# I'm afraid I'm becoming an abusive parent (long)



## snugg_bug (Nov 21, 2005)

Hi, I am fairly new to this site. I came on here awhile back and have not posted since. I am posting today in an effort to try and resolve the conflict I find myself in - so I am hoping that I came to the right forum. I cannot post in the "abuse" section because I am not an active, over 500-post member here. Therefore I am posting here. Please, do not pass judgment on me. I am looking for open hearts and open minds.


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## PennyRoo (Dec 7, 2004)

Mama, you did the right thing by posting here and asking for help. There are so many wise and wonderful mamas on these boards whom I know will walk you through this with advice, support, encouragement and lots of great ideas for redirecting your sweet, inquisitive DS. I am on my way out the door and do not have time to post anything else, but I couldn't ignore the title of your thread, and then could not read your cry for help and not respond. Please know I am thinking of you - it sounds like you are very disturbed by the path you feel you might be headed down, and are in tuned to your own distress signals, which are good tools for change. Hang in there - I'm sorry this is happening to you and I will be checking in on this thread again to see how you are doing. Hugs mama, to you and your sweet DS.


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Scary stuff.

It seems to me as though hitting is just the natural next step to this controlling behavior that you are already describing. I mentioned in another thread how my 24month old heard her dad holler 'no!' a couple of different times, and she just stared at him sort of interested and amused, because she had no idea what he was doing. We just don't parent her that way.

When I picture myself trying to clean the bathroom with no one watching my little one, it's a given that she's going to wander in there and try to touch things. And if my attention is on something other than her, she's going to probably start acting out until she's got my full attention. And if the only way she can hold my attention is by persisting in doing something she knows I've asked her not to, by god then that's what she'll do. That's kids







. That's the way they function. Might as well get mad at her for drinking milk, sleeping for 12 hours or pooping in her diaper.

I think you and your hubby need to find a different way of parenting, one that doesn't include angrily or aggessively demanding compliance. Kids just aren't mature enough to govern their own behavior. They really need our help. It's crazy to put the whole responsibility on their little shoulders and then be mad when they can't live up to it. And it's such a slippery slope, as you are starting to feel for yourself, from an angry 'NO!" to a slap on the hand, to a hurt child and a damaged relationship.

How about parenting classes? Any available to you? Even though you're educated about this stuff, it would help to find support there.

hang in there, mama!
blessed


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## simple living mama (May 4, 2005)

PennyRoo said:


> Mama, you did the right thing by posting here and asking for help.
> 
> I agree. How are you suppose to break the cycle in your family if you don't seek out help? By doing this you are half way there. I really feel you have to admit it to heal it.
> 
> ...


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## mom2jasper (Dec 5, 2004)

I just wanted to say that you are incredibly brave and honest for posting about such a difficult and scary thing that you're going through. Just realizing what's going on shows how ready you are to learn more. I recommend reading Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting which addresses philosophies of parenting and how not get away from the idea of "controlling" children. It's very thought-provoking and has helped me change my whole way of thinking.

I have a tendency to get hot under the collar when I',m doing too much, and was yelled at all the time as a child--when I try to do too much (clean the bathroom, empty the dishwasher, fold laundry) and DS wants to join in, I start getting edgy, so now I just abandon it all (or not even attempt starting) and play with DS. The times that I've said NO! a little too loudly left us both in tears and it took a long time to recover for both of us. Now I just have a messier house, and a happier boy.

I am sure you'll get tons of great ideas here


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## Maple Leaf Mama (Jul 2, 2004)

You have mail.


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## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

I admire you for posting as well as it sounds like a really difficult situation for you. I'm probably more of a 'controlling' mom than some of the other posters on this thread so I might not have the exact same take on it as others but one thing I really think you need to think about is your expectations. It is not in anyway reasonable to expect a 14 month old to be able to control those behaviors himself. Your options are: remove the dangerous items from his reach (babyproof, babyproof, babyproof), rearrange your life so that things like cleaning with dangerous chemicals is done when he's asleep (or go buy some of the many all natural, non-toxic stuff out there), and/or find something else he can do alongside you. I often give my daughter a wet washcloth to do the floor while I do the toilet VERY quickly. Your house is not going to be as clean with a kid around. Part of it is that toddlers have that inborn instinct to explore there environment. You have to embrace that if you don't want to be at war with your kid all the time. Make sure that the world within his reach in his own home is a safe and child friendly place to explore. If you don't want him getting into things, don't have them within his reach. Or give him something else to explore. I used to put yogurt containers with non-chokable items in them for her to get into. I'd set her up with a bowl of cotton balls to squish. At that age honestly I had stacks and stacks of "kits" for her to explore and give me 10 minutes when I really needed it now and then to do something I didn't want her to 'help' with. Doing chores with toddlers around is just going to take more time. Incorporate the kid in the process or do the chores when they're not around, but be sure you don't expect them to understand why you need to sweep the floor quickly or why they can't touch the lovely things they see around their home. Pick your 'battles' too. Rather than have a house full of "no's", only make those very few things you absolutely can't figure out a creative way to avoid having in your home a no (an electric chord that can't be moved) and tell him it's an "Ouchy" not just a "no".

Teach your child why even if he's too young to understand. Tell him all the reasons. We have to let go as moms of the 'obedience desire' and strive to foster the 'cooperation' factor if that makes sense. You want your kid to do the right thing in the long run because it's the right choice, not because the bigger person told him to, right? You want him to be a thinker, not just a follower, right? You want him to know his mom has good reasons for the things she does and she is trustworthy in having those reasons beyond the old "I said so" that our parents used on us. So when he reaches for something that could hurt him, reach out for him in a startling voice and say, "Danger!" and grab him and give him a hug so he knows you're keeping him safe from something. That may mean you have to peal off cleaning gloves super quick but do what you have to do to teach the lesson of safety gently.

When the thoughts of "I must control him" come to your mind, tell yourself, "No I must communicate to him why this is important" and protect him in the mean time until he understands and has the impulse control to control himself.

I hope that sounds as gently advised as I intended it. I had to deal with some of those same issues myself. Therapy and books do wonders!


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## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

Ooops I double posted somehow when the server was down


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## Maple Leaf Mama (Jul 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blessed*
Scary stuff.

It seems to me as though hitting is just the natural next step to this controlling behavior that you are already describing. I mentioned in another thread how my 24month old heard her dad holler 'no!' a couple of different times, and she just stared at him sort of interested and amused, because she had no idea what he was doing. We just don't parent her that way.

. That's the way they function. Might as well get mad at her for drinking milk, sleeping for 12 hours or pooping in her diaper.

I think you and your hubby need to find a different way of parenting, one that doesn't include angrily or aggessively demanding compliance. Kids just aren't mature enough to govern their own behavior. They really need our help. It's crazy to put the whole responsibility on their little shoulders and then be mad when they can't live up to it. And it's such a slippery slope, as you are starting to feel for yourself, from an angry 'NO!" to a slap on the hand, to a hurt child and a damaged relationship.

hang in there, mama!
blessed


Blessed,

This mama came here for support for what is emotionally upsetting situation.
She put her baggage out there and asked for advise and support.
I cringed when I read your post because (having many of the same issues as this Mama), I am sensitive to judgement-especially when i'm asking for help.
Your post came off as judgemental and harsh. I doubt that this or any mother on MDC would hit a child for drinking milk or pooping in a diaper, and I question your need to make such a statement? To feel superior to her?
It sounded nasty.
People need to remember that when people come here begging for help, emotions can be very raw, and we can NEVER know what has happened in a person's life.
And an OP coming back to read comments like these can be very upsetting and shaming-regardless of any good intentions.
JMO.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I know just exactly the feeling you described, that overwhelming rage... at that very moment it can all feel so personal, like your child is really and truly out to get you... for me it brought back a lot of the feelings of my childhood, and of being powerless when someone else was abusing me. I *felt* the same way, like I was powerless and this small person was out to get me. I knew in my head that it *wasn't* this way, that my child wasn't my abuser and she really wasn't trying to hurt me and make me feel powerless... but at a gut level, the feelings were the same, and sometimes I reacted out of those feelings.

Things that helped... the Natural Child website is a good one, and hanging out here, and reading all the books on the booklist. Also, try to learn about what is truly age-appropriate for a child - I think first-time moms can have a lot of mistaken ideas about this, especially as our children start to walk and talk and look like thinking, rational beings... but they're really babies still. Really. It's just hard to see it sometimes.

For me, it took just immersing myself in these ideas for them to truly take hold. While you're working on things, I suggest avoiding situations that might set you off, like working with things that your son can't touch. Make the environment as safe and child-centered as you can, and avoid situations where you know you're likely to get frustrated. For me, it also helped to dress my daughter in the clothes that I thought was just the cutest when I was having a bad day, and put her hair in pigtails... I mean, she was always cute, but that particular look was so incredibly cute that sometimes it took the edge off my frustrations.

I also learned to just *run away* when I felt the rage rise up. Literally. Up, out the door, or into the bathroom, or whereverI'd go scream and jump up and down and pound the bed for a minute or two, until my sanity returned... leaving my daughter alone for 2 minutes in my child-proofed home was far less dangerous to her than being with me at that moment.

Dar


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## BinahYeteirah (Oct 15, 2002)

I was also abused as a child. Thank G-d, it wasn't an ongoing thing, but I did experience it several times in my childhood.

I think it's great that people are giving ideas about how to parent here, but it might not be helpful for someone from an abusive backgroud. It is possible to understand GD intellectually and to agree with it, yet still find oneself out of control and enraged without knowing what happened. I think the first step is to heal yourself. I don't know if you've been to counseling, but I recommend it. Also, as you said, talking with your dh wll help a lot, too. It's important to feel understood. Plus, you need a support system to call upon when you see things are getting out of control. If you can call up your dh or a friend and talk about your feelings as they happen, then you may help yourself avoid hurting your son. In your situation, it is even more important to take care of yourself, because when you are feeling run down or emotionally out of sorts, you are that much more likely to resort to disciple methods you would never purposely choose. Continue to pay attention to the things that "set you off". I noticed that I had a violent reaction if my daughter touched me after being asked not to when were were taking a shower. I think certain things just take you back to a memory of your abusive past and the rational mind leaves. Of course, we are still responsible for our actions, but you have a much more difficult challenge to overcome, something that reading about GD alone won't change. I think this can be hard to understand except by those who have been abused themselves. Certainly, learn more about GD, but what I believe will help the most is focusing on yourself and healing. Realize it isn't about your ds, but about you.


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maple Leaf Mama*
Blessed,
Your post came off as judgemental and harsh. I doubt that this or any mother on MDC would hit a child for drinking milk or pooping in a diaper, and I question your need to make such a statement? To feel superior to her?
It sounded nasty.

Of course my analogy about milk and diapers was in the context of: _that's kids for you (shrug), what can you do?_ Complete with a smiley face for punctuation. How you extrapolated that into my implying she's hitting her kids, for this or any reason, is beyond me.

Basically, Snugg_bug seems to me to be an intelligent, and unusually insightful woman who knows alot about this topic and who is sincerely seeking some straightforward helpful advice here, if any exists.
People will post rows of huggie smilies, which is fine, but I don't get the impression she posted looking for a pity-party. I think she was really looking for some help.

Snugg_bug knows this stuff. She knows that you can't parent with repeated screams of 'NO!'s and not have that be a red flag that you're on shakey ground with your kid.

When someone opens the door with no-holds-barred candor in talking about a problem, they're generally not looking for handholding and head patting. Usually they're looking for people to shoot straight with them. And I think folks have done a nice job in answering her honestly here, in a way which may be of genuine help to her. I hope I was one of those people.

So, I guess I'm not really convinced that you're speaking for her here.


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## Maple Leaf Mama (Jul 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blessed*
Of course my analogy about milk and diapers was in the context of: _that's kids for you (shrug), what can you do?_ Complete with a smiley face for punctuation. How you extrapolated that into my implying she's hitting her kids, for this or any reason, is beyond me.

So, I guess I'm not really convinced that you're speaking for her here.


I'm sorry that I misquoted you. I couldn't remember your exact wording when I wrote about hitting over drinking milk.

As for speaking for her-I never said that I was. I'm only saying that because I had an abusive childhood, I was dealing with similar issues. And because of that, I found some of your wording to be harsh and sound judgemental.
To say things like "it's crazy to put the responsibility on them and then get mad at them..." wasn't helpful IMO. Then to say she and her husband needs to find another way to parent-well, yes, that's why she's here.
Then to say that YOUR child laughed when your DH yelled NO because you don't parent that way (knowing she does) looked like one upmanship.

I am only pointing this out because I am very sensitive about this partiqular issue, and you may not have noticed the suggestion in your words. That's all.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

mama

*BinahYeteirah*'s post was so right-on.


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## snugg_bug (Nov 21, 2005)

Thank you ladies for your support and input. I think that what I have heard here and what is very good sound advice is to "remove" myself from any situation that might set me off. I don't have these moments often really. They occur when I think DS might be in danger (like when the wood stove is going and he is oh so curious to touch it). We have a very strong bond with him, we co-sleep and he is with either/both of us pretty much 24/7 (attachment parenting). As for putting responsibility on him to understand "no", I think we've had unrealistic expectations. He is very bright, he alerts us when he wants to go for his nap and he will bring a clean diaper to us to change a pee-pee diaper, and the baby wipes when he's had a poop. He also understands baby sign language and tells us when he wants a drink, to eat and much more. I guess we figured that if he understands all this, how can he not understand what no means? At the same time, I know I have to work on my patience level because if I don't, he's going to end up not having any himself.
Thank you again.


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## bellona (Feb 17, 2006)

I couldn't read your post and not offer you a









When I was growing up I was the oldest of 6 kids and we were always perfectly behaved (around my parents







). Of course we behaved because we were scared not to. When my mother or father told me to do something I did it immediately - no hesitation, no back talk.

I don't want to raise my kids like that, and I made a concious decision regarding that before my oldest was born...before he was even conceived. However, when he entered the age where he was starting to get into stuff it still made me CRAZY that he wouldn't listen. There were times when I just wanted to scream. There were even times when I questioned my decision not to spank. I can't describe to you the emotions I felt in these situations. Of course, I'm sure by reading your post you already know.

This was before I'd ever heard anything about any other form of parenting. Everyone I knew spanked and yelled and I didn't have the internet yet. One thing that I started doing was saying "I love you" to him. There were times I said it through gritted teeth but how can you yell at or hit someone who you've just said that to? Another thing that helped was to be more physical with him. I could redirect until the cows came home and he just went back to whatever it was he wanted to do. However, I found that if I got down on the floor with him rolling around and tickling for a few minutes, he'd forget it







. In fact, he'd usually get up and find a quiet activity like looking at books.

It also helped me to find ways to do things like cleaning the toilet when he wouldn't be an issue. I'd save jobs like that for during nap time, and since I had a list of things that were only done during that time going, it really didn't take all that long to go through them. Now I have a small bathroom and I can clean it all while he's taking a bath and never be too far for comfort (i.e. a millisecond away).

I guess the thing that helped me most was recognizing how I was feeling and what my first response tended to be. Then I'd try and work it out in my head differently and try to find solutions when my temper wasn't flaring.

It's difficult coming from an abusive background and trying to raise kids respectfully and conciously. It would be so easy to just take the path your parents had, since that's all you've known. I applaude you for seeking something better for your child though


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## blessed (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maple Leaf Mama*
I'm sorry...I'm only saying that because I had an abusive childhood, I was dealing with similar issues. And because of that, I found some of your wording to be harsh and sound judgemental...

Thanks. You're probably right.

Although there's a history of major neglect in my past, and other things which I've posted pretty openly about, I'm fortunate in that there isn't any history of physical abuse. Perhaps it's difficult for me to appreciate how fragile people feel when opening up about this. Maybe my plainspeak is hard to hear. I wasn't trying for 'one-upmanship' but for demonstrating how it isn't natural for an infant to comprehend and respond to harsh authoritarian speech.

It's nice that others who do share a history are chiming in, and I imagine their words carry a lot of impact.


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## j924 (May 17, 2005)

I have been where you are many times and I feel your pain and fear. I was physically abused as a child by my father and I must watch my thoughts and words very carefully every day. Who you are has been changed by your terrible ordeal but you can overcome. I agree with all the pps who urged you to lower your expectations of obedience. Also I've found having a room or space that you and your ds can retreat to as a safe haven is so helpful. I've made my playroom into a place where dc can't really get into trouble. That way in here there is peace. When stressed or overwhelmed, I come in here with sometimes all of them in tow and we can forget about housework, schoolwork, life...whatever is triggering me at the moment. It helps me because I can just be. Also with your dh, I would talk to him about what his discipline style brings up for you. My dh is the most sensitive guy around but it took him a bit to understand the terror I felt. When I told him that his yelling brought about a physical reaction, it really made a difference. There is an amzing thread over in Personal Growth about parenting and rage. It has been a life saver to me. Wishing you some healing vibes.


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## Think of Winter (Jun 10, 2004)

Hello and Welcome,
It is so hard to try to overcome our "instinctive" reaction to situations like you described. I was raised in an authoritarian, controlling, emotionally charged home, and when I get stressed, I can be really nasty to my dh and ds. This is despite my strong desire to be patient and calm, years of therapy and yoga, and lots of reading about gd. Trying to be a better person is an ongoing process. I had a wonderful therapist, who probably made the biggest difference. She worked as a pastoral counsellor, and my health insurance paid all but a reasonable copay. My dh found her practice listed on a sign outside a church. Maybe therapy is an option for you. I know it is scary to think about finding someone, paying for it, getting away for an hour a week, but in my case it was very much worth it. Just one suggestion for you. Take care and best wishes


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## alicia622 (May 8, 2005)

Have you tried counseling to work through your abuse issues from childhood and to not have such a strong reaction to your dh's approach? I also want to applaud you for being brave enough to ask for support here. It is very difficult to put your stuff out there!


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

I just wanted to subscribe to this thread because I'm there too with need to control, frustration, yelling too much at my 13 mo, wanting to hit her until she LISTENS TO ME. And in all of it I can hear myself channelling my mother.







I used to just remember her being emotionally distant and sometimes verbally insulting to me, but now I'm starting to remember a lot of screaming and frustration, too. I have a lot of work to do on myself, besides helping my husband see too that he has issues. Ugh, what a mess. I'm also reading UP and have read various articles on NCP and other sites and am fairly well immersed in GD principles, and sometimes it just doesn't help in the moment.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

SnugBug, I know exactly how you feel. In fact, this is how I found GD. I originally felt that spanking wasn't particularly wrong, but I knew that I could never do it because I would never be able to issue just one spank. I'd be that mom who was filmed in the WalMart parking lot completely losing it and beating her child. Anyway, then because my dh thought that the idea of "time-out" was "lame", as he put it, we did some research and found GD.

So I guess I have to say that it's a good first step to figure out strategies to avoid disciplinary problems right now. Babyproof, redirect, etc. Also, I think a little reading on development can help. It's amazing how their self-control is far, far behind their comprehension. This is something that really helps me. When my dd is doing something even though she knows she shouldn't, I try to think that it's simply because her self-control isn't there yet and she can't really help it. Even when it seems like she is doing it deliberately to spite me.

In addition to all this, though, I think it's really important to practice the response you want to have, so that you have that to draw on, rather than the instinctual yelling and striking. I think about this a lot. Here are some things that work for me, I think you have to find these on your own, though:

I empathize. I say, "I know, you really, really want to get into that, don't you? I'm sorry, but you can't." Somehow putting myself in their shoes helps me not get mad.

I think, "Eh, why not?" This is for situations that are messy, gross, delaying, but not unsafe. And then I just let them do it.

I get down on their level and talk very quietly and peacefully while looking in their eyes. For awhile, this was hard, too, because if my dd ran off while I was trying this, I'd get very angry. But after some practice, it works really well!

I try not to say, "No!" More for me, than them, because I didn't want to have myself hanging out there with the finite refusal, if YKIM. Instead, I say, "Maybe another time." "That's not for babies." "You can have this instead." "Mommy's going to clean the toilet, why don't you clean your bath toy?" "Fireplaces are hot, hot, hot. I don't want you to get burned, so come over here."

I ignore them. I just take a big breath and pretend like I don't see what's happening.

I know it's so hard. It was such an ingrained response in me, but I'm happy to report that I have never struck my children. I have yelled at my dd and set her down very roughly a few times. But every day is better. And I'm sooo much more patient with my ds, now that I have all this practice.

Also, I'd tell your dh about it. I'm sure that even though he doesn't understand, he will be willing to make the change.


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## kalisis (Jan 10, 2005)

ok, I wrote a LONG, LONG post yesterday afternoon and then mothering in all it's newfound glory ate the darn thing.

So, in a nutshell, I told you that I completely understand your feelings toward your DS when it seems like he's in control of the situation and not you. I feel that way often and it definitely harkens back to my past.

What I do when that happens is I just drop whatever it is that I'm doing. There isn't much in my life that is extrememly pressing and that's deliberately done for a reason. When it's too much for me, I just stop and I offer to read DS a book. I'm sure he's gonna think it's funny one day when we're in the middle of the project and mom is like, "ok, do you want go read a book now?" because I'm personally overwhelmed and need a breather. But, for now, it really works. When I feel myself ready to snap and I really want to hit because I know it'll make me feel better for that one second, I just offer to read a book and then follow through. Sometimes, after one book and feeling his little body against mine, smelling his sweet smell and responding to his antics with the book, I have my mind together enough to go back to the project and be the kind of mommy I want to be. Sometimes, it takes a dozen books and a trip to the park before I feel like I can go back and sometimes, the project just waits for another day. I'm ok with that and honestly, we live in a pretty cluttered, messy house b/c I'm not going to hit my kid so I can get housework done.

It's also really important to get a perspective on his abilities. My DS too is very bright and wise beyond his years and that works against him sometimes in that we expect a lot out of him. I got The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears and then some other developmental books out of the library and started reading about what I should be expecting at his particular age. That REALLY helped me get a handle on the fact that he is a little person and he's thinking a lot about things, but he doesn't always have the self control to do what I ask of him. Heck, I don't have a lot of self control about some things, and I was holding him up to a higher standard than I had for myself. So, you might want to get some good reading about age appropriate behavior - it sure helped me.

I also think that you should probably try to get yourself into some counseling. Yes, you can probably keep yourself on track and not do something that would harm your son, but until you heal yourself, it's going to be a hard struggle. It might also help get your DH on board with what's going through your head and where you're coming from on some of these issues. I know my DH doesn't really understand sometimes why I'm so quick to fly off the handle, but I am figuring out how feeling out of control is a big trigger.

Hang in there mama. I know you are an amazing mommy and your DS is lucky to have you in his life. Keep reaching out and asking for help - that's an important step and I hope that you have found us to be kind and open here.


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## RootBeerFloat (Nov 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar*
I know just exactly the feeling you described, that overwhelming rage... at that very moment it can all feel so personal, like your child is really and truly out to get you... for me it brought back a lot of the feelings of my childhood, and of being powerless when someone else was abusing me. I *felt* the same way, like I was powerless and this small person was out to get me. I knew in my head that it *wasn't* this way, that my child wasn't my abuser and she really wasn't trying to hurt me and make me feel powerless... but at a gut level, the feelings were the same, and sometimes I reacted out of those feelings.

I thought this was so well put, I couldn't do it any better.

These are the things that are helping me:

Embracing a parenting philosophy/practice that doesn't seek to control or punish my child, but rather to engage her in her natural desire to be "part of the pack" and be an active, successful part of our family life. This is completely different from anything that I've ever know, so I do alot of reading, websufing, discucssion boards, etc. So far, I've really liked Playful Parenting by Cohen and Being the Parent You Want to Be by Davis and Keyser.

Making motherhood the centerpiece of my spiritual practice. I practice Kriya Yoga (as a philosophy, not exercise), which borrows heavily from the Buddhist tradition. There is so much in there that keeps me centered, about respecting dd for the divine spirit that she is, the practice of ahisma (nonviolence). Violence is so much more than abuse, and being more aware of it as it pervades my life helps me reject it. The book Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali is fabulous, even for non-Buddhists. She has a whole section on anger and dealing with it, I can't recommend it enough.

Meditation. Every day, for 2 minutes or 10 minutes, whenever I can get the time. Even if it's a short meditation, I find that sitting still, mind quiet every day is the key to keeping myself together.

Being frank with DH about my past and my feelings now. It's hard because I'm embarassed by my behavior sometimes, and so appalled by it. I've had to be honest with him about my ability to become rageful and my need for him to step in if he sees me getting that way. We've come to a place where I can hand her off to him before I lose it so that I can step away and recompose myself.

Hang in there, Mamma. Peace and Blessings.


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## luckylady (Jul 9, 2003)

Oh momma. I feel your pain.

I had a terrible horrible upbringing, and SWORE i would NEVER do the things to my children that my mother did to me. Boy was I surprised to discover this hidden chest of parenting "tools" I had ingrained in my psyche! I had no idea so much rage and anger existed in me, and why the urge to vent it on my small helpless child???

It got worse for me when I read the book, "Your child's self esteem" because it made me realize (or think) I was forever ruined, no hope. It's been a rough year.

Since you asked for solutions - I have started three things that are helping me a lot:

#1. emofree.com - sounds kooky, but it works.
#2. Hypnotherapy. I don't believe in counciling - at least for me. i am a very introspective person and I know what happened to me in the past and i don't need to sit with someone for hours on end rehashing it and crying about it - that just doesn't work for me.
#3 - reparenting myself. There are a lot of excellent resources for this and it's such a loving approach to myself - the kind of approach I never got from my own hateful and cold mother.

be it with every ounce of energy in me, i will create a generation of children in this family who are not effed up from abuse.

I know you can too. Seeing it and admitting it is there is a MAJOR MAJOR step - most abusers close their eyes and hearts. They just close off period - stone cold.









parenting is the hardest job in the world - and the most rewarding. I know for me a large part is admitting when I need to be alone to recharge - i was so bad about this for the first, um, three years of DD's life. I now can feel when I need some space and downtime and I take it. that alone has made a huge difference.


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## mother nurture (Oct 13, 2004)

You are a brave mama for posting here and asking for help. Anything and everything I would have said already has been, but I just wanted to offer you some hugs and encouragement. You are on the right path to heal your wounds and find the place you want to be in your parenting. Good luck


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## snugg_bug (Nov 21, 2005)

Regarding the therapy..

This is something that I have considered, however, I have had 3 bad therapy/councilor experiences in my life. One that I went to, after having been seeing him for 5 months and having engrained alot of trust into him, he one day up and started going into these details about my family (that I never even told him) and at the end of his shpeal, he says "well I know this because your brother...yada yada yada"...it turned out that my brother was seeing the same therapist! And now this guy has not only broken confidentiality for me, but for my brother. I contacted my brother and told him what I had learned and he says, "ya, he told me he was seeing you as well". This guy was actually on an ego trip that my family was coming to see him, and I could tell that he felt very powerful in the fact that he knew something that I didn't' know he knew. The two others were also egotistic, one would not shut up about how many people he helped and would not stop talking about himself and the other one was going on and on about their studies. I'm fed up of investing my personal consequences to stroke someone's ego - so that's it, I'm on my own and doing my own research here and like another poster mentioned about not believing in therapy for themselves, I no longer believe it is something I need for me. I have faith that I can educate myself further into these discussions and thus have a positive outcome.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

I know where you're coming from with all of this. I come from an abusive upbringing, and I also didn't find therapy to be very helpful. For me, one key was realizing that what made me crazy was feeling out of control. When I was running late and my toddler was un-cooperative, I would go nuts. If I was in the grocery store and my toddler would have a melt-down I couldn't handle it. I knew something had to change, and I knew my daughter was just acting like a normal toddler, so it had to be me. I let go of the idea that I could or should control my child, and I embraced a parenting philosophy of loving guidance. I teach and guide, rather than force and control. Realistic expectations, for myself (know what you can handle) and my dc, are an important part of this-- e.g. if I know my toddler doesn't like to go to the grocery store with me, I go when I can leave her with dh.

I did find it necessary to get passed the issues from my childhood. I read a lot of books (_Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life_ was one), and cut myself off from my mother (the abuser in my case). Liberating!

FWIW I think that parents that explore the issues from their own childhood, and consciously decide to do better, make great parents. So many people just blindly do what they know without questioning anything.

I hope things are going better for you


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

This thread is very interesting to me. My first reaction was that a 14 month-old can never be expected to listen to No, it's all about redirecting, and yadda yadda. That's true, I mean I don't think I've ever been able to clean the bathroom with my child around. But even if you keep that in mind and babyproof the house and reduce the Nos, your child will still not listen sometimes, even when he's 2 or 3 or 4, and the same feelings can surface.

Having kids has been like compulsory therapy for me, and it's so interesting to me that the same words come up over and over with all the pps: rage, anger, lack of control. I don't know when it started, but I realized early on that I wasn't comfortable with all the removal of consequences and time outs and that I felt like I was trying to control him, that I was getting way to angry, and it was clear that I was taking my poor little boy's normal behavior as some sort of personal affront, as some sort of reminder of all the other people who have never listened to me, or have yelled at me. I'm working on it every day. It's a process and it's frustrating and I have setbacks sometimes. It helps after I've yelled and gotten mad to look at what set me off and to see how my son reacted to it, but it's depressing seeing that I've fallen into the same trap of anger AGAIN. I am hoping that a therapist could help a little, though I've had problems with them too. The one I'm currently seeing asked me about one instance where I felt overwhelmed and frustrated, and I was telling her about how hard it is to get the baby to sleep and to keep my toddler from getting jealous and waking the baby up. I even mentioned that I felt like I couldn't vent about it because people would just give me unwanted advice and tell me to let the baby cry, and I didn't want to. What does she do? Talk about why it frustrates me? No! She gave me parenting advice! About controlled crying! so yay. I can see why you would avoid one, but maybe you could always give it another try. I'm going to keep trying until my insurance-covered sessions run out, in case I find one who can help make this process smoother, even if it means repeating myself in a room with a stranger a few more times.


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## Maple Leaf Mama (Jul 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah*

In addition to all this, though, I think it's really important to practice the response you want to have, so that you have that to draw on, rather than the instinctual yelling and striking.

Now that MDC has settled down a bit, I'll attempt to post again.
This is SO key.
I do this as often as possible.
When DD is having a low grade to mid grade tantrum, I'll sit her down on the couch and talk to her in a soothing calm voice. I'll explain how I see her feeling and try to figure out a way to remedy it that is acceptable to both of us.
I'll hug her etc etc.
And I have to say that even though I still have those white out rages from time to time, they are less frequent. Usually at the end of a partiqularly bad week, and when DH isn't pulling his weight w/ DD. Then I tend to lose it and have to remove myself. Either to the computer (I'll close the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs so she can't reach me)
I find even an uninterrupted 1/2 hr can work wonders.
If not, I'll go to a local store that is still open at night. (Even if that means the grocery store)
But certainly, practising during the less stressful times is really helpful!


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## Danielsmom (Jul 19, 2004)

To the OP, I know those feelings of instinctive rage and anger, and they are scary. It's so frustrating to think you won't parent a certain way and then find yourself doing things you said you never would. So many of the posts on this thread are helpful because they talk about how the child's behavior can be perceived in distorted ways, instead of being developmentally typical. Or can be perceived as abusive themselves (after all, who enjoys the experience of being hit or kicked at by anyone, even a toddler?!)

I found the one book that really helped me change my perspective and even my actcions was When Anger Hurts Your Kids.
Very helpful. I highly recommend it.
I remember getting exasperated with ds's behavior when he was your son's age and now I look back and think, what was the big deal (ds is now almost 3). And I will probably look back at his current behavior in a couple of years and think the same thing.
So much of it is our own perspective to our kids' behavior. I don't mean that in a condescending way but that I realized I needed to lower my expectations not only of ds's behavior but of what I was trying to get done around the house. Maybe instead of cleaning the toilet bowl with ds around you could make the bed, or sweep or vacuum the floor (something less potentially harmful).
Anyway, please try to get that book because it was the one thing that has helped me change some unrealistic thoughts about parenting. I read it over and over again.
And you are one gutsy mama for coming here and speaking so honestly about your pain.


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