# I never thought it would be me. *triggers*



## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Losing a child was something that happened to other people, until it didnt. I never paid too much attention to these forums until today, and I dont even know if this is the right place for me to post. Im so scatterbrained and inarticulate right now that I have no idea what I should even be saying. I guess I'd like to introduce myself.

We lost our baby boy at 11 weeks to unknown causes (they are currently saying SIDS, but we are still waiting on a toxicology report). We just woke up to him not breathing two weeks ago today, and all of the sudden I dont have a son anymore.

I've been through hell and I'm not quite back: the images of my limp, blue baby; a 10 minute car ride to the hospital where I tried everything to get him to breathe; the hospital room full of doctors; my husbands guttural screams; being drug to the homicide department and seperated from my husband 3 hours after my sons death; a silent 6 hour car ride home to Kentucky (we were out of state); my 2 year old asking where he is and saying she wants to see him; the process of funeral arrangements and burial; all the people who tell me this was part of gods plan; and now, life.

Just life without him is just as hard as all of the other stuff, if not even worse. I dream of his sweet face every night, but when I wake up he isnt there. And he never will be. I just dont know what to do.


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## Buzzer Beater (Mar 5, 2009)

I've been thinking of you AM.









I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## Bena (Jan 26, 2008)

There isn't really anything to do or say. We're thinking of you


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## writinglove (May 5, 2011)

Hugs to you, AM. This is the right place for you to post.

I was told something about grief that helped me immensely: grief is like reverse labor. First the contractions are intense and you don't think you can possibly bear them, and then they get easier to breath through, and then they start coming less frequently. . . .

Be gentle with yourself as the grief waves come and go. Your DS loves you, mamma.

xoxo


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## lilbsmama (Nov 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *writinglove*
> 
> I was told something about grief that helped me immensely: grief is like reverse labor. First the contractions are intense and you don't think you can possibly bear them, and then they get easier to breath through, and then they start coming less frequently. . . .


I agree. Take care, mama.


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## crayfishgirl (May 26, 2009)

There are no words, AM....I'm so, so sorry.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

I can't even imagine what you are going through.

I have been thinking of you constantly. No mother should ever have to endure what you have.

I hope you have some local support and some help with your home and daughter as you grieve.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

(((HUGS))) I haven't been through what you're going through. I just want to say that as a Christian, I don't think it's right for people to be telling you this was God's plan....

It was a horrible tragedy. I am so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine it doesn't occupy your thoughts and dreams. This is your time to mourn.


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## thebyr (Oct 4, 2011)




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## Three~Little~Birds (Jan 10, 2005)

I am soo soo sorry for you and your family. I have been thinking about you and hope that you are able to find some peace in this nightmare that you have had to endure. Life is not fair and I am so sorry that this happenned to you. I will continue to pray for you. *Hugs*


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## Emma Bryan Fuller (Dec 17, 2007)

hugs


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## Nicole730 (Feb 27, 2009)

I'm so sorry this happened.  My heart aches for you.


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## ShyingViolet (Oct 23, 2011)

You can post wherever it helps you, I'd say. We're all here for you and hurting for you.









I just can't get you and your family out of my mind. I wish there were something we could do or say. I'm so, so sorry, mama.


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## TugboatAnnie (Sep 9, 2007)

I'm so, so sorry for your terrible loss. Please know that so many hearts are going out to you right now. I wish I could take your burden away.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you and your family every day.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Oh, how horrible!! I'm so sorry.

I have been thinking a lot about God's plans, during and since my surprise pregnancy that miscarried. I do feel a sense that this was God's plan for us, and I do feel comforted by that idea. But I can see how that idea is NOT comforting in many situations; I know that in earlier crises in my life it was not comforting to me. The thing is, even if a tragedy is part of a larger plan that ultimately will turn out to be the way that's most right for everyone...NONE OF US IS GOD and we cannot see that larger plan; we are trapped in time and limited by our own awareness, so in the present place and time it very literally is true that everything is horrible and wrong.

So go ahead and rage and grieve about the horror and wrongness! It's not fair for anyone to expect you to feel all enlightened and accepting about it now!


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

The "god's plan" stuff sends me over the edge every time. I'm an atheist, you see. So is my hubby. Honestly, each friend that said that stuff to us was eventually weeded out of the friendship pile during our grieving process. Do you suppose people say that because they have nothing better to say? Or because they truly believe "the divine magician in the sky" knows better than you, the mom? My baby needed to be here. My life didn't need any "lessons to learn". My heart didn't need to be broken in that particular way.

Hugs to you Adaline's mama. Grief sucks.


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

I am so sorry. I have been thinking of you. Hug


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Wishing you healing and hope eventually mama. I hate the God's plan stuff too. I think his plan sucks. I'm so sorry.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Thanks ladies. Im dealing with the physical changes to my body this week. All the milk is pretty much gone, so my boobs look totally different than they have ever looked. It's depressing. I started my period today, which is good for knowing when I ovulate, but is saddening and is just one more reminder (like I need reminding...) of the fact that my body has already adjusted to not having a baby on the boob. Im feeling better, I guess, but Im sure it is with the help of the zoloft Im taking. I cant imagine what this period is going to be like, Ive only had two cycles in the past three years due to pregnancy and nursing. I just hope it is over fast. Every day seems to drag and drag like it will never be over. And even after its over, the next day does the same thing.


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## MrsGregory (Dec 21, 2011)

I'm sorry for what's happened to your family, and I do hope your days start to grow a little shorter, a little brighter. If not now, soon.


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## Laurski (Mar 13, 2010)

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.


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## Kindermama (Nov 29, 2004)

OMG, my heart just aches for your pain....how devastating! Lots of love from me to you! Homeopathic Ignatia is helpful for grief. I will be thinking of you!


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Thanks for all your support. These past 4 weeks have been so hard, but I feel like Im managing better now than I have been.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

Hi again. I still have your card and haven't forgotten. Waiting for the right words.

I would encourage you to check out an online chapter of Compassionate Friends. My mom found them to be very helpful when my brother died. It's a group only for folks who have lost children.

I am glad you are posting here. Reaching out is one way of getting through each moment. Like 12 step groups say, it's one day at a time or one moment at a time. Love to you.


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## 1stTimeMama4-4-10 (Feb 4, 2010)

I don't know you, but I remember you from the April 2010 ddc, or maybe LWAB around that time. My heart breaks for you. There really is nothing else to say. Tears won't stop coming right now.


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## baileyb (Dec 22, 2010)

We lost our daughter and I don't wish it on the most evil person in the world. It is absolutely awful. I went through this and I still don't know what to say.


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## baileyb (Dec 22, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> The "god's plan" stuff sends me over the edge every time. I'm an atheist, you see. So is my hubby. Honestly, each friend that said that stuff to us was eventually weeded out of the friendship pile during our grieving process. Do you suppose people say that because they have nothing better to say? Or because they truly believe "the divine magician in the sky" knows better than you, the mom? My baby needed to be here. My life didn't need any "lessons to learn". My heart didn't need to be broken in that particular way.
> 
> Hugs to you Adaline's mama. Grief sucks.


Being a christian who has lost a child I still do agree with you on the above. Especially within the first year or so of this happening, saying that God gave you a baby just to take him away was His "plan". It is completely not helpful, but I do think people say it because they have nothing else to say. Maybe after a year or two it may seem like you can sort through what all happened, etc. but, idk....


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## C is for Cookie (Jan 27, 2011)

I'm sorry for your loss.


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