# back again....miscarriage 2



## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

Hi everyone,

We headed to the Dr. for our first u/s today at 9 weeks and discovered that there was no baby in the little sac on the screen, and blood behind the placenta...don't know if there ever was a little one or if he/she died a couple of weeks ago...no spotting, some cramping/ painful sensations....
Planning to wait until this happens naturally.

Right now I'm in denial and shock, feeling somewhat numb, and don't know what to do next......


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Oh Jesse, I'm so sorry, this is just terrible. I was just thinking about you this morning.
Big hug to you and Beth.


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## traci5489 (Oct 27, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## KateSt. (Nov 25, 2003)

Jesse,







I just can't believe this happened to you. Even though my dh and I are going through something similiar right now, I can't imagine the disappointment, frustration, and utter sadness you and Beth must be feeling right now.
I'll pm you...

Love, Kate


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

((hugs)) i am sorry for your loss









tara


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

{{{{ Jesse and Beth }}}}

Oh, no. I am so sad to hear this. I follow ttc threads all the time and was so happy for you.









Please take good care of yourself in this time. It can be so hard to wait.








I am so sorry for your loss.

mb


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Jesse, I'm so very sorry







. You both must be in shock right now.

Please let us know how the miscarriage is progressing. You know the signs of infection to look for. But please be aware of what's happening with your body right now. Make sure you're getting pleanty of rest and drinking enough water.

We're here to listen and hold your hand in cyber space.


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## LisaG (Feb 23, 2003)

Oh Jesse,

I'm so sorry to hear your news. It just sucks, and it's totally understandable that you're numb. That was certainly my first response.

Take good care of yourself - we're all here to listen and support you during this heartbreak














.

Sending you and Beth much support and strength.

LisaG


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## heveasoul (Sep 27, 2003)

Oh Jesse, I'm so sorry for your loss. Know that we're here to listen and give hugs.

Take care of yourself.


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## BeeandOwlsMum (Jul 11, 2002)

Oh Jesse - I am so sorry.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

thanks everyone....feeling a bit more sadness right now (now that I'm not in the office). And I think I may be starting to cramp a bit too....Told my parents which was really hard, as they were very excited.
Feeling angry and frustrated and despairing that I will ever, ever, ever get pg and have my own baby.
we really appreciate all your hugs. I'll check back later....


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

The anger is normal Jesse, so is the numbness.
Take good care of yourself, feet up, relax, lot's of water.


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## ScooterMama1 (Feb 2, 2004)

Jesse I am so sorry to hear your news. I will keep you in my thoughts.







s

Pamela


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## chiromama (Dec 29, 2003)

Jesse, just wanted to stop in and send you my







too. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, I was so excited for you and Beth. Please be together and love eachother as much as you need to right now. Know that we are all here for you, with







and









You're welcome back to the TTC boards whenever you feel ready, we'll see what we can do to help you remember how to laugh.

Please be good and gentle to yourself in the meantime.








Korin


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

I can't even begin to say how sorry I am that this happened. I was so happy for you and Beth, and so excited! And now... now









Please, take good care of one another (it has to be awful for Beth, too, I'm sure she's trying to be supportive and stoic, but hugs to her, too!) And to your parents... oh, this is so hard all the way around!

I echo Korin's invitation to rejoin us in the TTC One Thread when you feel ready -- even if you aren't ready to start trying again, we all love you and want to be there for you! But do whatever you need to!

my heart goes out to you. PM me if you need another person to lean on!


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## Jessviola (Jun 17, 2003)

jesse,
i'm so sorry to hear of your loss. healing vibes going out to you.


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## Lucysmama (Apr 29, 2003)

Jesse-

I am so saddened to hear of your loss. I lost two in a row this winter and it was just awful.









I don't really know what to say....just sending my sympathy, and warm thoughts to you and Beth.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

thanks everyone....Your support really means a lot because I haven't been able to bring myself to tell many people IRL yet.
I think by not telling people, I can stay in denial a little longer....

I should say that your words really mean a lot to Beth too, she checks the board occasionally and appreciates all your hugs etc.

I'm at a complete loss. To top everything, i have started a new, fairly high stress, high demand job this week. While I'm excited about it and it is distracting, I can't really process how I can both be there & give it energy & give energy to grief as well.

I seem to still mostly be numb....with occasional breakdowns. I don't know how I will get through this as the last m/c pretty much knocked me out for 3-4 months emotionally, and even longer with my cycles etc. I can't really imagine trying again right now...
I don't know what to do next about the m/c either...I see my doc next week who I know will suggest some kind of surgical or drug intervention....I also have a mw I can talk to...I would prefer a natural approach, but I don't know if I can stand the wait...

thanks to all for listening & support.....


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Oh, that's too bad about the new job, cause I would have suggested a nice break was in order.... somewhere relaxing and warm where you can be alone (with Beth, but you know what I mean) and cry and dream and feel everything.

The numbness might have something to do with the incompleteness of it, right? I admire your resolve to see this end naturally, and I think that's a good course of action, but if it gets too painful to not be able to move on, don't be ashamed to seek help.

However you do this, there is no right way, and no wrong way. There is only the best you can do for you and your body!

One breath at a time...

(((((((((((((((Jesse)))))))))))))))))


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## mama2m&m (Nov 19, 2001)

i'm so terribly sorry.


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## Bunches (Dec 8, 2003)

Jesse and Beth - soooooooooooo sorry!!!!!!! Words cannot even express how sorry I am. We are going through the same thing right now and letting it happen naturally. My thoughts are with you and your partner.


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## BabyOsMommy (Jul 1, 2003)

Jesse,

I just came over here after reading gonnabeamom's post, and I'm so sad for you also!







s and







! You will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm so sorry that this happened.

Please do whatever you need to do to grieve in a way that you feel is right, be it ending this with assistance, or waiting it out. There are no right or wrong answers when something like this happens, just do whatever moves you to finding some comfort and peace.

more







s,
Annette


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## jecaly (Oct 6, 2003)

aw jesse, i'm so, so sorry.

we found out our last miscarriage was happening from an ultrasound that revealed an empty sac, too. at the time it was just horrifying, but later i found it slightly easier not to be mourning a specific image of a person--i hope that gives you a little peace, too.

i'll be thinking of you and beth so much, as you go through this. keep us posted on how you're doing, okay?

(((hugs)))

jennifer


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## lisabc311 (May 18, 2003)

I am so so sorry for your loss.





































Do what you need to grieve. PM me if you want to talk. I have been down that road too many times, as well.

Take care of yourself.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

Hi everyone,

A brief update, as I really appreciate all your ongoing support.
After running from all of this for a few days, I am feeling devastated right now. I feel like I've completely lost trust in my body that it will ever be able to carry a baby to term, I feel completely overwhelmed & exhausted by the thought of having to go through TTC again. I feel so so sad that this baby didn't stay around. I feel uncertain about what to do next --wait for unassisted m/c, take medication, go the d&c route--maybe I need this for closure? Physically I am exhausted, I slept for 12 hours each night this weekend (which I never do), I still feel pg sometimes, or sometimes feel like I have the worst case ever of PMS....
I did talk to my new boss today which was good, at least she knows, but I also am worried that I have somehow jeopardized my prospects here now that she knows I am TTC. Which is probably untrue, but my job feels more important to me now that I know I may be here for a long, long time...

Wanting to reach out for help, wanting to crawl under a rock, eating lots of unhealthy food, and not taking my vitamins, herbs, getting my exercise, doing yoga etc... (but I am trying to drink water !)

that's where I am. Thanks for all your hugs, thanks for listening. I feel so loved here & it really helps that so many of you can relate, though I wish none of us ever had to go through this!

Kate-thanks for starting the TTC thread. I'll come & join it in a little while, when I'm feeling more ready....


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I'm so sorry sweetie, the loss of trust in your body is perhaps the worst part of all of this. I've been thinking of you and Gonnabe almost constantly since this happened. I know for me after the last m/c I had moments where I felt I couldn't go on. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to feel, it just hurt to "be"
It does get better and the time will come when you can allow yourself to open your heart again, but take your time and do what you need to do to get there.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

Jesse,

The uncertainity about what to do seems to plague me too, and that's just about whether to get out of bed or not-my jobs not full time-so there is no routine to throw myself into to. I trust your heart will tell you what to do when you are ready.

Even if you had gone ahead with D&C, there is still a natural break before you can start TTC again, so know that you have time before you have to face that, and then too you'll know when you are ready.

I second you on unhealthy food, and neglecting everything but water. I usually eat no gluten and no cow's milk dairy, no coffee. Today breakfast was a mocha and a chocolate croissant, lunch was a ham and cheese sandwich, and chocolate mousse and coffee. I figure any little indulgence that might make me feel better is cool.

I'm babbling, but I want you to know you are not alone, and that everything you are feeling seems so natural to me. Give my love to Beth, and I hope that with time this devastation will lessen.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

thanks again for all your care & support everyone. I don`t really feel able to respond to all your wonderful individual posts right now, and I'm sorry....I just feel like I don't have very much to give to others....I want to take & take & take.....

But I really appreciate all the words from women who have been there before and can relate....

I think I will post more of an update elsewhere, later today...we had a good visit with our doc today (even if we saw some other lesbian TTC friends who we suspect might be pg & I can't be happy for them







) and I'm feeling okay about that, he was very compassionate. Also, I just got an acceptance into a PhD. program today...something I had kinda put on the back burner...but now I will think about some more....but I can't feel excited in the slightest....

I send loving, self-caring thoughts to all of you today, no matter where you're at: TTC, m/cing, pg or mama-ing....hope you take good care of yourself....


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## stanya (Apr 7, 2004)

Hey jesse, not sure if you'll get this post. I'm so so sorry. You said hello to me when I first joined the site and I just want to send you tons of positive hope for the next time.
Stanya


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

Jesse -- USE this time to take-take-take! DO NOT be concerned about giving anything back yet. When the time comes, and you are starting to feel whole again, then you will know it's OK to give back and be generous, and you can repay the favor of those of who have supported you by being supportive to those who need it in turn.

If you want any advice on the PhD front (from someone who supported my partner when he was in a PhD program and has seen lots of friends go through it, too), PM me. I'm very pro-PhD, but I do think it's best to be prepared for what level of intenseness it's going to be!


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