# I forced my 13y.o. w/anxiety to go to camp



## thisiswhatwedo (Mar 10, 2008)

I forced my 13 year old son to go to a week of Y camp today. I think it was the worst thing I've ever done to him. Background; he has , since birth had social anxiety and selective mutism (can't talk to adults) He went to a different camp last year and liked it but didn't want to go this year. My solution was to send him to a shorter camp (5 days) and try some new skill (sailing). Well we signed him up last minute and he just freaked. He has been getting more and more isolated and finds most of his social life online on runescape. We fight to balance it and it seems that he is getting a bit depressed. We have started seeing a therapist. However, mindful of the mental health problems that are inherited in my family (anxiety, bipolar) I vowed, after reading a story about a young girl who became schizophrenic after being forced to go to camp, to never force him to go. But I felt it was my last hope to do something to pull him out of his funk, to get his body moving and to try something new.
I am very worried about him as he will not tell anyone if something is wrong, that he will have some breakdown there and some broken kid will be returned to me. Honestly last year wasn't like this. What to do?


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Is he in a day camp or a sleepaway camp?

If it's a day camp you can talk to him tonight and see how he's feeling- you don't have to send him the rest of the week if he doesn't want to go.

If it's sleepaway, you can call the office and ask how he's doing. You can go pick him up early tomorrow (or maybe even tonight if it's not too far away) if he's really miserable or withdrawn.


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## thisiswhatwedo (Mar 10, 2008)

well I was going to call in the morning, make him get through the night... it could go either way, he could really perk up or spiral down. I talked to the director before I left and I just don't feel that good about it. Like the camp was all new to us and I felt out of place and anxious because of his anxiety. Maybe I will call tonight. I'll sleep better.


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## momofmine (Jan 8, 2007)

If it were me, I would trust my instinct. It sounds like you know how you feel, you're just reluctant. If you want to go pick him up, do it. Don't worry about feeling like you made a mistake. It's done, but you can help him now, and if he's miserable, I woud not make him stay.
There are other ways you can help pull him out of his online funk and into physical activity, with you there to help him.
I would also start looking at some alternative health things that might help some (diet, supplements, seeing a homeopath).
Good luck. Trust your gut!


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

:

Go to his camp. Tell the director you need to talk to him - and do so. If he wants to go home - let him. He will only feel abandonned and alone if he is forced to go to camp, and does not want to be there.

As per Runescape - my Ds spends quite a bit of time on it, but he does see his friends quite a bit in addition to it. Can you use it as a jumping opff point for social interaction? Lots of kids in this area play Runescape at the library - perhaps you could do a library visit and he may meet some kids there? (my DS has).

I would take baby steps at decreasing his social isolation. Work with what he is interested in. Gaming or programming daycamp or workshops?


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## thisiswhatwedo (Mar 10, 2008)

I just called the camp and spoke with the director. He spoke with the counselors and they said he is happy. well the kids is never really that happy. My gut tells me to wait a day. Part of his social anxiety would actually make it worse if I showed up to get him. I do want to speak with him on the phone, but he won't want that kind of attention either. I may call and ask if they can find sometime , unnoticed for him to call. What usually happens is once he gets over the newness of being there and starts meeting kids he pulls through, but he is fighting with not just the usual social anxiety but also with depression at this point. If I take him home with out giving him a chance to adjust and have some fun he won't ever go to camp again. I think calling tomorrow and then asking if he can call me is best. But I feel like I may have gotten this whole thing wrong. What worked last year isn't necessarily what works this year.


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## mamato3cherubs (Nov 30, 2004)

I think you probably made the right decision. If he was in too bad of shape the counselor would have told you so. I think calling jsut as you said tomorrow is probably right on.

I feel if you were to pull him now, without really knowing how he feels, he could resent it. He might just really need this, as you mentioned before.

Hang in there mama, often times all these things and issues with our kids are actually harder on us than they are on them

Hugs!


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

If they say he's happy, then he's probably acting like it, which sounds like a big step with his anxiety. I would just call and check in a couple times a day.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Not to argue...but counsellors will not necessarily tell you if he is having a hard time, heck they may not even notice......

I know I sound harsh but I cannot escape the feeling that dropping off a child when they expressly stated they do not want to be there is quite wrong. It is a trust issue. Imagine if someone dumped you somewhere for a week that you did not want to be?

Talk to him - today (call if you want). Ask the counsellors to be discrete about the fact he is talking to his mom, but do talk to him.

Good luck!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thisiswhatwedo* 
I talked to the director before I left and I just don't feel that good about it.

I personally wouldn't take another persons interpretation of how my kid was doing in this situation. I'd talk to him myself, preferably in person.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathymuggle* 
Not to argue...but counsellors will not necessarily tell you if he is having a hard time, heck they may not even notice......

I know I sound harsh but I cannot escape the feeling that dropping off a child when they expressly stated they do not want to be there is quite wrong. It is a trust issue. Imagine if someone dumped you somewhere for a week that you did not want to be?

Talk to him - today (call if you want). Ask the counsellors to be discrete about the fact he is talking to his mom, but do talk to him.

Good luck!

ITA most likely they just chalked your call up to the typical nervous mother and have no idea how he is. And ITA regarding this being a trust issue.


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## LookMommy! (Jun 16, 2002)

(disclaimer - worked for 7 years as the Camp director's wife/ parent liaison)

Does the camp have a psychologist/advisor? You should definitely talk to someone higher up than a couselor. Ask them to report as many details as possible about your son. What did he eat? Who did he sit with during the meal? Did he talk to them? Did he participate in the opening games? Who is in his bunk? How many kids did he talk to? Did he unpack (not unpacking is usually a sign the kid is rejecting camp), etc. etc.

Basically, if you trust the camp, keep him there. They are professionals (hopefully) who are on your side. Homesickness usually takes 3 days for the "average" kid. The counselors should take notes on his behavior, stress the upcoming events, let him know that the beginning is scary for lots of kids, let him be alone when needed, and keep you updated.

They should know that your child has "issues" and that they need to make more than the usual effort.

If you don't trust them, bring him home, and praise him for successfully completing x hours. \

Good luck, Lisa


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## Mallori (Mar 11, 2004)

Quote:

do something to pull him out of his funk
Just wanted to chime in. I have social anxiety. It does not work this way. YOU can't pull him out of it. He has to make up his mind to do it. You can find ways to encourage it, but ultimately, it's up to him.

Depending on your son, you may or may not have done the right thing. I can't speculate on that without knowing him, and can't advise what to do now. It's a toss-up. I would at minimum make contact with him personally, and whatever he says, do. He needs to trust you.

I think your biggest mistake was the last-minute sign-up. That would have thrown me into a tizzy, esp if it was something against my will. With social anxiety, you need to plan. Talk about it for a while, let the idea sink in. He may be more apt to sign up willingly that way. Also, work with him. Figure out a plan so that he has a way out, ahead of time, such as calling home at a certain time, or agreeing to a one or two day trial, where if he can't handle it, he can come home. For me, it would be about getting through the beginning, that's the hardest. For instance, I learned that I can handle going to the movie theater, if I go early and sit on the aisle. If you put me mid-row, I freak out. That's one way I cope. It's all about having an out.

Lastly, talk to someone who knows about social anxiety, and come up with "exercises" that he can do to cope. It can be debilitating at times, but there are tricks to get you through social situations. It's different for everyone. Biggest thing, he needs to know the importance of being able to cope with it. I don't think it's healthy to stay cooped up all to yourself, relying solely on computer contact. He's gotta learn how to deal. It's ok to be introverted, but not isolated.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I was the kid who needed to be forced to go. 99% off the time, I loved it and was glad someone forced me.

I would give it more than one day though. It always takes me more than a day to warm up. I didn't always make a best friend, but I had fun, and I have good memories.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

Would it help you to have a plan? Your anxiety about your child sounds valid, but a little free-floating at this point. If this were my child (and I do have one going off to camp soon) I would speak plainly with the director about your son's condition, your concerns, your expectation of when you would be contacted about your child, under what set of circumstances you would ask for him to come home. Many sleep away camps don't have kids talk to their parents apparently because it lessens their chance at successfully working through homesickness and having a successful week away.

If you or your son has a therapist, perhaps that person would have some input about your son's stay, what would help him successfully navigate this experience, and what might help you feel OK about this process as well.

I hope it's going well. I hope you have some peace about your decision, and that your son has a meaningful experience.


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## thisiswhatwedo (Mar 10, 2008)

He is doing well. I just spoke with the "head counselor" and like the director who I spoke with before we left and then last night, I made it clear that he wouldn't be homesick, and that isn't the case, he has social anxiety. So tonight the woman I spoke with seemed to understand and went and had a long talk with his counselor. They say he is talking to everyone, including his counselor (which is a very good sign) participating and making friends. So perhaps my instinct to force him to go was right.
I want to explain two things 1. I have had anxiety, agoraphobia and panic disorder since I was a kid, it runs in the family. I went to camp and it saved me in a big way. I see my 13 year old becoming so isolated and I just had to do something, really, any of you moms know what I am saying when you know your kid you really know them on such an emotional level that it was instinctual. I had hoped it would be just getting there and getting into it that provoked the anxiety, it was just overwhelming how intense his reaction was and his fear. It was the worst I have seen him. it kind of came down to him saying "They are all going to be mean to me". But I feel and I told him, from my experience I have to do the things that cause me the anxiety, you have to be bigger than your fears. (sometimes though you gotta cut yourself some slack) Christ he has watched me cry or panic of freak on a regular basis for years when we leave the house but I have to do it.
2. I do fear pushing him too hard with this one but as I said I know him and the depression is there just trying to get a hold of him, I went through it at the same age. As an AP, peace loving free schooling mom I had to force this I hope you can see why.
The counselors are going to call me in the morning but if they are reading him correctly he is doing fine and my best hope is that he will feel better when he comes home and forgive me for forcing this one.
thanks for all the advise, I'm taking it in


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

You are an amazing woman.


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## MadameXCupcake (Dec 14, 2007)

Slightly different situation but..
I just wanted to add that around ages 13-15 I became very isolated and did not click well with children at school and spent most of my time online. My mother thought I was spending too much time online and decided to take it away so I would become more social. It was very spur of the moment, I logged onto the computer and it had a password. I went nuts, wanted to commit suicide, and do remember cutting myself. The internet was my only outlet and I had a few friends on there I talked too. I know thats extreme but for someone with anxiety and who feels alone possibly it really helps to have "friends" no matter where they are. If he feels more comfortable online he'll get it eventually in person,.. I did, once I learned how to talk to people online it really helped at school and such.
SO
On the happy side it was a phase and ended around 16 once I started my senior year of highschool.
As a previous poster said he has to want to get out of his rut.

Good Luck
and hopefully he is having fun. :]


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## SheepNumber97245 (Apr 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MadameXCupcake* 
Slightly different situation but..
I just wanted to add that around ages 13-15 I became very isolated and did not click well with children at school and spent most of my time online. My mother thought I was spending too much time online and decided to take it away so I would become more social. It was very spur of the moment, I logged onto the computer and it had a password. I went nuts, wanted to commit suicide, and do remember cutting myself. The internet was my only outlet and I had a few friends on there I talked too. I know thats extreme but for someone with anxiety and who feels alone possibly it really helps to have "friends" no matter where they are. If he feels more comfortable online he'll get it eventually in person,.. I did, once I learned how to talk to people online it really helped at school and such.
SO
On the happy side it was a phase and ended around 16 once I started my senior year of highschool.
As a previous poster said he has to want to get out of his rut.

Good Luck
and hopefully he is having fun. :]

^ My experience as a child was almost exactly the same. I was shy my whole life up until highschool, but i was extremely withdrawn and antisocial around 13. I think 13 is just a really hard year for kids in general. My mom also made me go to camp and on day 5 i broke down and cried. I didn't want to play with the other kids and i didn't want to sing f*ing Kum ba ya. lol I lived, and was more than happy to be home

...but on a side note: I wanted to call my mom when i was there and they wouldn't let me, even though I was crying. I would definitely call and ask to speak directly to your son.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Thisiswhatwedo:

Please be sure to share with him how camp saved your life and how angst filled you were about sending him to camp (that it was not an easy decision) - and that you really felt you were doing it in his best interest.

That way, whether he has a good camp experience or not (and if it is "not" - you may not hear about it till years from now, if ever) - he knows you sending him there came from a place of love. If it turns out to be a mistake, he will be a lot more forgiving if he understand _why._

kathy


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## DocsNemesis (Dec 10, 2005)

I dont mean to be mean, but my dh has anxiety and bipolar and he still remembers being forced to go to camp and hating it so much.

Everyone is different, even without psychological issues. I am a very shy person by nature, I dont like big groups of people I dont know, but I have a few friends. I just prefer to spend most of my time with my family; I wont object to meeting new people, I just dont enjoy it as much as my dh does (ironic since hes the one with anxiety, lol). That doesnt mean I'm wierd or should be forced to go to things I dont want to. I make the decision to go on my own terms.

Now, as for anxiety...dh refused to go anywhere for a very long time. A good chunk of that was simply that his meds werent working properly and he felt sick whenever we'd leave. He also explained to me that a HUGE issue for him is lack of transportation. At the time, we rode the bus everywhere since we had no car. The simple fact that he didnt have the option to just run home if he felt sick, MADE him feel sick and have major panic attacks. Since we got a car, he started going out MUCH more often and with a lot less anxiety. So I can understand from that perspective why summer camp would be scary and cause anxiety in him.

The other big thing for dh is knowing ahead of time what we are doing, how long it'll take, if we're coming straight home or not. He needs the planning. Now that his meds are pretty much right, he doesnt need much notice, but he still needs some. For instance, I say hey hun, I want to go to the store and to the mall in 2 hours. Then we can pick up dinner and come home. This gives him time to get over any initial anxiety he has and we can go out as planned-sometimes early too. It also helps when its someplace hes been before; he had bad anxiety the first week or so of his new job but since then does fine in the morning (he does get up 2 hours early and take his meds though and then goes back to sleep). Its a major adjustment having someone with issues like this but its also very rewarding to see the difference.

I say let ds come home if he hates it. I also say, dont worry if he is introverted and doesnt have a ton of friends. Yes, encourage him to do things outside the house, but dont force it too much. Allow him to make the decision. Id also sit down with him if you havent already and talk to him about how you can make it easier for him to do things outside the home and what his triggers are. If he cant handle not being able to just come home, maybe you can offer to stay at a function, out of the way, but just there in case he needs to go home. I know for dh simply having that reassurance makes a huge difference. I also know that when I tried to be forceful and push him to do things, he would end up in bed all depressed. Yeah, I still occasionally say get over it and make him go, but by now I can tell when he just doesnt want to go vs. true anxiety, lol. I hope everything goes well-who knows, maybe he's actually having fun!


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

I hope this experience is a positive one for your son, thisiswhatwedo. Sounds like it is, so far at least.

Quote:

I was the kid who needed to be forced to go. 99% off the time, I loved it and was glad someone forced me.
I was the kid that needed to be forced to go. 99% of the time, I was miserable in the situation, and resentful that I had been forced. I knew my own mind quite well, I knew when I wasn't going to enjoy something and I would try to communicate it. It goes both ways, depends on the person.


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## thisiswhatwedo (Mar 10, 2008)

Well I go pick him up tomorrow evening so I will let you know how it went. It has been very difficult to not keep calling but I do trust the Y camp enough that if he were having noticeable difficulty they would call. I will give you the update when I can, thanks for the support


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## thisiswhatwedo (Mar 10, 2008)

UPDATE- Picked him up today. He had a hard first day but ended up really liking it. He even volunteered to perform in front of a group! Also he asked if he can join soccer in the fall again (something he hasn't been able to do). He made friends and came back with some ideas about how he can feel better and about how we need to both be more respectful in our relationship. He is doing better, much better.
Mama knows (well she tries)
I did ask him if he was mad at me for forcing him, he said no but I can tell we need to talk more
thanks everyone this was really really tough but it worked.







:


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## SheepNumber97245 (Apr 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thisiswhatwedo* 
UPDATE- Picked him up today. He had a hard first day but ended up really liking it. He even volunteered to perform in front of a group! Also he asked if he can join soccer in the fall again (something he hasn't been able to do). He made friends and came back with some ideas about how he can feel better and about how we need to both be more respectful in our relationship. He is doing better, much better.
Mama knows (well she tries)
I did ask him if he was mad at me for forcing him, he said no but I can tell we need to talk more
thanks everyone this was really really tough but it worked.







:

yay!!!


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## Mallori (Mar 11, 2004)

Quote:

He made friends and came back with some ideas about how he can feel better
YES! Great update!


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
I was the kid who needed to be forced to go. 99% off the time, I loved it and was glad someone forced me.

I am the opposite. I had severe social anxiety as a child/teen/young adult. I mean severe. I would be absolutely terrified if I were put into this situation









Even though I am mostly over my social anxiety now, I still have the occasional nightmare about social situations I was forced into as a young teen.

After my experiences I would never ever force my kids into a situation like this.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Good update


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Does he go to a school during the school year? How does he cope there?

I think counseling is in order. He is still young and perhaps you can help him to change a little and become less anxious.

My oldest is 13 and has always been very, very shy. He gets anxious in social situations as well. He hates summer camps though and no way I would send him to one unless it's completely indoors, no water involved. He does not like to swim around others (even though he CAN swim) and will not take off his shirt (he's a bit overweight) and I respect his feelings. He also isn't in to real physical activity like these outdoor camps do like rockclimbing, water activities, archery, etc.

Isn't there a sport or activity that your son enjoys that you could get him involved in this summer? My son used to take science camps, has done robotic and lego camps, and other indoor camps. He is taking a couple of sports camps this summer as well, day camps. He would never do overnight because he is so shy. We take him to social situations around people he doesn't know and he will sit and not talk to anyone.







It's sad and hard for me to watch so I don't push it. I had it done to me growing up and it's not nice to do that to a child if they aren't ready.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thisiswhatwedo* 
UPDATE- Picked him up today. He had a hard first day but ended up really liking it. He even volunteered to perform in front of a group! Also he asked if he can join soccer in the fall again (something he hasn't been able to do). He made friends and came back with some ideas about how he can feel better and about how we need to both be more respectful in our relationship. He is doing better, much better.
Mama knows (well she tries)
I did ask him if he was mad at me for forcing him, he said no but I can tell we need to talk more
thanks everyone this was really really tough but it worked.







:

sounds great.







It probably helped that there were really nice people around him offering to talk to him and get to know him. I'm so happy for him! I hope he keeps it up.


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## mama_kass (Jan 11, 2003)

I'm glad everything worked out well. I have to *force* my oldest to do everything. He always complains that he doesn't want to do things, but then when I make him he usually loves the activity, and thanks me for the push. You know your kid. Sounds like you did the right thing.

You're an awesome mama for being so involved in his development. We ALL worry that we are doing the wrong thing.


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## DaksMama (Apr 9, 2008)

My son is 12 and also has pretty severe anxiety, and is also bipolar. I have had to start forcing him to do more stuff. I have found with him, that I may have to force it in the beginning, but in the end he has fun.

I think my son would flip at an overnight camp though.

I agree with the PP's that said if you feel like you need to go there and check on him then do it.

((hugs)) I feel for what you are going though, mama!!


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## DaksMama (Apr 9, 2008)

LOL, I just saw the update!! I am so proud that he made it through


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## thisiswhatwedo (Mar 10, 2008)

I want to add to the positive outcomes from camp. He was able to find an old friend at the local fourth of July gathering in the neighborhood and ask him over. They spent the day together and have made some plans to hang out more. Previously I had even drove him over to his friends house but couldn't get him out of the car to go say hi. It has been almost a year since they hung out ( both families ours and theirs have moved and go to new schools but live blocks away from another). His friend is also very shy . Then to cap of his good day he came over and cuddled with me at the fireworks show tonight. Ahhh moments of goodness in a sea of teen angst.


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## guestmama9915 (Jul 29, 2004)

Great to hear he had a good time!

I have social anxiety and maybe a touch of bipolar (bipolar ii?) though it was much worse as a kid!!

I think it depends greatly on the child. I am NOT really "shy", or at least not someone who wants to be alone, at least not inherently, though I always said I did and I appear that way because of my social anxiety. Because I didn't know how to talk to people, etc. But I don't *like* being a loner. So for me, forcing me into a situation would be great. My parents did not force me, and I wish they had.

So I think that's the underlying difference. If a child is truly social inside but dealing w/ other issues, perhaps forcing (persuading, whatever) is good, but if they're natural loners, maybe not?

Just thoughts.


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