# I went OFF on a lady at Sam's Club yesterday



## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

I'm still not sure how I feel about my behavior. On one hand I feel badly for yelling at her, especially in front of my son, but on the other hand...maybe she'll think twice before making nasty comments.









The scene: We had just gotten done shopping at Wal-Mart (save the flames) and I had 10 minutes till Sam's Club closed. I left my teens at the van to load the groceries and ran into SC with my 3-year-old. He was very upset that he couldn't stay with his older brother and sister and began throwing a fit. Yelling, hollering, waving his hands, etc. all the while walking beside my cart. I needed 3 items, and we were in there literally less than 5 minutes (not going wasn't an option; it's a 45 minute drive one-way). Obviously I tried to comfort him and told him that I understood he was upset, etc. but that he couldn't stay with my older children because it wasn't safe.

As I was checking out, the cashier just smiled and gave me a sympathetic look. As I was beginning to walk out, my son refused to walk any further for just a moment and was crying. I walked on about 5 feet to see if he would follow, then went back and picked him up. (he was by NO means hysterically throwing a fit, wasn't fighting me, etc....just crying).

As I was walking with him, we passed an older lady who says (to herself) *just* loud enough for me to hear, "He needs his butt smacked."






















:







Umm, what?!

I rounded on her and said, "WHAT did you say?"

She kind of backed up a bit and repeated that he needed his butt smacked.

At this time, I kid you not, everyone around us just stopped and watched. You could have heard a pin drop.

I put my finger in her face and said (loudly) "I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!"

She didn't have a reply.









I turned and walked off, and on the way out, a SC employee who had been in front of us (and who had turned to watch) apologized to me.

Whew. I am still furious when I think of that lady. Has anyone else ever had something like this happen?

edit: "Older" does not mean "elderly/frail/ect" - in this case it meant early a lady in her early 50s, so please don't worry that I shouted at some elderly woman three years off the grave.


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## FullMetalMom (Aug 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
"I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!"


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

Quote:

I put my finger in her face and said (loudly) "I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!"








:







:

I can't imagine the look on her face!


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
I put my finger in her face and said (loudly) "I think YOU need YOUR butt

I love it!!


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

Nice concise reply!


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## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
I put my finger in her face and said (loudly) "I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!"










Fabulous.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

One concice sentence is not "going OFF on a lady" IMO. You didn't go on a tirade for the next 5-10 minutes screaming a string of obscenties at her, and nobody had to come and "break it up".

I bet that lady thinks twice before making comments like that in the future.


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)




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## LiamnEmma (Nov 20, 2001)

Except for the finger in her face part (no judgment intended, my finger points out far more often than is absolutely necessary







), that if ROFLMAO funny and good!


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## MadiMamacita (Jan 29, 2006)

I LOVE IT!
I wish I had been there. I never have the wherewithall to say what I'd really like to say in situations like that!
I'm sure its not something you are really proud of (losing composure in front of DS) but I think it's great! And I HOPE that busy body lady thinks twice before advocating for abusing a child again! Bravo mama!


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## PretzelMama (Apr 19, 2009)

I wish I had been there to see it!


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## dianakaye (Mar 20, 2009)

I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do/say something like that!


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

Totally appropriate response on your part.


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## Amandamanda (Sep 29, 2007)

amazing!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

that is not "going off on someone" . that was freaking brilliant.


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## Pumpkin_Pie (Oct 10, 2006)

I absolutely agree, 100%! That is the single most perfect thing you could have said to her. I am always thinking of perfect responses to things like that about a day after it happens. Good for you for speaking up for you and your son and for preventing another mama from hearing her ignorant comments on a nother day. Bravo!!!


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
One concice sentence is not "going OFF on a lady" IMO. You didn't go on a tirade for the next 5-10 minutes screaming a string of obscenties at her, and nobody had to come and "break it up".

I bet that lady thinks twice before making comments like that in the future.

This would be "going off" on someone for me. I'm very introverted, a peace-keeper and generally don't like to stir things up. Generally, I would have later on had a conversation with my DD about other peoples' rude comments (if she'd heard it) rather than zinging one at someone, but sometimes I wish I did just say something.

I think this was AWESOME!


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## mary11223 (Aug 28, 2009)

i agree with what you said!! an awesome comeback.
something similar happened to me. I was in a babies clothing store shopping for my daughter as i was shopping, my daughter started crying so i tried to comfort her and it wasn't working so i went the ladies room to nurse her. As i get out i hear an older lady telling a worker oh people shouldn't bring there screaming babies to a store its so rude! I wish i had spoken up to her but instead i ignored it. Its a clothing store for kids what does she expect!!!


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## mummyofan (Jun 25, 2008)

I'm proud of you, Mama

I once said to an older lady who said to me on seeing both my children wanting me at the same time in Nordstrom whilst visiting San Fran;
Rather you than me - said with an unappreciative look in my direction, tut tutting quietly....
I said I'd rather be me than you, too. Much.

I felt great for days afterwards.

well done, not going off at all, perfect.


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## aja-belly (Oct 7, 2004)

wow, how rude of her! and after the news story this week about that guy in walmart i imagine i would have a difficult time being civil to someone who said something like that about my kid.


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## kimiij (Jun 18, 2006)

awesome!


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

I guess for me it would depend on whether or not my child heard her or not. If he did hear her, then I'd do something about it. If not, then I really don't see a reason to get so upset about it. The elderly lady was expressing an opinion that she probably should have kept to herself, but, unless the comment hurt the child, throwing it back at her doesn't serve much purpose (except for possibly feeling self-righteous about it).

Even if the comment did hurt the child, I'd probably just explain later that the lady probably has a lot of anger that she doesn't know what to do with and hearing a child crying in a store seemed to make the anger flare up, for whatever reason.

This is just the way I go about life, though. I guess you could call me a pacifist...I simply like to look at it as trying my best to understand myself and other people in order to be as compassionate as possible.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

1. You'll get NO flames from me for shopping at WalMart. We save over $100/ week by doing our grocery shopping there, so anyway...

2. I love your retort. You did AWESOME!!!!!


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Can I just say that I see no problem leaving a three year old in a car for 5 minutes with his teenage siblings.


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## Pam_and_Abigail (Dec 2, 2002)

WTG Mama!!!!!


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## major_mama11 (Apr 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
"I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!"


Wow. This just made my day. You are my hero.


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## Limabean1975 (Jan 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
that is not "going off on someone" . that was freaking brilliant.









:


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## Ruthie's momma (May 2, 2008)

Awesome response!


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## Epona (Jul 20, 2009)

I LOVE it.


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
Can I just say that I see no problem leaving a three year old in a car for 5 minutes with his teenage siblings.

That was my first thought- then it was followed by thinking that this woman now has someone to 'blame' for your child being at the end of his rope.

*shrug*

I generally try not to add fuel to the fire with that sort of situation. I can certainly appreciate your response, and don't see it as wrong at all- it just isn't the path I would have taken because I'm not outspoken.


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
Can I just say that I see no problem leaving a three year old in a car for 5 minutes with his teenage siblings.

Oh, I don't either, normally. However, both of my teens were OUTSIDE of the van busy loading groceries, and my 3-year-old wanted to stand in the busy parking lot with them. I didn't trust the safety of the situation, and I don't think most people would.







Sorry that wasn't clear from my post.

Thanks for the support, mamas. I was kind of wishing I'd delivered some long lecture to her about how wrong spanking is, but maybe something short and sweet was the best way to go after all.

She's probably gone around since then though telling everyone she knows about how rude some lady was to her at Sam's Club.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I am guessing that she wasn't ready to be re-educated about spanking. It wasn't really a teachable moment for her. What she needed was to be clearly shown how innapropriate her comment was - and you did just that!


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Honestly? Best response I've ever heard to a comment like that. I mean, it probably would have been "better" to ignore her, or calmly ask her to keep her comments to herself - but, jeez, I think what you said probably had more impact.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *expatmommy* 
I am guessing that she wasn't ready to be re-educated about spanking. It wasn't really a teachable moment for her. What she needed was to be clearly shown how innapropriate her comment was - and you did just that!

You said what I meant.


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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

I wish I could be as clear-minded as you were during that moment. Usually I come up with that kind of response later.


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## xbabymamax (Jun 19, 2005)

Everytime I think about what you said, I laugh. hahahah!

Seriously. What is it about old people and loving to be snooty about children and babies???

Children are people, too!!


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## MommyKelly (Jun 6, 2009)

I had a lady in walmart years ago told me that my the 3 yo autistic son who was having a small meltdown in the cart "Needed to learn some manners"

I FREAKED. I told her she needed to learn some manners, and how dare her make a comment to a stranger about her child she knows nothing about. Then I went on a rant about how he hates it there because of the lighting and how she really needs to MHOB. I turned around and Dh had took off. LOL

Another time, same store ( I no longer go there.LOL ) a elderly woman, looked at same DS who had a pacifier. It was the only thing that calmed him with his sensory overload. She looked at him and told hr Dh " Thats just gross"
So I again let her know whats truly gross is commenting on somes child you know nothing about.

So I feel ya Mama. People really need to MTOB.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

That sure was quick thinking, OP!


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

I am sorry but I think by replying loudly like that you were just as rude as she was and it wouldn't have achieved much but maybe made you look foolish for yelling at an old lady "I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!".

She had no right to make the comment but maybe as an older lady that was the way she was raised. (That dose not make smacking ok)

It might have made you feel good for a little while but in my opinion your no better than her.


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## caitsaunt (May 6, 2009)

You really just made me day with that!!


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
Oh, I don't either, normally. However, both of my teens were OUTSIDE of the van busy loading groceries, and my 3-year-old wanted to stand in the busy parking lot with them. I didn't trust the safety of the situation, and I don't think most people would.







Sorry that wasn't clear from my post.

Thanks for the support, mamas. I was kind of wishing I'd delivered some long lecture to her about how wrong spanking is, but maybe something short and sweet was the best way to go after all.

She's probably gone around since then though telling everyone she knows about how rude some lady was to her at Sam's Club.










I was picturing them sitting in the van with the radio blasting. Kind of like mine does







. Yeah, that's different.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I think you did a great job.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *baltic_ballet* 
It might have made you feel good for a little while but in my opinion your no better than her.

Well, I can't speak for the OP -- but it's not my goal in life to be "better" than anyone else anyway. I'm perfectly happy to just be equal members of the human race.

OP -- great comeback!

We were recently at a coffee house gathering, outdoors on the patio, and my 4yo was playing with some of her little animal toys at the table.

She does have a tendency to squeal kind of shrilly sometimes doing this (acting out all the different animals' parts you know, she gets really into it) -- and I'm afraid I'm so used to it I sometimes zone it out and don't notice, specially when I'm talking with other people.

Well, I suddenly hear this older lady further down the table (3 tables pushed together to make 1 long table) yelling, "HEY! Knock it off!" And I look at her and see that she's glaring right at my dd. I was so taken aback, me and dh both, we just felt like leaving.

Dd seemed to just kind of stay in her little world playing, and not to be affected by the lady's raging rudeness.

This other couple who knew the lady better urged us to stay, and the husband quietly told me, "She's grouchy." We stayed a little longer but then decided to call it a night.

I wish I'd thought of some clever comeback -- but I did feel kind of sorry for the woman, since she was using a walker and seemed to be in some physical pain. I guess she was just expecting an adult gathering and it grated on her nerves to have an exuberant child nearby.


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## baglady (Jul 13, 2009)

That sounds like a really nicely controlled response to me. One short sentence is definitely better than a long lecture. Great job thinking on the spot.









Maybe she'll keep her mouth shut next time.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

lmao, that's awesome, mama!
i bet she won't be so fast to say something like that ever again!


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## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

Great response op!

I kind of think that some people are rude bc no one ever stands up to them. Maybe someone should every once in a while. BTW, there are lots of people raised w/differing opinions than others. To judgmentally voice them to strangers is something more than just being raised w/a different opinion.

I am all for peace in the world and loving my neighbor but if you put something out there expect if to be returned to you KWIM?


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *baltic_ballet* 
I am sorry but I think by replying loudly like that you were just as rude as she was and it wouldn't have achieved much but maybe made you look foolish for yelling at an old lady "I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!".

She had no right to make the comment but maybe as an older lady that was the way she was raised. (That dose not make smacking ok)

It might have made you feel good for a little while but in my opinion your no better than her.

I agree. While I disagree with what the older lady said to you I don't see how being equally rude back is okay, especially if your child heard what you said.


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## not now (Mar 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *baltic_ballet* 
I am sorry but I think by replying loudly like that you were just as rude as she was and it wouldn't have achieved much but maybe made you look foolish for yelling at an old lady "I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!".

She had no right to make the comment but maybe as an older lady that was the way she was raised. (That dose not make smacking ok)

It might have made you feel good for a little while but in my opinion your no better than her.

I agree with that. I'm kinda appalled that you almost seem proud of that comment and that you're getting so many praises. This board talks heaps about respecting children and teaching them respect. Speaking to an old lady like that and sticking your finger in her face? Not respectful, not any way to talk to adult who you don't know nor will probably never see again. I know we all get that mama bear instinct but she made a comment in passing, she didn't threaten your child. Yes I know hitting is violent but she wasn't forcing you to do it, she was expressing her opinion. Just because someone is rude to you doesn't mean you have to be rude back. It's not like she was following you telling you what to do. It was what, a few seconds in passing? Why waste the energy to say something back? Personally, it's not worth my time.

Had you said something to her calmly about not hitting children I would be applauding you but not this.

And yes, complete strangers have made snide comments about me, my child and how I raise him. I shrug my shoulders and keep walking because it's not worth it.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I dunno - I'm of the opinion that rudeness sometimes deserves to be met with rudeness. And since the woman didn't think it was such a rude thing to say about a child, I think it would be hypocritical of her to feel that the OP was being rude to her by turning her words back on her. If she did recognize rudness in the OP's behavior, then maybe she actually learned a lesson.


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

I think you were just as rude as her, and you did it in front of your child. If you don't believe that hitting is appropriate for your child, then why in heaven's name would it be appropriate to hit an elderly woman?

I would of just rolled my eyes at her, and then calmly explained to my child that we would never do that, as I don't hit people--young or old.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why everyone here thinks you did the right thing.

I am certainly not perfect and have lost my cool at times, but I always feel appropriately chagrined after the fact--and will even tell my kids "momma should not have said that...".


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## prettypixels (Apr 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
I think you were just as rude as her, and you did it in front of your child. If you don't believe that hitting is appropriate for your child, then why in heaven's name would it be appropriate to hit an elderly woman?

I would of just rolled my eyes at her, and then calmly explained to my child that we would never do that, as I don't hit people--young or old.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why everyone here thinks you did the right thing.

I am certainly not perfect and have lost my cool at times, but I always feel appropriately chagrined after the fact--and will even tell my kids "momma should not have said that...".

Because this old lady took a nasty pot shot at a mama who was having a rough moment, that's why. This mom was wrestling her upset 3 year old while figuring out how to deal with this unwelcome comment to HIT her CHILD. No, it's not the same, and I think that this old lady is lucky she ran into the OP. My words probably would not have been this kind. If you are seeking kindness in your life, perhaps you shouldn't run around suggesting people hit defenseless little children.


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prettypixels* 
Because this old lady took a nasty pot shot at a mama who was having a rough moment, that's why. This mom was wrestling her upset 3 year old while figuring out how to deal with this unwelcome comment to HIT her CHILD. No, it's not the same, and I think that this old lady is lucky she ran into the OP. My words probably would not have been this kind. If you are seeking kindness in your life, perhaps you shouldn't run around suggesting people hit defenseless little children.

Sometimes the elderly do say things that seem inappropriate. There could be many reasons for this, even mental health reasons. I am seeking kindness in my life, and I would never suggest that people should hit defenseless children--just as I would never suggest hitting anyone.

I just think two wrongs don't make a right. I can see you don't agree with me...and that's okay. I was just expressing my opinion about it. I think that what the older woman said was inappropriate, but the response that the OP gave could have been better. Threatening to hit anyone is never the answer in my mind.

Take care,
Lisa


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *xbabymamax* 
Everytime I think about what you said, I laugh. hahahah!

Yeah, me, too!

Good one!!!

I can't help it, now I'm hoping I'll have some future occasion during which I can use that one, too!! LMAO!


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prettypixels* 
Because this old lady took a nasty pot shot at a mama who was having a rough moment, that's why. This mom was wrestling her upset 3 year old while figuring out how to deal with this unwelcome comment to HIT her CHILD. No, it's not the same, and I think that this old lady is lucky she ran into the OP. My words probably would not have been this kind. If you are seeking kindness in your life, perhaps you shouldn't run around suggesting people hit defenseless little children.

Yes, I agree. It's okay to stick up for yourself a little bit, and I don't believe in letting the elderly off the hook, either. Plus, the OP said she was "older", I believe.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I didn't see where the OP threatened to hit anyone. She took the lady's inappropriate comment and demonstrated exactly why it was inappropriate. I don't think anyone in that store thought the OP was going to hit the lady (or even seriously suggesting that someone else do it), but the woman clearly thought it would have been just fine, and even appropriate and The Right Thing To Do, for someone to hit a little boy. Maybe the lady learned a lesson from the experience, maybe she didn't. But I suspect she left understanding that at least one person saw how inappropriate what she said was, and at least one person wasn't going to put up with her crap withou comment. The natural consequence of being nasty and rude is people being nasty right back to you.


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## newmum35 (Aug 16, 2007)

ROFL







I'm glad I wasn't there to overhear. I would have died laughing. Seriously.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Go you!
Go the SC employee who apologized!
I fist-pumped when I read what you did.

So awesome. So perfect. Perfect thing to say, perfect place to stop. 100% win.

And if I'd been there IRL, I would've gone to that UAV and told her that you were perfectly right and that she didn't want to end up a felon like that UAV who hit a toddler.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
One concice sentence is not "going OFF on a lady" IMO. You didn't go on a tirade for the next 5-10 minutes screaming a string of obscenties at her, and nobody had to come and "break it up".









:
I have to say I was a bit disappointed, although, again, what you did say was utterly perfect. But I was looking forward to reading a bit of a rant.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Oh, and you have, of course, explained to your three year old now that he's not melting down that it's wrong to smack anyone? It would have been idiotic to try to explain that to him in the middle of his meltdown at the store, but it is something that should be reinforced since he was exposed to that wicked woman's ideas.


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## inkedmamajama (Jan 3, 2003)




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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

wow this thread has really surprised me.

i am in the OP was rude too club.

both of you are in the same camp. old strongly believes a child should be smacked. you strongly believe they should not. both of you had strong beliefs. and both of you are creatures of your times. old lady grew up with smacking. you didnt.

honestly i find your comment ruder than old lady's. i have worked with old people so perhaps i am sensitive to their situation. they are mostly - not all - ignored lonely people left by society to die. does it mean they have to be rude. no of course not. but does it mean we as the younger generation should have some sympathy for them. absolutely!!!!

it was a situation which i would never wish my child to know about. i would absolutely not want her to imagine her mom could go off that way. esp. when i am showing her that everyone has a mouth and has the right to say what they want. but its upto us to control ourselves. just coz others cant doesnt mean we join them.

please know OP i come with utmost support for you. i kinda have been in teh same boat with a 3 year old on the floor screaming fit. i have faced some similar comments. now if you had said, smacking the butt does not solve any problems - now yeah that would have been perfect.

but your comment was just plain rude. it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. your comment achieved nothing except for you venting. not that it was meant to.

so in my books if you regret those words then totally i agree with you.


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
I'm still not sure how I feel about my behavior. On one hand I feel badly for yelling at her, especially in front of my son, but on the other hand...maybe she'll think twice before making nasty comments.










I don't feel good after engaging in "eye for an eye" behavior-you can certainly encounter all kinds of crazy out there though, and we're only human.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
The natural consequence of being nasty and rude is people being nasty right back to you.


But how is this going to help the situation? instead of the op remaining calm which would have help her child calm down, she yelled at another person.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *not now* 
Had you said something to her calmly about not hitting children I would be applauding you but not this.

I agree







I don't get why the members here are applauding the op being rude and in my opinion humiliating another adult.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
Well, I can't speak for the OP -- but it's not my goal in life to be "better" than anyone else anyway. I'm perfectly happy to just be equal members of the human race.


It not a matter of being better than another person it knowing how to treat others; yes the snide comment from the old lady was wrong but so was yelling rudely at another human being.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
Even if the comment did hurt the child, I'd probably just explain later that the lady probably has a lot of anger that she doesn't know what to do with and hearing a child crying in a store seemed to make the anger flare up, for whatever reason.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *baltic_ballet* 
It might have made you feel good for a little while but in my opinion your no better than her.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I agree. While I disagree with what the older lady said to you I don't see how being equally rude back is okay, especially if your child heard what you said.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *not now* 
I agree with that. I'm kinda appalled that you almost seem proud of that comment and that you're getting so many praises. This board talks heaps about respecting children and teaching them respect. Speaking to an old lady like that and sticking your finger in her face? Not respectful, not any way to talk to adult who you don't know nor will probably never see again. I know we all get that mama bear instinct but she made a comment in passing, she didn't threaten your child. Yes I know hitting is violent but she wasn't forcing you to do it, she was expressing her opinion. Just because someone is rude to you doesn't mean you have to be rude back. It's not like she was following you telling you what to do. It was what, a few seconds in passing? Why waste the energy to say something back? Personally, it's not worth my time.

Had you said something to her calmly about not hitting children I would be applauding you but not this.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
I think you were just as rude as her, and you did it in front of your child. If you don't believe that hitting is appropriate for your child, then why in heaven's name would it be appropriate to hit an elderly woman?

I would of just rolled my eyes at her, and then calmly explained to my child that we would never do that, as I don't hit people--young or old.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why everyone here thinks you did the right thing.

I am certainly not perfect and have lost my cool at times, but I always feel appropriately chagrined after the fact--and will even tell my kids "momma should not have said that...".


Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
Sometimes the elderly do say things that seem inappropriate. There could be many reasons for this, even mental health reasons. I am seeking kindness in my life, and I would never suggest that people should hit defenseless children--just as I would never suggest hitting anyone.

I just think two wrongs don't make a right. I can see you don't agree with me...and that's okay. I was just expressing my opinion about it. I think that what the older woman said was inappropriate, but the response that the OP gave could have been better. Threatening to hit anyone is never the answer in my mind.

Forgive me for quoting so much. . .but I agree with these poster's comments. It is never okay to speak to another person the way you spoke to that woman. You took away an opportunity to educate your child about how people should speak with one another. There will always be ignorant people with regards to gentle parenting, natural living, etc. . . we should take moments to educate not only the other person (if it's the appropriate moment) but our children in proper responses, actions, etc. . .


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## Medusa (Mar 25, 2004)

People who make nasty judgemental comments like this older lady do it because they think they can get away with it. Most people will quietly rush away and leave jerks feeling that they've won some victory.

I'm not a believer in "turn the other cheek", I'm more a "don't dish if you can't take it" person.

We live in a society where the craziest, rudest person in the room takes control and everyone else sits back and tries not to make a scene, frankly I'm sick to death of that dynamic.

Speak up! If nothing else a calm "that was inappropriate" or "mind your own business" is never out of place. Neither is the op's reply.


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Sorry to burst the bubble of those of you who are picturing me screaming at a frail 80-year-old lady! I said "older." Umm, she was in her *early 50s*, tops.









Whether you agree or disagree with what I said is fine - I didn't ask for your opinion of my behavior (though I understand I invited it by posting my story). What I *did* ask for was stories from others who have been in that situation. Nowhere in my post did I state that I thought I was "better than" the lady who was rude to me.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Yes, I've had it happen - at least 4 times that I can clearly remember.

Ds is aspergers and when he was 2-3 the tantrums were just awful. He got over stimulated in stores and hated transitions. Yeah, we got those comments - we live in the deep south and nearly everyone spanks. It's their answer to everything. I was once even told to go get a switch.







:

I'm sure this thread has taken a different direction (since it's 4 pages!) but wanted to share that yes, I've been there. Don't think I ever snapped back, but I most certainly understand WANTING to. It's just awful to be dealing with your child, trying to get out of a store and have some stranger tell you to hit them. OP, I understand where you are coming from.


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
I think you were just as rude as her, and you did it in front of your child. If you don't believe that hitting is appropriate for your child, then why in heaven's name would it be appropriate to hit an elderly woman?

*I would of just rolled my eyes at her, and then calmly explained to my child that we would never do that, as I don't hit people--young or old.*

I cannot for the life of me figure out why everyone here thinks you did the right thing.

I am certainly not perfect and have lost my cool at times, but I always feel appropriately chagrined after the fact--and will even tell my kids "momma should not have said that...".

I agree with an older person, I generally just smile and ignore when they say something and let it go. I am not getting into an argument or extended discussion about parenting to prove a point. Where is the kindness or humanity in that?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
Sometimes the elderly do say things that seem inappropriate. There could be many reasons for this, even mental health reasons. I am seeking kindness in my life, and I would never suggest that people should hit defenseless children--just as I would never suggest hitting anyone.

I just think two wrongs don't make a right. I can see you don't agree with me...and that's okay. I was just expressing my opinion about it. I think that what the older woman said was inappropriate, but the response that the OP gave could have been better. Threatening to hit anyone is never the answer in my mind.

Take care,
Lisa

Exactly. At one point in my career, I worked with the elderly who were living in low income housing and learned so many are isolated and yes, they sometimes say inappropriate things.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
wow this thread has really surprised me.

i am in the OP was rude too club.

both of you are in the same camp. old strongly believes a child should be smacked. you strongly believe they should not. both of you had strong beliefs. and both of you are creatures of your times. old lady grew up with smacking. you didnt.

honestly i find your comment ruder than old lady's. i have worked with old people so perhaps i am sensitive to their situation. they are mostly - not all - ignored lonely people left by society to die. does it mean they have to be rude. no of course not. but does it mean we as the younger generation should have some sympathy for them. absolutely!!!!

it was a situation which i would never wish my child to know about. i would absolutely not want her to imagine her mom could go off that way. esp. when i am showing her that everyone has a mouth and has the right to say what they want. but its upto us to control ourselves. just coz others cant doesnt mean we join them.

please know OP i come with utmost support for you. i kinda have been in teh same boat with a 3 year old on the floor screaming fit. i have faced some similar comments. now if you had said, smacking the butt does not solve any problems - now yeah that would have been perfect.

but your comment was just plain rude. it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. your comment achieved nothing except for you venting. not that it was meant to.

so in my books if you regret those words then totally i agree with you.

This post really resonated with me, I understand that as AP parents our Mama Bear instinct is strong but can we not realize that one day the very parenting styles we embrace may be out of style. One day we may be that older woman trying to say something nice only to get our heads bitten off...I have seen in my own family older folks essentially put out to pasture by the young.

I understand the OP was in a frustrated moment but I guess I see it as a moment where I would have said with a smile, nah a swat would only make things worse and went about my day. I also think that for my kids I would want to model being respectful of others even when we are not in agreement.

Shay


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

edit: I'm going on about my day now and leaving my thread in the dust.







I think that some of the comments aren't even dealing with the situation that actually happened, and that isn't helpful. Have a good day, everyone.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

And I'm sorry, but this wasn't a person "trying to say something nicely only to get her head bitten off." And she definately wasn't an elderly, isolated, confused lady. She was a person who made a mean comment just for the sake of saying so. Call me rude if you will (and I agree that I *was* rude, hence being torn about my behavior as I stated in my OP), but I can't wrap my head around how this older lady rude to me in Sam's Club has turned into a nice elderly lady just trying to help me out with her sage wisdom. I guess that's the power of a message board!









We don't believe in hitting ANYone, child and adult alike. THat is why I wouldn't have said what you said. I might have said something about how she was rude, but not that she should be smacked. because really, I wouldn't think she should be. Neither my child nor a woman in the store deserve to be struck, especially for only 'saying' something.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

edit: I'm going on about my day now and leaving my thread in the dust.







I think that some of the comments aren't even dealing with the situation that actually happened, and that isn't helpful. Have a good day, everyone.

For the record nobody (including those of us who thought your reaction was rude) said the lady was just a sweet old lady just trying to give you some advice, we all stated that what she said was rude but in some members opinion it didn't justify you being rude in return.

I am sorry you feel your thread didn't go the way you hope it would.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

edit: I'm going on about my day now and leaving my thread in the dust.







I think that some of the comments aren't even dealing with the situation that actually happened, and that isn't helpful. Have a good day, everyone.

To be honest, I don't really understand posting something like this publicly if you only expect congratulatory comments. Obviously, not everyone is going to agree with everything that we all do. If you only want positive feedback, maybe you should only tell your closest friends about stuff like this.









As for everyone who is worried about the example that was set for the child, I seriously doubt that a bawling 3yo even had the presence of mind to listen to the comments that were made. IME, upset children often don't even hear you when you speak directly TO them.

Personally, I wouldn't have done what you did. I would have told her that I wasn't interested in her parenting advice, and that's about all. And yes, I have dealt with an out-of-control 3yo in public places. DS1 was a hellion, and I was often alone with him AND a baby when their dad was on deployment.

What you did was reactionary and human, but not necessarily a good thing.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:

Originally Posted by operamommy
*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

And I'm sorry, but this wasn't a person "trying to say something nicely only to get her head bitten off." And she definately wasn't an elderly, isolated, confused lady. *She was a person who made a mean comment just for the sake of saying so.* Call me rude if you will (and I agree that I *was* rude, hence being torn about my behavior as I stated in my OP), but I can't wrap my head around how this older lady rude to me in Sam's Club has turned into a nice elderly lady just trying to help me out with her sage wisdom. I guess that's the power of a message board!
I guess what I don't understand is the bolded part - if that is what really bothered you then why did you turn the tables and do the same exact thing back at her? I have certainly met people in my 7 plus years as a mom that have felt the need to give unwanted advice (especially people who feel the need to tell kids that they are too old for pacifier/thumb sucking and tell said child how they feel) but getting into a shouting match with these advice-givers never helps the situation and only lowers you to the other person's level.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I guess what I don't understand is the bolded part - if that is what really bothered you then why did you turn the tables and do the same exact thing back at her? I have certainly met people in my 7 plus years as a mom that have felt the need to give unwanted advice (especially people who feel the need to tell kids that they are too old for pacifier/thumb sucking and tell said child how they feel) but getting into a shouting match with these advice-givers never helps the situation and only lowers you to the other person's level.

I don't think a retort to someone's rude comment is rude just for the sake of being rude. It's letting someone know, in no uncertain circumstances, that what they said was inappropriate and uncalled for.


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## njkarin (Aug 25, 2009)

I think your response is great.







People really need to mind their own business when it comes to other people's kids and you totally called her out! Awesome.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

While I can think of something else the OP could have said to the woman, I don't believe that being older means that you can get away with being rude and nasty. Even if you have pain, dementia, or alzheimer's. Now, someone who is in the end stages of these mental disorders and who truly does not know what they are doing, I would not say much to. But, IMHO, those who are that far gone are usually not out in public anyway.

My FIL was in the beginning stages of Alzheimers when he died. The entire family tiptoed around him, coddled him, and allowed him to get away with really rude behavior. I did not. He was rude to MIL. Once, when we evacuated to SIL's house in GA, for a hurricane, he wanted to turn off the A/C and wear shorts, instead of putting on some long pants to keep warm. I was pregnant, and there were 10 people in the house during a storm. I would have gotten sick. I told DH that if they did that to me, to please FIL, I would sleep in the van.

Another time, he YELLED at me over moving something out of his way so he could sit down. It was the second time that day that he decided to SCREAM at me. I told him, politely, but firmly, "You may be allowed to scream and holler at your wife and kids, but you WILL NOT yell at me or my children again. If you have a problem with me, or my kids, you can speak to me like an adult." Guess what? He never pulled that crap again, at least with me.

My son has Autism. Therefore, he can be unpredictable. However, I do not allow him to just run wild, say and do whatever the heck he wants. Why should an older person be allowed to do the same, just because he/she is older?

I live in Florida. The elderly abound. And let me tell you, some of them think that, just because they are older, that we younger folks should cowtow to them.

Once, an old man made a snide remark about my son (autism) who was having a meltdown and who we were trying to get out of the store as fast as we could. I told DH to take the kids on to the car. I told that older man. "My son has a developmental disorder called Autism. Sometimes, he is unable to express himself in an age-apprpropriate manner. He is not doing this to bother you on purpose." He said, " If that were my kid, I would spank his butt." I told him, "Yes, and if I did, you would be the first to call DCF on me. Maybe you should learn more about developmental disorders before you spout off your mouth next time. Good day." And then I left.

Takin up for yourself is not rude. Being older does not mean that others have to let you run your mouth and be nasty.


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## Honey693 (May 5, 2008)

This cracked me up. I'm putting it in my file to say next time some incredibly rude person feels the need to comment on my parenting in public.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Being respectful and showing respect to other ppl (regardless of age) does not mean you have to be a doormat.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
I think you were just as rude as her, and you did it in front of your child. If you don't believe that hitting is appropriate for your child, then why in heaven's name would it be appropriate to hit an elderly woman?

I would of just rolled my eyes at her, and then calmly explained to my child that we would never do that, as I don't hit people--young or old.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why everyone here thinks you did the right thing.

I am certainly not perfect and have lost my cool at times, but I always feel appropriately chagrined after the fact--and will even tell my kids "momma should not have said that...".


I have to agree with this. Many ways to address this situation without being inflammatory.....for example:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
Once, an old man made a snide remark about my son (autism) who was having a meltdown and who we were trying to get out of the store as fast as we could. I told DH to take the kids on to the car. I told that older man. "My son has a developmental disorder called Autism. Sometimes, he is unable to express himself in an age-apprpropriate manner. He is not doing this to bother you on purpose." He said, " If that were my kid, I would spank his butt." I told him, "Yes, and if I did, you would be the first to call DCF on me. Maybe you should learn more about developmental disorders before you spout off your mouth next time. Good day." And then I left.

Takin up for yourself is not rude. Being older does not mean that others have to let you run your mouth and be nasty.

This is great. Not rude or in the person's face, but strong, confident, and putting light on how rude the other person was.

I'm not sure what I would have done, but there are a lot of options between
"turn the other cheek/walk away and let the rude person "get away with it" "
and
"get in their face and give it back to them".

How would I want my kids to respond in a situation like this? I defintely don't want them getting in someone's face, especially if the person is no real physical threat to them and is only beign verbally rude. I'd want my kid to walk away, or make a calm, confident statement and walk away - not get in the person's face.

OP, I saw you said you were leaving the thread, but anyway - I've been where you are - my daughter can be QUITE vocal and physican when she's emotionally/physically spent,and I've gotten the looks - I haven't heard anyone say anything to me, but I'm sure people have commented. I just don't see the value in dishing back at rude people....if anything, you gave her even MORE ammunition to go tell her friends, "and then the mom got in my face and YELLED at me! She was probably never spanked either, that's what's so wrong with families, blah blah blah....." I'm sorry you were having a rough time and your kiddo was too; the woman was COMPLETELY out of line.

It's not about being better than someone, or letting people 'get away with' anything; to me, it's about thinking about how I'd want my kids to act in a situation, and acting that way. I am all for standing up for yourself and your family, but not in this particular manner.


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## mystic~mama (Apr 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Epona* 







I LOVE it.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

Wow, I wish I had the balls to say ANYTHING, let alone what you said.

I think I would have stuck to the "that was really rude" sort of comment, or even just told her that her inappropriate comment made my hard day even harder, but I don't know about speaking violently like that. I have done it once or twice before, and although I felt great for days, I never could figure out what felt so good about it because it really was at someone else's expense.

My mom had a piece of advice about driving that I think fits this situation nicely: "It's not your job to honk when someone else is a jerk on the road. You might scare the other drivers." I think if you are offended or hurt, you should say so, but it's not really your job to make people behave or have better manners. Of course, I never even have the guts to speak up at all.


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

I just read the OP's post and no one else's (sorry!) but yes I have been in your situation and the store employee said "You need to spank her a$$" (She was 18 months old!) and I turned around to her and said "Did she come from YOUR uterus? No? Well then back off!" And yes, she did.

I think you did a great job mama!!!!


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SactoMommy* 
Wow, I wish I had the balls to say ANYTHING, let alone what you said.

*I think I would have stuck to the "that was really rude" sort of comment, or even just told her that her inappropriate comment made my hard day even harder, but I don't know about speaking violently like that. I have done it once or twice before, and although I felt great for days, I never could figure out what felt so good about it because it really was at someone else's expense.

My mom had a piece of advice about driving that I think fits this situation nicely: "It's not your job to honk when someone else is a jerk on the road. You might scare the other drivers." I think if you are offended or hurt, you should say so, but it's not really your job to make people behave or have better manners.* Of course, I never even have the guts to speak up at all.









Nicely put


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## gsd1amommy (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Oh, and you have, of course, explained to your three year old now that he's not melting down that it's wrong to smack anyone? It would have been idiotic to try to explain that to him in the middle of his meltdown at the store, but it is something that should be reinforced since he was exposed to that wicked woman's ideas.


Umm, It would be idiotic to say anything except, " I was wrong to tell that woman that she deserved to be smacked. It was wrong of her to say that you deserved to be smacked. No one should ever be hit."


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

People, early 50s isn't elderly. I'm 50 and have a 3.5 year old. It's not like the lady was in her 80s or something.

I would have probably said, sarcastically, "oh yes, violence is so wonderful you think we should all smack children around" or "you really think hitting a person will make them less upset? "


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## RoseDuperre (Oct 15, 2007)

RIGHT ON, operamommy. I can only hope I have the stones to stand up to such nonsense if or when it happens to me and my child.


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
To be honest, I don't really understand posting something like this publicly if you only expect congratulatory comments. Obviously, not everyone is going to agree with everything that we all do. If you only want positive feedback, maybe you should only tell your closest friends about stuff like this.










This.


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

I've read through the posts and just had to add something nobody's mentioned. The butt is part of the "swimsuit area" so smacking on the butt could be interpreted as sexual abuse.


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## Liquesce (Nov 4, 2006)

As I read through this thread I kept trying to picture the scene, and what's coming to mind ... I don't know. I don't get the "that's awesome!" line of thinking at all. It just seems kind of on the level of "no, you are!" as a retort. Which has never led to any particularly peaceable or educational ends on the playground, and doesn't really translate any better to adult discourse. That's not even about the OP ... I get that in a moment finding the perfect thing to say isn't easy, and I've had just as many "oh, I should have said ...!" hindsight moments as anyone else. I just really don't understand so much of the response _here_.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
Umm, It would be idiotic to say anything except, " I was wrong to tell that woman that she deserved to be smacked. It was wrong of her to say that you deserved to be smacked. No one should ever be hit."

Yes, that would be the sort of thing she should tell her son now that he's not having a melt down as she's trying to get out of Sam's Club. Are you trying to make that more clear or are you arguing that she should have said that to a tantruming toddler?


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I still say Kudos to the OP for having a backbone.

But, now that things are calmer, I kind of agree with the poster who suggested that the OP tell her child that she was wrong to tell the woman she needed her butt smacked, just as the woman was wrong to say that a child needed his butt smacked.

Hitting is never right, regardless of the age of the person being abused.

But I also kind of agree with the logic that if this woman didn't see it as rude for HER to say what she did -- then she most certainly has no LOGICAL grounds for thinking the OP was being rude.

If people who are acting in ways that you (general you) don't like deserve to have their butts smacked -- then what about when others get offended with YOUR words or behavior?

At any rate, maybe a better middle-ground between passive and aggressive would be to say, "I don't hit adults like you for being rude -- so I'm sure not going to hit my little boy for being stressed." Still, these comments tend to hit us at the worst possible moments, so I honestly can't fault the OP for just saying what was on the tip of her tongue.

I usually can't think of anything to say 'til waaay after the fact.







to the OP. We just need to live and learn and go on.


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## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

OK, what you said wasn't the most polite or respectful thing in the world, but it was concise, clever, and didn't use foul language. So, you probably did better than I might have done in that situation.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Medusa* 
People who make nasty judgmental comments like this older lady do it because they think they can get away with it. Most people will quietly rush away and leave jerks feeling that they've won some victory.

We live in a society where the craziest, rudest person in the room takes control and everyone else sits back and tries not to make a scene, frankly I'm sick to death of that dynamic.

Speak up! If nothing else a calm "that was inappropriate" or "mind your own business" is never out of place. Neither is the op's reply.

I agree. There are so many times when someone is behaving completely nuts and the people in the room just look, and move on, as though they're watching a show on tv and have no need to interact or be involved.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
As for everyone who is worried about the example that was set for the child, I seriously doubt that a bawling 3yo even had the presence of mind to listen to the comments that were made. IME, upset children often don't even hear you when you speak directly TO them.

I agree, I seriously doubt the child was even aware of the short sentence exchanged between his mom and this other woman.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ssh* 
People, early 50s isn't elderly. I'm 50 and have a 3.5 year old. It's not like the lady was in her 80s or something.

I would have probably said, sarcastically, "oh yes, violence is so wonderful you think we should all smack children around" or "you really think hitting a person will make them less upset? "

Yeah, my mom is in her mid-50's and I guarantee she isn't seen as elderly.







Heck, I don't even see my own grandmother as elderly and she will soon be 79 years old. Age is no excuse for misbehavior.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I still say Kudos to the OP for having a backbone.
But, now that things are calmer, I kind of agree with the poster who suggested that the OP tell her child that she was wrong to tell the woman she needed her butt smacked, just as the woman was wrong to say that a child needed his butt smacked.
Hitting is never right, regardless of the age of the person being abused.
But I also kind of agree with the logic that if this woman didn't see it as rude for HER to say what she did -- then she most certainly has no LOGICAL grounds for thinking the OP was being rude.
If people who are acting in ways that you (general you) don't like deserve to have their butts smacked -- then what about when others get offended with YOUR words or behavior?
At any rate, maybe a better middle-ground between passive and aggressive would be to say, "*I don't hit adults like you for being rude -- so I'm sure not going to hit my little boy for being stressed.*" Still, these comments tend to hit us at the worst possible moments, so I honestly can't fault the OP for just saying what was on the tip of her tongue.
I usually can't think of anything to say 'til way after the fact.







to the OP. We just need to live and learn and go on.

The part I bolded sounds like something I would have said. Regardless, I still laughed when I read the OP. There is something pleasing about reading about someone doing something we all wish we could do.


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## beansmama (Aug 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
Sometimes the elderly do say things that seem inappropriate. There could be many reasons for this, even mental health reasons. I am seeking kindness in my life, and I would never suggest that people should hit defenseless children--just as I would never suggest hitting anyone.

I just think two wrongs don't make a right. I can see you don't agree with me...and that's okay. I was just expressing my opinion about it. I think that what the older woman said was inappropriate, but the response that the OP gave could have been better. Threatening to hit anyone is never the answer in my mind.

Take care,
Lisa


Duuuuude. Didn't read all the responses yet, so not sure if this was said already - but the OP said she was about 50. That is HARDLY elderly...I'm pretty sure my mom and dad would be fairly offended to find out that people thought that was "elderly".


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## Medusa (Mar 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OGirlieMama* 
OK, what you said wasn't the most polite or respectful thing in the world, but it was concise, clever, and didn't use foul language. So, you probably did better than I might have done in that situation.









That!

Seriously, I'm the brat that smiles sweetly then calmly says "Go







yourself" to these people.

The OP handled it without foul language, which is more than I can do.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

wow! her behavior was so rude! you did just the right thing!

eta: just skimmed this thread a bit and wanted to say that i think you were setting a fine example. to the extent your ds was following what was going on, i think it's nice he knows you had his back.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

I think your response was hilarious.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Most of the time I don't believe with meeting rude with more rude or adding more hostility to an already hot situation, but sometimes that's the only thing people will 'hear' - and if you're bold enough to say something that rude in the first place, you should probably expect that one day someone is going to give it right back to you.

Also? Old? Does not mean a thing. Old people are still people, and just like the rest of the population there are some mean horrible awful no good Judgy McJudgealot old people. The whole 'sweet little old lady' thing is pretty much a myth and 'sweet little old men' molest children every day and some of them get away with it because we infantilize old people - they're cute or sweet or any number of words we use for babies and that's a. rude and b. just straight up wrong. Old people are just as able to be mean and obnoxious as the rest of us...like that guy who slapped that kid in Walmart. He wasn't exactly young.

So, ya know, don't ACTUALLY going around spanking strangers but I am almost certain you saved any NUMBER of moms and their kids from getting nasty comments from that lady again.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
So, ya know, don't ACTUALLY going around spanking strangers but I am almost certain you saved any NUMBER of moms and their kids from getting nasty comments from that lady again.

See, I think that the retort just adds fuel to the rude lady's fire. Even though OBVIOUSLY the woman was totally rude and out of line for saying anything to the OP in the first place (and dead wrong, mind you), I'm pretty sure an exchange like this in the middle of Sam's Club is not a place where this woman is going to have a lot of self reflection.

I envision the woman's exchange with friends later going like this: "Her son was just out of control, so I told her he needed a smack...and then she shouted at ME that I should be smacked and put her FINGER in my FACE! No wonder her son is so out of control, she has no manners either!"

....not "You know, she was right and I shouldn't have said anything to her. I don't know what was going on with her day, or her son."

If it was that easy (i.e., dish back what they dished to you) to get a rude person in public to reflect on their actions, we wouldn't have so many rude people walking around.









And yeah, I'm creeping up on 40 and can't imagine being called "elderly" in 14 years.







:







No matter her age, she was rude and acted poorly.....but acting back in kind doesn't really do anything to further the cause, you know? Again, standing up for oneself against rude behavior with a blunt, calm, confident comment or even some calmly delivered snark, sure - but I'm not getting the kudos on the thread, either...


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Quote:

not "You know, she was right and I shouldn't have said anything to her. I don't know what was going on with her day, or her son."
Oh no, I don't envision anything like that going down. People make those little nasty comments "to themselves" because they think they're going to get away with it and no one is going to say anything. I think once that's been busted, they may think twice before trying it out again because the next Mom may give her a verbal smack down, too.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Mmm, point taken. I hadn't thought of it that way, that *maybe* she was intending to comment more to herself than the OP.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
Mmm, point taken. I hadn't thought of it that way, that *maybe* she was intending to comment more to herself than the OP.

Look at how she reacted to the OP's first "WHAT did you say?" She had no intention of the OP acknowledging the remark at all.

Oh, and it's that "WHAT did you say?" that puts me firmly on the side of the OP having done the right thing. That UAV had plenty of warning that mama bear was angry and she went and mouthed off again. She asked for trouble, she got trouble, she was lucky trouble wasn't any worse.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Look at how she reacted to the OP's first "WHAT did you say?" She had no intention of the OP acknowledging the remark at all.

Oh, and it's that "WHAT did you say?" that puts me firmly on the side of the OP having done the right thing. That UAV had plenty of warning that mama bear was angry and she went and mouthed off again. She asked for trouble, she got trouble, she was lucky trouble wasn't any worse.

I'm just not feeling it. Mama bear yes, but not this way. We'll just have to agree to disagree. I agree with a lot of your posts, this is a very rare exception!

I just don't find menacing a person who is menacing you (unless it's literally a physical menacing attack and you're defending yourself from imminent physical harm or repeated verbal assault of someone you interact with daily) to be something I applaud. Verbal attacks like this suck, and I think responses are appropriate, just not responses in kind.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Put me in the camp that the lady had it coming and it was well dished! I agree with posters who have stated that meeting rudeless with silence makes one into a doormat. I think that women are especially conditioned to suck it up in situations that require confrontation, and I am glad that the OP spoke up.

Does this teach our children to be rude? No way. It teaches that rude people get met with opposition...an important lesson to a child who may be bullied some day. Do you peacemakers want your children to just walk away when some bully is tormenting them?

Also, am I the only one who doesn't get the whole "don't honk at people" thing mentioned earlier in the thread? That's what the horn is _for_...right?


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

But why does the opposition have to be rude, too? THAT'S the part I'm not getting.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Put me in the camp that the lady had it coming and it was well dished! I agree with posters who have stated that meeting rudeless with silence makes one into a doormat. I think that women are especially conditioned to suck it up in situations that require confrontation, and I am glad that the OP spoke up.

Does this teach our children to be rude? No way. It teaches that rude people get met with opposition...an important lesson to a child who may be bullied some day. Do you peacemakers want your children to just walk away when some bully is tormenting them?

*Also, am I the only one who doesn't get the whole "don't honk at people" thing mentioned earlier in the thread? That's what the horn is* _for_...right?

Nope- not to me







The horn is only for emergencies, imo, to let someone know they are drifting in your lane for example. Not to voice irritation after the fact- that just leads to road rage and more negative behavior on the part of the violator.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

The horn is to warn drivers that they are about to hit you, or that you are about to hit them, not to express anger at someone inconsiderate who cuts you off or goes too slow. That's what I meant.

Maybe it was a bad analogy.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
I envision the woman's exchange with friends later going like this: "Her son was just out of control, so I told her he needed a smack...and then she shouted at ME that I should be smacked and put her FINGER in my FACE! No wonder her son is so out of control, she has no manners either!"

Wait a minute! This woman obviously DOESN'T think it's rude to say people need a smack if you disagree with how they're acting -- so she can't LOGICALLY think it's rude for someone else to tell her SHE needs a smack if they happen to disagree with her, now can she?









I realize she probably IS just illogical enough to gripe to her friends -- but here's to hoping that at least one of her friends is as shoot-from-the-hip as she is, and tells her, "YOU were rude, hon. And rude begets rude."


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

It's me again.









I just wanted to let you all know that I didn't leave the thread earlier because I only expected positive comments or congrats on what I had said. I just got to the point where I didn't really know how to respond to some of the comments because they were based on an incorrect assumption that the lady was elderly or that we got into a "shouting match." And now I see that a poster has brought in a sexual abuse reference because the comment on both sides involved the words "butt smacked." That blows my mind.









I lost my cool and I admitted that. I was rude and I've admitted that too. But even Ghandi lost his cool once in awhile, I'm sure.







It was a very human moment just like we've all had. Not once did in any of my posts did I say I thought I did the right thing, or that others should do the same.

I will freely admit that her comment made me very angry. It was unhelpful and unwanted. I found it offensive. As a child I was often spanked hard enough that I remember finding bruises on my rear in the exact shape of the stripes on my underwear. I'm sure if anyone ever says something like that again, I will handle it differently. It's easy to look back at a situation and know exactly what you would say, just as it's easy to read a post and know exactly what someone else "should" have said, yes?

Thanks to those of you who have shared times when similar situations have happened to you and how you handled it. It's been very helpful to read them and realize that I'm not the only who's had something nasty like this said to them by a stranger. I've been a mother for 14 years, and had never been in that position before.

edit: Sheesh...now I can't stop worrying that I've offended people on this thread. What a world - one day you're telling a stranger their butt should be smacked, and the next day you're worried you've hurt someone's feelings on a message board.


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## Tiny Explosions (Aug 31, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Put me in the camp that the lady had it coming and it was well dished! *I agree with posters who have stated that meeting rudeless with silence makes one into a doormat.* I think that women are especially conditioned to suck it up in situations that require confrontation, and I am glad that the OP spoke up.

Does this teach our children to be rude? No way. It teaches that rude people get met with opposition...an important lesson to a child who may be bullied some day. Do you peacemakers want your children to just walk away when some bully is tormenting them?

Also, am I the only one who doesn't get the whole "don't honk at people" thing mentioned earlier in the thread? That's what the horn is _for_...right?

Yes, yes, and quadruple yes on the bolded. My mom raised me with the belief we are supposed to "ignore" people who are nasty (that's what "good girls" are supposed to do) and it is complete BS. I've had misdirected anger my whole life...I used to always be the "victim." As an adult, I've been working on being more assertive and learned sometimes that means being not so "nice."

My mom thinks it's wrong, but I see her ideals bring her-a lot of misery. She's always complaining about someone hurting her and she carries her anger around her continuously-subconsciously taking it out on family members who live with her. That is not a healthy way to live.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Put me in the camp that the lady had it coming and it was well dished! I agree with posters who have stated that meeting rudeless with silence makes one into a doormat. I think that women are especially conditioned to suck it up in situations that require confrontation, and I am glad that the OP spoke up.

I think you should stick up for yourself but I think you can do it without being rude to the other person in return. When the OP asked her to repeat what she had said, that would have been enough to stop the lady in her tracks as she it would have been embarrassing to have been called out on your snide comment or you could have said something "we believe spanking is wrong".

I don't think the public humiliation of you yelling at the lady would have worked as the lady would have been to busy being embarrassed to think about spanking.

I don't think it makes you a doormat if you take the higher ground and ignore the rude comment.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beansmama* 
Duuuuude. Didn't read all the responses yet, so not sure if this was said already - but the OP said she was about 50. That is HARDLY elderly...I'm pretty sure my mom and dad would be fairly offended to find out that people thought that was "elderly".

When the OP originally posted she called the lady elderly which is why we all referred to her elderly in our replies it wasn't til later that the OP edited her post and told the lady's real age not that it really matters.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
edit: Sheesh...now I can't stop worrying that I've offended people on this thread. What a world - one day you're telling a stranger their butt should be smacked, and the next day you're worried you've hurt someone's feelings on a message board.









I totally understand being frustrated with your child's behavior and with the woman's comment. I can't say that I'm offended with the thread. . .it actually embarrasses me that so many people say that it's okay to treat another person the way either party (you and the woman) treated one another. It also made me embarrassed when pp made comments about it being okay to swear at another person in this situation. I believe we should all be kind to each other, I believe that elders should be shown a certain amount of respect (even at 50, she's older than me and therefore I should show her some respect), I believe that sometimes we need to bite our tongues when people display their ignorance. Perhaps I've changed since living in Japan and seeing Americans from a different viewpoint. . .we are known to be rude, loud, destructive. . .and it's not just the Japanese who feel this way, most of the world feels this way. Reading a lot of these posts reinforce that viewpoint. I'm truly embarrassed!


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *baltic_ballet* 
When the OP originally posted she called the lady elderly which is why we all referred to her elderly in our replies it wasn't til later that the OP edited her post and told the lady's real age not that it really matters.

I called her "older" and then edited my original post because people had started calling her elderly. I would never have called that lady elderly.


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Forgot to add - I'm finding the disagreements over what kind of comeback/comment would have made the lady reconsider her statement interesting. If someone is a strong enough proponent of spanking that they say something like that to a stranger, would *anything* make them change their stance? Even saying something fairly neutral like "we don't believe in hitting people" wouldn't make any difference to her, and it certainly wouldn't make her think twice about being just as nasty to the next mom. I asked her what she said, which maybe would have made most people back off, but she believed in her statement enough (and the correctness of saying it unsolicited to a stranger) to repeat it. I dunno - just wondering.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
Forgot to add - I'm finding the disagreements over what kind of comeback/comment would have made the lady reconsider her statement interesting. If someone is a strong enough proponent of spanking that they say something like that to a stranger, would *anything* make them change their stance? Even saying something fairly neutral like "we don't believe in hitting people" wouldn't make any difference to her, and it certainly wouldn't make her think twice about being just as nasty to the next mom. I asked her what she said, which maybe would have made most people back off, but she believed in her statement enough (and the correctness of saying it unsolicited to a stranger) to repeat it. I dunno - just wondering.

But yelling "you need your butt spanked" won't make her change her mind either.

You've got to remember that your not going to be able change everybody opinion so why should you make yourself look a crazy person when it may not make a difference?


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

First, I think you were right to say _something._ Some people are _so_ rude (she probably comments about other's people parenting all the time), and probably most people just take it.

However, I do think that, in general, calm responses (especially to snide comments) make more of an impression _and_ model better behavior for children.

After a long day shopping with children, I have no idea how I would have reacted. I would _probably_ have backed down, said nothing, and felt bad about it for hours. I hope, though, that I would have stopped, looked her in the eye, and said calmly, "I love my children even when they misbehave, and I would never hit them," or maybe more pointedly--still calmly!-- "Ma'am, I think _you_ should mind your own affairs."

That is _really_ what you meant anyway, right?

This sort of situation is really so dispiriting-- I hate hate hate when other people, especially strangers, intrude on my parenting in this way, especially when I feel that I'm doing the best I can. It's probably good to have some sort of rote response to avoid either a)saying nothing or b)saying too much.

I do _*not*_ think, though, that you are "just as bad as she is." She initiated, you reacted as best you could in that moment.


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## lunabelly (Jan 4, 2007)

It's fine to talk about what the OP might say if this happens again, but it is incredibly difficult (at least for me) to be reasonable when being attacked-- whether it's physical or verbal. The fight or flight response is instinctive.

I am impressed with people who can keep their cool in these situations, but I am not one of them. If someone is going to be stupid enough to openly insult a mama's parenting or her children-- she needs to be prepared for what's coming back at her because most people aren't going to think logically in that situation.

Once, my aunt stuffed my baby's mouth full of whipped cream because she thought it was ridiculous that I didn't give my baby sugar. I smacked my aunt's hand. I didn't mean to do it; I'm not proud of it. I made my aunt cry. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do it again, but I honestly don't know. I was angry, and it was my gut response.

At least the OP didn't smack the woman in the store! I'm sure that woman still believes she was right, but maybe next time she won't say it out loud. If she said something like that to a less confident mama, that mama might think, "Maybe I should be spanking my child. . . ."


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## ~LadyBug~ (Aug 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OGirlieMama* 
OK, what you said wasn't the most polite or respectful thing in the world, but it was concise, clever, and didn't use foul language. So, you probably did better than I might have done in that situation.









This! I don't think I would have been EVEN close to that nice as the OP.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tiny Explosions* 
Yes, yes, and quadruple yes on the bolded. My mom raised me with the belief we are supposed to "ignore" people who are nasty (that's what "good girls" are supposed to do) and it is complete BS. I've had misdirected anger my whole life...I used to always be the "victim." As an adult, I've been working on being more assertive and learned sometimes that means being not so "nice."

My mom thinks it's wrong, but I see her ideals bring her-a lot of misery. She's always complaining about someone hurting her and she carries her anger around her continuously-subconsciously taking it out on family members who live with her. That is not a healthy way to live.

That's my mom, although I think she does it consciously. I still quake with fear and apologize when someone attacks me. I hate it.


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mummyofan* 
I'm proud of you, Mama

I once said to an older lady who said to me on seeing both my children wanting me at the same time in Nordstrom whilst visiting San Fran;
Rather you than me - said with an unappreciative look in my direction, tut tutting quietly....
I said I'd rather be me than you, too. Much.

I felt great for days afterwards.

well done, not going off at all, perfect.

LOVE this!

Of course, no one needs their butt smacked, but I think it makes sense to turn it around on her, let her see how silly the notion is for anyone!


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## New (May 20, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
As I was walking with him, we passed an older lady who says (to herself) *just* loud enough for me to hear, "He needs his butt smacked."

I rounded on her and said, "WHAT did you say?"

She kind of backed up a bit and repeated that he needed his butt smacked.

I put my finger in her face and said (loudly) "I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!"

One rudeness does not excuse another.







There were better, "gentle-discipline-for-adults" options for you. Your child and the onlookers don't need to see escalating verbal conflict as a means of communication.


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## Equuskia (Dec 16, 2006)

At ten to closing and with a kid melting down? I think the OP did the best she could without ripping the woman a new one. And hell, if the woman was actually brassy enough to repeat what she said, well.....what did she expect? A smile? I wouldn't have been very kind either. Hindsight is always 20/20.


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## laila2 (Jul 21, 2007)

I love it that you showed your son how to appropriately treat people like that


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Look at how she reacted to the OP's first "WHAT did you say?" She had no intention of the OP acknowledging the remark at all.

Oh, and it's that "WHAT did you say?" that puts me firmly on the side of the OP having done the right thing. That UAV had plenty of warning that mama bear was angry and she went and mouthed off again. She asked for trouble, she got trouble, she was lucky trouble wasn't any worse.

Yeah, she (the rude stranger) had a chance to see that what she said was wrong, but she stuck with it.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 

Also, am I the only one who doesn't get the whole "don't honk at people" thing mentioned earlier in the thread? That's what the horn is _for_...right?

A horn is a tool for warning of danger. It's not supposed to be a tool for verbal assault while in a metal weapon.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
Nope- not to me







The horn is only for emergencies, imo, to let someone know they are drifting in your lane for example. Not to voice irritation after the fact- that just leads to road rage and more negative behavior on the part of the violator.

Exactly!, Dandelion.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SactoMommy* 
The horn is to warn drivers that they are about to hit you, or that you are about to hit them, not to express anger at someone inconsiderate who cuts you off or goes too slow. That's what I meant.

Yeah, a warning sound to alert the unobservant driver of dangers around them (or caused by them) so they can prevent an accident.


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## Thisbirdwillfly (May 10, 2009)

Quote:

My mom raised me with the belief we are supposed to "ignore" people who are nasty (that's what "good girls" are supposed to do) and it is complete BS. I've had misdirected anger my whole life...
You are talking about two different things. If you ignore and let go, then you're done. If you ignore and internalize, then you are stuck with misdirected anger.

I once had an older gentleman try to "help" me when I was out with my crying son by telling him that boys don't cry. He said it repeatedly. I finally said, as calmly as I could, "Please don't tell him that, we let him cry as much as he wants." The man looked somewhat offended but he also looked confused. Truly confused, which confused me. And then we left.

It dawned on me later that in his whole life, he probably never had anyone tell him it was okay to cry. Which made me cry (ah, the horomones of the baby years...)

I'm feel sorry for people who advocate hitting children or tell them to shush inappropriately or what have you. I have no doubt that their little bodies and minds were not respected and it is *still* hurting them. I wish they'd keep it to themselves, of course, but I'm not going feed into it or let it get passed onto me.

As for the OP, I think it's nothing short of a miracle that more of us with small babes, no sleep and a million things to do don't actually hit strangers, so please don't feel judged. Just trying to pass on another way of looking at it.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

If rude people are allowed harass innocent people unchallenged they just get bolder. Maybe the rude lady will think twice before harassing a mom with an unhappy preschooler. I'm not saying what the OP said was the best reply, but we can all think of better replies after the fact. The important thing is to stand up for your children and not let rude people verbally abuse them.

If I encounter rude people while alone I usually just think "wow I'm glad I don't ever have to see you again" and ignore them. If I was with my DD I'd want her to know the rude person was wrong and we didn't have to just endure mistreatment.


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## Jojo F. (Apr 7, 2007)

I think you are our hero!!!!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

OT: re: the horn thing. I've only been driving for a few years, and I've only used my horn once. Since it's come up, I'll ask if you all think it was an acceptable use of the horn or not. I was waiting behind one car at a red light. The woman in front of me was putting on some kind of eye makeup (I'm still boggled by the things people do behind the wheel...but at least she was at a red light!). The light changed to green, and I waited about 5-10 seconds, but she hadn't looked up, so I hit my horn. I didn't want to sit through another whole light change. It wasn't an emergency, but it also wasn't just voicing irritation. So...what's your take on that? It felt weird, as I'd never actually _used_ my horn before.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

I just keep finding it so interesting that so many posters feel that answering a rude person *in kind* as the example they want to set for their kids as how to respond to someone being rude. I would be embarrassed if my child got in the face of another child who was being rude to them, because that's what he learned from me. I want him to learn to calmly, confidently stand up for himself, not to mirror what the other person is doing. If the rude person isn't going to "learn" a lesson on not being rude no matter what, why would you want to model that for your child as the way to handle it? I'm just not understanding how one can be advocating against (physical) aggression [towards children], but modeling (verbal) aggression as a solution as an adult? The OP was not in any physical danger, she was heckled by a rude person. I totally agree that saying *something* is a good idea to show your kid, and others around you, that that kind of rudeness is not okay and should be addressed...a simple, calm, rote phrase to shut them down, even something like, "Why would you think it's OK to say that?" - assertive, calm, confident....putting the rude person on the spot...

I'm just not understanding why this is an ok example for your kid on how to handle a situation with a rude person. OP, I'm really *not* trying to make you feel worse, I promise. You were under a huge amount of stress at that moment, and I honestly don't think you're a horrible person for responding as you did - what I'm actually blown away about is the thread itself, how many people equate 'standing up for yourself' with not thinking about your words or actions.

I have no idea what I would have done, and I think the woman was completely in the wrong to talk to you the way she did...I'm just trying to figure out why there is so much support on the thread for returned rudeness to be THE answer, THE way to stand up for yourself. There are many other ways...and this thread has actually given me the impetus to start practicing some calm, confident rote phrases to say to people I might encounter. Obviously no one is perfect, and everyone has bad days and snaps; mercy knows I've done and said things I wish I hadn't, and hindsight is 20/20. I think preparing for things like this, after reading this thread, is even more important that I thought...for both me and for my kids. I want to give them confident things to say to people they might encounter that aren't going to involve them in escalating situations, but also aren't going to make them think they don't deserve to stand up for themselves.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treemom2* 
I believe we should all be kind to each other, I believe that elders should be shown a certain amount of respect (even at 50, she's older than me and therefore I should show her some respect)...

Why? I happen to disagree with this completely, so I'm always interested in exploring the reasoning behind it.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
OT: re: the horn thing. I've only been driving for a few years, and I've only used my horn once. Since it's come up, I'll ask if you all think it was an acceptable use of the horn or not. I was waiting behind one car at a red light. The woman in front of me was putting on some kind of eye makeup (I'm still boggled by the things people do behind the wheel...but at least she was at a red light!). The light changed to green, and I waited about 5-10 seconds, but she hadn't looked up, so I hit my horn. I didn't want to sit through another whole light change. It wasn't an emergency, but it also wasn't just voicing irritation. So...what's your take on that? It felt weird, as I'd never actually _used_ my horn before.

I JUST did this today, too! I waited a full 10 seconds, the woman wasn't moving and was fiddling with something on the seat next to her, the light is a notoriously short one, so I gave two short beeps to get her attention...I didn't lay on the horn aggressively, more like a "hey, look up!" kind of thing. I think there are friendly beeps that can be effective for things like this, and then the laying on the horn kind of thing that's more aggressive, that should be reserved for dangerous situations.


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## igglebah (May 6, 2005)

good for you! i usually think of the perfect things to say once i get home, well after the fact and too late to matter. then i sit there and steam. so, good for you!!


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## Liquesce (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ssh* 
If rude people are allowed harass innocent people unchallenged they just get bolder.

Are we really considering a rude comment in passing at the checkout lines to be harassment now? And this kind of comment to be something that emboldens speakers to greater levels of 'harassment'? I mean, _really_?


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## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

I think it's slightly rude...but we're all human.

I'm calm and sleepy as I type this. If I would run into that "rude stranger" right now, I probably would shrug and walk away.

If I ran into that "rude stranger" after a long day, a screaming 3 year old and PMSing (not implying the OP was PMSing....I'm just saying), I probably would have made "rude stranger" cry. I would feel bad afterward...but at the time, my response would feel right.

I think outbursts are healthy to a degree. We put up with so much throughout the day....we're bound to blow up at some point. And the release feels so good.

I also think it's good for other people to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When I was little, I would ask random people if I could hold their baby. Most of them would let me. Some of them would ramble some excuse and not let me. The last lady I asked told me very sternly, "Absolutely not." (Like, "You must be crazy to think I'd let you hold my baby!"). I was probably 9 or so? I've never forgotten that lady....and I've _never_ asked to hold someone's baby since then--not even a friend's or family member's. Maybe "rude stranger" will think twice before she mumbles more parenting advice


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## mjol (Jul 14, 2009)

that made my night- and good for you! nothing worse than being parented by someone who only has seen 3 seconds of your life...


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MayBaby2007* 
I also think it's good for other people to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When I was little, I would ask random people if I could hold their baby. Most of them would let me. Some of them would ramble some excuse and not let me. The last lady I asked told me very sternly, "Absolutely not." (Like, "You must be crazy to think I'd let you hold my baby!"). I was probably 9 or so? I've never forgotten that lady....and I've _never_ asked to hold someone's baby since then--not even a friend's or family member's. Maybe "rude stranger" will think twice before she mumbles more parenting advice









And see, I think this is mean. I think she was mean to you, and that it stopped you from asking even friends and family makes me sad. You weren't being rude at all, you were being a kid. She was the one that was rude, and wrecked some of your innocence. If she didn't want you to hold her, all she had to say was "no" or "I'm not comfortable with that" or something more polite. I doubt you would have yanked the baby from her arms, or somehow harrassed her more.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

woohoo mama!! Good for you.







I wish I had your b*lls when situations like that arise.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *mjol*
nothing worse than being parented by someone who only has seen 3 seconds of your life...

exactly


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
I'm just not feeling it. Mama bear yes, but not this way. We'll just have to agree to disagree. I agree with a lot of your posts, this is a very rare exception!

I just don't find menacing a person who is menacing you (unless it's literally a physical menacing attack and you're defending yourself from imminent physical harm or repeated verbal assault of someone you interact with daily) to be something I applaud. Verbal attacks like this suck, and I think responses are appropriate, just not responses in kind.

I think it was appropriate because too many people (especially older people) think spanking is the answer to everything with children. Hopefully this lady might have her eyes opened to the fact that not all people accept the idea of spanking. I've been in stores and seen mothers literally slap, yank or spank their child over and over throughout a store for doing nothing but whining a little or asking for something they can't have. This woman obviously thought that spanking was the answer "just" because this was a small child and all adults should have complete physical control over small children. That's how I was raised anyway, and it's wrong. I think it's good that she confronted the woman.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
OT: re: the horn thing. I've only been driving for a few years, and I've only used my horn once. Since it's come up, I'll ask if you all think it was an acceptable use of the horn or not. I was waiting behind one car at a red light. The woman in front of me was putting on some kind of eye makeup (I'm still boggled by the things people do behind the wheel...but at least she was at a red light!). The light changed to green, and I waited about 5-10 seconds, but she hadn't looked up, so I hit my horn. I didn't want to sit through another whole light change. It wasn't an emergency, but it also wasn't just voicing irritation. So...what's your take on that? It felt weird, as I'd never actually _used_ my horn before.

Appropriate. You were alerting her to her surroundings which is what the horn is for.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
I'm just not understanding why this is an ok example for your kid on how to handle a situation with a rude person.

Because a melting-down 3 y.o. isn't going to be picking up on what happened anyway and you can always explain that both of the adults were wrong later. In fact, you could have a good learning experience by talking about what you should've said to the rude person and having your LO help you practice better responses.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

My aunt was always outspokenly rude - just like the woman in the OP's post...because people let her be that way. She said whatever she wanted to whomever she wanted because no one ever said anything in reply. Finally, family members started speaking up and replying in some not so nice ways, and she finally got the hint and backed off.

So, yeah, sometimes, people say those nasty things just because they think they _can_. And not every moment has Tobe a teachable moment. There will be plenty of teachable moments coming 'round, yanno.

That being said...

This whole deal with the OP advocating violent behavior is a little too much for me. The OP gave a quick retort in reply to a spanking comment. I highly doubt that all of the wonderful moral lessons learned by her DS are suddenly going to be all unraveled by this one sentence. Please. Again, not every moment needs to be a teachable moment, for the OP's son OR for that rude lady.


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## zebrachick83 (Nov 2, 2008)

i am so glad you said something!!! i always chicken out....

maybe your response could have been a little more approriate, but in the moment, i can completely understand your feelings....and sometimes people do need a little bit of a reality check, rude or not....


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prettypixels* 
Because this old lady took a nasty pot shot at a mama who was having a rough moment, that's why. This mom was wrestling her upset 3 year old while figuring out how to deal with this unwelcome comment to HIT her CHILD. No, it's not the same, and I think that this old lady is lucky she ran into the OP. My words probably would not have been this kind. If you are seeking kindness in your life, perhaps you shouldn't run around suggesting people hit defenseless little children.

That may explain the reason, but it certainly doesn't warrant the obvious pleasure the OP got from saying it nor does it warrant all the praise...


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zebrachick83* 
sometimes people do need a little bit of a reality check, rude or not....

I imagine this is what the woman who told the OP to smack her kid thought, as well - that the OP needed a reality check (about her kid), rude or not (which I obviously disagree with, I think the woman had no business saying that to the OP at ALL). It's just a no-win cycle in my mind, which is why I will keep standing by calm, confident, short responses instead of rudeness replying to rudeness.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laila2* 
I love it that you showed your son how to appropriately treat people like that









Remind me to stay away from your kids...


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
I imagine this is what the woman who told the OP to smack her kid thought, as well - that the OP needed a reality check (about her kid), rude or not (which I obviously disagree with, I think the woman had no business saying that to the OP at ALL). It's just a no-win cycle in my mind, which is why I will keep standing by calm, confident, short responses instead of rudeness replying to rudeness.

I agree...eye for an eye makes the world blind, two wrongs don't make a right...


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## Thisbirdwillfly (May 10, 2009)

The4OfUs, I have really enjoyed what you have to say in this thread. Thank you for sharing it.


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## Medusa (Mar 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
Remind me to stay away from your kids...

Whoa!

I thought you were arguing AGAINST rudeness?!


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *baltic_ballet* 
But yelling "you need your butt spanked" won't make her change her mind either.

You've got to remember that your not going to be able change everybody opinion so why should you make yourself look a crazy person when it may not make a difference?

I never said that it would make her change her mind.







I was asking a question about what *would* have changed her mind, and you immediately jumped back to how wrong I was in the encounter.

'm not understanding the fierce need from several particular posters to keep telling me over and over how wrong I was. Umm, didn't *I* say that I knew I had been rude?


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## Liquesce (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
'm not understanding the fierce need from several particular posters to keep telling me over and over how wrong I was. Umm, didn't *I* say that I knew I had been rude?

I don't think anyone is trying to hit you, personally, over the head with "how wrong you were" so much as some people find the number of people who will say this was the exactly right and perfect thing to do, even in hindsight, a bit confounding.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
Remind me to stay away from your kids...

Well, yeah, if you're gonna be saying they need their butts smacked -- then I'll remind you right now to stay away from MY kids, too!


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Liquesce* 
I don't think anyone is trying to hit you, personally, over the head with "how wrong you were" so much as some people find the number of people who will say this was the exactly right and perfect thing to do, even in hindsight, a bit confounding.

Yes, this. OP, I wrote in a previous post I'm bothered by the support/praise that this was the "perfect" (at least one person ahs used perfect and/or best) thing to say to that rude woman, than I am by you losing it. Everyone loses it. I lose it. I'm not always graceful when stressed...I don't think you're a horrible person. I'm basically responding to other posters who are not stressed right now, who are reflecting on the situation with a calm mind and still think that it was great.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thisbirdwillfly* 
The4OfUs, I have really enjoyed what you have to say in this thread. Thank you for sharing it.









thanks!


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
OT: re: the horn thing. I've only been driving for a few years, and I've only used my horn once. Since it's come up, I'll ask if you all think it was an acceptable use of the horn or not. I was waiting behind one car at a red light. The woman in front of me was putting on some kind of eye makeup (I'm still boggled by the things people do behind the wheel...but at least she was at a red light!). The light changed to green, and I waited about 5-10 seconds, but she hadn't looked up, so I hit my horn. I didn't want to sit through another whole light change. It wasn't an emergency, but it also wasn't just voicing irritation. So...what's your take on that? It felt weird, as I'd never actually _used_ my horn before.

Since you ask, and since I'm in the camp of normally using the horn for communicating with the unobservant driver, to prevent an accident, I will answer. I think honking in that case is appropriate. You're not endangering anyone since you are all at a standstill behind this person. You are using the horn as a form of communicating with the unobservant driver. You're not using it as a form of hornicular swearing accompanied with the finger. Totally different in my opinion.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Equuskia* 
At ten to closing and with a kid melting down? I think the OP did the best she could without ripping the woman a new one. And hell, if the woman was actually brassy enough to repeat what she said, well.....what did she expect? A smile? I wouldn't have been very kind either. *Hindsight is always 20/20*.

HECK, yeah.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
That may explain the reason, but it certainly doesn't warrant the obvious pleasure the OP got from saying it nor does it warrant all the praise...

Pleasure? She stood up for herself and for her child Praise? I am happy that she stood up for herself and for her child. Very happy.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
Remind me to stay away from your kids...


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
I agree...eye for an eye makes the world blind, two wrongs don't make a right...

I see a contradiction in your posts. Do as you say and not as you do?


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
I see a contradiction in your posts. Do as you say and not as you do?

Please explain what you mean...this could be interpreted in a few different ways.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

In one post, you imply not to be rude, yes? Yet your next post is less than nice. It kind of reminds me of my friend who postulates that we must be kind and compassionate to everyone and everything, yet she relishes smooshing bugs every chance she gets.


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## phrogger (Oct 16, 2006)

I haven't read all the comments, but I for one not only think it was a perfect response, but I think it could have been really important too. I am not one to sit back quietly when it comes to many things. I stopped being quiet when I realized that maybe I needed to say what others wouldn't or to say what others might need to hear.

Telling off the older lady was mearly turning it around on her so she could see the ridiculousness in what she was saying. Luckily she said it to you. What if she had said it to a young mom who was struggling with her own confidence in her parenting and hearing this older, should be wiser woman comment on spanking the kid and what if the mom would have? Maybe your comment will make this old woman rethink what she says to people. Even commenting back "that was rude" could be seen as rude in some peoples eyes so why not go all out and tell this woman WHY she was ridiculous, which you did in one short sentence.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
I agree...eye for an eye makes the world blind, two wrongs don't make a right...

but the OP wasn't wrong.


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## kalimay (May 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
Yes, this. OP, I wrote in a previous post I'm bothered by the support/praise that this was the "perfect" (at least one person ahs used perfect and/or best) thing to say to that rude woman, than I am by you losing it. Everyone loses it. I lose it. I'm not always graceful when stressed...I don't think you're a horrible person. I'm basically responding to other posters who are not stressed right now, who are reflecting on the situation with a calm mind and still think that it was great.

This is what I have gotten from many of the responses too. OP, I am glad you stood up for yourself and your child and I am sorry that woman was rude to you, but unless you believe that she should have had her butt smacked, I don't see how it was the perfect response. I have never had anyone make a comment like that to me but I hope that I would respond that what my child and I need are kindness and understanding. Is much more likely that I would tell her to mind her own business.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KirstenMary* 
In one post, you imply not to be rude, yes? Yet your next post is less than nice. It kind of reminds me of my friend who postulates that we must be kind and compassionate to everyone and everything, yet she relishes smooshing bugs every chance she gets.

You're right, I was less than nice in my response to the person who said she wouldn't mind modeling this kind of behavior for her own children. I could have said it in a better way. Ironically enough, the OP could have as well, don't you see? How can she say this was the right thing to do if she is doing the very thing that she is angry about? If you really feel people shouldn't contradict themselves, then it would be difficult to argue against the previous question.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *darcytrue* 
but the OP wasn't wrong.

She used violent language to say that violence is wrong.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Ever heard of irony?

Makes you think.....


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *expatmommy* 
Ever heard of irony?

Makes you think.....

If that's directed towards my last comment then I'd really like to know what you mean by that because I seriously don't feel like I was being violent in my responses.


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
You're right, I was less than nice in my response to the person who said she wouldn't mind modeling this kind of behavior for her own children. I could have said it in a better way. Ironically enough, the OP could have as well, don't you see? How can she say this was the right thing to do if she is doing the very thing that she is angry about? If you really feel people shouldn't contradict themselves, then it would be difficult to argue against the previous question.

She used violent language to say that violence is wrong.

I don't find the language violent. I'm sure the OP didn't REALLY mean that the lady needed her butt smacked.

Of course I would never think of this at the time but "I think YOU need YOUR mouth smacked" is a more appropriate answer.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
... hornicular swearing...

May I use this phrase?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I think some people are reading too much into visceral "oh HECK YEAH" responses.


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## Medusa (Mar 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
If that's directed towards my last comment then I'd really like to know what you mean by that because I seriously don't feel like I was being violent in my responses.

Not the poster your quoting, but her comment makes sense to me.

Let me start by pointing out that mama whose children you commented on did nothing, and said nothing. You're the metaphorical older lady waiting in the Internet checkout line.

However, even if you preceived some wrong directed at you personally in her actions, throwing out that biting remark about her children catagorically goes against everything you've argued here. "two wrongs don't make a right" "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind", et cetera.

Thus equaling irony.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Medusa* 
Not the poster your quoting, but her comment makes sense to me.

Let me start by pointing out that mama whose children you commented on did nothing, and said nothing. You're the metaphorical older lady waiting in the Internet checkout line.

However, even if you preceived some wrong directed at you personally in her actions, throwing out that biting remark about her children catagorically goes against everything you've argued here. "two wrongs don't make a right" "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind", et cetera.

Thus equaling irony.

No, those children have not done or said anything _yet_. However, the mother says that it's okay to be violent towards someone as long as they are violent towards you first. This is where I had the issue, so by pointing out that I didn't want to be around her children in the future, I was basically saying that kids pick up on violence (no matter what the reason or cause) and often display the same type of behavior. Like I said, I could have been nicer, so in that regard I was contradicting myself. However, I feel that you and others are missing the essential point: violence is never the answer, no matter how much a person feels entitled to their behavior. That said, maybe it wasn't the wisest thing for me to point out the fallacy in the way I did. Violence begets violence, as it seems...

I find it interesting that no one who is on the OP's "side" really wants to address how violent she was in her response. Maybe she didn't really mean that she wanted someone to spank the old lady's butt, but by saying it she is basically advocating the same thing that she hates...abuse. She might have been "joking" about hurting the woman, but that still doesn't somehow negate the fact that she is saying spanking is okay (as long as it's directed towards old people and not kids, apparently)









Also, I'd like to add that I feel it's important for a person to feel they have a voice if someone is being aggressive, like the old lady at the store. If a person doesn't feel they have a voice then any response they create is going to empower them...maybe that's the reason behind all the praise? Most of us wouldn't have the nerve to stand up for ourselves in a situation like that so it seems wonderful when it happens? I've been in situations similar to that and have had to stand up for myself, and, I have to say, I wasn't the nicest in response. I didn't threaten any outright violence like the OP did, but I certainly was very angry and that came across clearly. It felt great at the time and I'm grateful for the experiences, but after reflecting on the way I reacted I see that I was no "better" than the aggressor. It's important to stand up for oneself, but not if it means stepping on someone's toes, no matter how much they appear to "deserve" it. We're all human, we all have feelings, and oftentimes it's the meanest people who are in the most pain and, thus, need the greatest amount of love and kindness.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
May I use this phrase?









Of course!


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Zenful, you keep calling the 'older' (as in older than the OP), mid-50's woman as 'old', inferring she is an 'old lady'. It's inaccurate and inflammatory.


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## Medusa (Mar 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
I find it interesting that no one who is on the OP's "side" really wants to address how violent she was in her response. Maybe she didn't really mean that she wanted someone to spank the old lady's butt, but by saying it she is basically advocating the same thing that she hates...abuse. She might have been "joking" about hurting the woman, but that still doesn't somehow negate the fact that she is saying spanking is okay (as long as it's directed towards old people and not kids, apparently)









I don't think anyone is avoiding talking about it, rather there was no ACTUAL violence in the exchange.

Really it's the absurdness of telling the women she needed to be spanked that makes the comment work so very well.

"Spank" is a euphemism our culture uses to mask the hitting of children. Hitting an adult is assault, hitting a child is "spanking".
Hitting a child is wrong, but "spanking" is good discipline.

The OP's reply both pulls away the linguistic mask from the word "spank" and makes the woman advocating it look at from the eyes of someone on the receiving end of a "spanking", thus personalizing it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Zenful* 
We're all human, we all have feelings, and oftentimes it's the meanest people who are in the most pain and, thus, need the greatest amount of love and kindness.

That sounds good on paper, but reality tells me you can't love the abuse out of an abuser.


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## kalimay (May 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
Zenful, you keep calling the 'older' (as in older than the OP), mid-50's woman as 'old', inferring she is an 'old lady'. It's inaccurate and inflammatory.

She was referred to as an "older lady" in the original post.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kalimay* 
She was referred to as an "older lady" in the original post.

Yes, I know, exactly my point, Older, not old. And later, the OP clarified that she meant older than herself. My point that she was not OLD>.


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## organicpapayamama (Dec 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fuamami* 
Yes, I agree. It's okay to stick up for yourself a little bit, and I don't believe in letting the elderly off the hook, either. Plus, the OP said she was "older", I believe.

yes i agree with this. Plus there is a difference here. The older lady said it seriously... that the child SHOULD be hit. The mama repeated it back to her sarcastically (at least thats what I picked up on) not literally.

I think its not so much that rude deserves rude... and btw great job mama... but I think its about sticking up for yourself and your family. Just think of the times you dont say something and you regret not saying something or it bothers you for days and days (I realize not everyone feels this way after something like that) I think its better to get it off your chest and deal with it right then and there and put people like that in their place. The ruder the comment the bigger deal I would make out of it. I cant keep stuff like that in, it affects me physically and I like to get it out and then move on.


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## Chicky2 (May 29, 2002)

OP, I think you had every right to say something to that woman. However, I think a much more appropriate response would have been, "Human hands are not for hitting."


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I just want to remind everyone to be respectful. No insultingly sarcastic comments or personal attacks please.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Medusa* 
I don't think anyone is avoiding talking about it, rather there was no ACTUAL violence in the exchange.

Really it's the absurdness of telling the women she needed to be spanked that makes the comment work so very well.

"Spank" is a euphemism our culture uses to mask the hitting of children. Hitting an adult is assault, hitting a child is "spanking".
Hitting a child is wrong, but "spanking" is good discipline.

The OP's reply both pulls away the linguistic mask from the word "spank" and makes the woman advocating it look at from the eyes of someone on the receiving end of a "spanking", thus personalizing it.

So you don't find violent language to be violent? You just made it clear that you feel spanking is violent, and yet you don't find what the older woman said nor what the OP said to be violent? This, to me, is the same as saying that verbal sexual harassment isn't actual violence (because its not physical) nor is the use of name-calling, ridicule or any other methods of verbal attack, for that matter. Do you honestly feel this is true?

Absurdity or not, what was spoken was violent in nature. You yourself seem to say this quite well.

Quote:

That sounds good on paper, but reality tells me you can't love the abuse out of an abuser.
I'm speaking of loving the person as a whole, scars and all. This doesn't mean that your love will somehow make them not be abusive anymore...only they can make that a reality. But, still, if you look at them from the point of view of having two choices: either hurt or love another human being then I see loving them to be the answer if you want to actually help them. They are just in a lot of pain and they probably haven't got the skills to know what it means to love themselves or anyone else. If people keep hurting them then where does this leave them? You don't have to treat others with respect, but if you knew that a small act of kindness could possibly be one of the few displays of love they've ever received then would you still be mean to them? I feel that all it takes is for someone to know that another person cares about them for them to start on a path towards healing and real change.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
Zenful, you keep calling the 'older' (as in older than the OP), mid-50's woman as 'old', inferring she is an 'old lady'. It's inaccurate and inflammatory.

You'll have to excuse me...I didn't see that she was only in her mid-50's (just now noticed the edit on her post). From the sounds of the first post, I thought she was in her 70's or 80's. I did not mean any disrespect. In fact, I was raised to believe that calling people who are in the latter part of their life cycle "old" to be a term of respect.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

OK, early 50s is not elderly.

You rock, mama.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Treasuremapper* 
OK, early 50s is not elderly.

You rock, mama.

Did you not read what I just wrote?


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## urchin_grey (Sep 26, 2006)

Wow, I'm surprised so many people are bent out of shape over "disrespecting" the woman that thought it appropriate to tell a mother to hit her 3 year old child.

OP, you did a hell of a lot better than I would have, because she would have just got a big ol' "f*ck you" from me.


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## Mirrormonkey (Jan 6, 2009)

Brilliant! Can you deal with my father when he tells me I need to smack my son?


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *operamommy* 
I put my finger in her face and said (loudly) "I think YOU need YOUR butt smacked!!"



Thanks for the laugh! This made me laugh out loud.

I haven't read the whole thread, but if she was willing to share her opinion like that, then she was opening herself up for your response.

A parent shepherding an upset child isn't always in his/her most composed mode, if you know what I mean, and her offering her opinion, well, if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen, right?

She is an adult, felt she had a right to comment at you







and well, you responded. I'm sure we can all think of nicer things to say, outside of the heat of the moment, and maybe a more polite way to say it.

But passion sometimes can overcome us, right? It isn't like you just got out of a yoga class, you got out of wal-mart.

This woman had no idea what kid of day you were having, where you were coming from and where you were going. She opened her mouth.

She is a big girl, I'm sure she'll be fine. Maybe she will think twice before she goes around offering unsolicited advice.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

I say way to go, OP!









Normally low-level obnoxious means I pretend the rude person doesn't exist at all. That is surprisingly effective, especially with men IME. Beyond that, you say something rude to me or in front of me, I'll say whatever I like back. If you feel you're entitled to be disrespectful to me, I feel I can be disrespectful of you. Even farther, if it's someone I will never see again or don't know, I'm more than happy to play on their guessed insecurities and be downright mean, nasty, and cruel. I've done that 4 times in my life, and I figure that's 4 less people (well, maybe 3, one was probably too high/drunk to understand what was said to her) who now disrespect other strangers.


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treemom2* 
I totally understand being frustrated with your child's behavior and with the woman's comment. I can't say that I'm offended with the thread. . .it actually embarrasses me that so many people say that it's okay to treat another person the way either party (you and the woman) treated one another. It also made me embarrassed when pp made comments about it being okay to swear at another person in this situation. I believe we should all be kind to each other, I believe that elders should be shown a certain amount of respect (even at 50, she's older than me and therefore I should show her some respect), I believe that sometimes we need to bite our tongues when people display their ignorance. Perhaps I've changed since living in Japan and seeing Americans from a different viewpoint. . .we are known to be rude, loud, destructive. . .and it's not just the Japanese who feel this way, most of the world feels this way. Reading a lot of these posts reinforce that viewpoint. I'm truly embarrassed!

No, the OP didn't assert that she was without guilt, or that she was totally in the right. She isn't asking for justification.

She plainly asked if we *could relate to losing our cool.*

And yes, I can relate to losing my cool.

And we are not the only culture that is loud. I've lived in Germany, Austria and Italy, as well as various part of the US. And the Italians are *very* passionate people, who often yell at each other.







Germans have a particular reputation in Austria, and it isn't all that great. But these things are gross generalizations--so to extrapolate that Americans are rude from this thread is to miss the whole point.

The point is that we are fallible humans who sometimes act badly, but that we can understand why someone might act in a less then perfect manner in the heat of a moment.

So to put the entire judgment of "the world" on this original poster, and that all the other posters who can relate to her and understand why she acted the way she did, is to misread the entire meaning of the discussion.


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
Yes, this. OP, I wrote in a previous post I'm bothered by the support/praise that this was the "perfect" (at least one person ahs used perfect and/or best) thing to say to that rude woman, than I am by you losing it. Everyone loses it. I lose it. I'm not always graceful when stressed...I don't think you're a horrible person. I'm basically responding to other posters who are not stressed right now, who are reflecting on the situation with a calm mind and still think that it was great.

The thing is, the older woman MEANT, literally, that the child should be hit.

The Original Poster was being figurative, do you honestly think she thought that they woman should be hit? Do you really think her delivery, as dramatic as it was, was expressing the idea that the older woman should be spanked?

The reason people praise the response is the the clear irony _dripping_ from the OP's response. It makes us stop and think about it. It makes us realize how absurd it would be to _HIT_ a small, crying child to make him _stop_ crying!

So no, we're not praising violence, or rudeness, but rather boldness and comedic irony.


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *carmel23* 
The thing is, the older woman MEANT, literally, that the child should be hit.

The Original Poster was being figurative, do you honestly think she thought that they woman should be hit? Do you really think her delivery, as dramatic as it was, was expressing the idea that the older woman should be spanked?

The reason people praise the response is the the clear irony _dripping_ from the OP's response. It makes us stop and think about it. It makes us realize how absurd it would be to _HIT_ a small, crying child to make him _stop_ crying!

So no, we're not praising violence, or rudeness, but rather boldness and comedic irony.

THANK YOU.

The fact that some of you are ANALYZING a tense moment, where a Mama just said something to stick up for her child, is unbelievable. I'm 100% certain that the OP would have NEVER hit the lady- she was trying to let the woman know how ridiculous she sounded.

I don't know about anyone else, but I don't think straight when someone says something confrontational, or rude. I say the first thing off my tongue, AND usually it's not the best thing to say. Sure, if I had time, and I don't know, pages of opinions on Mothering to discuss it in, then perhaps I would say something more eloquent and thought out.

I think the OP did what was best. Being respectful SHOULD NOT mean that we can be walked all over. That lady was out of line, and I think the OP answered her in the best way possible given her situation.

A lot of self-righteous attitudes on here...it's sort of sick.


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *carmel23* 
The thing is, the older woman MEANT, literally, that the child should be hit.

The Original Poster was being figurative, do you honestly think she thought that they woman should be hit? Do you really think her delivery, as dramatic as it was, was expressing the idea that the older woman should be spanked?

The reason people praise the response is the the clear irony _dripping_ from the OP's response. It makes us stop and think about it. It makes us realize how absurd it would be to _HIT_ a small, crying child to make him _stop_ crying!

Yes - this is it in a nutshell! I was definately mad, but of course I didn't think the lady should *really* be "smacked on the butt." I answered her ridiculous statement with a ridiculous one of my own. I definately wasn't threatening her with violence.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *teale* 

A lot of self-righteous attitudes on here...it's sort of sick.









:

I don't have any illusions towards possessing a halo myself. I guess the fact that I honk at people (often with finger







), speak my mind and don't really care if I offend people (although I don't go out of my way to do so) makes me a boorish American.

So be it.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Haven't read the thread...don't know the OP.

Just had to say I would be mortified to act like that in front of my kids/family/people.

And no I don't think the OP was right in doing it.

But dang, what a zinger nonetheless!


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *carmel23* 
The thing is, the older woman MEANT, literally, that the child should be hit.

The Original Poster was being figurative, do you honestly think she thought that they woman should be hit? Do you really think her delivery, as dramatic as it was, was expressing the idea that the older woman should be spanked?

The reason people praise the response is the the clear irony _dripping_ from the OP's response. It makes us stop and think about it. It makes us realize how absurd it would be to _HIT_ a small, crying child to make him _stop_ crying!

So no, we're not praising violence, or rudeness, but rather boldness and comedic irony.

I guess I am just not a fan of that kind of comedic irony - I think it would have been just as, if not more effective to say something to her like, "So wait - you think hitting a small crying child is going to make him STOP crying?" or, "Why exactly do you think hitting him would calm him down right now?" or, "I'm not sure why you think it's appropriate for you to say something like that to a stranger." Sure, not comic gold, but still assertive and bold, calm and direct - maybe even more surprising than shouting back because it's unexpected. People *expect* other people to be in your face these days, and often don't know how to react to a calm, confident response and back down and *then* really think about what they've done/said. I guess the interaction described reminds me of a sitcom or reality TV show, and I'm not a fan of that trend in general in our society.

I've said this several times on thread that I have NO problem with people being bold or assertive or standing up for oneself; in fact, I applaud it...I just don't like the "in your face" quality of the interaction described in the original scenario. I'm not being righteous - I don't think I'm better than anyone, because I've had some rather unglamorous reactions to situations, myself. When I do snap, I try to figure out how I could have reacted more calmly and practice for next time - I don't generally look for support, because it's not something I want to model or become a normal in my life - I look for suggestions on how to change. Be the change you want to see, etc. If the OP had been "man, I lost it - how could I have reacted differently even in the face of her rudeness?" it would have been a totally different thread.

I could go a lot more indepth about the societal trend, how I think TV/internet/media has furthered the trend, etc. but I don't think this is the place. I walk a fine line wishing for "the good old days" when people were calmer and kinder to each other, without wanting to go back to the oppression and harshness...I wish there was a way to move forward in equality and justice for all without losing the kindness, calmness, and consideration. But that is a topic for a completely separate thread.

Let me be clear: When someone is being threatened with imminent harm, or in a situation where they have been emotionally and verbally abused for an period of time by the same person, I encourage more aggressive/rude/bold responses...but in situations like the OP, it just doesn't make sense to me.
Clearly, to each her/his own.


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## Tigeresse (Nov 19, 2001)

Well the woman in the store had a lot more time to measure her words than OP. If she is in her early 50's she has had plenty of life experience and should know better. She blurted out inappropriately and OP reacted in the heat of the moment. As it stands, OP stood up for herself and her child and hopefully gave the woman something to ponder.

I have had similar experiences, the most recent being a health care provider telling me that I am over-coddling my teenage ds as he transitions into living with diabetes and celiac disease. I wish I had set her straight. I just sat there dumbfounded. Couldn't believe I went in for a relaxing treatment and received a lecture.


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## Zenful (Jun 27, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *The4OfUs* 
I guess I am just not a fan of that kind of comedic irony - I think it would have been just as, if not more effective to say something to her like, "So wait - you think hitting a small crying child is going to make him STOP crying?" or, "Why exactly do you think hitting him would calm him down right now?" or, "I'm not sure why you think it's appropriate for you to say something like that to a stranger." Sure, not comic gold, but still assertive and bold, calm and direct - maybe even more surprising than shouting back because it's unexpected. People *expect* other people to be in your face these days, and often don't know how to react to a calm, confident response and back down and *then* really think about what they've done/said. I guess the interaction described reminds me of a sitcom or reality TV show, and I'm not a fan of that trend in general in our society.









:

I also feel this sort of comedic irony is too over-the-top and TV-like. It may have been "brilliant" as some people seem to think (I even highly doubt she was thinking about the comedic irony of it in the moment anyway), but if I were in the older lady's shoes I would probably have just stomped off in a huff, grumbled to myself a bit and then went about my day. Not sure what's so effective about that. People who are loud and obnoxious usually end up just annoying other people, is what I'm trying to get at...doesn't teach them much other than whoever is loudest and more "in the right" wins. Who knows, this may prevent her from making similar comments to others in the future, but I doubt it would have that much of an effect. Most people are too set in their ways to change that much...

Yes, it's difficult to always think on your feet, but I don't feel like the OP deserves an award here. Anyone can be loud and obnoxious and throw something back at a person...that's not difficult. Standing one's ground in a situation like that while still making it clear that she has violated you and your child's boundaries is a different story. Possibly saying, "Do you really feel you have the right to say that to me?" maintains a level of respect while still getting the point across.


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## carmel23 (Jul 21, 2006)

The reality TV/TV references have lost me, since I don't watch television









And again, the OP wasn't thinking clearly, that is evident and missing the point. She reacted in a moment of passion, and asked if anyone has acted like that. She isn't asking if it was okay, or brilliant.

She was asking if others could relate to acting out in emotion. It is evident from your numerous posts that you cannot relate, Zenful and The4OfUs.

So I think the horse is flogged through and through.


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## Equuskia (Dec 16, 2006)

Closing this thread, as it has run its course.


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