# Talk to me about my space



## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

Ok, so i helped my ds(12 almost 13) do a my space.







:

Question is: How much privacy do I allow him on this my space?
I mean, I have the password and everything....should I let him change it and do with it what he wants, or should I keep the password so i can see whats up on it??? I read some of his friends crap and I cant BELIEVE what some 13 yos put on these my spaces!







: Anyway......????


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

MY daughter is 13.5 and loves myspace. I just try to basically know who she is commicating with. It is mainly freinds she knows and see reguarly. I at least once a month ask tko see her friends page. She also has a lot of bands on there. It seems very ilmportant for her to have this space and privacy. I try to know who she is corresponsding with on the phone,on myspace, on IM and of course supervise who she is with shen she gets together with her friends. I put limits on it. I want to have balnce i n her life-some academics (we homeschool),she plays volleyball,guitar,some time with family and enough rest. Friends though are first priority now and my Space I have come to accept but I keep an eye on it while allowing her that power of choice and privacy that seems so important. We do a lot of talking and will talk about stuff that is objectionable,why this is,etc.Sallie


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## LDSmomma6 (Oct 31, 2003)

I told my 16 yr old that I have control over his MySpace, and I had the right to delete anything I want too since he was using MY computer to access it. He didn't fuss or tell me no about it.

He deleted his MySpace acct. finally the other night. He goes on another website geared more towards LDS/Mormon teenagers, and the rules for that is the same as MySpace.


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## hutsonmom (Sep 30, 2006)

all three of my teen grls have a my space page. i have passwords and check periodically for content and will ask who the favorites are if i do not recognize the names. so far i have found it to be ok--there were a few comments i found rude or distasteful but they were not written by my kids so what can i really say? one of the 17 yo loves to write poetry and she uses her my space to kind of show case her newest stuff. i think it is sort of neat to have an outlet like this for them as long as it is monitored.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

There are a lot of people on MySpace, good and bad. There are adults who have no qualms about talking to teens, even asking them for suggestive pictures. There have been many cases where children have got into a lot of trouble because of MySpace child predators.

I think about once a week you need to check his account thoroughly. Read his messages. Look at his friends' profiles. Look at THEIR friends' profiles. Check comments people leave him; check what comments he is leaving to his friends. This isn't invasive; it's protective. Tell him it's not that you don't trust him, but that you don't trust the world and want to make sure no one takes advantage of him.

I personally will be following the advice NOT to let my teen have a computer in their room or use it without supervision. There will be one in the family room, and the teen can use it whenever they want--but I'll be able to walk up and look at what she's typing at anytime. You know, kids even have an abbreviation 'pos' that means parents over shoulder? They're sneaky. Corbin won't be allowed to have anyone on his friends list that has anything 'nasty' on their profile, and I doubt I'll let him have anyone on there that we don't know personally unless I know for a fact they are who they say they are.

I know they love myspace, and its harmless for most but it can get dangerous and kids do need supervision. Look at all the pix of 13 year old girls, half-naked, on there. Honestly! Where are the parents? I think the space and privacy is important, but I don't think they need complete total 100% privacy and freedom to roam. I think they need limits.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

My Dd is almost 13 and has a My Space. I know the username, but not the password. (Or maybe I do...she mentioned it once but I am not sure if I am remembering it correctly.) She has total control over the page and it's content, but I would not hestitate to bring up concerns or worries if I had any. She comes from a background of being respected by me and having her thoughts taken seriously, so if I were to bring something up I have good reason to believe she'd hear me out. We'd discuss it etc.

I do not control her friends list at all. We've talked about the things we have seen on some of the profiles that we don't care for, and I think we are pretty much on the same page about it. She has even called me over and said "Oh man can you believe this?" etc.

I suppose we are out on that lonely limb (here anyway lol) of parents who do allow their children to have computers in their rooms. Ds is getting one around the first of the year for his bedroom. Dd so far is not interested in having her own yet and happily shares with me and Dh.


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## Lavinia (Oct 2, 2006)

My 14 and 16 year old sons both have MySpace.

Our computer is in the family room, in full view of everyone, so this minimizes the chance of them viewing anything innapropriate. I keep an eye on everything that my children do on the computer, with out blatantly disrespecting their privacy.

Both of the boys just use MySpace as a way of communicating with friends they already have. My 16 year old also has one for his band, which advertises their music, upcoming gigs, etc.

As long as your son is responsible, he should be fine.


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

Dd had myspace before myspace was cool. She used it mainly for communicating with her best friend, but was also able to reconnect with old friends who had moved away (or still lived in the city we moved away from) that she had known from as far back as her La Leche League days. When she was living with her grandmother, I also enjoyed reading her blog and her comments to keep up with her busy life. It was easier for her than sending individual emails to everybody and less intrusive than sending mass emails that people may or may not have been interested in.

Her best friend had one incident with a perv, which she reported to the site owner (who goes by "Tom" and is an adult male that appears on EVERYBODY'S friends' list, just so you know) and prompted me to read about the site's safety features, which actually impressed me quite a bit.

dd deleted her account recently because she just didn't have time for it any more and had moved on to different things.

ds opened his and loves it. Since he is under the age of sixteen, his account is set to private and all I can see is his picture and his "About me" comment. He mostly uses it to get to know his local friends and showcase his poetry, but he has also gotten to know some cousins he barely remembers from where we used to live.

He was never particularly interested in writing before, but his abilities have skyrocketed since becoming active on MySpace. It's hard to believe he's writing poetry because he WANTS to when only a few months ago it was like pulling teeth to get him to write a grammatically correct sentence.

I'm part of the minority that lets my kids have their own computers. We started out with a shared computer in the living room and spent a lot of time talking about and learning about internet safety before they were ready for the degree of privacy they have now.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

My dd has one and I made one to keep track of who was talking to her. She is in control of who can talk to her and who cannot. Her profile is private. I think like anything else online if you keep tabs on what they are doing, tell them the dangers and keep your PC in the living space of the home you are better off, not totally safe 100% but better then it would be if her PC was in her room, she did what she wanted and had total control.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FEDUP* 
Ok, so i helped my ds(12 almost 13) do a my space.







:

Question is: How much privacy do I allow him on this my space?
I mean, I have the password and everything....should I let him change it and do with it what he wants, or should I keep the password so i can see whats up on it??? I read some of his friends crap and I cant BELIEVE what some 13 yos put on these my spaces!







: Anyway......????

my space is for 14 and over.







I have an account but never set it up. I see nasty stuff on there. I wouldn't allow my child under 18 to go on there and set up an account when it asks questions about their sexual orientation. God I hope my kids have more to do at that age than worry about something like this. I see very explicit pictures and phrases on there on every single page that comes up.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

All kids are different, and some might be able to handle it, but as a rule, I'd say it's not particularly appropriate for anyone under 16 or so. Or aren't their rules 14? Younger than that, there is a lot of sexual content they can stumble upon. It's not just the comments they read/send. They can surf through chains of people profiles and find themseleves somewhere they shouldn't be in a matter of minutes. Be careful.


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## LDSmomma6 (Oct 31, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68*
my space is for 14 and over.







I have an account but never set it up. I see nasty stuff on there. I wouldn't allow my child under 18 to go on there and set up an account when it asks questions about their sexual orientation. God I hope my kids have more to do at that age than worry about something like this. I see very explicit pictures and phrases on there on every single page that comes up.









:

#1 reason why my son had to let me know his password... It has nothing to do with respecting your child...that's full of bull caa-caa.

Oh, yeah, my son deleted his MySpace finally...but like I said he is on a different one, and I moniter that one too. And having the computer in a "public" place, like the family room or kitchen area, is safer, IMO. Allowing your child to view the internet in the privacy of their room, is nothing more then allowing them to view trash, but then again, some parents don't care..."because I'll invade their privacy, or won't respect them" crap. Oh, brother!


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## luv my lil pearl (Oct 10, 2004)

There is a lot of crap on there that's no good for a 13 year old to see, that's why they put age limitations...and I thought I read somewhere that they were going to up the age limit to 16.

It's also an easy way for pervs to look up local teens. Just because a child's profile is private, doesn't mean they aren't "visible" to the public. If they post any comments to another kid's page (that isn't private) their notes can be read...I just think it's a sexual predator's dream come true -- they can figure out where the kid goes to school if they have access to their "friends" page...So they know what the kids look like (even if the profile is private), and what town they're from. And, predators aren't always 50 year old men - they often come "packaged" as good-looking 21 year olds.

Just be super careful...super, super careful.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

My daughter has had a myspace for a long time... I don't monitor it at all, but then I'm very confident in her ability to maneuver the internet appropriately. YMMV, depending on your kid's experience level. I think I remember her username, but I've never known her password.

My brother and sister both have myspaces now and are on Rain's friends list. We didn't plan it as a way to keep tabs on her (she had her myspace years before they got theirs) but if you're concerned, maybe you could see if he'd be willing to friend a friend or relative who would alert you if anything seemed hinky...

dar


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

As for being able to surf around and "find things you shouldn't" ... you can do that without ever even thinking about having an account.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

: But are you saying, "why try? they can find it anyway" or are you saying "be very careful with ALL their internet use"? We go with the latter option in our house. Our 14 yo is very socially immature and is not allowed free reign of the internet, nor does he belong to any online communities. Some 14 yo's might be able to handle that, but we know ours can not, so we limit it all.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
my space is for 14 and over.









 This just isn't an issue for us. (Or many that I know.)

Quote:

I have an account but never set it up.
 I wasn't really interested for a long time, but I just got one. Pretty fun.

Quote:

I see nasty stuff on there.
True enough. But there's nasty stuff a lot of places. Including the news.









Quote:

I wouldn't allow my child under 18 to go on there and set up an account when it asks questions about their sexual orientation.
 Obviously that is your decision to make, but what does sexual orientation have to do with it? Just curious. Kids are pretty well aware of their sexuality (note that I am _not saying_ they are all sexually active) before the age of 18 be they straight, bisexual, or gay.









Quote:

I see very explicit pictures and phrases on there on every single page that comes up.
 Are you being serious or exaggerating to make your point? Every single page? That has not been my experience. Of course how we are defining explicit could be the key.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LDSmomma6* 
#1 reason why my son had to let me know his password... It has nothing to do with respecting your child...that's full of bull caa-caa.

 I could be misunderstanding you here but are you saying that respecting children is bull







?

Quote:

And having the computer in a "public" place, like the family room or kitchen area, is safer, IMO. Allowing your child to view the internet in the privacy of their room, is nothing more then allowing them to view trash, but then again, some parents don't care..."because I'll invade their privacy, or won't respect them" crap. Oh, brother!








 Well that's your POV and you are entitled to it. One person's _"trash"_ is another person's interesting....

However I could just as easily say that refusing to allow your child the right to view the internet in the privacy of their room is nothing more than you being very controlling and disrespectful and teaching him that you do not trust him or think him capable of good decision making. But then that's my POV and I am entitled to it.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
However I could just as easily say that refusing to allow your child the right to view the internet in the privacy of their room is nothing more than you being very controlling and disrespectful and teaching him that you do not trust him or think him capable of good decision making. But then that's my POV and I am entitled to it.

And in our case, it's the truth. We don't trust him or think him capable of good decision making a lof ot the time. We are working on those things with him, but he's not there yet. In our case, the 14 yo is developmentally delayed and is at about an 8-10 yo maturity level, so I know it's an extreme example, but some teens may very well not be equiped to handle the internet unsupervised. Sounds like you are not dealing with that situation, but many others are.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
I could be misunderstanding you here but are you saying that respecting children is bull







?

Well that's your POV and you are entitled to it. One person's _"trash"_ is another person's interesting....

However I could just as easily say that refusing to allow your child the right to view the internet in the privacy of their room is nothing more than you being very controlling and disrespectful and teaching him that you do not trust him or think him capable of good decision making. But then that's my POV and I am entitled to it.

Dont you watch the news? Are you aware of the amount of perverts on the web? Sorry privacy or not my job as her mother is to watch what is going on when she is on there, if I didnt I wouldnt be doing my job.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamameg* 
And in our case, it's the truth. We don't trust him or think him capable of good decision making a lof ot the time. We are working on those things with him, but he's not there yet. In our case, the 14 yo is developmentally delayed and is at about an 8-10 yo maturity level, so I know it's an extreme example, but some teens may very well not be equiped to handle the internet unsupervised.


This makes sense to me. It sounds like you are dealing with a special circumstance, and I can see how that would be a little bit different. That you are working on it is a great thing and not quite the same thing (IMO) as someone saying that a child viewing the internet in his room is "allowing them to view trash" because the parent "doesn't care".


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers* 
Dont you watch the news? Are you aware of the amount of perverts on the web? Sorry privacy or not my job as her mother is to watch what is going on when she is on there, if I didnt I wouldnt be doing my job.

 I do watch the news, with my kids even, and we have discussed all of that more than once. (Dateline even lol







) As far as doing our jobs as mothers I would say that we both are, we just interpret the job description differently.


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## urchin_grey (Sep 26, 2006)

My 13yo sister had a Myspace but she was getting too many nasty comments from some other girls so my mom deleted it. She was getting called a slut and stuff like that. Apparently dressing more mature gets you called a slut these days even if you haven't even kissed a boy yet.







:

Anyway, she still has a Xanga account, which is much like Myspace. No one has ever bothered her online other than that one particular group of girls. I like that she has it because I can keep in touch with her and stuff. And since I see her site often, I can always let my mom know if anything is going on.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
That you are working on it is a great thing and not quite the same thing (IMO) as someone saying that a child viewing the internet in his room is "allowing them to view trash" because the parent "doesn't care".

Well, I have to say I agree with you on that one.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
I do watch the news, with my kids even, and we have discussed all of that more than once. (Dateline even lol







) As far as doing our jobs as mothers I would say that we both are, we just interpret the job description differently.

Same here... and another thing - we're all on the web right now, having conversations and interacting and all those sorts of things. An occasional pervert sends me an email or posts something here, but I ignore it or take care of it. It's not a big deal. I don't think the internet is all that scary, really, for me or for my daughter. I've met some of my best friends online.

Of course it's important to follow some basic safety precautions, but those have been part of Rain's understanding since she first got online, years and years ago. As she's gotten older, more potential issues have come up, just in conversation... we talk about stuff. I think going online is a lot less potentially dangerous that hanging out downtown, but Rain is okay doing both...

dar


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:

As for being able to surf around and "find things you shouldn't" ... you can do that without ever even thinking about having an account.
Yeah but just reading and surfing isn't likely to attract pedophiles to you.

Quote:

are you saying that respecting children is bull ?
I think that restricting their privacy is much more respectful than letting them run totally free.

Quote:

Sorry privacy or not my job as her mother is to watch what is going on when she is on there, if I didnt I wouldnt be doing my job.
This is how I feel. Safety is more important than privacy. If someone can interfere with my child's physical or moral health, that takes precedence over privacy.

Quote:

I don't think the internet is all that scary, really, for me or for my daughter.
I agree, but it can be so I think caution is prudent. I have been fooled before, and so far, it hasn't put me in danger but... it could happen.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Not only do you have to worry about the perverts but you have to worry about other girls as a pp mentioned, they can get nasty! They can be so terrible cruel to one another and middle school is the worst. They gang up on each other so easily. One minute there is a group of 6 of them that all love each other and a week later the have singled one out and toture her verbally with names like slut, whore, etc..

I feel much more comfortable with my PC in my living room. She will NEVER have one in her room untill she is an adult then she can do what she wants online its not my business. She is my business now. But this is just imo


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *urchin_grey* 
My 13yo sister had a Myspace but she was getting too many nasty comments from some other girls so my mom deleted it. She was getting called a slut and stuff like that. Apparently dressing more mature gets you called a slut *these days* even if you haven't even kissed a boy yet.







:

This is a very minor point in the grand scheme of this thread, but the words I bolded just jumped out at me. I was being called a slut for at least a year before I ever kissed a boy - or a girl, for that matter. I didn't dress "more mature", but I was more physically developed than most of the girls.

That was 25 years ago. The technology is different, but the behaviour is very similar.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:

The technology is different, but the behaviour is very similar.
Doesn't mean we should let them use the new technology in support of that behavior.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
Doesn't mean we should let them use the new technology in support of that behavior.

I never said, or suggested, that it did. Calling someone a slut isn't acceptable, be it online or off. I just have a "thing" about people saying "these days" about behaviour that's been going on for a long, long time. (My mom went through similar things in the 50s.)


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

I gotcha.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I never said, or suggested, that it did. Calling someone a slut isn't acceptable, be it online or off. I just have a "thing" about people saying "these days" about behaviour that's been going on for a long, long time. (My mom went through similar things in the 50s.)


But when they call you a slut, make a web page about it and post all kinds of nasty things on a message board... it makes it a little more intense when we were kids.

You can have a whole paged dedicated to hurting someone, and the world can see it.


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## urchin_grey (Sep 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
This is a very minor point in the grand scheme of this thread, but the words I bolded just jumped out at me. I was being called a slut for at least a year before I ever kissed a boy - or a girl, for that matter. I didn't dress "more mature", but I was more physically developed than most of the girls.

That was 25 years ago. The technology is different, but the behaviour is very similar.

I agree, and I didn't even mean to write "these days". I didn't even mean it the way I wrote it.







I mean, I'm only 21 so I was a teenager not very long ago so I wouldn't even know how kids acted 20+ years ago though I know my mom was treated that way too.









Sorry I wrote it like that.... I guess I just meant "these days" in a cliche(?) sort of way... if that makes any sense.







:

I do agree though with the PP.... It *does* make it a lot easier for someone to be ganged up on. I mean, if I wanted to call someone a slut/whore/bitch it would be a lot easier to do it behind a computer screen than to do it to their face, kwim?


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
Yeah but just reading and surfing isn't likely to attract pedophiles to you.

I think that restricting their privacy is much more respectful than letting them run totally free.

This is how I feel. Safety is more important than privacy. If someone can interfere with my child's physical or moral health, that takes precedence over privacy.

I agree, but it can be so I think caution is prudent. I have been fooled before, and so far, it hasn't put me in danger but... it could happen.

I TOTALLY agree with you on all points.


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## oldgirlnewtricks (Aug 30, 2006)

MySpace or anything else on the computer is done at the kitchen table. If one of my kids ever closes out a window when I go by, that's it. No more computer. Right now, our 12 yo has not been using MySpace.

By keeping the computer totally public, I feel we are avoiding as many problems as possible. We would rather encourage IRL friends, but as with me talking to people on this forum, sometimes people with the same interests aren't always next door.

This works very well for us. I'm not overly nosy, but he realizes that use of the computer is not his right and a way to withhold information. We have also stepped up the time spent in physical activities. Less time to be drawn to the computer.

Gloria


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
I think that restricting their privacy is much more respectful than letting them run totally free.

Well, what do you mean by totally free? Because the definitions matter. Do you mean that by not censoring or controlling my Dd's My Space page (and other online convos) that I am letting her run totally free? What does that mean to you? Does it mean that she is without any guidance at all from me and her Dad? Does is mean that we never discuss issues regarding internet safety? Or does it mean that we just aren't in total control over everything she does online? We talk a lot in our family. The talking, debating, sharing of opinions, finding common ground, and etc are what help us trust each other.

She has conversations about music that I probably wouldn't be all that interested in regarding bands I have probably never heard of.







She goes back and forth with her best friend and another girl about things I wasn't present for (movies they watched, the boy her friend saw at the mall but didn't talk to, etc). She might share a bunch of this stuff with me anyway, but I don't think I need to examine all of what she is saying. We touch base often. If that is what you are considering "totally running free" then we accept that label proudly.

Quote:

Safety is more important than privacy. If someone can interfere with my child's physical or moral health, that takes precedence over privacy.
I value my kids' safety very much. When they were infants it prompted me put them in the proper seat in the car, when they were crawlers it moved me to keep small objects they could choke on out of reach, when they were preschoolers it led me to talking about how we can look out for traffic & hold hands, and when they are teens it means I talk about sex, drugs, internet safety, friends, alcohol, and .... you get the idea.

Discussion is powerful. Modeling the kind of behavior you like to see is powerful. Tight control, banning, and censorship, particularly in pre-teens and teenagers just doesn't foster the kind of relationship I am looking for with my kids.


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## darkpear (Jul 22, 2003)

The Internet is pervasive and getting more so every day. (And this isn't just about Myspace. Myspace is one site.) Wireless access is everywhere and you can browse the web from phones and portable game systems, and even if your kids don't have devices like that, it's likely they'll have friends who do. Public libraries all have Internet access, too. I just don't see it as practical to expect to supervise teens' Internet use 100% of the time. Better IMO to talk about internet safety (as well as the differences between online interaction and real life, the consequences of anonymity, netiquette, etc) starting young, and keep the lines of communication open...


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## Tanibani (Nov 8, 2002)

Anybody who thinks My Space is safe and tame should read the following written by a mother.

It originally appeared in the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2006

*Testing the Bounds of MySpace*
A writer learns a lot from an experiment with the popular social networking site -- especially about her 13-year-old daughter.
By Catherine Saillant
Times Staff Writer

http://tinyurl.com/rrwmj

Quote:

I've covered murders, grisly accidents, airplanes falling out of the sky and, occasionally, dirty politics.

_But in nearly two decades of journalism, nothing has made my insides churn like seeing what my 13-year-old daughter and her friends are up to on MySpace.com._

Here's a bulletin I recently found posted to her site:

"OMG! Add this hott guy! He will whore the first 20 people added to his friends list&#8230;. Add him! You can do it in his van!"

Loosely translated, the teenage girl was "pimping" a teenage boy, shown smooching his guitar, as a potential new friend - or more - for my daughter. If Taylor added him to her MySpace "friends" list, the tousled-hair teen would be able to look at her website and send messages to her.

The soliciting girl made the pitch to all 245 of her own "friends" with a simple keystroke.

In the MySpace world, this is called a "whore code." It's a mild - very mild - example of the coarse language and often profane messages that are plastered all over the social networking site like graffiti on bathroom walls.

It was this coarseness and an abject lack of manners (not to mention extremely poor grammar) that bothered me the most as I entered the second month of a deal that I had worked out with my often headstrong daughter.
It's an interesting article. I think the daughter manipulates mom and mom is too weak to counter it.









I think that for kids who are more peer oriented, than parent oriented (looking to family for guidance) this kind of thing can be more of a Pandora's box of problems. Unfortunately, most (not all) kids (IMO) fall under that category.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

So maybe the underlying issue is the kind of relationship kids have with their parents, and myspace is just one way problems might be expressed... if you ban myspace, maybe they'll sneak out and meet guys for sex in vans, or whatever, or call them on the phone and plan it, or discuss it at school... myspace is a vehicle for communication, neither good nor bad in and of itself. If you trust your child and her ability to make good decisions and to call you when she's in over her head, then you don't need to worry about my space. If not, then I think the underlying problem is a lot deeper than having a myspace or not.

dar


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## granolamom (Sep 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smillerhouse* 
MY daughter is 13.5 and loves myspace. I just try to basically know who she is commicating with. It is mainly freinds she knows and see reguarly. I at least once a month ask tko see her friends page. She also has a lot of bands on there. It seems very ilmportant for her to have this space and privacy. I try to know who she is corresponsding with on the phone,on myspace, on IM and of course supervise who she is with shen she gets together with her friends. I put limits on it. I want to have balnce i n her life-some academics (we homeschool),she plays volleyball,guitar,some time with family and enough rest. Friends though are first priority now and my Space I have come to accept but I keep an eye on it while allowing her that power of choice and privacy that seems so important. We do a lot of talking and will talk about stuff that is objectionable,why this is,etc.Sallie


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

I didn't mean anything by it as related to you. You're assuming that I'm stating you let your daughter run totally free, when I'm not. "Run totally free," for the record, meant that I won't be allowing my children to go on the internet without any supervision, hoping that dinner talks keep them from befriending pedophiles & posting ror viewing inappropriate things. That I might not be interested in my child's conversations onlne is no reason for me not to monitor them. While most kids do just use MySpace to talk to kids, there are people that will lie and pretend to be kids that attend the same school, to bait them into meeting them--and then guess what? No more kiddo.

I don't expect to supervise teens' internet use 100% of the time, but I do intend to talk about internet safety, check after them to see what they are doing, etc. Even a teen who has been taught well can still be fooled. And there is NO WAY that dinner talks will ever cover every single scenario that a person may encounter in cyberspace. It's not that I won't be trusting my teen. It's that I don't trust the rest of the world. A lot of kids whose parents think they are wonderfully mature are quite manipulative. Even children with good relationships with their parents may still need guidance when online. I don't think we should 'worry' about Myspace or the internet, but I do think we should be careful.

Also, something characteristic to teens is that they don't always know when they are in over their heads. Trusting your teen to come to you if they do feel in over their heads is great, but believing that a teen will always be able to evualuate a situation and tell it's out of control seems a bit much to expect.

All I'm saying is...know who your kids are talking to & what they are talking about.

I wouldn't ban myspace unless it was endangering them.


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## charliemae (Jul 15, 2006)

I just wanted to give another POV. I'm 19 and have had a myspace for awhile now. I have a few things to add. One is that on myspace you have compleate control over who your friends are. Only your friends can add a comment, but any one can send a messege. You also have the option of blocking people so if you have problems with some girls then it's easy to fix. Younger teens profiles are automaticly privet so no one can see them except for the people on their friends list. Simply put myspace has added a lot of safty nets since all the troubles came out in the media.

The other thing I have to say is that, as parents I think the job is more to know if you can trust YOUR child. There were points in my own personal devlopment that I know I couldn't be trusted, and my parents knew it as well.


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## LeilaLuv (Sep 29, 2006)

I have some input as well. Im 20 and recently deleted my account there. I had it since I was 15 or 16. I met many kool people thaere and many pervs too. Theres ALL sorts of people there and if ur child isnt mature enough to make correct choices then they have no business there.

IMO no child has ANY business on there. Even if u constantly "check" u have NO idea how clever kids are now a days. IMO "child on internet = parent in room" wether u trust ur child or not. Kids are easily tempted and the moment ur not there, they will find a way to get at what they want or are suggested to do.

ALso, try to limit any kind of camera use. I couldnt tell u how many 13 year olds I ran into that had the most explicit stuff out there.YUCK.
I can honestly say, if I hadnt met my husband (No, i didnt meet him there lol) I would have gone"wild" eventually. Thats not who I really am, but hey its what everyone is into now a days. My parents NEVER snooped or looked, I had my own computer and they had no clue what i was up to.( I wish they had)

My parents borught be up with dignity and self respect and morality. So posting provocative pics wasnt first on my mind, but I can assure you, a young mind can easily be pulled in the wrong direction when a parent isnt there to guide.

Myspace isntthe only place out ther elike that. Theres Xanga, and many others, but myspace is the most popular. So if ur child has good intentions, that great, but if ur gonna let them, then be there.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
So maybe the underlying issue is the kind of relationship kids have with their parents, and myspace is just one way problems might be expressed... if you ban myspace, maybe they'll sneak out and meet guys for sex in vans, or whatever, or call them on the phone and plan it, or discuss it at school... myspace is a vehicle for communication, neither good nor bad in and of itself. If you trust your child and her ability to make good decisions and to call you when she's in over her head, then you don't need to worry about my space. If not, then I think the underlying problem is a lot deeper than having a myspace or not.


I agree that this is the issue. It comes down to relationship.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LeilaLuv* 
I have some input as well. Im 20 and recently deleted my account there. I had it since I was 15 or 16. I met many kool people thaere and many pervs too. Theres ALL sorts of people there and if ur child isnt mature enough to make correct choices then they have no business there.

IMO no child has ANY business on there. Even if u constantly "check" u have NO idea how clever kids are now a days. IMO "child on internet = parent in room" wether u trust ur child or not. Kids are easily tempted and the moment ur not there, they will find a way to get at what they want or are suggested to do.

ALso, try to limit any kind of camera use. I couldnt tell u how many 13 year olds I ran into that had the most explicit stuff out there.YUCK.
I can honestly say, if I hadnt met my husband (No, i didnt meet him there lol) I would have gone"wild" eventually. Thats not who I really am, but hey its what everyone is into now a days. My parents NEVER snooped or looked, I had my own computer and they had no clue what i was up to.( I wish they had)

My parents borught be up with dignity and self respect and morality. So posting provocative pics wasnt first on my mind, but I can assure you, a young mind can easily be pulled in the wrong direction when a parent isnt there to guide.

Myspace isntthe only place out ther elike that. Theres Xanga, and many others, but myspace is the most popular. So if ur child has good intentions, that great, but if ur gonna let them, then be there.


You have a point about the camera. Some of those girls on there have some seriously racey pics and to find out they are 13-14 years of age makes me really sad and upset that no parent is taking any interest what this child is doing online. I have no issue with a teen going on Myspace or Xanga but as you stated you had better be there to keep an watchful eye.


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## robin4kids (Jan 20, 2004)

OMG! you should know everything that is discussed on your child's myspace. You as a parent should know how to look at every site your child has visited. You should NEVER allow your child to go on the internet in their room. There should never be a private conversation going on. Just last week a 12 year old girl was almost picked up a a private school, by a man she met on her myspace. Lucky for her the school would not let her go with him. Too many parents are giving their kids computers and free internet. Don't be your child's friend, be their parent. Put your foot down. They can have their privacy when they move out!


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *robin4kids* 
Put your foot down. They can have their privacy when they move out!

This just doesn't spound like the way to create a relationship of mutual trust with a teen, ya know? I'm imagine that the teen years would end up being all about your kids trying to sneak something past you and you trying to "catch" them, and that doesn't appeal to me...

dar


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LeilaLuv* 
I have some input as well. Im 20 and recently deleted my account there. I had it since I was 15 or 16.

IMO no child has ANY business on there. Even if u constantly "check" u have NO idea how clever kids are now a days. IMO "child on internet = parent in room"

Thats not who I really am, but hey its what everyone is into now a days. My parents NEVER snooped or looked, I had my own computer and they had no clue what i was up to.( I wish they had)

My parents borught be up with dignity and self respect and morality. So posting provocative pics wasnt first on my mind, but I can assure you, a young mind can easily be pulled in the wrong direction when a parent isnt there to guide.


I completely agree with your entire post- I joined MySpace when I was about 14, and recently deleted my account. The entire site is pretty disgusting.

I also agree with the fact that kids are clever- most kids know how to delete their internet history, including all viewed sites, and most know how to "hide" what they're looking at by quickly switching to a new window.

And, lastly, this part of your post applied to me, too: _I had my own computer and they had no clue what i was up to.( I wish they had)_

I did a lot of things that I regret now, because of MySpace. Stuff that wasn't _me_, and entirely went against how I had been brought up. Had I not been on MySpace, I never would have done it, but it's so easy to be tricked and tempted when you're young.

I don't even have children yet, so I won't have to deal with this issue for a long time, but my children's internet use will be supervised (as in, me sitting next to them while they're using the computer), and MySpace will definitely not be allowed.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *robin4kids* 
OMG! you should know everything that is discussed on your child's myspace. You as a parent should know how to look at every site your child has visited. You should NEVER allow your child to go on the internet in their room. There should never be a private conversation going on...............

...... Don't be your child's friend, be their parent. Put your foot down. They can have their privacy when they move out!


I disagree with every single statement above. That's got to be some kind of record, right?







The story about the girl is scary and unfortunate. It happens, but MySpace didn't make the girl do it. Decisions decisions decisions- and they are all made by people.

Seriously though, no freaking way. I treat my children the way I like to be treated, and the way I hope they will treat others. There ARE other ways to create trust and safety. My family, and other families are proof that it can be done no question about it!

ETA: My son showed me how to delete my history


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

I agree that children need privacy, for sure... they do not, however, need completely unlimited privacy in every area, especially when that total privacy could endanger them. If I treated my child as I wanted to be treated, letting him do as he pleased, he'd have been run over by a car now. It is my job as a parent to protect him. If I were in his position, if I were a teen, I might not at that time want my privacy invaded...but I would most definitely be grateful for it later. My job is to do what is best for my child, not treat him like an adult while he is still a child. That is, I think, one of the worse things I could do to my child, just like trying my dog like a human would be bad.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Is it treating a child "like an adult" if you respect his privacy, trust in his ability to make his own decisions, respect his autonomy, and trust that he will come to you when he needs help? Really, if it is then I've been treating my child "like an adult" for her entire life... and I have to say that it's worked very well for us.

I think the other part of the equation is that I have a strong bond with my child - we spend a lot of time together, we enjoy each other's company, and we help each other out all the time. I've "protected" her by being there for her when she needed me, and empowering her to protect herself.

Honestly, my teen has no desire to have sex with strangers, or go off with 50 year old perverts, or even chat with pervy strangers (she read Lolita, though







). If she did want to do those things, I would worry. That's not healthy or normal, and that would say to me that something was missing in her life - that there was a big problem. And really, teens aren't stupid, and knowing how to safely navigate the net is a pretty basic survival skill now, like crossing streets safely. I can't really imagine how some pervert who hypothetically commented on her myspace could hurt her - she's home on the computer; he's somewhere else, and she's not dumb or emotionally needy enough enough to go meet him or give him our address.

dar


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
and she's not dumb or *emotionally needy* enough enough to go meet him or give him our address.

I think this is a defining factor in these situations. I was not dumb, but I was emotionally needy, and I made some poor decisions, despite the fact I was raised with "morals and values" like another poster mentioned. If myspace was around when I was a teen, I would more than likely gotten into some trouble with it. Not going to meet 50 yr old, pervs, but teen gossip and whatnot would definitely have sucked me in.

Again, it all comes down to knowing your kid. For us, it's a no brainer - no myspace, no unsupervised internet. But Dar is clearly close enough with her daughter that she knows she can handle those things. YMMV.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

imo I think we try to keep lines of communication open with our kids, we try to build a system of trust and create a sense of what is right and wrong. However when they hit a certain age they make their own choices regaurdless if its a choice we agree with. They are still children and sometimes those choices they make are not the best ones. I would much rather be over protective and make her go on line in the dinning room with all of us around rather then her be alone in her room with temptation and curiousity all around her.


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## Primigravida (May 7, 2006)

I don't believe children should have access to the internet period.


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

WOW so many replies and so many different takes on the internet as a whole. Our pc is in MY bedroom...so I am in there when he goes on it. I limit the amount of time he is on it to 30 minutes, too. On his myspace is just his friends from school and my brother and his fiance. So they can see his stuff too. Luckily my ds is pretty much still a kid at heart and not so much as says a bad word and we are pretty close. Thanks for the input mamas!


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## charliemae (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ananas*
the entire site is pretty disgusting.

I don't think that's fair at all. The ONLY people I have ANY contact with on it are my friends. Their are plenty of adults on thier with their own social networks. If it was disgusting to you, chances are it was the people you were "friends" with. And I am assuming by the rest of your post this is probably true.

Quote:

most kids know how to delete their internet history, including all viewed sites, and most know how to "hide" what they're looking at by quickly switching to a new window.
You can't do this on myspace. If you have your childs password you can pretty much see everything they have been doing. Just by being added as a "friend" you can see 90% of what's going on, the only thing you might not be able to see is a blog entry. (but of course with the password you can see that too).

I don't think parents need to be friends, but trusting your kid doesn't make you their friend, it impowers them to grow up and make decisons, based on the values you gave them.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Because I am feeling extreamly lazy







I'm just gonna cut and paste comment from the last myspace thread as I think it is still fitting for this thread... (http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hlight=myspace)

Does your teen have a myspace page? NO
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If so ....
how old is your teen? 12.5

do you have input onto what they can/ cannot have on their page? SHE DOES NOT HAVE ONE YET BUT I WOULD NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER WHAT SHE SAYS IN IT.

do they know that you know they have one? WHILE DD WILL BE ABLE TO SAY WHAT SHE WANTS, I WILL CHECK ON TO SEE WHAT IS SAYS. IT IS PUBLIC INFO AND I'D LIKE TO BE SURE WHAT'S GOING ON. IF IT IS ANYTHING TOO OUTRAGOUS, I WOULD TRY TO GET HER TO TONE IT DOWN. THAT SAID, IF SHE DOES NOT, THAT IS HER CHOICE. BUT I HAVE A FEELING THAT SHE WILL BE CAREFUL WHAT SHE SAYS SINCE SEH KNOWS I WILL READ WHAT SHE WROTE.

do you worry about their interactions on myspace? YES, OF COURSE. THAT IS WHY I'VE HAD MANY CONVERSATIONS WITH DD ABOUT INTERNET SAFETY.
in your opinion, is their online personality pretty close to their real life personality? NA

in other words, did anything on their myspace page shock you? NA

If your teen doesn't have one, would you be comfortable with them having one? YES.

Ya ya, I know lame to cut and paste my own stuff...


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

My dd has a myspace. My ds and dd both have their own computers in their rooms. I get to see what my dd is putting on her myspace and also what's on her friends' myspaces because she shows them to me! Hey mom, look at this...
there is nothing on any of them that I find threatening or weird in any way.

When I think of my kids' right to their privacy with things such as the internet, I directly think back to the days when I was their age and my mother went thru my stuff...everything...diary, notebooks, hell she even listened in on some of my phone conversations. I swear, I am still p*ssed about that to this day. She had NO REASON not to trust me, I was the squarest kid ever. But I never could trust my own mother and it was obvious although I never gave her a reason not to trust me that she didn't. I feel like myspace and other internet communications are somewhat like our diaries of yesteryear...
I trust my kids, always have, and I know that they're responsible while on the internet. I don't have to hover over their shoulders or sneak in to look at what they're doing when they don't know I am checking up on them. I'm lucky that way though, they tell me everything. Some will say sure they do, but *they do*.

everyone feels differently about this kind of stuff, so my 2 cents won't matter to everyone, but I felt like chiming in. In some homes computers in every room and myspaces aren't that big a deal.
Unschoolnma and Dar, I liked your points of view. Right on.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Full 100% total privacy is a privelege that comes with adulthood IMO, as is the ability to make all of your own decisions--otherwise, there wouldn't be things that are legal for adults and illegal for children. If my child wants to chose his own high school classes, fine. If he wants to drop out? I don't think so, sorry. If my child wants to talk to his friends online, fine. If he wants to be friends with a 14 year-old girl he's never met, then meet her at the mall, not without me there. Trusting that your child will come to you when he needs help is a good thing. However, believing your child will ALWAYS know when he needs help is not. Children don't have the desire to go off with 50 year-old perverts when they agree to meet the 14 year old girl they've been chatting with at the mall, but they could be doing it anyway.

Quote:

The ONLY people I have ANY contact with on it are my friends
Well, I came in contact with nasty people on it even as a teen, and I know lots of kids who have come in contact with nasty people. I've been messaged at least three times by perverts trying to get me to send them nude photos, despite the fact that my profile states I'm married. Even if my child is old enough to say no, that's still not a question I even want them being asked.

Quote:

my mother went thru my stuff...everything...diary, notebooks, hell she even listened in on some of my phone conversations.
See, this is going to the extremes. Keeping an eye on your kids, checking up after them, knowing who they are talking to, what they are saying, etc. isn't the same thing as reading their private diary & stripsearching them. I had my privacy invaded as a teen and hated it and resent it even today, and I'll never do all that my parents did to me to my children...but that isn't going to stop me from being informed.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
otherwise, there wouldn't be things that are legal for adults and illegal for children.

 That could be a whole other post lol. (At least from me)









Quote:

If my child wants to chose his own high school classes, fine. If he wants to drop out? I don't think so, sorry.
 See, that would be fine here. (Of course, we are unschoolers so...)

Quote:

Even if my child is old enough to say no, that's still not a question I even want them being asked.
This wouldn't be an issue here. Obviously we aren't down with the kids emailing naked photos of themselves to someone, but just being asked by someone sketchy online isn't a crisis, IMO, it's an _opportunity_. An opportunity to talk, make good decisions, and be responsible. Both the kids know that these things happen online all the time. In their email boxes there is spam all the time with sexual titles. They just roll their eyes and delete. (And laugh







)

Quote:

I had my privacy invaded as a teen and hated it and resent it even today, and I'll never do all that my parents did to me to my children...but that isn't going to stop me from being informed.
 These convos tend to run to the extreme examples I agree. Informed is a good thing...for both parent and kid.







It's just how we all go about being informed that differs I think. I feel that I can be informed without knowing my kids passwords, checking their browser history, and letting them have internet access in their room.


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## CraftyGardenerTN (Sep 5, 2006)

Myspace is no place for anyone under 16...maybe even 18. I cannot believe the stuss they allow on there. You can search their friends list and everything else but you have no way of knowing what groups they are visiting on there. Their are ones meant for pot smokers, groing pot, having sex...you name it and I have come across it on myspace. In a large percent of kids curiosity will come before what Mom and Dad taught them. There have been several cases on myspace as well where older men were pretending to be teens. So you may check thier friends list but an old pervert may look like a playful teen.

Kelly


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Well, we obviously just have a different perspective when it comes to a few issues on child-rearing, and I really doubt you and I will agree on these things.









Quote:

I feel that I can be informed without knowing my kids passwords, checking their browser history, and letting them have internet access in their room
I imagine this was true as well of the parents whos children have been kidnapped, abducted, or sexually assaulted because of Myspace--or who have almost had those things happen. I'm not saying it's impossible to keep your children safe without checking browser history and whatnot, but I do think the guarantee is a little more concrete. Trust is abstract.


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## mamaofthreecats (Aug 17, 2006)

i have a myspace and i don't think that younger teenagers should use it. my cousin is fifteen and she has her profile set to private, and people can't even send her messages unless they have her email address. i've noticed that she only goes on there to talk to her family and friends. however, not all younger people are as responsible. i've gotten a lot of male from freaks.

i suppose if you're a parent and your kid has a myspace, don't hesitate to invade their privacy---it is a public profile after all. i saw a thing on tv where a woman pretended to be a new girl at school and was really spying on her son on myspace---that seemed to work.


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## mamaofthreecats (Aug 17, 2006)

as far as cameras---that's just weird. i understand that they seem fun and all to teenagers, but it seems more bad than good comes from those things. i wouldn't let my son have one, that's for sure.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
I'm not saying it's impossible to keep your children safe without checking browser history and whatnot, but I do think the guarantee is a little more concrete. Trust is abstract.

I can't speak for unschoolnMa, but I believe that the best way to keep my daughter safe is to create a relationship of mutual trust. I think that letting her know that I found her untrustworthy, especially without cause, would significantly decrease her trust in me... and if she doesn't trust me, perhaps she won't ask for my help or advice, or talk to me about her life and her problems, and then I would be a lot more worried about her making bad choices.

I suppose it really does require a paradigm shift, though... if you don't have that kind of relationship with your child, I imagine it's hard to imagine not feeling that you have to check up on him.

Dar


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

Quote:

I suppose it really does require a paradigm shift, though... if you don't have that kind of relationship with your child, I imagine it's hard to imagine not feeling that you have to check up on him.
I agree 100% with this statement.

As a child I had no curfew, no boundaries as a teen etc. I was always home at 11pm, I did not drink or do drugs or even have sex, etc until I was older and when I did I told my parents.

On the other hand, my peers who had these curfews, parents calling them every 5 mins, etc...were really WILD. Not saying this is the norm for all children who are supervised more closely, but it seems to be the case while I was a teen.


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## mystik_lilac (Oct 2, 2006)

I didn't read all the replies on this thread. But I do have a few suggestions.
I am a moderator in a chatroom on another forum. We have a lot of teenagers come in and some of the things they say would just amaze you. I don't believe that their parents have any idea of the personality these kids have on the internet. We have a 16 year old girl, that has pictures of herself in her gallery that are legal...but not appropriate. I tried to talk to her about this as a parent. Tell her she shouldn't have pictures like that...she's asking for trouble. Unfortunately, our kids are growing up too fast.
I would definately pay attention to who they are speaking to and what they say about themselves. It is very important that they don't give out any personal information. While most teens say they would never say anything about where they live, they may accidentally do it. For example: Say your teenage son says he lives in Missouri. Then on another day mentions living in a college town. Then on another day mentioning that he lives close to a grocery store. An online predator could definately put pieces together and narrow down where that teen might live.
I think its just an overall good idea to be aware of what they're doing online, while still respecting their privacy. It has to be a two way street.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
I can't speak for unschoolnMa, but I believe that the best way to keep my daughter safe is to create a relationship of mutual trust. I think that letting her know that I found her untrustworthy, especially without cause, would significantly decrease her trust in me... and if she doesn't trust me, perhaps she won't ask for my help or advice, or talk to me about her life and her problems, and then I would be a lot more worried about her making bad choices.

 Aww heck Dar, you can speak for me at least 90% of the time I think!







I agree with all of this. I want her to be able to come to me about anything, even something she thinks she has done wrong or is embarrased about, and know that that she can find honesty and support rather than me trying to control all that she does online. She got a message from a man in his 20's asking if she'd like to meet them offline. She never even responded to him, ignored his messages, and told me about it promptly. Coolness.









Quote:

I suppose it really does require a paradigm shift, though... if you don't have that kind of relationship with your child, I imagine it's hard to imagine not feeling that you have to check up on him.
 ITA. If that's not the kind of stuff you already have happening it would be difficult to see how it works.


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## yaM yaM (Nov 9, 2003)

I might have subscribed to beliefs more along the lines of coercive parenting before I became the mama of an older child.

As my firstborn grows older (and she's not yet requested a MySpace but it's only a small amount of time before she does, in my estimation), I can see that she needs my respect, trust and support more than ever. As a pre-teen, she faces not only more complex and worldly situations than when she was little, but also within her own being is a rapidly growing, strong need for independence, self-declared integrity (based on *her* *own* developing value system - which, I'm proud to say, strongly reflects the values I exposed her to in her early childhood), self-regulation, and self-reliability.

I'm well aware of the fact that I _could_ potentially utilize my authority as parent to crack down and ask 20 questions at will. I also know the look in my daughter's eyes when I push too hard for information. So I have bent in kind. I see the laws of attraction and repulsion in action, here, because no matter how independent and head-strong she may be - she still sees me as 'mightier' sheerly because I am her mommy. I know that I felt intimidated by my parents, with very little effort on their part, well into adulthood. Heck, I'm now 35 and still find myself feeling veeery impressionable by my father (my only living parent). I think it comes down to the strong, innate inclination toward wanting our parents' love and approval.

I know from my own experience as a teen that, if pushed too far, I eventually became apathetic about my need for their approval because their control pushed me to the point of caring _even more_ about my autonomy and the very real threat they posed to it by means of universal distrust and control. Keep in mind that I never actually DID anything as a teen to deserve that. Looking back, it was more of their preconceived notions and general attitude of 'not trusting children' that caused the most damage to our relationship. I know this because I've had to spend many years _un_learning that concept.

It is not true, in my personal philosophy, that children should be automatically not-trusted, but that is, sadly, the first inclination (automatic reaction) in my mind due to my upbringing. I am proud to say, however, that I've achieved a place where I no longer react to that inclination when it comes to me. Instead, I notice it silently and smile to myself knowingly. I feel great peace from the progress I have made in this area, knowing that my children are not only receiving the benefits of my evolution of perspective, but also that they're watching _me_ show _them_ the way out of hell. Because, really, general distrust toward those we're most intimate with is truly a living hell.

FWIW - we are unschoolers, and my daughter has a computer and internet access in her room. And I agree with UnschoolnMa's comments regarding MySpace as a vehicle and that the issue really lies on the decision-maker and their decision-making process. I like the discussions the internet gives us the opportunity to have regarding safety and personal boundaries. In fact, in many ways, it's easier to talk about these things in the context of something I can watch _with_ her, right there, than something that occurs when she's away from me with her friends.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

You have a lovely way with words May May.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:

I believe that the best way to keep my daughter safe is to create a relationship of mutual trust. I think that letting her know that I found her untrustworthy, especially without cause, would significantly decrease her trust in me... and if she doesn't trust me, perhaps she won't ask for my help or advice, or talk to me about her life and her problems, and then I would be a lot more worried about her making bad choices.

I suppose it really does require a paradigm shift, though... if you don't have that kind of relationship with your child, I imagine it's hard to imagine not feeling that you have to check up on him.
Even a child with a good relationship isn't always going to know a situation is dangerous or how to make the good choice in every situation. A statement like this suggests that every child who has been abducted, kidnapped, or sexually assaulted because of the internet have been children who didn't have a trusting relationship with their parents...when most likely the obvious was true. Now perhaps every parent of every child was neglectful or overbearing, and it was those two extremes that caused the tragedy...but I really doubt it, and I find that quite an offensive suggestion.

Quote:

We have a lot of teenagers come in and some of the things they say would just amaze you.
Yeah, I seen teens acting this way as well. I imagine either their parents are extremely neglectful and careless, extremely controlling, OR just have a very trusting relationship with a child that they overestimate. It happens all of the time. Many children take freedom and trust and do good with it. Not every child does. Even on NEOPETS, a G-rated site, I see kids whose parents probably think NOTHING of them being on that site, saying things that are disgusting.

Quote:

She got a message from a man in his 20's asking if she'd like to meet them offline. She never even responded to him, ignored his messages, and told me about it promptly
Would she do the same if she got a msg from a 14 year-old girl that went to her school, asking if she wanted to meet up at the mall and make friends? Because that girl could very well be a 40 year old pedophile.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FEDUP* 
I agree 100% with this statement.

As a child I had no curfew, no boundaries as a teen etc. I was always home at 11pm, I did not drink or do drugs or even have sex, etc until I was older and when I did I told my parents.

On the other hand, my peers who had these curfews, parents calling them every 5 mins, etc...were really WILD. Not saying this is the norm for all children who are supervised more closely, but it seems to be the case while I was a teen.


Its all the kid... I had no curfew, no boundaries, etc... and I was smoking pot, taking lsd, having sex, getting into cars with strangers, and much much more... so to me that idea doesnt hold water.

I needed boundaries and no one noticed. My dad was a single father who wanted to be the good guy... My dd if given an inch will try and take a mile, she always gets caught so she shoots herself in the foot. She isnt sexually active, she isnt doing drugs or drinking but she does smoke sometimes and does like boys and kisses and all that stuff. We talk about things, she knows that I am therefor her etc but that doesnt mean she isnt going to push limits and try things that might not be best for her.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Would she do the same if she got a msg from a 14 year-old girl that went to her school, asking if she wanted to meet up at the mall and make friends? Because that girl could very well be a 40 year old pedophile.[/QUOTE]

Very good point!


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:

Would she do the same if she got a msg from a 14 year-old girl that went to her school, asking if she wanted to meet up at the mall and make friends? Because that girl could very well be a 40 year old pedophile.
Dd is an unschooler so the school thing doesn't quite work, but I get what you are saying. If that happened she would talk to me about it. She doesn't go anywhere really without talking to me about it first. She wouldn't go to the mall without checking/telling me first. (And I wouldn't leave without telling her either, interestingly enough lol.) It's just respectful and how we are. If that situation came up I would ask if she knew the girl was who she claimed to be (like as in had she seen/met her before?) and if it would be cool for me to come along to make sure things were fine, etc.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
Even a child with a good relationship isn't always going to know a situation is dangerous or how to make the good choice in every situation. A statement like this suggests that every child who has been abducted, kidnapped, or sexually assaulted because of the internet have been children who didn't have a trusting relationship with their parents...when most likely the obvious was true. Now perhaps every parent of every child was neglectful or overbearing, and it was those two extremes that caused the tragedy...but I really doubt it, and I find that quite an offensive suggestion.

I'm not sure what you mean by "the obvious"... however, I cannot see how my daughter could possibly be kidnapped because of the internet. Well, okay, I suppose some computer wizard guy might kind her myspace and trace our IP address and break into our ISP's records and then come here and break in while she was home alone (and for some reason the dog didn't alert or she didn't call 911) and kidnap here... but I know she's not going to go meet the "cute 14 year old boy" who IMs her without telling me, in some private place and without an adult around. She never has, and she's been online for years. Plenty of adult women meet sleazeballs on the net and get killed... I think she's about as likely to do something like this as I am, and I guess I'm comfortable with that.

Could she be kidnapped or assaulted? Sure. She wanders around our college town's downtown, rides her bike around, walks the dog... there are opportunities, and it's probably far more likely than her being kidnapped by someone she meets online. But, as with myspace, the benefits outweigh the risks for us, and she knows how to take care of herself as well as I do (and she's physically stronger, sad to say...).

I think it's typical, in our society, for teens to have fairly poor, mistrustful relationships with their parents, so much so that we find it normal. I don't find it "extreme" at all... I actually think UnschoolnMa and May May and I are the ones who are "extreme", because we do trust our kids. People joke with me all the time about how difficult teens are to parent, and what a "rough" stage it is, and then they laugh like it's a joke. I *love* parenting my teen. It's a total joy.

And yeah, what UnschoolnMa said. That's pretty much how it would play out here... and also Rain would undoubtedly ask anyone new questions about whatever group he claimed to be affiliated with (since she's also unschooled, it wouldn't be school for her either) and who he knew...

Dar


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

Quote:

Its all the kid... I had no curfew, no boundaries, etc... and I was smoking pot, taking lsd, having sex, getting into cars with strangers, and much much more... so to me that idea doesnt hold water.
hmmm maybe that...my dad was a single father too, but we were really close. We went to church together, sang together, he took time to read with me, go to my school functions, so that trust we had with each other ran deep. I dunno??

I guess that my son and I have that same bond. He tells me everything that I would think most 12 year old wouldnt tell their moms, but maybe he could hide stuff from me. But he def. wouldnt hide the fact that he is talking with some stranger on msn then meeting them and running off with them. I am 110% sure of this!!


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Unschoolnma, sounds like you've got it under control.

Quote:

I cannot see how my daughter could possibly be kidnapped because of the internet.
I guess you haven't read all of the news stories about children who were kidnapped because of the internet.

Quote:

"Well, okay, I suppose some computer wizard guy might kind her myspace and trace our IP address and break into our ISP's records and then come here and break in while she was home alone (and for some reason the dog didn't alert or she didn't call 911) and kidnap here..."
Assuming that she gets to the phone in time--and that the police come in time, this wouldn't be a problem. Is it inevitable that she will dial 911 in time and that the police will arrive in time? And there are a LOT of computer wizard guys that can do this, btw. A lot of internet predators are VERY good with computers.

Quote:

but I know she's not going to go meet the "cute 14 year old boy" who IMs her without telling me, in some private place and without an adult around"
What about a 14 year old little girl who claims to know her from somewhere? Do you think that she couldn't be kidnapped in a public place, with an adult around? Because that has happened to a lot of children as well. These people don't just go 'oh, I think I'll kidnap someone today.' They plan for weeks; they talk to each other and give each other tips. They are sick. And they are out there. And they know how to talk to children, entice them to go somewhere, and to swipe them even when the world is watching. All you have to do is turn your head for a single minute. This can happen to a teenager as easily as a toddler, even if they put up a fight. You can't put up much of a fight when someone comes right up behind you with some cloroform, then quickly pulls you out of sight of everyone else. Even grown women can be kidnapped in public.

Quote:

I think she's about as likely to do something like this as I am, and I guess I'm comfortable with that.
Not all of us have perfect judgement 100% of the time, and that is true of children as well. There have been times where I have misjudged people. Now, thank goodness I wouldn't have gone to meet them, but it could have happened. It could happen to anyone.

Quote:

But, as with myspace, the benefits outweigh the risks for us, and she knows how to take care of herself as well as I do
That's good. So you don't mind her accidently clicking on the link to a person's Myspace who has pictures of their penis all over it? You can play videos on myspace. You can have them load as your page does. She could get a msg from a 14 year old boy, check out his page, and before she knows it, she's seeing a video of a 14 year old boy masturbating because it loaded automatically. Of course, that could happen on any site, but it's common on Myspace, journaling sites, and other places created for adults to run into pix of teen girls in suggesting photos or pedophiles who place nudes on their pages. You get a link, you go 'who is this guy? I'll look at his page to see if I know him.' And boom, penis in your face. It's not like some random link emailed to you that could be a link to a pr0n site. It's the link to someone's Myspace. And while sure, that doesn't put anyone in danger..I don't really want my children seeing people playing with themselves on the internet because they clicked someone's picture to check out their myspace page.

Quote:

I think it's typical, in our society, for teens to have fairly poor, mistrustful relationships with their parents, so much so that we find it normal.
I think that's very condescending. I don't think it's typical at all. No one has a perfect relationshp with their child. Now some relationships are better than others, but saying that 'poor' is typical feels wrong to me.

It is easy to underestimate your child and be too invasive; it's easy to overestimate your child and not be as informed as you think. I think it is very naive to believe that a child can handle any situation possible that they encounter in the world or on the internet and to always know when a situation is dangerous or out of hand. The world is not safe, and Myspace isn't like Neopets. Even here on MDC we get posts advocating things that we find offensive, don't we? Even on Neopets, kids post nasty things. However, the kind of things you can accidently run into on Myspace are a lot more disgusting.

And no matter how much I trust my son to make the right choice, I'm not going to send/allow him to go to dangerous places. I'm not going to let him drive on the freeway the day after getting his liscense or walk around in the ghetto at night. I'm not going to send him into a snake pit or a hornet's nest and just say "I trust you to handle it." To me, that's what Myspace is. There are a lot of nice folk on Myspace, but there are a lot of very savory folk on it as well. Myspace was made for adults. Children don't need to be on there withot supervision just like they don't need to meet in a bar to socialize without adults around, no matter how capable they are of telling the guy trying to get them home with him to bugger off.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
Unschoolnma, sounds like you've got it under control.

I guess you haven't read all of the news stories about children who were kidnapped because of the internet..

They weren't kidnapped because of the internet, they were kidnapped because they made bad decisions to meet people they didn't personally know, and usually lied to their parents about it. They could (and did, pre-internet) use phone chat lines and personal ads for the same purposes.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
Assuming that she gets to the phone in time--and that the police come in time, this wouldn't be a problem. Is it inevitable that she will dial 911 in time and that the police will arrive in time? And there are a LOT of computer wizard guys that can do this, btw. A lot of internet predators are VERY good with computers.

Can you name even ONE instance of a predator coming to someone's house to kidnap them having found the address through ISP records?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
What about a 14 year old little girl who claims to know her from somewhere? Do you think that she couldn't be kidnapped in a public place, with an adult around? Because that has happened to a lot of children as well. These people don't just go 'oh, I think I'll kidnap someone today.' They plan for weeks; they talk to each other and give each other tips. They are sick. And they are out there. And they know how to talk to children, entice them to go somewhere, and to swipe them even when the world is watching. All you have to do is turn your head for a single minute. This can happen to a teenager as easily as a toddler, even if they put up a fight. You can't put up much of a fight when someone comes right up behind you with some cloroform, then quickly pulls you out of sight of everyone else. Even grown women can be kidnapped in public..

People are not kidnapped with anything like enough frequency for this to be a concern for me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
You get a link, you go 'who is this guy? I'll look at his page to see if I know him.' And boom, penis in your face.

A penis is a body part. My dd would probably laugh her ass off, and take the guy off her friends list. She won't die of shock from seeing a penis, she would just do the same thing I would - close the page.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
Assuming that she gets to the phone in time--and that the police come in time, this wouldn't be a problem. Is it inevitable that she will dial 911 in time and that the police will arrive in time? And there are a LOT of computer wizard guys that can do this, btw. A lot of internet predators are VERY good with computers.

Of course all of these things could happen. Lots of things could possibly happen, and sometimes unfortunate tragic things do. But I don't want to live a life totally based on avoiding every bad thing that might come to pass. There are what-if's to think of always. When my son walks to the store or the mall I worry about some of those. When my Dd goes with her friend to the movies I worry. I am a mom lol. But we do our best and get on with it. The kids do stay home alone quite a bit. Dar was saying that her Dd already goes and does things on her own anyway, so it would be much more likely for someone to approach/kidnap her in that environment than at her own home. Dh and I have left our kids home alone for quite a few hours before. We called to check in with them, and they know a variety of phone numbers to call if needed. I can't imagine always thinking the worst. How would we ever manage in life?

Quote:

All you have to do is turn your head for a single minute. This can happen to a teenager as easily as a toddler, even if they put up a fight. You can't put up much of a fight when someone comes right up behind you with some cloroform, then quickly pulls you out of sight of everyone else. Even grown women can be kidnapped in public.
 It can happen, but at the risk of sounding callous....so? I mean what does that mean? Cars wreck and buildings catch fire too. I know you are aren't suggesting that people should never go out because it's too dangerous. Are you saying that a teen should teens _always_ be with an adult??

Quote:

So you don't mind her accidently clicking on the link to a person's Myspace who has pictures of their penis all over it? You can play videos on myspace. You can have them load as your page does. She could get a msg from a 14 year old boy, check out his page, and before she knows it, she's seeing a video of a 14 year old boy masturbating because it loaded automatically.
(I know I am not Dar, but I figured it was as relevant for me) Do I mind? Well that's a strange way to put it I think. My Dd knows what a penis is, and she knows what masturbation is. I think if that happened she'd be suprised and then say something like "Wow! That's an interesting pic/video." and then move on. Oh and she'd tell me and her brother all about it. LOL While I am not really encouraging her to find all the porn she can, penises and the like aren't really an issue. You can't scare my family with genitalia.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Yes, but those kids wouldn't have been taken if it weren't for the internet, and I wouldn't allow my kids to use phone chat lines or place personal ads either. Again, those are things made for adults, just like Myspace, that should be used by adults.

Quote:

Can you name even ONE instance of a predator coming to someone's house to kidnap them having found the address through ISP records?
We learned about this in high school. It is a fallacy of logic, an appeal to ignorance. You ask a question to insinuate that if the person cannot answer, their point must be incorrect. That I don't know of any specific cases does not mean that it has not and cannot happen, just as the fact that you cannot prove it has NEVER happened doesn't mean that you're wrong.

http://www.ilovebeingamom.com/child-...predators.html
The ISP enables you to track sites visited, track downloads with graphics, and even check your e-mails. NOTE: It is essential that your check all information your server provides you, since they too have the ability to Track your every move. Predators can work at server providers' offices!

http://www.michigan.gov/ag/0,1607,7-...1162--,00.html

http://www.wiredsafety.org/cyberstal...ing_qanda.html
'Armed only with an IP address and the desire to target another individual, a stalker or sexual predator will easily be able to pierce the fragile veil of anonymity afforded to Internet users. '

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2006/ap...l_predator_law
In this case, a girl had simply listed her zipcode on NEOPETS and found herself in a world of trouble. There's a nice set of statistics at the bottom.

Google it, and yo'll find lots of sites advertising software that can match a real address and loads of personal info to an IP address. If a parent can use it to track a sexual predator soliciting their children...so too can the predator use it.

I can't find any news articles about anyone actually being kidnapped because of ip tracking, but that doesn't change the fact that it can happen nor does it prove that it hasn't happened. I can't find news articles about a lot of things that I know for a fact have happened.

Quote:

People are not kidnapped with anything like enough frequency for this to be a concern for me.
We're obviously just very different.

Quote:

A penis is a body part. My dd would probably laugh her ass off, and take the guy off her friends list. She won't die of shock from seeing a penis, she would just do the same thing I would - close the page.
I'm sure any child of mine would do the same, but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with my daughter seeing a 30 year-old man's penis, much less him ejaculating.

Quote:

But I don't want to live a life totally based on avoiding every bad thing that might come to pass.
Neither do I, but taking a reasonable amount of evasive action isn't living your life based totally on avoiding every bad situation possible. I'm not going to worry about my son driving everyday, but I am going to worry about my son driving on the freeway six days after getting his liscense in the pouring rain. I'm not going to worry about my son googling stuff for his school project, but I am going to worry about him being on a site made for adults that is infested with pedophiles.

Quote:

Are you saying that a teen should teens always be with an adult??
No, just that it can be just as dangerous to agree to meet a stranger in public with an adult as it is to agree to meet one in private alone.

I'm not saying the genatalie and masturbation would be scary or harmful, but that doesn't mean I want my child on webpages where it's lurking around the corner, just as I don't want my kids watching Playboy (or even Nip/Tuck, lol)


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I like when I can just wait a few minutes to respond and find that someone has done it for me... two people, even.









So yeah, maybe I could turn my back for a second at the library and a man with a gun and chloroform could appear and drag my daughter off into the bushes...but that's just not a big worry for me. Outside of CSI, I don't think it happens. Even if it does, you can't live life giving up opportunities because of the one in a billion chances that something will go wrong.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery*
And no matter how much I trust my son to make the right choice, I'm not going to send/allow him to go to dangerous places. I'm not going to let him drive on the freeway the day after getting his liscense or walk around in the ghetto at night. I'm not going to send him into a snake pit or a hornet's nest and just say "I trust you to handle it." To me, that's what Myspace is. There are a lot of nice folk on Myspace, but there are a lot of very savory folk on it as well.

Do you mean unsavory? There are unsavory people everywhere...

Seems to me that there are classist/racist overtones to your "ghetto" comment, so I'll leave that for now, except to note that when my daughter has walked around "ghettos" at night she's been with friends who live there... and if my child wanted to drive on the freeway and had adequate information about it (driving experience, knowledge about the freeway, etc) I can't see why I'd try to prevent it.

And yeah, we're not really afraid of penises here, either... and really, if someone felt compelled to put a photo of himself masterbating on his myspace, and we saw it before it was taken down, we'd definitely laugh, because that's just pathetic...

dar


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
We learned about this in high school. It is a fallacy of logic, an appeal to ignorance. You ask a question to insinuate that if the person cannot answer, their point must be incorrect.

Are you equalliy worried about your child being kidnapped by fairies? Just because I can't show you an cases of it happening doesn't mean that it couldn't...

Quote:

http://www.ilovebeingamom.com/child-...predators.html
The ISP enables you to track sites visited, track downloads with graphics, and even check your e-mails. NOTE: It is essential that your check all information your server provides you, since they too have the ability to Track your every move. Predators can work at server providers' offices!
Making money off the internet predator hysteria.

Quote:

http://www.wiredsafety.org/cyberstal...ing_qanda.html
'Armed only with an IP address and the desire to target another individual, a stalker or sexual predator will easily be able to pierce the fragile veil of anonymity afforded to Internet users. '
This was 2 or 3 years ago, and the "loophole" is closed. It was about record companies being able to get access to people's addresses from ISPs so that they could sue for illegal downloading. I have yet to see the cyberstalker who was able to successfully convince an ISP that he was truly a record company.

Quote:

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2006/ap...l_predator_law
In this case, a girl had simply listed her zipcode on NEOPETS and found herself in a world of trouble. There's a nice set of statistics at the bottom.
"A world of trouble" being a man asking for photos and telling her he knew where she lived? Which he may or may not have, judging from the article. How is this different from the man on the street who says the same sort of thing.... except that is this case, she has no physical contact with the man.

Quote:

Google it, and yo'll find lots of sites advertising software that can match a real address and loads of personal info to an IP address. If a parent can use it to track a sexual predator soliciting their children...so too can the predator use it.
I tried... didn't find any. I know you can trace IP addresses to a city, but an actual address?

Quote:

No, just that it can be just as dangerous to agree to meet a stranger in public with an adult as it is to agree to meet one in private alone.
I strongly disagree..

Quote:

I'm not saying the genatalie and masturbation would be scary or harmful, but that doesn't mean I want my child on webpages where it's lurking around the corner, just as I don't want my kids watching Playboy (or even Nip/Tuck, lol)
My child doesn't especially want to be on these webpages, either... so she doesn't click on them.

I just asked her how many penises she's seen in her 2 or 3 years on myspace. "Zero... but I've seen a couple boobs," was her reply. She has seen a few on google images, accidentally... and of course some in real-life photos, at the gay pride store. Just some data points.

Dar


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
No, just that it can be just as dangerous to agree to meet a stranger in public with an adult as it is to agree to meet one in private alone.

 I do think that, in a sticky situation, my Dd is generally safer with me than without. It doesn't mean that she is always with me though, or that she will always be doomed without me.

Quote:

(or even Nip/Tuck, lol)
 Ahh yes. We do do this parenting thing differently lol.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
I just asked her how many penises she's seen in her 2 or 3 years on myspace. "Zero... but I've seen a couple boobs," was her reply. She has seen a few on google images, accidentally... and of course some in real-life photos, at the gay pride store. Just some data points.

Following your example I just asked Dd how many penises she had seen in the last 3 years. Her answer was much the same. She said she has seen 2 penises: One while looking at a band webpage, and one intentionally when she wanted to see the difference between a circ'd and uncirc'd penis.







Boobs do pop up more, not the least of which in the art I create.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

LOL, it's not a big worry for me usually either, but it would be if we were going to meet a stranger from the internet.

Yes, I meant unsavory, and while there are everywhere, there are places where there are ore unsavory characters than other places.

I didn't say anything about race whatsoever. Every place I have ever lived, there are people of MANY races living in the 'ghetto' and a higher crime rate.

Information isn't the same as experience.

I'm not afraid of penises, just don't think my kids have any business seeing them on the internet.

Quote:

Are you equalliy worried about your child being kidnapped by fairies? Just because I can't show you an cases of it happening doesn't mean that it couldn't...
Another fallacy of logic, a false analogy, where you compare two things that are ridiculously unsimilar and only compare in a very superficial ways. Fairies haven't been proven to exist; child predators and IP tracking software do exist.

Quote:

Making money off the internet predator hysetria.
That doesn't make the threat any less real.

Quote:

I know you can trace IP addresses to a city, but an actual address?
It's not as simple as just entering an IP address and getting an actual address. It takes a bit more work, but no, it is not incredibly difficult for a person to use someone's IP address to locate the computer they are using. Police do it all the time. Do you think they are the only ones capable?

Quote:

My child doesn't especially want to be on these webpages, either... so she doesn't click on them.
Just out of curiosity, how does she know before clicking on someone's profile whether or not porn will be on it?

Quote:

I do think that, in a sticky situation, my Dd is generally safer with me than without. It doesn't mean that she is always with me though, or that she will always be doomed without me.
I agree; they are safer with you than without...but that doesn't mean I want my kids in those sticky situations either way, so I probably wouldn't want them meeting anyone off the internet!

Boobs pop up a lot. Even on profiles of 13 year olds unfortunately..


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfirefaery* 
I'm not afraid of penises, just don't think my kids have any business seeing them on the internet.

I'm imagining that you don't read Savage Love with your child every week either... wait, I just noticed that your son is *15 months old*? Um, it doesn't seem that you have any real-world experience parenting preteens or teens... and while of course you have the right to express your opinions, I can't help but take them with a large grain of salt coming from someone without any experience with parenting a teen or preteen at all...

Quote:

That doesn't make the threat any less real.
That people are making money off it? No, but it sure makes their webpages very suspect as sources of information. If I'm selling something to protect you something, it's in my interest to convince you that the threat is serious and that it could affect you. There's a clear bias...

Quote:

Just out of curiosity, how does she know before clicking on someone's profile whether or not porn will be on it?
Does she know 100%? No, but then neither do I. We can use good judgement to reduce the likelihood, though, which has worked so far. If it doesn't work, we can close the windows.

Quote:

Boobs pop up a lot. Even on profiles of 13 year olds unfortunately.
Probably... but not the ones my daughter is friends with, and not the ones who have close, trusting parental relationships.

dar


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## mama in the forest (Apr 17, 2006)

:


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

After reading the post on here I feel that people are failing to see that teenagers have minds of their own and want to explore their "adulthood". They have parents for a reason. To guide and look after them. It is my job as a mom to protect my child. Even as a teen she is still a child. Under my care. Anyone will tell you the number one saftey rule for teens and the internet is to keep the computer in the open, not in a bedroom locked away. We can give our children knowledge, wisdom and trust but they have their own minds and will make their own choices, even ones they know we wont approve of. Why? Because they are young adults testing the waters, learning lifes lessons and why risk their saftey by letting them take the lead in such dangers territory?


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers* 
After reading the post on here I feel that people are failing to see that teenagers have minds of their own and want to explore their "adulthood".

 No I agree fully that teenagers have minds of their own and that they are coming into adulthood. Where have we failed to see that?

Quote:

They have parents for a reason. To guide and look after them. It is my job as a mom to protect my child.
 I agree. I look after my kids and I help them learn how to look after themselves. They've got a pretty big chunk of it down already.









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Anyone will tell you the number one saftey rule for teens and the internet is to keep the computer in the open, not in a bedroom locked away.
 And that's fine for anyone who is so inclined. I just happen to disagree that it's a must or necessary. I think we can navigate the internet safely with my kids having their own PC.

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We can give our children knowledge, wisdom and trust but they have their own minds and will make their own choices, even ones they know we wont approve of. Why? Because they are young adults testing the waters, learning lifes lessons and why risk their saftey by letting them take the lead in such dangers territory?
My kids and I do not always agree. It's alright though. On the big stuff we come to a place of agreement. We even come to a place of agreement on what the big stuff is! I don't see MySpace as automatically dangerous territory.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

Well, apparently despite the fact that I myself was a teenager just 2 years ago, have an 18 year old brother that I offer lots of guidance to, as well as several teenage brothers-in-law going through teenage-specific issues that they share with me, have myself encountered plenty of things on MySpace that I doubt I'd have been comfortable with as a teenager, and I've done plenty of research and heard what 'experts' from both ends of the spectrum have to say, I don't have a valid point of view on this issue because my son is only 15 months old. I couldn't possibly know anything about being/raising a teenager because of that, so therefore I'll say forewell. I thought that you don't have to give birth to a child and raise them into teenagerhood to be aware of the issues that go along with being a teenager, to remember what it was like to be a teenager, or to have experience guiding teenagers through such issues. Thank you for showing me how wrong I was.







Later.

Tinas3muskateers, ITA.


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

computer in the living room

me being a friend on dc's myspace (just create a dummy account if you don't ahev one) so I can see dc's friends (and talk about them with dc if necessary) but not the e-mails. If dc's account is set to private, than there can't be random e-mails, just e-mail from her online friends, whose profiles I can view. I think dc's e-mails are private, but being able to view the profile means that if there is anything going on (bullying etc), I will be aware of it an able to talk about it


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Just a reminder than sarcasm is a violation of the UA...

And yes, I do believe that parenting (I don't like the implications of the word "raising") a teen is very different from being a teen, having teen-age siblings, or reading about teens. I think living through most parenting experiences is very different from reading about them, or having been parented.

dar


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## EastonsMom (Oct 24, 2005)

I think that is WAY to young for myspace. There is far to much CRAP on and out there that I would NOT won't my son seeing or even thinking about at 12, even 13. I know todays tweens and you teenagers are NOT the Sam as my generation which was not all that long ago. I know my mom would have said HELLLLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOO to myspace and yes I would have been furious and mortified and everyother part of teen angst that comes up between parnet and CHILD but now as an adult and a parnet I can see and respect the barriers that were placed on me as a CHILD. 12/13 is still a child I think and it is such a formable age. Good luck. I think the things I got the maddest at my mom about in retrospect were the most important and needed boundries. I am SOOO not looking forward to that age. Good luck again!


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

My opinion about the safety of the internet and whether MySpace is safe for teenagers and how to protect a teen onlinet isn't less valid because of my son's age. Taking care of and providing guidance to several teenage siblings may be different from parenting, but it does give you experience 'dealing with' teens. I don't have to have parented a teenager to remember what I was like as a teenager and what I probably needed from my parents. Parenting experience isn't the only valid basis for an opinion.

Isn't name calling against the UA as well? Why is it okay for you to insinuate that I am racist for using the word 'ghetto' but not for me to be sarcastic? You may not have come right out and said 'you are racist,' but you did state that my 'ghetto' comment had racist overtones--which would make me racist. Semantics. Your posts have a lot of sarcastic overtones, while not being overly sarcastic.

This discussion has been full of fallacies of logic and insinuations. First, the appeal to ignorance, then the red herring of racism, then the false analogy, & finally a dismissal of my opinion altogether based on my son's age. Maybe half of the discussion involved actual exchanges of opinions and points. What was the deal with responding to my statement that I don't think my kids need to be seeing penises all over the internet with the 'grain of salt' comment? Am I not allowed to be anti-kids-seeing-porn unless my child is a certain age? Why can't there ever just be a polite exchange of opinions and facts?


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