# I Broke.



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

My ethics with regards to work have changed. My attitude about life outside of my home have changed. I am very depressed. I broke tonight. I finally realized it. I started counceling right after Lasius died. But I quit after 3 sessions. I guess because his death hadn't really 'hit' me yet I didn't see the point in therapy. Well. It hit.

On a night I was scheduled to work no less.







I just recieved 40 hours of PTO December 1st. I am already down to 5 hours because I've been so erratic at work. It sucks. I LOVE MY JOB!!! I loved it. I still like working there. But it's where I knew him. It hurts being there without him. I do not have the option of quitting and going someplace else. It would destroy what family quality of life that we've built thus far. I'm making the most I have ever made... EVER. And while it's not much compared to people I know. It's enough (when I get all my hours) to live comfortably FOR US. We have food, a roof over our heads and once in awhile get a treat. But lately----- rent is late. And I'll need to pay two month worth by the end of the month. Work was slow and we all got sent home waay early a few nights- which affected that. BUT I have been very erratic. Last night I was 4 hours late. Tusday night I went home 6 hours early. (I work 12 hour shifts) I'm just...

LOSING IT!

I'm going to the hospital in the morning to see if I can sign up for partial hospitalization. I can't take this anymore. I'm destroying my family- after my son sacrificed so much to show us how to save us.


----------



## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I am so sorry. I clicked on the link in your signature....your baby is so beautiful! He looks absolutely perfect and angelic.

I think therapy is a good idea, be it inpatient or out.


----------



## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

Ambrose,

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I know exactly how you feel, I lost my son on October 19th, and it has just been a nightmare. Maybe you can try going back to the grief counselor or a support group. I have been to both, since losing my son and I think that they have really helped me deal with the all consuming grief. Especially the support group. It really helped to be around other women who are going through the same thing and know exactly how it feels to lose a baby. If you don't know of any support groups in your area, I can give you the national perinatal bereavement associations number and they will find one in your area. That is how I found my support group. It is so difficult going back to work. I just started back last week and actually found that it was a good distraction, but it sounds like you really need some more time to deal with everything before you go back to work. My doctors all wanted to put me on anti-depressants after I lost my son and I refused, but maybe that might help you for a while so that you can function. Please don't feel as if you are failing your family, because you aren't. I felt the same way and still sometimes do, but I know in my heart that it isn't true. Your baby died and that is the worst thing, I think, that anyone can go through. We should never have to bury our children. Please allow yourself some time to deal with this, whatever way works for you. I think that we will always feel grief because our precious babies died, but I know (hope) that it won't always be this bad. Please PM me if you need to talk or need anything.


----------



## ibex67 (Feb 24, 2006)

I have no words.

Followed your link and saw your lovely family and your beautiful angel.

i'm so, so sorry and sending you all the love, peace, and strength I can.


----------



## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I'm shedding so many tears for you right now. I'm just so sorry for what you're going through.


----------



## marlee (Aug 29, 2005)

Hugs and love to you and your family.


----------



## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

ambrose,
i am so sorry you are going through this right now. you are doing the bst you can. there isn't a right way or an easy way... losing your baby sucks the worst way and there is no way to make it any better or easier than to simply grieve and give yourself alot of slack. the pressures to be 'normal' again are intense, especially when you are living 2 lives- one back in the 'real' world, one undeniably tragic and traumatic and full of sorrow and grief. you havn't squandered the strength and miracles that lasius showed you- they are safe inside you, always and forever. they are solid. but the grieving is like waves, this is so true, and they are sometimes intense, and seemingly unbearable.
when you are in the middle of it, a bad time, a hard time, everything will start to look hopeless and insurmountable. its like a rash starts inside your mind and every thing starts to get infected. try to take one thing at a time. it is good to reach out when you need outside help, and getting help is ok!! there is such a range of what we all need after losing our baby, all of our situations are all so different. it is touch and go sometimes on the level of support we need. if you want some monitering and time out to get it in balance (as best as you can), than taking a hospitalization is a good option. sometimes medication is necesary, and it helps like nothing else can...

i hope you have found some help today. i am so sorry you are feeling that out of control, broken feeling. you are in my thoughts. much love to you...


----------



## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Ambrose--









It is okay to ask for help. Nobody is born knowing how to deal with a loss the magnitude of yours.

You recognize you are depressed, and who wouldn't be in your shoes? I'm not a med pusher, but there comes a time when they really can help. And hormones can really be nasty, and make life all that much harder....could you be battling postpartum depression, magnified by the loss of Lasius?

I do hope you found someone to help you today. Please let us know, we really do care about you.

Keri


----------



## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Ambrose, I know so well what you are going through. When I lost my baby it didn't hit me thoroughly until several months later. I would have loved to crawl up in a hole and die at that point. However, with bills still to pay and other children to take care of I had to keep going through the motions and make myself block everything out, at least when I was at work. It was hard, damn hard, but I made it through and worked and got those damn bills paid. I felt like a robot, I still do sometimes but I just had to focus on my other 3 children and it really did help me through. Good luck to you, and I really hope everything works out for you and your family. Just remember that you still have a beautiful daughter that still needs you.


----------



## ankh (Feb 23, 2005)

I followed your link. I'm so sorry. Your son is beautiful.


----------



## janebug (May 25, 2005)

honey, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. sometimes we have to get lost to find ourselves. you are loved.


----------



## Sandrine (Apr 14, 2004)

Huge







's


----------



## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I pulled up your old posts and read your story. I am so sorry for your loss and for everything you've gone through. Please be easy with yourself. Your son was so precious. I wish I lived near you, so I could come over and do - something. All I can do from here is send you cyber hugs and let you know that I am thinking of you and sending you good wishes.


----------



## ourdomicile (Oct 19, 2006)

More good wishes and hugs [hugs] for you and your family from ours. I am so sorry for your loss and for all you are having to go through right now. Your willingness to ask for help shows even more strength. So may good wishes in your direction.


----------



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

They told me they will have an out patient availablity on Thursday pending a referral from my care provider. My Doctor is more than happy to send one and said she did it today. So I guess I just call in the morning and make sure they got it.

DH says I NEED to go to work tommarrow night. And I do. I'm just terrified. My coworkers expect me to be NORMAL and happy and functioning as though NOTHING is wrong!!! Like nothing happened.

It makes me sick. Physically sick when my coworkers act as though I've no reason to be sad, angry, or depressed.







: I wish I could wear headphones and listen to some greif therapy type tapes or something while I'm at work. So I can feel like I'm accomplishing something with myself and not just TORTURING my self, my body, my mind, and my emotions.

I'm going to call my supervisior tomarrow after I find out for sure that I will be starting on Thursday and I'll see if she'll give me the exception "ok" with maybe letting me have some headphones er something. Otherwise I know I will go out of my skull with agony while I'm at work.


----------



## deleria (Mar 8, 2004)

Ambrose, I wish I could do something to take away your pain. I just want you to know that I still think about you, your husband, daughter and precious son every day.

It's ok to grieve and it's ok not to feel ok. KWIM? Nobody walks your path.

Sending you love from Canada


----------



## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

I'm so glad they can help you out, outpatient or whatever. It's so good that you reached out. I wish I had your courage and clarity.

Tomorrow night---it's just time, it will pass. Even if you have to count your way through it...just count the time off. You can do this.

Please keep us posted, lots of us want to know what is going on. Not that you are doing better, even though that would be nice. Just honestly how you are doing.

Take care,

Keri


----------



## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




----------



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalapcat* 
I'm so glad they can help you out, outpatient or whatever. It's so good that you reached out. I wish I had your courage and clarity.

Tomorrow night---it's just time, it will pass. Even if you have to count your way through it...just count the time off. You can do this.

Please keep us posted, lots of us want to know what is going on. Not that you are doing better, even though that would be nice. Just honestly how you are doing.

Take care,

Keri

It's so nice to hear that people just want to hear honesty.









How am I doing though? Gah- I have lost most of my GD cool.







GD as in gentle discipline. I keep raising my voice at DD and she keeps getting this sad look in her eyes and comes over to me and just hugs me. It kills me inside. I tell her that mommy is sad about her brother. But it still doesn't excuse my behaivors towards her. KWIM?

I feel in a fog. My body is so slow. My brain is on auto pilot. I think DH seeing me crash like this is having him crash too. But we both can't do the out patient at the same time and he knows this. I can see him try so hard to maintain composure for DD and for me. It all just makes me want to









I'm living off of







and all I want to do is







We went to my neighbors again- the one with the little girl. A part of me is having fleeting moments of insanity. .....







: .......














:





































-le sigh- After my whole IUD experience I'm just happy I have a sticker that serves as BC now. (The Patch) but in those fleeting moments it's very tempting to want to rip off. But thankfully my sanity regains itself before I make such drastic moves.







:


----------



## Summerland (Aug 9, 2005)

hugs to you, im so sorry for your loss and all that you are going through


----------



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

:







:







:







:












































:























































































































































































































































































































































:







:












































:







































































































































:







:





































:







:







:












































:


----------



## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Ambrose,
you're in my thoughts!







Beate


----------



## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Yeah, that paints a pretty good picture of what you must feel like...

A lot of what you describe sounds like official clinical depression. I'm soo so glad you are getting help tomorrow. Not that anything they can do will take away your pain, but maybe they will help with the fog and anxiety and short fuse...

It only makes sense you want to try for another child. Not to replace Lasius, I know that goes without saying! But to give Leth a sibling, and to expand your family...to get on with what you thought you were going to be doing. And it's an affirmation that things can still be right in the world....

I'll be thinking of you tonight, as the clock ticks away at work. And I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, as you are letting someone help you with all of this.

Btw, all the smilies? I think all of us who post on this board still feel that way sometimes! I sure can relate...up and down, unpredictable, a little psycho!










Keri


----------



## Careyayn22 (Sep 20, 2006)

Ambrose, first of all I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. I just found your story and read it. We had different yet very similar experiences. My son Beckett was born at 22 weeks Nov 16th, 2006 at ANW...after 6 weeks of bedrest, hospitalization, ambulance ride, cerclage surgery and staying at the Sheraton by ANW. I live in St Cloud..it sounds like you live here or around here too.

I just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you...and I understand feeling like you have lost control. I am feeling pretty in control right now, but I worry and feel that it will all come crashing down around me soon...it is always lingering and creeping in the background...as I try to go on with the day to day life.

Please do what you need to do for yourself...get that help you need, and know that even perfect strangers, albeit local ones, care.


----------



## snuggly mama (Mar 29, 2004)

I couldn't read and not send a









The photos of your son are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing them.


----------



## Blue Dragonfly (Jun 19, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. The your darling son is so beautiful.

I can only imagine the grief you are going through, and I am so sorry for your pain.

Its only been 4 months. I would think it would take a lifetime to "recover". Or at least lay this burden down. Be gentle with yourself mama.


----------



## Progressive_Mom (Sep 2, 2006)

Your angel is beautiful


----------



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Progressive_Mom* 









Your angel is beautiful

Thank you. All of you thank you.









What you all say helps me so much.


----------



## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

I am so sorry. You are lucky to have those beautiful pictures- we have the ones the hospital took of our little angel but I wish we did more. Your baby is beautiful.

About 6 months after we lost our son, I went into a partial hospital. It was very painful but it dragged me out of suicidal thoughts and saved me, I think. I recommend it if you can find one that is a good fit. I thought about joining a group for parents who have lost children to help me cope. I have not found one yet specifically for parents who have lost babies. I wish you the best and hope you find some comfort.

Love,
Kerri


----------



## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *deleria* 
It's ok to grieve and it's ok not to feel ok. KWIM? Nobody walks your path.









:

It's so hard in the first few months. There's that totally raw emotion/numbing period and when that's over you feel like you're walking in a fog. It's like the whole world around you keeps moving and you just stand in one spot.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ambrose*
I wish I could wear headphones and listen to some greif therapy type tapes or something while I'm at work. So I can feel like I'm accomplishing something with myself and not just TORTURING my self, my body, my mind, and my emotions.

I may have missed this, but what type of work do you do, Ambrose? Would it be that bad to do just what you are thinking of and wear the headphones? I really don't think it's that bad of an idea if your work allows it. I would think it would be better than listening to other people ramble on about problems in their lives and there you sit just wanting to scream.

I'm so sorry.







I can tell you that at almost 17 months out I still have those moments where I just want everyone to understand and feel the often physical pain I go through b/c my DD is gone. The sad truth is that people don't understand unless they have btdt. And, I know you have and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
















Lasius


----------



## MOMGOTSPUNK (Dec 16, 2005)

I am sorry for what you are going through. I do not know what it is like to go through what you are going. I am truly sorry for your loss.


----------



## 5796 (Oct 19, 2002)

ambrose,

Hugs.

offtopic:
I have an update down in spirituality-feng shui for you.
perhaps that will help.


----------



## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

I just wanted to send you a great big hug, Ambrose. I was in your due date club and I have been







for your story from the beginning. Your son is SO beautiful. I have been praying for your family and will continue to. I only wish I knew of something I could do more.


----------



## xnwife (Jan 15, 2007)

I can't imagine what you are going through, but I admire your strength and courage for knowing when it is time to reach out and ask for help. I have followed your story and felt compelled to extend my deepest sympathies. Your son was too beautiful for this world. You are an amazing mother and although you still dealing with the loss of your child, you are doing the best you can to care for your daughter and she knows that; she knows that you are hurting, but she also knows that you love her very much.
Hold on. Don't let go. Soon you will have a reason to hope again. A reason to wake up in the morning. I hope that you receive exemplary care and that your family is more supportive of your decision to pursue treatment. Please do not feel that all the responsibility of the household rests on your shoulders. Take time to take care of yourself and things will work out. I earnestly believe that, God will look out for you and your family.
Even though it may seem like he abandoned you in this dismal hour, He is there.
I just wanted you to know that I care and that I will be praying for you and your family.


----------

