# Side Effects of a Loss...



## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Can be emotional or physical. I'm going to list the not obvious ones for me that I was surprised by.

- The feeling that I can't get angry at my living child because she is my *only* one.
- That intense desire to get pregnant again immediately.

This has probably been done many times before but it is new for someone out there!


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I've also felt the intense need to get pregnant again, but we are holding out... ...
I also felt annoyed at seeing my postpartum body. felt I have not the right to look overweight when I had no baby to show for it...
Immense sadness at seeing other babies, and afraid to go near them.


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## mommyof3andcountin (Mar 11, 2004)

I just want to hold and snuggle every newborn I see and pretend it's my DS.

I also want to get preggo again soon.

And mostly, I really really really want to nurse a newborn. I'm not used to having this big a nursing break!!!


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

That I can now get by with looking at my pudge rolls and saying, "It's ok - that's my mommy body."









Feeling like a social outcast. / Actually being an outcast.

The fierce protection you suddenly feel for all living things that are yours.

The pressure/demand to not care about your baby.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I only have had miscarriages, but I agree with that intense urge to get pregnant again.

Also, the rush to "put it behind you". You rapidly start to feel like there is something wrong with you for continuing to grieve. The earlier the pregnancy, the faster the loss falls off of other people's radar, and the faster they expect it to fall off yours.

If you have other children, the constant admonition that you should be grateful for what you have, as if by grieving your lost baby, or by wanting to get pregnant again, you AREN'T grateful.

My first miscarriage was a "missed abortion", so the lingering pregnancy symptoms this time have completely caught me off guard. So did the "labor" when I passed the baby. You can know intellectually that it is something you will experience, but going through it, and the conflicting feelings are really hard. You know the baby is gone, but you are still dealing with the mood shifts, etc.

Quote:

- The feeling that I can't get angry at my living child because she is my *only* one.
Yeah, but it isn't any better with more than one. I find we overcompensate in some ways- allow behaviors to slide, tend to buy more stuff, as well as tend to cuddle more etc.

Right now we are struggling with the "blame" aspect of the loss. It's so hard.


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## Halfasianmomma (Nov 1, 2007)

...because I don't want to get pregnant right away. I'm still dealing with feeling nauseous and crampy, all for nothing. Somehow, my symptoms, which in my mind were part of the whole beautiful experience of creating a life, are now a cruel reminder that I only created an empty sack. I feel like...a failure, and so incredibly sad, that I just don't have the energy to hope for another pregnancy, and perhaps be disappointed again.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

there is nothing wrong with you, halfasianmomma, everyone is different. You are just perfect at the place where you are right now. You are where you need to be. You are feeling what you need to be feeling.
I waver. Sometimes the intense need to have a baby in my arms overwhelm me. sometimes, I am scared what life has in store for me and I feel I cannot endure another heartbreak. I feel your lack of energy and your fear of being disappointed again. ((hugs)) again. Hang in there, and take care.


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## cnobaby (Jan 14, 2007)

One of the hardest parts for me right now is looking at my body. I see it all swollen for pregnancy, which had brought me such joy, and see death now. I hate looking at myself right now. While just one week ago, I was so proud of myself.

I just had the D&E on Friday, after 2 days of bleeding, so it's all still raw for me.

-- C


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## jauncourt (Mar 15, 2007)

I went through both the wanting to try again immediately stage, and after the third one, not wanting to try any more. I gave up on having another child. I was so traumatized by the losses that I was actually ambivalent about the whole (successful) pregnancy with my second child, and now after another loss I'm DONE and cannot face the possibility again.

I was definitely in the outcast camp.

Maura


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

No one ever told me that grieving is a physical experience, too.
I've felt for the past eight months like I have a suffocating weight on my chest. It only got heavier after my second loss.


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## savannah smiles (May 4, 2004)

I had my m/c in March of '06. What has surprised me is:
~ How much I still think about the baby I lost
~I still long for the baby I lost, which makes me feel guilty because if I hadn't m/c, I never would have had dd2 who is truly the light of my life
~ We recently decided not to try for baby #3. A big part of the reason is that I can't go through another pg worrying about another m/c. The stress from that worrying really took away from enjoying my pg with dd2.
~ In deciding not to have another child, I feel bad because it's like I'm not giving the baby I lost another chance to join our family. It's just hard.


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## ninefirefly (Apr 18, 2007)

I just had my d&C on Monday. I feel so empty. I want to get pregnant again right away but I am so scared at the same time. I was due April 30th. I feel like I have nothing to smile about and that won't have anything to smile about for awhile. I also feel like no one understands what I am going through unless they have lost a pregnancy of their own. We bought a stroller. What do we do with the stroller? I am so incredibly sad for the little baby we will never meet.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

I'm actually horrified at the idea of getting pg again, to the point where I can't really enjoy sex because of the what if.

I have lost all credibility when it comes to birth. People used to ask me questions, think I knew somethings about birth (I'm a doula and an avid birth reader), listen to my opinion. . .now I know nothing.

One of my best friends is now pg and has only called once since she found out because I guess being around me is a reminder of my loss and her biggest fear.

Peoples comments on how I have one of each sex and should be happy with that.

The insatiable need to hold babies (and secretly want to nurse them).

The need to talk about my baby and others changing the subject everytime.

Hating what she did to my body. She was huge and I had a huge pendulum belly that now hangs so far it touched my thighs when I am sitting. My ankle swelling has never gone down and they still hurt when I walk. My lower legs and feet are numb from nerve damage from the swelling.

The realization that my body is broken and not meant to have babies without any intervention (they all turn posterior and get stuck, DD's resulted in a c-sec, DS had to be turned, and Naiya died).


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## cnobaby (Jan 14, 2007)

Ninefirefly...find someone to store the stroller for you, if you don't want to see it or be reminded by the box. That's not to say that you should find ways to grieve or mark your loss.

-- C


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## joshs_girl (Dec 8, 2006)

The fact that my own family would shun me.

The fact that my pregnant friends keep me at an arm's distance, as if my miscarriage will rub off on them.

My desperation that my twins were my only chance to ever be pregnant.

And my hair loss. Brushing my hair was a constant reminder of how much I'd lost.

That now, even three months later, I still cry almost every day and when I don't I feel guilty that I'm moving on with my life.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

This was a while ago, but
-I used to have panic attacks about my other children when they weren't in touching distance, because I would wonder how I could keep them safe when I couldn't keep my baby alive inside of me.
-wondering if they made a mistake and I was still pregnant.
-wanting and not wanting sympathy at the same time.

I just wanted to say though, that when I was pregnant and my sister had a miscarriage, I was worried about talking to her because I didn't want to hurt her or for her to feel like I was flaunting my pregnancy in her face. So I used to write to her a lot instead. It was painful for us both. sigh, miscarriage sucks all around.


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## MamaKalena (Jun 17, 2005)

I was mortified that the fetus that came out of me at 10 weeks looked so much like how a baby at that stage is depicted in books. I was expecting an unrecognizable blood clot in the shape of a golf ball or silver dollar as I had heard it described before.

I was travelling out of state when it happened and in a public bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to leave the bathroom. I had an overwhelming need to hold my baby and I wanted to apologize for not protecting him/her.

When I got on the airplane a day later to go home, I felt a sudden panic like I needed to go back and get my baby. It never crossed my mind that I would feel that way until I buckled my seat belt.

I did not expect to mourn so long for the loss of pregnancy symptoms. I am confused by how fast the sore nipples and afternoon sleepiness left my body, as well as the gag reflex when I brushed my teeth. That used to make me laugh but now I just want to cry every time I brush. I loved all of my pregnancy symptoms.

I have the urge to become pregnant again right away. I had heard this was likely to happen, but I didn't know this feeling would be accompanied by the fear that getting pregnant too soon afterward might increase my chance for another miscarriage even though there is no solid research proving this to be true.

Not wanting to talk to anyone about it.


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## joyfulbirth (Jan 14, 2007)

After an early miscarriage (just a couple weeks po) this week a big part of what I'm struggling with is that I don't feel i have the "right" to be grieving. I helped a friend through a stillbirth a while ago (42 wks) and somehow feel that after seeing what she went through why should I grieve? I know this is ridiculous, and I need to let myself feel what I feel, but under it all I still feel guilty.
I also desperately want to get pregnant again, this was an unplanned pregnancy and at a really bad time, but still, I want to do it again, _right now!_
I can't stop reading about miscarriage.
I keep having very vivid dreams, that was how I first knew I was pregnant, and now I have upsetting un-pregnant almost scary dreams.
I miss my symptoms. Even though I was so early I was having morning sickness, and it was not fun, but I want it back.
I cried the first time I had a big cup of coffee. I gave it up as soon as I "knew" I was pregnant (right after the first vivid dream) and felt like everything I was doing and thinking was going toward caring for this little one inside me.
Now I feel like what I do each day has less of a purpose. I can eat whatever I want, I can sit with friends who smoke and get tons of secondhand smoke, it doesn't really matter.







:
Not sure if this was too long to post here, I just am trying to process this. Thanks for listening

Oh, I also get teary eyed when I see little ones, especially baby boys.


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