# Thought I could get through it....



## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

but it is so freaking hard today. 10 years ago today I found out she was dead. I really thought with all the talking I have done, all the support I have received, that I would be okay today. I am so not okay.

I feel like running, and crying, and screaming, and whatever. I wish this day would just end. I can't stop crying.

I have taken out her box and touched and smelled and remembered everything. And it all just sucks so friggin bad.Her death day is the worst. I will never ever ever forget the knowing she was gone. I loved her so much and she was dead. Inside me. My body had failed. I failed.

Well, thats my public tantrum. I think I need a long, hot shower. I'm really sorry if this upsets anyone.

(just for today) zoesmom


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## Darci (Feb 10, 2002)

Don't worry about upsetting anyone! you are allowed to express yourself in whatever way you need to!
(lecture over)
I'm so sorry that today is hard for you. I think it doesn't matter how long it's been, anniversaries of certain days are bound to make us more emotional. (that's not the word I want, but it's the only one I can think of right now)

You have a daughter that died ten years ago. If there had been a car accident, it would have still been ten years ago today. You are allowed to still feel and express profound grief at times. I wish I had a magic word for you to make today better. I hope tomorrow is truly a new day for you.
(((((hugs)))))


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## Darci (Feb 10, 2002)

Sorry, I wasn't quite done!








I also wanted to say to take whatever you need to do today and do it. IF you need a hot shower, take one! If you need to run and scream, do it! Whatever you need. This is about you, too, and take care of yourself today.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Our loses were so similar. I read this post and nod in agreement, having felt very similar to you.

I felt I had failed when I found out my baby had died. When I was induced and gave birth to a 5 lb. baby girl who had died 7 days earlier.

You go ahead and cry, scream - do what you need to do for YOU to get through it. It sounds like you have a lot to still sort out about her loss. Please, give yourself the opportunity to do that. I remember that the 17th is her birthday. I'll make sure to be around that day if you need me.


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## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

The Sitting Time

Don't listen to the foolish unbelievers
who say forget.
Take up your armful of roses and
remember them
the flower and the fragrance.
When you go home to do your sitting
in the corner by the clock
and sip your rosethorn tea
It will warm your face and fingers
and burn the bottom of your belly.
But as her gone-ness piles in white,
crystal drifts,
It will be the blossom of her momemt
the warmth on your belly,
the tiny fingers unfolding,
the new face you've always known,
That has changed you.
Take her moment, and hold it
as every mother does.
She will always be
your daughter
And when the sitting is done you'll find
bitter grief could never poison
the sweetness of her time.

Joe Digman


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## LEmama (Nov 21, 2001)

{{{Ediesmom}}} I have always loved that poem. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you peace...


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I've never heard that poem (which is surprising because I'm a poetry addict). Thank you for sharing, it really does summ up how you must be feeling - your in our thoughts.


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## ediesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Jacque,

I read that poem about a thousand times. She was born in a blizzard and I was so connected by the line about 'her gone-ness piles in white crystal drifts'. I would walk through the strorm-which lasted days, appropriately. Even now snowfall is a special tribute to her, in my heart.

Today is the day that I celebrate her. All she brought to my life. The gift of life's fragility. The gift to parent like a mother wolf, ferociously, protecting.

I also see her as a bringing me the gift of my life. I don't know when I would have been diagnosed with graves. I really think it would have been too late, had it not been for such a crisis. The disease had progressed so incredibly far, and I don't know how much longer my own body would have been able to handle it.

It's a false spring day here in Maine. I have been growing flowers for all the babies being born over at aputopia, hoping that my bit of nurturing, wishfulness, and prayer would keep those babies safe. I will take flowers from all the live baby plants and bring them to her.

OUR JOYS WILL BE GREATER
OUR LOVE WILL BE DEEPER
OUR LIFE WILL BE FULLER
BECAUSE WE SHARED YOUR MOMENT

I don't know who wrote that, but it is so true. My life was never, and never will again, be the same. She came into my life and brought me so much strength, faith, and personal power. It was she who made me see that " a person's a person, no matter how small' which is the greatest gift I ever received.

I'm glad you are up this morning. I was conforted to see you in at the wee hours, just when I needed a friend near.

Happy anniversary to Ms. Mom, too. I couldn't forget.

Blessings on this wonderful birthday.

Randee


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

You made it through another birthday. Hope your doing well and that the day was gentle on you.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

What you've written about your daughter is so touching to me, and much of it echoes from within.

It is so beautiful to hear you speak of the love you have for her and the respectful way you treat her, even today.

In a strange way, i find myself comforted to know that grief can be so powerful, even through time, because I never want to stop loving my baby, and it seems that the grief will help remind me of the love.

I love the poem, and I love that you plant flowers in your daughter's memory.

I also thought of you, starting around Valentine's, and wondered how you were doing, remembering how much love you share for Zoe.

You are inspiring. Thank you.
Sarah


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## madison (Nov 20, 2001)

Hi there Randee!

I'm so sorry I saw this a few days later.

How are you doing?

I am so sorry for your loss.

Give the big sister and the little sister hugs









Love, m


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Ediesmom, I was away on Sunday so wasn't posting, but I was thinking of you. I said a prayer for you - I hope that's okay, and not against your beliefs.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

ediesmom we would be pretty inhuman if we didn't feel sadness for your loss. Don't worry about upsetting anyone...we are all here to support each other and find some sort of peace.

This board would not do anyone any good if we sugar coated anything. Please say what you need to say.


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