# Stillbirth



## AAL (Aug 30, 2008)

Hi,

I lost my baby last Saturday. I was full term and went into labor. I did everything by the book. I went to the hospital after my water broke and my contractions were 5 minutes a part. Everything was going well until we got to the hospital. That is when everything went wrong. The nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. Then the doctor came by and couldn't find the heartbeat. He walked away saying its not good. Then came back to tell us that the baby had passed. Gone! just like that...no explanation. I feel so hollow and destroyed. Why did this happen. We were supposed to deliver a healthy baby that day. I don't get it. I got to hold my baby to say good bye to kiss him. He was perfect. 9lbs 9oz. He looked just like my husband. I am so sad. I hope you don't mind me sharing. I am fed up of people telling me to be strong.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

i am so sorry. what did you name him? are you having a service? there are lots of resources here for stillbirths.
i wish you healing for yourself and your family.


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## Ackray (Feb 11, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## CanidFL (Jul 30, 2007)

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now.


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## Katica (Jan 13, 2008)

My heart is aching for you..So sorry for your loss.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Oh mama, my heart is breaking for you. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You feel however you need to....sad, angry, weak, helpless. Don't listen to those people, they have no idea how you feel and what you are going through. I am so sorry you are here, but there are many understanding women here. What did you name your son?


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## AAL (Aug 30, 2008)

It is nice to have the support from others.We are having a small service today for Arun (it's hard to write his name). Today we get to bring him home. Today is going to be extra tough.


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## MommyinMN (Oct 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AAL* 
It is nice to have the support from others.We are having a small service today for Arun (it's hard to write his name). Today we get to bring him home. Today is going to be extra tough.









Mama. I wish you peace.


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

I'm so sorry Mama! I can't imagine how difficult this is for you!


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm so sorry mama. I know that it is heartbreaking and there is no explanation. There is no reason for your beatiful baby boy to die. But I'll tell you two things 1) IT is not your fault. You did nothing wrong and 2) You DO NOT have to be strong. Your baby died. Please yell, scream, let the world know of your pain. It does no good to keep your emotions inside. Those people who are telling you to be strong have not had a full term loss. Try to be gentle with yourself and spend some time with Arun today. I hope you were able to take pictures of him and spend all the time you need with him. (((HUGS))) Please PM me or continue to write here and we will support you.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.









Take your own time to grieve, don't listen to others telling you to move on. You will always miss Arun.

It really helped me to know that there were other women who had gone through the same thing I was going through. I just felt so alone, and no one understood. Talking helped a lot. I'm just so sorry. I hate to see anyone go through this.







If you feel comfortable sharing a picture, we would love to see it. That was another thing I wanted to do after my dd was stillborn. I was still a proud mom who wanted to share pictures. Didn't matter that she wasn't alive, I felt the need to share her.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




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## PGNPORTLAND (Jul 9, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you.


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## starparticle (Jun 30, 2005)

He has such a beautiful name.

I am so sorry. I've been there and know all the comments can really hurt. I hope the service is peaceful and you have some time to be with him.


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## ctdoula (Dec 26, 2002)

I am so very very sorry for the loss of your sweet Arun!


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Momma......

Keeping your sweet baby boy Arun in my thoughts








Arun


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## feminist~mama (Mar 6, 2002)

I'm so sorry mama! I can't imagine anything harder!


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## soulshine (Feb 2, 2007)

Quote:

I was full term and went into labor. I did everything by the book. I went to the hospital after my water broke and my contractions were 5 minutes a part. Everything was going well until we got to the hospital. That is when everything went wrong. The nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. Then the doctor came by and couldn't find the heartbeat. He walked away saying its not good. Then came back to tell us that the baby had passed. Gone! just like that...no explanation.
..basically, the same thing happened to me. it is so sad, and confusing, and you do not have to be strong, you can be in shock and depressed and hollow for as long as it takes... that's the only way to do it... day by day.

connecting to other moms who lost their babies in the same way helped/helps me immensely. when we lost our little girl, i had no idea this could happen in this day and age, i was healthy, did everything 'right' and yet still my baby died. no warning. but then i went online and found mdc, realized that there were actually many many women and families who this happens to every day. i didn't feel so freakish and alone, and there is much love and support to be had and shared amongst these women. reach out, because in my experience, grieving alone was so much worse than grieving with others who were walking my same exact path.

wishing you much peace and comfort... and continue to talk about and love arun with all of your heart... that was the one thing that eased my pain in her loss... i could really love her, even though she was not with me. i just poured out my love for her, and it helped. i'm so sorry, there is nothing worse than saying goodbye. i said goodbye 3+ years ago, but she has not left me, she is with me every day and night, into my very soul and the core of my being, we are together, just as you and arun are. mother and son.








arun


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Arun. beautiful.

How was yesterday? How are you doing today? numb I'm sure. I lost Micah @ 40 weeks 10 pounds 10 ounces in April. I do know what you are going through and I'm sorry you have to go through it at all. please be gentle with yourself. I Hope you have lots of support.

huge huge huge way too empathetic hugs to you.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Hugs, mama. Be gentle with yourself during the grief process, it takes a long time. We are here in cyberspace if you need us.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

honey i have been thinking of you since i read your post. i cannot possibly understand exactly what youre going through. all of us with a loss have such different experiences. i had some warning, i cant imagine what it must have been like without it.

these gals speak the truth. there isnt a right way or a wrong way to go through this. know you are probably in shock right now and let yourself have all your emotions and everything you need. if you can or want to, let people take care of you no matter how ackwardly they do it.

and know you are definately not alone. there is a very compassionate and beautiful sisterhood of women who have been through something like youve been through. there is a lot of love for you, from people you dont even know. you will get through this, in your own way. all my prayers for you and your family and your beautiful baby.


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## AlmightyIsis (Jul 24, 2008)

You are allowed your grief on your terms, in your own time. He's your baby and you are his mother. I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. May you find comfort in love and support from your friends and family as well as from the online world.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Arun








I'm so, so sorry for your loss, mama. I lost my first little one in almost the exact same way, as have too many other women here.
Doing the hard work of grieving IS being strong and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Please lean on us for support on this difficult road.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

I'm so sorry, mama. I also did everything right and my baby still died. It remains unbelievable to me. I was in labor, had a crash C-section, and woke up to find my dead baby. 7 lbs 11oz. I'm glad that you were able to spend time with Arun. Please feel free to share more with all of us. I will be thinking of you.


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. Be gentle to yourself.


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

I'm so sorry


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

AAL, I am so sorry for your shock, and great loss.







Arun









Please know that you are not alone, and that you need not grieve by anybody else's timetable except your own. Take all the time you need and do whatever you feel you need to do.

My heart is with you. And we are always here should you need ears, and a shoulder to lean on...


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## akwifeandmomma (Aug 13, 2005)

I am so very sorry.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

thinking of you and crying with you....


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## michanders4 (Jul 24, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## AAL (Aug 30, 2008)

It is helpful reading all the different notes. I am very grateful. I am sorry for all the mums that have experienced the loss of a baby.

Today I feel like an ar$e because I had a good day. I laughed and didn't have the horrible scene replaying in my head every 5 minutes. It has only been two weeks! What is wrong with me? Maybe today was easier because I have incredible support from family and friends. Most of the time i want to be alone, but they don't let me.

To be honest I feel numb. I really don't know what to think. A few days ago I was a mess. Yesterday I was really angry. I read online that these emotions are part of the grieving process.


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## jsmith2279 (Jan 12, 2007)

Arun









It's so unfair.


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## lovemybubus (Oct 2, 2007)

I am so, so sorry. I just can't understand myself why these things happen. I am sending much peace and love your way, for you and your family.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AAL* 
Today I feel like an ar$e because I had a good day. I laughed and didn't have the horrible scene replaying in my head every 5 minutes. It has only been two weeks! What is wrong with me? Maybe today was easier because I have incredible support from family and friends. Most of the time i want to be alone, but they don't let me.

To be honest I feel numb. I really don't know what to think. A few days ago I was a mess. Yesterday I was really angry. I read online that these emotions are part of the grieving process.

Yes, those are all completely normal emotions. It's normal to feel "normal" sometimes. I truly think our minds and hearts need a break sometimes. And it's definitely normal to be happy one day and in the pit the next. I've been all over the place in the last four and 1/2 months since my daughter Audrey was born still. Sometimes I want to take a break and avoid grieving websites and looking at pictures. Sometimes I want to cry so I look at her photos and reach out to others. It's all normal, whatever you need to do. My best advice is to do things that are healing, and that includes both laughing and crying.

Huge hugs to you.







I wish things were different for us all. I'm praying for you.

Peace to you,
Kathleen


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AAL* 
It is helpful reading all the different notes. I am very grateful. I am sorry for all the mums that have experienced the loss of a baby.

Today I feel like an ar$e because I had a good day. I laughed and didn't have the horrible scene replaying in my head every 5 minutes. It has only been two weeks! What is wrong with me? Maybe today was easier because I have incredible support from family and friends. Most of the time i want to be alone, but they don't let me.

To be honest I feel numb. I really don't know what to think. A few days ago I was a mess. Yesterday I was really angry. I read online that these emotions are part of the grieving process.

Be gentle with yourself, AAL. And remember that you did nothing wrong. It is obvious that you love your son with your whole heart and would have done anything to keep him safe...if only we had known how to keep our babies safe, we would have done it.

Grief comes in waves...sometimes I feel OK, sometimes I'm back in a pit. It's your body and mind's way of dealing with the pain. Try not to judge yourself, instead let yourself feel whatever emotions come.

I went back to work 5 weeks after my son died and I was numb and distracted and confused for a long time. I think I was in shock for the first 2 months or so. It has taken a long time to feel somewhat normal. I would wake up every morning and immediately remember when I woke up from surgery and was told that Baker died. Mornings were really tough for me for a long time. DH and I have been seeing a therapist who has experience counseling parents who've lost babies. Our sessions have been enormously helpful to me. I like that they are designated times when it's OK to talk about our son.

Arun is lucky to have you as his mama. Was he your firstborn?


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss. I have to say it reminds me so much of my own. I had no clue my daughter was not alive until she came out, my daughter was also 9.9oz so this is like reading my story all over again. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

hey momma,
first, my heart breaks for your loss. and i am deeply sorry for you and the pain you feel about the death of your son.

we lost our daughter Rain at 41 weeks, 7 lbs 7 oz....she will have her (would have her) 2nd birthday soon. i plan on getting a tattoo of her name on my wrist, so i can carry her with me.

i got pregnant again right away, 4 months after her death.
(unexplained placental infection was the cause).
so i was almost ready to give birth to my son on her first birthday....that was an incredibly intense time of my life...mourning her and making him at the same time.

i remember when we found out he was a boy (20 week US) my first reaction was grief...i had been secretly wanting a girl...hoping to have rain come back...giving us all a re-do....i lost her all over again that day...it really hit me: rain is GONE and she is not coming back.

don't get me wrong, i rejoice in my son, i adore him, he has been my biggest gift from god after i lost rain.

but the pain (coming up on her 2nd birthday) is so intense, it is so raw, so wild, and consuming.....a part of me will always, always, always, always be screaming out into the universe....wailing out her name, searching for her....

i am a happy satisfied woman and mother

i have made peace with god, nature, rain and my own self about her death

it does not take the pain away...time eases it and lessons it though

i am sharing all of this in the hope that my pain can ease your pain.

you are not alone or unheard

this is what helped me heal:
a good counselor (for me and my family)
mdc forum here
yoga
long walks
enjoying anything i could that you can't do preg/or with a young baby
journal
CRY SCREAM MOAN
got some body work
saw a homeopath
did some purification diets, teas, and fasts
prayed
researched still birth
talked to other people who lost babies
cut off communication with people who were not supportive to my grief process
and right after she died we left town and and spent almost 6 weeks in isolation at my parent's in rural WV

to celebrate her birthday this year (besides the tattoo) we will have cake...my 5 year old has been making her cards and gifts...i have an old old baby's grave at my church that i visit (Rain is buried up in the woods at my family home)
and
my husband takes the day off work and we spend the whole day celebrating our love for each other and the beauty of life...we appreciate all the ways in which her short and dramatic life and death have made an impact on our lives and spiritual growth. we imagine what she would look like, say, like...etc

anyway.

love to you and your family.
there is no right or easy way to do this process and (i believe) b/c of your child's death you have been chosen to walk a very holy sacred path of motherhood and life...this emptiness of this loss can be filled with a deep and rich inner fullness.

and my most cherished piece of advice from this time period i received was:
as deep as your pain is now, to the same proportion someday, will be your capacity to feel joy.

and it is so true....the instant i saw the positive pregnancy test for my son or the moment i heard his first cry....that joy was triple my sorrow.

i wish you a quiet time of sorrow and healing.
then i wish you a future of joy and light.

peace be with you and may god hold you in his (her) hands.


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## cmiller97211 (Jun 18, 2008)

I'm so very sorry. I experienced the very same thing on June 4th, 08. Our daughter Olivia died. If you need to email, feel free. It's an absolutely unexplainable pain, for that I am so sorry.


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## My4Monkeys (Jul 10, 2007)

I don't know what to say except that I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

oh mama, it's heartbreaking









I'm so sorry people are telling you to be strong... I remember after my son died that absolutely nothing felt as it should have been. You don't need to be strong, you just need to get through each minute of each day.








Arun


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## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

Words cannot express how sad I am for you and your family.
Hugs is all I have to offer.

And no, you don't have to be strong. You should be sad. Hopefully in time you can find some grief group to help work through the awful pain and sadness.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

AAL,

Please grieve for Arun however feels right for you -
and for as long as you need to.
I am so very sorry for your loss Mama.


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## natty529 (May 4, 2007)

i couldnt read and not post...
i cannot imagine how you must feel mama.








i wish there was somethingou that i could say or do to help you feel better, to help you find peace!

you and your family are in my prayers


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## azamazon (Sep 26, 2008)

I understand. It does NOT make sence, I still feel empty. It kills me everyday to go outside and see pregnant women. Hear the cry of a lil baby! Did you find out, or are you going to find out what went wrong! The ONLY comfort I could even feel was knowing that I could still have more and I WAS healthy! Please know you are NOT alone! *HUGS-U-TIGHTLY*

A grieving Mother of stillborn Identical twins 8-19-08 Azamazon


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## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

i am so sorry..







hold arun close to your heart and don't worry about how long it takes...you will never forget him, and there is no need to be strong for anyone else, not even for yourself right now...


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

I am so very sorry for your loss


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