# Husband in other bed...



## Rippette (Apr 14, 2008)

Hi All,

We're co-sleeping with our 14 mo old. The past couple of nights my DH has slept in the guest room. I am kind of ashamed to say this, but the baby and I slept so much better. And, I think my DH might have to.

When I was talking to my friend about it, she co-slept for just a few months, she told me that she moved her LO into her crib because she didn't want her thinking that Daddy was sleeping in another room because he had been bad, or was unwanted.

I have never thought about this! How do you explain this to the child? Is it wrong to separate the family? Thanks for any input!


----------



## GracesMama (Oct 24, 2006)

We co-sleep with a 2 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 month old. The girls and I sleep better when Daddy sleeps in the guest bedroom and he sleeps better too, sad to say. For awhile, he slept there every night, but like your friend, I was worried about what my older DD would think, so I encouraged my husband to come back.

I'm anxious to see what others have to say about splitting up the family.


----------



## hipmummy (May 25, 2007)

Ds is 20 months and DHhas only slept with 15-20 times. That is the way it is and ds doesnot know any better. We all sleep well this way. Dh is not a safe co sleeper and I di dnot sleep well knowing this. I woke up one time too many to find ds with a comforter over him. Luckily it was a very lightweight feather comforter .


----------



## Quaniliaz (Oct 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rippette* 
When I was talking to my friend about it, she co-slept for just a few months, she told me that she moved her LO into her crib because she didn't want her thinking that Daddy was sleeping in another room because he had been bad, or was unwanted.

The above statement is really confusing to me. I don't think a baby would have this sort of complex thought process, but if they did, why wouldn't they extend that to their own removal from the family bed???

Here's how I'd explain it to a tot (although I don't think explaining is particularly important - just an understanding of it for yourself would be more effective imho.) We all sleep where we are best able to. Sometimes that means we can all sleep together, sometimes that means that daddy sleeps in another bed. Usually it means that baby sleeps with mom, although sometimes that isn't the most effective way to sleep...

When dd was tiny, we always slept together - now that she is 5, if she comes into our bed, and is kicking him or taking up a ton of space, as she is prone to do, he'll go and sleep in her bed.


----------



## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Quaniliaz* 
The above statement is really confusing to me. I don't think a baby would have this sort of complex thought process, but if they did, why wouldn't they extend that to their own removal from the family bed???

That's exactly what I thought when I read the OP. Your friend didn't want her child to think she was kicking dh out -- so she kicked _her child_ out?


----------



## zensven42 (Oct 26, 2006)

Maybe you should try having more than one bed in the same room, so everyone has their own space and noone has to leave


----------



## Mamato2and2 (Apr 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zensven42* 
Maybe you should try having more than one bed in the same room, so everyone has their own space and noone has to leave

This is what we have ended up doing. We have a king but when I got pregnant with #4 and we still had #2 and #3 in the bed, I decided that #2-who is 8 years old-should go sleep in her room and that #3 should sleep in a twin pushed up next to our king. WELL, that didn't work. Yes, #3 sleeps in the twin for a couple of hours a night and #2 does go to sleep in her room most night but by morning we always end up with #2 in the twin and #3 in the king. BUT we are ALL comfortable and have our own space....we'll see what happens with the new baby.....


----------



## zensven42 (Oct 26, 2006)

yup, it is what we do too. We have a bunk bed on the left. My 8yo sleeps in the top, and me, DH, or baby sleep in the bottom bunk. A queen up against the bottom bunk, any combination of me, DH and baby sleep in it, and a toddler bed pushed up to the right of the queen, in which my 3yo sleeps. Sometimes we move around, but everyone has room to sleep so noone wants to leave the room. It also makes me feel safer security-wise in case of fire, break-in, sickness, sleep-walking, or other emergency. We are all in the same room.
Oh, and when my DH wants his own space to sleep, he just takes the bottom bunk right off at the beginning of the night and we all leave him be.


----------



## VikingKvinna (Dec 31, 2003)

We sleep separately and have since DD was born, 2+ years ago. She and I sleep together (at first b/c we were nursing, of course, now she is nightweaned) and DP and 4.5 yo DS sleep together in the master bedroom.

We're not too worried about it. We think it's more important to keep the kids company and help them feel secure at night than to present some sort of unified parental-sleeping front. We also play musical beds pretty frequently, especially for naps -- anyone just sleeping in any free bed.









We don't have the room for a king-size bed, or we'd probably do that. We have thought about clearing out a bedroom and just lining the floor with mattresses, so we could all sleep together, but we don't really have a spare room to do that in w/o taking someone's private space away, and we are reluctant to do that.


----------



## Beppie (Oct 24, 2005)

Our family sleeping arrangement is a little messed up too.
When dd#2 was born, she and I moved to the guest room for 2 reasons:

1. because my dh needs his sleep in order to function well at work during the day and

2. Because we found there was such a cold draft by the window near the king-size bed.

So now, dd#2 and I sleep in the guest room (she's 4 mos old), and dd#1 (2 years old) and daddy are in the king-size bed. What we'd like is for dd#1 to move out of the king-size bed, and then dh, dd#2, and I sleep there together... we have no idea how to get to this end-result, however.

sorry, didn't mean to hijack this thread!


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

We've always been a "musical beds" kind of family- we sleep wherever everybody is comfortable. When I was with the girls' father, we had 2 beds in the same bedroom (he snored too much for me to be able to sleep next to him!) and the girls varied between my bed, his bed, or their own beds in the other bedroom.

When I was with DS' dad, DP would sometimes sleep on the couch, sometimes with one of the girls, sometimes in my bed with me while DS was in the crib next to my bed, sometimes in bed next to me and DS sometimes in bed next to me and DS and DD2, sometimes in DD2's empty bed because she was in my bed, sometimes in DD2's empty bed because DD2 was in DD1's bed...

Neither breakup had anything to do with sleeping arrangements.


----------



## Elastagirl (May 24, 2005)

Has your child asked about it? Honestly, this has NEVER crossed my mind as an issue! My husband had knee surgery shortly after our daughter was born and ended up sleeping in the guest room because it was more comfortable. fast-forward two 1/2 years and he's still there! But it works fine for us; everyone sleeps well and the kids don't seem to think anything is strange about it. If your child hasn't wondered or asked, there's no reason to bring it up. I'm sure it's "Just the way it is" to a 14 month-old!!

BTW, Daddy gets lots of cuddles with the kids in bed for storytime/naptime/hanging-out time. He's definitely not "kicked out" of our bed in their eyes!


----------



## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

Well...my DH sleeps on the sofa. Its his choice as well. We have talked about getting a sofa bed because I feel bad about it, but he just prefers to sleep on the sofa. We all get a better nights sleep that way!

He used to sleep with us when DS was small. Then we started to use the cot as a co sleeper (what I called our 'extenda-bed' lol) to give us all some more room...but eventually DH just could not take it anymore. He just can not sleep in the same room with us so hes been sleeping on the sofa. He says DS fiddles too much and makes too much noise... I guess I sleep through that. My mummy radar is on though so I do wake for the important things - unlike him lol. I guess we are tuned differently when we are asleep! hehe

And I have to be honest. I prefer it that way. In fact, one day our children will be grown and wont be co sleeping and I will probably still prefer to have my own bed! Its just where you sleep. It really hasnt been something I have given too much thought to as getting a good nights sleep, as thats the point of sleep lol, is what matters most!


----------



## zensven42 (Oct 26, 2006)

Well, we don't all sleep in the same room because we think it would bother our children if the parents don't sleep in the same place. I am not sure why that would bother a child if they don't already have a learned hang-up about it. If you act as though it is normal for your family, I think it would likely not bother the kids.

We sleep all in the same room because I think it is the safest way to be. We can stay in tune with each other during the night and parent the children more effectively in case one has to use the restroom, is sleepwalking, or sick. However, the children don't seem to think anything of sleeping on the floor, in the living room, in a tent or anywhere else they decide to. They don't seem to think that all together is the only norm.


----------



## MichaelsSahm (May 11, 2006)

Our son is 5 and we have decided to keep him in our room due to night terrors and such. Not only that, he just doesn't like sleeping in a room alone. So we just moved his twin bed next to our queen bed, its directly attached to one another and is at the same level as our bed (which was perfect so we didnt have to take apart our bed frames). Hubby and i sleep together and our DS is right next to us in "his" bed.

We're a FAMILY, i don't want my husband on the couch, i want him with us, where he belongs. and we're happy this way!


----------



## zoshamosha (Apr 15, 2006)

My husband is the kind of guy that likes to go to bed by passing out in front of the tv at midnight or 1 in the morning. So, he's very happy to go to bed on the couch. He sleeps with us in bed too when he wants to.

I just tell DD that daddy likes to sleep downstairs, because that's all it is.


----------



## AugustLia23 (Mar 18, 2004)

Right now DS #3 and I sleep in the bedroom meant for DW and I, and DW is in the guest bed. It works well for us, I'm a better mother when not expecting DW to tend to him when I know I should be. Ds and I and DW all sleep better. Our sex life has even perked up, though I'm not sure how, but I know it's related. Not sure how long it'll last, but for now it works, when it stops working, we'll re-evaluate.

I don't thin DS notices one way or the other, and As we are loving during the day, there isn't anything to notice.


----------



## JustVanessa (Sep 7, 2005)

Dp and I haven't slept together in the same bed since I moved in.







Baby isn't here until next month. Baby is going to come sleep with me. You do what works. Dp can't sleep with someone.
It hasn't affected our sex life at all.


----------



## Graceoc (Mar 26, 2002)

ummm..it's sleep. Our house rule is pretty much sleep where you will get the most rest. That means baby with mommy and daddy sleeping with one of the big kids (he trades off between the boys room and Ainsley just so that no one is left out







)

I actually *can't* sleep with him in the room, at least not until the baby is out (in another year or so) Nothing worse the being woken up by baby and then not able to fall back asleep because of DH's breathing sounds (I am a very finiky sleeper, baby dosen't bother me but anything else pretty much does LOL!)


----------



## Nicolek913 (May 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Elastagirl* 
Has your child asked about it? Honestly, this has NEVER crossed my mind as an issue!

Mine either. My girls don't seem to care or don't really notice since my dh has pretty much slept in their room since day one while they are with me.

I'm guess I'm lucky that it's just never been brought up.


----------



## wonderwahine (Apr 21, 2006)

my dh has been sleeping in the living room on the futon since we start co-sleeping, so for nearly 2.5yrs now.

I don't think its weird or needs extra explaining. Ds loves having a whole side to himself and he sees us hug etc.


----------



## Eresh (Jul 17, 2007)

My DH started sleeping in the guest room when I was in my third trimester. DH has to have a hard sleep surface for his back and I had to have a really soft sleep surface because of my hip pain. That and I'm a very restless sleeper and tended to kick DH in my sleep.

Then just before DS was born, we got rid of the guest bed to turn the room into DS's nursery (which he's napped in twice and never spent the night in .. but anyhow ..). Now DH sleeps on an inflatable backpacking mat on the floor. He's slept a couple of times in bed with DS and I, but it aggravates his back and he usually moves back to the floor sometime in the night. As others have said, whatever works the best for everyone to get good sleep.

We've talked about getting a sleep number bed so that we can each adjust the softness/hardness for our preferences, but we're actually both happy with the current arrangements. I honestly sleep better with more room to move around.


----------



## KimPM (Nov 18, 2005)

Since DS has been born, we've had sleeping arrangements that change every so often. We started w/ the crib sidecar. Then at 6 months brought DS in bed with us, between us. Awhile later we tried to get him to sleep in the crib in our room but not a sidecar, and he just wouldn't stay there very long before awakening. Then DH moved downstairs to the futon. Not very comfortable. We were motivated to try something else. Somewhere around 21 months DS and I moved to "his" newly setup bedroom consisting of a queen mattress on the floor. Then DH moved back upstairs to the master bedroom, by himself. Occasionally he sleeps with DS instead of me. I'd say whatever works for you, do it. I don't think at this young age that DS thinks about where mommy & daddy sleep, as long as one of them is right next to him!


----------



## major_mama11 (Apr 13, 2008)

We had this situation for probably 3-4 mos when dd was in early toddlerhood. DH slept in living room most nights; he was tired of not having space to sprawl. I think we all slept better- for a while. Eventually, I got lonely for dh, so he pushed a twin up against the queen. Now there is plenty of room for all 3 of us.


----------



## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

I think a lot of co-sleeping families go through this, it is without a doubt normal and the marriage will be fine. Besides, in many other cultures in the world you will find couples sleeping separately, some with kids, some alone, etc. It's not so radical!


----------



## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

Musical beds here too. DH often comes up (he stays up much later) to find all of the room in our bed taken (DD and DS randomly sleep with us - some nights they go to bed in their own rooms, and come in if they wake up at night, and sometimes one of them just needs to fall asleep in our bed.) He'll go to the guest room (and gets the better night's sleep of the two of us!







) Often, though, he falls asleep watching a game on TV and chooses (when he finally wakes up at 3am) to just stay cozy on the couch. The kids (3 and 4 1/2) don't care. I think that (especially little ones) are pretty much concerned about their selves and where they are currently sleeping, not really paying attention to any perceived needs or expectations about where their parents sleep - especially if that's the norm in your household.









If it's not an issue with you and your DP, then I don't think the kids ever pick up on who's sleeping where as a problem. We're cool with how things are in our home, so our kids are comfortable with it too.


----------



## rumi (Mar 29, 2004)

simplest solution, imho. romance (and life in general) is a lot easier when all are well rested.


----------



## Green Phoenix (May 17, 2008)

Everyone in our family has a double bed (or larger) in their room. We sleep where-ever it is needed. Sometimes it is with the youngest, the oldest or with the spouse....every night is different. Our kids are very happy that we are there when they need it, in whatever bed is available and have no idea in mainstream houses that "mommies and daddies sleep in their own room without kids"....


----------



## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rumi* 
simplest solution, imho. romance (and life in general) is a lot easier when all are well rested.


----------



## MamaRuga (Apr 23, 2008)

I am so happy to read about so many happy families with parents in separate beds! I moved into our guest room during my last trimester because our bed was uncomfortable. DD and I ended up staying there after her birth because of the complications I had. After over two months I really wanted to try to move back together with DH. Our bedroom is certainly more comfortable for me. But DH has really bad insomnia and if he gets woken up it can take hours for him to get back to sleep. It was hard enough for him to sleep with just me (I am an very active sleep talker); add a baby in and he just isn't getting any rest.

We all go to bed together around 8 pm but he usually gets up a couple hours later and then doesn't come back to bed until we get up (6:30 or 7 am). He has always been a night person and does most of his work at night (we are self employed), but he has been staying up much later since we have moved back into our bed.









So, maybe it won't be a bad thing for DD and I to move on out again. The only thing that I am not sure about is loosing that time together with DH. Because our sleep schedules are so different, we don't get that much time together for snuggling and just talking. We get a little bit of that in bed now during the evening.

But hearing about how many other families find that separate beds work well for them, I am encouraged that maybe there is a way for all of us to get sleep and still have a healthy relationship with DH! Certainly a better rested parents will have a better relationship!









Thanks for the thread!


----------



## delightful2boys (Jun 4, 2005)

I love this thread! Great to see so many creative ways for a family to sleep. I always knew we'd cosleep. I slept with my mom until too many little ones came along and I moved into a room with older sibs. My dad slept in a separate room b/c he couldn't sleep with all the littles in bed. I'm sure it was better that way.

DH and I slept with ds when he was born (and that took a little switching sides of the bed until we *found our spot*), then I slept in btn both sons when our second was born. Now ds9 and dh share a room and i am in the *big* bed with ds4. DH and ds9 read later than ds4 and I do. This is the way we all sleep well.

DS4 recently told me when he becomes a dad he'll sleep with his little ones and STILL sleep with me.

We all need to sleep.


----------



## NaomiMcC (Mar 22, 2007)

DD (six months) is in her crib in our room. I bring her to bed to nurse and then she goes back to her crib. She's never known any different - except when it was the bassinet. I would never make DH sleep anywhere else - or feel like he had to. It's our bed. Our room. DH and I sleep better when DD is not in bed with us. DD will sleep anywhere







: so her crib it is. When the renovations are done, DD will move into her own room this fall.


----------



## kailotus (Nov 15, 2007)

I love co-sleeping, because I love to feel close to the ones I love! After a hectic day I feel like its bonus bonding time. I love sleeping with my kids and I love sleeping with my husband . I don't feel like I would be comfortable if my husband slept in another room. When my husband and I were dating we had eachother all to ourselves, and now that we have had our babies, we have had to make a lot of sacrifices that have caused a certain amount of dis-connect between the two of us. I think if we started to sleep in seperate rooms it would cause even more dis-connect....and we'd end up like roomates instead of husband and wife. I am sure this is not the case for a lot of you who choose to sleep seperately, so I am not trying to make judgement on anyone! but for me, I would never have my husband sleep in another room. One of the greatest things about co-sleeping is the bond that it creates between mother and children and father and children and husband and wife!!


----------



## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

i would tell a kiddo that Daddy sleeps there because he gets too hot in bed with us! He still loves us, he's just too hot.


----------



## AlmostAPpropriate (Oct 23, 2004)

Hi, I mostly skimmed PP so sorry if someone already said this. My response is - try it for a while and see...

Nothing is written in stone. If after a few weeks you feel there has been a negative impact to your relationship with DH then change things. Or decide that the improved sleep is worth making the effort to provide whatever you/he was getting out of sleeping together in a diferent way for a while.

I know DH really really likes having me in bed with him. Oftentimes he'll wake at night and, just having me close, helps him fall asleep. So, it was a sacrifice for him to sleep separately for a time. We just had to find different ways to connect. And Im not referring to sex - for DH there is something really special in sleeping in bed with his wife. Honor the needs of all memebers of family.


----------



## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AlmostAPpropriate* 
Honor the needs of all memebers of family.

Yes, I agree! And that's what I see the various posters here doing. Just as I wouldn't make dh feel like he had to sleep somewhere else, so I wouldn't make one of our children feel this way, either. Everyone's welcome in our family bed!

If any family member ever feels that his/her needs are better served by sleeping in a separate bed, then that will be honored as well. I wouldn't use any protocol on what's "normal," to make this person feel s/he had to stay in the family bed even if s/he wasn't getting good sleep there.


----------



## cheery (Jul 29, 2004)

Quote:

DS4 recently told me when he becomes a dad he'll sleep with his little ones and STILL sleep with me.
ha ha ha ha ha!!! so we'll be seeing a new thread "MIL in other bed"


----------



## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rippette* 
Hi All,

We're co-sleeping with our 14 mo old. The past couple of nights my DH has slept in the guest room. I am kind of ashamed to say this, but the baby and I slept so much better. And, I think my DH might have to.

When I was talking to my friend about it, she co-slept for just a few months, she told me that she moved her LO into her crib because she didn't want her thinking that Daddy was sleeping in another room because he had been bad, or was unwanted.


wha?









i don't get this at all. by this logic, wouldn't the baby feel bad or unwanted if you moved the baby's sleeping arrangments?

anyway, as sears says, the right place to sleep is wherever everyone gets the most sleep. in our case, for now, that is everyone in one bed, but we have done other things in the past. whatever works is fine. don't worry about it.


----------

