# Period/Underwear ? UPDATE! post 95



## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

What do those of you with teenage daughters do when you find bloody underwear in the laundry? It really grosses me out to be taking laundry out of the hamper and find really bloody (and I am not just talking a spot or two) underwear.

Yes, I have spoken to her about this (several times) and given her options of things to do.

dm


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## giftedwith2 (Apr 4, 2007)

Maybe you could have her try putting her underwear in one of those mesh laundry bags that are used for delicates. You (or she)could then toss the whole bag into the wash without having to touch anything individually.

For a while I had my kids sort their own laundry into individual baskest-White basket for whites, yellow for lights blue for darks etc. On their laundry day or the day I was doing a certain color they would just bring that color basket to the washer and dump it in. Honestly Dest is old enough that I'd have her doing some of her own laundry- at least her own delicates especially if she isn't being considerate about the hygeinic aspects of it. I'd make a certain day of the week her wash day and set restrictions on other activities she enjoys until at least she'd started the washing machine. From your other posts it doesn't sound like consideration for your feelings ( at this point) is going to motivate her to take care of her soiled laundry respectfully on her own.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

By the time I got my period, I had been doing all my own laundry for a couple years.

Show her how, and make her laundry her responsibility. When she runs out of clean clothes and underwear, she'll make the effort to do it on her own.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Once I did ask Desta to put her bloody underwear in a bag and then dump it into the washer before she went to school on the designated day.

When she came to me and complained of having no clean underwear, we searched her room and found a bag of moldy bloody underwear stuffed behind her toilet. uke

I am all for having her do her own laundry, but dh doesn't feel comfortable with that because we are trying to integrate her into the family and he feels that if she is the only one in the family for whom I don't do laundry, she will feel even more "outside." I don't really see it that way, so I continue to lobby for her to do her own laundry.

Keep your ideas coming, please!

dm


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## Mommy2Austin (Oct 10, 2006)

Maybe instead of doing ALL her laundry make her only responsible for the delicates and personal stuff.

Or teach her to rinse out her underwear if they get bloody so at least it doesn't just sit in a hamper.

Hope you can find a solution that works!!

It's good that she puts her clothes in the hamper though.....my adult DH can't even seem to do that


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## TattooedMommy (Aug 11, 2006)

I have this same problem with my daughter. She is 17 now and has had her period since she was 10. I've talked and talked to her about it and I just don't get it. How can you stand that feeling of dirty underwear? It's just so gross. I'll be honest with you, she is now starting to do not only her laundry, but the whole families because she won't stop with the bloody panties and no one else is going to touch them.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Why is she regularly getting bloody underwear? Is it happening when her period starts, and she's not aware? Or is she not using protection reliably? Or is her protection leaking?

This just rarely happens around our house.... a few small spots, maybe, but not really bloody.

And my daughter has also done her own laundry for many years, just as another data point for your husband...







Maybe you could try to get your younger kids more involved in doing their own as well? Probably not the whole job, but parts of it... and then it wouldn't seem like Desta is the only one.

Dar


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommy2Austin* 
Or teach her to rinse out her underwear if they get bloody so at least it doesn't just sit in a hamper.

Tried that, too.

Quote:

It's good that she puts her clothes in the hamper though.....my adult DH can't even seem to do that








This is a 50/50 shot. She is a laundry hoarder, and she has been known on more than 10 occasions to dump several loads of laundry into the hamper at once and then have a fit that her favorite shirt wasn't washed by the next day. I have told her that, if she puts her laundry in the hamper regularly, I am happy to do it for her, but if she hoards and dumps, she's on her own.

Quote:

Why is she regularly getting bloody underwear? Is it happening when her period starts, and she's not aware? Or is she not using protection reliably? Or is her protection leaking?
I am not really sure what the problem is. I have asked her on multiple occasions, and I get the standard, "I don't know" response (which, btw, is against the rules of her new therapy program







). I have bought her a plethora of different sizes and shapes of pads, and I have talked to her about the importance of changing frequently, and when she is home I even remind her (which really pisses her off, honestly), but it continues to happen. I am considering asking her best friend to talk to her about it, or our friend who takes her to church twice a month. Maybe we can all sit down and talk about it together.

I don't get my period because I have an IUD, but even when I did I used cloth pads, which Desta can't do. I have suggested both tampons and the Diva cup to Desta and she was completely horrified by both suggestions.

dm


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## caudex (Dec 7, 2007)

I was really conscientious about rinsing mine out cos I didn't want them to stain, but especially when I first started, I wouldn't use the options my mother had cos I didn't like how they felt. The pads felt too bulky and tampons hurt, and I kinda wanted to pretend I didn't have it. So I'd go without as much as I could, use toilet paper, go to the bathroom a lot, and basically do anything to pretend that I could get away with using nothing. So my underwear was always soaked to the point of being ruined, til I finally asked my mom to help me get something that would work better.

It doesn't address your DD not washing them, but if they are getting SO bloody, is she not using protection, and is there a reason? Maybe she's uncomfortable with it and doesn't want to talk about it. Is there another option she'd be more willing to use?


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## lanamommyphd07 (Feb 14, 2007)

If one makes a big deal out of it, it will likely continue to be a problem. I know as a kid I was totally embarassed to put my bloody underwear, rinsed or not, in the laundry. I took a tupperware and soaked them under my bed








Yeah, we can all guess how that turned out...
Anyway, there is a chance that after a while, she will find her rhythm with pad changing and being aware of the whole thing, or maybe this won't happen until college. who knows.... in the meantime can they just go in the wash? They'll be clean albeit stained...
If she's not being mindful, one slip up at school or in public---a leak-through--will do it for sure!


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
. I have suggested both tampons and the Diva cup to Desta and she was completely horrified by both suggestions.

dm


Does she have pads with "wings"? (Always is one brand that makes them.) Those are much easier on the underwear!


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## sparklefairy (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
What do those of you with teenage daughters do when you find bloody underwear in the laundry? It really grosses me out to be taking laundry out of the hamper and find really bloody (and I am not just talking a spot or two) underwear.

Yes, I have spoken to her about this (several times) and given her options of things to do.

dm

I don't have any teenage daughters AND my not-yet-teenage daughter has not begun to menstruate.

Is menstrual blood the only thing about your family's laundry that grosses you out?

I was taught and then expected to do my own laundry before I had my first period. I was sufficiently bothered by the notion of wearing dirty clothing to be responsible for it, though.

I suspect that my kids might not be motivated by shame. I expect to do more teaching than I needed.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

dharmamama.....................IMO if she is old enough to menestrate she is old enough to do laundry.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

It wouldn't bug me at all. I would never bring it up, either. It's such a natural thing and I'd be so embarrassed/ashamed if someone brought that up to me.

Can she do her own laundry? Or, can she at least separate it and have it ready to be washed so you can just dump it in and not have to go through it?


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Does she have pads with "wings"? (Always is one brand that makes them.) Those are much easier on the underwear!

They still leak.
I tried EVERYTHING as a teen, and only tampons worked. And the box asid not to use them a tnight. SO a tnight, I'd put down a plastic sheet on the bed, over my sheets. I wore plastic lined underwear, and the biggest pad I could find. I'd still get blood on the sheets sometimes.

My mom just washed all the laundry. However, we had no dryer, and no automatic wahser. She had a [protabel washer she put up to the sink, so she didn't want it used whenever during the day. So me doing laundry wasn't an option. I'd have much preferred to do my own, if we'd had a proper washer & dryer.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

BTW, would she use cloth pads? I rarely get stains with them.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ananas* 
BTW, would she use cloth pads? I rarely get stains with them.

No, she can't. She has HIV, and the best option for her (as we discussed with several of her healthcare providers) is something disposable.

dm


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

what about a bucket of soapy water by her toilet? When she is having her period, you could set it up, she can drop them in there and at the end of the week, send her to fetch it and dump it in the wash.. this does not exlude her, prevents you from discovering them, and includes her in the process.

eta: furthermore, if she isnt putting her laundry in her basket regularly, I would send her x times a week to gather and bring it to the laundry room. I tell my 4 and 6 year old now to gather and put their laundry in their basket every couple of days, at least this way you aren't doing it yourself and if she gets upset you can simply tell her you will stop asking her to do it when she remembers on her own.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ananas* 
It wouldn't bug me at all. I would never bring it up, either. It's such a natural thing and I'd be so embarrassed/ashamed if someone brought that up to me.

I'm sorry, I don't follow this line of reasoning. You would be embarrassed and ashamed if someone tried to help you figure out the best way to handle your period and care for your clothing? It's not like I came at with an attitude of "How disgusting! Why don't you do something about this??" I used to get my period, too. I know what it's like. I have leaked before. I'd really like to help her with it, and I'd also like to help her keep her underwear from being ruined. I was kind and sensitive about it. Yeah, periods can be embarrassing when you're 13, but ... you learn how to handle it appropriately.

dm


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## 2crazykids (Jun 19, 2005)

OK, here's what you should do:

1. Tell her you are going to the store to buy her every size/type of pad you can find, get her some tampons, get her a diva cup, whatever. Tell her she's welcome to come along. At the same time buy her a bunch of new underwear, again she can come along and choose or she can just stay home and get what she gets. Put them in her room and be done with it.

2. Count out the number of panties and tell her here we are starting with this many and you need to keep track of how many you have.

3. Tell her that she will not have ANY underwear washed that are soaked in blood, she will need to rinse them and put them in the hamper, but if they are gross (IYO) and bloody they will get tossed. That's it. End of discussion.

4. Don't tell her you've thrown them out just go on with your lives.

5. When she runs out take her to the store and her HER buy herself new undies, again, count (just to keep track for arguments sake, everyone needs to have the same information) how many and start again.

Hopefully, over time you will see improvement. Quite frankly, her behavior with this problem seems awfully disrespectful. There is no reason for her to be this gross. How is she being enabled to behave this way?


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Would brainstorming solutions to this in therapy be helpful? There might be some underlying issue that is causing her to not use pads (does she never use them or does her period start unexpectedly like it does for many teens?) or to not change them often enough to catch leaks. If she is supposed to use disposable products due to her HIV, is she putting you at risk by leaving her underwear in the hamper like that?


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz* 
is she putting you at risk by leaving her underwear in the hamper like that?

In theory, yes she is, but in practice, I think the risk is pretty negligible. I just find it really gross to have bloody underwear hanging around and to have to handle bloody underwear. Menstrual blood may be the most natural thing in the world, but bloody underwear is still gross.

dm


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## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

You mentioned in an earlier post that she is in therapy already. Could this be brought up at therapy to as something to work on?

I like the idea of keeping a bucket of soapy water by her toilet so she can drop bloody underwaer into it as she takes them off. That is a good first step in solving the problem.


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## debbieh (Apr 22, 2007)

I had this problem with my dd once or twice. What I did was to call her downstairs immediately, hand her the underware and have her wash it out right then and there. After a couple of times of being interrupted in the middle of "doing something really important", she began to remember BEFORE I had to call her.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ananas* 
It wouldn't bug me at all. I would never bring it up, either. It's such a natural thing and I'd be so embarrassed/ashamed if someone brought that up to me.

Can she do her own laundry? Or, can she at least separate it and have it ready to be washed so you can just dump it in and not have to go through it?

I've never been bothered by it either. Some girls do have very heavy periods. We;ve had to change products and experiment. Dd no longer uses cloth, fi. My children sometimes to their own laundry and sometimes dh or I do laundry. That's a good thing to teach. Very handy! lol I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, however. It's just menstrual blood.

The hiding of the undies might mean she feels embarassed or uncomfortable. But that should pass as she becomes older. I'd remind her that it's OK and natural and not to worry. I keep Spray and Wash handy.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I'm sorry, I don't follow this line of reasoning. You would be embarrassed and ashamed if someone tried to help you figure out the best way to handle your period and care for your clothing? It's not like I came at with an attitude of "How disgusting! Why don't you do something about this??" I used to get my period, too. I know what it's like. I have leaked before. I'd really like to help her with it, and I'd also like to help her keep her underwear from being ruined. I was kind and sensitive about it. Yeah, periods can be embarrassing when you're 13, but ... you learn how to handle it appropriately.

dm

Of course, and sometimes it takes time. Maybe when you know she is having her period you can remind her or go to her room and give her the wet or mesh bag?

Maybe I am lax, but I never thought about having dd rinse her undeies before they are washed. I usually spray them if I notice and she does too(and we also have had to toss a couple of pairs here and there...I just never thought about it). I've also hung stained clothing in the yard in the sun...and/or used oxy clean. Honestly, as heavy as her periods are, I never felt grossed out by the clothing. I would be concerned with the hiding... that's a trickier issue.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shantimama* 
I like the idea of keeping a bucket of soapy water by her toilet so she can drop bloody underwaer into it as she takes them off. That is a good first step in solving the problem.

I like that! I am going to do that.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom* 
I would be concerned with the hiding... that's a trickier issue.

Desta hides anything that she doesn't want to take care of: dirty dishes, dirty clothes, homework, overdue library books, things she's borrowed, etc. It's her way of handling things: out of sight, out of mind. I'm not overly worried about the psychological implications of hiding her dirty underwear, 'cause that's just her MO.

And I still think bloody underwear is gross.









dm


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

With the added information, I wonder, does she ned more information on what's happening? Maybe a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, or some other book that explains the changes happening in her body?


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

here's what I would do...
I'd say "sweetie, I found some panties that were a little bit icky in the wash today and I almost stuck my hand right in it!!!" Then I'd say..."You know, that has happened to me too, and if you don't rinse the stain out pretty quickly, your panties will be ruined, and it's going to be up to you to buy yourself replacements" I'd let her know that accidents do happen, but that she needs to just take some responsibility to try and clean up after herself when it does. My daughters rinse theirs, and if the stain doesn't come out, they soak them in the sink, and I deal with it later...and they always tell me "mom, sorry...but there's a little present in the sink for you"....and I always retort with "Gee thanks....I'll jump right ON that one!" but at least they let me know, and they have taken some measures to remedy the situation.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *_betsy_* 
With the added information, I wonder, does she ned more information on what's happening? Maybe a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, or some other book that explains the changes happening in her body?

I bought her the American Girl book about bodies (I forget what it's called) and read that with her. Plus she had classes on periods and whatnot in Ethiopia. She knows what's going on.

dm


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I don't sort laundry.......It all gets dumped in together and washed in cold.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I don't think she is. But she *is*

Have you tried putting pads on the underwear for her- like keep a drawer full of undies with the pads in place so she doesn't have to think about it in the mornings? I also wonder if she'd benefit from wearing disposable pantyliners daily-or maybe even thin maxipads daily- this might keep her in the habit of wearing pads, and make the routine "not so much different" when she has her period.

oh I like this idea


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## kathirynne (Dec 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
...IMO, the tricky thing about this situation is that Desta is chronologically and physically 13, but mentally much younger. She just doesn't have the coping tools that a "typical" 13yo would have- and I personally suspect that part of Desta's problem is that she's just not ready to cope with puberty because of everything else she's dealt with in her life so far- losing both parents, moving halfway around the world and trying to fit into a completely new culture, all on top of her physical health issues....









: Exactly.

Ruthla, will you translate all my posts from now on? You say what I'm trying to say, only much more clearly!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
Desta has RAD. I *know* her problems weren't solved by being adopted. And I don't like bloody underwear in the laundry.









dm









Sorry- this actually made me laugh out loud.







And I think it's quite reasonable. I like Ruthla's idea about pre-padding undies. No clue if it would help, but it's creative and something new to try.

Is the blood on sides/front/back from leaking pads? Or center from not wearing one when she needed one?

-Angela


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Hey, kotex used to make disposable underwear to save your undies if your pad leaked, and they were slightly absorbant themselvs.....but they didn't crinkle or make noise like a diaper...very trim fit just like regular undies. I used them post partum for my first child to keep from wrecking sheets and clothing at night for a few days.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Is the blood on sides/front/back from leaking pads? Or center from not wearing one when she needed one?

Ya know, I'm going to have to admit that I haven't examined them that closely.









dm


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

http://oopsdisposablepanties.com/

http://www.tagalongs.ca/Splash.aspx

http://www.underworks.com/health/460.html

These would be great to use while she's on her period, and you can wash the unsoiled ones, and toss the soiled.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
Ya know, I'm going to have to admit that I haven't examined them that closely.









dm

That might speak more to the actual issue. If she's choosing not to wear pads, that's one thing. With pads I ALWAYS leaked at night because I slept on my stomach... so there may be a specific solution for whatever the problem is. If it's leaking on the sides, she may need bigger pads or to change more often. If it's front and or back it may be positioning.

I know that problem solving with Desta is like trying to get a dog to participate in a debate...







but I would try to identify the problem in order to choose a good solution. She certainly doesn't have the maturity to problem-solve this if it's beyond just not taking care of business (which it of course may well be...)










Can't blame you for not wanting to deal with bloody undies though.

-Angela


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

http://www.bannertherapy.com/Product...&number=06-977

AHA!!! 6pack for 2.55


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Thanks to everyone for all the ideas and suggestions. I wish that we could occasionally have issues where it's just "she does A, I respond B, and all's well." Ahhhh, a girl can dream right?









I think that, before I make the leap to disposable underwear, I will offer the soapy-water-in-a-bucket idea to her. I do know that she wears pads because I occasionally find them on the back of the toilet (wrapped, just not discarded). I don't think it's an issue of her not wearing pads. She will tell me when she's running low and needs new ones. I think it's just a matter of leaking, probably at night. When she leaks on her sheets, she washes them (by her own choice), so I am not sure why the underwear doesn't get its fair share of attention.

Also, because she seems to need a concrete consequence (not because I get off on "punishing" her or something), I think that I will also let her know that bloody underwear will be returned to her for a pre-soak. I'll probably buy some Spray&Wash or something similar for her, too. She has a sink and tub in her bathroom, so she can take care of them in there.


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## HikeYosemite (Jan 21, 2006)

The bucket of soapy water is a good idea, but you probably know that you should make sure it is cold water from the start. Warm or hot water sets blood. I've always pre-soaked my leaks (from night-time) in the bathroom sink in cold water, but that is because I have a bathroom private from the kids. It really helps to scrub the stains with soap. When the bloodstain is out, the underwear or other clothes (if the underwear has stains, then do some of the clothes as well?) can then be washed in warm or hot water if you wish. If Desta wants her underwear to be pretty and clean-looking again--much nicer to wear than underwear with set blood stains--she will want to do this.

My 12-yo son has always hid things he doesn't want to deal with. I'm amazed at the trouble he's gone to, stuffing dirty underwear in remote corners under furniture just to avoid walking down the hall to the hamper. Or leaving candy wrappers behind his bed because he didn't want to walk 10 feet to the trash can in the next room. Maybe I'm wrong, but in his case I also call this "laziness."


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Dharmamama...don't go yet..you haven't heard what I have to say on this
















I have a 13 year old who is completely developmentally ok and she does this. I have spoken with her but it doesn't help. With her it's the "surprise, i wasn't expecting that' underwear and the "leaked around the edges" underwear and also pads left unwrapped, on the floor etc.

I am just working with her to get this fixed because it just bothers me and I just feel it has to stop at some point.

I like the part about "soapy water in a bucket" because that's basically what I do except I tell her to throw them in the diaper bucket. We have a laundry room upstairs accross the hall from her bedroom that has a toilet/sink that is basically her washroom. So she is to toss them in the bucket and I wash them with the cloth diapers. She's not 100% but it's better.

so maybe you could give that a try.

I think this is just something some kids do. And something they have to be taught not to do. My oldest would have been mortified had anyone seen her messy underwear, this one doesn't care at all.

Good luck!


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## JenBuckyfan (Nov 30, 2007)

Ugh I can relate... I got my period the summer before 5th grade and boy did it flow! I would go through pads like there was no tomorrow. I wore those super big ones and I still had problems. Even when I switched to super duper tampons and a pad, at night I would leak. During the time when my period was so heavy, my mom bought another thin mattress pad for my bed that would help protect my mattress, and I would typically put a towel underneath where my bottom half would be to help soak up any leaking. My mom did almost all of my laundry (at least when I was in 5th and 6th grade), but when my underwear would get blood on them, I would rinse them under cold water in the sink to get as much of the blood out as I could. Then I'd hang them over the shower rod so they would dry some and not get everything else in the hamper wet. I was always frustrated about leaking and always nervous that whenever I went anywhere I'd leak (likely stemmed from the fact that the very first day of 5th grade I had my period and thank goodness a red/black dress on as I leaked that day and blood was all over my dress and desk seat -- I'm still embarrassed for myself for that one!). I hated to talk about it with my mom because I was embarrassed that I was ruining my undies - she knew I wasn't trying to though so that helped. I think if you can get her to at least rinse them, as it sounds like you're going to do, that would help. Maybe if she washes her sheets when she's leaked, she can throw in her undies at the same time.


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## zipworth (Jun 26, 2002)

FWIW, I support you in your desire not to deal with bloody underwear.


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## zipworth (Jun 26, 2002)

Oh, my mom would haul me into the bathroom on occasion and stand over my should while I rinsed with cold water, and scrubbed with a sunlight laundry bar. Ivory soap works well too. It's actually a very practical-life skill to learn how to remove stains. I find it empowering







.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

FYI, hydrogen peroxide is awesome for bloodstains - my midwife used it, and I find it works really well. It fizzes, too, which is kind of neat and satisfying: fizz, bubble, blood's gone! Don't know if it would help to have a bottle of it in the bathroom for her to use, or if the bucket of cold water is more practical if she would rather just ignore the problem as soon as possible...


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

oooo... the hydrogen peroxide tip is cool. I should have thought of that









She might like playing with it fizzing...









-Angela


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## chiromamma (Feb 24, 2003)

DH does all our laundry..yes, yes he is a dreamboat!








Anyway, he won't even think of scrubbing bloody pants so DD and I each have a set of period undies and a set of unstained ones.


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## heidirk (Oct 19, 2007)

Baking soda works too, for stains. My mom never did bloody undies either. I know when I started I was seriously freaked by all that blood. I like the soaking bucket idea too. Maybe one with a lid?

I'd go to Lunapads.com, and look at the little rituals women have for their cloth pads, some are really neat, maybe you can apply them to her undies. Being a recent convert to cloth myself, I find the pretty colors and dark fabrics nice, and much less shocking when soaked. These have a feature where you can peel off the dirty layer and have a fresh surface, maybe that'd work for her even with hiv.

Even though I 'knew' what to expect and my mom never tried to scare me, Getting my period was still pretty traumatic for me, and I leaked all over myself and my seat one day at school too.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Several posts have been removed for going off topic, let's please keep this thread to the original topic


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## Mrs. Cheerful Face (Apr 4, 2006)

There certainly are a lot of inspiring ideas floating around here!!! I was just wondering about her passive aggressive actions. I see her feeling ashamed... and yet angry (on many levels, I'm sure). Perhaps we can retrace our steps? Is it possible to approach this permanant cycling from a place of detachment, yet with honor?
I am thinking of something you two as women could create to restore a sense of reverence and "magic?" Creating connections between you, yet honoring her unique sense of self? I see you mentioned you weren't cycling right now, but maybe you could connect with her about being female and its mystical history, or should I say herstory? Goddess tales are so great for connecting... Maybe you will stumble apon a goddess that speaks to her soul?

If not, why not just do what my friend did for a while and put panties on the grocery list and choose to practice a detatchment about this issue, " I see you don't care to put any thought into this issue right now, so neither will I (all without judgement). Please share with me how we can live together with this issue not creating distance between us. I'm here."

HTH- walk in peace and loving kindness


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## JenBuckyfan (Nov 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chiromamma* 
DH does all our laundry..yes, yes he is a dreamboat!








Anyway, he won't even think of scrubbing bloody pants so DD and I each have a set of period undies and a set of unstained ones.


I'm chiming in again to say that I actually do this for myself. Over time I have some older underwear that I have kept around for the sole purpose of wearing to bed when my period is in residence for the week. If she's not having issues during the day, this would be another option at night so at least she's not going through all of her undies.


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## Sk8ermaiden (Feb 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I'm sorry, I don't follow this line of reasoning. You would be embarrassed and ashamed if someone tried to help you figure out the best way to handle your period and care for your clothing? It's not like I came at with an attitude of "How disgusting! Why don't you do something about this??" I used to get my period, too. I know what it's like. I have leaked before. I'd really like to help her with it, and I'd also like to help her keep her underwear from being ruined. I was kind and sensitive about it. Yeah, periods can be embarrassing when you're 13, but ... you learn how to handle it appropriately.

dm

I completely sympathize with the poster you quoted. I have no kiddos, but I was one. I regularly leaked all over. My period was (and is) COMPLETELY irregular, and I never had a clue when it was going to start, so it always took me by surprise. And to be quite honest, even if it was regular, I'd have no clue back then. I wasn't that in tune. Not only that, but it took me a very long time to figure out when I needed to change tampons as my flow would vary greatly from day to day. I wasn't sexually active, so I didn't really care about the stained state of underwear, so long as it was clean.

I would also have been mortified if my mom had brought this up with me. And I do believe she would have if it bothered her. She sure laid into me about leaving pens in my pockets!! I'd say she and I were 50/50 on who did the whole family's washing, and I think once or twice in my many years I might have seen hers in there too. She only soaked them if they were "pretty" ones. It never even occured to me that this might be gross to her! I don't anticipate having any problems with my own daughter's dirty underwear. I don't really think it's that gross.

BUT, momma was the ruler of the roost, and if she had told me not to do it, I would likely have just hoarded them in my room until a week when I was washing that color group and then thrown them in. Because I _was_ doing laundry - not just mine, everyone's. (Oddly enough, my 16-year-old sister has never had to touch the washer.) But if I wanted mom to do my laundry, I would have followed her rules.

I know you've got a lot of ideas here you're going to try now, but I really would like to mention that if my mother brought up my period with one of my friends or a family friend, I would probably never have forgiven her for it. I don't say that lightly either. That is a serious breach of trust and privacy. I can't think of one single time where that would EVER be appropriate. Please don't.







I am trying to imagine if that had happened to me at 13 or so, and I believe I would still harbor a grudge. And, most likely, I would not have the adult confidences with her that I do now - I would not trust her not to inform the world - I do not typically allow myself to be twice burned.

I hope you find a workable solution. But the bottom line is that if you want someone else to do your laundry, you have to present it to them in the manner requested.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

dharmamama I want to say I am a dork. I know your banner says your dd is from ethoipa I just dinner process it. I agree on looking into emotional issues.

I would also look into her cultures treatement of menstration could this be a "carry" over and she not realize it?

I do think her helping with the wash will help but think my answer before wasn't realistic or complete for yoursituation.


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mrs. Cheerful Face* 
If not, why not just do what my friend did for a while and put panties on the grocery list and choose to practice a detatchment about this issue, " I see you don't care to put any thought into this issue right now, so neither will I (all without judgement). Please share with me how we can live together with this issue not creating distance between us. I'm here."


This is what I decided to do with my boys and their socks. Seriously... I could b#tch about missing and dirty socks every. single. day, or I could spend $5 every other month and get over it for a year or so. We have a big basket of singles and make a lot of sock puppets. I'm thinking that might not work with bloody undies (but how's that for a mental image )









sorry! This is the best a boymama can do in a thread like this.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PancakeGoddess* 
This is what I decided to do with my boys and their socks. Seriously... I could b#tch about missing and dirty socks every. single. day, or I could spend $5 every other month and get over it for a year or so. We have a big basket of singles and make a lot of sock puppets. I'm thinking that might not work with bloody undies (but how's that for a mental image )









sorry! This is the best a boymama can do in a thread like this.

lol! We had a near sock meltdown this morning. I have two boys and I don't know what on earth happens to their socks. Well, ok the kid in college can find his socks and they aren't too gross. But the young teen boy still has sock issues. This morning he was nearly late for school because supposedly he had no clean socks! Seriously, and he's 14 and we do laundry all the fecking time here. heheh. Finally his Dad thought to fish some out of his snow boots. Thankfully, they weren't wet. lol I still haven't seen a huge difference in kids who are 12 or 11 v. 14 or 15. Depressing? Maybe. lol Now, 17 and 18? Big difference. Huge.


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

boots, brilliant. Fortunately, the boys around here don't even care if their socks match, so as long as we can find two we're set. I just hate finding them in balls all over the house.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Mrs. Cheerful Face;10538756
If not said:


> Wow. I've just put this in my coping toolbox.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

I have no problem buying her extra underwear, but mainly I don't want her to throw bloody underwear in the laundry!









dm


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## creeves1971 (Feb 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2* 
FYI, hydrogen peroxide is awesome for bloodstains - my midwife used it, and I find it works really well. It fizzes, too, which is kind of neat and satisfying: fizz, bubble, blood's gone! Don't know if it would help to have a bottle of it in the bathroom for her to use, or if the bucket of cold water is more practical if she would rather just ignore the problem as soon as possible...

I second the peroxide!! DS bashed his head and got staples last year...while wearing his brand new favorite shirt. The ER nurse told me about it, and every bit came out...even after our 12 hours at the ER!! Yeah..it's a miracle!

;o)
Christy


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

i had bad periods blood everywhere. i use to put proxide on the blood and wash by hand the biggest habbit it to wash when bathing. i also hate laundry even to this day i am known to do like 9 loads in a day















i dont see this being a problem in my house. my panties dont go in the machine they are hand washed and my dd 5 already knows this and trys to remember to put her panties there too.







ok so i started training early. lastly i love my panties all girlie kind once in a washer and runined. ummm so u think it is time to get her some these dont go in washer kind? maybe if she loves them enough she will wash them


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## Bellejar (Oct 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
What do those of you with teenage daughters do when you find bloody underwear in the laundry?

dm

Why are you doing a teenagers laundry? I always did my own from the time I was about 10. Especially if she won't respect what you are asking her to do, ask her to do her own.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bellejar* 
Why are you doing a teenagers laundry?

Yeah, I ask myself that frequently. I guess the answer is, I'm doing laundry for four people anyway, how hard is it really to just throw hers in? In seems like a forced chore to make her do her own rather than an actual way of helping out, especially since I hang the laundry to dry and have limited drying space.

But on the other hand, she does pull some laundry shenanigans, so maybe she should just do her own.

dm


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

This is coming from someone who doesn't mind doing laundry - it's just one of those chores I enjoy - but.... maybe she can have responsibility for her laundry and one other person's. Or the towels. That way it takes a real load of work off you, resolves the underwear thing (giving her that privacy and responsibility), etc. Not in addition to her current chores, but if she wanted to swap somethign out? Just thinking out loud...


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## Mrs. Cheerful Face (Apr 4, 2006)

I just wanted to chime in again, I too neglected to see that your dd is from Africa. Blood issues are a HUGE part of culture there. Technically speaking your daughter would now be marrying age!!! Yikes! She would be expected to be in charge of a household!! Well there is some food for thought! No wonder she is so out of sorts. That is a lot of cultural conditioning to overcome in her collective conscience. So approaching from a woman to woman posistion may provide the best connection. Is your daughter able to connect with anyone from her native culture in your area? An older woman who still believes in femaleness? Just ideas.... More responsibilities in the household??? Does she show an apptitude for baking, shopping for food, handwork? I love that you are so commited to her and this challenge! A late breaking brain wave... How about sereptitiously charting her cycle so you are prepared... with a special soaking basin? Ritual providing food and nuturing, reading material?? Journaling too. Time for her to be alone, time with you alone, like a date?


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## queen5supermommy (Nov 12, 2007)

We just bought the diva cup. My 16 yo daughter loves it. You can leave it in for up to 12 hours a day with NO leaks! Maybe if she hears about other teen girls wearing them she would be more likely to try it. Also, if she likes to help out with the environment maybe you could use that card too. Think of how many trees and plastics she would be keeping out of the landfills, and it is better for her body too. No bleaching chemicals inside or outside her body.

I bought one too but just got a BFP yesterday..... Haven't told the kids yet!







:


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## Neuromancer (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *_betsy_* 
By the time I got my period, I had been doing all my own laundry for a couple years.

Show her how, and make her laundry her responsibility. When she runs out of clean clothes and underwear, she'll make the effort to do it on her own.

Betsy said it before I could. We were doing our own laundry (had our own dirty clothes hampers in each of our bedrooms) by the time we were in late elementary school. Mom and Dad took turns doing theirs jointly because they shared a hamper, but my sister and I each did our own. Sharing was an issue for us, and we liked that our clothes didn't mix!









Also, it could save her from some embarrassment. Your theory of nighttime leakage rings true for me. I had problems with leaking the first few years I had my period. I never told my mom. I learned on my own that I had to wear two pads at night to make the "protected area" longer and I tried to sleep on my back without turning over. Looking back on this, I feel sorry for me. I was so embarrassed I never told anyone, and it was stressful to try to do this at camp even more than at home. I was glad I could wash my own sheets and underwear at home.


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## Terabith (Mar 10, 2006)

Okay, I'm embarrassed but I'm 31 years old, and I got my period today and bled all over my underwear. I just never know exactly when I'm going to start my period, and when I wear pads, even with wings, they move around and I invariably get them very stained and messy. I don't even bother to rinse them out; I just always wear stained underwear. It's never particularly bothered me. However, I can definitely understand why some people would be grossed out. I think with all of your issues with Desta, I might just ask her if her panties are bloody to just throw them away and buy a new set every month or so. Laundry; well, you might could have all the kiddos start doing their own laundry, but I agree with your husband, I think if Desta was singled out to do it (even though she is older and that would in other circumstances make it a different distinction), it might make her feel less a part of the family.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

So, I sat down with Desta and I talked to her about the bloody underwear problem. She said that she sometimes leaks at night because the pads aren't big enough, so we got her bigger ones. I explained that it's better for her underwear and also nicer for me if she soaks them before just tossing them into the laundry. I got her a bucket and some nice-smelling liquid soap to soak them in. I asked her to please soak her underwear, and that if she needed more help choosing the correct pads that we could talk about it more.

I went to do the laundry today and there were three pairs of bloody, unsoaked underwear in the hamper.









Now what?

dm


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I went to do the laundry today and there were three pairs of bloody, unsoaked underwear in the hamper.









Now what?

dm

Arg. Seems to me that she's choosing to push your buttons. I think what *I* would do is toss those 3 pairs in the trash and not mention it.

good luck

-Angela


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## alllyssa (Sep 1, 2004)

I think that if your DH doesn't want you to make your daughter do her own laundry, that HE SHOULD DO IT!

My teenagers all do their own laundry. It's a normal, healthy part of learning how to take care of yourself - which I think is one of our jobs as parents.


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

I know you've already had gobs of feedback here, and it's definitely one of those YMMV things, but I think cold wet underwear is gross to deal with in the laundry anyway - I'd just rather have the bloody underwear sorted out so it can be washed in cold with towels or whatever. I wonder if this is one of those battles to just not pick. In the big picture, there are more important battles? Just a thought.

Even if you bought a new package of undies once a month and tossed them, you'd not be out much money. You can still comment to her gently, every month, how you feel about it. It's just such an intimate issue - if there's some way to just get by without having to "make a point," there might be some advantage to that.

Sorry you're dealing with this!


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## fioner (Mar 19, 2006)

I've been following this thread for a while, and at first I disagreed with the people who said she should do her own laundry. I didn't have to do my own laundry as a teenager. But the more I think about it, I think it would have been better if my mom had expected me to do my own laundry. It would have made me a little bit more responsible. I had a lot of bloody underwear problems, too, and I tended to either: 1. attempt to wash them and dry them myself, when my mom wasn't home 2. hide them 3. throw them away.

If I had had to do my own laundry, this wouldn't have been an issue, I could have just taken care of it myself without shame. I was always really embarrassed about my period. I guess that's another issue altogether though.

Also, if I had been expected to do my own laundry, I wouldn't have gone off to the Air Force when I was 18 never having done a load of laundry in my life







:


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I went to do the laundry today and there were three pairs of bloody, unsoaked underwear in the hamper.









honestly? id probably have flipped out!!!! im so sorry, is there any kind of consequence that would really affect her that you could take away when this happens? I know its not the most GD answer, but man you have been exceedingly patient with her!!!

I really dont know !!!! I just couldnt not respond.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Terabith* 
Okay, I'm embarrassed but I'm 31 years old, and I got my period today and bled all over my underwear. I just never know exactly when I'm going to start my period, and when I wear pads, even with wings, they move around and I invariably get them very stained and messy. I don't even bother to rinse them out; I just always wear stained underwear. It's never particularly bothered me. However, I can definitely understand why some people would be grossed out. I think with all of your issues with Desta, I might just ask her if her panties are bloody to just throw them away and buy a new set every month or so. Laundry; well, you might could have all the kiddos start doing their own laundry, but I agree with your husband, I think if Desta was singled out to do it (even though she is older and that would in other circumstances make it a different distinction), it might make her feel less a part of the family.

I agree. I also sometimes get blood on my underwear, and I also get blood on the bedsheets occasionally. But I don't think bloody panties are "gross".
It happens, to me at least. I am a very heavy bleeder and I'm wondering whether this is the reason. Even though I wear multiple napkins at night I can still bleed through in my sleep.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SusanElizabeth* 
I also sometimes get blood on my underwear, and I also get blood on the bedsheets occasionally.

Yes, I know, this happens to all women. I understand that. But I don't like sticking my hand into the hamper and coming up with bloody underwear, and I don't think it means I'm unenlightened or something. Probably there are other things that other people find gross that I don't.

dm


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Arg. Seems to me that she's choosing to push your buttons. I think what *I* would do is toss those 3 pairs in the trash and not mention it.

Yeah, I'm leaning in this direction. I put them in her sink and I think I'll wait to see whether she mentions it (most likely, she won't).

I have a thread in the adoption forum about how I have been using the book Parenting with Love and Logic recently and how Desta has been responding well to this, so I think I might sit her down (again) and tell her that she can either soak them and I'll wash them or she can put them bloody in the laundry and I'll toss them. Someone in my L&L thread pointed out that something else I had done with Desta, which is working, can be viewed by her as a win no matter what choice she makes. In the underwear situation, she may see it as she "wins" by not having to soak the underwear or she "wins" by me washing them for her, and the choice is hers.

dm


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

I talked to dh on the phone and I told him about the underwear and he said that he is going to tell Desta that if it happens again, she will be responsible for her own laundry from then on.

dm


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
Yeah, I'm leaning in this direction. I put them in her sink and I think I'll wait to see whether she mentions it (most likely, she won't).

I have a thread in the adoption forum about how I have been using the book Parenting with Love and Logic recently and how Desta has been responding well to this, so I think I might sit her down (again) and tell her that she can either soak them and I'll wash them or she can put them bloody in the laundry and I'll toss them. Someone in my L&L thread pointed out that something else I had done with Desta, which is working, can be viewed by her as a win no matter what choice she makes. In the underwear situation, she may see it as she "wins" by not having to soak the underwear or she "wins" by me washing them for her, and the choice is hers.

dm

Also, if they are mixed in with family laundry and could stain and possibly ruin someone else's clothes, you could also say she'd be responsible to pay to replace that person's item of clothing. If they are her own, then she'd just have stained clothing.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littlemizflava* 
i had bad periods blood everywhere. i use to put proxide on the blood and wash by hand the biggest habbit it to wash when bathing. i also hate laundry even to this day i am known to do like 9 loads in a day















i dont see this being a problem in my house. my panties dont go in the machine they are hand washed and my dd 5 already knows this and trys to remember to put her panties there too.







ok so i started training early. lastly i love my panties all girlie kind once in a washer and runined. ummm so u think it is time to get her some these dont go in washer kind? maybe if she loves them enough she will wash them










I second this idea....I also had/have problems with overflow if I use pads...and I have to sleep on a towel to save my sheets...I own a lot of red undies to avoid the "ruined" appearance that is inevitable, in my case. All the wings and nighttime sized pads don't help. Tampons are great now, but I couldn't use them as a kid. Anyway.....a lot of women are raised hand washing their panties every...single...night in the sink, and then hanging them dry. (Possibly a tradition where scarcity was involved?) Perhaps you could start that tradition with Desta?

xoe


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
So, I sat down with Desta and I talked to her about the bloody underwear problem. She said that she sometimes leaks at night because the pads aren't big enough, so we got her bigger ones. I explained that it's better for her underwear and also nicer for me if she soaks them before just tossing them into the laundry. I got her a bucket and some nice-smelling liquid soap to soak them in. I asked her to please soak her underwear, and that if she needed more help choosing the correct pads that we could talk about it more.

I went to do the laundry today and there were three pairs of bloody, unsoaked underwear in the hamper.









Now what?

dm

*don't wash the underwear*.....simply wait for her to come home, explain that this is what you were talking about, and ask her to put them in the soaking bucket. You may have to do it for a couple of months before she remembers. she's a young teen, and she has more on her mind than underwear.

xoe


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xoe* 
Perhaps you could start that tradition with Desta?









I can't even get Desta not to ball up her clothes under her bed when she takes them off. She'd think I was either a) crazy or b) deliberately trying to ruin her life if I suggested she handwash her undies every day.

dm


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xoe* 
You may have to do it for a couple of months before she remembers. she's a young teen, and she has more on her mind than underwear.

I've been reminding her for a couple of months. That's what started this thread. I am unwilling to spend several more months reminding her. I don't buy the idea that because she's 13 she can't be bothered to remember not to throw bloody underwear in the hamper. The more I think about this, the more I think I should have told her, the third time that this happened (many months ago), that she was now responsible for her own laundry.

dm


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I think you need to buy a couple boxes of latex gloves, one for the laundry person and one for Desta. You can put them on the back of the toilet and one where you empty the hamper. It's possible she's grossed out by handling them, too (the sheets are big enough you can ball them up and not touch the blood). Anyway, you might find some bloody underwear, but you won't find them by touch anymore.
If they are just thrown in the laundry, I would be worried about transfer to other clothes that don't get pre-treated and get stained. Has that happened? It would be a natural consequence to loose shirts/pants/etc. to transfer stains.

I've done a lot of bloody birth laundry. I always use gloves until I'm sure the the laundry has gotten clean (sometimes it takes more than one wash). I second the peroxide recommendation. I also keep a few bottles of spray and wash (one upstairs in my house and one in the laundry) for quick pretreats.

One more thought - at least you're not finding semen stained panties in the wash.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

So in the end, I left Desta a note that reminded her we had discussed the bloody underwear question "several" times and that if I found any more bloody underwear in the hamper, she would start doing her own laundry. I left the underwear in a bag with the note. She didn't mention it to me but nor did she ignore me for the rest of the day, which would have happened 3 weeks ago, before I started with Love and Logic.

I should have told her this months ago, so we could have avoided these months of her continuing to test me. She responds best when I play a firm hand, as I have discovered recently. Months and months of trying to "work with" her and be mindful of her fragile emotional state and all that yada yada only made our relationship continue to deteriorate. When I started saying, "This is the consequence for doing that," things started to get better.

dm


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Great news! Sounds like progress.

-Angela


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

I was desperately embarrassed any time I had a leak onto my underwear when I was a kid.

I mean, ashamed. Mortified.

If I got blood on a towel after showering, I was berated for it...as if I wasn't embarrassed enough as it was.

I hid the bloodied items...I didn't want my dad and step-mom to see them. And then, if they found them, they would wave them in my face and tell me how disgusting I was.

I just didn't know what to do prevent the leaks...and no one ever sat down and explained it to me. I didn't know how to do the laundry...I didn't know how to rinse the stains.

I have already taken several opportunities to explain to my 11-yr old the best way to rinse blood-stains out of clothes--in cold water, not hot. I already have her helping me do laundry, not necessarily doing it by herself, but helping me do the sorting and washing and folding.

It has been my experience that girls who seem apathetic about their hygiene and their bodies are more likely to be embarrassed and ashamed than they are just slobs, ya know? Not just my own personal experience, but in talking to my friends and their kids, etc...

Do you have any friends or relatives (aunts, cousins, etc) that could maybe talk to her? Maybe it would be easier for her to hear coming from someone else? I know my kids often respond to their uncle better than they respond to me when we're faced with a stand-off, tense situation.

Is there a way for you to try approaching her from an empathetic position instead of an offensive position? I mean, trust me, I'm not saying that you are wrong for being upset by the situation, but if your goal is to get her to change her behavior and what you've been doing clearly isn't working, maybe trying the radically different approach will help.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

oh cjanelles that sounds awful for you. It's amazing some of the crap we have to endure as kids, isn't it? I can only hope my kids grow up with a minimum of complaints about me!!!


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## Friday13th (Jun 13, 2006)

I just wanted to chime in on possible cause since it sounds like you have a workable solution. I got my period when I was in 5th grade and was mortified by having to change my pad at school when none of the other girls had their periods (or so I thought). I would go all day without changing my pad, and I had heavy periods from day 1. So of course I would leak, onto my underwear if not through my pants. My mother, after much exasperation, bought me black pants and underwear, especially for when I had my period, so the blood didn't show. When I got home from school I would soak everything in the sink (at first my mother supervised but once I got the hang of it, she stopped) and then brought it straight down to the laundry pile.

So it's possible it's more than just leaking at night, especially if she's younger than 13 emotionally. It's quite possible she's having a tough time dealing with changing pads at school. Just a thought.

Good luck!


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## mommaof3boz (Feb 15, 2006)

There is the whole issue with the fact the child is HIV positive. She simply HAS to be careful with her bloody products. I have no idea how to get that thru to her but hopefully your new approach will work. I also wanted to add you are a super mom and I'm in awe of all you do on a daily basis. I lurk here


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I've been reminding her for a couple of months. That's what started this thread. I am unwilling to spend several more months reminding her. I don't buy the idea that because she's 13 she can't be bothered to remember not to throw bloody underwear in the hamper. The more I think about this, the more I think I should have told her, the third time that this happened (many months ago), that she was now responsible for her own laundry.

dm

Awwww.....I didn't realize that reminding her to put the clothes in the water pail would be included in reminding her for months. Sorry things have been so hard for you-- because I'm basically a the type that thinks giving a whole lot of reminders can often send the message that you don't really mean what you say, or you don't think your child has to do it the first/second time you ask. Whatever the case, I hope you find a good solution. The hiding/hoarding issues can be pretty intractable problems. I mentioned I used to own a lot of red undies to deal with my own spillage problems. Perhaps red or brightly colored undies for Desta will make them easier for YOU to spot when you are sorting laundry?

Best wishes. I love your blog!

xoe

P.S.-- just saw that you came up with a pretty good solution! Good for you!


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## ziggy (Feb 8, 2007)

Well, I mean, it *is* pretty rude to expect your mother to wash blood out of your underwear on a frequent basis. I'm 20, so not that far out of teenagedom, and while I did my entire family's laundry from the time I was ten, I'd never have expected this of my mother.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Well, we did end up addressing this in our intensive therapy sessions, and it did make Desta very angry that I had told them about it.

However, they framed it in terms of a "being in the family in a positive way" issue, and they told Desta that kids who come to their (attachment therapy) program who pull laundry shenanigans get to do their own laundry.

dm


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Great news. I hope the new therapy is helping too.

-Angela


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## jennifer_lc1 (Sep 8, 2007)

I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't.. but I kind of disagree with how you handled the situation. It has to be hard enough feeling kind of outside the family, but then to get what I'm sure she feels as being picked on for having some accidents.. I'm sure she isn't feeling the love. I had the same problem sometimes when I was a teen. It's hard to keep up with when it comes, how heavy it may or may not be, what to expect each time, how to prepare, how to stay clean.. eventually she will hit the mark and understand her body and also want to care for herself in that way. I understand with her having HIV that it's pretty dangerous for this to occur but just be a little more sensitive maybe. Not like you're put out by it but more like I'm sorry I know this sucks and talk to her like you want to help HER, not get rid of your "gross" problem on laundry day.

I don't mean to sound mean at all, I just know how she feels.


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennifer_lc1* 
*I didn't read this whole post* with things you tried/didn't.. but I kind of disagree with how you handled the situation. <snip>

You really should read this entire thread, and then head over to adoptive parenting and read her other thread.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

I just want to say that DM is an AMAZING mother and an awesome poster. Would that I had half of her on-line self-possession.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennifer_lc1* 
I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't.. but I kind of disagree with how you handled the situation.

Yeah...you should probably read the whole thread before you decide that you're not in favor of how the OP handled the situation. You can miss a lot in 95 posts...


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## willthiswork (Mar 29, 2007)

I've read the entire thread and I think its a bit weird that so many of you had to do your whole family's laundry since you were kids and think that's ok but someone doing their child's laundry is strange? Don't get me wrong, bloody underwear is gross but these things happen.

If someone doesn't agree with a long term poster, that should be up to them. People suddenly posting about what a great mom DM is to her kids is a bit childish really. I can think people are great mom's without agreeing with everything they do.

Please don't attack me for this just because I don't post often. I read here a lot.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *willthiswork* 
If someone doesn't agree with a long term poster, that should be up to them. People suddenly posting about what a great mom DM is to her kids is a bit childish really. I can think people are great mom's without agreeing with everything they do.

Please don't attack me for this just because I don't post often. I read here a lot.

I don't think anyone has attacked anyone in this thread, so I'm not sure what you're talking about. That said, people suggesting to a person who pops in to criticize ANY poster (long-standing member or not) and openly admitting that they don't know the whole story and didn't bother to read the whole thread, well, if you think that is attacking someone, then I'm confused.

I'm not attacking you for your post. And I have NEVER seen anyone get "attacked" on the MDC because they are not long-standing members. I am, however, disagreeing with your assessment that people are childish for suggesting that someone actually take the time to read a thread before they criticize a parent who is trying hard to do the best thing for their family.


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## jennifer_lc1 (Sep 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cjanelles* 
Yeah...you should probably read the whole thread before you decide that you're not in favor of how the OP handled the situation. You can miss a lot in 95 posts...

... I don't really have that kind of time, who does? I can comment however I please, afterall it is my opinion!







I am not judging anyone, or saying she is a bad mother.. uh or a bad poster to comment on someone elses response. I simply stated my opinion ladies. Put your claws away


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## jennifer_lc1 (Sep 8, 2007)

willthiswork said:


> Don't get me wrong, bloody underwear is gross but these things happen.
> QUOTE]
> 
> Exactly. You're all acting as if she not only pooped in your cereal but she forced you to eat it.
> ...


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## willthiswork (Mar 29, 2007)

Sorry attacking is the wrong word. It all seemed a little passive aggressive to me. But hey, my period came early today (please note that I'm ttc for 2.5 years now so this really sucks) and now I have bloody knickers so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice here.

And suggesting that people read the whole thread is not what I called childish. Perhaps if you had read my post fully you would have seen that I called the random posting of "Dharma Mom is great" a bit childish.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennifer_lc1* 

Exactly. You're all acting as if she not only pooped in your cereal but she forced you to eat it.

If you're not going to bother to read the thread, maybe you shouldn't continue to comment on it.

Quote:

It's just something your child should've picked up by now.
Well, my daughter came to us from an orphanage at age 11, so we have slightly different circumstances than most families do.

dm


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennifer_lc1* 
I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't

*snip*

just be a little more sensitive maybe.

I know I came across as snarky in my last post, but I did want to point out that this is a little silly, because if you didn't read the whole thread, then of course you missed all the places where I talked about being sensitive and working with Desta to alleviate the problem. For months on end. Like, nine months.

Quote:

I'm sure she isn't feeling the love.
You inadvertently hit the nail right on the head, but not for the reasons you think. Desta has RAD (reactive attachment disorder) from the multiple traumas she experienced in the eleven years before she joined our family, so she doesn't feel the love even when we give it. That's why we are in intensive attachment therapy.

dm


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I know I came across as snarky in my last post, but I did want to point out that this is a little silly, because if you didn't read the whole thread, then of course you missed all the places where I talked about being sensitive and working with Desta to alleviate the problem. For months on end. Like, nine months.

You inadvertently hit the nail right on the head, but not for the reasons you think. Desta has RAD (reactive attachment disorder) from the multiple traumas she experienced in the eleven years before she joined our family, so she doesn't feel the love even when we give it. That's why we are in intensive attachment therapy.

dm

I continue to be amazed by your grace, DM.


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## alima (Jun 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
I know I came across as snarky in my last post, but I did want to point out that this is a little silly, because if you didn't read the whole thread, then of course you missed all the places where I talked about being sensitive and working with Desta to alleviate the problem. For months on end. Like, nine months.
dm

I don't think you sounded snarky at all, just pointing out the obvious


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

I was just folding the clean laundry and there was a bunch of Desta's underwear in it and it reminded me of this thread, so I thought I'd update.

Overall, things are going much better around here. The attachment therapy has really helped both Desta and me. Our relationship is better, her behavior is better, my reactions are better.

The last few times Desta has had her period, she has washed out her underwear in her bathroom and then taken it down to the basement and put it in a bucket by the washer. When I do a hot load, I just tip the bucket into the washer.

My personal opinion is that, now that Desta is learning to trust me, she doesn't have to try to undermine me anymore.

At one point a few weeks ago (I don't remember how we got on the subject), Desta apologized to me for putting her dirty underwear in the hamper. She said, "I used to do a lot of things that I shouldn't have done, and I don't know why I did them."

I told her, "You did them because you had a lot of feelings you didn't understand and you didn't feel like you had a way to express them. Now you do. The therapy has really helped us both."

She laughed and said, "I still hate going."

I said, "I hate getting my teeth cleaned, but it's better than getting cavities, right? It's called preventive care."

it was good conversation.

dm


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Wow. That is a HUGE amount of progress. I am so happy for you and Desta. Sounds like the therapy is just what you needed.

-Angela


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## Mandynee22 (Nov 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama* 
Also, because she seems to need a concrete consequence (not because I get off on "punishing" her or something), I think that I will also let her know that bloody underwear will be returned to her for a pre-soak. I'll probably buy some Spray&Wash or something similar for her, too. She has a sink and tub in her bathroom, so she can take care of them in there.


Disclaimer: I am not a mom of a preteen or teen but I lurk here anyway...
I do have a suggestion though- instead of spray and wash, you might want to try "Totally Toddler" (pink and white bottle). You can get it at Walmart, Target, Babies/toys R Us etc.
IMO- It works way better on that kind of stuff than Spray and Wash.
Good luck though 

OOOR Maybe some Luna Spray...


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

WOW! I am so glad that things are getting better!


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Obviously some posts have been deleted here.


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