# WWYD? Question about adult pulling child out of class. **UPDATED Post #49**



## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

DS is going to a pre-school a few hours a week. I accompanied him today and during the class, the school director (large man) came to the door of the classroom and asked one of the little girls to come out with him for a few minutes. The teacher saw him and didn't say anything.

I know there may be nothing wrong with this. But it's been bothering me all day. Why would a grown man pull a little girl out of a classroom? There are so many cases of abuse in the news, I'm a little paranoid.

Anyway, I know I need to find out more about the situation in order to feel comfortable leaving DS there, but I'm not sure who to talk to: the teacher? The man who took her out of the room? Someone else? And what to say exactly? I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing or seem like a paranoid mom. Still, it has been bugging me.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I would start with the teacher.

"I noticed yesterday that the director came and took so-and-so out for a few minutes. I didn't think the children ever left the classroom. Why would he take just one child out? It makes me a little uncomfortable."

Even if it's completely innocuous (maybe she has meds she needed to take, maybe something happened earlier that you didn't see, maybe she gets therapy at school and the therapist was there...), it should make the teacher realize that the impression is bad.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommyintraining2* 
Why would a grown man pull a little girl out of a classroom?

I think this is really odd phrasing given the situation -- it should read something more like, "Why would a preschool director pull a student out of a classroom?" I'm sure there are lots of plausible explanations.


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## Mama2Bug (Feb 18, 2005)

If you're really, truly uncomfortable and have genuine bad vibes about the incident, you should ask someone about it.

That being said, there could be any number of valid reasons for a preschool director to pull a child from class. It could have been anything from a therapy session to a parent dropping by (but not wanting to disturb the class). As the director, I would assume that the man has many responsibilities to his students, regardless of their gender.

If a male high school principal pulled a young lady from class, you probably wouldn't think much of it. This is probably not much different.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I think this is really odd phrasing given the situation -- it should read something more like, "Why would a preschool director pull a student out of a classroom?" I'm sure there are lots of plausible explanations.

This. Off the top of my head: medication, follow-up to a discussion they had earlier, change of plans, wanting to show her something they had talked about, specials, therapy, phone call from parent, small group learning with kids from other rooms; "buddy activity" with older or younger kid, etc.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

She may have been related to him. You said only a few minutes so it was probably to pass along some sort of information. Did they just stay outside the door or did they go somewhere else?

Definatly ask the teacher.


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## Tiffany_PartyOf7 (Mar 1, 2009)

This is what I love about MDC. Any other message board and the OP would have been made to feel bad for even suggesting that there could be a problem with the scenario. But here are MDC the answer is - there could be a million legit reasons why it happen, but if your gut is telling you to ask - ASK!! I love it!! This is why I come here.

I agree - it's probably a completely legit reason and all is well in the world, but for it to have stood out to you, that means you need to ask the teacher what thats about


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## GranoLLLy-girl (Mar 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama2Bug* 
If a male high school principal pulled a young lady from class, you probably wouldn't think much of it. This is probably not much different.

Actually that would raise a red flag to me--I'm a high school principal and I never pull students out of class.


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GranoLLLy-girl* 
Actually that would raise a red flag to me--I'm a high school principal and I never pull students out of class.

Thank you! I was thinking the same thing! That's been in the news a lot, too and my high school actually had problems with this. One incident happened when I was there, and it was completely false and made up. (It late came out she was angry with him over tutoring ... or that her friend was angry at her and wanted to get back at her .. either way, it was completely unfounded) And a few happened after I graduated, like the band leader having sex in his car. With a student. In the parking lot. Of the the high school.

Anyhow, as PP have said, it was probably nothing. At all. I used to pulled out like that too, and it was always something stupid like, 'your mom called for this' or 'its time for this medicine' (asthma and lots of bladder infections as a child, not to mention allergies). But, also like PP have said, if it really stuck out to you and bothered you, definitely ask the teacher. I like what the first response said. That's a great way to handle the situation. Or even something like "does the director always pull them out to give them medication or something? because I don't want my son singled out and made to feel embarrassed".

Hope it all works out for you!


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## kimiij (Jun 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I think this is really odd phrasing given the situation -- it should read something more like, "Why would a preschool director pull a student out of a classroom?" I'm sure there are lots of plausible explanations.

Yes. The "grown man" wasn't a stranger off the street - he runs the preschool. I think there are so many legitimate reasons for him to pull her out of school. If you need clarification then ask the teacher.


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

It seems normal to me, but then I spent my school career being pulled out of class. I was a bit of a problem child, so I was removed for disciplinary action often (even in preschool), tutoring for my math disability, gifted classes, and for a while had to take my ADD medication at school...

I don't think it hurts to ask, though.


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## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhubarbarin* 
It seems normal to me, but then I spent my school career being pulled out of class. I was a bit of a problem child, so I was removed for disciplinary action often (even in preschool), tutoring for my math disability, gifted classes, and for a while had to take my ADD medication at school...

I don't think it hurts to ask, though.

It may not hurt to ask, but she simply may not get an answer, due to privacy concerns.

I'd suspect that if the reason for the pull-out was disciplinary or medical, they're going to refuse to answer the question anyhow.


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## Miasmamma (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caro113* 
Or even something like "does the director always pull them out to give them medication or something? because I don't want my son singled out and made to feel embarrassed".


I do know that in many places there is only one person who can handle medication of any type for children. It's normally the school nurse, but with it being a pre-school they may not have a nurse on staff full-time, so it would then fall to the director or whomever. Teachers cannot give out meds anymore. My aunt complains about it b/c she teaches 2nd grade and it seems like the kids are always sick, but they have to go to the office for it. Her point is that it disrupts her class with kids always leaving and coming back.

Ask the teacher for clarification, and ask about who administers the medication to the students.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommyintraining2* 
DS is going to a pre-school a few hours a week. I accompanied him today and during the class, the school director (large man) came to the door of the classroom and asked one of the little girls to come out with him for a few minutes. The teacher saw him and didn't say anything.

If he were a small man, would it bother you? I don't know why that stuck out to me, but the inclusion of "large" as though that makes him more likely to be a predator bugs me.

Anyway, there are many reasons why the director would need to see a student. But I think it's reasonable to ask about it if it's a concern.


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## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

Sorry some of you were offended with my choice of descriptive words ("large man", "grown man"). That wasn't my intention. I was describing the situation as I saw it and felt it. My purpose in posting this question was for ideas on how to handle it. And I really appreciate those who gave suggestions. Thank you.


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## newmommy7-08 (Feb 2, 2008)

I just mentioned this to my DH. He is a teacher at a small private school that is pre-8. Diring the afternoons he works as the assistant to the principal, and the principal is a man. According to him, if a student is needed somewhere for any reason he or the principal go and get them. It could be that they did something wrong earlier in the day, they need medication, or a parent is there to get them. Their intercom system is an older style one that when used announces to the whole school, so to cut down on interruptions they work as a messenger at times.

If the teacher didn't even didn't even blink at it, I personally wouldn't be too concerned. Also, like a previous poster said... for privacy reasons they probably won't be able to answer you.


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## mbbinsc (May 8, 2008)

Were you there when she returned to class?


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

My immediate thought was a medication, or that she forgot something and Mom was dropping it off or something like that.


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## earthgirl (Feb 6, 2006)

I am not quite sure why this bothered you. Is is just the fact that a man asked a girl to come out of the classroom? From your OP, it sounds like the only problem is that he was a man and she was a young girl, but maybe you just got a weird vibe or something? Honestly, I can think of several reasons that a director may need to pull a child from the classroom for a while, most of those already mentioned. And I may get slammed for this, but it really isn't your business why he pulled her. I mean, if she was going to therapy or something, that's just not for you to know. Now if you witnessed something a little more unusual, say the child acted like she was scared or uncomfortable, then by all means you should say something. But the man _is_ the school director. You are entrusting him with you child, whether he is your child's actual teacher or not. If there's something about him that bothers you on an instinctual level, then maybe you should pull your child from the center.


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommyintraining2* 
And what to say exactly? I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing or seem like a paranoid mom. Still, it has been bugging me.

It sounds like it's bugging you so I would ask. I would just say what you said. "I know I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing and seem like a paranoid mom to you but something has been bothering me." Say how you saw the director pull the child out and you were wondering what the reason was for. I would also mention that you understand if the teacher can't tell you the exact reason but perhaps she could give you several examples of situations where the director would pull out YOUR child (to make it clear that you aren't just "nosy" about this girl). Early parent pick up, medicine, therapy, etc.


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## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lindberg99* 
It sounds like it's bugging you so I would ask. I would just say what you said. "I know I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing and seem like a paranoid mom to you but something has been bothering me." Say how you saw the director pull the child out and you were wondering what the reason was for. I would also mention that you understand if the teacher can't tell you the exact reason but perhaps she could give you several examples of situations where the director would pull out YOUR child (to make it clear that you aren't just "nosy" about this girl). Early parent pick up, medicine, therapy, etc.

Thank you, Lindberg. Your reply was helpful and supportive. This is what I was looking for.

Yes, there was a bad vibe. Thinking back on it, there was a hesitation on the part of both the little girl and the teacher. And I didn't see her come back. Honestly, at the time I didn't pay a lot of attention. I just couldn't stop thinking about it throughout the day and wondered how others might handle it if they were concerned as well.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I don't think it's nosy because it isn't really about that little girl, it's about the policy of one adult being allowed to take a child out in the hall, as her son goes there as well and she doesn't like the idea of her son being taken out of the class by a lone adult. Which makes some sense to me as many daycares and preschools have policies that two adults have to be in a classroom at all times. If I were to ask about it, that's how I'd put it. "You have a policy that two adults have to be in the class at all times (assuming they have a rule of that sort), but I saw that a child was taken out of the class by just one adult. For what kinds of reasons would that happen? How often does it happen?"


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

trust your instincts girl!

When I was in highschool our principal used to walk behind some girls in the hallway so closely it made them uncomfortable, they could feel his breath on them. He had at times called me down to his office for "cutting class" and once it was for being in the nurses office and the nurse came and told him "I told you she was with me" and another time the teacher themselves said "I never reported her for cutting class"

I remember one of the times he called me down and he was staring at my chest and I told him "you can look at ME when you talk to me, stop talking to my boobs"... I got in school detention for saying that.

so maybe you have that gut feeling for a reason... or maybe its nothing, but its not like you are crazy for having concern. I wish more parents did.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I would ask about the policy related to the director removing students from the class. Like clarification of the circumstances when he would come to the classroom and remove a student.

I would stay away from asking about the little girl. The school is bound by the privacy laws and are probably not at liberty to discuss another child with you. Heck, at my dd's elementary school, they will not even send out a list that includes the children's last name.

If it bothers you, by all means ask but about the policy not the child.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Given the info we have in this thread, I wouldn't bat an eye. There are plenty of legit reasons a school employee would get a child from a classroom - many of them mentioned already. Said child's parent is coming to get her for a dentist appt. Said child has to go to the office for medication. Said child is in trouble for something and it is going to be discussed. Said child has an eye exam, speech therapy, lice check, could be a million things!

I get the feeling that if it had been a female principal, this wouldn't have been an issue. If the OP had said she had seen kids taken from class before, but this specific time gave her red flags - well, that I'd understand.

The fact that she felt the kid hesitated - again could be so many things. Maybe she was involved in something she enjoyed. Maybe she didn't want to miss something about to come up. Maybe she doesn't like taking her medication. Maybe she wrote her name on the snack table and knows she might be getting in trouble. Maybe her art submission won and the paper sent a reporter to take a photo of her for the local paper.

It feels like it isn't this specific incident that is bothering the OP, more of a nervousness about entrusting her child to other adults. If a principal was going to abuse a preschool kid, don't you think that person would do something a bit more subtle than pulling her out of class in front of a teacher, a parent volunteer, and 24 other kids?

I work at a small, private elementary. Our principal - who just happens to be a large man - pulls kids out, individually or in small groups, for a variety of reasons. It is usually to discuss something that would be embarrassing to the kid to discuss in front of the class. He is very respectful about their privacy. We also have had kids on a variety of medications that must be administered at school. I pull one little girl out many times a day to get a blood sugar reading on her as she is diabetic.

In the OP's situation, I would do nothing.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

If the director was a woman would it bother you in the same way?


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

I was about to ask the same question as TCMoulton. I think that there is a real level of prejudice against men in education (especially at a primary level) which simply isn't justified.

Are you second-guessing your decision to send DS to preschool in general? It seems- tbh- such a weird thing to worry about, I'm wondering how much of this is about the director and how much of this is about DS growing up.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Honestly, I would look for a different preschool.

It doesn't seem you are comfortable with a male director/employee. You can pretend to be PC, but your feelings are what they are. You yourself said that you feel "paranoid" because of the news.

Most preschool directors are female, so you should have other options.

What you described would not bother me. But then again, I have been fortunate to work with several male preschool and daycare teachers in my life, who really changed my mind about such things. I also think that folks who can't accept a male provider should just cut their losses and not put their child in a school where they might receive care from one. Nobody likes to be un-PC, but it's really hard on a good provider when the parent is constantly looking at them with suspicion and fear (people aren't as good at hiding it as they think they are), it often affects the kids, and it adds unncessary stress and worry to the parent's life.

So by all means ask about the policy, but truly look inward to see if you could be comfortable with a male director who does hands on work with the kids period. Some people will not be, and if you are one of them, you know that you can't put your child in that school.


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
If the director was a woman would it bother you in the same way?

That doesn't matter. She got weird vibes from a person and I don't think it matters what sex that person is. And what if she HAD gotten the same weird feeling from a woman teacher or director? Would you be asking her if it would bother her if the director had been a man?

OP said she had some weird feelings and is concerned for HER son so I think she should check them out. I don't think people need to start saying she has an anti-man bias or has separation issues about sending her child to preschool. This is most likely something that can be cleared up with a 5 min conversation with the preschool teacher or director.


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## JBaxter (May 1, 2005)

I would have no issue. The way our preschool works is the director is the ONLY one who pulls kids from class. If a parent comes early, the child needs to be informed a different person is picking them up, medications etc. Im with the others in asking if it were a female would it be different?


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GranoLLLy-girl* 
Actually that would raise a red flag to me--I'm a high school principal and I never pull students out of class.

This wouldn't raise flags for me. I mean I was pulled from class by my male principle for acting out. Would it be just as wrong if a female principle were to pull a male student for acting up? should we start haveing one of each sex so that its "safe"

Its sad that in todays age its assumed that a man is a bad guy untill he proves that he isn't.

For the OP. I don't think it would hurt to ask, but I suspect there is a very valid reason for what you saw. Here this isn't an issue as everyone, male or female, who works with children has to have a up to date (yearly) criminal record check. They also do monthly random drop ins, and every 3 months a full inspection. Unless there is a reason for true concern, its probably just something inocent.


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## sewcool (Jan 25, 2009)

it is interesting and i think asking is the right thing to do, if you don't ask you will worry about the girl and your child's safety. My guess is it was probably something innocent but why assume? Better to be safe then sorry right.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lindberg99* 
That doesn't matter. She got weird vibes from a person and I don't think it matters what sex that person is. And what if she HAD gotten the same weird feeling from a woman teacher or director? Would you be asking her if it would bother her if the director had been a man?


This is not aimed as an insult towards the OP, but I'm aware that I've seen too often racism and sexual discrimination justified because someone had a "weird feeling." It's a way of dealing with the unusual.
Having a male preschool teacher is outside of most people's comfort zones- this thread has come up here a number of times- and this alone is enough to ring most people's alarm bells. Be sure that your heart is leading you in the right direction and not acting as a false witness for bigotry and intolerance.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flapjack* 
This is not aimed as an insult towards the OP, but I'm aware that I've seen too often racism and sexual discrimination justified because someone had a "weird feeling." It's a way of dealing with the unusual.
Having a male preschool teacher is outside of most people's comfort zones- this thread has come up here a number of times- and this alone is enough to ring most people's alarm bells. Be sure that your heart is leading you in the right direction and not acting as a false witness for bigotry and intolerance.

ITA flapjack. that was what i was thinking too while reading the post.

its something i have experienced myself coming from abuse myself. many times i have ruined a relationship based on asking the wrong question because of the question i have asked to put my wierd feelings at rest. and i have regreted asking in teh first place. i asked without thinking and without forming the question in a tactful manner. today i think before i act and i really explore what i am feeling before i act on it. once those words come out of your mouth you can never take them back.

and i have had true gut feelings too and they are completely different than the 'fear based' gut feelings.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lindberg99* 
That doesn't matter. She got weird vibes from a person and I don't think it matters what sex that person is. And what if she HAD gotten the same weird feeling from a woman teacher or director? Would you be asking her if it would bother her if the director had been a man?

OP said she had some weird feelings and is concerned for HER son so I think she should check them out. I don't think people need to start saying she has an anti-man bias or has separation issues about sending her child to preschool. This is most likely something that can be cleared up with a 5 min conversation with the preschool teacher or director.

In the first post of this thread the OP did not make any mention of wierd vibes:

Quote:

DS is going to a pre-school a few hours a week. I accompanied him today and during the class, the school director (large man) came to the door of the classroom and asked one of the little girls to come out with him for a few minutes. The teacher saw him and didn't say anything.

I know there may be nothing wrong with this. But it's been bothering me all day. Why would a grown man pull a little girl out of a classroom? There are so many cases of abuse in the news, I'm a little paranoid.

Anyway, I know I need to find out more about the situation in order to feel comfortable leaving DS there, but I'm not sure who to talk to: the teacher? The man who took her out of the room? Someone else? And what to say exactly? I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing or seem like a paranoid mom. Still, it has been bugging me.
but she did describe the person coming to the door as a "large man" and a "grown man" which prompted me to ask if she would feel the same way if a woman was the person who had come to the door. I never said that she had an anti-man bias, just wondered if the fact that he was a man had made a difference in her reaction.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
Here this isn't an issue as everyone, male or female, who works with children has to have a up to date (yearly) criminal record check.

Unless there's more to it than the OP has said, there's nothing that would worry me. However, I don't get your point here at all. Criminal record checks provide nothing but a false sense of security, imo. A clean criminal record just means someone hasn't been caught - it doesn't mean they haven't done anything. I don't care what someone's record says, or whether or not they have a penis - I care what my personal gut feeling about that person is.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lindberg99* 
That doesn't matter. She got weird vibes from a person and I don't think it matters what sex that person is. And what if she HAD gotten the same weird feeling from a woman teacher or director? Would you be asking her if it would bother her if the director had been a man?

OP said she had some weird feelings and is concerned for HER son so I think she should check them out. I don't think people need to start saying she has an anti-man bias or has separation issues about sending her child to preschool. This is most likely something that can be cleared up with a 5 min conversation with the preschool teacher or director.

i was thinking the same thing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Unless there's more to it than the OP has said, there's nothing that would worry me. However, I don't get your point here at all. *Criminal record checks provide nothing but a false sense of security, imo.* A clean criminal record just means someone hasn't been caught - it doesn't mean they haven't done anything. I don't care what someone's record says, or whether or not they have a penis - I care what my personal gut feeling about that person is.

ITA with everything you said, especially the bolded. The only part I dont agree with is I can't say that that experience as she explained it wouldnt bother me - I wasnt there, so I don't know if it would bother me. on paper it's fine, but if I were there I may or may not have had the same "gut feeling" which is what should be trusted IMO


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
ITA with everything you said, especially the bolded. The only part I dont agree with is I can't say that that experience as she explained it wouldnt bother me - I wasnt there, so I don't know if it would bother me. on paper it's fine, but if I were there I may or may not have had the same "gut feeling" which is what should be trusted IMO

That's what I meant about "more than she said in the OP". The incident, as she described it, doesn't concern me at all. She asked why a grown man would pull a young girl out of a classroom, and in this context, I don't even understand the question.


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## 2mama (Feb 3, 2006)

I would just ask in a nonaccusing way. You could say something like, When I was in class the other day I noticed that the director took a child out of the class room for a few minutes, I was not aware that a child could be pulled from the classroom, is this a common occurance. If it is you could follow that up by talking with the director and making it be known that you do not want your child to be taken out of class unless you request otherwise.

Be honest and if you feel uncomfortable with the responses given then I would take your child out. You have the right to feel comfortable sending your child to school.









Good luck!


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
If the director was a woman would it bother you in the same way?

I would trust a woman alone with my child over a man. It may be discrimination, but it's based in fact.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Unless there's more to it than the OP has said, there's nothing that would worry me. However, I don't get your point here at all. Criminal record checks provide nothing but a false sense of security, imo. A clean criminal record just means someone hasn't been caught - it doesn't mean they haven't done anything. I don't care what someone's record says, or whether or not they have a penis - I care what my personal gut feeling about that person is.

True enough. However I personally would never place my child in the care of a childcare, preschool, or school that didn't enforce a criminal record check.

To assume that the record is clean only because a person hasn't been caught is to put undo guilt onto that person.

I don't know the gritty details and regulation in the US, but where I am they're very stricked.

My point was that there is a pro-active means of preventing abuse whenever possible. Yes it still can happen, and thats tragic, but at least there is a hard core attempt.

I just don't think that the world should live in fear and people who would never harm a child, like "Large men" who have never and likly never will do anything. People who are innocent are being lumped in with those who would do harm. kwim?


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
I would trust a woman alone with my child over a man. It may be discrimination, but it's based in fact.

which can also be faulty. After all female techers and care providers can harm a child just as much as any man.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
True enough. However I personally would never place my child in the care of a childcare, preschool, or school that didn't enforce a criminal record check.

I would, depending on the other rules they have in place. I feel far, far more secure about the "always two people with the child" type of rule than I do with record checks.

Quote:

To assume that the record is clean only because a person hasn't been caught is to put undo guilt onto that person.
I agree, but I'm not doing that. I'm not assuming anything...including that a person is safe just because they don't have a record.

Quote:

I don't know the gritty details and regulation in the US, but where I am they're very stricked.
I'm not in the US. I'm in BC. I have no idea what the rules are here, either, because none of my kids have ever been in preschool or daycare. DS2 will be doing preschool next year, but I've been watching the teachers interact with the students for weeks/months (they operate out of the same facility where my children take swimming lessons).

Quote:

My point was that there is a pro-active means of preventing abuse whenever possible. Yes it still can happen, and thats tragic, but at least there is a hard core attempt.
I don't mind that people are pro-active. It's just that the "it's not a problem here, because we have record checks" mindset worries me. It's great to know that convicted pedophiles won't be allowed near my children (I believe we do have the same requirement - just not 100% sure)...but that doesn't mean they're necessarily safe. (Neither of the men who molested me had a record, to the best of my knowledge. I _know_ one of them didn't.)

Quote:

I just don't think that the world should live in fear and people who would never harm a child, like "Large men" who have never and likly never will do anything. People who are innocent are being lumped in with those who would do harm. kwim?
That's because there's no way to tell, and we've become paranoid about men. My stepbrother stopped working as a Cub Scout leader, even though he loves the program, because he started getting weird looks from other parents when they found out that he didn't have a son in Cubs (my step-nephew? had moved up to Scouts) but was still involved. That kind of mindset really freaks me out. Honestly, the OP has no idea if the preschool director is a pervert or not. Neither do I. I don't, however, see anything in her post to suggest anything out of line is going on. In the absence of any gut feeling about the guy (and I wasn't there, so have no idea if there would or wouldn't be one), I wouldn't even have thought twice about it.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

I work full time so my girls are in full time daycare so yes I do know the system here VERY well.

The criminal record check is only the first step, but it is importent to me. I want to know if there is someone who DOES have a record working near my children. Of course there are other regulations that are importent. Like the sudent teacher ratio, routines, what types of food are served, what disapline is used.

I was mulested as a child by a close family member. I am not blind to what can happen. I know first hand it can.

I choose not to assume every man out there is out to hurt my daughters. I choose to trust people. I choose to put the past in the past. Not an easy task.

Its trully sad the state that we have now found ourselves in, when a grown man who is doing HIS JOB is assumed to be doing something dispicable and wrong. It makes me sick to see all the unnessisary fear and anxiaty people put themselves through. Statistically girls are more likly to me mulested by family then they are by strangers. So should we never leave them alone with their father? Uncle? Grandfathers? any other male family member?

I'm not saying we should let our children run off with just anyone, not by a long shot. But we also need to trust that most men are good people. They will not and have not hurt our children.

Having had my children in the daycare system for 3 years, and having worked with it for 10 years, its set up to keep our children safe. I mean in my daughter daycare they even have a security door, they have a pick up list, and they make you show ID. Because of how parents are so parinoid now adays, no worker is EVER alone with the children.

Most daycares allow for random parental check-ups. Ours has a room you can go to with a double sided mirror so the kids can't see you but you can watch them. It is a safe place for my girls and they love it there.


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## MOMYS (Nov 5, 2008)

I think if it made you uncomfortable you should ask about it in a non-confrontational way!


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

i agree lots of good reasons but ask if you feel like you should. And if you feel uncomfortable with your child being pulled at any time i would make it clear to the teacher and the director that you need to be there if your dc is going to be isolated from other students at any point. When it comes to your childs education and safety you can never be too observant.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
I would trust a woman alone with my child over a man. It may be discrimination, but it's based in fact.

What fact is it based in? There have been several news stories of female teachers that have taken advantage of their male students, it does happen.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Men are more likely to sexually abuse pre-pubescent children. Men and women are equally likely to sexually abuse pubescent and post-pubescent children. Men and women are equally likely to abuse children in non-sexual ways. Actually, women are more likely to, but just because they have more access. I've studied this - it was 10 years ago but I bet the info is roughly the same. Anyway, that child would be less likely to be *sexually* abused by a woman, but there are lots of different kinds of abuse and she certainly could still be abused.


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## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

So I checked. It was her father.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Glad that everything turned out okay.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommyintraining2* 
So I checked. It was her father.

Anyone else reading this thread, get to this point, and then think, Wow! We are a bunch of paranoid and suspicious mommas?


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbieB* 
Anyone else reading this thread, get to this point, and then think, Wow! We are a bunch of paranoid and suspicious mommas?











Perhaps this should be remembered in the future.

Perhaps it should also be considered why we jump to such outlandish ideas over something as innocent as a Daddy talking to a daughter.

-Angela


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## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbieB* 
Anyone else reading this thread, get to this point, and then think, Wow! We are a bunch of paranoid and suspicious mommas?

No, I don't. When it comes to the safety of my children, I will always check into it.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbieB* 
Anyone else reading this thread, get to this point, and then think, Wow! We are a bunch of paranoid and suspicious mommas?

No.

I think that perhaps most people are too willing to immediately label any man as a predator without actually listening to their instinct vs. prejudice, but it's not without some good reason behind it. And most of the men I know (including DH) who have/work with kids have told me that they're used to it, it's frankly just part of life.

I would never tell someone to ignore their instincts, only perhaps to broaden them if they only focused on men vs. anyone.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

I wouldn't tell someone to ignore their instincts either, but it's a pretty good pointer that our "instincts" are pretty messed up when the mere sight of a father with his daughter sets off alarm bells.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbieB* 
Anyone else reading this thread, get to this point, and then think, Wow! We are a bunch of paranoid and suspicious mommas?

Yes, and I was kind of offended by the implication that men should not be unsupervised around young children, especially girls. What does that teach our sons and daughters about themselves, and each other?


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## earthgirl (Feb 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommyintraining2* 
So I checked. It was her father.

I'm glad everything is fine, but also a little confused. Are you saying the man that pulled her out of the classroom was her father? Did I read your post wrong about him being the director or did I miss a post or something? Just trying to get clarification b/c maybe I got really confused somewhere along the way.


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## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I'm glad everything is fine, but also a little confused. Are you saying the man that pulled her out of the classroom was her father? Did I read your post wrong about him being the director or did I miss a post or something? Just trying to get clarification b/c maybe I got really confused somewhere along the way.

He's the director and her father.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peainthepod* 
Yes, and I was kind of offended by the implication that men should not be unsupervised around young children, especially girls. What does that teach our sons and daughters about themselves, and each other?









Well, it teaches men that they aren't good enough to look after our children, sometimes even their own, and disempowers them. It teaches our sons that sexual violence is anticipated, that sexual violence has power. It teaches our girls that sexual violence is to be anticipated, powerful, something to fear. And so the circle goes on.


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## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

Unsubscribing from this thread.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flapjack* 
Well, it teaches men that they aren't good enough to look after our children, sometimes even their own, and disempowers them. It teaches our sons that sexual violence is anticipated, that sexual violence has power. It teaches our girls that sexual violence is to be anticipated, powerful, something to fear. And so the circle goes on.

It teaches young boys that they are inherently untrustworthy, potentially violent, dangerous, born evil. It teaches little girls that all men are inherently untrustworthy, potentially violent, dangerous, born evil. And maybe sometimes it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because if a little boy absorbs the message for long enough, if he's going to be damned no matter how good and loving and safe he is, why shouldn't he earn his reputation?








:


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I wouldn't tell someone to ignore their instincts either, but it's a pretty good pointer that our "instincts" are pretty messed up when the mere sight of a father with his daughter sets off alarm bells.

Yes.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Perhaps this should be remembered in the future.

Perhaps it should also be considered why we jump to such outlandish ideas over something as innocent as a Daddy talking to a daughter.


Absolutely agreed.


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## earthgirl (Feb 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthgirl* 
I'm glad everything is fine, but also a little confused. Are you saying the man that pulled her out of the classroom was her father? Did I read your post wrong about him being the director or did I miss a post or something? Just trying to get clarification b/c maybe I got really confused somewhere along the way.

Totally clear now.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I found this thread interesting. Of course, I came in late and skipped it all to find the outcome before reading everything (kinda feels like cheating!).

I do think we have developed a parinoia in our sociaty against men and little girls. It is kinda sad too. (Not that it is totally undeserved.) And many times I think people just don't MYOB enough.

But opinion is weighed with having the experience of a BIG (6ft 4in), hairy, gruff looking DH and four little daughters over the years. Granted, now they are grown up, but at a point they were little. And I know he got some looks, and some thoughts, especially when one of them had a bad day and was kicking or screaming, or perhaps even hurt.










I get so angry when I think of men being labled as "potential preditors" just because of their size and gender.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommyintraining2* 
So I checked. It was her father.

wow never in a million years would i have thought of that.


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flapjack* 
Well, it teaches men that they aren't good enough to look after our children, sometimes even their own, and disempowers them. It teaches our sons that sexual violence is anticipated, that sexual violence has power. It teaches our girls that sexual violence is to be anticipated, powerful, something to fear. And so the circle goes on.


Thank you for saying all that.


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