# Ouch...ouch ouch - people can be thoughtless...



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Gosh I tell you. People can be thoughtless.

Now I know this is just a thoughtless thing to say but boy, it's got me down now. Here's what my BIL told me about an hour ago (and now I'm really feeling it).

He was away the whole time trucking and didn't get to see Josie or be at the funeral. I asked if he'd seen pictures of Josie and he said no, an so I told him I'd bring some round. Well then I explain what happened, and he said something along the lines of "gosh, well, you should have been at the hospital in the first place, not going along with one of these crazy schemes..." (meaning home birth).

Well now I just feel like a deflated balloon someone stamped on. I explained that had we been at the hospital they would likely not have been able to save her either (though of course, it might have been a possibility - we just don't know) and he nodded. But gosh - jeez I feel shot in the chest. How the heck am I going to feel better after that? I really wish that hadn't been said.

Has anyone else been told something similar?


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## yummymummy2hannah (Aug 23, 2006)

I'm so sorry mama! That is just to terrible to hear.
I did have some heartless things told to me too. The worst one I remember is from my sister in law who had lost an infant son days after birth this year. I thought she would be the most understanding! Sooooo wrong...
Well, I was talking to my brother crying the day my milk came in after I lost Nathaniel. I was just heartbroken that he wasn't alive to drink my liquid love. Well, she over heard and got all excited and smiley and said "Jon! (my brother) Ask her if she will pump her milk for _____(her other son).







:
It hurt me so bad that she took my pain and sadness as a benefit to her. BTW, she stopped nursing her son for her own reasons and not medical. My milk was for my son. Maybe that is selfish, but it hurt me to the core.


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Oh JayJay, I'm so sorry he said that to you. How horrible and beyond thoughtless. Ouch. It sounds hard that it is your BIL too, who you will probably have to see again. You really were doing the VERY BEST for Josie. It wasn't in your fault!!! Can you tell him how hurt you were by his (completely, completely thoughtless) comment, or will he just come out with something equally stupid? Wow. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this kind of thing on top of everything else. I'll be thinking of you.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Oh Mama ((hugs)), I have had to deal with that alot. Funny thing is it has been mainly hardcore homebirth advocates.

The heck with them. The reality is that stillbirths normally aren't preventable and even women with doctors who go to the hospital have them. If your BIL was all knowing like he thinks he is, he would know this.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND SHOULD NOT BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE THIS IS YOUR FAULT, IT IS NOT!!!!!


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## mammabunny (May 8, 2008)

I can't believe he said that! It's just wrong, so wrong. Obviously it's his opinion. Not that you even asked him for his opinion. And he wasn't offering any support or sympathy, and certainly wasn't helping your situation in any way. I know it hurts when people say things, or don't say things. It will bother you and you're justified to be bothered. Maybe you need to talk to your BIL and let him know how he hurt you.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Please don't let his comment get to you. Of course you would NEVER harm your precious Josie! Babies die just as easily in hospitals... then where can people place the blame? I'm sorry you had to hear him say that to you.. maybe he just didn't know what to say and that's the first thing that popped out?


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm sorry jayjay ... people can be thoughtless (((HUGS)))


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

I'm so sorry he said that to you.









Many people need to be able to place blame, when something senseless or horrible happens. Whatever he says, whatever he thinks, it's only his thoughts, his words are not the truth.

From my experience, so many people don't believe that babies can just die, for no reason, and with no warning. Many of us on this board have had to learn that, and it's unfortunate that many in the outside world don't understand what a painful experience it is.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

What an ignorant thing to say. How horrible for you to have him put his righteous (sp) beliefs on you. I would NOT say a word to him- I would have DH be the one to say that he was out of line. I also would not put any stalk into what he spewed- 'cause it's the "what if's" that will make anyone go crazy. You did the best you could, lovved her through it all and are now doing the best to honor her presence on this world. Sending HUGS and lot's of unconditional LOVE!!!


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Hugs, Jayjay. I was at a birth center across the street from a hosptial. My CNM detected normal heartrate decelerations during contractions and decided to transfer me to the hospital so that I could be on the continuous EFM while pushing. One minute Baker's heartbeat was strong, and 3 min later it was questionable/gone. I had a crash C/S and woke up to DH holding our dead baby. The OB who did my surgery later told me that babies die in hospitals, too. She's heard of moms in labor at a hospital who take a walk around the L&D floor or go to the bathroom, and baby's heartbeat is gone when she returns. It happens and there is no sense to it. It's useless to try to be rational about the death of a baby.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Gosh, I know - babies do die every day. Like you said Dalene (and others) even in hospital (oh my!). I think it was just him not thinking - because if he had thought before speaking, I seriously think he'd have realized what that kind of a comment could do to a grieving mother. You'd think anyone would realize that after thinking - and I don't think he's mean, just didn't think. Doesn't effect how it made me feel though!

I am sorry for anyone else's experience with these kinds of silly things. All we can do is educate I think. I told Harry about it and I think he was quite irked, but Harry has a quiet way about things. I don't feel so bad now as I did two days ago, so that's good!







Hugs to everyone!


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm sorry JayJay, for your loss and your thoughtless bil.








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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

I haven't had anyone actually say it to me but I am always in fear of it because we are UCers. I detected Micah had no hb at home and went to the hospital so he was not a UC but I always feel like people are going to judge me because we planned him to be. If someone doesn't know that he was born in the hospital I feel automatically as though they are thinking the same thing your thoughtless BIL said. I can only relate in that way but I can imagine I would feel just as you do.


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## karmamama (Mar 5, 2008)

Yes, this has happened to me, too.

Many people in my family did not call me while I was in the hospital recovering. They were against a homebirth and later said things like,"It was preventable" referring to my daughter's stillbirth because she died on the way to the hospital.

I don't know whether or not they intend it, but I feel like they are outright blaming me when they say things like that. Also, noone mentions my daughter, Nema. To me, this feels like there is shame and disgrace wrapped around her death.

This is really a reflection of my family's lack of wisdom and knowledge about homebirths but it hurts terribly just the same.

I'm sorry to hear this type of ignorance is affecting you, too.

What we need is compassion and understanding not judgement to add to our grief!


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## MaidenMoon (Nov 10, 2008)

I'm sorry...people can be so insensitive and even downright cruel.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

That WAS plain insensitive and mean. I'm so sorry that you had to hear that during a time you should be getting only love and support.
I can't believe he would go there.
Babies die in hospitals too...I personally think they are at higher risk in the hospital. The US Infant mortality rate is really high and our nation's women predominantly give birth in the hospital.
I know it's not easy...but rest assured that his comment was assonine!


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

I am so sorry.. that was kind of thoughtless for him to say...


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## TTC Catholic (Jul 7, 2008)

Oh JayJay









I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am for these selfish, thoughtless comments. I've heard many people say that some people just don't know what to say after a loss like that, but there is no excuse. As one of my best friends reminded me, "If you don't have anything nice to say, shut your big fat mouth".

I had a similar experience. After 15 months of infertility, it looked as if we were finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel, when I saw two pink lines on my HPT. At eight weeks and five days, the U/S tech couldn't find the heartbeat (even though it was there at six weeks), and my OB quickly determined that my baby died in utero. This happened less than three weeks ago.

I couldn't bear to wait for my baby's remains to pass (even the five days I had to wait between Aiden's death and the surgery were unbearable, knowing I was carrying my deceased baby's remains). Two hours before my scheduled surgery I received a nasty e-mail from a supposed "friend" because we chose Taylor for Aiden's middle name. This is her nephew's (and my godson's) name. She said I had no right to name my baby without first talking to Taylor's parents (who, by the way, were perfectly okay with our choice of name and did nothing but send their love and condolences).

My sister sent an e-mail defending me, as she knew how much I had been through, and the last thing my family needed were cruel comments. Since then my entire family and I have endured relentlessly cruel comments (via my sister's e-mail) from this woman and another one of Taylor's aunts, verbally attacking my sister, my mom, and me. They were bringing up things that never happened and were completely irrelevant to anything.

So I know to an extent of how you're feeling; you expect people to be loving and sympathetic at the most unbearable time of your life, and you get blindsided by cruelty. I am so sorry that anyone ever has to endure the loss of a child, let alone cruel comments that follow.

I wish you all the best in your healing. Know that you are not alone. A couple of good websites are www.silentgrief.com and www.pregnancyloss.info/. If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me or e-mail me at [email protected].

God bless you, and although I know it seems impossible, try to have a Merry Christmas.

Kristin Cortez


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