# Why are people so $#^@ insensitive?!?



## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Ugh, I've had it with people.







: Why is it the first thing people think of when they hear that a baby dies is "OMG, they shouldn't have posted that/told me that...now I'm afraid it will happen to me". It's not frickin' contagious!! I don't get it--I've already "dumped" a few of my friends because a great majority of them were more concerned about how "thoughtless" it was of people to talk about my son in the presence of them (even if they weren't pregnant at the time but thought that maybe they would like to be pregnant in the future)...like somehow they'd "catch it", that they couldn't even show the tiniest bit of compassion.

Ugh, I swear that the common sense and compassion of a lot of people just is nonexistant (or only exists when they want to prove to their friends that they are "good people").

Sometimes I really wonder if there's any good left in humanity...

Please tell me I'm not the only one who's experienced this...people actually being angry/mad/etc. because people talked about your loss and turned the whole thing around to what THEY felt (and those who tell you not to even mention your lost baby because they don't "want it to happen" to them). How do you get over that kind of betrayal when you find out that your "friends" are more concerned with remaining in their little "birth is so perfect and wonderful and nothing bad ever happens" bubble than to be a supportive friend... Basically completely discounting the fact that a tragedy happened because if they pretend it didn't happen, then that will somehow make them immune to it happening to them?








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## forthebest (Jun 19, 2006)

I'm so very sorry for your loss AllyRae, I have no idea how you are feeling but I for one would be able to show you some compassion. I think anything less is pretty horrible. Where are peoples heads at? I think some people are becoming very self-centred these days. Yes, people may feel nervous because you have lost your dear child but it sounds like they are being very insensitive and that must really hurt. It's not them that are going through such a heartbreaking loss. My friend lost her dd of 6 months and it helped her to talk the small bit she did. There is so little we as friends can do except offer hugs and support. It's bs you have to put up with added hurt, I hope you are not feeling too bad today and you have some support from people who love you.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I could've written your post, Ally. Let's just say I know exactly what you mean and it sucks!







s


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## amydawnsmommy (Mar 13, 2005)

to you AllyRae! So very often I've felt the same way and wondered what the **** was wrong with people!!! *rolls eyes* People can be so
rude!

I remember when I was pregnant with Hope I was selling stuffed puppies as a fundraiser for PBSO http://pbso.ca/ and someone read the sign and proceeded to make a comment about how buying one of the puppies might cause her baby/babies to die.














:

Our society is filled with fear about death because death is considered a taboo subject although fortunately this is improving with much effort. Also because people are very unassociated with death, funeral homes take care of our deceased loved ones, people don't know how to deal with death any more.

When a baby dies people don't know what to do or say (unless they've been taught to be compassionate or naturally are) because it terrifies them.

I know all this from experience. I'm not saying knowing any of this took away the pain of what people said and did, it didn't. It still hurt like ****. These people were my friends and family who supposedly loved me yet kept running my heart over with a steamroller!
















If people could only step back for a moment from their own fears I think they could get a glimpse of just how painful it is to lose a baby. Unfortunately people can be very selfish and self-centered these days.

You know the facilitator of the first support group I went to told me that friends become strangers and strangers become friends. I found that to be absolutely true! Sad but true.

I think the best thing we can do as bereaved parents is to recognize our needs and allow ourselves to fulfill them whether it's on our own or with the support of people who will be there for us through thick and thin even if they don't understand.

The people who make comments like that and make your tragedy all about them and their feelings are very self-centered indeed and not worth your time or energy.







Try to set some boundaries for yourself to protect yourself from heartlessness.

I very quickly learned who my real friends were and there weren't many. Most people were happier to walk away, minimize my grief and pain or make 'It was meant to be' crap comments. *rolls eyes* And they thought they were helping!!! #$%@!#*$!!!








to you. You will make it through. I did even though I never thought it was possible.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

People suck sometimes.







I'm so sorry mamas. Sometimes I wish I could be there to shield you all from such hurt and ignorance. I'm so sorry.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Ally, That really sucks! I have kind of gone through that with my own mother. She never comes right out and tells me don't talk about Grace, but she implies it in verious ways- not the same, I know, but I sort of get how you might feel. It's tremendously hurtful and you wish you never saw this side of someone you thought you were close too. I'm sorry poeple have treated you so badly and worse, disprespected your son and his memory.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

s I have dealt with this too. People don't want to think it can happen to them so they avoid you sigh....
My either gripe is if you have a child after the loss everyone seems to think you are "better" and "over it"

tara


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

ally,
this turning away is a disappointing flaw in humans!
people turn away from everything they fear, it makes them feel like their safe worlds could indeed come crumbling down...

it makes me think about the homeless, famine victims, people living in extreme poverty, people living with disease... humanity turns away from all of this, especially in this society. its almost as if we've lost the instinct to help, to reach out to others when life is diifficult. i don't understand why it has to be like this. i am guilty, too, because i came up in this same society. but, losing someone you love gives you a harsh perspective of loss, of need, and what it is to have.

but it is unbelievable that your own friends and peers would treat you in such a way, you would expect compassion and love from your friends. so why is it that this is such a common occurance? how unfair is it that when you are grieving the loss of your son, you then must teach your friends how to behave...

the fact is that at some point in your life you will lose a loved one, you will go through the pain of loss. no one is immune to this, it is part of life. so those people who turn away, who hide for fear they could 'catch it'... unfortunately they will taste this pain in a very acute way, and they will need help and understanding and compassion, and then they will learn the lesson. i have found that there is a whole world of people who 'know' and then there are the rest...

i'm sorry ally. there are alot of people who support you, and who love ryland.


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## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

Ally - I totally understand what you are saying. And people really are very insensitive about the whole thing. I have experienced similar situations and it never gets any easier. People really do think that IT is contageous. When I tell people about Frankie, they somehow try and rationalize why it happened to me and why it WON'T happen to them. They say "OOOH, you were taking a medication for heartburn?" Or "OOOh, you flew while you were pregnant?" And then I can see them mentally telling themselves that this is why my baby died and this why it won't happen to them. It is so sad. I have had people who still haven't even called me since Frankie died. Apparently they think that grief and death are contageous.


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## gaeasun (Mar 5, 2004)

Wow, that is horrible. I am so sorry you have to deal with that.







: I have noticed some "friends" avoiding me and not knowing what to say. Tragedy really shows you who your true friends are. No doubt. The real ones step up, no matter how uncomfortable they are, while the fringe friends step back and hide.

Like many have said already, people don't know how to deal with death. I got a book from the hospital where I delivered called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I just finished reading the first chapter, and it is all about this. The book may give you some comfort. There are many parents going through what we are going through, and there are many quotes in the book from parents who have lost a baby (from micarriage to SIDS).

Not trying to hijack, but have to share more stupidity/insensativity. I was in the 3 different hospital over the 5 weeks after the birth of my son (stillborn at 39 1/2 weeks). The nurses in the last hospital were taking urine samples, and more than one asked why there was blood in my urine--was I getting my period? I explained that I was post partum bleeding. More than one nurse asked how the baby was doing.







: I mean, these people had my chart right in front of them, and they didn't even bother to read or find out why I was in the hospital in the first place.







[I did finally talk to the head of nursing about it and get it handled so that it didn't happen any more.]


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