# Working with a Strong Willed nearly 10 month old



## Blueone (Sep 12, 2009)

My son is almost 10 months, but extremely strong willed. He knows what I mean by No, Stop, Hon that's not a toy, and will listen sometimes. But not always.

I've tried distracting him, moving the object, moving him, talking to him calmly, saying No, looking at him strongly etc. I've worked in a preschool that used the gentle discipline model so I'm aware of all the things I can do, but I'm at my wits end.

Here's an example. We have a radio on the room floor due to lack of space (we will be getting something smaller eventually that can be put up) and my son is constantly going for it if it's on the floor. He bangs on it, removes the CD and chews on it. I have repeatedly said no, moved it, explained to him in short words that it's not a toy, tried to distract him but he's always going for it and it I move it up on the bed he throws a royal fit.

Help me, please.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

I have this problem too! My son just turned 10 months yesterday, and currrently his favorite thing to do is to rip up paper...books and mags specifically. Redirection does not work.

What I have found is that I just have to move all the books/paper out of his reach. It sucks because we are both teachers and our walls are lined with bookshelves, but I see it as a safety issue. We currently have huge stacks of displaced books in the two rooms he cannot access. I'm hoping that we will be able to replace them sooner than later, but if not into storage they will go...sniff.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are going to have to give up the radio for awhile if there is noplace else to put it. Eventually he will be older and then you can reassess.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

are you actually expecting him to listen to you?

and do what you say?

for him its a new toy. a new way of playing and discovering.

you cannot i think make him stop. i always thought there was a need there i could not see. so i would give them a toy close to that thing dd was tormenting.

so yup you have to put away the radio.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

He's too young for you to expect that the "lesson" is going to stick with him. He hasn't got the memory, or the impulse control, or the fine-tuned understanding of cause and effect. It's still developing, and likely won't be in place until about three years old. Your gentle, patient reminders will eventually solidify his understanding of cause and effect and his ability to control himself, but he's nowhere near there yet.

In the meantime, you're setting yourself up for needless frustration if you keep your expectations so high. All you can do is distract, and remove the forbidden object, intervene before he gets to the object, babyproof, and stay patient. Make it easy on yourself and on him-- keep his environment full of things he can touch and handle and explore, and almost entirely free of things he can't have. Gate things off, block the way with other furniture or objects, put things away in the closet until he's older. If he's hearing no, no, stop, no all day long, eventually he's going to start tuning you out, and the words will lose their meaning.


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## Adallae (Nov 11, 2009)

DD is just about 11 months, and I've come to realize that if there's something I don't want her to play with, that suddenly becomes the coolest 'toy' in the room.









I might be wrong, but I don't think they have the ability to stop themselves at this point. They can understand No, but don't have the skills to control the impulse.

Whenever possible, I put everything I don't want broken away, and only bring them out when she's napping. Larger objects (like bookcases and the TV) are secured to the wall so they can't be pulled over.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

At 10 mos., I think it's best to just stick with redirection, and removal. Get rid of the radio since it's such a distraction for your DS. It might be only temporary, and you might find that in 6 mos to a year or so, your DS will understand better and have the impulse control to not mess with the radio and thus it can be back within his reach. But even then, toddlers forget and/or are so egocentric that all they know is that they want to jam the flashcard into the CD slot (or mess with the buttons, etc.).


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra* 
He's too young for you to expect that the "lesson" is going to stick with him. He hasn't got the memory, or the impulse control, or the fine-tuned understanding of cause and effect. It's still developing, and likely won't be in place until about three years old. Your gentle, patient reminders will eventually solidify his understanding of cause and effect and his ability to control himself, but he's nowhere near there yet.

In the meantime, you're setting yourself up for needless frustration if you keep your expectations so high. All you can do is distract, and remove the forbidden object, intervene before he gets to the object, babyproof, and stay patient. Make it easy on yourself and on him-- keep his environment full of things he can touch and handle and explore, and almost entirely free of things he can't have. Gate things off, block the way with other furniture or objects, put things away in the closet until he's older. If he's hearing no, no, stop, no all day long, eventually he's going to start tuning you out, and the words will lose their meaning.

This. Babyproofing so nothing dangerous/fragile is within reach is the best thing for this age. As your DSs mobility increases babyproofing will be even more important especially if you have a climber.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

The other thing I have found helpful is showing appropriate ways to play with/do whatever it is he's interested in. So with the radio, you could show him how to turn it on, change the volume, etc. If he's hitting your face, show him how to gently stroke your cheek. If he's tearing open all the cabinets, show him which cabinet he can play with & let him pull out all the tupperware. If he's eating rocks, offer him a snack or a teether. It's not 100% but I find it really helps with my frustration level. My DS is 15mo and I have to keep reminding myself that this is his house too, and he's just 'using' the items in his own way. He's not trying to hurt himself or ruin your stuff, he wants to be like you!! He wants to see what everything does & how it works!


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## AmyKT (Aug 20, 2009)

I used to be afraid of the tantrums my strong-willed DD would throw when I denied her something that was unsafe or unsuitable, and I was surprised that she was displaying that behavior at such a young age. Then I realized that it wasn't hurting her to throw a fit, and if I couldn't distract and placate her, I just sat with her while she worked through her rage. She always bounced back rather quickly.

So I'll echo what others have said: remove the unsafe/delicate objects from reach or view and distract or redirect when he manages to get something. If that doesn't work, endure the screaming with patience and a this-shall-pass attitude.


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## Blueone (Sep 12, 2009)

The thing is he mostly stops when I tell him to. Like when he's about to play with kitty food, I look at him sternly, tell him that kitty food isn't a toy," and he stops.

I suppose I do have high expectations sometimes. It's frustrating when he listens sometimes and not other times.

I do put the radio away, but at night it's what plays his sleepy time music and I don't want it on my bed during the night either so every morning we go through the same thing again.

Oh, we do the "nice touch" and all with the kitty and all, but I always forget in the morning with the radio. I'll keep that in mind!


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## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

If I had to guess, I'd say he's probably figured out the cat food--he knows what that's about. The radio, though--has buttons, and things open, and probably sounds sometimes! WAY too much to resist.

You gotta move the radio. A battle of wills with a 10-month-old is a losing proposition.


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## skybluepink02 (Nov 9, 2005)

My daughter is like this. She's very strong willed and has been throwing all-out tantrums since 9 months! I agree with the previous posters. You have to find room for the radio somewhere else, or go without for a few months. At this age they might know what "NO" means, but that doesn't mean they have the self control to stop themselves.

I have my bottom story completely safe for my twins. I have to for my sanity because I can't watch both of them at all times. I've only got two eyes! Plus I occasionally have to use the bathroom.









When my daughter tantrums, I'll try to hold her and console her, but usually she's too caught up in her anger, so I put her in a safe place (carpeted floor) and sit beside her and talk softly until it's over. It doesn't usually take long.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Assume he won't be able to control himself, and on the occasions that he does, it it will be a nice bonus.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

Assume he won't be able to control himself, and on the occasions that he does, it it will be a nice bonus.
YES, this exactly.

Let me give you an example. Many 10 month olds can say a few words. A few 10 month olds can actually put two or three words together in a short sentence. But that does not mean, as a parent, you should _expect_ your 10 month old to answer you with sentences, even if you know he can. It is fine to *enjoy* it when he does it. It is fine to *encourage* him to keep it up, because encouragement won't result in frustration. Frustration happens when you *expect* him to do it, and he fails. And sooner or later an expectation that is not really age appropriate will result in frustration. Keep in mind what is normal and typical of most 10 month old babies, and you can just enjoy his uniquely cooperative attitude at this age, rather than feel frustrated when he acts like a typical baby.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Oh, you might want to put up a wall-mounted shelf for the radio, since you mentioned space limitations.


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