# Concerns about Attachment Parenting



## Carter'sMummy (May 28, 2009)

I just have some questions about it, forgive me if i havent quite gotten the jist of it right.

But, im on board for it all..its just im wondering how you find the balance between having a dependant child on the parent, but also a independant thinker.

I supposed im thinking of people i know who were supported unconditionally by their parents,especially moms and they're not the most independant people i know by any means. Im concerned my son will turn out the same way, i dont want him to have the mama's boy stigma attatched to him, we can be close...but theres a fine line between a healthy and unhealthy mother-child relationship.

Also, im wondering about the "just let him cry" arguement. My cousin was recently visting with her 5 1/2 month old son, now when she put him down to sleep, he would cry for about 5-10 minutes and then stop. Is that right? I mean is that the best thing for him to become independant? Im just not sure where the line gets drawn, it makes sense for me to be able to be there for everything he needs, its my responsibility, but i dont want a mama's boy.


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## Apple Girl (Nov 2, 2007)

Can a 5 1/2 month old feed himself?
How about change his own diaper?
Can he buy groceries, or cut firewood for the winter?

Of course not. A 5 1/2 month old baby is not the least bit independent in any area of his life.

Trust me, when they get a little older, they will find many, many ways to be independent. My older son is only a bit over 3, and he shows me new ways every day that he is growing in independence. I didn't need to leave him alone to cry to teach him how to think for himself. Humans naturally grow in independence as they get older and more capable.


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

First, I think attachment parenting is an approach for infants. Kids grow out of the baby-wearing and breastfeeding.
And putting kids down to sleep, letting them cry a few minutes? You will get lots of conflicting viewpoints on that. But I would assume most infants prefer to nurse themselves to sleep.
And I honestly don't think attachment parenting breeds "mama's boys". Considering how many whiny, clingy kids come from "mainstream" parenting. I think kids who are started off with AP as infants actually grow up to be more independent, and have healthier relationships with their parents, because they have that foundation of security.


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## ~Shanna~ (Nov 17, 2005)

I've struggled with this a lot, as I've come to be mostly AP by accident.
My best advice is that you can't go wrong with listening to your gut. My sister does a lot of mainstream parenting (CIO, spanking, etc.) and she's pretty honest about how it doesn't feel right sometimes, that she's overriding her instinct. On the other hand, I don't do these things as a rule, and there have been a couple of times when DS has been left to cry for a few minutes because the alternative was I was going to do something I would regret, or I could see that he needed to fuss for a minute in order to come to terms with something he didn't like (being in a carseat, for example). I think the dangers of any parenting philosophy is that it asks to you override your instinct in favor of dogma, and that hasn't helped me in the minute-to-minute decisions I face as a parent.

On another note, as the mother of a son, I often have people make snide comments about DS being a "Mama's Boy", and the only thing it ever shows me is how unrealistic the expectations are for independance. My son is 2 1/2, and they say this when he protests being left with strangers in a church nursery, for instance - a situation where I can't blame him for preferring to be while his parents. I think it definately helps to look at what your fears are about labels, and examine whether the labels are helpful or just manipulative. Human children are babies for a lot longer than we tend to think of them as.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

In my experience (anecdotal, of course), doing the physical actions of breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, avoiding CIO, etc, do not cause inordinate dependance on a mother. It hasn't happened with me or my friends who follow many AP practices. My youngest didn't sleep through the night until close to 2 years old, though he might have if we did CIO. However, he is not anything near being a "mama's boy" in terms of over dependance and the like. Right now at 27 months, he rarely will give me the time of day. He's too busy keeping up with his brothers, flying his "spaceship" (my old wooden German recorder














and "fighting monsters!".









I think especially in the first year, it is waaaaay too early to be basing care decisions on the possibility of being a "mama's boy" years into the future. Babies are built to be dependant. They are also built to start asserting independance in the toddler years, and *that* is when a dysfunctional relationship can turn out an overly dependant child. But IMO, it is relational dynamics that do that, rather than the physical actions of caring for a child that are part of AP.


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *averlee* 
First, I think attachment parenting is an approach for infants. Kids grow out of the baby-wearing and breastfeeding.
And putting kids down to sleep, letting them cry a few minutes? You will get lots of conflicting viewpoints on that. But I would assume most infants prefer to nurse themselves to sleep.
And I honestly don't think attachment parenting breeds "mama's boys". Considering how many whiny, clingy kids come from "mainstream" parenting. *I think kids who are started off with AP as infants actually grow up to be more independent, and have healthier relationships with their parents, because they have that foundation of security.*

I could not have said it better myself!


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

I think that there is a fine line, and I think I lean a bit more towards 'mainstream' than some people here. We cloth diaper, breastfeed, have a bunch of chickens and a huge garden, strive to live in a sustainable fashion, babywear, cosleep and so on.. but.. my kids do watch tv occasionally, we're computer geeks, if dinner needs to be mac and cheese- so be it. As far as parenting, I don't believe in CIO as a general philosophy, but if (and it's happened) I need to grab a quick shower or use the washroom, and I put the child in his/her bed and they fall asleep after a minute or so of crying- I'm not about to wake them up to apologize, and I'm not going to worry too much about what harm may have been caused.

We don't hit as a punishment, but the idea of a punishment doesn't phase me- and DD has been forced to wash dishes or scrub the bathtub as a consequence for some crummy behavior on occasion- was it a logical consequence? Not always, but it works to give her a task to focus on. And she thinks twice before she makes a similar choice.

*shrug*

Sometimes people who practice AP find a happy middle ground, and they use an AP philosophy to help the child become independant and secure. Other times people become so attached to being the AP parent that they hinder their child's independence. I think that when you follow your child's cues you find a happy middle ground. I'd be wary of practicing any parenting philosophy completely 'by the book' because the only author of the book that works for your child, is your child himself- it's a work in progress.


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## Mrsboyko (Nov 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *confustication* 

Sometimes people who practice AP find a happy middle ground, and they use an AP philosophy to help the child become independant and secure. Other times people become so attached to being the AP parent that they hinder their child's independence. *I think that when you follow your child's cues you find a happy middle ground.* I'd be wary of practicing any parenting philosophy completely 'by the book' because the only author of the book that works for your child, is your child himself- it's a work in progress.

Bolded mine.

I am new to this having a boy thing as I had DD first, but until they are more of a kid than a baby, I don't see much difference between the sexes. Babies are babies, whether they have a penis or not. Caring for your baby in the way that makes you feel whole should be the goal. Not attending to a babies cries or thinking they are manipulating the parent is not right, and it doesn't matter the sex of the child. The whole "little man" theory of raising a boy is just odd to me. Would you refer to a girl child as a little woman? Not usually.

Basically, I see clingy children (male or female) as constantly looking for approval. The typical "mama's boy" will do anything to please his mom, right? Well, if the child learns from an early age that their parents love them, respect them, and approve of them, then they won't constantly be seeking that approval in adolescence or adulthood. When kids don't get it as infants it may manifest itself as the "mama's boy" in males, but in females it is much scarier. They can become promiscuous or otherwise constantly searching for love. Not saying boys don't do this as well (cus I have seen it happen) but it is more obvious in women.


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## Red Pajama (Jun 11, 2007)

As a mother, I feel that it is my job to parent in a way that feels right to me, and helps my children grow into healthy adults. I often remind myself that I'm not raising children-- I'm raising somebody's spouse, somebody's parent. I need to help them become healthy adults. Many times, the behaviors most desired in adults are troublesome in children (independent thinking, strong sense of personal direction, perserverence...). Independence is something a child grows into of their own time. You don't have to distance youself (emotionally, physically, psychologically) from your baby in order to achieve it.

The term "mama's boy" is such a strange thing. Clearly it's derogatory, but what does it really mean? If it's not carried to an extreme, in which a relationship with one's mother eclipses all other relationships, I think "Mama's boys" make great men. When someone mentioned that one of my twins seemed to be a mama's boy, I simply responded "well, they do make the best husbands."


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## Surfer Rosa (Jun 3, 2005)

AP isn't about creating dependencies; it's about being responsive to your child's needs (and your needs!).

You don't have to babywear or BF forever, or nurse your baby to sleep. You just need to be open to following your DCs cues. My DD (now 4) is very independent, and has been since the beginning. DS (1) is much more attached, but I'd say that has to do with his personality rather than AP principles.

I think North Americans, and Americans especially, place too much importance on "independence" (and it's a eird notion of independence to boot). It's like a point of pride-and a competition-from day 1. (Everything from sleeping through the night to being a self-made-success).

I tend to follow the "it takes a village" approach, and I also recognize that the infant-young child stage goes by so quickly...so I am embracing the closeness to my little ones. I know that if I give them opportunities and love them unconditionally, they will find the confidence to do what they want and need to because they are secure in themselves. I have no doubts that the work I put in while they were babies (and continue to put in) will pay off!


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

We did intense AP the first year and got a ton of comments about 'always holding that baby' but DD is now very independent and exudes quiet confidence now that is often remarked upon 'she's so social, she loves people, has no fear' etc...

So I think there's something to be said for knowing momma's got your back.

Babies need to be held. They need to know someone will come when they cry. Particularly the first year. After the first year, AP gets a little murky for me b/c the baby is no longer a baby, but I do think AP is the way to go the first year. At least for as much as you can stand







AP can definitely be demanding and I was sometimes frustrated with it, but I do think the results speak for themselves.

And one thing I would mention on more mainstream parenting choices, they often do not reflect the realities or needs of breastfeeding infants. Sleeping through the night really doesn't happen with breastfeeding. You can cry it out all you want with a breastfed baby, but if they are hungry they aren't going to sleep. And mainstream philosophies often push early nightweaning which I don't think is appropriate.

V


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Here are some great articles from mothering that might shed some more light on what AP means and the scientifically proven effects of practicing this style of parenting.
http://www.mothering.com/science-att...cal-roots-love

Quote:

Attunement, in the simplest terms, means following baby's cues. Babies have their own spontaneous expressions of themselves. When you pay attention to these expressions you communicate that you understand what they are doing, feeling, and even thinking.24 This assists brain development and creates a foundation for the negotiation of all social interactions.
http://www.mothering.com/science-mot...mothers-wisdom

http://www.mothering.com/parenting/a...-everyday-life

Quote:

Contrary to popular misconception, it is by our nuturing of our children and meeting their needs that they grow into strong, compassionate, and independent people.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

My kids are in middle childhood now and I see the benefits very clearly.

Children can be independent only when they are firmly rooted in attachment. Kids are free to be who they truly are only when they don't have to worry about attachment. Attachment is a primal need. If attachment needs aren't satisfied, the child will expend all their energy on monitoring attachment. Our society pushes independence far too soon.

The best example, really, is our ds. Ds is a cautious, sensitive introvert. He's prone to anxiety as well (it's genetic in our case). When he was a preschooler, he was very uncomfortable away from his parents. He did go to daycare 3x a week, but it took a long time transitioning. He was in a loving, caring place with the same teachers for 4+ years. He took a year to warm up to the teachers. He wouldn't talk to people outside the family. I think some of our neighbors thought something was wrong with him because they never heard him talk. We would go places and he would watch from the sidelines, clutching our sides. I would despair of his ever joining in.

Fast forward to 1st grade at our local public school. (He went to K at his daycare because we thought he needed another year in a familiar environment.) Ds hopped on the school bus without a look back. He was nervous, no question, but he was determined to do this himself. I wanted to go meet him at the other end, but nope, he wanted to do this himself. He's now a quiet leader a lot of the time in school. He still doesn't talk much to people outside the family, but he's a creative, independent thinker. 2 years ago, he wouldn't go over to the neighbor's house across the street to ask if they could play. This year, he'll happily ride his bike 2+ blocks to see if his friend can play.

All of this makes me much more confident in our not pushing him to be independent too soon. When he was ready, he did it on his own.

It's not always been easy - there is a delicate dance between pushing gently to see if a child is ready and throwing them in too soon. Sometimes we did push too hard.

Ds will never be an extrovert. He'll always be cautious. He'll sometimes be prone to anxiety. But he also feels very comfortable telling us what's on his mind. As he grows and matures, he's willing to take on more risks and more independent thought. He's developing into a thoughtful, interesting child.


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## mrsdocmartin (Nov 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mrsboyko* 
Bolded mine.

I am new to this having a boy thing as I had DD first, but until they are more of a kid than a baby, I don't see much difference between the sexes. Babies are babies, whether they have a penis or not. Caring for your baby in the way that makes you feel whole should be the goal. Not attending to a babies cries or thinking they are manipulating the parent is not right, and it doesn't matter the sex of the child. *The whole "little man" theory of raising a boy is just odd to me. Would you refer to a girl child as a little woman? Not usually.*

Basically, I see clingy children (male or female) as constantly looking for approval. The typical "mama's boy" will do anything to please his mom, right? Well, if the child learns from an early age that their parents love them, respect them, and approve of them, then they won't constantly be seeking that approval in adolescence or adulthood. When kids don't get it as infants it may manifest itself as the "mama's boy" in males, but in females it is much scarier. They can become promiscuous or otherwise constantly searching for love. Not saying boys don't do this as well (cus I have seen it happen) but it is more obvious in women.

I agree so much with the bolded part. It makes me absolutely LIVID when people act like my two year old should act like a little man. He is every bit as much of a baby as a little girl is. He is two and has a right to cry and be scared and want his mama.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

You can respond to your children and do all the AP "stuff" while providing a safe environment where they can learn to do things on their own.


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## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

When you note the difference between a toddler who is soothed to sleep at the breast and a toddler who was left to cry himself to sleep in a plastic crib as an infant, you will feel confident in the AP lifestyle!


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## tootaloo78 (Nov 21, 2007)

I didn't intend to be an AP parent when I had my now three year old son. Common sense told me breastmilk was best, so I nursed. I couldn't stand the thought of putting him in another room all alone at night, so he slept in the room with us. Listening to him cry for me in the dark at night made me want to vomit, so crying it out was not an option.

I am an overprotective, sometimes unreasonably hovering mama bear and my son has turned out to be one of the most independent kids I've ever seen in my life. He falls down and scrapes his knee and shoves me away if I try to comfort him. He moved into his own bed in his own room at two years old. He doesn't mind being away from me, in fact he spends every Friday night with my parents. Sometimes I wish he _was_ a mama's boy, just for a couple of years or so, but no such luck. Just my two cents worth!


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Some of it absolutely did not work with my kids and it would have been damaging to pretend it did.

But unfortunately, there's really no discussing specifics without violating the UA.


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## flower01 (Aug 1, 2007)

I kind of think your concerns are unrelated to AP. A baby's cry signals it's "needs," not it's wants. I think the biggest concept that has guided my AP thinking versus mainstream techniques is the idea that babies manipulate their parents. Completely get rid of that idea...attend to your baby when it needs you...and take care of yourself. Allow your child opportunities to be independent when you see it happening...my daughter makes it very clear when she wants to do something by herself. I don't fight it - i make sure she is safe and then let her do her thing. I see non-ap parents trying to "control" their kids...and that to me leads to more clinginess than anything.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carter'sMummy* 
Also, im wondering about the "just let him cry" arguement. My cousin was recently visting with her 5 1/2 month old son, now when she put him down to sleep, he would cry for about 5-10 minutes and then stop. Is that right? I mean is that the best thing for him to become independant?

People have already addressed this, but I find the inclusion of "5 1/2 month old" and "independent" in the same concept totally bizarre. A baby is dependent. They just are. They can't walk or talk or feed themselves. All they can do for themselves is let the people around them know they need something. The closest they _can_ be to independent is when they're crying or otherwise letting someone know what they need, because they have _no_ other way to get those needs met!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mrsboyko* 
The whole "little man" theory of raising a boy is just odd to me. Would you refer to a girl child as a little woman? Not usually.

Somewhat OT, but I do use the expression "little man" and it has nothing to do with thinking ds2 shouldn't cry, should be tough, or whatever. I don't subscribe to the "little man theory" of raising boys, but I do call him "little man". I don't call either of my daughters "little woman", because that phrase carries a very negative connotation for me (outside of Louisa May Alcott, I've only ever heard it used to talk in a dismissive fashion about a man's wife).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EFmom* 
Take what you want and leave the rest.

Some of it absolutely did not work with my kids and it would have been damaging to pretend it did.

But unfortunately, there's really no discussing specifics without violating the UA.

All of this.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:

When you note the difference between a toddler who is soothed to sleep at the breast and a toddler who was left to cry himself to sleep in a plastic crib as an infant, you will feel confident in the AP lifestyle!
And what difference is that you've noticed in toddlerhood? I find toddlerhood to be less than stellar time to find confidence, IME.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Carter's Mommy, here is an editorial you might enjoy about long-term effects:

http://www.mothering.com/lees-bed

From our Statement of Purpose:

Quote:

Mothering celebrates the experience of parenthood as worthy of one's best efforts and fosters awareness of the immense importance and value of family life in the development of the full human potential of parents and children. At Mothering we recognize parents as experts and seek to provide truly helpful information upon which parents can make informed choices. Mothering is both a fierce advocate of the needs and rights of the child and a gentle supporter of the parents, and we encourage decision-making that considers the needs of all family members. We explore the reality of human relationships in the family setting, recognizing that raising the heirs of our civilization well is the prerequisite for a healthy society.

Mothering advocates natural family living, including the ancient way of being with babies and children that is known today as attachment parenting. This way is reliant on the inherent integrity of children and the inviolate intuition of parents. The family is the dominion of parents and children and authoritative knowledge rests with them. This website is a place to safely explore all the aspects involved in such a parenting philosophy.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Honestly? I did all the AP stuff the first year....coslept, nursed on demand, wore him instead of using a stroller, never ever ever CIO (I think it's a terrible, awful, horribly disturbing thing). I am extremely glad that i did it and i believe that spending so much time and investing so much emotional energy into ds has helped him to excel now in so many ways. But as we've moved into the toddler phase, I'm noticing that some AP things work for him and some don't. Like a pp, I can't be too specific without getting in trouble on here. But I try to stay educated about attachment parenting and then try different methods to see which one produces a happy, secure child. To me it matters more the end result of a happy child with plenty of confidence and a good relationship with his mom than the precise means of achieving it. All kids are different, so no one method is going to exactly suit every single child.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

attachment parenting is a philosophical approach that puts strong attachment between a child and his caregivers as the central guide to parenting. Many AP methods - co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, babywearing, etc are just methods - they don't work for every family or every child. The key is for the caregivers to really pay attention to the infant and child and determine what works best for that specific child to develop a strong, nurturing, respectful, and loving relationship.

Keeping a child dependent is not AP - in fact, by giving a child a strong base, s/he feels more able to explore their world because they know if they don't succeed, they have a soft place to land.

Being responsive to each individual child and their needs is modelling and demonstrating deep respect for the child. And it is not the same as letting the child do whatever s/he wants - the parent has the obligatiion to learn when boundaries are needed, when distraction or redirection would be appropriate, or when to let a child explore and possibly get a little hurt. The parent/caregiver knows the child, their abilities, personality, temperment - as a result of the two way attachment between the child and caregivers.

I think the biggest thing that AP gives (and sometimes gets forgotten) is that AP is not abut silver bullet solutions to parenting challenges. It is instead an entire philosophical approach that can be used to make us better people and help us raise our children with love and respect.


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## FallingLeaves (Nov 30, 2006)

Following AP doesn't create mama's boys. In fact, my 4 yo and 18 mo are the most independent children I know. When my 4 yo started gymnastics at age 2, she was the only child who didn't cry for her mama. My 18 month old likes to do everything for herself. She refuses help, even when she needs it. People who haven't educated themselves on AP philosophies tend to think AP creates dependent children, but it's actually the exact opposite.

And in regards to CIO, I think it's a horrible practice the mainstream parents have created for their own convenience. Letting children cry alone breaks the trust that the child has for the parent. They don't stop crying because they have learned independence. They stop crying because they have given up and they know that no one is coming to meet their needs.

Loving and nurturing your children, and making them feel safe and secure, doesn't create dependent children, it gives them the confidence to be independent!


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flower01* 
A baby's cry signals it's "needs," not it's wants. I think the biggest concept that has guided my AP thinking versus mainstream techniques is the idea that babies manipulate their parents. Completely get rid of that idea...attend to your baby when it needs you...and take care of yourself. Allow your child opportunities to be independent when you see it happening...

Yes. Yes.

Sometimes I think the term "Attachment Parenting" can mislead people who are not familiar with it. It is not about forced or prolonged attachment. It is not about fostering a sense of dependency. It is actually often quite the opposite. It is about meeting emotional needs of babies and children by providing a foundation of security and respect.

First, you need to re-center the thinking on babies. Babies are really "cave babies". Babies don't "know" the things we know. When they call out in the night, what they are saying is "I've woken to find myself alone. I could be in danger! What if there is a wild animal out there? What if it gets cold? If my mother is gone, how will I eat? Oh, NO! This is life threatening! And all I can do to save myself is cry! Help! HELP!" They don't "know" that they are safe in the room next door in their comfy bed just a few feet from you. They just know they are alone and completely helpless and don't know if anybody is out there at all. So they cry. If you understand this, answering their cry is a logical and loving thing to do. It is not a manipulation.

Though how it manifests changes, the idea stays the same. The idea of telling your child through actions and deeds "I am here to care for you, protect you, nurture you and I will be all the time." Once the crying baby in the night sees she is not alone afterall and mommy is here, she settles right down. After the toddler sees that he is heard and understood, after the pre-schooler knows that if he falls or is scared of thunder that parents will be kind and loving and help them, after the child sees that when the ball game was lost she is still special, after the teen who is grappling with identity and wondering where he belongs, after they all see that their parents are there, caring, protecting, nurturing, all the time, they are able to see what was happening, come to terms with it and move on. THAT is true independence. Being able and ready to move on to the next stage.

So AP is about establishing this listening relationship in infancy by understanding a baby's cries as descriptions of need and it establishes this listening and respectful relationship as time goes on. Sometimes the need is to hold them close. Sometimes the need is to give them a nudge to push themselves and do more than what they thought they could. And often, it is about giving them wings and a safe place to try them out. But it is never pushing them out in the cold, feeling that they are alone. Alone is not independent. Independence is the confidence and ability to solve problems for yourself. That can still include love, mutual repect, caring, and asking others for help when you need it. Alone is just... alone







.

Independence is a slow process. You have 18 years to get there. You don't need to do it all at once.

As for the "AP checklist"- they are just guides... suggestions. The breastfeeding and the babywearing and the co-sleeping and all that... They are all borne of the idea that these things reduce the amount of physical (and following, the emotional) distance between you and the baby. And, being close enables you to "hear" them better, to answer the needs and for them to know YOU and your limits and needs as well. Of course, not every thing works for every family, and "not doing everything" doesn't mean that somehow you are "kicked out of the club". If you are there, listening, connecting... that is the idea.

Sometimes it can seem overwhelming or even "martyr-ish" because at first it is easy to slide in to a mindset of "do EVERYTHING for the baby, even if it kills me!" because, especially the first time around, it is not easy to rate a baby's cry and needs so everything seems high priority and your "bag of tricks" hasn't had a lot of experience to fill itself on. ANd, as babies near the end of that first year, they DO start getting "wants" (though often the wants contain some measure of need... the baby that "wants" to splash in the dog bowl is really learning, which is a need. Just we need them to do it a different way!). And, there is no way around that the process can be demanding. But AP is NOT about martyr-ing yourself. If something isn't working, try something else that can satisfy you both. And, if that is impossible, then you need to determine whose needs are more severe for each issue. If the baby wakes often during the night and mom is sick or needs sleep for depression or whatever, then instead of bf all the time, a bottle and daddy in the night might be what needs to happen, even if the baby would rather nurse, they are still comforted and fed. If co-sleeping is ruining your marriage, how about a crib in the same room? Really, there are so many times when a half-way can work wonders.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JL'smom* 
They don't stop crying because they have learned independence. They stop crying because they have given up and they know that no one is coming to meet their needs.

This is so so true. They don't "learn" to sleep on their own. They just learn that nobody is going to respond to their cries. I am so horrified by how proud a lot parents are of themselves for doing this to their babies. It just makes me feel sad for the babies.









I have basically AP'd my six year old from birth. (I don't really like to call it AP, bc it's really just what has come naturally to me. It is pretty much what came naturally to my mother long before anyone talked about AP, though her doctor told her that if her nipples hurt she had to stop nursing.







) And, he is as independant as any six year old I know. When we go to playgroup or a friend's house, he will go off and play and if I didn't check on him, I think he'd just be on his own for hours at a time.

And as for the "mama's boy" thing. Ugh. While I don't necessarily want my son to be a "mama's boy", I'm not thrilled with any of the other mainstream versions of masculinity I see in this culture. I certainly don't want my boys to be whatever it is that is opposite mama's boy.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia* 
And what difference is that you've noticed in toddlerhood? I find toddlerhood to be less than stellar time to find confidence, IME.

I have to agree here! All my kids were soothed and breastfed to sleep and co-slept. They were (are) still heck on wheels!!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I try not to parent out of fear, but out of love.

So I don't really worry about whether my son will be a "mama's boy" or not. So what if he is (worst case scenario)?

I'll love him, and if he finds himself needing help to develop more courage or take martial arts to feel confident physically or whatever, then we'll do that. I will not worry about it in advance.

Meantime I try to provide a safe and loving and caring home. In the early years for me that was all about cosy cuddles and food on demand and not leaving a child to feel abandoned.

I do think independence is important and that it comes in small steps, but I also tend not to worry about it with kids who can't wipe their own bums yet. As far as I can tell most kids are wired to grow more independent and if they get stuck, I'll step in at that point.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

I haven't read all the replies, so maybe this has already been mentioned.

My understanding and experience is that children don't need to be taught or encouraged to be independent. When they are ready for independence in an area they will insist upon it. Meeting their needs for connection and security helps get them there. Sometimes what masks as independence is really dependence upon peers, which sets kids up for all kinds of issues. This can happen when parents don't meet early dependency needs and kids ae forced to look elsewhere to have those needs met.

The book Hold on to Your Kids explains the relationship between attachment and connection with parents and the development of true independence. I highly recommend it.

(feeding AK, sorry for the brevity.)


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## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia* 
And what difference is that you've noticed in toddlerhood? I find toddlerhood to be less than stellar time to find confidence, IME.

My toddlers were outgoing and adventuresome - not afraid of new experiences because they knew they could always come to me for comfort when they were upset or scared. People always commented on how gregarious and secure my kids were/are compared to children who were left to cry in cribs and whose needs were not met in an effort to teach them a lesson.

The whole point of CIO is to teach the child that mother will not come, despite how upset and hysterical they get. I don't necessary think that's a very confidence-boosting lesson for infants or young children.

When a baby's needs are consistently met, and the child KNOWS deep in his soul that his mother will never shun him, ignore him or poo-poo his cries, he feels more confident exploring his world.


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## Shera971 (Nov 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
When you note the difference between a toddler who is soothed to sleep at the breast and a toddler who was left to cry himself to sleep in a plastic crib as an infant, you will feel confident in the AP lifestyle!

IMO there are many variations between the two examples you gave.

I have taken some ideas from the AP philosophy but I am definitely mainstream compared to most people here. I think that trying to do everything according to the "rules" of AP (or whatever parenting philosophy you follow) can sometimes backfire. Do what feels right for you and your family. If your children feel loved and secure (however you instill them) they will grow up and become independent. Sometimes trying to reach the goal of perfect motherhood with perfect independent children can get in the way of simply enjoying the ride. Just my two cents.


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *averlee* 
First, I think attachment parenting is an approach for infants. Kids grow out of the baby-wearing and breastfeeding.

I would beg to differ.

Kids never grow out of being told that they are loved. Kids never grow out of being respected as their own person. AP has to do with a lot more than babywearing and breastfeeding. It goes into gentle discipline, education, etc.


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## candipooh (Jun 22, 2004)

I would love to hear what moms of older children think. My kids are 10,8 and 6 and I am getting frustrated that they can not put themselves to bed/sleep. Is it bad to let a 6 year old cry it out,lol.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
I would love to hear what moms of older children think. My kids are 10,8 and 6 and I am getting frustrated that they can not put themselves to bed/sleep. Is it bad to let a 6 year old cry it out,lol.

My kids are 8, 6, 4, and 2. For the most part, they just go upstairs to bed when they are tired and fall asleep. I know this isn't the norm







but it's what usually happens. Even the youngest (who is 29 months) has started to do this. He sleeps with us about half the time now, but has his own bed in his room as well. Just last night he said, "I'm tired" and carried his blanket up the stairs. I was in the kitchen doing dishes so it took me a min. to follow but I expected him to be in my bed (or be playing somewhere), instead he was passed out on his.

Often, I do read to my 4 and 6 yo before bed (my 8 yo prefers to read to herself or out loud to me) so I often go upstairs with them when they are ready to go to sleep... but other nights they just go up on their own and go to sleep. Even though they used to nurse to sleep, and love being next to me, (the 4 yo was nursing pretty much all. night. long until he was 3) they seem to have transitioned to independent falling asleep. I know some people think co-sleeping = a kid who never leaves your bed until college







... but that hasn't been our experience

For my kids, if the older ones were crying and fighting sleep, I would assume they weren't ready for bed b/c when they are truly tired, they tend to have no problem falling asleep.


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## JavaJunkie (Jan 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
I would love to hear what moms of older children think. My kids are 10,8 and 6 and I am getting frustrated that they can not put themselves to bed/sleep. Is it bad to let a 6 year old cry it out,lol.

Well, if my 6 year old was crying at bedtime, I would find out why. He's old enough to express himself. The only reasons he's cried at bedtime in years is because of being sick or all of a sudden getting scared. We work out a solution in those cases, which a lot of times involve sleeping with either dh or me.

That said, the only one of my kids that needs to be parented to sleep every night is the baby. The older ones get tucked in and go to sleep. The 12yo and 6yo share a room. The 4yo just moved into her own bed, in her own room. She still is welcome to sleep with dh or me if she needs to.

Dh and I still meet the kids' needs at night, no matter the age. For the 4&6yo, the needs are usually fears or sickness. The 12yo only gets us up anymore if he's sick. But they all know that they can wake us up for any reason at night, just like they can come to us for any reason during the day and ask for help.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
I would love to hear what moms of older children think. My kids are 10,8 and 6 and I am getting frustrated that they can not put themselves to bed/sleep. Is it bad to let a 6 year old cry it out,lol.

But is this really the parenting method or the personalities of the kids? Honestly, would this be any different at the core of it if you had done something else?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
I do think independence is important and that it comes in small steps, but I also tend not to worry about it with kids who can't wipe their own bums yet.

Well said.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
I would love to hear what moms of older children think. My kids are 10,8 and 6 and I am getting frustrated that they can not put themselves to bed/sleep. Is it bad to let a 6 year old cry it out,lol.

I'm not sure what to think there. My older three are 16, 6 and 4. The 16 year old doesn't put himself to bed very well these days, because he's going through a "stay up all night, go to bed at daybreak, and then be frustrated because I lost the whole next day" phase. (Okay - it's not really daybreak, but he stays up _really_ late.)

However, when he was younger, we developed a somewhat complicated bedtime ritual, including some exact words (a drawn-out kind of "night, night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite" thing), gestures, hugs, kisses, and anywhere from 2 to 12 songs, depending on what I felt up to. After we went through the whole thing, and I closed the door, he almost never called for me again. Sometimes, he was asleep by the time I finished singing. We kept up the ritual, less the singing (usually), until he was 12. He basically told me he was feeling too old for it, but wanted to wait until our move to stop doing it.

My 6 and 4 year olds share a room. Most nights, dh takes them up and brushes their teeth (just checks on dd1), then takes them to bed, and reads them a story. Then, I come up and do a little bit of singing, run through our bedtime routine (much shorter than ds1's was!), tuck them in and say leave. If one of them gets scared, or needs to use the bathroom, or whatever, they call us. That only happens a few times a year, although ds2 did go through a brief phase when I was pregnant with dd2 of frequently wanting someone to come stay with him right until he fell asleep.

So, I'm not sure what kind of sleep issues you're having with your kids, but I haven't experienced any real problems with my older kids...not even dd1, who had the most trouble - by far - with sleep of any of my infants.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JavaJunkie* 
Dh and I still meet the kids' needs at night, no matter the age. For the 4&6yo, the needs are usually fears or sickness. The 12yo only gets us up anymore if he's sick. But they all know that they can wake us up for any reason at night, just like they can come to us for any reason during the day and ask for help.

Yes. This.
I actually had to run to ds1's room a year and a half ago, when he was 15. He woke up sobbing and screaming, from a horrifically painful ear infection (his eardrum ruptured the following day), and wanted someone there. He doesn't need/want his mommy much these days, but I'll be there if he does, even in the middle of the night. (Heck - my mom came to be my "mommy" when I needed her while I was in labour with Aaron...and I was 39!)


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Heck - my mom came to be my "mommy" when I needed her while I was in labour with Aaron...and I was 39!)

This is







.

My parents and I have had a rough history but with both of my labors my mom (and dad) were there. My father left when I started getting too naked (I was in labor for a few days with both kids at home) but kept bringing us food (me and the attendants) and ran to my side after the children were born. My mother stayed up for 2 nights with me and helped clean me up after my labors... my father helped my husband clean up the "birth soup goo" that was in the fishy pool afterwards... which is not really a "fun" thing to do.

I think that being there for your children and being an attached parent lasts forever, as well it should.


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## ians_mommy (Apr 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carter'sMummy* 
I just have some questions about it, forgive me if i havent quite gotten the jist of it right.

But, im on board for it all..its just im wondering how you find the balance between having a dependant child on the parent, but also a independant thinker.

I supposed im thinking of people i know who were supported unconditionally by their parents,especially moms and they're not the most independant people i know by any means. Im concerned my son will turn out the same way, i dont want him to have the mama's boy stigma attatched to him, we can be close...but theres a fine line between a healthy and unhealthy mother-child relationship.

Also, im wondering about the "just let him cry" arguement. My cousin was recently visting with her 5 1/2 month old son, now when she put him down to sleep, he would cry for about 5-10 minutes and then stop. Is that right? I mean is that the best thing for him to become independant? Im just not sure where the line gets drawn, it makes sense for me to be able to be there for everything he needs, its my responsibility, but i dont want a mama's boy.

Hmmm...I wish my mother would have supported me unconditionally or allowed be to be dependent on her. Yes, I am an independant thinker...but to a fault. I find it hard to trust others and cannot ask for help. I hold everyone at arms length expecting that they will fail me.

So with my DS it will be different. If he is a "mama's boy" - so be it! I hope he always trusts that if falls/cries/needs encouragement (no matter what his age), his parents will love and support him. That is a life lesson that is far more important than anyone else's opinion of my parenting.


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## Shera971 (Nov 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I actually had to run to ds1's room a year and a half ago, when he was 15..... He doesn't need/want his mommy much these days, but I'll be there if he does, even in the middle of the night.

Last night I asked DS (who is 4) if he'll always want to cuddle with me. We made a fun little game of it: How about when you're 8? yes mommy - How about when you're 16? yes! - 32? yes! 59? YES! Every time we cuddle (which honestly is A LOT) I always cherish it because I know one day I'm going to get "Aw ma, I'm too big for that!" LOL


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

My first thought is "Why would anyone expect a 5 month old to be independent?" It's more for the parent's convenience than for the child's own good. I think you are asking for trouble when you try to force independence.


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## JavaJunkie (Jan 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shera971* 
Last night I asked DS (who is 4) if he'll always want to cuddle with me. We made a fun little game of it: How about when you're 8? yes mommy - How about when you're 16? yes! - 32? yes! 59? YES! Every time we cuddle (which honestly is A LOT) I always cherish it because I know one day I'm going to get "Aw ma, I'm too big for that!" LOL

My DS6 has told me on more than one occasion that he wants to live with dh and I forever. I told him that's just fine with us.









Yes, he could end up being 28 and living in our basement, but if he does, I doubt it will be because I told him when he was 6 that he could live with us forever.


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## candipooh (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JavaJunkie* 
Well, if my 6 year old was crying at bedtime, I would find out why. He's old enough to express himself. The only reasons he's cried at bedtime in years is because of being sick or all of a sudden getting scared. We work out a solution in those cases, which a lot of times involve sleeping with either dh or me.

That said, the only one of my kids that needs to be parented to sleep every night is the baby. The older ones get tucked in and go to sleep. The 12yo and 6yo share a room. The 4yo just moved into her own bed, in her own room. She still is welcome to sleep with dh or me if she needs to.

Dh and I still meet the kids' needs at night, no matter the age. For the 4&6yo, the needs are usually fears or sickness. The 12yo only gets us up anymore if he's sick. But they all know that they can wake us up for any reason at night, just like they can come to us for any reason during the day and ask for help.

Why does my 6 year old cry if I leave her room when she is still awake? She just wants me with her. It is a comfort thing, like needing a certain toy to be able to sleep. I am her "toy" I have been next to her when she falls asleep 99.9% of her entire life of sleep.

We do teeth/face and story time and then bed. I usually end up reading until the 6 and 8 year old are asleep. If I am too tired to read for an hour or more then I end up getting in bed with 6 year old and falling asleep. If I do that I rarely get up in the night to go to my own bed.

My 10 year old (all three share a room) has a hard time falling asleep and just wants me there. She does get a little scared at times.

I don't mind that they need me to tuck them in and read/sing to them. But I want to be able to tell them goodnight and then go sleep in my OWN BED!!!!! My husband is such a great guy, he works so hard for all of us. He doesn't say anything but I can tell it is hard on him to not have me next to him when he wakes up at 4am to go to work.

It is soooo much easier to AP a baby than it is an older child.

Quote:

But is this really the parenting method or the personalities of the kids?
Yes it could just be their personalities. But I am the type that always wonders if I am to blame. From lice to dead pets to Sensory Processing Disorder to cavities. Because it all must be my fault right?


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## Epona (Jul 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
The whole point of CIO is to teach the child that mother will not come, despite how upset and hysterical they get.

No, that's the very sad by-product of CIO. The whole point is teaching them to self soothe.


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## HunaMama (Aug 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fridgeart* 
AP isn't about creating dependencies; it's about being responsive to your child's needs (and your needs!).

I'm with you on this. And, I think the balance swings from more baby needs focused when they're small to moving back towards more of your needs getting equal focus. The dependencies come up when the child is allowed to continue only focusing on their own needs even though they've reached a comprehension level that can understand the needs of others.

When they can get that others have needs but see that their mother's needs are only their own - that she doesn't require anything of them - then the dependency develops.

That's my two cents before a very late bed time! Dang these boards are addictive!


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## JennTheMomma (Jun 19, 2008)

My son is 2 years old, and while I don't know what kind of teenager or man he'll be he has a pretty independant personality right now even though we are AP. We still co-sleep, babywear (when he wants), gentle discipline, etc. I actually think that AP parenting helps your kids become more independant than dependant. I think it also shows them respect and how to treat others nicely. I think TP parenting makes kids not understand feelings of others and maybe why we have a lot of bullies (I don't know for sure, just my observation). I don't agree with CIO at any age, and certainly not for a 5 1/2 month old. He/she has no idea that its time for bed, etc.


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## lunabelly (Jan 4, 2007)

My dd is 12, and I wasn't an ap parent with her as an infant/toddler (which I regret). My ds is 28 months, and I have been an AP parent with him.

Dd is not outgoing at all. She has a really hard time making conversation with people she doesn't know. Even as a lo, she wouldn't ask other kids to play with her or try to play with them. She won't ask her teachers for help when she doesn't understand the lesson. It's very frustrating for me, but I know it's partly because of the way I parented her. She wanted to badly to co-sleep, and I wish I had let her!

Ds is still nursing, he sleeps with us, spends time in the Ergo. Dh and I take turns getting him to sleep at night. I've never spanked him or let him cio. I don't use time-outs -- we use time-ins.

He is completely different from his sister. He is so confident! He walks up to anyone, anywhere, and chats them up. He makes friends easily. He has no problem asking for what he needs and is incredibly independent. I think he's going to have a much easier time, socially, and I'm sure it's because he feels more secure at home.

I have to add, though, that dd and ds have different dads, so there's a whole mix of different genes that are contributing to their personality differences, but I truly believe that dd would be a much more independent girl if I had been an ap parent from the beginning. Trying to make up for lost time now.


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## candipooh (Jun 22, 2004)

lunabelly my 10 year old sounds like your 12 year old and she has been AP'ed from the time she was born


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

You've gotten lots of great advice, I just wanted to hop in and say.....


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## lunabelly (Jan 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
lunabelly my 10 year old sounds like your 12 year old and she has been AP'ed from the time she was born









Thanks, Candipooh. That's reassuring. I know dd will be fine, but it's hard not to get frustrated and blame myself.

I guess that's a tip for the OP: No matter what parenting route you choose, there will be things you'll wish you'd done better. Don't be too hard on yourself; Our LOs are always giving us more chances to get it right.


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## womenswisdom (Jan 5, 2008)

The most important job of the infant is to form a secure attachment to their primary caregiver. This gives him a base from which to explore the world and he knows that his basic needs will always be met. It seems to me that preventing that attachment from occuring would be more likely to lead to what we think of as a "mama's boy", an older child or adult who is overly dependent upon his mother, since he is still seeking the attachment he did not get in childhood.


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## Carter'sMummy (May 28, 2009)

hi ladies....soooooooo sorry i didnt respond! im shameful to admit i forgot about this thread i started!









thank you so much for you explanations and stories, i was unfortunately not well educated on the subject, but i got it now









proud to say im a newbie ap mommy







carters a breastfeeding, learning to babywear, doesnt get to cry outside my arms for more than 30 seconds baby...i could do massages more, i only do twice a week after his baths, but im working towards being a better person too so i can be the best mother i can

i apologize again for my ignorance...i was still pregnant, now i realize how different it is when your baby is out!


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

You will never look back and wish you had held or comforted your child LESS.

Follow your gut and don't worry about independence.


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## Aquafina (Oct 2, 2006)

Quote:

Basically, I see clingy children (male or female) as constantly looking for approval. The typical "mama's boy" will do anything to please his mom, right? Well, if the child learns from an early age that their parents love them, respect them, and approve of them, then they won't constantly be seeking that approval in adolescence or adulthood. When kids don't get it as infants it may manifest itself as the "mama's boy" in males, but in females it is much scarier. They can become promiscuous or otherwise constantly searching for love. Not saying boys don't do this as well (cus I have seen it happen) but it is more obvious in women.

Not trying to debate but this is FAR FAR from the truth.I was very AP with my second child,Bf,wore in a wrap all the time,never away from,cosleep.Very hands on and there for him with one wimper.Read every book on AP,subscribed to mothering & I produced a very clingy mommas boy.

My first child I formula feed,I never wore him,and let him cio and he is by far the most independent little man ever.

IMHO I do think AP makes for some clingy kids.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carter'sMummy* 
hi ladies....soooooooo sorry i didnt respond! im shameful to admit i forgot about this thread i started!









thank you so much for you explanations and stories, i was unfortunately not well educated on the subject, but i got it now









proud to say im a newbie ap mommy







carters a breastfeeding, learning to babywear, doesnt get to cry outside my arms for more than 30 seconds baby...i could do massages more, i only do twice a week after his baths, but im working towards being a better person too so i can be the best mother i can

i apologize again for my ignorance...i was still pregnant, now i realize how different it is when your baby is out!









Congratulations of your new babe!!


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## Carter'sMummy (May 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QueenOfTheMeadow* 
Congratulations of your new babe!!









thank you very much, hes 10 weeks tomorrow


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Aquafina* 
Not trying to debate but this is FAR FAR from the truth.I was very AP with my second child,Bf,wore in a wrap all the time,never away from,cosleep.Very hands on and there for him with one wimper.Read every book on AP,subscribed to mothering & I produced a very clingy mommas boy.

My first child I formula feed,I never wore him,and let him cio and he is by far the most independent little man ever.

IMHO I do think AP makes for some clingy kids.

Or, your kids could just have 2 different personalities. I had two babies 14 months apart and parented them the exact same way. One child is "clingier" than the other (although I never think of it in that particualr term). That doesn't mean AP doesn't "work." It means I gave birth to two human beings.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
Children can be independent only when they are firmly rooted in attachment. Kids are free to be who they truly are only when they don't have to worry about attachment.

Agreed. My kids are 11 and 13 and the baby stage is not the time to work independance. It's a whole different stage, and when it comes it's bitter sweet. My older DD asked me to help me enter her teacher's email addresses in address book, so that when she has a question she won't need me. All those years of co-sleeping and BFing and the kid is working me out of job! She does her own laundry and gets up to her own alarm.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
I would love to hear what moms of older children think. My kids are 10,8 and 6 and I am getting frustrated that they can not put themselves to bed/sleep. Is it bad to let a 6 year old cry it out,lol.

I think it's time to let them know that you are done putting them to sleep and that you have faith in them. Get really clear in your own head first, buy them flash lights (or whatever) and just be done with it. There is a difference between AP and just not showing faith in your kids. Six is old enough (unless she is ill, has a tramatic event, etc.) As they get older, it's helpful for kids when we believe in them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jennifer3141* 
Or, your kids could just have 2 different personalities.

My kids have very different personalities and have been more high maintenance at different ages. AP doesn't determine your child's personality, it's just lets them know that it's safe for them to be themselves and that they are loved unconditionally. There isn't a parenting recipe book that you can follow to have your kid turn out a certain way.

Anyone who thinks so either isn't being honest or doesn't have much experience with children!


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

I believe in FOSTERING my children's independence, not forcing it.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Well, I think this is why some people say AP applies best to infancy. I really do need to read up on what MDC's definition of attachment parenting is.

There was never any one thing that got my kids to sleep through the night every time I desperately needed them to. I think parenting babies and toddlers is just tremendously HARD, no matter what your philosophy is. I think every mom is going to have dark moments of despair.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Found this at the Mothering site:

Quote:

Parents of securely attached children have the ability to make themselves available to their child for comfort and support when she needs them (called a safe haven), and to allow her the freedom to follow her curiosity and explore her world in safe ways when she is ready to (called a secure base). This secure relationship gives the child confidence that someone will be available to help her when she needs it. She develops a model of other people as dependable, and of herself as deserving of loving care. These models of the self and of others form the foundation of health that the securely attached baby will carry with her for life.

-excerpted from "Attachment Theory in Everyday Live," by Lauren Lindsey Porter,Mothering issue no. 154, May-June 2009. ©Mothering Magazine, Inc., 2009


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## DeChRi (Apr 19, 2002)

nak...and have not read all of the replies yet.

I just wanted to say that I am the result of AP parenting, also have a 10yo and an almost 2 yo. I remember at a young age (4-5 maybe?) loving going to spend days with my grandmas....loved loved preschool....being fine running around and doing anything on my own. I remember having distinct thoughts at a young age that mom would always be there after whatever I was doing. First day of school I was so excited and soo nervous. But I remember sitting at my desk and thinking...cant wait to tell mom what I did that day. I believe that attachment I had at a young age gave me the foundation to know mom was always going to be there, so I was safe to wander as I chose.

I do think some things work for some kids and not for others. DD1 coslept great for 5 years, nursed for 4. DD2 hated cosleeping, and now at age 2 we are started some gentle mother encouraged weaning because it is not working for either of us at this point.

What I noticed with my 10yo was that she craved independence. Almost like...yes mom, I get that you are here for me, now let me go do some stuff. My 2 yo is getting to be that same way already.

I guess my point is, it is not one size fits all, but it does breed children that feel safe enough in thier mamas love to go be independent.


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Aquafina* 
I think the advice that my great grandmother gave me about if you spoil a baby you will cause a a problem in the future is right on.

I do not believe that you can spoil a baby.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I want to remind everyone that MDC is

Quote:

MDC serves an online community of parents, families, and parent, child and *family advocates considering, learning, practicing, and advocating attachment parenting* and natural family living.
Please keep the Mothering mission statement in mind when posting.


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## Shera971 (Nov 26, 2008)

I believe that you can't spoil a baby. But I believe that a parent's AP responses to their child need to be changed to accomodate the child as he/she grows and enters other stages in life. A small infant has many NEEDS that a parent should respond to but as a child grows older, WANTS come into the picture as well. When my son was a baby, I fed him whenever he was hungry but now that he is 4 he should able to wait for his cookie for a few minutes while I finish up with my email or whatever. Or he could even go grab it himself.

I don't know, does that make any sense?


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shera971* 
I believe that you can't spoil a baby. But I believe that a parent's AP responses to their child need to be changed to accomodate the child as he/she grows and enters other stages in life. ...
I don't know, does that make any sense?


Totally makes sense. And it keeps changing as kids get older. I stay connected to my 13 year old by reading books she likes and talking to her respectfully. But I also have her do her own laundry and keep track of her own school work.

The message that kids take into the teen years from having been APed when they were little is that we are always here for them and we take their feelings seriously. So many parents try to convence their teens of this, but we have a chance to prove it to our kids when they are babies.


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