# I'm losing it...feel like an unfit mother



## Phoebe (Jun 12, 2003)

I melted down yesterday...and the day before...and today. Every time I say I'll never react this way again and I just go postal anyway. Ds fights sleep. Always has to some degree but now, @11 months, it is completely out of control. I spend upwards of 4 hours out of my day rocking and nursing him to sleep. Yesterday after 2.5 hours I said forget it. I had already hollered at him, and put him in his crib to CIO.







I have NEVER done CIO before and I lasted 30 seconds. I will tell you that during that 30 seconds "oh my poor baby!" was not what was going through my mind. It was more like "I don't care if you cry or not!". I'm fed up. I got him out of there on principal...not because I couldn't bare to hear my baby cry at that point. I was crying, and he could just cry too...for pretty much the 1st time in his happy little life. It happened again today. This time I didn't let my self get too wound up. I just put him in his crib and he bawled for a minute or 2...just enough to make me feel warmly towards him again. I was at a loss for what to do. I had to put him there not to CIO per say...but becasue I was afraid I would hurt him. We rock and rock and nurse and nurse and I do everything in my power to lull him to sleep. He does everything in his power to stay awake. I watch his eyes roll back into his head. His eyes flutter and then he raises his eyebrows as much as he can to hold his eyelids up. Man is he good at it too. We fight against each other like this every day. My husband says just put him down and forget it. I can't. He's tired. He needs to sleep and I need to rest.
I feel I've tried everything. I can't lay down with him and nurse him to sleep either. I don't know how anybody does that. It ends up in a big wrestling match with my trying to pin him to the bed! He is GOING TO GET UP, NOT GOING TO GO TO SLEEP no matter what. He grunts and growls and he wins...and I'm fit to be tied at this point.

I DO NOT WANT TO CIO. But for a child who absolutely fights sleep, every time, I can't see that there IS a gentle way to get him to sleep.

Please don't flame me for being honest. I am a good mama and I LOVE my boy so much. I am of the school of thought that babies need to nap, and Mama's need babies to nap too. With this the way it is...I can't eat, pee, or wash his diapers...let alone have time to *gasp* relax for one cotton pickin minute!! As for now...my whole day is one big 'get him to nap' duty.

*exhale*
amy


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## gethane (Dec 30, 2003)

Well i really sympathize with you. I have a similar, but not exactly the same, problem. I actually don't mind rocking/nursing my babe to sleep. I've done it with three others. What I can't take is he starts to cry and struggle as soon as we start to try and rock and nurse. He won't even let me get that far down the road to sleep. I too have given in and just put him on the bed to cry for a little bit before picking him back up to try again. Twice, on days he was really overtired, he just fell asleep before I picked him back up. (we're talking 2 minutes max here).

I actually did try the CIO method on my first son (now almost 14) when he was about 16 months (the age of my current babe) and it was HORRIBLE! Letting your child cry for 2 minutes while you regain some equilibrium is NOT what I tried to do to him. We tried for one night. He cried for hours. When he woke the next morning, more crying and his little voice was hoarse and hiccuppy. I'd still take it back if I could.

I guess what I'm saying is you are not CIO. CIO is truly a different experience, coming from one who tried it once. You are dealing with a difficult sleeper as best you can. As I am. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. My other kids, also co-sleepers SLEPT at night. If mama was there, they were happy. My babe now is not happy.. ever. Mama there, doesn't matter, he still wakes and sobs at night and thrashes and cries and won't take the boob.

As hard as it is now, it will pass. I hope someone else has some better ideas.


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## onlyboys (Feb 12, 2004)

So, stop trying to get him to nap?

I have a child like you are describing, but I won't go in to detail here about why my story matches yours. I can tell you the result of choosing to gently parent him to sleep for 2 years, though. He goes to sleep on his own and without the slightest bit of suggestion for sleep time from me. He's three now.

It's a terribly hard road. Certainly. It's definitely the more difficult path, trudging uphill each time he got sleepy. It crossed my mind more than one time to leave him to CIO, just because I was so pissed that he was still awake. But, it was a choice that I made. Every day. Some days, every second of every day.

The end to the means though, is delightful. I love that he' so secure about bedtime that he gleefully tells me when he's tired.

Seriously, it seems like you are exhausted, fed up, sick to death of the sleep problem. I'd suggest not making it a problem. Get a sling, and when you need to wash dipes, clean, cook, etc, put him in it. Or a backpack, those are great too. When you need to pee, put him in the tub (no water), the kids love that at my house. When you need time to yourself, pass him off to your partner, with the full confession that you need some me time. Go outdoors and just let him wander, following him around without interfering. That always makes me feel a little bit "alone".

Much love and light to you. I hope this gets easier for you.


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## Phoebe (Jun 12, 2003)

Thank you both for responding. It just makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who goes through this.

gethane: _I actually don't mind rocking/nursing my babe to sleep._
I really love it too! If he want's to rock and nurse peacefully for 2 hours I'm game. It's when I've invested an hour and a half in getting him to sleep that way and he starts to fight me...that's what I don't like.

onlyboys: _Get a sling, and when you need to wash dipes, clean, cook, etc, put him in it._
I do have a sling but I find it hard to do things with him except for just walking around. He has been over 20 pounds since just before 4 months of age. He's now about 26 and I'm not very big. I have a hard time bending down to get things (diapers for one). And cooking has never been easy with him in the sling. I have thought though that maybe I should wear him around for 1/2 hour before bedtimes to get him relaxed. I'll try that...I just always assumed that tactic was for newborns. I'll try it now!

As for getting out side...that could be part of the problem. We're in Minnesota and that has not been an option for several months now. Spring is around the corner and that could be part of my frustration.

thanks mamas


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## ellensprout (Feb 3, 2005)

You totally described what life at my house is like. I feel like I am losing it too. I posted today, though not as openly as you. This no sleep thing is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and if you knew me and my life, that's a pretty impressive thing.
My daughter is 16 months old. She has food allergies and sensivities, as well as some other G-I stuff that we haven't figured out yet. She also have sensory integration issues, including "state control" which means that she has a hard time getting from wake to sleep and sleep to wake, excited to calm.
I spend huge maounts of time trying to get her to sleep. or at least I did, like another mom posted, I try not to make it a problem now, and often just let her go till she asks to go to bed, and then it is sometimes easier. That is not a forever solution, but I need to stay sane, adn Emma needs some success getting to sleep. success builds success. My thought go out to you.
Ellen


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## gethane (Dec 30, 2003)

I'd just like to reply to the suggestions to just not put him to sleep. I don't know about the OP but for me that just isn't an option. Slater gets so tired and cranky that basically he cries. He cries if you pick him up, he cries if you put him down, he cries if you try to play with him, he cries if you switch parents, the only thing that will work is to somehow get him to sleep. I mean seriously, he just cries no matter what you do. He won't nurse, he won't rock, he won't play, he won't go to anyone.

He's my fourth baby and I have to say I have NEVER met such an unhappy child. His natural state is crying/fussing/grumpy. Sure, sometimes he's a happy baby, and that's wonderful but this is just something else. I always thought that my first three kids were good sleepers, happy children, etc. because of some magical mom thing I did. Until I had a babe that was just hard. Everything about him is hard.

So while I'm a big believer in pick your own battles, sometimes whether or not a child should sleep is not one of those things.


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## streetkitty (Feb 6, 2005)

How many naps are trying to get him to take everyday? DD is almost 19 months now but somewhere around 1 she transitioned from 2 (1 hour each) naps to 1. I tried 1 nap following a few weeks of more and more difficult rocking! Whereas she used to go to sleep with 15-25 minutes, it was taking 45 minutes or MORE everytime- and then once she was asleep and I would put her down she would wake up. Once I eliminated the morning nap and put her down a little later in the afternoon- everything changed, including night sleep as well. We started the 1 nap at 11:30am (would last 1.5 hours at first), now she tends to stay up until 1pm but sleeps for 2.5-3 hours! Hang in there- you may just need to adjust your schedule a bit...FYI- dd only sleep ON ME (in a sling or just on my body) for the first 6 months of her life.

Regarding the sling- have you ever tried using a wrap to carry himon your back? Go to mamatoto.org for many step by step instructions and carrying options. Many times when my dd was tired and fighting sleep, she would fall asleep on my back while I was doing dishes...guess it was just too boring for her!

Good Luck!


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## Phoebe (Jun 12, 2003)

street kitty, I have thought of the 1 nap option. But I have tried it and he seems to need the morning nap still. So your babe would nap from 11:30 to about 1pm then? What was her bed time at night then? If Manu gets up from his nap before 2:30-3pm he is really messed up by 7pm, his usual bed time. This week though, since his naps have been so poor and he's been waking around 1:30 from his second nap, he has passed out in less than 30 minutes at 5:30-6pm! Last night at 6 he fell asleep in 3 minutes...record time.

gethane, I guess it just goes to show that all babies are different. I thought up until now that I was this really awesome mom because my baby is happy all the time truly. Even when he's overtired he's happy. So what is my problem then it would seem!


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## stafl (Jul 1, 2002)

have any of you looked into the possibility that there might be allergies causing the sleep issues? Even food allergies can cause the "fighting sleep" like you describe. But it's not that baby is fighting sleep, it's that baby is unable to sleep. For me, it's itchy skin, itchy crawly feeling all over and I just can't sleep, have trouble going to sleep, and/or can't stay asleep very long. Sometimes there's not even a rash or redness, just the itchy feeling all over. For me, it's usually from products with artificial fragrance in them, laundry detergent, fabric softener, soap, lotion, shampoo, you name it. But my oldest DD has a similar reaction to certain foods.


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

Naptime is good.







In our house unfortunately it rarely happens that I can put the baby down by herself for any length of time -- she'll go down, but something always wakes her up, usually the kids forgetting to be quiet. I usually end up sleeping with her in my arms in the recliner -- she's less likely to wake up if I'm holding her. No, I don't get that time to do things independently of her (and I agree that it just is more effort to do anything with a baby along, even if you wear a sling, even if the baby can sit on the ground playing with toys while you're working, or whatever...) BUT at least I get some rest, and that is so crucial to my not feeling like I'm going to lose my mind.

The other thing I was thinking about when reading your post was with my first baby I was constantly trying to get rid of him. You know what I mean, not for good, just for a few minutes...







I couldn't imagine loving anything or anyone more than I loved him, but to have to be so constantly in mom mode was taxing for me, especially the first year. It's such a big transition. Anyway, finally it occured to me that he could sense that I was trying to get rid of him and this was why I couldn't ever put him down without him waking back up. And eventually he started fighting sleep, because he caught on that there was a connection between that and my disappeariing. He was on high alert to try to prevent that from happening. Maybe this is what is happening with your son?


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## Phoebe (Jun 12, 2003)

allergies...that's an interesting idea. Ds isn't eating solids and I'm eating the same as always and we didn't always have this problem. He does have really dry skin though.

That's funny about trying to get rid of him. I wag him around with me from room to room, he sleeps on the futon where I try and knit. He is really never out of my sight. It just happened that way naturally. But I do notice that the more he fights, the more tense I get and consequently he fights harder. Maybe I should just put him down for 10-15 minutes and start over after I cool off.


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## dharmama (Dec 29, 2002)

Amy







You are a GREAT mama dealing with a difficult challenge.

A couple of suggestions, take what works, leave the rest...

ITA agree that mamas need babies to take naps in addition to babies needing naps. I look forward to her naps and a little time to myself. Here's some things I do...

Does he sleep in the car? My dd loves to nap in the car so I have transformed this into "me time"....I bring a cup of tea, a magazine, my journal etc. She falls asleep and I park someplace nice (I live near the ocean but really anywhere would do). I lock my doors and sometimes I nap too or I sit and read, journal, talk on my cell phone....whatever I need to do to feel sane. I also keep phone numbers of local restaurants. I have found several yummy (non fast food) places that will bring my food out to me in the car! Heaven!









Now that doesn't help you with laundry but...

I second the backpack. I have a cheap ol' framepack from a thrift store and it is the BEST thing ever!! I can do SO much with her on my back - cook dinner, laundry, vacuum. I find the backpack really distributes my 20+ pounders weight better then a sling.

Right now my dd is sleeping in my Kozy (ABC) on my chest. Not the most comfortable for my back but she is getting the nap she needs and I am on MDC - a win-win!









Another thing we do is strap her into her stroller and walk her around the house (we don't have a big house, we just make lots of laps) until she falls asleep.

I totally hear you about the winter being tough. I'm in New England and it has been the snowiest winter I can remember. Talk about cabin fever.









Hang in there mama. You are doing a great job!!









~Erin


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## streetkitty (Feb 6, 2005)

DD when first transitioning to 1 nap, slept from about 11:45-1:15/1:30 or so. Her normal bedtime is 7:30pm. The first week or so, she would get pretty cranky around 6pm, so I would take her out for walk, give her a bath or shower, give her a snack- then she got used to it and it become routine. As she got older- we would be out doing something, get home at 11:30, she would eat lunch and then go to sleep at 12:30pm. Now she can easily go to sleep anywhere between 11:30am and 1pm- depending on when she gets up. She usually gets up at 6:30am but we've had 5:30am and 6am wakings many times as well. It's just trying to find your son's best schdule. Watch him for clues- if he is showing signs of being tired- then try to get him to nap a half hour earlier the next dayand so on. You'll find what works for him- this won't last forever!

I saw a lot of people recommending a frame backpack. I never found this to be as comfortable as a wrap or an Ergo backpack (frameless, lighter) but find whatever works for you. I actually have an Infantino (I think thats the name) frame backpack that I never use. PM me with your address and I'll ship it you if you want it! But again- I found that a wrap or the Ergo was the most comfortable for me.


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## Isabello (Jul 15, 2004)

One thing that caught my attention in reading this thread was "usual bedtime of 7pm." I remember when my ds was born thinking that he would be always have bedtime by 8pm. NOT! Turns out from the time he was tiny, tiny he wanted to be awake in the evening and sleep in the morning. At age four, we are happy if he is "in bed" by 9pm and we will often hear him "reading" and singing to himself until far later. He wakes up between 7 and 8am...just like my dh, the night owl. Me, I'm a morning person and I frequently fall asleep BEFORE my child, 'cause I'm just so darn tired. If my dh is home, he stays up, or if we are home alone, ds is in the bedroom with me and he falls asleep once the house is quiet. I do the same thing for naps...bring him in with me with a few books and toys and say "Mama's tired." When I wake up, he is always asleep next to me. I guess I say all this to say is your ds on your schedule or his, because, believe me, the way my ds wants to sleep was sure not my idea







A few times we have had late evenings and our son has stayed up until past 11pm for fireworks, etc. with no problem and he generally doesn't seem to need tons of sleep. Oh, and I remember his daycare lady saying when he was five months old how she had to put him in a dark room without other kids or stimulation to get him to sleep. If there is action going on at our house, our son is generally awake!


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## amis2girls (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gethane*
Slater gets so tired and cranky that basically he cries.

That's us. If she's sitting by herself, starts fussing, and I miss the window she cries at everything.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

In response to onlyboys . . .my DD is three. We have never CIO. We still have sleep problems that range from tolerable to now bad (she wakes up for 1-2 hours during the night and lies awake in our bed, talking). She rarely naps. She sleeps for 10-11 hours per night (never straight) so I don't think she's sleeping too much, but 11 is what she needs. Thankfully, she IS usually cheery during the day.

She requires an amazing structure to get her to sleep "just right." For example . . .last night, she slept 8.5 hours, napped for 2 today (unusual), and is seriously fighting sleep right now, as I hear DH trying to put her to bed. He is just lying with her after reading and all that, but I hear her occasionally yell out. Yet it's after 9 p.m. She's been known to stay up until 11 if she even has a 30 minute nap (even early in the day).

I think some kids, as gethane says, are just not happy to sleep. I don't think it's anything we've done wrong (though I DO think I could have done things better way back when) and so I have no idea how to fix it. I have been looking on websites and books for years now, for solutions. I almost laugh when I come here because sadly, for us, it's all in vain.

I keep wondering . . .at what age will this not be an issue? It's getting scary.


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## bamamom (Dec 9, 2004)

Hmm...you mentioned that he is grumpy all the time. You have other kids so you know how babies can be...Have you considered a chiropractor?? My dd went from a placid happy smiley girl to a screaming raging bouncing off the walls monster a month ago and for two weeks I was at a loss. I finally in desperation went to a female chiro who specializes in kids and WOW. Within 2 minutes dd climbed off the table where she was adjusted and fell asleep in my arms. We are watching for food allergies as well. I can now watch and see the behavior coming and get her to the chiro before she gets out of control. The chiro said her neck was out, probably as a result of being engaged in my pelvis for 7 weeks before she was born. Now, we can tell when she's hurting and we go get it fixed.


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## mamaberd (Oct 22, 2004)

Pheobe- I agree with the transition theories. It took awhile for my DD to go from 2 to 1 nap a day. And as she grew, her naps were later and later in the day. It often took me a week of frustration like you described to realize I was trying to put her to sleep too early. But trying again in 1 hour didn't work because I filled her with breastmilk and she was good to go for awhile. I suggest you try to hold off nursing for as long as possible before trying to nap him.


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## Dechen (Apr 3, 2004)

No advice, but I have a sleep fighter too.

I can relate to many of the posts above.

She is also one that is CRANKY and then some if she doesn't sleep.

Going to one nap a day helped a bunch, when she was 11 months. I don't know if it helped her, but it helped me. :LOL I was able to stop micro-managing the *expletive* naps. I wait until she is reeeeeeally tired, and I nurse her to sleep for a nap.

Bedtime is a different story. She won't nurse to sleep at a reasonable time, so my dh ends up walking her in circles in our darkened house, vradled in his arms. She's 27+ pounds, I couldn't do it. I don't know what I'd do without him. She won't tock to sleep, either. She has to be walked. And she often fusses/complains/cries while he does it.

The good news - its gotten better with time.
The bad news - it still isn't good


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## JennP (May 4, 2004)

first I understand about the cold weather, we are in Iowa where it is slightly warmer but I truely believe fresh air to help. My mom said that my grandmother used to put the babes by a window that was cracked open to let them get a little fresh air. (bundle the baby up if the breeze is too cold) We have taken dd out for walks using an ABC carrier and a very large coat that fits over both of us.

I have also gotten over dd playing out side. If I am fairly comfortable outside then she can come out either in the sling or to play on her own I just watch her closely.

Another idea is the book 'The No Cry Sleep Solution', even if you don't beleive in sleep training it outlines some early signs for the child getting tired and I have noticed that if I start bedtime at the first sign of dd getting tired it goes SOOOOmuch better. In dd case it is rubbing her eyes, she will rub them fro a second then forget about it for 10-20 minutes if you let her. I find thought that I can rock her/nurse her/ or just snuggle and she is happy as a clam to go to sleep.

Hope this gives you a few more ideas.

FYI dd used to take 2 naps a day. Once she moved to the 1 yr old room at daycare she went down to 1 nap a day. On weekends we let her do what she wants somedays she likes 2 short naps some days 1 (long or short) and somedays she likes to go to bed early, which is the hardest for me to recognize because I have a little schedule in my mind like cleaning house, dishes and when she wants to go to bed early I have to recognize that and change things around.

Good Luck!

JennP


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## Sassafrass (Mar 3, 2004)

I've got a sleep fighter here. She is averaging 10hrs of sleep out of every 24 hrs.....awake every 45 minutes or so, 2-3 15-20 naps a day.....I am going crazy over here. I just do not know what to do anymore. I mean, I really need 8 hrs of sleep, 10 is better. I really don't mind the nursing all night, it is the no naps and no downtime for me. Even if she sleeps on me, she doesn't sleep very long day or night. My first 2 were great sleepers, 14-16 hrs a day including naps. With this little one, I have to be a parent 14 hrs a day to a cranky, tired, grumpy, fussy baby. She has always been like this, and eliminating allergens has not helped. She has no signs of allergies, at all. She is only happy in the sling or backpack if we are walking *fast*. I do cook or do some chores with her in the backpack, but if I am standing still, she is crying in my ears. Talk about demoralizing. It is so hard to get motivated to do anything when I *know* she is gonna be wailing. I took her to the chiro and she is fine, nothing out of wack. She sreams in the carseat(roundabout) has since birth. She is just a grumpy baby, and I haven't been able to figure out why. I really hope it gets better soon, because I have been having visions of CIO not being that bad compared to this. But, with her personality, she would be one of the kiddos that cries for hours on end.......I just do not know what to do.........I need her to sleep.......I don't have any family around to help and I am getting seriously burnt out over here.

Vent over......


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## keepin'itsimple (Jan 22, 2005)

Do you think there's a possibility that he's ready to start solids on a more regular basis? One clue to starting solids is that sleep patterns get interrupted, so maybe he's at the point. If you are delaying due to allergens you could go with some of the easy stuff like avocado and baked sweet potato. Hope you're having a better day today, mom's need naps more than babies sometimes.


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## Phoebe (Jun 12, 2003)

keepin'itsimple, I'm not sure if you were suggesting solids to me or the pp. It could apply to either of us I suppose. We have offered solids to ds since 6 months, every day for the past 2-3 months. The only thing he has shown interest in is Oatios. I have thought of the solids issue though. We offer a wide variety in many different textures and he just won't have it.

Sassafrass, I am so sorry for you







All I can say is I hear ya. ONce again I shouldn't complain. My boy is happy when he's awake. Except for the last few days. I am embarrassed to say that I don't think he is feeling well...that may be the recent problem. Ugh, I'm terrible


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