# How do you teach a teen not to objectify women?



## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

Ok this is one of my fears, esp as a women who
was extremely abused in the sex industry....

I am afraid to EVER have a son, because i do not know
how to deal with modern male sexuality. My partner is an
extreme case as he is not really into the classic sexual
objectifications and behaviors that are so common among
many males (ie pornography, strippers, oggling, making comments)
That is how i can deal with being with him, relationship-wise
and sexually.

I don't know how i would deal with that avenue, how
do you teach them to respect women and not feed off
the sexual objectification wagon? I hate to say it
but i really hope i never have a boy because man...
i would just LOSE it.


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

Any mom of a teen boy or even boy wanna
help me tackle this one?


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## majazama (Aug 2, 2003)

I don't have a boy, but have some insight.

My mom raised myself and my brother to be aware of objectification of women (your thread title caught my eye, because that term was used so often around our house) She would do things like always comment on any movie we were watching together that had objectification in it, and if it was too much, she'd turn it off... we weren't allowed to watch 'married w/ children'..

she was just a loving mom. I think that is how we turned out 'right'. hold your kids close!

I think my brother is a great person now, and DEFINITELY doesn't objectify women. he's had a lot of info growing up. He's now a anarchist and wants to save the world (which I think is the anti-thesis of objectifying women, IMO)







:


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

Wow, what a great topic! I don't have much to contribute, but I hope someone does. I had exactly the same feelings when I was pregnant-- I knew I would love a baby boy, but I *so* wanted a girl just so I would not have to deal with this issue.

*Now* I'm wondering how to raise a daughter not to be a man-hater (or, I suppose, how not to objectify herself... sigh)

One thing I have experienced-- I live in the South, and there is still a culture of "gentlemanly" behavior (men opening doors for women, standing when women sit, etc), but it has not been my experience that this does much to curb the objectification. It seems like it's often just an act


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I dont have a boy either but I have thought about this. I say what mamajazama says pretty much: Love him, bond with him, and that will shift how you feel probably. Do your work on your own stuff so you are not projecting undue blame onto him. And we can teach our boys as well as our girls about history and what gender means in this cultural context, responsible manhood, etc. I see lots of men living into their maleness beautifully without being patriarchal







. Or, noticing it and owning it when they do. I think everyone wants to move toward healing, men and women both.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

The best thing you can do is model healthy attitudes. I honestly don't see how it's much different to teach boys or girls- both are exposed to the dominant culture and need their parents' help in making sense of it while they develop their own morals and sense of the world.

For example, it's hard to think of breasts as sexual objects when they have a firm grasp in their minds of breasts as a source of nourishment and comfort. My son probably remembers being breastfed, and all 3 see various babies and toddlers being nursed on a regular basis.

All 3 of my children see healthy adult relationships in their own lives. When my teen and preteen are exposed to something "objectifying" in the media, we talk about it- why I think the images are unhealthy. I intend to do the same with DS when he's old enough to notice these kinds of things.


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## chiromamma (Feb 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jeanne D'Arc* 

Ok this is one of my fears, esp as a women who
was extremely abused in the sex industry....

I am afraid to EVER have a son, because i do not know
how to deal with modern male sexuality. My partner is an
extreme case as he is not really into the classic sexual
objectifications and behaviors that are so common among
many males (ie pornography, strippers, oggling, making comments)
That is how i can deal with being with him, relationship-wise
and sexually.

I don't know how i would deal with that avenue, how
do you teach them to respect women and feed off
the sexual objectification wagon? I hate to say it
but i really hope i never have a boy because man...
i would just LOSE it.

How awesome that you are looking at this now instead of when you have a teenage son.
I LOVE having boys. I am blessed with a husband who adores and respects me, extra 15 pounds and all. He's never been into pornography or strip joints. I used to assume all men were but I've come to learn it's more the exception than the rule. My boys think I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I truly believe that most men and boys are loving and respectful of women and girls.
I actually feel that we as women do more damage than the media. We obsess over our baby weight, we buy mags that have ridiculous images on the front, we do "cleanses", claiming to not care about the residual weight loss. Yes, this is a true confession.








I think consistent work on how we see and speak to and treat our bodies is the best example. There is lots of talk about our responsibility as women to our daughters' perception of their bods but I feel an equal responsibility to my boys development of healthy relationships to girls.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I second (or third lol) the modeling and talking route. Discussion is such a valuable tool. We talk about sexual attraction, sexism, objectification, strippers, movies, song lyrics, porn, etc. I want to share what I think and hear what they think.

I agree with Ruthla that parents can be a good guide for kids who are trying to sort out their values. For example, I don't think all porn is "bad" or that stripping is automatically objectifying and it's been good for my kids and I to have those conversations.


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## mikaela (Oct 3, 2007)

: Great topic!


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

Well, our tact is to let him see women in powerful positions in life. Women as equal partners, people who make decisions, people who are worthy of respect. He sees his father doing the dishes and his mom fixing the computer. We are teaching him that hurting others is inappropriate, particularly women. We read a lot about knights and chivalry.

Its not so much teaching a teen as raising a boy from the beginning to be respectful of everyone, regardless of gender.

I like to think that I'm doing a couple of women (or men, who knows) the great service of raising them some damn good future husbands.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Huh. I know I posted a response to this thread and am pretty sure there was nothing out of line. Weird.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I have 3 boys, 16 years, almost 4 years and 6 months, no girls. I have always been honest and open about images and portrayals of women that I think are disrespectful. My ds has a "kama sutra girl on girl" poster on the wall in his room. I have conflicted feelings about this. However, when it comes to interactions with his friends and girlfriends, he is one of the most respectful, kind and caring boys, much more so than the boys I knew growing up. I think it's fine and normal for him to enjoy looking at the nude female body and I don't see that as the same as "objectifying" women in the negative way that we define that. So, my personal opinion is that I don't need to do anything about the poster on his wall. I think that all boys/men need to be allowed to explore that part of them without being made to feel guilty about it. It's natural.

Now, my 4yo ds was in my 16yo ds' room looking at the poster. He started talking about how he couldn't go into the picture (something that is done on Blue's Clues, if you've ever watched that show) with this funny sort of shy squished up look on his face. I had wanted to post about that on here but was not sure which board, Childhood Years or Preteens and Teens. It's interesting to see that even my little 4yo wants to be with the girls even if he doesn't really know why.

I like to think that I give my boys an example of a smart and attractive and strong woman. I demand respect from my dp. I just won't accept anything less and I would not be with anyone who didn't respect me. I think that's the best way to "teach" boys how to treat women or girls how they should be treated.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Did I kill the thread? I tend to do that a lot, it seems. Anyway, I thought maybe I should clarify something about the poster I mentioned. It does not depict any sexual act. It's a picture of several naked women posed together so that their genitals and nipples (because apparently female nipples are obscene) are covered.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I think the poster sounds fine, MarineWife.







You are so right that boys and men have every right to explore the sexual side of themselves and to not be made to feel about it. My Dd isn't into the typical scantily clad females on his wall either (it sounds as if your Ds is not), but he does have a big picture of Marilyn Monroe. It's a close up of her face...very pouty and sensual. She was a beautiful woman for sure. He also had a calendar that had a couple of girls with see through shirts on. He laughed because he hadn't realized it was on there at first.
















about nipples being obscene LOL


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## Jeanne D'Arc (Apr 7, 2007)

Quote:

Huh. I know I posted a response to this thread and am pretty sure there was nothing out of line. Weird.
Do you think you could manage to recreate that post?

I would be very interested to hear what you have to say
about it.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

I have two teen boys, one is 19 and one is 13, almost 14.
I honestly think it comes down to how your partner and other male family members treat women. Dh isn't into porn, sports illustrated, or any other male ogling women type behaviors. He insists the boys are respectful of me and other women in the family. My guys have never hung a half naked woman poster in the bedroom or anywhere else. The biggest poster they have is of John Lennon.
I have heard the younger boy say that a singer who was half dressed and wiggling her hips on TV one time looked like trash, and they both looked a bit disgusted but I missed most of what was said they defiantly weren't laughing or thinking she looked good.
The girls they seem to attract are also nice girls who seem to be modest. I really believe it's in how you present yourself and how your partner treats you.
I must have sheltered them for quite a while as when we were looking after a baby one day and I had to feed the baby a bottle. The older one was shocked, and felt bad that the baby couldn't have my milk. He knew breasts were for babies. Not for ogling pleasure.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCR* 
The older one was shocked, and felt bad that the baby couldn't have my milk. He knew breasts were for babies. Not for ogling pleasure.


Not to pick on your post or anything, but this is something that interests me when I see it come up.

Breasts are definitely for feeding babies... no question or problem with that for me.







I nursed the kids well into toddler hood, and I think it's a valuable thing for kids (boy and girl) to see that and understand it as normal and positive. However, I do think that breasts are sexual and that it's okay for them to be sexy/sexual.

Perhaps I am looking at this a bit differently because I am bisexual, but I think we all know that women's breasts can be erotic or physically attractive, and I think there's nothing wrong with boys recognizing that. Does that make sense?


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jeanne D'Arc* 
Do you think you could manage to recreate that post?

I would be very interested to hear what you have to say
about it.

Sorry - just read this. My boy is 16, my girl is just shy of 14. I've never made any sort of concerted effort with either of them when it comes to how women, in particular, are portrayed and/or objectified. What I *have* done is emphasize that each of us - regardless of color, creed, body type, gender, etc - is a unique and beautiful person, and we should be careful of judging people based solely on their outward appearance. They both know that there is nothing wrong with admiring a good-looking man or woman, but sometimes jewels are hidden in the most unexpected packaging.

As a result, they've had a varied group of friends over the years. I'll admit, that they have a tendency at times to collect "strays" - the kids who are often picked on or teased, or who are rarely invited places. It's lead to some interesting gatherings at home when they're all together.

My son has had a very eclectic assortment of girlfriends. I think part of it is just the way he is and part is the way I've brought them up. He's dated the petite and cute gal, as well as the short and _zaftig_ one. What they all have in common is that they're girls who stimulate him intellectually in one way or another. LOL The only thing he won't do is date a girl who listens to country music - his tolerance does have it's limit. (And I say that as someone who listens to country and classical almost exclusively.)

But really - I have never looked at it as simply teaching him to respect women or her to insist on being respected due to her gender. I've taught them to follow the Golden Rule - treat others the way you'd like to be treated. Regardless of their appearance, gender or any other reason.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCR* 
I have heard the younger boy say that a singer who was half dressed and wiggling her hips on TV one time looked like trash, and they both looked a bit disgusted but I missed most of what was said they defiantly weren't laughing or thinking she looked good.
The girls they seem to attract are also nice girls who seem to be modest. I really believe it's in how you present yourself and how your partner treats you.
I must have sheltered them for quite a while as when we were looking after a baby one day and I had to feed the baby a bottle. The older one was shocked, and felt bad that the baby couldn't have my milk. He knew breasts were for babies. Not for ogling pleasure.

I find this type of thinking very disrespectful. Imo, a major reason why women are objectified to the point that they are abused is because of this notion that "nice" girls are prudish and modest and rather asexual. Females are not supposed to like sex or be sexy or like being appreciated for the way they look. So, any woman who is sexy is just asking for IT. The idea that a woman who is "half dressed and wiggling her hips" is trash really irks me. That doesn't mean I think everyone should be attracted to that look. I, personally, find men in loose pants much more attractive than men in tight pants. I think we need to get completely away from the idea that women are sluts or hoochies or hos or any other derogatory name for any reason.

I also disagree that breasts are not at all sexual. They are a secondary sexual characteristic that help humans to distinguish between males and females. Men (or women, for that matter) who find breasts attractive, especially large breasts, are not pigs. They are responding to an evolutionary cue that tells them women with breasts are better able to feed their offspring. The larger the breasts the more obvious it is that someone is female. Yes, the ultimate purpose is nourishing young so that they can survive but we need that initial attraction to help get things going toward having young in the first place.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 

Not to pick on your post or anything, but this is something that interests me when I see it come up.

Breasts are definitely for feeding babies... no question or problem with that for me.







I nursed the kids well into toddler hood, and I think it's a valuable thing for kids (boy and girl) to see that and understand it as normal and positive. However, I do think that breasts are sexual and that it's okay for them to be sexy/sexual.

Perhaps I am looking at this a bit differently because I am bisexual, but I think we all know that women's breasts can be erotic or physically attractive, and I think there's nothing wrong with boys recognizing that. Does that make sense?

That does make sense.
But at the age he was at the time (about 8 or 9) he hadn't learned that seeing breasts and feeding babies was anything taboo or sexual as some of his peers had. I have since seen boys this young do the double take and ogle older girls in bikinis at the local pool. Making comments to each other and objectifying them already.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
I find this type of thinking very disrespectful. Imo, a major reason why women are objectified to the point that they are abused is because of this notion that "nice" girls are prudish and modest and rather asexual. Females are not supposed to like sex or be sexy or like being appreciated for the way they look. So, any woman who is sexy is just asking for IT. The idea that a woman who is "half dressed and wiggling her hips" is trash really irks me. That doesn't mean I think everyone should be attracted to that look. I, personally, find men in loose pants much more attractive than men in tight pants. I think we need to get completely away from the idea that women are sluts or hoochies or hos or any other derogatory name for any reason.

I also disagree that breasts are not at all sexual. They are a secondary sexual characteristic that help humans to distinguish between males and females. Men (or women, for that matter) who find breasts attractive, especially large breasts, are not pigs. They are responding to an evolutionary cue that tells them women with breasts are better able to feed their offspring. The larger the breasts the more obvious it is that someone is female. Yes, the ultimate purpose is nourishing young so that they can survive but we need that initial attraction to help get things going toward having young in the first place.

Breasts are sexual to adult men and women, and really shouldn't be to young children. No matter what the size of said breasts.
As for the girls who dress scantily, you reap what you sew. I have noticed where I live (can't speak for other areas) that the girls who are dressing this way and copying pop stars, seem to do it for the attention, and then get all huffy and annoyed when they get unwanted attention for the way they dress, suddenly they want to be taken seriously.
Our best friend who has teen girls, never allowed revealing clothes on her girls, they got a little ribbing from friends at school,(they aren't dressed like nuns, just following school dress code) But they are attractive, without showing it all, get all the dates they want, and are taken seriously and respected by the guys they date.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCR* 
Breasts are sexual to adult men and women, and really shouldn't be to young children. No matter what the size of said breasts.
As for the girls who dress scantily, you reap what you sew. I have noticed where I live (can't speak for other areas) that the girls who are dressing this way and copying pop stars, seem to do it for the attention, and then get all huffy and annoyed when they get unwanted attention for the way they dress, suddenly they want to be taken seriously.
Our best friend who has teen girls, never allowed revealing clothes on her girls, they got a little ribbing from friends at school,(they aren't dressed like nuns, just following school dress code) But they are attractive, without showing it all, get all the dates they want, and are taken seriously and respected by the guys they date.

Again, I think this kind of thinking perpetuates and attitude that's harmful to females and males. It objectifies women by passing judgement based on how they look. Rather than calling girls who are "scantily" dressed trash, we should consider the reasons why they may be dressed like that. Regardless, though, a girl or woman should be able to dress whatever she wants and not have to worry about being attacked because of it.

I wouldn't expect an 8 or 9yo boy to ogle a woman's breasts in a sexual manner, either, unless he'd been taught that directly or indirectly. But I don't necessarily see anything wrong with a boy that age being interested in female breasts. I don't associate all nudity or interest in the human form as sexual. Humans are sexual beings from birth. That does not mean that children should be involved in sex. It is, however, perfectly natural for children to be interested in sex to varying degrees. I think it's very important to not dismiss that or send the message that it's wrong or it shouldn't be but, rather, to discuss it openly and honestly taking cues from the children about how much information they are ready for.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
Again, I think this kind of thinking perpetuates and attitude that's harmful to females and males. It objectifies women by passing judgement based on how they look. Rather than calling girls who are "scantily" dressed trash, we should consider the reasons why they may be dressed like that. Regardless, though, a girl or woman should be able to dress whatever she wants and not have to worry about being attacked because of it.

I wouldn't expect an 8 or 9yo boy to ogle a woman's breasts in a sexual manner, either, unless he'd been taught that directly or indirectly. But I don't necessarily see anything wrong with a boy that age being interested in female breasts. I don't associate all nudity or interest in the human form as sexual.

I too believe that a woman (girl) should not be attacked for the way she dresses, and for someone to use how she dresses to do such a thing is horrendous. we all have free will and a woman not scantily dress could be victimized and attacked also.
First impressions are just that, first impressions. If a woman wants to be treated with respect and be taken seriously then she should look at how she presents herself to the world.

The 9 and 10 year old boys I heard were speaking in a sexual manner, the OP was asking how to raise boys so they don't act in such a way.
I gave my opinion along with everyone else.

In utopia, all would be equal and everyone would be treated with love and respect and boys would grow in homes where they are taught the respect for women no matter how they look or dress. We live in a place far from Utopia. Sad to say. All we can do is raise our kids the best we can.
So far I have raised two respectful teen boys, they don't heckell or harass any women, they respect their elders and do well in school. and get along well with their peers. Don't smoke or do drugs and come home on time.
They are entitled to thier opinion of girls who are scantily dress like anyone else. They would not do or say anything to a girl dressed that way. They keep their opinion to themselves, like a gentlemen should.


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