# The loss of Baby Green



## LittleLlama (Feb 27, 2006)

I haven't typed out my full story and I think I need to.

I started planning a road trip for my second trimester. I'd drive the height of the United States by myslef with my two kids and be away from home for three weeks. DH did not want to come, said it'd be too difficult to work and all kinds of other things. That's ok, I could do it. My m/s was waning and I knew the timing would be perfect for the DDC get together the whole trip was about for me to travel in prime form. Sure enough! I left April 16 and felt in my prime at 12 weeks pregnant. I had a tiny bit of spotting, enough to use a panty liner but nothing that bothered me. For almost two weeks, I drove and visited friends and family, the whole time spotting and not thinking anything of it. Finally, I arrived at my mom's house. The first morning there, a Monday, was the first time I had no spotting at all for this whole trip. It felt like her house was magic. I felt soothed just walking in the door.

Over the past two weeks, I'd met new friends who celebrated my pregnancy with me. I talked to my half sister (who I've never met) and realized we had nearly the same due date and we couldn't wait to finally meet and compare bellies. I was starting to feel flutters. My mom and my aunt and cousins and dad all saw my budding belly and we talked about new babies and made plans for them to travel to visit me after the baby was born. I felt so beautiful in the maternity clothes I dug out just before leaving on the trip.

Monday night, I went to bed thinking I had an upset stomach. I woke up at 2AM with watery blood soaking my pj pants. I ran to the bathroom in time for a clot to drop in the toilet. I knew what was happening. The fact that I had been spotting for so long finally meant something to me: I was not going to be pregnant by the end of this morning. I called and called my husband, but he was surely sleeping at home in our bed while I was sitting in the tub watching blood flow.

I finally had the sense to wake my mom and her DP and she took me to the ER. Everything I've read would have said I was having "cramps" the whole ride there, but it was contractions. It was an action my body had only previously used to get a baby out, but the other two times, those babies were ready. This one was only 14 weeks along. My mom stayed with me through the worst of it. They did a preliminary ultrasound in my actual ER room and I just sobbed and sobbed when I realized there was no baby there but the doctor wouldn't even say so. Either it was the first thing that came out in the toilet, or my baby was just part of the "mess" that I had expelled through contractions while waiting for this very unhelpful ultrasound and a nurse cleaned up. Some contractions hurt enough to make me cry, others I could talk through. I let them give me two doses of morphine anyhow. I didn't want to feel this anymore.

I don't think it really hit my mom that I'd actually lost the baby until we were in the real ultrasound room and there was a very sensitive, very quiet tech who answered all my questions about what the monitor showed in a straightforward and factual manner. He didn't make any inferrence or interpretation about what was on the screen, only the facts and in a very gentle voice. There was no baby there. There was evidence one had been there recently. He kindly noted my ful bladder and sent me off to the restroom where I passed a clot the size of a baseball. I cried out in surprise loud enough for my mom to run in to see if I was ok. I was half hoping to find a tiny body there, but it was just blood. The tech, waiting by the door, noticed I was shaken and took me back to the u/s room to point out the clot on the recording of my ultrasound to reassure me that it was only blood and nothing "important". After that I bled very little.

It's been almost a week now. I'm still in Portland and my husband is still in Phoenix. I won't see him until Friday. I've felt pretty ok with this loss so far, but I think it's building. I've been so far out of my familiar routine and people who I see regularly. DH was telling me about all the people who expressed concern at church today and I felt so bad for HIM to have to deal with this loss by himself. There's a more than small part of me that is relieved to have more time to work with my spirited toddler to get him to a better place to allow me to deal with having to care for another person in my life. There's an enormous part that doesn't know what to do with this tired looking body. I don't know what to do with the maternity clothes I packed for this trip, nearly half, but I want to get past being pregnant... but I want to have a baby near Halloween again. There would have been a 23 month difference between kids 1 & 2 as well as 2 & 3 with birthdays in October, November and December. I didn't really want to wait to have a third, I wanted it now.

It feels like day to day I'm "fine" as far as not feeling the loss too deeply, but right now, dwelling on it, I'm bawling. I don't know what to expect as time goes on. Do I stay feeling level? Do I develop a deeper sadness?

After looking through my duffel bag of all my clothes, I realized there is a lot of green. I normally don't wear green, but there were my green painted toes standing below me to prove further that the color had greatly appealed to me during this short time of pregnancy. That's when I decided my lost one was Green. Goodbye Baby Green.


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## Seie (Jun 9, 2005)

Im so sorry mama







:


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## kms7z (Mar 24, 2009)

I'm so sorry to hear this-- what a difficult time. About your feelings-- mine are similar. day to day I feel pretty fine, but usually about once or twice a day i dwell on it and it is very intense feeling. I know this is all normal and part of the process.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss, mama.







My heart goes out to you. Hugs to you, Sarah.
















Baby Green


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I'm so sorry, mama. I'm glad you got the kind tech - someone who knew how to handle your loss and your grief. Big HUGS.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I'm so very sorry mama.








baby Green


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

I'm so sorry. What a hard loss to deal with so far away from DH... Sending you all my healing thoughts.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I had a similar experience with feeling like labor, even so early. I can't imagine how much more horrifying it must have been, away from your dh, at an unfamiliar hospital.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss...


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

im so sorry.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
I had a similar experience with feeling like labor, even so early.

It IS labor. HUGS.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

yeah, it is labor. so sorry...
huge hugs.


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## LittleLlama (Feb 27, 2006)

If I weren't here with my mom, I think i'd be in a very bad state of mind. I forgot to add that they said my hgc level indicated the pregnancy probably stopped progressing about a week before.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

So sorry momma


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss of Baby Green.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm so sorry. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)




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## Gentle~Mommy :) (Apr 21, 2009)

so sad, I'm so sorry.







I'm glad your mom was with you though.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss. {{hugs}}


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I'm so sorry


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

i am so very sorry.


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## William's Mom (Oct 6, 2004)

Baby Green


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I'm sorry for the loss of your little one.














I'm so sad that you had to experience this without your husband there with you and being so far from home. I hope you are resting and taking good care of yourself. Much love to you my dear friend.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

I'm so sorry mama


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Oh, I'm so sorry.


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