# What do you think about using the term "big boy"?



## familylove (Mar 14, 2006)

Hi all,

I have a 3.5 yo DS that is growing by leaps and bounds. I have read that using the term "big boy" and "baby" can be demeaning. To be honest, in the past I found myself using those terms in less than flattering ways; ie: don't be a baby you're a big boy. I have made a real effort to correct that behavior b/c I see how this can be a detriment to his self-esteem.

My question is, what about calling him a big boy in the spirit of saying "I'm so proud of you. You're such a big boy." I no longer say, "You're acting like a baby" or "you need to act like a big boy". And when he says at various times, "I'm a baby", I either jokingly say "No...you're a big boy. But what do babies sound like?" I often take him saying this as a cue that he would like to be cuddled (which I LOVE doing) and I take him in my arms.

What do you think? I certainly don't want to be harming his self-esteem. I tell him "Good job, Way to Go, High Five, or get specific about the task he's accomplished; IE: good memory, good job saying your ABCs, etc.

Any thoughts/advice?

Thanks,
Lauren


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## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

I don't like it because it implies that there is something wrong or inferior about being little. I tell ds he is a little boy and a baby because he is. I don't ever say it in a negative way. I also don't ever tell him he is a big boy when he has done something I like or something difficult.

I tell him "Good job" when he's done something well. I tell him he's a good boy randomly because he IS a good boy. He also tells me that I am a good woman and that dh is a good man.


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## aja-belly (Oct 7, 2004)

my husband and i were talking about this last night. it bothers me. i don't know why exactly. maybe because of all the 'be a big boy - don't cry' type stuff you hear.


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## frenchie (Mar 21, 2006)

I personally have no qualms with it, as long as it's not being used in a demeaning or manipulating way. I believe words are what you make of them.


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## Attila the Honey (Mar 15, 2003)

I have a niece that is always called a "big girl" or told to be a "big girl" and it bugs me too because she seems to see "babies" as a negative thing. She frequently calls my 2.5yo "baby" as an insult or says, "Flora can't do that.. she's a baaaaybeeee".

So, personally I steer clear of it. (I steer clear of "good job" too, but that's a different topic altogether.







)


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

My ds gets really upset if someone suggests he is too big to do something like be carried. He does understand that I can't really carry him as long as I used to. He also gets upset sometimes when people talk about him growing up. If he says he is a baby, I go with it and tell him he will always be my baby. He is very into pretending to be a one right now. He climbs onto my lap, curls up, and tells me to pretend that I'm going to have a baby. I pretend to have contractions and push. Then, I hear his little voice say "push with all your might!" Next, he is born and I baby him. So, I never use the term big boy because I'm aware how ambivalent ds feels about growing up. He is happy about the things that he can now do that he used to be too short to do, like reaching all the lightswitches. I might comment on how nice it is to be tall enough to reach, however.


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## frenchie (Mar 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *4evermom*
My ds gets really upset if someone suggests he is too big to do something like be carried. He does understand that I can't really carry him as long as I used to. He also gets upset sometimes when people talk about him growing up. If he says he is a baby, I go with it and tell him he will always be my baby. He is very into pretending to be a one right now. He climbs onto my lap, curls up, and tells me to pretend that I'm going to have a baby. I pretend to have contractions and push. Then, I hear his little voice say "push with all your might!" Next, he is born and I baby him. So, I never use the term big boy because I'm aware how ambivalent ds feels about growing up. He is happy about the things that he can now do that he used to be too short to do, like reaching all the lightswitches. I might comment on how nice it is to be tall enough to reach, however.

That is so sweet....Kai sort of does the same thing. He crawls up into my lap and says "I'm momma's baaaaaaaaby"...because I always tell him he's my baaaaaaaaby...and I cradle him and baby him as well.
I let him know that he's a big boy now, but he's always going to be my baby.....he find's great satisfaction in being a big boy...yet he knows he's always welcome to be a baby. I never tell him *not* to act like a baby.
I just had to re-read your post......







what a sweet sweet example of a connected momma/child relationship.


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## familylove (Mar 14, 2006)

Thank you ladies for the advice and input! (4evermom, I too got all gooey reading about your mom/son relationship







)

Like I said in my OP, I really strive to avoid using the words "big boy" in a context that might be demeaning. As in, "Why can't you just be a big boy." I can tell that DS sometimes really likes being called a big boy...but there are definitely times he doesn't and he lets me know. I guess I've been feeling rather ambivilant about that term and appreciated hearing viewpoints about why its not a good thing to say at times. As a few of you mentioned, it does seem to imply that there's something wrong with being little or a baby. And I certainly don't want to do that!

Thanks again for responding,
Lauren


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

I think the dynamics naturally change when adding an actual baby to the family. I've had to make that distinction lately to ds since I'm pregnant. We've been talking about babies vs. big boys and he LOVES the fact that he's a big boy. It's to the point where if I call him the pet name baby he says "I'm not a baby, I'm a big boy!" He loves talking about what he can teach the baby, since he's a big boy. I mean he just took off with it without any push from me whatsoever. I'm sure things will change once our baby is here...







...but for now he's psyched to be a big boy!


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## ETW (Feb 18, 2005)

Like some of the others, we use "big boy" in a positive way. I tend to say it when I'm amazed at how grown up DS is getting -- I'll tell him "I can't believe what a big boy you are!" Or when he exhibits unexpected maturity I might say "wow you really handled that like a big boy." We also use "little boy" in a positive way. We don't tend to use "baby" with him -- not for any deep reason -- it's just not a word we use a lot. I find that DS generally wants to be a big boy -- for example as soon as he was in underwear during the day he started getting very upset about putting on a nighttime diaper even though we had never said anything negative about diapers as he was potty learning. So we bought cloth pull-ups and called them "big boy nighttime underwear" and that made it ok for him to wear them. I guess that could be seen as manipulative, but I felt like we were respecting his desire to be all done with diapers without waking up in a puddle of pee.


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## Rigama (Oct 18, 2005)

I don't like using the term "Big Boy". I'm constantly telling dh that I hate it when he says things like "Big boys sleep by themselves." because I don't want him feeling that needing someone nearby as he drifts off to sleep is a bad or a babyish thing. To me it's like saying "Good boy!" Well if I do X or Y then I'm a Good/Big boy, but if I don't do it then I'm a bad/baby boy. It just doesn't sit right with me.

Sometimes, when he does something that really amazes me I might say something like "Wow! When did you get so big?" Or "When did you start to grow up so fast?" And there are plenty of times when he says "I can do it because I'm a big boy now" and that doesn't bother me. It's just calling him that in a manipulative way that I don't go for.


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## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

Dh sometimes will say something to ds (3 1/3 yrs.) about him being such a big boy in reagrds to him growing up and being able to do things. That is the only context it is ever said to him. I still will call him my baby. He likes that he can still be my baby just like his 18 mo sister. He will tell me I have two babies - an Eoin baby and an Eilis baby. I always remark that, "yes I do! I am so happy to have an Eoin baby and an Eilis baby." If he asks me to hold him like a baby, I do. He also still likes to be worn, snuggled to sleep, etc. Although, he has recently started calling me Mom instead of Mommy. One day he replied to me, "I am getting so growed up!" Yes, he is.


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## bellona (Feb 17, 2006)

I call my kids big babies









Ok, it's only happened a couple of times, and I try not to cause I know how it sounds. I've said it in a "oh, wow! you did that all by yourself? You're such a big baby!" type of way.

I call my kids babies and big kids arbitrarily. "You're getting to be such a big girl" or "I love you, baby". Both are terms of affection and their behavior doesn't dictate which I use. I also tell them they're good people, nice, beautiful/handsome....all at random times. They also tell me that I'm those things. I don't think it hurts them unless you're using it in a punishment/reward type of capacity.


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## crescentaluna (Apr 15, 2005)

I don't like the labeling aspect to "big boy/girl" and I avoid these therms pretty completely - I try to describe behavior more than the child ("That was really strong/brave/smart!") or to be just descriptive ... "You're getting so tall, it's great!" "You are so strong now, you can do that by yourself!" I don't like the way kids can use "bay-bee" as a putdown, like a PP said ... I don't want to make them feel badly about their own "babyish" feelings.

But in my family it's inescapable, 'cause granparents and aunts always use it. It's just really NOT me.


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## Qalliope (Oct 22, 2004)

I prefer to use the phrase "little man" It seems like there's less temptation for me to overuse it because it's unique. Every other parent under the sun isn't saying it. I also like the connotation of "little man" better. I sort of feel that even when "big boy" is being used to say, recognize accomplishment, it sounds patronizing to me. If ds does something "grown-up" and wants to be acknowledged for that, I think he should be, and I prefer to imply that he is capable and grown-up in my eyes (man) even if his body hasn't caught up (little). It makes more sense to me than saying it the other way around, that he's really just a "boy", who's acting "big". I don't know, I'm probably reading too much into it, but it seems just a tiny bit demeaning, and I am totally obsessed with word meaning and usage. I have lots of other common phrases I have exchanged for ones I find more appropriate. Then again, maybe I just want tobe different from everyone else







I have to admit, it feels special to have words only I use with my kids, our own secret language that we share.


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## dulce de leche (Mar 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crescentaluna*
I don't like the labeling aspect to "big boy/girl" and I avoid these therms pretty completely - I try to describe behavior more than the child ("That was really strong/brave/smart!") or to be just descriptive ... "You're getting so tall, it's great!" "You are so strong now, you can do that by yourself!" I don't like the way kids can use "bay-bee" as a putdown, like a PP said ... I don't want to make them feel badly about their own "babyish" feelings.

But in my family it's inescapable, 'cause granparents and aunts always use it. It's just really NOT me.









:


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## Quinn'sMommy (Jan 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Qalliope*
I prefer to use the phrase "little man".

That's what I call my son.







I really like that phrase too. From the day he was born he was my little man.


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

My 26 month old daughter loves to be called baby. She'll point to herself and say 'mama's baby!' Recently a friend commented 'you're getting so big!' and Baby answered 'no! Little! Little!'

I think it has to do with her wanting to be cuddled and looked after. I understand that post-institutionalized children are often emotionally at a younger developmental stage than their biological age (she was a year at Gotcha), and that it can be very healing for them to go ahead and act out that younger stage with them. So that's what I've done with her. I still bottle nurse her, carry her around a bunch, pick her up whenever she asks, and so forth.

And I've never used the word 'baby' in a derogatory way with her. Rather it's always said lovingly, as in 'who's mama's baby? That's right! You are!(snuggle, snuggle). I imagine at preschool she must hear the other kids or maybe teachers use it as a put down, but she hasn't seemed to internalize it that way.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

I use big boy in a positive tone, but never in a negative tone. it's hard to get away from in our family because all my IL's call ds a big boy and do the whole "big boys don't cry" thing. So, I use it at home to reiterate a positive spin on the words and then follow-up to the IL's, "tell mamaw that big boys cry, that's okay to do." And, that shuts them up!


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## BohoMama (Jun 26, 2003)

a little off topic, sorry!









Qalliope, I like your way of thinking. Can you share some of your other "exchanged" phrases? That is, if you don't mind that they then might not remain completely unique to your family.

According to the occasion/behavior, I tell Andrej that he is a "sweet boy," "lovely boy," "clever boy," "helpful boy," "Mama's good boy," "perfect brother," and reserve "big" for occasions when his size really is at issue (like when he's grown out of his clothes.) Some people are bigger and some people are smaller, not only as a function of age, but genetics. I am only 5' tall and my children are not likely to be giants either. I object to the "big boy" thing on the grounds that it suggests that size and virtue might be related. Lord knows the tall folks of this world already have their advantages without this kind of sly propaganda!!!


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

My son is obsessed with calling himself a big boy. I think he gets it because my mom tells him he's getting to be such a big boy. He says he can do things like climb the ladder to the slide because he's a big boy, and he's so big. I don't see what's wrong with it as long as you're not using it to shame them into doing something, like using the potty or behaving nicely or whatever.

Although, today I did use the term to get what I wanted. He was tired and on the verge of tantrumy behavior, so I wanted to sit by the door of the crowded snack area in the kids's museum instead of in the middle of the crowded place. He didn't want to, but I pointed out the big kid stools at that table that he's never tried sitting on. Maybe that's not the best, but not the same thing as shaming I don't think. I wouldn't have said "big kids don't act like this" or whatever.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I try not to say things like "Don't act like a baby" or "Only big boys can do that" but like previous posters I try to describe behavior rather than the child.


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## familylove (Mar 14, 2006)

But in my family it's inescapable, 'cause granparents and aunts always use it. It's just really NOT me.[/QUOTE]

This is a problem I face too. DH and I practice a MUCH different parenting style than either of our parents used with us. They see nothing wrong with saying, "You don't need to cry, you're a big boy." ERRRRGG!! Everybody needs to cry, regardless of age. And, a lot of times, he has no other way of communicating what he's feeling. DH or I usually rush over and do "damage control" by telling him its ok to be upset and cry and asking if he can use some words to let us know what's wrong so we can help. Anyway, getting OT here.

Since I started this thread, I've really been aware of when I use the term "big boy". I've pretty well just stopped using it. Parenting is a creative challenge, and using the right way to communicate is just one more area to examine.

Thanks again for the input,
Lauren


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## Ash&Clays_Mom (Mar 13, 2006)

Just wanted to say that I found this thread so helpful. My 3yo DD at times asks if she is a big girl but other times she says she's a baby. We also have been guilty of using "big girl" when she uses the potty or listens well to the teacher in her gym class. I will really become more conscious now of our use of big girl.

Thanks!

Mary

Ashleigh Nicole 1-17-03 & Clayton Matthew 1-31-05


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## mike (Sep 5, 2005)

Is it better to be a big boy or a little man


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