# For grandparents visiting post birth



## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

Or for anyone who wants to chime in on this.

Is it considered "normal" for grandparents to visit immediately after baby is born? Is it rude for the parents to ask them to wait for a couple of days to come visit?

I'm kind of private for several days after birth. I "selfishly" like to just have my DH and children together alone before anyone else comes. Obviously, grandparents are excited and want to share the first few hours. So is it pretty much accepted that grandparents or other close family members have the "right" to expect to be there right away?

I'm willing to change my view if I can see it from a grandparents' perspective. I'm not a grandparent yet. So maybe I will see things differently at that time.


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## notjustmamie (Mar 7, 2007)

From what my in-laws have shared, most grandparents would want to be there from the minute your babe is out. However, you (and DH) are the ones who are responsible to set the timeline. If you want or need some time to just gather with your new family member, that's for you to decide and the grandparents to cool their heels a few extra days/weeks and come when you're ready.

Now, for DH and me, the grandparents live in separate states/countries, so there was no question of coming immediately. But my brother and sister lived in town and they didn't see DD until we invited them to. SIL offered to come to the hospital, but we politely declined her offer and said we'd see them later.

One thing to keep in mind, if you'll be birthing in the hospital and you have the sort of family that would call on their own to see if you are there, you may want to leave instructions with the switchboard that your information/room number is not to be released. Most hospitals in our area will give out the room number of new moms to anybody who calls to ask.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

I don't know if my parents will be able to come out immediately after I give birth, but I know my MIL will be. I don't plan on calling her until I'm well into labor so she won't get here right away (she's 5 hours away). Then I have no problem with her showing up at the hospital for an hour or so and staying at our house a for a day or so. I wish we lived closer to both sets of parents though so they could come for an hour and then I could kick them out. I do want them there though so it's going to have to be a few day stretch due to distance.


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## dogmom327 (Apr 19, 2007)

My FIL and his wife were going to be in the area (more or less) for a family reunion two weeks after my due date. They were going to stay in a hotel. However, I told DH that if I hadn't delivered by a week before their visit, they couldn't come and DH (bless his heart) let his dad know this and got his agreement. Having a week (minimum!) is extremely important IMHO. Do not have anyone over who you don't 1. adore, 2. doesn't require any effort such as having a clean house, 3. can get their own drinks, food, etc. and 4. is going to be helpful while they are there (cleaning bathroom, doing dishes, etc.). For me it worked out. DS was 15 days early so he was almost a month old by the time they visited.


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

Well, my MIL was in the delivery room and my parents started driving right away so they could get her asap. But, that's what we all wanted. I don't think there's any right or wrong here and certainly no grandparental right to see the baby before X number of hours have passed. Be happy the grandparents want to be involved (I have friends where they don't and that's very sad) and set limits you are comfortable with.


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## paphia (Jun 22, 2007)

It's okay to have whatever time you feel you need. For my first birth (hospital) my mom was in town, waited at the hospital and when I was ready (about 45 minutes after birth) we invited her in to meet the baby. ILs came about 3 days pp and that was more stressful. My mom didn't expect to be waited on; ILs expected us to leave the house for dinner (ugh) and I went, not knowing what a pain it would be.

Grandparents that are super-excited and pushy about seeing the baby can just wait. This is your time to get to know your new baby and recover from your birth. Other people's family dynamics don't really matter - it's about what you need in this time.


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## KD's Momma (Oct 24, 2004)

We don't let anyone come around for 1 weeks after delivery. We need time as a family to get in the groove and just be together and enjoy our new family. My ILs don't have any issues with this and are very good about giving us our space and helping with anything we need. My mom on the other hand does not do well with this and even showed up at the hosp when DS#2 was born, she was quickly told by my nurse that she was not allowed into the room, per my instructions, and I still hear about it 2.5 yrs later. Luckily, for DS#3 she was not in town and had previous plans that didn't allow her to come see us for 3 weeks, it was nice!!


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

Apparently. Doesn't mean I enjoy it, though.

With both of our kids, the inlaws were walking in the door literally WITHIN MINUTES of coming home. Urgh. My mom did the same thing, but I don't mind her as much because she has some respect for me as the new mama - doesn't grab the baby out of my hands, doesn't show up unannounced, KNOCKS, ya know, stuff like that. The inlaws are a different story.







:


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## delicious (Jun 16, 2003)

i would have loved for my parents to come & meet the baby and help me out a little. they didn't show, though. well, not till i was past the tough part.


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## jewelsJZ (Jan 10, 2008)

Sigh. Dh and I just discussed this again tonight and we are soon to have our 3rd. In-laws and my mother are all pushy about being around. I like my privacy to bond with baby and be alone w/ my husband and other children, but it is like it kills them to have to wait a few days. I also want privacy for my body: post-partum bleeding, getting breastfeeding established. Plus they have not been able to respect the 1 hour for a visit rule, nor do they do anything around the house to help, although they try to be helpful, they just aren't. With my first, my in-laws, mother and sister all stated they would be there for the birth, in the delivery room! I informed them all that it is NOT a spectator sport and they WOULD NOT be doing that. My sister was the only one who was respectful about it.

Okay, sorry, this topic really sets me off. This is a hot topic every time I have seen it come up on any message board, at a playgroup, etc. Most women feel strongly about who they want around, when they want them around and what they need. So whatever you want, make it known.
My dh supports me but I just realized that I cannot rely on him to communicate this to his family this time around because in the past he doesn't do it until just before birth and then I spend the entire pregnancy fending them off. This just happened again today, both my MIL and my BIL were bugging me to come and take care of my other two kids while I am at the hospital, even though I told them my sister is doing that, they kept saying they would come. So then I come home to a house full of people, who do not feed themselves or help around the house, and my milk is coming in? I don't think so.
What's the difference, really, if they meet the baby at day one or week one? Still a newborn. Still cute. Mommy has gotten some rest. Everybody wins.
I get it that they are excited. They've waited nine months, just like we have. But when their excitement overpowers their ability to be respectful and/or helpful, that's where I have to draw the line.


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## fallriverfox (Nov 16, 2006)

I think what you should do depends a lot on how you get along with your family. But I did want to add other possible viewpoint. After my girl was born, my mother, while she was of course delighted to see her grandchild, really needed to see me (her baby) and see that I was okay, so you might be sensitive to that. But again, it really depends on your family dynamic.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

We're having our first in a few weeks and this topic has had me a bit worried. But I'm a very introverted person and extremely jealous of my personal space. Although I expect a bit of huffiness, we are making it very clear that we will not have visitors until at least 10 days after the birth, and possibly up to two weeks. I need to establish breastfeeding and bond with this baby, I will look like hell, and I will need time to recover physically and figure out the whole feeding and sleeping and diaper changing thing without constantly feeling like I have to entertain guests.

I know they mean well but this isn't about them. This is about me and my family and our needs. We come first and fortunately, DH is totally on board with helping me enforce our boundaries if necessary. You only get one babymoon with your little one, you know? Why risk disrupting or ruining it just because you're worried about hurting some pushy relatives' feelings? They should have the tact and consideration not to shove themselves on you at such a delicate time.

Channel your inner Mama Bear and stand up for your right to privacy. NO ONE on this earth has any "right" to see you before you're ready. No one.

Just my $0.02.


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## MyBoysBlue (Apr 27, 2007)

My Mom and DH were the only ones here for DS2's UC birth. The next morning my Dad, Sister and Brother all stopped by for a few minutes on their way to work. We were all still in bed and they just joined us in our room. They actually got to see DS 2 before DS 1 did as he was with the inlaws that night a half hour away. We did go to the IL's the next afternoon as we had an appointment with the doc to have DS checked out, who was in the same town. We also to pick up DS 1 and introduce him to his little brother. I wish DS 1 would have been there for the birth or just after. It wasn't planned for him to be staying over the IL's for the birth, it just happened that I went into labour the night he was there.

For DS1's birth which was in the hospital, I had friends come see us before the IL's did. I kept wondering if they didn't want to see him. He was their first grandchild. They decided they wanted to go buy DS's carseat they promised us before coming to see him. He was born early but I didn't need the carseat for 2 more days. My Parents were on the other side of the country when DS 1 was born.


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## mustangtbn (Jun 23, 2007)

With our first we delayed visitors (over the grandparents' loud protests) until a week after DD was born. I'm so glad we did. I'm a bit of an introvert and remember that first week so fondly, while the few weeks after are a blur of being extra-exhausted, not from the baby, but from guests constantly in our house.

Figure out what you and DH want and do it. Everyone else's job is to be supportive of you, regardless of if they like your decisions or not. The baby won't be any less exciting a week or two (or more) after it is born.


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## SiobhanAoife (Jun 10, 2008)

I am 38weeks with my first, and can't decide when my parents should come out to visit. They live 2800 miles away, and so they aren't around very often, and it's important to me that they come and help and meet the baby and bond with her, too. This will be their first grandchild. They'll come whenever I ask them to, and so I thought I'd like them out here pretty much immediately after the birth (like 2 days later or so). But everyone tells me that I'd be happier with longer alone. But I like having my mom around, she's comforting and she'll go get dinner and run the laundry and all. They're not the sort who'll need to be taken care of and entertained, and if I ask them to leave us alone for the day or whatever then they will and will not be offended - but I'd rather not waste my rare, precious time with my folks by telling them to go away, either, if I really won't want them around! I really am not sure what to do. I don't have a clear sense of what I will need/want once the baby is here.


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## Mal85 (Sep 3, 2008)

I'm pregnant with my first right now, but there have been 14 births in my family already (my nieces and nephews). The day of the birth tends to get pretty crazy. Everyone wants to visit immediately. I have a huge family, so it ends up being like 20 people in a hospital room at one time to see the new baby. I'm really quite used to things being like this, since I grew up in the family, so it doesn't bother me so much. My husband gets uncomfortable with all of them around, especially in a small space like a hospital room. Once that first day is out of the way, tho, they tend to keep their space unless invited. So, I think we can deal with it. As far as the birth goes, I want my mom there and my MIL (she's a massage therapist, so she can help me out during labor with pain relief). My sisters have already stated they want to be in the room as well. I also have a SIL that is an OB nurse at the hospital I'll be delivering at, so it's possible she'll be working when I have the baby. I've been present for the births of 6 of my nieces and nephews, so I feel kind of bad telling others in my family I don't want them there. I am hoping to go without pain medication tho, so I don't really want to feel like I have to entertain them. (most people in my family have used an epi) I have especially not been getting along with one of my sisters throughout this pregnancy. She is very opinionated about everything my husband and I want to do with this pregnancy, birth, and baby. I really don't want to deal with her opinions while I'm in labor. I think they are waiting for me to invite them in the room, tho so hopefully I can avoid the whole issue. I would really prefer to just have my husband, my mom, and MIL there for the birth.... *sigh* I really don't want to deal with the confrontation when they start asking me if they can be there...


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## Xiaguan (Dec 19, 2005)

Some questions I think of are:

How close are you to your parents/IL's?

How far away are they from you?

I have 5 kids







the first 4 were born in the same city as all the grands







They were all at the hospital (in the waiting room) & came in for a quick peek. Reassurance that all was well. Short visit & they were off. They did stop by when they could & cooked/cleaned/helped me in anyway possible but except for holding the baby while I showered or something really just played with the other kids or let us be







Wonderful situation

Baby #5 we now live 12 hours away so they had to come visit for the suration. But they all proved in prior births that they respected the bonding. It was different but oh so helpful~ They really helped me with the other kids & all the housework. I would not have been able to entertain at all.

I will say that the first time I was worried how they would react. I know that I am blessed with some pretty cool grands but it was a learning experience for us all.

Our 4th child was a situation that I would not wish on anyone. I was leaking fluid for 13 weeks & we were not sure if we were going to be bringing a live baby home. really scary thought going into the hospital. She ended up being perfect & healthy but small. I had wanted no one at the hospital not even my kids. My MIL & I had a big fight over it where she told me " This is my grandbaby & if she dies I want to see her as soon as possible." I had not realized how emotionally difficult it was on her as well(I was a wreck!) I know that it is hard but like a pp said sometimes they just want to make sure their baby is OK & get the added bonus of seeing a really cool extension of their baby









Melissa


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## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xiaguan* 
Some questions I think of are:

How close are you to your parents/IL's?

How far away are they from you?

I have 5 kids







the first 4 were born in the same city as all the grands







They were all at the hospital (in the waiting room) & came in for a quick peek. Reassurance that all was well. Short visit & they were off. They did stop by when they could & cooked/cleaned/helped me in anyway possible but except for holding the baby while I showered or something really just played with the other kids or let us be







Wonderful situation

Baby #5 we now live 12 hours away so they had to come visit for the suration. But they all proved in prior births that they respected the bonding. It was different but oh so helpful~ They really helped me with the other kids & all the housework. I would not have been able to entertain at all.

I will say that the first time I was worried how they would react. I know that I am blessed with some pretty cool grands but it was a learning experience for us all.

Our 4th child was a situation that I would not wish on anyone. I was leaking fluid for 13 weeks & we were not sure if we were going to be bringing a live baby home. really scary thought going into the hospital. She ended up being perfect & healthy but small. I had wanted no one at the hospital not even my kids. My MIL & I had a big fight over it where she told me " This is my grandbaby & if she dies I want to see her as soon as possible." I had not realized how emotionally difficult it was on her as well(I was a wreck!) I know that it is hard but like a pp said sometimes they just want to make sure their baby is OK & get the added bonus of seeing a really cool extension of their baby









Melissa

I really appreciate this from the MIL/grandparents' perspective. It's hard for me to be empathetic when I'm pregnant, especially at the end of pregnancy. I go so inward and get so reclusive until a few weeks after the birth. I'm trying to be sensitive to others' feelings as well as take care of my own needs.


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## nwmom61 (Apr 15, 2008)

this is from Grandma's point of view.

It is up to the parents. I was there for 4 out of my 6 grandchildren's births. I missed 2 because we were traveling for one and I had a broken ankle for the other and was unable to drive. I am the "in law" and I was the only Grandma invited. The "other grandma" was not very helpful with babe #1. My dil told the "other grandma" she didn't want her in the room when she was delivering. I was very quietly asked to stay since I was being supportive. She later told me my calm nature was what she needed. The other grandma was not that kind of a person. I am very close to all my grandchildren because I feel I was there for the birth. For the 2 births I missed, I asked when I could come. I arrived with gifts for the older siblings and a weeks worth of freezer meals. After greeting everyone, I got out the vaccuum cleaner and just got to work on the house.

I guess my message is, yes, by all means have them there ONLY IF YOU FEEL THEY WILL BE HELPFUL. Do not invite them if you are only inviting them to spare their feelings. This is YOUR child, YOUR birth and you should be totally comfortable with whatever you choose. That child is not going to know whether or not grandma was there for the birth or even if grandma visted on day 1 or day 30. They can still have close relationships if they choose to do so.


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SiobhanAoife* 
I am 38weeks with my first, and can't decide when my parents should come out to visit. They live 2800 miles away, and so they aren't around very often, and it's important to me that they come and help and meet the baby and bond with her, too. This will be their first grandchild. They'll come whenever I ask them to, and so I thought I'd like them out here pretty much immediately after the birth (like 2 days later or so). But everyone tells me that I'd be happier with longer alone. But I like having my mom around, she's comforting and she'll go get dinner and run the laundry and all. They're not the sort who'll need to be taken care of and entertained, and if I ask them to leave us alone for the day or whatever then they will and will not be offended - but I'd rather not waste my rare, precious time with my folks by telling them to go away, either, if I really won't want them around! I really am not sure what to do. I don't have a clear sense of what I will need/want once the baby is here.

This is like me. My parents were here for 2-3 weeks after each birth and frankly, I could easily have had them around longer. My mom makes delicious meals, does all the laundry - even puts it away. My dad will get up in the middle of the night to hold a fussy baby and even get the baby to fall asleep. I think I cried both times when they left.

You won't turn into another whole person when the baby is born though it might feel like that. If you like your folks around now, you will probably like them around after the birth as well.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Seems to be normal but that doesn't make it right.

Last time was pretty sucky for me. IL's were at the hospital the evening after the birth, and again the next day, and came to the house the day we were released (originally they wanted us to go right from the hospital to a restaurant for brunch). They were "sit around and visit and hold the baby" type company, in spite of the disaster that my house was and how badly I needed help, and sleep. Barely 48 hours postpartum and I was perched on a folding chair in my kitchen so I could get away from them and try to figure out nursing. Couldn't even feel comfortable nursing in my own comfy chair in the living room. DH was in this "drink and smoke cigars and celebrate" mode (not literally smoking cigars, but you know what I mean) and totally oblivious to the crap that I was going through.

This time, my foot is down. My bleeding booty is staying firmly in bed and my baby is staying on my naked boob and I don't give a crap. They can all sit around my living room for all I care while I chill in my babymoon nest.







:


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## marrymeflyfree (Jan 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommyintraining2* 
Is it considered "normal" for grandparents to visit immediately after baby is born? Is it rude for the parents to ask them to wait for a couple of days to come visit?

I think it is expected...though like you, I'd prefer something different.

When my daughter was born 4 months ago, the plan was for us to call my parents at some point and book them on a flight up to see us. I didn't want them at the birth, and this way we could sort of control when they arrived. We called them once we knew labor was well under way (around midnight), and told them not to get on the first 6am flight that morning since we didn't know how long things would be. They were to be on the evening flight the next day.

My mom said yes ok sure sounds good blah blah blah. And then they hopped in the car an hour later and started driving. They knew our plans and knew what we wanted...but they did their own thing anyway.

So fast forward about 13 hours. Our babe was born at the birth center and we were headed home. An hour's drive. I call along the way to see if they have had problems booking their flight. "No problems at all since we drove. We're an hour from your house."

Arghhghghh.

They, literally, walked in our front door less than 2 minutes after we did. We had ZERO downtime at all before they arrived. On top of it, my mother had a terrible cold that she was trying like hell to hide. They were sent right back home about 30 hours later because of it.

I tried very hard to hide my displeasure...they only did it because they were excited and wanted to be a part of her birth and arrival in some way. I understand that, and I think it is sweet - but in retrospect I wish I'd been more clear and forthright about our wishes and needs beforehand. I already felt guilty about not inviting my mom to the birth itself. But next time will be different.

The bottom line in my experience is that grandparents do need to bond in their own way with this new member of the family...and being able to see the baby when it is sooo new and fresh and precious is very important to many. A just-birthed baby is a rarity. It's such a fleeting point in time, and they want to be a part of it. But...I do think that the needs and desires of the parents and newly formed family should come first, and I think that should be respected. In the future, I will not feel guilty for making my feelings well known beforehand.


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## grniys (Aug 22, 2006)

My MIL told me as soon as I had my ds she and her mom and all her sister's were coming out to visit. Ha, no! I was very clear that baby and I needed time to bond and establish breastfeeding first. Of course, they lived very far away and would have likely been staying in my house for a week or so. Yeah, that wasn't happening.

Them showing up at the hospital isn't an issue since we live far away, but if it were I don't think I'd allow family to visit for the first day. I don't feel up for visitors, I don't feel that comfortable around my in-laws and I want to bond with my baby.

I did have my bff stop by a few hours after ds was born and bring me food! She held him while I ate. But she was very respectful, not pushy and annoying like family would be.

It's all about your comfort level, imo. If you don't want lots of visitors, don't have them.


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

I wouldnt DREAM of giving birth without my mom there. She is ( now) a retired RN who doesnt hold much trust in some medical professionals she will flat out tell you she has seen to many stupid doctors and nurses make grave miistakes. She is my watch dog







: She keeps and eye on things quietly from the room and speaks up of DH misses something or if a nurse is going to do something I havent approved of... I guess she is my oversite doula LOL. She is only about 40 min from me and will come help me out as needed. She KNOWS how I do laundry, fold towels cook food shop etc. I know not everyones mom is like that ( and we havent ALWAYS gotten along but are close now)
As for my MIL and FIL. I had to pick a date for them to come visit. They usually fly here ( from CA TO MD) in the fall. Last time with Nathan MIL came the week prior to my due date... BIG MISTAKE. They are flying in the week after my due date this time. There are other things they want to do like see my 16yr old's foot ball game and my 4 yr old's soccer game so I couldnt push it back to far. My MIL will also watch Nathan while I go to the hospital iif the baby hasnt come by then. My MIL is NOT as big of a help. She buys all kinds of crap I throw away when she leaves ( serously a full trash bag of stuff). DH knows when they are getting on my nerves and sends them on a day trip the next day (







)


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

I think grandparents have a lot of feelings and really do want to see that little baby when they are just born, two weeks later isn't quite the same thing. If they are the type of person who can listen to your requests and not be pushy, than I think its really nice if you can give them a glimpse of baby in the first day or two. But that's all it needs to be really...they can hold and cuddle that baby later, for now you need to bond and baby doesn't need to be passed around.

If they live far, and just a glimpse without a longer stay isn't possible than I'd probably limit any visits to when you are ready, but at least send them pictures!

The way it worked with my son's birth, my parents came up my scheduled day of induction...a five hour drive. Met baby at the hospital, about an hour after birth (literally just looked and cooed, no holding) left and went back to the hotel, came back the next day and waited while we were discharged and helped us drive all our stuff home. and then left and drove back five hours home, it was worth it to them to do 10 hours of driving for what was essentially two hours of actually seeing us, my mom held the baby once very briefly. They came back 8 days later for a longer visit. Same thing with MIL even though she lives close, she got to see and meet the baby and then we didn't see her again for a week.

This time around I might have them around more so they can entertain my three year old, they are very useful that way. But at the time I didn't really need help yet (the need for help really didn't kick in for about a week, when we ran out of food, and the house had gotten messy) and I did need to bond. I knew they would be respectful of my requests though so it was ok to have them come and be around in those early hours, because I could count on them leaving politely with no bad feelings if I asked.


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## elanorh (Feb 1, 2006)

Obviously everyone's different (both in terms of familial dynamics and intrinsic personality/how one deals as an individual with the arrival of a new babe) ....

I think for FTMs, the important thing is to make sure that your visitors know that you're in charge (and your dh) - and that if they visit, they need to be helpful and to be following your rules. And that you may not know what the rules are until after they arrive.









My ILs visited at the hospital the day after both our births (they live here in town). And my parents came to visit the day after we got home from the hospital with Ina (dd1). Mom pretty much just cooked and cleaned and reassured me about things .... she held Ina a few times for me but knew that I needed to be the one holding my baby. With dd2, Mom came by herself for 3-4 days, and got to the house when SJ was 2 days old. Mom pretty much entertained dd1 who was three, cooked, cleaned, held SJ when I asked her to .... it was a nice way to ease into having a baby at home again.

The ILs keep their distance for awhile after a baby arrives ....

Our favorite visitor at the hospital both times, has been dh's 'adopted' Grandma, who is so filled with joy at holding a newborn (and not pushy either). For her, at 83 years of age, this is a really special thing - a continuation of life.

....At the same time, I am bothered by people in general who 'just stop by' after a baby is born, especially if they're sick. It's hard to ask them to leave ... but I figure, if they find me in my pj's at 2pm with a newborn, then that's their fault for not checking to see if this was a good time to visit. Nesting is important, and we definitely do it in our house (dh actively nesting too). I've actually been thinking that if/when we have a third, I will definitely consider pulling Ina out of school so she can nest at home with the new baby too. But maybe she'd think she'd rather be at school with her friends, I don't know. Assuming we don't homeschool, which is another topic entirely.


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

I don't care if they want to be here or not-I want some alone time with my new baby and husband. They had their time with their new babies. I don't think it's being selfish-or if it is, I don't really care.
We live in FL and both grandparents live in OH, and have been bugging us on when they get to come. I told my mom to come a few weeks after his guess date, when my husband would be back at work and I could use the help even more. His mom gets to come a few weeks after that. If they don't like it, it's just too bad, this is the way we want it, and if they truly love their kids, they'll respect our wishes.


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nwmom61* 
this is from Grandma's point of view.

It is up to the parents. I was there for 4 out of my 6 grandchildren's births. I missed 2 because we were traveling for one and I had a broken ankle for the other and was unable to drive. I am the "in law" and I was the only Grandma invited. The "other grandma" was not very helpful with babe #1. My dil told the "other grandma" she didn't want her in the room when she was delivering. I was very quietly asked to stay since I was being supportive. She later told me my calm nature was what she needed. The other grandma was not that kind of a person. I am very close to all my grandchildren because I feel I was there for the birth. For the 2 births I missed, I asked when I could come. I arrived with gifts for the older siblings and a weeks worth of freezer meals. After greeting everyone, I got out the vaccuum cleaner and just got to work on the house.

I guess my message is, yes, by all means have them there ONLY IF YOU FEEL THEY WILL BE HELPFUL. Do not invite them if you are only inviting them to spare their feelings. This is YOUR child, YOUR birth and you should be totally comfortable with whatever you choose. That child is not going to know whether or not grandma was there for the birth or even if grandma visted on day 1 or day 30. They can still have close relationships if they choose to do so.

Will you be MY mother in law? lol, that sounds so amazing-and not at all the way my MIL will be.


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## jnet24 (Sep 4, 2006)

Just wanted to add my two cents to this topic as I tend to see things way differently than some people do, which is perfectly fine. I wanted everyone and anyone in the room when I delivered my ds. I had him at a hospital and only three were allowed in the room, I chose my mom, mil (who I really can't stand) and my dh. The minute I delivered my son I wanted everyone, all 30 of them, who were waiting in the waiting area to come and see the baby. My room was constantly filled wiht people the entire stay at the hospital, and we were greeted all weekend with family and friends when we got home. The home coming even included a baby shower and a diaper party. BF went fine. Even with all the choas, I wouldn't have changed anything. But that is just me and my personality. I had an EASY delivery and i felt wonderful. I understand why some poeple don't want alot of family around but i just like to share that for some people having everyone around in is a reminder of all the loving people who I have to help me out and who want to share in my celebration of my new child.

Now that being said, with this baby, my ds will come back and see the baby before all the happy waiting family. He gets his chance first with mommy daddy and new sibling.

I never quite get why people think that you can't bond with your baby if you let others hold the baby in it's first week of life. My son is 18moths and I have never questioned our bond, and i think everyone but the mailman has held him.


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

Before I had a baby, I was all about that "mother/child bonding", like it was a very.big.deal.

And, then, my first son was born. And everyone left me alone at the hospital (well, except for dh), because I had been very vocal.

And, I was miserable. And I cried. "No one loves me!" "No one loves my child!" "They couldn't even be bothered to come see us!"

Ah, hormones.









But, with the second, I was much, much more upfront about having people come to see us at the hospital. I even changed hospitals, and I delivered in my hometown, an hour from my current home, where it was less likely for my VBAC to happen (and it didn't). You know what? It was the best decision I ever made. Everyone came and saw me and the baby within 24 hours. My inlaws had to wait 3 weeks because of some health problems, but everyone else got to see.

I'll do it again the same way in a heartbeat. I loved being able to share that moment with them, especially now that I see the bond between my parents and my first son, and how important the grandparent relationship is to our family.


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