# My daughter is guilt tripping me..



## meowmix (Jul 14, 2005)

I mean that in the best way possible. But I am not sure how to handle it and hoping maybe some people can provide some insight for me. 

DD2 is the youngest. She's 10.5 right now. Her sister is 12 and her brother is 14. I am a mostly SAHM. I have done odd jobs here and there. I worked full time for a while but a family tragedy caused me to quit my job and stay home again (this was 3.5 years ago). I mentioned that but I really don't think it's what is coming into play here. I worked out of the home for 4 months and DD2 did not handle it well then, either.

This year we've had some change, too. My son started high school and is in cross country and so is gone pretty much all day. DD1 started middle school and is becoming more independent. She is academic and is in model UN and studies a lot. DD2 is the only one left at the elementary school. She doesn't see her sister there anymore. Her sister leaves for school at 6:45am and DD2 leaves for school at 8:55am. DD2 is also fairly academic and generally likes school but she has complained about her classes a lot this year. 

All my kids are self sufficient and independent. Or DD2 used to be. They have all stayed individually on their own for a period of time, maybe while I grocery shop or whatever. 

But now DD2 literally guilt trips me everytime I leave the house when she is there. I take my dog to training and have to leave 10 minutes before she does. Her friend is always over (they walk to school together) when I leave but DD2 still says things like "You ALWAYS have to leave before I do." and pouts. The same with the one day a week I do work. I have to leave at 8am. She has the option of going to stay with my friend because it's her day off. But that's not good enough. DD2 languishes and gets upset that I ALWAYS have to leave. She once called me crying to hard I had to go home to get her. Today I had a field trip for DD1's class and had to leave at 7:30am. I never really leave early. I prepared her for it. Said she could join me and walk to school when it was time if she wanted to. She got so completely upset.. she basically guilt trips me. I can't think of another way to put it. She tells me I'm never there.. I ALWAYS have to leave, etc etc. I told her her grandma would come over.. but then she gets mad that I've a big deal about her feelings and she'll say "Oh, well grandma doesn't need to come over!" The thing it.. she wants ME. And ME only. She has never been like this. We like to spend time together and we do. I am not a mom who is not around. I coach her field hockey with my husband. I am coach for her Odyssey of the Mind team. I help her with homework. WE play board games because she LOVES them (I do, too). I spend time with her browsing her latest on the internet (right now it's robot dogs like AIBO and logic puzzles and riddles). Then I will go to workout in the evening because I couldn't make it during the day and she makes these comments. 

I feel like I am supposed to act like her puppy. I should be just waiting around for her and that should be what I do. But the thing is.. she's not anxiously attached to me. She spends the night with her BFF. She plays constantly with friends. She goes on camping trips with the Girl Scouts. As long as it's on her terms she's fine. It's when *I* try to do anything.

Can anyone commiserate? Any advice? At this point I dread volunteering anywhere.. or *gasp* getting a job.. that would take me out of the home at any time where she may be home. I have tried talking with her outside of the situation but when we're in the situation, it's like we've never talked.


----------



## Melissa5 (Oct 5, 2015)

Hi,

From my point of you the cause of the problem seems to be in you. The rise of puberty causes in the youngsters to try to test their limits. If parents would let them, teens would treat their parents like little siblings. This psychological tendency is very important in order to become an adult. But obviously the parents have to set clear limits to remain in their parental role. I suppose the problem with your daughter occurs because you allow your daughter to make you feel guilty. If she wouldn't, you wouldn't have a problem with her. She feels that she has a bit power over you with this strategy. For that reason she increases her activity in this direction. If she realises the strategy does not make you feel guilty any more she will cease to try to make you feel guilty within a few weeks.


----------



## oldsmom (Jul 8, 2015)

I agree with Melissa5. This sounds like a control behavior. I don't think DD2 is trying to consciously manipulate you, but I do think she is grasping for a sense of control in her environment, and you seem to be the easiest path to achieve it. Especially if you engage her by responding to her when she whines, or defending your actions.

When I was her age, my mom and dad both worked full time, and I was also the youngest with two older teenage siblings. I was left at home if school was out. My mom would give me a list of chores to do to help out the household, and told me I need to learn to contribute. I remember occasionally calling my mom to whine about being bored, or lonely. Mom would tell me that if I was bored, she can give me more chores. If I started crying, she told me that if she had to come home, she would give me a REAL reason to cry. Mom would tell me boredom is healthy, and I need to figure out how to be okay finding my own entertainment.

DD2 may be different, but if she's similar, you may be reassured to know that I got through it. I love my mom, and now that I am older, I know she was doing the right thing.


----------



## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

It might feel to her that you _really_ are gone a lot. If you think that her perception does not match reality, try keeping a chart or something that shows how often you are gone when she is home. If it turns out you are gone a lot when she is home, I might try to change that. It seems like she is missing the family. OTOH, if you really are only gone once in a while when she is home, a chart might point that out to her. You might be able to have a conversation about how you really are home most of the time, but you do have/want to go out on occasion, and that is ok (more than ok - it is healthy).

I know this might not make a difference right now, but as someone who has 3 kids from 12-19, I can assure you this phase probably will not last much longer 

Can your husband step in at all when your daughter is being overly demanding and you need a break?


----------



## meowmix (Jul 14, 2005)

Thanks, Kathymuggle. I had actually written out a response to this post then MDC lost it when I posted it and I didn't have time to repost! I do think she is trying to find some control over her environment. What with her sister off at middle school, her brother in high school- they both have a lot of autonomy, responsibility and things they do on their own. DD2 and her sister played a lot last year but this year her sister is not always available to play. (Not to fear, her BFF practically lives at our house and is our neighbor). This year, DD2 also didn't get her BFF in class with her. She has never had the same teacher as her BFF and it's become a sore spot with both girls when they start school. So.. I think all this.. created some sort of desire to have SOMETHING go her way. And that's to complain to me that I'm never around whenever I have to leave. She's definitely not bored.

Kathymuggle: that's a good idea. We have been kind of keeping track of it. This weekend we all went apple picking during a school holiday (husband even took off work). Then we coached/watched her play field hockey for 2 hours. Then one day I took just her to the thrift store and the asian grocery store and then to eat at a cool restaurant. While we were eating I mentioned to her that sometimes she tells me that I ALWAYS am gone. So we talked about the things we did during the weekend with each other and I said "Now, I have to leave early to take badbordercollie to her training class on Tuesday. When I have to leave, please remember that I am not always gone." She gave me this rueful grin and was like "I know, mom.". This morning we played Horseolpoly before I left. This is all normal stuff we do. And when I left she gave me a huge hug and said bye with no issues. So I think she just does need a reminder sometimes. I'll keep a chart. We have a big whiteboard in the upstairs hall, that might work.

And I agree it passes so quickly! We have only made it to two of my son's cross country meets. His words when I apologized to him were "Yea, mom, it's fine. I don't know why you'd want to come out and watch me run for like 20 minutes and you can't even see me most of the time I'm running. Really, it's fine." LOL. We do, however, text between each other and we celebrate his time over text. heh


----------

