# 3yo ds wants to see a "vagina" - WWYD?



## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

So, about a month ago, ds saw me using the bathroom and asked where my pee-pee was. So, I explained that mommy's and girl's have vaginas and boys and daddy's have pee-pees (I know should use the word penis







) Anway, over the last few days - esp when we shower, he's asked to see my vagina. Well, how to you handle that one?

Should I check out a book from the library and show him the difference?


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## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

I'd go with a book or ask a local midwife for a model. At that age I am not certain they wouldn't walk around telling people they saw mommy's vagina. That could be dangerous if the wrong person heard it.


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## nicholas_mom (Apr 23, 2004)

Actually ds said to me...Daddy pees from pe*is (I am at work when typing this) and Mommy pees from the butt. That was fine for a while. A couple of months ago, Ds has asked to see where the pee is coming from. I forgot what I said.

Anyway, I don't know what to tell him either.


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

I agree with what the pp poster said, either check out a book from the library or see if there is a midwife around who can show him a model. There are lots of good books out there that give frank, educational information about both the male and female reproductive system. I remember wanting to see a penis at that age..







It's totally normal.


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

I read in a book once, Z. Budapest's "Grandmother of Time" I believe, an account of a similar situation with her son. He may have been around 8 and asked her what a clitoris was. She was in the bath and showed him. He said "oh" and went off to play, content that his question was answered.

Not sure what I'd do. If you use a book, I would try to find one with photos or good drawings. Maybe "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." It has drawings of both sexes. But they're not in a full-body context. I'm not sure if a 3 yr. old could understand the corrolation or would see it as a separate object apart from a woman?

Would he be content with knowing what a vulva is for now? If he understands what a vulva is perhaps you could use a book to show him what the details are in the vulva. TCOYF would be a good one for that.

My own DD recently discovered her vagina. She was looking at it and said she found a hole. I told her it was her vagina (she knows what a vulva is). She got it confused with "where the poop comes out" but that's normal for her age and development.

Slightly OT, DH has been a little bothered by my teaching DD that poop comes from her butt hole because he doesn't like her talking about buttholes. I explained to him that when I called it an anus, she kept getting confused with penis (which she understands). I figure I'll clarify anus for her later. I don't want to confuse her too much.

Good luck!


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## Diane~Alena (Aug 23, 2004)

I have just this week gotten books about these issues for my children. We got a cute book called "mommy laid an egg" it had basic drawings of the reproductive organs my 5 year old was content with it. My older girls read a few books and loved the indept information and realistic drawings I can olnly remember the name of one though and it is "Changes in you and me". I would just go tot he library and look untill you find what is right for you. I have to say I think it is important for children to understand their bodies and the bodies of the other sex.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

I showed ds a birth video recently because he was so persistantly interested in figuring out exactly how babies come out of mommies.


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## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

:

Oh, thank God I'm not the only one!







DS asked me the same thing not too long ago and -wow- was I stumped as to how to deal with this.














: DH and I are very open with him about body parts (he knows the actual names and we've talked about how babies are born and the differences between boys and girls etc) but this just felt like it was crossing a line to me, ykwim? I think I might have said that I didn't feel comfortable showing him my vagina, and that everyone had a right to decide that for him/herself?







But I did get out our books about bodies (we have one written by the author of the "Arthur" books, I think his name is Marc Brown, and we also have another book called "It's So Amazing") and showed him those illustrations of male/female body parts.

The pp who showed their DC a birth video- what a GREAT idea!


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

My ds just recently asked to see mine as well. I hemmed and hawed so much (I am open about sexuality but all I could think was of him telling the preschool class that his mommy showed him her vulva







) that he got bored and walked away. He also asked why I had fur around my peepee. That one I could answer, lol.
I need to go get a book too.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

I remember a very good book (darn it, i forgot the name of it!) OH I remember I think it was called "It's perfectly normal" or somesuch. Lot's illustrations to suit a very young minds, and simple explainations. I read it when I was very young.


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## teacup (Nov 12, 2005)

The birth video is a great idea. Did you watch the whole thing? What did your kiddo think?

I would prefer photos to drawings, but can't think of anything that would have a spread vulva/vagina showing (aside from, uh, Hustler). Anatomy books, maybe?


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

I found the book, here it is: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/076...Fencoding=UTF8

On second thought, perhaps it's more suited to an older child, but it still could help to illustrate the differences between a boy and a girl to a younger child,....


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## teacup (Nov 12, 2005)

Oh, and I know I've seen references to anatomically correct dolls on this message board. Expensive, though, I think.


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## l_olive (Jan 18, 2005)

I asked almost exactly this same question a couple of months ago on the toddler board and got a recommendation for a book to use to show anatomy. It's called the Bare Naked Book. You might want to check it out, too.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/092...Fencoding=UTF8

--Olive


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## mummy marja (Jan 19, 2005)

I think it's important that you tell your son the difference between a vagina and a vulva (I know some grown women who don't know the difference) Watching a birth video is a great idea. My 2 year old dd watched one with me before ds was born, and she was completely fine with it and loved it, actually. It was Gentle Birth Choices, and showed water births and other gentle births. It has a full-on close up view of the vulva as the head is emerging.

My Dd has asked to see my vulva when I am going pee, and I have felt comfortable enough to show her. I don't know what I would do if my Ds asked...I might say that it was private. I see nothing wrong with that. But definitely show him a picture.


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## callmeluci (Mar 13, 2006)

Wow, I never realized how common this was. This topic also came up when my DS was 3. I showed him photos out of an older pregnancy & baby care book. It has a good full body shot of a toddler girl with no clothing on and also shots of intact boys throughout. He was satisfied after he saw the difference for himself.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Thank you everyone for all the helpful suggestions, I'm going to check into a few of the book recommendations and see if our library has any birth videos.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

It's just according to his age, but I see nothing wrong with telling him your bottom area IS your vagina. If he sees the pubic hair that should be enough. If not, then he needs to be told it's enough so that he thinks it is. Just tell him a girl's pee-pee is inside her body and a boy's is outside. If that isn't enough then let your husband show him the difference sometime. Nothing wrong with that. He's just curious! But don't make a big deal out of it. Keep it very casual and he will get past it. You CAN tell a young child things like that and it will satisfy their curiosity. I took baths with my oldest child (son) until he was around 4 years old so we talked about such things. I wasn't shy in the least bit. But it's not like I opened up my crotch for him to view it all.







I just told him the area of pubic hair was a girl's private area. That's all he ever saw.

You have to keep it age appropriate just as in all topics that they will bring up. I've already gone through sex talks with my son as well, age appropriate and will continue to do so as he grows and ages more.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68*
I took baths with my oldest child (son) until he was around 4 years old so we talked about such things. I wasn't shy in the least bit. But it's not like I opened up my crotch for him to view it all.







I just told him the area of pubic hair was a girl's private area. That's all he ever saw.

You have to keep it age appropriate just as in all topics that they will bring up. I've already gone through sex talks with my son as well, age appropriate and will continue to do so as he grows and ages more.









Yes, I think that's where the curiosity is coming from because I still frequently bathe and shower with ds. I like your ideas of keeping it age appropriate.


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## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68*
I wasn't shy in the least bit. But it's not like I opened up my crotch for him to view it all.







I just told him the area of pubic hair was a girl's private area. That's all he ever saw.

Yeah, I wanted to add that DS (almost 4yo) sometimes comes into the bathroom with me when I pee, or take a shower, or when I'm getting dressed or whatever, and I don't try to "hide" my body from him. He's asked about the "fur", too.







I am totally comfortable with all of this, but I'm not letting him give me a gyn exam,









The "It's So Amazing" book has a full-on illustration of a vagina (including clitoris, labia, vaginal opening, urethral opening) and I had no problem showing him that.


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## Haydee (Jan 10, 2006)

I was just lurking here, and thought everyone might be amused by my DS. When he was 2 he came in when I had gotten out of the shower and I had a tampon in, and then burst out with "MOMMY!!! You DO have a penis! It's just white!!"

That said, DS who will be 4 in August says that boys pee from their penis, and girls pee from their butt. He came up with that on his own from watching me sit on the toilet to pee, and I figured he could go with that for now.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202*
Yes, I think that's where the curiosity is coming from because I still frequently bathe and shower with ds.

Thank goodness. After I posted that I figured I would get flamed for bathing with my son back then.


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

... well, if you are embarrassed about that, hear what my 5 yo has been asking for the last 2 months....








"can I see when daddy and mommy make their "..." meet?"









I told her no, that is private, but she keeps just asking and asking... she also went to ask dh..... boy I felt really embarrassed....

I did give her an open talk about children's birth and all that and because she continued to ask more and more direct questions, at some point I just had no choice but explain how daddy's eggs meet mommy's.... oh boy.... not sure I should have told her so much....however, she is happy with that explanation, and feels really on top of things now..... she even went on to give the same speech to my 3 yo and made drawings for her to better understand....


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gaialice*








... well, if you are embarrassed about that, hear what my 5 yo has been asking for the last 2 months....








"can I see when daddy and mommy make their "..." meet?"









I told her no, that is private, but she keeps just asking and asking... she also went to ask dh..... boy I felt really embarrassed....

I did give her an open talk about children's birth and all that and because she continued to ask more and more direct questions, at some point I just had no choice but explain how daddy's eggs meet mommy's.... oh boy.... not sure I should have told her so much....however, she is happy with that explanation, and feels really on top of things now..... she even went on to give the same speech to my 3 yo and made drawings for her to better understand....
























: That is hilarious! And it's SO how my ds would be - except he'd go to daycare and tell the whole story. (Since I've already gotten an amused call from our daycare provider saying that ds told her during a diaper change "My mommy doesn't have a pee-pee she has a 'gina.")


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gaialice*
I did give her an open talk about children's birth and all that and because she continued to ask more and more direct questions, at some point I just had no choice but explain how daddy's eggs meet mommy's.... oh boy.... not sure I should have told her so much....however, she is happy with that explanation

My son had the same exact questions when he was 6 years old and I was pregnant with his little sister. I also tried to explain the eggs and sperm to him. He didn't really understand that much to get grossed out or anything but it was enough info for him to be happy.







He hasn't asked anymore sex questions in the last four years. I guess that was enough at that time.







I'm sure there will be more coming soon though since he's going on 11 yrs old. Anyway, he went through the whole pregnancy with me and even talked to the baby while in my belly and stuff like that. It was a great experience for him.


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## **guest** (Jun 25, 2004)

vagina vs. vulva vs. penis

i have been thinking about it. DD has seens DH's penis, and she has seen my vulva. vagina is on the inside, so personally i would not pry myself open to show it to her, in the same way if she wanted to see inside of my anus, or how my stomach looks inside









i am not very coherent







but i think the equivalent of a penis, i mean in terms of kids interested in body parts, is vulva. i would not sit down and get undressed to show it to her (not to make a commotion out of it) but if i were in the shower or on a toilet, i would have no problems, in a casual way.

i have been thinking about a double standard -- the penis is clearly visible







, but vulva is not so.

another question that has been bothering me. am i really justified to censor certain things because others might see them as inappropriate. this is such a scary thought -- that i might harm my children if someone overhears them talking about vulvas and penises, and they might be taken away. but on the other hand, kids talk about all kind of things. DD is 4, and talks about nursing to strangers.







if she were a boy, people might be more concerned. when ds is older, this will also be an issue, if he nurses that long.

now a funny







-- but if my daughter spoke better english (we speak russian at home) i would have been absolutely terrified. she wants DH to pretend he is a caterpillar while he wipes her bum. so he dances as a caterpillar would dance







. but the other day, on the bus, all of a sudden she says, loudly too: 'daddy's caterpillar is ma favorite, when he wipes my vulva'.









her english is improving every day, we better make dady into a butterfly or something!


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## Fiercemama (May 30, 2003)

Hey Anna - how's it going up north? PM me, or send an e-mail. Love to know how you're settling in.

I have a DD, not a DS, and I'm sure I would handle things differently with a boy. Mostly we've looked in books. DD has seen what's fairly visible on the outside when we're in the tub together, and I've also asked her if she wants me to help her feel where her own bits are. Heck, how many adults know where all the female bits are?

Which brings me to my next point. Its always been important to me to use the right words and describe things properly to DD. Pee does not come out of your bum. Its a bit tricky explaining that it doesn't come out of the clitoris either. I know that the pee question is still a bit of a mystery for DD. We use the word vulva. It covers a lot of territory. So many people use the word vagina inaccurately.

Maybe its just me, but I think we do both our daughters AND sons a disservice if we don't make an effort to teach them accurately about female anatomy. Sure, answer as much as your DC is interested in, do what's comfortable for your family, but please don't write off the "female power bundle" as one big messy confusing mystery. We all deserve better! And our DIL's will one day thank us







.


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## mama2silas (Oct 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicholas_mom*
Actually ds said to me...Daddy pees from pe*is (I am at work when typing this) and Mommy pees from the butt. That was fine for a while.

This is exactly what DS said to me. It cracked me up when he said that I pee from my butt. I explained that this wasn't true, but he wasn't hearing any of it.


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## PugglesMum (Oct 25, 2005)

Sort of in the same area... my DS (3 1/2) has recently been asking me 'mummy, why do I have testicles?' so I've been talking to him about how men have sperm and women have eggs and you need both for making babies - to which he's replied 'when i grow up i want you to be my girlfriend and i will help you have a baby in your tummy...'

i'm sure it's very innocent and i tell him no i'm daddy's girlfriend and when you grow up you'll find someone else to be your girlfriend but just wondered if anyone elses ds has said the same kind of things?

i appreciate the reminders to explain female anatomy to him using the right words, have found it quite difficult but i'll try to find some books. he sees me naked every now and then but hasn't asked about my bits specifically for a while...


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## HeatherHeather (Jan 7, 2004)

When my kids went through the what exactly is a penis/vagina phase, I borrowed one of my very good friends babies to baby-sit for the afternoon. (With my friends ok, of course), we naturally discussed the penis/vulva/vagina when changing a diaper. Worked great!


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I've explained that boys have two holes: one for pee and one for poop. Girls and women have three holes: one for pee, one for poop, and one for babies.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PugglesMum*
Sort of in the same area... my DS (3 1/2) has recently been asking me 'mummy, why do I have testicles?' so I've been talking to him about how men have sperm and women have eggs and you need both for making babies - to which he's replied 'when i grow up i want you to be my girlfriend and i will help you have a baby in your tummy...'

i'm sure it's very innocent and i tell him no i'm daddy's girlfriend and when you grow up you'll find someone else to be your girlfriend but just wondered if anyone elses ds has said the same kind of things?

My ds is the same way except I didn't bother explaining that he can't use my uterus to have his babies. I'm confident that he will find that concept quite repellant by the time it is an issue. I just tell him I'd be happy to have his babies and enjoy the sweetness of the sentiment.


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## Fiddlemom (Oct 22, 2003)

haven't read all the posts, but here's what I've done. I've been very explicit, when my 2 boys are curious, about what kinds of 'holes' girls have for pooping, peeing, birthing and how they are similar or different to what boys have. I personally don't like the words 'vagina' and 'vulva' (for some reason I have bad associations--probably the level of body discomfort growing up in my family) so I use "pee hole" "poop hole" and "baby hole". They (esp my 5 yo) know that they grew in my uterus, not my stomach. We have played a really fun game called "baby gets born off the couch" where they are the babies inside the mommy (the couch), I'm the midwife, and I help get them born head first (and occasionally as a footling breech







). My older one esp used to love that game b/c as soon as he's 'born' I turn into his mother and get all gushy and pretend to nurse him.

My oldest has begged me to see a real baby get born. I wish I still lived in my old home city where I knew a million midwives and doulas and childbearing women. I would've probably been able to line it up for him. Pretty soon he's going to be out of the 'young enough' range for that sort of thing.

When they have curious moments I have offered to get out a book (I have a copy of some books from birth class around somewhere) and show them drawings so they can see exactly what those body parts look like. I don't feel right about showing them my own body, and esp right now when I'm working on gently instilling the private part concept with my 5 yo. I want them to know these things as natural and not have all kinds of misconceptions or feel like there's some kind of major taboo. That didn't help me much as a kid. At the same time it seems it's never too early to start age-appropriately instilling the ideas of healthy respect/boundaries as presents with other kids esp girls.

Great idea about getting some kids books from the library about these things!!


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

Im not sure how you all are but right now, my ds is 5, and I still walk around naked. I plan to until he lets me know hes uncomfortable with it. Its not like I hang out for hours naked, but I walk to and from my shower naked and change in front of my kids as needed (in my bedroom). I dont act to cover myself, so he sees me naked almost daily. He has never asked to "see" anything and I wonder if its because its there. Personally if we were talking about body parts, I would just say well you can see my vulva right now, or next time Im naked or you see my vulva when Im naked, but my vagina is inside and I can show you pictures. I think part of why he has never asked is because he knows what the vulva looks like well because my dd is somewhat of an exhibitionist







. She loves to be naked and lays around naked and stuff and so, im sure any natural curiosity has been cured already.


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