# Just lost baby at 27 weeks...Need help.



## Robbiesapmomma (Jan 25, 2005)

I just returned from the hospital 2 days ago. I lost my daughter at 27 weeks, due to a knot in her tube that wrapped around her neck. I am so devestated, I don't know what to do. I held her the entire time I was in the hospital. I have a 2 year old son, so I am managing to get out of bed. I have also contacted milk banks to donate my milk, maybe that would make me feel better some good coming out of this tragedy. I have a history of depression and anxiety and feel that I have post-partum depression as well. I don't know where to turn to, my extended family is sad, but moving on. I don't think I ever could. She is still my daughter and will always be. Any suggestions or resources that I could contact for help. Thank you and God Bless.

Jennifer - Mom to Robbie (9/25/02) and Angel Adrianna Mae


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## crunchy_mama (Oct 11, 2004)

I just wanted to give you a big







: I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. I don't personally know of any resources, so I hope others can chime in- does the hospital, or any local churces have support groups?


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## sahmof2girls (Feb 9, 2005)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss!!!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) I know of a wesite where you can make a memorial for your little angel. it is www.babybreathmemorials.com. It might help to find A support group in your area. I'm sorry once again

Megan


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## MamaE (May 1, 2004)

Just chiming in with a hug.


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## underthebluerug (Jan 26, 2004)

Oh Jennifer, I am so very sad to hear this. You must be experiencing such deep, deep sorrow. You are an angel yourself for thinking of others right now in looking at donating your milk. May it be one of the things that brings you comfort. I'm glad to hear you are feeling able to get out of bed and care for Robbie. Keep it up; you must have so much strength in you.

It's so good that you've posted; you'll find lots of (appropriate) support at MDC.







(Being told that you should move on is *not* support!!) I hope you will continue to post as you move through your sorrow and struggles to carry on after what's happened. And I hope you will be in a space that allows you to take all the time you need to grieve.

I wish I could come over and offer you a listening ear and much-deserved TLC, along with some ready-made meals and help with your son and household. Being able to talk is vital. Who is there in your midst who is a good, supportive listener, and who understands the kind of grief you are going through? If there is someone, I hope you will reach out if and when you feel ready. Please be very gentle with yourself.

We are all thinking of you, mama.


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## Robbiesapmomma (Jan 25, 2005)

Last night, around 2 in the morning, I started walking to the funeral home where my daughter is so I can hold her and give her some blankets. I walked for over 3 hours (in my pajamas and slippers) until a police officer stopped and drove me home. I am so lost and do not know what to do. My husband was asleep with my son, but I am afraid of my own lack of sanity.


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## underthebluerug (Jan 26, 2004)

Oh honey, your post just now made me cry.









What you did last night was totally understandable. I can so see myself doing exactly the same thing.

Grief like you are feeling is *not* a sane thing, and we will do things like this in our bewilderment and in our helplessness.









Still, I would like to know that you are seeking professional help and support. I have *no doubt* that you are suffering PPD, and you need care. Could you begin by making an appointment to see your family doctor ASAP? It is urgent that you speak with someone.

Many, many hugs, mama---and here's a warm coat over your shoulders and an arm around you for the helpless walking toward your daughter that you may continue to do in your weary mind.


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## stirringleaf (Mar 16, 2002)

i am so sorry.

i think i may have done the same thing. i agree that you should definatly allow yourself to be sad, but that you shoud reach out for help in this time of need.

i suffered from ppd . but honestly i cant imagine a single person on this earth not going a little "crazy" after losing a baby. i think you are normal. but everyone needs help at times like that, so dont consider yourself "weak" or anything when you are asking for the help you deserve and need. you will find alot of support here , but i second that you need real life help as well but keep posting here. these mamas really helped me when i was suffering from PPD

thinking of you and your little one


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Robbiesapmomma, I'm so sorry for your loss of Adrianna Mae. This is such a hard thing to live through, and I'm sure some craziness is what saves us from suffering too intensely.

Please, listen carefully to your soul, be good to yourself and ask for other's help. Many people around you probably have no idea what you are going through, however. It is so hard to deal with the ignorance sometimes, and it can be such a lonely, lonely time.

This board can be a wonderful support, so please come here often. In the forum 'Pregnancy and Birth Loss' you can read accounts from women who have suffered the loss of a baby. This might give you some comfort, and might help you on your own journey.

It is so hard, but please hang in there.








Beate


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## ryleeee (Feb 9, 2005)

awww...i'm SO sorry for your loss.
i know it's something we all dread and pray never happens... i can't even begin to imagine what you are going through/feeling.


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## EllasMama (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss. Anytime I hear of something so awful, the child's voice inside my soul screams, "It's just not fair!" I feel like I have nothing substantial to offer you, but I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending you hugs and thoughts.

I think your health care practicioner could help you a lot at this time, with referrals or medicine or whatever you need to help you cope.

Don't be afraid to accept help from those who offer it, and don't be afraid to ask for it from friends and family, either. It would be great if you had one person you trust who you could call and say, "Please, arrange for some help for me. I can't make the calls myself - it's just too hard right now. I really need you to do this for me."

May your tears flow for as long as they need to, and may those around you surround you with their strength and love.

Warmly,
Carol


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## bubbles (Jul 26, 2002)

I am thinking of you too. I hope you can find the comfort you need. Please, please seek some professional help to get you through this. I am concerned for your safety and hope that you can find someone to help you through this. Please keep us posted.


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## vanilla (Aug 11, 2004)

I am so sorry, mama. She was a little person, so tiny....I agree, just keep talking about her, and yourself, how you're doing. We will listen. I'm sure it's extra hard for you, with a little toddler to take care of. (((HUGS))). There are other mamas here who have had serious losses, and it is so heartbreaking. I hope you find comfort.


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

My heart goes out to you and your family. I can't imagine your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

I'm sure that Tallahassee has resources for you. If you can't find the strength to search them out yourself, contact you doctor/midwife or any psychiatrists office (you don't have to be a patient) and tell them your situation and ask for referrals to resources that can help. I'm sure that there are grief support groups for people who have lost children. They will be able to help you in ways that we here can't.

While I admire your desire to pump and donate to a milk bank, you have to care for yourself and your family first. I'm not sure if I would able to heal if I were pumping milk that was meant for my precious child several times a day to give to someone else. It would be a constant, tangeble reminder of what I had lost. If it helps you to heal, by all means, do it. But if you find that it makes things harder, don't feel that you should be doing it to help others. You need to help yourself.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

Jennifer, I am so sorry about Adrianna. I have never felt that kind of loss but I have to say, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

I think visiting a therapist would help you, and definately attend a support group for other parents who have lost children.

Hang in there, I hope you are feeling better soon!


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## AuntRayRay (Aug 18, 2004)




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## lactivist02 (Feb 6, 2005)

When I lost my 2 late M/C's (14 wks ) it was the begininng of a long journey into a very dark place. I needed help and didn't know how to get it. Everyone expected me to get over it just like they had, and I couldn't. I became obsessed w/ getting PG again even to the detriment of my other living children. I finaly found help and now I'm fine, But it was a long road.

I'm telling you this so you know there are others out there who can and want to help you. It's okay to tell someone I"m not allright, I am not OVER IT, and wont be for a long time. I want to talk about my daughter even if it makes someone uncomfortable. I need help.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Michelle mom to 5 living 3 angel babies due to Anticardiolipen Antibody Syndrome


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## pamamidwife (May 7, 2003)

- I'm so sorry for your loss, mama.


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

Just another







for you.


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## underthebluerug (Jan 26, 2004)

Jennifer---how are you doing? Let us know. ((((HUGS))))


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss.







s I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say.







You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Robbiesapmomma (Jan 25, 2005)

I am doing okay, considering. Everyone else in my family seems to be moving on, where as I cannot even fathom that thought. I saw a psychiatrist who is putting me on something to help with the nightmares. I have the same nightmares over and over like a movie in my head. Adrianna had a 'true knot' in her cord, and my nightmare is of her screaming, drowing and starving in my belly and me oblivious to it, and then it goes to her in a refrigorator (at the funeral home) trying to get out looking for her mommy. And then I wake up, cry for an hour and fall back asleep and it happens all over again. The medicine seems to help a little bit. The psychiatrist wants to see me weekly until I find a medicine that helps a bit, although I know any drug will never take away the pain. I co-sleep with my 2 year old, when I do sleep, and that is comforting as I try to be strong for him. My dh is the type to be the hero and he has be so wonderful, but I worry about him not grieving. Thank you all so much to listening, I don't feel there is anyone else who really understands the attachment parenting bond more than everyone. I thank God for each and every one of your well wishes.


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## mommyofboy (Jan 28, 2005)

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for you. My heart aches as I read your post. Sometimes it does seem that people move on and expect you to get on w/things just like normal. The world continues to move on despite horrible events happening. It's hard....

It's normal to have some depression/anxiety after an event like this. But if it is extreme I would contact your doctor.

Also, it might be helpful to get involved in a support group with other families that have lost babies. Might help you feel not so alone in your feelings.

I'm really sorry about your loss. I wish your family the best as you go thru this difficult time.


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## underthebluerug (Jan 26, 2004)

Oh Jennifer, what a terrible nightmare to be having over and over.







It must be exhausting for you emotionally... and physically. I know firsthand about post-trauma recurring nightmares, and I know how real they seem at the time, how wrecked you feel after having them, and how your relationship with sleep changes. My heart goes out to you. Please know that they do recede with time, as you heal, but it takes a while. The loss will indeed always be with you, but the desire and strength to live fully again does return too, in time. Not just for your son and husband either, but for yourself. One just has to hold on until then. Of course you do not feel ready to move ahead right now. How could you?









I don't know if this will be of any use to you, but one thing that helped me with my period of nightmares (besides sleeping with a soft lamp on and buying all-new bedding and later room decor) was to indulge all of my senses. I started taking scented bubble baths, I wore the cuddliest clothes and kept soothing music going. I went to the Body Shop and bought products in scents that appealed to me, and used those products every day, and when recovering from every recurrence of the dream. I even bought fine chocolates and nibbled them. When I couldn't stand to live inside my own head, in the torture that was my thoughts, I read novels or watched a video (screened for subject matter, of course). And I started going for weekly massages to a woman who specialized in bodywork for women who had suffered trauma. It all helped tremendously.

I'm so glad to hear that your other little sweetie is there warm in bed beside you, and that your husband is supportive. I'm sure he's grieving in his own way, but I bet it would help you to see it and share in it. So many men don't seem to realize that by showing us their own tears, they are relieving us of part of our load!

So good to hear that you're seeing a doctor, too. I hope the meds will soothe your pain and help you to keep feeling in control, and that you use them as long as you feel you need them. They helped me too.

Do continue being so very tender and gentle with yourself, and write again if you feel up to it.


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## Seeking Refuge (Nov 2, 2002)

I just wanted to add my







to the list.
There are no words to describe how sorry I am for your loss.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Robbiesapmomma, I'm so glad to hear from you, I had been sending you healing thoughts and wondering about how you were carrying on.
I cannot think about anything else to write, especially after the beautiful words posted by underthebluerug.
What amazing women we have on this board, and how healing words from strangers can be.

Much love to all of you!
Beate


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## simonee (Nov 21, 2001)

Oh Jennifer I am so so sorry









That nightmare is something awful







Does your dh know what you're going through? Please don't let your environment decide what's best for you now, only you know.

Again, so terribly sorry


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## stirringleaf (Mar 16, 2002)

robbiesmama i think that feeling, and occurance, of everyone seeming to move on but you is a common one, i have hard about it before. i am no expert but i am just saying i think it is an aspect of it that must be really hard to grapple with. there is a poem by Robert Frost where the husband and wife are arguing over this very issue. it is from the husbands perspective though, so i think you are supposed to relate to his way of coping., but when i read it i related to the woman. she is extremely angry with him for seeming to take the loss lightly becasue he just wants to move on. mothers dont operate that way though. anyway i am telling you this only in hopes it is a tiny bit helpful i am sure there isnt much right now that can ease any of the pain..but if anything just know i post cuz i care, i am not trying to say i know what you are going through.

people just dont know how to deal with such pain and tragedy and they react in all kinds of ways. it is likely they just dont want to see you so distrought . but you have every right to be , absolutly. i am just saying they may be trying to be strong for you and that is not helpful at this point but thats likely what they are trying to do. i am glad you are seeing someone and getting that kind of space to help youwork through it. i am SO SORRY about your loss and your nightmares too. keep posting here we all support you!


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## lisajulia (Aug 9, 2003)

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost my little boy, Frederick Nathaniel during birth.
I relate to your nightmares, your feelings of loss. I think you made a good choice in seeking help. I lost my son a few days before Christmas, 2003 and I still see my grief therapist, as does my husband.
The sting from the pain lessens in time but sometimes the hardest thing to handle is the way 'life' and everyone else around you seems to go on, without care...it's like sometimes you want to scream "don't you know my baby died!?"
Please feel free to PM or email me. You may also wish to do a search on yahoo groups to find support groups for parents who have lost a child. There is a 'Christian' one for parents who lost a baby late term to full term, but if a Christian slant is not for you, there are others as well.
I will be thinking of you and your family...oh...a nurse in the hospital gave me this piece of advice and it has served me well..."it's okay to feel depressed and sad and angry..but don't ever dig a hole of despair so deep that you can't climb out." I have found that when I was at my darkest moment, this advice kind of brought me back to earth so to speak.
Please also know that your daughter's spirit is as close as your own heart...sometimes it even helps if I put my hand over my heart...because I know my heart and my son's can't even be separated by death...he lives there forever.
I guess that's all for now, but please know we care xo
Lisa


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## intentfulady (Dec 31, 2003)

There is a hurt little girl inside you, can you take some of the love you have to shower your darling daughter with and love yourself with it for awhile?

You have so much love inside. You deserve it too.
Hugs
Colleen


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## 5796 (Oct 19, 2002)

I am so sorry. Gosh, I read your post and I just feel my own heart ache.

take good care of yourself. Be patient with you and make sure you are supported in tenderness.......

here is a little link to some natural supplements to help with depression.

http://www.pregnancyrecovery.com/program.cfm

they helped me tremendously.

hugs


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## OwensMa (Apr 15, 2004)




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## Kindermama (Nov 29, 2004)

just found this post. how are you doing? you haven't posted in a while.

my heart aches for you. i'm so sorry your baby girl died. i hope that you feel her presence and find peace there.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh Jennifer...my heart breaks for you in the loss of your Adrianna. I do hope you can find a good greif counselor. This is such a hard, hard road.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

I can't imagine going through this.. My thoughts are with you.. please take care


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## pfamilygal (Feb 28, 2005)

Oh, precious. I am so sorry. I have nothing to offer except (((hugs))) and my prayers. May G-d Himself hold you close.

My husband did not understand how much my heart ached over our miscarriages until I wrote a poem. I left it on his desk and found him and hour later, crying on his keyboard.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I am sorry mama!!! Sending love and peace your way!


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## Tanibani (Nov 8, 2002)

Jennifer,







I am so sorry for your loss.


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## dallaschildren (Jun 14, 2003)

I am so so sorry Jennifer.


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## rachelle-a-tron (Apr 13, 2002)

Sending you all my love Mama.

Grief makes one do bizarre things... after my Son Carson died, I called the morgue a couple times, once to ask them to please change his diaper & another to make sure he had socks on.

Keep us posted on how you are & keep talking to us.


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