# My SIL is spanking her baby.



## my3peanuts (Nov 25, 2006)

My nephew will be a year old in June and for the last few MONTHS his parents have been swatting him for things. Mostly when he kicks around and protests during a diaper change but also for things like touching things he has been told not to touch and for "yelling" about things when he wants his way. I've tried explaining to my SIL that he doesn't understand and he's too young to understand but she doesn't believe it.







:

What is the worst part about all of this is that her and her dh are responsible for our children if we were to die.







We chose them before they had kids and I did NOT see this coming from them as parents. I'm so worried now that if for some unlikely reason we were to die that our children would be raised this way. It makes me sad because we really love them and they aren't bad people but that is not the way I want my kids raised.

I've brought it up to dh and he just keeps saying, "quit worrying about it, it's more than likely never going to happen anyway" but I do worry. I feel like I can't just say that I've changed my mind and I don't want them to take our kids if we were to die because that isn't totally true, I just want her to know that is not ok and if she were to ever have my kids she'd have to promise me she'd raise them the way I want them to be raised.

Would it be stupid of me to write a letter addressed to them expressing my concerns and stating my philosophy about raising my kids and let her know where it's at and that if the time ever came she could read it? I don't mean a long, cumbersome list of rules, or anything like that but I think it would be helpful for me to know that her and her dh would have something written down that we've requested of them. Hope that makes sense!


----------



## DoulaClara (Jan 3, 2006)

Nicole, I think there's little else to do but alter your will. You can protect your children right now, or leave it to chance that if something ever were to happen, that she would willingly and on her own change her behavior. I doubt that would happen. Right now is when you have the power. There has to be someone in your life much more in line with your philosophy.

Clara


----------



## my3peanuts (Nov 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DoulaClara* 
Nicole, I think there's little else to do but alter your will. You can protect your children right now, or leave it to chance that if something ever were to happen, that she would willingly and on her own change her behavior. I doubt that would happen. Right now is when you have the power. There has to be someone in your life much more in line with your philosophy.

Clara

It isn't in our will. We don't have one.







: It's just been discussed between everyone. And sadly, there is NO ONE even closely in line with our philosophy.


----------



## BookishVonLiberal (Feb 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *my3peanuts* 
It isn't in our will. We don't have one.







: It's just been discussed between everyone. And sadly, there is NO ONE even closely in line with our philosophy.









If you don't have a will, the courts get to decide who gets your children.


----------



## DoulaClara (Jan 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *my3peanuts* 
And sadly, there is NO ONE even closely in line with our philosophy.

















I'm sorry. I hope you can find someone still. There is nothing wrong with letting them know that you're keeping your options open. There are a lot of websites, by the way, that can help you find a cheap and legally binding will if you're interested in something along those lines.

And Vypros, I would recommend reading this forum's Guidelines and alter your post before it is done for you. "Swatting on the behind" is disrespectful to all people, even children. Your post sounds alarmingly endorsing of the practice...

The issue here is not necessarily what she will be doing about her SIL's behavior towards her SIL's children, it's the fact that she no longer wishes her SIL to be her own children's guardians.
Clara


----------



## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
So long as the "swatting" remains on the bottom only, then I hardly classify this is abuse or a poor parenting technique. I know this forum doesn't agree with spanking a child, so I won't go into it, but really you shouldn't be able to bash something that you can't defend here either.


Hitting a *baby*, whether it is a swat or a tap or whatever word you want to use to justify it, is abuse.

If you don't have a will then you can write one and you should do that for many, many reasons. I wouldn't bother with a letter, I would just take the actions necessary to protect my child. If I did witness somebody hitting a baby then I don't think I would be able to keep my mouth shut but I don't think writing a letter will do any good.


----------



## aprildawn (Apr 1, 2004)

Vypros - I agree with others who suggest you read the guidelines for this forum before posting an endorsement of spanking or telling the OP it's no big deal.

my3peanuts - I am in a similar boat as you in not having someone my girls can go to if DH and I die. Does your SIL understand how you feel about spanking and why? But do the two of you discuss parenting and the various philosophies people have? Not lectures or arguments, but heart-to-heart discussions. Even though she may not agree with you, she may respect you and your beliefs enough that if she did end up raising your kids she'd follow through in your honor. Does that make sense? People often do things for a deceased person they wouldn't do otherwise.


----------



## Vypros (Apr 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveBeads* 
Hitting a *baby*, whether it is a swat or a tap or whatever word you want to use to justify it, is abuse.

If you don't have a will then you can write one and you should do that for many, many reasons. I wouldn't bother with a letter, I would just take the actions necessary to protect my child. If I did witness somebody hitting a baby then I don't think I would be able to keep my mouth shut but I don't think writing a letter will do any good.

Oops, didn't read the actual age of the child.

The best thing I can do is leave this particular section before I get banned for my viewpoints.







:


----------



## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
So long as the "swatting" remains on the bottom only, then I hardly classify this is abuse or a poor parenting technique. I know this forum doesn't agree with spanking a child, so I won't go into it, but really you shouldn't be able to bash something that you can't defend here either.

There are more important things to worry about than whether or not your sister in law spanks their child. Seriously. A letter stating your philosophy isn't going to do anything but incite anger or make them roll their eyes. I don't mean that to be ignorant, but you're not going to be able to change it.

I don't think you get it. And yes, I think that you are being ignorant.

OP, you need a will, and you clearly need to state in your will WHY they cannot have custody of their children. "BIL and SIL started hitting their baby at 10 months of age. We respectfully request that our children be put into custody of caretakers who do not hit their children."


----------



## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
Oops, didn't read the actual age of the child.

The best thing I can do is leave this particular section before I get banned for my viewpoints.







:

I hope your viewpoints don't include hitting children. Why don't you stick around and do some reading instead of clinging to such an abusive practice?


----------



## Vypros (Apr 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ThreeBeans* 
I hope your viewpoints don't include hitting children. Why don't you stick around and do some reading instead of clinging to such an abusive practice?

Look, if I can't defend my viewpoints, then you shouldn't be able to bash them.


----------



## MommaLyon (Apr 11, 2007)

Amend your will NOW! Who oever is closest to your parenting style...talk with them about what your vision is for your children. then alter your will.


----------



## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
Look, if I can't defend my viewpoints, then you shouldn't be able to bash them.

On MDC you can talk about how abusive spanking is all you want. But you can't defend it or justify it.


----------



## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
Look, if I can't defend my viewpoints, then you shouldn't be able to bash them.

If your viewpoint is that hitting children is acceptable, you bet your bottom dollar I will be bashing it. There is some good literature on this website about how wrong it is to hit children. Rather than clinging to such an appalling and outrageous abusive practice, why not read and learn how much harm you are doing your children?


----------



## Vypros (Apr 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveBeads* 
On MDC you can talk about how abusive spanking is all you want. But you can't defend it or justify it.

Out of curiosity, I must ask:

WHY?

How can you learn more about your point of view without seeing the other side of the coin?

It's along the same vein of a christian being told not to study other religions for fear that they might convert to said religions. If the viewpoint is powerful enough, it will stick, even in the face of adversity. Right?

Also, spanking isn't an illegal thing, so it's not like you're condoning something illegal. If I recall correctly, it's "legal" to spank a child on their bottom (and only their bottom).

I'm just wondering WHY it has to be a one sided debate.


----------



## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 

I'm just wondering WHY it has to be a one sided debate.

It's not a debate. It cannot be condoned here. If you want to debate somebody about it then log onto any mainstream parenting website and have at it.

From the forum guidelines:

Quote:

Please appreciate that this forum is not a place to uphold or advocate physical punishment of children. Personal preferences for and encouragement of use of physical punishment are inappropriately posted here. Posts of that nature will be edited by the member upon request or will be removed.


----------



## Vypros (Apr 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveBeads* 
It's not a debate. It cannot be condoned here. If you want to debate somebody about it then log onto any mainstream parenting website and have at it.

From the forum guidelines:

I knew the rules on it, I was just asking WHY it couldn't be debated here.


----------



## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
So long as the "swatting" remains on the bottom only, then I hardly classify this is abuse or a poor parenting technique.

It's a VERY poor parenting technique.


----------



## forthebest (Jun 19, 2006)

Because nobody here is gonna advocate striking a child so what exactly would there be to discuss? How many different ways to hit a child and where and why? or how to develop parenting techniques that don't rely on/involve hitting children?


----------



## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
I knew the rules on it, I was just asking WHY it couldn't be debated here.

It can't be debated here because the Motheringdotcom forums spring from Mothering Magazine. Both exist to advocate for and support Attachment Parenting (AP) which is a parenting philosophy that involves promoting attachment between parents and children through the use of many techniques and ideas. One of those is using respectful means of parenting, which do NOT include hitting. Period. This is true all over MDC, not just in the gentle discipline forum.

You won't find posts here defending spousal hitting, nor will you find posts here defending child hitting. We see it as the same thing.

That being said, there are MANY alternatives to using physical discipline and you can learn about them very easily on this forum as well as on MDC in general, even if you just read through the stickies and older posts. There are so many great ideas and ways of teaching children, why would anyone resort to violence? Most people do it because they don't have another discipline tool that works. But if you take the time to learn, you'll find that there are many.


----------



## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
I knew the rules on it, I was just asking WHY it couldn't be debated here.

If you want to ask that question than you can go to the Questions and Answers forum and ask it.


----------



## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
I knew the rules on it, I was just asking WHY it couldn't be debated here.

Because to us, there is no debate. It's abuse, no matter what way you look at it. This is not the site to condone hitting or spanking in any way.

OP, sorry to hear about your situation.







What they are doing is not OK, and I can totally understand your concerns. We haven't chosen anyone yet to be guardians of DS if we die, because no one in our family would parent in the correct way.







I hope you can figure out what to do about this.


----------



## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
I knew the rules on it, I was just asking WHY it couldn't be debated here.

Off the top of my head, because it is the belief here that hitting a child (whatever euphemism you want to use, it is hitting) to 'teach' them something is just as wrong as hitting another adult to 'teach' them something. I can't imagine a valid argument to defend either of the above. Believing that children have the same right to not be hit as adults is a core belief and not one that is up for debate. Hitting an adult to teach them a lesson lands you with an assault charge; why should it be any different for a child? I can't imagine a compelling reason that could not be easily refuted.

The only time I could _personally_ justify hitting another person (baby, child, teen, or adult) is to defend myself or my family from imminent serious physical harm...and then, only long enough to get away from them. And I can't imagine a scenario where a child (aside from possibly a special needs/medical condition) would be a serious physical threat to an adult such that they would need to defend themelves from the child. AND, even if a child was a threat to my physical safety due to special needs, I sure as heck wouldn't hit them...restrain them, yes - find other ways to adress it, yes - but hit them? What good could possibly come from that that couldn't come from other methods? I guess that's the core thing for me - what good is going to come from hitting a child that couldn't come from other methods? Why inflict physical pain on a child when other methods will work just as well, if not better, in the long run? I see spanking as a very short term 'fix' without foresight into what you will do once your child is too "big" to spank anymore.

Believe me, I am one of the more "strict" GD parents here and have high expectations of my children...but I would not hit them to teach them something, any more than I would hit my husband or any other person I know. There are many other effective ways to parent a child.


----------



## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
If I recall correctly, it's "legal" to spank a child on their bottom (and only their bottom).
.

And actually, this is the crux of the problem. It's illegal to hit an adult unless in self defense. Unfortunately, the same is not true for children, simply by virtue of their age.


----------



## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
And actually, this is the crux of the problem. It's illegal to hit an adult unless in self defense. Unfortunately, the same is not true for children, simply by virtue of their age.









:


----------



## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
So much stuff that I could be saying, but I am powerless. Unless I get banned. *sigh*


OK well, no sarcasm or offense meant, talk about it somewhere else then. This is the GENTLE DISCIPLINE forum.


----------



## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
I knew the rules on it, I was just asking WHY it couldn't be debated here.

Because we have all evolved past that and already know exactly why it's barbaric to hit or spank children. Why waste our time?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
So much stuff that I could be saying, but I am powerless. Unless I get banned. *sigh*

Why are you here, if you don't believe in the most basic premises of Mothering Magazine and MDC?







:


----------



## JustKiya (Feb 5, 2007)

I've noticed (as I'm having this SAME conversation with my DH now) that many people who have grown up around spanking, and who find it 'normal' have a REALLY hard time understanding PRECISELY how illogical it is.

You don't hit an adult to teach them something.
You don't hit an animal to train them (THAT's ILLEGAL)
You don't hit a friend to teach them something.
YOu don't hit your spouse to teach them something.

I'd like to believe children are smarter than most animals, and if animals can be trained without being HIT (I don't care where it is, or how 'soft' it is, the intention is to cause PHYSICAL PAIN) - then I'm CERTAIN children can learn without being hit.

To ignore that, is to ignore the human rights of children - solely because they are smaller than you.

*shakeshead*

Insane.


----------



## PNWmama (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
So much stuff that I could be saying, but I am powerless. Unless I get banned. *sigh*

Then go somewhere where it can be debated if it's so important to you.


----------



## PNWmama (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthymama2b* 
I've noticed (as I'm having this SAME conversation with my DH now) that many people who have grown up around spanking, and who find it 'normal' have a REALLY hard time understanding PRECISELY how illogical it is.

You don't hit an adult to teach them something.
You don't hit an animal to train them (THAT's ILLEGAL)
You don't hit a friend to teach them something.
YOu don't hit your spouse to teach them something.

I'd like to believe children are smarter than most animals, and if animals can be trained without being HIT (I don't care where it is, or how 'soft' it is, the intention is to cause PHYSICAL PAIN) - then I'm CERTAIN children can learn without being hit.

To ignore that, is to ignore the human rights of children - solely because they are smaller than you.

*shakeshead*

Insane.









: Exactly. You took the words right out of my mouth!


----------



## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

my3peanuts, you really need to get some legal documentation regarding who will raise your children should the unthinkable happen. And yes, in with the legal documentation, it would be good to include a detailed letter with your parenting philosophies and your preferences as to how they are to be parented should you pass. BUT that sort of letter isn't a legal document and there is nothing to say that your relatives will abide by it at all.

Personally, we have friends listed, even though together, DH and I have 12 siblings. We thought long and hard and know that it is very important to us that our children not be abused should something horrible happen to us.

Personally, if I were you, I'd just print off some articles and perhaps buy a couple of books to give as gifts to your SIL and hope that she reads them and learns that there are much better ways of teaching a baby and child than spanking.

Good luck!


----------



## devster4fun (Jan 28, 2007)

To the OP, you must find a way to get some sort of Will. It can be done on-line and signed with witnesses. This will be better than nothing. As to a letter, right now I wouldn't. It would open up a Pandora's Box of issues, which might be very difficult to deal with. OTOH, if you feel strongly about what's going on with the baby, I would address it in person. Could you have this type of conversation without hurt feelings for either party?

Vypros...it just makes no logical sense to debate this issue HERE. You have come to the wrong place. There is an entire Internet of place where you can have your feeling heard. You are in the G-E-N-T-L-E Discipline forum of MDC. What's difficult about that?

Think about this. Lets say you were really struggling with an alcohol problem and visited a website for support and ideas about how to stay sober. In the "Staying Sober" thread, there was a poster going on and on about great drinking is and how it's not a problem for them. That would not be helpful and could possibly be damaging to other members. The same applies here, IMO. There are parents _struggling_ to stay gentle with discipline and change the way they're raising their children.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
So long as the "swatting" remains on the bottom only, then I hardly classify this is abuse or a poor parenting technique. I know this forum doesn't agree with spanking a child, so I won't go into it, but really you shouldn't be able to bash something that you can't defend here either.

There are more important things to worry about than whether or not your sister in law spanks their child. Seriously. A letter stating your philosophy isn't going to do anything but incite anger or make them roll their eyes. I don't mean that to be ignorant, but you're not going to be able to change it.

This isn't a "should I call CPS on my SIL" thread- this is a "I don't want SIL to have my kids if anything should ever happen to me" thead. Whether or not SIL is technically abusing the baby isn't the point right now.

Could you meet up with other MDC mamas in your area and possibly name one of them as guardian for your children? You don't necessarily even have to discuss this with any of your family members- if you and your DP remain alive and healthy as long as your children are little then nobody has to ever know that you named "strangers" as guardians instead of your SIL and her DP.

There's probably little you can do to change the way SIL is raising your nephew. You can try to gently educate them, teach them new discipline methods they can use in addition to the ones they're currently using. They might hit him less if they had some concept of what to do instead- but it sounds like a huge part of it is them having unrealistic expectations of a 12mo's behavior


----------



## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
Also, spanking isn't an illegal thing, so it's not like you're condoning something illegal. If I recall correctly, it's "legal" to spank a child on their bottom (and only their bottom).

It's illegal where I live, and in many other European countries. Children have the right to the same protection against violence as adults have - and why shouldn't they?


----------



## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
I knew the rules on it, I was just asking WHY it couldn't be debated here.


For the same reason that we don't debate the 'benefits' of beating children with sticks, or throwing rocks or children, or branding them with the letter B for bad when they misbehave. MDC does not condone child abuse.

There is not, and never will be, a valid argument for hitting children. I come here to be safe from child-hitters, not have to be nauseated by them.


----------



## MamaWindmill (Feb 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
Look, if I can't defend my viewpoints, then you shouldn't be able to bash them.

First of all, you can pretty it up all you like, but when you hit your kid, you're hitting them, not "swatting" or "bopping" or "tapping" or whatever other words you try to use to get past the fact that an adult is committing an act of violence on a child.

Second of all, I think I will go ahead and "bash" the viewpoint that hitting babies or children is somehow an acceptable parenting choice. It isn't. No amount of dressing it up will change that.


----------



## mommacanary (Aug 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
So long as the "swatting" remains on the bottom only, then I hardly classify this is abuse or a poor parenting technique. I know this forum doesn't agree with spanking a child, so I won't go into it, but really you shouldn't be able to bash something that you can't defend here either.

There are more important things to worry about than whether or not your sister in law spanks their child. Seriously. A letter stating your philosophy isn't going to do anything but incite anger or make them roll their eyes. I don't mean that to be ignorant, but you're not going to be able to change it.

When I was 5 my tail bone was broken from a swat on the bottom. I still live with the pain from that and it's 30 years later. I can't sit though a movie without my tailbone hurting so much I feel like crying. A swat on the bottom is abuse.


----------



## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommacanary* 
When I was 5 my tail bone was broken from a swat on the bottom. I still live with the pain from that and it's 30 years later. I can't sit though a movie without my tailbone hurting so much I feel like crying. A swat on the bottom is abuse.


----------



## MyLittleWarrior (Dec 19, 2006)

my3peanuts, I totally hear you. We don't have a will yet either







: , and it's something we need to do asap. We have chosen a gardian for our children that would not be supported by the courts if it is not in a will. You don't have to discuss it with your SIL at all. If something should happen, they would find out when the will is read, and by that time, they may get their feelings hurt, but your children will be safe. If we were to discuss our choice with anyone but the person who has agreed to be gaurdian, it would cause an emense amount of discord in the family, and the truth is, it's not likely to happen, so we feel we don't need to rock that particular boat.









Good luck, mama.


----------



## ktbug (Jul 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaomiMcC* 







:

They're crawling out of the woodwork!







Honestly, what are you guys doing here?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun*
...it just makes no logical sense to debate this issue HERE. You have come to the wrong place. There is an entire Internet of place where you can have your feeling heard. You are in the G-E-N-T-L-E Discipline forum of MDC. What's difficult about that?

Think about this. Lets say you were really struggling with an alcohol problem and visited a website for support and ideas about how to stay sober. In the "Staying Sober" thread, there was a poster going on and on about great drinking is and how it's not a problem for them. That would not be helpful and could possibly be damaging to other members. The same applies here, IMO. There are parents struggling to stay gentle with discipline and change the way they're raising their children.

Yes, that. Well said.

OP and others to whom this applies:
If you truly do care this much about the issue, get a will. It's not that expensive, and in case of an unimaginable tragedy it could be the best thing you ever do for your children.


----------



## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ktbug* 
They're crawling out of the woodwork!







Honestly, what are you guys doing here?

Oh my gosh, thank you! I was thinking the same thing!

While they are here though, I sincerely hope they read the literature.


----------



## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Natural Mommy*J* 
Oh my gosh, thank you! I was thinking the same thing!

While they are here though, I sincerely hope they read the literature.

I've been feeling the same thing today







:


----------



## swimswamswum (Oct 26, 2005)

Someone needs to disable MDC's misogyny magnet, stat!

To the OP, if I was in your situation I would probably talk to my sister in law (gently, with lots of mainstream (AAP, WHO, etc.) child development literature to support my position). Even if she doesn't respond and continues to hit her baby







: , at least you are planting the idea in her mind that hitting is wrong. If she isn't responsive, I would change the will. This is such a tough situation for you.









Here are some (mainstream, if that's what it takes to convince her) links to studies showing later problems among small children who are spanked:

http://pediatrics.aappublications.or...act/113/5/1321
http://parenting.ivillage.com/tp/tpb...,,njb0,00.html


----------



## my3peanuts (Nov 25, 2006)

Thank you for the advice and support.

I've decided that I do need to get a will written up and I think for now what I'm going to do is write something up that suggests some books I'd like them to read that are in line with my philosophy as well as why I'm raising my kids the way I am and that I want them to respect our wishes. I also plan on talking to SIL.


----------



## ian'smommaya (Jun 7, 2004)

i would also talk to your s.i.l about the WHO advice and peditriations advice on hitting of children, much like swim swam swum suggested. good luck too you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vypros* 
Also, spanking isn't an illegal thing, so it's not like you're condoning something illegal. If I recall correctly, it's "legal" to spank a child on their bottom (and only their bottom).

actually some places it is illegal to hit a child. anywhere. for any reason. joyously enough i live in one of thsoe states...i reguarly hear it called a mothers paradise for the amount of (emotional) support we get too.


----------



## pumpkinyum (Mar 27, 2007)

If you change your will so they don't get the kids, then who will get them?


----------



## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ian'smommaya* 

actually some places it is illegal to hit a child. anywhere. for any reason. joyously enough i live in one of thsoe states...i reguarly hear it called a mothers paradise for the amount of (emotional) support we get too.









Where do you live? Would you like houseguests?







:


----------



## ian'smommaya (Jun 7, 2004)

any time three beans. anytime.
minnesota btw.


----------



## my3peanuts (Nov 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ian'smommaya* 
any time three beans. anytime.
minnesota btw.

That's funny, because I'm in MN too.







But sadly, it's not that way around here.


----------



## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I'm just skipping the whole debate part and going straight to the OP.

Quote:

Would it be stupid of me to write a letter addressed to them expressing my concerns and stating my philosophy about raising my kids and let her know where it's at and that if the time ever came she could read it?
No, it would not. However I would ask that you consider some other measures you could take. I just don't think a letter at that time would have the effect you might be hoping for.

"I just want her to know that is not ok and if she were to ever have my kids she'd have to promise me she'd raise them the way I want them to be raised."

I don't know that ANY of us are capable of implementing someone else's parenting policy. I mean we're talking 24-7 here. Do you think that if your little babies want to crawl into bed with her, that she will accept that (knowing what you know now)? I am not judging her, but suppose she wrote you a letter letting you know she wanted you to be "strict" (read: spanking, punishments, etc.) with them? Would you be able to do it?

Gentle discipline requires gentle feelings. I would talk to your DH about speaking to them now about changing the will. You mention that you don't know anyone who comes even close to your parenting style: would you consider leaving the kids with a single parent or a single person who has kids? Maybe a non-traditional family, like a gay couple? An older person?

If not, at least you could try to find someone who doesn't hit babies. I know that sounds mean but it is just sad. If that's what they do to helpless, soft little angels, how are they going to react to a teenager's coming home with a nose-ring... and a speeding ticket?

I am just so sorry, for the baby and your family. I hope it works out.

ETA- well I read some later posts about talking to your in-laws about parenting and I don't know- I think it's good but how would they take it? I don't envy you but I agree it's an important discussion to have. I personally would still be looking out for someone who had more of my worldview. For what it's worth, we still haven't chosen our baby's godparents- she'd go to her grandparents for the time being.


----------



## mommacanary (Aug 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rmzbm* 









Thank you.







I needed a hug. That was hard for me to post.

It just really makes me upset when people think it's ok to hit if it is on the bottom. There is no special place on a child where you can hit them and they won't get hurt. All hitting hurts.


----------



## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthymama2b* 
You don't hit an animal to train them (THAT's ILLEGAL)

This is something I have never understood - our children aren't even given as much protection as animals. How in the world can anyone not see this as ridiculous and still thinks it is ok to hit a child will never make any sense to me.

To the OP - I agree with a lot of adivce you have already gotten. Good Luck!


----------

