# Son's obsession with circumcision



## mvdb (Oct 30, 2005)

I'm new here and the reason I've joined is to hopefully get advice on how to handle my dilemma. My ds turned 7 in August and weren't circumcised at birth although dh is and he wanted ds to be like him. I wasn't against circumcision before ds was born but decided to do some research after a friend advised me to do so before deciding and was not at all convince anymore that circumcision was the way to go so dh and I came to a compromise to let ds decide for himself when he is old enough.

A few months before his 7th birthday ds brought up the issue of him being different from a friend and would like to be like this friend and I explained to him why we didn't have him done and that I think he was still too young to decide for himself. He then asked " Can I have it done when I'm 7?" and I said okay, thinking he'll probably forget about it for a few years at least.

Well 3 days after his birthday while taking a bath he asked me when was I going to take him to the doctor to get "my skin cut off" was his words. I told him again I thought he was still too young and he said "But you promised" and I said he'll have to wait another few years. Since then I've caught him a couple of times with his pants down and his foreskin retracted on which I moaned at him. Over the last couple of weeks he seem to have his hand inside his pants often and he told me he was keeping his skin back when I asked.

I was hoping it was just a passing phase but he seemed to be getting more obsessed about it. Yesterday I caught him putting a rubber band around his penis and I was horrified. He told me it was to try and keep his skin retracted. He also refuses to wear underwear lately and I'm not sure if it is because it's easier to get to his penis or what.

The rubber band incident was the last straw and I'm at my wits end. If it weren't Saturday yesterday, I probably would have marched him straight to our GP to get him circumcised. Hopefully someone here can give me some advice that would work or else it's off to our GP tomorrow. Please help!!!

Mandy


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## Fi. (May 3, 2005)

Circumcision today, what tomorrow? He's at that age where he wants to fit in. I think we all go through this. Some of us wanted ear piercings, or push up bras, makeup, hair dye, your son wants his penis to be like his buddy's. It's no different than wanting a similar toy to a friend, but would you run out and buy a $200 toy just because his friend has it? I personally wouldn't. People are different, they have different things, different bodies. Letting our kids alter themselves (especially with something as drastic as cosmetic surgery) is not the way to teach them self-acceptance, it's pretty descrtive (IMO) and teaches them to go to extreme measures to "be like someone else".

For me, if my son wants it he can get it at the same age he can get a tattoo or other permanant body mod (exluding piercings, we're leinient on those as I had body piercings at 15 and saw no problem with it and still don't). Until then, he stays whole. I would not let my daughter get breast implants at 7 (or 13, or 15) and I wouldn't let my son be circumcised (for no medical reason) at that age either.


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## rootzdawta (May 22, 2005)

Hmmm . . . what a sticky situation. I wouldn't really know what to do because I know how important it is for children to fit in. Do you believe in the Creator? I think that if this issue ever came up with my own son, I'd have to refer him to the verse in the Bible that says that "I am beautifully and wonderfully made," reminding him that the way he is naturally is most beautiful regardless of what anyone else looks like. Also, I wouldn't give him the option to decide on that until he's older and explain to him that messing with the foreskin so forcefully could lead to problems and also explain to him the process of circumcision and how painful it is. Maybe he doesn't realize that it will be painful--remind him of a fall he had or a knee/elbow scrape and make him know circumcision is much worse. I hope you find a solution.


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## Girl Named Sandoz (Jul 16, 2002)

I'd probably worry that the reason he is so 'obsessed' with circumcision is the fact that he is bullied/ teased about it at school.

The fact that he mentions his buddy and 'wants to be like him' is a red flag for me. I had friends with black hair (I'm blond), straight hair (mine's wavy), friends who were short (I'm tall) etc etc -- but, it never meant I wanted to be like them. IMO, kids don't usually act like that (so obsessed, so desperate) unless there is some amount of social/ emotional/ psychological pressure.

I'd try to find out more from him. Why is it so important to look like his buddy? What are they saying to him? What is he hearing about circumcision?
etc.

And also ditto the previous poster on explaining the benefits of being intact, the functions of the foreskin etc.


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

I would never, ever let my minor child have cosmetic surgery. I don't care whether it's my 7 year old son wanting part of his penis chopped off or my 13 year old daughter wanting a boob job because her breasts haven't developed yet. My child is not old enough to decide whether to cut off parts of his body for no reason other than to "fit in" until he is 18 years old at a minimum.

I'm the parent, it's my responsibility to make informed decisions for my child that he or she is not yet capable of making. If my child tried to harm herself or himself because of perceived physical defects in her/his normal body, I would get IMMEDIATE professional help from a child psychologist.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Would you let a 12 year old girl have a boob job?

of course not.

-Angela


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## beansavi (Jun 26, 2005)

My son is ten and has asked about it at around three or four, but when we told him why we didn't he seemed to appreciate it. His friends didn't seem to make a big deal either, even though the circ'd ones were "different".

Perhaps that paricular friend or your hubby is making him feel that way? Maybe you could look into it, and if it is actually the friend, you can put his attention elsewhere with other friends or talk with his Dad. It's amazing what they pick up on that we are unconscious of.

It actually helped that we told our son he was bigger than if we had circ'd him!!!


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

First I would have a long sit down discussion why he was feeling this way. At his age something just isnt right about him being that obsessed with his forskin/penis. Maybe God forbid anouther adult has been talking to him about it *shudder* someone who has preconseved notions about what a forskin is for. He needs to be told how special it is and how special he is. Somehow he needs to start feeling comfortable with his own body. And definatly at his age I would never even consider having it done. When he hits his teens and realizes how fun it trully can be I am sure he will change his mind







expecially if u reinforce how he is a individual and even without the forskin he will still look different from everyone else.


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## lise brit (Apr 8, 2003)

Hi Mandy,

Welcome to our forum. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself and your son? I think the "obsession with circumcision" is interesting for a child that is only 7 years old.

I must say, from the e-mail it sounds like you have already decided to take your son to your GP to have him circumcised today. It also sounds like you have excellent healthcare since you can just "march him up there" and get him circumcised the same day.

So, please provide us with an update.

Sincerely,

Lise


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## hummingbear (Apr 17, 2003)

Adding my two cents:

The issue here is a child and his strong healthy identity.

INFORM HIM: Let him know that he could accidentally cause irreversible damage to himself when keeping himself retracted for a prolonged time.

BE A DETECTIVE: Uncover any sources which may be leading your son to have negative thoughts about his body. Will other parents help you?

YOUR THE ADULT HE IS THE MINOR: Tell him that he will have to wait until he is an adult to chose surgery for himself. Admit that you were wrong to have mentioned he could choose this at age 7 and that he does not have the authority to choose this for himself until he is an adult.

SCHEDULE A VISIT WITH A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST FOR YOURSELF TO GATHER PERTINENT INFO THAT WOULD ASSIST YOU

CONSIDER A VISIT WITH AN INTACT FRIENDLY DOCTOR TO DISCUSS THE ISSUE WITH YOUR CHILD:
Choose a doctor who will not perform circumcisions. Inform the doctor of your child's situation and that you will not approve of the surgery for him while he is still a minor.


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## kristenburgess (Sep 15, 2002)

I agree with what the others have said. I would be really concerned about your son's friendship. I don't see any reason that young children should be focusing on their genital areas. I know that for some boys locker room comparisons are normal but at seven years old it just sits wrong with me. A young child should not have to stand up to peer pressure about his genitals. I would consider finding new friends for your son to play with, or have him play where there is somebody supervising him with this particular friend. That is too much for a seven year old, imo.


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## LeosMama (Sep 6, 2005)

Okay, I don't want to be alarmist, but 7 years old?

I'm concerned that he's being molested. You need to get him to a child psychologist to have this evaluated. This is not a normal obsession, to have lasted so long and be so focused. Who is telling him his foreskin is icky? My guess is that this is an adult or older child (molester) or if it is a peer, is that child being molested?

Often when children become so focused on their genitals, there is a cause other than simple curiosity.


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## InnieTurnedOuttie (Sep 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LeosMama*
Okay, I don't want to be alarmist, but 7 years old?

I'm concerned that he's being molested. You need to get him to a child psychologist to have this evaluated. This is not a normal obsession, to have lasted so long and be so focused. Who is telling him his foreskin is icky? My guess is that this is an adult or older child (molester) or if it is a peer, is that child being molested?

Often when children become so focused on their genitals, there is a cause other than simple curiosity.

That's what I thought when I first read it.

On the other hand, at what age is it acceptable for someone to decide for themselves? Do you make them wait until they are an adult?


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## LeosMama (Sep 6, 2005)

I don't think that children are able to make this kind of decision. I wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced until I was sixteen. I really wanted them pierced at the age of 10 (I bugged her for weeks, I was the ONLY girl in my class with intact lobes), my mother told me I had to wait until 16. At 14, for my birthday present, she surprised me with permission. And I wasn't interested. By my own choice I didn't get it done until I was 16, when I became interested again.

Children are fickle, they don't understand the issues or the long-term effects.

You can't let a child make an important decision like this. I think you can allow them input on it, but you have to make the decision until they are fully mature and ready to handle the responsibility for their own bodies. This doesn't mean you can disrespect their bodies - that's one reason I'm against genital mutilation, as it is abhorrently disrespectful and violating.

What if he was obsessed with drugs? Or getting a nosering? A navel piercing? How about those big earlobe holes some people like? Or a Prince Albert piercing? Or sex? I'm serious. What if he was terribly curious about sex and wanted to experience it? You know he's not ready to make that decision, you know sex is bad and wrong for children. And that would make you wonder where he got the idea that he wants to have sex...so back to reality: where is he getting the idea that he wants to have his foreskin removed?


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## Galatea (Jun 28, 2004)

A strange post from a new member. Maybe you should introduce yourself, Mandy, so we can know more about you.


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## hummingbear (Apr 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InnieTurnedOuttie*
That's what I thought when I first read it.

On the other hand, at what age is it acceptable for someone to decide for themselves? Do you make them wait until they are an adult?

my thought is that when it involves permanent removal of a body part which they will not know the function of until they are mature at the very least, then they wait until they are an adult - and even then an 18 year old may not have much experience with the function of a foreskin


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InnieTurnedOuttie*
On the other hand, at what age is it acceptable for someone to decide for themselves? Do you make them wait until they are an adult?

My children will need to be 18 before they can have a purely cosmetic surgery be it breast implants, cir, nose job etc......


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## gretelmom (Jun 22, 2005)

it doesn't seem like a strange first question for a new member - she sounds desperate and came to a place where she knew we'd be Pro-Intact Foreskin and a lot of us will have gone through these things.

i agree that you guys need to see a child psychologist. this sounds like abuse of some sort, whether sexual or just extreme bullying. very insightful advice you guys posted above!

joanna


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## pdx.mothernurture (May 27, 2004)

Mandy, are you still around? Please update.


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## Zamber (May 4, 2005)

A strange post from a new member indeed. Something just doesn't sound right with that post.


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## Ilaria (Jan 14, 2002)

Subscribing to thsi interesting thread.
What happened?
I, too, would let my kids modify their body after they turn 18.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunflower_mommy*
Mandy, are you still around? Please update.

He or she is probably laughing at us. **shrugs**

At least this board is nice enough to offer suggestions and help, no matter how strange the situation.









~Nay


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## LeosMama (Sep 6, 2005)

Weird weird weird. I didn't really think it was just someone inventing a story to dupe us, but maybe so. Oh well. Maybe someone will read this thread and get a different perspective on circumcision, about altering a child's body for cosmetic reasons??


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)




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## beansavi (Jun 26, 2005)

I think she could be shocked by the thought of molestation and is off dealing with that.

Or, sometimes, life gets busy and you can't check back for a while...


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## InDaPhunk (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ilaria*
I, too, would let my kids modify their body after they turn 18.

As soon as I hit 14 or so, I started bugging my parents to let me get a tattoo. I told them I'd pay for the work myself. They always said "You can do whatever you want when you pay for your own health insurance" (and arguing until I was blue in the face that tat parlors are safe got me nowhere).

It was so irritating, but sound reasoning I thought. I couldn't really argue too much with that considering they'd have to "pay" for any repercussions for said bodily alterations.

BTW, ITA that the situation this thread describes is a bit cockeyed







.


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## bleurae (Feb 25, 2005)

I feel the post is fishy as well. I wanted to point out though, that no one mentioned that circumcision affects sex, it greatly affects sensitivity and even sexual preformance, I would never allow my child to have anything done until they understood all of those ramifications as well. When they are 18 they can do what they choose, but before then, even if they have become sexually active, do they really truly understand those aspects. One experience, or a few cannot make that clear, maturity can.


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## Frankly Speaking (May 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bleurae*
I would never allow my child to have anything done until they understood all of those ramifications as well. When they are 18 they can do what they choose, but before then, even if they have become sexually active, do they really truly understand those aspects. One experience, or a few cannot make that clear, maturity can.

It is clear that a 7 year old can not make a life altering decision but I would advance that most 18 year olds are not well equipped to make a life altering decision. It's just that our society had to set an arbitrary age for self responsibility.

I have known 5 men who had cosmetic circumcisions from their mid 20's to their mid 50's. Four of the five regret it and the fifth one still stands by his decision although from reports from his wife, it appears that he has no sex drive left and she has to push just to have sex on a once every two months basis. She has considered an outside the marriage lover to meet her needs. Not one of these men did any research on the procedure and the possible outcome. They merely succumbed to societal influence and in the case of two, the urgings of lovers who were similarly uninformed.

It's clear that in this country, age alone is not a sufficient qualifier to make a wise decision. It is clear however that the more age and life experience there is, the more likely a wise decision will be made.

Frank


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

first of all you can't just march in and have it done. it will now require good anastesia, plastic surgeon etc. (for some reason they take it seriously when the shild is older







: )and there re risks. My friends son ended up inhaling fluid into his lungs when they made the cut (he was 2) and was in the PICU for a couple of days and recovering for another five. he nearly died over cosmetic surgery (no there was no reason, they just never got around to it







). So it wil require a full surgery work up and a long recovery. And insurance is not likely to cover elective surgery on a child. many will not even cover routien infant cir, much less a seven year old.

secondly, other people have said it, would youlet your dd have a boob job to look like you.

Is your dh the one telling him he needs it done to tlook like him and his friends. perhaps your dh has gotten over not winning this battle and is still whispering into his ear.

Does she now how much this is oing to hurt? you really need to drive that home. this is not a painful procedure and will takes weeks for him to get over. infants heal pretty fast compared to older children and adults (or this is what they told when my babies have broken bones) I mean it is going to be killer pain and it isn't like he is laying aroud and nursing all day. (I am in no way minimizing the pain a newborn feels)

as for his behavior I would tell him to get over it, get your hand out of your pants, put on your underware and which friends are you talking about your penis with because that is not so much appropriate discussion. i would just treat it like any other annoying behavior. God gave him a foreskin, we left it on where it belongs. end of discussion. I wouldn't let my children cut off anything regardless of begging, nagging and atempts to appear as if it was gone. If he is obsessing about it it is because someone else. someone has opened it for discusion. tell him you are sorry you lied to him. BUt that his forskin is there, it is going to stay there. when he is an adult he can pay someone to take it off. "end of discussion now get your hand out of your pants."


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

Hmm, that's pretty funny, because right now we're going through the OPPOSITE.... my ds's cousin (who is circ'ed) was asking my sister why his penis looked "different" from my son's. My sister panicked and said "that's the way you were born" because she had absolutely no justification for surgically altering her son's penis at birth. I told my 3 yo. son and 5 yo. dd the truth, and they were absolutely horrified... and thankful that they had a mother that would never consider such a thing.


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## bleurae (Feb 25, 2005)

Frank,
I COMPLETELY agree with you. I said 18 only because at that age a parent is not the one signing the consent form. I completely agree though.


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bleurae*
Frank,
I COMPLETELY agree with you. I said 18 only because at that age a parent is not the one signing the consent form. I completely agree though.

That's why I said 18 also. I won't legally have the say then.


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