# Daily Groove Readers



## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

Anybody who would like to be part of a daily groove reader's group.

If you are interested, sign-up here to receive daily emails.

I thought if at least 5 people were interested we could each take a day and talk about...
What the info means to us personally.
How we might or might not use the info.
Whether we agree or have differing opinions.

Lurve - Mondays
PassionateWriter - Wednesday
Stickywicket67 - Thursday
Inochizo - Fridays


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

i'm down. should we do a Tribe?
(you're talking about the inspirational emails that get sent right?)


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stickywicket67* 
i'm down. should we do a Tribe?
(you're talking about the inspirational emails that get sent right?)

Yep, I feel like I can read them, if I keep up on them but even then sometimes I just don't process all the information. If I have a group of people to talk about, it would be helpful.
Yeah, A Daily Groove Readers Tribe


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## lurve (May 5, 2006)

down baby!


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

Well, that's 3. We just need two more to the group to get a daily reflection thing down.


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## AllisonK (Feb 18, 2005)

Me! But someone come and find me when I forget to come and post.







(yes I know all about subbing







)


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## PinkPantherDiva (Jul 1, 2007)

I'll join too! I need all the help I can get lately


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## CheapPearls (Aug 7, 2007)

I'm in! I love how the emails are short and to the point but sometimes I don't absorb as much from them as I would talking with others about the topic.


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

Ok pick a day. I have Friday. I was also thinking we could post how we used the email that week on a Sat or Sun.


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## kpb (Jul 1, 2006)

we get the daily email....and would love to be a part of a discussion group....funnily, i've been hoping for something like this for months--whenever i get the emails, i want to ring up everyone i know and tell them!
keep me posted...


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## PinkPantherDiva (Jul 1, 2007)

I know we're supposed to wait until Friday.....but today's e,ail had me going Huh?


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PinkPantherDiva* 
I know we're supposed to wait until Friday.....but today's e,ail had me going Huh?

Go for it.







I don't think we need to wait till Friday. I just can't do mine until Friday cuz I'm working.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

i love them. i could do wed.


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PinkPantherDiva* 
I know we're supposed to wait until Friday.....but today's e,ail had me going Huh?

yeah i liked today's too. wanna share your thoughts?


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

do we have a Thursday person yet? i'll do it if not.


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## lurve (May 5, 2006)

i will take mondays


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

So we have more than 5 people. We can rotate weeks. We still need Tuesdays and then the people who haven't picked a day pick one for the week after next. I started a list on the orginal post of the days you picked.


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

Well, it's Friday so I am going to get this thing going.

Today's Email Title "Path of least Resistance"

This is a very philosophical email. I like it a lot though because it talks about rain on the window which is pretty easy to observe here in the NW and it is a rainy morning.

I think this post will be impossible for me today but I can try to go with the flow as much as possible. We have so many things planned today. I think I will just try to not worry about time and getting it all done and that will allow things to flow better. As adults we so often go from point to point to point that taking a different path as directed by our children just feels so wrong. It doesn't mean that you won't get to what you need but it may be slower. For example, last night DS wanted to walk on the wall outside the restaurant we went to. We just wanted to go in and eat. Another example was my daughter wanted to play in the car before we left the restaurant. I let her play for a bit but we were all waiting. Finally, I blew that drop a little and gave till the count of 10 before I helped her into the carseat. She went pretty easily by that time. I think it is difficult to go with the flow completely but may be we should all plan a day every week where we don't have any plans, or very few and really allow the flow to happen as much as possible.


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## lurve (May 5, 2006)

i have been trying not to be resistant to DD's night time wakings. she will push on my back as her way of saying "get up" and usually i have always first tried to say "it's nighttime let's try and go back to sleep." it has never worked. none of what i said ever worked. so as i am re-reading byron katie and trying to just be in the moment, instead of thinking "she should be asleep" i realize that is not THE reality. the reality is, she is getting up and i might as well get up happily with her instead of having her cry because i am trying to get her to do something she will not do. though it hasn't meant any more sleep for me, i can see where she tells i am being more responsive and true to her. (see my thread in nightime parenting of "you know you have a crappy sleeper when"







)


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

Here's a question for everybody. Do you think that you can go with the flow without being mostly child centered. DS is so strong and sensitive that I feel like I lose my self and my needs sometimes.


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

i had planned to write about thursday's email but the day got away from me, which leads me to today's email...

"surrender" has become somewhat of a personal mantra since having ds! (he's now 1 y.o) i am a pretty controlling, industrious, and busy person by nature. this "path of least resistance" thing really hit home when ds showed up and suddenly all my *plans* went out the window.

becoming a parent has taught me a lot about just letting thing be. letting things work themselves out, letting go of trying to steer the boat all the time.

for me, it began when ds was a newborn and he wanted to nurse all day long. i'd been indoctrinated with the whole "scheduled feeding" thing so i had no idea. when scheduled feeding didn't jive with my plans to breastfeed, i chose the path of least resistance and surrendered to the all day nursing marathons. ds isn't the type of baby to just get put down for a nap so i've surrendered to finding sitting down activities to do while he sleeps on my lap (MDC! he he he). the same is true for having an immaculate house or getting everything done on my agenda.

i find i enjoy more of what i'm doing too because i'm actually present in the doing and not crossing things off a list.

the path of least resistance has been a huge blessing for me. i find it's trickled over into other areas of my life. instead of getting in a tizzy over some issue i surrender to the moment, make my peace with what is happening and things naturally work themselves out. i've also noticed that i spend more time listening and less time talking because i'm not as invested in changing someone's mind or controlling the situation.


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InochiZo* 
Here's a question for everybody. Do you think that you can go with the flow without being mostly child centered. DS is so strong and sensitive that I feel like I lose my self and my needs sometimes.

maybe.

i think that i have to pay close attention to gentle transitions and i have to be more in tune with how the path flows. i find i'm not swimming against stream if i plan to take care of my needs when he has had his needs (for play/ for connection) met first. i also do less but i make it count.

for me, so much of the running around is done because of boredom or not being creative or organized. i've gotten way more creative and organized in how i do my shopping, my cleaning, work, hobbies, etc...

i've also gotten really good at letting others help me. not being super controlling over how dh folds the laundry, for example, and just appreciating that it's done.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InochiZo* 
Here's a question for everybody. Do you think that you can go with the flow without being mostly child centered. DS is so strong and sensitive that I feel like I lose my self and my needs sometimes.

I think it's possible to go with the flow without losing yourself or your needs. But, I do think that the younger your children are the more child-centered you end up being out of necessity. It just takes more time, more planning, more physical effort to parent very young children (I'm thinking here of how much younger children still need done for them, the physical contact and assistance they need). And parenting very young children often does mean delaying (but not ignoring) meeting some of our own needs as parents--or learning to get creative about meeting those needs--in order to meet our children's needs.

And maybe going with the flow with young kids (maybe with kids of all ages) is very much about relaxing, being creative, not being in so much of a hurry. I find that it's much easier to go with the flow and still meet my own needs if I just relax a _little bit_, and slow down a touch--and think outside the box more often, which I have trouble doing if I don't slow down first. (YK--Maybe we can solve this problem in a way that still feels good to me and still meets my needs, without doing things the way I'd planned or initially wanted. If I take the time to slow down to become present and aware, and to realize this, it's easier to go with the flow and still feel like I'm not neglecting myself.)

As kids get older, it gets easier. Even parenting those very intense, sensitive kids can get easier as they mature and develop more and better skills. It becomes easier to work together. They can do more, they can understand more, they can give more, they can be a bit more flexible themselves. I find that the older they all get, the easier parenting becomes in some ways.


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## abitofcrunchmama (Jan 21, 2008)

i would love to join this post. i find the emails wonderful, but not sticking in my head.

i'm a tad new to MDC...should i subscribe to this thread, so i'm sure to follow along? (tia)


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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stickywicket67* 
i had planned to write about thursday's email but the day got away from me, which leads me to today's email...

"surrender" has become somewhat of a personal mantra since having ds! (he's now 1 y.o) i am a pretty controlling, industrious, and busy person by nature. this "path of least resistance" thing really hit home when ds showed up and suddenly all my *plans* went out the window.

becoming a parent has taught me a lot about just letting thing be. letting things work themselves out, letting go of trying to steer the boat all the time.

for me, it began when ds was a newborn and he wanted to nurse all day long. i'd been indoctrinated with the whole "scheduled feeding" thing so i had no idea. when scheduled feeding didn't jive with my plans to breastfeed, i chose the path of least resistance and surrendered to the all day nursing marathons. ds isn't the type of baby to just get put down for a nap so i've surrendered to finding sitting down activities to do while he sleeps on my lap (MDC! he he he). the same is true for having an immaculate house or getting everything done on my agenda.

i find i enjoy more of what i'm doing too because i'm actually present in the doing and not crossing things off a list.

the path of least resistance has been a huge blessing for me. i find it's trickled over into other areas of my life. instead of getting in a tizzy over some issue i surrender to the moment, make my peace with what is happening and things naturally work themselves out. i've also noticed that i spend more time listening and less time talking because i'm not as invested in changing someone's mind or controlling the situation.

wow. i could have written your post! My DS is also one (well, 13 months today) and has always been a marathon nurser, and I am also a 'busy' productive person.Until now i've defined myself by the things i achieved and did. I remember a healer saying to me a few years ago that the chronic complaint i had, would only improve when i stopped 'doing' and started 'being' more. despite this advice, i still couldn't shake these deep habits.

but then along came DS, and more than anything else has, he has taught me a different way to be. I'm really grateful but i also struggle some days! i still have a tendency to rush around and over-schedule things, but when i take time out from that, and just let things flow, everything is better - our relationship, my mental health, DS seems happier and less grizzly...

I've been sub'bing to the Daily groove digest for a few months now, I like it but sometimes have to admit i find it a wee bit idealistic/abstract. So would love to join this group and discuss these concepts amongst ourselves.


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abitofcrunchmama* 
i would love to join this post. i find the emails wonderful, but not sticking in my head.

i'm a tad new to MDC...should i subscribe to this thread, so i'm sure to follow along? (tia)

WELCOME and YES!!!


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## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

I'll join! I've been getting the e-mails for a while now, though I have to admit I don't always read them.







So hopefully this thread(tribe?) will inspire me to read them a little more consistently.


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## Hokulele (Mar 2, 2005)

Great thread!


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## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InochiZo* 
Well, it's Friday so I am going to get this thing going.

Today's Email Title "Path of least Resistance"

This is a very philosophical email. I like it a lot though because it talks about rain on the window which is pretty easy to observe here in the NW and it is a rainy morning.

I think this post will be impossible for me today but I can try to go with the flow as much as possible. We have so many things planned today. I think I will just try to not worry about time and getting it all done and that will allow things to flow better. *As adults we so often go from point to point to point that taking a different path as directed by our children just feels so wrong.* *It doesn't mean that you won't get to what you need but it may be slower.* For example, last night DS wanted to walk on the wall outside the restaurant we went to. We just wanted to go in and eat. Another example was my daughter wanted to play in the car before we left the restaurant. I let her play for a bit but we were all waiting. Finally, I blew that drop a little and gave till the count of 10 before I helped her into the carseat. She went pretty easily by that time. *I think it is difficult to go with the flow completely but may be we should all plan a day every week where we don't have any plans, or very few and really allow the flow to happen as much as possible*.

Bolding mine...I totally agree with this. I've been doing little things like the examples you gave for quite a while now, particularly the playing in the car since 2.5 yo ds LOVES to "drive", and has for quite some time now!







Often times if we are in a hurry I will say, "I know you really love to drive, but we have to go right now, you can drive when we come back to the car."
Usually it all goes smoothly but I still find that he tries to "milk it" for all he can, after 5 minutes of standing there letting him drive I start telling him "Ok, we're going to have to go in the house(or wherever) soon." so giving him a time to prepare for the transition, but even with a few warnings like that it is often still like pulling teeth getting him out of the car and into the house.







But he's 2 and a half, and I know it won't be like this forever. I guess it gives me a chance to practice patience.









As for the last part I bolded, I've been allowing the "flow" to happen when we've been at home lately, and I've noticed a definite change in his compliance and the closeness of our relationship. Previous to this I was having somewhat of a difficult time with him, it seemed like EVERYTHING was a struggle and that he was whining and crying for seemingly no reason, and it was grating on my nerves A LOT. Then I bought the book Connection Parenting(I cannot recommend this book enough!







), and it seemed like immediately upon starting to read it, things just started falling into place. What I've started doing is, making a list of a couple of things I want to get accomplished during the day. They've gone something like this:

1. Eat breakfast
2. Play
3. Put a load of laundry in.
4. Play
5. Have D help you wash dishes
6. Play
etc...

Certainly I don't always get everything I want done, but it has helped me to remember to loosen the reins a little, and since he recognizes that I am taking more time to connect with him, he has been able to be more accepting of the times when I have to say no to him for whatever reason. By no means is it perfect, but I definitely recommend going with the flow as much as possible.


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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

Wow, such a great thread. I particularly like this bit of the email:
*Today, set the intention to flow like water through
your day and with your children. Notice that when
you feel stressed, you're resisting in some way.

And when you feel good, you're going with the Flow.
*

this is so true for me. I'm learning to stop, when I'm feeling that harried stressed feeling, and let go a little, realise that whatever it is really isn't that important. I used to think everything had to be done *now* - DS's nappy had to be changed now, he had to get dressed now, etc...until I realised it really didn't matter if it was delayed because he (to calm down from a tantrum) needed to be read a short story, or sung to, or whatever.

I like what you said, mama pisces, about how the compliance and closeness of your relationship improved when you started to go with the flow more. I remember reading the original 'Tao' book years ago and loving the concepts, but not seeing how they could really be applied. Now, I'm starting to get it.


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## boigrrrlwonder (Jan 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stickywicket67* 
"surrender" has become somewhat of a personal mantra since having ds!

I've been thinking a lot about this since I read this. I was never a busy, industrious person. Actually, previous to DD, my life was kind of chaotic. But it was the kind of chaos I created; I bucked a lot against others' control. And here I have this little person who needs me to surrender what often seems like EVERYTHING to take care of her (I have a 20 month old). And I've been busy about thinking about fair, about whether what I'm doing is right and giving her what I need and whether I'm spoiling her, and what all - but I've been trying to stop and "go with the flow" even if I'm frustrated that we're in the midst of a potty strike and I just want to go to the gym and focus on the incredible connection my child and I have - and that this potty strike is in part her way of communicating to me and that because I've been so fortunate to be able to be a SAHP I can pick up on these kinds of communications. And that I'll miss all of this.


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## lurve (May 5, 2006)

sorry i am off to such a late start! no excuses as we all know what they are! so monday's daily groove is

:: Kids Hear Your Vibe, Not Your Words ::

The younger your child, the more his or her
interpretation of your words is based on the emotional
energy they carry -- your "vibe" -- not the words
themselves.

So if your child doesn't listen to your reasonable
requests, try this: Listen to yourself as if you
didn't know the language and couldn't understand the
words; all you have to go by is the tone, the body
language, the vibe.

Is it joyful, or heavy? Do you sound eager, or
burdened? Does it feel confident, or ambivalent?
Is your life a groove, or a grind?

If your vibe is heavy, your joy-oriented child will
naturally (and wisely!) tune you out.

Try being silent until you feel centered, connected,
and in the Flow. When you speak from that place,
you'll emanate an attractive vibe and your child
will *want* to align with you.

I was just remarking to my friend today how I was so happy that my daughter is confident enough in what she wants, and knows that she will be listened to. She is 21 months old and has known the sign language symbol for "finished" (all done, that's all, etc!) for a few months. She uses it to tell me when she is done with an activity or when she doesn't want to do something. I love it. Because I could never do that with my own mother. i knew that if i told her that i didn't want to do something (simple or complex) that she would be disappointed. it was very much a conditional love (and i feel it is today too). So even though I may not like what my DD is saying "all done" too, it seems to be a reminder to me that in fact I am teaching my daughter to be authentic and that I am rejoicing because she is teaching me to be authentic.


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

thursdays:

Quote:

Nothing but Roses
The age-old advice to "stop and smell the roses"
is more poignant than ever in these times of
over-scheduled, task-driven lifestyles.

As adults, that could mean taking a few minutes a day
to appreciate the little things that add sweetness to
our lives. But for children, especially the very
young, virtually *everything* is a rose!

Imagine stepping outside and witnessing a total
eclipse of the sun that reveals a glorious meteor
shower, accompanied by a choir of dogs howling in
three-part harmony! Everything is that extraordinary
to a child because s/he hasn't been around long enough
for very many things to seem "ordinary."

So the next time you're in a hurry and your child is
"dawdling," remember that s/he is simply smelling the
roses.

Let your child inspire you to don your own "beginner's
mind" and experience the fresh uniqueness of this
"ordinary" moment.

my ds is a bit young for true dawdling except when it comes to dogs!
he loves dogs and he will notice them from very far away when we're out and about. i will always take the extra minute to walk to where the dog is and let him have his moment of delight.

as i posted before i'm a "get er done" kinda gal. however, i have a true appreciation for savoring the moments in between. i remember many times as a kid playing outside and purposefully thinking to myself one day i will be a grown up and i won't live here, i need to remember this moment exactly as it it. i still think about those moments now. as an adult i often take the route i'm unfamiliar with just to have my moment of "smelling the roses". i enjoy taking the extra few minutes to make the bed in the morning not because i feel i *must* but just because i like the way it looks. on my way to work i play a game where i name all the blooming flowers i see if i don't know one i try to find out what it is. taking that extra few minutes to notice the details heightens my senses and adds value to my everyday tasks.

i can't wait to experience "dawdling" with fresh eyes!


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

Generalizing Desires

So today's email is about desires or as I see it needs. We all have needs and desires. I actually just went to a Nonviolent communication class which is awesome and I would recommend it to anyone. They talk a lot about needs and recognizing the need behind a feeling. I think you can find this need/desire in a lot of children's actions. I find this email a very good reminder about empathy. You can't recognize that need and desire unless you can take your child's perspective. My kids generally don't like the other options I give them. They would rather do whatever it is they had in their mind. However, I have found that if I can empathize with their need/desire, I can get better redirection. With the email example it might look like this... "It sure looks like you are having a lot of fun jumping on that couch. Jumping and bouncing is a lot of fun. I wish I could jump and bounce like that but I might break the couch. Maybe we can find something else to jump and bounce on." This connection/empathy before redirection can be very helpful in many many situations. The author is mainly talking about finding some kind of middle ground but sometimes there just isn't anything that satisfy that need/desire. DS has been much much better about going to bed just because we have been able to recognize and empathize with him that going to bed is "not fun" and that all this other stuff is a lot of fun.


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## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

Quote:


_:: Radical Honesty ::

Hiding the truth (from yourself and/or others) is a
constant energy drain. To free yourself from the
burden of secrets and lies, you must cultivate the
skill of radical honesty: willingness to reveal any
truth, no matter how "unacceptable" it is.

Withholding truth is such an integral part of our
culture that you probably don't notice when you're
doing it. So, for today, pay close attention to your
thoughts and expressions, and continually ask
yourself, "Am I being as honest as I could be
about that? Is there a deeper truth?"

Examples of "acceptable" dishonesty include saying
you're "fine" when you're not, *and *not* saying how
you feel about the way your friend treats her child.
*
When you spot a white lie or withheld truth, notice
how it feels in your body -- the energy and effort
required to distort or ignore your true feelings.

Then imagine being radically honest -- telling it
exactly like it is. If you could be that honest *and*
keep your heart open, would you?_
This is interesting to me. I have a neighbor that is pretty non-GD with her toddler. Her dd is 7 months older than my ds, they love playing together, so we all often hang out at the community playground behind our townhouses. The mom is constantly yelling at her, coercing, bribing, and I have seen her spank twice.









I've said little comments here and there, in the 'defense' of toddlers in general, but i was just wondering: how does one go about speaking their truth about the other's parenting, without risking ruining the relationship? I guess I just feel that it's not really my place to say anything, but at the same time my heart aches for her little girl, so there I am, in-between a rock and a hard place almost every time we hang out. And I do notice how that feels in my body: it is a very discernible sense of discomfort that I often find myself maneuvering around. Being that she is my neighbor, I'm sure when we move we will not hang out nearly as much, but for now I don't want to deprive ds of one of the only playmates he has around his age.

I'm thinking of giving them the book "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk." for Christmas, if we have a couple of extra bucks. I've only thumbed through it at an LLL meeting, but it seems like it would be a good fit for this situation.


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## InochiZo (Aug 17, 2004)

I just don't think I am a radically honest person. I think the best thing is to be honest with yourself, demonstrate the behaviors you appreciate, lead by example and be non-judgemental. I have to live/work with a lot of other people and I find accepting behavior over honesty much more important. If I want to bring up an issue I usually like to use empathy and understanding because confrontation is just never positive for me. There are certainly different ways of being honest in my mind.


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InochiZo* 
I just don't think I am a radically honest person. I think the best thing is to be honest with yourself, demonstrate the behaviors you appreciate, lead by example and be non-judgemental. I have to live/work with a lot of other people and I find accepting behavior over honesty much more important. If I want to bring up an issue I usually like to use empathy and understanding because confrontation is just never positive for me. There are certainly different ways of being honest in my mind.

i agree with you InochiZo.

i will choose being peaceful over being *right* nine times out of ten. i feel like we need to take into consideration "honesty" from the standpoint of the other person. i know someone who is pretty dis-honest in her interpersonal interactions- flakes on her word, bribes her kids, manipulates her family and friends. a lot of her interactions are coming from a place of coping she means well but she doesn't have a good set of boundaries and so is dishonest as a result. me calling her out on her dis-honesty would not only alienate her but it would force her into a realm of honesty _with herself_ that she is not emotionally ready for.

i try to demonstrate to her how being honest is actually freeing (as opposed to scary.) it's a process and i don't think it serves a purpose to "call her out". i try to be as honest as i can in my dealings with her and in front of her but i don't see how being "radically honest" to her directly would help her, me, or the situation.


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## Hokulele (Mar 2, 2005)

Great thread! I liked today's email:

_Children can feel your anger whether or not you talk
about it, so there's no point in hiding it. But being
honest about your anger doesn't mean expressing
it *at* your child.

Instead of yelling, "I'm really mad at you for doing
that!" you can process the anger separately. If it
feels emotionally honest to curse and stomp, you can
do so without "pointing" the negative energy at your
child. Turn away and don't make eye contact until
you've transformed the anger into *determination* to
get what you want. Then you can say something like,
"I *really* want you to find another way! I *know* we
can work this out..." etc.

In other words, don't use "honesty" as an excuse to
dump on your child. Be honest with *yourself* and find
a way to "detoxify" your truth before expressing it to
your child._

I needed this. DH has been out of town a lot & I'm a SAHM. With a four month old and three year old and no back up child care, I've been feeling stressed - which right now for me is manifesting itself in my being quick to anger. I love the bit about transforming anger into determination... a good way to channel that emotion into something productive and less hurtful to the child.


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## COVegMom (Mar 9, 2008)

I would like to discuss.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

:

joining!


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## sunnysandiegan (Mar 5, 2008)

Wednesday:

Quote:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: FEEL Your Way to Find Your Way ::

Once you understand that the primary purpose of your
emotions is to guide your thinking, you no longer need
to over-rely on cold rationality to make good
parenting decisions.

Your decisions can be "emotional" without being
irrational. (They may, however, transcend conventional
rationality.)

The key is to be willing to *wait*. Take no action
until your emotions give you the green light, because
your culturally pre-programmed answers come up
immediately, while your creative process takes some
time to ripen.

Often a particular choice seems very reasonable, but
you feel *something* isn't quite right. Connecting
with the feeling and waiting for more clarity usually
reveal another aspect that, when considered, leads to
a better course of action.

If you have a history of indecisiveness, don't go for
"perfect" decisions. When your creative process leads
to any feeling of *relief*, consider it a green light
for a *good enough* decision. You can always amend
your decision later.
I am fairly new to this forum on MDC and am really enjoying the virtues concepts. I've been receiving the above emails since late October, I think, (maybe early November...not long either way) and have read them casually. This one (above) really resonated with me!









I am an emotional person and have mostly felt uncomfortable with this aspect of myself through social conditioning and parental guidance. I have been freeing myself slowly from the social stigma and this email feels very validating! I also appreciate the advice of "waiting" and am going to give this some thought and practical application today with my 7 year old.

How about you?


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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

I like the idea of listening to your emotions and giving them time to give you the answer. But, as a very emotional person, I find my 'feelings' come out very strongly FIRST in most situations, and then I'm so busy trying to not let them run away with me, and often to do the 'socially acceptable thing' in a situation where I don't feel safe enough to be totally authentic (for e.g., as someone was saying in an earlier post, when you have a friend/acquaintance whose parenting you are uncomfortable with), that I lose touch with how my instinct tells me to respond. There are just so many 'layers' to unpick.

I also am coming back to Non violent communication principles and trying to apply them to my child. I'm dealing with my anger/frustration much better except on days when I'm really over-tired and have had no relief for days from childcare, and even then I'm usually managing to 'manage' it better. I also like to look at my own needs and how they can be met. My friend who has a 4 month old says she's been alternating doing one thing for her son, then one for herself, to help prevent resentment, boredom and frustration. I like that idea.


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

i went out of town for a week and couldn't post on my thursdays!
i'm going to go back right now and do yesterday's and hopefully bump the thread up a bit. i really like what everyone is sharing.

Quote:

:: Inner Separation Anxiety (Part 2) ::

Let's take this concept a step further and say that
ALL separation anxiety is due to "inner separation"
whether or not there's a physical separation.

In other words, your child becomes anxious when s/he
*feels* disconnected from you, and that feeling may
be rooted in *any* type of separation -- physical,
mental, or spiritual -- real or imagined.

If you believe you "have to" leave your child, your
belief in lack of freedom will separate you from
your Self. Your child will feel that disconnectedness
even before you leave.

But when you achieve inner connectedness, it soothes
anxieties AND makes it easier to attract into your
life more people with whom your child feels a secure,
consistent, loving connection. Creating such a
"village" can lessen if not eliminate your child's
separation anxiety.

So do your best to make peace with separations when
they occur, and hold the vision that your child will
be okay. But remain open to the possibility that
your child can have all the physical closeness s/he
desires, too.

this week's email reminded me a lot of when i was dating. i remember being in some not so great relationships and when we were apart from each other there would be a lot of anxiety. a lot of silly fighting and insecurity surrounding our relationship. it was like more physical time together would make up for the lack of a true mental and spiritual connection.

when i started dating my dh there was never any sort of uncomfortableness in time we spent apart. for about a year i traveled for work and was only home on weekends. even though we would talk just once or twice during the week i was away, we both were so confident of our mental and spiritual connection with each other and with _ourselves_ that it transcended the physical separation.

i think this same connection can be applied to our children. when we confidently invite others to be a part of our child's "village" we are sending our child the message that the world is abundant in love rather than the notion that love is scarce and easily diminished by physical separation.


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## blizzard_babe (Feb 14, 2007)

Can I join in the group? I signed up, and had it sent to my work e-mail, so I'm more likely to read it.


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## sunnysandiegan (Mar 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stickywicket67* 
i think this same connection can be applied to our children. when we confidently invite others to be a part of our child's "village" we are sending our child the message that the world is abundant in love rather than the notion that love is scarce and easily diminished by physical separation.

I agree with you wrote!









It took me awhile to feel comfortable leaving our DD with others. I didn't HAVE to, so we didn't really work on that with her. Then, our lives changed and I no longer was able to take her to work with me. We had no family here, so I relied on our playgroup at first. We had a babysitting co-op and this was a perfect transition for me and DD. Eventually she went to an in-home daycare (part-time) and we were all very comfortable with the care provider. DH & I took turns dropping her off and picking her up and DD did very well. We kept up the playgroup co-op for date nights for another year or two. Eventually two new YMCAs were built and we used those for date nights (with friends) and then my dad moved to town. We have great neighbors, too. I've always loved the idea of "it takes a village to raise a child". It took me awhile to apply it, though. LOL


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## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

i always have felt like our core relationship (me and dh) is an oasis for us. we both get a lot of energy and safety and understanding from each other which has freed us up to be open to really great friendships with others.

i think it is hard to know the world is "abundant in love" if you have never felt that abundance firsthand.

i'm kind of going off on a tangent, but...
that concept of abundance is always in my mind. growing up i felt a lot of the time i didn't have "enough" and it caused me to go over board in unhealthy ways like one- sided friendships, eating, shopping, clingy dating relationships. it wasn't until i started telling myself "there is always more" that i settled down and became a lot more confident and stopped those "scarcity" behaviors.

in parenting i think about abundance a lot. i'm really conscious of not instilling in my son that idea of "scarcity" or separateness and i look for ways to reinforce the idea of abundance. the village is part of it. a big big part of it- a way to connect him to others rather than limiting his scope of connection. of course, abundance starts with parental attention and why i like AP so much- it teaches him that his needs will be met and that he is listened to and understood, freeing him up to feel safe with the world.


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## Hokulele (Mar 2, 2005)

Oooh good one today. This part especially:

_If your child "misbehaves" in public: "I DARE ME to keep my heart open and respond creatively, even though everyone is probably thinking I should punish my child."_

With the holidays coming up this is important for me to keep in mind. Much of my family thinks gentle discipline is just another silly crunchie thing I do. Many of them believe that spanking is good.







When DD is testing her limits (she does this, she's THREE!!) it will be a good reminder for me not to worry about what others think, just do what I feel is best for DD and me.


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