# Have you been asked to bring a gift for the birthday child's sibling?



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

We received an evite for a birthday invitation for my cousin's daughter who's going to be 1. We're really psyched about it. Here's the thing. On the evite she asked all guests to please bring a gift for the older daughter so she won't feel left out. I'm aware that the older daughter has had some issues adjusting to having a sibling and not being the center of attention anymore. Truthfully, it hasn't been easy for my cousins oldest DD. I don't want to buy a gift for the older child. It was her birthday last month and I got her a gift already. Is this something you've been asked to do before?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

No, I haven't. I don't think I'd do it. I've seen parents, and even grandparents, give an older sibling a little something at a baby's party, and I can get that. Expecting the guests to bring something for the sibling just seems weird. And, just off the cuff...it sounds counterproductive. I really don't think it's going to help the older dd adjust if she's being given the notion that the baby can't have her own "special day", yk?


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

No and that's just bizarre. Did she ask everyone or just a few family members?

My mom brings gifts to all the grandkids' parties for the other grandkids, but no one else does and I certainly would never ask someone to. As hard as it getting a new sibling, overcompensating does nothing to help the adjustment.


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

No. That seems ridiculous and like it will set up a lot of unrealistic expectations.


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## momtoTnT (Dec 15, 2004)

I've also never seen this/heard of it before - other than from grandparents - my grandma did this for both me and my sister when we were little - and my MIL does it for my kids as well - but it's something little.

I personally, wouldn't do it. I agree with Storm Bride that it sounds counterproductive.


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## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
No, I haven't. I don't think I'd do it. I've seen parents, and even grandparents, give an older sibling a little something at a baby's party, and I can get that. Expecting the guests to bring something for the sibling just seems weird. And, just off the cuff...it sounds counterproductive. I really don't think it's going to help the older dd adjust if she's being given the notion that the baby can't have her own "special day", yk?

This.

When my brother and I were younger my parents would get one of us a small gift (presented at a different time than the party, mind you) In fact, it was usually a few days before or after...we called it brother's day or sister's day depending on who's birthday it was. But once we got older we were taught that it wasn't always that way. After that brother/sister day was just a joke to decide who got their way. (Like, the first person to declare it "their day" got to pick what movie we watched or where we ate lunch)


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
No. That seems ridiculous and like it will set up a lot of unrealistic expectations.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Alyantavid* 
No and that's just bizarre. *Did she ask everyone or just a few family members?*
My mom brings gifts to all the grandkids' parties for the other grandkids, but no one else does and I certainly would never ask someone to. As hard as it getting a new sibling, overcompensating does nothing to help the adjustment.

She asked every invited guest. My close girlfriend is invited too and the same thing was on her evite. She mentioned to me because she can't afford to buy an extra gift for the older daughter.


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## CrazyCatLady (Aug 17, 2004)

Where do people get this kind of nerve?

I see grandparents and parents do this kind of stuff for siblings all the time. But to ask everyone else to bring an extra present...is just weird and tacky.


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## bnhmama (Nov 28, 2006)

I find that incredibly rude and agree that it's just setting the older child up for unrealistic expectations. Talk about a sense of entitlement! If they feel they must have presents for the older child, they should buy them. Not ask the guests to. Wow. I can't get over how rude this is!

Personally, I wouldn't bring an extra gift. Just tell her you could only afford one gift.


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## annie2186 (Apr 13, 2009)

Totally random - never heard of such a thing!

As a mom I would never ask that - I would be to embarrassed!


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

I think I'm less bothered by the request because I won't get the older child a gift but more bothered that she's not dealing with the issues the oldest child is having with having another sibling. It's been a year and it's not getting better. I feel for her oldest daughter and for my cousin and her DP too.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

I've often given an older sibling a small, very inexpensive gift when I visit after a new baby has been added to a family. Something like a colouring book and crayons, or bubble mix and a wand, or sidewalk chalk. Just to recognize them and help them celebrate their changed status in the family as the "big brother" or "big sister".

I think it's a bad idea to ask people to give gifts to the sibling at a birthday party though. It's different if people want to do it.


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

The only time I've been supportive of a gift to be given for a sibling is when my dd was born -- the grandparents wanted to give something to ds to celebrate.

But, that's where it ended for me and I've actively discouraged it since then. Sure, a kid will take a gift whenever it's offered, but to begin to expect a gift when others are getting a gift isn't helping a child learn to appreciate the whole aspect of gift giving and personal celebrations. And it's never too early to start to learn this, IMO.

And I'm somewhat shocked that a request would be made of this nature - especially since the older dd recently had a birthday. Did they also request then that you give a gift to the younger dd so she "wouldn't feel out of it?"

If it were me, I'd ignore that part of the evite and make sure that you give the older dd some personal attention at the party -- which is probably the best gift that you could give her.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LauraLoo* 
The only time I've been supportive of a gift to be given for a sibling is when my dd was born -- the grandparents wanted to give something to ds to celebrate.

But, that's where it ended for me and I've actively discouraged it since then. Sure, a kid will take a gift whenever it's offered, but to begin to expect a gift when others are getting a gift isn't helping a child learn to appreciate the whole aspect of gift giving and personal celebrations. And it's never too early to start to learn this, IMO.

And I'm somewhat shocked that a request would be made of this nature - especially since the older dd recently had a birthday. *Did they also request then that you give a gift to the younger dd so she "wouldn't feel out of it?"*
If it were me, I'd ignore that part of the evite and make sure that you give the older dd some personal attention at the party -- which is probably the best gift that you could give her.

Not at all.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Wow, that is kind of bizarre. I get that the child has some sibling rivalry. Most older siblings do. But I would never expect anyone to get a gift for my older kids just because the baby was turning 1. In fact, I have spent the entire week leading up to a baby's birthday explaining to the older sibling(s), that it's the baby's special day and the baby will get gifts just like the sibling does on her birthday.


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## daytripper75 (Jul 29, 2003)

No.







I feel sorry for that family, they are treating the symptom not the problem.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Odd. Newsflash to the parents: life isn't always fair, and when you have more than one child there willl be many issues such as jealousy and sibling rivalry. It's impossible to make everyone happy all the time, and you will be doing your children a disservice to attempt to cater to their every need. At a birthday party, the norm is that the birthday child receives gifts. Thus is life.

No, but really, I do understand when parents or even grandparents give something special to the sibling who feels left out when a new baby is born, or a first birthday party of said baby. But to request that all guests bring something for the older sibling is tacky and unnecessary.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

It's rude to ask for gifts. Period.


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## astra (Jan 21, 2006)

I remember my mom giving me a small gift on my brother's birthday. I was terribly jealous of him for a very long time! He got the same treatment on my birthday. She would have never asked anyone to buy us both something!

I do think it is very rude but I would bring something small, like dollar store type thing for the sister since they asked for it. How old is she anyway?


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## ~savah~ (Aug 24, 2008)

Nope I've never heard of it. We do this within the family (even for the older sibling) up to a certain age, but I just cannot imagine asking this of of every invited guest. That poor child must really be having a hard time adjusting







.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *astra* 
I remember my mom giving me a small gift on my brother's birthday. I was terribly jealous of him for a very long time! He got the same treatment on my birthday. She would have never asked anyone to buy us both something!

I do think it is very rude but I would bring something small, like dollar store type thing for the sister since they asked for it. How old is she anyway?

The oldest is three. She got a wonderful and well thought of birthday gift from us last month so I won't get her anything from the dollar store. My cousin is well meaning but I don't think she realizes gifts aren't the cure all for the rivalry issue.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

My mom always gave my sister and I matching presents on each others birthdays when we were small, up until about 6 or 7. We were 18 months apart. It's just weird and greedy to expect it from guests though.


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

That's just sad, that they are being tacky and expecting their GUESTS to do the work of "solving" this sibling/parenting issue for them. I feel bad for both those kids. And the guests!


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

Wow, cheeky!

The only time I've seen sibling gifts is when people bring something over for a new baby, they will often bring something small for a sibling who was say preschool age or younger.

I have two boys, they both have birthdays and they've both gotten gifts and neither has received gifts on the other boy's birthday. It's my job to teach them that it's someone ELSE's special day.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I think the mom is making it worse. The older sibling needs to learn that it isn't all about her. Having a "poor baby" attitude about a child who isn't a baby isn't helpful to them at all.

I really like the book Siblings without Rivarly. If it were me, I'd give the mom a copy (you might read it first if you haven't).

We only have 2 kids and their B-days are 6 months apart. They each get a gift on the other's birthday, but I don't want anyone else to do so. One present from your parents says that you are loved and are part of the fun -- gifts from everyone says that your sibling isn't special and that it is ALL about you!


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CrazyCatLady* 
Where do people get this kind of nerve?

I see grandparents and parents do this kind of stuff for siblings all the time. But to ask everyone else to bring an extra present...is just weird and tacky.









I would NOT do it.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

No, I've never seen someone come out and ask for that before. It seems a little rude.


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I think the mom is making it worse. The older sibling needs to learn that it isn't all about her. Having a "poor baby" attitude about a child who isn't a baby isn't helpful to them at all.

I really like the book Siblings without Rivarly. If it were me, I'd give the mom a copy (you might read it first if you haven't).

We only have 2 kids and their B-days are 6 months apart. They each get a gift on the other's birthday, but I don't want anyone else to do so. One present from your parents says that you are loved and are part of the fun -- gifts from everyone says that your sibling isn't special and that it is ALL about you!

Ha, wrap up that great book as the extra gift!


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## wookie (Dec 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megan73* 
It's rude to ask for gifts. Period.

Exactly.


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## wookie (Dec 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
The oldest is three. She got a wonderful and well thought of birthday gift from us last month so I won't get her anything from the dollar store. My cousin is well meaning *but I don't think she realizes gifts aren't the cure all for the rivalry issue*.

And even IF it were the cure, asking someone ELSE to provide it is what's not understandable to me.


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## VBMama (Jan 6, 2004)

Yeah, not appropriate! This reminds of a story about a family friend in a similar situation - oldest dd didn't adjust well with arrival of younger ds, and on the baby's first birthday, they apparently sang "Happy birthday to dd's little brother, happy birthday to you!" instead of singing happy birthday with the little boy's name. Nice, huh?


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## laughymama (Oct 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
Odd. Newsflash to the parents: *life isn't always fair, and when you have more than one child there willl be many issues such as jealousy and sibling rivalry. It's impossible to make everyone happy all the time, and you will be doing your children a disservice to attempt to cater to their every need.* At a birthday party, the norm is that the birthday child receives gifts. Thus is life.

No, but really, I do understand when parents or even grandparents give something special to the sibling who feels left out when a new baby is born, or a first birthday party of said baby. But to request that all guests bring something for the older sibling is tacky and unnecessary.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Starflower* 
No. *That seems ridiculous and like it will set up a lot of unrealistic expectations.*


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## Raine822 (Dec 11, 2008)

It's inappropriate to ask for the gift. It also won't help the older sibling at all. My family did the gift for sibling on birthdays ect. and it just made the fighting between my and my brother worse. We we raised to expect getting something any time the other did. Other than when DD2 was born and we bought DD1 2 toys we never allow gifts for on on the other's b-day.


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

It's wrong and ridiculous. But maybe you can get the older sib a dollar-store puzzle and be done with it.


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## Tjej (Jan 22, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I think the mom is making it worse. The older sibling needs to learn that it isn't all about her. Having a "poor baby" attitude about a child who isn't a baby isn't helpful to them at all.

I really like the book Siblings without Rivarly. If it were me, I'd give the mom a copy (you might read it first if you haven't).


THERE you go! That'd make the perfect gift for the older sibling!









Tjej


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

That's a new one.









I'm familiar with "condolance prize" sorts of gifts, something small for a sibling feeling left out. But seriously, if the parents have for whatever reason a child who is jealous of their sibling's birthday and can't wait for their own, then it's the parents responsibility to use their very own dollars if they want to allow that to continue.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
No, I haven't. I don't think I'd do it. I've seen parents, and even grandparents, give an older sibling a little something at a baby's party, and I can get that. Expecting the guests to bring something for the sibling just seems weird. And, just off the cuff...it sounds counterproductive. I really don't think it's going to help the older dd adjust if she's being given the notion that the baby can't have her own "special day", yk?










It makes sense for parents and grandparents (assuming the youngest also gets something on the older kid's b-day), but not for anyone else.

I do think it's nice that my parents always got a gift for the older kids when they went to a baby shower. But that's less about jealousy and more about "hey, we remember that YOU are getting a new family member too."


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

it's wrong for her to expect a gift for either of her daughters.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:

It was her birthday last month and I got her a gift already. Is this something you've been asked to do before
Did they ask to bring the baby a gift on the older dd's birthday??? From what you said I doubt it.

i would not bring the older kid a gift. It's rude to ask such a thing.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

It sounds like they are trying to prevent a "scene" at the party by older dd. I don't think it's very polite at all to ask for this--it sounds sort of desperate to me. If I were in the parents shoes, this would be the time I would pull out something special that might occupy the older child during the party time-something from the parents. Three year olds can't really be expected to "get over it" on their own, and parties w/gifts have been known to make the most balanced three year old act poorly. I get that the parents might be trying to head this off, but their methods are going to seriously backfire.


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## SaoirseC (Jul 17, 2009)

I think I'd give the parents a gift instead- the book "Siblings without Rivalry"


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## Danielle283 (Jun 7, 2005)

Nope, never dealt with that one! However I did have a friend come to DD's party with a gift for her son (and nothing for my DD) so he wouldn't be jealous. I'm still dumbfounded by that one.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

How absolutely RUDE.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

mt children get bent out of shape still at their siblings birthday. There are always tears because she got blah blah blah and I don't. And they are 13, 10, and 7.







:

BUt never in a million years would I ask anyone to bring anything for anybody to a party I was hosting. not for the birthday child and certainly not for a sibling.

However, I think instead of gifts for the kids (lets face it the baby probably doesn't need anything....) you should get the parents the "Siblings Without Rivelry" (whoever brought that up...BRILLIANT!! ). They sound like they could use some help.


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## jeanine123 (Jan 7, 2005)

No I haven't and I agree in that I think it's weird to say the least. The older sibling as had a year now to get used to the baby/younger sibling. I can maybe understand bringing a little something for the older sibling when the baby is born, but not when baby is turning one or any other age. What a crummy precedent to set for the older sibling.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

If they decorate, I've got a great gift for the older kid "Hi kiddo, this is for you" and hand over a balloon snagged from the wall.







:


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## JollyGG (Oct 1, 2008)

My kids have a joint birthday party as their actual birthdays are so close (plus they like to share the party). I was shocked by how many of the party guest brought gifts for both kids. I expected my son's friends to bring him a gift, my daughters to bring her a gift and the friends who knew both to either give a joint gift or one to each. I was very surprised at the number of gifts both kids got due to so many guest bringing gifts for both kids.

So I would find it very bizarre to have guests bring gifts for a sibling who wasn't even celebrating their birthday.

I'd also consider it rude to ask guests to bring any type of gift and to ask them for two is even ruder.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I would NOT take an extra present. To expect presents at all is extremely rude.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I wouldn't bring an extra present. That is SO rude. I can't imagine.

I have two kids with a large age gap, so I get the "jealous of the attention the baby gets" thing, but telling people to get the older kid a gift on the baby's birthday is not a solution. Even if it weren't ridiculously rude it wouldn't be a solution. The older one has to get used to having another person in the house who has birthdays and gets special things just like the older one does. I didn't get my older dd a present on the younger one's first birthday, although she did enjoy helping her open her presents, and despite being 8, had a lot of fun playing with them.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I have never heard of this, and find it very rude.


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## akwifeandmomma (Aug 13, 2005)

That's nuts. I would bring a gift for the birthday girl and not even mention the older DD unless it was brought up. And then I'd have to bite my tongue not to tell her how tacky, rude, and ridiculous her request was.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllyRae* 
Wow, that is kind of bizarre. I get that the child has some sibling rivalry. Most older siblings do. But I would never expect anyone to get a gift for my older kids just because the baby was turning 1. In fact, I have spent the entire week leading up to a baby's birthday explaining to the older sibling(s), that it's the baby's special day and the baby will get gifts just like the sibling does on her birthday.

That's what I do too. I let DD know what to expect and she does fine. It has in the past taken a little bit of working through her jealousy, but that's why we talk about it ahead of time. She is always extremely excited for her brother to have a birthday because she knows how cool the day can be. DD is a "Fancy Nancy" so she gets very into making the cake, decorating it, picking out candles, wrapping presents, singing, and everything birthday related.

I did let DD have the big sister job of helping her brother open his presents when he is done after the first 2. But now that he is older he totally gets the concept of presents and is more than likely going to help her open hers too.


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

WOW! UGH. *IF* we did a big party and invited family and all that, I would not expect ONE gift for the child who's b-day it is! The whole point is to enjoy the family and yes, appreciate any gifts that they happen to bring.

In my house, I would probably spend the time before the party when we're prepping talking about how we did X for her birthday and now we are going to do X for the baby's day. (i.e. "Remember your strawberry birthday cake? Tomorrow is baby's birthday and she is going to have XYZ cake." "remember when we did Y at your party? Remember when you got ABC XYZ presents? Today is baby's day to get some presents.)

She needs to be reminded she had her special day! And if anyone DOES HAPPEN TO bring her a small gift, she needs to be taught to express appreciation for it and to enjoy it.









What kind of example is it going to set when the kid finds out mom asks everyone to bring stuff for both at every party? The kid will eventually find out most B-day parties don't work this way for other people...


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

I knew a mom like this.

She had two girls about 18 months apart, and every time she bought ANYTHING for one girl, she'd buy an exact replica for the other. They were in a playgroup with us and we did a little Xmas gift exchange, and she had to ask and write down where the two gifts for her girls came from so she could buy the same one for the other. I had drawn one of their names, and I remember being embarrassed because it had come from somewhere like the Grocery Outlet or the thrift store, and she was insistent I tell her where I got it.

The other thing she did was talk constantly about how much they hated each other and how much they fought. And she always said this right in front of them. Talk about setting up a negative dynamic!


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
I think I'm less bothered by the request because I won't get the older child a gift but more bothered that she's not dealing with the issues the oldest child is having with having another sibling. It's been a year and it's not getting better. I feel for her oldest daughter and for my cousin and her DP too.

You know, it might take awhile for the older sibling to adjust. So what? Getting gifts on the baby's birthday doesn't help that process. I think this request is outrageous. I wouldn't do it.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ollyoxenfree* 
I've often given an older sibling a small, very inexpensive gift when I visit after a new baby has been added to a family. Something like a colouring book and crayons, or bubble mix and a wand, or sidewalk chalk. Just to recognize them and help them celebrate their changed status in the family as the "big brother" or "big sister".


I always do this, too. I'm never asked to do it. It just seems "right" and the gift for the older sibling is always a small, inexpensive thing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megan73* 
It's rude to ask for gifts. Period.

absolutely!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 








It makes sense for parents and grandparents (assuming the youngest also gets something on the older kid's b-day), but not for anyone else.

I do think it's nice that my parents always got a gift for the older kids when they went to a baby shower. But that's less about jealousy and more about "hey, we remember that YOU are getting a new family member too."

I agree.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

I agree with the person who said that asking for gifts is rude period, even for the birthday person. And really, its making the jealousy situation worse, because the older child can't always expect to be in the spotlight when others are, life doesn't work like that. I think a better idea would be to let the older child help "host" the party, what an important older sibling job that would be! Do you feel comfortable enough with this person to tell them how you feel about the request?


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

I knew a mom like this, who hinted that I buy gifts for all her kids for one birthday party, because she always buys for other kids' siblings when going to birthday parties. Well, it's easy to say when she has three and I have an only child (I only had ds then).


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

I've never been asked to do so, and I'd be shocked if I were. Having said that, I have brought a small gift when a new sibling arrives for the older sibling (assuming it is a relatively young child).


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

What about giving the older sib a *gift certificate* to come to your house and bake cookies, or go to the zoo with your family, or something else like that (something that would be fun for you and your kids and out of the norm for the other child).

I feel that the mom is really, really out of line, but if this is a family member that you are stuck dealing with, coming up with a solution that keeps the peace would be nice.

Make love, not war.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
What about giving the older sib a *gift certificate* to come to your house and bake cookies, or go to the zoo with your family, or something else like that (something that would be fun for you and your kids and out of the norm for the other child).

I feel that the mom is really, really out of line, but if this is a family member that you are stuck dealing with, coming up with a solution that keeps the peace would be nice.

Make love, not war.

Yes, OP. Since there's pretty universal agreeement that the request for a gift is rude, I am curious how you will handle it. Do you mind sharing, if it's not too invasive to ask? If you don't want to answer, I understand completely.


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## sarahdavida (Mar 21, 2008)

I see you´ve had plenty of responses - and I haven´t read them all - but when I saw the OP, I just couldn´t believe it.

It is a tacky request and I feel badly for this woman who has gotten to the point where she thinks it´s acceptable to put the responsibility on other people to make her child "feel better" and therefore, make her life a little easier for a few hours (maybe).

That is not a good scenario and the older sibling needs to learn how to work through his/her feelings around not being the center of attention all the time (the family needs to learn how to work through it, too) - particularly if the older child just celebrated a birthday and received plenty of gifts - did the mother ask everyone to bring a gift for the baby, too? so the older child would see the baby wasn´t feeling left out? I doubt it.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I have never heard of that kind of request and I wouldn't honor it. I did bring something for an older sibling when his family had a celebration of their new child's birth, but that was a personal choice and not something that anyone was asked to do.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
What about giving the older sib a *gift certificate* to come to your house and bake cookies, or go to the zoo with your family, or something else like that (something that would be fun for you and your kids and out of the norm for the other child).

I feel that the mom is really, really out of line, but if this is a family member that you are stuck dealing with, coming up with a solution that keeps the peace would be nice.

Make love, not war.

I think this is a great idea. I agree that the request was rude, but if the older child is having a hard time and the parents aren't dealing well with it, I would want to help.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ollyoxenfree* 
Yes, OP. Since there's pretty universal agreeement that the request for a gift is rude, I am curious how you will handle it. Do you mind sharing, if it's not too invasive to ask? If you don't want to answer, I understand completely.

I don't mind you asking at all. I plan on just giving the gift to the birthday girl. I think Linda on the move's suggestion was great (thank you) but I don't think I am going to do it because I feel like giving her something at the birthday party is aiding and abetting (couldn't think of another phrase to use) the poor way her parents are dealing with the issues she's having with her younger sister.

I'd give her the certificate a few days later.


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## MissMaegie'sMama (Jul 27, 2006)

If I were in the OP's shoes, I would buy the older sister a card and write her a nice note about how even though being a big sister is tough, she's doing a great job (even if I didn't think it was totally true). I would spend a little time with the child during the party to read it with her and maybe talk about how she feels about being a big sister- try to appreciate her point of view. I might even offer the parents to stop by sometime and take the big sister to the park or something so she can spend some time away from her sibling. I think that would be more meaningful to a young child than a present which will get lost in the shuffle of her sister's party.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

We generally give the older sibling a gift when a baby is born. Usually something they can do quietly while mom nurses OR something matching with the baby (like matching fleece jackets, matching hats or matching pajamas).

In the case you are describing, I would probably decide based on how close I was to the family. If it was a close friend or family member I might consider getting the older child a book that they could read to the baby (like a board book with a note) OR something they could use together/were matching (matching hair bows, socks, something tiny). If it was a more random person I'd either just bring one gift or not even go









If I was really close to the person, though, I would definately say something about there being other ways to deal with the issue. When DS turned one (so DD was 3.5) we made it so she was the only kid who could help him open his gifts (except the person who had given him the gift if he wanted). But we've always made *giving* a gift a really big deal (the kids' favorite part of Christmas is often "being Santa" and handing out the presents







).


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

No I have never been asked and I wouldn't do it either. I find it a bit rude. I think its fine if the mom wants to give the older kid a gift but I don't think everyone else should have to buy 2 gifts, especially if she just had a birthday.

we never had friend bday parties. But me and my younger sis (she is 3years younger) always had to give the other one a present on our birthday. Our birthday are 2 weeks apart. I never understood why I had to give her something or why she had to give me something. I imagine it was well intentioned. But I personally feel that your bday is your day to be celebrated.

Older kids get a gift when a baby is born in our house. But thats it.


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annie2186* 
As a mom I would never ask that - I would be to embarrassed!

when cameron was born i bought chloe a baby doll , i bought chloe, cameron and caitlin all a small gift when cadet was born and i have once let caitlin choose gifts for chloe and cameron when it was her birthday, but i'd never ask on an invitation for gifts to be bought for older siblings, thats just rude imo.


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## Kelly1101 (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VBMama* 
Yeah, not appropriate! This reminds of a story about a family friend in a similar situation - oldest dd didn't adjust well with arrival of younger ds, and on the baby's first birthday, they apparently sang "Happy birthday to dd's little brother, happy birthday to you!" instead of singing happy birthday with the little boy's name. Nice, huh?

Holy crap!

As for the OP, I'll often of my own accord bring a gift for an older sibling when I visit right after the birth. But to ask on an invitation, a year after the birth? HA!


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

I have a friend who it wouldn't surprise me if she did this. Her daughter is a little over 2 years older than her son and when the baby started playing with toys, she actually went out to buy new baby toys because the daughter wanted them since they were hers. They also bought a new highchair for the same reason.

A friend of mines growing up was the oldest of four and there was a pretty large gap between her and her next closest sibling (6 years.) Her parents would give the other kids candy bars on the birthday child's birthday. I pretty much lived there, so they'd also give me a candy bar if I was having dinner with them that night. But, they NEVER asked other parents to bring something for the other kids! That's just rude!

I'm just starting "Siblings without Rivalry" and I think it would be a great present for the parents.


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## StrawberryFields (Apr 6, 2005)

I think it is crazy bizarre to ask for a sibling gift right on the invite. However, I have done it on my own--brought a sibling gift on the younger child's first birthday. I think it can be confusing for the little ones when their sibling has a birthday for the first time, even when there is normally no rivalry. I have brought something little (less than $5) and given it to them, saying thank you to them for being such a great big brother/big sister this past year.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

I am not averse to giving the older child a gift at a younger sibling's birthday. The parents should have just done one big joint party in between the two birthdays if they are only a month apart. I'd have happily gotten the older sibling a gift except for having gotten her one a month before.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
I don't mind you asking at all. I plan on just giving the gift to the birthday girl. I think Linda on the move's suggestion was great (thank you) but I don't think I am going to do it because I feel like giving her something at the birthday party is aiding and abetting (couldn't think of another phrase to use) the poor way her parents are dealing with the issues she's having with her younger sister.

I'd give her the certificate a few days later.

Thanks for sharing. I think it's one thing for all of us to talk about the parent's request and how to handle it - an entirely different, very difficult thing to have to actually deal with sensitive family members. Best wishes with it - and also to those 2 sisters.

I also like the idea of letting the parents know about _Siblings Without Rivalry_. Perhaps not as a gift at the party, but maybe as a suggestion if they start talking about the older sister's problems adjusting to her sister ("Hey, there's a really good book on the subject. It's very helpful...."


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ollyoxenfree* 
Thanks for sharing. I think it's one thing for all of us to talk about the parent's request and how to handle it - an entirely different, very difficult thing to have to actually deal with sensitive family members. Best wishes with it - and also to those 2 sisters.

I also like the idea of letting the parents know about _Siblings Without Rivalry_. Perhaps not as a gift at the party, but maybe as a suggestion if they start talking about the older sister's problems adjusting to her sister ("Hey, there's a really good book on the subject. It's very helpful...."

Thank you! I've decided to do a variation of Linda on the Move's suggestion. Instead of giving the older child a coupon for a day to hang out I'm going to make up one for the mom. I'll take the youngest for a day or a few hours (their choice) and maybe they can spend some time with the older child alone.

I also like your gentle approach to mentioning the sibling book. I'll do it after the party.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elmh23* 
I have a friend who it wouldn't surprise me if she did this. Her daughter is a little over 2 years older than her son and when the baby started playing with toys, she actually went out to buy new baby toys because the daughter wanted them since they were hers. *They also bought a new highchair for the same reason.*
A friend of mines growing up was the oldest of four and there was a pretty large gap between her and her next closest sibling (6 years.) Her parents would give the other kids candy bars on the birthday child's birthday. I pretty much lived there, so they'd also give me a candy bar if I was having dinner with them that night. But, they NEVER asked other parents to bring something for the other kids! That's just rude!

I'm just starting "Siblings without Rivalry" and I think it would be a great present for the parents.


Is the older child even using the high chair or does she just not want the younger sibling to use it because it's hers? Wow.


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