# I feel so betrayed...Update post 68



## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

My DH says I am overeracting...tell me what you think.

I needed to get some things at whole foods and was searching for some cash around the car. DH left his walllet in there from going to a party super bowl sunday. I opened it to see if there was any cash in there...Among 80 dollars I also found a bank receipt with a bank in another county with are you ready???

11 thousand dollars in it. It is DH's name. I know his parents set it up for him. his aparents do not like me and last year they asked me to sing a post nuptial which I refused. Years ago IL's tried to get divorced and MIL went after FIL for all his money. She calims the lawyer talked her into it.

So I know they set up this "trust" for him just in case.

I don't care about the money or even that they did it...I care that this account has existed since Nov. 2005 and I was NEVER told about it.

DH (Can't I change that oto AH instead???)

DH says he never mentioned it becuse he can't take the money out anyway...until they die. I said it doen't matter..I am his wife and I should know these things...especially since his parents treat me like I am the one that went after FIL's money.

I feel like I am paying HER penance.

I am so pissed and hurt and DH thinks nothing of this.
I'm not crazy am I?

BTW..I have also had conversstions over the years obviuiosly abut finances and I pay the bills so it isn;t like I am not involved i the money and he mioght think I don't care.

This is also NOT the first time he has lied about money and I asked not to lie b/c I am not going to take his money or keep money from him.

I am so upset







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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

I would absolutely feel hurt and betrayed. And angry - I would be livid if DH had an account and didn't tell me about it, even if he couldn't touch it until his parents died.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

I would be beyond furious.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I honestly do not know what I would do.


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## theatermom (Jun 5, 2006)

I would be absolutely devastated if Dh kept something like this from me. It's a matter of trust and disclosure and just being friends. Why *wouldn't* he tell you? Dh and I tell each other everything, whether it's important or not. I tell Dh a lot of things that he won't necessarily care about, and vice versa.


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## Twocoolboys (Mar 10, 2006)

Ok - different point of view here. I am guessing that your dh's parents told him not to tell you about it and he honored that. I'm not saying that is right, but it really is not a big deal. So, when he does get to have the money years down the road - you will both benefit from it. It will be used for a family vacation or home improvements or to save for retirement, or something else like that. It's just money. Money he doesn't even have access too at that. Don't let it cause any more stress than it already has. It's really a non-issue as you are fighting about something that, for the moment, doesn't even really exist except on a bank statement.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

hmm, I kind of agree with the PP. Initially, I'd be hurt and angry and although it would take me awhile to get over it, eventually my anger would subside and I'd forgive him.

Knowing my own DH, if he couldn't have access to the money immediately because of his Parent's wishes, he probably wouldn't tell me either right off the bat...to him, if he can't get his hands on it now, it doesn't _exist_ KWIM?

But you said this has happened before so I guess this repeat of lying is what worries me and which adds to the feeling of betrayal.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I would be extremely upset.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Oh...and yes, I would forgive him. I would be hurt initially though.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

Um, if the account is in his name, and he is an adult, then he has access to it. Maybe he has agreed not to spend it until they die? But I would be very suspicious of that - why wouldn't they just leave it to him in their will, then? And if he hasn't touched the money, why does he have a bank receipt?

I know that's harsh, but I have *no* tolerance for liars. Even lies of omission. I would be furious. If my husband's parents gave him a big wad of cash and told him that he couldn't tell me about it, I would expect him to say no.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Oh I would be pissed, and very hurt. It's not about the money but about the fact that he never bothered to tell you that this account existed. And when exactly was he going to tell you about it?







: I'd forgive him, but my first reaction would be....


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## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Laggie* 
Um, if the account is in his name, and he is an adult, then he has access to it. Maybe he has agreed not to spend it until they die? But I would be very suspicious of that - why wouldn't they just leave it to him in their will, then? And if he hasn't touched the money, why does he have a bank receipt?

I know that's harsh, but I have *no* tolerance for liars. Even lies of omission. I would be furious. If my husband's parents gave him a big wad of cash and told him that he couldn't tell me about it, I would expect him to say no.









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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

There was a thread recently about wives having "secret" bank accounts that their husbands don't know about. Many posters (including myself) felt that there is nothing wrong with that - that it is a good thing to have in case you ever have to leave the marriage.

I don't see this any differently. I wouldn't be angry about it.


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## Tilia (Nov 18, 2006)

Why didn't they keep it in an account separate from theirs and leave it in their will? That makes no sense. I would be livid at AH and AILs, to use your term!!!

Well if he really wanted to keep it from you, then why was the statement in his car? That's weird too.

I would just try to move past it, and forgive. And let him know how much it hurts your feelings and well-being when he lies. So sorry that has happened to you!


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I would be horrified and would wonder if my DH was getting ready to leave me. But we talk about everything and don't keep even insignificant things from each other.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
There was a thread recently about wives having "secret" bank accounts that their husbands don't know about. Many posters (including myself) felt that there is nothing wrong with that - that it is a good thing to have in case you ever have to leave the marriage.

I don't see this any differently. I wouldn't be angry about it.

I don't understand why anyone would think it is okay to make preparations to leave your spouse unless you are actively getting ready to leave. Would you be okay with your DH keeping a suitcase full of clothes in his car in case he decides to move out in a hurry? I don't get it.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
I would be horrified and would wonder if my DH was getting ready to leave me. But we talk about everything and don't keep even insignificant things from each other.

I don't understand why anyone would think it is okay to make preparations to leave your spouse unless you are actively getting ready to leave. Would you be okay with your DH keeping a suitcase full of clothes in his car in case he decides to move out in a hurry? I don't get it.

I feel that it's important always to be in a position to survive on my own in case of death, disease or divorce. I have seen far too many ugly situations in marriages of friends and family to "trust to luck".

yes, I would be fine with DH keeping a suitcase of clothes in his car in case he has to move out in a hurry. If it's important to him to feel that he can, then he might as well do it.

Do you think it's a bad idea for a spouse to have money that only he/she can access?


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## funkygranolamama (Aug 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
I would be horrified and would wonder if my DH was getting ready to leave me. But we talk about everything and don't keep even insignificant things from each other.

I don't understand why anyone would think it is okay to make preparations to leave your spouse unless you are actively getting ready to leave. Would you be okay with your DH keeping a suitcase full of clothes in his car in case he decides to move out in a hurry? I don't get it.

I think it's a good idea to have an account set up "just in case". Alot of these ladies would be in a REALLY bad spot financially if their husband up and left them. How would they pay the bills? Buy food? Pay for shelter? (<<in the case they had an irresponsible hub who didn't give a crap what happened after they left). That said, I do not have a private account set up. I am the breadwinner in our family, though.


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## Twocoolboys (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Laggie* 
Um, if the account is in his name, and he is an adult, then he has access to it. Maybe he has agreed not to spend it until they die? But I would be very suspicious of that - why wouldn't they just leave it to him in their will, then? And if he hasn't touched the money, why does he have a bank receipt?

I know that's harsh, but I have *no* tolerance for liars. Even lies of omission. I would be furious. If my husband's parents gave him a big wad of cash and told him that he couldn't tell me about it, I would expect him to say no.


I believe that people can set up trusts that cannot be touched depending on certain conditions, like age, etc. Estate taxes are a huge burden on people who inherit money in a will and there are ways around that. I think a trust is one of those ways. I don't know too much about it, but I believe that an account can be set up in someone's name that they can't touch until a certain time, so I'd assume it would be possible to have an account that can't be touched until the giver's death.


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

If one is in an abusive situation, fine. Have a secret account. Do what you have to do in order to get out. But, in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me. I would be very upset. Since I'm not emotionally involved in this because it's not happening to me, I can give you my opinion - I think this is definitely something you two can work through if you are willing to (H as well as you). I have found that DH often has reasons and thoughts that I hadn't even considered, and while I don't agree, I at least can understand that his intention was not harmful.

If he has a pattern of this, which you state in your last sentence, it sounds as if he's manifesting some source of anxiety or other unresolved emotion in the money arena, and it needs to be addressed separately from how it makes you feel to be lied to. My DH has money control issues from his FOO, and it has helped me tremedously to be able to separate the fact that it hurts me and damages our communication, and that he is just a man doing the best he can. The only thing that improved our situation and allowed us to dig down to the root of the issue was counseling on both our parts.

I hope you find a resolution that is acceptable to you, and I'm sorry.


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## Laggie (Nov 2, 2005)

I do think it's okay for each spouse to have money only they can access. But if you have a loving, trusting relationship, why should that be a secret?

I have two bank accounts in my name. DH is completely aware of that (and of how badly I mismanage them!). I can see that if I was financially dependent on him I might want to have a little stash of money somewhere. And I *do* think that is different - because it would feel scary to me to be totally dependent on another person and that would make me want to have a little bit of money set aside 'just in case'. But not 11 grand!!

And, since DH is NOT in that position of dependence, I don't see why he would need to have a secret 'rainy day fund.'


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## Mrs.CEH3 (Aug 14, 2006)

> in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me. I would be very upset.

Precisely, and if this is the case I think you are justifiably upset. In my estimation there shouldn't be this level of secrecy. If his parents asked him to keep the account a secret from you, as your husband he had an obligation to decline.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
yes, I would be fine with DH keeping a suitcase of clothes in his car in case he has to move out in a hurry. If it's important to him to feel that he can, then he might as well do it.

I'm sorry; I just really can't fathom this way of thinking. To me, the marriage would already be over if my DH was this sure he needed to prepare.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Do you think it's a bad idea for a spouse to have money that only he/she can access?

I don't want to say I think this is a bad idea for everyone, but I personally wouldn't feel like my DH and I were partners or truly married if we had our own separate finances that the other had no part of. Our house, our bills, our finances, everything is about the two of us working together as partners, and it's hard for me to imagine it any other way, at least for us.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

If he has no access to it, he shouldn't have access to a receipt about it, either.

And even if he made a promise to his parents that he wouldn't tell you, his first loyalty is to YOU, not his parents.

Quote:

I don't understand why anyone would think it is okay to make preparations to leave your spouse unless you are actively getting ready to leave. Would you be okay with your DH keeping a suitcase full of clothes in his car in case he decides to move out in a hurry? I don't get it.
The "dependent" spouse should have some kind of safety net. I didn't used to. My marriage wasn't horrible, but it was tense. If it had gotten any worse, I could have easily ended up in the shelter, fighting to keep my child and get some kind of aid to live on. OTOH, DH could have walked out at any time and had a paycheck coming the next Friday. He couldn't afford to live it up or anything, but he'd be fine.


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## Twocoolboys (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mrs.CEH3* 
> in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me. I would be very upset.

Precisely, and if this is the case I think you are justifiably upset. In my estimation there shouldn't be this level of secrecy. If his parents asked him to keep the account a secret from you, as your husband he had an obligation to decline.


What if they insisted? How can you refuse money like that? All they would need is his ss#, which I'm sure they have, to open a bank account in his name. How many parents and grandparents have done that? I know my dh's grandmother has done it for him and my boys.

What if he didn't tell her because he didn't want there to be a fight? Because he knew she wouldn't handle it well and would use it as ammunition to "prove" that they don't like her. What if it has nothing to do with her? My dh's grandmother has set up an account for him, in his name only with my boys as the beneficiaries. My name is no where on the account. And, he and I have been together for over 15 years. And, I know she likes me. It's got nothing to do with me. I know why she did it and I am fine with it. It's her money, she can do whatever she wants with it.

I feel the same about the in-laws in this scenario - it's their money, they can do whatever they want with it. It's not like the dh opened it himself for a rainy day. His parents did it for him.

I still don't see the big deal. I think people who think it IS a big deal have deeper issues about money.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *daniedb* 
If one is in an abusive situation, fine. Have a secret account. Do what you have to do in order to get out. But, in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me.

But any happy, functional marriage can go to pot rather quickly, sometimes before one can even see what's happening and make plans. Everyone who's financially dependent should have an alternative plan. Everyone.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette* 
But any happy, functional marriage can go to pot rather quickly, sometimes before one can even see what's happening and make plans. Everyone who's financially dependent should have an alternative plan. Everyone.

Even if you are not financially dependent, it can be expensive to leave. Security deposit, legal fees, daycare if you are not currently using daycare, relocation expenses.

If you have the means on hand, you are not forced to use them, but if you don't have them, it can make leaving a bad situation even more difficult. Having financed the escape of my sister and two of my friends, I am acutely aware of this.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Twocoolboys* 
I I still don't see the big deal. I think people who think it IS a big deal have deeper issues about money.

Money is what we use to house ourselves and our children, to feed ourselves and our children and to power our dreams for the future (whether we're talking about a family vacation or a new home). If dh is hiding money from me, then he's basically saying that I'm not an equal partner, that my opinion on what kind of roof we have, what kind of food we eat and what our future should look like doesn't matter. If I found out that my in-laws gave dh money, and asked him not to tell me, I'd be beyond furious if he cooperated. How is it okay for a third party to dictate what he shares with _his wife_? We're supposed to be partners, and if my spouse doesn't want to be my partner, he can tell me that - not blame it on mommy and daddy. I'd be beyond angry if I were the OP.

As the financially dependent half of this partnership, I don't think it would be a bad idea to have an account that only I have access to - but I wouldn't keep it a secret. After my divorce, I was financially better off, as I'd been the "breadwinner", and my ex was a parasite. In his case, I'd have been furious if he'd been hiding money (actually - he did, and I was), because we were really struggling, and he wasn't using it to protect himself...he was using it to buy a daily coffee (or six) at the gas station and cigarettes and guitar strings.

Actually...I do have access to money that dh doesn't. Our savings are in my name, not joint. But, that was kind of an accident, and I always forget about it. I also have all my savings from before we were married, but dh knows about that, too.


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## oregongirlie (Mar 14, 2006)

I think it depends how much money that is to you guys. It's relative. Well, that's also the limit that one can gift per year w/o being taxed (at least it was a few years ago), but I don't know if that matters if it's a foreign acct.

Anyway, if 11K is a huge amt. of money, then I'd be pissed. If it's just a percent of what is already saved in the bank, then I wouldn't care so much.

If he truly doesn't understand why you're upset and this is all no big deal to him, then I don't think there is malice and I would have to understand that.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I haven't read the replies but I would be completely floored by such a betrayal. That is absolutely a breach of trust, and is exactly the same as lying in my book. I don't even know what I would do.

ETA: I just scrolled down and noticed that someone mentioned that they think that those of us who think it's a big deal have a deeper issue with money. Uh, no. The money isn't what would bother me, not in the slightest. I wouldn't care if it was $1.00. The fact that he set up a secret bank account with his parents and didn't tell me about it is what would make me so angry. Particularly if his taking the money included a promise to his parents that he wouldn't tell me about it. That is beyond insulting and a huge betrayal.

I guess it's because my parentership with dh is based primarily on the fact that we are best friends and tell each other everything. Maybe others don't have that kind of relationship, so it wouldn't bother you. But it would absolutely bother me. I don't think it's okay for me to have a secret account either. Separate accounts, fine. But secret? No. Unless of course you are in a bad situation and are trying to leave, but then the relationship is already over anyhow so trust no longer really matters, you know?


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## Twocoolboys (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 

I guess it's because my parentership with dh is based primarily on the fact that we are best friends and tell each other everything. Maybe others don't have that kind of relationship, so it wouldn't bother you.

Umm, that's a leap - lol. Actually, it wouldn't bother me because I do trust my dh so much. If he didn't tell me, I'd think that he either a) just didn't think of it because he thinks it's no big deal. After all, it doesn't exist except on paper at this point. b) he was afraid of what my reaction would be - mostly that I would use it as "proof" that my in-laws didn't like me, which seems to be the case in the op. But, since I know my in-laws like me (we joke that they like me more than they like dh), and I would not react more than saying "really? wow, that was generous of them." then I know that wouldn't happen in our house.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

I have no problems with spouses having a seperate account. If I ever get married I will have a seperate account where I can put a little "just in case" money. I would have a huge problem with someone keeping it a secret though. Big no-no in my book.

To the OP- why did he have that receipt? What did the receipt say?


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## woobysma (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
Separate accounts, fine. But secret? No.

I agree with this. I think it's just a smart thing for any dependant spouse to have a personal "stash". Especially in the case of a sahm, where not only are you dependant, but will also likely be responsible for the children in the case of a split. But it should be something that's out in the open.

Maybe I'm biased, but as a former single mom, I'll never leave myself without the means to take care of my kids - regardless of how stable I thought my relationship was with DP. I wouldn't lie about it, but I will always have something stashed in my name - if it turns into the kids' college fund years from now, then great, but it will at least be there if I need it as long as I have children at home.


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StephandOwen* 
To the OP- why did he have that receipt? What did the receipt say?

I really want to know that too. If he can't access the account, why did he have a receipt for it?


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## momof4peppers (May 31, 2005)

I'm probably the most vindictive person to respond - I wouldn't be angry, I'd just make a copy of the recepit and file it away in some known only to me spot in the event our relationship did go sour and I wanted to prove to the court that H has a pattern of hiding money.

Because I'm in charge of the finances, I'd be more worried about implications for me when it comes to things like taxes. We file joint returns, and there's a section where you're supposed to report any foreign income (like interest). Have your money in a separate account, fine, but don't put ME in a dangerous situation by filing false tax returns!

Giving the H the benefit of the doubt, could the in laws have just set it up and he forgot (for whatever reason) to tell you? This would be my DH. I'd confront him with the receipt, and he'd say, "didn't I tell you!? I know I did!" But this is a pattern with my dh. He tends to forget to tell me stuff. it's part of who he is.

I hope you come to some resolution that works for your relationship.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I didn't get back sooner b/c I was at work.

Quote:

why does he have a bank receipt?
It was like a stub. It wasn't like I get with the checking account. It said the name of the name bank, his name, the amount...and I think when it was deposited. There was another recipet type thing on his dresser that I found b/c now I am looking...that said, 494.00 (some change, too) and that was the interest it made over time and that may have had the date on it..one of them definetly did.

I do not need proof that his parents dislike me. He knows and I know it.
All my husband had to say was, "hey my parents set up this account for me, You know how they are. They wanted me to keep it a secret but OF COURSE I wont. ..and hey it's 11 thousand dollars."

11 thousand dollars is a ton of money to us..we barely have a savings. I don't even really care about the money. I care about being lied to AGAIN.

He definetly hs money issues but I don;t know why. He grew up privilidged and got everythign he wanted as far as stuff goes. (His parents are control freaks so his upbringing was far less than stellar)
I on the other hand grew up with little money but I can manage it. H can not..he overspends keeps applying for credit cards for the perks they give. He just has to have and have.
I was not considering divorce for those of you thought maybe this was a breaking point. IT is somehting we need move past...he really needs some counseling asnd we could use marriage as well but he refuses to go.

I just feel like I am being plotted against behind my back...and itreally sucks!


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## Mrs.CEH3 (Aug 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Twocoolboys* 
What if they insisted? How can you refuse money like that? All they would need is his ss#, which I'm sure they have, to open a bank account in his name. How many parents and grandparents have done that? I know my dh's grandmother has done it for him and my boys.

What if he didn't tell her because he didn't want there to be a fight? Because he knew she wouldn't handle it well and would use it as ammunition to "prove" that they don't like her. What if it has nothing to do with her? My dh's grandmother has set up an account for him, in his name only with my boys as the beneficiaries. My name is no where on the account. And, he and I have been together for over 15 years. And, I know she likes me. It's got nothing to do with me. I know why she did it and I am fine with it. It's her money, she can do whatever she wants with it.

I feel the same about the in-laws in this scenario - it's their money, they can do whatever they want with it. It's not like the dh opened it himself for a rainy day. His parents did it for him.

I still don't see the big deal. I think people who think it IS a big deal have deeper issues about money.

From my original post, which you quoted, with added emphasis for clarity:

"In my estimation there shouldn't be this level of *secrecy*. If his parents *asked him to keep the account a secret* from you, as your husband he had an obligation to decline."

In other words, the issue is not that his parents gave him money. The issue is that they asked him to keep it a secret from his wife, and he agreed to it.

This is about trust, not about money per se. In order for a marriage to be strong and healthy and enduring, there must be trust, honesty, and openness.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:

In other words, the issue is not that his parents gave him money. The issue is that they asked him to keep it a secret from his wife, and he agreed to it.


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)




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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Laggie* 
Um, if the account is in his name, and he is an adult, then he has access to it. Maybe he has agreed not to spend it until they die? But I would be very suspicious of that - why wouldn't they just leave it to him in their will, then? And if he hasn't touched the money, why does he have a bank receipt?

I know that's harsh, but I have *no* tolerance for liars. Even lies of omission. I would be furious. If my husband's parents gave him a big wad of cash and told him that he couldn't tell me about it, I would expect him to say no.

Yeah, that makes no sense to me also.

I'd be beyond pissed, I'd be interviewing lawyers. $11k worth of lying by omission, surely there's more where that came from.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 

ETA: I just scrolled down and noticed that someone mentioned that they think that those of us who think it's a big deal have a deeper issue with money. Uh, no. The money isn't what would bother me, not in the slightest. I wouldn't care if it was $1.00. The fact that he set up a secret bank account with his parents and didn't tell me about it is what would make me so angry. Particularly if his taking the money included a promise to his parents that he wouldn't tell me about it. That is beyond insulting and a huge betrayal.


Exactly. Especially considering the fact that the inlaws are hostile to the OP to start with. If I were in that position (and I kind of am, my wealthy inlaws also dislike me and always have) if he accepted even 25 CENTS from them in that context I'd be furious. It's not the money, it's the attitude of "here's 25 cents, don't tell your nasty golddigging wife about it, son."


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

BSD..that is exactly it.
and than to not have him stand up for me. Not that he ever has so why should I think he would now but we've been over these issues about his parents so many times b/c they can actually be crue to me and he jsut lets it happen.

BTW..I am a good eprson and have never given him reason not to trust me. His parents don't trust me and he is too lame to stand up to them or go against them . It is infuriating.


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## Krystal323 (May 14, 2004)

Quote:

How can you refuse money like that?
money isn't the holy grail in life. trust could be, tho.

my parents have all kinds of money they'd throw at me like a ticker-tape parade if I would just bend to their idea of what's good for me.

I'm 26 years old. I live my own life, even if it means I live it on govt aid sometimes.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

I would not have a problem with it.

However, due to the fact that it DOES look like he is "prepared" to leave you high and dry and the APPEARANCE of it is also important....

If I was you, I would INSIST that all extra savings go into an account under my name only to the tune of the same amount. At the same institution in another country. You know, so that my husband had assured that in the unlikely event of a problem I was also taken care of.

Seems fair to me.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Twocoolboys* 
...he was afraid of what my reaction would be - mostly that I would use it as "proof" that my in-laws didn't like me, which seems to be the case in the op. But, since I know my in-laws like me (we joke that they like me more than they like dh)...

Would your in-laws give your dh money, and tell him to keep it a secret from you? That seems to be a fairly significant aspect of this.


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## PrennaMama (Oct 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
Exactly. Especially considering the fact that the inlaws are hostile to the OP to start with. If I were in that position (and I kind of am, my wealthy inlaws also dislike me and always have) if he accepted even 25 CENTS from them in that context I'd be furious. It's not the money, it's the attitude of "here's 25 cents, don't tell your nasty golddigging wife about it, son."









I really sympathize... we are going thru some similar stuff...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
BSD..that is exactly it.
and than to not have him stand up for me. Not that he ever has so why should I think he would now but we've been over these issues about his parents so many times b/c they can actually be crue to me and he jsut lets it happen.

BTW..I am a good eprson and have never given him reason not to trust me. His parents don't trust me and he is too lame to stand up to them or go against them . It is infuriating.

I am always really stricken when I see things I'm going thru so neatly laid out in another person's life. Dh also has lied in the past about money... I wonder if it's a product of that 'privaledged life', and an embedded perception that money = stuff = success. He will cash a whole pay check, (well over a thousand dollars, and then just walk around with the money in his wallet; he likes to feel wealthy, I guess). I recently (today) found out he has an account _I_ never knew about. I was pissed. Not about money, but that he had an account and just neglected to tell me... it made me feel weird, like I was flying blind, and didn't know it. I'm supposed to be responsible for bill-pays, and budgeting, and we struggle... is there money he isn't telling me about, that we could use, that he is witholding??

Additionally, on the *flipside*: My dad was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor (WHOLE other thread) and went on a mad dash to make financial arrangments, fix his will, etc, and turned over to me a mutual fund he's been paying into for 13 years, and forgot to turn over to me 10 years ago when he was supposed to. So a comparable amount of cash just landed at our door. I admit: _I waffled on whether or not to tell him..._ We've been under great anxiety and having a hard time, and I actually thought of not telling him, so that I always have a back door plan. THEN, I went one further, to think if I just out and tell him in total, he'd have the money spent in his head on all his mi$take$ and debt, before the ink was dry on the paperwork. So I eased him into it... first I told him it was _some_ money, and that I didn't know the total, (which, I didn't, at first), but it wasn't hugely life-changing. Then, the next day, I said, well I think it was more like (an amount about half of what it was estimated as). I watched how he reacted, and he was reasonable. When I DID reveal the whole amount to him, he admitted if I hadn't eased him into it, he woulda had a field day spending it mentally...


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Maybe I'm a little naive on this, but when *I* divorced, I had to list our assets to show the court that the settlement I was asking for was reasonable. Then I had to swear, under oath, that the settlement was reasonable. I would think that siphoning money out of the marriage would be illegal and yes, I would consider having a secret account siphoning epecially if the reason for the secrecy is keeping my partner from it during a divorce.

I am all for having separate accounts (DH and I just opened our first joint account after 10 years) but DH knows all the institutions that have "my" money and I know all the institutions that have "his" money. I put "my" and "his" in quotes because what we earn while we are married is our money, only I only have access to some and he only has access to some.

The long and the short of it is, I would be livid. Not really about the money but more that a) DH didn't stand up to his parents and tell them, "she is my wife and we don't keep secrets" and b) DH thought it was appropriate for his parents to dictate about our relationship.

GL.

ETA: There is a trust that is being passed down where the person(s) with the trust either can't spend any of the principle or can spend the interest plus a small percentage of the principle. There is also a timing thing on this as well, so yes, it can be done.


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

Well, I for one wouldn't have a problem with it. It's only 11 grand. It's not like he's got millions stashed away or something.

Sure, that money would be nice for a vacation, or remodeling, or to put towards a new house or car or pay off debt. I'm not saying the money wouldn't be useful. But in the grand scheme of things, it's really NOT a lot of money at all.

So to me, having a "little" bit of money stashed away in some account would be okay. I mean, I have my own accounts and credit cards and the like. He doesn't know what goes on in there just like I don't know what goes on in his. So small bits like that, I fully expect and even encourage.

But now, if he had a hundred thousand or more (outside of retirement accounts), yeah I'd expect to know. Because at that point, to me, it starts moving away from a financial security aspect to one that's much deeper. Plus, I manage our joint bank account and I'd be really concerned if he had that much money without me knowing where it came from.

Thankfully we're both on the same page with that. When we got married, I had a trust in my name with quite a bit of money in it. He didn't think it strange or think that it was his to spend. In fact, we'd already been married a few years before I disclosed to him how much was in there. He knew it was my money and didn't let it bother him.. But he also knew he could trust me 100% and when the time was right, I decided to use that money for the downpayment on our [jointly-owned] home.


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## sweetieface (Apr 8, 2006)

The sad thing is now you have to wonder what else is he "neglecting" to tell you? What other secrets does he have? To me you have every right to be upset, and feel betrayed!







:


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crazydiamond* 
Well, I for one wouldn't have a problem with it. It's only 11 grand. It's not like he's got millions stashed away or something.


LOL. I could live on $11k for one full year. To most people, it's a lot of money.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
LOL. I could live on $11k for one full year. To most people, it's a lot of money.

um, yeah, that. 11 grand would change our lives.


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## crazydiamond (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bri276* 
um, yeah, that. 11 grand would change our lives.

I didn't mean to sound flippant. . it _is_ a lot of money for day to day things. For me too. But I also see it being able to be spent really, really quickly (like you can't even buy a new car for that). When it takes 2 million for the average middle-class person to live their retirement years, it doesn't seem like that much in comparison, ya know? But maybe it's all relative. . .like me seeing 2 million in a bank account seems unreal, yet I know for many people that's their reality.

If he had access to the money now and the money was needed, then I would see a problem. But if he can't even get to the money, then what difference does it make? Seems like it might just be a source of stress. . "if only I had that money. . ." At least that's what I would be thinking all the time.

Maybe I just live in a higher cost area. . .but that money wouldn't even cover my mortgage or rent (when I lived in an apartment) for the year, let alone everything else.

So maybe the more pertinent questions would be. . .does he really _not_ have access to the money and how badly is the money needed? For me personally, the answer to the second question would probably dictate a large portion of how angry I was when I found out. But then when I discovered the answer to the first question, it would dictate whether I stayed angry or not.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

I live in a very expensive area as well, 11 grand wouldn't make our rent for the yr, but it'd pay off 3/4 of our total debt

I guess when you think of the 11 grand in terms of retirement money, it is a different ballpark, it's not like it's a lump sum gift that is going to be spent any way you please. I'd still feel betrayed by DH, but my happiness over suddenly being $11,000 richer might quell some of my anger. (*key word, _some_!)


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

I live in one of the more expensive coastal cities in the USA. $11,000 would absolutely cover my rent for a year. And renter's insurance. And my transit pass. And electricity. And phone/internet. I'd just have to really cool my jets on food expenses.


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## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

Is it possible he planned to save it until it is available to spend (after parents die) and then surprise you? In one veiw it could be a really nice secret - kind of like the spouse who sets aside $5 a week to save up for a surprise 20th anniversary gift or something?


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## wife&mommy (May 26, 2005)

Yes I would feel hurt, especially by his parents.


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## Twocoolboys (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crazydiamond* 
But if he can't even get to the money, then what difference does it make? Seems like it might just be a source of stress. . "if only I had that money. . ."









:


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I stated right in the beginning that I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY or even that the account was set up. I care about it being a secret. It is really botheirng me that sme of you are so focused on the money aspect b/c that is NOT my point.
MY ILs and my husbnad had a secret behind my back..it was not set up to surprise me later it is specifically there for me NOT to find out about. My H has admitted that. There is no positive spin to this...it is an out and out betrayl. My husbnad knows and I know it and my ILs are revelling in it.

The wallet was accidentally left in the car that I use b/c that is what we took to the party. The reciept was not with all the other banking info it was hidden deliberately.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
I stated right in the beginning that I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY or even that the account was set up. I care about it being a secret. It is really botheirng me that sme of you are so focused on the money aspect b/c that is NOT my point.
MY ILs and my husbnad had a secret behind my back..it was not set up to surprise me later it is specifically there for me NOT to find out about. My H has admitted that. There is no positive spin to this...it is an out and out betrayl. My husbnad knows and I know it and my ILs are revelling in it.

The wallet was accidentally left in the car that I use b/c that is what we took to the party. The reciept was not with all the other banking info it was hidden deliberately.

Is the date on the receipt recent? Is it possible that the account was set up very recently and he was waiting for the right moment to tell you?

Correct me if I'm wrong - some PPs seem to think the account is in another country, but I thought you said another COUNTY? An account in another country might be hiding money, but an account in another county would be easily traceable in the event of a divorce.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

It is anohter County not country. My dh was not trying to hide the money..his parents were. my husbnad was hiding the account...the existence of it.
The account was set up Nov 2005


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## Chinese Pistache (May 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
I stated right in the beginning that I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE MONEY or even that the account was set up. I care about it being a secret. It is really botheirng me that sme of you are so focused on the money aspect b/c that is NOT my point.
MY ILs and my husbnad had a secret behind my back..it was not set up to surprise me later it is specifically there for me NOT to find out about. My H has admitted that. There is no positive spin to this...it is an out and out betrayl. My husbnad knows and I know it and my ILs are revelling in it.

The wallet was accidentally left in the car that I use b/c that is what we took to the party. The reciept was not with all the other banking info it was hidden deliberately.

(((HUGS))) I can't believe how many people think your dh's behavior is okay!

This isn't about the money or about loyalty to his parents or the wisdom of being "prepared" in the case of leaving an abusive relationship. He lied and that is just plain frightening. I would demand my dh go to counseling with me, because I couldn't go on in such a sham relationship otherwise. Good luck, mama.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I'd be furious about the lying, and him keeping secrets with his parents on the basis of their poor opinion of you. Ick, ick, ick. Partners don't do that to partners.


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## WNB (Apr 29, 2006)

As one of the prev. posters mentioned, 11k is the max gift a parent can make to a child (adult or not) in any given year without paying gift tax. $494 interest would be about 1 year's worth of interest at 4.5%, which is plausible as a savings rate in a money market account.

I would be angry about the concealment and the implications about trust, just as you are. I hope you and your dh are able to talk about how to manage all of the family's resources (including, but not limited to, money) and that he can understand why you are so hurt by his concealment of this windfall. Has he told you why he decided not to tell you about it?


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

The good news: You have more joint money than you thought.









The bad news: Dh didn't tell you about it.

Sounds like hasn't cut the "apron strings" yet!


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## momof4peppers (May 31, 2005)

Sorry - I missed the part where he deliberately hid the account from you. My DH did something ... related? ... when we were first married - he had a "secret" credit card that he ran up and we had to pay off. He didn't tell me until he was too overwhelmed by the total and we were arguing about something completely unrelated. Talk about destroying trust! But we worked through it, and while I've never FORGOTTEN it, I have come to peace with the fact that it happened.

So I think you can do one of two things:

Use this as another reason to hate your inlaws, with all of the implications (not making it easy to see them, no visits, not answering their calls, banning them from your home, etc.) but if you want your marriage to work, you live with the family and their hatred of you

or

Cut the cord and divorce your husband.

If you go to counseling, they'll most likely tell you to have the "I'm really disappointed that you continue to be openly hostile to me when I've tried really hard to acclimate to your family traditions. How can we come to an arrangement that works for everyone " speech with your inlaws & husband. And the "I'm really disappointed that you can't empathize with how much this hurts me" speech with your husband.

But only YOU know where this betrayal and continual hatred fits into the overall scheme of your relationship and YOUR plans and hopes for it. Maybe give it 6 months and see if you've continued to obsess on it take one action, or if you're able to assimilate this into your overall relationship, take another?

Either way, I feel for you and hope that things work out to your satisfaction.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:

Has he told you why he decided not to tell you about it?
He says it is b/c he can't use the mony. He says it can't be touched until they die so he didn't tell me. Not a good reason if you ask me.
I am wondering if that is even true b/c he says we have to apy the taxes on the interest...does anyone know if this is true that even though we are paying the taxes we can't touch the money. I am not loooking to spend it..I am trying to see if this is another lie and I don;t know how to find out about tax laws.

Quote:

Use this as another reason to hate your inlaws, with all of the implications (not making it easy to see them, no visits, not answering their calls, banning them from your home, etc.) but if you want your marriage to work, you live with the family and their hatred of you
They never come here. They live about 20 min. away. My husband takes the kids there once a week on a night that I work. They never call on the house phone only on his celll. Last mohter's day they really laid inot me about homeschooling and created a horrible scene when we wee out to brunch..yelling screaming all that fun stuff. they are pissed that DS isn't circ'd and chose to yell at me for that..IN PUBLIC restarunt. So I told my husband that the kids were not to go over there b/c noone gets to treat me that way. I did say that I would not out and out keep them from their grandkids. I said they could come here whenever to see them but since I wasn't going to their house than neither were my kids. They did not see the kids for 5 1/2 mos. It was cooly reconcilied with MIL "apologizing" for her part. The whole thing was her part and it was agreed that we would not discuss these things in the future. So that is why the kids go there now.
It was just to keep the peace but it wasn't anything heartfelt or moving in the scheme of forgiveness.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Maybe he didn't tell you because he is planning on filing a divore and didn't want your lawyer to ask for the money?
Or he thinks you will file a divorce and ask for the money?


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## Phoenix_Rising (Jun 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
There was a thread recently about wives having "secret" bank accounts that their husbands don't know about. Many posters (including myself) felt that there is nothing wrong with that - that it is a good thing to have in case you ever have to leave the marriage.

I don't see this any differently. I wouldn't be angry about it.


I would be upset. $11K is ALOT of $. And if his parents have that much to give him and say he cannot use it until they die then they would totally help him if he left the marriage.


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## Katie Bugs Mama (Feb 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
He says it is b/c he can't use the mony. He says it can't be touched until they die so he didn't tell me. Not a good reason if you ask me.
I am wondering if that is even true b/c he says we have to apy the taxes on the interest...does anyone know if this is true that even though we are paying the taxes we can't touch the money. I am not loooking to spend it..I am trying to see if this is another lie and I don;t know how to find out about tax laws.

I'm pretty sure that this isn't true. If the account is in his name, it belongs to him and he can legally use it any time that he wants for anything that he wants. The proof that it is in his name is the receipt that you found and the fact that you have to pay taxes on the interest.

He might be calling it a "trust," but it is clearly not. The only thing keeping him from spending the money or even adding your name to the account is that he doesn't want to upset his parents. My guess is that he also doesn't want to kill the golden goose, IYKWIM.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

My husband has agreed to go inot therapy. He does not want to go but I insisited. There are too many issues that keep him from jsut being a happy person. Everytinhg is blam blame blame. At first I was considering marriage couseling but as I was thinking it over I realized I don't need therapy. I talkked to DH and said, "Do I have trouble communicating my wants needs anything with you? He said no. I asked, "Do I work hard at this marrige and am I trying hard to get you to do the same?" He said "yes" So I really don't feel I need the therapy...I was in it years ago. I just hope that in some time he will say, "I'm so glad you made me do that it was such a help"


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## WNB (Apr 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Katie Bugs Mama* 
I'm pretty sure that this isn't true. If the account is in his name, it belongs to him and he can legally use it any time that he wants for anything that he wants. The proof that it is in his name is the receipt that you found and the fact that you have to pay taxes on the interest.

He might be calling it a "trust," but it is clearly not. The only thing keeping him from spending the money or even adding your name to the account is that he doesn't want to upset his parents. My guess is that he also doesn't want to kill the golden goose, IYKWIM.

Trusts are set up to to distribute the interest to the beneficiary, but not the "corpus". The interest counts as taxable income. It's the end of the year, all sorts of tax forms are getting sent out. Obviously, the husband might be lying about access, but lying outright is a bigger "sin" in my estimation than just failing to tell his wife about the account, and the information he gave her when confronted _is_ plausible.

I think it is probably best to accept him at his word, and insist on meeting with an accountant together to make sure that both spouses understand it and how to best utilize the account for the best interest of the family.

It's great that he's agreed to get some therapy: I wish you both the best.


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
My husband has agreed to go inot therapy.

That is excellent news! I know that for my DH, having an objective third-party man to speak with about issues has helped him a great deal.


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WNB* 
As one of the prev. posters mentioned, 11k is the max gift a parent can make to a child (adult or not) in any given year without paying gift tax. $494 interest would be about 1 year's worth of interest at 4.5%, which is plausible as a savings rate in a money market account.

Are you sure about this? We get a similar gift from my folks every year but it is $22k. Maybe it's because I'm married, but so is OP so I'm not sure.

Anyway, here's the thing. If it is a bank account with your husband's name on it, he indeed has access to it. Even if it's a joint account with his parents. If his name is officially on the account he can access it. Now, if it's a trust or an IRA or something, then there are restrictions on access.

In any case, I would feel betrayed and hurt. DH and I share everything (emotionally and financially) and if I was in your situation I would be furious. DH and I do have separate accounts but we each know how much the other has and openly share all expenses and deposits. Additionally, my parents are very wealthy and have involved us in every step of their estate planning. They have made it very clear that all money left will be in MY name not DH's. I am their child, not DH. If I am not around to receive the money then it automatically goes to our kids in a trust. DH is not upset about this at all, although he and my folks have a great relationship. But despite your poor relationship with the IL's this is a pretty typical set up (money being left to child not spouse) so why the secrecy? Again, this makes me question if he actually does have access to the money. It all sounds much too covert for my comfort level.

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

_ETA: I just read that he's agreed to counseling. This is a great step. I wish you all the best!_


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## mija (Sep 21, 2002)

Each spouse can recieve 11k, so a couple can recieve 22k. I really really doubt that he actually can't touch the money.


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## april77 (Apr 26, 2003)

Dh's grandfather set up a trust for all his grandkids, which they could not access until the age of 42 unless he or their moms ok'd it. He wanted it to be retirement money or something. And we did have to pay taxes on the interest. But I always knew about the account, accessible or not. I hope therapy helps!


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Dude I'd be pissed off. My DP wouldn't never stand for that. He'd tell his dad that we are partners and we don't keep secrets.


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## WNB (Apr 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mija* 
Each spouse can recieve 11k, so a couple can recieve 22k. I really really doubt that he actually can't touch the money.









: about the gift limits.

I don't see there's reason to suspect he's outright lying about the account access. His parents may be deliberately locked it away from him (not _the family_, but from _their son_) given his past bad history with money, to which the OP alluded earlier.

My in-laws had their daughter add them to the title on her house after her (and her ex-husband's) bankruptcy - not because they want to own the house, but b/c they just don't trust their daughter to make sensible, adult decisions about money. So they still treat her like a child. I don't agree, I don't think it is conducive to a healthy relationship, and I don't think it's an effective way to help her learn to manage money better, but it's not my business.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:

Use this as another reason to hate your inlaws, with all of the implications (not making it easy to see them, no visits, not answering their calls, banning them from your home, etc.) *but if you want your marriage to work, you live with the family and their hatred of you*

Bolding mine.

That is unacceptable and should never be. Why in the world should anyone just have to accept people treating them badly? If my mother treated my husband with anything but respect, I would absolutely lay down the law and she would have to follow it, or risk never seeing me or her grandchildren again. Same goes for DH. If his family were more than merely annoying to me, and actually hated me and let me know it, if he were to expect me to just suck it up and deal, I would consider it a betrayal.

People need to put their spouses first. Their families of origin need to grow up and accept their member's choice in a spouse and get over it.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamatoablessing* 
Are you sure about this? We get a similar gift from my folks every year but it is $22k. Maybe it's because I'm married, but so is OP so I'm not sure.

Anyway, here's the thing. If it is a bank account with your husband's name on it, he indeed has access to it. Even if it's a joint account with his parents. If his name is officially on the account he can access it. Now, if it's a trust or an IRA or something, then there are restrictions on access.

In any case, I would feel betrayed and hurt. DH and I share everything (emotionally and financially) and if I was in your situation I would be furious. DH and I do have separate accounts but we each know how much the other has and openly share all expenses and deposits. Additionally, my parents are very wealthy and have involved us in every step of their estate planning. They have made it very clear that all money left will be in MY name not DH's. I am their child, not DH. If I am not around to receive the money then it automatically goes to our kids in a trust. DH is not upset about this at all, although he and my folks have a great relationship. But despite your poor relationship with the IL's this is a pretty typical set up (money being left to child not spouse) so why the secrecy? Again, this makes me question if he actually does have access to the money. It all sounds much too covert for my comfort level.

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

_ETA: I just read that he's agreed to counseling. This is a great step. I wish you all the best!_


I see nothing wrong with a parent leaving money to their child, in the child's name only. I am about to inherit a small amount of money from my grandparent's estate and it will be in my name only. If DH's parents had money, it would be left to him in his name only. The trouble lies when someone keeps a secret about the money. Unless you are planning to leave an abusive relationship, IMO, it is not right to have secret money. Well...barring a small stash for Christmas or birthday or something.

I also think that the guy has access and I would also be very pissed.


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## ashleyhaugh (Jun 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
I see nothing wrong with a parent leaving money to their child, in the child's name only. I am about to inherit a small amount of money from my grandparent's estate and it will be in my name only. If DH's parents had money, it would be left to him in his name only. The trouble lies when someone keeps a secret about the money. Unless you are planning to leave an abusive relationship, IMO, it is not right to have secret money. Well...barring a small stash for Christmas or birthday or something.

I also think that the guy has access and I would also be very pissed.

i agree with this. im getting an inheritance in 08, and it will be in my name only. dh and i will spend it together, but he knows and understands that legally i guess you can say that it is my money. i would never dream of keeping it from him though


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