# I hate that I have to post here.



## Blessed Sunshine (May 9, 2002)

I don't even know that I can!

On Thursday at a routine prenatal appointment, we couldn't find our babys heart beat. We were rushed for an ultasound in the morning to confirm our worst fears. Our baby had died at 15 weeks.

It's been really hard the last couple days. I've spent most of it crying. I'm angry, hurt and lost. I just want to be able to hold my baby, just once. I'm told that maybe I still can, depending on how long it take for my body to deliver the baby. I couldn't do a D&C, I could let them tear my baby out. I'm waiting and let nature take its course, so my child can be born as gently as possible, but it tears me apart that there may be nothing there to hold.

Our angel is named, we've name our baby Morgan. We'll never know if our angel was a boy or a girl. We're arrangign a service for Morgan, and my uncle is making us a coffin/urn so we can lay Morgan to rest. I hope to have a burial plot, but if our city won't give us one, Morgan will be buried with Uncle Marc, who passed away 2 weeks ago.

This may seem extreme. But Morgan is my baby, and I love Morgan. I can't bear the thought of not laying my precious to rest.

I just want to hold my baby....

How do I get through this???????


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## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

Oh sweetheart (((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Of course you want to hold your baby! I am so sorry for your loss. My advice for day-to-day getting through it is to be gentle with yourself; healing takes time. Let people do things for you.

I wish you the best and will light a candle for your dear Morgan.


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## Megs Mom (Mar 19, 2002)

Oh, Sunshine, no! I'm so very sorry. I can feel your pain so strongly. Of course you want to hold Morgan, of course you want to bury your baby, of course you want your little one to have a gentle birth. I totally agree, I would too. It must be so hard waiting for Morgan to be born. Do go easy on yourself. Rest a lot, let work go, grieve. We are here for you.


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## Mommy StormRaven (Jan 21, 2002)

i'm so sorry for you sweetie! TOday is the 1 month anniversary of my own loss so I feel for you. We too named our spirit child though she died at 8w6d. It sounds liek what you are doign is wonderful. To be open about your greiving is I think the healthiest thing you can do. Give yourself time and tears. Talk to your baby and dry for your baby. I made a doll for our angel, It is a Mother holding a Baby figure, very nondescript but I created teh pattern and sewed and stuffed it by hand, it was a very healing thing for me. We also had a rememberance ceremony and tied our wishes and thoguths for Eva to the strings of balloons and sent them off the highest hill in the area, that too helped me a great deal more than I expected it to. It helped DH and DD as well - even though dd is only 18 months I think she knew on some level what was happpening, she let go of 4 of the balloons and wved and yelled goodbye to them all - I still get teary when I think of her saying goodbye to her sister. We have framed the doll I made and have a special "memorial" candle that we will light on what would have been her birthday (Christmas Day) and the doll will be hung on our wall, all of our children will know that there would have been another sister for them, we wil not hide the fact that she shold have been here with us.

I hope that my own story and idea help. To heal your body and help it to get back to a place that it is healthy again I would suggest reiki, tha tis what I did and felt immensly better ona physical level.

HTH - I know it seems impossible, but you will get through this.

Love, Light and many blessings


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I'm so sorry that you have reason to post here too. I wish there wasn't a need for such a forum. But I am greatful it is here for those of us that do need it.

I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you want to hold your baby. I understand why you don't want the D and C either. I felt the exact same way. If you need someone to talk to please feel free to pm me.

((HUGS)) to you and your family.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Blessed Sunshine, I know this was one of the hardest posts you've ever done. For that I'm so sorry, but thankfull that you could. You need support from thoes around you now.

I'd like to suggest a book 'Miscarriage: A Shattered Dream' By Sharokee Ilse, it's a short, but beautiful book and may bring you some comfort.

Morgan will always be a part of you and for the 15 weeks you nertured this child Morgan felt your deep love. What brought on this heartache may always remain a mystery, most Still Births do. Please know that nothing you have done could have caused this. You love Morgan and your body created and nurtured Morgan as long as it could.

It's very important right now that you care for yourself. I remember when I was waiting for my spirit child to be born. I woke up one morning and poured myself a bowl of cereal then thought 'why bother'. Your body is going to go through so much over the next few weeks. Please try to be gentle with yourself and reach out for the help you need to make it through this.

I found great comfort in a local support group. You may want to contact your local hospital and aske if they know of any organizations you could attend.

You're gently in my thoughts. Please feel free to reach out to us when you need us.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Hello,
I understand all of how you feel. I wanted to let you know that it may take some time for your baby to be born. Our baby died at 12 weeks and I carried her for 11 more weeks before having a beautiful birth experience. You can read it here- "Stella's Birth Story". However long it takes, be assured that you can make it, and try to think of it as a gift of being able to spend more time physically with your baby, as it will later be what you remember most. It can be a time of great gifts, from others and from yourself. You'll probably grow in ways you had never thought of.

Oh, and I do understand the desire to have a proper burial. A cousin lost her baby at 20 weeks the same week I lost Stella, and she had a funeral and burial service on the family grounds. In some ways, I was so jealous, that the world recognized her birth, her baby, more than mine. Although, I actually never checked to see if it would have been possible to bury Stella there too. We had decided to bury her with our son's placenta, under the pear tree out back, and that seemed more appropriate. I love being able to visit her grave so easily. We have a small statue to mark where we buried her- it was a lovely ceremony. Should we move, we will carry the statue with us and put it in a memorial garden for her.

If your journey is long, you may be able to take comfort in knowing there are others of us out here who have been where you are. Much love to you.

Sarah


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

{{Blessed sunshine }}}

My 3rd baby died in utero at about 15 weeks too. Well somewhere between 14 & 16. I ended up miscarrying him at home at 16 weeks. We decided he was a him altho' I was not totally sure. He looked like a tiny skinny alien. Or to my more loving mother's eyes a small skinny new born. He was about 5 1/2 cm long & I got to hold him & kiss him & say goodbye. We buried him under the puriri tree in the our front yard. I never found out why he died. Nothing obvious showed up on the ultra sound & I was just not prepared to let them take my baby away in a plastic bag & disect him.

My MW told me it would hurt a lot having a miscarriage. She was going to get me into hospital into the birthing suite no less & induce me, but I miscarried naturally before they had a chance. I was apparently too far on to have a D&C so I'm surprised they are suggesting it as an option for you. Truthfully, physically, it didn't hurt that bad. I think the emotional pain wipes out the physical pain. I also found that, even tho' I knew he was dead, it was far worse once I'd miscarried him coz then he really was gone.

If you don't want to go the medical route, which is so totally understandable, make sure you look out for any signs of infection like raised temperature, yucky discharge & so on. Keep hydrated. I kept taking my prenatal tea & vitamins. I lost a lot of blood & ended up dangerously anemic so a decent herbal iron supplement would probably be the go. Plus lots of essential fatty acids ( EPO, avocados, flax seed oil, hemp oil...) to help keep your mental balance.

As to your question about how you will get thru this. I really don't know. I did it one day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time as it was all I could face. The pain does get less as time goes on. It will always be there but becomes less raw. I liked the way one of the mamas on this board saw it that her baby had chosen to stay with her forever. That is just so true. Every time I see a puriri tree now or one of their flowers on the ground, I think of him. He is always with me & around me & that to me is very comforting.

Look after yourself well. Love OM


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## Blessed Sunshine (May 9, 2002)

I called to get my U/S pics and they won't give caue i wasn't far enough along. I asked if they could photo copy she replied "I know you're not feeling well, but it's policy." It's all I want. I've got nothing else.

Just venting.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

You must be so frustrated. Can you call your doctor and ask if he can help? Maybe a nurse that you can trust from the practice?

You have so little left of your precious child. It's hard to loose something else. I'm so very sorry and wish I could give you a hug right now.

Vent all you need here. You need to move acknowledge your feelings and move through them. You're deep in my thoughts today.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I am so sorry. I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry about the stupid policy that won't let have what precious little pictures you have f your child.

Please go easy on yourself and get help if you need it. I wish you a peacful and loving birth.

God, bless you and your family.


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## sunmountain (Nov 19, 2001)

I have no idea what brought me here.
But I'm so glad I found it so I could send you some {{{{hugs}}}}
and tell you that I will be thinking of you today.
Please take it easy during this trying time, I will send you strength and love to nurture you.


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## Blessed Sunshine (May 9, 2002)

For you support, thoughts and prayers. though Idont' know any ofyou, it brings comfort that there are those who understand.

As to my ultrasound, Ihave some recourse. I can put a formal request, their reason on the ohone appears to be an infringement on my Freedom of information. I'm doing that as well as when my Dr comes back speak with her to try. I'm doing what I can, so if I don't get them, at least in my heart I know I tried. Morgan deserves to be remembered.

Today I meet with a funeral home, and make plans for Morgan. the church is honored to do a service for us. The funeral home wil do a creamtion at no charge, si helping find a cemetary burial, and we'll see about a marker, though it amy not be placed right away. I'm so relieved that I am able tohonor Morgans memory.


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## Cajunmomma (Nov 21, 2001)

I understand everything you are feeling. We lost baby number 4 at 13 weeks (although I was at 17 weeks before the we discovered it). Our OB induced labor (he too felt that I was too far along for a D&C); it was VERY difficult. Maybe that was in part due to the fact that I knew that there would be no tiny baby to take home after. But we were able to spend time with him after and hold him and talk to him. We even conditionally baptized him (we're Roman Catholics) and took some pictures of him.

Our other children were all very sad about the loss, but having them really helped us to go on.

Talk to your medical caregiver. I can't believe that he or she won't let you deliver naturally or as close to naturally as possible. You need to be with your baby if you can. Saying goodbye is extremely important so that you can go on. There may be some people who don't feel that way. We had a funeral service for our little Emmanuel and the funeral director remarked to the priest at the number of our friends who turned out by saying "Don't they realize that this was a baby who wasn't even born?" To which our priest replied that they all knew just exactly how old the baby was and that they were still there to share our sorrow at not being able to have and hold him like our others. Maybe your grief and sorrow can teach some of these people something.

God bless. It's hard, but you will get through.


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## Blessed Sunshine (May 9, 2002)

I had an angel with me today. I felt I had a right to those, so after crying, I decided that I couldn't give up







I called a lawyer, they haven't told me anything, they are researching for me..lol... but they did tell me the name of an act here, that gives me rights to my information, so I researched that online, found where to call that could answer my questions now. I'm impatient, and I got a lady she explained what the act was and that I had rights with some conditions. She said that since the lab was private not public, she couldn't do anything for me, but provide info, I'd have to do it on my own. Then....

She emailed and asked if she could call on my behalf to let them know that I was formally requesting the info, and that they'd have to provide a section as to why I couldn't have them. well, the technician told her the same thing it's policy and she told them that they weren't following the act...LOL... seh was put through to the CEO, and he said no problem, but I'd have to pay for copies of the films.

I had an angel with me for sure. Some One heard my prayers. IT's such a tiny thing, but it brings me peace that I'll have them, no matter how tiny this baby will be in the picture.

I am birthing naturally, and hopefully at home, as if I go to the hospital I'm not likely to get Morgans body, and I'm laying this angel properly to rest.

thank you all for your support.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

I'm so happy to hear how everything's going. You are a great mother to Morgan- fighting for him, your family, your intergrity.

One other thing I thought of, is that it's a good idea to start taking iron and chlororphyll supplements now, to help prevent hemorraging and anemia and to help your body renew its blood more quickly later. And keep taking those prenatals, they're good for you.
Sarah


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## Blessed Sunshine (May 9, 2002)

I need peoples opinions. We are doing a burial for Morgan, and i'm struggling to decide on a plot. It's been offered to rest with great granparents, a plaque would be added to show our Morgan is there. Morgan is not alone there. OR, we can get anew plot, where in the future when a burial is required again, we could join our angel in her resting place. But until there Morgan is alone in the resting place.

I believe that Morgan is NOT alone, but with God and all our loved ones before our angel. But it's hard.


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## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Can you visit each of the plots and see which one "feels" right? Also, maybe try to visualize yourself visiting years in the future to help decide.

peace to you, Sarah


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

I agree with Moonglowmama. See which one feels right. An extra thing to consider is that I know a lot of cultures consider that our spirits return to our ancestors when we die. So, from that point of view, the plot with the great grandparents would be ideal. Another thing that struck me with you getting a new plot, is do you think you will still live near there when you die ? I know a girl who had a termination when she was very young. She didn't want to do it but was kind of pushed into a corner on the whole thing. She kept the baby & buried the baby in her favourite park under a tree. She told me she didn't want to put the baby in the garden of her parents house in case they moved.


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## charmarty (Jan 27, 2002)

I am so sorry!I know how excited you were that this was your first"planned"pregnancy.You knew like the next day you were pregnant!I can understand how you feel about even though the baby was unborn,the baby is still a human being.If you need anything you know I am just a few blocks away.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

The funeral arangements are a way that your mothering your child. You have all this maternal energy right now and you need to put to somplace that feels right for you. Years later, you'll be happy that you put your energy toward putting Morgan to peace - you'll know that you did all you could.

As for the final resting place. I agree, you should go to both places and try to see what feels best. Both are beautiful options and either way, Morgan will never be alone - you will always hold Morgans memory - just as I do my spirit child.


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## festivus1 (Jul 22, 2002)

Here is my miscarriage story. I wasn't as far along as you, but there are probably still some similarities in feelings and grief... This is from something I posted on another miscarriage board at another site:

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Your posts brought tears to my eyes, dear. I related sooo much to what you wrote. I think that as with any other death, people (including ourselves, unfortunately) expect us to grieve quickly and neatly and within a certain time frame and then we're done. Yeah, right, huh?

As I'm sure all of you here must have felt, I was devastated when I miscarried. Here were all these innocent hopes and dreams of a child I was to have, gone. While pregnant I had imagined life with that child, what he would be like, how he would love me, how we would love him, etc. After I miscarried, I felt so naive for thinking nothing could go wrong. I had already fallen head over heels for this child without yet feeling him move or seeing his face. I say "he" b/c it was just the feeling I had that he was a boy.

For months afterward, I felt depression and loss to my core. It made me question my faith. I thought that if you lead a good life, things like that didn't happen. I was secretly angry at other women who were pregnant. I missed my baby.

I felt markedly better after a couple of months, but the feelings were easily brought to the surface for quite awhile after. It's not something I think of often now (that's the good news - it does get better), but still, reading your posts even, brought tears of remembrance to my eyes.

I think your feelings are completely normal. There is no time limit to grief. I did see a counselor, initially for something else, but also to process my loss. I was fortunate to have a very supportive husband and family who recognized that this was a child we had lost.

Some things that helped me were some of the things that you are doing. Talking to people was the big one. Let me qualify that: talking to people who understood and didn't say ridiculous things like, "Oh, you can have other kids", "You were only five weeks along", "Now you get to have fun trying", and on and on. You all know those words and more.

I kept a scrapbook of all the cards I received, test results, and poems that I had found that really spoke to me and that child. I found some wonderful books at the library and copied out pages that were helpful and that I identified with. I bought an angel ornament for the Christmas tree so that each year we would remember that child and any of our future children will know in their time. I found it important to name that child. To recognize him as a person.

Thank you for what you wrote. It helped me remember. It is so much easier to think about these days. I look back and feel blessed by that little soul. While I was carrying him I felt so very special and full of life. Almost invincible and full of hope. What a gift he gave me if only for a short time.

Be gentle with yourself. Whatever you are feeling is normal. I'm not saying that someone might not need medication if the depression is overwhelming and interfering with life, I'd be the last to say that. But, "grief hurts and it isn't pretty". That's what we're dealing with here. You have every right to still mourn that baby! Don't shortchange yourself!!!

Much love!

-----------------------------------------------

Hope that helps a little...


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## Brandonsmama (Dec 25, 2001)

Please know that others who have been thru this pain understand. Everything you are trying to do is a wonderful tribute to the spirit of your precious child. My thought are with you and I share your tears tonight. The spirit that is your dear baby will never ever be alone. You will see to that. You will hold her and cherish her in your heart and thru your life. And hopefully someday, the love she taught you will sustain and nurture you and your family.
Please feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk. I am on my computer at least once a day.
Take special care of your physical body thru this process and allow others to help. I am sending you peace and healing thoughts. Sandi


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