# upcoming holidays: how do i ...



## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

How do I explain to my parents that we are rejecting one of their favorite Christmas traditions?

Every year, every member of the family has to go to the Hallmark store and pick out an ornament. The only restriction is that it must have the year on it.

To me, this seems like a very successful marketing ploy that Hallmark came up with. It seems sad to me that my parents, who imagine themselves as being very out-of-the-box and immune to advertising and consumerism, would fall for this. They have been doing this for almost 30 years.

Last year, when they took down their tree, they collected all the ones that I selected over the years and gave them to me in a bag, to "start your own tree." Now the holidays are coming and they expect me to put them up on my tree. I don't want to do that. I don't want to pass this on to my child. I would rather change the tradition so that every year we all MAKE our own ornament with the year on it.

I can just imagine a future where we all live under some form of corporate feudalism, with each individual belonging to a corporation and walking around with their logos printed on our clothes or our body. I already see this to some degree. I just can't stand the Idea of letting Hallmark have a hold on my family like that.

My parents don't take criticism very well. They don't deal well with turning their gaze onto themselves and re-evaluating their ways. I know it is painful or uncomfortable to look at things in yourself and realize you don't like them. So, while I am sure they would understand my reasons and agree that I am right, I would rather spare them, and our relationship, that trauma. Also, having been foolish for such a long time, and with the embarrassment that comes with it, I think it is likely that they will go into some sort of denial, and then lash out at us. Probably something about us being too extreme and idealistic and that we should let up a bit. That we are going to turn our son into some kind of obsessive and neurotic wreck. I don't want this kind of argument between us. Once it happens it can't be taken back and will affect our relationship forever.

How can I word it to avoid the mess.


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## thebarkingbird (Dec 2, 2005)

tell them you think they belong on their tree. it's their traditions. certainly you learned to love tradition growing up in their house. tell them that and that you've started your own deal of making ornimants. i wouldn't go into all your thoughts on consumerism unless you feel the need to explain it all. just telling them you had nice childhood memories and want to do something similar but different w/ your own kids.


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## a-sorta-fairytale (Mar 29, 2005)

I dont think you need to be harsh or critical at all.
How about
"our fam is trying a new tradition. Since DC loves crafts so much we are going to spend a night drinking cider, singing xmas carols and making new ornaments." Just tell them whatever it is you plan on doing to make it a fun tradition. It doesnt have to have anything to do with not liking their tradition just a spin off of it to make it yours.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

They will say I can do both. My mother's tree is full of homemade ornaments at the same time as Hallmark ones. My parents will love the idea of making ornaments, but not as a replacement for another tradition -- as an addition.


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## abomgardner417 (Jun 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thebarkingbird* 
certainly you learned to love tradition growing up in their house. tell them that and that you've started your own deal of making ornimants. i wouldn't go into all your thoughts on consumerism unless you feel the need to explain it all. just telling them you had nice childhood memories and want to do something similar but different w/ your own kids.

yeah that. are you opposed to maybe displaying them somewhere besides the tree - maybe just for this year and then packing them away after that?


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## delphiniumpansy (Mar 1, 2007)

This is about consumerism as well as your family tradition and showing respect for your family. I would find a middle ground. It will hurt our family to not display them; it is against your morals to use them. How about putting a few up? Or putting them on one small tree? Your family has been doing this for 30 years and it would be really nice to continue it. Put up a few each year and then make your own from now on.


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## lesley&grace (Jun 7, 2005)

I think you're going to have to sit them down and explain how you feel. Explain to them that it's not a critcism of them, just not what you want for your home's christmas tree, and that you want to start the new tradition of making ornaments and invite them to join you in that.

The fact is no matter how you present the "no I don't want this" it's probably going to hurt them if it's a tradition that is important to them.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

I have already given a heads-up to DH that we are going to have to think about and discuss how we are going to do the holiday thing. We both have different cultural traditions. We will probably end up picking what seems appropriate from each. Our religious and ideological views are very different from those of our parents.

I don't want to make too big of a deal over presents. My parents always showered us with presents. (Sure we liked it at the time, but looking back what meant the most was the shared activities, and that is what I missed when I moved out and wasn't there first thing Christmas morning.) Since we now have the only grandchild on both sides, I think we can expect them to go overboard with the gifts. I figure this is only natural and we should let them, but compensate by not buying him anything.

He won't know the difference now, since he will be only less than 5 months old when Christmas comes, but we need to figure out our game plan and give it a dress rehearsal now. If we aren't prepared, and on the same page, we could find our holiday seasons filled with conflict, culture clashes, and hurt feelings.

--------

My mother handmade beautiful stockings for each of us. When I moved out I asked her to keep hanging it and I would look in it when I got there. (It would just feel so out of place alone.) She always put in a new toothbrush, clementines, and peanuts. I would like to do it where each family member hangs their actual sock. Then we can take a pic of them all in a row, and later on look back at the growth and change in our family (ie. children's socks getting bigger, and new children being born).


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Yeah, maybe I can put them in a row on a shelf and use it as a teaching tool -- explaining to the kids about why we disagree with it now, and that we didn't know any better then. My parents don't have to know about that conversation. They will just see them displayed.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

Hmm...how about something like, the ornaments at Hallmark are cute, but so limited and repetitive...what if we all just chose ANY nice ornament as long as the year is on it? They can be hand-made (which are even more special if the kids make them) or loval to your area or something like that..

oh maybe I am misunderstanding..is it that you dont want Hallmark ornaments or you dont want to do mass produced gifts at all?


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

Sounds to me like your parents may really cherish the memories of your family making the special trip each year to buy the ornaments. And, clearly, it's something they think about if they can sort out which ones *you* picked over the years.

It also sounds to me like your opposition to the tradition is the idea of going to *Hallmark*. Would you hate the tradition so much if, instead, every year your family had gone down to the craft fair and picked out handmade ornaments?

My gut says no, then it would be a tradition you cherished as well.

Sooooo... can you meet them halfway? Maybe find a NEW destination as a source for the ornaments? Or, still go to Hallmark together to all pick out ornaments, but continue to put the ornaments on your parents' tree?


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommytoTwo* 
Hmm...how about something like, the ornaments at Hallmark are cute, but so limited and repetitive...what if we all just chose ANY nice ornament as long as the year is on it? They can be hand-made (which are even more special if the kids make them) or loval to your area or something like that..

oh maybe I am misunderstanding..is it that you dont want Hallmark ornaments or you dont want to do mass produced gifts at all?

I would prefer not to go to the store with the purpose of buying ornaments, but I am not morally opposed to it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chinaKat* 
Sounds to me like your parents may really cherish the memories of your family making the special trip each year to buy the ornaments. And, clearly, it's something they think about if they can sort out which ones *you* picked over the years.

It also sounds to me like your opposition to the tradition is the idea of going to *Hallmark*. Would you hate the tradition so much if, instead, every year your family had gone down to the craft fair and picked out handmade ornaments?

My gut says no, then it would be a tradition you cherished as well.

Sooooo... can you meet them halfway? Maybe find a NEW destination as a source for the ornaments? Or, still go to Hallmark together to all pick out ornaments, but continue to put the ornaments on your parents' tree?

I haven't gone with them since I moved out years ago. I think they expected me to go myself.

No, the tradition wasn't about taking the trip together. We wouldn't always go at the same time if we were busy. It was about the HAVING of an ornament from each year.

And actually, they didn't know which ones were mine and which were my sister's. We had to sit down and try to figure it out based on how old we were at each point in time.

My father in particular really likes to amass physical possessions. So much so, that for 20 years he has rented the basement of an apartment building to keep some of it in. Their home feels very cluttered to me, and it always made me feel stressed when I lived there. When he retired about 6 or 7 years ago, his plan was to spend the time selling the stuff on ebay. He makes every excuse why he can't start that yet, I think he doesn't want to have less stuff. It makes him feel secure.

He won't let me have much stuff from my childhood because he is afraid I will throw things away. I probably would dump a lot of it. I don't need every scantron test paper from school.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

If it is just about having a new ornament each year, then you can easily make an ornament with the year on it somehow. My family does the new ornament each year thing, but we just put the name of the person and year on the back or bottom and it can be bought from anywhere and could be made too if someone wanted to do that.

I would just explain that you are starting a tradition for your family of making an ornament every year. Are they going to make a big deal about it? I know my parents enjoy their traditions, but they don't expect me to do them at my house, just to participate at theirs, so maybe I am just not understanding that they would make a big deal about it.


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## Evenstar (Sep 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *a-sorta-fairytale* 
I dont think you need to be harsh or critical at all.
How about
"our fam is trying a new tradition. Since DC loves crafts so much we are going to spend a night drinking cider, singing xmas carols and making new ornaments." Just tell them whatever it is you plan on doing to make it a fun tradition. It doesnt have to have anything to do with not liking their tradition just a spin off of it to make it yours.









:

It doesn't sound to me like a rejection, just a new spin. What a fantastic idea! I agree with pp that iit sounds like your parents really treasure those memories, so there is no need to tarnish them. In other words, if they insist, just say that you're doing it your way and that it's not up for discussion.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

That sounds like a neat family tradition, minus Hallmark.









I agree with the pp's who said you need to put your own spin on it. I think you need to tell your parents that you love that family tradition, and want to continue it for your own family, but with your own spin. You guys can make or buy a handmade ornament. I really think if you stress the point of how much you like the tradition, but want to make it unique for your own family, something that fits your style better .. I don't see how they could get upset.









BTW, we have a family tradition of getting a new ornament each year, sometimes we make them sometimes we buy them. But it's a tradition I just love. My son is almost 5 and loves to look at the tree and have me tell stories about where each of the ornaments came from. It's a very cool tradition, IMO.


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## SiValleySteph (Feb 26, 2003)

Interesting, we have a very similar family tradition. Every Christmas my Grandma gives each of the grandkids (13 of us) an ornament from a Hallmark collectible series. Once your series is up, she starts with a new series the next year. One lucky cousin got the whole rocking horse series that is now worth $$$ for some reason.









I actually like having all my ornaments from the last 24 years or so (she didn't start until I was 5 or 6) on my tree. One per year still leaves plenty of room for whatever else we want to hang up.

I don't have to pick out the ornament, though, it's just a gift, so maybe that makes a difference?

This will be my son's 4th Christmas and I'm getting him an ornament every year. From Hallmark right now.







: I guess I liked the tradition.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

I am not sure I understand. Do your parents care that Hallmark made the ornament? If not would you feel comfortable with finding an ornament made by an artisan/craftsman? I know that these exist at many local arts and crafts fairs. They look "professional" so maybe that would meet your parents needs?

You can even find them online, like this cute one http://www.calliopedesigns.com/pengu...ment-1660.html

You could get an ornament with the year on it, and be supporting individual artists and not some big corporate giant.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
I am not sure I understand. Do your parents care that Hallmark made the ornament? If not would you feel comfortable with finding an ornament made by an artisan/craftsman? I know that these exist at many local arts and crafts fairs. They look "professional" so maybe that would meet your parents needs?

You can even find them online, like this cute one http://www.calliopedesigns.com/pengu...ment-1660.html

You could get an ornament with the year on it, and be supporting individual artists and not some big corporate giant.

Yes, it has to be Hallmark.

I am sure they would be fine with me starting a new tradition, but wouldn't understand not wanting to continue the old one too. And wouldn't understand not wanting to hang all 27 previous ones on the tree.

If I don't display them somewhere, they are sure to ask about it. Then it will all come out that I think they are pathetic for falling for such an obvious marketing ploy. Then they will be upset at me for being idealistic and for calling attention to the fact that they fell for it, which they would rather not realize.

So, I guess I will have to put them up on a shelf or something. Just let it mean something different to my family. Let it demonstrate the insidiousness of marketing and be a warning to look out.


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## jamsmama (Jul 16, 2005)

The way I see it is that Hallmark isn't going anywhere no matter if you buy from them or not. At least not in the next 20-30 years or so that your parents have left to enjoy this time with their grandchildren. If it's the only corporate purchase that you make in one year I would just do it and make those memories real and special for them. When your kids get older (teenagers), you can tell them that it's strictly for memories and not because you believe in supporting the corporate giants.....or something to that effect.


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## offwing (Aug 17, 2006)

Purchase a small artificial table tree. But all 27 Hallmark ornaments on it and call it the Childhood Memory Tree. When Mom and Dad come over, move it out into the open. When they leave, tuck it in the corner.

They love you, they think of you and they tried to do something special for you every year for 27 years. You can keep your new adult principles and start a new tradition without completely erasing the old one.

You undoubtedly are teaching and showing the kids what you know to be right every day. A set of Hallmark ornaments seen once a year is not going to undermine the example and principles you teach your kids the rest of the year. The ornaments don't have Giant Killer Commercialism Cooties!


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *offwing* 
Purchase a small artificial table tree. But all 27 Hallmark ornaments on it and call it the Childhood Memory Tree. When Mom and Dad come over, move it out into the open. When they leave, tuck it in the corner.

snip

You undoubtedly are teaching and showing the kids what you know to be right every day. A set of Hallmark ornaments seen once a year is not going to undermine the example and principles you teach your kids the rest of the year. The ornaments don't have Giant Killer Commercialism Cooties!









I think this is a great idea!


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Lilya* 
To me, this seems like a very successful marketing ploy that Hallmark came up with. It seems sad to me that my parents, who imagine themselves as being very out-of-the-box and immune to advertising and consumerism, would fall for this. They have been doing this for almost 30 years.

I'm kind of wondering. Isn't it okay to be consumerist once a year? Maybe they just really like the ornaments? I don't usually buy them but they seem cute enough. I don't think they're that expensive are they? It could be something much more expensive. A lot of people collect ornaments with some sort of routine.

Of course I understand your not wanting to continue the tradition. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing and your parents should respect that. It just seems kind of a harsh criticism TBH.


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## Delta (Oct 22, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *offwing* 
Purchase a small artificial table tree. But all 27 Hallmark ornaments on it and call it the Childhood Memory Tree. When Mom and Dad come over, move it out into the open. When they leave, tuck it in the corner.

They love you, they think of you and they tried to do something special for you every year for 27 years. You can keep your new adult principles and start a new tradition without completely erasing the old one.

You undoubtedly are teaching and showing the kids what you know to be right every day. A set of Hallmark ornaments seen once a year is not going to undermine the example and principles you teach your kids the rest of the year. The ornaments don't have Giant Killer Commercialism Cooties!

















:

Put yourself in their shoes and imagine your kids rejecting a tradition that means a lot to you, and that you put a lot of thought and sincerity into.


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## sheilajolene (Oct 11, 2006)

I haven't read all the posts, but what if they were all in a box that fell and they all accidentally broke?







:


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## peachpie (Jan 25, 2007)

I love the idea of the Childhood Memory Tree-- how creative!

I would probably display them this year, with your new handmade ornaments, and then slowly replace them as your family receives ornaments that better fit your style.

It's neat for kids to see the yearly ornaments (homemade or commercial) and they open up great conversations ("wow, how old was Mom in 1983?")


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## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Am I the only one who doesn't get it and thinks the OP may be going a tad extreme here?







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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jamsmama* 
The way I see it is that Hallmark isn't going anywhere no matter if you buy from them or not. At least not in the next 20-30 years or so that your parents have left to enjoy this time with their grandchildren. If it's the only corporate purchase that you make in one year I would just do it and make those memories real and special for them. When your kids get older (teenagers), you can tell them that it's strictly for memories and not because you believe in supporting the corporate giants.....or something to that effect.

It definitely isn't the only purchase from a corporation. But, it is the only purchase made entirely BECAUSE it is from that corporation.

When I go grocery shopping, I don't say "let me show my continued support for Perdue today by making my regularly scheduled contribution."

Other purchases are made to get the needed/wanted item. This one is made to make a purchase from a specific corporation. Their Christmas isn't complete until they buy from Hallmark. I would never feel like my month is incomplete if I didn't make a purchase from Ziploc.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marybethorama*
I'm kind of wondering. Isn't it okay to be consumerist once a year? Maybe they just really like the ornaments? I don't usually buy them but they seem cute enough. I don't think they're that expensive are they? It could be something much more expensive. A lot of people collect ornaments with some sort of routine.

Of course I understand your not wanting to continue the tradition. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing and your parents should respect that. It just seems kind of a harsh criticism TBH.

The thing is, they don't think of themselves as consumerist. They don't want to be consumerist. If they thought about it, they would see it like i do, and they would be upset about having fallen for it. In this respect, their ideals are the same as mine. I just don't want to hurt them by pointing out that they fell for the marketing gimmick.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Delta*
Put yourself in their shoes and imagine your kids rejecting a tradition that means a lot to you, and that you put a lot of thought and sincerity into.

I make it a habit to re-evaluate my behavior and views constantly. There are a lot of things that meant a lot to me in the past that I now reject.

My parents, on the other hand, have gotten too old for that. They want to keep thinking of themselves as being on the cutting edge of out-of-the-box, even though they have now become pretty mainstream in their behavior. I don't want to shatter that.

Quote:

I haven't read all the posts, but what if they were all in a box that fell and they all accidentally broke?
They are mostly hard plastic, and probably mostly could be repaired. My father always repairs things. He would be upset if I threw something broken away.


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

"If I don't display them somewhere, they are sure to ask about it. Then it will all come out that I think they are pathetic for falling for such an obvious marketing ploy. Then they will be upset at me for being idealistic and for calling attention to the fact that they fell for it, which they would rather not realize."

WOW.

I suspect that I too would "rather not realize" if my daughter thought such ugly things about me.

I really don't think that the only, obvious conclusion is a straight line from "Where are your Hallmark ornaments?" to "I think you are pathetic for ever having bought them!" There are many, many other paths you could take. But to be honest, it almost sounds like you are determined to have a showdown with them, and specifically about this issue. If that is the case, so be it.

I also think it would be very, very demeaning to your parents to display the ornaments as a "teaching tool." Your child is an infant now and you are making all the decisions, but in just a short time your child will be a person who is forging relationships with your parents that are completely separate from your relationships w/them. Your child will likely adore the grandparents. Dislike Hallmark all you want, but to talk about the ornament tradition as an example of how misguided the grandparents are, could be confusing to your child and could be viewed by your parents as downright using them (to make their experience just something your child can learn from). Plus, don't think that won't somehow get back to them!









Look, I respect that you don't want to do it. It's possible that a simple "That was nice when we were all kids at home but I'm not really into it any more, thanks" might even work. At least, if you're anticipating yourself saying difficult things (and it sounds like you are), please cut yourself a break and start small.

Believe me, these things seem huge when the first kid is tiny. Everybody, including your folks, is feeling their way in this new territory. I think we all tend to be primal mother-bear in that first year, but without many real threats to protect our cubs from, sometimes we latch onto things that turn out not to be dangerous at all.


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## Bird Girl (Mar 12, 2007)

I think Sneakie Pie's comment is very wise. When your first child is very young, you have plenty of time to think about how you'd like to design your family traditions. But as time goes on, the importance of little details fades. You'll realize that all the things you do to celebrate winter holidays become traditions to your child, even things that don't seem meaningful especially to adults. And your son will probably be delighted to take out your hallmark ornaments some day, look over all the plastic-y details, and talk about how Mommy got them when she was a girl.

So try to relax about the corporate thing. There are plenty of corporations more insidious than Hallmark. It's not worth hurting your parents over.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Lilya* 
My parents, on the other hand, have gotten too old for that. They want to keep thinking of themselves as being on the cutting edge of out-of-the-box, even though they have now become pretty mainstream in their behavior. I don't want to shatter that.

Okay, this is just me, but I don't see being "mainstream" in that sense of the word as a bad thing. Why not just accept them as they are-even if they are being hypocrites







IME people who are hypocrites won't listen anyway when their hypocrisy is pointed out. Or maybe I'm too cynical









Is it the hypocrisy that bothers you? I know in my life, it drives me nuts. Like the time someone I know was blathering on about how they NEVER eat sugar while they were drinking a frozen Coke. Hello? So I admit, I try to avoid that person sometimes or I walk away from certain conversations.

Obviously, that's much harder with family.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Lilya* 
They are mostly hard plastic, and probably mostly could be repaired. My father always repairs things. He would be upset if I threw something broken away.

It can also be very hard to deal with packrat family members. BTDT.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SneakyPie* 
Look, I respect that you don't want to do it. It's possible that a simple "That was nice when we were all kids at home but I'm not really into it any more, thanks" might even work. At least, if you're anticipating yourself saying difficult things (and it sounds like you are), please cut yourself a break and start small.

I like that phrasing.


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## mija y mijo (Dec 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *offwing* 
Purchase a small artificial table tree. But all 27 Hallmark ornaments on it and call it the Childhood Memory Tree. When Mom and Dad come over, move it out into the open. When they leave, tuck it in the corner.

They love you, they think of you and they tried to do something special for you every year for 27 years. You can keep your new adult principles and start a new tradition without completely erasing the old one.

You undoubtedly are teaching and showing the kids what you know to be right every day. A set of Hallmark ornaments seen once a year is not going to undermine the example and principles you teach your kids the rest of the year. The ornaments don't have Giant Killer Commercialism Cooties!










This is a great idea!

It's just a couple of ornaments once a year...


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## Adastra (May 30, 2007)

I understand the anti-corporate stance - it's a value I share. But a much more important value, IMO, is to respect people and accept where they are and not reject their gifts of love because of an anti-corporate (or any political) stance. I may gag at the stuff my mom and in laws buy for the kids (and me), but that reaction is dwarfed at the gratitude I have that they are in our lives and involved with the kids.

You have to remember, they grew up in a very different time, when advertising and large corporations had less of an impact and people were less aware. I still have elderly relatives who think that Hallmark ornaments and figurines are the most wonderful things to collect, while I haven't set foot in a Hallmark store since high school. Their tastes and choices are very much of their time, as are your parents', as are yours and mine.

Times change, but the fact remains, those ornaments were collected out of love for you and a desire to have a family tradition that gave you something tangible to put on your Christmas tree when you were an adult to remind you of all the happy Christmases past. I cannot imagine why you wouldn't put the old ones on the tree, however much they differ from your own taste, even if you decide that the birth of your son will mark a change in your tradition. (Don't be surprised, btw, if your son receives a Hallmark ornament for Christmas once your parent realize you aren't buying).

So someday you explain to your son "Those were from a time when people thought it was really special to buy from a store. We believe that it's really special when we make our own ornaments." Or don't. As other posters said, it's the values you express in your daily life that he'll pick up. One value I don't want my kids picking up is that our political beliefs are more important than loved ones' feelings. That one might come back to bite us, you know?


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## Elvirnon (May 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sheilajolene* 
I haven't read all the posts, but what if they were all in a box that fell and they all accidentally broke?







:

Good god, are you serious? Deliberately smashing up a gift of family heirlooms that were given in love? Yeah, that's much more honorable than buying one ornament a year from Hallmark. Why not just tie the ornaments to a brick and throw it through Grandma and Grandpa's picture window? You know, to teach them a valuable lesson about their consumerism.


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## honeybee (Mar 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Lilya* 
If I don't display them somewhere, they are sure to ask about it. Then it will all come out that I think they are pathetic for falling for such an obvious marketing ploy. Then they will be upset at me for being idealistic and for calling attention to the fact that they fell for it, which they would rather not realize.

So, I guess I will have to put them up on a shelf or something. Just let it mean something different to my family. Let it demonstrate the insidiousness of marketing and be a warning to look out.

Yikes. If you really think your parent are "pathetic" then there are bigger issues here than whether or not the ornaments get hung up somewhere. And truly, to display something that was a beloved tradition to them as a warning against the evils of consumerism to your children would be much more hurtful to your parents (and kids talk, they would find out eventually) than just choosing to put them away somewhere and follow a different version of the tradition with your own kids.

I agree with you on the whole guarding your children against consumerism thing. We have our own holiday struggles with the grandparents. And no matter how gently we explain, they just don't "get it" that we don't want plastic toys covered with tv characters. But I would never consider calling them pathetic because of it.

You don't have to villainize your parents' choices just because you don't agree with them. They do belong to a different generation with different values. Why not try to understand why they are that way? Did they grow up very poor as children and are trying to compensate now? Did they inherit the materialism from their parents? Maybe they did buy into the whole Hallmark marketing fantasy... but does that really make them pathetic people?

Maybe your parents have been accusing you of being "neurotic" and "idealistic" not because you're trying to live up to your own values, but because you are attacking theirs.


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## mija y mijo (Dec 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Adastra* 
I understand the anti-corporate stance - it's a value I share. But a much more important value, IMO, is to respect people and accept where they are and not reject their gifts of love because of an anti-corporate (or any political) stance. I may gag at the stuff my mom and in laws buy for the kids (and me), but that reaction is dwarfed at the gratitude I have that they are in our lives and involved with the kids.

You have to remember, they grew up in a very different time, when advertising and large corporations had less of an impact and people were less aware. I still have elderly relatives who think that Hallmark ornaments and figurines are the most wonderful things to collect, while I haven't set foot in a Hallmark store since high school. Their tastes and choices are very much of their time, as are your parents', as are yours and mine.

Times change, but the fact remains, those ornaments were collected out of love for you and a desire to have a family tradition that gave you something tangible to put on your Christmas tree when you were an adult to remind you of all the happy Christmases past. I cannot imagine why you wouldn't put the old ones on the tree, however much they differ from your own taste, even if you decide that the birth of your son will mark a change in your tradition. (Don't be surprised, btw, if your son receives a Hallmark ornament for Christmas once your parent realize you aren't buying).

So someday you explain to your son "Those were from a time when people thought it was really special to buy from a store. We believe that it's really special when we make our own ornaments." Or don't. As other posters said, it's the values you express in your daily life that he'll pick up. One value I don't want my kids picking up is that our political beliefs are more important than loved ones' feelings. That one might come back to bite us, you know?

Well said.


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## GalateaDunkel (Jul 22, 2005)

Quote:

*There are plenty of corporations more insidious than Hallmark. It's not worth hurting your parents over.*








:

Quote:

I understand the anti-corporate stance - it's a value I share. But *a much more important value, IMO, is to respect people and accept where they are and not reject their gifts of love* because of an anti-corporate (or any political) stance.

Times change, but the fact remains, *those ornaments were collected out of love for you and a desire to have a family tradition* that gave you something tangible to put on your Christmas tree when you were an adult to remind you of all the happy Christmases past. I cannot imagine why you wouldn't put the old ones on the tree, however much they differ from your own taste, even if you decide that the birth of your son will mark a change in your tradition.

*One value I don't want my kids picking up is that our political beliefs are more important than loved ones' feelings.* That one might come back to bite us, you know?








:

Bolding mine.


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## sheilajolene (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Elvirnon* 
Good god, are you serious? Deliberately smashing up a gift of family heirlooms that were given in love? Yeah, that's much more honorable than buying one ornament a year from Hallmark. Why not just tie the ornaments to a brick and throw it through Grandma and Grandpa's picture window? You know, to teach them a valuable lesson about their consumerism.

Wow, touchy.


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## Elvirnon (May 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sheilajolene* 
Wow, touchy.

It's true. I'm working on it, though, and strive every day to become the type of person who destroys her parents' Christmas ornaments because the ornaments are too consumerist.


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## brightonwoman (Mar 27, 2007)

DH's family had traditions, and my family had traditions...and with our own famly we are doing some, but not many of them. Instead, since we are a new family, we have chosen to have our own traditions. I don't think either family feels offended by that. If we hapen to spend the holidays with one family or the other, we would participate with THEM doing THEIR traditions, but when we celebrate, we do our own.
I agree with the pp who said that I would just return the ornament and tell your mom that you feel like that ornament belongs on her tree, and that you are doing some different traditions. It doesn't have to be a 'your tradition is bad' kind of moment, it can just be 'we're doing some other things' situation, you know? Hopefully she'll understand that.
If you're looking for something to replace it...we have two ornament traditions in our little family. One is that we have a personalized ornament for each family member--all have come from different places, they are not a 'set' by any stretch of teh imagination, but they have our names on them, and each year, each person gets to put his/her ornament up. The other ornament tradition is that I have been working on collecting ornaments from the countries that our ancestors are from--we have heritage from a dozen countries, and I like to celebrate that. Some of our other traditions--such as foods we make--are from those countries as well. I LOVE the holidays!


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## Rosebud1 (Sep 8, 2007)

Buy them an ornament from somewhere where you know artisans were treated well, like Ten Thousand Villages. Then if queried about Hallmark, say that you thought the TTV ornaments were lovely.

It's nice on Christmas to feel good about your purchases. Do this all in a kind way to show not that you are insulting them or their presents but how much you enjoyed buying/making this other particular ornament.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

This thread has been on my mind for the last few days.

I feel your struggle, OP. Our families have traditions that go against some of our core values. Both sides do the "ornament thing". It has never occurred to me to try and boycott it. Compared to the much bigger issues we have had to combat, I do not sweat the ornament thing. If this continues until dd moves out, we are still talking nothing more than a shoe box of ornaments. As dd has gotten older and the HUGE battery-operated plastic toys, Santa, and Dora and all of the other consumeristic crap is the new grandparent battle ground, the ornaments really seem harmless. At least the idea is in sort-of the right place. I know you do not have any "warm fuzzies" from picking out your ornament each year, but it is a very small price to pay to give grandma the "warm fuzzies". I say pick your battles. There will be far bigger ones in the near future. It will be a lot easier to fight those when you have relented a bit on a family tradition.

And I would not "drop" them. I know they are yours and you are technically free to do whatever you want with them, but I am guessing your mom would rather just take them back if that is to be their fate.


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## Naless (Apr 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L&IsMama* 
Am I the only one who doesn't get it and thinks the OP may be going a tad extreme here?







:








:

I was thinking the same thing







:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Elvirnon* 
Good god, are you serious? Deliberately smashing up a gift of family heirlooms that were given in love? Yeah, that's much more honorable than buying one ornament a year from Hallmark. Why not just tie the ornaments to a brick and throw it through Grandma and Grandpa's picture window? You know, to teach them a valuable lesson about their consumerism.

Destoying the ornaments just because you don't want the tradition is harsh in the least.

Why not just give the ornaments back and suggest that they continue the tradition with the grandchildren at thier house (especially if you have siblings you may have children later) so that the whole family in included.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Adastra* 
I understand the anti-corporate stance - it's a value I share. But a much more important value, IMO, is to respect people and accept where they are and not reject their gifts of love because of an anti-corporate (or any political) stance. I may gag at the stuff my mom and in laws buy for the kids (and me), but that reaction is dwarfed at the gratitude I have that they are in our lives and involved with the kids.

...

One value I don't want my kids picking up is that our political beliefs are more important than loved ones' feelings. That one might come back to bite us, you know?

That says pretty much everything I was going to try to express.


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## Charitymama (May 26, 2005)

The more you decide that your life has to be only "your" traditions, the more you destroy your relationship with others. It sounds like you don't feel you have anything in common with your family, but by rejecting their attempts to share in a tradition you both can share, you are just pushing them away. You're effectively saying you don't want to continue the relationship anymore because there is nothing left in common that gives you reason to continue it. They find joy in purchasing items to show love while you don't. The relationship can continue if you both would be willing to compromise. It sounds like you don't want to compromise. You're shutting out your family when you shut out the things they find important. I can understand shutting out someone because they endanger your child physically, but it's a gift. I would just say thank you, knowing that someone loves you and your child enough to make notice of you and gift you something. If you reject their gifts and their traditions, and discount the things they enjoy, you may just find they don't call as much, slowly stop visiting, and eventually Grandma and Grandpa are just some strangers you see once a year, if at all (because typically you don't spend time with people you don't have anything in common with).

They're ornaments. Pretty, decorative, things that you put on the Christmas tree, to remember the year, and to remember the person who cared enough about you to give you it in the first place. They prefer the Hallmark ones. If that's what they find most beautiful, then I don't see it any different than someone saying that they prefer to get wooden toys over plastic toys. Each has a reason for wanting what they want.

I would find a way to compromise, in which you don't discount their choices. We all put stuff on our wishlists. Apparently Hallmark ornaments are what your family wants. When you get someone a gift, it's typical to get them something they want and will enjoy. So I don't think it's evil to buy them a Hallmark ornament when that is what they were asking for for Christmas. And while you didn't really want a Hallmark ornament for a gift, it's still nice that someone considers you important enough to spend their money on. I'm sure they get a thrill out of picking out the perfect ornament to give you and your child. Why deprive them of that joy?


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## zipworth (Jun 26, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *offwing* 
Purchase a small artificial table tree. But all 27 Hallmark ornaments on it and call it the Childhood Memory Tree. When Mom and Dad come over, move it out into the open. When they leave, tuck it in the corner.

They love you, they think of you and they tried to do something special for you every year for 27 years. You can keep your new adult principles and start a new tradition without completely erasing the old one.

You undoubtedly are teaching and showing the kids what you know to be right every day. A set of Hallmark ornaments seen once a year is not going to undermine the example and principles you teach your kids the rest of the year. The ornaments don't have Giant Killer Commercialism Cooties!









Good idea!


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

If I didn't care about their feelings, would I have bothered to post here for advice?

No, it doesn't bother me that they have different interests than me. I don't think that they are hypocritical or pathetic. I think that they are human. But they aren't used to me doing anything differently from the way they think is best, so they would get upset and jump to the conclusion that I think so. My whole life i have had a hard time disagreeing with them. They are very hard to disagree with. They are so certain that their way is best, and so critical of anything different. Even as a teenager, I did exactly what they wanted all the time.

My dad had a real problem with it when my husband and I gave up drinking for a while. He jumped to the assumption that we were judging him for drinking. He got very upset that we didn't want any alcohol in our home. So, when we invited them for dinner, he mixed his own drink in a jar and brought it.

There is really no easy way to do anything differently from them without causing a problem, unless you don't let them KNOW that you are doing something different.

When I use the ornaments as a teaching tool, I would say something along the lines of how sneaky marketing campaigns can be and how their mother fell for it for a long time before she realized it. Just a warning to look out for anything tricking you into buying something.

And I really can't see myself breaking anything. That doesn't do any good for anybody.

Quote:

The more you decide that your life has to be only "your" traditions, the more you destroy your relationship with others. It sounds like you don't feel you have anything in common with your family, but by rejecting their attempts to share in a tradition you both can share, you are just pushing them away. You're effectively saying you don't want to continue the relationship anymore because there is nothing left in common that gives you reason to continue it. They find joy in purchasing items to show love while you don't. The relationship can continue if you both would be willing to compromise. It sounds like you don't want to compromise. You're shutting out your family when you shut out the things they find important. I can understand shutting out someone because they endanger your child physically, but it's a gift. I would just say thank you, knowing that someone loves you and your child enough to make notice of you and gift you something. If you reject their gifts and their traditions, and discount the things they enjoy, you may just find they don't call as much, slowly stop visiting, and eventually Grandma and Grandpa are just some strangers you see once a year, if at all (because typically you don't spend time with people you don't have anything in common with).

They're ornaments. Pretty, decorative, things that you put on the Christmas tree, to remember the year, and to remember the person who cared enough about you to give you it in the first place. They prefer the Hallmark ones. If that's what they find most beautiful, then I don't see it any different than someone saying that they prefer to get wooden toys over plastic toys. Each has a reason for wanting what they want.

I would find a way to compromise, in which you don't discount their choices. We all put stuff on our wishlists. Apparently Hallmark ornaments are what your family wants. When you get someone a gift, it's typical to get them something they want and will enjoy. So I don't think it's evil to buy them a Hallmark ornament when that is what they were asking for for Christmas. And while you didn't really want a Hallmark ornament for a gift, it's still nice that someone considers you important enough to spend their money on. I'm sure they get a thrill out of picking out the perfect ornament to give you and your child. Why deprive them of that joy?
Wow, a lot of assumptions there. There are a lot of family traditions that we think are great. In fact, this is the only one I can think of that I am not thrilled to participate in anymore. Who said I am not willing to compromise? I have compromised on everything my whole life. I have been a pushover. If I can't ever do one thing differently from what my parents would do, what kind of pathetic person am I? And no, it isn't really a gift. It isn't about someone selecting an item and giving it to another. It is more about each person selecting for themselves. Also, we see them all the time.

Quote:

And I would not "drop" them. I know they are yours and you are technically free to do whatever you want with them, but I am guessing your mom would rather just take them back if that is to be their fate.
I don't know if they would want them back. I don't think they envision them as having any value to anyone but me.

Quote:

DH's family had traditions, and my family had traditions...and with our own famly we are doing some, but not many of them. Instead, since we are a new family, we have chosen to have our own traditions. I don't think either family feels offended by that. If we hapen to spend the holidays with one family or the other, we would participate with THEM doing THEIR traditions, but when we celebrate, we do our own.
I could be very content with that. My ILs aren't offended if we do something different from them. But my parents are. Their thinking is "what is wrong with the way we do things?" My sister visited me after I wrote the OP. She told me my father made some comment to my mother about being fed up with me doing things DH's culture's way. I asked my sister what we do that way? She said as far as she could see, only the baby's name.

Quote:

There are plenty of corporations more insidious than Hallmark. It's not worth hurting your parents over.
It is not the specific corporation. It is the idea of some kind of loyalty to a corporation whereby you must go out and buy their product on a schedule.

Quote:

You have to remember, they grew up in a very different time, when advertising and large corporations had less of an impact and people were less aware.
Yes, and I grew up in a different time from my son, and I hope he will be more aware than I am. I hope to raise him in a way that he is not gullible and preyed upon by corporations, or anything else. I hope he can grow up with his eyes sharply attuned to it, and point out to me the chains on myself that I can't see.

P.S. I think my parents are great. I think they were virtually ideal parents. Both are interesting and intelligent and exposed me to so many different things. They had a lot to teach. I credit them for me turning out the way I did. I can count on one hand the things about them that I don't want to find in myself, but think of thousands of things about them I wish I have in me.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

For what it is worth, it sounds like this is not about ornaments or values, but rather about negotiating an adult relationship with your parents, especially now that you are married and a parent.

With parents who seem to take any difference of opinion as a personal affront (they sound very controlling, IMHO, based on your description), establishing clear boundaries between your families is even more important to have accomplished early. Frankly, I would be surprised if Christmas ornaments are the only difference between their approach and yours in raising children. If so, get ready for MANY more bigger differences down the line.

One technique is to not negotiate. Don't justify, don't be reasonable. Just be loving and kind and set your boundaries.

"Thanks for your opinions. DH and I have decided this is how we are going to celebrate Christmas. Next topic! ; )" - and say it with a smile.

Repeat ad nauseum.

Oh, and one comeback to the belief that anyting different is a veiled accusation about them - "Mom, dad, it isn't all about you."

Good luck


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lady Lilya* 
No, it doesn't bother me that they have different interests than me. I don't think that they are hypocritical or pathetic. I think that they are human. But they aren't used to me doing anything differently from the way they think is best, so they would get upset and jump to the conclusion that I think so. My whole life i have had a hard time disagreeing with them. They are very hard to disagree with. They are so certain that their way is best, and so critical of anything different. Even as a teenager, I did exactly what they wanted all the time.

Wow. This is bigger than ornaments IMO.


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marybethorama* 
Wow. This is bigger than ornaments IMO.

agreed.

Ornaments is a good 'starter' conflict though, because fundamentally, it doesn't really matter if you buy the odd ornament at hallmark or from third world artisans or make them yourselves - all that matters is that you felt able to stand up to them and the world didn't collapse.

There will be much bigger fights down the road, especially if your dh has a different culture/different approach to child rearing than your parents are comfortable with.


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## PreggieUBA2C (Mar 20, 2007)

Lady Lilya, I'm not up to analysing tonight, but I thought I'd share something that may or may not help you at least with the surface difficulty- the ornaments.

Dh and I are also very counter-consumerist and as a result of both that philosophical perpective and other values we share, we don't buy or cut down a tree to decorate for our Christmas celebration. We do decorate with handmade items and those are hung up on the ceiling, walls, railings, etc..., but no tree. I do love the smell of pine, so we may go for a fallen branch collecting hike in the woods before Christmas and I will sculpt something out of them so we can enjoy the smell and aesthetic while still being responsible (in our own consciences). I don't know if that's a consideration for you, but if you are as radical as we are, you might reconsider your tree purchase







.

If you removed the tree from your tradition, the ornaments could be placed in a lovely bowl on the coffee table or mantle or wherever and your dc could touch and hold them, talk with your parents about them (eventually- I cannot remember your dc's age...) and they would still have the opportunity to act according to their own tradition while you are free to act according to yours without conflict. Obviously the ornaments are still in view, but I personally think that a bowl of ornaments is far less invasive than a whole tree full of them- and you could have a wooden bowl so they are only visible from above, if that would help you cope. Your parents may be upset that you don't want a _tree_, but that conflict would seem to me to be easier to resolve/live with than the conflict wherein you inform them that they've been 'duped.'

This is not a critisism- I just wanted to share what I think in a kind way and I hope it comes across that way: I think it might be equally upsetting to you to find out when your dc is grown that he/she can't believe that you _fell for buying a tree when your values are in opposition to that sort of wasteful purchase._

I hope you can figure out a beneficial manner of continuing what seems like a decent relationship while still feeling free in your own home to behave according to your values, even though they may not be shared your parents- or at least expressed the same way.

Btw, I have been estranged from my abusive parents for over three years now and I really feel the lack especially during holy celebrations (even though their presence in their condition is not what I want), so if you have a loving relationship with your parents, please find a way to love each other; it would be devastating to lose what you have over something so relatively small, which is probably why you've posted- to gain insight into how to handle the situation with the least conflict and best possible outcome, right?









Keep thinking about it and wait until you've come upon a solution that you feel _really confident_ about before you act- then you'll at least minimise the damage, if any occurs at all (none would be best, though, of course). If you are confident, your parents may be more willing to accept it as you being you and not just you trying to not be them.


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

I have to apologize for misunderstanding something you said. When you wrote "it will come out that I think they are pathetic," I see now you were saying that they would interpret your words that way, not that you actually think your parents are pathetic.

Lots of people do that thing where they make your actions/decisions into a reflection on them -- I know I've done it sometimes. I hope this one goes more smoothly than the alcohol one! Maybe you can just keep smiling and repeating, "I liked it when we were kids but I'm not really into it now." Over and over and over.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Don't say anything, just don't buy ornaments and don't put the ones on the tree you dont want.

If they ask, just say something like, you want to start a new tradition for your daughter, maybe you can do homemade ornaments or something, or you can just say you don't love Hallmark the same way they do and decided to do something else.

No judgement of them, just state that you are choosing something else. Not that your way is better, you are doing what works for you.


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## CupcakeMagee (Jun 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marybethorama* 
Wow. This is bigger than ornaments IMO.









:

Oh my goodness. I've only just finished reading this post and it's responses and I was hoping that I wasn't the only person who thought that "Hallmark ornaments" were meaning a symbol of a much, much, much larger underlying issue that's being played out here...

After all, everything being sold by anyone ever is part of a marketing scheme in one context or another. Be it the awesome hemp dog collar I bought from the drifter who told me about how he was trying to make it across country and needed money or the tofu I purchase at the food store or my own fantastic collection of Hallmark ornaments that I buy for myself and the ones I purchase for my friends and my family.







:


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

since it would be your dc's first xmas right? then what about one of the ones that you can put a pic in it, there is also ones that you can write names on it and even members of the family ,you dont have to say anything i dont think. just try to make it special because of being you dc's first xmas. if they want you to have them i think from any store the baby's first ones are so cute. my dd has 1 to 5 and my ds has 1st so far. she is allowed to chose one from anywhere that she wants they are displayed all year round not put on the tree.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

The ornaments they gave you are already bought. You are not contributing further to the consumerism, unless you keep buying more.

I guess I don't understand why you are starting this battle now, as opposed to all the time you've spent not upholding the tradition in the last few years. Are they coming to visit you at Christmas? Is there any reason in particular you feel a need to potentially start a family fight right before the holidays? (this is not snarky, but a genuine question. I often feel those urges, my DH is very good about reminding me to look for the deeper reason why I am choosing that particuar moment to get confrontational. Sometimes I go ahead with it, and he always backs me up, sometimes I realize that it's not about the thing that I'm fixing to fight over. Just saying.)

I have virtually rejected almost all holiday traditions from my family of origin. Yet I've never had a sit down conversation with my parents (as much as my up-yours sentiments really would enjoy it), because to be perfectly pragmatic and blunt, it really wouldn't accomplish anything and when I *honestly* examined my motives, it really truly was an up-yours my-way-is-better-you-got-it-wrong sentiment. Which really isn't worth ruining other people's holidays over. I get pissed off when my mother attempts to do the same thing with me. So I just do as I please. IF my mother asks me why I don't do X Y or Z like any decent person, I just say "this is what we decided for our family, but I remember how much fun I used to have doing F as a kid." She is an ornament packrat (though she sends me all of her crappy dumpy stored oraments in general, not the ones that I had as a kid--and because they've no sentimental value to me I generally either goodwill them or toss them in the garbage if they're not goodwillable, which most of them aren't--one year it was a bunch of moldy, water-damaged and stinky paper cutouts that I'd never seen from god knows when). She has asked me about certain ornaments on occasion. Then I point out the weird part of the tree where the kids have hung them (the ones that are nice but I don't personally feel much attachment too I put in the kids' non-fragile box so the kids have piles of ornaments to hang up all by themselves--we're not too big on a perfect looking Christmas tree here) or just say that they must not have made it on this year.

I wouldn't prepare to have a proactive man-the-torpedoes discussion with them. Not without having a clearly defined SOLVABLE objective. But that's me. I have no problem with not living up to other people's expectations, and don't really feel any compulsion to explain myself to my parents anymore. If you NEED to deal with it, then deal with it as kindly and as briefly as possible. But otherwise, why bother? It's just going to cause you stress and other people unhappiness, and who wants that at this time of year?

Do what you want, be happy and confident, the rest will follow. You're probably not going to convert them, obviously they didn't convert you. So I'd just be personable and do my own thing, in the hopes that your kids will pick that up from you if they decide to institute the Annual Wal-Mart Ornament Shop Bonanza or something, when they're adults.


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## Naless (Apr 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *siobhang* 
For what it is worth, it sounds like this is not about ornaments or values, but rather about negotiating an adult relationship with your parents, especially now that you are married and a parent.

With parents who seem to take any difference of opinion as a personal affront (they sound very controlling, IMHO, based on your description), establishing clear boundaries between your families is even more important to have accomplished early. Frankly, I would be surprised if Christmas ornaments are the only difference between their approach and yours in raising children. If so, get ready for MANY more bigger differences down the line.

One technique is to not negotiate. Don't justify, don't be reasonable. Just be loving and kind and set your boundaries.

"Thanks for your opinions. DH and I have decided this is how we are going to celebrate Christmas. Next topic! ; )" - and say it with a smile.

Repeat ad nauseum.

Oh, and one comeback to the belief that anyting different is a veiled accusation about them - "Mom, dad, it isn't all about you."

Good luck









:


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## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

Interesting thread.

I have to admit I don't see why you can't accept the ornaments that they gave you throughout the years and look at them as the gift they were intended to be and then sit down with your parents to start a new tradition. Explain how you want to be able to tell your child as the years go on how the ornaments were made or what special artisan they were bought from each year and how you want to emphasize the love they symbolize and their uniqueness. How you want to take the Hallmark tradition to another level. A level that really reflects the love and caring of the original tradition.

Tell them you were grateful to get the ornaments to start your tree and how you value the tradition in and of itself. If they don't want to make the ornaments be prepared with a craft fair or something that you all can go to to expand the tradition. Maybe as your child gets older your parents can take them to pick out the ornament themselves.

For now ask that that be the only gift you child gets until they're old enough to actually ask for what they want. (see, cutting down on consumerism)

Be a reasonable compromising adult that takes everyones feelings and values into account. If they can't be that way back then you have a problem. But try not to borrow trouble. You goal shouldn't be to make them feel the way they seem to make you feel but to find a middle ground that might make everyone happy. Don't anticipate their reaction but make sure you feel you've been reasonable. Their reaction is their problem not yours as long as you've worked to find that middle ground.


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## Nosy (Feb 23, 2004)

I can really relate to this thread. At first I thought, it's only a few days a year and these ornaments don't have to be the centerpiece of your holiday celebration. But on the other hand, my MIL constantly gives us ugly art she made herself. She gets so mad when she comes over and we're not displaying all the ugly art. It's my house, shouldn't I get to decorate it as I want? She's asked for all the pieces we're not currently displaying back so she can give them to someone who appreciates them. So I can appreciate that you don't want your parents foisting their idea of tradition and decorating on you.

However, I think I would treat it as a nostalgia thing with my kids...look what my parents thought was cute when I was growing up and look how they saved this part of my childhood to show their grandchildren. I wouldn't put them on my tree, but maybe put them on a separate tree as someone suggested or in a place not of prominence. My 3 year old is really interested in when Mommy was little, so maybe you could use to talk about the good and bad of your childhood. We've already talked about how mommy wasn't breastfed because grandma thought formula was healthier, so I don't see why wouldn't talk about how possessions from a name brand company were really important to grandma and she thought it showed her love, so we have this ornament collection. It might be useful later when your child wants X brand of something...you already have this example of how effective marketing can be.

I just wanted to say I can relate, but I'd try to be tolerant...at least you don't have to keep it out all year if you decide to display them somehow.


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## honeybee (Mar 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SneakyPie* 
I have to apologize for misunderstanding something you said. When you wrote "it will come out that I think they are pathetic," I see now you were saying that they would interpret your words that way, not that you actually think your parents are pathetic.

Lots of people do that thing where they make your actions/decisions into a reflection on them -- I know I've done it sometimes. I hope this one goes more smoothly than the alcohol one! Maybe you can just keep smiling and repeating, "I liked it when we were kids but I'm not really into it now." Over and over and over.









Me, too. I misunderstood what you were saying with that line. I understand what you mean. We have had a lot of problems with the ILs and boundaries. Dh is a very non-confrontational type of person and it has been really hard for him to stand up to his parents. We have found it best to pick our battles carefully, but then remain firm. He has come a long way in this regard, and I am really proud of him. You can do it, too!

Explaining really doesn't help. The broken record approach of "this is what we've decided" has worked the best for us. Good luck.


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## Lady Lilya (Jan 27, 2007)

Sorry, no time for a lot of writing. Baby is being very needy recently. But I read all the replies while he was eating.

I am glad I finally explained it well enough for people to understand what I was talking about.

The reason the issue came up now, and not in a different year, is that they separated my ornaments from theirs just after last christmas instead of packing them away with the others. Originally, I figured we would not have space for a tree this year, because our apartment was so tiny and the place we would have put it was occupied by piles of stuff for the new baby. So, I thought we would have time to figure it out. But, unexpectedly we moved in September instead of next Feb as expected, so we now have huge amounts of space and the perfect place for a tree.

If i could make this issue arise in August instead of around the holiday season, I would.

About killing a tree...I have heard you can get potted christmas trees. Maybe I will look into that. Probably expensive to get one intended for a christmas tree. Maybe from a store that sells trees with the intention of planting them in your yard. Then we can find somewhere to plant it afterwards. I had a tiny potted tree before.

Thanks everyone for all the ideas. I will let it stew for a while.


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