# Aftercare in the hospital?



## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Hi ladies.

I had someone say something to me the other day, and I would like all of your opinions. I was talking about a foundation in the city next to us that raises money to build extra private rooms for families experiencing baby loss, train nurses and staff and also supplies care packages. http://www.scottsmed.com/

Anyways, it's a great foundation and I said I wish we had something like that here, instead of just a leaf on the door. Note that I have never experienced a stillborn, let alone in the hospital, so I am not really that experienced in the topic I guess. I simply have the urge to make things better within our system for families experiencing loss through miscarriage or stillbirth.

Basically, this was her response via e-mail , "They do not wish to take away from any couple's experience that they in fact are parents so the choice, no matter how the pregnancy/labour ended, is given to them and in fact at any one time there is probably 1-2 moms on that floor (postpartum)with the ominous picture on their door (not ominous to those not in the know)."

So my question is... as I only know a few mama's who have experienced babyloss at term... did any of you get the choice of room location in the hospital? And if so, did you choose to stay in postpartum with all the new babies? Is there some sort of comfort there? I personally do not think I would be able to handle that... even after a miscarriage I have a hard time on that floor.

Thanks in advance for your insight.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

We weren't ft, but your only option at our hospitals are the l&d and pp section. I was placed in pp recovery. I guess they put you there because that's where the obs are in case there is any trouble, they don't have to go to another section of the hospital? When they do rounds, they check everyone.
I had an ok time at my hospital in recovery, but what I didn't like was that they ob was expecting. You'd think they would have had a little more consideration.
Also, no one from grief counseling approached me, I thought that should be something all families experiencing loss should have right away, so they know it's available to them. And also a priest-don't most hopsitals have one?-or at least made known one is available, especially for those w/ loss after 20wks, in case they want a baptism, or to talk.
For those families delivering later, I would hope some one from LC, or grief would be able to help them through/or explain about milk coming in and things to do to relieve it.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I wasn't term but just under 20 weeks.

I was in L&D and had a very bad experience with everything but my nurses. My nurses were very nice but absent. I have no idea where i was taken for recovery...I think it was a different floor but I can't remember. The nurse in my recovery seemed to want to leave the room as soon as possible. So did every doctor I had. In fact a few doctors actually told Dh that they didn't want to be present.

Something that bothers me now but didn't at the time was that at our hospital all the women in labor are monitored and their labor is on a screen in each room. So as I labored I was watching not just my contractions but also women who were birthing their term babies. As it turns out, one of these was a friend of mine. I found out the next day. In ways I think this is one more reason why I haven't been able to see her yet.

Had it not been for my midwife, not at all a part of the hospital and really just there as a friend, DH and I would have been completly alone for several hours at a time. MW acted as doula during my labor and birth. She's the one that kept family in the waiting room updated. She's the one that called a Chaplin, she's the one that called the nurses/Dr in when there were issues and she's the one that needed to tell the nurses that Amelia was nearly out.

It felt like no one at the hospital knew what the hell they were doing. One second we were told I was about to die and then the next we were told to push though I wasn't at all dilated. Very frustrating.

I wish I could have had grief counseling at the hospital. It wasn't offered and I was sooo not 'there' that I didn't think to ask for it. I wish that the nurses and doctors would have been in my room more.

I'm very thankful that MW was there for me but she didn't have to be as she wasn't really part of my medical team anymore because of her lack of privileges in the hospital. I wish that I felt that the hospital was competent in my care.

I would have NEVER chosen to be in L&D or a postpartum ward. NEVER.

I think that when you deliver a baby, and it dies, you already know you were their parent. If you don't then having to sign documents having to do with the baby's death sure wakes you up to it. I don't think a location really matters.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

After my full term delivery my son spent the first 10 minutes or so of his life being resuscitated. Watching the NICU teams hands shake as they worked on him, the quiet in the room and their glances at us told the whole story.

Our son was transferred to the hospital NICU and then we agreed to have him taken to the local children's hospital for a new study to try and save his life.

I was taken to the ante partum area - where all the pregnant mommas on bed rest stay. The nurses and my midwife said there we wouldn't have to listen to the newborns or be kept awake by them.

When we got there the nurse on duty was an angel - she took such good care of us and had a lot of caring vibes about her. It was past the middle of the night when we arrived in our room and I had been up for 24 hours plus. We were exhausted and in shock. She was great.

The nurse on duty the next morning was okay. DH had to rush to the children's hospital when the doc called to tell us our son was not doing well at all. DH called me as soon as he arrived and told me to come over a.s.a.p. I told the nurse I was leaving as soon as I could get dressed because my son was dying. She said if I left before being discharged my insurance wouldn't pay. I told her I didn't care. By the time I was walking out she had the paperwork for me to sign and showed me how to get out of that part of the hospital. They said they'd keep our stuff in our room for us.

When we returned several hours later, after our son had died in our arms, she asked what had happened. Well... I told her he died. She offered her sympathy but I think this was the first time anything like that had happened on her shift before. We were able to get our things and go.

The midwife told me she would prefer I stay another night in the hospital because of my blood loss but she knew I probably wanted to be home.

So, our hospital had some plans. The children's hospital also seemed to know how to handle it. We were taken to a room that reminded me of a motel room. Had a king-sized bed, side tables, a chair and a bath. We were able to be with our son while he died and the doctor checked in on us about 30 minutes after he took us to the room. Our son's nurse stayed close by and kept checking on us (it also seemed like this was a first for her, she was really young). The chaplain came and he was okay. Our families were able to come and some friends, too. Two things - the nurse forgot to get a lock of his hair like she said she would and she told us we had to call the funeral home to come pick him up. In our state we could have driven him there ourselves if we wanted to but no one told us that. Not sure I would have but it would have been nice to know. Also, when I called the funeral home they said the hospital had to call so I had to call the NICU and get a hold of the nurse to make the call. That was a real hassle having just lost him earlier that day.

I really like the idea of training, etc. I've found people who have no experience with it usually do not know how to handle it, say the wrong things without meaning to be hurtful, etc. Training the staff that although this is one of the worst things that can happen to a family somehow the family will come through it because they will learn to live with it. The staff need to know that in those first moments (and usually months) the family is in complete shock. How to handle the family with love and care are so important - not to be rushed or act like you don't want to be in their shoes (I felt like some people acted like we had the plague) would be very helpful training. The staff need to see that the horrible events and how the staff act can make such a difference in the recovery and healing for the families.

Sorry to ramble - I just think it is such a great idea.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

The hospital where I delivered has single rooms where moms typically labour, delivery and stay afterwards. I was put in the infection control room which is sealed in such a way that noise from the hallway doesn't come in. My room didn't have real curtains, so I could see directly into the hospital training room & they could see into my room.









I had fantastic nurses & my doctor was very caring. No complaints there. They were very respectful & called my son by name.

I wasn't allowed to be discharged the next morning until the social worker came to visit. She came in with a total pasted on sad face saying "I'm so sorry you had a fetal demise." Um, not a fetal demise. Our son died. He has a name, written in bold black ink on the front of the chart. All the nurses have managed to use his name. All it would have taken is 2 seconds for you to read the front of the chart. Not even the whole chart, just the big bold black writing on the front.














Needless to say, we complained after discharge about her.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Matthew was delivered by emergency c-section so there was no advance time to get me a room away from the other new moms initially. the second day however, i was moved to the surgery recovery unit and that was much nicer.


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## zejh (Jan 15, 2008)

I had an emergency c-section at 28 weeks, and once I was ready to leave the recovery room (which was on the edge of the maternity area, as far as I can remember) I was taken to a private room on a completely different floor which seemed to be primarily people getting joint replacements. It was a very quiet room, and the floor itself was very quiet for the first several days, since it was a long weekend and joint replacements are always scheduled. I had to be in the hospital for almost a week, since I was already anemic before the c-section, and it had to be a classical incision (which it would have been even if I'd scheduled it, for reasons of anatomy) so I was even more anemic and needed a blood transfusion several days into my stay.

Pretty much all the staff we encountered were very nice (the exception being one pain specialist resident, who kind of glared at my mom when she mentioned that people in our family react weirdly to narcotic painkillers, which, well, we do...) Another nice thing was that my husband was able to sleep on a fold-up bed in the room with me every night I was in the hospital--we only lived 6 miles away, but he doesn't sleep well if I'm not there, and he slept through nearly every nighttime nurse visit.

Perhaps the fact that we were in a tertiary hospital that gets quite a lot of high-risk transfers (like myself) had something to do with this--they have to be prepared for this kind of thing, like it or not. Without even asking, they seemed to know what to do, and what to say and not say to us while we were there.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Thank you everyone for sharing.







I wish no one had to experience the loss of a baby, it is so unfair.

I think if anything is ever going to change in how loss is viewed and handled, it's definitely good to know what needs to change, know what I mean? (in respect to hospital treatment) Where I live, we're about 100 years behind the rest of North America... so we have a little work to do.


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## JavaJunkie (Jan 16, 2009)

I gave birth to my stillborn daughter while living overseas in S.Korea. Dh is Army, so I was at a military hospital. This was over 14 years ago, and I have to say that they handled everything very well. My only regret is that I wasn't given more time with my baby, and that I don't have more pictures(I have one picture).

I was given the only private LDR room for my labor and delivery. They called in the anesthesiologist for an epidural(which they simply did not do for vaginal deliveries, but of course, my case was exceptional). All of the nurses were very gentle and respectful with me. I was moved to a different floor afterwards. I was given grief counseling. They gave me a small basket of keepsakes...her hat, the measuring tape. Also a folder with the paper keepsakes.

Dh and I begged for a c-section when we found out that she had died. The OB was kind, but basically refused. He gave me all of the "pros" of delivering vaginally...the main one being that I could fly back to the States within a few days, rather than waiting a couple of weeks or more if I had surgery. That right there made me comfortable with going ahead with the vaginal delivery. We weren't thinking clearly when begging for the c-section, and the OB knew that. I am, of course, very glad that I wasn't in a hospital that took a lighter view of c-sections. I've since had four more children, and that decision would have affected all of those births.

I can think of only one thing that was said that still pains me to this day, and it was something that the OB had said to me. But overall, he was kind. I don't think he ever meant to say anything hurtful.

Staying on the PP ward would have been more than I could have bared. It would have been torture. Oh, one more thing that the hospital did...there were no private rooms. All the rooms had at least 4 beds. But I had the room all to myself.


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## SuzyLee (Jan 18, 2008)

In the hosp. my mom worked in, they put any moms who lost a baby (and I think moms giving a baby up for adoption as well) on the Gyn end of the floor, which was mostly hysterectomy, ovarian cancer, etc etc. The OB and Gyn floor had nurses station in the middle, and OB on one side, Gyn on the other. So the same docs and nurses were there, but you didn't have to hear the babies crying, etc. That seemed like a good set-up to me.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

There's no way I could have stayed in the PP unit. I was in the ER and I was resting (had already lost my son, but they wanted to discharge me at 5am and I asked if I could stay and sleep so dh didn't have to wake the girls up so early). Anyway, another woman nearby must've had a threatened miscarriage because I could hear the doppler, and then her baby's heartbeat, and I lost it and started sobbing (apparently pretty loudly, I could hear the nurse whisper "she just lost her baby.") So yeah...

When my second daughter was born and was in the NICU and things looked bad, they put me in a room at the end of L&D instead of in the PP unit, which I really appreciated, especially since they don't have private rooms. Having to share a room with a mom and her newborn while my baby was fighting for her life in the NICU would have been torture.

So basically I don't care what that lady says, I would not want to be in PP and I think it's pretty cruel.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

And yeah, training would be nice. The ER nurse I had was nice, but obviously had no clue what to do (she even told me straight up that she had been in the ER for 4 years and never dealt with a second trimester miscarriage). So she said all the wrong things, but I just ignored it because I knew she wasn't try to hurt me, she just didn't know what to do.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Ahh yea, that reminded me. At the beginning I was in the er and was forced to choose if I wanted mw to stay or dh. At this time my contractions were just starting to be feeling real. The uav nurse kept calling me dear as she demanded one of them leave do she could do a blood draw. More training is needed in ALL floors!


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WaitingForKiddos* 
More training is needed in ALL floors!

I hope it's okay for me to stick my nose in here and hijack, but I have to agree.
I presented to ED for my 12 wk loss, basically covered in blood and scared stupid, and the nurse said: "well, what are you crying for?"
I can only imagine the pain/damage that she could have caused a Mama with a later loss with her *insensitivity*. Not to mention what DP would have done to her if he was in the room at the time. (I wish he had have been!!)

I have also felt pulled to try to do something to make a difference for women experiencing loss, but I wouldn't know where to begin. Good on you ecstaticmama24.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I gave birth in the L&D but that was extremely difficult knowing that I was going to go in and give birth to a dead baby. It was the night shift and the nurses were young and not experienced with full term losses. I only stayed about 4 hours after I gave birth to hold my baby. Then I went home. If I would have stayed I would not have wanted to be on the same floor or wings as patients with live babies.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Good for you for taking this on, mama.
I had a full-term loss and it was obvious the staff at the hospital had been trained in what to do.
The nurses and my MW brought me my baby and told me I could hold her as long as I wanted, took photos and footprints of her and clipped a lock of hair, and sent me home with a box containing the blanket she'd be wrapped in and the same things the mother of a living baby would get - the crib card, her little hospital bracelet, etc.
They let my stay in the birthing suite overnight instead of moving me to another room. It was good not to have to move but I didn't know at the time that the chimes we kept hearing all night was the sound of healthy babies being born...
We saw a social worker before we left - she came in early so we could leave at the crack of dawn - but she was basically just asking us if we had supportive friends and family to help us or if we needed to hook up with a counsellor.
Yes, the OBs were CRAP







but all the nurses and my MW were quite good that day and I'm glad I didn't have to endure some of the insensitivity other mamas here have experienced.


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

My sister is a nurse and she says that they put falling autumn leaves on the doors of the women who've gone through a still birth. I think that's so awesome!

Myself... I kind of overlooked it by now... I got over it I guess... but in the ER, I was actually in the same wing as someone who had brought their baby in. It was awfully heart-wrenching to hear a baby cry as I knew my baby had died. All of the doctors, nurses, transporters, techs, etc were REALLY great... it was a Catholic hospital so they respected it as a life that was lost.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I suffered a full term loss.

I was put in a quiet area of the hospital where there were no other patients at the time of my labor and delivery. I do believe that another family was put down there while I was there, but they were expecting to either have a full term loss or their baby die shortly after birth. So, technically there were two of us.

It was possible I would need a c/s. I was given the choice of remaining two days PP in the PP area or in the regular hospital area.

I did manage a vaginal delivery, and was released about 6 hours PP from the same room I birthed in.

We have a large hospital, so they sometimes have rooms that are not in use in certain areas, so they do try to put their loss patients in a quiet area where they will not be disturbed.


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## mamabuck (Jul 16, 2009)

I had a loss at 30 weeks due to "cord accident," baby was healthy as was I, it was my third pregnancy, third child to be, I'd never had any miscarriages before. The hospital where I delivered was fully prepared for a stillborn/loss of a pregnancy close to term. I had a c-section due to to prior sections. All of the nurses were compassionate and thorough. They put me on a different floor for postpartum. The only complaint I have is that it was a horrible situation and I saw many families celebrating on my floor for births and even heard babies cry before I was wheeled into the OR. They put a note on my door, and instead of congratulations I got looks of horror and sadness and shame from other patients and family members. I also feel that I wish I'd had a nurse or hosp. chaplain visit me and let me know that they too experienced this, someone who could look at me with with sadness and compassion. It is my hope that when something like this happens, there is a counselor or trained nurse who perhaps has been through a similar experience to help the grieving parents during the initial stages of a stillbirth.
One of my most profound memories of that horrific time is that of my doctor asking me if I had ever needed to be on anti-depressants and she said through tears that she was so sorry and that she had been through stillbirths before in her practice about ten times, and it makes her job very sad. I really appreciated her honesty. thanks for bringing this up.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

Thanks for asking about this...wow...I think there's a lot hospitals and staff could learn and I remember at the time thinking through my haze of grief, "Someone should tell them about this etc." but I was so completely shell shocked by what happened (as many of you can unfortunately appreciate) that I never got around to it.

I lost my daughter at 40 weeks in Alberta, Canada. My midwife had come to the house to do a regular prenatal check and she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, so we went to the closest hospital. After the u/s confirmed our daughter's death, we were sent up to L&D to be induced at our request. We were put into a room they keep aside for "cases like ours" and one of their nurses who had just done special training in perinatal loss was assigned to us. I wish all nurses could have this training, not just one nurse on the floor.

I can't really complain about the care we received. The nurses, for the most part, were kind and compassionate. We brought in food. I could have whatever meds I wanted (eventually I consented to some demerol...I never did get an epi). We had visitors in well past visiting hours. Our daughter was born at 11:57pm, so knowing this would be the only time family and friends would see her, the staff cut us a lot of slack. They even let us burn sweetgrass in the room when you know how hospitals feel about open flames...LOL.

Being in L&D just sucked. There is no other way to describe waking up to the sound of babies crying while yours is "downstairs" (the polite way to put it). We'd see happy people walking by our door with balloons and gifts...I would have given anything to be in some other part of the hospital. I don't think anywhere would make the experience better, but having others' joy so blatantly all around me was...well beyond words.

The staff took photos (sadly, not a digital camera and many of them were out of focus...heartbreaking), did plaster casts, footprints on a card and we got to keep the measuring tape, blankets etc. A social worker came in with "When Hello Means Goodbye" and her card. And she called the local funeral home that offered services free of charge to people in our circumstances. I wish staff had more of a checklist to advise us...you might want to do this etc. We had obviously never been through this before, so we had no idea what to expect and what we could do. I would have liked to have had better photos done, or at least ones where I wasn't in a hospital gown.

We went home around noon the next day with a memory box and that was it. Nothing was the same after that.

So, yeah, more training for all L&D nurses. I think this would help not only with perinatal loss, but with those of us who then went through subsequent deliveries as scared and panicked as all get out. Trained and compassionate nurses would help a lot. Supplies...every unit needs them for the parents who don't have a camera etc. We didn't bring ours...we didn't even pack a bag. We had just rushed to the hospital. A room far away from L&D would be good or at least soundproofed or add wind chimes whatever...and a checklist of options for parents to consider...that kind of thing. It all happened so fast with us. I wish we could have taken more time with our daughter and got more photos with her, brought items from home etc.


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## zejh (Jan 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *japonica* 
...
So, yeah, more training for all L&D nurses. I think this would help not only with perinatal loss, but with those of us who then went through subsequent deliveries as scared and panicked as all get out. Trained and compassionate nurses would help a lot. Supplies...every unit needs them for the parents who don't have a camera etc. We didn't bring ours...we didn't even pack a bag. We had just rushed to the hospital. A room far away from L&D would be good or at least soundproofed or add wind chimes whatever...and a checklist of options for parents to consider...that kind of thing. It all happened so fast with us. I wish we could have taken more time with our daughter and got more photos with her, brought items from home etc.

I definitely agree on the camera. The nicu had a digital camera they let us use and printed out photos for us--none of us (my mom, husband, and I) had remembered to bring a real camera, just cell phones, since when we went into the hospital, we didn't really think through that it might be it. I haven't looked at the photos yet, but it's nice to know they're there.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Thank you so much everyone for sharing... seriously, it's important to know what mother's need and appreciate and also what they really really did not like. I am like many of you in the aspect that I would not want to be on the PP unit, but I have not had a stillborn. Even with my miscarriage though, I'm drawn to just make things better... for everyone, moms experiencing miscarriage and stillbirth.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *japonica* 
I lost my daughter at 40 weeks in Alberta, Canada.

Do you mind sharing what hospital? I am in Alberta as well, I find that it varies greatly between areas. For instance, Calgary and Lethbridge are eons apart in how they provide health care, period. In Calgary you will leave the hospital with an information package after a miscarriage... in Lethbridge they pretty much send you on your way with nothing.. it's sad.

One of the things I'm looking in to is care packages, and a disposable camera is definitely on the list of things to include.

Again, thank you so much everyone... I have been reading all of your stories, reflecting on them and will use your tips and ideas to hopefully make things better for one small corner of the world... It'll take time, but I'm a pretty dedicated person.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ecstaticmama24* 
Thank you so much everyone for sharing... seriously, it's important to know what mother's need and appreciate and also what they really really did not like. I am like many of you in the aspect that I would not want to be on the PP unit, but I have not had a stillborn. Even with my miscarriage though, I'm drawn to just make things better... for everyone, moms experiencing miscarriage and stillbirth.

Do you mind sharing what hospital? I am in Alberta as well, I find that it varies greatly between areas. For instance, Calgary and Lethbridge are eons apart in how they provide health care, period. In Calgary you will leave the hospital with an information package after a miscarriage... in Lethbridge they pretty much send you on your way with nothing.. it's sad.

One of the things I'm looking in to is care packages, and a disposable camera is definitely on the list of things to include.

Again, thank you so much everyone... I have been reading all of your stories, reflecting on them and will use your tips and ideas to hopefully make things better for one small corner of the world... It'll take time, but I'm a pretty dedicated person.

Thanks for your efforts. If it helps someone in the future, then it is so worth it.

I've often thought too that the hospital should hand out an info package for family members and friends (who were there at the hospital obviously, not just acquaintances). Something along the lines of "Ways to Support the Family" and "How to Acknowledge the Baby" (I know the local baby loss group in my old city had a sheet along these lines..). Extended family always asks, "Well, what can we do to help?" I know in our case, we were too distraught and too polite to ask people, can you bring us dinners over because Dad is running around making arrangements and Mom is crying in the other room and won't come out...that kind of thing...

Oh and I PM'ed you the name of the hospital. Thanks again.


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