# MY anger issues



## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

I need some btdt or something to help me with this.....

I have a quick temper. I have my whole life. I can be very patient and under control for a very long time but once I get to the anger stage it happens quick and without warning. I am really feeling bad about this. I have one dd (22 months) and would like to have another but feel my anger is stretched to the limit now and that I am already not able to GD sometimes.

History......

Dd has been subjected to my anger on a somewhat regular basis from birth. I knew imediately after she was born that I had a problem. I have been working on it ever since. I have been using 3 books as my personal self-help guides. "Becoming the Parent You Want to be", "How to Talk to kids.....", and the Sears "Discipline Book" in that order. Every time we have a bad few days I reread them or pertinent chapters to remember why she acts the way she does and how I should be reacting.

Dd is spirited and was a high needs baby. She is just now starting to sleep well enough that I get enough. I spent nearly an entire year in a sleep deprived, ppd state that made it very hard for me to be happy, let alone a good mother. While I have never physically harmed dd I am ashamed to say I have yelled at her and have called her names. The name calling is in the past. I have gotten enough of a handle on it to no longer do it. It has happened maybe once in the last 6 months. The yelling has also significantly decreased. Most of the worst cases were in the middle of the night when she was between 6 and 12 months and would not sleep. Dh travels a great deal and I was alone and very very sleep deprived. I could not take it and lost my cool on several occasions. It happened at least once every time dh went out of town. Since 12 months dd has of course grown into a toddler and along with that has found ways to push my buttons unintentionally. At the 18 month mark, my anger was becoming a problem during the day and I found myself yelling, dd crying, me putting her on the couch so I could regain my cool, and dd resenting me. That is when I got the books and things have changed for the better.

BUT....it still happens and I am not sure what more to do. I am hoping that I am on a path where this will continue to occur less and less often until I am "cured" but I am not sure it works that way. We have had a great two weeks where I have been in control at all times and practicing GD with no problem. Then last night things started to fall apart. As I was putting dd down to bed last night she was resisting. she was laying down but kept fiddling around and talking instead of closing her eyes and attempting to sleep. On a very good night it takes 45 minutes to get her down. After 75 minutes I was getting angry. It was dh's and my anniversary last night and I wanted her to go to sleep so we could celebrate and she just was not cooperating. I finally got angry and out of nowhere I just leaned over to her and hissed "GO TO SLEEP" quite nastily. She did close her eyes and imediately fell asleep. I felt awful. She slept very poorly last night and as a result I am quite tired today. I woke up in a fog. Even last night when she woke I found myself saying sternly "GO TO SLEEP" which seems to work. It was not nasty like at bedtime but certainly not the reaction I would want to get if I were dd and woke because I was scared or uncomfy. So this morning things were going OK. I was tired but handling everything OK. Then she accidently spilled about 4 cups of O's down the heat return. I knew it was a accident. She was being careless and I had reminded her to be careful with them, but she is not even 2 so I know these things happen. I lost it. I yelled at her to go into the living room and stay away from the mess until I could get it cleaned up. She was startled at my overreaction and started crying hard right away. I persisted and told her to go into the living room. I then cleaned up the O's and put them back into the bowl she had them in and very childishly yelled that I was going to put them on the counter and she could not have any more. She was very very upset as she loves her O's. I refused to budge and she kept crying until I finally got it together enough to put a new diaper on her and take us both out for a much needed walk.

I feel horrible about it. I thought about it all through our walk and when we got home I apologozed for it and explained that it was not OK and that I am working to not let it happen anymore. I know she has no clue what I was talking about but I felt it was important.

I am not sure exactly why I am writing this. I guess I want to know if it is OK to occasionally have an outburst like that or if I should be seeking some kind of help. It is getting much better and I hope it will disappear completely but am really scared that I am scarring her for life. I know parents that yell like that each and every day and their kids somehow turn out OK. But dd is very sensitive and she just crumbles when reprimanded even in an appropriate GD way. I am also alarmed (and also relieved) that her temperment is 100% better when we have a good week versus a week when I lose it once or twice. Today's example is definately one of the worst cases.

Are there other recovering yellers out there? are there any good books you can recommend? Would it be a mistake to even think of having another child while at the stage I am at? Will more chaos make it even harder to be mellow?

Thanks for reading.


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

First of all, I admire your courage. It takes a lot of guts to write out your predicament, and your honesty is a clear indication that you really want to change and are trying very hard to change.

Second, you are not alone. I am a yeller. Though I am positive I yell much less than what is probably considered normal for an American mother, I still do not like how I behave at times and am trying very hard to change. Sometimes I hear myself yelling in spite of myself. I have every intention of trying a GD technique, and I end up yelling instead. I too worry that I have scarred my child for life. I have thought about therapy once a week -- finding the time to do that, not to mention the money, is a huge issue. But perhaps there is something free online? I will research that and post whatever I find in this thread.

I don't know if ocassional outbursts will forever damage a kid. Some kids turn out marvelously well with a healthy sense of self-esteem despite being battered or abused, and others have low self-esteem if their mother gave them a nasty look once in a while. I think temperament has a lot to do with it, it ain't all parenting. However, getting rid of the outbursts certainly can't hurt and in my mind is absolutely necessary. Not only for my kids, but for me . This can't be healthy for anyone.

Please continue your efforts. And I will continue mine. If yuo ever want to pm me for support, please do.


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## mommamin (May 19, 2005)

I want to come back to this when I have more time to response.

Hang in there!!


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

I have an anger problem at times, maybe not as much as some moms but enough that it worries me. Here is what I have done to decrease it:
I read a lot of books about child development.
I try to stay away from people who don't understand normal child development.
I use self talk when I find myself thinking a bad thought about my daughter or her actions.
I talk out loud when my daughter does something like spill, I say "that's okay, that happens, even I do that." I say this when I spill or do something else that she does often too and saying this first thing helps me to focus on the fact that I do do these things and I can't get mad at her for not being perfect when I am not perfect. I say it through gritted teeth sometimes, but I relax a lot quicker than if I tell her to be more careful.
I try to avoid telling her to be more careful when she does something like fall or spill or throw things and I am quicker with hugs and cuddles than I am with a reprimand.
I say my feelings instead of holding them in and stewing.
I lay down with her and nap whenever I can.
I also give her a lot of one on one just doing what she wants to do after I have an outburst and I tell her I was wrong to behave that way so she knows that I love her even if I do make mistakes.
I haven't found anything to help with getting grumpy when she can't get to sleep at night. Sometimes I just give up and turn on the light and read if I can tell I will get grumpy very soon, and I let her play with toys next to me. I have noticed that I only care about it if I am very tired myself.


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

You sound like you're doing your very best to overcome the anger issue. I don't know if I have that much to say, but I want to lend my support and encouragement.

I've had my share of anger management issues, but have fortunately not taken it out on ds. I have been working through my issues, and perhaps I've come to a point that I finally have it under control. I also think it has helped me to have waited til I was 30 to have ds. I was not so ready at twenty something. I can remember being really angry at ds maybe once or twice, but I was just stern. I didn't yell. I think I take my anger out on dh!

Just remember that your dd is totally dependent on you. Even when she seems to be intentionally irking you, she is testing out her boundaries and wanting to have you say she is okay and loved no matter how she acts. Of course she needs to learn that some behaviors are not okay, but that she as a person is always loved and valuable. I get teary eyed just thinking about kids getting yelled at. I was yelled at a lot as a kid, and it really, really, really hurts. It was also a really bad model for my own behavior. It is probably why I was always angry growing up.

I also think that the more you yell, the more reason you have to yell. She probably gets upset by being yelled at, and then acts badly so that you want to yell more. On the flip side, the more you smile and tickle her, the more I think you'll have reason to smile. It's not all roses of course, but I definitely feel that I am enjoying the positive momentum I established in his first few weeks. It's so much easier once the ball gets rolling.

Last but not least, take it easy. It can't be easy taking care of dd while your dh travels. Perhaps you can get help during those times. If I had to do it alone for extended periods of time, I would probably be yelling at ds too. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

I guess I did have a lot to say.


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## artgirl (May 17, 2002)

I think you are doing a great job. You are aware of the problem, you are trying to control it, you are trying to get help from books and here and you APOLOGIZE when you lose it. I have had to apologize to my 2.5 yo on several occasions. My mother was a terrible yeller and I remember feeling that there must be something horribly wrong with me to make her yell like that... but then she never apologized or explained that she was just tired or grouchy or stressed and that it wasn't ME.
I've caught myself holding grudges against my dd.







: Can you believe that? I'll get angry and have a hard time getting over it so then she'll ask for something innocent like a graham cracker and I will want to say "no" to her just because I'm still mad. Talk about childish. She's TWO!!! But being aware makes all the difference. And getting enough sleep, and knowing when you're reaching the end of your rope.
You're a work in progress mama... just keep working toward the goal you want and you'll get there. Be kind to yourself, apologize when neccessary, and give your dd lots of love in between. You sound very insightful to me and you also sound sincere in your desire to be better. You'll do it but you won't be perfect all the time. Your dd will learn a valuable lesson from your perserverance to be a better person/mother.


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## TortelliniMama (Mar 11, 2004)

I'm not a big yeller, but I do have issues with anger at times. Growing up, my parents didn't seem to bother to try and control their anger. If you made them angry (however unintentionally), that was your problem, not theirs. (Of course, it's quite possible that they actually *were* controlling their anger, and what got vented at us was only a fraction of what they were feeling. To a kid, though, it was still very scary.)

When ds and life in general have me at the end of my rope, I've found that it can be helpful to just walk away (taking ds with me). I'll leave the humongous mess that he's created, or the long to-do list, or whatever's eating at me, and I put us both in the car and head, well, anywhere. We might go walk around the mall, or go to Petsmart and look at the cats for adoption and the fish, or we go to the bookstore or the children's museum. The combination of spending a while in the car, which at that point seems like a little break from ds (since he's now in a stage of being content to ride in the car) and then being in a location where there's nothing else demanding my attention (since we're not actually shopping for anything) seems to really help me. If it's late or if I'm really not feeling up to going out, I'll ignore whatever else needs to be done and we curl up with Sesame Street. TV's not a great thing, I know, but I really think it's better than spending the rest of the day with a mom who's at her breaking point.

After our trip out (or when the show's over), then I can clean up much more calmly, because I've got some distance from the original incident. I might end up with stains that are more difficult to get out, or a bill that goes out in the mail a day late, but I've decided that's a small price to pay for not exposing ds to the ugliness that can build up in me.

One other thing: I realized one reason I was having a hard time controlling anger and frustration once it began to build. Like I said earlier, my parents (especially my dad) weren't great models. Part of me, when faced with my own rising frustration, would get very scared, because when I used to see that kind of frustration building up in my dad, it was likely to end with someone being hit or yelled at or insulted or mocked. The fear in me made it harder for me to say, "Okay, I'm angry. That's not the end of the world." I mean, I could say it, and know it intellectually, but deep down, I was afraid of what it would lead to. I finally realized, it doesn't have to lead to anything. I'm not my dad. I've never hit my ds, and I'm not going to. I don't treat him the way I was treated. Even though my dad and I may experience the same kinds of emotions, that doesn't mean I'm making the same choices that he did. When I realized that, it was easier to calm myself down, because I fully realized that it was okay to feel frustrated, and that it didn't mean I was turning into the kind of parent I don't want to be.

Finally, occasionally I find it helpful to pretend a little. I used to teach little kids. I'll sometimes try and look at my interactions with ds as though he's not mine. I ask, "Would I do/say this if he wasn't mine? What would his mother think if she were to walk in on us?" It can be helpful because it helps remind me that being angry *and expressing it in an appropriate way* is okay. I wouldn't expect a caregiver I hired to be completely unaffected by the stresses of daily life with a toddler, and I'm working on not expecting that of myself.

Good luck!


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

and subscribing so I'll remember to read the rest later. I'm a short-tempered yeller too, and I'm always afraid the older she gets, the worse it'll get.


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## tsume (Jun 4, 2005)

*Yooper*, I'm not able to read your whole post or the other replies, but I wanted to chime in quickly. I have/had a major anger problem and I have learned what triggers my anger. I had horrible PPD/OCD after ds was born and I thought I had the problem licked when dd was born. That wasn't the case.

Anyway, I found a really great book that has helped me a ton. It's called _Overcoming Hurts and Anger Finding Freedom from Negative Emotions_ by Dwight L. Carlson, MD. You can check it out on amazon and I picked up my copy at the grocery store for under $10. It has a Christian viewpoint (don't know if you are a Christian or not). It's a wonderful book and will help you uncover your anger triggers, express your anger in a condtructive non-harmful way, it's a wonderful tool.

I still have anger challenges, but it's slowly getting better. The book says that says handling your anger positively is like speaking a foreign language; the more you practice the better you get.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

First, a good book is "When Anger Hurts Your Kids" (I don't remember the authors). It's difficult to read if you're the one with the anger problem, but it's well worth it. I know from experience. Lots of helpful information in here.

A second good book is "Peace Is Every Step" by Thich Nhat Hahn. It won't resonate with everyone, I suppose, but I found it very peaceful and some passages were very helpful with regard to my anger with my kids. Particularly the passage that says something like "When you plant lettuce, you don't blame the lettuce if it fails to grow. You look to see what it needs. Same with the people we love. Blame doesn't help, understanding does. If you understand you can love and things will change." (that is nowhere near a direct quote, but I don't have it on hand now). Another helpful passage is when he says that after giving that example at a talk one day, he went outside to hear a daughter say to her mother "remember, I am your lettuce. Help me grow" (or something close to that). To this day those two quotes get me through the toughest times. They are my lettuce, I can help them grow. Don't _blame_ the lettuce. Find out what it needs.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yoopervegan*
On a very good night it takes 45 minutes to get her down. After 75 minutes I was getting angry. It was dh's and my anniversary last night and I wanted her to go to sleep so we could celebrate and she just was not cooperating.

This is they type of thinking that really leads to my anger surfacing. In any given situation, if I'm seeing what's going on through my desire to control and have things go my way I'm much more likely to get angry. This is a big point in "When Anger Hurts Your Kids": anger is a secondary emotion-first I'm frustrated because I want to go downstairs to spend time with dh but the kids aren't falling asleep (a nightly occurence here), then I get angry. KWIM? I find it's very helpful to try to be aware of when the problem is really my own expectations. And usually just by noticing that I'm wanting to control how fast my kids go to sleep or whatever, I can see that I'm setting myself up to be angry. Once I got the hang of noticing my own thought patterns, I started finding it much easier to find a solution that worked without getting angry. With the bedtime example, I realized that getting frustrated and willing them to go to sleep wasn't working I was able to try a few things to help them relax and often fall asleep a little faster. KWIM? Doesn't mean I don't want the kids to go to sleep quickly any less, it means I've relaxed enough about it most nights to be more creative and to plan a little better. It means once I realized that my anxiousness and impatience were really working against all of us, I found ways to relax a little.

Another big anger trigger is fear: for example, I'm afraid of what people are thinking when my kids act up in public and that makes me more likely to feel angry. I'm afraid that because my child isn't listening to me or doing what I ask right away, that I'm raising a brat-and that leads to my anger. YK?

Or, I'm overwhelmed with things to do and dh has been working long hours and I'm tired-then I get angry and take it out on the kids. Or I'm angry at dh or someone else, but it comes out at the kids. Sometimes it's hard to be aware of these things, but once I am it's easier to be gentle with my kids.

I found I had to let go of a lot of thought patterns, and I really had to let go of my desire to control so much-I wasn't even aware of it. This is another of the things "When Anger Hurts Your Kids" covers-how your own expectations and thought patterns and assumptions really can lead to your anger without your really being aware of it. I found there's a difference between control and setting limits-and it's my desire to control that gets me in trouble. This is where reading some books about mindfulness came in helpful for me-in learning to pause long enough to become aware of my thoughts and expectations and how they affect my emotional response.

You are very brave and a very good mom to be asking for help. You can do it. It's hard work, and it's hard to do it alone and getting some help might be good, but you can do it.


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

I have been struggling with this lately too. Like some other posters, I came from a background of abuse and I think that makes it harder to react positively sometimes.

I am probably in about the same place you are right now, and my child is just a couple months older. I am so glad you posted about it. I was too chicken.

I've been thinking alot lately after these episodes: what are my needs at that time? Is it a need for control? Is it a need to feel respected? Are my expectations too high for my dd? Am I thinking of outside voices/influences that are telling me I NEED to be in control of her at all times?

I think it's harder right now too because dd is at an age where for everything the answer is 'no'. Everything is a trial all day long: changing diaper, getting dressed, sitting down for lunch, leaving the park, getting in the car, getting up the stairs to our apartment. She challenges me on every part of it and it is getting really tiresome. I feel like my need is that she sticks to our plan so that we can get to where we're going, or get in bed for her nap or for the night. She is so spirited and demanding that I need time away from her to recharge.

It sounds like that is a big issue for you too. I'm sorry that your DH has to be away so much. I wish we all lived in tribes or our extended family helped us like in other cultures.

Oh well, my high spirited one is awake too soon from her nap. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in working on this, and I think you've gotten some wonderful replies that I will use as well.


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

Cross posted with sledg.







I have seen the recs for Thich Nhat Hahn, I think working on one's own peace is a great first step. Sounds like a good one to check out.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

Oh, I have btdt!
I think you are brave for venting this and a good mama too.
I have anger issues, and they are at their worst during PMS. I have found
myself doing alot of things you mentioned. I remember being mad at him when he was an infant and would wake me up to nurse for the 4th time in 2 hours. The worst thing happened when ds was almost 1. He would freak out every time I had to bundle him up to go out in the cold. I had an appt. so I was trying to hurry and get him ready and out to the freeznig cold car. He wouldn't cooperate and was screaming and fighting me. I walked in the other room and just screamed my frustration so loud! Ds was still in the other room but it frightened him badly. He started crying hysterically and it was hard to calm him down. I felt like a monster. Now that he's so verbal, and wants to do eveything at his own pace, or his own way, I find myself yelling at him and fighting with him waaay too much. Like greensleeves mentioned, he challenges me at every step, dressing, mealtimes, leaving the house etc... It really gets so tiresome. I hate when I yell, and I am trying to stop it. My ds isn't even spirited, so I really feel even worse about losing my temper. I am so glad when dh gets home after work. Like you, I am afraid of having another, I sometimes think it will send me over the edge so to speak. I also had PPD after ds's birth, but I couldn't see it, I only noticed that once ds was 6 months old I said "boy, I feel alot better than I did when he was a newborn, more balanced" Then when he was a year, same thing, and at 2 etc. I finally feel now that I am back to my "old self". It was like coming out of a fog that you didn't really know you were in. If I have another I think I will ask for some medication right off the bat.

My mother was a yeller (screamer actually) and she spanked me and my siblings. She had a bad temper and would lose it totally. I remember her grabbing me by the hair and yanking me across the room. I was probably 12 or 13, and I was so angry and hurt.
I love her and she is a good mom in all other respects, she also denies doing this btw....says she doesn't "remember".







I don't spank ds and neither does dh. He was spanked as a child too. Thanks to this board, I had to show him some articles from here to convince him spanking is WRONG!

Anyway, I try to not to yell. I try to think of how I'll regret it later when I gear up to start yelling. I think of how ridiculous I must appear when I am yelling at my ds for no other reason than he "won't do what I want". I will go in another room and do deep breathing (what a great thing that is) for a minute. I try, try try to let him do things at his own pace.

My ds is very sensitive, so I've realized that trying to hurry him, or yelling at him just makes the situation worse. If we are in a hurry, it's better to let him go at his pace and be a tad late than yell at him, he gets upset, we both feel bad, I have to comfort him and apologize befrore he is ready to function again. So the time wasted yelling is equal to the time spent doing it at his pace to begin with. I think the fact that I am very impatient has always been a problem. Ds has taught me alot about patience, but I still need alot more work, imo!
I think you have gotten alot of good advice and I am taking notes as well.
Hugs mama!


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Thanks you so much for all of the replies, advice, and book suggestions!!!!! And thanks for not jumping all over me....I am sure it is hard to read what I wrote for some of you. It sure is hard forme to read. I am running out the door but wanted to let you all know I am reading and am thankful. There has been so much good advice....I think I am going to have to make flashcards from this thread.

Yooper


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I'm really glad this thread was started. I have anger issues too. I do pretty well with controlling it 90% of the time, but the other 10%...sigh, not so good. The weird thing is that my DD is not fazed at all if I yell. I don't know if that's good or bad. She isn't very sensitive that way.

Things that help me--I actually made a list once:

Going outside or getting out of the house
Turning on a video (I'm not big on videos but this is a defuser for me)
Bach Rescue Remedy
Changing the tone of my voice or doing something silly--this only is possible when I'm starting to be annoyed, not when really angry, but it works!
Calling someone on the phone

I also use the "Would I be okay with someone else talking this way to my child?" check. Surprisingly, sometimes I find that I would be, because it isn't that what I have done is really "bad." It's the feelings inside me and the internal talk that are horrifying. Not that that is good, but it helps me feel less guilty.

Please know that it's not just you. I have been so upset at times by the depth of my anger, even though I do not really "take it out." I have childhood issues too. I think I need some of the books.


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

I was really surprised at my temper and anger when I had my daughter. I never thought of myself as being an angry person, so it took me by surprise. a couple of things that i have been working on that others haven't mentions (or maybe phrased differently).

- Letting go. if i feel myself getting frustrated, then I try and step back and think, how important is this? For example, spilling water on the floor, or not letting me change her diaper when i need to (if we are at home, not out and about) etc... 9 times out of 10, it's a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. I've had to let go of my need for control and have things happen on my schedule. I mean, sometimes it does need to, but by letting go lots of the little stuff I save myself a lof of anger.

- along with that, my LLL leader says this, "if it isnt' morally or physically threatening or unsafe, it doesn't matter." this has really helped me.

- I remind myself of her age. I have found myself just really expecting too much of dd. she is super verbal for her age and my expectations get a bit out of whack. Remembering that she is still little allows me to just give her room to be and make mistakes.

- counting, breathing, distracting...

good luck mama, it's a hard one. major kudos for recognizing your challenges and working through them.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

I lost it with my son the other day and felt awful...He is a challenging child.

I yelled and he ran from me , i went and got him and dragged him out of the door (we were late for a therapy appt for him) He called me every nasty name i can thing of , every curse word ive ever heard came out of that childs mouth. I yelled so much that day that my throat became sore and it scared my 5yo DD in the back seat









I'm usually very calm with him, i try not to 'go there' with him when he has an episode but sometimes it just bursts through like a raging river.

I'm ashamed of myself and thought of posting and thought better of it, your courage helped me let out my own indiscretion.

I think we could all use help with our anger issues, too bad therapy is so expensive.

Blessings~K~


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

Hi,
Just wanted to check back in with you.........
I can't remember if this book has been mentioned in this thread or not.......I am currently reading, "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. (Found at the library.) I think she has a lot of good strategies that can help parents get a handle on their anger. She talks about identifying your own underlying needs and feelings, helping children identify theirs; stopping your own anger before you act; seeing what your most vulnerable times are; what to do when parents and kids have different temperaments, energy level and needs; setting standards and boundaries. And more. I think this is also recommended in the sticky at the top of the board.

Anyway, I have been working my way through parts of the book and it has already helped me keep my cool today. For example she talks about getting your brain out of the "fight or flight" status when you become angry--says even just taking a pause helps, and it does! I paused a few times today and thought about what I was doing, let go of having to control........

I also need to pick up, "Playful Parenting" again and actually finish it this time.







I've read just enough of it to know why it is good to use these techniques with kids, but not really all the specifics of how....

I hope you'll check back in, hope you're doing okay today too.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Ever since that last episode , things have been unbelievably good(i don't know if that is good or bad) DS has been ultra helpfull and will do anything i suggest, i think he might be feeling worried and guilty









I think i have that book, maybe i will give it a re read..usually i have a handle on things, but anger can hang out under the surface for a long time like lava waiting to spew


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

There has been some great advice posted here, and I just wanted to add one thing.

I'm also someone with what I would consider a short fuse, and I grew up in an "angry" family. It was always the one emotion that was acceptable to display, and it was displayed in spades. So I was worried when I had kids that I would fall into the same trap. I relied on something I remembered from a Sociology class about family violence that I had taken. It was talking about how men who beat their wives often are sent to anger management, but often they didn't really have a problem managing their anger. After all, they weren't losing their temper and beating up their boss, their friends, people at the grocery store. (Though there were some like that.) But mostly, it was just that these men felt it was acceptable to "lose your temper" and take it out on the woman in your life.

Now, please don't think I'm comparing you to a wife-beater at all, but I think that it's kind of the same principle for me. That is, I have had to make losing my temper with my children completely unallowable. This is also why I knew I absolutely could not use any sort of physical disciplline with my kids either, it'd be waaay too easy to lose it.

I don't want to sound like I'm trivializing this problem at all, but I think it's a bad habit. Bad habits can still be totally destructive and unhealthy, right? I mean, I think it takes lots and lots of practice and perseverance to break the habit, and start reacting in a different way. Like most major emotional/behavioral changes, I guess. But it sounds like you're taking it on.

Good luck, I know it's a tough, tough battle, and I can relate to how much harder it is made by being the only parent home.


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## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

I appreciate the thought and attention you paid to your post - your sincerity comes across in desire to find answers.

I hope you feel less alone in the struggle with anger & intense emotions. This is obviously a topic very, very few parents speak of openly, yet clearly it is something that many of us work on.

You have gotten fabulous feedback...my thoughts are... (having a 21MO son, and being 7MO pg):

*Letting go of the power struggle -unless a safety issue. When my son refuses or melts down about putting a diaper on, I wait until he is ready. I always try to offer him options - let HIM be in charge of as many decisions as possible. (Can you imagine how it must feel to have 100% of your life run by other people?)

*Allow a video. We do not watch tv as a general rule, but on rainy, inside - really TOUGH days, I let him pick a video to watch & we snuggle with popcorn on the futon. This is important esp for me now being so tired as I go through the 3rd trimester.

*I pretend there is a video monitor where my DH, or other person can watch us - and think about how my behavior might be perceived, or responded to.

*I also consider what I might think if I observed someone else treating a toddler in such a way. (positive or negative, YK)

*If I can, I try to think about how I would handle an ADULT doing the same behavior. (for example, a spill...if a guest spilled something, I would simply clean it up, gracefully accepting without anger their apologies. Accidents are always ACCIDENTS -and we all know 2 YO's have alot of them...unintentionally, of course!)

*I have a couple friends with whom I talk on the phone VERY HONESTLY about the challenges we each have with our parenting. If I am losing it, I pick up the phone - and venting and talking and comiserating and laughing always helps.

*Getting out of the house on days he starts off melting down. If I can see a rough day, I immediately set up a play date, park time or just walk the mall in poor weather.

Again, you've gotten some excellent feedback.
Thanks for feeling brave enough to air your voice.
I hope some of these thoughts help.


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## Maggi315 (Aug 31, 2003)

I am also a yeller and am embarassed how I "lose" it with my kids sometimes. For me, though, the problem isn't really my little ones. I guess after 4kids, I have mellowed ALOT about their behaviors and can take it in stride. My main problem is my older kids, I am forever yelling and nagging at them. Add to that their smart comebacks, rolling of the eyes, slamming doors, etc. and POW I am set off! My husband works almost every evening, the time when I could use the help the most, so we have meltdowns almost daily. My teen stomps around, the house is a mess (mostly from laziness of older two, I can deal with some legos on the floor and such), homework is not done, they are sneaking to watch TV or be on computer, etc, etc. Add to that, I am tired and not feeling well by then usually and have 2 little ones who are cranky, want snacks, baths, etc. Well, when we add all that up, it just explodes.

I would love to continue hearing what others do. i have tried backing down, not nagging, etc., but then they do NOTHING. I MEAN NOTHING. For instance, my 9th grade had a whopping GPA of 1.7 this year and only passed because our public schools in this state suck and they let her "extra credit" her way through. My 4th grade does virtual charter school and still isn't done only because of laziness.

I think having a Type A personality and a short temper is a really hard thing to deal with. I see things that totally bother me that doesn't bother my friends or my husband or dwell on things that are annoying to me and no one even notices. And NOISE levels are a huge problem for me. I just cannot deal with 4 kids talking, whining, yelling, etc. at once. drives me insane!


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## dharmama (Dec 29, 2002)

Yooper ~







What a beautifully honest post. Thank you.

I recently started seeing a homeopath...motivated primarily by my anger issues. Mine was mainly directed at DH. I found myself getting VERY angry at him for doing the same things I was doing (ie spending too much time on the computer







) and he called me on it.

I've been on a remedy for a little over a month now and I really have noticed improvement.

I also practice and teach yoga. For a while after dd was born I was not practicing...but still teaching....which was not good for me. I got way out of balance and really resented the teaching. Getting back to my practice has been a big help.

I also just finished reading (and will continue to re-read) Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.

The descriptions of meditative parenting....the breath and changing diapers...the breath and negotiating with a two year old...the breath and losing it....the breath and beginning again...etc. have been very helpful to me.

I don't know what your support network/financial situation is like but if it's possible to get out for a yoga class or a massage or some other activity that calms you and nourishes your body/soul, I think that is really important!

Stay with it mama. You are doing great!!

~Erin


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## Tapioca (Feb 4, 2005)

This thread is bringing tears to my eyes. I can relate to a lot of it. thank you for starting this!


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

I wanted to reiterate tortellinimama's post encouraging you to allow your anger (in appropriate ways). I was in therapy for a number of years, and the therapist I learned from most made me realize that my negative emotions were being fueled by trying to repress them. If I could just let myself feel anger at the jerk who was rude to me, that would be the end of it. But because of the way I grew up, any feelings of anger would leave me feeling scared and guilty, so I would try to repress it, and then of course it would come back in much greater force and in a way that was totally subverted. All this was done without my explicit recognition. In my thoughts, I would simply tell myself that I shouldn't get so angry at the jerk, and then a part of me would automatically rebel against that, and would find reasons to justify being angry at the guy, and then I'd tell myself not to get so worked up, etc. So, to put it simply, perhaps fighting your anger is not the answer, but finding ways to express them more effectively is as Tortellinimama said.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Good advice goepark. That goes for any strong emotion...just feeling it, not running away from it and letting it go...Easier said than done


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## Danielsmom (Jul 19, 2004)

This is a really helpful post. I have yelled at ds several times and felt really bad afterwards.

It's gotten better lately.

I realized I yelled at ds because I felt like I had no control over his actions, especially when he has a tantrum. I felt out of control over his seeming lack of control. His not sitting in his high chair, having a tantrum, hitting the dogs, whatever, evoked a feeling that I was not being a "successful" parent to have such a "poorly behaved" "bratty" child.

Then I realized these labels were from my parents, how I was raised. My parents were critical, sometimes sarcastic, yelled and screamed a lot. And I accepted that I had made their criticisms mine--that I felt ds was "spoiled" if he were not acting a certain way.

Accepting this helped me. I ask myself now, can I step back and observe my feelings of anger, rather than act on them? Other things that helped/do help:

-take time for yourself. Even 15 minutes of a bubble bath or deep breathing. I find that 15 minutes of meditation is more relaxing for me than 1 hour of television.

-tell your child when you are angry. That simple way of letting off steam--before the anger escalates--has helped me so much. Sometimes I will say to ds "I'm hurt or angry you did that" and I immediately feel better and calmer. Don't let yourself get to the boiling point.

-give yourself a timeout. Sometimes I go into the bathroom and count to 10, or 20 or give myself a minute. I make sure ds is in a safe place before I do this.

-take time to laugh. Boy, do I need to take my own advice on this one. Rent a funny movie or read a silly book. This really helps me. Try not to take things so seriously (again, I need to heed my own advice here.)

As another poster mentioned, this is a bad habit and it takes time to change bad habits. Make sure you give yourself credit for all the things you do right with your child (reward the positive in yourself as well as your child).

BTW, thanks to the other posters for the book rec's. I'm taking note of them.


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## quidditchmom (Jun 18, 2005)

I've never been all that patient of a person, and I've always had a quick temper. When my first ds was born, however, I really wanted to change that. I have been extremely sucessful. I've had other parents before tell me that I've been so calm in situations they would have lost it in that they wanted to reach over a feel for a pulse.

First, I started to say I love you a million times a day - especially when he did something that drove me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to yell at someone immediately after telling them you love them? It kinda reminds you, too. I know that you love your child, but sometimes she makes you so mad that you might need a reminder. Laughing is another thing that helps, even if at first it's forced. It will come easier eventually and you can't yell when you're laughing. Hugging and tickling also work. If she won't go to bed, she might just need a litle more mom time. You might find that sitting with her for five minutes just hugging her helps her settle in, and diffuses your anger. Tickling was another thing in my arsenal against anger. When ds was younger and was tearing everything up, making messes, and almost certainly losing us our security deposit I would grab him and lay him down on the middle of the living room floor and tickle him, which always led to rolling around and playing for a bit and after all that laughing and playing, not only was I not mad anymore, but he was usually worn out sufficiently to just sit down and look at books for a while.

All of these things helped me for a while, and then one day I just noticed that I had a better perspective on things. Half a gallon of oj on the floor? Well, it could have been worse, I'm sure. It's become second nature for me to - on the rare occasions I do start to feel a little angry take a deep breath and suddenly it's just gone.

I know where you're coming from, and I know it's hard. But with a little work, it will get better, and easier. Just remeber, you're teaching her how to be a mommy to your grandbabies someday.

Oh, and for those times when it's just too much - don't be afraid to shut yourself in the bathroom and cry your eyes out for a couple of minutes. It's better than therapy. And so much cheaper


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## Pealette (Feb 27, 2005)

fellow yeller here. I was in a bad space a few months back. Karma brought me two things that really helped. Sear's Discipline Book pg 162/163 has a point by point guide of some guidance basics that are great to be reminded of, like eye to eye contact.
Second, Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting was highly recommened through MDC. It has given me a totally new spin on paying attention to my stuff and to how I choose to deal with my child in the context of what my long-term goals are for him.
Good luck.


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## davmon (Jun 21, 2003)

and a







for having the courage to start this thread. i actually came down to the computer this morning hoping to find some wise words of support in this gd because my patience is soooo short lately. i tend to find that, for me, my patience or lack thereof is directly proportional to my sense of inner peace and i know that hasn't been real high lately. i'm sure it's related to the stress of ttc, my dh traveling alot and ds fully exploring and pushing his boundaries (totally age appropriate for an almost 3yo!). i fear that this awful cycle is being set up that i can't seem to stop - ds won't listen to me, i get aggravated, try gd, end up yelling, feel bad, try to explain why i yelled and then repeat the same thing an hour later when no amount of reasoning or explaining will get ds to go on the potty, or come in the house or pick up his toys ....

i haven't had a chance to read through all of them yet but just the few that i have have helped - now i think i'll print out the rest and carry them around with me all the time









just knowing i'm not the only parent who trys to practice gd yet still gets angry is such a huge relief in itself, kwim?

mona


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Right, Thank you for starting this thread.
Yesterday was an extremely difficult day and i got through it rather calmly , a rarity when DS starts one of his bipolar cycling 'fits' he says things trying to push my buttons, threatens to kill himself and other horrendous things







: , gd is hard with him and i usually end up yelling and really losing it







: but yesterday, i think i handled it well. Just hinting around for some pats on the back


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## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

oh boy, this thread is full of such helpful advice, i think i need to print it out...

I've had anger issues in the past in my relationships, which I have never really owned up to and dealt with properly. I was doing fine with DS until DD came along 3 months ago. I could use tiredness etc as an excuse but I know my anger is way more deep nrooted than that and old family stuff popped up a lot for me during this last pregnancy and since the birth. Unfortunately it's come out a lot towards DS.

Sometimes I feel like the calmest mother, accepting it all in my stride, and then..boom..the smallest thing can send me over the edge and I lose it. There's barely even a second to pause and practice mindfulness..(but it is called *practice* and i think the more i work on it the more pace i can create between my thoughts/emotions and my actions).

In some ways I think it's easier to have a parent who just yells all the time than one who suddenly switches, unpredictably. I see the look of confusion/fear on my son's face and it breaks my heart. Lately at the end of the day if we've had a good day he'll say, "We didn't do any yelling today mummy"







I've been making a point of -after it happens - talking to him about it and trying to explain, not excuse, why I lost it, and I've told him I am trying very hard not to get so angry. He's old enough (3 1/2) that I think it's important for me to acknowledge my own mistakes and that I'm not perfect, and to help him understand he is not to blame for my shortcomings.

Besides all the wonderful suggestions here I really do think therapy - though expensive and time consuming - can be invaluable. I also find body work and yoga to be very good for me; I tend to store my anger in my body a lot and focusing on that helps me to become more aware of what's building in me and to release it in a healthy way.


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelovedK*
Right, Thank you for starting this thread.
Yesterday was an extremely difficult day and i got through it rather calmly , a rarity when DS starts one of his bipolar cycling 'fits' he says things trying to push my buttons, threatens to kill himself and other horrendous things







: , gd is hard with him and i usually end up yelling and really losing it







: but yesterday, i think i handled it well. Just hinting around for some pats on the back









BelovedK, Good job facing the challenges!







One day at a time.......


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

i am also so glad this thread was started. I just had an awful time with dd1, spent 3 hours trying to get her to nap. She is tired and cranky and must nap, or she's meltdown after meltdown. I lost it after she pushed my buttons. This was my worst parenting day ever. I am an awful mom, I made her hysterical and confused, and I am tired and worn out. I know a big part of the problem is that I have not had a real break in a long time. I just spent the weekend alone with the kids and need some time off.

There are days when I am a truly crappy mother and I hope I don't scar her too badly. I really hate myself sometimes. I am trying very hard to change but sometimes do not think I will ever be the mom I want to be.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RedWine*
There are days when I am a truly crappy mother and I hope I don't scar her too badly. I really hate myself sometimes. I am trying very hard to change but sometimes do not think I will ever be the mom I want to be.

RedWine, don't be so hard on yourself! I bet you're doing a terrific job. None of us will ever be the moms we truly want to be, I hope. If we are, we haven't aimed high enough. Moms are human too, and we're going to scar our children a little bit, whether we like it or not. If we didn't, what could they joke with their future spouses about? :LOL


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

Natensarah.
thanks. But today I really was a truly crappy mama. I'm sitting here with a beer at 5pm, even though I'm nursing dd2. I just had to have a beer after that 3 hour ordeal. I haven't had one since before I became pregnant with dd2. I ended up screaming at dd1 at least 3 times during this awful naptime fiasco. The whole thing was just plain awful. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I were a spanking parent, at least I could make things consistent. The way I am, sometimes (I think most of the time) I am a playful, happy parent, and then I reach a breaking point and yell. I must confuse her.

I know a big part of it is that I need a break. Dh has not been here much lately. He works M-S 11 hours a day. I am a better, happier mama if I can have a bit of time to myself each week. Haven't had that in ages. I'm ready to hop a plane and fly off somewhere exotic for a few days.

I love my children tremendously, and the way I just treated dd1 breaks my heart. Sometimes I feel like a monster.


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## aprildawn (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RedWine*
There are days when I am a truly crappy mother and I hope I don't scar her too badly. I really hate myself sometimes. I am trying very hard to change but sometimes do not think I will ever be the mom I want to be.

this sounds like me! redwine, recognizing your shortcomings and wanting to change for the sake of your kids means you are NOT a crappy mom.

belovedk -- here's another pat on the back.

yopper -- thanks for starting this thread. i'm so glad you had the courage to admit your problem. i, too, have scared myself and both dds and my dh with my anger. i hope to both learn from you other mamas as well as help support you and the other mamas coming forward and admitting their need for help.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RedWine*
I know a big part of it is that I need a break. Dh has not been here much lately. He works M-S 11 hours a day. I am a better, happier mama if I can have a bit of time to myself each week. Haven't had that in ages. I'm ready to hop a plane and fly off somewhere exotic for a few days.

I love my children tremendously, and the way I just treated dd1 breaks my heart. Sometimes I feel like a monster.

RedWine, I know just what you mean! We're moving this weekend, eliminating my dh's one-way 1.5 hr. commute, which makes me soooo happy. I can't imagine what I'm going to do w/all my alone time! Sorry, I hope that didn't sound like I was gloating.

We have had the same exact scenario w/naps. Her, not wanting to take them, me losing my temper. Right now we're doing pretty good, but I know something will throw her off and we'll be back out of whack again. Probably moving will do a number on the naps.

Naps are like precious metals. Enjoy your beer.


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

Thanks, April and Sarah, for your kindness. Sarah, good luck with the move. The shortened commute time will surely bring great changes. I am happy for you.

I guess we all need to just keep trying. That's what I tell myself, anyway. I am grateful to all you ladies, and to MDC.


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

Redwine,
Oh I can so relate to your nap issue. You need a break, you know she needs sleep.....you start worrying about whether this will become a pattern, whether she is going to just give up naps, which would make things hard.







I'm sorry your DH has to work so much, that must make it difficult for YOU to feel cared for. You know what? It's okay to have a beer every once in a while. It's okay for us to give ourselves little indulgences so that we can feel cared for. If we lived in extended family groups as humans did for millennia, there would be others to care for you and your children. I have talked to people from India and other cultures, and they were appalled that young moms are alone with their children all day. Somehow, the thought that it should not be this way comforts me, does that make any sense? Because I know I need to give myself a break sometimes, and know that I am only human and trying to do a very hard job.


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

I got this from the thread of the same name that is above, in the GD archives:

Quote:

Originally posted by AmyMN

When my dd is "acting up", I have finally learned to do a self-check. Since I started doing this, things are going much smoother for me as a mother:

What attitudes am I sending out? Am I thinking that dd is in my way/a nuisance rather than a contribution to me and the family? Am I angry at myself or my dh? Am I behaving in an addictive way (such as spending too much time on the computer or procrastinating or getting sidetracked) which tunes me out from my dd's signals? Am I uncomfortable with my dd's display of emotions? Am I being unfocused, indecisive, wishy washy, asking too many questions (to dd)? Am I being impatient with myself? Am I trying to accomplish too many things around the house and not taking time to smell the flowers, smile, laugh, dance? Am I being resistant of my child's love, respect and adoration of me? Have I kept us in the house all day (no fresh air, people contact, physical activity)? Is it a boring day? Am I not taking responsibility for my own happiness?

I can promise you that when dd is "acting up", the answers to at least one of these above questions is "YES!" Notice that none of my questions have *anything* to do with what my *dd* is doing/saying/being.
I thought it was worth repeating here.

Shamelessly stealing from yet another thread:

Quote:

Here's another trick, though, that may get you through those tough moments (and I hear you-- that diaper change WAS a tough moment). I think to myself,

"What would be the lesser of the two evils at this moment?"

For example, if I am at the point of losing it (and as _______mom says, I find that those moments come usually when I am overtired or generally stressed, so a self-check is very important!!!) I give myself two options for my behavior. Neither one of the options might be the "ideal" choice, but one is always better than the other. If I were tempted to hit or yell in your case, my other option might be to let DS stay in the nude, get things gross, while I go to another room and get mad.

*ALWAYS give yourself a choice about your behavior (ignore the voice that says, "I MUST do x.") even if, like I said, it isn't a choice that is going to be in the Parenting Hall of Fame (is there such a place?).*


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Redwine,

Please don't be hard on yourself. First of all, a good beer is supposed to help w/ milk production, so enjoy, i used to dring one really good beer every night while nursing DS. My favorite time of the night.

I used to get so frustrated with DS that even as a baby, i would scream, i felt awful and thought i scarred him for life, but i didn't.

I feel like i will never truly be the mother i want to be either, are any of us?? truly, doesn't everyone make mistakes? Your mistake isn't irreversable. try to get some rest, at any cost, take care of yourself also.


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## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

I just had an interesting chat with a friend. She has been alone with her 2 boys all week and last night they both woke her up at 3am and she said she finally "lost it", and she was feeling so bad about it. She said what I've been thinking; how can we teach our kids it's not ok to yell, etc when we're doing it? But she said her Dh thinks it's fine for her to do that and that that's "how kids learn". My Dh has sometimes said similar things. It made me realise how we mamas are SOOOOO hard on ourselves, and hold ourselves to such different standards than many dads (or other mamas) would. Not that I'm excusing myself when I lose it, but that I think we need to lighten up on ourselves too. Like someone said in another thread, I'm doing my best and every day is a new day.

In terms of "scarring" our children, the children that are emotionally scarred are the ones that have not had healthy communication with their parents; as long as we are keeping comunication open with our children and are honest about our mistakes, and are allowing them to express themselves healthily, we are doing okay.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

I get angry EVERY night putting the kids to bed. They take about one hour going to sleep and I have to stay there with them or they will never sleep. Staying in that dark room for ONE HOUR makes me FURIOUS. I try not to let it out on the kids. On most nights, I take 2-3 minutes trips to the bathroom where I take a comb or whatever and hit really hard on a roll of paper .... so as not to make noise.... I also bite their wooden beds or their toys ...whatever I can lay my teeth on... real hard.... without making any noise ... sometimes I pull my hair, pinch myself .... I get sooo mad.... I try not to let it out on the kids... however all these techniques only buy time.... if it takes more than 1 hour, I lose it... it again happened last night.... I just am not able to manage bedtime... I really feel ashamed and a bad mom... I know that another poster said anger display in no good however it's hard when you come from a family where anger was displayed often (but, never, ever on people)


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

g, i used to do breathing excersizes when that was going on. Is helped, but biting something wouldve felt more satisfying...they don't know, at least that. We can ramain calm on the exterior, unless it is gonna come out later (thats why i did the breathing) I imagined the room filled with angry smoke and with each breath, i would transform the smoke into purity and calm. Eventually the room would be clear and she would pop off of my breast satisfied and ~asleep~


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

I could've written your post, yoopervegan.

I've come to believe that my dd, who is now five, has come here, in part, to be a mirror of myself. We are reeeeaally psychically connected... when I'm stressed/worried/angry/sad/whatever, even if I'm not showing it at all, she acts up and plays on that energy LIKE CRAZY. I am sooooo not a mindful person much of the time, but my little girl is right there, reflecting back at me every painful subconcious emotion I am experiencing! Talk about insanity.....

Anyway, my ds is the opposite. He's 3. He's very grounded, not super emotional, and doesn't really feed off of or into my energy. Interesting, huh? Both raised in the same household, same parents, same friends, same environment... yet one is superdooper emotional and not really "in" her body, and the other is just so grounded it's scary sometimes.

I guess what I'm saying here is, sometimes you have to trust that there is a divine order at work. I've been working with a Reiki Master/intuitive healer as well as a karmic astrologer. When I'm wigging out because "I'm ruining my child for life, can't control my temper, can't get anything done," etc. etc. etc., I tell myself that she chose me for a reason. She is here to teach me and reflect back at me for a reason. We would like to believe that we are the sole creators of our children's minds, bodies, and spirits. It's actually a very scary trip to be on when you believe this. When I let this notion go, and sit back and tell myself that she is on her own journey and has her own set of issues and conflicts that have absolutely nothing to do with me, it allows me to drop some of my control issues (which is directly related to the anger issues) and relate to her on a totally different level because nothing that happens in the course of our day is taken personally.

The first thing you need to do is let go of the guilt. Guilt is very, very harmful, born of the belief that you must punish yourself for not living up to an ideal and unrealistic expectation. I'm not saying that not yelling and freaking out is unrealistic, but it is for YOU at this precise moment in time. I've found that guilt creates so much MORE negative energy and it feeds into the viscious cycle of yucky emotions. I've found that if I let go of the guilt, it allows me to live more in the moment and use that energy being a better mom and person.

Secondly, think about how our kids would feel when they got older if we parented perfectly. They will have their own sets of issues and emotional unbalances... if their moms parented them (nearly) perfectly and never showed the natural human reactions of anger, frustration, stress, and sadness, that would be quite a standard to live up to and a certain recipe for failure! lol

It's a hard job, I know. Once you allow yourself to open up and see that everything is playing out exactly the way it's supposed to, you can let go of the fear and the control issues and the ideal of perfection and anger will begin to subside.


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candiland*
The first thing you need to do is let go of the guilt. Guilt is very, very harmful, born of the belief that you must punish yourself for not living up to an ideal and unrealistic expectation. I'm not saying that not yelling and freaking out is unrealistic, but it is for YOU at this precise moment in time. I've found that guilt creates so much MORE negative energy and it feeds into the viscious cycle of yucky emotions. I've found that if I let go of the guilt, it allows me to live more in the moment and use that energy being a better mom and person.

This is wonderful advice. Thank you.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

There is beautiful advice here , i think i should print it out...the breathing really helped me. I'm trying to teach it to my goslings. I am a reiki teacher and i try to do reiki treatments on myself. I still lose is sometimes, this thread has been a lifesaver to see that i'm not alone


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## aprildawn (Apr 1, 2004)

gaialice -- i remember the days when putting dd1 to sleep would make me really angry. i'd just lie in bed with her and stew. my anger was totally a result of me focusing on the things i wanted to do or i needed. while i do believe that i have every right to have my needs met, i certainly shouldn't have been taking it out on dd1 (even if my anger was kept bottled up).

what i started doing that made a huge improvement for both me and dd1 was to use the time to pray. however, i don't want to be presumptuous about your spiritual beliefs, but i'll tell you how it helped me. i'm a christian and believe that God wants to help us when we ask him. i started off praying for God to help me not be angry and to help me be patient. as time went by i didn't need to pray that prayer anymore and i spent the time praying for dd1, for dh, for myself, etc. i really looked forward to it. now dd1 falls asleep w/in 5 minutes and i kinda miss that time every day.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

I'll try the breathing and the prayers (not christian, but anyway ....) The thing is that I feel the need to react when they go overboard (like if they start banging their feet on the wall - -they can't do that -- the neighbour's kids are trying to sleep too...) and that totally interrupts my chain of thought and my concentration. But i'll try, once more, I will try. Hurting myself with my anger cannot be good.


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## artgirl (May 17, 2002)

Candiland,
I wanted to tell you that I have many of the same beliefs as you. I think my children chose me to be their mother because together, we were meant to experience life, learn and grow. Therefore I already AM the perfect mother for MY children. They are also the perfect children to help me with my life's journey/lessons. Of course that doesn't let me off the hook with my parenting. I am always striving to learn more and do a better job. It just means that I don't have to fret too much if I goof up.

Also, about the parenting *perfectly* thing. To begin with, it's impossible and even if it were I agree that that would carry it's own issues as well. Our children will be exposed to all kinds of people in their adult lives, covering the whole spectrum of *perfectness* and if they have never had to deal with unjustified anger, or hurt feelings they would be totally unprepared for real life. Our job is to help them through these things in a healthy way, not to avoid them. Give them the tools to pick themselves back up, self worth intact, and keep going. Teach them that they are not the cause of other people's issues.

Aprildawn, I use bedtime to pray/breathe/meditate/positive imagery too. I also realized that once I just gave into the fact that I was going to be there for awhile I actually enjoyed it. AND I think children feed off your energy so the more upset you are (whether you are showing it or not) the longer they take to go to sleep. It's a vicious cycle. I wanted my kids to fall alseep in a room filled with loving-not angry-energy. I don't mean that to be snarky to you gaialice, because there have been nights where I thought I'd go insane if dd didn't go to sleep, but try it. Why fight it every single night if you know you have to do it. That's lots of wasted energy.

When I'm having a REALLY bad day I just try to laugh and remember that it's not going to last forever. Sometimes days with children can just get so completely ludicrous. Babie's crying, poopy diapers, dog throw-up, muddy shoes, etc.







It's hilarious if you can see it. I tell myself a line from the movie "Nemo"... Dory the fish told Marlin to "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" and that's what I do.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgirl*
I don't mean that to be snarky to you gaialice

You are ABSOLUTELY not snarky. I actually I wrote down your words on a piece of paper "I want my kids to fall asleep in a room full of loving energy" and I will use that as a mantra tonight. Thank you for your help. Really.


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