# It wasn't ever a baby. Oh my god. (UPDATE #42)



## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

I woke up this morning to discover that I had bled a little - maybe a tablespoonfull of brownish blood. My midwife had me go to the hospital for an ultrasound. I was 13w5d.

On the ultrasound, there was nothing that even looked like a baby. Just some masses and some things that looked like cysts.

It might be a blighted ovum, but it seems more likely that it's something called gestational trophoblastic disease, where the fertilized egg is nonviable and it grows into a tumor instead of a fetus. The majority of cases are benign, but they can also be cancerous. And even if it's benign and fully removed, it can come back as cancer.

I'm going to need a D&C, and then they'll do pathology analyses to find out what, exactly, we're dealing with. I might not know for a week or two.

I can't even begin to say how horrifying and awful and strange this is. It's... there was never a baby. I had every reason to think that there was. I had a positive pregnancy test. I had the full range of first trimester symptoms. I saw the midwife just last week, and she said my uterus was sized perfectly for dates. But it was all a cruel joke.

I don't even know what to call this. I feel like I've lost my baby, but there never was a baby. I'm grieving, but there isn't anything that died. My whole pregnancy has been a fraud. I'm not sure it's even okay for me to post here, because everyone else lost a real baby and I was just cheated.

I feel so awful. Everything has turned upside down. I thought I was safely out of the first trimester and doing beautifully. Now I may be a cancer patient - I don't even know.

I don't even know what to say or do. I am so lost. This doesn't even feel like my life.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

Oh my goodness... I don't know what to say, but I couldn't read and not post. I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through. I can not even imagine how surreal it must all be for you.

I truly hope everything works out okay on the cancer front. How awful to have your loss compounded by fears of cancer or other health issues.









Peace, Light and Healing to you, Rivka. I will light a candle for you this evening.


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

I am so sorry.


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## Specialksw03 (Oct 13, 2005)

i'm so sorry. it sounds like a molar pregnancy. you have the right to mourn. you had plans and dreams for this pregnancy. hugs to you


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## youthpastormama (Mar 24, 2007)

I am so sorry. You have every right to mourn and feel loss. You had hopes and dreams and plans - and now you have pain and loss and uncertainty. I am so sorry for you, and I hope you will find answers soon.


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## TayTaysMama (Oct 16, 2007)

I am so sorry. You have every right to feel cheated. You are not alone in feeling that way. I am at the point in my grieving that I feel just like you do. I wonder why I felt so pregnant and had such horrible ms when there never was a baby. I don't know what else to say. I just wanted to tell you that you have every right to feel the way you do.


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## zoie2013 (Mar 31, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand your feelings of being cheated out of your pregnancy. There is loss, all the same. Hopes and dreams for your little one are gone. And you will need time to grieve. The wonderful, supportive group of ladies in this forum, also going through grief, are here for you in whatever way you need to rant, rave, cry or deal. They've helped me tremendously in ways that even those closest to me irl couldn't understand.









I'll be sending healing thoughts your way. Please let us know, as much as you are able, how you are and how the test results come out.








for your little one


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## mimiharshe (Oct 16, 2006)

So sorry mama. I had a friend who had a similar situation and she felt the same. You are totally in the right to feel how you are. How awful for you. Please know you are not alone, you are loved and there is support. ((((hugs))))


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

One of the cool things about pregnancy is that it's a time to dream and think of the future. I'm sorry that today's news has made that dreaming maybe feel like it wasn't okay to do.
I don't make the rules, but it's still the loss of a baby to me - you are pregnant.

Do you know what typically happens next? The d&c, then blood draws every few days to watch your hcg levels fall to zero. As long as they keep going down, you're in the clear. It can take a few months to return to zero, so you might ask if your midwife can draw those to avoid having to trek to the ob/gyn office.


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## Evenstar (Sep 20, 2007)

how awful for you! I am so sorry.








and healing thoughts to you


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## Sioko (Feb 3, 2007)

s

Other than worrying about cancer I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Sort of, in my way.

I've had three m/c the first being a blighted ovum and the other two being ectopic. In each one there was "no fetal tissue found" on the pathology report. So I think, "I didn't lose anyone." that's logical. But my heart says I have. I mourn them. Then my head says, "Technically no one was there." and then I wonder if when I die if I'll meet the three I lost and have to explain to them, "I didn't grieve you because technically..." KWIM??

I think losing a child of the heart is just as terrible and sad as losing a child of the womb. You do have every right to grieve. I hope everything works out as far as the possibility of cancer goes and you don't have it, and that your womb heals completely. I know it will take longer for your heart to heal though. I'm sorry.







s


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so so sorry for your loss.







Like a previous poster said I think it sounds like a molar pregnancy as well. You could google that to get more information when you are ready. My thoughts are with you. Please keep us updated when you feel ready.


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## RedPony (May 24, 2005)

Sioko;10438836I think losing a child of the heart is just as terrible and sad as losing a child of the womb. [/QUOTE said:


> Oh my gosh, I totally agree with this. I'm so sorry this happened to you, sweetie...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Big







mama.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry. Please take care.








s


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

I'm so crushed and heartbroken for you!







It's obviously such a shock...you have every right to mourn your baby - the baby that was conceived and grew in your heart, the baby that you grew to love so much. Don't deny yourself that, mama.

Thinking of you...hoping you find some peace...


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Big hugs to you. I think you have every right to grieve & feel what you'e feeling. I wish you much peace, love & healing


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## 2 in August (Jan 6, 2006)

I am so sorry. You have every right to grieve. Somebody was there in your heart and you already loved that little being and now they aren't with you anymore.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)




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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amydoula* 
I am so so sorry for your loss.







Like a previous poster said I think it sounds like a molar pregnancy as well. You could google that to get more information when you are ready. My thoughts are with you. Please keep us updated when you feel ready.

Thanks.

A molar pregnancy is one type of trophoblastic disease - the "best" kind, actually, because it's benign. (Although in 20% of cases it comes back after the D&C as cancer.) There are other types that are already cancerous. I have been Googling like crazy already.

Waiting to hear back from the midwife. I'm bleeding more today, and worried about having a miscarriage and emergency D&C over the weekend if we can't get the procedure scheduled today. (A natural miscarriage with a molar/trophoblastic pregnancy is very dangerous, so it has to be a D&C.)

I had to go to the drugstore to buy big overnight pads for the bleeding, and to get to the pads I had to walk down the baby aisle. It was the most awful thing. I was holding it together until then.


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## joshs_girl (Dec 8, 2006)

I am so so sorry for your loss, because you did lose a lot


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## texaspeach (Jun 19, 2005)

I'm so sorry


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## happylemon (Nov 5, 2006)

I am so sorry, you have a right to grieve. Prayers for your health.


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## happylemon (Nov 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rivka5* 

I had to go to the drugstore to buy big overnight pads for the bleeding, and to get to the pads I had to walk down the baby aisle. It was the most awful thing. I was holding it together until then.

I am so sorry


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## Olerica (Nov 19, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## ChesapeakeBorn (Jun 23, 2007)

Oh, my heart breaks for you. As Katherine (joshs_girl) said, you _have_ lost so much. May you find peace, comfort, and strength.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

It was real to you, and you have every right to be grieving.








I am wishing you good health.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Thinking of you! I'm so hoping you can get in today. Sending you peace.


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

even without the baby, you had the dream of a baby, the days and days if imagining the future with this baby.
in the days before ultrasounds many of us would never know, and the loss would still be as legitimate and painful.
take care. i am so sorry for your loss.


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## labortrials (Aug 7, 2007)

s to you. I can only imagine how you must feel right now. Maybe there wasn't technically a baby there, but I still mourn your pregnancy loss.







s


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## always hope (Feb 2, 2008)

i am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am new here and was searching for threads related to exactly what has happened to you. Last August I was diagnosed with a partial molar pregnancy at 17 weeks. It was this late due to me choosing not to have any scans.

I felt just like you, and still do to a certain extent. I felt my whole pregnancy was a fraud and very humiliated. I was very disturbed by the fact that there was some fetal growth but I didn't and still don't know what that meant and found it very hard to process whether I had really lost a baby. It didn't matter that people told me I had, I still felt that was just making things up so that it was a bit easier to understand. I still flip between the two and I think that is normal.

I want to affirm your right to grieve for everything you have lost, but also say that it is different from other losses as the medical facts make the process of healing so complicated. It took about 10 weeks for my HCG to get to 0 and I am still having blood tests to make sure it stays there. Hopefully in April we will be able to try again.

I was very lucky to have free counselling though my hospital. It has been invaluable as everyone else seems to move on but it is a slow process and you need people to talk to.

My prayers are with you and your family. Life is so random sometimes and I hope you have many shoulders to cry on. I hope the D&C is uncomplicated and you get the pathology results quickly. I do recommend doing some research on the net as the guidelines for waiting and monitoring HCG vary and there are some studies which indicate you need to wait for a much shorter time than is often recommended. I also recommend pushing for a follow up scan after the D&C so that you know you are clear and have one less thing to worry about.

Nothing can make this okay so do what you need to do and be gentle with yourself.

If you want to contact me please feel free.

Much love to you.


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## skybluepink02 (Nov 9, 2005)

I'm so sorry. I lost my pregnancy only a week after my positive test. They never saw anything on the ultrasound, so I don't know if there was ever a baby either. It's still incredibly painful and I'm keeping you in my thoughts.


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## geek_the_girl (Apr 12, 2006)

I am so sorry


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)




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## mesa (Aug 19, 2006)

I'm so sorry. I, too had a molar pregnancy last March. I was 10 weeks when we found out. It took months for my levels to return to normal. I think I reached negative in July. It is a scary diagnosis, and pretty rare, but there is research being performed right now that is reducing wait times from 1 year (from negative) to 6 months from negative, and now, some researchers are saying that if you drop to pre pregnancy levels (hCG) by 7 weeks post D&C, you only need to wait 3 months. I waited 6 months from D&C...you will have to read the research when you are ready and decide with your doctor what you are comfortable with personally.

If you would like to chat with some other molar moms, please feel free to visit the Molar Pregnancy board at Babycenter. It's a vibrant, active community of women in all stages of recovery, from just diagnosed like you, to waiting, to TTCing, and even those of us who are pregnant again. There's a very useful thread at the top of the page that lists all the most current research. http://boards.babycenter.com/n/pfx/f...ag=bcus1143021

You have suffered a loss that is unique. Please don't feel like you failed. What you are grieving is the loss of a dream, and that hurts like he**. Now you face a scary treatment and such a long wait that it feels like you'll be waiting forever. Just know that the odds are on your side. All my love and warmest hugs to you, mama.


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## maryjane (Jul 13, 2004)

Oh mama!







. I am sorry.


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## mesa (Aug 19, 2006)

I also wanted to say something about you gestational trophoblastic disease diagnosis. I assume your doctor is the one who told you this term. Please know that the majority of average OB/GYNs have only seen 1 or 2 cases in their entire careers. In my research, GTT is only diagnosed after your D&C, and when it has been determined that your levels aren't falling as they should, and then you will need either a repeat D&C or some mild chemo agents. It sounds like from your description that you may have a complete mole. Please feel free to PM me whenever you want, ok?

Big, warm hugs to you again, mama.

Misti


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## JamSamMom (Apr 17, 2007)

I am so sorry you have every right to post here and grieve for the pregnacy you lost. I had an oblighted ovum and it was incredibly painful and I still think about the 2 year old I should have sometimes. I am sorry


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I am so sorry, mama.









I remember being so shocked/hurt/devasted when the doctor said, "if there ever was a baby it was the size of the end of this pen." I think it was devastating because it had me questioning my own perceptions. I had had such a strong sense of a baby spirit and such a strong connection with it. That sense of its presence had seemed to disappear or lessen at the time the gestational sac was later said to have stopped growing. I eventually came out of the sense of devastation to realizing that I was part of something so much bigger than myself--the whole process of life and spirits. It is so amazing to be women and to play such a signinficant part in that. I realized that maybe we humans don't know exactly what makes a baby--in other words the physical and the spirit babies are two different things. I hope that makes some sense and that you come to whatever meaning works for you.

My best wishes to you.


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

Seventeen days after my D&C, the pathology report is still not back. That's the bad news.

Fortunately, though, that's the *only* bad news. Based on the way my hormone levels have been dropping like a stone, taken in context with the immediate experience of the D&C, my midwife is certain that what I had was a blighted ovum - even though the ultrasound originally looked more molar.

My HCG level as of Friday was a stunning 33, down from 190 the Friday before. (I don't know what it was the night of the D&C.) We have high hopes that it will hit zero sometime this week. My pelvic exam showed that everything is getting back to normal physically - my uterus and ovaries feel normal, my cervix is closed, and the color changes from pregnancy are going back to normal.

She told us that we can start trying to conceive again as soon as I've had a couple of normal cycles. If I get pregnant again, we'll monitor the pregnancy more intensely next time: HCG levels beginning at the positive test, progesterone levels, an ultrasound at 7 or 8 weeks. I have to admit that I'm so relieved. Intellectually, I'm a big believer in low-tech pregnancies. Emotionally, I know I'll be a total basket case if I manage to get pregnant again, and I'll need every possible bit of evidence that things are okay.

Needless to say, I'm still very very sad. (*Wow* was it hard to be back in my midwives' office.) But it's a big relief to know that there isn't anything horrible hanging over my head. There's no physical aftermath to a blighted ovum pregnancy. No long and frightening period of monitoring, like there would've been if it was trophoblastic disease/a molar pregnancy. We can just focus on the long, long job of picking up the pieces emotionally.

So: sad, but thankful.

Thank you all, so much, for your kind and supportive comments.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rivka5* 
Seventeen days after my D&C, the pathology report is still not back. That's the bad news.

Fortunately, though, that's the *only* bad news. Based on the way my hormone levels have been dropping like a stone, taken in context with the immediate experience of the D&C, my midwife is certain that what I had was a blighted ovum - even though the ultrasound originally looked more molar.

My HCG level as of Friday was a stunning 33, down from 190 the Friday before. (I don't know what it was the night of the D&C.) We have high hopes that it will hit zero sometime this week. My pelvic exam showed that everything is getting back to normal physically - my uterus and ovaries feel normal, my cervix is closed, and the color changes from pregnancy are going back to normal.

She told us that we can start trying to conceive again as soon as I've had a couple of normal cycles. If I get pregnant again, we'll monitor the pregnancy more intensely next time: HCG levels beginning at the positive test, progesterone levels, an ultrasound at 7 or 8 weeks. I have to admit that I'm so relieved. Intellectually, I'm a big believer in low-tech pregnancies. Emotionally, I know I'll be a total basket case if I manage to get pregnant again, and I'll need every possible bit of evidence that things are okay.

Needless to say, I'm still very very sad. (*Wow* was it hard to be back in my midwives' office.) But it's a big relief to know that there isn't anything horrible hanging over my head. There's no physical aftermath to a blighted ovum pregnancy. No long and frightening period of monitoring, like there would've been if it was trophoblastic disease/a molar pregnancy. We can just focus on the long, long job of picking up the pieces emotionally.

So: sad, but thankful.

Thank you all, so much, for your kind and supportive comments.

I am so glad things are looking good!


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

I felt like that when I found out my baby had stopped developing, I know its is a little different, but not so much in that we both thought we had healthy babies growing inside but didn't. We did get cheated certainly. It is shocking, it isn't fair, it does feel completely surreal. It made me feel a disconnect with God but then like I wanted to see the reason for it at the same time. I put out the word that I did not want to talk about it and the word spread. I couldn't bear repeating it or telling the details. I took lots of hot baths, read some books on the subject, slept in as long as I wanted, just stayed home and enjoyed my son. My trips out were a wreck, lots of crying, so I took it slow. I only write this because maybe one of these might resonate with you, in any case hugs!


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## WeasleyMum (Feb 27, 2007)

I'm so sorry for you loss.









Just because what you lost didn't look like a baby doesn't make your pregnancy a fraud; losing the _idea_ of your pregnancy is a real grief, regardless. My first miscarriage was a blighted ovum, too... they never told me that but after reading and researching I eventually figured it out on my own.


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## cyncyn (Nov 19, 2004)

Hugs mama and glad things are looking up a bit. I had a blighted ovum m/c in 2006 and it was so hard. I felt so attached to my baby! Then my mom, trying to be helpful, tells the entire extended family in an e-mail that I hadn't been pregnant at all, after all. Ugh. Yes, I was pregnant thank you very much! And yes, I am grieving a loss so please don't blow it off, like I was mistaken about being pg.
Hope your reports come back clear...


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I'm sorry for your loss- and the complicated nature of everything. Glad you are healthy and I wish you emotional healing.


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## JWhite31 (Feb 22, 2005)

I was just lurking this forum, saw this post and wanted to respond. I can understand somewhat how your feeling. I just lost my third pregnancy to a blighted ovum. I didn't find out until I was 12 weeks at our first ultrasound and I just had a D&C this past Monday.

Even though it wasn't physically a baby that you lost...it was a baby in your mind. YOu planned and prepared for that baby just like you would have if it HAD Been a baby in there. That IS a loss and you have every right to grieve.

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Many T&Ps to you. I'm so sorry.


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