# She has started spanking him



## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

My dd is 18. She has a 2 year old ds. She has started spanking him. I am beside myself. I have never spanked my children. I have no idea what makes her think this is appropriate. The worst part is she only does it when she is really mad. The first time I saw this I cried. I told her how I felt about it and what damage I thought this would do. Her basic response was, "he is my kid I will spank him if I see fit". She didn't do it again though (that I know of anyway) for months.

Well she did it again this weekend. He came to me crying "ow". It broke my heart. I really don't know what to do.


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Gosh, that's a tough situation.

You've already told her how you feel about it. I would probably drop her an email and say something along the lines of, " _____ seemed so sad when he came to me after being spanked this weekend. It's hard for me to see him like that. I know you don't want to hurt him and that you're probably doing it because you're frustrated and mad. I want you to feel comfortable walking away or taking a time out from him when you start to get mad. Lots of parents have to do that. You can also call me if you start feeling like you really need a break."

If you can, I'd give her a subscription to Mothering and send her a copy of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. That's a basic, easy to read book about positive discipline.


----------



## Roxswood (Jun 29, 2006)

I wonder if you could approach this from a point of view of "What could I do for you to help you stay calm?" She is awfully young and maybe this has more to do with her feeling unsure of herself or wanting to assert her right to be the parent and make the decisions. Or maybe she is just going through a rough time and its stress building up and coming out when she does spank.

I completely understand how it would break your heart to know about it, it would mine too, but I think it would be more helpful to approach it from a "How can I support you?" POV rather than judging.

Would she read or chat to anyone else you know who believes in gentle discipline (and can put her at ease) sometimes the mother daughter relationship is a bit too close at this age and they're in the throes of seperating from their parents which unfortunately often seems to involve rejecting their beliefs albeit often temporarily.


----------



## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roxswood* 
I wonder if you could approach this from a point of view of "What could I do for you to help you stay calm?" She is awfully young and maybe this has more to do with her feeling unsure of herself or wanting to assert her right to be the parent and make the decisions. Or maybe she is just going through a rough time and its stress building up and coming out when she does spank.

I completely understand how it would break your heart to know about it, it would mine too, but I think it would be more helpful to approach it from a "How can I support you?" POV rather than judging.

Would she read or chat to anyone else you know who believes in gentle discipline (and can put her at ease) sometimes the mother daughter relationship is a bit too close at this age and they're in the throes of seperating from their parents which unfortunately often seems to involve rejecting their beliefs albeit often temporarily.

This is exactly what I do... a little too much I am afraid. I know she is very young and has huge responsablities... so I try to support and help and take the load off as much as humanly possible for a full time employee.

I don't want to judge her that is why I just kept my mouth shut when I saw it this weekend. I was thinking what needs does she have that are not being met? My mind was reeling with "how can I help" I already care for him most all the time that I am home. Part of the problem too is that she lives with me and is still going through her own autonomy struggle.

I wish there was somebody else she could talk to ... I can not think of who


----------



## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
Part of the problem too is that she lives with me and is still going through her own autonomy struggle.

I wish there was somebody else she could talk to ... I can not think of who


I think you hit the nail on the head... She's just discovering who she is as an adult and making her own decisions and finding her place and in a really tough position as having a 2 year old to care for too. Are there any local services to support teen moms? Like a group? Knowing that others are feeling the same thing can often help. Does she have an aunt or someone else she can talk to? Someone she can relate to (that is not her mom







) that can be a role model and she can ask for advice from?


----------



## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Gosh, this is a hard one....I think that I'd have to tell her that if she wanst to hit her child she'll have to get her own place and do it there since this is a violence free zone. I'd tell her that I feel it's abusive and I won't have anyone in my home abused.


----------



## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

That's a really difficult situation. I can completely empathise, as I have a daughter and a grandchild living at home, too.

As for the specific problem of your daughter spanking her son, I think it's a good idea to continue to talk to her about it, help her see the situation from her son's point of view (as teenagers can often be rather self-centered), and suggest alternative ways of dealing with her son. She will probably mature in time.

PM me if you want, we are in rather similar situations.


----------



## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
Gosh, this is a hard one....I think that I'd have to tell her that if she wanst to hit her child she'll have to get her own place and do it there since this is a violence free zone. I'd tell her that I feel it's abusive and I won't have anyone in my home abused.

That might work.......but I have a feeling it would backfire with a longterm feeling of grandma taking over and trying to do everything - and not stop the hitting.

OP, you say you care for your dgs most of the time? What does mom do? I mean, when the two of you are in the same room together, who jumps up first to care for the toddler?
I think mom might be trying to find her own way. Being so young herself, 'own way' can mean anything up to and including the opposite of what her mom does.

I don't have any real advice, but one thing I learned while homeschooling was how to strew effectively.







An interesting book in the bathroom, a list on the fridge, a bookmark with an inspirational parenting quote.....all might help her to take the nudge you're offering when it comes to taking over most of the care - same with asking mom how she wants things done, listening to her, and giving advice when asked - in short, letting her know that she's the one completely in charge of this situation, but you are here to be her right hand man (er, woman).


----------



## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LilyGrace* 
same with asking mom how she wants things done, listening to her, and giving advice when asked - in short, letting her know that she's the one completely in charge of this situation, but you are here to be her right hand man (er, woman).

This is what I "strive" to do. there are times that I struggle to keep myself in check though. sometimes I am the first one to hop up to take care of his needs... sometimes I make my self sit back down lol

Like I will come home from work and she will be really ready for a baby break... so I sort of take over so she can have a breather ... we will work on dinner together maybe and take turns with grandson's needs ...

Most of the time she is pretty receptive to my parenting advice ... I will bring home articles on gentle discipline and consensual living and she will give them a look-over.

I sort of wonder if when she has spanked him she feels ashamed, like she lost control, but doesn't want to share that with me... just sort of as a cover pulls the "I'm the mom" card... I don't know ... this girl has always been so hard for me to read.


----------



## Roxswood (Jun 29, 2006)

I think it sounds like you're reading her pretty well. Plenty of older people struggle with their temper and control which leads to spanking. I think feelings of shame are incredibly hard to share with others.

I wonder if you could chat with her about having a code word for you if she finds herself getting to that point? In essence you are coparenting, and this often works for me and my husband. When I'm really struggling to deal with Georgia I can tell him that and he'll try to step in and distract her with something so I can get a few minutes breathing space. Maybe you could offer something similar, come up with an odd word that she can say that will let you know she is struggling and needs a moment to calm down?


----------



## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I sort of wonder if when she has spanked him she feels ashamed, like she lost control, but doesn't want to share that with me... just sort of as a cover pulls the "I'm the mom" card... I don't know ... this girl has always been so hard for me to read.

I think that sounds very likely.


----------



## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LilyGrace* 







An interesting book in the bathroom, a list on the fridge, a bookmark with an inspirational parenting quote...











Whenever my DH wants me to read something, he removes all other reading material from the bathroom and puts it in there. Works everytime.









This must be so hard for you, I can't imagine it. But I agree with pp, she is probably still just trying to figure out how to be an adult and a parent at the same time... totally daunting!

What she needs is a good interesting quick read on GD.


----------



## Mama2Bug (Feb 18, 2005)

Just a thought-

If she is feeling exhausted, she may not feel like reading anything. Teens generally like tv though.







Would she watch Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting" dvd? It's not boring, even though it is a lecture. It isn't terribly llong and he is funny. If you think she would watch it, pm me. I think I could find a copy for you.









Also, as far as support goes, has she ever been to Girl Mom? She might find a community there. I come from an area with a lot of teen mothers, though I managed to avoid it personally. (Just by chance, I assure you.) From what I have seen, support is _absolutely key_ to good teen parenting and peer support works best.

Good luck to you both.


----------



## leafylady (Nov 19, 2001)

A lot of moms here have spanked on occasion out of total frustration, and not knowing what to do. They regret it and then come here for more insight on how to deal. I agree that your daughter probably needs other moms in her general age range to talk to, but moms that are also devoted to GD. Then she can share her failings and get advice in a peer group rather than feeling judged by her mom. Is there any Mothering tribe/playgroup near you, with younger moms, even early twenties, that she could socialize with?


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I sort of wonder if when she has spanked him she feels ashamed, like she lost control, but doesn't want to share that with me... just sort of as a cover pulls the "I'm the mom" card... I don't know ... this girl has always been so hard for me to read.

I've spanked ds a couple times (out of frustration), and felt really crappy about it. I'm pretty sure that if I got any judgement (real or imagined) from dp, I would have felt more defensive. (Though, trust me, I knew that dp was appalled). He didn't say anything at the moment. Later, he'd say things like "I just figured this out- when he's doing X, it's because of Y, and if I do B it works out really well." I'm sure he really did have a realization, but he turned it into something where he could give me advice without coming off as giving me advice. lol.

Also, I'm older than your dd (I'm 27), and I'm good at thinking honestly about things- as in, I'll take the blame, realize that I did wrong, etc. I know that it would have been harder for me when I was younger.

It's hard to stop doing something. I thought about this recently- not about spanking, but something else related to ds. Because when you stop it, it's like admitting that every time you did it, you were wrong (well, for some people- like me







). It's hard sometimes to move on, and not feel guilty for what you did before.

Don't know that I have advice, just thought I'd add my thoughts...


----------



## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

You all make a lot of sense, and i really appreciate everybody's input. It is sometimes hard to walk that line of "letting her grow into a better parent" and "protect my baby gs now" I so don't want to be the judgmental grandmother sitting in the corner shaking her finger.. I know thats not helpful at all.

She is a really great parent most of the time. She amazes me for somebody who I didn't think was going to have kids for many years because she is really pretty focused on herself... to be such a loving and giving parent... at such a very young age. I really do give her props.

Its just am a super sensitive person and cringe when I see a parent at the store or somewhere smack their kid... omg to see it done to my own baby gs by my own baby dd... its almost more than I can take.


----------

