# Can't shake the feeling something is wrong...



## Spark (Nov 21, 2001)

Ok, I post a lot, but somehow this one is a TOUGH post to write!!! I'll just take a deep breath and let this all spill. Whew. Ok. Taking a risk here, this isn't all too positive.

I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong with this baby. I'm not one for worry. It's just not my bag, but I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. From the get go I felt like mabye I would miscarry. I have had a pretty rocky start to my pregnancy with Hyperemisis and landing in and out of the hospital. While my body was in crisis, I felt like the baby's body was, too. Now that I'm more stable Istill feel like something is wrong. I just have awful morbid thoughts, like when an outfit arrived for the baby,I had this flash of, "That would be a sweet burial outfit." I SWEAR, I'm not depressed. I have no reason to think that this baby is anything other than healthy! I'm getting frustrated with myself!

THEN I read something in another Due Date thread how people who miscarry or have a stillbirth a lot of them feel this way from. But, the realistic side of me says, that MANY people must feel this way and go on to have healthy viable infants!

Please vote in my poll. And, feel free to share your thoughts, too! Thank you! (please, be kind and don't think I'm a freak!)


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## Bella Luna (May 17, 2004)

No wisdom here, just a


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

I have felt things where wrong then gone on to find nothing was then with one pregnancy I just couldnt bond or tell we where expecting, I later mc









We have intuition for a reason IMO. Thought we at times are just worry worts and that gets us no where

I have no advice just a


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## Artisan (Aug 24, 2002)

No help either, just














. I definitely don't think you are a freak.


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

Just wanted to say,I too had these thoughts and had a perfecly healthy beautiful 9 1/2 pound baby boy


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## broodymama (May 3, 2004)

When I was 30 weeks I had a feeling one afternoon that something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it, couldn't explain it, just a deep instinctive feeling that something was wrong. Of course DH didn't really believe me since it was my first pregnancy, and I almost didn't believe myself because there were no symptoms or feelings I could describe. That evening I finally called my midwife's office and went into the hospital to be checked. I was in preterm labor - contractions 5 minutes apart (but I couldn't feel them), 2 cm dilated and 75% effaced. I spent a week in the hospital on mag sulfate and then 5 weeks on bedrest at home, taking Terbutaline. DS was born full term and healthy at 39 weeks.









I, for one, am a firm believer in always listening to my intuition. I've found that the more I listen to it (even if just to check on something that turns out to be nothing) the more intuitive I get. Kind of like use it or lose it, KWIM? Are you seeing a midwife (or OB) that you could talk to?








Here's hoping you have a healthy pregnancy.


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## spero (Apr 22, 2003)

No, and there *was* something wrong.

I consider myself a pretty intuitive person, but I never had an inkling that my fourth baby would be born with a (relatively unknown) congenital lung defect.

And let me tell you, I was mighty pissed that I wasn't "tuned in" to the fact during my pgy.








best wishes for an uneventful pgy and healthy baby.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I have experienced the exact same fears. All three babies have healthy.


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

I had this feeling very strongly with my second little guy. Very similar to what you described. My son was completely healthy.
Hugs for you....


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## MamaTaraX (Oct 5, 2004)

With my second son I did have a bad vibe feeling, not long before he was born. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong instead of just knowing that something was wrong. Nothing was desperately wrong, he was, however, malpositioned (ROP) and I think unhappy about it for a bit. I had prodromal labor with him for 12 days, off and on during that time I'd have little negative twinges, I think while he was trying to turn and couldn't. When I went into labor I knew he was positioned wrong but I felt that all was well and at peace. He flipped, my water broke, and he came out in a matter of about 5 minutes









I completely beleive in listening to your instincts, they are there for a reason. Almost every single loss story I have read or been told has had the mom talking about how she instinctively knew something wasn't right but pushed the thought away or didn't know what to do about it or something like that. If you think something is wrong, do whatever you need to do to find out what it is, even if it is simply making peace with whatever the outcome may be.
Best wishes to you and to all the mamas out there!
Namaste, Tara
mama to Doodle (6), Butterfly (23mos) and Rythm (due at home 1/06)


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## ceilydhmama (Mar 31, 2003)

I felt strongly from the moment I conceived my daughter that I was never meant to hold her. Then when she was born I was terrified she would die suddenly.
She is now nearing four and I feel like I can *almost* trust that this amazing little sprite will be in my life forever.

Not discounting intuition, but I think loving a child is such an intense, all encompassing thing that the thought of losing them is almost unimaginable. I think our hearts and minds sometimes play tricks on us, as we slip into falling in love yk? It's a type of safety net. "If I don't completely believe things will be ok, then I protect myself a little if something goes wrong."

Obviously there is no real protection and sometimes you need to decide if you are intuitively sensing that you need to do something, or if you need to let the feeling go and risk loving completely.

Motherhood is a risk. We are putting ourselves out for the greatest love, and the greatest pain we'll ever know.


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## mamaroni (Sep 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ceilydhmama*
Not discounting intuition, but I think loving a child is such an intense, all encompassing thing that the thought of losing them is almost unimaginable. I think our hearts and minds sometimes play tricks on us, as we slip into falling in love yk? It's a type of safety net. "If I don't completely believe things will be ok, then I protect myself a little if something goes wrong."

I think ceilydhmama is right on.

claire, a thousand







to you. trust yourself, mama. I love you!! and I cannot wait to meet that little one of yours.


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## Mrs Dimples (Apr 17, 2004)

I have never had any feeling like this. I am normally very optimistic, and not a worrier, so if I ever did feel like this let me tell you I would be FREAKING out.









I just wanted to send you a hug and tell you that I will be thinking about you and your little baby. There is no justice in the world if there is anything wrong with anyone in your family.


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## mamaverdi (Apr 5, 2005)

I posted in a thread recently (last week maybe) about my experience with knowing something was wrong with the baby and something being wrong. Look in "How comfortable are you with postdates?"

Only, I misinterpreted it the whole time. I had an ultrasound, even though I didn't with my first. I had 2 in fact. Neither found anything wrong. I started leaking water about 6 weeks before my EDD. We could confirm nothing.

He was born and 5 days later septic. He had an obstruction in his urinary tract. We have had some very negative consequences to not knowing ahead of time, but also some positive ones---like he was born safely at home.

He is still alive and thriving, despite the negligence of the hospital for his care.

Trust your intuition. Learn to tell the difference b/w fear and intuition. It's very very subtle.


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## Spark (Nov 21, 2001)

Thank you all so much for your posts!







I'm sooo thankful for MDC. I don't think I'd EVER voice this concern in real life, but somehow the semi-anonymity of the Internet helps! Rachel, I'm a very optimistic person, too. This really is throwing me for a loop!

I didn't have this profound feeling in my other 2 pregnancies, so this is a first for me. I really am having trouble shaking this feeling, but at the same time I'm clear that I don't have any power over the outcome. The nagging feeling is always here. Like I just can't quite escape it. If I buy some great diaper that I think I'll love to pass it onto someone else when my baby outgrows it, the thought of, "Who wants a dead baby's diaper?" creeps right on in. It's rather morbid.... OK, it's a LOT morbid!!!

In waves, I reach different places with these unwanted thoughts/feelings. I know that everything will work out for the highest good -- this, I'm always confident of. If this baby isn't meant to be with us, then it isn't meant to be. On the other hand, I find myself wishing I'd just miscarry already if I'm not going to have a baby to hold and cuddle. It's like I'm frustrated that I'm still feeling this way! It's keeping me from totally enjoying my pregnancy! So, I find myself most often, putting my head down and charging forward. Shoving the thoughts aside.

Such wisdom on this thread. Yes, it could be something minor right now that will correct itself during my pregnancy. It could be just meaningless fear. It could be a protection mechanism. It could be guidance to look into things more. It's been great to read your experiences and thoughts on this. I feel like I have a lot to process. I've been focusing on shoving the thoughts out of my head so much that I probably just need to sit down and face them head on. Figure out what's going on or at least make true peace with the thoughts.feelings.

So, I think I wrote my poll wrong, because there are only 6 people that chose Option 3, but then 11 that chose Option 3 continuation question. I was hoping to find out how many people had strong frequent feelings that something was wrong and what their birth outcome was. But, now I'm not sure what birth outcomes those 6 people that chose Option 3. Did 1/6 have something wrong with their baby or did 0/6? I was so hoping for some kind of comforting data to feed my mind! :LOL


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## stayinghome (Jul 4, 2002)

I was scared a lot with my second pregnancy, and even after she was born it lingered, even though she was healthy.








I hope the feeling dissapates for you really soon!


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## citizenfong (Dec 24, 2002)

Claire,









I want to address the posibility that there *is* something wrong with your baby. Personally, I think it is more likely that those fears are an outward manifestation of a combination of anxieties beginning with an unexpected pgy and heightened by health concerns for YOU. I would also like to point out that depression may be a possibility. Those kinds of thoughts can certainly come with even a mild depression, and hyperemesis is frequently accompanied by depression. Just a thought.

BUT: what if you are right? What if something IS wrong with your babe? What if your baby is born still?

What would you do? How would you feel? Would you live? Could you possibly survive it?

There are plenty of ladies right here at MDC who can tell you firsthand, of course what it feels like. I am grateful beyond belief that I cannot.

I can tell you what I have thought from the outside.

Last year a dear friend of mine delivered her third baby still. She did NOT know, in the way you are asking about, that something was wrong (well, not until the end of her pregnancy and then there were physical signs). There were a few things along the way, in retrospect, that prepared her heart a bit.

Again, I can only speak to what *I* saw and felt. It was devistating, such a shock to those of us who knew her and had followed her pregnancy. I grieved for a baby I never met. And here is the terrible truth I learned through this: I think I would survive. I think you would, too. You would have to...you have other babies who need you!

If you think there is something to this, prepare yourself as best you can and try to let the worry go, as best you can. That's my advice.

All my love to you, Girl...


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## dnr3301 (Jul 4, 2003)

Claire- just saw your post and wanted to give you a big







. I hope all is well. I just read all the responses to you and wow! what a group of women we have here, huh? Take care.


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## TurboClaudia (Nov 18, 2003)

spark: sending you hugs and peace...









citizenfong's post reminded me of one of my favorite quotes, which also happens to be one of my life mottos:

let the moment go... don't forget it for a moment, though...

thinking of you...

warmly,
claudia


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Yes, and I believe it can be a form of antepartum depression, which is not as well known or well publicized as postpartum depression. For a long time I had strong, strong feelings that something horrible would happen. First it was regular miscarriage, then missed miscarriage, then it was incompetent cervix, then preterm birth, then stillbirth..... I was not allowing myself to believe my baby would live.

I finally talked to my husband about it a few weeks ago. I had not been consciously hiding my feelings from him, it was actually just "normal" to me at that point to feel incredibly negative and it hadn't even occurred to me that I needed to share with him what was going on in my mind. It was like I assumed he knew I felt this way. He didn't. He knew I was thinking negatively, and that I was pretty depressed, but he was very disturbed by the severity of the horrible thoughts I was having. That's when I realized how unhealthy it was to torture myself this way.

Since then, I've been focusing on thinking in a more positive way and while the terrible thoughts do slip in still, I'm much more convinced that we will be bringing home a live, healthy baby. Of course I'm not 100% okay and I won't be until I am holding the live healthy baby in my arms, seeing it for myself. Even just writing this feels like I'm tempting fate, but I must remind myself that I truly believe anyone who is meant to come into this world will.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

claire - I didn't feel anything was wrong when pregnant w/ my dd four years ago (and she was fine), but what occurred to me was that that was also before I found MDC and read here every day... I don't think back then I knew many people who talked openly about early losses if they had had them, and no one who had experienced a stillbirth. Perhaps a few special needs children but again no one in my immediate circle family/friends whose story I had heard.

Through this community and reading more I've become so much more aware of pregnancy and birth loss, and other ways grief can strike a family - and not just hearing of them but reading full emotional heartrending accounts from women I care about here.

Maybe this makes no sense, but for me I'd be aware of so much more that can happen if I were pg again. I don't in any way suggest you should ignore your instincts in the least!! And I guess Cicely was born sine you've been around here too, so I hear you saying this pg feels different than hers even. That's just what came to mind for me. Anyway, I agree you aren't crazy, whatever you're feeling!









mb


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I know this probably isn't very comforting, but with Arawyn I did have a very strong feeling like something was wrong. I had flashes of thoughts like "I will never hold this baby" but I brushed it off. Just before she died I even stopped in at the Pregnancy and Birth Loss Board, but I couldn't place my finger on why. She was still born at 22 weeks. I know alot of mom's of still born babies that I have talked with have had similar feelings. But I am sure lots of mom's of living babies have felt the same way. I will be praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby for you.

ETA: during this pregnancy I have been very worried and nervous knowing what can go wrong, but I feel some how at peace. I have a feeling that this baby is staying. I am not having the same feelings as I did last time. Does that make sense?


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## Lousli (Nov 4, 2003)

I didn't vote in your poll because I don't feel like anything is "wrong" with my daughter, she is quite healthy now, but she was premature. I knew it was a possibility, having had PROM at 36 weeks with #1. This pregnancy felt different, from spotting the day of my positive test to high risk results for Down's (with subsequent amnio) to BH contractions starting at 17 weeks (after none with my first). It was around 25 weeks when I started contracting enough to require medication, even though my fetal fibronectin was negative and continued to be right up until she was born (once again due to PROM).

I did have negative feelings/worry about this pregnancy. But I think it was a combination of worrying about prematurity, job-related stress, knowing more first hand about what could go wrong (as the PP suggested who had gotten to know more people here that experienced loss), a little antepartum depression, and the variety of false alarms during the pregnancy itself. So I did sort of have a negative experience with the premature birth and NICU, but she's fine now. I did have fears of losing the pregnancy early on, or of having a very early preemie that would not make it.


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## 2+twins (Apr 20, 2004)

I voted 'very often I felt like something was wrong' and then that there was something wrong. This was with my 2nd pregnancy. I had a tough time accepting that pregnancy from the get-go. I would talk to dh in terms of "IF the baby is okay..." all the time. I remember distinctly the ride in the car to the doctors office for my first ultrasound I was talking like that and he kinda layed into me saying, "everything is fine, there's no reason in the world to think that it's not. Stop talking like that!" At that visit they told me that the baby had stopped developing a couple weeks ago and that I was having a missed miscarriage. I was crushed but not surprised.

But then on my next pregnancy I thought for certain that everything was right - right down to the due date being just 1 day off from the due date I would have liked for one of my children (Earth Day - thought it would be cool). Anyway, I had another missed miscarriage and didn't see it coming.

So it goes both ways. With my pregnancies that did survive, I don't remember having any negative intuition that something was wrong - just the normal anxiety that most any mom-to-be would have (and I'm a little overboard with anxiety sometimes). Anyway, my oldest dd has developmental delays but nothing life-threatening. And I think those were caused by ultrasound exposure anyway. My younger dd seems to be fine.

I think it's worth investigating any fears to the extent that you then feel better about the situation (or come to accept it if there really is an issue). Good luck!


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## citizenfong (Dec 24, 2002)

Claire,

I was talking today to the friend I mentioned in my previous post. I want to share what she gave me.

After her darling girl was born a mutual friend and I went to visit "A" a few weeks later, once the funeral and everything was over. Late one night during our visit we talked about how she knew a lot of moms with stillborn children. We talked about how her heart had been prepared, and this was one way it happened, even years before the fact. I had been thinking about another mutual friend who had just miscarried. "A" looked at me and she said something along the lines of "You are afraid you are being prepared, too." Yep, she hit it, all right.

So when we were talking today she said she wanted to talk about fear of death and any fears I might have during this pregnancy about this health/safety of this baby. Here is a passage of scripture she gave me. BTW, I had not mentioned you or this thread, until she said this. When I told her she said that maybe this was for you! So here it is:

_Hebrews 2:14-15

Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil;

And deliver them who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage._

So, in other words, Christ died not just to rescue us from eternal death, but to release us from the bondage of the fear of death!

Okay, that's it. HTH


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

Maybe the reason you're not getting as many people ticking box no 3 is the way you worded it- I don't know that something is very wrong, but this pregnancy is very very different and I feel it very often. I don't know what it is I'm expecting, but it's still quite strange.
My neighbour is pregnant with her third as well, and she's having similar fears- some of this, I think, is that it's hard to believe we can be blessed enough to have and hold three healthy children, knowing how broken-hearted some women are not even to have the one. Specially with a third child, this is also the point where you jump to having a larger than average family, and that can be a big mindshift too. I'm not trying to dismiss your worries, just to let you know that there are other women in a similar position to you, with similar fears.


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## mamamoo (Apr 29, 2002)

I didn't vote in your poll because i have had a few different experiences. I miscarried my 3 rd child(I was 12 weeks pregnant when I found out, though the baby died at about 7.5wks)and I was a mess that whole pregnancy, I really thought something was wrong, I also make horrible comments to my hubby about it, and then when I lost the baby I felt like it was my fault. I know it wasn't really,but in a way I felt like I had been taking it for granted how easy pregnancy and birth were for me, and that was my wake up call.

My fourth pregnancy I was worried a little because of the miscarriage before, but I wasn't preoccupied by it. He is a healthy happy 2.5 yr old.

My fifth pregnancy I was worried the whole time, I cried all the time, and I somehow just knew that she wasn't ours to keep. I could picture her being born, but not with us for any length of time. I still feel that way sometimes. She was born at home, healthy, and is 6 months old. Now I don't know what the future holds for us with her, but I have her now, and I love her deeply. I am angry with myself that I was so upset my whole pregnancy with her. I had such horrible thoughts, picturing her memorial, picturing myself goign through her stuff...it was awful. I had nightmares. My midwife said that part of it was probably me feeling like I was not worthy of yet another healthy baby, waiting for the other shoe to drop sort of thing. I had also had a friend a couple years before who lost a baby in utero. It was just tough, and the baby wasn't planned, and I had so much on plate already. I think I may have been depressed a bit, especially at the end of my pregnancy, but I felt good, better than I do not pregnant. LOL.

So I say, go get checked out, and then try to release it. Tell your midwife, talk to your hubby, come here. Mayeb the more you voice it the better you will feel.







Debi


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## Camellia (Jun 2, 2004)

s Claire

Sometimes I get really morbid like that with my living children. I _don't_ think its because something bad is going to actually happen. Usually what it is, is stress induced anxiety.

I don't know your personal life well enough to know how much stress you are under. However, with the hypermesis and the medication maybe its just a bit of anxiety going on?

When I'm under a lot of stress, sometimes I will picture my son drowning







or dd running in the road







It makes my heart sink to type those things out. I did want to share similar feelings in hopes they would help you.

If something is wrong, it is already a reality. Almost certainly, everything is just fine. Try to take some comfort and relax and enjoy your pregnancy mama.


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## wende (Oct 4, 2003)

I had a similar and different experience.

With my first 3 pregnancies everything was perfect. I always said I was made to have babies. Nobody's body responded so well to pregnancy and birth so when I got pregnant with my 4th, I assumed all would be well. It was nearing Christmas when I found out that I was pregnant. I was going to wait to tell dh until Christmas morning. On December 18th, though, I knew I had to tell him. He was so happy that he was in tears. We put a movie on for the kids downstairs and went upstairs to "celebrate". As soon as I laid down I hopped up and ran to the bathroom and started bawling. I thought I was having a m/c. We went to the ER and found out that baby was ok, but I bled through the entire pregnancy. When I was about 31weeks pregnant (after magnesium, terbuteline, and whatever other measures we could think of to stop labor) I woke up knowing that the baby was going to be born and be born ok so I stopped taking the pills so that he could be born as clean as possible. He was born perfectly healthy at 31weeks, 5 days.

With my 5th I had impending fears that something was wrong. I had those same "funeral" thoughts. At the same time, I felt like everything was ok. I almost wished for an early baby, but have no clue why. After being through the NICU the last thing I wanted was to do that again, but I just felt like she had to be born early. My water broke at 32 weeks (which meant I didn't get the homebirth that I really, really wanted) and I was in the hospital for a week on antibiotics. I finally told the OB that the baby was ready to be born. She would be perfect and healthy and that it was time. After much arguing they induced me. DD was born breech with a true knot in her cord. She was also almost an entire pound smaller than my ds who was a week younger gestationally. I honestly believe that had I not followed my instincts, had I not begged them to let her be born when she was, that I wouldn't have her right now. I think that as she grew the knot was getting tighter and she wasn't getting enough nutrients. I think that had she been there much longer, she may have lost her oxygen supply as well.


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## Spark (Nov 21, 2001)

Wow, you guys are soooo wonderful! I am so so so thankful for your posts!









Quick note before I continue: I haven't checked back in here because of the diaper porn websites that have stolen my children's pictures. We've been busy with that. See my sig for details and PLEASE remove any diaper pics you may have in your siggies.

I just can't tell you how valuable your stories and suggestions are! Thank you all soooo much!

Because I've been so busy, I haven't had a lot time for self-exploration, but I have managed to take a couple of depression surveys (antenatal depression was a concern of mine, too) but I scored way low on those. Really, change of appetite and negative thoughts were the only areas that I scored, but the change of appetite is HG related more than anything.

My heart goes out to all you mamas who have experienced loss, those of you who worried your pregnancies away and regretted it and those of you lending your support.







Thank you!

I know a lot of you have referred to naturally feeling this way during pregnancy, but really this is a more than that. This is not how I usually feel while pregnant. My grandmother had 10 healthy kids... I know it's in my genes to produce healthy babies. I do feel for women who have struggled to get pregnant and those that have had miscarriages and stillbirths. I don't think it's that someone is DUE for that since they have healthy kids already. That's just not I think the world works. So, I'm 100% that's not where these thoughts are coming from. Thank you for your perspectives though, it helped to reaffirm, that this is not what I'm experiencing.

I do think my shaky start with HG and the meds I've needed to take have had an impact on my feelings for sure. I'm just not sure how much of an impacts.

Thank you also for the moms who talked about how their thoughts/feelings indicated that something was wrong and when to act upon it. I have always had a strong sense that there was not a thing I could do to change the situation, but I will be listening and sensing for if that should change. You've given me confidence to listen to the feelings if I'm to do something.

Tracy, both your posts are so valuable. It's true, just taking the time to think about worst case senerio and what would I do sort of things, helps free a lot of the emotions. My fear of death isn't a large as some. I see it as a very natural thing. I would survive if something happened to this baby. I'm 100% sure of that. Thank you.

I think one of the things that I get frustrated about is that if this is going to be a healthy happy baby, why the heck am I still feeling these things? It's like, if this is going to end, then let it end, the dragging on is what is such a pain! And, I know that may sound terrible, but frankly feeling such unwanted doom and gloom is tiresome! So, I think beyond any of fear of death, I also have to release that everything happens in it's own time. I don't want to mourn this baby forever, esp if he/she is going to be healthy and happy.

LindseyLou thank you for writing "If something is wrong, it is already a reality. Almost certainly, everything is just fine. Try to take some comfort and relax and enjoy your pregnancy mama." I think that's what I really need to hold onto... if I can let the unwanted thoughts wash over me and not hold onto any fear about them, this will be much easier. I don't want to dwell on the negativity. I don't think it's good for me or my baby or my family.

All in all, thank you guys SO much!







I can not tell you how valuable your posts have been. Thank you!


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## Spark (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flapjack*
Maybe the reason you're not getting as many people ticking box no 3 is the way you worded it-

It's not that, it's that people aren't checking box no 3, but then going on to fill out the ones that are only for people that checked box 3. I should have done some other wording for the last three options getting rid of box #3 and instead writing:
Very often I felt that something was very wrong and yet I had a healthy baby.
Very often I felt that something was wrong and there was something wrong with my baby.
Very often I felt that something was wrong and I'm still pregnant.

But, goodness, it doesn't really matter as much as all the wonderful advice and support!!!


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I felt something was wrong from the very beginning. I thought:

I wasn't pregnant, but had an ovarian cyst
I was pregnant (after ultrasound) but would miscarry
I was pregnant but had a missed miscarriage
I would lose the baby due to incompetent cervix.

I had a nice reprieve from worry from weeks 20-30 or so, then began to focus on my fear of stillbirth.

When my daughter was born, my first words to the midwife were, "Is she alive?" She said yes and I said, "Oh good, I thought she would be dead." The midwife looked pretty startled! :LOL

Baby's Apgars were 9 and 9, she thrived, and is now 20 mos old, running around and talking up a storm.

For me I think the worry was profound distrust in my body's capacity, inability to believe such a wondrous process as birth was possible or could happen to me, and fear of becoming too excited/confident for fear of disappointment.








I think it's pretty normal to worry. I have a *very* well-adjusted friend, and she was so sure her babe would have cleft palate (of all things) that she did extensive research about the issue. Babe was fine, no cleft.

Sending you good vibes...


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:

I do think my shaky start with HG and the meds I've needed to take have had an impact on my feelings for sure. I'm just not sure how much of an impacts.
This makes sense to me.


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## JuniperMama (Sep 1, 2004)

I was obsessed from the very beginning of my pregnancy that there was something terribly wrong and that I was going to mc. I had a lot of spotting early on but never with any real quantity of blood or anything. I was going in for the spotting about 1-2x/week for the first trimester. Even in the second trimester I was terrified. I was so excited when we got to 25 weeks and I knew that if I did go into preterm labor the baby could possibly survive. It was morbid. What's wild is that, except for the little bit of cervical spotting, I had a very uneventful and fine pregnancy. I think that I had antepartum depression which transferred into post partum anxiety disorder after my DS was born. He was born at 38 weeks (induced due to PIH) and, although he was a little small at 6.6, he was perfect and is nearly 1 year old and doing great.

I think that depression/anxiety can play a much bigger role in pregnancy than anyone ever talks about. I had NO IDEA that this could happen to me. I met a mom online who has 8 kids and had this kind of anxiety depression during her pregnancy with her 7th kid. I don't think it matters how many healthy littles you have - sometimes depression can show up anyway.

Also, like you I didn't feel "depressed" if felt terribly anxious - I just wish I'd known what it was and that there were ways to help treat it.








to you. I hope you feel better soon! If it would help you relax, I am all for seeing your dr. or getting an ultrasound to make sure that nothing is wrong and that it really is anxiety and not valuable intuition.

HTH,
Jenn


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## Mamabeakley (Jul 9, 2004)

I had the thought several times while pregnant that my baby wouldn't be born. I realized after he was born, healthy and strong, that for me what that thought was about was the fact that the baby I had been imagining throughout the pregnancy *wasn't* born. I imagined a girl - he's a boy. I imagined a calm, visual baby - he's intense, kinetic, and tactile. Some part of me knew that what I was imagining wasn't very realistic, and that when the baby was born I was going to have to adjust my expectations to reality.

I think that thought also came from bleeding through my 1st trimester (scary, not the symptom of pregnancy anyone expects) and from having waited a long time to TTC, and suceeding in month #1, and not being quite ready to believe that what I had waited for so long was really real.


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## Satori (Jan 30, 2003)

Maybe you could just see an OB for a quick u/s to reassure you there's no major issues going on? I've had those feelings before and something was very wrong each time


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I couldn't read this thread & not leave some words.
During this last pregnancy I had constant thoughts that something would happen with my babe. And something did, she was born still. My thoughts were something bad would happen during labor. I never went into labor, she died before. When I had those thoughts I really tried to avoid them. I did talk about them with my Midwife & birth support, but they never went away. When they crept up, such as the diaper senario, I would say why am I making this soaker, Oh to bury her in it. Had other thoughts too, but will not go into them here. But what I really want to say is that I wish I had confronted them more, and not ran away. (I think it is great you started this thread. I never would have had the courage to word it they way you did) I wish I had listened to those nudges I had during the last weeks of my pregnancy & went to the hospital. The pregnancy & birth loss forum was calling to me, but I avoided it. I did not want to hear about bad outcomes. It was like if I go there, it will happen. Well it happened, and now I am there.
Wow this is a really negative post, but I think it is what you were sort of looking for. (if not let me know, I will happliy delete it)
I encourage you confront this & really think about it. I wish I had, and perhaps my outcome would have been much different.


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## JohnnysGirl (Dec 22, 2003)

I haven't had any feelings to relate to what you're going through, just wanted to give you a big







((((((Hug))))))). I will be sending you much positive energy.


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## mamaroni (Sep 12, 2003)

claire, how are you feeling?


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## dnr3301 (Jul 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaroni*
claire, how are you feeling?









I was just wondering too.


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## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

for you.








: for you also.

Take care of yourself and the baby as you deserve it.


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## suearoo22 (May 4, 2004)

I had those feeling with my first, I cant really explain what the feeling were but I just knew I would not be taking him home with us. I never really fully prepared for him, we bought everything we would have needed but never set anything up, something inside was telling me we would never use it for him. My son went on to die at birth from multiple birth defects that went undetected in my pregnancy. I have had 2 healthy children since then, I always had a fear during their pregnancies but I also always knew that they would be born healthy. I hope your feelings are wrong, that was the hardest thing I have ever been through.


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## mwherbs (Oct 24, 2004)

what I have seen is if there has been a problem like a miscarriage previous to a current pregnancy or extreme fatigue or hyperemisis or any other unusual problems including things not related to a pregnancy like divorce.... a mom will often have a greater feeling that something is wrong and it isn't easy to shake.
So what are the things that are going right? is the baby growing? moving? even hyperemisis is a good sign that your hormones are functioning to hang on to a pregnancy.


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## Spark (Nov 21, 2001)

Hi all. I have such gratitude reading this thread! Here I should have subscribed to it early on, I didn't realize so many were still posting. (I'm subscribing now!)

Here's my update: As far as HG goes I'm still vomiting daily (some worse than others), but it's only to the level of bad morning sickness. I'm getting my energy back more and more and feeling more like myself. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and yes, the baby is growing, moving (although much less than my other two ever did) and looking normal and healthy from an U/S.

I still have thoughts or feelings that weave themselves into my daily life. Each time I experience that I try to envision the thought as water rolling off a duck's back. I repeat to myself that all happens for the highest good. I find great strength in that. I don't have to cling to the notion in fear, yet I acknowledge that I'm having the thought/feeling. Doing so helps me stay open to if/when I need to do something. I still feel like there is not much I can do right now other than hold my baby, cherish each roll or kick.

Debstmommy -- Thank you, I really appreciate your post. How do you think you would have handled your thoughts/feelings differently? I feel like it does color some of the birth choices that I make, like I find myself contemplating, if we choose this path and our baby doesn't live, will it effect the amt of guilt my DH or myself might feel?

Thank you ALL so so so much!







I really am just so so so thankful for each of your ideas and opinions and support. Goodness. Thank you!


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## ErinEmily (Jul 17, 2005)

I am sitting here trying to figure out what to type. My dd is sleeping on my lap.

The first time I was pg it never occurred to me that anything could go wrong. At 12 weeks, and on my birthday, I started spotting. We went to the doctor's office expecting to be told that everything was normal. We were sent for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. They said that they babe stopped growing at about 6 weeks. I eventually had a D&C after waiting for nearly another two weeks for a spontainous (sp??) m/c.

I got pg with my son maybe 6 weeks later. I was terrified for the longest time. Once we got past 12 weeks and could hear a heartbeat I was better. He was born one day after his due date and totally fine.

When he was a little about 1.5 years old I got pg again. I remember thinking that I would m/c. That only my even number pg would work. I was not feeling well most of the time I was pregnant. When I was about 4 months pg I was put on Diclactin (sp?) and antinausiant because I couldn't take care of our son I was so nauseous. I didn't throw up everyday but one day I did throw up about a dozen times. Once I was on the drug I felt like a new woman. I didn't think anything was wrong after that until a few days before I went into labour. My dd birth story is here.

She was born about 9 1/2 weeks early.

Now she is 19 weeks or so old and I think she is doing great!!

I am not sure what my point was except that I agree that you should listen to your feelings and then keep on going.


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