# My first post in this forum



## GiraffeLovin'Mama (Feb 11, 2003)

I am 18 weeks today and had a level 2 ultrasound. I am a gestational surrogate for a couple who have been trying to have a child for almost 10 years.
Well, the news is not good. The baby has Dandy Walker malformation and there is no sign of a cerebellum at all. The peri said that the baby would have little chance of survival and if it did survive, it would be blind and have severe mental retardation.
The parents have chosen to terminate, so I will have surgery next week.

I am devestated for all of us involved.


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## Trishy (Oct 15, 2002)

Oh Chris! I don't know what to say. I am so sorry.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

I'm so sorry for you and the couple. How terrible for what *you* need to go through for this.







*hugs for everyone*


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## Nemmer (Sep 30, 2002)

Oh, I'm so sad for all of you.







to you all. May you find strength and peace.


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## ryansmom02 (Jan 8, 2003)

Chris what a great thing you did for this couple







to you and them...... My thought are with you......


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## Mrs. Edwards (Nov 14, 2003)

Chris, sorry but I stalked to find out why you needed the cheering up. I just don't think anything can turn how you and the couple must be feeling around. What a horrible situation and I'm so very sorry. My prayers/hugs/thoughts are with you.


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## chrfath (Jun 5, 2003)

I also stalked to see why you needed cheering up.

I am so sad for you and the couple. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.

If there is anything I can do please let me know.


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## jmofarrill (Oct 14, 2003)

Guilty for stalking here, too.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this, and for your friends, also. It' just terrible.


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

I'm sorry for your loss and the loss of the couple that you are a surrogate for. What a tough situation for you all. Is there any of can do? Please let us know. Peace be with you and the family.


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## GiraffeLovin'Mama (Feb 11, 2003)

Thank you all for your kind words for me and the parents.
Its going to be a long slow road to heal, but we are doing what we need to get thru it right now.

Any thoughts what I can do for the parents/????


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Remember to think of yourself too. I think it's wonderful to want to do something for them, but don't neglect you.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Chris {{{HUG}}} I can't imagine what you must be going through. I agree with Gemini, you MUST remember that this loss is part of you as well - both physically and mentally.

I've never heard of something like this happening. I'm trying to find a book or reference now - I'll post if I can find something helpful.

As a surrogate you've chosen to give a very special piece of yourself - what a beautiful gift. You've provided this child with warm and loving 'home' and giving so much of yourself to him/her. How are you feeling?

All you can do now is to be there for this couple and offer your support and understanding. Please lean on us here for the support you need. Though your situation is a bit different, I think the emotions and stages of grief that you'll go through will be universal. Have they chosen a name for the child? If so, use the name often when talking about him - not just saying 'the baby'.

Both before and after the surgery, you need to take good care of your body. Make sure you're eating well and keeping well hydrated. You're going to lose some blood, so you may want to start upping your iron intake. Leafy greens and beets are good sources of iron. Also red meats if you eat meat.

Make sure you're getting enough rest both before and after and please lean on us for support.

You, baby and the surrogate family are all in my thoughts.


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## Queen Gwen (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you and the parents are going through.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I'm so sorry, there are no words to express. What a wonderful gift you have given and to have this happen to you and the parents, just leaves me asking "why?"
Please take care of yourself


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## GiraffeLovin'Mama (Feb 11, 2003)

Thank you all for your wonderful support!!!!


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

giraffe, in both of your initial posts about this baby, you have said that "the parents have chosen to terminate." it sounds like the decision is out of your hands. i'm wondering if you are OK with this... the reading i've done (admittedly minimal) on dandy-walker syndrome shows that not all of these babies are profoundly retarded, and that some of them live fairly normal lives.

obviously, you need to trust the perinatologist regarding diagnosis. still, i could see being in a hard place, having a termination decided for a being that is within you... that's got to be difficult. were you involved in this decision? are you OK with how things are going along? if not, please be sure to TALK to the docs, to the parents, to your partner, to your counselor, to the baby... get your feelings sorted out NOW before you do anything you can't undo!

please forgive me if i'm making any unfair or impudent assumptions. i just want to make sure that YOU feel you are doing what is best, that you are being considered fairly and respectfully, and that your body and soul are given the honor they deserve. you have the right to be heard and to have the time to come to grips with any decision that is made.

abortion is such a difficult kind of loss... it is self-imposed, yet it still hurts like hell! to reject a being that, through no fault if its own, is somehow imperfect or inconvenient, is a heavy burden to bear. i know... i have had to make this choice more than once for myself. my heart goes out to you and the family you have been helping... and to your partner and children.

again, please forgive me if i have crossed any lines here. your story has moved me deeply, and i wish you peace and a gentle healing from this trauma. you have found the most compassionate and kind forum on the entire MDC board, and you will hear no harsh judgements or second-guessing here. we want to support you and your baby and your family in the best way we can offer.

every one of us here knows that sometimes the most loving thing, sometimes the ONLY thing, you can do for your baby is to say goodbye.

with deep respect,

katje


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

I don't know what to say









You have received some wonderful support and ideas. I am praying for you, the baby and the parents.


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## Satori (Jan 30, 2003)

I agree with katje, not all kids with Dandy Walker are severe, there are 5 Dandy Walker kids in our area and one of them belongs to a co worker. He's 15 now and an amazing kid, he's legally blind and you would not know it. Yes he's mentally retarded and has health issues but his mom wouldn't give him up for the world. I used to wonder what I would do if I got a kid even more special then the one I've already been gifted with and since I've been working with special families over a year now I've really changed my mind about a lot of things. Perhaps everyone needs to just step back for a few days and rethink? I'm betting termination is a knee jerk reaction to finding out there "perfect child" has a few extra gifts they didn't count on. What ever is done, make sure you agree with it in your heart and take time to care for yourself as well.


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## danaalex (Mar 19, 2003)

chris







i had an awful feeling when i saw your siggy change. i never imagined this though. how horrible for all of you. my heart is with you.


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## Clarity (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh, darling, I am so sorry. You know how deeply I understand what you're going through. I hope everything is ok with all of you...I know the parents must be so upset too. I'm sure you'll all figure out what to do. Please email me if you want to talk.


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## plum (Mar 7, 2003)

oh no, chris. i don't know what to say.










i am so sorry.


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## BeeandOwlsMum (Jul 11, 2002)

Chris honey, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It has got to be tough for both you and the parents.

I don't know the whole situation, but I want to say you are an amazing woman for being a surrogate.









This is such a tough situation, and one that almost none of us have been in. I can only offer my sympathy and support should you need it.


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## GiraffeLovin'Mama (Feb 11, 2003)

After doing much research on my own and the parents doing so as well, I wasn't completely convinced that termination was best so we decided to talk with others first.

Well, we have gotten another opinion from a well respected Director of Maternal and Fetal medicine in NYC.

Apparently children born with DWS can lead relatively happy healthy lives, if the characteristics develop after a certain point during the pregnancy. Apparently, this has been present since very early and there is nothing that can be done









It is truly heartbreaking and unfortunately it looks like the surgery will happen on Thursday morning. I'm as at peace with it as I can be.

We still are waiting to talk to one more doctor on Monday but it looks like everyone agrees.

My 7 yo dd said to me that everything would be okay. That G-d will take this baby to heaven and care for it and love it just like the parents would if they could and she'll also be with Mom-Mom (my great grandma who passed in Nov) and Mom-Mom will love her just like she loves the rest of us.
Wow!! What insight from such a young child, and she doesn't even realize how much better it helped me feel in going thru this.

Thank you all so much for your support. It means the world to me, especially with no family or friends near our new home. Everyone is back home on the east coast.


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## lisamarie (Nov 19, 2001)

My heart goes out to you (((HUGS))) and please know that we are here to listen.

Hugs~

Lisa


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## Freckles (Mar 8, 2004)

OMG, I am so sorry! I don't know what else to say. I think you are brave and wonderful to be a surrogate. My prayers are with and the couple.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Chris, I'll hold you all my thoughts. Please pm me if you need to talk.

I can't imagine what you must be going through and how difficult it must be for all involved.

Sending you hugs and a TON of support


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

What a difficult and heartbreaking situation. Please be sure to give yourself space to grieve. So sorry for the loss that all of you are experiencing. Your daughter's comment is quite profound.


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## tnrsmom (Apr 8, 2002)

chris, you know I am thinking of you and praying for everyone involved.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Oh, Chris... I am so sorry.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm very sorry for the baby, you and the baby's parents.

Peace to you all.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Chris, I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling.

What a incredibly difficult decision for all of you. I can't even imagine being in your shoes and couldn't possibly even begin to imagine what I would do in such a situation.

I will keep you and the biological parents in my prayers.


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## pugmadmama (Dec 11, 2003)

I'm so very sorry.


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## natesmommy126 (Apr 1, 2003)

Oh Chris, I am so very sorry. I'll be thinking about you. My heart breaks for you, your family and the parents.


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## milk4two (Mar 20, 2003)

I'm sorry, Chris.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Thinking of all of you today.


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## wemberly (Jun 26, 2003)

You all are in my thoughts...


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Thinking of you today and sending gentle thoughts.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I hope you are fine, and recovering.

You are in my thoguhts.

Fast healing.


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## pilesoflaundry (Dec 9, 2003)

I hope you are resting ok. You are in my thoughts.


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