# I think my daughter is a lesbian?



## AConcernedMom

I need help. Today I went into my daughters room to clean up a bit since she is away at college, and I found lesbian themed graphic novels under her bed. She never showed any interest in boys, but I always assumed that was just because she was shy. Now I'm starting to suspect that her relationship with a certain "friend" of hers might be more than it seems. I'm very upset, and I don't know what to do. Is she gay? Should I ask her? Should I confront her about the books?

Also, how do I accept this if she does turn out to be a lesbian? I feel sick just thinking about it. I know it is not a choice, but I don't want her to be this way. I want her to have a normal, happy life, not this.


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## erigeron

I would not "confront" her until you have spent a little more time with the idea and are closer to coming to terms with it. Right now it sounds like you are still in shock, but I don't think you'd do either of you any favors by making it into an argument. There is no reason to put her on the defensive about who she is, and that is not going to encourage her to open up to you. Whether she is a lesbian or bisexual or just exploring, having the support of those close to her is so important. Also, she can definitely have a happy life, even if it doesn't match what you would think of as "normal".

I would start by checking out PFLAG--Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. They have a page here you might find helpful: http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=539

If you decide to approach your daughter rather than waiting for her to approach you, I would just let her know what you found and keep it nonjudgmental, and see what she has to say.


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## mumm

I mother confronted me. I lied. Around the same time my sister and I were both home from college and she asked me if I had a special guy. I answered honestly. She asked if I had a special girl. I couldn't help but answer honestly! I would wait until she is ready to talk. She might still be figuring it all out herself, and that takes time.

And, if you feel "sick" about this and want her to have a "normal, happy life" she is probably right in not choosing you as a confidant at this time.


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## mtiger

{{{hugs}}} to start.

Let me ask you this - how does this change her from the person she was before you discovered the books?

My son/daughter came out to me (well... the world LOL) as trans* last fall. While I was a bit stunned, it really wasn't a huge shock. I've always known that s/he's different. Always marched to a different drummer. So it didn't floor me. Nor did it change my wonderful, beautiful, loving child one bit. If anything? It has made him/her blossom into an equally wonderful, beautiful person who is willing, able and proud to show the world the person s/he is. S/he is more than before. And that is something to celebrate, IMO. I love A as much - maybe even more - today as I did "before".

I suspect your daughter knows how you would react, which is why she hasn't said anything to you. But imagine how difficult it must be for her to have to hide who she is from the one person who should love her unconditionally... I wouldn't confront her. But I would make sure that she knows - deep in her heart - that you love her, no matter who she chooses to love. This does not change the core person she is. Let her know that there is nothing she can tell you that will change how you love her.

ETA p.s. Feel free to message me if you need to talk.


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## purplerose

This may be a troll...this is their first post and it can be taken as immflamatory(imo).

If not...OP Your daughter's sexual orientation doesn't determine whether she lives a "normal, happy life". There is no reason to feel heartbroken. Take your daughter as she is as if it is a normal part of life...it is to her.

My daughter came out to her family last year. She is still a bit confused, but whatever she figures out, it's not an issue to us. We want our kids happy and healthy.


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## AConcernedMom

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I guess I should just wait and try to come to terms in the meantime. She's away at college, so I would wait until she comes home before starting this conversation anyway.

Quote:


> Around the same time my sister and I were both home from college and she asked me if I had a special guy. I answered honestly. She asked if I had a special girl. I couldn't help but answer honestly!


I may take this approach. I'm really starting to think that she and her friend are actually a couple. They seem a bit too close to be just friends.

Quote:


> Let me ask you this - how does this change her from the person she was before you discovered the books?


It doesn't change who she is, but it does change her life. It changes how people will look at her and how they will treat her. "Sick" was probably not the right word to use, and I'm sorry for that. "Worried" probably would have been a better choice. I am not upset with her, but upset at the situation and worried for her. I'm not homophobic, but that doesn't mean I want that for my child. The fact is that her life will be harder if she is gay.

Quote:


> Your daughter's sexual orientation doesn't determine whether she lives a "normal, happy life". There is no reason to feel heartbroken. Take your daughter as she is as if it is a normal part of life...it is to her.


Again, I should have chosen my words more wisely. I was upset last night, and I've had some time to calm down. I didn't mean to imply that being gay is abnormal, just that her life will be different. She can't get married, having kids will be so much harder for her, people who don't even know her will hate her, etc. I realize that she may want different things out of life than I want for her, but it is still hard to let my vision go.


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## meemee

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> Again, I should have chosen my words more wisely. I was upset last night, and I've had some time to calm down. I didn't mean to imply that being gay is abnormal, just *that her life will be different. She can't get married, having kids will be so much harder for her, people who don't even know her will hate her, etc.* I realize that she may want different things out of life than I want for her, but it is still hard to let my vision go.


while reading yoru post i figured you were just shocked.

what guarantees do you get that her life wont be different - whether she is gay or not.

these days having kids is the easiest thing in the world. you dont even need a man. just a sperm bank.

well people just dont hate gays. they hate everyone.

but i get what you are saying. and i want to say - just the opposite. your dd's life will be just as it will be. being gay doesnt make it easier or harder - but different.

and marriage? what's so great about marriage? its not something i want or look forward to with my dd. i want her to find a deeply moving and committed relationship. marriage is just icing on the cake.

yes i understand your concern. she could be beaten up or killed. so you need to make sure she lives in the right city.

but by golly what a rich life your dd will have. and by golly what a wonderful experience you will have - as you watch your dd flower and open up and meet all the challenges.

the best thing for you to do is as previous pp said. get involved with PFLAG NOW. go talk to people there. start volunteering there. that will help you get to know yourself, your dd and your community.

can you imagine how your dd will feel if she comes home and finds mom is volunteering with PFLAG or a similar organization.

there is no need for your vision to go. your dd can still get married. have kids. be happy.


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## MeepyCat

There are, what, five? states in the union where your daughter can get married even if she prefers to marry another woman. More soon, we hope.

I live in Massachusetts, in a neighborhood where it was trendy for gay and lesbian couples to buy houses about 5 years ago. Our neighbors include some wonderful families, and I can't tell that the kids care who has two moms or two dads or a mom and a dad or what. Rich family lives are increasingly available to people, regardless of sexual orientation. Your daughter has a high chance of a happy life, with loving friends and family.

There is also a chance that the books you found mean that your daughter is an aspiring indie cartoonist. Or that she enjoys the work of Alison Bechdel. (I have a complete set of ***** to Watch Out For in my house, half of which were bought by my husband.) Remain open to other interpretations.


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## Rayne0905

Quote:


> Again, I should have chosen my words more wisely. I was upset last night, and I've had some time to calm down. I didn't mean to imply that being gay is abnormal, just that her life will be different. She can't get married, having kids will be so much harder for her, people who don't even know her will hate her, etc. I realize that she may want different things out of life than I want for her, but it is still hard to let my vision go.


I can understand where you are coming from, since my mother had the same reaction towards me. She became angry and upset and it lead to us not speaking for 3 years. I was a senior in college when she stumbled upon some poetry I had written about a female friend who was more than a friend.

Either way, I'm sure you don't want that kind of break with your daughter. My mother and I wasted a lot of time. I eventually found out her 'anger" was from fear she had of people treating me badly, and my life not being happy. She said some of the same things you said in your original post to my face. The result wasnt pretty.

I assume your reaction is from the same thing. fear over your daughter's future and the fear that you don't know how to be a part of her life. All your visions of your little girl growing up and getting married and having babies with you there by her side are ruined. You don't know what to do?

Your daughter can get married. I am getting married this July and my mother will be there, the mother of one of the brides. (Were getting married in a state where is it legal and having a ceremony in our state where it isnt recognized)

You can have grandchildren, trust me, it not as hard as it seems. Were working it out with my mother there the whole time tell me how to parent. (eek)

Don't worry about how others will react. You just being there for her will make all the difference. Some people who I was once close to said horrible things about me in front of my mother. What they said didn't matter, what mattered was my mother coming to my defense and telling them to keep my name out of their mouth.

You reaction, your support is going to be more important that what ANY other person says.

My mother confronted me in anger, and it led to a strained relationship for years. You could always do what my father did. Turn on a lgbt program and ask her opinion. It worked for me and he then just said. "You can tell me anything, I will always love you."

I'm sure her reasoning for not telling you, if she is a lesbian, is just because she is scared that she will lose your love. Assure her that she wont lose you, and it will make it easier for her to open up to you.

If you want to chat, you can message me.


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## CI Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> Again, I should have chosen my words more wisely. I was upset last night, and I've had some time to calm down. I didn't mean to imply that being gay is abnormal, just that her life will be different. *She can't get married, having kids will be so much harder for her, people who don't even know her will hate her, etc.* I realize that she may want different things out of life than I want for her, but it is still hard to let my vision go.


Don't fall into the trap of assuming that all lesbians have the same experience, which is different from what all straight people experience. There is a lot of variation in the world.

There are states where lesbians can legally marry, and there are lesbians who get married even in places where their marriage isn't legally recognized (that's the situation for my partner & me). There are straight people who never get married. There are lesbians who have no trouble getting pregnant, and there are straight couples that struggle with infertility. People are hated, and loved, for all kinds of reasons, in all kinds of places. Being a lesbian isn't a guarantee that people will hate you, and being straight is no guarantee that they won't.

If your daughter is a lesbian, she might still fulfill your vision in every (other) way. If she is straight, she might never fulfill it. Chances are no matter who she is, she'll meet your expectations in some ways and not in others.

(Side note: When I came out to my mom, the first thing she said to me was: "But I always thought you wanted to get married and have children!" and I said, "I do want those things!" FWIW, my partner and I have been together for 20 years (married for 11, still awaiting legal recognition of our marriage), and we are parents to a daughter, though my mom died before she got to meet her granddaughter.)


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## fizgig

Just want to second the idea that you should contact PFLAG! They are an amazing organization run by and for families of GLBT people 

Here's a link to find your local chapter:

http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=803


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## MichelleZB

Congrats on the lesbian daughter!

Your perspective of a gay person's life seems outdated to me. There are many places in the world where your daughter will be able to have a partner and children (if she wants them) and live openly as gay and no one will bat an eye. Your job as mama bear is to fight as hard as you can for gay rights so that she won't face discrimination in those parts of the world where it still is hard for LGTB people. Your other job is to make your home a place where she can feel safe to be herself.

Enjoy.


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## erigeron

I do think there are some ways in which a gay or lesbian person will have difficulties that a straight person will not. So I can understand the perspective of abstractly wishing your child not to be gay the same way you might wish them not to, say, have a disability or a chronic illness or anything else they can't help that is going to cause them to have some unavoidable problems. But it's a moot point when one's child is actually gay, because even though they will most likely get some level of crap about it at some point, it's not like they can snap their fingers and be straight, so what's the point dwelling on it?


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## nextcommercial

I understand how hard it is to suddenly change your mind about what you thought your child's life would be. I think it's a good idea to take time to let this idea settle in your mind before saying anything. It won't always be hard on you, it's just a shock right now. Soon, you will come around and be proud and happy for whatever choices she makes. (hopefully she will make good choices)

I think your feelings are normal and valid. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel right now.


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## AConcernedMom

Thank you all again for you responses. I went to the pflag website, and I'm considering going to the meeting a week from now. Do any of you know what to expect from one of these meetings? If you've ever been, what was it like?

Quote:


> Your perspective of a gay person's life seems outdated to me. There are many places in the world where your daughter will be able to have a partner and children (if she wants them) and live openly as gay and no one will bat an eye.


I admit that I'm pretty ignorant on this topic. I've lived in Arkansas my whole life, so I haven't really been exposed to gay people. The people around here are very religious and generally not very accepting of homosexuality, so I don't think my concerns for her safety are unreasonable. In Arkansas, gay marriage is a long way away.

Quote:


> I think your feelings are normal and valid. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel right now.


Thank you. I really appreciate you saying this. I wish I could be 100% accepting, but I'm just not there yet. I am trying though.


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## AllisonR

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *erigeron*
> 
> I do think there are some ways in which a gay or lesbian person will have difficulties that a straight person will not. So I can understand the perspective of abstractly wishing your child not to be gay the same way you might wish them not to, say, have a disability or a chronic illness or anything else they can't help that is going to cause them to have some unavoidable problems. But it's a moot point when one's child is actually gay, because even though they will most likely get some level of crap about it at some point, it's not like they can snap their fingers and be straight, so what's the point dwelling on it?


This. It changes nothing.

And I agree with a PP who said people are going to hate, regardless. Those are not the people you, or your daughter, should waste energy on.

Right now you are not in a position to give help, support or constructive criticism to your daughter, because you are living in an angry, shocked, prejudiced place. Give yourself time. See if you are capable of growing and change. I am not saying it is easy, it isn't. And even if you don't say a word, your daughter knows the place you are in. Perhaps she is not discussing it with you in order not to hurt you. I do not discuss religion with my parents. Not because my views are a big secret; I have told them. But only when they have asked. But otherwise, not. But it hurts them, because they feel I will not be saved, and I see no reason to rub it in, or try to change their point of view. I guess I am saying is that sometimes two people are two whole poles apart, and their views so vastly different, that there is no middle ground for them to meet in. I think, right now, this is maybe where you and your daughter are at.


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## MeepyCat

I assure you, there are gay people in Arkansas. You may not know who they are. It is a far tougher place for your daughter to be herself the newsgroup York or SFO or Chicago. So I can see that being a huge deal, and I know, as a parent, I'd have a tough time with my kid moving out of state. I know my kids may go anywhere, and I am raising them to have, hopefully, all the options I had, when I chose to move to the opposite coast for a few years. But in my heart of hearts, I think I'd be happiest, in the end, if they raised their own families just down the street from me. So that's an angle I could see needing to adjust to. It's certainly not the only one.

When I was a teenager in an isolated suburb, I thought there were no gay people on my town. I mysteriously believed thet homosexuality was a purely urban phenomenon. I now know at least three people from my high school class who are openly gay. They have partners and families, and their moms swap grandkid pictures with my mom in the library and the grocery store.

If you're community isn't particularly accepting, it can be hard to figure out where to start. Finding a community in which you can be open and honest and loving to and about your daughter will take some work, and it may be disruptive to some relationships you have now. These things are worth some thought, maybe a few meetings of PFLAG.

I would walk over broken glass for my kids, I would not hesitate to switch churches or cut acquaintances if I found that my kids were being badly treated or otherwise hurt. I do not promise that I wouldn't find that work daunting, or that I wouldn't feel sick about it at first.


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## zebra15

I say this as gently as possible. Your daughter is away at college. that means she is an adult. She is free to make her own decisions, yes you still are her parent, but she can date/have a relationship with whom ever she chooses.

As for cleaning her room. That is her space and I don't think I would be cleaning my adult child's room.

There could be a million reasons for the books, for her actions, for her attitudes. You, the parent live in Arkansas, You don't say where she goes to university. (we don't need to know) but she may end up anywhere in the country or the world. She may decide to go to NYC, SFO, Chicago, The florida keys, who knows??

I think you are rushing to judgement. I have a rising 13 yr old, who loves art, theater and swim team. Does that mean he will be 'gay'? All I know is he is happy - whom ever he grows up to be - I will love him no matter what.


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## AConcernedMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *zebra15*
> 
> I say this as gently as possible. Your daughter is away at college. that means she is an adult. She is free to make her own decisions, yes you still are her parent, but she can date/have a relationship with whom ever she chooses.


I'm not trying to control any relationships she might have. That was not the point of my post. I just wanted advice on how to handle the possibility that she does turn out to be gay, so that I wouldn't say something to her that I would regret later.

Quote:



> There could be a million reasons for the books, for her actions, for her attitudes.


I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions, although I would love to find out I'm wrong. The books I found are rather pornographic, and she has NEVER shown any interest in boys. I just don't see another explanation.


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## Linda on the move

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> The fact is that her life will be harder if she is gay.
> 
> Again, I should have chosen my words more wisely. I was upset last night, and I've had some time to calm down. I didn't mean to imply that being gay is abnormal, just that her life will be different. She can't get married, having kids will be so much harder for her, people who don't even know her will hate her, etc. I realize that she may want different things out of life than I want for her, but *it is still hard to let my vision go.*


I really disagree with you. I know gays and lesbians with great lives, and heterosexuals whose lives are very difficult and painful. Having a happy life is a lot more complex than which gender we are attracted to.

I live in a part of the country where it really isn't a big deal and there are MANY openly same sex couples. Some one hating them would be seen as very backward and ignorant. Your DD may decide to move to a part of the country that is more open and liberal.

Let your vision go -- even if you find out she is straight, let your vision go. This is her life, to live her way. Your vision doesn't have anything to do with it.

I think the first step of having a happy life is accepting ourselves. I think that the more we get messages that we are fine just like we are (how ever we are!) the easier it is to be happy.


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## mtiger

One thing I've found since my kiddo's coming out is that they are SO much more comfortable in their skin. So much happier. So much more the kiddo I remember from years back. Nothing to hide, nothing to pretend. There is more of an ease about them. And us.

Yes, their life will be much different than I envisioned when I gave birth. I laugh because I had pictured my son as my athlete, and my daughter as my girlie girl. LOL So much for that assumption. My daughter is my athlete. And A's... my girlie girl. I have to say - if I looked half as good in a dress as A does? I'd wear one all the time.


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## dalia

It takes a lot of strength to admit where you are and to say "I'm trying to change". Many people live there whole lives and they never get there.

It is hard to let go of a dream, but you need to make space for a new dream to come in. One where your daughter can live as her authentic self. She will be happier this way. And you will as well.

It sounds like you really love her. Good luck with everything. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction with your research and possible attending one of those meetings.

Hugs!!


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## AConcernedMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> One thing I've found since my kiddo's coming out is that they are SO much more comfortable in their skin. So much happier. So much more the kiddo I remember from years back. Nothing to hide, nothing to pretend. There is more of an ease about them. And us.


That is another thing that hurts me about this situation. If she is gay, I wish that she would feel comfortable enough with me to tell me. I thought we were close. I don't like the idea that she is hiding from me or that she feels she can't be herself around me. I'm going to make an effort to be more accepting, and hopefully she will open up to me.


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## AConcernedMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *dalia*
> 
> It takes a lot of strength to admit where you are and to say "I'm trying to change". Many people live there whole lives and they never get there.
> 
> It is hard to let go of a dream, but you need to make space for a new dream to come in. One where your daughter can live as her authentic self. She will be happier this way. And you will as well.
> 
> It sounds like you really love her. Good luck with everything. It sounds like you are heading in the right direction with your research and possible attending one of those meetings.
> 
> Hugs!!


Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement! I feel that I gave a bad first impression with my initial post, but I do love my daughter and just want her to be happy.


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## purplerose

I have a gay daughter...we live in the bible-belt, in a place where being gay is a choice, a horrible nasty sin, gay people shouldn't be allowed to adopt, and interracial marriage is still looked down on to the point I know gay men who won't date out of their race!! I have missionaries and deacons in my family, I was raised on James Dobson's teachings. No rock music, no dancing. I totally broke away from how I was raised, before even having kids, so I guess that is why it was not a big deal to me. I do realize my daughter will have a harder time in this area, but she has GREAT support in us and dh's family. She has a gay uncle, and we are very close to he and his partner. In fact I was friends with the uncle through high school, and married his brother later lol.

There's the whole line of thinking from parents thinking they are being supportive, that goes, "Well I don't agree with what you're doing but I love you anyway". I have been told by some gay people how very hurtful that is to hear. My own daughter says if anyone says that to her she will not ever speak to them again. People are going to say it...they LOVE her, but think being gay is something people choose bc they have a choice. Many religious people believe they are supposed to make sure everyone knows how they feel, no matter how hurtful. She hasn't come out to my side of the family, and I'm leaving it up to her.

And to throw it out there, there are lots of straight women who like lesbian porn.


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## mtiger

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> That is another thing that hurts me about this situation. If she is gay, I wish that she would feel comfortable enough with me to tell me. I thought we were close. I don't like the idea that she is hiding from me or that she feels she can't be herself around me. I'm going to make an effort to be more accepting, and hopefully she will open up to me.


I think that, no matter how close the relationship, telling a parent that you are fundamentally a different person than they thought you were is very, very hard. And one must be completely comfortable as that person to admit it. And it's still hard.

It could be that your daughter is still coming to terms with her identity herself, so doesn't want to jump the gun. It could be that she senses how difficult this will be for you. It could be any number of things. I know that, for my kiddo, it took time to identify and accept their identity. And then it took time for them to be able to tell me. Not because there was the possibility that I wouldn't be accepting, but that it would fundamentally change everything I thought I knew about my child. And despite our closeness - there was the fear that I wouldn't be as accepting when it came to my child. It was hard and scary for them to take that step. Yes, there were tears - on both sides. Their's were of relief to have it out, and mine were sadness that there could have been any thought that it would change my feelings for/about my child. But also happiness that they come to the point where they were able to share with me.

Don't forget, too, that it can be hard for a lot of kids to discuss their sexual identity, desires, etc. with their parent.


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## redpajama

First and foremost, if the books in question are indeed by Alison Bechdel, have you read them yet? Do.

If you think the relationship with the friend is "more than it seemed," my guess is that it probably is.

If you believe that being lesbian will make her life more difficult or complicated, if you think she is now subject to hardships she would not have faced as a straight woman, if you fear that she is going to be subject to prejudice and hate as a result of who she is, then make sure that you are the opposite of all of that to her. I don't think that being gay or lesbian is a hardship in-and-of-itself, but I think hiding your sexuality from your parents or family or friends is exhausting and overwhelming and stifling. Make sure she knows she is safe to be herself with you.

If you think her inability to marry in most states will decrease her quality of life, FIGHT for her right to marry whomever she pleases. Maybe you'll be part of the change that makes her life better. Or maybe she'll just know that you get it, that you care, and that her relationships--whether legally sanctioned or not--are legitimate to you.

And if it turns out this "friend" is just a friend, and your daughter likes boys, and she ends up married to a man and she bears a bunch of babies that she conceives through sexual intercourse with that man, will all that love and acceptance you heaped on her back in college be wasted? I don't think so.

And if she does turn out to be straight, STILL FIGHT for her right to marry whomever she pleases--someone else's lesbian daughter will thank you.


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## dalia

You are getting some wonderful advice, but I think it's true that the books don't necessarily mean she is gay. When it comes to porn, different people look at all sorts of stuff that doesn't necessarily reflect what they do/who they are in reality. It's a fantasy. They may not even want it to come true.

She's young as well, and those books may be the only things she could get her hands on. Perhaps it was just what was available through whatever channels she used.

All that being said, perhaps you already suspected and this was just the confirmation? Good luck with everything. Regardless of what happens it sounds like this experience will be good for your relationship with her.


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## CI Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> That is another thing that hurts me about this situation. If she is gay, I wish that she would feel comfortable enough with me to tell me. I thought we were close. I don't like the idea that she is hiding from me or that she feels she can't be herself around me. I'm going to make an effort to be more accepting, and hopefully she will open up to me.


I just want to point out that college is a time when most of us try on a lot of identities, some of which will stick and some of which don't, and when we also take a lot of steps of independence away from our parents. I think that not being comfortable telling your parents what you're doing is just part of the package. It doesn't necessarily mean that she's deliberately hiding.

I made my mom very uncomfortable when I was in college when I stopped shaving my legs/pits, became a vegetarian, insisted on wearing mostly black, and threw myself into really weird art projects. My brother made her uncomfortable when he got horrible grades and dropped out after 2 semesters to start his own sound company (for rock bands...which has led him to a very productive career, incidentally). My sister made her uncomfortable when she joined a fundamentalist Christian group and started coming home talking about sin & hell (my mother's Christianity was very love-based and liberal). My mom didn't live long enough to see my youngest sister start college, but no doubt something would have made her uncomfortable. Cuz that's what college students do to their parents.

Just some more perspective, which you can take or leave as you wish!


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## MeepyCat

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> That is another thing that hurts me about this situation. If she is gay, I wish that she would feel comfortable enough with me to tell me. I thought we were close. I don't like the idea that she is hiding from me or that she feels she can't be herself around me. I'm going to make an effort to be more accepting, and hopefully she will open up to me.


That's a reasonable thing to wish, but... Here you are, having a quiet, internet freak-out about the notion that your daughter may be gay. You've described yourself as feeling sick over it.

I don't think these reactions mean anything for your relationship with your daughter in the long-term, but your daughter might expect the freak-out, and might NOT understand that it's a short-term, adjustment reaction.


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## Linda on the move

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> That is another thing that hurts me about this situation. If she is gay, I wish that she would feel comfortable enough with me to tell me. *I thought we were close.* I don't like the idea that she is hiding from me or that she feels she can't be herself around me. I'm going to make an effort to be more accepting, and hopefully she will open up to me.


I totally understand where you are coming from. There are a lot of options here:


She's straight, which is why she hasn't told you she's gay. This could be true -- you really just don't know.
She's confused about how she feels, and rather than the problem being that she doesn't feel like you could hear her, she isn't sure what the truth is about herself so she isn't sure what to say. A conversation about one's sexuality is difficult enough with a parent without adding in something like, "I'm trying to figure this out -- may be I'm bi, but I'm not sure if that is a real thing."
She is a lesbian, but isn't ready to talk to you about it yet. 

(May be there are more options, as well).

My advice -- focus on the core of what you want for her and want for your relationship with her. You want her to be happy, you want her to have people in her life that are good to her, you want her to be true to herself and live authentically, you want her to know that what ever is going on in her life, you love her 100% and will always have her back.

By suspecting this ahead of time, its given you a chance to think through what you would like to say to her, so that if she does come out to you, you will be prepared to speak from your heart (not from your fears). You can tell her how happy you are that she told you, that gay or straight she'll always be your baby, and that you will always support her 100%.


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## AConcernedMom

Thank you for all the wonderful responses. You have all been so helpful to me.

Quote:


> That's a reasonable thing to wish, but... Here you are, having a quiet, internet freak-out about the notion that your daughter may be gay. You've described yourself as feeling sick over it.
> 
> I don't think these reactions mean anything for your relationship with your daughter in the long-term, but your daughter might expect the freak-out, and might NOT understand that it's a short-term, adjustment reaction.


Point taken. I guess it's good that I'm getting it all out now, instead of in front of her.

Quote:


> I totally understand where you are coming from. There are a lot of options here:
> 
> 
> She's straight, which is why she hasn't told you she's gay. This could be true -- you really just don't know.
> She's confused about how she feels, and rather than the problem being that she doesn't feel like you could hear her, she isn't sure what the truth is about herself so she isn't sure what to say. A conversation about one's sexuality is difficult enough with a parent without adding in something like, "I'm trying to figure this out -- may be I'm bi, but I'm not sure if that is a real thing."
> She is a lesbian, but isn't ready to talk to you about it yet.


I just don't like not having a clear answer. Ever since I found those books, I've been obsessing about the possibility that she might be gay. I think that if I knew for certain I could handle this better. I wish I could just ask her so that I could get a straight answer, but I'm afraid that will scare her away if she is gay.

Also this is kind of stupid (I'm just going to say it so I can get it off my chest), but I can't help thinking, what if she is gay and decides not to come out? I'm paranoid that she will never come out (if she is in fact gay) and that 30 years down the line, she will still be hiding in the closet.


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## erigeron

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> Also this is kind of stupid (I'm just going to say it so I can get it off my chest), but I can't help thinking, what if she is gay and decides not to come out? I'm paranoid that she will never come out (if she is in fact gay) and that 30 years down the line, she will still be hiding in the closet.


Think about six months or a year from now. You can cross this bridge then, if it comes to that. Six months or a year from now your daughter may have come out to you, or she may have gotten a boyfriend or proclaimed herself as straight, and it might not be an issue. But if nothing has changed and you think she is still closeted, you can approach the matter better then and you'll be a lot calmer. It's not like your window to discuss it is now or never.


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## mtiger

I dunno... I think it should be up to her to decide when/if to come out and to whom. Simply being the parent doesn't give one the right to make that decision.


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## purplerose

I think it is ok for us to ask if our child is gay, like any other question we wonder about our kids.


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## mtiger

I disagree, but that's okay.


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## meemee

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> I'm going to make an effort to be more accepting, and hopefully she will open up to me.


its one thing to 'be' accepting, its a whole nother matter 'showing' it.

the possibility of this being a 'not gay' thing might be equally a possibility.

she might also be figuring out if she is bisexual.

like others pointed out she might indeed be experimenting.

and if she is not sure how is she going to talk to you when she is trying to figure things out for herself.

i think there is a fine line with asking questions. if you want purely to know - dont ask. if you want to help her coming from - it can be done. but its tough asking the right way. it could go either way. deepen the relationship or make it worse.

i think you need to do a LOT of homework to gain knowledge of the whole issue - gay, transgendered, bisexual and others - emotional too - before you directly ask her - if that's what you want to do.


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## MichelleZB

If she is gay, she won't stay in the closet for 30 years. That's not really a thing anymore. So let go of that as a worry.


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## RStelle

Regardless of your daughters sexual preference, you really need to take a hard look at yourself OP, because you have a lot to learn about gay (and other not straight) people. Why is it that the idea of your DD being gay is so horrible to you? Why would you hope she is not gay? if she is, that's like wishing for a different kid. If you are truly worried about her happiness, then acccepting her for who she is is the best thing you can do for her. You say you are worried about her life being harder, but if she is gay, your negative feelings about it are probably the thing making her life the most difficult right now.

I am gay. Let me tell you what my life is like: It's great! I met my wife when I was 19, and we have been together ever since. We have a wonderful daughter and are trying for another baby. Sometimes I don't get enough sleep when my toddler wakes me up at night, sometimes we worry about money, last week we all got food poisoning at the same time, and let me tell you, that was hard! But I'm pretty sure that can happen to straight people, too, lol. Every once in a while I'll encounter a little bit of discrimination, a few weeks ago a woman at play group asked which one of us was the "real mom", for example, but that makes me think that I just need to keep working to make the word a better place, it doesn't make me feel like my family shouldn't exist! We have gone through some very hard times, including the loss of a baby, but not because we are gay, because we are human, and sometimes life is hard for everyone. We got through the tough times because we love and support each other.

After you have seriously examined your own attitude (maybe PFLAG can help you out), you can just say, "Hey, sorry if I'm being nosy, but are you and ____ dating? You know I'll love and support you no matter what".


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## dalia

I think the OP has been really upfront and honest about where she is at and that she knows she needs to work on some things. Everybody has to start somewhere. I am very impressed with the fact that she has really done some soul searching and has dug deep to explore her feelings. She is from a very intolerant part of the country, as am I. It's not easy coming to terms with what is right among so many that disagree.
I'd say that if she is using this to be honest with herself and say "I am trying to change" that that says a lot of her character.


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## skycheattraffic

You've gotten some amazing replies, OP. let me just add one voice. At that age I was figuring out who I was and if anyone, even my mom, asked me flat out if I was gay I would have been mortified and very shaken. I didn't show much interest in boys either before moving away for university but that's because I was very very private and shy about my crushes and never went past the point of thinking someone was cute or "dreamy". I had a best girl friend I was very close to and it was simply friendship, but we were teased about being lesbians in high school








In uni, I found my voice, made many friends and explored (in fantasy/chatting) sexuality and anyone looking in my diary or checking my chat history would totally have thought I was gay. For me the Internet was the equivalent of those graphic novels. To make a long story short, I maintain that I'm bicurious but today I'm married to a wonderful man, have a beautiful nearly 2 year old daughter and expecting my second child. I never shared any of my fantasies/turn ons with my mom but I figure it's not her business what gets me excited sexually. I think there's a good chance that your daughter is simply experimenting (whether in reality or fantasy) and figuring out who she is. I urge you to simply let go and tell her you're proud of the wonderful young woman she has grown into and love her more every day. If there is any news on her sexuality that is likely to have a big effect on her, trust that she will approach you in her own time. Otherwise she may simply be similar to me: enjoy some perhaps unusual erotica while not feeling interested in pursuing it in real life.

PS: I hope I haven't offended any of you proud gay mamas out there. I'm very pro gay marriage and am very proud to live in a country that recognizes everyone's right to unite with the person they love


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## estrelladelmar

AConcernedMom,

I read about your post on Autostraddle (a popular lesbian website that's been a great support system for me) and I'm usually not the type to post on forums, but I was moved by your post so I joined this website to give you a bit of encouragement, since I can relate to your and your daughter's circumstances.

As a college student from a small, conservative Southern town and a very conservative, religious family who has recently come to terms with my own sexuality, I can relate to your daughter. Even though I've always been very liberal politically and very supportive of LGBTQ equality, I grew up in an area that isn't -- for example, my high school banned gay couples from prom, and LGBTQ people in my state can be fired on the basis of their sexual orientation. When I went away to college and began to put together the pieces of the puzzle to fully grasp that I was gay, I felt horrified; I was afraid that I was going to go to Hell, and prayed that somehow I'd be turned straight. I was also terrified that I would have to hide my identity from my friends and family. It sent me into a deep depression and I struggled with it for a year before finally coming to realize that a) God still loves me, b) my friends still love me, and c) my mother and my sister will eventually come to terms with this when I come out to them, and likely my Dad, too, although it may take him a long time. Please know: I fully support everyone in the LGBTQ community, but it's one thing to support others, and another thing entirely to see this in the mirror everyday. Coming out to myself was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I haven't come out to my family yet because we've been going through a tough time with my mother's and my sister's health, and I don't want to burden them (and also because my sister will tell the world, and I'm a very private person and don't want many others to know just yet). But mainly, I haven't come out because I couldn't ask others to accept this in me before I fully accepted it in myself, which I now have. I recognize that I will be a much better person for being gay: I more compassionate and open-minded, and feel that I've been put on this earth at this time, in this place, to make a difference and stand up for equality.

My personal recommendation would be to make LGBTQ-friendly remarks to your daughter (perhaps about a news story about gay rights) to let her know that you are open-minded (once you come to terms with this, in your own time). And reaffirm every chance you get that you love her and support her no matter what, because if she is coming to terms with this herself, this could very well be a difficult time for her. Be kind to yourself; understand that this process is not easy, especially for those living in conservative rural areas. And use PFLAG as a resource if you wish; I was hesitant to go because I was afraid that I'd see people I know there, who'd "out" me in the community, but PFLAG is supposed to be an anonymous "safe space." That being said, my local PFLAG is tiny and while it's great support for many LGBTQ people and their, it didn't really help me personally. What helped me most was finding support on the Internet, and seeing that there are so many other people out there who feel just as I do, and who go on to live happy, normal lives in which their sexuality isn't a big deal.

I'm sorry that this is a long post, and I don't mean to be egocentric by posting about my struggles; I just hope that perhaps it can help you and any other moms who are looking at this forum, who perhaps are wondering whether their children are LGBTQ. I understand how difficult this struggle is for you, and send you a hug and wish you all the best. In fact, big thanks and hugs to everyone who has posted -- you guys are awesome!!


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## purplerose

I guess this shows ymmv as far as asking our children...my own daughter was happy I asked and to have it out there. I guess we should know our kids and how they'd feel, some people definately wouldn't be ok being asked. And for our family, the kids have been raised seeing gay as a normal part of life so it was easier, I think.

<hugs> estrelladelmar...I hope your mom&sister's health gets better soon, and your telling them goes smoothly.


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## AConcernedMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *RStelle*
> 
> Regardless of your daughters sexual preference, you really need to take a hard look at yourself OP, because you have a lot to learn about gay (and other not straight) people. Why is it that the idea of your DD being gay is so horrible to you? Why would you hope she is not gay? if she is, that's like wishing for a different kid. If you are truly worried about her happiness, then acccepting her for who she is is the best thing you can do for her. You say you are worried about her life being harder, but if she is gay, your negative feelings about it are probably the thing making her life the most difficult right now.


I didn't mean to offend you or anyone else. I know that I need to change my feelings about this, and I'm working on that. And I realise that my negativity would only hurt her more, which is why I'm having it out on an internet forum instead of going straight to her.


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## AConcernedMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *skycheattraffic*
> 
> I think there's a good chance that your daughter is simply experimenting (whether in reality or fantasy) and figuring out who she is. I urge you to simply let go and tell her you're proud of the wonderful young woman she has grown into and love her more every day. If there is any news on her sexuality that is likely to have a big effect on her, trust that she will approach you in her own time. Otherwise she may simply be similar to me: enjoy some perhaps unusual erotica while not feeling interested in pursuing it in real life.


Yes, I may have overreacted, and I'm starting to calm down about the whole thing. I'm trying to just let go and stop myself from constantly wondering "Is she, or isn't she?" because I will only drive myself crazy if I keep this up, but that is easier said than done. I guess/hope I'll get there eventually.


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## AConcernedMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *estrelladelmar*
> 
> But mainly, I haven't come out because I couldn't ask others to accept this in me before I fully accepted it in myself, which I now have. I recognize that I will be a much better person for being gay: I more compassionate and open-minded, and feel that I've been put on this earth at this time, in this place, to make a difference and stand up for equality.
> 
> My personal recommendation would be to make LGBTQ-friendly remarks to your daughter (perhaps about a news story about gay rights) to let her know that you are open-minded (once you come to terms with this, in your own time). And reaffirm every chance you get that you love her and support her no matter what, because if she is coming to terms with this herself, this could very well be a difficult time for her.


I'm sorry that you have struggled so much, and thank you for your response. I'm going to avoid asking her outright and work on doing what you have suggested. I've missed this month's PFLAG meeting (I also got nervous that someone might recognise me), but I'm going to give them a call and see if I can find someone to talk to.

I hope everything goes well for you when you tell your mom and sister.


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## meemee

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AConcernedMom*
> 
> Yes, I may have overreacted, and I'm starting to calm down about the whole thing. I'm trying to just let go and stop myself from constantly wondering "Is she, or isn't she?" because I will only drive myself crazy if I keep this up, but that is easier said than done. I guess/hope I'll get there eventually.


Congratulations mama!!! you are entering one of the best times of your life. As you struggle through this period, as you struggle to figure out who YOU are and what matters to YOU, you are entering a new phase of your life. and if you are nearly 40 or there, it indeed is THE best time of your life. or you'll be there soon.

you are just sooo awesome. you have publicly started a conversation that many should be talking about but are afraid to do so. you are working so hard to let go of your social conditioning and change.

i like estrella's ideas about online help. if you have netflix perhaps you can watch some documentaries on this issue. when you see what they go through how can one not be moved.

*Estrelladelmar* thank you so much for coming here to post your views. you have given me a perspective that i havent had before. I just love how you are so confident about your family. how well you know them. on a different issue i felt the same about my parents. my mom was open but my dad took a while to come around - but eventually they did.

Wish you the best with your family and hope your mom and sister are on the road to recovery and you the strength to get through this. and as a mother let me tell you this - no matter what you do - no matter how shocking you are - you mother will always love you. she might show you differently outside, but know that is her issue she is struggling with. she will always love you.


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## estrelladelmar

skycheattraffic - congrats on finding love and on , and thank you for being so open about your past! Also, thank you for being an ally. 

purplerose - hugs back, and thank you for being such a great mom. Your daughter (and your other kids) are lucky to have someone so supportive and open-minded.

And AConcernedMom, that goes you for, too - clearly, you wouldn't be so concerned about this if you didn't care about your daughter very much and go above and beyond for her. I'm glad that you've found some peace (it's certainly a process!) with this. From what I've heard from others who've come out to families who accept them, their bonds with their families grow deeper and stronger, and regardless of whether your daughter is "straight" or not, I hope that this is the case for you. And perhaps it's better that you have some inkling of what she is going through so that you can deal with it at your own pace, rather than having her shock you with news for which you are unprepared.

Your idea about calling PFLAG is a good one, as I did the same thing and they offered to counsel me over the phone and/or meet one-on-one anytime. It can be a great way to receive support and perspective. meemee's suggestion about Netflix documentaries is a great idea, too. If it's not too much trouble, please let us know how things go with your daughter, and best of luck to you!! Our thoughts are with you.

meemee - thank you for your kind, wise words and your support. I know in my heart that you're right about my mom, and I'm so grateful and fortunate to have her. I can't wait for the day when I don't have to keep this secret from her and from the rest of my family, and can finally be honest with them. I'm so glad that your family came around to fully support you, despite your Dad's initial hesitation. It can be such a wonderful growing experience for family members and friends (and for us, of course!) if we approach it with the right perspective. Take care!!


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## estrelladelmar

skycheattraffic - congrats on finding love, and on expecting a new addition to your family! Thank you for being so open about your past, and for being an ally 

purplerose - hugs back, and thank you for being such a great mom. Your daughter (and your other kids) are lucky to have someone so supportive.

And AConcernedMom, that goes you for, too - clearly, you wouldn't be so concerned about this if you didn't care about your daughter very much and go above and beyond for her. I'm glad that you've found some peace (it's certainly a process!) with this. From what I've heard from others who've come out to families who accept them, their bonds with their families grow deeper and stronger, and regardless of whether your daughter is "straight" or not, I hope that this is the case for you. And perhaps it's better that you have some inkling of what she is going through so that you can deal with it at your own pace, rather than having her shock you with news for which you are unprepared.

Your idea about calling PFLAG is a good one, as I did the same thing and they offered to counsel me over the phone and/or meet one-on-one anytime. It can be a great way to receive support and perspective. meemee's suggestion about Netflix documentaries is a great idea, too. If it's not too much trouble, please let us know how things go with your daughter, and best of luck to you!! Our thoughts are with you.

meemee - thank you for your kind, wise words and your support. I know in my heart that you're right about my mom, and I'm so grateful and fortunate to have her. I can't wait for the day when I don't have to keep this secret from my family and can finally be honest with them. I'm so glad that your family came around to fully support you, despite your Dad's initial hesitation. It can be such a wonderful growing experience for family members and friends (and for us, of course!) if we approach it with the right perspective. Take care!!


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## LLQ1011

IDK but those kinds of novels are really popular right now. a lot of them have those kinds of themes. I myself have read many of them with all different sexualities. I think you are overreacting.


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## AConcernedMom

Thank you all so much for your help, once again. I will keep you posted if there are any changes (like if she comes out or if she ends up finding a boyfriend I I realise I've been an idiot about this whole thing).


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## beanma

AConcernedMom, have you seen the letter from a Dad to his gay son that is going viral now? It might give you something to aim for when the time comes. http://now.msn.com/dad-reportedly-writes-letter-to-son-about-coming-out-of-the-closet I'm not advocating you writing a letter now since your daughter's situation really seems ambiguous at the moment, but what an admirable attitude the Dad displays.

I like the suggestion about making comments about gay rights issues that come up in the news to let her know that you are supportive w/o confronting her. Being confronted by a parent about sexuality whether straight or LGBT is never comfortable for most people. How many of us like talking about sexuality with our moms? I know I don't want to!

I live in the South and have many gay friends if that's any comfort.

Best of luck on your journey!


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## sunawu

I understand how you feel. So do I. I want my kids to have a normal, happy life.

I don't think it is a good choice to confront her about the books. Trying to share her about your loving stories, find out what's her idea to having a BF or to love.


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## dauphinette

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MeepyCat*
> 
> I assure you, there are gay people in Arkansas.


I lived in Arkansas and I do relate to what the OP is saying. It can feel like there are no gay people and in some towns I am sure there are few if any openly gay people. But times are changing and there are certainly resources available. But Arkansas is not the best state you could live in for exposure to a thriving happy gay community by any means so I do get where the OP is coming from.


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## Demixl

Hi to everyone here. I expect that you are too concerned about your daughter. She is just have some books and romance it's doesn't mean that she has lesbian orientation. I work colleagues is also reading some romance about lesbian that contains erotic. Lesbian erotica is a new trend , the most exited drama about relation and sex is about homosexual so do not judge your daughter but first you should to speak with her.


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## Demixl

Demixl said:


> Hi to everyone here. I expect that you are too concerned about your daughter. She is just have some books and romance it's doesn't mean that she has lesbian orientation. I work colleagues is also reading some romance about lesbian that contains erotic. Lesbian erotica is a new trend , the most exited drama about relation and sex is about homosexual so do not judge your daughter but first you should to speak with her.


Nice book, this authore is the most well know contemporate writer who make book about lesbians and open their secrets


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