# starting to get really angry about my c-section



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

matthew was transverse with the cord wrapped around his neck 3 times. the ob was afraid if she manually turned him that the placenta might come detached during labor. i KNOW that it was necessary. my midwives were at the hospital too and they agreed that i should go through with it.

up until now, i have been GRATEFUL for the c-section because it allowed me 3 days in the hospital to hold him and love him. and i AM grateful for that.

but the past few days, i'm feeling really pissed off about being cut. i hate the scar. i hate feeling the hard ridge along my bikini line. it's ugly and red. i have NO FEELING for several inches above the incision. i feel like i've been ruined. when dh rests his hand on my abdomen, i can't feel it and i hate that!

i wish i could have birthed my baby vaginally. i wish i could have felt him come out instead of having some stranger take him out of me. when i first found out he was gone, i wsa terrified of having to go through labor, but it would have felt so much more appropriate to be in agonizing pain than to be anesthetized. i wish i had the memory of birthing him and bringing him to my chest and sobbing over him.

how is it FAIR that not only do i have to live in fear of another cord accident in my next pregnancy but i also have to now research vbac's and the risk of uterine rupture AND i can't get pregnant for a few more months?

and finally, my uterus is not going down. it's still just barely below my belly button after an entire month. i've never read of this being a side effect of c-section. i can remember those strong afterbirth pains while nursing my other babies. it just makes it so OBVIOUS that there really is no baby, my body doesn't even know what to do.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I have a lot of similar feelings about my c-section. Lachlan was my firstborn, and now I've had this surgery which will affect my future ability to have children. I don't have confidence in my own body anymore to do what it's supposed to and I'm so scared of uterine rupture or shoulder dysloca (which would result in the same brain damage that Lachlan had) that I've already decided on a repeat c-section. But that's not what I wanted! It's not how it was supposed to go! It sucks to have had a section and not bring a baby home. And like you Calmom, I'm waiting for the scar to heal before ttc, and that sucks too. I hate that my body is weaker now, even though the I know the section was so necessary and I wouldn't have met Lachlan while he was alive if it wasn't for the surgery.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

A c-section is a trauma in and of itself...and adding the loss of a baby just makes it worse. I am so sorry.

I had an unneeded c-section 19 years ago....totally iatrogenic...it traumatised me for years. I remember the terror of being cut open..and hated the scar that was left. I still have less feeling around my scar. My belly never really figured out how to lie flat above it, and instead there is a little flap that hangs over it...not the most lovely sight. I waited 6 years to have another child, and am so glad I chose to do a V-bac. I remember crying when I held my little boy, not only because of how full my heart was...but because a huge pain healed that day...the pain of feeling robbed of birth.

Silent knife was a HUGE help in my choice to have a v-bac, and Bradely method classes gave me the confidence that I could do it safely. Statistically, it is safer to give birth naturally...even as a v-bac, than it is to choose an unneccisary c-section.

Be safe mama.....love yourself. I am so sorry for your loss. It wasn't your fault. We all want to go back and do things differently. We can't stop trusting life even though we feel so betrayed by loseing our babies. It is so unfair. so devastatingly unfair.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that you are dealing with two traumas at once. That's got to be very hard. The feelings your having are probably within the realm of normal based on what you've experienced. Part of the grieving process and you have something tangible to direct your anger at maybe.

I had an unwanted c-section with my first 19 years ago. I was angry about the whole thing even though, based on what I knew at the time, I thought it was necessary. (Now I know it may not have been but that's a different issue.) I have had 2 vbacs since then, the 2nd of which was homebirth.

I know you're not here yet but this does not mean that your body is irreparably broken. You are still as beautiful as ever. You should have some feeling come back. That happens very slowly. A month is not much time into the healing process after surgery, not to mention grieving for your loss. I still don't have feeling right at my scar but can feel all around it. It took years to get to that point.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jules09* 
even though the I know the section was so necessary and I wouldn't have met Lachlan while he was alive if it wasn't for the surgery.

Oh, me too! I had an emergency c/s and Freja was in severe distress. Without the c/s, I wouldn't of had those 15 days with her. So bittersweet.








I've gone through serious cycles of depression over having the section. I had thought up until a couple weeks ago when I finally got my medical records that my section was a Classical. I have a vertical cut on my abdomen, and every doctor and nurse I spoke to and asked their opinion was certain that my uterus would've been cut vertically as well, since it was an emergency. If this were the case, a VBAC would be out of the question, due to high rupture rates. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief and how UNEXPECTED it was when my doctor read over my post-op records and told me it was a low transverse cut. I had prepared myself emotionally to have to accept the fact that I would have no more babies naturally (a HUGE loss for me as well, since I've had two previous ones with zero complications or interventions.)
I have come to terms with my scar. If it were caused by anything other than the c/s I would be upset, but I try to think of it as a mark that Freja left upon me. This whole losing a baby experience has left me scarred in so many ways, this just happens to be one that is visible.
My scar still hurts. I wish it had been a horizontal cut on my skin instead, because the waistband of my pants REALLY irritates it. I don't want to sound shallow, but I've always been in pretty good shape physically and it does make me sad sometimes that I won't feel confident anymore to wear a two-piece bathing suit.
I'm trying to find out as much as I can about VBAC now too. My doctor told me that an interval of a year between births is acceptable, but I want to make *sure* that this is the right choice for me and a future baby. The whole rupture thing is very scary. I've already lost one baby, I *NEVER EVER EVER* want to come home without one EVER again.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
and finally, my uterus is not going down. it's still just barely below my belly button after an entire month. i've never read of this being a side effect of c-section. i can remember those strong afterbirth pains while nursing my other babies. it just makes it so OBVIOUS that there really is no baby, my body doesn't even know what to do.

Mine was like this too. I was having a hard time trying to figure out if what I was feeling was scar tissue internally, or my uterus. It felt hard and it was high - like you said, around my belly button. I never remember it staying so high for such a long time after my natural births. I don't know if this is "normal" but it did happen to me too, unfortunately I couldn't get in to see a doctor until around 8 wks pp and by then things had returned pretty much to normal.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I haven't had one... although sometimes I wish I had. Birthing William was the most painful experience of my life (both physically and emotionally). But really, I don't wish I'd had one (even though I asked for one!) And I can understand you mourning both the loss of your son, and the loss of the birth you expected. Surgery is traumatic, regardless.

Big







to you, mama. You have every right to grieve this loss, too.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
how is it FAIR that not only do i have to live in fear of another cord accident in my next pregnancy but i also have to now research vbac's and the risk of uterine rupture AND i can't get pregnant for a few more months?

I just had to say ((hugs))
I feel the same way. I have a *slightly* higher chance of having another baby with a Trisomy. Very slight, but still a huge concern and worry. I couldn't imagine going through this again. And, now it really scares me to think of possibly rupturing and losing another baby that way. Or my uterus. Very scary


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## TanyaS (Jun 24, 2003)

Maybe this article will help?

http://www.birthtruth.org/grateful.htm


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jules09* 







I have a lot of similar feelings about my c-section. Lachlan was my firstborn, and now I've had this surgery which will affect my future ability to have children. I don't have confidence in my own body anymore to do what it's supposed to and I'm so scared of uterine rupture or shoulder dysloca (which would result in the same brain damage that Lachlan had) that I've already decided on a repeat c-section. But that's not what I wanted! It's not how it was supposed to go! It sucks to have had a section and not bring a baby home. And like you Calmom, I'm waiting for the scar to heal before ttc, and that sucks too. I hate that my body is weaker now, even though the I know the section was so necessary and I wouldn't have met Lachlan while he was alive if it wasn't for the surgery.

Jules, I'm so sorry that your first experience of birth was so tragic.







i can completely understand your choosing repeat c/s. i may end up coming to the same decision. i hate, hate, hate waiting but at least we can wait together.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
ASilent knife was a HUGE help in my choice to have a v-bac, and Bradely method classes gave me the confidence that I could do it safely. Statistically, it is safer to give birth naturally...even as a v-bac, than it is to choose an unneccisary c-section.

.

i keep hearing recc's for Silent Knife but i'm scared to read it. i'm afraid that all the facts about c/s will make me more scared to vbac, yk? like i just recently read that after c/s, you're more likely to have bad placenta placement and higher chance of m/c. is it an inspiring book if you're looking to vbac?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
I had an unwanted c-section with my first 19 years ago. I was angry about the whole thing even though, based on what I knew at the time, I thought it was necessary. (Now I know it may not have been but that's a different issue.) I have had 2 vbacs since then, the 2nd of which was homebirth.

I know you're not here yet but this does not mean that your body is irreparably broken. You are still as beautiful as ever. You should have some feeling come back. That happens very slowly. A month is not much time into the healing process after surgery, not to mention grieving for your loss. I still don't have feeling right at my scar but can feel all around it. It took years to get to that point.










yay for your vbacs, especially the homebirth. that's what i want desperately.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alternamama82* 
Mine was like this too. I was having a hard time trying to figure out if what I was feeling was scar tissue internally, or my uterus. It felt hard and it was high - like you said, around my belly button. I never remember it staying so high for such a long time after my natural births. I don't know if this is "normal" but it did happen to me too, unfortunately I couldn't get in to see a doctor until around 8 wks pp and by then things had returned pretty much to normal.

i'm SO glad this symptom is not just me and that you went back to normal. my ob got me all scared about possible fibroids!!!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
I haven't had one... although sometimes I wish I had. Birthing William was the most painful experience of my life (both physically and emotionally). But really, I don't wish I'd had one (even though I asked for one!) And I can understand you mourning both the loss of your son, and the loss of the birth you expected. Surgery is traumatic, regardless.

Big







to you, mama. You have every right to grieve this loss, too.

there's no "better" way to lose our babies, is there? i keep trying to come up with ways that this could have been better but really, i know there's no way around the difficulty.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TanyaS* 







Maybe this article will help?

http://www.birthtruth.org/grateful.htm

thanks, tanya.

thanks for all the support. i just got done crying to dh about it some more. it's temporarily replacing my crying about matthew.


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

I get angry about mine too
I know mine was needed as well, my daughter was transverse, and I was only 25 weeks pregnant...
I was fine with it when she was alive, because she was to be my last baby. But when she died and we decided to try again, I was very upset I'd never have another vaginal delivery since my uterine incision is vertical.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

thinking of you


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