# Uncontrollable anger



## Saddad01 (Jan 1, 2016)

Hey everybody, just wanted to get some advice from the mothers and soon to be mothers out there and dads please chime in too if you've been through this.

My fiancé is currently 7 months pregnant with our first child. we have been together for 6 years and bought our first home a few months before she became pregnant. 

Even before she bacame pregnant she had issues with anger and was on medication for depression and OCD. 

I completely understand when women are pregnant their emotions go crazy so I was prepared,but nothing like this. She is never not angry, like screaming angry every day and not only is it pushing me away but it's having a big effect on her 7 year old son (from a previous relationship) he started therapy recently and has even told his therapist that mommy is angry all the time. I'm also worried about the effect this may be having on our unborn daughter. ( yup, having a girl!)

She says it's my fault cause I'm not sensitive enough, but it's hard when she immediately jumps to yelling, I try to talk sensibly but her arguments rarely make sense, when I feel my blood pressure start to rise I try to leave the room but she follows me yelling until finally I explode back. Even when I try to leave the house to get away she threatens that I won't be allowed back.

Just for a few examples of things I've been screamed at about, 
Bringing a yoyo into the house from a chuck e cheese without properly disinfecting it, stopping by a friends house after work for half an hour without permission, she has a cat allergy so when I come home from a house where cats are I have to strip my clothes in the garage (I live in Wisconsin and its winter) and immediately go to the shower, also my job gets pretty dirty so I have to shower everyday before I leave, since I work 2nd shift I get home at bedtime and I'm not allowed to get in bed without showering again since, even though I showered just 25 minutes before getting home I'm now dirty again from the drive home. So I basically sleep on the couch every night. Oh, one more thing, we found out at 4 weeks that she was Pregnant, and the next day she yelled at me for not carrying an empty laundry basket for her cause she is pregnant and shouldnt have to do that. At Halloween she lost her temper with her son and threw him to the floor.

Anyways, all this constant anger has left me feeling devoid of any emotion in life and Im at my wits end. Any advice would be great. Thank you, and also thank you for listening to my rant.


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## sjbr (Dec 15, 2015)

I wish I could help you more, but I want to tell you that someone here will be able to and I am glad you reached out to ask us. I'm sorry I can't really give you any advice, except to say that she is abusing her child physically , and you emotionally, and it sounds to me like you need outside help. Maybe you could talk to your doctor? Does your company have a counselor or social worker available, or does your OB's office have one on staff? Even someone at Planned Parenthood or a similar agency (domestic violence groups too) will be able to help you find the help you need. I wish the best for you and your family.


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## Wonderwalled in NC (Dec 30, 2015)

I am so sorry to hear that you and the 7yo are dealing with this. It is so hard to watch someone you love go through this type of emotional stress, plus the stress it puts on you. I have also dealt with uncontrollable anger in my past. I have been verbally abusive to my husband and my son, and I can't tell you the regret that I live with for that. But I can tell you some of the things that helped me get past it, so maybe this can help in your situation. Just know that I do not have OCD, so that adds an extra layer of complication on your situation. I've been able to curb my anger and lessen my depressed states without medications, but that's not an option for everyone.

1. It's great that she is willing to get medical help in the form of therapy and/or medication for these issues, however, not all behavioral health medications work for everyone. I'm not sure which meds are safe during pregnancy, but I definitely agree with sjbr that looking into counseling/therapy, individually and for the family as a whole, would probably be beneficial. Sometimes just talking to a third party, unbiased person is enough to put things into perspective. It's hard to talk to family/friends about things like this because 1. you don't always want people that close to you to know your "dirty laundry", and 2. their previously formed opinions of her and you will undoubtedly affect their advice. Not to mention family/friends have a tendency (as we all do) to throw things back in your face later on when they become upset about something, which isn't good for anyone. Seek out a family counselor with stellar reviews and an open-mind. One who has experience with pregnancy would be helpful just to ensure safe medication administration if needed.

2. Be direct with her. Don't sugarcoat things just because you love her. Explain to her that this relationship has become abusive for everyone involved, including the 7yo. Make her face her own actions.

3. Always let her know that you still love her and want to work things out if possible.

4. Don't ever leave without a calm explanation of why. If things are so bad that you want to just walk out, calmly explain to her that you're leaving because of the situation, not because you don't love her, and that you will return in a little while once you've both had time to cool down. Then do just that. Don't stay gone for days or leave screaming and yelling...that just makes things worse. She will respond to your calm energy, even if it's after you're gone.

5. Don't fall victim to empty threats. I've done this in the past...told my husband I would do X if he left, when I knew I had no intention of ever doing X. So if she tells you that you won't be allowed back if you leave, still give a calm explanation of why you're leaving and follow through. If she really doesn't allow you to come back just for calmly leaving and trying to de-escalate a tense situation, then it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship anyway. Chances are that she's bluffing because she doesn't want you to leave, but she has to understand that she can't expect you to stay if she refuses to calm down.

6. DO NOT spin tires out of the driveway when you do leave. That just makes us think you're going to kill yourself, which adds a whole other layer of stress to the situation. Drive like you normally would (hopefully you drive sensibly in the first place :wink: )

7. Return promptly and calmly, and offer to talk about what happened when she is ready. She may not be at that point, but making the offer to talk about it is the most important part. If she is still uncontrollable, calmly leave again and explain why you are. 

8. Make sure you're SHOWING her that you love her at all times, whether she's upset or not. It's not enough to just tell her you love her when she screaming and crying. Show her your love everyday...hold her hand, kiss her for no reason, offer to do things for her just because, etc. You have no idea how far the little things go.

I'm definitely not a doc of any kind, so this may not work for your situation at all. As far as the 7yo goes, that's tough. Since he's technically not your child there's not a whole lot you can say there, other than to try to talk to her about how her anger is affecting him. Just remember to always stay calm when talking about anything like this. My husband has told me before that he thought I was too hard on my son, and it did make me mad/hurt my feelings at first, but once I had time to calm down and think about it I changed the way I treated him. Reminding her that women who are constantly stressed during pregnancy have a higher chance of having children with emotional issues later on might help. Sometimes we all need a reality check.

Most of all I really hope your family finds a solution that works, and that the birth of your daughter is a true blessing for all of you. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. 0


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## Saddad01 (Jan 1, 2016)

I just wanted to start this by saying I appreciate the both of you taking time to write and give me advice, I've tried looking into couples therapy but since we're not married my insurance won't cover that, so I have to look into other options. 

Tonight was the worst night yet, like most arguments it started because I disagreed with something she said and she immediately jumped to anger and yelling, once I figured neither of us would budge on our opinions I walked away and went to my basement "man cave". Her response was to throw the remote to the tv down the stairs, which it of course shattered, more arguing took place, I told her she needed to go upstairs and cool off, she then responded by grabbing the shelving unit that our DVDs are stored on and threw it to the floor. This is completely unacceptable, I've told her she needs to control her anger, she believes she doesn't have to because she's pregnant, that it's my fault we fight cause if I just agree and do what she says this won't happen. If that's not text book manipulation I don't know what is. 

It's hard to tell her I love her and do all these small things to show it cause her anger has left me feeling completely disconnected from her emotionally, I feel nothing now when I see her or talk to her. I'm just basically waiting it out till my little girl arrives. I hate that it's like this but don't know what else to do.


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## tournesol (Jul 22, 2013)

You are going to have to be the saint here. Not in the sense of being nice, but in being strong--true strength.

Read about active listening. Implement it with your fiancee--keeping in mind that there's no expectation of your fiancee trading places with you in the active listening process. It's going to be one-sided.

When a conflict arises, slow things down. When necessary, repeat yourself. Take the intensity out of your speech. It's worth looking up the broken record technique, and when you have to go negative go that way, speaking relatively slowly.

Instead of asserting your perspective, listen to what she says, try to understand what she means. Ask her if you understand correctly, ask questions in a non-judgemental, if anything excessively generous way. (This is the basic step of active listening.)

You know that she's wrong. But way deep down, there's something that is right in her motives. It probably doesn't have much to do with you, probably has more to do with her past. But you picked a path of heavy karmic work and here it is. You guys may find that you can eventually get through to that deeper truth.

Studies have show that when a man stonewalls (or leaves), it makes the woman's stress level go way higher. It's better if you don't do that. If you absolutely have to, then try to explain that you're going to do so in a neutral way first. "I'm getting overwhelmed, so I'm going to go downstairs. I would like to keep talking but I just can't do it right now."

This is extremely tough work, but the one good thing is that you don't have to be connected with her to do this. Instead you have to strive to be connected with yourself. You don't have to succeed with this 100% to make progress.

Also, when you aren't engaged in this work, don't dwell on the negative. If you can't relate to a positive perspective of her, and you aren't actively thinking something through or processing in a constructive way, then distract yourself and think about other things that are more positive. Anything at all. 

Be sure to maintain your mental health and resilience. Eat nutritious food, exercise, get out and socialize, do some fun things.

Maybe not everything that I said will ring true, but I think you probably get the gist of it. It's a starting point, anyway.


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## NicoleT (Dec 4, 2011)

Saddad01 said:


> Hey everybody, just wanted to get some advice from the mothers and soon to be mothers out there and dads please chime in too if you've been through this.
> 
> My fiancé is currently 7 months pregnant with our first child. we have been together for 6 years and bought our first home a few months before she became pregnant.
> 
> ...


As a Certified Counselor, it sounds as if she's carrying the weight of rage regarding unresolved childhood emotions and memories. If she's open, it may be in the best interest and safety for everyone for her, and you, to receive counseling support - separate and together. In the interim, and coupled with counseling, you all may find some ease and support with flower essences. Very similar to essential oils, they assist in bringing emotional upsets into balance.


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## funfunkyfantastic (Feb 9, 2008)

My husband has borderline personality disorder. While he isn't screaming constantly, he does have a trigger temper and it's hard to tell what will set him off. His arguments are usually blown way out of proportion, but that is typical with the disorder. He has very extreme emotions and never learned how to express them properly (probably due to his extreme childhood abuse.) His anger was 10x worse than usual when I became pregnant and just got worse and worse as my dd approached. Things are A LOT better now. He has less "temper tantrums" (pretty much what they are) And the rage fits he does have are shorter and he apologizes afterwards. He STILL refuses counseling because bringing up childhood memories causes flashbacks that are very traumatic for him. 

I hope things improve for you soon. They only advice I can give is for you to validate her emotions. While her emotions and feelings are blown way out of proportion, they are still her feelings, and feelings can't be wrong. The way feelings are expressed however can be. Try to find a way to say you understand where she's coming from. But wait till she's calmed down before really discussing the problem. If she's raging out and demands an answer or explanation for something you can calmly communicate that you can't explain anything when you're both upset. Sometimes this is hard to get through when emotions are high and thinking goes out the window. This is why validation is important. As long as you can communicate that you understand and care about her feelings, you can help diffuse that anger some. It's NOT easy. I still have trouble diffusing anger as well.


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## ismewilde (Nov 6, 2015)

She seems to have serious emotional issues and may possibly have a chemical imbalance of some sort or very deep seated anger. Ether that or she has borderline personality disorder or something similar. Lastly, she may just be deeply unhappy and not know how to express healthily what is TRULY bothering her. If she won't get help, then her son needs to be somewhere else and so do you.


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## hfranco (Feb 3, 2016)

Count to ten, listen to classical music and hug someone who doesn't annoy you


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