# MIL and presents - very mad!!!



## honeybun (Jul 24, 2008)

I am ranting and advice seeking!
So my MIL keeps giving my 2 year old daughter a whole bunch of stuff that she bought in Good Will or yard sales as presents. She wraps these things up and gives them. While I understand that for a lot of people it's acceptable, it is not for me (I am a biggest jermaphobe and am used to nice things). I expressed my opinion about it to her. Well, she stopped giving her used clothes, but she still gives DD toys (as gifts) that she bought for $2 at the yard sale. What hurts my feelings the most is that for Christmas she gave my stepson (16 year old) and my niece $125 worth of presents (brand new with gift receipts). And my daughter got a box full of yard sale junk. She can afford to buy at least 1 nice thing (brand new) for DD. I don't know how to deal with it.
I am not trying to be a snub, but when I was growing up, I was used to having just 1 thing given to me at one time, but it was brand new, good quality, and lasted me forever.


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## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

She's your MIL so put it on your husband.

He can be honest with her and tell her, "Listen, it's not you, Mom; it's honeybun. She has issues with pre-used things because they harbor germs, dirt, mold, etc and it's too big of an issue for her to just ignore it. So if you want to buy dd a gift she can keep, please don't get something used since we'll just donate those things anyway."

Then every time after that when dd opens something used, have her put the item in a "special place" and immediately go and wash her hands. That'll get old to your MIL real quick.









Then again, she could just make a game of it with you.

(DISCLAIMER - I'm responding to you as though you truly _are_ germaphobic as you say you are. If you're just picky for nice things and don't want pre-used for whatever other reasons, my answer would be different.)


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## 2lilsweetfoxes (Apr 11, 2005)

I'm going to play devil's advocate. Does she think that it is better to see the little one open a pile of presents and that one present would be disappointing and she can't afford to buy the pile of presents new? (In that case she could have just cut down and maybe not buy a "big, expensive" present.) She could be a yard-sale junkie (I was before I met DH, then he refused to let me bring "pre-owned" stuff into the house unless I personally knew the former owner or was one person removed.) and sees stuff that she thinks your child would love.

ETA: She could be snubbing you if she bought your stepson and niece something nice and brand new. Did she prefer your husband's first wife? Was his divorce and remarriage to you/your pregnancy close enough that she feels he left previous wife for you--that you broke up his family--or she harbored the belief/hope that they'd get back together even if it had been years? And the niece--her daughter's child, right?


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## GreenGranolaMama (Jul 15, 2009)

My MIL buys DS things from Goodwill, and while I am ok with Goodwill things, I am VERY picky about what I get from Goodwill and always wash everything first... I also draw the line at toys, and don't let her give DS anything he would put in his mouth... so when she gave him a nasty Whinny the Poo (ugg and I HATE character things) to chew on, I almost died. For real. I had DH talk to her about how we feel.

ETA: My Mom is a severe germaphobe, so when I get something from Goodwill for Ds or myself, I usually have to lie about its origin.


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## Twocoolboys (Mar 10, 2006)

I've got 3 boys - the oldest is 10, the youngest is almost 2. Having had a 2 year old a couple of times already, I bought most of my little guy's presents at garage sales. Two year old's don't care where their presents come from. It's a great way to save money, better for the environment since there isn't all the packaging to deal with and, when he is not interested for more than a day in the new toys, I don't care much because I haven't invested much. Buying from garage sales doesn't mean that things are junk, unless, of course, your mil is not selective at all. It's definitely possible to get junk, but it's also possible to get some very nice things.

I also got a pair of L.L. Bean snowshoes for my 10 year old that were used once from Craig's List. They are awesome and he doesn't have a clue they are second hand. Even if he did, he wouldn't care.

But, I fully admit that I spent way more on my two older kids than I did on the little guy. The two older ones ask for specific things. The two year old doesn't. I think if I were focused on the money aspect of it, they would be too.

I think maybe your mil deserves the benefit of the doubt. Now, if the pattern repeats year after year and she continues to spend more on the other kids, then, maybe I would feel annoyed. But, maybe it's just that older kids and teens are harder to buy for, want and need specific things and she was trying to accomodate that.

I always feel a bit bad when my relatives spend a lot of money on new toys for the kids that never get played with (Leapfrog things for instance). This has happened lots, especially when the kids are small. It seems wasteful in so many ways.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Until I had a child, I didn't realize that it's fairly normal for a lot of people not to go all out for the very little ones because "they don't know the difference" -which is true, they don't. So there could be that. Also, it's a lot harder to find something for a 16 year old at a yard sale where as pretty good quality toys for two year olds are common (they outgrow them so fast and some kids get so many, they're hardly used).

Now, I'll totally admit I am not one for yard sales and Goodwill. I don't mean to be a snob and I know people find great deals, but I am a little freaky about germs, y'know? Logically, I know it doesn't make sense but I didn't grow up with a mom who was thrifty like that so I just am not quite there yet.

Another thing to consider - do these other grandkids have parents who don't buy as much for them as you do for your child? This is something I have noticed in my own family. My brother and SIL don't have as much to spend on their daughter as we do on ours (because we're nearly ten years older) so my mom tends to spend more on their daughter. I get it. Mine has plenty and my mom is trying to even things out. She also gets to spend more time with my daughter whereas my niece spends so much time with her other grandmother. I think my mom is trying to win her over a bit. And I get that, too. She and my daughter have a great realtionship and my kid has plenty of stuff. Is your MIL trying to even things out with the other grandkids in some way?

I agree with everyone else that this is something your husband should take up with her. I would leave out the bit about comparing what the other kids got because even though I totally get what you mean, it will make you sound petty - as if you sat around mentally adding up the cost while people were opening gifts. Have him concentrate on the part about a. either having too many things and not having enough space or b. the two of you being worried about germ exposure.


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## Hatteras Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

If the stuff your dd got is in good working order and not missing pieces/falling apart then I think you're over-reacting. Clean it if you're worried about germs. Why would you want someone to spend $125 on things if they could get the same things at the thrift store- as long as all the pieces are there and in working condition? Reduce, reuse, recycle and all that. Maybe she spent more for the older kids b/c they are more likely to notice than a small child and she's saving that for when your child is older. Maybe she bought for your kid at the thrift shop b/c at age 2, she isn't likely to care, but at age 16 she may be. I've given my kids and my nieces and nephews toys from the thrift shop. Luckily, none of my family are entitled germophobes, so it's worked out well.


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

We didn't buy a birthday present for our dd on her 2nd or 3rd birthdays because she was over the moon with a party and a cake with candles.

Has the credit crunch not hit your family or friends yet? 2 year olds have little idea about presents and as a pp said, 16yo kids are harder to buy cheap for - I have a 16yo and a 3yo so I can see that issue clearly.

I'd accept her gifts and wash them if that freaks you out but accept them with good grace.


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

I'll be honest - it seems you are overreacting and also it's insulting to say that used things are good enough for other people but not for you.









This is a board where we work on being natural, and that also means not wasteful (like PP said - reduce, reuse and recycle...). Most toys can be cleaned either in the washing machine or with some type of cleaner.

Also, it is a lot harder to find decent used things for teenagers than it is for little kids. A 2 year old is going to outgrow the stuff right away.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hatteras Gal* 
If the stuff your dd got is in good working order and not missing pieces/falling apart then I think you're over-reacting. Clean it if you're worried about germs. Why would you want someone to spend $125 on things if they could get the same things at the thrift store- as long as all the pieces are there and in working condition? Reduce, reuse, recycle and all that. Maybe she spent more for the older kids b/c they are more likely to notice than a small child and she's saving that for when your child is older. Maybe she bought for your kid at the thrift shop b/c at age 2, she isn't likely to care, but at age 16 she may be. I've given my kids and my nieces and nephews toys from the thrift shop. Luckily, none of my family are entitled germophobes, so it's worked out well.

Yeah, that.


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## mags (May 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karina5* 
I'll be honest - it seems you are overreacting and also it's insulting to say that used things are good enough for other people but not for you.









This is a board where we work on being natural, and that also means not wasteful (like PP said - reduce, reuse and recycle...). Most toys can be cleaned either in the washing machine or with some type of cleaner.

Also, it is a lot harder to find decent used things for teenagers than it is for little kids. A 2 year old is going to outgrow the stuff right away.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Another one chimiing in, I hope gently, that perhaps since you've not been there yet you don't realize how many times the $$ goes up for teens and older kids just because they're harder to buy for (unless you're lucky and they're bookworms!). Even the clothes are expensive.

I'd ask your husband what DSS got when he was two. I wouldn't assume she was dropping $100+ on him. And why do you keep count anyway? For all you know, she could have picked up that stuff on ebay, craigslist, black friday, ect. So if you KNOW she's a goodwill shopper and bargain biddie (include me in those ranks, at least for my own self/family) then why do you assume she didn't for the other kids?

Are you sure you're not making this into a DSS vs. your kid competition a little bit? Are you afraid that your child is not accepted? If so, you should ask first. You can even have DH (or you IF you two have a good relationship you can talk to MIL) suggest that you'd be happier with a $ limit for now rather than a bunch of different things. I actually would NOT disclose any OCD or genuine phobias to family members who you're not close to. It seems to me that that's only a way that could be used to marginalize you or backfire, unless they are genuinely compassionate folks.

So I dunno. This problem could be all your perception. Or it might not be. I do think that your reaction as stated says that there's something more going on than just keeping score of $$ amounts. (Or if there isn't, then stop doing that, really. It's only going to make you and everyone else around you miserable in the long run, and can be a hard habit to break. I've watched my mom struggle with that for years, and it can really ruin everyone's holiday.







) But I agree, let DH handle it. Or ask him what the history is. DON'T let him blame YOU for asking for a change if that's what needs to happen -- let him pitch the $ limit and ask for ONE thing rather than a ton.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karina5* 
I'll be honest - it seems you are overreacting and also it's insulting to say that used things are good enough for other people but not for you.









This is a board where we work on being natural, and that also means not wasteful (like PP said - reduce, reuse and recycle...). Most toys can be cleaned either in the washing machine or with some type of cleaner.

Also, it is a lot harder to find decent used things for teenagers than it is for little kids. A 2 year old is going to outgrow the stuff right away.

I was coming here to say much the same thing. At 2, the OP's daughter may still be losing or destroying toys. Why not get good used stuff?


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## Mylie (Mar 15, 2004)

I have sole custody of my little granddaughter...We don't have much but I refuse to put holey,smelly and stained up clothes on her..Her bio-mom's family doesn't care about that kind of stuff..They give me bags of broken nasty toys and stained,ripped nasty clothes several times a year and it usually all goes in the dumpster.They don't buy this stuff for her they get it from the free charities.They think I am a snob because I told them I wouldn't send L to daycare in clothes like that.On her birthday in September they got her some used board books(just fine) and some older child readers..The stack of readers were all the same book and there was probably 10 of them..The board books were a series of bambi and thumper..She also got a backyardigans flannel book for babies..Also just fine..Problem was when we left we accidentlly left 2 of the board books,the backyardigan book and one of the older child readers..Guess what she got for Christmas? They rewrapped those books and that is what she got for Christmas..

Now I am used to their strangness.But I even found this tacky.









OP...My little girls family also gifts used things...I also think it is fine as long as it in decent good condition...If it is not and your child is being given junk while the others are given new items I would have your husband take care of it since it is his family doing it..Good luck...These kind of Brewhaahaas are frequent for me as my idea of decent school clothes are different from her bio-mom and families..And I buy most of my childs clothing at Walmart.So I am not picky about children's clothes at all.

GL


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## Mulvah (Aug 12, 2008)

With the information shared, I think this seems to be more of a preference issue than a germ issue. Regardless, I would recommend you not say anything to your MIL (nor do I think you should have your SO/DH/DW say something to your MIL), and I suggest you donate any unwanted toys.

I, personally, do not see this as your MIL's issue.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mylie* 
I have sole custody of my little granddaughter...We don't have much but I refuse to put holey,smelly and stained up clothes on her..Her bio-mom's family doesn't care about that kind of stuff..They give me bags of broken nasty toys and stained,ripped nasty clothes several times a year and it usually all goes in the dumpster.They don't buy this stuff for her they get it from the free charities.They think I am a snob because I told them I wouldn't send L to daycare in clothes like that.On her birthday in September they got her some used board books(just fine) and some older child readers..The stack of readers were all the same book and there was probably 10 of them..The board books were a series of bambi and thumper..She also got a backyardigans flannel book for babies..Also just fine..Problem was when we left we accidentlly left 2 of the board books,the backyardigan book and one of the older child readers..Guess what she got for Christmas? They rewrapped those books and that is what she got for Christmas..

Now I am used to their strangness.But I even found this tacky.









OP...My little girls family also gifts used things...I also think it is fine as long as it in decent good condition...If it is not and your child is being given junk while the others are given new items I would have your husband take care of it since it is his family doing it..Good luck...These kind of Brewhaahaas are frequent for me as my idea of decent school clothes are different from her bio-mom and families..And I buy most of my childs clothing at Walmart.So I am not picky about children's clothes at all.

GL

She didn't say smelly, holey, wrecked, or broken. She ONLY said "used".

To the OP, BTW......warehouses where toys are stored before they are sold.....have RATS. So new toys are just as nasty and germy as used toys. They should ALL be cleaned before played with.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

maybe she figures that a 2 yr old is more likely to grow out of stuff faster. The older the child the easier it is to buy new stuff that they use for longer period of time.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Gifts are GIFTS. And, I'm with a bunch of others- there is a difference between really, truly "unwanted" and "nasty" items and others that were gently used and ended up in second hand shops.

If you don't like them, say "Thank you" then give them to Goodwill.

As for the germs, soap and water, bleach, or a trip through the dishwasher will do it to clean them.


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## MommyKelly (Jun 6, 2009)

I am curious to why you think that new things wouldnt have grems on them?
People do make them, package them, handle them in some way.

And new clothes are sewn, handled , tried on, etc. That is what washing is for.


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## Barefoot~Baker (Dec 25, 2008)

I do think that the reason is probably because older children are much harder to please when it comes to gift-giving. Like a PP said, if it continues in years to come, then it could be a personal issue.

I think you should either let it go, or speak to your dh about it.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I am having a hard time seeing how you can be so mad. (and I don't even care for goodwill.). But these were gifts. Gifts are not something, in my opinon, to be picky or ungrateful about. She could have gave your DD nohing at all - and I'm going to guess your DD enjoyed opening them. Now, if something is truly nasty or dangerous, you as a parent can either clean it or get rid of it... But no way is it fair to make comments to your MIL - besides to say thanks.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybun* 
I am ranting and advice seeking!
So my MIL keeps giving my 2 year old daughter a whole bunch of stuff that she bought in Good Will or yard sales as presents. She wraps these things up and gives them. While I understand that for a lot of people it's acceptable, it is not for me (I am a biggest jermaphobe and am used to nice things). I expressed my opinion about it to her. Well, she stopped giving her used clothes, but she still gives DD toys (as gifts) that she bought for $2 at the yard sale. What hurts my feelings the most is that for Christmas she gave my stepson (16 year old) and my niece $125 worth of presents (brand new with gift receipts). And my daughter got a box full of yard sale junk. She can afford to buy at least 1 nice thing (brand new) for DD. I don't know how to deal with it.
I am not trying to be a snub, but when I was growing up, I was used to having just 1 thing given to me at one time, but it was brand new, good quality, and lasted me forever.

I typed a few different responses but nothing that expressed my feelings for this post (or the others like it) can be said on mdc. I will say that if you can't accept a gift graciously then you shouldn't be accepting gifts at all- not that the gift was for you. It is a given that as your family grows they will not all be like your family of origin and to expect them to do things the same way as you were raised is ridiculous. You don't get to decide what people give you or your children and your post makes you seem ungrateful and poorly mannered. BTW- it is a lot more expensive to shop for older kids and this year we bought my baby nothing and spent the money on the older kids because they care and he doesn't. This will change over the years but our spending for him will not catch up with the older kids for a long long long time.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I think you are being incredibly ungrateful. You don't like what the she bought, so what! Say thank you and donate it back to the Goodwill. There really is no way to nicely say, "MIL the presents you bought dd weren't good enough for me."

Your comments about used items are offensive to those of us who have to or choose to buy our kids clothing and such from the thrift store, garage sale or goodwill. As others stated, this MDC, a community that prides itself on reducing our impact on the earth.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karina5* 
I'll be honest - it seems you are overreacting and also *it's insulting to say that used things are good enough for other people but not for you.*









This is a board where we work on being natural, and that also means not wasteful (like PP said - reduce, reuse and recycle...). Most toys can be cleaned either in the washing machine or with some type of cleaner.

Also, it is a lot harder to find decent used things for teenagers than it is for little kids. A 2 year old is going to outgrow the stuff right away.

I agree

The bolded part hits close for us. My girls got 2 toys and 2 outfits each for Christmas this year and they were from all from good will. Not everyone can aford to go and spend $50+ a single toy for a child who 1) wont notice, 2) wont care, and 3) will outgrow rather quickly.

Even before DH lost his job we rarely bought new. Its a waist of money. Especially for clothing. I can get a weeks worth of clothing on what it would cost for 1 new outfit at babygap for example.

As long as its in good working order and cleaned there is nothing wrong with it.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
I am having a hard time seeing how you can be so mad. (and I don't even care for goodwill.). But these were gifts. Gifts are not something, in my opinon, to be picky or ungrateful about. She could have gave your DD nohing at all - and I'm going to guess your DD enjoyed opening them. Now, if something is truly nasty or dangerous, you as a parent can either clean it or get rid of it... But no way is it fair to make comments to your MIL - besides to say thanks.











Their are a lot of less fortunate families that would have loved to buy gifts for their children but can't afford them, you could donate the gifts to a family in need.


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## Mrs. Bratton (Jan 27, 2008)

The only issue here worth being concerned about is the favoritism and that may not even be the case. When I was growing up my grandmother apparently was always buying things for my cousin and taking her shopping, etc. She gave us very similar things for xmas but throughout the year she would buy things for her and not me very frequently. This bothered my mom but come-to-find-out she did this b/c my cousin's parents were struggling financially and my dad always did well. My overly sensitive mother was not privy to this crucial bit of info b/c they, like most, did not want to broadcast their struggles to everyone. To be quite honest I never EVER noticed this "favoritism". I only know about it b/c my mom STILL talks about it. That may not be the case here but just wanted to throw that out there. You might ask that (when your DD is old enough to care) she give them relatively equal gifts in "public" and if she has any extra expensive gifts or an excessive amount of gifts for a certain grandchild she give the rest in private to spare your DD's feelings.

I dont believe everything should have to be equal among grandchildren. Some kids just develop a special relationship with a certain grandparent that others dont. As long as the favoritism isnt obvious to the other child then I think thats perfectly acceptable.

As for your distaste for used items I, personally, think it will do you much good in the long run to just get over it. I only understand that when it comes to plush things that cannot be washed like stuffed animals. Toys- spray 'em with lysol or wipe them down w/ bleach/water. Clothes- wash on hot with a tad bit of bleach in the water. Always buying new is wasteful, bad for the environment, and economically stupid even if you can afford it. We buy plenty of new things for ourselves and out child but we find great things used. We can afford to never buy a used item if we wanted but we arent that stupid. We are resale/craigslist fanatics. My mother owns a designer resale store. She sells $300 jeans new with tags for 1/3 of the retail cost. I know a lot of people arent into labels at all but it would be insane for those to be thrown away just b/c someone owned them.

Its just a gift. Its extra. Its something you wouldnt have owned otherwise. No one HAS to like it. You just say thanks then keep it or donate it. My MIL is a garage sale fanatic and makes weekly trips to my house to give me things she picked up for DD. Most of it is great and I can put it to use. Anything i dont like or have room for I consign or donate. She knows that and is perfectly okay with it. Somethings I even give back (if I dont have room or have something the same/similar) and she keeps at her house so she will have extra toys/clothes there.

If you truly refuse to own and make use of anything that has already been touched by human hands just smile, say thanks, and donate it (preferably not to the goodwill she shops at.) At least that way you are still recycling it.


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## BrittneyMarie (Nov 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
There really is no way to nicely say, "MIL the presents you bought dd weren't good enough for me."











If your daughter is too young to notice and doesn't care if what she plays with, why would you want someone to spend an outrageous amount of money on her? You may be used to "nice", "new" things, but your daughter would probably rather open quite a few gently used things than one really expensive thing.


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## GreenGranolaMama (Jul 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karina5* 
I'll be honest -
This is a board where we work on being natural, and that also means not wasteful (like PP said - reduce, reuse and recycle...). Most toys can be cleaned either in the washing machine or with some type of cleaner.


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## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

I think PPs are being too harsh on the OP. I understand being a germaphobe and there are some things that just can't be cleaned very well (stuffed animals come to mind). It's not like the OP wants her MIL to spend lots of money or anything, OP herself says that she was used to getting just ONE gift. So what, she prefers one nice gift--how many times have people on this board said that they would prefer family members buy their children one nice wooden/handmade/not MIC/what-have-you-toys over several pieces of plastic junk that just breaks? Without knowing (and assigning our personal value judgments) on what was actually given, who are we to say that MIL didn't give a "box of junk" as the OP stated? Anyone who reads the RRR subforum knows there are people out there with relatives who buy all manner of junk at yard sales and foist it upon other people

To the OP, I do think that being "very mad" is an overreaction, but I don't think the sentiment is necessarily wrong. Assuming that your DH agrees with you, I would have him speak to her, since it is her mother. Especially if you think it's really because of favoritism. It's not required that she treat all her grandchildren the same, but if she continues to do so, it's within your rights to remove your child from situations where any unequal treatment is glaringly obvious and hurtful to the child (would only apply at a later age, of course).


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

Ok, you're going to think i suck, but my thought on this is that the 2 year old has a shorter attention span, so more things for that age could be more appropriate ya know.. and it's fun to watch how excited little ones get opening presents. With the older kids, their tastes may be more expensive, and are also harder to buy for.

I love the thrift store, yard sales, and craigslist







and imo, you can get much nicer things that way.. instead of buying a bunch of plastic hooey that breaks the first day. At least you know the things that your 2 year old got are durable lol

My mom is the same way you are, she even shruggs at the flea market.. She's starting to see that used "things" arent' all bad, slowly. I bet by the time your 2 yr old starts asking for specific items, she will get them.

If you are really a germaphobe though, I would bring this up, and tell her it's a medical issue; and just having things in your home that are used creates for ex: anxiety issues, panic attacks etc.


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## verde (Feb 11, 2007)

Another voice agreeing that you are overreacting. I go to thrift stores all the time and get lots of beautiful stuff that looks brand new. Many of DD's toys, books and clothes come from thrift stores -- I launder and wash as appropriate. IMHO it is silly to spend a lot of money on small children for toys and clothes -- they simply cannot appreciate the amount of money spent. It's also a green, earth-friendly act to recycle and reuse clothes and toys. I've also given many people gifts that I bought at the thrift store and see no problem with that at all. I think you can get many "nice things" from the thrift stores.


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
Your comments about used items are offensive to those of us who have to or choose to buy our kids clothing and such from the thrift store, garage sale or goodwill. As others stated, this MDC, a community that prides itself on reducing our impact on the earth.

We have no choice but to buy clothes at the thrift store, and I feel pretty lucky that we can even do that at this time. Hell, EVERY OUTFIT that my dd has, is used.. but I'm taking advantage that she is young, and doesnt' care!! I feel pretty blessed that during one of the worst "financial" periods we have had, my dd isn't old enough to really notice, although her clothes, and ours, are always bought at thrift. I'm not about to spend over 25 bucks on a pair of jeans, not when I can get the same, or similar pair..gently used, for a few bucks.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

I love to shop at thrift stores, and every great find means so much more to me than if I were to have bought it new.

But I *never* give resale finds as gifts (other than to my own kid). I think its tacky, because not everyone is OK with second hand stuff and it is not my place to "educate" them. In fact my family has a serious stigma to used things, and I was strongly looked down upon as a child because most of my clothing came second hand. You just have to accept that some are not OK with it.

ETA: Also I think that many of you are taking this too personally, which is totally understandable to close to the holidays in such a hard year







.


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## verde (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:

ETA: Also I think that many of you are taking this too personally, which is totally understandable to close to the holidays in such a hard year
It was the OP who stated she was "very mad" because she was "used to nice things." That sounds a bit scornful so, yeah, some people might take umbrage at those statements.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kailey's mom* 
We have no choice but to buy clothes at the thrift store, and I feel pretty lucky that we can even do that at this time. Hell, EVERY OUTFIT that my dd has, is used.. but I'm taking advantage that she is young, and doesnt' care!! I feel pretty blessed that during one of the worst "financial" periods we have had, my dd isn't old enough to really notice, although her clothes, and ours, are always bought at thrift. I'm not about to spend over 25 bucks on a pair of jeans, not when I can get the same, or similar pair..gently used, for a few bucks.

we do not have a choice either but i don't mind. I think it is fun to find good things cheap!


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)




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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
we do not have a choice either but i don't mind. I think it is fun to find good things cheap!

I know, I was really disapointed that I could only find one pair of jeans in our entire town that fit DS and were used. I was ticked at having to pay full price for something that he'll outgrow so quickly...and he's almost 10 years old. He still doesn't care. 90% of the Thomas trains he got growing up were used...he was thrilled that i could get him a giant tub of trains and tracks with my money, instead of buying them new and only getting him 2-3 pieces at a time.


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## Mama2Bug (Feb 18, 2005)

I think the problem comes in when people who are "used to nice things" appear to believe that "used to" means "entitled to." As though those who have less should be grateful for what they have (or be resentful of others) but those who have more somehow deserve their situations and should never have to "settle" for anything different.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Every single gift our DDs have received from my MIL are gifts we don't approve of and would never buy for them. That said, we actually PREFER preloved items as we believe it's less wasteful...she loves automated speaking (LOUD) toys. We accept the gifts gracefully and move on. Having said that, I think I"m going to go check out the GRATITUDE thread!


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Are the gifts usable? In decent shape? Then I wouldn't complain. If they are unusable or in terrible shape, then I think what your MIL is doing is tacky. If they're unusable, then it's up to your dh to gently point that out to your MIL. Your job is to come here to vent, smile and say thank you. And throw out the unusable stuff.

Most of dd's Christmas presents this year were used - and she's 5. I got a couple of great deals on used Playmobil on Craigslist. I bought a few used books at the bookstore. For me, it's not about $ (though that plays a role). It's about reusing other, perfectly good things.

I buy used clothes. I put our kids in hand-me-downs, and hand down other clothes my kids can't use. I am picky. I do think it's tacky to give stained, ripped or otherwise unusable clothing. But a little wash wear? Doesn't bother me or my kids. Someday (when they're older) it will.

So used doesn't bother me. Unusable would.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)




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## April Dawn (Oct 31, 2009)

I think a lot of people posting here are being quick to judge. Yes, you can get nice secondhand stuff. But there's also a lot of yucky secondhand junk out there, and that may be what the OP's MIL bought! In which case, my only advice is to say in her hearing that you would prefer that your child have fewer clothes/toys, but good quality. If she hears it several times, maybe it will sink in!


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Maybe the OP could clarify what kind of "stuff" her DD was given. That would allow the thread posters to make a better judgement call. IMO.

As for buying used, we LOVE garage sales, thrift stores, and all sorts of used places. All my children got something "used" this Christmas. Most of them also got something new. However, my 17 month old ONLY got a used gift. And it was only "one" gift (although it had LOTS of pieces) while all my older children got several gifts each.

I can totally understand why someone would only get a few things or even cheap things for the "babies". That is what we do. Older children are just different to gift for.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Maybe it was garbage, but it sounded like the problem was simply that it was used and didn't cost $125, and that she's used to "nice things" so while used is fine for other people, it isn't appropriate for her. I agree that used things are generally tacky as Christmas gifts, but a child that age doesn't know the difference so I don't think it's such a big deal. Also, I wonder how much of our issue wtih thinking used things are tacky is a result of marketing rather than reality.

If it had been worded without the huge sense of entitlement, it would have gone over better. "My dss and niece get new things, and they're older so they recognize the value more, but it still hurts my feelings to see them given nice new things and my dd given used toys, regardless of her age. It makes me feel like my MIL doesn't value her the way she values her other grandchildren." I would have felt much more empathy to that, and if she's going to talk to her MIL, that would be a better way to say what she wants to say.


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## nashvillemidwife (Dec 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybun* 
I am not trying to be a snub

Trying or not, you are, and you're teaching your children to be the same. This is what we call a "first world problem". You are very fortunate if your child receiving used toys is the biggest problem you have to complain about on the internet.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

What is the problem with the used items, other than the fact they are used? We love second-hand, but I will say I do prefer quality second-hand goods. It is a real bummer getting something 1/2 broken that fully breaks in 2 days and the child melts down. Or something totally age inappropriate purchased because it was a good deal at a yardsale that I have to find space to store (usually I will just donate it).

I really do love second-hand goods, however they shouldn't be worn out.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nashvillemidwife* 
Trying or not, you are, and you're teaching your children to be the same. This is what we call a "first world problem". You are very fortunate if your child receiving used toys is the biggest problem you have to complain about on the internet.

I think that's a little harsh. I agree the OP comes off this way, but I am wondering if she was gifted dirty or broken items?


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## hildare (Jul 6, 2009)

i'm just wondering what kind of germs people think can linger on toys, etc. after a certain period of time and/or with washing? even the flu virus can't live on a surface longer than a 48 hour period.
bedbugs/lice are a different story, but that would be stuffed animals and those can be washed.
i just hate to see people turn down things that were used for those reasons. most things can be cleaned well enough to kill any germs that would be present... there's so many things that could not get tossed in landfills when we reuse them. i try not to buy anything new if i can help it...
not trying to offend, i'm just sayin'...


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## Hatteras Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
I think that's a little harsh. I agree the OP comes off this way, but I am wondering if she was gifted dirty or broken items?

We can only go on what the OP said, and being that she hasn't come back to update and she didn't say "these were falling apart, dirty, broken pieces of crap" I think it would be safe to assume her main problem is not enough $ was spent to make it even between grandkids, and she's "used to nice things."


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Well, I wouldn't assume that they're not junk. I have to open every package my mom sends at the garbage and recycling can because she can't ever get rid of anything so she dumps it on me (and then screams or whines at me when she asks what I did with it and I tell her. I think maybe she just needs me to throw things out so she can be pissed and pouty at someone even though she knows that really she doesn't need to hang on to disposable cocktail napkins from the 1970s or leftover halloween candy from the 80s, ect.). Having lived with someone who keeps crap like that, I can imagine someone giving a box of uncleaned banged up toys and stuff like that.

Though, if that was what happened, I would think that would be front and center of the post, not the $$ amount. Which is why I kind of leaned towards it being more of a "you better spend on my kid what you spent on the others" sort of thing. But for all any of us know, maybe she DID get a box of toys with pieces missing or really yucky looking.

To me, a box of stuff, new, from the dollar store vs. a box of stuff used but clean and complete from the thrift store isn't much different, if anything it's tipped in the thrift store box's favor.

But that is *me*. If the OP would prefer something new, even if it comes from the dollar store and even if that's less "stuff" for the DD to unwrap, then I don't see the harm in having DH pitch that idea (but without making fun or blaming his wife).

As for the true germaphobe thing: look, it's an irrational fear. If you're looking for a rational explanation, you're going to be disappointed. My dad has a mildish form of OCD, which involves germ phobia. He has an iron will, so he can actually deal with coming to my house (where he has no control over the environment and it's fully carpeted, which is totally gross for folks who NEED to have things truly santized) for up to a week now. I am astonished and very proud of him. At home, he gets down on his hands and knees every day and handwashes every single foot of hardwood floor in their mansion-sized home. The countertops everywhere must be cleaned with specific products in specific order. There are whole rooms which may not be entered because they have been cleaned, if anyone goes in there he needs to clean them again from top to bottom to make them right. If anyone sneezes or coughs, he will be able to control himself from vaccuuming and then sanitizing until they leave (this was not always the case). If one opens a bottle of soda, you have to do it on the back of the counter so that invisible soda bubbles will not fly through the air and land on the floor possibly contaminating it. I don't know how he manages to keep his hands from being chafed and raw, other than although he washes his hands frequently, he doesn't get stuck in a loop of doing it until they bleed. He often refuses to go to hospitals even when he is very ill (he gave himself stitches, spent 3 days in agonizing pain with an acute gall bladder attack, spent 2 days with a blown out ball and socket in his shoulder, and later gave himself a hernia for which he refused treatment for months, until it required major surgery to repair) because he is terrified of the germ circus that is a doctor's office and hospital. (aside from the extreme avoidance, he's not wrong about the latter!)

In short, dealing with a true phobia of germs is a horrible, HORRIBLE thing to witness if you love someone. Sometimes I just can't deal with seeing him suffer how he did before he got some kind of treatment. It's an incredible burden. It's not rational, but it's not something to tease someone about. I don't have real phobias, so I have no idea what it's like from the inside, but as a kiddo who grew up with a parent who struggled with that, man...it's horrible seeing someone you love suffer that way, especially when it's not treated and is so strong they endanger themselves and/or it compels them to do really strange things and freak out when they can't.

So to be honest, I tend to get a little pissy when people throw that around like it's not serious too. But it's not just a "get over it" thing either.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyKelly* 
I am curious to why you think that new things wouldnt have grems on them?
People do make them, package them, handle them in some way.

And new clothes are sewn, handled , tried on, etc. That is what washing is for.

I agree.









I'm the one that makes sure my children get what they really want for Cmas and B-days. I'm their mom and just know what's best to get them. If my in-laws or others want to get them something they don't want or I don't agree with then I either give it away to Goodwill at some point, pass it on to someone else or trash it eventually. No biggie. I just hate for them to waste money (of any amount) getting my children something they will not use.


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## mama2toomany (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hatteras Gal* 
If the stuff your dd got is in good working order and not missing pieces/falling apart then I think you're over-reacting. Clean it if you're worried about germs. Why would you want someone to spend $125 on things if they could get the same things at the thrift store- as long as all the pieces are there and in working condition? Reduce, reuse, recycle and all that. Maybe she spent more for the older kids b/c they are more likely to notice than a small child and she's saving that for when your child is older. Maybe she bought for your kid at the thrift shop b/c at age 2, she isn't likely to care, but at age 16 she may be. I've given my kids and my nieces and nephews toys from the thrift shop. Luckily, none of my family are entitled germophobes, so it's worked out well.

Yep my thoughts exactly!


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## Lula's Mom (Oct 29, 2003)

A couple of people mentioned stuffed animals, and I just wanted to say that, unless there's a motor or build-a-bear voicebox inside that can't be removed, they can absolutely be washed! You can run them right through the washer and dryer. I do it whenever my daughter's stuffies get a little dingy.









I looooove thrift items! But we have some fantastic thrift stores here, and I get clothes and toys you'd never guess were preowned for just a dollar or two. My children's whole wardrobe, and most of mine, came from thrift stores. I can't see turning up my nose at something in good condition just because it's not new.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Man oh man some of y'all are being just plain nasty. Classism is just as much about hating on those who have/expect more than you. It is perfectly ok to buy stuff second hand but not ok to judge those who choose not to.

Besides there is a big difference between buying thrift for YOUR kids and buying thrift for someone else's. Nobody has yet to give an example of the latter except the OP.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

For those who are saying that maybe the OP got broken, dirty things, I'd like to point out this part of the OP:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybun* 
While *I understand that for a lot of people it's acceptable*, it is not for me (I am a biggest jermaphobe and am used to nice things).

I really, really doubt that the OP believes that broken, dirty toys and clothes are acceptable for "a lot of people". Combine with this:

Quote:

I am not trying to be a snub, but when I was growing up, I was used to having just 1 thing given to me at one time, but it was brand new, good quality, and lasted me forever.
I see nothing to suggest that the OP's MIL is buying broken, dirty junk.

I also agree with those who say that there may not be any favouritism in the way the two kids (cousins?) are treated. I usually spend _way_ more on ds1 than on the other kids (not this year). I spend very, very little on my babies. Actually, every one of my children has received the same thing on their first Christmas - a coin set. They also get a stuffed animal from Santa (this is a charity bear from the liquor store - every one purchased means another one is donated to a child in need), and a teether and rattle in their stocking. That's it. I spent more on _one_ of ds1's gifts (even this year) than I did on everything for dd2 combined.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Man oh man some of y'all are being just plain nasty. Classism is just as much about hating on those who have/expect more than you. It is perfectly ok to buy stuff second hand but not ok to judge those who choose not to.

Besides there is a big difference between buying thrift for YOUR kids and buying thrift for someone else's. Nobody has yet to give an example of the latter except the OP.

Ok, here's an example. I got a sterilite box of thrift store baby clothes from my mom as a Yule gift for the baby. They are in great shape and obviously very carefully selected. I'm thrilled with them. Our playgroup does a gift exchange.....with ONLY used toys. Every year our kids outgrow some of their toys, why not gift them to a child that will play with them?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Man oh man some of y'all are being just plain nasty. Classism is just as much about hating on those who have/expect more than you.

How is it classist to dislike snobbery?

Quote:

It is perfectly ok to buy stuff second hand but not ok to judge those who choose not to.
Who is judging those who choose not to? I don't buy thrift store or garage sale stuff. I _hate_ shopping and the things I don't like about it are worse in thrift stores than in regular stores. I don't enjoy doing the yard/garage sale thing. So, I don't buy anything from either of those places (have done it a couple of times, from sheer financial necessity, but I really, really hated it). I'd look pretty stupid judging those who choose not to buy second-hand, since I don't buy second-hand myself. It's not the OP's choice to buy new that's bugging people.


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Man oh man some of y'all are being just plain nasty. Classism is just as much about hating on those who have/expect more than you. It is perfectly ok to buy stuff second hand but not ok to judge those who choose not to.

Besides there is a big difference between buying thrift for YOUR kids and buying thrift for someone else's. Nobody has yet to give an example of the latter except the OP.

That's easy for me to do. DD got 2 dresses, one from fil's girlfriend. Both used. dd recieved princess jammies from santa (he also likes the thrift store







) blocks from mommy and daddy (used!)


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## Apple Girl (Nov 2, 2007)

OP, I used to be very much of the same mind as you.

My MIL LOVES garage sales. Won't miss a single day of them. Stopped at a garage sale on the way to the hospital when she was in labor with DH. Currently has terminal cancer, and despite exhaustion, etc., still goes to her Saturday morning sales to find "treasures".

DH grew up getting a lot of used/recycled gifts. I, on the other hand, did not. Sure, as the youngest, my clothes were all hand-me-downs, but most of my toys were new, exciting things like Legos.

So, when DS was really young, I hated all the used garage sale stuff. Was gifted a used pack and play for him, and turned around and donated it back to Goodwill before he was even born. (Nevermind that we ended up cosleeping, so he also never slept in the new PNP I later bought, but I digress.) I think I really offended her once when she brought home a big box of garage sale plastics and I took out the bleach and scrubbed them all with bleach-water for half an hour before letting DS touch them.

Ok, so that was then. But I've calmed down a lot, and I'm writing all this hoping that I'll be able to help you.

See, I'm not a true germaphobe, as in, it's probably not bad enough to be considered a disorder... but I do get really grossed out by the concept of other people's latent bacteria and such. And, I have severe, debilitating dust and mold allergies, so I have a pretty bad physical reaction to items with dust and mold all soaked in them, which many garage sale items seem to have. (Part of the reason the old PNP had to go was that as soon as I opened it, my eyes watered and I got all itchy...)

But, with MIL having cancer, a lot has been put into perspective for me. I no longer care about a lot of little stuff. So what if she gives the boys a few older, cruddy toys, you know? The kids are young, they don't care. I do still clean them (so I don't get a reaction from them), let them play with them for awhile, and then when we're all sick of them, we re-donate. Once I allowed myself to let go of some of these items - I mean, just because something comes in the door, doesn't mean it has to stay forever - once I let go of that, I was a lot freer to enjoy the sentiment behind the gifts, which is that she loves DS1 & 2, and just wants to see the look of joy on their faces when they get their "new to them" stuff. Then when the glow wears off, and the toy is forgotten, I pass it to someone else who will enjoy it. No harm, no foul. One or two of these items have become favorites, and you know what - the fact that my boys love them so much makes me love them. I don't even see their ugly plastic-ness, or their worn-off stickers, so much as I see my boys having a great time and (yes!) telling stories and playing imaginatively with these items.

Life is very, very short to get offended by the fact that someone won't spend their money on you the way you want them to. I'm an adult - if I want my kids to have certain toys, I will buy them for them. MIL is also an adult. She knows now that I have allergies and refrains from purchasing items that can't be thoroughly cleaned. I let her do her thing, and I don't feel bad about doing mine. It involved me letting go of a lot of my expectations, though, and not trying to micromanage her relationship with my boys.

Sorry for the novel.

Good luck.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
Well, I wouldn't assume that they're not junk. I have to open every package my mom sends at the garbage and recycling can because she can't ever get rid of anything so she dumps it on me (and then screams or whines at me when she asks what I did with it and I tell her. I think maybe she just needs me to throw things out so she can be pissed and pouty at someone even though she knows that really she doesn't need to hang on to disposable cocktail napkins from the 1970s or leftover halloween candy from the 80s, ect.). Having lived with someone who keeps crap like that, I can imagine someone giving a box of uncleaned banged up toys and stuff like that.

Though, if that was what happened, I would think that would be front and center of the post, not the $$ amount. Which is why I kind of leaned towards it being more of a "you better spend on my kid what you spent on the others" sort of thing. But for all any of us know, maybe she DID get a box of toys with pieces missing or really yucky looking.

To me, a box of stuff, new, from the dollar store vs. a box of stuff used but clean and complete from the thrift store isn't much different, if anything it's tipped in the thrift store box's favor.

But that is *me*. If the OP would prefer something new, even if it comes from the dollar store and even if that's less "stuff" for the DD to unwrap, then I don't see the harm in having DH pitch that idea (but without making fun or blaming his wife).

As for the true germaphobe thing: look, it's an irrational fear. If you're looking for a rational explanation, you're going to be disappointed. My dad has a mildish form of OCD, which involves germ phobia. He has an iron will, so he can actually deal with coming to my house (where he has no control over the environment and it's fully carpeted, which is totally gross for folks who NEED to have things truly santized) for up to a week now. I am astonished and very proud of him. At home, he gets down on his hands and knees every day and handwashes every single foot of hardwood floor in their mansion-sized home. The countertops everywhere must be cleaned with specific products in specific order. There are whole rooms which may not be entered because they have been cleaned, if anyone goes in there he needs to clean them again from top to bottom to make them right. If anyone sneezes or coughs, he will be able to control himself from vaccuuming and then sanitizing until they leave (this was not always the case). If one opens a bottle of soda, you have to do it on the back of the counter so that invisible soda bubbles will not fly through the air and land on the floor possibly contaminating it. I don't know how he manages to keep his hands from being chafed and raw, other than although he washes his hands frequently, he doesn't get stuck in a loop of doing it until they bleed. He often refuses to go to hospitals even when he is very ill (he gave himself stitches, spent 3 days in agonizing pain with an acute gall bladder attack, spent 2 days with a blown out ball and socket in his shoulder, and later gave himself a hernia for which he refused treatment for months, until it required major surgery to repair) because he is terrified of the germ circus that is a doctor's office and hospital. (aside from the extreme avoidance, he's not wrong about the latter!)

In short, dealing with a true phobia of germs is a horrible, HORRIBLE thing to witness if you love someone. Sometimes I just can't deal with seeing him suffer how he did before he got some kind of treatment. It's an incredible burden. It's not rational, but it's not something to tease someone about. I don't have real phobias, so I have no idea what it's like from the inside, but as a kiddo who grew up with a parent who struggled with that, man...it's horrible seeing someone you love suffer that way, especially when it's not treated and is so strong they endanger themselves and/or it compels them to do really strange things and freak out when they can't.

So to be honest, I tend to get a little pissy when people throw that around like it's not serious too. But it's not just a "get over it" thing either.

Ok, I have to ask. Are your parents still married? Because if so, that sounds like a difficult match.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Yes, they're still married. And yes, it's always been a horrible match in many respects. Until I left they used me as the triangulator to vent their rage at each other. I don't know how they work things out these days, but...somehow they do. In other respects though, what could glom together better that total control freak and total passive-aggressive codependent?

They're of a generation and upbringing where you Do. Not. Get. Divorced. Ever.

And they have a huge-ass house (as I've mentioned, I'm not exaggerating that it's a mansion) and now that my grandma died my mom has probably the equivalent of a double-wide trailer of boxes full of crap and mementos that are boxed up from 20 years of moves and storage in half of the finished basment. It's unbelievable. But, dad doesn't have to see it or deal with it (it's behind closed doors). I'm really not looking forward to having to go through all that someday.


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## Kailey's mom (Apr 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
Yes, they're still married. And yes, it's always been a horrible match in many respects. Until I left they used me as the triangulator to vent their rage at each other. I don't know how they work things out these days, but...somehow they do. In other respects though, what could glom together better that total control freak and total passive-aggressive codependent?

They're of a generation and upbringing where you Do. Not. Get. Divorced. Ever.

And they have a huge-ass house (as I've mentioned, I'm not exaggerating that it's a mansion) and now that my grandma died my mom has probably the equivalent of a double-wide trailer of boxes full of crap and mementos that are boxed up from 20 years of moves and storage in half of the finished basment. It's unbelievable. But, dad doesn't have to see it or deal with it (it's behind closed doors). I'm really not looking forward to having to go through all that someday.

that is so sweet that despite everything, they stick by eachother, I can be such a mushy butt LOL.. but really, it's awesome


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kailey's mom* 
that is so sweet that despite everything, they stick by eachother, I can be such a mushy butt LOL.. but really, it's awesome









I guess you can look at it that way. Their relationship is pretty unhealthy, and having grown up in that environment I'll never be able to see it as awesome. But hell, at least somebody thinks it is!


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## writteninkursive (Feb 22, 2009)

Germs are good for kids; helps build the immune system! And you can always wash them if you think they're gross.
I say let your kid decide if the gifts are "good enough" for her. I'm willing to bet that if you offer your daughter the gifts, she will react with delight. We bought _all_ of our kids' Christmas presents used this year and they love them just as much as new ones! Just because you were raised to only accept new and spotless things doesn't mean your kids should be too! (I had to learn that lesson with brand name foods instead of generics, thanks to my snobby parents).


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kailey's mom* 
that is so sweet that despite everything, they stick by eachother, I can be such a mushy butt LOL.. but really, it's awesome









My grandmother stuck with my grandfather, too. Divorce was something one just didn't do. He died about 12-13 years ago, and she got a new boyfriend ("boyfriend" - I love that - they were in their 80s!). That was the first time I ever saw her happy. I think people divorce too easily much of the time - but I also think that people used to (and some still do) stick it out when they'd be far better off if they didn't.

I have no idea if any of that applies to poster you were talking to - just my first thought when I saw this.


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## Litcrit (Feb 23, 2009)

I haven't read all the posts, but I don't see the big deal. Two year olds' toys don't last them long anyway - they destroy them or lose interest soon, as they grow so fast. It makes sense to get lots of cheap gifts for a toddler that she'll sure to enjoy more than one expensive, unused gift.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
warehouses where toys are stored before they are sold.....have RATS. So new toys are just as nasty and germy as used toys. They should ALL be cleaned before played with.

True. 'New' toys have passed through almost as many hands. Used toys may have actually been cleaned at some point in the process by another caring parent.









But I'm biased. I love used stuff. They have this special aura about them. I especially cherish hand-me-downs from people I like, and have all my life.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

I'd like to know where all these great second-hand toys are coming from b/c I have two Goodwills in my city and quite a few baby/children consignment shops and the Goodwills are awful and the consignment shops are waaaaaaay overpriced!


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## Barefoot~Baker (Dec 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybun* 
While I understand that for a lot of people it's acceptable, it is not for me (I am a biggest jermaphobe and am used to nice things).

I really don't think that the OP meant to offend anyone. She does say that she understands that other people are ok with garage sale gifts, and she didn't sound malicious or judgmental to me at all.

I for one am a huge freecycler. I have gotten tons of clothing for my kids, and toys too. My mother was really freaked out by this at first and insisted that she would buy new whatever I was going to get used. I thought that was very thoughtful of her, but I didn't take her up on it. I don't think that she is a snob either. She likes new things. She doesn't judge me for freecycling, she just has different preferences.

Although we don't truly know what these gifts were, perhaps they weren't very nice. She says that she's used to "nice things" in comparison.


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

See IMO it is opinions such as the OP who make the Toy Mountain toy drive be only new unopened toys....This saddens me. As a child we always chose one of toys (often very cherished) and brought them to the toy drive at Christmas for those who would otherwise have none. I was going to do the same with my son...only to discover that they refuse previously loved toys.

I love garage sales because you can find like new toys that Tyr absolutely loves at a fraction of the price. We bought a Thomas the Train table for $50....rather than $400!!

Also one of my fave stores is Once Upon a Child... I'd say a good 50% of his clothes come from there....some even come with tags (I picked up a vest for him that was priced at $75 and I paid 5 bucks!!)

If you are worried about germs...everything can be washed....I have even tossed the stuffed animals that say surface wash only....


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
Yes, they're still married. And yes, it's always been a horrible match in many respects. Until I left they used me as the triangulator to vent their rage at each other. I don't know how they work things out these days, but...somehow they do. In other respects though, what could glom together better that total control freak and total passive-aggressive codependent?

They're of a generation and upbringing where you Do. Not. Get. Divorced. Ever.

And they have a huge-ass house (as I've mentioned, I'm not exaggerating that it's a mansion) and now that my grandma died my mom has probably the equivalent of a double-wide trailer of boxes full of crap and mementos that are boxed up from 20 years of moves and storage in half of the finished basment. It's unbelievable. But, dad doesn't have to see it or deal with it (it's behind closed doors). I'm really not looking forward to having to go through all that someday.

Yeah, i don't agree with Kailey's Mom. Interesting from my perspective, probably tough for yours. Thanks for sharing. Sorry if I was nosy.


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## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2pinks* 
I'd like to know where all these great second-hand toys are coming from b/c I have two Goodwills in my city and quite a few baby/children consignment shops and the Goodwills are awful and the consignment shops are waaaaaaay overpriced!

That's what I've been thinking!









Our consignment shops here are the same - I ventured into them when the two oldest kids were little and haven't been back since. Most all the kids stuff is gross, and the nicer things cost just a bit less than buying the same thing new. Like buying a used Baby Gap shirt for $7 when I could get a brand new one on sale for $8.

ETA: Plus, I personally find thrift shopping a total waste of my time. It takes far too long to find anything worthwhile - unless I'm shopping without any specifics in mind.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lonegirl* 
See IMO it is opinions such as the OP who make the Toy Mountain toy drive be only new unopened toys....This saddens me. As a child we always chose one of toys (often very cherished) and brought them to the toy drive at Christmas for those who would otherwise have none. I was going to do the same with my son...only to discover that they refuse previously loved toys.

No, to be fair, I think the reason why it's required that the toys be new and unopened is not really because of "atttitudes" like the OPs, but because you would be shocked as to what people think is acceptible to donate just because the people receiving the things are "poor and should be grateful".

Having sorted donations in the past, it is shameful what people donate sometimes. And gross too.

Sometimes a cherished toy is in...less than great shape. Sometimes people don't see that because it's so loved. Also, sometimes it's nice for parents to be able to go in and pick out a brand new toy for their kid, and be able to wrap it and give it, for once not having to sort and sift through thrift stores and freecycle.

I can see why you might think that, but honestly, the problem is 99 percent on the opposite end. At least from what I observed.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
No, to be fair, I think the reason why it's required that the toys be new and unopened is not really because of "atttitudes" like the OPs, but because you would be shocked as to what people think is acceptible to donate just because the people receiving the things are "poor and should be grateful".

Having sorted donations in the past, it is shameful what people donate sometimes. And gross too.

Sometimes a cherished toy is in...less than great shape. Sometimes people don't see that because it's so loved. Also, sometimes it's nice for parents to be able to go in and pick out a brand new toy for their kid, and be able to wrap it and give it, for once not having to sort and sift through thrift stores and freecycle.

I can see why you might think that, but honestly, the problem is 99 percent on the opposite end. At least from what I observed.

That's been my experience, too. It's really sad, but it's also horrifying what people will donate.


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## Pookietooth (Jul 1, 2002)

Two year olds go though toys so fast that it's kind of hard to keep up with them. My MIL gives ds nothing at all, and while I know she's pretty broke, I'd be happy if she'd give him a couple of yard sale finds. But then that's just me, I'm not at all afraid of germs (we can always wash things in the dishwasher before use). Can you ask her to at least wash the items in bleach water or vinegar before giving them?


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 

Mine has plenty and my mom is trying to even things out.

But from what the op has described, things aren't even. Two children are getting plenty of nice expensive gifts and one child is getting cheap crap.

It's not the grandparents place to "even things out". Gifts are supposed to be expressions of love, something we give to others because we care about them and we want to give them a little joy. And it is hurtful when one child gets left out of those expressions of love while the others get a bounty. Grandparents can help out those who may be more "in need" in ways that are not obvious to the rest of the family. I know many grandparents who regularly buy food, diapers, pay medical bills, buy toys and clothes, etc. because otherwise their grandkids would have to do without. All that can be done any time of the year and the help doesn't have to be disguised as gifts.

This situation described my paternal grandparents to a T. As a child I can clearly remember gathering at the grandparents home with my cousins and aunts and uncles and watching with great sadness while my cousins opened gift upon gift and I got one little cheap gift(like a pair of socks or a candy cane) or nothing at all. My grandmother said that she did that because my father could afford to give me nice things while his siblings could not afford to give their kids much, so things needed to be evened out. As an adult I realized, and was okay, with what my grandparents were doing. But as a very young child I did not. What I remember is hurt, sadness, disappointment, and shame, and the feeling that I must have done something horribly wrong to be treated differently from the rest of kids.


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## mamakah (Nov 5, 2008)

she bought the expensive stuff for the older kids because they know the difference. All of my sons stuff is used (clothes, toys, etc) he doesn't know or care. They are all name brand, clean, and beautiful. The best part is that I spent at least 300% less than if I bought them brand new. Things can be washed to remove germs. Last I checked gifts were something that were to come from the heart, not from the newest, greatest, cleanest store.


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## mamakah (Nov 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nashvillemidwife* 
Trying or not, you are, and you're teaching your children to be the same. This is what we call a "first world problem". You are very fortunate if your child receiving used toys is the biggest problem you have to complain about on the internet.


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## Attila the Honey (Mar 15, 2003)

I have pretty much the opposite complaint - MIL bought dd some expensive mall things and won't stop going on about how much it cost her so please take good care of it. For the record, we DO take care of our things and these things she bought aren't really the type of stuff you'd hold on to as an heirloom anyway. In short, she will grow out of them and they will get donated, just like most of the rest of her stuff!

In particular, she keeps going on and on about this dress and how much it cost from "Justice" (?). I shop at Salvation Army and my 6yo loves going on half off day because she can pick out what she wants from looong racks of clothing! She has a mostly "name brand" wardrobe, and the vast majority of it was bought used.

I finally said to MIL, when I couldn't take it anymore, "I really appreciate the dress, it's beautiful, but in the future please don't feel you have to go to the mall and buy an expensive garment because to dd it's really not any more special than a gently used dress from a thrift store that costs $2."


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

OP, I totally am with you on the goodwill stuff. I am a bit of a germaphobe too, and I think that if you can afford to buy new things, as opposed to used, especially toys and clothes, then that's what I prefer. I think that clothes are more acceptable as they are so easily washed, but I have it in my mind that new=clean. I have been in a situation before where all that I could afford to buy were second hand items, but I certainly wouldn't choose it. This all being said, I think that my germaphobia is probably not common, and so if someone were to buy my child things that were second hand, I would probably just accept them, say thank you, wash the sh** out of them, and use whatever I could out of it. It's just better to keep the piece over something like this.


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Polliwog* 
That's been my experience, too. It's really sad, but it's also horrifying what people will donate.

And, I would think it is also because of all the recalls these days. Any organization that distributes toys to needy kids is not going to want to be giving out toys that are potentially harmful.

For those of you who buy toys at thrift stores and yard sales, how do you verify that those items haven't been recalled, particularly if you don't have the orginial packaging?


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## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama1803* 
And, I would think it is also because of all the recalls these days. Any organization that distributes toys to needy kids is not going to want to be giving out toys that are potentially harmful.

For those of you who buy toys at thrift stores and yard sales, how do you verify that those items haven't been recalled, particularly if you don't have the orginial packaging?

Go to recalls.gov and search on the brand; I've never seen a toy without a brand name painted or impressed somewhere on it.

Do you actually keep the original packaging for every toy you buy new?


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama1803* 
And, I would think it is also because of all the recalls these days. Any organization that distributes toys to needy kids is not going to want to be giving out toys that are potentially harmful.

For those of you who buy toys at thrift stores and yard sales, how do you verify that those items haven't been recalled, particularly if you don't have the orginial packaging?

I guess but I don't think so. New toys are recalled every year as well. If you want to avoid recalls, stick to clothes. And even then, you're not safe, depending.

Except for electronic devices (not counting games and such) I buy virtually everything used. I've never had a problem with recalls. I've had to send things back to the Thomas the Train company and a few others, never even had to produce a receipt. It's not hard to keep up with recalls yourself, and every parent of young kiddos SHOULD, IMO. Unless you religiously return every warranty card (I don't, I don't like the mail blitz that follows) you ever get with every single item, you need to be keeping tabs on things yourself anyway.

And if you can't because you don't have internet access or the new fancy TV or you don't listen to the radio much, then you're SOL anyway. So I would imagine that even new donated toys get into the hands of people who keep them post recall because they just don't know about it, or don't have the money for initial postage or a stable address for a repair kit or return to be mailed to them.

The primary concern is just that people often use toy drives as a garbage dump. (and clothing drives, and even food drives on occasion, I've had to throw out a ton of really gross and weird stuff--like home canned produce labeled from 20 years ago, ect--even from food bank volunteering).


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

We have the opposite problem. My parents (who are pretty well off) buy dd INSANELY expensive stuff. She tells me over and over to just treat it like anything else, but it's really hard for me to let dd just roll around in the grass or eat a messy chocolate ice cream when she's wearing a $100 sweater. I can hardly even get my mind around the IDEA of a $100 sweater (or similar) for a toddler. Thinking about the waste of it...that that money could be put to such better uses (college fund, etc.)...it's tough and I've REALLY struggled with keeping my mouth shut. (I have suggested the college fund, on multiple occasions--no dice.) Other than trying to get my mom to rein in the quantity--we live in a teeny little space--we do pretty much leave it alone, though. I know that giving indulgent, expensive gifts is important to HER, and I try not to dictate her gift choices unless she explicitly asks. And then I donate or sell whatever dd outgrows, so that at least the things will get more use.

So were I the OP, I'd just say thank you, give away what you don't like, etc. If you think it's really an issue of favoritism toward the other grandkids, however, then I might bring it up.


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I guess but I don't think so. New toys are recalled every year as well. If you want to avoid recalls, stick to clothes. And even then, you're not safe, depending.

Except for electronic devices (not counting games and such) I buy virtually everything used. I've never had a problem with recalls. I've had to send things back to the Thomas the Train company and a few others, never even had to produce a receipt. It's not hard to keep up with recalls yourself, and every parent of young kiddos SHOULD, IMO. Unless you religiously return every warranty card (I don't, I don't like the mail blitz that follows) you ever get with every single item, you need to be keeping tabs on things yourself anyway.

And if you can't because you don't have internet access or the new fancy TV or you don't listen to the radio much, then you're SOL anyway. So I would imagine that even new donated toys get into the hands of people who keep them post recall because they just don't know about it, or don't have the money for initial postage or a stable address for a repair kit or return to be mailed to them.

The primary concern is just that people often use toy drives as a garbage dump. (and clothing drives, and even food drives on occasion, I've had to throw out a ton of really gross and weird stuff--like home canned produce labeled from 20 years ago, ect--even from food bank volunteering).

I do keep track of recalls and I do keep alot of the original packaging--if not, then I am at least aware of the time frame when things are bought, where they were purchased from, etc.

My point about the recalls though, was that an organization might be liable or at least feel liable for distributing a used toy that had been recalled before it was donated. I know that some people donate junk--it wouldn't be hard to believe that some would get rid of recalled toys by donating them. In a society with lawsuits being so prevelent, I could see a large organization like Toys for Tots not wanting to chance distributing something that had previously been recalled by accepting used toys. When a toy is given away and it is new and unused then the receipents become responsible for injuries from said toy or for keeping up with recall information that may come at a later time.


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## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama1803* 
I do keep track of recalls and I do keep alot of the original packaging--if not, then I am at least aware of the time frame when things are bought, where they were purchased from, etc.

My point about the recalls though, was that an organization might be liable or at least feel liable for distributing a used toy that had been recalled before it was donated. I know that some people donate junk--it wouldn't be hard to believe that some would get rid of recalled toys by donating them. In a society with lawsuits being so prevelent, I could see a large organization like Toys for Tots not wanting to chance distributing something that had previously been recalled by accepting used toys. When a toy is given away and it is new and unused then the receipents become responsible for injuries from said toy or for keeping up with recall information that may come at a later time.

Toys for Tots will take a "new, unused" toy that's been laying unopened in your closet for two years, though.


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## Original Cinnamon (Dec 29, 2009)




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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mylie* 
Problem was when we left we accidentlly left 2 of the board books,the backyardigan book and one of the older child readers..Guess what she got for Christmas? They rewrapped those books and that is what she got for Christmas..

Now I am used to their strangness.But I even found this tacky.










Wrapping up her own books and giving them to her again, as a gift? Yeah, that's pretty bad.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
So to be honest, I tend to get a little pissy when people throw that around like it's not serious too. But it's not just a "get over it" thing either.

I think part of the problem is that people use the word germophobic and they don't really mean that they have a true phobia or OCD.

I can understand not wanting certain used toys. You may never be able to wash them properly. Clothing I'm more used to, because you can launder those and dry them on a rather hot setting. My MIL sends garage sale finds, and I wash them before I let my daughter wear them (usually, just because they smell a little weird), just like I wash new clothes before I let my children wear them. It may not be necessary, they probably won't get sick or anything, but you never know, and it doesn't hurt to wash them.

My niece thinks used clothes are icky and won't buy them for her child. She did accept my children's used clothing, because she knows me. My daughter refuses to wear used clothing anymore. It's a comfort thing, I guess, she just feels a little grossed out. That is a far cry from having a real mental illness related to this, though, and I think that's where most people are.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viola* 
That is a far cry from having a real mental illness related to this, though, and I think that's where most people are.

I totally agree. Though it's still annoying when people call themselves "germaphobes" when really it's not appropriate, or when people are like "Beh, what's the big deal, just wash it."

Though I guess people A and people B just feed each other in a cycle.









I guess it's like any other serious disorder, if you have had your life significantly impacted by it, it gets really annoying really fast to have people toss it around like it's no big deal.

Though I am sure that there are milder forms of it. If the OP truly can't stand to have used things in her house (even if she doesn't need to do a hours long cleaning ritual over them), then she can't stand to have used things in her house, and it's useless to berate her to be logical. I am sure one can be phobic of germs while NOT having OCD (and I'm pretty sure what I grew up with was heapin' helpings of both).

If she can't get over it, then that's fine. I can empathize. But I still wouldn't throw that out as an excuse (because she'll get the zOMG JUST WASH IT or evil rotten scapegoat treatment probably). And I still think she should try to find out and be sympathetic to dollar amounts not being equal not being all about her and her kiddo.

But no way would I have her DH tell others she's a germaphobe. Even as evidenced on teh interwebz that's an open invitation for ridicule and probably scapegoating in the family. People can't/won't understand, they think you're faking it or it's not serious, ect.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Besides there is a big difference between buying thrift for YOUR kids and buying thrift for someone else's. Nobody has yet to give an example of the latter except the OP.

I once posted a big vent about how the in-laws spent money on crap for Lina instead of just giving us their dds' old clothes that they'd promised.


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