# swearing 9 year old... appropriate consequences?



## lilgreen (Dec 5, 2003)

My 9yo ds (#1) swears A LOT. It's almost exclusively directed at me and never when dh is around. I know this is a comfort / safe thing ( ds sees a psychiatrist). He has big anxiety issues but I'd like to think he's improving Anyway, dh is away and I simply can't live with his constant attitude that is expressed through yelling horribly mature swear words. I need to be tough but what are some appropriate consequences? He's beyond going to his room... he just won't go. Help!


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

How do you think he'd react if you calmly said you won't listen to that type of language and stuck ear plugs in your ears (or listened to music on headphones) and then ignored his language? If you think he'd be safe home alone for a few, you could say you aren't going to stay and listen to such talk, that you are taking a walk around the block, and will be back to listen to him when he can speak politely.

It's tricky because you can't really make a kid that age do things. You want the relationship to stay on an even keel (not escalate or get physical). You want him to know you are a safe place for him but not that you'll take outrageous behavior.


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## mom2grrls (Jul 24, 2008)

I guess the first thing I would want to know is do you or your dh swear? Does he have any sort of emotional disorder(i'm assuming something's going on if he's seeing a psychiatrist) that hinders impulse control? I know my children know swear words but so far no one uses them at home and I think it's in part b/c I don't swear and dh does infrequently. Perhaps at a time when he's calm you can ask him what would help this situation, problem solve together. Maybe he could make up a nonsense word for the swear words or be allowed to yell swear words in his room with the door closed. When the older kids are involved, they're more likely to stick to something


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## lilgreen (Dec 5, 2003)

Thanks so much for your replies. Sometimes it's just so comforting to know someone is listening.

4evermom, you described my predicament exactly when you said, "It's tricky because you can't really make a kid that age do things. You want the relationship to stay on an even keel (not escalate or get physical). You want him to know you are a safe place for him but not that you'll take outrageous behavior." His psychiatrist recommends that I just leave, disengage whenever he starts to get worked up - similar to what you're suggesting. That way he can work it out himself. That works sometimes, but not when I'm in the middle of changing ds3's diaper and can't leave before he's escalated, or when we're in the van driving (happens a lot). I've had many heart-felt talks with him after episodes in which he assures me he understands that it is extremely inappropriate and not acceptable. But he does it over and over and when dh isn't around, it's particularly nasty. We're going to my parents' this week and we've been doing this summer trip (without DH because he's away for business all of July) every year and every year it's awful... it would be awful no matter where we are, but my mom said she simply did not allow that kind of language when we were young. I don't know how to do that! I should note that he has thankfully progressed from expressing his anxiety through physical means to this more verbal form.... not entirely sure if it's actually progress because I feel more battered from the words.

So anyways, mom2grrls, I don't swear ever and dh only infrequently. Maybe he gets it from movies? I don't know if that's a relevant issue to address or not. Ds3 has anxiety problems (Anxiety NOS) and his psychiatrist says that has never learned how to manage that anxiety in a healthy way (Dh used to be abusive but thankfully we've come a long long way and I can happily and proudly say that he is not abusive anymore, although he can be rather intimidating at his worst of times). It is definitely an impulse control issue. Ds3 is a wonderful, loving, sensitive boy most of the time. I just need to know how to set my limits while also helping him learn healthier ways to manage his anxiety. We've been working on establishing a set of tools for him to draw on when he gets worked up but when he gets to the point where he is throwing horrible swear words at me, he is beyond thinking rationally so that doesn't help yet. Sigh.

After writing this, I don't know how anyone can offer any advice, but if you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them.

Thank you so much, even just for listening!


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I think helping him to develop ways to deal with the anxiety would be more important than dealing with the swearing straight on. It's a symptom, not the real problem. Is he in CBT? Is his therapist working with him on how to deal with it better?

What kind of activities is he in? My DD (who has a social anxiety disorder) loves swimming. Swim practice is uber relaxing for her. A martial art might be nice for your son -- getting better in touch with himself, working on self control, etc. Helping him find his things could be VERY helpful for him.

In the mean time, I would try to remain calm and say something like "I won't be spoken to like that" and then leave the room for a few minutes.

Good luck!


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

this is the kind of situation where you might be able to work out a reward system with him. There are two issues (at least):

1. Stopping the swearing/abusive language

2. Finding another way to release stress/calm himself.

These are behaviors he needs to learn, and it's this kind of situation where a short-term rewards program might well work. What motivates him? What would he like to do? Can you work with his therapist to come up with a system that works? It would need to allow him some short-term quick rewards initially. If it's too hard, he'll give up.

Have you done family counseling in addition to individual? It sounds like someone looking at family issues might help. You said he's seeing a psychiatrist -- does the psych do therapy? Or just prescribe meds (there are both kinds). I might also recommend counseling for dad+son together. It sounds like he's still scared of dad, and that could really backfire was he moves into puberty.

My additional suggestions for dealing with it. When he starts in while your diaper changing, disengage, finish as quickly as you can, and remove yourself. When you're driving, pull over a safe spot on the side of the road, take out a book and wait him out. Get yourself and the little kids out of the car if you need to. This is a safety issue. You should not drive under those circumstances.

Finally, a book recommendation: The Challenging Child by Stanley Greenspan. Very AP compatible, but meant for kids who aren't quite typical.


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## lilgreen (Dec 5, 2003)

Quote:


> I think helping him to develop ways to deal with the anxiety would be more important than dealing with the swearing straight on. It's a symptom, not the real problem. Is he in CBT? Is his therapist working with him on how to deal with it better?


Yes, his psychiatrist (no prescriptions) is doing CBT with him. I agree that the distinction of swearing as a symptom is important. So far, he has definitely acquired a greater emotional awareness. This new level of reflexivity is great and it can and does sometimes help him work through a problem. He loves baseball and soccer and plays on teams and is a great little athlete so he gets a lot from those activities, but I think martial arts is a great suggestion for him!

Family counseling is out. Although dh has made massive improvements in himself he does not believe in this whole therapy stuff and thinks that ds3's therapy is a waste of time. I make occaissional meetings with the psychiatrist so I can be as involved in his therapy as possible, but I know he loves going there in part because it gives him an opportunity to just talk about his worries so I don't ask too much about what they did or talked about in sessions. She fills me in on things to practice, helpful books to read, etc.

Thanks Lynn for the suggestions of what to do when he escalates - they're great! I think the reward system might work while we're visiting my parents. I'll have to think about that!

Thanks so much everyone! I'm feeling somewhat rejuvinated with hope


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## Pamamma (Jul 18, 2011)

You mentioned your Son swears more when your husband is away. Is there some connection? Is he angry or feeling disconected from his father? I have a 3 1/2 year old and he swears but since my husband and he have been spending more quality and peaceful time together, his outbursts of swearing have greatly declined. Also, as a child with anxiety myself, my world really changed when I discovered running at 11. Does he get enough physical exercise? There is a great website for kids running http://kidsrunning.com/. Also, when my son swears I used to leave the room, but it did not really help, since he does not know how to cope/soothe himself, so now I just wait and then begin a conversation about something special about him and then work my way into a conversation about the swear words. He apologizes and we move on. I feel much better handling it this way because I know he does not do it to be "bad", but to deal with his anger, pain, frustration. He is slowly using them less, but when he is tired and frustrated they are still a part of his arsenal for coping, but I see improvement.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

lilgreen is his swearing a coping strategy? instead of hitting or throwing things he is swearing? does he need to have that outlet? can you offer him something else in exchange for those words. would he be willing to scream those words into a pillow so no one really has to hear? maybe even help him get a new screaming pillow to scream into.

i mean he is a reasonable child. he gets what you are saying. but it seems like he cant really control himself. but you cant keep on tolerating him behaving that way. its great to disengage but if that is a struggle ...

has he been doing this long? or could it be something that he is working out of his system.

do you object to the words itself or his tone of voice?

is he swearing when he is angry with you? so he is trying to express his anger but with words. in other words does he just lose it when he gets mad? it might be an age thing.

can you just ignore it and him completely when he is swearing? behave as if you dont even see him?


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

What about expressing himself through art?

may be making pictures or sculptures about how he feels would give him another outlet for those strong emotions.


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