# Labor "cheat sheet" for dad...



## UnskulinMama (Nov 1, 2005)

Not sure if this was the right place to post this, but I'll give it a shot...

DH and I are planning a natural childbirth with a group of *very* laidback CNMs in our local hospital. The hospital is known for being the most supportive of natural birth in our area and the CNMs are *awesome*. When we've showed them our birth plan (which included things like no IV or heplock, no drugs offered, delayed cord cutting, etc) they were totally onboard... They seemed almost suprised that we asked (in a "of course! it's your birth, absolutely" sort of way). I spoke to a friend who is a L&D nurse there and she admitted that they basically have two sorts of rules, one for patients of midwives and one for patients of OBs. (Midwife patients get to do whatever they want while OB patients are supposed to follow a set of "policies".)

Anyway... DH and I have not been able to attend any childbirth classes this time around. I feel mostly prepared (besides wanting to read a few more books still), but this is DH's first child, so he's a bit nervous about the actual process of labor and delivery and his part in it. He asked if I could come up with a sort of cheat sheet as to what he could do while I am in labor to help me out if I seem to need it. Obviously I'm the one that has to actually *labor* and I might decide I don't want anyone near me, but assuming that's not the case...

I thought I could post what I had so far and maybe folks reading this would have something to add. (What helped *you* while you were in labor?) Oh, and we're planning on staying home for as long as possible, though the hospital rooms do have tubs and such.

Ideas for ways to help during labor/suggestions for Lys:
Tub or shower
Sitting/rocking on birthing ball (ask nurses for it)
Rocking chair, if available
Walking
Changing position - standing, leaning, squatting, hands and knees, hands and knees while leaning on birth ball/edge of bed/someone's lap
Change of scenery
Massage
Eating/drinking something

Thanks!


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## sprout 1 (Oct 18, 2003)

we're planning a UC so my sheet would probably look a little different, but I'm planning on writing a list of our herbs and what to use them for, as well as some encouraging phrases for dh to remember and to remind me if we need that. I don't think I'll want him suggesting positions to me, but it would be nice to have affirming suggestions every once in a while! "you're doing great" things like that. Yeah dh needs a sheet to remember to say things like that


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

No questions during a contraction
Don't take anything personally (IE: you're talking, I say "shut up")
Remind me to blow through my lips (horsie flapping lips)
Don't stop what you're doing when a nurse/doctor/anyone walks in
Keep drinks with straws handy.
Keep everyone's breath fresh
Remind me I'm doing a good job and our baby is close.
Don't complain (about me, the nurse, you're feet, etc)
Don't criticize (me, the nurse, the cleaning crew, etc.)
Seeing me in pain will be hard to deal with because you love me so much. Please do not get worried and talk about pain medication.
Turn off the phones
cover the clocks
keep the mood calm, quiet and dim
Watch for twitching, wriggling, frowns, grimaces or curled toes
bring shorts so you can get in shower with me
Remind me it's normal
Remind me to pee
Remind me transition is the SHORTEST but HARDEST phase.

Take charge routine:

Reserve this for any time in labor when your partner hits an emotional low or:

She is in despair, weeps or cries out
She wants to give up and feels she cannot go on
She is very tense and cannot relax
She is in a great deal of pain
The Take Charge Routine is exactly that. You move in close and do all you can to help her until she regains her inner strength. Usually her despair is temporary; with your help she can pass through it and her spirits will rise. Use the following tips whenever appropriate:

Remain calm. Your touch should be firm and confident, your voice calm and encouraging.
Stay close by her side, your face near hers.
Anchor her. Hold her shoulders or head in your hands, gently, confidently, firmly. Or, hold her tightly in your arms.
Make eye contact. Tell her to open her eyes and look at you. Say it loudly enough that she can hear you, but calmly and kindly.
Change your ritual during contractions. Try a different position. Try changing the breathing pattern. Breathe with her or pace her with your hand or voice.
Encourage her every breath. Guide her in the patterned breathing: "Breathe with me...BREATHE WITH ME...That's the way...just like that...Good...STAY WITH IT...just like that...LOOK AT ME...Stay with me...Good for you...it's going away...good, good...Now just rest. That was so good." You can whisper these words or say them in a calm, encouraging tone of voice. Sometimes you have to raise your voice in order to get her attention. But try to keep your tone calm and confident.
Talk to her between contractions. Ask her if what your are doing is helping. Make suggestions; for example, "With the next one, let me help you more. I want you to look at me the moment it starts. We will breathe together so it won't get ahead of us. Okay? Good. You're doing so well. We're really moving now..."
Repeat yourself. She may not be able to continue what you tell her for more than a few seconds, but that's fine. Say the same things again and help her continue.


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## alison_in_oh (Nov 23, 2005)

A lot of this stuff is covered in the book The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. I really liked how it covered the stages of labor, and where the mother's mental state is likely to be in each, and good ways to keep her on track and figure out how to support her in the way she needs to be supported at the moment. I am desperate to get my husband to read it before my birth!









In fact I think the Take Charge Routine posted by mysticmomma comes from that book.


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

Hmm, well I didn't have a cheat sheet mainly because I wasn't planning on my husband being really involved with the labor. But I can see it having been handy if I'd've had the foresight to know what he needed to be told.









In hindsight, my cheat sheet would look something like this:

Be totally available to me and sensitive to my cues to want to be alone or be loved.

Do not let anyone in the house while I'm in labor!!!

Don't talk to me.

Make sure the kids stay quiet.

Be prepared for the poo.

Ask me what I want to eat after the birth, I'll be hungry.

Check in with me periodically in the immediate postpartum to see if I need anything so I don't have to get up or yell halfway across the house.

Do the laundry.


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## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fourlittlebirds*
Do the laundry.

I particularly like this.


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## amybw (Jul 12, 2004)

awesome list!

thanks for sharing!


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

I just have to say that I really, really disagree with the "take charge routine". It is _normal_ for the mother to express agitation in some form during transition. She doesn't need to be talked out of it, she only needs to be supported. Further, demanding eye contact and giving instruction stimulates the neocortex. It may help get her back "in control", but at the expense of interfering with the hormonal process which will prolong the pushing stage and make hemorrhage more likely.


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## missm (Mar 13, 2006)

For me, the biggest thing would be for my dh to STAY CALM. In both of my previous births he would get more and more worried and agitated as I went further into my 'labour place'. The most important thing I want my dh to remember with this child, is that 1. it's okay. 2. it's normal for a labouring woman to work hard 3. I need a calm supportive hubby, who says positive, encouraging, things that show that he trusts me and my body to birth our baby.

So I'm thinking I might write up a list of things he should say and thoughts to keep in mind while I'm going through labour.

Also, I would tell him to share any concerns with the midwife first. I don't want to hear about his anxiety. Especially if I'm not anxious and there's nothing to be anxious about.


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## ibex67 (Feb 24, 2006)

sub


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## Spark (Nov 21, 2001)

We used a cheat sheet for our last labor. It worked SO WELL. We use hypnosis for childbirth (Birth Imagery HypnoBabies Hypnobirthing HypBirth Etc) So my cheat sheet had my favorite affirmations printed up in big bold letters for my partner to read even in the dimmest of lighting. It worked SO WELL. (my 2nd birth we didn't repeat any hyp courses & my DH totally forgot all the affirmations I wanted)

Happy Birthing!


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## huggerwocky (Jun 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alison_in_oh*
A lot of this stuff is covered in the book The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. I really liked how it covered the stages of labor, and where the mother's mental state is likely to be in each, and good ways to keep her on track and figure out how to support her in the way she needs to be supported at the moment. I am desperate to get my husband to read it before my birth!










Would this book be useful for a homebirth?


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## alison_in_oh (Nov 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *huggerwocky*
Would this book be useful for a homebirth?

Penny Simkin is a homebirth advocate. From what I remember of it, it encompasses choices throughout the spectrum, from homebirth to hospital birth with or without pain medications. It's been a while since I've read it though.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

"Chill"*

*Just judging by how my dh is about stubbed toes and things, I think that'd be the most important instruction he could have.


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## UnskulinMama (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan*
"Chill"*

*Just judging by how my dh is about stubbed toes and things, I think that'd be the most important instruction he could have.











I just wanted to say I really appreciate all the input I've gotten here today.







I am hoping to be able to find my own way with the labor, but at the same time I know when I get sick or hurt I tend to get stuck mentally and *really* appreciate suggestions from DH to help me out of it. So in our case, I don't think it'll hurt to have the them available, you know?

I've definitely been







:, thanks!


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## sprout 1 (Oct 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fourlittlebirds*
I just have to say that I really, really disagree with the "take charge routine".

ITA. That would bug the sh*t out of me, although who knows it might help for some people. I don't want to feel like I depend on dh to do/say things, but it is important that he's a positive addition if he's going to be around. I've been dropping little things at him to help him prepare... like... hey honey, I might poop when I'm pushing, and oh yeah, if I would happen to start bleeding I might ask you to make a smoothie with a bit of placenta... things like that







And just general affirmations because there is no way I could handle him reading me a script and telling me what to do. Or pretending like he's actually going through the labor with me... or talking to me like I'm a puppy learning to do a trick.


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

Here's my sheet that I handed out at childbirth classes.

Labor Support

Fostering a loving and positive environment is the most important job of a laboring woman's birth partner. For the labor support partner who hasn't experienced labor before, this can be a scary and overwhelming responsibility. Attending childbirth classes, reading birth related material, and discussing your partner's hopes and fears can help make you feel more comfortable and secure in your very important role.

The following are some suggestions for the labor support person(s).

Prior to the birth :

* Be involved in the writing of the birth plan. An important role is as advocate, and therefore you must be very aware of the laboring mother's wishes.
* Pack the birth bags. The laboring mother won't be the one who will be digging
through the bags during the birth or postpartum.
* Be open and available. Discuss your expectations, fears, and hopes for this
birth, and listen to those of your partner.

During labor:

* Encourage fluids. It is very important that the laboring mama not become
dehydrated. Water is good; something with some calories (Gatorade, recharge,
juice) is better.
* Encourage movement. Walking helps with pain control and helps mama's
pelvis open up for the baby. Encourage frequent position changes.
* Provide physical support. Laboring moms often need physical support for
various positions and position changes. Mom will need help standing after
she squats; getting in and out of the tub; she'll need someone to lean against
as she reclines on the bed, or during contractions when she is walking.
* Encourage bathroom breaks. Mama's bladder must stay empty, to make room
for the baby's head to descend. The movement involved in getting her to the
bathroom is also helpful. Encourage her to go to the bathroom every 60-90
minutes, and to stay on the toilet for three contractions.
* Touch. Some laboring women like a firm back rub, others like a light massage
on their legs and belly. Neither the woman nor her support people will probably
know until the labor; even then, her preference is likely to change depending on
the stage of labor. Back rubs, counter pressure, massaging her feet, legs, and
shoulders can help her relax in between contractions.
* Water. Being in the water, be it a tub or shower, helps laboring mamas relax
between contractions, and many women feel that it lessens the pain of labor.
* Hot and Cold. Many women find that warmth on the belly or back helps ease
the labor pain and helps them relax between contractions. Warm clothes, a
rice sock, or a heating pad on a low setting are good sources of heat. Some
women like an ice pack pressed against their back during contractions; it is
also soothing to frequently wipe her face, neck, and upper body with a cold
cloth, especially when she is in a hot bath or while she is pushing.
* Encourage relaxation. Look for signs of tension; clenched jaw or fist, furrowed
brow. Encourage her to relax tensed muscles by massage, by helping her
take a deep, cleansing breath, or by encouraging a position change.
* Take note of the surroundings. How can you make them more comfortable?
Lowering the lights, using a favorite scented oil, and putting on her favorite music will help make her feel more comfortable.
* Be her advocate. Help her care providers honor her birth plan.

After the birth:

* Support her breastfeeding. Encourage her to nurse the baby immediately following the birth. Remind her care providers of her desire to breastfeed.
* Food. Both mama and her support people are likely to be ravenous. Many
women like something hot and substantial after they give birth. Lasagna,
soup, or sandwiches are frequent choices.
* Rest. You've earned it! Enjoy the newborn's alert stage; but when the baby
has nursed well and becomes sleepy, everyone: mama, baby, and their support
people, need to sleep. Babies typically sleep for several hours after their initial
alert period; this is the time for you to sleep, too.
* Limit visitors. Everyone wants to see your baby, and to share in this wonderful
time. Of course this is fine; but do not hesitate to remind people that mother and
baby need their rest, or to ask visitors to keep their visits short or to return
another day.

When you are at home:

* Water. Encourage mama to drink lots of fluids. 3+ quarts of fluids a day are
required for a breastfeeding mama, and at least half of that should be water.
* Nurture her. Breastfeeding consumes a large amount of time and energy,
especially during the first few weeks. Help out with the housework and meals (or enlist eager family and friends to do so). Make sure she has a snack and
a glass of water every time she sits down to nurse. Encourage her to sleep
when the baby sleeps. Take care of diaper changes and other care for the
baby.
* Take care of yourself. Being a support person is hard work. It is also
important for you to rest, eat well, and recover physically and emotionally
from the birth.


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

Actually, I could just email you some of my handouts from my classes, if you want. PM me if you are interested.

Lori


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## luvmylittleman (Jun 4, 2004)

Hello UnskulinMama,
There are lots of great suggestions here. Just a few more:
-Your DH has to stay hydrated and fed as well. But he should try to stay away from stinky foods and keep his breath fresh as well.
-Cool washclothes for your head, warm washclothes for your bottom-(for the birth)
-Keep the puke bucket close (not the little tiny thing -the bigger one) (just in case)

I would suggest if you can find videos (or TV shows) of positive, natural births, it might be good for him. Sometimes it's easier for dads to remember if they see it.

I have a chart of suggestions somewhere on my computer. so PM too if you want.

I live fairly close to you!!!!!!!!!!!


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## liam'smomma (Jan 13, 2006)

This is so crazy... We just made our list last nite!!!







(not that he needs one really- he's been through more births than me- the old pro!)
I think the best suggestions are to make sure he knows that he's your advocate in a hospital situation and that it's his responsibility to stand up for you. My last birth was so horrific- awful nurses, induction, PIH...
At one point (while dp was in the bathroom), the nurse came in and yelled at me for trying to get up and walk around and taking my monitors off. I was trying really hard to deal with the pain of induction and was so exhausted I just started crying... He heard what was going on and came out and asked her to step outside of the room with him. I don't know exactly what he said to her- he just said it was taken care of, but she was peachy to me the rest of my labor.


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