# my inappropriate MIL



## preggymeaggy (Jul 25, 2006)

First, let me say that my mil and I have never really seen eye to eye. In fact, it's taken the past 8 years just to "appreciate" her. I love that she brought my husband into the world, and there are some things I can talk to her about, but most of the time...she is just REALLY rude and inappropriate...without even realizing it.

So, our beautiful little boy was born sleeping just last Friday...at 18 weeks gestation. We had decided to get him cremated, and began to go through that process. It so happens that my husband's birthday is the same day as our little angel boy's, and although that will be nice for remembering our angel in the future, this year it was not a very good birthday for my husband. OBVIOUSLY!

Anyway, my DH calls his mother to see if she would deal with the funeral arrangements for us (it's not fun..as too many of you know). She agreed, and kindly, she also agreed to pay for the services (amounting to about $300...not a big deal for her as she is very wealthy). All of this took place over the phone, so I never heard her side of the conversation and I wasn't really paying that close of attention. Later on, I told my DH how nice it was for her to offer to pay for the funeral and cremation services. He says "Yeah, but you know it IS my birthday present". My jaw dropped!! I could not believe that she would go that low. How incredibly insensitive. Aparantly she said, "I will pay for the services, but as it is your birthday, that will be your present. Is that what you want?". My DH is so kind, patient, and forgiving. All he said was "Yes, thank you". I would have told her not to send one cent, and never to speak to me again, but then again I'm the hot head in our relationship.









Can you believe that my MIL asked if my husband wanted his son cremated for his birthday present? What in the F*@# is wrong with her?? Even if the $300 was a stretch for her (which it is not), there are a million other ways to say that. Perhaps something like "Oh, honey, I am sooo sorry all this is falling on your birthday too. Please take care of yourself, and I will be happy to take care of the arrangements for you." And then, later on, she could have sent him a card or a very small gift or something. She can definitely afford it. Sometimes, I'll admit, I do not think highly of her AT ALL!!!


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

People are so stupid sometimes. I'm so sorry


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## Mrs-Mama (Jul 2, 2007)

and most of all







s


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

That really takes the cake!

Sorry you have to have this woman in your life.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Fllllerrggghhhhhh! Wow - the noise I just came out with kinda sounded like that. Holy cow! That's just incredible.....*jaw dropped*

I am SO sorry that you have to go through that kind of stuff and that your DH had to go through that as well. Words just can't describe the insensitivity of what has happened. It's just really not appropriate at all, no matter what underlying issues she has that make her talk or act like that.

*HUGE, enormous hugs* mama. XXXXX


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

That is UNBELIEVABLE!!! How could she say that!?!? Wow, I'm so sorry she did that.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss and what a horrible thing for your MIL to say to your DH.







How sad for him that this happened on his birthday. Take care of each other.


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## ArtsyHeartsy (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm sorry, that just sucks! I can't believe how people act sometimes...and that's not even a "I don't know what else to say and this is awkward and sad" comment. SO Rude and insensitive.

Did she expect him to say, "no mom, thanks, but I would rather have an Xbox for my birthday?" How weird...

I'm very sorry for your loss as well.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

WOW! I'm sitting here thinking.. I sure hope there was some kind of misunderstanding! It doesn't seem like that could have been interepreted wrong though, hmmm.. I'm so sorry you have to deal with someone like that on top of losing your little guy.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

That is horrible. Absolutely.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

That is unbelievable. *hugs* I don't even know what to say. I feel like this:


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## Mrs_Lurker (Aug 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaSomeday* 
That is unbelievable. *hugs* I don't even know what to say. I feel like this:









Exactly. Who SAYS that?!?!


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

How incredibly insensitive.







I don't know why I am continually surprised to hear the things that come out of peoples' mouths.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

OMG!!! WTH?!?!?!?!?


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Wow. Unbelievable. How completely insensitive of her. I'm appalled.







Many hugs, mama


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

How sad.


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

Holy crap...how the..what the...oh, my goodness...that really is appalling. i'm so so sorry for her behavior. it reflects poorly on all humans. i am also so sorry for your loss.


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

It takes a really special level of dumb to be that dumb. She missed the boat. She isn't even on the dock. Nowhere near the water.

I am sorry someone else is adding grief to your grief. And I am sorry for your loss.


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

Omg.


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

people never cease to amaze me... how little tools most have when it comes to grief!








so sorry momma







to you and DH


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Let's just hope she never gets kidnapped by aliens and taken as a representation of mankind as a whole...


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## preggymeaggy (Jul 25, 2006)

Thank you for understanding!!

Sometimes, when she says insensitive things like that, I find myself wondering if I'm the crazy one...if I'm the only one who thinks she's OUT OF LINE. But, it's really helped to see all your responses.

It must have been really hard to grow up with a very un-nurturing person...poor DH. Somehow he turned out wonderful!


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## shelley4 (Sep 10, 2003)

i'm so sorry for your loss!!!

that is incredibly rude and insensitive of your MIL.. i would have reacted in the same what that you would have.

hugs, momma.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

What a -----------------------


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## railyuh (Jun 29, 2005)

OMG, I can't even imagine. My MIL has said some insensitive things after my losses, but if she ever said anything like that...ugh, I don't think I could look her in the eye again. I am amazed by your DH!


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

So sorry...







That is awful.







:


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## maxwill129 (May 12, 2005)

Oh my goodness! That is SO RUDE! I am so very sorry for your loss and sorry that you have to deal with someone so insensitive right now! Take care of yourself!!!


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## WebMama (Jun 6, 2009)

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and your MIL's insensitivity.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

I don't know how I missed this thread before, but WOW. If something like that happened with my MIL, I don't know that I could stop myself from calling her and telling her off. What a completely hurtful and insensitive thing to do to your own son














:. I'm so sorry you lost your baby and now have to contend with this







.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I can't believe that. I'm so sorry.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Oh wow - that is unbelievable.


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## lovebug (Nov 2, 2004)

if i were in your shoes i could think of all kinds of things to call her! what a...... i am so sorry for your loss mama!







s to you and your DH!


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## TTC Catholic (Jul 7, 2008)

Good evening,

First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your child. What is almost as terrible as the loss is the aftermath and how you have to deal with people (especially in laws who are so eager to get grandchildren out of you) . Last year, DH & I were dealing with infertility for over a year. It was and is a private issue between DH & me.

Going into our marriage, I knew that, with my history of ovarian cysts & endometriosis, conception wouldn't come easily for us, if at all. Several of his relatives who showed up at our wedding were very overbearing and rude, demanding that we "give them babies in nine months". It was only because I was at my wedding reception and didn't want to get angry on my day that I held my tongue, rather than give these people who are rude, thoughtless, ignorant, and feel it's okay to just stick their nose in other people's business, a well deserved piece of my mind.

I am still furious to this day at their insensitivity (not to mention they never sent reply cards and instead said, "If we'll be there, then we'll be there"). My sister, who was my matron of honor was so irritated by their lack of respect that she said she would have no problem getting a security guard to throw anyone out of the reception who didn't send a reply card. (Not having accurate reply card responses made if very difficult working with the caterers.) I told her not to do that.

Anyhow, I'm seriously digressing. I was just giving some background about DH's family. Sadly, many MILs can be very inappropriate, even if they mean well. In the months following our marriage, my MIL needed to be kept informed of all progress that was being made towards giving her "grand babies". She had the audacity to ask me where I was in my cycle, when I was having my period, and what specialist I would need to see to help me become pregnant. She reminded me (AGAIN!) that she must have "lots and lots of grand babies" because she just needed to be all over them (as if I would let her smother my children; she would be able to visit them and be involved in their lives as their grandmother, but I would not allow her to suffocate any child of mine)! Oh, how I wish my BIL would grow up, get a life of his own, move out of his parents' house (he's 31, BTW), find a nice girl, and get married so I don't have to be this woman's ONLY daughter-in-law.

What's also really bad is that she's enabled DH to be a Mama's Boy, so his instinct used to always be to side with his mother over me. Fortunately, DH is doing a lot better at listening to me and standing up for me.

Based upon these situations with DH's family, before we went to visit them last year (thankfully, they live out of state), I had a very strict rule - the subject of us having children was never to be brought up, and if somebody brought it up, I would end the conversation right then and there. Thankfully, that discussion miraculously never came up.

After 15 months of TTC, I found out I was pregnant. DH & I were ecstatic. Sadly, we lost the baby at eight and a half weeks. And my EVER SO compassionate MIL had the NERVE to say to DH, "I don't get it. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before, so why did it happen to you?" I was beyond hurt and insulted. The in laws are visiting us later in the summer, and I have already discussed with DH that the issue of infertility and my miscarriage, or anything pertaining to my health for that matter, is completely off limits.

The bottom line is that relatives (particularly MILs) will get into your business, especially when it is none of their business. When these people ask you questions and exhibit behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to say it's a personal matter, and you don't feel comfortable or ready to discuss it yet. They may still insist, stating it is their business because they're your relatives, but it is really not. Just stay strong, and speak up if they're making you uncomfortable. You may need to repeat it ten or twenty times, but just stick to your guns, and don't let them make you feel uncomfortable. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way. Also make sure that your DH understands how angry and hurt his mother has made you feel.

I apologize for all my rambling. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this, and you have love, support, and prayers from many who love you and even from those who don't know you. I'm praying for your heart to begin to heal. If you ever want to communicate further, please feel free to send me a Private Message here or via e-mail at [email protected].

God bless you,
~ Kristin


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

: for your MIL and a great big







to you and your dh.


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## preggymeaggy (Jul 25, 2006)

thanks for you responses, everyone!

Catholic...I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that your inlaws seem, not only, to not understand your situation, but also very invasive. My DH set boundaries with his mom long ago...he left the house at age 17 for example. So, luckily, my mil tends to stay out of the way unless asked to be involved. The sad part is that I'm sure she wants to be more involved in our life and with her granddaughter, but she doesn't even understand that she, herself, has pushed us away. She can just be kind of a cold person...not very social either. The hard part is expressing to my husband how I feel about her. I don't want to hurt him (she IS still his mother), but I also need him to understand how hurtful she is sometimes. This is something we've been dealing with for 8 years now...and still sometimes an issue.

I guess in laws are just hard to deal with sometimes, because they can be so entirely different from you.


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