# My 3 year old hurts himself :(



## lisab (Nov 29, 2001)

Hi, Everyone:

Haven't posted in a while, as things have been crazy with two active toddlers in the house, but I need some advice and I feel I can turn to you all here....so, here goes.

I have a very bright, sensitive and loving 3 year old boy who has begun to hurt himself when he's angry. David was adopted from Colombia at 3 months of age, and we've AP parented him since then, including induced lactation (on my part!), family bed, gentle discipline, etc. He has always been a sensitive child who is easily upset (crying, screaming) by even the most gentle and kind behavioral correction. Since about 9 months of age, we've struggled with him flying into rages and banging his head on the floor (hard!) when he's frustrated about something. He doesn't seem to have a "mildly upset" mode--its either happy or EXTREMLY angry.

This past week, while I was disciplining him (by talking quietly, while we were both seated on the floor) for hitting his younger brother, he became so enraged with my correction that he began biting the skin on his knees. Well, he bit so hard he was shaking and then broke the skin. This seemed to make him even more upset, and he started scratching the skin on his arms and pulling his hair. Needless to say, I moved to stop him from doing this, and he went into his usual "rigid body" mode on the floor. I held him like this and rocked him until he calmed down a bit, but I was completely shaken and his behavior was atrocious for the rest of the day.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!? HELP! I'm starting to get nervous about my son flying into these rages, and I'm noticing I'm treating him with "kid gloves" (pardon the pun) more and more these days. They seem to happen anytime, anywhere without provocation at all (sometimes he even wakes up in a rage)--I'm worried for him and our family.


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## octobersweethearts (Feb 27, 2004)

Do you know much about his family of origin or what his first three months were like before you got him?

Some of this could just be that he is strong willed, has a temper and doesn't know how to express it because he doesn't have the words just yet. On the other hand, if you feel like something more is going on, I would trust your intutition - particularly if he had been abused/neglected.

I would think you are doing the right thing in continuing to practice AP parenting with him. That way, he knows you are not going to be mad at him, leave him, or hit him (particularly if this is what happened in the past).

You might try talking about some other things he can do when he is mad...instead of biting himself, give him a boo boo bunny to bite. Or allow him to hit a pillow, encourage him to use his words.


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## lisab (Nov 29, 2001)

We know quite a bit about his birth mother, but almost nil about his birth father, other than he was a member of the Colombian military.

His first 3 months were spent with a foster family, whom we met, when we went to Colombia to recieve him. The foster family has been fostering for almost 17 years, and seemed very good, so I'm pretty sure there was no neglect or abuse issues.

I really do think its a temper issue--he's got a HOT one--and that he doesn't know how to channel it very well verbally yet. He's getting more and more verbal, but I want to be able to give him an outlet when he's feeling "physically" angry, too. I've tried the pillow redirection with little success, but I like your "boo boo bunny" idea....


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## CJNeeley (Jun 8, 2005)

Mine started the head banging around 9 months too, the doctor said he was using it as a coping mechanism and that it was self-soothing but to try offering some place soft for him to do it so he wouldn't hurt himself (though he also assured me it was unlikely he'd do more break the skin a bit or give himself a welt or knot--umm, maybe it was because I was hormonal from being newly pregnant but this freaked me out more than it reassured me). SO we tried the 'soft place' thing and it didn't work; we tried holding him in our laps and letting him bang his head against our chests, again didn't help and even seemed to make him more upset because he wanted to be able to get it out and felt like we were trying to stop him (plus it hurt like crazy). To make this short, we tried every idea that anyone gave us and the only that finally worked was redirecting him to bounce a soft foam ball against the wall (around 23 mos); he can throw it as hard as he wants and it won't hurt him or the wall--and except for needing to sometimes remind him (now that he's approaching 3) that it must be one of the soft balls, and not say a toy car or book, this has gone really really well. Maybe something like that could help, but your son's rage sounds a little more pronounced so it may be a longer road.

For the most part ours would hurt us rather than themselves (except for the head banging and pulling out eyelashes/jerking on eyelids) so I'm not sure if the approach would be the same. But from everything we've been told by all the doctors, it's their way of getting something out; they can't express their fear and their rage in an a way that is satisfying to them and yet it is so real and so tangible to them they have to find some kind of outlet. It has been very trial and error, just trying to give them words for how they are feeling (or at least, how they seem to be feeling) and redirecting them to safer outlets for it. This seemed to work best with ours when the redirected activity was close to the original method--like the banging the ball against the wall instead of his head with the oldest, opening and closing the babydoll's eyelids instead of tugging at their own, one of ours likes to break things so snapping carrots/celery into several small pieces (raw veggies make a satisfying pop as they break) or tearing paper into tiny shreds really helps him get it out without being dangerous, letting the little one tug at the leather strips on one of the cat toys instead of pulling hair, etc; so I think I'd definitely try the pp's suggestion and if that doesn't work, keep trying alternative things for him to bite. The problem is our ped said that sometimes when the harm is self-inflicted the pain can be as much a part of the comfort to the child as the activity itself, so I don't know what you should do. Maybe he'd need something he could _feel_ as an outlet, though obviously not any type of pain; for example, maybe playing in the backyard a little inflatable pool where he could smack/punch/splash in the water as violently as he wanted but at the same time _feel_ the coolness of the water on his skin as he sits in it, the droplets spraying on his skin with each act, etc would be satisfying since it channels both the doing and the feeling at the same time. But then again, as I said before, this isn't what I have experience with so maybe that's not going to be enough and you may have to seek some kind of medical help. I really don't know, but I feel for you and I hope some mamas who have been through this have some more helpful advice.


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

Mine did this. He has a fairly serious sensitivity to dairy and the primary symptom is aggressive rage. It took us 5 years to believe that could be it, but things are a whole lot better. He is still intense, but much more likely to cry than rage when disappointed.

hugs, mama, this is no fun


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## lisab (Nov 29, 2001)

Thanks for your reply!

I called a number of psychologists/psychotherapists/psychiatrists today and left messages at most. The one I did get in touch with didn't deal with children under 12. I made an appointment at one place which really had a "psychiatric" feel, and I think now I'm going to cancel the appointment. Weird vibes from that one--they off-handedly mentioned that I wouldn't be allowed to stay with him if he needed to be hospitalized....uhhhhhhh.....hospitalized?!?

I did find a play therapist here in Dallas that might be worth a shot...


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

Very few... very few psychologists work with kids this young and they often are working over time on autism stuff. Honestly, from what you are saying, you are going to get better answers here than most therapists office. This could be temperment stuff or it could be loss issues or it could be neurological but for now you need to just relax and help him learn to manage his emotions- what all of us mothers of three year olds are teaching. It sounds like you are really doing great parenting and if his needs turn out to be high- you will be really glad you invested all the AP energy when he was little. If it all passes easily (as I suspect it will) then you will be able to relax and wait for the next challenge when you have to wonder more than many parents about what this behavior means given his complicated history.

A play therapist would be ok. If you continue to see these kind of reactions, you could also consider an occupational therapist OT. They do a lot of work with sensory issues which this could be. I wouldn't worry much... not yet. Lots of kids from "perfect" backgrounds have these kind of behaviors in their intense third year. Good luck. Sounds like you are doing a great job.


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## CJNeeley (Jun 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisab*
Weird vibes from that one--they off-handedly mentioned that I wouldn't be allowed to stay with him if he needed to be hospitalized....uhhhhhhh.....hospitalized?!?

Oh you poor mama, I would so freak if someone wanted me to hospitalize mine, even more so if I were told I couldn't be with him. I'd be thinking to myself 'I came here for help not to get my kid off my hands!' They do know he's a 3 yo baby boy and not some teen that might open up better about what's going without parents around, right? This seems a bit too extreme to me no matter how severe his problems might be; I mean if he's doing any of this out of fear I would think feeling abandoned by having no mommy around and just a bunch of creepy strangers will probably make things worse more than any benefit that could come from their potential medical knowledge. I think you'd be right to cancel that appointment and keep looking elsewhere. [But mine are fairly non-verbal, they have some words but even the older one can't always find the ones to say what he wants so I'd wouldn't leave them for even a short period of time with someone I didn't feel I could trust because they couldn't tell me what happened if something upset them or made them uncomfortable--so that may be coloring my perception of the situation quite a bit.]

Don't know anything about play therapy, never even heard of it, maybe you could post a seperate question about it to see if any of the mamas/papas here have any info on it and what to look for in a good play therapist? Picking a doctor is much like picking a preschool or daycare, you have to know what to look for and what questions to ask before you get there and you have to always trust your gut/sense of intuition.

ETA: PP's mention of OT, got me thinking. Both of my kids have issues with this so I never really thought about it, but ds1 had some issues he had to work on with both physical therapy (PT) and OT and he still has some developmental delays with gross and fine motor skills and night terrors (you mentioned yours sometimes wakes up in a state so maybe this could be an issue)--and his rage and temper issues have been MUCH more pronounced and violent than ds2. I don't know if it has bearing, but could be something worth considering; maybe the oldest has more frustration not being able to express himself because he doesn't feel able to control himself in other ways. At any rate, I totally agree with her that you should try what you can first before getting doctors involved; it can save time and money even if you do need their help to know what hasn't worked and what coping mechanisms he does have already, etc. and if you don't need any it can really save money and unneeded hassles. But I think if looking into options ahead of time makes you feel safer about trusting yourself knowing you have a preferred direction already selected to go in should you not be able to handle it yourself or makes you feel more secure you won't make a harried decision later when you feel you are in more of a crisis situation, look now. I don't think of looking or even interviewing as the same as taking action--lots of people look into childcare options long before they plan to actually enroll a child, I think more people should do it with doctors [but then I'm a dork who interviewed several peds while I was still pregnant in order to find just the right one, so it's just part of how I think about things] to prevent or at least minimize conflicts based on incongruent ideologies. Other people are really just sources of information and inspiration, parenting is about you and your child and your instincts with him and about what advice has the ring of truth should always win out because it will always be stronger than that of someone who is with him less regardless of who they are. But at the same time you can't have all the knowledge and all the experiences of those around you so I'm a believer in looking for help wherever you can find it; someone somewhere will always have the answer you are looking for it's just a matter of looking until you find them--might be a parent, might be a doctor, might be someone at the adoption agency, or even someone you might never have expected. Don't fret about where the help comes from just keep looking until you find what you need to help your baby. But I'm rambling yet again so I'm going to 'shut-up' and go to bed.


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## jstar (Jul 22, 2004)

my 13 month old bangs his head on the floor, his face on the edge of the table (!) or bites himself when he's frustrated. i don't have any words of advice.....just wanted to say i have a 'spirited' intense child as well.

i know a friend whose son was heavily into biting ended up pinning a cloth onto his shirt. when he got frustrated he could bite that instead of a person. i haven't ever had a 3 year old but i think you can probably 'talk' to them about finding other ways to cope with anger (more than you can reason with a 1 year old). talk about it during a calm time

i'm trying not to react to it. i'm just pretty much ignoring it right now hoping the phase will pass


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