# Ever feel guilty that you don't enjoy motherhood as much as you should?



## Schnooks (Jul 25, 2006)

Just wondering if I'm the only one.


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## michelle524 (Jul 8, 2005)

You're definitely not the only one. I think that most people that feel this way sometimes don't want to admit it (or at least my IRL friends, I've come to find out, have felt this way before...)


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

I'm wondering if you could elaborate on what you mean...


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

I know what you mean. And I'm not depressed. There are days when DS just pushes my button and I just don't know how to deal with him anymore.

He is and will be our only child so I take lots of comfort of in that. I have a couple of discipline issues that I am trying to get a grasp on that makes Motherhood hard for me.

For instance, he refuses to hold my hand in public and snatches away and run away from me.

I am the type that gets stressed easily so I have to take lots of breaks. DH gives me every Sunday off (the whole day) and I can do what I want.

I come refreshed and just a whole new person and I am a much better Mommy.

DS will be 4 this year so I am sure the tantrums/meltdowns will get better.

You are not alone.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

Yes... and I am pg with #3 and wondernig how the heck I am going to get through the next 3-4 years...


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## RBinTEX (Apr 16, 2004)

I don't really enjoy spending my days with little ones. Some moms eat it up and love every second of it. The first time I had little ones (I've got 3 older kids and a baby) it was OK because the experience was new and I was learning what it meant to be a mom. Well, I've already done that once and to tell the truth, day in and day out with a 2 yo is not my idea of heaven. I really do enjoy mothering older kids, and I love my 2 yo just as much, but the joys of spending time with her 24/7.... well...


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## teachma (Dec 20, 2002)

Yeah, in the late afternoons, when I come home from work, I wish I could enjoy my children more bt there's cleaning, and dinner, and laundry, and packing the lunches for the next day...I feel overwhelmed with all that needs to get done, and the last thing I can do is sit down and enjoy being a mom.


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## eli janine (Jun 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *teachma* 
Yeah, in the late afternoons, when I come home from work, I wish I could enjoy my children more bt there's cleaning, and dinner, and laundry, and packing the lunches for the next day...I feel overwhelmed with all that needs to get done, and the last thing I can do is sit down and enjoy being a mom.









My god, I could have written this word for word, and I've only been back to work for two weeks. I feel like from the moment I wake till the moment I sleep I'm preparing and readying for the next day and the next--packing the lunches, washing the diapers and pump parts, picking up the toys. I wish I could just sit down and enjoy mothering my little guys.


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## Nikki98 (Sep 9, 2006)

I feel this way at times too. Sometimes I feel so exhausted mothering that I am not enjoying it. My kids are 2 and 7 but they are very demanding of me. I think they call "mommy" at least 100 times a day-seriously. Its always something. Seems like when I try to enjoy motherhood something happens that tips the balance and I start becoming upset or just plain tired of repeating myself - for the hundredth time. My dh works so much (I mean at least 90 hours some weeks) so I feel so burnout at times. I really want to enjoy this time, but its hard. I think this is one of the unspoken, commonly felt taboos of mothehood.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

Yes. I love my ds with all my heart. I haven't felt well since he was born, though, and after much testing (it must be ppd they said) I found out I had lymphoma. He was a year old then. He is four now and I've been through a clinical trial (vaccine trial) and now chemo. I feel like I'm trying my best, and we have fun, learning and love, but some days I am just too tired and sick to enjoy him. Between caring for him and trying to keep up with the housework, I am just exhausted. I am often annoyed with him and snap at him. It makes me feel sad and guilty. He does get shuttled around on my sick days to caring relatives but he pretty much wants me, and the "healthy normal" me.
I just finished chemo (yay!) so hopefully now I'll have a long remission so I can concentrate fully on ds and turn off that dang tv that we've grown dependent on!


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Schnooks* 
Just wondering if I'm the only one.

Yes, sometimes I feel like someone truly lied to me about what this is all about...but the feeling passes with the issue at hand. My daughter smiles or says something funny and I feel that everything in this world is where it should be and is perfect!








Sometimes its hard when you have someone who tries to butt into your parenting decisions (hubby's ex) but I try to remember that when people are doing that, they are just worried abuot their own insecurities as a parent.
(((hugs)))


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OakBerry* 
Yes. I love my ds with all my heart. I haven't felt well since he was born, though, and after much testing (it must be ppd they said) I found out I had lymphoma. He was a year old then. He is four now and I've been through a clinical trial (vaccine trial) and now chemo. I feel like I'm trying my best, and we have fun, learning and love, but some days I am just too tired and sick to enjoy him. Between caring for him and trying to keep up with the housework, I am just exhausted. I am often annoyed with him and snap at him. It makes me feel sad and guilty. He does get shuttled around on my sick days to caring relatives but he pretty much wants me, and the "healthy normal" me.
I just finished chemo (yay!) so hopefully now I'll have a long remission so I can concentrate fully on ds and turn off that dang tv that we've grown dependent on!

Im going to light a candle for you hun! Im sending lots of prayers and positive thoughts in your direction! I just know that you are going to kick lymphoma's a** and gain FULL remission and live a much healthier and better life for it! You rawk mama! And feel free to vent about this more, its okay to ask for an ear!


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## Schnooks (Jul 25, 2006)

Oakberry.. I pray for your complete healing. How hard it must be when you don't feel well. I have a girlfriend who has been in remission for a long time. Hang tough.

To explain myself further for the person who asked.. I mean the feeling of waking up in the morning with anxiety over how to get thru the hours caring for, entertaining, feeding, disciplining, getting impatient with a 2 yr old who often brings out the absolute worst in me and in turn makes me not like myself much. Also, I wish I liked playing more.. but a lot of times I feel myself forcing giddiness or being silly just for his sake. This child is a dream, but mommy can be so selfish in wanting her own space. Gonna work on it tho. Thanks for listening.


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## jeteaa (Jan 23, 2007)

guilt is my wors enemy. There is nothing I would rather do than shaming and motherhood, but honestly trying to be a ap mom, is HARD. And sometimes I question if ap is worth it. I keep hearing and seeing so many example of cio, spanking, both parents working ft, etc and when the kids are teens and adults, all seem as happy as can be. Not saying that I will cio or spank.... but ap mothering would be much easier and enjoyable if I felt concertely that is is BEST way to parent.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

I'm puzzled that anyone would describe motherhood as enjoyable


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

I find there are aspects of being a mom that I love. And I do not regret for a moment being a mom.

But my days are not filled with unending joy at being a mom. Heck, my days are not filled with undending joy at anything - being a wife (even though I adore my dh with all my heart), owning my business, being a member of my church, living in my neighborhood, even though all these decisions were the absolutely the right ones for me/us. Everything has great elements and sucky elements.

I find I am better at some aspects of mothering than others. I really suck at maintenance work - be it housekeeping, business accounts, or childcaring (the whole routine of feeding, bedtime rituals, bathing, etc etc). They drive me up the wall.

I can wish I weren't or castigate myself for being this way, or I can accept it and do what i can to make it fun or at least efficient.

I suspect part of the problem is the shift of thinking about parenthood from a responsibility/ obligation that most people will have to that of a personal choice.

This shifts the attitude quite significantly - if parenthood is a choice, then:

* no one else should be asked to accomodate that choice

* the only people who should be parents are those who are going to be close to perfect ones

* no one gets to complain about aspects of parenting because "it was your choice!"

I find this way of thinking to be VERY dangerous. Sure, logistically, we as individuals have the choice to reproduce (even if there are moral objections, etc), but societally, someone MUST reproduce in order to have a next generation. In fact, MOST people must reproduce in order for our society to continue to exist.

And parenting is A LOT of work, especially nowadays when we don't use child labor to support the family, and we have to pay for childcare and university education and other expenses that used to never exist. Add onto that the decline in supporting services for parents (lack of family in close proximity, increasing number of women going back to work when children are small), and the increasing targeting of children by corporate advertisers, puts most of the responsibility for children squarely on the parents shoulders.

In addition, our parenting standards are MUCH higher than they have ever been before- did anyone else see the UMD study about how even working mothers spend more time with their children than sahms did in the 60s and 70s? Intensive parenting is the current approach throughout society (not just AP families).

So parenting is our individual choice, we are more isolated, there are higher standards for parenting we are meant to live up to , AND at the same time, we are supposed to be living in a maternal childrearing bliss????

That there is crazy thinking.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

I enjoy having dd (just turned 5) and would die or kill to keep her safe, I love her so much. But... I.DO.NOT.LIKE.PLAYING.WITH.HER!!!! When she asks me to color with her, I know I should, as a good mother would, but I simply detest coloring. I hate crafts, and most age-appropriate games put me in a coma. I love reading with her (and she is sight reading on her own, so this is neat to see) and teaching her about things outside in the garden, etc. I love to cook with her. I am her absolute FAVORITE person in the whole wide world, but I am the only one that doesn't play with her (my mom lives with us, too, and she is great about playing with dd... although growing up, she barely had 2 civil words for us as children... she was a horrible mother, but I love her still). I think AP works, but you don't have to like every moment spent with your children to be AP. To me, AP is doing everything in your power to make sure your child's needs and best interests are put first. But that doesn't mean we're slaves to them. An AP mommy has to be a happy mommy, too.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *velochic* 
I think AP works, but you don't have to like every moment spent with your children to be AP. To me, AP is doing everything in your power to make sure your child's needs and best interests are put first. But that doesn't mean we're slaves to them. An AP mommy has to be a happy mommy, too.

Yes, yes, yes


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeteaa* 
guilt is my wors enemy. There is nothing I would rather do than shaming and motherhood, but honestly trying to be a ap mom, is HARD. And sometimes I question if ap is worth it. I keep hearing and seeing so many example of cio, spanking, both parents working ft, etc and when the kids are teens and adults, all seem as happy as can be. Not saying that I will cio or spank.... but ap mothering would be much easier and enjoyable if I felt concertely that is is BEST way to parent.

IME CIO and spanking are things people do with babies and toddlers. I know people who have spanked their 3 yo FE (I think it's wrong) but don't spank their older kids are are really good parents overall. Same with CIO.

I think parenting differences often even out as the kids get older.

I still believe in AP but I do know many great parents who didn't AP their babies and toddlers.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeteaa* 
And sometimes I question if ap is worth it. I keep hearing and seeing so many example of cio, spanking, both parents working ft, etc and when the kids are teens and adults, all seem as happy as can be.

just to jump on you for a sec







:

Please do NOT equate CIO and spanking with both parents working full time. It is NOT anti-AP for both parents to work, even by choice.

I am jumping on this because I see this assumption that AP = sahm over and over again, and it bugs the devil out of me.

rant over, thanks for understanding.









Siobhan


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 
I suspect part of the problem is the shift of thinking about parenthood from a responsibility/ obligation that most people will have to that of a personal choice.

This shifts the attitude quite significantly - if parenthood is a choice, then:

* no one else should be asked to accomodate that choice

* the only people who should be parents are those who are going to be close to perfect ones

* no one gets to complain about aspects of parenting because "it was your choice!"

I find this way of thinking to be VERY dangerous. Sure, logistically, we as individuals have the choice to reproduce (even if there are moral objections, etc), but societally, someone MUST reproduce in order to have a next generation. In fact, MOST people must reproduce in order for our society to continue to exist.

And parenting is A LOT of work, especially nowadays when we don't use child labor to support the family, and we have to pay for childcare and university education and other expenses that used to never exist. Add onto that the decline in supporting services for parents (lack of family in close proximity, increasing number of women going back to work when children are small), and the increasing targeting of children by corporate advertisers, puts most of the responsibility for children squarely on the parents shoulders.

In addition, our parenting standards are MUCH higher than they have ever been before- did anyone else see the UMD study about how even working mothers spend more time with their children than sahms did in the 60s and 70s? Intensive parenting is the current approach throughout society (not just AP families).

So parenting is our individual choice, we are more isolated, there are higher standards for parenting we are meant to live up to , AND at the same time, we are supposed to be living in a maternal childrearing bliss????

That there is crazy thinking.

You've put your finger on it, absolutely. This is so smart, and so well-articulated. Thank you.


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## teachma (Dec 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eli janine* 
My god, I could have written this word for word, and I've only been back to work for two weeks. I feel like from the moment I wake till the moment I sleep I'm preparing and readying for the next day and the next--packing the lunches, washing the diapers and pump parts, picking up the toys. I wish I could just sit down and enjoy mothering my little guys.









There's a reason you can relate. We have a strange connection I just noticed...your two children's names are actually my son's first and middle names! (Avery Elliot)


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 
I find there are aspects of being a mom that I love. And I do not regret for a moment being a mom.

But my days are not filled with unending joy at being a mom. Heck, my days are not filled with undending joy at anything - being a wife (even though I adore my dh with all my heart), owning my business, being a member of my church, living in my neighborhood, even though all these decisions were the absolutely the right ones for me/us. Everything has great elements and sucky elements.

I find I am better at some aspects of mothering than others. I really suck at maintenance work - be it housekeeping, business accounts, or childcaring (the whole routine of feeding, bedtime rituals, bathing, etc etc). They drive me up the wall.

I can wish I weren't or castigate myself for being this way, or I can accept it and do what i can to make it fun or at least efficient.

I suspect part of the problem is the shift of thinking about parenthood from a responsibility/ obligation that most people will have to that of a personal choice.

This shifts the attitude quite significantly - if parenthood is a choice, then:

* no one else should be asked to accomodate that choice

* the only people who should be parents are those who are going to be close to perfect ones

* no one gets to complain about aspects of parenting because "it was your choice!"

I find this way of thinking to be VERY dangerous. Sure, logistically, we as individuals have the choice to reproduce (even if there are moral objections, etc), but societally, someone MUST reproduce in order to have a next generation. In fact, MOST people must reproduce in order for our society to continue to exist.

And parenting is A LOT of work, especially nowadays when we don't use child labor to support the family, and we have to pay for childcare and university education and other expenses that used to never exist. Add onto that the decline in supporting services for parents (lack of family in close proximity, increasing number of women going back to work when children are small), and the increasing targeting of children by corporate advertisers, puts most of the responsibility for children squarely on the parents shoulders.

In addition, our parenting standards are MUCH higher than they have ever been before- did anyone else see the UMD study about how even working mothers spend more time with their children than sahms did in the 60s and 70s? Intensive parenting is the current approach throughout society (not just AP families).

So parenting is our individual choice, we are more isolated, there are higher standards for parenting we are meant to live up to , AND at the same time, we are supposed to be living in a maternal childrearing bliss????

That there is crazy thinking.

I think I love you!









I love my son more than I can express with words, but parenting is HARD for me. He is very spirited and never stops. My parents have 5 children and my mother was an early childhood educator for 20 years and they look at DS in wonder and say things like, "I never knew a kid could have that much energy!" or "He never stops, does he?"







: Oy.


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## Throkmorton (Jun 30, 2003)

Well put!

Today was not my best day. I realized at one point I had zoned out for 10 minutes, calculating how many weeks I have to endure until DS starts kindergarten. He is at a very difficult age for me to handle, and I don't enjoy playing with him, listening to him whine or trying to manage his emotional outbursts.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rivka5* 
You've put your finger on it, absolutely. This is so smart, and so well-articulated. Thank you.

Thanks!! I am kind of on a rant about this subject right now...

a friend of mine, in a weird "having kids is a choice that I shouldn't support" debate with a rabid anti-child guy we know, put it most bluntly - "if no one has kids, who is going to wipe your ass when you are living in the nursing home?"










Siobhan


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## lolalola (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 
"if no one has kids, who is going to wipe your ass when you are living in the nursing home?"

I'd be curious to know what his response to that was?!









I guess I'm a bit stuck on the wording of the question. I mean, how much *should* I enjoy motherhood? I think, like any other intimate relationship, there will be days when I simply don't enjoy my children. Just as there are days when I don't enjoy my husband









As for feeling guity, I don't. I accept that motherhood evokes ambivalence; and when negative feelings come up, I understand that they are normal, and I don't dwell on them.


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## tbone (Dec 17, 2006)

I'm so glad I saw this post! I thought I was the only mom out there that really does not enjoy the "joys of motherhood". I'm bored, I'm frumpy, and the only things I'm good at talking about are all things baby and toddler related.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 
"if no one has kids, who is going to wipe your ass when you are living in the nursing home?"










Siobhan









Too funny! I needed a laugh today, thanks.


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## The Lucky One (Oct 31, 2002)

I really really really enjoy mothering about 95% of the time. I also had a really great mother to model myself after.

But, there's that 5%, maybe not quite that much even, that I long for the days that I didn't have any children and could come and go as I pleased. Mostly those days are when some or all of the kids are sick or I haven't gotten enough sleep or whatever.

Sometimes I *do* look forward to the day when all of the kids are in school. That way, I can get all the stuff done that I need to do--stuff that I'm always trying to squeeze in here or there--stuff that leaves me frustrated because I can never ever get it quite finished--and then when they come home from school, I can enjoy them wholeheartedly.

(((hugs))) to everyone!


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## jaxinsmom (Jul 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalola* 
As for feeling guity, I don't. I accept that motherhood evokes ambivalence; and when negative feelings come up, I understand that they are normal, and I don't dwell on them.

Well said









I think we put too much presssure on ourselves as mothers and that society perpetuates the _verb_ of mothering. We feel the need to be 'on' and perfect at all times, which is never going to happen and it leaves us feeling like we've failed.

Parenthood...the days go so slowly, and the years fly by....


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## lolalola (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jaxinsmom* 
Parenthood...the days go so slowly, and the years fly by....

Ain't that the truth...


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

I feel guilty. Mostly for not having enough time to work on myself so I can learn to enjoy my kids more. I resent them for taking up so much of my life sometimes. I feel like I'm never going to make any real personal progress because they always need something. I know it will change as they get older, but I worry that I won't even get there unless I get away from them NOW. Being a SAHM is NOT for me. And that's where I am right now. So yeah to all those people who think AP=SAHM and vice versa, HAHA yeah it isn't what you think it is. I would probably excel MORE at AP if I wasn't with my kids 24/7.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalola* 
I'd be curious to know what his response to that was?!









unfortunately, he never responded... ; )


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Poot* 
. So yeah to all those people who think AP=SAHM and vice versa, HAHA yeah it isn't what you think it is. I would probably excel MORE at AP if I wasn't with my kids 24/7.

This is exactly how I am. If I were a SAHM, I would go nuts. I do best when I have a mix of different things in my life; work, kids, family, social, etc. The reality of being a SAHM would make me resentful and not a very nice person to be around.

Both my dh and I see a direct connection to how centered and happy we are with the quality of our parenting. It just isn't possible to be reasonable, rational, and open hearted when one is feeling angry and frustrated.

I also disagree with the implication I sometimes sense that somehow kids needs and parents needs are in conflict. They aren't. They are (most of the time) symbiotic. More than any particular parenting technique or approach, kids need parents who are confident, open hearted, thoughtful, and feeling pretty decent about life.

A friend of mine is struggling with depression - I can see its impact quite clearly on her relationship with her four year old daughter, even though she is working her ass off to make sure her daughter doesn't suffer. But right now, she has no joy in her eyes. She has no enthusiasm for life. She has limited ability to connect with her daughter right now, the way she used to be able to.

I really feel for my friend and her family - and know that they absolutely need to do whatever it takes to get her back.

It is very frightening seeing it from the outside - and for me is a stark reminder of how important it is for parents to take care of ourselves.

We are the leaders of our families - we are the rock our kids cling to. It is our DUTY to take care of ourselves so that our kids won't have to navigate these waters without our guidance and love.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisac77* 
I love my son more than I can express with words, but parenting is HARD for me. He is very spirited and never stops











This describes me and DS so well. Parenting is very hard for me too. DS has a "spirited" temperament. When he wants something, he is relentless and can wear you down until you give in.

I give in to him alot.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Poot* 
So yeah to all those people who think AP=SAHM and vice versa, HAHA yeah it isn't what you think it is. I would probably excel MORE at AP if I wasn't with my kids 24/7.

Mama Poot, I've BTDT. I was able to get some breaks and that saved my sanity. Since ds#3 was born I've had a couple of part-time jobs, traded babysitting with a friend, had dh take over childcare when he was on sabbatical. All those helped. Plus sending the kids to preschool and school.

What about the idea that AP=homeschooling? I don't think it does but I think there may be some who do.

Sending my kids to school really saved me. I might not have made it otherwise. They also greatly benefitted from going to school. It has really enriched their lives. While outschooling is not always the perfect situation, for us I really believe it has been better than homeschooling.


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## UptownZoo (May 11, 2003)

This is the ridiculous assumption that western society puts on us as mothers. We think/feel about mothering as if it were a hobby (akin, I guess, to having a pet), something done solely to fulfill oneself. Like Siobhan said, the language of "choice" creates its own baggage and lets society off the hook when it comes to supporting families.

I most definitely do not always enjoy parenting. I am extremely fortunate, though, to be parenting cooperatively with many other people. Our eldest 3 children are from DH's and my first marriages, so we share parenting with our ex-spouses and our children's step-parents; my sister lives with us; and my parents live just 6 blocks away. So that takes tons of the pressure off. All my kids are in school (even the little one goes to preschool 5 mornings a week). Yes, sometimes I succumb to the guilt, wishing I were more like I imagine (_imagine_) other mothers are, spending tons of time with my kids, baking, doing projects, playing, etc.

Fact is, I'm an adult. I have no desire at all to immerse myself in a child's world for however many years it takes to raise these children. And it's not necessary. Honestly, when my big kids were younger, I used to rake myself over the coals about how I never played with my kids. I couldn't stand to sit down and push cars around or play dollies or build with blocks. Know what? They're 13 and 11 now, not grown by any means, but very well-adjusted, creative, happy people. They speak very fondly of the things we did together when they were little. Everytime DS4 gets out the book that was DS13's favorite, DS13 gets all misty and comes to sit with me, remembering the hours we spent cuddled on the couch reading.

Beyond providing all the basic needed care whether I wanted to or not (you know, clean diapers, good meals, etc.) I did with my children the things that _I_ enjoyed doing with them. Yes, I'm one of those mothers who takes her children to the park, then sits in the shade and reads a book. I don't ignore them, of course. They're safety was/is always my first priority. But I don't want to swing and slide and build sand castles. I've asked them about those things recently (I was inspired to have that conversation with them by all these sorts of posts at MDC!) and they don't recall having ANY negative feelings about that. They remember many happy hours at the playground, digging, playing with other children, climbing, and coming to my blanket for a drink of water and a snack. They didn't need me for a playmate.

Not that I didn't do things with them, but I mostly involved them in what I was doing, not the other way around. IME, a 4 yo is just as happy to help fold laundry as to play blocks! I read to them a great deal because it's my favorite thing to do in the world, it's the best thing you can do for their developing brains, and they loved it. My kids are both now avid readers, even DS13 who has a learning disability that made it a huge challenge for him to learn how. He knew, though, how much value reading had as a way to entertain oneself and was extremely motivated. I don't take all the credit for that, but I'd like to think I had something to do with it.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. It helps now that I don't _expect_ to get lots of pleasure and self-fulfillment out of parenting. It's part of my life; I love my children beyond my ability to express that love. They're not my everything, though. I'm me, and I need to live my life in a way that satisfies me spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I'm a much better mother when I put on my own oxygen mask first, so to speak.

And let's face it. Lots of parenting is tedium. Make another grilled cheese sandwich. Wipe her nose for the 46th time this morning. Get him buckled into the carseat while he screams. Try to get the housework done while she takes her ever-shortening nap. It's this huge cultural fallacy that this should be one endless bliss-fest! Cleaning puke out of a carseat is not fun. Neither is getting phone calls from my DS's English teacher, saying he won't stop drumming on his desk. Going to IEP meetings is not fun. Managing asthma. Breaking up the fights. Making a meal, and having my kids pick at it. Why should this all be so wonderful?

I guess I'm saying I enjoy it more after I let myself off the hook and stopped expecting myself to enjoy it so much! And it DOES get easier in some ways. Parenting my older kids is more challenging emotionally now than it was when they were little, but it's not so relentless, and not so physically draining. I can sleep in on Saturday mornings (or could, before we decided to add two puppies to the crew!), they take their own showers, tie their own shoes, etc. My youngest will be there soon. And when they're older, they can have real conversations. I can talk to my daughter over a hot drink at a coffee shop and it's pleasant and I get a taste of the relationship we'll have when she's an adult, the kind of relationship I value so highly with my own mom. And you know what? My mom never played with me, either!









I invite everyone to get down off the hook that we've hung ourselves on. Parenting is hugely important, deserving of our devotion and effort. But children are not fragile. We will not break them by not loving every instant we spend with them. We can, however, hurt them badly if we expect so much of ourselves that we begin to burn with resentment over our own unrealized potential. None of us were born to be mothers. We were born to be ourselves, and mothering is only one piece of that.


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## RBinTEX (Apr 16, 2004)

Loved your post, UptownZoo! I couldn't agree more.


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## lolalola (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RBinTEX* 
Loved your post, UptownZoo! I couldn't agree more.









: I was coming to post this exact sentiment.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Love these responses!

I have struggled with this issue, too . . .so then I take a step back and look at moms who DO love it as much as I think I should. The major difference is expectations. Moms who enjoy motherhood expect less, or maybe different things than I do. They do NOT feel guilty about not playing 24/7 if they don't want to. They do not EXPECT themselves to play or to even enjoy playing all the time.

As pps have said, if we can frame our expectations in a realistic light and free ourselves from "shoulds" then we free ourselves to truly enjoy parenting. Not all aspects, by any means, but the overall experience.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 









This describes me and DS so well. Parenting is very hard for me too. DS has a "spirited" temperament. When he wants something, he is relentless and can wear you down until you give in.

I give in to him alot.

Oh, me too! You hear all this language about how parents should set limits with their children, and if they don't well they're just big old weaklings who don't want to hear their kids cry. I would like to introduce them to my son.







:

I end up feeling like I can't do anything nice for him "once in a while" because he always remembers and then expects that it will happen all the time. I just don't know what to do!!


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:

But children are not fragile. We will not break them by not loving every instant we spend with them. We can, however, hurt them badly if we expect so much of ourselves that we begin to burn with resentment over our own unrealized potential. None of us were born to be mothers. We were born to be ourselves, and mothering is only one piece of that.
uptownzoo, you sing it, sister!!


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