# Three-year-old is "testing his boundaries"



## Mommy&Will (May 22, 2003)

I need some help.

Will (almost 3) is very spirited. One minute he is happy and loving and the next he is growling and yelling (he's a Gemini to boot). He is a one man wrecking machine in this house as well.

My sister tells me he is testing his boundaries and doing these things to get me to set some limits. I think what she means is its time to shove him in his bedroom to scream and cry every time he does something "wrong."

Here's examples of what he does - all the time:

Pees on the floor ("MOmmy, I'm peeing on the floor!")
Throws his water cup on the floor at the dinner table (After I told him to scoot it away from the edge so it wouldn't spill)
Hits, or jumps on his little brother

I keep trying to use logical consequences with these scenarios.

Tonight, after bumbling through our own anger, dh sitting on the step in time out with Will, and then taking away his dinner, we came to the logical consequence that he could sit at the table, eat his dinner but not have his water cup since he threw it on the floor.

But what do I do about peeing on the floor? Its like he is looking for my reaction. I've started to just calmly say "where do we pee" and he immediately hollers "in the potty!" like its a game. Then I make a big deal about how I can't do anything with him until I clean it up... I've tried to get him to clean it up himself but he won't. I want to force him to because I get so mad at him. But I can't force him and it wouldn't teach him anything anyway.


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## then there were 2 (Mar 16, 2005)

I have his twin brother and would like to drop him off to you as soon as humanly possible!!!! :LOL :LOL :LOL


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## then there were 2 (Mar 16, 2005)

I couldn't finish reading your post because I was laughing too hard. I have now collected myself and can tell you it gets worse. My son is 3.3 and the word spirited does not do him justice. He loves to test and push buttons. I keep thinking that it is a phase, but I know that is my mind playing a trick on me to keep me sane. I try to be calm and understanding and not to yell or over react, but I do. I am human. I think our kids are deep thinkers who need to be challenged and I know if my son is not being challenged, he will seek one. Usually it has to do with me, my one year old daughter, or the two innocent dogs who did not ask for this. Example, "Why are you chasing the dog around the yard with a stick?" Answer "that is not a dog, that is a dragon and I am trying to slay it." (i went to store, dh whatched kids and lord of rings at same time) "Why did you stick Cheerios up the dogs nose?" "He wouldn't open his mouth!!!!"







Welcome to my world.


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

I don't know if it's so much about wanting you to set boundaries - it probably is to some degree - but it's also probably about getting a reaction.

Why don't you want him to throw his sippy cup on the floor? What happens when he does? The reason I ask is because in our house, if DS throws his sippy on the floor, I ignore it. If he asks me to get it for him I tell him he can get it himself. (Not meanly - but he threw it there, he can get it.) Believe me, when you are the only one playing, the game gets old quick.

With the peeing, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Try just calmly cleaning it up with no fanfare, just a remark about how he had an accident and next time we'll try to get it in the potty. If he's doing it on purpose, play dumb - pretend he just couldn't get to the potty on time. If he keeps on doing it, maybe try telling him that he can go back to wearing diapers for a while if he feels more comfortable that way. Don't make it sound like a punishment for peeing on the floor, but the fact is if he can't get the pee in the potty, he needs to wear diapers - that's what diapers are for. Again, just don't play. Maybe he'll decide it's just not fun to watch Mommy clean up pee and then wear a diaper for the rest of the day.









JMHO. I hope you get some good input! These little ones can be so frustrating.


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## PrincessMommie (Apr 16, 2005)

:


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I would not assume that he is peeing on the floor on purpose. My kids both did that at his age, and when they told me about it -- it was more of an observation than anything else. It was as if they were saying, _"Oh -- look at that. I'm peeing on the floor. Gee, what do you know!"_ Yes, they could explain where pee is supposed to go. Didn't mean they could control where it ended up. I would calmly pick up a rag for myself and also hand one to him, and say, _"Oh well - lets clean it up. Better luck next time!"_ And diapers when I was really frazzled about it.

We had strict rules about how our (then) 3/4 y.o. *could* touch the baby. That worked better than having rules about how he couldn't. For instance -- _"You can touch the babies feet gently. You can rub the baby's back softly..."_

As for the water cup -- well, if you throw it on the floor -- then its on the floor until you pick it up again. I'm sure as heck not picking it up for you! famousmocknbrd is right - it gets old when nobody else is interested in the game.


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## Attached Mamma (Mar 16, 2004)

Our 3 year old has just recently been testing boundaries, mainly doing some really annoying behaviors. I am currently reading "Parenting Without Punishment, Making Problem Behavior Work For You", by John W. Maag. A few of really good points I have read so far are:

#1. Don't tell children what they can't do (don't run in the house), tell them what they can do (we walk in the house).

#2. As hard as it is, unless they are going to hurt themselves, someone else, or break something, ignore their behavior. To a child negative attention is better than no attention at all, so instead of saying "we shouldn't do that", ect.. just ignore it. As long as they are getting some kind of attention for a certain behavior it will continue.

#3. Continuous reinforcement. Praise the child after each occurance of a specified behavior. This is the most effective method for getting a child to perform a new behavior, or a behavior that previously occurred at a very low rate. We eventually want children to behave out of their own self-control, but it is a gradual shift from parent control to self control.

Good Luck!!


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## dalbert (Oct 16, 2002)

My spirited dd is 3 1/2 and also does this kind of thing. I think she does it because she knows it's crossing the line and she wants to know what's going to happen when she does it. It frequently happens when there's some kind of power struggle at play, however minor it may seem. For instance, telling him to move his cup away from the edge of the table so that it doesn't fall off may be a minor power play in his eyes. You could just state that his cup is close to the edge of the table and it may fall. But even that could prompt him to push it off because it could just be the suggestion of it falling being something that would get a reaction out of you that sounds good to him. So, you could just ignore it. If it falls by accident, you'll be less upset than if he threw it on the floor.

Toilet training is the infamous power struggle that comes to play for many kids. Sounds like your ds already knows how to use the potty but is continuing to play with the power of being able to do it wherever he wants. That's a really tricky one that your going to have to work through instinctively. Maybe if he gets more power in other places, he won't need to claim this kind of power? I'd be wary of sticking him back in diapers because 1) it will feel like a punishment; and 2) he may choose to stay in diapers. I agree that it's probably smart to not make a big deal out of it when it happens. Maybe even refrain from passing a judgement on it. Just casually observe "oh, you pee'd on the floor" and maybe ask "what do you think about that?" Hopefully it will lead to "what can we do to fix it?" Then, if he can think of a solution, just a calm "I like that idea" would suffice. No fanfare in either direction.

Good luck!









di - mama to dd (11/01)


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

ITA with famousmockngbrd....


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## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

My 2 1/2 year old baby







boy: is your baby's







boy: lost twin








:


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## Mommy&Will (May 22, 2003)

Thanks, mamas. These are great suggestions. We have had less "power plays" the past few days and I know its because I am working VERY hard to let things go. I've been doing the "play dumb," gig and being very nonchalant about any episodes we might have (like dumping out a box of crackers and jumping on them). I think he finds my reactions dull and boring and is off to find more interesting entertainment.









He's wearing pull-ups now.







: But he now will pee whenever in the pull-ups. Sometimes he runs to the potty. And if we are out of the house, he almost ALWAYS will use a potty. So I have totally shut up about the potty. I don't ask if he needs to go - which is really hard because I know he must have to go, but its the whole control thing.... he'll have to decide when he is ready to quit peeing in the pull-ups, I guess. In the meantime, I had to use the pull-ups to keep my sanity. I was so tired of wet clothes, and he would always take off his cloth dipes.


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