# Other Mom's Being Mean...



## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

I know that I'm pregnant so I'm probably over reacting because of hormones. I just feel very alone. Let me explain what happened today.
I was at church, sitting in the lobby (the chairs in the sanctuary hurt my back these days) watching the sermon. One of my close friends came and sat with me with her new son and another woman who has had 3 kids was with her. They started talking to me about my upcoming birth (I am 31w3d). Someone said something about getting an epidural. I replied that I'm going to have a natural birth, with no medications.
And they laughed at me. They laughed and said "yeah, _good luck._"
I was embarrassed, I felt naive. So I tried to justify myself. I said "women have been having babies for thousands of years. My mother, grandmother, aunts and cousins have all had multiple natural births. I'm not worried about my ability to give birth naturally."
My friend said, "yeah, I was cocky too."

Because of this conversation, I am now terrified where I used to be confident. I'm anxious where I used to be calm. I need reassurance. Someone please help me...


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

I got those comments a lot, too. And I did go on to have two natural births. I don't think those comments had anything to do with you personally. They were addressing their own feelings and experiences, not yours.


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthmama369* 
I got those comments a lot, too. And I did go on to have two natural births. I don't think those comments had anything to do with you personally. They were addressing their own feelings and experiences, not yours.

I know, it just hurt my feelings. I feel like no one believes that I can do it. I'm starting to doubt myself...


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## kangaroomum25 (Jun 21, 2007)

Ignore them, you'll do great! Then you can go back and tell them how awsome you're birth was, and they'll look at you like you have a third eye, but that's ok too


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I cannot count how many conversations I've had EXACTLY like this. Did you also get the eye-rolling & the whole "you don't know what you're talking about" sigh?

Because of this I refuse to talk about my birth plans with anyone unless I know for sure they will be supportive. I do a lot of nodding & smiling when people start giving me "advice" & just let it pass right through me.

We'll both do great!!!


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Thanks ladies...I know I'm going to do it. I'm just getting more terrified of the pain.


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## Mommal (Dec 16, 2007)

If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Oh, you'll want the epidural" or "You'll LOVE your anesthesiologist" etc., I'd have quite a few dollars. Don't listen. People who say these things are just trying to make themselves feel better about their births by bringing you down. They didn't succeed at having natural births, and they don't want to believe that anyone else can, either, because if some women can have totally natural births, that must mean that the ones who caved in to the epidural or the c-section are weak, or that their bodies are defective. That must be a sad feeling to live with.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

I'm all hormonal too....

FRACK them and FRACK their stupid opinions!! I'm only 6wks I am will snap the neck of the next person who gives me unwarranted "birth advice" I can only imagine 32 weeks of "opinions" BLAH!!! People should know better by now to not anger preggos...

Honestly, I am more scared of the pain of INTERVENTION then I am the pain of natural birth! My body is equipped to handle a normal birth, not a rushed, medicated "let me put this needle in your spine" birth







:


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommal* 
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Oh, you'll want the epidural" or "You'll LOVE your anesthesiologist" etc., I'd have quite a few dollars. Don't listen. People who say these things are just trying to make themselves feel better about their births by bringing you down. They didn't succeed at having natural births, and they don't want to believe that anyone else can, either, because if some women can have totally natural births, that must mean that the ones who caved in to the epidural or the c-section are weak, or that their bodies are defective. That must be a sad feeling to live with.

Yeah that's true...I can't have an epidural even if I want one anyway. I'm having Corbin in a birth center. If I do have to transfer to a hospital, my husband is under strict instructions to deny medication for me unless I use a code word which only we know.


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## meganmarie (Jan 29, 2005)

I got those exact same comments. From just about every co-worker mom in my office. Absolutely, those comments are how these women deal with their OWN feelings and have nothing to do with you.
Don't get anxious, get MAD! For me, every skeptical comment I got made me more determined than ever to have a natural childbirth. I wanted to do it because it was the best thing for me and my baby, but almost as much I wanted to prove those skeptics wrong! It was as though I had made a public commitment to go through with this thing, and there was no way I was going to go back in the office with my tail between my legs and admit they were right. This approach may not fit your personality, but I guess it worked for me. I've had two fabulous natural births, and I am so happy I didn't let anyone change my mind or sow doubt in me.
By the way, when I hear women who say "I wanted to try it with out the drugs, but then I just couldn't handle the pain blah blah blah" I have two reactions. One is, "trying" isn't likely to cut it. Of course labor involves pain! If your plan is to just go in there and see how much it hurts and then hope you don't feel the need for drugs, that's pretty much guaranteeing an epidural. In my opinion, you need to be pretty committed to the concept of natural birthing and understand why it is important, as I'm sure you are. The other reaction is, "handling" the pain requires preparation. The pain is there for a reason - it is telling your body what to do, and its helping your baby come into the world. I *learned* how to handle the pain through classes, research and PRACTICE - lots of practice - prenatal yoga, relaxation techniques, just lying in bed at night breathing slowly and deeply. My sense is that 80% of women barely prepare for birth at all - and I bet, if you're posting on MDC, you are more prepared than anyone at your church ever was!
Good luck and keep your confidence - read all the great natural birth stories here at MDC - you are going to do great.


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## mrsdocmartin (Nov 16, 2006)

IGNORE THEM! Everyone told me that too. They all said I was "way too big of a wimp", and I'd be "begging for the drugs" Well, guess what, even with pitocin (BAD STUFF, AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS), even with 28 hours of labor, I didn't even have a tylenol. Giving birth is the most exhilirating, empowering thing you will ever do. My birth was very painful, I'm not going to lie, but I did it, and so can you!







:








MDC mamas are with you!


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meganmarie* 
I got those exact same comments. From just about every co-worker mom in my office. Absolutely, those comments are how these women deal with their OWN feelings and have nothing to do with you.
Don't get anxious, get MAD! For me, every skeptical comment I got made me more determined than ever to have a natural childbirth. I wanted to do it because it was the best thing for me and my baby, but almost as much I wanted to prove those skeptics wrong! It was as though I had made a public commitment to go through with this thing, and there was no way I was going to go back in the office with my tail between my legs and admit they were right. This approach may not fit your personality, but I guess it worked for me. I've had two fabulous natural births, and I am so happy I didn't let anyone change my mind or sow doubt in me.
By the way, when I hear women who say "I wanted to try it with out the drugs, but then I just couldn't handle the pain blah blah blah" I have two reactions. One is, "trying" isn't likely to cut it. Of course labor involves pain! If your plan is to just go in there and see how much it hurts and then hope you don't feel the need for drugs, that's pretty much guaranteeing an epidural. In my opinion, you need to be pretty committed to the concept of natural birthing and understand why it is important, as I'm sure you are. The other reaction is, "handling" the pain requires preparation. The pain is there for a reason - it is telling your body what to do, and its helping your baby come into the world. I *learned* how to handle the pain through classes, research and PRACTICE - lots of practice - prenatal yoga, relaxation techniques, just lying in bed at night breathing slowly and deeply. My sense is that 80% of women barely prepare for birth at all - and I bet, if you're posting on MDC, you are more prepared than anyone at your church ever was!
Good luck and keep your confidence - read all the great natural birth stories here at MDC - you are going to do great.

Thanks, I like to think that I'm prepared. But I can't think of how to be. I read natural birth stories and watch hundreds of birth videos. I don't know how to practice birth! Any advice?


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsdocmartin* 
IGNORE THEM! Everyone told me that too. They all said I was "way too big of a wimp", and I'd be "begging for the drugs" Well, guess what, even with pitocin (BAD STUFF, AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS), even with 28 hours of labor, I didn't even have a tylenol. Giving birth is the most exhilirating, empowering thing you will ever do. My birth was very painful, I'm not going to lie, but I did it, and so can you!







:








MDC mamas are with you!

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind during my own labor. You ladies are so great, I knew if I could just get to MDC that I would be ok.


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

Let their ignorant remarks be even more of an incentive to succeed! Just imagine how good it'll feel when they ask you how your birth went and you can smile and say, "It was great - all natural, no drugs." And then they can EAT THEIR WORDS. Oh yes.

Half of the reason why I love DS2's birth is because I proved everyone wrong who told me I couldn't do it. IN YOUR FACE!









Plus, remember that they're forgetting one important thing - you aren't them. Just because they had an epidural doesn't mean you will. Just because X or Y or Z happened to them doesn't mean it'll happen to you. They're projecting their own birth experiences onto you, and that's not fair.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I had cousins laugh in my face for my ideas. But I went on to have two amazing natural births.... so I guess I got the last laugh.


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *barefootpoetry* 
Let their ignorant remarks be even more of an incentive to succeed! Just imagine how good it'll feel when they ask you how your birth went and you can smile and say, "It was great - all natural, no drugs." And then they can EAT THEIR WORDS. Oh yes.

Half of the reason why I love DS2's birth is because I proved everyone wrong who told me I couldn't do it. IN YOUR FACE!









Plus, remember that they're forgetting one important thing - you aren't them. Just because they had an epidural doesn't mean you will. Just because X or Y or Z happened to them doesn't mean it'll happen to you. They're projecting their own birth experiences onto you, and that's not fair.

Thanks, I have to remember too that they were strapped down to a bed on their backs and I will have freedom to move around.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

DH's cousin actually yelled at me at my baby shower when she found out I was planning an unmedicated birth. How inappropriate and rude, right? But I think it was really just a reflection of her own insecurities and fears. She didn't have the birth she wanted, so she was trying to spread some misery around. It sucks, but it happens. Try not to take it personally, and don't feel bad about keeping people like that at a distance for the rest of your pregnancy. You don't need their negativity in your life. I will certainly never see this cousin in the same light again. I feel sorry for her but that doesn't mean I have to let her bring me down, you know?

You're right when you say that you can do this. All of your female ancestors have done it and you will too. Stay strong and congratulations! Even if they won't support you, we can. You're going to do great.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

Don't listen... Every birth is different. Not every birth is awful.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Get used to it







It's the first of many disagreements you will have with other mothers. The difference is- you will grow in your confidence as a mom and at some point it seems the unwanted advice lessens. Those moms were very rude to shoot down your hopes for your birth. Next time say "I know I am new at this, but that doesn't mean I can't have hopes and dreams for my first birth- didn't you?"
You can do it. It was the worst pain I have ever had in my life but it made the end so sweet and the memories so sharp following. I'm very grateful for my birth plan and the nurse that made it possible for me.
Good luck!


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthmama369* 
I got those comments a lot, too. And I did go on to have two natural births. I don't think those comments had anything to do with you personally. *They were addressing their own feelings and experiences, not yours.*

This is very, very true!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
I know, it just hurt my feelings. I feel like no one believes that I can do it. I'm starting to doubt myself...

I believe you can.









As others have said, there's a HUGE difference between walking in to a hospital with a "well, I'd _like_ to go natural (because it'll get me brownie/bragging points/I've heard it's 'best' but I don't know why/my cousin Sara did it and I hate how she smirks at me)", and making a very informed decision to birth without easy access to pain medications, in a place with a low risk of interventions, because you want what you know to be *safest for you and your baby*. There's a chance you might actually need interventions of some kind -- no matter how well prepared we are, there's always that chance. But you can *minimize* those odds with your educated choices, and *maximize* your odds of the best outcome possible -- a healthy, drug-free, no intervention vaginal birth in a mother-friendly and baby-friendly, emotionally supportive and empowering atmosphere.

In the Western medical model of birth, "they" are absolutely right that the odds of you getting that outcome are really, really low. But you know what? You're not following the Western medical model of birth, so *your* odds are really pretty good. You know what to expect, as much as possible (you know to expect the unexpected, right?







). You know what the range of possibilities are. You know you _might_ *need* pain medication, and you've arranged a way to have access to that, without having easy access. You will do great!

And next time, tell 'em to stuff it. Or just stuff your fingers in your ears and hum a happy tune.







:


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## treespeak (Nov 30, 2007)

Keep your eyes and heart locked in on how you want to bring your baby into the world, mama. You CAN do it! One thing that helped me prepare for giving birth was to watch videos of other women birthing naturally. I'd sit on my birthball and cry as I watched some births--it was a way for me to get out my fears and know that I too could birth my baby on my own terms, with full awareness and sensation. Your midwife likely has a library of DVDs if you're interested.


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## zak (Mar 6, 2005)

I just hate how words can start to mess with emotions.









You can do it, Mama!! :cheeringyouon:


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treespeak* 
Keep your eyes and heart locked in on how you want to bring your baby into the world, mama. You CAN do it! One thing that helped me prepare for giving birth was to watch videos of other women birthing naturally. I'd sit on my birthball and cry as I watched some births--it was a way for me to get out my fears and know that I too could birth my baby on my own terms, with full awareness and sensation. Your midwife likely has a library of DVDs if you're interested.

Thank you so much. Did you go on to have a natural birth? I've watched about every natural birth there is on youtube and read Journey Into Motherhood and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth twice. I hope that it helps in the end.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
I know, it just hurt my feelings. I feel like no one believes that I can do it. I'm starting to doubt myself...

if they admit that its not that difficult to have a natural, unmedicated birth, then it means they failed (in their minds, not mine...).

im just saying that i dont think this should make you feel anyway...other than maybe feel sorry that they have bought into the fear of child birth.

ive had 2 managed births and one vbac naturally..i can tell you that my natural birth was sooo much more satisfying.

do your research and make sure you deal w/ your feelings and fears prior to the birth...dont let the petty comments designed to make these women feel better about their births affect you.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

Goodness, I hate it when people say things like that.







Of course you can do...and, since you were in church at the time, I think you should have said something like, "I am confident that my body is able to work in the way God intended it too. I'm quite sure Eve didn't have an epidural."









There is a wonderful cd out that really helped me get my mind wrapped around natural child birth and that I could do it. I'll see if I can find it. It would be perfect for you right now. I actually have an extra one, but I'm hard pressed to find in.







I'll be back.


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## Limabean1975 (Jan 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
Thanks ladies...I know I'm going to do it. I'm just getting more terrified of the pain.

YOU CAN DO IT. You can. Really. I have a very low pain tolerance - I've even had dentists and estheticians comment on it! (getting my eyebrows waxed is hell!). BUT I did it. I birthed naturally. You can too!


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## veronicalynne (Nov 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthmama369* 
I got those comments a lot, too. And I did go on to have two natural births. I don't think those comments had anything to do with you personally. They were addressing their own feelings and experiences, not yours.

Yeah to the above exactly.........I also had two natural births. You can do it!!!!!!!!!!!







:


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## janefriar (Jun 20, 2006)

I recommend reading Birthing From Within.


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## kailotus (Nov 15, 2007)

Just here to chime in and say YOU CAN DO IT! I'm a wimp and I did it twice. When its time to birth your child your deepest strongest self will rise up and take care of business! It will be the most amazing transformative experience of your whole life! I will wish for you to have a quick and easy birth, but even if its not easy or quick, you can and will do it!!!!







:


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## Picturesque (May 31, 2007)

Oh, you can totally do this. I had zero support (other than my mom and DH) for my plans to birth naturally. I heard every negative comment in the book. Over and over. But I did it! And it was wonderful - the most amazing experience of my life. I'm so glad I didn't allow those nay-sayers to take that from me. And you know what? After I had the birth I wanted, everyone SHUT UP. Next time I won't have to worry about others telling me what it will be like, because _I've_ done it and _they_ haven't.


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *janefriar* 
I recommend reading Birthing From Within.

Second that. I'd also add Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. Ina May Gaskin noted that labors were shorter once women had voiced and dealt with their fears. It's even better to get this out of the way _before_ labor.


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## hellyaellen (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
Thanks, I like to think that I'm prepared. But I can't think of how to be. I read natural birth stories and watch hundreds of birth videos. I don't know how to practice birth! Any advice?

creative visualization is a technique i read about in several places.... iknow gayle peterson has a chapter on it in birthing normally, but basically you just visualize yourself birthing naturally in a very very vivid way.......kind of fell your muscles doing it while you visualize it

theres also a practice technique in birthing naturally the bradley way

two more good ways to practice

one when you have braxton hicks contractions, pretend its a labor contraction....relax and breath through it, put yoy hands on your belly and feel where the muscles are working

two.... when you poop, breathe it out just like you will the baby practice feeling your muscles work all by themselves, you know how when you poop its almost involuntary asside from maybe a little push at the end? having a baby can be very similar

hth


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## Jaysfamily (Jun 5, 2008)

In a hospital where you don't stand up for yourself and allow them to do interventions that complicate your birth, it can make it more painful. Trust your body and you will do just fine!! Your body knows how to birth and don't let any doctor, nurse, friend, relative, stranger at the store, etc, convince you otherwise!!


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## nia82 (May 6, 2008)

I heard it tons of times... Even after I gave birth, without epidural, other mothers rolled their eyes at me and called me crazy. Oh boy who cares, important is that you do what you want and get what you want. Of course at some point in labor many people say oh gosh I want pain relief, I certainly said so, but that's why I had DH with me (any support person will do) to encourage me and go through with it. I knew that I might cave since I hate pain, but like I said, that's why my strong DH was my back up plan and it worked... He talked me through the pain and out of the pain meds...


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## SABE (May 22, 2005)

I got plenty of comments like that when I was pregnant with my first child, and that just motivated me even more to prove them wrong and have my unmedicated birth. Now that I've had three of them, some of the same people act like I have some sort of superhero status, which makes me equally uncomfortable. I guess I'm hard to please!


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I got those comments while pg with DD1. I will say that when I was pushing, I focused on those comments and kept telling myself that I could do, I was strong, I would show them, women had been doing it for thousands of years, etc... And it worked for me.







Good luck.


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## Mommyintraining2 (Dec 17, 2006)

Is this your first child? It seems like we mothers just LOVE to share our experience with the inexperienced. Especially since the inexperienced are at a disadvantage. They can't defend themselves about something they have not yet done. It's very unfair. And I try to remember that now when talking to a newly pregnant mom. I try NOT to tell her how it's going to be, because frankly, my experience has nothing to do with what she will experience.

Last week, an "experienced" mother saw my 39 week belly and when she heard a little baby crying out in the hall, she told me that that's what I have to look forward to for a long time. I thought to myself that if I didn't already know that (I have a four year old and a one year old), I would feel really discouraged and a little bit demeaned by her comment. When I told her I have already been there, her manner changed to a fellow mom. I think it's just a tendency of mothers some times. Just remember that it doesn't reflect on you or what your experience will be.

As far as worrying about the pain, remember that many mamas have natural childbirth and then CHOOSE to do it again...and again.

And one more thing to remember is that when a mama hits transition, many many times she says she wants something for the pain. When and if that happens to you, remember what it really is: transition. You're almost done! And you CAN do it naturally!


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## skyblufig (Aug 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
Someone said something about getting an epidural. I replied that I'm going to have a natural birth, with no medications.
And they laughed at me. They laughed and said "yeah, _good luck._"
I was embarrassed, I felt naive. So I tried to justify myself. I said "women have been having babies for thousands of years. My mother, grandmother, aunts and cousins have all had multiple natural births. I'm not worried about my ability to give birth naturally."
My friend said, "yeah, I was cocky too."

Because of this conversation, I am now terrified where I used to be confident. I'm anxious where I used to be calm. I need reassurance. Someone please help me...

Big, huge, confidence-building hugs to you! My best advice is, find a mantra that really resonates with yourself and keep repeating it in your head every single time you hear someone say something like this.

Don't you let the Big Mouths of the world trespass on _your_ birthing experience. I know you can do it, and *so do you*.


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## Sioko (Feb 3, 2007)

I had those comments too with baby number 1. And since it was so uncommon at the hospital too, to have a natural labor, I got the unbelieving shrugs and the "it's still not too late.... if you change your mind...." from the nurses.

I started doubting myself, because of everyone (except my mom) acting like I was attempting the impossible. So I got a dose of staydol because I let them make me afraid of the pain.

But it turned out that It wasn't more than I could handle after all. The drug sucked and made me sick, and I realized, thinking back on my birth like, "That wasn't so bad, except for the sickness from the drug...." So DD2 was born without any pain-meds at all! Because I knew it wouldn't be so terrible after all, I'd already done it once!

And after you do it once, people (who know) don't say stuff like that anymore. And it's on your "record" after that, so even the nurses don't act like it's impossible. You won't have to deal with it so much again!

*You can do what ever you believe you can do!*

Don't let the personal fears of others affect you! *You can do it, because you've decided to do it!*














:


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## hattifattener (Jan 10, 2008)

You know what's sort of fun, mama? I don't know if you're planning on having a second child or not, but I've really been enjoying the following kind of scenario: someone who doesn't really know me asks what kind of birth I plan on having, and I tell them, and they scoff... then I smile sweetly and say "I'm not worried about it. Natural birth went fine with DD1."

I guess this appeals to me because they start out thinking I'm cocky for daring to think that I could handle a natural birth, but then they might realize that they're a little cocky for making assumptions.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I heard that so many times







: But you know what it was so sweet to be able to go back and say "See I told you so"









I gave myself no options for pain medication it just wasnt something I could do. So that is the thought that got me through.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommal* 
People who say these things are just trying to make themselves feel better about their births by bringing you down. They didn't succeed at having natural births, and they don't want to believe that anyone else can, either, because if some women can have totally natural births, that must mean that the ones who caved in to the epidural or the c-section are weak, or that their bodies are defective. That must be a sad feeling to live with.


But how is saying these things any better than saying "you'll never make it through without an epidural?" I will be the first to admit that I had an epidural with my DD's vaginal birth and I had no desire for a natural birth. Just because some women make choices in their birth that differ from yours does not mean that they are unsatisfied with their birth and need to scare and harass a new mom to make themselves feel beter. Because I chose an epidural does not make me weak, does not mean that I "caved", and I am most certainly not defective.

Just because a mom makes different choices in labor than you would does not make her inferior.

To the OP - please do not let these moms scare you - I have found that when women say such things it is usually in a joking manner, kinda schoolyard I'm better than you banter, and I would doubt that their intention is probably not to discourage you from birthing any way that makes you happy. I hope your birth is everything you dreamed it would be.


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## elanorh (Feb 1, 2006)

My mom, sisters, and cousin have all birthed naturally, no meds too. As did I. Before Ina was born, I worried a bit about whether it was really as manageable as they said ... like, given all the horrific stuff you see/hear in movies and on TV and from other moms, whether my family was just sugar-coating it for me.

My older sister assured me that really, it is just fine. That when Mom said it was like bad menstrual cramps, that's really what it's like. At least in my family, that's pretty much the way all the women describe labor - relatively quick, like bad menstrual cramps, relax and go with it and you'll be fine. My mom had 7, my aunt had 5, my sisters have had 3, 2, and 1; my cousin has had 1 and I've had two. The description has been true for all of us.

So if the women of your family have said it works - then IME, it's likely that it will work fine for you. Definitely do your research; read about birth, watch the birth videos, make sure you understand how the interventions can cascade and ways to manage pain that don't involve medications .... you can do this!!

The problem is that so many women in our culture today are told that actually, they can't do it. And given that, it's hard for them to understand why you'd want to try. You're bucking that trend.

In terms of preparing, other than the ones mentioned above - I'd say, also, practice consciously relaxing your body (toes, legs, arms, etc.). When I'm in labor, at any time that I feel like the pain is worsening, I've found that it's often because I'm focusing on the pain itself and tensing up. Consciously relaxing makes things so much more manageable! And as others have said - usually the point where you think, "Wow, I see why women want drugs," is usually transition and then you're almost done!


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Thank you everyone! I definitely feel back to my normal self and have more confidence. If anyone else has any words of wisdom, please feel free to share!


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hattifattener* 
You know what's sort of fun, mama? I don't know if you're planning on having a second child or not, but I've really been enjoying the following kind of scenario: someone who doesn't really know me asks what kind of birth I plan on having, and I tell them, and they scoff... then I smile sweetly and say "I'm not worried about it. Natural birth went fine with DD1."

I guess this appeals to me because they start out thinking I'm cocky for daring to think that I could handle a natural birth, but then they might realize that they're a little cocky for making assumptions.

















This actually did happen to a friend of mine - someone heard she was planning a natural birth and they said, "Oh my gosh, do you really think you can handle that? I've heard that labor pains are like a hammer hitting your cervix, how are you going to cope with no drugs?" She just kind of raised her eyebrow and said, "Well, I coped just fine with my 44-hour drug-free labor with my first child." The person just clapped their jaw shut immediately and turned away. HA!


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## justice'smom (Jun 5, 2007)

I got those very comments from two of my co-workers while I was pregnant with ds 1. My water broke and on the second day of my water being broken I decided something wasn't right and I needed to go to the hospital. My ob who my midwife had chosen had had her own homebirths so she was all for it. When I got there she put me on pit right away and suggested I do epidural. I did do it because in the moment I didn't know what else to do. After having my son I felt like such a failure. I mourned the fact that I didn't have my natural homebirth and I know I wouldn't have felt that way as much had it not been for those ladies. I have gone on to have a natural hombirth with my second son and am trying for a natural homebirth with our third. After getting my natural homebirth I realilzed that I am no wimp. I felt very empowered. Hear me when I say this I am one of those people that if I stub my toe I scream about how it's broken. If I can do it anyone can. All births are different. Some women say it wasn't that bad and some say it was. For me it was very painful, but it's one of those things that you just know is a good pain and not a bad one. Okay back to my birth story. I now realize after having my natural homebirth that in the case of my first son having epidural was necessary. I had gone for two days with no sleep and without that epidural I would have never gotten the sleep I needed to push him out. Actually even then I was really weak and they almost gave me a c-section, but I pushed him out just in time with the help of a vaccum. He was finally born after 3 days of being in labor. All that to say, I have no dought you can do it. ANY woman can, but most women are too afraid to try. However if something happens and you do have to be transported and do have to have epidural it does not mean you are weak. You are going to do a great job. When you go into a birth with the decision to have a natural birth more than likely that is what your going to have. About the time you start saying you can't do it and you want epidural, it's time to push anyway. I am so excited for you! I think your an amazing woman just for making the choice to have a natural birth. Do you know how rare that is?


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## seaheroine (Dec 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lifeguard* 
I cannot count how many conversations I've had EXACTLY like this. Did you also get the eye-rolling & the whole "you don't know what you're talking about" sigh?









:

I even got LAUGHTER from my OB's assistant during my dual care. She said, and I quote, "Oh you are, huh?" when I told her I'd be doing it natural. Nearly EVERYONE I told gave me the scary talk. Some women who did it natural (in the hospital) told me to "take the epidural". That WAS scary. I remember feeling like you did, too.

Don't listen but do prepare. The first hour of labor caught me off guard with its intensity - be ready for it to be unexpected. Next time I think I'll do much better with a plan to relax...I thought I'd be able to lay down and relax for hours before "real" labor started but my water broke and contractions started with a WHAM. It took me about an hour to really wrap my head around it and relax into breathing through them. Try to practice your visualization and coping techniques...have several ideas written down, like putting on a specific cd, having a snack, drawing a hot bath. I panicked a bit at first and think a list would have helped my initial tension.

You'll do fine, I promise. It is such an incredible experience and one I can't wait to do again!


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## Haselnuss (Sep 20, 2008)

Pity them, they can't know the exhilaration and pride that comes from giving birth naturally. Deep down, they (or at least the one who said she wanted a natural birth) are probably disappointed in themselves and this is their way of dealing with it - bah.

I actually got a comment like that during my last pregnancy (from a stranger), and got to reply "really? I did ok without drugs the other two times, but I suppose you never know.."








(that one ended up being an unplanned UC, because the midwife didn't make it in time - easiest birth ever).


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Haselnuss* 
Pity them, they can't know the exhilaration and pride that comes from giving birth naturally. Deep down, they (or at least the one who said she wanted a natural birth) are probably disappointed in themselves and this is their way of dealing with it - bah.

I gave birth vaginally to my first daughter with an epidural in place - believe me, I do not want your pity. I am not disappointed in myself nor am I any less proud. Statements like this are just as hurtful as what was said to the OP - why can't we accept that we all have a different ideal when it comes to a birthing experience and leave it at that.

A woman does not have to have a compltely natural birth to be proud of herself and her birthing experience. These kinds of arguements do nothing to end the Mommy wars.


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## justice'smom (Jun 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I gave birth vaginally to my first daughter with an epidural in place - believe me, I do not want your pity. I am not disappointed in myself nor am I any less proud. Statements like this are just as hurtful as what was said to the OP - why can't we accept that we all have a different ideal when it comes to a birthing experience and leave it at that.

A woman does not have to have a compltely natural birth to be proud of herself and her birthing experience. These kinds of arguements do nothing to end the Mommy wars.

I can see how that comment would offend you. I don't think, and I could be wrong, but I don't think she meant that comment to all women that have had epidurals. I think she meant the comment to be for those ladies that said those comments. I tend to agree that any women that says to another women there's no way you can do it, is probably upset that she didn't. All births are beautiful because at the end you have a beautiful baby. I too had an epidural with my first, unplanned, but it didn't and doesn't make me any less of a person for it. I did have a natural birth and something is definantly missed when you have an epidural. I say that also to clarify what the poster had said. I personally think all of our birth experiences should be celebrated.


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## dancindoula (Jun 20, 2005)

I'm pretty sure pp's who have said to pity people like that are NOT referring to every single woman who has had drugs in labor, but to women who feel the need to put others down for anticipating a drugfree labor. TCMoulton, I can't imagine you would ever make those kind of catty, fear-mongering remarks. I truly believe that people who DO make these mean-spirited remarks are coming from a personal sense of failure and disappointment with themselves, thus trying to build themselves up by tearing another down. You are satisfied with your birth, you're confident you made the best decision you could for your situation at that moment, and you have every reason to be, so you don't feel the need to lash out at others in that way. Some women do, though. And it sucks when they give in to that temptation.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
I know, it just hurt my feelings. I feel like no one believes that I can do it. I'm starting to doubt myself...

Gosh, so many of us have been in this conversation I am sure.

Got that from my SIL, my family, other people....

I can only say that there are people out there who for their own personal reasons want to kill your thunder. That's what I learned.

My SIL gave me attitude about 'exclusive breastfeeding' (because you know, though that is what is best people *never do that* etc.). Also, drug free births...because the pain is so bad and nearly everyone is *induced* these days anyhow.

Her opinions were shaped by her experiences. My own brother once said to me breastfeeding doesn't matter other than the colostrom the first few days...which he has medical training (psychiatrist) though in reality he says that because that's what his first two kids got. People can justify things however they want in their mind.

You are strong enough, your body knows how to give birth, you can absolutely have a natural, drug free birth if that is what you choose to do. I've done it three times, plan on a fourth. Take that negative energy from other people and throw it out the window. They're just spewing garbage to bring you down for their own personal reasons.

Being that I have attended LLL meetings and tend to hang with natural people natural, drug free childbirth is the norm around me. Maybe you need to hang around some more of those women.


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## beka1977 (Aug 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Turquesa* 
Second that. I'd also add Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. Ina May Gaskin noted that labors were shorter once women had voiced and dealt with their fears. It's even better to get this out of the way _before_ labor.

Read some Ina May! Read happy, natural birth stories. Do you have a doula?

I had a similar experience at my *baby shower* before my first child. I had been very quiet about my natural birth plans, so it wasn't like it was a reaction to me being cocky or anything. These women, some of who had NEVER given birth, started in on how I would NEED drugs, and how awful labor was, etc.

All except for one woman, who said "Not me! I could have given birth in a field!"

So that is what I held on to - that image of a woman so strong and confident that she could have given birth in a field.

I have had two drug free births. They were not easy, and they were not pain free - but they were worth it.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *justice'smom* 
I don't think she meant that comment to all women that have had epidurals. I think she meant the comment to be for those ladies that said those comments.









:

That's how I took it too. It sounds like the women who made these comments were not only being mean, but were aiming to purposefully bring her down. We all here know that there is a time and a place where an epidural can be a wise intervention. But to tear into a woman's plans/beliefs/positive energy about birthing...to me it sounds like these women who made the comments have issues with their own births and their own experiences.


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SABE* 
I got plenty of comments like that when I was pregnant with my first child, and that just motivated me even more to prove them wrong and have my unmedicated birth. Now that I've had three of them, some of the same people act like I have some sort of superhero status, which makes me equally uncomfortable. I guess I'm hard to please!

It's because either way, they're denying you status as a normal, capable human woman. Either "no one can do that" or "no one NORMAL can do that". It's still denying that while natural birth _in this culture_ *is* something of an accomplishment, what it really is is something 90%+ of all women could do fairly easily in the right circumstances.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommal* 
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Oh, you'll want the epidural" or "You'll LOVE your anesthesiologist" etc., I'd have quite a few dollars. Don't listen. People who say these things are just trying to make themselves feel better about their births by bringing you down. They didn't succeed at having natural births, and they don't want to believe that anyone else can, either, because if some women can have totally natural births, that must mean that the ones who caved in to the epidural or the c-section are weak, or that their bodies are defective. That must be a sad feeling to live with.

this so totally proves judgement on both sides and I find this attitude even more sad than the ones that epdiurals are wonderful! I just say each to "HER" own. it's all our own personal choices. I used to get all worked up over it all but you know what? it's so not worth it to even respond with negativity.. especially when it's someone with an obvious agenda.







I think many women could use a course in tactfulness.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beka1977* 
All except for one woman, who said "Not me! I could have given birth in a field!"

So that is what I held on to - that image of a woman so strong and confident that she could have given birth in a field.

I have had two drug free births. They were not easy, and they were not pain free - but they were worth it.


I *love* that imagery. I met a woman once, who gave birth in a hospital with her first, and really wanted to go natural. She shared with me afterwards how everyone and anyone was hounding her to take drugs at the hospital. She was a little vocal. Somewhere during transition, she told them all where to go LOL. She told me during the roughest time she kept on imagining that mother who gave birth while there was a huge flood in a tree (remember that was all over the news) and kept the picture in her mind. Through the roughest times she imagined the woman birthing.

Well, she had her natural birth, and went on and had two more at home with midwives.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

ps- giving birth is not a contest


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn* 
It's because either way, they're denying you status as a normal, capable human woman. Either "no one can do that" or "no one NORMAL can do that". It's still denying that while natural birth _in this culture_ *is* something of an accomplishment, what it really is is something 90%+ of all women could do fairly easily in the right circumstances.

It is an accomplishment, I think. Because the system is not set up that way. I have a late friend who had breast cancer during her second pregnancy, and she had chemo done that third trimester. In her case, for medical reasons she needed to be induced. She had a doula there with her, and she made it through her birth without pain medications (her previous birth was natural at a free standing birth center). She shared with me later that the nurse that was on call said to her that she was only the fourth mom she had seen in 20 years go without pain medication. Too me that is kind of scarry.

I know the local hospitals have like 98% epidural rates. They also have 40%+ cesarean rates as well. Not a very good hospital maternity state. We have some hospitals over 50% cesareans.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainbowmoon* 
ps- giving birth is not a contest










Yeah, I think about it the same way. It's sounds like the women who made the comments have issues with this as well.









I realized once, when I was on a mainstream breastfeeding group, that a LOT of the women really took offense to the fact that I had natural births. And, it wasn't that I even talked about it a lot. We would report our OB/MW visits, etc. I never said anything negative to anyone about their birthing choices, we always offered positive support and well wishing to other women there. Of course, I found *after* the list decided to disband when a few stinkers on there wrote horrible things criticzing other members of the the group as their last post. Of course, myself and another member who had natural births, who didn't circ, were criticized in some of those emails...it was then that I realized that sometimes even by the fact of existance people get offended sometimes. I mean, none of us women who were criticized ever said anything negative or demeaning about anyone elses birth choices, but still they were offended by the choices we made. Which in my book is weird...I mean, you can only control what you do...why care what other people do or what other people think?

I suppose though that sociological trait could be extrapolated to other areas like politics, religion, etc. too.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rainbowmoon* 
ps- giving birth is not a contest









Exactly. While I would NEVER purposely try and scare a pregnant mom with stories about how horrible I suffered in my labor until my epidural was placed I would also hope that a mom who chose to give birth naturally would not demean my choice and say that I am most certainly seething with jealousy on the inside that others gave birth naturally while I needed the assistance of pain medication. No two women feel or react pain the same, not all births are equal, and giving birth naturally was not in the cards for everyone. I feel no shame in my decision, I know that it was the right choice for me. There are many times that mom's who choose epidurals are described here as uneducated idiots and in many cases that is simply not the case. I have friends that have had completely natural births and I celebrated their accomplishments just as they celebrated the medicated births of my daughters.

My birth my choices - I will respect the decisions you make if you will give me the same respect for my choices.


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## ~Stephanie~ (Oct 15, 2007)

I'm on my fifth pregnancy and I still get unwanted and unsolicited advice regarding birth. I just tell them I think I've got it figured out by now.







I've gone without epidural or pain meds with all four of my births including two that were induced with pitocin due to Pre-e.

I think it's just like anything else in parenting/birthing. If you feel extremely strong about how you want to do it and you educate yourself, you will do just fine. I think it was wrong of them to be so rude about your choices just like it would be rude for you to belittle them about choosing a medicated birth.


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## Pirogi (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn* 
It's because either way, they're denying you status as a normal, capable human woman. Either "no one can do that" or "no one NORMAL can do that". It's still denying that while natural birth _in this culture_ *is* something of an accomplishment, what it really is is something 90%+ of all women could do fairly easily in the right circumstances.

Arwyn, thank you so much for this insight. I too am uncomfortable when someone who learns about my birth experience begins to flip out and talk about how I must be so very (fill in the blank) - brave, crazy, strong, etc. I feel like a very normal person most of the time, but responses like that make me feel embarrassed and somehow LESS than normal. Your response made me like this -







!

I feel that wherever and however a mother feels safest giving birth, is the best place and circumstance *for her*. Some women feel safest in the hospital with an epidural. Others feel safest scheduling a C/S. Others want to give birth without _anyone_ in attendance. I support everyone's right to make this decision for themselves, and OP, I am sorry that those women did not afford you the same courtesy. Oh, and definitely, *you can do it!!*


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## leila1213 (Sep 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
Thanks, I like to think that I'm prepared. But I can't think of how to be. I read natural birth stories and watch hundreds of birth videos. I don't know how to practice birth! Any advice?

I haven't read all the replies, but have you taken a class in natural childbirth? I personally loved Hypnobirthing. You will do great!


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## meganmarie (Jan 29, 2005)

Quote:

Thanks, I like to think that I'm prepared. But I can't think of how to be. I read natural birth stories and watch hundreds of birth videos. I don't know how to practice birth! Any advice?
You really can practice actually! Practice relaxing by lying down in bed at night with your DH and having him guide you through breathing, visualizing, and loosening every muscle of your body. I practiced using the exercises in "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way" by Susan McCutcheon.

Also there are examples of different positions - side-lying, squatting, draping yourself over a birth ball, leaning on your husband, etc. - which you can also "practice" using to see what is most comfortable. A good book with great photos of different labor positions is Sheila Kitzingers' Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth. During labor you don't want to be thinking about what to do to make yourself feel better, if you've already gotten familiar with a bunch of them physically then you can automatically try them out during contractions to see what works best for you.

I know it seems silly but DH and I set a couple minutes aside at night before bed to do it, even just 1 or 2 times a week, it was kind of nice. Helped DH get better prepared too - he had practiced what to say to me during labor and was therefore able to help me relax.


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dancindoula* 
I'm pretty sure pp's who have said to pity people like that are NOT referring to every single woman who has had drugs in labor, but to women who feel the need to put others down for anticipating a drugfree labor. TCMoulton, I can't imagine you would ever make those kind of catty, fear-mongering remarks. I truly believe that people who DO make these mean-spirited remarks are coming from a personal sense of failure and disappointment with themselves, thus trying to build themselves up by tearing another down. You are satisfied with your birth, you're confident you made the best decision you could for your situation at that moment, and you have every reason to be, so you don't feel the need to lash out at others in that way. Some women do, though. And it sucks when they give in to that temptation.









: I couldn't have said it better if I'd tried. Thank you!


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I practiced with ice (i think it was kitzinger who suggested it). I got a bucket of water with a lot of ice in it, and i stuck my hand in it, and i timed out a minute while i sat in silence thinking about the pain (it hurt!). Then i took it out, and let it warm up, while i stuck the OTHER hand in the ice. This time DP timed and we talked about other things. Eventually i said "Is a minute up yet" and he replied "Just over FOUR minutes are up"







I felt SO EMPOWERED by that little experiment! The hugeness of the difference in the pain i experienced was so vast - like night and day! Then we did pinching - another kitzinger i think. DP picked up and pinched firmly some of the flesh of each of my inner thighs. Enough that i din't bruise from the pinching. He then set the timer and pinched with his grip getting harder and harder to a "peak" and then dying away again to simulate a contraction. I talked, i breathed, i tried out all the little things i'd read. We did several experiments using different tighnesses of grip and patterns of tightening (he even did me a double-peaked one without warning!) and we noted things like how with progressive intensity i could totally handle it, whereas with suddenly much harder pinching it was very hard to integrate, though still possible. And i KNEW then, i could do it, i could get through labour, because i really experienced how the relaxation techniques can work. And i DID get a very intense labour and in the end i used entonox because when i was desperate to push the midwives thought i wasn't dilated enough yet (they had just checked and i was only 2-3) so i breathed gas and air and roared through the peaks for an hour and then DD spontaneously crowned. I remember looking at her lying on my belly and thinking "can i push now?", so those experiments on how to handle suddenly much more intense ones really did help.

Next time i will go completely drug free, because i'll ignore the midwife if necessary and PUSH during the 2rd stage! LOL.

You can TOTALLY do this drug free. Believe it, and it can be true


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## Haselnuss (Sep 20, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I gave birth vaginally to my first daughter with an epidural in place - believe me, I do not want your pity. I am not disappointed in myself nor am I any less proud. Statements like this are just as hurtful as what was said to the OP - why can't we accept that we all have a different ideal when it comes to a birthing experience and leave it at that.

Are you one of the women who were mean to the OP? Because that's who I was talking about.








I call them like I see them - if a woman states that she "was cocky too" (ie, wanted a natural birth) and tries to intimidate another mom who wants one and convince her it's impossible, well, that looks like jealousy and bitterness to me.


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Thank you everyone who has responded!
I have been thinking about what I can say to my friend who wanted the natural birth but got an epidural instead. If she brings it up again I can just tell her that God made us to give birth. The Bible says in 3 different verses: "I am wonderfully and fearfully made""God will not give us more than we can bear""I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Since we all go to church together, how can they deny that logic?
I agree that birth is not a contest.
I just want what's best for my baby. You know? Epidurals affect babies. It's been proven.
http://www.transitiontoparenthood.co...epiduralfx.htm
Not to mention that I want to breastfeed exclusively and it's been proven that epidural babies have more trouble breastfeeding than natural born babies.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I made the right choice (for me and Corbin) and I don't care if "they" try to talk me out of it.
It still hurts me that my friend would treat me like that, but maybe she didn't realize how hurtful she was.
I don't know what I would do without you ladies. Thank you.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

I'm hoping to avoid the subject of birth with most people, because of this. Like religion and politics, it's really a personal choice and not others' business what I do.

I find that most of the women who make nasty comments about (the kind the OP brings up) never took the time to really learn about natural birth. Then they take their disappointing/traumatic birth experiences out on new mothers.


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## elanorh (Feb 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn* 
It's because either way, they're denying you status as a normal, capable human woman. Either "no one can do that" or "no one NORMAL can do that". It's still denying that while natural birth _in this culture_ *is* something of an accomplishment, what it really is is something 90%+ of all women could do fairly easily in the right circumstances.

Yes! I agree so much with this.

When I was pregnant with dd2, I was a bridesmaid in a large wedding party. One other bridesmaid had had a child, the rest were college-age and single. We were talking about childbirth (probably because, there I was, big and pregnant







) .... I said that I think more women can do it naturally than realize it, and to research it and give it a try at least, you may find it's totally manageable. And that, for me, it was like bad menstrual cramps - certainly hurt at the end, but manageable.

The other bridesmaid (a friend), said, "Oh, but elanorh is a superwoman! It hurts a LOT, just get an epidural!" And went on to tell how much it hurt, that her epidural only worked on one side so she got the pain on that side and it was terrible.

So I got to protest that, well, I don't think I'm extraordinary, and actually have a pretty low pain threshold. But at that point it didn't really matter what I said, I'd already been put up as the Earth Mother Super Woman Who Does What Other Women Can't.


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## thisiswhatwedo (Mar 10, 2008)

It makes me sad that an out of (moms) control medicated birth is the norm..and that bottle feeding babies is the norm too. I got the royal treatment about both but will say between the 8 years that I had my first and my last things have changed for the better.
poor women mocking you they probably feel sad that they didn't get to experience their births on their terms. Maybe they liked being zoned out, who knows


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
Thanks, I like to think that I'm prepared. But I can't think of how to be. I read natural birth stories and watch hundreds of birth videos. I don't know how to practice birth! Any advice?

Hold an ice cube in your hand for a minute. Keep breathing. If you can do that, you can do labour







It's just one contraction at a time. I love GoBecGo's ideas, too.
I'd try being honest with them, and telling them that you're feeling sad and angry and belittled and hurt, and right now, a few months before meeting your baby this is the last thing you need.







: It might work, but lets face it, in a few months you're going to be the freaky natural-birthing nutcase anyhow.


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## justice'smom (Jun 5, 2007)

I think every woman has a decision to make when it comes to birth and it's her decision. It just makes me sad that society makes women so afraid of birth that they are afraid of the pain. I'm not upset at those women because I have been scared too. I have watched a baby story and seen those women screaming, but I don't think it has to be that way. We should be there for each other to encourage each other no matter what your birth choice is. Having a baby should be a celebration, not a time to feel bad about yourself. So, if you choose epidural be confident in your decision, if you decide to go natural be confident in your decision. If your not confident that your doing the right thing, then rethink your plan and figure out what is right for you. Go with your instincts mamas. We have them for a reason. I felt bad about my decisoin to have epidural with my first because of the ladies that said I could not have a natural birth. In my case I couldn't go natural or I would have had a c=section due to being in labor for 3 days before pushing and not sleeping during that time until epidural. Without that epidural I would have been too tired to push him out. Even my midwife was confident in that decisoin. I now know I made the right decision. Point being listen to your gut and do what is right for you. Not because your scared of what others have said, but because it's what is right for you.


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## Full Heart (Apr 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elanorh* 
Yes! I agree so much with this.

When I was pregnant with dd2, I was a bridesmaid in a large wedding party. One other bridesmaid had had a child, the rest were college-age and single. We were talking about childbirth (probably because, there I was, big and pregnant







) .... I said that I think more women can do it naturally than realize it, and to research it and give it a try at least, you may find it's totally manageable. And that, for me, it was like bad menstrual cramps - certainly hurt at the end, but manageable.

The other bridesmaid (a friend), said, "Oh, but elanorh is a superwoman! It hurts a LOT, just get an epidural!" And went on to tell how much it hurt, that her epidural only worked on one side so she got the pain on that side and it was terrible.

So I got to protest that, well, I don't think I'm extraordinary, and actually have a pretty low pain threshold. But at that point it didn't really matter what I said, I'd already been put up as the Earth Mother Super Woman Who Does What Other Women Can't.









Or they assume you had easy births. I have heard I don't know how many times, "Oh you are just lucky you have easy births." They will say that when we aren't even talking about birth because I also have 7 kids and so they think why would anyone do that unless it was easy as pie for them. I don't understand the desire to take away from a woman's experience, to belittle them. It would hurt my heart so much to do that to another person.

To the OP: You know what I did? I took all the mantras that other women gave me and repeated them over and over and over again. So when birth came those mantras where right there in my mind ready to lift me up and get me through. When labor came I thought of all the things I couldn't do in a min. I can't hold my breath for a min but I can get through a min long contraction. Getting through a contraction is easier than holding my breath! I can do this! I also took baths with lavender and candles 2-3 times a week. So when the birth came there was a Pavlovian response to relax when I lit candles and smelled lavender. Now I still relax whenever I smell lavender.


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## luckymamato2 (Jun 3, 2006)

I got the same comments, but I proved them wrong. I scaled the wall I couldn't see the top of. My dh, doula, m/w, and nurse all believed in me and that's all I needed.







It also helped that my mom got through labor quickly and with no epidural - she did have one shot of nubain/other general loopy med, but NO epidural.


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## saintmom (Aug 19, 2003)

Hugs.Labor might make you holler.It's not gonna kill you.The drugs and interventions can.(I'm talking about a normal healthy labor here)
My first was easy,2 and 3 were gentle with a 3hour intensive at the end.4,5,6,I barely had time to breath...and they were 3,2,and 1 hour labors.My last was hard,36 hrs.I didn't do anything for 9 months,it seemed like I was gonna have another m/c every time I did.Had to wear a backbrace for three months,even in my sleep....But I did it and so can you.
There's a lot of idiots out there who have never thought outside the box,who think What to Expect When Your Expecting tells the whole story,and please don't even let me get started on the ones I've run into who think the doctor is god....
Birth can be tough,it can be gentle and easy.For most of us it's usually a combination of the two.
Sending happy birth vibes your way







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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elanorh* 

So I got to protest that, well, I don't think I'm extraordinary, and actually have a pretty low pain threshold. But at that point it didn't really matter what I said, I'd already been put up as the Earth Mother Super Woman Who Does What Other Women Can't.









Heh, me too. I haven't really discussed my birth yet with anyone other than gung-ho natural birth fanatics, but I'm sure when I do I'll get those same comments. I, too,have a very low pain threshold. Heck I fainted when I got my lip pierced! But birth pains are a different kind of pain, and you have two choices: hide from and fight them, and make it worse, or just roll with it and wait for it to be over. I chose to roll with it. Hiding from the pain was not an option for me. Yes it was the most colossal, intense pain I've ever felt, but the point is that I STILL DID IT. And if a big wuss like me can handle it, anyone can!


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## ChristSavesAll (Mar 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
Thanks, I like to think that I'm prepared. But I can't think of how to be. I read natural birth stories and watch hundreds of birth videos. I don't know how to practice birth! Any advice?

Well I don't take any meds during pregnancy, even when I've got a full blown migraine, I just learn to deal with it.. not that it doesnt hurt but its my way of prepping. Reading what another pp said makes me sorta laugh, I took no classes or anything, just went into dd labor knowing this is what I was going to do and preparing myself for the worst possible pain. I had contractions for 36 hours, 5 of that was active and they gradually stepped up in pain. The 5 were definitely uncomfortable and painful but I was on here typing and reading in between contractions... the worst pain was when I was pushing, I felt her squeezing through my cervix and all the stretching through the birth canal. Thankfully that only lasted about 20 min. (the time that I actually was pushing).

I got similar responses from women at my church and more-so since they were aware of my intention to UC. They may not trust their bodies or have faith that God designed our bodies perfectly to birth, but I do.


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## ChristSavesAll (Mar 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nia82* 
I heard it tons of times... Even after I gave birth, without epidural, other mothers rolled their eyes at me and called me crazy. Oh boy who cares, important is that you do what you want and get what you want. Of course at some point in labor many people say oh gosh I want pain relief, I certainly said so, but that's why I had DH with me (any support person will do) to encourage me and go through with it. I knew that I might cave since I hate pain, but like I said, that's why my strong DH was my back up plan and it worked... He talked me through the pain and out of the pain meds...









What's funny is the thought of pain meds actually never occurred to me, labor wasnt so bad until closer to the end and I knew it would be over soon. Pushing was shockingly painful yet I wasn't thinking of getting any pain meds, I just screamed and told myself I would never do it again









But of course I will, and since it wasn't videotaped like it was supposed to be, I find myself eager to do it again!








Did I mention I want 8 kids? And I consider UC the only way to birth!


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## ChristSavesAll (Mar 27, 2008)

justice'smom said:


> I can see how that comment would offend you. I don't think, and I could be wrong, but I don't think she meant that comment to all women that have had epidurals. I think she meant the comment to be for those ladies that said those comments. I tend to agree that any women that says to another women there's no way you can do it, is probably upset that she didn't. All births are beautiful because at the end you have a beautiful baby. I too had an epidural with my first, unplanned, but it didn't and doesn't make me any less of a person for it. I did have a natural birth and something is definantly missed when you have an epidural. I say that also to clarify what the poster had said. I personally think all of our birth experiences should be celebrated.[/QUOTE
> 
> Ok I've posted twice but just wanted to add one more thing. I had an epi with ds, signed up for that the day I decided I wanted to be a mommy more than anything else (soooo like as a young girl) and thought that why go through pain if you dont have to? I said similar things to other women I talked to about they will want the epi and even telling a friend just get the epi "trust me". It wasnt about projecting any sorrow I had about my own birth, I honestly thought that was the only way to do it. It's kinda like when you are preggo and TONS of women are giving you "advice", they don't mean to annoy you (ok maybe some do) but they are usually sincere and genuinely think they are gonna help you.
> 
> ...


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## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

Oh momma! I feel you. Listen, I am THE BIGGEST WIMP in the world. I mean, I bawl like a baby over a paper cut, and I had a natural childbirth. I don't feel like I needed an epidural.

You'll be fine! Trust in yourself!


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## thefragile7393 (Jun 21, 2005)

Quote:

Don't get anxious, get MAD! For me, every skeptical comment I got made me more determined than ever to have a natural childbirth. I wanted to do it because it was the best thing for me and my baby, but almost as much I wanted to prove those skeptics wrong! It was as though I had made a public commitment to go through with this thing, and there was no way I was going to go back in the office with my tail between my legs and admit they were right.
This was a good part of my thinking. I had one woman irritated with me when I said I birthed ds without drugs. She got mad and said that the pain was so bad with her child that she never wanted anymore. She last gave birth in the early 70's, strapped down and with all the indignities that were proposed on many women back then...so I can see why she'd want drugs and never want to have more kids either. I'm sorry that happened to her. I don't need that negativity though.


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## septbabymama (Mar 11, 2008)

I heard the same things during my pregnancy. A lot of it has to do with their inability to go through birth without epidural themselves so just ignore them. They would say to me, "Good luck with that...that was my intention, too!" Just because they couldn't do it doesn't mean you can't. I was reading a thread today about moms who had epidural feeling residual numbness for 6 weeks after birth or as long as 2 years so that's something you can avoid among other things. You will give birth naturally so don't worry!


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## katiesk (Nov 6, 2007)

For me, those comments were part of what it took to make me not even want medication during labor. I could see why people would get medication, but that stubbornness gave me extra incentive to just do it my own way. Along with all of the better reasons to give birth naturally!


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## morganlefay (Nov 13, 2007)

You can do it! I'm a total wimp when it comes to pain . . . and my daughter's birth was 100% natural--in a hospital! The whole time I was pregnant, people were saying all kinds of hurtful things to me (although they didn't mean to be that way). Even my best friend said I was nuts for not wanting the epidural, and my mom was like, "there's no shame in it if you need it." It seemed like everyone was conspiring against my self-confidence. But labor is so different from anything I've ever experienced--and yes, it did hurt, but it was more like hard work (hence they call it labor) than any other pain I've experienced. I would describe it most of all as powerful. And I'm so glad I went natural--I'd do it all over again


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## MegBoz (Jul 8, 2008)

I haven't read the other replies yet, but wanted to weigh in anyway.
My journey to natural CB started with the fact that I knew the CS rate in the US was high - higher than other industrialized nations - and therefore probably many were unnecessary. I wanted to avoid an unnecessary CS. I don't trust doctors anyway (hehe.. I really don't trust _anyone_) So I figured I had to get educated and advocate for myself rather than blindly trust a doc's words.

So I bought the book "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth." Then, there was no doubt in my mind I was skipping epidural! DH & I signed up for Bradley training. At that point in time, I figured I could "suck it up & deal with the pain." It was worth enduring the pain to avoid the risks and, primiarly, the cascade of other medical interventions that the epidural can often lead to.

But I then decided to read "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth." and something amazing happened.. I learned that natural CB isn't just about "sucking it up & enduring the pain." Natural CB could be wonderful & amazing - in and of itself!







I HIGHLY recommend this book.

I personally decided to stop telling people I was planning a natural birth, unless I was pretty sure they would be supportive. (So... I very rarely said anything since few Americans are supportive.) DH told me that people would say to him, "Yea right! Whatever, she'll be begging for that epidural." But I told him to stop telling me when people said this to him. It made me mad! I wanted to snap back, "Just because _you_ weren't strong enough to handle it, doesn't mean I won't be either." Of course, that is rude and mean and I won't say it, but I thought it.

And, honestly, *it's true!* Just because the ladies you talk to didn't THINK they could go naturally does NOT mean that you won't be able to either.

I also highly recommend avoiding these conversations altogether. They have the "Trump card" so to speak in that they have been there - you have not. No matter what you say, they can always come back with, "Yeah, that is all well and good until you feel those contractions! You don't know what you are talking about! You haven't felt it. You WILL ask for that epidural!" And, there is just nothing you can say in response to that. The conversation goes no where. It is not a conversation worth having. So it's therefore best to avoid altogether.

I'm certified as a fitness instructor & personal trainer. I remember reading that studies show athletes perform better when they VISUALIZE succeeding in their mind - like basketball players picturing throwing free throws. I think birth must be the same way. I spent time throughout the last months of pregnancy imagining myself in labor & feeling the pains, but breathing through them, coping with them, being relaxed. That's a big part of Bradley training too - practicing your relaxation techniques with your DH/DP/Coach. I also practiced my mantras with things like:
- I'll never feel THAT contraction again
- I'm that much closer
- I am no hat!
(heheh.. that's analogy from "The Thinking WOman's Guide to a better birth." a lady who had & epidural & felt nothig siad it was like watching a rabbit being pulled from a hat. Being the hat is a far cry from being the magician! I told myself I would not be an inert, inactive object from which a baby would be removed. I would give birth.)

To that end, if you want to build a strong vision in your mind of a great natural birth, I think it's important to not only avoid the nay-sayers, but surround yourself with those who HAVE done it naturally & think it is a great thing. (I had a FABULOUS birth experience!







) So it's good that you are here now!


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## Mal85 (Sep 3, 2008)

I have a very hard time with this in my family. I actually have a hard time explaining anything about my parenting decisions to people in my family which can be especially frustrating. My degree is in Child and Family Development, you'd think they could accept that I might actually know what I'm talking about when it comes to parenting. The natural birth thing though is difficult because I'm so excited about it. This is my first pregnancy and I just feel in my heart like this is what I was meant to do. Pregnancy has agreed with me so well and I feel very complete right now. I've been doing a lot of reading about natural birth and the more information I gather the more excited I am about actually putting into action. And all my family can say is "you're gonna want that epidural". No I don't! I can't seem to get that across to them. I feel like the birth of my child is something I want to be completely involved in, not something I want to escape from and is one thing in my life that I actually can do completely on my own. I was made to do this! It's very frustrating to be told I'm not strong enough before I even get there...


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## animallover (Nov 20, 2007)

I had comments like that too and responded with, "well, S (my youngest son who was with me at the time) was born at home naturally without pain medication, weren't you S?!" That shut her up very quickly and she kinda ran away. My DD who was born UC at the end of May was all natural too! Don't let it shake your confidence, use that negativity to follow through with your plans. Yeah, it hurts, learn how to work with your body and to surrender to the experience and you will get through it better than just fine. Our bodies were made for this!


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## lil_miss_understood (Jul 19, 2006)

I haven't read all of the replies, but I want to jump in. I think this is all so much more difficult for first time moms.
With ds1, I had so many people telling me this crap. Don't listen to them. They don't know anything. If you *do* listen to them, they'll ruin it for you, imho. I was talked into getting... "augmented" which lead to further medical "interventions".







: Jerks.
With ds2, it was basically just dh and I when it came time for the birth. I was adamant that I was going to have a natural birth. DH was totally supportive. Just as I knew, my body knew what to do. DS2 was born with no medical interventions, beyond a mw to catch him (in a hospital because I was told antibiotics were my only option to deal with GBS- need to do more research on that this time).
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you're going to do fine. The reason so many women end up with such horrible experiences (imo) where their anasthesiologist (spelling's messed sorry) is their "best friend" in labor is because they are so scared. Don't let them scare you, mama! Your body knows what to do and so do you!
My second birth, btw, I learned a couple of things I want to pass on. It might seem ridiculous, but relax your face. And remember, slow, flow, down. Let it all slowly flow down your body. Don't tell yourself to relax. Find a mantra that's good for you.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

If it makes you feel better, I had an epidural with my first and decided that I certainly did NOT want one with any subsequent children. And had a lovely homebirth with my second child. Having "been there" and seen both sides... it was much better overall without the epidural. Which wasn't even horrid or anything, just not the same at all.


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:

People who say these things are just trying to make themselves feel better about their births by bringing you down.
Yup.

So she was "cocky" before. She still ended up making a choice. Well, you can be confident and sure of yourself and then find that it's a lot harder than you thought it would be, and _still_ make a different choice than she did.








to you.


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Thank you everyone for your words of comfort and wisdom.







I was hanging out with my friend who said she was "cocky too" the other day and guess what she said? "Next time I don't think I'll get the epidural, it wasn't worth it." I just smiled and nodded.


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## KariM (Mar 13, 2004)

You can do it!!!

I've had two natural unmedicated births in my own home. The first was when I was 37 and had a midwife attending. The second was when I was 40 and I was unassisted.

In both I felt discomfort/pain, but it was FAR FAR less than the pain I felt during my DS's hospital nightmare birth 17 years ago.

Our bodies were designed to birth and when we listen to our bodies and our babies we can minimize the discomfort and birth peacefully.

The women who feel the need to discuss how painful birth is or how horrible the process is are trying to justify their own feelings and experiences.

I've been getting a lot of this lately among church ladies as well. Since I birthed my DD2 at home unassisted last March so many of them feel the need to discuss how dangerous birth is and how important it was for them to be in the hospital. They also spend a lot of time talking about the pain and what a relief the epidural/vicodin/whatever was.

Life is painful - birth only lasts a day or so.


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## KariM (Mar 13, 2004)

Oh, and I forgot to add that when you do birth your baby naturally you will feel the MOST incredible high and realize just what an amazing woman you are. I felt like I could do absolutely ANYTHING after my first natural birth and after my second (UC) birth I honestly wondered if natural childbirth was being withheld from women in order to keep this truth from them.

Your body is magnificent and strong and you have a power deep within you that you can realize.

I'm so sorry not all women have the chance to experience this wonderful feeling.


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## Mary-Beth (Nov 20, 2001)

Honestly, I think this experience can be a blessing for you...if them saying that yields so much doubt in you then you will need to clarify your intentions and make your resolve so much bigger...
the reality is that labor can be really hard work-- it isn't always but almost always...babies don't just slip out and women always know therein labor because it is intense and takes a huge amount of focus to breath and relax into it. You can totally do it. And you are right that women have done it for years and years. The reality is you will probably be challenged so as much as you can prepare ahead of time (understand what your body is doing and develop focus strategies) and give yourself a great support team to help you (possibly a midwife or doula?)

I have had 3 natural labors. With the first I suddenly knew I would never judge a woman who wanted an epidural ever again...I still made it through without one but I understood that natural labor is not for everyone. With my 2nd I had almost no pain and had a water birth. The 3rd was another waterbirth...Best wishes.


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## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

i had one pushed on me but still refused. it was set up except for being in my back, even. i told them i wasnt in much pain, to leave me alone. ugh.
IN a pitocin induced labor.

YOU CAN DO IT!!









dont listen to people trying to put doubts in your head, its just "easier" or whatever so a lot do it, or "if you cn, why not?" well..i can do lots of things im not going to cause theyre "easier" kwim?


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Wow I haven't seen this thread in months! I had my all natural water birth with my 10lb 6.5oz beautiful baby boy.








I was 5 cm when I had my water broken (my request) and my baby boy was born into my hands 4 hours later. To be honest, I had an extremely painful labor (words that come to mind are: excruciating, agony, unworldly, mind blowing). It was so bad that I didn't even feel his head come out. When he was born, I didn't care. I was just glad that the pain was over. I didn't bond with him right away.
Despite that, I plan to have my other children the same way.
I do feel like I accomplished something and I know that not all of my labors will be the same. I even look forward to doing it again!
Thanks to everyone for helping me!


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## Belle (Feb 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
Wow I haven't seen this thread in months! I had my all natural water birth with my 10lb 6.5oz beautiful baby boy.








I was 5 cm when I had my water broken (my request) and my baby boy was born into my hands 4 hours later. To be honest, I had an extremely painful labor (words that come to mind are: excruciating, agony, unworldly, mind blowing). It was so bad that I didn't even feel his head come out. When he was born, I didn't care. I was just glad that the pain was over. I didn't bond with him right away.
Despite that, I plan to have my other children the same way.
I do feel like I accomplished something and I know that not all of my labors will be the same. I even look forward to doing it again!
Thanks to everyone for helping me!

Congrats! I'm glad your baby's birth went the way you planned.


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Congrats mama!


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## accountclosed3 (Jun 13, 2006)

that update is cool.









i was thinking about this just yesterday. well, not specifically this post, but the issue in general.

before i gave birth, people were similar about this (birth plans), but also about children in general. a lot of them talked about how hard it is, how it's this or that, how i "you just don't understand!" and so on about many of my parenting choices.

and yet, what i've experienced is that most of the things that i wanted to experience and do--guess what? i experience and do! there were some things i thought i wanted (like a longer time not working or a long babymoon) that i didnt' end up wanting or doing, but otherwise, i pretty much do everything i set out to do.

and i'm happy. so happy! aren't you?


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## mamabear0314 (May 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zoebird* 
that update is cool.









i was thinking about this just yesterday. well, not specifically this post, but the issue in general.

before i gave birth, people were similar about this (birth plans), but also about children in general. a lot of them talked about how hard it is, how it's this or that, how i "you just don't understand!" and so on about many of my parenting choices.

and yet, what i've experienced is that most of the things that i wanted to experience and do--guess what? i experience and do! there were some things i thought i wanted (like a longer time not working or a long babymoon) that i didnt' end up wanting or doing, but otherwise, i pretty much do everything i set out to do.

and i'm happy. so happy! aren't you?









I'm definitely happy. The only thing I would've changed is I would've not had the midwife break my water. But other than that and the pain I wouldn't have changed anything! The only other thing I wanted to do that I haven't is cloth diapers. I have them, I just don't like the way they look!
Anyway...I like that...experience and do. I also experience and do.








I've been rambling a lot today, sorry.


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## xelakann (Jul 30, 2007)

Great update. Did you ever get a chance to tell those "mean mamas" your birth story?

I had a similar thing happen. I was laughed at while another mama told me she'd call me in hour six of my labor and ask if I still wanted to go "natural". Yes, they were b*tches.

When I saw them at another function I proudly told them my birth story and they could care less. It was very anticlimatic. But I still had a wonderful (yes, painful) water birth.


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

The women who said those things to you were being completely unsupportive. And I agree with pp's that the things they said probably have more to do with themselves than they do with you. And I also understand that it's still hurtful. I had a few people make those kinds of comments to me when I was pregnant. And it was hurtful. So I just decided that I was going to be as positive as I could be, that I was going to surround myself with people who supported me, that I was going to tell people who said those kinds of things that I needed them to either support me or please not say anything, and that I would do everything I could to prove them wrong. And even though I did all of those things, after 31 hours of labor, I needed to have a cesarean for my baby to be born. I will not go into details because that's not really my point. My point is that birth is unpredictable and you can't really control how it's going to take place. You can definitely influence it, but you can't control it. Here are some quoted posts:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *janefriar* 
I recommend reading Birthing From Within.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *micah_mae_* 
Thank you everyone! I definitely feel back to my normal self and have more confidence. If anyone else has any words of wisdom, please feel free to share!

My point in telling you that I needed a cesarean is not to discourage you or scare you. But just to remind you to expect the unexpected. Birthing From Within is a wonderful approach to childbirth because it's focus is to help you open to the possibilities of birth (ALL of the possibilities). I do believe that most women can birth naturally and I also believe that a birthing naturally is the healthiest choice you can make, but I also think it's misleading to tell someone that if they read all the right books and do all the right things that they will have the perfect birth (this was the mistaken assumption that I had going into my birth experience and that assumption set me up for failure). You will have the birth that you are supposed to have. And you can influence that, but you can't control it.

Here are few things that you can do to prepare yourself for what might come:

1. Develop a pain coping mind set. Labor and birth is painful, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer. Pain is nothing more than a physical sensation that serves a purpose (to warn the body of danger--i.e. if you step on something sharp, your nerves send a pain signal to your brain which then sends a signal back to your foot and you pull away to protect your foot from further harm). The pain of labor is different because you kind of have to accept and go into the pain in order for the contractions to be effective (speaking from my experience of labor). Again that doesn't mean you have to suffer... you can practice breath awareness, non focused awareness, ovarian breathing, vocalizing, or any number of pain coping practices so that, even if you're in pain, you can break the cycle of suffering. Have your labor support person practice these with you so that, when you're in labor and your brain has turned to oatmeal, you have someone who can guide you back into your pain coping practice if you get out of it.

2. Before you go into labor, visualize yourself coping with something that you want to avoid. The point is not to visualize the unwanted, but to see yourself COPING with it, even if you don't like what's happening. This is a very brief description of a longer process, but essentially, if you can try to visualize yourself dealing with something unwanted and that YOU are innately OKAY even if that something happens... well that can give you a source of strength to draw from if that unwanted something does happen.

Again, I'm not saying all this to try and discourage you. I hope that you have a strong and positive birth experience And I believe these suggestions can help you to be open to the possibilities and to birth from a place of strength no matter how your birth unfolds.


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