# Just needed to share



## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

Hello all,
My husband and I lost our baby on March 29, 2002 at 10 1/2 weeks (m/c).
It's hard to believe that it's only been 4 months, it seems like a lifetime ago.
I don't think I'm dwelling on it, but some days I'm still soooo sad. I really miss him, even though I didn't know him very long.
As I'm sure many of you know, who've been through this, there is not much support out there for us.
I just want to be sad, without someone telling me that "it happens to a lot of women", or quickly changing the subject, or telling me that we'll "have other children".
OK, I feel a little better.
Thanks for letting me vent.


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Jen - a warm and gentle welcome to Mothering.

I'm so sorry for your loss - though miscarriage happens to a lot of women - it happened to you and your loss and sadness is real.

Feelings are so important and you need to go through them. No, I don't think it's dwelling, I think it's healing.

Please feel free to turn to the women here for strength and support. This is a gentle, loving and understanding forum.

I'm sorry your loss brought you here - but glad you're able to share here.


----------



## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

The world would be a much better place if there were mandatory kindness or sensitivity classes everyone had to take.

Only people who haven't gone through something like this ever say such things.

I am so sorry for your loss. I remember my grandmother talking about her two miscarriages and it strikes me as odd that anyone would think you got over them.

Nothing compares to such a loss. I am so sorry.


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

.


----------



## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

Thank you for your support, it's so nice to have a "safe" place to talk.

I find that I need to talk about it every so often, and really no one cares to listen. I guess there is a time limit on how much support you get from people! Whatever...
Anyway, I can relate to your post (What is up with people?), Xiola's Mama...I'm vegan, and some people were questioning whether that had anything to do with my m/c. Very sensitive, yes? Like it was my fault. I guess people look for a reason, so that maybe they can assure themselves that it won't happen to them. My MIL, who cried like crazy when we told her we were pregnant, was very blase about the m/c. Then started asking us a month after it happened, when we were going to get pregnant again, so she could have more grandchildren. Hmmm... I know people don't think of a 10 week old "fetus" as a baby, but in our minds, he was our baby totally. We'd fantasized about every aspect of his little life with us, etc. Anyway, I'm rambling...
I've been reading the posts here, and my heart goes out to every one of you.








I'm so sorry for your losses.


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

.


----------



## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

Thanks, Xiola's Momma, for your support









When I read your post, I started thinking about people I'd known who had this happen to them, and how I had NO idea about how to respond. At the time, I just didn't know what they were going through. They were acquaintances, not really good friends (I guess I hope I would have done better for my friends. Horrible, huh?) I mean, I knew it must have been painful, and I guess I didn't know how to acknowledge that. So, I think that knowledge makes me a little more forgiving of the people who didn't respond to our m/c the way that I had really wished they had. (did that last sentence make any sense?







) But, I still get angry at times; not in a psychotic way, just a really hurt way. Besides, can't people read my mind?!?! What is wrong with them?









I'm soooo sorry that no one acknowledged your motherhood on Mother's Day. That must have been so painful. I remember reading a book about m/c a week or so after mine happened; the book shared other women's thoughts who this had happened to, and there was a quote by one of them that basically said (this is not an exact quote) "You are a mother, even if your baby's not here with you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." And I just sat on my couch and cried for maybe 3 hours. I think my dh thought I was losing it, but it meant so much to me to read that. See, I'm tearing up now, how sad. I really think that there should be some kind of ritual, or acknowledgement (that's my word for the day) of that.

Xiola'sMomma, I just wanted you to know how much I've learned, cried, etc. reading your posts. You write beautifully of your experience and your lovely daughter. Happy belated Mother's day.


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

.


----------



## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

I just want to fly to Seattle right now and give you a big hug.

I'm so sorry about your family, and their insensitivity. How incredibly rude.
Please don't stop posting! We need you here!

Sometimes I think if people in the world had ANY idea what was going on in other people's lives, or even considered the possibilities of what was going on, that the whole world would be a much nicer place. Instead, people are rude and self-involved. I really don't mean to be negative, but it gets to me sometimes!
And, I go to the baby section, too. There's a baby "supermart" near my house, and one day I stopped in and spent a couple of hours there. And then I was embarrassed to tell anyone, because I thought they would think I was pathetic, and that's the last thing I need.
I used to think that worrying about things happening would actually prevent them from happening. It used to work. So, when I got pregnant, I worried the entire time, like you did, that something would happen: that I would miscarry, etc. And every time I talked about the baby, I felt like I had to put a qualifier on there, like, "if nothing happens", etc. I have to say that now I'm really angry at myself for wasting that time. I almost think next time, if I get pregnant (hopefully), I won't worry about it at all, because it didn't help the first time. And then I think that all my worrying about it caused it to happen, not in a stressful way, but in a "if you think too much about it, it'll come true" way.
Oh geez, I don't know...it's all very complicated.
Take care of yourself


----------



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

.


----------

