# Loss of Twins



## Lillbjorne (Aug 28, 2009)

I am just recovering from miscarrying twins at 12 weeks.

I was informed at the 12 weeks scan that there were no heartbeats, and that the twins were identical and looked to have been suffering from Twin to Twin Transfusion syndrome. The smaller twin had apparently died at 11 weeks and the larger one just before the scan.

I waited to miscarry naturally which happened about two weeks later, and everything went fine really quickly and not too much blood loss, so I thought it wasn't too bad physically, but then when I went to the hospital for a check up a few days later I started bleeding very heavily in the waiting room and ended up having a very traumatic time in hospital, losing over a litre and a half of blood (partly because I was left for so long without being checked) and had to have a lot of fluids and a blood transfusion as well as the D&C I didn't want.

Now I'm home, a bit weak and wobbly but recovering physically.

I haven't been here for a long time, and don't normally do forums much, but have felt a need to share online because my irl friends and family - as much as they want to help - can't understand and don't know how to help.

I haven't spoken much about my grief because it is too big and scary to look at, and I'm not sure how to deal with it myself.

I'm reading a book on healing pregnancy loss through art, and would like to have the opportunity to work through my grief creatively.

I'm troubled by dreams about babies I wish I could switch off. Right now I'm feeling like I don't know if I will ever feel normal again.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

I am so sorry that you lost your babies.

I've been drawing a lot since my baby died and it helps keeps my mind out of that dark scary place if nothing else.

I don't think we ever go back to "normal", we are forever changed by our losses; but we do learn how to cope and the good days outnumber the bad eventually.

This forum is invaluable to all of us. So few women talk about miscarriage IRL and anyone who has not been there just can't understand. I hope you find some comfort here.


----------



## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins.


----------



## Rach (Nov 11, 2003)




----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Like Krista said, miscarriage is a life-altering event. We can never forget our lost babies, the love we had for them, or our grief at losing them.

Thankfully, life won't always be a black abyss of emptiness, although it may feel that way now. I'll never forget the first time I laughed--out of real happiness, not a forced smile--after my first loss. I thought my face would crack, it felt that strange to be honestly happy. When joy creeps back into your life, you'll be able to think about your babies without the searing ache of loss. Normal does return. But it's a new normal--stronger in some ways, weaker in others.

I'm sorry this happened, mama. I hope you'll come back often to cry, vent, anything that helps you grieve.


----------



## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

I am so very sorry for the loss of your babies.







The dreams are normal for awhile at least. Not sleeping is normal...I don't think I really slept for at least 6 weeks after the loss of my son. All the range of emotions you're going to feel are normal for your experience! We will be here if you need to vent, cry, 'talk'. (((HUGS)))


----------



## DanielleT (Apr 29, 2010)

I am so sorry for your loss of your babies; my story is pretty much like yours...Not only do you need to deal with the loss of your babies but also deal with your very traumatic miscarriage...hang in there; it does get better but in the mean time be gentle to yourself!


----------



## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


----------



## Lillbjorne (Aug 28, 2009)

Thank-you everybody.

Having a bad day today. Don't seem to be able to cope and my house is looking like a bomb-site  My kids seem to be responding by being angry and fighting, shouting, crying and getting angry with each other, and I'm not getting any help at all. Dh has gone back to work longer hours than normal (I don't blame him for wanting to escape, but I have told him I need more help, and he seems to be just burying his head in the sand, which is his usual way of coping with stuff). I wish my mum were closer.

It comes in waves.


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))) you and I are having the same day. I hope tomorrow is better for both of us. FWIW I've been letting my kids watch tons of movies lately and that seems to curb the fighting and restore peace for a bit.


----------



## Lillbjorne (Aug 28, 2009)

I feel like such a bad mother! But tv seems to be the only thing to stop them fighting. I just can't do anything about it at the moment! 

Last week was pretty awful, but I'm disappointed because I thought it would start to get better this week. Not so far.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

I'm sorry...I really hate the post-m/c time more than the actual physical loss. I cried off and on night and day for almost a week before it started to get better. You're not a bad mother--a little extra TV is not the end of the world right now. Be gentle with yourself.


----------



## Lillbjorne (Aug 28, 2009)

This is the second week, and I'm not feeling better, I think I feel worse if anything. Better physically of course, but mentally / emotionally I'm a bit of a mess. I'm angry, I'm crying a lot and I feel like I'm not coping at all.

The kids are fed and clothed and warm, so I am scraping by, but I don't seem to be able to keep the housework under control (and can't get the children to help - that's another story! I have asked dh repeatedly to help get them to help, but he just tends to shout and force them, which is no help at all as it's not changing their hearts and minds to understand it's necessary and it's the right thing to do / it's fun, why not!! I can't convince them anyway.)

We have had such a difficult year with my Dad being ill since January, that we don't seem to have got much done. We are unschooling by default, but I feel guilty that we're not doing anything easily quantifiable.

Also, I feel abandoned by my friends whilst at the same time not actually wanting to see or speak to them or go out or do anything.


----------



## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lillbjorne*
> 
> This is the second week, and I'm not feeling better, I think I feel worse if anything. Better physically of course, but mentally / emotionally I'm a bit of a mess. I'm angry, I'm crying a lot and I feel like I'm not coping at all.


I'm not positive about your timeline, and everyone is different. Here is what I noticed about both my losses...for about a week after the m/c was physically over, I was doing ok. Then it seemed to "hit" me for another week, during which I just felt completely out of control and unable to cope at all, cried all the time, etc. I'm sure in my case it was related to a hormone crash, because it improved almost overnight after that agonizing week. Nearly three weeks later, I only cry a little here and there, am wildly jealous of all my pg friends, and am paranoid of experiencing another loss. So I'm doing much better, right?









I am so very sorry your friends aren't there for you right now. I think most people avoid talking about it because they don't know what to say and are afraid to bring it up and cause you pain. I wish they'd understand that we're in pain regardless, and all we need is to know that they care. Do you have a close friend that you can confide in? I was very honest and just told my family and a few close friends flat-out that I needed them to tell me they loved me, listen and let me cry without trying to "fix it," and keep calling to check on me. They responded really well to that, and I felt like that helped them give me the support I needed.

I hope things start to improve for you soon. I know it hurts so much. Just know that where ever you are at, it's ok and normal. It takes time to process a loss of this magnitude. Wishing you peace...


----------



## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Please don't feel guilty. The second week is not going to be better, mama, this will take time. It will come in waves, it will seem to come for no reason. It will come at the worst times and at times it will surprise you. The pain won't go away but you will get back to doing everything and you will find a place inside to put that pain and you'll find it comes out less. Fed, clothed and warm is better off than most of the children on the planet so I'd say you are doing well for a mama who just lost two babies.; be gentle with yourself.

ITA with mom-to-jj about the friends. Mine are doing the same thing. They are all talking about me, asking about me, worried about me (this coming from the friend that DOES call) but they are all avoiding me like a plague. People honestly don't know what to do.


----------



## Lillbjorne (Aug 28, 2009)

I had a phone call this morning from the British twin association TAMBA bereavement group lady. She was brilliant. She was somebody who had lost twins herself and was very sympathetic and encouraging.

She pointed out to me that for my body this was like any other birth - it could take a month or more to recover from, and of course emotionally it is unpredictable but it can be intense for a month or even more. I'm sure I read somewhere that 40 days would have been the traditional period both for recovering from a birth, and for mourning.

My body gave me a reminder today that I still need to take it easy - I tried to start doing the housework but I started bleeding again (just a little).

It does come in waves, sometimes I think I'm going to be alright, other times I think I will never be normal again. I am still having vivid dreams which usually involve having them, so I wake up bereft and a bit hopeless.


----------



## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your losses. How terrible. Big hugs.

As for the dreams thing, have you ever heard of lucid dreaming? I've done it before to combat nightmares. It really helped.


----------

