# Going back out into the world, without baby



## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

I have been doing pretty well at home, able to get back into a new routine. I am able to grieve, but also function and be there for my girls. But going out into the world is hard, especially to places like the grocery store, where I am recognized, but not really known. I have been shopping in the next town or have others shop for me just so I don't have to face the- "You had your baby! Where is he/she?" and watch there faces fall and relive it all again. Especially since I am in such a different place now. It has been only three weeks, but I feel like I am healing and I am trying to rejoice in my baby girl and love her, not just feel the devastation of losing her. My daughter has left behind so many gifts. I would trade all those gifts to have her healthy and nursing in my arms, but that is not how it is, so I must move on.

I feel like a stranger in a strange land going out, I have changed, but the world is still the same. People around me are still doing their same things, and I feel awkward and unsteady in dealing with people and looking them in the eye. That is when I feel my grief brimming and about to overflow. I am thinking as I pay for my purchases, here is this money for this thing, and I lost a child last month don't you know. But you can't say those things and I don't want pity, or to see that look when people find out. The ones that do need to know, that love and support me know, and this is good. But there is this sense of incompleteness in me with not having my daughter here to share with the world.

What is the next step? Where do you go from here? I can't seem to pick up where I left off, not sure how to move on and start new. Hello world, there is a hole in my heart that I must figure out how to fill up with good stuff without doing it in desperation. Hope all this is making sense!
Brandi


----------



## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

ChildoftheMoon









Im so sorry for your loss. I dont have any advice but I wanted to let you know that thre is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. Have you thought about keeping a journal? I feel as though writing down what Im feeling makes it easier for me to deal with whatever is bothering me. I can write all the things down that I cant express openly to other people.








I hope you feel at peace soon.


----------



## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

Thank you Raven. I am keeping a journal and it does help, but in my isolation I feel like I need some feedback from others who have been there. I am one of those people who tend to keep their feelings in and not get it out and share with others or ask for help. I know that we all heal in our own ways and in our own time, but it nice to hear how others have coped. It feels good to come here and be heard, it is not like speaking with strangers, but like talking with family, but family that is not directly involved.

I am feeling good most days, but even feeling good makes me feel guilty, especially when speaking with others. How can I be happy and having a good day when this has happened to our family?! And, I know the answer to this question, but it does not keep me from feeling the guilt.

Brandi


----------



## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

I am sure that you will get some excellent advice and support here! There are many mamas here who know exactly what you are going through and they will help you find the peace you need. Love to you mama!


----------



## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Brandi, I'm sorry so sorry you are here with us, but so glad you found us. I had a m/c a couple of months ago and although I truly understand that you went through a totally different experience, your words rang so true with what I went through. Going out in the world was the hardest part. Even now, I find myself in a place that reminds me of when I was pg or I bump into someone who never found out and I have to tell them. I have found that the only way to get to the other side of this is to walk right through. It's the most painful route, but the only way if you are going to live a healthy life. Things will never be back to "normal" because you are a different person now. You have had a life changing experience, one that divides time into before and after. You will feel fine one moment and something will blindside you the next. Time does help. Dealing with each person, each important event as it comes makes you stronger.

I hope I have said something to help you, but I know others with be of more help. Please come here as often as you need with whatever you need. There is a great group of women here with huge hearts ready to help.


----------



## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Brandi, does it make you feel better to know that I felt and feel the exact same things you're talking about? I operate like a different person now- I am guarded, I don't make eye contact and I literally will avoid places and people I went to when I was pg just to not have to deal with those looks and comments. It sucks. I want to move- I feel like that's the only way I can get around it. There's just too much history here.

I will say that after I while I started to consiously make myself numb before I went out so when people would do that- I would be either really curt- "Um, my baby died- how much is this?" or I'd just tell them how thankful I was that he came into my life.

The next step? I think it's just to keep breathing. I remember that 3 weeks after my baby died, it started to get worse before it got better (the shock wore off).










PS-check your email!


----------



## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry you had to come here. This is a hard place to be, but we are lucky that it is filled with so many kind and loving women. I still have a hard time going out into the world. To an outsider my life is complete. After all I have a good marriage and a wonderful little boy, but I don't have my daughter. I actually haven't been to get my hair cut since I lost Arawyn. I always go to the same place, and the people there are so nice. I take Ds and he plays while I get my hair cut. The owner is always giving him little presents, like candy or a little pinwheel. But now I can't go there, because they knew I was pregnant, and I told them so proudly that I was having a girl. I am afraid to go back and tell them that my baby died. So now Dh cuts my hair for me. Its not a big deal, I pretty much shave my head anyway, but I miss going there.

Everything always seems so different now. I know I am the same person, but I am not the same either. I also haven't been to a LLL meeting in almost a year. I can't face so many pregnant women and newborns. Even though I like the women there and I know that they are always so supportive. I told myself I would attend the first meeting after my positive pregnancy test. But I will let you all know how that goes after I get the positive test.

Brandi, I just want you to know that you aren't alone. We are here to support you, and many of us have felt similar to how you are feeling.


----------



## TurboClaudia (Nov 18, 2003)

Brandi:

I hate when people say, "I know what you're feeling," because they really don't. Your experience of your life is totally different from their experience of their life, even though it may have some common events. So I won't say that.

I've never experienced the loss of a child or a pregnancy loss, but I have lost a loved one and I have also lost my vision in one eye. These are different experiences of grief, but reading your words reminds me of how I felt when my grandma died and after I lost my sight in my eye. I wanted to walk around and let people know, "Hey, my grandma died and I miss her," or, "I can't see out of one of my eyes, but you can't tell that, can you?" And at the same time, I wanted to hide it and go back to being the person I was before my grandma died and before when my vision was perfect. But I couldn't go back; I could only go forward, and how I went forward was the only thing I could control. I realized at some point after my grandma's death that how long and how sadly I went through life would never bring her back to life and it wouldn't make me a nice person to be around. I could remember her happily and cry about her not being here in my world anymore, but I wanted to not be sad all the time. It was very tiring for me to be constantly in a state of grief.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, or if I sound too preachy or even if you are ready to hear this, but I just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking about you and your beautiful baby girl who is watching over you and your family.

Be gentle with yourself, mama, and just allow yourself to feel what you feel and live how you live.

with love,
claudia


----------



## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

I don't have any words of wisdom just wanted to say how sorry I am that you experienced such a loss.







s


----------



## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

I get so tired of people talking to me like nothing ever happened. I live in a very very very small town and everyone knows everyone. So it wasn't long after I lost my Carter that pretty much everyone i know, knew. I went to Walmart last night and ran into a friend that works there. She told me that she was preg and was having morning sickness when i started talking about my preg and my morning sickness she had a look of horror on her face. Like that was one of those things that I'm not supposed to talk about. It was only "ok" to talk about it when i wasn't around. He is my son weither he is here with me or not and I refuse to let him be forgotten about. I know that people don't want to upset me and sometimes they do, but i'd rather be upset than him be ignored.
I think that everyone is different about how they react to going back. I'm sure that you will find your way. I've found that when it's comfortable for me to talk about him, I do and when I don't, i don't. I have to take care of me sometimes.


----------



## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChildoftheMoon*
But going out into the world is hard, especially to places like the grocery store, where I am recognized, but not really known. I have been shopping in the next town or have others shop for me just so I don't have to face the- "You had your baby! Where is he/she?" and watch there faces fall and relive it all again.

This is still happening to me...almost 5 months later. I shop at 2-3 food co-ops here in Portland and I started (4 months ago) going to others much further away.
It wasn't until last week that I went to the usual farmers market and outdoor co-op that I usually shop at. In fact I used to have a booth a one of the farmers markets. So I really know alot of the people.
It really sucks to have to do this. BUT...it is what I have had to do...for me.

I will never forget the first time it happened to me. I was in the middle of the store when a mama whose children attend school with my 5 year old came rushing up to me with all her smiles on and asked where the new baby was. I had both my kids with me, a full cart of stuff and I turned and walked out of the store, leaving my cart behind and my kids in tow...I couldn't even say a word to her...I just started to bawl. Poor lady...couldn't even say to her one word. Then Gavin piped up and said that "Our baby died".
Holy Cow...telling this story is like almost being there again...it was horrible.

I am sorry that you are going through this Brandi...I so understand...so do lots of the other mama's here.


----------



## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

Keri(coleslaw) I am so sorry for your loss! I had noticed you were back in the ttc forum, but it had not registered at the time what had happened. Thank you for sharing your words, they rang so true with what I am feeling.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, we all do go through our own process and have our own way, but it is amazing how similar the feelings and cycles of grief are. You all give me hope and confidence. Thank you for all the love. I believe things happen for a reason, it is just up to us to do something good with whatever comes our way-so that reason can become a good one.

May I have your permission to print out your responses to put in my daughter's baby book? I understand if you are not comfortable with that. I am filling out her baby book with as much as I can and have a memory box for her that I am keeping all of the cards and my journal in. I don't want to forget my daughter or all of the gifts that she has brought our way. There are so many lessons in this, I don't want to take any of it for granted.

It is so true, when each of you said, how you become a different person, how it is a determining moment in your life, it is now after, and before. In the first days, when I sat writing and typing my thoughts through showers of tears, and shared my news with friends and family--I felt that change coming on. But for me, it was like a new spark meeting up with somthing in me that has been asleep for a long time, merging and creating something new. Galadriel Marie, my angel daughter has given me new life and hope, and I know that I will be ok. Their are still many hardships to get through, but I will get through them.

I went to LLL yesterday. I thought, I can do this, but as I pulled up I began to shake, when I went in, I did not want to take off my sunglasses to look anyone in the eye, but I did anyway. Everyone gave me hugs and silent smiles, it was so nice. I held it together until it was time for introductions and then I lost it when I actually had to say it. But I did it and the meeting was very nice. We have a particularly good group here, and in the next town where I also attend meetings. It was a good step, not quite ready for our local grocery store, but I will get there eventually. I think having this little girl that I give my pumped milk to is helping me with being around mommies and pregnant ladies. Until I had her to help out I would just be screaming in me head "that should be me!" when I saw a mother and a newborn or a very pregnant lady. I can't wait to be pregnant again and to have another baby, I know in my heart that it will be different and that everything will be ok next time, but I do need time, I need to wait and to let the process happen.

THANK YOU ALL LOVELY LADIES!
Love, Brandi


----------



## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My son died during my 27th week this past March.

I have found that I too needed that feedback from others, hence the obsessive long Connor posts. I needed to feel like I wasn't crazy because as supportive as my friends/family were trying to be, they didn't understand my loss...the new woman I've become...how truly easy it could be to hurt me to the core even by unintentional statements.

Like SweetTeach mentioned, I wish I could tell you it will only get easier as time goes by but the truth is some days are easier and some days are so horrible that you swear you won't make it through the day.

I don't know if I notice pregnant woman and/or babies less now (now that I'm pregnant of if because some time has gone by) but I remember vividly the feeling like I had a huge baby magnet on my forehead and no matter where I went, there was going to be a newborn right next to me. I even freaked out in a super market line when a newborn was in front of me and then another one behind me in line. I just left the few groceries I was going to buy and walked out of the store.

As for people's responses, this is such a hard topic that I still deal with as if I'm just discovering it today. We are moms that want to talk about our child, just like any other mom wants to show off her newborn. Only most people don't allow us to do that. I would love to tell you that most people are doing that with the intent that it's for your best but the truth is (whether they admit it or not) it's for their best because they are not comfortable. I've been trying to build a shield to people in order to not be hurt but I'm not going to stop talking about my son. I'm going to bring him up as much as possible with the hope that some people will start to eventually understand that Connor is my son, whether he is here physically with me or not.

Ok, I wrote a book and feel like I could keep on writing. I guess, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone...you are not crazy...you are entitled to whatever feeling you have...you are different - I like to sum my difference up to learning how to be a mother to a child that is only physically not with me.


----------



## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wilkers8*
As for people's responses, this is such a hard topic that I still deal with as if I'm just discovering it today. We are moms that want to talk about our child, just like any other mom wants to show off her newborn. Only most people don't allow us to do that. I would love to tell you that most people are doing that with the intent that it's for your best but the truth is (whether they admit it or not) it's for their best because they are not comfortable. I've been trying to build a shield to people in order to not be hurt but I'm not going to stop talking about my son. I'm going to bring him up as much as possible with the hope that some people will start to eventually understand that Connor is my son, whether he is here physically with me or not.


This too, child of the moon, has been my experience. It is not a comfortable experience for most people to talk about- humph! They should try _living_ it!!! So these wise words of wilkers8 ring true for me as well; undoubtedly they ring true for many of us. Going out into the world after suffering a loss like this can be terribly difficult. Everyone carries the expectation that the baby was fine after the birth. No one seems to realize, or want to admit, that this is NOT always the case! Your posts, child of the moon, echoed many of my own feelings. Know that you are not alone in this anguished time. I could relate to so much of what you wrote, especially the part about being a different person than you were before. To me, I feel it as an initiation; an incredibly unwanted one, and I'm not always sure as to why I was initiated or to what purpose it will serve. Time will tell, I suppose, for many of us who belong to the club that no one wants to belong to.

I am so sorry for your loss - I wish you peace and healing.










Jen


----------



## shai (Aug 10, 2004)

((((to everyone)))))

I am new to this and ppl can be jerks!!! Those who might ask about the baby and when I tell them or my husband does, they say "stop playing" or "girl you joke to much" and they reach in to touch my stomach. I shoot them







like hey, jerk, does it LOOK or SOUND like we are playing, what the hell is wrong with you. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER joke about that in this lifetime or any.

Then the faces drop, o I am so sorry.

I mentioned b4 that my pastor's wife is a month and a half behind me and I look at her and I get sad. She is starting to feel the baby move and I see her back arching and stomach poking out. Inside I die. I really do. I can't look at her or be near her. We are on the worship team together and it is hard knowing that i might have to fill in for her when she gets to that time. Only God knows how I will react when the child arrives. It pains my heart just thinking about it.

I remember when everuthing first happened, I was pinching myself ever so hard. Just pinching, punching, slapping, to feel if it was real. It was as if I was watching tv or a movie and I culdnt change the channel. I still can't change the channel!!!

This is too emotional for me.

I haven't been to work in almost 2 years, I stayed him with our youngest and I am ready to go to work. I need to keep busy. I need to do something with myself. I feel so vulnerable being at home. I have my moments, I cry and cry and cry. I told hubby today that when I go to the dr Im going to see if I can go to work. I have to get out of the house!

I dont know what stage im in, but I hate being home.


----------



## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

Shai-you will get through this. Please be gentle with yourself mama. These times are hard. Two things I remind myself everyday is that things happen for a reason, and God does not give us more than we can handle. God (or Goddess if you prefer) gives gifts in everything, we just have to look for them and receive them. I am angry, and I hurt, and my arms ache for my baby, BUT I cannot give up on life.

My daughter brought to me a new light, and new feeling about life. Some days it is hard to see and hard to remember, as I am sobbing wanting to scream. A door closes, but don't forget to look for the window. This past year has been my family's hardest year. Last July, my mil went into icu and later passed away in October. It has been such a huge loss for us. She was one of those people that just was bigger than life, she was my mom too, not just a mil. We were so broke, and my dh was working two jobs and going to school. We literally were in survival mode. Later we lost his grandma, the my grandmother suffered from a stroke. Then we had to move-again! Then our sweet baby.............woke us up. I looked in my photo albums and realized the last picture I had added was the day before MIL went to icu. It was like a flashing neon sign to me that our lives had stopped at that moment.

Everyone's grief is different, and how they heal from it will be different. Not everyone can look on their angel babies as life-altering gifts. But I think through sharing our stories, we lighten the burden of others having a difficult time.
Brandi


----------

