# Baby not invited to wedding??



## Gaia's Mama (Jan 30, 2009)

My first cousin's wedding coming up July 4th...my 6 month old nursling not invite...whole weekend shin-dig...fri bbq-sat wedding-sun brunch.....he suggested I get a babysitter...but we live 3 hours away, and I wouldn't let the Dalai Lama babysit my daughter (they obviously don't have children)....we were going to go and take shifts watching her between my parents and us, maybe have our own picnic on the grass outside or something...any suggestions?? It appears they may not want her at the BBQ or the brunch the day after....have to talk with him soon, and may just not go even though he is a very close cousin to me.

I understand kids/toddlers because they may not want them running around, but babies? She is attached to my boob. Besides, every wedding I attended that didn't have kids was BORING!! Kids make it fun, they are the ones to get everyone dancing.

wtf?







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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

These situations are so hard. One the one hand, I believe everyone should be able to have the wedding they want. It is their event/ceremony/party and they can plan whatever they want. BUT......on the other hand, it makes it really hard for some parents when little ones are not invited. I would talk with your cousin and clarify what events your baby would be welcome at. Then you can plan accordingly - don't go at all, trade shifts with your parents, if it is your cousin, maybe your partner would be willing to stay at the hotel with the baby...


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Well, firstly, don't make a decision based on "it appears that...". Make sure you have a clear understanding.







Who knows, maybe they'd be willing to have the baby at some of the other stuff besides the actual wedding.

It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Quote:

For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.








:

I can get away with leaving my 5mo for about 3 hours once a week, but several times in one weekend? Not going to happen. And not just for her sake... I'd end up with a nice case of mastitis with that kind of change in her feeding schedule.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
Well, firstly, don't make a decision based on "it appears that...". Make sure you have a clear understanding.







Who knows, maybe they'd be willing to have the baby at some of the other stuff besides the actual wedding.

It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.

I second this. Tell your dear cousin that you totally respect her desires, but that you need to know clearly which events, if any, you can attend WITH your DC. And then make your plans accordingly. Your cousin doesn't have kids yet, so she may truely not comprehend the whole picture - she doesn't get how bf works (she might think you just pump or use a bottle instead); she doesn't get that you can't just snap up a babysitter (how much it costs, that your DC doesn't feel comfortable with a total stranger or without you or whatever....)

Lastly, don't jump ropes to attend all the events. It will just stress you out. Maybe you go to just one bbq. Send a nice gift and a card, regardless.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I've missed plenty of weddings and showers and other events in my day due to having a baby. It isn't that big of a deal. You can't go to every event that comes up even if you don't have a baby, and people should expect people with babies to miss events if they don't want children there, so they should understand your absence. It's a bummer, but these things happen.


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## RunnerDuck (Sep 12, 2003)

People generally use the "we don't want a lot of kids running around and acting wild at an adult function" as a polite way to gloss over the fact that they really want to keep costs down - and cutting kids cuts costs. Since a baby won't be eating anything (costing anything) - it may be just fine. We considered no kids as a cost cutting measure at my wedding, but since it only cost $7 for the kids at the buffet, we didn't. Even if we had, I don't think I would have told a parent their infant couldn't come... but then my son was there, LOL, he was 10 months old at our wedding. Had I been pre-children I probably would have been less understanding... *sigh*


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RunnerDuck* 
People generally use the "we don't want a lot of kids running around and acting wild at an adult function" as a polite way to gloss over the fact that they really want to keep costs down - and cutting kids cuts costs. Since a baby won't be eating anything (costing anything) - it may be just fine. We considered no kids as a cost cutting measure at my wedding, but since it only cost $7 for the kids at the buffet, we didn't. Even if we had, I don't think I would have told a parent their infant couldn't come... but then my son was there, LOL, he was 10 months old at our wedding. Had I been pre-children I probably would have been less understanding... *sigh*

Actually I think for weddings for a lot of people it's also a noise issue and babies do factor into that. I'm not a fan of the decision but it is theirs.

I'm with everyone else - I'd clarify the ground rules, and then not go if it didn't work for us.


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## madsommer (Aug 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.









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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Right now this is the biggest most important thing to happen to your cousin and the bride and groom get to decide how they want their wedding to happen. In my experience it has nothing to do with the cost and everything to do with badly behaved kids and crying babies.

A wedding is about the bride and groom and kids and babies can do inappropriate and noisy things at all the wrong times.

Part of being a Mommy is not getting to go places because you have a baby. The last wedding I attended we only went to the dinner-that way I got some fun time but my babe in arms was no danger of taking any of the attention of the bride. Everyone else got to stay overnight for a long party and I went home. Thats the way the ball bounces once you are a mom.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

well since it is a close cousin, i would go for the wedding. where are they having it? maybe there is a place you can bring your babysitter (whoever that is) along and leave your baby there while you attend the wedding ceremony.

i left my dd with my then dh and just went for the wedding, and skipped all the social stuff.


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## daniellebluetoo (Jul 11, 2008)

My mom got remarried last september in a castle in upstate NY.
NO KIDS! not even her OWN grandchildren. My son was 6.5 at the time and had been REALLY excited about seeing a REAL castle!.:-(
Mom wanted me to get a "sitter" too ect ect ect... I live like 8hrs from the wedding site!!!!
I wound up not going, I couldn't justify it and felt REALLY slighted that she didn't want even her grandson there,( her first BTW)

I've never had a great relationship with my mom, and this certainly didn't help.

BUT , personally I think if it were ANYONE else but my own mother, I wouldn't have cared, I would have just declined , or if it were close, *might* have found a sitter since my son is older and not a nursling anymore.

DO what feels right for you and yours mama, you'll always win in the end that way!


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Yep I wouldn't go and I would expect them to understand that.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I would ask for sure if any events are okay to take your baby to.
I would probably skip everything that weekend but the actual ceremony if I was told there are no events that weekend that you can bring your baby to. I would make arrangements to have dh watch the baby during the ceremony so I could attend that.
They have a right to have their events the way they want them. It wouldn't be my way or your way. However, I would choose not leave my child or juggle child care to attend a bbq and brunch in addition to the ceremony that weekend.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I've missed plenty of weddings and showers and other events in my day due to having a baby. It isn't that big of a deal. You can't go to every event that comes up even if you don't have a baby, and people should expect people with babies to miss events if they don't want children there, so they should understand your absence. It's a bummer, but these things happen.

This. Send your regrets.


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## Bug-a-Boo's Mama (Jan 15, 2008)

I can completely understand them not wanting children at the wedding. I am not one to view weddings as only fun because there are children there. And even the best baby can have a crying moment at a not so good moment. I think it is completely understandable for you to have to decline going to the wedding. But I also believe it is completely understandable for them not to want children there.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

I went to a wedding when my ds was 7 mos old. NO children or babies were invited AT ALL. The bride had told me yes on more than one occasion. Her mother called me the day of (or the day before?) the wedding and told me I couldn't bring him. I hemmed & hawed about it for the longest time before making my decision.

I went for an hour. I hated it. People asked me if I was enjoying my time out w/o him. I honestly said no. I was NOT enjoying myself. I was thinking about my nursling (who was in the care of a very good friend) and when he was last fed and how snotty I think it is for ppl to be anti-baby (and even anti-kids) at a freaking wedding. A wedding that is supposed to bring families together. Families which often result in... BABIES!









Anyway, very resentful, would never do it again, and have no problem speaking out about it if someone asks my opinion. I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.


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## ginadc (Jun 13, 2006)

We had a no babies/children rule at our wedding, so I guess I was "arrogant and snotty," but I'd do it again. I probably would have made an exception for small nurslings, but none of our friends had kids of that age--they were all 2 or older.

I also think that if you have a no kids rule, you have to expect that some people may not be able to attend because of it. I would check to be sure that the baby is not welcome, and if so, decline politely, no harm, no foul.

Simply put: if you're the host of a no-kids wedding, don't get put out if some people with kids can't attend--accept their regrets graciously. If you're invited to a no-kids wedding and can't/don't wish to attend without your kids, then decline graciously. Neither party should get up in arms about it. The bride and groom have the right to plan their wedding as they see fit, and guests have the right to attend or not.

(At our wedding, no one had a problem with the no kids rule--except one bridesmaid, who had precisely the kind of child "no kids" rules are created for. Or perhaps I should say, was precisely the kind of parent that "no kids" rules are created for. She threw an e-mail temper tantrum that would put any toddler to shame; I had a slightly smaller bridal party and don't regret it in the slightest.)


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
I was thinking about my nursling (who was in the care of a very good friend) and when he was last fed and how snotty I think it is for ppl to be anti-baby (and even anti-kids) at a freaking wedding. A wedding that is supposed to bring families together. Families which often result in... BABIES!









Anyway, very resentful, would never do it again, and have no problem speaking out about it if someone asks my opinion. I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.


Just because a couple has a child-free wedding does not make them anti-baby or anti-kids. Their party, their decision.


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## Savoury (Oct 20, 2008)

I tend to boycott events my children are not welcome at. I don't begrudge people who don't want them there but I don't have to go either.

Last summer my husband's cousin got married. We were invited to the wedding and knew they wouldn't want our older two there so we arrange a family member to watch them. But we were also going to have a six week old at the time so when I sent in the acceptance I noted I would have a six-week-old nursing babe. I had checked every single manner site I could, asked around, everything said tiny nursing babes in arms were generally not considered a "child".

DH's aunt called me and said the baby wasn't allowed. So we told them we weren't going. Frankly what she told me on the phone made me so upset I refuse to go to any of that side of the family's weddings at all. None of them have kids and they never want kids there. DH's other side of the family has kids and they are always welcome to any family gathering/funeral/wedding.

Anyway, DH even said he doesn't want to go to them anymore if his entire family cannot come. They can choose not to welcome our wonderful wel-behaved children. We can choose not to go.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

What is it with extended weddings these days? Three days of events...it seems kind of self important to expect everyone to devote three days to your wedding.

If all functions are child free, I'd probably just attend the wedding itself if I really wanted to, or give the whole thing a miss. I have nothing against child free functions, but three days....


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Quote:

I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.
Oh dear. Really? I find this attitude upsetting because it suggests your kids are more important somehow then the bride. And to you of course they are-but a wedding is about the bride, not about your kids, and she gets to choose who she wants to come to her wedding.


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## purplepaperclip (May 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *betsyj* 
Oh dear. Really? I find this attitude upsetting because it suggests your kids are more important somehow then the bride. And to you of course they are-but a wedding is about the bride, not about your kids, and she gets to choose who she wants to come to her wedding.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
Well, firstly, don't make a decision based on "it appears that...". Make sure you have a clear understanding.







Who knows, maybe they'd be willing to have the baby at some of the other stuff besides the actual wedding.

Yes - definitely make sure you know exactly what the rules are.

Quote:

It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.
This. I wouldn't go if I had a nursling who was excluded, but would give them polite regrets. I think people can make whatever rules they want about guests at their weddings, but they do need to understand that when you exclude parts of people's family, you may end up excluding the people you want, as well.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ginadc* 
Simply put: if you're the host of a no-kids wedding, don't get put out if some people with kids can't attend--accept their regrets graciously. If you're invited to a no-kids wedding and can't/don't wish to attend without your kids, then decline graciously. Neither party should get up in arms about it. The bride and groom have the right to plan their wedding as they see fit, and guests have the right to attend or not.

Well said.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
I went to a wedding when my ds was 7 mos old. NO children or babies were invited AT ALL. The bride had told me yes on more than one occasion. Her mother called me the day of (or the day before?) the wedding and told me I couldn't bring him. I hemmed & hawed about it for the longest time before making my decision.

I went for an hour. I hated it. People asked me if I was enjoying my time out w/o him. I honestly said no. I was NOT enjoying myself. I was thinking about my nursling (who was in the care of a very good friend) and when he was last fed and how snotty I think it is for ppl to be anti-baby (and even anti-kids) at a freaking wedding. A wedding that is supposed to bring families together. Families which often result in... BABIES!









Anyway, very resentful, would never do it again, and have no problem speaking out about it if someone asks my opinion. I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.

Wow! The mother of the bride was really rude. I can't blame you for being angry about it.

However, I don't agree with the "no children" rule being snotty (as long as guests are informed before they RSVP). It's not always just for the sake of the bride and groom, but can also be for the children... Some weddings are so formal that a child would be incredibly bored, uncomfortable, and unhappy (goodness knows I've been to a couple where I-as an adult-was bored, uncomfortable, and unhappy







).

I personally enjoyed having kids and babies at my wedding, though. It was a delight to hear one of our friends' sons softly cooing during our vows (we thought of it as a sign of good luck).

Then again, some would consider me to be a lazy bride. During the reception while wearing my beautiful formal wedding gown with extra-long train and sewn-on pearls, I excused my bridesmaids to dress down in jeans. We were all staying at the hotel we married at, and they wanted something more comfortable to dance in. It totally flummoxed our best man's wife (a strange control freak of a woman who tried to "direct" ppl at our rehearsal).


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I would call your cousin and explain that the baby isn't old enough to be away from you and ask if there are any events that weekend that you could attend with the baby.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I would call whoever is organizing these events (mother of the bride? Maid of honor?) and clarify whether or not the baby is welcome at any or all of the weekend's events.

If baby's welcome at the informal events but not the wedding itself, It would be perfectly reasonable to come for the "wedding weekend"(if baby's welcome at those) and skip the wedding itself (or just send DH to the wedding while you stay in a hotel room with the baby). If the baby isn't welcome at ANY of the wedding-related events, I'd politely decline the invitation. Baby isn't ready to be away from you yet, period.

If the baby is not welcome- that's their right. It's their party. But you're not obligated to attend.


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## Kappa (Oct 15, 2007)

I don't understand it at all when people don't want babies/kids at their weddings. I agree that you are paying, it's your party, and you should get what you want, but I don't understand the desire to exclude children.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

We happily welcomed children at our wedding, but I don't have any negative thoughts about people who choose not to.

That said, it will clearly be very difficult for you to attend a 3-day event without your baby, so it sounds like you'll have to send your regrets and best wishes -- it happens!


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *betsyj* 
Oh dear. Really? I find this attitude upsetting because it suggests your kids are more important somehow then the bride. And to you of course they are-but a wedding is about the bride, not about your kids, and she gets to choose who she wants to come to her wedding.

What I find upsetting about it (no babies/kids) is the lack of consideration for a nursing infant. Under 12 mos and nursing, IMO, should be a free pass.

Obviously not everyone agrees, but that's my opinion.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherry Alive* 
Wow! The mother of the bride was really rude. I can't blame you for being angry about it.

Yeah, it was handled really poorly and that's probably why I feel so irritated about it almost a year after the fact.

Quote:

However, I don't agree with the "no children" rule being snotty (as long as guests are informed before they RSVP). It's not always just for the sake of the bride and groom, but can also be for the children... Some weddings are so formal that a child would be incredibly bored, uncomfortable, and unhappy (goodness knows I've been to a couple where I-as an adult-was bored, uncomfortable, and unhappy







).
Absolutely. I've been to events that just bored me to tears! Another thing about MY experience is that the bride had been my kids babysitter. It was jaw dropping for us to be told no babies. I don't mind no kids as much as I mind no babies. That was just astounding to me.

Quote:

It totally flummoxed our best man's wife (a strange control freak of a woman who tried to "direct" ppl at our rehearsal).
















:


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherry Alive* 
However, I don't agree with the "no children" rule being snotty (as long as guests are informed before they RSVP). It's not always just for the sake of the bride and groom, but can also be for the children... Some weddings are so formal that a child would be incredibly bored, uncomfortable, and unhappy (goodness knows I've been to a couple where I-as an adult-was bored, uncomfortable, and unhappy







).

I honestly tend to dodge adult only events, anyway...even if I could get a sitter or whatever. They just don't appeal to me at all. Part of that _is_ that they're often very formal, which isn't my style.


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## georgiegirl1974 (Sep 20, 2006)

I haven't read all of the posts, but here is my opinion.

People can chose to have child/baby-free weddings. However, they should not expect out-of-towners with a baby or young child to attend then. And no, providing a babysitter in a hotel room isn't going to cut it until the kids are older (5 maybe?).

DD went to a few weddings when she was little. DD was 3 months old when my stepbrother got married, and there were at least 5 babies under 1 year there. We were invited to a wedding when DD was 6 months old (out of town), and we contacted the bride and groom and said we would love to come, but since we were out of town, DD would have to come with us. We let them decide whether to "invite" DD. She came, and I made sure not to have DD near the ceremony (it was outdoors and I stayed far away.) We were also invited to an out-of-town wedding when DD was 18 months old, and the bride was very nice when I asked her about it. She said she expected DD to come since we were out of town. They even had a high chair set up at her seat and ordered her a special toddler meal.

My sister is getting married 2 months after this baby is born (I've been pregnant longer than she's been engaged), and of course the baby and 3.5 year old DD will go.


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## AkRotts (Sep 2, 2007)

I think I would call and talk to them before making any decisions. I can understand them maybe not wanting the baby at the ceremony, but not the other two functions. That is a lot of time for you to be away from your lo.

I just went to the wedding of a very good friend of mine this past Saturday. Oh how I wish she would have said no kids
















They specifically invited my THREE two year olds







In fact, I know they would have been very disappointed had I opted not to bring them. I asked them several times if they were sure, and each time they said YES!

Needless to say, the only part of the wedding I got to watch was the bride walking down the aisle. By the time she got to the front of the church I was hurrying out the side door with my three toddlers right behind me









I should have just skipped the ceremony and went to the reception


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## IlluminatedAttic (Aug 25, 2006)

I'm in the "not my choice but I don't think it's rude" camp. My weddings (yes, plural)







were both very kid friendly. At the first one we even had a separate kids' reception in a room off the main ballroom. The kids were welcome to come and go between the two rooms, but mostly they stayed in theirs where the caregivers, kid friendly food, arts and crafts, and magician were. They had all been sent their own invitations with instructions to bring their pjs and sleeping bags and around 10pm they all bedded down in front of a video.

My second wedding was much smaller and a completely different venue so no separate kids' reception, but we did have a special gift bag for each child that was filled with art supplies, little puzzles and games, etc. to keep them entertained during party.

Even with our kid friendly attitude, I did worry that an infant might start crying during the ceremony. I knew any Mama would immediately take the baby out to comfort and minimize the disturbance, but it still worried my "emotional bride psyche". I do think that it is up to the bride and groom to make the rules they feel comfortable with and the guests to attend or not along their own comfort lines. No hard feelings should be involved as long as everyone is up front and honest with their expectations.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Of course kids don't need to be invited. Of course people don't need to go if their kids aren't invited and it causes a hardship. Three days of activities with no kids allowed is pretty ridiculous though- I have trouble wrapping my head around that.


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## beansmama (Aug 2, 2007)

Babies cry.

I just got married a couple weeks ago and since i have a 5yo (and am prego) we had kids galore at our wedding...a friends kid (not quite 2) even threw a ball at me during "the dance" that landed in my bustle and I couldn't get it out until the end. The parents were very apologetic, but I didn't care...thought it was funny actually...because I'm a mom, and that's the kind of wedding i expected!

That being said...they have the right to have whatever kind of wedding they want. Not wanting ANY children at a wedding is NOT unheard of. I honestly think it would be rude for you to have your own little picnic outside the "party lines" and take shifts visiting the party. That's bound to make someone annoyed or feel bad. Just don't go. Or only go to ONE of the occasions since it is an "all weekend" deal. If they let one person (you) bring your kid, there will probably be other parents angry or offended that they couldn't bring their kids.

Just deal with the fact it is a grown up only event and either don't go or play by their rules. Don't try to get around it and possibly ruin someones big day. IMO, that's just rude.


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## beansmama (Aug 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *betsyj* 
Oh dear. Really? I find this attitude upsetting because it suggests your kids are more important somehow then the bride. And to you of course they are-but a wedding is about the bride, not about your kids, and she gets to choose who she wants to come to her wedding.

ITA. I thought the "arrogant and snotty" comment was, well, arrogant and snotty...

I love kids, but someones wedding day...or wedding weekend even, is about the couple. Not kids. Period. End of story.

PS. Also, not every couple that marries intends to procreate.


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## beansmama (Aug 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
What I find upsetting about it (no babies/kids) is the lack of consideration for a nursing infant. Under 12 mos and nursing, IMO, should be a free pass.

Obviously not everyone agrees, but that's my opinion.

Babies still CRY and disrupt things (unintentionally, of course). They even poop audibly (haha, well, MY DD did when she was a baby, lol, hilarious - but understandably not something you'd want to hear during the ring ceremony







)


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beansmama* 
Babies cry.

I just got married a couple weeks ago and since i have a 5yo (and am prego) we had kids galore at our wedding...a friends kid (not quite 2) even threw a ball at me during "the dance" that landed in my bustle and I couldn't get it out until the end. The parents were very apologetic, but I didn't care...thought it was funny actually...because I'm a mom, and that's the kind of wedding i expected!

During my first wedding, my almost three year old nephew (*sigh* he's 20 now - I feel old sometimes), who was our ring bearer, cut in on the first dance. We have pictures of me in my expensive white dress, my ex in his tailcoat, and the ring bearer, also in a tailcoat, with top hat, all dancing together. My ex and I were holding him. I thought it was great.

I certainly didn't care the few times one of the babies in attendance started to cry. (There were three who were under a month old.) I really have to work to remind myself that there are people who are bothered by that kind of thing.


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## MamieCole (Jun 1, 2007)

I think it is a mistake to judge a person's intentions or attitudes towards children simply because they prefer to have an adults only wedding.

There are a million reasons and rationals behind why someone would or would not want children in attendance at their private function.

When DH and I got married, I was a kindergarten teacher and had a 10 year old DD of my own. I am friends with many parents of my former and current students. Obviously I am also friends with my co-workers.

We chose to not have children in attendance for several reasons: I wanted my co-workers to be able to enjoy themselves, drink, dance whatever, without having to worry about whether a student might be watching them. Sometimes it is nice to just be an adult and not a role model.
Secondly, I did not want a couple of children from my class/school to attend my wedding and come back to school talking about it to children that were not invited. "Why did you invite Timmy to your wedding and not me, Miss C?" Ummm....awkward and hurtful to a small child.
And finally, cost. DH and I were footing the bill for our entire wedding and the cost per meal for a child is the same as an adult. If children were invited, we would have had to significantly reduce the number of friends/family that we could invite. We'd rather share our day with the adults that we have relationships with than leave them out so other people could bring their children.

DH's aunt was miffed that her grandchildren were not invited, as "They are really sweet, well-behaved boys who wanted to share this day with us and should have been an exception since they are related." Maybe they were sweet and well-behaved, but I had never met them during the entire 2 1/2 years I had known DH. DH had not even met the youngest one.

At the time, we did not have any friends of family with infants, but they would have certainly been welcome. Having a baby crying during the ceremony was not something I even considered as a problem. However having a baby crying during the vows would have been preferable to the pastor calling my DH by the wrong name, twice, during the ceremony.









Anyway, I don't consider myself or DH to be arrogant, snotty or child-haters. We are, in fact, very fond of children and pretty down to earth people who just happened to have had personal reasons for not inviting children to our wedding.

As for this particular situation, when my DS was 7 months old, there is no way I would have or could have left him for any amount of time to go to a wedding. I would just have to send a gift and my regrets and look forward to attending weddings again once he is old enough to be left with a sitter.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beansmama* 
PS. Also, not every couple that marries intends to procreate.









We didn't plan to procreate (though we obviously changed our minds), but we still loved having kids at our wedding. Child-free couples can enjoy kids!


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.

This is what I was going to say.

OP - I think your solution idea was great


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## kiwiva (Apr 17, 2006)

I had a mostly kids-free wedding. My sister had a 2 yo and another bridesmaid had a 4 and 6 yo and really if kids had been invited the bridesmaid would have been MIA the entire time (a seriously high maintenance woman; it would have been a pain for us all, I am sure). My sis used babysitters all the time so she wouldn't have wanted to bring him anyway. But, if we had had a bunch of friends and relatives who had young kids we would have planned a different sort of wedding and had kids there. We just didn't at the time. Certainly babies would have been welcome.

I think people can have whatever sort of party they want and if they don't want kids fine, no need to be offended. I am also of the thinking that an invitation is just that, an invitation not a requirement of attendance and I wasn't offended by anyone who didn't accept the invite for whatever reason.

I think having a weekend of activities wedding would necessitate the inclusion of kids or exclusion of everyone with kids. Why a bbq wouldn't include kids I can't imagine. We were invited to a wedding like this last year, the invite was addressed to the 3 of us, but I sent the bride an email just to confirm DD was invited. I'd call the couple and ask, it doesn't need to be uncomfortable.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Savoury* 
I tend to boycott events my children are not welcome at.

Why? I honestly don't understand what the issue is with an adult event being adults. Some events are for families; some events are for adults. It isn't personal; it isn't that they don't want your particular children there but all other children are ok.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Savory*
DH even said he doesn't want to go to them anymore if his entire family cannot come. They can choose not to welcome our wonderful wel-behaved children. We can choose not to go.

Are there ever family events? Kid birthday parties or egg hunts or bbqs? If so, why begrudge something they'd like to be formal/quiet/insert whatever here. My kids are what I'd consider well-behaved too. But that doesn't mean that everyone has to include them in their wedding.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
I would call your cousin and explain that the baby isn't old enough to be away from you and ask if there are any events that weekend that you could attend with the baby.

This is what I'd do too. Not the maid of honor or the mother of the bride, but the bride. Go right to the top and find out. I wouldn't assume if it means you won't go.


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## Gaia's Mama (Jan 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
Well, firstly, don't make a decision based on "it appears that...". Make sure you have a clear understanding.







Who knows, maybe they'd be willing to have the baby at some of the other stuff besides the actual wedding.

It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.


I am totally with you on it's their wedding, their choice, but they are making it sound as if it is a privledge to attend. It is a definite that she is not invited, however, there is a child on the bride's side coming from out of state as well and they are going (also a cousin). So they should understand if we don't want to do. However, when I asked if my cousin could email me a time that would be good for him so we could talk....this is the response I got:

Regarding the care of DD while you attend the wedding: To state this clearly, DD will not be allowed at the Welcome Party on Friday night or the Wedding and Reception on Saturday. She is allowed for the Brunch on Sunday, but that's it. I'm going to talk with a friend of ours who is bring her parents to the area in order to have them care for their daughter who is even younger than yours. There may be another couple doing the same thing and I'll ask them as well. Otherwise, we may be able to ask Sarah's Mom for a recommendation in the area, since they live there.

What times would you need help? You have all the dates and times, so please let me know, so I can ask what the commitment would be for.

peace,
Marc

Let me state this clearly: I do not leave my daughter in the care of anyone else except myself or my husband...(with the exception of my parents who are attending the wedding). We are inseparable out of necessity because she is breastfeeding exclusively....so if her presence isn't "allowed" then neither is mine. My parents as well as my aunt is up in arms about it, I think it is the bride...I understand it's their day....however....if she were to cause any sort of disturbance, we would leave....I know the bride is high maintenance, and I feel bad for my cousin, but seriously, I'm sure they have more to worry about than a baby. The letter he wrote is rude...and I am waiting to respond because I was so blown away....all I asked was for a time to talk to explain to him what we were thinking of doing. I think that we may just opt out...and not give them the "privledge" of our presence. It's embarassing to think I even have family like this. We are going to a wedding on my husbands side 2 weeks before this one and they are soooo excited to meet our daughter and I would frankly rather spend the money on traveling to that one.

Did I mention it's a 4th of july wedding? that's a whole other story...probably so my cousin wouldn't forget their anniversary cause he's high as the sky all the time....

ok, i will get back soon with some updates! all these comments have helped....i do understand both sides, but with the letter he wrote, it's totally rude....can't wait for them to have kids!


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Wow. I'd just opt out. There's something about that email that really rubs me the wrong way.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
Wow. I'd just opt out. There's something about that email that really rubs me the wrong way.

Yeah...it didn't come across as rude, exactly, but...it would definitely rub me the wrong way.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gaia's Mama* 
ok, i will get back soon with some updates! all these comments have helped....i do understand both sides, but with the letter he wrote, it's totally rude....can't wait for them to have kids!

WOW. I wouldn't go at all after that garbage.


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## snoopy5386 (May 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gaia's Mama* 
I am totally with you on it's their wedding, their choice, but they are making it sound as if it is a privledge to attend. It is a definite that she is not invited, however, there is a child on the bride's side coming from out of state as well and they are going (also a cousin). So they should understand if we don't want to do. However, when I asked if my cousin could email me a time that would be good for him so we could talk....this is the response I got:

Regarding the care of DD while you attend the wedding: To state this clearly, DD will not be allowed at the Welcome Party on Friday night or the Wedding and Reception on Saturday. She is allowed for the Brunch on Sunday, but that's it. I'm going to talk with a friend of ours who is bring her parents to the area in order to have them care for their daughter who is even younger than yours. There may be another couple doing the same thing and I'll ask them as well. Otherwise, we may be able to ask Sarah's Mom for a recommendation in the area, since they live there.

What times would you need help? You have all the dates and times, so please let me know, so I can ask what the commitment would be for.

peace,
Marc

Let me state this clearly: I do not leave my daughter in the care of anyone else except myself or my husband...(with the exception of my parents who are attending the wedding). We are inseparable out of necessity because she is breastfeeding exclusively....so if her presence isn't "allowed" then neither is mine. My parents as well as my aunt is up in arms about it, I think it is the bride...I understand it's their day....however....if she were to cause any sort of disturbance, we would leave....I know the bride is high maintenance, and I feel bad for my cousin, but seriously, I'm sure they have more to worry about than a baby. The letter he wrote is rude...and I am waiting to respond because I was so blown away....all I asked was for a time to talk to explain to him what we were thinking of doing. I think that we may just opt out...and not give them the "privledge" of our presence. It's embarassing to think I even have family like this. We are going to a wedding on my husbands side 2 weeks before this one and they are soooo excited to meet our daughter and I would frankly rather spend the money on traveling to that one.

Did I mention it's a 4th of july wedding? that's a whole other story...probably so my cousin wouldn't forget their anniversary cause he's high as the sky all the time....

ok, i will get back soon with some updates! all these comments have helped....i do understand both sides, but with the letter he wrote, it's totally rude....can't wait for them to have kids!

WOW OP, your cousin sounds like a major UA violation! His response is soooo rude. We welcomed kids at our wedding, I love kids and would never exclude them. I would not go and tell them why. Don't be rude about it, just a simple Dear Cousin,
Since you stated that DD is not allowed to be at x and y events then unfortunately we will not be able to attend. DD is an exclusively nursing baby and is at this time too young to be separated from me for such extended periods of time. I understand that other friends/relatives attending the wedding are getting sitters for their babies, but that is not something we are comfortable with at this time and we need to do what is right for our family. Congratulations and have a wonderful wedding!!

IF you feel like you need to go, I would arrange it so DH watches the baby, you attend each event for an hour or so and that is it. I would also tell them ahead of time that this is your plan and why you need to do this - exclusively nursing baby.

I get you OP, I really do. When DD was 18 months old we got invited to a wedding. It was 3 hours from where we live and 45 mins from where the bride and groom lived - sort of a destination wedding, it was near nothing/nobody. It was on a Friday afternoon at 4 pm, so for us to get a sitter our options were - ask one of the grandparents (who each lived 2 hours away from the wedding) to take the day off a work to watch DD and then us be away from her for approx 8 hours, or hire a stranger to entertain her in a hotel room for 5 hours. Sorry, not going to happen. It was like they invited us but made it impossible for us to attend. It was a former coworker of DH's and honestly I wish they would have never invited us in the 1st place. When I emailed her to ask if DD could come she told me no and that even her own nephews weren't attending.







: What is that about? That sucks for them too then....I would never exclude family just because they were under a certain age.

And to the poster who said her son was not invited to his grandma's wedding that is just majorly messed up!


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
Wow. I'd just opt out. There's something about that email that really rubs me the wrong way.









: Especially the "she is allowed to the brunch, but that's it."

So sorry that you're dealing with this, Gaia's Mama. In your shoes, I'd probably opt out entirely, or maybe just go to the brunch (and bring a gift, of course) if it's not too far away for a day trip.


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## jeanine123 (Jan 7, 2005)

That would pretty much seal the deal for me. No way would I be attending. I'm not all that interested in attending a brunch with a bunch of hung over people but that's just me.


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## ell (Jan 3, 2009)

Their wedding, their choice. Ask them clearly what events the baby can attend and politely decline any that will cause you issue. Quite simple.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *snoopy5386* 
It was like they invited us but made it impossible for us to attend. It was a former coworker of DH's and honestly I wish they would have never invited us in the 1st place.

It was an UNvitation


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

After an email like that, I definitely wouldn't attend. I love the odd child free function myself, but the whole three day wedding thing combined with the attitude would put me completely off. I'd send a modest gift and call it done.


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## HisBeautifulWife (Jun 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
I think it's really arrogant and snotty to have a no babies/children rule.

We didn't have kids at our wedding.

1) There was going to be alcohol _(which I didn't want *period* but my family thought that I HAD to have it because people expected it)_ and I don't think that type of environment (free liquor all night) sets a good example for kids.

2) I wanted to enjoy my wedding without worrying about if some child was going to fall off the boat.

If someone didn't want to come because of that, I really wouldn't have cared. Now that might sound arrogant but that's not my intention. I just don't get that worked up about weddings as to me it wasn't about who was there, it was about that commitment we were making.

So our decision wasn't arrogant or snotty, it was a preference.


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## KJoslyn78 (Jun 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I would call whoever is organizing these events (mother of the bride? Maid of honor?) and clarify whether or not the baby is welcome at any or all of the weekend's events.

If baby's welcome at the informal events but not the wedding itself, It would be perfectly reasonable to come for the "wedding weekend"(if baby's welcome at those) and skip the wedding itself (or just send DH to the wedding while you stay in a hotel room with the baby). If the baby isn't welcome at ANY of the wedding-related events, I'd politely decline the invitation. Baby isn't ready to be away from you yet, period.









:


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## ErinBird (Dec 5, 2005)

I would clarify that the baby is not invited to any of the festivities over the entire weekend first. If that is true, find out how they want you to reply to the invitation if you, your partner and your parents will all be rotating in and out of the event.


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## bender (Mar 23, 2007)

Send a gift and stay home. It sounds like it has the potential to be a drama filled event. If you feel guilty about not going, spend a bit more on a gift. It's easier to justify giving a spendier gift when you aren't paying travel expenses.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

I agree with other posters, that after getting that email clarification, it would be best to not go. I especially didn't like the comment your cousin made referring to 'other people with even younger babies are arranging childcare'. That just comes off as negatively judging your parenting choices.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Ooh, ooh, I know! Stay home but send them parenting books for a wedding present! And a sling!

But I'm bad that way...









I actually wouldn't do that - but it would be funny...


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

You see, it just depends what the bride and groom want for their wedding, we've just received invites to a fantastic wedding in Paris, and our kids were invited and then they phoned us to make sure the kids would be there - strange how folk are so different!

After that email I'd just stay home - they'll be other times that you'll be able to go to a wedding with your dd, and by the way I'd get a gift for them - but I wouldn't go out of my way to get something expensive etc, if they say no kids/babies then they need to mean it and not just make exceptions for the privileged few - that would annoy me!


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gaia's Mama* 
I am totally with you on it's their wedding, their choice, but they are making it sound as if it is a privledge to attend. It is a definite that she is not invited, however, there is a child on the bride's side coming from out of state as well and they are going (also a cousin). So they should understand if we don't want to do. However, when I asked if my cousin could email me a time that would be good for him so we could talk....this is the response I got:

Regarding the care of DD while you attend the wedding: To state this clearly, DD will not be allowed at the Welcome Party on Friday night or the Wedding and Reception on Saturday. She is allowed for the Brunch on Sunday, but that's it. I'm going to talk with a friend of ours who is bring her parents to the area in order to have them care for their daughter who is even younger than yours. There may be another couple doing the same thing and I'll ask them as well. Otherwise, we may be able to ask Sarah's Mom for a recommendation in the area, since they live there.

What times would you need help? You have all the dates and times, so please let me know, so I can ask what the commitment would be for.

peace,
Marc

Let me state this clearly: I do not leave my daughter in the care of anyone else except myself or my husband...(with the exception of my parents who are attending the wedding). We are inseparable out of necessity because she is breastfeeding exclusively....so if her presence isn't "allowed" then neither is mine. My parents as well as my aunt is up in arms about it, I think it is the bride...I understand it's their day....however....if she were to cause any sort of disturbance, we would leave....I know the bride is high maintenance, and I feel bad for my cousin, but seriously, I'm sure they have more to worry about than a baby. The letter he wrote is rude...and I am waiting to respond because I was so blown away....all I asked was for a time to talk to explain to him what we were thinking of doing. I think that we may just opt out...and not give them the "privledge" of our presence. It's embarassing to think I even have family like this. We are going to a wedding on my husbands side 2 weeks before this one and they are soooo excited to meet our daughter and I would frankly rather spend the money on traveling to that one.

Did I mention it's a 4th of july wedding? that's a whole other story...probably so my cousin wouldn't forget their anniversary cause he's high as the sky all the time....

ok, i will get back soon with some updates! all these comments have helped....i do understand both sides, but with the letter he wrote, it's totally rude....can't wait for them to have kids!

I don't think he was being rude, just very very dense.

It sounds like he misunderstood your email to him and thought tthat you wanted to ask at what times babysitters were available.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
I went to a wedding when my ds was 7 mos old. NO children or babies were invited AT ALL. The bride had told me yes on more than one occasion. Her mother called me the day of (or the day before?) the wedding and told me I couldn't bring him. I hemmed & hawed about it for the longest time before making my decision.

The mother of the bride was extremely rude, but also overstepped her authority. If the _bride_ has told you that you can bring the baby, then you can bring him.

When DS was a baby, we were invited to a party. Shortly before said party, a mutual friend called me and told me it was an adult event and DS couldn't come. I called _the host_ and he said DS was still welcome. I took DS.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beansmama* 
.a friends kid (not quite 2) even threw a ball at me during "the dance" that landed in my bustle and I couldn't get it out until the end.

OK, I gotta ask...

Where did he get the ball from?


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## Miasmamma (Sep 20, 2006)

OP- I would stay home and save yourself the trouble of planning a rotating schedule. I do like the idea of parenting books and a sling as a present though! And yes, I would do something like that in a heartbeat.

I just have to say that I really don't get weddings/family functions that exclude children, but that is probably b/c in my family, the kids are it! Once you have them no one pays you the slightest bit of attention unless it's to ask "Where is DD?"







I know that if this baby chose to come this week, my aunt and cousin would be thrilled to have him/her at my cousin's wedding next Sat. DD is going to have a ball playing with her cousin's all weekend!


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I would decline to go to anything but the ceremony and have dh watch the baby if you want to put in an appearance.
Did you want to go the the wedding ceremony? It doesn't sound like you really want to so I'd just send your regrets and best wishes and have a lovely 4th of July weekend elsewhere.

I think your cousin is not so much rude as he does not understand.


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## montlake (Mar 13, 2008)

I don't think he was trying to be rude. I think the most likely scenario is that they made it clear no children were invited and every person with kids who was invited has contacted them explaining why they will be an exception to the rule. You may be the 10th person that day he had to remind to honor his wishes for HIS wedding.

I wish I would have had a no kids rule at my wedding. Everyone who brought their's seemed to think because they were in a room full of people at the reception they no longer needed to watch their children. *I* was having to chase other people's kids through the resort in my wedding gown and escort them back to the reception ballroom.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

I would not go. Not to prove any sort of "point" but just because it does not sound feasible for you and really just not worth the effort.

I think child-free events are just fine. I have always thought babies in arms were the exception but obviously some people do not know this. There are all sorts of reasons to have child-free weddings. I had one. Part because I was clueless but also because we got married right out of college and about half of the guests were in college or recent grads. It was going to be a drunkfest reunion and I was not comfortable with children being in the mix. Children were welcome at the wedding ceremony itself and the few people that approached us with childcare issues were informed of that the reception was going to be like (no kids food, boring, drunken people, late at night, etc....) and then allowed to make their own call. A few babies who would not be toddling around and in danger of being trampled did come. We also provided sitters although I understood even then that for very young children, that was iffy for most parents.

We have sat out many weddings and other events due to child care issues. Even now, I am not at all comfortable with a stranger watching my child. I just had to miss the wedding of a very close friend (dh was in the wedding party) because it was out of town and kids were not allowed. When i say out of town, I mean across the country. We have no one to leave dd with for a trip and although they provided "licensed child care providers" I knew I was not going to be OK leaving her with anyone I did not know and trust. I was sad to miss it and they were disappointed. But I did make it very clear I had no hard feelings and that they should not do anything special to accommodate us. Dd is very well behaved and has a lot of adult friends. She has been invited to stuff that other kids were not. That is even more awkward as the other parents are wondering why their kids were left out. Better to just skip it. Adult-only events are pretty rare and it is not a big deal IMO.

And when it works out, I really enjoy occasionally attending something where I do not have to witness a late-night-I-am-so-tired-tantrum or watch chicken finger and catsup artwork in creation. Just like kids sometimes like to have parties where they do not have to listen to discussion about the stock market or eat endive


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## serenekitten (Nov 20, 2008)

So, for a three-day-long event, three hours away, the baby is only welcome for a small amount of time on the last day of it?

I'd say no, especially where you're not comfortable leaving her with anybody. They can deal with it. As a previous poster mentioned, do you really want to go and end up feeling resentful? Not my idea of a good time.


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## Snuzzmom (Feb 6, 2008)

This thread is giving me deja-vu.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *betsyj* 
Oh dear. Really? I find this attitude upsetting because it suggests your kids are more important somehow then the bride. And to you of course they are-but a wedding is about the bride, not about your kids, and she gets to choose who she wants to come to her wedding.

Yep. Well, I think it's about the bride AND the groom, but in any case it is NOT about the invited guests.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
What I find upsetting about it (no babies/kids) is the lack of consideration for a nursing infant. Under 12 mos and nursing, IMO, should be a free pass.

Obviously not everyone agrees, but that's my opinion.

I doubt they planned their wedding around you and your child's needs, you know? Sometimes the timing just doesn't work out. Honestly, why should they consider you* at all, unless you are a very close relative/ friend/ integral part of the wedding? I'm sure at least some other guests will have to decline because some personal issue or need isn't going to gibe with the timing of the wedding. They bride and groom don't owe anyone any special considerations. It might be KINDER if they did, but they don't want to go the kid route and they are well within their rights to make that decision at their own wedding.

* general "you," not YOU!

Just don't go.


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## snoopy5386 (May 6, 2005)

you know what rubs me wrong....I have been thinking about this. It is the word "allowed", there are many nicer ways of saying kid free or kids are welcome without using the word allowed, that is what makes it rude. And yeah, no kids at a welcome dinner, what a big welcome that is! The only part of a wedding I could see excluding kids from is the ceremony. That's it. A rehearsal dinner? Who cares? The reception - out of a 100 other guests how are a few kids going to bother you? I would be more worried about drunk adults. And for those who say their reception was a drunkfest - well in that case, by the time it got to that point (I would assume it would take at least a couple of hours) I would take my kids and leave - heck I would leave anyways, that is not my scene ever.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I agree that "allowed" isn't a nice word, but then people don't always follow it. Here at MDC we've had mom say they were bringing children even though the children weren't invited. If they're really serious about not wanting children there, they probably do need to be very specific and explicit about that. I can't think of a nice way to say it and be very specific and explicit.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Ya know... a lot of times people send invites to people they know won't be able to attend (and no, it isn't just for a gift) - because NOT to invite them would be taken as an affront. Heck, maybe they invited Great-Aunt Hildegaard who is wheelchair-bound on oxygen living in Outer Mongolia! Is she likely to attend? No. Would it be rude to not invite her? Yes.

The long and the short of it is - it is THEIR wedding. THEY can set whatever rules they like. You can either abide by them, or not attend. It really IS that simple.

And yeah - you're probably the 10th or 15th person asking him the same thing. It gets old. No kids = No kids. Not a difficult concept, IMO. I'd be testy, too. I already am, and I'm not even getting married!


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## GAjenn (Jan 28, 2009)

I admit I didn't read all the posts.....
I am coming from a wedding coordinator's perspective: you should talk to the bride directly. Try not to pressure her, but ask what events can baby come to. Most brides do not want them loud during the ceremony, but don't mind the reception. Some brides want an adult-alcohol atmosphere at their reception and don't want them there either. My guess is the BBQ would be fine, since the baby will not cost more. People spend tons of money and time on weddings, so you have to respect their wishes.
I NEVER leave my 11 month old baby with a sitter, so I am with you on that one!


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

Yeah, definitely clarify with your cousin which events babies/children are invited to and then make whatever plans you are comfortable with. While I think weddings are infinitely more fun with kids, not everyone agrees with me and I respect that they should do their wedding their way (I certainly did mine the way I wanted). But the flip side is if you do leave out babies/children from an event, then some parents will choose not to attend at all or attend less time or whatever because they have to do what works for their family.

But yeah, make it a no pressure conversation, just that you want to clarify the situation so you can figure out your plan.


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## momeg (Dec 4, 2006)

I've attended two adult-only weddings where exceptions were made for a few children of complaining parents--one for nursing, the other for lack-of-babysitter. The nursing infant wailed the entire ceremony. It was in a chapel, so there was no where to take the baby but outside in the cold, so everyone just had to deal. On top of that, the baby spit-up all over the bride's back at the reception--in her hair and everything.

But that was nothing compared to my friend who allowed one of her husband's relatives to bring her three-year old boy after the mother made a major deal out of the "no kids" rule. My friend's wedding was a formal, evening event. The little boy spent the ceremony running up and down the lobby outside the sanctuary screaming at the top of his lungs. At the reception, he went around punching everyone in the leg (or worse for some of the men). The icing on the cake (so to speak) was when it was time to cut the cake, and they discovered that he had poked holes all over the fondant frosting with his finger and broken the head off of the groomsman cake-topper--which was a family heirloom. When my friend got upset, the mother accused her of "hating children."

Kids don't belong everywhere--not at punk rock shows, not at David Mamet plays, and not at adult-only parties, which is what your cousins wedding is. Be cool--send your regrets and a gift.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

Based on the response email, I'd stay away. If it were just the ceremony that was adults-only, I'd be telling you the opposite - go and have your dh watch your dd at the hotel so you can see you cousin get married! It is really is OK to want a solemn, dignified, uninterrupted religious ceremony.

But multiple child-free parties over the course of a weekend where the kids of the out-of-towners are not welcome? Rude rude rude rude rude. Clueless, immature and rude.

And you cousin's email? Super-rude.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Snuzzmom* 
Honestly, why should they consider you* at all, unless you are a very close relative/ friend/ integral part of the wedding?

ummm....seriously? I honestly can't imagine thinking this way. If I care enough about someone to invite them to my wedding, and am willing to ask them to give up their time to help me celebrate, and their money to get me a gift (and, let's face it, no matter what the etiquette books say about it being poor etiquette to expect a gift, we all know that a guest is going to buy one, or feel like crap), then I think some consideration of their circumstances is in order. Why should I, as the bride, consider them at all? Wow - no wonder the Bridezilla phenomenon is so widespread.

I definitely wouldn't attend the wedding after the email. I don't think he misunderstood at all. That came across as "no kids, and you're making a big deal out of this when it doesn't have to be - see - here are some potential childcare arrangements". Of course, I tend to skip adult-only events, anyway...I tended not to enjoy them, even before I had kids (which is interesting, as I wasn't a big "kid person" - just liked the family vibe better than the "adult only" vibe).


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## Snuzzmom (Feb 6, 2008)

What I mean is, they can't realistically consider the special needs that every guest might have. They can't go through and say, "Well, X's baby is due around then, and Y is having surgery the week after..." They are timing their wedding based on their needs, not the needs of their guests. It has nothing to do with being a Bridezilla (or Groomzilla), it's logisitcs. You invite (for instance) 200 people, you're not going to call each one and see which dates work best for them based on the events in their lives.

ETA But you might if you really wanted a specific person to be *part of* the wedding, not just attend.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Someone who has a baby isn't about what dates work for them. A baby is a full-time part of someone's life.

I don't know. I thought about the circumstances of my guests from out of town. I wanted them to be there (can't imagine why I'd invite them if I didn't?), and people who have to travel obviously have to consider things that locals don't have to think about...


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## Snuzzmom (Feb 6, 2008)

Well, you and I know that, but they don't have kids and for all we know no experience with them. I'm just pointing out that not everyone thinks the way you might, or that I might.







Technically they DON'T have an obligation to anyone else.


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## rhiandmoi (Apr 28, 2006)

If you're not willing to leave your DD with someone, then you have no choice but not to attend anything but the brunch. Although, I don't think it's worth the drive to go to the wedding brunch. I believe in respecting invitations, and if it says no kids, it means no kids.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

It's a bit of a sore subject but from an etiquette point of view and a bride's point of view here goes:

As the person who is hosting the event (and let's not forget the stress that goes into planning a wedding) they have the 100% right to dictate policy be it good bad or ugly.

Let's also remember that while we look upon our children with eyes that see them only as angels not mattter what, the rest of the general public, or family, or what have you, might not. That means that the idea of a baby at a wedding ceremony... that might suddenly begin wailing for whatever reason is one of those frankly, perfectly valid reasons for a couple not to want a baby at their wedding. This is THIER day. They only get one.

We did not invite children to our wedding for a number of reasons. Some people got sitters, some people declined the invite. I understood the reson that some did not come.

Now that I'm a mom? Rules don't change. If we had been invited to a wedding when DS was a BFing 24/7 infant where children were not welcome, we would have declined the invite, not expect the hosts to make exceptions for us or us feel sour about it. And now that DS is older I fully have ZERO problem with adult only parties. We just get a sitter or still, decline if the occasion is not realistic for us.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
It's a bit of a sore subject but from an etiquette point of view and a bride's point of view here goes:

As the person who is hosting the event (and let's not forget the stress that goes into planning a wedding) they have the 100% right to dictate policy be it good bad or ugly.

Let's also remember that while we look upon our children with eyes that see them only as angels not mattter what, the rest of the general public, or family, or what have you, might not.

I always find this sentiment funny. I didn't personally invite any angels to either of my weddings. I don't know any - adult or child. IME, this whole debate has little to do with parents of nurslings thinking their children are angels.

Quote:

That means that the idea of a baby at a wedding ceremony... that might suddenly begin wailing for whatever reason is one of those
I see this point, or variations of it, made every time one of these threads come up. If I had a friend or relative who I believed would be too inconsiderate to take their wailing baby out of earshot, I wouldn't invite them at all...with or without their child.

Quote:

Now that I'm a mom? Rules don't change. If we had been invited to a wedding when DS was a BFing 24/7 infant where children were not welcome, we would have declined the invite, not expect the hosts to make exceptions for us or us feel sour about it.
I actually completely agree with this, but it does go both ways. There have been many stories here (and elsewhere) of brides and grooms feeling slighted because someone declined an invitation that didn't include their children. It's annoying when the consideration is only expected to go one way.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momeg* 
The nursing infant wailed the entire ceremony. It was in a chapel, so there was no where to take the baby but outside in the cold, so everyone just had to deal. On top of that, the baby spit-up all over the bride's back at the reception--in her hair and everything.

But that was nothing compared to my friend who allowed one of her husband's relatives to bring her three-year old boy after the mother made a major deal out of the "no kids" rule. My friend's wedding was a formal, evening event. The little boy spent the ceremony running up and down the lobby outside the sanctuary screaming at the top of his lungs. At the reception, he went around punching everyone in the leg (or worse for some of the men). The icing on the cake (so to speak) was when it was time to cut the cake, and they discovered that he had poked holes all over the fondant frosting with his finger and broken the head off of the groomsman cake-topper--which was a family heirloom. When my friend got upset, the mother accused her of "hating children."

OMG! I am livid and I don't even know these people! How painfully rude. But not surprising. To me, the respectful thing to do (whether it is how WE personally believe a wedding should be or not) is to leave kids at home if THAT IS WHAT THE INVITATION STATED. The parents in the above two examples were rude to bring their kids and rude to let those kids ruin the ceremony and reception.

In the first example, I'd expect one of the baby's parents to take their crying infant out to the car, turn the car on - with heater, and drive around if the noise of the car was disruptive to the chapel. And in the second example, if the parents didn't control their kid I'd tell them to leave or expect someone else to take over since they weren't supervising or disciplining their little terror. Unreal. Cannot get over how selfish the parents in that example are.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhiandmoi* 
I believe in respecting invitations, and if it says no kids, it means no kids.

Thank you! (And I had kids at my wedding and reception. Didn't really want them at the ceremony but didn't want to offend. And yes, I've been to weddings with wailing kids and the parent doesn't take them out. I throw continued "what are you DOING?" glances, but those type of parents never take the hint. Had gaggles of kids at our shower, rehearsal dinner, and reception - which all went fine. But I TOTALLY understand not wanting kids at the ceremony or kids with useless parents at any part of the wedding. Our job is to WATCH OUR KIDS. To keep them safe, and to keep them from causing a problem for others. Juniors right to holler isn't more important than the bride having a wedding that the rest of the people there (who either parent their children or make other arrangements) can hear.


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## suziek (Jun 4, 2004)

I haven't read all the posts but I thought I'd chime in with a thought: whatever you do, do it graciously and kindly and politely.

If you don't go, don't be huffy or indignant about it. You'll regret it later (let's just say I know from experience).

Brides lose all perspective. Families spend ridiculous amounts of money on weddings. Expectations run very, very high. Honestly, as a new mother I lost all perspective, too.

So just do your best for yourself and your baby, and if you have to celebrate with your cousin and the new family member later in some other way, enjoy that, too. Or find a way to go, leave early, and wish the bride and groom well.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Honestly, just decline. If it was a relative of your husband's, then just he could go, or if it were close enough, you could leave your husband with the kids at a local mall or diner with the kids while you went to ceremony and a quick hello at the reception. I wouldn't make a deal of it with the bride though.

I've been invited to... I guess it's something like 8 weddings since DD was born 5 years ago. 1 without a kid at all, but she was like 2, and an only child at that point. I went to 4 the kids were welcome at. I declined 1-2 outright; distance, no kids welcome. I went to one where DH stayed at a mall with the kids nearby for about 2.5 hours. And one where my parents watched DD in the same hotel where the wedding was. I think the most fun were actually the one sans kids and with in-hotel childcare. The worst was the DH at the mall one, but that was drastically affected by my PPD and fear of crowds and the fact that I had to go all alone.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

just politely decline.

dh & i have a rule- "if we all can't go- no one goes".... its just the way we live. our friends have adjusted & gotten used to it.

wedding, funeral, whatever. we do not leave our kids with anyone but each other. its just not an option.

its okay to not go, and to be honest & polite.


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## Daphneduck (Jan 22, 2009)

The note seems a little terse, but we did not invite children to our wedding, other than those in the wedding party, and I quickly got sick of explaining that there would be no exceptions. Only two people asked me to make an exception, but one was particularly persistent about it and had spoken to other relatives about how she felt her children were being slighted. When I finally spoke to her it was in a similar tone as was used in that email. It is really irritating to be put in the position of telling someone that they wont make an exception for you. It is rude to put someone in that position. If you don't want to leave your child with a sitter, just don't go. There will be plenty of events where your child will be welcome.


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## lavieenrose (Jun 30, 2005)

Wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "politely declines." My cousin invited us to her super-formal, adults only Christmastime wedding several years ago when my child was 4 months old. They were a little shocked when we declined, and called to find out if maybe we could get a babysitter or something. Well, my entire family was attending the wedding so no one was free to babysit, and they certainly weren't free to breastfeed my child!

My cousin had her first baby a year ago, she is breastfeeding, and she actually called me to apologize for being annoyed that we couldn't attend her wedding. She gets it now.









They really can't understand yet, but that's not your problem. Just pleasantly abide by their "no child" rule and send a nice gift.


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## suziek (Jun 4, 2004)

I just read most of the thread and I do think Dear Cousin needed some help phrasing his e-mail.

A "we'd love to see the baby, and she'd be more than welcome at the brunch." would go a long way.

I do bet he had more than one person try to win a dispensation, and may find it frustrating to fend off petitioners.

I've declined so many weddings I've lost count. The reasons have varied from "I can't really afford to fly to Morocco with 4 kids over Christmas" to "I've never liked you Cousin Paulie" to "I've just started a new job and can't take a four day weekend." to "I'm in labor, sorry for the short notice".

As much as I know I am loved, I also know my absence didn't take anything away from the couple's big day. Decline with all the charm you can muster, send a whopper of a gift if you can afford it, and enjoy the 4th with DH and the baby. Just don't forget to invite cousin Paulie and his bride to your Christmas party. I know they are just dying to hold the baby!


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## Gaia's Mama (Jan 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
I agree with other posters, that after getting that email clarification, it would be best to not go. I especially didn't like the comment your cousin made referring to 'other people with even younger babies are arranging childcare'. That just comes off as negatively judging your parenting choices.

THanks, that's what I thought, I wouldn't have minded if it was said in a more respectful manner, but it's plain outright rude. I really can't wait until he is a parent, I haven't yet responded to the email, I don't think I even want to.


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## Gaia's Mama (Jan 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
Ooh, ooh, I know! Stay home but send them parenting books for a wedding present! And a sling!

But I'm bad that way...









I actually wouldn't do that - but it would be funny...

That is actually a really awesome idea!!

I think I might : )


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gaia's Mama* 
THanks, that's what I thought, I wouldn't have minded if it was said in a more respectful manner, but it's plain outright rude. I really can't wait until he is a parent, I haven't yet responded to the email, I don't think I even want to.

I don't think you have to respond to the email. Or just send back something super short: "Just wanted you to know I received your e-mail regarding no children or infants at the wedding. Sincerely, [name]." Then just return the RSVP form with "Regretfully our family will not be able to attend." He was rude, no reason to perpetuate it.


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## Gaia's Mama (Jan 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *suziek* 
I just read most of the thread and I do think Dear Cousin needed some help phrasing his e-mail.

A "we'd love to see the baby, and she'd be more than welcome at the brunch." would go a long way.

I do bet he had more than one person try to win a dispensation, and may find it frustrating to fend off petitioners.

I've declined so many weddings I've lost count. The reasons have varied from "I can't really afford to fly to Morocco with 4 kids over Christmas" to "I've never liked you Cousin Paulie" to "I've just started a new job and can't take a four day weekend." to "I'm in labor, sorry for the short notice".

As much as I know I am loved, I also know my absence didn't take anything away from the couple's big day. Decline with all the charm you can muster, send a whopper of a gift if you can afford it, and enjoy the 4th with DH and the baby. Just don't forget to invite cousin Paulie and his bride to your Christmas party. I know they are just dying to hold the baby!


I really appreciate your support. As far as the email, yes, I am fine with and respect that they don't want her there, but he could probably be a little more tactful in letting us know!


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

I wouldnt go and they wouldnt get a gift from me...but I'm a jerk like that


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## BekahMomToOliver (Oct 31, 2008)

I would respectfully decline, and send a card or something.

I got married this past Christmas Eve, it was a tiny family-only ceremony and of course kids were invited, our son was 11 months old at the time and, in fact, kids probably made up 1/3 of the guest list. It would have been awesome, the kids were playing together afterwards and having a ball.

Except...
As I was downstairs getting ready, 5 minutes before the ceremony, the clerk came down and mentioned that one of the guests had brought a little boy who was quite ill. He was, apparently, vomiting everywhere, whiney, and begging to go to bed.
Turns out, my SIL's little guy (2 at the time) had a raging gastro bug. And since her husband was sick too, and their 7 month old baby, she decided to bring the kids with her _to our freaking wedding_ so her husband could sleep







:
This was a tiny wedding too, like 25 people/kids, so we were all at one huge table for dinner. He vomited all through the reception, people had to jump out of their chairs to dodge it at one point.

Long story short, everyone got sick. My brother and his wife ended up with the bug not 4 hours after the wedding was over. They had come all the way from the Bahamas for a family Christmas in snowy Canada, and couldn't even get out of bed to open their gifts the next day because they were so sick. It lasted the rest of their visit, it seriously _*sucked*_.

Looking back, though, if I could do it all over again I wouldn't not invite kids. I'd specify on the invitations that common sense was mandatory, though! But honestly, whereas before I might have been a bit grumpy at a 'no kids' rule, I can see it from both perspectives now. And I don't think I'd go to an event my children weren't invited too, but that's just me.
Hopefully you can find a way to work it out! Good luck!


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## Crazybean (Apr 24, 2008)

I had a "no kids" policy for my wedding. And now with kids,I would have still done the same thing knowing what I know now. Our main reason was cutting costs (we had a small budget ever and it was hard enough to pay for the cake so we cut the kids out) and our reception site was ON the water so I was worried about drowning too.
Anyway, our biggest problem we were encountering IF we let the babies come is "why can so and so bring her baby but I can't bring my 1 year old (1 year olds don't eat much either)? Then why can so and so bring her only kid but mine is 8 and will behave ect? Then the "why can't I" started from everyone.
I'm assuming if you are going to be there for 3 days, you are getting a hotel? I would take turns watching the child and attend the function for an hour or 2 and leave for the day. If it is that impt, you can make your appearance,chat and eat a little then return back to your DC.


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## Crazybean (Apr 24, 2008)

After reading the e-mail, I'd respond and just say that you won't be able to make it. OR just show up for the brunch on Sunday with the baby but for nothing else.


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## rhiandmoi (Apr 28, 2006)

We had no kids under 10, except for my nephews who were 4, but they were in the wedding, and were watched like hawks. The reason we said no kids, was because there are tons of kids in the family and the parents do not closely supervise them at parties. And we had the wedding in a park with a lake and cactuses and stuff. The last thing we needed was a dead or injured kid due to poor supervision.

Even the kids over 10 disrupted the party several times because they were running around and pulled the plug on our lights.

So yeah, no kids.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kappa* 
I don't understand the desire to exclude children.

If all of my friends brought their kids to my wedding I wouldn't have been able to afford it. These same friends would have been so upset if I had simply decided not to invite them b/c I couldn't host the whole family. So I invited them and wrote "adult reception".

There was a nursling at my wedding and I thought nothing of it. I didn't have to pay for nursling to eat.

I also remember a child ruined my bf's train at a wedding. She wanted kids at her wedding, but she was pi$$ed. The parents went off to enjoy themselves, the kids ran in a pack, and no one noticed when the girls got into a room they shouldn't have and played "bride".


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Egads. That email wasn't so tactful at all. Bad, bad wording.

At this point you should decline. Politely.

And when he has a baby find some way to remind him


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
Well, firstly, don't make a decision based on "it appears that...". Make sure you have a clear understanding.







Who knows, maybe they'd be willing to have the baby at some of the other stuff besides the actual wedding.

It is their wedding, so their choice. Whether you go or not is your choice. For me, I would understand and respect the desire for a child-free wedding, and expect that they would understand and respect my refusal to leave my kiddos. I'd send a nice gift and a card, but not attend.

ditto.

The bottom line is that it's the couple's wedding and they have the right to do things the way they want.







Although, I do agree with asking them about bringing the baby. They may be okay with infants but perhaps they don't want older children running around and getting rowdy.

I personally can't imagine having had my wedding without children at it but we had a very informal wedding, and it last more like 6 hours and not 3 days. It sounds like a very big deal for this couple and a lot is being put in to it. Plus, if they don't have children then they have no idea what it's like to need to have your nursing baby with you. No one really knows what it's like to have a child until they are put in that position.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *darcytrue* 
Plus, if they don't have children then they have no idea what it's like to need to have your nursing baby with you. No one really knows what it's like to have a child until they are put in that position.

That's true, although it sounds like there are plenty of mamas on here like us who not only invited children of all ages to their weddings, but welcomed their attendance and enjoyed having kids there. It is one of the highlights of our wedding, to see the little ones enjoying themselves and hear their sweet laughter.

The other things that many people don't think about in regards to nursing mama baby pairs are:

-MASTITIS Back when dd was little, she nursed so much and so often and my milk supply so overabundant, that a change in our schedule and her not nursing would have been at best painful and embarrassing with leakage, and at worst a precursor to mastitis.

-DECREASED SUPPLY For some moms dealing with supply issues, it is just as important for them to keep up the nursing schedule to maintain their supply.

-PUMPING. It sounds so easy to tell a mom to pump some milk. Some can't afford a pump (they're expensive!!) Some have a really hard time pumping. In addition, like mentioned above, if I had to go more than 2 hours when dd was little, I would have had to bring a pump to the party and use it.

-BOTTLES Some babies don't take bottles. DD never did. A nursing mom that doesn't use bottles would have to go through the time and expense to buy bottles and nipples (and some babies don't like certain nipples, so that prospect can get expensive), and work with the little one for some time before an event to see if bottle feeding would be an option.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

For my wedding I had to cut down the guest list because I didn't want to split families up, kids were more than welcome. I just had to make decisions on which adults with kids I wanted there more.

During the ceremony my 2 year old niece kept coming up to us as we said our vows and asking why we weren't talking to her, she also waved at the crowd (to keep them from getting bored I presume). And during the speeches someone gave her a quacking walking duck which she raced through the dancefloor. It was HILARIOUS and we wouldn't have changed a thing. She brought a special tenderness and humour to the wedding and in our minds "blessed" it with the promise of the joy we'd some day have.

Everyone makes their choices, but to me our guests and their happiness was also important. No way I'd make a "kid-free" rule...Although I might make a rule about no drunk BIL MCs...

Haven't run into this situation myself yet but after that email I'd definitely not go. And don't go crazy on the gift either, be gracious...but they kinda sound like UAVs.


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## Princessyoga (Dec 31, 2006)

I would decline especially as his email was very rude. He could have given the same information but in a nicer way. I have had 2 weddings were my pregnancy or breastfeeding were an issue. One was when I was heavily pregnant. the wedding was a couple days before my due date (the date was picked after my due date was announced). It was a family member and in town. DH and I decided not to attend because I would either be too uncomfortable (Weddings here last over 12 hours) and was afraid of going in to labour at the wedding or only have given birth days earlier and getting to grips with breastfeeding .The baby was invited. They were hurt and there was bit of pressure when we didn't go. In the end the baby was 2 weeks late. The second wedding were friends the baby was 4 months old. DD wasn't invited which was fair enough. I left DD with her grandparents and brought my pump. The hotel arranged a private room for me to express and it was December in Ireland so I was able to store my milk in the car in my insulated bag. I pumped twice during the day it the hotel and once in the car on the way home.We left early so I could go feed her. I felt bad for DH because I left him to go pump. I was in agony and majorly engorged by the time I got back to her. I am not sure if I would do that again when they are feeding so often.


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## ell (Jan 3, 2009)

wowee. Yeah, his email was totally brutal and in light of that, I'd simply decline. Not because he was snippy, not because he's being totally draconian, but because it just sounds like it's completely unmanageable for you. Send your regrets and move on.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Miasmamma* 
OP- I would stay home and save yourself the trouble of planning a rotating schedule. I do like the idea of parenting books and a sling as a present though! And yes, I would do something like that in a heartbeat.

I just have to say that I really don't get weddings/family functions that exclude children, but that is probably b/c in my family, the kids are it! Once you have them no one pays you the slightest bit of attention unless it's to ask "Where is DD?"







I know that if this baby chose to come this week, my aunt and cousin would be thrilled to have him/her at my cousin's wedding next Sat. DD is going to have a ball playing with her cousin's all weekend!


The couple don't have any children, and there is no reason to assume that they plan to have children, so I think the present idea is a bit off. Unless you thin they are obliged to parent other people's children and sling them around.


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

I have declined invites when our children aren't invited too. I respect that it's their right to decide on the guest list but I agree with you that family is family.

The most recent wedding was my brother in law & his wife. Dh was deployed at the time and we live in another state. I was invited but my 9y/o, 5y/o and 2 y/o weren't. I was surprised because I assumed that all 3 would be included as they are family and this was their uncle getting married. I never asked about it, just RSVP'd that I wouldn't be there because of the long drive for a short trip. I'd need to be back Sunday night so my two oldest could be at school the next day. That was too much for me without dh here. My parents, sister and her husband were also invited but I had plenty of family/friends to watch my kiddos had I gone. The real kicker was after the wedding when my mom told me that the niece & nephew of the bride were in the wedding & some of their friends brought their children.

I've been invited to a baby shower for my cousin's wife, out of state as well, but over the summer & have asked about my two girls attending the event. I haven't gotten a definite response yet but I was informed that my cousin's wife's sister isn't bringing her girls so most likely my two won't be welcome to attend. I'm not hurt but disappointed as my girls are well behaved and would enjoy a baby shower. Not to mention that they'd see aunts, cousins and great gramma.

I tend to think my thinking is backwards compared to most of my friends & family since I enjoy bringing my children to events & social gathers. They are well behaved and they learn how to behave in these social settings. I wouldn't expect a friend or aquaintance to include my children but when it comes to family, I just assume they'll be invited.

If I were you, I would decline the entire weekend and send your well wishes for a wonderful weekend.

Peace,


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

I would decline, as well. The groom's tone would have ruined it for me, even if I could have worked out the other logistics.

I was invited to my cousin's wedding this summer. It's at a resort in Colorado, where they live but no one else does. It's a weekend thing, as well. Since it's adult only, I'm declining. There's no way I could travel across the country without my kids. That would take up any vacation money I might have. And to bring them and have two of the events off limits, not worth it to me. Fine with me, I HATE formal events.


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

Sort of off topic, but when my son got married, my bil refused to come because his two young daughters weren't invited. They were 2 and 3 at the time and were quite the terrors. He said if his family wasn't welcome, he wasn't coming. But I notice they go out to dinner, go to parties, and go to military functions without their children very easily. They also leave them at the grandparents at the drop of a hat. So sometimes, I wonder if people just use the kids as as excuse not to go............


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *primjillie* 
Sort of off topic, but when my son got married, my bil refused to come because his two young daughters weren't invited. They were 2 and 3 at the time and were quite the terrors. He said if his family wasn't welcome, he wasn't coming. But I notice they go out to dinner, go to parties, and go to military functions without their children very easily. They also leave them at the grandparents at the drop of a hat. So sometimes, I wonder if people just use the kids as as excuse not to go............

I think that a lot of people see family functions differently than other events. So, I wouldn't necessarily think that.


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## rhiandmoi (Apr 28, 2006)

I think it depends on the type of family function. I tend to think of weddings and funerals as "no-kids" events, because of the solemnity of the occasions. Now wedding receptions or wakes aren't as serious, but most people don't understand invites that say "ceremony is adults only", and think of the ceremony and the reception as one event.

Like the story up thread where the little niece was asking the b&g why they weren't talking to her. I would freak out. Not at the little girl, she doesn't know any better. To her parents. Seriously. I would have said I do, then gone outside and freaked out all over her parents. Especially if it was a church ceremony. So clearly everyone has their own boundaries. But the other story up thread where the guest brought children with a stomach bug. I would have had a huge freak out over that.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Snuzzmom* 
Honestly, why should they consider you* at all, unless you are a very close relative/ friend/ integral part of the wedding?

Generally, people consdier their guests needs/wants. That's just proper etiquette. I ordered a vegetarian plate for my firend at my wedding. I amde sure the place where our reception was, was handicap acecsable, for my wheelchair bound grandma. A nursing mother usually NEEDS to have her baby nearby.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhiandmoi* 
I tend to think of weddings and funerals as "no-kids" events, because of the solemnity of the occasions.

While I agree that a wedding is an event that the hosts can choose whom to invite, and that may or may not include children, a *funeral* is different.

I feel it is highly unfair to exclude children. It is like saying that their grief is less real or important than our adult grief. Though a childs grief may be harder to see, and the child may not have come to understand what is going on, they also need the oportunity to say goodbye to Grandma or Aunt Jane or whoever.

Funerals aren't some party that one hosts for enjoyment. One doesn't get to pick and choose who cared the most about the dearly departed and invite those people. Invitations aren't sent out for funerals, they are simply anounced. There is a noticed put into the paper, you call all the relatives who in turn pass it along to whom ever they choose.


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## veronicalynne (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ginadc* 
I also think that if you have a no kids rule, you have to expect that some people may not be able to attend because of it. I would check to be sure that the baby is not welcome, and if so, decline politely, no harm, no foul.

Simply put: if you're the host of a no-kids wedding, don't get put out if some people with kids can't attend--accept their regrets graciously. If you're invited to a no-kids wedding and can't/don't wish to attend without your kids, then decline graciously. Neither party should get up in arms about it. The bride and groom have the right to plan their wedding as they see fit, and guests have the right to attend or not.

This exactly.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

I have no respect for the ban of children/babies from a wedding. it makes no sense to me. B/c we all know that a baby doesn't belong in the world...that's unnatural for a marriage.








That's like those people who say they won't use FAM/NFP b/c it's gross.







Wow and that makes sense how?

I made triple sure children were welcomed to the ceremony and reception. I can only imagine what some people must have experienced in the past...I had people calling me to make sure, even following up with a written letter lol. They couldn't believe it. One mom broke down in tears.









BTW It was a blast and I don't even recall hearing a baby during the ceremony.







Hope I don't need a flame suit but seriously, the bridezilla attitude surrounding children and weddings just irks me to no end.







:

I would decline big time and just feel sorry for them b/c when life hits them in the booty they are probably going to struggle. That was a terrible email to send to a relative.


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

Quote:

I have no respect for the ban of children/babies from a wedding. it makes no sense to me. B/c we all know that a baby doesn't belong in the world...that's unnatural for a marriage.
Have you not read some of the reasons why people have child-free weddings? If I had to do it all over again I'd still do it the same way, and this is coming from someone who now has two small children. I'm not under the impression that everybody wants MY children at their functions. The "I don't understand why you don't want my angelic Johnny and Joey there" drives me insane.

Also, I can assure you that I was nowhere close to a "Bridezilla". We had our wishes and unfortunately not everyone who came to our wedding respected our wishes.


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## jennybear (Sep 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
The couple don't have any children, and there is no reason to assume that they plan to have children, so I think the present idea is a bit off. Unless you thin they are obliged to parent other people's children and sling them around.

No kidding! I can't imagine a more offensive wedding present. "Here, I assume you will have kids and will presume you will parent them in the following way..." Yuck.


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## suziek (Jun 4, 2004)

This is a total aside, but I just want to say I am so glad DH and I eloped. We had a wonderful wedding with no drunk uncles, no insulted siblings, no slighted friends.

I personally like going to weddings with kids and I love fancy night time wedding without kids.

But I never would have been able to tread through the social/emotional/financial mine field that is the modern American wedding!


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## jennybear (Sep 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
I have no respect for the ban of children/babies from a wedding. it makes no sense to me. B/c we all know that a baby doesn't belong in the world...that's unnatural for a marriage.








That's like those people who say they won't use FAM/NFP b/c it's gross.







Wow and that makes sense how?

I made triple sure children were welcomed to the ceremony and reception. I can only imagine what some people must have experienced in the past...I had people calling me to make sure, even following up with a written letter lol. They couldn't believe it. One mom broke down in tears.









BTW It was a blast and I don't even recall hearing a baby during the ceremony.







Hope I don't need a flame suit but seriously, the bridezilla attitude surrounding children and weddings just irks me to no end.







:

I would decline big time and just feel sorry for them b/c when life hits them in the booty they are probably going to struggle. That was a terrible email to send to a relative.

People have shared 1001 reasons why they may not have invited kids.

On top of those very good reasons, I offer another: some people DON'T LIKE KIDS. Really. I know it's hard for mothers to believe, but it's true.

If I didn't like children, why on earth would I include them in a party celebrating my marriage?

I'm not saying that's the deal with the cousin, but it's a possibility.


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

I wouldnt want to attend a persons wedding who didnt like kids either







. I get that some people dont like kids but seriously, I doubt I could be friends with someone like that and I would probably avoid them as much as possible if they were in my family because I have a lot of kids, so unless they came to see me I wouldnt go out of my way to see them and thats the honest truth about it really.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennybear* 
People have shared 1001 reasons why they may not have invited kids.

On top of those very good reasons, I offer another: some people DON'T LIKE KIDS. Really. I know it's hard for mothers to believe, but it's true.

If I didn't like children, why on earth would I include them in a party celebrating my marriage?

I'm not saying that's the deal with the cousin, but it's a possibility.











Like I said, it's the same as when people say they won't use FAM/NFP b/c it's gross.

I didn't come on here to convince everyone that children are not only necessary but a reality in this world. I was just giving my opinion.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

we haven't been invited to a wedding since my oldest was a baby -7 yrs ago- and our family is huge! My mom finally informed us that kids aren't invited to most of them and they all know that I don't use sitters. I bet a few are concerned that I'll breastfeed too- _without_ going into the bathroom..









I figure they're just trying to respect us, and they know we are usually too busy to attend events (especially without the little ones).

I'm also not bothered by the thought of an adult-only wedding.. I would be annoyed if they didn't get why I couldn't attend though (if we were wanted, that is







)


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## vixenicolet (May 10, 2009)

I think *wanting* no kids at your wedding is one thing, acting on it is completely different. Sometimes you have to make choices based on other peoples feelings, and no matter what reason you have for a no kid wedding, it is rude to exclude people close to the person invited(ie the child). No wedding is going to be perfect. Weddings should be about close family and friends, however old or young.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vixenicolet* 
I think *wanting* no kids at your wedding is one thing, acting on it is completely different. Sometimes you have to make choices based on other peoples feelings, and no matter what reason you have for a no kid wedding, it is rude to exclude people close to the person invited(ie the child). No wedding is going to be perfect. Weddings should be about close family and friends, however old or young.


That is your opinion. Not fact. Not everyone thinks that way and it is not considered rude in the minds of _*all*_ people.

If you are invited to a "girls night out", is it rude not to include your husband and kids too? No.

For the record, I had kids galore at my wedding. Wouldn't have had it any other way. But, to each their own. If I could not attend a wedding due to no sitter, I would graciously decline, most likely send a gift and/or a card and call it a day. I don't take it personally at all.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *claddaghmom* 
I have no respect for the ban of children/babies from a wedding. it makes no sense to me. B/c we all know that a baby doesn't belong in the world...that's unnatural for a marriage.








That's like those people who say they won't use FAM/NFP b/c it's gross.







Wow and that makes sense how?

People have lots of reasons for both not inviting children AND not using FAM/NFP. In fact, people who don't invite children almost certainly aren't making that choice because they think babies don't belong in the world or are unnatural for marriages, and people who don't use FAM/NFP almost certainly aren't making that choice because they think it's gross.


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## junie (Jan 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
People have lots of reasons for both not inviting children AND not using FAM/NFP. In fact, people who don't invite children almost certainly aren't making that choice because they think babies don't belong in the world or are unnatural for marriages, and people who don't use FAM/NFP almost certainly aren't making that choice because they think it's gross.

Okay, kind of off topic, but what is FAM/NFP?


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## rhiandmoi (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
While I agree that a wedding is an event that the hosts can choose whom to invite, and that may or may not include children, a *funeral* is different.

I feel it is highly unfair to exclude children. It is like saying that their grief is less real or important than our adult grief. Though a childs grief may be harder to see, and the child may not have come to understand what is going on, they also need the oportunity to say goodbye to Grandma or Aunt Jane or whoever.

Funerals aren't some party that one hosts for enjoyment. One doesn't get to pick and choose who cared the most about the dearly departed and invite those people. Invitations aren't sent out for funerals, they are simply anounced. There is a noticed put into the paper, you call all the relatives who in turn pass it along to whom ever they choose.

From my POV the funeral is the religious service where prayers for the departed are said and funeral rituals are performed. It isn't the same as the wake or viewing. I'm not saying that children don't grieve or shouldn't be part of the remembrances or saying good bye. IMO they don't belong at the ceremony, they should go to the other events.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I think no children weddings are uptight. Yes, people are allowed to do whatever they want to do, and I am allowed to think that they are being uptight.

Dh and I went to a no children wedding when my kids were small (not babies, but young toddlers) and the only reason I agreed was because the wedding was literally down the street from my inlaws' house where they were watching the kids. The only thing I found irritating was the groom going around crowing about how obviously the reason the party was so fun was that there were no kids.

Anyhow, to the OP, I'd ask your cousin if you can bring your baby. (No baby at a BBQ? That just sounds ridiculous.) If she says no, then I wouldn't go. I'd be happy to sit outside during the ceremony if that's what she is worried about.

My SIL, who has one 6yo, is having her 40th birthday party soon. It's being held from 4-9pm, at my inlaws' house, a place where the kids play all the time, and in fact even have their own playroom. It's an outdoor luau theme. My MIL wants to make it no kids so that "SIL can relax." We are very much expected to be there, but I not only do I have no idea who can watch my kids (all the family will be at the party), but my kids' feelings are so hurt that they aren't invited to their Aunt's birthday party!


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *betsyj* 
Oh dear. Really? I find this attitude upsetting because it suggests your kids are more important somehow then the bride. And to you of course they are-but a wedding is about the bride, not about your kids, and she gets to choose who she wants to come to her wedding.

The wedding is about the bride? Uh oh, I forgot to tell my husband this when we were getting married.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
The wedding is about the bride? Uh oh, I forgot to tell my husband this when we were getting married.


I'm pretty sure she didn't mean that the groom was unimportant, just that generally the wedding itself, not the vows but the day in general, are usually more important to the bride.


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

Double post!


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennybear* 
People have shared 1001 reasons why they may not have invited kids.

On top of those very good reasons, I offer another: some people DON'T LIKE KIDS. Really. I know it's hard for mothers to believe, but it's true.

If I didn't like children, why on earth would I include them in a party celebrating my marriage?

I'm not saying that's the deal with the cousin, but it's a possibility.


Yeah, I agree. I love my DS, but I understand why some choose to have childfree weddings.

A girlfriend of mine? Her vows in their wedding video are drowned out by a screaming child. The parent didn't have the decency to take the child out, and that is the only thing my friend can remember about her vows.

And really, at the end of the day, they are the HOSTS. Just like you wouldn't want someone uninvited in your house, no matter what the other guests thing, you should respect their decision.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Princessyoga* 
the wedding was a couple days before my due date (the date was picked after my due date was announced). It was a family member and in town. DH and I decided not to attend because I would either be too uncomfortable (Weddings here last over 12 hours) and was afraid of going in to labour at the wedding.

They were hurt and there was bit of pressure when we didn't go. In the end the baby was 2 weeks late.

It was in the same town where you live? I don't understand why you didn't just go for the ceremony and a bit of the reception, til you got tired and left. I would have been really hurt if a friend or relative didn't come when they were in the same town. If you were actually IN labor, I would understand, but you weren't. Given that the baby was two weeks late, do you wish you'd gone to the wedding?


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## lily88 (Jan 21, 2007)

I haven't read all the replies, but did read the groom's response to OP (yikes). In my experience, weddings can sometimes make the bride & groom so self-absorbed that they sort of lose touch with reality, i.e. when I was 5 months preggo and at the weekend wedding of a dear friend and was asked to help move stones to make a blessing circle







:. I politely declined.

We specifically invited children to our wedding b/c we wanted that energy and it was an informal affair. However, I completely understand people not wanting young children at their weddings. Babies are another matter entirely. I made the mistake, when dd was 6 mo, of accepting an invitation to a no-kids wedding (the bride's mother thought we would have "more fun" w/o the baby) and leaving dd with a sitter I didn't feel entirely comfortable with (a nearby relative who had been itching to babysit and finally had dd "all to herself"). Long story short, I also didn't bring my hand pump and ended up miserable 1.5 hours into the wedding with engorged breasts. Dh and I ended up leaving before the reception b/c I called the sitter and heard dd wailing in the background & she said dd wasn't taking a bottle of b/m from her. . .None of our friends at the wedding had kids at the time so everyone thought we were weird to skip out early when we could have been getting some kid-free time. What I wish I had done in retrospect:
1. Try to explain to them that a baby in a sling, nursing & sleeping most of the time wouldn't have been a problem, and if she did get loud, that I would deal with the situation, or
2. Get my out-of-town mom (who is a sitter that I do feel comfortable with) to come up for the weekend and be a kind of remote floating babysitter--walking with dd around the wedding site and able to bring her to me whenever she needed
Afterward, the bride said that she kind of wished that we had been able to bring her. . .whatever. Anyway, we learned from that experience.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten* 
It was in the same town where you live? I don't understand why you didn't just go for the ceremony and a bit of the reception, til you got tired and left. I would have been really hurt if a friend or relative didn't come when they were in the same town. If you were actually IN labor, I would understand, but you weren't. Given that the baby was two weeks late, do you wish you'd gone to the wedding?

This is what I hate about weddings. They seem to bring this out in people. If someone doesn't think they'll be comfortable attending an event in late pregnancy, why be "really hurt" over it? Some people are more comfortable than others, yk? I'd have happily attended a wedding _in labour_ with ds2...right up to the end of my pregnancy with ds1 (harder labour initially than with ds2)...and would probably be reluctant _now_, at "only" 7 months and a bit. Why get upset if a friend or relative doesn't want to martyr themselves to attend your wedding? I just don't get it.


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## BellaClaudia (Aug 1, 2008)

We kindly decline invitations to events without children.
If someone is inviting us, first thing we state that
it is one for all all for one deal.. so it is either all of us
or none.

it is up to them to decide how badly they want us.

no event is worth to go without.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellaClaudia* 
We kindly decline invitations to events without children.
If someone is inviting us, first thing we state that
it is one for all all for one deal.. so it is either all of us
or none.

it is up to them to decide how badly they want us.

no event is worth to go without.

Do you mean if you and your DH are invited to an event, but the kids aren't, you'll decline? Or do you also decline invitations to things like women-only baby showers or going out to get a coffee with a girlfriend?

I'm just curious because I used to know someone in the latter category, and I guess it worked for her but I could just never live that way -- I had wonderful one-on-one relationships with other people before I married and had kids, and it's so important to me to continue nurturing those relationships now that I'm a wife and mother. I would be very sad if a close friend or family member refused to see me without her husband and kids present.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennybear* 
People have shared 1001 reasons why they may not have invited kids.

On top of those very good reasons, I offer another: *some people DON'T LIKE KIDS. Really.* I know it's hard for mothers to believe, but it's true.

If I didn't like children, why on earth would I include them in a party celebrating my marriage?

I'm not saying that's the deal with the cousin, but it's a possibility.

How can someone dislike a whole group of people??? There are certain kids I don't care for, same as adults. But to say one doesn't like "children" is close-minded. It's like saying I don't like short/black/fat/Christian/red headed people.

Ick - I don't think I'd want to be involved with someone who made such sweeping generalizations.


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