# Best way to comfort a mom who has lost a baby?



## Momsteader (Dec 13, 2002)

I don't think there is any one answer, and it probably really depends from person to person, and even how well you know them, but what is the best way to comfort a mama friend who has lost a baby? What specifically to say? What did you find most comforting?


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I still have a bunch of cards and emails that people sent when I was miscarrying. They're not fancy, just things that say the sender is thinking of us, and is sorry for our loss. One friend wrote us a special prayer, which was really nice.

One friend asked if we needed food or anything, and then she showed up at our house with roast chicken, salad, and a casserole dish of mashed potatoes. She asked if we wanted company or not, and she hung out all evening. I cannot say enough good things about this person. We really needed food, and I was in lousy shape, and she brought us wonderful food. We were feeling really lonely, and she was undemanding and awesome and helped out with our underfoot kiddo while I was just not physically with it enough to do that. And she asked first.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I have the worlds best friends.
They would come, spent time with me and let my mood take me where it was. They didn't try to "cheer me up" they were okay to just be with me. They also checked in regularly by text, email or a call. They helped with my kids when I cried in bed for 2 days straight. They ignored how high I was because I told the ob I wasn't doing misoprostol without painkillers - lol I got oxy...

My friends were awesome because they were there, they stuck around and still support me and allow me to talk about my loss months later.


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## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

Acknowledgment, period. Seriously, so many people just sweep it under the rug because it makes THEM uncomfortable, so just knowing that people are acknowledging me and my VERY real baby (no matter how long it was with us) really helps me. It's so hard to be made to act like nothing happened so I greatly appreciate those who take the time to show me they see my situation to be as real as anything else.


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## mummytoH (Nov 1, 2009)

Agree with all of the above, I really appreciated a bunch of flowers a friend sent - we're old school friends & don't see each other all that often, but it was a lovely gesture (I had to tell that group of friends about my second miscarriage as I wasn't sure I was going to make one of their weddings) I got a few cards too, and even just writing "thinking of you" was lovely.

I agree with not trying to 'cheer them up' - but just letting them know you're there, especially in a few weeks when it all sinks in, or milestones like the 20 week scan, due date etc - are all difficult reminders.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Just let her talk. In six weeks no one will think its okay for her to talk about the baby. And do remember the loss date one year from now. I cannot tell you how special that felt to have one friend remember when dozens of others and our own family didn't.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Her she can always talk to you about her loss. I'm expecting again. My friend said to me yesterday my loss WAS hard I was thinking no my loss IS still hard. But I have replacement rainbow baby which takes away that sadness right?


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
> 
> Her she can always talk to you about her loss. I'm expecting again. My friend said to me yesterday my loss WAS hard I was thinking no my loss IS still hard. But I have replacement rainbow baby which takes away that sadness right?


No, sorry. No child replaces another. And to expect the subsequent child to heal you places to much pressure on them.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I meant that's what she is thinking.
Not me. My loss was hard, is hard and makes this rainbow hard and bittersweet. My point is even when she's "back on her feet" or has a rainbow, more babies she will appreciate a safe friend to talk about her fears, anxieties, sadness with. Losing a baby makes your world change forever. I cherish the friends who aknowledge I have 5 spirits now 6 that have called me mom.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
> 
> I meant that's what she is thinking.
> Not me. My loss was hard, is hard and makes this rainbow hard and bittersweet. My point is even when she's "back on her feet" or has a rainbow, more babies she will appreciate a safe friend to talk about her fears, anxieties, sadness with. Losing a baby makes your world change forever. I cherish the friends who aknowledge I have 5 spirits now 6 that have called me mom.


I realized what you said, I just wanted to make it clear to others who might be out there that that kind of thinking is erroneous.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Thanks! There are so many people who think that way! Well look at the other thread the worst things said its like you got the westboro working for halmark!


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## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

Remembering is so huge. No one remembers except us and it always hurts my feelings. You would think after three years it wouldn't but I always hold out hope someone will remember them besides us.


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## MommaMeggles (Sep 19, 2012)

Ask honestly how she's feeling, and be prepared for tough answers. I was very honest about my loss, and it made some people (even those close to me) uncomfortable. Be sensitive to triggers - I couldn't shop for certain items for months because I couldn't bear to be in eyeshot of the baby items aisle. Whatever you do, do NOT say things like it was for the best, there's always a reason, the next one will work out, etc. Yes, I am epecting now. That doesn't replace or somehow make up for my loss.


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## MommaMeggles (Sep 19, 2012)

Most comforting to me was just checking in regularly. And a simple "I am sorry for your loss"


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## mattie426 (Jan 19, 2013)

I think what it boils down to is: Just be there and don't say stupid *stuff*.


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## deailedlace (Feb 23, 2013)

I miscarried about a year and two months ago. I had to take a week off work and my boss was very unsupportive but yave me the time. I had two great colleagues at the time, one is who is now my best friend. When I fianlly told my male colleague he didnt email back rigt away, I was worried it was too personal for him but he had told me he a nd his wife also suffered a loss before having their baby boy. It was a few minutes later that he showed up in my cubicle his eys full of tears. He is a huge fellow, football player about 6 1...seeing that side of him was pretty incredible. He didnt say really anything we just looked a each other and exchanged tears. I didnt need to hear words just feeling that, having that exchange of sorrow made me feel so understood. My female colleague bought me coffe for like a week and was always there to listen even if I just anted to stare at her not say a word and just shake my head. She didnt try to tell me how to feel, just listened and gave a really comforting presence.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

I've tried so hard to think of things TO say lately and i have such a hard time.

"Im sorry, this must be so hard."

"Please let me know if there is anything I can do"

call, email, be there for her. Remember the loss date. Remember the birth date (or potential birth date, due date, date she found out she was pregnant) Offer to come over and help with baby items, whether that means packing them away or taking them out of the house. Going through baby items was so hard for me.

Dont say things like:

"I bet that was hard." (its still hard)

"If I lost a baby I just dont know what I would do. I couldnt live anymore." (its not about you, and no one knows what they would do until they were in that situation)

"I lost my pet/friend/mom/etc. and I know how it feels." (not the same. not at all.)

And, you might let her know that there are some amazing loss groups online. (MDC has a pretty great support group for PAL, getting through the next pregnancy will be hard.)


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## mommy2lno (Mar 19, 2011)

Hugs, be willing to let them cry. don't expect anything grief takes us by surprise and when it does it hits like a freight train. Offer to watch surviving children so mom can get away. Take meals. Don't just say call if you need something, be specific as to what you would like to do to help. we cannot think what job to give someone or even what we need, but if someone says "I'm going to the grocery store and was going to pick you up some milk do you need anything else?" they are a lifesaver! remember that normal things are very overwhelming and offers to clean house or help with the kids go a long way!


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## hannahrinehart (Jan 9, 2013)

Offer to take a meal to their house or if you know they are short on finances a gift card to a nice restaurant. Treat the loss as significant as anyone losing a child, don't downplay it by saying things like "you can try again" or "at least you didn't know them that well yet." And please NEVER ask a mom who's pregnant and has had a miscarriage in the past "do you think you'll miscarry again?" of course she's afraid of that! Someone asked me that after I had miscarried my first and it still makes my blood boil. I have had two miscarriages and I have 1 living child and one on the way. It's weird to me that I have 4 children but only 1.5 to hold and snuggle. Offer to pray, hold, cry with, cool, clean, etc. anything you would do if your girlfriend lost her 4 year old. Also no matter what your stance is on abortion be sensitive around her and try not to show her photos of tiny babies... It may flood her with memories and trigger her heartbreak.


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## delicate_sunshine (May 2, 2008)

This is very current for me. We found out Monday that baby had no heartbeat and I am waiting to miscarry right now. So far the most helpful things have been to just bring food - don't ask, just do it, and to come visit and just be with me for a while. My best friend (who had about the same due date as me) lost her baby a couple of weeks ago and I wish I had known what to do for her then. I would call and ask if I could bring food, but I tried to give her some space (partly because I was still pregnant and didn't know if I was a trigger). She has really been helpful for me though. She is the only person who has checked on me everyday since I found out the news and that has been tremendously helpful. I had no idea how alone I would feel.

Other practical things that have been helpful are taking my older kids for a while (my inlaws are doing this for us). I feel so ill-equipped to care for them right now. Part of me just wants to hug them, but they won't sit still for it. Their needs are still there, but I just can't meet them right now. The other thing m-i-l did was come and wash my sink that was spilling over with dirty dishes. I guess that practical help is more comforting than any words of comfort right now. There is nothing anyone can say to make me feel better.


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## naturelle (Jan 7, 2013)

I am so sorry for your loss delicate sunshine. You are not alone.


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## lovecarrieson (Jun 3, 2013)

I say just LISTEN. Don't talk. Of course say you're sorry, but then listen. So many well-intentioned loved ones are offering advice on ways to mentally or spiritually frame my loss, when what I really need is a listening, understanding ear. I'm not ready to label it and file it away.

If you've been through something similar yourself, then when your friend is all done talking you can share your own experience and she will probably be glad to hear it.

We were overwhelmed with love and support from family and friends, though. Even if they didn't know quite what to say, we must have received flowers from 10 people--just a steady stream of flowers and cards being delivered day after day for a week. We live in a condo, so I called it our Temporary Memorial Garden. It was beautiful, uplifting, and made us feel so loved.

I look back on a friend's miscarriage and I can't even remember if I did anything other than call or email once or twice. I didn't know she was pregnant until the miscarriage happened, and then I didn't understand the depth of her loss. I cringe to remember it--but it helps me be more compassionate toward those who are clueless regarding my loss now.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I too feel badly for not understanding my friend's losses. Not knowing how to be there.


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## Smidge (Aug 29, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
> 
> *I have the worlds best friends.
> They would come, spent time with me and let my mood take me where it was. They didn't try to "cheer me up" they were okay to just be with me. They also checked in regularly by text, email or a call.* They helped with my kids when I cried in bed for 2 days straight. They ignored how high I was because I told the ob I wasn't doing misoprostol without painkillers - lol I got oxy...
> ...


Yes to the bolded


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