# Having to terminate a very wanted pregnancy



## ps_ramey (Nov 15, 2005)

In June of this year, after much rejoicing upon finding out I was pregnant (after a previous mc) we went to do the ultrasound at 14 weeks. They found that the bladder was obstructed and it was about as big as the baby's head. The doctor was very helpful and told us to wait a week and come back for another ultrasound. The 2nd was worse. The kidneys were now showing signs of trouble. The baby was not going to survive once delivered - if it reached that far.
Having to decide whether to terminate or take the baby to term was soooo hard. The hardest thing I have ever done (and I think I can say the same for my husband). With the miscarriage, I did not have any choice in the matter. The "choice" was almost unbearable. We did decide to terminate at about 15 weeks. I believe we made the best decision for us. I don't think it is wrong, but I seem to miss that I did not have a baby to hold, look at, to mourn. Isn't it strange that I feel a bit jealous of those who had that - on top of just missing my baby?
I am just feeling a bit alone in this. I have good days and bad. I am not looking forward to the due date of early Jan. Does anyone out there have a similar experience or words of wisdom? We performed small ceremony in our backyard with our then 3 year old son. He was the absolute best.
Just looking to feel not so alone.... Thanks.
Patty


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I lost my baby October 8th due to a prolapse cord during delivery. Although I have not experienced the same that you I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that you had such difficult decission to make. I do have a dear friend who lost her son due the same problem than you did. She decided to carry to term knowing full well (she is a LD nurse) that she would most likely loss him soon. This was seven years ago and now is the person that can really help me. I dont know why this happened but maybe down the road you will be able to help someone as much as she is helping me. Not that that makes you feel better... but it comforts me to know that maybe thanks to what i have gone through I will be there for someone who will need me in the future.
Again I am so sorry for your loss







The women here are a wonderful source of support. Also maybe you can find a support group in your area for infant loss that might be of help. My DH and I attended our first this last week and it was very helfpul to see we were not the only ones and that people do survive such a horrible thing.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm so sorry!


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)




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## littlemama06 (Oct 29, 2005)

OH, I am so sorry for you loss and our heartache.I pray you will find peace.


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

Patty,

I am so sorry that you guys had to make such a difficult desicion. If it helps you any I would like to offer my cousin's story. She was married at 17 (arranged marriage) and pregnant almost right away. She was told at about 15 weeks that the baby would definitely not live. I believe his brain was not developing, nor his spinal cord. She was recommended to terminate as the doctors assured that the baby had 0% chance of living outside the womb. Because of my family's religion, the would not allow the termination and said that g-d would decide, not the doctors. I guess I tell you this because I watched her go through this pregnancy for 9 months and I have never in my life seen such a sad, empty person. People would rub her belly and smile, while she just started blankly at them. Knowing that her baby was "dead" inside her was something that she has never quite recovered from.

I guess I tell you this because these decisions are so difficult and no matter what we choose, we always wonder what if... I hope you find peace soon. Many hugs to you. Take care of yourself.


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## Twilight (Jun 9, 2005)

My heart goes out to you Patty. My DH's friend and his wife had to go through that heart wrenching decision too after their 20 week ultrasound. From what I remember, the baby had a lot of tumors and would not live outside the womb. You can only make the best decision you can when you're in that circumstance. Your baby will never suffer... the little one only knew love. I hope you find peace down the road... it'll take time...


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

I am so very sorry.


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

oh i am so sorry you had to go through this


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## bobacat (May 20, 2004)

I did not have to make that very painful choice. However, I wanted to direct your attention to this website which specifically deals with what you are going through:
www.aheartbreakingchoice.com

Hugs,
Roxanne


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Know that you are not alone here.


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## Maderella (Mar 20, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. I am also so thankful to you for voicing somehting I have felt since losing my baby at 21 weeks. I too often feel jealous of those momma's here who lost their babies later in the pregnancy. It sounds so awful to say, or to even think but I have felt it since I lost my daughter. I see the momma's here who have these beautiful pictures of their babies, they have memories of holding their babies, even if just for a moment or two. It sounds so very wrong to say I am jealous, but I am. The pain of losing a baby later in the pregnancy must be more intense, but I'd trade that for the moments I didn't get, the many baby kicks, the hiccoughs, being able to rub my cheeck against her soft downy head, being able to touch her tiny hands, and feet.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

to you Mama

I also had that painful decission to make. We went in at our 20 week ultrasound and found that our baby had kidney issues, over the next 6 weeks it was shown that our son had no kidney function (and thus no amniotic fluid) and a whole horde of other problems. We finally got enough fluid to do an amnio and the results came back that our son had trisomy 9, which is incompatible with life. After many tears and trying to figure out what to do we decided to deliver the baby sooner rather then later, but our son ended up dying on his own a couple of days before the induction. It is a very hard choice to have to make and I always hate telling people the choice we had to make.

Did you name your baby?

take care

tara


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nydiagonz*
People would rub her belly and smile, while she just started blankly at them. Knowing that her baby was "dead" inside her was something that she has never quite recovered from.

Something similar happened to my grandmother. She got German Measles while she was pregnant and knew that the baby wouldn't survive. It was the 1950's though, and she couldn't get a termination, so she had to carry the pregnancy knowing that the baby would be stillborn.

Take care of yourself.


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## Naughty Dingo (May 23, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss Mama. I am glad that you and your husband and son were able to celebrate your baby in your own way. I am sending you love and peace to help lift during these upcoming weeks.

Love, ND


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## minimunklemama (Nov 24, 2004)

oh mama I am so sorry that you have to go through this,








I am sorry for your loss,


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## Raynbow (Aug 2, 2004)

I also had a young friend whose unborn baby died in utero during the third trimester and she had to carry him for a bit longer and finally give birth to her deceased babe... I remember being so devestated for her... she was sooo young and just utterly destroyed by the loss, then having to give birth knowing. I'm crying just remembering her pain. *ug*
*hugs*


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## Charles Baudelaire (Apr 14, 2003)

I am so sorry. I haven't been through what you've gone through, but if I had ever been faced with your decision, I would have done exactly as you did. You were humane and compassionate in allowing him to be released from suffering. I wish the best for you and your family.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ps_ramey*
In June of this year, after much rejoicing upon finding out I was pregnant (after a previous mc) we went to do the ultrasound at 14 weeks. They found that the bladder was obstructed and it was about as big as the baby's head. The doctor was very helpful and told us to wait a week and come back for another ultrasound. The 2nd was worse. The kidneys were now showing signs of trouble. The baby was not going to survive once delivered - if it reached that far.
Having to decide whether to terminate or take the baby to term was soooo hard. The hardest thing I have ever done (and I think I can say the same for my husband). With the miscarriage, I did not have any choice in the matter. The "choice" was almost unbearable. We did decide to terminate at about 15 weeks. I believe we made the best decision for us. I don't think it is wrong, but I seem to miss that I did not have a baby to hold, look at, to mourn. Isn't it strange that I feel a bit jealous of those who had that - on top of just missing my baby?
I am just feeling a bit alone in this. I have good days and bad. I am not looking forward to the due date of early Jan. Does anyone out there have a similar experience or words of wisdom? We performed small ceremony in our backyard with our then 3 year old son. He was the absolute best.
Just looking to feel not so alone.... Thanks.
Patty


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

I believe, if from no other perspective than your physical well-being, you made the best decision; had you carried the baby to term you would have had a longer physical recovery and would have begun to lactate. I know for me, that would have been harder.


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## Yamsy (Mar 25, 2004)

I went through what you are going through in 2000. Please accept my deepest sympathy. Our much-desired baby son was diagnosed at 19 weeks through amniocentesis as having Pallister-Killian syndrome, and was unlikely to live to be born. I felt like running for the hills to "protect" my baby from harm, but then I had to realize that I couldn't protect him. That he was not destined to live with us. It was the most heart-breaking period of our lives. Through the support of my husband and best friend, I managed to make some sense of it all, and emerge on the other side a deeper and more compassionate person. About 10 months later I conceived our daughter, and now I feel like I understand that if things hadn't worked out exactly as they had, I wouldn't have my beautiful, loving little girl. I understand that SHE was the one destined to be our child, and she wasn't ready to come to us any earlier. Maybe I sound a bit goofy saying that, but I honestly believe that the right children go to the right parents (well, most of the time). That perspective really helped me heal. You will never forget, but you will heal. And you may go on to help others too. It does get better.


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## midge81 (Jun 17, 2005)

I had an ectopic pregnancy in Jan of 01. I was only 19 and didn't know if I ever wanted to be a mom or if I was with the right guy or if I was even going to keep the baby. I had to look at the ectopic pregnancy on the ultrasound screen. It was terrible to look at. A perfectly healthy baby that had no chance. After that, I knew I would be a mom someday. I had to have surgery to remove the baby. The support & reaction of my now husband showed me that he was the one for me forever. We are now blessed to have a 2 yr old girl and a 2 month old boy. I don't know if we would have had children so soon without that heartwrenching experience, or if I would have completely understood my husbands magical character. Everything happens for a reason & I hope you heal soon.


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## eightyferrettoes (May 22, 2005)

I terminated on September 17th, 2003, following a diagnosis of "multiple fetal anomolies incompatible with life." She turned out to have Fryns syndrome, a rare recurrent syndrome. I was 21 weeks along.

It's so hard, mama. And it will be for a long time. I second the recommendation of www.aheartbreakingchoice.com I found a lot of support there for the aftermath of the termination.

My only wisdom is that you are probably grieving for two babies right now: the dreamed-of, healthy baby, with the bright future, and the babe as she really was.

My grief for the "dream baby" has subsided, as I've come to accept that nothing I did would have made that dream a reality for her. But the sorrow for the baby-as-she-really-was will probably always be there.

PM me if you ever want to chat about it.

Be good to yourself.


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## hippycrite (Jan 23, 2003)

I'm very sorry for your loss. I had my second miscarriage earlier this year. My due date was last week and I felt very empty. And today, my friend who was due at the same time is having her baby. I hate the feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, that I have toward many pregnant women, but especially my friends that are pregnant. A bunch of us got pregnant in the same 6-8 week period, so they're starting to have their babies and I wish I could just not know about their deliveries...

My first miscarriage was many years ago and I know from experience that this grief does get better. Knowing that doesn't really make it easier to get through, though. I think your feelings are completely normal, however abnormal they may feel.

Best wishes to you


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I'm so sorry. You have lived through my worst nightmare. I'm sending healing thoughts out to you. Please do not beat yourself up over any of this.


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## sszymonski (Dec 5, 2005)

I too will tell my story, In February, at our 20 week US, we found a large brain defect. Our son would never have a functional life, wouldn''t be able to breathe on his own, feed himself and most likely wouldn't live. We decided to terminate at the advice of several loved ones and medical staff. It was the hardest thing we ever had to do. And we had to go to a different state because our home town will not induce labor, they prefer you and the child suffer I guess. Anyway, the staff were very considerate and caring. Our insurance denied payment because we went out of state. It was a difficult time. I made a box for Jacob with all of our memories. The staff dressed our son and we were able to hold him after the delivery and that helped. In a few months I became pregnant again. Worried but optimistic, waited until my 12 weeks to go for my ob appt and US showed no heart beat and no growth from 6-7 weeks. We were faced with loss again. But we stay positive, in Oct. I m/c at 6 weeks and here we are two months later and a positive test. 5 weeks along we anxiously await our first US next week. Even with the losses we have suffered we find the courage to try, try again. Knowing that it is truly out of our control and god grants us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. God bless you and you are in my thoughts and prayers through this healing.
Shiela


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## nursiemom (Nov 6, 2002)

I am so very sorry for your heartbreaking decision and for the loss of your precious baby. I did not have to make the decision on whether or not to terminate, but I definitely understand your feelings of wanting to hold and touch your baby.... I lost my 3rd pregnancy in a partial molar pregnancy at 12.5 weeks-- the baby was formed but had 3 sets of genetic material instead of the normal 2, which left her with multiple genetic defects incompatible with life. I had an emergency d & c because I was beginning to hemorrhage inside, and there was nothing left of my baby to see afterwards. I joined a few pregnancy/infant loss support groups, but they weren't as helpful as I would have liked. The women who had lost babies at 6 or 8 weeks talked about how they were thankful they hadn't told anyone yet, or how they were so happy they hadn't been showing yet. I was wearing maternity clothes and had joyfully told everyone after we saw her heartbeat at 8 weeks. The women who had lost babies later in their pregnancies talked about holding their babies or visiting their graves or ashes. I had nothing from my baby to hold on to. I still feel that wrenching pain when I think of how much I long to hold my baby. I wish I knew a place for those of us who lost babies but never had a chance to see them or hold them.... My then 2.5 year old and I released balloons on my due date. I wrote a letter to my baby and my daughter drew a picture, we attached them to the balloons, and let the ballons go into the sunset.... It was beautiful....

I'm so sorry, you have been through so much. I pray you will find healing and peace.....


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

~Nay


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## Zoeanne (Dec 4, 2005)

I would like to recommend another website that helped me through a similar situation:

http://www.hygeia.org/

In addittion to info about pregnancy loss, it contains a searchable database of women who have experienced pregnancy loss--discussion forums and email addresses are available of women who have gone through what you have and are experiencing.

I am glad that you performed a memorial service--I found that having tangible items (ultrasound pics, a blankie I brought to my induction of labor) helped me to grieve for my Cady Antoinette, who we lost to Trisomy 18 at around 20 weeks. My heart goes out to you--since my experience, I have realized how completely our society disregards pregnancy loss, and how women are expected to get over what was never a "real" death in the first place (except of course, all of the wonderful women who have shown thier support for you through this forum!)

May the Divine spirit guide your healing.


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