# When child laughs and acts silly when in trouble



## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Not sure how to describe this. But it is infuriating.

DS1 (about 4.5 years old) will do something he knows is wrong, he knows I am mad at him/he is in trouble (most recently, he ran across the room and hid and peed/pooped in his pants, instead of simply going to the bathroom - all while I was sitting right there interacting with him) - and while I try to discuss with him what he did and why it was wrong, he laughs and jokes and touches my hair/face and just generally tries to annoy me.

What do you do with a child who is acting like this? It makes me so mad, I honestly can.not.take.it.

Should I just clean him up and not say anything, and maybe put a diaper on him to get the point across? I'm wondering if this would be bestm because I think the point I get maddest is when I am trying to talk to him and he gets all goofy and thinks it's really funny. DH tries to tell me it's because he's embarrassed, but I'm really not believing that one.


----------



## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Well for starters, I don't think you're helping him any getting mad about potty accidents. Just clean it up, remind him to try to make it to the potty, and get on with your day. Whether he's doing it on purpose or not, getting angry is not not not going to help.

Have you ever been nervous or frightened and laughed awkwardly or made a goofy joke when it was really not a joking situation to try to lighten the tension? I wonder if that's what he's doing. He may be afraid of you, or he may be trying to turn it into a positive interaction with you. In fact, if the potty accident was on purpose, that would be another sign that he's trying to get your attention.

What's going on in your lives lately?


----------



## todavia (Aug 11, 2006)

DP and i had almost this exact conversation earlier this evening. ds is 5 and will often laugh or make silly faces or try to turn it into a joke when we are frustrated or angry. i think it's partially about him just not wanting us to be mad at him (totally understandable) and trying to deflect the negative feelings coming his way and partly about a kind of defiance like "oh yeah? this is serious? uh-huh whatever" 

my ds also seems to be in kind of an in between space - caught between little kid and big kid AND has a new little sibling (congrats on your vbac! btw) AND just started kindergarten so we've got a lot going on. is your son maybe looking for some extra attention? how is he handling life as a big brother?

sorry, i don't really have any advice but i just wanted to say that i understand what you're going through and i hope you get some answers.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I think there are 2 issues going on here. One is what you put in the post title- the child giggling and acting silly when you need to discipline the child.

Secondly is the potty issues.

Are you getting mad at him for having potty accidents, or is there something about his behavior AFTER having an accident that bothers you? I know I'd get upset if DS had an accident and didn't tell me about it so I could clean it up or help him clean it up. But I would never get mad at him for having an accident. Sure, I express frustration if it's been happening a lot, but never anger at him. I'll ask him what's going on, why he didn't make it in time, etc.

Now, if he started fingerpainting the walls with feces, or splashing around in a puddle of pee, I'd be furious at him! Fortunately, he's never done either of those things. When he did have trouble making it on time, I made a point to gently remind him to use the toilet every couple of hours.

I've had issues with DS giggling when he did something he wasn't supposed to do something- like not cleaning up his toys, hitting a sibling or friend, throwing toys, etc. Mostly it happened when he was overtired and needed more snuggle time.


----------



## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette* 
Well for starters, I don't think you're helping him any getting mad about potty accidents. Just clean it up, remind him to try to make it to the potty, and get on with your day. Whether he's doing it on purpose or not, getting angry is not not not going to help.


I get what you're saying. It's part of why I'm asking, because whereas I knew when he was "potty training" I shouldn't get mad at him, and I really tried not to -- now he's 4 1/2, not 2 or 3. I feel like he should know better by now. I feel like if I don't show him anger I am saying it's just fine to poop your pants. And frankly I've got way less patience for it...potty training started 2 years ago...it should be over by now.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette* 
Have you ever been nervous or frightened and laughed awkwardly or made a goofy joke when it was really not a joking situation to try to lighten the tension? I wonder if that's what he's doing. He may be afraid of you, or he may be trying to turn it into a positive interaction with you. In fact, if the potty accident was on purpose, that would be another sign that he's trying to get your attention.

What's going on in your lives lately?

Well, of course there is the new baby. But he's 5 months old now, so I would think we'rre getting past that adjustment period. DH has been sick for about a week now, and while I can't say he hasn't done anything around the house - he does when he has times he feels better - he hasn't been consistently helping with the kids, so it's pretty much me taking care of both of them. That could be a reason he might have not felt he was getting enough attention today.


----------



## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

This is not related to potty (luckily we have not had any accidents unless they're very sick of course for years now) but yes, dd2 acts silly, runs away, laughs, when she thinks I am angry at her or just simply not pleased. She does not like stressful situations and reacts to them in this way. When this happens, I take 3 deep breaths, I go to her and I say I am not angry and I love her and can we start the whole thing over (more often than not this is related to getting ready for school in the morning or bed in the evening... ). I hug her and we start over. She wants to see a smile on my face, a real smile, then she will come back and start over. She cannot stand when I am making an aggravated face, even if I am not yelling or anything.... She is a living reminder of GD for me...


----------



## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette* 
Well for starters, I don't think you're helping him any getting mad about potty accidents. Just clean it up, remind him to try to make it to the potty, and get on with your day. Whether he's doing it on purpose or not, getting angry is not not not going to help.

Have you ever been nervous or frightened and laughed awkwardly or made a goofy joke when it was really not a joking situation to try to lighten the tension? I wonder if that's what he's doing. He may be afraid of you, or he may be trying to turn it into a positive interaction with you. In fact, if the potty accident was on purpose, that would be another sign that he's trying to get your attention.

What's going on in your lives lately?


I agree. The last time I peed myself I was about 25 (from laughing so hard with my best friend, embarrassing I know







). I think it is very detremental to punish a child for having a potty accident (even if it didn't seem like an accident).


----------



## mummy marja (Jan 19, 2005)

My DD is over 5 and still has the occasional accident. I know it's not fun for her, so we clean it up together as cheerfully as we can.


----------



## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thebee321* 
Well, of course there is the new baby. But he's 5 months old now, so I would think we'rre getting past that adjustment period.

I'm not sure I agree that strong feelings about the new baby end that soon.

Quote:

DH has been sick for about a week now, and while I can't say he hasn't done anything around the house - he does when he has times he feels better - he hasn't been consistently helping with the kids, so it's pretty much me taking care of both of them. That could be a reason he might have not felt he was getting enough attention today.
And if dh is home more than usual, that could be stressful, especially if it's for a negative reason like being sick, or if it messes with the family routine in any way.

The whole laughing when mom is mad about potty learning sounds very nomal to me. It could be about control and who is in charge. It could be nervous laughter. It's hard to back off about power struggles about potty learning but it is so important. (as Ruthla said it depends on how severe the behavior is.) It can be such a maddening time, I know!


----------



## mamabear&babybear (Dec 20, 2004)

I don't have a ton of advice as we are dealing with potty issues here and dd1 also laughs etc when I am trying to talk to her. I do want to say that sibling rivalry picked up for us when dd2 was around 5-6 months old. It was much easier when dd2 was a lump that didn't do anything but nurse. Now she can crawl around and get into dd1's toys, she has more comlex needs, etc.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *violetisadora*
DP and i had almost this exact conversation earlier this evening. ds is 5 and will often laugh or make silly faces or try to turn it into a joke when we are frustrated or angry. i think it's partially about him just not wanting us to be mad at him (totally understandable) and trying to deflect the negative feelings coming his way and partly about a kind of defiance like "oh yeah? this is serious? uh-huh whatever" 

This makes a lot of sense to me although I have no idea where to go with the information. I have told dd1 that her laughing makes me sad and that I'll wait to talk to her about things when she is ready. I think she is a lot like me and sometimes needs some time before discussing heated emotions and experiences.


----------



## thebee321 (Dec 13, 2003)

Thanks for the thoughts, I appreciate it. It's like I KNOW about the "even negative attention is attention" theory, but I just really don't BELIEVE it for my child. Does that make sense? I just never thought he would act like this, like intentionally doing things that are upsetting to me or DH. I just can't believe he would poop in his pants to get attention. I feel like he is so smart he should realize that's not the way to go about it. But I know I am wrong here, I just still can't get myself to quite believe in it.

It's not just with potty issues, that just happened to be what pushed me to the brink yesterday. When I'm playing with him lately he wants to mess up my hair or put things right in my face. I tell him I don't like that, and he does it more and laughs. Interestly, he was kind of weepy and sad this morning when we arrived at preschool, and his best friend was doing that kind of thing to him, coming right up into his face and being physical with him, and he did not like it one bit! This friend is a sweet kid, but he's VERY physical, and DS has never been that way; but I think he's picking up some of that from his friend.

Also, DS2 has recently started being a little mobile, so maybe he is starting to feel the sibling jealousy in a different way right now. I guess because he never says anything negative about the baby, I assume he doesn't ahve a problem with him, but that is probably not the case.

Thanks for helping me think this through.


----------



## pradiata (Jul 4, 2004)

My ds is almost 5 (tomorrow!







) and this sounds so much like him!!

He's an only, so no sibling stuff going on, but the laughing in our faces when we're upset, and the in-your-face stuff. Geez, it just starts to drive me up the wall sometimes, but it also feels totally normal. I just really feel like he's expanding/incarnating into a new phase. It's like he's throwing off the last of his baby-hood and moving into being a Kid.

The best way I've found to deal with this is to try and look beyond the behavior to the wonderful spirit inside, and even (when I'm really pulling on my best resources) to try to imagine I am him, and imagine what I would want. He's so little, and I have so much power in his world - I don't like for him to feel powerless. Often I'll tell him I need a hug, and we hug and kiss and cuddle for a couple of minutes (he gives GREAT hugs... when he wants to) and then we'll often get back on an even keel for awhile. The physical reconnection and looking in each other's eyes in a loving way really helps us.

I don't know anything about sibling rivalry, but I wonder if giving ds1 some special job with the baby would help? Like maybe making goofy faces during diaper changes, or picking out ds2's socks, or something...


----------



## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pradiata* 
The best way I've found to deal with this is to try and look beyond the behavior to the wonderful spirit inside, and even (when I'm really pulling on my best resources) to try to imagine I am him, and imagine what I would want. He's so little, and I have so much power in his world - I don't like for him to feel powerless. Often I'll tell him I need a hug, and we hug and kiss and cuddle for a couple of minutes (he gives GREAT hugs... when he wants to) and then we'll often get back on an even keel for awhile. The physical reconnection and looking in each other's eyes in a loving way really helps us.

Thank you for this. I know this is the best and only way for my dd2 as well, yet it is easy to forget at times. Happy birthday to your little one!


----------



## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Well, I guess in the situation you describe, my reaction would be:

1. "Oh, gosh... you had an accident. I'm so sorry that happened, that doesn't feel good does it? Here, I'll help you get cleaned up."
2. Clean him up.
3. Ask him if he feels OK, could use a hug, if his stomach feels OK, etc.

I don't know what else you can do, quite frankly.







He knows where poop and pee go, so he has other reasons for it happening... maybe it's a cry for help.


----------

