# Did you grow up with two homes-Did you regret your parents divorce?



## Phoenix~Mama (Dec 24, 2007)

Hi... I was hoping to hear from adults that grew up with two homes, meaning their parents divorced sometime in their childhood. Did you regret their divorce? Or did you think it was probably the best thing they did? When you became old enough to understand, did you appreciate your parents thinking about your happiness?

I'd just like some real feedback from adults who have lived it. I have heard various stories...

If you hated and regretted it... why? Could they have done anything differently to make it better or easier on you?

Thanks for sharing.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

My situation is probably different than you're asking about. My parents divorced when I was 17 and it did leave me with some major issues. I really think it was because of their situation and my age. My and my brother's happiness wasn't an equation in it.

But yes, my parents were much happier after they divorced than I ever remember seeing them. So in that way, I'm glad it happened. In every other way, I wish they hadn't.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Also different, but...my parents split up when I was 20 or 21. I was _so_ relieved, and a little bit upset with my mom for not doing it sooner. They got back together a couple of times (the last was when I was 23, when my brother and I got married only a few months apart and stirred up all the "this is our family" stuff). When mom finally met my stepdad, I was glad they were finally done with the farce. We had a great childhood, but by the time I was 12 or 13, there was no reason for them to be together, and I can remember wishing with all my heart that she'd just end it.


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

Dh's parents stayed married (they'll celebrate 40 years in November) but he and his siblings (all four of them) have often said that it would have been easier if they divorced. Their parents always fought. MIL talks down to FIL constantly and yells at him all the time too. Even my 4-year-old has picked up on it and doesn't enjoy going to family things because "Grandma is going to yell at Grandpa a lot."

Just wanted to give you that point of view.


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## sisteeesmama (Oct 24, 2008)

I didn't have two houses as my dad was out of the picture after the divorce and I have never seen him since I was 1.
But I would say that as a child I did not regret the divorce at all.
When my mom remarried that was the real issue for me. I think it was a bad choice as far as our family and I do regret that she brought that new element into our family. As a mom I would never remarry until my child was an adult. She dated and that was never a problem, it was the new "dad" that caused issues.


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## Phoenix~Mama (Dec 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elmh23* 
Dh's parents stayed married (they'll celebrate 40 years in November) but he and his siblings (all four of them) have often said that it would have been easier if they divorced. Their parents always fought. MIL talks down to FIL constantly and yells at him all the time too. Even my 4-year-old has picked up on it and doesn't enjoy going to family things because "Grandma is going to yell at Grandpa a lot."

Just wanted to give you that point of view.

This is kind of what spurred the question...

My parents have now been together 30 years... and often I have wished my Mom would have left when she'd gone on about it...

But I guess I'm wondering if this is one of those "grass is always greener on the other side" kind of things...

Kids always wishing whatever situation they are in was the other way. What does anyone think about that?


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

I didn't have two houses, but I have lived with the latent consequences of divorce all my life. My mom left us when I was two years old, and I didn't have a mother figure in my life until my dad married my stepmom when I was about five. My dad only sought a divorce from my bio-mom when it was evident that she was not coming back to us. I don't remember her and wouldn't know her if I saw her on the street. I have pretty much convinced myself that this divorce was good. My only regret is the pain that my dad went through. He still won't talk about it, so I feel that my life more or less started at three (earliest memories are from around that time). I found out through family sources that my dad and bio-mom "had" to get married because of me. They didn't marry for love. They married because it was the right thing to do at the time. My bio-mom probably would have been a miserable human being if she had stayed. My guess is that she would have resented me all her life if she had stayed. In my case, divorce proved to be the better option, even if a part of my life is missing.


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## marisa724 (Oct 31, 2003)

I am so glad my parents split up, and I wish they would've gotten their acts together and done it sooner.

Actually, I think my mom knew for a long time that she wanted out, but my dad kept asking for more chances. Since there was an addiction component, I think she did give him the chance to get sober and be in recovery for a while (which he did -- 20+ years now). That didn't clear up the interpersonal problems they had, though. My dad's a big control freak in a lot of ways -- but it must be YOU that can't get along with HIM, kwim?

Anyway, they started separating when I was young - we'd go stay at my grandmother's, I must've been 8 or 9. They finally divorced when I was in high school. Yes, it was tough having to spend time in two places, but it was in no way strange -- we adapted. We had lots of friends whose parents were divorced. It wasn't shameful, just something that happened.

My mom has always gone out of her way not to say bad things about my dad - even being very complimentary, telling us how talented he is, etc. - but my dad hasn't done the same. It's taken its toll on our relationship with our dad, but he has only himself to blame as far as that goes.

I'm the oldest and I'm old enough to remember how tense it was in my house, being sent out to sit on the step with my little brother (we're 5 years apart) because they were fighting.... Yeah, I'm glad they split up. I'm glad we've gotten to know them on these terms rather than as these crazy people who were always mad at each other.


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## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

My dad wasn't a very nice man to my mother. She worked three jobs to put him through school and he wouldn't do the same for her. They fought a lot and he didn't treat her as an equal. He was very mean to my brothers and I. Constantly yelling at us. Spanking (well, beating) happened daily, etc.

After the divorce, my mom was a much happier person. It taught me to not stand for a man that doesn't treat me with respect. Granted, my dad remarried and we now have very little contact with him because he is involved with his "new family".

But honestly, it wasn't that much of a loss.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JSMa* 
Kids always wishing whatever situation they are in was the other way. What does anyone think about that?

I don't know about kids. I do know that I've always been relieved that my parents finally split up - relieved that dad's drinking doesn't impact family gatherings, anymore, and relieved that mom has carved out a life that doesn't revolve around someone else's garbage. Even she admits she wasn't the mom she wanted to be or "should" have been in our teens, because she was pouring too much emotional energy into her marriage.

DS1 and I have talked a little bit. His dad and I split up when he was 7. He says he wishes we could have stayed together forever, but not if it was going to be like it was. He loves his dad, but also remembers that life was much less stressful and hard after his dad moved out. I had more energy for him, because I wasn't pouring it all into trying to make my marriage work.

I think what most kids really want isn't the "greener grass" of parents splitting up or not splitting up (whichever they didn't do). What they really want is two parents who love each other and form a healthy home. I really think a lot of kids who wish mom and dad hadn't split up often _really_ wish mom and dad hadn't _had_ to split up.

I wanted my mom to break it off with my dad, but only because I didn't think there was any possibility my dad would get sober...not because I wanted my dad the hell out of my life. I _wanted_ my dad to get sober. That wasn't going to happen. The next best was having that out of our daily life. Am I making any sense?


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

My parents divorced when I was maybe 2 or 3. I don't ever remember living with my "real dad", as I have always called him. My mom remarried very shortly after that, and my step dad has always been my "dad". I know now that things were difficult for him, but I never saw him as anything but my father.

My problems with the divorce I think had more to do with my real dad than anything. He wanted to have a relationship with me, but didn't want to put in the effort. He could never figure out what was important to me (e.g. he wouldn't come to one of my marching band competitions, but he made a huge fuss about my HS graduation and he and my grandpa had a falling out over it). He constantly belittled the things I was interested in and told me I could never ever make money following my dreams. He told me I was fat when I was 10 to 12. By the time I was 16, I asked my mom if they could change the agreement so that I didn't have to see him again unless I wanted to. He lived two states away, so I only saw him once a year anyway, but I hated that that once a year was always Christmas when I would rather have been with my family.

I have had a lot of arguments with him about how he has never shown me that he cares about me, and some of the things he's said have been very hurtful. I eventually came to terms with the fact that he was never going to be a part of my life unless he wanted to. At my wedding, he took the mic first and gave this big speech about how he could tell that DH and were so in love, and that DH was a great guy. He had met him the day before for about an hour. I'm glad that at my own wedding I was just able to sit back and laugh about how silly he was, and now I actually feel kinda sorry for him. I think my parent's divorce really stunted him emotionally. For all of his shortfallings, I think he was really in love with my mom.

All of this is of course to say that, no I don't regret that my parents got divorced. I had a wonderful two parent home regardless. I don't think I would have turned out so well if I had had to live in the house with the man who likes to call himself my dad for 18 years. And I know my mom would have been a wreck if they'd stayed together for me.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

My parents split up when I was 10, we spent one year going back and forth between the two homes, and then when I was 12 my mom remarried and I moved out of state with her and my stepfather. It was some serious drama for a kid, to be sure- I hadn't known anything about the problems that were going on before, and so it felt out of the blue to me, and to this day I remember my childhood up to that time as being magical and perfect. That said, I don't think that the experience screwed me up or anything







I'm sure that different kids react to things in differnet ways, but I was very resilient. Changing schools right after the divorce was scary but exciting, and I made new friends and adjusted to our new house easily. When we moved out of state I had a harder time with the school- mainly because I was going from a small, rural school to a large, urban one- major culture shock there. But I absolutely adore my stepfather- always have. He's a really wonderful person, and I think that my mom made a really good decision (especially now, knowing all the details about my dad and what was going on) I still have a decent relationship with my dad and stepmother- mainly because I put the effort in to keep up with phone calls and occasional visits- it definitely still hurts my feelings that that effort falls to me- I think they should be much more proactive. One thing that would make a big difference in my comfort level would be if my mom could chill herself out a bit whenever we all end up being together. I understand her feelings, and I'm sure that I would feel the same way- but it's a shame that their tension can end up clouding really special events, like weddings, etc. So-- I don't regret it. I do feel a sadness about not having my childhood home as still my "family home", if that makes sense. My dad and stepmom live there and are happy to have us visit-- but they did major remodels after they got married and I kind of feel like "my" home is gone and I can't really find my way back- it's weird and, like I said, kind of sad for me. It's also very hard for me sometimes to know that the reality was so different from my perception as a child. I definitely think that a truly happy family is worth more than a fake happy picture for the world-- but I also know that I will fight tooth and nail for my marriage to remain strong so that my dd can grow up feeling secure in our little circle of love. I want us each to be happy, but I think that, once people have decided to get married and start a family, it needs to be a top priority to find ways to be happy together. If that can't happen- then I think that finding happiness apart is preferrable to being miserable together (and I'm very conscious, having a daughter, of how I want her to learn that women should be treated)


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

I haven't had a chance to read other replies but I experienced I think what you are asking about. My parents split when I was quite young about 6 or 7 and my brother was around 5...

The divorce itself was for the best as my mom was a very repressed lesbian who unfortunately realized this after being married to my dad for several years. So looking back in one sense it was obviously the best thing for them both...At the time however the damage it did to me and I am sure my brother although I cannot speak for him is part of my daily life...

They fought viciously for custody and before that stage they fought horribly in front of my brother and I and I very clearly remember certain incidents where they would be screaming at eachother although we weren't even there. At the time I hated it and felt like it was my fault in some way. I also felt like I had to protect my little brother but was so young myself didn't know how or from what I was protecting him. I felt no relief at the time because it was horrible through and through. After the divorce itself was final even when my parents would meet to switch off who had us, they would fight, in public, in parking lots wherever. They also bad-mouthed each other to my brother and I. Basically all the worst stuff you hear about during a bad divorce. Using the kids against the other adult etc...

Today, I look back with relief that they got divorced, they get along wonderfully 15 years later and can actually be friends (my dad calls my mom all the time for advice). Sometimes it truly is the best thing.

What I do regret is how it went down. I will never forget some of the aweful things that occurred to my brother and I because our parents were too wrapped up in their own anger and misery to realize how it might affect us.

The problem that happens or at least in my case occurred is when parents get divorced and the children are young, if the parents do not make it extremely clear over and over again that it is not the child's fault, that child doesn't understand and thinks it is in part, I know I did... Also fighting in front of the child is something that will not be forgotten, I know I have never forgotten it or the things my parents said to me about the other...Thats what I regret, that they couldn't handle themselves like adults and left my brother and I to deal with their issues! Once again though, today i am glad they did and I love them both and know that it was for the best!


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## texmama (Jun 4, 2005)

My parents divorced when I was 12 - I remember being relieved when it happened, I was ready for an end to the constant bickering and arguments. It was difficult in some ways, my time was divided between parents, and the emotions from my parents in the beginning of the divorce where hard to see. But it was the best thing that could have happened for my relationship with my father. I don't really remember him being a major part of my childhood, he was so busy making a living for the family, that he forgot to be part of the family. But after the divorce, he made a huge effort to be an active part of my life. My brother and I each had our own room at his place, we spent every Wed and every weekend with my father and he made the most of the time by learning to cook, taking us to festivals, and really being there for us.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I will speak for both myself, and my daughter.

First me... My parents did NOT divorce. But, for most of my childhood, I would have given almost anything if they had. But, I would not have gone to my dad's house if they had divorced, so I would only have had one house.

My daughter... She was fine that we weren't together. (usually) but, she never liked going from home to his house on the weekends. Especially as she got older and had to skip sleepovers and parties. She would have rather he come to stay with us on his weekends. LOL.

My neighbors actually do that. The kids stay in the house, the parents move out on the weekends. It works for them. We (the neighbors) kinda like it too. We all really like the Dad, but can barely tolerate the mom.


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

I was 6 or 7 when my parents divorced. My father was a depressed alcoholic who was chronically unemployed. My mother worked constantly because she had to support us.

While I think it was for the best for my mom, it was a horrible time for us children. It wasn't even that dramatic, no custody battles, no massive fights in front of us, etc. My dad did disappear for awhile to get himself sober and had quite a few choice words to say when my mother remarried a year later. That made things harder.

I guess what I'm saying is that as a child, I wished that my parents were still together and wished they hadn't divorced. I still have a secret part of me that wishes that they had stayed together and worked things out. However, as an adult and viewing my mother as a person with needs instead of just as my mother, I see that she did what she needed to do.

Is that clear as mud?

ETA: I spent every other weekend and some (very pitiful) holidays with my father. I never viewed his apartment as my home though. He has never remarried and I've always felt a sense of responsibility for him.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Another who's situation is different then you mean. My dad divorced my Bio mom after she tried to kill him when I was 14 months old. His second wife is "mom" to me. They divorced when I was six. I didn't live in two homes really because mom had no grounds for custody and even if she did she probably would have just let me stay with dad. I did spend time at her house ( if anyone asks I was visiting my brother). Honestly each and every time my dad has gotten divorced (four times) I was happy about it. It was usually preceeded by a whole lot of fighting, tension, nasty sarcastic comments, and some very WASPish behaviour. It was not pleasant.

My brother had a harder time with mom and dad being divorced because they are both his bio parents and he was too young to really remember what it was like just before the divorce. For along time he thought that they divorced because they hit a rough patch and decided to call it quits without really trying (thank you to some overly nosey and way too presumtuous adults in mom's church). We got that cleared up around the time he turned 16. He found out that the stories I made up for him where my way of trying to distract him from the yelling.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marisa724* 
*I am so glad my parents split up, and I wish they would've gotten their acts together and done it sooner.*
.

I guess I always wonder in these conversations, why not wish they had gotten their acts together and made a happy marriage together? I am not being snarky. I hear that alot, "I wish my parents ahd split up, rather than fighting for 20 years (or whatever)" why not wish they had just grown up and gotten along?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
Well, I was kind of asking the same thing. And I dont' mean it to be snotty. But can anyone really argue that two happy parents 'apart' is really better than two happy parents 'together'?

I don't think anyone could argue that. But, I'm not sure how it applies to anything in this thread. I'd have loved two happy parents together...but they've been _permanently_ split up for over 16 years. Their first - short - separation was when I was about 16. My dad's still drinking. Sometimes, two happy parents together isn't an option. It just isn't.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

In situations like the ops, if her husband refuses to get help, then yes, it probably is better for her daughter. but really, her husband should get help. that would be the best scenario.


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## JavaJunkie (Jan 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JSMa* 
Hi... I was hoping to hear from adults that grew up with two homes, meaning their parents divorced sometime in their childhood. Did you regret their divorce? Or did you think it was probably the best thing they did? When you became old enough to understand, did you appreciate your parents thinking about your happiness?

I'd just like some real feedback from adults who have lived it. I have heard various stories...

If you hated and regretted it... why? Could they have done anything differently to make it better or easier on you?

Thanks for sharing.









Well, my parents never divorced, but I used to pray(literally!) that they would.

ETA: I see that you were basically in the same place as I when younger! Should have read ahead. lol


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## plunky (Aug 23, 2008)

I was relieved when my parents split up. The year leading up to it was not a fun one.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I don't think anyone could argue that. But, I'm not sure how it applies to anything in this thread. I'd have loved two happy parents together...but they've been _permanently_ split up for over 16 years. Their first - short - separation was when I was about 16. My dad's still drinking. Sometimes, two happy parents together isn't an option. It just isn't.

I understand that. My parents are divorced. And honestly, I do think it was selfish and immature of them, not to work things out. Of course I wouldn't have wanted them to stay in an unhappy marriage, but sometimes, I think people give up too easily. I am NOT saying that is the case in Jsma's situation







I think she HAS tried. But in general, yes, I think people get divorced sometimes for selfish reasons, and don't worry abotu the kids as much as they should. and when i read the sentiment, i wish m parents had split, rather than stay together," i think it lets the paretns off thehook a little bit.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JavaJunkie* 
Well, my parents never divorced, but I used to pray(literally!) that they would.

ETA: I see that you were basically in the same place as I when younger! Should have read ahead. lol

Like this statement, why not pray that they work things out? I am not trying to be dense. Or are some people operating on the assumption that some marriages are unworkable?


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
I guess I always wonder in these conversations, why not wish they had gotten their acts together and made a happy marriage together? I am not being snarky. I hear that alot, "I wish my parents ahd split up, rather than fighting for 20 years (or whatever)" why not wish they had just grown up and gotten along?

I don't wish it and haven't in a long time (about aged 8) because I came to the understanding that they did try to work through their problems but in the end realized that no matter how much _they_ wanted to get it all worked out it was emotionally and psychologically better for the children to sperate.

Like Storm says, sometimes two happy parents together is not an option. Even now, years and years later they have trouble being in the same room together. Something about the dynamic is busted beyond repair. And believe me, they have tried over the years to at least form some semblance of a friendship.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
Wow.

I absolutely do wish that. However, in my case, there wasn't a lot of getting along. I could wish for anything, but the only real choices were be together and fight or be apart and be happy. Why is that hard to understand?


Because I think there should be more than those two choices. I'm sorry. I know that it definitely takes two to make that happen. And in a lot of cases only one person is trying. But I've also seen a lot where neither person is trying, and yes, I think that is selfish. Esepcially when there are kids involved.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
Like this statement, why not pray that they work things out? I am not trying to be dense. Or are some people operating on the assumption that some marriages are unworkable?

Not everyone believes in God or the power of prayer.


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## JavaJunkie (Jan 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
Like this statement, why not pray that they work things out? I am not trying to be dense. Or are some people operating on the assumption that some marriages are unworkable?

It was pretty obvious that my mom had serious mental issues that contributed to their constant fighting(very inappropriate fighting, dragging us kids into it; fighting about marital issues that the kids should NOT be privy to). Yes, I used to pray that she'd be a normal mother, and that they'd be a normal couple, but I hedged my bets and prayed for a few different outcomes. <halfhearted laugh>


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
I don't wish it and haven't in a long time (about aged 8) because I came to the understanding that they did try to work through their problems but in the end realized that no matter how much _they_ wanted to get it all worked out it was emotionally and psychologically better for the children to sperate.

Like Storm says, sometimes two happy parents together is not an option. Even now, years and years later they have trouble being in the same room together. Something about the dynamic is busted beyond repair. And believe me, they have tried over the years to at least form some semblance of a friendship.

Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JavaJunkie* 
It was pretty obvious that my mom had serious mental issues that contributed to their constant fighting(very inappropriate fighting, dragging us kids into it; fighting about marital issues that the kids should NOT be privy to). Yes, I used to pray that she'd be a normal mother, and that they'd be a normal couple, but I hedged my bets and prayed for a few different outcomes. <halfhearted laugh>


thank you for your honest response. I wonder if tehre are more mentally ill people in the world than we realize.


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## JavaJunkie (Jan 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Not everyone believes in God or the power of prayer.

Very true. I used to. I don't anymore. Well, not like I did as a kid, anyway. My beliefs now are more that the gods give us all strength to deal with things, but not necessarily fix things, kwim?


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Not everyone believes in God or the power of prayer.

I was asking in response to someone who said they 'did' pray.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.

My parents married out of love (actually dad married bio mom and mom both out of love). The first marriage... bio mom went a little nuts, pulled a gun and shot my dad. No way there is gonna be any working _that_ one out. The second time, a series of bad choices on my dad's part resulted in a rapid deterioration of the marriage. They still loved each other when they divorced, they didn't want the divorce, but in the end the damage that had been caused was creating a less stable home then a divorce would. Staying together would have been a selfish choice on their part, and my dad has had a tough time moving on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is sh** happens and sometimes you can clean it up, sometimes you can't.


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## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.

Well said!


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## texmama (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
I guess I always wonder in these conversations, why not wish they had gotten their acts together and made a happy marriage together? I am not being snarky. I hear that alot, "I wish my parents ahd split up, rather than fighting for 20 years (or whatever)" why not wish they had just grown up and gotten along?

Because no matter what one wishes for, the reality is that they got divorced and it would have been nicer for everyone if the 20 years of arguments and constant tension could have been avoided.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.

Yes. I've been there. I was that person. The man I kicked out in 2000, and finally divorced in 2002, wasn't even remotely close to the person I married. Some of that was change. Some of that was some (subtle) missed warning signs. A lot of it was that he was a talented liar and created a persona that appealed to me. But, he kept it up for _years_ - we'd been together 6.5 years when we got married. When we split up, everybody blamed me - everybody. Then, his buddy that he went to live with after the breakup learned a few things. He flat-out apologized for the things he'd said about me, including the line, "I couldn't live with him for a month - I have no idea how you did it for almost 10 years."

We used to get along great. On a purely surface level, we got along right up until the breakup. If I found myself in the same room as him today, we could probably have a fun, animated, and even friendly, conversation about what Iron Maiden and Rush are up to, what books we'd read recently, how old friends are doing, etc. But, all the other stuff - carrying our own weight, ethics, values, etc. - we're not even in the same universe now.

And, I was completely ready to provide a loving, stable home for our offspring...all four of the ones I wanted, as a matter of fact. He, however, wasn't...and claimed he was...and was super uncle to his nephew...and said all the right things...and lit up when I got pregnant...and supported me through labour and post-op from the c-section...and when a diaper needed changing at 2:00 am, he was there. He said and did all the right things...until our son was about two. That's when I found out some of the not right things that had been going on behind my back since ds1 was about six months old. That's also when a lot of the wrong things started coming out of hiding.


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

My parents divorced when I was 4 and my sister was 6. My mom had custody, but shared 50/50 with my dad. They lived just 5 minutes apart in a very small town. My mom remarried when I was 7. My step-dad didn't try to overstep any boundaries, and my relationship with him today is every bit as close as my relationship with my mom and dad.

As my sister and I got older, my dad would often join us for get-togethers at my mom and step-dad's house. Now that my sister and I have kids, my dad comes to my mom's all the time when we're there. The kids also get to go back and forth between they're grandparents' houses, and choose where they're spending the night. It's pretty cool for them.

I'm not saying that my parents' divorce had no effect on me. I had some troubles as a teen, and I'm not sure if the divorce played a role in that or not. I don't really care. I have three parents who love me and their grandchildren. I really like the person I am, and I know that everything that has happened in my life has made me this person.


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## Seasons (Jun 10, 2004)

I grew up with married parents who clearly didn't like each other. I always wished they'd divorce. My mom eventually did divorce my dad, when I was 17, and she says the reason she finally did is because I jeered at her: "you're always complaining about him but don't have the guts to divorce him."

That said, when I look back now I am very very relieved I didn't have to spend time in a home run only by him, or even in one run only by her. Together they were imperfect but created the consistent home life every child deserves.

(I think most folks here know me well enough to know that I am NOT advocating that children are better off with two parents than one - not AT ALL! I just firmly believe, and can give you backup study citations for support, that all children do better with a consistent home and caregiver, not radical changes - like divorce or remarriage.)

My $0.02, FWIW, as the child of divorced parents who is herself a divorced parent. (No radical changes for my child though - I am an entirely, always-solo parent who has always provided a single, stable, loving, consistent home for my child.







)

ETA: I should add that while I don't think I suffered from my parents' divorce, as I was running off to college then and not particularly close to either parent, my then-15yo brother fell into severe alcoholism, drug use, expulsion from school and depression. Then and now (more than 20 years later) he blames my parents' divorce.


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring.

My parents were able to provide *two* loving, stable homes for my sister and myself.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

I regretted my parents _staying together_ (which they did for 'the kids').

Seriously, life was horrible. And once they actually did divorce, there was so much hatred (topped off with my mom meeting a guy at the end and having an affair) that they were unable to be in the same room, let alone handle any parenting issues- literally, they had no contact after the divorce when I was 14.

Now, 13 yrs later, they still haven't talked, minus wishing each other well through me







My dad is moving in with us and my mom, although more ok now than she was when we first told her, is refusing to visit (but will meet us for dinner and such).

I really believe that they would've been able to remain 'friends' if they had split sooner rather than later.

But, this may not be everyone's experience









oh, and FWIW, my dad suffered from manic depression (undiagnosed) during their whole marriage. He is recieving treatment now which has completely changed him- for the better. My mom feels that she settled for too little, too early. She claims that she was never happy, but became pregnant after a few months of dating and was 'forced' to get married due to her [parent's] religion. They tried, but they probably shouldn't have EVER been together


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## HappilyEvrAfter (Apr 1, 2009)

My parents divorce when I was a freshman in high school.

I applaud my dad for "rescuing" me from my mother. I regret that he didn't do it sooner.
My mother has mental health issues that she won't seek continuous treatment for and it was damaging our lives.
I can tell by the state of her life today that I was much better off with one devoted parent rather than two who would always have been teetering on the edge.

But that's just my story...

Quote:

Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?
Yes, people can change that dramatically.
I know there are aspects of my personality that have permanently and drasticly changed over just the last year.
My Jan 2008 self wouldn't identify with my Sep 2009 self.


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

OP - Your DH is not a good father or husband. It would truly be best for your daughter to get out now. Staying together is going to be alot harder for her than if you were a single Mum. She is a baby and already your husband yells at her, that is just going to get worse as she gets older. She is going to see that it is OK for men to be disrespectful towards women and as she gets older she's going to wonder why you're such a 'doormat'. It would truly, truly be better for you to leave. If not for your own emotional health, but for your daugthers. Living with that man is going to give her some serious issues when she grows up.


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## Seasons (Jun 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JSMa* 
Kids always wishing whatever situation they are in was the other way. What does anyone think about that?

I don't think that's true or common. My daughter has said several times that "I'm glad I'm not a switcher and I have the same home every night." (Usually right after a playdate ends early or can't occur because her shared-custody friend - a "switcher," in dd's vernacular - is going to her/his other home.)

Actually I can think of several of dd's friends who say that they wish they had just one home, but I've never heard a kid say she wished she had two. I think kids - including me - sometimes wish their parents were divorced, but don't realize the consequences of, let alone long for, two homes.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I think what most kids really want isn't the "greener grass" of parents splitting up or not splitting up (whichever they didn't do). . . . I really think a lot of kids who wish mom and dad hadn't split up often _*really*_ wish mom and dad hadn't _*had*_ to split up.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Doodlebugsmom* 
My parents were able to provide *two* loving, stable homes for my sister and myself.

And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one? Do you knwo of many adults who have two homes? I think people (kids included) thrive on having a single place where they know they know they are safe. I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.

Full disclosure - my parents are divorced. I hated having two places - especially as i got older. and wanted to do things with my friends on the weekends, but was forced to choose between seeing my friends and seeing my dad. Also, i would have like to see my dad every night, rather than jsut on the weekends.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Seasons said:


> I don't think that's true or common. My daughter has said several times that "I'm glad I'm not a switcher and have the same home every night." (Usually right after a playdate ends early or can't occur because her friend is going to her/his other home.)
> 
> Actually I can think of several of dd's friends who say that they wish they had just one home, but I've never heard a kid say she wished she had two. *I think kids - including me - sometimes wish their parents were divorced, but don't realize the consequences of, let alone long for, two homes.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> This is what i meant. But in some curcumstances, like the ops, i understand that a spit is necessary for safety reasons.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one? Do you knwo of many adults who have two homes? I think people (kids included) thrive on having a single place where they know they know they are safe. I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.

It depends on the people. I don't think I'd like it. My sister probably would have. As for adults...I had a roomie for a couple of years. He lived in about six different places a year before he moved in with us. In between that, and even when he was living with us, he couch-surfed a lot. He was quite happy to go to bed and wake up in a different place every day, or every week, or whatever. It suited him fine. I'd find it hellish, but I'm not everybody, yk?

I've known a few kids - mostly friends of ds1 - who do the two homes thing. A couple of them have a lot of trouble with it (in at least one of those cases, the parents can't agree on _anything_ or resolve conflicts with civility). One of them seemed to like it (don't see her anymore). The others are all in the middle somewhere, as far as I can tell from outside.


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one? Do you knwo of many adults who have two homes? I think people (kids included) thrive on having a single place where they know they know they are safe. I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.

Full disclosure - my parents are divorced. I hated having two places - especially as i got older. and wanted to do things with my friends on the weekends, but was forced to choose between seeing my friends and seeing my dad. Also, i would have like to see my dad every night, rather than jsut on the weekends.

I think the point being, two stable loving homes are better than one unstable, anger-filled home.


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one?

I never said it is. All I mean by that is that it's possible to have two stable homes, one with each parent. Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I had two homes where I felt safe. Once I was old enough to do it myself, I had free range on which home I went to. My dad's house was cencorship free and my mom's house had meals not cooked by me. While my two families were not as intertwined as doodlebugs' are, they were both stable, loving, safe homes and I was always happy to have the two of them.

Now even more so cause I get three christmases now.









One of the definitions of home is a place that offeres security and happiness. By that definition, I as an adult have many homes.


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## HappilyEvrAfter (Apr 1, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I've known a few kids - mostly friends of ds1 - who do the two homes thing. A couple of them have a lot of trouble with it (in at least one of those cases, the parents can't agree on _anything_ or resolve conflicts with civility). One of them seemed to like it (don't see her anymore). The others are all in the middle somewhere, as far as I can tell from outside.

To add to this...my son goes back and forth between his dad and I.
Long story on why the marriage didn't work, but it didn't and this is where we are.

My kid enjoys it. It's like a mini-vacation to him. He says sometimes he's sad for so-and-so cause they don't have two houses. He an extreme extrovert though and he does need a break from introvertism, but, overall, he seems happy this way.
Course, this is the way it's been since he was just two so he wouldn't know any other way.

One house seems stifling to him.









Quote:

Now even more so cause I get three christmases now.
My kiddo would agree with you! he gets two b-day parties each year too.

I'm just glad he's ok with it so far.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Doodlebugsmom* 
I never said it is. All I mean by that is that it's possible to have two stable homes, one with each parent. Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.


I would say that yes, there will always be some instability during a divorce, at least in the beginning, while they're woorking stuff out. Who gets divorced and there is not one issue? If that were the case, then why get divorced?


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Doodlebugsmom* 
Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.

Just because it bares repeating.

Instablility is one thing I never felt in regards to my homes.


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## HappilyEvrAfter (Apr 1, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
I would say that yes, there will always be some instability during a divorce, at least in the beginning, while they're woorking stuff out. Who gets divorced and there is not one issue? If that were the case, then why get divorced?

I believe "issues" are different than "instability".

Trust me, we had our "issues", but I made/make it a point to provide an anchor of stability for my son.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

To answer the ORIGINAL POST--

My parents divorced when I was 9 after many years of fighting. I was hugely relieved when they split--the fights at home were upsetting and there wasn't any happiness in our house. My mom and I were happier on our own. My mom remarried a wonderful man when I was 14. My Dad, who is a very engaging and fun guy, was out of my life for the most part until I graduated from college. He was just not part of the picture. At the time, I blamed him, but now that I am older I can see that my mom had a lot to do with it. Also, now that I am older I can see that my mom has a lot issues that could make for an impossible marriage. So, I don't absolve either of them now of the "blame" for not making it work.

I do wish they had gotten their acts together and made it work, but it took many, many years for my Dad to become a person who could handle responsibilities and I truly don't think he is cut out for fatherhood and marriage. I am also not sure, and my mom agrees, that she is cut out for marriage. She has a lot of anger that gets in the way of enjoying life or allowing any flexibility.

When I was a kid, I thought it all worked out for the best.

In my 30's, I was able to look back and see that the whole unhappy situation (not just the divorce but the bad family dynamic) affected me greatly and led to some damaging behaviors and negativity toward relationships.

In my 40's, with my own family, I think it makes me a better wife. I work really hard to make things work--divorce isn't a magic solution. You are still stuck with that person once you divorce them (if you have a child). Even though my Dad was mostly out of the picture, his lack of support and not showing up was a constant issue in our life. I am lucky to have married someone who is respectful and loving to me and our child. But I waited til I was 35 because I was so unsure of the whole institution.

If I were in an abusive relationship or dealing with someone whose behavior was a danger to me or my child I would still get a divorce in an instant though.


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Just because it bares repeating.

Instablility is one thing I never felt in regards to my homes.

I never did either. My sister and I were very young, and my parents NEVER fought in front of us. General unhappiness was the biggest part of their divorce. I don't know that there were truly ever "fights" between them. Their ideals were just so different. They did very well with not exposing my sister and me to their issues. It was and is obvious that we were the most important thing to both of them, and they made sure we were aware of that.


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## Seasons (Jun 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Doodlebugsmom* 
I never said it is. All I mean by that is that it's possible to have two stable homes, one with each parent. Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.

But they are. The change in family structure alone, even if it is without much conflict, negatively affects kids, especially young kids. We adults may say, "two happy homes are better than one anger-filled home," but for a child

_- a child learning boundaries and security and attachment, a child learning independence step by step from a home base of security, a child who needs regular meals and sleep and some routines and sureness, that is, EVERY child no matter how "adaptable" -_

that very change is traumatic (whether the child then shows it or not). Isn't this common sense, thinking over WHY we all strive to practice ATTACHMENT parenting?

Now, whether a child's trauma of undergoing her parent's divorce is less than trauma of being abused in a home [I have no comment on whether JSMA's child is being abused], or whether a child's possible trauma should always trump an adult's trauma in staying unhappily married, that I can't say.


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Seasons* 
But they are. The change in family structure alone, even if it is without much conflict, negatively affects kids, especially young kids. We adults may say, "two happy homes better than one anger-filled home," but for a child

_- a child learning boundaries and security and attachment, a child learning independence step by step from a home base of security, a child who needs regular meals and sleep, that is, EVERY child no matter how "adaptable" -_

that very change is traumatic. Isn't this common sense, thinking over WHY we all strive to practice ATTACHMENT parenting?

Now, whether a child's trauma of undergoing her parent's divorce is less than trauma of being abused in a home [I have no comment on whether JSMA's child is being abused], or whether a child's possible trauma should always trump an adult's trauma in staying unhappily married, that I can't say.

All I did was post what the OP wanted to know. I grew up with two homes and never have regretted my parents' divorce. I pretty much had the ideal childhood. If people think by having a stable home with both a mommy and daddy is going to give their children a live free of any trauma or feelings of instability, they're wrong. I don't advocate divorce. It would take something very extreme for me to personally get a divorce. I think it can be done gently and with very little (if any) trauma to a child if it needs to happen, though.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Seasons* 
But they are. The change in family structure alone, even if it is without much conflict, negatively affects kids, especially young kids. We adults may say, "two happy homes are better than one anger-filled home," but for a child

_- a child learning boundaries and security and attachment, a child learning independence step by step from a home base of security, a child who needs regular meals and sleep and some routines and sureness, that is, EVERY child no matter how "adaptable" -_

that very change is traumatic (whether the child then shows it or not). Isn't this common sense, thinking over WHY we all strive to practice ATTACHMENT parenting?

Now, whether a child's trauma of undergoing her parent's divorce is less than trauma of being abused in a home [I have no comment on whether JSMA's child is being abused], or whether a child's possible trauma should always trump an adult's trauma in staying unhappily married, that I can't say.

You have just made and excellent argument against:

Single parents marrying
Moving
Having another child
Changing schools
Death in the family
Chronic illness in the family
Changing place of worship
Parent going back to work
Parent becoming a SAHP
And I'm sure many other changes that happen in a childs life too.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Doodlebugsmom* 
I never did either. My sister and I were very young, and my parents NEVER fought in front of us. General unhappiness was the biggest part of their divorce. I don't know that there were truly ever "fights" between them. Their ideals were just so different. They did very well with not exposing my sister and me to their issues. It was and is obvious that we were the most important thing to both of them, and they made sure we were aware of that.


Well, what they call a "good divorce" can happen. My parent's didn't have one though! Bad marriage, bad divorce.

My best friend and I both went through our parents divorces at roughly the same time and our biggest lament (still when we are 40) is that the whole thing just really rocked our sense of security. Even though we both knew our parent's marriages were absolute crap--and even though for both of us, day to day life was much less stressful--we were both left with that feeling that after our families dissolved _anything_ could happen. Money issues and moving houses and new step-parents--there's a lot of change that comes along with divorces.

We all have different experiences, and I think a good divorce is entirely possible. I would strive for that if things ever go bust-up with DH, but it takes two.

I'm not against divorce if you can't work things out, but I also can't argue that the kids get out unscathed.

But I'd say the problem starts with the failing marriage--and that it's just as damaging to live in a house with two people who hate each other as it is to go through your family divorcing. Different, but just as terrible.


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## Seasons (Jun 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
You have just made and excellent argument against:

Single parents marrying
Moving
Having another child
Changing schools
Death in the family
Chronic illness in the family
Changing place of worship
Parent going back to work
Parent becoming a SAHP
And I'm sure many other changes that happen in a childs life too.

No, the studies show that parental divorce and remarriage are uniquely traumatic to kids, while the other changes you mention are short-term and can even teach adapability.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
You have just made and excellent argument against:

Single parents marrying
Moving
Having another child
Changing schools
Death in the family
Chronic illness in the family
Changing place of worship
Parent going back to work
Parent becoming a SAHP
And I'm sure many other changes that happen in a childs life too.


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## HappilyEvrAfter (Apr 1, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Seasons* 
No, the studies show that parental divorce and remarriage are uniquely traumatic to kids, while the other changes you mention are short-term and can even teach adapability.

Do you happen to have any citations for those studies? I would truly like to read them...<void of any snarkism>


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Seasons* 
No, the studies show that parental divorce and remarriage are uniquely traumatic to kids, while the other changes you mention are short-term and can even teach adapability.

I can make out 9 things on that list of... 9 things that are perminent changes.

Last I checked we aren't capable of reviving the dead yet.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Seasons* 
No, the studies show that parental divorce and remarriage are uniquely traumatic to kids, while the other changes you mention are short-term and can even teach adapability.

hmmm... I would think that divorce can also teach adapability, and the 'other changes' don't seem all that temporary (i.e. death in the family..).

And, for the record, I was soooooo *not* traumatized when my parents divorced.. (though I was by them staying together)


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Seasons* 
No, the studies show that parental divorce and remarriage are uniquely traumatic to kids, while the other changes you mention are short-term and can even teach adapability.

How is a death short term and less traumatic than divorce?


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## FondestBianca (May 9, 2008)

My parents divorced when I was around 2 and my brother around 4.
My parents still get along to this day, have only had a hand full of major disagreements since they divorced (and usually kept them away from my brother and I).
Both of my parents remained in our lives after the divorce.

I am soooooooooooo glad they made that decision and didn't wait too long and drag out the misery they both must have been in while married. I like my parents much better apart than together! I think their divorce probably helped them maintain a friendly relationship down the road.

Here is how it worked for us. My mom was clearly better at keeping us healthy, fed proper, clean, and provided us living stability. While my mom earned a much smaller wage she owned her home (same property they lived on while married but different house) and tracked her money much better. My mom had a more even temperment and was easier to talk to about emotional issues and troubles. So 5 days a week my brother and I lived with my mom.

On weekends (up until middle school when we decided for ourselves how to spend our time) my dad would come pick us up and we'd go to his house (several different places over my childhood) until sunday evening when he would bring us home. My dad was great for all the fun stuff. He'd buy us fun stuff, we'd eat junk all day, play like kids should, run around and explore, and he'd do much of it along with us. My dad was always active (despite being an older dad) and while he is a crazy workaholic he always made time to play with us. Taking us on trips in the summer, going to parks, going out to eat (he prefered hitting a mom and pops resturant over cooking), and buying us random, totally unnessesary stuff that we didn't need but sure had fun with. While it's important that both parents play a balanced role I do think we still came out with a fairly well rounded childhood.

It was absolutly key that my parents did whatever they could to remain on a friendly basis. They were definatly not interested in being together or being buddies but, if one had a problem they could still go to the other. When one had trouble the other helped out happily. Even now that my brother and I are grown that has not changed. They still annoy one another from time to time but, understand each others good qualities too. On major holidays my mom always cooks a meal and my dad is always invited. There was a particular dinner in the last 3 years when my brother ended up going to his wife family's house and I ended up going to dh's mom's house but, my mom still made a dinner and her and my dad had it together at my mom's house. My dad even showed up early like usual and fixed some things around my mom's house then stayed awhile after dinner to settle his overstuffed belly and chat.

My mom's house was always home base. Both of my parents understood that and knew it was best. They didn't try to split time and activities perfectly even just for the sake of being even because they knew that wouldn't be the best experience for my brother and I. My mom didn't take us on any trips or extensive outtings because she didn't have the money to but, she wasn't offended at my dad taking us on week long motorhome trips across the state during the summer. When we had problems with friends or in school or were sick we ran straight to my mom but, my dad didn't get his feeling hurt over it. They seemed to understand what one another's best territory was and readily allowed us to regulate our own lives between the two of them.

If my parents had stayed married I probably would have been miserable as child and an adult who was very confused about what a marriage is supposed to be. I'm all for people trying to work things out but, when two people should never have married in the first place it would seem best to find a better way to live when damage control clearly isn't working. Of course I'm glad my parents were married... or I wouldn't be here! But, I'm also fortunate that they divorced when they did. I had a great childhood with few major issues. None of the problems I went through were created or made worse by divorce. Not once did I resent their decision or wish they were together.

Neither remarried and if they dated at any point they did an extremely good job of keeping it away from my brother and I. I didn't know a single thing of it. Things probably would have been much more complicated for my brother and I if they did go on to persue any serious relationships. There may have been some hurt feelings with extra mother or father figures in the picture. MAY have been.. I know some parents make that work well.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
Do you happen to have any citations for those studies? I would truly like to read them...<void of any snarkism>









I need to read them one of these days, too. I've heard them cited many times, but I don't know how many factors are considered and how many aren't, yk? I, personally, would never have divorced my son's father if there'd been any way to make it work, and if he weren't stealing money from our household (directly from my purse a few times) for drugs, etc. The situation was absolutely impossible, and, on those occasions when he had ds1 alone (while I was at work, for example), the level of negligence was absolutely abusive. If kids from backgrounds like that are showing up in studies in a higher proportion of divorced families than non-divorced families, I'm not sure it says a lot about the impact of divorce, yk? People in that kind of situation aren't too likely to stick around _forever_ trying to make it work.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Seasons* 
No, the studies show that parental divorce and remarriage are uniquely traumatic to kids, while the other changes you mention are short-term and can even teach adapability.

I happen to know someone who moved from one state to another during middle school. That person is in his 30s, and still looks back on that move with negative feelings, because it changed so many parts of his life for the worse. I, at 41, still remember how much I hated starting a new school at the beginning of 4th grade...and how much starting high school mucked up my life. So...yeah...


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## texmama (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FondestBianca* 
It was absolutly key that my parents did whatever they could to remain on a friendly basis. They were definatly not interested in being together or being buddies but, if one had a problem they could still go to the other.

I think you are absolutely right. I think the reason my parents divorce was not traumatic for me was because they agreed to continue to be parents, even if they weren't husband and wife - any major decisions were agreed upon, both stayed in the same town, and they above all were civil to each other.


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## Seasons (Jun 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Seasons*
No, the studies show that parental divorce and remarriage are uniquely traumatic to kids, while the other changes you mention are short-term and can even teach adapability.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *HappilyEvrAfter* 
Do you happen to have any citations for those studies? I would truly like to read them...<void of any snarkism>









Here's one released last month: http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/familystability.htm

_"Our results suggest that the key for many children is growing up in a stable household, where they don't go through divorce or other changes in the family - whether that is in a single-parent home or a married home."_

Also,

_"Based on this study, we can't say for sure that marriage will be a good thing for the children of single mothers - particularly if that marriage is unhealthy and does not last."_


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## sprouthead (Jul 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
I guess I always wonder in these conversations, why not wish they had gotten their acts together and made a happy marriage together? I am not being snarky. I hear that alot, "I wish my parents ahd split up, rather than fighting for 20 years (or whatever)" why not wish they had just grown up and gotten along?

when people say they wish their parents had split up earlier, it's probably because things got better once it happened so they're wishing that things had gotten better sooner. When someone's in an unhappy home for 20 years (or whatever), I'm sure they're wishing all along that their parents would be able to get along, but a childhood is a long time and if they can't make it work then, maybe they feel it's unrealistic to keep wishing that they could work it out. Not trying to put words in anyone's mouth, but I'm sure as much as we all want everyone to get along, some people may just not want to keep trying to fit their family in a mold that's just not working for them..


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Seasons* 
Here's one released last month: http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/familystability.htm

_"Our results suggest that the key for many children is growing up in a stable household, where they don't go through divorce or other changes in the family - whether that is in a single-parent home or a married home."_

Also,

_"Based on this study, we can't say for sure that marriage will be a good thing for the children of single mothers - particularly if that marriage is unhealthy and does not last."_

That's interesting. I may try to find the whole study. There are still a million things unaccounted for, of course. I also think these measures are far too narrow.

I had not-great marks in high school (everything from A+ in subjects I liked, to Fs in subjects that I didn't...or where the teacher was boring). I definitely had behavioural issues (pot use, drinking, fighting, mouthing off staff, etc.). According to that study's criteria, my home life was stable - but it wasn't. According to that study's criteria, ds1's home life isn't/wasn't stable (as I've divorced and remarried), but he has no behavioural issues (unless we're counting a pronounced desire to stay on the couch and sleep all summer), and gets very good marks and is involved in extracurriculars (something I wouldn't have touched with a 10 foot pole), etc. That's a very small study size - two people! - but I've always found these studies so contrary to what I see around me that it's hard to take them seriously.

I also think "single by choice" vs. "single as a result of divorce" can be pretty restrictive. What about a couple that splits up when the child is an infant vs. a couple who splits up when she gets pregnant? In one case, it _could_ be said that she's single by choice, but there's really not much practical difference _for the child_.

I find myself a little suspicious of studies about most societal issues, including this one. There are just soooo many factors involved that I have my doubts about how effectively they can isolate what they're looking at.


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## Mandynee22 (Nov 20, 2006)

My parents were divorced when I was like 3.
I never had wild fantasies about them getting back together, either.
They got along really well and never talked trash about eachother, I never heard them fighting or anything.
The part I didn't like was my step father. He was kind of a jerk (like trying to act like my dad when IMO he should have butted out). They're still married and we get along much better now- because I live in MA and they're in FL LMAO


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## beesknees (Apr 11, 2008)

Skimmed most of the replies...agree with some of what has been said. From my experience with parents who divorced when I was eight years old, yes the divorce was traumatic, but we adapted (three siblings + me) but just as we were getting adjusted both parents re-married extreme opposites. Our living situation was every other year, every other weekend, every other holiday (all in the same town-to provide stability







) What was even harder was to see my parents put all this effort into second marriages with people we had horrible clashes with because they couldn't bear another divorce. Well that is the simple, condensed version. I would say based on my experiences and those of many friends, yes divorce is traumatic, but you can recover, it is the dynamics of future partners and remarriages which really impacts and can give the lingering issues which is always then attributed to the divorce. (note the possibility, not inevitability of a negative outcome) I would say the most important constant for children is to feel loved and important and with that they are pretty resilient.


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## marisa724 (Oct 31, 2003)

Since I was effectively "called out" on page 1 I thought I'd come back and answer why I'd said I wished they'd have gotten their act together and split up sooner (rather than getting their act together and stay together).

I wish my dad would've gotten his act together and gotten into recovery sooner. Being sober did make a positive impact on the amount of time he wanted to spend with his kids, for example.

I wish my mom would've gotten her act together and seen that recovery wasn't the answer for a narcissistic personality, that even sober my dad still was unkind and downright creepy.

I wish that my mom didn't have to go through years of futility and cruelty. I wish I hadn't seen any of it.

I won't say any more than that, I've already aired enough of my parents' dirty laundry online.

For those who commented that their parents were grownups and managed to stay together, that's totally awesome for them and for you. You do realize that you had nothing to do with that, right?


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

my parents divorced when i was in 3rd or 4th grade. it was very very traumatic for me. i actually don't remember much before the divorce, but have lots of (mostly bad) memories after.

the hardest part was the custody arrangement. they both wanted us so they decided we'd go back and forth weekly. they only lived a couple of miles apart so this worked out great. except i HATED it. hated every single second of it. i would call my mom crying, begging her to not make us stay with him, but she wouldn't. he was not abusive but he was just miserable, and miserable to be around, and very very grouchy. and i did not feel loved or safe at all with him. my mom, on the other hand, i loved. i still don't know why she made us stay with him.

do i regret their divorce? i don't know. for a long long time, i did, intensely. i pretty much hated my childhood, but i think it was my dad more than the divorce. if they'd divorced, but i'd lived with my mom only (or a lot more than 50%) i think it would have been much better.

i really have no idea how my mother ever thought she loved my father. they are so totally different. i guess there is a big part of me that has always felt like she chose him and chose to have children with him, so she owed it to us to stay with him. now that i am older though, i can see how miserable it would have been to stay with him, and that it probably wouldn't have been great for any of us if she had.

i think there is more i wanted to say, but my 2yo is screaming for me, so i'll have to end here.


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## jeteaa (Jan 23, 2007)

my parents divorced when I was in elementary. I thought and still do that both of them are toxic and when together, they were more toxic. So I do not regret their divorce.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beesknees* 
Skimmed most of the replies...agree with some of what has been said. From my experience with parents who divorced when I was eight years old, yes the divorce was traumatic, but we adapted (three siblings + me) but just as we were getting adjusted both parents re-married extreme opposites. Our living situation was every other year, every other weekend, every other holiday (all in the same town-to provide stability







) What was even harder was to see my parents put all this effort into second marriages with people we had horrible clashes with...

Now, I don't get this at all. I have a good friend who has a stepdad that she's never been able to get along with. I've known her since we were kids, when the guy was living with them, but they weren't married yet. He was sooo nasty to her (a lot of it just in a totally clueless about kids way, but far from all of it). Her mom blew off everything she ever said about the guy, and went ahead and married him. My friend grew up in a really toxic environment with this guy who just didn't give a crap about her..._and_ she felt that her mom didn't, either, because why would she make my friend live with this guy??

When dh moved in with me (long distance relationship for a year), ds1 had met him multiple times, and really enjoyed his company. DH felt that if we were going to be a family, it was important that they got along. In dh's opinion, that meant being a loving person, and _also_ meant doing things...volunteering as a Cub Scout leader in ds1's troop, helping him with homework, etc. I wouldn't even have considered having him move in if he and ds1 didn't get along, and I would never, ever have married him. That's just not a fair thing to do to a kid, imo.


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## MissyCham (Dec 24, 2002)

I think kids grow up at some point (10,11, 12 years old) and realize that 'hoping their parents will work it out and just be happy' is as likely as leprachauns and unicorns taking residence in their front yard.

If you've lived with dysfunction, alcoholism, violence, etc you get smart quick and can see the faults of your parents and that nothing is going to change the situation into a Brady Bunch scenario.

I wanted my parents to divorce badly, but I was also very afraid of having to live with my mother as is usually the case. I toughed it out and went as far away as I could to college. Of course our family is a big strained mess still. I myself have changed alot (for the better) by putting distance between us.

Divorced families may not be the ideal, but real life is not fairy tale and it can be the better option.


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## mamachelle (Jul 24, 2009)

My parents divorced when I was 5 and my sister was 3. They never said anything negative about each other so until I was about 13 or so I actually thought they were friends. So their divorce was not a traumatic experience for me. On the other hand, one of the hardest things I faced after the age of 8 was living with a step-dad that I just absolutely did not want around. He was negative, he and my mom fought, and it was obvious to my sister and I that he would have preferred we weren't there. My mom married him thinking we would get along great, because honestly until we were all living together he was so much fun and never tried to be in control. As soon as they got married he completely changed they way he acted around us and was constantly criticizing us. My sister and I both really lashed out against my mom and stepdad and were not comfortable at home. My dad also remarried, and my stepmom turned out to be completely and literally insane. And you know what? You couldn't tell for a while. As long as she was getting what she wanted (in this case a husband with a good job) she was so sweet and easy-going. Then she just sort of transformed into a horrible beast, like in all the disney movies. Seriously.
So yeah, I did not regret their divorce (my dad is undiagnosed manic depressive and an alcoholic and I'm certain they could not have stayed together), I absolutely regretted their remarriages for a long time. Now that I don't live with my mom I can get along with my stepdad and my dad eventually divorced my stepmom, so I don't have to deal with the same issues now. But it was hell for a long time.
An I do think people can change dramatically. I knew when DH and I got married at 19 that the hardest thing we were going to face was that we would both inevitably change as we got older, and you can
t always predict how people will change. For example, religion. We had very uncertain feelings about it (didn't think about it too much) when we got married, but when I became pregnant with DD it felt like we both started thinking about it alot (I guess because it seemed like we should?) but luckily we ended up reaching similar conclusions. What if I had decided to become Catholic and DH decided he was an athiest? Could have been hell. And I'm sure we will face many more things like this, because people are constantly changing and growing, and you can't always predict what path you (or your partner) will take.
I do think some people don't try hard enough to work things out, and DH feels this is the case with his parents. But we can never know unless we are in those people's shoes, so I try not to think like that.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I have removed several posts from this thread. The first post was because it did not contribute to a comfortable and respectful atmosphere. The remaining posts were removed because they were quoting or responding to the UAV. Now, back to your scheduled program!


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

My parents divorced when I was five and my brother was three. I don't remember ever being concerned about it. My dad stopped seeing us when I was in third grade but he wasn't that nice so it really didn't bother me. We saw him so rarely anyways before he stopped coming around. Now that I am older and my mom has told me about her first marriage I think it was definitely the right thing for her to do.


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

I have not read any replies. I wanted to post my gut reaction to the question.

My parents separated when I was 9 I guess it was (they never married). Thank GOODNESS! My father was physically and mentally abusive toward my mother. I lived in terror and I thank God every day she got brave enough to do it.

But I HATED it every day after up until this very day.

Part of this is because of the person he was and still is. Any man who is abusive toward his partner is... well.. you know.

But really the real issue was that I resented being pulled away from my own life once or twice a week to see him. I missed my room and my bed and my routine. As I got older I was put in this terrible place of going to see him or go to things like birthday parties or sleep overs.

There were other issues too. But the resentment of having pieces of childhood interrupted... stolen really... because of choices made by those who were older and "wiser" and that I had no control over. It still makes me mad! What 12 year old should have to choose between going to her father's and going to a friend's house, participating in an extra curricular activity, taking a baby sitting job, etc? If they had had a different relationship I could have had a normal childhood. Instead, I had to sacrifice for them. Really, why?

So... today... I'm married. Have been for 8 years. I have two kids with a third on the way. I married a man who is as insanely OPPOSITE of my father as could possibly exist. My dad knows it too. He's complimented me for making wiser choices. Come heck or high water I will NEVER get a divorce. Ok, never say never. There are deal breakers (abuse). But really, I will do EVERYTHING I can ever ever ever think of to keep my marriage strong and healthy. I don't want my kids to grow up the way I did. They deserve so much more than I ever got.

Separation was the single best thing my parents ever did. And while I absolutely HATE that I had to grow up in a split home. It had to be done. My life would have only been INSANELY worse any other way. But I will draw from that, learn from it, and make my life for my children different. They deserve nothing less than me giving EVERY LAST OUNCE OF SOUL I HAVE to keeping a loving and peaceful marriage with their father.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I think an important distinguishing factor is whether or not the parents live in the same city. If kids can easily arrange to see the same friends at either house, that's easier.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

My parents separated when I was 3, divorced when I was 5. It really was the best possible thing they could have done, both for them and for us. We all lived in the same town for most of my childhood, and my dad lived right across the street from my school, so we saw them often. The best of times was when they could be amicable about our upbringing, schooling, etc. It was awkward when they fought, but I suspect it would have been even worse had they been living together and fighting constantly. Oh, it was also awkward and confusing when they occasionally slept together. I wouldn't recommend that.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.

not necessarily true.

IF... and only if...

the children's opinion is taken into account.

my friend's parents lived a block from each other.

the kids would go in and out of the house as they pleased. who to spend the night with.

both parents were truly commited to making it work for the children. so they were able to put their differences aside when the kids were young to spend ocasssional time together - going out for a movie or dinner where they were civil to each other.

so yes it can happen. it can be done.

my friend and her siblings grew up not wishing they hadnt divorced. in fact they liked the two houses for the opportunities it gave the kids to get their own way. they were happy how things were.

which is all the more reason to have a v. amicable divorce. which is usually not the norm.

i know so much is because she did the same thing herself. and in her case as with mine - the husband was done in a relationship. they tried the relationship but after 5 and 8 years they couldnt go on that way anymore. a relationship was too much work and they didnt want to do it anymore. it wasnt the wives. it was them. they were done. to date 6 years later neither my ex or her ex are in a committed relationship.


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## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
and when i read the sentiment, i wish my parents had split, rather than stay together," i think it lets the paretns off the hook a little bit.

i'm the opposite. i think that all the "staying together for the kids," and modeling a completely dysfunctional relationship for your children lets WAY too many parents excuse the damage that can be done to children growing up in an unhappy home.

my parents finally divorced when my brother was 18 and i wish they had done it long long before. mostly because my dad became severely depressed and drank himself into the hospital and now suffers from permanent brain and nerve damage. requiring my brother and i to take care of him for the rest of his life.

at least if he had done it sooner the burden for care wouldn't be on us.

i also learned some pretty HORRIBLE lessons on what a relationship should look like. those lessons have taken a long time, some very nasty relationships, and some therapy to overcome.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Dh's parents divorced when he was 8 or 9 (I think). While he understood that they just couldn't work things out, he's said that he felt abandoned by both parties. It got worse for him when his mom got a new boyfriend and was spending lots of time with him and dh (as a preteen and teen) was often home alone while she was with New Guy.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

DO I have regret for my parents getting divorced? Uh no. The only people who should have regrets are my _parents_. It was them who couldn't get along and deal with life together, it had nothing to do with me and at the same time _everything_ to do with me.

They were supposed to have joint custody, but my stepmom made that extremely difficult to even accomplish, and by the time I was like 16(they separated when I was almost 11) I didn't even want to go to my dad's house. The saddest thing, I was daddy's little girl my whole life, then my stepmom came into the pic, they got pg, had twin girls and I was like the old kid just kicked out of the pic. It SUCKED. I hated my life. Then there was my mom, who does love and did take care of me, but my mom has her own issues. She doesn't really know how to be a good mom in some ways, her mom is awful and self absorbed and my mom does carry some of that same baggage. I was in some ways a pretty neglected teen who did what ever the heck I wanted and then they wondered why when she tried to parent me I rebelled so badly. There was very little structure in my teen years. I was left home ALONE a lot, actually much of my life I was alone after school a lot.

It took me meeting my DH at age 19 and not having a real relationship with my dad for years. My stepmom seeing my little sisters friend's parents go through a divorce at the same age and our having a baby to finally heal our relationship. If _anyone_ had told me that I would have the relationship that I do now with them 15 years ago I would have laughed my butt off, it would have been the most unrealistic thing I'd ever heard. If someone told me I'd actually like my stepmom, I would have told them they were a total liar. Truth be told though, I do like her and I love my dad again. I have a great relationship with my sisters.

My only regret I guess I wish that my mom and dad had gotten divorced when I was younger-I think it is really hard on an adolescent who already has pre-teen issues, that whole age is just pretty awful.


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## Phoenix~Mama (Dec 24, 2007)

Thank you all so much for sharing!









It seems a lot of people hated the bouncing around from houses... but I don't see anyway around that one.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *PlayaMama* 
i'm the opposite. i think that all the "staying together for the kids," and modeling a completely dysfunctional relationship for your children lets WAY too many parents excuse the damage that can be done to children growing up in an unhappy home.

my parents finally divorced when my brother was 18 and i wish they had done it long long before. mostly because my dad became severely depressed and drank himself into the hospital and now suffers from permanent brain and nerve damage. requiring my brother and i to take care of him for the rest of his life.

at least if he had done it sooner the burden for care wouldn't be on us.

i also learned some pretty HORRIBLE lessons on what a relationship should look like. those lessons have taken a long time, some very nasty relationships, and some therapy to overcome.

This sums up my gut feelings a lot because I grew up in a dysfunctional home where my Mom stayed with my Dad because of us kids... and still stays with him because she has vested too much time in to just walk away and she doesn't want to be alone...

I now know, this is why I suck at picking relationships... and my Mom still downplays how their marriage and fights and chaor affected me and keeps telling me to "grow up and leave childhood things in the past." Forget that the "childhood" has emotionally screwed me up...









I guess, damned if I do and damned if I don't... I know my DD won't have two stable homes if I leave... my H can't figure out responsibility to save his life it seems.

Thank you all for the insight though... I do appreciate the feedback.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

I have experience with two divorces.

The first was bio dad and mom. It was a giant, complete and total relief when he left. Its not that he was awful. He was not abusive just completely disenaged, selfish and not interested in being a husband or father. Money issues created a huge amount of stress in the household.

No jumping household issues because he was more concerned about doing his thing than visitation.

She kicked him out, we lived better mentally and physically, on my mom's income alone than when they were married. I often think about this when I see posts about not being able to financially do it as a single parent.

Fast forward, Mom remarries and step-dad becomes my true Dad in every way. They divorced when I was well into my 30s and it was so awful in so many ways. It destroyed our family. It was like a death.

There is plenty of blame to go around but the biggest issue for me is my mom could have enacted positive change years ago but choose to "not rock the boat" because it was easier for her.

She sees herself, 100%, as the victim. I don't. Sometimes I have don't have a lot of respect for her and I struggle with that.


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## peachsara (Jun 10, 2009)

My parents seperated when I was 4 and divorced when I was 5. My father was mentally and physically abusive to my mother and brother.

While I absolutely hated my childhood and the going back and forth, it would have been much, much worse if my mother had not divorced him. If my father was a better man, it wouldn't have been so bad. But, then they wouldn't have divorced.









In the end, I think you have to be somewhat happy to be a good mom to the LOs, yk?


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
and when i read the sentiment, i wish m parents had split, rather than stay together," i think it lets the parents off the hook a little bit.

Are children responsible for keeping their parents on the hook? I don't think so.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

My dh's parents divorced when he was 14. They really put him in the middle. As in, his mother saying, "Ask your dad for the support check when you go over there."
That was hard on him. Oh, and the fact that he met his dad's new girlfriend (now wife) for the first time when he went on a Christmas vacation with his dad to Mexico. It was SUPPOSED to be just him and his dad. But this "strange" woman AND her kids showed up, too. That was stressful for him because he hadn't met her/them before.


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## ell (Jan 3, 2009)

My parents divorcedn when I was 17. Divorcing earlier would have made little to no difference; they were both emotional cripples before and after it took place. The divorce itself truly showed me some things about my parents, such as how they put themselves as individuals first when it came to many things, which was pretty destructive to our emotional health as kids and as adults. It was also a royal pain in the ass after they divorced since it meant schlepping between homes, especially at Christmas. I hated Christmas for many years because of that.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Haven't read the replies . . .

My parents separated when I was about 4, but didn't get legally divorced until I was more like 9 or 10. They tried the groovy co-habitating thing for awhile but it didn't work out.

I had a total nightmare experience, but it wasn't because my parents were divorced or because I lived in two separate houses. It was because they turned the divorce into a neverending nightmare. Not speaking to each other, talking badly about each other, court battles that never ended, putting us in the middle, etc. etc. Every way they could screw up a divorce, they did. They were in and out of court for, I am not kidding, over 20 years, over nothing more than trying to make the other one's life miserable. (Well, this was really more my dad's agenda than my mom's but she had her own screw ups). Duplicate holidays, duplicate birthdays, guilt guilt guilt. They weren't in the same room together until the rehearsal dinner for my wedding when I was 26, and at my wedding my dad refused to take a family portrait if my mom was in it. It tainted not only my entire childhood but my young adulthood as well.

I can't describe how much it sucked. If they had simply gotten divorced, and been civil, everything would have been fine. So, there is getting divorced, and then there is HOW you get divorced, and it's a world of difference.


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## To-Fu (May 23, 2007)

My actual biological parents' divorce was great. I was sad at first, but it happened when I was just 4, so I got used to having two separate homes pretty fast. It made it easier that they lived in the same town, too. But they got along great, which was the most important thing. That really determined how everything was going to go.

I only wish my parents had divorced their subsequent spouses as soon and as cleanly!


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I'm so glad my mom left my dad. She was able to get herself together. He never did. We had one home, with my mom, while my dad floated around in his own cloud of self-pity and abuse. Too bad for him! They didn't get along but my mom let him have his own relationship with us and never spoke badly of him until much later, when he got into harder drugs when we were in our teens. She wanted to warn us in case he asked for support, that he was an addict.


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

So glad my parents divorced - they separated when I was 4 and the divorce took a long time to complete. It would have been hell to grow up in a house with my parents together. Our lifestyle took a huge dive, but it was well worth it. I am certain my happiness, and my brother's, played no part in their decision to stay together or split. I hated going between two houses, even though we only saw our dad every other weekend. But, it was better than all living together.


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
I think an important distinguishing factor is whether or not the parents live in the same city. If kids can easily arrange to see the same friends at either house, that's easier.


No, not necessarily. My parents lived within a couple of miles of each other most of the time I was growing up. But my father's house what not a house to bring friends to. Even if I wanted to (and I would have rather died) he wouldn't have allowed it.

On top of that, dad's time was supposed to be time WITH HIM! Not time with my friends. And since it was HIS time activities had to be scheduled around it. The thought being he saw me so little (three days a week at one point- Tuesday into Wednesday and every weekend) that it could not be interrupted by other things.

So for me, an important distinguishing factor is not just that parents are close, but that the children are able to have a childhood and all their free time isn't used up visiting either parent.


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## HappiMomof4 (Nov 8, 2007)

All I can say is be honest with yourself and your child. I too had a mom who never spoke a bad thing about my dad. Dad was a mean, suspicious man but as it turned out, dear old mom was torturing him while she was trying to decide what she wanted. She thought my dad's family had money. They dated for a few months and after a night of heavy drinking she told him HE PROPOSED to her and then insisted they go shopping for a ring. Yes, the family owned their own business but there was no big money. When the truth came out, she wasn't too happy but Dad worked really hard to help her keep up with the Joneses but when an old flame (a wealthy old flame) came back into the picture, dear old dad was useless to her. She was the picture perfect mom to us, the victim, etc. Dad was desperate, he would have done anything just to keep our family together. At one point, she asked him to buy "us" a new home in an affluent town but the kicker was he would have to live in the basement. He almost went for it just so he could be with me and my brothers. She was clever, she let us 'hear' certain arguments, witness certain behaviors and of course, as children and young adults we took her side, we thought he was a maniac and for years I didn't speak to him because of it. Long story short, her 'rich' new husband turned out to be a cheat and they divorced after a year. I lost many, many years with my father because I was manipulated into thinking he was something he wasn't. I will never get those years back and I will never be able to undo the hurt I inflicted on him by making him pay for mistreating my mother. My dad is a good person, yes he has his shortcomings just like anyone else but he was hurting and fearful when my mother was trying to decide whether she wanted money or a family so of course his actions seemed extreme. I don't think I will ever forgive her for not only removing my father from my home but then letting us believe for a long, long time that he was a selfish, controlling, sneaky man. To think he was willing to spend the rest of his life with HER
R just so he could be with his children is an act of selflessness in itself. Am I glad they divorced? No but I can't even imagine what kind of life we would have had because of who she was. At least I know my father loved me.....I think my mom only cared about herself.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaCrystal* 

So for me, an important distinguishing factor is not just that parents are close, but that the children are able to have a childhood and all their free time isn't used up visiting either parent.

Yeah, that's kind of what I meant, too.


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## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

I didn't exactly grow up in two homes. My parents split when I was in high school. But we hoped they would sooner. See we, my mom, 7 siblings and I, grew up in a house where we were constantly in fear of the next manhandling session. So it would have been nicer for my dad to get out of the house earlier rather than later. Sure there were some issues for my younger siblings once the two house thign happened, but it's far different and better than living in a constant state of fear.


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## mamachelle (Jul 24, 2009)

deleted sorry


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *journeymom*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I think parents should always be on the hook. A kid doesn't ask to be born. And my friends who grew up between houses are all divorced now in their adult lives. It's pretty tragic.


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

I regret my parent's divorce. It made our lives harder, not easier. Still does. I have several friends who are getting a divorce right now, and I feel bad for their children. I keep it to myself though...


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## Attached2Elijah (Jun 27, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Phoenix~Mama*
> 
> Hi... I was hoping to hear from adults that grew up with two homes, meaning their parents divorced sometime in their childhood. Did you regret their divorce? Or did you think it was probably the best thing they did? When you became old enough to understand, did you appreciate your parents thinking about your happiness?
> 
> ...


I don't remember my parents being married. My Dad cheated on my mother while she was pregnant with me, talked her into mortgaging the home SHE owned free and clear (given to her by grandparents), took the money and took off, filed for divorce and married my step-mother before I was 6 months old. I didn't know ANY of this growing up though... I just found out within the last 4 years. That being said, No, I never wished that they would have stayed together. Maybe because I never "knew" them together but never once have I been able to picture my father and mother together. They are COMPLETE and utter opposites. I can not imagine them EVER getting along, certainly not 10 years and enough to make 2 children but apparently, they did. I'm sure they did the best thing because their lives are now in complete opposites of each other. I don't think they EVER could have been happy together. From what I have heard, it was a constant argument with him picking on her for every choice she made and her loathing him for every choice he made.

I actually had it pretty easy growing up. Despite their hate for one another, they co-parented pretty decently. I always knew my mom disliked him strongly but she always stood up for him when I was upset with him. She always encouraged us to have a relationship with him and she always kept her dislike under wraps. As I got older and learned more about the man my father was, I formed my own opinions. My Mom had very little to do with those opinions. I never minded living in 2 homes... I actually liked it because of 2 of EVERY holiday and birthdays!


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Phoenix~Mama*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I'm SO GLAD you aren't asking about how your children are going to feel!!! I'm amazed by how well you're doing!!!! BIG huge HUGS. Oh, and give your babies some extra kisses for me tonight!!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I was a newborn when my parents split for the first time (six weeks old) and hated that I was the weird kid in school, hated that we were poor and dirty. But I never really had a since of what it would be like if my parents were together. I knew I wouldn't be an automatic out cast and knew we would have more money. But what I hated most of all was visiting my dad. When I had a school break or something I wanted to hang out with my friends and have fun. Not be shipped to a strange place with no friends, no church, no fun. It made me really resent my dad. and here he thought he was creating great bonding experiences for us. but he was so busy being entitled to my time that he didn't notice how much he was hurting my social life (which was fragile at best) and making me resent him for stealing what little free time I had.


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## RaeDyCo (Jul 21, 2010)

My parents divorced when I was 3 so really my only memory is of them being apart. My dad remarried when I was 6 and my mum when I was 16. I was very fortunate that my step-mum and step-dad are amazing people and are much better suited for my parents. I cannot even imagine why mum and dad got married when I saw who they became as adults & parents. However, they were married very young (mum was 18, had her first kid by 20) and still had a lot of growing up to do.

I never regretted my parents divorce. I am so thankful they made the adult decision to be happy apart rather than miserable together.

I also think it really shaped how I entered relationships. I didn't settle for someone who made me unhappy, I knew I was worthy of happiness and love.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


> I think parents should always be on the hook. A kid doesn't ask to be born. And my friends who grew up between houses are all divorced now in their adult lives. It's pretty tragic.


You know... I think about this often. But my mom's parents were married happily until the death of my grandfather when they were old. And ALL her brothers and sisters were divorced at least once, several of them, several times! They all said it was because they couldn't replicate their parents' natural ease with one another.

And I guess when I think, would I rather have my kids divorced or in a marriage like mine? It would be divorced, for sure. A million times over. Yes, I'm a child of divorce and I thought I'd never get divorced. That was partly because I had *no clue* what marriage looked like, and how to solve problems in marriage. I thought you could just discuss it and it would be resolved. Or that both partners would be equally committed to staying together, and willing to make sacrifices and changes. That you could find room in the middle. But usually divorce happens because one party just cannot compromise. And it might be you: you don't know your limits until you hit them. I had never said no as much as I have in this marriage, and it's sickening. If only I'd do what he wanted when he asked, it would all be fine! But I can't. Or if only he would stop asking and form realistic boundaries.  If only I didn't mind the yelling, if I could just accept it. Or if only he could stop. But we really cannot change.

It never occurred to me that I could make such a poor choice of a spouse!

Unless you have great taste in a partner and know how to choose someone that will respect you and continue to act like a decent person (apparently I don't), there's really no point even trying. Because eventually you are going to get sick of getting sh*t upon and leave. Either your partner is a decent human being, or s/he is not and you can't change that, and no amount of counseling or trying or "sticking it out" is going to change that.

Of course, young people will never believe this, so there's no point telling them!

But I sincerely think I'd rather live in a house with one happy person than two miserable people.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

My parents split when I was 15 an my brother was 17. It was *not* a surprise - they'd fought off and on and talked seriously about divorce at least twice before but somehow or other worked it out. But anyhow. The thing that was awful (and for which I still, 11 yrs later, resent and hate my mother for) was that she (my mother) did not think twice about what I would like, or my feelings. Her whole entire world became making my dad miserable. As such, I only got to see him every other weekend for two years (till I got the guts up to move in w/ him when I was 17), and whenever she was home she did nothing but mope and groan around the house talking to her 'friends' about how nasty, mean and evil my dad was and how she had done *EVERYTHING* right and he had done *EVERYTHING* wrong in their marriage and he was just evil and blah, blah, blah. I even asked her once or twice 'you always told us it takes two to tango - two people to fight. So why is this different" - to which she had no response besides "it just is!" So, don't do that. Don't focus all your efforst on making your former spouse miserable and taking out much of your anger at him/her on your child (perhaps even w/o really meaning to). Just don't. 11 yrs later, and I'm still pissed at my mom for what my life was like for those 2 yrs, and the following year when I lived w/ dad but still had to see her occasionally while she lived in our house. She made my life a living hell for 2yrs. And has no regrets for it. From what I've heard, keeping my dad from being happy is still a continued goal of hers. So yeah.


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

I'm not sure if I resent the divorce or not. My Dad's recent death brought up a bunch of weird feelings. (like resenting my Mom for not trying harder to make it work)

What I definitely resent, is the psychotic biatch my Dad married. She is mean and evil. She really (even still) has affected me and brother.


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## Ravensong13 (Sep 28, 2009)

My parents divorced when I was eight. I can now say, at 25, that I do think it was for the best. What I still have issues with, is the way they both handled it. My mother got remarried a year after her and my father split, and had my younger brother the following year. I still remember being in my bed one night, very sad and crying because I missed my dad and my mother coming in and yelling at me to just stop crying. I don't feel like she was very concerned about how I felt, unless I was directing anger at my father. Right around the time my mom got pregnant with my little brother, my dad moved to India for his job. I was not allowed to visit him. He quickly got remarried to a woman who had a daughter a few years younger than me. That stung really bad. He had made a promise to me, that no matter what, he would never move away. I am still waiting for him to come home, or I should say the little girl inside me is. I know now that he never will. I got very sick when I was 11 and my mother told me she wrote my dad begging him to come back home and he refused. I think that was a lie. She told me he had had many affairs and was a horrible liar. He says she lied and had an affair with my step-father when they first separated and he was trying to reconcile. I don't know if I can believe that either. There was emotional abuse on her part, and a lot of broken promises on his. He keeps telling me to not move out of state because he's trying to get transferred back. I worked up the courage to tell him I wasn't going to put my life on hold, waiting for him to 'come home' anymore.

I'm now trying to do my best for my dd while she is going through the visitation issues with her dad and I. I am VERY glad she won't have any memories of when her father and I were together and that she has a FANTASTIC step-daddy in my dh. I've told myself that no matter how many issues I have with her dad that I won't tell her what really happened until she is a full grown adult and stable and only if she asks me. It was like a second divorce all over again when my mom decided to 'tell me the truth about my father' when I was 21. Ugh, I can't write anymore, this is making me too sad


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## montlake (Mar 13, 2008)

My parents split when I was in the 1st Grade. I never wished they stayed together, and at the same time I never felt "relief" that they split. It was what it was. I was not traumatized by it. I had just as much routine and stability after the divorce as I did before. I always knew where I was sleeping.

I am all for trying to work it out and staying together while you work on it. But if you can't/won't work things out, I absolutely do not agree with "Staying Together For The Kids". It robs everyone involved of pursuing and experiencing a truly happy life. And yes, I 100% believe many marriage are "unworkable".


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## MJoKirk (Aug 1, 2007)

I did not read this whole thread, at all. I just wanted to add my situation to tell you how extremely positive it was for me. I was young enough that I do not remember my parents ever being together, and I am so so so SO SO SO SO so glad that they did it the way they did. They realized they could not make it work in time to not cause me to have to deal with them fighting or ending up with a divorce I would remember. I loved visiting my dad on the weekends, etc. It was just the way my life was, and it was good. I had a good childhood, and I thank my parents regularly (with whom I have good relationships, on both sides) for being adult enough to make that decision.


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## gracemamma (Oct 11, 2009)

My parents divorced when I was six. I remember them being happy and that was a great golden time but they were unhappy for awhile before separating and there was lots of yelling and anger. When people asked me at the time how I felt about the divoorce,I said it was a good thing so they would stop yelling at each other. My sis and I spent Sat evening to Th morning at Mom's and The post school to Sat with Dad. The 2 homes had pros and cons:

Pro:

They weren't yelling anymore.

We were exposed to 2 very different parenting styles which worked in the end- Mom was very achievement-oriented and expected alot. Dad just wanted us to be happy. The result is both my sis and I pushed ourselves hard enough to get excellent grades and went to one of the best Universities but we also took time to breathe.

We got to enjoy each parent on their own terms and they really appreciated their time since it was limited.

My sis and I are both well-adjusted and married to committed husbands so we didn't turn out with commitment issues or anything.

Con:

Schleping clothes, documents,permission slips back and forth was a pain. Something was always forgotten.

Even now, 30 odd years later, its a pain to have to alot separate but equal time when visiting-separate holiday time etc.-the schleping never ends!

While the different parenting styles worked in the end, there were major issues along the way as each parent doesn't know what the other is doing. One parent had an alcohol and drug problem that we kind of covered for for years. With both parents in one place, an intervention would have happened earlier, I think. Also Mom was constantly monitoring and judging the food we ate with Dad.

I think there is something great for kids about being in the one home with their parents- but this wasnt modelled for me at all in childhood.EVERYONE's parents were divorced.

The worst was Mom insulting and putting Dad down in front of us to friends and family for years and years. This really dammaged our relationship with Dad and made us feel our loyalties were always being tested. I think the parents really need to be adult about the separation and be kind to one another and about one another in front of the kids.

Hope this helps. Good luck.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I'm another person whose parents didn't split and in many ways i wish they had. They were happy, then she got ill. She was mean after she became ill. Twisted and manipulative. It probably wasn't her fault, it probably was a result of oxygen deprivation during heart attacks and her stroke or changes from the chemotherapy and radiotherapy (she had 2 unrelated terminal illnesses). It was a really hard thing for her to go through for sure, she took it all out on my dad. She would turn him inside out with her destructive observations. He was on anti-D's and in therapy for 11 years to keep sane while staying married to her. He once went to stay with his mum for 6 weeks as his dad had been put into residential nursing care and she needed support for the transition to living alone, she told him not to come back then phoned all her kids and said he'd left her. I cried wholeheartedly about it then felt quite optimistic. I called him at gran's and he was shocked to learn he'd left her! She twisted so many things - she bitched about him so often to me i once said "if it's so bad then stop complaining and leave him" and she later told him "your own CHILD thinks i should leave you!". It really hurt and damaged him, but i guess i found his loyalty and kindness inspiring too. He never left her, in the end she died, and he stayed up with her in the Hospice that night, holding her hand and lifting her back into bed when she screamed for her mama and fell out of it. It has left him incredibly damaged. I'm glad she had his love right to the end, but i wish it hadn't cost him so much. She died nearly 6 years ago and he has told me he's too scared to ever get into another relationship in case it happens again (the illness, personality changes and death) or in case it happens to HIM and he puts someone else through it. It kills me that this sweet, loyal, loving, amazing man is alone because of the damage not leaving did to him. My mother had been divorced once before. She stayed for 15 years with a man who beat her in front of her eldest 4 kids and finally walked out when he threw her down stairs and her eldest son saw it and didn't react at all. She was horrified to think she had allowed them to be witness to it and become so numb to it.

So my parents stayed together. I split from XP though, when DD was 8 weeks old. She was not a planned baby, she was a cheeky wee surprise. We would have split whether she came along or not and neither of us regret her or the split. But then, we are friends. We fought a lot and couldn't make it work (we tried, but things he couldn't relinquish, like drug use, were not things i could compromise on when we had a baby in the house). Now we are good friends. DD does go back and forth, but it is very worked out, very stable, but flexible to her needs. She doesn't get 2 parties - we have parties together, ditto Christmas (he comes to us in the morning, then we drop him at his folks when we go to MIL and FIL for lunch), we talk daily, we eat together at least once a week, i frequently cook for him (sent him home with soup tonight for example). I don't know what impact it will have on DD. How can i? But there's not a lot i can do about it. It might make me unbearably selfish or a terrible parent or both, but my long-term unhappiness is not a trade i'm willing to make for my kids stability, and i don't believe it would be a worthwhile one if it was. Children learn what they live. I was never going to raise my DD to think love is indifference. To believe control is a major component of a "good" relationship. To think sacrifice of everything, even one's happiness, is a necessary expectation of a partner so THEY can be happy. To think compromise is a one-way thing women do to make men happy. We are great friends, XP and i, but we were NOT a healthy couple.

I'm not too sure on the "morality" of leaving/staying. I was not and am not married. I don't believe in a God. I didn't promise anyone anything. I believe as a parent i am charged with providing a stable, loving environment for my child and as far as i am concerned i am doing that, it's not a "make-do" situation, i am in another relationship but i was dating this man, who i had known for 5 years before we began dating, for over a year before i let him and DD spend any time together. I was extremely careful. I make my choices carefully, i listen to my child, i make changes wherever i see they are needful and i am always open to revisiting things as times change. Decisions are made with the 3 parents and the kid all having a voice (DD2 will have a voice when she can talk too!). Overall i like how we all get along. That it doesn't fit the mould of a different person or society with a different moral code is...irrelevant. I can't answer for the studies. I am not a demographic. I am a person, doing my best with the cards i got dealt. I'm really proud of myself, of my XP and DH and especially of my little girl.

OP unhappiness is not a habit you want to teach your kids? Is it? :hug


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