# I just miscarried, what do I tell my dd!?!



## firedragon (Aug 30, 2002)

I just miscarried at 9 weeks and made the mistake of telling my 3 year old daughter right away that we were having a baby. She talks about the baby all the time and is really excited about having one... but now we aren't (until we manage to get pregnant again anyway). What in the world do I tell her? _Should_ I even tell her? I've managed to get pregnant within 2-3 months both times, and she wouldn't realize anything was wrong with a super long pregnancy, but it feels so deceitful to not tell her. But how can she understand what has happened?? My family all says to not tell her, my husband feels we should. I'm so confused about what to do! Does anyone have a suggestion?

Thanks,
-Cari


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thats a very difficult question..I will think about it and try and post later..


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Cari,

First let me say how sorry I am for you and your loss. Please take good care of yourself over the comming weeks. Your body has been through a great deal.

As for you dd, I would say honesty. Tell your dd that the baby died and let her know how sad you are. Let her talk about her feelings and fears. She may ask some really unusual questions at age 3, or she may just accept what you say and move on. Either way, your honesty will open he way if she has further questions.

You may want to light a candle and say a prayer for the baby. Like a memorial service. This too will show your dd that this baby was real and important. Don't be afraid to cry, grief is a normal response to loss and you'll be teaching your child a valuable lesson.

As for getting pregnant again and pretending that it's the same baby. I think that's a lot of pressure on one person! Too many 'what if's'. Also, if you dd found out at a later date it would really hurt to know you were not honest.

I wish you the best and again extend my sympathy to you. Please keep us up to date on how you're doing and reach out to us if you need to.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss.

I say you should definetly be honest. My SIL had a misscarraige recently. DD was so excited about it. It was going to be her first real cousin and she ready to be a the best older cousin in the world. She was drawing pictures for the baby, digging through her toys to find things to pass down (never mind she had already passed them fdown to her sister) and went shopping with me and helped me prepare a congratulations care package. To say she was into it was an understatement. We explained that the baby had died inside her aunt and went to be with jesus and we would get to meet him oneday but not until we went to be with Jesus. We also explained that everyone is very sad because we were excited about meeting the baby soon and will miss him. she was sad for a while but got over t pretty quickly. She was more concerned about her Aunt and Uncle and would they be alright. i told her after a while they would be better but they would always be a little sad about thier baby until they get to hold him in heaven.


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## firedragon (Aug 30, 2002)

Thanks for your advice. I told her what happened yesterday when she was asking questions about the baby, and I couldn't bear to lie to her. I really don't think she understood because after our conversation I asked her if she was sad and she said "No, I'm happy!" I asked her why she was happy and she said, "Because the baby died."







: So I don't know WHAT she is thinking... I'm just assuming that she doesn't really understand... and she hasn't given it another thought since. Odd.

Thanks again,
-Cari


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Actually, that's a very normal respons for a young child. As adults, reality comes hard and fast. Children usually don't process 'dead' untill after the age of 5. She's taking what she can and trying to processess it.

She may never ask about it again, or she may come up with some odd questions or fears in the weeks to come. Either way, don't be afraid by her reaction. Try to guide her through it at her pace and with gentle honesty.

You must be feeling so sad and lost right now. I'm so sorry you lost your precious baby. I lit a candle tonight in his/her honor - a gentle spicey smell.

You're going to go through so many emotions in the comming weeks. Some out of greif and some from the hormonal changes within you. Please take good care of yourself. Eat a well balanced diet and several small meals during the day. Make sure you have plenty of water and rest as much as possible.

The every day life with a 3 year old can be very trying at times. If you have some family or friends who can help you out - please reach out to them. Your body has been through a great deal.

I wish you gentleness.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

My daughter was 3 when I got pregnant in May, and I told her about the baby, but I don't think she really got it. When I had the miscarriage, I didn't really tell her anything because she didn't seem to understand the idea of pregnancy in the first place. The other day she talked about the baby, but we were talking about her/him before I ever got pregnant, so I think it is related to that.

I'm sorry for your loss


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## amy mueller benson (Oct 1, 2002)

Hi,
I don't know if you are still looking for input about talking to your 3 year old. I am going through the same thing you are and have been very concerned about my little one (he'll be 3 in November). He was very interested in the baby in my womb and has been talking about the "babies in his tummy" for quite some time. I just lost my baby 2 weeks ago and feel lost in every way- including how to guide him through this.

We have decided to share everything with him, including rituals of burial and planting a tree in honor of his sister. One thing that has really helped is a children's book called, Molly's Rosebush. He sits through the whole story and asked for it twice a day for a week or so. I think it helped him to know it wasn't only something that happens to us and it reassured his father and I that we are giving him good information that is age-appropriate. I think each of us has a sense for what is appropriate for our children. Trust yourself.

Best wishes to you and your family. We grieve together.


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