# Teens paying rent...



## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

I know some don't agree with this but I'd like to hear from any mama's that have charged their teens "rent".

DS#1 has not attended class since last Thursday and is not currently working either and well SOMETHING needs to change.


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## newmommy27 (Apr 22, 2005)

I agree (although I'm not a parent of a teen yet)...my kids job at that age will be to go to school, if they choose not too they most certainly will be paying rent

Not to mention dealing with the wrath of mommy till they choose to go back

-L (where education is not really an option)


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## Jennyfur (Jan 30, 2007)

I agree that something needs to change, but I don't think charging rent is the answer. I don't see how he could pay rent anyway, since he's not working.

I understand you're frustrated, but I would suggest an alternate method of getting through to him.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Your son is 16 and hasn't attended classes since last Thursday? I'm not sure what this means. Is he dropping out of school? Or is this just temporary? Maybe I missed something.


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## soygurl (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SusanElizabeth* 
Your son is 16 and hasn't attended classes since last Thursday? I'm not sure what this means. Is he dropping out of school? Or is this just temporary? Maybe I missed something.









:
Sounds like there are some other issues that need to be addressed....







: I'm sorry if it isn't what you want to hear, but IMO a _parent's_ most basic _jobs_ is to house, clothe, feed, and love their child(ren).

*donning flame-proof suit*
If a child voluntarily contributes money to the family bills, that's one thing; if a family can't survive without a second (or third) source of income, that's another. Both are completely different than charging your child (yes, teens are still _children_ in some senses) rent simply because there are (or might be) "behavior problems."

Now, requiring a teen to have a job of some sort can be a very good thing. Requiring teens to pay for anything _they want_ other than the "basics" (e.g. cable tv, internet access, music, video games, specialized clothes, treat foods, etc.) is totally reasonable. But rent just as a form of "punishment" or "control"? No way.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:

If a child voluntarily contributes money to the family bills, that's one thing; if a family can't survive without a second (or third) source of income, that's another. Both are completely different than charging your child (yes, teens are still children in some senses) rent simply because there are (or might be) "behavior problems."

rent just as a form of "punishment" or "control"? No way.










Mother of a 17 year old. Regardless of their school attendance it's a parents responsibility to support their minor children even if they aren't going to school. I'd be working on fixing the problem that is happening with the child and his school, not being punitive and requiring rent.


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## mackysmama (Jan 11, 2005)

Not a mother of a teen but was the sister to one! My brother had some struggles in high school and it sounds very much like your situation - he didn't want to go to school and he had no job. So, my parents threatened him with having to pay rent. He decided to leave instead and hang out at his friend's house, a HUGE bad influence, and then got into drugs, etc. etc. He is 41 now and remains pretty separate from our family. I wish so much that my parents hadn't looked at the symptoms of his struggles (not going to school, having dead-beat friends, etc.) but tried to address the REASON for his struggles.

Also, if he pays rents, is he then free to make choices as a renter and not as a son? Meaning, do the rules no longer apply to him since he is contributing also? Is he free to have overnight romantic guests, parties, trash his room, etc.? If the answer is no, why wouldn't he pay rent someplace that would allow him more freedom?


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

I have been through hell and back with everything from skipping school to some pretty serious theft type crimes with my son over the last few years. I am totally aware of why he is acting the way he is...he's pissed at the world, he's been treated badly by people BUT I can't force him into therapy if he doesn't want to go. I make the appointments and ALWAYS take him but I can't force him to want it. I stay supportive and unconditional with my love and he clearly loves me back. Problem is he's very in his own zone and well I have boudries in my home and rightly so it's my home too. He is completely pleasant when having conversations, he's quite open with his thoughts and beliefs and he is very smart and very stubborn. Yes it has become a real problem all of that. He can manipulate. He wants to do things when he wants to do them period. He has taken to doing absolutely NOTHING within the house and doesn't even do the small things. The only way he will do something is for money...umm I think not! He puts forth ZERO effort at school and skips regularly and doesn't care. He is a hair away from getting kicked out.
I have attended soooo many workshops, read so many books, met with doctors, social workers, guidance councelors, teachers, community groups, police, lawyers...I really have been around the block trying to educate myself, heal myself and help him work this all out. I am the last person truely standing by his side living this with him. I'm still standing there and will continue to, he's my son and I love him. So ya I'm thinking of asking him to work and pay rent so he can have some idea of reality because he is totally living in la la land. People may think that all teens are into themselves to a certain degree but frankly I know no other person in my fairly large circle that can completely relate so that tends to make me think that this isn't just typical teen behavior.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

I do not like the idea of rent for a 16 yr old - BUT I am not his mama. If you are at your wits end - well, you do what you have to do. sometimes advice for the general population does not work for a specific kid, yk?

That being said, I would not start charging rent yet. It seems to me he has dropped out of school (and if he has not (and cannot/will not commit to attending school) - he might as well). Give him 3 months or so to deschool, figure out what he wants to do, etc. I do not think he should coast along forever doing nothing, but a few months to devise a plan he can be excited about is fine.

He has only been out of school one week.

Kathy


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

I wouldn't, just on a practical level, it doesn't sound like he can afford to pay you. Could you assign him a job like mowing the lawn or doing dishes.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Mum's rule with us when we were living at home (I got married, another sister went off to Europe, but my 24-year-old sister still lives at home, along with my autistic 18-year-old sister and the little ones), was simple: If you're studying fulltime, fine; if not, pay board.

I think the difference between 'board' and 'rent' is important; as a pp pointed out, paying 'rent' means 'renter's rights', whereas board is just a part of the family, contributing thing. Mum charged us a pittance; it wasn't nearly what we'd pay anywhere else, so it wasn't like 'Oh well, we may as well be living elsewhere'; but it was about enough to cover food and things, given that we mostly ate outside the home anyway because of work.

In some families, having the teen work out board in household chores (above the call of duty), babysitting etc. might be an option, but it wouldn't have worked in our family, and would require pretty good communication skills and so on! I disagree that a 16-year-old is a child, however. I was at Uni at sixteen, holding down two part-time jobs to pay my way; I was certainly capable of contributing to the family, except that Mum waived that because of the aforementioned studying rule. Board has never been a 'punishment', just a reality. Even my autistic sister 'pays board' from her disability allowance, same as the rest of us; and why not? She eats... more than the rest of us put together, sometimes! And she doesn't mind, it makes her feel grown-up and important.

In your specific situation I might give your teen a few weeks to get his act together, some warning etc--obviously you can't 'make' him pay board if he has no income. But in general, no; I don't think it's a terrible thing for a parent to make her almost-adult child act like an almost-adult.


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## Krystal323 (May 14, 2004)

i think (in my state at least) that you are not legally allowed to charge rent to your minor child for livng in your home. i agree with that. school and/or a job is not the point of life. i mean, what are his passions, what is he up to that he's not doing school/work? is he depressed? how can you help him do something positive with his time? getting him to pay you rent doesn't really help, imo


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

I totally agree that teens generally shouldn't be expected to pay while they are actively schooling. But if he is doing nothing by choice then he will have to get a job and pay board. Also, he knows that if this is the route that we're going to go there will still be some basic house rules that he will have to follow regardless of paying. My son has also had the lovely opportunity to live outside of the home and it was not pleasant (for anyone) and he acknowledges that trust me&#8230;.so the whole the grass is green on the other side thing isn't so much of a worry.

I brought up home schooling again (I honestly believe that this would be soooo beneficial for him) and he seems interested now whereas before he was completely against it. I will also ask him to be completely involved in the process of gathering the information and getting that ball rolling.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

My mom charged me rent when I graduated. I was 18. When I moved out on my own she gave half of it back to me. She'd been using half to help out with utilities and food, and the other half was going into a savings account for my moving expenses (I didn't know it at the time). I'm really glad she did it. My paying rent helped her respect me as an adult. I didn't have to follow her curfew rules anymore etc. BUT I did have to let her know, out of curtesy, if I wasn't going to be home at night so that she wouldn't worry about met etc.


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## panamama (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *<~*MamaRose*~>* 
I totally agree that teens generally shouldn't be expected to pay while they are actively schooling. But if he is doing nothing by choice then he will have to get a job and pay board. Also, he knows that if this is the route that we're going to go there will still be some basic house rules that he will have to follow regardless of paying. My son has also had the lovely opportunity to live outside of the home and it was not pleasant (for anyone) and he acknowledges that trust me&#8230;.so the whole the grass is green on the other side thing isn't so much of a worry.

I brought up home schooling again (I honestly believe that this would be soooo beneficial for him) and he seems interested now whereas before he was completely against it. I will also ask him to be completely involved in the process of gathering the information and getting that ball rolling.

i just wanted to say that my DS (15), was on the same path you've described your DS being on in this thread thus far. while the problems with my DS did not get quite as extreme as the ones you mentioned with your DS, they were certainly going in that direction. we talked about home/unschooling for several months in the spring and finally decided to do it this summer. he did not go back to school this fall and while we are still deschooling (so not doing a ton of study right away), i can already see a HUGE difference in him. the behaviour problems are almost nonexistent and his natural curiousity for learning/knowledge is bubbling back up.









we are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but the improvement in him and our relationship is just WONDERFUL. i am a single mama and it is a strugle, but completely worth it. if your DS is open to it, i would strongly encourage you to pursue it with him if you can. teens are a lot like toddlers w/ the whole "i can do it myself", "it's all about me" and temper tantrum attitudes.







they need a lot of space to make their own mistakes (and learn from them), but also a lot of love and guidance and support. best of luck.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with charging a teen rent or room and board or whatever you want to call it. I fully expect my 16yo ds to get a job and contribute to the home if he drops out of school. He has agreed with this and doesn't seem to mind. I told him he could pay us 1/3 of whatever he earns in a month. He can homeschool instead, if he wants, but he doesn't want to. I told him, though, that he needs to do something. He can't just sit around the house playing video games until 3 am and then sleeping all day. We're lucky that the local community college has a free adult high school diploma program that accepts 16 year olds and above with parents' permission. My ds just got accepted last week and will start going on Monday. This is something that he chose. He can either earn a GED or a complete high school diploma. Since he's only required to attend 3 hours a day he'll still have plenty of time for a job so he can have his own spending money. If he does this, I will not ask him to pay any kind of rent or board. I will, however, expect him to pay for his own non-necessity things, including car insurance.

I wanted to add that I had to pretty much give up before we got to the point where he is now. I stopped trying to make him come home at what I considered a reasonable time. I stopped trying to make him go to school, which was what I wanted, not what he wanted. (Well, what I really wanted was for him to homeschool but that's an entire other issue with us.) When I gave up is when he started behaving the way I wanted. Don't ask me why it worked that way. I told my dh the other day it was like some as of yet dormant synapse in his brain suddenly turned on and he started to be cooperative and put some effort into things. It has continued now for almost 2 months and I am still amazed.


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *<~*MamaRose*~>* 
I have been through hell and back with everything from skipping school to some pretty serious theft type crimes with my son over the last few years. I am totally aware of why he is acting the way he is...he's pissed at the world, he's been treated badly by people BUT I can't force him into therapy if he doesn't want to go. I make the appointments and ALWAYS take him but I can't force him to want it. I stay supportive and unconditional with my love and he clearly loves me back. Problem is he's very in his own zone and well I have boudries in my home and rightly so it's my home too. He is completely pleasant when having conversations, he's quite open with his thoughts and beliefs and he is very smart and very stubborn. Yes it has become a real problem all of that. He can manipulate. He wants to do things when he wants to do them period. He has taken to doing absolutely NOTHING within the house and doesn't even do the small things. The only way he will do something is for money...umm I think not! He puts forth ZERO effort at school and skips regularly and doesn't care. He is a hair away from getting kicked out.
I have attended soooo many workshops, read so many books, met with doctors, social workers, guidance councelors, teachers, community groups, police, lawyers...I really have been around the block trying to educate myself, heal myself and help him work this all out. I am the last person truely standing by his side living this with him. I'm still standing there and will continue to, he's my son and I love him. So ya I'm thinking of asking him to work and pay rent so he can have some idea of reality because he is totally living in la la land. People may think that all teens are into themselves to a certain degree but frankly I know no other person in my fairly large circle that can completely relate so that tends to make me think that this isn't just typical teen behavior.

It sounds like you've done so much to help him. I can't imagine your frustration and sadness. Big hugs to you, mama, and no judgment here. I wouldn't dream of giving you advice, but I just wanted you to know that I'm sad for you, and I admire that you are working so hard to get through to him, and that you are standing firm on your boundaries.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I don't know that I could charge him rent. But, he certainly wouldn't be sleeping late and then sitting on the computer.

He would need to have a job. (he would keep his money)

He would have extra responsibilities to the home and family.

I would at least require him to consider some type of online courses that some homeschool companies offer. I have a freind in Texas who's sons both take this, and they are doing extremely well with it. But, I don't know if just anybody in any state can do this, or if it is only Texas.

But, I would try to approach this as a mutual thing. As a teen, I would have hated having demands placed on me. I had a lot of jobs, but it was my responsibility. My mom never nagged me to do it, she wrote it down, and I did it when I could.

I was always a lot more willing to do something if my Mom wrote it down, rather than if she was telling me to do it. FOr some reason, it wasn't as confrontational to me. However, my dd hates to have a list written down for her.


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## lisser (Oct 11, 2004)

DH and I have discussed this. Our children may live with us rent free until age 21, as long as they are going to school, or working, and contributing to the household in other manners (ie they are not total slobs). I cannot imagine any situation where I would charge a child under the age of 18 rent, but I would certainly try to get to the bottom of the problem.

If your son hates school, maybe you could look into home/unschooling. I have heard that this has been life changing for some teens struggling with all the social BS that is highschool.

HTH.

Lisser


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## sea_joy (Aug 5, 2006)

I was exactly like your son. Legal issues, not being helped by therapy, sneaking out, ditching class, dropping out, etc.

The thing is, by the time they are 16, you can no longer _force_ them to do anything, you can't even teach him anything unless he is receptive.

In light of the fact that "everyone treats him badly" have you considered that a lot of your problems with your son would be alleviated if you stopped letting them be problems? I'm not saying to be permissive, you should certainly express to him honestly that you feel scared about his future and you worry about him. However, what might benefit your son the most is not being forced or co-erced into anything, but knowing that although his Mother takes care of him (rent, food, clothes, etc) and he his her child, she is supporting him in beginning to make his own decisions. A lot of emotional healing can take place just by feeling loved unconditionally.

Again, I am not at all saying to "give up" on him. It just seems like conventional methods have failed you, and maybe giving him more of the adult respect he wants ( I know it's really hard to respect a 16 as an adult, especially when they have made such bad choices, and just because you start acting like this doesn't mean he'll have an immediate turn around) but being it may help steer him in the direction you want him to go in, in his own time.

It sounds like your son is very intelligent, and if you can create as much of a "safe place" for him as possible, he will go back to school at some point, and when he does he will have thought it out and probably suprise you with his desire to learn and succeed.

I hope my advice doesn't offend you, it's hard to pin down exactly what I am trying to say. I guess I just think it might work if you stop talking to him about rent or punishment or anything like that and try to only say nice things, or serious things nicely. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it's what would have worked for me.

Also, have you changed his therapist? Especially for a teenager, it may take 5-6 people before they feel they found someone who "gets them"

-Crystal


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

I think telling him that he either needs to go to school or get his GED and a part time job to help out is not a bad thing, but I wouldn't word it rent.


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

Thanks for all the replies and I did get a little something out of all the responses!

I just wanted to state that I'm scared sh%itless about everything that has to do with my son! I only want success for my son and since we've been through really tough times I so scared of leaving him up to his own devices KWIM. What happens if we go the unschooling route and he doesn't go back to school!!!! That freaks me right out!!!!!!!!!!! I know that there are no guarantees about anything but I'm just so worried about him.

Last night I stepped back from enforcing his midnight curfew and he didn't come home until 2:45am! Yes, I knew where he was but that was little consolation when I know that he was somewhere where parents don't live (the majority of his friends are 18 and up) and I'm sure he was a little stoned and smelled like he'd had some beers. Many say to me "well at least he's not roaming the streets anymore" but well I don't really take comfort in those comments, it's still kind of hard to see the supposed good in it.

PS
I just wanted to add that my reference to "people have hurt him" is not everyone hurts him but he was very much hurt by his father and then his stepfather for years (both were very verbally abusive and extremely controlling). The burden of guilt that I carry because of this and my lack of protection will stay with me forever.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sea_joy* 
Ihave you considered that a lot of your problems with your son would be alleviated if you stopped letting them be problems? I'm not saying to be permissive, you should certainly express to him honestly that you feel scared about his future and you worry about him. However, what might benefit your son the most is not being forced or co-erced into anything, but knowing that although his Mother takes care of him (rent, food, clothes, etc) and he his her child, she is supporting him in beginning to make his own decisions. A lot of emotional healing can take place just by feeling loved unconditionally.

This is exactly what I meant when I said I gave up with my ds. I did not give up on him. I just let go of all the things he was doing that I thought were problems and it seems to have worked. It took a couple of months but he has really started to turn himself around. He does some things that I don't like but I couldn't stop him no matter how hard I tried. I've decided that, instead, I'll just make sure that he knows I'll be if and when he needs me.








, MamaRose. I know all about those fears. At some point, though, you really do have to let them go and hope for the best. His not coming home until so late might've been a test to see if you really meant what you said. You can always express your fears and concerns with him without trying to set limits or make him do something. Here's how my therapist worded it, "The decision is ultimately up to you, son, but I feel a responsibility to tell you..." Then don't say anything else about it. You want him to be home where you know he's safe. He thinks he's safe and can take care of himself wherever he is. You have to trust him on that. As far as school, he can always go back. Just because he doesn't do it right now or even 5 years from now doesn't mean he'll never do it. And, if he doesn't, he will have to deal with the consequences. That's not your issue unless you make it yours. I know you feel a lot of responsibility but, ultimately, it's his life and his choices. You can just be there for him when he needs love and suport. Let go of that guilt that you have. We all do the best we can at any given time. None of us is perfect. Talk to your ds openly and candidly about the stuff with his dad and stepdad without expecting him to say anything back to you. If you feel the need, sincerely apologize for your part in his pain without any excuses.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I have to ask this because I guess I'm just not getting it. Why is it assumed that having your 16yo+ child pay rent is a punishment? It certainly could be a punishment but I don't see how it necessarily is. If I have a teen who wants to quit school and get a job and essentially live like an adult, I'd rather have him do that at home. Let him try it out at home, paying bills, following a budget, etc. I'd much rather my teen try that while still at home and realize that either he can do it on his own or it's not all he imagined it would be and he wants to try something else.


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## nascarbebe (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *<~*MamaRose*~>* 
PS
I just wanted to add that my reference to "people have hurt him" is not everyone hurts him but he was very much hurt by his father and then his stepfather for years (both were very verbally abusive and extremely controlling). The burden of guilt that I carry because of this and my lack of protection will stay with me forever.

I just reall all the posts and I was wondering when you were going to get to this part. I didn't act out as a teen, instead I just held it in and was depressed. My brothers acted out but not as extreme as your son. My mom was married to my dad for 13 years and she endured physical abuse and as kids we were always terrified of making mistakes because we didn't want to set my dad off. Then when I was 10 my parents divorced and my mom married a man with a very short temper who had serious mental issues. He molested me and hit my brothers. So needless to say we were very angry as teenagers too. At one point my stepdad mentioned something about us having to pay rent but I didn't understand where I'd come up with the money. Plus I figured if I was paying rent I sure as hell wouldn't live at home. My brothers and I escaped to college as soon as we could. We talk to our mom but we all have a strained relationship with her. We're all extremely bitter that she didn't protect us when we were vulnerable children. I'm 32 and my brothers are late-20s. They're even more bitter than I. I've taken steps to try and overcome all the abuse I endured as a kid.

I don't even know what else to tell you except that I don't think charging him rent is the answer. Because of financial reasons my brothers and I paid for our own clothes, toiletries, etc. Basically we were only provided with the basic shelter, food, bed, tv, etc. To this day we enjoy working hard to get what we want/need. Your son is really hurting right now. I wish you the best of luck reaching him.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Quite apart from the different views about whether a parent 'should' charge rent, I guess the practical question is, what next?

Do you think that if you told him he was now responsible for paying X amount to you per month if not in school he would (a) return to school, (b) get a job and pay you, or (c) refuse? If you think he might refuse to pay, what would you do? Would you just have ongoing fights about it? Would you kick him out of the house? I'd think this through before going down this path. It sounds like it could just be another source of conflict.


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

I know it may seem like my son and I aren't very close but we are and I do listen to him and care about his wants and needs.

He has agreed to homeschool and work part-time in which case I will not ask for board. I am also looking into what exactly deschooling is but I have to tell ya I find it a nightmare looking up specific info about it on the homeschooling forum.

He does realize that if he is not actively schooling he will pay board from the job that he is currently searching for. There are jobs here so it shouldn't take long. He really does want to attend university at some point so I just remind him of what he need to accomplish in order to get there.

I didn't present anything as an "or else" situation but rather as these are your two choices. Period. I will not force my son to live with me if he doesn't want to how could that possibly be pleasant....but I will not feel bullied or intimidated by my teen either so I have a few expectations.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *<~*MamaRose*~>* 
I didn't present anything as an "or else" situation but rather as these are your two choices. Period. I will not force my son to live with me if he doesn't want to how could that possibly be pleasant....*but I will not feel bullied or intimidated by my teen either so I have a few expectations*.











I thnk this sounds perfect! He is still a kid, he doesn't need, deserve or quailify to make his own decisions in life, so giving him two choices is great. You aren't coming down on him, you are letting him decide between two very reasonable choices.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Skimmed through quickly (visualize paragraphs... short ones... they're easier to read








)

I am not sure how you can make a broke person pay rent







If you figure out how, let me know! My morgage is due and well, my checking account is looking bleak.

I didn't see it mentioned but another schooling option could be online learning. There are a number of FREE charter schools that are online. Maybe that could be one way to finish school.


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

My last post explains that he is currently job searching and he has decided to do correspondence and online schooling from home.

As I've stated in all my previous posts HE IS NOT EXPECTED TO PAY BOARD IF HE'S BEING PROACTIVE ABOUT HIS SCHOOLING. .

Sorry you felt my posts were so hard to read.


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## Hesperia (Sep 3, 2007)

I haven't read through this whole topic, but I thought I would add in my views.

When I was 17 my mother tried to charge me rent. I was going to school and working part-time as a nanny making about 10/hour. My family hasn't had much money, but enough to get by. I felt angry with her for years about her trying to charge me to live there.
This is just how I felt;
First of all, it was illegal for her to charge me.
Second, I was in school, doing horribly, but in school.
Thirdly, she was using as punishment for not 'being part of the family' which pushed me further away.

In my opinion it is the parents JOB to keep the child clothed, fed, safe and fed until they are 18 or 19 or living/working on their own, then the role turns to support and love.
Forcing a child (teen) to pay rent forces then to have a job, which puts them into the 'real' world and makes it harder for them to return to school.

I think you should address the reason why he isn't attending school first, and think of rent as a last straw. Once my mom tried to force rent on me (I paid 400/month twice) I quickly saw no reason to live with her. Sad but true. There was so much more going on in our lives then what I typed here, but in short, charging a child for rent is going to put a wedge into many families.

Be careful and really think this over...


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