# I was Pro-Choice untill I had an abortion.



## Viv (Jun 7, 2004)

I have to get this off my chest, bear with me. I was very Pro-Choice untill I had an abortion in May this year. I'm happily married, have 2 fantastic chdn, and have never wanted more. I come from a larger family and didn't want to relive my mothers' stressful life, I had assisted too often in bringing up my sibilings so the romance of larger families had worn off for me by the time I was 14-15yrs. The timing of this pregnancy was dreadful for my family & I, and falling pregnant for the 3rd time was a serious accident. I freaked out at the thought of another baby, I love other people's babies, but no more for me please. I carefully considersed and chose abortion with my husbands full support.

The hospital procedue was clean and clinical. Like having my wisdom teeth out. It took a few days to grasp the reality of the situation.

I guess I'm a brave soul, I took the least drugs they would let me and I chose take home and bury the baby. The counciller said that was the healthist thing to do, I did the same with the miscarrage I had 5 years ago and it was so healing for me.

But thats when reality really hit. Ah-oh I'm







now. To see the 'product' of the pregnancy, what was left of our precious baby, alone. How heartbreaking. And later to look into my two dear sons' eyes and to realise what a wonderful little angel I chose to send back. Yes I buried the babe, and wrote a beautiful poem to 'her'. And mourned quietly for days, weeks, with just my husband to share this with. I will plant a beautiful blossom tree for the babe in my new garden soon.

For me the process was difficult. Physically, although clinical, it was like being raped, by choice. So much so that it reminded me of the time 10yr ago when my ex raped me. I had quietly and deliberatly forgotten that and gotten on with my life. Fortunately I've found a great counciller to help me work through that now.

Emotionally I felt pretty down for weeks. Spiritually I felt, and feel still, that it was not an ok thing to do. Like I had opened pandora's box and entered a forbidden world. It's a sad ugly one without innocence. I'm still the same person now, I just carry deeper pain and sadness in my heart. You have to look pretty hard to see it, I have a bright smile, but it's always there. I feel for all those lost babes out there, believe me abortion is cruel.

So if you are pro-choice and have not had an abortion please think seriously about what you say to people about abortions. I'm pro-education re contraception, not pro-choice now. Believe me you don't ever want to have an abortion, especially if, like me you a bit clairvoyant and are more connected to the spiritual world, or whatever you like to call it, than some loving Mamas.

Don't play with fire. I guess I agree with Mother Teresa now, there'll be no peace in the world untill there are no more abortions. Educate your sisters and please don't make my mistake.

Thanks for listening.


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## PurpleBasil (Jan 28, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your very moving story, Viv. It takes great courage (imo) to share such an experience and your resulting opinions. It is so important that these stories are not kept secrets.

May I ask you something? You said that you were concerned about repeating your mom's experience with too many children and the resulting stress. ITA that in large families, very often the siblings end up being the caregivers and that is so unfair and wrong. Awful!

Anyway, how would you have done this differently, given you had two children and didn't want any more? Do you wish you had given the baby to another family? Or ? You said your abortion was a mistake. But it seemed like it wasn't time for another in your family and you'd witnessed the stress of siblings caring for brothers, sisters so what could have been done?

Thank you again for posting here. I was very touched by your experiences.


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## suebearsmom (Jun 26, 2004)

Oh Viv,I hear you.I could say that I thought I was pro-choice until I worked in a clinic that performed abortions.I saw waaay too much and waaay too many hurting women.I will pray for your heart to heal.I think its really important that you keep speaking out with your story.Women arent going to know otherwise.....Big Hugs and you are an awesome woman for being so honest.Catherine


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## Mamm2 (Apr 19, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it helps other women when faced with this type of decision.


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

Thank you for sharing your story. It was very touching. I hear what you are saying and hope that in time you will be able to have more peace with this issue.

Hugs,
Lisa


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## Electra375 (Oct 2, 2002)

Thank you for sharing. My body ached as I read your story.

I hope that you can turn this experience into something great, like assisting at a pregancy care center that councels women about their decisions.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

hi viv,

check out

www.afterabortion.com

it is a non-religious support place for women traumatized by abortion.

About half of all women who undergo an abortion suffer some form of emotional trauma/ PTSD.

God bless, and you will heal.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Viv,

First and foremost I would like to offer my condolences for your loss and your current feelings. I am sorry that you feel this way, and that you are going through this still today.










However, at the risk of coming off as a cruel, evil, judgemental monster, I have to question the appropriateness of your post's "you shouldn't do this, you shouldn't think that, you shouldn't feel this" theme in this forum. I am noticing that you are a relatively new member, so I am taking into acocunt that perhaps you have not seen the "Activism" folder, located in the "Natural Family Living" section here at MDC. Here there are debate threads for abortion, and it's pretty split as far as anti-choice and pro-choice...there are moms there who have had abortions and are still prochoice, and moms who have never been in an unforgiving situation and still fight to make abortion illegal, as well as everyone in between. Here you can share your story in a forum that is meant and designed for you to influence others regarding this issue. Please understand also, that perhaps your own bad experience with your abortion is not everyone else's experience with abortion.
I am sure I may get flamed for this, but....

Please understand that I do not judge you, I do not doubt that you are feeling great pain right now, nor am I trying to silence you. I do not in any way think that you don't have a right to share your story, or that your story isn't worth telling and hearing. But I do think there is a better place for what you are trying to do (convince others).

Again, I am sorry that you are not happy (distraught even) with the choice you made....but whether or not you women should have this choice is not really fitting in this forum, especially when there are others designed for just that.

All my sympathy,
Kelly

PS- If you have not considered counseling, I would suggest doing so. Please look for a certified psychotherapist or psychiatrist, and avoid the crisis pregnancy centers that offer "Post Abortion Counseling" because they tend to start off with a "see we told you so--see, this is why you should NEVER do anything like this ever again" and I think that this is not what you (or anyone else who has issues with their abortion) needs right now. Look for someone who can be completely non judgemental.

May you feel free to grieve your loss, forgive yourself, and come to terms with this whole situation.


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## water (May 15, 2003)

CookieMonsterMommy, you said it better and more sensitively than I could.

Viv, I'm sorry about your loss, it sucks to lose a pregnancy, no matter by what means. I grieved my abortion and my miscarriage the same.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

CMM- thank you. I completely agree. Abortion is a tricky enough topic to broach IRL and on a message board and the last thing we need to do is come here and read an admonishing post from someone, even if it is coming from a place of regret over the loss of your baby. We never know what someone is dealing with until we've walked in their shoes and since we can only literally walk in our own, we really only know what our own particular experience is.

I too, wish you peace on your journey.


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## abbylotus (Dec 29, 2003)

Viv~~Thank you for sharing your very heartfelt story.







I hope you find the peace and stillness you deserve.

CCM~~







Well said.

I am so sorry you are aching. However, no matter what I have to be 100% Pro-Choice in order for me to be able to look my daughter in the eye. I could never support anti-choice for women. I am grateful I had the choice to not continue a pregnancy when I was 21 and in an abusive relationship. If the choice was not mine to make I may not be here today.

Please know I am wishing you well.


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## China white (Mar 29, 2004)

Viv ~ what a heart-felt and touching post. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you find the peace and resolution you're searching for.









Just a question for those who think she should have posted in activism (honestly, just a question, this is not a flame)

I have often lurked in activism, and some of the things I've read there are, well, 'less than gentle', and I wonder if she thought her story might have been turned into a debate (I'm thinking of the t-shirt thread) . It sounds to me as though she is trying to work through her feelings which are still very new and raw, and she sees this experience as a _loss_. Is it that she asked people to re-consider their stand on abortion, or is it because she chose to end the pregnancy that makes it inappropriate for this forum? Honestly, I'm just trying to get a better understanding of what's appropriate.
She may have posted here because she felt 'safe'. I aslo completely understand the wish to avoid opening up a debate in a forum such as this one.

FWIW, CookieMonstersMom, the way you phrased it was very respectful, IMO.


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## Changed (Mar 14, 2004)

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## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *China white*
I have often lurked in activism, and some of the things I've read there are, well, 'less than gentle', and I wonder if she thought her story might have been turned into a debate (I'm thinking of the t-shirt thread) .

I think some folks here might have preferred to hear her story without the addendums in the last paragraphs; that would amke the post more specifically an "I want support/ I want to share my story" post rather than it possibly being construed as an activism post.

Viv, the main thing that has helped heal my loss has been time; I hope that you are soon able to come to a kind of peace as well.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viv*
believe me abortion is cruel.

So if you are pro-choice and have not had an abortion please think seriously about what you say to people about abortions. I'm pro-education re contraception, not pro-choice now. Believe me you don't ever want to have an abortion, especially if, like me you a bit clairvoyant and are more connected to the spiritual world, or whatever you like to call it, than some loving Mamas.

Don't play with fire. I guess I agree with Mother Teresa now, there'll be no peace in the world untill there are no more abortions. Educate your sisters and please don't make my mistake.

Thanks for listening.










CHINA: That is what I was speaking of. I never wanted to take away from her pain or anything like that. Aside from this "advice", the rest of the post was very fitting for this forum. I truly do sympathize with her, and I feel badly for her loss, just as I feel badly for everyone elses, as I do for my own.

I agree that some in the activism forum can get heated to say the least, but for this kind of persuasive writing, "activism" would have been a better home-at least for the last couple of paragraphs.

Also--As far as the Activism threads getting heated-this is another reason for this type of thing not to be posted here-I'd hate for this thread to turn into a debate thread.









Best Wishes,
Kelly


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## loving-my-babies (Apr 2, 2004)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.







's


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## China white (Mar 29, 2004)

srain & CCM , thanks for the explanation, I thought that might be the reason. Sometimes it can be hard to figure out where you fit into this vast community. A debate is just _not_ what the mamas here need, and once again, I'm truly sorry for the losses you've all experienced.

Hugs to all you wonderful mamas


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

For women who are traumatized by undergoing an abortions, they go through a period of grief and mourning just like people who have lost an "out of the womb" loved one.

I do agree that it is important to remember that while about half of all women may suffer some form of PTSD from having an abortion, there is the other half, women who were greatly relieved at being able to end a pregnancy, and who perhaps felt their very lives had been protected by the choice-- for instance, women who are pregnant by violent partners.

Even the Bible recognizes a difference between the status of a life of an embryo, versus the status of the woman. There is a case mentioned where a pregnant woman is inadvertantly injured during a fight between two men. If the woman is killed, the attacker is executed. But if the embryo/ fetus is lost, the attacker is given a monetary fine. The passage is in Exodus 21:21.


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## Changed (Mar 14, 2004)

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## JoAida (Mar 29, 2003)

I just wanted to give you a







, and to say that I'm sorry for your loss.


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## blessed2bamommie (Feb 3, 2003)

Viv,

I'm so sorry you had to go throught this experience. God loves you and your baby who is with Him. I encourage you to seek out a pregnancy care center for your post-abortion healing. My husband and I are supporters of a center in this area, and I assure you they do *not* condemn the women who come for post-abortion recovery. They offer compassion and love as the representatives of Jesus Christ on the earth. These services are also free, unlike professional psychiatric help.

I pray that the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, fills your spirit.


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## Viv (Jun 7, 2004)

Thanks China White, My-Hearts-Light, you can see my view, and to all you other supportive Mamas out there.

CCM







I'm new here and I didn't mean to post this in the wrong place. I'm not an activist out to change people's stance on abortion. I didn't mean to write so pursuasively, sorry, I guess having my emotions in a bit of a turmoil does that. Isn't it ok to be thought provoking here? I thought my view was slightly different from the norm but I didn't think that made me an activist. Over something so personal. If, when time has played it's healing part, I feel like causing a stir don't worry I'll head there CCM. I can't see that coming though.

I'm looking forward to time's healling and enjoying my two ds and dh as much as I can, and trying only to look forward and be positive.

Viv


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## Viv (Jun 7, 2004)

And a big thanks for the link meowee.










Viv


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Just a gentle reminder that this is a "no debate" forum and is support only. If you would like to disagree, it must be in the *most* gentle of tones and content, which you all seem to be abiding by and I appreciate that. We just like leaving reminders in case someone gets excited and forgets themselves.

This is not the place for a morality discussion, that may be done in another forum.

If you have issue with this you may pm Ms Mom or myself but the "no debate" aspect is enforced.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Viv,

you have the right to say anything, feel anything, think anything you wish. I just questioned the appropriateness of the last couple of paragraphs, mainly because of what abi said-this is neither the time nor the place for the debate I was sure would follow that post, and because I think you need support and love right now, above all things.

May you find what you need,
Kelly


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

no, didn't mean to be moralistic. I have no dictate as to the morality of abortion. I do know, from my experience with women traumatized by abortion, that they aften develop a keen interest in learning about different cultures'/ religions' attitudes toward abortion, also an interest in fetal development, wanting to know exactly what stage the embryo/ fetus was at at the time of abortion, whether "it" could feel anything or have any awareness.

I am coming from a Jewish perspective, which is that the soul does not enter the embryo until 40 days past conception. But I would never tell a woman who had an abortion, "you did the wrong thing," or "you did the right thing." That is not for me to decide or decree.

blessing and healing to viv.


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## armonia (Mar 24, 2002)

Gentle hugs to you, Viv. Thank you for sharing your story and offering another perspective to those who may be trying to make a choice. Your words may help someone decide "Hey...this isn't for me".


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

s Viv. what a brave post. My heart goes out to you. I don't know what else to say. I know there is at least one other mom on here who has really regretted her abotrtion. Hopefully she will see your post and respond with somehting more useful than me







I am sure there are others too. I hope you find healing and peace.


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## amyandelle (Jul 5, 2004)

I also wanted to suggest afterabortion.com I have been going to that site for five years (my ab baby would be turning 7 this December) and I have found tons of support and understanding there. You are right, abortion is dark and ugly and it is always there and it never goes away.








Amy


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.
















Sending prayers your way.....


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## sparkprincess (Sep 10, 2004)

Mama, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to work through all this. Peace to you.


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## kynd mama (Jul 16, 2002)

Viv, first and foremost: strength and healing to you from the depths of my soul.

Second, why is HER opinion on "not doing it again" different than a mama who lost a newborn cautioning against homebirth/hosptials/c-secs, etc??

I did not take her post to be a debate or inappropriate. I would expect any mama who has felt such a tremendous loss, in any circumstance, would caution any other mamas who would walk the very same path.

In peace and truth-


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## mommyofshmoo (Oct 25, 2004)

Viv- Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I know it sucks, because I've gone through the mourning, guilt, regret, etc. myself. Having an abortion is a terrible loss of innocence IMO- you are making a very tough decision, one that has no right or wrong answer, and no one has to truly live with the consequences but you. All my sympathy goes out to you.

I also wanted to share my own experience and my feelings now that I'm a few years out. I'm not trying to negate anyhing you or anyone esle said here, just sharing. I guess because I can't help myself. Also, because I feel like I've gotten to a place of acceptance and I want you to know that it is a process and it does get better. It never really goes away- but you will feel better and more resigned eventually.

I had an abortion about six years ago. Got pregnant with a man I was living with and very much in love with and committed to. He decided he wanted nothing to do with having a baby and threw me out.

I could have gone through with it. I was financially stable enough and very much wanted the baby. However, I was so heartbroken and frightened of doing it alone that I eventually chose to end the pregnancy. I spent almost two agonizing months trying to make a decision. It was literally the worst time of my life. Comming from a Catholic background, I really saw it as ending the life of my child.

I went through lots of pain and growth afterward, met my husband and started a family. Having been so fully abandoned by my boyfriend, I learned about what was truly important in a man and in a relationship. I'm still working on forgiving myself and feeling forgiven by God. I small part of me wonders if I'll go to hell.

That said- now that I know all that is entailed with raising kids, I'm more and more convinced that I made the right decision. I now realize what a mean jerk my ex was. I also now understand that unless he gave up paternity rights (which he would not have done) he could have gotten partial custody. We could have had no end of custody battles. I've never spent a night away (or even in a different room) from my child- how would I have felt having to pump breastmilk so my kid could spend nights at her dad's? (Her dad who didn't want her born in the first place.) Sometimes I feel like going to hell might be worth it to protect my kid from being shuffled back and forth between myself and that @$$hole.

I now understand the value of a stable family life, and also how much of a better mom I am with the love and support of a husband. I know plenty of women who are good single moms, but I feel like I'm doing a way better job since I'm not single.

I still feel guilt. Abortion is a terrible thing. However, I now realize that I'm not alone. The world is full of very brave people who have had to make tough decisions for the greater good. All leaders have to make tough decisions and only they have to live with themselves and the consequences. When you are making choices for people beyond yourself (like your family) sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

I wish I could have gone through life with the innocence I had before- the sense that the world was full of good and bad decisions, and that the difference was always obvious. My experience aged me, but I wonder now if that was for the better.

Anway- I hope you find a better place eventually. Good luck.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

I'm so sorry you are suffering Viv. Please be gentle with yourself. You didn't know - our culture's polarized, hyperbolic "discussion" about abortion obscures the real pain and loss that it can bring women.

I know five women who had an abortion - four girls in high school and one who was divorcing her abusive dh (who would have been the father). Two of these women (high school girls) suffered for the decision. I honestly think the abortion changed their lives as much as a baby would have - they both had babies within two years, and one soon married to the father of the abortion (a relationship that wouldn't have lasted, I don't think, without the need to compensate for the abortion).

For the other three women, however, their choice was all relief and no regret or pain.

So yes, we need to help women understand the possible pain so that their choice is really a decision and not a fantasy; and we need to provide counseling afterwards so that hurting 17 year olds don't make bad decisions in an attmpt to compensate for a loss they don't understand. But in my life, "choice" has done more to help women I know and love than damage them.


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## steffanie3 (Mar 17, 2002)




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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Not trying to be rude here....

Just wanted to point out that this thread is QUITE old (wonder why it was dug up?)...and the OP hasn't been active here for a while....

Just a quick PSA.....but I hope she's doing well.

Kelly


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CookieMonsterMommy*
Not trying to be rude here....

Just wanted to point out that this thread is QUITE old (wonder why it was dug up?)...and the OP hasn't been active here for a while....

Just a quick PSA.....but I hope she's doing well.

Kelly

reserected a year later to the day.


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

Well, now that the thread has been resurrected, I will say that while I am sorry the OP and others regret their choice of abortion, there seems little room on this forum to discuss positive abortion stories. Of course I would not debate in a thread about one woman's experience, but when I posted a question about breastfeeding and RU-486, most women with experience were more comfortable PMing me, not responding on the thread, which was upsetting. For anyone seeking positive abortion stories and support, imnotsorry.net is a good website.


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## counterGOPI (Jan 22, 2005)

wow momma thanks for sharing that!! i am very pro-life,i was pro-choice when i was a youngin then when i went vegan i realized that not only should i be defending the defenseless non human animals but the human animals as well. i am so sorry you had to go through all of that to get to where you are today. youve gone through so much and i truly appreciate you sharing it with us. please keep on talking if it makes you feel better. we are all here for you!!
<3,
nicole


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