# High Needs Toddler support thread



## Awaken (Oct 10, 2004)

Please say I'm not the only one....I searched the forum and only found a thread from 2006.

I'm feeling so beaten down right now dealing with an extremely high needs toddler, trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that it will get better one day.

My dd is 20 months old, and the hard part is that she is the 3rd child, so I'm managing her extreme neediness, crying, nursing constantly while trying to get my older kids ready for school, make meals for the family, and attempt to spend quality time with the other kids. Not to mention trying to do all this while exhausted physically and emotionally from her poor sleep (she also needs me to lay down with her and nurses throughout her 2 hr nap) and trying to enjoy where we are in life and my kids and be emotionally available for my husband and maintain some sort of emotional stability for myself (which is not happening and I feel like a wreck most of the time.)

She is also amazingly smart, the quickest of all my children, very verbal and physically gifted and surprises us every day with what she says and does and understands.

We have started daycare a couple days a week just to give me some breathing room and the chance to spend time with my other kids, cook dinner, make phone calls, etc all of which is impossible with her around.

I've found that with the struggles I've had with my older kids, what helps most is to know that I'm not alone, since it feels so isolating sometimes to feel like I'm the only one with a child like this. I don't know that there are any solutions per se, except for doing what I need to do to strengthen myself emotionally, spiritually, and physically, to get through this time. Although suggestions are still welcome, esp. if you have strategies for how to deal with a toddler like this if you have multiple kids.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

I don't really have any advice, but I can definitely empathize.

I only have one older child, and he's been pretty good about not getting frustrated with his sister's neediness, but it has been challenging for the whole family. On the bright side, now that she's 28 months, she's a lot more fun and engaging, though still gets very clingy.

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I do have empathy!


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## midnightmommy (Apr 14, 2008)

I have a HM toddler too. She is almost 27 months. I really wish we could afford daycare just one or two days a week. I find myself day dreaming about the two hour two day a week pre-school I can sign her up for next fall. If I can get her two go that is since she is painfully shy, and barely spends time with my husband.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

Where do I sign up?! LOL

I've only got one so far but OMG is she high needs! She was ridiculously HN baby....to the point where people stopped visiting b/c of all the crying! We have always been AP BTW

So now she's 22 m/o nursing EVERY 30 MINS and having tantrums like hourly. IT IS SO HARD!


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## Awaken (Oct 10, 2004)

sosurreal- I can really feel for you b/c my oldest son was like this, too (lucky me!!) and it is hard when it's your first and you wonder if it's something about your parenting causing it. Hard to see other parents and babies having a blast at playgroups, mom and baby yoga, etc when my son would just cry. And going on trips or having people over was just too hard b/c it set him off even worse. He did eventually get better around 5 yrs old or so and now he is great, still high needs but it's not so physically taxing when they're older and can do more for themselves.

It is a big adjustment for me to nurse THIS much. My oldest was super fussy but refused to nurse- he ended up being a paci addict, and my next one looooooved nursing but it was just an occasional fun thing for him, not an all-day every day desperate need like it is for DD. It is quite physically demanding. The good thing about it is that I still have a great metabolism and can eat like a horse, heading into my 40's! LOL

midnightmommy- I really hope preschool happens and that it goes well and gives you a little break!


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## Just Ducky (Aug 16, 2011)

Have you considered putting her in a backpack and wearing her? It's not a fix but it might give you a bit of breathing room when you need to get things done.

I have a Deuter Kid Comfort for my son and it's great. Deuter's a very good backpacking company (they make the packs that people use when they're hiking through the mountains and the like) so the weight distribution on it is really spot on. I have back trouble thanks to a car wreck and my son's about 1/5 of my weight right now but I can pack him for hours at a time with no trouble whatsoever (well, except for occasional hair pulling). He gets to look over my shoulder and stay close to me and he seems to really enjoy it. Plus, as an added bonus, it lets me actually get stuff done!









Kelty and Vaude (both also backpacking companies) make a few packs as well. Chicco also has one but since they do kid stuff rather than hiking stuff it's designed poorly and doesn't distribute the weight properly. I guess it's fine with a small child and a parent who doesn't have back, neck, or shoulder issues but I personally wouldn't use it.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

You are not alone, I have a very high needs 2.5yo and while some things have gotten better, others have gotten worse, and even Early Intervention really isn't helping him much. He is my first, and I knew he was 'tough' but I didn't realize HOW tough until I saw friends have more kids and realize he is truly, um, unique. lol

I have my DH home all day since he was laid off last year and even with TWO of us here we can barely handle the kid. I can't imagine dealing with him alone again, never mind with 2 older kids.

Oh, he was a very intense nurser like yours, and just recently I've severely limited his nursing (a couple hours in the morning and once before bed is all he's 'allowed' now) -- much better not nursing him constantly but he wasn't really physically (let alone emotionally!) ready for this until well after he turned 2.


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## Terrilein (Jan 9, 2007)

I don't know if my ds still counts as high needs, but he has been absolutely out of control since right before our one week getaway and now that we're back. He simply will not sleep. And screeches so horribly that I've got a constant headache. No wait, I got that from the lack of sleep. I wish I lived in a house with a garden so I could just send him out to scream off his frustrations, but he don't. We live in a fourth floor appartment with no elevator so no spontaneous trips to the playground. And routines? We're just not managing anything except meals. Or rather my meals. He's back to nursing most of the time and just throws most of his food either at me or on the floor. I now need a vacation from my vacation. But nope, I'm solo-parenting again this weekend. I'm toast.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

If this helps anyone we have a very long and specific wind down before bed that has helped us tremendously! (It is very time consuming though)

We have dinner at 5pm on the dot (or she's hysterical) then we do tubby time right after. We shut all the lights out and light an aromatherapy candle ("Sleep" from the natural section @ Bath & Body works)

Then we "play" by candle light a while, get a big stack of books and read them all by candle light, then we do some shadow puppets, followed by unlimited nursing. She is now asleep by 9pm every night (which used to be an hours long battle daily and usually a bedtime of 11pm) and up at 7am. She is only taking a cat nap at 12/12:30 now as well but it has been working for her.


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## yippiehippie (Jan 9, 2010)

My DS (16mo) fits all but 1 or 2 of Sear's definition of "high needs", so, yeah, I hear ya. I'm pregnant (what was i thinking?!), trying to buy a house, and completely drained. It is so hard!! He's actually a lot less clingy and needy when we're out, so most people really don't "buy" it, which is frustrating. When we're out, though, he wants to run away, get into and climb on everything (so curious and active!). He nurses all the time, including all night, woke at 4:30 the last 2 mornings and is up, won't go back down. (his normal wake up time is 5, so not much different). His latest obsession is food, he wants to eat constantly!

It's nice to know we're not alone and have some support! I am so tired and keep praying that this baby won't be the same (how sad is that?! I feel guilty writing it)


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## ms sig (Dec 30, 2007)

I also have a "high-need" toddler. If you haven't heard of it, there's a book called "Raising Your Spirited Child" that supposedly is helpful. I haven't gotten that far into it though -- with a spirited toddler and a baby, who has time to read?


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

I have RYSC, good advice, but I feel AP parents all.. already do it all...mostly

Just found out today I am pregnant! IDK how since DD has been nursing every 30 mins lately...but hey!


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> I have RYSC, good advice, but I feel AP parents all.. already do it all...mostly
> 
> Just found out today I am pregnant! IDK how since DD has been nursing every 30 mins lately...but hey!


Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> I have RYSC, good advice, but I feel AP parents all.. already do it all...mostly
> 
> Just found out today I am pregnant! IDK how since DD has been nursing every 30 mins lately...but hey!


Congratulations!


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

Thanks mamas!

I am excited but scared. A part of me feels DD is so young and I feel guilty, but I also know she will gain a sibling! It's hard b/c she is so HN with the nursing, I feel like once my milk starts depleting we are going to have a *really* hard time. Here's hoping she adjusts well and we have an amazing tandem nursing relationship!


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


One day at a time! I don't have any BTDT advice, but I think you and DD will figure it out together.


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## Ara-Q (Dec 16, 2011)

Wow. Mine is almost 3 and I have been thinking all this time that it was going to get better...I can really relate to the part about him being better when we're out so even my husband's family doesn't get it. When I was asking for help, my husband was told that we needed to just "grow up and deal with it." In addition to his high-needs behaviours, I had an undiagnosed thyroid problem for the first 8 months. I slept all the time, and he woke me up every hour during the night to breastfeed, from about 4 months to 16 months. He only needs about as much sleep as I do, sometimes way less. I'm always exhausted.


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## Ara-Q (Dec 16, 2011)

I find it helpful to split up my quiet time into sections rather than trying to get a whole hour at once. So I read the Bible at breakfast, worship throughout the day - I can include HNT sometimes. After he's asleep or when Hubby has him, then I get my "prayer closet" alone time. Journalling and writing out my goals and yearnings helps too.


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## Serenyd (Jan 6, 2008)

My DD (3rd child) is high-needs also. My DP could not understand how I could not get anything done while he was at work, from her needing to be held and nursed so much. Sometimes she will watch Dora for a little bit or play with her brother, but most of the time she still wants to be held and nursed. Also she throws tantrums and refuses to use the potty and then pees in her pants. She is better about pooping in the potty, but yesterday she pooped in her pants, again. She is the most difficult of all my children.


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## Tattooed Hand (Mar 31, 2009)

Hello moms, my DD is also high needs and has been from birth. She has also had leaky gut from birth so both she and I have been on a restricted diet the whole time, and I have to cook everything we eat. I thought things would get better once she got older, but they have actually gotten harder. She still wakes up 3-6 times a night (in 9 or 10 hours). Has never slept more than 11-12 hours a night, not since she was 5 months old. The main problem now is that she refuses to be in a carrier. At least when she was smaller, I could put her in a carrier and walk her around and she'd be happy. Now she wants to be held, but not in a carrier. I can hardly get the cooking done. And, now I'm the bread winner. And no, she still doesn't want DH at night. So I'm really tired. I've been really depressed since her 2nd birthday because everyone told me that if we did the restricted diet, twice daily probiotic, and a whole bunch of other measures, she's be better, but she's not. I'm just really tired and sometimes can't help but regret my decision to have a child.

I love her but am at a loss of how not to feel like DH and I are slaves to an implacable child and that things are ever going to get better. So far we have lost our entire savings, our health, most of our friends, and my DH's job.


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

Tattooed Hand - I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Going to PM you in a sec if I can manage to sneak away from DS. I had rheumatoid arthritis-type symptoms that I'm certain now were caused by leaky gut/lectins and a paleo/hunter-gatherer diet has done wonders. Hang in there.


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

I'm so happy this thread exists!!

DS (13 mo) was high-needs from day one, but I didn't catch on until he was about 6 or 7 months. For one thing, I was already doing the AP thing - had I been trying to get him to sleep in a crib or put him on a schedule, I would have caught on sooner. Also, I haven't spent much time around babies, so I didn't know what was "normal" and what wasn't.

The challenges have shifted throughout the different stages. The worst was right before he started crawling because he was frustrated and in the middle of hardcore teething. He was nursing non-stop day and night, I hadn't yet found out about high-needs babes, and I was deeply burned out - angry at the baby, resentful of my husband and his freedom, generally depressed. Not good.

Our constant struggles: DS gets incredibly frustrated when faced with his own limitations. We had very rough patches right before crawling and walking. He needs human interaction. Lots of humans. If it's just me around (which is the case most of the time), he gets bored, fussy, clingy, wants to nurse every five minutes, needs me in his face playing with him directly. He can't handle having me pay attention to anything else - I can't set him up to play and then go about tidying the room, or give him some pots and pans and go about cooking like I see other moms do. He doesn't tolerate a carrier anymore, for any length of time. If I'm not very proactive about getting breaks, I WILL burnout. Right now he's being fairly tolerant of the car seat, but he has full-on purple-faced meltdowns, and when we're going through those phases I'm effectively housebound. He wakes about every 1.5-2 hours at night, which is not a problem as it relates to sleep, but it does affect my perception of "me-time." His sleep is so unpredictable that I can't get involved in any kind of activity without being worried he's going to wake up and need me at any moment (this goes for sex, reading a book, knitting, watching a movie, folding laundry, sewing, all the hobbies and interests that used to form my identity before "MOM" took over entirely...). I can get bitterly jealous of moms who can put their baby down, then go out for a late movie or a party without worrying about being needed in the middle of the night.

How I've coped: Since human interaction and constant input seem to be the things that make DS happy, we go to malls a lot. It's even better than a park for him. He is so happy to walk up and down the aisles, babbling and smiling at anyone who will give him a second glance. Lowering expectations of myself - I had a talk with DH, and he now does the cleaning (I tidy as much as I can, but he does 100% of stuff like bathrooms, dusting, floor cleaning, etc). He was actually thrilled to be able to help. Like I said, I'm proactive about getting breaks - relaxation doesn't happens spontaneously, you have to plan it. It's as simple as going to the grocery store while the baby stays home with DH. 30 minutes once a week is enough. I have to remind myself that anything I'm trying to do can wait - but he can't. I sometimes need to go down the list of remarkable qualities he has to remind myself why I am so lucky to be his mom. I've found myself chanting "he's a baby, he's a baby, he's a baby" - he isn't punishing me, he's only expressing his needs, it isn't fair to be angry at him, I'm only frustrated with the situation, etc.

Does anyone know if there are any high-needs toddler books out there? I have the Fussy Baby Book, but I'm looking more for tips on appropriate discipline, since we're about to be truly in the realm of toddlerhood. Right now I'm reading The Emotional Life of a Toddler and Parenting with Purpose.


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *yippiehippie*
> 
> My DS (16mo) fits all but 1 or 2 of Sear's definition of "high needs", so, yeah, I hear ya. I'm pregnant (what was i thinking?!), trying to buy a house, and completely drained. It is so hard!! *He's actually a lot less clingy and needy when we're out, so most people really don't "buy" it, which is frustrating.* When we're out, though, he wants to run away, get into and climb on everything (so curious and active!). He nurses all the time, including all night, woke at 4:30 the last 2 mornings and is up, won't go back down. (his normal wake up time is 5, so not much different).


Oh gosh, this is SO true for us! DS is such a smily, happy, content kid when other people are around. He's a big ham, loves interacting with people. The comment I hear most often is, "Is he always so happy?" Ha...no. When it's just us, he needs to be playing with me (WITH me, not next to me or watching...WITH me), or he's on my hip. No joke - if I have to walk away from him, even a couple of feet, I back away because he can't handle being walked away from. If I back away and talk to him the whole time, he's cool, but if I turn my back it's immediate, heart-breaking, wounded crying.

He also wants to be down and running around wherever we are...which makes grocery shopping nearly impossible. He doesn't tolerate a carrier, and if I put him in the cart I have about ten minutes before he's crying to be held, and then he immediately twists to get down. Not even the coolest toy will distract him from wanting to get down.


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## Ara-Q (Dec 16, 2011)

Hey again. I have to cook all my own food since travels to Asia 10 years ago. I am still sensitive to pre-made stuff but most of the pain, bloating, etc. is gone since I got healed of gluten intolerance. (Thankyou, Jesus.) It takes a lot of time and effort. Our son never slept more than 10-11 hours in 24 since he was 8 months old, even when he napped. When he was 8 months old he decided he didn't like sleep, and did everything possible to avoid it from then until about 2 and a half. Now that he's almost three he still fights, but not as hard. At 8 months he had 2 top and bottom front teeth. My nipples were cracked and he was biting me when he woke up every hour to nurse. It hurt so bad, and I tried to quit but he would cry for hours if I gave him the bottle (even with pumped milk). The guy upstairs moved out. I realize now that it wasn't because he needed to nurse every hour but because he was in the habit, and eventually I trained him to go back to sleep by just rolling over so he couldn't smell the milk as much. Then he only nursed every 2 hours. Over another 8 months I weaned him. After 6 months he was only nursing in the morning and at night, and maybe when I got home from work. I tried to work but I wasn't getting enough sleep. It was like he could just sense when I needed him to sleep and those were the nights he would be awake for hours in the middle of the night.

He's also super sensitive to any sort of disruption in his sleep schedule. Jamie's on shift work, which is really tough. If we go on vacation I have learned how to get him back to his schedule, but I am also ready for it to take up to 3 weeks.


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## andromedajulie (May 28, 2011)

Mama, just wanted to offer support... my DD1 was (and still is - age 9) a very high needs child, and until I had the second, I didn't realize she was just that way. I thought it was me for a long time, couldn't understand why everyone else was having an easier time of it. I wish you luck and rest and I'm glad you've found some mamas who can relate and hopefully help!


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## Terrilein (Jan 9, 2007)

Just wanted to check back in. I'm totally sick and tired of being sick and tired. There's nothing I can do to make this child happy. There's nothing I can do to make him stop hurting us. There's nothing I can do to make him safe in our home. I'm a single mom again and no, I can't get daycare to give me a bit of a rest from him. I'm so totally screwed and wish I never had this child.


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## Love (Jan 17, 2012)

@terrilein

Talk to a fostering agency, someone out there would love him and not regret adopting him.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Terrilein*
> 
> Just wanted to check back in. I'm totally sick and tired of being sick and tired. There's nothing I can do to make this child happy. There's nothing I can do to make him stop hurting us. There's nothing I can do to make him safe in our home. I'm a single mom again and no, I can't get daycare to give me a bit of a rest from him. I'm so totally screwed and wish I never had this child.


Terrilein, I'm really really concerned about you & your son. Something needs to change, and FAST. What do you think would help you feel OK with things? Are there respite services or foster care available in your area? How about counseling? I see you are in Germany, do you have something like Early Intervention there? How about friends/family/neighbor who can take him so you can get a break? A school kid who can play with him for a bit while you take a nap in another room? Is adoption a route you want to explore?

You sound so miserable but I don't think it is normal to feel the way you do about your child. I have a very very high-needs 3-year-old myself (though he's greatly improved over the past year!) and I can't say I have ever felt that I wished I never had him. Even at his worst, I wanted him in my life. Even when I wanted to run away or crawl into bed and never get out, some part of me was glad DS was a part of my life. I'm really worried that you are depressed or something, or just stressed way beyond your breaking point. Have you checked in Finding Your Tribe to see if anyone can help with local resources? Do you have real life support locally?

I apologize if you are just venting and I'm overreacting to what you've said, it just concerns me greatly. We all need to vent sometimes but if you truly feel the way you've said you do, you owe it to your son to find a way into a better situation for both of you, whatever that means for you.


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## Tattooed Hand (Mar 31, 2009)

Terrilien, I can totally relate to wishing that you had never had a child. My DD goes through excruciatingly difficult phases, and while I love and adore her, sometimes at the end of the day, I wish I had never had a child. I collapse on the couch (in the 45 minutes before she wakes up again) and cry. She has many problems and challenges and I don't think other moms understand that while it may not be normal for them, loving your child and wishing you had never had them because you are beleaguered on all sides with no help and no respite can coexist. IT is human. And I think people's suggestions are it is not are rather dogmatic about the way a mom is suppose to feel.

Maybe they are worried it might lead to hurting your child or neglect. Do you think this is the case? I had to get my husband to take time off from work because I was worried about this when my DD was younger and I hadn't had a REM cycle in 5 weeks. But we had the luxury of a savings. Being alone is so much harder. Where in Germany are you?

Is there some way you can have a little relief in the short term so that you can get some rest so that you can think and work out a longer term solution? Do you think there is something medical going on with your LO given the suddeness of this?

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Hugs to you and I hope things get better.


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## Ara-Q (Dec 16, 2011)

I can relate too. I do love Josiah but some weeks I am so tired and my husband seems to do so little I feel like finding someone to adopt him. But once I get some sanity time this feeling usually subsides, at least for a while. There seems to be a desperate need for change in your situation, and the hardest thing to do is reach up and do something. But you need to remember you are powerful and there is hope, even if it means adopting out your child so you can have a life worth living.


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## Rustyleaf (Mar 12, 2012)

Terrilien - I have felt the same way about my child. It sounds like you just really need a break from him so you can reset your mind and break the monotony of caring for a high needs child. That is the only thing that saved me, 2 hours a week all to myself, was enough to let me interrupt that broken record feeling of exhaustive giving. Please try to hang in there, I do believe it will get better for all of us, and in the end we will discover that our children are bright, interesting, creative individuals. I have gained a lot of peace reading Dr. Sears write about his high needs daughter, when I feel like I am losing my mind:

http://askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/parent-parent-20-survival-tips-parents-high-need-children


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## tracyamber (May 26, 2011)

glad to see i am not alone. and i too had found this hn support group a while back but it was not current. yay!!! validation.

my son is high needs from hour one. he literally turns red when he screams. when he was 2 weeks i had to call the doctor because he'd be so passionate and turn as bright as a tomato when he wanted something...no kidding.

he is 12 months and as cute as a button. he is bright,walking and when he smiles he lights up the whole room. in fact, when he is happy we are all happyLOL.

he wakes up 10 times a night. he breastfeeds all the time. he is hard to satisfy. he wants me in his space and sight at all moments.

when he is fussy fussy i put him in the ergo and we walk. okay,we walk everyday and i burn those extra calories. good thing we live in a forest. yes, we live in a forest next to a river and 5 streams.

in the morning , i put him in his high chair and he feeds himself. he loves to do this. i will chop a little strawberry, peach,apricot. give him oatmeal and/or polenta and shredded cheese and sometimes an egg. in the meantime, i can actually make a cup of coffee and drink it and check email. wow!

he has had night terrors since 9 months. infrequent. lately it has been several times a week. talk about exhausting.we have always been on a strict bedtime routine but now we have incorporated chamomile(1ounce). he gets so worked up. and we try not to overly tire him after his first nap.sometimes hard to do because he is an active boy and love stacking building,walking and banging.

anyway,we'd love to have another child and i am considering night weaning him but feeling like this is not his time to do so.

anyway, hope you all having a good day and thanks for letting me be apart of the group!


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *luckiest*
> 
> Right now he's being fairly tolerant of the car seat, but he has full-on purple-faced meltdowns, and when we're going through those phases I'm effectively housebound.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with PP that said that other people don't "get it" because their kids are so smiley and outgoing in public - we just had DS's first birthday party, and he was a total social butterfly! Playing with everyone, making rounds (he's walking now) babbling and just beaming. It really was wonderful and adorable, but I do get alot of weird looks and "ok...if you SAY so" things from family and friends (like I would make it up!). He is extremely happy, and he can be extremely, well, not. He's just a passionate kid! (that is my mantra, haha)

Again, that book really helped me find ways of working WITH his personality, instead of fighting it. That said, I have resigned myself to the fact that I am simply not going to be taking a night off to go party any time soon...but, my time WILL come...and I certainly won't feel like I wasted a second of his younger years that I should have spent with him.


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

@Terrilein - please let us know how you are doing - and feel free to let fly here! Much better to get it out amongst adults who understand, than by doing anything that will endanger your child (emotionally or physically). I can't imagine doing it all on my own with other children, and you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. This child's needs are stretching your limits, but please don't let it break you. Please do whatever you need to to find someone who can give you some help, a regular break, or explore other options if need be. Fighting against your child's needs is the quickest way to wear both of you down...again, like others on here, I really recommend the Dr. Sears books (and this whole site: http://askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/fussy-baby/high-need-baby) and Raising Your Spirited Child. The latter really helps you understand how they are wired, and gives lots of practical advice on how you can work with them (instead of fighting them every step).

Your child isn't out to get you...he's just made this way, and he needs your help. And you need help so that you can have the energy to help him. Please let us know how things are going, mama.


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

I knew as a new mom, there would be times I would need help so someone could take the baby and I could shower...I didn't know that this would still be an issue (in fact, an even bigger issue!!!) at one-year-old.









There was a time when my precious HN DS could be pacified with toys, singing, and frequent mama check-ins from behind the shower curtain (eta: ok, not really - but he wouldn't go into deep purple face, destructo, screaming without breathing mode) - now I shower with the curtain wide open, don't have time to shave, and just try to not splash water everywhere while I simultaneously wash and retrieve the toys he throws into the tub (from his belted-in spot in his toddler rocker, facing the shower). I love him - he is the most precious, sweet child (who just disarmed our alarm system in the background - and now is climbing up the stairs...) but...really??!?!! No shower??! I would just bring him in with me, but he is a daredevil (frequently jumping in and out of the tub headfirst), we have an old metal tub, and he also likes to crawl right up under my feet.









That said, he is adorable and smoochable and climbing the stairs again...


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## gitanamama (Feb 17, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *luckiest*
> 
> When it's just us, he needs to be playing with me (WITH me, not next to me or watching...WITH me), or he's on my hip. No joke - if I have to walk away from him, even a couple of feet, I back away because he can't handle being walked away from. If I back away and talk to him the whole time, he's cool, but if I turn my back it's immediate, heart-breaking, wounded crying.
> 
> He also wants to be down and running around wherever we are...which makes grocery shopping nearly impossible. He doesn't tolerate a carrier, and if I put him in the cart I have about ten minutes before he's crying to be held, and then he immediately twists to get down. Not even the coolest toy will distract him from wanting to get down.


Yes!! What I find most exhausting is that my son demands constant engagement. I can count the number of times he's played on his own---and usually his dad and I rush in to make sure he hasn't passed out because it's so rare. We have TONS of toys (I run a home daycare) but my son has to have one of us down on the floor engaging with him in order to play. He also demands to be part of whatever activity I'm doing--which is a great sign in many ways but also really tiring. I can't just wash dishes or cook a meal, I have to also make sure he has something hands-on to do by my side, and dialogue the entire time, or else he has a major meltdown. It's exhausting.

What I've found with my little one is that his extremes are really.....extreme. He can be incredibly cheerful, funny, joyful, and sweet one minute and then a total monster the next. All of his emotions are super strong. It's like he experiences the world more intensely than others. I'm a pretty mellow person, so it totally rocks my boat to deal with such dramatic and intense shifts in mood and energy.


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *gitanamama*
> 
> I can't just wash dishes or cook a meal, I have to also make sure he has something hands-on to do by my side, and dialogue the entire time, or else he has a major meltdown. It's exhausting.
> 
> What I've found with my little one is that his extremes are really.....extreme. He can be incredibly cheerful, funny, joyful, and sweet one minute and then a total monster the next. All of his emotions are super strong. It's like he experiences the world more intensely than others. I'm a pretty mellow person, so it totally rocks my boat to deal with such dramatic and intense shifts in mood and energy.










Although, to be honest, I was exactly like this as a kid and adult - he is actually the thing that has forced me to learn to let go, roll with it, and smile or laugh whenever possible. He has made me calmer and more mellow (it was mellow or bust!







some days are still bust...)


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

Reviving this thread because I have a whole new set of challenges now!

DS is almost 19 months and VERY good at asserting his will - which is great, but he wants things that literally are not possible and we have EPIC meltdowns when they cannot happen. My heart just breaks because he can't understand yet why he can't have what he wants and he seems so wounded by it. We're unconditional parenting people, so I really follow his lead and do my best to say yes to everything that is reasonably possible and make our environment suitable to that. If he wants to watch a video because I left the iPad on the couch - fine. He wants to go outside while I'm doing dishes - I stop doing the dishes and we go outside. I really do try to make his life as stress-free as possible, but the conflicts seem to be coming in rapid fire all of a sudden.

There was a change at some point, overnight, and he's suddenly requesting things that I KNOW he knows he can't have or do. It's like he roams the house picking out only dangerous and off-limit things. I tell myself that he's just exhibiting an "outward" phase of experimenting with independence and an "inward" phase will come soon enough, but JEEZ. It's rough.

Right now we can't even run errands because I can't handle him in a store by myself. He twists to get out of the sling, he kicks if I try to put him in a cart, and he won't stay on my hip. He wants down and that's all he will accept. We were going to try to start potty training next week, but that is suddenly seeming like a terrible idea. Getting in or out of the car means an instant meltdown, because he wants to sit in the front seat and play with the buttons on the console. In theory, I'm okay with that, but it's ten thousand degrees here already and we can't just sit in the car idling and wasting gas.

He's also a very talented climber and it's guaranteed that if I have my back to him for more than thirty seconds that when I turn around he'll be up high on something. I'm so glad we don't' have tall book cases!

Anyhow, I'm sure this phase was induced by a 10 day stay at my father's house, in the middle of which DH went on a business trip. Right when we got back was when this big shift happened, so I'm sure he's responding to all the change going on..he's a big people person, and I'm sure that important people flitting in and out of his world is stressful.


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Luckiest, to me it sounds like it's time to steel your nerves and enter your zen space  No, I'm serious. When my daughter goes through phases like this, we both fare best if I can remove myself from her passion. I need to remain firm in our boundaries, then calm while she freaks out. That's my job. The unhappiness and rage that she's feeling is, unfortunately, her battle. I stand firm, calm, and gentle in the face of it (um, ideally), and when it passes, we hug and try to move on. When we have days where she's finding every single "no" thing in the house, I take us out somewhere that I know I'll be able to say "yes." A hike usually works really well for us with this, or a farm. And also, try to provide ample play time for the things that he seems really obsessed with that are getting him in trouble - like climbing. Take him to a rock wall or somewhere else with good climbing potential and let him go at it as often as you can until he moves on to something else. And my last piece of advice - I know you said you like to say yes, but try to avoid saying yes to things that you won't always want to say yes to. Like playing up front in the car. We made that mistake, too. If you say no from the outset, there won't be confusion about that boundary later on and you'll avoid a million future battles.

Good luck. My girl has just entered a particularly hard phase, too, so I know how you feel. At 27 months, we're suddenly at the "NO!" "I don't WANT to do that" phase. I'm having to learn a whole new way of speaking to get around the "no's." I kind of miss the stage where I was the one saying no instead...


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## gitanamama (Feb 17, 2011)

Thanks for reviving this thread Luckiest. I've thought about it many times over the past few months, especially when we've had one of *those*days (like today!) when I think, "why is this so HARD?!" 18-23 months was killer for us. DS had a pretty good vocabulary but had a really hard time explaining himself and making his needs clear, which led to epic temper tantrums. And like you said, a lot of times he was set on getting something that was off limits or impossible to give him. It felt like we were butting heads all day, every day, despite my best efforts to be patient and compassionate. Things have improved a lot in the past couple of months---he's talking more and getting a little more patient. We still have some really rough days though (like today) when nothing seems to please DS and he just sort of rages against me and the world. It makes me sad to see him so upset and angry, but also wears me out and leaves me totally exhausted after trying to be calm and patient with him all day. I love what you said newmamalizzy about standing firm, calm, and gentle in the face of the toddler storm---I'm really working on not letting my son's meltdowns wear me down!


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

Thank you for the support! I'm very happy to report that these last two days have been great. I think being back in a routine is helping, and so is the over-the-top amount of attention he's getting with potty training (he's been using the potty part time for months, we're just trying to make the final push). He's slept better, he's more calm, and I actually don't think we've had any conflict today at all.

DH is leaving on a long (10 day) overseas trip next week, so other than a little help from my mom I'll be flying solo...let's just all hope that this peace holds!


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## Skippy918 (Jul 15, 2008)

I am glad I found this thread. DD is 14 months and I would classify her as high needs. She was colicky for 4 months and then she got better, but lately she's just fussy all the time. I am at a loss of what to do to make her happy. At daycare she's happy all day. As soon as we get home the fussing starts. Even after I nurse her she still fusses. I try to give her attention but I also hate like I'm neglecting DS. Anyway, just wanted to commiserate with y'all.


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## maman08 (Jun 22, 2011)

Is this thread still active? I found it through Google searching and am hoping some of you are still around. My two year-old son Nathaniel (second of three boys) is definitely what I would call high need, he was colicky as a baby and now as a toddler is no less intense. I also have a four year-old and a two month-old, both of whom are much more easygoing although the four year-old has some of the "high need" characteristics as well. I don't know anyone else where I live who has a high need child, and could really use some support and advice on how to deal with my son in a loving way while keeping at least a shred of my sanity intact...


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## Rustyleaf (Mar 12, 2012)

Also in need of support as no one believes me about any of my daughter's high needs or they blame my parenting! We are in a low point right now, as she is 20 months old. I always stayed optimistic that things would slowly get better, but they are worse than ever! I actually develop migraines and nausea because she screams so many hours of the day. I finally broke down and called in for an Early Intervention evaluation. I was interviewed on the phone and they assessed that they should send an occupational therapist, a speech therapist, a nutritionist and a social worker to our home to assess her. My question to the moms is... what happens to "high needs" when they get older? Does is fizzle out or does it get diagnosed as some disorder? Dr. Sears only addresses the infant aspect of high needs, and then he skips forward and praises his grown daughter Hayden for being remarkable now. But how do you handle age 2-20? And what if "high needs" is really just a precursor for ADHD or SPD or something similar?

My daughter's needs and demands are so high they literally cannot be met by just her mother. She requires at least 2 or more people around to bounce her energy off of. She is miserable with mom all day but thrilled around the large, extended family. I feel like there is nothing I can do to make this kid happy and am so far BEYOND mother burnout, it's just laughable. I am just an empty shell of a person, going through the motions to keep my child alive, as I can't seem to accomplish anything else because she is so resistant and exhausting 24/7.

I am reading about Sensory Processing Disorder, specifically the sub-type "Sensory Seeking/ Craving" and it sounds so much like her high needs. I am hoping an occupational therapist can help her get a handle on some of her feelings and actions, because a lot of the time she just seems unhappy!

http://www.spdfoundation.net/


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## Tattooed Hand (Mar 31, 2009)

hello ladies, it's been a while.

My DD is now 2 years and 8 months old and I want to say that we have come a LONG LONG way. She was very colicky as an infant and a horrible, horrible sleeper (at one point she was waking up every hour, all night long, for a few months there). For various reasons (ezcema, being very very jumpy) we first thought she had allergies, then leaky gut, and then we didn't know what. She refused to take a bottle or a paci. I was practically starving on a really restricted diet while breastfeeding for 2.5 years, she was on a really restricted diet, etc. There was talk of occupational therapy, etc. I have to be honest it was a real nightmare.

But in the last few months things have gotten alot easier. The first thing is that we started to send her to a home daycare for a few hours every day. It's with 4 other kids (although they have activities with a larger group 3 days a week) and she absolutely loves it. It gives us a break and structures her day and is a huge outlet for energy and stimulation. One mama just cannot provide everything for a high needs toddler.

We normalized both our diets, I finally weaned (an epic process that took 3.5 months) and she started to sleep through the night. (I honestly don't know if she just grew out of whatever the problem was or that maybe there was no problem it was just part of being high needs).

And the insane meltdowns have mellowed WAY way down. I think honestly it was a combination of her being able to talk and understand more, and us being very patient and respectful and trying to explain things to her. I think this has been key. As a baby, unless she knew, understood and liked something, she resisted and fought it with everything she had. Now that we can talk to her about things, even if in that moment she resists, if we explain why something has to happen, she is much more likely to go along with it if we remind her of the reason. It's like it all makes sense and she likes to be part of things. We also find that validating her feelings has made her more amenable to accepting that some things just cannot happen and calming her down much faster.

She is still very intense and high needs, but I no longer feel like I am drowning for the first time. And I am able to appreciate how smart, funny and sensitive she is. I hope this gives mamas with younger kids who are having a hard time some hope.


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

Rustyleaf - the book Raising Your Spirited Child is what you need. It covers the 2-20







There is a bit of a gap still, as her advice is mostly for school-aged or older toddlers, and the pre/limitedly verbal young toddlers aren't really addressed by TFBB or RYSC. Both are still indispensably valuable books. I found RYSC to be even more helpful and enlightening than the Sears book.


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## izzybizzysmom (Oct 24, 2012)

I hope this thread is still alive because I'm SO happy to have found this. My dd will be 2 in a couple weeks and she's high needs to the t! My most recent struggle has been that I just recently went back to work part time. Thankfully my employers are super lenient and know that I have a toddler at home so I can come in any day and anytime I want. To them any help at all is great.

Well I was going in on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 9-1. This was working great! I was only gone for a few hours and she'd get to spend time with her Auntie (my SIL whom she loves) and Nana (my mom who she also loves) on Fridays. Only now she's caught on that it's a regular thing and she's not going for it anymore. It's so bad that the days I have off, she'll freak out if I leave the room, thinking I've left for work. And if someone comes over to visit she frantically will say "down....milk...?", meaning she wants to go to her safe haven (our bed) and nurse. It breaks my heart. And the days that my SIL comes over to watch her it's getting harder and harder to sneak off b/c she's attached to my legs. Once I'm gone she's totally fine and doesn't cry. But I know I can't leave her while she's watching or she'd object and probably freak out. Anyone deal with this before? I don't know what to do. :/


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## lalemma (Apr 21, 2009)

Mamas, this thread popped up in my google search, so I'm bumping it.

I have a young three-year-old boy. He is really sweet and funny and weird and wonderful, but he is also spirited/high-needs/whatever the cool kids are calling it these days. I could use some tips, or even just some "I hear you" support. I mostly SAH/WAH with him, although he goes to hippie preschool three times a week, and my husband is working long hours right now, so four days a week, it's the two of us. And it is really hard for me to admit this, but oh God, I can barely cope sometimes.

My main thing is how much he needs to be engaged with CONSTANTLY. I certainly don't expect him to play by himself all day, but I am a bit of an introvert, and he is highly, highly verbal, and he just wants to talk and interact constantly, whereas, to be a good mama, I really need to be able to dip into my own quiet headspace a couple of times a day for 30 minutes. I find this really hard. You'd think that going for a walk or something would be a good thing to do, but instead it's all about how we have to stop and discuss a rock he found and how rain works and what do you think that mail carrier's name is.

I mean, I am not so much of an introvert that I don't like to be social. I do. And I like talking to my little boy. It's just that, even with adults, being forced to socialize all day is basically my nightmare. I need to be quiet here and there for basic sanity. And since he quit napping, it's just constant conversation (and not conversation I can ignore, he isn't just rattling on, he demands responses) from 7 to 7.

To get anything done (loading the dishwasher, starting dinner, or just being in my own head for 10 minutes so I can stay sane) I have to resort to letting him watch TV. Watching any TV at all is not my ideal, so I feel pretty bad about this. I would love to be able to say "Okay, I have to start dinner. Why don't you play with Legos and occasionally check in with me?" but the reality is more like me trying to go into the kitchen and him standing at the gate and breaking out the epic lamentations, and throwing things into the kitchen, and trying to start conversations, and so on and so forth, until I turn on some Dinosaur Train.

We did/do the whole AP enchilada with this kidlet. He just moved to his own room, he still nurses, he eats a totally whole-foods diet, he goes to a hippie preschool a couple of times a week, we do Hand-in-Hand/NVC communicating with each other. And aside from the constant conversation-having, I feel like our communication is actually really solid. So I don't think there's a whole lot I could realistically change that would improve things. This is just who he is, and my mother and mother-in-law say that this is basically how my husband and I were, too. So I'm guessing it's genetic and it's our comeuppance... sigh.

Anyway, I doubt there are solutions. But I really want to be able to more consistently stay in an emotional place where I feel cheerful about interacting with him. Instead of that feeling of dread and boredom, which I feel so ashamed to have, ugh. So maybe there are some been-there parents in here who know what I'm talking about? Even just knowing that other people get what this is would help.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Lalemma, I wish I had advice for you but all I can really offer is commiseration. It is insanely hard not being able to escape to your own head for a few minutes here & there! We also have been doing way more TV than I'd like lately (my ideal being NONE)... it's not the end of the world & I remind myself *I* need it for *my* sanity, and still try to use it sparingly. Playdates have become my saving grace because he's finally at the point where he'll go off & play with another kid for a bit. I don't get quiet but at least I get adult conversation which is... quiet_er_. He also loves listening to music & audiobooks so I use those sometimes instead of TV. I do make rules about random things... like no stories in the car because it distracts me from driving, or I will tell him DH & I need to talk for 5mins so he needs to listen quietly or go play elsewhere, or I will tell him I need a break and that I'm not going to talk to him for a couple minutes. The more I do it consistently, without giving in (and make sure to follow up with any extra attention etc. that I've promised) the more he is able to spend a couple of minutes unengaged... but I'm talking in minutes, not 1/2 an hour or anything, though every little bit helps.


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Ooh, I'm right there, too. Introvert, constantly talking child, the whole enchillada. We've implemented a solid quiet rest time routine that really helps save my sanity. First we snuggle up in the bedroom, and do individual quiet reading time. I started this with five minutes, and I still SAY it's five minutes, but nowadays she's so used to it that she'll sit and read her books to herself for 15 - 20 minutes while I read, too. The trick to this was doing things exactly the same way every time so it just became the norm. Then I read to her for 30 - 40 minutes, and then I snuggle her up on the couch with a show for about 45 minutes. (This is generally the only TV time she gets, unless I'm having a REALLY bad/busy day, so I don't really feel bad about it.) I use her show time to relax a bit, cook lunch, and prep some stuff for supper.

My other sanity saver is this stupid kids' songs tape that I had when I was little. This tape is....wow. It's awful. But if I put it on during DD's afternoon snack, she'll sit there and eat and raptly listen to the darned thing for a loooooong time without trying to talk to me. And, as an added bonus, she can sing about ridiculous things like "How can he maaaaarry without any wife???" She really likes the Grover CD from Sesame Street Old School, and Gift of the Tortoise by Ladysmith Black Mambazo, too.

There are still many days where at some point I literally beg her to stop talking for just TWO MINUTES, pleeeease! Is your little one a why-monster, too?


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

Another introvert over here! DS is only just starting to use words (at 24 months), but while I can't understand what he's saying, I hear his voice non-stop, morning to night. If he's awake, he's babbling. He also needs constant engagement and interaction. If I so much as sit down to pee, he's right there pulling my hand, wanting me to play with him. His biggest spirited trait is being high energy and physical, so all day he's climbing, jumping, running, and several times a day I feel like he has a near death experience. I think most parents would be horrified to see how much 'dangerous' stuff I let him do, just because it would be futile to try to stop him from balancing on the arm of the couch or climbing on the kitchen counters.

He's acting like he wants to drop his nap, and the idea positively terrifies me. Alone time is not a luxury for me; I need it to function. We'll have to figure out a new system (regular childcare, if we can figure out how to afford it) if it turns out that he's dropping it for good.

We were using the TV quite a bit to get stuff done, but it became super problematic and we had to drop it altogether. I wish that I could dole out the TV 20 minutes at a time so I could finish a task, but he asks for more and more and it becomes such a battleground (and stalling tactic at bedtime) that we had to remove it entirely. I was expecting to be frazzled and exhausted and not get anything done (well, you know, except for parenting a child!), but I was very pleased to see that our lives are actually easier without it. I think he must just be especially sensitive to the heightened sensory input, even though we chose "quiet" shows. I think he up-regulated his sensory input and real life is comparatively boring, so he needs even more input from ME when it's not on. Or he gets used to being passively entertained...or both. Without it, he's much more likely to play by himself, actually play with his toys instead of following me around, and amazingly, he even nurses less...!

I feel like sometimes when I talk about DS's temperament, I give off the impression that because he's exhausting and difficult to parent, he's somehow a "bad" kid. Anyone else? I feel like I have to emphasize that just because he is insistent and extreme (both ways - happy and angry) and energetic, that doesn't mean he's out of control or a bully or mean. I don't know, I guess it just seems like a lot of people categorize kids into either "good" or "bad" with "good" equating to calm, quiet, obedient kids, and "bad" being...anything else.


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## Serenyd (Jan 6, 2008)

What did your high needs toddler do when you had another baby and they weren't the center of attention anymore? TTC #4 and a bit worried about having a newborn around my DD.


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## sk8boarder15 (Jan 12, 2010)

Hey all, I just need to come vent since I thought we were mostly out of these woods but it seems we are right back in there. My DS was a VERY high needs infant, he slept terribly, was always gassy, and just miserable unless he was nursing, asleep, or bouncing. One he turned 1 and slowed down nursing we learned (the hard way) that he was allergic to dairy. Eliminating that from his diet helped A LOT. But we also eventualy eliminated gluten and he was much happier. By 2 he was pretty happy and laid back and had a good routine and life was a bit easier, but now he's been a wreck. We can't really go anywhere with out him, running away, screaming, crying, fighting us (when we stop him from breaking things etc...). I try to give him freedom at home, but when we go out he just can't handle having to sit in one spot (even with lots of snacks, toys, and our attention).

My sisters birthday dinner was miserable becuase he was suck a wreck the whole time. He just threw a fit this morning. It seems we are having 1 MAJOR tantrum nearly everyday. I mean inconsolble screaming and crying that just breaks my heart. His schedual is kind of messed up due to the holidays and I suspect that is playing a role. He is still sleeping a lot, just going to bed later and getting up later. Most days he naps 1-2 hours in addition to at least 10 hours of sleep a night (last night was 12 hours!). He eats pretty well, and is a smart kid. Hes just so unhappy again lately and mostly over things that just aren't going to change....

If anyone has any tips for helping a 27 month old (who is smart and very good at communicating normally) calm down from a tantrum that would really help me. I found that looking at pictures really helps sometimes. looking at pictures of family seems to really comfort him.


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

sk8boarder15 - the pictures of family is a good idea. I need to try that. I absolutely feel ya on the cyclical nature of things. DS had always been extremely high-needs/spirited - textbook in every way - persistent, intense, high energy, daredevil, chatterbox (verbally precocious), super perceptive, sensitive, hard time with transitions, on and on. BUT the past few months (~16-19 months?) he seemed to level out a bit. He would let me take a shower without screaming bloody murder for the first time in his entire life! He'd just get in with me and talk or play with his toys in the hall right outside the bathroom or drive trucks on the toilet lid. He seemed to roll with transitions a bit more smoothly. He would still have tantrums when I had to tell him no (however sensitively done, and no's are limited) - but he seemed to figure out on his own that he needed space to calm himself. He started simply running in to the other room to privately have a fit. I would check in and if he wasn't ready he would yell at me - so I'd tell him I understood he was upset, that I loved him and I'd wait until he was ready and leave him alone (he'd always come running back to nurse when calm).

I figured it was him growing up, having an easier time expressing himself (having accrued about 300 words to his vocabulary). Well, now we are in an entirely different ballgame. He was always an avid nurser, but now it's almost non-stop. He still uses the same techniques to calm himself, but tantrums are waaaay more frequent (many times per day). He will not, under any circumstances, tolerate me taking a shower for 5 minutes (he screams, cries, alternates between angry demands and heartbreaking pleading and sobbing).







Bathroom breaks are equally offensive.

And he's just so MOODY - like, pre-teen girl hormonal moody. He loves me, he hates me. He needs me desperately, he can't stand me. Giant mood swings in mere minutes. He sulks, he pouts, he grumbles, he glowers. Everything is the.worst.thing.ever. The sky is falling, Chicken Little. Of course, he is still also often intensely happy and playful - but this moody, sullen thing has knocked me completely for a loop!







I'm used to the angry-happy shift, not so much this...

Bedtime takes about 2 hours per night. Still nursing all night. Perma-nursing from dawn to wake-up, flipping and flopping like a fish. Oh, and yes, we use far too much TV - need to cut that out, but not sure I'm up for wrapping my brain around that, as I'm a bit exhausted right now!







(all of this said, I totally get wanting to avoid the "bad kid" thing, whoever mentioned that - I do understand it, and I want to avoid it, as well. I try to use the terms that put a positive spin on it - spirited, adventurous, creative, expressive, strong leader, sensitive/empathetic - I *ADORE* my child, he is amazing and full of awesome - just sometimes the awesome is hard to keep up with!







)


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Argh, I've just got to chime in here with a vent today, too. My DD has just this past week reached a level of awful I didn't think possible. She's like a verbal colicky newborn. Screaming and crying about every transition, every "no" (and yes, I avoid using that word, but she knows when she's being denied), every time something is disappointing or sad or not as planned - even if the thing doesn't even have anything to do with her! (The turkeys in the freezer thawed out! Auuuuuggghhhhhh!) I am hoping and praying that this is not a new developmental stage, but quotes from "Your 2 Year Old" are constantly popping into my head. Rigid. Inflexible. Indecisive. The 2 and a half year old angst. BUT - she was sick with a bad cold starting on Christmas Eve, AND we traveled to my in-laws for the holidays and had a terrible visit with too much stimulation, lousy food, inappropriate behavior from the relatives, and poor sleeping accommodations. So.....oh, I hope she'll snap out of it.

BUT, I'd also love some more ideas for dealing with all this screaming. We were getting by fine with empathy and hugs, but this is too much. I've had to set limits about how much she can scream in the public areas of the house, and if she can't calm down I take her to the bedroom with me. And if she's hurting my ears too much to hold her, I tell her I can hug her again when her voice is quieter. I just wish I could prevent all the screaming in the first place. She seems so volatile and unpredictable, and all my usual tricks aren't helping her


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

newmamalizzy -- did you bring her to the doctor? have you tried giving her ibuprofen or tylenol? perhaps she has an ear infection? just wondering since she was just recently sick... often i find DS is suddenly worse/screamy/etc. when he has an ear infection or still hasn't recovered from a virus (even though he otherwise may not seem sick).

hugs, i hope it's just a brief stage!


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## sk8boarder15 (Jan 12, 2010)

Well, I've figured out one thing. FOOD. If I can keep this kid eating all day, he's happier. Not always happy, but better. He needs to eat, a lot. He needs to eat almost as soon as he wakes. He'll be so crabby he'll push away food, but if I put a few choices out and I eat something, then he will try some and eat enough to calm down. I wonder if he is hypoglycemic, or just going though a growth spurt.... Either way. If I put food in front of him hourly, and he gets a nap the day goes MUCH better. Outside time has also been helping. I've been trying to get into the routine of Wake up, eat, get dressed/ready, snack, play (preferably outside), lunch, nap, snack, indoor playing/reading/drawing, dinner, TV or quiet play, bath, stories bed. This seems to help. This last month starting with a trip and ending with Christmas destroyed our schedule and the tantrums increased. Predictability, with lots of food built in helps this kid stay level headed (though we certainly still have rough moments each day).


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## Serenyd (Jan 6, 2008)

http://www.anchoragepress.com/news/the-gluten-made-her-do-it-how-going-gluten-free/article_39e2478e-4585-11e2-a80c-0019bb2963f4.html?TNNoMobile

Thought I would post this here, in case it might help someone. I don't know that going gluten free would help my daughter, but it might be worth trying cutting it out for a couple of weeks to see what happens.


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy*
> 
> newmamalizzy -- did you bring her to the doctor? have you tried giving her ibuprofen or tylenol? perhaps she has an ear infection? just wondering since she was just recently sick... often i find DS is suddenly worse/screamy/etc. when he has an ear infection or still hasn't recovered from a virus (even though he otherwise may not seem sick).
> hugs, i hope it's just a brief stage!


I don't think she has an ear infection because for once she's not sleeping too badly, but I am keeping an eye out for it. I've kind of been hoping for that, actually, since it's so easy to solve!

It does seem like the behavior has gotten less intense over the past few days, so I think you may be right about the virus causing the behavior to escalate. Funny, she was a compliant angel at gymnastics class today. After screaming and flailing for an hour as I tried to get her ready to go this morning. Why are kids like that???


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *newmamalizzy*
> 
> Argh, I've just got to chime in here with a vent today, too. My DD has just this past week reached a level of awful I didn't think possible. She's like a verbal colicky newborn. Screaming and crying about every transition, every "no" (and yes, I avoid using that word, but she knows when she's being denied), every time something is disappointing or sad or not as planned - even if the thing doesn't even have anything to do with her! (The turkeys in the freezer thawed out! Auuuuuggghhhhhh!) I am hoping and praying that this is not a new developmental stage, but quotes from "Your 2 Year Old" are constantly popping into my head. Rigid. Inflexible. Indecisive. The 2 and a half year old angst. BUT - she was sick with a bad cold starting on Christmas Eve, AND we traveled to my in-laws for the holidays and had a terrible visit with too much stimulation, lousy food, inappropriate behavior from the relatives, and poor sleeping accommodations. So.....oh, I hope she'll snap out of it.
> 
> BUT, I'd also love some more ideas for dealing with all this screaming. We were getting by fine with empathy and hugs, but this is too much. I've had to set limits about how much she can scream in the public areas of the house, and if she can't calm down I take her to the bedroom with me. And if she's hurting my ears too much to hold her, I tell her I can hug her again when her voice is quieter. I just wish I could prevent all the screaming in the first place. She seems so volatile and unpredictable, and all my usual tricks aren't helping her


How is it going, newmamalizzy? I am so sorry you are in this boat, but for what it's worth, this post has kept me sane the past few days!!!







Seriously, I keep repeating it in my head over and over (ESPECIALLY the part about the turkey - ha!) because it is SO EXACTLY what is going on over here, with my 20 month old.

Near constant moodiness, everything is a tragedy (even if, like the turkey, it has nothing to do with him), 1-2 super mega meltdowns a day where he just can't recover and doesn't even know what he wants and just cries and screams for at least 30 minutes (he is super verbal, but words seem to fail him).







I had the exact same thoughts as you - he is like a verbal colicky newborn! I don't remember this level of crazy emotional instability, except for when he was a babe.

For example, yesterday playing with magnets on the fridge - he lost it because he wanted to move some magnets, but wherever he moved them just brought more tears...a magnet broke (magnet part separated) and he lost it...magnets don't stick to paper (he knows this, but lost it)...wants to look in the freezer, then bursts into tears...etc. etc. The worst was when he realized he ate the head off his gingerbread man - total upset meltdown - and then his dad ate an arm, in an effort to show him it was ok, you are supposed to eat it, and THAT was horrible - he was crying even more, searching in DH's mouth for the missing limb!









He has always been an intense, sensitive dude - but this is just a new level of constant. I think the major meltdowns would be easier to weather, without the CONSTANT screaming, crying, whining indignation at every turn. The littlest things set him off. I just don't know how to help him (other than holding/nursing him, calmly talking to him on his level, etc.), and I'm feeling a bit frazzled myself!


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## sesa70 (May 12, 2006)

I haven't had a chance to read through all the posts yet, but I have a question  When does it cross the line from high needs/spirited or challenging to special needs? I just feel like our experiences with our daughter (also our 3rd) are so far outside the realm of anything I've experienced or seen with 'typical' children that I am starting to wonder if I have to face the facts that its not just about her being high needs but that maybe there is more going on? Has anyone else had these concerns?


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sesa70*
> 
> I haven't had a chance to read through all the posts yet, but I have a question
> 
> ...


Yes... my ultra-high-needs DS was in Early Intervention for a while & just had a private evaluation too actually. I don't have the eval results yet, but regardless of the official diagnosis, he does have some special needs... I want to say "mild" but they affect him (and our family) pretty profoundly so that word doesn't seem quite right! I guess what led me to believe there was something more going on was that things that work for others do not work for DS. I have read probably hundreds of books at this point, and many of them focus on high-needs kids, and even all their suggestions didn't work. It's also been clear since he was born that he has some sensory issues (particularly auditory) and his social issues became apparent when we started hanging around same-age kids a lot and he just really really struggled.

Is your DD under age 3? If so, you can get an EI evaluation for free. Services are usually free as well (PT, OT, speech therapy, play therapy, etc. depending what your child needs) and sometimes you can even get access to respite services, free preschool, etc. It can't hurt anything to get an eval, they even come to your house.

If she is over age 3 or seems to have more complex needs, you can get a private eval. The one we just did was with a neurodevelopmental pedi. Who you see for the eval really depends on what issues concern you -- it might be more appropriate to do something more targeted, like a speech eval or something, but the full comprehensive eval can be helpful (supposedly) when things seem hard to sort out. Another option is consulting a therapist -- we have been taking DS to play therapy for a while. It's fun for him, and she has helped quite a bit with his anxiety. Good thing about play therapy is almost anyone can benefit from it and there aren't really criteria to be eligible for it. Down side is the therapist may not have extensive experience with more specific developmental issues.

Hope that helps... from my own experience, I'd say trust your gut, and get some help sooner rather than later. I really wish we hadn't just let others (doctors, family, friends) placate us, ignore our concerns, etc. when I felt things weren't right for a long time. Things got really, really bad for us before we finally realized we needed to push harder for intervention. This sadly seems to be the case for many with issues that aren't immediately obvious.


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pickle18*
> 
> How is it going, newmamalizzy? I am so sorry you are in this boat, but for what it's worth, this post has kept me sane the past few days!!!
> 
> ...


Thanks for asking, pickle18. And sorry to hear that you're having this issue, too! It sounds like your LO is sensitive in the way mine is with the whole meltdown-over-anything-negative thing. I have to try really hard to filter the thoughts that I express out loud, or else she's upset all the time. Oops, I burned the onions. Auugghhhh!! Oh, I guess we can't go to memere's after all. Auuugghhh!!! I think I missed the turn. Auuuggghhh!!!! The intensity has gotten worse, but she's always done it.

Sometimes I feel like my daughter behaves just like I do when I'm in the throes of PMS. Your description of your LO with the refrigerator magnets totally reminded me of that. Can they just be raging with crazy hormones? So sad/adorable, the image of your LO trying to retrieve the arm.

DD has been a bit better since we've been home from Christmas, mostly because there's not as much that she has to do or as much for me to say no about. I wish I had endless patience so that I could keep all of the upset impersonal and just be there for her, but I just get tired and frustrated sometimes. I hate it when I get snippy with DD when I know full well that she can't control her behavior.


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## mamapenguin (Jun 6, 2012)

Just wondering if anyone has experience with starting their high needs toddlers in playschool. My husband and I have been talking about enrolling our DD (who is almost 3) in playschool 2 mornings a week. I could really use a break (I'm a SAHM) but I have some reservations about this. DD is very anxious and transitions are really difficult. To be honest, the thought of having to get her out of the house and to school by 9am sounds daunting to me - routine stuff like getting dressed is always very difficult, and the transition from house to car is also really rough, let alone the bigger transition of getting used to a new place, people, being away from me for the first time. DH is really pushing for it because he is a very social person, and he's disturbed by the fact that DD has still shown no interest in playing with other kids. We go to playgroups, but she pretty much wants to play with me, or will occasionally play on her own. He feels like she needs more exposure and that she should be learning to interact better with other kids. DH also doesn't like the fact that DD is so attached to me - he gets really frustrated that she only wants me, that she's still nursing etc. He's hoping she'll find some new level of independence. I don't have to go back to work for another year, so it's not like she has to go to school, and I kind of feel like I should just continue to give her some more time home with me - maybe she really needs that strong sense of security. We go to a gymnastics class and 1 or 2 playgroups every week, so we do get out and see other kids and mamas. I'm an introvert, but I do make an effort to get us out If I really need a break, I could ask my mum to take her for a morning each week.

So, I guess my questions are - what was it like starting an intense/anxious kiddo in playschool? Any tips? Did school actually help them learn some social skills and new independence (that would hopefully lead to less whining and clinging behaviour at home, and perhaps the ability to play independently)? Does this seem like a good idea, or will I be creating more problems? Any input and perspectives would be appreciated.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamapenguin*
> 
> So, I guess my questions are - what was it like starting an intense/anxious kiddo in playschool? Any tips? Did school actually help them learn some social skills and new independence (that would hopefully lead to less whining and clinging behaviour at home, and perhaps the ability to play independently)? Does this seem like a good idea, or will I be creating more problems? Any input and perspectives would be appreciated.


We have no experience with traditional playschool (and I am 99.9% certain it would be an utter disaster for DS!) but we have done a homeschool co-op that met 3-5 times a week.

On the plus side, his social skills/willingness to play with other kids have improved quite a bit since getting together regularly & consistently with the same kids and having a bit more structure (vs. just a playdate). His friendships have deepened and his play skills have expanded.

On the down side... he's picked up a ton of negative attitudes and behaviors from the other kids. He also seems to be very overstimulated by being around so many kids, and his behavior at home has gotten drastically worse -- aggressive & destructive, completely out of control -- and since noticing this we've started skipping most of the co-op days. It's just more than he can handle. And no, it did not lead to less whining & clinging while we were home at all... though less when we were out at this specific co-op. It hasn't extended to other outings with kids he doesn't know -- at storytime or other kid events he still will only interact with me & frantically cling to me.


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## sesa70 (May 12, 2006)

I have not done it yet, but I am almost positive I will be enrolling my super high needs almost 2 year old in montessori school within the next 6 months or so for 3 days a week. I just need some time away from the screaming and whining and tantruming. My husband is worried they won't accept her, but I hope to go observe a few classrooms in the near future to see. I kept my other two girls home with me as long as possible and was so sad to see them transition to school. With my current little one I feel like I need some time away from the extreme behaviors to recharge and be able to deal with them in a calmer and less emotional way. Plus I hope that she will benefit from the montessori environment. I wouldn't send her any other type of program, however, thats just me 

About the special needs question I asked earlier... I actually *did* have my dd evaluated by EI, by speech, OT, DT, and Psych. She needed two areas to be found eligable, and the only one who did find she qualified was psych. She doesn't have any fine/gross motor or speech delays, her issues are sensory and behavioral, and those alone won't get her services  Some days I just don't know what to do. She is so tantrumy and rageful, and shes so small. I worry about what our futures will be when its a 7year old or 13 year old throwing things and kicking the dog


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sesa70*
> 
> About the special needs question I asked earlier... I actually *did* have my dd evaluated by EI, by speech, OT, DT, and Psych. She needed two areas to be found eligable, and the only one who did find she qualified was psych. She doesn't have any fine/gross motor or speech delays, her issues are sensory and behavioral, and those alone won't get her services
> 
> ...


Can you find a play therapist that would be covered by your insurance? I've definitely found it to be worth it for DS. What did the psych suggest?


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *newmamalizzy*
> 
> Thanks for asking, pickle18. And sorry to hear that you're having this issue, too! It sounds like your LO is sensitive in the way mine is with the whole meltdown-over-anything-negative thing. I have to try really hard to filter the thoughts that I express out loud, or else she's upset all the time. Oops, I burned the onions. Auugghhhh!! Oh, I guess we can't go to memere's after all. Auuugghhh!!! I think I missed the turn. Auuuggghhh!!!! The intensity has gotten worse, but she's always done it.
> 
> ...


^ All of this!!! I completely relate. He is in an incredibly emotional phase right now (even for him) - for a while, transitions and tiny separations (bathroom break, shower) were getting so much easier - and now they are horrific again. He does remind me exactly of a hormonal, preteen girl (my DH wishes I would quit using that analogy, hahaha - but it's true!). Every little thing = the whole sky falling.







And it's so heartbreaking sometimes, because I can see him trying so hard to cope - the trembling lip he's trying to hold stiff, the tears in his eyes, the frantic, deep breaths he takes while I explain that mommy's have to use the potty, too, and it will only take a minute and he can even stay in there with me - and he takes those gasping breaths and says, "Ok, mama, ok, mama" and then bursts into tears despite his best efforts. I try to be there for him and help as much as I can.

Of course, there are definitely days where I feel like the well of patience I have to be a calm, loving mother just gets used up - too many big meltdowns and far too many little ones, and I just need to replenish my own peace, so I can be a better mom for him, ya know? I start to feel like I *can't* help him, and that feeling sucks. I hate to hear that exasperated edge creep into my voice, too.

mamapenguin - for my LO, there is just no way I can even think about that right now. To me, as long as I can keep myself together 99.9% of the time, being loving and keyed into providing for his needs, that's obviously where he needs to be. It sounds a little bit like your DH's view is colored by his temperament, and is trumping your kids' temperament/needs - do you have any indicators that she is ready for that transition? Could you try a smaller experiment and see how it goes? (a smal, regularl separation leaving her with your mom or a friend?) Because I know with my DS, it would be a nightmare - it might even set him back worse, ya know? I just figure, I will regain my independence as DS naturally gains his. I definitely do not think you are doing your child a disservice by keeping them at home until they are ready - and I think parallel play at that age is still quite common.


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sesa70*
> 
> I haven't had a chance to read through all the posts yet, but I have a question  When does it cross the line from high needs/spirited or challenging to special needs? I just feel like our experiences with our daughter (also our 3rd) are so far outside the realm of anything I've experienced or seen with 'typical' children that I am starting to wonder if I have to face the facts that its not just about her being high needs but that maybe there is more going on? Has anyone else had these concerns?


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sesa70*
> 
> I have not done it yet, but I am almost positive I will be enrolling my super high needs almost 2 year old in montessori school within the next 6 months or so for 3 days a week. I just need some time away from the screaming and whining and tantruming. My husband is worried they won't accept her, but I hope to go observe a few classrooms in the near future to see. I kept my other two girls home with me as long as possible and was so sad to see them transition to school. With my current little one I feel like I need some time away from the extreme behaviors to recharge and be able to deal with them in a calmer and less emotional way. Plus I hope that she will benefit from the montessori environment. I wouldn't send her any other type of program, however, thats just me
> 
> About the special needs question I asked earlier... I actually *did* have my dd evaluated by EI, by speech, OT, DT, and Psych. She needed two areas to be found eligable, and the only one who did find she qualified was psych. She doesn't have any fine/gross motor or speech delays, her issues are sensory and behavioral, and those alone won't get her services  Some days I just don't know what to do. She is so tantrumy and rageful, and shes so small. I worry about what our futures will be when its a 7year old or 13 year old throwing things and kicking the dog


Thank you for asking this question - it's something that I'm really curious about off and on - where that line is, and how best to help my kid. I'm reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..." right now, and it reinforces the way I've been trying to deal with his stormy emotions his entire life - I think it's better than not doing (naming, talking about what I see, helping him express himself physically punching pillows instead of people, etc.), but lots of times he just locks me out and nothing can help him. He's just stuck in a rage, and it goes on and on until he is obviously scared (usually after he's thrown something big across the room, or just can't stop yelling and punching me or banging on walls) - then something gives way, and he sloooowly gets to the point where he is receptive to my voice or touch or nursing.

He can be the sweetest, most sensitive, empathetic and aware lil boy I've ever met. The kind of kid that apologizes to his toys because he *almost* bumped into them. He just has epic tantrums, and right now, is in a super emotional phase - his world falls apart if a character goes off screen in a TV show, or a trash truck that he was watching drives away. He is constantly whining and arguing - even with his toys, but especially with me (even if I'm not bothering him at all). He melts if I make a wrong turn, or forget anything (like washing diapers, or to bring his backpack). It is an absolute miracle to get clothes on him, at all, EVER - this one affects my life the most, because I feel like I'm hostage in my house. No trick I've ever read works - he'll assent to getting dressed, especially to go do something he likes or suggests, then panics when the clothes touch him. He's only 20 months old, but he's as big as a 3 year old, and STRONG - to the point where I can barely force him to get dressed by myself anymore, even if I wanted to strong arm him. Like you, I wonder what is going to happen as he gets older... :-\ Transitions have always been a huge problem. The only sensory behaviors I really see are that he's easily overwhelmed in loud, crowded environments - but the rest are sensory seeking - daredevil stunts, chewing on fingers, eating lots of jalapenos and other intense foods, etc.

It's hard for me, as he's my only child - so I'm constantly wondering what is normal toddler tantrum behavior, and what is something more? Maybe he's just an intense kid who is sensitive, fearless and loves spicy food. I'm just always trying to figure out how to meet his needs.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Popping in for a few minutes. This is not my first HN child but I am soo OVER this. He is standing here screaming at me right now, just like he always does. I guess I am touch on a few points. My oldest was an insanely intense baby/toddler/preschooler. Screamed all the time, had to be touching me every single second, I couldn't even leave her with DH until she was 3 years old. She is 10 now. Along with the way she was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, dyslexia, and an anxiety disorder, I feel like she has basically struggled in every accept of her entire life. I did know from the time she was 3/4 that something was wrong, this just wasn't a HN child but no one would listen to me.







Two more children, none of which were easy and both have their won special needs, but all different and none were as insanely demanding as DD1 was. Then we got the bonus baby which has literally turned out to be a carbon copy of DD1 except for the anxiety. He does haven't those same problems she did as this age. He is 17 months now and OMG, I just need to rename him Monster. Part of it is that I have not slept in 10 years, I haven't had a second to myself, and then I get the worst fourth child ever.

We did try preschool with DD1 when she was a anxious 4 year old. Let's just say it didn't end well! DD2 was very anxious too and we pulled her out and restarted her several times trying to make it work before I had to bail on the whole idea of preschool for her. I am deeply attracted to the idea of putting DS2 in a preschool next year but he'll just be two and I know there is no freaking way it would work. 6 hours a week without him screaming though sounds like heaven.


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Peony*
> 
> Popping in for a few minutes. This is not my first HN child but I am soo OVER this. He is standing here screaming at me right now, just like he always does. I guess I am touch on a few points. My oldest was an insanely intense baby/toddler/preschooler. Screamed all the time, had to be touching me every single second, I couldn't even leave her with DH until she was 3 years old. She is 10 now. Along with the way she was diagnosed with *Sensory Processing Disorder, dyslexia, and an anxiety disorder*, I feel like she has basically struggled in every accept of her entire life. I did know from the time she was 3/4 that something was wrong, this just wasn't a HN child but no one would listen to me.
> 
> ...


Off topic a bit, but it might be worth looking into a book called Gut and Psychology Syndrome, the GAPS diet. There is a ton of research out there compiled by Dr Natasha Campbell-McBride that connect these exact disorders (along with many others) to gut health, and there are many, many powerful healing testimonials out there from her diet protocol. Just an FYI!


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## gitanamama (Feb 17, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sesa70*
> 
> I haven't had a chance to read through all the posts yet, but I have a question  When does it cross the line from high needs/spirited or challenging to special needs? I just feel like our experiences with our daughter (also our 3rd) are so far outside the realm of anything I've experienced or seen with 'typical' children that I am starting to wonder if I have to face the facts that its not just about her being high needs but that maybe there is more going on? Has anyone else had these concerns?


I'm in tears right now, after reading through this thread, because finally someone can relate!! Sesa70-- I was about to write a post identical to yours in the "Toddler" thread. Today I was hit with this realization that maybe there's more going on with DS-- maybe he's more than just *spirited* and strong-willed-- and maybe I'm failing him by not looking into this more deeply. I spent hours on Google, which ended me up here...which is where I should have started looking for support in the first place!

Pickle and newmamalizzy-- your posts describe my son to a T. The whining and meltdowns are almost constant, the temper tantrums are epic. My son spends so much of his time raging against the world and against us-- it makes me really sad! (And angry and exhausted and totally overwhelmed. Hearing a toddler whine and scream on and off over the course of the day can really wear you down...) He can be soooo sweet and caring, and he's very bright and advanced-- great verbal skills (he's bilingual) and motor skills--- but so much of our day gets lost in dealing with "tragedies"--- a broken graham cracker, train tracks that don't hook together, having to wait 5 minutes to go outside..... None of the GD techniques seem to work. I try to empathize, give him options, not get caught in power struggles, etc. but nothing seems to help once DS gets going. Tantrums end only when he gets so worked up that he is at the point of vomiting and then, and only then, can I comfort him by holding and cuddling him.

I've spent the past hour ready about Sensory Processing Disorder, and while DS fits many of the characteristics, he doesn't have the main ones. He hates loud noises and the feeling of socks, he's very shy and withdrawn around new people, and has extreme tantrums.....but, he's also very coordinated and physically advanced, very easily engaged. I've considered dietary issues, but there are no physical signs--- no issues with digestion, no rashes, and neither DH nor I have any allergies.

Whew. There's a hot bath calling my name--it's been a long day! I'm so glad my crazed google-searching led me to this thread-- just knowing that other mamas are dealing with the same issues is somehow of consolation....


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Funny, I was just thinking about posting on this thread. Gitanamama, I'm so sorry that you're struggling with your LO right now. Just wanted to tell you that I read Out of Sync Child and didn't really fit. That said, I've still had success incorporating a bit of "sensory diet" into our life. It most definitely can't hurt to try.

I was actually coming on to mention that my DD's rough spell from my last posts lasted over a month. One day at the end if Feb she just... Snapped out of it, and was more mature than she's ever been before. Last week she got another cold, from which she's still recovering, and lo and behold, she's having the same crazy behavior again. Whiny, clingy, can't stop talking, can't seem to understand anything I say, freaking out all the time. I'm not sure what to conclude from this, but I kind of hope she never gets sick again....


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## gitanamama (Feb 17, 2011)

Thanks newmamalizzy-- today was better. I think after my meltdown last night, I was able to be more patient with DS. We stayed busy most of the day, which seems to help. I think DS needs stimulation and engagement-- almost constantly-- otherwise he gets bored and frustrated and loses it. Or at least that's my current theory.

Quote:
Originally Posted by *newmamalizzy* 



> can't stop talking, can't seem to understand anything I say, freaking out all the time.


This really stood out at me--- DS often says "huh? " over and over when I'm trying to explain something to him. I KNOW he knows what I'm saying, or is at least capable of understanding. But sometimes it's like his brain doesn't digest the words that go in. The huh? huh? huh? drives DH crazy and then it escalates from there-- usually with DH raising his voice (in the way people obnoxiously do when talking to people who speak a different language-- as though more volume will help...) The raised voice triggers DS, who just gets more frustrated, and then ends up in hysterical tears. And the talking---oh my goodness. DS talks all. the. time. I'm a pretty quiet person, so his constant need for conversation can drive me a little batty.

I have noticed that DS gets really difficult before a big developmental leap. The few months before he started walking and talking were really rough. I can't think what he might be leaping into now, but I suppose time will tell.

Hoping tomorrow is another easy day.


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Can we revive this thread? Pretty please?









gitanamama - I think you are right about the developmental leap connection - has that panned out for your DS?

We are also dealing with molars a bit on and off - but generally back into a mode where DS is my focus all day long (and he's not keen on me taking breaks after DH gets home either). So here is what I accomplish all day...nurse DS, play with DS, read to DS, color with DS, potty DS, feed DS, carry DS, hold DS for his nap (if one occurs). Trying to cook dinner in the evenings starts with me doing a tiny bit of prep, DS screaming and crying, and DH taking over.









Forget garden work, dishes, laundry, me time...*sigh* I know this stage will pass, but it's funny to feel like I'm back in the tiny infant stage with a 2 year old. Love him to pieces though! Focusing on the positives - I'm glad I'm still nursing, I can still babywear, and I'll take the extra snuggles.


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Pickle18, I DEFINITELY felt that way sometimes when DD was 2. Like it was worse than having a newborn. It's so hard to really elucidate how you can make it through a whole day with a single child and not be able to do anything. else. but tend to said child. Sometimes I can't even figure it out myself!!! A lot of our day seems like it's spent in this no-man's-land of not really doing anything particular. Time where DD is climbing around on me, or having some weird conversation about death, or trying to get me to pretend I'm Grandma. We're not playing, not doing chores, not taking care of personal hygiene, not getting ready to go out, just...I don't even know what it is. And it takes up SO MUCH TIME!

I will say, if it gives any hope, that I feel like we've been in a pretty good zone around here for a while now. In fact, I'm fearing that it's been TOO good and there must be some dreadful phase around the corner! DD had a horrible 3 months and then, shortly before her 3rd birthday, she just...snapped out of it. And suddenly she's more mature than she's ever been. She dresses herself, she totally "gets" potty training, she's relatively compliant, she's super-helpful, kind and sweet to her friends, interested in mature topics like space, dinosaurs, life long-ago, death (I don't like that one so much). There's this line from a Starhawk poem...."the pain may yet be that of birth." It does definitely seem like we go through all this developmental angst and then, suddenly, this new little being pops out of it, more mature than ever. (Maybe after the next dreadful phase she'll stop having 2 - 3 hour wakeful periods in the middle of the night??? Please?)

Here's hoping that your LO will pull through it soon, too 

We are still struggling with the constant need for conversation, though. I still think my DD would rather stand around and chit-chat with me than do anything else, although her independent play abilities have increased a bit. This is a HUGE issue for me, and the main reason that I end up yelling at my DD more days than I like to admit. I don't know why it makes me so furious when she won't stop talking to me, but...it does


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

newmamalizzy - thank you so much!!!









Your post really resonates with me, and makes me feel a little less crazy.







You are right - it is really hard to explain - especially with only one kid! Like you, we spend a huge amount of time in no man's land - mostly nursing, nursing, nursing - which I still enjoy (except for being kicked in the eyeball), so that's cool. But also lots of climbing all over me, lots of conversation, lots of ok-mommy-let's-do-this-ok-no-let's-do-that-no-now-this, etc. Cajoling him into getting out of the house (to run errands or just play) takes loads of effort.

On the flip side, I do get peeks into his development. I can see how far his vocabulary and speech have come even since he turned 2 a couple months ago. He's big into human anatomy and other cool interests right now. And I do see the beginnings of independent play - he's begun talking to himself a lot, making up his own pretend characters and worlds. Although he's still far more likely to play by himself at the toy store than at home.









I know one day I will miss having this loquacious lil buddy attached to my hip (literally), so I try to take it in stride. It just becomes hard when I'm burnt out from being "on" all day and night, because he needs me - but then I can't take a proper break, because he needs me. I want to be fully present and engaged, yet sometimes find myself exhausted and mentally checking out. Tonight, though, I managed to get a whole shower in peace while he had a blast playing with DH!







So, that was cool - a win for everybody.


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

I wanted to pop in and say that my DS has had a big, big developmental leap at some point and is SO MUCH easier now. That isn't to say it's easy, or that he isn't still very intense and prone to epic tantrums and sensitive to tragedies, but he is easier.

I think a lot of it had to do with a verbal leap...he's always been on the very late end of the verbal spectrum, and at 2.5 is just now speaking in full sentences and I feel like he can understand me much better. It confirmed my suspicions that a lot of his frustrations stemmed from a communication gap.

He's also suddenly nursing much less...a few months ago it was countless...constantly on and off, day and night. Now it's 3-4 times a day, maybe 2 at night. And he's able to wait for a few minutes without going to pieces if I can't nurse him right away.

It doesn't feel like he's always on my hip or my boob anymore. He's still always right next to me, it isn't like he's playing in another room ever, but it's like he can feel secure with there being slightly more space between us.

DH has been antsy to TTC, but up until now I haven't even been able to entertain the notion. I feel like I can finally see a time in the not-so-distant future where I could maybe, possibly, handle both him and a baby. He's changed so much in the last 6 months; in another year he'll be a different child.

Still, though...still, even being so much easier compared with 6 months ago, he needs my focus and attention all.the.time. And he doesn't nap anymore, and screens turn him into an evil monster, and we have dietary restrictions that make eating out/food shortcuts impossible...so the only thing I ever get to do that doesn't directly involve playing with DS is cooking (and even then he's "helping"). DH tries to take some of the load off, and if not for his help I would be drowning.

Our next kids will be little compliant blobs, right? Right?


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

My niece is a compliant blob. It is awesome


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## gitanamama (Feb 17, 2011)

Yes!! Thank you so much for reviving this thread. We had a relatively easy phase a bit after I wrote my last post (1 tantrum a day instead of 6.) I can't really pinpoint any developmental leap-- DS started playing on his own a bit more than before (meaning 5-10 minutes, rather than 30 seconds) but that's about it. But now we're struggling again-- this time with transitions. Even if I give him plenty of warning and reminders and talk him through the whole process, DS still has a really hard time switching gears. We haven't left the house for two days in a row because I don't have the energy to deal with the power struggle that comes with getting dressed, shoes on, and out the door. And then the tantrum when it's time to leave the pool or park. The other day I had DS finally dressed after a 20 minute struggle, went upstairs to quickly change my shirt, and came down to find that he'd taken all his clothes off again and was jumping on the couch. We spend so much time in no-man's-land as well Mamalizzy!! The space between activities stretches out endlessly and I find the whole day has disappeared and I haven't really gotten anything done.

Transitioning to bedtime has become particularly difficult. I know that summer and the bright evenings have a lot to do with it, but every night ends in screaming. DS's tantrums have become less hysterical and more.....calculated? Dramatic? Not sure how to describe the shift, but I feel like most of the time, he is purposefully screaming and throwing himself on the ground.


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *gitanamama*
> 
> Yes!! Thank you so much for reviving this thread. We had a relatively easy phase a bit after I wrote my last post (1 tantrum a day instead of 6.) I can't really pinpoint any developmental leap-- DS started playing on his own a bit more than before (meaning 5-10 minutes, rather than 30 seconds) but that's about it. But now we're struggling again-- this time with transitions. Even if I give him plenty of warning and reminders and talk him through the whole process, DS still has a really hard time switching gears. We haven't left the house for two days in a row because I don't have the energy to deal with the power struggle that comes with getting dressed, shoes on, and out the door. And then the tantrum when it's time to leave the pool or park. The other day I had DS finally dressed after a 20 minute struggle, went upstairs to quickly change my shirt, and came down to find that he'd taken all his clothes off again and was jumping on the couch. We spend so much time in no-man's-land as well Mamalizzy!! The space between activities stretches out endlessly and I find the whole day has disappeared and I haven't really gotten anything done.


5-10 minutes sounds impressive!!!







I am right there with you on transitions. We frequently have days like those! (the jumping on the couch bit sounds sooo familiar!







). There is the tiniest of windows, those few times when I can get him to agree to go somewhere, where I can then immediately dress him and whisk him out the door. Frequently, I miss it (since the window is about 2 minutes max), and then we're stuck. All day. I do figure he just needs some chill time around the house (usually we have a couple days of down time right after major scheduling or travel - general overstimulation), but then I wonder if I'm just horribly lazy or lack a backbone or whatever.









I need this thread so I can stay grounded in AP and remember that I just have a spirited kiddo - have a place with people who understand, and not second guess myself. It's hard when we are stuck inside and I think, "how would I even explain this to someone else? They would immediately say my toddler is running the household, I am out of control, I need to lay down the law, blah blah..."

I would like to think that I would have parented a compliant blob the same way, but I am glad DS has made me realize (even more, perhaps) the value of cooperation, respect, really listening to my kid and feeling out his needs - involving him in decisions and activities. I always say we fell into AP (co-sleeping, babywearing, all of it!) mainly because DS clearly would tolerate nothing less.









At the very least, we are both alive, healthy and fed (if not always happy) at the end of the day, and that is something!







I know my hours and effort went somewhere, because it's night and I'm exhausted.


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## pickle18 (Jan 27, 2012)

Oh, and as for nights - I still don't have those figured out.







DS was up until sunrise recently (another way I feel like we are back in infant mode - days and nights mixed up!) - that was special. But for most nights, I finally had to bag all our "routines" and just let DH go to bed, then turn the lights off, watch quiet videos (I know, but it works) and nurse until he falls asleep. Sometimes it's sooner, sometimes it's waaaay later (plus side of skipping naps is it's usually sooner). Thanks to *luckiest*, I realized I could diaper him and put pjs on AFTER he falls asleep, which has been AWESOME!!!







One giant battle avoided...

It's weird, but it works for us, and I'm allll about what works!







As for the tantrums - do you think he might just have leftover stress to work out? I know after many a tantrum, DS can fall sound asleep. I think it's a dramatic form of stress relief (from overstimulation, not being able to power down easily, whatever the case may be - just need to blow off some steam). Could he also be missing his sleep window, maybe? Overtired?


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## gitanamama (Feb 17, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pickle18*
> 
> I need this thread so I can stay grounded in AP and remember that I just have a spirited kiddo - have a place with people who understand, and not second guess myself. It's hard when we are stuck inside and I think, "how would I even explain this to someone else? They would immediately say my toddler is running the household, I am out of control, I need to lay down the law, blah blah..."


My feelings exactly. I've been getting a lot of thinly veiled "feedback" from family and friends lately about our "layed back" approach to raising DS. It's all well meant and just little comments here and there, but I end up second guessing myself a lot. The general consensus seems to be that we don't discipline DS enough-- that we let him call the shots. And some days, after changing plans and not leaving the house because DS isn't in the mood to put clothes on, it feels that way. But the other option involves forcing a screaming toddler into clothes and the carseat and whatever else is on my agenda-- and that doesn't seem to benefit anyone.

It's so nice to be able to come here and decompress around other mamas who get it!!


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## gypsynamaste11 (Jul 11, 2013)

Having lots of nap issues with my 19 month old. She is high needs, very emotional and intense but devoloping right on track so im not too worried. She has always been very difficult with sleep since the moment she was born. After loads of chriropractor trips and consistency things did get a bit better. Night time sleeping isnt much of an issue anymore but napping is a problem. She will only nap on me, she will wake up and scream bloody murder if i try to transfer her to the bed. If i do somehow successfully transfer her to bed i need to be laying next ti her and she needs to be touching me. This is a problem for me because im pregnant and need to pee all the time! Lol. If she skips her nap she wont go to bed any earlier. She is always fed and tired before i try to get her to nap. Insomnia does run in my family and i have it, so im almost positive its related. Sleep is so important and her not getting enough concerns me.


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