# It's been two years today...



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

...since we lost our daughter Xiola at birth. She was born at 12:58 AM and declared at 1:14. I didn't realize when they were working on her that there was something wrong, I thought she was just hard to start... was I ever wrong.

The 15th was so hard... watching the hours, knowing this is when I called Mike at work... this is when we left for the hospital... this is when my water broke... this is when I was insisting something was wrong... this is when my doctor finally came in, 4 hours later... this is when she was born... this is when they pronounced her... this is when Mike started freaking out... this is when they finally handed me my baby, and she wasn't moving.

She was so sweet, so perfect... but she wasn't moving.

I just miss her so much. When I am out shopping for baby clothes, I always find the cutest things in the size she'd be wearing. I always feel like there is someone missing. Most days her actual birth and death seem like a distant memory, perhaps a too-vivid worst-case scenario that I dreamed up one lonely night. Something that awful could never have happened to us, we did everything right... right? But some days- like today- it stares me in the face and sends me to my knees. Today when I close my eyes I am right there again, when it hurts to even breathe...

In the time since her birth and death, I have scoured her files, looking for anything that could help me understand what had happened. Even as the nurses told me she was fine, they noted less then optimal FHTs in her chart. So many mistakes were made that could have easily been avoided. When Ezra was born at home last May, his birth answered remaining questions. Having those answers has been such a comfort... except right now. Right now, I don't care what happened. I just want to hold my daughter... and I know that will never happen again in this life, and it just breaks my heart.

Ezra brings me so much joy, but he is not a replacement for his sister. They should both be in my arms right now. I will always have one less child then I should.

If there is one thing that does give me comfort, it is that I have decided to study to become a midwife. I had felt in my bones when I was pregnant with Xiola that I _needed_ a midwife to avoid a bad outcome, but I could not find one who would take me (borderline bp and a misalligned pelvis from a car accident... I pushed dd out in 15m). I am convinced that a MW would have not only caught her distress earlier, but _listened to me_ when I insisted something was wrong. I want to be able to give other families the kind of care that we had wanted for Xiola. We had a midwife for Ezra, who made a huge difference in his pregnancy and birth (homebirth, 23 minute 2nd stage, and born in the caul).

I think that doing what I can to make birth a better and safer experience for others would be a fitting tribute to my daughter and the lessons I have learned from being a part of her life... I just can't bear to think that she lived her short life in vain. Something positive needs to come of this. I have a lot more work to do emotionally, but if I start now then by the time Ezra and #3 are older then I will be ready to practice.

Pisces is the final sign in the karmac wheel of the Zodiac... it is entirely possible that the 41 weeks we had with her was all that she needed to complete her work here. While I wish she could have stayed here with us longer, it was an honor to have shared with her the time that we had.

Xiola's Mama


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Happy birthday Xiola









I'm sorry the day wasn't filled with cake and toddler running about giggling and being silly.

You've come full circle in the two years since you lost Xiola. Here you are the mother of a healthy baby. You're watching him grow and thrive. Sometimes this can be so sad as you wonder who Xiola would be and you're filled with sadness at not having that chance with her.

So much more I want to say XM, but I'm off to school now. I'll be back later to respond more









Thinking of you and your precious family today.


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## darlindeliasmom (Nov 19, 2001)

wishing you blessings on Xiola's birthday.

Thanks so much for privileging us with her...she is truly loved in this community.

Mary


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## schatz (May 6, 2003)

dear xm -

I can only imagine your heartache on this special day and my heart goes out to you.

It is so strange that we have no answers for why babies like mine can come early and be fine but your precious dd became an angel. Hugs to you and may you find joy in your son and strength for your new journey.








~Hope


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## sweetc (Aug 12, 2003)

Happy Birthday, Xiola.

XM, your post has me in tears. I will be thinking about you and your sweet angel girl today.

Peace,
Christine


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

Gosh, XM, I remember that...









I hope her birthdays are special to you in good ways too...


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

((((XM)))) ((((Xiola))))


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I feel your pain and thankyou for sharing it with us. Loss of a child whether early or late is such a lonely thing, in spite of having a wonderful support circle in real life, I tend to move among them thinking that they really have NO idea what happens in my head and my heart. In reading your feelings and thoughts and those of others I know I'm not alone and have the courage to try again.
Happy Birthday Xiola may your memory live forever.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

(((((((XM)))))))

I am so sorry for your pain but I do applaud you for considering midwifery, I am certain many women would benefit from your experience and kindness.










I hope your day will be extra gentle and easy on you.


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## alsoSarah (Apr 29, 2002)

Happy Birthday, Xiola.

You are much loved.


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)




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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

(((((( XM )))))))

Sending you so much love and thoughts today, mama. I have thought of you and Xiola so much in these two years. I came to MDC just at that time (lurking for a while...) and her arrival and departure are so vivid in my memory. Since that time, your love for her, your willingness to walk through each stage of your grief, and to learn from that time and allow your heart to expand from it have been amazing.

It is so apparant that you have gained a great capacity to share love after what you went thru, and that is a gift now to this community, to Ezra, to the women who you will attend to in the future if you become a midwife. Surely this love in your heart is a gift of Xiola's presence in the world.

Take it easy today.









love, mb


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

XM I very clearly remember you early days here. You were so full of anger and sadness. To be honest you frightened me and I worried for you a great deal. I prayed for you. You have come such a long, long way. I've never been happier for anyone than when you had your wonderful homebirth. I think this midwifery decision is amazing, powerful, awsome. It is a fitting tribute to your beloved daughter. I am glad you posted this. Xiola deserves to be mourned, by you and by all of us.


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## crazy_eights (Nov 22, 2001)




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## veganmamma (Sep 10, 2002)

XM, I think of Xiola so often. Your pain and anger, your sorrow and even joy have touched me in so many ways. In every circle I particiapte in with other birth professionals and students, I share her story. Yesterday I was at a study group and talked about you and her and your experience. I still have tears for you, and tears for Xiola. I find myself holding my dd and squeezing her tight when I think of you both, then I cry because she is in my arms to be squeezed. It is so incredibly unfair, sometimes I feel like a child inside, jumping up and down screaming when I think of it. It feels like there isn't a heart big enough in the world to contain the sorrow that stems from the birth and death of Xiola. As I sit here in tears once again, I know there will never be the right words to say. Please know that out here in CA, and all over MDC-land, there is enough love to wrap around you a thousand fold. I am so glad you are here to teach me and to be in my life. Thank you for sharing your sweet little girl with me.
Lauren


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## starfairy (Apr 3, 2003)

(((HUGS)))


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

XM, I am so very sorry for your heartache.

I recently did my labor and delivery rotation for the BSN program i am in (i am already an ER nurse), and i thought of you and Xiola, the moment i stepped onto the unit. Your story, your daughters life, has impacted me in a way you cant quite imagine. I am a better nurse because of her, and you.

I think your midwife ambition is a noble one. I am sure you will save another mom the haertbreak you have experienced.

Blessings to you and yours on this day.

Lisa


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Happy Birthday Xiola!! ((XM))


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

There really are no words. I wish you peace and comfort on this journey. Xiola is so very loved by you and by those of us who don't even "know" you. I try to think of all the angels that are floating around us on this board during my daily meditations.

It's so wonderful that you plan to become a midwife. You will have such compassion and care for women- not every m/w or birth professional will be able to have a depth of understanding that you will, esp when faced with tragic stories...

Is there anything you want to share about Xiola's life with us? I hate the fact that if I talk about my son's life, I have to always talk about his death as well. What made you happy and brought you joy about her life?

We love you Xiola and we're so glad you came, even if for a short time.

(((((HUGS Xiola's Mama))))


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

happy birthday xiola

big hugs for you XM, you'll be a wonderful midwife


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## gurumama (Oct 6, 2002)

XM,

I'm nursing and typing at the same time and now crying as well. You are an amazing, courageous mama. My Reilly is 16 days younger than Xiola, and when I joined here I remember reading your posts and being so amazed by your ability to feel and express and to do the deep, hard work it takes to be emotionally present and to be *real*. When I read your posts about Xiola I appreciate my son all the more, and I wish Xiola were with you. We all do.








s

Mel


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

Happy Birthday Xiola!








XM!! You have been in my thoughts and prayers these last few days and will continue to be. I started crying the first sentence. I can relive your pain through your excellent ablity to share. I know NOTHING will ever take away your pain over Xiola's brief life. Your decision to become a midwife is an excellent one....all future mom's and babies will be blessed to have such a wonderful midwife as you.

Once again...many hugs, kisses, and prayers.


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## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

Hugs to you, mama, and your sweet Xiola


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

XM, i'm certain you'll be a wonderful midwife, because i've seen the compassion and thought you've put into your responses on this forum. to be able to take the life and death of your beloved daughter, and use those lessons to grow and become an important part of your community... what a gift she has given to you, and to your future clients. and how wise you are to accept that gift!

i've been watching this date approach, and i'd hoped you'd post here so we could celebrate Xiola's short but powerful life with you. thank you so much for keeping her memory's flame alive... she is so fortunate to have such a loving, passionate, strong mama!

in peace,

katje


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## sunbaby (Sep 30, 2002)

happy birthday xiola. thankyou for the gift of your presence in this world, even though your stay was brief. thankyou for what you have brought to the world, although we may never know for sure exactly all the gifts you brought, we know they are many. thankyou xiola's momma for bringing xiola into the world, and for sharing her with us. hugs to you on this difficult day.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Oh, XM, I will always remember how you reached out to me. I was just a few months behind you, and yet you managed to share your strength with me. Thank you for sharing this day here. You and Xiola have meant so much to me. Maybe all of our babies are with her, honoring this milestone...


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I will post more later, but I wanted to thank you all so much for your responses. They mean so much to us, Mike and I just read them together and it was a very powerful moment...


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## simonee (Nov 21, 2001)

XM last nite we burnt some candles outside for Xiola, and then the first warm breeze of the year blew one out. Today spring started.

It doesn't even feel weird, just powerful. I thought exactly the same thing about the karmic wheel.

I have learned more from Xiola through you than I have from most adults i've ever met.

You are always in our hearts. Love to you all.


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

Tuesday is my day to help in the daycare coop, so I couldn't get on line, but I thought about you and about Xiola several times through the day.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

Happy Birthday Xiola

((hugs)) to you on this very hard anniversary. i think you being a midwife is an excellant idea, we need more midwives out there, especially one that will listen to a mother's instinct

good luck to you

tara


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## saturnine25 (Mar 26, 2002)

XM,







for you.


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## rwikene (Jun 10, 2002)

I think of you and your family all the time, I feel as though I "know" you.

I'm sorry I missed Xiola's birthday, but I knew it was coming up and you and her have been on my mind more than ever!


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

How are you doing Xiola's Mama?
I've also wanted to ask you how you pronounce Xiola. It's such a pretty name! What does it mean?


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Better, much better. I always feel better once the day has passed.

Xiola is pronounced zy-O-luh... MIL found a website that said it meant 'dreamer'... for us, it was a nod to Three Days, the song Perry Farrell wrote for his late wife, Xiola Blue.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Dear XM,
As a grieving mother of a newborn, I know that one of the trials is making sure our little one has not been forgotten, and I can assur eyou that your dear sweet Xiola Rose has not been forgotten. Her spirit has touched so many lives in such a beautiful way. And you as her Mama have brought hope and compassion to just as many of us. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, not just one day a year but 365 days.
Gossamer


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