# Need Advice



## Mel Coleman (Apr 24, 2017)

I know this is "mothering", but I'm at a loss for where else to look. So here's the situation:

My fiance had been a struggling single mother for nearly 5 years before I came on the scene. She was working several jobs and going to school, so obviously discipline was one of the first things that went out of the window in her "survival" mode. Now, over a year later, we have a very spirited 6 year old and we are clashing on how to handle our daily issues.

She laid down the "no spanking rule" immediately. Although I don't necessarily agree that spanking is always wrong, I am trying to adhere to her desires for how to parent. Our issue now is that I believe our discipline has gone too far on the lenient-side without the corporal punishment. She also does not believe in "time outs" or "letting him cry it out".

So, where does that leave us in terms of consequences and punishments? I'm from an authoritative family and still believe that sometimes children need to accept "no" as the answer, and they need to be able to follow some directions. I know that there have to be several other options for punishments, but I am at a loss as to what those are. Her method of talking to him about the issues and reasoning with him is not working (children that young do not have brains developed enough to understand reason so he just continues the same negative behavior). I have also tried positive behavior reinforcement, but that does not stop the negative behavior. Please, any suggestions would be great!


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I would suggest a few things

1) as you are a relatively new addition to the family, leave the discipline to her. Support her and be a loving presence to her son but don't be a parent figure.

2) authoritative parenting, that is parenting which provides guidance and boundaries without punishments does not mean the child never hears "no". What it means is that the child hears "no" in a loving, respectful way and that their response is met with empathy. It also recognises where the child is at developmentally, emotionally etc. It is harder work than authoritarian parenting, IMO, and will not result in a child who just says "yes mum". It will result in a mutually respectful relationship and a child who is able to think more critically and empathetically about their choices though 

3) one of my favourite resources is www.ahaparenting.com There is information about this style of parenting in general but also age group specific articles. Hopefully you will find some things there to reassure you about your fiancée's parenting style. The articles about building or rebuilding connections might be a good place to start.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Hi Mel. I agree with everything that Katelove said. It would be helpful if you could tell us what behaviors or traits you think are in need of 'discipline.' That is in quotes because discipline means many things to many people. For example, some parents feel that a child not finishing their supper requires 'discipline.' I'm guessing because you said he is spirited that perhaps this is a combo of impulsivity, tantrums, maybe some 'doing what I want to do regardless of what you said' kind of thing. 

Please don't confuse discipline with respect. Gentle discipline does require that children respect their parents. And also requires that parents respect their kids--her talking with him might be due to her respect for him and that he might deserve to know what's going on. No, he can't process all the pros and cons at an adult level, but that doesn't mean he can't have an explanation, even if 'no' might be a final answer.

You ask about spanking and time outs (I'm assuming cry it out at his age likely means tantrums?) There are lots of other ways to reinforce rules without these methods, including the wide universe of natural consequences. The goal is to always teach 'replacement skills.' If he had "x" skill, he wouldn't need "y" behavior. Does that make sense? There are many amazing resources for nonviolent, noncoercive parenting. The AhaParenting site Kate mentioned is a tremendous one. None of us believe that children should have no guidance whatsoever. 

I think it is great that you're seeking some alternative viewpoints. Having raised a spirited son myself, I can really resonate with that urge/need to 'do something.' Don't let fear drive you though--most of the spirited ones do turn out more than o.k. and modeling our own self regulation and good choices is the strongest teacher!


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## beedub (Dec 15, 2013)

Not sure what specific undesirable behaviors you're wanting help with, but I think quality time with parents is extremely important and when there isn't much, the kids "act out". If your fiance has been working multiple jobs for years now, has she had much time to dedicate to him on a daily basis?

Focusing on the need under the behavior is important, as well. Maybe reasoning with a small child is challenging, but other things are hard for them, too - expressing strong feelings in a safe way, as well as just processing and understanding their emotions. I find that adults often consider undesirable behavior to be unacceptable, when really it's very age-appropriate.


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## mumto1 (Feb 17, 2016)

Every kid is different, what works for one may not work for another. Is the mom lenient out of guilt/tiredness or because she thinks this is the best path..whatever it is you who are relatively new in the picture. Is the kid destructive, harming himself or others? Is he healthy, his needs being met... Some kids act out a lot at home but once they go to school they are fine and relatively well behaved. And 6 is still very young so if you were expecting more mature behaviour you may have to wait a long time, my son is 15 and he's still unbelievably ridiculous behaviour wise, me and my hubby got to witness a toddler style temper tantrum the other day, it caused us to laugh and then my son started laughing too.


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