# My newborn nephew died



## lesliesara63 (Dec 18, 2004)

he was born on Mothers day, a sweet little 6lb 3oz baby boy. He was brought back to the ER on Tues with a fever. Fine when they checked him and sent him home. The next day at the maternal newborn clinic she told them about this and him being congested and not waking to eat, barely eating at all. They told her to feed him 18 oz of formula. Friday back to the ER after he turned blue. He was ok when he got there. They had her wait 20mins and then he turned blue again. He never came home again. At first they thought it was pneumonia and that he would be home in two weeks. My SIL began pumping, I contacted a NICU nurse who was also a LLL leader to help her start nursing again when he was able. By Monday (8days old) he was intubated and moved to another hospital 2 hrs away. At this time they suspected and it was true that he was infected with herpes and they did not think he would live. His mother had a primary outbreak at birth that she did not know about, neither parent had ever been diagnosed. He went into organ failure, was given next to no hope by the doctors. His blood was not clotting and he was at risk of bleeding into his brain. This is exactly what happened. My dh & I stayed at the hospital with them from Monday until he passed on Thursday. On one had I am so grateful that I got to spend that small amount of time with him, I got to hold his hand and sing to him. But it was also horrible to witness the suffering his parents went through learning that he would likely die, and ultimately having to make the decision to take him off life support. My heart is breaking for them right now. My BIL and his g/f are 21 and 24 yrs and this was their first experience as parents. My dh is helping them with funeral arrangements and they are getting through them. My question is what next? After the funeral on Wednesday what do we do to support them? Its a big family and we didn't normally spend so much time with them. Do we continue to call daily or will we be a nuisance? I just want to do the right thing here. When I miscarried everyone basically acted like it didn't happen and that was so painful. So how is the best way for us to continue to support them?


----------



## Bethla (May 29, 2004)

What a tremendous loss for your family. I am so sorry. I hope some others have some advice about how to support your brother and his gf. It sounds like you and your dh are doing a bit of that already.


----------



## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Oh my goodness, this is so heartbreaking.

I am sure that everyone is different and you have to take your cues from them to some extent, but I'm with you in that it was very painful when friends and relatives totally ignored our loss. You sound so thoughtful and compassionate... I think you should continue letting the family know that you are there for them, whether that means calling, bringing over meals, offering to babysit if they have other children, etc.

I think it is better to err on the side of reaching out (even if they have to tell you that they just need to be alone for a while) rather than not reaching out and risk having them experience even more pain and isolation. I am so sorry for this terrible loss your family is suffering.


----------



## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Since you experienced so much with them, you can probably really help them process. It will be a long road, though. Very long, very painful.

You can- email; phone; bring food; offer to go through the mail for them; offer to write out checks for bills (we got really behind without realizing it- it was a year before we started coming out of that fog); bring by some flowers; listen- listen-listen; you will probably need someone you can talk to afterward because it is hard to be a listener of so much pain.

Don't be afraid to be close to them. She will likely not let you know what she needs. She will probably not know herself what she needs. She and her partner may have terrible fights. Her house may go to pieces, she may withdraw from her regular life because she doesn't know how to function there. Just be there for her, if you can. Just literally being there is helpful.

I had a close friend who was at my daughter's birth and she took pictures for us, etc. She would come over sometimes. I don't remember if I invited her or not- probably not- but it was always good to have her near. Once when she came my dh and I were having a huge fight about the flowers from the graveside. She listened to us and said "Wow, it's clear you guys love each other so much." I was shocked- at that moment I thought I hated him. I want to add that I am NOT the kind of person to let people into my life like that, but literally I was incapable of making decisions, of being rational or clear-thinking. The best way I can describe it is that I was in a dense fog. My life fell apart and I couldn't find the pieces, much less put them back together.

And I want to say to you that I am sorry for your loss as well. It sounds like you've cared for your brother and SIL very well already. It is such a sad thing. No words make it better, but talking does.


----------



## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm sorry.







Your entire family must be so devastated.

For support, just don't forget their son. Send them a card when his birthday comes around next year. And even a letter every few months telling them you are thinking of them and how much you miss their nephew. Everyone just forgets and that was the most hurtful thing for me.


----------



## laralee16 (Nov 12, 2005)

s for everyone.


----------



## mamaverdi (Apr 5, 2005)




----------



## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

im so sorry for your whole family right now. keep reaching out.


----------



## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Oh, I am crying for you and your family. That is truly heartbreaking. I agree that it is better to err on the side of giving "too much" support. My BIL said "I'm going to call every day at 3pm to see if you want to have dinner with us until you tell me to stop". It was so good to know that we always had someone checking in on us.

One thing about losing a baby...when you are pregnant, you plan and plan and carve out time and space in your life in preparation for your baby. When my son died in labor, DH and I found ourselves with too much space and time on our hands. We had nowhere to direct the energy that we suposed to use to care for our baby. Yes, we continue to grieve, but distractions are good, too. We really appreciate dinner invitations or people bringing dinner to our house and eating with us. We are still eating from prepared meals that people stocked our freezer with.

I have found that talking with loved ones who also looked forward to our baby has helped. It's comforting to know that others are also devastated, that we are not alone in our grief. You could also give them books for when they are ready for reading (When bad things happen to good people, Life touches life, How to survive the loss of a child). Perhaps you could research a therapist who specializes in grief or newborn loss.

Also, keep in mind that your nephew's mom will likely blame herself and experience deep guilt about the infection originating from her body. She will need to express these feelings in order to resolve them and will need to hear that she is not at fault.


----------



## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)

I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet nephew


----------



## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so sorry, that is truly heartbreaking.









I would definitely keep trying to support them.


----------



## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss. The most important thing I can say is not to forget him. I mean, I know you couldn't, but don't act like he never existed, you know? Dalene is right that she will probably have feelings of guilt that she will need to work though, so allowing her to talk about it will probably be helpful.


----------



## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so sorry for your family's tremendous loss. Such an ordeal and such pain!
It's wonderful that you could be there and had time with your sweet nephew. It breaks my heart to think of you and what your BIL and his gf had to go through...
I have a "suggestions" page on my blog, it is geared towards parents who had stillbirth but I feel will be relevant as well. Play by ear about what the parents want and need, but always be there, even if in silence. The road ahead for them is long and hard, they will appreciate support and rememberance.

Once again, my deepest condolences.


----------



## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear this. I think that you should keep in touch. Just to see how their doing. I know that I wanted my space, but I didn't want to be closed off from the world. I think e-mail is great.


----------

