# Ten things NOT to say to a women who just had a loss



## stayathomecristi (Jul 7, 2004)

Hi everyone, I am on a perinatal loss committee at our local hospital. We are working toward educating physicians and other caregivers about miscarriage. On Monday, a couple of the ladies are meeting at the hospital with caregivers and I thought it would be a good idea to make some suggestions as to what they should say and should not say to a woman who has a loss. Because they see miscarriage every day, a lot of them have become desensitized to what we go through and sometimes say thoughtless things. I want to share with them what is helpful to hear and not helpful.

Please give me some suggestions for both!

Here's my contribution to get us started:

"You're young, you'll have kids. Just try again in a couple of months."


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## aimeemac (Apr 17, 2002)

*It probably was for the best, it wasn't meant to be
*At least the baby wasn't older and you were really attached


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## Ravenmoon (Mar 2, 2002)

My favorite came from my dh right after my miscarriage.

It wasn't even a baby yet.


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## Helen White (Aug 19, 2004)

I don't know if my experience even counts. I was having heavy bleeding and was told I was having a miscarriage, but I ended up having a healthy 10 pound baby out of that pregnancy. But during the time I thought I was losing the baby, I was told some things that didn't help at ALL. A couple that bothered me the most were "At least you know you can get pregnant now" and "There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway."


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## stretchmark (Apr 10, 2003)

I got the "There was probably something wrong with the baby" thing and while it may be true in some cases, it didn't soothe me.

I am guessing that acknowledging the loss would be better and if they can't say that very well then just don't offer anything.

I think they don't mean to hurt us. I think nurses and doctors want to offer something and so they go for something that they think might getting us looking up again.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Oh, it sounds like a blighted ovum, not even a real pregnancy.


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

A friend of mine went thru about 10 years of infertility & when she miscarried, the doctor said to her "lots of women have miscarriages". Another favourite of mine from the medical profession is talking about my loss over my head whilst I was concious by the medical term of "abortion".

This may be a bit woo woo for hospitals but the most single helpful thing with my losses was having reiki. It made such a difference I cannot say. Maybe you should send your nurses or whomever deals with the ladies with losses on some reiki courses.


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## Meli65 (Apr 29, 2002)

I had a very early miscarriage, and I hated when people referred to it as a "chemical pregnancy." It seemed to devalue my feelings.

Also, I used the homeopathic remedy ignatia for grief, and it worked well.


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

I think most doctors struggle with giving the facts and not causing the patient anymore pain. I was so blessed with my OB, who is an incredibly sensitive and wonderful man. When I miscarried, he called the baby a fetus (and in a later conversation, he says that he trys to refrain from baby at that particular moment because he feels it causes more pain to the grieving mother). He also encourages grieving and justifys every emotion that you are feeling. He really takes the time to tell you he is sorry for your loss, what to expect hormonally and makes you optimistic for future pregnancies with statistical data.

I wish more OBs were like him!


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Are you only dealing with miscarriage, or also stillbirth and neonatal losses?
Don't use terms like "fetal demise" around the parents (or at all really).
Do say "I'm sorry for your loss" and "Here are some resources you might want to look into to help you with your grief process"

You should also look at the sticky at the top of this forum.


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

For me it would have been nice if the nurse in the recovery room even acknowledged why I was there (I had to have an emergency D&C). While she was very nice as far as she was concerned I was just in for 'surgery'. Nothing more and nothing less.


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## Sleepymama (Oct 9, 2003)

I have experience with NICU/newborn surgery as well as pregnany loss. In addition to what has been said:
Do not say:
--Everything happens for a reason
--God never gives us more than we can handle, oooh I hate that one. In fact, make no references to religion whatsoever.
--Do not suggest simple things, like "try to go for a walk everyday" when the situation is so overwhelming that that advice is ludicrous.
--You must be such a strong woman/mother/person. Yeah, like we have a choice.
--Do not refer to the miscarriage as "products of pregnancy" or "products of conception."
--Do not make mention of how many women have miscarriages and how "normal" it is.
--Do not make the woman repeat her story 50 million times to everyone who comes in the hospital room. Read the chart, hmmm???

DO say "I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope your healing will be gentle. Here are some resources if you feel you would like to talk to someone."


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

What I hated most was the "the fetus" That may be the medical term, but she was my daughter, and my baby. Also never say anything acusatory, the mother is already blaming herself, she doesn't need some one saying well did you eat something you shouldn't have.







: And please no "it was god's will" that doesn't help. Simple gestures like information on loss groups through the hospital, or pamphlets on grief are very helpful. The most important thing is to make the woman feel like a mother and to let her know that her grief is normal and justified.

eta: I wanted to reiterate the read the chart statement. Do not walk into the room of a woman whose baby was still born and say "so you had an early miscarriage" believe me it doesn't help.


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## cherubess (Oct 14, 2004)

I had friends/relatives saying "Never mind, you can have another one".

Luckily the mothering.com had some helpful advice and I was expecting well meaning (but jarring) advice from others.


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## MyCalling (Sep 1, 2004)

My mom "Well, now you can keep your figure longer." Then added "Your bikini will still fit this summer."


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MyCalling*
My mom "Well, now you can keep your figure longer." Then added "Your bikini will still fit this summer."









OUCH!!! And from your own mother??? Of course, my mother was the one that said that perhaps I should consider an abortion when she found out I was pregnant 2 months after my miscarriage, to avoid any heartache... do they lose compassion with age???

ETA: Iris, I completely understand how the term fetus would be incredibly painful for you! I don't think it's an appropriate term for a baby that was delivered. My m/c was pretty early, in which fetus did make it feel a little less painful, but if it would have happened after an u/s, in which it looked like a baby.... I would have been devastated if they called my baby a fetus


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

"You can always have another"
"At least you didn't get to know it yet."
"SOmetimes it's just for the best."
"Now God has an angel."
"It's God's will."
"Are you ok? / How are you doing?" - I hate these one because I always think in my head I am horrible, my baby died.
"Can I do anything for you?" - I hate this one too because no you can't, you can't bring my baby home.

I know some of these are repeats, but they bear repeating.
Gossamer


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

"Oh, it is so common (then give statistics) then add "Oh yes, I had one of those"..... and ramble with your own story. Because hearing that the other person had one - or two in order to trump you - does not help one bit. It feels like a total dismissal of what you are feeling at that moment in time. (unless it is really done by someone you know who really cares - my pediatrician for example, shared her story and it showed how much she identified. When a close relative told me that she'd had two, it just felt like one-upmanship and a dismissal of my feelings)

And READ THE CHART before coming boucing in the room and asking a patient why she's there!! This happened to me twice with the cheery-oh-so-cheery nurse at my midwife's office. "Oh, so, what are you here for today then?"


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

I think that doctors should keep in mind that these women are NOT patients - they are people. That may help them to be a liitle more thoughtful aboout what they say. Even when the "right" thing is said, it doesnt help when it still sounds clinical - know what I mean?


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## stayathomecristi (Jul 7, 2004)

everyone for your responses, please feel free to keep them coming as I will check this thread again before I leave for my meeting (about 12:00 pm EST, on Monday).

Britishmum--I can relate to your story. I went to my doc's office for my follow-up after the D&C and the receptionist asked me (in front of several very obviously pregnant women) when my Due Date would be. When I shifted from foot to foot and finally told her that I no longer had a due date, she then blamed ME that no one notified her that I had had a miscarriage. She told me that I should have called to change my appointment from a pre-natal to a follow-up after loss visit. Go figure...


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## crayon (Aug 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MyCalling*
My mom "you can keep your figure longer." Then added "Your bikini will still fit this summer."



















I have never been in the shoes to hear the comments but I would think that nurses and docs dont know what to say, and if they say something that makes a mother and/or a father break down and cry they dont know what to do. So they say what they *think* will get you looking ahead- even if it doesnt work and only hurts you they dont mean too. But why cant a nurse or a doc ask you "how would you like to honor your baby?" and then give ideas, a tree, a special box of memories, photos if able- and so on. This may help the mother and father heal, and not feel like it was *just a M/C* It was a life.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Helpful things our dr/hospital staff did:

--held my hand when he told me my baby had died
--asked me if I wanted to tell dh when he arrived, or should he, and then hugged my dh
--gave strict orders that I was not to be moved to the mother/baby ward after delivery and put me in the room farthest away from there and the nursery (so as not hear crying babies); I stayed in the birthing room until I was discharged
--scheduled my pp checkup and another at 3m pp (I think they were checking mental health, it was a how are you doing visit)
--let me hold my baby right away and for as long as I wanted; when they did the external exam on her, they kept her under the warmer so she stayed warm longer
--offered to let dh cut the cord
--warned us that there would be no baby crying and prepared us for the silence (sounds obvious, but it is amazingly jarring to hear...nothing)
--asked her name after delivery
--wrapped her and held her and talked to her like a baby
--allowed me as much medication as I chose (the nurse said I only had to feel as much as I wanted to)
--gave me a prescription for sleeping pills in hospital and for home
--gave us a memory box with footprints, handprints her gown, hospital birth certificate and bracelets, took pictures, a book on pregnancy and infant loss, and gave us info on support groups
--told me I did a good job after delivery
--cried with me
--told us how pretty she was


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I'm so happy to see the medical profession doing this. Please extend to those at the meeting that their effort is appreciated.
They've all been said, but I figure you can emphasize the ones we all come up with









*The baby wouldn't have been normal (that doesn't mean I didn't want him or her)
*It was God's will (well then God must have a really nasty sense of humor)
*You can have more (hmmm, after 3 miscarriages, yeah I can have more miscarriages!)
*I hated when someone said fetus--from the minute I got that second line--it was my baby-nothing else--and no calling it an embryo or a fetus doesn't make it easier for me
*this last time I had already met my excellent OB she told us over the phone after having left a message with her home # to call her--she told me to call her any time day or night, when I went in for my d&c, I dont' think I noticed at the time, but I think about it, when she spoke to me, she would put a hand on my leg or my shoulder--without that I don't think I'd have "heard" her--that and women going through a loss just seem to be so "off limits" she treated me like I was still a human
*this one is for after, but when mom tries again, allow her whatever she needs to feel good about the pregnancy. I was given requisitions for betas to be done every other day for as long as I wanted, once I passed 12 weeks, I was told both by my doc and by the nurses in labor and delivery to come in right away if I was worried and they'd check for a heartbeat--I was never made to feel silly about that and it helped so much
*like Carrie said, cry with us, don't try to make us feel better, let us know it's just fine to feel like we do, acknowledge we had a traumatic loss, tell us where to get help, don't try to rush the greiving process


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## DMama (Feb 28, 2004)

I know I'm late jumping in here, but I didn't see my personal "favorite" yet, so here it is:

"You know, years ago, we wouldn't have even known you were pregnant." This for a m/c at 8-10 weeks.

I understand that years ago, we didn't have quick, super sensitive tests, and women didn't go to their OB's until they'd missed two periods, but surely, surely, many of them knew before their tests & doctors confirmed it that they were pregnant! (I sure did...)

AND, it's irrelevant how I would have felt if I'd been bleeding 40 years ago (whether or not I knew I was pregnant).

What did help me: kind, gentle touch which felt respectful of my body, assurances that I had not done anything to cause the m/c, and a genuine expression of regret for the loss--in my case, the radiologist used words I will always treasure: "We all hope for children who will grow up & go to school, but this one will not." Those words validated the realness of the little life that we'd lost and allowed me space for whatever grief I needed at the moment or later.


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## bella peregrine (Jun 19, 2004)

After a miscarriage at 16 weeks, I got the usual stupid comments already posted. But by far the most hurtful/insulting/invalidating was when women would launch into stories of their abortions. Tho I understand most women grieve abortion, it is still a choice they made. No-one would ever "choose" a miscarriage.

jess
mother of many


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