# Why is my kid never happy?



## KBinSATX (Jan 17, 2006)

My son is 3 1/2 now and he's constantly unhappy.
I stay home with the kids and it just is so draining to constantly hear the whining and crying.
I used to be so compassionate but it's really hard not to get immune to the ever present dissatisfaction. Even the baby is starting to communicate in what is apparently the language of choice in our house so now I have 1 kid whining and crying and another pretending to be whining and crying just like her big brother.
We spend a lot of time outside. We have a wonderful place to live, horses, goats, chickens. We bake, we do crafts, we meet our LLL group, we practice gentle discipline, we co-sleep (with both), we tandem nurse (still).

Before DS was born I got DH to buy in on AP by telling him what confident and independent children it would create. lol. My son still clings to my leg any time I speak to somebody and he's full of 'I can'ts'.

Not sure what to do to make him less miserable. We even reintroduced nap time to make sure he's not too tired, etc.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

How old is the baby? My dd is quite a bit older than that and has still been more upset since our new baby has been born. Do you have the ability to give him some one-on-one attention sometimes? It's such a hard adjustment for them.


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## KBinSATX (Jan 17, 2006)

She's 1. He's already started being unhappy before she was born.
Before we started him on naps again we would use teh baby's nap time to bake or cook together or do crafts -1 on 1


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## jennpn (Jul 30, 2009)

Could it be diet/food sensitivities. My ds was a miserable baby until he was diagnosed with serious and extensive food allergies and intolerances. Eczema is gone, asthma is symtom free and his diet is very good with a range of what he can eat (fortunatly he is a good eater although alot of pureed veggies are hidden...) about a month after we discovered this he turned into a completly different child! He is happy, easy going, funny and co operative. I wonder what he would be like otherwise???

I can't stand whinning...it is my deal breaker. If it starts I simply don't hear it 100% of the time. This catches on pretty quick, it won't work. I say to my ds (2) use your nice words please and he knows that means cut the whinning (we practiced with tones earlier and he gets the difference...nice voice comes out in this whispered falsetto but it is fine lol).

I was a miserable child, really miserable. I had a stay at home ap (before it was even called that probably...) mom, a father who doted on me. I was endulged, loved, never physically punished and had lots of attention. I was just a miserable child. I asked my mom if that made her feel like a failure and she said everyday. That is heartbreaking to hear now. I remember feeling angry and tantruming for hours. When I was about 9 or 10 I simply snapped out of it (with a brief recurrance of teenage angst and moodiness with a side of attitude). I would say now for most of my life my natural state is happiness and I have a naturally positive attitude and it takes a lot to upset me (2 year old whinning aside...) but I don't believe there is a childhood picture of my in existance where I am not glaring at the camera.

Good luck!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

First, I think it is for many kids just part of the age. So it may just pass on its own.

But a few other thoughts I had reading your post were that he may need time with you, like Playful Parenting time. (That's a good book.) He might also be extroverted and need more time with peers, since 3.5 is kind of a time when a lot of kids seem to need more socially than they have before. He might need some sensory play. And he might be a kid that needs structure or newness or something else.

The hard thing about 3.5 I think is that a lot of their more kid personalities, where their needs get more complicated, are coming out - but they are way too young to really express them. My son now can use terms like 'lonely' and 'bored' to express his feelings and then we can acknowledge them (and address them sometimes, although not always) but a year ago he really couldn't; it did come out as whining and upset some of the time.

The other thing is if you're dreading the whine, and seeing it as a lack of payoff for your parenting style, you may be tense. I think that can be something our kids respond to. This is not to blame you, just to say that maybe a big break in the cycle -- a few days doing something else or refocusing -- might help.

In small practical terms I got the idea here from responding to whining in an "opera mom" voice and it made us laugh a lot.

Hope some of this helps in some way.


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## guestmama9972 (Jun 5, 2003)

I also think it could be the age. For us, the twos were a piece of cake compared to the raging emotions of the threes and fours. Whew. Seriously, once I got my oldest daughter through her second year with very few fits I thought I was a great parent. Then came year three and my compliant little angel turned into a screaming, needy (well, needy-er), fit-throwing kid! I couldn't figure out what was wrong until someone clued me in to the developmental changes that happen during that time. My second daughter did the same thing, fine as a toddler but not so fun as a three year old. Thankfully they grow out of it and do end up independent!


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Here is a link to an article that I found helpful when my kids were that age. It was originally published in Mothering.

http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html

It's talks about the problems with being child centered, and how it only serves to make our children unhappy.


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## BeckC (Nov 27, 2006)

Three is a tough age, especially with a younger sibling. It's tough on kiddo and it's tough on mama. It sounds to me like you're both pretty unhappy.

You say that you used to be compassionate but that you're getting tired. I don't blame you one bit on that because whining really pushes my buttons too. But I think you can be both compassionate and firm with whining at the same time. Make it clear that while you understand that he's upset/frustrated, that whining is not acceptable. Something like "I understand that you're upset but I'm not going to listen to you if you're whining. If you want to talk to me about something, you need to use your normal voice." or however that would sound in your mom-speak. You could also do something where "If you want to whine, you must do it in your room." Not like a time out where he's in trouble or taking away toys or anything, and he can come out whenever he wants. It's not to be punitive, but sometimes children need to be told gently but firmly, to cut it out.

It sounds like you have a good foundation with the attachment parenting, activities with you, outdoor stuff and all of that. He sounds like he's very secure with you and DH but maybe not secure with himself. Setting boundaries on no whining will help him to be more secure and in turn happier which will lead to a much happier home all around.


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## Whistler (Jan 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BeckC* 
It's not to be punitive, but sometimes children need to be told gently but firmly, to cut it out.

This. I have a three-year-old who tends toward whininess. In general I find he is happiest not when I find out what he is whining about and cater to his every whim, but rather when I simply ask him to stop whining and be cheerful. Of course I meet all of his needs and many of his desires, but in general, the less I try to bend over backwards to please him and the more he is expected to cheerfully flow with the rest of the family the happier he is. Counterintuitive, I know, but that is what seems to work.


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## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Whistler* 
This. I have a three-year-old who tends toward whininess. In general I find he is happiest not when I find out what he is whining about and cater to his every whim, but rather when I simply ask him to stop whining and be cheerful. Of course I meet all of his needs and many of his desires, but in general, the less I try to bend over backwards to please him and the more he is expected to cheerfully flow with the rest of the family the happier he is. Counterintuitive, I know, but that is what seems to work.










If I make sure I spend a little playful parenting floor time directed by the kids 2-3 half hour sessions a day, then at other times when I need to get things done, I feel less guilty about saying "Sorry hon, can't help you now" and just ignore the whining or else get whichever kid is whining started on something they can do themselves and go about my business. But my kids are 5 and 2, and can play together independently. When DS1 was 3, we just had lots and lots and lots of difficulties with his behavior. Part of it was learning that he was not the center of the universe... and that it was OK that way.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I don't consider it my job to make sure my kids are "happy" 100% of the time.

I'm going for loved, fed, clothed and well cared for. I'm going for supporting outside friendships and hobbies I'm going for liking to read books, listen to music and sometimes amusing yourself if mom has her hands full.

I do not listen to whining. I pretend never to have heard it.

I set my kid up for happiness but I think that true happiness is overrated. Contentment or the state of not wanting is just fine by me.

Back to the OP's three year old. I once saw this neat little article/story about the happy caterpillar. The son was a very negative little boy. The mother was at loose ends. So, she made circles of construction paper and each night... she asked her son what was one thing about his day that was good. He usually could come up with something or could be "prodded" to help remember something that was good. They wrote that on one circle and taped it to the wall. After a few nights of this ... the happy caterpillar on the wall was quite long and her son's attitude began to change as the mom read the happy parts to him over and over again each night.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

I think it's a three thing. My DD1 was a miserable festering human most of the time she was three, and I used to think there was something wrong with her, or with her parenting, and that maybe we needed counseling. Then I started talking to other parents, and







!!!!! I realized she was fine. Just 3.

But just because it's normal for the age, doesn't mean you don't work on teaching an alternative.

I agree with what the others have said about the problems with being too child-centered, and about the need for setting some limits on whining and complaining. You don't have to cater to that dissatisfaction. A child that age is old enough to begin to understand those kinds of limits. I can say that we've had a lot of success with ideas like that. It takes time, but if you're consistent about insisting on a reasonable tone of voice, for example, you will find that over time there's a lot of improvement. Lately I've been trying it with DD2, who's almost 3, and I think she's starting to get the idea. I've said to her that her room is the whining place. If she needs to whine, that's fine, but she needs to do it in her whining place. If there's something she needs from me, she can come tell me about it without whining. She's a bit young for it, but it'll come. It has worked wonders with my DD1.

One of the big adjustments we make as attached parents, when kids are no longer babies, is learning that our job is not to keep them happy all the time. When they're tiny, there's so much focus in AP on preventing crying. But if we keep that up into childhood, I think it turns into a disaster for us and the child. I think we have to slowly get used to letting them own their own feelings. Being happy, and having a positive attitude about life, is a decision they have to make for themselves. At some point we have to let go and let them learn how. Three is the time for learning that, in fact, the whole apple doesn't belong to you, and that sometimes life isn't fair, and that you are not, in fact, the center of the universe. And it's a tough lesson to learn.

So yeah, I definitely agree that a child receiving a healthy amount of attention, who has all his needs provided for, does sometimes need to be told to knock it off and go find something to do. If you stick to your point of view-- I love you very much, I always will, but you're underfoot and the whining is making me crazy, so go play-- he'll get it pretty quickly.

I've also found that by 3, DD1 was a much happier child if she had time with other children her age, at least a few times a week. I think that by this age, many kids really want to play cooperatively, especially if they are naturally inclined to be extroverted, like my DD1 is. They get bored and antsy without that kind of interaction. So one suggestion I'd have, if you're not doing it already, would be to search for opportunities for your DS to make friendships.


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## JL83 (Aug 7, 2009)

We don't tolerate whining in this house unless there are serious other circumstances (today she's sick, so we put up with it while getting her to take a nap).

When I hear it I tell her that she's whining (give it a name), and that I don't like it (tell her what the effect is), and that I will be happy to help her once she can stop (tell her what she needs to do). If she keeps whining then she has to go to her room (safe private space) until she's ready to behave appropriately.

She isn't/wasn't happy when we gave in. In many ways she is struggling to figure out how the world works. She wants to know what's acceptable and what's not. And, most of the time, when we make our expectations clear that makes her happy.

She's also been playing with the "I can't" thing. It drove me crazy at first because it was all stuff that she could do. Then I figure out that it was just another boundary she was playing around with. So we held firm with that stuff and get her to do it. There's snow on the ground and yesterday she tried the "I can't" thing when it was time for her to put on her shoes to go out. So we told her she was welcome to walk to the car in her socks and just carry her shoes. She lasted about 2 steps on the cold concrete walk before telling us that she should put her shoes on and retreating back into the house (I was still holding the screen door open). She then put them on without a complaint and we set off.


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## spottiew (Jan 24, 2007)

My kid has been 'not happy' in many ways since a few months prior to 3- he's now a few months shy of 5 and it's actually worse. He is overwhelmed by emotions and says all day he doesn't 'know what to do' with himself. He rages, he wails, he picks fights with the world. While I think some sadness, frustration, exhaustion, over-stimulation, moodiness, etc. is normal, I do NOT think a persistent unhappyness is... a few months maybe, but if every day they wake up MAD, and stay that way through the long day- I think something's not ok inside. Now what to do about that, I do not know, that is where I am now- our hole is so big I don't know how to begin to fix it.


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