# I have no idea how to handle this? What would you do? Update post #66



## guestmama9908 (Jan 23, 2007)

My DD is 4 months old. I think she is beautiful. But, I am somewhat biased.









My younger brother just returned from Iraq. He got married a month before he left for his tour of duty. He was gone for a year. In that year his wife has been a part of every family function. She is an early education teacher and has a degree in child development and she makes it a point to lecture me about my parenting style every chance she gets. She gave me a hard time about CLW, and babywearing, and ok she gives me a hard time about everything I do







.

So my brother came home and we all went out to a family dinner. Ella, my DD was in my wrap asleep. After she woke up I got her out so my brother could hold her. He immediately began to make fun of my DD.







: He started saying she had "Huge" eyes and mocking her bugging his eyes out at her and then laughing hysterically. When Ella would smile at him he would start mimmicking her and bugging his eyes out at her again. Then his wife joined in and started calling her "Bug Eyes". I was honestly too shocked to say anything at that point. I finally took DD back and kept her with me the remainder of the meal.

Here are some pictures of Ella. I don't think her eyes are "Huge".

http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o...llaandpup1.jpg
http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o...a/P2210061.jpg
http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o...a/P1180012.jpg

Well then my Dad's birthday was yesterday. We got together for lunch. The first thing out of my SIL's mouth when we walked in was for her to get in my DD's face and say "Hi Bug Eyes!" and then my brother asked me "So do her eyes have a normal position or do they always look like that?"

I am angry and hurt and I have no idea what to do or say. I don't want Ella to grow up with a complex about her eyes and I don't want my DS to hear these comments being made for fear he will start repeating them. I don't know how anyone could say such things about a beautiful baby anyway. So, any ideas on how to handle this?


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Your daughter is very pretty. Her eyes are beautiful. The normal thing for the uncle of a new baby who looks at him attentively and smiles to say is "Oh she's so alert" or "oh, she's smiling at me" or "hi sweetie! Peek-a-boo!"

Your brother and SIL are behaving very badly. I would say something to them, quietly, and then leave it--something like "I don't like this kind of teasing. I don't think it's funny. Cut it out."

I don't think I could take seriously the parenting advice of a person who lacked basic maturity and social skills in the way your SIL seems to.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quite honestly, I don't think it matters one bit whether her eyes are larger than "normal" or not. The point is, they are being shallow and mean spirited about a defenseless baby, no less a family member. There's a difference between good-natured ribbing and mocking, and this is definitely mocking.

I don't have the words to give you to say to them, but I'm sure someone will. I would most definitely say something to them next time you talk to them, letting them know that it's completely unacceptable to tease a baby, and if they continue you won't be able to be around them until they stop.

Oh, and for the record, I don't think her eyes look out of proportion at all. She's a doll!


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## FireFrog (Jun 14, 2006)

I totally agree with captain optimism. Your DD is a very cute and adorable baby, with normal looking eyes! All babies have eyes that are too big for their heads -- that's the way they are built. But your brother and SIL are bordering on *UA violations* with the way they are acting.

Trust your gut here, mama! Nip it in the bud, because I think your instincts are right -- they could do damage in the long run. If they don't back down after you speak to them privately, I think that you will need to become more outspoken about it. Do not let them bully you -- because they will try. People like that always do. THey will try ot make you out to be overly sensitive or making a big deal out of nothing. But we know it is far from nothing.

Fight the good fight!







You have my support!


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

You definitely need to put an end to this. I am feeling sorry for your sweet baby already, and she's not even old enough to understand them yet! How mean-spirited can a grown person be to make fun of a baby like that?!

FWIW, your daughter is absolutely stunning, and I wouldn't even say she has big eyes, much less HUGE ones.


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## devster4fun (Jan 28, 2007)

I agree with PP, the main issue is the teasing...there's no point. Is there any chance you're reading it wrong and they're trying to be nice/cutesy? Like, maybe they have no baby experience and don't know what else to say? Sorry. I'm always trying to give people the benefit of the doubt.

BTW...your DD is adorable, looks like any other baby I've ever seen!! My DD has pointy-ish ears, which was the first thing one of our peds. said when he saw her. "Awww look at those spock ears." or "She looks just like a little elf" She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen









I would think your responses would depend on the situation. You could be straightforward and justr tell them it bothers you. Could you use humor? Like, say...you know DD told me last night she thought you had a bumpy skull. I don't know, just thinking out loud!


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## guestmama9908 (Jan 23, 2007)

I honestly don't think they mean to be malicious. It just comes out in a way that flies all over me. I mean neither one of them has ever even said she is pretty they just go on and on about her "HUGE bug eyes"


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## BurgundyElephant (Feb 17, 2006)

Your daughter is beautiful. Her eyes look fine to me. Your brother shouldn't be teasing a baby - and your SIL sounds like she has to mature a bit.

I wouldn't even wait for a next time - ask them to not call your baby names, or tell your mom to tell your brother. (Sometimes I use my mother as a mediator with my brothers.







)


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

My SIL kept calling ds2 "Nemo" because he was born in a birthing tub. It really bugged me, and I finally had dh say something to her about it. I know she wasn't trying to be insulting, but I felt like it was kind of belittling to the whole birth experience.

They probably think they are being cute. I don't know your relationship with your brother, but I'd probably say something like "Wow, teasing a new mama about how her baby looks, not usually the smartest thing to do." or "Okay, I get it, you think she has bug eyes. I don't want to hear about it anymore." Just something to let them know you don't like it and don't think it's cute.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Has your brother always been a tease or is this new behavior. I have one brother who always teased me and I teased him right back. Some was good natured but some could mean sounding to outsider. However, when he started with my son I cut it right off and being how our relationship was he stopped.

If this is new behavior do you have the kind of relationship where you can really talk? If so get him alone and let him know how you feel and that it hurts your feelings. A good brother (or friend for that matter) will....


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## texmama (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
I'd probably say something like "Wow, teasing a new mama about how her baby looks, not usually the smartest thing to do." or "Okay, I get it, you think she has bug eyes. I don't want to hear about it anymore." Just something to let them know you don't like it and don't think it's cute.









: Those are 2 great replies.

Your dd is adorable!


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
Could you use humor? Like, say...you know DD told me last night she thought you had a bumpy skull.









A little tit for tat, but I do actually like it. Points out how silly they're being.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
They probably think they are being cute. I don't know your relationship with your brother, but I'd probably say something like "Wow, teasing a new mama about how her baby looks, not usually the smartest thing to do." or "Okay, I get it, you think she has bug eyes. I don't want to hear about it anymore." Just something to let them know you don't like it and don't think it's cute.











See, I knew someone would come up with something good.


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *devster4fun* 
Could you use humor? Like, say...you know DD told me last night she thought you had a bumpy skull. I don't know, just thinking out loud!

And of course refer to him as Uncle Lumphead every single time you see him. Teach Ella to call him Uncle Lumphead.


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## JanB (Mar 4, 2004)

I think I know where your family members are coming from, because my family is kind of like that as well. One of my uncles in particular thinks it is hilarious to come up with a nickname for each of his nieces/nephews and call them that in a joking way. Sometimes it is harmless, like when he started calling my cousin Justin "Russell" because "Russ" rhymes with "Jus" (don't ask). But, when my brother was a baby, my uncle started calling him "Borgnine" as in Ernest Borgnine, because he had chubby little baby cheeks. My mom did NOT appreciate it and did not want my brother growing up thinking he was fat, or looked like Ernest Borgning, or whatever. (I know how ridiculous this all sounds.) So she finally had my stepdad say something to my uncle, along the lines of, "Hey, Mark, we know you mean well, but seriously, knock it off." He got the message immediately and never called my brother "Borgnine" again. So hopefully your brother/SIL would be receptive to a message like that also. Some people just get swept up in the perceived humor of a situation and don't realize the effect their words can have, IMHO. (I am giving them the benefit of the doubt here and assuming they are not acting deliberately or maliciously, because if they were, I would say something a lot stronger than "Please knock it off, okay?")


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## FiddleMama (Feb 27, 2007)

Your brother and sister-in-law sound very immature. I think I would say "Please stop calling her that. Her name is Ella and she is beautiful."

That should shut them up eventually if you keep at it. I hate it when people laugh at children, even when they think they're doing it in a fun-loving way. It causes emotional wounds.

Your baby is gorgeous.


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## newmothermary (Jan 9, 2007)

Tell them to stopped it and not do it again because it hurts your feelings. Period.





















:
BTW. Your baby is beautiful







and they are not right for teasing.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

and your Brother and SIL are being immature.

You'd be right to ask them to stop.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

She truly is very beautiful, and happy! I love big eyes!

I am honestly shocked that your sister in law would behave that way. Especially with all of her "education" you would think she would have at the VERY least kept her big mouth shut. I am so angry at her.

I am also mad at your brother...but, I will assume he is a callous oaf. _*mutters, I hope your brother has an ugly kid*_

I seriously think I would avoid letting them have much contact with your daughter. She might not understand now, but this WILL come out when she is older, and her feelings will be hurt.

GEEZ! when I opened your pictures I expected her to look like Bart Simpson. She is adorable, and you need to stick up for her.


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## asdf4321 (Jan 19, 2007)

It sounds like your brother (and his wife) need their eyes examined. Seriously. They are either blind or halucinating. Your DD eyes are completely porportional and *beautiful*







(I really love that big gummy smile!)

I agree with all the posters who say 'nip this in the bud'. Nicknames have a way of sticking (like weeds). However, judging by the severe lack of maturity of your brother (and his wife), making a big deal out of this may backfire.

Another point... so she is or wants to be a school teacher. What is her class room policy on 'name-calling'?

Good luck!


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain optimism* 
I don't think I could take seriously the parenting advice of a person who lacked basic maturity and social skills in the way your SIL seems to.

Yeah.. that.

The next time she has advice, say "I should listen to parenting advice from a woman who refers to my child as BUG EYES?"

Then smile sweetly... maybe pat her on the head and walk away.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

I would view it as harmless teasing, my family is like that. But then again, nothing is sacred from humour in our family







from babies to ourselves to the elderly.

Since it bothers you, by all means say something to your brother about it. He probably has no idea that this is upsetting you so much, and I'm sure will stop at once when he realises how seriously you take it.

ETA: In our house, the Uncle Lumphead thing would definitely be the way to go...


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Ask your Brother how would he feel if someone made a comment about his "manhood".


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

I would tell them that if they continue to make fun of your baby (and saying I was joking is no excuse IMO because thats what everyone says when they are confronted) AND if she continues to critique your parenting you wont be around them any more. Thats it.


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## guestmama9908 (Jan 23, 2007)

ETA: Thank you all so much for the nice comments about my sweet baby girl!

It is sooo hard for me to stand up for myself around them. I came from a VERY chauvenistic upbringing. I was always made to feel that I was somehow a second class citizen because I am female. I left home at 17 for college. My parent's divorced shortly thereafter. My mother is finally living her own life....except my father has kept her in an ebattled custody dispute over my little sister for the past three years.

I am very petite at 4'11" and I have always been somewhat akward and clumsy







. (Funny that I ended up marrying the football star from my high school







) I was ALWAYS the brunt of my brothers jokes and teasing. He once lit a cigarette lighter up my nose while I was driving at 16 causing me to have an accident. I was the one who LOST my car for 6 months and was grounded. When we moved to a new town my brother told all of the other kids that I was a UA violation before I had moved up with my mom, he and my dad had gone early. Because of the damage he did I ate lunch by myself for my last two years of high school.

In the last few years I have really gained a voice and I stand up for myself. Well, with everyone but my Dad and Brother who run all over me. That is why I find this situation so hard to deal with.







:


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
ETA: Thank you all so much for the nice comments about my sweet baby girl!

It is sooo hard for me to stand up for myself around them. I came from a VERY chauvenistic upbringing. I was always made to feel that I was somehow a second class citizen because I am female. I left home at 17 for college. My parent's divorced shortly thereafter. My mother is finally living her own life....except my father has kept her in an ebattled custody dispute over my little sister for the past three years.

I am very petite at 4'11" and I have always been somewhat akward and clumsy







. (Funny that I ended up marrying the football star from my high school







) I was ALWAYS the brunt of my brothers jokes and teasing. He once lit a cigarette lighter up my nose while I was driving at 16 causing me to have an accident. I was the one who LOST my car for 6 months and was grounded. When we moved to a new town my brother told all of the other kids that I was a UA violation before I had moved up with my mom, he and my dad had gone early. Because of the damage he did I ate lunch by myself for my last two years of high school.

In the last few years I have really gained a voice and I stand up for myself. Well, with everyone but my Dad and Brother who run all over me. That is why I find this situation so hard to deal with.







:

I'm sorry I made light of the situation - it does not sound like your brother is the good-natured teasing sort, with his history of hurtful behaviour. MommyToTwo has the right suggestion.


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## TabbyK (Jan 14, 2007)

Wow, they sound ignorant. My first reaction would be to say, in a slightly condescending way "I know that you think that you're being funny, but really, making fun of a baby is just insulting to the baby and makes yourself look bad". I'm sorry they're being this way. I've seen some beautiful babies with large (ok, slightly "buggy") eyes before and your DD doesn't even come close to earning that title - not that it would matter if she did!

K.


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## Kundalini-Mama (Jul 15, 2002)

I was totally expecting something different when I opened the pictures. I will be totally honest here: your daughter is beautiful and she does not have bug eyes at all. Honestly, I'm curious why they even think that?

If you have a hard time being direct, and I have used this w/MIL as hubby wanted to "keep the peace" (whatever), was to talk to the baby within earshot. Totally passive agressive, I know. But, you can say something like, "oh honey, I'm sorry they are teasing you, they don't know how hurtful and mean they are being" and leave it at that. Message gets across real quick.


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## devster4fun (Jan 28, 2007)

Mama...given your history, my answer would be different







than my first post!

Clearly, humor would not work with these family members...their antics in the past are NOT funny and unacceptable.

GOOD FOR YOU to grow up and change that cycle. To be a better parent and realize how belittling someone (even innocently) can be very hurtful. My Dad did some of that. I now know he was insecure himself. Which is probably the case for most folks who tease or mock others.

My DH had a horrific high school experience, due to his really bad acne and shyness. He's the sweetest, most giving human I've ever met and he was brutalized by bullies in school. So, we're sensitive to the teasing issue and would not tolerate it by anyone in our family.

You go. You stand up as best you can. You're doing great!

I looked at your pictures again...and I'm a really honest person...I have no idea what they're talking about. Seriously, she's beautiful. (Perfect smile, baby rolls and cheeks, pretty blond? hair)

IMO...they're jealous!!


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## ErinBird (Dec 5, 2005)

First- her eyes are definately not bigger then my baby's eyes!

http://www.uofr.net/~erin/photos/Jan...scarymommy.jpg

We get comments all day long about the "big blue eyes".

Your brother was beyond rude. Maybe he thought it was funny or cute, but I personally hate when adults speak to children as if they have no idea what is being said. I always make a point to not say anything mean or nasty to my daughter, even if it is in the "cute baby" voice. Its not right and my child does understand on some level.

I correct people when they are being mean. Or I turn their words into a compliment. If they persist, I'd firmly tell them to stop saying that.


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## devster4fun (Jan 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ErinBird* 
I always make a point to not say anything mean or nasty to my daughter, even if it is in the "cute baby" voice. Its not right and my child does understand on some level.
.


I agree. My Mom actually takes this to the next level. She taught me not to say mean things to animals (like the cat or dog). Again, there is an understanding of tone and inflection, if not the actual words. It is actually SCARY what my 10 month DD is understanding already.


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## mamallama (Nov 22, 2001)

Your baby is beautiful. Her eyes are beautiful...and totally normal.

It sounds like your brother has always known how to push your buttons. I'm sorry--that sucks.

You've gotten some great advice. I can't improve on it. I know what I would say, but I'm not known for decorum or finesse


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## guestmama9908 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ErinBird* 
First- her eyes are definately not bigger then my baby's eyes!

http://www.uofr.net/~erin/photos/Jan...scarymommy.jpg

We get comments all day long about the "big blue eyes".










: Your baby is beautiful, and so are her eyes. A great picture!


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

Your baby is beautiful and your brother and his wife are being terrible. I also think you should say something along the lines of "no name-calling and my dd is beautiful."
My own mother isn't always very nice to me and my dd and I both just got our waist length hair cut into bobs. Before we visited my mom, I made sure to tell her dd's hair looks cute and only say nice things. She did. But she looked at me and said, "You know I like your hair long so I have nothing to say." At one point I said, "My hair is really cute. I like it. " It made her stop.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

You've gotten a lot of good replies about your bro...if your SIL is being obnoxious, I'd just yawn and say "Oh, is that what they're teaching in school these days?"

Because speaking as one of them formerly obnoxious ECE degree holding people...sorry, but book learning does not parenting-expert make. Even if you never say anything to her and just smile and nod and say 'that's nice'...please know that when she finally has kids, she'll probably come to regret everything she opened her mouth about.







She might not ADMIT it, but...

If she's big on nicknames, you could start calling her 'professor'. Or 'Spock'. No offense to the actual professors here. She might even LIKE the nickname, which is cool, but it's to remind you that all parents ignore most parenting experts anyway, so feel free to do the same with her. You could bug her to let you have an autographed copy of the parenting manual she's going to write someday. ;>


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

I would view it as harmless teasing, my family is like that. But then again, nothing is sacred from humour in our family from babies to ourselves to the elderly.
When I was in college, I went with my friend who had a secret nose job because her family thought this kind of teasing was fun too. Her nose was perfectly normal, now it's on the small side, and her family still thinks it's hilarious to call her Nose. It amazes me she's still not told them she had it changed years ago...and also that they've not noticed. She grew up with this huge "I'm ugly because of my nose" complex because her family thought harmless teasing was more important that her self image. Children believe what you tell them about themselves.

OP, your daughter is beautiful and has perfectly normal baby sized eyes. Every time your brother and SIL start that, say something like, "Rude much?" and take her back. It is just rude and they have no reason or right to amuse themselves at the expense of your daughter's self image and you have every responsiblity to put a stop to it. As someone who grew up with the idea that she was "fat" (and looking at pics, trust me, I was a normal skinny lanky kid), I would absolutly throw down over this if I had to.


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## Mary-Beth (Nov 20, 2001)

Are you kidding me??? She is just so adorable.
Your brother and SIL aren't being sensitive, thoughtful, or caring.
I'm sure they think it's "cute" and consider it like a "pet name" they call her...but I would speak up now and tell them you don't like it and they may not talk to her like that. You don't want her growing ot have a complex about her eyes for goodness sake.

I'm sorry. If they don't totally stop this and wise up I wouldn't get together with them at all. But tell them directly first how you feel.


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## savvybabygrace (Feb 15, 2007)

Your DD's eyes are absolutely beautiful, as is the rest of her. I happen to LOVE big eyes, as my Emma's baby blues are big and lovely.







Honestly, I think there may be something wrong with your bro & SIL's eyesight because your sweetie's eyes are perfect. I agree with everyone above who said that you should put an end to this bad behavior of theirs - immediately. It's just really immature and in bad taste.

Let us know how it goes after you address this issue with them!


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## sparkprincess (Sep 10, 2004)

I was honestly prepared to see pics of a baby with big eyes (and there's nothing wrong with that - big eyes are pretty too) but your daughter doesn't have big eyes at all!! She looks completely "normal" to me!! IMHO that makes your brother's teasing weird as well as rude!! LOL Your daughter is beautiful!!


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Your baby is beautiful!!!!
They are being UA violations.
You have gotten great advice here, some real zingers. Go for it!

I actually have kind of the same issue, but I don't want to derail so I'll start another thread.


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## Mama2Bug (Feb 18, 2005)

Your brother and his wife are being jerks.

Given your past history, I can see why you would be uncomfortable saying anything to your brother about it. Here's an idea:

The very next time one (or both) does it, have your husband look them firmly in the eye and say "Stop making fun of my daughter." Rinse, repeat.

I bet it won't take more than twice.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

OP, I want to give you a huge hug, after your update. How absolutely awful for you to have to have lived like that - and HUGE kudos for getting out of the situation and moving forward. Now, it's time to save your daughter from the same thing.

I wholeheartedly agree with the poster who said to next time say to them, "Stop making fun of my daughter." and just keep repeating that. If they say, "Oh, come on, it's funny!", "We didn't mean anything by it!", "Well, LOOK at her!", "Don't be so sensitive", etc. whatever lame comments to deflect from them and put it back on you being oversensitive (which you are NOT being), just restate, "Stop making fun of my daughter." I would not engage them in a discussion of this. Even say, "This isn't up for discussion." But do not debate to them whether their intentions are good or not, whether you're beign oversensitive or not, it doesn't matter, and it's pointless because they will never agree with you - so just lay it out that it's unacceptable, and you won't stand for it - no debate.

I wish you good luck, and please let us know how it goes next time you see them!


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Unbelievable!!!! I am sorry your family thinks it is ok to be the way the are.

Firstly, it seems like I read/heard somewhere that your eyes don't grow - the actual eyeball is the size it will be. So less white shows when you are little, making babies' eyes appear larger. Is that actually fact, or did I not get enough sleep last night?









Secondly, I viewed the pix of your dd. Your brother is clearly high. She doesn't have bug/too big eyes at all. _Even if she did_, it is just sad to think it is funny to make fun of anyone, especially a BABY for crying out loud!

I know a woman whose son had huge ears when he was born. Honestly, you would absolutely notice; they were very distinct. However, I have some basic manners and went with comments on other things, not mentioning his ears. He is now in high school, and has grown into his ears. It is called tact, kindness, basic decency - your brother should get some! (Maybe he went to school with my MIL?)

And I also clicked on the link of you and your kids in your sig. You are all three gorgeous - I can see how the star of the football team went for you. I think he did very well for himself.

Stand up for yourself, and your kids. If your brother can't be kind, then I wouldn't see him. There has to be a certain level of respect in order to have a real relationship with him. Maybe sit down with him sometime (just the two of you in private) and tell him directly how you feel. I want to have a relationship with you, and this is what I need in order to do that. Good-natured teasing is ok (you clearly have different ideas of that so it would have to be spelled out) but unkind remarks, especially about physical characteristics or name calling, isn't acceptable.


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## TabbyK (Jan 14, 2007)

Ok, not to get off topic, but I have to ask. I've seen the term "UA Violations" a few times - anyone care to clue me in? Thanks!

K.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TabbyK* 
Ok, not to get off topic, but I have to ask. I've seen the term "UA Violations" a few times - anyone care to clue me in? Thanks!

K.

User Agreement violations, I think the one she was referring to was #1:

Quote:

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Oh, the whole list can be found under 'rules'


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## LandonsMom (Jul 22, 2005)

She's beautiful!! Not at all bug-eyed. Your bro and SIL are being rude in my opinion!


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

Some babies (until they are around 1 year or 18 months) have these eyes that look very "surprised" all of the time. There is actually a medical term for it, (not sure right now what it is) but it is something that goes away as the baby gets older. My best friend's kids (all 3!) had this big-eyed-super-surprised-baby look to them--and I thought it was adorable and so did she. Now that they are all oder they no longer have it--but they have beautiful eyes--so big and expressive. She always says she misses the old "Mr. Super-surprised" look so much now! So this is not something that your daughter will grow up with and be teased about--this is something that will go away on it's own, and you will probably miss it too!


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## WNB (Apr 29, 2006)

Your daughter is just beautiful







I don't see anything even remotely "bug-eyed" about her, to the point I'm almost literally scratching my head wondering where your brother and SIL are coming from. (Let alone the bizarre-ness of saying hurtful things about a baby's appearance while sharing a meal with said baby's parents.)

eta: on reading your update, it seems like your brother has a history of emotional cruelty, or at best, "not nice"-ness - so the comment seems less bizarre in that light. (Not that it's even remotely appropriate or true, just that it fits with the history of meanness you described.) Good for you for extricating yourself from such a difficult environment to grow up in. You will probably have to be continually on your guard to protect your daughter from mean comments (and hopefully nothing worse) from them. Do you have a friend you could, perhaps, roleplay with to work out responses to situations like this? It might help you to have "practiced" rather than being taken aback by their nastiness.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

You're SURE they aren't saying "big eyes?" Yeah, I guess you're sure.







Your dd is beautiful, she looks alert & bright. I would tell your brother to knock it off, or just not be around him. I am sorry they are making you feel bad- your daughter is 100% beautiful, & I love her name!


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## Aliviasmom (Jul 24, 2006)

She's ADORABLE! And her eyes don't stick out AT ALL! How immature and rude of them!


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## Summerland (Aug 9, 2005)

no time for a long comment, but i want to say that she is gorgeous!!


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## joandsarah77 (Jul 5, 2005)

Well if I was married to a nice big hunk of football player and had a weasil for a brother, I know what I would do.......







no not beat him up, but get him to have a firm word in your brothers ear about knocking it off or he would be answering to him.

Your baby is lovely and normal, and your brother and sil are just acting like jerks.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *joandsarah77* 
Well if I was married to a nice big hunk of football player and had a weasil for a brother, I know what I would do.......

















I love it.


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## Shaki (Mar 15, 2006)

[QUOTE
I am angry and hurt and I have no idea what to do or say. I don't want Ella to grow up with a complex about her eyes and I don't want my DS to hear these comments being made for fear he will start repeating them. I don't know how anyone could say such things about a beautiful baby anyway.[/QUOTE]

you could also simply say that!
hugs to you.

eta: oops didn't realize this thread was 3 pages long...nak...sorry for the out of date response


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

She is beautiful! I expected to totally see huge eyes when I opened the pictures, but they look completely normal to me.

I think you should definitely nip it in the bud. If you aren't comfortable saying something to them directly, maybe you could send an email. And I think its ok to admit that you are hesitant about saying something and that you know they aren't being mean spirited.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
I honestly don't think they mean to be malicious. It just comes out in a way that flies all over me. I mean neither one of them has ever even said she is pretty they just go on and on about her "HUGE bug eyes"


Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
I was ALWAYS the brunt of my brothers jokes and teasing. He once lit a cigarette lighter up my nose while I was driving at 16 causing me to have an accident. I was the one who LOST my car for 6 months and was grounded. When we moved to a new town my brother told all of the other kids that I was a UA violation before I had moved up with my mom, he and my dad had gone early. Because of the damage he did I ate lunch by myself for my last two years of high school.

Okay. Now you give a more complete picture.

You have no reason whatsoever to think that your brother is not being malicious. He has treated you malciously and abusively in the past. For goodness sake, he assaulted you with a cigarette lighter! You have NO STAKE in maintaining a relationship with him at all. If he offends you, tell him so on no uncertain terms and kick him out of your house. He's intentionally hurting your feelings.

Don't feel bad if it causes a rift. I predict that he'll fall into line, finally, when you stand up to him. His behavior is that of a stinking bully. (Please note that I did not call him a stinking bully, because perhaps he washes frequently, and that would be a violation of the user agreement.)


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## lesley&grace (Jun 7, 2005)

ITA with Captain Optimism here.

But, when I read your OP, I thought "wow, her brother and his wife are being total a$$hats" And I was especially shocked at his wife since she is an ECE...I am an ECE as well and NO WHERE in my education did I learn about what fun it is to be horrible to babies.

Then I read your post regarding his past behaviour to you.

Here is what I would do in your shoes:

The next time you see him and he uses this name for your baby or says anything rude about your children...pack up and leave. If they are at your home, kick them out. Explain to them that you may have put up with his horrible behaviour while growing up, but that you are a mother now and will not tolerate any abuses to your children. Tell them both that when they are ready to apologize for how they have been treating your beautiful baby then you will consider being around him and his wife again. Then go (or kick out). I am willing to bet that your DH will back you up and help you round up the kiddies.

I should also add that in your shoes, very colourful and descriptive terms for your brother would also be spewing from my mouth...but you're probably a lot nicer than I am









And you daughter is gorgeous, her eyes look exactly how they ought to. Frankly, even if they did stick out, which they do not, your brother and his wife should be ashamed of themselves.

Cripes...I'm so angry for you....want me to tell them????


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

Sometimes people just have no idea that a baby has feelings and is not an object. Coming right out of the military, it is possible that your brother has recently been around a lot of very harsh things, and I know that with my military family members, harsh-sounding joking is considered very normal and even bonding, in certain situations. The problem comes when they don't realize it is an inappropriate situation.

The key is not to take it too personally -- people do almost everything they do because it has helped them form bonds with others. When your SIL is telling you all about parenting, she probably really thinks she is bonding with you -- talking about something you share (she by education, you by experience). Same with your brother -- he is trying to bond w/the baby by noticing her and commenting, and then your SIL chimes in as a way to be part of the action.

Recognizing these positive impulses can help you redirect them. "I know you love to talk about parenting with me. Would you like to know why I do things this way?" Or "I can tell you love Ella by how you laugh with her and respond to her. Knock off that Bug-Eyes thing, but I'm so glad you're here to play with her and get to know her!"

Those sound kind of stilted, but I think you get the idea.


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## Individuation (Jul 24, 2006)

Make them stop.

I got called "Bug Eyes." I have really big eyes. As a teen and young adult, they've been my best feature, and when I was younger I did some modeling, largely because of "the eyes." (Here's a picture.)

But when I was a kid I HATED my eyes, and was terribly insecure about my "bug eyes." I shudder to remember.

Tell them to cut it out. Now you can tell them you have a friend who was scarred for life by the term "bug eyes."


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## offwing (Aug 17, 2006)

Sorry, wrong place


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## terrordactyl (Jul 19, 2006)

she looks like a baby. you're eyes are the only part of your face that does not keep growing all through the years the eyes you are born with are the size they will be forever. you SIL and and brother are being immature and you need to tell them that. since your baby cannot


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

you've gotten fantastic advice already, so I have nothing to add but this.

Oh, what an adorable BABY you have! She is wonderful! What a gorgeous smile she has! I got all melty - gooey when I saw those pictures!!

Your brother has reverted to 12 years old in behavior - and should be treated as such. I am so sorry you are going through this!

Siobhan


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## laralou (Nov 27, 2001)

Seriously, I think your dd is a beautiful baby, but she does not have weird eyes at all. Though weird eyes can be beautiful, her eyes look perfectly normal. Looking at her makes me want another baby, that's how pretty she is.

You have gotten great advice.


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## Rosedotcom (Apr 22, 2003)

Ella's a cutie!


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## forthebest (Jun 19, 2006)

Yeah Ella is gorgeous and she doesn't even have big eyes that I can see and even if she did so what? I would say something along the lines of I find this offensive, please stop doing it! Some people just don't have any tact. Also I would inform your sil that you do not need/want her parenting 'advice', she sounds like she doesn't have a clue anyway and anyone with a scrap of integrity would not resort to this kind of behaviour, I mean you don't learn parenting out of a book. I, for one, would never dream of treating people like that.


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## guestmama9908 (Jan 23, 2007)

Thank you all for all the compliments on my little Ella. You are all so sweet!







: Thank you also for all of your wonderful advice!

We had another family function yesterday. The whole bug eyes situation started again as soon as we got there. I stepped in and made it clear in a very firm but nice way that I didn't want people making comments about her eyes. My brother stated "Oh I'm just kidding around with her." I explained to him that I didn't want her to grow up thinking there was anything abnormal about her eyes and that I didn't want Calen to repeat any comments he might overhear. My SIL got all huffy at that point and told me that I couldn't expect to shield my kids from the world and they had better get used to being picked on. I chose not to argue and simply explained again that we would not tolerate any further comments along those lines.

Then my Dad stepped in and told me I was taking it "too personally".

At that point the whole thing was dropped. About an hour later they started a whole huge argument about why my DS still has his binky and that I needed to get rid of it. My DS is immunocompromised due to a massive skeletal infection he had last year. He was hospitalized for 3 months and had to have 6 surgeries and he will continue to need treatment lifelong. He self-weaned while we were in the hospital







and he became VERY attached to his binky. Right now it is his comfort during painful procedures etc. I told everyone to drop it. Then they started telling Calen his binky was "yucky" and saying "Ewwww you have a yucky binky in your mouth."







: I don't like the thing anymore than anybody else but the poor babe needs some way to comfort himself right now and if the binky does so be it in my opinion.

We packed up and left. They make me







: I think for now we are just going to distance ourselves as much as possible while still being friendly.


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## De-lovely (Jan 8, 2005)

FIRST of all-Ella is beautiful and I dont see anything out of proportion about her eyes at all.....that being said I agree with PP that says its not even about whether her eyes are larger or not its about awful mean-spirited teasing that is totally uncalled for in life in general much much less a child...I would certainly just plain and simple speak up and say "Hey guys I dont like that you call my dd names and I would appreciate it if you would stop before DS picks up the ugly habit....." Just like that-done deal. I am sorry you have to deal with this at all!

Wow-I just read your last post and I think distance is best. Seems like some pretty hurtful ways of communicating with a child.

What could be more personal than your child? I guess I would take it too personally as well......


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## laralou (Nov 27, 2001)

I agree, just distance yourself. If you can't raise your children without brother and sil making negative comments despite you asking them to stop, you just can't be around them. I don't agree with everything my brother and sil do, but I keep my opinions to myself unless I am asked.

If you do have to spend time with them, make it clear to your parents that if they start up you will leave. It shouldn't matter if you are being "too sensitive" or not. If brother keeps on when you are being hurt (nevermind if your children can understand his insults), that makes him a jerk. Anyone should be able to see that.


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## JanB (Mar 4, 2004)

Good for you, mama, for not tolerating other people's criticism and rude remarks toward your children. I am sure that couldn't have been an easy or fun situation for you, but it sounds like you handled it with finesse and courage. I wouldn't be around these people either, frankly. You gave them a perfectly clear explanation of why you didn't appreciate their comments, they gave you a hard time about it, and then they immediately seized on something else to criticize your children for. They are toxic, and I can't blame you for wanting some distance.


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

Your DD is gorgeous!

And distancing yourself sounds like a great idea, not just for your kids but for YOU. You're all grown up now and how you parent is your responsibility and your right.









If anyone notices the distance and comments about it, just tell them that you don't feel respected and until you are, you're happy apart. They'll come around if they ever want relationships with you.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

My sister in law, after my son was born, would call him a "Little dork." I was living with my husband in his parents house, WITH the SIL in question... and still I said, "My son is not a *dork*. Don't call him names like that." And walked away.









She was stunned but she didn't do it again.

I would have no compunctions about letting my IL know if they were using names that I found offensive... none at all. I adore my IL, too.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
My SIL got all huffy at that point and told me that I couldn't expect to shield my kids from the world and they had better get used to being picked on.

We packed up and left. They make me







: I think for now we are just going to distance ourselves as much as possible while still being friendly.

I have heard this "theory" before that you shouldn't try and shield your kids before as an excuse to be hurtful and I just don't get it. IMO, the reason that kids can handle being picked on by others is *because* they have unwavering support and love at home. If the child knows that he/she is beautiful because mom, dad, aunt, uncle, etc. all tell him/her then one person saying a hurtful thing will have much less of an impact (the hurtful person is not confirming what the child already believes). Your brother and SIL sound mean.

Ella is absolutely gorgeous BTW. Perfect in every way.









Oh, and good for you about distancing yourself from your brother and SIL. I wouldn't want that kind of negativity around my child either.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

I think you did the right thing - they are YOUR children, and you have every right to shield them from comments and people like that. I totally think packing up and leaving early is the only way to deal with it. They don't have to be silent, but they can at the very least be civil and not rude.

Honestly, the SIL seems worse than your brother - I would probably have to ask her point blank "What is your problem with me?" because obviously she is just trying to get a rise out of you - to make you angry. Is she jealous you have kids and she doesn't? Have you two had problems before this?


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## guestmama9908 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *_betsy_* 
Honestly, the SIL seems worse than your brother - I would probably have to ask her point blank "What is your problem with me?" because obviously she is just trying to get a rise out of you - to make you angry. Is she jealous you have kids and she doesn't? Have you two had problems before this?

We went to high school together. We have never really had "problems" although we haven't ever really been friendly with one another. I have always been pretty outwardly "crunchy" in my choices even though I would never impose my beliefs or choices on others.

She thinks CLW is akin to child abuse. The first time she saw Calen eating food off of my plate instead of baby food out of a jar she threw a fit. She thinks that "I am building an unhealthy attachment with my kids and that I am hindering their development."

She is 90 pounds and nearly 6 feet tall and is model gorgeous. I don't think she has any reason to be jealous of me at 4'11" and 110 pounds.







Oh and she has openly stated that the idea of being pregnant and or breastfeeding makes her want to vomit. Sooooo I guess you can get a picture of her feelings in that department.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
My SIL got all huffy at that point and told me that I couldn't expect to shield my kids from the world and they had better get used to being picked on. I chose not to argue and simply explained again that we would not tolerate any further comments along those lines.

Good for you! That's the way to do it!

I think if my SIL had said "she has to get used to being picked on" I would have said, "But not by you, lady, because we aren't going to be exposing her to your toxic crap anymore!" and then there would have been some door slamming.

But I have entirely different issues with my family and a totally different set of temperamental, um, characteristics.


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## JanB (Mar 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
Oh and she has openly stated that the idea of being pregnant and or breastfeeding makes her want to vomit. Sooooo I guess you can get a picture of her feelings in that department.

Uh, wow. If it weren't for the fact that you mentioned that her field is early education, I'd have thought from this plus the way you've described her interactions with your children, that she was one of those Child-Free types that is proud of hating kids.

Yikes. I don't blame you for wanting to get away from her.


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## CYL (Jun 8, 2006)

Wait, so she's a teacher of small children, who thinks that pregnancy is disgusting?

Um, how is she supposed to earn a living without it?

Sounds to me like she has some serious issues with her body, which is quite worrying in a teacher.

I agree with the others who suggest keeping some distance between you. And don't let her be your childrens teacher!


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

"Isn't it nice that she looks so much like her Uncle? Thankfully she's already smarter."


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I'm just so annoyed for you. Who are these people that think they get a vote in how you raise your child? Grrr.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalaland42* 
I have heard this "theory" before that you shouldn't try and shield your kids before as an excuse to be hurtful and I just don't get it. IMO, the reason that kids can handle being picked on by others is *because* they have unwavering support and love at home. If the child knows that he/she is beautiful because mom, dad, aunt, uncle, etc. all tell him/her then one person saying a hurtful thing will have much less of an impact (the hurtful person is not confirming what the child already believes). Your brother and SIL sound mean.

I agree.


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

I'm so glad you were able to remove yourself when your family continued their disrespect of your babies and your parenting choices. I'm sorry that you can't rely on them to support you, but I think the world of you for having followed through on protecting your kiddos!


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## WNB (Apr 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
...
We packed up and left. They make me







: I think for now we are just going to distance ourselves as much as possible while still being friendly.

YOU ROCK!!!

That must have been incredibly difficult to walk out of there, but you should be totally proud of yourself for standing up for your kids and refusing to let them be brought down by, of all people, the ones that are expected to love them unconditionally.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
My SIL got all huffy at that point and told me that I couldn't expect to shield my kids from the world and they had better get used to being picked on.

I take that as an admission from them that they are picking on your baby.


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## Throkmorton (Jun 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
My SIL got all huffy at that point and told me that I couldn't expect to shield my kids from the world and they had better get used to being picked on. I chose not to argue and simply explained again that we would not tolerate any further comments along those lines.

You know how you can always thing of a great comeback after the fact? I had a relative say something along those lines about DS, and I really wish I would have said "I would like to believe that my own family is not spiteful enough to make fun of an innocent infant. It's not funny, and it's not cute. How would you like it if I called you Nosey the Wonder Elf?" (said family member is about 5'2" with a, um, prominent nose)

Ella is beautiful! Both my kids had giant eyes when they were born. DD still has that wonderful, wide eyed expression all the time (she's 10 mos)


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
I honestly don't think they mean to be malicious. It just comes out in a way that flies all over me. I mean neither one of them has ever even said she is pretty they just go on and on about her "HUGE bug eyes"

sounds to me like they are childless (am I right?) -- and don't know what to say, really? This sounds like something careless that people without kids might say partially out of not knowing what to say at all . . .. . and oddly . . . .but maybe out of a misguided attempt to have some kind of connection or something with the baby?? For instance, my grandpa called my little sister "the old biddy" because he thought as a baby she behaved very aloof and haughty (i guess like some snooty old lady? an "ol biddy = old lady, ICYDK







). It was his "thing" with her? Obviously - bug eyes are totally inappropriate and hurtful . . . .but maybe what they are thinking??

Here is another possibility. Long before I had kids - my BIL/SIL did. AND - they were totally NFL and AP - very very much so (birthed the kids in the tee pee they were living in at the time, etc.) Anyway -- I had never seen AP before -- and in my naivety about all things kid and parent -- the whole thing came off VERY STANDOFFISH to me -- babywearing, co-sleeping, attachment -- it was a mom/baby club that no one else is invited to -- and being raised mainstream and not having kids myself -- I felt totally unwelcome and like she DID NOT want me to bond with her kids? I recall now and again she would offer to let me hold the baby - and of course the baby would scream - and I had major hurt feelings, etc. Anyway - I'm a mom now and I get it. But I did NOT get it for along time and totally felt like - OK, this woman wants me to not have a part of my nephews life?? Not saying you do this at all -- but just to show how non-AP and moreso - childless people - can misinterpret things.


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalenandEllasmomma* 
Thank you all for all the compliments on my little Ella. You are all so sweet!







: Thank you also for all of your wonderful advice!

We had another family function yesterday. The whole bug eyes situation started again as soon as we got there. I stepped in and made it clear in a very firm but nice way that I didn't want people making comments about her eyes. My brother stated "Oh I'm just kidding around with her." I explained to him that I didn't want her to grow up thinking there was anything abnormal about her eyes and that I didn't want Calen to repeat any comments he might overhear. My SIL got all huffy at that point and told me that I couldn't expect to shield my kids from the world and they had better get used to being picked on. I chose not to argue and simply explained again that we would not tolerate any further comments along those lines.

Then my Dad stepped in and told me I was taking it "too personally".

At that point the whole thing was dropped. About an hour later they started a whole huge argument about why my DS still has his binky and that I needed to get rid of it. My DS is immunocompromised due to a massive skeletal infection he had last year. He was hospitalized for 3 months and had to have 6 surgeries and he will continue to need treatment lifelong. He self-weaned while we were in the hospital







and he became VERY attached to his binky. Right now it is his comfort during painful procedures etc. I told everyone to drop it. Then they started telling Calen his binky was "yucky" and saying "Ewwww you have a yucky binky in your mouth."







: I don't like the thing anymore than anybody else but the poor babe needs some way to comfort himself right now and if the binky does so be it in my opinion.

We packed up and left. They make me







: I think for now we are just going to distance ourselves as much as possible while still being friendly.









: didn't see this until now. I am soo sorry.


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## alaska (Jun 12, 2004)

Calenandellasmomma, I just wanted to chime in and tell you that I think you were awesome standing up to them and leaving when they refused to honor your wishes. I hope you feel very proud of yourself, because you should! Your kids have a great mom.


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## Hey Mama! (Dec 27, 2003)

Man, you are so much more tolerant then me. If my brother said that I'd tell him to f-off. Good for you for leaving when they started in on your ds! They need to get over themselves.


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## Mary-Beth (Nov 20, 2001)

Just want to say that don't believe the line that "you're being too sensitive."

You are not the only one by a long shot who would take this on-going joke of your child having bug eyes. A comment made by a loving family member -like she's as cute as a bug...that's on thing. But what you described was very likely going to contribute to her having a complex about the shape or size or whatever of her eyes. You weren't over reacting or "too sensitive" as you can see many of us mom's wouldn't have just laughed it off.

Your son and his pacifier use is really none of their business. If they had genuine concerns they could address them with you in a respectful way. Not to him and not like that.
Hoping your son is well and doesn't have to undergo any more medical procedures...









And your SIL, well all I can say is in a way she has a point...indeed you cannot ever shield your children 100% from being teased by others so you are right to give them lots of love, encoragement, and support at home and help them learn to stand up for themselves. You modeled that beautifully!


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## Amris (Feb 27, 2006)

I got intimidated by the sheer number of posts, so I jumped to the end...

who cares if they mean to be malicious or don't? Does that in any way change the end result?

Family members are not given carte blanche to be jackasses. If anything, you should be extra kind to family, not treat them horribly because "I can get away with it."


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

they sound like a peice of work. i wouldn't worry at all what they think of your children (I know it sucks to have people say those things but what I mean is i wouldn't let it worry me that i was doing something wrong or that my children are abnormal). I would ask them right out when they are being mean if they want thier eice and nepghew to grow up hating them because those are the seeds they are planting. They are not going to grow up thinking auntie and uncle are funny and fun to be around. They are going to grow up dreading every visit. why would someone want to set themselves uo to be that person. I have a high tolerance for a little teasing and endearing but stupid nicknames. whatever but they just sound like they are moving from one mean spirited thing to the next. yuck!

and your kids are adorable. Their eyes are perfectly normal and very pretty.


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## Happypants (Oct 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
When I was in college, I went with my friend who had a secret nose job because her family thought this kind of teasing was fun too. Her nose was perfectly normal, now it's on the small side, and her family still thinks it's hilarious to call her Nose. It amazes me she's still not told them she had it changed years ago...and also that they've not noticed. She grew up with this huge "I'm ugly because of my nose" complex because her family thought harmless teasing was more important that her self image. Children believe what you tell them about themselves.









:

this post says it all for me. i was teased because i had a big nose when i was preschool aged. i remember being at a birthday party where the dad was taking pictures of all the kids and i put my hand over my nose and would not remove it because i thought it was so big. i couldn't have been more than four at the time cause i wasn't in school yet. it took me a long time to get over that and the other teasing that i was on the receiving end of. it was never other kids who teased me, but adults in my life. as a result, i was very shy until i went to college.

i think it bears repeating that *children believe what you tell them about themselves.*


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## 2crazykids (Jun 19, 2005)

Protect those babies Mama! Stay away from those yucky people!


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

I think you handled that so well!


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## Mylittlevowels (Feb 16, 2005)

What a load of crap.
I'm seriously having to bite down hard on my tongue to avoid typing all the names I would like to call your "family". I'm truly disgusted. You have a very attractive family, and your dd's eyes are perfectly normal (and beautiful!).
Anybody that would try to tear down an INFANT has serious emotional problems. Avoid these toxic people, you'll be alot happier.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

My sister says, "you can't be too sensitive...only too insensitive"

your baby is beautiful and her eyes are perfectly fine...not that it matters but they don;t even look slightly on the big end.


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## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalaland42* 
I have heard this "theory" before that you shouldn't try and shield your kids before as an excuse to be hurtful and I just don't get it. IMO, the reason that kids can handle being picked on by others is *because* they have unwavering support and love at home. If the child knows that he/she is beautiful because mom, dad, aunt, uncle, etc. all tell him/her then one person saying a hurtful thing will have much less of an impact (the hurtful person is not confirming what the child already believes).









:


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:

I have heard this "theory" before that you shouldn't try and shield your kids before as an excuse to be hurtful and I just don't get it. IMO, the reason that kids can handle being picked on by others is *because* they have unwavering support and love at home. If the child knows that he/she is beautiful because mom, dad, aunt, uncle, etc. all tell him/her then one person saying a hurtful thing will have much less of an impact (the hurtful person is not confirming what the child already believes).
while I don't agree with most of what he says, I do like Dr Phil's approach to this sort of thing- every person needs a "soft place to land" - a place where they feel they belong, they are accepted and appreciated. And if they don't get that from their family, they WILL go looking for it elsewhere and it WILL undermine their ability to cope in the world.

I think it is also vital for you to model how to deal with bullies. Someone who has no consideration for others and blames their victim for being hurt by their actions/words is someone who does not deserve tolerance. I really wish my parents had taught me at an early age to a. recognize abusive behavior (either directed to me or to others) and b. not tolerate it. I really think showing your kids that it is important to stand up to bullies - and that standing up is not scary or impolite or socially devastating - is really really important.

Good luck.


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## Dov'sMom (Jan 24, 2007)

1. Your daughter is beautiful!
2. Big eyes (which I don't think she particularly has) are generally considered a sign of beauty.
3. Your bro and SIL don't have childrne, do they? My sister, who is very nice and very caring and deeply in love with all her nephews and niece, told me when my baby was a week old that he looked like a rotisserie chicken. And repeated it. Again. And giggled at him about how he was like a rotisserie chicken. Now, she was talking about his fetal position, but when I think about rotisserie chickens, I think about spikes going through them, and that really hurt me when she talked about my son like that. I have no doubt she'll never say anythign like that when she has her first child, but until then she'll never get it. I told her why I didn't like, and she said, "Oh, I don't mean that part!" and kept calling him that.

I know it's a bigger issue w/ your children b/c they're old enough to understand/repeat. But just to understand where it's coming from -- it's probably not meant to be hurtful.

In terms of suggestions, I don't know. Could you send an email around saying, "I know you disagree with me and think I'm being over sensitive, but there are a few things I don't want happening around my children. I request that you ____ (call Ella by her name only and never speak disparagingly of any of her physical features, bother Calen about his binky or any other habits you think are too childish, etc.). If you don't think you can do that, please let me know, and I will be sure to keep the children away from you."

Oh, and I didn't say anything about the binky thing, because I have no excuse for why loving relatives who know what he's been through would be so insensitive. Your poor baby! It's more important that he feel good about himself than that he have a relationship with his distant relatives. If what they're saying sinks in, he's not going ot believe that you don't think the same bad things just because you say so-- kids are smart enough to understand that you want them to feel good. NOTHING is worth hurting that little boy.


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## EStraiton (Sep 6, 2005)

Your dd has beautiful very normal looking eyes







and I'm not just saying that!
No advice on how to deal with it - but I hope you believe me when I say she's adorable!!!


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## ScotiaSky (Jul 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
You definitely need to put an end to this. I am feeling sorry for your sweet baby already, and she's not even old enough to understand them yet! How mean-spirited can a grown person be to make fun of a baby like that?!

FWIW, your daughter is absolutely stunning, and I wouldn't even say she has big eyes, much less HUGE ones.









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