# I am a mean evil mom (long)



## mamanonymous (Mar 7, 2003)

First I have to say, I believe wholeheartedly in the ideas of gentle dicipline and attachment parenting. They are wonderful theories, but the reality of them is really freaking hard for me. Sometimes I feel like I am such a mean mom. It kills me because I really made up my mind that I would never let anyone treat my children the way I was. I know how much it sucks to be a kid who gets yelled at and feels bad about themselves, and now I catch myself doing it way too often. Like today, DD 6 and DS 3 and I are about to walk down our very long driveway. DD wants to race her brother and I say "Remember to stop at the gate" because the day before she ran out into the street with her brother. We don't live on a busy road, but it's still dangerous and just a good idea not to do as a rule. Well, she does it again. I ask what she is doing leading her 3 year old brother into the road and she says she forgot. She is not ususally a disobedient child, but that's ridiculous, it was less than 2 minutes before she had said OK to stopping at the gate, and she seems to be doing stuff like this a lot more lately. I told her to go back to the house because I was to mad to talk to her. I thought I had cooled off enough, but when I started to talk to her about it I just got so annoyed again and ended up telling her how disappointed I was and how some little boy in the newspaper just got killed riding his bike across the road his mom told him not to. What a mean and scary thing to tell a kid!








So, later on I take the kids to ride biks on the river trail. 3 YOS is being his usual daredevil self, but we're having fun and laughing, the kids are a ways ahead of me. A group of people is walking on the trail toward us with their dog, a pit bull and I remind DS "Go around the people" as he is heading straight at them. He keeps at it and I say it again. He is still riding full speed ahead right at these pedestrians and their PIT BULL and the dog owner pulls the dog tightly on the leash and goes off the trail to avoid my demon child.
I was so pissed at him I told him to get off his bike. I almost left the bike there for some other lucky kid to have, but decided that would be too cruel so I pull it myself and make DS walk. I tried to explain to him calmly what was wrong with that scenario.
1) It is disrespectful to force people off the trail
2) It's not safe. Someone could get hurt if you run into them on a bike
3) It is mean to scare dogs and other animals
4) It was a freaking pit bull! It could have ripped his face off!
The thing is, again, when I try to explain the problem I get really mad again and then end up yelling, or scaring them with some dog mauling story and making them feel really bad about themselves for not listening to me. DS even cried one time and said when I yell he feels like I don't love him.







It's horrible because I really want to be this wonderul, loving patient mama,I end up being a mean verbally abusive one. And every night that it happens I feel like crap and can see clearly how wrong I was. I just lose it in the moment. I can see it's usually when I am really too busy, hormonal and they are being really needy and acting up because I am not giving them the attention they need, or they are just being little kids and I am too impatient to deal with it when I am overwhelmed with other stuff so I snap on them. Most of the day I am fine and really hands on so people think I am this good mom because I read so much to the kids, do crafts, cook, play all day etc, but they don't see my ugly side. And that's terrible too that I just show my worst to the peope I love! This is really hard for me to even admit this stuff because it sounds so horrible, but I really want to stop it. I hate thinking I have hurt my kids hearts and made them feel bad. I love my babies more than anything and I don't want them to grow up feeling bad about themselves, resenting me and then doing this to my grandbabies. So, please don't judge or yell at me. I had enough of that as a child which is wher I learned to act act like this. (But I'm not blaming it on anyone else. I can see now they did their best. I'm a grown up, and this is my flaw now, but I want to change it!) Any thoughts or advice would be warmly appreciated. HELP!!!


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

My best advice is that you be less critical of yourself. You're human, your kid ran in the street and you yelled. Your son biked into the path of a pit bull and you freaked a little. Great parenting does not mean that you can't have emotions. Many parents would have beaten their kids for that kind of thing.

If it makes you feel any better, my DD (who is NOT a biter) bit my toe a few weeks ago. I screamed when she did it, a perfectly normal reaction because I was so shocked and did not see it coming. She became hysterical and while I felt badly that she was upset, I was not sorry that I reacted the way I did. And that's pretty much what I told her.

You are not perfect but you sound like a great parent to me! Be a little easier on yourself, cut yourself the same breaks that you would cut for your kids.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I was thinking the same thing. You think you are hard on them, but it sounds as if you are being way harder on yourself. Practising GD doesn't mean we never get angry, or that we never raise our voices. It does mean that we strive to never demean, berate, insult, or degrade our children. But it is perfectly possible to have a strong reaction to a scary situatoin without inflicting harm on our children.

I think you handled the bike incident well. You probably handled the driveway incident okay also. Its okay to feel angry. Its okay to express anger. My advice is to give yourself permission to be angry sometimes, and work on finding constructive ways to express it.

This is a tough job, and I doubt it comes easily to any of us.


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## DaryLLL (Aug 12, 2002)

What a great honest post!

You are a hero for wanting to change the patterns of your youth.

First of all, do not call youself a mean evil mom. This kind of self talk is very hurtful. You may make an occasional mistake, we all do. A few mistakes does not make you an evil mom.

Describe your behavior: "I yelled, I lectured. I know that is not the best way to discipline. I will keep trying to do better. As I practice it, I will get better at it."

Short and sweet, but with repetition and consistency, is a better way to teach (which is what discipline means).

Do not forget to praise the child for positive behavior. Do not say, good girl, but , "I like how you helped your brother with that toy, " or whatever the situation/behavior was. Be specific.

Read







*How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.* It made a huge difference in my life. Very easy to read, full of practical tips and cartooon strips for the sleep deprived.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

I wanted to add to the chorus of "You are NOT a bad mommy!" Really, you aren't. None of us are perfect, all of us loss it sometimes, and even in "lossing it" you remained much calmer than most. And you admitted that you didn't like what you were doing and asked for help! Lots more "mommy points" for you. See, you are a great mother.

I think you even named many of the keys to reducing the yelling. You said, "I can see it's usually when I am really too busy, hormonal and they are being really needy and acting up because I am not giving them the attention they need, or they are just being little kids and I am too impatient to deal with it when I am overwhelmed with other stuff so I snap on them."

So, maybe find ways to be a little less busy or hormonal (OK, if you figure that one out, please share!) or reducing the needy-s a bit. Just to give you a few ideas, here's what I'm trying to do for myself and it helps (when I'm really working at practicing what I'm about to preach).

Remember that you are a person. You have needs too. And sometimes you need to take care of your needs so you can better care for your kids. So make sure your basic needs are being taken care of each day. Do you drink enough water, get enough "down time", eat proper meals (not just snacks with the kids), does your partner help with the household enough? All of these things will make it easier for you to give of yourself regularly. Do not be afraid to get the help you need (from whoever and whereever you can) so that you are in the right space to care for your kids!

Good luck and keep telling yourself "I am a great mother".


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## MidnightCafe (Oct 27, 2003)

You know, the first thing I thought after reading your post was, "Are you taking care of yourself?" So, I'm glad somebody else already said it. I think it goes a long way toward helping you feel calm and relaxed with your children if you've had enough food and water. I'm serious!! I get so crabby when I'm just hungry. And while I think it's important to eat some good meals now & then, I suggest having some easy, energy-packed snacks around the house that you can eat. And moving on from the basic needs (food & water), I wonder if you need some time to do the stuff you need or want to do. It sounds like you do a lot of stuff for/with your children. I think that's really great AND I think that's it's okay for children to see us doing other things (either relaxing fun things - like a yoga video or reading a magazine - or "work" things like folding laundry and loading the dishwasher). Children learn what they see. If they never see you taking care of yourself & taking care of the things that need to get done, they won't learn to do those things themselves. I know I get crabby went I don't have down time. Is there anyone who can give you a break now & then? (((hugs))) I think you're doing a great job!


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## SmilesALot (Nov 20, 2001)

Hi !

I am one of the moms that try to reach my ideal image of a mom always gentle and respectful of her kids. Believe me, i have had moments when i have felt that anybody else in this world would be a better caretaker of my kids than me. I have hated myself for the way i sometimes talk to my ds when he just behaves like a 3 year old( my thought - he is pushing my limits!!). And as others mentioned, this mostly results from a tired me (i have a 6 month old and i wake up a 2 to 3 times in the night) and not giving me the attention i need to be a more peaceful person. Mean words come out of my mouth. You are definitely not alone.

The fact that you are able to write it down itself should make you feel better and more aware of the actions you don't like. We all work on it.

Every night (before we lie dow) or morning (when i wake up with my kids) i make it a point to hug my kids and say aloud (while they hear it) that I am so lucky to have them for my kids. This is as much for me as it is for them to hear. This gives me a soft feeling in my heart to start the day or end the day eventhough the day may have or had a few rough spots.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. It only shows that mothering is a complex role. We all get better over the years as long as we work on it.

Love & Peace!


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## mcmrymoon (Jul 31, 2003)

i know you weren't







but my friend and i were having the same conversation. i was telling her how hard a time i was having being "nice" to my 4 year old - like i am yelling all the time and losing my temper too quickly. i have a 6 month old who is taking alot of my time (obviously) and 4 yo is obviously reacting to it.

i read the above advice about taking better care of myself. i know i dont even though i know i should. with the boys - it is alot easier to do stuff around the house at 11pm when everyone is sound asleep and out of my hair!!

you are a good mom. look at the good stuff you ARE doing - playing with your kids, not sticking them in front of the tv, walking with them. the things you said to them and your reactions are very normal.

good luck - i'm in the same boat.


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## Graceoc (Mar 26, 2002)

Quote:

just lose it in the moment. I can see it's usually when I am really too busy, hormonal and they are being really needy and acting up because I am not giving them the attention they need, or they are just being little kids and I am too impatient to deal with it when I am overwhelmed with other stuff so I snap on them. Most of the day I am fine and really hands on so people think I am this good mom because I read so much to the kids, do crafts, cook, play all day etc, but they don't see my ugly side. And that's terrible too that I just show my worst to the peope I love!
Goodness me I thought I was reading my own words....I will take all the advice to heart as well.....you are not alone!


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## mamanonymous (Mar 7, 2003)

Thank you all so much. I feel a lot better after getting it out and to realize that others are in the same boat. I know I am not really an evil mom, just a dramatic one maybe. I guess the occasional yelling doesn't seem out of line, but just how annoyed I would get even after I thought I was calm enough was scary. And telling my little kids a story about a kid getting killed in the street by a car, even though true, I feel bad about. Its a pretty scary thing to tell a kid, especially since I try to totally shelter them from violence in the media etc. I don't even like DH to watch the news when they are in the same room and I'm scaring the heck out of them myself. I think the taking care of me will be the key to feeling any better, as well as lightening up on myself. It's hard as you all well know. Active parenting is a lot of work and we are our own worst critics. The good news is, I didn't yell or freak today! Whoohooo! I do think I'll actually try to go to bed at decent time tonite!







Thanks again. Goodnight!


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

_Originally posted by mamanonymous_
*And telling my little kids a story about a kid getting killed in the street by a car, even though true, I feel bad about.*
I might just be a weirdo, but when I read this part of your initial post, I actually thought this was a great way to convey the serious danger of running into the street. Yes, it's scary, but it's quite often the reality of running in front of a car.

I'll tell you something that ds' father said to me today when I was going on about feeling inadequate and acting terribly toward ds (because I, too, feel like I've been spending most of my time butting heads with and snapping at him). He said that the fact that I was putting so much thought into this and that I was so concerned was evidence that I'm actually a great mother - if I wasn't, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Rather, I'd be bitching about the little pain in the butt that I have to deal with all day.

The moral of all that is that you sound like a *great* mama.


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## littlecurvieme (Mar 15, 2002)

Wow.

Well, first I must say......DITTO!!!!! to all of the other wonderful replies that you have gotten from this post.

I would also chime in and say that if you are worried about breaking a cycle from your childhood, I would definitely check out the book "Ghosts From the Nursery", which is about just that.

Good luck, and know that you are NOT alone!!!!!


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## NoraJadesMama (Aug 16, 2003)

This is a great thread. So much sage advice. Alas, I, too, could have written the OP. It's so hard to figure out the best way to respond in the moment, especially with our own emotions bubbling up! I think that a big part of GD is providing gentle guidance to ourselves, not judging or berating or demeaning ourselves, and trying to get to the underlying problem or emotion when things do get off track.

By the way, mamas, I am writing a book on gentle discipline for LLLI ... I am always interested in adding new mamas from this board into my team of contributors! Please PM me or email me at hilary "at" nursingtwo "dot" com to hear a bit more about the project and see if you would be willing to lend your words!

SmilesALot: I can imagine a spot for one of your comments in particular; I can't seem to send you a PM; would you be willing to take a moment to email me? Thanks!

Hilary Flower


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

awwww...







to you! you're not a bad mom! the only suggestion that i didn't see (and i just skimmed the thread so i might've missed it) is to apologize to your kids after you do something you don't like in yourself (yelling, or whatever). let 'em know mama makes mistakes, too. you probably already do this. you can be honest with your emotions, too, when you're talking to them and say something like, "i get so frustrated when you don't listen and then i end up yelling at you. i'm sorry. i really don't like to yell at you. i want you to be safe, though, and to treat others with respect." i'm talking out of my hat quite a bit, though. my dd is not quite 3 yet. haven't had to deal with 6 year olds yet. i agree with the other posters, though, if you were a mean evil mom you wouldn't even be posting about this. you're a concerned caring mom!


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## sleeping queen (Nov 10, 2003)

I'm sure you're a great mom just a frustrated one. It seems like your children are testing their limits to see who is in charge. I'm new to this board and the sound of gentle discipline sounded wonderful, but the more I read the more frustration I see in the ladies.

My advice is don't be afraid to set boundries with your children and enforce. When I started doing this with my first dd there was a lot less anger brewing out of frustration, a lot more pleasant outings.

Words don't always work. My dh family used "words" and now he is counciling for depression from all these words.


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## Bluegrass (Dec 31, 2001)

Hey, mama, don't be so hard on yourself. We all lose it sometimes-I agree with the previous posters, if you were a bad mama you wouldn't think so much about it.
Telling your dd about the kid getting killed in the road is harsh, yes, but you gotta do what will protect your kid. Scaring her a little bit just may keep her from running out in the road again. It makes you feel guilty, yes, but ultimately if it keeps her safe, you've done your job (no, I don't avocate the end justifying the means all the time, but in a matter of life or death like that, I don't think it will scar her for life).


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## snugglemama (Nov 29, 2001)

Beanma, sometimes I do just what you suggested, and the other day DS had the sweetest response. We had been at odds with each other all morning, and I said "I'm sorry I've been so grumpy with you this morning. Mama shouldn't be so grumpy." And ds (30 mo. old) says "Thank you for sayin dat, mama"


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

awwwww







snugglemama


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## zevulon (Dec 26, 2001)

Great posts from people about apologising to the kids and taking care of yourself as well.

Thanks for this thread, mamanonymous, and keep an eye out for pit bulls!!!


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## yaM yaM (Nov 9, 2003)

Great replies.. I, too, believe it's very healing to be real with your children, after you've gone overboard, and tell them you're sorry; then they learn that A) everybody makes mistakes, even mommies, B) that YOU know, too, that they feel hurt -- they feel understood and validated, and C) that apologizing is a nice thing to do -- you've set an example for them to follow.

Mamanonymous, you mentioned that you see, now, that your parents did their best when raising you, even though they may have yelled or said things that hurt your feelings/ made you feel bad about yourself. It is very wondreful to understand and forgive, however, your inner child still holds those feelings inside: all of the pain from those events in your own childhood have been stored neatly away, unless you learned to process those feelings somehow between then and now. But the feelings are triggered by your own children and remind your inner child, your subconscious memory, of those unresolved feelings. I have had much success with therapy. I have practiced many different techniques with my therapist that include hypnotherapy, inner child work, batting (using a bat on a pillow while connecting with my inner child's emotions), etc. Basically, it involves consciously/ purposely triggering those unresolved emotions in the comfort of a controlled enviornment with a professional who can then guide you through them. Healing from your childhood stuff is as easy as feeling the feelings and being comforted (either by yourself or a therapist) at the same time.

The bigger picture is that, when our children are in pain, for any reason, allowing THEM to feel their feelings is really healing and what they need most. We cannot always 'fix' things for them, nor can we make everything perfect (and that's not how life is either), so having them know they can express themselves without trying to DISTRACT them from their feelings is the answer. (Side note: distracting children from painful feelings just gives them the unspoken message that "painful feelings are wrong or sketchy -- so let's hurry up and change the subject!")

One more thought..

There's an organization called Love and Logic that has some great strategies for discipline. They have some great one-liners and simple responses, involving lots of rational, grounded logic (for all you mamas who like well-thought-out parenting). There are books and lectures on tape. I really appreciate a lot of their ideas -- very helpful. You can find them at loveandlogic.com. I've even found a couple of their books at my local library and read them cover to cover.

Blessings to you.


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## EllasMama (Nov 20, 2001)

I just wanted to chime in that I, too, could have written the original post, especially the part about seeming like a "good mom" to everyone else while really having this "ugly" side. Sometimes I get very angry at my husband for saying things to DD that I know *I've* said to her. (Of course, I was angry with myself when I said it, so it's only fair....)

This is going to sound kind of sick, but I had a realization recently after seeing some anti-child-abuse billboards in my area. One said something like "A closet should only be a place to hang a coat" and another showed a stove burner and said something like, "A burner should only be a place to cook." I honestly had to think about what they meant, it was so foreign to me that anyone would hurt a child in those ways! I'm not trying to say that I shouldn't try to yell less, and I'm certainly not saying that any behavior short of gross physical abuse is acceptable. But it did kind of put it in perspective that I'm probably being overly hard on myself for thinking I'm a terrible mom because I cannot manage to use non-violent communication in every situation.

In fact, when I think about it, the concept of a mom who is ALWAYS gentle and never ever loses her patience is kind of creepy! That's just not how humans were built. I think we're meant to have strong emotions and even get mad sometimes. Losing touch completely with that is surely unhealthy in its own way. Plus, if you never get mad and make everything absolutely perfect for your child, then the world will be an awfully scary place for the child.

One day I out walking with friends and their kids. My DD ran ahead toward a (small) cross-street and I asked her firmly to stop a couple times before yelling very loudly at her to do so as she got right up to the street. I then apologized to my friends for yelling in front of them and their children. They just looked at me and said, "Are you kidding? I would have yelled at my child if they'd done something dangerous like that, too!" These are loving AP moms, but thankfully they are honest ones, too! I felt so relieved.

I should say, for truth's sake, that a darned nagging voice inside me still wants me to be ever-calm perfecto-mom! I hope I will be able to better accept my own imperfections someday.

Carol


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## Yarnia (Aug 29, 2003)

I had to laugh, my mil is always coming up with some ridiculous scary story to keep the grandchildren in check. Usually, they involve athletics, bicycles, cars and of course SHARKS!

Once, when my nephew confessed to sliding down the bannister she proceeded to tell the kids about a little boy who DIED sliding down the staircase (?) and my brother in law said "whenever you find something fun to do, be assured that Mima knows a little boy that DIED doing it!"

I joked with her that she'd have to find some unlucky little girl stories when my daughter was born.
Now, of course I know I'll have to NIP it and ask her to cool it with the scare tactics.

You sound like a great involved mom. I'd have freaked out in both cases and done a little yelling myself.
Still have a lot to learn....


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## shanleysmama (Mar 9, 2002)

I must sheepishly admit that I have done some of the same parenting tactics as the OP. 90% of the time the kids and I have fun and I feel I discipline well, and the other 10% I feel like someone else has taken over my head, LOL. Like yesterday, DS (30 mo) tossed a stool at me, and I screamed. I over-screamed for what he did and freaked him out. Later I'm thinking "why did I do that???" and I apologize to him. I felt SO mean and horrible.
I feel like all the experienced GD mamas are always so calm and cool and have the right answers and know all the natural consequences to all of parenting off the top of their heads (since they always have such great answers to everyone's problems and I sit here reading their answers thinking "Yes, that's the way I should do it! Why didn't I think of that when it happened to me?"), while I am struggling day to day to keep up with GD and keep my sanity and my kid's self-esteem intact and trying to get their dad to agree with GD.
Tell yourself each day that it will be better, and you will do better, and don't beat yourself up. I don't too much, and when I mess up I apologize to the kids and give them a hug and tell a joke or something.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:

I feel like all the experienced GD mamas are always so calm and cool and have the right answers and know all the natural consequences to all of parenting off the top of their heads (since they always have such great answers to everyone's problems and I sit here reading their answers thinking "Yes, that's the way I should do it! Why didn't I think of that when it happened to me?"), while I am struggling day to day to keep up with GD and keep my sanity and my kid's self-esteem intact and trying to get their dad to agree with GD.
Nah. Not at all. Not always calm and cool. I don't know where that idea came from.

It is easier to know all the natural consequences..... that is somehting that comes with experience and work, and it has become a relief to have a fully stocked "toolbox."

But please don't ever think that any of us never "loose it." Gosh, no. We all have rotten days.


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## DaryLLL (Aug 12, 2002)

Hehe! I had the pleasure of going on a few LLL campouts.

I saw just how human my GD friends were, IYKWIM. (We even drank...Coke together.)


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## kaya3 (Nov 30, 2001)

I ambig on apologizing if i find myself yelling or saying something i can't believe. the other day i wasn't feeling well, and ds hadn't washed his hands after going to the bathroom despite the fact that i had asked him to several times, and i just yelled....griffin wash your hands, how many times do i have ot ask you to do this, you are 4 years old, you should be able to wash your hands.
of course, after he did wash, i apologized, and we talked about how yelling at someone is never a good choice( we talk alot about good choices and bad choices in terms of every day life)
anyway, he said" that's okay mama, it was just an accident!"
he is the best!
anyway, we have all been there, i think, saying things we just can't believe. you are not alone!
krista


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