# Legal Responsiblity? - DD's Friends have sex in my house



## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

A couple of days ago I found out that my daughter has been letting a couple of her friends use her bedroom to have sex. Both come from a fairly strict families. The girl is a preachers kid. (Ages 15f/16m)

Now that I know about this, am I at any legal risk?


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I can't imagine you'd be at any legal risk for what happened before you knew, as long as you stop it now.

Although, I honestly don't know if a 15yo and a 16yo having sex is breaking the law in any way. Most "age of consent" laws have exceptions for kids close in age, and in some places the age of consent is as low as 14 or 15 to begin with.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I can't imagine you'd be at any legal risk for what happened before you knew, as long as you stop it now.

Although, I honestly don't know if a 15yo and a 16yo having sex is breaking the law in any way. Most "age of consent" laws have exceptions for kids close in age, and in some places the age of consent is as low as 14 or 15 to begin with.

I don't know if it is breaking the law in any way or not. I was just thinking it might fall under some obscure "parental interference" or "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" law.

I have already told my daughter to put a stop to it, but really I can't possibly enforce it this time of year. They get off of school at 3:00pm and I work until 8:30pm on many days. It has me a little worried.


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## Bellejar (Oct 2, 2005)

Yes, you could be at legal risk. Especially if you know they are doing it and allow it to continue. I would stay 500 ft. away from this one. Everything is fine until someone's parents get mad, then they look for a scapegoat. What is the age of consent where you live anyway?


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I would put a stop to it immediately. I would think you could be sued if the parents find out you are aware of this, and allow it to continue.

Basically, you can be sued for almost anything these days.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

I would not allow your daughter to have the two of them in the house, period. If you find out she does after you have told her not to, she must face punishment. My daughters are not allowed to have anyone in the house when we are not home, unless I approve of it first, and let their parents know that they are here and we are not. No boys are allowed here without us, period...whether they are my daughter's friends or boyfriends, etc...

I think perhaps you need to have a rule of no one in the house when you are not home, and there should be consequences if she breaks the rules.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
I don't know if it is breaking the law in any way or not. I was just thinking it might fall under some obscure "parental interference" or "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" law.

I have already told my daughter to put a stop to it, but really I can't possibly enforce it this time of year. They get off of school at 3:00pm and I work until 8:30pm on many days. It has me a little worried.

You can't enforce it at this time of the year?? It's YOUR house and YOUR child and you can't enforce it? That's not a good way to look at it.







I was a teen that was left home alone while my mom worked two jobs and was never home. Because of that I was always in trouble and was having sex by the time I was 15. I think you need to find some place for your daughter to go after school. Where is her dad? Do you have a family member, neighbor or friend that can oversee her activities until you get home? At this point since you know about what is going on you are responsible from here on out if you allow these children to keep meeting up at your home.

I would have already called the other kids parents, at least the girls parents. I'm betting they don't even realize their child is at a house where there is no adult supervision, especially considering the other girls dad is a preacher. I would feel guilty if I "now" know about it and did nothing to stop it. You don't "have" to allow kids in your home when you aren't there. It's obvious anyway (to me) that this other child is using your daughter to get a place to hook up with boys. Who cares if they 'want' to have sex but it doesn't have to be allowed in your home.

I don't think I'd be so worried about the other children as much as my own child at this point. I'm quite sure she is exploring with sex as well. I highly doubt she's standing on the sidelines just taking it all in while her friends do it.







I've been there, done that myself and it just doesn't happen that way.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
I would put a stop to it immediately. I would think you could be sued if the parents find out you are aware of this, and allow it to continue.

Basically, you can be sued for almost anything these days.

I wouldn't worry about them wanting to sue me as much as just having someone look down on me as a parent. I'd be more worried about the ethical or moral reasons that I shouldn't allow this if I knew about it. I look back at the parents of my friends that allowed us to do what we wanted in their home and they never told my mom about us doing it and I think they were terrible parents now that I'm an adult.


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## kate3 (May 4, 2007)

Yes, can can be legally responsible and sued.

I agree with the others that have posted: you need to stop this and find some supervision for your daughter. Is there someone who can come to your house and watch her? Is there a sports or after school program she can go to? Obviously she hasn't shown the best judgment and should not be allowed to have anyone in the house when you are not there.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

I was a teen that was left home alone while my mom worked two jobs and was never home. Because of that I was always in trouble and was having sex by the time I was 15.
Well, it can't only be because of that because my mother also worked long hours and we were latchkey kids from childhood and I didn't have sex until marriage, and besides that, was almost never in trouble.

To the OP: I don't know if you can get in trouble, but I would try to stop it happening. If you cannot trust your daughter to follow your instructions (which is a whole other problem), and you cannot require her to go somewhere else after school, then call their parents.

You don't have to be a tattletale. Just say that your daughter isn't supposed to have other guests when you aren't home, but that she's been inviting them in the past, and you just wanted to make sure that their parents knew the policy. If their parents are as strict as you say, they will at least try to rein them in for awhile.


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mahtob* 
Well, it can't only be because of that because my mother also worked long hours and we were latchkey kids from childhood and I didn't have sex until marriage, and besides that, was almost never in trouble.

To the OP: I don't know if you can get in trouble, but I would try to stop it happening. If you cannot trust your daughter to follow your instructions (which is a whole other problem), and you cannot require her to go somewhere else after school, then call their parents.

You don't have to be a tattletale. Just say that your daughter isn't supposed to have other guests when you aren't home, but that she's been inviting them in the past, and you just wanted to make sure that their parents knew the policy. If their parents are as strict as you say, they will at least try to rein them in for awhile.









: It is your responsibility to make sure this doesn't happen anymore, no matter how difficult or complicated it is. Letting the other parents know that your dd isn't allowed to have any friends over is a good idea - you don't need to let them know about the sex but letting them know about your rule would be a good idea.


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## aliinnc (Jan 10, 2008)

If she's letting her friends have sex in her room, has that made you wonder what she's doing in her room?


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## DBZ (Aug 9, 2005)

Why wouldn't you tell the parents that thier kids are sexually active? I have a friend who is very strict. If her son was out having sex, she'd remove all "his privledges" as in dances, going out with friends, etc. etc. She doesn't want her son to become a teen parent.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DBZ* 
Why wouldn't you tell the parents that thier kids are sexually active? I have a friend who is very strict. If her son was out having sex, she'd remove all "his privledges" as in dances, going out with friends, etc. etc. She doesn't want her son to become a teen parent.

I think it would be very uncomfortable to have to tell other parents such a thing. I found out a former (we just drifted apart due to moving) friend's daughter has been skipping school, having sex, smoking pot and drinking every weekend (at 14-15) and I felt uncomfortable calling to tell them, so I asked a mutual friend who is still very good friends with her...she was going to tell them, and never did as she chickened out, and she is pretty outspoken. I mean, how would you make that phone call? "hello, this is Susie's mom...yes, did you know that your daughter has been having sex at my house when I'm not home?" I think that would be very hard to do. I think letting the parents know that you just found out that the kids have been coming over there while no one was home, and had been spending many unsupervised hours there in the presence of the opposite sex would be enough. The parents can take it from there.
Restricting kids privileges won't make them not have sex...it's a natural urge, and the more you restrict them, the more they will rebel and do things anyway...the best you can do is try and keep tabs on your kids as best you can, and educate them. Educate how NOT to have a baby, i.e. abstinence, then condoms w/spermicide if they just cannot abstain. My oldest daughter is taking that purity pledge, and plans on abstaining. I hope she can commit to her pledge. I know I wouldn't have, ha ha!!!!


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## DBZ (Aug 9, 2005)

It might be an uncomfortable phone call, but it just might prevent a teenage pregnancy. I'd much rather feel uncomfortable for a phone call then to hear a month or two later that the same girl is having to tell her parents that she is pregnant. Previous posters recommended simply saying the the child was at the home when the mom wasn't. That implies nothing. The parents would simply tell their kid not to go over there any more unless mom is home. Saying that the two kids were alone in a room together for a period of time is much better then saying nothing at all. It would speak volumes without making an accusation.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

if they aren't doing it there, they will just find somewhere else to do it. I know this because I *was* that teenage girl. I think telling the other parents that the kids were alone in the house together is enough for them to get the idea, unless they are morons.


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## fhqwhgads (Oct 30, 2007)

Do you know these parents? At all? Do you have any idea how they'll react if you were to call them and say, or imply that a their kid and another kid of the opposite gender have been alone in an unsupervised house together? This isn't to assume that the parents are abusive, but in strict households...well...who's to say? If you don't know these people, I would suggest calling each set of parents individually and telling them your DD isn't allowed to have guests when you're out.


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## MiTayTay (Jan 4, 2008)

I would be more worried about STI's than pregnancy!


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## PancakeGoddess (Oct 8, 2004)

IMO, there is no need to invade the privacy of the young people but I'd definitely stop it from happening in my house. There are all sorts of ways to monitor this while still being at work. Can you hire a responsible neighbor, senior, etc, to drop in at random? Maybe they come for a reason - to deliver a meal, package, etc, to allow your DD to save face, or something.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

How well do you know these kids? What about sitting down with them and giving them the talk, make sure they are being safe, telling them you cannot allow them to meet in your home again but you know you can't stop them from meeting elsewhere.

My daughter's friend's mom is always telling me things my daughter is doing. These are things that I don't consider a big deal(F word in a song lyric on her myspace page) and it always comes across to me as a "my daughter is a good girl, yours is bad" way. Except I know that her daughter is just the same and it's not a big deal. So I don't tell the things her daughter does(like have a facebook account she's not allowed to have)

It's like I tell the kids it's tattling if you do it to get someone in trouble and telling if it's meant to get them out of trouble.

However, if she were having sex in my house I would have to tell her. This is big, life-altering behaviour and the parents need to know in order to guide them.

I wouldn't do this to get the kids in trouble, it would be to prevent them from getting in trouble. It would be to give them the opportunity to parent their children on this issue.

I would also present it to the parents that way. I would go armed with information on how they should proceed etc.

And I would absolutely not have anyone home alone with your daughter..It's obvious she is unable to handle that responsibility well.


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## mom2 5 3ds2dd (Feb 19, 2008)

I agree with allgirls and couldn't of said any better myself. Your daughter need's to no that is not a true friend ,she is only using her .and disrespectful towards her .I have 2 grown girls and never were boys even allowed in there room ,and if a boy came they can sit down stairs and wait .
And you weren't home to see this but you need to sit her down and talk to her tell her the facts .Does she realize how much trouble there could of been (i don't no what the laws are ).But she need's to no this is not right by no means !


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
How well do you know these kids? What about sitting down with them and giving them the talk, make sure they are being safe, telling them you cannot allow them to meet in your home again but you know you can't stop them from meeting elsewhere.

\


LMAO! I would threaten them. "If I find out you were in my house without me being here, I will immediately tell your parents that you have been using MY home to have sex, and I will let your parents put a stop to it"

You can't tell them NOT to have sex, but you can tell them that you won't allow it in your house.

You honestly can't stop your dd from having people over when you aren't there. If she wants something bad enough, she will find a way to get it. Even if you are home 24/7.


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

I'd have to agree that it's hard to control what they do when you're not there, but that you still need to exert control somehow, whether it's a neighbour randomly dropping in, or you making a surprise trip home early, or finding another place for your daughter to go, or simply punishing your daughter if she breaks the rules. My daughter is home by herself for an hour or two most days before I get home from work, and if I found out this was happening those kids would be barred from my house, period. I would tell them myself, not leave it up to my daughter. And I would also tell them that if I found them there again I WOULD call their parents and tell them WHY their kids are barred from my house, and let them do whatever they will do.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
You honestly can't stop your dd from having people over when you aren't there. If she wants something bad enough, she will find a way to get it. Even if you are home 24/7.

My mom managed to put a stop to it by making me come to work with her.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
My mom managed to put a stop to it by making me come to work with her.


Seriously. I wish my mom would've put some effort into knowing what I was doing as a teenage.







I love my mom but she had that "she'll do it anyway" attitude and it did NOTHING to help me.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I like the idea of calling the parents and letting them know about the unsupervised time at your place and or setting the teens down to tell them some quick safe sex tips and to get their freak on somewhere else. It's no judgment call. It is a matter of respecting another person's house and rule.


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## chellemarie (Jan 17, 2003)

Whew! I'm glad I'm not the OP. Some of these responses are all-out rude.

OP - Do you allow your daughter to have friends over when you're not home? Did she come to you or did you find out some other way? You don't have to answer those if you don't want to here. I think they're important to consider regarding how rules are affected by this.

I'd probably call the parents and let them know that while they've been over to your house when you're not there, the rules have changed and your daughter isn't allowed to have them over. What you tell them beyond that is your call, I think. I can't say what I'd do for sure about telling them about the sexual activity.

Your daughter might have felt pressured to let these kids come over. She might be glad it's found out. You have a great teachable moment here with your daughter. This is an opening to talk about choices and responsibility and accountability. It's a good time to talk about friendships, too.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
LMAO! I would threaten them. "If I find out you were in my house without me being here, I will immediately tell your parents that you have been using MY home to have sex, and I will let your parents put a stop to it"


Well they WERE allowed at the house while I was at work, but I have decided that my daughter is only allowed to have one friend over at a time. I took this suggestion. If I catch more than one over while I am at work then their parents will be told.

I honestly don't want to get them in trouble. It would make life difficult on them because their parents are VERY strict. At the same time though I don't want to risk being liable for a lawsuit or criminal charges.

They are basically very good kids, but they need to find somewhere else to do their business.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chellemarie* 
OP - Do you allow your daughter to have friends over when you're not home? Did she come to you or did you find out some other way? You don't have to answer those if you don't want to here. I think they're important to consider regarding how rules are affected by this.

I do allow my daughter to have friends over while I am at work. Because of this event I have now changed the rule to where she can only have one friend over at a time.

I found out by coming home because I forgot money for supper. When I walked in the door my daughter was acting strange and shortly after that the boy and girl walked out of my daughter's room with disheveled clothes and hair. What had just been going on was quite obvious.

Now that the rules have changed I am going to start coming home for supper at a random time between 4pm and 7:00pm to enforce this. If more than one is over then I will be calling their parents. I have already told them this. They apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. They are good kids. I believe them.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DBZ* 
Why wouldn't you tell the parents that thier kids are sexually active? I have a friend who is very strict. If her son was out having sex, she'd remove all "his privledges" as in dances, going out with friends, etc. etc. She doesn't want her son to become a teen parent.

This is actually the EXACT reason I don't tell their parents. I know the girl's dad and I am fairly sure he would put her on lock down and probably try to break up their relationship. I'm not going to be responsible for getting them under house arrest.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

I just wanted to thank those who politely responded to this thread. I got some good advice which helped me a great deal. I think this new plan is pretty enforceable. This way nobody gets in trouble legally or otherwise.

Thanks!


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## ewins24 (May 16, 2006)

I think I would have to tell the parents b/c I would want someone to tell me if that was going on in their house w/ my child. Yes, it may mean that she is put on a short leash for a bit but its better than being a Mom before she is ready or getting an STD. I know you are in a tough spot and I don't envy where you are but that is what I would do.

I would also sit the kids down and tell them what I was going to do and give them a chance to tell their parents first.








I'm sorry you have to face this right now.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Sorry that you are going through this.

We have a 16 year old DS and it has always been our policy that he doesn't have friends over unless either myself or my DH is home. We have had that policy since he was very small and old enough to have friends over.

I have always felt very strongly that I am responsible for what goes on in my home. He has his own space in the basement with lots of games etc to take his friends but we check on them often (ie take them food etc)

If my son has done anything inappropriate at someone elses home I would definitely want to know so that it can be addressed immediately.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

I have to say I wouldn't say that they kids had been having sex, just that they had broken a house rule and they were not supposed to be in the house while you were out.

You don't know the parents of these kids, while many of the pp's have said that it's irresponsible not to tell, the truth is not telling the parents could save these kids from a possible beating.

When I was a teen my best friend got in trouble for being sexually active, he father left huge bruises on her. She eventually got help out of the situation, but no child should have to go through that if it can be avoided.

I think 'dropping in' randomly is the best way to follow up your new rule.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I think you are doing the right thing by NOT telling the parents. My father used to punch me in the face, for much smaller things than this.

People who think that all parents need to know everything are very niave about how some people treat their teens. Having lied more than once about where I got a black eye, I would never tell another parent something like this.


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## AidynElyMama (Dec 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chellemarie* 
Whew! I'm glad I'm not the OP. Some of these responses are all-out rude.

OP - Do you allow your daughter to have friends over when you're not home? Did she come to you or did you find out some other way? You don't have to answer those if you don't want to here. I think they're important to consider regarding how rules are affected by this.

I'd probably call the parents and let them know that while they've been over to your house when you're not there, the rules have changed and your daughter isn't allowed to have them over. What you tell them beyond that is your call, I think. I can't say what I'd do for sure about telling them about the sexual activity.

Your daughter might have felt pressured to let these kids come over. She might be glad it's found out. You have a great teachable moment here with your daughter. This is an opening to talk about choices and responsibility and accountability. It's a good time to talk about friendships, too.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
if they aren't doing it there, they will just find somewhere else to do it. I know this because I *was* that teenage girl. I think telling the other parents that the kids were alone in the house together is enough for them to get the idea, unless they are morons.

There are a lot of parents who wouldn't get the idea, not because they're 'morons', but because they're solidly in the mindset of 'other kids might be doing that, but my little darling never would'. My mom wasn't like that, but I could have given my grandmother photos of me doing drugs or having sex, and she'd have been convinced that someone had put my head on someone else's body or something.


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## desertpenguin (Apr 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
People who think that all parents need to know everything are very niave about how some people treat their teens.

ita. even family members that knew that my father was abusive towards me acted like it was my fault for not being a good enough daughter. he didn't punch me but he did hit me and kneed me in the crotch from behind once when trying to get me to bend over and submit to a spanking when i was 15.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Okay, am I the only one thinking 'Ew, she let other people do that in her bed?!'? Call me a prude, but I find that kind of gross... assuming said couple didn't bother to change the sheets every time. Ew.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smokering* 
Okay, am I the only one thinking 'Ew, she let other people do that in her bed?!'? Call me a prude, but I find that kind of gross... assuming said couple didn't bother to change the sheets every time. Ew.


No. You aren't the only one. I don't think teens see the 'ick' factor. I asked my daughter, "Doesn't it gross you out that they are having sex on your bed?" and she told me, "Not really. They use condoms so it isn't like he is nutting on my sheets or something like that." All I could think was, "Still, ewwwww..."


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

well, that's how my friend's sister picked up "crabs" at college. Plus, there's the whole factor of their naked butts being on her sheets, and pubic hair, plus body fluids can still slide out of the girl. I would not want anyone having sex in my bed for sure!


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
well, that's how my friend's sister picked up "crabs" at college. Plus, there's the whole factor of their naked butts being on her sheets, and pubic hair, plus body fluids can still slide out of the girl. I would not want anyone having sex in my bed for sure!

LOL, We see that, but I don't think teens do. (otherwise, why would they do things like this?)

Some of the stories my daughter tells me are pretty shocking. There is this clique of six junior/senior kids at her school. My daughter said is very widely known that all six kids engage in sex with each other. My daughter is loosely friends with one of the junior girls in that group. Luckily my daughter DOES think that is yucky.

There is a definite "ick" factor. I have decided that I am going to wash all the sheets and couch cushions(just in case) when I get home tonight.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

kids are doing all kinds of things that would have been surprising when we were teens. For example, my daughter's one friend and her boyfriend didn't want to have vaginal sex so they could both remain virgins, so they have been having anal sex instead. I was SHOCKED. I mean, this to me is even MORE personal than having vaginal intercourse, and while pregnancy cannot occur this way, I don't see how they can discount it as not being sex. Apparently, here in the bible belt...this practice is happening more than I realized, so the kids can still technically maintain their virginity. Personally, I think I'd actually rather have my daughter do it the regular way (not at all would be better) but I am just really not a fan of the whole anal thing. I think it's dirty, painful (tried twice without success...thankfully) and you can injure yourself since that is an exit and not an entrance!


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I think you are doing the right thing by NOT telling the parents. My father used to punch me in the face, for much smaller things than this.

People who think that all parents need to know everything are very niave about how some people treat their teens. Having lied more than once about where I got a black eye, I would never tell another parent something like this.

Exactly. No way in hell would I tell. I would tell them where they can cheap or low cost contraceptives and talk to them about safer sex.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I'm having a hard time understanding the logic in some post. A CHILD is doing something that may be harmful to him/her, BUT we're not telling the parents just on the off chance that the parent MAY be abusive? I hope you're willing to take responsibility if a pregnancy or std occurs.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
kids are doing all kinds of things that would have been surprising when we were teens. For example, my daughter's one friend and her boyfriend didn't want to have vaginal sex so they could both remain virgins, so they have been having anal sex instead.

I hear ya! My daughter has told me the names of THREE girls who said they were holding on to their virginity by having anal sex!!! I was like, "WHAT?! HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!" She told me the girls were talking during lunch in the cafeteria about how they managed to, "Have the fun, but hold on to whats important." I think if someone were talking about that during lunch it would probably ruin my appetite.

Oral sex is much more rampant. I won't get into those stories, but some of them are absolutely crazy.


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## sacredjourney (Aug 24, 2006)

I would approach the kids who are having sex, and tell them you don't want they doing that in your house. I think the fact that they are sexually active is their choice, and you shouldn't tell their parents, but since your daughter has kind of invited this situation in, I think you can put an end to it by meeting with them, and letting them know what yuo think. Also you could throw in some contraception advice, because they will continue to have sex with or without your daughter's room, and if their parents are strict, chances are they may not talk abut sex with them.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
I'm having a hard time understanding the logic in some post. A CHILD is doing something that may be harmful to him/her, BUT we're not telling the parents just on the off chance that the parent MAY be abusive? I hope you're willing to take responsibility if a pregnancy or std occurs.

THIS IS JUST A PERSONAL OPINION, I consider them adolescents, but I don't consider them children. I am almost certain the parents in this situation are not abusive, but I know they are very strict. I don't want to be responsible for my daughter's friends losing their social lives and the possible break-up of their relationship. That is my reason for not telling their parents.

My daughter has told me they are using condoms right now, but when the girl turns 16 they plan on getting birth control.

I feel pretty comfortable with the situation now that the rules have changed and I know it won't be happening in my house.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

for the mama who got punched in the face, and for any of you who got hit or abused as kids....I am so, so sorry. I just wanted to say that. I was lucky as a kid, (I had a rough childhood in a different way) but I knew many kids who weren't so lucky, and I always wanted to make things better for them somehow. My daughter's boyfriend's dad...well, I don't think he has ever punched him, but he has kicked him and beaten him with his belt a LOT. The kid definitely has self esteem issues as a result, and I feel really bad for him. Even though he isn't necessarily _my_ pick for her, I try to be as welcoming and sweet to him as possible, because I feel he needs it. My DH didn't even want him around for a while there, but he's back to coming around and having dinner here. He told me once he loves coming here...I think he enjoys seeing a big, loving family interacting.

Anyway....


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## LifeIZBeautiful (Jan 28, 2007)

I may have missed this, but, did you say anything to the 2 teens when you saw them come out of DD's room? I would just tell them dd is not allowed to have unsupervised friends over while alone at home. And, mention that you come home often to make sure your dd is okay.

While I understand you are protecting their privacy or any *potential* abuse from their families, I also feel you may be inadvertantly allowing potential disease to those kids *and* your dd. I don't see anything wrong with letting at least one of the parents know that you have the above rule. You don't have to explain any details, just that you had noticed their child there while you were not home.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

I don't see how not telling the parents is going to cause these people to get a disease or pregnant. Telling the parents won't prevent them from having sex if that is what they are choosing to do and apparently they are using condoms...so good. I agree that you can't knowingly let them have sex in your house if their parents are against it but there is no reason to tell the parents. It sounds like you have taken care of the situation to the best of your ability.


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## fhqwhgads (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LifeIZBeautiful* 
I may have missed this, but, did you say anything to the 2 teens when you saw them come out of DD's room? I would just tell them dd is not allowed to have unsupervised friends over while alone at home. And, mention that you come home often to make sure your dd is okay.

While I understand you are protecting their privacy or any *potential* abuse from their families, I also feel you may be inadvertantly allowing potential disease to those kids *and* your dd. I don't see anything wrong with letting at least one of the parents know that you have the above rule. You don't have to explain any details, just that you had noticed their child there while you were not home.

It's doing these teenagers a lot of disservice to continually suggest they are not using protection. The OP has stated they use condoms and will be on BC as well when the girl turns 16. They sound more sexually responsible than a lot of adults I know.









She has put a stop to them doing it in her bedroom, so by not telling the parents about their childrens sex lives, I don't see how that can spread disease to her own DD.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
THIS IS JUST A PERSONAL OPINION, I consider them adolescents, but I don't consider them children. I am almost certain the parents in this situation are not abusive, but I know they are very strict. I don't want to be responsible for my daughter's friends losing their social lives and the possible break-up of their relationship. That is my reason for not telling their parents.

My daughter has told me they are using condoms right now, but when the girl turns 16 they plan on getting birth control.

I feel pretty comfortable with the situation now that the rules have changed and I know it won't be happening in my house.

I understand how you feel....but I guess I feel it's not a decision that you have a right to make. KWIM? Condoms break, and they aren't effective against some STDs. Have these kids been tested? These are things I would want to know if I found out my kids were having sex. And I PROBABLY wouldn't approve of them having sex that young either. I wouldn't punish them....but they wouldn't be alone together anymore either. They'd have to hang out together at my house, with me home. I'm not totally against teen sex..... If my dd/ds is really mature for their age I might even feel ok with them having sex younger than I think right now.....but as their parents it's MY CALL. I guess that's what's bugging me about this. You're taking the choice away from their parents...and it's not necessarily your place to do this. Especially if you feel that their parent's aren't abusive. It's not up to you to question their rules or help their children get away with breaking them. It's really hard to get the tone right on a post like this. This is NOT an angry post, just a passionate one. I hope you take it in the context it's intended.

-Heather


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

15/16 year old teens have sex. They have always had sex. This is not new...just in previous generations they got married at 15/16 to have the sex









If you have a child there is a good chance that child will have sex at that age.

There is no way to guarantee your child will not have sex before they are ready(and some are ready at 15/16..ie very responsible, and emotionally able to handle it)

The best you can do is constantly be aware of t his and constantly talk about the ramifications of this. You also need to make sure your children get lots of physical affection from the parents. I think a lot of time children have sex it's more about the need to be held than the sexual urge. This is true for adults as well I guess.

To the OP...I do not allow my 13 year old daughter to be anywhere that a parent isn't present and on the same page as me. If my gut tells me the parents aren't what they say they are then I have the kids here and I supervise.

I have learned from experience that 13+ year old kids need more supervision than younger children. I learned that when my 13 year old dd and her friends got drunk(and they were supervised that night..the parent was just so unsuspecting she didn't notice..someone saw them and called)

It's ok to tighten the rules when they are teens. It's ok to have allowed her to be unattended at home when she is younger but then when she proves herself no longer trustworthy to change that.

What if she bends the one person rule only to a boy. What if she's gay and the one friend is a girlfriend etc. etc. There are lots of things an unsupervised teen can get up to. drinking, smoking.

My daughter can only have one particular friend here while I am away. And I never leave them alone to go out of town. This is a long-term friend with a mother who is also careful with supervision. We spend a lot of time with them making sure they have good fun, that can't get them into serious trouble.

I am really starting to trust my daughter again. She's a good person who made a mistake.

She now has a boyfriend. He visited yesterday. Boyfriend's mom called to make sure they wouldnt' be alone and I was ok with him visiting. I assured her I was on the same page and that he would always be welcomed but they would never be alone.

These two kids have placed you in a very uncomfortable position. I would probably talk to them about this and take the opportunity to make sure they were being safe. I don't know if I would tell the parents. It would all depend on the kids and parents and if there was anything to be gained by doing so.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

I don't agree AT ALL that it is the parent's choice whether teens are "allowed" to have sex. It is their body and they appear to be taking responsibility for protecting themselves. We can watch our teens as closely as we wish but we will never be able to prevent them from having sex if that is what they have chosen to do with their bodies.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PoppyMama* 
I don't agree AT ALL that it is the parent's choice whether teens are "allowed" to have sex. It is their body and they appear to be taking responsibility for protecting themselves. We can watch our teens as closely as we wish but we will never be able to prevent them from having sex if that is what they have chosen to do with their bodies.

What if I had a simlar belief about drinking or drugs? It's ok to have your belief, and parent your kids accordingly.....but it's not ok to impose this belief on someone else.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

How is not telling the other parent's imposing beliefs on anyone. If they believed that strongly then I guess they should have had a better "handle" on their kids. I would not feel at all obligated to tell the parents.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
I understand how you feel....but I guess I feel it's not a decision that you have a right to make.

If I felt they were in danger then I would tell their parents. If they broke my new rules then I would tell their parents. However, they are practicing safe sex and obeying my new rules. These kids have good relationships with their parents. I think if the parents were open to sexual activity then they would already know because the kids would have told them.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
but they wouldn't be alone together anymore either. They'd have to hang out together at my house, with me home. I'm not totally against teen sex..... If my dd/ds is really mature for their age I might even feel ok with them having sex younger than I think right now.....but as their parents it's MY CALL. I guess that's what's bugging me about this. You're taking the choice away from their parents...

-Heather

I guess I see what you are saying. The thing is these are very STRICT parents alread and the kids still found a way to have sex. If you tell these very strict parents what more parenting is there to do?

Do you think they could actually stop them? Do you think you could stop your very determined and in-love teenager from having sex particularly if they had already started? When and if someone feels ready for sex and makes that choice is not up to the parent. All you can do is guide them, keep them from being in positions of vulnerability so that they don't impulsively do something they will regret and hope that when they make that choice it's because they have thought it through and are ready.

If they are already having sex there isn't a lot you can do. Limiting opportunity will only limit opportunity..it will not wipe out the desire or determination to do it.(and I think it might make it stronger)

I pretty much can guarantee you that you can't. You could make sure they only meet at your house, supervise, not allow until the cows come home and they will find a way.

My friend who had super strict, religious, not ever allowed to be alone together type parents had sex in the church her parents attended. During youth group, while doing clean up from an activity and the rest of the youth group were busy doing other things.

I think the parents haven't lost the choice to parent at all. They are parenting how they parent and the kids found a way around it. They may not believe it anyway...the kids will deny, say they were just kissing, that your daughter is lying, that they didn't do it etc. etc. especially if punishment is part of it.

Good luck OP


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## JenBuckyfan (Nov 30, 2007)

Maybe the other parents aren't being given enough credit? Since your daughter is friends with the young lady, maybe she can suggest that she talk to her mom about what's going on? Maybe you can help mediate the conversation if it occurs. It can be important for a teen to have someone else the same-sex to talk to about these types of things.

What if the parents were disappointed but could see that their kid is going to continue this regardless of what additional rules they put on him/her and are respectful that s/he decided to tell them. The parents' insurance probably covers birth control and at least they could start to have a dialogue about it. It seems more important to me to not stop them having sex, but if the parents are good people and have good relationships with their kids, this is something those families should work through together. It would seem like a much greater heartache for the parents to end up with a kid pregnant and have no clue what was happening in a closet here or a friend's room there versus helping them protect themselves.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
I would have already called the other kids parents, at least the girls parents. I'm betting they don't even realize their child is at a house where there is no adult supervision, especially considering the other girls dad is a preacher.

That's rather sexist, isn't it, only contacting the girl's parents.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
That's rather sexist, isn't it, only contacting the girl's parents.

mmmmm didn't catch that...it sounds sexist...is there a reason you would only contact the girl's parents?


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
I understand how you feel....but I guess I feel it's not a decision that you have a right to make. KWIM?

By the same token, it's not a decision that the parents have a right to make, either. Does respecting our kids as human being with rights to determine what to do with their bodies end when it's not about refraining from circing or vaxing or forcing them to eat their peas?


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaLisa1* 
kids are doing all kinds of things that would have been surprising when we were teens. For example, my daughter's one friend and her boyfriend didn't want to have vaginal sex so they could both remain virgins, so they have been having anal sex instead. I was SHOCKED.

This was common when I was in high school nearly 20 years ago; must depend on where you live.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette* 
By the same token, it's not a decision that the parents have a right to make, either. Does respecting our kids as human being with rights to determine what to do with their bodies end when it's not about refraining from circing or vaxing or forcing them to eat their peas?

This is how I feel as well. And personally I don't want to be responsible for anyone elses sexual choices. I will offer my guidance, information, remove the shame from sexual activitiy, show them how to be healthy etc.

and I don't believe that comparing sex and drugs is quite the same.

Sexual activity is a normal human function, drug use isn't. While there are consequences and negative aspects to both they are not really comparable. I would be way more livid about drug use in myhome than kids having sex.

I have sex in my home...it is allowed







but drugs, absolutely not. My children will probably have sex in the future but I hope against all hope they avoid the drug/alcohol trap.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants* 
This was common when I was in high school nearly 20 years ago; must depend on where you live.

I go to the same high school that my kids do. Things must have CHANGED here. This was not common. I think I was in my 20s before I heard about anal sex for the first time. I'm not certain of that, but I don't remember it in high school.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette* 
By the same token, it's not a decision that the parents have a right to make, either. Does respecting our kids as human being with rights to determine what to do with their bodies end when it's not about refraining from circing or vaxing or forcing them to eat their peas?

This is how I feel, but I wasn't able to adequately articulate it into words. Thank you.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants* 
This was common when I was in high school nearly 20 years ago; must depend on where you live.

I think it happens a lot where abstinance is taught. It's just admitted to more now.

I remember reading about a girl whose father would take her to the Dr. for regular "viginity" checks who was having anal/oral any kind of sex she could get away with. They also did a lot of mutual masturbation. She was a very sexual girl but had to "save" herself for marriage according to their parent's religion.

She got married right after her 18th birthday and left him a year later. Her parents disowned her for divorcing.

She has a blog on the web somewhere..very interesting. I should go try to find it. She said it was all about virginty aspect but she and her boyfriend were doing things that her friends who were having intercourse weren't doing.

I think the first thing we as parents need to do in able to be able to parent our children effectively with regards to sex is to get our own attitudes about sex in check. We need to realise that our teen children are sexual beings who may act on that and not get all rightious and outraged when they do.

My 17(almost 18) year old daughter is sexually active. I am her adviser when it comes to anything sexual. That's good isn't it? Shouldn't it be me. Or I could have kept her in the house, denied it was ever happening, and she's be going off to someone else who might give her the wrong advice. I drove her and 2 of her friends to the sexual health clinic. The other 2 girls parents had no idea they were sexually active. I knew. Do you think I should have told on them? They had parents they didn't feel like they could turn to..should I have told on them? What would have been gained by it?

ok toddler calls.
toddlers are easy...she needs some milky


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## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

I find it hilarious that there are parents that actually think they can control their teens' sexuality. My parents were so strict. I had a super early curfew, they called EVERYWHERE I went to confirm that the parents were home, I was not allowed to have friends over without them there, etc. I started having sex in my early teens. When they found out, they got even stricter and "forbid" me to have sex.







: They told the guy's parents too and his parents forbid him as well, but where there is a horny-teenage-will there is a way (or lots of ways). When they called my boyfriend's house to make sure they were home, my boyfriend's older sister pretended to be his mom. They grounded me and forbid me to see him; I snuck out the window at night (or snuck my boyfriend in and had sex in my own bedroom five feet from my parents bedroom). My parents are intelligent and engaged individuals but I liked sex and was bound and determined to have it, so the more they tried to forbid it and prevent it, the more determined it made me.

Short of locking me in a dungeon and outfitting me with a chastity belt, they could not stop me from having sex.

P.S. I always, always used a condom. I never got an STI or got pregnant.


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## aaronsmom (Jan 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
This is how I feel as well. And personally I don't want to be responsible for anyone elses sexual choices. I will offer my guidance, information, remove the shame from sexual activitiy, show them how to be healthy etc.

and I don't believe that comparing sex and drugs is quite the same.

Sexual activity is a normal human function, drug use isn't. While there are consequences and negative aspects to both they are not really comparable. I would be way more livid about drug use in myhome than kids having sex.

I have sex in my home...it is allowed







but drugs, absolutely not. My children will probably have sex in the future but I hope against all hope they avoid the drug/alcohol trap.









:
ITA with this. I never understood why most parents make such a huge deal about teens having sex. It is NORMAL! My mother never "forbade" me from having sex, she just taught me about safe sex. I will never "forbid" my children to have sex, either, as long as they're doing it safely.
About the OP's situation: I definitely wouldn't tell their parents because it is the girl/boy's decision whether or not they want their parents to know.


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## whateverdidiwants (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
I think it happens a lot where abstinance is taught. It's just admitted to more now.

We actually had excellent sex ed, especially compared to the crap that's taught now - it was always the girls from very religious families, usually Catholic, who were the ones having anal sex. And they were the ones who pointed their fingers and called other girls sluts for having vaginal intercourse, because *they* were virgins and we were not. One girl I was very close friends with tried to slut-shame me for having had sex with 2 guys by the time I reached college, while she hadn't had vaginal intercourse yet, but had given oral sex to over 20 guys. Yeah, we weren't friends after that.


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

Thought I would throw in my two cents in support of the OP. It is NOT your responsibility to make sure these kids are not having sex. My goodness I just don't know how anyone can come up with that. Seems like your new house rules will work for your family and I think that is great.
Kids have sex. Parents cannot stop them. It is just a fact. So our job I suppose is to teach them when to do it, how to do it and who to do it with. THEN they actually get to make their own choices and we hope they will be good ones. And I personally hope my DD would come to me if she made a bad one KWIM?? I would never go to a parent with this info until I talked with both the kids. I may suggest they go to thier own parents but would not enforce. Also- 15 and 16 seems legitimate. 13 or 14 would feel a little scarier. So Flame Away!


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## JenBuckyfan (Nov 30, 2007)

Not to hijack the thread... Sex might be natural, but isn't there something to be said about waiting until you're in a long-term committed relationship that is not only physically rewarding but also emotionally rewarding? I see lots of comments here that seem to have an aire of "oh what's a little sex going to hurt anyone, they're kids, lots of kids do it and it's natural... what's the big deal?" I see sex as not only natural but a very emotionally and soulfully connecting experience, you cannot get closer to someone else than through sex. I'm more of the abstinence mind, but I do believe that there's great importance about discussing and teaching what to do to be safe if you should decide to have sex in the teens. My thoughts lean more towards protecting the emotional consequence of having sex so young, especially for girls since we we connect more emotionally to relationships than guys. Sure for some there might not be any emotional issue, but I do feel that sex is something to be treasured between two people and in most cases (not all), teen romances do not turn out to be a whole lot more than lust relationships.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Well not everyone agrees with you. I had two healthy, happy teen relationships that included a healthy sex life.


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## JenBuckyfan (Nov 30, 2007)

I did say 'not all' in that last sentence... and I never said my thought process was the right or only one and that everyone should agree with me.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Well the

Quote:

Sex might be natural, but isn't there something to be said about waiting until you're in a long-term committed relationship that is not only physically rewarding but also emotionally rewarding?
is what I am disagreeing with.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Well not everyone agrees with you. I had two healthy, happy teen relationships that included a healthy sex life.

Of course, many people do.

My own personal pet peeve about the issue is the "especially the girls" and "protect the girls" etc. etc.

When the fact is, as the mother of daughters only I would like someone to simply say we should be teaching our sons to be respectful and careful...we should be teaching the boys how to behave in appropriate ways instead of telling our girls to not dress a certain way because those boys can't control themselves.

and we shouldn't be making our girls feel ashamed because a lot of the current teenage boys aren't respectful of women with regards to sex.

I cannot believe in this day and age that we still put the onus on the girls to be pure and careful etc. I can't believe we still use the terms slut and whore to describe any woman.

I watched Dr. Phil today only because it was about teen sexuality and teen sex and there was one girl there who said something to the guy who was promoting abstinance and purity and went on and on about how it's emotionally damaging to the girl's heart and reputation and she will be called a slut and a whore etc. if she has sex and that it would be detrimental to her self-confidence.

Well this girl said "you are talking on one hand about girls having self-confidence yet on the other hand you are saying that the most important thing about her is her virginity" (and yeah he was promoting abstinance for boys too but he wasn't talking about the boy's reputations or emotional health)

The moment we take the shame out of consensual sex(for adults and teens) then we might be able to deal with this realistically and appropriately.

The moment our boys have the same expectations laid upon them as girls things might change.

The moment we as parents focus on the relationship with our children rather than burdening them with our own preconcieved notions of how they should turn out we will have a huge advantage.

The difference between me and the person who has a 15 year old who has forbid her to have sex is that they likely will both be having sex...I will just likely know about it sooner.

OP..I don't think this girls sex life is any of her parent's business. If she felt is was she wouldn't be sneaking around. If you are reassured they are being safe and responsible then the best you can do is enforce your own house rules and take care of your own daughter.

This incident might be a perfect launch pad for you to have open and honest dialogue about her and her sexual choices.

My almost 14 year old told me yesterday(in front of her boyfriend and his dad) that she plans on waiting until she's at least 18. My job is to help her keep her resolve in that decision.

She may change her mind but I don't want it to be on impulse one night that I left them alone. Her boyfriend said he could wait. His dad was very forward in his response and said "absolutely, there is no reason to hurry, just be kids"


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenBuckyfan* 
Not to hijack the thread... Sex might be natural, but isn't there something to be said about waiting until you're in a long-term committed relationship that is not only physically rewarding but also emotionally rewarding?

yes..there is something to be said about this. There is also something to be said for the opposite.

I have fond memories of completely decadent and wonderful one-night stands with incredible lovers. I was totally responsible and careful and willing to deal with the consequences of such an encounter.

I have absolutely no shame about my sexual past. Which is probably why my sexual present is so incredibly good. And I am in a completely committed, deeply loving monogamous heterosexual relationship.

and not that it matters but I was a virgin until I was 19 and already in a committed relationship for nearly 2 years. So I barely had teenage sex myself.

That would be almost the ideal for most parents of daughters I would bet(second only until waiting until marriage) but that's not always going to be realistic.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

allgirls, does your dd's boyfriend have a brother for my dd?????

I'm so not ready for the dating scene.


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## JenBuckyfan (Nov 30, 2007)

I'm for open discussions with teenage girls about how sex is special and working to empower them to make informed decisions and to respect their body (because boys at that age really don't respect the female body) and have sex when they are truly ready. If they choose to have sex regardless of what they know about STDs, pregnancy, etc, and because they feel they are emotionally ready, then they should at least know the best options to protect themselves I mentioned 'especially the girls' I suppose because I figure that they are emotionally vulnerable and they are the ones that could end up pregnant. I hate to see the stories where young girls get pregnant and their lives are changed forever; a young man's life changes too, but they can go on to live their lives how they choose minus some financial responsibilty (if they choose to not be actively involved). I very much agree with educated young men as well. Personally, I feel it's incredibly important to teach young men that women are to be respected and to discuss the differences between how men and women often view sex, especially during the teen years. In fact, I can think of a great example of how an adult male addressed a group of teens and spent the majority of the time talking directly to the boys about sex coming from a male perspective (emotionally and physically), and the girls learned more than they thought they would. I guess I just want sex to be seen as a special bond connecting two people and not seen as just a casual affair, which it seems like it has so very much become in our society. I just have a more difficult time believing that teen sex is this special type of bond (at least in almost all cases) without an emotional consequence. (I say that out of honest ignorance because I can't identify with teens in this situation as I waited until my senior year of college to have sex with my then boyfriend of 3 years who's now my DH.)


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenBuckyfan* 
I guess I just want sex to be seen as a special bond connecting two people and not seen as just a casual affair, which it seems like it has so very much become in our society. I

Yes and that is fine for you, but not everyone has the same values.


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## JenBuckyfan (Nov 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Yes and that is fine for you, but not everyone has the same values.

I know... I just think that there may be others out there who might be like me and typically don't post their opinions because many of these forums really don't seem all that friendly to those with a view that seems like a minority on a particular topic. Today, I thought I'd post though I've now contributed to this going off the OP's original question (sorry OP!).


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

That's fine. I doubt you are in the minority, however, especially given the majority of responses.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Yes and that is fine for you, but not everyone has the same values.

exactly..and I have extremely high morals/values...but sex doesn't equal bad for me inside or outside of a relationship.

I guess I have never really had "casual" sex. There really wasn't casual anything about it. I was responsible, prepared and completely open to the encounter. I am particularly remembering one encounter that was incredibly fulfilling and really really good with a "friend" that I met up with after not seeing him for years, we suddenly realised there was a physical attraction and it was amazing, only once and very important, special and enjoyable.

Committed relationship sex is kind of an ideal for me but not the only way to have great and responsible sex.

I think teens can be incredibly responsible. With the right environment, with the right support, with the right information they can make good, careful, responsible decisions.

If the stigma attached to sex wasn't there then there wouldn't be the emotional trauma attached to it when teen sex relationships are just sexual relationships and nothing more.

I mean adults can have sex with the wrong person..that's a common mistake in any age group. Why do we expect better/perfect behaviour from our teens than from our adults.

I do not want my daugher's self esteem to be wrapped up in the opinions of others which is what the "reputation" thing is all about.

Also...I really like having sex within a love relationship but I can guarantee that if I weren't in a love relationship I'd still be having some sex somewhere.

Irishmommy..he's an only child..he might have cousins


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenBuckyfan* 
I know... I just think that there may be others out there who might be like me and typically don't post their opinions because many of these forums really don't seem all that friendly to those with a view that seems like a minority on a particular topic. Today, I thought I'd post though I've now contributed to this going off the OP's original question (sorry OP!).

I actually think your opinion is likely the majority opinion.


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## sdm1024 (Sep 4, 2006)

I'll be honest and say that I don't know if you have a legal responsibility, but in today's legal culture who knows!!

I don't know if I'd call the other kids (meaning both the boy and the girl!) to tell their parents that they are having sex in your house. But, it is your house, and IMO calling and letting the parents know that they've been hanging around your house when you're not there isn't cool, and that you have a no guest policy for your daughter is a great idea.

I empathize that you feel that you're in a sticky situation. I wouldn't like my daughter friends having sex in my house


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 

I honestly don't want to get them in trouble. It would make life difficult on them because their parents are VERY strict.

I just don't know that it's your call. Just because their parents are strict doesn't mean they are wrong and you should help their children break the rules. KWIM??

Also, I'm sorry if this has been said I only made it to page two and my kids are chomping at the bit to go outside, but, are you sure it's not your daughter who's having sex in her room while you're gone? I know a lot of my friends used to tell their parents "no, it wasn't me having sex it was jenny" or "it's not my birth control, I'm holding it for a friend". I had a great relationship with my parents but I still lied to them on occasion. Something to think about if you're considering talking to the other kids' parents. Sit down with DD and let her know you're going to talk to their parents and make sure it's actually them using your home as a hotel.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *whateverdidiwants* 
This was common when I was in high school nearly 20 years ago; must depend on where you live.

well, I'm out of school almost 25 years, and the kids I knew really didn't even do much in the way or oral sex back then, much less anal...that was like totally forbidden and nasty in everyone's opinion. I don't even think anyone would have considered it...at least not in the circles I traveled in. I was sexually active (did it a few times) at 16, then I decided to not be until after I graduated from high school, but even oral wasn't something people much talked about. It wasn't until I was 19, that I had a guy shove my head in his crotch, expecting something. I had no clue what to do, or why he was really even doing that, LOL! Needless to say, I didn't do what he wanted...forcing me doesn't go over well!
I know my daughter who is turning 16 has already tried to do oral for her boyfriend, but said she wasn't too thrilled with the idea. I'm sure it will happen again....but I'd rather have her do that than having intercourse.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
I drove her and 2 of her friends to the sexual health clinic. The other 2 girls parents had no idea they were sexually active. I knew. Do you think I should have told on them? They had parents they didn't feel like they could turn to..should I have told on them? What would have been gained by it?


I think that there is definitely a place for moms like you....most/many girls don't feel comfortable going to their parents about sexual things, so it's nice if there IS a mom who can be there to help them. I think that at a certain point, we as women, need to be responsible for our own bodies, and even though our parents would certainly prefer we not be sexually active too young, it's really each individual person's choice to make. I would rather have my kids be protected if they feel they want to be active.
I think I may find myself being the same mom you are. If I knew my daughter's friends were active, I'd let them know that I'm there for them if they need me to be. I'd rather not see anyone become pregnant at this point in their young lives....one of my friends did, and her life took a totally different turn than mine did. Whether she has any regrets, I don't know...but I know I loved my life in my early 20's and am glad I got to have the experiences I did without having the responsibility of raising a child yet.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovingmommyhood* 
I just don't know that it's your call. Just because their parents are strict doesn't mean they are wrong and you should help their children break the rules. KWIM??

I don't think anyone's saying she should allow it to continue in her home and facilitate the breaking of the rules. I think people are saying she shouldn't out them to the parents in order to prevent any harsh retribution against them.


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## MamaLisa1 (Mar 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shonahsmom* 
where there is a horny-teenage-will there is a way (or lots of ways).

Short of locking me in a dungeon and outfitting me with a chastity belt, they could not stop me from having sex.


That sounds like how I felt at certain points, mostly at around 18...I would have had sex anywhere I could, even with the risk of getting caught. I was VERY sexual. I wonder what happened to that???? LOL!


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenBuckyfan* 
(because boys at that age really don't respect the female body)

I have to disagree with this commonly held and harmful belief about boys. Boys are so capable of respect and so capable of kindness and sweetness and respect. They do respect.

Girls in middle school can be much more aggressive than the boys; often initiating physical contact that could pressure a boy. I know of one boy who welcomed the attention while another boy was very put off by it. Not all boys (or girls) are the same. The idea that girls are saints and boys sinners is a common societal meme that I think is damaging to both girls and boys.

What I think holds true, is that the consequences of pregnancy are very, very different for a girl than a boy. This does leave a girl more vulnerable in an unprotected sex situation. But in a protected sex situation, both girls _and boys_ are very vulnerable to the consequences of a close relationship. All relationships create a certain amount of vulnerability. Demonizing boys needs to stop.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Susie1* 
Boys are so capable of respect and so capable of kindness and sweetness and respect.

I absolutely agree with this statement however there is a very strong double standard. If a girl is coming on strong she gets called a name, a boy doing the very same thing is just being a boy.

I think there are lots of very respectful boys. BUT that doesn't change the perception out there that girls should behave one way and boys the other.

In fact what you are saying about about the aggressive girls initiating contact that could pressure a boy..that's true, though the opposite is much more common. What is wrong with a girl being aggressive anymore than if a boy is. What is wrong with a girl having a strong sexual drive?

I certainly don't demonize boys..they are a product of a culture that views what behaviour is ok for boys and girls very different. They are a victim of it as well. I see how boys can be.


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *allgirls* 
In fact what you are saying about about the aggressive girls initiating contact that could pressure a boy..that's true, though the opposite is much more common. What is wrong with a girl being aggressive anymore than if a boy is. What is wrong with a girl having a strong sexual drive?

I did not say that there was anything "wrong" with a sexually aggressive girl. However, in middle school, it is not common for the boys to be the aggressors. While they may be more aggressive in other ways that society/culture supports and promotes, they are behind the girls sexually. I wonder why nature did that?

True about double standards -- they work against both the boys and the girls. When girls are sexually aggressive, it is tolerated -- it may be more socially acceptable nowadays than it was when we were younger, hence the name calling to which you were referring. However, if a boy is sexually aggressive, he is now considered a predator. Scary and unfair. Of course, the only way to get around these horrible double standards is to have open conversations about sexuality and stop pretending that boys and girls are asexual until "we adults" think that they are ready. People are ready to express themselves sexually in a variety of ways at different ages and stages of their lives. Open dialogue about sexuality and respect is necessary from the beginning of raising kids. Humans have a lot of weird hang-ups.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Susie1* 
the only way to get around these horrible double standards is to have open conversations about sexuality and stop pretending that boys and girls are asexual until "we adults" think that they are ready. People are ready to express themselves sexually in a variety of ways at different ages and stages of their lives. Open dialogue about sexuality and respect is necessary from the beginning of raising kids. Humans have a lot of weird hang-ups.

absolutely!


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## kathywiehl (Dec 9, 2003)

I didn't read all the replies, but I can promise you that if I were the parent of either of these teens, I'd really appreciate a call from you telling me what was going on. I'd be furious to know that dd's friends parents knew she was having sex and didn't tell me. I feel it's my responsibility to keep her safe from teen pregnancy, stds and all the other heartache and drama that goes along with having premarital and/or teen sex and if I don't know then there is no way for me to step in and make it stop or at least make it less convenient.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathywiehl* 
I didn't read all the replies, but I can promise you that if I were the parent of either of these teens, I'd really appreciate a call from you telling me what was going on. I'd be furious to know that dd's friends parents knew she was having sex and didn't tell me. I feel it's my responsibility to keep her safe from teen pregnancy, stds and all the other heartache and drama that goes along with having premarital and/or teen sex and if I don't know then there is no way for me to step in and make it stop or at least make it less convenient.

_________________








I agree


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathywiehl* 
I didn't read all the replies, but I can promise you that if I were the parent of either of these teens, I'd really appreciate a call from you telling me what was going on.


I decided to make rules where they can not have sex in my house, but I will not be turning them in unless they decide to break those rules.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
I'm having a hard time understanding the logic in some post. A CHILD is doing something that may be harmful to him/her, BUT we're not telling the parents just on the off chance that the parent MAY be abusive? I hope you're willing to take responsibility if a pregnancy or std occurs.

________________________________________


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

If you worry so much that other parents may not police your kids in the manner to which you prefer you should probably keep them at home.


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## kathywiehl (Dec 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PoppyMama* 
If you worry so much that other parents may not police your kids in the manner to which you prefer you should probably keep them at home.


Okay, now that makes no sense at all. I don't think it's unreasonable that when my dd is at a friend's house, it should be expected that she should a)be supervised and b) I would be told if she engages in any self destructive behavior.

I'm glad I realize that I need to be extra vigilant about this sort of thing and I've gone so far as to ask the parents if they will be home the entire time my dd is there, and if the teens will have access to boys, drugs, alcohol, etc during my dd's visit with them. Some parents actually assume that their kids won't be allowed to have sex while in another person's home. Silly me for thinking that should be the norm. I guess I need to send a mass email now to all my dd's friend's parents asking them to please call me if my dd engages in any destructive behavior while at their home.

Its disturbing to think that other parents just don't care enough about my child's safety and/or well being enough to clue me in if she's doing something potentially harmful to herself and/or others.

This board really amazes me sometimes. I read posts here about people feeling badly about kids who are spanked or formula fed or circumsized and have no problem telling people that their choices for their children are wrong in an effort to save these children from having to suffer from the terrible choices their parents are making.

Then, I read that if my child is having sex I shouldn't or wouldn't be told about it. So you all care if she's formula fed or spanked as a child, but not if she gets an std? Doesn't make much sense to me.

I realize that I'm just talking about a general attitude here and no one specific poster, but do you realize that if you know my child is having sex and you tell me you could be saving her from years and years of struggle and heartache? How can that be bad?

As for the argument that the parent could be abusive? How abusive do you think that parent will be when the kid turns up pregnant?


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Except for consensual teenage sex is not self destructive or harmful.


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## kathywiehl (Dec 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Except for consensual teenage sex is not self destructive or harmful.


I disagree 100%.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Good for you.

Even if one thinks it is destructive behaviour, I also believe that teenagers have the right to privacy and personal autonomy.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathywiehl* 
I feel it's my responsibility to keep her safe from teen pregnancy, stds and all the other heartache and drama that goes along with having premarital and/or teen sex and if I don't know then there is no way for me to step in and make it stop or at least make it less convenient.

I must say that I never experienced any heartache or drama from premarital sex, so I don't make the assumption that it necessarily goes along with it.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathywiehl* 
As for the argument that the parent could be abusive? How abusive do you think that parent will be when the kid turns up pregnant?

Teen sex does not equal pregnancy. If the girl does get pregnant, her parents won't know if she has an abortion, and if she continues the pregnancy, she can be emancipated.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Teen sex does not equal pregnancy. If the girl does get pregnant, her parents won't know if she has an abortion, and if she continues the pregnancy, she can be emancipated.

that depends on the state....here you have to prove you can support yourself to be emancipated.....but being pregnant makes you MEDICALLY emancipated.....meaning you can make medical decisions for yourself....but that's it. You still can't drive after dark or with your own child in the car.


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Maybe I don't have the right to post, since my dd is only 7yo. I've tried so far to talk to my dd about age appropriate topics, and I hope to keep that going. That said she has her small secrets. A few times when she and I are talking she has said she isn't comfortable telling me something, and I honor that. She has experienced some loss in the past year and is seeing a counselor at school once a week. She told me that she wasn't comfortable talking about everything they talk about. Later the counselor called to chat, and I told her that I didn't want her to share any details of their conversations unless the counselor thought it was important for me to know.

Later when dd is older she may be sexually active. I hope we have had plenty of conversations about sex before then, and that she was listening to all the information. She may choose not to tell me she is sexually active. While I would be hurt because I hope she can share this with me, it's not really my business.

I personally wouldn't want another parent to call me to tell me my child is sexually active. That's my dd's choice for me to know that information.

I love my dd, I hope she makes the best choices for her own life. I will try to give her facts, and an open relationship where she can share with me what she wants to. But in the end that is her choice.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kathywiehl* 
Okay, now that makes no sense at all. I don't think it's unreasonable that when my dd is at a friend's house, it should be expected that she should a)be supervised and b) I would be told if she engages in any self destructive behavior.

I'm glad I realize that I need to be extra vigilant about this sort of thing and I've gone so far as to ask the parents if they will be home the entire time my dd is there, and if the teens will have access to boys, drugs, alcohol, etc during my dd's visit with them. Some parents actually assume that their kids won't be allowed to have sex while in another person's home. Silly me for thinking that should be the norm. I guess I need to send a mass email now to all my dd's friend's parents asking them to please call me if my dd engages in any destructive behavior while at their home.

Its disturbing to think that other parents just don't care enough about my child's safety and/or well being enough to clue me in if she's doing something potentially harmful to herself and/or others.

This board really amazes me sometimes. I read posts here about people feeling badly about kids who are spanked or formula fed or circumsized and have no problem telling people that their choices for their children are wrong in an effort to save these children from having to suffer from the terrible choices their parents are making.

Then, I read that if my child is having sex I shouldn't or wouldn't be told about it. So you all care if she's formula fed or spanked as a child, but not if she gets an std? Doesn't make much sense to me.

I realize that I'm just talking about a general attitude here and no one specific poster, but do you realize that if you know my child is having sex and you tell me you could be saving her from years and years of struggle and heartache? How can that be bad?

As for the argument that the parent could be abusive? How abusive do you think that parent will be when the kid turns up pregnant?

_____________________________

Well put !! You took the words right out of my mouth !!!


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## kathywiehl (Dec 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Decluttering Nut* 
_____________________________

Well put !! You took the words right out of my mouth !!!









Thanks!


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Small children have no control or say over their health and safety, hopefully by the time our children are teenagers we have taught them well enough to make smart good decisions.

When they are babies we have to protect them. When they are teenagers we have to have faith in them. And they will make mistakes no doubt about it.

I think it is absolutely ridiculous to think that you can control what they are doing outside of your sight.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

If my sons (or daughter) were participating in sexual activity in someone elses home I would want to know. I have the right to be able to discuss the choice that they are making with them. I am really not comfortable with other parents making choices for me and mine.

I agree that I cannot control my children when they are out of my sight, but I can instill morals/values in them that I wish for them to uphold. If they choose not to then it is my right/choice/obligation to counsel them in their choices.

And it really bothers me that because I have certain values it is assumed that if my children go against the values I will abuse them.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marcee* 
If my sons (or daughter) were participating in sexual activity in someone elses home I would want to know. I have the right to be able to discuss the choice that they are making with them. I am really not comfortable with other parents making choices for me and mine.

These kids both know what their parents think. Both sets of parents have discussed sex with their kids. They don't need to know their kids are actually having sex in order to have a conversation. The parents preach abstinence until marriage. Anything else is unacceptable to them.

I have not made any choices for these parents. I am simply not going to call them and get the teens in trouble/grounded/forced breakup/etc... Both the girl and boy have assured me it would not happen in my house again. I feel that my obligation in this matter has been fulfilled.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marcee* 
If my sons (or daughter) were participating in sexual activity in someone elses home I would want to know. I have the right to be able to discuss the choice that they are making with them. I am really not comfortable with other parents making choices for me and mine.

I agree that I cannot control my children when they are out of my sight, but I can instill morals/values in them that I wish for them to uphold. If they choose not to then it is my right/choice/obligation to counsel them in their choices.

And it really bothers me that because I have certain values it is assumed that if my children go against the values I will abuse them.

__________________________








:


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
I feel that my obligation in this matter has been fulfilled.









I agree


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## kimiij (Jun 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovingmommyhood* 
I just don't know that it's your call. Just because their parents are strict doesn't mean they are wrong and you should help their children break the rules. KWIM??

I agree- would you want someone interferring with the raising and disciplining of your children? Whether or not it is OK to have sex should be up to the parents- not you.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
These kids both know what their parents think. Both sets of parents have discussed sex with their kids. They don't need to know their kids are actually having sex in order to have a conversation. The parents preach abstinence until marriage. Anything else is unacceptable to them.

I have not made any choices for these parents. I am simply not going to call them and get the teens in trouble/grounded/forced breakup/etc... Both the girl and boy have assured me it would not happen in my house again. I feel that my obligation in this matter has been fulfilled.









Well I "preach" abstinence too. I waited till marriage and so did my husband. If my children choose differently I want to be able to counsel them in their choices.

I would want the choice to ground them or force a break up to be left up to me (which I doubt I would do). I don't feel that other parents need to protect me children from me. Most parents do have their children's best interests at hearts.

I am not arguing your choice as it works for you. But I also believe that if they are lying to their parents and sneaking around to have sex then they could very well lie to you as well.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Well I don't agree. I will not breach other people's privacy. It is not my fault that your kids feel they cannot come to you and open up about these matters.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kimiij* 
I agree- would you want someone interferring with the raising and disciplining of your children? Whether or not it is OK to have sex should be up to the parents- not you.

I think whether or not it's OK to have sex is up to the people having the sex.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Well I don't agree. I will not breach other people's privacy. It is not my fault that your kids feel they cannot come to you and open up about these matters.

I would hope that my children will never feel that they have to sneak around. My mom was quite strict and I did not feel the need to do so. We had a very good relationship and still do. She instilled the values that I carry now. My sister made different choices and guess what even my bible thumping mom still loves her and supports her and continues to counsel her to make good/healthy choices.

Again most parents given a chance, will attempt to adapt their parenting to benefit the child.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I don't get what your post has to do with what I said.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

Just because a child feels that they cant come to their parent, does not mean that they should not. Sure the parents may be dissapointed by their childs choice but they will more than likely adapt and work with the situation. A broken rule does not equal banishment even if some kids assume that it will. But parents need to be given the option to parent thier own children.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Parents foster the kind of relationship they have with their children and if their children are open with them, regardless if they don't believe in premarital sex. I have friends who had premarital sex, and were open about it with their parents even though they disapproved.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

case in point my teenagers know that I dont approve of them haveing sex at such a young age, but have never made an attempt to hide it from me.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
Parents foster the kind of relationship they have with their children and if their children are open with them, regardless if they don't believe in premarital sex. I have friends who had premarital sex, and were open about it with their parents even though they disapproved.


I agree with this.

I also had friends who engaged in premarital sex and discussed it with their disapproving parents.

I have an open relationship with my daughter. Before my daughter started having sex she came and we talked. Granted I am not opposed to consensual teen sex, but I still had to work as a parent to foster a relationship where my daughter felt comfortable coming to me.

I have told both sets of kids they should consider talking to their parents, but I am not pressing the issue. It is their sex life and their choice whether or not to discuss it with their parents.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I would encourage the kids to talk to their parents, but if they don't, that is their decision, and I am sure they have their reasons.


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## saimeiyu (Aug 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa* 
I would encourage the kids to talk to their parents, but if they don't, that is their decision, and I am sure they have their reasons.

See, here's the thing, though... Most kids with strict parents who "preach" abstinence don't even CONSIDER talking to their parents about having sex. They just automatically assume it will get them beaten, grounded, kicked out, etc. They don't actually think about it rationally.

The truth is, if I had decided to be sexually active as a teenager, I would NOT have told my parents; They're very devout Catholics and were 100% disapproving of having sex before marriage. I thought that they'd kill me or do something horrible, but... they wouldn't have.

It's largely an irrational fear on the part of most secretive teens.

I found out years after I moved out that my parents would have been disappointed, and would have told me so, but my mom would have taught me NFP (sooner than she did), and did everything in her power to ensure that I knew everything I needed to know to be able to have a _respectful_ and fulfilling relationship. And while my mom did teach me about some stuff regarding sex/having sex, etc, I learned a lot more from her later, when I got engaged.
I didn't have to be afraid as a teenager, but I THOUGHT I did. I would wager to say the same is true of most "preachy" parents.

If I was inclined to go have sex any way I could as a teen, I hope someone would have been smart enough to tell my mom for me. I wouldn't have been smart enough.

So I guess I would say, I think you should reconsider talking with the parents about what's going on, but I'd talk to the teenagers first.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Even if that were the case, which has not been my experience (my friends with good relationships with their parents told them they were having sex even if they didn't approve), I will not tell the parents. I believe teenagers are entitled to their privacy.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *saimeiyu* 
See, here's the thing, though... Most kids with strict parents who "preach" abstinence don't even CONSIDER talking to their parents about having sex. They just automatically assume it will get them beaten, grounded, kicked out, etc. They don't actually think about it rationally.

The truth is, if I had decided to be sexually active as a teenager, I would NOT have told my parents; They're very devout Catholics and were 100% disapproving of having sex before marriage. I thought that they'd kill me or do something horrible, but... they wouldn't have.

It's largely an irrational fear on the part of most secretive teens.

I found out years after I moved out that my parents would have been disappointed, and would have told me so, but my mom would have taught me NFP (sooner than she did), and did everything in her power to ensure that I knew everything I needed to know to be able to have a _respectful_ and fulfilling relationship. And while my mom did teach me about some stuff regarding sex/having sex, etc, I learned a lot more from her later, when I got engaged.
I didn't have to be afraid as a teenager, but I THOUGHT I did. I would wager to say the same is true of most "preachy" parents.

*If I was inclined to go have sex any way I could as a teen, I hope someone would have been smart enough to tell my mom for me. I wouldn't have been smart enough.*

So I guess I would say, I think you should reconsider talking with the parents about what's going on, but I'd talk to the teenagers first.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
I hear ya! My daughter has told me the names of THREE girls who said they were holding on to their virginity by having anal sex!!! I was like, "WHAT?! HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!" She told me the girls were talking during lunch in the cafeteria about how they managed to, "Have the fun, but hold on to whats important." I think if someone were talking about that during lunch it would probably ruin my appetite.

Oral sex is much more rampant. I won't get into those stories, but some of them are absolutely crazy.

i haven't read the whole thread, and i don't have a teen myself. but i will say that the fact that teens are (apparently) rampantly having anal sex in an attempt to preserve "what's important" tells me we HAVE to stop emphasizing virginity and start empowering teens to make _real_ decisions.

choosing virginity because the culture has been shouting that word at you from the time you could talk--well, that's no choice at all. especially when it comes at a cost like this. having anal sex to preserve your virginity is missing the forest for the trees, to say the least









not that i think there's anything wrong with anal sex. i actually don't. but we have to stop fetishizing this ridiculous virginity/purity concept.

and i can't believe people really believe the OP should rat out these kids for having sex. i had a boyfriend as a teen, and his mom wanted to rat me out to my dad for having sex...the only way she said she'd keep the secret was if i went on the pill. so i had to go on the pill, which i didn't want to be on (we were being safe with condoms, TYVM), just to shut her up.

everyone, even a teen, should get to decide for themselves whether to take BC or not--just like they should get to decide whether to have sex in the first place. teens are people. i hated being treated like that, like i was being "irresponsible" just for being a sexual person when i was 17 years old.

i'm rambling, but anyway, i agree the OP can set house rules and all that, but there is no reason to rat out these kids. i can't imagine telling on someone for having sex, like sex is something horrible


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

i'm also confused as to why every third post seems to be about these kids being at major risk of disease, and their parents needing to know it. they're using condoms, they're having sex.

i'm using condoms, i'm having sex. would someone like to call my mom and tell her i'm at risk of contracting an STI? because i actually am (everyone who is having sex is at some potential risk of STI, because partner could always be cheating).

but somehow, because i'm a 28 year old mama, no one is concerned about my perilous risk of disease. but these kids, it seems no one trusts them. why?

i managed to have sex from age 15 until now, with over 10 partners, and never get an STI once, or ever have an unplanned pregnancy. it's not impossible.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kimiij* 
I agree- would you want someone interferring with the raising and disciplining of your children? Whether or not it is OK to have sex should be up to the parents- not you.

____________________________


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 
i'm also confused as to why every third post seems to be about these kids being at major risk of disease, and their parents needing to know it. they're using condoms, they're having sex.

i'm using condoms, i'm having sex. would someone like to call my mom and tell her i'm at risk of contracting an STI? because i actually am (everyone who is having sex is at some potential risk of STI, because partner could always be cheating).

but somehow, because i'm a 28 year old mama, no one is concerned about my perilous risk of disease. but these kids, it seems no one trusts them. why?

i managed to have sex from age 15 until now, with over 10 partners, and never get an STI once, or ever have an unplanned pregnancy. it's not impossible.

My guess is that is is about control and denying that kids grow up - after all, MY little baby would never grow up and have sex, that would make me feel less of a MOTHER!! If I can stop her from doing that, I am still the all powerful MAMA!! Funny how we never see posts about OMG my son is having sex, how awful, he is "acting out" etc. I really hate this crap.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 
i'm also confused as to why every third post seems to be about these kids being at major risk of disease, and their parents needing to know it. they're using condoms, they're having sex.

i'm using condoms, i'm having sex. would someone like to call my mom and tell her i'm at risk of contracting an STI? because i actually am (everyone who is having sex is at some potential risk of STI, because partner could always be cheating).

but somehow, because i'm a 28 year old mama, no one is concerned about my perilous risk of disease. but these kids, it seems no one trusts them. why?

i managed to have sex from age 15 until now, with over 10 partners, and never get an STI once, or ever have an unplanned pregnancy. it's not impossible.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
My guess is that is is about control and denying that kids grow up - after all, MY little baby would never grow up and have sex, that would make me feel less of a MOTHER!! If I can stop her from doing that, I am still the all powerful MAMA!! Funny how we never see posts about OMG my son is having sex, how awful, he is "acting out" etc. I really hate this crap.

For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future. They can give you the expected answers, but most of them really don't understand. This is what makes me see them as children still. And as children they still need guidance from their parents to help keep them safe.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future.

okay, i just find this so insulting. i refuse to believe that some MRIs or whatever can prove that no teen anywhere can make up their own mind about what to do with their genitals.

i chose to start having sex at 15. he was 16. we were in a relationship for 2 years before that. i have never, ever regretted that decision. ever. i don't think i was too young. i wasn't coerced. i wasn't pressured. i learned a lot about myself and really feel that that relationship contributed to my overall maturity a lot. we stayed together for 2 more years. and we used condoms _every time._ because i truly understood i did not want to get pregnant or get a disease (which i wouldn't have because we were mongamous, but i digress....), and i truly understood how to prevent that.

i'm not saying every 15 year old is ready for sex, but i was. we were. and i highly highly resent the implication that because of my brain development, that can't have been true







:

there are lots of teenagers who can think and make good decisions...if you let them.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future. They can give you the expected answers, but most of them really don't understand. This is what makes me see them as children still. And as children they still need guidance from their parents to help keep them safe.

+________________________________

I agree.


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## helen_emily (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future.

Sure, SOME people don't have those reasoning skills when they're teenagers. Quite a few "adults" I know, all ages, don't really have them either! They get stuck in horrible relationships, they max out their credit card and can't pay it off, they still have sex that they don't really feel like, just to be accepted, keep the peace, be close to someone.

Out of the 15 and 16 year olds I know personally that are having sex, almost all of them are doing it safely and most of them also for the "right" reasons. Obviously I'm just lucky but I do think it has quite a lot to do with the more "permissive" parenting they're received - nearly all of them talk fairly openly to their parents about any worries or questions they have.

To be honest, I would say they are far less messed-up about sex than my group of friends is now!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 
and i highly highly resent the implication that because of my brain development, that can't have been true







:

Thankyou! My story was the same as yours except that I was 16.5 at the time. I researched everything regarding contraceptives and STDs and pregnancy and was able to advise my friends when the time came for them.

I'm happy that the OP's daughter obviously has a mum who can be a source of guidance for her, too.


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 
okay, i just find this so insulting. i refuse to believe that some MRIs or whatever can prove that no teen anywhere can make up their own mind about what to do with their genitals.

I'm on the fence between both of these points of view. I can see both of your points.

I think having teenagers still in our home is a blessing. This is a time for them to make choices and decisions that may effect the rest of their lives, while still in a semi protective shell of our homes. It's like living adult-lite.







It's a time in our life where teens can make mistakes, and still have us there to figure out where they went wrong, or didn't make the best choices. But sex as a teen, isn't always a mistake.

We should be teaching them skills while they grow, having conversations about drugs and sex before they know what were talking about. Asking them what they think, asking them what choices they think are right for them, then talking some more about the consequences of those choices. Last night my dd (7yo) asked me a question that led to us having a conversation about sex. The first one where more details were revealed, we didn't talk about body parts, but being naked came up.

I firmly believe that once our teens are making the choice to have sex, that's their choice, and their business. If they want to talk to us (the parents) about it, then they should come to us. Or the parents should still be bringing it up in conversation, and valuing their teens choice about what to do with their own body.

The fact that somewhere in this thread grounding the teens got brought up (forgive me for not knowing where, I've actually read the whole thread, and I'm not going back to search for it) totally screwed with my head. I thought about that for days. Why would you ground a teen for making a choice. Is it because we as the adults think we know what is right and wrong? That we don't believe that our teens can make these choices for their bodies? If that is true then we should talk to them more. Give them more confidence that they CAN talk to us without us freaking out on them. Give them a safe place to talk. Without judgement. Without telling them they did something wrong. Without punishment.

If our teens don't feel comfortable talking to us about having sex then we have to look at our parenting. We can't blame somebody else who finds out, and doesn't tell us. This is a conversation between teens and parents.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future. They can give you the expected answers, but most of them really don't understand.

Seriously? The high school kids I know are working night and day to get into good colleges. You don't think they understand that what they do affects their futures?


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## janellesmommy (Jun 6, 2004)

As long as the parents aren't abusive, they have a right to know. It's not your right to decide that losing priviledges is too harsh a consequence.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *janellesmommy* 
As long as the parents aren't abusive, they have a right to know. It's not your right to decide that losing priviledges is too harsh a consequence.

I've been lurking a bit... right to know what? If kids were having sex in my house I would tell them to stop, and if they did not I would probably tell the other parents.

But I don't think parents have a right to know kids are having sex period... do you? My thing would be I don't want to be providing a place for kids to have sex without the other parents' consent. But if they find their own place, I think it is none of the parents' business unless the kids choose to make it their business.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I would stop it from happening in my house. I would call the parents, and tell them my dd is not allowed to have friends (or male friends, whatever rule you choose) over when I am not home. I may say that their child was there with the Johnson boy and you don't like kids of the opposite sex there while unsupervised. I would NOT say they were having sex. Who knows if the kids will get beat, severely punished, etc. But saying there was a boy their would plant the seed that sex was possible. It may lead the parent to talk to their kid about sex or simply keep them away from your house while unsupervised. I feel you would have done your responsibility. The other parents wouldn't be in the dark, but the teens privacy would be kept.

I would tell my dd that Mr. Jones and Mrs. Smith (neighbors) are keeping an eye on the house and will let me know if they see anyone going in or out. My dad did that, and it kept me from getting into trouble. I have no idea if he did have the neighbors watching or not. It may be a good idea to actually have someone keeping an eye out for who enters your home. And naturally, now is the time to have some open communication about sex. (with whatever your beliefs of teen sex are) Your dd may also be having sex, or may soon be interested.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
Seriously? The high school kids I know are working night and day to get into good colleges. You don't think they understand that what they do affects their futures?

not their far distant future, not a true understanding, NO


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## fhqwhgads (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
not their far distant future, not a true understanding, NO

And being 18+ suddenly changes that? I don't know many adults who can accurately foresee the effects a choice made today will have on their far distant future. Being an adult does not make you all knowing.

Perhaps if we stop treating teenagers like idiots who can't see past their nose, they'll take more responsibility for their actions when they do become adults.


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

I have to wonder what a "strict" parent is to the typical MDCer. I have a feeling my view point on it will be different. Strict or not, I'd want to know so I could make sure my kid was using protection and had someone to go to if needed.

I'd be furious if I found out you only went half way, stopped what was going on, but failed to tell me.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *janellesmommy* 
As long as the parents aren't abusive, they have a right to know. It's not your right to decide that losing priviledges is too harsh a consequence.

You have no way of knowing how other people talk to their kids. My father once called me a trashy whore for coming in late (I hadn't had sex at that point in my life). You have no idea what you could be setting those kids up for. I doubt that any one who knew my family when I was growing up had any idea what complete hell I was living in.

Yeah, I got that black eye playing baseball.









If parents haven't built an open, honest, accepting relationship with their teens, they don't have a right to know anything.

Remember, the parents are the ones who drove the relationship in the first place. What the teens believe about their parents is based on what the parents have said and done their entire lives.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
not their far distant future, not a true understanding, NO

The point of getting into a good college is to have the best options after college, so a 16 year old trying to get into college is planning 6+ years ahead. The seem to understand that it will effect the rest of their lives.

Many adults seem to lack the understanding of how their sexual decisions will affect their futures. I'm in my 40's and can't believe the number of couples we know who've either divorced because of an affair, or tried to rebuild their marriages after an affair. Often humans make decision about sex without thinking it the whole way through because sometimes when our sex drive kicks in it is hard to think straight.

Open, honest communication would seem to be the key to helping our kids make the best choices possible, but their doesn't seem to me to be an age when the sex drive calms down so much that all of us are fully capable of thinking straight when it kicks in.


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