# My motherless young cousin lost her newborn baby... what to say or do?



## Yodergoat (Jun 20, 2006)

I just received the terrible news that my younger cousin, who lives out of state, lost her first baby either during or shortly after birth. I don't know the details.... only that there was a problem with the baby girl's heart. Aside from gestational diabetes, my cousin did not know that there was anything wrong beforehand, and so did not expect this sad outcome at all. Now she must go home without her baby, who was named Jayden. I can only begin to imagine her (and the father's) pain. My cousin also lost her mother just about two years ago, after a lengthy battle with many health problems. My aunt passed when she was only 36, awaiting a new heart which never came. I had been thinking earlier today that little Jayden would be born soon, and how melancholy it would be for my cousin to not have her mother there for the birth and all the years afterward, just as my own husband seems to feel the loss of his own mother more poignantly now that we have a child. But now, my cousin is motherless and has also lost a child, all before her twentieth birthday.









This was the first grandchild in my uncle's family. Everyone had been eagerly anticipating the joy that she would bring to this family after my aunt's death. Just a few days ago my uncle and his other daughter and son came to visit and played with my 6 month old baby, talking about how much they were looking forward to having a little girl in the family. They were simply beaming as they held Gail, and looked so hopeful and expectant that soon they would share in such joy. Now this same sweet family, which has already experienced the consuming grief of a dead mother and wife, must now bury this sweet baby which they had been awaiting with such hopeful hearts.

Recently, in the last week or so, I have been thinking of how I would feel if I Gail died. This was a familiar feeling, because after having three pregnancy losses, I was so frightened that we would lose her as well either before birth or shortly after. But as she has grown, the fear had lessened. Then just several days ago it returned... and it is simply unfathomable. How could I know the depths of such loss unless I have experienced it? I think to myself that at least I would have countless treasured memories of the time I have had with my daughter, to look back on and bring comfort. But my cousin and her family does not have this... they had only 9 months of pregnancy and then tragedy when there should have been the joy of birth. No baby smiles, no milky chin, no first laughs... I don't even know if they were able to hold the baby before she died, or afterward.

I know that so many of you here have suffered this tragic, life-altering loss, and I wonder if you could guide me in what I can do. I know that nothing I do can possibly alleve their pain, but I do not want to say the wrong thing. I have suffered loss in my life, such as the sudden death of my dear mother-in-law at 51 and three unborn babies. Yet I don't know what to say or do, and I can't recall what helped. All I know is that the most painful thing was when other people said nothing, and pretended that it had never happened. Did they say nothing for fear of "reminding" me of the loss? As if I could forget! _Why is awkwardness over death so ingrained in us?_

I'm not sure if I will be able to attend the funeral, since it is out of my state. And if I can attend, I would feel almost guilty for having my own baby daughter there... as if I would be flaunting her life in their faces (although of course that would not be my intention, and it may not even be perceived that way). What should I do in this situation?

Also, I want to send a card and perhaps a memorial given in their baby's name (such as to Sierra's Bears, SHARE, or a similar organization). I know I should look at the sticky topic which heads this forum, but does anyone here have specific suggestions for this? What is appropriate? Should I do it now, or wait for a while (since they will probably be inundated with cards). I would like to send the family some resources for coping with such a loss (like the SHARE newsletter), but I don't know if that is my place.

The family is Christian (as am I), and my worst fear is that this loss will shake their faith. I don't want to contribute to that possibility by misusing Scripture meant to bring comfort, but I think that such verse would bring me peace if I were in the same situation. Yet I don't know my cousin well enough to make assumptions of what she would find comforting. Among those reading who are Christian, did scripture help or wound?

I am so lost, and so very sad. I have always been drawn to the graves of babies, especially to those born still or who lived only a short while. Often, I will stop at a cemetery and seek out such graves, and sometimes lay flowers atop them or pull weeds away from the stone, or set the little statues and other things (like windchimes) to rights if they have fallen over or been covered with grass clippings. It is hard to imagine my own newborn cousin buried in such a tiny grave as those which I cry over on my cemetery walks.









Please help me if you can... with any advice.

Many thanks.

(I also posted this in Grief & Loss, since it seems appropriate.)


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Sometimes all you can do is be a willing ear to hear and a willing shoulder to cry on. Sending a card or flowers (or some other small token more to her likes, like candy or something) with your sympathies might help. I am not sure what else you could do since you have distance between you.








for you and your cousin.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I think a card, maybe some flowers for the funeral now would be nice. Then another card and a phone call in a few weeks or even a month. Just to let her know you are still thinking of her. I would avoid the use of scripture, but I am not Christian. I just found the whole "God's will" thing to be so hurtful. I am sure it is extra hard for her to have lost her mother and daughter so close together, and to not have her mother to lean on now. She needs so much support right now. She is so young, and has so much pain in her life. Just let her know that you are there for her, to listen, and to cry. That is the best thing you can give her.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

One thing I forgot to say. When my daughter had her accident (she did not die, but has been left a veggie), I lost a LOT of "friends". No one knew what to say to us, so they just stopped talking to us.

You can't make their grief go away. But you can't just avoid it either. Be there for them. If the subject is appropriate, talk about it, if not don't. But "walking on egg shells" around them or avoiding them will only hurt them in the end. The idea of calling in a couple of weeks to ask how things are going is good. The people that began avoiding us after my daughter's accident have never "rejoined" our lives. I guess they felt it easier to just stay away.







This is what you should avoid. Being there IS hard. But it is what she needs, family.


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## mommyofannaisaac (Jun 6, 2006)

It hasen't been that long since I lost my son 5 hrs after his delivery because of the doctor's mistake. Make sure that you let your cousin know that you know she had a baby- let her know that she is still a mom. Just because he baby isn't here doesn't make her any less of a mother. If she is a Christian, remind her that he daughter is waiting for her in Heaven. A bible verse that really helped me was Ecc. 11:5 " As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all." We don't know why bad things happen but God does- He made that baby and he didn't make a mistake when he did. Something that helps me is knowing God knows the future. What is my son had lived and was kidnapped and torchered or something. I would rather him be safe in heaven without me than for me to have him for just awhile and have him suffer. I will see him again one day, just as your cousin will see her baby one day. I know how hard it is, I know there are times when you just want to throw up your hands and quit, but If I quit I may not make it to heaven and I would never get to see my son. I hope this helps you.
I wrote a poem if you would like to share it with your cousin. You can look it up in my post- it's called Our little man. Also, a song called "God needed one more star.( my father in-law wrote it for out baby's funeral.)


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Shawna--

I feel so bad for your cousin, and for all of you who hurt for her.

It may be modern times that contribute to our awkwardness with death. Of course, childhood death was more common, far more people were struck in their youth, it was part of life. Now modern medicine makes us believe most things can be fixed. And death is so removed from our everyday lives. I think it would be easier to accept the death of a loved one if things were still done the way they used to--if the family were the ones cleaning the body, dressing it and laying it out, preparing for the funeral. It may seem morbid, but it must have been kind of comforting, that you were truly paying your respect in a physical way, acquainting yourself with the concept that the body is an empty shell and the soul has moved on.

I find scripture to be profoundly comforting. It surprised me, how many passages spoke to me in my grief. Since this is in line with your cousin's beliefs, I think it would be very thoughtful to include verses with particular meaning to you.

Also, pass along the information on SHARE. I would have appreciated someone giving me a path to follow, instead of having to search on my own.

What I would have appreciated more than anything was ongoing support. Your cousin will be surrounded by people for a while, then everyone will go back to their routine and she may not have much support. A card in the mail, an email, a phone call, every couple of weeks or so....include your uncle too, as it is his loss also.

Yes, your baby daughter will remind them of who they lost. But that is life, and she is not some random child, she is family. If you do go to the funeral, I think it would be appropriate that she would be with you. If the family knows about your painful history of loss, seeing you there with your baby may give them hope.

Your heart is so big, that you care so much about helping your cousin. I hope you figure out the right thing to do.

Keri


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

to your cousin and the family.

There has been lots of great advice given, I agree the best thing is to ask about Jayden and use her name. The people that talk about our son and use his name are those that we treasure the most.

and







to you for being so caring and concerned

tara


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