# Pros and Cons of close vs. further apart child spacing?



## Hollin (Jun 26, 2005)

Hi mamas. My DS is 6.5 months and I've been thinking a lot lately about when I want to have another baby. I don't want any further than 5 years apart, but other than that I have no clue.

Part of me wants closely-spaced because I think close in age siblings tend to be better friends and they're more interested in the same stuff which would be fun for family vacations and things. It will also nice to get the spitting up/diapers/up all nightness out of the way with one fell swoop.

But then I think of the advantages to further apart spacing too. There's the nursing of course. And I think I'd be darn exhausted if I had 2 kids who weren't sleeping through the night at the same time. I also feel like I'd have to rob ds of some of his babyhood if a lot of my attention was taken away by a newborn. Plus I'm just worried I'd be overwhelmed by 2 babies at once since I sometimes find one baby to be overhwleming.

What are your thoughts on child spacing pros and cons?


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## kiwimutti (Mar 22, 2004)

one thing i think worth a mention is just the *physical attachment* thing...

ive noticed having had my second baby once dd was 3.5 was that dd _was physically off me..._ by then, which let me hold ds all the time.

But with the 3rd, coming just 14 mths after the 2nd its way more demanding. Carrying Sage around while I was at the end of pregnancy was pretty hard on me...I think it contributed to pretty bad seperation of my tummy muscles too. (even though I was fit and healthy)
I have one on me at any point now and sometimes two.

my saving grace is that we work from home so ds1 hangs out with dad alot we also work outside alot so it suits him fine to be in the back pack on dad pottering around.

it may just be more overwhelming in genral now because there's 3 though...

aaaah the combernations and permitations of babymaking and spacing


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## wendyland (Apr 5, 2003)

Hi! Mine are 4 1/2 years apart and it was great. I got to spend alone time with my daughter before having another. She was pretty independant when the next was born. They're now 7 and 2 1/2. They actually still fight, but also love each other a lot. I'd like to have about the same age gap with the next one.


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## em&namama (Apr 26, 2005)

Mine are 10 months apart so I can only speak to that. It was definitely overwhelming in the beginning-I won't lie. Then again my 2nd baby would have been overwhelming for anyone compared to my first who was so easy.

Once I got past that initial time it has been nothing but wonderful. They are best friends and really have a special relationship that I can't imagine would be any closer then say twins. It was also nice because we did age appropriate things and couldn't not do one thing because one was too young or too old. It also helps me because they can entertain each other and I can get other things done.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Well #2 is still baking, but I am already loving the spacing. DD will be 3.75 years old when this one is born. She is old enough to understand so much, why it hurts mama to do this, how come mama can't carry her... I could not handle two babies at once, I know my limitations,







and I feel they are still really babies at 2 years. I wanted dd to be the baby for several years before introducing another one. My sister and I were 2 years and 11 days apart and we still never played together, were not friends, we do not mesh personality wise, never have. So I never wanted my dc close together so they would play together.


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## lexbeach (Mar 6, 2002)

My twins will be 3.75 when our baby comes too! I got pregnant the day after their 3rd birthday. I am also really LOVING this spacing so far (pre-baby's arrival). My 3-year-olds are so excited about their new baby, and they really understand a lot of what is going on (and why I need to rest, can't carry them, etc.). I am also glad that they got 3 full years of unhindered nursing. Pregnancy almost always drastically affects milk supply (not to mention can cause nipple pain). I would never recommend that anyone get pregnant before their nursling is at least two and has gotten two full years of mama milk. In general, I think a 3-4 year spacing is pretty ideal. Mom's body has time to rest, your baby has time to really grow out of babyhood before another baby comes along, but your older child is still young enough that you haven't moved out of the stage of having young children yet (diapers are not a distant memory, nor are sleepless nights, naptime schedule restrictions, etc.), and you really have time and energy to devote to your new baby in a way that you wouldn't if you still had a young toddler to take care of. My kids are in preschool in the mornings, and I'm really glad that I'll have that time to be alone with the baby. They wouldn't have been old enough to start before this fall (and I wouldn't have wanted to send them before they were 3 anyway).

HTH!

Lex


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## trmpetplaya (May 30, 2005)

IMO, five years apart is too far. I am five years older than my brother - the one after me (there are four of us and I'm the oldest) and I never had anyone to play with... I was also old enough to know that I didn't want a brother, I wanted a sister. I would say no further apart than 4 years... but that's just from my experience







I was 9.5 before my sister was born and 11.5 when my other brother was born... I always envied my sister and youngest brother because they were only 2 years apart and were always really good friends... so I'd say between 2 and 4 years would be good









love and peace.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

we are still not sure if our family is complete, we had originally talked about having just one child, but sometimes we do discuss the possibility of another.

i had some pretty bad postpartum physical complications so i'm still in physical therapy twice a week for that at 10 months pp. i would like to be 100% when we endeavor another pregnancy, and that might take a while for my body to get back there.

we also want to completely enjoy dd's babyhood without having to think about another infant, so that means waiting, too.

and we're hoping that dd will be an active participant in the decision to have a sibling for her. i think she'll let us know if she'd like a baby brother or sister. we would like for her to be older so that she could understand what's happening. we have several friends whose older kids were on the younger side and they had a really hard time adjusting because they were still babies themselves.

so if we do go for it, we will probably be ttc around dd's 3rd birthday.

i don't want to wait much longer than that because i'm not a spring chicken...


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## GuavaLava (Nov 15, 2004)

I've done a lot of searching and asking about this very thing. Our dd is almost 4 and we are TTC. We originally thought we were done. As dd got older and things got easier, we changed our minds.

We're hoping to be pregnant soon or we will probably reconsider. Dh is in the military and we have certain ideas about how we want things to be. If dh ends up deploying or we have to move, those ideas won't be happening.

It seems to me, whenever this question is asked, the answers are varied. I think it comes down to the individual children and the dynamics of the family. Some people don't get along, some people do.

My sisters are 6, 8, and 10 years younger than me and we aren't very close. My male cousins are 4 and 7 years younger than me and we are very close. We lived together almost as much as I lived with my sisters so I consider it a fair comparison.


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## Shahbazin (Aug 3, 2006)

I'm wondering about this same thing... I had an uncomplicated pregnancy & birth, am a bit on the heavy side, & despite bf'ing, AF came back at 11 weeks postpartum. DH wants to TTC again real soon, but DD is 4 months now, & I'd like for her to be 6 months or older before taking any chances, so that if/when milk supply goes down (which I understand it often does in 2nd trimester), there would be more nutritional options. We postponed childbearing for quite a while (married 15 years), so spacing is being affected by our ages; I'm 39 this month, & DH is 51, so now that we have a child & would like her to have sibs, we don't want to waste time - does this make any sort of sense?


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## learnlovebe (Aug 21, 2006)

If you asked a million women this question, you'd get a million different answers; each one is true to that woman.

DH and I have discussed this too, and we're each partial to how our families were spaced growing up. He and his brother were 4 years apart, and he loved it. I am the oldest of 3 and had a great relationship with my youngest brother (6 years years younger) his entire life. The middle brother (18 months younger than me) and I fought all the way through high school (nothing too dysfunctional, we were just really different), but as adults we're close. That's just my family though, I think it can go either way no matter what the spacing.







That probably doesn't help much though. I'm happy that people are thinking about the influence of siblings though...there was an article in Time about it a few months ago.


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## waimeagirl (Feb 9, 2003)

Mine are 2 1/2 years apart..2nd concieved at 18/19 months and worked good for us. 1st was out of dipes and so "present" during the whole pregnancy. It was nice to have him old enough to understand the concept of a new sibling in mommies tummy and was so attache dto brother when he was born, he still calls his brother "his" baby. He was at the birth and old enough to understand what was going on. I love that the transition of cribs car seats cloths etc is easy also. It was nice to get settled in to the life of a toddler walking and talking befor getting pregnat again too, i was very ill and incapacitated for the 1st 18 weeks with both so it was nice for eldest to be on his way to self care. Eating bathing getting dressed etc...
hope it helps!!


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## zjande (Nov 4, 2002)

I have obsessed over this very topic for the past 3 months.
My 1st baby was born 6.5 years before my 2nd, and the 2nd was born 7.5 yrs before my 3rd. My kids so far have been spaced waay apart, but we're going to ttc soon, so the 4th baby will be less than 2 years apart from the 3rd.

I think the PP was right on when she said you'd get a million different answers about this from a million different women.

Here's my own reasonings:

I think kids really far apart (5+ years) are great because there is often absolutely no competition or fights, as has been the case for my kids so far. My 2 oldest, who are 8 & 15, have never had a fight. The older one can babysit, & they play board games & wrestle & laugh together everyday. They are on completely different pages in life though when it comes to homeschooling & activities outside of the house. Some days are exhausting when I'm shuttling them around to different activities & trying to homeschool & entertain them in their opposite interests. Being pregnant was a piece of cake with such older siblings around.







I could nap whenever I felt like it, or ask them to hand me things, tie my shoes when I couldn't reach them anymore, etc. And my oldest was there to take all the pictures when the baby was born.









I've decided to have the next one so soon because of these reasons:
I want my 3rd & the 4th to be close friends (assuming their personalities would allow this). It will be possible for them to share a bedroom & toys, and will be soo much easier to homeschool them. Also, I'm 32 & don't want to wait 7 years again to conceive. And, I like the idea of sharing my body space for the next 3-4 years, but then being *done* with the tandem nursing, babies-all-over-me-all-night long thing & moving on from all that. I also am just really excited to meet the next wee member of our family.

Also, my youngest is still napping 3 times a day! I'd MUCH prefer to be pregnant when my other children are either still napping, so I can get some SLEEP while pregnant, or are old enough that I can nap while they entertain themselves. Napping during pregnancy is a really big deal to me.









My thoughts on spacing my kids 3-4 years apart are thus: First there's the not really getting naps in while pregnant, but mostly I feel like that sort of spacing wouldn't really allow the kids to be close friends because they'd be so far apart in age, but they'd still be close enough to fight & be competitive. And also, I'd *just* be getting out the breastfeeding, night waking, pregnancy weight, no body space stage, and them BAM, right back into all of it. YKWIM?

Anyway, those are just my 2 cents. Thanks for letting me share all that here. Like I said, I've been obsessing!


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## Theresa9599 (Aug 4, 2006)

For my family, I always thought that three years was great spacing in between kids. They are old enough to get along, play together, and have similar interests, but not so close that it would be difficult. Plus, financially, it seemed logical.

Then, I discovered I had secondary infertility. Now, 4 years, 5 years, or whatever it takes sounds perfect to me for my family!







: Amazing how that changes things, huh? I know that it'll be easier in the first days, that DD will understand what is happening, that she'll be less demanding and clingy (hopefully!) once #2 finally does arrive, and I won't have to worry about buying two sets of baby gear.

So I've been thinking about this a lot. What is "right"? Whatever it happens to be! Short term, it might be nicer to have them spaced close in age, or far apart, or somewhere in between. But in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter if they are 1 year apart of 10. Because you will still be caring for them for 18 years and loving them for a lifetime. And as we all know, after we're all grown up, it doesn't much matter if your sibling is 18 months younger than you or many years older. You're either going to "click" with somebody or not. I mean, my aunt is practically my best friend and she is 18 years older than me - she's much more like a sister than an aunt. My brother, on the other hand, is 1 ½ years younger then I am, and I never talk to the guy. And my cousin is 8, and he treats Kassidy just like a little sister; they have so much fun together!

So, to summarize, I try not to focus on the pros and cons of child spacing, because it just makes me overwhelmed - there is too much to consider!







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