# I can't have any friends because my son is mean.



## RolliePollie (May 10, 2006)

My son is 28 months old and gets along great with other kids HIS age. But younger children not at all. My good friend has a 1 year old son and my DS is constantly yelling at him saying, "dont!", "no!" and "stop!". He'll grab things from him or push him off toys. I try to firmly redirect him but nothing helps. My friends says I'm not firm enough and it makes her upset. Just a few minutes ago she stormed out my house and slammed my door after DS tried pushing her 1 year old off his bike. I grabbed DS away as soon as I could and told him that it was wrong but everyone acts like I just spoil him and let him get his way. One of our neighbors called him a brat.







DH says I'm not firm enough, but I don't know how to be any firmer. I don't want to lose my friend over this but I'm getting frustrated because she acts like I'm not doing anything about it! Help me.


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## *clementine* (Oct 15, 2004)

I have 4 kids, and I think they were all like that around that age with younger kids. I don't remember it being a problem because I just redirected them, kept reminding them to be kind - all the things you're doing. I wouldn't expect a child that age to understand yet that they aren't the center of the universe. That takes time. It seems like they're at that age where they are able to do things, and don't have the patience for younger kids who knock things down etc.
I'm sorry you're surrounded by people who are that offended by it. Just keep telling him to be gentle and this phase will pass. For us, no amount of cracking down would work at that age, it just creates more aggression.


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## XanaduMama (May 19, 2006)

My son is like this too--or he was: he's 29 months now and seems to be getting a little bit better. It's worst at our house, when he gets super-possessive of his toys and tends to be aggressive; we tend to have playdates at other people's houses, where he's a bit more restrained, or in public places like parks where there are more things for them to do, so they're not on top of each other. I also have to watch him really closely, so it's not like my friends and I get a lot of mommy time to chat, but if we need that we'll just have coffee or something without the kids.

I understand your friend's protectiveness of her little one (I know I'd feel the same way in her position), but I think she's overreacting. Or, at least, she doesn't understand what's "normal" behavior for a 2yo (who must seem SO much bigger and more mature than her 1yo). I don't know how that translates into action, or how you can convince her that your son isn't a "brat"







, but you may have to just see her alone if you want to keep the friendship going and rather have playdates with older kids or in different spaces.


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## Past_VNE (Dec 13, 2003)

Awwww,







he sounds like a perfectly normal kid to me. Redirect, I agree that's the key. The poor guy doesn't understand yet, but he'll learn.

As for your friends, I don't have much advice. I hope they come around, or at least learn to tolerate it. I hope they don't treat their kids too harshly when _they_ get to that age.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

It's the age for goodness sake. 2 year olds don't know how to share and only care about themselves. That will change as he grows older. I can't say the same for your friends who are both rude and lack a serious knowledge of child development. You might want to get her a book on 2 year olds before hers turns 2!


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## *clementine* (Oct 15, 2004)

You shouldn't think that you can't have friends because your baby is mean.
You should retitle your thread to read "My friend seems to have issues."


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Would you want your son somewhere where he was always being told 'no", "stop", "don't" and having things grabbed out of his hands and pushed off things? Probably wouldn't be much fun for him. And it's not much fun for the one year old either. Your friend does not have issues because she doesn't want her son treated like that, and your son is not mean. You just have kids that aren't compatible at this time.

On the other hand, if everyone is saying he's very unpleasant to be around you may want to think about that.


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## RolliePollie (May 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz* 
On the other hand, if everyone is saying he's very unpleasant to be around you may want to think about that.


Sorry, I should have been more clear. Our neighbor that called him a brat is a single guy in his twenties with no kids. It just really rubbed me the wrong way. And my DH and this friend are the only ones who tell me I'm not firm enough with DS. But then again, Dh thinks spanking is okay.







(I won't let him spank ds though)


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## dawncayden (Jan 24, 2006)

I would just hang out with kids his age and older. Its totally normal for kids his age to act like that. When you hang out with kids that are older you realize that your kid is normal. When you hang out with younger kids, you kid can often be seen as the big bad bully because that mother is only used to her son's stage.
I'd take a break from that relationship for a little while and see if they can play later on.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Those are 2 ages that are hard together no matter what. I've been the parent with a single younger child or a less-physically-capable child while a friend had an older, more capable, "bossy" and "aggressive" child. Cognitively I knew full well that the boy wasn't really bossy or aggressive, just that he was 2 1/2, but I didn't want DD hurt.

I'm sure the other mother wants to keep the baby safe and she'll probably be mortified when he's 2 or 3 and acts the same way. (I was when DD grew up enough to snatch toys and push.)

I think you should give up on having the kids play together for a while and try to do things as friends while at least one child is napping or when other people are watching the children. When they're 2 and 4, it'll be a lot easier, honestly. You might also try playdates in places where there is less possessiveness--ie library, play ground. Or at the younger child's house, there might be less possessiveness around toys. Having a younger child play with your toys is tough for little kids.

Or you know, what XanaduMama said.


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## jo15 (Jul 5, 2006)

Yes, those ages are not very compatible, period. 1 year old kids are irresistible targets for most 2 year olds, so your child is perfectly normal. If it continues, maybe you guys can cool the play date thing until your children are a little older.

Like the previous posters said, you can redirect. However, there seems to be effective and ineffective ways to communicate with your child even at this age. I've been with a two year old who is always consciously pushing and hitting my child, and even though the mama is really trying, she fails to communicate effectively. It's not really a matter of being more firm, but rather using techniques that get through to him. And I'm not saying it's easy-- it looks ridiculously difficult. (My child is till only 15 months) I think sometimes, you just have to remove them from the situation.


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Playing at the park where he might be less territorial/in charge might be good. Maybe the two are not suited to playing with toys in your living room, but might be able to do things like go to the zoo or walk around town or picnic somewhere.

Also, actively work on his manners and how he talks to everyone--from babies to grown ups. I know it is pedantic, but sometimes little ones need to be told and shown how to talk to each other. Play with him on the floor--does he have any dolls? Because they are great for roleplaying and demonstrating how to play nice. I'm sure you do all this anyway, but do it with specific intention of teaching, you know?

Lastly, I'd talk to your friend honestly about it--that you value her friendship, that you believe in firm-ness and teaching him acceptable behavior but it is a learning process with 2 and you'll need to do things differently in the future. (IE, she can't come over for a cuppa tea and just expect the 2 year old to be a great host--you need to switch up what you do together.)


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## goodheartedmama (Feb 1, 2007)

I know how hard it is. People expect our babies to be perfect, and when they're not, we're judged for not doing enough. Sometimes you just can't make them not be aggressive, but they'll learn eventually. Just keep being firm that it's not okay, and show him ways to be nice to his friends. He'll get it, but it will take awhile. DS is the same age and we're struggling with it, too, but I remind myself that sometimes it's just part of the age. I'm sorry you feel so judged and have lost friends over it. I feel judged myself, by people whose kids are just not aggressive. I prefer to say that they're just free-spirited, though. Some kids are laid back, mine love life and live it to the fullest, and sometimes that means being aggressive. DS doesn't mean it out of hate or anger, he just has a lot of energy and is needing to learn acceptable ways of exerting that energy.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

My son is 19 months old, and his older cousins (39 months) have often treated him the way you describe your son treating the younger ones. Not quite as badly, but with them being twins they've gotten a lot of practice dealing with conflict with each other. Their mother and I just intervene when necessary.









I admit, it does wake up the mama bear in me, but I try to stay relaxed about it.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz* 
Would you want your son somewhere where he was always being told 'no", "stop", "don't" and having things grabbed out of his hands and pushed off things? Probably wouldn't be much fun for him. And it's not much fun for the one year old either. Your friend does not have issues because she doesn't want her son treated like that, and your son is not mean. You just have kids that aren't compatible at this time.

On the other hand, if everyone is saying he's very unpleasant to be around you may want to think about that.









:

I also agree with everyone who says that the ages just aren't compatible, and it's time to find other things to do with your friend for a bit.

Lastly, you might want to revisit how firmly and sternly you're telling him "no" and redirecting him. I'm a GD advocate but GD doesn't mean you can't be firm.

I got in a conflict with a good friend because, although she was redirecting her DS, it was always with a super gentle, sing-songy, "DS . .. doooonnn't dooooo that, sweetie . . . . oooookkkaaaay??? Is that ooookkkkaaaay?" NO! Of course, it isn't "ooookkkaaaaay" with the kid! He was 3. He wanted the toy. It's normal. Nothing wrong with the kid. But if she had said the same thing, minus the "sweetie" and "ooookkkkaaaaay?" (which just makes it seem negotiable) and with a firm voice, her response would have been effective and calmed my mama bear. As it was, it was completely ineffective and annoying.

Not saying OP is dealing with things like this, but it might be worth a thought or two.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Your friend's child hasn't reached this age yet so she doesn't understand that some level of aggressiveness is normal in 2-year-olds. Well, in most 2-year-olds. I knew someone whose 2-year-old was sweet and docile. (Her mom didn't like my 2-year-old either, but she understood when her second child was 2!) But most 2-year-olds get at least somewhat aggressive. How much varies from child to child.

It's a thing to supervise and wait out. Maybe you need to wait to get together with this friend again until your son is a few months older. He's going through a stage where he's learned he has some control over the world around him, including other people, and he's trying to control the person he thinks he can the most due to size difference. Social graces come later than this stage, but they do come.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

When the cousins were at that age, one 2 and one 1 (and one 1.5), the parents did "gentle touching" with the 2 year old and otherwise just kept moving him or her away from the other. Course, I only observed them when they were in a group of like 16 adults.

Just to reassure you though, that group's all nearly 3 now with pretty much no problems with anyone being aggressive, and the next batch is nearly 1 now and the 3 year olds don't push them around or anything. (Totally fascinated by the babies though and love to give them toys to hold.)

I guess the point with gentle touching is that they didn't try to get the kids to play together, they tried to get the older kid to treat the younger kid like a much younger child. Which a 1 year old is to a 2 year old. 2 and 3 are way closer in age than 1 and 2.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

I go to a playgroup where there are plenty of 2.5yo playing with 1yos... In general - they don't act that way.

You can be gentle and still be firm. Set limits!!! And then stick to them.

Last night at the playground, the following happened. DD is 18 months, Boy is 22 months. Boy was playing with the steering wheel at the top of the toddler slide. DD climbed up and shrieked "MINE!!!!! NO NO!!!!" and pushed him away from it with her shoulder. Boy just kind of stood there and didn't really react. DH climbed up and gently prevented her from actually being able to play with the steering wheel. He talked to her for a few seconds about how it's not OK to push another kid and she needed to wait her turn. And made it possible for Boy to play with the steering wheel again.

Then he told her that she could only play up there if she could share*. Then he told her if she pushed Boy again she was saying that right now she wasn't able to share - and he would help her find something else to play with. Due to Boy's parents sitting obliviously on benches 30 feet away - Boy didn't get any help sharing... So she did try to push him again (DH intervened before she actually made contact) - so he picked her up and got her interested in the rocking chickens.

He set a firm limit and stuck to it - but, IMO, did it with respect and gently.

I agree with the poster that you should look at it from your friend's perspective. Would you keep your child in a situation where they were being pushed and told "No" constantly?

*She spends ALOT of time with my sister's twins and does have a basic grasp on this concept.


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## bellymama (Apr 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RolliePollie* 
My son is 28 months old and gets along great with other kids HIS age. But younger children not at all. My good friend has a 1 year old son and my DS is constantly yelling at him saying, "dont!", "no!" and "stop!". He'll grab things from him or push him off toys. I try to firmly redirect him but nothing helps. My friends says I'm not firm enough and it makes her upset. Just a few minutes ago she stormed out my house and slammed my door after DS tried pushing her 1 year old off his bike. I grabbed DS away as soon as I could and told him that it was wrong but everyone acts like I just spoil him and let him get his way. One of our neighbors called him a brat.







DH says I'm not firm enough, but I don't know how to be any firmer. I don't want to lose my friend over this but I'm getting frustrated because she acts like I'm not doing anything about it! Help me.

that sucks. i know how you feel. my son is aggressive too. luckily my friends are really supportive and know i am trying really hard to help him learn to be gentle. he isn't mean though, he doesn't hit or throw when he is angry, he just does it, which is more frusterating to me because i am like, but why? why hit if not angry? he is only 17 months though.
however, i do have a friend who's 3 year old is really aggressive in a really mean way and she doesn't do shit to fix it. so i don't play with her kid and my kid around. we are not mama friends, just friends, yk?
here's what i do, and i think it's why my friends don't get mad:
if ds hits, i remove him from the situation and go speak with him briefly about not hitting and how to be gentle. i tell him he gets one more chance. if he hits again we will go home, no matter how short of a time we have been somewhere. and i follow through with that, no matter how sad it makes me to drive all the way to my friends house to hang out







.
he gets one chance, and that is it. i can't tolerate hitting or hurting other kids (or me...but that is another story







).
my friends have told me they appreciate the fact that i follow through with what i tell ds, and that the problem they have with my other friend is that she threatens a lot with no follow through.
maybe this will help you? maybe not. either way, i am sorry. i know how hard that must be. just keep at it.

oh, and when my son hits me, i put him down, or move away from him and tell him that he can't hit me. he cries a little but i really don't care. hitting isn't okay. after a minute, i tell him i will pick him back up if he can be gentle to mama. if he hits me again after picking him up, i put him back down and go do something else nearby, but i stop "paying him any mind" in order not to fan the flames of his tantrum,yk? then, i try again after a few more minutes.
it's slow going, but over the last two weeks he has definitely gotten better. it's hard work, and i hate letting him cry, but he knows exactly what he is doing and that hitting is wrong and hurts me, so i just have to keep being firm.
discipline is hard work. makes me tired







.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I have a house full of one, two and three year olds, and they have never acted that way. In 20 years of childcare, Ive never had agressive 2 year olds.

But, this isn't their house and these aren't their toys.

It is extremely hard to share your own stuff. Especially a two year old, and especially a two year old who doesn't want to share. Some kids are fine with sharing, and will go get toys to hand to the little one. But, for others, it's really hard. I really don't like to share, and I am 43.

I think it all depends on HOW you are saying "no" "Stop" or "Gentle". If your friend sees that your heart really isn't into it, she might get mad. I don't blame her. But, if she is expecting you to yank your child off the ground and swat his bum, that's something else entirely.

Give your son six months. He's going to be able to understand that sharing doesn't mean "give it away". Let him see that he shared and now he has it back again.

Make playdates at someone elses house, or at a neutral play place. When you are ready to have friends over to his house, go through some of his toys that are for sharing, and put away the ones that are hard to share. If you can afford to, buy a few large "group" type toys. Duplos, a climber, a second bike. Something that makes it more fun to play with a friend.

He will outgrow this, and it will all just be a tiny memory in a few years.


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## cravenab00 (May 25, 2005)

i'm going to be the sole voice of dissent here.

i dont think your friend has issues at all. i think she is doing what she has to to keep her child safe.

i agree that certain ages, bring different challenges. but it is our job as parents to ensure that our children learn what behavior is appropriate and what is not. it may take time for them to learn it, but consistency is the key.

i think the attitude that "your friend just has to deal with it" is really crappy.

i've been the friend, and watched my kids get bullied and hurt, and watched the other child's mother just say "no no" and walk away. and she seemed so confused when i'd just had enough and kept the distance.

it may be wise to avoid playdates until this is resolved.


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## huskermommy (Jun 14, 2006)

I can see where this puts you in a hard situation but I can see where your friend is upset. Would you want your child being treated that way? I agree that redirecting is a good step, but maybe you need to sit down and explain things to him a little bit.

I have an 18 month old that does share. He does care about others and shows that so I don't necessarily think that our children are uncapable of learning this. It is something that I think partially comes naturally to him and is partially because we work together to show him that we all need to cooperate and be loving to one another. Now, this is not to say that my children do not have "certain" toys that are only "theirs". And for those, we put them away when other children come to visit because we know that they are not something that can be "shared". This is also not to say that some days are just "bad" days. It seems around the full moon my kids could just claw each other's eyes out!

Now, I'm not saying you have to sit there and say NO STOP or whatever all the time. In fact my daughter didn't even really know the word "no" (well at least not directed to her) until she was over 2 because we never said it. My kids seem to respond well to sitting down face to face and discussing the situation and why Mama doesn't want them to do such and such. I know every child is different and needs something different.

But maybe just trying to talk to him about his actions and why they may hurt others? I mean its worth a shot and I dont' see any harm in it. It's not like you have to make him feel "bad" about it but maybe to just understand why his friends leave when he hurts them or their feelings?

I don't think your child is "mean" but maybe just needs a little help in the right direction. This must such a hard situation and hopefully you can find a solution! It would be sad to loose a friendship over this. Plus the playmates that your son has.

GOOD LUCK!


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## InDaPhunk (Jun 24, 2005)

Having been a parent to a frequent aggressor and also aggressee I have a couple of suggestions:

Have a planned activity when you see this friend. No free play. Something where the kids have their own space. Even if the other child is much younger you can figure something out that they can both have fun doing. It means you and the other mom won't get as much time to chat but oh well.

You may be able to start a playdate off with a common activity- some "work" that requires focus, one that allows some slight interaction but not too much- something like sitting on the floor and pouring cheerios from different cups and bowls, any activity where there are plenty of items to go around so noone fights over the same thing. It helps get the kids "on the same page".

Like PP said, before they come over put away toys that can't be shared.

When playing with the other kid, if your DS says "But this toy is _mine_" tell him that yes, it's _his_, but can so-and-so please play with it? Stress that it is _his_. If he just can't bring himself to share it then help him find something that he _is_ willing to share. This last part will only work with a much younger child because it wil be easier to distract that child from losing the toy that can't be shared.

Stay on your DS like white on rice. When you see DS getting worked up then remove him from the sitch. Get him calmed down. Then find a structured, monitored activity for them to do.

Make sure you get together only when the time is best for DS, when he's rested, well fed, etc. If he's tired or in a funky mood then cancel the playdate. Even last minute.

Having someone come over and go through all your stuff can be really unsettling for some kids. I don't blame them! Like the anology I read here, imagine if I went to your house and started going through your purse and you got mad and I said "But you're supposed to share!". Well, that's how it must feel to some kids when others come and put their mitts all over their toys. So finding a neutral ground may work better for you guys.

Have lots of talks with DS before they come over- about that child being younger and what that means.

Do lots and lots of role playing about what to do when someone takes a toy, plays with a toy you want, etc etc. Specify actions to take- say "no, stop", come get mama etc. Use words not hands etc etc. Role play a _lot_.

Tell your friend the exact actions you'er taking to work on the sitch. If she knows you're working on it she'll feel much better.

It's normal for kids to act like this- it's just something to work on. This problem can't really be fixed but it can be managed. DS will grow out of it or realize that the other child is smaller and act accordingly.

Remember, you can't change the other mother's behavior etc, only yours, so focus on that.

IMO, kids can smell weakness of any sort and so will try to dominate those that are in any way weaker....to try to get all the breastmilk and toys







.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RolliePollie* 
My son is 28 months old and gets along great with other kids HIS age. But younger children not at all. My good friend has a 1 year old son and my DS is constantly yelling at him saying, "dont!", "no!" and "stop!". He'll grab things from him or push him off toys. I try to firmly redirect him but nothing helps. My friends says I'm not firm enough and it makes her upset. Just a few minutes ago she stormed out my house and slammed my door after DS tried pushing her 1 year old off his bike. I grabbed DS away as soon as I could and told him that it was wrong but everyone acts like I just spoil him and let him get his way. One of our neighbors called him a brat.







DH says I'm not firm enough, but I don't know how to be any firmer. I don't want to lose my friend over this but I'm getting frustrated because she acts like I'm not doing anything about it! Help me.

if you know your son is not gentle with younger children, than be prepared when those occasions arise. be sure to have toys that the other child can play with that are readily available. also, if your son won't share his stuff - don't have playdates at your house. go to a park where everything does not belong to your son & if he refuses to share there - leave...that's a natural consequence. also, ALWAYS be within an arms reach of your ds if he is near the other child. be able to intervene before he has enough time to push or hit. yea, of course it's pain...but this stage will pass quickly and your toddler honestly will outgrow this. he's not mean - just a toddler. also, aways be sure to apologize on behalf of your son to the child he hurt. i don't do forced apologies, but as the mother, i always apologize if my child has hurt another person. you may do this already, but if not....address the hurt child first - not your son. apologize to the other child. ask if they are okay. and after you've done that, then address your son and his behavior. hang in there mama. this will pass. hugs to you.


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## desultory (Jan 25, 2006)

I think fek&fuzz nailed it -- your son and your friend's son simply aren't compatible playmates just now. Her son is having a poor time of it and she's probably fed up with seeing her son get pushed around. But your son doesn't sound particularly 'mean' to me either -- what's he is doing is developmentally normal. I think one thing that might help if/when you and your friend get the boys back together is to talk with your friend first about how you're managing his aggession and why. I'd also keep the playtimes brief -- not more than an hour. If that doesn't work out, try to have some friend time without the kids -- it might be a year or more before they're able to play together peacefully.


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## huskermommy (Jun 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InDaPhunk* 
Having been a parent to a frequent aggressor and also aggressee I have a couple of suggestions:

Have a planned activity when you see this friend. No free play. Something where the kids have their own space. Even if the other child is much younger you can figure something out that they can both have fun doing. It means you and the other mom won't get as much time to chat but oh well.

You may be able to start a playdate off with a common activity- some "work" that requires focus, one that allows some slight interaction but not too much- something like sitting on the floor and pouring cheerios from different cups and bowls, any activity where there are plenty of items to go around so noone fights over the same thing. It helps get the kids "on the same page".

Like PP said, before they come over put away toys that can't be shared.

When playing with the other kid, if your DS says "But this toy is _mine_" tell him that yes, it's _his_, but can so-and-so please play with it? Stress that it is _his_. If he just can't bring himself to share it then help him find something that he _is_ willing to share. This last part will only work with a much younger child because it wil be easier to distract that child from losing the toy that can't be shared.

Stay on your DS like white on rice. When you see DS getting worked up then remove him from the sitch. Get him calmed down. Then find a structured, monitored activity for them to do.

Make sure you get together only when the time is best for DS, when he's rested, well fed, etc. If he's tired or in a funky mood then cancel the playdate. Even last minute.

Having someone come over and go through all your stuff can be really unsettling for some kids. I don't blame them! Like the anology I read here, imagine if I went to your house and started going through your purse and you got mad and I said "But you're supposed to share!". Well, that's how it must feel to some kids when others come and put their mitts all over their toys. So finding a neutral ground may work better for you guys.

Have lots of talks with DS before they come over- about that child being younger and what that means.

Do lots and lots of role playing about what to do when someone takes a toy, plays with a toy you want, etc etc. Specify actions to take- say "no, stop", come get mama etc. Use words not hands etc etc. Role play a _lot_.

Tell your friend the exact actions you'er taking to work on the sitch. If she knows you're working on it she'll feel much better.

It's normal for kids to act like this- it's just something to work on. This problem can't really be fixed but it can be managed. DS will grow out of it or realize that the other child is smaller and act accordingly.

Remember, you can't change the other mother's behavior etc, only yours, so focus on that.

IMO, kids can smell weakness of any sort and so will try to dominate those that are in any way weaker....to try to get all the breastmilk and toys







.









:


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## mommyoftwo (Apr 6, 2004)

My ds went through a phase at age two where he would hit younger children and even babies. I just shadowed him constantly but it was very stressful and a bit embarrassing at times. We constantly reminded him how to act and praised him when he was kind.

We even just stopped hanging around lots of younger children until he was more capable of handling it.

But I posted to tell you that he grew out of it fairly quickly with a lot of guidance. Now he is a sweet five year old.

As hard as it seems now, it is just a phase. Just watch him closely so others around him are safe and he'll grow out of it.


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## j924 (May 17, 2005)

The situation doesn't sound ideal for anybody. Your feeling inadequate. Your friend is angry. Ds is upset. Friends dc is sad. It might be better for everyone involved if you and your friend hung out without kids for some time. Life is too short for blame.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I don't think the word "bully" is appropriate for a 2-year-old. A young 2-year-old at that. They're just babies at that age and don't have those kinds of motivations. He needs to be very closely supervised around younger children to protect them, but I think it's important to remember that he's a baby too.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

It sounds like your friends reaction was normal and to-be-expected given the way her child was being treated. Also, if she isn't a GD type, she may not agree with your general approach. Your child's reaction was normal and to-be-expected given his age and personality.

Given that, prevention is key. As others have suggested, don't host playdates at your home. And never, ever leave your child's side when he is playing with younger kids. Intervene BEFORE he can push or whatever. Does this make it less fun for you? Yes. Does it mean you don't really get to visit with friend? Yes. But it is a necessary part of good parenting at this age in this situation. If what you are truly wanting to do is visit with your friend, you would be better served to do it without children in tow.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

That is a really hard age. They seam like they should get natural consequences already but a lot of kids just don't get it yet. I'm a lucky mom of a very laid back and sensitive kid, for the most part. he didn't really go through a pushing stage. We had a problem with waiting turns, and we up and left in the middle of a Gymboree Class because he kept trying to run past other kids to go first once. I only had to bail out on the one class and let him know why we were leaving the one time. I reminded him in the parking lot what happened last time when we went to our next class and he was great about taking turns ever since. But I know that much of that is his personality.

However, the teacher of the class made a huge huge huge deal out of what I did. She praised me, and my son repeatedly for having left and for him now being so good about taking turns. Why? Not because she was a hard ass, but because she watched parents all day long either do nothing when their angel pushed over another kid or threaten until they were blue in the face but never actually follow through and leave class.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

When my DD was 22 months I started babysitting a relative's 12 month old at my home. Within a month my DD got tired of sharing her space and started pushing and hitting the girl. I tried preventing it but it just wasn't working so I stopped watching the little girl. The family moved and we visited them a month ago, and stayed 3 days. My DD had just turned 29 months and the other LO was 19 months old. The situation had reversed, except the 19 month old little girl screams and bites along with hitting and pushing. My DD would rub her hair and ask her if she was ok when the little girl would scream or push. The child's father(a SAHD) picks her up and says 'you can't hit/bite/push, come sit with me'. All the conflict stopped when we took them outside with a couple of balls or the park. They played pretty well about 70% of the time. We just had to shadow them alot.

I was so less upset than the other mom was 7 months ago, even though her LO is more violent than mine was.

It is just the age.


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## RolliePollie (May 10, 2006)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I wrote the post right after yesterday's incident so it might have seemed jumbled. We both talked and did notice that it's easier to do activities together outside the home (like going to the playground or for walks) anywhere that DS has his OWN space. DS reallllly does love my friend and her baby and vice versa, but I think we both have been trying to force them into a hopeless situation. Maybe when they are older, but for right now we'll stick to what works. She's my neighbor, too, so we see each other daily.

*eta - I also wanted to say that DS used to be in the same position when he was younger.


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## baltic_ballet (May 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cravenab00* 
i'm going to be the sole voice of dissent here.

i dont think your friend has issues at all. i think she is doing what she has to to keep her child safe.

i agree that certain ages, bring different challenges. but it is our job as parents to ensure that our children learn what behavior is appropriate and what is not. it may take time for them to learn it, but consistency is the key.

i think the attitude that "your friend just has to deal with it" is really crappy.

i've been the friend, and watched my kids get bullied and hurt, and watched the other child's mother just say "no no" and walk away. and she seemed so confused when i'd just had enough and kept the distance.

it may be wise to avoid playdates until this is resolved.









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## TefferTWH (May 13, 2008)

I have to say that this is a great thread with lots of good advice and discussion. My son has been both at the giving and receiving end of this type of behavior, and both sides are maddening to the mothers involved. No one wants to see them upset or hurt, and it's hard to teach them to be little humans! I just evaluate every day as it comes and try to adjust our actvities to what he can handle that day. I can't say that I never blow up for aggressive behavior on the part of my son or that I don't get angry when another child hurts him doing the same things, but that I work as much as possible to teach him the right things.

That said, we have noticed also that teaching the aggressor some other tactics for getting what he wants, like trading or taking turns, really appeals to the 2 year old's sense of fairness. My son is much less likely to have a fit if he knows that his friend will have a turn for a limited amount of time and that he'll get his turn before his attention wanes. The same goes with teaching them to trade, since most of the time they hop from toy to toy anyway. If you can get the other mom on board with trying something new, perhaps model it yourself (kids love to see adults doing kid things) and either praise or brag on good behavior to reinforce it, you will see a change.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

At two he is still at the very beginning of the learning to share phase and it is unlikely that he realizes the age, size, or developmental differences between him and his friend. He only realizes that the baby has a toy he wants. As you give him gentle feedback about what he is doing and point out when he is sharing in an excited voice he will become more able to play like older children. Your friend is going to be in this position soon whether her child is aggressive or not and if she reacts aggressively that may reinforce aggressiveness. I loved having coffee with friends without kids when they were in the harder ages. It was a nice break for me and bonding experience for her father.


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## N8'sMom (Jun 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz* 
Would you want your son somewhere where he was always being told 'no", "stop", "don't" and having things grabbed out of his hands and pushed off things? Probably wouldn't be much fun for him. And it's not much fun for the one year old either. Your friend does not have issues because she doesn't want her son treated like that, and your son is not mean. You just have kids that aren't compatible at this time.

On the other hand, if everyone is saying he's very unpleasant to be around you may want to think about that.









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## *LoveBugMama* (Aug 2, 2003)

My son was like that, too. It`s totally normal.








It`s a really difficult phase, because none of us wants our kids to hurt other kids. I understand why the other mother wants to protect her kid, ofcourse. But that does NOT mean that your kid is mean!!


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