# Thoughts on having one child or two



## Snapdragon (Aug 30, 2007)

I know there are lots of threads already on this type of thing. I don't know exactly what I am trying to get at here- I think just wanting to hear people's thoughts on having one child or two children. It is really a vague question so I apologize in advance!!
Basically- we have one baby and we are enjoying it







Dh and I talk about if we want to try to have a second child or not. I would say 80% or more of the time we both feel that having just this one would be the best choice for our life, and we feel pretty psyched about how that will all go!

And then there are other times where I think- maybe a second child would be right for our family.

*I am not asking for advice on deciding!*
I am more just curious about peoples' experiences on either having only one child, or how it was different when the second child came.

Ultimately we will figure it out naturally and I am not worried about it. It is more that this is just somehting on my mind right now- so I am curious if anyone has any experiences or thoughts to share on having one vs two children.
Thanks!


----------



## Tway (Jul 1, 2010)

DD is going on 1, and although DH wants more kids (he's Irish, after all!), I'm thinking I'd prefer just the one. I had a hard time adjusting to motherhood, and some days I feel like I'm still reeling from having my "old" life put on hold. Plus DD is still up multiple times a night, so I'm kinda dragging tiredness with me all the time. I have no desire right now to have to live through all that again.

Also, I want to stay home to raise DD--but I love my job and want to go back to it full time one day. Having other children will mean putting that off indefinitely. Plus were living on a huge salary cut right now, making extras like travel--which we love--really difficult. I'd love to take DD around the world, and more kids will make that really, really hard.

It all sounds so selfish put down in words, but that's what's going through my brain right now. We love DD so very much, and I feel like we're adjusting to the wonderful change and finally doing well, and I don't want to mess that up. I do feel guilty about depriving DD if a sibling, though... I"m hoping my choice won't leave her lonely one day...


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I can say that as an adult, being an only child has been hard on dh. When his dad died, he had to handle all of the arrangements on his own. Also, his mom has a lot of issues and again, he's kinda left being the one who has to deal with it.


----------



## April Dawn (Oct 31, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
I can say that as an adult, being an only child has been hard on dh. When his dad died, he had to handle all of the arrangements on his own. Also, his mom has a lot of issues and again, he's kinda left being the one who has to deal with it.

Having a second child is no guarantee that things will be any easier in that respect. In fact, they may be harder. I know someone whose sibling is still dependent on the parents for various reasons. When her parents are gone, she will likely have to handle all arrangements, PLUS figure out how to take care of her sibling. So that's not really a good reason to have another child, IMO. Not saying that a second child is a bad idea - just that having a second doesn't guarantee anything.


----------



## baby-makes-3 (May 13, 2006)

I love having a singleton. I will say that I had 3 losses trying to have another, and probably would have eventually succeeded if I had continued to try, but we made a conscious decision to stop trying and enjoy the positives of having one.

Along the road, I "interviewed" several adult single children and overwhelmingly was informed that they really enjoyed growing up that way. I think for some reason, females do better than males, in my experience. And none of these friends would be described as self-centered and egotistical, in fact just the opposite - they're all very caring, loving friends to have. And as one pointed out, even with siblings, usually it's one that gets "assigned" to care for the parents, and very often, there is discord as to how to handle things, money, etc.

There are a lot of pros to having a second child, (I wanted one!) but the fact is there is no perfect formula for a perfect family. For some, a sibling ends up a lifelong best friend, but for some, it's a source of constant competition/comparison, and for some, they just end up distant family members. And honestly, even though most don't talk about it openly, I have several friends who have quietly said they wouldn't have minded being an only! They're almost always first children who have a memory of what it was like before the siblings came along.

Everyone knows the benefits to multiple children (sooner or later, you'll hear the intrusive "when are you gonna give him a little sister?!") and I'm not knocking big families







, but it's so important to not be swayed by society's expectations and there are a lot of prejudices in our society about having singletons. A few months ago, Time magazine had a cover issue "The Only Child Myth" - it's worth a read if you're really considering it.


----------



## mnj77 (Dec 31, 2006)

DH and I are completely in the one kid camp. We're both onlies, and pretty much knew from the start that we would have an only too. There are just so many things we want to do for her - private school, activities, camp, vacations - that we couldn't afford (at least with a lifestyle that allows us to spend some time together at home!) for two. Also, I am able to be patient and easygoing and give more yeses to one in a way that I know I couldn't pull off with two (not that no one could do it, but I don't think I have it in me!). Anyway, there are certainly trade offs, but obviously you have to do what's right for you and your family.


----------



## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

My kids are 5 years apart because I was undecided for a long time. Now they are 8 and 13, and it's perfect for us.


----------



## baby-makes-3 (May 13, 2006)

Quote:

I am able to be patient and easygoing and give more yeses to one in a way that I know I couldn't pull off with two (not that no one could do it, but I don't think I have it in me!).
Ditto


----------



## Snapdragon (Aug 30, 2007)

Yes, my thoughts on it are similar to some of yours. Like *mnj77* mentioned- we also want to send our ds to private school, and we also want to travel with him, etc- and those things would be harder with a second. Also we like the idea of having two parents for one child- we feel that we can really meet his needs that way while still tending our relationship, and our own needs.

It is just such a big decision either way! Having another could totally change things in a way that might be more difficult for us, yet at the same time not having a second could lead to regret in the future.
I don't worry about ds being lonely- I know plenty of people- adults and kids- who don't even get along with or feel that close to their siblings so there is no guarantee that they would be best friends- although they could be, of course. but either way we will make sure ds has plenty of social interactions, school, friends, etc.

*Tway* what you said does not sound selfish to me at all! It is important to know one's limitations so that as a parent and a spouse we can keep a healthy balance in life.

I think there is this biological physical thing that happens that makes me feel sometimes like I want to conceive another child- when I am ovulating or whatever! But I wonder if that just goes on and on no matter how many children one has! Before we had ds we thought we wanted two- but we are really happy with ds- and things feel like a good balance right now. But then on the other hand . . . etcetera.









If anyone else has more thoughts on their own experiences with this, please do share.


----------



## moon_momma (Sep 4, 2008)

I am completely in this camp too. I absolutely love having my only son, but wonder about how it would be with two. I'm not sure that I would make it out alive! I patiently convinced my DH over the course of 5 years that having a child would be a wonderful thing...and it really has, for the both of us. But, it has also been very stressful at times and I don't know that I really have the energy to lobby for a second one at this stage. We can give so much to our son because there's no competition in the house. Having said that, I grew up very close to my brother and can't imagine life without him. But we're just starting to get into a groove, and it really works well. I can totally imagine life with just one, but there's that clock that's ticking in the background to make a decision about having another one, and I just want to be happy with the choice that I make! No regrets...that's my goal.


----------



## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

We lost our first child and then had our son. For a long time I felt like one was enough...I felt like the 'missing spot' at our table was our lost daughter's. And I found one enough of a challenge!

But when my son hit around thee, three and a half both my DH and I found ourselves thinking about it again. Our family just didn't feel quite complete - which is a totally emotional thing.

My son's 5 now and I'm pregnant. I find myself thinking the age gap is working in our favour - my son's making leaps into independence and wanting to do more with peers and that will give me some time with the baby. They probably won't play together a whole lot all the time (my sister and I have a similar gap and didn't) but as they get older the age gap will matter less. The bummer is we have to childproof again etc.

But for me, I needed that recovery time from the intense first 2-3 years. I really did. I love my son but I don't love the pre-verbal stages that much at all. Going through them with no break might've made me very burned out.

The one thing I'm not loving so much is that we'll be in "small child" land for almost 10 years total...eeek. And I'm 39 and will be 40 when the baby's born, so that presents a few challenges, particularly financial at the end there. I know we'll be older parents when our kids are starting off their lives so we'll have to plan for our care so we're not saddling them right when they need to be concentrating on themselves.

I've also probably wrecked my career a bit to go on mat leave right now but - oh well. I do love my job but it does not love me back the way family does.









It's been a tough pregnancy so far and I've had to stare down whether I would try again, and I think I would not. (We had set a limit to TTC until I was 40 and then stop, and with recovery time we'd be hitting that window.) Hopefully, since we're at 20 weeks, we'll make it to where it's not an issue.

But I don't think being an only child is a lifetime handicap...and having watched my dad (only) care for his parents and my mom (1 of 3) care for hers, I have to say neither situation was great - in one case there was more work and in the other more arguing and bad feelings. Eldercare is just tough all around. That said, I love having a sister to call up. It's just - different, either way.


----------



## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

I think the hardest thing about having just one child is that you need to have a thick skin. Society is keen to blame pretty much any character flaw, or any less than ideal behaviour, on a child's lack of siblings.

As I see our parents age though, I do take comfort in knowing that DH and I have siblings to help with their care when the time comes. Right now, our parents are still caring for their own parents, but I definitely see them appreciating the fact that they have siblings to share the stress and responsibility with.

When we had just one child I was totally content. We could have been an extremely happy family with just one. We would just be a very different family than what we are now.


----------



## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

(I have postpartum depression and a one month old--keep that in mind.)

I now feel kind of bad that I had a second child. I had a terrible pregnancy and have had a difficult recovery from a bad postpartum hemorrhage and overall recovery has sucked. I also had a miscarriage directly before this pregnancy so I feel like I have 'missed' a year of my older daughter's life because I wanted another child and I can never get that back.







At this point I'm just grateful that my older child is so loving towards her baby sister. If she was resentful I don't know how I would deal with my guilt.


----------



## thehighernest (Aug 11, 2009)

DH and I have an 18 month toddler and expect him to be an only.

For us, and perhaps for many people, I think the decision comes down to two things: what was your own experience as a child and how well you know yourself/accept your limitations.

DH had an awful relationship as a child with his brother, 4 years older. Apparently, he was quite cruel to him, even going as far as locking him in a trunk one day, hardly as an act of playfulness. I think the fact that their father had abandoned them had a lot to do with their dynamic, but the fact remained that their relationship was traumatic for him. For a long time, he was not even sure he wanted ANY children, let alone two.

For me, I was the youngest of four children, with a mom who was very unhappy in her marriage and probably (most definitely) depressed. I can count on one hand -- and I may not even be able to make all five fingers -- the memories I have of spending any quality time with either of my parents. My father saw his responsibilities as working and supporting a family, not necessarily spending time with them. Then my mother left him and had two more children with another man, in a very unhealthy relationship, and left most of their rearing to me and my older brother. So it's no surprise that though I knew I wanted children, I had no intention ever of having a large family.

Of course, this is not to say that this is how it always is in large families, but that my OWN experience colored what my choices would be.

But that's also connected to how well you know yourself, what your injuries are. My older sister has four children, and though I can't speak for them, I can only guess that their lives are much happier than mine was in a similar family structure. But my sister is a much different woman than my mother - and me. She's very high energy, superwoman even. She has this large family and for some time, homeschooled, did missionary work, returned to school herself and became a pharmacist, works full time, travels across the country to help her oldest daughter with her own two children, makes time for all of them to go on vacation together, etc.

I'm so low energy. After long days of teaching many classes, sometimes I think it's a miracle that I can make it through the rest of the day and sit down with my son to work on puzzles, read him books, make dinner, bathe him, put him to bed, then still work to prepare lunches for the next day, do laundry, etc. DH is the same way. We feel completely spent by the time night comes. That's just how we are. We can't even fathom how we would survive a second child, not necessarily that we wouldn't want one. But again, other people can do so much more, so it's a personality thing.

Finally, I suppose a third concern is money, though I know some people look down upon this as a reason for family size. Still, it can be a real constraint. Neither DH nor I could afford to stop working what with all our debt and responsibilities. If we had a second child, s/he'd have to go to day care, which would cost us roughly $1000 a month. Do we have another $1000 left over at the end of the month for this expense? No. So it's not even a possibility either way.


----------



## puffingirl (Nov 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mnj77* 
DH and I are completely in the one kid camp. We're both onlies, and pretty much knew from the start that we would have an only too. There are just so many things we want to do for her - private school, activities, camp, vacations - that we couldn't afford (at least with a lifestyle that allows us to spend some time together at home!) for two. Also, I am able to be patient and easygoing and give more yeses to one in a way that I know I couldn't pull off with two (not that no one could do it, but I don't think I have it in me!). Anyway, there are certainly trade offs, but obviously you have to do what's right for you and your family.









My DH is the oldest of 3 and wants a second child, but the above comments match my thoughts and feelings exactly. Our DD will likely remain an only.


----------



## mommariffic (Mar 18, 2009)

We recently added our second









And it's been awesome. My DD is three and the spacing (for us) is perfect; she's pretty independent and she adores her brother with every ounce of her being. I love seeing him light up at her/vice versa, and I'm hoping that they will grow up to love each other.

My reason for a sibling was that I have a little brother who I CHERISH. I wanted DD to have at least one sibling because her personality is so warm, and loving and she talked about wanting a brother or sister. It just worked for us, and we can afford it (which for us was a big factor) I want to be able to be comfortable and two kids is our max (although sometimes I want a hundred)


----------



## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

We have two and I think it's one of the greatest things ever for our family, especially for our older dd. Sometimes I wish they were a little teeny bit closer in age. They're 2 yrs 9 mo apart, so 3 years apart in school. They get along great and play so well together and truly enjoy each other so much. Dd1 is a little bit of a young 9.5 and dd2 is a little bit of a more mature almost 7, so personality wise they're closer than the age gap.

I am so often so grateful that we had a second child, especially for dd1's sake. Dd1 is a unique, quirky kid, with some tendencies toward anxiety and she's a bit of an introvert. She likes to watch and wait a lot and although she's very gregarious with some adults she's not as gregarious with kids her own age. Having dd2 she always has a built-in friend. They really love each other and get along so well and truly enjoy each other's company.

There's a larger age gap between my sibs and myself (6.5 btwn me and my sister, 9 btwn me and my brother). We were not very close when I was growing up and by the time I was 11 or 12 they were out of the house and I was, by and large, an only. I didn't mind being an only as a pre-teen/teen at all, but I didn't get along very well with my sister in particular and my brother was so much older than I was.

I hope our girls continue to be close throughout their lives.

I also think at this stage it has made parenting so much easier to have two. When my second was a baby it was difficult at times, but I just put her in the sling or Ergo and away we went. Now the kids just entertain themselves. We're still very close as a family, but they don't require so much of my attention. The younger one can ask the older one to help her with a zipper on the back of her dress, or they can giggle over silly potty humor jokes together, or they can read a book or magazine together. I know from their personalities that if they didn't have each other they would be coming to me constantly for interaction. DH and I both need a lot of downtime (introvert tendencies also) and we can recharge while the kids are still getting the interaction they need. Anyway, I wouldn't trade having two for the world. I think it's been great for dd1 and for DH and I and dd2 is just wonderful in her own right!


----------



## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Dd1 was an only for 4 years before dd2 came along. Even with dd2 being special needs, I definitely preferred having two. Personally, I found having one really stressful. A lot of pressure to always be playmate, always be on the go doing stuff, entertaining her, etc. I felt guilty if i ever took any time for myself. It's funny being pregnant with #4 and people freak out and say "oh I could never handle that!" but honestly, I really did find having just one much more stressful!

I think the comments on societal pressure to have more than one are very interesting! I never felt any pressure to have more than one when dd1 was an only. But with #4 due soon, I find the pressure to "get fixed" and the rude and intrusive comments and questions from people (even strangers!) really annoying! It seems like 2 must be the "magic number" to avoid rude comments, I guess!


----------



## Stella_luna (Jan 26, 2006)

We have one child and it is wonderful. We get along so well, and our home is peaceful and happy







. DD loves being an only child and all her friends love coming over here. She loves having friends over, but also loves when they go home and we can enjoy our family time. The 3 of us are very close. I love that I can enjoy her with undivided attention. DH and I call having an only child "The best-kept secret." I grew up with 3 siblings, DH has 1 sibling, but our current family of 3 is happier, healthier, and more stable than either of our homes were, and DD has a much happier, better childhood than either of us did







. It works for our family.


----------



## Essie (Oct 9, 2004)

Well, I always wanted 2 but our son after about 1.5 began to change and became really hard and stressful. The reason was b/c he was dx'ed w/autism. After that, things just got worse and it put sooooo much stress on us. DH had kept on for so long and wanted another. I felt emotionally and financially it was just not right. I feel like I handle 1 fine. With another I think I would have been taken to the mental ward. I cannot even tell you. But, that is my story. If he weren't the way he was during that stretch of 2 or 3 yrs I would have had another. Plus, I was already 36 when he was born so that was another factor against it.

I still feel really sad that we don't have another, but I wanted to be fair to our son and give him what he needed which was sane parents.


----------



## Purplegal (Jul 30, 2008)

My DD is 4 and she will remain an only. We were able to have her through gestational surrogacy and I am just not up to going through all that again, even though sometimes I do long for another one.
However, I do love having an only for many of the reasons listed...we have lots of fun together, I am able to give her so much of my attention and time, its easy to do various outings/activities. It is hard being the only playmate for her, but as she got older (3 and up) she has developed such an imagination and can play by herself, talking up a storm, for hours sometimes!









I will say it has been difficult lately because my DD has been asking endlessly for a brother or sister...and that is so hard for me to deal with.


----------



## bright_eyes (Dec 7, 2007)

We also have two children and really, really enjoy it! One thing that I love so much about having a second was being able to go through the baby stage all over again with a deep confidence in myself that I never had with ds1. I did attachment parenting with him but always worried and read parenting books like crazy and stressed out over doing the right things. With ds2, it has been so wonderful to just relax and enjoy having a baby and do whatever feels natural, instinctive, and right. That is one thing that really stands out to me as a reason why I am so thankful to have had a second baby.


----------



## Ellp (Nov 18, 2004)

We have 2 and they're 28months apart. I love having two and wouldn't mind having more if only I could get Dh on board with the idea.

The reason I love having more than one child is that like PP have mentioned, there will always be a playmate around and when they get older, and they (hopefully) will have each other as support. I know something that is always said when one's parents pass away is the feeling of being an "orphan", even you're a fully grown adult with kids of your own. I'm hoping that when Dh and I pass away my girls will remain close and look after each other.


----------



## Essie (Oct 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tway* 
DD is going on 1, and although DH wants more kids (he's Irish, after all!), I'm thinking I'd prefer just the one. I had a hard time adjusting to motherhood, and some days I feel like I'm still reeling from having my "old" life put on hold. Plus DD is still up multiple times a night, so I'm kinda dragging tiredness with me all the time. I have no desire right now to have to live through all that again.

Also, I want to stay home to raise DD--but I love my job and want to go back to it full time one day. Having other children will mean putting that off indefinitely. Plus were living on a huge salary cut right now, making extras like travel--which we love--really difficult. I'd love to take DD around the world, and more kids will make that really, really hard.

It all sounds so selfish put down in words, but that's what's going through my brain right now. We love DD so very much, and I feel like we're adjusting to the wonderful change and finally doing well, and I don't want to mess that up. I do feel guilty about depriving DD if a sibling, though... I"m hoping my choice won't leave her lonely one day...

I can relate to so much of this! these are many of my reasons for just having one. I've even thought about adoption or foster kids, but I think I am gun shy after dealing with so many things related to ds's autism. I just don't know if I could handle another kid with emotional or other high needs. It's really hard!


----------



## seasiren (Mar 3, 2009)

We are still trying to figure this question out. I feel like having another would be more for my son than for some kind of idea of how big our family should be, and I think after he's potty trained and in preschool we could handle it financially and emotionally. And yet my DH was 51 when DS was born so... it poses lots of unknowns for me. I love my sisters so much even though they are much younger than me, and my husband was an only and loved it, so we just are going with out feelings and taking it as it comes.


----------



## Maluhia (Jun 24, 2007)

Love having an "only"

Our family adventures are great, DD enjoys other children but also plays alone so well....may just be her personality though.

For us - happy family life, avoiding overpopulation of first-world people (us) and the joy of allowing our family to concentrate on each of her wondrous stages while giving her the autonomy to be herself first, just radtastic I tell you.


----------



## Essie (Oct 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maluhia* 
Love having an "only"

Our family adventures are great, DD enjoys other children but also plays alone so well....may just be her personality though.

For us - happy family life, avoiding overpopulation of first-world people (us) and the joy of allowing our family to concentrate on each of her wondrous stages while giving her the autonomy to be herself first, just radtastic I tell you.

Yeah, my thoughts too. It was really hard on me though when my dh kept bringing it up (he wanted another) and he was an only and I'm not.


----------



## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

Well, I have three. I love the way they interact together, they love each other very much. My two older girls also spend a lot of time playing together, and they take care of each other.

I also have a baby at the moment, and there are some occasional "moments" with the baby and the toddler, especially since they are both nursing. But my toddler also seems to really love the baby, and I think she has gained a lot by sharing.

We don't have the money to lavish on them obviously, which in some ways I consider a bonus.

I've known some onlies who enjoyed it, and some who didn't. Of the ones who didn't it was usually because they felt lonely as a child, particularly at holidays and so forth, because they felt the weight of their parents expectations and attention, and/or as adults they felt alone, especially if there was not much extended family.


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i am a people person. my dd is a people person. we are both natural nurturers. mothering comes v. naturally to me. nurturing i noticed in my dd around 18 months. however i would not have had a second child till dd was at least 4. even during the 'worst' times i had more compassion than frustration. i am a square peg in a round hole which adds to how i parent as a positive aspect.

i only have one.

only because my marriage broke down and i have yet to meet anyone i want to settle with.

and i feel cheated.

i put in so much time and effort learning the tricks of the trade

and i dont get to practise on another one?

having an only IS NOT easy. in one sense. YOU become the parent and the sibling, the playmate. forget having your own time. would have been nice to have another sibling to liven up the house. i aint giving up till my body says no more.

it is pretty serious for us. which is why we choose to live with roommates instead of alone. its pretty lonely to have just a mom and dd.

i will not but i have always and still do - want 6 children.


----------



## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

I'm an only child, and I hate it. I have always hated it. It was very isolating as a child, and to this day is very isolating. I do wonder if it doesn't have something to do with why I have such a hard time forming lasting friendships. It's also really hard that I don't have anyone, aside from my parents, that has known my whole history. I really wish I had what my husband has with his brothers, even though they're considerably younger than he is, and they often don't get along.

We have two kids. We were hoping to have more, but two was our absolutely bare minimum. I never wanted to have an only child. I can see some of the 'perks' for the parent, really, I can. But I wouldn't want to do that to my child.


----------



## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChetMC* 
I think the hardest thing about having just one child is that you need to have a thick skin. Society is keen to blame pretty much any character flaw, or any less than ideal behaviour, on a child's lack of siblings.
.

I think this is changing a lot. In dd's pre-K class of 16 kids, 5 are onlies (and we live in a suburb, not a big city these days). I've also been reading articles on the increasing prevalence of only kids. As more and more people have onlies, I think the "stigma" is going to go way.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
having an only IS NOT easy. in one sense. YOU become the parent and the sibling, the playmate. forget having your own time.
.

I don't think this is necessarily the case. It is certainly not the case with us. I definitely do not consider myself dd's "sibling" or "playmate." Of course, we do family things on the weekend, and we play with her sometimes as any parents would, but she is also perfectly capable of entertaining herself for long stretches (and she's only four!) and she gets plenty of time with friends, neighborhood kids, and cousins.

As you can probably tell, we love having an only. We have so much freedom, so much flexibility. We get to sleep at night! We know, absolutely, that we would be far worse parents if we had more than one (I'm not saying that parents with more than one are "worse" parents--just that we know our own personal limits when it comes to time, patience, stress, etc.). Dh and I both have relatively demanding careers, and we feel strongly that we would be short-changing our kid(s) if we spread ourselves any thinner. We are not wealthy, but having just one means that we have the resources to do things that we would not be able to with a larger family--family trips and the like. We have a pretty low tolerance for noise and chaos. We have a fabulous kid, and a great family dynamic, and I wouldn't want to mess with it.

I have three adult friends who are onlies and all are happy, successful people. They talk in glowing terms about their childhoods and especially the close relationship they have with their parents. Of course there are some onlies who didn't like it--but there are also plenty of kids with siblings who have/had difficult or destructive relationships with them. You simply cannot guarantee that your child will be happy with the choices you make--I think you just have to do what's best for you/your partner/your family and do your best to meet the needs of however many kids you decide to have.


----------



## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness* 
I'm an only child, and I hate it. I have always hated it. It was very isolating as a child, and to this day is very isolating. I do wonder if it doesn't have something to do with why I have such a hard time forming lasting friendships.

I have five siblings, and I still have trouble with friendships, so siblings aren't a guarantee of anything.


----------



## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bright_eyes* 
We also have two children and really, really enjoy it! One thing that I love so much about having a second was being able to go through the baby stage all over again with a deep confidence in myself that I never had with ds1. I did attachment parenting with him but always worried and read parenting books like crazy and stressed out over doing the right things. With ds2, it has been so wonderful to just relax and enjoy having a baby and do whatever feels natural, instinctive, and right.

Yeah, I was much more confident the second time around, as well. (And I got my natural labor! Yea me!)


----------



## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

I agree with one of the pp who said it ultimately comes down to your own experiences. I also agree with another poster who said there are benefits and downfalls to each decision.

If you ask me - I am by far in the "at least two" camp.









I am the youngest of four, and I cannot imagine my life without my siblings. I grew up in the Ukraine, and we didn't have too many expensive vacations, we didn't go to private schools. Heck, most of my clothes were hand-me-downs up until I was about 12, and my dad's business started taking off. Now, that we are all grown up, we are each other's best friends (outside of our spouses). We KNOW that if life got tough, there are still 3 homes that will gladly open their doors without second thought.

My point is... no vacation I could have taken would substitute my siblings that I have by my side for a lifetime.

P.S. My sister's husband is an only, and he told her he never thought he missed having siblings until he got to know the four of us.


----------



## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 
I agree with one of the pp who said it ultimately comes down to your own experiences. I also agree with another poster who said there are benefits and downfalls to each decision.

If you ask me - I am by far in the "at least two" camp.









I am the youngest of four, and I cannot imagine my life without my siblings. I grew up in the Ukraine, and we didn't have too many expensive vacations, we didn't go to private schools. Heck, most of my clothes were hand-me-downs up until I was about 12, and my dad's business started taking off. Now, that we are all grown up, we are each other's best friends (outside of our spouses). We KNOW that if life got tough, there are still 3 homes that will gladly open their doors without second thought.

My point is... no vacation I could have taken would substitute my siblings that I have by my side for a lifetime.

P.S. My sister's husband is an only, and he told her he never thought he missed having siblings until he got to know the four of us.









I agree that siblings can be wonderful, but I think it's important to go into parenting understanding the having 2+ is not a guarantee your kids will have those fantastic relationships. I have 4 siblings, and I don't rely on any of them for emotional support and I doubt that any of them would "gladly open their doors" if I needed help (one might, but she lives in a different country). Two of my siblings are estranged from my family, one of these caused HUGE family stress when I was growing up because of her acting out in very, very serious ways. Particularly in the case of the two that are now estranged, I definitely don't feel like they "enriched my life"--they caused a great deal of stress and pain and I think the havoc that they wrecked (as kids and even more as adults) negatively impacted my parents' relationships with their other kids. Both my parents have one sibling, and when their parents died, in both cases only one sibling handled the parents' affairs and the deaths put tons of strain on the already imperfect sibling relationships.

Again, I'm not knocking siblings--I know many people who have great sibling relationships. But being an only doesn't doom you to a life of loneliness, social awkwardness, or troubled relationships. Again, I think the point is figuring out what's best for YOUR family and then doing what you can to compensate for the potential drawbacks of each situation (e.g., making sure that onlies get lots of socialization, making sure that siblings get lots of individual attention, etc.).


----------



## K1329 (Apr 6, 2009)

I agree - there's no "right" decision on family size and each way has it's pros and cons.

That said, we have two and I love to watch them play together, fight together, and interact. I feel having a sibling has been invaluable for both of my children - taught them many life lessons they might not have learned elsewhere. That, and I absolutely adore my own sibling!

From the parenting side - yes, there have been rough patches in adding another child to our family. The first year was difficult, to say the least. But, now that they're older, I think having more than one can actually ease the parenting req'd - my kids entertain each other for hours and don't even look up to find me.

IME, more than one has been a blessing.


----------



## jenfl (Oct 20, 2007)

My DH and I were really unsure about a second from even before #1. So we had our fabulous daughter and just ... waited. Watched her grow. And at some point, a second started to _feel right_. And it's been going great so far.









You can think and analyze and plan all you want, but at some point, you really have to just feel it. And that's such a personal thing.


----------



## Miss Chris (May 7, 2007)

Our second is only 7 months old, so we have many more years to see how it all goes but one thing about having a second really surprised me: it helped me relax. I have been at home since my daughter was born and sometimes it seemed like too much togetherness, you know? Too much intensity between us and too much aimed at her by the greater family where she was the only grandchild.

When our little guy arrived I was forced to back off my relationship with my daughter to meet the demands of this new person and it has been great for all of us. I was worried before he was born about the loss of closeness between my daughter and myself but it has actually been wonderful. She is gaining independence in leaps and bounds. She's taking on much more responsibility for herself and is taking a lot of pride in that. Part of it is obviously her age, she turned 4 just after he was born, but I think the arrival of the baby really gave her a push forward and kept me from 'helping' her too much.

I'm more confident and easy while taking care of my son even though he is a slightly more challenging kid (still easy, but my daughter was ridiculously calm and attentive). I'm less anxious this time and that improved confidence is spreading outward into my relationship with my daughter and even with my husband.

Also, I find taking care of little kids exhausting because it's frequently boring but you can't really do anything else while you're doing it. With 2 I'm actually less worn out because I have more actual work to do. I guess it doesn't make sense but for me having too little to do is more difficult than having just enough, or even too much. I'm a person who likes to be busy, now I'm busy and it makes me more present and focused.

It seems crazy to me but I'm clearly better at mothering 2 than I was at mothering just 1. Plus, they love each other. She dotes on him and he can't take his eyes off of her. I have a sister myself so I know it won't always be so rosy, but in spite of some tribulations my sister is one of my best friends and it is indescribably sweet to see my children interacting with such joy and affection.

Editing to add: I just saw your signature Jenfl and realized we have the same icons for our kids, funny right? Anyway, tangent over

Miss Chris


----------



## MamatoA (Oct 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rightkindofme* 
I feel like I have 'missed' a year of my older daughter's life because I wanted another child and I can never get that back.









First, hugs to you. Immediately postpartum--esp.with a rough pregnancy and now PPD--may not be the best time to assess your decision. And cheers to you for recognizing that your quest for a 2nd was, at times, at the expense of your first. I don't think you are the only one who has done this. That's not a fun realization to have but we live and learn and move on. Your daughters now both have you and your attention. That matters.


----------



## jennchsm (Jun 24, 2008)

This was something we struggled with for a long time. It took 6 years and lots of medical procedures to conceive our son. I struggled with depression during those years, and it hurt my marriage and my career. Once I was finally pregnant, I thought the hard part was behind me, but I developed severe pre-eclampsia and he was delivered at 29 weeks. My illness was discovered accidentally, and but for chance he and I could both have died. Instead we both survived, and after an 8-week NICU stay, DH and I finally brought our baby home. Today he's completely healthy and almost 3 years old.

I'd always planned to have two children, but I really can't face going through any of that again. I just turned 39, so time is running out to make the decision, but I am just *done* with the whole TTC thing, and I can't shake the feeling that things might not turn out so well next time. I can't face the possibility of failed IVF cycles, miscarriages, another high-risk pregnancy, a hospitalization, another NICU stay.

So my son will probably be an only, and I am embracing that. DH and I are focused on giving him the best life we can. I've done a lot of reading about onlies, and I've talked to several adult onlies, and the vast majority of them have said they had amazing childhoods and felt very lucky to have their parents all to themselves.

It makes me sad when people bash having an only, because they're saying MY son is going to turn out spoiled and unhappy. It's not fair to judge me or my son that way, but hey -- that's what people in parenting communities do. They judge people who made different decisions than they did, apparently because anyone who makes a different choice HAS to be wrong.

Do what is best for you and your family. Then live your life, and enjoy it, and it will be fine!


----------



## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

I loved having just one child. However, our son started asking for a sibling at age 4, and more strongly at age 5. All of his friends have siblings, and I could tell that he felt alone & lonely. Then a death happened in our family, and I realized that I would like for our son to have a sibling so that he is not alone later in life.


----------



## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
We lost our first child and then had our son. For a long time I felt like one was enough...I felt like the 'missing spot' at our table was our lost daughter's. And I found one enough of a challenge!

But when my son hit around thee, three and a half both my DH and I found ourselves thinking about it again. Our family just didn't feel quite complete - which is a totally emotional thing.

My son's 5 now and I'm pregnant. I find myself thinking the age gap is working in our favour - my son's making leaps into independence and wanting to do more with peers and that will give me some time with the baby. They probably won't play together a whole lot all the time (my sister and I have a similar gap and didn't) but as they get older the age gap will matter less. The bummer is we have to childproof again etc.

But for me, I needed that recovery time from the intense first 2-3 years. I really did. I love my son but I don't love the pre-verbal stages that much at all. Going through them with no break might've made me very burned out.

The one thing I'm not loving so much is that we'll be in "small child" land for almost 10 years total...eeek. And I'm 39 and will be 40 when the baby's born, so that presents a few challenges, particularly financial at the end there. I know we'll be older parents when our kids are starting off their lives so we'll have to plan for our care so we're not saddling them right when they need to be concentrating on themselves.

I've also probably wrecked my career a bit to go on mat leave right now but - oh well. I do love my job but it does not love me back the way family does.









It's been a tough pregnancy so far and I've had to stare down whether I would try again, and I think I would not. (We had set a limit to TTC until I was 40 and then stop, and with recovery time we'd be hitting that window.) Hopefully, since we're at 20 weeks, we'll make it to where it's not an issue.

But I don't think being an only child is a lifetime handicap...and having watched my dad (only) care for his parents and my mom (1 of 3) care for hers, I have to say neither situation was great - in one case there was more work and in the other more arguing and bad feelings. Eldercare is just tough all around. That said, I love having a sister to call up. It's just - different, either way.

We're in the same place right now. I have a 5yo son, got pregnant again at 39 (and am now 40), needed the "recovery time" after my first (and thus didn't really consider another baby until the last year), and have career concerns. Great to hear that I'm not the only one!


----------



## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

This has occupied my brain for the last 3 years.

I have a 4 year difference between my two children. The little one is 8 months old, and we are done.

I have days where I mourn our family of three.

I was secure in the knowledge that one was right for our family until my mother died. I was so very alone with it. It was a complicated childhood and not entirely healthy. I loved her dearly and she was my emotional anchor, everything to me. I lost all emotional grounding when she died (I didn't say it was healthy). And I spent the next 2 years dealing with the mess left behind with probate, tons of craziness, scary people, lawyers, sadness, exhaustion, and I had no one with a shared experience to go through this with, and no one to share memories with.

That experience made me agree we should have another one. I didn't want my son to be alone family-wise in our death, whether or not his world had been happy and healthy with us. DH always wanted a second child.

We lost our second (another son) when I was 23 weeks pregnant; he died in my arms. It was devestating. I think I was falling apart with the loss of my mother and then my son. We decided to try again. It was a challenging path.

I am an introvert. I need sleep. And I have to recharge, I have to have downtime. I find parenting one challenging. My husband is also just like me. And, I felt I knew what I was getting into, but I also knew in my mind that it would get easier, and that the first year would be the hardest for me.

Now that she's here, it's been very interesting. I truly mourn the fact that we cannot afford to travel like we could have with one, to have the kind of schooling we would like, etc. I also mourn SLEEP. I miss all the one on one time with my son, too. I miss how easy it is to get up and out of the house with one. It is so incredibly hard having two when at least does not sleep well at night; DH and I both WOH and we are always very tired. And snippy (of course, I remember this from the first year with DS, too).

DD has had a pretty difficult road. Severe reflux, couldn't sleep any way but completely upright for 2 months (day and night). Really awful. And allergies to soy, dairy, gluten. Even down to eating about only three things myself she did better on nutramigen formula, so well, that after I weaned her, I couldn't bring myself to give her the stored breastmilk due to the way she reacted. Anyway, she's pretty well controlled now on prevacid. And at 8 months, I know the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer. This is rambly, but in any case, it was pretty hard the first 6 months. I barely saw my son for the first 3 months of my daughter's life.

And now. I don't regret having my daughter. I did. I thought I made a foolish decision. Now that things are improving, and we are getting closer to the end of the first year (really I find this part awful), I really am happy that we are a family of four.

My son adores her. I had no idea it could be like this. He kisses her all the time, when she cries, he is the first to run to her to see what is the matter. He always talks about what they are going to do together when she is older. And she really digs him. She is all smiles at him. She saves her big laughs for the silly things he does. I think it's pretty amazing. Even if it all changes for whatever developmental reason, I'm really happy this has been the experience now.

I adore her. I am fascinated by her. How different she is from my son, and also how like him she is. How much like her father she is, we can tell already. Things she loves. Things she doesn't love. The way she interacts with me. My heart melts for her. I think about the future, about what it will be like for them together as they grow, for us, for all of us. I hope that they have a good adult relationship, whatever it ends up looking like.

Surprisingly, challenging as it has been so far, I feel like I am a lot less stressed than I was with DS. I think it simply has to do with the fact that I *know* this (whatever is going on) will pass. It used to drive me batty when people would say "this too shall pass" with my son, I was going crazy and it felt like it was neverending (and sometimes, um, 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 months - or more - *is* neverending), and "this too shall pass" made me cringe. But, now, I know, from experience that, without a doubt, one day, whatever it is will pass.

We are all adjusting, sometimes well, sometimes not.







This is our family now and I'm very glad that we have two loves. Though I will be happier once I'm getting enough sleep again.


----------



## Neuromancer (Jan 15, 2008)

I lean toward just wanting one, but it's based on my experience as a sibling, not as a mother. Neither my sister nor I really enjoyed having a sibling growing up. We made each other pretty miserable, and are barely friends now (I mean, I love her, but being "sisters" has added little to either of our lives). And I know my parents love us both, but I imagine we made life pretty hard for them sometimes, too, with all our fighting.


----------



## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Honestly, the only people I know who have just one child either had fertility or medical problems, they were single parents, or they just did not enjoy having the first one and were never "kid" people. I am completely not saying this as a judgement, just a statement of what I have observed.

My cousin is an only child (one of many I know, I just wanted to share what is going on with him). His wife is also and only child. I know my uncle wanted more children but his wife said no way. Since then, they did get divorced, but it was when my cousin was 10 or 12 so plenty of time to have had more children. My aunt (ok, so I don't really consider her an ex-aunt as that is their divorce, not mine) remarried but never wanted to have children with that man. They were simply in to adult things and not kid oriented.

Now, my cousin and his wife do not want children. They like their life the way it is, child free. This is fine. But his parents and her parents are pressuring them to have a baby, just one, so they can be grandparents. Last I spoke to them, they were actually considering it, just to please the grandparents. I hope they do not have a baby just to make the potential grandparents happy. This is their life. If the potential grandparents wanted a guarantee of grandchildren, maybe they should have had more children or something, I don't know. But I think it is completely wrong to demand that someone else have children to make you happy. Not YOU, but I mean, them. Their choice to be childfree should be respected.

In every case where I know the story behind it of just one child, the parents either had some limitation like fertility or medical issues or marital status, etc or, they just flat out say they did not really want children, but the potential grandparents insisted. So now, when I see someone having just one child, I figure that while I do not know for sure, either something prevented them from having more, or they kind of did not really want to have children but felt obligated for some reason.

I completely respect other people's choices in how they make family and chose to have their family (as long as they are not destructive or interfere in mine, by destructive, I am referring to the people that have 4 children by 4 different people, or have abuse or drug problems, etc). I think everyone should do what their heart leads them to do, and their partner's heart too of course. Not what they feel obligated to do based on what others want them to do.

I don't know if I helped, I hope I have explained myself well. I think regardless of the number of children, they all are equal but different choices so I do not think it matters much as far as the children go. There is a different life from being an only child to having 10 siblings and everything else in between. You just pick which life you want and go for it. (I sure wish I had before I turned 40, I am 40 now and realize, I never made happen what I wanted to happen because I felt pressured by relatives who feel that everyone should have 1 child and a career and no one can be any different).


----------



## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

We have one DC...but we are currently ttc #2. DH was raised an only (he has 2 step brothers and step sister raised by his mom where he was raised with his paternal grandparents), and I have 1 brother.
We have been ttc over 6m now and I just had a stack of tests done...we have also accepted the idea that if it isn't to be it isn't to be. We love having just the three of us...we do everything together (I homeschool too). The three of us are very close. DS says to us all the time "you guys are my best buddies". I would love to bring another into the fold but wont be shattered if it doesn't happen.
If we are fortunate to have another there will be nearly a 5 year gap....so will be like starting all over again.


----------



## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

DH was an only and I was one of 3. He had a happy childhood (as did I), so naturally, he was happy with just 1 child whereas I always thought I wanted at least 2, if not 3.

We were very happy with just the two of us and DS. He was a difficult baby, but an easy toddler and we had one of those lives where it was still mostly "adult". DS kept late hours with us and was well-behaved to the point where we could easily take him to concerts or nice restaurants. Not to say that we didn't do a lot of child-centric things too, but there was a nice balance.

Ultimately, we decided to have a second child because *I felt that we would never regret having another child, but we might regret NOT having another.* I knew that having a sibling could only enrich DS's life and in fact, he had been asking for sibling as he saw our families in our circle of friends have subsequent children. DH and I were both on the fence and even when I was pregnant with #2 I was still unsure about our decision. I admit I even shed a few tears about having to split my attentions between DS--the light of my life!-- and another child.

8 months later...I'm so glad we had DD. I had loved DS so much I didn't see how I could love another child equally, but it truly works.







The best part is how the children love each other so much. DS is a wonderful big brother and it makes me so happy to see them playing and laughing together. It's a wonderful thing. I know that for all of us, DS especially, it was the right choice.


----------



## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChetMC* 
I think the hardest thing about having just one child is that you need to have a thick skin. Society is keen to blame pretty much any character flaw, or any less than ideal behaviour, on a child's lack of siblings.

It goes both ways. I get almost daily ignorance and mean-spirited comments about not giving my kids "enough" by having more than one. I was an only child for over 8 years and still my dad's only child. I hated it. I love having siblings. And I'm glad my kids will have many siblings, too. Not that it's best for everyone, but you have to have a thick skin no matter what your decision is-no kids, one kid, 18 kids, because no matter what you pick, you'll get grief from someone.


----------



## AnalogWife (Sep 8, 2007)

Being a family of 3 has been win-win for us, I do sometimes think about another pregnancy or giving DS a bro/sis, but I'm not convinced that DS _wants_ a sib and his father definitely doesn't want another, so my options are before me. I'm also thankful that I'm not missing out on DS-time with TTC or pregnancy worries.


----------



## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

I'm an only child and I never, ever regretted it. Not as a child, not now as an adult.

I watched my dad deal singlehandedly with his aging parents, because his siblings lived too far away to help. I watched two of my mom's brothers completely check out of any care for my grandmother as she died. One uncle told my mom he and his wife *expected* mom to bring grandma home, but that mom couldn't count on any help from them "because its just so hard seeing her like that." I've seen family members marry spouses that cut them off from their siblings. Yeah, it will be hard as my parents age, being the only one -- but it was really, really hard on both my parents, and they have seven siblings between them and still did most of the hard work for their parents.


----------



## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

I guess it's kind of morbid, but part of the reason I wanted 2 children is because if I had only 1, and that child died, I could not handle it. But if I still had another child, I would have a reason to stay strong.

Also, if you have more than 1, you have a better chance of being supported in your old age.


----------



## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Well, I had two siblings and we talk maybe once a year, if that, and oddly the task of taking care of my parents has fallen on one sibling (me) which I think is more common than most people like to admit. It happened with my DH's family and it has happened with many families that I have known. Multiple children are no guarantee that you'll be cared for in your old age, nor is there a guarantee that siblings will share in the responsibility. My siblings and I were close when we were kids but have drifted apart considerably. I would venture to say that we don't really like each other or approve of each other.

We have one and we're perfectly happy with that. It wasn't an issue of fertility or not liking kids or being pressured into producing an heir. It is what it is and much more complex for us than the common stereotypes. The one-child family is very popular where I live, and I think a lot of it has to do with people not deciding until much later in their lives to even have kids. We waited a long time, but have no regrets. DD is awesome and has changed our lives for the better. I love that we can focus on her and have the time and resources to grow together as a family.


----------



## WifeMomChiro (Jul 28, 2010)

We only have one child and I really thought I only wanted one for a while. I came to realize that I really just didn't want to birth another child.

Around age 3, my dd started saying that all she wanted for Christmas was to be a sister. She talked about it all the time. "When I grow up I'm going to be a sister." "I have room at my picnic table for a brother." "I share my toys really well and I will share even more when I'm a sister." She is 4 now and she still talks about it pretty frequently. When I would see a picture of young siblings together, it would make me tear up. I know that our family is not complete.

I prayed a lot about it and I had a few dreams (I believe God [or whatever you believe in] can speak to us through dreams) and I felt pulled toward adoption. We are now in the early phases of research and prayer.


----------



## jennchsm (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oriole* 

My point is... no vacation I could have taken would substitute my siblings that I have by my side for a lifetime.

I know I'm taking this remark out of context, but ever since I read it, it's been bugging me. No one is suggesting that a human life and a vacation are somehow equivalent here, but that's the implication in this statement.

I didn't really have much of a choice about how many children I'd get to have, but when I realized my son would be an only, I decided to focus on the positives, rather than on what he might be missing by not having siblings. There are pros to having only one child, and they've been enumerated here. They aren't being presented as arguments for having an only, they're just things people appreciate about the situation.

And yes, it's definitely easier to travel with one child -- anyone who's ever chaperoned an elementary school field trip knows that firsthand. We have done a lot of traveling with our son, and we've enjoyed it. When I was spending months crying over the loss of the two-child family I'd always envisioned, the thought that we'd get to do more traveling than we might have otherwise was something that consoled me.

It's annoying to see it reduced to something like the comment above, when that's so far from the way people make their very personal, often very difficult decisions about how many children to have.


----------



## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

Tellera, I love your post & relate to much of it. Thanks for sharing this!


----------



## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennchsm* 
I know I'm taking this remark out of context, but ever since I read it, it's been bugging me. No one is suggesting that a human life and a vacation are somehow equivalent here, but that's the implication in this statement.

I didn't really have much of a choice about how many children I'd get to have, but when I realized my son would be an only, I decided to focus on the positives, rather than on what he might be missing by not having siblings. There are pros to having only one child, and they've been enumerated here. They aren't being presented as arguments for having an only, they're just things people appreciate about the situation.

And yes, it's definitely easier to travel with one child -- anyone who's ever chaperoned an elementary school field trip knows that firsthand. We have done a lot of traveling with our son, and we've enjoyed it. When I was spending months crying over the loss of the two-child family I'd always envisioned, the thought that we'd get to do more traveling than we might have otherwise was something that consoled me.

It's annoying to see it reduced to something like the comment above, when that's so far from the way people make their very personal, often very difficult decisions about how many children to have.

I highly doubt her post was addressing people who want to have a second, but can't. She was specifically addressing those who choose to have only one based on a _lifestyle_ choice (ie. people like myself, before I became pregnant again... I was VERY happy being the mother of one child). I found her comment poignant & have also thought about it a few times over the past week. Personally, my primary barrier in choosing to have a second was the potential loss of time/freedom/resources.


----------



## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

Quote:

So now, when I see someone having just one child, I figure that while I do not know for sure, either something prevented them from having more, or they kind of did not really want to have children but felt obligated for some reason.
We felt no obligation to anyone other than to do what was right for us and our family. We could have another child but we do not wish to. We love our perfect sized family of three (well four if you count the dog and we do







) and only wish that other parents make the right choice for their family and respect that we made the right choice for ours.


----------



## Stella_luna (Jan 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
Honestly, the only people I know who have just one child either had fertility or medical problems, they were single parents, or they just did not enjoy having the first one and were never "kid" people.

I know plenty of people who have an only child by choice, and not for these reasons. You will find plenty of them here on MDC as well.


----------



## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

This is something I have been thinking about a lot too. I always though I would want two, but neither DH or I are completely sure yet. I think we will probably decide to try for a second, but there are definitely some nice things about having one too.


----------



## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
Honestly, the only people I know who have just one child either had fertility or medical problems, they were single parents, or they just did not enjoy having the first one and were never "kid" people. I am completely not saying this as a judgement, just a statement of what I have observed.

This is certainly not universally true (as you suggest). In the circles that I travel in, it's extremely common for people to have only one child (think demanding careers, high levels of education, urban settings). As I said, there are five only children in my daughter's preschool class, and I know many, many people back home in NYC who have actively chosen to have just one.

Quote:

In every case where I know the story behind it of just one child, the parents either had some limitation like fertility or medical issues or marital status, etc or, they just flat out say they did not really want children, but the potential grandparents insisted. So now, when I see someone having just one child, I figure that while I do not know for sure, either something prevented them from having more, or they kind of did not really want to have children but felt obligated for some reason.
I wouldn't assume this. I have just one and she was very, very wanted and planned. We feel very strongly about having just one, for many reasons, and we had no marital or fertility issues (pregnant on the first try!). As noted above, I have many friends and acquaintances who made a conscious choice to have just one, not out of obligation or because of fertility or other issues, but because they felt that was the right size for their family.


----------



## XanaduMama (May 19, 2006)

My kids are 28mo apart. Having two is pretty hard most of the time (though nowhere near twice as hard as having one!), but I couldn't imagine having only one--either for us, or for ds. In some ways it would definitely be easier, but it just wouldn't be "right," I don't think.

But we agreed before we had kids that if we had one, we'd have more than one: dh is an only child and hated it, whereas I'm from a big family and really loved it. We're now vaguely trying to decide about #3, but not ready to actually make that decision yet.

But I really agree with what noobmom said:

Quote:

I felt that we would never regret having another child, but we might regret NOT having another.


----------



## earthgirl (Feb 6, 2006)

I'm an only raising an only. DH has a sibling, but they are not close at all. Before DD was born we had already planned to have just one, and now that she's here it feels completely right. I love our family size and I love that we can still manage to do all of the things we did before becoming parents without taking a financial hit. We are on a pretty moderate income and I think our quality of life would go down if we had to pay for another child. I feel shallow saying that, but it's true. I will say that I do find DD to be draining at times because she does seem to demand a lot out of me. But I just assume that that's not unique to her and if I had another one I would feel even more drained. I don't know that I can articulate how right it feels for our family, but I never feel that longing for another.

It's kind of funny because I thought as she got older I might start wanting another one, but that hasn't happened at all. Her getting older is actually having the opposite effect on me. As she gets older I find that I am able to pursue some of my interests that have been on the back burner since mothering took so much of my time.

As other have already said, it really just comes down to what feels right for you, as there are absolutely no guarantees for how things turn out no matter what direction you go.


----------

