# I can't believe I'm posting here, but I need to tell my story.



## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I wish that I could get to know you mamas under different circumstances and that we didn't have a need for this forum, but here goes.

On Monday, 8/29/05, I woke up around 4:00 a.m. with what felt like very intense back labor. I couldn't get a break from it so I kept thinking maybe it wasn't labor, but I decided to try and go back to sleep. That didn't work, so I went and sat on the toilet and I got some relief that way. As time went by I began to feel like I was going to start my period. I woke up DH around 5:00 and let him know that I thought I was in the early stages of labor. He got up and got ready for work and I got in the shower. The hot water felt really good so I just stayed in the shower as long as the hot water would last.

DH wasn't sure if he should go to work or not but I told him to go b/c I had called his grandma the day before and she was coming over anyway. I made some breakfast for myself and waited on his grandma to come. In the meantime, MIL called and wanted to know if I was okay and I let her know that I thought I was in labor. She called her mom and sister and asked them to come over and sit with me. I had to go into the dr. that morning anyway at 11:00 to deliver my 24 hr. urine. I had been placed on modified bedrest over the weekend for pre-eclampsia which turned out to be nothing.

It was 8:00 by the time DH's grandma and aunt arrived and the pain was getting worse. I called my dr.'s office and let them know but my dr. wasn't in so I spoke to the nurse of one of his partners. She said to come in immediately and bring my urine with me. DH's aunt took me and his grandma stayed w/my sleeping DS.

The ride to the hospital was agonizing. I started feeling really lightheaded and told his aunt I was going to pass out. Just 1/2 mile or so from the hospital I started vomiting. All over DH's aunt's van. She pulled over and I told her to keep going. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't quite grasp what it was and I knew we needed to get to the hospital fast.

In hindsight I would've totally skipped going into my dr.'s office and instead would've headed straight to the ER but it wouldn't have made a difference. We got to my dr.'s office and they brought down a wheelchair. I was so lightheaded that I knew walking and the elevator ride required to get to his office were out of the question.

He still wasn't in the office so one of his partners saw me and said "Get her over to the hospital now." Apparently I was gray in color and looked awful. So back into the wheelchair and then back into the van for the ride across the street to the hospital. DH's aunt parked illegally and waved down a nurse to get her a wheelchair for me. We got inside and the front desk wanted my information. I could barely speak at this point from the pain and the fact that I was so nauseated and lightheaded so DH's aunt spoke for me. She basically told them to get me back to L&D and they could get my info later. Next thing I knew, one of the volunteers was flying me back to L&D.

They got me in a room which was about the size of the smallest closet in my house. It was very cramped and sooo cold. I remember just shivering, which topped w/the pain was very miserable.

Some time had passed I think b/c I remember DH's aunt coming in and saying she had called DH and my MIL. DH got there first and just having him there was comforting. They hooked me to the monitors and 2 or 3 nurses tried to find the baby's heartbeat. One nurse thought she had it at one point but lost it. Another one of my dr.'s partners came in w/the ultrasound machine and after digging around on my belly w/the wand he confirmed my worst fear. There was no heartbeat. Our precious baby was gone at 36w6d.







When he said, "I'm sorry, but your baby has passed away," I went completely numb. All I could do was stare straight ahead. MIL was there and she lost it. DH began crying and all I could do was stare. Little did I know that I was in shock and about to bleed to death.

I had no vaginal bleeding or anything to make the dr.'s think there was trouble. The dr. gave me the option of delivering vaginally or a c-section. DH insisted they do a c-section b/c he thought delivering our lifeless baby vaginally would be too traumatic for everyone.

I had about 5 different nurses trying to start IV's on me and none of them could get it. Finally the 6th nurse got a line started and they left DH and I alone for a little bit. I couldn't talk to him or anything. I just stared. He just sat by my bed and cried.

They let me labor for awhile longer b/c I had eaten that morning and if they were going to do a c-section the risk of me aspirating if I vomited was pretty great. I had eaten at 6:00 a.m. that morning and so they were wanting to wait until around noon. When I became more "shocky" they rushed me back to the OR around 11:00 or so. I don't know why I remember that time b/c I was in such bad shape physically and mentally.

The OR was so cold but the people there were so gentle. That's where I was first introduced to the bereavement nurse, Sue. She asked me (before they put me under) if I wanted to hold Reagan after I recovered and I shook my head yes. I remembered in the labor room that DH said he didn't want to see her b/c he thought it would be too painful and I tried to tell him that I thought it would help him in the grieving process if he held her and got to see her, but again, I couldn't speak.

Everyone was so gentle and kind in the OR and pretty soon I had drifted off to sleep under the anesthesia.

I didn't wake up until around 2:00 p.m. Again, I have no idea how I remember these times, but I do. I was all alone in the recovery room not really remembering what happened. The first person to come in was a hematologist. He said that I had lost a lot of blood and was very sick but that he was going to take care of me and I'd be fine. Another dr. came in and said basically the same thing, but added that my placenta had broke away and tore in several places which is why my back pain was so intense. When they opened me up I was literally bleeding to death. They had given me 4 units of blood and blood products during the surgery.

The nurse asked if I wanted to see anyone and of course I asked for DH. But while I was waiting for him to come in, they wheeled in another woman who had just had a c-section. And I swear to God if I ever find out who this woman is I will hunt her down and it will not be pretty. I know she didn't know that I was on the other side of that curtain or my circumstances, but I heard her tell her husband, "That wasn't so bad. I wonder when they'll let me go outside and smoke. I'm ready to get out of here."









Anyway, DH came in and said I had given everyone a scare. They let my mom come back next who didn't get there in time for my surgery but DH kept her informed by phone of what was going on (she lives 3 hrs. away). Her voice was so soft and I remember that being very comforting to me. She let me know that my dad and youngest sister, who were traveling back from CA, had left my grandma's and were headed our way and that my sister, who lives in Houston, was trying to get a flight out. And, my brother had been contacted by the Red Cross at West Point and he was just waiting for a flight out as well. I couldn't understand why they were all coming, but I also didn't understand the gravity of the situation quite yet.

A few more people came in (my 2 best friends and their mother), but finally Sue, the bereavement nurse, came in and asked if we would like to see Reagan. She let us know that Reagan weighed 6 lbs., 7 oz. and was 20" long. I never asked what time she was born and I still don't know. I had enough sense to know that Reagan was gone but I wasn't prepared for this beautiful baby they handed to me. DH was just so amazed and kept saying, "We make such beautiful babies." She was beautiful and perfect. We spent quite a bit of time with her in the recovery room. They had put her in a beautiful outfit and tied a bow in her curly hair.

I remember handing her back to the nurse not wanting to ever let her go, but I was beginning to drift in and out of consciousness again. I heard someone say they were going to put me in ICU for observation and so up to the ICU I went.

I had lots of visitors there in the first few hours but I wasn't really aware of anything. I remember the dr. coming in to check on me and he was concerned b/c of continued blood loss. They gave more units of blood (at this point I was up to about 18 units or so) b/c I was filling the drain on my right side every 4 minutes. Basically the blood was coming out as fast as it was going in. By 10:00 or so that night I was very critical b/c of the blood loss and the dr. came up himself and personally wheeled me back to the OR. They were originally waiting on more units of blood and blood products to thaw but he said, "We cannot wait. She's not going to make it."

I was concsious for my 2nd trip to the OR and before I got to the elevators I remember seeing my aunt. She came running over and said that she loved me and mom and dad loved me and I was going to be okay. My mom wasn't there at the time b/c she had gone to pick my sister from Houston up at the airport (over an hour away).

I got back in the OR and that cold feeling came back. The anesthesiologist I had this time was this huge man and he was sooo loud. I guess I kept telling him to quiet down. He was rough w/me but I knew that I was critical and they were just trying to hurry. They put the oxygen mask over my face which I fought bad but in just a few seconds I was asleep again.

They opened me back up and my uterus and everything inside was black, battered, and bruised and I was indeed bleeding to death. The muscle up next to my uterus on my right side was causing all the problems. They repaired it and hoped that that took care of the problem. It did. I woke up around 2:00 a.m. with the oxygen mask still on my face which I fought again. I asked the nurse to please, please take it off. I felt like I couldn't breathe with it on. She took it off and replaced it w/the oxygen that just goes in your nose. I could barely talk after having been intubated twice over the 2 surgeries but I managed to squeak out, "I need something to drink." My mouth felt horrible and I couldn't swallow. They ended up giving me some ice chips.

Then, right before they wheeled me back up to ICU, they stuck a suppository of some kind in my rectum and I screamed and cried. They said it was to keep my uterus from contracting. This suppository caused a lot of problems up on ICU b/c nobody believed me that it was stuck in my rectum. It was extremely uncomfortable and for days I kept insisting that something was "stuck up my butt" but none of the nurses could see anything and when they called down to L&D to see what they had stuck inside me the nurse down there replied, "We didn't put anything in her rectum. She's imagining things." I kept insisting that there was something in my rectum and it wasn't until my mom (also an RN) and my nurse got down there w/a flashlight and saw it. I eventually passed it.

Over the next few days we got to spend a lot of time w/Reagan. DH didn't want a lot of people handling her so we decided that only us and both sets of grandparents would hold her. We had some private time w/my parents and 2 sisters and Reagan. My dad told me later that that meant so much to him. Just getting to hold her for a short time was so precious to him.

I spent a week in the hospital and ended up with 30 units of blood and blood products. My mom asked me a day or so after Reagan was born if I understood how serious I was. The dr.'s had put my entire family in a private waiting room during both my surgeries and that is never a good sign. I guess I didn't realize how close I came to losing my life. All I wanted was my sweet, precious Reagan. If I had to go in her place then so be it. My mom had called my grandpa, who lives with them, at some point and all he could say was, "Ross needs his mommy. Amy has to live. She has to fight!" I did fight and I'm extremely lucky to be sitting here typing my story.

DH ended up making all the arrangements for Reagan's memorial service. We decided that people could view her for 45 minutes before the graveside services. DH and I didn't go. We had spent our precious time w/her and we wanted our family to be able to spend that time as well.

There were many, many people at her service. Some were complete strangers but they had read Reagan's obituary in the paper and felt lead to come and let us know they were thinking of us. I chose 3 songs to be played. Music is very, very healing to me and it helped to calm me during the service.

Since then we've had many people call or write to say their lives were touched by Reagan's spirit. One of my aunts who has been quite removed from our family for a number of years actually reached out to me. She sent me a chain w/a baby's ring attached which I now wear around my neck at all times. She also reminded me that Reagan is not alone in Heaven. My grandpa is there with her to protect her and hold her.

I know the healing process will take a long time and sharing my story is just part of it. I hope that I can be here for other mamas to lean on like I've leaned on so many of you already. MDC mamas are awesome and I can never thank all of you enough for what you've done for my family during this time. The things you have done in memory of Reagan are simply amazing and mean so much to us. Thanks for reading.


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## lactationmom (Aug 13, 2002)

Oh bless your precious heart.

I can NOT even imagine the hell you've been through. Not only the loss of your baby, but trying to recover physically, you've been dealt a double blow.

I am praying that your family will recover quickly and only think of the wonderful memories you have of Reagan, not of the pain.















:


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## lisahas2cats (May 4, 2004)

Hugs and prayers for you and your healing, mama...

Lisa


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I am so touched by your family, and your little girl. Holding you and your family in the light tonight.


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## weetzie (May 29, 2003)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## Helen White (Aug 19, 2004)

Your story made me cry, despite reading this at work.

I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby Reagan and for all the trauma you've experienced.

I hope you soon find comfort and healing.


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel. God bless you and your family.


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## CarolynnMarilynn (Jun 3, 2004)

I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Warm wishes to you and your hurting family. Reagan was loved.


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

You and your family are in my prayers


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## chubbycheeks (Jan 10, 2004)

Praying for you and your sweet baby angel, Amy. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

So sorry for your loss.

You have such strength to be able to tell your story even though it has only been a few weeks. You are so very strong. I'm happy to hear that you are still with us though.

Much love goes out to your family and Reagan.

----Mary


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

I am so touched by your story. God bless you, Sweetheart. You have been through so much. I can't help but cry for you and your babe, but I am also grateful that you have survived.

Hugs,
Lisa


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## isosmom (Apr 23, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story.
I really have no words right now. I am just .....


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Oh Amy. I am so sorry. I am crying with you Mama. I hope you find yourself physically healing soon. I am here to help with you heart healing too.
Take Care Mama. You are an awesome woman. Hugs & Love


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## loon13 (Dec 2, 2002)

Many hugs to you mama, you are in my thoughts.

I am crying still for you and your loss...


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

Amy- you have been, and continue to be, in my thoughts. I am so sorry.


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## gottaknit (Apr 30, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.


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## ankh (Feb 23, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss, you are in our thoughts.















Lisa


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I am so sorry you have to be here also.

there is nothing worse.

my thoughts are with you.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

I wish no one ever had to experience this kind of pain. I pray for peace for you & your family. I am glad you can think of your grandfather protecting Reagan Claire.








: So sorry for your loss.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Oh Amy....







There's nothing I can say...just know I am thinking of you.







I am sorry for your loss...


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## PortraitPixie (Apr 21, 2005)

wishing you love, healing, and peace. I am so sorry.


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Oh, mama, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. You chose a lovely name for her.








Reagan Claire


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## todzwife (Apr 3, 2003)

Amy, I am sitting here in tears. I am SO incredibly sorry that you are going through this. You are a strong woman. May the Lord bless you. Rest in Peace little Reagan.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Im so sorry


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Dear Amy,
I am so so sorry for your loss. Youa nd your family are in my prayers and thoughts. Please feel free to e-mail or pm me if you need to talk. I lost my daughter 2 years ago and was also at death's door the day of her delivery.
Gossamer


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Amy,

I know we don't know each other at all, butI sit here crying for you and desparately wishing I could hold your hand and cry together. It's strange how the feeling of bonding can happen between two mamas that have lost their precious babies. You will be going through so many very strong emotions and please know that I and a lot (too many) women will be here for you whenever you need us.

How is your dh now? And how has your 3-year old been dealing with the loss of his sister?


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## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

Amy, I wanted to let you know how I've been thinking of you and Reagan Claire. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and healing.


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Oh, Amy, I am so, so sorry. You have been through so much. I will keep you and your precious Reagan in my heart and prayers.


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## Niamh (Jan 17, 2005)

Oh, sweetie, I'm crying for you. May you heal well.


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## starparticle (Jun 30, 2005)

I am so sorry - and I wish I could say that I didn't know what you were going through...we are all here for you.

You're very brave, and your strength will carry you through this.

Rachel


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## williamsmommy2002 (Feb 25, 2003)

I'm so sorry Amy. You have been in my thoughts.


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

Amy,
I am so terribly terribly sorry for your the loss of your sweet daughter, Reagan. I am so glad you made it.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

A very gentle welcome. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl, Reagan.

Please lean on us and be as kind to yourself as possible, we completely understand how difficult this journey is.


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## gridley13 (Sep 3, 2004)

I am so sorry...


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

I'm so sorry Amy. Reagan will live on forever in the hearts of many.

((hugs))


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Thank you, mamas, for your encouraging words. I'm printing this thread out so I can read what each of you have written whenever I want.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coleslaw*
How is your dh now? And how has your 3-year old been dealing with the loss of his sister?

My DH is my source of strength. He has been an absolute rock these last 3 weeks. I feel so bad for him b/c he went through absolute hell the first few days after we lost Reagan. I was in shock and wasn't there for him to lean on. When the reality of what happened finally hit me (I think it was Thursday of that week) I completely fell apart and he was right there holding me and crying right along with me.

We have lots of pictures of Reagan, as well as a lock of her hair, plus the outfit they put on her in the hospital. I'm not quite ready to look through those things yet and DH said last night he wasn't going to rush me. He put all the things up until I'm ready. He is so strong.

Ross has internalized what happened. He knows there is something different but can't quite understand it. The bereavement nurse warned us that if he was newly pl'd that he would probably backslide. We had just gotten pooping in the toilet down a few weeks before I went into the hospital. He has had an accident in his pants almost every day (sometimes more than once a day) since I've been home from the hospital.

This morning we went to speech at the hospital and we have to pass by the building where my dr. is located and he asked if we were going to the "baby dr." I told him that mommy isn't going to the baby dr. right now. He said, "Baby gone from your tummy, mommy?" I couldn't answer him. I just don't know what to say to him. My sister has been staying w/us this week and I just looked at her helplessly. DH has talked to Ross some about what happened. He knows that mommy was in the hospital and was very sick but he doesn't totally understand why mommy is so sad now.

When he got out of bed this morning he said, "Mommy! Baby in my tummy gone!" We played this game while I was pg that he had a baby in his tummy too and we would try to find his baby's heartbeat. Kids are so perceptive. It just amazes me.

The bereavement nurse gave us a book to use with him about a family of bunnies. One of the baby bunnies dies in the book and the rest of the book is about how the sibling bunny feels. The book is sitting on the kitchen table unopened.







I guess we're both struggling for the right words to come to us in order to help Ross understand this.

Thanks for reading.


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## kelly81 (Jun 11, 2005)

Amy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you and your family.

I'm sure you've heard this song already, it's one of my favorites, we played it at my daughter's funeral. It's called Precious Child by Karen Taylor - Good I still can not hear it with out crying. Here's a link to the song and lryics:

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/precious_child.htm

I also created my own site for bereaved mothers, I am not trying to solicite at all, just give you a place for support.

http://www.amothersgrief.com

Thinking of you.... (((hugs)))


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## sleet76 (Jun 2, 2004)

I am so sorry. I will hold you all in my thoughts.


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## nora--not a llama (Feb 25, 2005)

Oh, Amy. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family continue to be in my prayers.
Sending peace and blessings your way.


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## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

I'm so sorry Amy. I don't know what else to say. Thank you for sharing your story, I really hope it is theraputic for you.


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## De-lovely (Jan 8, 2005)

Amy I continue to pray for you and dh and Ross-you are never far from my thoughts.Be gentle with yourself mama...........


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

I have no words... I am sorry.








Reagan


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Another great website that I highly recommend for books for you, dh and Ross

A Place To Remember

The book Empty CRadle, Broken Heart for you and dh; A Father's Story for dh, and We were Going to Have a Baby but had an angel instead for Ross.

I had a m/c when dd was 3.5. We talked about how the baby died, it wasn't in Mommy's tummy anymore. Unfortunately, she had to experience it again with Grace. We were very open and answered questions as honestly as we could because when we kept our mouths shut or danced around the subject she knew and ended up making up the answers in her head, which were worse than the truth. Kids are amazing and they can be a source of strength for you. I would tell dd when I was cranky, that sometimes people get cranky when they are sad, etc.

And your dh sounds like a gem, but know that he may be feeling lost and not showing it since most guys feel the need to be strong, especially I would imagine if he almost lost you. And others may not think of him either, since the focus will mostly be on you, so mentioning it to family and friends to not forget about him may be helpful.

I am thinking of you often. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk more about this.


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## Ms.Doula (Apr 3, 2003)

& Prayers still coming from us.......


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking gentle thoughts for you and your family.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i want to add my thoughts of condolence to you and your family. i will keep you in my thoughts... reagan is a really wonderful name for your beautiful daughter... it is great that you have such a solid base of support and love from your husband and family, and i hope that you can continue to find support here at the p&bl boards... i lost coral about 6 months ago, and i just wanted to say that from this point in my journey i can see a clear difference in my emotional state in comparison to the first few days & weeks after she died... i think i have moved out of the post-partum period physically, and that has enabled me to see what happened in a much steadier light... i guess i am trying to give you a sense of hope for the coming months... no matter how you do it, it is such a sucky, horrible, tragic circumstance that we have all been touched by, and living past it is a challenge... the love from your son and husband should be a soothing blanket that you can keep wrapped around you during these sad, sad weeks.
take care... coralsmom


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## mamaley (Mar 18, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. i have been thinking of you, sweet Reagan, and the rest of your family.


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## darkstar (Sep 8, 2003)

Oh mama...I am so sorry for your loss. What a blessing that you had such a great nurse there so you could spend time with your beautiful babe. I hold you close in my heart









darkstar


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## NWmt_mama (Jul 22, 2005)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Peace and hugs to you.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

my heart is broken for you.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Amy,
I am so sorry for your loss.








I am really looking forward to getting to know you over at MOA....
Love and Peace mama!!!!

JAckie


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## Ms.Doula (Apr 3, 2003)

(what is MOA?)







:


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## Eggie (Aug 7, 2003)




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## Pridelandsmommy (Feb 6, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss, Amy.......my prayers are with you and your family.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Oh, (((((Amy))))))!









I am so very, very, very sorry. There are no words.

Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Many, many, many







s.


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## William's Mom (Oct 6, 2004)




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## LoveChild421 (Sep 10, 2004)

I will keep your family in my prayers. you are so strong.







for your angel


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

I too cried when I read your story. Bless you for having the courage to go on after suffering such a traumatic loss.

Peace to you, my friend.


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

Amy,
Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful daughter Reagan with us.

Patti


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

Words seem so trivial at a time like this...







Just know that we are all thinking of you and praying for peace and healing. I am so sorry for all that you have endured on top of losing your precious Reagan


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

Mama.... I can't stop crying. you are a wonderful mother, and I am so sorry that you lost your precious little one. may you continue to find comfort here ((((HUGS)))))


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## KristyH (Oct 25, 2005)

I am so so sorry. Tears fill my eyes from your story.
-Kristy Huizinga.


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## warneral (Feb 28, 2003)

oh mama I am so terribly sorry for your loss.


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