# How do you handle a 21 month old hitting?



## Kamie (Jul 10, 2006)

My 21 month old has started hitting and kicking me and DH. It is making us both crazy. Sometimes it is because he wants something or doesn't want his diaper changed but sometimes it is completley unprovoked. I have been saying "no hit" and having him show me gentle but I am not seeing a decrease in the hitting. Any other idea's? I have not seen him hit other children it just seems to be directed at us but I fear that may change soon. Thanks Kamie


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## justy421 (Oct 9, 2007)

i have a 20 month old who has the same problem. it seems like the goes through spurts though where he will do a lot of hitting for a couple of weeks, then he will stop for a while. and just like you said, he doesnt hit anyone else, its always me, and sometimes my husband.
what i do is i grab his hand while he is hitting me and i will look him in the eye and i will say "we dont hit. we love." and i will either hug him or take his hand and gently pet me with his hand. at that point he usually takes his frustrations out by burring his head in my chest and whining.
also lately i have been trying to show him that if he is upset or angry that he can go over and hit a pillow as much as he wants. i dont know if he quite gets that yet. 20 months is a little difficult because you cant really explaine things to them.
good luck, i know the hitting thing is hard to deal with, especially at this age. let me know what you end up doing.


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## Kamie (Jul 10, 2006)

I will try the we don't hit we love approach. I hope he stops hitting while I try and give the hug. This age is hard. They are so determined to have it there way. Thanks for the suggestions. Kamie


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

They don't really know their strength at that age and probably aren't aware that it hurts.

Try to use positive phrases instead of negative, particularly instead of contractions like "don't". Kids don't understand contractions as early as other language, so "don't hit mommy" can sound like "blah blah hit mommy". Also, it's better to focus on what they should do rather than what they shouldn't do without a replacement. "Be gentle with mommy" or "gentle touches", and taking his hand and showing him how to gently touch you, and gently touching him as you say it might help.

Nothing stops hitting immediately. You have to do it over and over and over again. But he will get it.

If he hits because he's angry, add some empathy. "You seem very angry. It's OK to be angry but not to hit." And again, try to add a replacement action. "It's OK to be angry but not to hit. When you're angry, tell me you're angry so we can fix what's wrong."


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## justy421 (Oct 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
They don't really know their strength at that age and probably aren't aware that it hurts.

Try to use positive phrases instead of negative, particularly instead of contractions like "don't". Kids don't understand contractions as early as other language, so "don't hit mommy" can sound like "blah blah hit mommy". Also, it's better to focus on what they should do rather than what they shouldn't do without a replacement. "Be gentle with mommy" or "gentle touches", and taking his hand and showing him how to gently touch you, and gently touching him as you say it might help.

Nothing stops hitting immediately. You have to do it over and over and over again. But he will get it.

If he hits because he's angry, add some empathy. "You seem very angry. It's OK to be angry but not to hit." And again, try to add a replacement action. "It's OK to be angry but not to hit. When you're angry, tell me you're angry so we can fix what's wrong."

i agree with showing him how to gently touch you. i will do that also, when i tell him "we dont hit, we love" i will grab his hand and gently stroke myself with his hand. a lot of times he will continue the stroking once i stop, or hug me.

but i agree that the hitting wont stop by just doing that one or two times. it takes time, you have to address it everytime, and even once he starts getting the picture, hes still not going to respond well EVERYTIME.

toddlers have a hard time controling their emotions, and they cant vocalize them so they are easily thrown into tantrums and hitting very easily. we just have to remember that its not their fault. but this is why it is good to tell them "its ok to be angry" like "mamazee" said because it shows them that its ok and you still love them, and also gives them a word to what they are feeling. "angry" it shows that you understand what they are going through.

there is no easy, cure-all solution. just be patiet and understanding, but also firm at the same time.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

We have the same problem with our just turned two year old. And, she is doing it at daycare as well, as we have seen some notes about talking to her to use "nice hands" with her friends.
That is a good point that "don't hit mommy" sounds like blah blah hit mommy.
We do time outs after repeated hitting after being told no (I am not sure if that is GD or not. We do short ones, and lots of loving afterward). I also say to her "I know you are angry right now because I won't let you watch more TV but hitting isn't nice. We are going to go outside for a walk, you like that."
I am also assuming that they will grow out of it as their vocabularies increase. I try to remember that some of this frustration is with having lack of words to express herself, and with always being told what to do. So, I also try to give her choices to avoid conflict ("It is time to get dressed, do you want to wear your pink shirt, or the yellow one?")


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## fritz (Nov 9, 2005)

Most toddlers go through a hitting phase (or several phases)...it's normal and age appropriate. Frustration is a huge trigger, so if you're already minimizing the hungry/tired scenarios, that leaves verbalizing things for your DC (ex--You're mad/sad/upset. It's okay to be man/sad/upset, but it's not okay to hit Mommy.), substituting an acceptable activity (Let's hit the pillow/couch/bed/bop bag; let's stomp our feet; do some other highly physical activity to get the energy out), or our last resort is removing ourselves from harm/reach. The last one gets challenging when DS is basically chasing me to hit me--usually I turn it into a chasing game, and pretty soon he's laughing, and I'm less upset too. It doesn't necessarily satisfy his desire to hit me, but a quick romp on the bed (tickling is a useful distraction) usually helps.

Consistency is so important. Part of the hitting is spontaneous/emotional, but soon it'll morph into experimental (what kind of reaction will I get this time?). Try to stay calm and give the same responses/options each time...it'll eventually get better. My DS is 30mos now, and he almost never hits me; when he was 25 mos, though, it peaked. Stressful changes in living conditions/lifestyles can also cause a hitting "regression".


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## Kamie (Jul 10, 2006)

Well so much for thinking he was not hitting other children. I am watching a friends 2 year old today and he has started hitting her. Urgghhh. . . deep breath. . . I will keep giving him words for his feelings and have him show me gentle touch (this is my new mantra). Kamie


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## mich (Apr 19, 2002)

We did the "hit the pillow" suggestion when our boys were small. It worked great and contrary to some peoples beliefs that it will promote the desire to hit when frustrated as older children. I can now say, as they are so much older, that we never saw that happen. They are now sweet gentle boys. It was all developmental and the pillow was a great way to let it pass.


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## Danaoc (Jul 11, 2005)

When my ds was that age he started hitting too (and I hate to say that it lasted well over a year) but part of that is because my dh "let" him do it for so long and never reacted to it (not even telling him no) so I think that made it worse.

Anyway 1 thing that helped a lot was teaching him to say "Space please." He hit a lot when kids were too close and he felt threatened that they would touch him or take his toys. So we showed him he could say "Space please" and move away. Also, it gave me warning that he might be feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes too, I would say, "Ds, do you need space?" in group play. This would help the parents of other kids know to direct their kids away too. Kids don't really know personal boundaries and need to be taught that as well. And some parents would let their kids crowd others. When my ds would hit, he'd be seen as the "bad" one, (and I'm not excusing it), but I think there should be an awareness/respect of personal space.

Hope this helps!


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## tynme (May 28, 2006)

I'm new to the GD thread, but as my DS gets older (a whoppin' 20 months!) I find I am starting to snoop around in here more lately. Anyways, not sure if this is along those lines or not, but my DS has taken to hitting lately, more specifically, hitting our glasses off our faces, or randomly hitting faces. What DP and I have beeen doing is stopping play, signing "hurt", putting our heads down, crying max of like 5 seconds, looking DS in the eyes, saying "hitting hurts", and then redirecting to appropriate play. Most times I really feel that the only reason DS hit's is because he is trying to play and physically interact with us (think tickle or wrestle) he just doesn't quite know how. I don't believe he does it to inflict pain, but I believe in teaching/modeling cause and effect. I.E. If you hit, it will hurt, it is not okay, but this (other behaviour) is okay. Good luck!! He seems to really respond well to this, he will stop play and become concerned and interested in our actions, and then actively participate in appropriate play afterwards. HTH!


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## sugarcube78 (Jun 20, 2006)

_"Anyway 1 thing that helped a lot was teaching him to say "Space please." He hit a lot when kids were too close and he felt threatened that they would touch him or take his toys. So we showed him he could say "Space please" and move away. Also, it gave me warning that he might be feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes too, I would say, "Ds, do you need space?" in group play. This would help the parents of other kids know to direct their kids away too. Kids don't really know personal boundaries and need to be taught that as well. And some parents would let their kids crowd others. When my ds would hit, he'd be seen as the "bad" one, (and I'm not excusing it), but I think there should be an awareness/respect of personal space."_

This is great advice...I'm going to try it. My 27 mo old is really aggressive lately. Esp towards her little 8 mo brother. I'm not sure what to do in that case because she really can hurt him. Like she twist his cheek or pinch or full out tackle him. I'm at a loss of what to do with that, because I find myself just reacting...like in a panic. I don't want to do that...so I guess I'm just kind of working on my reactions at this point.


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## alisagc (Oct 15, 2007)

Huh? What did I say in the title?

Yes, it's developmentally appopriate for kids this age to hit, bite and kick...

That doesn't mean you ignore it, but it means you don't treat it as a misbehavior - you have to get into the world of your little one.

Children at this age are trying to gain independence and are testing those boundaries....they do it by taking control and power whenever, wherever and however they can. Since children don't have many verbal tools, they resort to physical tools.

Never, ever, ever punish a child for this type of behavior. Never, never, never hit, kick or bite back to show him or her 'how it feels.' Instead, there are many wonderful tips in this thread - demonstrate gentle touch, avoid the use of 'don't hit/kick/bite....' and instead say, touch gently...

Also, when it's a happy and relaxed time, make up songs or games that teach your child gentle touch (telling a child 'gentle touch' isn't enough). For example, make a game out of it....What do we do with our mouth? We sing (la la la!), we laugh (ha ha ha!), we smile, we kiss, we eat.... Make this as fun as possible. Then, when you see your child doing something like biting, or spitting, we go back to the game...."What do we do with our mouth? We sing (la la la)," etc.

Hope that helps.

Alisa

President
Principal Tutoring and Consulting Services
www.principaltutoring.com
www.alisaeducationtalk.blogpost.com


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## capagrl (Jun 15, 2006)

I agree with many of the other suggestions. I've been introducing sign language to my 16 month old for the past year and he's just now starting to really, really pick up on it. So when he hits me, I show him the sign for "ouch" and touch the part of my body he hit. I also verbalize, "Nice touches" and use his hand to gently stroke or pat me instead of hitting. We've asked our older children to say, "Nice touch, please" when he's hitting, kicking, hair pulling, etc. We also intervene on the dog's behalf









One thing I've noticed is that my DH, God love him, loves to thwack the baby in the head with an empty bottle, being playful. Unfortunately, that shows DS that hitting with objects is A-Ok since daddy does it and it doesn't hurt or anything (and he cannot grasp that others feel pain anyway). I've reiterated this point to my hubby several times - seems like I need more help dealing with him than I do with my son LOL


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kamie* 
I will try the we don't hit we love approach. I hope he stops hitting while I try and give the hug. This age is hard. They are so determined to have it there way. Thanks for the suggestions. Kamie

My question for this would be-are you teaching your child not to feel frustrated by saying that?

They usually hit out of frustration and wouldnt it make more sense to redirect them to a better way to express their negative feelings?

It seems like hitting and loving are opposites, how do you chaneg from being mad to loving as a human being?

I dont know if I am articulating this???

I am totally taking notes cause I have a firecracker too!!!


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alisagc* 
. Never, never, never hit, kick or bite back to show him or her 'how it feels.'









:

I tried the bite back thing with my oldest when he was biting my boob.







It didnt work. Definatly dont do it.

It made sense at the time!









Jenny


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## forest~mama (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kamie* 
Well so much for thinking he was not hitting other children. I am watching a friends 2 year old today and he has started hitting her. Urgghhh. . . deep breath. . . I will keep giving him words for his feelings and have him show me gentle touch (this is my new mantra). Kamie

This is the worst! My dd had been hitting at indoor park, and almost every time we go, we leave for a hitting incident. The other day she bit a little boy at indoor park, hard! The boy was screaming and the other mom had to leave because he wouldn't stop. Ug!
Thanks for all the ideas everyone


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

my dd slams blocks/books/whatever she can find over ds's head. The other day I noticed him playing blocks next to her wearing a helmet.







I thought that was smart of him.


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## forest~mama (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transformed* 
my dd slams blocks/books/whatever she can find over ds's head. The other day I noticed him playing blocks next to her wearing a helmet.







I thought that was smart of him.

Smart indeed!


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## PiesandAbrosmama (Jan 31, 2003)

This is strange that I stumbled on this thread tonight. A friend just emailed in desperation of what to do with 2 year old that is biting and hitting everyone even baby sister! He acts like he is going to kiss and then hits! I am going to direct her here. I also am taking notes for my firecracker 18 month old


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