# Full-term loss mamas: I need your words...



## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

Feeling a bit sad and broken...

I've posted a thread like this before, but I'm needing to hear encouraging words again. I hope that isn't annoying. I lost my daughter in January at 41 weeks and we started trying again in April. This is our 9th cycle trying. I'm 33. My OB says to be patient and to give it a year. I know this is rational. I want to be patient. but it's so difficult.

I just feel so frustrated. It's heartbreaking to have this inability to get pregnant on top of the loss. It feels in some ways like i'm experiencing the pain of her loss all over again each month when I start bleeding again. I feel selfish for complaining when there are women who try much longer to conceive, but it just feels like so long because we started trying for her almost 2 years ago now.

At 10 months post-partum now, I really feel as though my body is ready to conceive again. I'm in great physical health. And mentally I even feel ready too- at least as ready as I can be. There is just this horrific fear that creeps in sometimes... the fear that i'll never again be able to conceive... that I had this fleeting chance at motherhood that has now passed.

My loss testing all came back normal. I was hetero for the MTHFR mutation. If anyone has thoughts on that i'd love to hear it, but my research has shown that the hetero version shouldn't be one to worry about. Is this true? Husband's S/A was normal. My hormonal panel last month was normal. My cycles are fairly regular and normal looking: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/256f5e I'm obsessively trying to figure out what is wrong and fix it. I can't figure out what the problem is here. Is it just that at 33, it takes a little longer?

So, fellow stillbirth mamas, mamas of infants lost, how long did it take you to conceive again? Even if you conceived right away, will you share your story? I want to hear all of them because I want to get an idea of how long it takes people. I want to know if my experience is within the parameters of normal.

And to all of you, i'm so sorry you're here.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

We lost a son at term in '92. We were lucky enough to find a couples support group and many of the couples got pregnant right at the three month mark... putting them right back at their loss baby's due date for a subsequent baby. I didn't want that. I was in a very dark and angry place and needed time to heal and I did not want my subsequent babies to share birthday or due dates with the lost baby. We waited six months to try again. My son was lost in June... first subsequent baby was a December and the second subsequent baby was a February. I still freak out a bit for a day or two in June around his due date... it really sucks and I'm glad my living children don't have that baggage with their birthdays.

I was only 26 when I lost my first child, so I can't say that time was a factor for us. I can say I did get sad when I saw my period come in those months interim. Even the months I actively did not want to be pregnant... the period is a reminder that I wasn't anymore. Does that make sense?

Mild exercise, keeping a journal, taking a class or planning a special vacation... these things can really help. Nothing will ever make this right, but you can live your life to make grief bearable. I choose to believe that my son would want his mother to be happy.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry the journey to your rainbow baby is a long one.

I had Duncan at 35 weeks. We conceived Henry on my third cycle of charting at 5 months postpartum. We were pressed for time because we found out in February that DH was deploying to Afghanistan in April-May for a year. It really put a wrench in our TTC plans. I couldn't wrap my head around not being able to TTC for an entire year so I was hoping with everything I had that I'd get my BFP before he left. I did! I got my BFP a week before he left. DH came home on R&R Christmas morning and I had Henry the next day. DH went back to AFG two weeks later and returned home when he was 4 months old. My pregnancy was a roller coaster of emotions. There were a lot of emotional ups and downs. I wanted so much to be happy and filled with joy. I was happy, yes, but I was scared shitless. I was worried and paranoid a lot and never felt 'safe' or secure. I wanted to feel like everything was for sure going to be alright, but I would quickly go back to worrying and being anxious. It wasn't until he was born safely and I saw him breathing, pink and moving did I breathe a sigh of relief. I stayed up for hours just looking at him and making sure he was here to stay.

It was definitely bittersweet. Duncan was 'due' on Winter Solstice, December 21st and Henry was 'due' New Year's Eve.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I had a loss at 41 weeks during birth. I didn't regain fertility until 4 months PP, and we starting TTCing around that time. I was working with my OB that decided to start clomid and prometrium at 10 months PP because even using NFP (which we had used for years and we were successful at avoiding and conceiving) wasn't working. At 12 months PP, we conceived, and then m/c. We then adopted (although we weren't preventing a pregnancy at the time) and then ended up conceiving around 8 months after we completed the adoption.

I had never had any fertility issues or miscarriages until after we lost our son. I don't even consider what happened "fertility issues" because I really think my body just won't conceive until 12 months past a birth...the son we lost we conceived 12 months after my first was born. Then we conceived our pg that miscarried 12 months after our stillbirth. And I got my first PPAF back 13 months after DD2 was born (but she was a month early, so it happened at 12 months post her due date).


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *scarletjane*
> 
> Feeling a bit sad and broken...
> 
> ...


Big hugs to you.

I have had 9 miscarriages total, 6 prior to having my first child, and my first child was a perinatal loss due to a nuchal cord accident. (Live birth; she died 4 days later.)

I did not honestly think we would conceive and carry to term again, but we did get pregnant at the 9 month post-partum mark and he's now 5. For us that was miraculously fast.

It then took about 2.5 years of on-and-off trying (we had to take mental breaks) to have success with the baby I'm carrying now (we're at 29 weeks). We are admittedly pretty low-intervention with ART, but honestly my feeling has been that my fertility actually improved in my mid-30s; in our 20s we had no luck whatsoever.

It is very frustrating. Between losing Emily and having Noah my husband and I called ourselves "parents without portfolio" - we felt we had made the emotional transition to parenthood, particularly during the 4 days of our daughter's life, but we had no child at home. It was really a lot of pain, being in that in-between space. I was in contact with a family who had lost their only child at 17 yrs old and got some support and understanding from them. While you are waiting I hope that you can find some local support - a bereavement group or someone who will just have coffee once a month and listen. You can take care of you during this time while your body heals or you find the right approach. Feel free to PM me.


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## L J (Apr 6, 2006)

Scarletjane - I am glad to see you posting. I have been wondering a lot about you.

I am so sorry you still haven't conceived. Try not to beat yourself up or feel selfish - you have been through so much, and you have every right in the world to feel every emotion that you do.

AFM - I lost Jack at 36 weeks on August 23. I got pregnant again on my 2nd post partum cycle, cycle start date Oct 5, O date Nov 7. I began miscarrying on Nov 29. I am still bleeding, and waiting for everything to pass. So, yes, I am one of the "lucky ones" that got pregnant again very quickly, but instead of bringing hope and joy, this short pregnancy has just added to my existing pain and grief.

I can relate to you feeling like you may never have another child. I worry every day that something in me is just broken beyond repair. We are waiting for new insurance to go into effect, because of my DPs new job, so I have to wait a while to go to the doctor for the repeat loss testing. I had one early miscarriage before my living child was born, and then another one when my living child was just under a year old. Neither of those worried me, or even bothered me very much, but now that my son was stillborn and another m/c, I am feeling like there must be something terribly wrong with me. And, I'm 24, fwiw, so there are def younger mamas who go through this, too.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

My second son died within a day of his birth. DH and I were both in our late 30s and decided at the two month mark to try again thinking it would take a while. Well, I got pregnant the first month of trying. It was a shock. So, fast forward and our daughter's due date was a couple of weeks before our son's birthday. She came early at 37 weeks and was born exactly one month before the one year anniversary of our son's birth. She's a year and a half old now and looking back I see how much shock we were in throughout the whole grief/pregnancy process. Two years after our son's death we are still actively grieving. I don't know how long it will last but I have a feeling I'll always be in some stage of it for the rest of my life.

If you feel the delay in getting pregnant again is causing anxiety tell your doc you need to "do" something to keep you occupied. Go ahead and set up an appt with him for the next step (or if he plans to send you to a specialist after 12 months then set up that appt). You can set it for a couple of months out. At least you'll have it on your calendar and feel like you are doing more. Ya know?

Also, as others have suggested, have you tried counseling? I tried support groups but they didn't click. I was able to find a counselor who specializes in pregnancy/infant loss. She lost her first child and went on to have three more children. She was amazing to talk with just because she knew exactly what it was like. Talking about it may not help you get pregnant but it sure can relieve some of the stress and anger you are feeling over the delay. And, it may even help you be more prepared for your next pregnancy.

Hugs to you and I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I lost Aaron in November, 2007, during labour at 43 weeks gestation. DH and I wanted to wait to ttc, for various reasons (history of multiple c-sections, 4+ years of secondary infertility after my first, etc. - wanted to make sure my uterus was ready). However, I was 39 when Aaron was stillborn, so we didn't want to wait too long, either. There were a lot of ups and downs about what we were going to do. We finally started ttc in June of 2008, and I conceived in late September...three cycles. That's not a long time, but I'd already waited months to recuperate, and dh and I had a history of conception on the first attempt every time (the secondary infertility was with my ex). So, it seemed longer than it was...esp. as the clock was ticking. I don't know why it took us longer to conceive that time, but it does seem to be common after a stillbirth (anecdotal, from talking to people).

DD2 was born, healthy and happy, at term in June of 2009, 12 days after my 41st birthday. And, 33 isn't so old, even in reproductive terms. I wanted to have all my kids by the time I was 31, or 32 at the outside. As it happened, I had them at 24, 34, 37, 39 and 41. Take good care of yourself and try not to stress out about conception. Believe me, I know that's easier said than done, though.


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

wow. i'm touched that you all took the time to write such thoughtful, heartfelt responses, even though I'm sure it was painful to tell your own story. You have all given me hope already. And you've all made it feel a little more normal that it's taken so long. I think that's exactly what I needed.. to feel like this might take some time. I'm realizing too that 8 months of trying to conceive is a very different thing from trying to conceive 8 months post partum. I think that's what i'm forgetting. It took us 4 months to conceive our daughter, so I assumed it would take about that long this time (and i'd hoped even sooner). But the body really does need to repair after going through a pregnancy. Thank you for that reminder.

And oh, the pain in this forum. I cried reading all of these posts because it is just so awful how much heartbreak there is around baby loss. I shared in your grief, and gleaned some hope from it. Thank you for allowing me that. And I am so sorry for all of your losses.

You all are amazing, wise, wonderful women. thank you.


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## tippy (Mar 9, 2008)

i can relate so much to this post.

a month & a half ago i lost my 4.5 mo old baby boy to SIDS. i was EBF when we lost him. and i am currently trying to get pg. i think i *just* O'd (so that's taken 6 wks itself), but i won't know for a few more days if i will get my bfp. it's such a hard road, and i've been incredibly impatient myself. so i understand how you feel. he was my 1st, and i'm about to turn 30. and while i know that i have more time. for some reason, i feel that time is passing me by so quickly. and i just want to be a mommy again.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Scarletjane - I'm sorry for the loss of your little one.

I lost Norah in Nov 2007, conceived in my 2nd cycle, 4 mths PP, had my rainbow nov. 2008. pg again in aug 2009 and had 2nd rainbow april 2010. I been on this loss forum since Oct. 2006. I've seen momma's conceive immediately, those that wait on purpose, those that wait not by design. You are definitely within the realm of normal. I wish I could promise you that you will have your rainbow baby soon but I can't. Having support during these months is critical because of the extreme emotional lows. I can't promise you anything except to be here to listen and help as much as I can ((HUGS))

Tiffany ((HUS)) I"m sorry for your loss


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

you guys just break my heart. oh, tippy, i just cannot even imagine what you are going through. i really hope you are surrounded by support and love. And I so hope you get pregnant quickly. Losing my daughter was unbelievably heartwrenching, but i can only imagine how it would have been if i'd smelled her, known her, looked into her life-filled eyes. I never knew her in that way. thinking of that kind of loss just makes me feel like i'm going to crack. you won't though. you'll make it. you'll truly amaze yourself. will you PM me if you just want to talk or if you need anything? please know i'm thinking of you and wiping tears for you and your little one.

And Namaste_mom, you lucky lady with 2 rainbows!!! wow, that gives me so much hope. i would love to be on a similar path of 2 more babes really quickly here. i'd be thrilled with one, but that is a great way to do it. oh, mamas. what in the world would i do without all of you amazing ladies?


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I have been there, and it's hard. Started ttc in Dec 2007, conceived 6 cycles later, had a missed miscarriage and d&c. 2 months later we conceived Lachlan, who was born at 32 weeks and died 8 days later. I waited 3 months to heal from the c-section, and then it took a further 6 months to conceive again, and my rainbow dd was born in August.

I had those same fears. I was worried I was broken somehow and that I'd never conceive again. All around me it seemed that everyone else was pg. It felt like so long, and I wanted to be pregnant so bad. I was charting, taking robitussin, green tea, no caffeine, no alcohol, pre seed etc. It was a very hard period of my life. I too called my ob, worrying something was wrong. In the end it just took some more time. I really hope it happens for you soon. I'm so sorry for your loss, and all the heartache you're going through.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Scarletjane, I am so sorry your beautiful daughter is not in your arms.

I think what you are experiencing is well within the realm of "normal."

You are in my thoughts.

I lost my 4th child to a cord accident a few hours before he was born in June, 2007. I was 37 years old.

I began TTC at my 3rd cycle PP, and was blessedly lucky to get pregnant right away.

My rainbow son was born a bit more than a month before my lost boy's 1st angelversary . . .

no complications. It was both an anxious and joyous pregnancy . . . timing wise I'd do it again.

(I am hoping to welcome a second rainbow in mid-June.)


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

thank you so much to all of you for your replies. I can always count on you to give me hope. I'm just going to keep trying. That's all i can do!

hugs to you all.


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## downvalleygirl (Dec 8, 2007)

scarletjane, i am so sorry for your loss. i had a m/c at 7 weeks (i was 35) and it took us four months after that to get pg with my son, who died just after birth at 41 weeks. of course, i wanted to get pg right away. i had to wait, though, because i discovered i was hypothyroid and had to get that under control before trying again. six months post partum i was pg again (at 36) after our 2nd try. i conceived my second rainbow after a few tries (i was 39). so all this to say, i don't believe your fertility is necessarily compromised with age. i also have heard so many stories of women trying for so long and then having irish twins! so try to keep up the hope, stay healthy, enjoy your husband, get outside, love love love - and you will get pregnant!!


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

I lost my son at 23 weeks and I am currently 5.5 months postpartum and have not conceived yet. We have been actively TTC for 3 cycles now. I'm very sorry you are having a rough time TTC again scarletjane! This is such a tough road!!


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## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

Sorry to all of you for your losses. We lost our son at 35w3d back in 2005 and tried for 11 months before we concieved DD. It is good that you are using fertilityfriend.. I didn't realize I wasn't "the norm" and ovulate on day 14 of a 28 day cycle- I ovulate on day 17 of a 24 day cycle. We tried daily between the temperature dip and the spike and sometimes for a day or 2 after... the first month we tried that, we concieved. I seriously thought we had fertility issues because we tried for so long. We never EVER got a positive reading on an ovulation predictor test, oddly.

I wish you the best... just keep on charting and DTD! Best wishes!


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## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

Oh- also, DH started taking maca the month we concieved... I don't know if that had anything to do with it though. we tried every trick we came across.


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