# Creating a "monster" by co-sleeping?!



## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Hello!

I was at a holiday party on Friday and the subject came up about our DD who is 4 1/2 months old and is she "sleeping through the night" yet...and how their granddaugher used the CIO method and now she sleeps 12 hours. I told them we nurse, co-sleep, etc...because it works for us etc. The whole table chimed in on how we were creating bad habits, creating a monster of a kid, and not helping her to self soothe or become independent, etc. I tried to keep things real simple without sounding too defensive, but I came home a bit upset!!! Never mind that we also discussed why I'm continuing BF when I should just switch to formula and start solids now that I'll be back to work in a month...etc!!!

Anyway, just looking for some positive feedback on co-sleeping...why do you do it (it works, I know!!), do you feel you are creating bad sleeping habits later for your DC, what age did your DC sleep in a crib on their own, etc.

Hope you are enjoying the holiday season!!


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## Attached2Elijah (Jun 27, 2004)

bad habits? Hmmmm, if feeling confident, secure and loved at night is bad habits then I guess I am. Personally, when people say things like that to me, I just smile and say 'well, I guess it's a good thing I'm raising him then' and leave it at that... if they have a problem with how I raise my child, then that's their problem, not mine. They are welcome to not be a part of his life if they don't like my 'monster'.... I love co-sleeping with my almost 27 month old son... He'll be in my bed until he's ready to leave it. He does sometimes sleep in a toddler bed next to our bed but he's welcome to come in our bed whenever he wants. After 2 years of this, my family has quit saying much of anything about how I raise my son... they see he's a happy, confident, loving child so they've conceeded that my ways ARE working. My only advice is to let comments like that roll off your shoulders. Everyone always has some oppinion that made them into a better parent... but you know what works for you, don't let anyone discourage you.

I know I don't like sleeping in a cold, lonely bed... why would my son want to either? My family belongs at my side, day and night.


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## Maman*Musique (May 13, 2005)

I love waking up next to my smiling litle milk mustached MONSTER!

Really though, just because someone decided to experiment with this wooden thing with bars doesn't mean all babies belong there. I like sleeping next to a warm body and i'm a grown person. Why wouldn't my little ones like being next to one too?

Formula has a very important purpose. To feed babies that for whatever reason cannot be fed human milk. Cow milk for baby cows human milk for human babies, right?


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## APCDmama (Dec 22, 2004)

You are doing a great job! Some people can be incredibly rude.







: Remember: most members of the anti-co-sleeping crowd haven't experienced the beauty, wonder, comfort, and joy of nurturing a little one throughout the night. They are really missing out on something special! Try to shut out the negative comments which come from those who are less informed. The result of your parenting (a happy, confident, emotionally secure, attached child) will eventually speak for itself.

Also, it is ridiculous to expect a 4 1/2 month old baby to sleep through the night. Why do people even ask such a question? Some babies do sleep through from an early age, but they are the exception rather than the rule.


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## squirrelletta (Jan 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Attached2Elijah*
bad habits? Hmmmm, if feeling confident, secure and loved at night is bad habits then I guess I am. Personally, when people say things like that to me, I just smile and say 'well, I guess it's a good thing I'm raising him then' and leave it at that... if they have a problem with how I raise my child, then that's their problem, not mine. They are welcome to not be a part of his life if they don't like my 'monster'.... I love co-sleeping with my almost 27 month old son... He'll be in my bed until he's ready to leave it. He does sometimes sleep in a toddler bed next to our bed but he's welcome to come in our bed whenever he wants. After 2 years of this, my family has quit saying much of anything about how I raise my son... they see he's a happy, confident, loving child so they've conceeded that my ways ARE working. My only advice is to let comments like that roll off your shoulders. Everyone always has some oppinion that made them into a better parent... but you know what works for you, don't let anyone discourage you.

I know I don't like sleeping in a cold, lonely bed... why would my son want to either? My family belongs at my side, day and night.


Your my hero! I'll be using several of these lines during this "Oh-So-Festive" season with my inlaws and my own mother (sadly enough)too!!! Hope you don't mind! LOL


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

So I guess the vast majority of children throughout history have been monsters, eh?









I have to admit I don't understand why such a high priority is put on self-soothing. To me, part of being human is the joy of connection between people and the fact that when I am sad or tired or need soothing for any reason, that I can go to a loved one for that. When people act like they are so proud of their ability to deny their emotional need and stand as an island alone, I just feel sorry for them. I just don't get how it's a good thing.









As for the theory that children will not become independant unless forced to, well that is a total and utter bunch of crap. Recently at my husband's work party I held my 15-month-old for the first hour or so, she ducking her head into my shoulder and refusing to engage with anybody, which was fine with me (easier to keep an eye on her!) She gradually became comfortable with the scene, and pretty soon was acting like she owned the place and charming everybody. A monster? I am happy to say that my husband's co-workers would disagree. We got SO many compliments on our kids, and over and over people told us that we must be doing something right. In fact, his boss's wife was so taken with the kids that she offered several times to babysit.







The proof is in the pudding, as they say.









But really, there are so many factors that go into determining how confident a person turns out to be in being out in the world, and I think that where a baby sleeps probably isn't going to make or break that. But what AP does make a difference in is what kind of person that child becomes emotionally, what kind of relationships they seek out, and how they conduct themselves in those relationships. To me it's good thing for people to be interconnected and have emotional attachments. I want to do what I can to make our life together first and foremost about love. If the critics don't like it, what should I care?


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

I forgot to answer your questions --

We co-sleep because it makes us feel good! I just wrote a blog post on this, so I'm not going to repeat it all here, but feel free to go to my blog and read it.









Does it create bad sleeping habits? Well, that depends on what you regard as bad sleeping habits. If you don't like it, I guess it's a "bad" habit. If you like it, it's not. We don't have any bad habits here, because we like what we're doing.







We like lying down with each other at bedtime and snuggling and talking and singing each other to sleep. We like feeling each other near in the night and the warmth of each other's bodies. The baby and I like the ease and intimacy of nursing in bed. We like that the kids (aside from the nursing baby) sleep soundly and through the night.

Let's see, ages... my boys slept in the same bed with me through my third pregnancy, so they would have been 2 and 4. When the baby was born, they then alternated nights sleeping beside me. When I became pregnant with our fourth, both boys (then ages 5 and 7) went full-time to their own beds, although still in the same room with me. My 4-year-old daughter still sleeps with me and the baby, though she's been talking about moving to her own bed, so maybe that will happen soon.


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## royaloakmi (Mar 2, 2005)

I remember being SO HAPPY when people finally stopped asking me if my twins were sleeping through the night!!!

People treat you like some loser parent if you can't "make" your kid sleep. Personally, I think a lot of people who do CIO feel pretty guilty about it and that's why they attack co-sleeping and AP style nightime parenting. (And CIO is no guarantee anyway.)

You're doing great. If everyone is happy with what you're doing, why change it?

Mine are now 2 years old and when they have questions about their playmates' cribs or big kid beds, and I explain that their friends sleep all by themselves in bed, they look at me like I'm crazy. (Like, "WHO on earth would want to do that??!") It's pretty funny.


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## kathirynne (Dec 29, 2004)

I was extremely blessed in that all 4 of my babies slept through the night by the time they were 2 weeks old...but ONLY when they were in bed with me!!









As for whether co-sleepers grow up to be monsters, the proof is, indeed, in the pudding, as someone else said. My two eldest boys are 13 and 12 (next month) and I repeatedly get compliments on how wonderful my children are!!









The question I have, though, is how old is "too old" to co-sleep? All three of the boys were "over it" by the time they were about 3 1/2, but my daughter turned 5 on Sunday, and she has no interest at all in sleeping anywhere but in the "big bed" with Mumma. It's a King, so I really don't mind sharing, but I am wondering if I should be encouraging her to sleep in her bed, or just let her decide that for herself? (I'm really more inclined toward the latter option, despite the fact that my was-band and his new wife insisted that my daughter sleep alone during her visitation with them this summer, owing to the fact that she "needs to learn to sleep alone."







: Funny, though, that THEY don't sleep alone.....







)


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## morning glory (Dec 8, 2005)

I've found that if I know a situation is going to turn into a "here is how you fix that" type of deal its easier to lie.

When someone asks the sleeping through the night question just say "Yup, everything is great. Sleeping straight through. Thanks for asking." What are they going to do? Come to your house and check?

Or if you don't like flat out lying just say "Oh, she sleeps like a baby" with a happy look on your face like thats a good thing. Because really, waking up every two hours IS sleeping like a baby!

As far as co-sleeping creatng a monster...I can't see it. I think it makes secure kids who know that Mom and Dad want to look after them all the time not just when it doens't cut into something they want to do (like sleep for 10 hours). My sister did cry it out and her three year old doesn't sleep any more or better than my three year old who slept with us (and still does sometimes). And we have the added bonus that we didn't have to listen to hours of crying.

Casey


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## morning glory (Dec 8, 2005)

RE: Co-sleeping age limit

I think your daughter will know when its time for her to move to her own bed (but I think you already knew that too). Just give her the choice and make sure that her bed is a comfy happy place.

As for kids needing to learn things like independance...how is she learning anything if you (or the x) are forcing her to do it? She might be learning but its not that she should sleep alone its that Dad doesn't care how she feels.

As for the situation at the Dad's place...unless he is willing to hear you out there is probably not a whole lot you can do about that. And its sad to say but this is how she will learn where she stands with Dad. Its their relationship and as much as you would like it to be a certain way you don't really get a say. I wonder how much it has to do with dd needing to "learn to sleep alone" and how much it has to do with new wife "wanting to be alone."

Casey


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

You're preventing a monster, not creating one.
http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/faq.html#effects


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## Attached2Elijah (Jun 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *morning glory*
RE: Co-sleeping age limit

I think your daughter will know when its time for her to move to her own bed (but I think you already knew that too). Just give her the choice and make sure that her bed is a comfy happy place.

As for kids needing to learn things like independance...how is she learning anything if you (or the x) are forcing her to do it? She might be learning but its not that she should sleep alone its that Dad doesn't care how she feels.

As for the situation at the Dad's place...unless he is willing to hear you out there is probably not a whole lot you can do about that. And its sad to say but this is how she will learn where she stands with Dad. Its their relationship and as much as you would like it to be a certain way you don't really get a say. I wonder how much it has to do with dd needing to "learn to sleep alone" and how much it has to do with new wife "wanting to be alone." Casey


Well honestly, as a step-mother, I don't think that's unreasonable for the new wife to expect. I absolutely adore co-sleeping with my son, however... I would not feel comfortable doing so with my step-children... especially if DH's ex is somewhat bitter, then there's the potential of being accused of things when co sleeping. Not saying OP would do that at all but as a step-mother, I know that we also have to protect ourselves sometimes. And if she doesn't have children, she may not be comfortable with the whole sleeping with a child issue. I know before I had my own child, I could never understand why someone would want to sleep with their children... of course, now I know better but sleeping with someone else's child is not quite the same as it is when it's your own.

I also have to say if, god forbid, something were to happen and DH and I were to get a divoce and he was to get remarried, I don't think I would be comfortable with my son sleeping in the same bed as the new wife unless I knew her really well and trusted her. Then again, I can't imagine having to send my baby away from home either so the thought scares me.... but personally, I think I would teach her to sleep on her own allbeit just for the summer.


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## megpaw (Apr 19, 2005)

We co-sleep with our 2.5 year old twins and we will with our new baby, whenever s/he arrives. DD's are showing some signs that they may soon be ready to sleep in their own bed, but we're not quite there yet. I predict that they will probably be sharing a bed in their own room sometime in the next year. As far as dependence/independence goes, I've found that my dd's are very independent. In fact, they are more independent than almost all of our friends children that slept in cribs. I really think that they are able to separate more easily from dh and I and explore their worlds independently because they know that we are always there for them when they need us.


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies.







I'm going to keep this thread "saved" for the times I need some encouragement! It was cute this morning....DD slept "later" than usual....went into the bedroom to get some clean clothes, and she was just laying there in our bed, looking at her hands, and saw me, and smiled. She looked like a big kid and so content!!! I didn't even hear her on the monitor!!! I'll try to remember these moments, also! Happy co-sleeping!!


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

my 7.5 yo told me the other night that he never has liked sleeping alone and never will....it made me sad b/c i am trying to get him to see some benefit....not that i would like it either.
rach


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Creating a monster? Well, maybe, but a very cute and cuddly monster! If you count Elmo, then I had two monsters in bed with me last night.









People constantly tell me how polite, sensitive, and well behaved my children are. DS' preschool teacher's assistant (she's been his TA for the last 2 years) absolutely adores him- he's just so cuddly and lovable!

I've seen toddlers and preschoolers who go to their "loveys" for comfort and don't want to be touched when they're upset. Babies who won't let their mothers "baby" them! I'm very glad that my 4yo is so snuggly, even though the closeness is overwhelming at times.


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

"It's a King, so I really don't mind sharing, but I am wondering if I should be encouraging her to sleep in her bed, or just let her decide that for herself?"

What am I wondering is, what made you think to ask that question in the first place? Do you have specific concerns about her sleeping with you?


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

In what universe does ignoring somebody who is crying for you make them independent. It would make me bitter and insecure. What makes me feel independent is feeling nurtured and listened to.

ps-you're not alone about the family problems. Everytime my MIL visits she says "so would you like my help setting up DS's own room"


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

: Tell them all to bugger off!

I am starting to lose my patience with comments/ questions like that lately.

I usually say something like --

Isn't it sad that in our society when a person says their cat/ dog sleeps in bed with them and their baby is in a cage (crib) down the hall... they are accepted as normal. But when the animals are on the floor and the baby in snuggled in mom & dad's bed that is seen as bad?


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## frowningfrog (Aug 25, 2005)

thats just rediculious...I love my monster.

I co sleep because I want to..and I can...why should I have my lil baby in another room far from the safety, and comforts of me. or in a thing with bars so when she looks out she gets a distorted view of me ...Maybe I look like a monster to her from in there...
I also rock my dd2 to sleep , even at nap time..she doesnt need anyone to teach her how to sleep. that is the most rediculous thing I have heard.

My 9 yr old has no problem going to sleep in her own room. she slept with me till she was almost 5. This child is far from being a monster.

They are just jealous...


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## Charles Baudelaire (Apr 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Abylite*
Hello!

I was at a holiday party on Friday and the subject came up about our DD who is 4 1/2 months old and is she "sleeping through the night" yet...and how their granddaugher used the CIO method and now she sleeps 12 hours. I told them we nurse, co-sleep, etc...because it works for us etc. The whole table chimed in on how we were creating bad habits, creating a monster of a kid, and not helping her to self soothe or become independent, etc. I tried to keep things real simple without sounding too defensive, but I came home a bit upset!!! Never mind that we also discussed why I'm continuing BF when I should just switch to formula and start solids now that I'll be back to work in a month...etc!!!

Anyway, just looking for some positive feedback on co-sleeping...why do you do it (it works, I know!!), do you feel you are creating bad sleeping habits later for your DC, what age did your DC sleep in a crib on their own, etc.

Hope you are enjoying the holiday season!!

I'm sure your company would be horrified to know that I still sleep with my dd, who just turned five. We bought her her very own futon, which she sleeps in from time to time, but at least for now, she likes snuggling with Mom (that's me).

I can say this definitively: co-sleeping is one of the best things we decided to do (some of the other really good decisions: extended breastfeeding, sling-wearing -- we still sling her -- and homeschooling). I can't tell you how many times in the night she's turned over and had the beginnings of a bad dream and I've been able to soothe it away, how many times I'm glad for this time to snuggle together. What people don't somehow seem to realize is that some day their kids will be gone. Period. Their much-vaunted "independence" will take them away from home and that's it. Childhood isn't something like a book that you can go back to and re-read. Once they're grown, those opportunities for snuggling with them don't come back any more. I don't know -- I'm almost 40 and if it gives me any wisdom (HA!) or perspective (HA!), at least I know that time passes.

Do what your heart says.


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## vermonttaylors (May 17, 2005)

I feel your pain sister!

DH and I may be the only people I know trying to get their toddlers INTO their bed, not out. Both our kids are adopted and before they came home I had visions of all of us sleeping in a big bed together like the perfect family I imagined we'd be. HA! It took us almost 9 months to get ds to sleep with us. It really freaked him out at first. He LOVED his crib and his privacy. He looked like he was thinking "Who ARE you people and why are we in bed together?" Now that he is almost 2 he has moved himself in and we are all finally getting some sleep. DD has always slept through the night. She sleeps with us when we are travelling, but gets really sad at home because her brother kicks her so much and she really likes her sleep. i'm hoping Santa brings me a kin size bed so we can all fit comfortably.

Here is what I have noticed. On days when DS has NOT slept with us he is irritable, insecure and fussy. On days when he has, he is sweet, loving and happy. I try to snuggle dd as much as possible to make up for the lack of nightime bed sharing. That makes a HUGE difference in her days too.

People are CONSTANTLY telling me that if we let them sleep with us it will ruin my relationship with dh and the kids will never sleep alone. Honestly, I find it very hard to imagine my kids at 16 and 17 wanting to sleep between their parents. And as far as my relationship with dh, the bed has NEVER been our preferred spot for.....let's just call it "relations."









Keep on keeping on. Do what works for you and, as someone else already said, tell them all to "bugger off!"


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

My little brother never slept in a crib on his own. By the time he was ready to leave the family bed, he was much too old for a crib.

He, by the way, was an immensely independent child and now as an adult has no problems falling asleep on his own.


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## kathirynne (Dec 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby*
Isn't it sad that in our society when a person says their cat/ dog sleeps in bed with them and their baby is in a cage (crib) down the hall... they are accepted as normal. But when the animals are on the floor and the baby in snuggled in mom & dad's bed that is seen as bad?


I hadn't ever thought of it from this perspective. It makes me feel much better about my choice.


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## kathirynne (Dec 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fourlittlebirds*
"It's a King, so I really don't mind sharing, but I am wondering if I should be encouraging her to sleep in her bed, or just let her decide that for herself?"

What am I wondering is, what made you think to ask that question in the first place? Do you have specific concerns about her sleeping with you?

I guess I was just second-guessing myself. Hearing someone else say "she needs to learn to sleep by herself" made me wonder whether it was true.


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## mamatosaskia (Sep 20, 2005)

I just don't tell people where dd sleeps. My mil (who I can't stand) is coming to stay with us in a few weeks and we have decided to lie and tell her we brought dd in to our room so she can have the second room all to herself.

I adore my dd and I think she has an amazing personality. She is so loving and happy, to heck with those who want to rain on our parade. I have tons of friends who did the cry it out method, and they seem to be constantly justifying what they did. I agree with a pp that sleep isn't a make or break deal. There are tons of kids whose parents did make them cio who are great kids. For me, I chose to follow an ap-style parenting method because it just sits right with me. I don't want to look back on my dd's childhood and feel like it was frought with heartbreaking parenting decisions that in the end werent' necessary.

I say stick with your gut, you know best.

j


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## theelfqueen (Dec 4, 2002)

I tend to say "He sleeps fine" when people ask about sleeping arrangements and leave it at that. We have a crib in our bedroom -- mostly he sits in it while I get dressed.
But the presence of the crib tends to block some of the questions.


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## JJMama (Nov 19, 2001)

I just have to tell you that I have co-slept for 8 years and my 8 year old, 5 year old and 2.5 year old are three of the most independent and happy children I have ever met (of course I think that cause I am their mother, but lots of people comment to me on how independent they are.) But really, I always feels so good when I see how confident and comfortable my kids are in the world and I honestly attribute much of that to co-sleeping - I am 3 for 3. No separation issues, no clinginess.

I have no regrets and 2 kids still sleeping in my bed. I know this time will end before I know it, so I savor every single minute (even the sleepless nights, endless nursing, getting kicked in the head................).


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## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

My oldest "Monster" wakes up every morning, and wants to "nuggle" with her mommy and baby sister. Scary.


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## Karennnnn (Jan 2, 2002)

I don't know if this has been mentioned because I've only skimmed the post, but the most interesting thing about co-sleeping arguements is this...
When we're adults we're expected to sleep in the same bed as our partners. If we don't, others begin to wonder about our relationship, and not even necessarily in a sexual sense.
Now, if I sleep in the same bed as my husband is that going to make me regress into being a dependant, too-needy individual?? No. Of course not!!!
So we're expected to sleep in a different room, cry it out, etc when we're babies, but when we get older we "get" to do all of those things we couldn't as kids???? Such as...
eat on demand (my personal favorite; I mean who eats on a schedule??)
sleep with our loved ones
be held by our loved ones when we need it
wake up during the night for a snack or for a cuddle (and who sleeps through the night anyway either lol!!!!)
So as adults these things are acceptable, but as babies/toddlers/kids it's bad for us because we'll grow into... wait a minute... we'll grow into adults! Adults who get to do all of the above and no one cares! It's a huge oxymoron.
Take care,
Karen


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## erinely (Sep 27, 2005)

Hi,
In many other countries through out the world the entire family sleeps in the same room.

My kids are older now 11 and 15. It was my husband who was thoughtful about the cosleeping with our first child. I was the crib person...but of course that all changed. I have tried everything, cosleeping, bed on the side, bed in the same room. I would say that they all work when the time is right. I find it somewhat crazy to have to force stages to happen before the child is ready. It really seems that it is up to the mother and the child to figure this out and each child is ready at a different time.

My now 11 year old was out of our bed earlier but now...she has been back in our room on a pad on the floor, because we moved to a new house and she did not want to be downstairs from us...we had a one level house before this...now she is sleeping on the couch in the living room....

my 15 year old stayed in our room longer but once he left that was it.

My point is that it will be different for everyone. I cannot imagine a baby in a room all alone at night, it just goes against human nature...if you look back at historical times...say cavemen, if your baby was not right next to you they would be eaten by a wild animal or something....

believe me, kids will do things when they are ready and I think that forcing them to make progress before they are ready is only a BIG struggle and does not serve any good purpose. We inately know what feels right to us and it is good to follow your heart and intuition and not listen too much to others because you are the person most connected to your child. That is a very powerful thing, that connection of a mother to her child.

I have extended BF both my kids, cosleep, homeschooled until 3 years ago...I know my kids very well and I LOVE that. As they get older I look back fondly on the mornings we would wake up and snuggle, because we were doing the family bed. It's great, take the time to enjoy them while they are young because you cannot go backwards.

Follow your heart and all will be well.

Warm regards,
Erin


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## tammrat (May 25, 2005)

times new roman
My husband and I co-sleep with our 5 1/2 month daughter. Each month I promise him I will have her in her crib but haven't even attempted it yet. I stopped telling people she still sleeps with us when they ask "how she sleeps at night." I am breastfeeding which I intend to do as long as she's interested; and it's much more convenient especially since I went back to work. I'd rather roll over and nurse then have to get up out of bed and go into another room. I would, however, like to be able to sleep next to my husband one day, as would he. I'm not sure how to get my daughter transitioned into the crib now. Any suggestions?


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## ursimama (Jul 1, 2005)

Ugh. So sorry you are dealing with that. A friend of mine has a great response:
"Wow. Any infant or toddler who sleeps that much must be depressed. All that crying must have taught her that she has no alternative but to sleep through her loneliness. That is something I would never do to my child."
Hope that helps.


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## all boys (Jan 5, 2006)

Sorry you had to deal with that....its is so annoying how qucikly everyone thinks they are an expert on something they have never done...

Add us to the parents who are raising a monster....I do have to say he is a pretty cute cuddly monster....


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## mariamaroo (Aug 15, 2004)

The best response I've heard to the 'is she sleeping through the night yet?' is "No, are you?" Because the fact is that no one sleeps through the night. Not infants, not toddlers, not adults. I'm happy that I don't have to wake up every time my 2 year old wakes up, because I'm right there and she can get soothing, nursing, cuddling without my having to get up and respond to her, and she doesn't have to get frantic in order to get what she needs.

My philosophy has been a selfish one from the start: I have no desire to get out of my warm cozy bed, walk down a hall, turn on lights, and get completely woken up in order to settle my child. I just don't have that high a tolerance for sleep deprivation!

Seriously, no one has to know what happens in your house, in your bedroom. You can lie, avoid the question, redirect the topic, anything you want, and you are a grownup, you are the parent, and you are allowed to make the choices for your family. A great answer to any of that stuff is "It works for us"


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## Mrs_Hos (May 3, 2004)

My original reasons for co-sleeping were similar to others--closeness, ease of BFing, better sleeping etc. We still co-sleep with her, although we have added to our reasons:
DH gets to cuddle her more--he works 12 hr shifts in the Air Force.
Easy to get to her if we have a major problem...fire, robbers, major storm. In fact I have a sling in our bedroom if we ever had to climb out the window! I can strap all 35lbs of her on my back if I need to!







heehee

Ok, sounds dramatic, and will probably never happen, but I thought I'd bring up some other reasons I like cosleeping!


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## elkay (Oct 3, 2004)

i love sleeping with my four-year-old and feel that it has made me much more receptive to touch beyond sexuality. that is, my husband and i never snuggled during the night before my son was born - we slept in the knife and fork position instead of the spoons position, as a comedian has it - but now i think, when my son eventually moves out to his own bed, my husband and i will be much more snuggly, because i have enjoyed the nighttime reassurance of connection so much. when i look at my son's sleeping vulnerability, i wonder how anyone can let her child sleep so far away.
for me, as well, the questions have stopped, thank god. however, i still felt vindicated lately when ferber amended his position on CIO, but i was mature enough NOT to copy the article and pass it on to my MIL.


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## WebMommy (Jan 17, 2006)

It seems that all the posts I've read seem to think that there is either cry-it-out or co-sleeping. But there is definitely a middle ground. Both of my girls (1 and 3) sleep in their own bedrooms. The bigger one has a bed and the little one is in a crib. I never let them cry it out, and they finished sleeping with me by 3 months. I am always there for them when they cry or fuss, or even if they just call out "Mama" - but at the same time, I have a few hours each night to work, spend time with my husband, work around the house, or go out for coffee. It is also much easier with Grandma or our trusted babysitter because they go to bed so easily - there is not a huge expectation for mama to be in the bed every night.

I respect your choices to co-sleep, but please don't lump the rest of us as CIO parents. I always sooth my children, I just choose to put them back in their beds when I am done. And most mornings we do pile into my bed - awake - and spend some time snuggled together.


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## Pam (Mar 29, 2004)

I remember facing the same criticism when my son was young. Some people seem to see it as a personal achievement to get a child to sleep through the night. All children are different and have different issues. For some, sleep is an issue. We started co-sleeping because our son woke up so frequently and I got more sleep if he was right next to me. He didn't sleep 'through the night' until he was 2 years old. I sometimes wondered if it took this long because we co-sleep, but I've spoken to other parents who didn't co-sleep who had children that took as long to sleep through the night too. Some children, I think, are just wired that way. Around 21 months, I did start offering substitutes for night-nursing since I was getting worn out, and I knew he didn't physically need to nurse at night. I think he was sometimes rousing because it was convenient and pleasant to nurse, and it's been better for both of us since he stopped night nursing.
Regarding the BFing. How anyone can still be critical of BFing when even pediatric doctors recommend it for at least one year, is just beyond me. Heck, even formula companies have to tell you that BFing is best! The only problem with BFing in the US is that women aren't given enough support to continue it. Working FT and BFing is a challenge, and if you're prepared to do it, then you should be applauded rather than discouraged. Find a powerful enough pump, work out someplace pleasant to pump, and don't be embarrassed. You'll get used to it, and so will the people around you, and your child will benefit from reduced sickness (my 32 month old weaned 7 weeks ago and just got his first ear infection), better brain development and the closeness that you can both enjoy. As for solids, my advice is don't rush it. My family seemed to think that I was abusing my son by not starting him on solids until 5.5 months. Even then, we had to abandon it for another month since he wasn't ready and just couldn't process it. I didn't really enjoy how much he nursed for the next month, but when we tried again at 6.5 months eveything went fine.
Unfortunately, many people have been a parent, so nearly everyone feels qualified to give you advice on your own parenting (whether you want it or not). The best advice any can give you is to do what feels right for you and for your child personally.


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## hesterprynne68 (Sep 14, 2005)

ok- so what do you do when they get a little older but you want to have sex? how old is too old- or do you have sex during the day?


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## Maman*Musique (May 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hesterprynne68*
ok- so what do you do when they get a little older but you want to have sex? how old is too old- or do you have sex during the day?

You get creative. The bed (in the bedROOM) is for sleeping in our house.

nak


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## theelfqueen (Dec 4, 2002)

A friend of mine always says "You have SEX in your BED? We sleep in ours." Cracks me up -- really there are plenty of other places and times to have sex besides in the bed -- the shower, the floor, the couch, the laundry room... etc... etc... etc...


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## Pam (Mar 29, 2004)

We have sex in my son's bedroom since he's not using it


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## hesterprynne68 (Sep 14, 2005)

The baby is only 4 months now and he knows we are doing something. At the point at which he could talk I think it would be too weird.


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Didn't make it through the whole thread yet, but before I finish it all have to jump in ... we were told we were creating a monster by nursing exclusively.








:



















People can be so silly sometimes.

YKWIM?


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## ZachsMom (Jan 24, 2005)

Oh my goodness, Ladies. I can relate to every one of your posts and it's wonderful to feel the support out there.

We never thought of sharing our bed with our children; however, after our midwife handed him back to us after checking him out, there was no doubt where he would sleep -- snuggled next to us. We've gone back and forth on whether to keep him in our bed (usually after my MIL has worn us down) but always end up with the same response -- we're not ready to have him sleep in his own room. Sometimes our now 15 month old does sleep in his toddler bed (right next to our bed), but always ends up back in the "big bed" before the night's end.

Our son is the most gentle, thoughtful, confident little boy and I attribute a lot of that to the love he feels from us during the day and night.

I know it's tough hearing the same 'ole crap from other people who don't believe in the same philosophies in raising their children; and sometimes it does wear you down. But as a few other people on this post have stated so eloquently -- we need to tell them all to "bugger off".







..with love, of course.


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

Grrr - what is it with people and their advice about "teaching" babies? I have recently come to realize that I shouldn't be teaching my babies anything about sleep; they are teaching us exactly what they need, namely to be close to mom and dad at night. And by meeting their needs, they're learning to trust us, to turn to people (instead of things) when they need comfort, and that comforting someone when they're crying is the right thing to do. These seem like more important lessons than the lesson of how to sleep through the night...


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## Nelybel (Oct 16, 2003)

Yet one more experience to add. I was tremendously stressed about the sleep 'thing' when my ds was born. After reading a ton (mostly here) I began to relax and enjoyed following my instincts which were to hold and sleep with my baby as much as possible. He wasn't the greatest sleeper in the world and sometimes I felt like I spent the entire first year of his life helping him sleep. However, it has been fun to see him gradually drift into better and more consistent (and yes - even "independent") sleep patterns. It just seems to happen. In its own time.

About 2/3 of the way through my pregnancy with #2, we put a bed on the floor for ds (room-wise, my husband just could not fathom sleeping with 4 in the bed...and to be honest I was a little doubtful too. We all like our space.) Anyway - we gave him lots of chances for him to be in either place and we both slept with him down there and within a couple of weeks he always chose 'his' bed versus the 'big' bed. Fast forward to now and he is almost 3 and sleeping in his own room. And to my surprise there was absolutely no effort or trauma involved in the transition. I guess he was ready. If dd hadn't been on the way he might have slept with us longer. She probably will as this is probably our last child.

The point is - if I relaxed and just sort of adapted as needs changed, it has gone very well. I used to just say "she/he sleeps great" to avoid the hassle with opinionated outsiders. Now I'm a little braver since things have gone so well. I think co-sleeping is great and I also think my child loving his own bed is great too. Good luck.

J


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## soladeo (Feb 19, 2005)

"If it's good enough for the Virgin Mary and Sarah, it's good enough for me."

This is what I'm going to start saying when people bug me about co-sleeping, breastfeeding a toddler and babywearing- I "mis"quote the old revival song, "Give Me that Old Religion"









It's true though- many of our "modern" institutions are not very biblical.

OK, Sarah had a concubine...I know. Not a practice we endorse today. But we don't endorse a lot of practices of Biblical people- though we are good at picking and choosing- different topic, sorry.

Still, how can you say the Virgin Mary, exemplary model of motherhood, and Sarah, matriach of the Jewish people, were wrong????


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## soladeo (Feb 19, 2005)

Just had to reply again. Our "monster" tells us when he wants to take a nap and go to sleep "night-night." Instead of fighting him as SO many parents do to GO TO SLEEP, he just does it. I think he feels comfortable with sleeping.

Now to be fair, I was horrible to get to sleep, because I never wanted to miss anything.(still have trouble) So I'm not saying that co-sleeping will make a little angel who just goes to sleep, but I think it would be a tremendously difficult if he had his own bed. I might add, he's only 16 mos, so things may change.

My mom couldn't believe he tells us when he wants to sleep, or when he was hungry. Funny, because she's the one who suggested (strongly-I might add) we co-sleep, nurse, and sign. She never did such things with my brother and I, and wishes she did.


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## TheMoMo (Feb 1, 2002)

Co-sleeping has been one of the best parts of parenting for us, and it most certainly didn't create any 'sleep monsters'. My son moved to his toddler bed next to our bed when he was almost 4, then shortly after to his own bed in his own room. No tears, no issues...a very peaceful, natural transition. He's 7 now and still loves to cuddle, but far prefers sleeping by himself.

My daughter will be 4 in March and she's been in her own room for a few months now. It was her idea and it's worked wonderfully...I thought she was a bit young, but she's more mature than my ds was and she was definitely ready. She still naps in my bed (with me...I love our naps!) but at night she loves sleeping in her own bed. She also used the toddler bed in our room for about six months before moving on.

We're due with our third baby in 6 weeks or so and he'll definitely be sleeping in with dh and I. We've never had sleep issues in our house, we're all very well rested, no stress, no crying...for us, the family bed is the only way to go!

Maureen


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## karinasusy (Jul 12, 2005)

My 7.5 year old still crawls into bed with me if he wakes up during the night. Only just when he turned 7 has he felt confident going to sleep in his own bed in his own room. He nursed until age 4.3 years.

Of course I think he is the most fabulous child ever, but just to give some outside perspective I will share what his grade 2 teacher has told me (she was also his grade 1 teacher). She said that he is the most well rounded student she has ever met. When I first met his teacher, she also said that she never gives out "A"s. Well, she certainly has given a lot of them to my son!


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## hopesam (Feb 3, 2006)

wow your family sounds a bit like mine. I do have to say that when we decided to cosleep with our now 2 1/2yr. old I was worried that she would never be able to sleep alone and all that. The only reason these ideas entered my mind though was because I heard too many bleats from all the sheep who are comfortable shipping there sweet babies off to another room in the house from day one. When she was ready to move to her own bed she made it very clear, and is a very (very) independent little girl now. Don't even get me started on the issue of starting formula and solids. I got so many rude remarks and comments about my choices on these matters. Hold your own, be strong, and don't ever let them make you think that you are wrong in your choices. Everyone has a right to make the choices that suit them.


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