# 3 and 5 year old children playing unsupervised in front yard



## Mamasjoy (Jul 10, 2007)

Hi everyone,

On two occasions I witnessed my just turned 3 year old niece and 5 year old nephew playing unsupervised in their front yard. A couple of weeks ago they were left for about 25 minutes and today for at least 10 or 15 minutes. My SIL is in the house getting ready (this happens just before they have an outing).

Their street is not an extremely busy street, but it is not a quiet crescent either. But I don't know if that's even relevant. The fact is, cars are driving by. I use it as a thoroughfare as others do.

Now here's my *dilemma* - I'm afraid to say anything to my brother because I know he will tell me to mind my own business. He's just like that. He doesn't like anyone telling him how to raise his family. He's very defensive especially when it comes to his wife (who in my opinion doesn't pull her own weight, which induces much stress in my brother's life. He does _everything_ around the house from cooking to taking care of the kids and house - but that's another story.)

_Should I mind my own business (and live with it if one of the kids gets hit by a car, God forbid) or say something to my brother?_

BTW, I am not a busybody sister/SIL. I always keep my distance because I know that's what my brother wants, which I think is very sad. So formal. Is family supposed to be this way?

I'm interested in hearing what others would do in this situation.

Thanks!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I don't think it's big deal for kids that age to play in the front yard. Their parents know if the younger one still goes out in the street or not. I see kids that age play outside in front and back yards all the time in our neighborhood, though my dd was 4 before she did. I vote MYOB.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Do you honestly think they would run into the street? My experience with living on a moderately busy through street was that ds was more street wise than kids who lived on quieter streets. Or are you worried about their being kidnapped? Some people choose to not let the unlikeliness of that rule their lives. My ds probably would have freaked and run into the house if a car stopped...


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## StrongBeliever (Apr 24, 2007)

My kids are that age and they get to play unsupervised in the yard. I think it's the mom and dad's call... They are going to know whether or not their kids can handle that. Seems like SIL isn't throwing them out there for hours with no intention of checking in... What's a few minutes before the get ready to go somewhere? She knows where they are and knows she'll be out after them shortl.







I don't see the issue. If your brother has asked that you don't interject, this is certainly not a case that warrants stepping over that respect boundary.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

My 3 year old and 2 year old play out in the front yard, sometimes while I'm in the house (usually by the sliding door, so I can see them when I glance over). They know not to go in the road. It was a huge PITA to teach them that, but they know. It's a judgement call.

I don't think anything good would come of confronting them about it, but if you're concerned (do you think that your brother maybe isn't aware of the kids being in the yard unsupervised?) you could open up a conversation with something like "Wow, how did you guys teach Timmy and Sally not to go into the road?"

It's going to be hard for you to really address this with them because you do have some judgement about your SIL being lazy (which may or may not be justified, I don't know), and it seems like your brother is aware of this. So it's going to be hard for both of you to seperate out to what degree you are genuinally concerned about the children and to what degree you're seeing an opportunity to confirm your judgement of SIL as 'not pulling her weight'.


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

I think this is the kind of parenting decision that people make for themselves, and rarely welcome outside input on.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

I dont see anything wrong with playing in your front yard at three and five. When I was five I walked to my bus stop with my next door neighboor. The stop was 3 blocks from my house. My parents wouldnt have flinched at letting us play outside in the yard at three and five. Honestly, we were encouraged to.


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## 98741 (May 17, 2006)

i have to agree, my 2 and 4 play outside by themselves all the time, both front and back. So do most of the other neighbor kids. I just keep and eye and ear open so even though you don't see me checking on them, I am.


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## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

I don't think it's a big deal. I would just MYOB


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:

So formal. Is family supposed to be this way?
I totally agree with what the others have said-MYOB

if you told me I would question how you parent- so formal, seems to be reason for it, I would be deeply offend if you we watching to see what was going on at my home, and making judgement calls and trying to "parent" my children

how to do know you SIL was not watching them?

sadly too many parents no longer let children be children


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## StrongBeliever (Apr 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
So it's going to be hard for both of you to seperate out to what degree you are genuinally concerned about the children and to what degree you're seeing an opportunity to confirm your judgement of SIL as 'not pulling her weight'.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *serenbat* 
how to do know you SIL was not watching them?

sadly too many parents no longer let children be children


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

DD is 5 now, and when she was 3 I would let her play in front for a bit when we came in from somewhere or before we went out. We don't have a fence, and it is a pretty busy road.

I understand your fear--the road could have been an issue, but it has never been one here. DD was a pretty sharp three and understood the rules of being in front (she isn't allowed past a certain tree at the midway point of our yard) and all the interesting stuff is on our porch anyway.

I think you need to give your SIL & BIL credit for knowing their children's abilities and limits.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I don't think it's big deal for kids that age to play in the front yard. Their parents know if the younger one still goes out in the street or not. I see kids that age play outside in front and back yards all the time in our neighborhood, though my dd was 4 before she did. I vote MYOB.

I completely agree.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

My kids are 6, 3, and 3, and regularly play outside alone. I don't live on a busy street, but we do have cars coming past sometimes. My kids have enough sense to stay out of the road-- we've talked about it, and they understand, and I even once ran the car over a ripe watermelon, to show them what happens when things get hit by cars.

I do keep an eye on them-- I stay on the main floor of the house, and watch them through the window, but not continuously-- I don't see it as necessary, and if they couldn't play outside, they'd be stuck in the house with me, while I got my own work done, and that's no fun.

I would recommend minding your own business, and trusting them to work out their own family dynamics.


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## Mamasjoy (Jul 10, 2007)

I appreciate the respectful responses here. Thank-you for that. One of the reasons for my post was to find out from the experiences of others whether or not it is common for kids this young to be playing in the front yard alone. It seems that minding my own business (which was my gut feeling, by the way) and respecting the boundaries rule in this case.

_"if you told me I would question how you parent- so formal, seems to be reason for it, I would be deeply offend if you we watching to see what was going on at my home, and making judgement calls and trying to "parent" my children"_

Are you implying that the formality that exists between my brother and me is rooted in my behaviour? Is that _your_ judgement of _me_? Also, are you saying that I am spying??? I am not purposely driving by to see what's going on. Ultimately, I am simply concerned for the children's safety.

_"how to do know you SIL was not watching them?"_

I don't. I just assumed based on past experiences.

_"sadly too many parents no longer let children be children"_

A concern for children playing close to traffic is not letting children be children?


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra* 
I even once ran the car over a ripe watermelon, to show them what happens when things get hit by cars.

LOL! Fabulous. I wished I had thought of that.

OP, it seems very presumptuous of you to assume what your niece and nephew are/are not capable of, what their parents have/have not talked with them about, shown them.... If you said that to me, I'd probably just say "oh, ok" and roll my eyes and go on my way. I know best what my 3yo and 5yo are capable of, really I do. And they play outside front and back, and gasp - even out to the soccer field and over to the playground, without me standing in the area 24/7. If they go to the playground, I might finish up and come over 15-20 minutes later. Out front and back, no problem, they are often out there. At least half the time I am outside with them, because that is what they prefer, but half the time not.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

I too would MYOB. They aren't your kids. They're *their* kids. And they are obviously OK with them playing outfront by themselves. So, what are you going to do? Call the cops? CPS?? I mean, seriously.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamasjoy* 
_"sadly too many parents no longer let children be children"_

A concern for children playing close to traffic is not letting children be children?

THANK YOU! That remark kind got to me too, but I could NOT think of a cordial way of questioning it.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I think the "children be children" comment is probably about how a lot of paernts don't let children play outside unless a parent has the time to be outside with them. I sometimes feel badly about that too. I think playing outside is so good for children that they should be encouraged to do it as much as possible, and personally I feel unsupervised play is ideal because it's more child-led. Though I recognize that's just an opinion on my part. Anyway, my guess is that the comment about letting children be children is not about you as much as about the current culture that doesn't let kids run around outside as much as they could.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamasjoy* 
_"sadly too many parents no longer let children be children"_

A concern for children playing close to traffic is not letting children be children?

We posted at the same time. I can't speak for the PP, but for myself, yes, I think some parents today watch too much. I would rather give children the gentle, but steadily growing, responsibility of some personal freedom. Freedom to get into a few scrapes, problem solve on their own, explore the world around them, without a parent on watch.

A 3 and 5 year old who have been given some freedoms may be very capable to be outside front without running into traffic. More than another child who has constantly had mom or dad within arms reach 24/7 and doesn't know how to interact with the world at large. JMO.


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## Mamasjoy (Jul 10, 2007)

Mamazee, thank you for your support.

I can't help but feel a little attacked here.

I get it. I must mind my own business. But I am entitled to feel concerned for young children playing close to traffic. I know that they are "their" kids. I don't want to "parent" their children. I have my own to raise. But this situation also bring to light the fine line between minding your own business when safety issues are concerned. From what I have read here, allowing preschool children play in the front yard alone is pretty typical.

My husband and I do not allow our children in the front unsupervised and since I don't have anyone to consult with on this, I consulted this discussion board. So I wanted to know would you mind your own business in this matter or not. End of story.


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## Mamasjoy (Jul 10, 2007)

_"So, what are you going to do? Call the cops? CPS??"_

Is this really necessary?


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamasjoy* 
*My husband and I do not allow our children in the front unsupervised* and since I don't have anyone to consult with on this, I consulted this discussion board. So I wanted to know would you mind your own business in this matter or not. End of story.

I wont either, OP, until they are maybe 5 and 6. 3 is just a bit to young for my liking, and 5 doesnt seem like a proper chaperone if a problem arises. By the time the 5 year old comes to get me because the 3 year old is chasing after his ball that is rolling towards the road (and when my 3yo is focused on something, there is NO getting his attention yet) , its just to late.

But, maybe this is just MY kids. They are pretty high energy, bouncy, all over the place. I realize not all kids are like this.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm sure every parent who's had a child run out into the street and get hit by a car or been abducted would have told you before hand that it would never happen because their kid knows better. But obviously it does happen, and so I don't think your question was unreasonable and the snarky responses don't seem necessary to me. But yeah, I wouldn't bother trying to say anything to your brother.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My dd is and was bouncy and full of energy, which is why she wanted to play outside constantly at 4. In fact, she would have liked it at 3, but I couldn't trust her to not run into the street yet at that point. At 4 she knew better. I think it's a kid-by-kid thing, and most parents probably know when their kids are ready. It might be hard to predict when they'll be old enough, too. I recognized one day that she was outside playing with a neighbor and was fine, knew enough not to run into the street, but I had to get something going inside, and that there was no reason for her to have to come in too. It was more a recognition of what she could handle than something I planned.


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

Not only does it depend on your child, it also depends on the way your house is set up. Our current house is set up to open out into the front yard. My 4 and 6 yr old play out front all the time. They rarely, if ever, play in the backyard alone. We have a street that isn't that busy but cars do come down it to get into the rest of the neighborhood.

I think it is a judgment call and unless you think the children are in imminent danger (i.e., call CPS cause they're playing with guns unsafe), it should be a parental decision. Online, we can't make a judgment call on how safe or unsafe it might be.


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

My son is nearly 4....he only plays in the front yard if I am sitting on the steps/getting stuff from the car/playing with him....he has a backyard he can run around in without me worrying about him chasing a toy without thinking into the street. Sure it is a very quiet street...but why take that risk? So For me...and were it my neices I would likely say to my sil "gee I saw the girls playing out front the other day. Aren't you worried about them, I know I am always paranoid about ds?" Not questioning her choice but showing my concern were I in her shoes.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Mamasjoy--I wouldn't be comfortable with kids that age playing in the front yard (assuming there is no fence) alone, either. Aside from traffic concerns, tree are too many weirdos preying on kids. I regulary let my kids play in the fenced back yard without my direct supervision, but never the front yard. Let kids be kids, sure, but it's the parents' job to protect from reasonable danger.


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:

Is that your judgement of me? Also, are you saying that I am spying??? I am not purposely driving by to see what's going on. Ultimately, I am simply concerned for the children's safety.

"how to do know you SIL was not watching them?"

I don't. I just assumed based on past experiences.

judgement-NO

spying- does bring this into question

_assuming_ and seeing this twice,you really do not know for sure,
if someone did this to me (without proof) and then went to my DH I would be livid! I would feel I that someone is spying on me

Quote:

he will tell me to mind my own business
that kind of answers the question ---if this is a real safety threat, I would call the police or child protection, the post does not come across that it is

again, I would be deeply offended if this was done to me, I would not want to be watched and reported on


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## Mamasjoy (Jul 10, 2007)

My intention is not to offend, or spy (which I have been unfairly accused of doing). I am not looking to create problems between my SIL and me.

For all I know, the kids slipped outside without her knowing. I doubt my brother would let the kids in an unfenced front yard, near the street, alone (I DO know my brother somewhat). And I am NOT watching my SIL, waiting for her to make a wrong move. Please. Are we not adults here?


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## MissLotus (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Barbie64g* 
I wont either, OP, until they are maybe 5 and 6. 3 is just a bit to young for my liking, and 5 doesnt seem like a proper chaperone if a problem arises. .

These are my thoughts, too. I'm with you, OP. I think it's too young. Between traffic and child-snatchers out there, it's unwise to let such little kids play alone along the side of the road. Anyone that thinks it's really that unlikely has not paid much attention to the news lately. Don't think it can't be your kid - it's the unattended kids that get snatched.

Although my child has been "limited" this way, he's an extremely independent, curious, non-fearful kid. I think there are ways to "kids be kids" while being as careful as we can.


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

an adult should-

are you not to first protect the children (if in harm)
assist and or report to the police _immediately_
contact appropriate agencies if abuse is occurring

and if none of the above- isn't it a "parenting" choice that you simply disagree with?


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## 2cutiekitties (Dec 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra* 
I even once ran the car over a ripe watermelon, to show them what happens when things get hit by cars.

That is absolutely brilliant.

I won't let my 3.5 year old play alone because of stray dogs. That is the biggest concern here. If I had a fenced yard, front or back, then it would be different.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Llyra* 
and I even once ran the car over a ripe watermelon, to show them what happens when things get hit by cars.

wow if i had done this to my dd she would have had nightmares for years. yeah she is that kind of child.

for me i have found if i can relate anything to emotions my dd gets it well and almost immediately. all i told her was she would be broken and mommy and daddy would cry and cry. she got that.

plus seeing a shreiking mom at 18 months when she ran out on the street so completely shocked her that she never did it ever again.

living on a busy steet relying on public transport, i found yes my dd has much better road safety mechanisms in place at a much, much younger age than her peers. in fact when they came over to play she taught them the safety rules.

so yeah i do relate to in this case the parents ARE letting children be children, even if that to you means dangerously close to traffic.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

OP I don't think you're crazy for posting your concerns here. I certainly won't flame you. I'm surprised that so many parents posting here do let their kids of that age play unsupervised in an unfenced front yard. And I really don't mean that in a negative way... in fact I'm now wondering if I'm too protective of my children. I guess because I live in a highly populated, busy area, and because my ds is only very recently turned 3 that I wouldn't really consider letting him play out in the front alone. My dd is 6 and I would be totally comfortable with her in the same situation, but not to look after her brother if he was there too. But, like so many pps have said, I guess every kid is different, and parents (usually!) know when their kids are ready for more freedom and independence.


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## Mamasjoy (Jul 10, 2007)

Well, I decided to go against the advice given here and I spoke to my brother and I'm really glad I did!

I told him that I have seen his two children alone in the front yard on two occasions (as I was driving by) and was wondering if they are allowed to do so or if the children went out without permission. I explained that I didn't say anything earlier because I thought he would tell me to mind my own business... and you know what he said??? He said, "No, no, I wouldn't say that. I know that you just have their best interest at heart." I also added that I wanted to say something (felt morally obligated) because if I hadn't and something had happened (child being hit by a car), I would feel somewhat responsible for not having said anything (especially in the case of children going outside without parents realizing it).

It turns out that the children are permitted to go out while they are getting ready to go somewhere and are being watched through the window.

Open communication was the best option here.

By the way, he didn't accuse me of spying on his family and didn't feel the least bit threatened by whatever I had to say.

Thank you so much for those posters who were supportive.


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## Mamasjoy (Jul 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamasjoy* 
Hi everyone,

A couple of weeks ago they were left for about 25 minutes and today for at least 10 or 15 minutes. My SIL is in the house getting ready (this happens just before they have an outing).


Just thought I should clarify - I'm not hiding in the bushes around the corner or anything.

On both occasions I drove my son to school and on the way back I noticed that my niece and nephew were still out in the front.


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## pbjmama (Sep 20, 2007)

I can't imagine thinking at 3 and 5 yo could play safely in a front yard. I don't think a 3 yo has the kind of impulse control not to run out after a ball or similar.


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## OkiMom (Nov 21, 2007)

3 and 5, no they wouldn't be allowed outside by themselves for longer than it took me to run inside and put something inside or grab something from inside. I don't consider myself a "helicopter" parent but my brother was hit by a car when he was 9. He was being safe and knew the "rules" but it still happened. My husband's aunt was killed by a car coming up and over the sidewalk the day before her 8th birthday. In that situation her mother was sitting in the front yard and had just yelled at her to get back into the yard right before the man lost control and ran over the sidewalk. We are very road safety conscience over here. Things happen.

I think for me at least they would have be to around 7 or 8 to be unsupervised for anymore than 2-3 minutes in the front yard. And there would be definete rules (no playing near the sidewalks, no playing near the driveways, no running after anything come get me and Ill get it, etc).


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Op, I'm glad it's all worked out. I don't know if I would have said anything, but I would have wanted to.

To me, three is just so little to be outside unsupervised and five is too young to babysit.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

As recently as a few months ago, a poor father ran over his own daughter in his own DRIVEWAY. I believe she was 9, and was just running out to greet him, and he didnt see her.









3 and 5 would not be a risk Im willing to take just just let children be children.

Soooooo glad things worked out OP. I was going to suggest you say something along the exact lines of what you said. (perhaps SIL didnt even KNOW they were outside, so it didnt sound so accusatory)

And FTR, I would not be offended by thinking you were questioning my mama skills at all. I would be pleased to know you cared enough about my kids to say something.


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