# "I got spanked and I turned out OK"



## coldfeet (Jun 2, 2006)

What do you say when someone says this to you about the way you are disciplining your dc?

I don't like confrontation and I can never come up with anything that sounds like a "good enough" defense.


----------



## Meg Murry. (Sep 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coldfeet* 
What do you say when someone says this to you about the way you are disciplining your dc?

I don't like confrontation and I can never come up with anything that sounds like a "good enough" defense.
















I'm quite fond of, "No, you didn't."









Um, I've never said that, though.
Thought it plenty of times.


----------



## Meg Murry. (Sep 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coldfeet* 
What do you say when someone says this to you about the way you are disciplining your dc?

I don't like confrontation and I can never come up with anything that sounds like a "good enough" defense.
















Seriously, I would say something to the effect of, "Spanking is hitting. We don't hit children."


----------



## cycle (Nov 18, 2004)

: If I hit you its assault - if I hit my child I am just spanking them.







: I just don't get the logic.

I hear parents telling their children "we don't hit" when the child hits another child. Then two minutes later I see the parent spanking that same child. Um Hello? I just saw this happen this past weekend, and its not the first time.


----------



## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

"Many people who survived the Holocaust 'turned out okay'... does that mean it wasn't painful?"

That is a shock-value response that use sometimes. I then go on to explain that I am not comparing hitting to the Holocaust in terms of actual event, but that many people who survived that have gone on to have jobs, families -- they don't knock over 7-11s or go on killing spress -- but just because many survivors of damaging events *seem* fine in that they operate iin society doesn't mean they don't have deep pain or residual effects of being hurt.

Same with spanking in that regard.

I am sure many people who were hit "turn out fine" -- I did, I think I am a wonderful person -- but that was not because of being hit, that was IN SPITE of being hit --- and it was a long road for me...healing (any day now lol) from the emotional pain that hitting and punitive "discipline" caused....

I would love to say my motivation for being gentle with dd is solely because she deserves to be treated with respect -- but that is only part of it. I am gentle with dd because I made a choice long ago that *I* don't want to be the kind of person that hits another person, especially a defenseless person who depends on me for everything, as way of terrifying them into submission.That kind of person is not someone I respect. I want any child of mine (or anyone else for that matter) to feel safe with me.


----------



## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

I was abused by my ex and I turned out ok. Just because I survived it doesn't make his actions right.


----------



## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

I always want to respond with "But did you, though?"

Because it's funny what people consider to be "OK". For many, dealing with chronic major depression, unstable relationships, alcohol/drug addiction, and poor self-esteem, etc is "OK". I beg to differ. Just because a person copes and gets by doesn't mean things are OK, it just means that. . .they're just getting by.


----------



## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Well, I _was_ spanked and I _have_ turned out ok. Same for my husband. We also have good relationships with our parents. And sibs. So he took it really personally ("what? are you saying my parents are ABUSIVE???") when I started floating the idea of spanking (and yelling, ideally) FREE discipline.

So this is how I presnted it to him (in general. I didn't sit around and make graphics or anything







):

1. We don't hit our dog. We agree that people who hit animals are lower than low. How can we set a LOWER standard for our children?

2. Spanking was only one trick in a whole BAG of tricks that our parents used. I'm not suggesting it doesn't "work" - I'm just suggesting there are other alternatives that do not involve us actually hitting our children. To me, even if it does "work" it's not worth the trade off. I would rather redirect one thousand times than hit my child. I'd rather actually get off my butt and solve the problem than shout directions and spank when they aren't followed.

So having said my bit, I'd tell a friend that it's just not a tool you choose to use. That yes, it is possible to have been spanked and turn out fine but it's just not something you're comfortable with. I grew up being spanked, everyone I knew was spanked, I always assumed that when I had children, I'd spank them if it ever came to that. Other parents didn't "win me over" by pithy little one liners at me - they set calm, rational, loving examples. And now I have never spanked and never will.

Even as a hard core non spanker (there are words you don't often see together) *I* tend to shut down and stop listening when people start banging on about how spanking is always abuse and people can't love their children AND spank them and some of the other really isulting things I tend to read in forums like this one. NO ONE is going to stop spaking because some stranger insulted them (or their parents).


----------



## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coldfeet* 
What do you say when someone says this to you about *the way you are disciplining your dc?*

I don't like confrontation and I can never come up with anything that sounds like a "good enough" defense.
















if they're talking about my kids - how that person turned out as an adult is completely irrelevant imo. one has nothing to do with the other really.

and in all honesty -- i was vaccinated, i went to public school, i was spanked, and my mom didn't breastfeed, and she lived on alka seltzer when she was pregnant with me, and i slept on my tummy as a newborn, and i didn't have a carseat as a toddler, or wear a helmet on my bike.....yk? SO WHAT! i turned out okay too....but that doesn't mean i'm going to let that be my only example for raising my kiddos. i don't need to raise my kids like i was raised -- that's the beauty of parenting. each generation kind of evolves imo.


----------



## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

maybe something like, "wouldn't you like your kids to be BETTER than okay?"

the fact that "okay" is the bar we set for how we want our kids to be is kind of depressing, don'tcha think?


----------



## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Spanking is hitting and it is a violent act. Plain and simple.

Now that is not the angle I take when starting civilized conversations with people looking for information or genuinely interested in how we parent... (although it is how I feel I take a more gentle approach)

...and yes, many people who hit their children love them.... fair enough...

...but it is an act of violence. There is no way around it. I am not suggesting that parents who hit their children don't do a bazillion other acts of love, they very well do. Perhaps when the children are of a certain age to understand that their parents hit them because they thought it was okay, or because it was how their parents did it, or because they didn't know what else to do -- and perhaps when those same children get to an age to weigh all the loving things their parents did compared to the acts of shame and violence and disrespect and work through the confusion at how someone who says they love you can hit you -- perhaps when they shed the natural protectiveness they have for their parents along with the societal messages they have been given from birth that parents are above reproach -- along with shedding the skin of the child who deep down knew that hitting was not an act of love ... but rationalized that if their parents indeed did love them, that it must be their (the child's) fault that they hit them... when they work through the feelings of having deserved being it, the feelings of fear, the feelings of acknowledging that their parents, however well meaning, made a decision over and over again to scare them and to hurt their tiny bodies -- when they work through and admit that their parents chose to intimidate, threaten, humiliate, and put their hands on a child that was 1/5 their size -- who had no choice but to take it, had no place to go if they didn't like it, had no one to tell because the people the child loved the most were hitting them after all --- when these people who say they turned out fine actually admit that it is an emotionally unhealthy and damaging event to have a relationship with someone who both loves you and intentionally hurts you, sometimes in the same day, sometimes in the same 20 minutes....sometimes telling the child they love them AS they are hitting them and that it is a loving act... when the people who say they turned out fine can look at their parents and say "I love you but what you did to me WAS NOT okay and it is NOT a cycle we are going to repeat with our children"...

...then, they may have "turned out okay".


----------



## CaraNicole (Feb 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 
maybe something like, "wouldn't you like your kids to be BETTER than okay?"

the fact that "okay" is the bar we set for how we want our kids to be is kind of depressing, don'tcha think?

















:


----------



## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

"You think it's ok to hit little people too weak and afraid to fight back. Are you sure you turned out 'ok'?"


----------



## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

For me, it's not about how my child will turn out - who knows what the future holds? - but more just about living in line with my values, which includes not hitting another person.


----------



## Meg Murry. (Sep 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
Even as a hard core non spanker (there are words you don't often see together)


----------



## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I would say "well, that's debateable."







or you could say "who knows how you would have turned out if you weren't spanked."

There are tons of responses for that reasoning.
Lisa


----------



## Meg Murry. (Sep 3, 2006)

In many ways, I turned out okay -- I went to college, got my degrees, I have a stable, full-time job I've held for over a decade; I own my own house and have a stable marriage and a good child.

However, let me point out that when I was a child, I routinely bit and hit people when I was angry, and when that didn't work, I cursed them out in language so foul the principal was shocked. I've worked on controlling the impulse to violence for a long time and it's been very difficult.

I don't know if it was because I was spanked a great deal. Maybe I would've turned out the same regardless. Not having a "control me," it's hard to say. However, I do know this: that when my dd and I visited my mom when DD was about 2.5, my daughter was having a horrible temper tantrum -- she was tired and was trying to get adjusted. She was yelling and crying, and my mom was getting angrier and angrier. Finally, she waved her finger in my face and said, "I would spank that child if I were you!"

I shut the door behind my dd and said, "Well, you're NOT."

What shocked me was that my mom has always claimed she never spanked in anger. The look on her face that day said that she had ALWAYS spanked us in anger. Period.

Yeah, I turned out okay. However, as previous posters have said, maybe I want something better for my daughter than _okay_.


----------



## OllieMama (Jun 5, 2007)

Quote:

"You think it's ok to hit little people too weak and afraid to fight back. Are you sure you turned out 'ok'?"
I posted something similar in a different thread just a little while ago:

Quote:

They all tend to say "well I was spanked and I turned out just fine." And I want to say, "Well, no you didn't. Because in case you forgot, you're habitually hitting a defenseless child-- a weaker person who you are supposed to be protecting and guiding. And instead, you're causing them fear and pain. I wouldn't say that's just fine."
Of course I'm a big wimp who hates confrontation, so I'd never actually say that. But I'd sure like to. One can dream...


----------



## cpop (May 3, 2006)

If you don't want to be confrontational, you could always say

"Well you don't know how much better you could have turned out if you had not been spanked"


----------



## majikfaerie (Jul 24, 2006)

I'd just multi-quote and ditto almost everyone else's posts...
but If I'm in the right mood, (and its an annoying stranger) I might say something like
"yeah, I was spanked as a kid too and I turned out okay [insert maniacal wild-eyed twitching grin] as long as I keep taking these pills..." Mwahhahahaaaaa!!!


----------



## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

I do not like confrontations, also. I am finding out more and more that whatever I say, people will not change their parenting style, unless there is a deep, deep familiarity, plenty of time for uninterrupted dialogue and an ongoing exchange of family visits. In which case, I will not need a one line response, the dialogue will grow slowly and there will be time to problem solve different scenarios. But, since I get these comments a lot, because spanking is a reality around here, and I find these conversation upsetting when we are just trying to enjoy dinner with the kids and relax, in all honesty, my most frequent reply is "I am glad you did, but I still chose to parent differently. Isn't this soup delicious? Can you give me the recipe?".


----------



## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
Well, I _was_ spanked and I _have_ turned out ok. Same for my husband. We also have good relationships with our parents. And sibs. So he took it really personally ("what? are you saying my parents are ABUSIVE???") when I started floating the idea of spanking (and yelling, ideally) FREE discipline.

So this is how I presnted it to him (in general. I didn't sit around and make graphics or anything







):

1. We don't hit our dog. We agree that people who hit animals are lower than low. How can we set a LOWER standard for our children?

2. Spanking was only one trick in a whole BAG of tricks that our parents used. I'm not suggesting it doesn't "work" - I'm just suggesting there are other alternatives that do not involve us actually hitting our children. To me, even if it does "work" it's not worth the trade off. I would rather redirect one thousand times than hit my child. I'd rather actually get off my butt and solve the problem than shout directions and spank when they aren't followed.

So having said my bit, I'd tell a friend that it's just not a tool you choose to use. That yes, it is possible to have been spanked and turn out fine but it's just not something you're comfortable with. I grew up being spanked, everyone I knew was spanked, I always assumed that when I had children, I'd spank them if it ever came to that. Other parents didn't "win me over" by pithy little one liners at me - they set calm, rational, loving examples. And now I have never spanked and never will.

Even as a hard core non spanker (there are words you don't often see together) *I* tend to shut down and stop listening when people start banging on about how spanking is always abuse and people can't love their children AND spank them and some of the other really isulting things I tend to read in forums like this one. NO ONE is going to stop spaking because some stranger insulted them (or their parents).

Very logical. Thanks!


----------



## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
1. We don't hit our dog. We agree that people who hit animals are lower than low. How can we set a LOWER standard for our children?

This is so true. It just struck me that most people understand and empathize with not hitting animals.

For some reason, some of these people are still fine with a little spanking.

It seems a bit inconsistent. Wow. Good point!


----------



## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meg Murry.* 
I'm quite fond of, "No, you didn't."









Um, I've never said that, though.
Thought it plenty of times.









Yeah I always think "You hit your baby. You're not 'okay' or 'just fine' or anything of the sort."

But you know what, honestly, it's only ever come up with people who know us and know we don't spank, and I can tell they are embarrassed by what they are doing/saying. Like they'll always say "Well, we don't do it hard." or some other qualifier. Or another example, DH (a SAHD) had a playdate at our house the other day. So when it was time for the other mom to leave, her DD was tantruming (6 yo) and the mom smacked her in front of DH, DS, & me, this was while getting her into the car in our driveway. We just looked at her with SHOCK, I mean I was totally shocked! (So was my DS, poor thing, it made him really sad














So it was obvious that we all couldn't believe what we had just witnessed. So the mom says "I don't spank her, she's just being really bad right now. Seriously I NEVER spank, she's just being so bad. Really, we don't spank." See, she was was totally embarrassed by what she had done and was trying to undo it or explain it. (They spank, she was lying and we all knew it, and she knew that we knew.) So I don't have to explain myself, it's always them trying explain their behavior.


----------



## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I want my kids to be better than just OK.


----------



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Quote:

This is so true. It just struck me that most people understand and empathize with not hitting animals.
I used this argument once and the person I was talking to said, "No, we also hit the dog to discipline him."


----------



## Meg Murry. (Sep 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cpop* 
If you don't want to be confrontational, you could always say

"Well you don't know how much better you could have turned out if you had not been spanked"

The problem is, they can turn right back and say, "Well, you don't know how much better your kid's going to turn out if you DO spank him."


----------



## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

My parenting approach is not up for disscussion. The people in my life know this. They know my kids, and like them, and admire our family.

When we were younger parents, it did come occassionally. But within the context of my parenting choices it is just NOT the right time for a debate or a disscussion. My response would be simple and closed, "_Great -- I'm glad to hear it. Excuse me while I deal with my kid._"

Now -- outside the context of my immediate choices and actions -- I'm happy to disscuss it -- and this is the first thing that most people bring up. My approach is to turn the conversation to a disscussion of their childhood. I ask a lot of open ended questions about what it felt like to be punished, what thought patterns accompanied those experiences, etc. Accept everything they say without judgment or critique. Let them talk -- the good news is that they are thinking it through.

People who perpetuate patterns of generational abuse are not generally going to be argued out of it. Its not that kind of problem. By acknowleging that we were harmed/wronged when we were most vulnerable, we open up a whole host of emotionally packed issues and concerns that some people are just not ready to face.


----------



## coobabysmom (Nov 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ThreeBeans* 
"You think it's ok to hit little people too weak and afraid to fight back. Are you sure you turned out 'ok'?"

This is a good one!


----------



## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I love whoever said they want their kids be be better than ok, that's so true.









My fiance said this back in the day when we were first getting into parenting discussions. I was able to point out that he's NOT ok. He has a strained and odd relationship with his parents, has self esteem and depression issues and also tends to self medicate with food. So maybe all of those things don't directly stem from the harsh discipline and spankings, but whos to say they didn't? He couldn't agrue.


----------



## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

I would just roll my eyes and change the subject. I really don't discuss my parenting philosphy with many people, though, almost everyone I know IRL is very mainstream.

My in-laws know we don't spank, my MIL was initially very skeptical -- now that DS is almost 4 and is the sweetest boy alive, she thinks I'm the best mom ever. Go figure. I just ignored her in the past when she suggested I should spank him, but it's nice to have her on my side now.


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I always aknowledge that they are fine (even if they are not.







) . "You *are* a nice person." I don't touch what happened to them in childhood. That has no bearing on how I treat my own kids. "We believe we can teach our kids well without hitting them. So far so good". After that, it's about the bean dip. I've never had the experience where people questioned not spanking. Again, I think this is regional. I don't know any 'normal' mainstream parents who spank. Even if they are not AP, they don't spank. Time out however? Yes, very popular. (I'd rather see a parent sit a child on a sofa for a minute than hit them).


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Spring Flower* 
Very logical. Thanks!

I agree! Pithy comments to and about how awful the person asking can't be very helpful. Some people are butts, however, and you just have to walk away. Fighting with someone over not spanking doesn't exactly send the loving message we're hoping to get out.







:


----------



## captivatedlife (Aug 16, 2006)

I didn't turn out OK..... but who knows if I would have? I have anger problems, which "run" in my family - but each generation only gets better. My grandfather was an alcoholic and a drunk who routinely beat my father. He crushed my fathers dreams. (eg. when my father was 14 or so he received a large part in a school play. Day of the event granddad beat (I mean BEAT) my father to the point where he could barely move and he just LOOKED bad, yk, just so my father would loose his *uppity* ways.) My father abused me, but really he broke *that* cycle of abuse. He parented in the best way he knew how, hit, beat me, but (I'm not making excuses) he was 10 times better than his father.

I will break the cycle. There will be no hitting, because we don't hit people. Would you hit your grandmother with Alzheimer's? Even if they run away, go out in the street, ect, ect? No! Why hit your child.

*Spanking is hitting* (sorry so long and rambling!)


----------



## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
My parenting approach is not up for disscussion. The people in my life know this. They know my kids, and like them, and admire our family.

When we were younger parents, it did come occassionally. But within the context of my parenting choices it is just NOT the right time for a debate or a disscussion. My response would be simple and closed, "_Great -- I'm glad to hear it. Excuse me while I deal with my kid._"

Now -- outside the context of my immediate choices and actions -- I'm happy to disscuss it -- and this is the first thing that most people bring up. My approach is to turn the conversation to a disscussion of their childhood. I ask a lot of open ended questions about what it felt like to be punished, what thought patterns accompanied those experiences, etc. Accept everything they say without judgment or critique. Let them talk -- the good news is that they are thinking it through.

People who perpetuate patterns of generational abuse are not generally going to be argued out of it. Its not that kind of problem. By acknowleging that we were harmed/wronged when we were most vulnerable, we open up a whole host of emotionally packed issues and concerns that some people are just not ready to face.









:


----------



## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
I always aknowledge that they are fine (even if they are not.







) . "You *are* a nice person."

That was done for me, and said to me, by a good friend who influenced my decision to stop spanking.







I've always appreciated the gentle reassurance.


----------



## coldfeet (Jun 2, 2006)

Thank you for all your insight, mamas!







I really appreciate this discussion. And I really like some of the one liners.


----------



## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
I would love to say my motivation for being gentle with dd is solely because she deserves to be treated with respect -- but that is only part of it. I am gentle with dd because I made a choice long ago that *I* don't want to be the kind of person that hits another person, especially a defenseless person who depends on me for everything, as way of terrifying them into submission.That kind of person is not someone I respect. I want any child of mine (or anyone else for that matter) to feel safe with me.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *traceface* 
For me, it's not about how my child will turn out - who knows what the future holds? - but more just about living in line with my values, which includes not hitting another person.

I needed to quote these two very wise women. I think that this has been my reason for GD all along, but I haven't been eloquent enough to state it in these ways.

I don't spank because I don't want to be the kind of person who spanks. Sounds so simple but it says so much.

I also realized something else about parenting. I used to (arrogantly) think that I was given to my daughter to teach her. I humbly now recognize that she was given to me so that I might learn from her. One of the things that she has taught me is gentle discipline.


----------



## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crazydiamond* 
I always want to respond with "But did you, though?"


----------



## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
I want my kids to be better than just OK.


----------

