# Intro - I lost my baby girl at 39 weeks



## rou16151 (Jun 22, 2006)

Hi,

I'm new here. I found this sight by researching stillbirths on the internet and I am very glad that I did. Reading everyone's stories has brought me comfort in knowing that unfortunetely I am not going through this alone. The stories also bring me hope that others do make it through this and are able to find peace with this tragedy. Here's my story.

We were expecting a little baby girl on May 20th and delivered her stillborn on May 15th. Everything went really good throughout the pregnancy. I did have 6 months of morning (all day) sickness, but thought that was a good sign of a healthy pregnancy. At our last doctor's appointment on May 9th, I was dilated to a 3. The doctor told us to go have lunch, celebrate, and we would probably have our baby before the next appointment. On Mother's day, I was at my mother's house and everyone there told me that I should stop by the hospital to have them check my swollen feet. I wasn't worried about it because they were swollen at the last doctor's appointment and the doctor wasn't concerned. However, my husband and I decided to go ahead and stop by the hospital and use my feet as an excuse, hoping they would check me and keep me. Once we checked in, they asked if I felt movement during the day and I told them not much, but I wasn't worried because I was on the go all day and around a lot of people. They decided to check the heart rate and couldn't find it with the doppler, so they pulled out the sonogram machine. At that moment, our world turned completely upside down. We went from one of the happiest moments in our life to the absolute worst, without any warning. The sonogram machine showed that her heart had stopped beating. We decided to go ahead and have them induce labor. Thankfully, I had a pretty short and easy labor. I kept thinking throughout it that maybe a miracle would happen and she would come out screaming, but no luck. We were able to spend the entire day with her, which I didn't want to do at first, but now am so thankful. We got lots of pictures and got to keep a lot of things from the hospital, like the blankets, her clothes, a lock of hair, etc. It still feels like a nightmare that hasn't ended. It's also messing with my mind a little; I keep thinking did all of this happen or did I just imagine the pregnancy. In a way, I'm thankful that she died before bringing her home because of all of the memories we would have had in our house, but we also feel cheated because we never got to hear her cry or see her eyes. We had a small visitation and buried her on May 20th - her due date (we thought of it as her due date into Heaven). We are trying to find everything positive and comforting as we can out of this, although it's not easy. We had an autopsy and bloodwork tests ran and the results came back as "unknown causes." She was perfect as can be. She looked a lot like her daddy. She was 7lbs, 13.8 oz, 21 in. long and had a lot of light brown hair. She was beautiful. The doctor did tell us that we can try again soon, so we are hopeful to have much better luck next time. We are looking at our little girl our guardian angel and the guardian angel of our future little ones.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Hello Rou....welcome to MDC. How awful for the server to go down right after you posted.
What is more awful is that you had to come here. I am so sorry you lost your baby girl. What is her name??? You have experienced the worst pain in the world. I too know this pain, and while right now it feels like you will not survive, and can not breathe. It does get eaiser.
Again, I am so sorry. Welcome to MDC. You are not alone.


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## Bex80 (Feb 8, 2004)

I'm so sorry to hear about your baby girl.







There are a lot of warm and loving mamas here who have been down the same path as you are on now. I'm so glad that you are here, though I wish you could have found us under happier circumstances, this is a wonderful place. Welcome.







s


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I am so sorry that this tragedy is what brought you here, but please know that this si a very supportive place. I too lost my little girl. She was born still last year at just over 37 weeks. The pain can be unbearable, but after having been without my Grace for over a year, it does get easier - not easy, but easier. Please feel free to express yourself here. We have been through it all - the grief, anger, awful thoughts - everything. Nothing will shock us. You will be in my thoughts.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

rou16151,
i am so sorry. there are many moms here at mdc who have gone through a similiar trauma, and i am so glad you found this website, because there is a lot of support here.
she was a big girl! what is her name? our daughter, coral, was long and lean, my dh calls her his 'little stringbean'. we also had an 'unknown cause' as a reason for her death.
i have spent many many many days and nights wondering why she died. i still do, over a year after losing her, but i find that if i concentrate on the fact that she lived, (292 days) and was loved (i never knew how much i could love someone until i carried her inside of me), that she knew how much her papa and i loved her (i know this deep inside my soul), well, that is the essence of what living is- to be loved, and to love (i feel her love- there is a connection between us, even though she is not physically with me). remembering this helps me somehow live with losing her. it has been hard! do you have any support where you live? any groups or therapists? i found these things really crucial to my coping with her death.

much love to you! you are not alone in your loss. when we first lost coral, i didn't even understand what stillbirth was. now i know that there are women just like me, who are living through this kind of loss, and it is so helpful to feel not so alone in this.


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Just wanted to give you a hug. A long one.


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## mexicomommy (Oct 24, 2005)

I am so sorry that you lost your baby girl! I too know the feeling you are talking about where you wonder if you ever were pregnant and if your baby really did die, I still have that feeling and we lost our baby almost 5 weeks ago. I pray you will find comfort in this time of such grief. Don't hesitate to talk about your baby here, I have found that brings great comfort.
Charlsie


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

I just want to say that my heart is breaking for you. And i hate to say it but i know just how you feel. I too lost my baby girl just three months ago on April 25 due to "most likely umbilical cord accident". That is just a guess though. I dont feel the reason has been found and it doesnt matter anyway-she is gone.

It is extremely recent for you, for me too but for you it pretty much just happened. Please pm me if you ever want to talk about ANYTHING.
In the early days all I did was cry...the world seemed like a black hole, i didnt want to go outside to even check the mail. And i would come here and lurk and see what people had to say...and they are all very wise and have unfortunately been there one way or another.

Be kind to yourself, take the time to grieve, look at her photos, sleep with her blanket-never be ashamed of any feelings or thoughts you may have...


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

rou16151,
I am glad that you found us. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl. We lost our third daughter at 33 weeks in October. The pain was so intense and while I am still grieving and sad I am coping much better and able to find some peace; while it may be unbelievable for you now, I think that time does heal however slowly it may happen. I hope that you are surrounded by love and support and I am so very sorry that this tragedy has happened to you and your husband.







to you both.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad that you got to spend time with your baby girl and keep some of her things. I wish you great peace and healing in this difficult time. As hard as it seems right now things do slowly get easier. It has been two and a half years since my baby girl was stillborn. Somedays it still feels like yesterday, and other days it is much easier. I have since gone on to have a healthy baby boy. He in no way has replaced his sister (though some people seem to think he has), but he is a wonderful blessing in my life. I just want you to know that you are not alone, and while things will get easier, they will never be the way they were before.







s and healing to you.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

, welcome. You were a May mommy, I see. Our Alexis was scheduled to be born on May 15th...and we noticed her not moving on the 10th...I went through the same experience as you...not finding the heartbeat on a doppler...then them bringing in the u/s. I already knew. They kept telling me "Oh, this thing may not be working, we've had problems with it before." yeah right...it was, indeed, the worst day of my life. We are coping with it, though. She was about the same size as your little one! 7lbs 11oz. This is a GREAT forum...I love it. You will get tons of support and gain alot of buds here, also. Don't worry about your baby girl. She is in no pain and playing with all of our little ones as we speak.







May I ask, what did you name her?


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## Twilight (Jun 9, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss... I will be thinking of you and your sweet baby girl.


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## rou16151 (Jun 22, 2006)

I appreciate the responses. You all are very sweet. I wish that I had found this website right after this happened. I felt so alone for the first few weeks. I never thought that this would happen to me and think that I'm still a little in shock and denial. My mom and sister both had four children before they were 24 and a lot of my friends became pregnant during high school. Pregnancies seemed so easy! Even though, I have been feeling mentally better (or at least thinking that I am), my body has been suffering a little bit physically. I had sharp headaches in the back of my head for a couple of weeks, I was seeing bright spots when I would go to bed at night, and then had sharp pains in my stomach. (I think I was having a hard time dealing with the "unknown causes" and trying to come up with a reason for why this happened. I was determined that I had / have some sort of illness.) The stomach pains have been the worst, I kept panicking, thinking that I had some sort of infection and was going to become infertile. It also didn't help that I just recently started my first period. It took 9 1/2 weeks. I never thought that I would be so happy to get it. Now that I have it, I've had dreams about people around me that were pregnant when I was, is pregnant now, or is talking about getting pregnant soon. My husband and I would like to get pregnant again pretty quickly, but we are struggling with the idea of going through everything at the same time as our first pregnancy. We also feel a little guilty for wanting to try again for another baby so soon, knowing that if Jordan would have made it, we would not even be thinking about it now. I know that I will not feel right until I do get pregnant again and get to bring home the baby. Right now, I feel a little like a failure. We have decided to let nature takes it course and see what happens!

momz3 - I can't believe how close similar our stories are. We almost named our little girl Alexis. We were going to call her "Lexi." Someone gave me the book "There are No Tears in Heaven," and I get comfort everytime I think about it. It's about how perfect life is in heaven for children. I would like to think that my little girl, Jordan Marie, and your little Alexis are going to be friends in heaven.

Coralsmom - My husband and I do get comfort that we had her for nine full months. She did bring us a lot of joy like the first positive pregnancy test, the first sonogram, all of the moving around, her hiccups, and all of the time I spent daydreaming / talking about her future and the things we would do together.

iris0110 - Congratulations on your baby boy. I love hearing about subsequent pregancies. They bring me so much hope!!!

Thank you all very much for sharing your stories with me! It helps to know that I have a place to come to whenever I want to talk about Jordan and my feelings!


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Rou, hun please don't feel like a failure. I remember feeling just like you do. I think the worst feeling is a few minutes after we had our ultrasound and had been informed of Alexis' death, my husband and I sat in the hospital bed and cried together...then...from a distance I heard a woman giving birth and her baby cry...as beautiful a sound that is, it felt like a thousand knives stabbing me directly in the heart. Also for a long time I was angry. At everyone. Even myself. You want to blame someone for it. All these feelings you're feeling are NORMAL. We also long to have a baby. At first, I was so hurt, I said "No more kids! I'm getting my tubes tied!!!!" lol..I was speaking out of hurt and anger...after a few days, we realized we wanted to have another baby. So we said next spring...then we moved it up to February, then December, then early fall..now we're just going with the flow and hoping for the best whenever God gives us that blessing. I thought I was prengant this month but AF came today lol. But thats ok...when its my time, I'll be pregnant. We miss our babies so much and they know we miss them. They know that they are 1 in a million and can not ever be replaced by current children or additional babies in the future. I like to think that all of our babies are playing together in Gods garden







Remember your baby will never have anymore pain or suffering, and she is forever in the best hands possible. If you ever need to talk, I have myspace & yahoo mess...and I think msn..not sure lol. Best of luck sweetie...you'll love this forum..the support on mothering.com is unreal.


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## geck_07 (Jun 14, 2006)

Hi Rou....I am so very sorry for your loss. They say that time heals everything, and I think I am starting to beleive it. My baby girl, Ava, died at 37 weeks due to a true knot in May. That day was very similar to what happened to you. I went in for a routine appointment, and the doc couldn't find a heartbeat...so off for an ultrasound, that's when my world came crashing down. Don't think for a moment that you are selfish for wanting another so soon (I actually posted about that a few weeks ago)...because I had the exact same feelings. I am 11 weeks pp now, and still waiting for AF to show so we can start ttc again. I am excited to get pregnant again, yet so afraid that something will go wrong......I am just taking everything a day at a time instead of looking into the future at what could be or should be. Just follow your heart, you will know when you are ready for another baby. If you ever need to talk, you can pm me.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Rou,
I am sorry for the loss of your daughter, Jordan.








You have found a great group of ladies...to help walk through this journey together.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are wanted and needed here. Please come back soon!


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## smeep (May 12, 2006)

Wow, your story just made me cry so much!!!

I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry for your loss!!!!!!!! *hugs* But at least she died in the most loving place - the womb of her loving and wonderful mommy. I hope she comes back to you, be it in Heaven or in another life. All my love to your family!!!!


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## zaccai'smom (Sep 25, 2006)

: Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my first child zaccai a boy just four weeks ago, it was also 1 week exactly before my due date. It was very hard, we took pictures and kept the outfit and hat. WE had a chance to hold him and all our close friends and family came and the chaplain had a small prayer ceremony at the hospital. Then we had a funeral and burial a week later. The casket had to be closed due to fast deterioration. It was so nice having such a large support group. This happened to my mom and cousin before so being around people who really know what your going thru was so nice. Coming home to the empty nursery was very hard also. Im glad I found this website by accident. I didnt know how common this sort of thing was. I nervous because I start work tomorrow and Im scared of facing all the parents who dont know yet, because I am a pediatric nurse.


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## grooveemom (Sep 12, 2006)

Hi Rou & Zaccai'smom

I am so sorry for your losses. My baby boy, Gabriel, was born prem at 30 weeks. He had some complications. He was a fighter though. There were times that we didn't think he'd make it, and times we were planning when to bring him home.
Almost 3 months to the day he was born, we took him off the ventilator and held him as he peacefully died in our arms.

He got an infection that went to his heart. He stood no chance in recovering. Nevermind that he was prem, an infection in the heart is impossible to cure.

He would have been 3 years old in September.

To have lost a child whether it is m/c, stillborn or at 3 months is hard. It's not the natural cycle of life. It shouldn't be. To have to bury your child.... I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I can tell you, 3 years down the track. I survived. I am here to tell my tale. My heart is bruised and battered, and I have experienced pain like never before. So intense, so brutal.But I am here.

It does get easier with time, but I know I will always have an ache in my heart for Gabriel.

My heart goes out to you in your early times of grief. I hope we can all offer you comfort.

Lots of hugs
Tan


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I am so so sorry mama. Hugs!


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