# If you were spanked as a child...



## Cloth4Colin (Dec 12, 2004)

Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children.

However, I'm not seeing it. To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children.

I was heavily spanked as a child and would act out even more when spanked - which only lead to even more, harder, spanking. I think that now as a parent myself, it makes me think my parents were only acting out their own anger and frustration. Granted, I wasn't an easy kid, but obviously spanking wasn't effective for me.

What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.


----------



## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

I for one was never "fed" the "spanking out of love" thing, so I do not have experience with that.

When I was spanked I saw (analyzing it now) -

1) my mom completely losing it
2) doing it because she knew "others" were expecting a show (she valued the opinion of "others" to a mind-boggling extreme)
3) doing it because "that's what you supposed to do"
4) my father "getting even" and "showing me my proper place"

I would not speak for all the "spankees", but I believe if I saw a better way to teach kids i would have caught on earlier (I admit to spanking DS a few times in his early years. It was about 15 years ago, though, I was a child myself and did what children do - tried to "model" my parents, but could not bring myself to do it "efficiently" enough and statrted hiding "my weakness"







)


----------



## Catherine12 (May 15, 2006)

I was spanked as a kid. Not past the age of at most 5. Mostly what I remember about it is being extremely embarassed when it was done in public. My parents didn't hit hard enough for it to hurt, but I felt it was very shaming.


----------



## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I was spanked as a child. I don't know (in realy life) anyone my age who wasn't. My parents didn't use it for everything, just big "you need to remember not to do this again" things.

I know there are other alternatives, but in 1975 and both of them working and in their early 20s, they didn't look for or know of alternatives and they just did what everyone else did. I don't have a problem with that.

I don't feel I was abused, and didn't feel abused at the time. I don't spank, won't spank, and my parents support that. For one thing, I have a brother who is 25 years younger than me and even my parents say things are "different now" and people just "know about more things." In other words, there are more alterntives and they use them.

This, to me, is just the natural evolution of things. Before my generation of kids who were spanked, my parent's generation was for the most part treated much more harshly, as were the children of the generation before them.

My parents were, in my opinion, fairly consistent in their expectations and consequences and they didn't spank or punish for every little thing. Honestly, my idea of "discipline" is very similar to theirs, I just don't spank. I feel that if we all know the expectations, the expectations are reasonable, and the consequences are relevent and predictable...well, at least we're on the right track.

I just don't have all this rage and resentment about being spanked.


----------



## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cloth4Colin*
Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

Both.

I understand the desire to spank, the feeling of needing to DO SOMETHING, to punish, the need for an "or else." I understand how easy it is to spank versus all the hard hard hard work of preventing the situations that would lead us to a place where I want to punish.

But I also have the benefit of seeing how that played out for my mom. Mom is like the Queen of Hearts, "ALL ways are MY ways." I don't think she thinks of herself that way, but honestly, even now that her kids are adults, she still thinks her feelings/desires/plans/etc should trump ours. It's a ridiculous control issue. She has very little respect for her kids as human beings and very little ability to step outside of her own feelings and consider the feelings of others. Little ability to give the benefit of the doubt. Her adult kids don't like her. We love her because she's our mom, and she does have redeeming qualities, but she's not a good friend to us. Spanking and other reactionary discipline techniques were part of what set up years and years of power struggle between her and us. I don't want that for my kids.

Quote:

I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children.
I'm sure that's true. I have struggled horribly for the past year with spanking/discipline issues. But like I said, I'm also more inclined to fight against that and to work toward change.

Maybe it's that being spanked affects the baseline parenting urges...but who they are, how they approach the world in general, what they think of their relationship with their parents, how "in their head" they parent, etc will all affect what they do with that urge. Do they give in to it? Do they fight it?

Many people don't question the way they were brought up, so those people are probably more likely to become spankers. One fortunate thing about my upbringing is that I was raised to question the status quo. And I tend to live in my head a lot, I over-think things all the time.







So I have thought about my parents and myself a LOT and read a lot about parenting philosophies and their applications...and that's what has resulted in our working toward a more gentle parenting style.


----------



## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

I should also add that I don't think it was the spanking per se that created the power issues between my mom and her kids. I think she spanked as a part of a larger philosophy of "because I said so" parental control and a view of children as trying to manipulate adults and "get away with" bad behavior.

It was the way she thought about and related to her kids that resulted in the current state of affairs. It wasn't just the spanking.

Nor do I consider myself to be abused - at least not as far as the spanking went. Again, it was the nature of the relationship itself that hurt.

I do think that there may be parents who only spank because they think they have to but who relate to their children with respect the rest of the time. Maybe. And maybe it's easier for those kids to be gentle?

As a side note: I remember my mom speaking derisively about "parent effectiveness training" and parents who try to be their kids' friends and "permissive" parents. I realized recently that my parenting is a lot like a family friend's parenting. My mom really rolled her eyes about that family for their parenting, Waldorf schooling, and other crunchy lifestyle choices. Oddly I have ended up closer to their choices (by sheer coincidence, I didn't know them well enough growing up for them to shape me that way) than to my mom's choices. And for all their *horrible* lifestyle choices, those kids seem happy and well adjusted now, and minus the mommy baggage that the kids in my family have.


----------



## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

*Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?*

Well, I can understand where they were coming from-- abusive childhoods of their own, depression and anxiety problems and poor coping skills. But that doesn't make me now think it was okay.

*I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children. However, I'm not seeing it. To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children.*

Yes, I started out saying I would never spank my son, and then I did anyway, because it was like this automatic response. I was perpetuating my mom's parenting style (not as bad though.) But I felt so badly about it, I made the effort to STOP a couple of months ago. I put a big red star on the calendar for the last day I would ever hot my son, and then went on bravely from there. Well, it turned out I did hit him two other times after that, but that was it. It is very hard for me to know what to do with him when he misbehaves, it is a real challenge for me to relearn the programming of my whole upbringing, but I am so happy that we are succeeding!

*What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.*

I don't think it's a case of them wanting to, per se, but that, like me, they may just not know any other way, and when it's an automatic reaction, it seems natural and normal, which makes it seem okay. Also there is a sense of comfort, scurity, and continuity in carrying on the tradtions of your forbears . . . even when they are wrong wrong wrong. I think people who are in tune with their consciences can feel that it's not right, but those who have become more selfish and morally numbed don't know-- or don't want to know.


----------



## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

My situation is a little different in that my mom didnt start being physically violent with me until I was older, like in elementary school. Before that she never spanked or hit. Either way violence is violence and it DOES have an effect on me. I find old feelings returning when my 1 year old challenges my patience, ( I just posted about this too! ) And I hate it because I do not want to ever hit my children but the urge is there. I guess I'm still largely in denial about where those feelings stem from. In a strange way I'm glad I had the abusive experiences because I KNOW for sure that that is not the way I want to raise my children- no questions about that.


----------



## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I was spanked, and a belt used on my bare butt. At 2 years old and beyond. It was b/c they "loved" me. But it seemed to happen when they were angry, and having a bad day. (the car broke down, bad day at work, fight with inlaws or each other, etc) I could have hardly did anything wrong at all... Maybe cried too long after scraping my knee or something, and then I would get "something to cry about" if I didn't stop crying on command. I wont hit dd (when she is older, she is now only 10 months so spanking hasn't even come to mind yet) , and I won't b/c I do love her and do not wish to hurt or humiliate her. If I am angry, I can give MYSELF a time out so I do not hurt her. Even if it means her crying alone. (I will probably get flamed for saying that) It is better for me to settle down and let her cry alone a few minutes, than for me to hit her out of anger/frustration that is getting out of hand.


----------



## RootBeerFloat (Nov 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *irinam*
I for one was never "fed" the "spanking out of love" thing, so I do not have experience with that.

When I was spanked I saw (analyzing it now) -

1) my mom completely losing it
2) doing it because she knew "others" were expecting a show (she valued the opinion of "others" to a mind-boggling extreme)
3) doing it because "that's what you supposed to do"
4) my father "getting even" and "showing me my proper place"

ITA. We were never spanked out of "love," only out of revenge, fear, and anger. I am working HARD to prevent those same feelings from taking over me and I can definitely say that my experience of being hit as a kid has made me that much more determined not to do it myself.

Also, I can see how it makes people more likely to do it as adults. I have many times had to stop myself from smacking dd. I am horrified and embarassed by this, but it's true! In most instances, she did something that provoked a strong emotion that overwhelmed me; often it is fear. It takes alot of daily effort and some lifestyle changes to manage my emotions and not slip into the strong pull of habit. I can see how not everyone is up for making those kinds of changes.


----------



## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I honestly don't mind that I was spanked as a kid. My mom saved it for important things. I was probably spanked no more than 5 times in my entire upbrining. I never felt shamed. I was just sad that I disapointed my mom. I don't spank now because I don't see the point if I can parent without it. I remember my mother being very sad after she'd swat me (I never got more than one or two swats at a time). Sometimes she'd just hold me on her lap afterword and we'd shed a tear together until we both felt better. I was always sent to my room while my mother decided what to do....she never spanked in anger.


----------



## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

I was spanked. We were never swatted at in a moment of anger, or overwhelmedness, but we were spanked at times when we insisted on not cooperating or if we did something that was judged a very bad decision. I remember one particular instance when my (male and older) cousins were at our house, and we all climbed into a tree by the street and threw things at the cars driving by. Pieces of the tree, not rocks or anything...but still not a great decision. My dad lined us all up and spanked us on our bottoms with a belt. One of the very few times I got the belt, and damn, it hurt. My mother usually handled spanking instances fairly well, it was a decision made to spank, she would send us to our rooms for a few minutes so she would calm down and then come spank us. She actually said once, "I'm not going to lie and say that this hurts me more than it hurts you. It's not true. I hate doing it, but I know it hurts you more."

Personally, it made me feel strongly about not spanking. My mother has since said that she thinks that I, a highly, highly sensitive and timid child, should never have been spanked. She's also admitted that she struggled a great deal with anger (alcoholic, absent husband, no parental support, moved 6x in two years, so no friends or support system) with my older sister, who was highly spirited, and physically punished her in ways that she now considers to be abuse...like a slap on the face, or a bruise left on the legs a few times. She is horribly ashamed about it, and has asked our forgiveness many times. I think her transparency about her decisions and hearing her regrets has helped me so much cement the idea that I think there are so many better ways to discipline than spank. I need to tell her that, BTW. I'm glad I answered.


----------



## ShiningStar (Jul 8, 2006)

I was spanked as a child. My mother raised me by herself. I do see where she was coming from, but only because that's all that she knew. That's what everyone did. IMHO, my spankings felt more like my mother releasing her own frustrations as opposed to punishing bad behavior. It was also very shaming even when not done in front of other people. That's the main reason I don't plan to spank. The way spankings made me feel inside was more damaging and lasted longer than the physical pain.

Even though I plan on being the exception, I see why spanked ppl will be more likely to spank. First, it's just what you know. It also is an homage to what your parents did. Of course our parents did what they felt was best for us, so it must be right. Also when you spank, you know that the child was affected by your discipline, because you see them cry.

I have more thoughts, but its time to nurse.


----------



## Patchfire (Dec 11, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cloth4Colin*
Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

...

What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.

I was never spanked in the heat of the moment. It was always a 'reasoned' decision, as if they had contemplated all possible other solutions and it was the best one available.

I think that people who were spanked out of anger might be more likely to spank, because it's a learned response to anger. (For example - when my parents fought, one of them would often go out for a drive before coming back to work it out. Dh and I were married 3 or 4 years before I learned a different pattern.) Since it was literally used a 'discipline technique' and not in anger, I think I'm less likely to spank.

I hated it, though, and looking back, I hate it even more. Their decision to spank comes from an entirely different worldview, that people are inherently 'bad' and that it's up to parents to get them to behave 'good,' because otherwise, children will run wild and become tools of the devil or something. Every time I sense myself doing anything discipline-wise similar to them, I cringe, because it reminds me of that attitude. Not everything they did was anti-GD, but I still mentally associate it with that.


----------



## jackaroosmom (May 12, 2006)

I was spanked as a child and was told the old "this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you" bull! I vividly remember the pain as well as my vow to never get caught doing whatever it was I was getting spanked for.

Not once did I think, wow, I deserve this pain. I won't do that again because I see the error of my ways! I learned to lie and be secretive. Two things I don't want my child to inherit!

Oh, and I remember thinking I hated my mother more than anything! Another thing I would like to avoid!

I will never raise a hand to my child. Look, my childhood was sucky for so many reasons that I decided at the age of 18 to go to school and study early childhood education and become a teacher so that I could learn how to some day be a better parent than the one I got!

Having been a preschool teacher and not allowed to use punitive discipline anyway, I managed just fine to keep my class of 18 children under control, so I know that spanking is completely unneccessary.

I am sure that if I didn't get into teaching, I would be concerned about following in my spanking-mother's footsteps.

But I dont! Thank goodness


----------



## Charles Baudelaire (Apr 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cloth4Colin*
Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children.

However, I'm not seeing it. To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children.

I was heavily spanked as a child and would act out even more when spanked - which only lead to even more, harder, spanking. I think that now as a parent myself, it makes me think my parents were only acting out their own anger and frustration. Granted, I wasn't an easy kid, but obviously spanking wasn't effective for me.

What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.

My history sounds a lot like yours. It was one major reason we decided never to spank, because spanking never did much for me except make me hate my mom a little -- and sometimes more than a little -- when I didn't have to, and predispose me to act out by hitting when angry, something I've worked hard to control for the last thirty years.

When my dd was about 2, she was having a really bad meltdown and my mom stuck her finger in my face, and said, "If I were you, I'd spank her."

For all the times she swore that she never spanked in anger, I recognized that face and I realized in that split second that it had all been a lie. _Of course_ she'd spanked me in anger.

I looked at her and said, "But you're not me."


----------



## mika85 (Aug 9, 2006)

My step-Dad was the one that really spanked me, my Mom would only send me to my room, and my real Dad only spanked me a couple of times. For the most part I was a well behaved child, and I was terrified of being spanked, because when I was my Step-Dad would spank me so hard he would leave hand prints. He did feel bad about it, and would come to me and apologize afterwards. He did it because it was all he knew for discipline. My Mom would make him do it, tho, because she didn't have the heart to spank me herself.









Even though I think it did make me behave (mostly out of fear, tho), I really think that its wrong to hit someone so much smaller than you, and never want to spank my kids. There's nothing a child could do to deserve to be hit. It hurts physically, but I remember it hurt even worse emotionally.

My DD is too young to be disciplined (2 months), and I hope that I don't ever have the urge to spank her when she's misbehaving. That's why I want to learn about GD so I have an alternative.


----------



## Meghann (Aug 28, 2006)

My parents spanked us very sparingly when we were growing up. I don't remember being spanked past the age of maybe 7 or 8. I do remember that my mom spanked harder than my dad!!!









I am completely against spanking. My mom and I still get into some heated discussions about this because she doesn't feel what they did was wrong. Neither of us are physically or emotionally harmed from it because it was so rare but that doesn't change my opinion that it is just plain WRONG.

I am of the mind that no should hit anyone for any reason. So nothing could possibly give me the right to hit my (or anyone else's) child. Ever. The only way to make them learn that physical violence is _wrong_, is by being an example of that. She just doesn't get it, which amazes me because she "gets it" about so many other issues. (BF, SAHM, etc.)

I don't think that being spanked is what keeps me from spanking, though. For me, it just more a philosophy I grew to believe in from working in child protection and with survivors of domestic violence.


----------



## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Caitlin320 wrote

Quote:

It is very hard for me to know what to do with him when he misbehaves, it is a real challenge for me to relearn the programming of my whole upbringing, but I am so happy that we are succeeding!
I just want to congratulate you on your commitment to overcome spanking!















:


----------



## 2much2luv (Jan 12, 2003)

My parents did it out of love and because they thought it was the right (and biblical) way to discipline. They never did it in anger (at least that I could see) and I never responded in anger. It wasn't traumatic or anything for me. I guess you could say spanking "worked" for me, because I didn't act out from them.

I have to work hard not to spank my children. My instincts in the heat of the moment tell me to spank them. I suppose just because that's what kind of parenting was modeled for me as a child.


----------



## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

I was never spanked as a child - I can remember being threatened with it a few times and giggling because it was beyond my scope of knowledge at the time.

We do not spank or hit, no matter what.

So now I wonder why every time I feel I'm about to lose it with my daughter... I'm itching to hit or lash out.







:

That would make a good thread - parents who were raised GD and are struggling with GD themselves.


----------



## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

I was spanked often and honestly I can not understand how my parents could have done that to me and my brother. I don't see how they could have beaten us with wooden spoons, shoes, belts etc. in the name of love. It was about trying to make us obey, it wasn't about love. The memories still haunt me, there was a whole system to the ordeal that is really disturbing and sickening. I do feel it was abusive and it has cause me to be adament about never doing the same to my children.

I also saw it became a real problem for them because as I got older when spankings would no longer work they had no control over me anymore.


----------



## blsilva (Jul 31, 2006)

My parents rarely spanked, though, when they did, it was usually because they were at their limit, and didn't know how else to handle it. They really didn't think of spanking as wrong because it was the most common form of discipline at the time, and resources on other forms of discipling were few & far between. My mom hated it, and cried with us when she did it, and the few times my dad did it, there was no heart to it- it was more a symbolic brush on the butt. Neither of them really felt right about it.
When I had kids, I swore I would never spank them, but when my oldest was 2, I started doing it when I had no idea what else to do. He is very spirited, though I knew nothing about tha term at the time, and I felt lost. The problem for me was that he was not acting better for it, and I felt myself beginning to lose control, adn do it every time I got angry.
That was when I read "The Discipline book" by Dr Sears and quit spanking him. Since then, I have read many other GD books, and have implemented many of the ideas recommended in them. He & I are both better for it. Not perfect, but better.


----------



## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

I was spanked with a wooden paddle pretty regularly, and until I was pretty old. I don't recall the spankings being particularly painful but they were humiliating and shaming. I remember from my youngest days always swearing to myself that I would never, EVER hit my child. I *always* knew it was wrong to spank, and that there were better ways to bring up a child.


----------



## CalebsMama05 (Nov 26, 2005)

I feel like a bad mommy







I was spanked...it was never in anger (my mom didn't want us to equate making mommy mad with *getting into trouble*) but it was humiliating and didn't *teach* me anything.

I planned to never spank my child I couldn't understand how it could ever be okay and I've discovered that its a lot of hard work reprogramming reflex reactions. I have managed for the most part to reason out the best *response* to teach ds#1 good behavior vs bad behavior (mainly redirection at this point and modeling)

Imagine my horror one day when he came up to me and wanted a cuddle and he suddenly SCREECHED IN MY EAR and what did i do but pull back and slap him in the mouth and say "do not ever do that again!"

Right now I am relearning reflex reactions and on the rare occasion I do slap or hit or spank I always do the same thing. I hug him and tell him that hitting is NOT okay under any circumstances and mommy and he need to learn together to be nicer to everyone especially each other and I ask him to forgive me. i'm not sure he understands right now but it makes me feel better. I do feel better that I'm succeeding at my goal of not hitting. it really is only when I am startled as mentioned above. and right now along with learning to not hit i'm also trying to learn not to have any reflex action but that seems like a pointless endeaver as I always have something in reflex. I'm trying to say ow instead of *doing* anything.

it is hard.


----------



## Brigianna (Mar 13, 2006)

Yes, I can understand why my parents did it, because I can understand what it is to reach that level of frustration and anger. But they didn't claim to spank out of love or anything like that, and they didn't do it that often. It wasn't an ideological thing, and I don't think it was tied to any larger pattern of disrespect (although spanking is of course a highly disrespectful act). In a weird way, it was almost the opposite--my parents, especially my dad, treated me more like an adult from an early age, so they respected me more, but at the same time, they expected me to have the judgment of an adult, the logic of an adult, the self control of an adult, from when I was 4 or 5, and they were very visibly angry and disappointed when I didn't live up to this. So I tried to meet their expectations not so much to avoid punishment, but to live up to my "privileged" status.

It wasn't being spanked as a child that made me anti-spanking. It was the realization that children are the most defenseless, powerless, disenfranchised members of society. Children are essentially prisoners; subjugating them further is, I believe, an act of undeniable cruelty. Which is what I tell myself when I do reach that level of frustration and anger.

As to why adult spankees are more likely to become spankers, I'm sure there are many reasons for that, but I think one of them is that there is a perceived correlation (wrongful IMO) between parenting style and outcome. No one wants to believe that he or she came out "wrong," so people are likely to reject anything that might imply that, including criticism of their parents' child-rearing methods. If anti-spankers would stop promoting this idea that spanked children are "damaged," so people could freely criticize their upbringing without implicating themselves, I think there would be a lot less of that (spanked children growing up to become spankers).


----------



## kerilynn (Sep 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caitlin320*
*Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?*

Well, I can understand where my mom and stepdad were coming from-- abusive childhoods of their own, depression and anxiety problems and poor parenting and life-coping skills. But that doesn't make me now think it was okay.

*I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children. However, I'm not seeing it. To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children.*

Yes, I started out saying I would never spank my son, and then I did anyway, because it was like this automatic response. I was perpetuating my mom's parenting style (not as bad though.) But I felt so badly about it, I made the effort to STOP a couple of months ago. I put a big red star on the calendar for the last day I would ever hot my son, and then went on bravely from there. Well, it turned out I did hit him two other times after that, but that was it. It is very hard for me to know what to do with him when he misbehaves, it is a real challenge for me to relearn the programming of my whole upbringing, but I am so happy that we are succeeding!

*What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.*

I don't think it's a case of them wanting to, per se, but that, like me, they may just not know any other way, and when it's an automatic reaction, it seems natural and normal, which makes it seem okay. Also there is a sense of comfort, scurity, and continuity in carrying on the tradtions of your forbears . . . even when they are wrong wrong wrong. I think people who are in tune with their consciences can feel that it's not right, but those who have become more selfish and morally numbed don't know-- or don't want to know.











We were beat as kids ... and I have fantasies about how easy it would be to spank DS since he is so active, so demanding, and so into testing boundaries. But I am determined to break the cycle.


----------



## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalebsMama05*
Right now I am relearning reflex reactions and on the rare occasion I do slap or hit or spank I always do the same thing. I hug him and tell him that hitting is NOT okay under any circumstances and mommy and he need to learn together to be nicer to everyone especially each other and I ask him to forgive me. i'm not sure he understands right now but it makes me feel better. I do feel better that I'm succeeding at my goal of not hitting. it really is only when I am startled as mentioned above. and right now along with learning to not hit i'm also trying to learn not to have any reflex action but that seems like a pointless endeaver as I always have something in reflex. I'm trying to say ow instead of *doing* anything.

it is hard.

It is so hard. I have these reflexes, too. Most of the time, I feel I have them firmly under control, but I've had a hard time while being pregnant.

As far as spanking, my mother spanked us, but it was not at all out of love. She never did it in public, at least that I can remember. I think she would have been embarrassed, because it was all about her losing her temper and lashing out.

It's interesting, because in many ways, my parents used GD. I can't remember my dad ever hitting me, though my sister said he spanked us very lightly once. They never really punished us, except for grounding me a couple of times in high school. But my mom had major anger issues and would frequently lash out and strike us. This rarely had anything to do with our behavior. Something that was completely acceptable one day would warrant a slap the next. She didn't "spank" very often, mostly just hitting or kicking what was available. True temper tantrums.

My sister and I talk about this a lot, she also GDs her kids. She was telling me a story about when she and my mom were driving and my mom was very stressed out and in a hurry and she hit a deer. Her reaction to hitting the deer was to slap my sister across the nose.

This is the HARDEST part of this legacy for me to get over. I really hate how I'm always looking for someone to blame or something to break, curse or strike. Today I was trying to make a paint sprayer work, I was hungry, I wanted to get my kids from the babysitter, and it took A TON of willpower to not throw it down on the patio and beat it with a rock until it was a million pieces.

I really hope I'm going to be able to do better by my children and not pass on this anger.


----------



## Jade2561 (Jun 12, 2005)

My father used physical punishment my whole life until I moved out of the house at 18. It made me feel angry, resentful and worthless and I would never want my children to feel that way.


----------



## chandasz (Apr 13, 2005)

I was spanked as a child and the legacy it left me was the humiliation and the powerlessness and the anger that comes out of that. My parents didn't spank me often but there was a lot of violence in my family between my parents. In response, I was a very rebellious and angry teenager who had some major anger management issues. It's taken me YEARS to deal with more appropriate anger responses. I think my husband has helped a lot with that. As an adult, I realize that my parents did their best and we are very close. My mother was the victim of horrible abuse and didn't pass on that legacy but it affected her ability to have a normal relationship with my father (they're divorced-- thank god). My dad had his own issues growing up with a somewhat abusive father and a mentally ill mother.

I resolved a lot of these issues within me before starting my family. I have SWORN that I will not raise a child that will ever feel the need to have that kind of anger. I'm glad I waited until I was "older" to start my family so I had the maturity to understand that. Hitting is wrong. Hitting as discipline is not only wrong- it's doesn't make sense.

I still resist the urges to sometimes whack my hubby in the arm when I'm super mad at him but I've never had that kind of anger against my child. I understand the developmental process and what is normal behavior for a child so how could I be angry!


----------



## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

My mom spanked us all the time and I think honestly she did not want children and it was too much for her to handle having 2 little kids at the same time. She was too impatient. Even if we weren't being bad it was like we were "in the way" or something and so she was still frustrated, even if we weren't bad. That's all I remember really, just that she was CONSTANTLY frustrated and never happy.

My dad spanked us every now and then not out of anger, just because that's the only way he knew to "discipline" but the problem with that is that he is a control freak so he thinks everything kids do is "wrong" so that leads him to spank way too much. Like when I see my parents interact with my kids they are constantly correcting Benji for things that we don't even think are "misbehavior," but to them everything a kid does is automatically misbehavior. They can't just let a kid exist and be happy and play and learn, it has to be controlled in every possible way. It's revolting. That's why I don't raise my kids that way.

ETA: But I do struggle not to smack the daylights out of Benji sometimes. It is a reflex and so hard to stop oneself.


----------



## alba (Aug 20, 2006)

I was never spanked by my mom. One day in school I was spanked by the principal, holding my ankles, three times with a wooden paddle, hard! Of course when I cam back to class, everyone knew. It was awful. Mom pulled me imediately!

Anyway, I wanted to say that I was raised GD, and have no troubles using it. Dh was punished with belts and such, and often has an issue with handling our kids less than charming behavior, but considering his upbringing, I am SO proud of him. I also think it is harder for men, because of the respect ideal, and their own personal violation/lack of respect as children. Does that make sense?


----------



## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I understood where they were coming from before I was a parent, and now that I am one, I understand it even more. They felt it was the way things were done, and moreover, they were frustrated. Heck, I've been tempted to spank my kids more times than I can count. It would be such a satisfying way to take out all my anger and frustration. Yeah, that would really show them how pissed off they've made me!

But, having been spanked as a kid, I don't do it. I remember how it made me feel, and I don't want my kids to experience that.


----------



## amyjeans (Jul 27, 2004)

my dad spanked me because of 2 things:
1-he was manic depressive and was an angry depressed person and lashed out in anger.
2-I was spanked because I did stupid things. I made mistakes, I didn't think before acting. My spankings continued untl I was 10 or 11. I skrewed up a lot, and not suprisingly, I continued to make mistakes. Eventually I got better, but then my dad died when I was 13 and well...for another thread.
I feel the only time I have the urge to want to spank my kids is when I am angry. So no matter what is happening-short of a major injury- I give myself a time-out, then address the situation.

oh, and as a result of my spankings- I was deathly afraid of my dad.


----------



## arlecchina (Jul 25, 2006)

how odd, once I saw the question, I dont remember ever being spanked, *exactly*. I remember being thrown down stairs, kicked, punched, smacked in the face, had boiling water thrown on me, etc and uhm no...I dont recall spankings. I got it with the belt a few times but ass-naked and until I bled which is kinda beyond spanking. and yup, I was told that when I had kids I'd understand. I sure dont.


----------



## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

I wasn't "spanked" like most people are "spanked". I was downright abused by my Dad. Cracked skull, broken nose, Scoliosis from a hard slam to the ground you name it. It doesn't work no matter how soft OR hard you are hit. The entire notion that hitting corrects "bad" behavior is ridiculous. My dear sweet Mom however did find other ways to help me see which behaviors were acceptable and which were NOT. I LOVE her and I still can't say anything nice to Dad.


----------



## umsami (Dec 1, 2003)

My parents did use spanking as a form of discipline... but it was rare. Maybe once a year, if that. You knew you had really crossed the line when it happened. They never spanked out of anger, though... which now as a parent, I admire greatly. Honestly, I don't feel it had any ill effects on me, although I choose not to spank my kids. I think it affects different kids in different ways. My eldest is very sensitive... and that would crush him. Actually, just showing displeasure... frowning at him... used to start him crying.

I can see how kids of spankers would be more likely to be spankers just in that their parents would advise them to use that form of discipline. My Mom has said to me on more than one occassion that she would give my son a swift hit to the bottom for that behavior...


----------



## amyjeans (Jul 27, 2004)

come to think of it- I wasnt spanked, I was hit with the belt. Boy, what a sad era that was.


----------



## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

Its sad that belts were used on so many of us.







I wonder whose idea it was to begin with, to smack kids with belts on their bare bottoms? That is sick and twisted, IMO. I don't believe for one second that people feel they do this "out of love" and "it hurts the beltER more". Its just downright inhumane! Its torture! How do these abusers expect a young child to process this? Can't this be seen as some kind of sick, twisted, sex fantasy? Why the kids bottom, and why bare? And Im sure its done in a humiliating, compromising position like my father made us stand in. (bending over the coffee table, bear butt in the air) I need to leave this thread. I am getting very angry and its not healthy.


----------



## `guest` (Nov 20, 2001)

I was spanked and otherwise abused as a child, but the emotional abuse for me was far worse. I have never hit my children, and find other ways to work with my own anger and their behavior. I have friends who joke about their parents, "My mama used to throw shoes at me: etc. and they aren't bitter about it. But I am. I think there is more than the act, it's what is behind it, too. When you are raised by a stressed out single mom who loves you but doesnt know what else to do, it's different than being raised by emotionally and physically abusive people who act like they hate you and tell you how awful you are all the time...I'm not condoning spanking, it's just what is behind the act that is important as the act itself, I think.

Hopefully, someday we will all be able to realize that it doesn't help to spank, or hit, and even worse, to feel hated or disliked by your parents...instead of valued and loved, which all children should feel. I am again, NOT saying spanking is okay, just that the intent behind it is also a factor.


----------



## arelyn (Mar 24, 2006)

I was spanked a lot. My mom didn't know of any other punishment so that's what happened. It was not done out of love, it was done because we were bad or we were So Frustrating. She made sure we knew exactly where she was coming from. It's the only punishment I got until I was 15 or 16 and it was ridiculous how often she hit us. I was really sensitive and would cry when just criticised, much less yelled at. Unfortunately that counted as So Frustrating. Unlike many posters my father NEVER hit me or my strong willed sister and we both totally respect him and always have. Mom meanwhile is never taken seriously.

Actually what really makes me angry is that she's totally non-repentant. She actually asked me how she did as a parents a couple years ago. I said pretty good, you could have hit us a little less or tried sending us to our room (or something like that). And (even though I gave her the sugar coated response) she flipped out. "Well, you really deserved some of those spankings!" and stormed off. I wonder what would have happened if I'd told her that I thought she did lousy.

But I can totally see how spankees are more likely to spank. Judging from my behavoir towards my poor husband I'll probably wallop the kids out of anger a few times. I'm trying hard not to hit when I'm angry but I guess that's just what I'm used to. DH informs me that I'm doing much, much better already. Maybe I'll break myself of the habit before the kids come. And hopefully I won't revert once DC hits the troublsome threes.


----------



## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

Yes, I got spanked and the wooden spoon on occasion. that spoon hurt far more than the open hand did. It wasn't very often but I remember the times quite clearly. the spoon was always the threat too, not the 'spanking'.

This is a 'no hit household'. we do not hit or spank here. hitting is never ok!!
but sadly I too (like many pp) have that instant impulse reaction to swat out and spank, though I've never done it -I have clapped my hands very loudly and hard, while taking deep breaths and generally talking myself down.
So far I've been able to get past that impulse and that moment and I pray I'll keep that control each time and never strike my child.








Mamas and to the wee ones you once were.


----------



## jet1295mamajenn (Jul 21, 2006)

My sisters & I were spanked, but rarely, and in those instances when we had either gone too far in our behavior (one time for me it was my birthday party and I got out of control...either did something to one of my friends (whatever possessed me to do that, I don't know) like teasing her, lifting her dress...Or I did it myself and mooned everyone (and I was only 8 or 9)) or we had pushed them to their wits end.

I do not resent them, I do not hate them. I have never considered that they had any feelings for us other than total love and the desire for us to be the best people we could be. To this day, we are a very tight-knit family. I love my parents dearly and it would devastate me if anything happened to either of them. I was never hit with a belt or anything else...just an open-handed spanking on a clothed butt.

That being said, when I was pregnant with my first child, now 10, I swore I'd not spank but would find alternative means of handling when he pushed the limits. Then when he got to about 2 or 3, those "terrible twos/terrible threes" he just started doing things that I couldn't figure out how to handle. I'm ashamed that in my frustration I resorted to spanking at times...and I felt absolutely horrible about it. But maybe the few times I was spanked impacted me enough that it was in my subconscious as a means of handling a situation.

The last couple years I have been working very, very hard to not spank, especially since I hated knowing I hurt him and I hated the feeling afterward, like "what did I just do?" I'd always apologize to him. I feel we communicate much better and I feel better knowing that I'm doing better at keeping my cool. I do not want my son to end up as an adult in therapy, remembering that I spanked him!

Now, our DD is 2, and has fully entered the "terrible twos." It's another opportunity for me to find alternative means of handling her boundary-pushing, and I'm grateful for that.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole*
I was spanked as a child. I don't know (in realy life) anyone my age who wasn't. My parents didn't use it for everything, just big "you need to remember not to do this again" things.


Quote:

I don't feel I was abused, and didn't feel abused at the time. I don't spank, won't spank, and my parents support that.

Quote:

My parents were, in my opinion, fairly consistent in their expectations and consequences and they didn't spank or punish for every little thing. Honestly, my idea of "discipline" is very similar to theirs, I just don't spank. I feel that if we all know the expectations, the expectations are reasonable, and the consequences are relevent and predictable...well, at least we're on the right track.

I just don't have all this rage and resentment about being spanked.
That all sounds very familiar. I think my parents were probably quite similar in approach to yours.

I hit ds1 a couple of times when he was younger. I didn't like it. He didn't understand why I hit him (totally unlike my spankings in that), and I was out of control. Being out of control and confusing my child didn't seem like a productive way to parent, so I found ways to get past that. I did hit dd once, when she yanked on ds2's hair while he was nursing, but I pulled it almost as soon as I lashed out, and hardly touched her...the "you hit my baby" reaction kicked in before the "you're my baby, too" reaction did, unfortunately... That one was bad, because dd was just SO stunned that I'd done it.

Anyway - I'm rambling. I was spanked occasionally and have no issues with it. However, it just doesn't feel right for me to do the same thing, so I'm raising my children without spankings.


----------



## monkeys4mama (Apr 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole*
I was spanked as a child. I don't know (in realy life) anyone my age who wasn't. My parents didn't use it for everything, just big "you need to remember not to do this again" things.

<snip>

My parents were, in my opinion, fairly consistent in their expectations and consequences and they didn't spank or punish for every little thing. Honestly, my idea of "discipline" is very similar to theirs, I just don't spank. I feel that if we all know the expectations, the expectations are reasonable, and the consequences are relevent and predictable...well, at least we're on the right track.

I just don't have all this rage and resentment about being spanked.

This pretty much sums up my experience as well. I remember occasional, rare spankings, generally for very serious offenses. It was pretty similar to what my friend's families did, so I don't think I ever thought much of it. Spankings weren't prolonged or very painful (I recall a swat or two and that's about it) nor were they public or humiliating. My parents weren't the kind to lose control and spank in a rage. In fact, in later life discussions about spanking, my father always said that if you're going to spank a child, it must be done by a calm, rational person, not one who is angry and losing it. Usually, it was done when the child was totally out of control and not responding to other disclipine measures.

If my memory serves me correctly, my brother was the recipient of more spankings than me. Not sure what the implications of that may have been other than that he was more likely to act out in more physical and defiant ways than I was (like screaming, throwing things, even breaking a window one time when he was mad). At the time, it made sense to me that these disciplinary actions were deserved. I would think differently about it now, but the original post was looking for our personal feelings and memories of what being spanked as a kid was like. And from my memory bank, spanking was a minor part of childhood experience and not something I harbor significant feelings about one way or the other.

As for me, I have not found spanking to be a necessary thing as a parent, since there are so many other options. But I don't disrespect my parents for how they parented me, including discipline. They clearly loved me and treated me well and with respect. Theirs was a different upbringing and I always have felt that they did the best they could, as they believed fit and as they knew how. I too, am trying to parent lovingly and gently and to the best of my knowledge and abilities. As a part of my parenting beliefs, I work to keep things peaceful and gentle in our home, including not screaming or spanking (no violent or threatening language or behavior of any type is our goal). Of note, my parents respect my parenting choices too. Sometimes they think I "spoil" my kids too much b/c of prolonged family bed and not enforcing early bedtimes and such, but on issues like spanking and extended breastfeeding, they have no criticisms and are quietly supportive.

I think people's experiences of spanking and their resultant feelings about it are likely to be very different depending on what sort of physical discipline was used, how often, under what circumstances, etc, and by the rest of their relationships w/ their parents. The mere existence of the practice of spanking w/in a family doesn't make the family awful nor does growing up w/o spanking necessarily mean the family is a happy, healthy one. Preferably, all children could grow up in happy, healthy, loving families which didn't spank. But I'd rather have grown up in an otherwise healthy family that did spank than in a really messed-up one that didn't.

Not to be construed as a pro-spanking post. But ykwim.


----------



## rozzie'sma (Jul 6, 2005)

I was spanked with a leather belt. My dad even did it in front of my friends and other adults. I am dead set against spanking. I remember his face, he used all his force and I was usually unable to sit for close to a week. He did it out of anger. My mom was actually worse, she would hit you or kick you with anything near her until she was tired. However when my daughter misbehaves I always have to hold myself back from spanking her. I am ashamed to admit it but whenever she needs discipline it is always my first reaction. I don't do it, but it is hard and it takes me a lot of time to think of the appropriate response and by then she usually has no idea what I am upset about anyway. So I can see why spankees turn into spankers, it is very hard to overcome that conditioning, even when you know how bad it is for you and the kids.


----------



## RomanGoddess (Mar 16, 2006)

No I don't think my parents spanked out of love. I think they spanked out of anger and frustration.

But it would not surprise me if you are statistically more likely to spank if you were spanked yourself. If spanking is how you have learned to deal with the situation, then you are going to do it unless you do some real thinking about it first or someone teaches you otherwise.

I do not spank because I know that I would be doing it out of anger and frustration (like my parents before me), not because I want to teach my child.

And when I think back to every spanking that I can remember getting as a child, there is not one where I think "yeah, I really deserved that". Not a one. All I feel is resentment that my parents did that to me.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *monkeys4mama*
I think people's experiences of spanking and their resultant feelings about it are likely to be very different depending on what sort of physical discipline was used, how often, under what circumstances, etc, and by the rest of their relationships w/ their parents. The mere existence of the practice of spanking w/in a family doesn't make the family awful nor does growing up w/o spanking necessarily mean the family is a happy, healthy one. Preferably, all children could grow up in happy, healthy, loving families which didn't spank. But I'd rather have grown up in an otherwise healthy family that did spank than in a really messed-up one that didn't.

Not to be construed as a pro-spanking post. But ykwim.

I totally agree. I actually was abused as a child by two other adults in my life. Neither of them ever laid a hand on me in violence. I don't feel that my mom ever abused me, and she was the one who did the rare spankings. (My dad was never violent with us, but I have no relationship with him today, because he basically ignored us after about age six or so.)

Do I think this means spankings are okay? No - but like the above poster, there are things in my life much, much worse than a spanking, and none of them were violent. The whole topic is complicated, imo, because "spanking" or even "hitting" mean so many different things to different people. There have been posts in this thread about beatings, which are so far outside what I, or anybody else I know, would call a "spanking" that we're not even talking about the same thing.


----------



## craftymom (Jun 27, 2005)

Neither of my boys (6&3) have ever been spanked or hit in any way. Timed out/settled-down time'd, yes.

I was spanked as a kid. Always with a hand and not an object, and always with clothes on. Rarely by my mom. She would tell my dad to spank me when he got home. It didn't happen often, there would be some "big thing." The only time I truly remember is being spanked for dipping my brother's blankie in the toilet after he asked me to. Then he ran to tell that I did it, and I got to wait for dad to get home and spank me for doing something gross. I was probably about 4 then.

FWIW, my mom was whipped with a belt as a kid. Again, not often, but for soemthing "really bad" the belt buckle would be left on. I don't think she ever got the belt buckle though. She was adamant that no object be involved.

My dad tells stories of being hit with a ruler on the knuckles in (public) school.


----------



## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

I had no problem with being spanked as a child. I know that sounds weird to say, but it did 'put me in line'. But, I was also one of those kids that EVERYONE (Stranger on the streets to family member) told my mom to get me on ritalin asap! I wasn't spanked often.
What I had a problem with was emotional abuse, and my stepfathers physical abuse.


----------



## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *monkeys4mama*
I think people's experiences of spanking and their resultant feelings about it are likely to be very different depending on what sort of physical discipline was used, how often, under what circumstances, etc, and by the rest of their relationships w/ their parents. The mere existence of the practice of spanking w/in a family doesn't make the family awful nor does growing up w/o spanking necessarily mean the family is a happy, healthy one. Preferably, all children could grow up in happy, healthy, loving families which didn't spank. But I'd rather have grown up in an otherwise healthy family that did spank than in a really messed-up one that didn't.

Not to be construed as a pro-spanking post. But ykwim.

That's about how I feel.


----------



## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cmlp*
And when I think back to every spanking that I can remember getting as a child, there is not one where I think "yeah, I really deserved that". Not a one. All I feel is resentment that my parents did that to me.

Same here.

My parents will sometimes say to me, about my own kids, "Just give him a spanking!" I don't understand it. We got in a big argument about it once when my father was claiming that kids that are spanked have a higher IQ. I found a bunch of articles stating the opposite and e-mailed them to him. He had no comment.


----------



## mama2toby (Jul 14, 2005)

My dad was big into spanking, with the belt, a wooden spoon or whatever. He had a really hard life growing up and no parents around to show him how to parent. I have forgiven him for it now, but really hated him for a long time. He just didn't know what else to do. He tried to spank me up until 15 yo and thats when I started fighting back. After that we would get into wrestling matches were he was basically trying to hold me down to spank me. Ridiculous! Anyway as a kid I remember being so upset after a spanking and bawling because I couldn't understand why someone who was supposed to love me would want to hurt me. I never want my kids to feel like that. EVER. So even though it is the hardest thing to do sometimes I will never hit my child.


----------



## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

I don't know if I was spanked but know my mother got mad a few times and did when I was younger and would probably pop me on the bottom once as opposed to formal 'spanking' I am from UK so at that time the school I went to did spank (they used a slipper) it was elementary school 5 to 10 years, and that to me is 'spanking' though am happy to report I never was. Really don't hold it against my mother she was very loving and kind and we have always got along great for the most part, and I think it was just what they did then and pretty minor in fact. I do feel that reaction towards DD whether or not its because they did 'spank' me sometimes or not, but am working hard to be a more GD parent (not yelling and staying calm is my biggest challenge and my mother was/is VERY emotional). Would no way say I was abused at all though

DH on the other hand was more than spanked and is less AP than me I posted in the other thread. He would never do what his step-father did to him so to him AP is wildly on the other end of the spectrum and its hard for him to see what normal is though has worked hard on his issues and tries to do the best he can, I have never seen him spank his kids though know he had on occasion but he has changed his views a lot over time though we are stuck now. His level of abuse growing up was extreme and he really had a horrible childhood.


----------



## thefragile7393 (Jun 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cloth4Colin*
What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.

I personally think that spankees are more likely to spank because that is how they were raised, they turned out just fine, and if it's needed then it should be done. I would say many don't even question it.

It wasn't until I came to Mothering and read up on GD, (I still need to read the Discipline Book) that I realized a lot of my anger issues stem from the spanking. Hard to believe to most mainstreamers but...I truely feel it is.

My parents were older parents when I was born...I was a surprise. They were raised during the WWII era. My mom was abused by today's standards by her mom.....thankfully my mom didn't pass any of that down to me when I was born. Both my parents were older and just not really used to children much....so they disciplined me a lot like how they were....but thankfully nowhere near the caliber they got. Spanking didn't happen often for me...that fear was instilled in me.

And that's where some of my problems stem from. I obeyed because I didn't want to get hit...I was scared. I hit kids at school when I got angry....I was hit when parents got angry at me. I was yelled at when I messed up. I yelled at kids at school.

The big problem is that this has crossed over into my marriage. I have screamed at, yelled at, and berated my dh a number of times...and I have even struck out at him because he makes me so angry. Please please note though that this has happened on rare occasions....it's not every time I get mad at him at all. That dosn't make it any more better of course. I really and truely feel that this is due to how I was treated when I messed up when I was younger. I see the coralation now. And it's pretty freakin' scary, considering our ds is 7 months old and does NOT need to see any of this happening...I NEED to get myeslf under control when I feel myself losing control.

On a side note, a dear friend's son is going into first grade and has hitting problems too (and was/is spanked). I have a feeling there's a coralation there too.


----------



## Diane B (Mar 15, 2004)

It is really moving to me to read all of your posts. It's encouraging to see that so many of us were spanked and/or mistreated as children, but are doing things differently with our kids!


----------



## Ozzy'sMama (Mar 10, 2006)

My mom did most of the spanking. I remember many of the spankings were out of complete frustration and anger. We used to torment her a little after the spankings......is that all you got mama? Didn't go over so well. I remember one day in particular when I was riding my mom real hard. 3 spankings in one day. They never, ever hurt, but it wasn't so cool watching mama loose it all the time.

Dad spanked me twice in my life. Once for giving him the finger infront of a couple of buddies and another for running out on the street.

Although I do think about spanking every now and again, my upbringing totally makes me not do it. Just doesn't make sence. I don't think I really felt ashamed of myself. I think I felt ashamed that my parents lost it. I don't want Oscar to ever look at me like that.

People who were spanked probably think about spanking more often. It doesn't have to be that way though. You can always control yourself. You don't ever have to spank.

Sara & Oscar (04/11/26)


----------



## an_aurora (Jun 2, 2006)

I was spanked and hit by my step-father, whom I consider my dad. He spanked my sister and I very often and ususally for no reason that we could tell. I did not, and still do not, feel he spanked us out of love. I will never, ever raise a hand to my children, because I never want them to feel the bewilderment of being hit by someone who is supposed to unconditionally love them.


----------



## HennaLady (Aug 28, 2006)

The worst part about having spanking parents for me, and the part that makes me NEVER ever consider hitting my children anywhere, was watching my little sister get spanked. Even if I was the one who told on her and "got her in trouble", it was the most terrible thing to witness her getting hit. She would cover her little rear with her hands, try to run away, and scream "no, daddy, no - please!". It makes me cry even to this day to remember it. I would volunteer myself in her place sometimes, but mostly I was just frozen in place, in horror. I have no idea what the behavior was that we were supposed to be learning not to do, so that tells you something about its effectiveness! My mother claims we were never spanked, only maybe once or twice for "going in the road" - this is downright not true. It was at least once a week.

Interesting question, I think it depends a lot on how the spankee grows to process what happened in their family and whether they supress or acknowledge the damage done to them.


----------



## PennyRoo (Dec 7, 2004)

*Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?*

It makes me even more against the act. I was frequently (at least once a week) spanked, for years, often on the bare bottom. I remember it as deeply shaming. It was a terrible, infuriating feeling of powerlessness. Although I know I was a tough kid - I was hyperactive with SID issues - and although I know my mother was doing the best she knew how with the tools and resources she had, I will never spank my DD.

*What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers?*

Although I can only respond anecdotally and for myself, I never want to inflict that sort of feeling on DD. I can't imagine spanking - to me it would represent a total departure from the way I set about to parent.

*To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children*.

Sing it, sister! I'm with you on this one. I think I'm a better mother because I spent so much of my childhood feeling angry and powerless at the totalatarian way my household was run, and it made me think a lot (even as a young child) about how I wanted to treat my own kids. Our home is a peace-filled space with no hitting, name calling or screaming allowed.


----------



## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HennaLady*
She would cover her little rear with her hands, try to run away, and scream "no, daddy, no - please!".

I vividly remember trying to put my hands back there to cover up to and my hands getting hit sometimes in the process. My parents would always add extra hits for the ones that my hands were there.


----------



## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brigianna*
Yes, I can understand why my parents did it, because I can understand what it is to reach that level of frustration and anger. But they didn't claim to spank out of love or anything like that, and they didn't do it that often. It wasn't an ideological thing, and I don't think it was tied to any larger pattern of disrespect (although spanking is of course a highly disrespectful act). ).

That's basically my experience too - my parents spanked because they were at the end of their rope and they didn't know any other discipline techniques. My sisters (all considerably older and closer together) got spanked a lot more than I did. I remember being spanked once by my dad. I remember my mom spanking my brother once. I suspect we were spanked a bit more than that, but not much. By the time we came along, my parents had less stress in their lives and more idea of how to parent.

I try very very hard not to spank because I recognize that spanking is something that I want to do when I am angry and overwhelmed. It has nothing to do with disciplining children. And everything I've read said it doesn't work, breeds resentment and teaches children it's OK to hit.

I willl confess that it is a reaction that is very very hard to control. I have lost it and spanked ds twice (both after times when he hurt his little sister - the momma bear insticts flared up)







: Both times were when I was more than at the end of my rope and should have given myself a time out. I'm working on that.

But my experience was very different from the abusive experiences that many people here described. I think people who spank after their parents may have a lot of reasons to do it: Pressure from family/community to show that they are disciplining their child, lack of knowledge of anything else to do, and possibly a conviction that "I was spanked and it didn't hurt me".


----------



## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HelloKitty*
I vividly remember trying to put my hands back there to cover up to and my hands getting hit sometimes in the process. My parents would always add extra hits for the ones that my hands were there.









I saw my nephew do this the other day. I don't think SIL was even planning to spank him (and she didn't), but I had this crazy visceral reaction and pretty much started crying when I saw him do that. I just got in the car and left.









I'm so thankful my children don't fear me. My greatest hope is to never give them reason to.


----------



## sahmama (Jan 3, 2005)

Quote:

Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?
I can sympathise with the overwhelming frustration and anger that even the best parents can feel, and having come to the point in my life where I too have those feelings, and knowing that they were only taught physical discipline, has enabled me to forgive them, and understand their basic reasoning. It was the only form of discipline they knew, no matter how small or big the 'offense' was, it required a spanking. They were never taught differently. However, I am no more pro-spanking than I was before I made peace with that.

Quote:

I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children.
I agree with that to some extent - when that's what you grew up with, and if you weren't taught any other methods of discipline, then of course you'll be more likely to spank. For me, it makes me more determined to NOT spank. We were beaten across bare butts with belts, wooden spoons, and whatever else happened to be on hand, slapped across the face/head, etc. and it did NOTHING to correct whatever behaviour was in question. It made me terribly afraid of my parents, and they had to deal with odd looks if we were around others, when we would flinch if they even tried to wipe our faces. There is no way I want my children to be afraid of me or to associate common household objects with punishment. If anything, being hit as a child has made me a bit of a pushover.

It has been hard for me at times to not spank, from pure instinct (instinct referring to how I was raised) - I have really had to work hard to find other ways of dealing with rage and frustration, and I did spank once or twice before I realized I was going to put my kids through misery if I kept it up. The challenge is keeping the GD techniques in mind, and trying to ignore the conditioning that makes me think "Oh, I really want to spank your butt right now!"

I know I can overcome this conditioning. In fact, my mother is now raising my brother's child, and I am happy to say that she realizes how badly hitting affected us, and only uses GD techniques this time around. I figure hey, if a reformed spanker can get over it, I can too.


----------



## LinzluvsGJ (Mar 16, 2004)

My grandparents spanked my parents... my parents spanked me. I don't spank my kids. I see the methods my parents used as a reflection of not having learned effectively how to handle situations... my mom has admitted that she got very angry and out of control when she spanked me (and tried to justify it in the same breath







P). I see myself as breaking a cycle of abuse... do I think that I necessarily would be anti spanking had I not been so strongly physically abused as a child? I don't know honestly. Before I had children of my own of the "spanking age", I assumed I would spank... I just figured it's what you did when your kid wouldn't listen. Once my oldest daughter got to the age where she began to challenge things and frustrate me, I realized how much I *didn't* want to employ spanking, though, because of the primary fact that I see the same potential for abuse in myself that my parents used towards me, which if I let myself get out of hand and use something like physical punishment, could turn into abuse of my own children which I don't EVER want my daughters to live with the way I do every day.


----------



## Kaitnbugsmom (Dec 4, 2003)

they were raising us the way they were raised. And since I'm the only one of the girls they raised who doesn't spank, and the youngest, they flipped out when I put my foot down and said my kids are not to be spanked or slapped, PERIOD...


----------



## thefragile7393 (Jun 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sahmama*
It made me terribly afraid of my parents, and they had to deal with odd looks if we were around others, when we would flinch if they even tried to wipe our faces.

This is me too....over the years I would flinch if a hand moved too fast near me....I've even done this to my husband if he moved a hand too fast (he's never ever hit me). Sometimes my mom would laugh and say "What?? I'm not going to hit you!" Argh.


----------



## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I only remember being spanked once and it is a most humiliating experience. I have no idea what it was for. I was a very easy child. I'm very embarassed about it and would not want to talk about it with my father. As far as hitting children go, it was probably a relatively tame event. I found it hideous at the time and still have the same thoughts. I remember thinking my father was foolish and losing a lot of respect for him.

I don't feel a lot of sway by the "everyone was doing it" arguments. Hell, "everyone" is using time-outs now. "Everyone" is eating the flesh of factory farmed animals. "Everyone" thinks children should only breastfeed for 6 months or whatever and that getting them to sleep through the night is so important. "Everyone" is o.k. with CIO. Maybe the tide is shifting on some of these, but all of these things are quite mainstream in our current society.

I question things in the world around me. I feel my parents should have done the same. Parent effectiveness training was around when I was young. La Leche League was around. Parenting groups were around. My parents maybe owned one parenting book -- probably Spock's. They didn't spend much time at all thinking about parenting or striving to be better parents. They used the same ineffective tactics throughout my life even though they were clearly not doing much of anything and even though it was abundantly clear by the time I was 10 or so that we had no real relationship at all. If they had the common sense to give some thought to how to raise their children, they could have done something to prevent my sister and I from being in a 15-year-long battle. We still have no relationship today. Hello!? Had they spent some time thinking about what to do, even discuss the situation with others, it might have dawned on them to find a project or something else that would have us working together so that we'd have to interact, and that we'd enjoy doing (we ignored each other for years and years and I see now how easy that would have been to solve). Instead they gave us the same old lines: "You know, you two should get along. Sisters are a great gift. Some day you'll need each other." They fussed over my sister's being a bit overweight and over me sucking my thumb for eons. Wonder why? Totally off-topic, but they told me every lie under the sun to get me to quit. I wasn't stupid and could sort out that no, my thumb was not going to fall off. They never once told me about what thumb-sucking could do to my mouth (which it did do, and was corrected by braces); I think that may have had a lot more sway with me, especially if they showed me proof, such as a medical journal discussing it.

Feeling betta after that minivent.


----------



## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dal*
I don't feel a lot of sway by the "everyone was doing it" arguments. Hell, "everyone" is using time-outs now. "Everyone" is eating the flesh of factory farmed animals. "Everyone" thinks children should only breastfeed for 6 months or whatever and that getting them to sleep through the night is so important. "Everyone" is o.k. with CIO. Maybe the tide is shifting on some of these, but all of these things are quite mainstream in our current society.

I don't know, I think that these things take time. The whole idea of having a relationship with your child is pretty new, I think. People have the luxury of spending more time on these issues, at least some of us. And I think social change takes time. Look how far we've come in such a short time. My dad went to a segregated elementary school. That was one generation away, and while racism is still rampant, I think we're really making great strides. I think it's just hard to see.

Here's an example: we have a picture of FIL and his father holding hands. FIL is about 3, I'm guessing, and grinning into the sun. He's also holding a stick, or technically a "switch", which his father spanked him with after the picture was taken. Now these people were pretty poor, raised in the Depression, but otherwise I would describe them as average Americans. And no one thought anything of the fact that they captured on film the weapon used to beat a small boy. I would argue that nowadays, there are few people out there who would agree with this, mainstream or otherwise.

And, FIL spanked, and occasionally used a belt, but was by most accounts much gentler than his father. And now, my dh doesn't spank. See, we're getting somewhere!


----------



## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

I remember feeling shame and humiliation. I remember NOT crying just to not give them the satisfaction, and it was out of anger because the more I didnt cry, the harder I was hit.

I have a friend who use to spank and it was because she didnt want her kids to be "bad". She saw other kids that in her opinion were being bad and she didnt want others to think her kids were bad, ie she was a bad mom and spanking worked on her, at least, she obeyed her parents. In her case, what I saw was someone more concerned with the opnions of others (even strangers) than her own childrens feelins, but then she wasnt in touch with HER feelings about her parents.


----------



## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

My mother spanked us because she was taught in her church that that is how you raise kids. They were very into Dr. Dobson and controlling children to make them godly and all the spare the rod spoil the child nonesense. It wasn't until she began to get some education and develop critical thinking skills that she started to get out of this way of thinking but she was still for spanking in some cases until I had dd and she saw that you really don't need to hurt a child to get their cooperation. She is now very against spanking for any reason and sees no need for harsh parenting at all. She is my greatest support now because she sees what she did as a parent and how it affected both me and my brother and she doesn't want to see that happen to her grandchild.


----------



## honeybee (Mar 12, 2004)

I don't remember being spanked myself (kicked in the butt a couple times--not abusively, didn't even hurt, but very shaming), but I witnessed my brothers were "spanked." It was pretty much always when my parents lost control. My mom did this every once in a while, but my father was like a ticking time bomb. He was probably borderline abusive... maybe over the borderline with my very difficult brother. However, the most horrible thing I remember was when he spanked my brother with a belt when he was *not* mad... bro was screwing up in school and dad was at his wit's end and didn't know what to do, so he said bro would get a spanking every day until x behavior stopped. Dad in a rage was one thing, but that was truly frightening. I remember this approach being quite ineffective.

Yet, he also loved us tremendously. We were his world. He was a very hands-on, involved dad. We would have been worse off in foster care, but better off if dad had gotten some therapy/parenting classes. I remember him raging about people who abuse their kids, but I don't think he ever considered himself in that category at all. After all, none of us ever ended up in the hospital or anything.







I love my dad so much that I really have to try to remember how horrible things sometimes were. I think I blocked some of it out. So, it's very confusing.

Spanking is not allowed in our house. That said, I have still hit ds1 twice. Once he bit the baby (on diaper, baby didn't even squawk), and I smacked the back of his head on a reflex. The second time, I smacked his leg after he kicked me (after pushing my buttons a number of times). I felt very bad later, and eventually apologized, but my initial reaction was "well then, you shouldn't have done it." and thinking "_I'll give you something to cry about!_" The only time I have the urge to hit is when I'm frustrated or angry. So I know I should never spank.

I don't think I've ever seen an "appropriate" spanking (calm, deliberate parent, with one or 2 swats with hand on clothed bottom, as described by most spanking advocates). I think that is the exception among spankers, not the norm.


----------



## CrunchyKat (Mar 20, 2006)

I was spanked. But I was also violently abused by my father. Will I spank? Absolutely not. Will it be hard not to spank? I don't think so, not at all. Do I have violent tendencies? Yes.

I have many times been on the brink of slapping dh in the face, and regrettably I have!







I've also snapped and hit the pets. It makes me ashamed, guilty, upset, and humiliated. I am doing all the research I can on gentle discipline, and not spanking or shouting. I have handfuls of anti spanking books that I'm reading from the library. I frequent anti spanking websites. I'm trying to change my whole being.

I do believe that I've been traumatized from the abuse, but also from the spanking. I do not think my parents did it out of love. I think they did it because they didn't know any other way to "teach" me. And they were always tired, stressed, and at their wits end with us (the kids). I can only hope and pray that I will break that cycle. I'm pretty confident that I will. I would be amazed and shocked if I was to ever strike my child.


----------



## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

I was spanked as a child, and the older I got, the more degrading it felt. It very rarely hurt physically, but it was that "I can do this to you and there's nothing you can do about it" feeling that was just sickening.


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *arlecchina*
how odd, once I saw the question, I dont remember ever being spanked, *exactly*. I remember being thrown down stairs, kicked, punched, smacked in the face, had boiling water thrown on me, etc and uhm no...I dont recall spankings. I got it with the belt a few times but ass-naked and until I bled which is kinda beyond spanking. and yup, I was told that when I had kids I'd understand. I sure dont.
















Oh gosh


----------



## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

The idea that parents spank because they love their children is absurd to me.

I was badly physically abused as a child, hit with belts, covered in welts, sometimes bleeding. Layers of new welts upon old welts. Rocks thrown at my head. Bad.

At the time I felt unloved, unloveable, a monstrous child to deserve that kind of treatment.







It had a profoundly negative effect on how I felt about myself, how I saw myself, and the harm of that has stayed with me into adulthood. It will affect me for the rest of my life.

As an adult I see that my parents had a hard time coping with children, as do I sometimes, so I have empathy for that. But they felt that they had the right to make their love and approval of me as a person, conditional upon behaviour. And that they had the right to shame and abuse me into behaving the way they wanted.

I behaved worse due to the abuse, because I was so angry and hurt and felt so unloved and despised. And so the abuse worsened, and the cycle continued.

I see, now, that that is the best they could do, because of their own childhoods, because of the information they had about child-raising, because of their conception of love and power and "good" and "bad" behaviour.

I know better, and so I do better. It is very meaningful to me to be raising my child to know that she is beautiful and worthy, regardless of her behaviour, and to know that my love for her is unconditional.


----------



## chiro_kristin (Dec 31, 2004)

Arlecchina, I'm so sorry.









I was spanked as a child, but only a few times. I knew at the time that my parents were not angry or frustrated anymore when they did spank me, and I was told why I was being spanked, and I knew at the time that they did not want to spank me. And I was held and loved afterwards. I didn't feel abused then or now. I was never scared of my parents, and I never felt that they didn't love me unless I behaved in a certain way. In fact, they would tell me often that they would always love me regardless of what I did throughout my life.

We won't spank, though. Even though my parents always held themselves until they were cool, I don't trust myself that way, so I won't do it at all, kwim?


----------



## kalisis (Jan 10, 2005)

I think for me, being spanked as a child only reinforced my resolve to NEVER spank my own kids. I think I was 8 or so, when my dad threatened to spank me and told me that I was disrespecting him. I distinctly remember writing in my journal that I didn't understand how he thought he should get respect when he didn't give any.

From early on, I've known that hitting wasn't the way to go and my childhood experiences were very mild compared to most. It did shape me tho into such a pleaser that it had lasting ramifications when I came of age. I wholeheartedly think that a lot of my actions in college were directly related to how I was punished (or avoided it by being 'good') when I was a child.

Do I understand where my parents were coming from? Not really. They're both intelligent, thinking people and I'm not sure why they chose that route. They're still advocating for spanking although I'm pretty sure they'd never hit my child. I think they know I'm stubborn enough that if they did that, they wouldn't see either me or my child(ren) for years. They have sat DH and I down tho and told us that we need to spank to get 'control' over DS or 'we'll regret it later.'

One of the things I am proudest to be able to say to my son when he is angry and kind of out of control and wanting to hit me is, "mommy doesn't hit you when she's angry. let's find another way for you to show your anger." I guess I'm just such a logical person and DS seems to be that way too, so for us, it's a leap that works.

Good thread.


----------



## alsoSarah (Apr 29, 2002)

I was spanked as a child.
(Spanking was far from the only bad thing going on, though. During my childhood, my father was a creature of unstable, rapidly-shifting moods and sudden, violent outbursts. He's better now, but he shouldn't have been a parent, not then. I was the result of an unplanned pregnancy, though, and he wouldn't likely have *chosen* to become a parent at that point, so....)

I do feel that being spanked, specifically, has contributed to my anger issues and my low self-esteem.

It has also made it harder for me, personally, to be a non-spanking parent.

There are days when I have to devote ALL of my internal resources to my commitment to avoid physical punishments, and even then, it feels like hanging on by my fingernails at the edge of a tall, tall, cliff....

But I *do* avoid them.

I have broken the cycle of abuse.

I have faith that, when the time comes, my dc will not have to fight so hard to parent well. It is a gift that will pass forward, into the future of our family....

There are days when I speak too harshly to ds, and I feel like a terrible mama, but I resolve to speak more mindfully, and try to remember how far I have brought us from where my parents and I were, and get us further from that place, every day.

alsoSarah


----------



## KA29 (Jan 8, 2006)

I think my parents spanked because they weren't real prepared to be parents when they had me and then they didn't know what else to do. They got less and less physical as the years went by.

I'm lucky now in that my parents are very supportive of my dh and I not spanking. My mom especially admits spanking was not especially effective and they "probably"







: shouldn't have done it. She's come a long way in admitting that at least.

I decided at six I would never spank my kids. I remember it pretty vividly because I got spanked for hitting my brother and I asked my mom why she could hit but I couldn't. Which of course got me another spanking for "disrespect".







:


----------



## Zilla (Aug 8, 2006)

My parents spanked me and my siblings and I am sure it was becasue they were spanked when they were children. I had always planned on spanking my children until I got a stepkid after marrying my husband. I refused to spank her even though DH did, simply becasue she wasn't my kid and that just seemed wrong to me. Because of this I have learned how easy it is to GD and I now there is NO WAY I would spank my kids.


----------



## cfiddlinmama (May 9, 2006)

My parents spank(ed) us (there are still some little ones at home). Both my parents have anger issues. I could have written most of these posts. My parents would lose it regularly. I was terrified of my mother and very uncomfortable with my dad. There was a lot of positives in our life though. I don't remember any of the reasons I was spanked - just the spankings. I was very sensitive and got really angry about the injustices. I remember standing on the counter in the bathroom and looking in shock and anger at the big blue bruises on my bottom in the mirror. The sad thing is I worked so hard to block that all out. My parents majorly indoctrinated us that you *have* to spank to be good parents. They were always pointing out misbehaving children and deriding the parents for not spanking. The people who advocated against spanking were the "enemy" who were trying to destroy the family. I bought it. I don't know how except that the influence was so strong and my dh was taught the same thing. My gut said no to spanking my kids but I did it anyway.







I didn't know there were alternatives. The breaking point came when I had 3 kids and the baby was super high needs. I was stretched to the max and started having major anger issues and losing it with my kids. Yelling, screaming, hitting in anger. (never leaving marks, I couldn't hit that hard) I realized I needed help and fast. I found Dr. Sears. I don't spank anymore. It's been about a year since I resolved to not spank anymore. I've messed up, but not for months now. I am such a better mother. I can't believe I bought the propaganda from my parents even though spanking effected me so negatively. I'll live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I learned to give myself time outs to get a grip and come back and hug my kids. They love to please me, they don't need to fear me. Thank's mom.







She used to say "you will fear me." Yes, I did. Congratulations, success. Bleck. Never again will I hit my children. Ever. My dh is doing better, I just have to convince him never to hit. He's down to once a month or so and quickly learning it's just not effective. We're both in this journey together. He got the belt all the time in anger. He said he always understood why his dad did it and it didn't effect him negatively. It did. He's just afraid I'll become lazy and overly permissive and our kids will be out of control. They won't though! I've got Dr Sears Discipline Book in our bathroom for him to read. He's stubborn but I'll get him.
Sorry for the lengthy post. It's good to get all out.


----------



## PennyRoo (Dec 7, 2004)

to thismama and others who have posted your terrible childhood stories. It breaks my heart to think of what you endured. You are wonderful to be consciously charting a new path for yourselves and your children!


----------



## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

We don't have children yet, but just wanted to post.

I was spanked once by each parent, neither of the instances was out of control or abusive, in my opinion. Once was during my apparently one and only tantrum, I threw a fit in a department store and threatened to break things&#8230; I don't think I remember it. The other was when I was perilously climbing drawers to reach the butcher knives over and over again, I do remember that one, open hand, over the clothes, not hard, etc.

Spanking was there as an ultimate punishment during my young childhood. I knew that if I did something horrible, say, tortured an animal or set something on fire or told my mother to F-off I would have been spanked&#8230; but I am not like that now, and I was not like that then&#8230; so it was pretty much a non-issue, other than to know that my parents would be the "heavy" if it ever came to that when I was little&#8230; but it didn't. I guess if I were a "spirited" child I might have been spanked more often? Not sure.

My parents almost always talked to me about everything and explained everything to me as if I were a sentient, sensitive creature&#8230;. And I am so thankful for that. The main complaint I have is that my Dad would lose his temper and YELL to shake the windows, stomping around, etc, it was really frightening. I figure if I have one complaint, I had it pretty good. 

My grandfather spanked me three times in one day when my parents left us at their house! It was very upsetting because I was not used to being treated like that. But, it was a one day thing, so I don't think I was really affected by that.

But, reading the stories here is just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry to hear about these childhoods that some of you have had. The belts really get to me. DH had a belt used on him and it enrages me to think about it&#8230; there's no way that he should have been spanked, let alone hit with something like that. He's one of the most intelligent and sensitive people I know, and I think it would have been so hard on him.

I don't plan on using spanking as a punishment.

I can't predict what will happen in the future, but there's no way that belts and other weapons would ever be used on my children.

So, I think it's DH's experience with physical punishment that will inform our methods more than my childhood did.


----------



## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

I was spanked just as a means for my parents to express their anger. A lot of times, I can remember not knowing what I was being spanked for. I began resenting and distrusting my parents from a young age.

I have slapped my son's hand a few times, but always felt bad immediately afterwards. I'm trying hard not to lose it and do it again.


----------

