# lost my son at 38 weeks, still so empty



## heidsz (Mar 2, 2006)

Yesterday it has been 2 months since my son Chase was born stillborn. I lost him at 38 weeks and just had an appointment 5 days before with an ultrasound and stress test. All were normal. We still are not sure what happened, nothing was remarkable on the autopsy. I am still waiting for my bloodwork to come back for possible clotting factors, but my OB thinks it was just a fluke.

I still feel like I have a hole in my heart. He looked like a perfect little angel. Just wanted to post about him. It is the hardest thing to have gone through that is for sure. I do have a 5 year old daughter who I have been blessed with, but I still mourn for Chase. We also had fertility issues so now I am going to have to go back through all that with my RE to get pregnant again.

I feel like I can't get anything done, except what I need to do for my daughter and husband. I just can't think about other things. It is horrible being like this, but I just can't snap out of it.

Take care,
Heidi


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## KensJen (Dec 1, 2003)

mama. I am so sorry you lost your sweet Chase. Please come here to talk about him whenever you need to.


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

I' m so sorry that your lost your beautiful baby boy.
Something traumatic and terrible and unfair has happened to you, and you need lots and lots of time to heal. If you are just getting by 2 months after his death, then that is more than good enough at this point.
It won't always be as bad as it is right now. I did feel that about 2 months after my loss was a turning point where I was able to let happiness come back into my life, bit by bit. Hopefully, the longing and the pain will start to ease up for you sometime in the coming month.
Please come here to talk about Chase anytime you need to. I hope you also have a good place in real life where you can talk about him...close friend, therapist, grief counselor, support group, etc. Having someone to go to for grief counseling, and a support group, were two things I was afraid to try, but I'm so glad I did.


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## firemommaof1 (Jul 3, 2006)

I am so very sorry. I hope you find an answer... the unknown is awful.








Chase


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I have tears in my eyes. I am so sorry, mama. It's just not fair.


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## yogabear (Mar 8, 2007)

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there were words to say to help make the pain go away.


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## jenmk (Apr 28, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart is aching for you and Chase.

Hugs, mama.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I am so sorry! That is so sad.







:


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## Len (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm so sorry to hear about your profound loss. Nobody should ever go through this kind of pain. The pain will never go away, and the hole you feel in your heart is here to stay. But with time you will be able to have a life again and even function normally, one day at a time.

Your son will never be forgotten.







Chase


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## gabry (Jan 21, 2004)

I am so sorry you lost your baby. I don't imagine this is something anyone can just "snap out of", and like a pp poster said, making it through the days and taking care of your family is a major accomplishment at this time.


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## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious son.








Chase


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heidsz* 
Yesterday it has been 2 months since my son Chase was born stillborn. I lost him at 38 weeks and just had an appointment 5 days before with an ultrasound and stress test. All were normal. We still are not sure what happened, nothing was remarkable on the autopsy. I am still waiting for my bloodwork to come back for possible clotting factors, but my OB thinks it was just a fluke.

I still feel like I have a hole in my heart. He looked like a perfect little angel. Just wanted to post about him. It is the hardest thing to have gone through that is for sure. I do have a 5 year old daughter who I have been blessed with, but I still mourn for Chase. We also had fertility issues so now I am going to have to go back through all that with my RE to get pregnant again.

I feel like I can't get anything done, except what I need to do for my daughter and husband. I just can't think about other things. It is horrible being like this, but I just can't snap out of it.

Take care,
Heidi









I'm so sorry








Chase


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

My heart is broken for you. I can't even imagine your pain, mama, I am so sorry for your loss


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## PeonyJen (Jan 19, 2005)

I'm so deeply sorry for loss. If it's OK, I'm going to pray for you.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss


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## CaraNicole (Feb 28, 2007)

I'm so sorry.


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Chase.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I am so very sorry.







We're here for you if you need to talk, yell, whatever.

Chase will always be a part of you. Don't feel you need to "get over" anything, he is your son- plain and simple. I hate it when people expect us to just get over a loss, they really don't know what they are talking about.

I'm sure Chase was a beautiful little boy. Love him as you do your other child, even though he is gone.


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## starlightsound (Feb 18, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
Don't feel you need to "get over" anything, he is your son- plain and simple. I hate it when people expect us to just get over a loss, they really don't know what they are talking about.

I'm sure Chase was a beautiful little boy. Love him as you do your other child, even though he is gone.









I second this. You have every right to feel the way you do. Be gentle with yourself and love him and the time you had together, even as short as it was. It's been five months since I lost my son, and every day still revolves around the loss. It gets easier, but it will never really leave you... may you find peace...

Gillian


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## mamaana (Sep 21, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss mama
















Chase


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## heidsz (Mar 2, 2006)

Thanks so much for all the kind words. I really appreciate it. Here is a site I created so my relatives that live out of state could see him. He just looks like a precious little sleeping baby.

www.chase-zeigler.memory-of.com

It is hard. Some days are better than others. I know I am "coping" better than I was in the beginning but I just feel this cloud over me and the joy is just not the same. I hope it comes back sometime. I really am trying to give it to God but it is hard.

Thanks for listening and all your kind words,
Heidi


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

Heidi, he's just beautiful.








I know what you mean about the cloud hanging over you and the joy not being the same. Two or three months ago, I felt like the cloud of sadness took up a good 80% of me. I was functioning on the outside and not bursting into tears every 10 minutes, but I didn't feel I had the capacity to just be...happy.
Now, most days, I feel like the sadness is only 20% of me. I can feel okay or even happy most of the time. I do have bad days where the longing overwhelms me, but they are less frequent.
Keep on healing. I hope you start being able to have more good days than bad days not too long from now.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

I am sorry. It takes a LOT of time to get back to feeling normal. You just put one step in front of the other, lower your standards on things you can't bear to do, ask for help if you need it. Above all, trust that although the sadness is always going to be there at some level, the day will come when you will go a few hours without thinking about it, then half a day, then one day you will realize it isn't the first thing on your mind every time you wake up or lay down. I am two years out from our loss and am amazed at the truth of the old saw that "time heals all wounds". I still have the scars, but it doesn't bleed every minute. God bless.


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## purposefulmother (Feb 28, 2007)

heidsz,

I couldn't see this and not leave a comment... Chase has left a huge hole in your life and in your heart. Take all the time you need to grieve. There is no right amount of time, and the process never completely ends.

We lost our son at 38 weeks after he lived just a few hours. It was many years ago, and now I have far more good days than bad.

I tell mamas, don't ever "get over it." Remember you pain, it is a testament to your motherhood.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Hugs. I am so sorry for your loss.

It takes a while to grieve. Please don't feel bad about the length of time. It takes a lot of time to heal. The intense part is over but I hear what you're saying about the emptiness of loss and the ache that goes with it.

I hope you have brighter days ahead and can at least find some joyful moments along the way with your family.


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## zaadad (Feb 29, 2004)

I am so so sorry for your loss.

I wish you only peace.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss of Chase.
He is beautiful.

I lost my son, J.T., at 38 weeks as well.
He died just before birth on June 14th
from an umbilical cord "accident."

You will always have a hole in your life where
Chase should be . . . but isn't.
And you will always carry him in your heart.
I am glad for you that you have a living daughter;
I find my living children a great comfort at times,
but nothing can take J.T.'s place,
or lessen the hurt of losing him.

I wish for you easier days as time goes by.
I hope you find some comfort amongst others
who share your experience.
In my experience, it takes a loooong time
to begin to feel some semblence of "normalcy"
again.
And even then, we remain forever changed by
what has happened to us.

Peace to you.

Emilie


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## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

Please be gentle with yourself. 2 months is no time, on the road of grief. if nothing gets done, that is OK... Just do the bare minimum if you want to. Ifyou have a bad day, maybe call a freidn to bring a meal in. I know it is hard. I wish i could tell you the hole will go away, but it has been 8 years since my twins were stillborn, and i still have a hole from them. The pain is still there, but it is easier to deal with.

wishing you peace!


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## koalove (Apr 18, 2007)

: so sorry.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express how sad I am for you. Take all the time you need to grieve your son. Hold tight to your family, and do not worry about anything else! People shold understand that you are going through somthing that they have never experienced and we all deal with love and loss in different ways.

I will pray for you and your family.

Take care,


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I am so sorry for you loss may you be comforted in you time of grief


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## mrskennedy (Dec 24, 2006)

Heidi, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Chase!














What a sweet baby boy... Try to be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve. This is a huge loss, and you need to mourn. I'm so sorry you're going through this! Hold Chase in your heart; he'll always be with you.


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## Meshell (Sep 4, 2007)

I am sorry for your loss. I think you are being strong by taking care of your daughter and husband. It has only been a short time and no one can expect you to heal so fast. Take it day by day and give yourself the time your heart needs to grieve.


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