# 1 month old... takes FOREVER to put to sleep



## indigo_sue

We have a little one month old who takes about three hours to put down to sleep. It's not sustainable AT ALL.

Tonight I nursed him from around 7:30to 10pm, and when I finally put him into the Arms Reach because he was limp-limbed and floppy and had pulled himself off the boob, he woke right up and started wailing his head off as if he had never been fed in his life. It's just shattering, having spent SO much time nursing him. I left him upstairs with his dad who is rocking him and trying out some homeopathic colic stuff we got today.

I'm reading the No Cry Sleep Solution but it just seems totally impossible. There's no way he'll fall asleep if he's not nursed to sleep or driven around in the car, neither of which are things we want to commit to doing for the long term!

Argh.... I just had to post about it because I'm so frustrated right now. And just as I was posting, DH came downstairs to tell me the homeopathic stuff worked like a charm and the kid is out like a light.

Someone stop this rollercoaster, I'd like to get off now.


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## dawncayden

The only thing that worked for us was to nurse him to sleep in our queen sized bed and sneak away when he's asleep. If I tried to move him around he would wake up.
We tried a bassinette beside our bed, but after a week of unsuccessful attempts of him sleeping, I was at wits end. It would take 45 minutes of nursing, then I would slowly slowly carry him to the bassinette, then slowly gently place him in, and BAM he'd wake up. I cried so much. I was soooo exhausted, and there was dh sleeping while this went on







:
ANyway, we bought a mesh side rail and he's slept with us ever since







Best thing we ever did.

Dawn


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## Piglet68

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but your son is sooooo young. It can take time for both you and he to figure out what works. And usually when you do they change things!

I well recall I would cradle DD in my arms and dance bouncy-style all around the room. She would listen to a whole album worth of songs before falling asleep, and DH and I would trade off every 15 minutes or so. My mother thought we were freaking nuts.

But as she grew it took less and less time. I recall when she was around 6 months it was only 2 or 3 songs at the most and I had to remind myself that it used to be more like 12 to 15! Things just got easier as she got older and now she can fall asleep on her own (though most nights we still snuggle to sleep).

As far as "committing to doing long term" don't even go there! You do whatever you need to get baby to sleep and know that it won't be this way forever, or even for very long. Things change so much during the first year of life when it comes to sleep. Just do what works and forget about what that means for the long-term. Your life is tough enough, don't make it tougher!









Oh, and I also recommend lying down to nurse him on your bed and then sneaking away when he's out. Many babies can't be moved after falling asleep...

Hang in there girl! Newborns are a roller coaster ride for sure!


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## dutchgal

Put away the books for now.

Grab a sling, and do whatever it takes. I was there too, that's why we got the soother in the first place, but wait with that to get the nipple thing sorted out. I used to talk to Hannah--"It must be tough to be a baby right now, tell me all about it...blah blah blah..." and we had a white noise machine. If anything else failed, that thing worked. I can show it to you sometime. Big Big hugs to you! It's tough, and he's NOT commenting on your parenting skills at all! Just remember that...It WILL and DOES get better....

As for putting him down, I'd put Hannah down, and have my pinky in her mouth for quite a while at times before she would let that incredible suction go!


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## sarah_bella1050

With my 2nd I just stopped worrying about bedtimes, nap times, and schedules I just let her fall asleep when she wanted to. Eventually we were able to figure out a schedule that worked for the both of us. Just continue on with your life, use your sling or your Moby and just let that baby be a baby. Also, have you tried swaddling? I STILL swaddle my 6 month old to sleep in a muslin blanket. He probably just doesn't want to be left alone.


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## D_McG

We didn't put DS down for the night until he was 4 mos or so. At 1 month he was just attached to me. There was no 'going to bed' for him. If I was in bed then he was too. If I was up then he was too. Sometimes he was up asleep in my arms. Sometimes he was awake.

The cluster feeding you're describing is normal. Check kellymom for more info on what's normal for life with a newborn.

And yes - step away from the books!


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## AlpineMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *D_McG* 
We didn't put DS down for the night until he was 4 mos or so. At 1 month he was just attached to me. There was no 'going to bed' for him. If I was in bed then he was too. If I was up then he was too. Sometimes he was up asleep in my arms. Sometimes he was awake.

Ditto.


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## aprildawn

Your DS is totally normal. Both my DDs did that. It made me like this:







:







:

DH used to walk DD2 around the block until she fell asleep and we could put her down. Sometimes, though, he'd sleep in the recliner with her on his chest/tummy until she needed to nurse so I could get a few hours of sleep all in one block!! He often used the mei tai, but sometimes he just carried her.

And then there were a few weeks during the "cluster feeding" phase that I'd plant myself on the couch with a DVD in the evenings, and just nurse for hours. DH would bring me snacks. We watched three seasons of Alias the summer after DD2 was born.

With DD1 I was a lot more uptight and didn't allow myself to sleep until she was asleep, I worried about having to nurse her for three hours to get to her sleep (or drive her, or walk her, or bounce her) for the rest of her life!, and it was miserable.

Like the other posters have said, don't worry about the books for now. You'll drive yourself crazy.


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## MotheringHeart

I'm going to say what everyone else has said. This is totally normal. A bedtime for a month old is unrealistic and probably not really good for you or your babe. If babe is nursing lots it means they need to nurse or be held. My five month old still doesn't have a *bedtime* because she won't let us! So we just roll with the punches and try to stay laid back.

I'm also questioning why you feel like being nursed to sleep is something you don't want to commit to in the long term. Do you think nursing your babe to sleep is a problem and if so, why? All of mine have been nursed to sleep and it has always worked wonderfully for us. So you might reconsider, as it is a marvelous tool that can work well.


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## lotus.blossom

For the first few months my ds slept in my arms on the couch while we watched tv till we went to bed and then he would sleep cradled in my arms. Its the ONLY thing that worked for us. If I put him down, or even nursed and rolled away he would startle himself awake within minutes. Some babies need that extended comfort, remember he was cradled in your womb just 4 weeks ago! It will take some time for him to be able to feel comfortable away from you! It will happen though. Soon you will have a trashing toddler that takes up the entire bed!


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## becoming

Have you tried side-lying nursing and then just leaving him where he is (and you staying there in bed, too) when he falls off the breast?

Another idea: We thought our babe was a terrible napper until we started lying him on his tummy (in his sidecarred bassinet) for naptime. It's amazing the difference the tummy sleeping makes for him. We can now lay him down partially awake, and he'll go to sleep after just a few seconds and sleep for over an hour.

But yeah, I think you probably need to let go of the idea of "putting him down for bed." That still doesn't happen with my 22-month-old!


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## fawny

This sounds exactly like my daughter at that age, and it's totally normal. Most babies go through a fussy stage during the evenings. I think DD was 3 months old before I could actually put her down at a set time for bed. I know how tiring and frustrating it can be but it does get better! One thing that helped me was wearing ear plugs so I could handle holding DD while she screamed and cried before falling asleep, man that was a tough time. Hang in there!


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## In Exile

My DS took even longer to sleep AT ALL. Even as 4week old baby he would not nap, just sit on me.

In the evenings I would basically nurse from 7 until midnight. Then it took from 8 until 11:30, until 11, 10:30, 10:00, 9:30 and so on.

Now he is 6 months old and sleep is just horrible for us. (he is up every friggin' 30 minutes, I am such a wreck) He still does only a 20 minute nap (on me) during the day and nursing him "down" at nighttime can take anywhere between 45 minutes to 2 hours.

It's exhausting though, I remember how long those 4 hours took, if I only moved a millimeter he was UP.

And having him sleep for a little bit in our sidecarred crib was the only time in 24 hours he was not on me.

It was absolutely exhausting, I was nursing night and day. Hugs to you!


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## SublimeBirthGirl

A pouch carrier is great for sleeping babies.


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## summerleaf

The one thing I remember from my daughter being that age is that I was under the mistaken impression that she couldn't nurse and sleep at the same time...I'd see the eyes closed while nursing and not realize she was asleep. Then she's stop nursing and wake up and I'd start trying to put her to sleep when she had just slept! I remember calling my mom and saying "How do I get this baby to sleep?"

After a few months and I figured out this pattern, I started doing things like taking a book with me in the car and driving to some errand and then sitting in the parking lot and reading till she woke up, then we'd run our errand and go home.

Also I used to get a lot of reading and TV watching done while she sleep-nursed on my lap or in bed.

My daughter is 2 yrs 3 months and still nurses to sleep, or is driven, walked, or stroller walked to sleep. I think I can count on one hand the number of times she was laid in bed awake and just slept. I still try to use all this to my advantage...I drive her to sleep while on the way to the store, then transfer her sleeping self in the stroller and do what I need to do. Or after nursing her to sleep I can get her off the boob and go do something else.

I wasn't able to get much applicable info from No Cry Sleep Solution either.


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## alegna

He's only a month. At that age many babies can't be set down at all- ever. Perfectly normal.

Toss that book. It is not at any way appropriate for a one month old.

-Angela


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## queenbean

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
He's only a month. At that age many babies can't be set down at all- ever. Perfectly normal.

Toss that book. It is not at any way appropriate for a one month old.

-Angela

I agree. She even says in the book that it's not appropriate until at least 4 months. It's a good book for older infants, but it's not wise to try to sleep train a baby that young. Pop him in a sling, let him cluster feed in the evenings, and it will work itself out soon enough.


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## lovetobemama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MotheringHeart* 
I'm also questioning why you feel like being nursed to sleep is something you don't want to commit to in the long term. Do you think nursing your babe to sleep is a problem and if so, why? All of mine have been nursed to sleep and it has always worked wonderfully for us. So you might reconsider, as it is a marvelous tool that can work well.

If I read the post right, it seems like the problem was more the 3-hour-long latched-on nursing session that still didn't result in sleep. Not sure...just trying to clarify







.

I COMPLETELY agree with what a few other mamas have said...don't worry ONE BIT about what you have to do to get a 4 week old to sleep successfully. Ask yourself, am I actually worried that my child still be doing this when he's old enough for kindergarten? I'm sure the answer is no







.

Swing him, sling him, hold him, nurse him, let him sleep in the car seat, let him sleep in your arms...whatever works. Your baby is more like a fetus than a baby till more like 6-12 weeks anyway, so don't you worry one bit about starting habits that you might not like later. There is plenty of time to work on sleep habits when your baby is much older, all that matters now is that the new mommy, new daddy, and new baby are all getting the best sleep that they can!

I would also guess that your baby is actually getting more sleep than you realize during those 3 hours. The latch doesn't automatically break off just because the baby has dozed off. My ds was also really similar about wanting to sleep/eat at the same time. I had a lot of early milk duct issues and had to do a lot of pumping and massaging of clots after each feeding to keep bigger troubles away, so I started to remove ds from the boob by breaking the latch when he had nursed at least 15 minutes from each side, and was swallowing fewer than once after every 3 sucks. By 6 weeks, it was more like 10 minutes on each side. This ended any three-hour latch on sessions so that I had time to take care of myself. It really went smoothly and DS learned to break off on his own when he was done eating, and not just lay there latched on because it felt good. I still held him and slept with him, so it's not like he didn't have my full presence, he just didn't have my boob in his mouth









Basically, we are all writing a ton because we have been there, it sucks and is so hard, but you will make it through!!!! Hang in there!!!!!


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## widemouthedfrog

Sue, ditto to what everyone else has said. I remember that period very much, and I thought the same thing - I thought that I shouldn't nurse to sleep. After all, that's "cheating," right?







:

Dd has nursed to sleep for 2 and a bit years now. Only 3 nights ago did I manage to sing her to sleep for the first time. No, it no longer takes 3 hours.

When he's older, I did find the Pantley pull-off most effective. It really tells you when baby is awake-nursing or reflexively asleep-nursing. But you're so early into it, even though it seems forever. I know that Pantley says to try putting baby down for sleeps sometimes, but dd would never have any of that. She would wake as soon as she left my arms. Some babies are built that way.

When you feel inadequate, remember that you're learning too. You're still in shock, really. I found having a newborn to be a huge shock to the system. I was an independent soul who would be out night and day, doing my own thing. Now I do my own thing around dd's schedule. It's a huge life change, and one that can really impact your level of confidence in EVERYTHING.


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## free2be

I agree with what everyone is saying. It is hard to adjust the the demands of a new baby. I was just thinking the other day about how much better my dd has gotten. It used to take at least an hour for me to get her to sleep and that was only a few months ago. This is just a stage that will pass. Babies have to learn how to sleep and how to be alone. I agree that you should get a sling (like a maya wrap...that's what I used). That always knocked dd out within minutes! Then I'd lay her down (still in sling) and sneak away. Also, side lying worked great for me to. You could also try to be really sneaking about breaking the latch when you are nursing. Say if you notice that the baby isn't sipping as fast and is only nibbling every few seconds or so, I'd stick my finger slowly into the corner of her mouth and break the suction and slowly slide my breast out of her mouth...all while holding my breath! It takes practice but that has worked for me too.

Good luck and remember to enjoy this time. Life will never be the same as it was before you had the baby and I think that's why newborns are the way they are. It's like they have to train us on how to take care of them and how to rearrange our lives for them.

Hang in there mama!


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## Ammaarah

Get Netflix or premium cable and try to just hang in there! NCSS is a great book but not developmentally appropriate for a newborn. Put it away for a few months and just try to roll with it. Get all your stuff done before 5 p.m, then get your snacks and drinks ready and watch a funny movie! This too shall pass.


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## MotheringHeart

Quote:


Originally Posted by *indigo_sue* 
There's no way he'll fall asleep if he's not nursed to sleep or driven around in the car, neither of which are things we want to commit to doing for the long term!


Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovetobemama* 
If I read the post right, it seems like the problem was more the 3-hour-long latched-on nursing session that still didn't result in sleep. Not sure...just trying to clarify







.

I acutally read the above sentences from OP as saying that she doesn't want to have to nurse the babe to sleep. In fact, it seems that's what she's saying outright. Maybe she doesn't mean that, but it seems like that is what she was saying.

I understand how frustrating it can be to nurse a babe for three hours and have it seem like you can leave them, only to have them wake up. But I DON'T think that deciding that nursing to sleep is bad will help the situation at all.


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## indigo_sue

hi everyone, thanks for the great responses and support!

yesterday on the advice given, I decided to toss out the book, toss out the idea of training him to sleep alone, and just be with my baby, whatever that means. And wouldn't you know it, we had a lot more fun! I watched some TV and then when I started getting dozy and it was dark out, we went upstairs and got ready for bed (baby into sleeper and new diaper, mom into PJs with her teeth brushed). Then we all (including dad) just hung out in bed and nursed and read. I even called my mom and chatted on the phone with her for a while. Baby dozed off around 10 (took only an hour of nursing) and then the two of us actually managed to have ADULT time in bed! WOOHOO! That's certainly not something I've been expecting to happen for MONTHS!

Anyhow... in response to questions about the original post:

I have no problem at all with the idea of nursing baby to sleep. I love it, in fact. It's magical. Nursing for three hours and having him spring back to life again was devastating because he doesn't just wake up, he was getting super wired and screaming his head off. Nursing for three hours without resting afterwards is also a problem for me because we have to work so hard to get a good latch still, and I have to nurse sitting up in bed and my body gets sore from staying in the limited positions that allow us to maintain good latch. When I get lazy, my nipples pay the price and I get grumpy. We are gradually working on the side-lying position to expand our repertoire of nursing positions, but I want to make sure we don't regress on the latch issue. Football hold has been tried, but my forearms are too short to hold him in place! (yes I've had this confirmed by an expert - it's an anatomical oddity. My arms are proportionately short in relation to rest of my body). Our mattress is soft (this is being addressed) so side-lying is tricky with such a small baby. I am very much looking forward to nursing lying down and sleeping with the little man, as soon as we have achieved a setup where we can have good latch and proper safety! (e.g. guardrail, firmer mattress, etc).

I do NOT want to have to drive around with the baby in the car to get him to sleep because I don't want to burn fossil fuels - I want to protect the world so when baby grows up he can enjoy it too!

Anyhow... thanks to everyone who replied. I'm just going to try to be more mellow around bedtime.


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## MotheringHeart

It sounds like things are going much better! Congrats on having the mellowness to throw out the books and just let the babe do what he needs to!!!!

And I get what you are saying about nursing for three hours and having babe spring back to life. That is THE WORST!

Anyhoo, sounds like you are on the right track and things are working out!


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## sunnysideup

I'm glad to hear that things went well for you last night. I thought I'd add that it is common for babies this age to "cluster feed" in the evening. That can mean 2-3 hour nursing sessions. Hang in there! This too, shall pass.


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## flowmom

Babies have their own ideas of when and how to sleep that really clash with our cultural expectations. The first thing is to let go of the idea that there is something more important to do than being with your baby. The tiny infant months pass so quickly and I feel sad that those days are behind me now







. Being a new mom is almost like losing physical capacities - you have to re-learn how to live and how to do everything. Cluster feeding in the evenings is totally common and I have definitely experienced that. My babies had a lot of problems getting to sleep and the one thing that I often had to do was to take them for walks *outdoors* with them in a baby carrier. It *had* to be outdoors. Otherwise getting to sleep would be endless.


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## shayinme

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ammaarah* 
Get Netflix or premium cable and try to just hang in there! NCSS is a great book but not developmentally appropriate for a newborn. Put it away for a few months and just try to roll with it. Get all your stuff done before 5 p.m, then get your snacks and drinks ready and watch a funny movie! This too shall pass.









: I did a lot of tv watching and reading in the early mos after dd's birth, I remember watching whole movies in the evening with her in my arms nursing and sleeping.

Like another posters child, even at 2 yo my dd still requires being held and rocked until she falls asleep. Luckily for us around 18 mos she didn't need to nurse to sleep (just to nurse before sleeping) so dh now handles bed time since for the first 18 mos, I slept when she slept.

Beleive it or not this passes and for the record I never found that book or any book useful.. only frustrating because my dd never complied







. Life has been much easier since I lost the expectations.

Shay


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## veganf

Sounds like he's just comfort nursing. After 45 minutes I'd put him down. If he wakes crying then pick him up, nurse for 5 minutes, put him down again, etc. Repeat until he gets used to sleeping somewhere not ON you or with a boob in his mouth...assuming that's what you want for him. Many people here are against ever being able to set your baby down until they go to college







but I personally need a little space. It will get better with time as he gets older and you are persistent. Eventually he will be tired and sleep regardless of you holding him. It is just so hard in the those early months functioning on so little sleep. Can you create a safe environment so you can cosleep with him? Then you can nurse laying down and just unlatch after he's done actually swallowing (not comfort nursing) and the lack of movement to a new surface should help.

edited because I just read your update:
That's great that you're working on the co-sleeping situation. You can get soooo much more sleep that way.
And just so no one misunderstands me, I think it's fine to carry a sleeping baby around all the time if you WANT to, but I personally don't. When they fall alseep, they get put down so that I can get other things done comfortably. IMO you can still be a very attached parent and not be physically attached to your baby 24 hours a day.


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## indigo_sue

I discovered last night that DS (now five and a half weeks old) falls asleep like a charm after nursing IF he's held vertically. The minute he gets horizontal, whether co-sleeping or not, he wakes up grousing and fussing. Last night I held and rocked him to sleep and then put him in his bouncy chair which kept him at a 45 degree angle. On the angle he will sleep but has periodic "in his sleep" sounds of discomfort every 10 minutes or so, from which he'll settle if I put my hand on his leg or his arm.

I'm exploring various physical causes for this... I'm guessing it's a little like heartburn or something. I'm going to try gripe water tonight. He doesn't have acute reflux but I think there's a little something going on in there which makes it hard for him to be comfortable while horizontal. Any suggestions as to various possibilities are quite welcome! Speculate away!


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## phoenixwings

So glad to see this! I had the WORST time last night with my 3 week old daughter. I foolishly went to bed around 2. Been going to bed at midnight since she's already gotten a schedule worked out and thats when she normally falls asleep.

She woke up around 3:30 last night. I let her cry for about 20 minutes before I went to feed her. After reading things on CIO today I feel horrible for what I did, considering this is what I've been doing off and on because that's what everyone told me to. But I digress. She ate for about half an hour, then fell off the breast, so I said okay she's going to sleep like she always does. Boy was I wrong! I went to lay down next to dh, was just starting to nod off when she started crying again. I tried to get her to nurse. She wouldn't, so I checked her diaper. Clean. Tried to nurse again and she did. Same thing happened as before and I put her back in her bassinet and went to go back to sleep. Took a few minutes longer, but she was back to screaming again. I picked her up and bounced her around a little, she latched on and I sat down in my chair. After about an hour my back started to hurt, so I broke the latch thinking I might be able to lay her down and go back to bed. She started screaming, and I started crying which made her scream louder. This continued until I moved her back to my breast and she started to eat. I went into the living room and watched TV, and finally at 6:30 or so she fell asleep and I could sleep until dh had to get up for work at 8:00. After he left, though, it was sleep till noon for both of us like usual.

Anyways, just wanted to share my experience so you could add it to the list of other mothers who have posted here. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, as I'm sure you are (glad) too after reading all these other posts from the more experienced mamas. I haven't gotten books but after listening to the mainstream people telling me to just let her cry and realizing that my instincts were right in telling me that it was wrong to do it, I don't think I'll ever get books, or if I do, I'll skim through them before I buy to make sure I agree with what's there. If you want to talk, drop me a line. I'll help the best way I can, even if it's just to offer reassurance.







to you! Hang in there, taking care of a newborn is some HARD stuff!


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## riomidwife

Quote:


Originally Posted by *indigo_sue* 
I discovered last night that DS (now five and a half weeks old) falls asleep like a charm after nursing IF he's held vertically. The minute he gets horizontal, whether co-sleeping or not, he wakes up grousing and fussing.Any suggestions as to various possibilities are quite welcome! Speculate away!









Sue, I empahthize....My little one is the same way. At around five weeks he would nurse from 7 or 8 to 11 or midnight practically every night. It would end in tears--for both of us. It was so crazy-making for me. After 4 hours I had to hand him to my partner, delerious, feeling like I was loosing my mind.

He too would just NOT be put down. He could be in an apparent DEEP sleep for 30 minutes on my chest, but the moment he was put down he was up. Swaddling helped this a lot, but this was midsummer here in New MExico, and we don't have AC, so swaddling wasn't always practical.

He would even wake the moment he felt my body leaning foward to put him down. It was around this time theat I figured out he has reflux, and being being put down actually _hurt_ him. Made so much sense. I posted about this on a reflux thread in the life with a babe forum. I made some structural changes in the way I nursed him and held him, etc., and he is SO much happier now.

Still, at ten weeks, getting him to sleep is a challenge....He will "go down" without much of a fuss after one try, but it MUST be at least 30 minutes after he has nursed (and been held vertically that whole time). Our trouble now is he never goes doen before midnight.

So, I feel you! Hang in there!
Things will shift one way or another- this is NOT permanent!


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## indigo_sue

We figured Simon was having moderate reflux too, so we started having him sleep in his bouncy chair which fit snugly INSIDE the bassinette beside the bed so I could still touch him from where I was sleeping. Once we stopped trying to lie him horizontally he slept much better and so did we. After a couple of weeks he was getting more annoyed at having to be strapped in to the little chair while sleeping, so we went back to the horizontal-lying and it went fine! I guess he just needed that little extra time for his little belly to grow up.

We still have to be really vigilant about burping him thoroughly before putting him down, otherwise he's fussy all night unless we pick him up again. Burping has evolved though, from the early days of practically wearing out our arms thumping him on the back and leaning him over our knees etc. to now. All we have to do is hold him vertical and rub his back, and he'll usually burp himself after four or five minutes (faster if he's still really relaxed from nursing). The less we jostle him, the better.


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## riomidwife

we found all the same to be true with the burping. GOTTA get the burp or it's trouble! Glad to hear things have improved!


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## wannabe

Quote:


Originally Posted by *indigo_sue* 
There's no way he'll fall asleep if he's not nursed to sleep or driven around in the car, neither of which are things we want to commit to doing for the long term!

even if you planned on doing whatever you do tonight every night for the long term, your child would develop different ideas at some point.

Do what works.


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