# Gender Variant/transgendered children



## ThisLifeTimeMother (Feb 14, 2005)

I've noticed that there seem to be recurring threads about 'atypical' gender behaviour in young children. I wanted to share my families story, but wasn't sure where to put it.
I am the very proud mother of 2 girls. One 9 year old 'bio fem', and a 7 year old mtf (male to female) transgendered or gender variant child.
My youngest girl was never the typical 'boy'. She is highly gifted and has always been well beyond her years in her speech and communication. By the time she was 3 or 4 she was referring to herself as a 'girl-boy'. She only ever role-played girls, and loved wearing her hair up, in scrunchies, lots of beads around her neck etc. She mourned the fact that she didn't own skirts or dresses, then when we gave her some, she was unhappy that we discouraged her from wearing them to preschool. By this time I was starting to have an inkling that I didn't, in fact have a son. But I also thought that maybe he just liked what gets thought of a girl stuff - but that that distinction is arbitrary and sexist. I wrote an article for a uni magazine about 'boys in skirts'. 18 months or so later, my 'son' made the extremely courageous move of telling me that she was, in fact my daughter, and that she'd always known she was a girl. She did this despite the fact that she believed I wouldn't love her any more. As far as she was concerned, there was just no longer any choice involved. She had to be honest about who she really was. I am fortunate that I had sufficient experience with such issues that I was able to be immediately accepting and loving and reassuring for her.
Over the next year or so, she 'transitioned', first at home, and then at preschool. To be honest, it was hard retraining myself to call my daughter 'she'. But her obvious relief at being truly accepted and seen made the effort far easier than it might otherwise have been.
Both my girls are now homeschooled. Life is very ordinary in most ways. My younges has (and probably will always have) issues to deal with every now and then that other girls don't. But they are far less than the issues she would be having if she had not been able to tell me, or if I hadn't embraced her self knowledge for what it is.
There are many such children out there. Largely they remain invisible because their parents protect them as much as possible so that they might have 'normal' lives, like every other kid.
I hope that parents who are uncertain about their child's gender identity, or who's children self identify as having some degree of gender variance can take that first sometimes difficult step of seeking out information and support. While the message boards here can be supportive and encouraging, I think it is helpful in this case to have the support of others who are going through the same issues.
I am happy to be contacted by anyone with sincere questions or comments. I'm not open to debating my actions in parenting my child. I have no doubts and have no time for anyone with an agenda other that that of learning and loving their way through what can be a challenging journey.


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Your daughters are both very lucky to have you as a Mom.


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## CarolynnMarilynn (Jun 3, 2004)

I second that wholeheartedly.


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## Rollermommy (Jul 1, 2002)

I agree too, what an awesome mom!

I do have a question though, and pardon my ignorance, but I'm not sure I understand what "transgendered" or "gender varient" means?
Can you enlighten me?


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## ThisLifeTimeMother (Feb 14, 2005)

Transgendered, to me, refers to individuals who's body is seen as biologically one sex, but their experience of their gender identity is of the 'other' sex. For example, my daughter has what would be considered a 'normal boy's body'. As far as I know there is nothing cromosomally different between her and other children who are physiologically and intrinsically male.
There seems to be certain situations where transgendered (tg) is used and where it's not, though I'm by no means an expert, and I think to some extent it's an individual thing. I use 'transition' (as in she transitioned at 5) to mean the shift from living as perceived by others as male, to being perceived by others as female. Of course, as with gay/lesbian/bi/queer people, that 'coming out' process is ongoing and multi-faceted. But with my daughter there was a definite day of 'from today I want to be seen as the girl I am'. Some transgendered people and others in that field though, seem only to use 'transitioned' as having had sex reasignment surgery. Others don't. At this stage my daughter doesn't know if she wants surgery at any point in her (adult) future or not. Hormones are the upcoming issue for us at the moment.
If one looks to the DSM (whatever no. it's up to - 5?) transgenderism is still listed as a 'disorder' though I've heard it may not be in the next update. At the moment my daughters identity might be refered to as Gender Identity Disorder (GID). I don't believe she has a disorder. I believe she and others like her are a natural part of the expression of human identities and experience. She told me recently that sometimes she feels like a misformed puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit. I tell her that if all of humanity were a jigsaw puzzle it wouldn't be complete without her and others like her. She is a gift to us all.
To emphasise that I don't believe she has a disorder, I use the term 'gender variant'. Her experience of gender is outside that of the vast majority, but by no means is it unique. She is part of the variation of human existence.
Thanks for the positive words and also for asking for information. Gender variance is such a 'hidden' reality that I believe the more people who know even a little bit about it, the better place this world will be for my daughter to grow up in.


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

Last week I participated in the annual Day of Silence protest at my university. This is a protest in which Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Queer, and Transgendered students and their allies take a vow of silence for the day to protest the silence and fear many of us had to face while growing up, and continue to face because of hatred and bigotry against GLBTQ folks.

Thank you SO MUCH for making sure that your daughter will never know that silence, at least within the circle of her own family. Your support and acceptance will give her much needed strength to be who she is in the world.


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

wow, thanks for sharing this. Your daughters are really lucky and you are very courageous.

I'm sending you a pm.


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## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

I don't think you know just how wonderful and accepting you are because it isn't necessarily the norm.

Trust me.

Debra Baker


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Wow, what a great mamma you are. Thank you for sharing so much wonderful information. I hope that if in the future one of my children should come to me with similar feelings I will be able to handle it as well as you have. I will definately remember what you have shared with us.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

What a beautiful story & what a beautiful family......your daughters are blessed and you are blessed by them as well....


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

That is beautiful- you are all so lucky to have each other.


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## homemademomma (Apr 1, 2004)

thank you, mama. you are doing your daughter (and the rest of us) a huge service.


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## Lula's Mom (Oct 29, 2003)

What a beautiful story. The other day I was thinking about something along these lines. My daughter loves to hold hands with one little girl she adores. On Wednesday we had a playdate with my friend's son, and they were holding hands too. My friend and I joked that they made a cute couple, but then more seriously marveled that we don't know yet what the future holds for our kids. They may be straight or gay, and we agreed that either way was fine with us.

But I wondered how exactly to let my daughter _know_ that I would not be upset by any way she identifies herself (even transgendered, but that is clearly not the case with her.) I want her to grow up knowing that I think people are who they are, and I'll accept and love her whoever she is. I guess I think it goes beyond just the usual love and acceptance children know they have from us- after all, I'm sure your daughter knew you loved her, and yet she thought that would all change when she revealed that she was not a boy.

So what can I do or say as she grows up to let her know that I'm fine with whoever she turns out to be, and she can feel comfortable sharing herself with me? Should I just say that, and if so, when? She'll only be 4 in August, and since she has no gender or sexual conflicts at this time, she wouldn't understand me yet.

Or maybe just seeing me casually being accepting of different kinds of people as she's growing up is enough? But I just really want her to KNOW that she can come to me.

Am I making any sense? :LOL


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## sweetest (May 6, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story - it is so touching.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Have you seen the movie _Ma Vie en Rose_? If not, you should. It's my favorite movie.

You rock. Your daughter is so extremely lucky.

Namaste!


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Wow, thanks for sharing your family's story. Sending warm thoughts to you and your daughters...


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## Selissa (Jun 15, 2003)

as a genderqueer person..who never ever was acknowledged or accepted as a child..and instead had all manner of girlie stuff foisted on her constantly...as well as being made to feel..wrong...

i must say thank you! thank you for being such a wonderful and understanding mother...what a wonderful gift you have given your daughter.

i am literally in tears over here...your words are so touching


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Thank you for sharing the story of your family.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*
Have you seen the movie _Ma Vie en Rose_? If not, you should.









That was my same reaction (the movie is "My Life in Pink" in English--- about a young boy who *knows* he is a girl):
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...s=dvd&n=507846


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## JavaFinch (May 26, 2002)

Your child is very lucky to have you as a mother. I know the road ahead may hold challenges for your daughter, but I wish her a life of love, of acceptance, of happiness and security in who she is as a person.


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## jackson's mama (Apr 27, 2003)

What a wonderful story - thank you for sharing it. Your daughter is blessed to have such a loving and open-minded mama







.

I'm curious (if you don't mind me asking)... you mention hormones. Have you been able to find someone in the medical field to work with you? I would think it would be hard to find a pediatrician to prescribe hormones in a situation like your daughter's, but I know there must be a few out there who would be sensitive to her issues. Just wondering if you've got a supportive medical person to help out.


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

*
shared dd's experience...decided not to at this time.


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## lynsage (Jul 13, 2004)

There are a lot of great mamas on MDC, but I believe that you are truly exceptional. What an outstanding mother you are. To put your daughter's interests before what some people might think is a brave act of mama power.

I seriously do not have words. Except just _thank you_ for being here. Thank you for being in the world and doing the right thing for your kid.

and dharmamama, ma vie en rose is my favorite movie too!


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## girlndocs (Mar 12, 2004)

Wow.


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## ThisLifeTimeMother (Feb 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*
Have you seen the movie _Ma Vie en Rose_? If not, you should. It's my favorite movie.

You rock. Your daughter is so extremely lucky.

Namaste!

I agree Dharmamama, Ma Vie en Rose is beautiful. I saw it quite a few years ago. Maybe about a year or so before my daughter declared herself, but during the time where I was watching and waiting and wondering. I certainly saw a lot of my daughter, in the beautiful child in the movie. I watched it with an adult transgendered woman friend of mine, who had transitioned quite late in life. She felt it was like watching her childhood played out before her eyes. Complete with the awful reactions from the people around her.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Also, have you read "She's Not There"

Very interesting written by very funny college prof who went m to f transition after he already had a wife and kids.

Mostly very upbeat and will make you glad your dd transitioned when she did.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44*
Also, have you read "She's Not There"

Very interesting written by very funny college prof who went m to f transition after he already had a wife and kids.

Mostly very upbeat and will make you glad your dd transitioned when she did.

Thanks for the suggestion. Getting it from the library.


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## ThisLifeTimeMother (Feb 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jackson's mama*
I'm curious (if you don't mind me asking)... you mention hormones. Have you been able to find someone in the medical field to work with you? I would think it would be hard to find a pediatrician to prescribe hormones in a situation like your daughter's, but I know there must be a few out there who would be sensitive to her issues. Just wondering if you've got a supportive medical person to help out.

I haven't found anyone to work with us with regard to hormones at the moment. I live in Australia, where there is, to my knowledge, one psychiatrist in the Country who specialises whith children with gender issues. From what I've read of her, she's great. But we haven't seen her yet. We're hoping to make the trip (8 hour drive) some time in the next few months. I'm hoping that she can then advise us on endocrinologists, though I also fear that there won't be one willing to work with us.
It seems from what I've read that with young children, if they can start hormone blockers before puberty, they won't develop the secondary sex characteristics of their biological sex. This, of course, makes life much easier in adulthood. One great thing is that it isn't a permenant change, so there's much less pressure. If they find later in their teens that they aren't so sure, they can stop taking the blockers and the effects are reversible. They will begin a delayed puberty for their biological sex.
We still have a few years to find an endocrinologist for my daughter, and I suppose we will have to look overseas if we don't find one here (I say, shuddering - single homeschooling mum with minimal income....)
A year or so ago there was a very public case here in Australia of a 13 year old boy (FTM) who was a ward of the state, who gained permission through the Family Court to begin hormone treatment to prevent menstruation and further feminisation. The media went wild, and a lot of the response was just so closed minded and ugly. It makes it that much nicer to hear from such open and accepting folk here and in the other cyberspaces I roam.
Jenn


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## HoneymoonBaby (Mar 31, 2004)

Jenn, do you ever wonder if 7 is too young to make such a life-defining decision? I mean, I hear you saying that it's not a decision, but then you go on to say that hormones aren't permanent, and that's a good thing in case your child later on decides he or she is not so sure. So I'm a little unclear on if you think it's a decision or not.

Also, are you going to change your child's name to something more traditionally feminine, since that's the preference being expressed?


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## BumbleBena (Mar 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HoneymoonBaby*

Also, are you going to change your child's name to something more traditionally feminine, since that's the preference being expressed?

I was going to ask that same question.









I'm glad your children have such a supportive mama.


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## ThisLifeTimeMother (Feb 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HoneymoonBaby*
Jenn, do you ever wonder if 7 is too young to make such a life-defining decision? I mean, I hear you saying that it's not a decision, but then you go on to say that hormones aren't permanent, and that's a good thing in case your child later on decides he or she is not so sure. So I'm a little unclear on if you think it's a decision or not.

Also, are you going to change your child's name to something more traditionally feminine, since that's the preference being expressed?

No. I don't think it's a choice at all. I'm a lesbian, and I knew it when I was 6 or so. I think we all know lots about ourselves as young people. It just doesn't always compel us to make ourselves known to others. The attraction of comfort and acceptance is something familiar to children and adults alike. And then there are the issues and the individuals which call for self expression and acknowledgement so clearly that they can not be ignored.

My daughter is one such person, and her issue (in truth our issue - it belongs to us all) is one of those situations in which negating one's experiences is so often felt as negating one's self. Insufferable.

While I'm not placing this opinion on anyone here, I so struggle with the attitude often found in the dominant anglo culture that says that there is some clear and definitive point at which a child becomes a person who can know their own mind and their own experiences. In my experience of parenting, I've never seen such a point emerge. My children have been conscious and expressive beings since birth.

I mentioned the reversability of the hormone treatment actually in an attempt to address others' potential fears about just this issue. No, I don't think 7 is too young to live out one's personal truth. But I know of myself that my life has taken me through many life altering and affirming transitions after which, when I look back at the lense through which I was looking before, I barely recognise it any more. The one gift I value highly in my life is the capacity to change myself and my understanding of everything, as many times as such changes arise, wherever they may take me. I hope both my girls inherit such a gift from my parenting. Or maybe it's the gift they brought to me?

Will my daughter change her name? She doesn't want to change her first name, and where we live it's commonly used as a girls name anyway. Her middle name is a 'male' name. She will change it legally whenever we get around to it. My other daughter doesn't like her middle name either, and will change it also at the same time. But either of my children are welcome to name themselves.

Hope this clears up the mixed message of my previous post.
Jenn


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## Electra375 (Oct 2, 2002)

My only thoughts are she will never experience child birth like her eldest sister, and sexual pleasures are not likely to be the same as in a biologically female body. Nor will he have the opportunity to have biological children or experience the pleasure of his male organ's potential, if he takes on the gender of a female and you do get hormones to suppress male puberty.

Just a forward thinker, I guess... I always think this whether it's a boy turned girl for bad circ job or a child born w an unclear sex and someone makes the decision to make the child a boy or a girl depending on what's there. The area of their future sexual relations and reproduction really gets to me -- maybe b/c these things have brought me great joy in my life.


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

well, but there's no guarantee that the older sister will experience childbirth, either, is there? Nor, unfortunately, any guarantees for any of us of sexual enjoyments of particular kinds or others.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *This LifeTime Mother*
While I'm not placing this opinion on anyone here, I so struggle with the attitude often found in the dominant anglo culture that says that there is some clear and definitive point at which a child becomes a person who can know their own mind and their own experiences. In my experience of parenting, I've never seen such a point emerge. My children have been conscious and expressive beings since birth.

yeah, I really am feeling this strongly with my kid who is only just 2 and a half, she is very much her own person and she very much knows it.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

*


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

You are a great mom. More kids would do well having a parent who is so accepting

Now- For the ignorant part of me and the scientist. Do we (the human race) understand why some people are male or female yet the body isn't? I am just curious on the science of this. I know it is not a "disease" nor is it "bad" and that is NOT what I am implying. I am really curious why this happens to some people...

No offense is meant by this question and I hope it is not interpreted that way


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## prmom (Jun 14, 2004)

I feel compelled to write something. i am not answering any questions. Just wanting to tell you all my experience. My ds who is nearly 4 is constantly telling us that he wants to be a girl. When I ask him why, he says it's b/c I am a "girl" and he loves me. He often wears a burp cloth or play silks as hair and takes on very feminine characteristics. My parents are constantly on my case about this, and while I am not sure how prepared I am to have a transgendered child, I have always adopted the attitude that I want my ds to know that I love him no matter what and he doesn't have to hide anything from me. I hate hearing about children who knew they were gay or transgendered or something else, but hid it from the parents b/c of fear. I don't know if my child is just trying to identify with me, or if he really feels like a girl. He has recently asked me if a dr. could turn him into a girl. Interesting question, and I just try so hard to explore these ideas with him without passing judgement. It is really difficult. So to the op, you are an exceptional mama and I hope I can adopt your attitude if my ds decides to be "different".


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prmom*
I feel compelled to write something. i am not answering any questions. Just wanting to tell you all my experience. My ds who is nearly 4 is constantly telling us that he wants to be a girl. When I ask him why, he says it's b/c I am a "girl" and he loves me. He often wears a burp cloth or play silks as hair and takes on very feminine characteristics. My parents are constantly on my case about this, and while I am not sure how prepared I am to have a transgendered child, I have always adopted the attitude that I want my ds to know that I love him no matter what and he doesn't have to hide anything from me. I hate hearing about children who knew they were gay or transgendered or something else, but hid it from the parents b/c of fear. I don't know if my child is just trying to identify with me, or if he really feels like a girl. He has recently asked me if a dr. could turn him into a girl. Interesting question, and I just try so hard to explore these ideas with him without passing judgement. It is really difficult. So to the op, you are an exceptional mama and I hope I can adopt your attitude if my ds decides to be "different".

I actually have nothing useful to say, just, strength to you and your child, and perhaps the op has good ideas for you. Something about your post strikes me and I just want to say, I hear you, I hope you find a good away to walk your path...


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## ThisLifeTimeMother (Feb 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Foobar*
Now- For the ignorant part of me and the scientist. Do we (the human race) understand why some people are male or female yet the body isn't? I am just curious on the science of this. I know it is not a "disease" nor is it "bad" and that is NOT what I am implying. I am really curious why this happens to some people...

No offense is meant by this question and I hope it is not interpreted that way

I don't think it's an ignorant part, or an offensive question. I'm no expert 'cause I don't tend to read the research that others in my support network bring my attention to, but there seems to be a bit out there at the moment about in-utero brain changes around the hypothalmic region (I think). I'll try to link some articles in the next day or so when I get a bit of time to try to work out how...
Truly I respect and admire anyone who feels interested enough to be even drawn to ask the questions. Thank you for your interest. Maybe someone else here knows more about the 'how'.
Jenn


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## Morag (Jun 19, 2006)

I am mum to Alison (11) James (10) Dugald (7) & Alasdair (6). I am a widow, my husband having been killed 5 years ago.
My problem is with James; when he was two and a half he proclaimed in a loud voice that he was a girl. At the time we lived in Scotland, and he insisted on wearing a kilt like his big sister and playing only with her dolls and barbies. Every time we suggested his (blonde) hair should be cut we got tantrums, so we thought "what the h*ll" he's only wee and lots of wee boys have longish hair. Then he started to "borrow" Alison's dresses and even if they were an inch or so too long, he looked like an adorable little girl. My husband & I thought it was just a phase, but he was constantly telling me that "God had given him the wrong body". A year and a bit later when he went to nursery school there was still no change he insisted on wearing his kilt. With his bobbed hair, he was constantly mistaken for a wee lassie. At nursery school he played only with the girls and adored their dress-up hamper. One day he took off his kilt and replaced it with a pink tutu and refused to take it off when it was time to go home. I promised it would be returned the next day, but it was a Friday and he wore it all weekend, and I was able to get him back into his kilt on the Monday. We bought 'normal' boys' clothes, shorts, dungarees, etc for him, but he hated wearing them. When asked why, he replied they were boys' clothes and as he was a girl he shouldn't wear them. We explained that girls often wear boys' things, pointing to his dungaree-clad elder sister. All he said was that he didn't want people to think he was a boy. It was about this time that Dugald was born, and rather than argue with James we tended to let him have his way.
We had consulted our doctor about Jem and he had referred us to a child psychiatrist who assured us that he would probably grow out of it very soon, but there was an outside possibility that he was Gender Dysphoric-this was the first time I had come across the term.
When I was expecting Alasdair we moved to England. We lived in the country and didn't have any very close neighbours which was a blessing as far as James's behaviour was concerned. Shortly after the move Hamish was killed while abroad on business.
They, thank goodness seemed to be showing the signs of being normal boys. Before his father's death James had decided that he didn't like being called James and chose the name Jemima (after the duck in Beatrix Potter's story), which we shortened to Jem as this is a fairly common shortening of James. I was now the breadwinner, although Hamish had been wise and left us reasonably well provided for.
Soon after settling in England we consulted our new doctor and she sent us to see another child psychiatrist who told us the same thing, but asked us to keep in touch.
The time had come for Jem to go to Primary School, and there was no way (s)he could go as a girl and he couldn't wear a kilt to school in England-it would be asking for trouble. We had tantrums, tantrums and more tantrums as well as pitiful tears. He said he wanted to cut off his penis so he wouldn't have a boy's body any more. In the end he agreed that he would wear boys' clothes to school and he could become Jemima as soon (s)he got home. I compromised by dressing him in clothes that could be worn by either boys of girls, but he preferred if they were in more "girly" colours. His hair was still in a longish bob and several of the other kids couldn't decide what (s)he was as he always gravitated towards the girls and played with them. Alison was at the same school (a year ahead of Jem) and she kept an eye on her/him to make sure (s)he didn't get bullied. Jem soon made friends with another girl (Nicola) and they became best friends; I soon discovered that they were born on the same day and they told me they were probably twins. When Jem told Nicky that (s)he was really a girl trapped in a boy's body, Nicky said that she always felt (s)he was a girl. When Nicky comes to play Jem always wears girl's clothes ((s)he has her own now) and Nicky decided her best friend should be called Jemma.
Now Jem(ma) is 10 and she's getting worried that her voice will break one day and she doesn't want this to happen. She is so obviously a girl in thoughts and behaviour it. She knows all about S.R.Surgery and is determined that that is what she wants eventually. But most of all she wants to live as a girl all time and go to school as a girl. (S)he takes after Hamish in one way in that (s)he is very sporting and plays netball in a mixed team at school (Alison and Nicky are in the team too). The only thing that spoils it for her is that that she's not allowed to wear a netball skirt, although on April 1st she and the other boy in the team both wore girls' netball kit as an April Fool joke on their netball teacher. She thought they looked great and said that they should always wear girls' kit; this was fine for Jem, but the other boy said "No Way" very loudly. That day they were playing against an all-girl team and I don't think their opponents realised there were 2 (well, one, I suppose!) boys playing against them. I had always loved playing netball and carried playing on as an adult; Jem and Alison often came with me to watch me and Jem wanted to play so much.
In a year's time Jem will have to go to secondary school, and I can see there will be problems. Jem wants to live full time as a girl and go to school as a girl. At his present school most of the other kids seem to think of her as if she was a girl. The headmistress knows of her problem and she and the other teachers keep a close eye open in case of bullying or name-calling.
I would like her to have some puberty-blocking drug (HRT?) to delay puberty until (s)he is old enough to know if she really wants to go ahead with it. For the last seven and a half years she has been a girl at home. My mum is fully convinced that Jem should have been a girl and is very supportive. Alison, too is convinced and is very protective of her "brister". The only thing she objects to is Jem borrowing her knickers (panties in the US) without asking!
If we lived in Holland things would be easier as they seem to be much more sensible about things like this.
I discovered this site on Google and found Jenn (ThisTimeLifeMother)'s post rang a number of bells. I would love to know how things are going with your number 2 girl.

Morag


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## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

Wow. That's all I can say. You are an absolutely amazing mom.


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## FrozenMommy (May 25, 2006)

You are wonderful!!!

I didn't have the courage to come out to my mom (as a bisexual female) until I was 26 yrs. old, and even then did so only because I was extremely depressed, already on the phone with her and just couldn't hold it in anymore. She took it *ok* , but admitted to me that she was glad i had not come out earlier because she did not think she would have taken it well at all....I still have not come out to the rest of my family. I guess I don't feel like there's any point since I have been married all this time, and we don't have an open marriage so it's not like I'd be introducing them to my girlfriend anytime soon...









I wish there were a lot more moms like you out there.


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmamama*
Have you seen the movie _Ma Vie en Rose_? If not, you should. It's my favorite movie.

You rock. Your daughter is so extremely lucky.

Namaste!

OMG I thought I was the only person on this side of the planet who has seen this movie!!! I LOVE this movie and it has a great message. Should be required viewing for every parent!!! *going out to rent it again*


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## Morag (Jun 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *minkajane*
Wow. That's all I can say. You are an absolutely amazing mom.









Minkajane, I'm only trying to do my best for Jem so she can grow up to be a happy and fulfilled woman (as far as is possible)









She is perfectly aware that she could never bear a child naturally







: but she says she will adopt. When asked about perhaps being gay by the doctor she replied that she could never have sex with a man







unless she could have it as a female.







And she's looking forward to being a loving auntie to any kids Alison might have.







:







:

The kids are all in bed now; I read to them every night to settle them down and now I am finishing off the chores, or they are finishing off me

Morag















mum to Alison







: Jemima







Dugald







: and Alasdair


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## MichelleW (Aug 22, 2005)

Morag,
I am glad that you felt that you could share your story of Jem, as Jenn did of her dc.
I definately can see it as quite the thing to go through.

My partner turns 30 tomorrow, and is now transitionning (FTM). HE says he was a tom-boy as a child, and no one was surprised that he was a lesbian, and further, the more he thinks about it now, the more he realizes that he was always a boy. HE had 2 older sisters, and never played with their barbies, hair stuff, nor desired to wear their clothes. He had his trucks, sports-cards, GI Joe's, etc. There are other friends (FTMs) who don't do/like 'stereotypical' guy stuff, but know they are men, and not women.

You are not in a an easy position, and Jem is lucky to be as supported as she is -- within the family and at school.
That's all I wanted to say at this point, besides there is a thread on the queer parenting section regarding 'trans' issues. You are welcome to drop by there if you want. We don't bite! ;-)
-Michelle


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## CryPixie83 (Jan 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lula's Mom*
My friend and I joked that they made a cute couple, but then more seriously marveled that we don't know yet what the future holds for our kids. They may be straight or gay, and we agreed that either way was fine with us.

DH and I are always talking about dd's future relationships (as many parents do) but instead of "when dd brings home her first boyfriend" it's "when dd brings home her first girlfriend or boyfriend" and I'm always quick to point out to anyone who assumes that my dd is straight that she may not be... she may bi bisexual or gay and that's just okay and normal too. My MIL thinks I'm crazy for this, but the odds of my dd being straight aren't that high. I'm bi, as is my sister, my mom and even *gasp* my dh (well ok, he prefers women but definately doens't have an aversion to men).

DH and I have never assumed our kids (or any kids for that matter) are straight and we try to teach that everyone is different and what matters most is that a person is comfy in their own skin and the only thing that matters in a romantic relationship is love.


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

Thanks for this thread, and I have so much respect for those who are on this particular parenting journey. There came a time with dd#1 when I knew I would be open to supporting whomever she is, however that might unfold. When I play out various scenarios in my mind and if I see her possibly facing strife, I feel fear though. So I try to stay in the moment and stop projecting, and trust that I will be able to give her whatever support she needs, if indeed she has gender identity issues. We also are careful with our language in our house-we don't assume she will fall in love with a man and don't ever want her to feel marginalized because that's the only equation that was presented in our house.


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## Morag (Jun 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MichelleW*
Morag,
I am glad that you felt that you could share your story of Jem, as Jenn did of her dc.
I definately can see it as quite the thing to go through.

You are not in a an easy position, and Jem is lucky to be as supported as she is -- within the family and at school.
That's all I wanted to say at this point, besides there is a thread on the queer parenting section regarding 'trans' issues. You are welcome to drop by there if you want. We don't bite! ;-)
-Michelle

Hi Michelle,
Thanks for your good wishes. Yes, it is a difficult time particularly as Jem will be starting puberty in a couple of years. The thing she dreads more than anything is that her voice will suddenly break on her, so we are hoping the doctor and the psychiatrist will arrange for her to be seen by an endocrinologist soon. The other thing she says is that she doesn't want to grow up to be a bearded lady!!!.







She's a great kid and full of joie de vivre. We are lucky in that her best friend







Nicky's mum used to be a child psychiatric nurse who had had a lot of experience with transkids. Jemma (as Nicky always calls her) has had a number of sleepovers







at Nicky's house, and they share a bedroom with bunk beds and even have a bath together; Nicky is completely unphased that Jemma has a penis saying "not to worry it will be gone one day". They have a great time doing girly things together, playing with their dolls, doing each other's hair and experimenting with make-up-and they're always wearing each others clothes. Nobody watching them play could believe that they are not two perfectly normal little girls.

Good luck to you and your partner, Michelle, I hope all goes well for him. I've had a quick brouse through the "trans" thread and will post there sometime soon

Thanks again for your support

Morag















mum to Alison







: Jemima







Dugald







: and Alasdair


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## Zyla (Nov 27, 2005)

*


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

So, when does it change from just a little kid who wants to be just like his big sister to something more? My little guy is only 2, and he is a special needs kid, but he loves to wear dresses, night gowns, mary janes, wanted so badly to take ballet last fall (but was only 18 months old so he wasn't old enough) with DD, his favorite colour is purple, he doesn't care in the least about his cars, tools, sports toys family members have so helpfully given us...right now he is in love with strawberry shortcake and dora... DH and I have been telling people who protest (mostly his dad/step mom) that there are only two options here, either he outgrows it and sits on the couch yelling at the tv while watching "the game" with you guys, or he doesn't, and both options are fine with us, and we are his parents. I'm just wondering at what age do we decide this isn't just a phase...


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## Morag (Jun 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zyla*
Morag ~ your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing. I have three children, all --outwardly -- boys. But my middle son, now 7, feels very strongly, deep in his heart, that he is a girl, and tells me that god and the angels made a mistake in giving him a boy's body.

>> he grew his hair long, would only wear girls panties, preferred dresses most days etc. The playacting subsided to a more normal early childhood level. As he's gotten older his feelings have intensified. River looks like a girl. It gives him a thrill to know that he can "pass" as a girl.

Hi Zyla,

<<<he grew his hair long, would only wear girls panties,>>>

I had this problem with Jemma. When we were still living in Scotland it wasn't a problem b/c little boys usually wear girls' gym knickers (panties)-very unglamourous in a very sombre navy blue-under their kilts to keep them decent, so he wore these when he was in "girl mode" at home. The problem came when we moved to england as she wanted to wear girls knickers all the time, even under her "boys" clothes she wore to school. I couldn't let her in case one of the boys discovered she was wearing girls' undies.







Jemma is extremely pretty with long hair in a ponytail and I would defy anyone who didn't know to guess that she was anything other than a gorgeous wee girl.







:

Good luck to you and River; does he have a more girly name yet?

It's great to know there are so many of us

Morag







:








Mum to Alison,







Jemima,







Dugald







: and Alasdair







:


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Wow, this thread is amazing. Thank you mamas for posting your stories here, you are inspiring and your kids are so courageous and strong and lucky to have you. It hurts my heart to think of all the kids out there whose parents would push them away, or try to control them, or silence them, or beat the crap out of them, or worse. Wishing you and your kids strength in your journeys.









ps "Ma vie en rose" is one of my favorite movies too!


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## Zyla (Nov 27, 2005)

*


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## Zyla (Nov 27, 2005)

Oh, and Cinder, sorry I meant to reply to you ...

It may not sound helpful but ... you'll know. As a parent, you will know when it isn't just a phase (or if it is). There isn't a particular age to wait for ... You'll know by how your child behaves, and by what he says.


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## sweetangelbrynlie (Jun 23, 2005)

Your a wonderful mom!!!!


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## sweetangelbrynlie (Jun 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Morag*
I am mum to Alison (11) James (10) Dugald (7) & Alasdair (6). I am a widow, my husband having been killed 5 years ago.
My problem is with James; when he was two and a half he proclaimed in a loud voice that he was a girl. At the time we lived in Scotland, and he insisted on wearing a kilt like his big sister and playing only with her dolls and barbies. Every time we suggested his (blonde) hair should be cut we got tantrums, so we thought "what the h*ll" he's only wee and lots of wee boys have longish hair. Then he started to "borrow" Alison's dresses and even if they were an inch or so too long, he looked like an adorable little girl. My husband & I thought it was just a phase, but he was constantly telling me that "God had given him the wrong body". A year and a bit later when he went to nursery school there was still no change he insisted on wearing his kilt. With his bobbed hair, he was constantly mistaken for a wee lassie. At nursery school he played only with the girls and adored their dress-up hamper. One day he took off his kilt and replaced it with a pink tutu and refused to take it off when it was time to go home. I promised it would be returned the next day, but it was a Friday and he wore it all weekend, and I was able to get him back into his kilt on the Monday. We bought 'normal' boys' clothes, shorts, dungarees, etc for him, but he hated wearing them. When asked why, he replied they were boys' clothes and as he was a girl he shouldn't wear them. We explained that girls often wear boys' things, pointing to his dungaree-clad elder sister. All he said was that he didn't want people to think he was a boy. It was about this time that Dugald was born, and rather than argue with James we tended to let him have his way.
We had consulted our doctor about Jem and he had referred us to a child psychiatrist who assured us that he would probably grow out of it very soon, but there was an outside possibility that he was Gender Dysphoric-this was the first time I had come across the term.
When I was expecting Alasdair we moved to England. We lived in the country and didn't have any very close neighbours which was a blessing as far as James's behaviour was concerned. Shortly after the move Hamish was killed while abroad on business.
They, thank goodness seemed to be showing the signs of being normal boys. Before his father's death James had decided that he didn't like being called James and chose the name Jemima (after the duck in Beatrix Potter's story), which we shortened to Jem as this is a fairly common shortening of James. I was now the breadwinner, although Hamish had been wise and left us reasonably well provided for.
Soon after settling in England we consulted our new doctor and she sent us to see another child psychiatrist who told us the same thing, but asked us to keep in touch.
The time had come for Jem to go to Primary School, and there was no way (s)he could go as a girl and he couldn't wear a kilt to school in England-it would be asking for trouble. We had tantrums, tantrums and more tantrums as well as pitiful tears. He said he wanted to cut off his penis so he wouldn't have a boy's body any more. In the end he agreed that he would wear boys' clothes to school and he could become Jemima as soon (s)he got home. I compromised by dressing him in clothes that could be worn by either boys of girls, but he preferred if they were in more "girly" colours. His hair was still in a longish bob and several of the other kids couldn't decide what (s)he was as he always gravitated towards the girls and played with them. Alison was at the same school (a year ahead of Jem) and she kept an eye on her/him to make sure (s)he didn't get bullied. Jem soon made friends with another girl (Nicola) and they became best friends; I soon discovered that they were born on the same day and they told me they were probably twins. When Jem told Nicky that (s)he was really a girl trapped in a boy's body, Nicky said that she always felt (s)he was a girl. When Nicky comes to play Jem always wears girl's clothes ((s)he has her own now) and Nicky decided her best friend should be called Jemma.
Now Jem(ma) is 10 and she's getting worried that her voice will break one day and she doesn't want this to happen. She is so obviously a girl in thoughts and behaviour it. She knows all about S.R.Surgery and is determined that that is what she wants eventually. But most of all she wants to live as a girl all time and go to school as a girl. (S)he takes after Hamish in one way in that (s)he is very sporting and plays netball in a mixed team at school (Alison and Nicky are in the team too). The only thing that spoils it for her is that that she's not allowed to wear a netball skirt, although on April 1st she and the other boy in the team both wore girls' netball kit as an April Fool joke on their netball teacher. She thought they looked great and said that they should always wear girls' kit; this was fine for Jem, but the other boy said "No Way" very loudly. That day they were playing against an all-girl team and I don't think their opponents realised there were 2 (well, one, I suppose!) boys playing against them. I had always loved playing netball and carried playing on as an adult; Jem and Alison often came with me to watch me and Jem wanted to play so much.
In a year's time Jem will have to go to secondary school, and I can see there will be problems. Jem wants to live full time as a girl and go to school as a girl. At his present school most of the other kids seem to think of her as if she was a girl. The headmistress knows of her problem and she and the other teachers keep a close eye open in case of bullying or name-calling.
I would like her to have some puberty-blocking drug (HRT?) to delay puberty until (s)he is old enough to know if she really wants to go ahead with it. For the last seven and a half years she has been a girl at home. My mum is fully convinced that Jem should have been a girl and is very supportive. Alison, too is convinced and is very protective of her "brister". The only thing she objects to is Jem borrowing her knickers (panties in the US) without asking!
If we lived in Holland things would be easier as they seem to be much more sensible about things like this.
I discovered this site on Google and found Jenn (ThisTimeLifeMother)'s post rang a number of bells. I would love to know how things are going with your number 2 girl.

Morag

I love reading your story. And







to Jem and to you for being so supporting!!!


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## Morag (Jun 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cinder*
So, when does it change from just a little kid who wants to be just like his big sister to something more? My little guy is only 2, and he is a special needs kid, but he loves to wear dresses, night gowns, mary janes, wanted so badly to take ballet last fall (but was only 18 months old so he wasn't old enough) with DD, his favorite colour is purple, he doesn't care in the least about his cars, tools, sports toys family members have so helpfully given us...right now he is in love with strawberry shortcake and dora... DH and I have been telling people who protest (mostly his dad/step mom) that there are only two options here, either he outgrows it and sits on the couch yelling at the tv while watching "the game" with you guys, or he doesn't, and both options are fine with us, and we are his parents. I'm just wondering at what age do we decide this isn't just a phase...

Hi Cinder,









My experience is that I thought it was just a phase until it was obvious that Jemma still was insisting that she was a "girl trapped in a boy's body" at the age of 5. I had already sought professional help, and had been told, glibly, "oh, it's just a phase all wee boys go through."

My advice is not to worry yet-in fact if your little guy does turn out to be transgendered, don't worry even then. Just do aall you can to help your child grow to be a delightful little girl.









What does your DD think about it? I found that Alison somehow sensed that Jemma was different quite early on. Female intuition, I suppose









Morag








mum to Alison (11) Jemima (10) Dugald (7) and Alasdair (6)


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

edited to say-I posed a question that probably doesn't need to stay in print-hopefully the universe will provide the answer soon.


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## Finch (Mar 4, 2005)

Wow. You're saving your daughter a possible lifetime of pain and emotional anguish by being so accepting and loving and by guiding her through this.







Good for you.


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *guerrillamama*
Wow, this thread is amazing. Thank you mamas for posting your stories here, you are inspiring and your kids are so courageous and strong and lucky to have you. It hurts my heart to think of all the kids out there whose parents would push them away, or try to control them, or silence them, or beat the crap out of them, or worse. Wishing you and your kids strength in your journeys.










yeah, that! You all are amazing, as are your kids.


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## Morag (Jun 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Finch*
Wow. You're saving your daughter a possible lifetime of pain and emotional anguish by being so accepting and loving and by guiding her through this.







Good for you.

Thank you, Finch, and all you MDC mums







for all your support and encouragement.
It is only natural that Jemma's "problem" occupies my mind a lot of the time, but I have to make sure that my 3 "normal" kids get a fair crack of the whip as well. Alison is wonderful, so supportive and helpful, and so encouraging to Jemma, treating her just as tho she was a real little girl. The boys, being younger, find it difficult to understand why their elder "brother" wants to be a sister, but they love her just as much as Alison and I do.
I showed Jemma this thread and she was very touched and rushed off to write something on her iBook. She brought it to me and has asked me to post her message to you. (she wanted it in pink-her fave colour- but it didn't show up so well)

_Hi, this is Jemma







and I want to say thank you for all your kind messages. It is so uinfair that I am trapped in a boy's body, and what I want more than anything is to be able to be a girl all the time. I hate having to go to school as a boy, but my best friend Nicky and the girls in my year are very kind and let me be one of them. The boys dont take much notice of me now, but they used to be horrid to me and made me cry







1 or 2 are still mean and call me names but Alison, Nicky and the girls chase them away. Alis is a brill sister and doesn't mind me borrowing her clothes so long as I ask. Mummy's brilliant too and so is Nicky's mum who helps me lots. I love them so much. lots of love from Jemma_














"

She's at school just now, being an unwilling boy until she comes home and can be herself again.

When this term (semester) is over we shall go to Scotland to stay with my mum for our holiday. She has a friend with a house on the west highland coast who is letting us have it for six weeks. It will be wonderful for Jemma because she will be able to be herself all the time and nobody will know that she is not what she appears to be.

Thank you all for your kind good wishes

Morag






















Mum to Alison







Jemima







Dugald







: and Alasdair







:


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## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

Jemima! Lots of loves!

There was a bit on the news this morning about a 5-year-old girl who was born a boy. The school refused to allow her to go to school as a girl, even though she and her parents had known for a long time that she was a girl. Unfortunately, most of the responses were negative "They don't know at that age" and whatnot. There were a few supportive ones.

It's so sad that children are given so little credit. They know who they are and who they're not. Why can't we just accept them at their word? If my DS decides that he wants to be a girl for a week, fine, he can wear dresses and be a girl. If he figures out that he really is a girl, fine, he's a girl. Taylor is my child no matter what gender. Why does it have to be so defined?


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

I just read this thread and am in awe of you amazingly sensitive, tolerant, respectful, attached mamas.

I was noticing in some of the posts about a boy's obsession with girly clothes and hair, the absolute need to wear girly colors, throwing a fit at getting a haircut, etc., and I was wondering if this WERE a girl, would we view this behavior as odd or peculiar? Beause the honest truth is I think most people wouldn't, but I sure would. If my dd were obsessed with wearing pink tutus and cried when I put her in shorts or pants or freaked out if I gave her a haircut because then she wouldn't be a girl anymore... I would be really, really concerned. As though I or "society" (but probably I) were somehow communicating to her that to be loved and valuable in this world, she has to be a Princess Barbie or something, kwim? In fact, that's part of the reason I don't let my kids watch TV or flip through magazines lying around with ads in them, because I don't want my kids thinking they have to act sooooo over the top stereotypically one gender or another. I don't know if I'm making sense.







: But I was trying to think about it from that perspective and it made me wonder what the source of the uber-girly fixation was... obviously the kids are transgendered, but does that make a need to wear makeup and frilly clothes as a young child OK? I was wondering if you can be transgendered AND not a gender stereotype -- e.g., a biological male child who wants to be a girl but wears normal playclothes and climbs trees and gets dirty and all the things we (most of us) hope for our girls. Does this question make sense? Or is there something different about being transgendered where for the child this IS their only way of putting on a new skin.


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## Morag (Jun 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *minkajane*







Jemima! Lots of loves!

There was a bit on the news this morning about a 5-year-old girl who was born a boy. The school refused to allow her to go to school as a girl, even though she and her parents had known for a long time that she was a girl. Unfortunately, most of the responses were negative "They don't know at that age" and whatnot. There were a few supportive ones.

It's so sad that children are given so little credit. They know who they are and who they're not. Why can't we just accept them at their word? If my DS decides that he wants to be a girl for a week, fine, he can wear dresses and be a girl. If he figures out that he really is a girl, fine, he's a girl. Taylor is my child no matter what gender. Why does it have to be so defined?

Hi Mandy,









If this is the little girl in Broward, Florida I think I read about about her on the the web the other day. She has claimed to be a girl ever since she could talk and her parents were hoping to enrol her in the school as a girl. The article I read was dated May 31 06, and I doubt there could be two so close together.

When I showed the article to Jemma, her reaction was "Lucky thing, I wish I could go to school as a girl."

It is so sad when "officialdom" is so hidebound that they fail to take into account the v iews of the person concerned, child or adult. The poor little soul must be devastated by the news. Jemma *knew* she was a girl when she was 2.5 years old, and at least when we were in Scotland she could look and dress in a girlish manner (albeit in a boy's kilt) and go to nursery school do dressed.

Jemma's just come in in her nightie to say goodnight before she goes to bed and she wants to send you a message:








*Hi Auntie Mandy, Thank you for the message. you're really really cool. How sad about the little girl, I wish I could send her my love. I got to go to bed now. Lots and lots of love and kisses, Jemma*























She's determined to have it in pink, Mandy! She's a great fan and posts a lot on the BBC's children's boards (www.bbc.co.uk/bigtoe and click on message board). She is thrilled that one of her threads has had over 200 replies; it's all about whether you prefer skirts or trousers! She loves it because she can be herself.









Well I shall have to go upstairs and read them their story and settle them down. Jemma and Alison share a room now and we have a lovely cuddle while I read to them. They are perfectly able to read for themselves, but the love being read to and it makes bedtime very special. I do the same for the boys. When my mum's staying with us she shares the reading with me.

Morag






















Mum to Alison







Jemima







Dugald







: and Alasdair







:


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## MichelleW (Aug 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle*
I just read this thread and am in awe of you amazingly sensitive, tolerant, respectful, attached mamas.

I was noticing in some of the posts about a boy's obsession with girly clothes and hair, the absolute need to wear girly colors, throwing a fit at getting a haircut, etc., and I was wondering if this WERE a girl, would we view this behavior as odd or peculiar? Beause the honest truth is I think most people wouldn't, but I sure would. If my dd were obsessed with wearing pink tutus and cried when I put her in shorts or pants or freaked out if I gave her a haircut because then she wouldn't be a girl anymore... I would be really, really concerned. As though I or "society" (but probably I) were somehow communicating to her that to be loved and valuable in this world, she has to be a Princess Barbie or something, kwim? In fact, that's part of the reason I don't let my kids watch TV or flip through magazines lying around with ads in them, because I don't want my kids thinking they have to act sooooo over the top stereotypically one gender or another. I don't know if I'm making sense.







: But I was trying to think about it from that perspective and it made me wonder what the source of the uber-girly fixation was... obviously the kids are transgendered, but does that make a need to wear makeup and frilly clothes as a young child OK? I was wondering if you can be transgendered AND not a gender stereotype -- e.g., a biological male child who wants to be a girl but wears normal playclothes and climbs trees and gets dirty and all the things we (most of us) hope for our girls. Does this question make sense? Or is there something different about being transgendered where for the child this IS their only way of putting on a new skin.

Periwinkle, your post made me think about a few things, mostly that I think it becomes more obvious for children born in 'male-bodies' who present as 'over-the-top' female. Not every trans-woman/girl is ultra-feminine, but they are usually more noticeable. (others, happen to be more stealth, and maybe don't recognize it as early as the others who cannot comfortably wear what they'd like to comfortably wear. There are plenty of girls born with girl bodies that think it is a crime that they can't wear pink frilly dresses all the time. While that may not be your preference for a child, I like to beleive children are so diverse, and to some that is more comfortable.)
On the other hand, I am reminded of guys who were born with a 'female body', like my partner. He says he only once wore a dress -- to high school prom -- and would have preferred to wear a tux then. He dressed in 'boy's clothes' as a child and no one thought much of it. (Heck, I mostly wore boy's clothes as a child too.)
I guess this thread speaks to the diversity of gender expression in all its forms. As an anthropology student, I often sit and wonder why dresses and skirts are so-deemed feminine in our society, when kilts, togas, and other varieties of 'dresses' and 'skirts' have been worn by 'men' cross-culturally and throughout time -- especially by warriors, interestingly enough.
Anyways, enough of a segway!
I am so glad this thread exists! I wish Jemma, and all other similar children, lives filled with understanding and love, as has been demonstrated on this thread!


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## Zyla (Nov 27, 2005)

*


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## ThisLifeTimeMother (Feb 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle*
I just read this thread and am in awe of you amazingly sensitive, tolerant, respectful, attached mamas.

I was noticing in some of the posts about a boy's obsession with girly clothes and hair, the absolute need to wear girly colors, throwing a fit at getting a haircut, etc., and I was wondering if this WERE a girl, would we view this behavior as odd or peculiar? Beause the honest truth is I think most people wouldn't, but I sure would. If my dd were obsessed with wearing pink tutus and cried when I put her in shorts or pants or freaked out if I gave her a haircut because then she wouldn't be a girl anymore... I would be really, really concerned. As though I or "society" (but probably I) were somehow communicating to her that to be loved and valuable in this world, she has to be a Princess Barbie or something, kwim? In fact, that's part of the reason I don't let my kids watch TV or flip through magazines lying around with ads in them, because I don't want my kids thinking they have to act sooooo over the top stereotypically one gender or another. I don't know if I'm making sense.







: But I was trying to think about it from that perspective and it made me wonder what the source of the uber-girly fixation was... obviously the kids are transgendered, but does that make a need to wear makeup and frilly clothes as a young child OK? I was wondering if you can be transgendered AND not a gender stereotype -- e.g., a biological male child who wants to be a girl but wears normal playclothes and climbs trees and gets dirty and all the things we (most of us) hope for our girls. Does this question make sense? Or is there something different about being transgendered where for the child this IS their only way of putting on a new skin.

Hi Periwinkle,

My transgender (tg) girl isn't strongly into 'girly' (stereotypical) stuff all that much, and both my girls mostly wear the shorts I make them out of the fabric they choose. They play very physically most of the time. People would see my tg girl as a 'tomboy'. Some girls are more 'feminine' than others, but in any case what is defined as 'feminine' is culturally laden, as is the interpretations and values placed upon things once thus labeled. I tend to think of it as 'some people prefer adornment and have a fine appreciation for beauty and like to apply it to their self expression, others have other things they apprectiate or value and adornment and finery play a smaller role in their personal expression;.' Sometimes my girls dress 'girly', sometimes they don't. They think boys are missing out if they're not allowed to do so also.

But when it comes to gender expression and transgender issues in particular, 'femininity' and 'masculinity' in expression come into focus from many perspectives, and with many agendas. Why gender expression matters and how it's 'done' are complex things.
To put it in context, parents who are dealing with young tg children are faced with huge social and legal pressures around their choice to support their children's perceived 'gender bending' expressions. Children have been and will continue to be taken from loving, supportive families by state authorities who see this support as child abuse. Family members and community members often have a great deal of difficulty understanding the choices of we parents who support our young children's transitions to their true gender expression.

At the same time, all of our children are growing up to some extent (with a lot of variability) with many social influences on how they perceive gendered expression. On top of that there are simple (is anything really simple







: ) matters of personal preference.

Psychiatrists who make assessments of adult tg people with regard to giving them approval for sex reasignment surgery have, in the past and probably somewhat still, placed alot of importance on mtf people needing to be 'feminine' and ftm people needing to be 'masculine' to convince them that they are for real. Most tg people I have encountered have, through need, played the game to get the approval they needed to get their surgery cleared. Hopefully things have or are changed/changing.

My point is, that it's such a vexed issue that you have raised. I hear your support and that you're trying to get your head around it, but maybe there just isn't 'one' answer or explanation or anything simple to be said in response. What is at issue is so complex that the most simple bottom line is hearing, seeing, loving, supporting and acknowledging our kids exactly as they are. Maybe time will tell us more, and maybe not. Life makes some mysteries to keep us humble and willing to learn - in my opinion anyway.

Thanks for your words of support, and for your curiosity and interest.
Jenn


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