# Had my worst parenting moment today



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I'm so very upset about what happened today. I'm posting for support, and some good advice on what I could/should have done...

We go to a music class at a local rec centre.There is a rather large playground right outside, fully enclosed and gated, and we often visit it after class. Because we drive to this class, I don't have my stroller and I'm carrying DS (sometimes I bring my sling, but today I didn't).

We'd been there for about 30 minutes and it was time to get going. I gave DD her five minute countdown, something we've been doing since she was 18 mos old. When it was time to go, she said she didn't want to go. I tried the usual calm approach, explained that her Deda (grandpa) was coming and we had to get home. No deal. She refuses to come with me.

Meanwhile, DS is ready for a nap, and very fussy, wriggly, and screeching. He's over 20 lbs and alot to carry, along with a diaper bag...Normally I would have picked DD up, but I had absolutely nowhere to put DS down, and even if I did I could not have carried both of them to the car. The car was too far away for me to put him in there and come back and get her.

DD walks to the other end of the playground and sits down. I follow her and again try to explain we need to go, being positive, etc...still no deal. She starts screeching "noooo! I don't want to go!!". Now I'm starting to get angry. I've never been in this situation before, and I have no idea what to do next.

So I"m stuck there wondering what the hell I'm going to do. I'm getting angrier, feeling watched by all the '1-2-3-you're-in-trouble" nannies in the corner, feeling that my almost-3 year old is calling the shots here and I'm rapidly losing control of myself. I don't know what to do. I think maybe I should just wait it out until she's ready to go, but that just feels wrong. She's not in charge, I am.

And then words start coming out of my mouth that I hate. "I'm not impressed!", "You are making me so angry." "Everybody is waiting for us at home", "You need to come with me NOW", etc. And while I'm saying these words I'm hating them, hating myself for being such a failure that I can't figure out how to get her to come without scolding. This is not the sort of parent I want to be.

Finally, I decide I'm tired of negotiating. I tell her I'm not discussing it anymore, that I'm goign to walk over to the gate and wait for her there. It's a fair distance, and when I turn around at the gate, my view of her is blocked by the big slide. Part of me thinks "good, maybe she'll come looking for me" but I'm very much against using fear of abandonment as a motivator, so I move to where she can see me. I can't hear her, but I realize from her body language that she is crying hard. I feel like shit. She thinks I disappeared. So I go back to her, thinking all the while that the other parents are probably thinking I'm a sucker by now.....I ask her if she is scared that I was leaving. I tell her I would never leave her, ever, that I was just going to wait at the gate. Now she seems willing to come, she follows me, then halfway there she turns around and starts going off to some other thing.

I lost it. And I did something I feel totally rotten about. I walked over to her and yanked her beloved "train book" out of her hands, then her "baby jaguar" and said something like "you want them? come to the car!". I basically took them hostage.







The train book is a lovey, a security item she carries everywhere, sleeps with...you know...it's her special toy. And not only did I grab, something I always tell her we shouldn't do, but I took her precious thing away. So of course she lost it and followed me all the way bawling her little heart out. And I hated myself even more, all the while thinking "why did this have to be the one thing that I thought of that worked? I suck!!!".

I hate myself. I cried all the way home. I'm crying again now. Oh yes, I can say "in the future,..", like "in the future" I will bring a stroller with me to put DS in while I carry her to the car, etc....but the point is sometimes things happen like this that are unexpected and I need to figure out a better way of dealing with this. As someone recently posted on another thread, when I found myself out of ideas and over my head, I resorted back to my childhood experiences. My mother is a fabulous woman but she has one hell of a temper and fear was our primary motivator. I don't want to scold my child into behaving. And that is all I could think of to do. I felt ineffective, helpless, and I spoke to my child in ways I hate...

Any support and suggestions would be much appreciated.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

The only thing I can say is that I think we all have those moments, and, while it was a crummy situation, I think it's ok that once in a while our kids see us get mad. I think you now have a perfect opportunity for talking to your daughter about expressing anger and highlighting ways NOT to do it.

Yes, your daughter is very young and was probably very upset by this. But I don't think you have done permanent damage to her.










Namaste!


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## orangecanoe (Aug 3, 2003)

Sorry that you ran out of ideas, mama! It had to have been so hard in the moment to feel so flustered and 'watched' while you were trying to sort out the situation.

In my experience w/ a three year old and park/playground situations with not wanting to leave, one of the few things that seemed to work was to use some humor and kind of agree/empathize w/ her that it was really hard to leave the park because it had been really fun and then recount some of the things we had done---playing with another child, sliding, pushing her brother on the swing, etc. Or sometimes joking about wanting to stay there forever and asking her where she thought we would sleep if we stayed overnight...on the slide? in a swing? under the playscape? under the tree?


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## mama_nomad (Apr 11, 2005)

Oh, i've done that. I've also grabbed her under me free arm and hauled her kicking and screaming, while just looking past anyone that might be watching. Yuo have to not care what others think because they don't know whether you do it all the time or if this was your one and only breakdown. I've done lots of mommy no-no's but I 've learned that it's really importnat to apologize to your child when things have calmed down and explain what happened honestly, how you felt and that you made a mistake and will try harder and that you love her very much (which i am sure she knows, but you can never hear it too often.

I guess one thng you could have tried (and I don't often have to patience to do this) is to get her level and ask why she doesn't want to go, agree with what she is feeling "yeah, it is really fun here and what a cool big playground!" get enthused with her,tthen say how sorry you are that you have to leave but that we'll definately come back and play again. Mean what you say, but make a big point to validate her feelings.

After you talk about it, LET IT GO. never forget it but don't beat youself up. you are a loving ,wonderful, compassionate mama which means your little ones are very, very blessed and we all make mistakes.

keep up the good work, mama


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*









The only thing I can say is that I think we all have those moments, and, while it was a crummy situation, I think it's ok that once in a while our kids see us get mad. I think you now have a perfect opportunity for talking to your daughter about expressing anger and highlighting ways NOT to do it.

Yes, your daughter is very young and was probably very upset by this. But I don't think you have done permanent damage to her.










Namaste!

I was going to say the exact same thing. I have done so many things that I felt crappy about at the moment, things I couldn't believe I was doing/saying at the time. I make a point to apologize to ds later about it, explain to him that I was angry but should not have acted that way. I also use it as an opportunity to explain to him that it is very frustrating when he doesn't listen to me, and try to coach him into brainstorming with me about what we can do next time that happens (I don't get very far with this, to be honest, but I like the idea of it so I keep trying!).

The only thing I would have done differently is picked her up crying and screaming, with each kid under an arm like a football. I understand if you can't physically do this, but it's the only thing I know to resort to the rare times that we have to leave and ds just won't move. It's not pretty, and it hurts my back, but I figure I can just get him out of the playground/wherever we are, then we can regroup.

Sometimes when the situation has escalated way too far, I give ds the opportunity to try it again. So maybe apologizing for taking the train book, and giving her the opportunity to try again - try listening to you when you say it's time to leave, and walking nicely out of the playground with you.

But more important than what you could have done is that you don't beat yourself up too much about it now. (Yeah, that's a good one coming from me!) If your dd is anything like my ds, she'll be saying things like "Remember when you took my train book?" Or when I get angry "Don't take my train book!" and then I get to feel like crap all over again. But you have to take comfort in knowing that you are doing a fantastic job 99% of the time, which is going to make a much bigger impact on them than the 1% of the time that you lose it. And if you didn't make any mistakes or face any tough situations then you wouldn't continue to grow as a mom and a person.


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## Jordansmommy (May 26, 2004)

Hugs to you mama. We all have our bad days. Your DD knows you are a loving respectful mama because of the five million other moments where you handled things just right









And heck, you are my GD role model!


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Huge hugs and welcome to the club of "I've been there"! I know it's not one you wanted to join....

The only thing that has ever worked for me is to suggest a race or just yell out, "I'm the leader!" and start running.

But it's not always easy to think of every single little thing.

Remember, this is gentle discipline. Be gentle on yourself as well. All discipline starts with how you treat yourself so set a good example and forgive yourself, then your kids will know how to forgive themselves as well. The wise words of Becky Bailey: every moment is an opportunity to teach. I think she left out one part: it's an opportunity to learn as well.

I swear, we've all done things we're not proud of. Even those that don't readily admit it (like me).


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

Support coming your way!









It is a rare parenting moment when one of our children test us and we go away feeling like we've handled THAT well. Honestly. Much more often, if the kid really pushes, you are eventually out of options, or at least options that occur to you, and resort to do something less than YOU wish.

Now, be objective. You grabbed, not good. Next time, you'll probably remember not to, if you really try. You didn't mean to scare her. In fact, if she had gone with you, as you asked, she wouldn't have gotten scared in teh first place. Right? She did choose NOT to follow. Not that I'm recommending walking off, or trying to scare anyone, but this wasn't necessarily your fault, YKWIM?

I don't see that taking her lovey or anything else away as a bad move though, under these circumstances. You do need to be able to set boundaries, to NEED to go.

Now, I'm not a GD expert. I can only say what I hope, hope, I would have done, unser the same circumstances, while sitting in my living room, thinking and drinking wine. i mean, I'm under no pressure! Since picking her up was not a possibility, I would have taken her my the hand and attemped to walk out. I would HOPE, again, that she wouldn't have thrown herself to the ground and made me look as if I were dragging her! These things usually backfired on me! I think I'd try heatherfeathers' idea of humor first!

Next time, your right. Have the stroller. Will she remember this time? If so, I'd impress upon her that if she didn't come when it was time to leave, we'd be skipping this part of the trip NEXT time. But only if she can remember.

DOn't be hard on yourself. YOu had a tough few minutes. It happens to everyone. And many more times.









Congratualte yourself. You didn't scream, throw things, freak out, grab _her_, etc.

(I said you have til the count of three a LOT to mine!)


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## lula (Feb 26, 2003)

Ok,







.

I think that you just didn't know what to do and so mentally just resorted to some instinct that all mothers seem to have somewhere. It is a new phase and new issues that haven't been experienced yet for either of you. Also, the added pressure of time constraints and the feeling of others evaluating your behavior didn't help your mind/processing. So you snapped, it happens. You are a human. (and frankly a dang fine one if I am any judge, I always look forward to reading your posts for insight and perspective on GD for situations that I am working on)

I don't know the best thing to tell you because I have had these moments and they baffle me at times. My dd does know however the issues I am working on and we have had several conversations about apologies, making mistakes and loving even when mad etc etc because of times like these.

Best wishes


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Once, before I was a mom, my dear friend and his mom came to our house for a meal. I think he was three or four at the time. We all got up to wash our hands. He said, "Mommy, I don't want to wash my hands." She said, "Okay." He said, "I'm not going to wash." She said,"Honey, I don't want to have an argument about it." He said, "But Mommy, I _want_ to have an argument."

(I'm sure the fact that he could actually SAY that out loud was part of the reason that they were able to cope with it!)

What do you do when your dc wants to have an argument, wants to have a conflict? With two kids, it's much more than twice as difficult. This is something that scares me. I am about 100X more reactive than you are. I am impressed that you kept as much of your cool as you did, and that you have such firm principles about parenting as you do.

I will keep an eye on this thread because I want to hear what people say about how to deal in this situation. In the meantime, I hope you have regained your equilibrium.


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Oh Piglet....HUGS

Listen, I USUALLY have to carry Goo out of the playground. She is given a choice about it and it usually doesn't involve screaming.

We all make a bad decision and with two..well, the dynamic changes...

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Ignore the other moms. I have learned to let them think what they think and screw them!







:

HUGS....


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Piglet









Please, please don't be too hard on yourself. You are such a good, thoughtful mama. You apologized. You learned how the whole thing made you feel inside. Honestly, in that situation, I've done similar things.







: In fact, since my 2nd son was born in August, I've acted in ways I've been ashamed of very frequently (sometimes daily). The key for me is trying to forgive myself. And someone here who I respect a lot talks about having a plan to DO something. It's not a plan to NOT do something. Like you can't say, next time, if the same thing happens, I'll just remain calm. It's flippin' impossible! You have to come up with a plan to DEAL with your escalating anger AND get your child to where she needs to be at the same time. Not an easy task with two or more kids.

Go easy on yourself. We're all learning.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Thank you all so much. I was constructing this post in my head while driving home, knowing I could share this with you all.









Oceanbaby, my DD has the same way of reminding me each and every day of past failures. She has started "scolding" things, toys, people, etc...the expressions coming out of her mouth, the tone of voice...a professional actor couldn't do a better job. It's me she's imitating, down to a T. It is sort of interesting to see that this is part of how she processes things, but it's also depressing as hell to see how much it has "sunk in" to her. Like this isn't just a one -time thing, you know?

Bearsmama, before my son was born I'd never even yelled at my DD. I really have to struggle some days for the emotional resources to get through these moments.

Some good suggestions, too, on how I could have engaged her more in conversation. I guess a number of factors combined to rob me of the patience required to work on a toddler's time scale.







And my DH pointed out that today DD had basically no input into our schedule. Usually we go for walks and she gets to decide where to go in the neighbourhood, and we generally stay at places until I can see she is ready to go...so maybe this was about her trying to exert some control in her day. I also realized that since I didn't have the ability to just pick her up, I panicked a bit, felt robbed of some "power" and perhaps engaged in a power struggle mentality too readily.

The extra eyes watching didn't help either.









Thanks again, you guys.


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## slightly crunchy (Jul 7, 2003)

I also want to say that I usually look for your posts and get a lot out of them.
I know you feel bad but if this is the worst parenting moment you have had, you are doing better than 99% of parents out there.







s

That sounds like an impossible situation and one I have worried about this whole pregnancy. Because even though I have given 10 and 5 minute warnings since ds was a very young toddler, there are still times at just-turned-three that I have to carry him away from the playground. I feel rotten about it but there it is. He has always had trouble with transitions. And I have been wondering how I will do it with a baby, even in a sling. So I have been trying some variations on the "leaving countdown" and they seem to be helping. Sometimes if I can see that he might have trouble but we really do need to leave, just before I get to the final "we are going" I will ask him "I can see you are really having fun today. We need to go in one minute. What do you need to do to be ready to go? Okay, let's do that now and then we will need to leave". For him it seems sometimes the time warnings are not enough and he needs some more concrete help for deciding how to spend his last bit of time. Or lately, instead of me calling out how many minutes are left, I go and tell him that we will need to go very soon. "How much more time do you need?" He usually says something like "four minutes". Then he goes and does his thing and comes to me and is ready to go, sometimes even sooner than I had needed or planned.  I know that none of these things would probably have helped you in the moment, but just sharing what is working here.

I think one of the hardest things for me about GD is learning to forgive myself when I screw it up. And I have screwed it up plenty of times. None of us are perfect.


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

It's definitely helpful to come up with a set plan for these types of situations. That way, you can do what you need to BEFORE getting to the point where you are losing control.

What I do (when I'm feeling sane, which seems rare these days, lol) is:

first, empathize. "Aww, you know, this playground IS really great. I don't want to leave either." That sort of thing.

Then: the crux of the issue. Stated very firmly: "But I need you to come to the car with me because grandpa is waiting at the house." I've noticed that parents who waver - in their voice or language, using phrases like "Okay?" and a sugary-sweet tone - don't seem to get a message across to a child very clearly.

Then I state it very clearly and concisely a couple more times. Then I give the choice:

"You need to walk or I will have to carry you."

If there's no response or the child is unable to be rational at that point, I simply scoop up with my free arm and carry the freaking-out child to the car.

While driving, I may commiserate about how disappointed she must be, but pop pop is waiting, etc.

After I do this a few times, they realize there *is* no other option and the power struggles cease for a bit.








It's very, very hard, I know. I have an intensely spirited and high needs 5 yo. dd and I'm just finally getting a grasp on all this stuff. Add to the fact that I'm an assistant teacher at my children's preschool and then have a separate job for two hours later in the afternoon taking care of a very special needs child, and I frequently have my less-than-pretty mothering moments, that's for sure.

No one's perfect; it's good for a child to grow up not feeling like they have to live up to some impossible standard of perfection. They learn through these experiences that everyone has a journey, and that everyone has ways in which they can become better people. It can be a very positive thing.


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## Laurel (Jan 30, 2002)

It must be the age, Piglet. My ds is the same age as your dd, and we've recently also begun experiencing the failure of the "5-minute-countdown". It used to work like a charm. I don't have much advice, because I don't think I've been the best parent either in those situations. I usually give him the 5 minutes, and give him the choice of walking out with me or being carried. I recently carried him screaming hysterically out of Barnes and Noble because he didn't want to leave Thomas the Tank Engine. I consider it a success if I can make it through those events and stay calm. But I always wonder if there is a better way, and why I can't think of whatever it might be.


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## JillChristina (May 24, 2004)

I can't really add anything more than has already been said by the other mamas. I just want to offer a







from another mama who had a horrible parenting experience yesterday.

Quote:

And my DH pointed out that today DD had basically no input into our schedule.
I think it's SO wonderful that your dh is able to give you such great feedback about possible motivations for your dd's behavior. It must feel great to know you can bounce stuff off him and get good input. Sometimes those who can see the situation the best are those not involved directly.

Hang in there!

Jill


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:

I also realized that since I didn't have the ability to just pick her up, I panicked a bit, felt robbed of some "power" and perhaps engaged in a power struggle mentality too readily.
This is always what does me in. When I feel totally powerless, I often do things I regret in a mad grab for power. I have a hard time maintaining faith in my ability to handle the kids when I feel like I don't have control over them.

My parents always told me that kids do a wonderful job of highlighting your weakest areas. And my ds1 has so far done a fantastic job of highlighting my reliance on control and power.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I think you did ok. Can't say I have done better in that situation. And in all fairness she really could have avoided this. She chose to test the boundries, she knew you were limited and took advantage of it. She chose to engage in a power struggle. Live and learn. you will both do better next time.


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

Piglet, my DD is younger than your and I havent of course run into that problem yet but I just wanted to say that I think you are a pretty fantastic mama and offer you a









I hope tomorrow goes much better for you!

Jen


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

piglet. having more than one child has been hard at times for me (sometimes many times a day :LOL). my upper body strength has improved, though, and i can fairly easily carry 25lbs in one arm and 32lbs in the other when the need arises.

i could have written your post many times over by now. i just apologize and resolve to do better next time. try to use it as a teaching and learning moment for both of us as a PP said.

i give you two stories of our day today just in hopes of commiserating.

today i had a good and bad day. the bad -- we were out at the botanical garden and dd1 (4) needed to go potty. while in the public restroom with one big stall i had to put dd2 down so i could hold dd1 so she wouldn't fall in the potty. while dd1 is perched i hear the door to the outside open and some women come in. shortly thereafter the door opens again and i hear the sounds of leaving. then dd1 starts kicking and hissing at dd2 because dd2 is coming too close to her while she's on the potty. i understand wanting a little space to do your thing, but this is mama's mad button getting pushed (kicking at the 16mo old), and i'm feeling really frustrated about being in the bathroom 'cause dd1 is not producing :LOL and public bathrooms with two kids are just not so much fun for me. so about the time i'm in full force saying things i'll regret to dd1 about the kicking, etc, i hear the door open again and somebody else leaving. whoever she was she had been there the whole time and heard all my ranting and raving and then left. i was mildly mortified







that someone had heard me hissing at dd1 about hissing at her sister. gulp.

the good -- well, this doesn't start off good, but while we were out dd1 left her new olivia the pig figurine at the botanical garden. she asked about it in the car and after i said i thought it was in the bag and we could look for it when we stopped i realized that we had left it. the garden was closed so there was no going back until tomorrow. i had about 5 minutes to think about what was gonna happen next so i had time to mentally prepare for the wails of anguish that can send me up the wall and wear my patience down to a nub in no time. since i had the highly unusual lead time i was able to be completely empathetic and the gentle parent i want to be.

all this is to say, if we all had 5 minutes to prepare for situations wouldn't that be great! 99 times out of 100, though, it's all in the moment and there's no prep time and i feel like i lose as often as i contain it. so i do what i can when i can, clean up the messes and resolve to do it better next time!

i've always enjoyed reading your posts, piglet, and think you have great gd advice.







. give your little ones an extra squeeze and go easy on yourself, too. it's a hard juggling job!


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## girlndocs (Mar 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka*
And in all fairness she really could have avoided this. She chose to test the boundries, she knew you were limited and took advantage of it. She chose to engage in a power struggle.

I am really uncomfortable seeing this "blame-the-victim" mentality here.

Piglet,







that must have been so hard to have people watching you! I know my parenting skills always seem to deteriorate when I feel like I'm being critically examined.

I totally feel you on the "why did this have to be the one thing that worked" thing too.

Often when it's time to leave a place like the playground, I'll warn Ds (6) that it's time to go in 2 minutes, then when it's time to go I say, "Time to go," gather up our things and go. It's _never_ a threat to leave him behind, as I've told him explicitly I'll never do that, but he knows I expect him to come after me and I'm not gonna stop or hang around waiting. I take it for granted that he'll come along and when he catches up beside me I smile and/or say "There you are." Maybe this wouldn't work well for your dd, though, I don't know.

I'm sure by now you've apologized to your dd and talked with her about it, and I think she's lucky to have a mama who can/will do that (I'm not even at a place where I can apologize all the time







: ). You're one of the mamas who's an inspiration to me.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Good grief! Not to discount your feelings Piglet, but my first thought is that if this was your *worst* parenting moment, then you are nothing short of a freaking saint! And I mean that with love.









I can totally relate to the situation being upsetting and I probably would have cried with frustration and disapointment too. But I think you need to accept that mamas sometimes have melt-downs too. If it were you DD melting down, screaming, and threatening -- then you would deal with it somehow and assume that she was tired or hungry or stressed out. I absolutely give mamas the same benefit of the doubt. You ran out of resources and you snapped, and it happens to the best of us. All you did was show your dd that you are human too.

Its okay -- really, really, really -- its okay!


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Hi Piglet,
I too always look at your posts for inspirations, so, I wanted to send you some








I too snapped yesterday (was it the moon?) because after I finally put dd1 to bed (an hour past her schedule) she wanted to check what colour her blanket was and wanted me to put the light on, this while I was trying to get dd2 to sleep. I told her, your sister will be upset, she is trying to sleep. No doing. She got up and switched on the lights to which I just screamed, histerically. Not at her. I just screamed that I was tired tired tired and needed some rest. I regretted it immediately and apologized, but still. I got the two of them crying








We all have moments like that.
For me the hardest things are these request for totally unpredictable things. I have no strategy and I feel lost.
The leaving the park thing is one that is recurrent, so I am sure you will find a strategy that suits you. I posted already about mine, which is to just say that I am walking away with little sister, and I am sure dd1 can catch up with us in no time, since she runs fast and has long legs!
Mommy to 4-year-old dd







and 2-year-old dd


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

sounds liek a really tough situation.

i honestly dont think it is bad for kids to see us blow sometimes, whenever it happens to me i always try and have an age appropraite talk with the child involved. i always start with an apology then an explanation of jow i was feeling and why i got mad. i then ask ds 1 how he was feeling when we were falling out and validate his feelings. then i try and talk about ways we can handle that situation differently in the future, what i could do differently and what he could do differently.

i think it helps them accept their own negative feelings and not be frightened by their own feelings of anger and perhaps even teach them life skills for making ammends after a falling out.

as far as situations for leaving places if my son doesnt want to leave i ask him if there is something he particularly wants to do that he didnt get a chance to do yet, if it is one or two quick things i make a deal with him that he can do those then something like have races to the car, go on an adventure to the car, walk like crabs/dog/fly like butterflies to the car. if it is just a general loads of stuff he wants to do i will ask him to remember so that we can write a list of things he would like to do next time.

we get season tickets to a cool theme park that we live close by and he never wants to leave but making a list of the rides that he wants to go on next time really seems to help as it gives him something concrete and reassures him that we will be back and he will get another chance to do the things he wants to do.

but of course sometimes none of these things will work and our dc will just break down and cry anyway and refuse to cooperate and we will get angry.

i think you are obviously a very caring and loving mother and that you should ditch the guilt, you dont deserve it, you were pushed to your limit and like every one out there who feels out of options you snapped.

i think that the way that we handle the situation after we snap is actually the most important part anyway as i dont think there is anyone out there that never loses their temper.


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## roundpegmom (Apr 11, 2005)

Piglet









I am pretty new here and from reading this thread, it seems you are one of the mom's that many turn to for guidance.









My children are 2years apart, so I can certaintly relate. I really like the suggestions that PP's have had, we can all use extra tools in our parenting toolbox. My favorite so far is "we are leaving in x minutes, was ther one more thing you wanted to get done here before we go?". I think that is great because little ones don't know how long 5 minutes are, but they will understand you have time for one more turn on the big slide.

Something that still works for us (my DD's are 5 and 7), we have a "rule" that if you make it hard to leave than we won't be able to come back. Having a fit at the playground kinda erases the whole fun experience. I have heard my DD's tell each other if one is balking "let's go so mommy will bring us back soon".

I know that it stinks when you think about how powerless kids must feel some times. But I have explained that there are some things I just cannot compromise on, issues pertaining to health and safety cannot be debated. People get onto me that I discuss with my children alot, that I will debate with them, and honesty-I do. If I tell you to do something, I have no problem explaining why it needs to be done. And since I have explained so much to the girls, I think they have a pretty good sense of what I am going to say "no" to.

Piglet


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

I just had to chime in again and tell you, Piglet, that I'm getting a lot of great advice and wisdom from this thread. I know it all started from a very trying situation with your kids, but it seems to really be helping many of us.

I really like what Oceanbaby (as always!) has to say. I really believe that children DO highlight our weakest areas. And much of our anger may come out of times that we feel helpless of powerless.

And Candiland made me think of something. I really DO believe that it is actually a GOOD thing that our kids see the full range of human emotion, and yes, this includes anger. Yes, it can be scary for a child to see mama explode or lose her cool. But it really does teach them that mama can get angry, daddy can get angry, and STILL everything can be okay, YKWIM? I'm not saying I WANT to be angry with my child, of course, but I am trying to see the silver lining in all the transition issues that I have come up for us, too, since our 2nd son was born in August.

I know that what Lilyka said may seem inappropriate to some, but I have to say that I although I don't necessarily AGREE with her statement about your DD "choosing" to test your limits and boundaries, there is *some* truth in this. For instance, a therapist friend of mine talks about kids needing to "know their right size" sometimes. That's not to mean that they should be belittled, ignored, lashed out at, etc. But *sometimes*, I think, kids need to know on some level that their actions DO have repercussions. Even if the repercussion is pushing mama to the brink.

Hope this makes sense.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bearsmama*
For instance, a therapist friend of mine talks about kids needing to "know their right size" sometimes. That's not to mean that they should be belittled, ignored, lashed out at, etc. But *sometimes*, I think, kids need to know on some level that their actions DO have repercussions. Even if the repercussion is pushing mama to the brink.

I think this is very true, and I think that if we don't help our children remember that they are not the ones in control, we are putting our kids in a place that's very scary for them.

Namaste!


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## PrincessMommie (Apr 16, 2005)

Piglet,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it is so encouraging to us newbies when the veterans here admit to mistakes...we sure all do make them! You have encouraged me!! I mess up daily...but what helps is to know that GD moms are certainly not perfect (it's not just *me*) and it's OK to aplogize, move on and try harder next time...you've set a very good example to me.


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## harmonymama (Feb 4, 2005)

BTDT. If that's your worst, I'm pretty awed, too. You've already received a lot of excellent ideas. The only thing I would add would be Becky Bailey's idea of two positive choices. Instead of, "You can come by yourself or I'll carry you." (which is sometimes be necessary, but can sound a little punitive) Try, "You have a choice. You can carry this lunch box to the gate, or run between the swings, what is your choice?" or "You can walk on the wall by yourself, or hold my hand. What is your choice?" Usually, it takes me repeating it 2-3 times before my son makes his choice, but this has really eliminated some of our major power struggles. Each time my jaw drops! The key is staying calm. And that's the hard part







.

What's really helped me in tough moments is taking a deep breath, and saying to myself, "This moment is as it is." (When I can get myself to do it.)

I know you already planning to have stroller/sling the next time, but just thought I'd mention I wouldn't be caught dead without my sling, because I do feel so powerless in moments such as those. The few times I have forgotten it, I actually feel naked :LOL


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candiland*
It's definitely helpful to come up with a set plan for these types of situations. That way, you can do what you need to BEFORE getting to the point where you are losing control.

What I do (when I'm feeling sane, which seems rare these days, lol) is:

first, empathize. "Aww, you know, this playground IS really great. I don't want to leave either." That sort of thing.

Then: the crux of the issue. Stated very firmly: "But I need you to come to the car with me because grandpa is waiting at the house." I've noticed that parents who waver - in their voice or language, using phrases like "Okay?" and a sugary-sweet tone - don't seem to get a message across to a child very clearly.

Then I state it very clearly and concisely a couple more times. Then I give the choice:

"You need to walk or I will have to carry you."

If there's no response or the child is unable to be rational at that point, I simply scoop up with my free arm and carry the freaking-out child to the car.

While driving, I may commiserate about how disappointed she must be, but pop pop is waiting, etc.

After I do this a few times, they realize there *is* no other option and the power struggles cease for a bit.








It's very, very hard, I know. I have an intensely spirited and high needs 5 yo. dd and I'm just finally getting a grasp on all this stuff. Add to the fact that I'm an assistant teacher at my children's preschool and then have a separate job for two hours later in the afternoon taking care of a very special needs child, and I frequently have my less-than-pretty mothering moments, that's for sure.

No one's perfect; it's good for a child to grow up not feeling like they have to live up to some impossible standard of perfection. They learn through these experiences that everyone has a journey, and that everyone has ways in which they can become better people. It can be a very positive thing.


THIS IS WHAT I DO!!! Whew, glad to know I am not a meanie. I always give Goo that choice before I scoop her up. And instead of adding "OK?" I throw in "Do you understand?" because I just NEED to say something there!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I wasn't blaming anyone. and I don't feel people are victims when they dig in thier heels and engage in a battle. people make god choices and peole make bad choices. and people hopefuly learn from choices. mamas make choices and kids make choices.

Not to discount Piglets feelings but the whole scenario just wasn't that bad. Sometimes it is tough being a mama and sometimes itis tough being 3 and learning to get alongin the world. No one was a victim. two people engaged in a power struggle and no one really won. ok.


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## Proudly AP (Jul 12, 2003)

i feel for both of you.

sometimes, if i am having trouble getting dd to leave a place, i'll ask her what animal she wants to be getting to the car (or getting her shoes on, etc)...a hopping bunny, or a roaring lion... doesn't always work, but often does.


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## mamalita (Jun 5, 2003)

Piglet, I too want to just add some support and a







. And I totally agree with mamaduck about the saint part! I enjoy your posts for the insight and gentleness they possess. You are a wonderful mama! Sorry you had such a challenging day.


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

Sounds like you are feeling disappointed that, when the pressure was on, you resorted to parenting that was not in line with your ideals. Seems like this is motivating you to work even harder to meet your goals. Strength and love to you on your parenting journey. xoxo


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

I know it feels bad, Piglet. It's over. You'll do better next time. It happens to every mom-at some point we don't live up to our ideals.

FWIW, I think you're a great mom. Your posts have taught me so much. I think your children are very lucky to have you as their mother.


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## sagira (Mar 8, 2003)

Piglet:

I agree with Sledg. Your children are lucky to have you as a mother.

That was a hard day. I had one of those recently.. but you know what? The fact that you think that was your worst parenting moment speaks a lot about your ideals and how gentle, kind and encouraging you are of your children on a daily basis.

I realized that too when I goofed.. I realized, to my horror, that I have control issues







: However, knowing your weaknesses is the first step in enacting change.

A wise person once said, "if you never failed, you would never know how to recognize or enjoy success."


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## 2much2luv (Jan 12, 2003)

You've gotten lots of great advice but I wanted to add just one thing that i don't think has been said yet.
When we're on a schedule I am sure to let them know well in advance what is going on. "we can go to the park now but only for a few minutes because we have to blah blah blah" or even "we have to blah blah blah soon, but would you like to play at the park for a few minutes first?"


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## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

Awhile back I made a post, feeling pretty bad about some of my recent feelings about how I was parenting. You gave a very honest, eloquent response. I read your response, took it to heart and made the determination to get myself on the right track.

I spent a few days soul searching, reading books on toddler behaviors, and was able to forgive myself and make the appropriate changes.

My relationship with my children has thrived since then.

My point is, that this may be your time to do some soul searching and resolve to get yourself back on track. Your words inspired me to find the strength in myself to get back to my job of being the best parent I can.

Your bad day doesn't sound like one of actions, rather more of attitudes. You were worried about what others were thinking, and maybe even questioning your discipline methods, thinking that they are 'too soft'. Your dd maybe sensed your feelings, and her actions may have been a result of seeing in your behavior something she had never seen before. Whatever the case, the day is now over, and you have many years left to show your dd your true self. From reading your posts, it is evident that you are a sensitive, strong, wonderful parent.

Give your dd some extra love and nurturing this week, and also give some to yourself. Everybody has their days, so don't beat yourself up. Your dd will forgive you, and you should most definitely forgive yourself.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Suzetta*
...this may be your time to do some soul searching and resolve to get yourself back on track. Your words inspired me to find the strength in myself to get back to my job of being the best parent I can.

Thanks, Suzetta, and everybody for the love and support. I did exactly as you said, Suzetta. I went to bed and decided "tomorrow is another day". I also picked up a good gd book for inspiration. Things are much better now.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Thank you for posting this, Piglet68 - there have been some good suggestions here. I have gotten some new ideas. This is a good thing, because I sometimes have to resort to carrying a screaming/crying toddler off to the car, and I have often wondered what I will do when he is too big for that. I guess I'm just hoping he will have outgrown it by then and I won't ever be faced with the prospect of having to carry a screaming 8 year old out of the mall. Eek.

Anyway - I'm glad you feel better and I'm sure your DD is, too.







I know from experience that it can be really hard to let these things go. Mama guilt runs deep.


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## danaalex (Mar 19, 2003)

i'm sure you're feeling much better now piglet







all of these mammas are a wonderful support system.

i just wanted to throw out an idea that works well for us with our almost 4yo. i would call it giving a choice/ultimatum kinda thing. like if my dd took her lovey to the park and i was gently trying to get her to agree to leave. and if i had my arms full and couldn't pick her up i would approach her and tell her that she has two choices, 1. she gets to hold her lovey and walk to the car with mommy now or 2. she hands her lovely to mommy and mommy gets to keep it for the rst of the day.

i use this technique when i am desperate. i'm not sure it works with all children, but we have good results with our dd. she really likes being offered a choice.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Nothing to add except a Hug, Piglet. I hope you’re all feeling better now.


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