# I'm 23 and need advice from a parent!



## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

Okay...I'm pregnant. 4 months along. My boyfriend and I are both 23, we've been together about 6.5 years. I was on the pill, and taking it perfectly, but apparently one of the lucky 2% who still get pregnant. He told his parents yesterday, and they were calm and supportive. Even joking a bit about it.

_My_ parents, though... My mom doesn't scare me. Much. She probably won't yell, but I'm afraid she will. My dad does scare me. A lot. To say that he'll want to disown me and kill my bf isn't much a stretch. And he will yell. A lot.

Part of me wants to tell Mom and beg her to tell Dad, but it seems like that isn't a very adult response.

So...is there a good/easy way to do this? Any suggestions? Reccomendations?

Or should I just move to another state and reappear in 18 years?


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

I was 21 when I got pg with my oldest. I had the same feeling about my mom as you do. I was not expecting her to squeal with delight when I told her. She was so happy. I made her tell dad.lol Even 4 years later when I was pg with #3 I made her tell dad.

your parents may surprise you. It would be different if it was a brand new relationship.

The other thing is if his parents live in the same town/city as your parents, you need to tell yours asap so his don't spill the beans.


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## shoefairy3 (Jun 15, 2006)

Ok, i sorta BTDT







My parents have never been overly happy every time i get preggo (first at 17, 2nd at 19, 3rd at 20 and 4th at 24) Considering i have been maried with #2-#4, but anyhow. With the last one, i knew there was going to be h#ll in the house so i called them to tell them (i am not good with confrontation) i ended up telling my dad flat out that we were happy and i was only going to accept positive remarks from him and if he even thought a negative thought i woudnt speak to him. Needless to say, he hasnt said a negetive word about the subject and no that baby is here i know he wouldnt. He jsut wants the best for me blah blah blah. I figured if he could deal...he was the one loosing out on the joys of a baby

That was really the easiest way i have ever told my parents...of course i was already 5 months preggo and couldnt hide it from them anymore









Good luck to you and hope everything goes ok


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CarrieMF*
The other thing is if his parents live in the same town/city as your parents, you need to tell yours asap so his don't spill the beans.

Sigh...that's part of my dilema. We live in different cities (and states, for that matter), but only 30 mins apart. My dad works with my bf's uncle. My my bf's mom's family is a pretty chatty...okay, down right gossipy bunch. I'm sure that if his uncle doesn't know by today, he will by tonight.

I SHOULD tell them together...but again, terrified of my dad. I was going to tell Mom all day today and kept chickening out. Now she's at work, and I go to work in a couple hours, so the only way to tell her RIGHT now would be an email. And beg her to tell Dad tonight. Which sounds like an incredibly good idea. But again, not very adult.

Oh, to run off to Aruba...


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shoefairy3*
That was really the easiest way i have ever told my parents...of course i was already 5 months preggo and couldnt hide it from them anymore









I really can't hide it anymore either. I'm pretty sure my Mom won't be shocked when I tell her. I've caught her looking at me kinda funny a few times. And when Ryan (bf) asked his Dad if he hadn't noticed I looked different his dad said, "Well, DUH. But what was I supposed to say? Gee, you've put on the weight, huh?"

And a couple people around town (it's a really small town...700) have commented (one even said, "Someone forgot to pull out, huh? HAHAHAHA!"), so I need to tell 'em.


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

I would go over and tell them both together. Its not like this was some random hook up you have been together for quite some time so even though they may be suprised I wouldn't say it would be shocking. Your a mature adult and handling this will only reinforce that you make your own decisions. Whats the worste they could do? Yell? How mature would that be of them. I'm sure its scary but I would also have your BF with when you tell them. Tell them you are letting the know what is going on but it is not up for discussion or debate, that you hope they can learn to be happy for you in time but you don't need their criticism. Hope everything goes okay.


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## taterbug1999 (May 5, 2006)

I think it is important too to remember that parents (unless they really suck) will love you no matter how angry they get. What is funny is that if you all were married I would imagine they would be cool w/ it. Isn't that odd? My cousin got pg at 22 by her bf, everyone wigged out at first and screamed and yelled alot in the beginning, but now her dd is 8 yo and she is the light of all their lives. Might you consider a letter to your father after telling your mom. Then he can read it, boil, scream, yell whatever he needs to do to cope with the news without you and your budding life hearing it? Odds are he will calm down and be okay after the initial blow. As long as you and bf (and you guys sound really stable) are happy and together on this the rest is just white noise in truth. Cause I would bet your dad would rather be in your life than out. Am I right? I have to say too that my aunt got pg at 23 back in the late 60s and she went away to have the baby and gave her up for adoption. Recently she found her dd ( yay!), but what was interesting is that my grandfather (who is more apt to blow steam than not) said "I always told Judy she could keep the baby, we would just learn to make it work." Keep in mind this was the rural south and unwed mommas were a huge stigma then. But my grandad was willing to deal with all of that if Judy had decided to keep the little girl. So you may find out that your dad will blow, but I would imagine (and hope) that the after math will be one of a gleeful grandpa to be. Another case in point- another cousin of mine has a ds (18mo), he and his girlfriend were not living here at the time and waited until the baby was a month old to tell ANYBODY in our family or hers!! Noone was mad, per say, but everyone was sad that they had missed out on so many things already- and they didn't tell out of fear. Now she did have my cousin tell her family and maybe that's a route you might take. Let your boyfriend call your dad, maybe? But now they all help care for him and we all are so happy "little Jay" is in our lives. We just wish we had known sooner. HTH!! Goodluck w/ your parents and with the new life budding inside you!!


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## Momof3inMI (Feb 28, 2006)

I was 20 when I got pg (DD is now 12). I hid my pregnancy until I was 6 month along (size 5 jeans w/shirt tucked in, noone had a clue). I was not living at home but saw my parents weekly and even went to Florida for a vacation with them about a month before I told them (was planning on telling them on the trip, but was worried I'd ruin it). When I did(tell them) it just happen to be over the phone... because the Dr., office called my old phone # to remind me of my ultrasound appt for the next day!















I know my mom cried, but she told my dad for me. I never heard an negitave word from either one of them. The only thing I did hear was "When are you going to get married?" I still hear it and have during the pregnancy both of my other 2 children. (and every wedding we go to







:







)
You are on your own living with DP and they need to understand that. It's YOUR choice, accident or not. When you do tell them present them with a a bib that says I Love Grandma &Grandpa. Just make it the best persentation you can, it seems to make things go easier. Most don't yell when they see how happy you are!







.
Best of luck!!!!


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## dukeswalker (Feb 1, 2003)

Totally BTDT - Except I was 17. How did I do it?

I sucked it up and just said it - flat out (over the phone) "Mom - I'm pregnant." She cried, was sad, etc...

Dad, I called up and broke it a bit more gently. Told him I had something to tell him and that I was afraid to. That I wanted/needed his support - and he "guessed" I was pg.....

They are going to react - no matter HOW you tell them - they will react....And, their reaction is out of your control....


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## EastonsMom (Oct 24, 2005)

Bless you heart, I have never been in your situation so it is easy for me to say what I would dos. My ideas/advice, at least you know telling him will SUCK, at least you don't have afairy tale panning out in your head. How close are both sets of parents together. Have they ever been together in a social situation? Do you and your BF live together? If both of those are true than I would invite his and your family over. That way you are not only on your turf but you have other family supporting you both. Have you gotten an ultrasound done? I would tell him by after dinner or when you are comfortable in the family setting. ( serve like baby back ribs and baby carrots too







) give dad a card explaining your true feelings of the situation to him, make sure and tell him how you feel about telling him, and have the ultra sound pic in the card( pull the emotional card out







: ). Good luck sweetie, never easy but as you know it is not going to get any easier the longer you wait, think band aid, fast and 'painless'.







Let us know how it goes, I will be thinking about you as well as the rest of us!


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## muckemom (Jun 26, 2006)

Your in a long term relationshup with someone you love so I don't see WHY they would take up issue with it... however, from personal experience I can tell why your freaked out. I was 21 and had to tell my parents...

BUT - to make an example of the adult that you are, you and your BF should sit down and tell your parents at the same time... granted, I don't know your family dynamics but thats what I would do...

Sorry for the disorganized thinking... DS is spitting avocado at me... just something to look forward too...


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## celia (Apr 22, 2005)

Sort of btdt... but I was slightly older- 25- but also in a long term relationship with someone they really liked. My BF at the time and I did go and sit down with them TOGETHER. I think it helped my parents know he was serious, acting like an adult and truly involved (I later m/c, but we are now married and have a dd). I will never forget the initial, immediate, horrified looks on their faces- but it only lasted a second. They needed a minute for it to sink in. My father said immediatly "well, you're adults. What are you going to do?" Once they knew we WERE taking responsiblity (AND that we had just become engaged and were also able to show them the ring... ) well when we left two hours later they were just excited about the idea of a grandchild.

I know it's scary, there's nothing to do but just say it. Good Luck!


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## celia (Apr 22, 2005)

oh my- and I forgot to say congratulation!!


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## josie143 (Dec 1, 2004)

i would tell both together .


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

congratulations-I just wanted to wish you all the best, and I hope everything works out just the way you need it. The beautiful thing about babies, and my wish is that you experience this sooner than later, is that they tend to change all of the grownups around them when they arrive. Quite often the initial shocks felt by skeptical family members disappear completely when they fall in love with a newborn. If it makes you feel any better-I was THIRTY FIVE when I told my mother, and her initial reaction was - oh, no!








She wasn't ready to think of herself as a grandmother yet-but that changed when my first daughter was born. Enjoy your pregnancy, and it's wonderful that your bf's parents are so supportive. Good luck! I say rent Father of the Bride II to watch with them.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Just a thought. Since it seems you don't feel you will get support from your father, perhaps you should approach it with that in mind. That you are, as the adult you are, simply informing them of this major (and hopefully wonderful, even if a shock) development in your life. Heck, I might even tell them "I have wonderful news" even if you're not feeling wonderful about it. Because you (I assume) don't need anything from them, you are just sharing this, and you don't need to show your father any weakness (such as sharing your feelings about this).

You could also give your mom a "heads up" in advance if you thought that would help, so she could be prepared to back you up (if that's something she might do, I don't know your family dynamic). That has the drawback of appearing afraid and apologetic to your father, as if you needed your mother's protection (cause I would imagine he would find out that your mom knew first).

But, wow, good luck on EVERYTHING and remember, this is YOUR life, you've been responsible, you have NOTHING to feel ashamed of. If your dad starts screaming about disownment, try to be calm and just say "I think it would be best if BF and I finish this discussion with you later." If he does disown you, well, that's your father's doing and his weakness, and not yours.


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## muckemom (Jun 26, 2006)

I forgot to say congrats too!!!!!

You're gonna have so much fun, doll!!!!


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

I would get everyone together (you, BF, mom and dad) to share the information in a joyous way. If you approach it that way, "We wanted to share with you our good news - we're pregnant!!!" , with that mindset of being excited to tell them (rather than being scared to tell him because you are pregnant from the BC not working.) He doesn't need to know it was an accident. So if you and BF are united in standing up for your long term relationship, that should help see you through. Heck, you've been together just as long as my husband and I - it's just that we've been married almost 6 years and you haven't. But other than that, what's the diff?

Congratulations!


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

BTDT at 17

I am not sure the way we (now DH, then BF and I) did it was the adult way, but...

while *I* was hiding at his friends, *he* (DH) went and told my parents.

We figured he was tougher, faster, not pregnant and just as involved









I spare you the details about my Mom fainting and my father wanting to kill us both. Suffused to say we are both alive and soon will celebrate our 20th anniversary









So on a happy note - CONGRATULATIONS! And let us know how it went!


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## delicious (Jun 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PikkuMyy*
I would get everyone together (you, BF, mom and dad) to share the information in a joyous way. If you approach it that way, "We wanted to share with you our good news - we're pregnant!!!" , with that mindset of being excited to tell them (rather than being scared to tell him because you are pregnant from the BC not working.) He doesn't need to know it was an accident. So if you and BF are united in standing up for your long term relationship, that should help see you through. Heck, you've been together just as long as my husband and I - it's just that we've been married almost 6 years and you haven't. But other than that, what's the diff?

Congratulations!

i like this advice. i also think if you are really afraid of your dad's reaction, maybe a public place like invite them out to dinner or something?

congratulations. i wish you all the best of luck!!!


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## Gabriella (Aug 5, 2006)

Be strong. Remember you're old enough to make your own choices.


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## mom2olivia (Apr 4, 2006)

Just wanted to wish you luck, I sure hope it goes well for you.

Congratulations!


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## Abbyloos Mommy (May 19, 2005)

I was married for both my announcements, my dad isn't around (rip) but my mom, both times, was not very happy about it. And she knows I'm in a very stable relationship. It's just that we have money issues and she thinks the timing was wrong


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

Ok, I've got kids 27, 24, 18 and 16. If one of the older kids were going to tell me, it would go over a lot better if they both came to the house, sat down and told US, together, as if they were adults.

hiding makes you look more immature. Having your BF there makes him seem more involved and supportive. JMO.

COngrats! I got preggers in the pill too! And I wouldn't change it for the world.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Do you still live at home?

If not and if you are that worried, call and tell your dad on the phone.


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

Thank you for the great advice everyone! It was kinda what I knew already (suck it up, and tell 'em in person) but needed to hear from someone else.

I'll give a little more background, in case anyone else wants to offer me words of wisdom!









He and I both currently live with our parents. We're both in college, but will both be done this December. I'm not due until late January, and we plan on moving in together after graduation.

Thus, part of my problem, is that I do need them for a least a semester.

I have a feeling my mom may initially yell, but will ultimately be supportive. (In the past, we've had discussions about others being pregnant, and she's always said something to the effect of, "There's only so long you can be mad. Kicking the girl out isn't going to change the fact that she's pregnant.") It's just the inital yelling I want to avoid









My dad, however, is truly the problem. Ryan (bf) and I were originally going to tell both sets of our parents together. (Well, not the pairs of parents together, but both he and I were going to be there when telling both sets.) Ulimately, though, he just couldn't handle the idea of being around my dad. And I can't blame him. My dad is irrational, has an awful temper, and is difficult to get along with. There's a lot more background to our relationship that would take way too long to explain. From day one, though, Ryan has always been a bit scared of him. And rightfully so. I love him because he's my dad, but I don't like him. So we agreed that we would each tell our own parents.

Right now, my plan is to tell my mom first thing in the morning. I'm guessing she won't be shocked, but I'm still a little, well, scared. I'm not sure when or how I'm telling dad. I'd imagine Mom and I will discuss that, as well.

Thanks everyone for your advice, and if you (or anyone else!) has any more words of wisdom, keep 'em coming!

I'll keep you updated!


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

Youll do fine! It is always a little akward, but many times ,ore pleasant than assumed. I was 20 when I had my first son. My partner and I had known each other for 4 months... and a few months before we met a 5 year relationship with my high school sweetheart had ended( someone who my parents thought I would stay with for a long time) They were shocked. My mom cried. It was ok.
I look at your post though, and I see your age... I really dont know what the big deal is. 22 is plenty mature( I had 2 by then!).... youre an adult. You are not a child anymore. Blessings to you! It is such an amazing ride!


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## Mamato2and2 (Apr 7, 2006)

Congratulations and I definately feel for you. I have been in that boat 3 times now. The first one I was 17-my mom didn't talk to me after she found out but surprise she was there for the birth and loves that kid sooo much now. The second I was 23 told my mom in an e-mail b/c I didn't want to hear anything negative. With this one (I am 30) I just told my dad about a month ago (on the phone) and he told my mom that I wanted to talk to her about something and she guessed what it was...she didn't come to my kids b-day party the next day and she hasn't talked to me since....HELLO I am 30 and I am with an extremely loving and caring man AND I am HAPPY!!! I say screw them...I love them but if they are going to be like that Oh Well, they'll get over it (they always have before)

With all 3 I waited until past 6 months b/c I wanted to keep talking to my mom and I knew she would be upset. A PP said that it's not very mature to wait and hide like that but for me it was the least stressful.

The hardest part about all this for me is that I love my mom so much...she is like my best friend and I really really want her to be happy when I am happy.

Good luck....


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

It's hard...when you're in that situation, I think it's hard for anybody. I was 18 when I got pregnant the first time, and I was so afraid to tell my parents I didn't tell them for MONTHS. When they found out, it was by accident and they didn't freak out as bad as I thought. What freaked them out the worst was my boyfriend telling them we were getting married.














:














:
















Yeah.

But we've been married now for 17 years and all the other couples that got married after us, the ones who told us not to get married, and the ones who told us we'd NEVER make it...guess what? THOSE are the people who are divorced and on their 2nd or 3rd partner. I told you THAT to tell you this, whatever your decision, it's yours to make and try not to let anyone talk down to you. Your plenty old enough to do what you want to do..... and congratulations....the best times are when babies come. Your momma and daddy are going to be silly over that baby.







:nana: You're gonna be fine, everything's gonna be fine.


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## crissei (Oct 17, 2004)

Sorry, I'm confused... is it your age that is the issue for them or, the fact that your not married?

I got pregnant with DS when I was 23, we had been married for four years at that point.

When DH and I told our parents they just about peed their pants they were so happy!









I'm sorry you will have tougher situation, but hey, maybe they will surprise you!


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

Ok you might not like this, but this is how'd I'd feel.....

If Ryan is man enough to father a child, he should be man enough to be there with you when you tell your dad. So what if he's irrational and nasty? Life is tough. Your father will respect a man with the guts to tell him to his face, more than someone who is afraid.

I say, he faces the music! (with you!)


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Red*
Ok you might not like this, but this is how'd I'd feel.....

If Ryan is man enough to father a child, he should be man enough to be there with you when you tell your dad. So what if he's irrational and nasty? Life is tough. Your father will respect a man with the guts to tell him to his face, more than someone who is afraid.

I say, he faces the music! (with you!)


Oh...I agree with this. Absolutely. We went throught the very same thing with my dad, and at the end, I have to say my father respected him much more for coming to him and talking to him about it all. It wasn't easy and did get pretty tense, but it all worked out and the two men got on very well afterwards.

This won't be easy to begin with. But it won't be as bad as you think. It really will be ok.


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## babygrant (Mar 10, 2005)

well how did it go?


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## Lizzo (Jul 26, 2005)

I got pregnant at 16...and then again at 18. Both times were really hard, the first one I was in highschool,lving with them, ha dno dirvers license....the second time we had JUST signed alease for our first apartment, my DP had JUST(that morning) graduated highschool.... but I did it and it's okay. I was 8 weeks and 5 weeks along(I unfortunately lost that baby 3 weeks later on the fourth of July of this year) when I told them. I too was one of the 4%(when I first went on the pill- they told me it's actually about 4%, but they advertise it has 2%!!)My parents were ok. There are worst things than becoming a grandparent. In fact, it's pretty amazing.
I know what it is like to be happy where you are and worry about what parents will think.
And you aren't SO young. You're in a relationship, you're about tog raduate college...you're an adult. It will be fine. Are you happy about it? That is what matters.
CONGRATS! ENJOY!!!!!!


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Yeah I think your boyfriend needs to suck it up and come with you. You guys can agree on certain things, like if it gets bad you'll both walk out (as maturely as possible of course) - so he knows that he doesn't have to endure *ANYTHING* your father might (literally) throw at him. But he should do it. For himself, for you, and for the baby.


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## EastonsMom (Oct 24, 2005)

If he thinks facing your dad is hard wait until he gets to the delivery room!!







He needs to go with you! I know you want him around for the baby and the risk of dad killing him SEEEMS high, he will respect DP ALOT more if he ponies up and goes with you. my dad, a reformed A Hole, the first thing he would have said to me if I ws in a situation like this would be like 'so he is man enough to knock you up up too pansy to stand up for you and the situation?!' Sorry if it sounds harsh but you know in your heart he needs to be there and heart always trumps head, IMO. Good luck, we are all rooting for you! The sooner you get it over with the sooner you can ENJOY this time because it is the best!


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I agree have your bf come with you, this may well be a turning point in their relationship.
Good luck and let us knwo how it goes!!


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

First CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got preg with my dd when I was 20 and I knew my mom would not respond well. So when I told her she started to say something negative I said very firmly in an end of discussion way "we are happy about this". She got the message.
I agree with the others who have said your BF needs to go with you. I wouldn't go into the conversation with your parents as if you have done something wrong either but that you are happy to be having a child even if she/he is coming earlier than you had planned! Good luck!!!


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## ~ATenthMuse~ (Mar 16, 2003)

Didja tell yet? *crossing my fingers that it went smoothly for you guys.*


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## kat85 (Apr 12, 2006)

Congrats!!!!1









I was 19yrs old and 7month prego then it was Dec.31 when I told my aunt(she raised me) I was nervous but she took casual because she said she already knew and that ain't new to her. But when I had to tell my father I let my family tell him because I knew his was going be disappointed. Now I am 21 and prego again, and once again my aunt already knew and I my other aunt already told my father that I am pregnant.

Here a tip, if you are really scared to say it and your ma wont do it, try to present it in a different way. I told my aunt by showing her my ultrasound and let her figure it out. And I thought about my other family and friends a announcement card.

But Good Luck anyway!!


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## Penelope (Jul 22, 2003)

Congrats!!

I'm guessing you've told them already, but if not, here's my advice - go together, be calm, emphasize how happy you are and that you plan to move in together after graduation and before the baby is born. If you have plans to marry in the future, you might mention that if things get tense - along the lines of "we're not making an official engagement announcement, but of course we love each other and we do plan to marry." (But if that's not the plan right now, don't be pressured!)

Good luck, mama. Even if it takes them a while to get used to the idea, a cute newborn grandchild will be a great bridge-builder, yk?


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

There are going to be many times as a parent when you will be faced with difficult decisions and making choices that involve putting the needs of the family you are creating in-front of the family you came from. Man, it's hard sometimes! But just remember: this is your first act as a mother- a leader of your own family. If your dad is really that unsupportive or mean, you must realize that YOU are in charge of your direction and that others only have the power you give them. Dad can be mad, but with an adult daughter, he can't be mean and he can't be in control. And YOU set those rules. You can do it!

Congrats! You are begining a wonderful journey!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

You know, your parents would have to be really vindictive to not support you through your last semester of college just because you got pregnant. I'd hope they would not want all your hard work wasted by cutting you off or some such thing when you are so close to graduation.

I'd never do that to my daughter (who is 16 btw)


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## doula and mom (Nov 28, 2005)

I've BTDT too. I was 23yo but completely single, and 18w into the pregnancy I found out I was having twins. EEEK. Anyway, my dad was more okay but my mom seriously went







crazy for a long time. She told me I was ruining my life, I'd be a welfare mom, the kids would grow up resenting me, I'd have a terrible life, etc etc etc. She finally came around at about 7 mos, and now she absolutely adores my boys. However, it was difficult until she did come around -- and I live clear across the country from her. I wish you luck, and I'm glad you have a supportive bf. I met my now-dh when my boys were 3 mos.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Congrats!

I agree with pp about your bf coming with you. I also agree with this:

Quote:

act as a mother- a leader of your own family. If your dad is really that unsupportive or mean, you must realize that YOU are in charge of your direction and that others only have the power you give them. Dad can be mad, but with an adult daughter, he can't be mean and he can't be in control. And YOU set those rules. You can do it!
Sooo true!

My older sis got preg at 14. Apparently my dad flipped and did hit her (this was in his first marriage, she's over 30 years older than me). So when I got preg at 19, my mom and sis's warned me too - even though he wasnt a violent man, we remember hearing how upset he was. So, I took a deep breath, and told him. But I told him in a positive way, "you're getting your fathers day gift in october, when your grandkid will be born". He was floored, but hugged me and wished me the best. None of us could believe it, but he was great. Asked me how I was feeling, forced himself to shake bf (at the time) hand and say congrats to him, but otherwise it went well.

Here's hoping he'll surprise you!

And congrats again!


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## NinaBruja (Jan 19, 2004)

i agree being positive and authorative helps...
i was 20 when i got pregnant with dd1 i was too emotional to to fend off his moms thoughtless cruelty but when i told my mom she asked if i was keeping it and i said 'of course!' and she was supportive from then on...
i got his mom to stop by telling her its non of her business...but i dont advocate that idea, it was all i could muster when i lifted my head from the toilet


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

I skimmed some of the other replies so I am sorry if I missed something, but I am not getting what the potential problem is with you being pregnant. It sounds like your father is the one with a problem, or maybe both your parents. You're an adult, you're almost done with school, you're in a stable long term relationship...what more could they possibly want? Not that it's their business to want anything. Your dilemma makes it sound like you're 15 and in high school, which makes me guess that's how your parents treat you. Well now would be a good time to break away from that. You don't want to try to parent your child with them controlling you like that.

I have all kinds of book recommendations for dealing with controlling parents if you're interested.

I got pregnant on purpose at 25 which is only 2 years older than you and while some rude people in our families asked if it was "planned" (um, NOYB!) it doesn't seem weird or premature at all to me.

I hope this doesn't seem like I am criticizing you, I'm not, I just think that it's ridiculous your father would make you so afraid of him over this. You're not his property and he needs to grow up.


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## mfp02 (Jan 5, 2005)

Congrats!

I am 23 now, but I was 18 when I got pg with my husband. My parents still got very upset and we didn't talk for a month. Even though I was married, had been with my husband for 3 years already and we were doing well on our own.

Honestly, I think parents do this because they have a hard time with accepting that you are growing up. Don't worry, if at first they get upset - they will get used to the idea quickly most likely.


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## elsasmommy (Mar 24, 2005)

r


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## 2busy2clean (Feb 3, 2005)

2 cents worth...
If you and your bf take your parents to a nice restraunt, during the dinner or lunch hour and gently/conversationally break the news to them there, your dad may allow the atmosphere to keep his temper in check.








Good luck.


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## HRC121799 (Aug 8, 2003)

Congratulations and good luck telling them.

I got pg. when I was 17, and I told my Dad & step-mom (when I was 5mos. pregnant!) at church, with a pastor (and my fiancee, now dh of almost 7 years) present, that way my Dad couldn't freak out or kill me or get mad (well, he could've, but he wouldn't have wanted to tarnish his reputation at church, he put on a good act there!)

I hope it goes better than you think!


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## NinaBruja (Jan 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
I skimmed some of the other replies so I am sorry if I missed something, but I am not getting what the potential problem is with you being pregnant.

i agree... im 23 have been with my dp just as long and we just had our second....
but people can be jerks when someones having a baby regardless of age...


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## Melda (Mar 27, 2003)

bumping and subscribing to this thread ..


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexsam*
There are going to be many times as a parent when you will be faced with difficult decisions and making choices that involve putting the needs of the family you are creating in-front of the family you came from. Man, it's hard sometimes! But just remember: this is your first act as a mother- a leader of your own family. If your dad is really that unsupportive or mean, you must realize that YOU are in charge of your direction and that others only have the power you give them. Dad can be mad, but with an adult daughter, he can't be mean and he can't be in control. And YOU set those rules. You can do it!

Congrats! You are begining a wonderful journey!











Absolutely!

I didn't have much of an issue announcing my pregnancy -- it was anouncing my engagement that did me in! My parents thought 21 was entirely too young and I was really scared of their reaction. But you know what? It wasn't their decision to make. I was an adult and I made my decision. They were free to support me or not support me, but it wouldn't have made a difference one way or the other.

So when you tell them, tell them in such a way that conveys that you are happy with the pregnancy and while you'd appreciate their support, it isn't necessary. They can choose to support you or not support you. Either way, the baby's still coming. Remember, you're an adult and did nothing wrong. (I should add that you didn't if you feel you didn't, regardless of your parents' view on sex outside of marriage.) There's nothing to apologize for or be ashamed about. So go in there with confidence and realize that if they don't support you, that's entirely on _them_, not you. Don't take responsibility for other people's emotions!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elsasmommy*
I don't understand what the problem is.

she doesn't want to make her parents upset because there is a lot of money involved (they pay her living expenses as well as her tuition and books). its not about thier emoptional support. it is about thier financial support.

you are 23. time to grow up. you and your babies father are adults andneed to act like it. adults have to make hard descisions about parenting and money and houses and school. babies sometimes change your plans. that has nothing to do with your parents and how they respond to the news. by the time I was 23 we were had been married for 4 years and were planning out second child.


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## QuestionGal (Feb 19, 2006)

:


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## SoulJourney (Sep 26, 2005)

:


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## MysteryMama (Aug 11, 2006)

I know EXACTLY what you're going through. If your father is a half way decent person, he'll except the fact, and even if he has a hard time, he'll love his grandchild.

My father, on the other hand, is NOT a half way decent person, and disowned me 100% when I got pregnant. He has NO interest in ever meeting his grandson, and though I try to act as if I don't care, on some level it is heartbreaking.

Good luck to you.

((hugs))


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## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

Is there any way for the tuition check to clear before you tell him?







:

Seriously, you've been together for 6 years, you're 23 years old, you will have *graduated* before the baby arrives, it isn't that bad. I know, you know, he knows you have been taught (I presume,) not to have sex until you're married, but I think it won't be as bad as you might imagine.


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## EastonsMom (Oct 24, 2005)

Have you told him yet? I think we are all dying to know!


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## Shelsi (Apr 4, 2005)




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## helen_emily (Jun 13, 2006)

:


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

Okay...I'll be honest. I haven't told them, yet. It all seems to ridiculous. I know. I'm an adult, I need to grow up, and let's be realistic---even if my dad hasn't figured it out yet, I'm 18 wks, I think my mom knows what is going on. (And frankly, all of our town--pop. 700--seems to have figured it out; Mom's bound to hear one way or another, even if she doesn't already know.)

I know I'm not being very adult about this. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier. I know it will only be 30 secs discomfort (telling them, that is). I'm not sure what my Mom's reaction will be. My dad isn't violent (not to me anyway), but he will yell. And though I don't think he'd follow thru, he has threatened to "kick my boyfriend's ass" before. Literally.

My parents don't pay for college tuition or books, but they do pay for my gas, insurance, etc... and I live at home.

The bottom line is just that I'm scared. Not adult. Not grown up. I know. I'm working on it.

At any rate, my current plan is to tell Mom tomorrow, and I PROMISE to keep you updated on how things go!

And thanks everyone for your great advice and support!


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## midstreammama (Feb 8, 2005)

Yes, Please please tell them soon. I made the mistake of letting my mom, and grandparents find out "thru the grapevine" about dd1 and they were pissed, to say the least, that we didn't tell them ourselves. My mom said that hurt more than me being pregnant to begin with.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Do you have someplace you can go if things get ugly? Even if he doesn't get violent, the stress of being yelled at is not something you need right now.


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

Okay, I know you're all dying for an update, so here's 1/2 of one









My mom knows. It was a bit awkward. I work at a bar in town, and when she got done working at the gas station Friday night, she came up to see me and have a drink. The cook is pretty good friends with Mom, and they were sitting there talking, and then the cook is like, "So, Diane, we've been friends for a long time," blah blah blah, "How does it feel to be a grandma?" Which was the first anyone had said anything to her. Including me. Mom was just like, "Well, ya know, what can you do?" I was a little nervous, but she acted as if she knew all along (and as it turns out, she more or less did), and I knew she couldn't be too irate, b/c she would have stayed after closing to yell at me.

Saturday morning, when I got up, she just said, "So that was your way of telling me? Having everyone else do it?" I mumbled that I was scared, etc.... She wanted to know if Ryan's parents knew, what they thought. Then she said she had figured it out about a month ago, but she couldn't say anything I had to bring it up. She expressed concern about what Ryan and I were going to do, and reminded me that adoption was an option, but she would support me no matter what my choice.

I still haven't talked to Dad. He worked yesterday (Saturday) so I didn't see him at all. I was going to tell him today (Sunday), but Mom suggested it might be best if I wait until he was sober.

So, in short, Mom was not angry, she didn't yell. I'm pretty sure she was disappointed I didn't tell her sooner, and she was definately concerned, but she wasn't pissed.

Dad is going to be another story. THAT will be interesting. I promise the other 1/2 of the update when I tell him.

Wish me luck!


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

"Adoption is an option"? Uh ok. That goes in the category of "things I would never say unless the other person brought it up first" but I guess some people feel that's an appropriate way to say "congratulations." Sheesh.

How do you feel about that? Are you too relieved that she didn't chew you out to be offended, or what?


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

I guess I'm not offended at all, but mainly b/c I don't think she meant it in a bad way. She had just gotten done telling me that she was concerned about the timing. I thought it was good (I'm due in Jan, we both graduate in Dec.), but she said we'll both have to find jobs, babysitter, etc... She said, "I'll help and support you however I can, but I work all the time, so I can't babysit, and it's not as if you have a father who can babysit." Very true. So I really don't think she meant it in a bad way, I think she's just concerned.

I did mention to Ryan that she brought it up (mainly so if it ever came up again, I could say he and I discussed it), and both he and I felt it was something we couldn't do. He felt it was selfish--that if we gave the baby up, it would just be because we were too selfish to grow up and deal with our responsibilities. As in, it wouldn't be because we COULDN"T take care of the baby, but b/c we didn't want to. He also said (and I agreed), how could you look at the face of your baby and just hand it away.

My reasons for not wanting to put it up for adoption are selfish on my part--I don't WANT someone else raising my child. I know a woman who adopted and her kid is awful, largely b/c she won't tell him "no." He gets everything he wants, he never listens, etc.... in short, he's everything I DON"T want my kid to be. My dad is adopted, and his dad beat the crap out of him, his mom is a nut job, etc.. (I'm NOT exaggerating). I know there are tons of good adoptive parents out there, and I just have two bad examples, but it's still a risk I don't want to take. I know the only way I can make sure my child is raised the way I want him to be is if I raise him.

Whew. Long answer!


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Good luck telling your dad. When I got pregnant at 18 I made my mom tell my dad (which was really awkward because they were divorced)







I soooo thought my dad would flip out. I also lived with him and was so sure I was going to get kicked out. Honestly? He had the best reaction out of my parents and my ds's dad's parents. I was shocked, but it's true. Now he has a great relationship with his grandson









BTW- one of my mom's first comments was "You know, there are other options".







: My ex's parents reaction (other than asking ds's dad if he was sure he was the father







: ) was to let us know that they would adopt the baby so we could "go on with our lives"







Ds's dad's reaction when I first told him was asking if it was too late for an abortion (and then pushing the abortion even when I said no to getting one).

But yeah.... my dad was the most supportive of all of those people, surprisingly.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Well you'd have to get jobs and someplace to live even if you weren't pregnant, so I guess I don't see the problem. Yeah it's an added responsibility, but your parents really seem to think you're 12 years old. I don't know where some people in their generation get off, honestly. At any rate, a year from now when your mom is whining that you don't bring the baby over often enough, you should remind her she suggested you ditch the kid to begin with.


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog*
At any rate, a year from now when your mom is whining that you don't bring the baby over often enough, you should remind her she suggested you ditch the kid to begin with.



















I remembered her exact words, btw. Well, almost. Basically along the lines of, "you'll be starting off on the wrong foot, with a lot on your plate to deal with," etc... And now, reading it again, it irks me more than when I heard it originally.

Oh well. I know in a few months, this is all going to be moot. From what everyone's told me, as soon as she sees the babe, she's going to be so in love (And whining that I don't bring him over often enough







) that it won't matter.

ETA: I didn't bother to tell mom that if there's anyway possible I want to be a SAHM. I think she'd be horrified at this point, partially b/c she's said before there's no way she could do it. At any rate, I figured the shock of the pregnancy was enough. I'll throw the SAHM thing upon when it's actually an issue.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

More unsolicited advice from me--Don't be afraid to sign up for WIC, food stamps, etc. It's not a permanent thing and those things are there for people in this kind of situation precisely, surprise pregnancies, getting up and started independently, etc. It could help you stay at home the first few months, which is likely to be cheaper than childcare if you're making entry level wages.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I am glad things wroked out.

I think she was just bringing up the adoption thing to cover every angle and make sure you had covered all your options and that you knew she would support you either way.

good luck with your dad though. but ifyour mom knows you can be sure he does too.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Congratulations! I second the advice about taking assistance if it will allow you to SAH.

And FWIW, the first words out of my mom's mouth when I told her were, "You should have an abortion." Yeah, umm, if we were going to do that, we wouldn't have told you we had exciting news. She wouldn't have suggested adoption, but she knows I'm 100% ok with abortion . . . just didn't want one at that point in time.

Anyway, she's now a loving (ok, obsessed) grandma of two, and while I'm sure she has no memory of what she said, my boyfriend and I will never forget and probably never quite forgive, either. It's always the first thing I think of when we argue.

I hope it goes well when you tell your dad!!


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## babygrant (Mar 10, 2005)

Well it's about time you updated us









That's excellent news that you told your mom. If she is angry and disappointed, as soon as she see's her grandchild, I guarantee, every single ounce of unhappiness and disappointment go flying out the window.


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## mightymoo (Dec 6, 2003)

If you are worried about your dad's response, why not tell him somewhere he can't respond by yelling and screaming. Invite your parents to dinner at a restaurant - maybe even with his parents and tell him there. At least that will give him a chance to see you are happy about it, that his parents are happy for you, etc before he can go off about it.

You can just say something like 'so many people miscarry we didn't want to tell anyone until we were sure' to explain why you waited so long and that you wanted to tell everyone together but Mom & his parents figured it out before you really got the chance.

Just a thought! Good luck!


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

Actually, that was part of the reason we didn't tell them sooner. I didn't see any reason of getting everyone pissed off/worried if I was going to miscarry anyway. However, after that point, it was strictly me being too chicken-shit to tell.

Oh, and I found out today why my mom suggested adoption. It turns out when she was 23/24, she got pregnant and had a son she gave up for adoption. Who knew? (Not ME, that's for sure.) "That's the only reason I brought it up. Either way it's going to be a hard decision."

Thanks for the advice about WIC, etc... I was already thinking about that today. Stupid question: how does one go about signing up for that?

Telling Dad tonight (assuming he's sober)--fingers crossed!


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Well, I was married and 32 but then, for no reason really, could never bring myself to tell my parents either. So I just wore a very obvious maternity dress and took a very "pregnant" position and they guessed and someone at the table commented and then I said "Perhaps... a little bit pregnant..."


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## OldFashionedGirl (Mar 22, 2004)

Okay, so I told my dad. It was....bizarre. I think aliens abducted him. Seriously. (Well, almost.)

He was sober, so I just walked into the living room and blurted out, "I'm pregnant; I told Mom this morning."

He said, and I quote: "Oh no." Completely deadpan. No emotion. Flat. At first I thought he hadn't heard me and was just reacting to something on TV.

He then said the following (not necessarily in order), also completely void of emotion:
I can't say I'm happy for you.
So what's the game plan?
Where are you going to live?
Well, these things happen.
It wasn't planned was it?

And he ended with, one more time:
I can't say I'm happy for you.

Despite how, um, strange it was (and surreal), it went better than I planned. He didn't yell or threaten death. And when Ryan came over 10 mins later, Dad acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary. In retrospect, I'm a bit hurt by the repeated, "I can't say I'm happy for you," but I just keep telling myself it could have been much worse.

So thanks again everyone for all your help and advice!


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## babygrant (Mar 10, 2005)

Does it really matter if anyone else is happy for you though? Sure it would make life easier, but what really matters is that YOU are happy.









Glad to hear things went "better than expected" with your dad.


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