# WWYD? Can no longer trust babysitter



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

DD's babysitter sits with her on occasion so DH and I can go out or on the rare occasion I have something to do and really can't bring DD with me. I like her as does DD and we've even added her to our holiday gift list. Ialso purchased a birthday gift for her bday next month.

Anyway, this past Friday she comes to sit with DD. Like a lot of parents who feed their children a certain way, I always make sure to have her meals and snacks prepared ahead of time. When she arrived DD had just woken up from a nap so I gave her a snack. Before I left I reminded her that I left all of DD's snacks were on the counter and her dinner was in the fridge but just needed to be warmed up. This has been the same routine for almost a year when she comes to sit with DD. She's also aware that we don't give DD certain food items.

Before I left I also told her it was fine for DD to watch two specific shows on our free on demand channel. She's also aware that we don't let DD watch a lot of television. We have plenty of items for DD to play with and books for her to "read" or to be read to her.

When DH and I got back the sitter casually mentions that she gave DD some Doritos to quiet her because she was asking for milk. I asked her why she didn't just give her the milk. I prepared her sippy cups ahead of time and like I normally do before I leave, told her I prepared an extra one if she wants milk after her snack which is often the case. She said she was eating the Doritos she brought with her and DD asked for one. We don't let DD eat Doritos and if she wanted a snack she could have had what we left out for her. I mentioned to her we don't let her eat Doritos and in the future if she's not sure about what to give her please call or text me (this is something I've mentioned before. She can always call).Anyway, she just said "oh,okay" and that was it. I decided to let it go even t hough I was really annoyed. Why? If DD wanted milk it was fine to give it to her. This is something she knows! It's milk not Cola.

I let that go. On Saturday DH is going through the demand channels because DD asked to watch a show. As he was looking through the titles he asked me since when did we start letting DD watch Spongebob. I asked him what he was talking about. On our demand channels you can see what shows were viewed because it gives you the option of resuming or restarting a show. When he clicked resume for the next 6 or 7 shows they were at the end of the credits which means the shows were watched in its entirety. DH is extremely P.O'ed that the sitter had DD watching tv the entire time we were gone.

She's not normally disrespectful to what we ask of her but maybe she has been and this is just the first time she got caught. She must have let her watch the shows because DD, since Friday has been bugging us about watching Spongebob! I wondered where she gotit from but figured she picked it up at the park or something.

I'm annoyed because one, we've been crystal clear about what's okay and not okay in our home. I've also told the sitter she can call me if she's unsure about something. I also make sure she is comfortable in our home. SHe's welcome to whatever's in our cabinets and we either order her dinner(from a place of her choosing) or reimburse her for something she picks up on her way over.

I no longer trust her. DD has plenty of items to keep her busy that don't involve several episodes of Spongebob Squareshirts.

SHould I just let it go and no longer have her sit with DD or say something to her and not have her over to sit with DD. I'm very hurt because I trusted this young lady and was able to enjoy myself while she was with DD and not be crazy with worry. I want to let her know why I won't ask her over but maybe it's best to just let it and her go?


----------



## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

If you don't trust the sitter, find a new sitter.

But there really aren't very many teenage babysitters in the world who will have a problem letting your kid watch Spongebob, or (absent food allergies) feeding her the occasional Dorito. You have some very strict, very high standards here, and you might be better off hiring an adult. I know that's more expensive, but if these are major issues for you, that's what I think you need to do.


----------



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Well, from my perspective, if you have a babysitter that you like, your DD likes, and she is satisfactory in most ways I would not let a couple of Doritos and Spongebob be the hill to die on.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I loved the nights our babysitter came over. Yes, we watched more TV (or movies) and ate less healthy snacks, but we had a lot of fun and really, in the big picture, no harm was done and a lot of fun was had.


----------



## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MeepyCat* 
If you don't trust the sitter, find a new sitter.

But there really aren't very many teenage babysitters in the world who will have a problem letting your kid watch Spongebob, or (absent food allergies) feeding her the occasional Dorito. You have some very strict, very high standards here, and you might be better off hiring an adult. I know that's more expensive, but if these are major issues for you, that's what I think you need to do.

This. Do you have a family member, or close friend, who knows your routines and rules, and could follow them more rigidly? Someone like this might be more helpful for you, and you could also relax on your date out with DH, knowing your DD is getting the level of care you desire.

We rarely have a baby sitter, but I let A LOT of stuff fly when we do. I don't worry about chips and junk and extra computer time or whatever, because in the long run, imo none of that is life changing.


----------



## Artichokie (Jun 19, 2007)

I would poop a brick if my dd was given doritos or permitted to watch spongebob. Those things are so far from acceptable that they aren't even in the same universe. Having a sitter permit those items would be a huge breach of trust and she would be fired.


----------



## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

The other thing is that she may be interpreting your requests differently than you intended.

So, if she comes from a family where SpongeBob is OK for kids, and you say "She can watch Caillou or Clifford on the On Demand" what she probably heard was "she can watch cartoons from On Demand". What you _didn't_ say was: "She can't watch anything else _other than these two programs_." Do you see the difference?

Ditto for the food. You said "Her food is in the fridge" not "Do not feed her anything except what I've prepared for her."

Now, I'd be a little ticked that she felt the need to bring in Doritos and then eat them in front of my kid. If she was a teen, I'd probably chalk it up to inexperience, tell her I don't want my kid eating junk food, and let it go. I'd also make sure that there are snacks for HER that would be OK for her to share with my child.

It sounds to me that you need to make your expectations clearer. If you do that and she still can't follow what you ask, then I'd question her judgment.

The only babysitter I've ever 'fired' (actually it was less dramatic than that, we just never asked her back), was one that did not follow the bedtime routine that _I had written out_, and didn't listen when our kids told her that (a) they slept with the hall light on and (b) with their doors open. I came home to terrified kids who were lying awake in the dark. Not cool.

So, if you can't trust her judgment on big things, then I think it's cause to stop the relationships. For something like junk food and TV shows, it depends on how big a deal it was to you in the big scheme of things.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

While I also wouldn't care about the Doritos (blech!) or Spongebob, I don't think that's really the point. The sitter knew what was okay with the parents, let them believe (except with the Doritos) that she was following their wishes, but didn't. That's not okay. And, I was a teenage babysitter (rarely). I would have thought the parents were nuts if they had such rigid rules...but I would have either followed them, or not taken the job. I don't think being a teenager is a good excuse for ignoring the parent's requests.

OP: I think I'd probably talk to her, make it clear what your expectations are, and tell her that if she does something unacceptable again, you won't be bringing her back. You could just fire her straight up - but it is a PITA to find a new sitter, and you say your dd likes her, so I'd probably give the one warning.


----------



## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Why don't you just have available one movie for your dd to watch and ban TV while she is baby-sitting? I would give her another chance.


----------



## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MeepyCat* 
If you don't trust the sitter, find a new sitter.

But there really aren't very many teenage babysitters in the world who will have a problem letting your kid watch Spongebob, or (absent food allergies) feeding her the occasional Dorito. You have some very strict, very high standards here, and you might be better off hiring an adult. I know that's more expensive, but if these are major issues for you, that's what I think you need to do.

I truly, truly don't think that many teens would think these items were hard and fast rules. I remember as a young babysitter giving a child a drink of my red pop.







I happily told the parents when they got back that their dd loved pop! (She was like a year old). Now, looking back, they were polite but obviously they weren't thrilled I'd given their baby pop. Frankly, it just hadn't occured to me that it would be a no-no. I'm not at all saying I was right but I'm just being honest.

And are you going to forbid the babysitter not eat Doritos? Because I think you can't eat something enticing like that in front of a little kid and them not expect you to share.

How old is your dd?

Also, I'd point out that many households, not mine, have the TV going on all the time in the background. Maybe the sitter had it on while she played with your dd.


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

My daughter babysits one of my daycare kids. All they eat is "pasta". (that's what my daughter says) I'm pretty sure this is an exaggeration.

So, my daughter will bring her own food in occasionally. I always make sure she has a treat that she can share with the little girl. Her parents are picky too... But, my daughter doesn't fully understand that. She kinda "gets it" but, not the same way an adult would. Teenagers don't think the same way an adult does, so you have to actually be clear with her. You can't just say "her food is in the fridge", because that's not clear enough. You need to say "SHe can't have anything that's not on her plate" and, then go ahead and explain why.

Many people grow up with tv on all the time. It's on in the background, and they are probably doing something else. So, maybe your daugher wasn't lounging on the couch watching Sponge Bob. Although, I would think that most teenagers would know that not everybody is OK with Sponge Bob.

I had a parent tell me once (after almost a year of watching her kids) that her kids weren't allowed to watch Rugrats. I was 30 years old, and had NO CLUE that a parent wouldn't let the kids watch Rugrats... they had NO CLUE that a parent WOULD let their kids watch it. So, they didn't tell me, and I let the grade school kids come home and watch it almost every day. It would have made all the difference in the world if they'd told me.


----------



## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Well, from my perspective, if you have a babysitter that you like, your DD likes, and she is satisfactory in most ways I would not let a couple of Doritos and Spongebob be the hill to die on.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I loved the nights our babysitter came over. Yes, we watched more TV (or movies) and ate less healthy snacks, but we had a lot of fun and really, in the big picture, no harm was done and a lot of fun was had.

I agree with this, especially for teenage sitters. The teenager next door watches my dd sometimes and she is very fun. She also lets my dd watch Hannah Montana and drink a soda. I go out so rarely and we talk so openly about our values that these aren't big concerns for me. If they are big concerns to you then I think you need to be very specific about leaving a list of approved movies and food. I also have fond memories of junk food and movie night when we had a sitter, and as a teen sitter that is all the parents ever said they wanted (they typically provided the junk food even). We would often play games while the movies were on in the background, but there was always a movie and cookies or something along those lines.


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I would probably say something like, "Hey, it looks I dropped the ball and wasn't clear enough about our expectations for food and TV. DD is only to eat the stuff we prepare for her, and she is only to watch Little Bear and Clifford (or whatever 2 shows). Sorry for the miscommunication! She really loves hanging out with you, and we love knowing that she's having fun, but all of us caregivers need to be on the same page. Let me know anytime you have questions, okay?"


----------



## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

I'm also guessing she had no idea that those things were strictly forbidden. Heck, there are many adults who wouldn't think twice about one dorito and some Spongebob, let alone a teenager. Just different perspectives on what is and isn't ok.

I think it depends on how you worded the rules. As a PP said, there's a big difference between "she can watch x and y on demand" and "she can ONLY watch x and y on demand, no other shows."

For the food, as a teen I'm guessing she thought you got the food out to make it easier, not because that's all she was allowed to eat. Again, unless you were clear that she was not to be given anything else.


----------



## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Seriously I thought this was gonna be much worse than Doritos and Spongebob.

You actually have a baby-sitter your child likes, I remember as a child when my baby sitter came it meant I got to eat junk food and stay up watching fun TV.

Really I'd let it go, but honestly my standards regarding junk food and TV are kinda lax compared to some on MDC. I just don't think that these two things are deal-breakers.


----------



## Mackenzie (Sep 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Norasmomma* 
Seriously I thought this was gonna be much worse than Doritos and Spongebob.

You actually have a baby-sitter your child likes, I remember as a child when my baby sitter came it meant I got to eat junk food and stay up watching fun TV.

Really I'd let it go, but honestly my standards regarding junk food and TV are kinda lax compared to some on MDC. I just don't think that these two things are deal-breakers.

I agree on all points. I also agree with PP who suggested it may be a problem with what you said and what she heard. I have found that many people simply dont get our eating habits no matter how hard they try, even adults. To me the benefits far outweigh the risks here. However, I have three kids and have been a parent for over 12 years so I have long learned that there are some things you have to let go.


----------



## velochic (May 13, 2002)

This would be a deal-breaker for me, but then again, my 8yo has never had Doritos or seen Spongebob and those *are* hills I would die on.

However, unless you gave explicit instructions that she deliberately ignored, I'd at least give her one more chance. I wouldn't say trust has been completely broken unless she is defying you.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MeepyCat* 
If you don't trust the sitter, find a new sitter.

But there really aren't very many teenage babysitters in the world who will have a problem letting your kid watch Spongebob, or (absent food allergies) feeding her the occasional Dorito. You have some very strict, very high standards here, and you might be better off hiring an adult. I know that's more expensive, but if these are major issues for you, that's what I think you need to do.

Thanks.Want to point out though she's not a teenager. She's about to graduate college in December. I also don't think it's strict or high standards to expect her to feed what we've provided and not have her in frontof the tv the entire time.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I would probably say something like, "Hey, it looks I dropped the ball and wasn't clear enough about our expectations for food and TV. DD is only to eat the stuff we prepare for her, and she is only to watch Little Bear and Clifford (or whatever 2 shows). Sorry for the miscommunication! She really loves hanging out with you, and we love knowing that she's having fun, but all of us caregivers need to be on the same page. Let me know anytime you have questions, okay?"


This is great advice. Thank you! Would you suggest a special phone call to say this or wait until the next time we ask her over if we ask her to sit again? Although it's not likely. My usually very laid back DH is ticked off. He says we pay her well per hour and if he wanted DD stuck in front of the tv while we're out we'd leave her with one of our anything goes relatives who'd be willing to watch her for free and feed her all of the crap in their pantry.

I honestly don't think it's rigid (I forgot the poster who said this) to expect her to give her what we provide and let her play with the many toys she has or to just let her watch two tv shows. I don't think I could have explained myself better to the sitter without sounding condescending. She's been sitting with DD for nearly a year. Long enough to know we don't give our child Doritos or let her watch 6 episodes of spongebob. She knows DD didn't even start watching some shows until she turned 2.

I can get over the Dorito thing because she mentioned it. I think she was careless but not malicious.


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Well, from my perspective, if you have a babysitter that you like, your DD likes, and she is satisfactory in most ways I would not let a couple of Doritos and Spongebob be the hill to die on.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I loved the nights our babysitter came over. Yes, we watched more TV (or movies) and ate less healthy snacks, but we had a lot of fun and really, in the big picture, no harm was done and a lot of fun was had.

I agree with this. How often does she babysit? If it were an everyday thing I'd worry more but just occasionally doesn't seem like a big deal to me.


----------



## hopefulfaith (Mar 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
Thanks.Want to point out though she's not a teenager. She's about to graduate college in December. I also don't think it's strict or high standards to expect her to feed what we've provided and not have her in frontof the tv the entire time.

See, I was a high school/college babysitter and I don't think your standards are too high. I think your babysitter has it made, frankly. You prepare all of your dd's snacks/drinks/meals, you allow specific TV, and you order/reimburse your babysitter's food?

Heck, I would like to come and babysit for you!









I would spell out your expectations one more time for this sitter. I would tell her exactly what happened -- you can see what was watched/your dd is asking for shows you don't permit, you don't allow your dd to eat junk food, etc. I'd tell her flat out "I'd like to give you another chance, since my dd loves you so much/we love you/whatever...., but these are the guidelines. Are you good with that?"

If she isn't, or if she's deliberately defying you, I would find another one. College-age kids are old enough to get this kind of stuff.


----------



## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Well, from my perspective, if you have a babysitter that you like, your DD likes, and she is satisfactory in most ways I would not let a couple of Doritos and Spongebob be the hill to die on.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I loved the nights our babysitter came over. Yes, we watched more TV (or movies) and ate less healthy snacks, but we had a lot of fun and really, in the big picture, no harm was done and a lot of fun was had.

yeah that.

I can't see firing a sitter over this, but then, even though I wouldn't eat Doritos or sit through an entire episode of Sponge Bob myself, I do let my children enjoy both of these things on occasion. I mean, I get that these are things you strictly forbid, and it's your kid, but most teenagers (and even adults) don't see the harm in a few chips and not-so-fabulous cartoons from time to time.

If it were me, I would allow the kid to let loose a bit when the babysitter was coming over. Unless it were an every day thing, I know my kids would enjoy it. In fact, they go to daycare once a week every Sunday night while DH and I are in Love & Logic parenting classes and they love that there are movies they haven't seen and they get to have boxes of cracker jacks and capri suns for snack (the daycare provides these - I guess I could all out ban it, but it's once a week).

eta: I do understand that it would be extremely frustrating to have a sitter who didn't follow your rules - but the examples are pretty innocent, IMO, and not things that would be put your child in immediate harm. I would have some deal breakers myself, but an incident like that wouldn't be included.


----------



## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I think I'd treat this time as a communication issue, not a trust issue. If it happened again then I'd be thinking differently.

ETA: Although these wouldn't be my issues...but just generally.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hopefulfaith* 
See, I was a high school/college babysitter and I don't think your standards are too high. I think your babysitter has it made, frankly. *You prepare all of your dd's snacks/drinks/meals, you allow specific TV, and you order/reimburse your babysitter's food?*
Heck, I would like to come and babysit for you!









I would spell out your expectations one more time for this sitter. I would tell her exactly what happened -- you can see what was watched/your dd is asking for shows you don't permit, you don't allow your dd to eat junk food, etc. I'd tell her flat out "I'd like to give you another chance, since my dd loves you so much/we love you/whatever...., but these are the guidelines. Are you good with that?"

If she isn't, or if she's deliberately defying you, I would find another one. College-age kids are old enough to get this kind of stuff.


Yes and this may be part of my annoyance. Make sure DD is safe, change her and play with her and feed her what we provide. I don't thnk it's a lot to ask and because DH and I have both witnessed childcare providers being treated very poorly by the parents of the children they take care of, we go out of our way to make sure she feels respected and treated well. If we come back earlier than the time we've set with her, we still pay her for the amount of hours we said we'd be gone. If we go out to eat I text her and ask her if she wants dessert. I figure the better I treat the person who's caring for my child, the easier it will be for her to follow basic rules. Maybe that is silly thinking on my part.

I like your idea of spelling out the expectations again. If DH is okay with that I'll do it. DD does like her and if things don't work out with her, we wouldn't bother with a sitter for awhile and go back to movie dates on the sofa when DD is asleep.


----------



## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

I just want to add that Spongebob being on doesn't mean that they were glued to the tube.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PoppyMama* 
I just want to add that Spongebob being on doesn't mean that they were glued to the tube.

Yep, you're right but whether she was glued to the tv or not it wasn't something I wanted her watching especially not six episodes in a row. I'm sure the sitter just didn't have a Spongbob fix she needed to take care of right away. LOL


----------



## emilysmama (Jun 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MeepyCat* 
But there really aren't very many teenage babysitters in the world who will have a problem letting your kid watch Spongebob, or (absent food allergies) feeding her the occasional Dorito. You have some very strict, very high standards here, and you might be better off hiring an adult. I know that's more expensive, but if these are major issues for you, that's what I think you need to do.

I don't think those are very strict very high standards at all, and I certainly don't think they require an adult. Suffice it to say that I am a lot more restrictive in my directions to my sitters, and many of them are younger (some are much younger) than your sitter, and I have never had a problem. I have hired sitters in middle school, high school, college, college graduates, you name it. As long as I made my expectations clear at the beginning, my sitters had no problem enforcing/following them, no matter their ages.

Based on what you said, I would just switch to a different sitter without saying anything to your old sitter. I wouldn't sit down and fire this sitter, and I might recommend this sitter to a more laid-back friend. I certainly wouldn't sit down and "fire" the sitter and tell her why I didn't want her back. But I wouldn't give her another chance either.


----------



## Mackenzie (Sep 26, 2004)

Obviously don't leave your child with someone you don't feel comfortable with however unless you were so specific before, don't expect that another person will understand what you mean. Esp with the food thing. I know many many (intelligent) people who would not translate "There is food in the fridge for DD" into "Don't feed her doritos". People want the kids they care for to be happy and if the kid expressed a desire for something that the care provider could give, they will be inclined to want to provide that without realizing that you don't want her eating it. People really don't get that unless it is specifically addressed.


----------



## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

I don't think it's very helpful to tell gbailey that her standards are too strict or that she should let it go. Just because one family might be okay with Spongebob and Doritos doesn't mean she has to be. We've all met families who let their kids do things we wouldn't let ours do and I don't think most of us would like it of those other parents told us we should just let it go, or that we were too strict.

And I, too, would be mightily peeved if a sitter gave my child a forbidden food and parked him in front of a TV for hours expressly against my instructions. In fact I would be considering firing her also, because if I can't trust someone to follow basic directions, then I would have serious concerns about their judgment and trustworthiness in all other areas. It's not hard NOT to give a kid a food she's not allowed to have. It's not hard NOT to let a child watch TV...unless you just don't care about your employer's wishes. Hopefully that's not the case here.

I hope you find a way to resolve this, OP. I know how hard it can be to find a non-family caregiver who's right for your family. We have one who is an absolute blessing but I would be really upset if she did anything similar.


----------



## mum4vr (Jan 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
... I don't think that's really the point. The sitter knew what was okay with the parents, let them believe (except with the Doritos) that she was following their wishes, but didn't. That's not okay. And, I was a teenage babysitter (rarely). I would have thought the parents were nuts if they had such rigid rules...but I would have either followed them, or not taken the job. I don't think being a teenager is a good excuse for ignoring the parent's requests.

OP: I think I'd probably talk to her, make it clear what your expectations are, and tell her that if she does something unacceptable again, you won't be bringing her back. You could just fire her straight up - but it is a PITA to find a new sitter, and you say your dd likes her, so I'd probably give the one warning.











Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I would probably say something like, "Hey, it looks I dropped the ball and wasn't clear enough about our expectations for food and TV. DD is only to eat the stuff we prepare for her, and she is only to watch Little Bear and Clifford (or whatever 2 shows). Sorry for the miscommunication! She really loves hanging out with you, and we love knowing that she's having fun, but all of us caregivers need to be on the same page. Let me know anytime you have questions, okay?"

yeah, maybe

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
This would be a deal-breaker for me, but then again, my 8yo has never had Doritos or seen Spongebob and those *are* hills I would die on.

However, unless you gave explicit instructions that she deliberately ignored, I'd at least give her one more chance. I wouldn't say trust has been completely broken unless she is defying you.









, this completely!

If these issues are important to you and you were clear, and you feel you need to let her go, don't feel guilty. DD is YOUR DC, and she only has ONE childhood, and YOU are the parents.

Telling her why or not is up to you-- I personally would tell her you won't be asking her back, and if she asks why, I would explain in a gentle way why you made that decision.

blessings


----------



## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
This is great advice. Thank you! Would you suggest a special phone call to say this or wait until the next time we ask her over if we ask her to sit again? Although it's not likely. My usually very laid back DH is ticked off. He says we pay her well per hour and if he wanted DD stuck in front of the tv while we're out we'd leave her with one of our anything goes relatives who'd be willing to watch her for free and feed her all of the crap in their pantry.

This. I've felt the same way, and we've stopped using a couple of sitters for the same reason. We pay more than the going rate per hour in our area, and part of that is because I know we're one of few families with rules about TV. (And texting. I've started specifically saying that I don't want teens texting their friends while our kids are up after a couple of incidents of sitters not paying attention because they were too busy on their phones.) The bottom line is that when I'm paying a sitter, I expect that they're not just plopping the kids in front of the TV. I don't need to pay a sitter for that level of care. We could just make a nice dinner after bedtime and save money. So, I don't find your rules rigid, and I don't think it's too much to ask for someone to follow them. (I'm saying that especially because you prepared the food. It's not like you asked her to cook it.)


----------



## Neuromancer (Jan 15, 2008)

When I babysit for my friends' 2-year-old, I watch TV after she's gone to bed. I could easily skim through several episodes of a show in an hour, especially fast-forwarding through the commercials or boring parts. I don't know whether your sitter was there after your child's bedtime, or for how long, but it's possible she didn't watch some (or even all?) of those episodes while your child was awake.

There's no way for you to know her side of the story without having a conversation about it,so I think I would have her sit one more time but invite her over early enough that you can talk frankly about your concerns and what happened. I'd have had no problems conforming to your rules as a college-aged babysitter, but I hope you won't consider trust completely broken until you've talked with her. She came clean about the Doritos so quickly that I hope she'll tell you the whole truth.

I'm not saying she's innocent or in the right. Just that I'd be careful not to assume anything.


----------



## lilmom (Nov 9, 2008)

For me, Spongebob would be a dealbreaker. Especially given that the babysitter knew the rules and the two shows that were available. 6 episodes? No way.
Also, the doritos, while not malicious, would also really, really bother me. I am very strict about food for my DS, and also what he watches on tv. I do not pay a sitter to watch tv with him anyway. I pay a sitter to do things that I would do with him - read, color, play outside, etc.

I would not give her another chance, even if my child really liked her. I would move on to someone who could be very clear about my rules and who I absolutely trust. This is why my son has only had one babysitter besides family LOL..but honestly, this is just how strongly we feel about our parenting decisions and how much we want DS to have a certain kind of childhood.


----------



## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

back when I was young and babysitting, I would not have thought twice about letting the kid have one of my Doritos, even if the food/snacks were prepared. UNLESS I was told that the child had food allergies.

of course i also did not typically bring my own snacks.

back when I babysat for people on "occasional" things like this, the expectations typically were that it would be a fun night of movies if the kids wanted that, treats, and play. Usually a pizza or something too.

If *I* were to do this, an *occasional* night like you said...I personally don't have any real taboos other than age-appropriateness on the TV. For my kids, I consider that Nickelodeon/Nick Jr cartoons (yeah even Sbob even though I hate him pretty much, I consider it harmless stupid kid fun humor) which are their favorite anyway lately and PBS kids and G rated movies. My kids won't even watch anything hardly that's not either a Nick Jr cartoon or Toy Story, so I wouldn't worry about it. Me, personally.

and I'd be fairly lax on the snacks for one night. UNLESS somebody had a major food allergy. Of course, common sense must also prevail...letting my kids eat an entire bag of Doritos each and calling it dinner simply would not be cool.

And yeah some ppl have the TV on as background. And in my experience, kids will get *bored* with too much TV....the fact that your kid likes this sitter as much as she does probably means the sitter *is* playing with her.

for ME for the occasional few hours, a time or two a month sort of deal, a couple Doritos and the TV would not be dealbreakers. If this were a daily sitter, or even a couple times a week or so, I'd have stricter rules.

Or, if for you S-bob is totally not something you want, I'd be more specific that she can only watch certain shows....ONLY those shows and not any others. Since you can see it on your TV you'll know if you've got a trust or a communication issue.


----------



## ehunter27 (Apr 12, 2007)

I understand your concern about the babysitter not following your instructions. However, I do think you may be assuming she understood those instructions. I think you do need to make yourself more clear.

The fact that your daughter likes her, she seems honest with you (If she knew DD was not to have doritos I assume she would not have told you), and she is safe make me think that you have a good babysitter here.

Just be clear. Explain you don't want her eating junk food or watching anything except the two cartoons. Possibly, explain your reasoning for these rules, as many teenagers are not thinking along the lines of a parent. (I worked in a school for years--and before having children--I thought nothing of junk food and kids/too much t.v./etc.)

Good luck. I'm glad this post had nothing to do with any of the TRULY horrible images that came to my head when someone says they can't trust a babysitter. I think you and your family are lucky to have a babysitter who is physically safe w/ your child, and emotionally safe.


----------



## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Unless my child had food allergies, I would try to let the Doritos issue go. If I were eating a snack and a child asked for a sample, I would feel really bad about saying no. In the future I would ask the sitter to save those for not in front of the child.

The TV... I would be ticked. 6 episodes is a lot of tv. How long were you gone? I guess if you were gone 6-8 hours, that is one thing, but if it is just a couple hours you are basically paying for your child to watch tv.

I just wouldn't be impressed with that kind of sitting, myself.







I would also be concerned that DD likes the sitter exactly because they are not following your house rules.


----------



## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

As someone who babysat from the age of 13, I don't think it's too much to expect that a teen (or older) babysitter follow some basic rules. If they don't like the rules, or feel they're too much hassle to follow, they're free not to take the job. I sat for a family once who gave me instructions on how to let their DC CIO for bed-time. I didn't like it, but followed their instructions that one time, but then was 'unavailable' to babysit for them any more. Some families were happy for me to watch TV or a film with the kids, others wanted me to basically be parent-replacements, helping the kids with their homework, enforcing rules etc. I always followed the parents' wishes - it really wasn't that hard, especially when they were upfront about what they wanted from me.

OP - I think that if you feel there was room for miscommunication - maybe your sitter really didn't understand that you meant *only* those 2 shows - then you could sit down with her again and really spell out your expectations, making it clear that if she can't follow them you'll be looking for someone else. And I certainly wouldn't be above pointing out how well you treat her and that you expect certain standards in return for that. If, OTOH, you think that she knows perfectly well how you want things done and just chose to disregard them - well I just wouldn't have her back. These may or may not be *serious* issues, but even if they're not, who knows what other more serious issues she may choose to disregard in the future?

And FWIW, I wouldn't have a problem with a few Doritos or silly cartoons every once in a while, but that's not the issue here.


----------



## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

I also agree that the dorito part was more likely a miscommunication.

You said "her food is all together...here...etc."

but the babysitter probably heard/thought, "oh cool, her dinner is together that was nice of the parents to organize it for me" as in, you were doing her a favor by having it together, not "don't give her anything else at all"

When I was younger, I also gave kids I babysit food that I brought/was eating because otherwise I thought it was mean/rude to eat it in front of them. I don't think I ever had doritos (usually like cashews or something) but anyway, I don't think the babysitter was purposely going against your wishes by feeding the kid chips kwim? IF she was, she likely would not have even told you.

I think just going over your expectations again, and maybe leaving a list of "approved" shows.


----------



## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Neuromancer* 

There's no way for you to know her side of the story

I think this is the whole point. Limabean laid out the whole script. MAKE SURE you know what you are accusing her of before you ASSUME she should be fired. I am stunned that some of you would fire a close, year-long employed babysitter without and questions, re-statment of the rules, or explanation.

When dd2 was just starting solids, my parents let her suck on a popsicle for a few licks. I was not happy, she had just started solids. I told them I didn't want her to have it and that was the end of it. By some poster's standards, I should have forbid them from babysitting forever....


----------



## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

FYI....Spongebob episodes on demand are usually 13 minutes. So 6 episodes isn't an all night kind of thing.

Not that we watch Spongebob or anything...


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Thanks to everyone for the great comments. I do want to make one thing clear though....there was no way the sitter did not understand what I said about the dinner and the snacks. I don't think I could have communicated that to her better. I didn't just tell her, there's dinner the in the fridge to warm up and she had to look in the refrigerator to figure out what she should be giving dd (i.e. "there's a green bowl with pasta and veggies. it only needs 30 seconds in the microwave. i left plenty of snacks on the kitchen counter.) The only other thing on the kitchen counter was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil. She didn't have to ruffle through the cabinets to find something suitable. Who gives a kid Doritos when they ask for milk? Perhaps she forgot about the extra sippy cup of milk. That's fine and understandable. She also knows there is a special area in our cabinet where we keep DD's snacks. She's been with us for nearly a year...nothing has changed about my routine. Also want to note the sitter and I have engaged in conversation about child rearing, feeding, spending quality time with your children, etc. I know her well enough to know she loves Forever 21 and doesn't watch television but loves going to the movies.

Truthfully, I don't think she was being malicious but I'm still very bothered. I just have a nagging feeling about it.

DH is ticked off about the tv but thinks the best way to proceed is to revisit in a few days when our annoyance has died down a bit.

To the poster who asked, we were gone from 4pm to 8:30pm.


----------



## AirMiami (Feb 3, 2009)

As someone who has been a babysitter on and off for most of my teen years and young adult life, I would be just as annoyed as you OP. I have never ignored a parent's specific instructions regarding their children, and I can't believe someone would even begin to think that's ok.


----------



## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

I babysat for years, and I was the only babysitter on my block (besides my brother I was the only person of the right age, and he didn't like babysitting), so I was in high demand. I made a LOT of money babysitting.

And really, whats an episode or 6 of spongebob? I don't really get the anti-spongebob attitude - its just a cartoon. I get that its not a good one, but so what?

And I don't really get what harm a few doritos is going to do? I know its junk food, and I know its not healthy, I know its crappy food - but a few doritos in a lifetime isn't going to hurt anyone. (unless theres a severe food allergy like a pp said)

I saw that you provide the sitter withe snacks that are not approved for the your kiddo - why exactly? It's not nice to eat in front of someone, especially when you're eating a "forbidden" food. I would leave enough healthy snacks (that are also tasty) for both your kiddo and your sitter - and then have a few "forbidden" foods like ice cream for after kiddo goes to bed.

If your dd loves the sitter, I'd guess she loves her part b/c she gets a few "forbidden" things while she's there. Thats one of the best things about being a babysitter - you get to let the kids do some things that they wouldn't otherwise do (eat an extra scoop of ice cream, watch a few extra cartoons, etc). And thats one of the reasons kids love babysitters. The stiff babysitters who only follow all the rules and don't allow anything that parents don't, aren't very well liked. JMO of course.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I babysat for years, and I was the only babysitter on my block (besides my brother I was the only person of the right age, and he didn't like babysitting), so I was in high demand. I made a LOT of money babysitting.

*And really, whats an episode or 6 of spongebob? I don't really get the anti-spongebob attitude - its just a cartoon. I get that its not a good one, but so what?*And I don't really get what harm a few doritos is going to do? I know its junk food, and I know its not healthy, I know its crappy food - but a few doritos in a lifetime isn't going to hurt anyone. (unless theres a severe food allergy like a pp said)

I saw that you provide the sitter withe snacks that are not approved for the your kiddo - why exactly? It's not nice to eat in front of someone, especially when you're eating a "forbidden" food. I would leave enough healthy snacks (that are also tasty) for both your kiddo and your sitter - and then have a few "forbidden" foods like ice cream for after kiddo goes to bed.

If your dd loves the sitter, I'd guess she loves her part b/c she gets a few "forbidden" things while she's there. Thats one of the best things about being a babysitter - you get to let the kids do some things that they wouldn't otherwise do (eat an extra scoop of ice cream, watch a few extra cartoons, etc). And thats one of the reasons kids love babysitters. The stiff babysitters who only follow all the rules and don't allow anything that parents don't, aren't very well liked. JMO of course.

You can feel free to allow *your* children to watch all of the spongebob episodes you choose to let them watch. Your child, your choice. Our child, our choice. We happen to not want our near 2.5 yr old in front of the tv like that.

We choose to not let our daughter eat Doritos. Smoking pot when she's 14 may not harm her either but we won't allow that either! My DD doesn't know what's a forbidden food. She knows what's been given to her and Doritos just isn't one of them. I don't think my child is secretly craving and hoping the sitter bring her a Dorito.


----------



## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
there was no way the sitter did not understand what I said about the dinner and the snacks. I don't think I could have communicated that to her better. I didn't just tell her, there's dinner the in the fridge to warm up and she had to look in the refrigerator to figure out what she should be giving dd (i.e. "there's a green bowl with pasta and veggies. it only needs 30 seconds in the microwave. *i left plenty of snacks on the kitchen counter*.) The only other thing on the kitchen counter was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil. She didn't have to ruffle through the cabinets to find something suitable. Who gives a kid Doritos when they ask for milk? Perhaps she forgot about the extra sippy cup of milk. That's fine and understandable. She also knows there is a special area in our cabinet where we keep DD's snacks. She's been with us for nearly a year...nothing has changed about my routine.

While you may feel that you communicated your wishes to her clearly I can see how she would not have thought that a dorito was okay - you told her that there were plenty of snacks on the counter but did you also say "she is only to eat the snacks on the counter"? If you really want such strict control over what she is fed (and that is certainly your right as her mom) then you need to be more specific in your instructions so that there is no room for miscommunication.


----------



## Mackenzie (Sep 26, 2004)

Okay, since its being said that she "ignored explicit instructions" I wonder if you could please clarify if that is the case because that is really the crux of the issue. Did you explicitly tell her not to feed her anything other than what you provided and to allow her to watch ONLY those shows?


----------



## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
Thanks to everyone for the great comments. I do want to make one thing clear though....there was no way the sitter did not understand what I said about the dinner and the snacks. I don't think I could have communicated that to her better. I didn't just tell her, there's dinner the in the fridge to warm up and she had to look in the refrigerator to figure out what she should be giving dd (i.e. "there's a green bowl with pasta and veggies. it only needs 30 seconds in the microwave. i left plenty of snacks on the kitchen counter.) The only other thing on the kitchen counter was a bottle of extra virgin olive oil. She didn't have to ruffle through the cabinets to find something suitable. Who gives a kid Doritos when they ask for milk? Perhaps she forgot about the extra sippy cup of milk. That's fine and understandable. She also knows there is a special area in our cabinet where we keep DD's snacks. She's been with us for nearly a year...nothing has changed about my routine. Also want to note the sitter and I have engaged in conversation about child rearing, feeding, spending quality time with your children, etc. I know her well enough to know she loves Forever 21 and doesn't watch television but loves going to the movies.

Truthfully, I don't think she was being malicious but I'm still very bothered. I just have a nagging feeling about it.

DH is ticked off about the tv but thinks the best way to proceed is to revisit in a few days when our annoyance has died down a bit.

To the poster who asked, we were gone from 4pm to 8:30pm.

Unless you've communicated with her before _specifically_ about NOT ever giving snacks that aren't provided, I don't think from what you've described it was clearly communicated. Like it or not, most parents are not as controlling about the odd chip and there really is a big difference between "here are some snacks" and "don't feed other snacks." When you're going that counter-cultural you really do have to take on the responsibility of total clarity.

When I was a teenager I babysat for a kid who had a peanut allergy, which was much less common at that time (mid 80s). I remember nearly giving him M&Ms (which contain peanut oil, but I had no idea -- I mean no visible peanuts) and only being stopped because he said his mother never gave him that kind. After that I did ask his mother for more training about the allergy.

But as a teen (and even as a young adult), who wasn't at all submerged in the Wild Crazy World of Parenting but rather in all the details of the latest Pet Shop Boys release, a lot of issues weren't on my radar to the same extent as an adult. I knew enough to look out for actual nuts, but not the fine details. One chip strikes me as in the same category. Talking about healthy eating is great but it doesn't cover the "just one Dorito" situation all that well.

Talking in general won't cut it. You have to be really, really clear.

That said, it really is up to you of course. I just think it might help all of you to make another attempt to see if it's really just an understanding issue, before you give up on a relationship you've cultivated and where your child is safe. We don't really have a for-hire babysitter right now available and they really are like gold in some ways.


----------



## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
You can feel free to allow *your* children to watch all of the spongebob episodes you choose to let them watch. Your child, your choice. Our child, our choice. We happen to not want our near 2.5 yr old in front of the tv like that.

We choose to not let our daughter eat Doritos. Smoking pot when she's 14 may not harm her either but we won't allow that either! My DD doesn't know what's a forbidden food. She knows what's been given to her and Doritos just isn't one of them. I don't think my child is secretly craving and hoping the sitter bring her a Dorito.









Thats not quite what I meant. I meant, that when I'm eating (and it really doesn't matter WHAT I'm eating) my ds ALWAYS wants what I have - I can't really imagine him just ignoring me eating. And when I'm eating doritos (or anything really), and I offer him something else - he knows. And he won't eat what I'm offering, b/c he wants what I'm eating.

So, if your sitter is eating doritos, its highly likely that your dd wants some too - not b/c they're doritos - b/c your sitter is eating them.

And I still really don't understand the big deal about spongebob. Whats the difference between spongebob and whatever other cartoon you said she COULD watch? Its still tv, and she's only 2.5 - she doesn't even get it! My ds won't even sit still in front of the tv, if its on, its in the background and he's definitely NOT paying attention for the whole 6 episodes.


----------



## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

You are more strict than me, but I don't think your concern is ridiculous at all. I find it amusing that people think you just need to let it go and allow people who watch your children do what THEY'D like to do on a parenting board filled with people who range from a bit un mainstream to VERY un mainstream. People who sometimes have to fight for what they believe in or tune out people who disagree and are bothered with it. Some of us are going to expect our children to be given breastmilk and not formula, some of us are going to expect our little boys penises not to be touched, some of us are going to expect vaccines to not enter our children's bodies, some of us expect our children to eat ONLY what we approve even when we aren't there, some of us expect our children to play rather than watch tv even if its just in the background. Some of us expect our children not to be hit or shamed.

It all comes down to the same thing. How we want our children raised should be respected even when we aren't there. It isn't hard to respect any of these things. Mistakes happen, but telling a mom that its a complete non issue and she is too strict anyway and it just doesn't matter is ridiculous. doritos and spongebob, or circumsicion and vaccines. As far as I am concerned, if the parents are against it then they have the right to make a big deal out of it than someone who isn't against it.

You shouldn't have to worry about what is happening with your child while you are away. Sure, it was doritos and spongebob this time... but maybe it'll be a bunch of candy and something even less 2.5 year old friendly on tv. You just shouldn't have to WORRY about that.

I think more than likely, it was hard to not share something she was eating in front of the kiddo and perhaps she was just tired that day and didn't want to engage in play. Does it make it okay? Of course not, but becaus of your history with this babysitter, I can't imagine she was deliberately going against you just because she didn't agree with your parenting approach or because she just plum doesn't CARE. I know when I was a teenager babysitting, it was hard some days to really get into playing with the kids because of being tired (staying up too late, friends, homework, other jobs... ) and because little kids can be hard to play with haha.

Regardless, it is definitely a good idea to talk to her about your expectations again... maybe even problem solve if those WERE the issues. She sounds like an otherwise great babysitter and I can't imagine she would actually want to make you angry or disappointed. I vote you give her another chance after touching base again on the rules and expectations.


----------



## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Have you actually talked to the babysitter yet about the tv thing? It really might not be as you think....in your head you are probably thinking your dd sat there for four hours straight watching Spongebob, but something else may have occurred. As a PP said, i'm pretty surprised you've jumped right to possibly firing a girl you've employed for a year, without even picking up the phone and saying "Hey Jenny, i noticed there were several episodes of Spongebob on the On Demand that had been played, im just curious because dd have never watched that before...." and see what she says.

I do agree with many other posters in that if you did not specifically say "i do not allow any programs except X and Y" then she may not have picked up on that. Are you sure all of those episodes were watched on that day and some are not from before?


----------



## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treeoflife3* 

*doritos and spongebob, or circumsicion and vaccines.*


I just want to point out that these are NOT valid comparisons. The rest of your post, well, I see your point. BUT - a babysitter is NOT going to be getting a child vaccinated, or circumcised EVER. It would be completely reasonable to explain to a babysitter not to retract, but I would NEVER worry about a babysitter circ'ing my son, or taking him to get vaccinated (we vax, but I take him to do it, not a sitter!).


----------



## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
Thats not quite what I meant. I meant, that when I'm eating (and it really doesn't matter WHAT I'm eating) my ds ALWAYS wants what I have - I can't really imagine him just ignoring me eating. And when I'm eating doritos (or anything really), and I offer him something else - he knows. And he won't eat what I'm offering, b/c he wants what I'm eating.

So, if your sitter is eating doritos, its highly likely that your dd wants some too - not b/c they're doritos - b/c your sitter is eating them.

And I still really don't understand the big deal about spongebob. Whats the difference between spongebob and whatever other cartoon you said she COULD watch? Its still tv, and she's only 2.5 - she doesn't even get it! My ds won't even sit still in front of the tv, if its on, its in the background and he's definitely NOT paying attention for the whole 6 episodes.

She said that her daughter asked for MILK and the babysitter gave a dorito. Not the same thing as her daughter wanted what the babysitter was eating.

I read the two show thing as two EPISODES. As in, she can watch this episode of caillou and this episode of clifford... but no more tv than that because she has plenty of toys to play with and other things to engage herself with.

Maybe I'm not reading the same thing everyone else is. The babysitter SHOULD know the expectations. She has been around for a year and they've had lots of conversations and the routine hasn't changed at all. going from 'we don't want her watching much tv' to playing 6 episodes of a show is quite a change. Knowing her child gets only certain foods and she should be old enough by now to understand that she shouldn't be giving her other things, especially when she has been TOLD to call and ASK first if she is unsure. Being told to call and ask first before giving anything she wasn't explicitly told she can give is pretty obvious to a college girl that that means don't give the kid anything the parent hasn't approved.

I can't imagine she can get that confused unless your expectations of people are extremely low and you just assume everyone is an idiot.


----------



## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Well these aren't things that would bother me, but I'd probably talk to her to start with. Let her know that this isn't ok and that you need to know that your instructions are being followed while you aren't there. If she can't or won't, then find someone else.


----------



## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
I just want to point out that these are NOT valid comparisons. The rest of your post, well, I see your point. BUT - a babysitter is NOT going to be getting a child vaccinated, or circumcised EVER. It would be completely reasonable to explain to a babysitter not to retract, but I would NEVER worry about a babysitter circ'ing my son, or taking him to get vaccinated (we vax, but I take him to do it, not a sitter!).

My point is that I shouldn't have to worry about my husband circing or vaxing when we've had plenty of discussions on the issue and he KNOWS why we came to what I thought was an agreement before going behind my back to have it done anymore than I should have to worry about a babysitter allowing foods and shows that we've had discussions about and she KNOWS I'm against and has absolutely no power to go behind my back in the first place as they aren't a parent at all to my child.

Is one more extreme than the other? Of course, but any parenting decision I make about my child should be respected and followed, not just ignored behind my back. Of course a sitter won't be taking my child to circ or vax, but they shouldn't be going against the rules I HAVE laid out for them anymore than anyone else should.


----------



## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
....I saw that you provide the sitter withe snacks that are not approved for the your kiddo - why exactly? It's not nice to eat in front of someone, especially when you're eating a "forbidden" food. I would leave enough healthy snacks (that are also tasty) for both your kiddo and your sitter - and then have a few "forbidden" foods like ice cream for after kiddo goes to bed.....

This is a pretty good point for going forward (either with this sitter or with a new one) it is really hard for a kid to watch someone eat something and be denied it. I would not eat a "forbidden" food in front of DS and expect him to be ok with not having something that looked pretty yummy. I would think it would be even harder for a babysitter.

I had a similar issue come up. My babysitter brought over what I consider to be junk food granola bars. Total crap. She gave him one because she was eating one and he wanted to try it. Eh, I never would have approved that but I also never told her no to that specific food so I can't really hold her responsible for reading my mind, ya know? We kind of do the same thing with snacks - he has a "snack cabinet" with easy to get to snack foods for him. More for his convenience than anything. Babysitter knew about it but I never said "he can ONLY eat from this cabinet, nothing else" so really, how was she to know?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
...We choose to not let our daughter eat Doritos. Smoking pot when she's 14 may not harm her either but we won't allow that either!...

If you keep her away from the pot, she might have a better chance of avoiding a massive dorito craving.


----------



## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Oh and i forgot to add....i know you and esp your dh are really annoyed, possibly even upset about this....but i think you should also consider the damage to your dd if she loses this relationship (it sounds like she really likes the girl, and 1 year in the life of a 2.5 yr old is a pretty long time!)....its not that great for kids to lose people and then have to build attachments with new people like that, and if you can avoid it, all the better. There's a bit of "the devil you know vs the devil you dont"...trust is important, for sure, and you should feel like the babysitter isnt undermining your values or rules....but you also dont know the next stranger you bring into your home won't be worse, even if they seem great to begin with. I guess what i'm trying to say is....doritos and tv is something that you can probably work through and retrain, the MOST important thing (IMO) is how she treats your child, how your child feels about her, is she safe, that sort of thing. You say you cant "trust" her....but so far i havent seen that she has outright lied to you, or been sneaky...if she was trying to be sneaky she would have made sure to ffwd through the program so it would start from the beginning and not look like she watched all of them yknow?


----------



## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treeoflife3* 
She said that her daughter asked for MILK and the babysitter gave a dorito. Not the same thing as her daughter wanted what the babysitter was eating.

I can't imagine she can get that confused unless your expectations of people are extremely low and you just assume everyone is an idiot.

But whose perspective is that from? Did her 2.5yo dd tell her that? B/c I can't imagine a 2.5yo would be super accurate about a progression of events. It's possible that she gave her milk, and then shared her doritos too. We don't know that. Did the SITTER tell her that her dd asked for milk, and then she gave her doritos instead? Cause that would be different.

And no, I don't assume people are idiots, but I also don't expect everyone to interact with my ds in exactly the same way that I do. I just don't. If I hired a teenage babysitter, I would tell them, "No ice cream for dinner, there's music in the laptop to play, have fun! Make sure to brush teeth before bed, hopefully he'll go to bed before 10pm when I come home. Thanks! Bye."

I'm pretty lenient about most parenting things though - I'm a single mama putting myself through law school with VERY little financial assistance from my ds's father - I don't have the RESOURCES at my disposal to be picky about everything. I just don't. So maybe thats why I don't worry about everything. I think my BIG dealbreakers with a sitter would be big safety concerns. Everything else? Meh, not going to hurt anyone.


----------



## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treeoflife3* 
My point is that I shouldn't have to worry about my husband circing or vaxing when we've had plenty of discussions on the issue and he KNOWS why we came to what I thought was an agreement before going behind my back to have it done anymore than I should have to worry about a babysitter allowing foods and shows that we've had discussions about and she KNOWS I'm against and has absolutely no power to go behind my back in the first place as they aren't a parent at all to my child.

Is one more extreme than the other? Of course, but any parenting decision I make about my child should be respected and followed, not just ignored behind my back. Of course a sitter won't be taking my child to circ or vax, but they shouldn't be going against the rules I HAVE laid out for them anymore than anyone else should.

Trusting your HUSBAND and a sitter are 2 completely different things. If you and your HUSBAND don't agree on parenting principles, then you need to work that out. Babysitters can be fired, husbands can't.

I still think they are bad comparisons.


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peainthepod* 
I don't think it's very helpful to tell gbailey that her standards are too strict or that she should let it go. Just because one family might be okay with Spongebob and Doritos doesn't mean she has to be.











I never understand why people get so stuck on the specific issues that posters bring up. Is it really that hard to mentally swap out those two issues with stuff you *would* have a problem with, and answer from that perspective, since the OP *does* have a problem with those things?

We all have different standards, and I tend to be very lax when leaving the kids with family members because I care more about their bonding time than adhering to our rules. But with a paid, non-family sitter, they need to abide by our rules if they wish to continue getting hired by us. And it doesn't matter one bit whether they agree with the rules or not -- they're free to quit if they're unwilling or unable to comply with us. Just like when I take a job I either agree to the terms or don't take the job.

To the person who said that 2.5-year-olds don't understand what's on TV, that's not true for all kids. I have a 2.5-year-old who very much understands and is affected by what she sees on TV, and we have to be really careful with her TV viewing. And if a babysitter put on something that was too intense for her I'd be annoyed if a bunch of people said, "Oh, get over it. That show isn't that bad, just let her watch it."









All of that said, I do agree with the people who have said that at this point this should be treated as a miscommunication issue, giving the sitter the benefit of the doubt and another chance to show that she's willing to adhere to the OP's rules.


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
But whose perspective is that from? Did her 2.5yo dd tell her that? B/c I can't imagine a 2.5yo would be super accurate about a progression of events. It's possible that she gave her milk, and then shared her doritos too. We don't know that. Did the SITTER tell her that her dd asked for milk, and then she gave her doritos instead? Cause that would be different.

From the OP:

Quote:

When DH and I got back the sitter casually mentions that she gave DD some Doritos to quiet her because she was asking for milk.


----------



## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

I would be pissed if our sitter did that. Maybe one of those I could let go, but not both. I babysat from age 12-23 and it's not that hard to keep the kids entertained for 4.5 hours if you know you can leave at the end and you're being paid. The only time i let the kids watch TV was if it was ok-ed in advance by the parents and most parents were crystal clear on what their kids could and couldn't watch. In fact most would leave a movie out for the kids and let me know that this was what they were watching and this only.

I would probably give this sitter one more chance since you DC likes them so much, but it would be one more chance and one chance only. If I'm paying you and you can't follow my instructions I'm not going to trust you with my child.


----------



## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

I was a teen sitter and I NEVER gave food that was not allowed to a child and I did not allow TV that the parents had not approved.

Spongebob is STRICTLY forbidden in our home and always will be.


----------



## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EarthMamaToBe* 
I was a teen sitter and I NEVER gave food that was not allowed to a child and I did not allow TV that the parents had not approved.

*Spongebob is STRICTLY forbidden in our home and always will be.*

Why though? I just don't get it. Maybe I'm not crunchy enough?


----------



## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
Why though? I just don't get it. Maybe I'm not crunchy enough?

I'm with you. I will say that when my oldest was a baby those shows seemed "terrible" compared to Barney. I don't care if you like Spongebob or not but I find his innocence and loving nature to be refreshing.


----------



## ImaSophie (Sep 5, 2010)

I would talk with my sitter but i would not fire her over this. Not if she has always been reliable, & my child has a good relationship with her.

We don't watch Sponge Bob in our home and my kids do not eat Doritos but, my parents sometimes let the boys eat/watch things we would not. The way I see it is it is not an everyday occurrence and it is not worth the energy to get super annoyed/pissed over.

The next time the sitter is babysitting I would kindly & calmly just say these are her snacks, here is her milk, and here is her dinner please do not feed her anything else beyond what I have provided. Then I would say her is the DVD she can watch please no other television beyond this DVD. I would just add it into the spiel I give whenever the sitter is there for the evening.


----------



## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

i know I"m a hard a$$ about this, but you are the mom, you are paying her-- the sitter should be doing what you want. I would expect a responsible teen to follow simple instructions. Fire her, hire someone else. I'm also upfront in my interviews that we are strict about food, we are vegetarians, we don't allow the tv to be on during the day.

If the sitter feels she can't deal with it, she shouldn't take the job.

My son is a bit younger than your's but I would be livid, and I would not have that sitter back at *all*.


----------



## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Artichokie* 
I would poop a brick if my dd was given doritos or permitted to watch spongebob. Those things are so far from acceptable that they aren't even in the same universe. Having a sitter permit those items would be a huge breach of trust and she would be fired.

I agree.

I can't even express how this would make me feel. It's more than just Spongebob & Doritos being taboo in our household. You made it clear to her that she could always call you with questions about what your DD could eat/watch/etc. so there was no need for this. It's not like you forgot to lay out her snacks/dinner and she panicked and gave her the first thing she could find... Also, I've never hired a babysitter (though I used to babysit a lot myself), but I would expect someone I hired to be playing with my kid when they are there, not plopping her in front of a TV -- I don't even understand that. I can't imagine ever being able to trust this sitter again, even if she agrees to follow your rules better, because it just sounds like her views are so far different from yours that you'll just run into more & more issues down the line.


----------



## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

I trully honestly am curious. PLEASE PLEASE, note my completly humble form in asking this question:

What is so bad about spongebob that hes almost considered evil? I will admit I avoid him because i feel if my kids are going to WATCH TV, there is going to be some sort of educational value involved. Counting, animals, ABCs. something. But I havent been 100% successful in that avoidance either. hes squeaked in here and there.

OK, derailed question over. Thank you.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Barbie64g* 
I trully honestly am curious. PLEASE PLEASE, note my completly humble form in asking this question:

What is so bad about spongebob that hes almost considered evil? I will admit I avoid him because i feel if my kids are going to WATCH TV, there is going to be some sort of educational value involved. Counting, animals, ABCs. something. But I havent been 100% successful in that avoidance either. hes squeaked in here and there.

OK, derailed question over. Thank you.









LOL. I don't consider it evil but it's a show neither of us have ever previewed and we prefer the shows she watch have some sort of educational value involved and that we see them first to find out what it's about. We do the same thing with the DVDs we own (watch on netflix first to see if it's something we want to pay for). I was also under the impression Sponge is a show for older kids. My cousin who's about 11 loves it so I don't associate it with being okay for a toddler. Your question made me laugh. Thanks for lightening the mood.


----------



## sleepingbeauty (Sep 1, 2007)

I was curious about the anti-spongebob mindset many people have. I mean, I know that there are some weird things on this show but it's not horrible... My 3 year old goddaughter is SB (and Cinderella's) biggest fan. @[email protected]

Edited to add: I would prefer that she were more of a Little Bear fan though. I get the educational part of it but it seems like some people are truly opposed to all that is Spongbob. *shrugs*

About the babysitter--You're the employer. You make the rules. Lay them out as clearly and obviously as you can next time, if you do choose to have a Next Time.


----------



## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

Just another perspective - maybe this isn't so much of a trust issue as a difference of values (food and TV). It really doesn't sound to me like she was doing any of this in a sneaky or malicious way (which to me would indicate a breach of trust) - she told you about the chip and it was obvious what was on the TV. She is still really young and, I would assume, hasn't given these things the same consideration as you have. I would guess that she probably just doesn't think the chips and SpongeBob are all that bad.

Also, if she has been a good sitter for a year, maybe she was just having an off night. Maybe she broke up with a boyfriend, found out her financial aid wasn't coming through, had a fight with a roommate or something else..... (all things that happened to me in college and were a lot at the time to deal with). Maybe she really is a great babysitter, but was just drowning her sorrows in food and, since your kid was around, she got to partake. Maybe she just wasn't in a place to be as available to your DD and so let her zone out a bit on TV. I have done those things as a mom (and a former babysitter).

I would probably just talk to her and mention that you really appreciate how she has taken care of your DD, but that you are uncomfortable with that kind of TV show/that much TV and your DD eating any food other than what you have left out. My guess would be that the sitter has no idea you are bothered by any of this.

And, this is just me, but if my kid really liked the baby sitter, was happy while I was gone and I trusted her to keep the child safe in a larger sense (not leaving her alone in the bathtub or something big like that), I wouldn't worry too much about a few chips and some junk TV. I wouldn't like it all that much, but it seems like a small price to pay for an otherwise good sitter.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TiredX2* 
The TV... I would be ticked. 6 episodes is a lot of tv. How long were you gone? I guess if you were gone 6-8 hours, that is one thing, but if it is just a couple hours you are basically paying for your child to watch tv.

As someone else mentioned, the OP doesn't really know for sure that her child was watching it. She mentioned later in the thread that the babysitter is about to finish college. I've known a _lot_ of people in that age range who love Spongebob. Maybe the sitter was watching it herself?


----------



## Mackenzie (Sep 26, 2004)

I am still wondering how explicit of instructions were left...


----------



## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
As someone else mentioned, the OP doesn't really know for sure that her child was watching it. She mentioned later in the thread that the babysitter is about to finish college. I've known a _lot_ of people in that age range who love Spongebob. *Maybe the sitter was watching it herself?*

Is the babysitter a teenager? (I dont remember seeing her age anywhere)

If so, I would totally go with this.


----------



## Evergreen (Nov 6, 2002)

I'm still all







about why if the little one wanted milk she'd give her Doritos??? I mean, it's not a drink and they do make you even thirstier. Just weird to me.


----------



## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mackenzie* 
Okay, since its being said that she "ignored explicit instructions" I wonder if you could please clarify if that is the case because that is really the crux of the issue. Did you explicitly tell her not to feed her anything other than what you provided and to allow her to watch ONLY those shows?


Quote:

Unless you are completely, 100% crystal clear about your expectations (to the point that they are written down, and posted on the fridge or something), you can expect for people to do things you wouldn't. Period.
I agree with these. For me, a couple chips and Spongebob (ever since he saved me one time at a four-hour car repair episode at Les Schwab) are not the end of the world, BUT I remember how I felt when I only had one child, and she was only 2.5.

The point is, is it possible that a childless but well-meaning lit major just did not get that "prepared" meant "only possible" and that in spite of their vegetable basis (corn oil, corn syrup, and corn flour... LOL) Doritos are really not an acceptable substitute? Did she take "Clifford" to mean, "cartoons"?

I do think a lot of people are under the impression that TV as background noise is not a big deal. We don't do it. I think it's bad. But again... did you give a specific time limit?

I think the reason people keep repeating that these aren't a big deal to them is not that they are saying, "Therefore, it's relative."

They are saying, a lot of the population would never, ever think to mention these things. It would literally not occur to probably 99% of college students to mention that the child had a Dorito or watched several hours of Spongebob.

Not that it's not a big deal for you or that you're wrong, but that it's not a breach of trust not to mention it unless you:

-Left a list of foods and said, "ONLY these foods please, even if you have your own snacks, thanks" and "The following shows are OK, nothing else:" and "Only x minutes of screen time computer, TV, iphone combined."

I guess that it's not obvious.

I don't think Thyra's repeating the same thing. What she's saying is, your expectations may not have been obvious and if they weren't, you need to understand what the prevailing attitude is to see where your sitter is coming from.

Almost like... say you ask her to put your child to bed after a bath. Sitter lets her have a bubble bath made from dish soap. You are mortified. Posters tell you again and again that bubble baths from dish soap are really common and keep asking you: "So did you or did you not, tell her not to do a bubble bath? Because I would do that..."

There are a LOT of people who would think that calling over a Dorito is ridiculous. It would literally never cross their minds to think that food is an important thing.

Do you see the point? Imagine if this was a person from a foreign country that said prayers over your child before going to bed or something. You would think, "Gee, I didn't realize I had to specify, NO RELIGIOUS RITUALS, please." You wouldn't think of it as a breach of trust.

So did you, or didn't you, tell her "nothing but" and "only these"?

Quote:

Who gives a kid Doritos when they ask for milk?
Lots of people. LOTS AND LOTS OF PEOPLE. Especially people who don't have kids.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Okay - in my last post, I'd missed two full pages of the thread.









It doesn't sound likely that the babysitter was watching Spongebob - possible, but not likely.

OP: I'd definitely talk to her about all this. Those two issues (Doritos and Spongebob) wouldn't be that big a deal to me, and I'd let the Doritos go - with a reminder - since she told you about it herself. The tv thing would definitely require some explanations. IMO, the important thing isn't that it was Spongebob (or any other show, for that matter). The important thing is that she let your dd watch something that you didn't want her watching, and then apparently hid it. I'm willing to concede the possibility that something came up (bad news in the family or something) or she wasn't feeling well and put on the show, then it slipped her mind...but it definitely warrants more investigation, imo.

I was the child in a similar scenario. In my case, the issue at hand - junk food - was pretty bad (large quantities), but the damage was done by the lying and sneaking involved. There were oher issues going on, and those issues were a bigger deal, but the junk food and lying, all by themselves, have caused me issues with food well into adulthood, and the whole pattern was the single biggest contributor to my own disordered eating. IMO, having a caregiver lie to/evade the parents, even over "minor" (to me, and maybe to the babysitter, but not to the parents!) things is damaging...to the _child_. It doesn't matter what those "minor" things are.


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mackenzie* 
I am still wondering how explicit of instructions were left...

Perhaps not explicit enough. I've been trying to soak in what everyone has written and while I believed I communicated what I expect I can cop to the fact that maybe I wasn't clear enough? I don't know but I have decided to speak to her but I will wait a few more days before doing so. I rather have the conversation with a clear head than an annoyed one.


----------



## Jaxinator (Dec 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
Perhaps not explicit enough. I've been trying to soak in what everyone has written and while I believed I communicated what I expect I can cop to the fact that maybe I wasn't clear enough? I don't know but I have decided to speak to her but I will wait a few more days before doing so. I rather have the conversation with a clear head than an annoyed one.

FWIW, I think that's a good idea.
If I were in your situation, I would approach her with a "BTW, I noticed SB was watched on the TV..."
Or a "I'm really sorry if I didn't leave more detailed instructions, but..."

From what you've posted it really sounds like nothing was done on purpose to upset you, more like she didn't even realize that you wouldn't approve. Either way, good luck, and I hope that's all it was, and she's apologetic.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
Perhaps not explicit enough. I've been trying to soak in what everyone has written and while I believed I communicated what I expect I can cop to the fact that maybe I wasn't clear enough? I don't know but I have decided to speak to her but I will wait a few more days before doing so. I rather have the conversation with a clear head than an annoyed one.

Good plan. It's way too easy to go overboard and react badly when you're still irritated. BTDT (here on MDC, actually).


----------



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Okay - in my last post, I'd missed two full pages of the thread.









It doesn't sound likely that the babysitter was watching Spongebob - possible, but not likely.

OP: I'd definitely talk to her about all this. Those two issues (Doritos and Spongebob) wouldn't be that big a deal to me, and I'd let the Doritos go - with a reminder - since she told you about it herself. The tv thing would definitely require some explanations. IMO, the important thing isn't that it was Spongebob (or any other show, for that matter). The important thing is that she let your dd watch something that you didn't want her watching, and then apparently hid it. I'm willing to concede the possibility that something came up (bad news in the family or something) or she wasn't feeling well and put on the show, then it slipped her mind...but it definitely warrants more investigation, imo.

I was the child in a similar scenario. In my case, the issue at hand - junk food - was pretty bad (large quantities), but the damage was done by the lying and sneaking involved. There were oher issues going on, and those issues were a bigger deal, but the junk food and lying, all by themselves, have caused me issues with food well into adulthood, and the whole pattern was the single biggest contributor to my own disordered eating. IMO, having a caregiver lie to/evade the parents, even over "minor" (to me, and maybe to the babysitter, but not to the parents!) things is damaging...to the _child_. It doesn't matter what those "minor" things are.


Thanks for sharing your personal story StormBride. I don't know if you saw my last post but I am going to speak to the sitter.


----------

