# Need to talk to someone who's had a 2nd trimester miscarriage/premature birth loss



## Neldavi (Jun 28, 2005)

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and have been crampy and having sporadic contractions for a week. My midwives checked my cervix and it's almost completely effaced and at least 2-3 cm dilated .. there's no way I would be able to carry this baby to term. They said that based on my cervix they would expect me to go into labor soon. I thought it was going to happen last night but then everything just sort of petered out this morning when I got up.

I'm so confused and nervous about what's going to happen. The baby is alive and kicking, I just know that I'm not going to be able to carry him to a viable gestation, and it's heartbreaking every time I feel him move.

My midwives said it will be labor, that at this point it probably won't present like a miscarriage, with bleeding. And obviously the baby will be fully formed and fairly large I guess. I'm scared about what that will be like.

Has anyone been through something similar? It would help me to talk to someone who's had a later loss. Thanks.


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## BHappy (Jun 15, 2008)

i'm so very sorry this is happening for you. i don't have experience to share but i wanted to let you know i read your post, and i give you many hugs







and prayers.

love and light to you and yours,

xoxo


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## ErinsJuneBug (Nov 21, 2006)

not on this board - but i happened to see your post. Get your booty into a high tech hospital pronto! They can put you on medication to stop your contractions, give your baby steroids and possible put in a rescue cerclage. You have 3 weeks until viability - dont give up hope! You are still pregnant and that baby is still alive!


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## ladyjools (May 25, 2009)

i agree with dont' give up home, you only have 3 weeks until the baby is viable, and earlist fetus to survive was 23 weeks!

however i know how scaird i was when i thought i might have to go through this and it was useful for people to tell me what to expect so when the worse did happen (for me) it wasn't so terrifying,

i was 16 weeks
so it was a real labour, i had contractions for 2 days getting closer and closer together, then i felt the urge to push and the baby came out

when i saw him he was small but fully formed, perfect little babyboy,
the placenta was a problem it took an hour to delivier
i had morphene and gas and air for pain and no epedurial, (it was painful but i don't regret doing this vaginally)

i hope though that ur babe makes it,
you will be in my thoughts

Love Jools


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Yes, how come your midwives haven't considered trying to stop your labor? Especially if your water hasn't broken yet. I agree with the above poster who advised you to go to a good hospital. You are so close to the point where your baby could survive, I don't see why you should have to lose him without a fight

(((HUGS))) Please seek some medical attention! I hate seeing other mamas lose their babies...


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

I work in OB and totally agree with the other posters. Find a Perinatologist, NOW!

I'm praying for you and your baby. I hope everything turns out okay.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Sometimes intervention is a good thing... this would be one of those times!!


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I'd be glad to discuss my second tri. loss with you. But really, at this point I think that there's GREAT hope for your baby. Get yourself to a hospital or perinatologist ASAP. They can attempt to stop your labor, get you on antibiotics to prevent infections, and offer different types of bedrest to calm your cervix down.

Please let us know what's going on with you as the weekend progresses.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

I agree w/ pp's. As much as I dislike the hospital, in this situation I would be there NOW. They can give you something to stop the ctx, maybe stitch your cervix?, give steroids to the baby, keep you there on bedrest/monitors etc. Why didn't your mw's suggest this?
When I went to the hospital, they said if I'd have just been at 21wks, they'd have sent me right up to check in immediately. Go, now-you can update us from the hospital.


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

I agree with everyone....

Go to the hospital. They can stop labor. You might even end up going full term. Just see what can be done.


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## azdesertrn (Apr 2, 2003)

Another vote for go to a hospital ASAP. They can frequently stop labor at this stage depending on what is going on.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I agree with everyone else get to a hospital there is still hope. I am having a really hard time not thinking unkindly about your mw's for not suggesting you go in to try and save the pg. What in the world are they thinking????


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## luv-my-boys (Dec 8, 2008)

Please please go to the hospital ASAP. Go to the largest major hospital in your area (not a community hospital or say a urgent care center) preferably if there is one with a NICU I would head to that one. Normally hospitals with NICU will have a perinatologist on staff.

Im with others I am shocked your MW didnt immediately send you to a perinatologist. There are numerous things that can be done to stop your labor and it progressing.

Mama there is still hope, your baby hasnt been delivered yet. I would go to the hospital and demand a perinatology consult dont just let the ER docs start doing things (from experience as a ER nurse) without them calling in a specialist. thoughts to you and your baby


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ErinsJuneBug* 
not on this board - but i happened to see your post. Get your booty into a high tech hospital pronto! They can put you on medication to stop your contractions, give your baby steroids and possible put in a rescue cerclage. You have 3 weeks until viability - dont give up hope! You are still pregnant and that baby is still alive!

Totally agree with this! Thinking of you and your baby


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I totally agree with the other mamas. Get to a hospital with a level three NICU now! Do not lose hope, mama!


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

I hope no update means you are at a hospital getting help.


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## Neldavi (Jun 28, 2005)

Ok, first of all my midwives did suggest this, and I was aware of all of these options before anyway. Please don't think unkindly of my midwives, they are knowledgeable and experienced and went through everything with me, I just chose not to post all of that.

I know that this is obviously a touchy subject, and I think this is maybe not the right forum for me to talk about this. Suffice it to say that right now, I'm not in the mindset of save the life of the baby at all costs. This is where this gets touchy, because obviously I know there are some babies born at 23-24 weeks who do just fine in the long run. An extended bed rest/NICU stay would be absolutely undoable for me and my family right now. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old (the 2 year old is special needs as well - and had a stay in the PICU shortly after being born at 35 weeks).

I think I've probably said too much already, and I really hope no one takes offense. I see now that this was probably the wrong forum for me to post in. Thank you all for your concern, advice, and well-wishes. Peace, Sarah


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## BHappy (Jun 15, 2008)

dear sarah, this *is* a place for you to share. i'm willing to bet that everyone who posted in response had only good intentions and high hopes.

i'm so sorry you are having to go through this very difficult time. i will continue to hold you in my thoughts.









xoxo


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

All I can say is you need to be sure. You don't want regrets later on about this. You may not be on bedrest long once they stop the ctx and perhaps stitch the cervix. You may not have any complications and go full term after that. Nobody knows. I can't really say anything else, it hurts my heart.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I don't post much around here but I really had to say something.

Mama, seriously, I cannot stress this enough: this is NOT a path you want to walk down by choice. I'm 100% serious here. This will change your entire life - the lives of your family, your relationships with yourself; your children; future babies; your partner - everything.

I'm a positive gal at heart but I have to say, un-doable as a hospital stay might be for you, the alternative is going to be 100 times worse and last 100 times longer. I'm serious on a scale of 11 out of 10. This kind of a loss has the capacity to take the wind out of your entire life.

I wouldn't come out of the woodwork and say anything unless I felt you had to have the input. I cannot pussyfoot around this subject: I really feel like you're not understanding what the gravity of this situation actually is, because you've not "been there" - I have and others here have and I can tell you, it's the blackest of the black.

*HUGS mama* - I gotta say though, if you don't get yourself into a hospital, you really, really, really will regret it for the rest of your life.

XXXXX


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Sarah,

Speaking for all of us. I'm so very sorry if we came across as uncaring or judgmental.

I do hope that you remain pregnant for another 20 weeks and that your baby arrives at term.

To answer your questions..

I went into labor shortly after my water broke at nearly 20 weeks. Amelia was my first child so I have nothing to compare her labor to but it seems to be 'normal' laboring pain.
Labor started with bloody show, then cramping, then contractions that would come and go. Eventually the contractions became regular. I delivered naturally about 72 hours after my water broke. My biggest fear was to watcb my baby struggle to breathe and suffer, which is a possibllity at this age. Thankfully, due to a prolapsed cord, Amelia passed away whole she was inside of me in her warm and safe place. Amelia was 8 1/2 inches long
and perfect looking. Just so very small. She was very delicate.

After her birth we were able to hold her as long as we wanted. We took lots of pictures, had family meet her, and had foot/hand prints done. I really think this is a good thing to do. Many moms regret not meeting their baby. After we said goodbye we gave Amy back to the nurses (who were amazingly supportarive). We chose to have her body cremated. Having her body in the body in the house made both Dh and I feel complete. The days without her felt incomplete. We were given a folder at the hospitalwith funeral homes that offer cremation and burial for free or very low cost. The folder has other resources in it as well but I do not remember what they were and I haven't gotten to the point where I can look at Amelia's box of keepsakes yet and that's where the folder is.

After the birth I left the hospital a few hours later. It was an option for me to stay later due to my health but I needed to get out of there as soon as I could. My postpartum bleeding lasted about a week. I did have a piece of placenta pass the next day.

The biggest slap in the face was my milk coming in. My midwife, who was my doula during labor/birth (my birth was to be at a free standing birth center), suggested tight binding immeditally after I came home. I bound myself with an ace bandage and keep it on 24-7. About 4 days later my milk came in but I was not engorged do to the binding. There's a mama here to posted an amazingly healing idea for the milk before you dry up, which I followed. I expressed a small jar's worth of milk to freeze until the time we release Amelia's ashes at which time I will pour the milk over her. It was her milk and she deserves it. After I did that I drank a few cups of sage tea daily (clip off a tablespoon or two from a bunch of dried sage and then crush and seep in 6 oz of water. Add milk and sugar as it's very tart). I bound my breasts only during the day. Within 4 days my milk was nearly gone. After a week I was completly dry.

Emotionally, be ready for all types of emotions. I experienced relief, depression, anxiety, and many, many days where I felt like I was literally loosing my mind. I felt phantom kicks. Dh was scared that his wife was gone forever. There were days I didn't leave the bed. There were days that I was 'okay'. The 'okay' days slowly came closer together. Currently I mostly have 'good days'...different than 'okay' days. This difference makes sense when you're experiencing it. My bad days aren't often and it's more bad moments brought on by something...seeing a baby, remembering something, or for a reason I can't pinpoint. Overall, time really is healing me.

I do hope that you don't find yourself here. I'm so very sorry that we seem to have come across as unsupportative.










Pm me if you need to talk.


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

hi, I'm sorry I came across as judgemental...

I guess I'm coming from a place of knowing. I've had both a 2nd and 1st trimester loss. I remember a friend telling me about her 4 m/c years ago. This was before had my own m/c. I actually remember thinking, 'wow that's a bummer'. At that time I had NO idea what it would feel like. I had no idea how broken I would feel. I guess myself and women here know what that feels like. And we would not want any other women to have to join this club.
And I guess I also think you might be able to be pregnant much longer.

sorry I know this has to be hard on you. I did not mean to add to that.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I have no real advice as my baby had already passed by the time I delivered, so, I haven't been where you're at now.

I just want to offer up some support and let you know that I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. I won't tell you what you could do or what I would do, so I'll just tell you that no matter what you choose I hope you will be at peace with it.

You're in my thoughts & prayers. Peace and strength~


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

It is possible that the baby wouldnt be born if they did the cervix sewing shut thing. You can always check and see if it is possible then if not go home.

I am having a very hard time with this so I will wish you luck and hope the baby makes it and hope that you fully understand the implications of letting this baby die if you choose to do nothing.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

To answer your question of what it was like.

I went through labor at 22 1/2 weeks, DS was alive the whole time. He was alive when he was born and he looked like just a tiny, skinny, bony baby. I took him to my breast where he took a small breath and then he died. I don't know how long it was, time was not part of the experience, but I don't think it was very long.

I dilated on my own but could not push him out on my own, so I had pitocin in hopes to avoid a c-section. It worked and several hours later I was able to birth him.

They weighed him, marked his length, took his footprints and examined the placenta.

They gave me a memory box, where I had his footprints, a blanket he was wrapped in, and pictures.

I would suggest taking pictures. You may not want them, but you can always just keep them locked away, you may change your mind.

Leaving the hospital was quiet, no one really wanted to look at me. I didn't want to leave, leaving meant it was over. It was surreal to leave without my child.

It was the worst experience of my life, and has been the hardest year of my life since then.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

You're in a tough position. If you've already had a baby in the NICU and are afraid to have another preemie... I get that. Micro-preemies don't have an easy road to travel. But as some others have said, a cerclage and a few days of drugs and bedrest might make all of that moot. I don't know. Or maybe that just isn't an option for you.

Letting go is never easy, at any point. You have my sympathy, and whatever happens, you are most welcome here to share your feelings and experience. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My loss was much later, but I know the mamas here can give you accounts of what happened to them around your gestation, and I hope that helps you, too.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

I think one of the things I'd be worried about, is if you do actually go into labor, (you may not, your body might stop ctx now), but if you do, and you stay at home, of what could happen.
I don't know what age is viable, but going by Waitingforkiddos, I imagine that would be an very hard thing to watch if your baby is born breathing and is struggling. If you are at a hospital in labor, my guess is they will immediately take the babe and do what needs to be done. You do have other options, if the situation w/ nicu is too much for your family (adoption?). Or if you need help during labor like Tellara?
My loss was at 13wks, but the ctx after delivery were extremely painful for me, I'd never felt pain like that ever. I don't know that I could have gone w/o pain meds from the hospital, and I was also bleeding so much they were worried I was bleeding out. It's a good thing we rushed there and did not stay home.
I am sorry you are going through this decision.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

I agree wholeheartedly with Jay. I'm praying for you and your baby. This is hard for all of us, as many of us (even with 1st tri losses) would rather be physically maimed for life than suffer through our losses.

I worked with a patient in a nearly identical situation. Labor at 21 weeks, didn't want to endure a NICU baby, had kids at home. She continued with labor and birthed a daughter that lived 7 minutes alone (without live saving efforts) in the next room because her mother couldn't stand to watch her suffer. The patient wound up suffering a much more dramatic and damaging grief period because of the what-ifs and could-haves. It was terrible, and we were helpless. I hate to see anyone else choosing that path.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
I agree wholeheartedly with Jay. I'm praying for you and your baby. This is hard for all of us, as many of us (even with 1st tri losses) would rather be physically maimed for life than suffer through our losses.

This. A hundred million times over.

OP, I've been thinking a lot about you today. Please know that these losses can break up the best of marriages. They can destroy women who were once mentally sound. They can make daughters too scared to ever conceive. They can hurt husbands deeper than most men can heal from. As JayJay said, this is the blackest of the black. There is no going on as normal once this happens. Nothing. Is. The. Same.

Perhaps those of us who lost our babies despite our best attempts are frustrated by someone who is on the cusp of having what many of us would give our lives for...a chance of a different outcome.


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## Neldavi (Jun 28, 2005)

Thank you to those who posted their experiences, it really helps. And thank you to all of you for your concern and advice. I'm taking it all into consideration, honestly. In the end, everyone needs to choose their own path, but I'm grateful to have words of wisdom from people who have been there.

I'm taking some time off from everything, including the internet, to stay in bed and take care of myself. I may or may not go to the hospital, I really can't say at this moment. I understand, as well as I can at not having gone through it, the implications and the time constraints.

I'm sorry if I've upset anyone, the online environment is wonderful sometimes but also extremely difficult sometimes as a path to real understanding. I have lots of IRL support, so I'm signing off for now. Thank you everyone.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Neldavi* 
Thank you to those who posted their experiences, it really helps. And thank you to all of you for your concern and advice. I'm taking it all into consideration, honestly. In the end, everyone needs to choose their own path, but I'm grateful to have words of wisdom from people who have been there.

I'm taking some time off from everything, including the internet, to stay in bed and take care of myself. I may or may not go to the hospital, I really can't say at this moment. I understand, as well as I can at not having gone through it, the implications and the time constraints.

I'm sorry if I've upset anyone, the online environment is wonderful sometimes but also extremely difficult sometimes as a path to real understanding. I have lots of IRL support, so I'm signing off for now. Thank you everyone.

PM'd you - take care - you are supported in by us online, too.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I lost my twins at 22 weeks. They were dead before they were born. I would have done ANYTHING to save them had I had the opportunity. I have five sons...I would have had seven. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I had been able to do something....

Please...understand...I will agree with Jay Jay. You have no idea how much pain you will feel if you don't do everything you can. They could keep that little one in there safely. You could even go full term.

Don't just look the other way.

It almost killed me to lose them.

Hugs to you.


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## coffee.caugh (Apr 9, 2009)

Neldavi, you are in a terrible position and I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you need support in whatever you do and I hope you have that all around you IRL everyday. I know this is just the internet but I'm a real woman sitting at my computer trying to push you in the right direction.

I had a loss at 11 weeks, our first pregnancy. It was without a doubt the worst experience of my life. It changed who I was in every way. Made me love and hate differently, made me question different things I usually wouldn't, made me emotionally powerless. I could not stop thinking about my baby, about why this happened what did I do wrong why why why. The guilt and the pain is terrible, it will eat you alive. You will of course smile and go on with your life at times but that baby is never not on your mind.

I went to the ER when I started spotting, hoping there was something they could do and being so early of course there is nothing they can do. Nature took its course and I miscarried the next morning. The physical pain does not in any way match the emotional. It's a cruel thing. Your body is aching but your heart, your soul is literally breaking, turning to ash and blowing away and no one can see. It's awful. But I tried to do something, I tried to get help with it and I do hold onto that and it does help at times ".... at least I tried"

I have a baby boy now and he is amazing, my life. I sometimes think "if I had not lost the first baby, he wouldn't be here.." and its such a double edged sword. I never wanted to lose my baby but when I got pregnant 2 months later we made this new amazing little person that I can't imagine my life without.

The pain of losing a child, at any stage in pregnancy, is unmeasurable, uncountable.. you can't touch it unless you've been there. I know you are so sad right now, I know you are torn, I know all of this. But take it from these ladies and myself, try your best not to go down this road. It's terrible the lifelong things that will come with it. Your baby has a huge chance of surviving this with the proper care. We don't know your full situation, of course, and I know it's super easy to type such advice to you.. easier said than done right? But you have to make extreme strides to get yourself into the hospital or I promise you, you will regret it.

I am praying for you.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Sending you strength.

-Angela


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## Mamacitac (Aug 18, 2009)

any word? hope all is well


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