# what age to make their own lunches?



## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

My oldest son is almost 12 and the other son is 9, i am trying to get them to make their own lunches for school. They don't like to and to be honest i hate making them myself.
This morning i said to the oldest don't forget to make your lunch, he gave me this sad story how it didn't matter he would just go hungry as he is always hungry!
He eats non stop seriously! And how i only ever make him sandwiches, well than i started getting defensive and asked what did he expect filet mignon!

I recall having to make my own lunches when i was pretty young and i don't want to expect to much from them but they also know what they like to eat!

So are they too young am i being mean?


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

You are not being mean and they are certainly not too young. My kids start at grade1-2 making their own lunches. It stemmed from the morning, "come on, make up your mind what do you want" and the not eaten lunches that in a few hours became unliked.









I have everything set for them. Almost "stations". Make a sandwich; a fruit; a snack and a treat. Its all in the fridge or cupboard, they just "assemble". If they dont eat it, they only have themselves to blame. And you know what? Since they've been making their own lunches, everything gets eaten.









Good Luck!


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## Buddhamom (Jan 16, 2007)

My 15 and 17 yr. old choose not to take luch, but when they were younger (10 and 12)they wanted to make lunch and we found that it was easier for them to make it the night before in case we got pressed for time. When they were really little I did the whole colored milk during a holiday, cut the sanwhiches out of a big cookie cutter in various shapes thing and I can't wait to do that again.


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## Monie (May 24, 2005)

I make lunches for dh and dd the night before, so we aren't so rushed in the mornings.

Dd (10yo) gets to choose whether to eat school lunch or take a lunch - she almost always chooses to take her lunch. If I ask her to help me make her lunch, she is expected to help or she has to have school lunch.

She is capable of making it herself, but it is something I like to do for dh and dd (most of the time!)


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

my boys are 11 and 13 and we recently started doing this. I do worry that they will pack jsut crap so for now I have them make and pack their drink and main dish:
sammich
wrap
leftovers with food thermos, to be reheated and packed in morning
sushi (packed on ice)
prosciutto wrapped around mozzerella sticks
rolled lunchmeat and cheese

They put it in the bag and put their initial on the bag (except for leftovers...they jsut get that ready for reheat in the mrning).

Then I go in and throw the fruit and sides in the bag.

For now, thats what works for us.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

My kids started making them around 8 years old... the oldest doesn't do it too much, but the middle one loves to make his lunches!


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## amyb15 (Jan 10, 2007)

Of course you're not being too mean! You should get your kids to start making sandwiches at a young age so when they're hungry, they can make their own food for lunch







It saves you time, and helps them grow into a more responsible state


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## RBinTEX (Apr 16, 2004)

My kids, 11, 13, and 14, have been making their own lunches for a couple of years. They pack a lot less than I did, so I'm assuming less gets wasted. I also make them write on my list the things they want me to pick up from the store. Works great!


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

thanks!


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

Mine are 13 and 10 and have been doing them for about 2 years. I got fed up of washing out boxes first thing in the morning and doing sandwiches whilst eating my breakfast and breastfeeding their sister! I'm also waaay too disorganised/lazy/easily distracted to do it all the night before. (crap mummy really)

At the beginning of the week we grate a block of cheese and put it in a tupperware in the fridge. Sometimes they prepare hard boiled egg and add mayo the night before, or mash tuna with something to keep in the fridge for a couple of days.

We also have sliced ham or chicken and a box of salad too. They are absolutely banned from taking jam or honey sandwiches







The rule is carbs and PROTEIN and something brightly coloured in each sandwich and however many sandwiches or rolls they want to take plus a drink.

They don't take fruit anymore but do eat fruit or veg when they get home.

My friends were and are still horrified that I *make* them do this but I don't see why; they prepare food for themselves at home and school lunch is just something to keep them going til they get home and eat my cupboards bare.


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## sweetieface (Apr 8, 2006)

My dd has been making her lunch since Kinder and she's in 2nd now. I only hope my other two follow in her footsteps.


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## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sweetieface* 
My dd has been making her lunch since Kinder and she's in 2nd now. I only hope my other two follow in her footsteps.









Good for you!

Make sure the others make their own lunch when the time is right.

I made everyone's breakfast and lunch from the age of ten, fourth grade, until the day I married at age 23. I was the oldest of nine. I told my mom that it was not fair for me to be making all of the meals all of the time and she told me to "Shut up"!

When I moved out, my 22 year old sister already had her own place, my 20 and 18 year old sisters were at college, and the then 16 year old was not mature enough to handle the job. My mom was overwhelmed when I left. She had relied on me too much. She was left with five minor children of school age who did not know what to do and she herself did not want to do it.


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## Zonie (Nov 8, 2006)

My daughter started making her own lunch in 1st grade.

I just had to make things easy and availble for her to grab, or she wouldn't put much effort into it.


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## antannie (Jul 5, 2006)

My daughter makes her lunch most of the time when she takes it. She eats a school lunch unless she doesn't like what is on the menu for that day or if they have sprts or a field trip. Sometimes I make it if she is helping me with other stuff, If it was a daily thing it would be her job for sure, just the same as making her own snacks is. She cooks the oatmeal most mornings, although sometimes she will ask me to make it especially if she has to get up extra early. She usually cooks her own lunch on the weekend and often cooks for us. She is not great at cleaning up but what kid likes that part?!

She is also responsible for feeding the dogs and cats in the morning and for now and the next few weeks, the sheep as well while my broken leg heals. I want her to grow up to be able to look after herself and she wants that too.

She gets up before 6 every morning to do all this and does a great job. She doesn't think we are mean parents. Now when we send her to clean her room that is a different story altogether!


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

12 is definitely not too young. My oldest son was preparing his own meals around the house by age 9. Perhaps you could allow them to fix their lunch the night before so it's ready and they don't have to do it that morning...or buy them something simple like lunchables.


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## 3daughters (Aug 11, 2004)

My mother gave me the job of making my own lunch when I was around 10. I didn't take the responsibility seriously and ended up going to school with a grapefruit for lunch most days and other days I didn't take anything. Needless to say, I was hungry.

As a mom, I pack my kids lunches for them because I can't let them go through what I went through. I don't know why my mom didn't pick up on the fact that I was going to school without a proper lunch. I think that the moms that are having their children make their own lunches but having everything laid out for them have a good system.


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## Katheda (Jun 23, 2005)

when I used to send my daughter to school, she woudl make her own luches as well. I think we started in kindergarten by letting her decide what she wanted and I assembled, making sure that we had a variety of good food. Soon enoough, she knew what kept well in her lunchbox and how much she needed and soon enough, she was making her own, knowing that she had to have a balanced meal (no, 7 differnt types of cheese does not make for a good lunch







). When she was in charge of making her grocery list for the foods that she wanted for lunch, she always ate all her lunch. It's a great opportunity to teach nutrition and meal planning, life skills that everyone needs to learn eventually.


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## lauriebeth (Mar 1, 2006)

my dd is a toddler, but i saw this thread and decided to lurk









oh, the good ol days of my mom making my lunch!

I will tell you as a kid, my mom made our lunches til we went to college. I cant speak for my sisters, but I know that I had awful nutrition from the time I left home til I got pregnant with DD. Perhaps this would have been a good training ground for better food choices?


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## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

My nine year olds love to make their own lunches and they do a very good job of it. My four year does not go to school but she also loves to pack her lunch when the other kids do and she makes pretty good choices. Works great when we have to do errands otherwise she picnics in the back yard or eats at the table.


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## chel (Jul 24, 2004)

wow, wasn't expecting this when I clicked on the thread. my dd can make her own lunch. We're often rushed in the mornings so I often do, but now that the weather is nice, when my dd comes home from school she will pack a picnic lunch for her and a friend on our back deck. Even down to doing special folds in the napkins.

I agree start easy. basic sandwiches, and then fruit, crackers, cheese, etc.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Mine have been making their own lunches since around second grade. I wash lettuce immediately when I buy it and store it in one of those reusable veggie bags they sell in Wholefoods, it really does help keep it fresh. Grate a few carrots and store in fridge, wash radishes, apples, tomatoes etc. so it is all ready to grab. They usually make a sandwich, take an apple orange or banana (better selection in summer when the farmer market is open, then they usually have a choice of peaches, plums or some other fruit in season). Sometimes they take leftover pasta as salad. Each has a "snack size" container for salsa or guacamole or pickles or whatever. Works pretty well, but I do find you have to have the stuff washed and ready or there won't be much veggies in the lunch. I tried having them alternate one making the lunch for both but it ended up with too many arguments between them about what to put in


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

My kids can all make their own, but unless I do it for them they often don't take anything, and since my middle son is underweight I make him 2 sandwiches every morning, then he throws in anything else he wants. My oldest usually grabs frozen pizza subs out of the freezer that we buy at Costco for him in bulk. And my youngest comes home with me every day for lunch and I make it for her. Yep, they're spoiled


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

They are absolutely not too young. I am of the opinion that if my kids CAN do something, then I do not do it for them. Of course I do favors and nice things "just because," but I don't make a habit of doing things that they can do for themselves just because they don't want to do it. There are plenty of things that I don't enjoy doing but do anyway because they need to be done, and to me, for a 9 and 12 year old, the idea of "if you want to eat a packed lunch at school, pack a lunch" is fine and completely logical. I would, however, make sure to spend a few weeks really teaching them how to do this and giving them some good ideas so that they don't feel doomed to PB&J with carrot sticks every day. I would also make sure that fresh fruits and vegetables are prepared for them in a way that is inviting and easy to package. I would make sure that they have their own lunchboxes/bags and containers to use so that they know where their lunches go and how they will be stored.

My 12 year old gets a free lunch at school but recently told me that she would prefer to take a lunch. I told her that was fine by me and helped her come up with a few ideas to get her started. Some days she packs and some days she doesn't want to put in the effort ... fine by me. If she wants a packed lunch but isn't willing to put forth the effort, why should I have to?

Namaste!


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## Sepia (Oct 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3daughters* 
My mother gave me the job of making my own lunch when I was around 10. I didn't take the responsibility seriously and ended up going to school with a grapefruit for lunch most days and other days I didn't take anything. Needless to say, I was hungry.

As a mom, I pack my kids lunches for them because I can't let them go through what I went through. I don't know why my mom didn't pick up on the fact that I was going to school without a proper lunch. I think that the moms that are having their children make their own lunches but having everything laid out for them have a good system.









:
I had the same experience growing up, and i make my kids' lunches now. my kids are 11, 8 and 6. I would like to transition to the kids making their own lunches but i guess i worry they will be hungry if i don't do it.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sepia* 
i guess i worry they will be hungry if i don't do it.

Not to be snide, but whose fault is it really if they are? If you teach them how to make their own lunches and make things accessible to them, it's not your fault if they go hungry. If I don't my own lunch, guess what? I'm hungry!

That said, I would not expect an 8 or a 6 year old to make their own lunches. That's probably something I would start expecting at around 10. But then again, several moms have posted to this thread that their 6-8 year olds make their own lunches, so there you go!

Namaste!


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

that was my issue with my almost 12 year old, "oh i'll just be hungry than", and then i found out he would tell the school he forgot his lunch so they would give him a bagel and a granola bar.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

I'd day let him go with that strategy. I'd imagine that, eventually, the school will catch on.

Namaste!


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

when i found out his little trick, i did put a stop to it


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I think very young children 'can make lunch'. It's not rocket science to throw granola bars and baggies in a box. Of courtse, that is not the sort of lunch I want them to have. No child wants to pack the sort of lunch I think is most beneficial to their bodies and souls.

I consider it an act of love to make my children their lunch.

I know other's wouldn't, but I do. My schooled children are very sweet, smart and kind. While they are quite capable, my packing it up hasn't ruined them.


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## 3daughters (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
Not to be snide, but whose fault is it really if they are? If you teach them how to make their own lunches and make things accessible to them, it's not your fault if they go hungry. If I don't my own lunch, guess what? I'm hungry!

Well, that strategy obviously didn't work with me or Carrie.

I did not like being hungry. My mother (and/or teachers) should have noticed that I wasn't bringing food with me to school and fixed the situation. Its an adult's responsibility to make sure that a child has proper nourishment. You can't blame a child for neglecting to take care of themselves.


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

I do not see anything wrong with teens making their own lunches or parents making their teen's lunches. There seems to be this notion that if we do stuff like make lunch for our teens that they will never learn how to do stuff like make their lunch on their own. I do not believe this to be true.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Sometimes I think only the babies on MDC matter.

They get all the emoticons and smilies, and the teens get dissed as lazy and sneaky if they can't get it together in their long day to make themselves lunch.

Where's the Smilie for making a teen a healthy lunch? Do children on MDC cease to need care once they wean and can't be carried in a sling?


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Susie1* 
I do not see anything wrong with teens making their own lunches or parents making their teen's lunches. There seems to be this notion that if we do stuff like make lunch for our teens that they will never learn how to do stuff like make their lunch on their own. I do not believe this to be true.

Yep. It's not unlike saying "If you don't teach them to sleep in their own bed in the newborn period, they will never learn to sleep alone" and "if you don't teach them to go potty at 18 mos, they will be in diapes until they are 'go to school'".

Teens deserve our trust, TLC, and patience just as much as babies do.


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

UUMOM - you bring up a good point. Regarding the loving and trusting of teens; I have picked up on a little strain of "tough love" on this thread regarding the lunch making -- a kind of "Let them go hungry, then they'll learn to make lunch!" thing. If kids want to make their own lunches, great; but if it meant they would choose to go without lunch, how much skin is it to make sure they are well-fed? For kids who still need help (no matter the age), I do not think it should become an issue.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

I don't really see it as tough love. I see it as realism. If a child is given the skills to do something and is capable of doing so and chooses not to, I don't necessarily think that it's always the parents' job to jump in and fix the problem. I generally don't make a habit of doing things for my kids that they can do for themselves simply because they don't want to put in the effort. I don't see it as a way to toughen them up. I see it as a way to free myself up so I have more time to spend doing stuff with them and having fun. If I am constantly bogged down doing mundane chores that my kids merely don't want to do, I don't have the time (and sometimes I don't have the mood) to hang with my kids.

Now, that's not to say that I think there is anything wrong with making a kids' lunch, even if he/she is a senior in high school. If the mom wants to do it or the child is truly incapable, no problem. If the mom wants to assist the kid in doing it, great. But if the mom feels burdened by it (due the the myriad other things moms must be responsible for) and the child is capable of it, then I see no problem shifting the responsibility to the child.

I think that sometimes it depends on how easily a certain person feels capable of juggling all their "mom responsibilities." Personally, I find it very difficult to meet all the responsibilities of having three kids (especially three special needs kids), and I find that it really helps me to shift some of the load, in an abilities-appropriate way, to my kids. And I think that in the long run (heck, even in the short run), it benefits them to have the skills to care for themselves in certain small ways. If my 9 and 12 year olds truly felt overwhelmed by the idea of making their own lunches, I would do it for them. If it was more a situation of Poor me, Mom no longer makes my lunch, I now have to spend an extra five minutes doing so, sniff sniff," I would be less inclined to. It all comes down to what we know about our own kids.

My 12 year old hates folding her own laundry and will often just ball it up in her drawer. Then she complains about it being wrinkled and expects me to get up early to iron it for her. I don't consider it tough love to tell her I won't and to expect that she either fold her own laundry (which she knows how to do) or iron it herself (which she knows how to do). I consider it the oft-lauded-on-MDC natural consequence of not folding your laundry.

Namaste!


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

We operate as a team. All three of us know what needs to be done, and we pony up to do it according to our schedules/abilities. Some days I'll pack their lunches, some days they do their own - and one for me. Sometimes I do things for them that they're perfectly capable of doing on their own, just because I want to. And vice-versa.

We're a family, so we do for one another.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Susie1* 
UUMOM - you bring up a good point. Regarding the loving and trusting of teens; I have picked up on a little strain of "tough love" on this thread regarding the lunch making -- a kind of "Let them go hungry, then they'll learn to make lunch!" thing. If kids want to make their own lunches, great; but if it meant they would choose to go without lunch, how much skin is it to make sure they are well-fed? For kids who still need help (no matter the age), I do not think it should become an issue.

Food can be love. We lovingly nurse littles, we lovingly prepare organic food for toddlers. Teens don't nurse, they don't get body time in a sling, they are often busy away from home and don't always have access healthy organic food unless we help make it happen. If any child needs a thoughtfully packed lunch, it's a teen.

Teens are on the move. If my teen feels the love through the food, great. The fact my teens do and *can* throw a lunch together in a few seconds doesn't take away the fact that they appreciate and benefit from a lunch that takes a bit more time to prepare. I wouldn't pick this hill to die on, esp since older kids need emotional stroking that babies and toddlers get easily.

We don't do 'tough love'. We try to work as a team, but sometimes the child needs food more than theory and an empty stomach. Teens have enough to deal with emotionally. We shouldn't needlessly add to their burdens.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Purely out of curiousity, how many mamas who would not prepare lunch for the teens pack lunch for their DH?


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

I used to pack lunch for my dh. Now that we have three special needs kids, I don't do it anymore. It's something he can easily do for himself that feels like a real load-lightener for me.

Namaste!


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3daughters* 
Well, that strategy obviously didn't work with me or Carrie.

I did not like being hungry. My mother (and/or teachers) should have noticed that I wasn't bringing food with me to school and fixed the situation. Its an adult's responsibility to make sure that a child has proper nourishment. You can't blame a child for neglecting to take care of themselves.

Surely if you didn't like being hungry you should have learned to take your lunch. Your mother provided proper nourishment, you CHOSE not to take it to school. No sympathy here.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Quote:

My schooled children are very sweet, smart and kind. While they are quite capable, my packing it up hasn't ruined them.
Awesome! And my children making their own lunches hasnt ruined them either.









Whatever works for your family, right?


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

Everyone packs their own lunch here. Dh, dd age 11, dd age 8 and me.

I think the girls started packing their own lunches when they started going all day--oldest dd in 2nd grade (she homeschooled half days in 1st grade, so lunch was at home) and youngest dd in 1st grade.

I do ask what they have packed, because sometimes I'll find that it is all protein or all carbs (usually dd#2), or dd#1 will pack pickles, an apple, and a grapefruit and call it good. I think it's a good opportunity to learn what a balanced meal is, and what type of food is going to hold you over and help you work well during the day. Really, they are pretty good about it. I always keep some dried fruit and some sort of nuts around for the days when they don't pack a good lunch and I forget to ask until we are walking out the door. I figure most meals can be made nutritious and nutrient dense with the addition of some nuts and dried cranberries!

We also require that everyone cleans out their own lunch bag after they get home.


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Susie1* 
UUMOM - you bring up a good point. Regarding the loving and trusting of teens; I have picked up on a little strain of "tough love" on this thread regarding the lunch making -- a kind of "Let them go hungry, then they'll learn to make lunch!" thing. If kids want to make their own lunches, great; but if it meant they would choose to go without lunch, how much skin is it to make sure they are well-fed? For kids who still need help (no matter the age), I do not think it should become an issue.

I don't think its tough love at all, its just practical in our house. I cook a home prepared meal in the evening all but one night a month and I know that my children can make healthy choices from what is available for lunch making in our fridge. I also bake so that they can have a snack when they come home. There is no lack of food or love in our house.

Another aspect of this is free choice. I remember not fancying what my mum had made me for my lunch sometimes and my dh was also heartily sick of the same cheese or marmite sanwiches his mum used to send him to school with. If children make their own lunches they are able to choose what they fancy that particular day and then hopefully enjoy it more because it is what they want to eat not an 'Oh no, not that' when they open their box.

Dh eats lunch at home - sometimes I prepare it, sometimes he does. We are both awake and things are less fraught at midday than at 8am.


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## jpudsey (Nov 13, 2006)

by age 10 my son new how to make basic sandwiches for himself and his brother. nO cooking involved. This year we brought in the microwave into the equation to learn how to heat things up.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Susie1* 
UUMOM - you bring up a good point. Regarding the loving and trusting of teens; I have picked up on a little strain of "tough love" on this thread regarding the lunch making -- a kind of "Let them go hungry, then they'll learn to make lunch!" thing. If kids want to make their own lunches, great; but if it meant they would choose to go without lunch, how much skin is it to make sure they are well-fed? For kids who still need help (no matter the age), I do not think it should become an issue.

I don't see it as tough love at all. I see it as a perfect example of natural consequences.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
Food can be love. We lovingly nurse littles, we lovingly prepare organic food for toddlers. Teens don't nurse, they don't get body time in a sling, they are often busy away from home and don't always have access healthy organic food unless we help make it happen. If any child needs a thoughtfully packed lunch, it's a teen.

Teens are on the move. If my teen feels the love through the food, great. The fact my teens do and *can* throw a lunch together in a few seconds doesn't take away the fact that they appreciate and benefit from a lunch that takes a bit more time to prepare. I wouldn't pick this hill to die on, esp since older kids need emotional stroking that babies and toddlers get easily.

We don't do 'tough love'. We try to work as a team, but sometimes the child needs food more than theory and an empty stomach. Teens have enough to deal with emotionally. We shouldn't needlessly add to their burdens.

I'm very very wary about making associations between food and love, I think that's leading the way to an eating disorder.


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## J-Max (Sep 25, 2003)

My 8 year old - 2nd grade has started making her lunches the last 2 weeks. This came her repeatedly complaining about her lunch (too much, not enough, gross, just complaining, even if I asked what she wanted in her lunch) She has to get up 10 min earlier, but has stopped complaing about her lunch. I supervise and help if needed. My dd hates sandwiches, so we do lots of left overs (they have a microwave in the lunch room)


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## Sepia (Oct 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Your mother provided proper nourishment, you CHOSE not to take it to school.

nope, not my mom.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I'm very very wary about making associations between food and love, I think that's leading the way to an eating disorder.

I am not suprised you or anyone thinks this. Babies love breastfeeding, but we don't worry about them feeling love with their food. Adults love a specially prepared meal and often enjoy a good meal at a nice restaurant. But teens? Teens be damned. Fend for yourself. Once you're weaned, Tough Love. Food is strictly for calories and energy.

I anticipated somone would reply with this line of thinking. It's a typical line of thinking I don't buy into. I can't change mainstream ideas about teens. If one thinks a healthy lunch thoughtfully prepared is bad for a teen, what on earth could I say that changes such a misguided opinion?

My normal weight, food issue-free (breastfed on demand for years, free range fed etc) 18 year old appreciates a loving prepared packed lunch when life is heavy.

if others don't want to offer this to their teens, that's ok.









My teen is loving, caring, and I enjoy making his lunch when he seems to need a bit of TLC. That others dont is fine. No biggie. I am sure your teen rocks as much as mine does.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I don't see it as tough love at all. I see it as a perfect example of natural consequences.


I see it this way: You don't want to make your kid lunch. .

But it's not damaging for a teen to have a nice little lunch made by a parent who cares to do so.

I could say that by denying your child food you are creating an eating disorder, but I don't think that's the case.

You might consider that those of who do enjoy preparing nourishment in a long day for our children are simply feeding our kids.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sepia* 
nope, not my mom.

I'm sorry these needs were denied.

People see teens as adults and most don't think they are worthy of certain TLC. I don't get that-- I feel bad that nobody took care of you in this way. I can see that my teens are busy and appreciative of being cared- for. I simply don't understand why people want to toss teens to the wolves. The teen years are such an emotional roller coaster.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shenjall* 
Awesome! And my children making their own lunches hasnt ruined them either.









Whatever works for your family, right?


Yep. Sometimes people can feed themselves, and sometimes they need to be fed. Age shouldn't be an issue. But sadly, it is.

Having been around teens fpr sp long. I have observed that teens who are respected & cared for are those who respect and care for others. The toughest teens are those who feel they have to seem without need.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

UUMom, you have made some interesting comments. I often enjoy reading what you have to say.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
UUMom, you have made some interesting comments. I often enjoy reading what you have to say.









Yk...

I am beyond thinking I know anything more than what I have experienced. All I truly know is what I have lived. My kids are 18, 14, 13, and 8. They all have their particular needs, and some are much greater than others. It is what it is and we plod through as best we can. We are a mixed -race, mixed-culture, mixed-age, hodge-podge group of people who love and care for each other as best we can. We have been created through adoption and biology. We're raw, at best.

We have our issues, but we've learned that people need what they need, and we try to communicate as best we can.

I only post from experience. I am not 'perfection-oriented', and I embrace our crazy imperfections and thought process.







: I used to worry more, but now I see we are pretty nifty as we are.


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## Sepia (Oct 7, 2003)

UUmom I tried to pm you but your inbox is full. so i'll just cut and paste it here:

THanks for your comment to me on the lunch thread. I am still working through issues surrounding cooking/feeding myself/feeding my own kids and I am 35 years old! up until recently I would actually feel rage when I was making my kids lunch to take to school. i know it's because stuff from my childhood was being triggered. mainly anger at my mother for not nurturing me.

I really like your perspective on nourishing children of any age, and I think you're doing a great job


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sepia* 
UUmom I tried to pm you but your inbox is full. so i'll just cut and paste it here:

THanks for your comment to me on the lunch thread. I am still working through issues surrounding cooking/feeding myself/feeding my own kids and I am 35 years old! up until recently I would actually feel rage when I was making my kids lunch to take to school. i know it's because stuff from my childhood was being triggered. mainly anger at my mother for not nurturing me.

I really like your perspective on nourishing children of any age, and I think you're doing a great job









I am terrible about cleaning out my PMs. I just did some tidying.

I think food is a difficult issue at times, no doubt about that. We have to eat, after all, and creating peace around food and mealtimes is a worthy goal. Finding peace with food begins with accepting it can be a source of comfort as well as physical nourishment. They can go hand in hand without baggage or eating disorders, kiwm? Withholding food can seem to children as withholding love. We care for people when we feed them. We can care for children in other ways of course, but people can't survive if they do not eat. A chrnocially hungry child suffers from hunger pains, yes, but also, as you did, it can also be felt as neglect. While you could make your own lunch, you might not have had the reousrces or food you needed. And even if you had all that, teens (and littles) are often on the go, so parents might have fewer opportunites to physically transmit their care (babies get nursed, carried, slept with etc, and older children don't) and less time to connect in a day.

I am very protective of teens as I find people mostly dislike teens and/or are afraid of them. I find my own teens soft and eager, and I find their friends equally decent. I try to feed my older children as respectfully and healthfully as when they were wee ones. It's harder now, my 18 yr old is not home as much, but if he feels cared-for in the middle of his day with some good food from home, good.

Now, all that said, some children don't need a lunch, don't want a lunch, or will buy lunch at school or at a drive-through. My teens also enjoy being handed money for food.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
I see it this way: You don't want to make your kid lunch. .

But it's not damaging for a teen to have a nice little lunch made by a parent who cares to do so.

I could say that by denying your child food you are creating an eating disorder, but I don't think that's the case.

You might consider that those of who do enjoy preparing nourishment in a long day for our children are simply feeding our kids.

I'll give you something to get even more hysterical over - I don't make lunch for my 10 yr old either! She makes it herself!!!! I am denying her my touch on her food!!!!

My kids are not denied food there is a full fridge. They are given the freedom to make their own food choices, and the opportunity to learn about food preparation and nutrition. It will stand them in much better stead than spoonfeeding.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I'll give you something to get even more hysterical over - I don't make lunch for my 10 yr old either! She makes it herself!!!! I am denying her my touch on her food!!!!

My kids are not denied food there is a full fridge. They are given the freedom to make their own food choices, and the opportunity to learn about food preparation and nutrition. It will stand them in much better stead than spoonfeeding.

I don't have any poroblems with a child making their own lunch.

You're a little defensive, but you don't need to be. I am sure your child is undmaged by making her own lunch. Your point might be better presented if you toned down the hysteria about 'spoonfeeding'. Of course I pack bibs in with the lunches; my kids still dribble if I am not there to scrape their chins with a spoon.


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## 3daughters (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Surely if you didn't like being hungry you should have learned to take your lunch. Your mother provided proper nourishment, you CHOSE not to take it to school. No sympathy here.

<sarcastic comment removed>

Please keep in mind that sometimes teens don't prioritize correctly. A teen may choose to stay in bed a few extra minutes and then not have time to pack a lunch. Or a teen may talk on the phone all evening and then be too tired to pack a lunch. Or a teen may prefer white bread and only whole wheat bread is being offered.

Or a teen may just not be mature enough to take on certain responsibilities. Then it is the parent's responsibility to assess the situation and realize that this is one area that teen needs to be parented in.

Natural consequences are great when you are talking about priveleges. *But a child should never go hungry as a consequence of bad choices.*


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3daughters* 
<sarcastic comment removed>

Please keep in mind that sometimes teens don't prioritize correctly. A teen may choose to stay in bed a few extra minutes and then not have time to pack a lunch. Or a teen may talk on the phone all evening and then be too tired to pack a lunch. Or a teen may prefer white bread and only whole wheat bread is being offered.

Or a teen may just not be mature enough to take on certain responsibilities. Then it is the parent's responsibility to assess the situation and realize that this is one area that teen needs to be parented in.

Natural consequences are great when you are talking about priveleges. *But a child should never go hungry as a consequence of bad choices.*

I disagree. I believe in learning from natural consequences.


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## 3daughters (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I disagree. I believe in learning from natural consequences.

So if your child didn't eat lunch for a week you'd be OK with that?


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3daughters* 
So if your child didn't eat lunch for a week you'd be OK with that?

I'm not choli, but I will take a stab at this one anyway.

My daughter, who is 12, was adopted from Ethiopia 10 months ago. Food and eating have been major issues since she got here. I have worked with an HIV doc, a pediatrician, a nutritionist, an attachment therapist, a counselor, and my daughter to try to get her to eat. Her main issues seem to be 1) she dislikes American food and 2) she uses food as a control battle because she knows that, because of her health, we worry a lot about her nutrition.

I make Ethiopian food several times a week for dinner. Most other nights, when I don't make Ethiopian food, she refuses to eat. She lives in America now. At some point, she has to learn to eat what our family eats. I will continue to make Ethiopian several times a week, but I will not make it exclusively.

After 10 months and five specialists, yep, I'd be ok if she didn't eat dinner for a week. I don't like it, but I have accepted it. In the end, Desta has to make the decision to eat.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3daughters* 
So if your child didn't eat lunch for a week you'd be OK with that?

Of course - her body, her choice. I am not controlling about food.

Skipping lunch is not a big deal, she could make up for it with a larger dinner. Besides, both of my dds always have emergency money with them, so they could buy lunch if they wanted. But if they chose to skip, no big deal.


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## 3daughters (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
After 10 months and five specialists, yep, I'd be ok if she didn't eat dinner for a week. I don't like it, but I have accepted it. In the end, Desta has to make the decision to eat.

I see your situation as being totally different. You are talking about an older adopted child with special needs both emotionally and culturally. You have taken her to specialists and done everything you can try to meet her needs as best as you can manage without sacrificing yourself or the rest of your family.

Choli, I am not controlling about food either but as a child who was hungry more days than not I know what it feels like and would feel neglectful if my child went through that too.


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## ikesmom (Oct 29, 2005)

I disagree with letting them do what ever they want. If it works for you and your kids are healthy continue what works but there are problems that could arise. I was a chubby kid (at one point my mom owned 2 restaurants) and had many jokes about my plump tummy. In 6th grade I decided that I was too fat and I would loose the weight and be thin like my friends. I started out eating smaller portions for a few weeks and by the end of our summer vacation I was down to 2 glasses of lemonade with a cheese crisp or a instant cup of soup for the day.
My mom didn't notice until we went to Vegas on a trip and I couldn't eat. She kept buying me food and forced my to eat some hamburger and fries. I threw it all up and she was all over me after that with Dr. visits, supplements, forced meals and hawk eyed observation. I quit starving myself but I would eat poorly whenever I could and it was a problem for many years. My poor choice and consequences.

I don't want that problem for my kids. Both of my step-daughters mothers have food issues. Both girls are 10lbs heavier than they should be but I don't comment and just try to provide healthy food.

P.S
dharma mama I think your dd will adapt eventually and you are awesome for preparing her meals she is accustom to,


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3daughters* 
I see your situation as being totally different. You are talking about an older adopted child with special needs both emotionally and culturally. You have taken her to specialists and done everything you can try to meet her needs as best as you can manage without sacrificing yourself or the rest of your family.

Choli, I am not controlling about food either but as a child who was hungry more days than not I know what it feels like and would feel neglectful if my child went through that too.


They're not hungry. The fridge is full of healthy choices for food, and they can take what they want whenever they want. I am not going to force them to eat if they don't want to.

ETA: I've been wondering - did you tell your mother that you were not taking your lunch to school? If so, what was her reaction? If not, why did you feel you couldn't tell her?


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## 3daughters (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
They're not hungry. The fridge is full of healthy choices for food, and they can take what they want whenever they want. I am not going to force them to eat if they don't want to.

But the fridge doesn't come to school with them.

I guess you just have to have been in that position to understand where I am coming from. You are lucky that it was never you.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3daughters* 
I see your situation as being totally different.

See, I don't. I figure that, both in my case and the case of mothers who lovingly provide the child with access to adequate nutrition and the child simply refuses to avail him- or herself of it, it finally comes down to the child to make the choice to eat.

I make meals and give them to my daughter and she doesn't eat them. Other moms provide a fridge and pantry full of nutritious food and their child chooses not to take it with them.

I don't see it as all that different, even though I sought out multiple specialists to help me deal with my problem.

I appreciate your point of view, though, because I have been blamed by others for not doing enough to help my daughter. And I do recognize that there are situations where the moms don't make sure to stock nutritious foods.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3daughters* 
But the fridge doesn't come to school with them.

I guess you just have to have been in that position to understand where I am coming from. You are lucky that it was never you.

That's why the school has a cafeteria! If they don't like what's on offer there, a wait of a few hours won't do them any harm. I often skip lunch myself when work is wild. It just means I eat more for dinner.


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## ShaggyDaddy (Jul 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Canadianmommax3* 
My oldest son is almost 12 and the other son is 9, i am trying to get them to make their own lunches for school. They don't like to and to be honest i hate making them myself.
This morning i said to the oldest don't forget to make your lunch, he gave me this sad story how it didn't matter he would just go hungry as he is always hungry!
He eats non stop seriously! And how i only ever make him sandwiches, well than i started getting defensive and asked what did he expect filet mignon!

I recall having to make my own lunches when i was pretty young and i don't want to expect to much from them but they also know what they like to eat!

So are they too young am i being mean?


Wow, I'm jealous... we made our own lunches from kindergarten on. My mom made my older sisters' lunches till maybe 2nd or 3rd grade, but they complained about the food she put in there, so she made an edict that she would no longer make lunches for anyone (this was before I started school).

Also I can remember from age 12-16 I could eat constantly and still be starving hungry. It is a strange feeling to be facing a Pizza buffet, have a huge pile of crusts on your table, and still be starving. High fat foods at the begining of the meal like Avacado, Cheese, peanuts, whatever really were the only thing that helped. I don't know what your diet is like but the following foods were how I controlled my teenage hunger: Cheese, Peanuts, Beef Jerky, Summer sausage, green beans, sunflower seed kernels. All super heavy foods.


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## 3daughters (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
That's why the school has a cafeteria! If they don't like what's on offer there, a wait of a few hours won't do them any harm. I often skip lunch myself when work is wild. It just means I eat more for dinner.

Just to be clear, the school I went to did not have a cafeteria. Hot lunches were offered twice a week and my mom gave me money to buy food on those days so I did have lunch on those days.

While it may not do a child physical harm to skip meals, please make a mental note from my posts that it may do them emotional harm. You are a grown up and can make the choice to skip a meal, a child needs guidance and care.

ETA: I feel that my mother was not there for me at that age. She had just had a baby and gone back to work (and therefore gave me the responsibility of making my own lunch). I don't know if I even thought that there was any injustice with the fact that I went to school without lunch until I became a parent.

Dharmamama, you have shown that guidance and care!


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## 3daughters (Aug 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Canadianmommax3* 
that was my issue with my almost 12 year old, "oh i'll just be hungry than", and then i found out he would tell the school he forgot his lunch so they would give him a bagel and a granola bar.









You are lucky that the school has a program for kids that forget or lose their lunches. As a former school secretary who used to dispense these lunches, I want to tell you that we were able to figure out which children (or parents) were abusing the system.


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3daughters* 
You are lucky that the school has a program for kids that forget or lose their lunches. As a former school secretary who used to dispense these lunches, I want to tell you that we were able to figure out which children (or parents) were abusing the system.

Well i just found out he did this, and told him it was meant for kids that really needed it. Some mornings i am gone by 5-5:30 in the morning so i am not there to make sure he takes something. and my dh who is home is not always out of bed when they leave to make sure they take something.

My 9 year old has no problem packing himself stuff and i believe he actually likes to do it. But the older one doesn't like to do it and gives this pathetic look when i remind him to make himself something.


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

another thing, maybe this makes me a bad parent in some peoples eyes, but i have to be at work by 6:00 am and by the time i get home after work i am very tired. But i still take care of the kids and our house is up for sale and most nights i am running around like a maniac trying to keep the house clean or cleaning it up for a showing.
I don't ask much of the kids and them making their lunches is helpful to me.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Canadianmommax3* 
Well i just found out he did this, and told him it was meant for kids that really needed it. Some mornings i am gone by 5-5:30 in the morning so i am not there to make sure he takes something. and my dh who is home is not always out of bed when they leave to make sure they take something.

My 9 year old has no problem packing himself stuff and i believe he actually likes to do it. But the older one doesn't like to do it and gives this pathetic look when i remind him to make himself something.


Is your older one like that about all chores, or just the lunch making?

Mine prefer making their own, they like being able to choose exactly what they want that day. I've gotten that pathetic look when reminding them to do other chores, though


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Is your older one like that about all chores, or just the lunch making?

Mine prefer making their own, they like being able to choose exactly what they want that day. I've gotten that pathetic look when reminding them to do other chores, though










lately it's any chore i ask of him, he use to be super helpful, but now he will do it but i get that look. The only thing i ask of them is take out the garbage and recycle to the road. Which i end up reminding them the morning of if i am home. Occasionally i ask them to empty the dishwasher or help pick up if someone is coming to look at the house.


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## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
UUMom, you have made some interesting comments. I often enjoy reading what you have to say.











I think I'm coming to this late, but wanted to say a big "YEAH THAT!" UUMom, I have totally loved your perspective on this thread. I am not in any way close to having teens, but I seriously want to file this away for the future. It is great to hear that you have actually raised teens with this perspective and that it has worked well for your family. Go you!!!


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thebee321* 
I think I'm coming to this late, but wanted to say a big "YEAH THAT!" UUMom, I have totally loved your perspective on this thread. I am not in any way close to having teens, but I seriously want to file this away for the future. It is great to hear that you have actually raised teens with this perspective and that it has worked well for your family. Go you!!!

It's really nice that you posted. Thanks. I do think my teens are sweeties.

In the end, I only know what I have experienced. While today I have very nifty teens who appreciate the little things (like the ocassional packed lunch) who knows what might happen in the future? Plus, I feel a need to nurture them... the time we have left together is slipping through my fingers. I am very excited for them as they set out! I do want them to know I enjoyed nourishing them, body and soul.

Sometimes I look to the sky and wonder why I don't have teen issues...and mostly I know I am just blessed with easy personalities in my oldest two. I see that they are empathic, and I am grateful! I still have two more littles to go, and who knows what could happen?! However, I see they all enjoy a little TLC at times, and I've seen how they care for each other. I really enjoy them.

Edited for typos


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## mrs_oli (Jul 26, 2002)

UUMom-I love reading your posts! They remind me that as my children get older, they still have needs. Some simple, some not so simple...lol

I had to pack my lunch from a young age and I remember being jealous of those who didn't have to. My best friend brought lunches everyday, even in high school, that her Mom made for her. It must have made an impact because I can still remember my friend eating those yummy lunches. We homechool now, but if my kids ever do go to school I plan on making their lunches for them. I think it might be one of those things where they may not appreciate it now, but will appreciate it when they are older.

It is interesting reading all the posts. To some, packing a lunch is just "packing a lunch" and to some it is a way to nurture. How we look at it probably depends on our own experiences.

Just my two cents


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## Buddhamom (Jan 16, 2007)

My oldest is graduating this year from HS and sometimes she takes a lunch and sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes I say do you want me to make one and she says no she will eat when she gets home. Her choice. My middle teen refuses to take lunch to school because she doesn't want to eat in front of anyone and chooses to eat when she gets home. If I made a lunch and told her to take it she would just throw it away. No biggie. They are old enough to know what is good and what isn't. When they were small I would make their sandwiches with bread that I had cut with large cookie cutters so they were in shapes. I also naturally colored their soy milk for a surprise. I always put notes in their lunches too. But when they told me they were too old for that and wanted to take over I stepped back and let them take the lead. I did peek at what they had in there to make sure it was appropriate.


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## Gabbi (Jan 27, 2005)

My two olders are 11 and 14, when they take their lunch I still prepare it.
This way I am certain they are getting a vegetable, a fruit and everything is what it should be.
If I left this totally up to them they WOULD sneak a bunch of crud in their lunches.
My mother always made my lunch. Although it sounds stupid it was a way she sent a little bit of herself with me to school.








Silly I know.


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## kofduke (Dec 24, 2002)

OP: I know you said they gave your DS a lunch, and you told him that was "for kids that really need it," but I wanted to LYK at the school I'm interning it doesn't work like that. Kids that get free or reduced lunch get the entire meal that the other children can purchase, which includes an entree, 2 fruits/vegetables, a milk and a dessert. If a child has forgotten their bag lunch or doesn't have lunch money they are given only a sandwich and a milk. Teachers found that when students don't have lunch it affects their behavior and learning in the afternoon and really isn't fair to the rest of the class, so the cafeteria now ensures that everyone gets that little something, no matter what.

As to what age a child is ready to do it - I say it depends on the child. If the parents have worked with the child since Kindergarten to learn how to prepare lunches, things are very easily accessible to the child, and the child is otherwise fairly organized, I'd think it's okay. If the child was otherwise having trouble with organization, getting materials to school, getting work done, etc.; I'd lean towards making their own lunch really being a burden that was just too much for them at this time.

At our school, child really should have a lunchbox with solid sides as well (i.e., not a grocery or brown bag), since the bag lunches are usually stored in bulk containers to be carried to the cafeteria by the assistants, and would get ruined if they were just in bags, but this might be different depending on the school.


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## 2mama (Feb 3, 2006)

I think that as long as you have gone over healthy food choices and eating a balanced diet I think that they could start at about 8 or 9. DD was 8 and she got kick out of it! she always packed way too much....but hey I couldn't help but let her take it all... It was healthy!


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## CowsRock (Aug 1, 2005)

I don't have enough time to read all the responses, so I'll just give this one disclaimer that I by no means think kids making their own lunch is bad and I don't think having a kid make their own lunch somehow makes the mom bad either...no badness anywhere.









I just wanted to share my personal experience. My mom made my lunch all the way through high school. I can easily eat the exact same thing every day, so for all of high school I ate pb&j and she had little bags of chips. I can't remember what else, but basically they were very easy, no thought things. (the few responses I did read sound like most moms/kids are making a variety of healthy lunches, that is so nice) Anyway, she also included a little note in my lunch or put stickers on the sandwich bag, there was always something. I loved that she made my lunch and I loved the personal touches, I really thrived on it and it made HS bearable. To this day I would take a mom made pb&j over one made by me any time. But I certainly knew how to make my own sandwiches. So she taught me how to take care of myself but this was one thing she always wanted to do for me, and I have to say that it is something that really affected me in a good way. It was like getting a hug from her without having to put aside teen pride and ask for it. I loved it and I just wanted to make sure that this view point made it into this thread also. It is funny because writing this out makes me realize just how much it did mean, and it is also making me remember that she taught me fairly early how to do my own laundry and we were expected to do our own laundry. But once I moved out and would come home to visit she would almost insist on doing my laundry for me. I guess the laundry took the place of the lunches as her thing to do. Now she likes to buy me toilet paper and paper towels.







Moms are funny.


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## CowsRock (Aug 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gabbi* 
My mother always made my lunch. Although it sounds stupid it was a way she sent a little bit of herself with me to school.








Silly I know.

Not silly, I just wrote a response expressing the same thing...although you managed to say it in a lot less words.


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## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

My children (13 and 10) are capable of making their own lunches and do when I ask them to.

But I usually make the lunch because I get up a bit earlier, I like to pack a little extra for them and make sure that piece of fruit is in there


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