# What to wear after late miscarriage



## lovecarrieson

This may sound like a strange problem, but after losing my baby in the fifth month (pregnancy was 20 weeks, baby was 16 weeks) I don't know what I'm going to wear when I go back to work.

I was one of those women who showed my pregnancy right away, and I also gained 16 pounds in 5 months because I was always nauseated and hungry. So now I have a belly with no baby in it, which makes me really self-conscious. I hadn't gotten around to purchasing many warm-weather maternity outfits, and those I did buy were very maternity-looking dresses. My husband says to go ahead and buy more maternity clothes for the next few weeks or months, but that breaks my heart.

Has anyone else gone through this? What did you wear, and how long was it before you could return to your pre-maternity clothes? Did the weight naturally "melt off" as you returned to your normal eating and exercise routines, or did you have to work to lose it?


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## Momsteader

Hi again mama! I just happened to see this other post you made as well. Do you have some looser things in your current wardrobe that might tide you over? Or perhaps purchasing one of those belly bands that look a bit like a long tank top and leaving pants or skirts loosened. I think it would depend on how professional you need to look for work. You might hit thrift and see if you could pick up a few things to get through the next few weeks or months.


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## lovecarrieson

I guess since we're heading into summer I might have some dresses that can work, though FIFTEEN POUNDS makes just about everything tight. This is a miniscule problem compared to having lost our baby boy, but it hurts to imagine people looking at my pregnant-seeming stomach and knowing there's no baby in there. I don't want to wear anything tight.


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## manhattanmamma

I am in the same boat. I have been wearing flowing dresses and tunics that have no waist with leggings underneath- like I did at the beginning of pregnancy before I wanted anyone to know. My midwife told me to hold off on buying new clothes now for at least six weeks, but I went outlet shopping and got a few dresses that I like, and which don't hug my body. I used to be very small, and felt comfortable showing a lot of skin in the summertime. I think this summer will be different. My old clothes don't fit, and my hips are wider than they used to me- and according to my midwife, I need to wait a little while longer before any exercise that might burn off the extra pounds.


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## lovecarrieson

Manhattanmama, how long did your midwife say to wait before exercising? I do wish the OB I went to had given me more post-miscarriage self-care instructions.

Did you feel like it would be too weird to wear maternity clothes, is that why you bought some new stuff? And one more question, did she say to wait 6 weeks to shop because she thought your body would return to normal size by then? My breasts are still swollen and tender, so I know my body hasn't caught on to not being pregnant yet. I wish I knew how long that would take.


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## manhattanmamma

She said to wait six weeks because the body is still considered post-partum for six weeks. There are still hormones shifting around and changing. She said another three to six months and I'll be at a place that will be more consistent physically. She also said that my body may never go back to "normal"- that it may be different now. I had milk come in, and so my breasts are different than they used to be. Somewhere around the same size now, but my old bras don't fit. I spoke with a lactation consultant at the height of the pain of engorgement. She said that our breasts are not fully formed until after milk production. Now we have new tissue. My body shape seems different. I have no idea what it will be like when the hormones stop shifting things around.

I gave my maternity clothes to my doula/friend right away. I only kept the leggings I wore almost every day. It is just too hard to look at the things I bought while imagining an expanding belly. I had only recently started wearing maternity-specific tops. I don't think I could handle wearing those now. The dresses I bought will look okay if I get smaller again, but they work now as well. I bought a tee-shirt dress from banana republic that doesn't show my waist, and a flowing dress from levi's. I have a few dresses with ties around the waist, and I just am wearing them untied or tied very loosely.

Have you been to the OB for a two-week checkup? I found out a lot about what to do while there. Most recommendations have been concerned with emotional health. On that end I got a lot of resource material, which I would be very happy to share with you. My doula was also very, very helpful. She got me nursing pads and helped stuff my bra with cabbage when my milk came in and told me to eat a lot of protein, to rest a lot. To listen to my body- not to push myself. It is a hard balance to strike- not pushing myself, but also not retreating and staying in bed all day. Short walks help a lot.

The recommendation to wait on exercise has to do with bleeding. I am still having some light bleeding (which, from what I understand, comes from a wound in the uterus where the placenta was), but bleeding increases when I do too much activity. I felt physically capable of going on an hour long hike, and felt great while I was in the woods-- but I was very, very tired later and bled a lot afterward. It is hard... I was so sick and had no energy for so long when I was pregnant. It is nice to be able to walk around and get some exercise. But I guess my uterus isn't ready yet. The midwife suggested waiting a little longer for exercise because I was returning to work, which (even though I sit at a desk all day), is more activity than I have been used to in the few weeks since the loss. She said I can resume a little more activity and sex after the bleeding has stopped. I plan on taking it slow.

I am trying to take a zen approach to my current body state. I cannot change it, I have to relax in the uneasiness I feel and ugliness that I see (I know I am not actually ugly, it is in my head). It is also an opportunity to know myself as a woman. This is the body of a mature woman, and a part of growing up. I don't know if any of that is helpful to you- but it helps me. I find so much about this experience is about accepting things I cannot change. The current state of my body is what it is. I was not in control of my body when I was pregnant and very sick. And I was not in control of my body when I lost my child. I am now not in control of my body as it shifts and heals itself.


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## lovecarrieson

Thanks for these details. This is extremely helpful, especially the validation that too much activity leads to more bleeding. A friend of mine (two healthy pregnancies, no miscarriages) said "activity always makes me bleed more even when I have my period, it's cleansing for you" but I think I should still be taking it easy. I go in for my 2-week appt next Weds, so I've had very little advice on where to go from here.

I'm so sorry you had milk come in. That must have been an additional source of grief. Your striving to accept what you have no control over is certainly inspiring, and sounds like an incredible life lesson.

My challenge during pregnancy was that I was being pushed into a crappy job at work with the threat of losing my job altogether. While incredibly stressed and depressed about that, I didn't feel very supported by my family. My husband was great, but we were struggling with both of us working fulltime, both in grad school, both with long commutes, and the difficulty of getting a decent meal on the table every night. My parents are at my sister's house every other week to help her with being a single mom of an 8-year-old, and since she lives near me I really started to wonder why they couldn't ever come to my house to help out with my pregnancy or just to offer moral support. I felt so sad, stressed and unsupported. We have a very similar situation in my husband's family, with his super needy sister absorbing all the family's energy and resources. I know some people can't stand to have their families around, but we're both close to ours and they live nearby.

Since the baby died everyone has been incredibly supportive and available. I learned the hard way that the love and support were there all along, and maybe our families learned that just because we're not "squeaky wheels" doesn't mean we don't need help sometimes. I'm going to carry these positive feelings into my next pregnancy. I'll be done grad school in August and, due to an incredible turn of events, I got a promotion instead of laid off, so I have to believe having less stress will lead to a different outcome next time.

I'm grateful for every lesson my baby brought me, but I miss him so much.


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## lovecarrieson

By the way, I agree on trying to see the body changes in a positive light. Now that you mention it, I can look at my body and be proud it made a home for my Peanut, even if things didn't go the way I expected. Maybe I won't worry about the body changes so much right now.

We both live in body conscious urban areas, though DC is nothing compared to Manhattan...


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## cyclamen

Lovecarrieson, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Have you had your appointment yet? How did it go? I hope you are getting rest. Your friend is wrong, bleeding after giving birth is not like a period. Increase in bleeding after giving birth is a sign to take it easy. I hope you are continuing to get support from your family and friends.

My DD2 died in the beginning of May. (It's hard to believe it's been that long, already.) She was full term and we were lucky to get to spend five days with her. Figuring out what to wear afterwards was hard. I stayed in my maternity clothes for a week. I ended up buying a bra to fit my boobs as they were, knowing I'd only get a month of use out of it. I pumped for a while, then let my milk dry up and now my boobs have shrunk, so I will have to get another bra.

Now, my body is not too different than it was - I'm still poochy in the middle, etc. I've been wearing long flowy skirts and flowy pants with stretchy waistbands, and long, loose tops. My favorite tops are non-maternity empire waist or baby doll tops. I haven't wanted to wear anything tight either.

It also helps me to see the changes in my body as evidence that my baby girl was here, that I was really pregnant, and she was really in our lives. I have some healing stitches, but now, six weeks out, the poochy belly pretty much feels like the only physical evidence that I was just pregnant for most of the last year. For once I'm not in a hurry for it to go away.


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## lovecarrieson

Oh Cyclamen, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I read some of your other posts and cried at the beautiful last moments you and your husband had with her under the stars. I'm grateful you had that time outside the hospital. I am sending light to you and your family.

Why is life so painful and hard?

Yes, I can see how your changed body is a tribute to your daughter's existence. Thank you for reminding me there is another way to view my own body. And thank you for validating that a miscarriage isn't like a period.  Listening to my own body instead of other people's opinions, I put up my feet for several more days (a total of two weeks after induced labor) and I feel much stronger today on Weds than I did on Sun. I really needed a little more time. I go to see the doctor for my follow-up in a couple of hours.


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## cyclamen

Lots of light to you and your family as well, lovecarrieson. It's hard, isn't it? I hope that your appointment went well.


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## lovecarrieson

Thank you so much. The appointment went well and I felt more positive after hearing her confidence that I'll get pregnant again.

But now I'm REALLY struggling again because I'm facing going to a bridal shower for my oldest friend of 25 years, who was pregnant with me. We were the last of our group to get pregnant, and the last of anyone I know to get pregnant. I just don't know how I'm going to stand seeing her pregnant belly at the shower in 2 weeks. It's really messing with my head. If it were a baby shower I'd probably just skip it and everyone would understand. But it's her bridal shower and I would feel terrible missing any of her special days.


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## manhattanmamma

lovecarrieson, I am right there with you today. I am supposed to go to my close friend's 30th birthday party tomorrow and my other close friend who was three weeks ahead of me in the pregnancy will be there. I want to go, but I don't think I can do it. I am so afraid to see her belly. I was feeling okay until last night at a family event when I saw my SIL and her newborn niece for the first time since my loss. Next thing I knew I was crying and shaking in the bathroom and left without saying goodbye to anyone. I made a plan before going that I would leave if I felt bad. I was hoping not to have to, and having the plan didn't make it easier- but it did allow me to show up for the amount of time that I did without too much fear.

I think I'm having the hardest time with not being where I want to be, emotionally. I want to show up for my friend's party and have fun and dance and be happy for my friend. Instead I am sad and scared and feel alone. It is a practice in being with my actual feelings and now what I wish I felt. I haven't made a decision about tomorrow night. I have another friend who has offered to arrive with me and be by my side. It is so hard to ask for that help- I feel like people are going to get sick of me- but she says she wants to be there for me, and I believe her. But still- I just don't know if I can do it.


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## manhattanmamma

Also, I am so glad your appointment went well. I am glad you have taken some time to rest too.


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## lovecarrieson

Oh ugh, it is unbearable!!! I have no words to ease you pain, I just totally feel you. I am so, so sorry for your pain at seeing your niece. I can't imagine how I'll react the first time I see one of my friends' newborns.

Personally, I would miss a 30th bday party rather than torture myself. Sure it's a milestone celebration, but the main point of the night is to relax and have fun which you're just not ready for. I'm having trouble giving myself the same permission to miss my friend's wedding shower because I see it as once-in-a-lifetime. In the end I may skip it though. One friend advised that I just be honest, she'll understand, etc. But my sister said no, don't put that into your friendship so that she'll feel guilty whenever her child is around. I thought that was good advice. So I may just say I'm not feeling well enough to make it, and that will be true--emotionally.

It's hard enough seeing pregnant strangers on the street let alone the friend I was pregnant with. I just can't wrap my head around the reality that we were going to have our first babies together and now she's going to have one and I'm not. I'm still (abstractly) happy for her of course, I just can't believe this is my life.


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## lovecarrieson

I did one little thing that gave me comfort, and I think I got the idea on these boards. I bought a necklace in commemoration of my baby. Since we called him peanut I got a little gold peanut charm and a chain to put it on. Now I have something physical to associate with him. We hadn't bought any baby stuff yet and, even if we had, he wouldn't have ever used it so I don't know if I would really have found that comforting.

The necklace came in the mail yesterday and I love it. I love touching it and feeling connected to my baby.


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## manhattanmamma

I love the idea of necklace that you're talking about. It is such a great idea, and so nice to carry your Peanut so close to your heart.


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