# Cremation vs. Burial



## *~Member~* (Feb 20, 2006)

Just the thought of posting this makes me ill to my stomach. But I know I need to be prepared for any possible outcome. Who buried their child and who cremated their angels? What are pros and cons? I really hope this doesn't sound insensitive I've been thinking about it though.







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## trini (Sep 20, 2005)

I don't know you or your situation, but first of all, hugs to you. And I don't think your question is at all insensitive.

We chose cremation. My husband is very pro-cremation vs. burial. Not exactly sure why, but it was fine by me (not that I wanted to really make a decision like that anyway). We do believe that a body is just a body and his spirit is no longer with it.

I didn't want to have a burial plot. A place that I'd feel bad if I didn't visit "enough" KWIM? I have my son's ashes (it has been over 3 years







: ) still sitting in the little container we got from the funeral home. I keep thinking I'll think of the "perfect" thing to do with them. But mostly I'm stuck because I don't want a place associated with him because those ashes are not him and I know he's dancing in heaven right now. (Don't know your religious beliefs but those are mine.)


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## *~Member~* (Feb 20, 2006)

See that's my thinking. I don't want to bury the baby and then never visit when I could set up a memorial at my home.......but I just don't know enough about burial and such to decide yet.







ty for the reply


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

We cremated ours because we were too out of it to decide what to do, and figured we could always inter the ashes later if we wanted a grave. Later we found out that, in my father's family, there was a tradition to bury stillborn babies at the feet of another relative's grave. So when my grandmother on that side died 10 months after our daughter was stillborn, we sprinkled part of the ashes at the feet of her grave (with my grandfather's permission, of course). I was going to put all of them there, but DH wanted to keep some at home, so half are at my grandmother's feet and half are in a fireproof safe with the memorial stuff from the hospital, ultrasound video, etc.


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## *~Member~* (Feb 20, 2006)

Lolar2- what a beautiful tradition your husbands family has ty for sharing


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## fallriverfox (Nov 16, 2006)

We plan to bury what we have in a open space (waiting for it to stop precipitating around here), there isn't really enough to cremate, or we probably would have gone that route.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Alisteal, it is definitely not an insensitive question--it is an unfortunate one that many of us have had to ask







We chose to bury our daughter, mainly because cremation just doesn't sit well with either of us. Dh's family has several plots in a small cemetary where many of their relatives are buried. Because we are a military family, and have the potential to move frequently, we didn't want to bury her here. We also now have plots in the same cemetary, although not right next to our daughter, as she was buried in one owned by my IL's. It was so sudden that we didn't have time (or $) to make arrangements for elsewhere, but she is surrounded by relatives, so it is not as strange as it might seem. We had our names put on the headstone as well, so that in the future people will know she was our daughter. It bothers me that I am unable to visit very often, but Dh's family goes several times a year and keeps it up.

One thing I will mention that we did not know is that if someone is buried out of state, they have to be embalmed to be taken over state lines. Had I know that, I _might_ have done things differently, as embalming is also something that I am very much against. So much, in fact, that DH didn't tell me, until I thought to ask months and months later. Also, different states have differnt requirements for sealed vs. unsealed caskets, so we ended up buying 2.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

It was a very tough choice for us. We went to several babyland areas in local cemetaries, but I just didn't like them, plus they also had rules about the type of headstone and type of decorations you can put out.

My IL's kept offering to allow us to bury here over so and so's grave, but we didn't want that either. We are a young couple, and don't know if we will be remaining where we are or not. I couldn't think of burying my daughter's remains then moving away to never go visit again. I knew a few people and they had kept the ashes and plan on having them buried with them when they pass on.

We had a hard time with the IL's, they were so against what we wanted to do, that the day before her funeral services they were calling to ask if they needed to dress for an outdoor burial or not. This is 3 days after we told them we were not burying or inturing, that we were cremating and keeping the remains.

We opted to cremate and purchased a special urn for her ashes. I also just recently purchased a curio cabnet to her urn in along with all of our memories of the pregnancy and birth of our daughter.


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## Julz6871 (Jun 14, 2006)

I don't think it is insensitive at all. In some ways it would have done me good to think about this ahead of time. We buried, but I never gave much thought to cremation because it is not something either family has done. My African in-laws would have flipped over cremation too, but I try to make my own decisions. My husband and I bought plots in the cemetary where most of my dad's family is buried-people I was close to. It is in rural Texas and I love it out there in the pine trees and calm-plus they have very loose rules so I can place pretty much any decorations/plants I want. (I think it is VERY important to ask about rules when choosing a location). My Angel is in what will be my plot positioned at the bottom of where my feet will be. Isn't it strange that in the past the thought of buying a plot and the position of my body in death would have creeped me out and now I have a reason for dying-to hold my baby again.

We bought a large double headstone and had our baby's information placed in the center heart-if that gives you an idea, kind of have to see it. So my husband and I will be buried with her forever, and I get there as often as I can.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

We buried our daughter simply b/c it was all we could do to survive during that time. We couldn't think outside the realm of burial and a gravesite and all of that. Since then, I've read a lot of stories of different burials and ceremonies and wish we would've done it differently (in little ways...nothing drastically different), but really, burying your child is the first and foremost thing in your mind and I don't know how we could've thought any differently at that point. I hope I'm making sense. We didn't choose one way or another, it kinda just happened that way.

FWIW, my IL's are the groundskeepers and plot managers of the cemetary where Reagan is buried so they were able to quickly obtain a plot. I suppose that may have had some influence on why we did things the way we did.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

We buried Mary Rose. I originally asked to cremate and my MIL was very upset about that so we had her buried, but I insisted she not be embalmed. She is buried next to her Granddad. In the long run I am glad we did not cremate. I don't get out there very often because it is several miles from where we live, but i am happy she is next to her Granddad.
Gossamer


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

I just couldn't figure out how to explain that tiny white cylinder to the kids. "we burned your sister" to save money ????? I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. Even though we believe and shared with our children that her body is in the cemetary but the best parts of her are waiting to be with us in heaven, we still went ahead with burial. It seemed more concrete and easy for them to understand that the tiny white box about the size of a baby was where their sister's body was. We don't visit often, but every once and a while if I am alone I do stop to the gravesite. Don't know why, but for me a visit a couple times a year feels about right. Twice in two years one of the kids has asked to go.

Lorrie


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

We are currently having to think about this as well. For us though, neither of us believe in burial, so it was a simple decision.

You may want to consider what funerary arrangements you've thought about/discussed/made for yourselves, and decide how that carries over.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

We chose cremation for Arawyn. I am very anti burial. I think in part because I am horribly claustrophobic. I actually really love cemeteries (I hope that doesn't come out totally ghoulish, it isn't I just think they are beautiful) especially the old ones. But there is one thing that always makes me a bit weepy, especially since losing Arawyn. Seeing all of those graves abandoned and forgotten. People poured out so much time and money to pick just the right coffin, just the right spot, just the right headstone, and now those are fallen to ruin and forgotten. It's especially hard when you can tell the inhabitant is a baby or young child. I thought about it and if we buried Arawyn who would remember her? My dh and I, maybe the boys but probably not in the long run. After we were gone she would just be alone in that grave, no one visiting. It was too horrible to consider. Also we don't know where we will live in a few years. I didn't want to bury her near my grandparents in PA and never be able to visit cause we are in Tx, but I also didn't want to bury her here in tx and have us move and her be alone with no family to tend her. And in the end it just seemed to strange to bury her when I myself have no intention of being buried. So we chose cremation. And her urn sits on the mantle of our home. She is a part of our family. Dh asked what I thought would happen to her when we died, if I expected the boys to keep her urn. I told him that when I die I want to be cremated and either her ashes can go through with my body or our ashes can be mixed after. Then whatever is done with my ashes she will go with me. It seems fitting to me. She only ever lived inside of my body, that is where she should return.

Some times, rarely, I do regret not having her buried. I hear the other mamas talk about visiting their angels graves and decorating the headstones and a part of me wishes I could do that too. A part of me would like to see her name in stone some where, where other people could see that she was real, that she existed. To have some where permanent to go visit her. To decorate for holidays and birthdays. And like I said, I love cemeteries. But I would only be visiting her body there, my daughter is gone. She would no more be in that cemetery than she is in the urn on our mantel. I can talk to her any where I want. In the living room looking at her urn, or standing by the lake where we go every year for her anniversary to release a balloon. And sometimes I go to a very old family cemetery I know of. It is quite and peaceful there and I feel very close to her there.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

I have had this discussion with my DH (he is a funeral director) several times (sadly he has had to make arrangements for quite a few babies this year) and he said that the decision is pretty much split down the middle. Some do choose cremation because of the cost - it definitely costs less - but some also choose it because they want to keep their little one close by. I have a friend that lost her baby at 30 weeks and she seemed to be very comforted by having her daughter's ashes at home with her. I think that it is a personal decision that should only be made by you and your DH - don't worry about what others will think or say - do what your heart tells you is best for your family.
If you want to talk to someone who is more knowledgeable please feel free to PM me and I will get you in touch with my DH - he is remarkably good at what he does and as a father of 2 little girls he unerstands what it means to be a parent.


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## 2Sweeties1Angel (Jan 30, 2006)

We buried our son at the foot of my grandfather's grave. I need a place to visit him and I couldn't stand the thought of burning his little body. One of the pets would probably knock the urn over anyway. I only visit his grave 1 or 2 times/year despite his being buried in the town I live in.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

On Tuesday we cremated our baby girl, Naiya. We decided that with cremation we could take her with us whenever we move. I think it was a very good decision for us to do things the Japanese way. First we got her dressed, put her in a moses basket surrounded by flowers, covered her with a thin handmade blanket and took her to the crematorium. There we saw her put into the "room" and then went and waited with our friends we have made here. About 2 hours later we were taken into a room where we were instructed to remove her bones from the table of ashes with chopsticks. DH removed some, then our friends removed some, then DH removed the rest. Her bones were placed in a container with teddy bears on it that our friends bought for Naiya. We were given toys, flowers, and handmade items to place around her picture and cremation container at home. We also were given incense to light when we speak with her. Everyday we give her fresh water and usually a food offering as well. Having this "shrine" has brought me a lot of peace and I like that she is always with us. I feel that sometimes we in America tend to forget our dead by placing them at a burial site that we never get to go to. . .this way we always have her with us and I can speak with her all the time. It is very comforting for me right now.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alisteal* 
Lolar2- what a beautiful tradition your husbands family has ty for sharing









My father's family, actually, but I thought so too.


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

We buried Benjamin. At the time cremation did not sit well with me at all. Sometimes I wish we had cremated him so I could always have him here with me. But I do like going to his gravesite and decorating it. My family and IL's also place things out there for him. I think once we move to our new home, dh and I will find a cemetery we want to be buried in and have him moved there to be with us.


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