# S/O: Do you ever fight the urge?



## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

To hit or spank that is.

In the 'No Spanking' thread I posted that I don't hit my kids because I was never hit as a child. It never occurred to me to use that as discipline.

However, I have had many, many strong impulses to spank or hit or lash out.

I'm not asking how people combat that feeling - but rather, does everyone get that feeling? That end of your rope, last resort, you're so close feeling?

Just curious.


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

Yes, I've gotten that feeling many times with all my kids. Luckily I've kept my head and not done it, but the impulse is definately there.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Yes. I tell dd I need to go to my room and cool off, and that's what I do. It doesn't take long. And now sometimes when she's angry she'll do the same thing. An important part of parenting IMO is to model how to behave when you have strong emotions. Our kids aren't happy all the time and they need to see that we get angry too and that it's possible to deal with those emotions without hurting anyone.


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## peachopotamus (Feb 18, 2009)

Yes, when I feel trapped, like when I am sitting in the back seat in the car with the kids and DD keeps poking me or when DD just out of the blue bites her brother. I try to understand her what needs aren't being met.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Yes.


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## ainh (Jul 27, 2006)

I have actually never felt the urge to spank.

BUT...I feel the urge/need to grab DS very forcefully by both of his arms and really make him feel it, if that makes sense?! I literally have never thought of swatting him, but I have grabbed him much harder than I needed to and lashed out verbally. I think I'm just not a very physical person myself (only child with hippie parents/friends, so I had very little aggressive physical interactions as a child). I certainly am prone to losing my temper, but it's more likely to be with screaming and sarcasm and such.


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## mamarootoo (Sep 16, 2008)

not very often, and only since i've been pregnant, and she wont stop grabbing my nips.

when it's happened, i just have to stand up and tell her mama needs some space for two minutes.

i always feel so guilty afterwards, even though i've never acted on the impulse


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## mrsfrenchy (Apr 14, 2008)

I've only felt that way once with DD...and she was only 6 months at the time, so I definitely wasn't going to do it.
But I once had an autisitic girl that I was caring for spit soda in my face.







: I wanted to smack her sooooo bad. I didn't do anything for a second. I just took a deep breath. And then we left.

I totally know the feeling.


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## SeekingJoy (Apr 30, 2007)

I have felt it. For me it is a strange, mysterious rage that seems to come out of nowhere. It is also my sign I need more self-care. A good meal and an un-interrupted block of a few hours sleep.


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## neverdoingitagain (Mar 30, 2005)

Yes.
I was physically disciplined as a child though. My mother sometimes lashed out at me physically, though she usually just took a deep breath and walked away for a bit.
When I'm stressed, tired and I haven't been taking care of myself (which has been my life for the past 3-almost 4- months) I find myself more short-tempered. I really need to restrain myself and talk myself down. I find myself reminding myself that while hitting would satisfy my urge, it would just escalate the situation. Nothing like hitting a child to make them stop crying, hmm?








So yes...yes, yes a million times, yes


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## ainh (Jul 27, 2006)

One thing I do is flip the bird. It's total instinct. My son is too young to understand it and I have only done it to his back (mature, eh?). But I did it to this horrible friend of a kid that I nannied when I was in college and he totally saw it and called me out on it :| . Oops.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

When DS1 went through a very difficult biting phase around two, I found myself chanting inwardly, "Don'tspankhim,don'tspankhim, don'tspankhim."

I haven't had the impulse to do anything remotely physical in years though.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ainh* 
:| . .

Looks a little bit like this: ..|..

(sorry, I couldn't help it, my much younger sister taught me that)


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## SeekingJoy (Apr 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Breeder* 
When DS1 went through a very difficult biting phase around two, I found myself chanting inwardly, "Don'tspankhim,don'tspankhim, don'tspankhim."

I haven't had the impulse to do anything remotely physical in years though.

Oh. I really struggle when being physically hurt. Bitten, hit, kicked. The physical urge to push DS away is really strong.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

I was never hit or shamed as a kid either, and yet I fight the urge to be rougher with them than I ought to sometimes when I'm out of patience and ideas.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

I have honestly never had the urge to hit my kids. I was spanked as a child and remember how awful it made me feel. It makes me physically ill to think about my kids being spanked and made to feel the way I did as a child.


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## Vancouver Mommy (Aug 15, 2007)

Yes, but it isn't an urge to "spank" as a conscious discipline decision. It's more an "I've had enough and my head it about to explode" feeling like I could backhand one of them. One time I grabbed my dd hard by the arms when she was 2 and it left a mark. I felt absolutely terrible for days. I haven't lost control physically since then. I've been known to yell on occasion though.


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## burke-a-bee (Jan 8, 2005)

Yes.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vancouver Mommy* 
Yes, but it isn't an urge to "spank" as a conscious discipline decision. It's more an "I've had enough and my head it about to explode" feeling like I could backhand one of them. One time I grabbed my dd hard by the arms when she was 2 and it left a mark. I felt absolutely terrible for days. I haven't lost control physically since then. I've been known to yell on occasion though.

Same here. It's not like 'You've done A, now I'm going to discipline with B'.

The times I feel like I'm going to lose it are when one of my girls are having a tantrum and I inadvertently get kicked in the head by a thrashing toddler, or when my sixteen month old bites me out of no where. It's this sudden feeling of 'Augh!' you know? And like ainh mentioned, most of the time it's a desire to really get their attention more than a need to hit or slap.

Although when my younger dd bit me on the face the other day I was pretty close to losing it. We were just cuddling in the rocker, and she was snuggling into my neck and 'Chomp!' - I saw red.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Yes.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Not to spank, but to push her away or use unnecessary force to remove her from a situation, definitely! I am more emotional now that I'm pregnant and it's not done me any good. I also want to yell but am trying to yell in a more generic fashion, and not yell her name. I need to remember that it's not always her fault, and it's never completely her fault, that I feel that way.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

The other day I had to go in my room and climb up on my bed out of her reach because if I touched her, or if she touched me again, I was going to hurt her. I wanted to kick her, shove her, throw her... It was bad.









I felt and feel really crappy about it because she is just a baby.







My husband worked for a month straight and I've gotten no help and I'm at the end of my rope. Thank G-D he has this weekend off.


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## Momily (Feb 15, 2007)

Yes, not often and not strong enough that I couldn't overcome it, but yes.

It really surprised me. I'm a special ed teacher -- my specialty is 4 to 9 year olds with emotional/behavioral components to their issues. I've been hit, kicked, bit, cursed out, spit on etc . . . and I've NEVER felt that way towards a child. In fact, in the classroom I frequently have to basically force my self to feel angry so that I can get enough firmness in my tone to make it clear to kids that behavior is unacceptable (this sounds wrong, like I'm yelling, although I'm not I'm always gentle in the classroom but sometimes I need to use a tone that's "firm").

So the first time I had the urge to yell at or hit my beloved well behaved child when all he'd done was whine or lose something, or dawdle (that's about the extent of the misbehavior we face in my house) I was shocked.


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## Talula Fairie (Jan 7, 2005)

Yes. I struggle with this more often than I'd like to admit. I was severely abused physically by my mother until I was big enough to fight back, then we had physical altercations for a few years, then finally she stopped when my size exceeded hers (I think I was about 16 by this point)...so those patterns are ingrained in me. Lots and lots of therapy, removing myself from the situation, ect. It's so hard.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

It's not surprising that people's childhoods color their experience so much.

For me, I was never struck as a child. I grew up in a very peaceful, idylic almost, AP household.

So now when my sixteen month old hits and kicks, or worse, bites, I'm at a total loss. I remember when my now six year old head butted me once during a tantrum (she must've been about three at the time) I was immediately enraged. My thought pattern was something like 'How dare she!' and 'I'll show her'.

Thankfully I managed to gather my senses before I lost it, but I especially find that for me personally, when I'm hit or my space is otherwise unpleasantly invaded, that's when I feel like I'm going to fall over that edge.


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## Rico'sAlice (Mar 19, 2006)

I was spanked very rarely as a child.
But I feel the urge when DS bites me hard, or hits in the head suddenly. Well, not really spank, more like forcefully push him or something. I never come close to doing it, but the impulse is there. I do sometimes swear though.


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## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

Never really to spank, but to grab, shake, and bite - yes. It makes me understand why my kids bite each other - I'm 38 years old and I can just barely restrain myself sometimes!


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Yes, definitely. Well, I used to. I haven't had the urge at all recently, but my guess would be that's because this is an easy age for us.

Now, I'd be any amount of money that dp has NEVER had the urge to spank/push/etc. He spends a lot of time with ds (so it's not like he hasn't had the opportunity to deal with difficult situations). He totally doesn't "get" the use of physical punishment at all. He can't comprehend it, if that makes sense. He was GD'ed as a child.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

Yes.

I wasn't spanked a lot as a child, but it was one of my parents' 'tools'.

As PPs say though, for me, it's less of an urge to spank, but more just to be physically forceful with her. Big triggers for me are pinching and hair pulling.

I did hit her once accidentally - she was in the Ergo on my back and would not stop pulling my hair. I had tied it up, but she could still reach it and really pull hard. She was actually pulling strands out of my head. I was really angry and reached back a bit too hard to try to grab her hand to stop her, and hit her on the side of the face instead. Not hard, but it shocked both of us.

It's not something I want to do - I don't believe in using force to get weaker people to comply with you, and I don't think it's good for either parents or children for many reasons. But I think the urge to hit or be rough is a natural one - letting us know we need more space/time for ourselves. Mama cats just get up and walk away when their litter are nursing and get too rambunctious. I'm not advocating that we parent like cats, but I do think there's something to be said for realising that we mamas have needs that should be met too.

I know I'm far less likely to have urges to be rough with my DD when I've had enough sleep, am not hungry and have had some time to myself recently.


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ainh* 
I have actually never felt the urge to spank.

BUT...I feel the urge/need to grab DS very forcefully by both of his arms and really make him feel it, if that makes sense?!









:

I was spanked and I can literally feel it rise in me, the impulse to, for lack of a better Southernism, "snatch her up." And, for me there's a fine line because I _do_ sometimes have forcefully interrupt her. I just work really hard at taking deep breaths and being completely gentle in the moment of correction/redirection.


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## jenners26 (Mar 16, 2008)

Last night, actually.







We'd had a VERY rough day. Both babies woke up cranky yesterday morning, and continued that way all day. We had friends over, and my 5 yo was just insanely wild. And the weather was so bad, playing outside wasn't an option. The whole day had just been very over-whelming, and by late afternoon I was exhausted and cranky, and so were the kids!

So, after our friends left, I was making dinner, and my 5yo and my 2yo were running like lunatics through the kitchen, and I finally had it....the stove and the oven were both in use, and they would not stop running past it. And, not needing a child getting burned, I turned on the t.v. and told them to sit down and settle down and stay out of the kitchen while I finished dinner.

About two seconds later they were up and at it again, and this time, my daughter tripped over her own feet (because she was running with shoes on) and slid face first into the corner of the wall, and split her lip open. It was awful, she was bleeding everywhere. And, it literally took all the strength I had not to spank my 5yo. I knew logically it wasn't his fault she tripped, but that, "If you would sit down and stop running so would she, and this wouldn't have happened" feeling was pretty over-powering. But, it quickly dissipated when I saw how bad he felt that his sister was hurt.









Even though I didn't act on it, I still felt like I won crappy mother of the day yesterday.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

jenners, that is the worst feeling isn't it, when you get mad at them for not listening because you want them to be safe and not get hurt, then they don't listen and they get hurt and your'e mad at them for getting hurt, but feel bad because it wasn't prevented especially when you could almost foresee the accident. Well, you have my empathy and sympathy.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Yes..I get it and it so hard not to hit. I hit my dd once many years ago and have not hit ever again.


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## Make(. )( .)NotWar (Apr 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OGirlieMama* 
and bite - yes. It makes me understand why my kids bite each other - I'm 38 years old and I can just barely restrain myself sometimes!

OMG! I always have the urge to bite too! Never to hit, but I really have to fight that biting urge.


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## Jennyfur (Jan 30, 2007)

Rarely. I was spanked as a child, but I hated it, so when my kids were younger it didn't occur to me to spank.

Instead, I often had the urge to lose my temper and yell, so I still had something I had to restrain myself from doing!


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

Yes - I am often fighting the urge (I have lost a few times and it is something I will never forgive myself for). I was also spanked as a child. I grew up in many foster homes - a few of them had the biblical paddle (it was a wooden paddle with scripture on it). Spanking was deffinatley used as 'discipline' for me. Spanking was never used in an 'angry' way towards me. ...So I feel even more hurt by my urges because I know I feel like spanking my DS when I am angry/frustrated/etc (as pp have said above - its not an urge to spank as discipline, its an urge to lash out because of how I am feeling). It is these feelings I know I need to deal with. I know my triggers. I even have little 'posters' up around the house that say things like 'stop/peace/breathe/listen/connect' with loving photos on them. They serve as wonderful reminders and I find they really help!


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## webjefita (Aug 16, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ceinwen* 
To hit or spank that is.

In the 'No Spanking' thread I posted that I don't hit my kids because I was never hit as a child. It never occurred to me to use that as discipline.

However, I have had many, many strong impulses to spank or hit or lash out.

I'm not asking how people combat that feeling - but rather, does everyone get that feeling? That end of your rope, last resort, you're so close feeling?

Just curious.

Yes. And sometimes I don't win


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## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

Yes.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vancouver Mommy* 
Yes, but it isn't an urge to "spank" as a conscious discipline decision. It's more an "I've had enough and my head it about to explode" feeling like I could backhand one of them. One time I grabbed my dd hard by the arms when she was 2 and it left a mark. I felt absolutely terrible for days. I haven't lost control physically since then. I've been known to yell on occasion though.

I've grabbed dd like that twice this past week. I didn't leave a mark, but was surprised that I didn't. It's either that or spank her butt so it hurts. After I grabbed her up, I put her in our bedroom and slammed the doors shut. The really sad thing....when I went back (a very short time later), I just opened the door to let her come out. I was still angry and didn't want to comfort her. But she cried and followed me saying "mommy", with her arms in the air. Here, I was this horrible mother for a moment...and this innocent, unconditionally loving child still sought after me to give her comfort (after breaking her heart and scaring her). I'm so pathetic.

I've done a few more rotten things this week. I wish I could talk about it because it's eating me alive.

I'm filled with anger lately. I've been sick. No excuse. I'm finding that by losing my control and letting anger control me, it's harder to regain the control I once had. It's easy to be angry. It's easy to make my 2 yo cry when I throw her toys away for not listening to me. I've been so horrible to her this past week. So horrible.


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## hopefulfaith (Mar 28, 2005)

Yes.

I have never hit my kids, but I have fought the urge mightily.


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## jenners26 (Mar 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
jenners, that is the worst feeling isn't it, when you get mad at them for not listening because you want them to be safe and not get hurt, then they don't listen and they get hurt and your'e mad at them for getting hurt, but feel bad because it wasn't prevented especially when you could almost foresee the accident. Well, you have my empathy and sympathy.

Thanks for the empathy. It's been a rough week. Reading this thread has been helpful though...I'm glad I'm not the only one who fights this urge sometimes. It makes me feel bad when the "blissful/gentle/zen-like" parenting doesn't always come naturally....especially when I'm pregnant, and they're being particularly difficult, and all I can think about some days is how badly I want to collapse on the couch and take a nap!


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

Yes...especially now that I have 2. I never really had that urge with my first, but something about the emotional demands of 2. Fwiw I was never ever spanked (except once by grandpa)...for me it is an excellent barometer for needing rest, time to myself, a break etc.


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## alisoncooks (Apr 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MayBaby2007* 
Yes.

I've grabbed dd like that twice this past week. I didn't leave a mark, but was surprised that I didn't. It's either that or spank her butt so it hurts. After I grabbed her up, I put her in our bedroom and slammed the doors shut. The really sad thing....when I went back (a very short time later), I just opened the door to let her come out. I was still angry and didn't want to comfort her. But she cried and followed me saying "mommy", with her arms in the air. Here, I was this horrible mother for a moment...and this innocent, unconditionally loving child still sought after me to give her comfort (after breaking her heart and scaring her). I'm so pathetic.

I've done a few more rotten things this week. I wish I could talk about it because it's eating me alive.

I'm filled with anger lately. I've been sick. No excuse. I'm finding that by losing my control and letting anger control me, it's harder to regain the control I once had. It's easy to be angry. It's easy to make my 2 yo cry when I throw her toys away for not listening to me. I've been so horrible to her this past week. So horrible.

I'm actually crying right now, for you and WITH you. I know exactly how this feels. My nearly 3 yo DD is very spirited and strong-willed and there are days where I find my self-control just slipping away. I have, in the past, swatted her leg/butt...but this week I have TWICE popped her mouth/cheek for yelling/being sassy when the baby was napping. The broken-hearted look she gave me...And immediately I felt a consuming self-loathing that I'd done this to my precious child.

For everyone: None of us want to harm our children. The fact that we feel this remorse shows that we love our babies and want to raise them with love. I struggle with this daily, wanting to know how to best discipline and guide my children.


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