# Cord-Related Stillbirth



## catmuse11 (Jul 6, 2004)

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I lost my first born daughter less than two weeks ago. I was two weeks from my due date, and, though I hadn't felt her move much in the week prior, I thought everything was fine. (Her movements had continued to decline from about the 25th week on.... If only I'd known this wasn't "normal" or "due to her personality"....) We had been in the week before and heard her heartbeat and the last ultrasound showed her testing out her lungs. I went into labor not knowing my baby girl was gone. A still ultrasound screen revealed her death when we arrived at the birth center two hours before her birth. When she was born we saw that the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice.

I think I'm still in shock. And I'm definitely still angry. Heartbroken. I want my daughter more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

I guess the reason I'm writing is because I want to know if anyone else on this forum has experienced a cord-related stillbirth. I just keep wondering if there is anything that could have been done differently.... Perhaps if I hadn't used a midwife--maybe routine ultrasounds would have revealed her stunted growth sooner (she weighed only 4 pounds--likely due to being tied in cord for a while). Maybe an OBGYN would've insisted I take kick counts seriously instead of reassuring me--"all babies are different." You see, I chose a midwife because of this very optimism--the assumption that things will go accordingly; the belief that the woman's body is made for pregnancy and labor; etc--but maybe if I'd gone the more traditional route, the route always on the look out for the next complication--I'd have my baby girl in my arms right now...? I know, maybes don't do anyone any good but....

I guess the reason these questions are haunting me so much right now is because I want desperately to try again. And, when I do, should I do everything differently than I did this time? I know I'm probably the only one who can answer this question, but I'd love to get some input from other voices.

Also, I was researching on the internet and I came across someone's study on "cord-accidents." He said that they are more likely to occur in women who've already experienced one such incident, that they are related to a woman's decreased blood pressure when sleeping. Has anyone heard anything about this??

......







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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

catmuse11, I wish you a warm and gentle welcome to Mothering. My heart is breaking that your daughters death is what brought you here.

I am so VERY sorry about your loss







You're so fresh in your pain and I'm seeing so many emotions in your words. Please know what you're feeling is ok. It's normal to be questioning things as you are. Questioning and searching are a major part of the grief process as is the anger







Feel free to express your feelings here the women here understand and are always here to listen.

I too lost my first child Amanda (10 years ago). She was stillborn at 38 weeks. I did go the hospital rout with all the routine visits and a few altrasounds. In my case, the placenta abrupted and there were several knots in the cord.

From what I've learned there is nothing you could have done. In most cases, they cannot see the entire cord in an ultrasound. Even so, there is little they can do about it.

I know I could tell you over and over that there's nothing you did wrong, there's nothing you could have done to prevent this, but you're still going to have to search for answers - please feel free to lean on us.

Would you like to talk about your daughter here? Many of us have shared our birth stories and talked about our precious babies. We would love to hear about your daughter


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

catmuse,
I am so sorry for your loss. Did you name you daughter?

Your story and mine are very similar. Were you told that the cause of her death was her cord being around her neck? My son's cord was wrapped too (once), but I understand that many babies are born just fine like that, so that it's not a conclusive cause of death. I used midwives as well and was supposed to deliver in a free standing birth center. I did kick counts and everything *seemed* normal to me as well as in all my prenatals.

If you look through the threads here, you'll find that there are a group of us stillbirth mamas who've lost our children in the last month to a little more than a year ago- Wilkers8, jackieg213, iris0110, tinawoman, berkeleyp, hmcp2, just to name of few of us.

Please post here or email any of us if you want to talk about anything at all.

Again, I'm so sorry.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

catmuse...again, I am so sorry honey. I mentioned in another thread that I too lost my daughter in the last month, 37 weeks. She wasn't born still, however she died 6 hours later. I have learned here at MDC that it isn't about whose loss is greater....simply that we are here because our babies have died in one way or another.

You mention still being in shock...I can relate...I think I was still in shock for about 5 weeks...then one morning it all changed...the fog lifted and my feelings were different...not to say they were better or worse...just frickin' different.

Like SweetTeach wrote...there are several mamas here that can relate to exactly what you are going through...please, please, please...lean on us. We are here...we love you, we love your baby. You are wanted and needed here. Please come back soon.























P.S. What is your daughters name? What day was she born? How much did she weigh? How long was she? What does she look like?

Love you mama!!!


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

My neice was born still due to an umbilical cord accident.

Sadly more children are lost due to umbilical cord accidents than SIDS and it pains me that they don't talk about it more. It wasn't your fault...it is an awful thing to feel so powerless about somethings..we can protect our children but not always and not always even in the womb....it isn't fair.

I wish they would do more research on this...why do parents keep suffering with few answers?

Please feel free to vent and discuss your feelings here. That is what we are here for.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Dear catmuse11,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have not experienced a stillbirth, but I wish it would never happen, so very sad, I cannot put it in words.

I understand you questions, though. I've been feeling this need to know more about what goes on in my body, to give me the impression I'm in control, and to also be able to say ' I did everything possible'. Yet, I really don't believe the medical approach truly gives control and reassurance in all cases. The tools, IMHO are still too limited.
I'm pretty convinced that things would not be different had you gone the medical route.

It's such a sad thing, indeed, that you not only have to suffer the horrible loss, but that you also loose trust in your body to do things right without all that medical intervention.
We do what we feel is the right thing to do, we trust our bodies and our instincts, and that should always be better than trusting beeping machines which can only give us an impression of what's going on and are never better than the person using them. Ultimately, even if all the tools are used, it's us, the women, who have to make the decisions based on limited information.

I wish I could write more to help,
take good care,
Beate


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

As you've read in my other post, I follow the doctor route and still lost my son. I don't think I will ever go down the midwife path but I don't want you to assume that had you gone down the doctor path...things would be automatically different. Bad things happen there also.

I could have never imagined being the person, who was responding to someone else's post and feel like I remembered that pain. I guess three months does that to you because I now can read other people's responses and confirm their truth.

Use this forum as much as you want. I was a little nervous about it at first but have found this to be such a huge part of my support system.


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## catmuse11 (Jul 6, 2004)

I just want to thank all of you for reading and responding to my post--and with so much sympathy, kindness, and honesty.

Thank you, Behr, for reminding me to trust my body and my instincts. It's easy to feel like I've been betrayed by my own skin, my own gut, yet reading your gentle reminders feels right, if that makes sense....

Abimommy. I, too, was shocked to learn that umbilical cord accidents are more common than SIDS. I never even thought to be worried about them....Perhaps it wouldn't have done me any good even if I had? I guess none of us who've been touched (scalded, blindsided, heartbroken) by such a tragedy can ever know. Which brings me to your point about research--why isn't more being done? I filled out some online questionaire about stillbirths but it just seemed so incomplete to me. I wanted to tell them about all of the things that have since been haunting me--how after about week 25 she, Saxton Anie, only moved around but no longer kicked me. How I went swimming in a cold, cold lake the week before she died. How often I used my asthma inhaler. How I put my arms above my head (that old wive's tale--) above my head almost every day while doing yoga, watering house plants, hugging my DH.... I read somewhere that some women will put an electric toothbrush by their stomach to encourage baby to move around--did I expose my baby to something similar?

I'm sorry to hear about all of your losses, yet I'm also strangely comforted to know I'm not the only one, that I'm not a lone freak. Although, wouldn't it be a happier planet if I were....

Thank you for asking to hear my daughter's and my story. Sometimes people are too afraid to ask--I guess they don't realize how much it means to me to tell our story, to talk about Saxton. They know the conclusion so I guess they aren't sure if they should ask about the rest of the story. And, I like telling my labor story too. No one ever asks about that--so you're gonna get it here.

My DH and I were lucky enough to conceive the first month we "stopped trying not to." We were elated. I was sure she was going to be a girl. An ultrasound confirmed it at 28 weeks. We named her Saxton Anie. We painted her room. Filled her dresser. Dreamed about holding her. She was never much of a kicker. In fact, besides me, only my DH and old, old friend ever felt her. Hours would pass without me feeling anything, so there were many nights when I'd lay in bed and nudge her, "C'mon, move for your momma." She always would. I'd smile and fall asleep.

The week before she was born, my DH and I went in for our weekly appointment. We'd been nervous because she hadn't been moving too much. We heard her heartbeat and discussed our concerns with our midwife and left feeling rejuvenated. I'd been having diarrhea for 24 hours, Braxton hicks for a week or so and she'd dropped, so we knew she'd be coming soon. Six days later, I passed my mucous plug. My DH and I went for a hike during a thunderstorm and I began having "real" contractions. We went out to dinner and looked at each other in disbelief! We were going to have a baby!!!

I took a bath before bed and my contractions stopped, so I assumed it wasn't the "real" thing yet. Asked DH to put the car seat in Jeep, just in case. I tried sleeping and kept waking my DH up as the contractions woke me. I told him to sleep and I went downstairs to sleep on the couch. I tried timing my contractions, but I'd lose track of the seconds and minutes. I kept running up the stairs during contractions, almost involunatarily. Finally at about 3:00am I began writing down the times. I puked at about 3:45. Told myself I'd wake DH after 3 more contractions. Woke him after 5-6 more. We finished packing our bags. Called midwife. I puked again. We arrived at Birth Center at about 4:45. I was dialated to a 7. The on-call nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. The midwife arrived. She couldn't find it either. They rolled out the ultrasound, and even my untrained eye could see the absence of movement. "I'm not gonna sugar-coat this for you, there's no heartbeat." I slipped officially into trance-mode. I had been committed to a drug-free labor, but in that moment drug's flashed into my mind. I had asked my husband to remind me that the pain was for a good cause, that it would bring me my baby. Now, here I was, in the throes of labor knowing I was going to walk away baby-less. But the contractions kept coming and they seemed to erase all rationalization. Drugs were forgotten but my dead baby was not. When I pushed I screamed as I've never screamed before--a primal, vocal-cord ripping roar that I can still feel in my throat, calling for my baby, screaming for myself and my DH. Two hours after learning about her death, Saxton was born. We held her. Dressed her. Kissed her. Took pictures. Cried for her. Cried for ourselves. Cried for her grandma. Her Auntie. Her cousin. Everyone who loved her already.

Thinking about all this, I feel certain I will return to the same midwife. I hope it will be the right choice. I hope the ending will not come so soon next time. That my DH will have a child to adore. That I will have a child to nurse.

Okay, I've said more than enough for today. We're off to meet our nephew, born 3 days before Saxton. I'm looking forward to it, to the tears I'm sure he'll bring.

Thanks for listening.


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## Eustacia (May 11, 2004)

I am crying and crying with you. Tears are streaming down my cheeks and I wish I could share more with you than just a computer screen. You, Saxton, and your family will stay with me and many others at MDC for a lifetime.

I want to let you know that I, like the others, am here for support. My life was touched by an umbilical cord accident on Thanksgiving 2002 when my dear friend Dee's baby died from a cord that was wrung and wrung -- like the manner in which you would wring a wet towel. I had never even heard of such a devastating biological event. Like wilkers8, my friend was in the hands of a doc the entire time so please do not second guess your route.

We are here for you.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

So sorry for your loss.

I know that nothing any of us says will really make a difference but i just have to tell you that i completely (or at least as completely as another person ever can) understand your feelings. I lost my daughter, Julianna 9 weeks ago yesturday - the most logical explanation is some kind of cord accident but officially her death is a mystery. Her heart stopped just minutes before I pushed her out. I came to this forum just like you did -about two weeks post partem and reading your post is almost like going back in time. I remember feeling exactly how you described your pain. It sucks so bad doesn't it! I too wish each of us was the only one to go through this but at the same time am so happy that we have each other. Please feel free to lean on us as much as you can. I found it really helpful to read through a lot of the posts on this forum. Sorry to meet you this way but welcome.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

My heart is aching for you. I can't count the number of times I have cried in these boards and here I am again. Every story is so tragic and heart breaking you just can't imagine all the research dollars possible not being put into it. Or at least more concern being put into it.

My dd had a short umbilical cord and her cord was in a knot. I nearly lost her during labor because of that, when I went into shock they did a c-section..not a month later was when my SIL lost my neice. Umbilical cord issues are not uncommon..they are terrifying and it drives me insane that more can't be done to prevent this from happening.

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Saxton (such a beautiful name!)...thank you so very much sharing her with us.

Please keep letting us know how you are feeling/doing. We know you will be feeling like crap and doing badly but it might help you to get it out.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I am so very sorry. Your story, like many before you, has brought me to tears.








Lisa


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how devistated you and your family must be. Thank you so much for sharing your birth story. Like all of the others, I had tears running down my face while reading it.







s


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

What a beautiful but heartbreaking story... I'm just in shock. My total condolences to you and DH







I have never come here before but something just told me to do it tonight. I have experienced the pain of the loss of an unborn child but never this.My heart just goes out to you Mama! There are no words, My God...

I know your baby girl is just wonderful so remember your time with her that way.Don't forget her smell, or how soft her little face is. She just passed through here for a moment but remember she still lives. I believe we all live forever, just not on this earth. We spend a time here and then the rest in eternity.She's there waiting for you...

Peace and strength to you Mama


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Dear catmuse,
I am so sorry about your precious daughter Saxton. I lost my daughter almost 1 year ago. It was not due to a cord accident but i have since met several women who have lost their babies due to cord issues. There is nothing I can say that will make it better but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and your daughter will stay in my heart now that we have been introduced. Thank you for sharing her story.
Gossamer


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## pamamidwife (May 7, 2003)

I am so sorry about the loss of Saxton. I cannot even imagine what your world must be like right now.

I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated hearing that you might even use the same mw next time you get pregnant. Midwives grieve, too. I feel like it might be so healing for your mw and you to journey again through pregnancy and birth. Surely she would know you so well and you will have already had a special place in her heart.

Oh, mama. My heart just aches for you. I'm so sorry. Was it determined that a cord incident was the cause? It's not uncommon to have two time cord wraps with healthy babies with no heart rate fluctuations.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your heart is so big - I'd love to see a picture of your beautiful girl if you were wanting to share it.


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## simonee (Nov 21, 2001)

Catmuse I am sooo sooo sorry for you and your dh and Saxton Anie (I love her name btw). I never knew that cord deaths were so common. Why don't we hear about them? Strange, looks like her death is already helping educate others. That's amazing, you must be one very strong woman.

I wish we could all take a little bit of your pain on my shoulders, to ease your terrible pain. This is a very supportive community here of mamas who have lost babies, I hope you will feel supported.
many hugs to you, dear Saxton's mama


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry.







I wish I could have replied earlier, but I have been away from my computer. Stillbirth is devastating, and it bothers me that more isn't done to study it. I to filled out the online questionaire after I lost Arawyn in December. It was a cold bit of comfort really. There were so many other things I wanted to tell them as well. I have often beaten myself up over the things I wish I would have done differently. But in truth I have no way of knowing if this outcome could have been changed. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I didn't lose my daughter to a cord injury, I lost her to chorioamnionitis, but when it comes to providing support, I dont think it makes much difference. Your story is beautiful and tragic and Saxton is such a lovely name. I hope that you can continue to come here and share your journey with us. I am so honored that you chose to share Saxton with us.


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Oh dear catmuse11, thank you so much for sharing the birth story of your sweet daughter Saxton. You were doing everything right, you feel like an allaround great person, and yet this happens.....it is just so *&*@# unfair and cruel. Why does a person have to deal with this incredible thruth.
I'm sending you all of my love and support to be able to live through and with this reality. I wish I could do anything more.
I admire your strength at going to see your nephew and hope it was not too heartbreaking an experience.
Take care!


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry for you and your dh on the loss of Saxton Anie. My second child, Samantha Jean, died of a cord twist right at where her belly button would have been. I identified with so many things in your post. The wanting drugs--I got them everytime I asked for them, no epi for medical reasons, the raw scream as she was born--I scared my dh and made my mother cry, so many things I was back in my own experience in an instant and I am crying for you. If it is any small comfort, cord injuries cannot be detected by US or anything else really. I had a high risk ob/gyn due to early, severe preclampsia in my 1st pg, and had just had a high level US a few weeks earlier that showed nothing wrong. Even in the US that confirmed her death, nothing showed. In short, even with very good, highly medical care, it wasn't detected. She was a very inactive baby anyway, and we thought the less movement was due to her settling in. She had been head down for weeks, and only turned breech when I bent over to pick up a bar of soap the morning that we found out.

Please come here as often as you need. I have gotten so much wonderful support from this board, knowing it is a "safe space" to be whatever I am feeling at the moment. For me, the first few weeks and were especially hard and the grief came in waves, so don't be surprised if your emotions are constantly cycling. I admire you for visiting your nephew so soon, it was months before I could even look at a baby without falling apart. Don't feel badly if you change your mind at the last minute.


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## hmpc2 (Jul 1, 2003)

Catmuse~ I am so sorry to see you have to find us. Hugs to you and your DH. Like SweetTeach and the others...Jackie, Wilkers, Berkley were saying there has been too many off us in the last year that has experienced a stillbirth. You can look through the archives and read my daughters story. She was born still, but died during delivery. She is my first and only. And her death was a cord accident too. She would have been 15 months now, so I have been on this journey of grief for a little while now. I can remember exactly being where you at...and it is SO tough. I have no idea what to say to you. Grief hurts, hurts like hell, then with time it will begin to fade..mine is now just a constant ache. I would recommend to live the pain, embrace it, work with it, cry, scream...do what you need to...because if you try to ignore the pain it only grows bigger and stronger under the surface until you can't ignore it anymore...then it is is even worse than before.

Please know that we are here for you. Thank you for sharing your sweet Saxton with us. She is a lucky girl to have a mama like you. ~Heather


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## catmuse11 (Jul 6, 2004)

Today was my girl's due date. I want to stomp my feet and kick and scream when I think about it too long. It just makes my blood boil (and my heart turn to mush) when I realize I could've still been pregnant--right at this moment--that my baby could've still been alive and well within me. I'm still in denial, I think. There is a hope within me that jumps at anything unexpected. If my mom calls and sounds too happy I find myself thinking: "Maybe she's found a way to fix it??" When I feel "kicks" I think, "Maybe she had a twin? Maybe there's still a live baby inside me."

People have begun asking me what I will do during next pregnancy....Same midwife? etc. I guess I am not ready for these questions, mostly because I am not ready for advice. Because I haven't made up my mind, I'm just not ready to deal with everyone else's suggestions for ensuring a living baby next go around.... On one hand, I WANT to be paranoid, think I SHOULD be paranoid if given another chance. On the other, I want to BELIEVE. Was Saxton's death just a fluke or is there something wrong with me?? We opted not to have an autopsy as a knee-jerk reaction, I think now.... I wanted to worry about breast-feeding and sleepless nights, not how my baby's body would be cared for *%! [email protected]!! Now, thinking about becoming pregnant again, I worry that we made the wrong decision. Would an autopsy have told us why she died or would we be the 40-50 % who never know regardless?? I want to believe it was the cord, that the chances of it reoccurring are slim, but what if I live to regret this optimism???? Should I be signing myself up for the "high-risk" route or should I stick with the midwife I've come to love? (I guess I'm still struggling with the same basic issue I was struggling with when I first came to this site.... Trust or play defense? Is it negligent not to?) I guess I'm here, asking advice from strangers who've "been there before" because it seems safer than allowing my loved ones to give their two cents, to give me their vote and then perhaps be disappointed if I go the other route....

Help!?


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## DesireeH (Mar 22, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss, mama.







You will definately be in my thoughts.....

When I was 10 years old (in 1990) my mom lost my 3rd brother, Jevin, at 40 weeks during labor. He had the cord around his neck twice and a knot in it. He was the only baby born under the care of an OB in the hospital (the rest of us in birth center or the hippie dr's home). Even with all the technology available, he still could not be saved. Please know that there was nothing you could do. It is NOT fair that these things happen. I am so sorry.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Catmuse-
I know you are missing Saxton right now something awful. It is so unfair!

You might find the comments on this thread helpful- I have many of the same questions and concerns as you.

thread about care after pg loss


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