# Dealing with the next time around after a miscarriage



## isaberg (Oct 2, 2002)

I had an ectopic pregnancy or miscarriage a few months back - I was given Methotrexate for the ectopic, but tests afterwards made it look as if it hadn't been ectopic after all. It was tough, but in all the medical excitement I was fairly well distracted from the fact that I had lost a baby (my first, very much wanted).

Now, I'm pregnant again. I feel like I should be excited, but it's nothing like last time - then, I could almost sense the child (heck, my _husband_ could sense it, he knew the gender and everything  ) but this time, neither of us can really sense it, not that it's that far along. Last time, I jumped into research and started an excellent diet and had a horrible time keeping the secret. We made plans, and started figuring out exactly where we were going to _put_ the little critter (not a small undertaking). I couldn't shut up about it. Every thought was baby-based.

This time, I can't really get into the excitement, feel no connection, have no interest in a good diet, and even husband of the psychic baby-vibes can't tell me anything about the baby and doesn't seem to want to. I suspect it's because we don't really want to hope - what if I lose it again? But it feels so empty, somehow. But I worry: what if I get to the second trimester and still don't feel anything, no exitement, no connection?

Does anybody have advice? Should I just go with the flow, and trust that I will let myself get excited should it get that far? I know I'm not the first person this has ever happened to...


----------



## LiamnEmma (Nov 20, 2001)

Ah, I remember that. I had lost my innocence and naivete, never to have it return again I thought. I had two miscarriages before the birth of my ds, and by the time I was pregnant with him, I had very little association with it until I was about 16 weeks along. I had the anatomical u/s done then, and I'd told myself that if everything was fine, I'd stop worrying. And I did. Then it was so wonderful. With all my pregnancies, I found fatigue to be the most reliable symptom for me. I allowed that to get me through those tough early days with my ds and dd. With my two miscarriages, the fatigue left me right about the time the babies died. Now, with dd, I had the fatigue, but wasn't being followed by a specialist, so I was essentially putting my faith in the universe. But DH and I had really tried having her mostly to get the "next miscarriage" out of the way, figuring it might take us a few tries to get another one to "stick", so-to-speak, and it wasn't until I was about six months pregnant that we realized we were having another baby!







Hang in there. It will get better. I found that I had a much greater sense of appreciation of my pregnancies knowing the loss that can come, and I've gained a larger ability to be compassionate toward others. Those little lost babies have ultimately informed my life.


----------



## serenetabbie (Jan 13, 2002)

Hang in there honey! I too had an etopic pregnancy, mine ended in a mad dash to the ER in the middle of the night, a lot of internal bleeding, emergency surgery. I had just accepted the fact I was going to have a baby, and it was gone. It was my first baby.....and I took it pretty hard.
When I got pregnant with the next baby, i was terrified. I was afraid to go to the bathroom for fear I would see blood, or heaven forbid push the baby out by accident. I was not so much excited as I was nervous. We didnt tell anyone until I was 12 weeks (about one week more than the etopic made it). I dared not get "attached" to this one.
I felt a bit better after I had my US...it was a leval two and I could see his little fingers. I cryed my head off. I guess I didnt really let myself relax until after he was born....but the US was certainly a big turning point in my pregnancy. It made me feel much better. with each passing week i would think.....If the baby was born now, it would be okay. feeling him move was like magic. I still did not set up for him until 2 weeks before he was born....just incase. I cannot even tell you how I felt when they handed me that whole, screaming baby. But it sure did make up for all those months of private anguish.
so yeah, it gets better.


----------



## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

We also had multiple miscarriages.

And also did not "get into it" until the second trimester, realizing the let-down was always a possibility.

It's not a bad thing, you know, to hold off the excitement and all that, 'til you know for sure that the pregnancy takes.

- Amy


----------



## brett (May 7, 2002)

I totally felt that way after my pregnancy after a miscarriage, and feeling movement in the second trimester was really reassuring. I felt like the pain of that was only fully healed when I finally held my baby. I definitely agree that it is a loss of innocence, and I think it is totally normal to hold off the excitement and connection after such a loss. Good luck, Brett


----------



## magdala (Oct 2, 2002)

I know almost exactly what you are going through- this spring we lost a much wanted baby to miscarriage in the tenth week - and found myself pregnant again only two cycles later! A blessing, for sure, but mixed. I too have had a hard time doing everything"right" when that's what I did last time and it still didn't keep my baby alive. I was insistant upon a sonogram in the ninth week when I was too nervous to wait a moment longer- I had prepared myself for the worst but there was the heartbeat! Huge relief, as was getting past the tenth week marker. I'm now in the beginning of my 16th week and feeling doubts raising up again. When will my baby move and let me know it's ok? I tried going to the I'm Pregnant board to ease my worry but I guess I'm just not ready for the optimistic happiness I found there- as the wonderful women on this board know, the pain and fear of what can happen is just too great! All my love and blessings to you and your sweet little one through this hard time. I, too continue to expect spotting each time I use the bathroom, but know that this love and concern is only the beginning of the vulnerability involved in becoming a mother in this crazy world. I hope you have a care provider who can be reassuring to you- that's been super helpful for me.
As radio host Jennifer Stone says so well , "Go easy, and if you can't go easy, go as easy as you can. " Feel free to pm me anytime.


----------



## SpiralWoman (Jul 2, 2002)

I'm also pregnant again after a m/c. Mine was 5 years ago & we finally went to a specialist to find out why we weren't getting pregnant again. Just a little low sperm count and we got pregnant on our 1st IUI. I am thrilled to have gotten pgnant at all & feel very ungrateful whenever I get nervous. I am trying to use lots of positive imagery & relaxtion to get myself thru & had been feeling more at ease.

I am only 6wks 6days today, & am feeling that I do want an early u/s next week just to feel better, but am afraid to plan it, bcz the pessimistic part of me doesn't want to know, afraid of bad news. My m/c was a blighted ovum that never got past 6 wks size & mc'd at 12 wks or so. I never had many pgnancy symptoms then, nausea, etc, but thought nothing of it. This time I am watching like a hawk, so happy to be queasy in the AM the last week or so, & wish I would have to throw up! It seems like my symptoms are starting to ease up though, instead of getting stronger, so hence, the renewed worries, and I am probably (I hope) overanalysing.

Glad you all are here to talk about it with and I wish us all positive outcomes!
blessings, Maria


----------



## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

I can so relate to what you're saying. I had an ectopic pregnancy rupture on me in july 99. I had the mad dash to the er etc etc. Probably one of the most horrific & disturbingly violent episodes of my life. With that pregnancy we told everyone, were overjoyed, raptuous, got baby clothes & were generally looking forward to having a baby.

I got pregnant again 6 weeks later. We told hardly anyone until I went for an early ultrasound to make sure it wasn't ectopic. Then we waited until I was 12 weeks before we told anyone, but I still didn't really feel much of a connection there which I put down to fear more than anything. Then at about 16 weeks I started to spot blood, went for an ultrasound & we found the baby had died a week earlier for no tangible reason.

So, fast forward 5 months & I was pregnant again. We got thru the 6 ww to see if she was ectopic, then the 12ww to see if she miscarried & this time had an ultrasound or 4 to make sure along the way. Even when she started moving I felt quite disembodied. I think it was just fear i would have to live thru losing another child again. It takes chunks out of your heart so I think it is only natural to try to shield yourself from it happening. I even ended up having her at home, unassisted ( by accident ) as I was still totally in denial that I was ever going to end up with a live baby at the end of it all. Plus I seem to have really quick labours which is fortunate really. You know I even used to joke with people that I wasn't really pregnant but I had an eating disorder that made me this shape







Even now, 20 months on, I still have moments where everything gets a bit hazy & I wonder whether I've dreamed it all.

In hindsight, there was nothing I could have done to prevent me from losing my babes I lost. Worrying when I was pregnant with Saffron only really stressed me out & made me spend 9 months of my life being a nervous wreck when I should have been joyous & all those other fecund type of things. I'm still surprised she is such a laid back child. My best advice to you is to kick back, go with the flow & try to relax. Which is so easy for me to say now. Try to lay in peace & meditate for some time each day & connect with your baby & see if anything comes to you then.


----------



## kittyboo (Aug 14, 2002)

It is really heartwarming to read everyone's experiences. Like all of you, I lost my last baby at 12 weeks and am pregnant again (15 weeks). I too had a difficult time connecting through the first trimester. I was nervous and tearful and not very trusting of my body or its signals. I didn't want anyone to know I was pregnant, I didn't want to verbalize anything about this baby.

Finally I decided I could keep on this way, trying to shield my heart, or I could open it up. After crying it out with my husband, I was so thankful we had conceived this child, it was disrespectful not to love it and embrace it - even if we lost it.

And, yeah, I have run to the bathroom expecting to see blood since then and have had all kinds of weird nervous thoughts - once you've lost a baby, you are never the same. And, of course, I can't wait to feel those flutters (any day now?). But, I feel more peaceful and more excited every day.

After we heard the heartbeat at our 12 week midwife appointment, and after we all cheered and cried, my midwife wisely proclaimed, "Now, let the attachment begin!" It has been a hardwon victory!


----------

