# Help me to stop yelling... please! I'm reliving my childhood in a bad way



## CariS (Jul 2, 2005)

Hi all -

I know this topic has been covered but I did a search and can't find anything.

Please tell me HOW you stop yourself from yelling *in the moment*.

I grew up (only child, single mother, over worked sending me to private school, not a happy person) with a mother that yelled very badly all the time.

The guilt is crushing. I know I do better and am much less likely to yell when I'm well rested and can get to the gym. I do my best to ensure that happens. I don't know what else to do. I went to therapy on and off for 8 years to be the best person I can be. I learned a lot about myself in those years.

I'm sure there are 100 books I could read but I already have a stack of books on my bedside table waiting for me.

I would appreciate even one small tidbit. Many thanks!


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## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

I grew up with a mother that yelled. Fighting was a normal part of every day life. I didn't know until I was 18 that it wasn't normal. 18 years to figure out my home life wasn't normal.

I've "been my mother" several times. I hate it. I hate myself immediately afterwards. I look into my daughter's eyes and I see her bottom lip curling under, crying because mama just yelled at her. Damn me!

Here's what I do:

I hang some sort of reminder up. I'm in the kitchen a lot so I hang a note on the fridge that says, "I will not be that mother." I know what "that" mother is. I will not hurt my daughter the way I have been hurt. No way.

I remind myself that we choose to be angry. I read somewhere that we have the angry emotion for 90 seconds. After 90 seconds, it's our choice how we want to feel. You can continue to feel anger...or feel something better. I repeat in my head "I will not let anger control me. I will not let anger control me."

The other day my mom and I got into a fight. The usual. (I need to rid myself from her toxicity but it's a complicated situation). I peeled out of her driveway, with dd in the car. I was MAD! I knew that she had ruined my day. I knew that dd and I would have an awful day because of what she did. I knew that I would be snippy with dd all day. I knew I was going to be "that" mother all day long.

I also knew I didn't want that to happen. The entire drive home I repeated (out loud and silently), "He who angers me controls me." It was amazing how it helped. When we got home, I made lunch for us and we chilled in the living room and played and had a great time. I chose the outcome for that day. I was very proud of myself.

Try to meditate once/day or simply repeat a mantra when you're lying down to go to sleep. Repeat a mantra of whatever you need to focus on in your life or whatever you want to accomplish. Sounds silly, but it works and it helps you to be more aware.

I still slip up, but I am aware and I try so hard to not be "that" mother. I try so hard. The song by Kelly Clarkson "Because of You" is a wonderful reminder as well. The video is very powerful.

ETA: Here is the "Because of You" video if you haven't seen it.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I put myself in a time out..... and apologize often. I am so my mother it is frightening. This is my achillies heal and I struggle with it daily.


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## NinaBruja (Jan 19, 2004)

when youre in the moment its not too late to stop and start over.
sometimes we feel like were already yelling its too late to stop and do what we would really rather do.

you might have already read about this but its always good to remember and try to do
http://www.naturalparenting.com.au/f...ving-child.cfm


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## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

Personally, I have found that I yell once my fuse is at the end, and I can usually sense it coming in enough time to decide to change course. For me at least, the biggest part of stopping myself from yelling is being aware that I am moving in that direction in the first place and working to change the situation/energy BEFORE I get to the point of being so frustrated that I snap.
Sometimes, this means calling DH in to relieve me (usually when the child won't go to sleep) so I can leave for a few minutes and regain my composure or use the restroom. Sometimes, it means getting goofy with the kid, holding him upside down and tickling him and singing a song. Sometimes, it means redirecting/distracting him. Sometimes, it means explaining in a purposely soft, calm voice why he simply can't do X, Y, or Z. I find this talking to DS about the thing that is driving me bananas can be calming for both of us, actually.


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## PiePie (Oct 2, 2006)

i think timeouts for parents are good, except for very young children who will probably follow you anyway. i also think that we yell when our own needs are not met. perhaps you need to organize your life to give yourself 10 minutes of me time a day to rejuvenate however you do that. i feel like a total hypocrite for typing that -- i haven't managed that yet! but i suspect it really would help. i have recently started encouraging dh to go out to a movie or something for himself once a week and i think it helps a little.


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## CariS (Jul 2, 2005)

Hi all!
I am sooooo deeply grateful! I will read all the posts again tonight when I have time to take it all in (a bit too much action going on at the moment).

But I wanted to thank you for the great ideas and the websites! Those are new to me!

Thank you a million times over! Thank you!







:


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




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## momma_unlimited (Aug 10, 2008)

One thing I've been doing is a meditation at the end of the day where I reflect backwards through the day starting from the current moment backwards to when I woke up, watching myself as though I were a bystander- not being judgemental, but objective. I end up having a lot more compassion for myself and my kids. It's called the Ruckshau meditation, developed by philosopher extraordinaire Rudolph Steiner... a means for "strengthening our capacity for thinking objectively" & experienceing "our emotions without becoming a slave to fears, anxieties, passing feelings, and conditioned responses". Who doesn't need that? The first time I tried it I was so blown away with how I could envision myself as if I was standing there, an "innocent bystander" to my own joys and frustrations, and without all the emotion it is so much easier to problem solve how things could have unfolded differently, and yet I saw myself and my kids as very human and normal and well-intentioned, so I have all this compassion well up inside. Then I say my prayers and drift off to sleep with many things feeling resolved and plans for a better tomorrow!

After a few weeks of practicing this, I notice I have strengthened the "objectivity muscle" and can retreat to that state of objectivity more and more when emotions seek to derail me from being the mother I will to be.

If this appeals to you, you will LOVE the book "Homemaking and Personal Development" by Veronika Van Duin. It is filled with specific exercises to transform personal weaknesses.. I don't think you need to be a full time homemaker to benefit.


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## Bekka (Nov 20, 2001)

In my case I have noticed that I am more likely to yell when I am alone, especially ALL day for long periods of time. I parent much better when people are around, because I am aware of that, and probably self-conscious.

I pretend there are others around sometimes (well, my beliefs step in here, and I also believe that God is there) and that really helps (if you're not religious, maybe there's a friend or family member whose opinion you really respect who you wouldn't want to let down). I have pretended different people are there.

Maybe this will be helpful--I know it has for me.

Also eating enough and frequently, as I get really impatient when my blood sugar is low.


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## mamaUK (Jul 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MayBaby2007* 

I remind myself that we choose to be angry. I read somewhere that we have the angry emotion for 90 seconds. After 90 seconds, it's our choice how we want to feel. You can continue to feel anger...or feel something better. I repeat in my head "I will not let anger control me. I will not let anger control me."

.[/URL]

I'm sure I have read a really interesting piece from another MDC mom taking about this on this forum, would anybody know the link for it?????? I remember her saying that she walks to the fridge or runs the tap in the sink for the minute if anger to pass........I would love to read it again.


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## mamaUK (Jul 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CariS* 
Hi all -

I know this topic has been covered but I did a search and can't find anything.

Please tell me HOW you stop yourself from yelling *in the moment*.

I grew up (only child, single mother, over worked sending me to private school, not a happy person) with a mother that yelled very badly all the time.

The guilt is crushing. I know I do better and am much less likely to yell when I'm well rested and can get to the gym. I do my best to ensure that happens. I don't know what else to do. I went to therapy on and off for 8 years to be the best person I can be. I learned a lot about myself in those years.

I'm sure there are 100 books I could read but I already have a stack of books on my bedside table waiting for me.

I would appreciate even one small tidbit. Many thanks!

hello, I have just found the link I was thinking about, here it is;
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...postcount=1286

I found this very useful to read as I sometimes have a tendency to yell when I am tired/hungry , it really helped me to remember that it is in my control whether I yell or not. |It is my choice.


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## ginadc (Jun 13, 2006)

Oh, I need these tips so much! I think I'm going to put the reminder note up on my fridge, only mine will be "I will not become my father." Dad was the one who yelled, berated, belittled. Why? Because that's what *he* grew up with. My paternal grandmother was, to put it kindly, a paranoid, cruel, shrieking harpy--and since PGF was mostly absent, that's all Dad ever knew. Not his fault, but it made for a rough relationship. My mom, on the other hand, was the gentlest soul in the world and never yelled. I have Dad's temper, unfortunately, although I benefit from having Mom as a role model.

Now I have an incredibly smart, strong-willed 3-year-old daughter who is the ultimate fulfillment of that parental wish, "May you someday raise the child you once were." And I do yell, despite yearning not to. I need lots of help stopping in the moment.

I read a book called "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids" that had some great insights about remembering that you can either get your way and be right, or you can connect. Which do you want? Sometimes I can think of that insight and use it to defuse tension with my DD and it works wonderfully. Other times I'm so PO'ed that I just think, "I don't care about connecting, you're driving me CRAZY!!!" Those are times when I need something else to pull me up short.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

great post. Thank you may baby that as excellent advice.

my advice would be that when you do lose your cool, look at what caused it so you can figure out a game plan for the future. this will result in you yelling less and less.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

I bawled my eyes out while watching the video then went upstairs and cuddled my daughter all night long.

Yelling isn't good.. glad that I have reduced yelling a lot this past month. My daughter noticed that I'm much less upset.









ETA: Here is the "Because of You" video if you haven't seen it.[/quote]


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## CAKJNH (Dec 16, 2008)

I used to have a sign on my fridge that said "They're kids, they're supposed to do this to you! Don't yell, don't hit, walk away" and made it colorful/enjoyable to look at. Made it stand out so I would see it "through the red" so to speak.

My mother thought it was odd, but didn't say much because she knew I didn't want to be like my dad who held in his anger toward her and then when the pressure became too much, he exploded on us kids. Sometimes hitting, sometimes yelling, throwing things (until one day - each at different times in our lives and for different reasons- hit him back. He wasn't hitting us for discipline and when we realized it, we defended ourselves. Once he knew we wouldn't tolerate that, he stopped).

I even had to quit a job because I'd come home to my 2 girls (only 2 then) who were 2 yrs and 4 mos and just have no patience. I told DH then, I was done. It wasn't worth it to me.









I think the sign is a great idea. I'm going to make a new one as things are a lot more stressful on DH & I right now - economically, plus other things. The tangible reminder is helpful.


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