# Not even sure where to start...



## mainegirl (Jul 13, 2004)

I have one son, who is 3. He is perfect and wonderful and smart in every way.

Earlier this year we got pregnant again, much to our joy, and I started bleeding at 7-1/2 weeks. After nearly six weeks of on-again, off-again bleeding, I woke one night in agony and went to the hospital to have a D&C as I had retained virtually all of the placenta and the expired fetus and I couldn't take any more.

This Autumn I found out that I am once again pregnant. Throughout this pregnancy I have felt trepidation, worry, and like I'm not really pregnant. I hadn't gained any weight, had very few symptoms, and other than some round ligament pain lately was still feeling too cautious to really be happy and enjoy my pregnancy. In short, I felt that something was wrong.

My estimation is that I was 15-16 weeks along, so I called my midwife and asked if I could get an ultrasound just to be sure (I'm one of those people who really need to see to believe, and I've been feeling miserable about the uncertainty).

I had the ultrasound three hours ago. The baby is 13.5 weeks and has anencephaly. My husband and I are devastated. I knew it all along, I had this feeling of dread that something was wrong and I was right.

I'm not sure what to do now. Part of me doesn't want to go through with the pregnancy, I don't know how I will deal with people at work knowing I'm pregnant with a baby that will die. I don't know if I can bear carrying this child knowing that I will go through so much pain and anxiety and worry over possibly the next six months, just to lose them all over again. I don't know if I could deal with giving birth, my only natural birth (my son was a c-section), to a child who was doomed to die.

Yet on the other hand the baby is alive and I don't feel I have the right to decide how he or she will die. I feel as if I should nurture and love this baby as long as I can until they leave me. I think that maybe I should try to help them grow as much as they can and hopefully hold them in my arms.

It goes without saying that the news is still very fresh to me so I'm very confused and conflicted. I could use a little support and guidance from other mothers who have gone through a similar situation.

Thanks.


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## Nettie (May 26, 2005)

I don't have any experience or advice for you. I just wanted to say that I read your post and I'm grieving for you. I can't imagine how you must feel and what a hard decision you are faced with. I'm so sorry.


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## ComfyCozy (Dec 7, 2005)

Mainegirl,

(((HUGS))) to you and your husband in your time of sorrow. I went to a funeral on Saturday for an anencephalic baby who was delivered a month early. All I can say is that his mother, even in her sorrow, looked totally radiant. She spent every moment with her baby that she could, and looked with such love towards his little coffin. The father and oldest son (maybe 5 or 6?) carried the tiny coffin together. It was their wish that baby F be baptized, and sure enough, he lived for an hour and fifteen minutes...was baptized (by his own father, even), confirmed, and cuddled with much love until he passed on. It was very painful for them, but they got to hold him, kiss him, and give him a dignifying goodbye. If you are willing, you can PM me your information and I'll personally deliver it to my friend, that if she's up to talking about it (she delivered a week ago tomorrow) she can give you a call.

((HUGS)) again


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I am sad for you and your family tonight!

I haven't walked in your shoes, so I have no first hand advice to give. Listen to your instincts, and follow your heart on this. There really is no one right answer here. Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk more - we could get together if you'd like, knit a bit and talk - I am not sure where in Maine you are, but I am sure we could make it work!

Take care of yourself. Wishing peace for you.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Jen--

I'm sorry you are burdened with this.









My Mom told me about neighbors whose daughter was pregnant with an anencephalic baby. Her doctor wanted her to abort, she chose to carry the child. At the time my Mom was hearing the story, the young woman was in her 3rd trimester, and by all accounts, the baby was developing normally, no sign of anencephaly.

I do not know what has happened, I don't want to paint too rosy of a picture without knowing. But I do believe that things beyond our understanding can occur.

Your road is difficult, no matter your choice or the outcome. Please talk with us here, if it helps.

Take care, I'll be thinking of you.

Keri


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## mainegirl (Jul 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gretasmommy* 
I am sad for you and your family tonight!

I haven't walked in your shoes, so I have no first hand advice to give. Listen to your instincts, and follow your heart on this. There really is no one right answer here. Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk more - we could get together if you'd like, knit a bit and talk - I am not sure where in Maine you are, but I am sure we could make it work!

Take care of yourself. Wishing peace for you.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words - still a whole lot to process and a whole lot of crying to be done. My eyes hurt just thinking about it.

gretasmommy, I tried PMing you but your mailbox is full.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I would consider getting a second opinion, before making any decisions. After my recent experience I DO NOT trust OB's or Midwifes to give accurate US results.

I would also give it a little bit of time, allow yourself to process the information and make an informed decision. Talk to others who have been in your shoes, get a second or third opinion if you want to ensure the test results were accurate.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

oops! My inbox is empty now!


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

What a heavy heart you and your DH must have right now.














s I am so sorry you're being faced w/this decision. My DD was stillborn so our situations are a bit different, but I'd like to think if I were in your shoes, knowing the babe has anencephaly wouldn't change my mind if I carried the pregnancy to term or not. Having been through a stillbirth and a miscarriage, I think a woman should cherish each second of pregnancy b/c as many of us have learned, you really never know if you'll have a healthy, breathing baby in your arms by the time it's all said and done. I hope I'm making sense. I think that whatever decision you and your family make will be the right one for your family. Gentle (((HUGS))) and lots of prayers.







s


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## mainegirl (Jul 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *khaoskat* 
I would consider getting a second opinion, before making any decisions. After my recent experience I DO NOT trust OB's or Midwifes to give accurate US results.

I would also give it a little bit of time, allow yourself to process the information and make an informed decision. Talk to others who have been in your shoes, get a second or third opinion if you want to ensure the test results were accurate.

I saw the baby myself and there really is no question. I went to an imaging center where this is all they do all day long so I'm very confident in the diagnosis.


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## rosie29 (Aug 18, 2004)

I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts.









The winter 2006 issue of Brian, Child magazine has a story (Sounds like a Plan) of a woman who is carrying a child with the same diagnosis. (Caution: she does abort. I'm not suggesting that that's what I think you should do; just suggesting it as something you might want to look at if you're the kind of person who, like me, wants to read everything she can get her hands on, that's relevant.)

Here's the website, but that particular article is not online: http://www.brainchildmag.com/toc/


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## Starleigh (Jul 27, 2003)

I'm so sorry.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

I am so sorry

My story is a bit different, my son had a fatal genetic disorder that was diagnosed finally at 26 weeks. We did a lot of soul searching and choose to birth the baby (at that point my 2 natural births had been for babies that had died), the main reason was there was no amniotic fluid and we could feel the baby very easily and worried about him feeling pain.
All that said he died days before the induction. The birthing of him was very healing








s again as you face this very hard decission

tara


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## dallaschildren (Jun 14, 2003)

I am sorry I have no words of wisdom for you. I just wanted to hug you and let you know I will be thinking of you.

DC


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I am so sorry for what you are going through.


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## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. It must be a difficult time. Another thought, someone I know had this happen to her, and she decided to carry the baby to term, so she could donate his organs to other babies needing them. (Although, everyone on your birth team would need to know about it before hand, so the proper things could be done.) She said it gave her peace of mind knowing her baby would help save the life of other babies. I will be praying for you to have peace with any decision you make. God Bless.


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## Jessie'sMom (Dec 1, 2006)

i'm so sorry you have to go through this...


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Just thinking about you tonight. How are you?

Hey, there's a great little yarn shop here in Brunswick, The Knitting Experience Cafe, and they are having a fabulous sale Saturday . . . . I am planning to go and get some Lornas Laces and sit and knit for awhile. Care to join me?

Take care!


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## cfiddlinmama (May 9, 2006)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now. I hope you are holding up ok. I personally wouldn't abort. I believe every baby deserves a chance. Even if it's only chance is to be held and loved for a few minutes. I can't even begin to think how difficult it would be to continue with the pg, but I think that the thought of loving my baby and giving it a chance for love (however brief) would be a great comfort. I wish you peace and clarity in your decision. I'm praying for you.


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## adamsfam07 (Sep 9, 2006)

I'm so very sorry







I truly can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I believe that every child should have a chance at life even if it's a short one, to come into the world and leave again knowing only the love and gentle touch of his parents. I would want to see and hold and hug my baby however a short of time I had with him or her, to let them know I wanted and loved them more than anything else. You and your husband will be in my prayers.


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## dallaschildren (Jun 14, 2003)

How are you doing? Thinking of you.









DC


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