# Please hellp???? Serious issue



## Parent1988 (Jul 2, 2016)

HELLO , EVERYONE I NEED ASK MUCH ADVICE AS I CAN GET AS THIS IS A VERY TOUCHY SITUATION.

MY 6 YEAR OLD SON WAS TOUCHED ON HIS PENIS AND BUTT BY MY BOYFRIEND'S 7 YEAR OLD SON. i AM VERY CONFUSED ASK TO HOW THIS HAPPEN BECAUSE I ALWAYS TRAINED MY SON THAT NOBODY IS TO TOUCH YOU IN THOSE AREAS AND IF THEY DO COME TELL ME. MY SON TOLD ME IT HAPPEN ON 6 DIFFERENT OCCASSIONS. MY BOYFRIEND SON TOLD HIM TO PULL DOWN HIS PANTS AND HE TOUCHED HIS BUTT AND PENIS .I ASKED MY SON WHY WOULD YOU EVEN PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN JUST BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU. i TOLD HM WHY HE DID NOT TELL ME THE FIRT TIME IT HAPPENED. MY SON SEEMS OK BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOW. HE IS STILL THE JOYFUL PLAYFUL CHILD. I DONT SEE ANY MOOD CHANGES. ALSO HE EVEN WANTSTO CONTINUE TO PLAY WITH HIM BUT I TOLD MY BOYFRIEND THAT HIS SON CANNOT COME OVER ANYMORE BECAUSE I THINK HE NEEDS HELP. WHAT 7 YEAR OLD JUST ASKS A CHLD TO DO THAT. JUST FOR MORE CLARIFICATION MY BOYFRIEND ONLY GETS HIS SON ON HOLIDAYS AND THE SUMMER. HE BELIEVES THAT HIS SON MAYBE GETTING TOUCH BY SOMEONE WHO IS ASKING HIM TO DO THOSE THINGS WHEN HE DOESN'T HAVE HIM. I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRUEL TO SAY I DONT WANT THIS LITTLE BOY AROUND MY SON BUT I HAVE TO PROTECT MY CHILD ESPECIALLY WHEN IT WAS DONE MORE THAN ONCE. ANY ADVICE


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Hello Parent1988. Thanks for joining us here! Would you mind posting in small caps as the 'all caps' is hard on the eyes and implies shouting. Thanks!

There is some amount of curiosity that goes on between children on body parts so it may not be true that everyone here has trouble but it is good to be cautious. Depending on personality and temperament, your child may be just curious and didn't think it was a bad thing to let a same age 'peer' touch his penis (contrasted with an adult or much older child). There is also could be a power difference between them, where he felt coerced into pulling down his pants. If your boyfriend's son is showing other signs of being sexually abused (besides this incident) it is wise to get that checked out and to have someone neutral talk to him. They should not play unsupervised at all until you can get to the bottom of the situation.

It is important not to make your son feel bad or damaged because of what happened. He likely didn't feel scared (as with a stranger situation). It's important to teach children that there will be situations with people they think they can trust that are still not 'o.k.' They need to trust their gut on these as well. It's not as simple as 'don't do it.' They need to be able to evaluate each situation even if it doesn't meet the criteria for what you've taught them about safe touch.


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## Xerxella (Feb 6, 2008)

I would also keep my child away from private situations with this other child. Also, you should keep you child away from situations where he's alone with your boyfriend. I know you don't want to think this, but your boyfriend is seriously suspect. I would take a hard look at your boyfriend. And, you really should talk to an impartial party, such as a therapist. Someone from the outside can sometimes see things we can't see when we're too close to the situation.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Yep, curiosity between age mates totally normal and to be expected.

Any sexual contact between an adult and child ....NOT OKAY.

Please be very gentle with your child. I don't think he did anything wrong here.

And good luck to you sussing out what really happened. I say no leaving him alone with boyfriend for now. Because if this does turn out to be something more, you could lose custody of your child to the system because you left him with "unsafe persons".


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## Parent1988 (Jul 2, 2016)

Xerxella said:


> I would also keep my child away from private situations with this other child. Also, you should keep you child away from situations where he's alone with your boyfriend. I know you don't want to think this, but your boyfriend is seriously suspect. I would take a hard look at your boyfriend. And, you really should talk to an impartial party, such as a therapist. Someone from the outside can sometimes see things we can't see when we're too close to the situation.


Thank you so much for your response philomom and Xerxella. I really appreciate your feedback. I definitely understand where both of you are coming from. And trust me I have definitely taken a good look at my boyfriend. But to give you a little background my boyfriend son stays in a whole another city through out the year. He only comes to see his father during the summer and holidays. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years so most of the time its just my boyfriend , myself and son. My son is a very outgoing child and has not once ever told me my boyfriend has done anything to him so I can say that, I truly believe boyfriend does not possesses that type of behavior. However I always told my son to let me know no matter who it is, that if somebody touch you let me know who it is. So he knows it doesn't mattter about the person I just wantto know so I can protect you. I can definitely see why my boyfriend would seem suspect, because his son did those things but my son has never felt threaten or violated by my boyfriend. I believe if he can tell me about my boyfriend son doing those things , he would have told me the same thing if my boyfriend had done it. So that is why I truly believe my boyfriend is not the issue in this it's his child. His child is in a whole another city 10 months out the year and he is indeed around his mom boyfriend as well as other family memebers. When he is down here he does't like to go outside he did not won't to play games when we all went to Chuck e cheese so sometimes he doesn't act like a normal 7 year old. I pesonally believe something is going on in the other city and my boyfriend and I are trying to get to the bottom of it because a child does not just ask another child to pull down your pants and someone definitely show him that or yet he is being instructed to do that himself. If you have any advice I would greatly appreciate it and again thank you for your feedback!


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## penelopemom (Sep 28, 2013)

*Maybe, maybe not...*

Hi - I don't want to make anyone fearful, but at the same time it is NOT always "just kids exploring" one another's bodies. The only reason I am replying is because lots of people don't believe that kids can molest other kids. Children are sexually molested by other kids, even those of the same age, and even by "little" kids. I know of two cases very close to me, unfortunately, that both had long lasting effects. In both cases, it was dismissed as "kids being kids" when it most certainly was not. The "other" kid was being molested in one of the cases, and was then redirecting it, doing much damage. (I don't know much about the second "other" child, but it too had lasting repercussions.) It stands to remember that the 7 year old MAY be a victim himself, or at least he MAY be being exposed to too-grown-up sexuality through TV or older kids and is redirecting it in a way that makes him be the person in charge (in other words, not a victim of _physical_ abuse, but is being subjected to something unhealthy for him.) If you are a praying person, I would ask for wisdom here because it is a delicate situation - but please don't ignore it. 
You can find a lot more by googling things like "child sexual abuse by other kids" - the top hit is a pdf that has some good info.
It MIGHT be totally normal child exploration, it might not. In the cases I know of I wish the parents had been more proactive sooner. Glad your son came and told you, he might be telling you the whole story, or he might be waiting to see your response, not sure if he is in trouble, or not wanting to get his friend in trouble. 
For now, 
1. *Ask more questions*, keeping it light but making sure you know what's up. 
2. Keep them together only in the same room as you - period. 
3. It also sounds like maybe your boyfriend's son could do with a guys-day-out with dad, where he can have a little "man" talk with his son to learn more about why he might be curious, and if he has any sexual questions that his dad can answer. That talk might go a long way to learn more about whether this is normal curiosity (and dad can help with that!! honestly, but age-appropriately) or something more. 
Communication is key. No judgement on either kid.
Will pray for you myself.


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## Steinn (Aug 4, 2012)

Don't be hysteric about it, it's NOT a serious issue at all! :wink: It's a perfectly normal curiosity going on. Let it be and don't continue to ask questions about it, that will for sure make your son unsecure and perhaps afraid. I'm sorry to say this, but you North Americans are way to hysteric regarding all nudity and similar. Let the kids be kids.


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## Claudia Chapman (Aug 9, 2012)

Steinn said:


> Don't be hysteric about it, it's NOT a serious issue at all! :wink: It's a perfectly normal curiosity going on. Let it be and don't continue to ask questions about it, that will for sure make your son unsecure and perhaps afraid. I'm sorry to say this, but you North Americans are way to hysteric regarding all nudity and similar. Let the kids be kids.


Have you lived in North America?


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## PacificMar (Jul 24, 2012)

Steinn, I'm all for supporting children to develop a healthy body image and healthy attitudes toward sexuality. You're right that there's a puritanical strain in North American society that can make this goal difficult to achieve. 

However, sadly, not every incident like this is just innocent exploration. Sometimes it's a sign that a child is being victimized and needs help. I didn't get the impression that any of the previous posters were trying to make either child feel ashamed, and I support their recommendation to make gentle, non-judgmental inquiries into the situation and to intervene if there's any danger of exploitation. As with anything else, I think it's more constructive to respond to the individual situation than to make assumptions, which can delay intervening where it's warranted.


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## Silversky (Dec 13, 2016)

NOT always innocent. Definitely a time to be cautious, although perhaps just be cautious without being overly so and scaring your son in case he starts to think he has participated in something 'dirty' or 'wrong' when he may not have and it wouldn't be his fault anyway.
Just watch them when together. Just have a talk to your boy in a non-threatening way and let him know anything that makes him uncomfortable by ANYONE then he can tell you about it and you will be there to help him.
I know from personal experience even something innocent-seeming can have life-long impacts. I think you're on the right track to be at least cautious because it is hard to know yet what has gone on and the intent behind it. But be mindful of your son's sensitivity to your stressing about it too.


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## MurphyQueen (Feb 3, 2017)

I think that those whoa re sying that it is not always innocent are Overreacting. Yes a child can molest a child, but here is one point to look at it. As long as the other kid isn't forcefully pulling his pants down just to touch him, if your kid says NO and your boyfriends kid says OKAY, then it IS just kids exploring each other. 

This isn't that big of an issue, I had a sister who when was very little was hiding in the closet with her friend (male) and they were touching each other. No biggies, both grew up health adults, they're still friends.


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