# tips for dealing with uncooperative child



## nichole (Feb 9, 2004)

Today my 3yo was very uncooperative. He is taking a nap right now so I know that was what was wrong. How do you deal with crankiness and not listening?

First check for hunger? Tired? Lonely and needs to play with you? I know I need to play What else?

For example. Not getting dressed. We play a game of who can get dressed first. I just do it for him sometimes. He likes clothes that are easy to put on, and I found that out the hard way.

Not listening. I have him sit down and listen to me. Sometimes he needs to calm down and focus on what I'm saying. But how do I not let it turn into a lecture.

Not helping clean up. I know I should let this go or make it a game. Every day he dumps bunches of toys on the floor in some elaborate game. Sometimes I warn him that he needs to help me clean them up or we have to put some away for awhile b/c it is too messy and hard for me to keep clean. I just want a path to walk.

I'm looking for your top tips on making your day go semi smoothly without a bunch of threats.


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## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

A few things that work here:
- Give two choices that get the same result. "Do you want to put your pants on first or your shirt?" If you get a 'no' - "I'm sorry, that isn't an option. Pants or shirt?" 'no' "ah, you want me to choose for you? I pick.........shirt!" and hand it over, then busy yourself with something else. The power struggle is taken away and there's no further invite for an argument.

-touch, talk, listen. Get down, touch him, say what you need to and ask him to repeat back. This works very well in conjunction with the 5 word limit, because you need to make it short enough that he can remember and repeat it. Get a phrase in your head that sums up what is most important and use that.

-I find that focusing on just needs instead of what I want or how it affects me changes the response. It's one thing to do something simply because it needs to be done, it's another to do it because someone wants you to. It's too complex when you add in how a child may feel about *you* just at that moment and it affects whether or not they will do something.
However, showing them how it does affect others does tend to work, especially for older kids. You should have heard the "OUCH! Shoe! OUCH! Another shoe!" coming from the hall last night. A sheepish 8yo came out of his room and put his sandals away. However, if I had said, "hey, hon, I don't want you to leave the sandals in the hall because they might hurt me." I would have had a 50/50 chance of him actually doing it. (I would have gotten a 99% chance if I had touched him and said "Your shoes need to be put away")


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nichole* 
Today my 3yo was very uncooperative. He is taking a nap right now so I know that was what was wrong. How do you deal with crankiness and not listening?

Sometime kids are just cranky and objectionable. Actually, sometimes grown ups are too!







Its partly human nature, and partly the nature of being three. Three year olds can be extremely objectionable. (In both senses of the word - objecting to everything, and being unpleasant to be around.) Much of the solution is just to patiently muddle along and trust that it will get better.

Quote:

First check for hunger? Tired? Lonely and needs to play with you? I know I need to play What else?
Yes -- first basic needs: Hungry or tired? Getting sick? Cutting teeth? Then look at emotional needs: power, freedom, fun, belonging, attention.... Does he have enough power and control in his life? Get to make enough choices? Is he getting enough attention? Does he have the words he needs to express his feelings? Does he have enough time with other kids, to play and be silly?

Quote:

For example. Not getting dressed. We play a game of who can get dressed first. I just do it for him sometimes. He likes clothes that are easy to put on, and I found that out the hard way.
Decide if he really needs to get dressed. Think about whether you can let it go sometimes, or maybe the opposite - maybe you need to have a fairly consistant routine so that it becomes a non-negotiable habit. What would work best in your family? Playing games is great. Doing it for him is fine.

Quote:

Not listening. I have him sit down and listen to me. Sometimes he needs to calm down and focus on what I'm saying. But how do I not let it turn into a lecture.
Eye contact, getting on his level, keeping your words very short and very concise. Speaking in the positive -- tell him what he should be doing instead of what he should not be doing. Remember that little kids often listen better if they are wiggling around. Fidgety restless behavior does NOT mean that he isn't hearing you.

Quote:

Not helping clean up. I know I should let this go or make it a game. Every day he dumps bunches of toys on the floor in some elaborate game. Sometimes I warn him that he needs to help me clean them up or we have to put some away for awhile b/c it is too messy and hard for me to keep clean. I just want a path to walk.
Organize the toys, and involve him in the process. Talk about a plan for keeping it under control. Making it habit to put one activity away before starting another is helpful, but maybe you don't want to limit his creativity? I have made "rules" with my kid's input to the effective of "no more than 3 sets out at a time."

Keep close tabs on when he needs to take a break and tidy up, and do it with him or for him when necessary. When a child gets used to having things tidy, they start to like that better. It may take awhile though. I used to clean up, and involve them by just sticking things in their hands and telling them where to put them. No questions, or negotiations. Just, "_Here is a book. Put it on that shelf over there._" Meanwhile, I'm working happily on other things, humming the clean up song.

Quote:

I'm looking for your top tips on making your day go semi smoothly without a bunch of threats.
Routine, routine, routine.







Making a constant choice to let things go if you have to way to address it without making threats.

Spend time with other mom's and kids, if you can, to keep you sane.


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## nichole (Feb 9, 2004)

thanks for the replies.

we were having a bad day and my patience was wearing very thin. this is when i start to doubt myself. i'm starting to recognize this frustrated feeling before i lose my patience, but i didn't really love how i handled the lack of cooperation that day. i'm reading some on this Taking Children Seriously website. _still trying to decide how i feel about not helping me clean up. deep down i know that he helps clean up all the time so i need to let it go on the days when he doesn't feel up to it._

i like the five word limit.

we have been playing together more and sticking to our routine. we did go out to play with some other kids after our nap.

just wanted to say thanks for the support and advice. we've been stressed lately, but i think its getting better.


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nichole* 
_still trying to decide how i feel about not helping me clean up. deep down i know that he helps clean up all the time so i need to let it go on the days when he doesn't feel up to it._

This is my DP's problem too, and mine to a lesser extent.

DP feels _strongly_ that we're letting DD "get away with something" if we end up doing something for her. I think that if that's true that he needs to recognize how many times he "gets away with something" on a regular basis when _he_ doesn't pick up his socks, wet towels, and dirty dishes.









Off to the TCS website.


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