# 8 year old (who doesn't need one) wants a bra



## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

My dd will be 8 next week. She's in 2nd grade. A few months ago she asked me for a bra!







I asked her why she wanted one and she said other girls in her class have them. I was thinking surely not, as none of the kids in her class need a bra yet, at least not the ones she says have them. She wears uniform shirts, red white and blue. The white ones are somewhat see-through and I was thinking this was a modesty issue. I bought her some camis thinking that would solve her need for something with her white shirts. When I brought the camis home she was very disappointed and said she wanted a real bra.

So this week she asked me yet again. She has asked me several times between the cami purchase and now. I asked again who at school was wearing bras and she named a few girls and said they showed her their bras in the bathroom. A few days ago I was cleaning and decluttering and found a sports-bra style training bra that a girl left at our home when she spent the night last year. Dd asked if she could wear and I said sure. She has worn it to school three days this week! She really wants her own bras.

I'm wondering what to do about this. On one hand I really don't see the harm in it. On the other hand, if this is about peer pressure I don't want to participate in that. I'm just not sure what the motivation for wanting the bra really is. She admits she doesn't need one yet for support or modesty. She wants one because her friends have them and I think it makes her feel grown up. I had always imagined I would one day notice her "blooming" and take her bra shopping at that time, certainly not for a couple more years.

Can someone help me out here? What would you do in this situation? I am learning towards letting her have some bras of her own, but my other mom friends are appalled that I would do that and say no way! 2nd grade is way too early.


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

I think there are bigger battles to fight then weather or not an 8yo wears a sports bra. To me, this is a small issue, and I would get her a couple sports-type bras.

I'm concerned about the peer pressure and the school dynamic that has students showing each other their bras in the school bathroom, though. So while I would buy a couple bras, I would also be checking in with the teacher and the school, and with other parents about creating and maintaining a healthy dynamic for girls in the school.


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## neptunemama (Jun 20, 2005)

I don't have an answer but I'm in a similar situation. My 9 yr old dd is just getting breast buds and wants a bra. Not for modesty or even other kids having them, but b/c she's read books about her body and can't wait to wear a real bra. She has a couple of camis (I went this route too) and she loves them and wears them all the time. But for Christmas she's asked for a bra. I haven't decided if I'll get it for her. I like the sports bra idea, I think that's great.


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## tinyblackdot (Aug 31, 2007)

Oh please please please let me have a tom boy......

best of luck mama!


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

I"d buy them for her, if you do Christmas put them in her stocking. It is something that she may outgrow quickly for another 1-2 years. My 10yo has some sports bras, she doesn't need them but she wears them now & then.

Out of all the peer pressure things this is one I don't mind doing as it's something they'll be wearing sooner than later anyhow & if it helps ease their minds about it, not make them feel so self conscious & open the talks about their bodies & sex I'll take it.

Of course I was in grade 6 & not wearing a bra 1 day to wearing a 32B the next, ended up with the largest breasts in my grade(and one of the largest in our highschool which was 7-12), was the 2nd girl to get AF & that was also in grade 6.


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## library lady (Sep 3, 2007)

Both of my girls have wanted bras at various times and they are 7 & 4. I say go with the sports bras. I have gotten both of my girls sports type bras/under-roo type things. I don't see the harm in it at all. My girls don't have peer pressure from school but they want them so they can be like mom. I am sure that your daughter has seen your bras before. I think it is perfectly healthy and normal for a kid to want to start growing up. Don't make it into a battle. My mom was a bra monster and somehow managed to shame us.


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## pumpkinhead (Sep 15, 2003)

I'd let her have a bra. I remember wanting one well before I needed one. It made me feel very grown up.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

This would be an issue where I personally would put my foot down. Sexualizing little second grade girls this young is just plain wrong in my opinion. I wouldn't want my second grader to "feel grown-up" in that way.

I would explain that I understand why she wants one and that it's hard not to have something other girls do, but that in our family we don't believe in putting little girls in young women's underwear that they don't need. Obviously others feel like there are bigger battles and wouldn't choose to die on this particular hill. But I would.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

This would be an issue where I personally would put my foot down. Sexualizing little second grade girls this young is just plain wrong in my opinion. I wouldn't want my second grader to "feel grown-up" in that way.

I would explain that I understand why she wants one and that it's hard not to have something other girls do, but that in our family we don't believe in putting little girls in young women's underwear that they don't need. Obviously others feel like there are bigger battles and wouldn't choose to die on this particular hill. But I would.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

I would let her have one. I still remember trying to discretely change my shirt in gym in 6th grade, hoping nobody would notice I didn't wear a bra. Most of the other girls had bras and I didn't. I can't recall if I really needed one at the time or not. I was much too shy to actually ask my mom, but paid (yes paid) my sister to drop hints to my mom. I prayed for every gift giving occasion (valentines, birthday, xmas, etc) that I would get a bra. For me, it was nothing sexual at all, just wanting to feel grown up. Similar to playing dressup with my mom's heals in early elementary.

I was also picked on quite a bit and always hoped it would help. Of course it didn't, but I at least knew I had done what I could.


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## KatWrangler (Mar 21, 2005)

I say go for it and get her a bra or two.


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## library lady (Sep 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
This would be an issue where I personally would put my foot down. Sexualizing little second grade girls this young is just plain wrong in my opinion. I wouldn't want my second grader to "feel grown-up" in that way.

I would explain that I understand why she wants one and that it's hard not to have something other girls do, but that in our family we don't believe in putting little girls in young women's underwear that they don't need. Obviously others feel like there are bigger battles and wouldn't choose to die on this particular hill. But I would.

I guess I don't understand how wearing a bra is sexualizing a child. In our house, breasts are just another body part. My girls see the breasts as a way of nourishing a child since they were all breastfed and have seen their siblings breastfed. There are plenty of sports bras out there that are very appropriate for a young girl. I guess I just don't understand your point of view. I find it disturbing that letting a kid wear a bra is sexualizing them. I guess that is part of the reason that I felt so much shame as a kid. Certain things, like bras and body parts, were sexualized rather than just being a body part or an article of clothing.


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I was shocked when the 4 year old down the street showed me her bra the other day. Yes, they do make bras for 4-year-olds. They look just like a bra (not like a sports bra) only of course they are flat with no cup.

Apparently most the girls in her preschool class have them









I guess its the new phase.

I'd get her one if she really wants one. Not permitting it gives it too much power. It doesn't seem to be sexualizing, at least not at these ages.


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## PushPineapple (Aug 4, 2008)

I clearly remember being teased for not yet wearing bras when the other girls had started. My mom got me some and then I was teased for wearing a bra when I didn't need one. You can't win..but I'm glad my mom didn't object.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
This would be an issue where I personally would put my foot down. Sexualizing little second grade girls this young is just plain wrong in my opinion. I wouldn't want my second grader to "feel grown-up" in that way.

I would explain that I understand why she wants one and that it's hard not to have something other girls do, but that in our family we don't believe in putting little girls in young women's underwear that they don't need. Obviously others feel like there are bigger battles and wouldn't choose to die on this particular hill. But I would.

I'm usually on the side of protecting kids from teasing whenever humanly possible.

However, I have to agree with zinemama here. At what age are we going to say enough is enough - let our kids be kids?

There are girls in my dd's SK class (so ages five and six) who have 'bras' (in quotes because they are not REAL bras) and I think it's disgusting.

Now five and six is younger than eight, but still, I think it's horrible.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

How in the world is a bra sexualizing anything? Especially a sports bra, they're nothing more than a short cami. Even moreso for an 8yo when there are 8 & 9yo's getting AF. My 10yo started getting pubic hair before she turned 9. She was in Grade 4, there were kids in her class who had AF.

Letting your kids be kids is fine, but you also need to recognize when they're growing up & in the moments when they want to act older to let them. It is momentary & passes.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I don't think bras are sexual and it wouldn't bother me to get a child a bra before she needed one. Don't they still make "trainer bras" just for that purpose? I was a late bloomer and I was glad for those because they made me look less silly when getting dressed for gym. Anyway, if my daughter wants a bra at 8, I'll just get her one. It's just underclothing.

Edited to add that I won't shop at Victoria's Secret or anything. I'll get a plain, functional looking, sports bra type thing.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I bought my DD a couple bra and underwear sets in her size (8). The bra is more of a halter-sports bra type with tinkerbell undies to match. It is very little girlish, more like a short undershirt, yk?

If she was asking for a lacy padded bra and g-string, I would have said no. But what I bought fulfilled her want for a bra. She only wears one every so often, when she wears the matching underwear.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

I remember asking my mom for a bra when I was 9. She laughed and said I had nothing to put in it







but she bought me a couple of horrible training bras anyway. I think I wore them for about a week and then they sat in my dresser drawer until grade 6.

DSD has a few of those thin cotton bras - they're kind of like a sports bra but really there's nothing to them, they're so thin. But they come with cute printed patterns, much more fun than the one beige, one white itchy training bras I had. Her mom thinks they will help with the sore nipples she's getting as she starts to develop... which I doubt, but if she wants to wear them it's fine with me!


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

OMG. i can sooooooo relate. i was ur kid. and my mom bought me the bra.

oh i cant tell you how proud i was. i still remember that moment. i went and showed off to my favourite people. oh it was wonderful.

my dd is 6. she totally wants to be so much like me. she wanted a bra just like mommy. she loved it. bought some of those camisole kinda thingys and then found bras at a dollar store. my dd was in heaven. made a big deal out of it for about a month. and now they sit in a corner in her drawer.

i think i did the same thing. i can tottally describe the details of my first bra. once the novelty wore off i was done with them.

about peer pressure. for me some things are ok - even if it is peer pressure. not all of peer pressure is bad.

another thing to note too is ur child's personality. for me - though hse is only 6 - no makes it a bigger issue. i can thougth relate to the peer pressure thing. i recall one thing from my youth though. peer pressure is healthy. i recall understanding the pressure when i did it to ape them and found i didnt really like it at all. so when my parents allowed me to make the decision it actaully ultimately took the peer presssure off of me. kwim. while others were drinking and smoking - whether they liked it or not, i just wasnt interested in it at all. i had discovered all that they hold 'holy' werent 'holy' in my books.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

OMG. i can sooooooo relate. i was ur kid. and my mom bought me the bra.

oh i cant tell you how proud i was. i still remember that moment. i went and showed off to my favourite people. oh it was wonderful.

my dd is 6. she totally wants to be so much like me. she wanted a bra just like mommy. she loved it. bought some of those camisole kinda thingys and then found bras at a dollar store. my dd was in heaven. made a big deal out of it for about a month. and now they sit in a corner in her drawer.

i think i did the same thing. i can tottally describe the details of my first bra. once the novelty wore off i was done with them.

about peer pressure. for me some things are ok - even if it is peer pressure. not all of peer pressure is bad.

another thing to note too is ur child's personality. for me - though hse is only 6 - no makes it a bigger issue. i can thougth relate to the peer pressure thing. i recall one thing from my youth though. peer pressure is healthy. i recall understanding the pressure when i did it to ape them and found i didnt really like it at all. so when my parents allowed me to make the decision it actaully ultimately took the peer presssure off of me. kwim. while others were drinking and smoking - whether they liked it or not, i just wasnt interested in it at all. i had discovered all that they hold 'holy' werent 'holy' in my books.


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## flowers (Apr 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
This would be an issue where I personally would put my foot down. Sexualizing little second grade girls this young is just plain wrong in my opinion. I wouldn't want my second grader to "feel grown-up" in that way.

I would explain that I understand why she wants one and that it's hard not to have something other girls do, but that in our family we don't believe in putting little girls in young women's underwear that they don't need. Obviously others feel like there are bigger battles and wouldn't choose to die on this particular hill. But I would.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *library lady* 
I guess I don't understand how wearing a bra is sexualizing a child. In our house, breasts are just another body part. My girls see the breasts as a way of nourishing a child since they were all breastfed and have seen their siblings breastfed. There are plenty of sports bras out there that are very appropriate for a young girl. I guess I just don't understand your point of view. I find it disturbing that letting a kid wear a bra is sexualizing them. I guess that is part of the reason that I felt so much shame as a kid. Certain things, like bras and body parts, were sexualized rather than just being a body part or an article of clothing.


Although I can appreciate your sentiment zinemama, I have to agree with library lady. My parents were very into "putting their foot down" and refusing to sexualize my childhood and it really hurt our relationship in that I learned that I could never be honest with them about how I really felt and also in turn could not be honest about what was really going on in my peer group because they were so against/appalled by it. I was in a very conservative Catholic school, my tv and music was strictly monitored to avoid all that sexuality but it was still there and not having my parents to help guide me through it was very upsetting. I used to sneak and buy deoderant b/c they told me I didn't need it. I snuck and bought razors to shave my legs. It was such a real part of my peer group and denying it was of no help. Like library lady, my parents spin on some of innocent wants helped to create a secrecy and shame to my healthy emerging self. This all occurred between 4-7 grade but I hear things are happening earlier for girls these days.

This is a real part of the OP's daughters experience and I think it is important for her to be heard. Is there a solution that makes everyone feel comfortable? She didn't like the cami, but the sports bra certainly fits the bill without sexuality. I mean seriously, a sports bra is not sexual. We think its cute when our daughters carry their baby dolls in slings and pretend to nurse
and I don't think we need to assume wearing a modest piece of underwear is anymore sexual than the act of nursing. Breasts are a reality.

I think this can be a really eye opening experience for both mom and daughter as your start to navigate these waters. You could look at this as an opportunity to notice and start conversing about what the reality of her peer group is. That is how you can best guide her.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Get her some bras. She wants to wear them, what is it hurting to let her?

I understand not wanting your child to do something just because her friends are doing it, but when it comes to something like this, it seems harmless enough to me.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I get that you don't think she needs a bra, and I am sure she does not need one. (One of my kids is this age and has not asked for, and she sure does not 'need ' one, although I would get her one if she asked).

However, for whatever reason, real or sociological, she wants one. I would get her one and not make it a big deal.

She wants a piece of fabric because I assume she wants to feel included.

I would weigh her emotional need for a bra against your need to not want her to have a bra and go from there.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

That was a really nice post, Flowers, and it raises some good points. If we tell our kids no to requests like this, they could interpret it as though we're saying that we aren't willing to help them negotiate their path to womanhood or something. And then they'll feel a need to deal with that and other things on their own, maybe.


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## Jenelle (Mar 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
This would be an issue where I personally would put my foot down. Sexualizing little second grade girls this young is just plain wrong in my opinion. I wouldn't want my second grader to "feel grown-up" in that way.

I would explain that I understand why she wants one and that it's hard not to have something other girls do, but that in our family we don't believe in putting little girls in young women's underwear that they don't need. Obviously others feel like there are bigger battles and wouldn't choose to die on this particular hill. But I would.

I know that you are just trying to be the best mom you can be, as most of us are... That's why I just have to say that your post makes me feel sad for any daughters you have. Please try, really try, to see things from their point of view. In your house it may be something other than a bra. Whatever it is, when you choose to "put your foot down" and "die on a hill"... please remember that these children are going to grow up, they are going to make their own choices, and please think hard about what you want the relationship to be like in the difficult teenage years, and into their adulthood.

I can tell you from personal experience with my own mother, that this strategy may make you a winner in the short run, but could certainly make you lose *big* in the end.

To the OP: I remember being one of the last girls to have a bra, and got one long after I certainly felt like I needed it. Not having one made me feel so self-concious. Whether you feel that she "needs" one or not -- she feels it.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

flowers said it better than I ever could have. I honestly do not see any harm in buying a bra for a young girl. Whether she *needs* one or not.

Okay, and definitely not the kind in the ad on this thread, I really need to become a supporting member so I don't see those







*I* need a bra like that, though.

eta- (not sure if anyone else see's the same push up bra ad I do)


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *library lady* 
I guess I don't understand how wearing a bra is sexualizing a child. In our house, breasts are just another body part. My girls see the breasts as a way of nourishing a child since they were all breastfed and have seen their siblings breastfed. There are plenty of sports bras out there that are very appropriate for a young girl. I guess I just don't understand your point of view. I find it disturbing that letting a kid wear a bra is sexualizing them. I guess that is part of the reason that I felt so much shame as a kid. Certain things, like bras and body parts, were sexualized rather than just being a body part or an article of clothing.









I agree with this completely.


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

When a child doesn't need a bra and only wants one to feel grown-up or "in", yes it absolutely is sexual. If the girl actually had breasts than it would be more of a necessity.

I think peer pressure is horrid and I wouldn't want my child growing up to be a follower. I would talk to her about why she doesn't need a bra and why she feels the need to be like everyone else.

I mean, if it's a bra today, what about when your 10 y/o wants to wear thong underwear. What then?


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

A modest bra is not equivalent to thong underwear. That isn't a valid comparison. If a child wanted a bra equivalent to thong underwear, I'd say no to that.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
A modest bra is not equivalent to thong underwear. That isn't a valid comparison. If a child wanted a bra equivalent to thong underwear, I'd say no to that.


right. and that is why I said no padded skimpy looking bra (which they DO sell for little girls














or thong style underwear.

I get what you are saying SAHDS but I don't think it's the same thing. Have you seen the type of bra we are suggesting? It's pretty much a camisole half-shirt. Similar to a tankini bathing suit top just not down to thier tummy (which, should be okay since a bra is under your shirt, right?)

My DD, as far as I could tell anyway, wanted the bra and underwear set because one had tinkerbell on it and the other camp rock.








she wasn't even in school at the time (we had homeschooled) and her little girlfriends didn't wear any type of undershirt or bra. Not that all peer pressure is bad just that for us, it wasn't part of this "want". Again, she only wears them every once in a while. Not something she feels she "needs" to wear to feel ok.

If the kid was saying, "I want to be sexy and wear something like that!" then, I'd wonder why on earth she desired that. (mine doesn't even know what sexy is and to her, women have breasts to feed their babies).


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## pumpkinhead (Sep 15, 2003)

I agree with LibraryLady. I don't think that allowing a child to wear a bra is sexualizing her. A bra is an undergarment. Panties are an undergarment as well. Many little girls are very proud and excited to wear their "big girl panties". I don't see that there is a huge difference here.


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## pumpkinhead (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SAHDS* 
When a child doesn't need a bra and only wants one to feel grown-up or "in", yes it absolutely is sexual. If the girl actually had breasts than it would be more of a necessity.


Can you please explain to me how it is sexual, because I sincerely don't get it.


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## Jenelle (Mar 12, 2004)

So if a child wants to wear a sock hat in the summer, when it clearly isn't needed, because she saw someone else do it and thought it was cool, is that sexual?

I'm sorry, SAHDS, I think *you* are the one making this sexual, not the OP's daughter. And when I say you, I am speaking to anyone who sees this even remotely as a sexual thing. This child is in second grade. When I was dying to get a bra in FOURTH grade, it had nothing to do with sex, I didn't even know about sex. It was the same kind of thing to get excited about as starting your period, getting ears pierced, wearing makeup, getting contacts, or any other number of things that a girl looks forward to doing as she grows up and matures.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

The idea that a little girl (age 8) is already feeling the pressure to fit into a certain image to fit in with a peer group is much more troubling to me than the issue of the bra itself. I hate that our children already are concerned with these things! Not surprising given the entertainment that is marketed to younger and younger children.

Personally I would have thought it horrible that a child wanted a bra until I had a dd who wears bathing suits as "the underwear to cover my nurses". She sees me put on a bra and she wants to do it too. Nothing sexual about it as she is 3 (no tv, no media, we homeschool, etc). Little girls want to be like big girls. Part of that is to wear what they wear.

I would just buy her the bra, but be mindful that she is increasingly susceptible to image pressures and work to maintain a good sense of self for her. Keeping the lines of communication open will go much further in that regard than putting your foot down or diminishing her requests.

Good luck


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

I'm back! Wow what a lively discussion! I am so glad I have your insight and so thankful I can post about it somewhere and get thoughtful replies. It makes me a better mom!







:

I am thinking back to my own childhood. I was raised by my single father and he didn't want me to grow up. It was a neighbor lady who finally took me out to get a training bra. When I wanted to shave my legs I was not allowed to, and I was teased horribly about it. I don't want my dd to have that same experience. I have to remember too, that this is a different generation.

I did find out today that they were not showing each other in the bathroom as I thought she had told me-- they were showing each other at recess. I was like "You pull up your shirts outside in front of everyone?" and she said no, they just pull down the top of the shirt a little to show it.

I am not sure it's about peer pressure so much anymore. Maybe a little, because the girl she admires the most is wearing a bra. But she also said she was teased by a couple of other girls about it, who did not have bras. I told her I felt bad that she was being teased, and she said "I don't care if they tease me or not. I want to wear a bra if I want to!" I then asked her why (again) and she said both because the other girls were wearing them and also because it was more comfortable because she doesn't feel her shirt rubbing her in the front as much.

I am honored that she told me about her need and her feelings, and how open she was with me. I really want to keep that door of communication open. She talks to me a lot about other kids at school, her thoughts about different things, her dreams for the future. I do set limits when it's reasonable to do so, and she knows it. She also trusts me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SAHDS View Post
When a child doesn't need a bra and only wants one to feel grown-up or "in", yes it absolutely is sexual. If the girl actually had breasts than it would be more of a necessity.
I know a lot of grown women who technically don't need bras but that doesn't mean they don't want to wear them. In some cases they just provide protection against skin chafing or put a little padding in the right place.









Quote:

However, for whatever reason, real or sociological, she wants one. I would get her one and not make it a big deal.
UU mom you are absolutely right. I told her so. Tomorrow we will go and get her a few sports bra style ones. When I told her that she got a big smile on her face and hugged me.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I don't think it is only peer pressure................mommy wears a bra also.

I don't think this act/desire has anything into being sexual but everything to want to be grown up.

8 year olds will also do things like sneak tampons/pads and "experiment". It isn't sexual just curious about growing up.

Get some more sport bra type bras and don't fight it. Don't make it more sexual than it is. I will warn you you might see her lift the bra and pretend to nurse a doll still.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

My dd wants one too! I will NOT buy one simply because a few girls at school have them. I think it is all part of girls growing up too fast. What next. . .shaving???

Amy


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AAK* 
My dd wants one too! I will NOT buy one simply because a few girls at school have them. I think it is all part of girls growing up too fast. What next. . .shaving???

Amy

Amy read my update if you want more of the story . .

about shaving though, my dds have dark black hair and if they want to shave early that's fine with me-- whenever they can prove they can do it safely and they want to for a good reason. I was made to wait to shave and the teasing gave me emotional scars. My dd already wears deodorant sometimes because I noticed an odor coming from her a couple of times over the summer. I leave it up to her though, and I know she will know when to wear it because she's pretty aware of her body.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

My 7y.o wanted one a few months ago. She doesn't attend school and even her 9, 10 y.o. friends don't wear them so it definately wasn't peer pressure...I'
m not even sure where the desire came from. Anyway, it turned into a non-issue pretty quickly. I think she wore it 3 times around the house and hasn't been seen since.


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## Meg_s (Apr 13, 2006)

I was a TOTAL tomboy but I wanted a bra when I was 9. It had nothing to do with peer pressure, but I read a book about a girl getting her first bra and it made me want one too, it felt grown up and important


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## sagemomma (Jul 12, 2008)

ok i'll bite. you can tell her the story of sagemomma , i was 8 when i asked my mother for a bra. the other girls were wearing them, and i wanted one too. it was very eciting, my mom took me out and helped me pick out a cite little white training bra with a little yellow bow in the middle, i loved it. it was a very important time for me that my mom supported my wanting a bra, and it was very embarrissing for me to ask but she responded with care and compassion. ..... fastforward almost 20 years. sagemomma never got her boobies *pout* *cry*. been barely an A cup my whole life,smallest in my whole family. maybe i should have fixated on other things at that age, then i wouldn't be so dissapointed. but still it is very important to support her , i think it would have been crushing for my mother to tell me i didn't need one, i can't explain it it was just very important to me. good luck, buy her a couple cute training bras and she'll be happy.


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## Jenelle (Mar 12, 2004)

So glad to hear your decision, OP! You sound like a great mama. I had already thought to myself that it was great you were coming here to discuss it, and that that is a sign of really wanting to work it out... Instead of just putting your fingers in your ears and saying "La la la la la, I can't hear you! I don't want you to grow up!" I don't even have any girls, but this thread struck a chord with me. I do have nieces I am close with.

Which brings me to the shaving issue... and... YEP, that's probably what comes next! Brace yourself mamas!


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## sagemomma (Jul 12, 2008)

i just read your last reply , and yay for your daughter. she'll remember this day her whole life. make it special. it is the first step towards her being able to trust you and be open with you as she grows up. keep that door open mama.


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

my eight year old tomboy asked recently if she could have camis/sports bras-some of her shirts were rubbing her in tender areas and she was uncomfortable. It's really not about premature "sexualization"-I used to wear a layer of undershirt when I was her age for the same reason-how is it any different?


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

After reading all the replies, I can see the reasoning behind going with it. If my dd was more adamant (and maybe if there was more than 2 girls at school with one) I would be willing. However, when she mentioned it, I brought her to that section of the store and pointed out the little trainers, camis, and sport bra style things. That is not what she wanted. She wanted one that looked a little "too" grown up (padded--made her look like she had something). It was very cute and I would agree if she were a couple years older whether or not she had boobs. The reason she didn't want the others were because they weren't "fashionable" or "hot".

While I don't think bras are part of sexualizing the girls (as some have argued on this board), I do think that depending on the child and motive they can subtly shorten childhood. And I know that many of you think that this isn't the same as a "thong" but I do know girls that are asking for those at 10. And they did get the bras at 8. I think if you get all the "grown up" stuff now, you don't have that to look forward to.

I certainly wouldn't want my dd to have to hide while dressing because she was the only one without a bra. And if our family did have very dark hair, I would buy an electric shaver or something. Also, deodorant has been purchased already (she was in a play and the director asked the everyone wear some). I won't alienate her from others. But 8 is very young for a bra.

Also, seriously--wanting one because mom wears one. I don't buy that argument at all for an 8 yr old. Maybe for the 4 yr old. My dd wouldn't be caught dead in a bra that resembles mine! The girls are imitating teenagers, pop stars, and Bratz dolls--not their mothers.

Amy

PS Just asked dd "why did she want a bra a while back". . . her answer was because she wants to be more grown up.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

I can see all the sides of this argument. Recently, an acquaintance took her 6-yo bra-shopping, and I remember feeling horrified and disgusted that she'd allow her SIX year old to wear a bra. Then I thought about it, and realized it was probably a situation much like the one we're discussing here.

I hate, hate, hate it that this society "sexualizes" breasts to begin with. Maybe if we don't make such a big deal out of it with our own daughters, it won't play so much into the trend. A sports-style tank-type bra, or cami, may not be such an issue. And if the little girls are anything like I was, they'll wear them for awhile until the newness wears off, then toss them in a drawer until they're actually needed.

My DD is 3 right now. I have two other daughters but I haven't raised them. One is 13 and one is 10, and I've missed the bra-thing with both of them. Their paternal grandmother took care of it (in ways I didn't agree with, but that's another story). The daughter who's 3 will hopefully not want a bra at age 6, but if she does, it'll have to be one of the sports-style things and nothing lacy or padded. Another poster on here mentioned a 4-yo with a bra... and I think I might have to draw some kind of line there. Maybe a little undershirt with a bow and lacy straps? But not a bra or bra-like garment... *sigh* I don't even wanna think about it yet!!

On the other hand, I DO have my 5-yo son asking for a bra already.







We're sticking with the butterfly shirts for right now. I don't think I will be bra-shopping for him right away...


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## jennlyn (Jul 15, 2007)

I have no issues with little girls wanting sports bras or cami types, but I have seen some of the little underwired padded jobs they sell and think that is disgusting. To put that on an undeveloped little girl is sexualizing her in a way- you are putting a garment meant for a developed woman on a child. It reminds me of child beauty pageants where girls with baby teeth put fake teeth over them to make them look older or cover a missing tooth. Why can't they just look like the little girls they are?


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## Jenelle (Mar 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AAK* 
Also, seriously--wanting one because mom wears one. I don't buy that argument at all for an 8 yr old. Maybe for the 4 yr old. My dd wouldn't be caught dead in a bra that resembles mine! The girls are imitating teenagers, pop stars, and Bratz dolls--not their mothers.

I just had to lol at this... sorry. I guess it depends on what type of bra you wear as a mother. Yes, I am the mother of 3 boys. Yes, I nursed them all and had plain old nursing bras that got used over and over and became worn. But then I also made sure to get myself some beautiful ones to wear again, because although I have become a mother, I am still very much a woman, and a wife.


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## Sparks* (Feb 3, 2008)

when I was about 11, I asked my mom for my first bra. I didn't need it whatsoever, but my mom just matter of factly took me to the store, measured me and bought me a bra. I remember trying to get the courage up to ask her for weeks, then being so relieved at how easy it was. I mostly just wanted one out of curiosity. I think I wore them for a couple of weeks, then put them away in my drawer. To this day I still very rarely wear a bra! Granted, the boob fairy never came for me









get her the bra!! it's only a big deal if you make it one. I could see a skimpy lacy one or something being innappropriate, but a sports bra seems totally reasonable to me.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

I'm glad you decided to get her one! The fact that she hugged you over it means it was really important to her. My dd is 8 and I recently asked her if the girls talk about having bras yet and she said no, but I know it can happen soon.

I asked my mom and she said I was around 8 when she got me my first bra which was also a camisole type thing.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jenelle* 
II just have to say that your post makes me feel sad for any daughters you have.

Dang, Jenelle, that's rather an unkind statement, don't you think?

Perhaps it's easier for me to comment on this since I don't have daughters and won't be having any, either. But I was a little girl once and I was also the kid who never had the stylie clothes, too. And I made up my mind early on that my kids were never going to be the ones at school to look oddly dressed. And they don't.

A bra for a 7yo, however, is something else. Unless she's started to go through early puberty, that is. Bras are for women's breasts, growing or grown. Of course breasts serve a purpose other than being sexual. (I do know where I'm online!) But they're sexual, too. And that's their primary perceived role in this society, like it or not (and I don't). I just think giving a bra to a 7yo (for reasons of peer pressure, moreover) contributes to the whole "encouraging them to grow up too fast" environment so many kids are being raised in. I'm not talking about preventing a 6th grader from wearing one, or a high school girl. But a seven-year-old!

I don't have an issue with a little girl playing dress-up with a bra. Heck, my 5yo boy loves to put on my bras. I understand the fun of feeling grownup in play. It's clearly the unpopular view, but I sincerely would not feel right about sending a 7yo to school in a bra.


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## Jenelle (Mar 12, 2004)

Zinemama, I wasn't trying to be unkind. That was truly how I felt about your post. "Putting your foot down" about something puts a vision in my mind of just -- nope, no way, end of story... And I just don't feel that it applies in a situation like this one. I wasn't trying to say that I feel sorry for your daughters simply *because* they are your daughters -- it wasn't meant as a personal insult or anything... but rather picturing them trying to ask you about something like this that really means a lot to them, and you just being so closed-minded about it. You used two phrases in your post which, IMO, indicated that this was a situation where you *would not* negotiate, and yes, that made me feel sorry for any daughters you may have had. Because I know what it is like to grow up with a mother that I just plain did not understand, and could not relate to, and who I felt did not understand or relate to me either. I don't come here looking to be unkind -- that's NOT me -- I was just offering my viewpoint, which is part of why we do come here.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

Quote:

Perhaps it's easier for me to comment on this since I don't have daughters and won't be having any, either. But I was a little girl once and I was also the kid who never had the stylie clothes, too. And I made up my mind early on that my kids were never going to be the ones at school to look oddly dressed. And they don't.
I was easy for me to say that I too would never have imagined, before having my dd, that I would ever agree to a bra for a 7 (nearly 8) year old. I also said a lot of other things that I would do or would never do as a parent-- and then I was a parent and suddenly not so wise about these things.

My daughter is not a theoretical person-- she's a real person and she has real desires, and she looks me in the eye and asks for one in a sincere way, I have to consider the whole thing. I have to weigh the pros and cons and consider her feelings.

BTW I was the one at school who was "oddly dressed" and it was awful. My parents did not have money to provide me good clothes. My father, after he took custody of me, got me very out of style hand me downs from people at work. My own personal scars are one reason I have chosen a school for my dd that requires uniforms (a public charter school). I would never be able to afford the fashionable clothes that children want to wear.

This bra issue is not about fashion-- I think it's more about wanting to explore being grown-up. As someone said, why is it okay for a child to pretend to nurse but it's not okay for a child to wear a practice bra before they need to? I was raised in a very conservative family and that's why my first reaction was to be shocked and say no way will I let my dd get a bra. I'm glad the mamas here helped me to see the real story about what's going on with my dd.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I say buy her the bra. In fact I would buy my 5 year old a bra if she saw one and it fit her (I know she would want one). This drama about bra/no bra assumes breasts are sexual and that they are some big deal. To my girlie breasts = womanhood/mamahood/ability to nurse babies, and she wants that. I remember when she was two she put on a dress up armour thing from her friend's dress up chest and said it was her bra and she was a mama. She walked around so proud in that thing, it was the cutest thing ever.

I wouldn't make a big deal over the bra, just get it and she will wear it or not as she suits. it's her body.


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## MoonStarFalling (Nov 4, 2004)

I was that age when I started asking for a bra because my friend had one. I wanted to fit in. And I don't mean fit in with the IN crowd I mean fit IN as a WOMAN. They were just sports bras or simple white cotton things. I don't see anything sexual about that. I see it more as a celebration of becoming a woman. A little bit at a time of course.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

We just got back from the store.







She picked one red, one white, and one blue to go with her uniform shirts. And she is mighty proud.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

This was very helpful to me. My daughter will be 8 very,very soon and has already asked for a bra. She does have a little something there already and she claims they "jiggle" when she runs, so it makes her not want to run. She reads all the books on puberty (kid appropriate) and feels no pressure at all to have a bra, but she still wants one. I'm having a hard time accepting that it's OK for her to have a sports-type bra. I think I'll give in and go to the store with her soon. Thanks for the topic.


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## TopHat (Sep 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *USAmma* 
She wears uniform shirts, red white and blue. The white ones are somewhat see-through and I was thinking this was a modesty issue.

After reading the thread, I don't think this is an issue, but I originally wondered about the see through aspet. I know when I was in junior high and stuff girls would wear red/pink/other colored bras to show through their white shirts and I wondered if this is what was going on- which I would be concerned about because it _is_ sexualizing young girls.

Just something I was thinking about- not saying that's what was actually going on.


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## flowers (Apr 8, 2004)

I am really happy for you and your daughter USamma.








It sounds like you both are in a great place with it!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *SAHDS* 
When a child doesn't need a bra and only wants one to feel grown-up or "in", yes it absolutely is sexual. If the girl actually had breasts than it would be more of a necessity.

I think peer pressure is horrid and I wouldn't want my child growing up to be a follower. I would talk to her about why she doesn't need a bra and why she feels the need to be like everyone else.

I mean, if it's a bra today, what about when your 10 y/o wants to wear thong underwear. What then?

Well, we will bite that one off when we get there! The thing is its more about communication and honesty every step of the way rather than what one will allow for their children. Whether you as a parent allow or not they are very much involved in their own world and if you stop hearing them they will stop talking.

I'm not advocating buying a young girl a thong, but this is a huge reality for young women and I think the more understanding and open we are as mothers the more positive of an influence we can be for our daughters.

(also, some people are born followers and this isn't a bad thing- it just means they have to pick their leaders wisely. we all have different roles to play in society.)


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

I bought both of my girls bras. When they were 6 and 4, they both decided that they wanted to start wearing bras. Mostly, it was the 6yo that wanted the bra, and the 4yo wanted to be like her big sister. Like you, I tried to talk them into camis, but it wasn't what they wanted. So I did buy them some cheap sports-type bras from Target.

My younger child doesn't wear her bras very often, but my older DD still wears hers about 50% of the time, despite the fact that she does NOT need one. But I think it makes her feel grown up and important to wear one.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flowers* 
(also, some people are born followers and this isn't a bad thing- it just means they have to pick their leaders wisely. we all have different roles to play in society.)

Bravo!! Well said.


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## pumpkinhead (Sep 15, 2003)

Aww, I'm so glad she's so happy







.

FWIW, I remember wanting a bra. I didn't feel pressure for my peers to have one, but I wanted one just the same. I was so happy whem my mother took me to get one. I'll never forget it.


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## akwifeandmomma (Aug 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkinhead* 
I'd let her have a bra. I remember wanting one well before I needed one. It made me feel very grown up.

Me too.


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