# That will get your bum spanked



## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

So I do childcare for one little girl who is almost 5. Today when her mom come she was a little excited and out of control(totally normal for a transition) and ordered her mom to put her shoes on. I said "uh oh, do-over, try again" which is what I usually say to my kids when they are a bit bossy/rude and she said "mom, please put my shoes on" and mom said "good thing you changed it, that will get your bum spanked"







I was floored. I know they use timeouts and such, most people I know do but spanking is something I never encounter. and to top it off my daughter was there, fortunately she has no clue, never heard teh word spanking

Now I am going to mention it to the mom privately when I get a moment and tell her we are a no-hit family and not to make references to spanking around my kids. I am not sure what I should say or how I should broach this but I feel I have to say something. I want it to be firm and serious but not insulting. I know it's not guaranteed that she will take it well but I figure I should say so anyway. Or should I? I think my daughter would be very disturbed if she knew what spanking was.

So any suggestions...how should I go about doing this.

BTW...I am not concerned about losing her as a day care child though my dd loves her. I don't depend on the money. She's the only kid I care for right now and I like having her. She's really sweet and like I said my dd loves her. It's also very part time.

and as an added note, her dad is a social worker with children's aid







:


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## libranbutterfly (Jan 12, 2007)

I have no advise, I just wanted to say I love your "discipline" technique! I am trying to use do overs for myself, but never hought to try it with kids. Do yu think a 2 yr old would figure it out?


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

A mulligan...I love it!

I would tell the mom flat out that there is absolutely no violence or threatening of violence in your home.


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

oh, i think "mulligan" will be adopted in this house!!! allgirls, i know you were posting for advice, but you just gave some great advice yourself!!!


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## pixiepunk (Mar 11, 2003)

mulligan







love it!

i definitely think you should say something. DH's best friend (since 2nd grade) and his wife have kids similar in age to ours, and much to our dismay they spank and parent in a pretty upsetting way for us. they are coming up here for DD's birthday in a few weeks, and I told DH that as uncomfortable as it might be, he needs to tell them that it's not OK to threaten or to actually spank their kids in our presence. i don't want to see that, and i definitely don't want my kids to see that. it's really hard sometimes to confront someone, but i think it's important for your own well-being, your childrens' well-being, and honestly maybe it will make them think for a minute about what they're doing and how they could do it differently.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Well, I definitely think you need to say something about the rules for your house. And definitely in those terms, so that she doesn't feel you are telling her how to parent (though you would like to, I'm sure) but just so she knows your limits in your house.

However, you should probably also realize that you can't shield your child from the realities of other families forever. Even in my community, where public spanking is very rare and few of our friends do it, my kids have seen it or heard the threats. So you should probaly also have a ready explanation for your child for when the inevitable happens.


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

Personally I'd wait to say anything unless she does it again. And then I'd definitley say something. But that's just me....I don't like conflict.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I don't get the "mulligan" reference. Anybody care to explain it?


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I don't get the "mulligan" reference. Anybody care to explain it?

In golf, you get one 'do-over' when you goof up or make a silly mistake, without negatively affecting your score


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## PreggieUBA2C (Mar 20, 2007)

I wouldn't ban the word 'spanking' in my home, but I would tell a friend that we don't threaten or actually hit each other here, so if it's a topic of discussion, that's fine and I'm all for it, but otherwise, please don't say or do that here. I would affirm that I know she's doing her best and raising her children the way she has chosen to do so, but where her values are in such direct conflict with our family values, I would prefer that they not be mentioned in front of my children.

I too love the do-over!


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## momofayden (Jan 8, 2007)

sorry to be "devil's advocate" but you were a little rude to her right when she walked in the door and then embarassed her infront of not only her child but the other ones in the class too. she might have momentarily forgotten her manners to say please because she had a really bad day or she may just be that type of person. I would be a little upset if someone "scolded" me infront of my child. Her retort was not necessarily acceptable but i think you caught her off guard and you should give her the benefit of the doubt. let bygones be bygones.


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## MidnightCafe (Oct 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momofayden* 
sorry to be "devil's advocate" but you were a little rude to her right when she walked in the door and then embarassed her infront of not only her child but the other ones in the class too. she might have momentarily forgotten her manners to say please because she had a really bad day or she may just be that type of person. I would be a little upset if someone "scolded" me infront of my child. Her retort was not necessarily acceptable but i think you caught her off guard and you should give her the benefit of the doubt. let bygones be bygones.









I'm a little confused about how the OP was rude? The little girl was rude to her mom & the OP redirected the little girl to be more polite. ...and it wasn't in front of a whole class:

Quote:

She's the only kid I care for right now and I like having her.
Having said that, though, I think I'd let it go unless it got to be a routine thing, especially since your own child doesn't know what the word spanking means right now. I think you did something really wonderful, though, in showing the mom a good way to redirect her child to better behavior without spanking.


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## haleyelianasmom (Nov 5, 2005)

I'd have to disagree with you, momofayden. I don't think it is rude to gently correct a child who is under your care even if they are in the process of transitioning over to their parent's care. If the mom has different views on how to correct her child, she could be open with the allgirls (for example, if she would rather have her daughter figure out what was wrong with that way of asking by herself without being corrected, that would be something to gently bring up with the caregiver).

While I really disagree with spanking, I don't think I would ban the use of the word "spank" in front of my daughter just because that's how the world is... People eat meat and I don't, people formula feed and I don't, people let their children scream and I don't. While I would never condone something I disagree with, I think it's important that dd learns that there are differences in how people do things. It's wrong, but some people are ill-informed and hit their kids.

Instead of banning the use of the word, could you gently talk to her about spanking? Maybe start by saying "so little ___ gets spankings at home? How is that working for you?" followed by "you know, I have some article/book/study I could lend to you that talks about agressive behavior/low self confidence/ whatever in children who were spanked and it says that spanking doesn't even really work in reducing unwanted behaviors in the long run. We've been trying (whatever gentle discipline you like best) and it has been working out really well"

Good luck, that's a really though one to bring up!


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

well do-overs is something we are really familiar with and my daycare child is as well..it was done in a light hearted way and kind of just came out...remember mom had just walked in and kid was excited. I hadn't transitioned yet either...and was still in caretaker mode.

I do do-overs often with her and my own kids...it's always done in an upbeat/funny way and this time was no different. And I don't think that a mom would think it rude that a child care provider was still in care-provider mode..I would think a good opportunity to see how the child was being cared for and disciplined.

There is no class..I care for one child..it's fun and she's a great kid.

As to banning the word spanking..I guess I am more thinking of banning threatening to spank. And while I realise my kids will eventually figure out what it is, I would prefer it not be in their own safe home that they experience this(either the threat or the actual spanking) home is their haven from that kind of thing.

I don't want to put it off because I don't want to risk her actually spanking her daughter in front of my children or me. I actually don't want to witness it either.

and btw since this happened I was driving through the town I used to live in and saw another mom just giving it to the bottom of a small child outside a business. I instinctively just laid it on the horn and made enough noise to interrupt her and to draw attention, she looked up, saw she was being watched( I also slowed wayyyyyyyyyyyy down and stared) She stopped, looked up, and started to put the child into her van. The sight of that so disturbed me I can't imagine how disturbed I would be if someone did this in my home.

I am so tired of people hitting little kids.

I haven't had a chance to address this with her yet but I will.

Thanks for all your advice.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momofayden* 
sorry to be "devil's advocate" but you were a little rude to her right when she walked in the door and then embarassed her infront of not only her child but the other ones in the class too.

I didn't say it to the mom, I said it to the child. There were no other children there.

[/QUOTE]she might have momentarily forgotten her manners to say please because she had a really bad day or she may just be that type of person.
[/QUOTE]

I am a little confused by this..it was the child who was bossing her mommy around

[/QUOTE]I would be a little upset if someone "scolded" me infront of my child.[/QUOTE]

I didn't "scold" anyone in any way...a do-ver is a light-hearted "uh, oh, oops" and in fact when I mess up I say it to myself...it helps the kids fix it without feeling bad that they made a mistake and makes light when a child is hard on themselves. I was speaking to the child NOT the mom so how could I be scolding the mom?

[/QUOTE]Her retort was not necessarily acceptable but i think you caught her off guard and you should give her the benefit of the doubt. let bygones be bygones[/QUOTE]

She didn't "retort" at all. She said it directly to her daughter. It was directly a warning for her benefit and not for me" In other words..if I hadn't given her the opportunity of the do-over and things had intensified she would have spanked her.

On further thought though I think she may just have been embarrassed by her child's behavior and wanted to be seen to be doing "something". at least I am hoping that's what it is and maybe she actually doesn't ever spank, just threatens. Which eases my mind somewhat. Since there really isn't anything I can do to stop her I would really rather not know.

and as an FYI, I would never be "rude" to someone in front of my children. Firm, yes, rude, nope.


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

I think momofadyden perhaps didn't understand who said what in the OP?

From my perspective, allgirls did nothing remotely inappropriate.


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