# What to say instead of Good Job, Use your Words, Good Sharing...whatever!!



## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

Really am not a "good job" person so don't say it but also feel really fake saying "good sharing" or "use your words" I guess I try to be specific but it just feels so artificial! But especially now with tantrums trying to get her to verbalize would help just don't want to become a cliche machine! So what DO you say? I know there are theories about not praising your DC and all of that, but don't really want a debate about it here, just some natural sounding suggestions and ideas. Thanks!!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

We do use "use your words and signs" but other than that try to avoid most of those phrases. I often say thank you for ______ somehow it sounds more like what I would say to an adult, ya know?

-Angela


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

I don't have a problem with saying "use your words" I try to say thanks to show appreciation for good deeds and effort.Such as"thank you for sharing" and " thank you for trying to use words instead of whining, mommy really understands you better now"


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

Thank you (for answering my post so helpfully..) I guess thats mostly what I do I notice people look at me strangely like at Gymboree (or maybe I am just odd lol) of course right now if she actually does use her words without whining I may be rendered temporarily speechless!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

It's interesting that you brought this up tonight as SIL and BIL and kids were over tonight. She kept telling my dd she was a good girl. It really grated on me. We don't use that phrase. How do you explain to others who are around your child that you don't talk to them like they're pets?







:

-Angela


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

I agree that using words we would use with adults is a good test.

When Joey is whining I say "I can't understand you, please try again."

When he is helpful I say "I really appreciate how cooperative you are being, it makes things so much easier for us."

I also use a great deal of humor so when he is having a temper tantrum I say "Look out, Joey's going to blow!" and most time's he let's go of it. With Zach, we all say "Oh, it is so hard to be a baby when no one understands you." That helps us remember to be very patient with him.

Another way to avoid all the cliches is to watch if you are talking too much. Sometimes we don't need to say anything- hugs or smiles for cooperation, distraction for behaviors we don't want work wonders.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

The first time I heard a parent tell a child to "use your words" I thought he must be a child with special needs... I've worked with kids who are laboriously acquiring words one at a time, and it seemed like an appropriate thing to say in that type of situation, with a child who may only have 10 or 20 words to work with. Otherwise, not so much. I think I was more likely to say something like, "Tell me what's bothering you" or "What's going one?" or something...

I would say "Thanks for sharing" if my child shared with me, or just "Thanks". If she shared with someone else, especially someone she might not naturally think to share with (like a friend's sibling) I might say something later about how it was thoughtful of her to think of little brother, too, but I would probably just smile and not say anything at all...

Dar


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## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

I see nothing wrong with saying "use your words". To me, it's just another way of saying "tell me what's bothering you". What difference does it make how you phrase something that has the same meaning as long as it is said with respect?









I have been working hard at not over praising. I have gotten pretty good at simply observing things, rather than passing judgement. Instead of saying, "good job sharing your toys!" I now say something like, "I see you are giving sister a turn with the puzzle!"







with a smile in my voice. Or I'll observe, "You set the table all by yourself!"


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar*
The first time I heard a parent tell a child to "use your words" I thought he must be a child with special needs... I've worked with kids who are laboriously acquiring words one at a time, and it seemed like an appropriate thing to say in that type of situation, with a child who may only have 10 or 20 words to work with. Otherwise, not so much. I think I was more likely to say something like, "Tell me what's bothering you" or "What's going one?" or something...

This is a good point. My dd (with whom we currently use this phrase) is only 14 months. So she probably has about 10 words and 30 signs. It's still a new thing that she can communicate. The only time I've seen it useful with older kids is in the 3-4yr old crowd some kids go through a stage where they just whine/scream etc instead of asking for what they want.

-Angela


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

Thanks for the great replies! I think saying 'use your words' just does not feel comfortable to me, but it is good to have a consistent phrase as a reminder. DD is at an age that she does have a lot of words, and a lot of tantrums (!) she is 21 months today. Anyhow she has definitely started to whine I think I say try and tell me what you need more than anything, but its not working too well probably as she is still young and just gets overwhelmed with emotions, mostly I know what she wants and if I say the word she will say it then but when I don't have a clue what she wants she gets really frustrated! But she knows the word just won't or can't say it. The joys of toddlers!


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

I use: "I like it when you... I loved the way you... When you did ___, it was really cool!" etc.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

The other thing we do is explain and discuss the way we would with an adult. I think kids and even babies understand a lot more than we give them credit for. When my dd was little- like 3 months- she used to wake up SCREAMING if you weren't right there. One day my dh sat down and explained to her that we were always close by and could hear her if she woke up. That all she needed to say was "peep" and we'd come running. After that she'd wake up with a little sound and no more screaming.

-Angela


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

I say "use your words" and then voice her request with words and if she attempts to even if she is whining or still upset I let still respond to her request as though she weren't whining. I use good job sometimes when I sincerely feel she has done a good job and because it was something I remember in a positive way from my childhood. For things like bringing her plate to the table, picking up after herself, and using a manners I tell her "thank you for doing ___!"


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

I, too, hate saying "Please use your words." This has nothing to do with the phrase itself, just ways I've heard it used by very condescending people and I can't remove the association. So I say, "Let's talk about it." or "Can you tell me about it?"


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## **guest** (Jun 25, 2004)

i use 'use your words' when dd is screaming in frustration. i haven't really heard anyone else use it, so i don't have any negative connotations.

i do not use it as a conditional statement. i tell her that i am trying to understand her, and it would help me if she used her words, so i gently remind her, and try to ground her enough to focus and express herself so that i could understand. not because i would not help her if she still screams, i certainly would, if i knew what she wanted. when she makes herself understood i remind her that i could help her because she used the words, because this is what people understand most easily.

i do not feel great about the approach of helping a whining child only when the child stops whining. if i know what she wants, i give it to her (i don't meant to give in into anything, but if she wants an apple and whines instead of talking). i still giver her the apple, but tell her that i prefer she used her words rather than whined.

mind you, she practically never whines, so maybe i am not as emotionally involved in the whining issues. :LOL


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## fly-mom (May 23, 2005)

For some reason I am not crazy about the phrase, "Use your words" either. I'm not sure why. I think maybe because my dd (2.5) really tries to "use her words", but sometimes they just fail her, or a whining fit has taken over the speech region of her brain LOL! I sometime will say something like, "I don't understand what you're telling me. Slow down, explain it better." She seems to understand this. Sometimes I'll say, "Show me what you're talking about", and get her to point. Sometimes asking leading questions, expecting more than a yes or no answer can help her calm down and get her whining lobe under control. I think it reassures her that I really am trying to understand what she's trying to tell me.

As for "good job", sometimes I say it and sometimes I say something else, or nothing at all. I can understand AKs point about not wanting kids to be dependant on praise, but I HATE feeling like I have to censor myself every time dd does something I think is impressive. I don't think I use it excessively (even before I read the book) like his example in the book, "Good drooling!", and often I will say something about what she did "Look how far the ball went." or "Does he have shoes on?" (about a drawing she did) rather than "Good throw" or "Good drawing". If I ask her to do something and she does it I just say "Thank You!" rather than "good job".


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

_As for "good job", sometimes I say it and sometimes I say something else, or nothing at all. I can understand AKs point about not wanting kids to be dependant on praise, but I HATE feeling like I have to censor myself every time dd does something I think is impressive. I don't think I use it excessively (even before I read the book) like his example in the book, "Good drooling!", and often I will say something about what she did "Look how far the ball went." or "Does he have shoes on?" (about a drawing she did) rather than "Good throw" or "Good drawing". If I ask her to do something and she does it I just say "Thank You!" rather than "good job"._

I totally agree and I'm kind of the same. I haven't read his book yet (or the thread), just some articles by him, but I have no problem with occasionally praising when it was something that was indeed tough for him and I'm proud. I don't think the answer to too much praise is very little praise. How 'bout just genuine praise? I often find myself saying "You did it!" which I hear him echoing, and maybe I overuse it unconsciously, but I like it. I say "thank you" a lot, and I also just observe what he has done sometimes with the pride or happiness evident in my tone. I try and avoid 'good boy' but it has slipped out at times (gag).
I've honestly never heard anyone use "use your words." I like it if said supportively, I think. Although I can see how it would be frustrating if the kid is just frustrated and isn't going to suddenly find his eloquent phrases.


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## saritabeth (Jun 25, 2004)

I think I use lots of 'phrases' to encourage dd to verbalize. She has a lot of words but isn't quite there...frustrating for her and me! I will ask her something like....do you want up? She will nod yes and I will say....can you say "up mama"? and she will usually try "pup". ...

that's one of my ways of helping her remember the words she knows.


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## lenore80 (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nonconformnmom*
I have gotten pretty good at simply observing things, rather than passing judgement. Instead of saying, "good job sharing your toys!" I now say something like, "I see you are giving sister a turn with the puzzle!"







with a smile in my voice. Or I'll observe, "You set the table all by yourself!"









According to one of my child development classes, your approach is right on!







I had a class specifically spend a chunk of time covering this topic. You are supposed to state the obvious to the child INSTEAD of using praise. "I see you used lots of blue in your drawing" instead of "What a nice picture!". The theory is that children become addicted to praise...and stating the obvious encourages them to do their own work for their own satisfaction, not to just for praise.

Of course this is probably a lot harder with your own kids, everyday...and this is coming from someone with no kids yet.


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## timneh_mom (Jun 13, 2005)

My Ds is 11 months so not talking yet, but I tell him "thank you, that helps Mama" or "Yay! You did it!" or "thank you for sharing your food with me" (he tries to feed me his food all the time) or "thank you" when he gives me a toy or when he tries to give another child a toy. I occasionally say "good job" but to me that sounds kinda silly so I don't say it much.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nonconformnmom*
I see nothing wrong with saying "use your words". To me, it's just another way of saying "tell me what's bothering you". What difference does it make how you phrase something that has the same meaning as long as it is said with respect?










When I worked as a daycare teacher, "use your words" was used in a similar context. I never used it myself, but the other teachers would say it to a child who was angry and hitting, biting, or scratching another child to remind them to say how they were feeling instead of becoming violent.

~Nay


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## mike (Sep 5, 2005)

Tell them exactly what it is you like about what there doing good job is not fully understood but luckally neather is sarcasime so dont wory about it.


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

I find "thank you" to be highly appropriate in many situations, whether it's something DD has done voluntarily (such as take a dish to the kitchen) or in response to my request (such as bring me something I've asked for.) I also let her know when she's being helpful or unhelpful, and what exactly she did that was helpful.

I also say "no" and "don't do that" way too much, but do try to give reasons. And I use "use your words" frequently, because DD is exactly as Dar described, she's got about 20 words and signs. But also, when she seems stuck on a word, I try to get her to move past it. So we wind up with conversations like:

DD: "More!"
Me: "More what?"
DD" "More!"
Me: "I don't know what you want more of."
DD: "More!"
I suggest whatever she was just doing, such as nursing: "Do you want to nurse more?"
DD: "No! More!"
Me: Can you show me what you want more of?
DD (nods her head)
DD leads me to the kitchen, points to the freezer. "More!"
Me: What do you want from the freezer? Broccoli?
DD: No!

The problem will be, she wants ice cream, and whether she's already had some that evening, or not in three days, it's usually at a time when the answer is "no". Tantrum ensues if I say no, and tantrum often ensues long before then because I don't grok quickly enough exactly what it is that she wants.

So we're working on her speech, and "use your words" comes in when she starts getting frustrated or mad.


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## provocativa (Jan 17, 2005)

My dd is 29 months old. Lately, when she starts a minor tantrum- like over a denied cookie request, before she gets to wound up, I remind her that fussing is not the way to get what she wants, first ask please and say it's important. . . . I don't always make her mimic me, (after all she's not a monkey) but if she slows or stops the tantrum, I offer my alternative 'yes' such as 'we can split a cookie' (she gets a very small 'half' or 'after lunch'. She is quickly learning to reel her emotions in a little to get what she wants, but only if other positive factors are in play, like her blood sugar is good and she's had enough attention.
As for the good job thing, I'm coaching myself to turn moments of reflexive, automatic praise into a teaching moment or 2. I want to say 'good job' like a stepford somebody. . . but I scan my brain. . . You put the whole puzzle together- how many pieces, lets count them. I name the colors in scribbles, describe gymnasitc feats. She is in the middle of another toddler 'verbal explosion' and it is awesome how fast they learn!
I haven't made my mind up about 'use your words'. I say it sometimes and it helps to remind her, but sometimes when I say it it feels too condescending.


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## Maple Leaf Mama (Jul 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ravin*
I find "thank you" to be highly appropriate in many situations, whether it's something DD has done voluntarily (such as take a dish to the kitchen) or in response to my request (such as bring me something I've asked for.) I also let her know when she's being helpful or unhelpful, and what exactly she did that was helpful.

I also say "no" and "don't do that" way too much, but do try to give reasons. And I use "use your words" frequently, because DD is exactly as Dar described, she's got about 20 words and signs. But also, when she seems stuck on a word, I try to get her to move past it. So we wind up with conversations like:

DD: "More!"
Me: "More what?"
DD" "More!"
Me: "I don't know what you want more of."
DD: "More!"
I suggest whatever she was just doing, such as nursing: "Do you want to nurse more?"
DD: "No! More!"
Me: Can you show me what you want more of?
DD (nods her head)
DD leads me to the kitchen, points to the freezer. "More!"
Me: What do you want from the freezer? Broccoli?
DD: No!

The problem will be, she wants ice cream, and whether she's already had some that evening, or not in three days, it's usually at a time when the answer is "no". Tantrum ensues if I say no, and tantrum often ensues long before then because I don't grok quickly enough exactly what it is that she wants.

So we're working on her speech, and "use your words" comes in when she starts getting frustrated or mad.

Have you been living in my house and I just didn't know it?? We have MAAAANY conversations like that! LOL


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