# What's the most stupid comment? Rant thread



## cornflower_3 (Jan 15, 2006)

*


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## cornflower_3 (Jan 15, 2006)

*


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

It would have to be my sister saying, a week after my son was stillborn, "You look so good for just being pregnant." I could have strangled her....

Mary


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## jukebox (Nov 26, 2005)

Hands down: "It's for the best, you should've had an abortion anyway."

Somehow, I got that one three times, from two different people.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I had several....

It's God's will.

Bad times are to help us appreciate the good times.

You are still young enough to have more.

He was probably messed up anyway.

I can't tell you how many times my hubbie had to help me find the nearest exit. What are these folks thinking when that kinda crap drops out of their mouths?


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## jake&zaxmom (May 12, 2004)

philomom said:


> He was probably messed up anyway.
> 
> 
> >


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm sure a lot of people have heard this one, "Well, you can have another one." GRRRRRR - it's not like a burned a piece of toast and can pop another one in and feed the burned one to the dog! Give me a break.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Okay, I have to put another one down even though it didn't happen to me. It happened to my SIL, but it made me furious, too. My niece died at 23 weeks gestation, and my SIL made the decision to deliver instead of have a D&C. Someone said to her, "Why on earth would you NOT have a D&C? I mean why go through all that labor and stuff for nothing?" (Okay, for those of you who have chosen D&C I respect your choice and my rant is not a judgment) NOTHING - How DARE they say it was for nothing. She got to see her baby, hold her, cuddle her and say goodbye. I could have really throttled that person.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Oh man...this could be awhile...

-It was God's will (Not MY God. My God doesn't kill babies....)

-At least you still have your first son (And my first son has a brother...it doesn't mean I should forget about his brother)

-Your first child still needs to be held and nursed all the time, it was probably best that you have more time to do that with just him (So, now it's my 2 year old's fault??)

-At least it happened now rather than in a few months (Really? Is there ever a good time for your child to die?)

-At least he's not suffering (how do you know he would have suffered in the first place?)

-You can always have another one (but I wanted THIS one...)

-Isn't it time to move on yet? (to you, it's been 4 months...to me, it's *only* been 4 months)

-Remember all of the good things you have (just because I have some good things doesn't mean I have to forget the bad...)

-What? You didn't get an autopsy?? You realize you'll *never* know what happened don't you? (no lady, I'm stupid. I thought maybe the answer would magically appear out of thin air next month)

-You had a stillborn? My mom had one of those (in a tone that made it sound like she was talking about a hemmeroid or something)

-God needed another angel (No, I'm Catholic...we don't believe people become angels)

-He's in a better place (No, the best place for *every* baby is in his mama's arms...)

Etc. etc. Some people are just dumb sometimes.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Why are people soooo stupid.

Dh's aunt said to me "It was god's will and it is not up to us to question why." WTF?!?!?!?!? I will ask whatever questions I want, and you know I am pagan. A few months later her daughter died in a car wreck. It took an amazing amount of will power (and dh not giving me her phone number) to keep me from calling her and telling her it was god's will.

"You can have another baby" That's nice, but I wanted this baby, she had a name and we loved and planned for her. The best part though, was when I finally did get pregnant again over a year after Arawyn died the same people said to me "Are you sure you should have gotten pregnant again?"







What do they want from me? First they tell me I can have another baby and then they get on me for getting pregnant again.

The one that has bothered me most recently though is "Now that Tharen is here you need to focus on him and stop going on about your loss." I think the stupididty here speaks for itself.


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## Boxerlove1 (Oct 11, 2005)

Anything having to do with "God's Will" or "Gods Plan" really burns my butter... my personal least favorite is "It wasn't your time..." - really? So it was my time UP UNTIL I was 7 months pregnant, and then OH WAIT!!! JUST KIDDING! WTF?!?!


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## Elowyn (Nov 3, 2003)

Mine was in a PM from here (my m/c were early, and I intentionally hadn't told very many people about the pregnancies, just for this reason):

"Try not to be so negative"

WTF! I'll try to be POSITIVE about my lost babies.


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

One of my friends after it had been 5 months asked me...."Why aren't you sending out Christmas cards? What's wrong with you this year?" SERIOUSLY?! WTF! Oh, and here's the kicker...she sent me a Christmas card with a baby on the front of it, dressed in a candy cane outfit!


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## leavemealone (Feb 16, 2005)

Hmm...I hadn't really told many people and I m/c fairly earily (about 9 weeks - baby was about 7weeks) so I didn't have to hear too many comments. However, my BIL found out and told his grandmother (who has a fat mouth) who told her husband - DHs grandfather (and probably everyone else she's ever me in her life - even those who have no idea what/who she is talking about). Christmas morning is over, presents have been opened, food has been consumer and then DHs grandfather says to me from across the room "I'm sorry to hear you lost your baby". Ummm...yeah....I'm glad that you feel sympathy for me, but thanks for announcing it to everyone!!!!! No one was supposed to know except those that I told (which was no one in DHs family). I couldn't get mad at an 80 year old man who was going for heart surgery, but I sure did get mad at my 30 year old BIL.


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## LotusBirthMama (Jun 25, 2005)

After the second m/c in 6 nmonths I was told "Geez! Either stop getting pregnant or stop telling anyone till the baby's born!"


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LotusBirthMama*
After the second m/c in 6 nmonths I was told "Geez! Either stop getting pregnant or stop telling anyone till the baby's born!"









:







Holy crap! I can't believe anyone has the crap-for-brains to actually form that sentence...what a cruel, heartless creature. I'm so sorry....


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

oh so so many stupid things.... countless stupid things.

I think the worst was being told that I was "not taking the right steps in my grief".... and how "angry" I was from someone who has no idea what it is like to lose a child and who also had not seen or spoken to me in several months so realistically had absolutly no idea how or what I was doing at the time.

Oh and then of course there are the freaky comments from people who dont know what to say but dont know how to shut their mouths...
I got asked the other day "How is your pool?". Umm it's January and we dont live in the bahamas.... we have not used our pool since last summer (this person was well aware of this fact).

oh and one more..... someone got on their really serious voice and said..."well, I can tell you one thing, you'll never forget"
DUH! why would I ever want to forget my son?


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## RivieraMom (Jun 14, 2005)

I am so sorry...sorry that we all have to be subjected to such stupidity and ignorance about grief and loss. I am new at this but here's just *one* comment from a good (but emotionally stunted) friend last night.

Him: So how are you feeling?
Me: Well, physically I am pretty ok but I am struggling with the psychological part of this.
Him: Yes. Well, things happen.
Me (sadly): Yes, and often they don't happen they way we hoped and planned.
Him: Yes, but that's what makes life exciting. Otherwise it would be really boring.









WTF? I'd take a really boring life with a healthy pg and baby any day over this sadness/pain/emptiness. If only they knew.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

After having a miscarriage in January, then INTENTIONALLY getting pregnant in Februaruy, then delivering a stillborn in September, I go in two days before Jase was delivered, and the doctor that had delivered Trevor was there and asked me "Well, do you want to get your tubes tied while we're at it?
Hello, I tried for this baby, that must mean that I wanted it, doesn't it? And I'm only 25 so why don't you get out of here???


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

wow people sure can be stupid...

I got many with my 3 losses but the one that really sticks out was about a month after I delivered my 26 week son someone asked me "Are you over that thing you had? you know that thing" and I had to ask if they ment the death of my son after being pregnant for 6 months and yep that was the "thing" sigh...

tara


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

two... (i guess i have been lucky)

one, from the l&d nurse, an hour after we had found that our baby had no heartbeat, she stood at me feet, while i was in labor and in shock, and said 'you can have another'. while my daughter was still inside me.







for some reason, her comment is one of the only things that really stands out, and that is really what bothers me. i have to have forgiveness for her. she was in tears, and she didn't know what to say, i'm sure. but i truely feel that since death is a part of life, l&d nurses should be given a primer on what to say and not say to a woman who has just found out her baby has died.

two, from a friend who i thought was more of a friend, i guess, because a few months after our daughter was born and died, he asked how we were doing, and i said, because he was my friend, that we were having a hard time. why? he asks, and i tell himwell, because of coral (our daughter). he says 'who?'. that one word confirmed my fear at the time that my daughter would not be recongnized or remembered. when i said 'our daughter.' he got a little defensive in his tone and just said 'oh.'.

and one from my partner's perspective. someone at his work asked him if 'the baby' had died before or after it was born. could be a reasonable question, but it wasn't, the implication was that if 'the baby' had been born alive, we would have more reason to be upset, 'the baby' would have been more 'real'. my partner found himself having to defend his grief. not that this matters to us, he said to his coworker 'well, she died only 12 hours before she was born.' and the guy said 'but, still, before it was born'. WTF?!!

and, of course, the things that aren't said at all. nothing, no recognition, just the pretense that nothing ever happened. this may have been the worst. i was hugely pregnant, friends and strangers had taken guesses about the weight and date the baby would be born, and then, nothing. mostly, people were great, but it only take one to kick you when your down...


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## tiffers80 (Jan 13, 2006)

Man, there are some unbelievable comments. Here's mine: It would have probably been retarted or missing an arm. WTF!!!!!!


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jukebox*
Hands down: "It's for the best, you should've had an abortion anyway."

I got the SAME one.
"You could have avoided all this pain if only you'd had an abortion"

Other comments:
"Told you so."
"I'm SO glad my baby is okay."


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## Summerland (Aug 9, 2005)

ugh people piss me off!!

mine are typical

"everything happens for a reason"
"it was god's will"

Then everyone decided to phone me and let me know "so and so is pregnant" or "guess who had their baby" stuff like that, like i want to know the day i had a d&c. Cant people think!

Then at work when i went back a few weeks later only one person said anything about it, everyone else just acted wierd around me for while.
Finally like 2 months later, one guy at work, was like "why arent you getting big?" me, "no the baby died", "what did you have an abortion"

THen anytime i complain about anything, like trying to get my 3 year old ready when im going out and he doesnt want too, my sister will say something like "good thing you dont have 2, you couldent handle it"

sorry about ranting on and on


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

My first pregnancy was also my first m/c. I wasnt married ( at the time) to the baby's dad we lived together and later married and had 2 boys.
I was 15wks when I had the m/c I later found out the baby had only made it till about 9 weeks. My xmil was not supportive she said that we should have waited until we were married and thats why God took the baby away. WTF??

Oh and a comment from my cousin -- well there was probably something really wrong like birth defects thats why it died and thats better than having a retarded kid.

AGAIN WTF how would she KNOW if my baby had problems???

I heard from a couple people that you shouldnt tell until you are "sure" the baby will live ... does keeping it a secret make the pain of loosing a child any easier .. I dont think so m/c's should be a dark dirty secret its real and it hurts on so many levels


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

The last one about not telling until you know that the baby will live really pisses me off...

When do you really "know" that the baby will live??? And even after the baby is born, do you really know if the baby will continue to live???


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mimi_n_tre*
The last one about not telling until you know that the baby will live really pisses me off...

When do you really "know" that the baby will live??? And even after the baby is born, do you really know if the baby will continue to live???









:
Exactly! My full term baby lived for 3 days. So, do I wait till 4 days after my next one is born to tell people that I'm having a baby? I think people would figure it out a lot sooner than that! I know the comment was directed more toward m/c - but still, you never know what will happen and when.


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## MotherWhimsey (Mar 21, 2005)

too hard to remember.


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## Mearaina (May 3, 2005)

From my dad, about 2 weeks after the m/c. My mom asked what was wrong, and I said I'm still sad about the baby. My mom yells at me for "dwelling on it", my dad looks up and says, "why are you upset? It's not like you lost anything." What, because the baby was too small to hold and cuddle I didn't lose anything? Sometimes I just don't understand what makes people say these things. At least those of us who have been there know what NOT to say to other people in this situation. That is one lesson I took from my experience, if one of my daughters or DIL's (if I ever have a son, that is) loses a baby, I will defineately not say these things to them.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

A conversation with my mother, about why I was "still upset" about 2 weeks after m/c (at 14 wks).

Me: Mom, I've read that some women still get upset *years* after the m/c. I think it is ok that I am still grieving.
Mom: Well, those women were probably pg longer.

Apparently, my mom gets to decide how long grieving a m/c is appropriate, based on the length of the pregnancy







:


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

As amazing as this sounds considering the numerous stupid things stated already in this thread...I just might have the worst one of them all...

My first son was stillborn. Since I refused to have a shower for my second son, I decided to have a "welcome party" instead when he was 8 weeks old. One of the guests (please note many people were not even invited) of this party looked at me and said...

"SO HOW DOES IT FEEL TO PROVE YOU ARE A WOMAN NOW?"

I gave no response and was in complete and utter shock. My husband pushed him out of the room and we discussed later that we might have mis-heard what he said. BUT NOPE...because two weeks later, apparently not getting a response was not sufficent for him as he asked me again...

"SO HOW DOES IT FEEL TO PROVE YOU'RE A WOMEN NOW?"

I have never regretted seeing someone's children with them as much as I did that day for I had so many unpleasent things to say to this person!


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## BethanyB (Nov 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mearaina*
From my dad, about 2 weeks after the m/c. My mom asked what was wrong, and I said I'm still sad about the baby. My mom yells at me for "dwelling on it", my dad looks up and says, "why are you upset? It's not like you lost anything." What, because the baby was too small to hold and cuddle I didn't lose anything? Sometimes I just don't understand what makes people say these things. At least those of us who have been there know what NOT to say to other people in this situation. That is one lesson I took from my experience, if one of my daughters or DIL's (if I ever have a son, that is) loses a baby, I will defineately not say these things to them.









: I guess dads can say some f'd up sh*t! When I called my dad to tell him that our unborn son had been diagnosed with a chromosomal abnormality, and that the chance of recurrence next time would be lessthan 1%, he said "Oh, that's too high! You aren't going to try again, are you?"


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## mommy9606 (Dec 27, 2005)

I just miscarried for the second time, and I was told that next time I get pregnant I need to eat meat so that this won't happen again (since I'm a vegetarian...but get PLENTY of protein from other sources!)


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wilkers8*
"SO HOW DOES IT FEEL TO PROVE YOU ARE A WOMAN NOW?"

What an


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## dylan27 (Sep 3, 2005)

K, I guess we all have the resident idiot at work. When I went back to work, I knew to expect some sort of insipid comment from this woman, so I had braced myself when she came up to me (otherwise I would have started screaming!!)...

Anyway, so the first time I see her I get "WoW! You look great considering what just happened." (personally, I would have to disagree-- I did not look or feel great!) This was followed by "When are you going to have another one?" This is two weeks after my son died!! My god have some respect!

So I have managed to avoid her, but we passed in the hall a week ago and she asked how I was doing, I told her that the kids were doing good (I'm a teacher.) So then she says, "Well, you should have them write an essay about how they are glad to be alive." I was speechless... I think I should be commended for the fact that this woman is still alive.


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## dylan27 (Sep 3, 2005)

"You know, it is very difficult for a relationship to survive losing a child."

Great so I'm grieving over my child and since I didn't have enough to stress out about, now I have to worry that my dp is going to leave me. WONDERFUL. Thank you for making me feel better.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I had a friend of mine complain about having to handle her baby's presentation at church because it was such a pain. She also tends to tell me all about however had babies etc... etc... QUIT TALKING TO ME ABOUT BABIES, BREAST FEEDING OR NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP BECAUSE YOUR SON CRIES AT NIGHT!!!!!!!! To make matters worse we were pregnant at the same time and were planning to have the babies presented together along with a thrid friend that was also pregnant and who thankfully was more respectful and wanted me to know that I was invited but that she didnt expect me to come. I do forgive my friend though because I know she does not mean anything and she has helped us a lot.

Then the rest of the insults and pain come straight from my mother in law.
I will just bite my tongue on that because if I get going I might just have a heart attack. Lets put it this way... unlike my friend I dont forgive my mother in law. Instead of supporting us he went all over town tellign everybody how I am depressed and have been for two years and I should be taking medication. Yeah I should be taking medication anytime I am around her to numb it all up! She has been so hurtful to me in so many ways and so disrespectful to our grief that I cannot see her. I havent seen her since my son died but once and I dont have any desire to see her again ever.

I also got the "everybody goes through hard times". WTH? NOT YOU- YOUR CHILDREN ARE ALIVE!!! Both my parents and my baby are dead but the fact that you have a hard time keeping your household running does not compare to my grief - sorry!


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

dylan 27, i heard that quite a bit... it didn't phase me because i felt like the experience of mutual loss made our relationship stronger, but i sensed that there was an expectation of failure. also, it wasn't said to me, but i remember reading that a woman lost her child and she got cancer due to (what she felt) her great grief. so there were times i would lie in bed and think 'my baby just died, my relationship could fall apart, and i could give myself a terminal disease from this grieving...'. my whole world felt vulnerable, where as a few weeks before my world was expanding in a great sphere of love and hope. this was when i really needed the help of a grief therapist, who helped me to separate what was fact and reality from fear and fiction.

barcino, i couldn't read your post and not respond. i am really sad to know your mil is not only unsupportive, but seems to be hurting you more than you already are hurt. she doesn't see that you are strong, even in the midst of the worst pain. i think it is good to keep someone destructive like she is out of your life, for as long as that terrible behavior continues.

reading all of these unbelievable examples of what actually gets said, it makes me wonder what is so wrong with our society?! who ARE these people? i am glad there is a corresponding thread about the good things that have been done and said, because these things here make me sick!! while i think that it has been hard for me to access the anger in my own situation, if i ever witnessed these words being said to one of you women, i would really get in their face!!














:


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## pfamilygal (Feb 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ben's Mommy*
One of my friends after it had been 5 months asked me...."Why aren't you sending out Christmas cards? What's wrong with you this year?" SERIOUSLY?! WTF! Oh, and here's the kicker...she sent me a Christmas card with a baby on the front of it, dressed in a candy cane outfit!









Dh and I have huge families, so when we lost Ariel right before Christmas (after being visibly pg at Thanksgiving) I called one of his sisters and asked her to let everyone know so I wouldn't have to call everybody.

The week after Christmas we get a call from one of his brothers. "So, do you guys not like this new baby? Why didn't you mention the baby in your letter?" Ugh. Apparently he had not been informed.

I got lots of:

oh, it was God's will
well, at least you have other children
God needed more flowers in His garden
etc.

The worst was from the sonogram tech: "oh, doesn't look like this pregnancy's going to stick" - what the heck? We're talking about a human child, not a fly ball.

I just hug people and tell them I'm sorry. What else can you say really?


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## mom2angelbabies (Jan 17, 2006)

Well, almost everything I heard was hurtful, as no one of my friends or family (aside from my MIL) have experienced a loss, and people thought I was too young anyway (19 y/o at the time of first loss, but had already been married a year). We heard a lot of "It's for the better- you're so young anyway," and "I bet you're relieved."







What kind of comment is that??

So what I heard the first time around led me to tell NO ONE about our second pregnancy (nor did anyone know we were ever TRYING to conceive during those 16 months), and I lost that 2nd baby too.







But it just amazes me at how senseless people can be.


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

Quote:

reading all of these unbelievable examples of what actually gets said, it makes me wonder what is so wrong with our society?! who ARE these people?
I totally agree and find myself asking the same questions over and over again. It really is sad.


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## mommaduck (Sep 13, 2005)

DH's grandmother on the phone while I was in labour to deliver my 6th child, a stillborn (he was already dead due to a cord accident, so we had to induce), "Well, God knows how many you can afford..." I told the nurses I didn't want any more calls from her while I was there.


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## Naughty Dingo (May 23, 2004)

Well, I have had nothing even close to some of the whoppers that have been told here in this thread. I am so sorry Mamas, for the things that people have told you.

A friend told me yesterday that she thinks I lost mine because I was stressed and my body couldn't sustain the pregnancies. She has her heart in the right place but man, not the greatest thing to say you know? My body wanted these babies as much as my heart did, it wasn't my fault......









ND


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## leavemealone (Feb 16, 2005)

I know I posted earlier about a comment from DH's grandfather, but I remember something that DH said to me the day of my m/c that was worse (at least to me). I called him and told him what happened and asked him what time he would be home that night. He said "I'm working late tonight...you'll need to pick DD up from school today". He didn't get home from work until about 8pm. I was fuming and he asked me why I was upset at him. Umm...can you not figure that out on your own?


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

The worst thing my family said to me was my dad saying "well its best we don't talk about this" I corrected him instantly and told him it might be best HE didn't talk about it, but it was best for me to talk about it.

The worst thing anyone else said was totally unintentional, a woman I hadn't seen at work for a while who never knew I was pregnant complimented me on losing weight and asked how I had done it the second day I was back at work.

E.


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## sallytomato24 (Dec 21, 2005)

"I think it's really better for you this way."
"Maybe it's good--I didn't understand how you were going to do your work with a baby!"
"Maybe it was God's will."
"At least if you decide to get pregnant again, you can choose a better father."
"Please, please promise me that you'll get on birth control and wait until you finish your PhD to get pregnant again."
"I'm mad at you because _________"
"It's probably not as sad for you since you were originally ambivalent about the pregnancy."


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

The worst...my MIL, during my 3rd miscarriage dh had called her while I was having the d&c. She started in with him about God's will crap. He told her it's great she believes in that stuff, but that it is not comforting to us....so 2 days after my d&c, she made a special call to me, to let me know..get this..."You need to realize this is God's way of telling you that unmarried people should not have children"
My response cannot be printed here.
After my first miscarriage, which was an unplanned pregnancy while on the pill, my assisstant said to me "God's birth control" I'd have wrung her neck if I hadn't needed her to keep my business running at the moment.

On the other side though, after 3 miscarriages, while I was in hospital just before dd was born-I was in a panic, I thought something was wrong, but 2 U/S and countless NST's said everything was ok, my bp was high, but being controlled. I had been bawling while my wonderful doc was there. The nurse who had been in the room at the time came back an hour later and just sat with me. She told me that she didn't know how I felt as she'd never lost a child, but that she could understand my stress and told me to stop feeling guilty or silly about it. She then brought the NST machine into my room and said "I'm leaving this in here, and I'm going to show you how to hook yourself up-so whenever you get worried, you just check" I told her I felt stupid doing that and she said "Don't you ever let anyone tell you being worried about your baby is stupid"


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## nikisager (Oct 25, 2005)

When Jacob died everyone kept telling me it was gonna be ok because he was in a better place now. I got so tired of hearing it, a better place was right where he spent his first 4 months of life, in my arms. I know that noone meant to upset me, but it made me feel like they where saying that god didnt think I deserved him, and I kept thinking about all the babies and children who have terrible lives, and why was he in a better place? What was wrong with me that it was a worse place??? It still bothers me and he has been gone a little over 2 years, January 10th actually was 2 years, my mother said something that I may never forgive her for, but have never said anything about it to her. When we were waiting on the autopsy report, she said she will be glad when it comes back so she knows " you didnt hurt that baby" I know she meant that I hadnt rolled on him or not heard him choke or something, but the timing was terrble and she said it wrong. For those of you who do not know, Jacob died of "sids", so they say. Anyhow, is my 2 cents, I do not understand the "better place" phrase to console, please if you ever have to be the one consoling, do not use that phrase, it really makes a mommy feel like she is being told she has done something wrong and she wasnt good enuff for her little one...


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## Tummy (Feb 24, 2005)

I have not read through this enitre thread, but just wanted to add what was said to me...

"Well, its not like you dont have 5 kids already. You really dont need to have 6."


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## nikisager (Oct 25, 2005)

[

-

-

-

-At least it happened now rather than in a few months (Really? Is there ever a good time for your child to die?)

I just wanted to reply to that console phrase, I honestly have to say that it has come up in conversations here and there since Jacob has been gone, and I cannot imagine have coming home with no baby for any amount of time... I know I cannot compare the two, as I have lost one son, and I did get the blessed chance to love, kiss and hug him for 4 months, I cherish that time I had and am happy for it, because I know there are some mommys who do not get any time, they never bring baby home, and I cannot help but wonder if that wouldnt be harder in a way? I cant imagine coming home from hosiptal empty, anyhow, my 2 cents. I feel terrible for you mommies who have never gotten the chance to know your little ones. Losing Jacob was the hardest thing for me but as I said before, I was blessed with 4 months. My heart goes out to you who did not have that with your little ones...

-

-\

-

-

-


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

A friend, who was pregnant at the same time I was, told me that she understood what I was going through. No, she'd never lost a child, but the one she was carrying was a boy, and she'd hoped for a girl. So, she was "mourning the loss of the daughter [she'd] always wanted."

I never, ever responded to that statement. All I could think of was, "YOUR BABY IS STILL ALIVE!" Which, I probably should have said, but I was just so stunned.

How, in the world, she thought that being unhappy with her child's gender compared with loosing a baby, I'll never understand.


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## LadyInfidel (Jan 23, 2006)

Ugh! These comments bring back a flood of memories.

My least favorite but common and probably well meaning comment was, ""It's God's plan."

The others I got were:

"It's best that he's gone. What if he lived and was brain damaged?"
"You are too young. You can try this again when you're older" ( I was 21, not 13!)
"You should take this as a sign."
"It's better for you to finish school and it'll be easier without a baby."

And the all time worst comment I ever heard was from my obnoxious Aunt, whom I couldn't speak to for years afterwards! "Be thankful we didn't throw you a shower yet. At least this way you don't have to go return all that stuff. Two more weeks and you'd have been stuck with all kinds of blue ..."


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## LadyInfidel (Jan 23, 2006)

I can't believe I forgot this one, "Better now than at 9 months."

Right. Because losing your baby at 7 months is a world of differnce from losing one at 9 months.


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## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

My God Mama's I am so sorry for all the horrendous, painful things other human beings have said to you all.

my besftfriends mother said to me on Christmas Eve (when we dropped of gifts, I actually passed the sac on Christmas day)

"well, you know Emily, its a good thing that baby didn't make it- its life would have been hell on earth" said with such vile attitude. WTF!!!!!























followed by "its God's will" and "it wasn't meant to be"
what the f*ck does that mean 'it wasn't meant to be" ???? !!
I mean why "was it meant to be ' for the short 8 weeks I carried that soul within me? but not for longer? punishment? a cruel joke? oooh, heres a baby, and all the hoppes you have for him for the future but... psyche!!








this is the way it was portrayed by her voice, her attitude, and others








But then there are people who say little, or are just a comfort to hug, one woman I hardly know said "i'm so sorry. I lost my third Baby and miss her still" and then hugged me. that was it.

(((hugs))) Mamas.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

All I can say to this is WHAT A BIT**!!!! OH MY GOSH IF SOMEONE TELLS ME THIS I WILL RIP THEIR EYES OUT









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joan*
A friend, who was pregnant at the same time I was, told me that she understood what I was going through. No, she'd never lost a child, but the one she was carrying was a boy, and she'd hoped for a girl. So, she was "mourning the loss of the daughter [she'd] always wanted."

I never, ever responded to that statement. All I could think of was, "YOUR BABY IS STILL ALIVE!" Which, I probably should have said, but I was just so stunned.

How, in the world, she thought that being unhappy with her child's gender compared with loosing a baby, I'll never understand.


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## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

I feel like horrible dog shit.
When a friend of mine (who was already very mentally unstable) lost her baby at 6 weeks pregnant...I said I'm sorry and that maybe it was for the best ): Thats not even the worst of it. 9 months later when I found out I was pregnant, (her husband was schizophrenic with a $20 a day MJ habit, and she was a little slower as well as about 200 pounds over weight) I was getting kind of tired of her always having affairs on her hubby instead of trying to do what I thought she should to get pregnant. She was trying to get pregnant by any man and all & I got really judegemental.
I tried helping with herbal info, fertility docs etc. but all I saw at the time was her 'whining' and not trying to do anything with her fertility.
So one night I said "Its probably for the best cause the baby probably would have been so deformed because of your dh's genetics"

Ouch... I dont even remember if I said it more eloquently than not or what, but...Very wrong of me. I've apologized many times, but I dont think I'll ever forgive myself, and I expect her to never forgive me. (I ended the friendship when she became obsessed with me - calling 8-10 times a day and joking she'd give me a c-section with a car key so she could have my baby-very mentally unstable)

But with a friend like me...Maybe I deserved it all.

I'm sorry mama's. Thanks for letting me air my guilt.


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## seren (Jul 11, 2003)

I miscarried in mid July. My 7 month pregnant sister said to me *At least you won't have to be pregnant in the really hot part of summer*I so wanted to knock her head off.


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## iloverules (Feb 20, 2006)

a friend said: "Well, I didn't think you all wanted children...when did this start?"

First off, I never said that. I don't know where she got that idea. Now, I've been avoiding this friend ever since the miscarriage, which was about 7 months ago.

DH said: "it was probably not even human". ugh. I didn't get mad, though, although I did start crying when he said that. I know he was just trying to help.


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

The worst was when I was having a miscaridge at 7 weeks and my father in law said "just ask my wife about it she flushed 5 of them down the toilet" Then a week later"They have a job opening at the hospital, putting wheels back on miscaridges" Ya that was funny







: Then everyone else, oh it happens for a reason it was probebly retarded or something. A-holes. Thank for the support


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

The absolute worst was when I recently overheard my mom talking on the phone saying that she wasn't a grandmother yet. So if she's not a grandmother yet, than does that mean I'm not a mother yet?


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

Oh yeah. I totally forgot my best one....

A friend at work, an 18 year old boy who I really like and get along great with had asked me a few weeks before Jase had died "Would you be happy if your baby died?" I asked him what kind of question that was, and he said that "Well, some people don't want to be pregnant and are glad when 'something' goes wrong" I told him " If I didn't want to be pregnant and have a baby, I wouldn't have tried for it..."

Nonetheless, Jase died and I delivered. The boy really didn't mean it, just wondered, but I guess while I was on my two week leave he had told a co-worker,"Man, I hope Mary don't remember that question I asked her." Well, I did, and a few days after I was back, I told him that he was the one who had jinxed me, and he said " I was hoping you wouldn't have remembered that, I am so sorry, believe me, I feel like killing myself." So of course I had to tell him all about my labor and my baby, and how I would bring pictures in, You know, the whole ordeal just to make him feel even more like sh*t.


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## ChichosMama (Aug 20, 2004)

"It would have been tragic if you had been trying for 8 years and lost it. Youre still young and can have more." _right bc one baby means more than another. wtf._

This one was from my mom whom I love dearly and dont hold what she said against her, but it was just not a wise thing to say: " are you coming to my party sunday?" I dunno, depends on how I feel, Im still very sad "You need to plant you flowers, then you can move on." _uhhhhh "move on" it was still a child to me, I lost my baby. moving on in a less than a week thanks to a plant? Come on._

On the flipside I thnk the best comment I got from someone who didnt know what to say was: "Are you physically okay." Some people may take that differently, but to me it was a I need to know youre not gonna die from this bc i care/love you. And he really had no idea how any of it worked. It really made me feel good.


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## cornflower_3 (Jan 15, 2006)




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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

I just had my second m/c. An ER doc said to me yesterday, "Oh, well, you have three OTHER children at home."

I soooo wanted to punch the man.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

After my 2nd m/c my doc said at least you get pg real quick.







and you are still young







: (30)


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## mom2mimi (May 26, 2004)

Let's see, so far I have heard "at least you weren't that far along" (I was 13 weeks) from a so called friend, lots of "it was probably for the best because something was wrong and it would have been retarded/deformed" from friends, aquaintances and some family, oh and my personal favorite was from my daughter's class mom who said the same thing almost happened to her but "thank god it didn't."


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## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

these are such horrid things said Mamas- I am so sorry









one woman said to me (before I actually miscarried but I knew it was going to happen) 'oh you're only 8 or 9 weeks right- that shouldn't hurt too bad'


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Big hugs to all of you









When I went to the ER I was examined by the dr who found that the fetal tissue was trapped behind my cervix (or something like that... I was very out of it at the time), and so he used a hook-like instrument to pull it out. After the procedure was finished he asked me: "so, are you happy now?" WTF?!?!?


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## Nickarolaberry (Dec 24, 2001)

This thread confirms my belief that some people truly do have empty space between their ears.







.

The one that takes the cake for me:

At the ultrasound where I found out I had lost one of the twins I was carrying at 14 weeks (this was my third pregnancy -- second one for trying for a 2nd child and after 2 IVF tries), the technician said to me,

"Well, you probably only wanted one anyway."








:









I made her feel badly though. I was sobbing so hard that the doctor came running in and when I told him what she had said, I could hear him totally bawling her out in the hall -- she nearly lost her job.


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## BethanyB (Nov 12, 2005)

I posted earlier on this thread. Unfortunately, people have said more stupid sh*t to me, so here I am again! I had a m/c four months after my full term loss. We hardly told anyone, but obviously my employer knew. He doesn't have kids, like kids, etc. so he is pretty clueless. My doc had advised us to wait three months and I got pg in nine weeks (whoops







). But then I m/c'd. Anyway, my idiot employer actually took me in back and "counseled" me and actually asked me "what the f*ck we were thinking getting pg again so soon". I was so upset I was stunned and didn't say anything. I am still furious whenever I think about it because he was basically blaming me for my own m/c. THANKS ALOT!!!


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## UrbanEarthMom (Jul 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BethanyB*
I posted earlier on this thread. Unfortunately, people have said more stupid sh*t to me, so here I am again! I had a m/c four months after my full term loss. We hardly told anyone, but obviously my employer knew. He doesn't have kids, like kids, etc. so he is pretty clueless. My doc had advised us to wait three months and I got pg in nine weeks (whoops







). But then I m/c'd. Anyway, my idiot employer actually took me in back and "counseled" me and actually asked me "what the f*ck we were thinking getting pg again so soon". I was so upset I was stunned and didn't say anything. I am still furious whenever I think about it because he was basically blaming me for my own m/c. THANKS ALOT!!!





































That is really outrageous!! I'm so sorry that you had to hear that horrendous comment.


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## supernatural (Jul 26, 2005)

Not sure if this was something that was said or something that was done, but completely insensitive and outrageous just the same.

We lost our son @ 23wks from placental abruption, after a week of labor and mag sulphate in the hospital. We had to have several lengthy discussions with the neonatologists about chances of survival and chose not to put our son on life support. My mother and a cousin were the only visitors to DH and I the whole week in the hospital, even though almost all our families live within 15 miles. The funeral was early in the morning and my BIL and his family didn't show up. We assumed it was because the funeral wasn't important enough for them to get out of bed, so my DH called them in the afternoon to bawl them out. My SIL said they couldn't come, because they were too mad about the whole thing... which I assumed meant they were mad we'd lost a baby, or that such a horrible thing could happen, or something, and I told SIL we understood and thanked her for caring so much about us.

5 years later during casual discussion with SIL, she brought up our son and how mad the whole thing made her and BIL. After the first few sentences, it was clear they were mad because we didn't opt for life support, and said, "I just don't know why you'd just give up. How could you give up on your own child? What kind of parents do that?" WHOA! So you judge me for the single hardest choice I ever had to make in my life and refused to honor my son, or support us in our loss, by attending his funeral because of it? Like I don't have enough guilt? That was 2 Christmases ago, and I haven't spoken to that horrible #$%*# since.


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## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

Wow...That's pretty damn insensitive.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Haven't read all the posts yet but I am







for the women who have not only suffered a loss but then had to deal with stupidity.

Re: the "God's plan" statements... I am a Christian, & last year I took care of a friend's kids while she went to the dr. after suffering a miscarriage. Her dd, 4, was asking me questions about the baby, & I did not tell her the baby is in heaven. I told her what I felt her mom would tell her if she was there, & I held her while she cried. What else can you do?? Proselytize to a four year old??

People are so insensitive- especially the ones who say you should be OVER it by now. I can't imagine EVER getting over the loss of a child, whether the child is 1 month in utero or 65 years old.








s to you all!


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## isaiahsmommy05 (Jul 1, 2005)

My MIL had the flu when Isaiah was born and couldn't come to the hospital so she never got to see or hold him before his funeral, so she says some pretty crazy things. I think it's because she never saw him like my FIL did.

The worst things i've heard have come from her. Here are just a couple. I've blocked some of them out.
1) He didn't have a soul (WTF??)
2) He doesn't have a birthday

Also the "It wasn't meant to be" comment really grates on me. Someone said that to me in the hospital WHILE I WAS HOLDING HIM. My doctor heard them and said he wanted to punch her for me lol.
I simply told her that if he wasn't meant to be then I would have never gotten pregnant with him in the first place.


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## Lizzardbits (Jan 21, 2006)

Hugs to all of you Mommas and your DPs

I have to admit that I was the IDIOT and said somethings that were hurtful and horrible to 2 of my bestfriends. I was 17 at the time and one friend had just had a tubal pg. She was still physically hunched over from the pain, when I told her that now we could go drinking again. The other friend had just returned back to high school after being out for 1/2 the year while she was pg. She was telling a group of us how terrible the m/c was and her mom helped her through it. Tears were (rightfully) being shed and I had the audacity to ask "What did it look like?" She turned and looked at me like I had grown a penis on my head (which should have happened, because that was what I was) and said "A Baby"

It wasn't until I was pg with my own kids that it fully hit me how insensitive I had been. I was able to ask the second friend forgiveness, and she recalled it right away, she was kind enough to say that she didn't think about it. But I know that I still did, and she did too. She forgave.

I watch carefully now what I say. The last 2 times from other friends I said this, "I am sorry, and if you want to cry, talk, or yell, feel free to call me. I am your friend and I love you."


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## valmc (Apr 30, 2006)

So here is an exact quote what my friend wrote to me in an email yesterday after I told her I believe I miscarried. I have to wait until Friday to tell but I feel as if I did.

Babe if you did and I pray your okay! but if you did its a blessing... you really were not looking forward to having one this soon!!

First off I said I wanted to wait for two years after I get out of school but it was a blessing to me that it happened and I was extatic. How can someone say that. I told her how could she say that and she said she didn't mean it badly, well it sure didn't sound good to me!


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## makawee (Jan 23, 2005)

'shit happens' really honestly someone said this to me. i really believe this person has NO empathy in his heart. note to self: stay away from people with no empathy.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

to all of you. As though losing your baby wasn't bad enough.

(I'm somewhat reassured though, judging by this thread my responses to women who have had miscarriages have been entirely appropriate--namely because I didn't say anything that could have been phrased using the terms "at least" or "anyway.")


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

After my first ds died, my sister asked me why I *wasted* his name. Excuse me! Like I knew my son was going to die. Keith was named after our favorite uncle. But, it wasn't even like she could have used the name. She has a dd and does not want any more kids.

After my 2nd m/c, my friend's daughter said, "Isn't it funny how you keep losing babies you want and I keep having babies I don't?" I said, "Oh yeah, that's f***ing hilarious". At least it shut her up and hopefully shocked some sense into her.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MelKnee*
After my first ds died, my sister asked me why I *wasted* his name. Excuse me! Like I knew my son was going to die. Keith was named after our favorite uncle. But, it wasn't even like she could have used the name. She has a dd and does not want any more kids.

After my 2nd m/c, my friend's daughter said, "Isn't it funny how you keep losing babies you want and I keep having babies I don't?" I said, "Oh yeah, that's f***ing hilarious". At least it shut her up and hopefully shocked some sense into her.









Sometimes people need muzzles.


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## MelissaFrances (Jan 12, 2006)

I know that people can be heartless and stupid, but some of these comments are truly well-meaning. People really do feel compelled to say SOMETHING. What is the right thing to say exactly? What is right for one is not right for another. Many of the comments shared on this thread (that mothers experienced from family and friends)are truly savage, however.

I am deeply sorry for all your losses. I have never been through it personally, but have multiple family members who have suffered inconsolably w the grief from lost pregnancies.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MelissaFrances*
What is the right thing to say exactly? What is right for one is not right for another.

I think the "safest" thing to say is, "I'm so sorry for your loss. If you need to talk or cry or whatever, I am here for you."


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## Nkenga (Dec 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mimi_n_tre*
It would have to be my sister saying, a week after my son was stillborn, "You look so good for just being pregnant." I could have strangled her....

I got something similar from one of my (male) co-workers when I returned to work after my son was born still - "You should get pregnant more often - you look really good!" WTF!!!!!


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## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

Yesterday a "friend" told me I should be relieved and happy because obviously something was very wrong and even though *I* think I could handle it, God knows I couldn't. 'You couldn't handle it ya know.'
I myself know it was nature and my body but don't talk to me about how I 'should be feeling!!.
I guess it was the insinuation that I think I'm strong but I'm not that got me. I dunno. I suppose on some level it was supposed to 'cheer me' or whatever.
Yeah, whatever.


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