# Is anyone *afraid* of getting pregnant?



## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

I know most of the ladies here are trying to conceive... but if there are any here who are "just thinking about it," I would like to ask if any of you are afraid, for whatever reason, to get pregnant again? (or for the first time)

My last two pregnancies were very frightening-- I had just been through a miscarriage and bled throughout one pregnancy and basically felt like I was walking around with a time bomb strapped to my stomach. The baby almost never moved and there were many times I was convinced she had died in utero







. During both pregnancies, the babies had irregular heartbeats that had to be looked at by a pediatric cardiologist. One of those times, a less experienced cardiologist told me the baby had a complete heart block, which would have meant the baby would have had a very slim chance of survival (but the dr was mistaken-- she was fine). My last birth was very painful. Abnormally painful, and I have had recurrent mastitis over the past year.

For all these reasons, I'm afraid to get pregnant again, even though DH and I have always wanted a big family.

Is anyone else struggling with similar fears?

TIA









PS And for those of you who are actively trying TC:


----------



## MamaBug (Jun 13, 2003)

First of all







: to you. I totally understand where you are coming from.

Yes I am afraid but really want another one. I had 42 hours of labor the first pregnancy ( this after 4 years of trying and multiple m/s) that ended in a c/s. Not bad though, I was just so overjoyed to finally have a baby that I just blocked out any and all pain. 23 months later I had second child by scheduled c/s ( both my boys were 10 plus pounds so they felt it was safer then a v/bac), the whole delivery was a nightmare from the moment I checked in to the hospital, ending with sending me home with a staple still in me which got slightly infected. Needless to say I switched Dr to have it removed and never looked back.

Since then I wanted to wait to have more time btwn children( my second is now almost 4.5), but the longer I wait the more scared I get of another horrible birth. I have gained weight since my second ds, I am almost as heavy as I was when I was pg with him and I think it is a subconscious way to not get pg. I believe that for me being overweight makes my cycle screwed up. I try to lose weight but am truly not that diligent.

Just this past week I joined a gym and have gone 4 days last week, and will meet with a trainer tomorrow. I am hoping to conquer this fear and see what happens. We have not been using protection for the past year. I do take note of when I ovulate but am not charting at present. I am hoping once I lose some weight I might feel better and give my new Dr a chance. He has said from the beginning that he did not want my bad experince to ruin what is the most beautiful thing in the world, he told me he would do everything he could to make the next birth a great one.


----------



## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I am a bit..i am afraid of failing (VBAC), afraid of losing my baby, afraid of dying, leaving my son motherless my DH a widow. afraid of rupture/complications.

I had severe complications from my c/s that were extremely traumatizing that I think is the root of it all. In a way it's made me stronger too and I won't let the fear of it immobolize me.









One thing I've learned is that becoming a mother involves alot of fear. it may change from year to year from ttc to pg to birth but it's always there,yk?

hope that made some sort of sense! sorry if not, it's past my bedtime!


----------



## Persephone (Apr 8, 2004)

I haven't really said this out loud, but I have some anxiety about getting pregnant. I want to, desperately, but sometimes I have this moment where I think, "What the heck am I thinking???" Because it's such a life changing thing. I wonder if I'll ever regret it, cause once it happens, I'm a mother forever. And that's a scary prospect for me. I guess it's not really the same thing you're going through, but those are my thoughts. *hugs to you*


----------



## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

to Persephone, rainbowmoon, and SoccerMom

This IS so complicated. You yearn for a baby but have so much fear. I've had four births (not counting the miscarriage) and the first three were very painful, but it was "normal painful" where the only agonizing part was transition. But the last delivery-- I went through the agonizing transition (lasted about an hour) and then an agonizing pushing stage (two more hours) and the whole experience was just devastatng for me emotionally and physically.

Basically-- I'm really ashamed to admit this-- I feel like I cannot have another child unless I have an epideral. I had no pain meds during any of my deliveries. But after this last birth I just can't help thinking that I'm foolish not to opt for an epi. Of course that would mean I'd have to be in a hospital and couldn't have a homebirth.

Anyway please don't flame me over the epi thing. Until my last birth I never would have considered one.

rainbowmoon, why do you call not having a succesful VBAC a "failure?"







That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. I think if you have a midwife who you trust, then you can put the judgement on her. Does that make sense? If a midwife were to tell me I needed a c-section, I would believe her. It's not your "fault" or anything! Fault implies you're doing something intentionally.


----------



## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

oh meowee my story goes so much deeper!

I don't know why failing at VBAC scares me..c/s scared me before I had one too but that is not my fear at all (my c/s went pretty well as far as c/s go)
but should have been avoidable IMHO.

I think my real true fear is making the wrong choices (as I did previously) and ignoring my own intuition. I hope that made some sort of sense?

if I felt I truly made the right choices and still ended up with another c/s I could live with that. I am still afraid though.


----------



## Abigail (Aug 23, 2002)

Hi ladies!








Boy can I relate to this discussion. I am TTCing but it takes so much out of me to just admit it. I lurked for ages. If I concieve now it will be my fourth pregnancy and I have No children -miscarriage after miscarriage. They were all first trimester. The last one was Dec 2002 and we just gave up and even split up for a while. Now things are fine, but I am terrified and I feel a time pressure too. I am 35. Hubby is 46. It's too late for a big family. I'd be happy with just one. But to be honest with you ladies, I think that there would be something odd if you didn't feel at least some fear. ( I know there are super courageous- in touch with their bodies women-out there) but I think for us mere mortals, the physical changes, the emotional changes, the potential changes in our relationships with our partners and even things as mundane as organizing our homes or dealing with changes in finances are alone are fair game to create some fear and then link them all together ! So for me that is a recipe for some anxiety. However, though, I know for myself, I weep at practically every baby I see, I try not to be rude, but I stare and pregnant ladies and wonder what it must be like. I don't want to miss out. But with all the miscarriages, I can't even get excited about the potential of being pregnant. I am constantly trying to indulge myself with consolations, like if I am not pregnant this month, I won't have to worry about skiing next weekend. Or I will have my paycheck for a month longer or I can diet a little more vigourously. Silly. (I am, I know it) But just know that you guys are not alone. Thanks for this post. It is nice to know that I am not alone either.


----------



## COMamalac (Jul 1, 2004)

I used to be really nervous about getting pg. I have six children, ages 1 through 14. Lost 3 pregnancies, too. I used to be very nervous every time, because my first was an emergency cesarean. I loved being pregnant, and had very easy pregnancies. The deliveries (5 VBACs) were always tough. No interventions, most things went smoothly, but there were always little things that happened that freaked me out. The last one, a year ago next month was the most frightening. Baby got stuck, and his cord broke before he was out.







That was it for me....I feel very, very blessed to have my beautiful children, but I sympathize. Pregnancy is a very normal and natural thing, but it doesn't mean it's problem-free or EASY. Many pregnancies go smoothly, as do the deliveries. And some don't. I think it's totally normal to be nervous, particularly after pregnancy loss, or after a difficult delivery. Each time I approached my due date -- and I went late every time! -- I spent a lot of time trying to work through my fears. I feel lucky to have had VBACs, but it was not easy....

Good luck!
JoAnn in CO


----------



## Karry (Apr 10, 2002)

Meowee I can totally understand your desire to have an epidural if you have another baby. I also have had three unmedicated deliveries, and I know that I could do it again with out an epidural, but my last delivery really hurt during the pushing stage. Luckily it only lasted around 10 minutes, but still I was not happy and just wanted him out!







:

We are pretty sure that we are done having kids, but I often think about possibly having one more. More often than not, the negatives outweigh the positives. The negatives being morning sickness, bedrest, painful delivery, getting bf established, newborns waking every couple of hours at night, etc. The positives being having a beautiful new baby, and adding to the family. I often wonder if I had an epidural would it be better?







I don't know since I have never had one.


----------



## Aiti (Dec 24, 2003)

Meowee, thank you SO much for posting this. I feel this way too.
We are not currently TTC'ing, in fact, my DH would be very happy to stop at 2 kids. I, on the other hand, have always wanted 3 or 4. However, I have a malformed uterus and my pregnancies are classified as high-risk. I went through a lot of trauma with my first pregnancy and I have had two c-sections.
The pregnancy itself isn't what really scares me. I love being pregnant. But I am VERY afraid of having another c-section. The whole idea of surgery, epidurals, meds, complications, etc. completely freaks me out.
I think maybe I should just be happy with what I have - 2 healthy children. I fully realize how lucky I am to have that. It's probably a moot point anyway, since as I mentioned earlier, my DH has not yet come around to the idea of having another.

But the longing for another baby is so strong...


----------



## JaneS (Jan 11, 2003)

Yes.

I was incredibly sick every day, all day and night, during my first trimester. Like could not move from the couch nausea, heartburn, dizziness (thank goodness I was working from home and not that busy). Then I had very debilatating pain from interstitial cystitis during the second half of pg. IC is a bladder disease that feels like you have a UTI all the time so you can imagine how that was.

I honestly don't know how I could be pg again and still be able to take care of my son.

Then of course is the 40 hr labor I went through, ending with pitocin and an epidural that I did not want but I was getting delirious at that point from the intensity of the pit (took 6 tries to get the epi in, I was beyond scared, something about how my spinal bones are shaped or some weirdo thing).

And my DS is very spirited and can be difficult in the sleeping dept., I'm just so dead tired b/c he is getting up several times a night still.

This is enormously painful for me to think about. I'm getting older and I don't have a lot of time to continue to put this off. DH really wants another child b/c he is an only and doesn't want to do that to his son. I agree, but I'm afraid.


----------



## Windspirit (Apr 25, 2004)

You can count me in. Ironically, my labors are not what makes me afraid. I had a four hour labor and a three hour labor. The first one (the 4 hour one) was not too bad - classic textbook order, but really fast. I felt in control of that one. With the second, it was like everything was just happening in random order without warning and was really hard, but it still is not the reason I am terrified.

I HATE PREGNANCY! I mean, sure feeling the baby move inside is cool, and the big belly and clumsiness is not so bad. But, being nauseous for nine months is miserable. The moodiness is even worse - the exhaustion - the muscle spasms - etc - etc - etc. The worst thing is that no one really helps you deal with any of it. Nauseous? Oh that's too bad. Some women are like that. Cramping terrible pain? Oh I feel for you. Some women are like that. No one seems to understand how bad it was.

I can't imagine going through another pregnancy like that without two kids to care for, and I definitely cant with two kids to care for. My dh is all ready for our "third and final" and stressing me out over how if we wait too long I will be too old (I'm all of 33). I can't seem to get through to him that I really, really, really don't want to be pregnant again.

I DO want another child. I just would prefer someone ELSE carry it! Maybe I will finally get pregnant with a girl and the pregnancy will be different?

Heather


----------



## texcalkas (May 12, 2004)

I have had most of you other ladies' fears and then some. My two labors were painful but nothing that would make me want to not go through it again. My pregnancies were miserable (sciatic nerve problems, swellings "down there", fallen arches, acid indigestion, etc) but I expected that too.

The clincher for me is reoccurring m/c and a tubal pregnancy. I had surgery for that one and while they found a placenta during the exam of tissue, they didn't find the embryo. So, the surgeon thought I was maybe experiencing a molar pregnancy! Had to undergo blood tests for months and fortunately they all turned out ok. Still, every time my cycle is late, I wonder if it's another tubal. If it is, I'd probably lose that tube and my child bearing career would be over. Since DH is not willing to have any more children right now I don't think my losing a tube would be any big deal, but for me it would be devistating.

I guess I'd better not worry about something that's not likely to happen again. Still, it's always in the back of my mind...

Kimberly


----------



## hollyhobbie (Jun 13, 2002)

yup, sitting here with tears in my eyes. i am going to be 39 next month and i am afraid that i am just too old! i had one pretty smooth pregnancy and excellent labour at 36 and now two losses (m/c in the first tri). i feel like maybe i shouldnt try anymore but i do want another baby. cassia was a very high needs baby but we got thru it somehow.

but, i am taking things into my hands, eating better, hoping to exercise again! and am taking some supplements to up my progesterone before i ttc again. i have to finish some dental work then i think in a month or two i will give it my all. if i m/c again then i think i will throw in the towel.

so i am terrified and wanting to go ahead too. i mean i have the pg test in the closet to give me hope ya know! but i dont want to be so sad all over again. i dont want to feel like a walking tragedy.


----------



## umbrella (Jul 25, 2002)

Wow, I read the thread title, and my first thought was "sure." Now, after reading some of the other posts, I feel petty, and fully admit that my fears are pretty superficial.

I remember when I was pregnant, this one moment of intense panic; there was a thing inside me, leeching life off of my own, draining my personal resources, and there was not a thing I could do about it. Of course I didn't _want_ to do anything about it, but the feeling of powerlessness overwhelmed me. Yes, I wanted to be pregnant, but at the same time, it didn't really matter if I wanted it or not anymore, and I didn't have the option to change my mind. So that was a minor, momentary freak-out.

My dh has been quite fearful of pregnancy for me. I had hyperemesis (sp?) with dd, and it really caught us off guard. It is the reason that we've had to wait so long to ttc again, as our circumstances have been fine to prepare for an uneventful pregnancy, but not so for another go at hyperemesis. He is more afraid of that again than I am though.


----------



## fiddledebi (Nov 20, 2003)

Me too.

I had PUPPP from week 34 on. For those of you who don't know what it is, PUPPP is "pruritic uricarital plaques and papules of pregnancy." That's medical jargon for absolutely torturing nightmarishly itchy rash. I had it from my rib cage down to the tops of my feet, over my entire back and rear, and down both arms. The only unaffected areas were the soles of my feet, palms of my hands, breasts, and face. It kept me awake night and day, and ended my completely medication free pregnancy in a terrible terrible cocktail of codeine, benadryl, and eventually prednisone, in addition to tremendous volumes of steroidal topical cream. My very very non-interventionist midwife offered to induce me more than once because she felt that if she didn't get the baby out soon, I'd be delusional with having had no sleep and all the itching, and I wouldn't be strong enough for a vaginal delivery, and she didn't want to see me end up with a c-section for the reason of "maternal exhaustion."

On top of that, I had gestational hypertension. When I finally did go into labor on my own at 39.5 weeks, my bp was 165/85 (my baseline normally is very low, around 100/70). In labor, it shot up to 197/105. I was terrified.

Now, PUPPP is supposed to be, for the most part, limited to a woman's first pregnancy with a given father. So, I SHOULDN'T have to worry about that again. However, sometimes it does happen in multiple pregnancies with the same father, and if that happens to me, I don't know if I can take it again, especially not with another child to care for.

The BP thing scares me, too, because if it comes back, it could be even worse this time. The feeling of my heart racing all the time was worse than any heartburn, feeling of bulkiness, etc.

I want another child. If I had my way, we would adopt the second, but I cannot convince my DH. I want another child MORE than I want to avoid another pregnancy, so I guess my decision is made, but boy oh boy am I scared. Labor I can do. I know that, at its worst, it's a few days of misery. I can do ANYTHING for a few days. What I can't do is weeks and weeks and months and months of misery.

But you know what? Yeah, I can do it. I'll hate it, but I can do it. All of us can.

When all of us who are TTC or thinking about it end up pregnant, we can start a new tribe in Tribal Areas: "Scared Poopless Pregnant Moms!"


----------



## Curious (Jan 4, 2002)

Oh yeah.

After 66 hours with Dd, Dh said he was scared to death and never again. After I had chronic low supply, I said, I just can't go through this again.

But when Dd was around 18 months, I became posessed with the idea that if another one was meant to come, I shouldn't make it difficult to impossible, I decided I wasn't getting any younger (I'm older than most TTC moms on the board who consider themselves old), and we had the IUD (that was supposed to last 10 years) pulled out.

We're letting nature take it's course for us, whatever that is. Most of the time I try not to think too much, because I the thought of another pregnancy/child is frightening to me. I don't worry about that too much, because I had all sorts of fears with Dd, and none of them materialized.

But I am afraid that my chronic back problem will act up badly, since it's mostly getting worse as Dd gets bigger and still needs to be carried a lot. I'm afraid of dealing with another low supply, even though I'm a lot more informed this time. I'm afraid of exhaustion, and I'm afraid of how my care of Dd would suffer through all of that.

Motherhood is a big step each time. I think we can always find something to be afraid of, but that doesn't mean you don't go on living.


----------



## umbrella (Jul 25, 2002)

Quote:

If I had my way, we would adopt the second, but I cannot convince my DH.
That's so sad


----------



## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

hi ladies










I wasn't ignoring you all.. but I am *so* afraid of getting pregnant that I was afraid even to read this thread again! I kept avoiding it. Wow am I









But I do want TC again. The pull for another baby is so strong. I gues it's what's kept humans around for so many zillions of years. I was watching this PBS show about evolution, and they had this expert on, talking about what first got sea creatures to venture out of the sea to walk on land. They used to think it was that ponds were drying up and fish had to hop between ponds to stay alive.

Now they believe it was because female sea creatures were seeking a safe place to lay their eggs! The mothers would venture out of the water to the beach, lay their eggs, then go back in the water. On the beach, the eggs were safe from predators.

So it was the maternal instict that pushed evolution forward! I almost started crying when I heard that scientist guy talking.

(I don't mean to offend any creationists with this post btw.)


----------

