# 2.5 YO Mean to Grandmother - How to Discipline?



## alison77 (May 26, 2004)

My DS is 2.5 now and we live with my mom. My mom was babysitting him one day per week, but had to stop because of work conflicts (no idea if this is important or not, but seemed to happen around same time). He started acting mean to her I think right around then, which was back in September, but his actions have continued. He always says 'NO!' to her, doesn't want her to hug or kiss him when she comes in. He tells her that he doesn't want her to sit next to him, and he wants to hit or kick her sometimes. This is a really frustrating situation for us, because we don't want to suppress DS' emotions or anything, but on the other hand it really upsets my mom. Much of what we say is 'We don't hit Mamie!', or 'Let's me nice to Mamie'. Nothing really works though. I'm trying to figure out something because this has been going on for too long and we are at a standstill. Any advice?


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## CrazyCatLady (Aug 17, 2004)

Why is he acting this way? Is there a possibility that something was going on between the two of them when she watched him? Maybe he is mad at her for you being gone all those times that she babysat? I know the kids that I watch get mad at me when their parents come to pick them up because they remember that their parents have been gone all day, so it must be my fault. Maybe he's afraid of being left again? Just trying to help. I would keep saying "gentle, gentle to Grandma" and showing him how to be nice and not hit. The "no's, and we don't hit" stuff just seems to confuse them sometimes. It's easier to focus on what they should do, not what they shouldn't. If all else fails, have her give him space until he is ready to come around. I know she must be upset but he is to (we just don't know why). The more you force ths issue, the more he will resent her. If he's getting in trouble because of her (even if it's his fault) he will be even madder towards her. Good luck


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## CrazyCatLady (Aug 17, 2004)

Oh and tons of praise when he does anything remotely positive towards or with his Grandma. Make a huge deal out of it so he'll know that that's what you guys expect.


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## Yo Becca (Apr 17, 2005)

I'm not sure what your take is on tome out, but I would definitely respond to a 2.5 yo hitting or kicking anyone with a timeout- and I would talk to them in terms of not hitting or kicking anyone. WIth my neice about that age, SIL talked to her a lot about what it meant to be "nice" - what actions a nice person does, how she feels when people are nice to her (good) and not nice (bad), and then what she can do to be nice. THey had these conversations in the car, or when they saw an example of nice or not nice behavior on dvds or PBS, etc. Then, she used that when there were behavior issues - "Is what you did nice? DO you want to be a nice girl? What would be the nice thing to do next time, etc." If we saw negative behavior start, it was easily stopped with "I hope you are bing nice in there." or something similar, and she really understood why she was getting into trouble (meaning, separated from the situation, a discussion of the behavior and/or time out, depending on the situation).

Of course, over the top praise whenever we saw her being nice or other examples of niceness we witnessed in the world. It was very positive and taught her a good, clear standard of behavior towards others (the big concern was my DD and my nephew, bothof whom are 2 years younger than my neice and were getting snapped at and played with too rough - now MUCH improvement, as well as generally two-year old beahvior conerns, also much improved)

It is important to consider why the behavior change occured, but you may never fully understand. But you can focus on building a kind relationship b/t your mom and DS, and at least stop the violent behaviors.

I definitely wouldn't push him to hug or kiss her - he will continue to rebel. But you should model hugging and greeting her warmly, and she can tell him how much she always enjoys hugging him - in a non-pushy way - and he'll probably see that those actions are loving and fun.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Now that she is not babysitting him, do they ever have regular special alone time together?
He probably doesnt understand that she just cant sit with him anymore due to work concerns. He might feel like they had a special day together every week which has now been taken away. He might feel rejected by her. He might be angry at her for not spending extra special time with him.
Since this behavior started when she stopped babysitting him, I would assume that something about their time together was imperative to him in their relationship and now that thing is missing.
Good LUck,
Joline


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## CrazyCatLady (Aug 17, 2004)

I also thought after I posted, that maybe he just misses her! He could be frusterated that he doesn't get to be with her as much now or something. Plus with my blurry eyes I thought he was 1.5. So obviously you could use more vocabulary than "gentle". I don't do the time out thing, because it's never worked with any of the kids I watch. But either way I bet this will get solved soon enough.


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## ZeldasMom (Sep 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alison77*
He always says 'NO!' to her, doesn't want her to hug or kiss him when she comes in. He tells her that he doesn't want her to sit next to him


I would not make a big deal out of these things. Of course, hitting and kicking you need to address.

I am naking so I can't engage in my typical verboseness







but one resource
I have found useful is The Happiest Toddler on the Block. I forget the author. There is a DVD version I have checked out from my local library.

Good Luck!


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## dumpsterdivamama (Nov 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alison77*
He always says 'NO!' to her, doesn't want her to hug or kiss him when she comes in. He tells her that he doesn't want her to sit next to him, and he wants to hit or kick her sometimes. This is a really frustrating situation for us, because we don't want to suppress DS' emotions or anything, but on the other hand it really upsets my mom. Much of what we say is 'We don't hit Mamie!', or 'Let's me nice to Mamie'.

My dd1 went through a phase like this to my dh. Especially the hug/kiss/physical part. What we found is that she is a very sensory-aware kid, much more so than other kids, so any physical contact she is really sensitive about... it has to be initiated by her, or at least be on her terms. She is NOT ok with a lot of touching, it overwhelms/overstimulates her. I have no idea if your ds is like that at all, but my advice would be to not push it. And try to encourage your mom that it is not a personal thing at all, to try to not let it upset her. He might pick up on that.

For my dd, it is especially hard when someone comes in the room/comes home/there is a change of some sort. Which is why I think it was directed at my dh more than me... he would come home and kind of "attack" her, since he was so glad to see her, and she'd freak out and kick/hit/cry etc... One thing we did that was really helpful (besides just encouraging dh to back off) was when he came home, he would come hug me and kiss me, and I would act really excited to see him, and then she would want to be included, and she would come hug him. Maybe try that??

Does the hitting/kicking come when she's approaching him? Or just when he's frustrated?

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree here, but hopefully some of this helps!!


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## mightymoo (Dec 6, 2003)

Lots of good suggestions. I would also talk to him about how what he does makes his grandmother feel. I find that when we tell DD how something makes someone sad, she relates better to not doing it.


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## alison77 (May 26, 2004)

We do talk to him about how his actions and words towards his grandmother make her feel, and I'm also worried about that in the sense that has been mentioned above, that we may be making him feel really guilty about his emotions. I don't want to do that - I don't want to be saying that his emotions are wrong either, because they're valid, just we can't figure out where they're coming from.

I think we do need to ask grandmother not to be as much in his face - she definitely comes and wants hugs and kisses, which is a prime time for him to be saying No! Though hitting/kicking doesn't just come when she is approaching him, it can come from what seems like out of nowhere, too.

I think that they did have some special time together when she was babysitting him, and that he probably does miss that. THough it seems funny to me that this would continue to happen for so much longer afterwards. She stopped babysitting him in the beginning of September. Now, she will babysit if we want to go out, and in general he does well with her. We've suggested that to her, that she create some special time with him (and yes, this is a total other issue) and she feels like we're attacking her and saying that she doesn't spend time with him which she doesn't think is true.

Yesterday on the way home I told DS in the car that his grandmother would be home when we got there, and that it was unacceptable to hit or kick her. I did say it was okay to say no (was this wrong? the idea of wanting him to feel okay expressing what he wants to). It ended up being a good entry because she was eating some cheerios when we came in, and he was hungry and wanted to join her.

The other thing that I'm worried about in all this is that we're expecting DS#2 in about 6 weeks. My mom loves the baby stage, and so I wonder whether the way she reacts to the baby will make his actions towards her worse. I'm trying to think of ways to prevent that (and prevent DS1 from feeling bad in general).


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