# feeling lost



## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Hello to all,

My name is Sarah G. and I am new to this posting. One week and one day ago my son Luke was born still at 40 weeks and one day. I deliverd by c-section due to an unfavorable cervix. However, that was not the cause of his death. My husband and I heard his heart beat just one day prior to his delivery. At this visit my Dr. tried to manipulate my cervix with her hand and sent me home stating if I did not deliver by Monday she would schedule a c-section the following Wed. She stated that if i felt any change in movement to contact her. As soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood in my underpants and I was having cramps. I immediately called th Dr. and the nurse assured me that this was normal after the manipulation of the cervix. Later that night i told my hisband that i didn't feel right, but thought i was being too anxious and went to bed knowing i had an ultrasound and NST the next afternoon. I woke up the next morning and ate breakfast, and sat in the recliner. I told my husband that I had not felt the baby move at all. He came over and rubbed my belly, and said it was going to be o.k. (previously I thought the baby was not moving as much and had gone to the Dr. and did an NST and everything was fine) I began to get anxious so we left for the Dr. office an hour before my appointment. On the way to the Dr. office as we pulled up to the stop light I felt a tremendous kick from the baby and began to cry with relief thanking God for the movement that eased my fears. I asked my husband to then stop by to drop off out tax papers. When we reached the Dr.s office we waited for the
NST tech to call me back.. The tech hooked me up to the monitor and right away I knew something was terribly wrong. For the first time I did not hear my baby's heartbeat right away. I could tell the tech was new and after a few minutes she went to get another nurse to check. I started to cry and knew that this was it. She asked me if I wanted my husband to come back and I said not until we go to ultrasound to be sure, due to my husbands high anxiety, I did not want to put him through anything until it was for sure. I still hoped my baby was going to be o.k. As I laid back on the table my husband walked in and looked at me, I just cried and shook my head in disbelief, the room was silent as I looked around the techs and nurses looked shocked, and then that was it. The tech looked at me with tears in her eyes and stated "I'm so sorry there is no heart beat" and asked the nurse to go to get the Dr. After that everything seemed a blur. We waited in the dr. office until they sent us next door to the hospital. My husband just kept repeating "what are we supposed to do now?" At 10p.m. that evening I my Son Luke Harrison Garrett was born still. The Dr. stated that he was perfect and that the only thing he saw was the cord was wrapped around his neck once and body, but was not sure if this was the cause of death.

I am sorry if this is disturbing to anyone but feel like I need to tell my story to someone who has had the same thing happen to them.. I feel so lost and empty. I don't really know what to do or where to begin. My mind is so foggy from medication and my body hurts. Please, I would like some direction.

thank you in advance,

Sarah


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## tomjon (Mar 25, 2004)

dearest sarah,
a sadder story I have not read. I'm so very sorry that you are in so much pain, understandably so. There are no words that i can write to help ease your sorrow, but please know that I will be thinking about you and your family and sending you big hugs and support. Have you found out the exact cause of death? Perhaps that would help, if you knew what happened. Grief counseling may help as well. Please let me know how you are doing...
tomjon


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## CarolynnMarilynn (Jun 3, 2004)

Sarah;

I am very sorry for your loss. What a tremendously difficult time for you.

There may be bereavement groups in your area where you can get connected to another woman who has suffered a similar loss, and you can find support in that. A friend of mine speaks with bereaved families, and provides support to women in similar situations. She lost two babies, both at term. You are not alone. She would talk on the phone with women who were going though a recent loss, and just provide woman-to-woman contact. Maybe you would find that helpful? She is connected with Bereaved Families of Ontario -- I know they have other chapters. Another organization is the Perinatal Bereavement of Southern Ontario, and again they have other chapters in other locations, maybe even the States, if you are there.

Carolynn


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you for your support. My husband and I are going to be going to be starting a support group next week.


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

Oh my, I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes from reading your post. No words here, just (((HUGS))). After my son Ryan died, dh and I went to a few counseling sessions, and they helped a lot. I pray that your support group helps you as well.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Dear Sarah,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is horrible to have lost a child. The only hting I can say is that it will hurt like hell for a while but it will also get better. I lost my daughter in July of 2003. I have no previous or subsequent children, she was my first and only so far. Please be kind to yourself during your time of grieving. Claim your rights as a grieving mother. you have the right to be alone if you want to or to be with people if you want to and you have the right to change your mind, even at the last minute.
There are also very physical symptoms of grief you may or may not experience.

Change in sleeping habits
change in eating habits
depression
anger
hallucinations (visual and physical)
listlessness
fatigue
difficulty concentrating or thinking
crying

also know that at first you will feel up and down very jagged, kind of like this /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ You will find your self sobbing and recuperating and sobbing again. It will feel like the bad days outnumber the good, you may not even feel like you have any good days.

eventually it will kind of smooth out like this ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your highs will not be as high and your lows will not be as low and the good days will slowly outnumber the bad.

Know that your son Luke knew how much you loved him. I believe that like nutrients, love passes through the placenta, and your son's life was only filled with comfort and love.

Please know that I will be praying for you and your son and your dh during these trying times.
Gossamer


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm incredibly sorry.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Thank you all for your loving words and support.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

thank you for sharing Luke with us

be gentle with yourself in this hard time

tara


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

I'm soooo sad to read of your loss. Did you take picture of your little one? I lost a newborn in 1998 and we have lots of pictures and have them up on the wall. We talk about her a lot to keep her spirit alive and well in our home and hearts. My children I have now know they have a big sister and talk about her too.

Let yourself get lots of rest. I know you're going through a difficult time phsyically with having your milk come in. That was very hard to deal with for me. Please give yourself lots of rest and take naps during the day. The empty arm syndrome can be hard to work through.

There will be situations that will be so difficult for you to be in, so think ahead and BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF if you think you may not handle it well. Any children under 2 years old, especially babies will be very hard to see for some time. People will hopefully understand when you tell them you shouldn't attend such funtions or what not. It feels completley irrational, but you're intitled to a little irrational thinking right now.

Most of all, remember you ARE a mother. You mothered Luke Harrison for 9 months. Your mothering instincts are stronger than ever now.

Please be gentle with yourself. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your husband.


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