# It has been 3 months since having my Angel Emily



## Em'sMummy (Oct 26, 2005)

I have never been in a forum before so I hope this works. I had my first child 3 months ago yesterday (Tuesday July 26th). Emily was a beautiful angel sent from above. She was born still at 7:30pm at 38 weeks gestation. I had no problems during my pregnancy not even morning sickness until the last 4 -5 weeks. I started getting itchy palms and soles of my feet. It is known as Obstetric Cholestasis (this showed up in Emily's autopsy). My understanding of Cholestasis is: Cholestasis affects the liver. The bile acids build up in your liver instead of going into your stomach and breaking down the food. These acids then turn to salt and take the oxygen from the blood. This crosses the placenta and takes the oxygen form the baby. My Ob Gyn was checking for this through blood tests but it wasn't showing up. I had what turned out to be my last appointment with my Ob on Monday the 25th July at 3pm. Everything was fine the heartbeat was perfect as always. That night I felt Emily engage (which the Ob said was her last little attempt to get out) around 3am. The next morning I didn't feel well and I could feel something wasn't right but being my first pregnancy I thought I was being paranoid. At 3pm my water broke naturally and I went to the hospital with my mum and my hubby was on his way from work. When I got there there was meconium in my waters that had broke. The mid wife did not say that this was a sign of fetal distress. They then told me that I was 4cm dilated and half way through labour (I just thought I had bad pains like a period). Then they could not find a heart beat but said this sometimes happens due to the baby turning. They called for the Ob with his portable ultra sound. He just took what felt like a lifetime and said I am sorry the baby has gone. I went numb at that time my hubby walked in. I told him. Do you know I couldn't even cry I was to in shock. I had a natural labour with no painkillers as I couldn't have an epidural due to cholestasis and low vitamin K levels which clots your blood. At 7:30pm my beautiful Angel Emily was born at 7'7" and 52 cm long. She was perfect in every way except she had died from Asphyxiation (I don't know if that's how you spell it) due to the cholestasis.
I am slowly facing up to the fact she has gone. I have been quite strong. I thought I would have days of non stop crying but I have my moments mainly at night and then I feel a bit better. My hubby and I are now trying again. Most of the time I am desperate to get pregnant again and on the other hand I am worried it will happen again. At least I had a reason Emily passed away although that doesn't make it any easier but at least they can watch it if I get it again (50 - 60 % chance).
I would love to hear from other mums that have been through a stillbirth and are trying or have tried again for another baby.
Em'sMummy

Emily Born Still 26/07/05


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## fromscatteredtribe (Mar 27, 2003)

momma

i love the sweet way you talk about your daughter and I am so sorry for your loss.

welcome to the boards. i hope you find lots of love and support here.


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## Hayes (Nov 20, 2001)

There is a great site for moms with your condition. I believe it is itchymoms.com
I have a friend locally who had this condition.


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

Em'smummy,

Just wanted to give you







. Thank you for sharing your beautiful Emily with us. I am sorry you have had to find us, but this is a great palce for support.

My fourth baby Griffin was born still at 35 4/7 weeks on September 24th. He had a true knot in his cord that got pulled too tight. I too feel like I have been pretty strong, but have my moments.

I wish you luck with the ttc. I know how you feel about being desperate to be pregnant again. We will be trying again soon. There are threads about ttc after a loss.

Patti


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

Em'sMummy,
i am so sorry to read about what happened... i know emily must have been a beautiful little girl, and you must that she knew how much you loved her... i have never heard of cholestasis, is it extremely rare? it is so unfair!! there must be a peace of mind that comes with having an answer for her death, but it doesn't make it any easier to be without her. if you ever want to share anything about emily, your pregancy, or anything, this is such a good forum to do so. whenever i want to talk about coral, i know there will be somewhere that i can write about how i'm feeling that day here on the mdc boards. in real life, when i talk about coral, which is so sadly hardly ever, it makes people a bit uncomfortable, and even though i wish we could all just get over that initial expression of 'what will i say... what should i do???' on their faces, i usually can't, so i rarely get a chance to talk about her... but the thing is, in my life, she is so important! sometimes i just want to say 'you know, coral had the most precious chubby cheeks...' but, i have to stop myself because unfortunately what happened to coral and me and my partner is so out of context now with life moving ahead for the rest of the world. that is why this board is so supportive... our babies, our lost children, they will always be 'in context' here... take care of yourself, and i will be thinking of little emily today on my walk







coralsmom


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Oh Em'smummy....I'm offering you all of the hugs in the world.







: I am sorry for the loss of your sweet baby...

I also am the mommy to a stillborn angel...Ryland was born last month at 41 weeks and passed away seconds before he was born, and the exact cause is not known. We aren't trying for another baby yet--we're not sure if and when we will, but we have to wait at least 6 months per the ob's orders.

I wish you the best of luck making your decision on whether to try again for another baby. And many hugs and prayers to you...I am sure your daughter was absolutely beautiful...







:


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Hello Emily's Mom. I am sorry you had to join this sad sisterhood. A place no one wants to be. However I am so grateful to the ladies here. They have made this horrible journey much better. You are not alone. I am 4.5 months out from losing my Alexa. I still have many moments of intenese grief, but they are fewer apart. The sting does start to lesson. I think the hurt will always be there to some degree.
Post as often as you can. You are not alone. Sadly there are way to many stillbirths on this planet. Hugs & Love, Cristina


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## minimunklemama (Nov 24, 2004)

em'smummy,
thank you for sharing your story,i have tears in my eyes.I haven't experienced a still birth myself but i wanted to let you know that this is a great board no matter what you have gone through.everyone is so supportive,















for Emily,
take care,


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I am so sorry you lost your precious daughter. I lost my son a week after his birth due to a problem with his cord during labor - he was born four weeks ago tomorrow. I miss him so much. You are not alone...


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet Emily. My daughter Arawyn was still born 22 months ago due to an infection. Moving on and trying again was hard, but I am now 34 weeks pregnant. It is scary knowing that I may still lose him, but I am hopefull that he will be born alive and healthy. You are not alone in this journey. There is another forum here, Pregnancy After Birth Loss, for women trying again after their losses. It may be of some help to you.


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## butterfly_mom (Sep 8, 2005)

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter Emily. My daughter Bailee Elise was born still on 27 Aug 2005 @ 11:21pm. She was 39 weeks and 6 days. It has been a hard road to walk on. She would've been two months old today. I try to be strong for myself and my family but sometimes I break down. What helps me when I get into thinking fits is writing in a journal. I write what I feel and I dont think about it as much. I talk out loud to Bailee and I think about her as much as I can. Sadly, like Coralsmom stated, it is hard to talk to other people about their loss without making them feel uncomfortable. But just know that we are here to read what you have to say, to read how you are feeling. Things will get better. We are now ttc. Be well.

-liz


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Em'sMummy,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sure she was so beautiful. Our little girl is an angel above as well. We lost her 2 weeks ago today so it is all still very new. Her cord was wrapped twice around her neck and once around her foot and she was born still after an emergency c-section. I, like you, have most of my hysterical crying moments in the nighttime when things are too quiet. I have no idea right now whether we will try to get pregnant again -- I am actually afraid to think of it right now. I just want you to know that you are not alone and I hope you find some comfort here on the boards -- this group is so wonderful.


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## Naughty Dingo (May 23, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your pain Mama. I am sending you much love. I hope you can find support and comfort here among these wonderful women.

ND


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

Em's Mummy - Thank you for sharing your beautiful Emily with us. This is a wonderful place to come cry, vent, journal and share your feelings, thoughts and love for Emily. My Benjamin wasn't born still, but 2 days after birth in the NICU. Four months will be comming up Nov.7th. Dh and I are ttc now.....it's so hard not having my baby to hold. I want one in my arms so bad! Please feel free to share more about your beautiful Emily.


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## Em'sMummy (Oct 26, 2005)

Thankyou Hayes,
I have visited itchymoms.com on many occassions. It's always good to read in hindsight. I don't think I have read so much until I lost my beautiful Emily. I was devouring every book I could get my hands on that was related to stillbirths. I don't know if this eased the pain but I think it helped.
Thanks again
Em's Mummy


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## KYCat (May 19, 2004)

to you Em's Mummy.
My son Finn was stillborn 2 days after your beautiful Emily, at 37 weeks 5 days. I have periods of being fine, and then I just melt down. Today, was really awful. His delivery was on a Thursday so they're usually bad and today was the first day that I saw his tombstone set at the cemetery. I just lost it. OH damn, I miss him soooooo much.
We are ttc, although trying might be a bit strong. We want to, but we both know that it will be a LONG nine months.
Good luck to you. Please know that you can always vent here. It's hard to be in a world where people don't want to think about death, let alone the death of a child and have that be what you are thinking about at least 50% of the time. Whenever you wish to feel understood, you will always be here.
Peace to you and your beautiful Emily.


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## Em'sMummy (Oct 26, 2005)

Thankyou all so much for your hugs and support. It is so sad to see so many people have gone through this awful yet precious experience. I cannot believe how common it is all over the world. I was very naieve when I was pregnant. I believed once you got past 20 weeks everything would be smooth sailing - how wrong can one be. Thank you all again. I know this is a place where I can talk about my Angel Emily freely without thinking I am embarrassing people by mentioning her.
Em's Mummy
Emily Born Still 26/07/05


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## Em'sMummy (Oct 26, 2005)

Today was a good day (as good as can be expected anyway). Last week I was a bit mopy due to finding this Forum and reading everybodies beautiful yet tragic stories. I think it bought it all back.
I was at work today (I am a teacher) and I called out to one of the children who had their hand up and I said "Yes Emily" - her name wasn't Emily and at that particular time she wasn't at the front of my mind so it came from nowhere. That shook me a bit. The student said "my name isn't Emily" and I just smiled. I don't think she realised what I had done. Although they know my baby had died the younger students who I was with didn't know her name. In a different class (my math class) I have a student called Emily so that is hard to.

My Mum bought a beautiful gold locket for me when I was about 6 months pregnant and she was going to give it to me when I had the baby (a surprise). It has a mother with its arms around a child on the front (it is so special and beautiful - everybody comments on it even the students in my classes). When Emily died I told Mum I was going to get a locket to put a picture in of her and have her close to me always. Mum then told me that she had actually bought one for me and had had it for a long time ready for when I had the child. She said it is even more 'special now' which it is (because it was from her and for Emily). I feel really lost if I don't have it on now to the point where I get panicky if I leave the house without it. I think I feel it is so special a part of my Mum and Emily. My Mum and Dad were also at the birth of Emily (Mum in the room with hubby and me) which was a blessing as they live in another state and were just visiting so I believe that was fate.

I had this real calmness about death after Emily died. I was not afraid if I died there and then or in 30 years, I knew that oneday I would be reunited with my baby girl Emily and she would be waiting for me. Did anyone else feel that????

Anyway just wanted to write a bit. I find I feel a lot better after I have read and written something for Emily.
Emily - I Love you and miss you heaps.

Em's Mummy


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

Yes... it is kind of weird but now I am happy to die. My DH says the same thing... we want to live (most days) but if we die we know we will see him and that brings comfort too so now it is a win win. Of course I dont want to leave behind my DH and my DS#1 but yes what you feel makes perfect sense.

I am glad you had a decent day - I am thankful for those myself.


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

Thanks for sharing your story of your daughter with us.

My son Liam was born on January first this year, and died Jan 4th due to "birth asphyxia" (He decided at the very last minute to come feet first, and his arms were over his head and he got stuck.)

A very sweet momma I only know through the internet sent me a bracelet with all 5 of my children's birthstones on it. I treasure it, and feel like you described, almost panicky if I leave without it on.

I have seen looking back that I have really made progress since January, but it has been a long and hard road. Things do get better. There will be good days and bad days, but over time the good days will get to be more and more, and the bad days will come less often. Holidays are the worst, and the first of each month, for me.

I hope you will be successful in TTC a brother or sister to Emily. Pregnancy after a loss is hard, but it can also have moments of joy and comfort too.

Kathryn


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Em'sMummy,
I'm so sorry for your loss of precious Emily.







s My story is similar in some ways to yours. I had a normal pregnancy (w/the exception of GD) but my Reagan was born still at 36w6d. Her placenta abrupted and that was the cause of her death. I too was in shock after the eternal u/s and after the dr. saying that she was gone. I didn't cry either. In fact, I didn't cry until 3 days afterwards.

We are currently not TTC b/c I had a c-section and everything is still too "fresh." Best of luck to you and I hope you can find some comfort here on our sad corner of MDC.







s


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## Em'sMummy (Oct 26, 2005)

Just checking in to say I am going alright. Mum was over visiting and we went to a SANDS meeting together. I think she understands a bit more now about what I am going through and that you just can't move on. I still miss Emily more than anything in the world. But I am also grateful that she was in my life. She is the most precious beautiful thing I have ever produced in my life. Anyway better go as I haven't had lunch and it is very late. Oh and of course I still have my teary moments everyday.
Love Em's Mummy


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## Catrinel (Jul 18, 2005)

Prue, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your little Emily. It's still early days for you, the pain must still be so huge and immediate.

Love,

Cristina
mum to Dominic 6, Louis s/b Oct 2003, Sylvia 8 months


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