# One Day at a Time *****JULY******



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

*


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

mamaterra, I am so sorry you're in so much pain. My due date for the second one I lost was just in May and it was so incredibly horrible. More so than anything else I can remember. Have you thought of seeing a therapist at all to talk things out w/? I found someone who deals w/ pg and birth loss (and had lost 3 babies herself) and this has helped me a lot. Many hugs, mama. This is such a hard road.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

(((~Mamaterra~))) Big hugs to you. This is a rocky road for all of us, but it sounds like yours is rockier than most. It sounds like now is the time to seek additional support, whether from a therapist or a support group. (I am going to a local support group through the MISS Foundation and also frequently visiting their forums.) Of course we will always support you, but it sounds like you need more than the virtual hugs we can give. I'm worried for you and want you to find a way through the dark place without resorting to pills or alcohol. Please, please seek the help you need.









Praying for support, peace and easier days ahead for us all...


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## CityChic (Jan 18, 2007)

: to you Mama.

We are struggling as well. DH is going to seek counseling for depression. It is affecting our marriage so much, we were so unprepared for this.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Citychic, I'm glad you OH is getting counseling. My OH and I both should have, but we didn't. Now it's really taking a toll on our relationship.

ETA: OH has a really hard time talking about how he feels about the m/c. He bottles it up, and it comes out in some horrid ways. I think it's been the root of his wayward behavior. At least I come here and share my feelingsl,but he tries to be too macho about it.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Hugs to you, HB and CC - ugh...DH is dealing in his own way - which is to pretty much ignore it. He certainly doesn't talk about it. I don't know how this will affect him in the long run.

It's been 11 weeks since I had Rowan. I bled for seven weeks, O'd, and then have had one period.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday because we had sex once, during my period, without protection and I have not ovulated yet (was expecting it about 5-6 days ago). I thought maybe something was really wonky and that maybe I was ovulating during my period and didn't realize it or something.

It was negative, of course. It would be very bad if I was pregnant - I need to talk to specialists before trying again, and I really need my body to be in good shape if I am to have a good chance of carrying closer to term. And I am nowhere, nohow, in any emotional shape to handle being pregnant, with a real possibility of a second tri loss happening again even with doing everything naturally and medically possible (IC) - not to mention I'm still gripped with pain about losing my son.

So, anyway, it was negative. And I was sitting there staring at it, praying for it to be negative, and then, when it was, I was so sad. So so sad. I want to be 34 1/2 weeks pregnant right now. I should be so ridiculously f*cking huge right now. I should be washing diapers and clothes and nesting. I should not have my baby's ashes on my night stand. He should be moving, kicking, in my uterus. I should be complaining about my hips, about peeing all night long, about how I'm never going to sleep again, I should be eating a million grams of protein, doing kegals, meeting with my birth assistant, enjoying these last days before newborn mayhem ensues. I should not be posting this post.

sigh.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
I should be so ridiculously f*cking huge right now. I should be washing diapers and clothes and nesting. I should not have my baby's ashes on my night stand. He should be moving, kicking, in my uterus. I should be complaining about my hips, about peeing all night long, about how I'm never going to sleep again, I should be eating a million grams of protein, doing kegals, meeting with my birth assistant, enjoying these last days before newborn mayhem ensues. I should not be posting this post.

sigh.

I feel the exact same way.







to you all


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

*


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Both JenMidwife, Mamaterra - hug.







:

--- --- ---

JenMidwife - I want to thank you for posting about losing Owen; your story was heartbreaking and it burned in my mind. I happened to read it about a week before I lost my son and it gave me a measure of comfort and strength when I was cradling my 22 1/2 week baby son - reminding myself to be in the moment then, with him, as much as I could.

--- --- ---

Today has not been a good day. I got really really angry with DH and yelled at him, then closed the door to our bedroom and watched Noggin with DS (2 1/2y). I had some pretty strong thoughts about a separation, but after cooling down I absolutely know that this is due to the situation right now, and not about our relationship. What I do know is that I need to get away. I am going to try to see about leaving for a weekend, even if it's just to a hotel. I really, really, really, need to be outside of my life right now.

I have ativan in my cupboard. It was prescribed to me at the hospital. I filled it but never took it. I don't like taking medication that alters things and I have no idea what it will do to me so I am a little scared to take it. But, I'm really on edge right now and feel like I need something. Has anyone here taken ativan/lorazepam?


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
I have ativan in my cupboard. It was prescribed to me at the hospital. I filled it but never took it. I don't like taking medication that alters things and I have no idea what it will do to me so I am a little scared to take it. But, I'm really on edge right now and feel like I need something. Has anyone here taken ativan/lorazepam?

Tellera, I was given lorazepam too. I took it several times in the first few days after my last loss. It helped with the anxiety and just sort of quieted my head down a bit. It did make me a little sleepy, though. What is the strength? I believe mine were .25 mg and I could take 1-2 as needed.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmo* 
Tellera, I was given lorazepam too. I took it several times in the first few days after my last loss. It helped with the anxiety and just sort of quieted my head down a bit. It did make me a little sleepy, though. What is the strength? I believe mine were .25 mg and I could take 1-2 as needed.

Thanks, jmo. It's .5 mg. I guess I could cut it in half to make it less potent. I am just so on edge/irritated. I'm not sure if it will help with that. I mean, I'm anxious, but it's more about just being irritated, my nerves are frayed. I think it's either the lorazepam or a beer this evening.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
This is exactly how I feel as I was due with Aubree this week. Another baby girl. Have you seen our girls?!? We make em beautiful and Aubree would have been just as beautiful.

There is a lady down the block due this week as well and I have watched her in envy over the past couple of months....especially since our last babe died. I so want to crawl inside her body and be her.....not me.









Your girls *are* beautiful. I'm so sorry Aubree is not in your arms









Yeah, I have a neighbor & close friend due right about now too. I totally relate to that stuff about wanting to be them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
JenMidwife - I want to thank you for posting about losing Owen; your story was heartbreaking and it burned in my mind. I happened to read it about a week before I lost my son and it gave me a measure of comfort and strength when I was cradling my 22 1/2 week baby son - reminding myself to be in the moment then, with him, as much as I could.

--- --- ---

Today has not been a good day. I got really really angry with DH and yelled at him, then closed the door to our bedroom and watched Noggin with DS (2 1/2y). I had some pretty strong thoughts about a separation, but after cooling down I absolutely know that this is due to the situation right now, and not about our relationship. What I do know is that I need to get away. I am going to try to see about leaving for a weekend, even if it's just to a hotel. I really, really, really, need to be outside of my life right now.

I have ativan in my cupboard. It was prescribed to me at the hospital. I filled it but never took it. I don't like taking medication that alters things and I have no idea what it will do to me so I am a little scared to take it. But, I'm really on edge right now and feel like I need something. Has anyone here taken ativan/lorazepam?

Oh my gosh, I had no idea about your DS. I'm heartbroken for you







Our stories sound very similar... do you mind me asking what happened? When is your dd w/ him? Mine is 7/22. Sigh...

The Ativan sounds absolutely appropriate to take. You can definitely break them in half or even quarters (you might need a sharp knife) until you know how it affects you. & don't mix it w/ the beer, but I'm sure you know that









BTW, I take Wellbutrin XL everyday. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make me numb, but it helps me to have the patience to the mom I want to be & the spouse I want to be.

I'm really worried about you & your dh.







: How was your relationship before your loss? Is there an objective person you can talk to? Have you guys considered therapy?

I never understood how someone could "walk out" on their family until we lost Owen. It's been the most lonely, isolating experience of my life & some days, the idea of "walking away" so I "don't have to live my life" sounds pretty appealing. Of course, I know my grief would catch up with me, I could never walk away from dd, & that DH & I can make it through this. But I get it now.

I'll be thinking about you, mama. Feel free to pm me anytime


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Hugs to everyone who needs them tonight. I've been away on a Caribbean island with DH's side of the family. It was restful and relaxing and beautiful, but it was a trip that we planned to take with Baker, so I found myself constantly wondering what it would be like to have him with us. DH and I were planning how to get him a passport quickly and wondering how many diapers to pack. Instead, my MIL canceled the crib that was supposed to be in our room.

I recently realized that I am now getting into the aniversary dates of my pregnancy. I was temping and charting, so I know that Baker was conceived one year ago yesterday. We were so happy this time last year. This sucks.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
Hugs to everyone who needs them tonight. I've been away on a Caribbean island with DH's side of the family. It was restful and relaxing and beautiful, but it was a trip that we planned to take with Baker, so I found myself constantly wondering what it would be like to have him with us. DH and I were planning how to get him a passport quickly and wondering how many diapers to pack. Instead, my MIL canceled the crib that was supposed to be in our room.

I recently realized that I am now getting into the aniversary dates of my pregnancy. I was temping and charting, so I know that Baker was conceived one year ago yesterday. We were so happy this time last year. This sucks.









Yes, walking the steps now that we figured we'd be taking with a newborn is so, so hard.
















for Baker's conception anniversary


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

I just noticed that mamaterra replied here... for those of us who were in the July '08 ddc before our losses, there's a really nice thread here in rememberance:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=924373


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

yeah Dalene, it does. terrible. I just got back from visiting my family and taking a 2200 mile road trip with the kids. Held my sister's son. he'd be 5 weeks younger than Micah. They should be growing up together. we both cried. it was an emotional two weeks.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
Hugs to everyone who needs them tonight. I've been away on a Caribbean island with DH's side of the family. It was restful and relaxing and beautiful, but it was a trip that we planned to take with Baker, so I found myself constantly wondering what it would be like to have him with us. DH and I were planning how to get him a passport quickly and wondering how many diapers to pack. Instead, my MIL canceled the crib that was supposed to be in our room.

Aww... I'm so sorry, that sounds painful...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
Oh my gosh, I had no idea about your DS. I'm heartbroken for you







Our stories sound very similar... do you mind me asking what happened? When is your dd w/ him? Mine is 7/22. Sigh...

The Ativan sounds absolutely appropriate to take. You can definitely break them in half or even quarters (you might need a sharp knife) until you know how it affects you. & don't mix it w/ the beer, but I'm sure you know that









BTW, I take Wellbutrin XL everyday. It doesn't make me happy, it doesn't make me numb, but it helps me to have the patience to the mom I want to be & the spouse I want to be.

I'm really worried about you & your dh.







: How was your relationship before your loss? Is there an objective person you can talk to? Have you guys considered therapy?

I never understood how someone could "walk out" on their family until we lost Owen. It's been the most lonely, isolating experience of my life & some days, the idea of "walking away" so I "don't have to live my life" sounds pretty appealing. Of course, I know my grief would catch up with me, I could never walk away from dd, & that DH & I can make it through this. But I get it now.

I'll be thinking about you, mama. Feel free to pm me anytime









Thanks, JenM. He was due 8/19. I haven't felt like I could handle posting a whole post about losing my son; I've just been posting the aftermath on these threads. I should at least write it all down somewhere so I don't forget it. I can't handle going too far into the emotional space right now, but I'm PM'ing you a mostly facts only story.

As far as Wellbutrin, I actually took that several years ago. I was not able to tolerate the side effects that developed after about two months - severe heart racing. It helped, but I couldn't keep it going because of that side effect.

It is very isolating, isn't it. DH and I are Ok, we had a good foundation so this is something we will be able to muddle through. He is very laid back and things roll off of him, so that helps when I'm losing it. Myself, I see a grief therapist every other week.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
yeah Dalene, it does. terrible. I just got back from visiting my family and taking a 2200 mile road trip with the kids. Held my sister's son. he'd be 5 weeks younger than Micah. They should be growing up together. we both cried. it was an emotional two weeks.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
I haven't felt like I could handle posting a whole post about losing my son; I've just been posting the aftermath on these threads.

I feel the same way. I haven't wanted to post about it at all, and definitely not in a thread all by myself.

My boy would have been due this month, and...I'm a wreck.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
Myself, I see a grief therapist every other week.

That's great that you are seeing a counselor. I've found my sessions to be enormously helpful. For some reason, I usually leave feeling hopeful that life will get better. Especially now that pp probably think that DH and I are getting through our grief, I like having a designated time that I can talk freely about our baby.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
yeah Dalene, it does. terrible. I just got back from visiting my family and taking a 2200 mile road trip with the kids. Held my sister's son. he'd be 5 weeks younger than Micah. They should be growing up together. we both cried. it was an emotional two weeks.

Good for you for holding a baby and getting through that "first". I recently held my BF's baby for the first time. Since I didn't have to pretend that everything is OK and that Baker never existed, it actually felt OK. It sounds like you had a similar situation with your sister...you felt free to cry and didn't have to hold in your emotions.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ananas* 
I feel the same way. I haven't wanted to post about it at all, and definitely not in a thread all by myself.

My boy would have been due this month, and...I'm a wreck.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Post wherever and whenever you are ready. We understand. What is your son's name?


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

It's day to day, sometimes hour to hour for me. Some mornings I wake up and feel that the day holds a lot of promise. Other mornings I wake up with a feeling of dread as I get ready for work. I am so blessed to have a supervisor who understands&#8230;she lost a full term twin to a cord accident 17 years ago. But I can tell that others are uncomfortable around me&#8230;that they don't know what to do with my mother's pain. I hold myself together and function like a normal person, so maybe they think I'm better.

This is all so hard. It was the little things on vacation, like filling out the customs cards...we're still a family of two instead of three. I need to readjust our tax withholding...I adjusted at the beginning of the year to account for a child tax credit. And what was the point of buying more life insurance?...etc, etc. I just wish he was here with us.

I had a follow-up call with the perinatologist yesterday. His opinion is the same as the OB, that Baker's bladder obstruction wasn't significant enough to result in low fluid and that I probably did not have a chronic abruption, since he was a normal size baby with no facial/limb deformities and my amniotic fluid was clear. He thinks that the cord got caught long enough during contractions for Baker to be compromised. If he had lived, he would have needed minor lathroscopic surgery to correct the bladder obstruction.

For a future pg, he only recommends more frequent ultrasounds and suggested that I could attempt a VBAC if I wanted, but I don't think I could emotionally/psychologically go through labor again. He said repeat C/S at 39 wks, or at 37 wks with an amnio to check the lungs...anything to shorten the time pregnant. I know that's very un-MDC of me, but no one should judge me until they've been walked this terrible, lonely path.

These days I feel that the shock of Baker's death is wearing off, though I still have moments of "I can't believe this happened to me. I can't believe that he's gone". In its place is a deep, deep sadness. I simply miss him. I really, really miss having him with me. I miss feeling him stretch his legs inside me and laughing at his hiccups. He remained very active at the end of my pregnancy, never slowing down as he grew bigger. I still find it hard to believe that the first time I saw my very active, squirmy baby, he was dead and still.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
DH and I are Ok, we had a good foundation so this is something we will be able to muddle through. He is very laid back and things roll off of him, so that helps when I'm losing it. Myself, I see a grief therapist every other week.

So glad









Quote:


Originally Posted by *ananas* 
My boy would have been due this month, and...I'm a wreck.

There are a lot of us here who had July due dates (mine was 7/22) Maybe we need a special July ddc losses thread.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
For a future pg, he only recommends more frequent ultrasounds and suggested that I could attempt a VBAC if I wanted, but I don't think I could emotionally/psychologically go through labor again. He said repeat C/S at 39 wks, or at 37 wks with an amnio to check the lungs...anything to shorten the time pregnant. I know that's very un-MDC of me, but no one should judge me until they've been walked this terrible, lonely path.

I don't think anyone, even here @ MDC, would judge you- given your history. FYI in the July ddc now, there's one mom having a scheduled c/s @ 37 weeks & another having a scheduled induction @ 39 weeks because their previous babes were born still.








I think about you & Baker everyday









*~mamaterra~* I think about you everyday too & how much you're hurting. I was really happy to see the post you made on the July ddc.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
I don't think anyone, even here @ MDC, would judge you- given your history. FYI in the July ddc now, there's one mom having a scheduled c/s @ 37 weeks & another having a scheduled induction @ 39 weeks because their previous babes were born still.








I think about you & Baker everyday









Thanks, Jen. That's good to know. I'm feeling pretty good today. DH and I met with our therapist last night. I like talking about a future baby with her. It's nice to be able to look forward to the future and have some hope. I started temping/charting again and taking prenatal vitamins, so I feel like those are concrete steps toward happier times. These actions make me feel like I'm regaining some control over my life. The OB said to wait 6 months because I had a C/S, which has always felt like a reasonable time period to me, as far as working on our grief, but I have a feeling that I'll start to feel anxious soon about getting moving on having Baker's brother or sister. I've been reading and rereading this Mothering article today: http://www.mothering.com/articles/bo...tes-grace.html. I would love to have a baby in my arms in 2009.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

OH cannot remember my due date. Uhh, it's the day after a holiday (edd is july 5). It's not that difficult to remember!









I still feel like I'm the one carrying the emotional burden. He says he doesn't want to TTC b/c of how I'm feeling. Sometimes I wonder how _he_ feels.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
These days I feel that the shock of Baker's death is wearing off, though I still have moments of "I can't believe this happened to me. I can't believe that he's gone". In its place is a deep, deep sadness. I simply miss him. I really, really miss having him with me. I miss feeling him stretch his legs inside me and laughing at his hiccups. He remained very active at the end of my pregnancy, never slowing down as he grew bigger. I still find it hard to believe that the first time I saw my very active, squirmy baby, he was dead and still.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Well, ladies, my neighbor had her baby. There is a gigantic sign outside of their home. It is their first. I think I'm going to make them a lasagna. I don't really know them, we are "wave" and "hi" neighbors. But, I do remember how nice it was to be able to eat real food when people brought it over. However, I can't take it to them. DH will need to do it.

How is everyone doing?

I had a pap smear recently, it was normal, and my cervix was still short at 12 weeks pp. My midwife says that this is probably just the way my cervix is, and that, since it didn't shorten at all from 2.1 until 2 hours before Rowan was born, that it probably wasn't the reason for my loss. But, that Incompetent Cervix still could certainly be.

Anyway, I have an appt. on Monday with an OB. This is primarily so that I can get a referral to the perinatologist I want to talk to and see what he has to say about what happened, and what his plan might be for a future pregnancy.

DH is out of town, this has been planned for a long time. My brother was supposed to be staying with me and DS1 as I would have been 8 mos. pregnant. But, now it's just me and DS1. Blah.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Post wherever and whenever you are ready. We understand. What is your son's name?

He was Ezra. The name just fit, from the very beginning. It was his.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
I don't think anyone, even here @ MDC, would judge you- given your history. FYI in the July ddc now, there's one mom having a scheduled c/s @ 37 weeks & another having a scheduled induction @ 39 weeks because their previous babes were born still.

Definitely, no one could judge you for that.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
Well, ladies, my neighbor had her baby. There is a gigantic sign outside of their home. It is their first. I think I'm going to make them a lasagna. I don't really know them, we are "wave" and "hi" neighbors. But, I do remember how nice it was to be able to eat real food when people brought it over. However, I can't take it to them. DH will need to do it.

How is everyone doing?

I had a pap smear recently, it was normal, and my cervix was still short at 12 weeks pp. My midwife says that this is probably just the way my cervix is, and that, since it didn't shorten at all from 2.1 until 2 hours before Rowan was born, that it probably wasn't the reason for my loss. But, that Incompetent Cervix still could certainly be.

Anyway, I have an appt. on Monday with an OB. This is primarily so that I can get a referral to the perinatologist I want to talk to and see what he has to say about what happened, and what his plan might be for a future pregnancy.

DH is out of town, this has been planned for a long time. My brother was supposed to be staying with me and DS1 as I would have been 8 mos. pregnant. But, now it's just me and DS1. Blah.

Good for you for reaching out to others. I'll be meeting a friend's baby (4 wks old) for the first time tomorrow and another new baby this week. I needed to take some time, but now I feel ready to meet them. I feel myself drawn to babies b/c I'm supposed to have a babe in my arms right now. For some reason, it's not that painful. to see babies..I'm just curious about what life with a baby would be like. I have no idea b/c Baker is my only child.

Definitely a good idea to meet with a peri. Please be ready for the doc to throw a lot of info at you. And keep in mind that the doc might "talk out loud". I was told, "the only way to prevent this from happening again is for you to be at a hospital" (and on continuous EFM). But what I heard in that sentence was, "if you had been at a hospital in the first place, you r baby would be alive". Ummm, not helpful!


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## lunarmagic (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
This is all so hard. It was the little things on vacation, like filling out the customs cards...we're still a family of two instead of three. I need to readjust our tax withholding...I adjusted at the beginning of the year to account for a child tax credit. And what was the point of buying more life insurance?...etc, etc. I just wish he was here with us.

...

These days I feel that the shock of Baker's death is wearing off, though I still have moments of "I can't believe this happened to me. I can't believe that he's gone". In its place is a deep, deep sadness. I simply miss him. I really, really miss having him with me. I miss feeling him stretch his legs inside me and laughing at his hiccups. He remained very active at the end of my pregnancy, never slowing down as he grew bigger. I still find it hard to believe that the first time I saw my very active, squirmy baby, he was dead and still.

Everything you wrote resonates with me. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Nothing really means anything much anymore... and it's so freaking hard seeing other people move on, expanding their family, and we're still a family of 2.

I still struggle so much with the unbelievable aspect of it. Us? How could this happen to us? Devin was also an extremely active baby... always moving. I loved it so much. He had his foot wedged up in my ribs the last week or two and I was always giggling at him. When there were days of quiet I knew *something* was wrong. I just... never thought this could happen to us.

And I highly doubt anyone would judge you for having a c-section with what happened to you. My doctors said they would induce early if I felt I needed to, next time... and I'm open to that. I'm just going to take it day by day when I get there, see where I end up. I just want a baby to hold. That's all. A live baby to take home with us.

My heart, my body, my home... all seem so empty. I hurt so deeply I feel like only mothers who have lost babies could possibly understand. I wonder if I'll ever feel whole again.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I think today may be one of those days. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to think about babies and of what could have been.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

huge huge hugs to all of you. so much of what all of you have written I could have written. everything. wow. so strange to be with so many feeling my feelings! does anyone ever feel guilty because of your busy life right now, can hardly handle it the way it is, how would you have handled X situation if you'd had a tiny one? I think that way too much. I'm staying active with the kids and think: I wouldn't be doing X right now cuz I'd have a little baby I wouldn't want to take out in the heat....or whatever reason. although I know many of us use slings and pretty much do the same things we always do just with a baby strapped to you.

remember me mentioning my sister with the tiny baby? her husband just walked out on her. idiot. I can hardly believe it. she's suppose to be right in the middle of baby moon and nursing and bonding and relaxing and gazing into each other eyes as they fall to sleep; instead she's crying herself to sleep and packing up boxes and worried that the last of the bills won't get paid. I have a quiet, stable life and no baby. Her baby is spitting up tons now cuz he's feeling her stress. and THAT makes me irate!!


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## lunarmagic (Mar 10, 2006)

*Cuddlebaby* - I think that a lot too. And it makes me sad. I am so sorry for your sister... who would walk out on his wife just after their baby was born?! UGH! And yeah.... it's unfair... she has what you want and you have what she wants.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
huge huge hugs to all of you. so much of what all of you have written I could have written. everything. wow. so strange to be with so many feeling my feelings! does anyone ever feel guilty because of your busy life right now, can hardly handle it the way it is, how would you have handled X situation if you'd had a tiny one? I think that way too much. I'm staying active with the kids and think: I wouldn't be doing X right now cuz I'd have a little baby I wouldn't want to take out in the heat....or whatever reason. although I know many of us use slings and pretty much do the same things we always do just with a baby strapped to you.

remember me mentioning my sister with the tiny baby? her husband just walked out on her. idiot. I can hardly believe it. she's suppose to be right in the middle of baby moon and nursing and bonding and relaxing and gazing into each other eyes as they fall to sleep; instead she's crying herself to sleep and packing up boxes and worried that the last of the bills won't get paid. I have a quiet, stable life and no baby. Her baby is spitting up tons now cuz he's feeling her stress. and THAT makes me irate!!

I do this, too. I often find myself in situations and realize that my life is supposed to be much different now. I'm supposed to be home on maternity leave until September, instead I'm back at work fulltime. Sometimes DH and I go out with friends after work, and I realize that I certainly wouldn't be having a drink in a bar if my baby were alive. We spent our anniversary weekend at a B&B, and on and on...

That is just awful about your sister







.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lunarmagic* 
And I highly doubt anyone would judge you for having a c-section with what happened to you. My doctors said they would induce early if I felt I needed to, next time... and I'm open to that. I'm just going to take it day by day when I get there, see where I end up. I just want a baby to hold. That's all. A live baby to take home with us.

My heart, my body, my home... all seem so empty. I hurt so deeply I feel like only mothers who have lost babies could possibly understand. I wonder if I'll ever feel whole again.

It's so interesting how your perspective changes when your baby dies. I was so into trusting my body, preparing for labor, prenatal yoga, meditation, and hypnobirthing...I feel like I put trust into those methods, and they let me down. And my body let me down. A live baby to take home is my new goal.


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## lunarmagic (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
It's so interesting how your perspective changes when your baby dies. I was so into trusting my body, preparing for labor, prenatal yoga, meditation, and hypnobirthing...I feel like I put trust into those methods, and they let me down. And my body let me down. A live baby to take home is my new goal.

Yeah, exactly. I was - am - just so shaken. I had ultimate trust that, because I was doing everything right that my body would follow through and I'd a healthy baby. I really really believed that, so much so that even when she couldn't find his heartbeat with the doppler I figured that he was just "hiding." Not until the ultrasound did I finally clue in. I just had SO much faith that it was fine. And now... yeah. Perspectives have definitely changed. I haven't fallen on completely the other side of the tree, I still feel like the birth process is important... but at the same time it's very different. It's not as important as it used to be.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

I completely agree that your perspective changes. It's not all about the process with the assumption that a healthy baby is guaranteed. For me, the process is still important, but I completely get it that moms who have lost a baby will choose to get an induction or c-section. Personally, I might not make the same choice, but it's not mine to make, so I will support them and pray like crazy that they get a healthy baby. I guess this has just made me more understanding and supportive.

For my own next birth, whenever that might be, I am clinging to every bit of the natural, peaceful birth I had wanted with Audrey. I feel like in addition to losing my baby, I also lost the freedom to birth where/how I wanted, not completely, but it's definitely hindered. I know that I have to birth in a hospital with continuous monitoring and IV antibiotics. And I'm okay with that for the most part. But it makes me really want to avoid any other interventions because I already feel like things will be so medical. I just feel like I need to have a peaceful, natural birth as part of my healing. I've already lost so much, that I don't want to lose the entire process as well, if that makes sense.

Also, I'm trying desperately not to be ruled by fear. On another loss forum, I read about a woman getting a c-section when the baby was still premature (not for medical reasons) and her baby was in the NICU for a few weeks. Like I said, it wasn't my choice and so I prayed and supported her, but I don't want to make that choice myself. I keep reminding myself, most women do have healthy babies.

And the truth is, no matter how much we all medicalize our pregnancies and births, there are no guarantees. Dalene, I wish that peri hadn't made that comment to you that questioned your past choices. You're right that it wasn't helpful, and it might not even be true. We all hope and try for the best (doctors included), but there is an uncertainty to it, no matter how much care we get. My takeaway lesson is that any moment we have with our babies from conception on is a blessing, and delivering a healthy baby is truly a miracle. Life is precious.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Kathleen


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
And my body let me down. A live baby to take home is my new goal.


















Rebecca


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

ITA Kathleen. I think I am even more apt to try for a perfect/natural/unassisted birth. even though I can WAY TOO WELL understand the opposite perspective. I'm convinced that in *my* particular situation all interventions would not have changed the outcome. and I would have had those interventions to heal from (I had zero of anything physically to heal from) as well as grieving. I was so thankful I didn't have a sore perineum or anything else to heal from as I took comfort from my community.

It's a tough road. none of us should be on it. we should not even be *thinking* about death/funerals and crap like that until we have lived a good/long life and we are in our 60's burying our parents. This is the not the way it was intended to be. I am SO thankful to have all of you though. very much. no one else understands.


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## RainbowEarthFaerie (Oct 11, 2006)

Hi. Can I join here? I just found out on Tuesday that my baby had stopped developing 3 weeks ago. I am still waiting for her to pass.


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## lunarmagic (Mar 10, 2006)

Kathleen - So true, so true. I too am really really hoping for another natural birth next time (an almost natural birth is one last gift Devin gave me... I was induced and took some stadol, but the rest of it was all me). And I totally totally understand wanting to hold onto something that isn't medical - with Devin being conceived by IVF I really wanted to balance that out, regain what I had lost in a way. And I too am trying so hard not to be ruled by fear. Most babies ARE fine.... and there's no reason the expect that our next babies will have any issues at all. It's just so hard not to fear.









RainbowEarthFaerie - Absolutely!


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybunch2k8* 
I think today may be one of those days. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to think about babies and of what could have been.











Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
It's so interesting how your perspective changes when your baby dies. I was so into trusting my body, preparing for labor, prenatal yoga, meditation, and hypnobirthing...I feel like I put trust into those methods, and they let me down. And my body let me down. A live baby to take home is my new goal.

Me too. I'm mourning the loss of "natural" in my next pregnancy. I will be intervened all over the place and I'm sad about this, but, yes - a live baby is now the goal. I have a hard time reading some posts on this site now, those that talk about how doing this, this and that will equal a healthy baby and mama. Well, I did this, this and that. And I was shocked that I was doing it all "right" (even doing more things than I did w/my first son) and my body up and went into labor at 22 1/2 weeks and my baby died while I was holding his hot slippery tiny body. So completely shocked. I trusted my body...? WTFH? So, now, sure I'll trust myself, I'll go to the chiro and the accupuncturist and eat organic and local and rest, etc..., but I am also saying - here - stitch me up - stick heparin in my belly fat - whatever the hell is going to give me a wiggling child.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RainbowEarthFaerie* 
Hi. Can I join here? I just found out on Tuesday that my baby had stopped developing 3 weeks ago. I am still waiting for her to pass.

Absolutely. Hugs to you.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
. A live baby to take home is my new goal.

Same here. At this point, I still want to do the natural thing, but I can't say how I'll feel for sure when I'm pregnant again. I have my own vision of birth I just can't let go of.

I feel like it brought me down to Earth. I realize that nothing is guaranteed no matter how good you think you are being.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

Hugs to everybody.







It has been somewhat quiet lately, but I hope everyone is doing okay. I've been thinking about you all and have been really thankful for this part of MDC.

Has anybody else had problems with insomnia? I was doing okay as far as sleep for the most part and had taken less than five sleeping pills since Audrey was born in April. Then starting like four days ago, my mind simply refuses to turn off even though I'm exhausted. For three nights I had to take half an Ambien to get to sleep and then last night I was able to go to sleep eventually, but then woke up five hours later after having a nightmare that I lost a second child and had a c-section.









Does anybody have any other suggestions on how to get some sleep without taking a sleeping pill? I really don't want to become addicted, and I also would prefer something that wouldn't be an issue if/when I get pregnant again. My mom used to take Melatonin, so I may ask her about it. I also tried one of my Hypnobabies tracks last night, which relaxed me but didn't put me to sleep like it used to. (It probably didn't help that it mentions the baby, and I'm not carrying one now.







) Hypnobabies does have a peaceful sleep CD for non-pregnancy use that I may buy. Anything else anyone can think of? Thanks.

Grace and Peace to all,
Kathleen


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ladybug732* 
Does anybody have any other suggestions on how to get some sleep without taking a sleeping pill?

Maybe take a lighter sleeping pill like Tylenol PM? I took 2 pills for a number of weeks, then went down to 1 pill, and eventually forgot to take them. If your mind is racing, you could set aside some time before bed to put your thoughts to paper as a way to release them.

Has anyone else not written thank-you notes for flowers, food, donations, etc? I just can't bring myself to do it. I like the idea of sending one thank-you, also with birth announcement info, but I haven't been able to put something together. I also have a backlog of emails that I've been ignoring. It's all I can do to get myself through the workday right now.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 

Has anyone else not written thank-you notes for flowers, food, donations, etc? I just can't bring myself to do it. I like the idea of sending one thank-you, also with birth announcement info, but I haven't been able to put something together. I also have a backlog of emails that I've been ignoring. It's all I can do to get myself through the workday right now.

I haven't, and won't. I tried, and it's too much. I called everyone and thanked them over the phone. Writing caused me to just obsess, and I was crying too much.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
I haven't, and won't. I tried, and it's too much. I called everyone and thanked them over the phone. Writing caused me to just obsess, and I was crying too much.

Maybe I'll send something around Christmas, if I feel up to it. Ugh, I think there may still be people who don't know that my baby died...people who I told on my Christmas card list that I was expecting a baby in March. Yeah, I'm not going to deal with thank-yous.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
I haven't, and won't. I tried, and it's too much. I called everyone and thanked them over the phone. Writing caused me to just obsess, and I was crying too much.

I did. It was the hardest part. and writing out thank you's or anything actually hand written is not my forte. but I did it. it was very hard and emotional but healing too. we all grieve differently. there is no wrong or right way.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

I did write thank you notes. I used the same, short blurb for each one and did it mindlessly in front of the TV. But I wouldn't feel guilty if I hadn't. Gifts for bereaved people are intended to comfort/help them, not make them feel obligated or guilty. Hopefully people understand that grieving is hard work, and we aren't always able to observe the social niceties. I would say do it if it is healing, but avoid it if it isn't. And if you do it, then find a way to make it easy on yourself.

Hugs,
Kathleen


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