# MIL vent -- need advice, about to separate our families



## Barefoot Farmer (Feb 13, 2004)

I'm going to keep this brief as I know MIL vents are full of emotion and sometimes not rational thought (well, at least mine sometimes aren't), but something has to drastically change in our lives and I need some wise women to help me make sure I don't take a wrong step here. A brief synopsis would be that my MIL has been ignoring my NFL beliefs and practices for 3 years (including dressing my DD is clothes I disapprove of, bringing DD to stores and letting her "pick out whatever she wants, advocating her watching TV, encouraging sweets (and ice cream when she is allergic to dairy), and the list could go on forever. MIL lives 5 hours a way and sees DD about once every 6 wks, sometimes for a week at a time. There have been numerous conversations about our parenting differences and our NFL beliefs. DH is totally on board and talks to his mom and his words fall on deaf ears. Only when I speak up, and rather drastically, do things ever happen. Okay, there's the history, here is what happened today: DD turned 3 yesterday and we had a beautiful day together, including playing outside with friends, a great dinner, and stories with her godfather. The plan was for MIL and family to come to our home for a SMALL FAMILY LUNCH, CAKE, AND A FEW GIFTS, EXPLICITY STATED NO PARTY, NO CRAZY STUFF, ETC. FIL (who we love and who is generally on board with me and DH) has been ill lately and couldn't make the trip for the lunch. I offered that DH and DD drive the 5 hrs to see her grandparents. I would have to stay home as I work weekend-nights. When I made this offer, I EXPLICITY STATED NO PARTY, NO CRAZY STUFF, ETC. When DH arrived, the house was covered in streamers, balloons, paper plates, the works -- the cake was a dress with a plastic doll head on top







I don't know if my anger is overtopping my moritification that my daughter has been exposed to this. I just can't do this anymore. I can't accept her blatant ignoring of my wishes.

What should I do mamas?? Here is what I think are my options:
1. Call her tonight, when DH and DD are still there, and tell her she has hurt my feelings and I can't trust her. This is never happening again.
2. Write her an email, same as above.
3. Do nothing, just make sure DD is never alone with her again.
4. Make it so that all celebrations (including Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc) will now be permanently in my home. This would definitely cause family strife. . .
4. Somehow learn to accept that her way is different than my way and that my DD won't be forever scarred by this and other furture happenings. (I'll need help on this one).
5. Some other option that I haven't thought of. . . . .

Any advice is certainly appreciated. TIA


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Well, thing is- you're the mom. Why are you sending your dd at only 3 (too young to speak up) to stay with people who don't respect your parenting wishes for a week at a time?

Now, personally the cake and streamers wouldn't matter to me- seems silly- but what is important is that they were not okay with YOU and you said so. Clearly there is no respect. If they weren't related would you send her over there? Probably not.

-Angela


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## EStraiton (Sep 6, 2005)

What about the event has you so upset? Is it the plastic doll and the party or is it something else? I have many NFL beliefs but I also know that my MIL and my mother will spoil and buy my girls anything if they could.. when the girls go there they do get sweets and play with plastic toys and I don't think that will scar them for life - they also get lots and lots of hugs and kisses and love, and honestly that is what is important.

I'm not trying to negate your feelings at all.. but it seems that the visits are so infrequent and she lives so far away that it really isn't something that I can see as harmful (unless there is more that i'm missing). My MIL lives down the road and I have to bite my tounge almost weekly about sweets, tv and plastic at grammies but I feel ok about that because I do what I can at my house and I realize that what MIL is doing is out of love... believe me, that is what your child will remember.. not what was on top of the birthday cake.

Hope I didn't offend... I would just hate to see you make waves when MIL probably thought she was doing something really special for your dd and 'meant' well.

xoxo
eileen


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## scoobers (Jun 24, 2005)

Sorry you're going through that.







I know family troubles can be hard.

My MIL does some things that I'm not crazy about...TV, candy, ridiculous amounts of presents. That said, DS LOVES her and Grandpa and they love him so I feel really lucky there. (My husband and I joke that Grandma and Grandpa's house is a magical fairyland!)

My DS is her only grandchild and will be her only grandchild as husband is an only child and we're not having any more (I think). So, I've just decided to make an (internal) list of what I can live with and what I can't.
I have to say I feel pretty lucky because they really are awesome and do try to follow my wishes for the most part but it's been a learning experience. Because they are on the other coast my son doesn't see them that often so I don't make a huge deal about the candy and presents but I did talk to them about appropriate TV in a nice way.

The specifics you list about the party wouldn't bother me. What's the problem with having a party? Was it that it was a doll cake or just any cake? Dairy? Why are balloons and streamers bad?

To me, options 1-4 seem extreme, especially 3 and 4.

I would pick 5 but add that if there are things that REALLY bother you just try to talk to her about it in a non-confrontational way and see if you can get her onto the same page.

Best of luck, that's a tough situation!


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## Barefoot Farmer (Feb 13, 2004)

Thanks for the quick responses mamas. For clarification, I've NEVER sent DD to stay with MIL for a week. MIL comes to my home for the week and they may do day-outings together when I'm working or at school. This is only the second time DD has been to their home w/o me, and it is for 1 night, and she is with DH.

I am not offended by anyone's suggestions. I understand that streamers/balloons aren't insane and are normal birthday stuff -- but not in my house, not this year. We made a conscious decision that a big b-day party every year wasn't going to be a our practice and that on the years we weren't having parties, it would be a quiet family dinner or lunch. We are pretty crunchy by most standards and tend not to endorse using things that are "extravagant" or "meaningless" such as paper streamers,balloons, etc. The cake things is insane to me -- my DD hardly plays with plastic toys and a doll head on a cake seems very creepy to me. But the frustration point for me, is this was all explicitly stated and then explicitly ignored. I have had many instances of me "letting go" and trusting MIL, just to be shown that she will blatantly ignore my wishes. I just can't go on like this. I can't go on being ignored.

Yes, DD is completely loved by her grandparents, but at this point, I'm thinking, they can love her at my place, under my supervision, because I don't want to constantly be wondering if they are undermining my parenting principles.

What do you all think? Am I really over the top here?


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## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna*
Well, thing is- you're the mom. Why are you sending your dd at only 3 (too young to speak up) to stay with people who don't respect your parenting wishes for a week at a time?

Now, personally the cake and streamers wouldn't matter to me- seems silly- but what is important is that they were not okay with YOU and you said so. Clearly there is no respect. If they weren't related would you send her over there? Probably not.









:


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

#4. Your DD will and probably already does know that things are different in your house than they are at Grandma's. Your opinions and thoughts and beliefs are far more important to your daughter than her grandma's are. Keep in mind that regardless of what Grandma does, you will always be her Mommy and it will be easy for you to counteract any perceived consumerism that she might learn at her grandma's.

I also don't understand what's so wrong about having a party but we are big party-throwers. Is this a religious thing that you forgot to mention? I feel that you can have non-consumer driven parties, either donate all gifts to charity or ask for gently used items only.

As far as the visits to Grandma's house, where DD is allowed to watch tv, eating sweets and ice cream (despite her allergy), these are things that bother me. I would never even leave my 5 and 7 year old at their grandparents for more than one night. I think you should stop letting her visit for so long if you don't like the way your MIL treats her daughter, let it be a health issue, that she gets sick when she eats ice cream and if you can't be sure that DD won't eat ice cream while at Grandma's, then she doesn't get to be there without your supervision.

Honestly, I think Grandparents are designed to treat their grandchildren specially, extra specially, to make them feel so incredibly loved. I totally look forward to being a grandmother so I can do all kinds of fun and special stuff with my grandchildren and not have to worry about all the disciplining and work. I love my children now but when they grow, I will be so excited to have grandchildren to give all that extra love to. I think it sounds like your daughter has a Grandmother who LOVE LOVE LOVES her and this is the way she knows to show her love. Perhaps she has been dreaming of having grandchildren her whole life and she so looks forward to give your daughter those extra special treats and surprises, just 'cause. I know I look forward to doing that when I am a grandmother and if my daughter or daughter-in-law told me not to do it, I'd be crushed.

ETA: By the time I finished this, you had posted and explained about the visits and other stuff, so some of what I've written no longer applies. I'll just leave it though. With your further clarification, it does sound more like your MIL is ignoring your parenting choices, which isn't good. I definitely think it'd be much easier for you to limit visits to those where you will be there. You can't limit them to your house, because of FIL, that wouldn't be fair, I think.


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## Cuau (Jul 27, 2006)

Although I'm not a mama yet, I can tell you my own experience with my sister. She has two kids and she is extremely traditionalist (I'm not saying is bad, I'm just saying is different than how we were raised). As so, she has had many missunderstandings with my parents, because they want the kids to be "normal", i.e. play with other kids, watch a little TV, wear earings,etc.

I have avoided all those troubles by listening and being respectfull to her wishes. I don't know if she is right, but she is the mom!

That said, I would say go with number 2, for me writting is a lot easier than speaking and emotions are easier to control. Try to be very polite and explain her that you don't want to create confusion for DD, that you do appreciate a lot what she is doing for her, but is not what you want. After you write the email, read it aloud and try to read it as if you were your MIL, I know she might be totally wrong, but she does have feelings, and she loves DD

Good luck in whatever you decide, and remember your choice is going to have an effect on DD-MIL relations, you want to keep everything healthy!


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Wow.

About to _separate your familes_?

When I opened this thread I was expecting to hear some really outrageous, really unacceptable things about your child's grandparents. But what I'm hearing is that you're angry that grandma _spoils her grandkids_? Once every six weeks? So you're going to sever the relationship between your children and their grandparents - your husband's family - over this?

Oh dear. I'm sorry, I just don't think I can really weigh in on this topic because I'm so far from understanding where it is that you're coming from that I can't even begin to get my mind around it.


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## mamascarlett (Apr 5, 2006)

Whether cake, gifts, & streamers are harmfull or harmless is beside the point- She didn't respect your wishes! I don't think you are over-reacting. You should let her know loud & clear that you are not going to let her walk on you.


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## mccelticmom (Aug 6, 2006)

While I don't think you should set aside your child rearing *values*, I do think though you would benefit from figuring out which values are the MOST important right now. What I mean is, you and I both know the norm for birthdays. So, MIL feels your child needed a birthday party enough to completely ignore your wishes and statements to her. I'm thinking there's no respect to even begin with...so, in order for this all to somehow work, there is going to have to be some giving in...and I'm here to tell you, your MIL will not give in until she sees you do the same.

So, lets say, you do not want your child eating ice cream and cake. You could decide...is eating this worse than her getting balloons? (I'm just using a senerio)...then compromise comes in...yes, granny, you can get her a few balloons and a present but please no cake and ice cream...see? MIL is probably happy, you are okay (I guess)...

Sigh...my brother and his wife was very strict about some things with their first child. Not at all saying anything against this, but I did see my mom get to the point that she didn't even want to visit them for fear of doing something wrong. Please think about that...while I don't think your child will be scarred for life...I do respect your values...just wanted to share the other side of the story for you.

Guess what I am saying is that there is a way for both of you to feel happy about this relationship, it's just going to take both of you giving a little.

Sending peaceful thoughts your way!


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

I'll be blunt. You are blowing this way, way, way out of proportion.

You need to step back and think about what's more important...a set of grandparents in your dd's life who love her and treat her well, or biting off your dd's nose to spite her face.

Talk to your ILs about respecting your rules, but otherwise, for the sake of your dd, chill out. You're talking about a cake and some streamers. The world is not going to end.


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## Barefoot Farmer (Feb 13, 2004)

I want to keep this conversation going b/c you are all helping me.

Blessed, I see your point. I really, really do. I know it can certainly be viewed as "just spoiling" -- but when does it turn into completely and utterly ignoring of my wishes.

I guess the breaking point has come for me because I purposefully forfeited this lunch/party at my house so that they could be involved (I see this as me giving here a little) and instead of taking what I give, she runs over me.

My posts haven't included the many instances of me saying, "yes, nana you can take DD for a treat, but please don't go to a store and bring some useless plastic toy home" and she takes her for ice cream, takes her to a store, and then . . . I could go on forever. I have really self-examined here and I think I have really comprimsed in many areas -- DD goes to church with them (and me!) when they are visiting (we aren't Catholic, grandparents are), DD is learning that we are vegetarian, Grandparents aren't, but that is okay and good and respectful; Again, I feel like I could go on forever. It just seems like I am the one always giving in. When is it her turn to give in a little and accept my principles?


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## Barefoot Farmer (Feb 13, 2004)

Jonnarache, I get your point and I agree with the main point. Streamers and Balloons aren't the end of the world. But what if, "talk to your ILs about respecting your rules" goes no where......do I have no right to stand up for myself? my wishes?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joannarachel*
I'll be blunt. You are blowing this way, way, way out of proportion.

You need to step back and think about what's more important...a set of grandparents in your dd's life who love her and treat her well, or biting off your dd's nose to spite her face.

Talk to your ILs about respecting your rules, but otherwise, for the sake of your dd, chill out. You're talking about a cake and some streamers. The world is not going to end.


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## Jane's4 (Oct 18, 2005)

These issues are so tricky--on the one hand, the infractions seem "relatively" minor, but you are absolutely right that at the core, your MIL keeps disrespecting your role as the decision-maker for your daughter, and that is not a minor problem at all.

I can't tell you what to do, but I will relate a little of my own experience. My oldest is 7, and from the day he was born my MIL has been ignoring my wishes on "little" things, much in line with what you are mentioning. I chose to let it go. Again. And again. For the sake of fostering a good relationship with my child's grandmother. Little things became bigger things, and 7 years later things are out of control (Smoking in front of my children, refusing to lock up medications and guns when my children are in their home, and so on). It is horrible. My husband and I have tried to gently lay down some better boundaries but years of us giving in have turned it into a very ill-received endeavor. We can't leave our children alone with the ILs for even a moment, and it's so sad because they do love my kids, and my kids love them. Sadder still because I feel we could have avoided so much of this if we had been more firm in the first place.


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## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

My MIL does some similar things. She watches my kids, for free, while I'm working (I just became a teacher after 3 years of school). She does many, many things that bug me.

Basically what I've done is learned to separate the 'biggies' from the 'smallies'. Only you can determine what is really fighting for. She's probably not doing it intentionally to undermine your authority, she's just doing what she likes to do.

My 'biggies' are car seat safety. When dd was a baby, MIL kept buying different carseats from yard sales, salvation army, etc., b/c 'dd didn't like hers'. (the one I bought/borrowed from a friend, so I knew it hadn't been recalled/in accident). She had her latest 'find' in the car, but promised she hadn't used it (yet). I told her if she EVER put dd's butt in that seat, I would quit my job, sell my house, live in a box if necessary, but she would NEVER see dd again.

If your 'biggie' is plastic toys, then it is. If it's parties, that's ok, too. But, if you're telling them how to do things all the time, they will think you're overreacting and say 'yeah, yeah' and do whatever they want anyway. I just ask myself 'is it THAT big of a deal or am I just upset I'm not in complete control' to determine my biggies and smallies.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

OK, I'm sorry but I agree with those who said you are really overreacting to this. I'm about the most anti-big-party person you will ever, ever meet...if you ambushed me on my birthday with loud music and streamers and a crowd of people I'd probably start hyperventilating and hide in the bathroom. But nonetheless, I'm just not seeing that big of a problem, here.

Yeah the doll's head cake is creepy...to us, as adults, cynical, jaded, worldly adults.







As a little kid I probably would have thought it was neat. Or I would have thought "huh, cake, yummy, weird looking but...yummy!"

Maybe there is a pattern of disrespect directed at you from your inlaws, I don't know y'all well enough to say. But if I may play devil's advocate for a minute, I can see this from your MIL's POV. She's probably thinking "my god my daughter in law is the most uptight person in the world." Because cake...streamers...most people see these as not only benign but symbols of joy and fun.

You have to pick your battles and count your blessings. Your kid has a grandma who gives enough of a damn to throw a big old birthday party. That's a helluva lot more than my kid has. My kid has four distant, cold weirdos for grandparents. And if the biggest falling out you have over childrearing with your extended family is over cake, bless you and your fortunate life. There's people here posting weekly about their inlaws being sexually inappropriate, using shame and threats as discipline, forgetting kids' birthdays, making racist remarks about adopted babies...you get the picture. Cake? Take a deep breath and try to see the forest for the trees.


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## Autoemesiss (Jul 31, 2006)

AliciaO, Hey girl, I am totally there with ya. My MIL is compeletly disrespectful of our values and beliefs.

Its is such a tough spot. On one hand you want your DD to have a relationship with her grandmother but on the other hand you want to lay down the law with the MIL (which in my case) which would leave to hurting the DD's relationship with grandma.

And here is what I struggle with... Look at it from your daughter's eyes. She will watch your interaction with your MIL and learn that grandma can disrespect mum and mum's rules aren't solid because grandma can break them...

So what do you do? I dunno, I haven't figured it out. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.


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## momto l&a (Jul 31, 2002)

I vote #3


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## onlyboys (Feb 12, 2004)

I, too, opened this thread hoping to commiserate with another mama about her horrible inlaws.

Instead, I read that you're angry with your inlaws for how their materialism seems to trump your anti-materialism, and they don't respect your boundaries with regards to stuff (and sugar, but I get that part.







)

*sigh*

If you'd like to hear how terrible inlaws can get, I can send you the email that my FIL sent me after they found out we were pregnant with their fourth grandchild. It sent me spiralling--they HATE me.

So, take my perspective for what it's worth.

They sound harmless. Kids learn early on that things that they can do at their grandparents' homes can be so different--diametrically opposed, even--to those things that are allowed at home. It's one of the things I loved most about being a kid. My mother believed that we shouldn't have coke. Period. My grandmother always had a glass one liter bottle of coke that we drank out of little Mickey Mouse cups at her house. It was lovely and still remains one of my favorite memories...

I say that you should ignore it all. Count your blessings. Thank your inlaws for not saying that you are mentally deficient because you want a large family.


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## sparklefairy (May 21, 2005)

You had party plans already and MIL ignored them and took it upon herself to do the party? This is not the same as another holiday (so I wouldn't bring Thanksgiving, etc. into the mix). MIL had her kids and got to plan their parties; now it's your turn. It's ironic that in order to make sure FIL was include MOM got left out!?!?

I think this is something for DH to "handle," though.


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## NaomiLorelie (Sep 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sparklefairy*
I think this is something for DH to "handle," though.

I know you said that she doesn't listen to her son. Well, maybe it's time she learned to respect her son as he is the father now. I do think that the issue should be addressed. She can't think they can trample all over your rules and wishes. But maybe cut her little slack too. I bet anything that if you address this issue with a willingness to compromise she would be much more respectful of your rules. Maybe let her buy the crappy plastic toy, but request that it stays at her house so DD can play with it there. Your daughter won't be ruined by occasional exposure to the mainstream but she will always remember fun times with grandma.


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## punkinsmommy (Apr 28, 2006)

My best advice; pick your battles. She's always going to be your MIL, your DH's mother, and your dc grandmother. Decide what you can and can not live with. If you really and truely can't live with your DD being exposed to those things, then do what you have to do. But keep in mind (and this is coming from a child who was cut off from grandparents for good reasons) your DD may just resent you for it in the future. I know I did.

Sometimes, when families have such different views on things, everyone needs to compromise. That includes you. And the reality is, family is important. Even crazy MILs.









With that being said, she does need to respect your general wishes and needs to be told when you feel like she has done something inappropriate. Be honest with her, either in an email or phone call. But know ahead of time she may not agree with you and that is her right. It's your right as your DDs parent to decide what you will and won't tolerate. Just be sure you know the full consequences of whatever you do.

Good luck.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Maybe MIL just wants to share her own special things with her grandbaby. She wants to enjoy big fancy parties, etc. She wants to foster a certain kind of relationship with this child she loves. Their are worse things.....

I do understand, our beliefs have often been compromised in dealings with grandparents. But having a circle of adults who love and cherish a child (despite the different beliefs and wishes) is just so important.

I would agree with the "pick your battles" idea. Really, if you didn't like the birthday she had you should have spent the day quietly as a family. If you know she is like this it is up to YOU to decide when it is okay to be exposed to grandma and when it would compromise your beliefs (like the birthday). We certainly don't spend easter morning with my in-laws as it is a Christian event and we wouldn't expect them to celebrate it in a way we would be comfortable with as Buddhists. But Thanksgiving is a-ok. We sit silently through prayer time and then eat a great meal.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I'm with the pick your battles people.

Food allergies? That's important.

Crazy out of contol parties? Less important.

Don't tell her you can't trust her. You can't trust her, you know that, and she knows that, and-- that's it. You can't send a kid for solo overnights with people who are going to feed her things that make her ill. You don't have to make it explicit.

Don't make a rift with her now when your beloved FIL is sick. Cut her slack about that. You need to be able to support them during something like this.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Your mistake was taking dd to their house on HER birthday. And did you say no doll cake? How would MIL have known that that would bother you? And "No party" to her may have meant don't invite all the neighbors on the block, not necessarily "no streamers." Not to be unsympathetic, but I'm with the "I have way worse in-law stories" camp.

(And I loved my mom's doll cakes when I was a child, for what it's worth.)


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## Jane (May 15, 2002)

If you can get together on this with your dh, just tell yourselves that she hasn't been able to make good choices when given opportunities, so she won't have those opportunities again. She is welcome to come visit and you will go there, but her unsupervised time is now very limited and she doesn't get to bring wrapped presents, only unwrapped ones for approval.

On the other hand, perhaps you should also have a talk about boundaries and big stuff/little stuff. You might decide to cede all worries about occasional junk food and naps, but keep the line on allergy foods and clothing choices. Or vice versa, but something that makes sense to you and dh. You might even write it down to help make it permanent.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

ITA with the others about picking your battles.

I personally don't see a problem with balloons and streamers. The cake could be a problem because of food allergies- I have to be careful what I let my 10yo eat because she gets behavioral reactions to things like artificial colors and flavors. But a plain white cake with plain white frosting and a big plastic doll on top? Sounds good to me! (pink frosting would be a huge problem though.)


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sparklefairy*
You had party plans already and MIL ignored them and took it upon herself to do the party? This is not the same as another holiday (so I wouldn't bring Thanksgiving, etc. into the mix). MIL had her kids and got to plan their parties; now it's your turn. It's ironic that in order to make sure FIL was include MOM got left out!?!?

I think this is something for DH to "handle," though.

OTOH I think it's okay to have different rules for different houses but OTOH your MIL went against you wishes after you explicitly stated them and that is wrong.

I agree that your dh needs to deal with this.

I just got back from visting my ILs and oh boy can I relate


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## CerridwenLorelei (Aug 28, 2002)

pour fourth.

I have seen other posts like this where the moms agree with the OP instead of telling her she is over reacting.
But I have seen several friends in your boat OP. It started out small things like what you mention. As the mil did more and more undermining here and there it started to snowball as the child got older. Then it became big issues between husband/wife/inlaw. Two I watched go down in flames and the mil in glee for having 'sonny boy' back in the 'family fold'. Is that what your mil is after? I can't say for sure.
Basically she has already shown she has no respect for you or the way you and your dh have chosen to raise your dd.
You stated no xyz. Your dh knew this and was part of the problem too. He should have just walked back out with a "mom we stated no xyz and you have disobeyed our wishes yet again" Until you are on the same page you are likely fighting a losing battle.
I would be terribly concerned about the cake though. What has happened in the past with the Ice Cream? Has your dd gotten sick? Maybe because she has gotten that ill mil thinks you are lying about her dairy allergy???


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## kewb (May 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AliciaO*
It just seems like I am the one always giving in. When is it her turn to give in a little and accept my principles?

I have no doubt you feel like you are always the one compromising. Ask your MIL and she will probably say the same thing.

Your MIL is not going to change. You and dh are banging your head against a brick wall.

You can change. I know this is difficult. I have similar issues with my in-laws. The bottom line is -my kids adore them. THe change I made-The bulk of the time they come here. On the occasions when they don't I have accepted that they will do as they please and my kids will have fun. I never has a big fallout over it or said anything. I just started inviting them over here for Holdiays. It is then their choice to attend or not.

The dairy allergy -that needs to be addressed as that is a health issue. If they continue to disregard it then you need to make sure their are no unsupervised visits.


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## sarahmck (Feb 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kewb*
You can change. I know this is difficult. I have similar issues with my in-laws. The bottom line is -my kids adore them. THe change I made-The bulk of the time they come here. On the occasions when they don't I have accepted that they will do as they please and my kids will have fun. I never has a big fallout over it or said anything. I just started inviting them over here for Holdiays. It is then their choice to attend or not.

I agree with kewb and the others who said that you should just assume that at nana's house, things aren't going to be the way you want. Only let DD go there when you're okay with the rules being broken.

Separately, I would choose the issues that I'm simply unwilling to accept ANY straying from. That sounds like the food issue. Maybe there's more. So once this party has passed and there's no impending visit, I would just write to MIL and explain the issues that I'm unwilling to compromise on (again, outside of the context of any particular future visit or complaining about a past visit). I would try to explain why these things are important to me. I would leave all the other issues alone.

Then when DD next has an opportunity to go to nana's, whether with you or only with DH, I would firmly remind nana of my big issues and let everything else go. Perhaps explain to DD that if nana gives her any toys that DD knows that she isn't allowed to have, she ought to leave them at nana's because if she brings them home, they will have to be donated. (If your DD is able to understand that concept.) And then when DD goes to nana's try to really be at peace with DD having a little treat, even it won't be the kind of treat that you would choose for her. A lot of people have posted about how their grandparents let them do things that they weren't allowed to do, and those are really enduring and sweet memories. If DD isn't seeing nana on a regular basis, especially not at her house, anything that's not a health issue for her probably won't have a lasting effect on her.

My grandmother had a jar of Hershey's kisses on top of a sideboard in her dining room. I can still picture the jar and how I had to climb on the window seat to get at it, even though she died when I was just barely 6. Would my mom have let me eat a whole bunch of Hershey's kisses? No. But it probably wasn't more damaging to me than losing my relationship with my grandmother prematurely would have been.

Not to ramble, but I say all of this with the assumption that you think that MIL is a generally good person who has good intentions that just don't match your own philosophy. If you think that she resents you and thinks that you're a freak who is raising her granddaughter to be a freak, I would go much more with the no unsupervised visits and only at your house plan.


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## Gigi2214 (Aug 13, 2006)

Hi Everyone...

I must say I saw this thread and went straight to it..







I definitely started on bad terms with my MIl. For the simple fact thats she is reeeeaaaaaaaaally nosey, she asks the price of EVERYTHING we buy, no matter how big or small it is. Always hounding us on saving money, we need to save, save save! All things that are true, but get a grip..We are very responsible and know what we're doing. I always tried to be smart about it and bi**hed about the BIG things like someone mentioned earlier.
When we had our 2 kids...I realized everything changed. My grandmother (R.I.P) told my dad when he was little..."If you love my DD/DS then I have to love you". I worked for the first 2 years my DD was born and right after my DS was born. She never charged us a dime... she let us borrow $4,000 for our down payment for our first townhome, bought our kids bedroom furniture. I mean I can go on and on about all the gracious things she's done for my kids. Don't get me wrong, she still annoys me and still gives her freaking opinions and throws her little hints on finding out how much we paid for things.
My kids adore her....what matters here is that she is so great with them. I've noticed quite a few moms mentioned this same thing.
I think you should just be grateful MIL is so good to your child and as a kid... why not have the streamers and cake?
What part of the cake seems creepy? I had several barbie doll cakes and I love them. If it's what I'm thinking, you see the head and arms of the cake and the dress is a cake.. right?

I think you should definitely find a way to tell MIL (however makes you most comfortable) to respect your wishes in your home. Now, since she lives so many hours away... whenever DD goes over... it's none of your business if she wants to have streamers ...doll cakes... or whatever waiting for DD because that's how she decides to show love and affection to your baby. As long as it's not affecting her health..allergies..
etc.

I definitely don't think you should get drastic over it and affect the relationship over it. Kids remember all those fun things when they are small. As long as you and DH are on the same page, than that's good.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Another vote for picking your battles, and huh? how big of a problem can streamers and cake be?









I do get the larger issue with her thinking your ideas are silly and ignoring them. That's a pain, definitely, but every interaction only has to be a power struggle if you LET it be.

Certainly you're the parent, but I can also see how frustrating it must be for a grandparent who feels that the parent is micromanaging their relationship with their grandchild. She's probably looked forward for years to being able to do this sort of thing with a granddaughter, and just doesn't get the "No, she's mine! And I SAID no [fill-in-the-blank here with 'ice cream,' 'parties,' or 'toys that go ping!']" perspective.

And I'm another one with MIL stories that could fill the day from here to tomorrow, too.


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## mama_b (Dec 14, 2004)

I totally disagree with most of the pp's. OP, it is clear that your MIL has a history of disrespecting you. Since what you tell her goes in one ear and out the other I vote not saying anything and just not leaving her alone with IL's anymore (can't remember what number that was,







).


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## sleepnrain (May 20, 2006)

Wow, I'm sorry to be blunt, but I really don't see how MIL throwing a party in HER house is your territory at all. I know it was for your daughter, but dictating what she can do for her grandchild in her own house seems a little extreme (food allergy issues aside of course).


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## RainCoastMama (Oct 13, 2004)

Agreed with most of the above posters.

Choose your most important battles and stick to them. *Especially* dealing with family.

While it seems like a pattern of disrespect towards you has started, I don't see evidence that your MIL is maliciously doing anything to hurt you, specifically. Family is so sacred, and you have to take people where they are at from a historical and cultural place, not colonize them with your own beliefs (rightfully so or not).

Battling every single little thing outside of your realm of control with not only drive everyone else nuts, but will make YOU nuts. And when it comes to grandparents...they are usually the second most important relationships outside of parents to kids. My grandmother meant so very much to me even though she and my mom were at loggerheads about a few things.

Streamers? Doll cake? Plastic toys? Treats? ...eh.

Physical abuse? Drunken babysitting? Cut off all contact.

Put it into perspective. It's not always all about you all the time (the generic you, not you per se







)


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## Barefoot Farmer (Feb 13, 2004)

Thank you all for your responses. I know that a lot of emotions can get stirred up, especially for me, when it comes to ILs. An update on this is that DH spoke to his mother last night and it blew up (surprise, surprise). MIL actually told DH not to tell me about the party -- just lie. Now there is some solid marriage advice!

I sent her a 4 page letter via email, describing my desire for her to have her own relationship with DD, but not disrespecting me as the mom or as a member of this family. I know that balloons and streamers aren't a big deal, but passive-aggressive ignoring of my wishes while I am attempting to be thoughtful about their current situation is not acceptable. Little things can add up along medium things and a few big things.

I hope things work out, but I'm not about to throw my values out the window so that Nana can pretend she is mommy again. She had her chance, now it is mine.


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## lauraheartslittle1 (Apr 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AliciaO*
(and ice cream when she is allergic to dairy)

That really concerns me. Why an adult would KNOW that a child is allergic to something and feed it to that child. That's not a lack of respect. That's not taking the child's health into consideration. I would tell her that she's welcome to spend time with her DGD when you are there. If she questions it... tell her that you do not feel comfortable leaving your DD with her since she doesn't respect your daughter's food allergies. That's just insane.

My DC is allergic to dairy (vomitting, diarrhea, breaks out in rashes, etc). My family KNOWS not to feed him dairy.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lauraheartslittle1*
That really concerns me. Why an adult would KNOW that a child is allergic to something and feed it to that child. That's not a lack of respect. That's not taking the child's health into consideration. I would tell her that DD will not be alone with he until she can prove she's not going to endanger your child by feeding her things that she is allergic to. That's just insane.

Food allergies can turn deadly without notice, too. I would not allow any unsupervised visits with her.

Sounds like the MIL is wanting to show she is boss. I would not let her.


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## Cougarmilk (May 27, 2006)

I may have missed something, but where does your dh stand on these issues?

It really isn't your job to interact this way with your MIL, it's your husband's job. A lot of times, men slack off and leave the communication up to their women and a lot of strife could be avoided if *he* communicated ith *her,* instead of you.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cougarmilk*
I may have missed something, but where does your dh stand on these issues?

It really isn't your job to interact this way with your MIL, it's your husband's job. A lot of times, men slack off and leave the communication up to their women and a lot of strife could be avoided if *he* communicated ith *her,* instead of you.


I agree. But unfortunately a lot of men , my husband included, just don't bother. They either don't love their wives and children enough to do what is right, or they just don't want to piss off their "mama". Or they just think the wife is "over-reacting". I finally told my husband that he either reins in his nosy mother and sisters, or I would. And I would not be nice about it.

Personally, I think that in a normal relationship, some of what the MIL does could be overlooked. But this OP has asked her MIL time after time, not to do this or that. She cannot possibly be so forgetful. She is doing it on purpose.


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## Kaitnbugsmom (Dec 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama_b*
I totally disagree with most of the pp's. OP, it is clear that your MIL has a history of disrespecting you. Since what you tell her goes in one ear and out the other I vote not saying anything and just not leaving her alone with IL's anymore (can't remember what number that was,







).

I agree. This is what we've had to do wrt my MIL. It stinks for FIL who is relatively innocent in all of this but it's the only solution that is workable for us.


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## Cougarmilk (May 27, 2006)

TB, I agree and I think that is why the dynamic between MIL and DIL is so oftentimes strained.

I wish more men would step up to the plate.

They wouldn't piss of dear mum as much as their wives and a lot of the reason MIL's can be so, well, the way they are is because they don't think their son agrees with his wife because he is such a weenie as not to speak up and assert himself and support his wife.


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## Barefoot Farmer (Feb 13, 2004)

Just a quick response here to address the issue of DH. DH is completely on board with these issues and is the first in line to respond to his mother's behaviors; however, she turns a deaf ear on him...seriously. When it is matters of us and our family, she has it in her head, that I am the ultimate decision maker and that DH is just a talking head. I feel bad for him, because he does address. In the past, it is only when I put my foot down so to speak that there has been some response by MIL. DH did speak with his mother last night and her entire response was directed at "me" not "us". In my email to her I did address this and emphasized we are a team, a mutual agreed upon team.


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## Cougarmilk (May 27, 2006)

Wow, she's a live wire.

If your dh, bless him, is on board, I'd have him talk with her preferably privately.

She really needs to respect the fact that you (both you and dh,) are adults and have the right to run your family as you see fit.


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## crbyard (Apr 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AliciaO*
Thanks for the quick responses mamas. For clarification, I've NEVER sent DD to stay with MIL for a week. MIL comes to my home for the week and they may do day-outings together when I'm working or at school. This is only the second time DD has been to their home w/o me, and it is for 1 night, and she is with DH.

I am not offended by anyone's suggestions. I understand that streamers/balloons aren't insane and are normal birthday stuff -- but not in my house, not this year. We made a conscious decision that a big b-day party every year wasn't going to be a our practice and that on the years we weren't having parties, it would be a quiet family dinner or lunch. We are pretty crunchy by most standards and tend not to endorse using things that are "extravagant" or "meaningless" such as paper streamers,balloons, etc. The cake things is insane to me -- my DD hardly plays with plastic toys and a doll head on a cake seems very creepy to me. But the frustration point for me, is this was all explicitly stated and then explicitly ignored. I have had many instances of me "letting go" and trusting MIL, just to be shown that she will blatantly ignore my wishes. I just can't go on like this. I can't go on being ignored.

Yes, DD is completely loved by her grandparents, but at this point, I'm thinking, they can love her at my place, under my supervision, because I don't want to constantly be wondering if they are undermining my parenting principles.

What do you all think? Am I really over the top here?

I hear you, sister! I don't think that you are crazy. I have the same problem with my very attentive, doting MIL. Yes, she loves her granddaughter, but she consistently and pointedly undermines my parenting principles. It isn't about the "streamers and cake," it's about the thoughtlessness behind it. Actually, it's not the thoughtlessness that bothers me, it's the calculated decisions to defy the guidelines I have set forth and the values they represent.

I have "let things go" too often and she thinks that she can get away with it. Just in the past week, I had to be very forward and state that I felt horrible that I couldn't trust her to watch dd because I felt that I couldn't trust that our decisions about delaying solids would be respected. She actually was very flustered and ended up apologising and swearing that she would never give dd anything we didn't approve of. I think that being open and direct without seeming hostile is the only way to go with these passive agressive women. They fight with actions they can play off as innocent. We have to combat that style of agression with calm, directed reason and direct speaking. It's really starting to help our situation. Get the guts up to try it. The worst that can happen is that you end up as the better person for it


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## Emmom (Sep 11, 2005)

I don't mean to sound obnoxious here, so bear with me.

I bet that if you started to respect your MIL's philosophies and lifestyle, she would start to respect yours (and listen to you about the important things like allergies.)
It's pretty obvious that you're disgusted by her way of life completely: over-the-top, consumption-driven, materialistic, whatever qualities you don't like about her. I'm sure she can sense that you don't like her lifestyle, and probably feels very defensive. Nobody wants to feel like a loved child/grandchild needs to be protected from them. Maybe she's ignoring your wishes because she doesn't like to feel judged. You two lead different lifestyles. Respect her, maybe she'll respect you. You don't have to agree to respect.

Could you try to reframe how you see her? Buying toys, throwing parties. Sounds like her way of expressing love to me. I often hear the different love languages referenced on MDC. I haven't read it, but someone else will know. Is 'giving things' one of the love languages? Maybe that's the only way MIL knows to love, and when you say 'stop giving' she hears 'stop loving.'


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## Em T (Mar 14, 2006)

My in-laws did stuff I totally disagreed with; the year our first 2 kids were 3 & 5 & we moved back to the same town they gave them each a large brown grocey sack full of those little cheap things that hang on racks in convenience stores, the kinds of things that break when you try to open the package. Just what a pregnant woman wants to see in her house, never mind the tears of frustration because it was all such junk! But you know, they loved the kids in their own way. Even though it wasn't my way their love & presence meant a lot to the children as they grew up. In the long run, that's what matters most.

It sounds like you think your MIL is deliberately manipulative & trying to undermine your parenting philosophy. Is there any way you can mediate? Start from rock bottom, what do both generations agree on? What do you disagree? Why is ______ important? Why do you think _______? It might be your MIL was responding to some time in her childhood when she didn't get attention & celebration & she's going overboard with your DD. Relationships can be very complex & sometimes intentions are not as straightforwardly good or bad as seem at first glance. Rather than issue ultimatums, why not try for a dialogue? Because if there is a total family split everyone will suffer, including your husband & daughter.

Honestly, to me it sounds like you take yourself way too seriiously. It would probably help you to lighten up, if only for your own stress levels & nerves. The only person's behavior you have any control over is your own, & people can't make you angry unless you allow them to. I wish you could calm down about this some & realize it's not the end of the world.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emmom*
I don't mean to sound obnoxious here, so bear with me.

I bet that if you started to respect your MIL's philosophies and lifestyle, she would start to respect yours (and listen to you about the important things like allergies.)
It's pretty obvious that you're disgusted by her way of life completely: over-the-top, consumption-driven, materialistic, whatever qualities you don't like about her. I'm sure she can sense that you don't like her lifestyle, and probably feels very defensive. Nobody wants to feel like a loved child/grandchild needs to be protected from them. Maybe she's ignoring your wishes because she doesn't like to feel judged. You two lead different lifestyles. Respect her, maybe she'll respect you. You don't have to agree to respect.

Could you try to reframe how you see her? Buying toys, throwing parties. Sounds like her way of expressing love to me. I often hear the different love languages referenced on MDC. I haven't read it, but someone else will know. Is 'giving things' one of the love languages? Maybe that's the only way MIL knows to love, and when you say 'stop giving' she hears 'stop loving.'


You make some valid points. However, I think this goes beyond respect and disrespect. What do you make of the food allergy thing? This MIL is totally putting her GC in danger. I find that to be totally wrong.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna*
Now, personally the cake and streamers wouldn't matter to me- seems silly-

-Angela

The main thing that I could think of with regards to the cake, other than the NFL parenting, is that cake batter has dairy in it. Most cakes have egg (even though it is not milk products, it does contain milk protien) and most also have butter (which is made from milk/cream).

I would be highly upset regarding the fact that she is blatently ignoring the fact that your child has allergies and putting her health, safety and life at risk (depending upon how serious the allergy is).


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## Emmom (Sep 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
What do you make of the food allergy thing? This MIL is totally putting her GC in danger. I find that to be totally wrong.

I wonder if the MIL doesn't realize how serious it is. She sounds like she loves her dgc--I'm sure she wouldn't put her in danger if she knew that's what she was doing. I guess I was thinking that if the OP and the MIL strengthened their relationship, then MIL could stop to listen to serious concerns like allergies. And in the meantime... if MIL is ignoring the allergy issue, maybe supervision is in order. Or maybe OP could do some more work to stress that particular issue... print out articles, buy books to present, etc. Isolate the serious issue. Like PPs said, pick your battles.
Obviously, I'm surmising from the posts I see--only the OP knows all the ins and outs of the situation.


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## momof4peppers (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AliciaO*
Just a quick response here to address the issue of DH. DH is completely on board with these issues and is the first in line to respond to his mother's behaviors; however, she turns a deaf ear on him...seriously. When it is matters of us and our family, she has it in her head, that I am the ultimate decision maker and that DH is just a talking head. I feel bad for him, because he does address. In the past, it is only when I put my foot down so to speak that there has been some response by MIL. DH did speak with his mother last night and her entire response was directed at "me" not "us". In my email to her I did address this and emphasized we are a team, a mutual agreed upon team.

What a difficult situation this whole thing is! But when I got to this post, I can see why your MIL thinks you're the one in charge. You said he talked to her, but then YOU followed up with an email. Which, in my mind, cemented her thinking that you are the one in charge.

I went through a phase where I absolutely positivel REFUSED to talk to my inlaws. AT. ALL. Got caller id, never returned messages, even made my DH write thank you notes for MY birthday gifts. I was a FREAK about it. I think I matured during that time. Because I came out of it reminding myself that I was forcing an intimate relationship with a woman and her husband who had known my DH significantly longer than I had. Relationships take time to develop. And they're not going to be the same as the relationship I had/have with my own parents. I came out of the phase and really tried to develop a relationship with my inlaws based on shared interests, not just shared love for another person (their son, my DH). And when I reflect on the period before I cut off all contact, I realized that they too were trying to develop a relationship based on shared interests. They just got it much earlier than I did.









So I do respect the feeling that you're "giving in on little things" all the time. Maybe it's worth it to take the time to develop a relationship with your MIL that is independent of your role as a mother/hers as a grandmother and independent of your role as her daughter in law/hers as a mother in law. Maybe when she can understand your POV, you'll find that she respects your wishes more frequently.

Good luck.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyboys*
*sigh*

If you'd like to hear how terrible inlaws can get, I can send you the email that my FIL sent me after they found out we were pregnant with their fourth grandchild. It sent me spiralling--they HATE me.


Want to trade in-law letters. I have one my SIL sent to DH when DS1 was about 6 months old. History behind it, we went to a family b-day party for one of DH's Uncles, which started at 2. Due to prior engagements we had to leave by 3. We had cleaned up all the toys, because he wasn't playing with them and there was very limited space and two small kids running around (6-9 months of age). MIL and FIL show up at 5 minutes to 3, then get pissed because we wouldn't let them feed a 6 month old raw veggies he could choke on, cake, ice cream, pumpking pie, cherry pie, chili, chips, etc. Then, they got mad, because they couldn't spend any time with their grandson because we had to leave, and we also asked them not to unpack ALL of the toys as we were leaving.

I am so totally hated by my husband's parents and sister. I think most of the rest of the family has no issues, as they respect OUR parenting choices and decisions. The funny thing is, we only spend money on things when we have it (ie we save up to purchase season passes to the local amusement park, the zoo, museum's etc.), and we tend to do a lot with our children on weekends along those lines. My DH doesn't get to spend a lot of time during the week, unless he watches them while I am at Court first thing in the mornings, so we spend a lot of quality family time on weekends.

My MIL/FIL/SIL all think that we "lead a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget". Yet, my husband is being responsible and paying all his premarital debt off, and we are not incurring any new debt along the way (ok, we did have to purchase a new van due to ours being totalled, so that is the only debt we have incurred as a married couple right now). We are constantly chastized for doing all these things, because they cost money...but yet my SIL has in the past year spent herself into a point of having to go file bankruptcy, because they have gone $40,000 in debt in credit cards. She had to purchase a new house and move without fully investigating and thinking...then found out the school system where she moved sucked and has to pay for private school for two children plus a house they did 100% financing on....Oh, and don't forget that now that we have a new car (ok, newer...2002) her and her husband had to get a newer car and wanted to get a second newer car....but hubby and I are the financially irresponsible ones...

We do get some minimal assistance from my parents, but we also get two huge gifts a year from my grandmother (Christmas and Aniversary). Last years Christmas gift was used to put the down payment on our new car, and then also to purchase the season passes for the amusement park. Our Anniversary money went to pay for my malpractice insurance and also to move us a few payments ahead on our car. We got our tax return back, and caught up the bills from budget billing on the utilities and paid the property taxes, as well as put 1/2 of it into savings, of which we have spent 12 cents.. (ok, I could easily just move the 12 cents back into savings...but just haven't bothered, because it is only 12 cents....). I anticipate we wont have to touch that money, and will be adding another large sum to the savings account from her for Christmas....of which we will only spend the money to purchase the season passes to the amusement park...and maybe a zoo membership.

I guess what I am saying, is that I can relate to the OP, as a person who is so totally hated by her MIL/FIL, and constantly has her decisions questioned by them. Heck, my children never even had birthday parties this year, because of them. I could never fit anything into their schedule, and it was never good enough for them....even when they were given 6 weeks advanced notice. It came down to the fact that after fighting with them for 3 weeks about the stupid parties (I believe that even though my two children were born 8 days apart, each deserve their own birthday celebration) and that there should be ONLY ONE and include both family and friends (not possible in my small home....when I have a friend over with her daughter and maybe the one child she sits for, we are tripping over ourselves in the house...let alone having MIL/FIL, SIL/DH/DD1/DD2/DSS, DH/Myself/DS1/DS2, F1/DH/DD, F2/DS1/DS2/DD1, F3/DH/DS - there would be no room to move and it wouldn't be appropriate season for a outdoor party).

I can see where she has probably tried to accomodate them, and has tried to give in, but only is taken advantage of by them, or is totally ignored by them. My IL's totally do not believe in our ways (nursing - my children are born to large to be able to gain nutrients from bm alone they need solid foods at birth, non-interventionalist birth - ie midwife/homebirth/birthcenters). We are totally ignored when it comes to our wishes as well, as a result, we have stopped being able to freely talk to the IL's and discuss our children's health with them, as anything negative (ie a cold or ear infection) becomes a complete tool for them to attempt to twist to their advantage and bad mouth how bad we are as parents; we only allow them supervised visits with our children on the time schedule that fits our children's and our lives...not theirs.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:

You make some valid points. However, I think this goes beyond respect and disrespect. What do you make of the food allergy thing? This MIL is totally putting her GC in danger. I find that to be totally wrong.
She likely just doesn't understand. Most people don't understand food allergies. My ds is severely allergic and my mom almost killed him by feeding him the wrong food. I made her read the ingredients to me repeatedly and she still made a mistake. She just didn't think it was a big deal until I woke up to a child gasping for air and 3 days of athsma attacks.

MIL still didn't get the seriousness of ds' allergies until a burger of his was contaminated by the sauce of a previous burger cooked on the grill. Allergies just weren't as common a generation or two ago and many people just don't understand how seemingly "healthy" food can cause so much harm.

Most people aren't really out to undermine and disrespect you, they are far too caught up in their own issues









This child is lucky to have so many people that love her even if they don't all agree with each other. She will learn more about life by how the adults in her life manage to get along (or not) with each other than by all the creepy cakes and plastic toys in the world (or absence of.....).


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

I agree that she might not understand the seriousness of the food allergy issue. She may be thinking it just means she can't eat too much of it, or it causes mild indigestion or something like that. My grandfather was deathly allergic to shellfish and people were always saying things like "surely you could just have a little spoonful of the clam chowder though, right?" He had to explain constantly that no, even a little spoonful could put him in the hospital. Most people just don't understand how it works.


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## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

Quote:

She will learn more about life by how the adults in her life manage to get along (or not) with each other than by all the creepy cakes and plastic toys in the world (or absence of.....).
mama you pretty much said it all with that!


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## ndunn (Mar 22, 2006)

You know, my in laws buy my dd alot of stuff. They buy her clothes, toys, a bunch of stuff that I wouldn't necessarily pick out myself. I think the party streamers and things would have bothered me too, not because I'm anal about party streamers but because it went against my wishes. If she really wanted to do that, she should have called you up and asked you. I'm sure you would have been more willing to work something out.

I think sometimes older individuals don't understand AP or NFL because it wasn't the trendy thing to do when they had kids. They don't understand food allergies because no one really had them or could figure out what they were back then. I'm not saying they were a bunch of dummies or anything, I just think people would tend to just get on with life alot more back then. We, as mothers living a natural lifestyle tend to do a lot of research on things. I think sometimes they don't understand.

I think its really great that you got your feelings out in writing. You'll have to let us know what she says in reply.


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## Barefoot Farmer (Feb 13, 2004)

Mamas, I appreciate you keeping the conversation going. For clarification, my DD is allergy to milk results in severe diarreha (sp?) and yes, I have hand my MIL articles, books, etc on milk-allergies and yes, I supply alternatives, and yes, I do as much education without getting frustrated that after 3years she still hasn't gotten through her head.

I do hear the PPs who state "get over yourself" or "it's not the end of the world". But I have to say I think that advice doesn't apply to me here. Potentially, I take myself too seriously or MIL doesn't take my role as the mom serious enough. Our decisions as parents are based on thoughtful discussion about the values we are trying to communicate to our child. And one 3rd b-day party is about to supercede all the work DH and I have done throughout her life . . . but it came at a time when I sacrificed a beautiful lunch with the DD so that she could be with her grandparents. . . . and I specifically asked for my wishes to be respected.....and they weren't.

I keep rereading my email (no response yet) and I feel as though I kept the conversation about respect as my role as a mother and respect of the values we are trying to instill in our child(ren).

To address the DH thing, I wrote the email b/c MIL specifically stated this was between me and her to DH and that I was the problem.....I felt I needed to stand up for myself. The letter was emailed to MIL, FIL, and DH.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Alicia, I don't think you are over-reacting. I think your MIL is a control freak and is trying to undermine you as a parent. I have my inlaw issues, but my MIL feeding my child whatever SHE deems okay, and doing whatever SHE wants, despite mine and DH's wishes, is not one of them. Thank God.

I would honestly stop with the letters and emails. They can be misconstrued and used against you and twisted to fit an agenda, if desired. I would sit down with DH and MIL. One more time, I would tell her how it is going to be. Make sure she FULLY understands you mean business. Then, if she STILL does what she wants, and disregards you and DH totally, I would cut off any unsupervised visits until she grows up and acts rights.


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## NaomiLorelie (Sep 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AliciaO*
To address the DH thing, I wrote the email b/c MIL specifically stated this was between me and her to DH and that I was the problem.....I felt I needed to stand up for myself. The letter was emailed to MIL, FIL, and DH.

That is so manipulative! I think it would be best, given her attitude, that you don't have anything to do with communicating with her about your parenting choices. She has to learn that you and DH are a team. This is definately best for your family. Trust me, I have a MIL that is convinced that anytime her son makes a change in his life or any parenting decision that is different from her own comes only from me. She treats my DH like he is a child unable to make his own decisions. Because of this, it's DH's job to lay down the rules, partially because I get sick of the backhanded compliments and passive aggresive behavior, and partly because it is time she started viewing her 35 year old son as a man and as a father.


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
However, I think this goes beyond respect and disrespect. What do you make of the food allergy thing? This MIL is totally putting her GC in danger. I find that to be totally wrong.

Absolutely. But thinking of it from the MIL's point of view, Mom has an extremely strong negative reaction to balloons, streamers, parties, plastic toys, treats, plastic cake decorations, and probably two dozen other things that sound totally innocuous to the MIL. It's easy for me to see how in that situation, combined with defensiveness and poor communication, a really critical thing like food allergies could get lumped in as "just another thing DIL doesn't want GC to have."

Isn't that why many of us have decided to have just a few critical rules for our kids, rather than a whole raft of minor restrictions? So that they'll know what's really important?


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rivka5*
Absolutely. But thinking of it from the MIL's point of view, Mom has an extremely strong negative reaction to balloons, streamers, parties, plastic toys, treats, plastic cake decorations, and probably two dozen other things that sound totally innocuous to the MIL. It's easy for me to see how in that situation, combined with defensiveness and poor communication, a really critical thing like food allergies could get lumped in as "just another thing DIL doesn't want GC to have."

Isn't that why many of us have decided to have just a few critical rules for our kids, rather than a whole raft of minor restrictions? So that they'll know what's really important?

I agree. I think the lack of common ground here is the major issue. It sounds like the relationship is already adversarial, hence all of the parents' arguments falling on deaf ears. Grandma may expect a negative reaction no matter what she does, and therefore just does whatever she wants and expects to get jumped on. Can you imagine how you would feel if someone was constantly critical of your actions to the point where you felt you couldn't put a toe out of line without someone threatening to take your grandchild away? That the DIL hates you anyway so what's the point of trying to accomodate her wishes? I'm just looking at it from the MIL's point of view for a minute.

I see no problem with continuing to visit Grandma with a parent present to represent your wants. However, I think you and your MIL need to find some common ground here. Perhaps you could let some of the minor things go to the point where you appreciate her gifts to your child, so for once she could hear you say, "MIL, that was a beautiful party. Thank you so much for thinking of DD on her birthday." Or whatever. I think a scenario like that could be pretty healing.

Or perhaps you could let MIL take her out for an hour or so and say, "MIL I'm so glad you want to take DD out for fun. You can buy her a little present but be sure to remember that milk makes her sick...." I'm just throwing out ideas here.

I guess I just don't see the point in punishing her for her mistakes. Help her understand your POV in a non critical manner (and this is going to be a baby step process) and I think you will go much farther in getting your wishes met.

Best of luck.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

A pp mentioned that the dh should have just walked out of the party - I agree. That would have been a great show of "my wife and I are a team". Of course your mil thinks its all you, your dh stayed! Think of the message that sent her. I would be more pissed at my dh than mil. (but still pissed at mil).
I'm sorry you're going thru this.







I went thru the same power struggle over my dh with my mil. And then with my kids. The only way we got over it was dh. When _he_ packed up the kids after my mil refused to put the cat in another room, she saw he meant business. And boy, did he get lucky that nite.









Hang in there.


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

I can't negate your feelings or views about the whole thing. To me, it doesn't so much look like she disrespects your parenting methods/choices. I'll bet you five bucks that, in her mind, she thinks that the way you parent is great. And that the way she *grandparents* is also great. I know that sounds a little weird, but I have seen this kind of thing and it seems to go something like this: "What a good job my son and daughter-in-law are doing with my grandbaby!" (Not "their child," but "my grandbaby.") "They care so much about her health - I never knew about dairy allergies when I had kids. They are raising her to be responsible, not greedy and materialistic like so many kids I see nowadays. I think it's a good idea to throw out that TV too - too many kids watch too many violent shows! And I'm glad my sweet grandbaby won't rot her teeth out on a diet of candy all day long. And how sensible to keep those home parties low-key, teaching her that family is most important and not getting her all worked up."

"So since they're doing all that good hard work, I'll just give her a little treat while she's here. Just a little toy, a little candy, a little fancy party like something she wouldn't see at home, so she knows Grandma thinks she's special. She'll know it's from me because it's so different than what she gets at home!"

I know that might sound like a stretch. And it's probably not 100% conscious. But try it on for size . . .


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## unimatrix0 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AliciaO*
Just a quick response here to address the issue of DH. DH is completely on board with these issues and is the first in line to respond to his mother's behaviors; however, she turns a deaf ear on him...seriously. When it is matters of us and our family, she has it in her head, that I am the ultimate decision maker and that DH is just a talking head. I feel bad for him, because he does address. In the past, it is only when I put my foot down so to speak that there has been some response by MIL. DH did speak with his mother last night and her entire response was directed at "me" not "us". In my email to her I did address this and emphasized we are a team, a mutual agreed upon team.

Uggh, I totally know how that feels. When the IL's tried to overtake our wedding, it was me who had problems, not dh. They totally don't think he has a brain of his own; probably because they controlled him so much (and now they can't stand that he's left their grip). DH had to cut them off for his sanity. He has never done anything good enough for them and the whole family looks down on him. His self-esteem has been shredded for so long. It's been really tough seeing him go through this.
I hope it doesn't come to this in your family.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:

but it came at a time when I sacrificed a beautiful lunch with the DD so that she could be with her grandparents. . . . and I specifically asked for my wishes to be respected.....and they weren't.
See, but that's the thing. You KNOW how she is, yet you sent her there for her birthday. Did you really expect her to do different this time? You gave up the special lunch to send her there knowing how she is. That is why so many say pick your battles. You won't change her. Talk and educate all you want, but she is who she is and she is doing the best she knows how (or refuses to do any different). I really don't think she is being malicious or overly disrespectful. She just is who she is and you can't make her change.

If you don't want her to have a certain kind of birthday don't send her off for her birthday where it is beyond your control. If you don't mind certain treats on other days then send her off with grandma to places that only serve foods that are acceptable. If she can't be trusted with the food issues then only let her take your dd places where food is not available and send a snack (this is what we did with our ds until they understood that he will DIE if they made a mistake, it took 5 years and they really are well meaning). If you hate plastic toys but know she will buy them anyway (my mom does this) then let her buy them but educate your kid why you don't like them and donate (or freecycle) them at the first opportunity (or just bring them out when grandma comes and call them "grandma" toys).

You are engaging her in a power struggle, and just like there are no winners in a power struggle with a 2 yo there are no winners in a MIL power struggle either. If you set up situations where there is only a positive outcome (that fits with your values) every one will win and everyone will be happy.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joannarachel*
I'll be blunt. You are blowing this way, way, way out of proportion.

You need to step back and think about what's more important...a set of grandparents in your dd's life who love her and treat her well, or biting off your dd's nose to spite her face.

Talk to your ILs about respecting your rules, but otherwise, for the sake of your dd, chill out. You're talking about a cake and some streamers. The world is not going to end.

I haven't finished reading the whole thread, but I totally agree with the above poster.

And my first thought was that I feel sad for your child who will not get to experience the thrill of having a birthday party. What is so bad about cake, ice cream (maybe without dairy to address the allergy) and streamers once a year?


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## Em T (Mar 14, 2006)

The bottom line is they are your husband's parents. He probably does not want to sever his relationship with them totally. Is that what you want for him & your daughter, truly? To stop seeing & communicating with that set of relatives forever ? Because if you can't find some way to be flexible that could happen & I don't think you'd be any happier with that result than the way things are now. And when I say flexible, I mean be creative. Meet them halfway between the houses & have a picnic in the park. You bring food, tell them to bring plates & cups. Figure out some way to keep them involved with your daughter that respects the relationship but doesn't keep you bent out of shape. Could you have your daughter write a book by dictating it to you & her coloring the pictures & you staple it together & she made it just for the grands, or send the in-laws some extra snapshots of her sometime & say "These turned out so cute I thought you'd enjoy having them to show off". IF you make those kinds of efforts it will totally undermine any attempts she might make to gripe about you & it might help turn your relationship in a new direction.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat*
The main thing that I could think of with regards to the cake, other than the NFL parenting, is that cake batter has dairy in it. Most cakes have egg (even though it is not milk products, it does contain milk protien) and most also have butter (which is made from milk/cream).

I would be highly upset regarding the fact that she is blatently ignoring the fact that your child has allergies and putting her health, safety and life at risk (depending upon how serious the allergy is).

Well, her DH was there, so I presume that he made sure the kid didn't eat any of the cake.

I vote:

4. Somehow learn to accept that her way is different than my way and that my DD won't be forever scarred by this and other furture happenings. (I'll need help on this one).

Really. OP, you didn't tell us - did your daughter enjoy the party?


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

I wanted to reply one more time just to give you some sympathy and say I'm sorry the going seems so rough! While I would vote for choice #4 (from what you've said it really doesn't seem like they're doing anything - dairy excepted - that will damage your daughter) -- I still do see that this feels really hard for you.

I think you mentioned that you feel your MIL has "disrespected" you for some time now. I wonder if that's how she sees it? Sometimes when a younger person is very very serious about how they do things -- "we've had many serious discussions about this," etc -- older people, who have already had these experiences, sometimes are just tired of all that decision-making and, in their minds, want to have a little fun and quit analyzing things so much. I'm not saying either way is right or wrong, or that either party is 100% conscious of what we're doing. But I can *totally* see a grandparent say to themselves, "Oh those kids. They've got so much on their minds, so much seriousness, and *I* know it's all going to come out in the wash someday, so I'll just buy a toy if I feel like it and put up a few streamers. Whatever!"

It's like GD techniques. We can't make people do what we want them to do - we can only make them wish they had.

It also sounds like you feel like you have to give up some of your favorite things sometimes and you don't like it -- you said something about sacrificing a beautiful birthday lunch w/your daughter for a party that you yourself would not have enjoyed . . . I'm sorry you feel you are having to give things up. MIL may feel like she is holding back a lot and giving up things *she* wants to do with your daughter, too -- maybe she wants to buy twice as much as she does, or move next door, but "sacrifices" to help keep you happy?

I know you are seeing the party as just one more example of disrespect. She probably sees it as an exception to all rules because it's a very special occasion. Maybe try putting this one behind you (especially if your daughter loved the party) and starting fresh, using humor as often as you can? I wonder if you can get her on your side sometimes -- mother-to-mother type stuff -- asking her questions about your husband as a child -- "Did your babies do this? Didn't you just love stage XYZ with your babies?" (I do this w/my MIL - specifically referring to "your babies" instead of my husband by name - it's amazing how the dynamic changes with just those words.)


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## jkpmomtoboys (Jun 1, 2004)

I would vote #4. Honestly, what I've done over the years is accept that grandparents do things differently and are entitled to do things differently. There are rules at grandma and grandpa's and rules at home, which makes the time at the grandparents so much more special and meaningful to them and allows the grandparents some autonomy in their relationship, which is important.

Certainly, if there are life-threatening issues, make them known, but apart from that, I think that some free rein should be given so you don't feel like you're battling them all the time, which won't be good at all for your daughter in the long run...


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Honestly I'd do option 1 and 4. (you have two #4's and mine would be the have all holidays at my place)

But I'd be much more likely to simply cut all contact. If she is going to continue to disrespect you and pull this crap on you, just save yourselves the headache and tell her "No more" and then just stop communicating with you.

If she REALLY respects you as a parent the next holiday that comes up (cause all grandma's send gifts no matter how much you say no... my mother still does for DD and I've cut all contact for over a year) she'll send something that YOU would actually approve of (my mom still fails at this and purposely buys things we hate... we know this through communication with MY grandmother) and then MAYBE you could start doing a supervised visitation thing.

But otherwise?

No, you aren't over reacting. In fact I would have called DH and told him that I would appreciate it if him and DD would come home NOW and not stick around to encourage MIL's behavior and disrespect.

But that's me.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Em T*
Because if you can't find some way to be flexible that could happen & I don't think you'd be any happier with that result than the way things are now. And when I say flexible, I mean be creative. Meet them halfway between the houses & have a picnic in the park. You bring food, tell them to bring plates & cups. Figure out some way to keep them involved with your daughter that respects the relationship but doesn't keep you bent out of shape.

I have tried this before, but all it ends up being is me crapped on. There are those in-laws, and I know there are a few but not the majority, that feel that they have the rights to raise their grandchild, just as if they were their own children. My in-laws are that type, and they do sound a lot like the OP's in-laws.

How many in-laws constantly tell you that 1) Your children need to be feed solids from birth, because that is what they did to their son and daughter, so your children must be done the same; 2) Your children need orthopaedic shoes and supports because at 1 year of age, their feet are pigeon toed; 3) That your children's shoes are always too small for them, even though you have gone out and hand them measured; 4) that you are only spoiling your children by doing everything under the sun for them; 5) Refuse to spoil their grandchildren, because it is not necessary; 6) Constantly question your parenting abilities or your ability to handle children, ask if you have ever babysat before...; 7) Have fought or threatened to fight other people for custody of the other person's child(ren) or for Grandparent rights if they don't get to see their grandchildren every week and have free access to them.

Trust me, my in-laws wanted 24/7 unfettered access to my children, on their own terms and times, not what is best or works best with my children's lives and/or schedules. They will even show up when I am supposed to be at Synchro practice (at the actual practice) to play with their grandchildren, which is not an appropriate time or place for grandparents to visit or play with grandchildren...

It is not always about respect, it is often times about control. A lot of grandparents want control over their grandchildren's lives. They want to raise the grandchildren, because they are not done interfering with their children's lives.

There are times where you have to stand your ground and even if that means temporarily severing ties with family. After my SIL's mean, nasty, vendictive letter, we cut all ties with her, even refusing to be at family functions, because we didn't want our children affected by her negative attitude towards their parents (or her abusive behavior/discipline towards her children). Unfortunatley, FIL tried his hardest to undermine our authority with severing ties, which ultimately lead to use just cutting him off as well. He was more concerned about the fact that his daugther was excessively distraught and hurt over not being able to see her nephew than the damage her uncalled for, untrue, slanderous, libelous, defamatory letter (it was sent to more than hubby - but we have no clue who all she sent it after writing it within the in-laws circle of family and friends), that was sent for the sole purpose to hurt us and not even appologize for her behavior that lead up to all of this.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat*
7) Have fought or threatened to fight other people for custody of the other person's child(ren) or for Grandparent rights if they don't get to see their grandchildren every week and have free access to them.

Trust me, my in-laws wanted 24/7 unfettered access to my children, on their own terms and times, not what is best or works best with my children's lives and/or schedules. They will even show up when I am supposed to be at Synchro practice (at the actual practice) to play with their grandchildren, which is not an appropriate time or place for grandparents to visit or play with grandchildren...

*It is not always about respect, it is often times about control. A lot of grandparents want control over their grandchildren's lives. They want to raise the grandchildren, because they are not done interfering with their children's lives.*

There are times where you have to stand your ground and even if that means temporarily severing ties with family. After my SIL's mean, nasty, vendictive letter, we cut all ties with her, even refusing to be at family functions, because we didn't want our children affected by her negative attitude towards their parents (or her abusive behavior/discipline towards her children). Unfortunatley, FIL tried his hardest to undermine our authority with severing ties, which ultimately lead to use just cutting him off as well. He was more concerned about the fact that his daugther was excessively distraught and hurt over not being able to see her nephew than the damage her uncalled for, untrue, slanderous, libelous, defamatory letter (it was sent to more than hubby - but we have no clue who all she sent it after writing it within the in-laws circle of family and friends), that was sent for the sole purpose to hurt us and not even appologize for her behavior that lead up to all of this.

Bolding mine. This stuck out to me. Mainly because my mother did this to me. Not the in-laws, MY OWN MOTHER.

So when I say cut contact and that it is not about needing to respect the MIL, that the MIL needs to respect the mom and it's OBVIOUSLY not happening. It's from experience. But if the OP doesn't want to cut contact, being firm, removing DD from situations where the MIL tries to gain control, and having all holidays at the OP's house is probably the only way to even remotely stand her ground and go "uh uh, my DD. my rules. my domain. back off."


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AliciaO*
And one 3rd b-day party is about to supercede all the work DH and I have done throughout her life.

Really? You really think that a few streamers and a doll cake on one afternoon will turn your dd materialistic/consumer-based/junk food addicted/etc?

I understand how you feel. I really do. When I had only one child, my MIL and I went round and round about everything from what nicknames MIL could call her (I was LIVID - it was a nickname... now it seems so silly) to what she could eat to what toys/clothes/etc. MIL could buy her. It is sad the amount of time and energy I wasted on this when dd1 was young. So not worth it.

Now I have three girls - age 10, 6 and 3. It takes quite a bit more to get me riled up now. It just isn't worth it to go to the mat over little stuff. I learned that over time, and especially after my third was born. I didn't get complacent; I just realized that it didn't do my DAUGHTER any favors to fight with people she loves and deserves to have relationships with - especially over things that really don't need to be fought about.

The only thing your MIL did that was even remotely wrong is the dairy issue. And even on that, I think she may not understand - AND I call what you describe as a sensitivity to milk. Worth avoiding for sure, but not going to send her to the hospital, or even a doctor visit.

My dd2 is sensitive to apple juice. She gets the same symptoms as your dd does with milk. Not fun, and we try to avoid, and I've taught dd not to drink apple juice. But if she did, I wouldn't freak out. It goes through her system, and we are done. I would remind my dd and the adult who was with her when it happened that she shouldn't have it.

I am allergic to crab. Eat it and my throat swells shut. Hospital required if I'd like to keep breathing. Ignoring true allergies would be a dealbreaker for me. I think your MIL just needs to be reminded that it hurts dgd's stomach to have dairy - and in what quantities. Can she eat crackers that have milk solids in them? Maybe a glass of milk or bowl of ice cream is not ok; the tiny amount in a birthday cake is ok. My dd that is very sensitive to apple juice can eat applesauce and fresh apple slices without any issues at all. Odd but true.

You asked if you were being "over the top". I think you are. I think most of us were when parenting our firstborn. I definitely choose option 4 from your original post.

What I do is this: buy the food I think is appropriate to keep in my house, and feed them that during the 90% of the time that they are with me. Buy the toys I think are appropriate to keep in my house, and they play with those during the 90% of the time they are home. Try to back it up with books and movies that display things I want to focus on. Promote relationships with people in their lives who are kind and loving.

So the 5 to 10 percent of the time (or less - think you said they live six hours away?) your child might spend with them - no matter what she is fed or plays with or reads or watches (assuming of course that it is not racist or homophobic, etc.) will NOT supercede what you and your dh do day in and day out - 24/7!

I absolutely PROMISE you that even though it seems HUGE to you right now, if you can take a breath, don't take it as disrespect but as love for their dgd, and just let it go, everyone (your dd included) will be so much happier. Because in a few years, you will not be worried about this - there will be whole new issues to contend with!


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten*
I just realized that it didn't do my DAUGHTER any favors to fight with people she loves and deserves to have relationships with..

Bottom line.

I think, OP, whether you mean to or not, you are 'teaching' your daughter some lessons here that have nothing to do with your original intentions. In your efforts to 'make' her a better person (your idea of one, anyway), you are inadvertantly teaching her to be petty, inflexible, stubborn, and self-righteous.

Think about it.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blessed*
Bottom line.

I think, OP, whether you mean to or not, you are 'teaching' your daughter some lessons here that have nothing to do with your original intentions. In your efforts to 'make' her a better person (your idea of one, anyway), you are inadvertantly teaching her to be petty, inflexible, stubborn, and self-righteous.

Think about it.

And allowing her MIL to run their lives teaches the child that it is okay for DD to treat her mother like crap. After all, "grandma" does.

I am sorry, but I don't understand all of this siding with a controlling, rude person.

Oh well. I still say to the OP to stick to your guns, honey. (well, not guns, but you get my point)


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
And allowing her MIL to run their lives teaches the child that it is okay for DD to treat her mother like crap. After all, "grandma" does.

I am sorry, but I don't understand all of this siding with a controlling, rude person.

Oh well. I still say to the OP to stick to your guns, honey. (well, not guns, but you get my point)

Who is being the controlling one here?

This woman is acting like nearly every grandparent on the planet (and I'm sure that's how grandma feels about it - as though she is doing ordinary things that all grandparents do out of love for their grandchildren). Yet somehow, in her efforts to show affection to her granddaughter she is 'treating her mother like crap'?







:

How about teaching dd about conflict resolution? About love and tolerance and the importance of commitment? Dd will form her own opinions about frosting and plastic toys as she goes through life. Teaching her that rigid convictions about random personal beliefs are more important than relationships with loved ones is a terrible lesson - and that is what she's being taught here.

Never mind, I need to bow out here. This is so lunatic to me. As I said before, I just can't understand this at all.


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

What will OP do if dd doesn't share in all of her NFL beliefs when she grows up? Is she going to cut dd out of her life because dd has a car and uses plastic garbage bags?

What about when dd is a mom? How will OP feel if dd cuts off her relationship with her granddaughter because she feeds her wheat germ and granola and makes her homeknit sweaters instead of buying her namebrand stuff?

Do you see what I mean?


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blessed*
Who is being the controlling one here?

This woman is acting like nearly every grandparent on the planet (and I'm sure that's how grandma feels about it - as though she is doing ordinary things that all grandparents do out of love for their grandchildren). Yet somehow, in her efforts to show affection to her granddaughter she is 'treating her mother like crap'?







:

How about teaching dd about conflict resolution? About love and tolerance and the importance of commitment? Dd will form her own opinions about frosting and plastic toys as she goes through life. Teaching her that rigid convictions about random personal beliefs are more important than relationships with loved ones is a terrible lesson - and that is what she's being taught here.

Never mind, I need to bow out here. This is so lunatic to me. As I said before, I just can't understand this at all.


Yes, a grandparent who constantly ignores the parent of the child and constantly is doing things that the parents do not approve of IS treating that parent or parents, like crap. She is being disrespectful and over-stepping her boundaries. She also is teaching the grandchild that the parents don't have to be listened to.

This is bigger than a cake or streamers. It is about respect.

There is not a thing wrong with a little spoiling of grandchildren. My own mother does it. But you know what? She ASKS me or DH first. She does not ignore us, and if we don't approve of something, she RESPECTS us. She doesn't argue or whine about it. My MIL is the same way. They both feel that WE are the parents and we should have the final say.

I never said that the woman should be totally cut off, never to be seen or heard from again. But, if the GP cannot respect the parents, after being asked, and told over and over and over again, then something has to be done. Perhaps supervised visits.

A grandparent does not have to constantly have their way in order to have a relationship with their GC. My MIL doesn't do what this MIL does. But she spends quality time with my children. She plays cards with my oldest. He loves it. That will mean more to him than any material thing, one day.

Maybe the OP is going a little overboard in the eyes of some people. Fair enough. But, perhaps this is after years of incident after incident building up.

I guess we have different views here. So we don't agree. No harm.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joannarachel*
I'll be blunt. You are blowing this way, way, way out of proportion.

You need to step back and think about what's more important...a set of grandparents in your dd's life who love her and treat her well, or biting off your dd's nose to spite her face.

Talk to your ILs about respecting your rules, but otherwise, for the sake of your dd, chill out. You're talking about a cake and some streamers. The world is not going to end.

I agree with this. If I were you, I would compromise (and I have a two-year-old, so I do.) Pick one thing that is most important to you, and stick with that. For us it is junk food/sweets. G is to have NO food from grammy and Grandpa's house unless it is parentally approved. So I always send him over with tons of food. On other issues, I am lenient. He watches TV all day and stays up way too late with too much overstimulation when he's there, which bothers me, but I let it go. Life is short. This is the SMALL stuff. The big stuff is that he has a set of grandparents that love him very much, and he loves them, and that is what is going to help him to grow into a happy, healthy adult.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caitlin320*
I agree with this. I think you are being too inflexible. If I were you, I would compromise (and I have a two-year-old, so I do.) Pick one thing that is most important to you, and stick with that. For us it is junk food/sweets. Gabe is to have NO food from grammy and Grandpa's house unless it is parentally approved. So I always send him over with tons of food. On other issues, I am lenient. He watches TV all day and stays up way too late with too much overstimulation when he's there, which bothers me, but I let it go. Life is short. This is the SMALL stuff. The big stuff is that he has a set of grandparents that love him very much, and he loves them, and that is what is going to help him to grow into a happy, healthy adult.

By the way, not to say this is your situation, but just as a cautionary example: my mom was super-controlling and cut off relationships with almost all of my extended family growing up because they didn't support her parenting style (which was pretty crunchy.) You know who I wound up feeling bad for and siding with when I became a teen? Don't set yourself up to be the bad-guy.


I think you have some great ideas. I think your post is respectful of the OP and you are honestly trying to help. However...

What if the OP picks 1 or 2 things and the MIL still doesn't respect it? When does the MIL compromise, instead of being allowed to do whatever she wants, JUST because she happens to be a grandmother?

I am asking this seriously, not to be snarky.

You can love your GC without disrespecting the parents. Like I said in my previous post, my own mother sometimes spoils my children. But, since she has been respectful of us and just doesn't do what she wants and pooty on us, we are a little more flexible. Same with my MIL. Perhaps if the MIL in the OP would show just a little respect for her DIL and her son, the DIL may feel a little better about being more flexible.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
What if the OP picks 1 or 2 things and the MIL still doesn't respect it? When does the MIL compromise, instead of being catered to and being allowed to do whatever she wants, JUST because she happens to be a grandmother?

I am asking this seriously, not to be snarky.

No snarkiness inferred.









I think, in that case, if the MIL was still not trying to meet in the middle at all, someone mentioned being creative in the relationship? And I think that would be the thing to do. Meet on middle ground (a park), or at home, not at Grandma's house. This is not cutting off the relationship, of course. In fact, go out of your way to help provide the grandparents *appropriate* access to GC would show them that you are not trying to block their relationship with their grandchildren. In that situation I think the best way to approach it would be in the way a divorced parent approaches co-parenting with an ex-- you may not agree on everything, and you may have the final say, but you agree it is important to the child to have that relationship in their life. We make these sacrafices for the sake of our children. That would be my suggestion in that situation.

I just don't agree with cutting off a relationship except in more extreme situations, like where there is abusiveness and real hurtfulness.


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caitlin320*
I just don't agree with cutting off a relationship except in more extreme situations, like where there is abusiveness and real hurtfulness.

Yes, this is the gist of my point as well.

No one is saying that GM isn't wrong, isn't showing some lack of consideration, so forth. But virtually EVERY relationship that we have throughout our lifetimes is going to be marred at one point or another with some contention and disagreement. EVERY person we love is sometimes wrong. Learning to accept and cope with this reality is imperative to our ability to maintain long term friendships and family ties.

This thread is replete with suggestions about how to deal with this situation (which, by the way, is just a garden variety disagreement between family members.) Some are great, some are so-so, and some just outright stink. Turning your back on family members over disagreements this minor is crappy - and dangerous - advice.

Teach your dd some REALLY valuable lessons. Teach her about kindess and self sacrifice. Teach her that sometimes people don't behave in the ways that we wish them to, but that we forgive them. Teach her how to gently persuade others to come around to your point of view. Teach her that - even when that isn't possible - people are still important and valuable and worthy of kindness. Teach her the rare and beautiful art of helping people to do the right thing, even when they are resistent.

Then you'll be doing right by your daughter.


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## TexasSuz (Mar 4, 2002)

Option #6 - Lighten up and stop being so controlling. They wanted to make their grandchild happy and experience a party with her. They love her and want to see her happy. How are a few streamer and a cake going to hurt your child? Was she happy about it? Then that is all that matters.

Sorry to be so harsh but as someone who has almost lost my children's grandparents in the last few years I know that our parents time on earth is limited and that they have a different perspective on life (and children) because of that. You said your FIL was ill - did you ever imagine that he might want to give her a party as a memory for her and for himself. I see nothing wrong with that - in fact it is very sweet.

Also, my niece is "allergic" to dairy also and at age 8 she sneaks and eats it whenever she can. She hates that her mom won't allow her to have fun stuff like ice cream and it never bothers her. Your child is younger but she may feel the same way. I don't know.


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## pjlioness (Nov 29, 2001)

My main concern here is that your MIL is giving your child dairy, when you have told her repeatedly that your child is allergic to dairy. That could have some serious consequences. Have you given your MIL information about dairy allergy/food allergies in general? Have you told her what your child's reaction to dairy is (nausea, eczema, etc.)? Could you have your pediatrician or child allergist write a note to your MIL explaining the (possible) consequences of her behavior?

My younger son is allergic to dairy, and we bake our own cakes for birthday celebrations, as we did when ds1 was allergic to wheat. I like providing the cakes, because then I don't have to put up with store-bought cakes or ones made from boxes; they do icky things to my digestion. I've thought about providing acceptable frozen treats as well - IL's always seem to have those artificially colored and flavored popsicles (ew, even though they now contain *some* fruit juice, unlike when we were kids) - but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Fortunately my IL's don't insist on giving him stuff he's allergic to, I'll give them that. I suggest you provide your own cakes/make sure you have some acceptable yummy treats in the freezer when MIL visits.

You might also check out non-violent/compassionate communication - www.cnvc.org. It's possible that your MIL is doing this stuff because her needs aren't being met. You could help her find a way to get both/all of your needs met.

As for the junky toys, they get left at the IL's, taken to my folks' house (they really don't have much stuff for the kids), or played with for a while then put away to be given away.

I've posted before about my IL's disregarding our wishes for our kids. Sometimes it's been egregious, other times they've done very well, but they don't seem to learn from the times they do well.







:

In any case,














.


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## NaomiLorelie (Sep 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
This is bigger than a cake or streamers. It is about respect.

Is it though? I don't know exactly what was going through MIL's head. Maybe no parties meant don't invite a ton of family members/children to her. Is it possible that she really didn't think of streamers and cake as a party? I don't really think of that as a "real" party.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaomiLorelie*
Is it though? I don't know exactly what was going through MIL's head. Maybe no parties meant don't invite a ton of family members/children to her. Is it possible that she really didn't think of streamers and cake as a party? I don't really think of that as a "real" party.


Well, if you asked someone, over and over and over again, NOT to do something, and they kept doing it, wouldn't you find that disrespectful?


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## NaomiLorelie (Sep 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
Well, if you asked someone, over and over and over again, NOT to do something, and they kept doing it, wouldn't you find that disrespectful?

I wasn't saying that it wasn't disrespectful if the OP outlined exactly what she considered a party to be. I was just wondering if there was any chance that this was more of a misunderstanding. It is obvious that MIL has no clue how to deal with the situation in any rational manner, and that is not okay. Communication just doesn't seem to be working well on both sides so I wonder if MIL knew exactly what was acceptable and what was unacceptable. She can't be expected to know without being told because she doesn't understand NFL. As for the allergies, if she has no experience with them, it might not cross her mind that a cake has dairy in it. Once again, not excusing her bad behavior. That's a whole other issue. I just think that the OP might expect too much from MIL's knowledge base. And that might mean that her DD can't ever be alone with her.


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## naturegirl7 (Jan 27, 2005)

I totally understand where the OP is coming from - and support her 100% - The issue is not so much the party itself but the blatant disregard and disrespect onthe part of her MIL. The blatant disrespect of her parenting style and requests is just not right. Grandparents can still spoil and love their grandkids without treating parents like dirt.
I would also be pissed if I explicitly said "NO whatever" only to find it done anyway. I think that you need to really have a good heart to heart with your MIL - perhaps in a long well thought out email follwed by a good face to face discussion (without anyone else around) is the way to go. Explain to her that what she does is very disrepectful to you and her son, that it is insulting and hurts your feelings, etc. Focus more on that, and then followup with the conflict regardign parenting style - make more about her disrespecting you and less about parenting style. She can agrue with you about how she makes you feel - or that what she did was not disrespectful.

That said, I want to send you huge hugs - I know exactly what you are going thru but my MIL is only a 1/2 hour. SHe started ragging on our parenting style from the moment we got pregnant and has not let up. ANd heart to heart with her just didn't work. SHe is too much of a control freak. ANd honestly, she does half of it, not to spoil DS but to get under our skin.

Honestly, I severely limit the amount of time DS spends with her in general - and refuse to allow her to be alone with him at any point in time.
She doesn't have to agree or like my parenting style - but she does need to respect what I say about my child and what my child is allowed or not allowed to do or have. She had her chance to raise her children - this is MY child, not hers and what Dh and I say goes - period. ANd DH and I tell her this.

She rags on BFing, cosleeping, CDing, babywearing, DS's name, what DS eats, you name it and she will find something wrong with it. She has it in her head that DS is deprived by us in regard to food - cuz we offer him veggies (which he loves), fruit, yogurt, etc before pasta, potatoes, etc. She will actually make faces and tell him "Ewwww. Yogurt is yucky. Tell mommy you don't want that crappy yogurt, you want some yummy chocolate pudding" as she opens a snack pack pudding.







: I tried the nice approach, but now I am starting to get snarky right back with her (this seems to be the only language my MIL can understand) - Like "maybe if it was real pudding and not corn syrup and other unprouncable chemicals" or "sorry but we only give him foods he enjoys and just look at him right now (a yogurt smeared grin on his face diving for the container) he LOVES this!" or directly to DS "tell your grandma that pudding is YUCKY and that yogurt is not only yummy it will help you keep growing big and strong." or "yeah he is so deprived that he is off the growth charts. he must really need some pudding in his diet to fix that" LOL

Anyway, sorry to hijack a bit there. I vote for a serious heart to heart - in a non confrontational email that she can digest first, followed by a serious sit down to discuss it all. And really try to focus on the feelings aspect and disrespect - especially since she obviously has issues with your parenting choices. SHe WILL try to change the subject to discuss and criticize those choices, so be prepared to say - that isn't what this is about right now, or you are entitled to your opinion but you still need to respect our choices as WE are DD's parents. and then guide it back to the matter of disrespect. Try to establish boundaries. ANd try to "give" her something. THere are some things that she can do for DD that you may not allow on a regular basis but that won't be harmful to DD as a special grandma treat. ANd it will make your MIL feel like she is still able to "spoil" your DD - help her come up with ways to "spoil" her without disrespecting your parenting choices - the inappropriate clothes and icecream gotta go though!

GL!


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blessed*
Who is being the controlling one here?

This woman is acting like nearly every grandparent on the planet (and I'm sure that's how grandma feels about it - as though she is doing ordinary things that all grandparents do out of love for their grandchildren). Yet somehow, in her efforts to show affection to her granddaughter she is 'treating her mother like crap'?







:


If I had already planned my child's birthday party and had it all set up, be it for family or friends, and then my Mother or MIL decided it wasn't good enough and she was going to throw her own party, I would be pissed to. IT IS NOT THE GRANDPARENTS rights/responsibility to be doing this, it is a parent's right. If a parent choose to not have a birthday party, that is their right as well, or if the parent chooses to have a low key celebration, again, their choice, not the grandparents. Mother/Father was not even consulted in the planning of this event....


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## RainCoastMama (Oct 13, 2004)

.


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## WNB (Apr 29, 2006)

If DH is so "on board" with everything, why didn't he take care of the problem of the party right then and there?

This is your originasl post:

Quote:

The plan was for MIL and family to come to our home for a SMALL FAMILY LUNCH, CAKE, AND A FEW GIFTS, EXPLICITY STATED NO PARTY, NO CRAZY STUFF, ETC. FIL (who we love and who is generally on board with me and DH) has been ill lately and couldn't make the trip for the lunch. I offered that DH and DD drive the 5 hrs to see her grandparents. I would have to stay home as I work weekend-nights. When I made this offer, I EXPLICITY STATED NO PARTY, NO CRAZY STUFF, ETC. When DH arrived, the house was covered in streamers, balloons, paper plates, the works -- the cake was a dress with a plastic doll head on top I don't know if my anger is overtopping my moritification that my daughter has been exposed to this. I just can't do this anymore. I can't accept her blatant ignoring of my wishes.
You were planning to have family only attend a meal at home with cake and a few gifts.
Your MIL and FIL provided a meal at their home for family only with cake and a few gifts, and, in what is apparently the deal-breaker -- they decorated the place as well.

Could it be that your husband didn't deal with the problem right there b/c he did not perceive it as such, given that, from your own description, it doesn't sound very different from what you'd planned at home?


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## NaomiLorelie (Sep 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WNB*
If DH is so "on board" with everything, why didn't he take care of the problem of the party right then and there?

This is your originasl post:

You were planning to have family only attend a meal at home with cake and a few gifts.
Your MIL and FIL provided a meal at their home for family only with cake and a few gifts, and, in what is apparently the deal-breaker -- they decorated the place as well.

Could it be that your husband didn't deal with the problem right there b/c he did not perceive it as such, given that, from your own description, it doesn't sound very different from what you'd planned at home?

Thank you WNB! That was what I was trying to say but couldn't get it out.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

I think you need to pick your battles. Think about why your mil wanted to throw a big party. Maybe she thought you didn't want her to go to the trouble.
Does she understand why you make the choices you do? If not it may be hard for her to follow them because she might not understand the importance of your beliefs and why you have chosen them.

I'd not react emotionally. Sit and think about it a while. Pray or meditate on it.

Then contact her and speak rationally to her.


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## Em T (Mar 14, 2006)

In a way, it's similar to problems experienced by divorced couples. If you disagree violently with the other & make a big deal out of it, part of the message a child gets is "I'm ____ son/daughter. If Mom despises Dad, that means I'm not all right either". Same thing with your husband & MIL. How do you think he'd feel if she was run over by a bus or had a heart attack right after you'd made a point to separate your family from seeing her completely? It comes across as you're very worried about your status. You are your child's mother. You get to make the rules. No one here disagrees with that. But for the love of your husband & child, why on earth can't you give up some of this fury & try to work out a better situation in the future? Exhibiting loving kindness, forgiveness & willingness to work out a disagreement is wonderful role modeling to do for your daughter. Spiteful anger, contemplation of breaking family bonds with a efusal to try to keep them intact, not so much.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

I am going to be little harsh here-

As someone who lost their dad when my son was only 2.5 I would say LET IT GO. yes she disrespects you on some issues but nothing I have read seem to be child-in-danger-issues. She sees then about every 6 week, right? You are with her everyday. Kids learn values at home and if grandma takes her for ice cream and buys her a worthless plastic toy-why cares? Years from now she won't remember the toy but she will remember a Grammy who spent time with her, who took her out for treats. She will remember gradparents who made a big deal out of birthdays. Do you want these memories colored by the obvious anger you feel?

Also these outings, times at grandmas, are _so_ precious. They build relationship with another trusting adult. I wish my dad was here to spend time with my son even though he and I did not see eye to eye on a lot of things. I see the relationship my mom has with my eldest niece who is now 24 and it is so awesome even though my mom thinks "breastfeeding is what keeps women chained to the house" and LLL is filled with "those psycho hippy crunch moms who BF teenagers", the same person who bought her soda and her first pair of high heels. My mom is who my niece turned to when she had a miscarriage and who she turned to when her marriage fell apart after a year and she was afraid to tell her parents. I would hate to think what would have happened if my sister chose to seperate the families over those minor issues.

I say let it go....


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Picture a conversation some years from now when your DD has read a book or seen a movie that features a beloved grandmother, and asks why she never sees hers. How do you think she would feel to be told you cut off contact because her GM decorated the house and had a cake for her 3rd birthday...

I know it's not as simple as that, but really...would you cut contact with your own mother over the same thing?


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli*
Picture a conversation some years from now when your DD has read a book or seen a movie that features a beloved grandmother, and asks why she never sees hers. How do you think she would feel to be told you cut off contact because her GM decorated the house and had a cake for her 3rd birthday...

I know it's not as simple as that, but really...would you cut contact with your own mother over the same thing?

I do wonder what the OP's relationship with her mother is.

I think that this is too early to cut off contact wtih the MIL, simply for the sake of DD.

When MIL takes DD to get ice cream, is it possible that MIL gets her sherbet or some other dairy free treat while there? If not, perhaps just a little bit more education for MIL would be good, like addresses of ice cream shops in the area that have a non-dairy choice.


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## punkinsmommy (Apr 28, 2006)

Let me try and give you some perspective.

My MIL is not a good person. She had accused me of cheating on DH and tricking him into getting me pregnant (totally NOT true in case you were wondering). She took DS1 to a cemetary and told him all about death at the age of 4 (she scared him by telling him our cat was old and was going to die soon). That same year she told DS1 "Boys that kiss other boys are funny boys. We don't like funny boys" and "you shouldn't kiss the brown girls at school". Her idea of showing my children love is by spoling them with toys that I don't think are appropriate, and letting them eat and drink things I would never allow under my watch. The list goes on and on.

I have NOT cut her off from my children. Am I vigilant about her never being alone with my children? Yes. Extremely. She is never alone with them, and never will be. She holds her tongue in front of me because she knows I won't tolerate her bigotry and insanity, and believe me I have called her out on it (in an appropriate way) in front of my children. I tolerate her buying an obscene amount of useless toys for my kids. I tolerate her allowing DS1 or DD a cup of soda when we go to visit. I tolerate alot of things. I won't cut her out of my children's lives. Not because I care if she sees her grandchildren, but because my children deserve a grandmother even if she is a crazy old bat.

So, while I can see you putting your foot down and letting MIL know where you stand and what you find acceptable, I can not see cutting her out of your childs life. You, as your childs mom, have to find a way to make it work. If that means that you are there when DD goes for a visit and YOU have to be the "bad guy" and say "No ice cream" then that is what it means. If that means you tolerate things like streamers, so be it. Be wise and pick your battles.


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WNB*
You were planning to have family only attend a meal at home with cake and a few gifts.
Your MIL and FIL provided a meal at their home for family only with cake and a few gifts, and, in what is apparently the deal-breaker -- they decorated the place as well.

Could it be that your husband didn't deal with the problem right there b/c he did not perceive it as such, given that, from your own description, it doesn't sound very different from what you'd planned at home?

I was wondering about this too, even from the MIL's perspective. She may have thought that it wasn't *really* a party if guests weren't invited.


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## CerridwenLorelei (Aug 28, 2002)

" and if grandma takes her for ice cream and buys her a worthless plastic toy-why cares?"

The person who is then up with the child who is sick from being allergic to dairy?????







:


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## bczmama (Jan 30, 2006)

I agree with many others that you are over-reacting here.

Anyway -- no matter what you do, I would recommend AGAINST sending an email. This is the sort of thing emails are bad for -- because tone is very difficult to read, and because the email can easily be forwarded to other family members or friends as evidence of how "unreasonable" or "uptight" you are.


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## Serrendipity (Apr 12, 2006)

Somewhere around page 3, I think? she said she already sent an email off to MIL, FIL, and DH. I'd have more to say but I'm NAK, lol. Mostly, I'd just like to see what, if anything MIL has to say back!







:

Serendipity


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

I agree with many of the PPs but one thing that particularly strikes me is...

if a man posted that he was considering permanently cutting off relations between his household and his wife's parents because they had a birthday party that didn't meet HIS rules for HIS house while HIS wife was over there with HIS kid......

we would all say that was abusive and controlling, no?

what if his reasoning was that conventional birthday parties were against his strongly held fundamentalist Christian religious beliefs? can I have a show of hands for those who would think that would make his case any better? Nope didn't think so.

And then somewhere around page 3 adds as an afterthought, "oh yeah my wife totally agrees with me, but she is letting me handle it," would we believe him?

If we resolve to clear our minds of the reverse double standard (which so often unfortunately prevails here), this is an unambiguously abusive situation. OP should seek serious counseling for insight into how she treats others.


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## CerridwenLorelei (Aug 28, 2002)

because its an ongoing thing. The ILS have no respect for her and her dh period.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

It truly appears, though, that the DH is an afterthought. The point I was trying to make is that she seems to assume that it is her right to cut him and his child off from his family, and he will fall into line. If a wife came here saying that her husband was going to cut her parents off from them because they did things he disagreed with, we'd be falling over ourselves telling her to get a divorce - even if she said she partly agreed, in which case we'd probably think she'd been brainwashed by her abuser, since *being isolated from one's family of origin is a classic hallmark of spousal abuse.* (And obviously the DH does NOT entirely agree, no matter what she says, because if he did the incident would not have taken place - he was there, and would have stopped it if he felt anywhere near the OP's rage against streamers and doll cakes.)


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## Barefoot Farmer (Feb 13, 2004)

Just an update. I haven't been getting notification that this thread was still alive and well so sorry for being absent for so long. I just want to address the DH thing once again and hopefully put it to rest. DH didn't just walk into the party and walk out because he had my DD sitting in his arms, excited to see her grandparents, and bewildered about all the decorations. No, he did exactly what I would have done had I walked into the same scenario -- participated in the "party" and then quietly sit MIL down and address that she was blatantly ignoring our wishes. (Something we have done over the last 3 years about a billion times). The reason I sent the email was that in her discussion with DH, MIL explicitly stated that this was between me and her and that I was "crazy". I have been in this family for over 13 years -- this isn't a new wife just getting familiar with the family. I'm a member of the family and try not to distinguish these lines between DH and me and instead view us as a team.

My email message was very well received by MIL and FIL who apologized for disrespecting our values and acknowledging them to be different from their own values. Their letter acknowledged a need to communicate about our differences and find places where we could compromise (a suggestion I offered in my letter and often advised in this thread). I have since replied to them, expressing gratitude for their recepitivity and to begin a detailed discussion about where we can compromise and how future communications can go.

I would like to address pps suggestions that I'm not valuing family enough-- I too grew up with extended family members in house and next door. And would love for my children to know their grandparents intimately. However, I did not feel as though I could sit back any longer and allow MIL to passive-aggressively ignore explicit requests made by myself and DH. The title of this thread certainly suggests a permanent separation of our families and what I meant was a separation from our current flow of visits and interactions. I knew I would not be able to continue to visit/interact with my MIL every month while being disrespected.

Thank you all for your responses and advice.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your thinking. My husband and I had to cut his sister (my SIL) out of our families lives for like 2 1/2 years. The reason was she did not respect our choices as parents, and felt that she and her parents (MIL/FIL) were better parents and better at making decisions for our children.

It wasn't an easy decision to make, and in all honest the only reason that it lasted so long was because SIL wouldn't get over herself. After she got misinformation about what happened at an extended family member's birthday party between MIL/FIL and myself, she had the audacity to send a mean, nasty, hateful, spiteful, hurtful and harmful letter to my husband. I happened to see it, and forwarded it to myself, so I could read it.

After reading her letter, and discussing the numerous phone calls she had been making going off on DH about stuff, WE decided that it was best to severe ties for a period of time. I told DH that the only way I would allow her around my children again, would be if she were to appologize for what she said in the letter. This letter had been e-mailed to extended family members and close friends of the family, as well. I wouldn't budge about her not being around my child, because of the way she attacked, I didn't think it was healthy for our child to be exposed to that much hate and dislike for his mother.

SIL was very stubborn and refused to appologize for over two years. When she did finally appologize, it was because her parents (MIL/FIL) finally forced her to do it. It wasn't a heartfelt or even ment appology. It was an e-mail that litterally just said "I am sorry".

I could have been mean, and not accepted, since I knew she truely did not mean the appology, but I was the better person, accepted and moved on. When at family functions now, I still try to steer my children clear of SIL, but I don't refuse to go or try to go when SIL is not there. If she is there, I deal with it, and play nice.

But I think my point got across. That when it comes to OUR children, my husband and I are their parents, and you WILL Respect our decisions. I do limit the amount of time my children spend with my MIL/FIL, for the simple fact, that they still do not respect our decisions on how to raise our children. Right now, my FIL cannot get it through his head my child is going to "preschool". He keeps correcting him and saying, no you are in pre-preschool, because your mommy takes care of you. I am like Umm...no, he is in and registered to attend "preschool". This is not something my SIL did with any of her children or anything that they did with their children...so he just doesn't think it is appropriate for him to be in a "program preschool".

My IL's also tend to be very disruptive, and follow their own schedule, and demand that everything fit into their schedule, regardless of how it affects our children or our lives. Since DS1 was born, we have rarely made it to big family events, because they always hold them during nap times (which were 1-4, and now seem to have gone to 2-5 or 3-6), with the IL's events starting at 2. Our children are those that if they don't get their naps, get very uncontrollable.


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