# My story



## Darci (Feb 10, 2002)

I have just registered here, and posted my hello in the hello forum, but I wanted to first of all tell you each that I have found such comfort in your words here. And if I may, I'd like to share my current situation.
I had a shock about 6 weeks ago and found out that we were pg with our 5th child. (I have 4 boys) I was finally getting used to the idea and my midwife and I decided I should have an ultrasound just to check dates since I had no idea when we might of concieved. Right after the start of the ultrasound the tech said to me that there should be a heartbeat, but she wasn't finding one. Nothing. The doctor confirmed this, and said I had a nine week fetus with no cardiac activity.

That was a huge shock. This was a routine dating ultrasound! I had no indications at all that anything might be going wrong.

Now it is 5 days later, and my body has yet to realize our baby is gone. I opted to use accupunture, herbs and vitamins to allow my body to do it's thing without surgery. But so far, not even a spot of blood or twinge of a cramp. My husband is extremely supportive, but says, Well, maybe they were wrong. I'm the mom; I know they aren't wrong.
I'm so ready to be done with the physical side of this. Is that wrong, or terrible? I think I'm ready to tell my midwife I'm opting for the D&C. I just want it over. Then I think that makes me a terrible person, that I can't even allow my body and my baby to do things their way.

Anyway, we have named our baby. I know in my heart she is a girl. I hope to plant a tree, and make a scrapbook for her someday. (I did get an ultrasound picture) But not right now. It's all I can do to type my story right now!

Thanks for anyone who listened to me. I think I'm rambling, but it just needs to come out.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Darci, I'm so glad your hear. Don't be sorry about rambling - that's what this forum is all about. It's hear for you to work through your thoughts and feelings in a place where people care and won't judge you. Please feel free to post as often as you need to.

That said, I'd like to say how sorry I am for your situation. It's a very complex and difficult place to be in. I for one can understand your feelings for wanting to put some closure on this. This is your body and your going to have to make the right decisions for you. I have a great deal of respect for you whatever you decide.

Please be gentle with yourself while you travel through this. Make sure you're eating well and keeping yourself hydrated. It's very important right now for you to be as healthy as possible so that you can care for yourself and your family.

Do you have any support with family and friends? If so, reach out to these people for strength untill you can rebuild your own. Your in my thoughts.


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## Chelsea (Dec 22, 2001)

I am tearing up just thinking of how difficult this must be for you. I will keep you in my thoughts. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

Peace - Chelsea


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## jtsmom (Nov 19, 2001)

I had a mc at 13 weeks and allowed my body to do it naturally. It took a week of heavy bleeding and everyone second guessed my decision. That's what was right for me, so of course I agree with you in letting it happen naturally. However, after five days, I can see where you might be thinking about the D&C. Prolonging this is probably not easy on you. What has your midwife said? How long before she will think a D&C is a good idea?

I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I will be thinking about you and putting you in my prayers.

jtsmom


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## Darci (Feb 10, 2002)

Thank you all for your support.
My midwife told me whatever I decide is what we will do. So she's very supportive.
Then again, I work for her (I'm an RN and her assistant) so she has a personal intrest in my well-being.









I really needed to hear form other people that I'm experiencing normal stuff. My mom has never dealt with a situation like this and she's managed to say the "wrong" things, and even though I know she's only trying to help it makes it worse. So I appreciate your kind words!

My midwife did tell me though, if I did go through it without a d&c that she does follow up hcg levels to determine that all the products of conception have passed, to avoid the risk of retained tissue and all the associated difficulties with that. Surgery kind of makes that a moot point, though, I would think.


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## jtsmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Darci, I forgot about the hgc level thing, I also went in to have blood tests I think 2 or3 times, once a week to make sure that they were going down. I thought they would do that with a d and c also to make sure they got it all.

It's hard to know what to say to people when they go through something like this. When I had my mc you wouldn't believe the things that some people said. But, I learned a good life lesson and that is that there really isn't anything to say except I'm thinking of you and hoping you're Ok, and you need to take all the time you need to grieve your loss. Know that you are not alone, many other women have had the same experience, in case you haven't had a lot of people tell you their stories. ( I know that helped me, because I felt like a failure, it helped to know I wasn't the only one.)

I know for me, my mc was a major turning point in my life, although it took a while to see through the pain.

Best wishes,
jtsmom


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

jtsmom - thank you for such a loving response. You're absolutely right, there isn't anything to say accept 'I'm sorry and I care'. Your words should help many women on the boards heal.

Darci - many people don't know what to say. They don't want to see you so upset, so they try to bursh off the feelings. I know, I've been on the receiving end of that . Keep looking for the support you need. You do need to greive and feel all the pain that's associated with loosing a child. I wish you peace in the comming days as you travel through this.


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

Darci,

You don't say how far along you were when you found out there wasn't a heartbeat - that does make a difference as to when things happen, and to what extent.

I had a miscarriage in May, I was 12 weeks or so and also went to have a routine ultrasound and discovered the baby had died (although somehow I already knew...) Anyway, I also opted to wait for nature to complete the process, and was told by a very kind perinatologist that it could take as much as 2 weeks after the heart stops before your body finishes things. In my case it was 11 days after the ultrasound, approximately 2 weeks after the baby was actually gone.

It was a difficult 11 days, as you know. But I used blue and black cohosh herbal tinctures, and then homeopathic blue and black cohosh. It felt like an actual labor for me - about 5 hours, but the baby was born while I was in the shower and I was able to hold her (I'm sure it was a girl) and look at her and know that things weren't right with her - easier to say goodbye.

If you were at least 12 weeks, there is a chance that you will have heavier bleeding than normal - something to be aware and careful of.

For me, I was so glad I went through the process, because it was *mine* and I could take as much time as I needed to.

But waiting can be really hard - there are no wrong choices, only what works best for you and your family.

She was our third; I'm now 30 weeks pregnant with #4.

Know that you are not alone, and everything you feel is NORMAL.

Blessings,

Barbara


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## Darci (Feb 10, 2002)

Well, I had an appt with the ob/gyn today, and he said, "Wait it out" so, I guess I'm waiting it out. :/ I'm taking an herbal tincture that my midwife and accupuncturist agreed on, and my midwife said anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 weeks for it to work.

I was nine weeks along when we went for aroutine ultrasound and found out there was no heartbeat.

Barbara: thanks you for your input. I have been wondering if I would know when I passed the baby or not. I might, at nine weeks. And I was wondering (ok, a bit afraid of) what the "cramping" and contractions would be like.

The dr. kind of made me mad today. First of all, I had to argue with the nurse who insisted I was to see a different doc in the practice, then when i finally did see my doc, he just kept saying, well, these things just happen sometimes, and that it was better to wait. Besides he was going on vacation and wouldn't be back for any surgery till the 25th so it would have to wait till then, anyway.

So I'm very thankful for my midwife.







At least she didn't use the medical term "missed abortion" like the doc did. She called it a miscarriage.

I talked to my sister (we're very close...not by the map though







) and she made me feel alot better about my mom. She said she's just concerned that I will physically not be ok; apparently in the 50's her cousin died from a miscarriage. I can see her point, now, so I reassured her today that I was being taken good care of by my midwife. We're getting along better and she's more supportive now.









Thanks again for you support here, too, ladies.







You know how much it means.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Thank you for keeping us posted Darci. I was wondering how you were doing. The next few weeks will be very difficult on you. Please feel free to lean on us as you need.

I'm glad your sister is there for you even if the miles are great. It's important to reach out for support now. It sounds like your mother is concerned. It's hard thought when people say the wrong thing. Keep letting her know what you need from her.

Make sure your getting the rest you need and take care of yourself.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Hello Darci,

It's so good to meet someone else going through what I'm going through and at the same time.

Eight weeks ago I started bleeding and my midwife could find no heartbeat in the weeks after, and so I had an ultrasound. Our baby died at about 12-13 weeks, and like I said that was 8 weeks ago. No bleeding or cramping or anything since then. I wanted to share with you a little of what the last weeks have been like for me.

I decided not to do a D&C, knowing that my body is capable of doing what needs to be odne and trusting that. I started off thinking that the miscarriage would happen quickly, but the weeks kept going by. I kept doing different things to help heal the pain. I wrote a letter to the baby. I named the baby, Stella. I gathered items together to wrap and bury our baby in. I cried-- a lot. I moaned, weeped, lay on the floor like a baby and rocked. All very healing. I prayed and read the Bible, Psalm 40 really helped me.

I think I have felt every emotion possible during this time: sadness, anger, feeling like a walking grave (that one was hard), wanting to get on with life, etc.

The one thing that has been so amazing to me in all of this, is how I've seen a beautiful change come over me. I am forced to relie on that quiet peace that God gives. I know I'm doing what is right for me, although there are days when I doubt all. I remember one Thursday about 3 weeks ago that was very emotional. I cried almost all day long, asking myself and God, why is it not happening. I felt like a failure in so many ways. That was the night I read Psalm 40. The comfort was unbelievable. I was on a new level of serene the follwing day.

I think what has been happening to me is that I am surrendering completely. Every day I decide again that yes, I am doing what I know I will not regret.

I too had no bleeding for all those weeks, until Sunday. A neat sidebar is that I had it in my head that I could not possibly go longer than 8 weeks, that I didn't want to carry a dead baby around for months, weeks was long enough. And it was 8 weeks to the day that things started happening. I've been having brown discharge now and cramping and tissue pieces coming out for the last 2 days, intermittently. I feel that any day now I will begin hard labor. I'm actually really looking forward to the experience. I feel I learned so much about myself during my son's labor, that I think it will be similar in that way. I had a miscarriage before my son and got a D&C and I've had to heal a lot from that experience during this time. The hardest thing about it was not having a memory of my baby leaving my body and feeling a kind of shame about laying there passed out while my doc scraped me out. It seems so powerless to me, and not at all like who I am now.

I'm curious about the tincture you're doing, wondering if it could help me. could you be more specific so i could talk to my midwife about it?

Sarah


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## Darci (Feb 10, 2002)

Oh, Sarah! I wish I could give you a real hug, but here's a cyber((((((((HUG)))))))) for you!
I'm taking something from the accupuncturist; it's called "woman's cycle solution". I know that my midwife also recommends the blue and black cohoshes too sometimes. I'm also drinking lots of tea; ginger tea and red rasberry leaf tea. I'm also taking 20,000 mgs of vitamin C daily; and that's a lot of vit C. That equals 40 tablets for me since each tablet is 500 mg. I can not take it all at once.

I've been cramping since this morning. My midwife says that it's not something I need to be afraid to leave the house for; I will know when it's coming. That was also my fear; I'd be out somewhere and start gushing blod or something.

I also got an amazing book at the library that has been wonderful: It's called "Miscarriage: Women sharing from the heart" I forgot the author, but I'm sure the library (or barnes and noble) could find it for you.

I'm also going to have an hcg drawn on monday of nothing happens. The longer it takes, the more i think, well, maybe they were wrong. Even though, I know they weren't, you always think that.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Thanks Darci,

I too am doing the red raspberry thing and taking iron and chlorophyll supplements to help my blood clot and help build up a supply for afterwards. At first, I was afraid of it happening while I was out and I found myself wanting to withold from making commitments to do stuff. Now, of course, since it's been so long I realize that doing stuff really does help. That's one reason I'm so thankful for my son. He really keeps me busy. I too thouht, well, maybe the ultrasound was wrong, or maybe there are two babies and they only found one. But in my gut I knew the truth, just didn't want to listen to it, just wishful thinking. It can be such a confusing time, lots of emotions to deal with, but I've found each one(emotion) is worth experiencing. It's like they are little pathstones on the way to better trust of yourself, your body, God. I'll check out the book you mentioned, thanks.

Hope you keep doing well. Oh, what's the vit C for? Immune system?

I can't wait to be able to tell my baby's birth story-- ( I still consider her to have a birth day, even though she is dead, because, after all, isn't birth just as much about the mother as it is about the baby?) It will be my physical farewell.

By the way, I don't think its terrible if you decide to have the D&C. ANyone who's experienced this kind of grief can totally understand. The important thing is that you make an informed choice. At least that's what I've thought for myself. With my first miscarriage I was treated like an emergency and didn't know I had a choice. big difference to be treated by your health care person with respect. Hip hip hooray for midwives!
Sarah


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm thinking about you both a lot. This must be such a difficult time on you - however, I'm glad that this forum exists so that you can support each other through it. The book Miscarriage - women sharing from the heart it wonderfull. Very open and honest - not sugar coated.

Yes, a miscarriage is a birth. Are you keeping a journal? You may want to, this way you'll have a memory of the baby you loved so deeply. I also find that keeping a journal helps me to understand my feelings later and work thorugh difficult times.

I hold you both in my heart as you journey.


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