# What do you do when you're feeding other people's children?



## PJsmomma (Apr 21, 2003)

I babysat for my friend's kids for a couple hours today--it was over lunch.

I fixed lunch and my son had pears--fresh pears. I slice them and take the peels off.

I know my friend's son says he doesn't like fruit (or veggies







) but that's what we were having as part of lunch. I put one very thin slice on his plate with the rest of lunch.

He right away started with the big cow eyes brimming with tears "I don't like it I don't like it" (he's 4)

I said "That's ok--just take a taste and then eat the rest of your lunch"
Which is what we do--if my son takes a taste and doesn't eat it then I'm ok with it--I just think that taking one taste is not unreasonable.

Well, he finally licked it and I think took a miniscule bite--then he SPIT all over. I was like oh my word!







Then he burst into tears and started screaming "I don't like it I don't like it"

Well, I didn't make any sort of scene, I just said--thanks for trying it--just eat the rest of your lunch.

My son had eaten a whole pear and was looking at his friend funny and we went on with lunch and no more about the pear.

But I'm wondering what do you do when other kids are eating with you?


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## AmandaBL (Aug 3, 2004)

That kind of stuff makes me crazy!!! My son does something like that from time to time (no spitting though). I guess if it was someone elses kid, I'd ignore it, however hard it may be.







:


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I wouldn't have requested that he try it. Even though it is definitely a "family value" of ours to try everything once, I don't assume that others necessarily follow that nor do I know whether the friend has in fact tried it in the past and already knows he doesn't like it.

I think you handled the whole spitting thing very well.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

If the child told me he didn't like/want something, I would have respected that. And, it's just one meal, right?


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Yeah I think you handled the spitting well too, but I wouldn't have requested he try it, especially not if he was already close to tears.

I think it's the parent/caregiver's job to "show up with the food" and the child's to decide whether to eat or taste it. I encourage my dd to taste things I think she will like, but I don't force the issue. Same with other people's kids - I usually ask "Would you like some ___?" If not I offer something else.


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## member (Apr 15, 2002)

I give care to my nephew regularly. He eats what I eat, which is very differently from how he eats at home. Never had a problem. I agree with setting out a spread and letting kids choose what they want. The only unfortunate incident I've had thus far is when I was caring for nephew and nephew's cousin who came w/ no food and HATED everything I had available.


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## 4cornersmamma (Aug 29, 2004)

Very sad about that little boy you watched.

The thing that would make me worry would be how the other child was effecting my child's behavior. But it sounds like your son just handled that with ease.

I do the same thing as you, I feed other people's kids how I would want my kids fed.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

I would not have insisted that the child taste the pear, if he was so not wanting to.
I feel sorry for him that he was so upset by the pear incident.
Maybe he's allergic to pears.

ETA: as nice as it would be to have my ds try a bite of everything I put in front of him, it just does not happen. He has food sensitivities and doesn't eat a lot. If I insist that he try a bite to the point of him having a fit and spitting it out, he will be much less likely to try the food again for a looooooooong time.


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## PJsmomma (Apr 21, 2003)

His mom said he didn't even mention it so he wasn't scarred or anything









I know he's not allergic to pears and I know too that reading this sounds probably like I sat on him and forced pear down his throat--I did nothing like that at all--I asked him to take a taste. I didn't really think it was going to make him spit and burst into tears. I have been an early childhood educator for many years and the take one taste was pretty common and I never saw a child do that. So I was honestly surprised and wondering what you all do that's all.

He really is fine--we saw him today and he didn't avoid me or run from me screaming when he saw me









I guess I was just going at it like we do--my son many times doesn't like something I say we're taking a taste and he takes his tase and 90% of the time loves it and when he doesn't I do like I did with my friends' son--ok thanks for tasting it.


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## 4cornersmamma (Aug 29, 2004)

PJ'smomma -

I think your concern for your son's friend seemed obvious - I really don't think that anything you did was inappropriate.


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PJsmomma*
...I said "That's ok--just take a taste and then eat the rest of your lunch" Which is what we do--if my son takes a taste and doesn't eat it then I'm ok with it--I just think that taking one taste is not unreasonable...

...But I'm wondering what do you do when other kids are eating with you?

Well, that is what you do in your family. Obviously, what is done in another family is their affair.

As nice as it would be to have had every 4-year old on earth memorize and put into practice the ettiquette in The Goops and How Not to be Them, I don't try and impose any when-in-Rome-do-as-the-Romans rules on little kids.

When other kids are eating with us, I (1) make sure I have a full list of what they like and don't like and possibly have allergies to from the parents and (2) I don't get terribly attached to making everyone eat even a little from every pile on their plate.

(1) is sometimes difficult as I am SHOCKED by the number of families out there who seem to be terribly unaware of their kids likes/dislikes/etc. Or if they are aware, they seem to miss the common thread that might indicate a food allergy or sensitivity.








Then again, I don't have a "try it once" rule in my house. Considering I can decide whether or not to try a restaurant by the scent when I am _on the sidewalk_, I certainly give a child the benefit of the doubt that s/he might be going by scent alone.

And, just for what it is worth, when I was a child, I was deeply offended by anyone who tried to impose food rules on me, be it my parent or another adult. I might be polite and, yes, even affectionate if that was expected; but, I definately did not approve of them. Given any chance, I avoided them later.


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

When I watch my niece, whose 6, she knows that in my house she has to abide by my rules. Not to sound like we're strict or overbearing, but my sister lets her get away with sooo much stuff that she realizes she can't get away with it with me. When we have her over to eat, which is at least once a week, the rule of thumb is "For however many years old you are thats how many bites you have to try something". I know it sounds like a lot but we started this rule when she was 2. So now she is used to it and knows she needs to take six bites.

I don't think asking him to take one bite is bad. If it were me and he spit it out I probably wouldn't have given him a treat or something to that effect to let him know that is not acceptable. Then if he made a big fuss over not getting a treat I would ask him to take a bite first and give him a second chance. Especially if you feel that you may be watching him in the future, you want him to know that he must at least take a bite. HTH.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

I think the mistake you made was in asking him to try a bite after he said he did not like it. My son is six & there is NO WAY he would adhere to the try one bite rule- if he sees a food he does not think he will like, he will not try it, there is not getting around that. Then again, if you put, say, liver & onions or beets in front of me, I can guarantee that you would wait a LOOONG time before I would take one taste.

Some kids eat everything, & some kids are more particular. In a lot of cases it is nothing the parents did or didn't do, just the kids' own personal tastes.

I am glad the kid was not permanently traumatized!


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

what about just putting the food on the table and letting the child choose to eat from the plate what he wants? as long as all of the food is healthy...

as for treats, ds doesn't get them if he doesn't eat "real food" - and the treats are basically healthy, too, but he won't get all natural organic ice cream with no food coloring or high fructose corn syrup or whatever in it if he doesn't try to eat "real food" first. If he's hungry, he'll eat food he likes. If he's not, he won't.

I just don't get the "try a bite" thing - it just sounds to me like it can become a control issue and the food provider can get really insistent and the eater can get distressed or stubborn - who likes to be forced to do anything?

I'm sure some of my food issues have stemmed from being told to eat something I didn't want to, or not being allowed to eat something else that was on the table that I wanted to bc I didn't eat something else first.

Just put out healthy food, and leave it at that.


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starr*
When I watch my niece, whose 6, she knows that in my house she has to abide by my rules. Not to sound like we're strict or overbearing, but my sister lets her get away with sooo much stuff that she realizes she can't get away with it with me. When we have her over to eat, which is at least once a week, the rule of thumb is "For however many years old you are thats how many bites you have to try something". I know it sounds like a lot but we started this rule when she was 2. So now she is used to it and knows she needs to take six bites.

I don't think asking him to take one bite is bad. If it were me and he spit it out I probably wouldn't have given him a treat or something to that effect to let him know that is not acceptable. Then if he made a big fuss over not getting a treat I would ask him to take a bite first and give him a second chance. Especially if you feel that you may be watching him in the future, you want him to know that he must at least take a bite. HTH.










With all due respect that you believe you are doing the right thing, I see this m.o. as extremely controlling and NOT taking the child's point of view into account. Just because someone is an infant or a little child doesn't mean that when they are holding an idea contrary to yours they should be forced into doing it your way.

Would you do that to a 20 year old? A 38 year old?

If you forced me to take 38 bites of lima beans, I would probably start to have renal failure.

And, if you allow an adult to not eat something, why? Why a different standard?


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## cjr (Dec 2, 2003)

I wouldn't be so concerned about him not eating it, but his behavior would have me concerned. It sounds like he has to blow a tantrum and treat adults with disrespect just to get his own way, and is allowed to do it. Perhaps that's why he does not like fruits and vegetables. He has never been given a real opportunity to try them. Blow a fit and all is good in the world. I would have asked him to try it. I would have told him that if he didn't like it then that would be ok. I would not have allowed him to disrespect me like that. Spitting on food is total disrespect and not acceptable from a 4yo. I would have thanked him for trying it and then delt with his outburst.

I may sound hard, but I'm really not IRL. I just can't stand it when kids are allowed to treat adults terribly. I think you did the right thing by asking him to try it.


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## brijenn (Feb 12, 2005)

I have a dayhome so I am used to feeding many kids. I also do the "taste it" rule and pretty quickly the kids learn that they are to at least try what is offered before refusing and it works very well.

He was in your home and needs to abide by your rules. I don't see any problem with you asking him to have a bite. Each child is different - my daughter often tells me she doesn't like even her most favorite foods just to be difficult. I constantly encourage her to take one bite as I know once she has that one bite, she will see that she likes it and eat the rest.

It's not like you tied him to the chair, forced his mouth open and shoved a piece of pear in - that would be overstepping a bit but is sounds to me like this boy may need a bit of encoragement when it comes to eating to help get over his fear of some foods.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sohj*
Would you do that to a 20 year old? A 38 year old?

Right.

I wouldn't.

Nor would I to anyone of any age.

I try to respect children like any other human.

I remember well when I was a child that I would never forget how I felt when an adult didn't listen to me or respect my feelings, so that when I grew up I could treat other young people with the same respect that I so desired early on.

oh, and, I wouldn't call a tantrum or spitting disrespectul - I'd call it childlike behavior (which probably would not have happened if the child was respected in the first place). But when behavior like this _does_ happen, my response leans towards nurturing the child rather than punishing or admonishing the behavior. I find that children respond more positively when their feelings are handled this way.


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

The "try one bite" thing is a power struggle and a power trip.

We just have always set an example within our family of eating a very varied diet.

But, there are things our pixie doesn't like right now. Sometimes he changes his mind. It is no trouble for us to keep the options open.

When other kids come over, I don't have to make them do things our way. If someone is really obstreperous, there are other ways of defusing the situation. Getting involved in a power struggle is exhausting, throws off the whole visit and opens one up to tantrums and upping the ante.

Think tai chi instead.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

fear of foods: I believe is more easily overcome when a child is given the space and time to warm up to the idea of eating the food.

pretending not to like foods: this could be a child's way to control parts of his life when he has so little control over most of his life.

children will eat what they need and get proper nutrition as long as a variety of healthy food is offered; they may not try everything, but they will eat some of it.


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## Goddess3_2005 (Oct 20, 2004)

I usually try to fix things that all the kids will like. But in our house we have a rule, mom cooks one meal, if you choose not to eat it, thats fine, but you won't get another meal. I think it works well because I have very non-picky eaters whos favorite foods include things like broccoli and asparagus :LOL Even if they don't like a meal they will still clean their plate, and if a meal is not particually popular I usually don't make it again.


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## LovemyBoo (Oct 11, 2004)

I try to accomodate other kids as best we can with what we've got. In your situation I would've told the child he didn't have to eat the pear and to give it to ds if he didn't want it. I won't let anyone eat junk for lunch, or what we have that passes for junk, but aside from that they can do whatever they want right down to leaving all the food and not eating anything.









I don't think you did anything wrong. Asking him to try it wasn't the worst thing in the world. And it sounds like you had no way to anticipate his reaction. Well, now you know.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PJsmomma*
Well, he finally licked it

I don't think she just asked him... I get the impression that she was really encouraging him...


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

: First of all I believe a lot of it depends on the child. Each child has certain quirks and limitations. My niece is not a picky eater but when given a plate of food say asparagus and leftover chicken I find that even though she likes asparagus she will just eat a lot of chicken until she is full. Also by having her try things more than once she sometimes will find that the more she tries it the more she likes it. I realize this won't work with every child but is there ever a guideline that works with every child. I don't think so. I certainly wouldn't critique someone else for enforcing a rule that I didn't agree with. Just my $.02.


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## brijenn (Feb 12, 2005)

:


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

my sister was an extremely picky eater.

my mom just went with it... she would wipe the cheese and sauce off pizza; rinse food; basically just serve her what she would eat, while continuing to have other healthy options available.

she wasn't making two meals - we all ate the same stuff; my sister just had her food "doctored"

Now, my adult sister eats just about anything









ETA: here's the weird part I just thought of: my mom was doing this for my sister; meanwhile she was curtailing my overly active appetite!! I was a chunky kid and my sisters were rails. So, I got the eating problems (which I've basically overcome) but my sisters did not.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

I'm imagining myself at this age, sitting at a table at, say MIL's house, and she has just made a meal I don't like. She always puts the food on the plates, so I have no choice about how much or what I get.

If she or my DH or anyone else insisted that I "take one bite" of any of it, I probably would not be happy about it.

Ok, even if I liked the food... please don't tell me what to eat! If I'm hungry and it appeals to me, I'll eat it.


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *brijenn*
...Thread-jacking and bullying people who reply to a post is though, IMHO.









Thread-jacking? I was answering the OP. And that is the nature of threads, people reply to posts on that thread.


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## brijenn (Feb 12, 2005)

:


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *brijenn*
...You don't know me and I don't know you, but if I was to judge you by one thread I would say you are a very ignorant person who seems to thrive on control more then any of us "just take one bite" parents but it would be unfair of me to judge you since like I said, I don't know you.

I hope you hope over to http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...01#post3145101 and take a look.










I think you are missing the point.


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

Well said Brijen!


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

brijenn, you have been "!"'d


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *brijenn*
Great - that works for you but it doesn't for me. Is that hard to understand? I was a very picky eater and was never encouraged to try new foods and grew up in fear of foods. I am not interested in that happending with my children. I tried the leave out food and let her decide and for her - it just didn't work but encouraging her to try foods has. "Take one bite" is not a power trip. .

The thread is about what you do when SOMEONE ELSE's kid comes over to eat. I imagine when you're 4 it has gotta feel pretty wierd eating at someone elses house, much less having someone elses Mommy trying to feed you stuff you don't like, when really all you probably want to do is eat something familiar so you don't feel so uncomfortable.
If you want to do the whole "you have to eat this many bites thing" or the "you HAVE to at least try it thing" with your kids, have at it. But trying to push that on a 4yo guest seems like its a reciepe for disaster, as happened with the OP.
I don't see how that idea was "hijacking the thread" at all.


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## brijenn (Feb 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UrbanPlanter*
brijenn, you have been "!"'d

Should I be scared? Oh and thanks for proving my point.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

We are discussing whether it is appropriate to force children to try bites of food they have said they don't want. I think the whole "I do what works for me" thing can be used as an excuse for a whole lotta bad parenting. It's a cop out.

I am surprised to see people on MDC advocating forcing children to food they don't want.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *brijenn*
Should I be scared? Oh and thanks for proving my point.

Brijenn - It's not about being scared. Attacking people and namecalling is against the UA. Might I suggest you re-read it?


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## brijenn (Feb 12, 2005)

:


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

3 "!"s for you brijenn

I fear this thread's days are numbered.....


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *brijenn*
Ok, I looked at it but I don't get it. What am i supposed to be getting from it? Something about because you have a lot of posts and have been a long time member I am supposed to just let you pick at my posts and tell me I am on a power trip with my kids? Have I been sent to the principals office?

Heavens, no, brijenn. Post count means nothing. Check out the post counts of some of the "old-timers" on that thread.

It had to do with the _text_ of that thread: What Was So Different? And people answered. It was along the lines of how we used to actually question things we all posted. How lots of us re-examined what we thought was "right".

That's all. I just was trying to point out that getting contradicted doesn't mean one is being attacked.









I chose simonee's post particularly because I thought she put it very well.


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## brijenn (Feb 12, 2005)

:


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## jplain (Aug 17, 2003)

This has been a useful thread for me.

Haven't had to deal with this yet, as DD is only 19 months. But I do know that now I'll make a point of letting other parents know how we deal with offering foods, to try to avoid any conflict.

Out of curiosity, to the OP, would you mind if a parent asked you not to apply your "one bite" rule to their visiting child?








Carolyn


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

If anyone is insulted, please let me know and I will apologize.
It is never my intention to insult.

My approach is to share my personal experiences and approach to the topic being discussed in a given thread. I do not endeavor to attack a person or dissect what they say; if what I say does offend I would like to be told by whomever is offended.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

Woah! What is going on here? There were some very thoughtful posts and now there are personal attacks!? Urban Planter is one of the kindest and most patient posters here. I'm really shocked at the behavior of some of the posters on this thread. I see you haven't been here long and yes, maybe you need to re-re-read the UA. I'm not seeing in anyway that sohj was highjacking the thread and bullying. These are absolutely *not* behaviors that these posters have ever displayed and I don't see them displaying those behaviors on this thread either.

I am very facinated by such strong reactions to simple statements and suggestions though. Where is all this defensiveness coming from?

I will answer the OP in a separate post...I really hope all of the yelling and personal attacking will stop ASAP! Not cool at all.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

In response to the OP:

I have often encouraged my kids to try something (well, one of my kids...the other two will try anything) by saying "Why don't you just take one bite to make sure you *don't* like it." It's just an idea to put out there. He often will. He is usually right though he has occasionally been pleasantly surprised.







I would never force the issue. With all of the eating disorders "nowadays" I'm very, very leary of trying to control what and how my kids are eating.

For *my own* kids I do put everything I made on the plate (only the tiniest, tinest bit if it's something that they usually don't like) so that's it's available if they decide to try it.

With other people's kids I usually do things buffet style where they can grab what they want off a plate or make their own plate. If I'm making their plate I just ask what they'd like on it (just like I do when making anyone's plate). I don't think it's my place to try and work on anything with kids unless their parents specifically asked me to...and even then it would have to be something I felt comfortable with.


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama*
Yeah I think you handled the spitting well too, but I wouldn't have requested he try it, especially not if he was already close to tears.

I think it's the parent/caregiver's job to "show up with the food" and the child's to decide whether to eat or taste it. I encourage my dd to taste things I think she will like, but I don't force the issue. Same with other people's kids - I usually ask "Would you like some ___?" If not I offer something else.









:


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

I am a picky eater grown up now. My second ds is picky eater...

We encourage our children to try new things, but do not do more than ask "Are you sure you wouldn't like to try a little bite?" If they don't want to, we don't push it.

With someone else's child I would extra careful. He may have been crying because he was scared. I would have just said "Okay, you don't have to have any pear." Then let him eat what he liked that you had.

FWIW, ds#2 has now eaten raw eel, sauteed frog legs, sushi and any number of things that *I* am hesitant to try. Well, I did try the raw eel and sushi, but drew the line at frog legs. But my point is, my kids don't push me, either. If I say "No" to something they offer me, they respect that...just like we have tried to respect their comfort levels with trying new things.

I don't think anyone is trying to attack the mamas who have a one bite rule. I think we are just trying to tell you that there is another way to do this and why.

Power struggles over food can lead to eating disorders. Most kids will pick and choose the foods that they need. And many children do not like fruits and veggies. You just have to be creative about presenting good food to them. One mama made some popsicles that had carrot juice in them...and her dd loves them!


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## Jessica36 (Oct 14, 2003)

To the OP:

Personally if you had done that to me at that age, I would have refused and asked you to call my mom. I knew at 4 what foods I liked and didn't like. And the one and only time someone told me I HAD to take a bite of something I ended up horking my entire meal back up on the table as I so didn't like it, but I was trying to make my friends mommy like me as well as my friend.

Kids aren't mini-adults and I will be SURE to tell my 5 yo's friends parents that if he says he doesn't like it, go with it, if he gives you a lot of problems call me. SO what would I do, NOT push the issue 4 yo's have feelings and while he may have not run screaming from you, he may also tell his mom that he doesn't want to come over during meal times cause you don't respect his feelings.

To the other's that have issues with these posts, GREAT it works for your kid, don't EVER try that with my kids. They follow my rules and I DO NOT force them to try anything unless I try it myself. And if they have once, they can decide if they want to again. Besides the fact that with Z's food allergies, you deciding that something is safe with out contacting me to make sure could kill him, I definetly wouldn't, course I send my own food. That way I don't have to worry if you touched one of his allergens then the food that you deemed "safe" for him, KWIM?


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tinybutterfly*
One mama made some popsicles that had carrot juice in them...and her dd loves them!

what a great idea! I'm gonna try that


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UrbanPlanter*
what a great idea! I'm gonna try that









It was mamag...and she is making up some concoction with blueberries and spinach! She's something isn't she?!?


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## Oh the Irony (Dec 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *brijenn*
Ok, I looked at it but I don't get it. What am i supposed to be getting from it? Something about because you have a lot of posts and have been a long time member I am supposed to just let you pick at my posts and tell me I am on a power trip with my kids? Have I been sent to the principals office?


it is called a discussion board. we discuss.


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## splendid (Jul 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PJsmomma*
But I'm wondering what do you do when other kids are eating with you?


I have gotten into the habit of asking friends to bring some kind of meal if they will be gone during a mealtime. I do it for my ds if he goes over to someone's home so I ask the same when someone is coming over. When it comes to snack we have a lot and I mean a lot of healthy snacks in our home (cheese, homemade puddings, breads, fruit skins, granola bars) to offer. I just make sure to let my friends know what I have and in the end what I offered.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wolfmama*
it is called a discussion board. we discuss.

That and...well...perhaps some of the newer members don't really understand what Mothering is all about (what it stands for, what the goals are, what is not acceptable etc.). Are you familiar with the magazine?


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## fullofgrace (Nov 26, 2002)

Quote:

*What do you do when you're feeding other people's children?*
1) I check with the child's parent to find out what foods are on their approved/disapproved list.
2) I check with the parent to find out if his/her child has any known food allergies or food sensitivities.
3) I ask the parent if his/her child has any particular likes/dislikes.
4) I share with the parent what our mealtime/snacktime routine consists of and what I was thinking of serving - not to get permission, but as a "head's up" so they can offer input or provide their own kiddo's snack if they prefer.
5) I offer several choices trying to be sure to include something they like, but _require_ none.
6) I respect the wishes (in this case, food likes and dislikes) of someone else's child. I do not push any kind of "mealtime values" onto my children's friends. Giving respect to my friends' children shows that I respect my friend, their parent.

I do all of those so I can be sure to offer safe and friendly food choices that will make both the child AND his/her parent comfortable and cared for during mealtime, or ANY time, spent in my home.


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## Oh the Irony (Dec 14, 2003)

I'm pretty mellow. I'll normally give the kids a few choices and see what they want. I would try to get them to eat the same thing, but if they did not agree then I would make something different for each of them. Of course, the choices offered would be easy, simple things.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

To the OP:

Well, I do with other people's kids the same thong I do for my own- I cook 1 meal, and I have at least 1 thing everyone likes. No one is forced to try anything. They serve themselves.

I can't imagine forcing or even pressuring a child to put something in their mouths against their will. That seems to be an incredible violation of their person to me.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

When I feed other peoples kids all I really do is check if there are any food allergies. Don't want to a trip to the emergency room!!

Seriously, I make one meal for everybody and the kids either eat or don't eat as they see fit. If they don't like 100% of what is being served (which almost never happens) they can get themselves something else that doesn't involve me cooking another meal i.e.: cottage cheese, some fruit etc. I never force, cajole, encourage, entice or reward. But I also never stop offering. Just because my son says he doesn't like pears one day doesn't mean he might not like them another. However, forcing him to take one bite is just going to guarantee that it will be struggle to ever get him to try it again on his own.

edited to add: I highly reccomend reading "How to get your kids to eat....but no too much" or "Child of Mine, feeding with love and good sense". Forcing kids to eat is just one step closer to eating disorder.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

I forget who said this, but I like the poster's mom who rinsed sauce off pizza, etc for her child... my son is very particular about certain things- textures & spices... when we have spaghetti I strain his so he will eat it, & if we eat something that has "pieces" in it I don't make a big deal if he does not eat it or if he painstakingly picks through it to get every speck of parsley out of the way...

If he ate lunch somewhere else & I found out that he was forcibly encouraged to try a food after he said he did not like it, I would be livid.

As far as the kid's behavior being bad, in reference to spitting the pear out, he TOLD you he did not like it- what did you expect him to do? *I* would spit something out, too, if it tasted yucky to me.

I don't understand why you posted this thread, ASKING us what we do when we feed other kids- if you did not want to hear what we do. If you wanted a thread of only smiles & nods you should have posted, "support only, making kids eat one bite of every food," ya know?

I also wanted to say, I forget who posted that they make a kid try one bite of food for every year of the kid's age... THAT is really excessive, when you consider the size of a six year old's stomach. Say you have fish, peas, & macaroni & cheese, whole wheat of course







~ that is a lot of food for a tiny stomach. A good way to force overeating & obesity IMO.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *joesmom*
they make a kid try one bite of food for every year of the kid's age... THAT is really excessive, when you consider the size of a six year old's stomach.









This may seem like a good idea for whatever reason at first but if you can just step back and really examine it you'll see how arbritrary it is.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Although I do encourage my DD to try everything once, I only would feel comfortable doing that with another child under very specific circumstances. The circumstance would have to be that the child seemed interested but a little reluctant. In that case, I might say, "you can take a small taste and if you don't like it, you don't have to eat the rest." I would be more encouraging of the fact that they don't have to eat it if they start it then pressuring them to try it.

But if the child's eyes were filled with tears and he obviously seemed distressed, I wouldn't.


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## tracymom (Mar 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *joesmom*
I don't understand why you posted this thread, ASKING us what we do when we feed other kids- if you did not want to hear what we do. If you wanted a thread of only smiles & nods you should have posted, "support only, making kids eat one bite of every food," ya know?

I don't think the OP has been back. I think the poster you are addressing is not the OP. (unless I missed something, forgive me if I'm mistaken)

Anyway, it's been interesting to read other approaches. I liked FOG's list of items. We do have the "try one bite rule" at our house; like a previous poster, my kids (particularly DS1) would NEVER try anything new if I hadn't instituted the "one taste" rule a long time ago. It was like a strange fear or something. We worked a long time at overcoming that and now it's just old hat for them to do it. My rationale is that this was required of me as a child and it got me in the habit of trying new foods. DH was not asked or encouraged to try new foods once dislike was expressed and when we met was very picky and had a pretty limited diet. 21 years of being with me (the try one bite girl - yes, I still do it) has changed all that for him and now he is more adventurous than I am! DS1 now gets quite excited if he tries something and finds that he likes it after previously disliking it, and we celebrate finding a new food to enjoy together.

However, that being said, I check with the parents of guests to find out what their house rules are, and I try to respect that. (Well, obviously within limits; I don't care if they have the rule of "you sit there till you eat it," that ain't happening at my house!) It sounds to me like the OP took a pretty good middle of the road approach, particularly with her reaction and matter-of-factness with the incident.


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## cjr (Dec 2, 2003)

I don't understand what all the fuss is about. Seriously. The OP didn't force feed this child anything, she asked if he would try it. What is wrong with that? There is nothing wrong with asking a child to try something. Food was not shoved down his throat. It wasn't an entire meal that the child didn't like, but one piece of food.

I also ran a dayhome. I made one meal and that was it. If I accomidated all the kids' likes and dislikes I would have spent the whole day in the kitchen. I don't force my kids to eat anything they don't like, nor would I force anyone else's child. However, asking a child to try something is completely acceptable IMO.

As far as being in someone elses home and not following their routines is rediculous. If you don't like the routines or rules of the home, then don't leave your child there. Plain and simple. I would not upset my own guidlines with my children just because there was another child present. This is my home and my family. My kids don't rule the house and neither will someone elses child. I have limits set for a reason. I certainly try to make other children welcome and comfortable. If you are going to leave your kids with someone make sure you have the same ideas as each other. It's not fair to expect that your chld be allowed to rule in someone elses home. It's not fair to the family they are spending time with.

If I had another parent upset at me because I asked their child to try something, I would most likely just laugh and say perhaps you should ask someone else to watch him. It is such a small thing to get upset over. If my daughter said "so and so asked if I would try some pear, but I don't like pear" I would just say that there is nothing wrong with trying something just to make sure you don't like it. However, if dd came to me and said "so and so made me eat some pear by feeding it to me or taking a privilage away if I didn't try it", then I would be very upset. See the difference?


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

But she didn't "just" ask the child to try something. She pushed and pushed, even though the child was near tears. Do you honestly not see the difference?

ETA: Looking back, I see that the OP didn't actually push all that hard. Still, I don't feel it is respectful of a child to try to make them eat something they don't want to eat. And I think alot of the issues on this thread are other people saying they do force their children to eat.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

Yes, what Annette said. I think the only "fuss" was from a couple of new members who didn't agree with some posts they read. Also, I think a lot of people are responding to the members who got angry and their approaches more than they are responding to the OP now.


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## PJsmomma (Apr 21, 2003)

I _don't understand why you posted this thread, ASKING us what we do when we feed other kids- if you did not want to hear what we do. If you wanted a thread of only smiles & nods you should have posted, "support only, making kids eat one bite of every food," ya know?_

Yep, wasn't me--I'm the OP--I didn't have a problem with anyone's replies but I'm slightly confuzzled how it ended up being a fight between others







:

I did pop in to say that when I re-read it DID sound like I sat on him and forced it down his throat--which I did not do.

This little boy has known us since the day he was born--my son and he were born on the same day--we're friends--he's completely comfortable in my home so he wasn't scared--it wasn't weird for him to be with us.

But I wasn't expecting him and didn't have anything other than our food.

My family had HUGE food issues and I have a weight problem so I'm actually very careful about food power struggles and making kid's clean their plate, and making dessert a reward. I didn't do that--he got his ice cream, I didn't yell at him for spitting, I didn't make him have anymore.

I just asked what you all do, but I can promise you there was nothing mean about it--now like a pp mentioned I know he'll fall apart and I won't ask him to taste anything.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

You sound like you really care about this little guy!


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## ibahippiemama (Aug 24, 2003)

Well, at the risk of sounding like an old lady, I must say that we kind of go with the flow of our kids. I do not watch other people's kids. My nephew is the same age as one of my boys. I was babysitting while my sis worked nights. Dn was saying he did not like cabbage. I only make one meal, guess what he likes, yep, cabbage. I also had some other nieces and nephews who pulled the crying, spitting, and being disrespectful thing with me. I was not having that, If you did not want it that was fine but no tears no spitting and no being disrespectful. These kids were used to crying to get their way. They also hated alot of foods, not because they did not like them, but because they had never had them before. That's just my .02. Some kids are just not used to eating the things that others eat. I know my SIL's kids only eat junk and look at my kids crazy for eating fruits and veggies. Would I push them to eat like my kids, no. Would I ask them if they wanted to try something, yes, if they said no, so be it.

love and blessings
angie


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## tracymom (Mar 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie*
Still, I don't feel it is respectful of a child to try to make them eat something they don't want to eat. And I think alot of the issues on this thread are other people saying they do force their children to eat.

Still a bit off topic (as I've already said what I think about the OP's situation), I think there is a huge difference between having a house rule that the child taste something and forcing a child to eat. I also think age makes a huge difference, as well. They have to be arriving at the age of being able to reason, otherwise it's just pointless and completely a control issue.

To be honest, yes, it's partly a control issue with me. I wish them to develop a habit of being open to new foods, and the only way I see to create and reinforce this habit is to actually do it. I don't require more than a tiny taste from either of them. When we go to potlucks or buffets or to our favorite Egyptian restaurant, I always let them know when *I* am tasting something new to me. And it's not every meal, you know? I do try, like AM said, to have at least one thing everybody likes. I don't enforce it when eating out. We try to not make a big deal out of it, and for the most part it isn't. We've only had one or two really bad scenes over it.

And yeah, DS1 once caused himself to gag after tasting something - the same child who had swallowed liquid Phenergan without a qualm (surely the most hideous tasting substance on the planet). I reminded him that I would never feed him food that tasted worse than that medicine and that he had caused his own gagging by his fear. He hasn't done that since.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

But if you pressure a child enough, or emotionally manipulate them, isn't that the essentially forcing them? After all, you're the mama- they want to please you.

Life has gotten alot simpler since we adopted our new "meal plan".


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## tracymom (Mar 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie*
But if you pressure a child enough, or emotionally manipulate them, isn't that the essentially forcing them? After all, you're the mama- they want to please you.

Life has gotten alot simpler since we adopted our new "meal plan".

I would have to admit some truth in this. I also have to admit that yes, I probably do emotionally manipulate my children.







: However, I don't always think that's a bad thing, and that's probably the root of our disagreement.

I'm glad that what you are doing is working, and I agree it goes much better when you try to ensure that there is SOMEthing there that each one will like. Much, much nicer for everyone.


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## PareMesAlt (Aug 28, 2003)

I read all four pages of this thread at the suggestion of DW (She even brought me a plate of food while I was reading). If I was impartial I would say there are two camps of thought: the "rule of law" camp and "case by case" camp.

The "rule of law" camp believes in strict adherence to a set of House Rules. The idea being that a household can be run more efficiently and fairly if there is a set of rules, that applies to the children of the house. North american society is basically run by "rule of law". In theory, elected representatives create a set of laws that apply to everyone. However, in reality society doesn't apply all laws to everyone. For example, not all speeders are given tickets. This is a very attractive parenting philosophy in large households.

The "case by case" camp sees house rules as arbitrary. For example, "one bite for every year" means that a 91 year old grandma would probably not be able to get up from the table. Instead, each child should be treated as an individual and arbitrary rules like the "one bite" rules lead to unnecessary power struggles since the parents are the one who make the rules.

My parents had four boys (I was the baby). By the time I came around my parents applied a hybrid parenting philosophy. They tried to make house rules, but there were many exceptions made, and they insisted on keeping up the appearance of everyone being treated fairly. They did not however achieve that by arbitrarily applying house rules. What was important to them was to show us that we were all their favorites and that we were all individuals.

I do not remember any food rules. But I remember my father saying that my mother and my oldest brother had lots of food battles when he was younger. Now he is the only one with food issues and allergies.


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## cjr (Dec 2, 2003)

Quote:

And I think alot of the issues on this thread are other people saying they do force their children to eat.
Nope, I don't seet this. Asking a child to taste and forcing a child to eat are totally different things. I ask my children to taste. I don't make them taste. I ask them to taste. I read a lot of mama's doing the same. I can not see in any post someone writing that they force or make their child eat something they don't like. I see mama's writing saying that they ask their children to taste things they may not like or have never tried.

My dd has gone from not liking sweet peppers, beans, asparagus, broccoli and raw spinach...to loving them. Why? Because we ask her to continue to try it whenever it's being served. Kids' palets change and evolve.

Again, please refer to a poster writing that they force or make their children eat food they do not like. Remember, asking to taste is not the same as forcing. It's not like she made a big bowl of chili and asked him to eat it because that's what was for dinner and he HAD to eat it. It was a taste of a piece of pear.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cjr*
Again, please refer to a poster writing that they force or make their children eat food they do not like. Remember, asking to taste is not the same as forcing. It's not like she made a big bowl of chili and asked him to eat it because that's what was for dinner and he HAD to eat it. It was a taste of a piece of pear.

You know what- I am not going to go through this thread and list, post by post, the things I have a problem with.

I have stated that, in my opinion, pushing a child to even take a taste, is not treating them respectfully. We offer food at every meal, we don't push our children or pressure them at all, and they try new things in their own time. When you push a child (especially one who already has tears in their eyes) to put something they don't want to in their mouth, you are exerting a manipulative pressure on them, even if it's a gentle one, to do something they don't want to do just so they can please you. We don't parent that way. We tell them what things are, ask if they want a little piece. If they don't, no biggie.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cjr*
Again, please refer to a poster writing that they force or make their children eat food they do not like.


Quote:

"For however many years old you are thats how many bites you have to try something".

...she needs to take six bites.


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## Mothra (Jun 4, 2002)

There is a power imbalance between a child and an adult. If I ask another adult to taste something, my guess is that the adult will feel free to say no. Kids often do not, especially if his or her parent has said, "Now, you listen to Miss So-and-So while I'm gone."

I would be really upset if I found out that someone made my kid eat something he didn't want. After an altercation between two of my neighbors in CA I have stopped letting my 7yo eat at his friends' houses unless I've had a detailed conversation about his eating habits. He is rather picky and we force him to eat nothing. If he doesn't like what we're having, which is often, he can wait until my husband or I am done and we'll make him a sandwich or something else easy. (If my husband or I doesn't like what the other makes, we do the same thing.)

I would not have asked the child to taste anything. Kids generally know what they like and what they don't. I think asking once is okay, I still don't like it, but some of the other stuff on this thread is really too much.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PJsmomma*
I _don't understand why you posted this thread, ASKING us what we do when we feed other kids- if you did not want to hear what we do. If you wanted a thread of only smiles & nods you should have posted, "support only, making kids eat one bite of every food," ya know?_

Yep, wasn't me--I'm the OP--I didn't have a problem with anyone's replies but I'm slightly confuzzled how it ended up being a fight between others







:

I did pop in to say that when I re-read it DID sound like I sat on him and forced it down his throat--which I did not do.

This little boy has known us since the day he was born--my son and he were born on the same day--we're friends--he's completely comfortable in my home so he wasn't scared--it wasn't weird for him to be with us.

But I wasn't expecting him and didn't have anything other than our food.

My family had HUGE food issues and I have a weight problem so I'm actually very careful about food power struggles and making kid's clean their plate, and making dessert a reward. I didn't do that--he got his ice cream, I didn't yell at him for spitting, I didn't make him have anymore.

I just asked what you all do, but I can promise you there was nothing mean about it--now like a pp mentioned I know he'll fall apart and I won't ask him to taste anything.

















Oops. Sorry about that.














:


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Okay I want to jump in here if I may! I want to address the OP as well as also speak a bit about what else has been going on here!!

Okay, as far as the OP...how I have handled other people's children and how I plan to handle my own, is that they are free to eat whatever is in my house. Yes, anything, unless it is illegal (i.e. liquor)... this forces us to buy and eat mostly healthy things, as well as creating (imo) healthy habits---nothing is *off limits* or *a treat when you've eaten REAL food* or any things like that. You may think if that is the case, well the child will eat ice cream ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY *omg*!!! Nah, I have yet to see that happen with anyone or thier children who have that same kind of household thing.

My only thing with other people's kids are, obviously allergies! Also, if their parent is not for something--like say snack cakes or something, I wouldn't offer---but we don't have foods like that in our house anyway!!!! Lastly, we are strict vegetarians and we won't offer meat. I really think that people who want us to watch their children will respect that and not tell us little Johnny MUST have steak for lunch or he will have a fit...most children are fine with a vegetarian meal...

That is about it though.. no *just one bite* ... no anything... I will offer foods.. maybe gently suggest or say something like "these are green beans if you would like to try them" (or whatever) then take some for myself and move on...

I am SO not into food rules. I really am not at all. Okay, this is MY PERSONAL OPINION and I am not trying to judge anyone in particular on this board or say anything like they are bad parents or whatever... but my PERSONAL view... is that food rules are manipulative, often punitive, arbitrary and most times, plain weird...it is a complete control issue. It is my firm belief through years of observing children that rarely...I said rarely (so please don't tell me about your third cousin who starved himself because his mom never forced food) starve themselves ....most children will eat when hungry (barring medical problems that might make it harder)...

Also, it is my firm opinion that when people say "my child won't eat ANYTHING but complete junk!!!" Most likely all they are offering is junk.. I believe that if I am offering my child basically healthy foods at basically every meal and that is basically all they know... they will eat... it is human nature really...they might have their preferences, like they might never touch a certain veggie and always eat a certain fruit or whatever---but they are not going to go on hunger strike for days and days.. believe me... it is not rocket science. Humans eat when they are hungry.

I also know that children know what they like and what they don't like and I am not about to have a power struggle with a 4 year old who doesn't want to try something. What do I care? Really, honestly, what is it to me that a freaking 4 year old doesn't want to try something??

I guess I am just way mellow about things like this....

As for my child, I would only ask that people respect their allergies (obviously!) and that they respect our nearly vegan lifestyle (for our child that is)...and I am ALWAYS willing to provide food that I know my child likes and will eat if the caretaker is confused as to what to offer etc...

Just my take, for what it's worth


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

The thing that concerns me in the original post is the poster's attitude towards this child. She really seems to have worked from a pre-conceived judgement of the child's eating habits, and she seems to want to change them/make a point.

Notice the mad smilie:

Quote:

I know my friend's son says he doesn't like fruit (or veggies
She also seems to have a problem with the child's personality/behavior.
Notice the sarcasm:

Quote:

He right away started with the big cow eyes brimming with tears
That description of the poor boy is very disturbing to me. Where's the empathy?

She also seems to have very high expectations for a 4 year-old:

Quote:

I was like oh my word!

Quote:

My son had eaten a whole pear and was looking at his friend funny and we went on with lunch and no more about the pear.
Perhaps her son was looking at his friend funny because he felt sorry for him -- yet she seems to interpret his look as something else.

I'm just not sure this is an issue, for her, about what to do when other people's kids come to eat. I think she needs to re-examine what her attitudes were toward this boy.

I really don't mean to sound so harsh. But almost every sentence in the OP is very striking.

To answer your question, I would discard any ill feelings I have towards the other parent's feeding practices and try to approach the child in an empathic, loving way, allowing him to make the choices he feels are appropriate for his well-being.


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## cathe (Nov 17, 2002)

Hey everyone - I just got home and got all the reported posts. All the disrespectful posts will have to be edited - I'll edit them out tomorrow but if anyone wants to go ahead and edit your post on your own, that would be great.

Thanks for your patience.


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## PJsmomma (Apr 21, 2003)

Hey PM you have greatly misunderstood me--I realize you don't know me IRL and that's ok--just don't worry about me ok? I'm a very loving empathetic friend and caregiver as well as parent









I already came back and said that I won't ask him to taste anything in the future. I also told his mom what occurred--she knows me and trusts me and is bringing him over on Sat. so.... I thank all those who gave input


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm not trying to judge you as a person. I think what you wrote and how you wrote it had a lot of unconscious messages in it, that's all. Something to examine.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PM*
I'm not trying to judge you as a person. I think what you wrote and how you wrote it had a lot of unconscious messages in it, that's all. Something to examine.

















I think that is why I had such a strong reaction to this thread, the way you worded the OP reminded me of how my son would have reacted if someone made him try something. (Not pear, he loves pears...







)


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## cathe (Nov 17, 2002)

Brijenn - thanks so much for editing. I really appreciate your help.

Anyway - it seems like this tread was back on track. Thanks everybody.


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## SoHappy (Nov 19, 2001)

I don't believe in pushing food on kids. I also don't believe in not offering certain foods due to previous experience about what a child will or won't eat. Kids change.

According to the mother of a little boy who visits us, there's very little he'll eat, so she feeds him the same things over and over. At our house, I provide something I know he likes as well as other things. She was so surprised to learn that he likes bell peppers, smoothies with vegetables in them, pumpkin seeds, homemade granola bars, and several other things.

I feel my job is to provide things that allow the child to make healthy choices. The child's job is to choose.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

:

Also, you really and truly have to only feed them and offer them the good stuff. Things with high salt and sugar really do alter their taste buds and then nothing tastes good to them anymore. I've met a lot of parents who think their child doesn't like anything but it's because they're so loaded up on salty crackers and juice that nothing tastes as good anymore, kwim?


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

I am sorry if anything I have posted offended anyone. I was just responding to the OP and informing them of what is typical in my house.

I realize that everyone is different when it comes to feeding and having strangers feed their children. That is their perrogative and I have no problem with that, that is what makes us all different. I do however think it was and is a little much to label people control freaks who have serious issues with food over this subject. I am not trying to cause any further controversy, I just wanted to state that personally my feelings were hurt when after responding to just one thread and being considered a "newbie" I am now viewed as a control freak. I don't feel that the number of posts you have determines how much credit your thoughts should be given, everyone at one point who is here now was been new to this forum just like me.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *joesmom*







I think that is why I had such a strong reaction to this thread, the way you worded the OP reminded me of how my son would have reacted if someone made him try something. (Not pear, he loves pears...







)









me too

BTW - to anyone who might be on the defensive - no one knows you better than you do; I try to maintain my confidence in myself and hold on to my integrity. This keeps me from worrying about what other people think about me or my posts - and I don't get defensive bc of this.

So much can be read into the words we type here. More often than not, a person reading a post applies personal experience or points of view to the message, which can adjust its meaning in many different ways.


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## tracymom (Mar 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UrbanPlanter*
So much can be read into the words we type here. More often than not, a person reading a post applies personal experience or points of view to the message, which can adjust its meaning in many different ways.









: Always pays to keep that in mind.


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## 4cornersmamma (Aug 29, 2004)

You all have made some good points.

In my house, I am not a short order cook. I make one meal which I thoughtfully plan to suit both the kids and the nutritional requirements I have for my family - like another poster wrote - and they can eat it or not. My kids have 2-3 snacks a day and rarely go over 3 hours without eating, so I don't think they are going to starve. If there is something that my kids really don't like then I try to be sensitive towards them in future meal planning.

The rule in our house is called the *"green eggs and ham rule".* My kids do have to try any new food at least once. I would like to put this in perspective. It's not like we're trying to make them eat some exotic smelling food, most of the food I know how to cook really well is Americanized - so there isn't a strong smell or funky thing like that. Actually most of the time she actually LIKES the food once she tries it.









I also would like to put a disclaimer on this post. Not everything is going to work for everyone. This is what works for me and what my DH and I think is best for _our_ family.


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

I think encouraging kids to try new foods is wonderful









I dont think the one bite rule is going to cause a eating disorder.









As to the op I dont have a problem at all but I do think that boy was rude.


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## brijenn (Feb 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starr*
I am sorry if anything I have posted offended anyone. I was just responding to the OP and informing them of what is typical in my house.

I realize that everyone is different when it comes to feeding and having strangers feed their children. That is their perrogative and I have no problem with that, that is what makes us all different. I do however think it was and is a little much to label people control freaks who have serious issues with food over this subject. I am not trying to cause any further controversy, I just wanted to state that personally my feelings were hurt when after responding to just one thread and being considered a "newbie" I am now viewed as a control freak. I don't feel that the number of posts you have determines how much credit your thoughts should be given, everyone at one point who is here now was been new to this forum just like me.

Exactly what she said - I just didn't go about saying it very well.


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

Allowing a child the autonomy not to be dictated to on something so small (that often becomes a very large issue) does not mean that one automatically becomes a "short order cook".

Green Eggs and Ham is a good book. But, if I were to actually see someone IRL being SO pushy as Sam is in that book, I would consider that to be "forcing".

Yes, it is good to try new things. But, we should have the right not to try them. I have often heard some of the following:

"Try one bite."
"Just try a little bit."
"One bite won't kill you."
"A little bit won't kill you."
"Here, just take a sip."
"What's wrong with you? _I'm_ having this. It's great."

You know when I've heard these? Two places: At the dining tables of people who impose "house rules" about food on the young ones there (never on the adults -- definately an inequity there) and from people trying to get me to smoke or drink something I don't want.










One could say that the first is "for one's own good" and the second isn't, but I like the idea of allowing a little autonomy.

We tend towards the "House Constitution" with equitably distributed rights rather than "House Rules" that can end up being, frankly, pretty arbitrary.

_____________________________

And, just another point, even though I stated it earlier in the thread, any contradiction is NOT based on this idea of "newbie vs. oldie", nor is it "personal". It is simply based on the apparent opposition to some of the fundamentals of Attachment Parenting. This is an _intellectual_ disagreement.

AP isn't just about slinging and cloth diapers.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:

AP isn't just about slinging and cloth diapers.


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## 4cornersmamma (Aug 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sohj*
Allowing a child the autonomy not to be dictated to on something so small (that often becomes a very large issue) does not mean that one automatically becomes a "short order cook".

Green Eggs and Ham is a good book. But, if I were to actually see someone IRL being SO pushy as Sam is in that book, I would consider that to be "forcing".

Yes, it is good to try new things. But, we should have the right not to try them. I have often heard some of the following:

"Try one bite."
"Just try a little bit."
"One bite won't kill you."
"A little bit won't kill you."
"Here, just take a sip."
"What's wrong with you? _I'm_ having this. It's great."

You know when I've heard these? Two places: At the dining tables of people who impose "house rules" about food on the young ones there (never on the adults -- definately an inequity there) and from people trying to get me to smoke or drink something I don't want.










One could say that the first is "for one's own good" and the second isn't, but I like the idea of allowing a little autonomy.

We tend towards the "House Constitution" with equitably distributed rights rather than "House Rules" that can end up being, frankly, pretty arbitrary.

_____________________________

And, just another point, even though I stated it earlier in the thread, any contradiction is NOT based on this idea of "newbie vs. oldie", nor is it "personal". It is simply based on the apparent opposition to some of the fundamentals of Attachment Parenting. This is an _intellectual_ disagreement.

AP isn't just about slinging and cloth diapers.










Anytime that anyone says one thing will work for everyone (no matter how good the intentions are behind it) I begin to get suspicious.

Why are you on the attack? You are taking my post completely out of context. Please read an entire post before you make a judgement statement. The below statement was at the end of my post. Please read it again.

Quote:

I also would like to put a disclaimer on this post. Not everything is going to work for everyone. This is what works for me and what my DH and I think is best for our family.


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## 4cornersmamma (Aug 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UrbanPlanter*
So much can be read into the words we type here. More often than not, a person reading a post applies personal experience or points of view to the message, which can adjust its meaning in many different ways.











I really think that most of us on here are trying to be the best parents we can be. Personallities of parents and children can be so different that it really doesn't surprise me that the OP wrote in what happened.

There also are many different ways to parent. However, any parenting tecnique needs to be adjusted and tweeked in order for it to work. Not all kids are round pegs that can fit in round holes. I think that as a parent it is my duty to do what works for my family. That is what makes parenting so challenging and so rewarding.

If there was one book on parenting that worked for everyone then we all would have read it and be following it's advice right now. We wouldn't be on this board asking questions, learning and growing personally from the experience of having children.

I think it is so hard to feed other peoples children because we don't have that background and experience with the child like the parents have.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momto l&a*
As to the op I dont have a problem at all but I do think that boy was rude.

How was he rude? The poor boy was clear about his disinterest in eating pear, even before he was encouraged to take a bite. After being pressured to take a bite (and pressure is relative here: what may not seem like pressure to an adult can feel like a lot of pressure to a child who is trying to please or cooperate) the boy became hysterical bc he really doesn't like to eat pears. 4 year olds aren't mature enough to always know how to handle their feelings in a reasonable way; they can still have tantrums when they are at a loss for words. I wouldn't call him or his behavior rude; I'd consider it a not so unusual response from a child his age to the given situation (not that every child would respond this way, of course - but I wouldn't be surprised when a child does). I actually can't say that I've ever experienced rude behavior from a child so young, but I may be missing something ?


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## cozymama (Apr 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PJsmomma*

I know my friend's son says he doesn't like fruit

<cut>

But I'm wondering what do you do when other kids are eating with you?

I think the first part that I quoted from you answers the second part. I can't tell you what to do, but what *I* personally do is listen to the child. That's it. If they say no, it means no. I don't worry too much about the reason- it's not my place to see that the child tries new foods, KWIM?

I have a huge problem with anything that forces a child to eat something (although it doesn't sound like you were equating a "consequence" with it, sometimes just the pressure to please an adult is enough). I would be really upset if someone did that to my son- *but* I also 1)always bring food and 2)always tell the caregiver it's no biggie if he doesn't eat. Not eating one meal won't cause most kids a huge problem (obvious exception for medicial conditions like diabetes, I know!)......

What I would do is (assuming mom brought no food):
1) offer food we are eating
2)offer other food I can easily make (like a sandwich- not making up a souffle though :LOL )
3) offer an older child, like this 4 yr old, the chance to look through my cabinets for a snack. I keep lots of snack stuff low down so my ds can reach it
4) if mom was gone for a few hours I'd repeat my offer

Sure it takes time, and I might even have to make another sandwich or something but it's worth it.....I grew up in a house where food was HUGE issue, resulting in eating disorders, so I am kinda touchy about this


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Wow! What a whole heap o' responses!

I also put out the food and don't care a bit whether they eat or not. I would have a *fit* if i let my 6 yr old go to a playdate and she was strong-armed into eating something she didn't want. A playdate lasts, what? An hour or two? I didn't let my kids go on playdates to cry about *food*. If my child told me they were forced to eat something they didn't want at a playdate, i would no longer trust that family and would not allow playdates there. I'd invite the child to my place, however.

If the playdate is at my house, I will ask the child what they like and if i have it, i will serve it. I tend to have nut butters, fruit, bread, jam, pretzles, cheese, cereal etc on hand. I don't care what the kids want and I've never asked a child who wasn't mine to try something. That's just not my job. Plus, kids need to feel safe to try something new, ---and they can't feel safe when pressure is involved and they are in an unfamiliar place.

There's this one child who can be at my house for hours and hours, and not eat a thing.







I offer, he refuses. I do feel bad thinking I am sending him home with a blod sugar level attack waiting to happen, so i try to make sure he has a little bag of protein and carbs to take with him in the car. thankfully, his mother is cool.

What other families feed their kids is not my issue.

If they ask for soda, i do have to say that i do not have any. But I tend to have enough healthy food in the house for varient desires. :LOL


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## Hey Mama! (Dec 27, 2003)

I watched a friend's ds the other day, and he was here for lunch. I offered him a choice of turkey or pb&j, and an apple or an orange. I would never force a child I was watching to eat something, but I would serve it to him.

I know I'm contradicting myself here but with my oldest dd, food is an issue for her, it always has been. She now automatically goes on the defensive if we offer her something new, and will say "I don't like it" even if she's never had it before. So, we started the one bite rule-she can take a taste and then say "no thank you" if she truly doesn't like it. She has found that she does like some foods using this technique.


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## Hey Mama! (Dec 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
There's this one child who can be at my house for hours and hours, and not eat a thing.







I offer, he refuses.


this is my oldest dd, and I would be livid if someone forced her to eat something, she has food texture issues and would probably barf all over them anyway


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## tracymom (Mar 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rockerbabysmom*
I know I'm contradicting myself here but with my oldest dd, food is an issue for her, it always has been. She now automatically goes on the defensive if we offer her something new, and will say "I don't like it" even if she's never had it before. So, we started the one bite rule-she can take a taste and then say "no thank you" if she truly doesn't like it. She has found that she does like some foods using this technique.

This is exactly the situation with my oldest. He used to say exactly that and I told him he couldn't say that until he had tried it, that until he tried it, he didn't know if he liked it or not.


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## tracymom (Mar 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *4cornersmamma*
Why are you on the attack? You are taking my post completely out of context. Please read an entire post before you make a judgement statement. The below statement was at the end of my post. Please read it again.

4cm, I read this earlier today and can't get it off my mind. I don't see that sohj was in any way "on the attack." While I don't agree 100% with her position, probably leaning more towards your position, it seems she is merely participating in the debate and discussion of opinions. It was my impression as well that her last statement about clarifying this is not about "newbies vs. oldies," it's about an intellectual disagreement on a parenting point, was not directed at anyone in particular, except perhaps the person who made a comment like that earlier in the thread.


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## SoHappy (Nov 19, 2001)

Responding is not "attacking". Disagreeing is not "attacking". It's conversation, dialog, communication.

Much can be gained when one reads with a heart that seeks new information, not an ego that protects old ways.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I think it's one thing for a parent to encourage a new food, but it's quite another for someone the child is not as comfortable with to do so.


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## 4cornersmamma (Aug 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tracymom*
4cm, I read this earlier today and can't get it off my mind. I don't see that sohj was in any way "on the attack." While I don't agree 100% with her position, probably leaning more towards your position, it seems she is merely participating in the debate and discussion of opinions. It was my impression as well that her last statement about clarifying this is not about "newbies vs. oldies," it's about an intellectual disagreement on a parenting point, was not directed at anyone in particular, except perhaps the person who made a comment like that earlier in the thread.


















I appreciate your comment and just want to clarify myself. I didn't feel attacked by the "newbie's vs. oldies" comment but her rant on green eggs and ham. Her post was directed at people who have the "one bite" rule. I feel that her tone and unmasked sarcasm was a little too hostile concerning my parenting methods and yes in my _opinion_ it was a personal attack because of the selected quotes she took from my post.

I posted my experience and my method of parenting. I did not go on this board criticizing other parenting techniques even ones I strongly disagree with. I and all other posters (what ever their view) should be given the same respect. I think we are our own worst critic to begin with. We do not need to be criticized by other moms, if anything we need enlightenment in the form of reading or seeing another way of dealing with a situation. I would like to hear other opinions. I want to hear about other people's experience or methods of discipline (or no discipline).







I feel that I can learn something from anyone. However, it is one thing to give our own personal strategy and our method of doing something and it is quite another to make judgements and criticism which inevitably create barriers in communication.

Like Peggy said in her latest article - we need to all find our own way of parenting - that natural parenting is about finding what is right for our own family - not being confined to one way because of cultural or social pressure.
**
I also would like to add that people who have their children try new foods (probably more so with people on this forum) do not "force" their child to try it. We have a rule and my children are used to it because it is consistent. This is a typical dialog with my daughter if there is something new to try:

my daughter -"This smells/looks funny. I don't like it"
me - "you don't have to eat it if you don't want to, but I would like you to try a bite"
my daughter - "urrg" then takes a bite and face brightens or sours. "I like it!" or "I don't like it".
me "well you don't have to eat it if you don't want to, thank you for trying."

My daughter just turned 3.

**

I believe it has been scientifically proven that taste is acquired. There are many things that we don't like as children and over years of exposure we learn to like it a lot.

**

I think that if we look closer to our motives and the outcome they are probably pretty similar.







It's just our techniques that differ.


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## UrbanPlanter (Nov 14, 2003)

Sometimes, when my ds does choose to take a bite of something he's never tried before, and then decides he does like it... he still will not eat it.

for whatever that's worth.
just throwing it out there bc I believe there is also an emotional readiness factor and a textural sensitivity factor along with the food sensitivity and potential allergy factor.

IME, whenever I encourage ds to eat - even food that he says he likes - it is harder to get him to eat it.

If I just put it in front of him and leave him be, he's more likely to eat more of it.

He's just one child out of millions on this planet, tho...


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

I'm just going to respond the question posed in the original post.

When my daughter has a friend over and I need to provide lunch I try to put out a variety of foods and let them choose. Usually I will offer sandwiches - turkey, PBJ, tuna - but then I'll put out a bunch of cut-up fruit and cheese or yogurt, and let the kids serve themselves. Most kids like that stuff so there's never really been a problem. I do ask parents beforehand if their child is picky or has any special likes or dislikes, just to get an idea of what to have in the house.

I might suggest that a child try something new, but if they said, no thanks, I'd drop it.


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## sohj (Jan 14, 2003)

4cornersmamma: There was no "unmasked sarcasm" in my post.


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## cathe (Nov 17, 2002)

Well, I was asked very nicely and persuasively if I would put this thread back so here it is. However, can we keep this to a respectful discussion of our ideas about feeding children. If someone has a different view, please respect it and don't assume it means they are criticizing your view. This is a great thread to get some insight into how other mom's do things. And I guess I should also say - let's not criticize what other's have posted about how they do things. Like someone said, we are our own worst critics. I think it suffices to say how you handle things and why.


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## Satori (Jan 30, 2003)

To the OP:

I wouldn't have made the friend try it but I do expect him to eat what I serve. If he choses not to because he's rather eat McD's or something then he's going to go hungry in our house


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## nini2033a (Apr 11, 2005)

Wow, this certainly started quite a debate. I guess there are many types of parenting and what you may think is right, I might think is totally wrong. In my house, we serve whatever we are eating. I tell my kids to put a little of everything on their plate. If they are hungry, they eat it, if not, they don't have to eat it, but there will be nothing else served. I worked to prepare the meal, grew what I could or paid good money for it. We only serve dessert a few times a week, and usually only if everyone ate fairly well balanced meals. If they are not hungry enough to eat whatever is set out, then they are just not hungry.


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## CJNeeley (Jun 8, 2005)

Ok, I won't say much since this is old and has been debated pretty much from a variety of viewpoints. But while I never would push a child to eat something they didn't want to eat, I have seen a child fall to pieces about a food she didn't want even being on her plate (quite similar to OP, but actually more pronounced). I told her it was fine to just leave it and that she didn't have to eat it or anything else she felt was too close to it on the plate (because she did seem to think her whole plate of food was now contaminated by its presence) if she didn't want to. She did fine with this and ate what she wanted once she understood I meant it, but I later learned that at home she's "encouraged" to be a "member of the clean plate club"--no wonder the poor thing want it on her plate. (And this was before mine was eating solids so I had no clue what to expect beforehand, and definitely never saw this coming) So I now ask everyone which dishes they would like a serving of (when at all possible) and make sure they know they don't have to have some of everything nor do they have to eat all once it's on their plate.


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## girlndocs (Mar 12, 2004)

I've been thinking about this thread for a few days and I have to say that some of the ideas expressed by people here are exactly what I want to _prevent_ my children from learning, which is why I never ever pressure, "encourage" or nag about what they eat or how much of it.

People, meals are about FOOD. Food is about satiating our hunger, nourishing our bodies and also enjoying the physical pleasure of flavors and textures we enjoy.

Food is not about respect. Food is not about obedience, or power, or pleasing someeone else, or being good or bad. Food is food.

Eating is a lot like sex in many ways, if you think about it. It's a highly intimate and personal physical act, the substances we choose to put into our bodies and how we feel about them. The strong emotional reactions many of us have to certain smells, flavors or textures. The way it involves our personal space. The way what we eat and how eating is approached can forever affect our feelings about ourselves.

I wonder what the replies would be if I expressed the some of the same ideas about sex that have been expressed here about food?

"He went to all the trouble to pick her up and take her to dinner. It shows respect for him if she gives him at least some petting."

"If you don't at least try letting me touch you, you're hurting my feelings."

"You don't know if you'll like this sexual activity until you try it for 10 minutes. Then you can say 'no, thank you'."

Why can't people simply respect their kids' bodily integrity enough to let them decide what they eat and how much of it? After reading here, I can only conclude that it's because so few of them have had their own integrity similarly respected.


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