# Stopping myself from feeling offended!!



## NoCa (Nov 4, 2015)

Hello
I observe it with myself and so many mothers around me: they get offended by their own children, they feel not taken seriously and respected, especially when it comes to doing chores, executing orders, cleaning up, etc. I observe that children in this regard generally do not listen to their mothers, they need to be told several times and are reluctant to obey, etc. It seems to me that all the children (say between 5 and 9 years) are the SAME. So it must be the case that children for some reason CANNOT listen, they function so differently to what we mothers expect them to function and this causes alot of frustration and conflicts! I realise that we as mothers need to RETHINK. We cannot go on being offended or feeling disrespected. Now, I really want to get this right. I don't want to keep getting frustrated by my kids not helping me, me feeling not listened to. If my kids are just are not able to listen I want to stop asking them, expecting them to listen. I want to understand them better and change my approach. I agree that thinking that kids are disrespectful and intentionally rude, etc. is but our grown-up perception and not the truth of the child! I am up for peace, gentleness and graciousness. I would LOVE if other mums could share their experiences and thoughts regarding this subject! And some advice would also be more than welcome!! THANK YOU!


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

GREAT topic!

In my humble opinion, no one can_ make_ you feel disrespected. You choose it. Other people's actions don't make me do or feel anything. When someone does not do something I ask of them, I have many choices in how to respond. I can ignore it, I can nag, I can do it myself, I can manipulate and distort...the list goes on. Again, in my opinion, when parents begin telling their children they are not feeling respected, etc, they are usually trying to manipulate children to do what is asked, by trying to induce guilt.

How many of us are motivated to do something if someone is just trying to make us feel guilty for not doing it?! (mother's in law come to mind....)

I like a much more straightforward approach, gleaned from years and years of practice.


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## NoCa (Nov 4, 2015)

Thanks for replying and reassuring that the way of self-evaluation and working on myself as a mother is the right way to go. You are right, it is ME that chooses to feel offended or not. I grew up in a family where offence was a big topic so I have been through unlearning to feel personally offended for several years and am so unspeakably thankful that I have become so much for rooted and grounded in peace and relaxedness that I have ever been. People CAN change, you can do it if you really want but you must try, try and try, try and tryyyy. So true. 
I would be glad for some practical tips in terms of teaching children 'responsibility', 'reliability' or getting them to help with keeping their own stuff tidy. How important are things like these to you? How do you balance 'abundant grace' and discipline etc.? (Sometimes it makes me nervous when I think I am being to loose, i.e. letting my child use the laptop for too long, etc. I recently spoke to a mother who thought that responsibility (getting the homework done, keeping their rooms tidy, having their things together, etc.) needs to be taught from an early age on. I felt a bit guilty when she said this because we are more on the loose side and kept on contemplating about what she had said. I came to the conclusion that it might be wasted energy trying to teach a child responsibility (at least that kind of responsibility that we grown-ups have in mind) 'from an early age' but that I rather exercise much grace an generosity and wait until the child is actually ready to learn to be responsible (and not burden him with such expectations too early..)!
What do you think about that? How do you handle the issue of 'responsibility'? How do I know how much I can 'expect' from my child so that I don't expect too much or too little? 
Lots of love


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

One of the things I've learned over time, perhaps the hard way, is that the best way to teach responsibility is to model responsibility. Are we following through on our own grown-up responsibilities? Do we show care for our belongings? Do we do things for others, even when we are not asked? Our children will be learning this from us, even if we are not overtly teaching them.

With regard to teaching children to help, one of the other things I've learned, and this came from Flylady--we cannot preach and cajole and harangue our children to do everything "right." We can teach them once, for example, how to clean the bathroom. Then we can let it go. We don't go in afterward and show them all the spots they missed. Gradually over time they will get it right. "Housework, done incorrectly is still a blessing (to your family)." One of the reasons they don't want to help is because we are so unpleasant about it. Once I stopped yelling at my kids to clean the 'right way,' they were much more willing to help, because they knew I would accept it as done without sending them back to it. Also teaching short bursts of work in order to get to play.

We can't play out our own frustrations about not having enough time to get everything done through our children. We never will get everything done, and that is true whether we are stay at home or work out of the home. 

We expect everyone to contribute in our family life, and we do put expectations up on a chart. We are pretty matter of fact about it. For example my kids know that if they want to ask me if they can watch TV or use the computer, they had just best do what's on their chore list first. We also have another list of just basic expectations: practice your instrument, put your clean laundry away, take your vitamins, and they also just do these things first before asking for something they want, such as TV time. This just takes the whole battle out of it.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

For me growing up, it was very useful and pleasant to have a Morning List and Evening List that spelled out what was expected of me in the daily routine. My dad made these with me, letting me choose the order of specific tasks when there were options (put on PJs first, or brush teeth first?) and choose the color in which he wrote each item. I think the first lists were for first grade, and then we made new ones annually through maybe seventh grade, and at some point I started doing the writing myself. Whenever I was wandering off-course (might not be ready in time) my parents would remind me to check what was next on my list--but generally I liked following the list and would stick to it pretty well.

I have made these lists with my son every year since kindergarten. He likes having them, but he does not follow them the way I did. He is not a people-pleaser and doesn't enjoy systematic processes like I always have. He often argues that he doesn't have to do that thing every day really, or claims it's done when it isn't--I fully understand what Lauren is saying about being relaxed on standards, but at times my son purposely does a very half-hearted job (for example, says he's swept the dining room when what he did was stick the broom under the table, pull it out once, and leave the crumbs in the middle of the floor) or simply doesn't do it (for example, Sunday he told me he'd brushed his teeth while I was nursing; later when I went to brush my own teeth, I saw his toothbrush wasn't there because he'd not yet unpacked it from Saturday's sleepover, so clearly he had not brushed). It's frustrating! But we still believe that having the expectations clearly posted on the wall works better than not doing so.

I agree that elementary-age children are NOT good at remembering to do stuff. Even with a diligent personality like mine, I still had to look at the lists daily; I did not memorize them reliably enough to get everything done without double-checking. Also, it takes kids several years to learn that certain things truly are their responsibility and that skipping the tasks that annoy them will not result in them somehow getting done anyway or not needing to get done. I mean, when I was 8 and went to overnight camp for the first time, I chose not to brush my teeth all week, and at my next dental checkup I had cavities for the first time ever; that's what it took to motivate me to brush when there wasn't someone standing over me reminding me!

So I agree that it's important not to take it personally when a child forgets a task or doesn't do it up to your standards. Calm, simple reminders are the way to go.


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## head4thehills (Feb 19, 2014)

This is a great topic, and it strikes a chord with me.

I think that I've dragged my baggage with me into the world of parenting. Because I've been disrespected in the past, and have a bit of a doormat complex, I get personally offended when my 5 yo doesn't listen to me or treats me disrespectfully. I have to consciously remind myself that he is only 5, and those who have walked all over me in the past were much older (though maybe not much more mature), and this only happened because I let it happen. Parenting is becoming a very good learning and personal growth experience. I'd love to expand on these thoughts and further digest what has been written so far... will come back to this thread when I have the chance!


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## Nightwish (Sep 9, 2008)

I would argue that 5-9 have the capacity of listening and being respectful and there is nothing wrong with being offended if you as a parent are being treated with disrespect. 
But I would specify that listening is not the same as obeying. Listening is reciprocal. I expect them to listen to me when I tell them to clean up their room, but I have to listen to them when they want to finish their game first.
I have an acquaintance who comes to visit with her 10 yo on occasion and it's painful to watch her all red cheeked begging her son to get ready when it's time to leave, while the son ignores her.
Or her 7yo daughter whining to be carried until she complies.


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## head4thehills (Feb 19, 2014)

My littles seem to be pretty good at listening to me when we're out somewhere, thank goodness. People have remarked on how well behaved they are. So maybe it's the home environment that somehow creates a different attitude? BTW my 2-year-old is much better at listening and responding than my 5-year-old, so temperament probably has something to do with it. She even brings him his boots when she hears me telling him to get ready to go somewhere. It's very cute to see her do that, but I wonder how I can get him to be more responsive on his own? I agree that you have to listen to them too, and often just giving him a chance to finish up with what he's doing helps, but sometimes we are in a hurry and I need more prompt responsiveness from him. It seems that every day I go through a struggle to get him dressed and mobilized, and wonder what I'm doing wrong?

Just getting around to reading more of these responses, and getting a few hints. Thanks again, to everyone who's posted advice! Keep it coming if you have any pointers at all.


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