# 3 1/2 yr old arguing about everything



## Mearaina (May 3, 2005)

My dd will not do anything she doesn't want to do. She says "no" and just stands there looking at me. This is a new phase for us and I am at a loss as to what to do. There is no pattern, just that if she feels she doesn't want to do something (pick up her toys, stop kicking her sister, etc.) she will flat out refuse to listen. When she is in a good mood she is the sweetest little girl. I think part of the problem is she needs to eat better and get more rest. But the root of the problem is her direct challlenge of authority. She says things like, Mommy, I am grown up. Stop arguing with me". I just don't know what to do. She is very smart, almost too smart, and I don't know what to do. The other day I had to send her to her room while I calmed down and it took a LONG time for me to do so. I also have a 22 month old dd and am 7 1/2 months pg. This pg has been very stressful and I have to rest a lot so maybe she is reacting to stress? I don't know. Please give me ideas. TIA

~Lisa


----------



## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

3 1/2 yr. olds can be pickles







She sounds quite typical! It sounds like she might be trying, in the only way she can figure out, that she needs something (attention, more autonomy, choices, etc).

Pregnancies can be tough on everyone in the family, esp. when there's stress.









I wouldn't underestimate the importance of diet and sleep! I might think the root of the problem isn't her challenging---that's something that is actually important for her to experience and work out for herself. Have y'all gotten stuck into power struggles?

Have you tried reframing things? Employing some playfulness into your routine? Instead of a power struggle, you might consider stopping and just being silly. Tell a joke, make it into a game, sing a song, etc.

I constantly remind myself how old my children are and what is developmentally appropriate for their ages. It's easy to forget, esp. if they're very verbal.

Gotta run. Doubt this made any sense, but I'll press reply anyway


----------



## Mearaina (May 3, 2005)

Thanks for your thoughts, georgia. It's good to know this is typical, she is my oldest and I really have no idea what is "normal". The diet and sleep thing could be a HUGE factor, now that I think about it. Now that the days are getting longer she wakes up earlier, if she naps she is up til midnight, if she doesn't nap she is grumpy (but that would be a whole other thread). The winter was better, maybe because it was dark longer and she got more sleep. I do sometimes forget her age. I know a lot of this problem is me, not just her, but I am so burnt out I have no mental energy left. She loves her routine, so maybe if I gradually shift to a different one, I just don't know, and I feel like all my brain cells have left the building. It is almost 1 am here, guess I'd better go to bed.

~Lisa


----------



## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

My post is coming from someone who currently resides with an EXACTLY 3.5 year old, so trust me, when I said pickle, I mean pickle









Not that this helps much, either, but it sometimes brings me some peace...Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (sp?) the author of Raising the Spirited Child and Kids, Parents and Powerstruggles writes that children often go through VERY tough patches on or about six weeks on either side (give or take) of whole and half birthdays. I noticed you'd mentioned your dd was 3.5.....perhaps the .5 might explain something, too? Something developmentally that's perfectly normal yet can be perfectly aggravating.

I hope you get a good night's sleep....though I know at 7.5 months pg, those can be hard to come by. Take care, mama. You're not alone


----------



## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

What works for ds (who will be 3 1/2 next month) is to figure out the reason he doesn't want to do something, doesn't like something, etc. Then we talk through the process and help him find the words to effectively communicate what he is thinking feeling. It helps us when we know his reasoning so that we can change something so it works for everyone. It helps him to know that we are listening and trying to find a solution which is acceptable to everyone.


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Mine is just past 3.5 and I can tell you this is VERY normal. It's actually part of their normal development. Gordon Neufeld calls it "counterwill" and has an excellent chapter about it in his book "Hold On To Your Kids".

You just need to find gentle ways around it. DD often insists on saying "black" whenever I say "white" and I just laugh or start up a game of "yes and no" where I respond "yes!" and she says "no!" and we go back and forth and then I switch to "no" and she'll switch to "yes!"...by the end of it we're both laughing.

When it's things you need her to do, you might say "listen, we're going to the playground and I need you to get your shoes on, okay?" and then go about doing your thing. Surprisingly, just giving them some time to make it their own idea can help. Or I'll distract her with asking her what she'd like to bring with her on our outing (she never leaves home without a book or some fave toy of the moment).

You can and will find ways of working around it. After you've pulled out your last hair, lol.


----------



## Mearaina (May 3, 2005)

Thanks, mamas. Today was a little better. She woke up early to use the potty and I got dh on speakerphone and we convinced her to go back to bed for a while, so she slept more than normal. I also put her to bed about 1/2 hour earlier than normal. When it was time for her to pick up her toys I had her start very early to give her time to dawdle. We still had our issues, but I didn't feel like she was driving me crazy today, so that is a good thing. I made time to read to her and we read together for a good half hour while dd2 was napping, so I think the 1:1 helped, too. I appreciate all the input and support. I am hoping this passes by the time the baby joins our family. Here's to an even better day tomorrow!!









~Lisa


----------



## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Lisa, thanks for the update! Yes, it will probably pass by the time baby arrives, but then, there'll be a new challenge







Hang in there, mama!!


----------

