# My girl was spanked and now she "spanks" herself! Help me!



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

My father-in-law had a massive heart attack early yesterday morning and went through a quad bypass. During this time, I had to find someone to watch my two year old and nine month old girls. I am a SAHM and my girls have NEVER been anyone else's care except my DH or MIL. We have NEVER EVER spanked our girls or slapped hands or anything of the sort. I quickly called my neighbor lady on the farm next to ours and she said she would watch the girls. They are familiar with her and know her as a friend. This neighbor knows we don't spank or hit. I felt confident they would be in good hands. They were only with her a couple hours while I rushed my DH to the hospital and waited with the family for awhile. When I returned home, my two year old looked as if she had been crying and she came running to me. Our neighbor walked over and smiled and said "Everyone was fine, except for a little tiff. But, I just corrected her and she is fine now." I didn't even THINK to ask how she was corrected, I was in such a daze over the day's events I went on about my way. Later on the afternoon, my DD was getting into the dog water and I said, "No, no, remember, we don't touch that." She smacked her butt and said, "Bad, no no!" I almost lost it. I called up my neighbor and asked if she spanked her. She wanted to dance around the issue, but eventually said, "Yes I had to because she would not leave her sister alone. She needed it for her own good." She claims she did not "beat" her, just "swatted" her. What the HELL?????? I hung up and I have not spoken to her since I was so mad. Now what do I do? What do I tell my child? This is all my fault leaving her with someone I thought I knew. I guess I don't people like I though. God, I feel so pissed off and my daughter is paying the price. Now what???????


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## momma earthical (May 21, 2006)

mama for you and your girls.

I am so sorry that happened. I don't have any advice or ideas right now but couldn't not post a


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

I guess I just don't know what to do in the future when I need to gently discipline my daughter. It seems when I try to talk to her, she sometimes smacks her butt and says "bad, bad." Obviously this neighbor has made a horrible impression upon her. I just keep telling my daughter to not hit herself and it is not nice to hit herself or other people. I don't know what else to do.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

It'll be okay. Really. She's communicating with you, that's all.

Get out the dolls and ask her to show you what happened when you left her with Mrs. Spanking Neighbor. Then ask her to show you how it should have been handled. Ask her how she felt when it happened.

Let her know that you had no idea Mrs. Spanking Neighbor would act that way, that it is wrong, that you will never leave her with Mrs. Spanking Neighbor again.

The acting it out will fade as she works through it.

Hugs to you, your dh and you lo.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

No advice on your daughter other than reiterating that your family doesn't hit.

I'd consider charging the neighbor with abuse, children don't start hitting themselves because they got hit once. She must've done something seriously wrong. Or at least, that's what I'd say to her when I called her to tell her off again. She needs to apologize.


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## tashaharney (Feb 19, 2007)

one thing that helped with my guilt when my dad smacked my son was to apologize to my son. i told him that i was so sorry that grandpa spanked him, that no one should ever hit him, that i was sorry that i wasn't there to protect him. i promised him it would never happen again.

on the actual incedent itself i don't have much advice but if you're feeling guilty this might be a way to help . . .


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## yoginisarah (Dec 20, 2007)

That would break my heart. I'm sorry that happened to your little girl. I think just talking about it when she brings it up is best and letting her know that you'll never do that if she does something you don't like. I'd also tell her that it was "not nice" and wrong of the neighbor lady to hit her and for her to tell you if anyone ever hits her again.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
I guess I just don't know what to do in the future when I need to gently discipline my daughter. It seems when I try to talk to her, she sometimes smacks her butt and says "bad, bad." Obviously this neighbor has made a horrible impression upon her. _I just keep telling my daughter to not hit herself and it is not nice to hit herself or other people._ I don't know what else to do.

I don't think I'd be telling her that _she's_ not being nice by hitting herself -- she's just trying to process what happened and is probably quite confused. I'd probably try to make it clear that the neighbor was wrong to hit her, that hitting kids (or anyone) is never okay, and that your DD will never be left with the neighbor again.

Hopefully your reassurance will help, and I'm sure after a few days she won't feel the need to keep playing it out -- it was just an experience way outside her realm of normal, and she's trying to make sense of it.


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## TonyaW (Dec 5, 2006)

Wow, that is disgusting! I would be so angry too.

When I read your post I immediately thought of the book Playful Parenting. I don't know how to tell you how you might deal with it, but I think this book might give some good ideas. Acting it out somehow.


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## Greenmama2AJ (Jan 10, 2008)

What is it with people who think they can hit children in their care?!

Even if you believe in spanking your own kids surely people understand there is an even greater line you cross when you hit other people's children!!

I'm sorry your DD's were hurt and especially during such a stressful time for you. At least they have a caring mom like you to come home to. That's awful!


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

children don't start hitting themselves because they got hit once.
Why not? If it's something her mother doesn't do and it was a shock to her, this could be how she's processing what happened.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Wow! I am so sorry. I think the little one is just trying to process it and yeah, I think my dd's would be shocked by it so much they'd spend a lot of time talking about it and playing it out as well. They've had such a gentle upbringing to date without violence I can't imagine they would react otherwise.








mama

and I have to say if anyone, under any circumstances laid a hand in violence on my child they would have the police at their door and assault charges would be laid.

While spanking is acceptable in a lot of places I don't know of any place that allows anyone other than a parent to do it particularly without the parent's knowledge or consent.

Just reassure your child that you will never leave them with that person again, practice gentle touches, shower them with positive physical touch, lots of hugs and kisses and they will move on.

more







for you and your little one


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## JackieR (Sep 12, 2006)

I am so sorry this happened to you and your daughter - how awful - and the neighbor's reaction of dancing around it before admitting it tells me she _knew_ she shouldn't have done it.

Kids, however, are extremely resilient. Let her process it and move on. This, too, shall pass.









*HUGS!*


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
It'll be okay. Really. She's communicating with you, that's all.

Get out the dolls and ask her to show you what happened when you left her with Mrs. Spanking Neighbor. Then ask her to show you how it should have been handled. Ask her how she felt when it happened.

Let her know that you had no idea Mrs. Spanking Neighbor would act that way, that it is wrong, that you will never leave her with Mrs. Spanking Neighbor again.

The acting it out will fade as she works through it.

Hugs to you, your dh and you lo.









:


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Thanks mamas! I called my neighbor this morning because I had calmed down and boy did we have a heated discussion. I told her I was not going to press charges or anything of the sort, but I demanded her come over to apologize to my DD. She said she would, but said a two year old would never understand it







. My husband is in his own world with his father being very ill so I have not really discussed it yet with him (I will in detail when he is more of himself) My DD seems a little more put together this morning. She dumped my plant on the floor (she knows not to touch it) and did not spank herself...thank goodness. I don't know what else to do with my neighbor. I guess the apology (I myself have apologized a million times to my daughter) and I will let both my daughter and the neighbor know she will NEVER be watching her again and our friendship is over.


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

You made the right choice. She apologizes, you tell her if she ever lays a hand on your children or you you will press charges, then escort her off your property.

Personally I would never speak to her again.


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## goodheartedmama (Feb 1, 2007)

Perhaps I'm overreacting, but my neighbor (or anyone who laid a hand on my child) would find themselves being reported for abuse. I'm so sorry that your daughter had to go through that. I really can't say how I'd handle it with her--I hope it's never anything we experience


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## kapatasana (Apr 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
My father-in-law had a massive heart attack early yesterday morning and went through a quad bypass. During this time, I had to find someone to watch my two year old and nine month old girls. I am a SAHM and my girls have NEVER been anyone else's care except my DH or MIL. We have NEVER EVER spanked our girls or slapped hands or anything of the sort. I quickly called my neighbor lady on the farm next to ours and she said she would watch the girls. They are familiar with her and know her as a friend. This neighbor knows we don't spank or hit. I felt confident they would be in good hands. They were only with her a couple hours while I rushed my DH to the hospital and waited with the family for awhile. When I returned home, my two year old looked as if she had been crying and she came running to me. Our neighbor walked over and smiled and said "Everyone was fine, except for a little tiff. But, I just corrected her and she is fine now." I didn't even THINK to ask how she was corrected, I was in such a daze over the day's events I went on about my way. Later on the afternoon, my DD was getting into the dog water and I said, "No, no, remember, we don't touch that." She smacked her butt and said, "Bad, no no!" I almost lost it. I called up my neighbor and asked if she spanked her. She wanted to dance around the issue, but eventually said, "Yes I had to because she would not leave her sister alone. She needed it for her own good." She claims she did not "beat" her, just "swatted" her. What the HELL?????? I hung up and I have not spoken to her since I was so mad. Now what do I do? What do I tell my child? This is all my fault leaving her with someone I thought I knew. I guess I don't people like I though. God, I feel so pissed off and my daughter is paying the price. Now what???????

Oh my God, I would be so angry!
My nephew (who's parents live by what the Pearls say, [I know, I'm currently debating whether or no to call child protective services]) is hit all the time and whenever he does something he's been told not to or an adult tells him "no", he comes up to his mom and says "Panking?" They think it's aborable. Seriously. I think i's sick, disturbing, and it makes me want to cry.
Needless to say, I think you did the right thing, and that your daughter is extremely lucky to have a mother like you.


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

When things happen that I feel my child shouldn't have been exposed to or possible can't handle I remember a lovely quote from Naomi Aldort (Trusting our Children, Trusting Ourselves):

Quote:

Children can handle any upset, any trauma as long as they are allowed to express it.
She will be okay.









Here is an excellent article on how children deal with emotional hurt. Children have excellent tools for dealing with strong emotions. We need only tune in, be there, play along, validate. She can express it in a way she needs to and then most importantly having expressed it, MOVE ON. _And she will._ The trick is allowing for this process to also take place in ourselves. Children have a lot to teach us.

My best advice is to take some special play time with her so that she can express it in a way that does not hurt others... stuffed animals, dolls and such can make excellent helpers!

Hang in there mama. Lots of support and







s to you.

http://www.naomialdort.com/articles4.html


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## tex.mom (Jun 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
Quote:
children don't start hitting themselves because they got hit once.

Why not? If it's something her mother doesn't do and it was a shock to her, this could be how she's processing what happened.

I was thinking the same. My kids seem more likely to keep repeating a one-time thing if they know it was wrong and it is really bothering them.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

You've gotten some good advice. I would also be livid over the neighbor telling her she was "bad."

Your daughter will be okay. You've apologized to her - she knows how you feel. If she keeps acting it out just remind her that hitting is not acceptable, that she is not bad and that your neighbor was wrong for hitting her.

Hugs to you!


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Thanks for the advice. Embee: Thank you for the website. I have briefly checked it out and will go more in-depth when I have time. My neighbor came over to apologize and I didn't even let her inside the doorway. My daughter came bounding over with her big brown eyes and smiled at her neighbor. When my neighbor said, "I am sorry for hurting you and.." she was going to continue, but I stopped her because I didn't know what else was going to come out of her mouth. I started crying because my daughter wrapped her arms around my neighbor's legs and gave her a hug. I quickly said "Tell B. Goodbye" and she said bye bye and then I shut the door (in her face.) After that I scooped my girl and hugged and kissed on her and told her she was such a nice girl. It just makes me so sad because she got spanked and yet she still came running in to say hi. It just amazes me. She has not spanked herself today and I hope it is over. I have not been focused on the subject so hopefully she has moved on. HOW CAN PEOPLE HIT THEIR CHILDREN! HOW? HOW? HOW?


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## dex_millie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
Thanks for the advice. Embee: Thank you for the website. I have briefly checked it out and will go more in-depth when I have time. My neighbor came over to apologize and I didn't even let her inside the doorway. My daughter came bounding over with her big brown eyes and smiled at her neighbor. When my neighbor said, "I am sorry for hurting you and.." she was going to continue, but I stopped her because I didn't know what else was going to come out of her mouth. I started crying because my daughter wrapped her arms around my neighbor's legs and gave her a hug. I quickly said "Tell B. Goodbye" and she said bye bye and then I shut the door (in her face.) After that I scooped my girl and hugged and kissed on her and told her she was such a nice girl. It just makes me so sad because she got spanked and yet she still came running in to say hi. It just amazes me. She has not spanked herself today and I hope it is over. I have not been focused on the subject so hopefully she has moved on. HOW CAN PEOPLE HIT THEIR CHILDREN! HOW? HOW? HOW?

I am usually the odd one here but I was wondering how old is your neighbor? I know usually the older, back in the day ones think it is acceptable ( my father and his siblings were spanked my their neighbor too). I am suprise someone in this day and age would do that to someone else child considering all the things going on.

This is where I might get flamed: You want your child to be angry w/ her just like you are, the wonderful things about kids are that they can forgive and forget at such a young age. Imagine if young children held grudges like that, I know some parents here on MDC slip up, I am sure they are glad their child comes running back to them for hugs and kisses and everything is forgiven and forgotten in the young child mind. I would believe the neighbor has learnt her lesson but you was there to here the sincerety in her voice.

I personally wouldn't stop being her "friend". Or right now I should not be talking to my sister, which when corrected, never did it again and is starting to realize it doesn't need to be done.


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

I personally wouldn't cut off contact. I know that you are mad, and it was completely inappropriate and unacceptable for your neighbour to do but I think she's probably learned her lesson and won't do it again.

I don't think I would let neighbour babysit again, but I don't think it's worth cutting off a friendship for one mistake. Also she apologised and I think forgiveness is a good thing to model to our children.

Just my two cents. I'm sorry that your daugther got smacked and I hope that she worked through it all now.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

On the contrary, I believe I should NOT be her friend. You see, when I was little, my parents left me with a farm neighbor and they would smack me (often with a belt) and even when I was old enough to tell my mom I did not like it, she was still friends with the lady and they still are to this day. I felt uncomfortable to say the least and I felt betrayed by my mom. This woman KNEW I did not believe in hitting or spanking or even hand slapping and she did it anyway. That right there pissed me off and I want my daughter to trust me and know I will not tolerate ANY kind of behavior like that nor will remain friends to someone who has hurt my child to the point of tears and upset. Sorry if I sound harsh, but that is my belief. So far we are back to "normal" routine and she appears fine. I just move on and if it comes up again I will address it. I also don't expect my daughter to be mad at her, it just amazes me how children can forget and forgive. I was amazed, not trying to turn my daughter against her at all.


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