me wrong, they were both really difficult, but age 18 was beyond painful for me. I remember the feeling and I really don't know how I managed to deal with it. I still can't believe I was stupid enough to do it again at 20.


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