# baby loss v. pregnancy loss



## purposefulmother (Feb 28, 2007)

Something has really been bothering me IRL so I'm just venting a little bit. A friend of mine had a m/c at 7 weeks. She named the baby and everything. She invited some people to a little memorial service she had at her house. I've had m/c, and I AM sympathetic. My problem is this. We lost a fullterm baby shortly after birth. She keeps saying to me, "you know how it is, you lost a baby too." I just have to get this off my chest: a m/c and losing a baby are NOT the same in terms of grief and depth of feeling. They just aren't. I have not come up with any tactful way to let her know how much those "we're in the same club now" type comments hurt me. It's not a contest, but it's not the same thing either. And I feel like a real B for having these thoughts, but they're there. Whew! Ok. Now I think I feel better...







:


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## ElektrykEye (Nov 10, 2006)

Hmm I probably shouldn't respond, but I will anyway. I'm sure it is a very different thing to lose an infant than to have a m/c. However, I feel that it's unfair for you to say anything to her about her loss not being as bad as yours. It's one thing to feel frustrated... no problems with that... but I don't feel that losses should be compared. A loss is a loss and each one of us deals with it differently. It would probably be very hurtful to you if someone said that your loss wasn't as difficult because they lost a teenage child and that's harder than losing an infant... you see how unfair that would be?

I'm really sorry for your loss and I'm glad you can vent here... I just hope you won't tell your friend that her loss is not the same... I think she would feel hurt and invalidated and that's unfair.


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

Purposefulmother, I feel for you. My mother had both a m/c and lost my 7 week old sister to SIDS. She felt there was no comparison either, that losing my sister was far worse. She didn't get very sad about her m/c and she was offended when a coworker berated her for not being sad enough.

I think though, that when people have had only a m/c that maybe its different. Also, some people think of a m/c as not a big deal because they don't connect yet and others feel a huge loss. I can understand what you are saying, but it is tricky I guess, pain is relative. When I went to the infant loss support group I showed pictures of my deceased son and one mother who had had only one 1st tri m/c was so devastated because she had no pictures of her baby. Until that day, I had no idea that miscarriages could cause so much pain.


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

Quote:

A loss is a loss and each one of us deals with it differently.
I agree.

I am so sorry for your loss, but your friend is probably just trying to reach out and feel like she's not the only one who has experienced a loss. It has helped me tremendously to know that there are other women out there, even a few family members and friends I am now finding out, that have experienced a miscarriage or loss and that I'm not the only sad lonely person.

I'm sure it would be much harder to lose a baby the later in your pregnancy you are, and losing a baby after it is born I'm sure is even harder. Losing a child at any point from conception to adulthood is something no parent should experience. I lost a baby at 12 weeks 2 weeks ago. I guess I would say I am glad that if my poor baby had something wrong I am glad they left their little world feeling no pain rather than later when they could feel pain. But that loss is still a loss no matter how early, and I think as women we should support each other and be there for each other no matter what point the loss occurred.


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## purposefulmother (Feb 28, 2007)

Some people might really think that "a loss is a loss" but it's not true. That's not mean or hateful, it's just how it is. It would be like comparing the death of my 95 year old grandma to the death of a 15 year old. One is clearly more tragic, though they both are sad events. You know? I guess I'm coming from a place where I believe that m/c are a natural part of some pregnancies, whereas stillbirth, SIDS, all those things...well, they are just much, much deeper. IME, I have gotten over my mc's, I have peace with the fact that those were not viable pregnancies, but I will never get over the death of my child, it's something I have to learn to live with. I'm NOT saying that mc's are sad, hard, etc. Of course they are. But it's just not the same as losing a child who was here, on earth, held in arms, for however long. Do I support people and try to comfort people who have had a mc, of course I do... I would NEVER say, "well that's nothing, some people have it much worse" or anything. But I just think it's sort of, I don't know, disrespectful for people to equate those kinds of losses.


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

I'm not equating them at all, like I said I have not experienced a full term loss, only a miscarriage...and I am sure it is much harder to lose a baby later on.

But people deal with losses differently, and we should support each other as we are all in an unfortunate "club" that has experienced the loss of a baby.

Like I said I'm sure your friend is not trying to be disrespectful or trying to compare losses, I think she's probably just trying to reach out to someone who has experienced something similar.


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## trini (Sep 20, 2005)

Purposefulmother, I understand completely what you are trying to say. I had a m/c at 8 1/2 weeks and a stillborn son at 38 weeks. Completely different. Completely.

However, I'm not sure if there is anything you can say that won't hurt her. People who haven't been where you are can never know how it feels. And she is grieving right now so what she really needs is your support.

If her comments are hurting you, I'd just give her some space, but probably wouldn't say anything. She wouldn't understand. And let's hope she never does.

(But I just want to reiterate, I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from with this. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear child.)


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## purposefulmother (Feb 28, 2007)

Thanks Trini. I honestly feel like the world's crappiest friend for having these thoughts but I can't stop them. I don't want to feel like this, but here it is. Of course I would never never NEVER say anything to my friend to hurt her. I think I just need to keep my distance from her until I can get a handle on my own feelings. And Trini, I am so sorry for your babies...


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## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

purposefulmother - I understand how you feel as well. I have a co-worker who had a very early miscarriage and is now pregnant again. She knows that my son was stillborn and that I am pregnant again too. And I get the same comments about us being in the same boat and how she feels she can totally relate to me about how difficult this subsequent pregnancy is. I really don't like the comparison at all because, honestly, I don't think our situations were very similar. Miscarriage and stillbirth/infant death are very different things. Very different. I know that miscarriages are very difficult and are indeed a huge loss, but the losses are different. I have decided though, that I can't say anything to her. I don't want to minimize her loss or hurt her, so I have chosen not to say anything.


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## heatherh (Jun 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ElektrykEye* 
However, I feel that it's unfair for you to say anything to her about her loss not being as bad as yours. It's one thing to feel frustrated... no problems with that... but I don't feel that losses should be compared.

You're right that losses should not be compared. That is what the OP's friend is doing to her. Not nice, but PPs are right that it's best to just give her some space since her intentions are good.


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

Quote:

You're right that losses should not be compared. That is what the OP's friend is doing to her.
I guess I just didn't read it that way...to me it did not come across that the OP's friend was trying to say they've had the same loss, but just that they share in the fact they have both experienced a loss. And that probably gave OP's friend a little comfort knowing she wasn't alone.

But I wasn't there for the conversation so I'm not sure how OP's friend stated this. To me it just sounded like she was saying the OP would understand how she was feeling because they had both been through a loss, not that they had been through the exact same thing.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

The loss of a baby is the worst thig. It's the loss of promises for the future, of hopes and expectations. The longer our child is with us, the greater those hopes become.

While I absolutely can't relate to losing a baby once delivered after months and months of feeling her/him move within me, I have lost two little ones in the first trimester. And I had so many hopes for our family, for these angels. When they left me, I was devastated. I wouldn't dream to compare my losses with anyone elses' - they are mine alone. No one can understand how I feel exactly - because each loss is unique to us.

This mama probably doesn't understand how her words are hurting you. I would give her some space. Like you said, this isn't a "my loss was greater than yours" contest. We are all in this awful place together, sharing our sorrows with others who can understand, at least a little.

Take care. I wish you peace.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

To lose a wanted child at any stage is a huge loss.

Please don't play the "I'm entitled to hurt more than you" card. That one sucks.


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Frankiesmom* 
I really don't like the comparison at all because, honestly, I don't think our situations were very similar. Miscarriage and stillbirth/infant death are very different things. Very different. I know that miscarriages are very difficult and are indeed a huge loss, but the losses are different. I have decided though, that I can't say anything to her. I don't want to minimize her loss or hurt her, so I have chosen not to say anything.

I have to agree with this one. If I was in the OPs shoes I wouldnt say anything to the friend--just try to be as supportative as I can, BUT I dont think their situation is the same. Having had a stillbirth, as bad as it is, I wouldnt compare it to infant loss. That dosnt mean her friend shouldnt and doesnt feel tremendous pain either. Either way, its not a cut and dry situation.


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## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gretasmommy* 
The loss of a baby is the worst thig. It's the loss of promises for the future, of hopes and expectations. The longer our child is with us, the greater those hopes become.


I think you said it perfectly.


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## rou16151 (Jun 22, 2006)

Purposeful Mother - I lost a baby girl at 39 weeks and have had two miscarriages. I completely understand how you are feeling. I would be feeling the same. You are not being a "b".


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

I had 2 m/c. My first was at 16 weeks ( my first pregnancy) and was incredibly hard physically ( hemorraging) and mentally. I couldnt imagine any worse pain in the world and it took me a long long time to come to grips.
THAT being said after giving birth to 3 wonderful boys I cant even bear to thing of not having any of them in my life.
I agree that lossing a child so close to delivery would be much worse I can see how she thinks her pain is like yours. If you would have spoken to me 7/10/89 at 2am I would have said the exact same things as she did/does. If you would have asked me 11/18/91 at 10:23 I would have told you something very different.
She cant truely know the pain you feel because she has not walked in your shoes but she doesnt know that.
Does that make sense?


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## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
To lose a wanted child at any stage is a huge loss.

Please don't play the "I'm entitled to hurt more than you" card. That one sucks.

I dont think the OP was playing that card.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

I got this several times from both friends and from strangers who heard about my loss and felt they had to comment to me. And like you, I was so angry it took every ounce of courtesy not to say what was in my heart, which was...

don't compare your heavy period at 7/11/14 weeks to holding your baby in your arms as she gets cold and pale and her heart slows down over a period of hours, having to choose a name in 3 minutes time to be able to baptize her before she passed. And sit before a tiny two foot long coffin and watched it get lowered into the ground while your children and husband and grandma cry all around you. And have your engorged breasts remind you every second in a very real and painful way that you have no baby to soothe the ache. A miscarriage just isn't the same thing. It isn't.







Sure you were sad, I got PTSD, PPD and fight tears back multiple times a day nearly two years later. And I see her sweet face when I wake up and when I go to bed and when I dream.

Flame away. I never said any of these things to people who said it, but what they said to me caused unspeakable pain. But then so did the "friend" who brought her kids to my daughter's funeral wearing shorts and flipflops. "Hey kids, just for fun, lets stop at a funeral on the way to the grocery store."









L


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## woobysma (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purposefulmother* 
It's not a contest, but it's not the same thing either. And I feel like a real B for having these thoughts, but they're there. Whew! Ok. Now I think I feel better...







:

I think your thoughts are totally valid - well, I think all thoughts are, by definition, valid







- and I can imagine I'd feel much the same way you are right now. I wouldn't say anything to my friend, though. She's dealing with her own pain the best way she knows how and maybe it's a comfort for her to think you have an idea of what she's going through.

I have 2 beautiful boys and the thought of losing either of them now is heartbreaking. One of them is 9 and the other 2 and, you know, it wouldn't be any more or less painful to lose either one of them. Neither one would be a "bigger tragedy" just because of their age. In that regard, I think there is a similar sense of loss with a MC and the death of a ft baby. However, I think the attachment you feel for a baby who's moved inside you or cried in your arms is greater - the more memories and shared experiences you have with someone, the more there is to lose, ykwim?

I had a MC at 14 weeks with a baby I know was a little girl (somehow, I just know) and I had named her and actually met a couple of women at my mother's church who I'd chosen to adopt her...... the day before my mc. That loss was torture in a way that's hard to express. I definitely felt a loss and on top of that a strange sort of guilt that not only had a lost "my baby", but I had lost these women's baby, too. It was and still is gut-wrenching to think about.

I'm really glad that no one said anything to diminish that loss, just as I hope that I've never said anything that diminished a loss felt by any of my friends.


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## MoonStarFalling (Nov 4, 2004)

ALL losses are different. We can't assume we're hurting more just because our baby was bigger. It sucks having to pick out burial dresses and a casket but at least I got to see them, hold them. I could come up with so many reasons why my stillbirth was in a way easier than my m/c's. We just can't compare losses period. I could say your pain just doesn't compare to mine because I lost twins but I have never even thought that way. It sounds like she is just trying to reach out for comfort. I'm sorry it hit you the wrong way but try to understand she is in pain and I'm sure she realizes there are some differences in your losses.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

puposefulmother: I believe that miscarriage or stillbirth or a baby that dies after birth are all individual circumstances. They are all losses, but none are the same.

I can understand the anger and frustration with a person comparing an early loss to a late loss. I can not imagine the pain you and others that have lost a child in late pregnancy or after delivery have experienced.

Having had a miscarriage, I personally can speak only to that. I know that for me, it was devistating. It was the loss of all the dreams I had for that child and our family.

homewithtwinsmama:

Quote:

don't compare your heavy period at 7/11/14 weeks
Is it fair and reasonable to express your anger in a way that diminishes my experience? When my u/s confirmed my first trimester loss, they used the term fetal demise. It was certainly more than a heavy period.

Is your comparison of an early miscarrige to a heavy period not in fact doing to others what was done to you?

I am not flaming you. I find it sad that you chose to express your anger in such a way. I am sorry your friend was so disrespectful.


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

I think the main issue is how the OP's friend's comments are making her feel. It sounds wise to take some time away from this friend and maybe things will change. I had an early miscarriage that didn't really make me too sad. If it had happened several weeks later I think I would've been much more upset. And the thought of losing one of my babies after the birth is unbearable to think about. I have a friend who lost an infant and I would never presume that I knew how she felt because I had a miscarriage. But that's just the way I feel. I know other mamas are different.


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## Mindi22 (Jun 28, 2005)

I've been reading this thread with interest.

I've had two early losses, and each was devistating. However, my cousin lost her one year old to SIDS, and that put things into perspective for me. I learned that there's no comparison to an early loss and the loss of a baby.

However, as many have said, the grief that one experiences during a loss is indiviudual, and you can't compare griefs.... they have similarities, and lots of differences....

I think the feelings of the OP are totally understandable and the advice given to get some distance between her and her friend is probably good.

It's not fair for those with a later loss to minimize the grief/loss of those who have had an early loss, but by the same token, those with an early loss can't automatically assume that they understand what those with a late loss or baby loss feel...


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## widdlelou (Feb 28, 2006)

I had two friends have stillbirths and it was soon after I had my first child and I could not let my heart feel how horribly sad and heart wrenching that would be. That said. I've had a miscarriage and a very early one at that. And I think there is a spectrum to grief, but that spectrum is only known through experience. This has been the deepest grief I have ever felt, a greif that has made me actually feel my soul tear in two. A grief that has shaken the foundation of my life. Now, I'm sure later down the road that if I were to experience a loss of my child or the like then I may say it isn't the worst grief that I have felt. You have comparable experience. YOu have experienced both and so now you can say this is way worse. But she can't. to her this is the worst grief she has felt. And also with miscarriage, I think some of the frusteration and feelig alone from it is b/c people have very different connections to the unborn child. For me, it was life, it was my child, I already fallen in love with it even in the very short time I knew it was there. For others, its mearly a fetus and they dont' connect until they can see it or feel it or even hold it. NOt for me. So two people with the same loss can have two totally differnt emotional connections to loosing a baby in pregnancy -- even early on.

ANd I know this is a place we all come to share our loss and vent. Lord knows I have vented here as well. But for all of us here, we are all in deep sadness over our losses and for all of us our losses are veyr real and cause a very very deep hurt. I do not think it fair to belittle anyones losses. And I think calling a miscarriage a heavy period or at least comparing it to one is very insensitive and hurtful. And I understand that it probably does not come from a place of malice, but it did hurt. It hurt me. ANd I find it disohonoring to the life I had once inside me.


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

Quote:

And I think calling a miscarriage a heavy period or at least comparing it to one is very insensitive and hurtful. And I understand that it probably does not come from a place of malice, but it did hurt. It hurt me. ANd I find it disohonoring to the life I had once inside me.
ITA...I don't think we should compare losses AT ALL, we should just support each other through those losses.

And the comment spoken of above hurts me as well, and I think it was very disrespectful of the poster who said it to say a miscarriage is a just heavy period. By comparing my miscarriage to a heavy period you are doing the same thing as people who are comparing their loss to yours. I just can't believe someone would come on here and say that, I'm almost at a loss for words. Wow. This is supposed to be a place where we find support for our losses, not compare whos loss was more tragic. By saying I just had a "heavy period" I agree that totally dishonors the life I carried inside me for 12 weeks.

I lost my baby at 12 weeks. When I passed that baby, I was able to hold it in my hand. The baby had little eyes, arms, legs, fingers. I held it and gazed upon it and said goodbye. My water broke and gushed everywhere before it happened. That is NOT just a heavy period.

When I look back at the ultrasound pictures where we happily saw our second child's beating little heart, I will always remember a life, not just a heavy period.

As I said before, I'm sure it is much harder to lose a child when they are full term and could have lived outside the womb, but that does not give anyone the right to tell people what they should/should not be feeling more/less than you at a certain gestational time. As someone said above, each loss is an individual event and affects the mother much differently than it might another mother.


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## 2shy2post (Oct 11, 2005)

First, I am so sorry for your losses. As PP's have stated, there is no way for ANYONE to completely understand YOUR grief and it's place in YOUR life.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *purposefulmother* 
I've had m/c, and I AM sympathetic. My problem is this. We lost a fullterm baby shortly after birth. She keeps saying to me, "you know how it is, you lost a baby too."

When she says these things to you, in your mind could you think, "yes, I did have a miscarriage, I do know about that". Perhaps when she brings up the topic of her loss, could you talk about your miscarriage and not the death of your other baby (sorry, I missed whether it was a boy or girl). Talk about the loss that you have in common. Remember with her how scary it can be to face another pregnancy after that loss. Talk with her about how the loss can cut your heart again when you actually have a baby in your arms and you feel the true weight of "what could have been". KWIM??

I'm sure that she would not want to hurt you, she is obviously reaching out for some comfort. You are not being a "B" for protecting your own feelings. m/c are different. While I cannot imagine what it would be like to have a full term baby die, no one would *dare* look at you and say, "Well, you can always try again.", "At least you can GET pregnant", and my favorite, "Well, at least your baby wasn't THAT old". These are comments that are often showered on women (and me) when experienciencing a m/c. It almost killed me to see "abortion" written on my medical chart. I was "equal" with someone who wanted their baby dead. She wants and probably needs someone to look at her and say, "Yes, that was a baby, no matter how old, now matter how long. Your baby died and you have a right to grieve and be sad."

Ultimately, if you do not think you can "handle" speaking with her - I think you should be honest with her. (*not* that you think the losses are any different/worse/better) Let her know that you are emotionally not ready to "be supportive" for her. You know that she needs to seek support and that there are lots of places/people available for that. However, you are still in your own grief and mourning and it is very painful for you to have these discussions with her.

I hope that you can both find some peace.


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## 2shy2post (Oct 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homewithtwinsmama* 
don't compare your heavy period at 7/11/14 weeks

L

I'm not flaming you. Just want you to really *think* about the post you made.

When _would_ it be OK to seek out your *compassion*? If I were 5 months pregnant? 7? 9? If my baby never took a breath? What if she lived to be a month old? A year?

Would it be OK if my son died at four years old to look at you and say, "I can't believe you are so upset about that baby you didn't even know. It was ONLY alive for 3 minutes. You didn't nurse her her and rock her to sleep, watch her first steps, hear her first words, see her ride a bike."

Of course not, because *part of your grief* is the *LOSS* of all of those things. Just as the grief of a miscarriage is that we will NEVER know what that baby could have been. We may never even know whether it was a boy or girl. We will never know what he or she would have looked like. We have no casket, no grave, we are only left with an empty womb.

This is not meant to be a flame. However, you need to understand that *you* are wearing *your* *flipflops* to the funeral of MY babies....


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## purposefulmother (Feb 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homewithtwinsmama* 

And sit before a tiny two foot long coffin and watched it get lowered into the ground while your children and husband and grandma cry all around you. And have your engorged breasts remind you every second in a very real and painful way that you have no baby to soothe the ache. A miscarriage just isn't the same thing. It isn't.







Sure you were sad, I got PTSD, PPD and fight tears back multiple times a day nearly two years later. And I see her sweet face when I wake up and when I go to bed and when I dream.

L

I'm sorry that you know what I am talking about. I don't wish on anyone that kind of grief. I think some mamas have missed my intention, which is to say that there is in fact a difference, and it's not a small one, either. I don't think that others aren't entitled to their grief and pain, in fact, it would be sadder to me if they didn't feel those things; but like Christian I held my baby and felt his life as it slipped out of him, then sat numbly through a funeral and saw my child buried in his baptismal gown and put into a tiny grave and, well, it's just not the same thing.

But I do feel better for having given voice to those thoughts. My friend grieves her way, and I have no control over that, just over how I respond. I'm not able to talk to her right about this so I'm not going to now. But I do think that at some point in the future, I will talk with her... her grief is too raw right now though.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

Purposefulmama

Quote:

I think some mamas have missed my intention, which is to say that there is in fact a difference,
I don't think that anyone here would deny there is a difference between a miscarriage and losing a baby after delivery, or a stillbirth. They *are* all different, and how each of us deals with our losses is different too.

I think what is happening is others are sharing views that are potentially inflammatory.

Quote:

It's not a contest, but it's not the same thing either.
You say that this is not a contest and yet, the title to your thread indicates otherwise.

Quote:

baby loss v. pregnancy loss
This title lends itself to defensive commentary. One shouldn't have to feel the need to justify the sadness they have experienced because another person has a different or greater experience.

We are all here because of an experience of loss. I do understand the need to vent. I have had the benefit of doing so here myself. This is a great place to do just that. The compassion and understanding that is shown here exceeds many people's real life experience.

Is the point of your vent/thread to share how your friend's comparison has hurt you? If so, perhaps something specific to that situation would have made a better title.

Please keep in mind that in our grief, we do not always have the same ability to be eloquent and thoughtful. Perhaps your friend does not mean to hurt you, but she is making a connection to you in an attempt to get through her own pain.

I am sorry for your loss.

Micheline


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## SamuraiMom (Nov 7, 2006)

Originally Posted by philomom
To lose a wanted child at any stage is a huge loss.

Please don't play the "I'm entitled to hurt more than you" card. That one sucks.

I don't see that at all. I have had three m/c, two that occured early, one of which I was 4 months and it turned out to be a blighted ovum and the other at 6 weeks. My 3rd was in January and I was 23 weeks, our baby boy had stopped developing at 16 weeks. I am sad and angry I feel a loss whenever I see another preg. woman, but I cannot help but have already moved on to being ready to try again, I do not think I could do that if I had lost him after birthing him at full term, no I could not. I do not think that it is the same thing. Perhaps she is looking for a way to deal with her loss, and G-d forbid she should have to have the same experience as you, but I am sure eventually she will be able to put her experience into perspective. Maybe when she does carry a baby to term and hold him/her in her arms she will see or rather feel the difference.

more







more







more







more







: !!!!


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## mb122 (Aug 20, 2004)

losses are different. yes. but our experiences with loss, our feelings, our grief - that's relative. we experience loss individually.

that said, wow. i, like rach03, had a late first trimester m/c and was able to hold my baby in my hand. it sure didn't look like a heavy period to me - nor did the whole experience feel like one, thank you very much.

interestingly enough, i had friends reach out to me that in fact did have later losses (one lost her son after birth at 3 weeks due to a heart defect and another lost her son at 28 weeks gestation. he was born obviously very early and died shortly after). i only listened to them because i understand there are "differences" (but not in a "who is entitled to hurt more"). however, they didn't point out those differences and were the ones to talk to me about the loss of a baby, of hopes and dreams for another family member, etc., and the feelings "we" experience. i must have some awesome friends.


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## purposefulmother (Feb 28, 2007)

Just wanted to clarify that when I titled this I wasn't imagining that mc moms would take offense. Versus means that things are in contrast to one another. Things can be in contrast without being in competition. Sorry if the title has offended anyone.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

I lost my first ds when he was 38 days old. I had an early m/c at 6 wks and a m/c at 12 wks. Losing my ds was devestating and almost killed me. The early m/c was devestating because I thought the universe was telling me I shouldn't be a mother. The m/c at 12 wks was surreal and sad, but was not devestating. Perhaps, because I had a thriving, healthy 4 yo. I can tell you that it was *not* a heavy period. I labored and birthed that child. I held her lovingly.
Grief cannot be compared.


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## Mammax4 (May 26, 2006)

If not the title providing the opportunity for defensive posturing, some of the posts have certainly increased that potential.

My understanding of the word 'Versus' has always been one against the other. At the very least the comparison of one against the other.

This is not an opportunity for comparison; you can not compare these experiences. Just as you can not compare people's reactions to the same experience.

My miscarriage does not give me insight into how you feel with the loss of your child after birth. The devistation I experienced after my miscarriage allows me to sympathize. I can imagine what it would be like for me to have lost a child after birth. I believe my grief would be magnified by infinity.

Yes, the experiences are different. Grief binds us together, in our understanding and ability to be compassionate because of our loss experience.

This should not be an opportunity for 'one upmanship'. It is an opportunity for us to support one another in our own forms and variations of grief.


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## purposefulmother (Feb 28, 2007)

See, that's exactly what I was getting at with my original post. Don't compare my loss to yours, because it's not. That's what my friend is doing. "We're the same. Now I know how you feel." No, you don't. And I don't know SHE feels either.

But I'm glad I posted it as I did, now that I've had time to look at some responses, because it is really evident to me that I am definitely not alone in having issues with the idea of comparisons. I think everyone has her own set of issues with this. Hopefully it helps someone else clarify her own thoughts.


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

I don't have any problem recognizing there is a difference between a miscarriage and a stillbirth, I'm just saying that every mother takes every loss differently and that should be taken into consideration.

But as I said above I do have a problem with someone saying a miscarriage is "just a heavy period." Big problem.

I understand having a stillbirth is much harder physically and mentally, but that is no reason to downplay a miscarriage by calling it a "heavy period" and nothing more.

As a poster said above, at just 12 weeks I went through hours of contractions and my water breaking...that is NOT a heavy period.

And grief cannot and should not be compared...we should all just be able to understand what each other is going through because we have all experienced the loss of a child in some way or another. We should be there for each other. My friend had a miscarriage at 6 weeks (about a month before mine), and even though at that point there wasn't even a baby to see, I would not ever tell her my miscarriage was worse because I held my baby and she didn't. She sent me a beautiful plant and said if I ever wanted to talk to give her a call, because she would be able to understand what I was feeling. That to me was a great gift, a friend who had been through something similar and could talk to me during my time of sadness.


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## sheepie (Aug 5, 2005)

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. The death of a baby is always tragic. I've never posted on this board before, and I probably won't post again as this doesn't seem a particularly supportive place for loss moms. I've experienced a miscarriage and I've survived the death of my baby. Yes, the m/c was the most awful, painful thing to ever happen to me up until that time, however, it was tiny compared to the death of my baby. The death of a child is nothing like a miscarriage. I'm quite surprised that there are not separate boards for this here. Unless someone has had a child die, I do not believe that they can ever understand what it's like. Your friend does not understand how your situation is different and hopefully she never truly will. I don't think that trying to make her understand will bring about any positive result and it will only bring both of you more pain. Part of being a loss mom is learning that the vast majority of non-infant-loss moms just don't have a clue about it. I think in the end, it's almost better that way, afterall, this isn't a club that needs more members.







:


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

This thread has been locked. We do not host discussions comparing early and late losses. The wisest word I ever heard were "The worst loss is your own because it happened to you." In our time of grief and healing, we do not need to be in competition or even comparison with each other, we just need to be there for each other.
With Respect,
Gossamer


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