# When mommy and daddy have different last names



## Pen_esque (Feb 12, 2008)

DH and I are married (er...obviously) but I did not change my name. Now that we're expecting this raises a question as to what to do with baby. None of the available options is appealing to us. Neither of us like the hyphenated surname route (oy, imagine then if baby ending up marrying another hyphenated lastnamer and then _their_ child would have 4 last names!









DH suggested if it's a boy we use his name and a girl we use mine, but I can't imagine that his parents would be to happy with that if it's a girl.

We've talked about both changing our names to something else entirely, or me just sucking it up and taking his name. Maybe if I ignore the problem, it'll go away.









Has anyone else had to deal with this?


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## Literate (Jan 4, 2006)

It's not very original, but since I kept my name* the kids are FirstName MyLastName DH'sLastName. No hyphen. So, essentially my name is their middle name. It's not great, but it works.

*which leads to this discussion pretty often: "Oh, you kept your maiden name?" "No, I kept my name."


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## Blooming (Feb 16, 2006)

Oh, I like that suggestion. We never could deceide, so much so that by the time I went into labor (2 weeks late) and the nurse came into the hospital bathroom where I was laboring and asked what will the babies last name be? I said "I dont bleepin know you dedeide." He ended up with his DH's last name.

Every once and a while DS asks me to change my name so we all have the same name. I wish my last name would of made a better middle name.


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## katheek77 (Mar 13, 2007)

DD's name is hyphenated Mine-His.

When she's an adult/gets married, she can keep both, drop mine, drop his, take her husband's, make up a new one, whatever.

In Spain (where I lived for a while), the children generally get their Fathers Mothers as their last name, and keep them throughout their lives. So, the mom's last name was Garcia Garcia (for real), the father's was Martinez Castanos, and the children's last name was Martinez Garcia.


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## EVC (Jan 29, 2006)

Dd has dh's last name. I like the idea of hyphenated last names for children, by my last name and dh's last name just don't sound right together. I also like the option of giving the mother's last name as a middle name


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## abi&ben'smom (Oct 28, 2007)

I didn't change my name either. Both kids have his last name. Same thing with 2 families in our neighborhood. I think it's more common these days. I've never had any issues. (Both our names are really long, so that just didn't seem practical to hyphenate!) I think that sometimes at their school, the teachers may at first think that we aren't married; which when we meet them, and we are both wearing rings they might figure it out. Or they may think I'm not their real mom; which when they meet me it is really obvious I am because they look just like me! Either way, I don't really care. If they ask, I tell them that I didn't change my name (I've even had one of their teachers that didn't change her name either!).

Now that the kids are older, and they noticed that my last name is different, if they ask why, I just tell them that women have a choice whether they want to change their name or not; and that I didn't want to. They say "oh", and are on to the next thing.


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

I have my name, the kids have dh's last name. I just went with tradition. I mean, I like my name becuase its me, but I have no attachment to it as a tie to my family as my father was...absent at best. Now, if I had ever changed my name to my grandfathers last name Im sure Id feel more strongly about it. I use to think that I would change my name by the time they went to school to avoid confusion but since they wont being going to school.... also, for now, it keeps ds1 (who I had before dh) from being the only person in the house with a diffrent last name.


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## Pen_esque (Feb 12, 2008)

Hmmm. Given that we've even considered using an anagram of our last names, I can't believe we had not considered using my last name as the middle name. It doesn't work great (given my last name), but at least it's another option for us and I like it better than the hyphenated. Thanks!

Using DH's last name and explaining that 'mommy chose not to change her name when she married daddy'...there's something bugging me about the question that (for me at least) would follow: "why do I have daddy's last name and not yours?" Now I'm not attached to either of our names, and I feel like baby's first name will be more important. But if I don't change my name out of choice, why do we give my DS or DD my husband's name over mine or any other? The only answers I can come up with are 'because it's easier', 'that's what people expect' or 'that's just how it's done'. It wouldn't have satisfied me when I was an inquisitive child, and it doesn't satisfy me now.

Screw it. First name only, like Cher!


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## teachma (Dec 20, 2002)

I did not change my last name. My children use my husband's last name. Since they were very little, I have always told them, "I have _my_ daddy's last name, and you have _your_ daddy's last name." It just made sense to them, and they've never questioned it.


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## Pen_esque (Feb 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *teachma* 
"I have _my_ daddy's last name, and you have _your_ daddy's last name." It just made sense to them, and they've never questioned it.

Oooh. I like that!


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

I was adopted by my mom's 2nd husband, my 'dad'... My name was changed as a result.

Dh was adopted from Cambodia, and his name was changed then.

We played around with the idea of hyphenating our names together, when we got married, (we got married when dd was 18 mo) so we would all be the Hisname-Mynames. (and at the time, my 1st name was still hyphenated to my middle name, so that was funny!)

Upon reflection, dh and I felt that one name-change in a person's life is enough, so we both kept our names.

Dd has the hyphen. She's one part me, and one part dh; and we are both products of the environments and traditions we were brought into (be it via adoption or birth)... what better way to reflect the familial connections than to carry both family names? We saw it as a gift. Additionally, we felt it was the best compromise... The idea being that when she is 15, (an age of entrance into maturity, signifying the embarking into adulthood) she may choose to exclude one or the other, and just go by one surname. We have a similar arrangement (based on Old World tradition) regarding her first and middle name.

His family wasn't thrilled, and mine was ambivalent. But honestly, what other people think of our decisions doesn't play much into our life... for better or worse.

OT mostly: Dh's family also thinks it's bad luck to name a child after a living relative, (something about it being like a curse on the living relative, or something) so, really, what they thought of the naming of our child carried little weight with me. One of our name options for a boy, should we have one, is based upon my family's tradition involving naming your son after your brother and changing it up... starting with my great great uncle Marion Llewellyn, who was called Llewellyn, then to my great uncle Llewellyn Jon who was called Lew, to my uncle Llewellyn Robert who goes by Bobby, then my brother named Robert Jon goes by Robbie or Rob, and _my_ son would be Robert Jet (or something) and go by Jet (or something). This carried far more weight than whether my in-laws approved, their primary concern being dh's uncle Rob whom is also alive, and they are worried that naming a baby Robert would bring him bad luck... whatev.









Go with your heart, nevermind what people will think. It's up to _them_ to adapt to you and your child, not up to _you_ to adapt your child to their peculiarities. You chose to keep your own surname, so it seems that name must have meaning to you as more than an identifying tag... if 'sucking it up' and changing it to your spouse's name isn't somthing that is natural and desirable for you, don't do it to appease someone else! By the same token, if you value that part of you and your identity enough to give it to your child, then embrace it as such and sweep the 'inconvenience' of it under the rug... your child will do what he or she wants with the name as an adult anyway... maybe more so because you made the choices you made... kwim? Good luck!


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Last names is a funny talk in our house. I have my given last name. DP has his last name. DS (biologically mine but not dp's) has his biological father's last name. Yup, 3 people together and not one of them shares the same last name. Eh, whatever. Kinda funny to see cards/mail addressed to us though







We've talked about when we get married what we're doing. I like the idea of hyphonating my last name-DP's last name. But then that still leaves ds out of the picture. So I want to change his last name to bio-dad's last name-my last name. Then we all kinda sorta share somewhat of the same last name







: I don't want to take off his bio-dad's last name completely, even though he's not in the picture, because- as much as I don't like it- it *is* his biological father and I won't ever deny it.


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## pumpkin (Apr 8, 2003)

We are going with boys get DH's name, girls get mine.
Hyphenating isn't sustainable. Expecting adults to change their names is just wrong.

As far as carrying on the family name, or what our parents think. I don't care. In fact, my family name will die with me if we don't have a girl. Its a very rare name with only a few lines in the U.S. carrying the name. That's just the way it is.


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## OhMel (Oct 16, 2002)

Our munchkins have my dh's name as it is more unique (he is 1st gen American) and he has more attachment to it. I kinda wish we had given them my last name as their middle names but it's not a big regret.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkin* 
We are going with boys get DH's name, girls get mine.
Hyphenating isn't sustainable. Expecting adults to change their names is just wrong.

As far as carrying on the family name, or what our parents think. I don't care. In fact, my family name will die with me if we don't have a girl. Its a very rare name with only a few lines in the U.S. carrying the name. That's just the way it is.

Why is hyphenating not sustainable? One of my finest mentors has a hyphenated last name, and she's married; she kept her hyphenated 'maiden' name. Just wondering why you chose to think it's not sustainable?

Also, is it the 'expectation' that an afult child may _want_ to change his or her name that you thinkis wrong, or the changing of the name itself you think is wrong?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OhMel* 
Our munchkins have my dh's name as it is more unique (he is 1st gen American) and he has more attachment to it. I kinda wish we had given them my last name as their middle names but it's not a big regret.

Dd is also a 1st gen American citizen.


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## pumpkin (Apr 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
Why is hyphenating not sustainable? One of my finest mentors has a hyphenated last name, and she's married; she kept her hyphenated 'maiden' name. Just wondering why you chose to think it's not sustainable?

The problem is when 2 people with hyphenated names have children. Their kids will have 4 last names, the grandkids 8, the great-grandkids 16.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Also, is it the 'expectation' that an afult child may [I*
want[/I] to change his or her name that you thinkis wrong, or the changing of the name itself you think is wrong?

I have a huge problem with the expectation. Obviously adults can do whatever they want.

From a practical standpoint its a bad idea in my world. Imagine being published, gaining a professional reputation, and then changing your name. For the rest of your life you have to explain that you changed your name. At the very least a resume requires a footnote. When people look for things you have written, earlier works will not automatically come up. Every person I know who has changed their name regretted it.


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## mirthfulmum (Mar 3, 2003)

Dh took my name after we were married so our three kids took my family's name. My last name was shorter, easier to spell/pronounce and it ment more to me that we all have the same last name.

I have friends who created a new family name by blending the 2 last names. I have friends who both changed their last name to an ancestral name they both had in common. I have friends who came up with an entirely new last name they felt suited their family. And I know of a family who took the mother's mother's last name.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

I didn't change my name but we gave DD DH's last name. It was important to him tradition-wise and I have no problem with it, it's just a name and his is easier to spell anyways


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## JuniperMama (Sep 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Literate* 
It's not very original, but since I kept my name* the kids are FirstName MyLastName DH'sLastName. No hyphen. So, essentially my name is their middle name. It's not great, but it works.

*which leads to this discussion pretty often: "Oh, you kept your maiden name?" "No, I kept my name."

We did the same thing First Name, Middle Name (DH's brother's first name), 2nd Middle Name (my last name) and Last Name is DH's last name.

Its working for us so far. The only place its been weird is like dealing with the ped's office when they ask my name and I have to explain that they won't find DS under that last name. Otherwise, its been fine.









We didn't want to do the hyphenate thing for the same reason - what if they married a hyphenate? Then what?









We did talk about going back through family trees and picking a new name for the whole family. We both really liked that idea except that DH is literally the last one in his family line so he felt like he needed to keep his name and pass it on. There are men all over my family so it wasn't a big deal to me in that way. My brother has 4 names in the same models as what we did with DS and its worked for him his whole life so I figured it was a good solution.









HTH

ETA: I worked with a couple who had 4 kids - 2 with her last name and 2 with his last name. THAT was confusing! I am not a fan. We also had a family that had combined their last names for the children only so mom and dad kept their given names and then the kids had the combo name. This meant 3 last names for this family which just sort of seemed overly complicated. I get it when there's a blended family situation but they chose it that way which really did not make sense to me. But then that's just me...


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## CharlieBrown (Jan 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *teachma* 
I did not change my last name. My children use my husband's last name. Since they were very little, I have always told them, "I have _my_ daddy's last name, and you have _your_ daddy's last name." It just made sense to them, and they've never questioned it.

That's what I tell my children.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Why can't he suck it up and take your name? Why can't you give your kids your name?


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## janiecakes (Jul 4, 2007)

We decided that boys get Firstname Middlename Mylastname Hislastname and girls get Firstname Middlename Hislastname Mylastname. No hyphenation. I'm sure we will get flack from some of our family but they'll survive.

edited to add: At the moment we have a son, so we haven't gotten flack from anyone because he has my partner's last name. The flack will come if we have a girl next time!


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## One Art (Nov 9, 2005)

My dd's have a hyphenated last name. I don't think it is "wrong" to do that to them, or consider it a huge issue if they want to marry someone who also has a hyphenated last name. We did it this way per the Spanish/Latin American tradition because it recognizes both mother and father, for one, and because it is such a wonderful way to trace lineage. Honestly, even if a great grand kid had 16 names, they wouldn't use them all, and probably only their birth certificate and ss card would require them to all be listed. I don't see why it is considered to be such a hassle, i guess...


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## Pen_esque (Feb 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Why can't he suck it up and take your name? Why can't you give your kids your name?

He _could_, but why should he? I kept my name, he kept his name. Fine. Likewise giving the child my name, we _could_ but that leaves out his name.

I wasn't trying to say that there is a right or a wrong way to do this, just that we don't like any of the options we've been able to come up with _for us_.

There's nothing wrong with wives taking their husbands name, husbands taking their wives name, wives taking their wives names, hyphenating, blending, inverting or inventing.

We just don't know yet what's right for my husband and I and this delicious baby, who will carry a bit of each of us, and our families and our hopes and joys and love out into the world. And yes, the name we choose to give.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

OP, if the only argument against giving the kids different names is that his parents wouldn't like it, I'd respectfully say that in this situation, you and your husband are the parents. His parents' job is to smile and love their grandchildren.

I kept my name when I married. We have two sons. One has my last name, one has dh's last name. That's fair and works for us. We'd have done it the same way no matter what gender our kids were.

(Each has the nonlastname parent's last name as a middle name).

Good luck working this out!


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkin* 
The problem is when 2 people with hyphenated names have children. Their kids will have 4 last names, the grandkids 8, the great-grandkids 16.

Ok, I can see what you are saying...

I understand the initial concern for the "What if she/he marries another hyphenate?" scenario, but really, won't people just deal with it themselves, just as we all are doing, and find what works for them?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkin* 
I have a huge problem with the expectation. Obviously adults can do whatever they want.

From a practical standpoint its a bad idea in my world. Imagine being published, gaining a professional reputation, and then changing your name. For the rest of your life you have to explain that you changed your name. At the very least a resume requires a footnote. When people look for things you have written, earlier works will not automatically come up. Every person I know who has changed their name regretted it.

OH! So what you're referring to is the tradition of an adult woman getting married and being expected to take her husband's family name? Cuz that makes sense to me, and is part in parcel with why dh and I didn't change our names. I'm a writer, he's a musician. I thought at first you were referring to when children grow up and chose to possibly change the nam (or names, in the hyphenate case) their folks gave them...?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *teachma* 
"I have _my_ daddy's last name, and you have _your_ daddy's last name."

I do like this very much.


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## katheek77 (Mar 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pumpkin* 
The problem is when 2 people with hyphenated names have children. Their kids will have 4 last names, the grandkids 8, the great-grandkids 16.

I have a huge problem with the expectation. Obviously adults can do whatever they want.

From a practical standpoint its a bad idea in my world. Imagine being published, gaining a professional reputation, and then changing your name. For the rest of your life you have to explain that you changed your name. At the very least a resume requires a footnote. When people look for things you have written, earlier works will not automatically come up. Every person I know who has changed their name regretted it.

Your first point assumes that every descendant will do exactly what his/her parents did. Which this thread demonstrates is not true at least half the time. In real life, none of my friends have done the same thing regarding their name/spouse's name/child's name.

Secondly, no one is saying the child-now-adult HAS to change their name. They have the *option* - that's a big difference. I don't see how it's any different than a woman who changes her name after getting married but keeps her maiden name for professional reasons. Plenty of women do that all the time. Your point also presumes that everyone has a driving professional ambition.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pen_esque* 
<snip>
There's *nothing wrong with wives taking their husbands name, husbands taking their wives name, wives taking their wives names, hyphenating, blending, inverting or inventing*.

We just don't know yet what's right for my husband and I and this delicious baby, who will carry a bit of each of us, and our families and our hopes and joys and love out into the world. And yes, the name we choose to give.

That's wonderful... I like what you said up there in the bold...

The right path will reveal itself to you. Stay true to your heart.

We went rounds about dd's first name and middle, at first, and then I had a dream where she was 4 (and she told me so) and she introduced herself to me and even provided the spelling of her first name. Phew! _That_ was a relief! Lol!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
OP, if the only argument against giving the kids different names is that his parents wouldn't like it, I'd respectfully say that in this situation, you and your husband are the parents. His parents' job is to smile and love their grandchildren.

I kept my name when I married. We have two sons. One has my last name, one has dh's last name. That's fair and works for us. We'd have done it the same way no matter what gender our kids were.

(Each has the nonlastname parent's last name as a middle name).

Good luck working this out!

I really like the last name as a middle name thing, too... and were dd to remove the hyphen, it would be the same with her name... cool.


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## lerlerler (Mar 31, 2004)

our negotiation? my religion, DHs lastname. we decided before we got married!


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## gmvh (Nov 26, 2003)

My children also have my last name as a middle name and my husband's as a last name. I didn't change my name.

We have just started parttime daycare and I have written their full names on every paper so my connection to them will be more immediately recognizable BUT the daycare has treated this as two last names and are filing everything under my name vs. my husband's. Oh well.

How wonderful to have a partner who will spend so much time considering things! Mine would barely discuss the issue - oh course the children would just have his name. Grr...


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## Pen_esque (Feb 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
OP, if the only argument against giving the kids different names is that his parents wouldn't like it, I'd respectfully say that in this situation, you and your husband are the parents. His parents' job is to smile and love their grandchildren.

I hear ya.

I won't say I don't care what his parents think, but our naming of the child won't be ruled by that.

My original post was a bit more tongue-in-cheek than some of the replies would seem to indicate.

I'll think we'll just go with Asparagus Spacemouse.


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## UmmBnB (Mar 28, 2005)

Ds has my last name, Dd has dh's last name.


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## katheek77 (Mar 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pen_esque* 
I'll think we'll just go with Asparagus Spacemouse.









Your child will be called @SS-Mouse!

Or @ss Mouse. Depending on whether it's hyphenated or not


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## Pen_esque (Feb 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katheek77* 
Your child will be called @SS-Mouse!

Uhhh...Ass Mouse? I like it!!!


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

DD has DH's lastname and we dropped my name all together. Our names hyphenated would have made Jay Leno so that was out. DH was insistent that we use his lastname because he didn't want people to think he was the stepdad and I agreed even though I don't like it very much. Honestly, I wanted to use DH's first name as a lastname for DD but he wouldn't agree to it.

OT: DH's brother changed his name to his mom's maiden name after he grew up and he never regretted it.


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## april77 (Apr 26, 2003)

I kept my last name, dh kept his and both kids have his. At the time dd was born, dh was very insistent about her having his name so I conceded. Now dh wishes we had given dd my last name and ds his, which was what I was arguing for.


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## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

My son has his father's last name. Mine was supposed to be there too, but I messed up and never put it on the form! Thanks, Demerol,







. Honestly, it didn't matter to me what last name he had.


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## mama_ani (Aug 2, 2007)

We have a very confusing last name issue in our house.

My daughters legally have my ex's last name. None of them use it socially though. Socially they use my last name the most or occasionally X's Last Name-My Last Name-My Dh's Last Name... which is long and drawn out and confusing.

My son has my Dh's last name. Dh has his last name, and I have mine. I think baby (I'm 38 weeks pregnant now) will have Dh's last name too though the joke is, that if the baby I'm pregnant with is a girl she'll have my last name since the girls mostly go by my last name.

When DH and I married we fought for so long about what last name I would take. I thought it would make more sense for my dh to change his last name to my last name since the girls went by it too. He wouldn't even hear of it. Ironically lately he's been saying he wished he had.


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## lemurmommies (Jan 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Literate* 
It's not very original, but since I kept my name* the kids are FirstName MyLastName DH'sLastName. No hyphen. So, essentially my name is their middle name. It's not great, but it works.

This is exactly what we did, except in my case I'm married to another woman. I carried the baby, if that makes any difference. Our son's name is FirstName TwoMiddleNames MyLastName HerLastName. In everyday use, we just call him FirstName HerLastName.

FWIW, we were married in the province of Quebec, where getting married is not considered legal grounds to change your name. If we had been married somewhere else, I may well have changed my last name to hers.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pen_esque* 
He _could_, but why should he? I kept my name, he kept his name. Fine. Likewise giving the child my name, we _could_ but that leaves out his name.

I wasn't trying to say that there is a right or a wrong way to do this, just that we don't like any of the options we've been able to come up with _for us_.

There's nothing wrong with wives taking their husbands name, husbands taking their wives name, wives taking their wives names, hyphenating, blending, inverting or inventing.

We just don't know yet what's right for my husband and I and this delicious baby, who will carry a bit of each of us, and our families and our hopes and joys and love out into the world. And yes, the name we choose to give.

The only reason I mentioned those things is that you left them out of your op but mentioned you sucking it up and taking his last name or giving the kids his last name. It is like these options don't exist for some people.


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## captivatedlife (Aug 16, 2006)

I have mylastname, dh has hislastname, e. has mylastnamehislastname. One day, we're supposed to all have the same last name.... that's just too difficult right now. I'm way to lazy.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pen_esque* 
DH and I are married (er...obviously) but I did not change my name. Now that we're expecting this raises a question as to what to do with baby. None of the available options is appealing to us. Neither of us like the hyphenated surname route (oy, imagine then if baby ending up marrying another hyphenated lastnamer and then _their_ child would have 4 last names!









DH suggested if it's a boy we use his name and a girl we use mine, but I can't imagine that his parents would be to happy with that if it's a girl.

We've talked about both changing our names to something else entirely, or me just sucking it up and taking his name. Maybe if I ignore the problem, it'll go away.









Has anyone else had to deal with this?


I kept my last name. The children have dh's last name. Why? Because it mattered more to him than to me.


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## nolansmummy (Apr 19, 2005)

Quote:

I kept my last name. The children have dh's last name. Why? Because it mattered more to him than to me.
Same here. Dh wanted me to change my last name, but honestly i just don't want to. My mom regrets it to this day that she changed hers. There hasn't been any confusion yet.
I tried getting dh to change his last name to mine, but he didn't want to . I kind of used it as a way to explain how i felt about the situation.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

Our kid's have a combo of DH's last name and my last name. The last 3 letters of mine followed by the last 4 letters of his. I like it so much that I may change my name to it.


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Literate* 
It's not very original, but since I kept my name* the kids are FirstName MyLastName DH'sLastName. No hyphen. So, essentially my name is their middle name. It's not great, but it works.

*which leads to this discussion pretty often: "Oh, you kept your maiden name?" "No, I kept my name."

We did the same exact thing with both of our dc's.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

we hypenate their last names hislastname-mylastname. I figure they can do whatever they want when they grow up. But it would be cool if dds passed on their mother'slastname (hypenated with spouses name) to their children and dss passed on their father'slastname (hypenated with spouses) ro children; if everyone did these we'd have patrarchal and matriarchal lines and the multiple hyphens fear would be solved.

good luck. you can't go wrong with names. just figure out what symbolics matter to you.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I actually took DH's name for 6 years, and two DC. It was not me, and I had regretted it the entire time so I changed back last year to my maiden name. I also changed the DD's names, they have both of our names now. Neither one of us were too interested in a hypen so the DD's have two last names without the hypen.


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## marieangela (Apr 15, 2003)

I kept my last name and both of our boys have my last name. She has his last name. My mil wasn't particularly fond of this, but she doesn't even have the same last name as dh. And they're our kids. I get called Mrs. hislastname sometime, he gets called Mr. mylastname slightly more often. We both just deal with it. Sometimes correct people, sometimes not. If people are really nosey and it matters to them whether he is really their father, all they have to do is look at the boys-they look a lot like daddy.


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## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

I haven't read all the responses, so sorry if this has morphed into something else. I don't care what our last name is, as long as we all have the same one. It's too complicated for me to be worrying about it. We discussed him taking my name, me taking his name, both changing our names. (We didn't discuss hyphenation. Our names have the same letters, and it looks like a misprint to hyphenate)

Obviously, we had the baby before the wedding, so we had to sort out what we were going to do. In the end, Baby has his last name and when we get married in August I will take his last name too. I don't like having a different last name to my baby, it bothers me deep down inside and I can't wait to have the same one!


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## waiflywaif (Oct 17, 2005)

See, and it doesn't bother me in the least to have a different last name than my daughter. I guess everyone is different. She has my last name as one of her middle names, and her last name is the same as my DH. Her first name just sounded better with his last.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

Didn't read all the thread -

my partner & I aren't married, but the baby is going to have his lastname. This has been a HUGE battle.

My parents are married, & I have my mother's lastname. It was never an issue as a kid, having parents with different names or having my mum's name instead of my dad's. Given how many blended families there are, I imagine different surname combinations are getting more & more common.


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## spedteacher30 (Nov 20, 2005)

we didn't want to hyphenate, but ended up doing so because we couldn't decide what else to do. it was important to us that both of us have a named connection to the kids.

Thankfully, both of us have short (5 letter) last names, and together the new last name is only 3 syllables long.

Now we like it, and figure it is up to Bigfella to figure out what to do as an adult.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Literate* 

*which leads to this discussion pretty often: "Oh, you kept your maiden name?" "No, I kept my name."

Love this!


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## katheek77 (Mar 13, 2007)

spedteacher30;10832357\Thankfully said:


> That was one of the reasons hyphenating was the way we went...I have a four letter, one-syllable name, DH has a six letter, one-syllable name.
> 
> If I had a Polish last name like Wisniewski, and he had a German last name like Schneiderhamm, I don't think we would have hyphenated


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## littlecityfarmer (Apr 27, 2004)

Names are a sort of ongoing issue in the house... I kept my name when we married, but I hyphenate half the time to Mine-His. Kids all have DH's name. I have not officially changed my name, but DH have been talking about all 5 of us legally changing our names to MyName-HisName... Er, um, we were talking about it ages ago, so maybe I'll reinitiate the conversation....


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## Ellie'sMom (Aug 10, 2002)

An irl friend (and MDC mama,







if you read this!) used the following method. For the first babe, if it was born on an even # day it got one parent's name, on an odd # day, it got the other. Baby #2 will get the name of the parent who lost out the first time around. Not sure how subsequent babies will be handled. I think this is a great way to handle it. It's such an arbitrary decision anyway.

My kids have dh's name because. 1) my last name is the name of a man my mom was married to before I was born. A man I've never even met. I feel connected to the name because it's my mom's name, but I have no genetic connection to it. 2) I considered changing my name (for the above reasons) for a long time. I might still do it someday.

I also have several friends who've picked new, personally meaningful names for their family name.


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## Ceili (Nov 21, 2001)

I kept my name and ds has my last name. My logic was that as the at home parent I would be ds's primary care-giver and the one dealing with doctors, teachers, etc.

We didn't have any blow-back from family, dh's mom has been remarried twice since she was married to dh's dad and dh's dad passed away when he was young. We gave ds a family name from dh's family (his maternal grandmother's maiden name) as a middle name.


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## annexk8 (Nov 22, 2005)

Our kids have hyphenated names - our last names are short and sound good together. They can decide what they want to do when they get married/have kids, just like we did.

Actually, I kind of wish DH and I had hyphenated our names when we got married, because I really like our kids' last name. But I don't think either one of us wanted to go to the trouble of changing our names at work, school, etc.

It does get confusing when people send us mail, etc., but it's not too bad.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

I added DH's last name to mine, and all our kids will have his last name.


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## nataliebassoon (Feb 20, 2008)

We combined last names for our daughter, because hypenating would have been way too long. My last name = Moreland, dh = Harrington, our daughter: Gretchen Nancy Elizabeth Morelington
long enough as is, glad we didn't hyphenate!


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

We're not married and not going to marry and DS' last name is mylatname (space, no hyphen) BF'slastname. But that hasn't made my last name DS' middle name. His legal last name is X Y and there's been no confusion with that at all and DS hasn't ever wondered why his last name is different than mine or BF's and no one else has ever asked us about it.


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pen_esque* 
DH and I are married (er...obviously) but I did not change my name. Now that we're expecting this raises a question as to what to do with baby. None of the available options is appealing to us. Neither of us like the hyphenated surname route (oy, imagine then if baby ending up marrying another hyphenated lastnamer and then _their_ child would have 4 last names!









DH suggested if it's a boy we use his name and a girl we use mine, but I can't imagine that his parents would be to happy with that if it's a girl.

We've talked about both changing our names to something else entirely, or me just sucking it up and taking his name. Maybe if I ignore the problem, it'll go away.









Has anyone else had to deal with this?


Well, both DH and I kept our last names (an important thing I ALWAYS say if someone asks me about MY name and if I "kept" it...we BOTH decided consciously to keep our birth names). And we ended up hyphenating DS's name.

To us, trying to anticipate what DS might or might not do with his name with his future mate is not our business. At all.

If we decide it's our business, then we are no better than DH's family who would have conniptions and fall to pieces if they knew I kept my name and knew of DS's actual name....they are the type who say "the name must go on" and have a myth that it's some really rare name. Um, no, it's not rare, you can find them everywhere. Somewhere along the line my FIL heard it was a rare name and he kept that myth going... Anyway, they are pushy and think it's their business, and I have no interest in being THAT parent, so what DS might do with his name won't be my business either!

Helps that my own brother changed his first name at 18, and I had to counsel my mom through that (it was just changing a full name to a nickname...he was in the Air Force ROTC and was tired of being addressed by his legal name, so he changed his legal name), and I really saw what it was like from the name-changer's side.

Like I mentioned, we haven't told DH's family. We let our bank know that checks might be made out to a variety of names, and they are cool with that. His family gives cash more often anyway.

With my family, they are having a surprisingly difficult time figuring it out. Odd, b/c people in my dad's family aren't that different. The women who marry IN change their names, and the women born to the family do NOT seem to change their names. There's a whole lot of us not changing our names! My stepdad can't figure it out at all, even though I put it on every return address, every card, etc, to them. I'm B, hubby is W, DS is B-W. Not too hard! I've been able to keep up when my friends change their names, not sure why others can't do it for me.









Now that FIL has died, and part of the fallout was discovering even more what a "prize" of a guy he was throughout his life, hubby is seriously considering changing his name, either to mine or to a hyphen. I still have no plans to change my name. It just doesn't feel necessary. If DS gets confused about what family he belongs to because of a name, we have far more serious problems going on... My mom changed her last name to her second husband's when I was about 8, and I never felt weird about it. Only time it was brought up was when my teachers couldn't seem to remember my mom's name, and that only made me concerned about the teachers' brains, not what our names were!


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## ItsAllGood (Apr 4, 2007)

Cute thread!
We just stuck both last names together NO HYPEN!!
We even thought about choosing a famliy name. And seeing on the thread the ideas of an ancestral name is way cool!
To all the geneology buffs, keeping both names in the mix somehow is really great for obvious reasons. They they could follow the maternal line or the paternal line.
I did not change my name at all and would have never even considered it.

Shakespeare...."a rose by any other name, would still smell as sweet"


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

One of the reasons I decided to change my name when I married my dh was to avoid this situation. I don't really understand why our children should get his last name any more than my last name, but if I willingly changed my own name, I figured I wouldn't feel resentful.









I like some of the ideas here.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I kept my name when we got married (I'd already published under my name and wasn't changing it). I also didn't want to hyphen because together the names would have been 5 syllables. No one can pronounce my name, many people can't pronounce dh's name, why torture ourselves by hyphenating? And the combined name wouldn't have fit on any form any way.

But, since dh is the ONLY one in his family to have children (his sister didn't;; his only living cousin changed her name when she was married; her brother was killed in childhood) that COULD have his last name, I was fine with our kids having his last name. Actually, I like his last name better. So I'm happy with our kids having his last name. My kids haven't questioned it. Ds hasn't noticed yet, I don't think and dd's only comment has been: We have 3 Ns and one S in our family!

So, do you long for Victorian times when it would have been taken care of for you?


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## cyndimo (Jul 20, 2005)

My relationship with DP cannot be legally recognized as a marriage, and the state-level rights and privaleges (sp?) have sort of been trickleing in since the time in our relationship where we would have gotten married. So, we haven't had a big ceremony (figured once we had a house and a kid, what's the point of an expensive and legally meaningless party? kwim?)
Anyway - absent any specific marker to change either of our names, neither of us did. DS's last name is hyphenated mylast-herlast. It was really important to both of us for each of us to be identified as a parent by random strangers in authority positions. I wanted to be able to pick up DS at the school nurses' office and say "I'm Cyndi mylast, I'm C mylast-herlast's mom." And likewise for DP if the need arose. FWIW, there are no more young children in my extended family (as far apart on the family tree as I know about) with my last name and there are no decendents of DP's father's with that last name. So, this also allowed us to keep both names going for as long as DS wants to keep both names. We also named him after DP's maternal granfather (first name) and my maternal grandfather (middle name) - so DS is named after all of his great-grandfathers, which is sort of cool.
Since I'm a SAHM, DS often gets labeled as having just my lastname and I sometimes get labeled with the hyphenated name. I don't really mind it, and might have changed it to the hyphenated name anyway in different circumstances.

I really try not to overthink it too much - these days, there are so many families with so many names! I actually stop and wonder about those moms (of DS's friends) who changed their names - they are sort of a rarity around here it seems!

Good luck with whatever you choose!
Cyndi


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## starkyld (Aug 31, 2007)

We each kept our last names and will be hyphenating the podling's last name. Each of our last names are 2 syllables and the two of them sound good together. Neither one of us is comfortable with the kid not taking our name, so this is a good compromise for us. I've never found the "what if your child marries or mates with another hyphenated person" to be a compelling argument. If our children decide to drop one of the names at marriage or not pass along to their own children, that's fine, but we're giving them both and they can do with them as they wish.


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## Nicole77 (Oct 20, 2003)

Our children have my last name. I kept my name when I got married and my husband and I decided together that our children would have my last name not his. We liked the idea of a matrilineal naming tradition, especially since I am more attached to my name then he is to his, my siblings are all girls who changed their names and my father was the only boy in his family so the name was going to end with him. Also, I carried, fed with my body, and spend the majority of time with our children, both in the home and out in their world. I wanted them to have my name. On their birth certificates we put mylastname hislastname with no hyphen. But outside of that (social security cards, school and class registrations, doctor's offices, etc.) they use my last name exclusively.

I have never understood why we as women are so pressured to give our children their father's last names and discard our own. Plus, as a historian the origins behind women changing their names and children having their father's name make me a bit squeamish.

"More than convention was operating when women dropped their maiden names and assumed the names of their husbands, since according to (early American and European) common-law doctrine, a man and a woman became a single legal person upon marriage, and, as Blackstone opined for every country lawyer in those hundreds of midwestern villages, _that person was the husband_." (italics mine) -John Mack Faragher The World of the Family


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

ITA with you re: matrilineal naming and the patriarchal origins of the current naming situation.


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## Liquesce (Nov 4, 2006)

Well, I'm another one following a culturally different naming convention than the American one(s) ... in short each child gets their own first name + their father's full name, so in the end it works out Child'sName Father'sName Grandfather'sName, etc. That means that should I ever remarry and have more children, my first two would be TheirNames FirstHusband'sNames and any subsequent children would be TheirNames SecondHusband'sNames. (It probably sounds more complicated than it is.







)

For me I don't feel any less connected or important to my children for it. Whatever one might think of the patriarchal origins of such traditions, the fact remains that in my own life it's just an innocuous tradition which streamlines things in our community to avoid these kinds of questions needing to come up.







:


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starkyld* 
We each kept our last names and will be hyphenating the podling's last name. Each of our last names are 2 syllables and the two of them sound good together. Neither one of us is comfortable with the kid not taking our name, so this is a good compromise for us. I've never found the "what if your child marries or mates with another hyphenated person" to be a compelling argument. If our children decide to drop one of the names at marriage or not pass along to their own children, that's fine, but we're giving them both and they can do with them as they wish.

Yes, that.


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## ilm2 (Apr 26, 2007)

The kids have dh's last name b/c it's just easier that way, and i'm pretty sure in my state, you have to give them the father's last name if you're married.

I kept my name and I use my last name, but I use dh's last name socially, irt to the kids, b/c again it's just easier that way.


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## MSUmama (Apr 12, 2007)

I don't have time to read every post so I apoligize if this scenario has already been brought up but...

My sister is not married to her partner. They faced the same challenge. With the oldest, it was a girl, she took my sister's last name. I honestly don't think they considered the idea of having more children, now they have three under the age of five. The two oldest girls have my sister's name, the younest being a boy was given her bf's last name. If causes a HUGE amount of confusion now that one is in kindergarten as well as at the doctor's office because everyone assumes the older two have a different father. Whatever you decide, try to make it a long term decision that will be uniform for however many children you may have no matter their sex. On a side note, my dh and I have been married for 14 years, we have kids 14, 12, 3 and 8 months and TOTAL strangers will ask me all the time if the two oldest and two youngest have different fathers, or will say "oh are you remarried?" It blows my mind that so many people are so unknowingly rude! So expect that, no matter what you do!


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

My mom didn't change her name. My brother and I were both given my dad's name. I can't say the issue really came up as a child. . somehow we all just accepted the names and never questioned them. My only annoyance was when people assumped my parents were divorced because they had different last names. No biggie, though, because unless everyone has the same name, someone somewhere is going to make a comment.


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## Nicole77 (Oct 20, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ilm2* 
The kids have dh's last name b/c it's just easier that way, and i'm pretty sure in my state, you have to give them the father's last name if you're married.

I would be very curious to know what state you are in because that is not my understanding of current law.

"Prior to 1970, many states, by statute or common law, dictated that fathers had a right to have their children bear their surnames. As a result, fathers could insist that the child's birth certificate reflect that surname. Moreover, if the mother tried to change the surname--post-divorce, for example--she was usually unsuccessful, unless there was evidence that the father had forfeited the right.

In the 1970s, however, the Supreme Court began to recognize a constitutional right to sex equality, rooted in the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. For instance, in 1971, in Reed v. Reed, the Court struck down a state law that preferred male relatives over female ones when it came to deciding who would be the administrator of a decedent's estate.

Decisions like Reed--and subsequent ones that denounced state-sponsored sex discrimination even more resoundingly--marked the end of an era in which states could allocate burdens and benefits on the basis of sex, at least without having a very good reason for doing so. They also had obvious relevance to traditional naming laws - which gave the father a naming benefit, while denying it to the mother, solely because of gender.

Almost a century before, the Lucy Stone League had advocated - for the most part, unsuccessfully - for the right to sex-neutral naming laws, which would guarantee that wives could keep their own names, and that children's names would not necessarily follow that of the father. Later, organizations like the Center for a Woman's Own Name, founded in 1974, took up the cause.

Courts slowly struck down laws giving fathers the absolute right to name their children. These laws were replaced, by statute or judicial decision, with ostensibly gender-neutral standards." -Joanna Grossman "Whose Surname Should a Child Have?"

Now if you were ever to end up in court with an ex-husband it could go either way as some courts still hold strong to patrilineal naming customs but I know of no state that requires a married couple to use the father's name at birth. In fact, my understanding was that a child is by default born with the same last name as his/her mother unless noted otherwise on the birth certificate. Anyone know anything different?


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## miss_sonja (Jun 15, 2003)

I know people who've done all of those: us (kids have hyphenated last names, myname-dhname), friends (girl has dad's lastname, boy has mom's lastname) and all new (friends who made up a new last name for their family--his family was pissed at first, now it's no big deal at all).

Do what feels right. The only situation that personally I find weird is when only mom has a different last name, the dad and kids are the same. That feels...wrong. If you're not going to change your name, at least make sure the kids have part or all of your name in theirs. It'll save hassles at customs too.


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *miss_sonja* 
The only situation that personally I find weird is when only mom has a different last name, the dad and kids are the same. That feels...wrong. If you're not going to change your name, at least make sure the kids have part or all of your name in theirs. It'll save hassles at customs too.











As I just said, I grew up this way and never had a problem with anything, including customs and traveling (and my family is seasoned international travelers). The whole point of my mom keeping her name was because it was _her_ name. And surprisingly, it was her that really wanted us kids to have dad's name. She had no desire to put her name any where in ours. Not sure why that feels "wrong".


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## cancat (Jun 15, 2004)

People around here don't seem to change their name...not sure if it is a canadian thing or an ottawa thing. So, no one has the same names!

For dd1 its: Firstname Mylastname DHlastname
For dd2: its Firstname Mymiddlename DHlastname

My middle name is my mother's last name (she didn't change her name, either), so we're kind of keeping the tradition, but also keeping her name in there - I didn't tell her about it until we did, and she was soooo honored.

The kids last names are DH's since he cared about it more...interestingly enough, they're harder to pronounce than mine!


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## basilisa76 (Jul 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nicole77* 
Our children have my last name. I kept my name when I got married and my husband and I decided together that our children would have my last name not his. We liked the idea of a matrilineal naming tradition, especially since I am more attached to my name then he is to his, my siblings are all girls who changed their names and my father was the only boy in his family so the name was going to end with him.

Man, THAT IS SO COOL!!!!!!
I didn't change my name because my husband's is Rodriguez and half the Spanish speaking world has the same namel....

Gigi


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## Limabean1975 (Jan 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Literate* 
It's not very original, but since I kept my name* the kids are FirstName MyLastName DH'sLastName. No hyphen. So, essentially my name is their middle name. It's not great, but it works.


That's what we've done too. In general practice, that means DS has DH's last name...mine kind of falls by the wayside, especially since he has another middle name; but at least it's in there.
(GivenName MiddleName MyLastName DH'sLastName)


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## Erzse (Mar 26, 2008)

I didn't dropped my paternal surname, but my maternal one.
I'm my surname de(of) dh's surname
so let's say its maria garcia de perez as an example, that's how they use it here.
So let's say DD is Romina Esperanza Perez Garcia.
Men don't change their names or add the de at all, no that i know off.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

I kept my last name when I married DH and our son has my last name, and then DH's last name as his middle name.


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## sunanthem (Jan 29, 2004)

Dh and I have our own last names, and we made up a new last name which both of our children have. We hope someday to change our last names to their, though, maybe.


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## spearso (Nov 4, 2003)

Quote:

People around here don't seem to change their name...not sure if it is a canadian thing or an ottawa thing. So, no one has the same names!
Apparently, in Qubec, women keep their last names, and I guess given Ottawa's proximity to Quebec, that's why so many women might keep their names here.

susie


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## newclementine (Jan 23, 2008)

My parents gave me my mother's maiden name as my middle name and dad's last name as my last name. My mother added my dad's name to her first+maiden name when she married. This is how it went for alot of families then. The sticky part is that my mother's family name (her maiden name) was VERY important to everyone, so my whole life I've gone around requesting that credit card companies/banks/school diplomas write my first+middle+last names on everything (no middle initials please and don't just leave the whole middle name out !) To make a long story short, my parents really should have just hyphenated if they were going to put so much weight on both names.

As for me, we are thinking about hyphenating the babe's name (my last name+DP's last name). We won't hyphenate our names, we like our names the way they are, just our kids'. I'm not worried about what the future name will turn our to be when the child is an adult, this will be 20-30-40? years away and he/she can change the name or not, it will be their decision, and by then I will be an old lady. : )


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MSUmama* 
If causes a HUGE amount of confusion now that one is in kindergarten as well as at the doctor's office because everyone assumes the older two have a different father. Whatever you decide, try to make it a long term decision that will be uniform for however many children you may have no matter their sex.

Eh, the questionable intelligence of professionals who can't keep families straight in their heads, or even just put clever post-it notes on related charts isn't of any concern to me, and isn't going to change how we name our family. Wasn't my problem when I was a kid after my mom remarried and changed her name and teachers got all confuddled, and it isn't my problem as an adult! (though it sure does give me an insight as to how their brains work)


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## Greenmama2AJ (Jan 10, 2008)

I kept my name. My DS has my DH's last name.

I gave DS my DH's last name because I figured it was my choice not to take DH's name but it was unfair of me to take that away from DS.

It does cause dramas. At the Dr's office they always make a big deal of booking it under DS's name - not mine. On my health insurance they got DS's name wrong - twice - and sent out the the wrong cards - twice.

On the positive I always know when I'm receiving junk mail - its in DH's lastname, lol.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

DH and I combined our last names into one word, and that is the name we all use. I would have kept my own last name if we weren't planning to have children, but we wanted the whole family to have the same last name, so this solution worked for us.


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## blazer (May 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *teachma* 
I did not change my last name. My children use my husband's last name. Since they were very little, I have always told them, "I have _my_ daddy's last name, and you have _your_ daddy's last name." It just made sense to them, and they've never questioned it.

I have 2 kiddo's and I explain it that way also, although it is just now that my 4 yo gets that my last name is different.

I do have a family name as a middle name and they both have that. They both have 4 names and that is really just a formality, they go by their first name and their daddy's last name.

First middle "my middle name" " daddy's last name"


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

I have a question for all of you.

My 6 year old has been asking me for a year now to change my last name to be the same as hers and her Dad's (and the other kids).

I am totally not sure how I feel about this. It seems so important to her. So, even though I really prefer my last name I am now finding myself considering if I should for my kids.

I'm really not sure how I feel about it.


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## crl (May 9, 2004)

It's even more complicated at our house. We adopted DS at 13.5 months. So he already had a name. He's Chinese so we dropped the Chinese surname and pushed the other two names together and kept that as a middle name. Then we added a first name, my last name as a second middle name and DH's last name as a last name.

So: NewFirstName ChineseName MomsLastName DadsLastName

And none of them are short and three of them are a PIA to spell. I feel badly for the kid, but all of the names were/are really important and it was the best we could do.


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## crl (May 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
I have a question for all of you.

My 6 year old has been asking me for a year now to change my last name to be the same as hers and her Dad's (and the other kids).

I am totally not sure how I feel about this. It seems so important to her. So, even though I really prefer my last name I am now finding myself considering if I should for my kids.

I'm really not sure how I feel about it.


Well, this is just my opinion, but I would not do it. If she wants to change her name, I might consider that. (Though I would want to wait a while to be sure she really meant it.) But I am seriously attached to my name and would not change it for anyone.

Do you know why she wants you to change yours?


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
I have a question for all of you.

My 6 year old has been asking me for a year now to change my last name to be the same as hers and her Dad's (and the other kids).

I am totally not sure how I feel about this. It seems so important to her. So, even though I really prefer my last name I am now finding myself considering if I should for my kids.

I'm really not sure how I feel about it.

I wouldn't change it if it were an issue in my house. For a while DS really wanted BF and I to marry - when he was around 4. We just explained how we feel about marriage and why we're not getting married and that if marriage is important to him he can get married when he's an adult (in Canada this is available to him should he choose a female or male partner.) I'd approach it the same way with names. I have my name, BF his and DS his. If he thinks everyone having the same last name is important (and I'd ask why) then when he grows up if he and his partner decide to have children they can choose to all have the same name.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

I've been married for 27 blissful years, and did not change my name. The kids have dh's last name. Honestly, it's never been a big deal for anyone except my MIL. Sometimes the school screws up my name, but I can live with that.

My kids understand that my name is part of my identity and they understand why I didn't change it.


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## kalisis (Jan 10, 2005)

Ds has my last name for his first name and STBXH's last name. DD got my grandmother's name, so again, she got STBXH's last name. If she hadn't of gotten a family name from my side as her first and middle, she would have gotten my last name. As it was, we wanted it to be fair and I can respect what happened.

It's kind of confusing when I say "Hi, I'm Ashley Jones, Jones Smith's mother." But, eh, I work with it.

Good luck. I hope that you all can come to a peaceful resolution to this.


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## Freud (Jan 21, 2008)

Not married yet, but I plan to keep my last name for professional uses and maybe add boyfriend's last name on somehow. I don't know how it works legally. Perhaps I will be take my boyfriend's last name socially...although I rather like my last name. Our kids will have both last names...Mine first, then his...My parents will love that, his will hate it. Oh well.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

I took DH's name for the first 8 years but then DH and I change the families last name. We all love the new last name (actually DH and I did our first names too LOL)

I didn't have any connection to my "maiden name" since it belonged to a father I never met.


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## RubyWild (Apr 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pen_esque* 
DH suggested if it's a boy we use his name and a girl we use mine, but I can't imagine that his parents would be to happy with that if it's a girl.

This is what we chose to do, so our daughter has my last name (and her father's last name is one of her two middle names).

When we originally told my inlaws our plans (my Dh being his only son and only biological child), my FIL was unfazed by it, reasoning that 1) girls end up changing their names anyway, so he didn't care. 2) any child we had would be a boy.

So, he was surprised when we had a girl and further surprised when we stopped with one. I don't think he likes it very much, but it was important to me.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

I have my last name. Dd has dh's last name. I don't love the idea of boys getting dad's last name and girls getting mom's--just because then it seems like a "boys against girls" thing (and, if you're aiming for some sort of parity, it only works if you have children of both genders).

Many people I know use mom's last name as the child's middle name or one of the child's middle names (I actually know very few women who took their partner's name, and this seems to be the most common approach).

Demeter: I would not change my last name if my dd asked me to. It is MY name; it is my identity; and I use it professionally, as well.


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## mom4peace (Mar 5, 2008)

My DH and I chose a family name together that we felt represented our relationship and our family. It seemed appropriate since we were entering in to a new phase in life and who our direct family is changed. I wasn't comfortable giving up my last name, and the whole hyphen thing... it's fine this generation, but what if a hyphenated last name marries a hyphenated last name and they decide to hyphenate! Besides, it fun to choose whatever last name you want, and maybe when DS grown up, if he gets married, he and his partner can choose their family name together.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lerlerler* 
our negotiation? my religion, DHs lastname. we decided before we got married!

That's how it worked here, but it was sort of accidental. I hated my original name (estranged family, bad association), dh had no baggage to his name. I would have liked us both to come up with something totally different, but he didn't want to. So it was either keep a name I hated or change to match dh's, so I changed. The kids have the same last name (dh's). But if I had kept my last name, the kids would have had mine (that wasn't discussed though, dh would almost certainly disagree.







).


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