# Were YOU spanked as a child?



## Ruthla

Poll will be up in a few minutes.


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## GooeyRN

Yes, I was spanked with leather belts on bare skin.







I voted I was abused.


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## Logan's Mom

Yup. My father created a whip from electrical cords.


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## peacelovingmama

Nope, never. That I lack the impulse to hit my own children is likely due to the fact that hitting was never modeled for me. I am so grateful to my parents for making the decision not to hit us (despite the fact that they were both hit as children).


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## salmontree

When I was around 3 or 4, my mother started spanking me with a wooden spoon. Apparently my father didn't like this and one day he saw the spoon sitting out so he picked it up and spanked my mother pretty hard on her butt as she walked by and when she said, "OUCH! why did you do that??" He said sternly, "That's how Stephanie feels." She never spanked me again. Yay Dad!


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## ReuseCrafter

I voted abused too







I was actually taken away from my parents, and went into foster homes, a residential treatment center and a girls group home. Oh, and "protective custody" in juvenile detention. I got sent back to my parents at age 16 -- not a smart move on the part of the juvenile courts. I moved out and was emancipated at 17 when I graduated from high school.


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## Spark

My parents were very AP before that was a term. I coslept, selectively vax'd (they noticed I reacted to one & stopped entirely), child led weaned... and yet, when my parents got a divorce, I really think my father was struggling with parenting. I... okay, how to say this... got caught at 3 having "sex" with the neighbor boy. My father didn't know what to do. He spanked me and then later appologized. It was awful to be raised AP and then spanked. It was like my whole world was coming down on me.


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## smalltownmom3

I was spanked, but I certainly don't consider it abuse. And yes, I am just fine.


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## Storm Bride

I voted "other". I think I was spanked about 6-8 times throughout my childhood - nowhere near several times a year, but more than 1-4.


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## sarathan

I voted 1-4 times in my entire childhood, but I honestly can't really remember how much I was spanked. I know it wasn't alot. It was always out of anger though and it didn't teach me a darn thing, at least nothing positive.


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## NiteNicole

None of those really fit me. I was spanked occasionally, it was NOT my parents' only method of discipline, and I don't feel it was abuse. I'm not angry or resentful or damaged. And I don't spank.


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## angelcat

I picked spanked several times a year, but one of the options fit. It was only a few times a year, and it was not abuse.


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## Naughty Dingo

I was spanked often with a wooden spoon or hairbrush. In the past I have never considered it abuse, but if I did it to my kids I would consider it abuse.......

ND


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## Phoenix_Rising

I voted never, but I do remember my brother and my sister being spanked with a wooden spoon.


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## phathui5

I voted 1-4 times. I don't remember my brother ever being spanked, so either my mom decided it didn't work or my brother just never got in trouble.


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## mwherbs

belts, hands, shoes, sticks, fly swatters, brushes and not just spanked slapped backhanded shook,held down and forced to eat things or else be stabbed, things thrown at us all in anger and often in drunken anger- that is abuse
only one broken bone for me ---
my brother had a fork that was thrown at him stick into his foot -luckily none of the knives stuck...

our younger sister was not hit but watched all this - made her crazier trying to stay in the never get hit zone...

I decided to never hit my kids because of my experience- and it was tough in the begining because I did have the feelings the overwhelming feelings and there was really no help out at the time- I had a LLL friend of mine tell me if I shared my feelings with others they would not associate with me! for many around me it was easy because they did not have the background- I found being at LLL meetings and other parenting support groups to be invaluable.


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## treemom2

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sarathan* 
I voted 1-4 times in my entire childhood, but I honestly can't really remember how much I was spanked. I know it wasn't alot. It was always out of anger though and it didn't teach me a darn thing, at least nothing positive.

Me too and I remember most of the time it just didn't make any sense to me! My older brother however was abused by our bio dad. . .we were treated very differently.


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## 2much2luv

I was spanked regularly, not abused. I struggle with the urge to spank my own children.


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## Alexander

never spanked. Mum told dad right after they were married, "raise a hand to me or the kids, we leave. No second chances."

We were never spanked. Dad got real angry sometimes when we outwit his point, or talked back, or did not listen. But it was good for hime to "undo" his own spanked chilhood.

come to think of it, we were never punished in any way what-so-ever. Guess that is why we are all so successful in our adult lives.

as


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## moppity

I was spanked a few times (according to my Mum) moreso as a 'reaction' than anything else, she has since said that she cried more than I did.


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## lioralourie

sister and I were 6 and 4. Mom and Dad went out, something they did VERY rarely. We had a babysitter, and were not being watched carefully. We went upstairs to play.

We decided to "make green play doh" out of prell shampoo (hey, it's green!) and some cheap cologne of Dad's in a green bottle, and loads and loads of baby powder. We got them ALL over the hardwood floors upstairs, in all the bedrooms, etc.

We had a choice, to give up Halloween trick or treating, or to get our one and only spanking and still be able to go trick or Treating. Well, we chose the spanking, duh!

I don't recall the spanking. But I do recall hearing my sister getting hers and it made me mad as hell. I hated my father at that moment even though I'm sure the "spanking" was really tame.

Our parents were pretty progressive, really, we were lucky.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X

I was spanked not tons but plenty of times but I in no way shape or form consider myself to have been abused.


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## Roxswood

I was spanked fairly often as a child. I don't consider it to have been abuse, but I do consider it to have been insensitive and ineffective parenting. I wasn't a naughty child, I never needed spanking and would have always made a much bigger effort to behave if my Mum had just talked to me about why we didn't do something than the times she spanked me. That just made me feel unhappy and bullied and I wanted to do mean things afterwards.


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## because

I was hit regularly - butt, face, arms - but never hard enough to be called physical abuse. I was a spirited child and now I totally get how Mom lost her temper. However, it taught me early and well that to get what you want or when you're mad, it's OK for big people to hit little people. So unfortunately, my little brother got it from me...

Before we had kids I swore I would never, never hit my kids. Well, now I have a spirited DD and I understand Mom better than ever. BUT, I have kept my promise for four, crazy years and have never hit her (or even been close to the edge).

It ends with ME! Yay!


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## luv my lil pearl

I chose other -- I wouldn't say that I was spanked "several" times a year -- but I was spanked more than 4 times in my life.

I would say I was spanked maybe a "few" times a year...some years not at all.


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## AppleCrisp

Yep, mostly with a wooden spoon. And it was totally ineffective....just made me sneaky and confused. I knew it wouldn't hurt that bad so I would just do whatever I wanted knowing that the spanking was coming but I didn't care.


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## herbanmama

Abused; Hair-pulling, kicking, whipping with switches, belt (buckle of course), spoons, paddle, hairbrush (or beaten in the head with it), force-fed, slapping, punching, slammed into walls, doorways, etc.

...Though my mother seems to have a very selective memory of our (myself and siblings) childhood, and denies that it ever went that far. The last time I tried to discuss it with her, she got very angry and accused my sister and I of exaggerating and playing the 'victim'.


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## talk de jour

Yes, and I consider it abuse.


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## Canadianmommax3

I remember once i was spanked on my bare butt in front of my brother, they made this whole production of it being done, and right in the kitchen!!
Once with a belt for leaving my belt in my pants and throwing them in the laundry. Those are the only two times i remember. I do recall both my mother and stepmother slapping me across the face at seperate times.

My stepmother and father where both teachers so i had to write out what i had done wrong a hundred times, this was more common or getting the silent treatment or not getting dinner for a week or having to stand in the kitchen until i would apoligize for something, (i was so stubborn i would stand there for hours)


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## Canadianmommax3

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lioralourie* 
sister and I were 6 and 4. Mom and Dad went out, something they did VERY rarely. We had a babysitter, and were not being watched carefully. We went upstairs to play.

We decided to "make green play doh" out of prell shampoo (hey, it's green!) and some cheap cologne of Dad's in a green bottle, and loads and loads of baby powder. We got them ALL over the hardwood floors upstairs, in all the bedrooms, etc.

We had a choice, to give up Halloween trick or treating, or to get our one and only spanking and still be able to go trick or Treating. Well, we chose the spanking, duh!

I don't recall the spanking. But I do recall hearing my sister getting hers and it made me mad as hell. I hated my father at that moment even though I'm sure the "spanking" was really tame.

Our parents were pretty progressive, really, we were lucky.

oh that reminds me, one year i didn't do well on my report card(again) and i had to chose between not having my birthday or Christmas (my birthday is 3 days before christmas) so i chose not to have a birthday that year.


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## ashleyhaugh

i was abused abused by my dad and spanked by my mom.... to me there is a difference. mom smacking your butt for something you did is one thing, (i was spanked, but not often, and i dont remember any specific incidents) dad punching a 7 yr old and leaving bruises, or hitting me so hard in the face it felt like he knocked my jaw loose when i was a teenager, or beating my sis with the buckle end of a belt when she was like 13 because she said she was too sick to go to school is something entirely different


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## thismama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GooeyRN* 
Yes, I was spanked with leather belts on bare skin.







I voted I was abused.









Me too. Man, those leave some marks, eh?


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## thismama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NadiaLadida* 
...Though my mother seems to have a very selective memory of our (myself and siblings) childhood, and denies that it ever went that far. The last time I tried to discuss it with her, she got very angry and accused my sister and I of exaggerating and playing the 'victim'.

Mine has done this too, when I used to try to talk to her about it. I think she sort of believes her own story. Funny thing, denial.


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## The4OfUs

I selected "Never", but my mom said one time when I was crawling age, still in diapers, I crawled practically into the (unlit) fireplace before she could get to me, and she swooped me up and swatted my diaper. Then she promptly cried for an hour, and never laid a hand on me again. I think it was a moment of pure instinct, because really my parents were like Mr. Rogers' clones for all the childhood and teenhood I can remember.

Sooo, I consider that "never".

There is a divide here in the GD forum regarding whether or not all spanking is abuse. I see varying degrees, and there is a grey area where it's hard to tell...at "best" (and I use the term best loosely - when done rarely, with a hand, over clothes), spanking is insensitive, ineffective, mean-spirited, and sends all the wrong messages to a child. At its worst, it's downright abuse. Personally, I see the difference, though I would NEVER condone hitting a child in any way. Just want to be SUPER clear about that - I do NOT in any way, shape, or form support hitting children in any manner.

Oh - and I refuse to believe that a child ever "deserves" to be spanked for something they have done. My DH says that he deserved every spanking he ever got.







I've done some serious deprogramming with him and our kids, though







. The only time I can accept anyone ever "deserves" to be hit is when they're attacking someone else, and the other person hits them in self defense...but I digress, that's another discussion.


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## gaialice

... but actually, I think it was just once. My mom totally lost it because I went on and on exasperating her for an entire afternoon about something I wanted her to buy for me that she wouldn't. She cannot remember this episode at all. She does not remember ever spanking me.


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## rootzdawta

I was spanked too but I don't think I would go so far as to say I was abused (although I wonder sometimes). I don't think I could ever spank my children in the way I was spanked but I do struggle (and succumb more often than I would like) with the urge to smack my toddler's hand away from things--cat litter, stove, fireplace tools, etc . . ., things I can't really put up that would really hurt him if he continued or when he is being super strong willed about things (like grasping and undoing my knitting and not letting go of it or kicking me when he doesn't want to get his diaper changed). I don't really know how to get him to stop these things when he's doing them.

I chose that I was spanked 1-4 times throughout my childhood but it may be closer to 6-8 times. I am talking about all-out spankings with a belt (very rarely) or with "Mr. DoGood" which was an old slipper of my father's or with a hand. My sister once got hit with the handle of a vacuum cleaner and my brother, well, I think he was abused. He is the most spirited of all of us. What was worse, though, to me, was the threat of being spanked which I was always in fear of. I did get other physical "disciplinings" such as my ear pulled when I wasn't listening/being obedient, smacked in the mouth for talking back or being rude, or just plain slapped if I did something out of sorts. I can't see myself doing any of these things to my children. I don't believe I needed it and I feel like it just made me very afraid and distrustful of my parents in that I always felt like I couldn't slip up and had to always be on my p's and q's around them because if not, they would snap. My parents were not playful in that way and our household was pretty much a serious and somber place where the focus was on education and religion--therefore discipline was very high on the list of priorities and we did not receive much more discipline than spankings or other physical things. I am now working on how to implement real discipline in my parenting style.


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## Smalls181

I was raised in a spanking family, but being "the good kid" I *only* got spanked twice, and I remember it vividly. Most of my siblings were spanked more frequently for "defiant" behavior, and it always made me so incredibly angry. I remember my older brother was definitely abused. I remember seeing bruises on his butt more than once.


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## beckyand3littlemonsters

*I was smacked a lot, but don't concider me being abused as it was for being bad eg me and a friend using my mums make up to decorate ourselfs and the bathroom, a friend of mine sticking paper in the fire so we could have a fire in the back garden and ending up burning a hole in the carpet.
i was never hit with anything other than a hand and really were for those who were. My mum did hit quite hard and i remember on more than one occasion been knocked over when she hit me and i would often put my hands up in deffence whenever she was angry.*


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## Ruthla

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
There is a divide here in the GD forum regarding whether or not all spanking is abuse. I see varying degrees, and there is a grey area where it's hard to tell...at "best" (and I use the term best loosely - when done rarely, with a hand, over clothes), spanking is insensitive, ineffective, mean-spirited, and sends all the wrong messages to a child. At its worst, it's downright abuse. Personally, I see the difference, though I would NEVER condone hitting a child in any way. Just want to be SUPER clear about that - I do NOT in any way, shape, or form support hitting children in any manner.

That's why I placed on the poll "do YOU consider it to be abuse"- I wanted adults to recall their own experiences, and obviously many people were spanked but don't think of their parents as abusers.

I'm also starting to see a pattern. Those who were abused tend have very strong feelings about NOT hurting their children. These stronger feelings seem to prevent any kind of violence against their children- but when it does happen, they tend to feel absolutely awful and put a lot of energy into making sure it never happens again.

Those who were "only spanked" seem to have a harder time in the heat of the moment- I'm guessing that subconsciously, there's a feeling of "spanking isn't THAT bad- I was spanked and I turned out OK" and are more likely to lose control and spank or almost spank.


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## unimatrix0

No, I was never spanked. I remember distinctly one time being punished by having to stand in the corner. I remember it so clearly because it was so unusual in our household! I was never grounded either.
It's sad that I'm in the minority in this poll (so far).


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## nonconformnmom

I was spanked once, that I remember (my brother was spanked a lot). It was with the hand. The ironic thing is, most kids get spanked for doing things they KNOW are wrong. I got spanked for doing something that I thought would make my parents really happy. I let my girlfriend cut my hair (I was around 6 yo). Well, she cut my bangs right up against my head, but I didn't know - I thought my mom would LOVE my new look!







: I was all excited to go home and show her!









Imagine my shock when, instead of hugs and praise, I got my first spanking.









ETA: I have never laid a hand on any of my kids. My oldest is 19 and I never had even a moment of considering spanking or smacking her.


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## SandraS

My parents never laid a hand on me. I was the youngest of four - I don't know about the others.


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## mwherbs

funny thing about selective memory- now my mom remembers that dad hit us and unreasonably- she was NEVER hit growing up, in a house of 15 kids I might add. But she did shake me slapped hands away from things- watching what she tried with babies she was swatting cruisers - so 6 mo or so.She broke a brush on me, and shook me until some doctor or some article she read about brain hemorrhage and shaking-from then on she never did it and she would warn new moms about the dangers but never admit she did do it- I think that it is something that she did to her younger siblings when parents were not near by and she probably has tons of guilt over that. In any case my dad will admit he hit-beat us and is to some degree proud of it- thinks that is why I am not mentally ill like my sister. Since one tolerated the other's actions and stood by co-abusers. Saving graces- when I was very little we lived with my grandparents who had a different way and I remember that loss of moving away from the sane people- in any case they gave me seeds of self-esteem , that they tended and nourished when I saw them.


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## Al Dente

My brothers and sisters (10 siblings total) were all spanked regularly with a belt and with peach-tree switches they had to cut themselves.







That was my dad's way and, not to justify it but to put it in perspective, when Dad was a child (6 years old and up until he ran away at age 14), his father would take him out miles from home and leave him there to find his own way back as "discipline"; when he got back, he'd get a bruising spanking and then the incident would never be mentioned again. So I truly feel my dad thought he was disciplining in a much more correct fashion than he was punished .

I'm 11 years younger than my closest sibling. I remember 5 or 6 spankings total in my lifetime. My siblings all think I was spoiled, but only 2 of them have ever spanked their own children.

I don't spank and I won't hit and I'm not tempted to do so. My dh came from a non-spanking family and he DOES spank and is always tempted to go there first. So, IMO it's hard to make any correlation.


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## Paddington

I was spanked rather regularly but as my father and mother did not know any differently (figuring they did the best they could under the circumstances) I never considered it abuse. If I were to do it, knowing everything I know now, I would consider it abuse. Does that make sense?


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## nonconformnmom

Paddington, that makes a lot of sense. I would say that I feel the same way, now that you've articulated it so well.


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## thedevinemissm

I distinctly remember the phrase, "take off your glasses". My mom would say it right before she would hit me b/c she didn't want to break my glasses. I also remember regularly being "swatted" (I guess that makes the "hitter" feel better) by my mom & grandparents.

I was a very "strong-willed" child, so the hitting became harder & not just on my bottom. I also distinctly remember being hit with a brush and a shoe (different "incidences"). I didn't consider it abuse at the time b/c I thought I had to be covered in bruises or have broken bones to be abused. I ABSOLUTELY consider myself abused now...

I guess what sinched it for me not to hit my kids is that I cannot remember _*AT ALL*_ what I did to "deserve" any of the "punishments".

I cried the one time I slapped my DS's leg. I felt aweful. It's when I knew that just not wanting to hit wasn't enough ~ I needed to learn more about how to discipline. Now, I'm working on not yelling...







I think it is VERY difficult to implement GD with my kids b/c of my background. I am "reinventing the wheel" in some respects ~ especially since I didn't start at the beginning. KWIM????


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## WonderWild

I was abused. Verbally, physically. My mom would hit me wherever she could reach.


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## UnschoolnMa

I was spanked more than 4 times in my life, but I wasn't spanked several times a year so I couldn't really choose either of those options. I voted "other". I do remember being around 5 or 6 and getting a spanking with a wooden spoon, my mom's hand, my mom's friend's hand, and a belt once.







It was awful. It's not something I have ever really forgotten. That feeling of _"Why is my mommy doing this/allowing someone to do this?"_ sticks with a person.

It lessened up a lot as a I got older, but she did slap me once when I was around 12 or 13. She was stressed and I was being mouthy, but it still wasn't appropriate. I told her that her hitting me was wrong and if she ever did it again I would be forced to defend myself. It was a tense moment for sure.

She ended up apologizing for that slap pretty quickly, and then later for all the spanking that she'd done. She just didn't know what else to do. She was single, sick, poor, stressed, and often at the end of her rope in more ways than one. Plus, she'd been raised with pretty strict corporal punishment in a time that saw that sort of thing as totally normal. (The 50's and 60's) Those are definitely not excuses, but they are factors that I believe allowed spanking to happen.

I had my son when I was 15 and Dd when I was 17, and she was such a patient, gentle Grandma to them.







:


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## Viriditas

I chose "other" because I really didn't know how to answer. I vaguely remember being hit with belts and other objects as well as thrown, dunked under water in the bathtub, knocked against the wall, etc. when I was very young (like, 3 or 4). My mom was a young mother and had MAJOR anger management issues which she has improved immensely over the years. So I would say that I was abused in very early childhood. After my parents' divorce when i was 4 I remember a few less-harsh spankings, and they stopped all together by the time I was 6 or 7. My step-dad did on occasion slap my face when I was "giving him lip", the last time was when I was about 19 or 20! In retrospect I should have told him I was an adult and that he was assaulting me, but I didn't think to do that at the time.


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## Megali

I was spanked as a child a few times a year and slapped across the face as a teenager about three or four times. I don't consider the physical discipline my parents used to have been abuse but I also don't condone it or think that it was at all effective.


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## PNWmama

I only remember being spanked once in my life. I remember crying because I knew you were supposed to cry when you get spanked, but it didn't hurt. I do believe though that I was mentally abused by my father


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## charmander

Never spanked, by either parent.


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## AntoninBeGonin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rootzdawta* 
but I do struggle (and succumb more often than I would like) with the urge to smack my toddler's hand away from things--cat litter, stove, fireplace tools, etc . . .,

We have 4 cats and we've let Ds help us scoop litter since he first started walking. It took a lot of supervising at first but now he just grabs a scoop and goes to work right beside me. We make sure to wash our hands when we're done.









I taught Ds to not touch hot things by letting him touch the outside of a steaming cup of coffee. It wasn't hot enough to hurt him, but it made the point. As for showing him the stove is hot, I opened the door and crouched down with him on my lap so he could feel the heat. I held him tightly enough that he couldn't have fallen into the open door no matter what. Those lessons worked well for him. He's still careful around anything I tell him is hot.

We're very "libral" (for lack of a better word) with letting Toe touch anything he wants. The only exceptions are for very sharp objects. When he grabs something sharp enough to hurt him, Dh or I will hold the object while getting on his level and telling him, gently but firmly, that we need to have the item. He's not always happy about it and sometimes it takes a couple of minutes, but he always gives it up. He's also good about trading for something else novel but not as dangerous. Sometimes he'll grab an object that can't hurt him, but he can hurt something or someone else with it. For example, sometimes he'll try to hit the tv screen with the rolling pin. When he does that I steer him to the recliner and tell him he can hit it with the rolling pin as hard as he wants. It took about 3 months of really consistently redirecting him from trying to hit the tv but it (FINALLY!) sunk in







Now all he does is tries to drive his little matchbox cars on the screen









HTH,
~Nay,







as usual


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## AntoninBeGonin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nonconformnmom* 
I was spanked once, that I remember (my brother was spanked a lot). It was with the hand. The ironic thing is, most kids get spanked for doing things they KNOW are wrong. I got spanked for doing something that I thought would make my parents really happy. I let my girlfriend cut my hair (I was around 6 yo). Well, she cut my bangs right up against my head, but I didn't know - I thought my mom would LOVE my new look!







: I was all excited to go home and show her!









Imagine my shock when, instead of hugs and praise, I got my first spanking.










Oh, that is so sad! Here are some







for the little girl in you. Hey, I'm being totally sarcastic here, but did your mom realize your bangs would grow back out even without hitting you? I disagree with all spankings, but over hair? Come on









~Nay


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## lovebug

i was NEVER spanked! and i think i turned out ok! that is why i will not spank when i have kids!


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## libranbutterfly

I was spanked, but do not consider it abuse. I was mentally/emotionally abused, though







I have a hard time not hitting my 2 year old, I think it is a combination of my past, my DH arguing with me that "he was spanked and he was okay" and "your just saying that because of working in daycare" and I want to prove to him that gentle disipline will work and I get frustrated when it doesnt







I think if he would give it a trial run with me (i.e. Kamille get the same type of responces from me and him) mayb he'd see that it does work, but he wont. He even tells me to "SHUT UP" when I make suggestions to him (i.e. Kamille wants to play with daddy too, is there anywhy you can include her?) It is very frustrating and I put myself under too much stress to raise my kids the way I want to. I usually am able to stop myself and hit the floor or (more often) myself, but I doubt it does any good. I try to explain to dd that mommy was upset, but mommy should not act like that, afterwards. Mt little brother has never been spanked.


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## AntoninBeGonin

Quote:


Originally Posted by *libranbutterfly* 
I was spanked, but do not consider it abuse. I was mentally/emotionally abused, though







I have a hard time not hitting my 2 year old, I think it is a combination of my past, my DH arguing with me that "he was spanked and he was okay" and "your just saying that because of working in daycare" and I want to prove to him that gentle disipline will work and I get frustrated when it doesnt







I think if he would give it a trial run with me (i.e. Kamille get the same type of responces from me and him) mayb he'd see that it does work, but he wont. He even tells me to "SHUT UP" when I make suggestions to him (i.e. Kamille wants to play with daddy too, is there anywhy you can include her?) It is very frustrating and I put myself under too much stress to raise my kids the way I want to. I usually am able to stop myself and hit the floor or (more often) myself, but I doubt it does any good. I try to explain to dd that mommy was upset, but mommy should not act like that, afterwards. Mt little brother has never been spanked.

Your husband tells you to "shut up"?







: Okay, that got my panties in a wad.

Gentle discipline does work. It might not be as instantaneous as scaring a child with pain, threat of pain, or an angry screaming face but it does work and best of all, it keeps the child-parent bond strong. My son is 29 months old. He's never once been spanked, hands slapped, time-outed, etc. and EVERYONE who meets him is genuinely surprised at what a sweet, sensitive, giving child he is. Your husband's attitude sounds like a major problem. If he can't even take the time to have positive moments with your child, then how does he expect any discipline to work?

Have you been to Personal Growth yet? The people who hang out in there can help you with links for hitting yourself. I know how you feel, I'm working out anger issues of my own. In fact, the thread I started "Biting Again" might have some good links for you.









~Nay


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## ericswifey27

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roxswood* 
I was spanked fairly often as a child. I don't consider it to have been abuse, but I do consider it to have been insensitive and ineffective parenting. I wasn't a naughty child, I never needed spanking and would have always made a much bigger effort to behave if my Mum had just talked to me about why we didn't do something than the times she spanked me. That just made me feel unhappy and bullied and I wanted to do mean things afterwards.


That's how I feel about it too. I don't know exactly how much my mom spanked me, but it was more than the few occasions I do remember. I remember my mom chasing me around the kitchen table, trying to catch me so she could spank me. I remember big red hand prints on my arm where she hit me. Spanking was not effective at all. It just made me angry and afraid of my mother. I am still not close with her today.


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## minkajane

I was abused as a child. To this day, my parents believe they did what was right for us and was the one and only possible way to discipline. However, with an unmedicated bipolar mother and a father with a complete lack of anger management, discipling always equals beatings, in addition to groundings, taking away of privileges, etc, for a single transgression. I was beaten with a wooden paddle, wooden spoon, hands, leather belt, and plastic coathangers. I have had deep bruises, bloody welts, splt lips, bloody noses, boxed ears, etc. My parents didn't think it was abuse unless it was uncalled for (i.e. the child did nothing wrong) or left permanent scars, such as broken bones.

Unfortunately, the emotional scars still haven't healed. I still cry when I talk about how I felt as my dad sat on my chest, screaming at me to shut up and backhanding me across the face when I was fifteen. I don't even remember what I did wrong that time. It couldn't have been anything too bad. It was probably "backtalk," which my dad considered to be any words that disagreed with anything he or my mom said. We weren't allowed to have a different opinion or we were talking back. I was a good kid - I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, stay out late, have sex, skip school. I got good grades, went to church even though nobody else in my family did, and was involved in lots of extracurriculars. Of course, if you ask my mom, I was an out of control teen who slept around (lost my virginity at 18 to my future husband thankyouverymuchmom) and was just horrible. In her mind, I was out of control because I was out of HER control. At about 15, I stopped letting her know everything about my life just because she asked and she decided that I must be hiding horrible things.

I still fight my anger issues. When I get really frustrated I feel out of control and I tend to freak out. I scream, cry, and throw things. I've even hit my STBX. I have NEVER hit DS. I have stopped myself more than once from smacking his hand. I'm sure I'll be tempted to do more than that as he grows, but I hope I will be able to fight that and not hit him. My brother as well has always had anger issues, from a very young age, though his wife has helped temper that a lot, as well as being out of the house. My little sister was always the spoiled baby and got the least of the abuse, and has the fewest issues with anger.

I do have a good relationship with my dad, despite our past. He's a LOT better with his anger, especially since my brother and sister and I were out of the house. I've only seen him get really angry once in the past five years (for good reason that time!). My mother and I will never have a good relationship as long as she refuses to confront and seek help for her mental illness.

Every time I talk about this it turns into a novel, so I'll shut up now.


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## pookel

I was spanked occasionally, and I don't consider it inherently abusive. I do think it's ineffective, and that it tends to breed either deceptiveness or defiance in children who don't think they deserve to be hit.

There's an incident from my childhood that really sums up for me what's wrong with spanking and authoritarian parenting in general. I was playing with my dad's razor and cut my finger, not seriously, but enough to hurt and bleed a lot. I bandaged it and hid it from my parents and never told them ... because I knew I'd get in trouble if they found out.

Now, where's the logic in that? They try to keep me safe by punishing me when they think I'm in danger - and as a result, I'm afraid to go to them for help when I get hurt. I can't think of anything more stupid and counterproductive than that.


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## kate~mom

never spanked. i was smacked once when i was 13/14ish and acting like a B**** to my mother right to her face.


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## ErikaLeigh

I was spanked once in my entire life.

The more I think about it the more I say my mom was very AP!

I co slept. I don't remember many vax and my charts dont show it. I do remember almost being put in the hospital due to a shot.

She never spanked but she didn't bf.


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## KayasMama04

I was spanked as a small child and when I got older my mother occasionally slapped me. I don't think it was abuse..I was a terrible kid and had probably driven my parents to insanity.


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## Potty Diva

I remember being spanked once. I had followed a friend home from school instead of walking to the childcare center afterschool. We slid doen her staircase on a mattress and had a grand ol' time.

When my moher found me she was frantic. She spanked me with a airbrush and then called the police to tell them what I had done. I locked myself in the bathroom because I thought they would come and take me away. When the police officer came (to scare me?) they had to break the door down(why?). He tried to scare me with stories of missing children whose pictures were on the wall of the police station. I was 5 years old.


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## Potty Diva

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KayasMama04* 
I was spanked as a small child and when I got older my mother occasionally slapped me. I don't think it was abuse..I was a terrible kid and had probably driven my parents to insanity.

Oh mama. i am so saddened that you thought you were terrible. You wee NOT terrible. You wre a child. An innocent child who did not deserve to be hit by the people who should protect and nurture you.


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## mistymama

I was spanked one to two times a year, by my Mom, never my Dad. Overall they were very loving, caring parents and I have a very good relationship with them.

I just can't understand how she hit us. I slipped up once about 2 years ago and swatted my DS on his cloth diapered bottom .. he didn't even notice but I have horrid guilt about it to this day. I just don't see how people can spank their kids and live with themselves .. it feels so fundamentally wrong.


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## ewe+lamb

I was never spanked at home, but at my second school the music teacher hit us all on a regular basis although it was illegal







: so I voted 3/4 times in my life but never by my nearest and dearest!


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## EdnaMarie

I was only spanked by my dad, before my parents got divorced, when I was very young. It was only a few times... I wouldn't count it as abuse though I would FREAK OUT if my DH did the same to my daughter. I don't remember being hit. So sorry to hear about the people who were abused and repeatedly spanked. Hugs out to you...


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## Potty Diva

Misty,

I agree. I have spanked Kailey and I feel nauseous when thinking about it. I haven't hit her for quit awhile, but I still feel so guilty over and I realize AFTER the fact that there are others ways I could have dealt with the situation that DIDNT involve a power struggle which is what I think spanking boils down to.


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## myjulybabes

Abused. I think one can spank without crossing the line-- though it is terribly ineffective and disrespectful of the child--but when you move from an open handed smack on the bottom to hitting with objects, you've crossed the line. Sad to read here how commonly wooden spoons were used. Those suckers hurt! My mom talks very little about her childhood, but I strongly suspect she was abused too. She has grown and changed over the years, and seems to have gotten past it, my youngest brother didn't get it nearly as bad as I did, thank goodness.


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## wasabi

I was spanked as a child and I voted that I was spanked but honestly it's hard for me. Sometimes I think I was abused and sometimes not. I think mainly I feel like I'm being a drama queen if I say I was abused when there are people who *really abused* out there (that's of course my dad's voice saying that to me). When I was young I would say my parents at least used spanking effectively. There were very clear rules and if I broke one of them I knew I would get a spanking. I would have to think about whether or not doing something "bad" was worth a spanking. My parents proudly proclaimed that they would never spank in anger etc and I think it was relatively true. As I got older though and my parents had more kids something fell apart in that process. It pretty much became that it was only when my parents were angry that we got spanked. And we were pretty much never spanked with just a bare hand. There was a shoe polishing brush, a hardball paddle, belts, coat hangers and the ever popular switches you had to cut yourself. As I got even older and they then had the difficulty of having a child who would not just submit to a spanking then we got into hitting, hair pulling, being dragged to my room to the point that veins in my hand were broken etc. I was probably 18 the last time my mom hit me. She slapped my face for something "smart" I said and I smacked her right back. She was shocked and that was the end of that.

I was a pretty laid back child so I know that any number of discipline methods would have worked for me so the spanking rationally used "worked" for me. However my younger brother was very sprited and the spanking did not work for him ever. He was just mad about being spanked. My parents were also really big into an authoritarian "because I said so" type of parenting.

For myself DD#1 is very spirited and quite honestly I want to hit her all the time when she just pushes and pushes and pushes those buttons. I think I have only hit her once and it was when DD#2 was pretty little and DD#1 just started bitting her and wouldn't stop and in a panic I slapped DD's back trying to get her to stop biting the baby. She did but I of course felt bad about though I really didn't know what else to do to get her to stop. I have also given a few quick hair pulls when both girls would not stop pulling my hair. I mean in that instance of the hair pulling I could not get them to let go. Overall though I really strive to not have this in my parenting tool kit at all. It is important to me not to hit.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RacheePoo* 
I don't spank and I won't hit and I'm not tempted to do so. My dh came from a non-spanking family and he DOES spank and is always tempted to go there first. So, IMO it's hard to make any correlation.

This is my situation as well. For a long time Dh would state that he just really didn't think spanking was that big of a deal etc and I would point out that he couldn't really know not having been spanked but it was just discussion. However as DD has gotten older and more spirited and pushes more limits DH has not coped with it very well and there have been times that he's hit her. It's not even a spanking. It's one quick swat but I'm so uncomfortable with it and he knows it. Last night was one such night. DD turned and said "I'm going to tell on you!" And she then told me that DH hit her and I told her that I knew that and I didn't want Daddy to hit her and that I didn't like it or think it was a good thing. I told Dh that it would even be one thing to me if we had sat down and he in a calm state of mind had stated that he felt we should start spanking but he only does it when he's angry. He then "angrily" denied that he was angry and what was I a mind-reader etc. I pointed out that you didn't have to be a mind-reader because it was very obvious and he interrupted and "angrily" said "oh yes, yes because I'm such a moron." Um yeah hadn't said a thing at all about him being a moron which I pointed out. Anyway I honestly don't know what to do about it. He feels like if she doesn't stop doing whatever it is and then he gives her a swat and she does then it's ok and I just don't agree. At the same time I'm not going to leave him over it either. I think that would do way more harm than this very occasional swatting but yeah there you go a very long winded response to say I think it is way over-simplifying to say those who feel their spanking was abuse don't want to hit, those who think it was just spanking do want to hit and those who were spanked don't want to hit because they haven't even ever been exposed to it.


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## wasabi

Oh and I'm sure if I were to bring any of that up my mom would have amnesia over it just as many others here have experienced. I will say that she was a big fan of the "wait until your father gets home" school where the spanking was mainly relegated to him. She however was the primary hair-puller/slapper. Oh I did also forget to not the ever popular "vulcan neck pinch" for when we were acting up.


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## mowilli3

I was spanked regularly and I did not consider it abuse, but now that I am raising my own DC, I would never ever ever hit them or yell at them like that, out of such anger and creating so much fear for the sake of obedience. I don't spank, but I do talk a whole lot. Last night DD threw her plate off the table 3 times for a reaction. First we took her away from the table for a min. Then we turned away from the table for a min. Then I took her to her room and sat down on the floor with her and explained that she could not get what she wanted by throwing tantrums. We sat on the floor and she screamed. I waited for it to end and then I hugged her and suggested that we play duck duck goose. After a couple of rounds of the game, she ate some salad and meatballs and happily went to bed. If it had been my mom and me, after the first tantrum, she would have grabbed me by the arm and hit me repeatedly with a belt or whatever was within reach until I screamed and cried myself to sleep. There is no way I ever want my home to be filled with so much anger and hurt.


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## eldadeedlit

my mom spanked my once and felt terrible afterward.

however, she threw a frozen piece of meat at my brother and regularly got into fist fights with my sister. but she had them 15 and 20 years before me, respectively. she improved a lot with age.







:


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## Malva

Never spanked.


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## wemoon

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harpyr* 
When I was around 3 or 4, my mother started spanking me with a wooden spoon. Apparently my father didn't like this and one day he saw the spoon sitting out so he picked it up and spanked my mother pretty hard on her butt as she walked by and when she said, "OUCH! why did you do that??" He said sternly, "That's how Stephanie feels." She never spanked me again. Yay Dad!


WTG dad! That is awesome that your dad did this for you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
I remember being spanked once. I had followed a friend home from school instead of walking to the childcare center afterschool. We slid doen her staircase on a mattress and had a grand ol' time.

When my moher found me she was frantic. She spanked me with a airbrush and then called the police to tell them what I had done. I locked myself in the bathroom because I thought they would come and take me away. When the police officer came (to scare me?) they had to break the door down(why?). He tried to scare me with stories of missing children whose pictures were on the wall of the police station. I was 5 years old.

Ummm, scarey! That probably stayed with you for awhile...









Wasn't there some story not too long ago about a mom that called the police on her son for going through christmas presents before christmas? Said he was stealing since they weren't his yet. Let's just scare our kids into submission







:

I was spanked as a kid. I don't really remember how often, but I know it happened. I don't feel like I was abused. It also helps that my parents have since said that they don't feel that spanking is a good way to raise kids. It was their coded way of an appology, which I accept. I think after seeing how my kids are without the hitting, they realize that they could've done things differently.


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## JanB

My mom was in an abusive relationship with my first stepfather for about a year and a half. I was 6-7 years old. He beat me every morning with his belt, in addition to other abusive acts (not sexual, thank god).

After Mom left him, I was in a basically spanking-free home for the rest of my childhood, because she does not spank as part of discipline. I do remember two occasions in my pre-teen/teen years when she totally lost her temper and slapped me, but she felt awful about it afterward and I don't hold it against her.

I find that I often have to stop myself from responding physically to my children when they are pushing my buttons, and I wonder if it has something to do with the abuse I sustained during my formative years.







I've learned coping mechanisms so that I'm able to handle these feelings without actually hurting my kids, but it's still difficult to deal with and has really opened my eyes to what "the cycle of abuse" means.


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## MamaRabbit

I was abused. Spanking regularly transformed into abuse sessions including punching, spitting, kicking, etc.


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## LoveBeads

I was spanked once and I obviously never forgot it. I don't know what I did to "deserve" it so apparently it wasn't terribly effective.

My heart is so heavy reading all of these replies. This one in particular has got to be in the GD handbook for reasons why we should never spank:

Quote:

I was spanked as a small child and when I got older my mother occasionally slapped me. I don't think it was abuse..I was a terrible kid and had probably driven my parents to insanity.


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## xochimama

Both my sister and I were spanked. I remember feeling HUMILIATED, especially when my underwear was pulled down first. Usually my parents used their bare hands, but my mom came to love those wooden paddles with the elastic and bouncy ball-remember those? The perfect spanking tool. It got to the point where sis and I would hide our new toy because mom would rage toward us, snap the ball off and spank away.

There was a lot of yelling in the house, too. (It was dh who told me that that wasn't "normal" in his house. I was shocked!)

They also used love-withdrawal: go sit in such & such room until you are ready to come out and get a hug. Which, as a child, I always interpreted as, "You do not deserve a hug (ie: you are not worthy of love) until you comply with me."

Abuse? I can't answer that right now for myself...it is such a loaded term in my family...


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## CityChic

Wooden spoon. Do I think I was abused, no. Was one parent worse then the other, yes. Will I do this, probably not.

For me its the mental anguish of wondering. I don't want my children to be 30 and wondering if they should seek therapy. There are other ways to discipline children.


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## captain optimism

I wasn't sure how to answer this question. I do consider what my mom did abusive, but it wasn't exactly spanking.

My dad spanked me once, for lying. He was wrong--I didn't lie!--but there was a sense of formality about it that was reassuring, like it was really a punishment.

With my mom, she would just lose her temper and lash out physically, which was just terrifying. I don't think she ever really hurt me physically, and I see that some people here were hit with objects and sustained real physical damage. But I was frightened and I've never had a good relationship with her. I also think that some of my problems with math came out of this (she used to count the things that were wrong with me on her fingers.)

She finally stopped when I threatened to hit her back when I was in high school. I had to actually raise my arm!

What's remarkable is that she gives me parenting advice!


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## Llyra

My dad never spanked. I think my mother would have left him right then and there if he had. She believed strongly in not spanking. She did lose her temper once, when I was around 10, and slap my face after I'd said something particularly obnoxious to her. Honestly, at the time I remember not being particularly upset; I think I knew I'd pushed her beyond human endurance. But she herself was horrified, and apologized repeatedly, and still remembers the incident as one of her low moments. Other than that, I was not spanked.


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## kamilla626

A few times, open hand on the butt; when one of my parents were just at a loss of what else to do and I was just out of control. I commend them for (mostly) being gentle and patient parents. I was a handful.


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## PeacefulSeams

I voted abuse. I was made to go outside and pick out my spanking switch. If it wasn't the right height, flexibility, etc, I had to go get another one and got hit harder and longer. I was also spanked with belts and hangers. Afterwards, I was locked in the closet until I was "ready to listen" Thankfully that stopped when my mom left that guy but my stepdad spanked with a belt and his hand everytime we were in trouble. Everything warranted a spanking.


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## my_sweet_tears

I was spanked as a kid. but was never abused per se.
I was a good kid but when I was bad, I was BAD.
I deserved what I got, and I mean that.


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## TheDivineMissE

I was abused. Dad left bruises on me as a baby and tried to kill me at least once that I know of. Aside from that I was also spanked as a discipline tool by both my mom and grandma. They weren't abusive about it in the least though.


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## falcon

I was spanked several times a year as a child. It is the one area in parenting where I feel my wonderful usually gentle, very crunchy mama really goofed. My mom knows we do things differently with ds, and is very respectful of that. I'm not mad about it.


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## kallyn

My sister and I used to get swatted on the bum or the back of the hand by my mom, always with an open hand. I don't remember it ever hurting, and I definitely didn't feel abused. I don't feel like it really worked as a discipline method though...they were such light swats that I would do something that I knew was bad right in front of my mom, and just walk up to her and hold my hand out to get smacked, then go back to doing my business - it was like the little hand swat absolved me of all sins, ha. There was only once in my life where it was anything other than a light swat, but I deserved it. I was causing a GIGANTIC scene in public, and my mom slapped me across the face. Shut me right up, and she's never done it since.

My little brother is 10 years younger than I am, and I don't really remember him ever getting spanked. But my mother's parenting style changed a lot in 10 years, I think.

I think that when I have my own children I will have to struggle with not spanking them. It was such an integral part of my childhood, but I know firsthand that it doesn't work as a discipline method.


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## Storm Bride

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
Those who were "only spanked" seem to have a harder time in the heat of the moment- I'm guessing that subconsciously, there's a feeling of "spanking isn't THAT bad- I was spanked and I turned out OK" and are more likely to lose control and spank or almost spank.

In my case, it's not even that I "turned out OK". It's that it just wasn't a big deal. My mom did it a few times at the end of her rope (_really_ severe hormonal issues for several years after she had my sister). I didn't find it scary and the pain wasn't severe or a big deal. Looking back, she was probably a little bit out of control, but I never felt that way about it as a child - I think _that_ would have scared me...feeling that my mom had no control over her actions. I mean - she was mom!

Dad never laid a hand on me. Of course, he wouldn't, because that would have meant getting involved in a part of parenting that wasn't _fun_. He did hit my sister when she was about 14...he lost his temper (the only time I ever saw it happen) when she called my mom a "motherf***ing c***sucker" and several other nasty names.


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## northwoods1995

I was never spanked, but I was threatened with spanking.


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## momoffaith5

yes i was spanked,and i don't regret it,not saying that i do it though.


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## eightyferrettoes

I was spanked, and have just recently gotten over a longstanding aversion to wire hangers.







Probably a couple times a month, depending on age.

I don't feel that the spanking, per se, was always abusive. More the attitude that came with it. It always came from a place of blind fury, but I also now understand my mom's rage-- she felt powerless in marriage and life, and I think she tended to take it out on us kids unintentionally.

And her religious beliefs say that the rod is necessary for proper spiritual development, anyway. She wasn't going to argue with God, I reckon.







:

OK, so maybe it WAS abusive. But I forgive her. And I turned out mostly OK in spite of it all.









I do fight the urge to be violent toward my children. It is very hard. Sometimes I fail.


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## lolar2

About 2-3x/ year until I was seven or eight. Mostly my parents were pretty GD, but my father felt he was "supposed" to spank. The first time my mother spanked me, I laughed at her so she went to other strategies instead; then after that she only spanked me once. I think the last person who spanked me was actually my grandfather, not one of my parents, when I was seven or eight as I said.


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## ~Megan~

I was spanked and abused but not abused by spanking. My dad only participated in emotional abuse.


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## georgia

Hi, everyone! Please take a moment to review the GD Forum Guidelines:

Quote:

Welcome to Gentle Discipline. *This forum has a specific aim: to help parents learn and apply gentle discipline methods in raising their children.*

Quote:

Effective discipline is based on loving guidance. It is based on the belief that children are born innately good and that our role as parents is to nurture their spirits as they learn about limits and boundaries, rather than to curb their tendencies toward wrongdoing. Effective discipline presumes that children have reasons for their behavior and that cooperation can be engaged to solve shared problems.

Hitting is never the best way to teach a child. Even in the case of real danger - as when a child runs out into the road - you can grab him, sit him down, look him in the eyes, and tell him why he must never do that again. The panic in your voice will communicate your message much more effectively than any spanking. You can be dramatic without being abusive.

'Natural Family Living' by Peggy O'Mara
*Please appreciate that this forum is not a place to uphold or advocate physical punishment of children. Personal preferences for and encouragement of use of physical punishment are inappropriately posted here. Posts of that nature will be edited by the member upon request or will be removed.*

Please feel free to discuss your problems and needs with the intent to learn more about Gentle Discipline.
If you see any posts that feel 'off' or that you believe to be in violation of the MDC User Agreement or the Forum Guidelines:

Quote:

Any user who feels that a posted message is objectionable is encouraged to contact us immediately by email or private message. We will make every effort to remove objectionable messages within a reasonable time frame, if we determine removal is necessary. If you feel another member is behaving in a manner that is in violation of these rules, do not take matters into your own hands. Let us try to resolve the situation. Simply alert the moderator of the forum
Which in this case would be me or heartmama







Thanks, and as always, thanks for your contributions and cooperation


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## Plummeting

I was spanked a few times a year, always with a belt. My mom wasn't in the picture and I was raised by my dad and stepmother. When my stepmother had her one and only child when I was 7, she apparently decided spanking was not okay for _her_ child, because my half sister has _never_ been spanked, slapped or in any other way physically punished. The horrible thing about it, though, is that this didn't stop my stepmother and dad from continuing to spank all the rest of us! They spanked us, even after my stepmother decided her own child should never be spanked. (She hated me and my two siblings and eventually divorced my dad.) To me, that is abusive, because she obviously made a conscious decision about the wrongness of spanking, but she insisted that the three of us should still be spanked. And it wasn't just because her daughter was too young to be spanked before we got too old to be spanked (having trouble describing what I mean). Basically, my brother got his last spanking at age 12. He's only 4 years older than our little sister, so she was 8 by then. She had definitely been in enough mischief and was old enough to have been spanked by then, so it wasn't that my stepmother changed her stance on spanking after all of us had already grown too old to spank - she knew she wouldn't spank her child even as she was _still spanking_ all the rest of us. That's an abusive mindset, IMO. My dad was emotionally abused by my stepmother and he really did whatever she wanted. She had adopted us and constantly threatened to divorce him and get custody if he didn't. It was utterly f*cked up.

She also made my little brother drink castor oil every time she thought he was lying about something (even when he really wasn't). That means he spent a lot of his childhood in the bathroom with diarrhea. Aside from that, none of us were really physically abused, but we were definitely verbally abused and emotionally abused.

I have felt the urge to hit my child twice, when I was extremely frustrated. Obviously I would never do it, though.


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## KaraBoo

We were spanked. A lot. We even had to go to the yard and pick out a "switch" from the bushes to get spanked with. We were spanked with spatulas, belts, wooden cooking spoons...and if said item broke while spanking us? Woe to us cuz we got spanked even harder.


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## Emma's_Mommy

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GooeyRN* 
Yes, I was spanked with leather belts on bare skin.







I voted I was abused.


Same here.....reading this thread has brought back alot of bad memories


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## artgoddess

Interesting to me that at MDC, there are 57 people who have replied that don't consider hitting a person smaller or younger than the hitter (spanker) to be abusive.


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## amitymama

I was only spanked a handful of times and it was by my great grandmother, not my parents.


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## linguistmama

My parents spanked very rarely. The last time was when I was a little older and I remember wondering why my dad was bothering since he couldn't bring himself to make it physically hurt. It felt like a strong pat. Interesting to note that I don't remember why he spanked me so it obviously didn't "teach" me anything. I would definately consider it abuse so I don't spank my dd.


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## crissei

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess* 
Interesting to me that at MDC, there are 57 people who have replied that don't consider hitting a person smaller or younger than the hitter (spanker) to be abusive.

Well, the poll is a little confusing. I do think hitting is abusive, but I chose "several times a year" because I thought the OP was trying to get an idea of how often we were hit.


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## Anglyn

I chose several times a year. When my mom spanked, she didnt or couldnt spank hard enough to make it hurt. My grandmother now, she made me get my own switch. And my stepfather, well, it hurt like hell and it was humiliating, espeically when I was a teen, espeically when done it public. What I remember abou it, aside from the feelings of humiliation, isnt whatever I had done to be spanked (have no clue about that) but the stubborn streak in me that refused to cry. I think that the more I didnt cry, the madder he got and the harder he hit. But I would not cry in front of him, I didnt want to give him the satisfaction. I hated him and hated my mother for letting it happen. But it was my brother that got beaten on an almost daily basis, hard and with a belt. Just watching that was traumatic to me, I cant imagine what it did to him.

The most manipulative thing I remember doing as a child occured one day on our front porch when my stepdad was spanking my brother and my brother was yelling and my grandfather was there and you could tell by the look on his face that he wanted to intervene but wasnt sure if he should, I mean, you could see the alarm and then the confusion, then he looked at me.... so I very purposely and conciously threw my head back and started crying too and that sent him into action and he intervened. I guess it was manipulative but as a child, it was the ONLY way I ever found to actually HELP my brother. I dont think it changed anything overall, but it stopped that one beating.

I had to really work to convince my xh not to spank, but his own father did it for me. One day xh was at his parents house with ds and came home and said, "ok, I get it now" because ds had done something (he was like two at the time) and my xfil had gotten angry and he came at ds to spank him and xh said you could tell it wasnt about discipline or teaching, xfil was PISSED and was clearly about to take it out on ds. So xh intervened and told his dad off and they came home and he was on board ever since.

DH had always been on board, thanks to an abusive mother who beat the crap out of him, but not his sister.


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## pookel

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess* 
Interesting to me that at MDC, there are 57 people who have replied that don't consider hitting a person smaller or younger than the hitter (spanker) to be abusive.

I don't consider it abuse.

I consider it WRONG, and bad parenting, but to me "abuse" means something more serious. I do not equate my experience getting rare and not-too-painful spankings from loving parents who thought they were doing the right thing, with the kind of experience some have described here of being thrown into walls and beaten with objects and screamed at.


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## Flower of Bliss

I voted that I was spanked 1-4 times in my life. Generally speaking, my mother did not hit us. She was very gentle. She explained what we did wrong, why it was wrong, etc. She was an awesome AP parent.

However, she was not perfect. I distinctly remember her hitting me once. I was young (4-5 years old). I had hit or perhaps bit (I know I was a biter...







: ) my younger brother who was 2.5 years younger than me. She lost her cool. I know I was a very difficult small child to manage, especially when my little brother was added to the picture.







On a lighter note, I was a very happy, mature, and well behaved teenager.







I don't remember being hurt physically. I remember the emotional responce. I don't remember if she hit my hand, my arm, my leg, my butt. I'm sure she used her hand.

This is the only instance I can remember. I do not resent it at all. My mother was/is a wonderful mother and a wonderful role model. I hope I do as well for my own children. She is, however, human. Considering how perfect she always seems, it's nice to have the reminder that she has in fact screwed up.


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## earthmama369

I voted 1-4 times ever but it's probably somewhere between that and several times a year. I don't think it was as often as yearly, even -- I only remember a couple of times as a child, then getting my face slapped a couple of times when I was older -- but I'm guessing there are a few I've forgotten. The truth probably lies around 5-8 times ever, knowing my parents.

ETA: I fall into the camp of thought that says it was a bad parenting moment but it wasn't abuse. My mother lost it a few times and spanked me with her open hand or slapped me with her open hand. I clearly remember pushing her buttons or doing something unsafe on those occasions. That doesn't excuse it, but I know the parenting culture she grew up in and the advice she was being given, and as far as the scale of "normal" goes, she fell well on the lighter side for her reality. There was no intent to abuse, there was momentary anger/fear in an otherwise fairly healthy and stable parent-child relationship.


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## AbbieB

Interesting poll.

My gut reaction is to say spanked but not abused. But when I think about what happened when I was spanked it is definitely abuse. It's so strange how my inner child wants to protect the image of my loving parents even when my adult self is not so sure.

As a small child I was hit with a wooden spoon often by my Mom. Dad would occasionally be called in with his belt.

As a teen things were much worse. I did not get daily spankings but when things got physical it was terrifying. I remember Mom picking me up out of the bath tub by my hair when I was at least 15. When I was 16/17 I remember a few times being terrified of my Dad and running into my room and trying to lock the door before he could get me. Once he lifted me up by my neck/throat. Once I was getting ice from the freezer and he came around the corner, shoved the freezer closed at me. When I held it open so I would not get caught in the door I remember this fist coming around and slamming me.

My first summer home from collage was real bad. I ended up leaving the house and moved in with a friend. I remember going through the get away from Dad terror by running out to get in my car. Dad pulled some part out of the engine so I ran for the house. He caught me and threw me in the door. Then when I would not stop screaming he help me down on the ottoman and slapped (I think it was a punch) me so hard I thought he broke my jaw. That is the day I moved out.

Mom and Dad started family counseling after that. It helped with the physical stuff. The mental abuse keeps coming. I think my Mom is jealous of me for some reason based on the type of abusive things she says.

My husband has labeled my Mom as a psychopath. He thinks I should just cut her out of my life since she continues to be so abusively.

Long post. Thanks for letting me get some of this stuff off my chest. It's hard to think about/talk about this kind of thing. I agree with the PP that say they feel like there are people out there that really are ABUSED so talking about this stuff seems so "poor me".

DH and I do NOT spank. Sometime I have the urge to. Once I did and DD just laughed at me. To her "spanks" are a tickle game.


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## Surfacing

Yes I was spanked as a child (several times a year) with hand, wooden spoon, fly swatter, "The Heat Seat" (a paddle sold at a store). Mostly it was the feelings of anxiety (not just the physical pain), not being able to get away from it, avoid it, the dread, that made me sick about the spanking. Eventually I got over it, but I could not get over how my brother was abused. My father was very rough with him, went too far. Then my brother would say he heard me laughing (when in fact I was cowering in and fear and overwhelming anxiety while he was beaten), and he beat me up afterwards. It was terrible. He terrorized me but I couldn't tell my parents because all they would do is beat him up and that didn't help anything. This is one of my deepest regrets and frustrations.
Dh and I don't spank dd. This is a deal breaker for me, there will be no violence in my home.


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## mama2walden&luna

I voted 1-4 times. I was told that my grandpa gave me a swat on the butt at 3 because I kept messing with a german shepard, that he told me to leave alone, and it ended up biting me in the face (I guess it really scared him). My dad gave me a swat once when I was about 2 or 3, but didn't intend it as a spanking, just a single swat, because he thought I had on my diaper. I didn't. My mom came unglued and he never struck me again. I don't remember either of those times. And, my mom actually did spank me once, when I was 11, for defacing the newly repainted bathroom door at her best friend's house. I think she was really embarassed. But it was emotionally traumatizing for me. I'll never forget it. My paren't just weren't the spanking types. They prefered lectures and grounding. I definitely do not spank my child, never will.


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## kallyn

Reading some of your stories just makes me ache inside. I'm so sorry that you had to experience these things, mamas.


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## Shirelle

I was spanked a handfull of times. My brother was physically abused by my father, but I wasn't. I would say that I dealt with some verbal abuse that was much more scarring than the few spankings that I got.

My parents were very into scare tactics. My Dad made a paddle and drilled holes in it with a happy face. He threatened to use "Mr. Happy" on us everytime we were bad. He did use it on my brother, but not me (and yes, he really called it that--pretty sick, huh?). He beat my baby sister when she was 2-ish, because she stuck crayons in the disk drive of our computer. My mom had to pry her away from him as he hit her on the bottom/back.

For some reason, I think they were afraid to "discipline" me, because I certainly did my share of bad things.


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## nicolelynn

Dh and I aren't going to hit, but my brothers and I were spanked and I agree with a pp that it wasn't abuse. My parents choice was misguided, but they truly loved/love us and always showed that. My brothers and I are all VERY close to our parents, are all functional members of society and have no physcological scars. We all live near-by, get together for lunch almost every Sunday and are closer than any other family I know (everyone is always saying how jealous they are of my family hehe). Again, not that hitting us was right, but I will submit that I know children who I view were actually abused by neglect/unaffectionate or controlling parents and now are dysfunctional people.

I guess I just posted because even though I disagree with my parents on many things (besides this they are Republicans hehe) I have the utmost respect and love for them, it is mutual and I just could never call these people child abusers.


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## Surfacing

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kallyn* 







Reading some of your stories just makes me ache inside. I'm so sorry that you had to experience these things, mamas.









I know, and (I can't speak for others, but in our situation) the amazing thing is that we have had it so much easier than my parents had it, in terms of their upbringing.







It amazes me how people can justify abuse.


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## peacelovingmama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emese'sMom* 
I know, and (I can't speak for others, but in our situation) the amazing thing is that we have had it so much easier than my parents had it, in terms of their upbringing.







It amazes me how people can justify abuse.

Many of these stories are breaking my heart too.







: But I take heart in that the adult-children telling those stories are here, in the GD forum. It seems that violence in childrearing is becoming less acceptable over time. That gives me hope. One day, hopefully no one will have to rationalize hitting a child and the majority will report that they've never been hit.


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## jenmidwife2b

I voted yes I was spanked several times a year, and I do not consider it abuse either. I don't feel emotionally scarred by what happened to me. I'm sorry for some of the other posters who obviously did not have any loving discipline in their homes but only angry beatings. That is very sad.


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## mowilli3

These stories are so hard to read, but I keep coming back. Something in reading them is helping me to admit that I was also abused. I voted several times but not abused, but like PP said, the child wants to protect the parent.

I always wanted to have a loving family. I remember when I was 13 I created a journal that I would write fictional entries of what I had done with my loving mom and sister. In my fictional life, we went to the mall and the zoo and ate ice cream. It was the most mundane stuff, but they really liked me. We always had a good time and I never got a whipping after our outings like I did with my real family. I spent a lot of time daydreaming to get away from my real life where my mom and grandmother hit us with switches and belts. My mother was always in a blind rage when she hit us and she even hit me once with a high-heel shoe because we were making noise while she was sleeping. My mother was extremely controlling and my sister modeled her behavior towards me. It hasn't changed much with my sister, but I have more leverage now that I'm married and they want to see my DC.

When I was 13, I applied and was accepted at a boarding school 1000 miles away from my home. My sister and I both went. That was the start of the change in my life. My sister was too indoctrinated and dependent on my mother's conditional love to thrive as I did. She still struggles very badly with a sense of low self-worth. I found a loving mom in my dormhead and did very well.

Sometimes I think people hate their kids because they hate themselves. My mother told me on my 31st birthday that she suffered from depression in her 30s. I would have been 7 when she turned 30. She never sought help, just took it out on us. I try to have some empathy towards her because she had two kids 10 months apart in her early 20s by a married guy who was a sociopath. He left us and went on to have 8 other kids by different women. It's hard having 2 kids 19 months apart with a devoted DH, so I can understand some of her stressors. What I'll never understand is how you can look at someone who is so small and looks so much like you and beat them until they scream, and do it again and again. I think only a self-loathing person can do that.


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## Swirly

I was spanked. My dad only spanked me once, at my stepmother's insistence. That was no big deal (it realy did hurt him more than me - I knew he didn't want to do it). I was 11 and had been caught smoking and sharing cigarettes with the 7-year-old next door. If ever a spanking was warranted, that was it, LoL.

Anyway, my mom usually spanked in anger or frustration. It mainly was just bad for the relationship, but also not the biggest deal in the world.

My stepfather though, he spanked in the awful, yucky, ritualistic way. You know the kind "you are going to get a spanking when we get home" for things like squirming or falling asleep in church or whatever. It made me seething angry inside. I would refuse to cry and would tell myself I would never let them see me hurt. when it was over, I would walk away and throw a very calm "I hate you" over my shoulder.

I guess that is why my take on spanking is that it is just completely ineffective and can create rebellion and an inappropriate tendency to turn feelings inward, which can later manifest in depression, self-destructive behavior, and addictions.

Spanking can be absuive, of course, but in my case it was not exactly abusive, but was horrible parenting.


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## mwherbs

Emese'sMom Dh and I don't spank dd. This is a deal breaker for me said:


> yes I would have to say that this has been my commitment as well-


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## SoBlessed

Spanked, slapped repeatedly, beaten while being humiliated...very, very, very violent...I was abused nearly every day and the threat of being hit was there on "off" days...I swear my mother "got off" on it...I have since concluded that their must be a mental illness issue...It's been a long trip to heal and I am still working on it...I can remember thinking odd things like "hey, since I turned 15, my mom seems to only hit me in the face now...that's great!" and/or "wonder if I will cry today."


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## Kitty_boo

I was only spanked a couple of times in my life. The worst part was the threat. 'If you don't do this then I will hit you'. Okay I wasn't physically hurt, but there was still that emotional terror; the emotional abandonment of someone I loved.

I also remember my father hurting us (my sister and I) out of anger. We hadn't done anything really wrong/bad/naughty - he was just frustrated with something silly. Sadly, my mother dismissed these incidents.

For example, I remember when my father used a whole roll of tape on my sisters' head. She must have been about 4 at the time and she was trying to wear a hat, but it kept falling off. So my father pulled out the tape and literally taped this hat to my sister. I remember her crying, I was so scared. I talked to my mother about this a few years ago and she remembers the incident fondly and thought it was funny.

I have to admit, it was only at this point did I realise that my mother was not a scared bystander, but an inactive participant. My parents aren't bad people, just not as 'respectful' of children as they think they are. Still made me determined to always treat my child (and everyone elses) with the same respect as I expect from other adults.

Perhaps in that way they did do something good. I am now a better parent/person because of my parents weaknesses.


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## chloeM

I was never punished or given consequence boundaries or spankings,


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## MaxMommy

My parents did not spank. I was spanked once by my grandmother for wetting my pants-very shocking and humiliating. My mother was spitting nails mad at her MIL for that.
My mother lost her temper with me when I was 13 and she hit me. We both ended up in tears and hugging. I was being the worst I could ever be and she had unbelievable stress going on at that time. Her and I still discuss it, I think the episode hurt her more than it hurt me.


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## airmide_m

I was never spanked when I was very little (up till maybe 5 or so?) then started getting spanked, that graduated to a wooden yardstick, which graduated to just full-out physical abuse (as opposed to the other types of abuse which just continued, some worse some not as bad as I got older). I was a near-stereotypical-perfect kid, but my mother continued to blame me for the abuse she put me through, including attending "tough love" meetings and telling people *I* abused *her*, though all I ever did was try to defend myself with minimal force. Oddly she also loved to recount stories of how she was a martyr and saint for refusing to spank me when I was little.


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## Proudly AP

I chose 'abused' - physically, verbally, emotionally.

I find I need to work extra hard to use GD, and am not always successful, but I don't hit my kids.


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## sadean

I voted 1-4 times throughout childhood. I was "spanked" exactly three times. Twice by my SF and once by my mother. Once when I was about 5 and was standing on the piano bench and rocking it. I was warned to stop several times but didn't stop. The pop on the butt did not really bother me. I received another pop on the butt when I was about 10 and I kicked my brother in the head on purpose (I still contend that it was self defense







: ). I was humiliated and cried for about an hour. The third time was a swipe at the head by my mother when I was about 14 and I was being a mouthy PITA. I think we were both really surprised and it never happened again.

I don't consider any of it abuse per se...but not particularly effective. I still hold resentment about being struck when I was 10.


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## Thalia the Muse

I remember twice getting spankings. I was around five or six, they weren't painful (soft swats with an open hand on the butt), but they made me really angry! I was a prissy goody-two-shoes child, and I didn't get punished much in general. My brother was spanked more often (also pretty gently), to no noticeable good effect.

I don't think it was harmful at all, but it was also sort of pointless.


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## WuWei

Anyone who was taught to believe that they "deserved" to be hit, *were* emotionally abused, imo.

Pat


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## jenn5388

my mother would say I never was.. but I remember 1 or 2 times...


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## 3lilmonsters

I voted abused. My siblings and I were regularly spanked as well as other things. I remember a wooden spoon, a wooden spatula and a yardstick all being broken at one point or another. I remember bieng sent out to pick out my switch when I was *maybe* 4 years old not even old enough to go by myself...I remember the puzzlement at what they wanted me to do. I was humiliated (when I was almost 4 I had an accident cause the bathroom was in my parents' bedroom and the door was locked and they didn't answer and my at the time sf (though he adopted me later - it made me cry) rubbed my nose in it so I wouldn't do it again. Once I was eating an apple and I dropped it on the floor accidently and he stepped on in crushing it with boots that were covered in gunpowder...then made me eat it. I was given glasses when I was a very small preschooler, then I would set them on the edge of the table because that was all I could reach and when they would fall and break I would be spanked and not allowed to have a drink for the rest of the day. Once when I was about 4 I was told to keep an eye on the running bathtub and I got distracted in the hallway playing so it ran over and he put me in it and held me underwater. To this day I have a fear of water. When I was about 10 my mother went to spank me and I involuntarily moved (they bought into the whole spank till they stop resisting, so believe me I tried so hard to not resist and it just isn't possible) and she hit the bedframe so hard where my butt had been that she thought she had broken her hand. (Even then I was horrified...if it hurt HER that much why couldn't she see that maybe it was too hard to hit ME?). I remember once I was in bed and he came in and was mad at me for something (I can't remember what) and he told me to pick out my favorite shirt (it had a rainbow on it and I LOVED it - it was my wear-it-every-day-cause-I'm-4 shirt







) and he just tore it to shreds. When I was in 6th or 7th grade I did something I wasn't supposed to and so he called me in from the backyard where I was playing with my neighborhood friends, had me stand in front of the large window that looked out on the backyard and grab my ankles and spanked me with a belt in front of them all.

The most awful thing about it for me is that even now my father won't say anything when approached except maybe a sarcastic sorry or, more likely "get over it", though he's nicer to us now. My mother insists that she never knew that any of this stuff happened - though the broken impliments were all her (and she bragged about it - bout how strong willed we were that she had to spank so hard); my father would generally use his belt or his hairbrush (it had airvents) on our hand (with the warning that we better flip it over cause if it hit the back he'd probably break some bones - and yes, he said that). And even the water episode and the shirt episode and the window episode and countless others - though she wasn't the one doing it, she was right there watching. But she says she never knew he did any of it and if she had she would have stopped him. Basically it's my fault for not telling her. Nice, huh?

I'm not sure why I'm spilling all this, I don't know if any of my irl friends know this and it's not something I usually dwell on. But even just typing it I'm suddenly freezing and shaking. I think that as much as I'd like to jump on my soapbox and preach about why I don't spank my kids, when it comes down to it, it's really just because I'm so scared that if I were to spank them that I might so easily cross that line, yk? I'm much, much different than either of them; that doesn't matter to me though. I just have this irrational fear that my kids might some day hate me the way that I've hated my parents. I would give up my kids before ever getting close to having my ds thinking that the only reason why he doesn't run away or kill himself is because he has to protect the little ones. That's how I grew up, though.


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## 3lilmonsters

Wow, that was depressing. I guess that's why I don't dwell...


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## WuWei

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3lilmonsters* 
Wow, that was depressing. I guess that's why I don't dwell...


I understand.







Sometimes, I don't know if it ever gets easier to remember. The past can no longer hurt you unless you let it. You have the power to choose to live in the present. As we choose to dwell in the past, *WE* bring the pain of the past into our present and we re-create the pain for ourself. I am not suggesting to suppress or deny the past. It informs my choices every day, many, many times as a parent. But, the pain can not repeat. It is over now. <sigh>

Pat


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## riversong

I also chose abused because my dad would lash out at us over insignificant things and just corner us hitting and yelling. It was awful. I can remember falling out of a tree and telling my friend to get my mom, but not tell my dad because I knew I'd get hit for falling and getting hurt. By the time I was thirteen I thought of calling the police, but I never did. My mom and grandma would watch. They hated it, but they never stopped it.

My dad and I have a decent relationship now, but it took a long time. My brother hasn't spoken our dad in 7 years. I'm sure my dad felt justified in his "spankings" at the time. Any kind of physical punishment is wrong, imo. I struggle not to hit my dd at times because that type of angry reaction just seems to be stuck inside of me after living with an abusive parent for so long.


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## riversong

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3lilmonsters* 
Wow, that was depressing. I guess that's why I don't dwell...

I'm so sorry. Your post has me feeling so sad for the little girl you were. Have you ever talked with a therapist about your experiences? It could help, even you're not debilitated by your past abuse.


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## maxdad

I was never spanked.


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## paakbaak

i feel for all of you that have been abused. i´m very sorry. you must be very proud of yourselves being gentle parent.

i chose spanked very often, but not abused. when i got older my mother would slap me. and then older, since she got embarresed to do it in public, she started pinching me!!!! ouch!!! i don´t know why but this made me laugh always...i remember her face, very red in anger over anything, and ahving to pinch me to get her anger out.

i´m struggling every day not to hit my son. i´m starting therapy because i´m afraid to hurt him someday. i just have to hit something when i get angry, so i turn around and hit the door or the bed. i hate it.


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## k-smiley

I voted "abused". I was hit with a wooden spoon, jug cord, a stick and anything else that was handy. I used to repress my crying because i didn't want to give them the pleasure of seeing me cry. This only infuriated them more- but i was determined i wouldn't shed a tear. My brother and sister were also abused. We all have issues with trust and rejection in our relationships.


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## St. Margaret

Mom didn't use spanking as a threat or anything. I was spanked exactly one time, when the family was on a trip back east and we were at some great aunt's or something and I was being an obnoxious kid and she was uber stressed out with being back with the family. One light "swat." And she still remembers that fact to this day... I don't think she's happy about having done it. Makes me think of how even adults can get thrown off when traveling, so I'll be sure to be respectful of my kids when they are on trips.

I see this as the record to beat... I'm hoping 100% spank free with our kids, although this serves as a warning that even the most AP type moms can snap, so it keeps me vigilant.


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## 3lilmonsters

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riversong* 
I'm so sorry. Your post has me feeling so sad for the little girl you were. Have you ever talked with a therapist about your experiences? It could help, even you're not debilitated by your past abuse.

I haven't. Well, only to the extent where I just said that I had been treated poorly. I was there for an entirerly different reason. I've thought about it, but I haven't actually done it yet because I worry what the reprocusions may be. When I read a book that is about abuse, or see a movie...or if I spend time with my parents even I get very impatient with my children...I lose much of what I want as a gentle parent and become more snappy and become more of an authoritarian, rather than just being authoritative (if I got that right...normally I'm in charge, but I work with the kids...when I'm exposed to my parents the working with the kids kinda goes out the window).


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## WuWei

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3lilmonsters* 
I haven't. Well, only to the extent where I just said that I had been treated poorly. I was there for an entirerly different reason. I've thought about it, but I haven't actually done it yet because I worry what the repercussions may be.

I found it validating to have my experience as a child repudiated by a "professional". However, the anger that was unearthed meant I needed new tools to manage the emotions. I certainly didn't learn healthy emotional responsiveness in my family of origin. The counselor did help with that. We did some hypnotizing with calming self-talk, mantras that would surface when the anger was fueled by my parents, or other parents who are similarly embracing fear and intimidation in their parenting, or ds triggered the "oh, no you won't" of my childhood.

Meditating and Thich Nhat Hahn's book "Peace Is Every Step" helped give me perspective about reasons underlying hurtful parenting practices. But, I still choose not to have a relationship with my father...I haven't been strong enough to stay in my peaceful space when he is around. Too many old wounds, emotionally. But, the counseling does focus on the *negative* experience, and that had a place in healing for me; but I didn't find that regularly dwelling in that painful place was beneficial to our family. The anger and negative energy is hard to soothe, when stirred up again and again, ime. This forum can do that too.

But also, I believe that these gentle parenting message boards serve a similar catharsis and validation for many parents. But, "don't hit" isn't enough, imo; I've learned new and different tools. The tools of self-awareness, self-care, communication (NVC), validation, and unconditional parenting have helped to provide a *new way* to parent. Seeing that ds's life will never be what I experienced allows me to be imperfect and not damn myself, like was done as a child. Learning self-acceptance is the first step to healing. Unlearning the voices (my mother's "shoulds") in my head has been a journey. Perhaps, the secret is The Secret. Our thoughts create our experience. And we can change the world, by changing our thoughts toward what we *want*, rather than what we *don't want*.

Counseling can help with that. Or come join The Law of Attraction thread for positive energy and positive intentions. Moving *toward* something positive is much easier than moving "away" from the past.

Pat


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## Lisa85

I'm not sure how to vote.

I was spanked regularly and wouldn't consider that alone abuse, but was also verbally/emotionally abused. I wasn't sure if the first option was if you thought the spankings were abuse or if there was other abuse.

I find myself having the urge to hit my *16 month old*, though I know I never would because immediately after it brings back the hatred for how my parents, mainly my dad, raised us. I remember watching full house and shows like that wishing my dad was more like Danny Tanner and not understanding why he couldn't discipline us the way Danny did for the girls. If it weren't for the internet, I probably wouldn't not CIO, nurse into toddlerhood, consider CLW, etc but I would NEVER EVER even consider spanking as a form of punishment.


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## UmmBnB

Spanked regularly. Never abused.


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## jazzybaby9

I was abused with a wooden board about an inch thick and a foot long...almost everyday. I won't be spanking my children.


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## sehbub

Quote:


Originally Posted by *minkajane* 
I was abused as a child. To this day, my parents believe they did what was right for us and was the one and only possible way to discipline. However, with an unmedicated bipolar mother and a father with a complete lack of anger management, discipling always equals beatings, in addition to groundings, taking away of privileges, etc, for a single transgression. I was beaten with a wooden paddle, wooden spoon, hands, leather belt, and plastic coathangers. I have had deep bruises, bloody welts, splt lips, bloody noses, boxed ears, etc. My parents didn't think it was abuse unless it was uncalled for (i.e. the child did nothing wrong) or left permanent scars, such as broken bones.

Unfortunately, the emotional scars still haven't healed. I still cry when I talk about how I felt as my dad sat on my chest, screaming at me to shut up and backhanding me across the face when I was fifteen. I don't even remember what I did wrong that time. It couldn't have been anything too bad. It was probably "backtalk," which my dad considered to be any words that disagreed with anything he or my mom said. We weren't allowed to have a different opinion or we were talking back. I was a good kid - I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, stay out late, have sex, skip school. I got good grades, went to church even though nobody else in my family did, and was involved in lots of extracurriculars. Of course, if you ask my mom, I was an out of control teen who slept around (lost my virginity at 18 to my future husband thankyouverymuchmom) and was just horrible. In her mind, I was out of control because I was out of HER control. At about 15, I stopped letting her know everything about my life just because she asked and she decided that I must be hiding horrible things.

I still fight my anger issues. When I get really frustrated I feel out of control and I tend to freak out. I scream, cry, and throw things. I've even hit my STBX. I have NEVER hit DS. I have stopped myself more than once from smacking his hand. I'm sure I'll be tempted to do more than that as he grows, but I hope I will be able to fight that and not hit him. My brother as well has always had anger issues, from a very young age, though his wife has helped temper that a lot, as well as being out of the house. My little sister was always the spoiled baby and got the least of the abuse, and has the fewest issues with anger.

I do have a good relationship with my dad, despite our past. He's a LOT better with his anger, especially since my brother and sister and I were out of the house. I've only seen him get really angry once in the past five years (for good reason that time!). My mother and I will never have a good relationship as long as she refuses to confront and seek help for her mental illness.

Every time I talk about this it turns into a novel, so I'll shut up now.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *SoBlessed* 
Spanked, slapped repeatedly, beaten while being humiliated...very, very, very violent...I was abused nearly every day and the threat of being hit was there on "off" days...I swear my mother "got off" on it...I have since concluded that their must be a mental illness issue...It's been a long trip to heal and I am still working on it...I can remember thinking odd things like "hey, since I turned 15, my mom seems to only hit me in the face now...that's great!" and/or "wonder if I will cry today."

I haven't been able to read the whole thread. I just can't do it. I feel so sorry (although that's not nearly a good enough word) for all of your child selves who were spanked/hit/abused.









I was spanked once, by my father, because my mom told him I deserved it. It was a "wait 'til your father gets home" kind of day, and she stood behind my father to make sure he spanked me. Bare skin, open hand, and he sobbed the whole way through it. He was raised in a home in which he was forced to cut his own switch, and swore he would never do that to one of his children.

My mother is bipolar, and refused to seek treatment until I was 16. Before that, were years of screaming, locking us in our rooms, locking me in a dark closet with no food or water or bathroom breaks for almost 16 hours (I was 6) while my little brother (4 at the time) slid crackers under the door for me.







I was slapped across the face once because I microwaved her pizza to reheat it instead of heating it in the oven the way she liked it. I was 9.

And surprisingly, my parents were pretty AP. My brother and I were breastfed until about 15 and 16 months, when we self-weaned, I vividly remember cosleeping until I was about 6 or 7, and my mom was a very attached SAHM until we started school. She was just a really unhealthy woman.

So, was I physically abused? No. Emotionally and verbally, hell yes. And I'm nowhere near over it. Every time I look in my children's eyes, I can't fathom treating them even close to as negatively as my mother treated us.


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## p.s

yup, every day of my life by my mom on the butt or slapped cheek until I was thirteen. Then it mysteriously stopped.
My dad didn't hit us but would make us kneel for long periods of time.
All in the name of instilling discipline, character, or some other c***.

Many times I wished not that they wouldn't have spanked me, but that they would have taught me a more effective form of communication.


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## northcountrymamma

I voted that I was spanked a few times a year...though only a couple years was this the case.

I never spank...never will.

I don't think I was abused but my mum beats herself up over doing this to me and my sister. She equates this to abuse and wished she never did it. I feel bad for what she feels but I feel no form of harm from this form of discipline. Luckily I just know that I have made a better choice for my daughter. I read alot about the continuum concept and though my continuum wasn't likely met...I have strong ties to my family and feel pretty secure in life.









My exh was all for spanking and he thinks since we were both spanked and turned out just fine that he thought our kid would be okay with it too. Thankfully I converted him...I don't think he would ever do it now...he learned a lot about how to actually teach a child rather than scare them. Yeah!!!

Just my 2cents


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## skueppers

I was never spanked, but I wouldn't put a







after that.

I was emotionally abused instead. I think I might have preferred physical discipline, which at least would have been less time-consuming than having hours-long "conversations" about my my many shortcomings every day. My mother seemed to feel that she hadn't gotten through to me until I was in tears.

The only saving grace was that my father wouldn't put up with it, so when he came home at 7 or so, it stopped.

(And no, I'm not advocating spanking. I would never spank a child.)


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## lexmas

I voted I was spanked a few times a year. And really, its not that big of a deal to me. I probably won't spank my children, but more because other tactics, such as time outs and such have a longer "lesson" in my opinion. I don't really care that I was spanked, and I don't think that it impacted me negatively in any way. I do understand that other people may have reacted differently to an experience such as mine, and that if you had the same experience and you think it was abuse, then that's valid and I'm sure it affects you as abuse. It is just not my experience. In any case, certainly hitting isn't a good lesson in the "do as I say not as I do" department. Interesting how the poll has turned out, and







to all of you who were abused by your parents.


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## Pastrydemon

My sister and I were spanked a lot as children. I didn't consider it abuse but I would if I did the same to my daughter (eg: spanking bare bottomed with a hairbrush). I'm 37 and still have issues with the lack of respect it showed me. I hated my parents so much when they did it. They are very educated, upper middle class people and I think it was just what they thought they were supposed to do. I get mad just thinking about it. I've never, ever had the urge to hit my DD though.


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## Arts Therapist

not sure how to answer this so i chose "other" - i was never bent over a knee and spanked on my bum. but once in awhile i would get a smack in the back of the head if sassy. i remember twice mom got me across the face when i was a teen...i was being a real pain!


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## bobica

yes, spanked. i voted not abused b/c i wasn't with the spanking. my mom, on the other hand, would chase me, throw stuff, grab me by my hair and face,etc. she would react physically where my dad used spanking as a consequence







: hence the "we don't hit in our family" rule in my house now!


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## Aliviasmom

I voted that I was spanked several times a year, but I'm not sure if it was really that often. I do, however, feel that it was more than 1-4 times. I know the first time I was spanked I was about 2. My mom was usually more creative with her punishments. Such as sitting my brother and I next to each other on the couch, holding hands and saying nice things about each other!


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## WeasleyMum

My sister and I were spanked when we were young, always on the rear and not hard. I remember spanking not as painful but as being rather humiliating-- it's a quickie way for an adult to reimpose power over a child. My parents decided somewhere along the way that spanking wasn't for them, so my little brother (10 years younger) was not spanked.

Personally, I don't believe in spanking because it implies a kind of inability to really be in control/ to be really effective. What I mean is, you shouldn't *have* to smack a kid to get them to listen-- it means that for some reason they are _not_ listening to your voice.


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## Starflower

There wasn't really a poll option that fit my situation, so I chose "Other" because I was spanked but not often (bare butt with a belt). My brother was spanked all the time - and definitely to the point of physical abuse. Also emotionally abused.

Why didn't I get spanked very often? I was very quiet and afraid to cause any trouble so I became an expert at avoiding it. However I was very emotionally abused.

And I was often forced to be a witness to my brother's abuses. So just more reasons for me to crawl within myself as a child for protection. (Alcoholic family.)


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## AngelBee

I was spanked on a regular basis, but I wouldn't consider myself "abused."

Dh was abused!


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## SeaBean

It's funny how many memories have faded now that I'm an adult.. I'm sure I was spanked more than 3x a year, but I don't remember many specific incidents anymore. I know there was a lot of swatting.. my grandmother had a switch, which I think was part of a broken fishing rod - probably fiberglass or wire? It was thin and stung. My mother used the metal handle of the flyswatter. My brother used to get the belt. I guess my dad thought girls should not get hit with the belt, but it was ok for boys.
I think it contributed to my brother and my violent fighting as kids. I was also a really angry teenager, into drugs, cutting myself, drinking, sex..terrible.
I have recently been thinking about my brother. He is nearly 30 and overweight. He's gained even more over the past few years and is about to get married. I am worried about his health and have prodded him to exercise, eat healthy etc. He has a very flippant attitude about it and just says he hates vegetables. But I wonder if much of it isn't psychological. What is he still holding in?
It's a whole other story, but my parents, especially my mother, were never very demonstrative in loving ways. The never said "I love you" to us. We still don't say it to each other, whereas my DH ends every conversation with his parents & siblings that way. It's hard for me to bring myself to say it to anyone in my family.
This is getting long.. guess it hit a nerve. As DH and I were talking about future family, I said it's strange that you'd never hit another person in your everyday life but somehow people think it's OK to hit your own little child.


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## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GooeyRN* 
Yes, I was spanked with leather belts on bare skin.







I voted I was abused.

yeah, me too


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## rambunctiouscurls

Quote:


Originally Posted by *skueppers* 
I was never spanked, but I wouldn't put a







after that.

I was emotionally abused instead. I think I might have preferred physical discipline, which at least would have been less time-consuming than having hours-long "conversations" about my my many shortcomings every day. My mother seemed to feel that she hadn't gotten through to me until I was in tears.

The only saving grace was that my father wouldn't put up with it, so when he came home at 7 or so, it stopped.

(And no, I'm not advocating spanking. I would never spank a child.)

I was physically and emotionally abuse. The hour long "conversations" were indeed worse than the physical pain.


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## GenomicsGirl

I was spanked with a hand, wooden spoon, leather belt. I don't consider it abuse, though, because they did it as a form of punishment rather than for no reason.

My dad recently told me that he wishes that he hadn't ever spanked us and that he would do things differently, if he could. It was so acceptable in the early '70s to spank, it's sickening!

My sister spanks her 2 dd's.


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## happymammaof3

I was spanked 1 time by my dad (and boy was I a daddy's girl) when I was probably about 7 or somewhere around that age. But I remember at the time knowing I deserved it and I accepted it and learned from it.

Prior to that and after that, I was never, ever spanked. As a matter of fact, I never even remember receiving ANY discipline.







:

As a teenager my mom and I fought like cats and dogs. I didn't respect her. I honestly believe that had she at least disciplined me in some manner when I was younger, I would have respected her. I'm not saying spanking was the answer, but something. She basically let me do anything. Good thing I was a good kid and didn't really take advantage of it.


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## lanamommyphd07

I was spanked a lot by my mother, typically if I was making her angry or was being non-compliant. It did result in sneaky, lying behavior (I would always make up stuff if caught) BUT as an adult I realize I became very sensitive to conflict in others, and eventually became a psychologist using that ability. Made lemonade, if you will. But honestly, my perception was not one of abuse, although if I did it myself I would feel like a perpetrator. (but I have education on my side and emotional control, something mother did not at the time).


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## BookGoddess

I've never been spanked or threatened with spanking. I wish there were more responses like mine in this thread.


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## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GooeyRN* 
......







I voted I was abused.

I, too, was 'disciplined' using in-animate objects... I also voted abused. Has anyone else struggled with how many of our parents read parenting books (much like _we_ do) that _told_ them to use inanimate objects for spanking as we would then resent the _object_ rather than the parent? Thanks Dr. Spock. You rock. My wooden-paddle-blistered bum and broken nose thank you, too.


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## pookel

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrennaMama* 
I, too, was 'disciplined' using in-animate objects... I also voted abused. Has anyone else struggled with how many of our parents read parenting books (much like _we_ do) that _told_ them to use inanimate objects for spanking as we would then resent the _object_ rather than the parent? Thanks Dr. Spock. You rock. My wooden-paddle-blistered bum and broken nose thank you, too.

I thought Dr. Spock was one of the first to advocate not spanking? I know I've heard people of older generations accuse him of being the cause of "liberal" and "permissive" parenting.


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## tbone

I was never spanked thank goodness. I was always threatened with a spanking but they never did. But for whatever reason I was always afraid that they would. When my mom was mad she always had this "I am so mad" look in her I and that was enough to shut me up and run in the other direction!


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## Crisstiana

There needs to be an "other" category.

I wasn't spanked, but I was hit. My dad would tell me to go up to my room and then wait at the foot of the stairs. When I walked by to go my room, he'd punch me. He also would reach over and punch any one of us if we held our eating utensils incorrectly, cried, or did anything else he disliked. If he had something in his hand when he walked by and was upset, such as a screwdriver, he would use that on my head. Oddly enough, however, no spanking. I've talked to him about spanking now that I'm an adult and a parent, and he disavowed spanking children as "it's just violence against children" and is "counterproductive". Ah, the lessons of childhood!


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## GradysMom

Wanted to chime in but the poll seems closed.
Wooden spoons and hairbrushed, hairpulled a few times too. I consider it abuse. My brother also got the belt.

Worst was listening to the sibling get it - especially if you turned them in. That was a special kinda of guilt.

Mucho therapy....

Anyway, isn't spanking a kind of sexual abuse - anyone?

Ooops... I hadn't logged in.


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## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pookel* 
I thought Dr. Spock was one of the first to advocate not spanking? I know I've heard people of older generations accuse him of being the cause of "liberal" and "permissive" parenting.

Once my mom pointed to the finger at Dr. Spock, as the author of the book that gave her the idea to use a paddle, a wooden spoon, and a switch, since it would allow her child to place blame on the _thing_, and not on her, I never even thought twice about it; as far as I was concerned he was a crazy.

Maybe she had her books mixed up; I've never checked it actually.


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## cosmotion

i voted that i was abused.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mwherbs* 
belts, hands, shoes, sticks, fly swatters, brushes and not just spanked slapped backhanded shook,held down and forced to eat things or else be stabbed, things thrown at us all in anger and often in drunken anger- that is abuse
only one broken bone for me ---
my brother had a fork that was thrown at him stick into his foot -luckily none of the knives stuck...

our younger sister was not hit but watched all this - made her crazier trying to stay in the never get hit zone...

I decided to never hit my kids because of my experience- and it was tough in the begining because I did have the feelings the overwhelming feelings and there was really no help out at the time- I had a LLL friend of mine tell me if I shared my feelings with others they would not associate with me! for many around me it was easy because they did not have the background- I found being at LLL meetings and other parenting support groups to be invaluable.

i can definitely relate to your experiences, herbsss....

my mother was in prison from the time i was six months old until i was nine...

my biological father was a drunk as well and when he wasn't leaving me homealone with my own imagination for days at a time

he was trapped in some kind of drunken mind-cage..

what i was hit with is an interesting question
to which i would counter with a
"what wasn't i hit with.?.."

blowdryerz, belts (the sound of one making that clapping noise still makes me shiver, however, deep breathing excercises and meditation has really made this so much better) wooden sticks, glass windows, fists, newspapers, cords

whatever was easily accessible, i suppose..

and when i wasn't being hit
i was being made to go without food or made to drink vinegar or whatever he could come up with

it is upsetting to me, when humans spank their children

how can we teach them to be non-violent adults, by using violence as a learning tool??

..

i will not be spanking baby kinetic.


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## cottonwood

I just find it so strange that so many people were hit and spanked and don't consider it to have been abuse. If my husband hit me *once* I'd consider it abusive, and I'm sure most people here would too. Why such different standards for kids and adults? I just don't get it.

FWIW, I consider lots of things abusive (like yelling, intimidating, teasing to the point of anger, etc.) and I think there are different levels of abuse, so that a yell might be less abusive than a spanking, and a spanking might be less abusive than a beating. But just because something is less harmful than something else doesn't make it somehow not abusive.


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## Krystal323

i think i fall somewhere between "wouldn't consider abused" and "abused". there were certainly isolated incidents that were over-the-top, but..hmmmm...i don't know


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## northcountrymamma

I don't know how to put this and not get flamed but I needed to respond to a pp wondering how those of use who were spanked don't consider it abuse.

I have a wonderful relationship with my parents...I always have. They did spank me and it was a poor choice. BUT, they didn't realize it was a poor choice until after the fact. That in and on it's own doesn't make it okay...but for me to say that I was abused would somehow equate that to my parents being abusers. My parents are loving, compassionate and I am so thankful for all that they have taught and given me over the years. They were raised in a generation where EVERYONE they knew was spanked. They HONESTLY didn't know any better, and truly thought that this was pretty much the right thing to do. It was reserved for times when they thought at the time that a scare tactic might better preserve our safety. As I said in a pp, my mum DEEPLY regrets her choice to do this and now as a grandparent (both my mum and dad) have learned some wonderful ways to redirect and communicate with their granddaughter. During the time when I was a child, I think that spanking, vaccinating, circumcizing and the such were just what you did. We don't do them now because we know better, but there are still folks out there who vaccinate, circumcise and do other things that are harmful for little ones. I disagree with their choice and know it's harmful to their children, but I would NEVER refer to them as an abusive parent. Does that make sense?

I don't know...I think it's a pretty bold statement that those who were spanked were abused. I feel badly reading that because I know what fantastic people my parents are and if they had seen that post, would have felt so absolutely terrible.


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## ^guest^

I was spanked twice in my young childhood (I don't really blame my mom, I had wandered off by the highway and scared the living bejesus out of her, I'm sure it was more out of fear than anger), and once when I was 16 and caught smoking in the backyard at night by my stepdad. I was already insanely unstable, and the sheer humiliation of being spanked at the age of 16 by my alcoholic stepfather drove me to attempt suicide. I cannot inflict that kind of humiliation on my own child, it was a horrible experience.

My husband was abused later on in life, not as a young child (when his father developed a drinking problem), his father would beat him like a grown man for things like not getting him a beer, but in his young childhood he was spanked like "normal" (for the time/area...michigan still seems to be very pro-spank)


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## Midwitch

No, I was never spanked


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## MtBikeLover

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harpyr* 
When I was around 3 or 4, my mother started spanking me with a wooden spoon. Apparently my father didn't like this and one day he saw the spoon sitting out so he picked it up and spanked my mother pretty hard on her butt as she walked by and when she said, "OUCH! why did you do that??" He said sternly, "That's how Stephanie feels." She never spanked me again. Yay Dad!

I haven't read the whole thread but had to comment on this - Good for your dad for sticking up for you!!!


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## MtBikeLover

I was spanked - a couple of times a year til i was about 8. I never considered it abuse, especially reading what many others have been through; however, I will say that I do now consider spanking to be abusive. It was always my father. My mother slapped me on the face one time, but she felt terrible and was crying and apologizing so it was pretty easy for me to forgive her. She had a migraine headache and I would not stop nagging her. My father has never apologized for hitting me, but my mom has apologized for letting him hit me. She told me a few years again that she felt terrible that she let him do it.

I remember the feelings of hate and fear that I had towards my father and that is what made me decide to never ever hit my kids. I have never even been tempted.


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## surfinrn&mom2mason

not by my mom or dad...(though my dad did spank us on the behind once for going out of the house and not comming home until dark, not having called to let anyone know where we were and we were only 6 and 10 years old.)

I was abused by my step father, you name it cords, belts, shoes, toys, coins, fists, feet, legs (and he was a soccer player so you know he had some power to his kick)...







DH and I are choosing to break the cycle of abuse.


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## emdeecee_sierra

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GradysMom* 
Worst was listening to the sibling get it - especially if you turned them in. That was a special kinda of guilt.


omg yes, brings tears to my eyes just remembering those times. big bro getting spanked with the thick, leather razor strop.


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## HeatherB

We (my sister and I) were spanked only when we crossed certain well-defined boundaries. Spanking was never the first line of discipline and when it was coming, you knew it and knew why. In that, I think it was very effective. Spanking was reserved for things like blatant disrespect or lying. I think maybe also for injuring someone else. I have one clear recollection of being spanked and boy did I know I deserved it, and wished I didn't!!

I did vote for "several times a year" but it was probably no more than 1-2 times a year, if that, and certainly didn't happen in the mid to later years.


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## WuWei

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
Anyone who was taught to believe that they "deserved" to be hit, *were* emotionally abused, imo.

Pat

Quoting myself. It needed to be repeated.







No one deserves to be hit. Certainly not children. *People are not meant for hitting. Children are people too.*

Pat


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## Ex Libris

I was spanked with a belt and hands. I always heard, "this is going to hurt me more than it will you . . . " Yeah, right.

But I have to say the emotional abuse was worse. Mom confessed to me when I was grown that she could punish my brother by spanking him. He would cry and she would consider him sufficiently punished. That didn't work with me, she said. Instead, she would just tell me that what I'd done had really hurt her. I would burst into tears when she told me that. That became my punishment. Needless to say, I still feel responsible for everyone's feelings.


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## s_kristina

I vote for abuse although I doubt my parents would see it that way even now. I missed several days of school in 2nd or 3rd grade after being hit in the head with a flying shoe and probably having a concussion, but never taken to a hospital. Numerous times all 4 of us were lined up and beaten with a belt until we "confessed" to whatever dad was after us about. I was asked at least twice about marks on my legs although for some reason I never told anyone my dad was the reason for them. When I was older I also had a phone ripped out of the wall in front of me while trying to call 911 to report him for child abuse when he was beating on one of my brothers. All this by an ordained minister. Is it any wonder I have nothing to do with organized religion?


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## CrazyCatLady

I checked "abused". It's weird though because I was actually spanked very little compared to many others. Lots of being smacked, hair pulled, pushed, shaken and that sort of stuff though.

There was a weird sexual undertone to many of the punishments, that seems to have messed me up pretty badly.

I still say the verbal and emotional abuse was the worse. Man were my parents good at it to. I've still yet to hear people scream as loud as they could.


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## sally Z

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2much2luv* 
I was spanked regularly, not abused. I struggle with the urge to spank my own children.


ditto, it is the worst part of being spanked to me is the anger=violence cycle it creates. It is hard to break but i WILL do it so this cycle can die with me


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## Nimbus

I was spanked a several times a year, almost always with a wooden spoon -- sometimes it was broken over my bottom. It's odd to me that I don't think this was abusive, but I certainly would if someone did it to my child.


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## lexmas

nak...so please excuse typos

This is a little OT, but this thread really reminded me of one of my professors from college (Cultural Anthropology--Bob Dentan) who is pretty well known for his work with the Semai (a non-violent people from Malasia) and one of the major parts of his work was about how they don't punish their children. I would assume someone on here knows about them, but for those of you who don't, you may want to read about them, it's interesting. (okay, well, I didn't read his work since I got it straight from the source...







but I assume he writes as well as he speaks) But anyway, the Semai never force their children to do something that they don't want to, because their children have their own will.

Dentan spent a lot of time with us talking about how "children aren't people" culturally, and the example he used was that "That's why it's okay to hit them. You would never hit another adult, or treat them as poorly as you do your child." But I guess when he brought up spanking to the Semai, they didn't understand what good it was supposed to do, and he noted that after a child said they didn't want to do something, and the parent recognized that it was within their right to do that, eventually, they got up and did it, because "children want to do good things and generally want to please their parents". He also spoke of how, if you pay a little attention to children they will generally want to keep you happy, because generally society ignores children completely...because they aren't people.

Sorry for the long post, but this post reminded me that there are cultures of the world (not many, that's why the Semai are so noteworthy)that view children as people, and whatever is "necessary" about spanking and punishment certainly isn't universally accepted (on a cultural level). Dentan speculates that, at least here in America, we spank because we want children to fear us, because it's easier to control children (or anyone, really)that way.







: I still remember his confusion at why you would want your child to fear you! However, as a culture, the idea that you don't have to forcibly control your children is just remarkable.

So, long story short, good for you for seeing spanking as abusive, and recognizing your children as people by not treating them as lesser than that!


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## WuWei

lexmas, thank you for sharing that information. I'm going to look into it!! Consider checking out our website about living consensually, even with children. It is in my sig line. In our family, no one has to do anything they don't want to do.









Pat


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## AutumnMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nimbus* 
I was spanked a several times a year, almost always with a wooden spoon .... It's odd to me that I don't think this was abusive, but I certainly would if someone did it to my child.

Yes, I voted regularly but not abusive...I was spanked with an open hand, wooden spoon, spatula/whatever kitchen utensil that was 'appropriate', and a belt (often).
I still don't feel abused, I love my parents and have a wonderful relationship with them; however when I really think about it, man, that's pretty nasty...a leather belt?? Sheesh, if anybody did that to my kids I'd never see or speak to them again! I'd quite probably report them to the police for abuse as well.


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## candipooh

abused. A great one was when I was too was being yelled at (we were at the table eating) I was very scared of my dad. He kept screaming at me and I was too scared to answer. I tried to force myself to not shrug my shoulders but I really couldn't help it. He back handed me so hard that I flew backwards off the chair. I had a bloody nose and I strongly believe the life long neck problems I have are a result of that. Not as bad as some have it but it was abuse.

I struggle with my anger. I struggle with spanking my own children. I want to stop I have tried to stop. I have come to the GD form a bunch of times over the years to get help but I get run off. The people that see things as so...black and white do not see the big picture. Every single time I come to the GD form to learn to be a better mother to my daughters I get compared to my father. Yes, what I do (a smack on the bum or face every once in awhile) is NO WHERE NEAR what I had to suffer as a child.

So here I am once again. Knowing that I will get run off but willing to take that chance.

I was abused. I want to stop spanking my daughters. I am not my father.


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## Ex Libris

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
abused. A great one was when I was too was being yelled at (we were at the table eating) I was very scared of my dad. He kept screaming at me and I was too scared to answer. I tried to force myself to not shrug my shoulders but I really couldn't help it. He back handed me so hard that I flew backwards off the chair. I had a bloody nose and I strongly believe the life long neck problems I have are a result of that. Not as bad as some have it but it was abuse.

I struggle with my anger. I struggle with spanking my own children. I want to stop I have tried to stop. I have come to the GD form a bunch of times over the years to get help but I get run off. The people that see things as so...black and white do not see the big picture. Every single time I come to the GD form to learn to be a better mother to my daughters I get compared to my father. Yes, what I do (a smack on the bum or face every once in awhile) is NO WHERE NEAR what I had to suffer as a child.

So here I am once again. Knowing that I will get run off but willing to take that chance.

I was abused. I want to stop spanking my daughters. I am not my father.

I'm sorry you've been run off in the past, candipooh.







I've seen it happen in other forums for other reasons. We should be here to help and support each other, not to judge. Otherwise we _do_ run the risk of becoming our parents and reverting back to how we were raised (I'm at my worst when I'm acting like my mother).

I'd be happy to participate in a supportive, non-judgmental thread with you about controlling anger (and the not-so-attractive behaviors that come from it). While I've never hit my child, I struggle all the time with my anger that comes from the abuse I received (physical and, especially, emotional). I'd love to swap ideas for how to quiet those feelings. I think that this thread right here suggests that there's a need for it.

Kelly


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## candipooh

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ex Libris* 

I'd be happy to participate in a supportive, non-judgmental thread with you about controlling anger











Thank you.

Yesterday was a very bad day for me.


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## starlein26

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Naughty Dingo* 
I was spanked often with a wooden spoon or hairbrush. In the past I have never considered it abuse, but if I did it to my kids I would consider it abuse.......

ND

Yeah...that's how I feel too.


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## mom2snugbugs

I was going to say yes to regularly, but not abuse, until I had my own kids, and started to remember. My mom would deny, but I would say what she did to me was abuse. The only time she hit us was in a rage. And usually with things. The last time she did it I was 16, I was bigger than her, and she hit me with an open umbrella several time. We were going to family therapy at the time. I told the counselor, who told my mom that if she did it again, she would report her. The story of my childhood is longer than this, but I feel like I was physically and emotionally abused. I have issues with spanking our kids. I hate spanking, but have spanked my daughter 2-3 times. I hate myself for it.







:

OT- My mom has changed a lot, and has admitted to not being the greatest mom. I know she would never spank my kids, but I still have trust issues with her. It's a difficult road.


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## WuWei

There are two long, non-judgmental threads in Personal Growth and Parenting Issues. Both threads have been helping mamas for more than a year.

*"Parenting and Rage"*: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

*"My Challenge, My Love":* http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

Anyone is welcome to read the journey and stories of many mamas who have been through similar struggles. Please consider reading and sharing your challenges there, or here in the GD forum.

Pat


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## captivatedlife

Wow. I don't like looking at all the abuse voted...







unfortunatley, I voted it also. Seeing as there were multiple instances of belts and welts, hair dragging, and doubled up fist or open handed face slapping, I can't really get around it. Of course, he would say that I deserved it, it must have been my fault for disrespecting him....

Yeah right. That's called an anger problem.


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## Ex Libris

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
There are two long, non-judgmental threads in Personal Growth and Parenting Issues. Both threads have been helping mamas for more than a year.

*"Parenting and Rage"*: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

*"My Challenge, My Love":* http://www.mothering.com/discussions...parenting+rage

Anyone is welcome to read the journey and stories of many mamas who have been through similar struggles. Please consider reading and sharing your challenges there, or here in the GD forum.

Pat

Thanks for finding these threads.


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## peacelovingmama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WuWei* 
Quoting myself. It needed to be repeated.







No one deserves to be hit. Certainly not children. *People are not meant for hitting. Children are people too.*

Pat


I agree. It makes me so sad to hear people saying they "deserved" to be hit. No one deserves to have her/his body violated. We even have laws against hitting adult prisoners for "misbehaving" (in the absence of self-defense). Why would a child be more deserving of violence than a convicted murderer/rapist, etc? She/he isn't.


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## peacelovingmama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
abused. A great one was when I was too was being yelled at (we were at the table eating) I was very scared of my dad. He kept screaming at me and I was too scared to answer. I tried to force myself to not shrug my shoulders but I really couldn't help it. He back handed me so hard that I flew backwards off the chair. I had a bloody nose and I strongly believe the life long neck problems I have are a result of that. Not as bad as some have it but it was abuse.

I struggle with my anger. I struggle with spanking my own children. I want to stop I have tried to stop. I have come to the GD form a bunch of times over the years to get help but I get run off. The people that see things as so...black and white do not see the big picture. Every single time I come to the GD form to learn to be a better mother to my daughters I get compared to my father. Yes, what I do (a smack on the bum or face every once in awhile) is NO WHERE NEAR what I had to suffer as a child.

So here I am once again. Knowing that I will get run off but willing to take that chance.

I was abused. I want to stop spanking my daughters. I am not my father.


I am sorry you were run off in the past. This forum exists to help people discipline gently and I think you absolutely belong here if you struggle with that and have the courage and desire to change. I hope you get nothing but support and good advice and that you stick around. Hopefully the threads WuWei posted will be helpful to you. We are all here to help, not judge.







The only people who aren't welcome here are those who insist on rationalizing/defending/celebrating violence against children.


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## mrsalf97

yes


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## mavery

I voted 1-4, but really my mother only slapped (probably her flat hand on my clothed bottom--I don't remember it) me once and she says I was so devastated that she never considered doing it again. My sister was slapped a couple more times, but it was definitely not a "parenting tool" in our house.

A few days ago outside my ds's preschool I was talking to a couple of mothers about some struggles my ds and I had been having recently, and was stunned to find that two of the three women recommended I hit him. I stayed pretty calm and just said I didn't feel that was right, but I am still amazed.


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## KaraBoo

It's interesting to note that some posters say they were spanked but not abused. If you spanked your child today, would others consider it abuse? Would you?

(I'm genuinely curious, not trying to make someone feel attacked for their perspective.)


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## WuWei

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaraBoo* 
It's interesting to note that some posters say they were spanked but not abused. If you spanked your child today, would others consider it abuse? Would you?

(I'm genuinely curious, not trying to make someone feel attacked for their perspective.)

KaraBoo, I believe that abuse is in the eye of the beholder, that we can not judge that for another. I believe that an inescapable atmosphere of fear and intimidation creates an atmosphere of disempowerment, from my own personal experience. Does it serve some purpose to call it abuse? I prefer to focus on what we can work toward, so that all needs are heard, considered, and addressed, without fear or threats. Learning these new tools of interaction need models of a different way. One can not parent differently than they experienced, if you've never known or learned another way. We do what we know.

Pat


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## acamile14

Yep I was spanked with the leathe belt, wooden paddle, oh and sometimes a switch. I was spanked alot but i dont feel i was abused. However I will never spank my child


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## mamabeca

Yes, and it's taken me 20+ years to admit (process process process) that is was abuse. A lot of emotional abuse (from name calling to cold shoulder to actual neglect), almost daily physical contact (I shirk from my mom even today). It isn't the worst story I've ever heard, but it's taken me half my life to process it and begin to heal myself. Having kids is SO HARD. It brings up all those moments (hey - I never got away with that kind of thing!), and my kids can push my buttons faster and better than anyone (other than my brothers lol!). VERY tough.


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## PrennaMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mavery* 

A few days ago outside my ds's preschool I was talking to a couple of mothers about some struggles my ds and I had been having recently, and was stunned to find that two of the three women recommended I hit him. I stayed pretty calm and just said I didn't feel that was right, but I am still amazed.









:
Wow.

I can't even imagine someone _recommending_ we hit our children... I guess I think it's a dirty little secret, something people do that they aren't nec. proud of, that most semi-sane people would never openly and cheerfully admit, much less _proscribe_ to another!


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