# Is anyone waiting to miscarry?



## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

Sorry, I have a hard time saying "pass the baby", I pass feces and urine, I will give birth to my daughter, even if she is only the size of a walnut.
I have read a couple of threads where other mamas have found out the baby died through ultrasound, and that is where I am now. I learned my daughter Graceful Moon had died on thursday, and so far I have had no bleeding or cramping. I just wondered if anyone else was going through this now.
Also, is there any way to encourage the baby to come? My dr wants to do a D&C if she hasn't come in ten days or so, and the thought of them scraping her out of me is more than I can handle. Also, if she is at all recognizable as a baby (she measured at 8w 4d, but should have been 10w 2d), I want the opportunity to hold her.


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry for what you're going through.







Sometimes it will resolve itself. I tried to let it happen naturally and even took some homeopathics for it; ie. a uterine stimulant from the naturopathic dr. But, I ended up w/a D/C. No, s/he wasn't recognizable.

I truly believe that Babies choose us. Your child is now a spirit child and WILL come back to you in physical form when the time is right.

If I were you, I would wait as long as possible and then realize you need to take care of your body and your health. God really does have a meaning for us-just so darn hard to figure out often.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Miscarry is the right word. When my daugher died they kept saying Inner Uterine Fetal Demise and that term really upset me.

There are a several threads by women who have miscarried. Some very recently. Many women here feel as you do about a D&C and choose to have a natural miscarriage.

I think we need to trust that our bodies know what to do. But, we also have to make decisions that feel right to us.

It can take several weeks for your body to complete a miscarriage. As long as you're not bleeding heavily, running a high feaver, or are in severe pain it's safe to let nature take over.

When you'll begin depends on your body. Every woman is different.

Please take care of yourself while you're waiting. Drink plenty of fluids to keep hydrated. Try to get rest when you can. Eat healthy, include high iron foods in your diet.

Please feel free to come here and talk when ever you need to. The women here are truly amazing and can give you a lot of support.

Again, I'm so sorry you lost you're precious child. You'll be in my thoughts tonight.

Gently,

Jacque


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

I'm so sorry.......we would have been due around the same time. I would be about 10.5 weeks or so but lost our baby on Nov 19. Reading your post has brought all of it back to me. I'm crying for you.....for us all.....

I had a natural m/c. I was told to watch for flu symptoms. Other than that I'd just wait for your body to do its thing.

Luckily for us the supprt here is amazing....


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## symbiosis (Dec 6, 2001)

naotalba,

I'm wondering how you are doing?

I, too, wanted to allow my body to miscarry naturally. Unfortunately, I started hemorraghing and had to have an emergency D&C. The doctor(s) kept referring to what I was passing as "product of conception" and would not allow us to take anything home. I did however, save everything I miscarried up to that point. We will have a burial once I am emotionally ready.

I'm thinking of you and hoping you are physically okay.


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## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

I just wanted to let you know that one year ago (almost exactly) I was in your shoes--I lost my baby at nearly 11 weeks but he had stopped growing at about 8.5.

At the time, I opted for a D and C because I was too overwhelmed by the whole thing. I really admire your patience and courage to do it naturally--it is something I will always regret.

Take care of yourself and know that I am thinking of you.

Jesse
Violet 7-14-00
Elijah ^i^ 12-20-01
Zoe EDD 2-14-03


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

(((((naotalba))))))

I also have m/c naturally twice at 8 weeks - once before I had any living children, this was very difficult for me, I had contractions for several hours till the baby came out ( I used the labouring positions I had learned about from Sheila Kitsinger's book which helped a lot, esp rocking on all fours), with quite a bit of bleeding

the second time was earlier this year and it was much less dramatic, few real contractions, a lot less bleeding but the process took about five days to complete

I hope you have someone close by to take care of you


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Hugs to you.

I just wanted to let you know that sometimes it takes quite awhile for your body to do what it needs to. If you trust your body, then prepare for the journey (be it short or long, you will not know) and try a little to enjoy each day that you have carrying your child. Somedays you may not want to. Some days you may be glad to have him/her still with you. Each emotion is valid.

My Stella died at ~12 weeks and then it was 11 more weeks before she was born at home. She just fell into my hands when I went to the bathroom, still connected by her umbilical cord. I detached it and held her. She was 2 1/2 inches long, a color like sand, and had no discernible facial features. To me she was beautiful. I labored 2 days later to get out the placenta, and ended up going to the hospital because I thought I was hemmorraging, but wasn't. (That''s why I think you need someone clear-thinking with you).

To avoid infection, I would say don't allow your doctor to do an exam on you. Do drink a lot of fluids and maybe start taking an iron supplement. Also Chlorophyll or some other "greens" type of supplement. These will help you to lose less blood and replace what has been lost more quickly.

Also, have someone level-headed with you. If you soak a pad in less than an hour, you should probably go to the hospital. Otherwise, expect a labor and birth, as any other. Then you will probably bleed like a heavy period for several days- a week. You will need your level-headed person to help you as you labor because it may be physically demanding and you may feel like vomiting, diarrhea, etc. All the same things you feel in labor. Some places may feel scary and of course you may be very emotional because in addition to laboring, you know your baby is dead.

Of course, your labor and birth may be very gentle- it is unpredictable and different for each woman.

I'll be praying for you. You can know that birth is normal and your body knows what to do.

Sarah


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## grandmasgirl (Feb 18, 2002)

naotalba,

My love to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that there is much love and support here - I have found everyone here so comforting and helpful. Having the support of the MDC community has been a blessing to me since my m/c- I hope you find that as well.

Please take care of yourself. PM me anytime you need to talk.

Love to you.


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## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss. Do come here as you need, you will find alot of help and comfort here in this forum. I come here alot and this is really the only forum I frequent now.

It took me 3 1/2 weeks to miscarry. I found out a t about 7 1/2 weeeks. My midwives allowed me to let my body miscarry on it's own. I found herbs to be helpful and I did eat well and drink raspberry tea alot!

My thoughts are with you and I send peace to you.

beth


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## BAU3 (Dec 10, 2001)

Naotalba, I am so sorry for your loss. I found out on Dec. 6, at 12 weeks lmp, that I had lost my baby at 8.5 weeks. An ultrasound was done to confirm the bad news, and my ob/gyn (whom I don't usually see) immediately urged a D&C. I declined and came home. On Dec. 10 I miscaiiried at home. I do have my baby, who at 8 weeks is definitely recognizable, and will bury him in June, when he was due.
I was concerned about hemmoraging, becaue i am an hour from the nearest emergency room, but had no problems. I bled very heavily on and off all the first day, and had a couple of heavy times the second day, then it leveled off. I am now on day 13 and am still bleeding lightly. You WILL soak through more than one pad in an hour, while the m/c is happening... what you should watch for is prolonged bleeding like that. I soaked two pads in an hour.. then one pad in 3 hours.. then 1 pad in ten minutes... then 1 pad in 2 hours etc. throughout the day. If you soak 1 pad an hour, continuously, for a prolonged period of time, then i would go to an emergency room.
I found the whole experience very difficult, emotionally, but also very healing. I have had a D&C in the past, and that was right for me then, and this experience was right for me now.
If you need to talk, or have ANY questions please pm me. I am more than happy to lend an ear or share my experience with you.( I don't mind details, if you need them!)
Trust your body and take good care of yourself.


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

Thank you so much for all of your love and support. My friends have been avoiding me since they heard that the baby had died, and I have felt very alone. It really makes a difference to hear from other women that have been in this situation, and came out the other side.
I am not christian, but I do celebrate christmas, and this has been so hard, not knowing when she is going to come. But when I think about a d&c, I just can't do it- to me it feels like I would be letting the dr. mishandle my daughter's body. (no disrespect intended to the mamas who felt a d&c was right in their situations, I know that different people feel differently, and what is right for me was wrong for you)
I am trying to take care of myself, I'm still taking prenatals for the extra iron and lots of raspberry tea, and I've warned everyone I have christmas plans with that when she comes I will not have any time for anyone else for a while.
I am trying to talk to her spirit, and let her know that as much as I have appreciated the extra time I have had with her, when she is ready to go, I will let her go.

Thank you so much for listening.


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## symbiosis (Dec 6, 2001)

naotalba,

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone. Unfortunately, even though my friends made themselves available to me I still felt alone. Miscarriage is something that happens to so many of us yet it is an extremely personal journey.

I think the advice given to have someone around you and to expect a lot of bleeding at times are good pieces to remember.

I totally relate to your view on the D&C. Actually, it's hard for me to even reflect on my experience at the hospital because it went against everything I would have wanted to happen at that point. It's almost as if I'm feeling two losses. The loss of my baby and the loss of having control over what had to happen to me medically, specifically how he would be birthed KWIM?

Keep us posted if/when you can.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

naotalba, I know what you mean. Miscarriage is a lonely feeling. You feel physically and mentally empty inside. I'm so very sorry, your baby was important and mattered. You have a right to be greive in what ever way feels right for you.

Please take good care of yourself while waiting to miscarry. Keeping hydrated is most important. Fill a large cup and carry it around all day. Some Evening Primrose can help balance your hormones. Try to eat small, but healthy several times a day. Keeping yourself full, but not over stuffed. Eat foods rich in iron to help replace blood cells that you will be loosing.

Go ahead and talk here as much as you need. We will be here to listen and offer our support.


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## BigBelly03 (Dec 3, 2002)

naotalba, I have had all my miscarriages naturally. Be sure there is someone with you. Drinking some raspberry leaf tea might stimulate a few contractions (and will also speed the healing of the uterus afterwards) Be sure to have two homeopathic remedies on hand (cinchona and phosphrus) as both can prevent hemorrage and keep the bleeding at a safe flow. Trust that your body knows how to handle this. My first miscarrige was loss of one twin, I went to the hospital emergency room (I didn't know I was carrying twins) and was montitored overnight with an IV (for fluids and they gave me something to prevent labor) An ultrasound showed my healthy daughter in her own sac with her own placenta. The only thing that could be seen was the remains of the other placenta which came out in tiny gel-like pieces.The doctor told me the twin that died actually died about three weeks before the actual miscarriage process began. I was released to complete the miscarriage at home, and went on to have a normal pregnancy and give birth to my healthy daughter at full-term. This experience gave me a lot of confidence in my body to take care of a miscarriage without medical intervention. The three I have had since have all been at home. D& C is very hard on the lining of the uterus. Some women have difficulty conceiving again after and D& C. A classical homeopath told me that as women, we store all our pain and emotional trauma in our wombs. A procedure like a D& C can make it more difficult to release this trauma and this is why some women have difficulty conceiving and sometimes have other gyn problems too after a d & c. I wouldn't have one unless it was absolutely medically necessary. I also feel a natural miscarriage makes the grieving process easier because you can save the baby's body (even if it is not recognizable, it is still the baby's body) for burial and/or what ever kind of ceremony you feel is appropriate.
I am very sorry you have to go through this. Although I don't know exactly when my baby died (the miscarriage happened on Sat. the 21st) I lost all my pregnancy symptoms around Nov. 26 and had a little spotting and some cramping that subsided after a few days. So I suspect I carried for about four weeks after the actual death of the baby.
If you are not comfortable with your doctor's opinion, I would seek the advice of another doctor or a midwife.


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

Just wanted to give a little update...
I realized after my last post that I have been posting things that my dh really needed to hear. Normally we are a very gender-role reversed couple: he is the emotional one, I am the "planner". He has been trying to "be strong" for me and it has been making me feel even more alone and like I'm overreacting (and it doesn't help that my closest friends both have issues with death and try to change the subject whenever I start talking about Graceful).
I went through things with dh- I hadn't even told her that I thought the baby was a girl, let alone that the name we had agreed on for a daughter was hers.
I think it started to hit him then, because he wrote a poem for her that night, and I came home a few days ago to find him watching Oprah and crying (now, I don't watch Oprah, but I doubt it's THAT emotionally involving).
Meanwhile, I don't fit any of my regular bras and I don't feel comfortable wearing the nursing bras I had bought in my current size. And I'm still nauseous. I'm thinking that if my symptoms are still here, that the miscarriage is going to take a while. And the the dr's office called to see if it had happened yet. The dr. wanted to do a d&c if it hadn't happened in 2 weeks, which will be thursday the 2nd. I won't be going back to the dr. who read my ultrasound (he was the on-call dr at the hospital and his office is too far from my house) but I am on an HMO plan and usually they have the same standardized treatment plan no matter which dr. you go to. I think I will just refuse consent unless they can give me some medical reason more compelling than, "the chance of infection is increased". I still don't want to miss work and/or school to go to an apt they will charge me for just to tell them that I am not interested in a non-indicated d&c.
Well, if anyone made it through this far, thanks again for listening. Your support means a lot to me.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

naotalba, you have so much going on inside you right now. I'm glad you can come here and type it out. It really helps to sort out your feelings and make good decisions for you.

As for the D&C that's a decision you and dh will have to make. No doctor or friend can make that one for you. It's normal to have some concerns of infection. However, without an ultrasound, you wouldn't even know at this point.

Things you do want to be very careful of; feaver, flu like symptoms, and nausia. If these sympoms come, then do re-evaluate things.

In the mean time, keep yourself hydrated and eat a healthy diet. You may want to take a probiotic as this will help if an infection is present. Also increasing your vit. C and Eccanacia would be helpful.

Your dh is a very sensative and careing man. Hold him tight and encourage him to talk about his feelings. It's going to make you cry too - but that's a good thing.

Take care of youself - you're in my thoughts.

Gently,

Jacque


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## BigBelly03 (Dec 3, 2002)

naotalba, I was wondering how you were doing. When I read the post about you still feeling nauseous I am wondering if you are still carrying a healthy baby and you lost a twin like I did. Can you take another hpt to be sure?
I wanted to mention that I thought all the suggestions are great here. Be sure to have some yellow dock to help build up your blood. It is safe to take even if you are still carrying a baby too, the main thing is to try to stay calm using whatever tools you have available to you once the bleeding starts like meditation, soothing music, massage, aromatherapy etc. Remember we are all here for you. I regret I did not stop in here while I was waiting for my bleeding to start. Also that your husband is being emotional is a very good thing. Although mine was very supportive during my bleed out, he quickly went in to his business-like nurse mode (he is a former nurse) and started talking about getting me pregnant asap. But it wasn't upsetting for me because I know he really loves me and feels horrible about losing this baby. He just expresses his feelings in a much more typically male manner. I also wanted to say I think the name you chose for baby girl is so beautiful.


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

BigBelly03, you are the first person besides dh and I who actually liked the name. It hurt dh when I told him that I wanted to call her Graceful Moon, because he so wanted to call a living child by that name. It made me happy to hear you compliment her name.

Ms. Mom, your continuing support has been so important to me. It makes the bad days better to know that I can keep coming back here and know that you are thinking of me. Thank you.

New years was a hard day, because I should have been 12 weeks, and into the "safe zone". I actually had "safety day" written on my calendar at work.
I keep hoping that somehow there was some mistake, a lost twin, or a faulty ultrasound, and that I really am still pregnant. Unfortunately, I realized that I get nauseous when I am under stress, and that seems like a more likely explanation. Also, my nipples are slowly getting lighter and smaller again. And I've lost a few pounds. I think my hormones are just gettting back to normal very slowly.
It is the new moon tonight, and I'm hoping that will be auspicious. On the night we found out she had died, as we drove to the hospital there was a beautiful full moon that rose directly ahead of us. She had passed away around the previous new moon, and I'm hoping my body will let her go with the new moon.
On a more practical note, I am going to visit my stepchildren in Idaho (by plane) in two weeks. I don't want this uncertainty hanging over my head during the trip, and I love the kids and want to focus on them during the short time we will be there. I guess if I don't have any bleeding or cramps in the next week or so, I may decide to go to the doctor and have the d&c.
I just don't know.


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

Graceful Moon is such a lovely name ...

I was 13 weeks pregnant when we found out by ultrasound that our daughter (I'm sure she was a girl) had died a few days earlier. I'm also pretty sure I know when she died, because I stopped feeling pregnant... Anyway, I elected to wait until she came on her own, and it took 11 days. I tried blue and black cohosh tinctures, and homeopathic blue and black cohosh. I'm not sure that anything made any real difference, but I went through a labor with her, my water broke, and she was born while I was in the shower. The year before, I had painted a pottery bowl white, with a black rim and a red spiral in the center. I didn't know why I chose those images or colors, but while I was in labor with her, I knew that was the vessel for her tiny body, and I did put her there as she was born.

Unfortunately, for me, the placenta didn't come all the way out, and I proceeded to bleed quite a bit. Ended up in the ER. All they did was pull out the placenta (which I couldn't reach) But I wouldn't have done it any other way. A "statistic" I heard was that at 12 weeks, it's 50/50 if a m/c will be uncomplicated. I got one of the 50s!

It didn't really feel "real" until I had the first signs of blood. That was hard.

Three cycles later I was pregnant again, and DS is 8 months old today!

Waiting is difficult - but for me it was a time to come to terms with the facts of things and to plan what I wanted to do in an unhurried and thoughtful way.

take good care

Barbara, mama to
spirit child Jacob (10/23/98)
spirited child Noah (10/25/99)
"little bird" (m/c 5/18/01) and
Nathaniel (05/02/02) who now just wants to walk


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Hello. I was wondering how you were doing. I miscarried 10 days ago and felt that everything passed. I'm still feeling emotionally pretty drained, but physically better. I did drink some herbal tea, False Unicorn Root and Lobelia to help the m/c go more smoothly. I didn't need a D and C. I'm sending you my love and hugs. I know what you are going through. Abylite


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

I just wanted to give an update. I had some brown tinged mucus this morning, not much but the first sign that this might happen without intervention.
It's funny, I was reading the thread on AF after loss, and I found myself thinking that for me, seeing blood will actually make me feel better, that I was starting a new chapter of this journey.


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## emmalala (Dec 3, 2001)

gentle hug to you, naotalba, in your special state!

maybe make a d&c appointment for a few weeks away, and see what comes in the meantime?


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

No luck. I will call the dr tomorrow- I am leaving town next saturday and I'm not willing to have it happen on vacation, at my stepkids' mom's house (we are all friends, and I know she would understand, but the kids deserve dh's and my attention, and I want this trip to be as happy as possible).
I feel so angry, defeated, and depressed. I read an article in the paper today about a mom who left her 2 kids (ages 4 and 7) alone for two weeks to meet a man she met on the internet. All I could think of was how if I had known her, I would have taken those kids from her.
There is a baby shower tomorrow for a girl at my work, and everyone's giving me a hard time about not wanting to go (except her, because I had told her we would be pregnant together, and then I told her when I lost the baby). The thought of being around baby stuff is too much- I have to leave stores if I see baby clothes.
I can handle pregnant women, and babies without freaking. I guess I can tell they aren't *my* baby. Stuff I could be buying for my baby is what kills me.
So tomorrow I make the apt to get scraped out. I have a feeling they will schedule it for tuesday, dh and I's anniversary. I feel like a wimp that I can't hold out longer.
It's not that I with I were dead, although I find that thought floating in my head sometimes. It's that I think dying would be easier then living right now. And on that upbeat note, I think I will ask the dr for a referral to counselling.


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## emmalala (Dec 3, 2001)

dear naotalba

I don't know you hardly at all and please disregard this if it's not what you need now, but I read your last post and wanted to say...

Don't have a D&C if you don't want it, and don't fear for what could happen to your happy vacation. It could be that you need the time it might take to have a natural mc, to get used to the idea. And that the reality of a natural mc would somehow help, I've had the sense from reading about other's experience that a d&c is maybe more emotionally disturbing(??)

Your sadness is so real, and for me part of my own sadness. I just finished my 2nd mc, have 2 kids after 1st mc. Both mcs were natural, my OB/GYN strongly encouraged me to stay away from her! (though she did recommend motrin for the pain). I found that later on, the sorrow lessened and after I talked to more people about it, I discovered that a lot of them had mcs too, which helped me feel more understood.


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## SummerLover (Nov 19, 2001)

Hugs to you. I sent you a pm.


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

I'm doing better today. Yesterday, I called for a dr's apt and, after having to explain the situation in painful detail, got asked, "oh, so you took the abortion pill?" by the girl on the phone. NO offense meant to anyone who has had an abortion, by pill or otherwise, but I was blown away by her extreme insensitivity. And after all that, I got told, "we don't have any apointments available until Feb. I'll have a dr. call you on Monday to see if we can work you in sooner". Hello, these are OBGYNs- they have to have a ton of last minute appointments- do women in labor get told to come back in February?

But, on the positive side, I finally told my mother, and she actually was very helpful. We are not close (geographically or emotionally), and she has said some hurtful things about my ttcing (implying that I wasn't getting pregnant because I was trying before I was truly ready, that I am too immature or unsuccessful financially to be a mom). I was dreading telling her I was pregnant, for fear she would say something hurtful.

When I told her, she started crying, grieving both my pain, and the loss of her granddaughter. Then she told me again the story of the two babies she lost. She told me she knew her lost babies were girls also. She told me they were both due in October, and that they would be 33 and 32 now. She told me that she lost them both at 12 weeks, and that two of my aunts had lost babies also. And she told me that she never forgot them, but that it would get easier.
She is the only person I havbe talked to who didn't get uncomfortable when I started crying. It's so strange, my mom is probably the most self-centered person I know, but she was the only one who could say what I needed to hear IRL: that my baby was real, that I knew her, that her brief existance mattered and changed me, and that I will greive her as the loss of my daughter.


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## BAU3 (Dec 10, 2001)

Naotalba, It has been a long wait for you, hasn't it? I really can't offer advise, as i don't know how i would feel if i had to wait that long. And now not being able to get a D&c even if you wanted one! You must be so frustrated.
i'm glad your mother could be of some comfort to you. I hope these boards help, too. I know they werre invaluble to me when i miscarried. A wealth of information and also a source of comfort from so many who have been through this sad process.
I understand that you are in a limbo right now. I think that whatever you do, the process of putting this behind you,( the physical) will be a great relief to you.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you get through this soon!
Please feel free to pm if you need to.


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## naotalba (May 29, 2002)

I am going to have the d&c tomorrow at 8:00. I went to the Dr's yesterday, and the ultrasound showed the baby is almost completely decomposed, so my hope of being able to see her is gone.

On the other hand, I had a very vivid dream two nights ago. She was about 6-9 months old, and I was holding her and laughing with her. She had curly brown hair, and big brown eyes, and chubby chipmunk cheeks. I felt like the dream was my compensation for having to have the d&c- if I don't ever get to hold her in real life, at least I can treasure the memory of holding her in my dream, the solid weight of her body in my arms and her baby laughter in my ears.


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