# People who have never had a loss (vent)



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

ok, I'm just feeling a bit annoyed. The anniversary of my due date just passed. I was talking to my friend about how down I had been feeling about it. Anyway, we ended up talking about what happened physically when I lost the baby. And she says "I didn't know it was like that" and apologizes for I don't know what. I guess what she privately thought.

Long story short I am getting annoyed at the contest that seems to happen. It is almost as if we as women have bought into the idea that if we carried the child longer that our pain is greater. And it's really PISSING ME OFF!!! One person says my loss occured in the 7th weeks and another says mine occured in the 12 week. Sharing information fine, but I sometimes feel the judgment behind the discussion. That my pain is greater than yours. No matter what we all lost a child that should have been born. We all have a hole in our lives because of it.

Does my loss mean more because I didn't have a D and C? If my baby had just slipped from my body with no pain, or menstral like cramps does that means I grieve less? And if I had what amounted to labor does that give me more right to grieve?

I honestly don't understand these women who have never suffered a loss. They obviously have no idea what to say. I sometimes just wish they would accept that it SUCKS! period. I'm tired of being compared to someone else.

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

No, thank you for venting!

I remember in my support group there was some of that. It always hurt me. Loosing a child hurts. No woman's pain is greater than anothers, nor should it be compaired.

My baby (my first) was born still at 38 weeks and I remember another womans was born at 42 (her secound). She actually told me her pain was greater because the baby was bigger, she carreid it longer and she has an existing child at home!

This hurt me so deeply. I would have given ANYTHING to have a child at home. Or to have more pregnancy memories.

When I miscarried between the two I have at home, people were again very insensative. Nobody cared that a baby had died - I just got comments on how I should be greatfull that I had one living - Like I wasn't greatful?

I think it's important for you to let people know that this loss was real. A real baby died - one that was wanted and dreamed for. This loss ment something.

Arduinna, I am truly sorry for the loss of your child. Your a beautiful person and your child would have benefited greatly from the love you have to give. Your baby knows that deep love as she felt it when you conceived and carried her.

What kind of things did you do to remember your child on the anniversary? We always light a candle and put together a small alter with fresh flowers - white tulips. We take the day for quiet reflection.

I wish you gentleness and peace as you travel down this path of greif.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Thank you so much ((hugs))

You know it's funny. I never think of (and can't remember easily) my exact due date. I was planning on just taking a "baby will come when it's ready" attitude so I didn't give out a due date and tried not to focus on it. I was 4 weeks late with dd and got so tired of the "is it time yet" comments that I was determined not to go through that again. So now my "due date anniversary" is taken up by a period of time when it could have come. LOL. Maybe I should have stuck to a date.

This year on the Solstice I wrote a letter to the baby and burned it in our fire. It felt good, and brought a little more acceptance.

I really appreciate all your support and all of the ladies here.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

For some reason people always seem to want to have the greater pain. I don't understand it at all.

My neice was born still over a year ago and when she would try and talk to her mom about it her mom about it saying things like "well I have been crying all day I am really missing her today"

her mom would say something like "well I have been crying all week"

I just don't understand why someone has to have the copyright on pain. everyone may feel losses in different ways but to triavilize another's pain is really self involved and I would really avoid that person.

Ms Mom I can't believe that woman said such a thing. I agree I would think you would get through it better with a child at home since you can't lay around crying and feeling sad you actually HAVE to take care of your child.

On my neice's birthday we sent some rose bushes and gave them some space.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

So true, Thank you.

And sorry I didn't mention it in my previous post, but I can't believe that woman said that either Ms Mom. I truly do not understand some people.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

My 1st son was born at 24wks gestation and lived for 38 days. Right after he died I attended a support group for people who had lost children. Everyone else's child had been 1 or older. Whenever I would speak, everyone would look blankly at me and than say nothing. It hurt very much that they had sympathy for each other, but not for me.

(((((Hugs to everyone)))))


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Wow..I cannot believe women would even hesitate...that is just awful


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

My sympathies to you all, it must be absolutely devestating, no matter how far along you are.

I have kind of a different issue:

My best friend has lost four babies in the past 7 years, the last 2 were last September, and last February. She lost them all early, and she never told her dh about at least the last 2. She told me in October and June, and refused any sympathy, even though I know she's bothered. She says that if they are meant to be, she will carry to term. I think she is being way too stoic about it, and because no one can do anything about it, she doesn't tell anyone (her words, not mine).

What am I supposed to do? She won't even let me hug her, which is my first reaction! BTW, she has four kids already, but I'm not convinced she wants to be done.

Sorry for hijacking.


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