# friend's new baby died, I'm pregnant... What to do?



## mommyto2 (Nov 16, 2004)

Please forgive me. I know you all had losses & I do not want to make anything difficult for you... I had a m/c at 14 wks, but am now 6 wks from due date... My question is what to do for this wonderful woman who lost her baby after 20+ years of trying to conceive. She & her husband finally conceived, carried, then gave birth. Three weeks later the baby died (after many surgeries, etc). I was out of town for the funeral, but dh went. I couldn't have handled it anyway. I have not called or seen this woman since she lost her son. I think about her daily & cry often for her. I pray for her, but do not know if avoiding her is appropriate. I hear that she is not doing well & I am terrified that me being pregnant with my second will put her over the edge. She lost her one & only child & may never have a chance to have another. She is in her mid-40s & it took so long for them to conceive...

Please tell me what you would want. I care for this couple. (My dh is their chiropractor. They have been patients for many years. He still sees the husband.) I want her to know I am thinking of her, but can add no pain to her just so I feel better.

It has been since late October. I am crying as I write this. I am not sure I will be of help to her if I cry when I see her...

Please help me understand what I can do to help her.


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## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

I haven't ever lost a child, but I can only imagine the pain ):
I don't think you should ignore the lady, a well written card may be a very nice touch without having to deal with the awkwardness of your pregnancy. She may feel comforted you are thinking of her. Everything I've read says not to avoid a woman who has suffered a loss. They need comfort. I'm so sorry for her and for your family as well.


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## thepeach80 (Mar 16, 2004)

I think a card is appropriate to let her know she is in your thoughts and then just follow her lead. We had friends who lost their 3 mos old to SIDS and he was buried the day Evan was born. We found out that weekend before and I too knew I wouldn't go b/c it would be hard on me and I was worried about her feelings, I wouldn't have made the funeral anyway. She came and saw me in the hospital! I couldn't believe she was there, but that helped her. To see new life and to be w/ someone to talk about her ds and the memories she had of him.


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

Honestly I think a card would be best but what I think would be even better is if some of the moms around here that have lost a baby after birth could give you some thoughts. Everyone is individual and it is kind of you to be thinkingof her and not wanting to hurt her anymore. Good luck. She and her family will be in my thoughts.







s


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

A letter or card for now. After the baby is born , visit her without your baby and sit with her and let her her cry or whatever. Eventually, she will want to meet your baby, but be prepared for a quick exit in case she " breaks down".

I lost my first. The ladies in my childbirth class were kind enough to see me and let me see their babies, when I was ready. It was awkward but helped with the healing process.


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## edamommy (Apr 6, 2004)

I agree w/ the card idea. It's not too late!

That said, my best friend has been trying to conceive for many many years. She has good days and bad days and I let her have them. She knows that my son is our blessing but there are days when she just doesn't want to see him for her own reasons and I need to respect that. It's unsaid. Sometimes she doesn't want to visit with us and I don't ask for a reason. I just know. Other times she goes out of her way to bring him something or visit with him. I guess what I'm saying is that you just need to respect however she needs to deal w/ her situation and you being pregnant!


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## Linayra (Jan 31, 2005)

Hey guys,

Just wanting to put my 2 cents in, Death is a very sad and emotional time for everyone, not only for the mother that lost her precious child, but also the hubby or family too! My personal experience is you need all the support you can get. Don't avoid her, maybe buy her some flowers to show that you were thinking of her etc. Not a good idea to bring up the subject as she still might be emotional on the inside but seem fine on the outside. I hope that she dose concieve again, my prayers and thoughts are with her too! As a mum I know what blessings come from having children.

I'm only a young mum 23 years old, fell pregnant with my daughter @ 18 due to rape, though my religon up bringing dose not agree with abortion (each to their own) Have never regreted having her, haven't thought about her "sperm donor" either! I'm doing a great job on my own and shes happy as!

Anyways getting off the subject...I fell pregnant with my son 2003, Ethan was 3 weeks early emergency c section due to doctors stuff up nearly causing my sons life...he was in special care nursery for 8 days and i wasn't aloud to hold him in these 8 days so i was very emotional, the oxygen was as high up as it could go..nothing else the doctors could do! Through prayer and hope my son would make it he pulled through and I took him home a week after he recovered...

My daughter loved having a new brother and I couldn't be prouder, 11th June 2003 at 4 am in the morning my world was tipped upside down, I woke up to feed my son..due to my horror my son had passed in his sleep (SIDS) the horror i am still living today is the worst experience of my life, not only for me but my 2 yr old daughter that was in the room watching me resusate my baby boy and i'll never forget the look on her face.

I never cried at his funeral, nor when I found him! 2 years later I find it harder now to except that hes gone then when it actually happened!
Moral of the story is don't let her bottle it up, can only get worse, not much else you can do but show her that you care!
Thanks all for listening, and I hope everything works out for the both of them xxx many blessings

p.s congrats on your bubba hope labour goes well!


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## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

Linayra


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Quote:

Not a good idea to bring up the subject as she still might be emotional on the inside but seem fine on the outside.
Having suffered the loss of my daughter at birth i have to disagree 100% with this statement. One of the worst parts about grieving for me and for lots of others is that people tend to ignore what happened and not bring it up because they don't want to upset you. It is my experience that these people, while well intentioned, are trying to protect themselves more than the grieving person. Chances are this woman thinks about her lost baby most of the time and would love to talk about him or her. She needs to have her motherhood acknowledged and she most likely needs to talk about her feelings. I am deeply grateful to the few people in my life who are not afraid to talk about my daughter. I especially appreciate it when someone else brings up the subject because i feel like they really want to know about her rather than are tolerating me talking and don't really care or are uncomfortable.
I don't know how close you are to this woman but it sounds like you are quite touched by her loss and want to reach out to her. Go for it. I agree that a nice, honest card that perhaps includes your concerns about you being pregnant would be a nice start. She may not want to see you in person and may not want to see your baby when its born but she might want to talk to you. A phone call would probably be really appreciated and you could go from there and see how she feels. My SIL had a baby 2 weeks before my daughter died and while it has been and is hard to see her with her baby, i still enjoy her friendship and am glad that she didn't avoid me for fear of hurting me.

Bottomline: losing a baby is among the most painful experiences in the world so nothing you say is going to upset this woman much more than she already is so you might as well take the risk. There is a sticky at the top of this forum with resources for friend's/relatives you might want to check it out.

I am sorry that this post might seem a bit harsh and i don't mean to offend anyone. I just thought i'd give as honest an answer as possible. I understand that everyone has the best intentions around grieving people but often don't know what to do.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

I couldn't agree with berekelyp more! To know someone is grieving with you and not just feeling sorry for you....is the best thing you can give to a grieving mother.

Please realize that your pregnancy does make things a little more complicated. My really dear close friend was due 5 days after my son's due date, however, my son died during my 27th week. I couldn't see her pregnant belly or hear about the latest pregnancy symptom she was dealing with but our many phone conversations during those few months were very important to me. She understood that I needed to be selfish and not be joyful for her (she went to other friends for excitement) and just spent time comforting me. I have only seen her daughter a handful of times and some days are easier than others but I've never once felt she has held this against me. Knowing that, has actually helped me to be more comfortable hearing her horror stories of her daughter not sleeping through the night. It just took time.

Given this, I would suggest a phone call. Some women are able to deal with babies faster and she will let you know what she is comfortable with. Just realize that she is probably terrified of hurting the people who have not avoided her. So if she's anything like me, then she'll feel bad having to ask for you to leave your baby at home to visit...offer this as an option before she has to ask. She can then let you know where her comfort level is.


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## apcanadianmamma (Sep 30, 2004)

I agree with berkeleyp as well.

I think you are in a hard situation. I lost my son in March 2001. He was my first and we lost him at birth. My next door neighbour was pregnant at the time. She avoided me like the plague. Now while I really didn't want to have her pregnancy and birth of her (what turned out to be son) in my face all the time I think it hurt even more that she avoided me so completely. That rift has never been bridged to this day (esp. since I have gone on to have two more children so of course my first has been forgotten by them) I think maybe a phone call or a card would be nice. Please don't think that you can't talk about her baby. Nothing is more painful than when people ignore the loss of a baby - I still experience this and four years later it still hurts.

I can't comment on your friends possibly inability to have more children - I cannot even begin to imagine how painful that would be. I will say though that I don't think it will hurt if you cry when you eventually see her. I know when people cried after my son died it touched me because it meant that he mattered to them and that his death affected them.

Hugs to you and your friend.


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