# Please, I'm in DESPERATE need of help!



## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Please, please don't judge me too harshly. I know I'm not the only one to deal with this. It is hard for me to admit this, but I need to. I hit my child...all the time. I've had this problem since he was born and he's three now. It's slowly gotten worse. I hit him for anything. My fuse is so short. I've hit him just for not understanding me, and his temper is worse. If I'm not doing that, I'm screaming at him... It's not often that I'm not mad about something. I even hit my husband sometimes, but that's a lot more rare than this. I'm so scared that my son is going to remember what I'm doing to him. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again because of this. I need help, but I'm afraid my son will get taken from me if I get professional help. I love my son... I just have no control over my anger. My husband knows I've had this struggle, but I just recently explained just how bad it really is and he is backing me 100%. He tries to tell me to calm down, and then I just get mad at him for telling me to calm down. I won't go into detail, just know I physically hurt my son and I know how wrong it is. I've been on the verge of tears for the last two days because I'm getting absolutely sick of hitting him. I always say I'm not going to do it anymore, but when I get angry, that takes full control of me. Anyone who has been through this, and learned to change, please give me advice! How do I do this?? I feel like a terrible mother...so terrible. I don't want him taken away from me. Please, please help me... Please. I'm desperate.  Please no negative comments, I'm really in need of a friend that has been through this.


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

There is a confidential hotline at 1-800-422-4453:

https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

You can talk to a hotline counselor and you will not have to be concerned about having your son taken from you.

Also, you could talk to your doctor about your anger control problems in general or perhaps in reference to hurting your husband. So you could seek professional help without revealing something that might lead to your child being taken away.

See this discussion of the parent-child coercive cycle: "...studies of interactions between parents and their children for over 30 years have demonstrated a surprising pattern of interaction between parent and child that invariably results in worsening behavior in children and loss of control in parents"

http://www.pendletonpsych.com/doc/parent-child-coercive-cycle.pdf

They make recommendations on how to break this cycle, but you seem to need additional personal help with anger control.

You could seek help from a psychologist (perhaps get a referral from your doctor) simply because you are having problems with disciplining your child. You could get parent training this way. This would not lead to your child being taken away.

There are also parent management training courses in some locations particularly in high population areas. Search "parent management training" or "incredible years" and add your local town or city to the search to see if you can find a course. This search may also turn up psychologists that specialize in parent management training.


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## Snydley (Feb 22, 2012)

Hi-
My suggestion is to seek help for anger management specifically. Rage, loss of control..it's far more common than you think. Adults with this problem often had a parent/caregiver who acted this way towards them when they were young. Young children can bring out the worst in parents because they can be so defiant and chaotic so it's not surprising your son is the main recipient of your anger.

I would call your health insurance and say you need to see a psychologist who specializes in anger management and they should be able to help you. If not, perform some google searches therapists with anger and related keywords and see if any websites for therapists in your area come up. My opinion is to not waste your time with parenting classes, treat the root of the problem. Maybe you can find an anger workshop- those are supposed to be very helpful.

As far as being worried they will take your son away, I don't see any reason to mention him really. You've displayed anger/rage toward your husband? Talk about those instances.

Also, in the short term you might want to read a book about anger management. I've had great success dealing with my own/family issues from self help books. Go to amazon.com and search 'anger self-help' or something and see what you find. The reviews are always helpful on that site.

Hugs to you mama. You've taken a huge step just by posting your message.


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Honestly, if this is an ongoing every day problem, he WILL remember and it will affect him deeply. 

I totally (of course!) understand not wanting your child to be taken away. So perhaps you could somehow arrange for him to be away with someone living while you get intensive help? Could your husband stay home, could he stay with a close friend or relative, go to daycare or preschool to reduce his one time with you? 

If not, can you plan to spend most of your time in public or with others? 

I think it's really important to stop the hurting immediately, so try to think of situations where your son can be safe. 

In the meanwhile, if you're not in counseling already you really need to be. I'm guessing anger management will be a part of this. Perhaps learning meditation/mindfulness could help, too?

FWIW, I also struggle with anger at my DD, and "snapping." It's very much stress related for me, and the real cause is often displaced. Her baby sister is fussy, I snap at my older daughter for picking her nails. So Try to find the real cause of your anger/stress and deal with that.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Thank you guys... I'm going to look into anger self-help books first, then if that doesn't help, I'll look into a psychologist... I'm afraid to talk to them though. I don't have anyone who can take mymy son for a while but my husband is home with me except for 6-7 hours out of the day. The way I keep him content so I don't get angry, is a lot of days I just let him watch PBS all day. I used to have a problem with him watching all day. It's better than me getting angry with him though. Thanks for the advice guys...


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

You are going to need an alternative approach to parenting, something to substitute for your old ways. I suggest this:

"The best way to eliminate an unwanted behavior is to build a strong alternative behavior in its place, what's called the positive opposite of the unwanted behavior."

http://alankazdin.com/the-kazdin-me...with-no-pills-no-therapy-no-contest-of-wills/


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Thank you. Yes, I'm trying to do that. Today has actually been really good. It's been a calming day today. We've gotten along so well. I hope it can last. I really, really do. There was at least once today that he got a little annoying, but I really was able to think about it, and I raised my voice, but only a little. It wasn't a real yell. It was just a little raise of the voice. I am very happy with today and I feel good. I'm so glad I was able to get my post out to you guys, even though I was really scared to do so.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Please get immediate help for yourself. Parenting strategy books are not likely to do it for you if the rage you have even if he gets a little bit annoying is that strong. Letting a child watch PBS is not going to work as a solution.

There is a huge amount of research about brain development and trauma for young kids and the effects of living in this kind of household. Chances are you were raised in a home like this yourself and therefore it comes more naturally to you to treat your own child this way. It is unlikely to just get better without therapy, and given the situation I think this is an urgent priority for you. 

PLease get help to figure out what is at the root of your treatment of him.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

If your anger was only affecting you and only occasional, I'd be all on board with the self help books plan, but I think you need to sit down and seriously consider whether that plan is safe for your family - is there a backstop that prevents injury to your partner and child? 

You don't say what it means when your son gets annoying, but here is the thing: he's three. He cannot help but be annoying, and he still needs to be safe. You also don't say what it means when you hurt people. I respect that you don't want to feel worse, but I worry that you are preventing acknowledgement of the seriousness of your situation. You describe yourself as experiencing uncontrollable anger that leads you to abuse your spouse and child. Have you considered checking yourself into the ER next time you feel that way? It's drastic, but so is your situation. 

I would encourage you to pull out the stops for this the way you would for an illness - you are suffering from a serious health condition, and you need help and resources to treat it. Can your son go to pre-school, or daycare or day camp while your partner is working? How can you get an appointment and evaluation with a psychiatrist as quickly as possible? Can you talk to a doctor about how to approach your treatment, and whether your partner can take FMLA leave to facilitate that?


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Yes, I agree with the PP. I tiptoed a little bit in my initial response not wanting to make you feel bad (because I'm sure you already feel bad enough). Sometimes we need people to be straight with us, and i think this is one of those times. 

Your priority is to protect your son from harm. That is your job as his mother. Would you leave him with anyone else who treats him the way you do? If the answer is "no," then you shouldn't be alone with him right now either. You are not a bad mom for having anger problems that you can't control. But you can be a great mom by making absolutely sure that you never hurt your son again. Unfortunately, you can't just resolve not to do it. If that worked, you would have stopped a long time ago. I can't even go two days in a row without eating candy, even when I'm really trying. Impulses are powerful. You may be able to control yourself for a few hours or days, but if you don't deal with the underlying issues, the rage will come back. You need to get real, intensive help from professionals. And in the meantime you need to keep your son safe. 

Hugs. This is hard.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Thank you guys. Some of you are a little harsh, but I understand it is completely necessary. No, I would never leave him with someone else who would hurt him. I want him in safe environment, which is exactly why I'm here...so I can be that safe environment. You all are being so helpful, and being a lot nicer the I thought you all would be, considering the topic. Thank you all so much.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

PLeasehelp I may have worded my post too strongly and I'm sorry, but I am just worried for you and your son during the time you take to read the books. Doing Parent Management training is a great road to take when you are able to regulate your own emotions so I applaud Muddie for recommending it, but it does take a lot of discipline and I think you need to address your inside feelings first.

In trauma work we talk about the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain. The upstairs brain is the logical, linear one. THe downstairs brain is the 'reptile', react and think later part of the brain. Anger and deep frustration are coming from your downstairs brain. Dan Siegel does address this in his books, and there is also a great one called How to be A Good Parent when you DIdn't have one Yourself (link coming).

HOwever there is NO SUBSTITUTE for good supportive therapy because it also helps you be more accountable, to set small measurable goals to get your anger under control and begin to regulate your emotions more successfully.

I APPLAUD YOU for seeking help here and elsewhere. THat is the thing I didn't say earlier. But please also know that this isn't going to go away from his memory just because he is little. See Bruce Perry's excellent and readable work on child trauma. Link coming.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

http://childtrauma.org/cta-library/trauma-ptsd/

chock full of info on the impact of our anger, abuse and rage on the developing child's brain development, emotions, self esteem

Whole Parent: How to BEcome Terrific Parent when you didn't have one
http://smile.amazon.com/Whole-Parent-Become-Terrific-Didnt/dp/0738208760/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433629656&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+be+a+good+parent+when+you+didn%27t+have+one

Parenting from the Inside Out
http://smile.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-10th-Anniversary-Self-Understanding/dp/039916510X/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1433629685&sr=8-7&keywords=dan+siegel


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Lauren, thank you. Do not feel the need to apologize. I need to hear exactly what you guys are saying. Today was a little rougher, but still better than other days. I'm looking into one on one anger management classes in the area. My biggest problem with this, is I don't know how to talk to strangers. I don't know how to let things go to someone I don't know. I don't know how people do it. I KNOW it needs to be done... That step is going to be just as hard.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

I am terrified of him possibly remembering. My husband was sexually abused by his father as a toddler, and doesn't remember anything before the age of four. I'm trying to get help, and hoping my son doesn't remember what's happening now as well. (Oh, and just so everyone knows, since I've never said anything about it, one thing I have never done is sexually abuse my son).


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

It's quite possible that your husband has blocked his early memories to some extent because of trauma at an early age, and also possible that what he remembers now is very different than what he remembered when he was five. 

Your son remembers, day to day, what happens to him. He remembers that now. There's no saying what he'll recall about his childhood when he's thirty, but when he wakes up in the morning tomorrow, he remembers what happened yesterday.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

OK, it is important for you not to think of this is a typical "remembering." The trauma theorists know for CERTAIN now that the brain remembers--it is a different part of the brain that remembers, lower down where emotion is stored, in a brain section called the amygdala. It remembers. Theorists say "the body keeps the score" for childhood trauma.

Abuse and neglect changes the brain structure, the brain development, and affects the child's immune system and many other systems of the body. It is not just the physical pain of the hitting, it is the out of control mommy that is just as traumatic. In attachment, the child needs to feel safe and secure in the relationship and in all ways in order to feel close and attached, and to grow and develop properly.

Please read this, about what abuse does physically to the body systems of a child, and try not to think of this as 'remembering' in the cognitive part of the brain (the upstairs brain). Trauma has nothing to do with that part of the brain. It is the sensations and the fear that will be remembered, and that is for certain, not even in question.

Please click on this link: http://www.asca.org.au/About/Resources/Impact-on-the-physiology-of-the-brain.aspx

High stress parenting even affects the genetic expression of the child after he is born. Certain genes that could have led to a calmer child WILL NOT be expressed due to lack of nurturing. I can give you a place to read more about this if you'd like. So this is physiological, not just psychological.


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## snowhaven (Aug 28, 2012)

Hello, Along with the other suggestions I would find a practitioner that specializes in alternative medicine, functional medicine, natural medicine, homeopathy, whatever you want to call it, that will do a completed hormone panel. If your hormones are out of whack then that can cause a tremendous amount of emotional, physical and mental issues, with anger being right up there. It is absolutely amazing how our hormones can affect us. You will find that practitioners that deal with the more natural alternatives are much more aware of treating the whole body and will look for the underlying causes instead of giving you pharmaceuticals to treat the symptoms. In my experience they are also much more understanding and not so narrow sighted.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Thank you Lauren, I understand now. I'm really trying to control this. I really don't want him traumatized. Right now he seems to be fine. He's always as happy a little while later as he was before the incident. I immediately feel bad and apologize and tell him I love him and hold him for a while, then he's completely fine after about an hour and is as happy as can be. This is the one thing that gives me hope that I can fix it before it's too late and leaves him scarred. I've got a lot to do to get better, but I've never gone to anyone about this before my husband. Having a support system from you guys, already seems to affect me differently. I've constantly got this on my mind, so lately when I get angry, I have a chance to stop and think instead of just doing. I've never been able to control my anger, but then I also have never had anyone to talk to about it before now.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Pleasehelp, I need to be harsh. You're hurting your son. He already has scars. You're describing the incident and honeymoon phases of an abuse cycle. He's three, he does not have the skills to explain complex emotional states, but he has probably also learned what behaviour of his is likely to be rewarded (with praise, attention, decrease of tension in surroundings). When you hurt people repeatedly, one of the costs of that is frequently that you lose genuine communication with them. You no longer get real information, because they're protecting themselves. A three year-old can't explain that, but he can certainly do it.

You need help on an emergency basis because you are harming the people around you. I am not saying this to make you feel worse, I'm bringing it up because harm is a diagnostic criteria for mental illness.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Thank you. I understand. I'm getting help.


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

Are you insured? Head straight to the psychologist and psychotherapist, and don't look back. Self-help books are one-size-fits-all and not a replacement. Don't be intimidated by counseling, either. I love having a heart-to-heart with a non-judgmental third party.  

Also, without knowing you or anything about you, I can already tell that you have some past baggage, and the only way to make the serious changes you are seeking is to work through this baggage with someone. 

Finally, do a web search for a crisis nursery in your area. These places are non-punitive and a godsend for parents in your situation. They're open around the clock, and your little guy can stay there and be safe until you get your head calm again.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Starting today, I will never lay so much as a finger on my son again out of anger. Regular spankings are going to stop and time out or taking away privileges is all I'm doing. I am trying this out first. It has seemed to work today. If he's really getting to me, I tell him to go somewhere else and I take a deep breath. I've never had control over my anger before talking to you guys. I've never tried as hard as I am now. Mostly because you guys made me so scared of him being traumatized... Which is a good thing. Thank you for scaring me. I wish I had come to you all sooner. After talking with you guys, I noticed how much he flinches at me... His own mother. That makes me sad. Today is the first day I've had a handle on my own anger. I promise, the first time I slip up, I'll go for help. I won't slip up this time though. I won't. This is a nightmare, and I'm going to wake up from it. I know you guys really want me to go see someone, but if I can fix this myself with the help of my husband who is now more aware than ever of the situation, than I won't need to. But I will if it happens one more time. I promise you guys, myself, and especially my son, I will never hurt him again. I promise. I will let you guys know in a few days how I'm doing.


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

PleaseHelp said:


> I promise, the first time I slip up, I'll go for help. I won't slip up this time though. I won't. This is a nightmare, and I'm going to wake up from it. I know you guys really want me to go see someone, but if I can fix this myself with the help of my husband who is now more aware than ever of the situation, than I won't need to. But I will if it happens one more time. I promise you guys, myself, and especially my son, I will never hurt him again. I promise.


While I think you are very brave for admitting you have this problem, I also think you are fooling yourself with this plan of inaction. Why the hell would you allow for the possibility of brutalizing your child even just one more time? The idea that you don't want your child to be taken away is so selfish. A child would be better off with a non-violent stranger than a violent parent. He has a right to live without fear.

If you love your son, you will drop what you are doing and not rest until you have arranged for a psychiatric evaluation for yourself and therapy for your son.

I will keep the little boy in my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

I don't think it's going to fail. I know myself better than you do. How do you know this simple thing right here, this talking to you guys, wasn't just enough? I've never ever talked to anyone about it. Who is to say that this isn't all I needed? Maybe it's not as bad as I thought it was. Today has been really good. I have been able to control it all day to the point where I haven't even yelled at him. I knew someone would think this plan was just stupid, but you know what? For the first time ever, it's actually worked. I've been completely conscious of my anger all day, and haven't done a thing to him except play with him, and we're headed to the park now... After his timeout which he is in for refusing to listen to me and being defiant. You know what sending him in the other room did for me? It calmed me down while he sits in time out for knowing that not listening was wrong. I could have gone the other route, but I didn't, and I won't. I believe I can actually do this whether you believe I can do it on my own or not...and let me tell you. Having him in time out feels so much better than hurting him, so why would I go back?


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## Bumbergirl (Jun 7, 2015)

*It's all in your mind*



PleaseHelp said:


> Please, please don't judge me too harshly. I know I'm not the only one to deal with this. It is hard for me to admit this, but I need to. I hurt my child...all the time. I've had this problem since he was born and he's three now. It's slowly gotten worse. I hurt him for anything. My fuse is so short. I've hurt him just for not understanding me, and his temper is worse. If I'm not doing that, I'm screaming at him... It's not often that I'm not mad about something. I even hurt my husband sometimes, but that's a lot more rare than this. My husband has never hurt me except when restraining me. I'm so scared that my son is going to remember what I'm doing to him. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again because of this. I need help, but I'm afraid my son will get taken from me if I get professional help... Or worse... He could get hurt worse than any other time. I love my son... I just have no control over my anger. My husband knows I've had this struggle, but I just recently explained just how bad it really is and he is backing me 100%. He tries to tell me to calm down, and then I just get mad at him for telling me to calm down. I won't go into detail, just know I physically hurt my son and I know how wrong it is. I've been on the verge of tears for the last two days because I'm getting absolutely sick of hurting him. I always say I'm not going to do it anymore, but when I get angry, that takes full control of me. Anyone who has been through this, and learned to change, please give me advice! How do I do this?? I feel like a terrible mother...so terrible. I don't want him taken away from me. Please, please help me... Please. I'm desperate.  Please no negative comments, I'm really in need of a friend that has been through this.


Most of our external problems are from within. It is because of this that you need learn to control your mind and your thinking. No amount of counseling or therapy will fix you. At the end of the day it all comes down to you, the individual... the Woman... the Mother.

I highly recommend meditation. If you don't want to meditate then begin with simple breath work throughout the day. Take 10 DEEP breaths (should take 1.5-2 minutes to do this) whenever you are feeling angry. Do this BEFORE you act on your anger and see how much it changes your mentality towards the situation.

Sending my prayers to you and your family....


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Thank you. While I appreciate the feedback from everyone, I really don't think a therapy session is going to work. I have a hard time opening up to strangers. I had counseling when I was a teenager and it didn't work. My sister has been in therapy for her anger for over two years, and she's out of control. She's almost 13 and is already a lot worse than I was at that age. I understand more than anything, that I have to be WILLING to learn. That is part of the reason why I think the last thing I posted will work. I have been completely in control of my own actions since I have made a complete willingness to change. I've done some deep breathing and it's really helping. Though it's only been one day, something has definitely changed. I need to work on not only controlling my anger, but also work on not getting angry so often. I understand all of this, which is exactly why I think this will work.


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## Lydia08 (Oct 10, 2008)

PleaseHelp said:


> Thank you. While I appreciate the feedback from everyone, I really don't think a therapy session is going to work. I have a hard time opening up to strangers. I had counseling when I was a teenager and it didn't work. My sister has been in therapy for her anger for over two years, and she's out of control. She's almost 13 and is already a lot worse than I was at that age. I understand more than anything, that I have to be WILLING to learn. That is part of the reason why I think the last thing I posted will work. I have been completely in control of my own actions since I have made a complete willingness to change. I've done some deep breathing and it's really helping. Though it's only been one day, something has definitely changed. I need to work on not only controlling my anger, but also work on not getting angry so often. I understand all of this, which is exactly why I think this will work.


I commend you for coming here and seeking help.

You have already received wonderful advice that I hope you will act upon, but until then, (as you seem determined to make improvements on your own) what are you doing to take care of yourself?
Are you eating well? Taking supplements? Getting adequate sleep? Those things also contribute GREATLY to mood. 
I have battled anger issues my whole life, and having kids made me realize I needed to change some things in my life or they were going to be hurt deeply. (my issue is yelling)

Obviously your child is one of your triggers, but try to identify other outside/environmental triggers too. Should you eliminate caffeine? (I had to) Sugar? (This too) Have you identified food allergies? (I have to stay away from gluten or I get so irritable)
I take lots of mood supporting supplements as well, like a high quality fish oil, B-complex, holy basil etc...
Make sure you are getting enough sleep too. 
I am concerned for your precious boy. I want to encourage you to read up on gentle discipline methods, it would help immensely for you to really understand your son and what his behavior is supposed to look like as a three year old. Go to the library and check this book out: http://www.amazon.com/Your-Three-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames/dp/0440506492/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1433707650&sr=8-1&keywords=your+three+year+old
If you can expect him to act like a three year old, then it might not annoy you so much!!

Praying for you, there will still be hard days! I'm so glad today is going well... but be prepared for the days that are coming when you will need to dig deep for strength and patience! :Hug


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Lydia08 said:


> PleaseHelp said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you. While I appreciate the feedback from everyone, I really don't think a therapy session is going to work. I have a hard time opening up to strangers. I had counseling when I was a teenager and it didn't work. My sister has been in therapy for her anger for over two years, and she's out of control. She's almost 13 and is already a lot worse than I was at that age. I understand more than anything, that I have to be WILLING to learn. That is part of the reason why I think the last thing I posted will work. I have been completely in control of my own actions since I have made a complete willingness to change. I've done some deep breathing and it's really helping. Though it's only been one day, something has definitely changed. I need to work on not only controlling my anger, but also work on not getting angry so often. I understand all of this, which is exactly why I think this will work.
> ...


Thank you for the very kind words. I don't eat enough. It's almost 5 pm and I've only had one sandwich and two granola bars. I don't take any supplements. I get around 7 hours of sleep a night. I don't drink soda at all or anything with caffeine much. Water is pretty much my only liquid. I just looked into alternate discipline methods today and have already talked to my husband about them. I need to look into vitamins that could help me. I haven't noticed any food allergies, but maybe I should cut out gluten for a while too. I never realized how much could affect me. It is definitely partially our living situation too that has me so irritable. We're trying to fix that. I'm thinking about starting a blog. A place to write down my progress and to be held accountable. If I have other people reading my struggles and my progress, I think it might be easier.


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## JustJenny (Nov 4, 2006)

@PleaseHelp - I just wanted to chime in and give you both a hug. I commend you for your new awareness and your willingness to learn new behaviors.

I also wanted to echo what Lydia has brought up. I'm a perfect example of a food allergen causing lifelong rage and depression. I could never figure out why I did what I did. After I dropped gluten 7 years ago the fog cleared and I am the person I always new I was. Food allergies can do crazy things to your mind. If you want to try a elimination diet start with the food you crave the most. That could be your first clue.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Wow, I had no idea gluten was that bad. I basically just eat sandwiches. I might have to cut those out. I don't know of much gluten free food I eat.


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

PleaseHelp said:


> Starting today, I will never lay so much as a finger on my son again out of anger. Regular spankings are going to stop and time out or taking away privileges is all I'm doing. I am trying this out first. It has seemed to work today. If he's really getting to me, I tell him to go somewhere else and I take a deep breath. I've never had control over my anger before talking to you guys. I've never tried as hard as I am now. Mostly because you guys made me so scared of him being traumatized... Which is a good thing. Thank you for scaring me. I wish I had come to you all sooner. After talking with you guys, I noticed how much he flinches at me... His own mother. That makes me sad. Today is the first day I've had a handle on my own anger. I promise, the first time I slip up, I'll go for help. I won't slip up this time though. I won't. This is a nightmare, and I'm going to wake up from it. I know you guys really want me to go see someone, but if I can fix this myself with the help of my husband who is now more aware than ever of the situation, than I won't need to. But I will if it happens one more time. I promise you guys, myself, and especially my son, I will never hurt him again. I promise. I will let you guys know in a few days how I'm doing.


Speaking as a social worker, I'm going to tell you why this strategy could backfire and get you in serious trouble.

When--not if, but when--somebody calls CPS on you, (neighbor, teacher, doctor, or even a friend or family member who suspects something is up)--you're going to need to prove that you're worthy of legally remaining his mother. _You need to be ready for this very, very likely scenario.

_ CPS workers are not going to care that you've vowed not to hit him again. They're going to want evidence, as in _documentation_, that you're working on improving your situation. If they see certificates from completed parenting classes and if you have a licensed therapist willing to verify that you're getting individual and even group therapy, you're going to have a much greater chance of keeping your son.

I don't want to alarm you and don't believe in fear-mongering. But I have to tell you _realistically_ how I've seen these things go down. You can try out a couple therapists for a good fit, but I wouldn't hop around too much. Also, do a search on Love and Logic or Active Parenting classes in your area, or call your pediatrician or local hospital for recommendations.

None of this is pleasant, but taking these important steps will prevent sooooooo much future heartbreak. You're in my thoughts and prayers. :hug


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

PleaseHelp said:


> Starting today, I will never lay so much as a finger on my son again out of anger. Regular spankings are going to stop and time out or taking away privileges is all I'm doing. I am trying this out first.


There are additional strategies other than time out and taking away privileges:

1. Catch him doing good. React to his cooperation with positive attention. If you encourage enough of it, the good can crowd out the bad.

2. Planned ignoring: https://www.nemours.org/content/dam...e/health/parenting/tips/13plannedignoring.pdf

This is a good summary of an overall approach:

http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/10-tips-parents-defiant-children/story?id=8549664

But, try rely on social rewards as much as possible. If you feel the need use tangible rewards, plan to fade them out and rely on social rewards after a few weeks. Even social rewards should not be constant after a good habit has formed.


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## muddie (Nov 10, 2014)

I think this is a good summary of anger control strategies:

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/controlling-anger.aspx


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

I still think professional help of some sort is probably a good option, Just based in the number of times I've made similar resolutions, succeeded for a while, and then the inevitable failure made everything worse. BUT. I have some tips as a mom who also struggled with anger.

1. Planned ignoring, as Muddie mentioned, has been a great strategy for me. It "works" on the child, but it also makes it so there is NO need to be involved in a heated situation. No escalation, no frayed nerves. If leads to clearer, more consistent, calmer mom.

2. There are days when I know I'm likely to snap. I can feel myself getting angry about things that don't deserve discipline. These are control issues. When you feel a storm brewing in you, have a strategy in place. For me this means getting out of the house and in a public place. Visiting friends would work, or having a "safe person" to call and vent to. You will have days when you feel out of control and it will help to know what to do in advance. 

3. identify your personal triggers, that may have nothing to do with your son. In my case it often revolves around having too much on my plate, feeling "behind" and out of control. What are yours? 

4. Read about peaceful parenting strategies over and over and over again to keep it in the forefront. Laura Markham is wonderful for this. 

Good luck.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Why would anyone call CPS? No one has ever suspected anything. It's not like he's ever had bruises. When I've lashed out, it wasn't that hard. Any marks were gone within the hour. It was hardly anything. It was just enough that I needed to tell someone. I think you guys are thinking this situation was worse than it really was. It's definitely more mild than you guys seem to be making it. My son is completely fine. He's a happy toddler. Always laughing and playing and smiling with no marks on his body and for the last two days, I've haven't taken any anger out on him. Not even yelling. I take a few deep breaths, then I'm fine. So why would anyone ever suspect unless I told them?


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

PleaseHelp said:


> Why would anyone call CPS? No one has ever suspected anything. It's not like he's ever had bruises. When I've lashed out, it wasn't that hard. Any marks were gone within the hour. It was hardly anything. It was just enough that I needed to tell someone. I think you guys are thinking this situation was worse than it really was. It's definitely more mild than you guys seem to be making it. My son is completely fine. He's a happy toddler. Always laughing and playing and smiling with no marks on his body and for the last two days, I've haven't taken any anger out on him. Not even yelling. I take a few deep breaths, then I'm fine. So why would anyone ever suspect unless I told them?


Because kids say things. Especially as they get older, go to school, go out in public, etc. Trust me, they have no filter. Mine will tell perfect strangers about some of our eccentric crunchy practices! :lol

You yourself indicated in the OP that a simple promise to yourself doesn't do the trick:



> I always say I'm not going to do it anymore, but when I get angry, that takes full control of me.


You also mentioned being afraid of getting your kids taken if you seek counseling. That's why enrolling in it for anger management is a good strategy. You can discuss your rage and be discreet about how you've taken it out. Mandatory reporting laws are a mixed bag. Sometimes they actually get in the way of child abuse prevention, or simply making family life better, because parents don't disclose even the minor stuff for fear of CPS intervention.

Anyway, all of this is obviously your decision. But I'm telling you how these things often go down.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

Thank you. I do feel I am in control now. There have been a few times I have been very angry, and I did nothing. These last two days make me feel like I'm going through withdrawals. I feel I am in control, but I am also ACTUALLY thinking about seeking help for my anger in general because I'd like not only to be able to control it, but also I'd like to just not get so mad all the time in general. Despite the CPS comment upsetting me, you all really are a big help. I really feel I wouldn't have been able to get through just these two days without you guys. Again I am actually considering it for my anger in general.


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## SoVermontMom (Jun 8, 2015)

You've found a wealth of support here. I know you want to love your son. I would just like to second the suggestions to find "safe places", staying in public and/or allowing your son to stay with a trusted person while you invest in intensive help. I also wondered if any religious affiliation might offer help in the form intensive support or coaching, such as the Mormons. I also think your behavior is akin to addiction, and perhaps there is an anger management group that works similarly to AA and could offer a sponsor. Another risky move is to approach child protective services yourself, voluntarily, and ask to be connected to any support groups. Perhaps even for "a friend". 
Here is one lead for Violence Anonymous: United States	(605) 562-3130 (google it for more info). Mormons have a 24 hour help line, 855-LDS-HELP (I'm not Mormon btw, I'm Jewish). I know you can find the strength to do whatever it takes to stop hurting. Glad you reached out. Keep doing it.


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## PleaseHelp (Jun 5, 2015)

I'm a Christian. I might see if my pastor has any suggestions. But yeah, I'm looking more for something like AA but for anger. It might be easier for me in group sessions than in one on one sessions.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Since you identify as a Christian the writing of this woman may help you in general with issues of overfunctioning and letting go, anxiety. She does actually follow a 12 step model of sorts, for letting go of our overinvolvement in other people's problems. In our children this can look like being overly anxious about how our kids are 'turning out' and how that reflects upon us:

http://smile.amazon.com/Let-Go-Now-Embracing-Detachment/dp/157324466X/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1433817147&sr=1-8&keywords=letting+go "Let Go Now: 'embracing detachment"

A lot of anger is rooted in anxiety--us getting caught up in fear--"if I don't teach him today he'll turn into a monster tomorrow" type thoughts. This anxiety fuels our intensity which can cause lashing out at our loved ones.

Keep talking here if it is helping you. Don't rule out therapy though--a trusting relationship in itself is curative if you have never had one.


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## SoVermontMom (Jun 8, 2015)

Did you take a look at Violence Anonymous yet? I looked again and they have an conference call of sorts so you can join an AA style group without even going there. Just scroll down the home page. See cut/paste below and the link. Again, I'm glad you reached out. Keep doing it.

For those of you who are sincerely willing to change, there is hope. May you find it now.
Violence Anonymous is not affiliated with any public, or private organization, political movement, ideology or religion; we take no position on outside issues. Our primary purpose is to overcome violence and to carry this message of recovery to those who still suffer.

Meetings

Wednesday meeting. 1:00 pm CST.

Sunday meeting. 9:00 am CST.

We hold meetings on a telephone conference call. The conference is free. Each participant is billed as a long distance call.

http://violenceanonymous.org/


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

How are you doing Pleasehelp?


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

Hi Pleasehelp, if you are still reading I'm sending you a hug :Hug

I hope that you are in therapy now. the structure of that can be really important even if you only do it for a little while. 

If you were abused then parenting can be extraordinarily difficult because children will trigger self-defense in the parent. Children do all the things that trigger an abused person: boundary issues, hitting, rage, "narcissism," neglect, etc etc etc. 

Anger management will not help if you are feeling abused by your child. Your posts describe an ability or inability to control your response not a release/transfiguration of your response. 

Have you been loved and feel love in your life? If you haven't then good parenting can be almost impossible. It has to be love 24/7, from parent to child. Someone with no inner resources, having trauma and a lack of love, can't pull this off. It's too big and too difficult. And it lasts too long. 

My advice would be to work harder than you've ever worked to unroot this pain in yourself and fill that space with love. Love from a smile from a stranger, the brush of a leaf on your hand, from a therapist asking you to trust, the trusting gaze of your child who loves and needs you always.

I commend you for making a committment, it shows you have will. Use that will to make yourself strong. Strong enough to stake a claim for love in your life and don't back down.


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

And wouldn't it be great if your son remembers "My mom used to hit me but she stopped and now we have a great relationship. I admire her so much."


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## dahlia810 (Dec 3, 2012)

I hope you and your son are doing ok @PleaseHelp . Being a mom is exhausting and difficult, and it can be so hard to control your emotions. I hope you've found some help to work through everything- for you and your sons sake.

I remember being hit as a child, and it still effects me. It's hard to trust my parents even now, years and years later.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

PleaseHelp said:


> Why would anyone call CPS? No one has ever suspected anything. It's not like he's ever had bruises. When I've lashed out, it wasn't that hard. Any marks were gone within the hour. It was hardly anything. It was just enough that I needed to tell someone. I think you guys are thinking this situation was worse than it really was. It's definitely more mild than you guys seem to be making it. My son is completely fine. He's a happy toddler. Always laughing and playing and smiling with no marks on his body and for the last two days, I've haven't taken any anger out on him. Not even yelling. I take a few deep breaths, then I'm fine. So why would anyone ever suspect unless I told them?


I'm glad that you feel your control is improving. And I'm so glad that you were able to reach out and ask for help-that must have been really hard.

I do, however, want to suggest that you go back and read your first couple of posts compared to the above. You go from being worried about your son being taken away, stating that you are out of control and hitting him all the time, to insisting that it wasn't so bad and he's totally fine. For the record, hitting a child hard enough to leave a mark for an hour is not fine.

I don't want to discourage you or take away from the fact that you feel like you are getting a handle on the situation, but it sounds like you are backtracking and minimizing now that you feel like you have "solved" the problem. I sincerely hope that is true and you never lay a hand on your son (or husband) in anger again, but please do have a plan in place (a relationship with a therapist, a safe place to take your son or a plan for your husband to immediately come home, etc.) just in case.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Did one of your parents treat you this way? It sounds like you might be following an unfortunate example from your past. 

*hugs*


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## Bethany Rosselit (May 27, 2015)

You've got some good resources here, and I just wanted to add two things. First, PLEASE get professional help with anger management. The way to overcome old habits is by learning new ones. Being angry nearly all the time has got to be an unpleasant way to live--you deserve better than that! Consider getting some help and adding to your emotional "toolkit."

In the meantime, how are you calming yourself when you are angry? Have you considered giving your son a time-out, so that you can take some time to yourself? Get yourself to a quiet place and do something to calm down--breathing exercises, yoga, prayer, meditation, or even walking. Find something that works for you.


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