# Is tickling a way of bonding of cruel torment?



## erica mayer (Dec 26, 2007)

I always tickle my daughter and she seems to enjoy it. The other night my daughter was in her highchair and I started tickling her feet. She was strapped and could barley squirm. She was laughing like a hyena. But I wondered if it was as harmless and playful as I thought. What are your opinions?


----------



## nathansmum (Nov 13, 2003)

From what I understand - laughing is a reflex that can't be helped when tickled (I remember it happening to me and I certainly wasn't enjoying it). However, I do tickle my kids if they are free to roll around and play and communicate (I didn't do it to them as babies) - usually for only a second or two to gauge their involvement. Both kids ask for more and it's only done in very short bursts and I certainly stop when it appears that it's moved on to a more involuntary giggle if ykwim?

So yep, I do think it's tormenting unless it's asked for and they have the ability to get away and stop that game at any time.

If in doubt, I would avoid tickling.


----------



## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

I would also see how she acts immediately after you stop. Does she seem irritated, upset, cry, etc? Or is she happy and seem to want more?


----------



## newlywaaz (Oct 19, 2006)

When I tickle babies or kids, I usually warn them it's coming "I'm going to get you!", tickle for a couple of seconds at a time, and then pause to gauge their reaction. If they're squirming and smiling and not at all attempting to end the interaction (or like my son, grabbing my hand and putting it back on the bottom of his foot), I'll continue, but always with a warning (hand coming in from far away or anticipatory noise/words) and pausing every few seconds to let them catch their breath, run away, or whatever. It is usually VERY obvious to me when a kid's had enough, and that's when we move on to a different form of play that's usually a lot less hands-on and more kid-directed so they realize that it's ok to set boundaries, etc., etc. I remember LOVING to be tickled by adults that I trusted, but every now and then there was a situation wherein I felt like I was trapped (never by my parents because they could read my cues) or not in control or whatever, and that was never pleasant. I've heard a few stories of kids being tickled so much they wet their pants, and that is definitely taking things too far, imo.


----------



## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

It's cruel torment the way DD does it. She tries to pull my toe-nails off








We do tickle, and she loves it for short periods, then we normally move in for a hug.


----------



## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

I was tickled WAY beyond the point of it being fun as a child, actually it wasn't fun at all because even when it was just starting up I was pretty much trapped and I knew the horrible panicky not-breathing was coming. My father is a total UAV. For that reason I am VERY careful about tickling, as a PP mentioned I give a warning, then a little tickle, then a long pause to make sure DS is having fun. And I move on pretty quickly to another activity.


----------



## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Ticlking is mostly about the anticipation in our household, and it's a LOT of fun. The amount of time I'm actually tickling them is about 2 seconds at a time, I would say...the rest of it is me wiggling my fingers, "prowling" slowly towards them saying silly things and maing goofy faces, and it gets them in hysterics before I even put a finger on them. The actual tickling is done in short bursts with recovery time in between. Come to think of it, sometimes I don't even make it to the actual tickle, they're laughing so hard at my shenanigans leading up to it. They do it to me too...picture 18-mo-old DD walking slowly towards me, wiggling her fingers saying, "coh-coh" and giggling







. I am always careful to gauge their body language and if they start to resist or don't want to do it anymore, we stop immediately.

I have great memories of tickling form my childhood too, cause it was never forced on me if I wanted it to stop.


----------



## nighten (Oct 18, 2005)

As long as it's fun, it's fine. But when I was little, my dad would tickle me if I was hurt, upset, or angry, and I think that was wrong, because I would get _more_ upset from him doing it -- he was in effect, telling me I shouldn't express myself if I was having a "negative" emotion, by trying to turn it into laughter. I understand that in his mind he was just trying to distract me or "cheer me up" but to this day I still feel squicky about it and make a point not to do the same with my child.

A little tickling is fine, as long as it's fun for the "victim" -- once it stops being fun, or if it's used inappropriately, then time to stop.


----------



## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

I'm careful about tickling, because I have boundary issues with it myself (experiences as a kid where I was not respected and tickling was the excuse for inappropriate touching, not to mention excessive tickling itself, which is also frightening).

First, I only tickle dd when we're playing and having fun. Second, I always make sure that it's a short tickle and she has time to breathe in between laughing. Third, she is never strapped down/in or otherwise restrained when being tickled, so if she wants she can get away. And finally, I try to gauge how she's reacting after each tickle, to tell if she's done or wants me to tickle her again. I've talked to dh about these things and he does the same. I remember it being very scary to have someone keep tickling you and you're yelling "STOP" but laughing at the same time because you can't help it and all you want to do is get away.







Definitely do not want my dd to ever feel that way.

I also protect her from other people who think it's funny to keep tickling her or otherwise violate her personal space. I have one aunt who just does. not. get. it. and I leave the room with dd when that aunt gets too pushy with dd. Fortunately, she doesn't live nearby so it hasn't come up more than once.


----------



## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

All in good fun, here. The kids do it to us, we do it to them, etc. My oldest asks for it and my youngest tries to get in on it if he's not at the start.


----------



## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

We always had a "time out" rule for tickling when I was growing up. If you tickle and someone say "time out," you must stop immediately. For kids who are too young to say "time out," I think you should only tickle if they are free to move away when they've had enough.


----------



## JustJamie (Apr 24, 2006)

I think it can be harmless fun, but I think it can also become cruel.

I remember being tickled to the point where I couldn't breath...I was begging the tickler to stop, and rarely did they actually stop.

I do tickle my daughter, I chase her and say I'm going to get her...she shrieks and runs and hides in a corner or something, and it turns into a huge game, usually ending up with her chasing me saying she's going to get me.

She also "gets me" while nursing or just cuddling. It's very cute. But, if at any point she ever says "no" or "stop" or gives any nonverbal indication that she doesn't want to be tickled, I will immediately respect her.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

You need to gauge the child's reaction- and if in doubt, don't do it.

The biggest problems with tickling in my house are when DD1 is tickling DD2. She really doesn't understand that, just because her sister is laughing is NOT a guarantee that she's enjoying herself!


----------



## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

em - really cool that this occured to you even after the fact. I was very ticklish as a kid and that scenerio - if the tickling lasted more than say 5 sec would have upset me even if I was laughing


----------



## tsume (Jun 4, 2005)

I personally don't tickle and I don't like being tickled. Same reasons as some of the pp.

The mister loves to tickle. But he has learned to be respectful of the tickle-ee and not go over-board.

Why Not Tickle My Child? cool article - dh didn't get it until he read the article.


----------



## Xenopus (Nov 23, 2006)

Yipes,

Precisely along with what a PP said, I too was tickled as a child, and that person went waaaay overboard with what would be thought of as appropriate touching. I also remember people trying to use tickling to "cheer me up" when I was upset about something - it just made me more upset.

I don't tickle DD for more than a few seconds at a time, it's always gentle, she can always get away, and I keep other people from tickling very much at all. DH gets it, thankfully.

Just because the LO is laughing doesn't mean she's having fun....

Best,
Xen


----------



## CawMama (Nov 4, 2005)

I agree, I think a little bit of tickling is fun, but when it is to the point where the child feels trapped or out of control it should be stopped. I can always sort of tell by ds's reactions when he isn't digging it anymore.

I built up my defenses from being tickled (I am pretty darn ticklish, but not many people know). I've learned to use major mind control and act like I'm not ticklish when people try (it's really hard to do sometimes)....but I've found that by doing that, people give up because they aren't getting the result they had hoped for.


----------



## LaLaLaLa (Oct 29, 2007)

I, personally, don't like to be tickled, although I never had a traumatic experience with it like some people have. I'm very sensitive to what my kids think, though. Dd, three and a half years old, doesn't particularly like to be tickled, or even touched or cuddled much. She asks for small amounts of tickling but then has had enough and moves on. Ds, almost two years old, would love to be tickled all day long. He also is incredibly cuddly and loves to be touched in any way. Every time I stop tickling to check his reaction, he starts saying "again! Again?" so I know he's having a good time.

I read somewhere that tickling has an evolutionary purpose. Most of the ticklish areas of the body are the most sensitive to predators--the soft belly and armpits, the sensitive neck, the inner thighs covering the femoral artery. Because small children laugh when tickled, it's a game most parents will delight in, and it meanwhile teaches kids to curl up and roll around to defend their most vulnerable areas. It's not so important now, but that would have been a crucial life lesson for young cave-children to learn.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with anything, of course, but I'm always interested in knowing why our bodies do the strange things that they do, and I'm always pleased to learn a possible cause so I thought I'd share with any other biology geek-types who might be out there.


----------



## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

I remember having "tickle contests" as a kid, we'd line up on the floor and my mom would tickle us and we'd try not to laugh. We desperately wanted to do it! So I do think tickling is usually fun.

BUT there's a point where the tickling can get overwhelming. I think it's important for the adult to be very aware of the child's cues and stop as soon as the kid indicates that they're done.

My kids sometimes ask for tickling, or want to tickle me, but we make it brief or stop the second that somebody isn't enjoying it any more.


----------



## butterflykisses4 (Oct 16, 2007)

We tickle when they can get away. Usually they run and if "the tickle monster" doesn't chase they get angry. So for them they love it. but always when they can get away and end the tickling when they want.


----------



## Logan's Mom (Mar 2, 2006)

My son loves to be tickled. He asks me for more when I stop!


----------



## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

DS isn't ticklish







I could tickle him till the cows came home and he wouldn't even giggle. He laughs like a mad man when I kiss his toes, so I try not to over do that. He loves it though, he often sticks his feet up to be kissed while we are nursing. If he gets too excited he sometimes accidently kicks my nose.


----------



## horsedoctor (Dec 27, 2007)

a little bit = fun
too much = torment

My Dad tickled a cousin (or two) until they peed their pants. They have never forgotten about it, and they are well over 40 years old.


----------



## maxsmum (Nov 29, 2006)

my DS loves it! he asks for more when he wants it to continue, he signs "more" and then pretends to tickle his own belly. it is too cute


----------



## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

My 1 year old learned the sign for 'more' to tickling. She really likes it. We don't do it for more than 1 or 2 seconds. And we only tickle her when she's otherwise completely in control of her own body. So we don't tickle if she's on our laps. But we will if she lying on the bed/couch.


----------



## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

My son is SO ticklish and even though he laughed iwhen tickled it was almost painful for him when he was younger. He laughed but it wasn't fun for him. I made a "no tickle" rule for him so relatives, etc. wouldn't do it. This made he feel much better.

I don't think tickling is "bad" but just because someone is laughing ( a reflex) doesn't mean they like it - especially if it goes on for too long.


----------



## kungfumoose (Feb 8, 2006)

I tickle my daughter. I also let her tickle me, (and boy does she love it!!)
I try and be as respectful as possible. I do more raspberies on her tummy, and nibbling the bottom of her feet though. I am careful, and I make sure that she is always able to get away if she wants. I also use other methods of close play that don't involve tickling.

I was tickled to the point of torment when I was a kid. I used to tell my dad I had to pee, and at first he would let me go, but I think he figured out it was just an excuse, because after awhile, it didn't work, so i peed on him. Then after that, I usually got away if I told him that I had to pee. It was very traumatising.
I was also molested as a child (I don't know who did it) so I learned pretty early on, that personal bounderies, and body integrity really never meant much to the adults in my life. I always felt like a victim.
I am extremely ticklish, but I cannot allow tickling, and if DH tries, I don't laugh. Even when I want to, I can't. I just physically cannot laugh, no matter how much it tickles. (When DD "tickles" me, it doesn't really tickle, and I just laugh, and pretend that she is doing it right)


----------

