# 9 year old and unreasonable fears



## mumm (May 23, 2004)

nak

My son is a sensitive kid. Not aggressive in a competitive sort of way. All reports from school are of a kind, considerate, rule following, slightly academically behind kid. He is a kid who wants to do the right thing. Yes, he bickers with sibs and is starting to show a little attitude, but all in all seems like a typical kid.

EXCEPT, he is so fearful of monsters that he can't be in a room alone even during daylight. He can't sleep unless I am in the room touching him. As a result he is exhausted. (I get to bed as early as I can (once his sibs are asleep) but I am up with my two year olds during the night and one likes to get up for the day at 4:30)







I'm a wreck because I literally get two one hour sessions a week alone. And I just clean the house! DP travels 5 days a week and sleeps at home just 2-3 nights a week so can't be consistent help. His sis gets no one on one time with me as he is hovering (crying and hysterical that he will die) when I try to chat with her a bit at bedtime.

It is becoming a real problem for the whole family because it is a bit like having an infant. I need to go with him to get shoes on, or run upstairs for book. He wants to be with me when I help his six year old sis shampoo, etc and she is ready for privacy. I feel like every day is getting worse.

We started therapy more than 6 months ago and it feels useless. I've made an appt with someone new.

Does anyone else have this experience? I worry that between our states of exhaustion I am starting to belittle him. (You are 9 years old, I don't need tp protect you while you pee!) I'm ashamed of this but i am also stretched so thin.

Thanks

mods- I thought this shoulsd go in the younger age group but that seemed more like potty training, preschool stuff. Please do what you think is better.


----------



## skreader (Nov 19, 2008)

My son was like this to a lesser extent. We also live in a flat, so he feels less "alone" when he is alone. However, we have found some methods that help.

1) Substitutes - not quite like a security blanket, but when he used to go into new situations (like a new school or class) we would offer him one of my husband's hankies to carry. Somehow, having that "piece" of his dad helped him.

2) Gradual "weaning". If he needs to be near you, maybe on the other side of the door? For example if you need to bathe your 6 year-old, keep the door a teeny bit ajar (not enough for seeing) and have him stay on the other side w/ a book or toy. That way he is in ear-shot, so he can hear you guys or if he's worried can speak to you.

Then once he gets used to that, close the door but he's still on the other side.

Same thing for when he uses the toilet or takes a bath.

3) re: sleeping - can he sleep w/ your DP on the nights he is there? Or, the 6-year-old? A cat?

4) Monster dispersing or slaying items?
- would it help if he got something that could make the monsters go away - a special shield, belt, shirt, amulet, around his neck, or toy sword?

Good luck, I hope something helps and that the new therapist can help too.


----------



## jdcmom (Feb 27, 2009)

My son is 13 and has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and separation anxiety. He has started seeing a therapist and we are seeing improvements. He wasn't able to do school work or homework. He couldn't be home alone as he would have crying spells. My only advise is NOT to belittle him about this. Don't say things like 'you're 9 years old...why are you afraid' That only makes him feel worse about himself. He isn't doing this on purpose and really needs your support. DO find a therapist that is right and works for you and your son. We had to switch our therapist because she wasn't helping the way we would of liked.
I know it's hard but just give him gentle yet strong support. I understand the lack of sleep also as my son has night time panics. I have to try and calm him down. I also understand about not spending as much time with your other children. I feel badly that my daughter (9 yrs) doesn't get the attention that I would like to give her. Fortunately, in my case my DH is home and able to spend time with her.
Hope you find a therapist that works for you and this will improve and soon past.


----------



## mumm (May 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *skreader* 
My son was like this to a lesser extent. We also live in a flat, so he feels less "alone" when he is alone. However, we have found some methods that help.

1) Substitutes - not quite like a security blanket, but when he used to go into new situations (like a new school or class) we would offer him one of my husband's hankies to carry. Somehow, having that "piece" of his dad helped him.

2) Gradual "weaning". If he needs to be near you, maybe on the other side of the door? For example if you need to bathe your 6 year-old, keep the door a teeny bit ajar (not enough for seeing) and have him stay on the other side w/ a book or toy. That way he is in ear-shot, so he can hear you guys or if he's worried can speak to you.

Then once he gets used to that, close the door but he's still on the other side.

Same thing for when he uses the toilet or takes a bath.

3) re: sleeping - can he sleep w/ your DP on the nights he is there? Or, the 6-year-old? A cat?

4) Monster dispersing or slaying items?
- would it help if he got something that could make the monsters go away - a special shield, belt, shirt, amulet, around his neck, or toy sword?

Good luck, I hope something helps and that the new therapist can help too.

We have tried all those things, except an attachment object.

We did make progress for a while with him starting the night in his own bed (which was one of his goals). I stood at his loft bed while he feel asleep, then sat on the floor, then in the doorway, then in the hall. But I was spending upwards of 90 minutes doing this. At 8:30 pm. When I still need to unpack lunch boxes, clear dinner off the table, wash dishes, etc. But then it started to fall apart and I felt like it was more stress trying to start the night in his room, so now he just starts the night more pleasantly in my room. We have a queen mattress on the floor right next to our bed for him or his sister to use when needed.

When he was little (3 or 4) we had monster spray. This lavender scented water would be sprayed around the house. We recently built a house and had him put lavender oil in all the walls before they were sealed up. We thought perhaps watching the house be built and knowing what was there might help. It did for about 4 months, but the monsters didn't need much time before they found us again.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jdcmom* 
My son is 13 and has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and separation anxiety. He has started seeing a therapist and we are seeing improvements. He wasn't able to do school work or homework. He couldn't be home alone as he would have crying spells. My only advise is NOT to belittle him about this. Don't say things like 'you're 9 years old...why are you afraid' That only makes him feel worse about himself. He isn't doing this on purpose and really needs your support. DO find a therapist that is right and works for you and your son. We had to switch our therapist because she wasn't helping the way we would of liked.
I know it's hard but just give him gentle yet strong support. I understand the lack of sleep also as my son has night time panics. I have to try and calm him down. I also understand about not spending as much time with your other children. I feel badly that my daughter (9 yrs) doesn't get the attention that I would like to give her. Fortunately, in my case my DH is home and able to spend time with her.
Hope you find a therapist that works for you and this will improve and soon past.

I KNOW that my behavior is wrong, but I don't always DO the right thing. I'm trying as hard as I can, which sometimes isn't good enough. I know....

I sometimes wonder if it is all a game. For example, if I ask him to run to the basement at night to grab a container of ice cream from our chest freezer, he can do it. But if I ask him to run down and grab a can of soup, he can't. And he can't function is a room alone unless he has a screen with him. (ie. a computer, or TV or little handheld game thing) and then he says he is distracted and is okay. So I think he is playing me for a fool.

But his fears do feel very real sometimes, so I want to acknowledge that.

I'm also very fearful of giving him any type of label. I have a sister with a variety of mental illnesses (she is not a productive member of society, lives in and out of group homes and psych hospitals, etc) and sometimes think she is worse off than she needs to be because of the labels she got as a kid and the external expectations that she can't do things because she is "mentally ill."

His sleep has been better since he is in our room. He just checks in with me during the night. (him-mommy?, me-um mm, him-ok, I love you, me- I love you too.) He had his first night terror sort of thing last week. Violent toward his sister (who thankfully slept through the whole thing) and throwing things at my partner until I picked him up and put him down to sleep again. He never woke up and has no memory of it. We don't plan to tell him about it.

We have set up appts. with another therapist who specializes in children's anxiety. Hopefully this will be the start of something good. It is so hard to watch him be terrified of something that doesn't exist. Like he says, I'm only 9 and already my life is ruined.

jdcmom- what do you think is going on to help your son improve? Is he okay when you are home or only when you are away. My son can stay home alone (for 15 minutes when I pick up another kid, or am out in the nieghborhood with his sibs) as long as he is occupied by the computer or a video game.


----------



## jdcmom (Feb 27, 2009)

I didn't mean to make it sound as if you were belittling him. I to sometimes slip when I'm tired and come off as belittling my son. It makes me feel bad too and I try not to do it. My son is 13 so he's old enough to say 'Mom, I can't help this'. My son has obsessive compulsive disorder which is an anxiety disorder. He is taking medication for it. I don't know if what your son has is the same thing or not and I WOULDN"T recommend taking medications at that age. There are techniques that are used by therapist to treat Obsessive compulsive disorder and other anxiety disorders. Anxiety disorders run in families so if you sister has mental health issues it's possible that your son does to.

I understand you don't want to give your son a label but if he is truly suffering with an anxiety disorder he needs to be properly diagnosed to get the right treatment. A lot of people have anxiety disorders they just don't go around announcing it. Whenever I tell someone about my son's condition they are either taking meds for their anxiety or know a family member who is.

Anxiety is a built in thing that humans have. It's the flight or fight response. This response was needed when we had to fight for our food against animals or protect ourselves from animals. You either fled or fought because your body was telling you there was danger. Nowadays we don't really use that flight or fight response very much. With anxiety disorders people create false danger in their mind (in your son's case it's a fear of monsters) and the flight or fight response kicks in. The person can't help it and when he thinks of monsters his mind has now conditioned itself to respond with the flight or fight response (anxiety). His mind has to be 'retrained' if you will to show it that monsters are a 'false' fear and are not dangerous. There are techniques like I mentioned before that help. There are books about this and your therapist should be familiar with how to help him reach this goal of removing the 'false' fear. Some people start out on meds to keep the anxiety at a level so they can work towards this goal of being anxiety free and learn how to control it themselves and then they can wean themselves off the meds.

I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive disorder myself and had separation anxiety as a child. When I was 9 I couldn't sleep by myself and would crawl into the bed with my brother. He was a year older than me and he didn't like it too much. I outgrew that but I don't know how I did. I remember being 17 and spending the night at my Aunt's house babysitting my cousins (3 and 4 at that time) and I cried myself to sleep because I was homesick. I felt quite stupid about it but now I realize that I just have high anxiety compared to other people. I have developed my own techniques with dealing with it. I have been teaching my son these techniques also.

I wish the best of luck to you and your son. I understand completely how your son is feeling and I wish I could do more to help


----------



## momofgandj (Jan 23, 2010)

Go to the website www.fairytalewishesinc.comThey make all natural aromatherapy sprays for especially for kids to help them with anxiety and fear.

It is amazing! They really work. They each come with a mini-fairytale that tells the child why the particular scent works. They were developed by a mom.
They have a monster repellent that smells like bubblegum and a sweet dream spray that smells like lavendar and a super hero spray that smells like peppermint.

Check it out. Good luck


----------



## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

Hi Mumm - you have my sympathy. lack of sleep makes it so hard to function! Everything is 100 times more difficult.

My son is 15, and has suffered from depression and anxiety for about a year. He just recently "graduated" from his therapist, in that he felt he didn't need her any more, but he knows she's just a phone call away. He learned a lot of coping skills from her.

One thing that helps my son is acknowledging that the emotional part of his brain can be upset about something, even though the logical part of his brain realizes that it isn't something he should be upset about. Often just talking about the logical side of an issue helps him rein in the emotional component.
Another thing that my son has found useful is self-affirmation. He'll repeat after me phrases like "I am strong enough to get through school today", or "I know I can do this". Saying it out loud a couple of times made it easier for him to believe it was true. In your son's case, maybe a mantra of "I know I'm safe in my bedroom" might be helpful. "I'm not afraid of monsters" might work too, though I think it's better to not remind him.

In your son's case, I might try having him describe the monsters in detail. Maybe you can get him to imagine the monsters as getting smaller and smaller each day, or turn sharp claws and teeth into rubber.

My sons have loft beds, and they are harder to get out of than a regular bed. Does your son like the loft because he feels safer from monsters up there? Or might he be more comfortable on the floor, where he can get up and go to you more quickly if he needs to?

Another thing you might want to focus on is the fact that this is NOT a lifelong condition. It is very real right now, but reassure your son that he will NOT be afraid of monsters when he's 30 years old. He WILL get past it. Another common phrase at our house is "We'll get through this, and we'll get through it together".

You mentioned "I wonder if this is a game" - he can get ice cream by himself, but not soup. So call him on it! Without being angry or judgemental, tell him that you've noticed this difference, and ask him if he can identify why he can keep his fears at bay to get ice cream. Focus in the things he CAN do, and use those as little stepping stones to do more.

I can appreciate how difficult this is for you! I sincerly hope that you (with the help of a different therapist) can help your so ge past this.


----------



## melamama (Oct 8, 2002)

One thing I wanted to add is the 9 year change. I've never seen much about it in mainstream child development lit., but we're in a Waldorf school and learning about and preparing for the 9 year change is pretty standard here.

At 9 they are crossing the threshold from childhood, and they have a new awareness about the world--many times these internal changes bring about new fears or reawakening of old ones.

At one of our parent evenings last year many of the parents told stories of their dc (boys too) finding their way back into their beds, or even sleeping outside their door every night because of fears. Most of us are on the other side of it (my dd turns 10 next week).

I would suggest finding some hero stories. Stories where the hero or prince is victorious through skill or bravery or even just luck. We have a few books by Isable Wyatt--King Beetle Tamer and The Book of Fairy Princes; they are collections of short stories where the protagonist faces some sort of adversity and overcomes it (but I am sure you could ask your librarian and find tons at the library too).

I am also wondering if he might be helped by some sort of amulet. You would know what would suit him, but you could empower it through your words, maybe even a special connection to a story (or if you are spiritual or religious a certain figure). He could wear it all the time, maybe a necklace?

Also have you ever heard of Bach Flower Essences? My oldest dd had night terrors and over the course of several months we were able to eliminate them. The great thing about the flower essences is that you don't need a giant dose, when you have your combination (for us it was 3 different ones) I would put it in a mixing bottle, then just add 2 drops to her water bottle. That was enough.

These are just some simple concrete things that might help.
*also I wanted to repeat that for all the kids in my dd's class they are on the other side of the fears and anxiety, so in general these things do pass.


----------



## TexasG (Feb 12, 2009)

My son just turned 10 and has recently started having new fears. Very interested in learning from this thread. I need all the help I can get.


----------

