# humbling beginnings



## CI Mama (Apr 8, 2010)

I'm starting this thread as a place to share stories about times when we felt humbled by our birthing experiences. Stories about any aspect of labor/delivery and immediate post partum (early infant bonding, first latch, etc) are welcome. Moments of humility imbedded in an otherwise triumphant birth story are welcome, as well as as humility arrived at from a larger sense of diasppointed ideals, or anything else.

This is a forum for sharing your personal experience and your thoughts & feelings about that experience. Please park your soap box at the door.

This is a forum about *humility*, not *humiliation*. The way I see the difference, humility is a profound insight that you arrive at on your own; humiliation is a sense of belittlement or degradation that is thrust at you from outside. Humiliation is unfortunately a feature of some of our birth stories, and I'm not asking anyone to re-live that here. I'm hoping we can keep this forum focused on humility--our transformative self-awareness of being humbled by our experience. I'm also hoping we can avoid turning this into "most embarassing birth moments."

Humility is in the eye of the beholder. This is not a place to question the truth of someone else's story, offer alternate interpretations of events, or speculate about what could have been done to create a different outcome. Nor is it a place to engage in humility oneupmanship (onedownmanship? i.e. "You think that's humbling?! I'll show you humbling!!").

This is a place for sharing and listening.

Thanks in advance for being present.


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## CI Mama (Apr 8, 2010)

I'll jump in by offering a story of my own to get us started.

It was 4:30 am on the 2nd night of my labor, I had been pushing for 3 hours, and now we were starting to talk about next steps because it was clear that things weren't moving. The resident thought that maybe vacuum extraction was a possibility, but then the OB came in and said that it wasn't.

(His exact words were "We could try vaccuum extraction, but you'd never be the same again." And I remember thinking, "Dude, I'm never going to be the same again no matter what. This is *birth*." But I kept that thought to myself.)

The OB said that he would support me in continuing to labor if I wanted, but that he wanted me to consider a c-section as an option. I asked the hospital staff to leave the room so that my partner & our doula could have a private moment to talk about options. So the nurse, the resident, and the OB left the room.

As soon as they shut the door, I burst into tears and wailed "Why can't it be enough?" I had started labor when my water broke 32 hours earlier, and I had initially felt such a sense of exhiliration, so ready to embrace the whole thing. Now I felt stuck in a nightmare, though I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when things had changed. It seemed impossible that all my efforts had come to this.

During my late pregnancy and leading up to labor, I had been aware of a slight feeling of sadness about letting go of being pregnant. I knew that this was a one-time experience for me and that I wouldn't get pregnant again; that if I had other children, they would come to me in a different way. Pregnancy felt like such a state of grace to me. I just never got over a sense that a miracle was taking place in my body, and I LOVED feeling so close and connected with my baby.

And yet of course pregnancy can't last forever, and parts of me were ready to be done with it, and I was very, very eager to meet my baby on the outside and to begin our journey together as two separate beings. And it seemed like an unmedicated, vaginal birth would provide a cathartic release that would carry me through that little sadness of saying goodbye to the pregnancy.

But here I was on my back with an epidural in a labor that had stalled, stalled, stalled.

Here's where my humbling moment comes in. When the doctor offered c-section, I was overcome with a huge wave of grief, but it was equally co-mingled with relief, which is the last thing I expected to feel with regards to a c-section. I was just so relieved that there was another way out. Because the truth is, my baby felt as securely lodged in my body as it had when the water had broken 32 hours earlier. No part of me felt like my baby was about to emerge into the world. I had given everything that I had to give to my labor, and I just didn't have anything left except my profound desire to hold my baby in my arms.

So I called the doctor back into the room, and I said, "Let's do the c-section." And my baby was born, and I was born as a mother.


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## lotus.blossom (Mar 1, 2005)

My first birth resulted in c/s. There were many personal speculations on my part about what went "wrong" but rather than dwelling on the past I chose to throw myself into my next birth wholeheartedly. My only realistic option was a HBAC as the local hospitals had a VBAC ban. I was 100% confident in my bodies ability as were my midwives. The thought of another c/s never even entered my mind. Nor did I prepare for it, by packing a transfer bag. Superstitiously I (and some of my fellow DDC'ers) figured if I packed a bag it would mean that I am entertaining the thought of not having my HBAC. I read books, read only positive birth stories, felt a bit smug, attended the local Orgasmic Birth showing.....and fully envisioned my perfect labor and birth.

Fast forward to my labor......everything was progressing perfectly. I had a quick labor as compared to my first and was complete within 7-8 hours. Laboring at home was every bit as amazing as I had read. The birth pool, the comfort of my own home, the quiet support of my midwives at my side. The urge to push so strong. I even had the priviledge of feeling my babies head, half a fingers length inside me. I was pumped to do this. Pushed for an hour, two, three. Midwife said- feel your babies head. I did and it hadn't budged. I started to feel the shred of doubt enter my mind. I remember the complete silence in between my ctx. As another ctx started and I began to push I could hear the video camera open and my aunt and mother whispering- this one is it. Ctx after ctx this happened and in my mind I was screaming at them to stop. This wasn't it. Its not going to happen.

My big humbling moment- Midwife did one last check. It had been 5 hours of pushing and she had me sit on my husbands lap, facing him, with my bottom hanging down and she declared that my baby was not going to fit through my pelvic arch. Despite my best efforts. I felt crushed. The transfer to the hospital was so humbling. The pain which was fairly manageable at this point was no longer productive and I could barely handle it. At the hospital they gave me shots to stop my ctx but they didn't work. I found out later that a lot of my family had assembled at the hospital waiting for me. I was wheeled past them on a gurney on my hands and knees screaming. Talk about humbling. Here I was confident in my HBAC and there I was being wheeled into surgery. As I was being cut open the doctors talked about everyday life. Actually they were speking of a patient who'd had an abortion. Excellent topic while i was birthing my second baby into the world.


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## _ktg_ (Jul 11, 2008)

I'll becoming back to post my ds2 story - I think I'm finally ready to tell it.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

A humble beginning for me was that during our natural childbirth class - all 8 weeks of it - I felt like I knew so much already, whereas other expectant mothers asked a ton of questions. I wondered why we were even there. Maybe b/c I grew up surrounded by birth with a mom who was a L&D nurse, then the nurse manager of L&D and mother & baby, then she went on to become a CNM, plus I read, read, read about birth and felt super educated. Anyway, in my mind, everything was going to go smoothly, and of course, I would have a drug-free childbirth.

Sooo, during our childbirth class (which, btw, we only signed up for b/c it was at my mom's hospital - so it was free and she encouraged us to take it), I completely spaced out during the portion about c-sections. The instructor was very clear in the beginning that the chances were that we wouldn't have to undergo one, but just in case, this was the procedure and what to be prepared for, how to recover quickly, etc. I honestly tuned it all out at that point, because I figured it was of no need to me to even understand the surgery, b/c of course it would never be something I would ever endure.

Well, you know, 4 c-sections later I would say that it was humbling, especially for the first one, after 36+ hours of labor and wanting nothing more but to push my baby out, to end up on that OR table.

The good thing about it (besides my beautiful DD







) was that my introduction to motherhood was that you should never say never, and that a lot of things are truly out of your control.

ETA: Hey, CI Mama - I just wanted to say I'm glad you found MDC.


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## porcelina (May 2, 2007)

Thanks for this topic.

My humbling experience has to do with newborn care. Prior to my son's birth, I had had virtually no previous experience with newborns. I had held friends' babies when they were older, and had helped care for nieces and nephews, but didn't really know what to expect with a newborn. Essentially, I assumed that I would be able to meet my baby's needs. I had been good at "reading" the needs of other children in the family, bonded easily with children in general, and was the kind of person who attracted stray cats to my door. I knew there was a possibility that this belief was naive, but I just had no idea how far it was from reality.

My son was a "colicky" baby. He cried for hours on end for unexplained reasons. We asked our doctor at his first check-up if it was normal for a baby to always be either asleep or crying. We tried everything we could think of, then asked for help from friends with babies. No one had had an experience like ours. We then turned to books and the internet, and finally found forums where people described babies like ours. Still, things that worked only worked for a few minutes, and the crying continued.

Eventually, I eliminated dairy from my diet, and he seems to have had a sensitivity to milk protein. This helped, but he has still always had a very strong reaction to discomfort and is very loud about it. Now he's old enough that I can understand and respond to his needs, but it was very humbling as a new mother to hear my son cry and not be able to fix it.


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## at_the_hip (Jan 12, 2008)

For me personally it has been incredibly humbling to feel/experience the difference between direct posterior birth and an anterior birth. Extreme pain vs. intense but easy in comparison. But my body still worked and the babies came out.

It has taught me that courage isn't about not being afraid...but rather about deciding that even if history repeats itself it will be worth doing anyway. That's really tough to accept.


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## laughymama (Oct 14, 2009)

Throughout my first pregnancy I rolled my eyes and poo pooed any stories I heard of women too timid or intimidated to stand up for themselves, their bodies and their babies.

I was arrogant and thought, "Why WOULDN'T you say something, geesh!"

Then it happened to me. I was pressured, intimidated and so convinced of my 'incompetence' when it came to birthing my baby that once he was out and in my arms I was still dazed.
A half hour later my MIL finally said, "Well have you looked at him yet?!" (He was swaddled tightly) and I just kind of mumbled meekly, "Uh, no.." and she said, "He's YOURS. You can do what YOU want. He's YOURS. Look at him and touch him!"

I literally had to have someone point out that he belonged to me and I was responsible for him and knew best, not the hospital or nurses. I was so scared and felt very small because of how I'd been treated beforehand that I felt inadequate and wasn't sure if I was 'allowed' to do certain things.

I came out stronger. Now I know more and can and will stand up for myself. I'm also more compassionate for others who have gone through similar situations instead of being snotty and thinking they're being silly.

I was definitely humbled by my son's birth. Thank the heavens for that.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

My second birth was very humbling, I'll be back later when I have more time to post about. Thanks to everyone who's posted so far.


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## Plummeting (Dec 2, 2004)

DD2 was a precipitous birth. I was humbled by the fact that even if everything does turn out "perfectly" (uncomplicated vaginal birth resulting in healthy baby) that doesn't mean you have any control over it or should plan obsessively for it. I had music playlists, I had a list of things for DH to do before the midwives showed up, I'd made chocolate covered strawberries and had a bottle of champagne ready...so many little things. In the end, I yelled, "Why do you keep leaving me? STOP LEAVING ME!" when DH came to check on me in between taking care of my "labor to do list", I was too - I dunno - shell shocked to remember strawberries or champagne when it was all over with, pushing happened so fast and was so intense I didn't even remember to have DH go ask DD if she wanted to see the birth, we have almost no pictures because who the hell remembers pictures when you just gave birth in 52 minutes from first "real" contraction to baby in arms and dimming the lights to relax and listen to my calming music was the LAST thing on my mind amidst the awful pain that was that ridiculously short labor. I didn't even really _see_ her being born, because I was leaning back in the bathtub, which is a pretty stupid position for birthing, but who thinks about that when they feel like they're being butchered anyway?

I knew ahead of time I'd be "in control" and that I'd deal well with the pain, just like I had for DD1's short, but not _that_ short, labor. HA! Pain in labor has a lot to do with relaxing through it, at least for me, and I personally could not relax through what happened in those most intense 52 minutes of my life. So I felt like I was out of control and screaming like a banshee for the last 25 of them. (DH says I wasn't actually screaming, but I'm not sure about that.) All of that was very humbling for me. And I learned that birth is just birth. Yes, it's amazing and joyful and wonderful, but it's not this big thing that should take up so much of our mental energy. It should be respectful. As long as it is, the rest doesn't matter.


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## prancie (Apr 18, 2007)

After more than 50 hours of labor when contractions finally got really intense I was totally humbled by how intense they could be. I had not slept much in 2 nights and I had thought that they were intense when I finally reached 10 cm. Boy was I wrong!!! I, the one committed to an HBAC, made the CHOICE to transfer to the hospital for pain relief after my midwife expressed concern about a cervical lip and proposed a time limit on laboring at home further. I wanted to throw myself out of the car onto the highway and end it all because of the pain on the way to the hospital and when there I crawled around the floor in front of the admitting desk and begged for pain relief. 58 hours after my first contractions Logan was born by vbac, thank goodness, but even with a partial epidural it was the hardest most intense and almost the most painful experience of my life. (the most painful was a fundal massage after my c-section). I think in the future I will do more in prep for pain management. I did enjoy that I had prepared for a potential transfer and had a bag packed with all of my medical records. (that was the humbling experience from my first birth, I had not anticipated a precipitous transfer and had no bag packed).

Now I know why my mom broke my dad's fingers during one of her births.


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## LiLStar (Jul 7, 2006)

When I was pregnant I thought c-sections could be neatly filed into two distinct categories. Necessary, emergency situations that were pretty much unavoidable, and ones that could have been avoided if mom had mom only done the "right" things. I would hear things about the struggles women would go through to get vbac support, and bans, and think.. too bad those women had to learn the hard way, and thank goodness I'll never have to deal with that! I'm doing everything right. I'm smart enough to avoid a c-section. I have a midwife, homebirthing, I do prenatal yoga every week, I've had a perfect healthy pregnancy, hypnobirthing classes, positive visualization of peacefully pushing my baby out in our bath tub, reading lots of positive birth stories, hired a doula, reading pro-natural childbirth books like ina may's guide, I mean, I really thought I had myself covered!

Then I had a c-section. Sometimes birth is just a crapshoot.


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## billikengirl (Sep 12, 2008)

There was a moment in my second hour of pushing where I thought "I don't care anymore let's just knock me out and cut it out." It was just luck that I was at home instead of a place where that wish could have happened. I was physically and mentally broken down by the power of birth. It knocked the holier-than-thou right out of me. I'm glad about that.


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## prancie (Apr 18, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *billikengirl* 
I was physically and mentally broken down by the power of birth. It knocked the holier-than-thou right out of me. I'm glad about that.


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## CI Mama (Apr 8, 2010)

Thank you for sharing! These are amazing stories.

Did I mention that the OB on call who offered the c-section was named Dr. Wait? Why couldn't I have I gotten Dr. Getonwithit??


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## FireWithin (Apr 29, 2004)

For our first, DH and I worked hard on learning about natural birth, how to avoid sections. We were well educated. What we weren't prepared for was a 72 hour, posterior labor that was insanely painful, that I couldn't relax through, and that didn't progress. I ended up with a epi and pic after 7 hours of transition. He came out vaginally, but with much physical and emotional trauma on my part, he was fine. I tried my best to do everything right, but it still wasn't a picture perfect birth.

For our second we went deeper into natural birthing and discovered Ina May Gaskin and I thought we figured out all of my "mistakes." I learned how to relax through the most intense pain. things would be different.

At 37 weeks we found out our bundle of joy was breech. I tried everything, and he remained breech. No one in my area would take me for a breech birth, and even Ina May at The Farm wouldn't take me because of the baby's size.

I was told many times I could do it at home, and maybe I could have, but there was something within me saying not to. I listened to my intuition, and very sadly had a section.

I so badly wanted to have a trial of labor at the hospital but it wasn't an option.

Through the recent discussions here I am starting to realize that birth is sometimes out of your hands, sometimes it's a crapshoot.

I'm expecting again and this time I'm not aiming for perfection, just a bit of peace where I will be heard and respected. This is what my intuition is saying - go with the flow, use your heart and knowledge, and feel at peace.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

My first birth, I was 18 and knew nothing about pregnancy, or birth, or breastfeeding. I happily got induced at 41 weeks with cytotec. Crappy labor that accomplished nothing, and I wound up with a c/s for fetal distress and ftp (never dilated. At all. In 9 hours of labor). Honestly it never bothered me until I started getting in to the NCB community. And while I definitely regret my willful ignorance regarding pregnancy and birth, I also regret letting other people me feel so horribly about my c/s. When I got pregnant again 3.5 years later, we planned to birth at a birthing center with a cnm. At 20 weeks pregnant, the bc decided they weren't going to do vbacs at the center anymore, and wanted to transfer me to the hospital. I was crushed. I bawled like a baby the whoe 1.5 drive home. It had pretty much been beaten into my head that vbac in a hospital was impossible.

I got the name and number of a homebirth midwife. Dh was really resistant but I basically forced him into it. I did everything "right." I ate my brewer diet and walked a mile a day, I did visualizations (I believed so strongly in them that I was terrified to even think too much about the actual birth visualizations because I was convinced I would put myself into preterm labor). I read all the books and didn't even bother to make a birth plan "just in case" I had to go to the hospital, because that violated the whole concept of positive thinking! I wasn't going to "try" to have a homebirth, I WAS going to have one. I really looked down on women who had hospital births, especially "failed" vbacs with pity and even contempt, honestly, because they were "doing it wrong." They were uneducated and weak and it never, ever occured to me that that could be me again.

Everything seemed okay, other than the fact that my fundus never went over 36/37, even though I went 11 days "overdue." But baby seemed low in my pelvis and everything else looked fine, so the midwife wasn't concerned (big mistake). The first day of labor was really prodromal, irregular contractions. They were regular by the second day, but SO painful I could barely handle it. I spent most of the time in the birth tub crying. I was progressing very, very slowly, so the midwife had us take bumpy car rides over our country roads. It was horrible, every time we hit a bump while I was having a contraction my whole body would seize and all I could do was scream. The baby was posterior and asynclitic and it was so, so horribly painful. The midwife had me on my hands and knees trying to turn her. She did turn some and then it wasn't so painful, but by then I was so exhausted I just couldn't do it anymore. I just hung off the side of the birth tub and fell asleep in between contractions. I remember her checking me at one point and saying I was at 7cm and transition should only take about an hour. Well, 5 hours later I was at 8cm and labor was stalling out. My contractions went very irregular and up to 20 minutes apart. The baby's heart started dropping and the mw said I needed to transfer. The local hospital was full so we had to drive 45 minutes to another one.

The l&d nurse was awful. She was mean and rough. They put me on the monitors and her heart rate was awful. I was only having one or two contractions an hour by that point (and I had been in labor nearly 72 hours by the time I got to the hospital). So they did another c/s and as soon as she was born she started having seizures. Her one minute apgar was 1 and they took back to the NICU immediately. (The ob was a jerk but the anesthisologist was very kind, I was really glad to have him there).

So long story short she had had a massive stroke at some point in the pregnancy and it left her severely brain damaged (about 50% of her brain mass was completely dead). With how far gone the dead areas were, they figured she could have had it as much as a month before birth, which is probably why my fundal height stayed small (she was only 6.10 at 11 days over due, dd1 had been 8.9 7 days over). It was horrible and heartbreaking and so unfair I could barely stand it. It was even worse when I had people that I thought I could count on questioning me and treating me like I had shamed the whole NCB community by "failing" to have a hbac.

But humbling, yeah. It doesn't get much more humble than being told your newborn might be a vegetable her whole life, assuming she doesn't die first.

It was a hard lesson in the fact that there's no such thing as "control" over birth and that mother nature doesn't give a shit about me or my baby. I learned that advocating for myself and my baby also means standing up against people I otherwise agree with. So when I was planning a hospital vba2c with an ob with the next baby, I was able to shrug off the "you'll never have a vba2c in the hospital" crap and have a great birth. It wasn't "perfect" by the strictest standards of natural birth, but it was MY birth and it was great. And really, that birth humbled me again, because I realized I was still holding to this fantasy that a vaginal birth would "fix" something, would make me somehow "more"...more of a mother, more of a woman, whatever. And it didn't. It was great and I felt fantastic physically, but I didn't love my vba2c baby more than my c/s babies, I didn't bond to her better or faster, I didn't magically morph into some amazing birth goddess. I guess I realized that it's becoming a mother itself that's transformative, not necessarily the process of birth itself.

My birth experiences have really made me a much more humble, understanding person. I don't judge moms when they talk about their birth experiences any more, I believe them and support them.


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CherryBomb* 
My birth experiences have really made me a much more humble, understanding person. I don't judge moms when they talk about their birth experiences any more, I believe them and support them.

I hate that you had to go through all that.









I suspect that women in "olden times" were pretty humble about birth. Experiences like yours were probably not uncommon, and there were no medical interventions, so they probably had few illusions going into it.

On a side note, I had a bit of glowy feeling about The Farm until I learned from threads like these that they DO risk out for certain factors (I see size mentioned more than once). So THAT's how they keep their c-section transfer rate below 3%. Not a real-world figure then.


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## Altair (May 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CherryBomb* 
And really, that birth humbled me again, because I realized I was still holding to this fantasy that a vaginal birth would "fix" something, would make me somehow "more"...more of a mother, more of a woman, whatever. And it didn't. It was great and I felt fantastic physically, but I didn't love my vba2c baby more than my c/s babies, I didn't bond to her better or faster, I didn't magically morph into some amazing birth goddess. I guess I realized that it's becoming a mother itself that's transformative, not necessarily the process of birth itself.



Wow. Some amazing food for thought. I think you just bumped up my coming to terms with hb-turned-c/s process to the next level.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Altair* 
Wow. Some amazing food for thought. I think you just bumped up my coming to terms with hb-turned-c/s process to the next level.

Gosh, thanks


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## RedOakMomma (Sep 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CherryBomb* 
I guess I realized that it's becoming a mother itself that's transformative, not necessarily the process of birth itself.









Beautifully, beautifully put.


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## Snapdragon (Aug 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LiLStar* 
When I was pregnant I thought c-sections could be neatly filed into two distinct categories. Necessary, emergency situations that were pretty much unavoidable, and ones that could have been avoided if mom had mom only done the "right" things. I would hear things about the struggles women would go through to get vbac support, and bans, and think.. too bad those women had to learn the hard way, and thank goodness I'll never have to deal with that! I'm doing everything right. I'm smart enough to avoid a c-section. I have a midwife, homebirthing, I do prenatal yoga every week, I've had a perfect healthy pregnancy, hypnobirthing classes, positive visualization of peacefully pushing my baby out in our bath tub, reading lots of positive birth stories, hired a doula, reading pro-natural childbirth books like ina may's guide, I mean, I really thought I had myself covered!

Then I had a c-section. Sometimes birth is just a crapshoot.

This was me also! I also thought-I am in such good shape physically, I eat so well, I do yoga. I only read positive birth stories. I thought it would all come easy for me because I was so at peace with it, so I thought. And yet I ended up with a c section also!


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## Snapdragon (Aug 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CherryBomb* 

I guess I realized that it's becoming a mother itself that's transformative, not necessarily the process of birth itself.

My birth experiences have really made me a much more humble, understanding person. I don't judge moms when they talk about their birth experiences any more, I believe them and support them.

yes to this!


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## mamabadger (Apr 21, 2006)

After two hospital births, unmedicated but with a lot of unwanted interference, I planned on a home birth for my third. I even contacted a midwifery service and made sure they would be available before I would go ahead and conceive. I was all ready to _finally_ give birth the way I wanted, when I started to bleed heavily at 40 weeks, and ended up with a CS for undiagnosed placenta previa. I mostly felt disappointed and defeated by the way things went, but it did occur to me that this was one way to cure me of the self-centered notion that I was at the helm.
On the positive side, the hospital had reformed some of its postpartum policies since my last baby, and they now supported rooming in and demand BF without supplements. I found BF and early contact with the baby easier this time, ironically, than with my previous uncomplicated births.


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## _ktg_ (Jul 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LiLStar* 
When I was pregnant I thought c-sections could be neatly filed into two distinct categories. Necessary, emergency situations that were pretty much unavoidable, and ones that could have been avoided if mom had mom only done the "right" things. I would hear things about the struggles women would go through to get vbac support, and bans, and think.. too bad those women had to learn the hard way, and thank goodness I'll never have to deal with that! I'm doing everything right. I'm smart enough to avoid a c-section. I have a midwife, homebirthing, I do prenatal yoga every week, I've had a perfect healthy pregnancy, hypnobirthing classes, positive visualization of peacefully pushing my baby out in our bath tub, reading lots of positive birth stories, hired a doula, reading pro-natural childbirth books like ina may's guide, I mean, I really thought I had myself covered!

Then I had a c-section. Sometimes birth is just a crapshoot.

This was my exact experience in preparing for my VBAC - which ended with a 2nd c/s.

My first c/s I'll admit I was sorely underprepared for the power of birth. I caved quickly to get an epidural (DS was OP and I had terrible back labor), got to 10 but couldn't push him out to save my life. 2 1/2 hours later - we have a c/s.

2nd pregnancy - A very good friend had a traumatic 1st birth and we sort of shared our stories. She went on to have an amazing homebirth and I was inspired that I could and my body could do the same - VBAC'ing. We moved during this time and I started with a new ob/gyn clinic and found a doctor who was wonderful candid about his beliefs re: vbac (its possible) and his experiences and fears. It was nice, but I knew I needed to get prepared, so I signed up for prenatal yoga (did that 2x week), I signed up DH & I for bradley birth classes (to help him understand my anger at being "abandoned" & "not listened to" at DS1 birth), we hired a doula, we read books, we practiced coping techniques, I watched my weight during the pregnancy (I have a tendancy to gain 60# easily!) and exercised everyday. I was in better shape than ever in my adult life.

DS2's due date was 01/02/2009 - and he decided to be late. The due date was most likely a crapshoot at best since he was an "oopsie" and we were tracking it by any means. I declined an induction at 40wks and then outlined what would be an ok method (foley) if we had to induce or I decided I was done.

I lasted until 42 weeks on the nose, and decided to check-in (I was really tired and sick of walking, sex and yes even castor oil) after receiving some accupuncture to start labor.

I did an entire TOL (straight to 10cm) and then when my water broke DS spun around. I pushed for 7 hours and made it to +2 and he just would not come out. At hour 2 of pushing - I got an epidural (my hips were about to give out to pain) and that made it easier, but also made the "cascade of interventions" happen too. I asked for pit to continue the ctx and every check discussed each of my options every time he began to call it for a c-section.

Finally there were just no other options.. and I asked for everyone except my DH & doula to leave and I made the decision to have the c-section. I had the serenity prayer going to through my head while I did and it just dawned on me, I needed to have to strength to accept what I could not change which was this birthing outcome. I did everything else and then some to make it happen, but it was not in the cards.

I love that birth experience and grimace under it too as it made me understand just how strong I was a person, but that strength is not the only trait needed for birth, but wisdom and humility about the process.

I still haven't been able to write the birth stories to either DS because in many ways I feel I failed them and see so many mistakes I wish I could take back. But I am on the road to accepting these births as a part of what is making me the person and advocate for birth today.


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

One contraction. That's what did it for me. I had a transformative pregnancy. I went into it just wanting to have a baby, you know? By the time my due date was approaching, I was a natural childbirth advocate. I'd read Henci Goer. I had a fantastic doula. Etc., etc. I took it easy during the day while labor started. I tried to go back to sleep when things took off in earnest that night. I labored at home with my fabulous DH, even enduring the surprise of back labor with relative aplomb. When the time came, we drove to the hospital and had a great birth. I did everything right and I had a fantastic birth. I could have turned into a complete arrogant bitch. Except for that one contraction.

One contraction during which I lost concentration somehow. I didn't "stay on top of it" or "relax through it" or whatever. Instead, my whole body was wracked with pain. It was exactly like I imagine the cruciatus curse from Harry Potter might be like. It was horrible. And humbling. If my whole labor had been like that, there is no way I could have kept going without some kind of additional pain relief. I would have been begging for the epidural.

I'm sort of grateful for that one contraction because it taught me so much. I have a second child now and for the second labor, I had pitocin and no epidural. Still, not a single contraction the second time around was like that one bad one. But for some women, I imagine, they get many more contractions like that, or maybe all of their contractions are like that. Who is to say what someone else is feeling?


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## FireWithin (Apr 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Girlprof* 
It was exactly like I imagine the cruciatus curse from Harry Potter might be like. It was horrible. And humbling. If my whole labor had been like that, there is no way I could have kept going without some kind of additional pain relief. I would have been begging for the epidural.


wow. I had forgotten that this was how I described the pain, contraction after contraction, for hours. My body would twist horribly.

Funny, how those details can be forgotten, especially when I read of other's descriptions and they weren't like that. I just started thinking that mine were like others.

thank you


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## CI Mama (Apr 8, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *_ktg_* 
I love that birth experience and grimace under it too as it made me understand just how strong I was a person, but that strength is not the only trait needed for birth, but wisdom and humility about the process.

I still haven't been able to write the birth stories to either DS because in many ways I feel I failed them and see so many mistakes I wish I could take back. But I am on the road to accepting these births as a part of what is making me the person and advocate for birth today.

Yes, I can really relate to this!

I also haven't written my birth story and have struggled to figure out how someday I will talk to DD about how she was born, especially since I hope she will choose to be a mother and will have a better birthing experience than I did. One blessing that I'm thankful for is that the CS doesn't seem to have affected her adversely at all...all the ill effects fell on me. And I'm grateful for that.

Another thing that's been helpful for me is to not think of her birth as "a story" or "my story" but as "many stories"--hers and mine--that can be told in different ways at different times, emphasizing different details, interpreted in different ways. I don't have to package it up neat & tidy with a "moral" at the end. In order to keep it open & ambiguous & layered & complex, I might need to keep telling it over & over in different ways. And I'm OK with that.

I also see a difference between MY story of the birth and HERS. I'm working on my story, but I don't know what hers is or will be. Like I said, I think all the ill effects fell on me...but if someday she has a different story to tell, I hope I'll have the openness & strength to accept it.

Thanks for sharing!


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## Comtessa (Sep 16, 2008)

I did so much research ahead of time to convince DH to get on board with a homebirth - and loads of that research was about how bad hospitals are. I put my foot down: I was not going anywhere near a hospital to have this baby.

Then, 52 hours of labor later, I was worn out, trembling uncontrollably, dehydrated, fully dilated but so exhausted I had no strength left to push. When the MW finally suggested a transfer, I don't think I even had the strength to do much more than nod.

The hospital people were kind, professional, listened to me, and even read my birth plan and followed it -- everything I had predicted they _wouldn't_ do. When I asked the nurses to do something that was against hospital policy, they did it. I had been declaring (adamantly) for 40 weeks that such a phenomenon was impossible in the medical world of hospital birthing.

I had been so sure that only a MW could attend my birth because only women understand other women in labor. DD ended up "caught" by an OB-GYN -- and a MALE one at that!!! Afterwards, the nurses told me that this OB-GYN had done a lot of unusual things with my birth. It was only his attentiveness and compassion for my needs and desires that made it possible for me to push for FOUR HOURS without anybody ever saying the word "C-section." He was honestly wonderful.

So, yeah, birth is humbling, all right. DH still reminds me of all the dire predictions I'd made about hospitals beforehand. (Of course, I still think that my HB plans were what saved me from a lot of the "usual" hospital stuff... but who really knows?) And my very male, very medically-minded OB-GYN ended up being the one who came in on his day off to "save the day" for me and my little one when I needed medical intervention.

Oh, and one more thing... the last few minutes of pushing, after four hours had gone by and the baby was STILL not here... I turned to my mother and said in despair, "is there any other way out of this?" and she shook her head. "The only way out is to push, honey," she said. So, I pushed. So much for the strong birthing goddess I was going to be... at the end, all I wanted was a way out!!


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## CBall (Apr 5, 2010)

Looking back I can tell that I was a know-it-all before I had my daughter. I read every book I could find, attended Bradley class, and agonized for months over the fact that I was going to have to birth in a hospital due to the lack of midwives I felt comfortable with. I had everything all planned out. I was going to stay home until my cntx were exactly 3 min. apart, I would use all of the optimal positions, I was going to "make low sounds" during labor, and surely all of my breastfeeding classes/books would pay off in the perfect moment where my daughter would latch on and we would bond after birth.

And then I went in to labor. I was 90% effaced and in active drug free labor for 3 days. I was sent home the first time I went to the hospital because I was only dialated to 3. During my three days of labor sitting, squating, and laying down in general was impossible. The only possible postitions were standing alternating by brief moments of laying flat on my back. My contractions were 3 minutes apart for 20 hours. Forget about making low sounds it was scream or die. I ended up pushing for four hours, and finally delivering with the help of the vaccume while laying flat on my back, begging the OB to DO something. I'm pretty sure I said I'd do anything and that I loved him. I had third degree internal tears which took two hours to stitch. My mom got to hold the baby for the majority of those first hours. Firstly because I didn't want the baby to be afraid of my crying while they stitched me up, and secondly because I passed out in the bathroom from blood loss.

But by the time we left, I loved that hospital. Everyone was kind and supportive of my desire for natural childbirth. They never pushed anything on me. They were more curious than anything about my choices. I was the only one on the floor those three days who was drug free. And after Dd was born hospital staff would stop by to see her and comment about how much more alert she was than the other babies.

As for breastfeeding, because of the vaccume or the delay in bonding, who knows, we had lots of issues with latch. I had pretty bad ppd and I honestly don't know what would have happened if I hadn't been breastfeeding. It was a really rough 1st month. But even with the problems I really feel that breastfeeding saved my sanity.

Birth humbled and changed me. It can be a terrible, wonderful, awe inspiring thing. Because of it I will never judge another mom's birth/parenting choices again. In some ways I'm glad I didn't have an easy time of it. I kind of think that I would have been insufferable if I would have. I learned that everybody is just doing the best they can, and that you can't birth or parent "by the book." I don't know what tomorrow or the next day will bring and I don't plan for it. I parent by following my daughters lead and doing what needs to be done at the time. Birth taught me that I don't really know anything at all, and that that is o.k.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Thanks to everyone that has shared their story!


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## Kimcarrots (May 3, 2004)

I had three lovely homebirths and three large tears (3rd degree, 3rd degree, 4th degree with hospital repair). I have birthed on my back, my side, and kneeling. I just tear, it is just a part of who I am. I have surrendered.

If I want to have another (and I do!) I will have to choose a cesarean birth.

Well meaning friends, doctors, and midwives say they have the "answer" for me to have a tear free birth. But I know better, surrender is my key.

I surrendered and felt a holy hand with me when I went into the hospital hours after my last son Jericho was born and they said "we think you need general anesthetic." I didn't want to be operated on! But the minute I let go (like others have mentioned) I felt relief.

I'm hoping I can find the courage to become pregnant again - because I really yearn for another baby.

This thread has helped me so much. Much love to all of you!


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

Before I had babies, I was a CNM. More medically minded than a lot of folks at MDC, but you can't be a CNM without a good bit of earthy birthiness, too, you know?

One of my favorite lines to tell women was, "your body won't grow a baby that's too big to birth. Trust your body. Trust in the birth process."

My first baby weighed 11 lb, 14 oz. And he. wasn't. coming. out. Period, no ifs, no ands, no buts. I ended up with a c-section.

Very, very humbling. But, in the end, not such a bad thing.


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## Altair (May 1, 2005)

That was one of my favorite lines as a doula also. Turns out, my body grew a baby with a head too big to fit in my pelvis.


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## loveneverfails (Feb 20, 2009)

That wasn't quite my favorite line. Mine was that "fat squishes" so a macrosomic infant really isn't a significantly bigger risk than an infant under 4000 grams.

Cue the 10 lb 2 oz baby with 17 1/2 inch shoulders, nuchal cord x2 that she was turtling on but no one knew about the cord because they couldn't find it around her very chubby cheeks. She had a 1 minute Apgar of 0 from a 3 minute dystocia. My daughter was literally born dead.

And no, you couldn't "just flip on hands and knees and the baby will fall right out." This took 4 different positions and 3 minutes when my baby was dying. And then I had serious PPH with the placental separation, and probably could have used a transfusion, but I was too stubborn to even consider going to the hospital for help.

It absolutely humbled me (especially since I had considered unassisted birth for that birth, which absolutely would have been fatal in this situation), and I will never treat a "big baby" or "shoulder dystocia" as something to speak about casually. While I believe that the design of birth is fundamentally sound, there is so much that can go wrong and I won't take a good outcome for granted again and I have far greater understanding for anyone who wants to be in a hospital with all the available technologies on site instead of a drive away.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

My birth was very powerful and very humbling for me. There were many humbling moments, but the most was when I held my baby for the first time. Screaming, wriggling on my chest he was the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life. He still is. Every single time I look at him I'm taken aback by the fact that I GAVE BIRTH to him!! It's so incredible to think about! Even almost 16 months later!

I was so shocked by the fact that it really was a BABY in there that I forgot to look if he was a boy or girl! My midwife kindly reminded me about 2 minutes after his birth that I needed to look!

It was amazing. I can't wait to have another.


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## MittensKittens (Oct 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thyra* 
My birth was very powerful and very humbling for me. There were many humbling moments, but the most was when I held my baby for the first time. Screaming, wriggling on my chest he was the most beautiful person I have ever seen in my life. He still is. Every single time I look at him I'm taken aback by the fact that I GAVE BIRTH to him!! It's so incredible to think about! Even almost 16 months later!

I was so shocked by the fact that it really was a BABY in there that I forgot to look if he was a boy or girl! My midwife kindly reminded me about 2 minutes after his birth that I needed to look!

It was amazing. I can't wait to have another.


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## 47chromosomes (Aug 5, 2007)

My birth to DS1 was a cinch. Really. I had him at our local hospital birth center in our oh-so-crunchy town, no intervention. My good friend who is a midwife was our doula, so we stayed home until she offered to check me (I think she had a feeling I was much further along than I was, and she was right). We showed up to the birth center in transition, gave a few pushes, and out came our beautiful little boy. It was very surreal, and really, I do not think it was all THAT difficult in light of some of the physical pursuits I have accomplished in my life (in sports).

So, for DS2's birth we figured we were made to have babies, and we felt extremely confident pursuing home birth with my good friend who was at DS1's birth, and her business partner. I of course did not want to guess at what it was going to be like, but I did. I figured we would have another very straight forward labor and birth. I even guessed it would be shorter than the last, which was 12 hours.

What we got was an acynclitic baby who was very high in my pelvis. I was dialating more slowly than with DS1 because there was no head pushing on the cervix, just the bag of waters. Where DS2's head was was my left hip, and every contraction felt so, so horrible. We had hours and hours of hard labor/transition doing all kinds of acrobatics to get that little guy to get into position.

My lowest point was in the birth tub, DH sitting next to me and we just prayed, and I cried. I just wanted to be at the hospital for a c/s. In reality neither I nor DS2 was in danger, but what we were experiencing was not optimal, and it was extremely painful physically and emotionally for me to endure. It felt like I just could not count on those contractions to be moving me toward the finish line, so I could not relax into them. I could not ride them. I was simply enduring them, with a level of hopelessness. I think I was scared.

Meanwhile, the midwives (our awesome, awesome midwives!) were at the kitchen table, text books out, hashing out a plan. We had avoided breaking my water thus far as baby was so high, but we decided to get me onto the bed while my friend midwife had one hand inside me, the other on the outside, trying to find the cord and also maneauvering our guy into a better spot. She determined that the cord was out of the way, and so we broke the water and guided DS into a better position. It worked, and I immediately threw-up, and felt like I needed to push. A few pushes (laying flat on my back, I was so exhausted), and our boy came lumbering into the world with the weirdest shaped head I have ever seen due to the acynclitism.

For a long time after that birth I felt traumatized. Not exactly the rosy memories of having given birth to my son in my own home I had anticipated. Why would something like that have to happen to a woman?! Why me?! Had I been at the hospital, I would have had an epidural with out a doubt. I felt maybe even a bit ripped off to have had to endure that labor.

Humbled? YES! I can never, ever turn a wondering eye at a woman whose birth involves pain relief and/or interventions. My baby was helped into the world by two midwives whose training is mostly with high risk pregnancies the world over. To them, this was no emergency. It was simply something that needed more problem solving than leaving things to nature. But, I was so discouraged. I wanted that easy labor that I was so sure I would get. And I was in pain. And really, had I been in the hospital and requested interventions I do not think I would have had a hard time rationalizing it to myself later. It would have been helpful, and perhaps less traumatizing in the immediate aftermath. Of course, who knows.

Now, in retrospect, with much processing, I am ever so SO greatful to have had our birth at home the way we did--pain, fear and all. It has been both humbling and enormously empowering. I don't know if my upcoming birth could even hold a candle to the intensity of DS2's birth. I hope it is a mellow one comparitively, but if not, I know that to endure is worth it. And if intervention is warranted, then I hope to accept it with so much grace, and as another poster said, surrender.


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## CI Mama (Apr 8, 2010)

Thank you to everyone who has shared & everyone who has visited this thread! I have learned a lot by reading these stories. This sharing is helping me continue to think about my own birthing experience in new ways.

I like the comment about a birth experience being both humbling and empowering at the same time. There is such an embrace of contradictions that birth requires of us. We have to prepare for the birth we want and surrender to the birth we have.

I hope that people will keep posting & reading. There is much to be acknowledged and honored in these stories.


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## CI Mama (Apr 8, 2010)

There were a lot of humbling aspects to my DD's birth, and this is one I've been thinking about a lot, so I wanted to post again, even though this thread is "old."

I've been thinking about the moment about 24 hours into my labor. I had been awake at that point for about 36 hours. My labor began with water breaking and I had reached the point where I had wished and expected that the baby would have arrived by now. I had decided to get on the pitocin drip when my labor stalled for 8+ hours and I couldn't figure out how to get it started again naturally.

So, there I was on the pitocin drip. I had continued to move through many positions for laboring but was so exhausted that I was now settled into a rocking chair. The contractions were relentless, very strong and painful, coming very rapidly. I would feel each one begin, and I would begin to chant "I can do this" or sometimes "I'm helping my baby." I had figured out exactly how many times I had to chant the phrase to get through, feeling the contraction reach its peak and then crest and subside. My partner & my doula had a heating pad thing that they would press into my back, both of them using their full weight because my back labor was so painful. Over and over and over.

And I felt like I was handling it, even though the pain was really intense and I was exhausted. And then something happened, and I couldn't handle it anymore. All I could chant was "Help me, help me." The words came out of me involuntarily...it was like I was trying to say something else, but all I could say was "Help me, help me."

That's the humbling that I'm still trying to reckon with. I wanted help. I needed help. I reached a point where help was the only thing that I could ask for. I wanted to do the work, and I wasn't afraid of pain, but damn I needed HELP!!!

The help I wanted was some magic that would make my labor DO something. Because at that moment I knew that while I had spent a lot of time & energy in labor, I hadn't actually succeeding in moving my baby so much as an inch. I could just tell, this baby isn't moving.

Help me, help me.

What I had learned about natural birth had led me to believe that if I did it right, I wouldn't need help. Or rather, I might need help keeping the hospital from interfering with my birth, but something innate and unstoppable would kick in, and my body would do the work, all by itself, if I could just get out of the way.

So my humbling was the realization that I needed help, and that help wasn't coming, or at least not the help that I wanted. No one at my birth could help me move the baby through my body--including me. My body wasn't kicking in with that innate and unstoppable thing.

I got a narcotic. And then I got an epidural. And then I got a c-section. That wasn't the help that I wanted, but it was the help that I got.

I still feel very, very humbled by that.


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## MegBoz (Jul 8, 2008)

My humbling experience:
Women who exercise through the pregnancies are like 75% likely to give birth before their due date. My sister went early (actually late pre-term, 36W) & my mom, gma & MIL were all right around due-dates. I exercised a LOT during pregnancy so that combined with genetics, I figured there was NO WAY I'd make it to 41W, let alone even 40W.
Um, yeah, I made it to 41W4d & didn't even have an BH ctrx!!!!! I was starting to think my uterus didn't even work!
The worst part was that I kept working until 40W & was dumb enough to have told all my co-workers my exact due date. I didn't go back to work after I arrived on my due date. If one more person had said, "No baby yet?" or "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" I was going to lose my mind!!!!!!!!!!








Feeling betrayed by my body, terrified of induction, the comments were like pouring salt in my wound. I suspect it wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't _so convinced_ that I'd be earlier than average (so at least earlier than the 41W1D that is average for FTMs.)

Then there was BFing. I didn't have any close friend's who'd done it. My sister did, but supplemented & it had been 11 years ago at the time, so she barely remembered.

I took the class at my hospital (all 80 min of it!) and it seemed pretty simple & straightforward. I didn't even read much about it, just really stupidly assumed that class had me all set!! Well, I did make enough milk, DS drank enough milk & was more than adequately nourished, but I was ripped to shreds in the process. & in agonizing pain. Like, nipples on fire while being sliced up with razor blades pain like 24/7.

I kept going back to the LCs at my hospital again & again despite no help. & it wasn't until weeks & weeks down the road that I realized,







I don't think they were very helpful!


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## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

Having had 3 pitocin inductions with no pain med relief each time, I look back at my second birth, w/ my ds now 7 and remember my body writhing in pain that took my breath away. I never knew pain like that and hopefully never will again. The ob in attendance had maxed out the pit hours earlier and I'd endured over 11 hours of unending contraction and an overstimulated uterus.
I remember the tears in my dh eyes as I looked at him and said 'o my God, I'm dying', I truly thought I was dying. The hemmorage that followed the birth because of cord traction at the hands of an impatient ob, and the storm of panic between ds and my conditions at that point.... I remember literally feeling the life blood drain from me and spill to the floor. I thought 'really, this is how I leave?? after everything?'
I didn't die, but am forever changed. I was so beyond any realm of cognicent (sp?) from pain any thought of pain relief was moot. I was out. of. my mind.
I am so sorry to all who haev been there too.









Then with dd2 (3rd birth) I was refusing and refusing to even consider anything but a natural labor beginning... until the sleepless nights and dreams of knots and cords and dryness that consumed my 38th week, she had stopped moving with strength, I felt small, like I did at 6 months. I *knew* something was wrong. Walking into my 39 wk visit my m/w took 1 look at my face and knew too.
A nst, showed an uneventful 20 mins, the tech could find not a single pocket of fluid, only cord. MW walked me to l&D and we got started. There was no way I was leaving that hospital without my baby.
MW promised me a birth that wasn't torture, like ds;s







, she never left me. DH was amazing, the birth itself was healing after ds's.
DD was born healthy. But amazingly she had a cord so long my m/w couldn't believe it. My mw was touched by her birth and the circumstances. We unwrapped and unwrapped her. She had 2 true knots, 1 between her legs and 1 under her arm. Both had begun to turn white and were pulled tightly. Despite the IV fluids, there was very little amniotic fluid.
I am humbled by my instinct, the whole experience. And absolutely have fears and know truly~ I am not in control. With this upcoming birth of my 4th dc, my 2 ds. I am at the mercy of birth and my body. I just pray and pray and hope and pray some more.








Mamas , thank you for sharing. I know it is not easy to relive alot of this. To go back...


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