# I miss my baby



## dylan27 (Sep 3, 2005)

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post... I went to the Grief and Loss thread, but everyone seemed to be talking about extended family members and adults.

My baby left us on 12-12-05 at just 7 weeks old. He was the most perfect baby in the world. So different from my first (8yrs old.) Rainer was so mellow... hardly ever cried. I would hold him for hours just looking at him. I had wanted another child for so long... I confirmed that I was pregnant on my birthday, March 15. I tried to do everything perfectly. I was very healthy during my pregnancy and my body felt great. In August, we found out our son was going to be born with spina bifida and hydrocephlus, which was very scary. We found some wonderful doctors in Phoenix (we live in Tucson) and made arrangements for him to be born there. Despite a planned c-section (due to his deformity) on Oct 27, I went into labor on Oct 21. We barely made it to Phoenix in time, but the c/s went smoothly and Rainer Matthew Keegan entered the world at 4:26 pm. He was immediately taken to the NICU and prepped for transport to Phoenix Children's Hospital. He had his first surgery that night at 10pm. He sailed through with flying colors. He had his second surgery on 10/27. This one also went well. We spent all of our time with him in the NICU, only leaving for a few hours a day. I was allowed to 'nest' with him for four days to begin breastfeeding. I loved being able to stay with him fulltime at the hospital, but then we had to move rooms to one that didn't have a place for me to sleep. I came back for nearly every feeding, but he did have a few bottles of expressed breastmilk. Dad loved to hold him and feed him- I think he was a little jealous when he thought I had a monopoly on this! We were able to bring him home the night of November 1st. We didn't leave the hospital until 8pm and thought about spending another night in Phoenix, but Daddy wanted to get home!
Rainer was very strong from the beginning. He didn't have any complications from his surgeries. He was trying to hold his head about since about two weeks and could manage keeping it up for a minute or so. He had rolled from his tummy to his side once.
On Sunday, we went to Tucson's Fourth Avenue Street fair, which I have loved walking around since I was a girl. I was very excited that Rainer was going to get to people watch. He was a gorgeous baby and everytime we took him out, people would stop us to just ooh and ahh. Afterwards, I was going to take our older son to see the sing-along Wizard of Oz and Daddy was going to take Rainer xmas shopping-which was going to be there thier first trip out in public alone together. Daddy was really looking forward to it!!

I was carrying Rainer in the sling, since it was our favorite way to travel. When he got a little fussy, I thought he was hungry so I started to feed him. I'm so afraid I didn't get him into exactly the right position- I was so determined to make it work that I didn't want to wait. I had fed in the sling before, but only at home when I needed my hands to help my older son. Never in public. I was a little nervous about getting us adjusted correctly, so I rushed things. I noticed after a few minutes that he wasn't sucking anymore, so I pulled myself out. I thought he had just fallen asleep, but he seemed a little too still. I ignored my nagging feeling for a minute or so (God I hope it wasn't longer- I really have no idea.) Since at that time, we were almost to the car and I didn't want to wake him up any sooner than necessary. When we got to the car, Daddy pulled him out of the sling and we realized our baby boy wasn't breathing. We did CPR and called 911. Some people came to help us when they saw...
The truth was, he was dead at that time. The paramedics intubated him to get him breathing again. He was in cardiac arrest for 30 minutes, then they were able to get his heart started again. We weren't being told what was happening- I don't know if we would have been able to make that decision, but it might have been best to let him go at that time. He was moved to PICU and we were allowed to come see him. He was on the ventilator and was never able to begin breathing on his own. His heart seemed to be beating fine, but we told that there was very little chance of him making it through the night. However his heart wasn't pumping very strongly, so he was given lots of medications to help. Oxygen wasn't getting around to his whole body. It was horrible seeing him hooked up to everything. He was full of ivs and wires. Around 3:30 this morning, his heart started having more problems. The doctor told us that he was maxed out on all the medications and there was nothing else we could do. His organs began to fail-- first his kidneys. We made the decision at 4 that we were going to take him off the medications and vent. We called so that his big brother could come back to the hospital. My baby sister and best friend also came back. (Everyone had been there that afternoon and evening, but had gone home to sleep around 12/1am, only the grandmas and us were there.) We just stood there and talked to him and touched him. We wanted to wait for dp's dad to get there. When he did, the nurse and doctor made the preparations to disconnect him from everything. He died in my arms at 4:50 the morning of the 12th. Everyone got a chance to hold him and say goodbye. Dad got to give him a bath and dress him. We didn't leave until nearly 8 am, but I wish I had held him longer. When we left, I wanted to go back in so badly!!

I am so afraid that I suffocated him-- I knew he wasn't quite in the right position, but he seemed okay. And even if I shouldn't blame myself for that- why didn't I notice something was really wrong sooner?? I was holding him against my chest- why didn't I notice he wasn't breathing?? I can't shake the feeling that if I had noticed sooner, than we would have been able to revive him and he wouldn't have gone into cardiac arrest.

I just don't understand how he could survive his disability and surgeries and then die like this. There were so many times before he was born and in the couple of weeks after that we could have lost him, but he was such a fighter that he survived.

I'm writing this and it still doesn't seem quite real. I miss him so much and I keep thinking I need to go find him.

He was bf baby and although it was a little hard at the beginning, since he was on an IV and not particularly hungry in the NICU, he took quite naturally to it. He had a great latch from the beginning- just didn't want to eat a lot at first. Once we came home, he was great.

It makes it worse that I could have possibly suffocated him while feeding him, my breasts hurt so bad. My doctor won't give me the shot to stop milk production, since she had a couple of patients who suffered blood clots and stroke from it. So I've got cabbage in my bra (not sure why, but it was what I was told to do) and am bound very tightly with two ace bandages. It was uncomfortable during the day, but hurt a lot when I was trying to sleep last night. My doctor gave me sleeping pills, but I was only able to sleep 4 or 5 hours. At least it was dreamless. I can't stop thinking...
When I rebandaged myself this morning, it looked like there was blood on my bra, but I didn't see any on my nipples. Not sure where it is coming from, but it seems appropriate.


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## RufusBeans (Mar 1, 2004)

I didn't wan to read this and not reply. So sorry for your loss.
All the love in the world to you





















xoxox


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

I miss you baby too, even though I never got to meet him in person. you've done a wonderful job describing his inner and outer beauty. I'm so sorry for your loss of precious Rainer. It's a horrible injustice for any parent to lose a child.

It natural to go back to that horible moment and play the "what if" game, but you are beating yourself up over something you had NO control over. There is the illusion of control, but from what I've read, it was really just an unfortunate thing. Because Rainer was born with some challenges it is quite possible he had some weaknesses that had not, perhaps, been diagnosed. Babies that are being smothered wriggle around, they are fiesty, they fuss, they cry. You would have noticed, he would have made SURE you noticed. I really truly don't think you smothered him or put him in a position that caused this to happen. Chances are something within him caused him to stop breathing. He was WITH you and this happened, which to me, makes it seems like a near inevitability.

I know it's a moment you will replay over and over again, trying to find an opening for a different outcome. You are a wonderful mom and he was so very blessed to have you. He died being carried by the person who loved him most in the world, which, if a child is going to pass away, is a blessing because you can be assured he was comforted by your presence.

Thinking of you,
Hilary


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## darien (Nov 15, 2005)

It wasn't you! Please don't think you suffocated your baby! You said be was strong and moving about-- he would have wriggled and fought if he couldn't breathe, just like a cosleeping baby does when crowded.

You did everything right--please don't doubt yourself. Every parent checks their baby (as you did) when they get still for too long, because it IS hard to tell if a baby is breathing.

I know it's scant comfort, but your darling did finish his life in a baby's favorite place. I know we don't know each other, but if you need someone to listen, pm me.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

dylan27,
oh, what a wonderful, loving momma you are! i am so sorry you have lost your son. you were given a challenge that many will never know, and the love for your son made his life here the best it could be. we have no control over when and how our children leave us, we can only hope that we leave first. we never got to know our daughter outside the womb. but the time i head with her transformed me into a mother, and i will carry her with me forever. your son got to live with you, see his family, feel the enormous love you all had for him, feel the sunshine, the wind... it is so unfair his time here was too short. i am glad you have found this forum. i hope you can find some support here, and i wish you strength in your journey of grief.


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## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

I am so sorry! your story was so moving, tears are streaming down my face for you.
I really don't think you smothered him, at 7 weeks they are so strong. when I was nursing my newborn I pressed her nose to close to my breast,she couldn't breathe and she quickly pulled away and started squirming as best she could to get me to pull away. This was at 1 week. Babies have a natural urge (like us) to breathe and wouldn't just sit there and suffocate without at least trying to sqirm a bit. It sounds like maybe he had a preexisiting condition the dr's weren't aware of. I am so sorry mama-good luck to you


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

There is nothing more to say than my heart breaks for you and your family. Take care to draw near those that love you.

~peace be to you


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## onlyboys (Feb 12, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.

Peace to you.


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## BethanyB (Nov 12, 2005)

Your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your little boy. I know it is natural to play "what if", but you can't blame yourself; it wasn't your fault!!! My son only lived 35 hours, and we knew he would never leave the hospital; I can't imagine how hard it is for you since you got to take him home and thought he was going to pull through. Try to take care of yourself. This is a great site for support, as we have all lost our babes at one stage or another.









- Bethany B, mom to Quinn 10/14/05-10/15/05


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

Oh mama I am so sorry. I am crying reading your post. Rainer was so loved by his family. Try not to beat yourself up. My heart aches for you and your family.

I remember you from the October ddc and all the plans for the delivery so he could be close to the best medical care. You are a wonderful mama and don't doubt yourself.








Rainer Matthew Keegan









Much love, peace and strength to you and your family during this difficult time.

Patti


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I am so sorry.














: Your baby sounds so sweet and so strong...you are a great mama. You didn't do anything wrong...







:


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## cathynmatt (Jan 25, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no other words.


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## SKK (Apr 9, 2005)

oh my, I am so sorry! Please don't blame yourself!








to you and your family at this difficult time.


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## a-sorta-fairytale (Mar 29, 2005)

I am so sorry. Be gentle with yourself.
Margarita


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

Mama I am so sorry
















Thank you for sharing Rainer with us, he sounds like he was a perfect baby.

You are all in my thoughts, take extra care of yourself during this hard time

tara


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## nydiagonz (Jun 29, 2005)

Mama, I am so, very sorry for your loss and pain.








I wish there were words that could bring you some peace, but having been there, I know that the pain is too great right now. Just know that we are here for you and unfortunately, many of us have felt the jolting, eduring pain of losing a child. Lean on us... Please don't play the "what if" game. When it creeps into your head, push it out. I have to do that daily. I am sending you thoughts of love and peace today. Rainer is loved and missed.


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## lunamegn (Nov 30, 2004)

Hey Mama ~ Just wanted to give you a (((HUG))) I cannot imagine what you are going through. I'm thinking about you and sending you healing and strength.


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## anamama (Sep 9, 2003)

Peace to you at this time.


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## danibu98 (Aug 9, 2005)

to you.
i am so sorry
danielle


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

dylan27,
My heart is aching for you. Losing a child is the most awful thing. Please do not blame yourself -- this was not your fault. He was close to the person he loved when he passed and from your story he was well loved in his short little life. Rainer sounds like a very special little boy. Thank you for sharing your story -- please come back whenever you need to -- we have all lost our babies and are here to listen and give support to one another. Please be gentle with yourself.


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## alsoSarah (Apr 29, 2002)

I am so, so very sorry for your loss.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Please, please do not blame yourself.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby boy


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## monkaha (Jan 22, 2004)

I wish I could be there for you guys.









-Mon


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## MiamiMami (Feb 1, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## mamas2atti (Aug 21, 2004)

Thank you for sharing you story. I am so sorry. You were a great mama to your beautiful boy and it is not your fault.

For your breast pain you can take a sage tincture. Don't bind your breasts-that can do harm.

Peace to you.


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## rainbow dancer (Dec 14, 2003)

dylan27,
you are indeed a wonderful mom. Maybe, just maybe, your little baby boy - on a subconscious level - wanted to leave this world in your arms rather than in a hospital bed stripped to all kinds of machinery.
You did everything you possibly could to make the short time
your son had on this earth a wonderful one.
Thank you for sharing your story.


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## Mearaina (May 3, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss.









Mommy to Meara (6/21/02), Raina (6/10/04), m/c (6/8/05 at 10 wks), and Baby Lovebug edd 6/16/06


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## Mama J Rock (Apr 2, 2004)

May you find comfort and peace at this time of your sorrow. Your little guy was so fortunate to have such a loving mama. I'm so sorry.


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss mama,














: for peace for you. You did nothing wrong mama, your baby was very lucky to be in your arms and held and loved by you, he was a fortunate baby to have such a wonderful mama.


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## ekblad9 (Nov 21, 2001)

I am so, so sorry. Do not blame yourself. I will pray for you.


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## Boxerlove1 (Oct 11, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a difficult decision, to take your beloved baby off of those life-saving machines. It was a decidion that I myself had to make.... at the time, I knew that even if he did survive, the kind of life he would have had was not any life at all.... so we did it. Afterward, I wondered to myself if I had made the right choice... I wanted to hold him forever, to never let go, and I lost my mind when they took him away. I would give anything to have him again, even if just for a moment...

Try to be easy on yourself... you're a good mom, that much is obvious. You may think it would be easier if you could say for certian WHY it happened, but unfortunately, sometimes there is no answer, so try not to beat yourself up over it. It sucks and its hard, but I'm glad you found this board. Hopefully you can get some support here - we all share a special bond, and there is so much love and wisdom in here . Take care..


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## Hey Mama! (Dec 27, 2003)

Oh momma, I am so sorry for your loss. He sounds like he was a really special little guy. Just take solace in the fact that he passed in the best place there is, in his momma's arms. listening to your heartbeat and breathing, the sounds he had heard all those months in the womb.


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## Amandzia (Aug 16, 2003)

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I hope you'll seek out counceling. This isn't something people can get through without help.

Please don't bind your breasts. That can cause mastitis. You might find that expressing just enough to be comfortable will help dry up your milk gradually. Warm showers on your breasts can help too. Some moms who've suffered the loss of a baby donate expressed milk to a local milk bank.

Be gentle on yourself. Your feelings of grief and replaying the scene in your mind is normal. Please seek out grief counceling. Try not to blame yourself. It's not your fault.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I just want to tell you how much love and sympathy I feel you. Rainier was an amazingly strong little boy...what challenges he endured!
Please...just as the other mamas here have said...you are not to blame. Precious little Rainier may have just had a frailty that was undetected.
His last moments in this world were spent with his mother who loved him so much...close to her skin, hearing her breath, next to her heart.

Love to you.

Mel.


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## janebug (May 25, 2005)

Oh mama, my heart aches for you. Know that we are all here for you and reaching out and encircling you with love. Your sweet baby Rainier will live on in us all.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I am sooo sorry.... your story just broke my heart. I lost my son two months ago due to a cord accident during delivery. Just like our son was gone due to an accident so was yours. It was not your fault and it was not my fault although I have blamed myself too







Mama I am glad you got precious days and memories with your little one. I too had to pull the life support from my son a week after his birth and my husband and I held them til the end... It is just so hard ... I really thought I could not go on.
I know the heartbrake and the longing so well







I want to let you know that where you are right now is a horrible place to be... I thought I was going to go out of my mind. Now two months later it is still bad - I miss him everyday... I think of him everyday... but the pain is so much more gentle and I am starting to learn to live my "new life" So there is healing it just takes time. I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious son. What a beautiful name he has! He will always be part of your family just like Grant is part of ours. I also have another older son who is two and misses his baby brother... Just wanted to send my love. I am here if you need me. BTW I have breastfeed in a sling that could totally have been me. There is nothing you did that caused this... really you are such a good mama.

Also yes do not bind your breast that is old school advice. Best thing you can do is take vitamin B6 and sage (they sell it as pills at natural food stores like Whole Foods etc.. or in tinctures like someone suggested)


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## rn (Jul 27, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss.
go easy on your self, You did nothing wrong.

come here and vent all you need to. It is so hard.


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## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you lost your precious Rainer. I think he just wanted to be with his mommy when he passed. My baby passed away just about an hour after I was able to arrive at the Children's Hospital that he was flown to. I believe that he was waiting for me to be with him, just as I believe Rainer wanted to be held next to your skin. Please try and get some rest and go easy on yourself.


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## maxwill129 (May 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your babe sounded like such a wonderful guy...thank you for sharing his life with us.

Mama, I'm so sorry that you have the feeling that you did something. Please try and remember that it wasn't you! You did nothing to make this happen.

You'll be in my thoughts.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Many prayers and positive thoughts are going up for you right now, mama.







I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your precious Rainer. It's not fair and no mama should have to experience the pain of losing a child. Please, please, please don't think it was anything you did. You were taking the best care of him possible and it wasn't your fault!! Not at all!! Be gentle w/yourself and I wish you much peace.

I hope, when you're ready, you'll hang around here. These mamas have been so good to me and will welcome you w/open arms. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time w/your milk. I know that pain too well and after 13 weeks pp, my left breast is still producing. What a painful reminder.
















s to you. Please PM if you'd like to talk. My ears are open anytime.







s


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## KYCat (May 19, 2004)

Oh mama














s My heart aches for you.
Please do not blame yourself. You are a wonderful mama and you loved and cared for your baby - that is all that any of us can do. The loss of my son has taught me that there is so much in this life that we cannot control.
Be gentle with yourself and know that you did all that you could for your beautiful son, Rainer.
Peace to you.


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## mamaley (Mar 18, 2002)

I am so, so sorry. You and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers.

And please be gentle with yourself.


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## Nitenites (Jan 23, 2003)

Oh, mama, I wish there was something I could do to help.

My prayers are with you.


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## DarkHorseMama (Mar 8, 2003)

Peaceful thoughts for you and your family during this time.









Your babe slipped away in the most beautiful place possible. In his mama's comforting embrace and at your breast. I can't think of any place more special and loving for Ranier to have been.









The mamas here are right, the "what ifs" are just mind games and negotiations to justify something where there is no "justice." Be gentle with yourself. Your son had a beautiful and loved life.


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## cristinaoketch (Dec 20, 2005)

my heart hurts for you as I cry for your loss. You have captured the spirit of your son in your writing, his soul is present in your words and heart.

Out of your pain comes hope, as I have never loved my daughter as much as I do now. Thank you for sharing your loss, it has made me better undertand the unconditional love of a mother.

Rainer will live on forever, God Bless you and your family in this holiday season.

"Tis better to have loved and Lost, then never to have loved at all"


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

I'm so sorry mama...
I know it's hard not to blame yourself, but you mustn't. There is no better place for your son to pass than in your loving embrace, and for that you were both fortunate.


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## Girl Named Sandoz (Jul 16, 2002)




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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## mstigerlily (Dec 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dylan27*
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post... I went to the Grief and Loss thread, but everyone seemed to be talking about extended family members and adults.

My baby left us on 12-12-05 at just 7 weeks old. He was the most perfect baby in the world. So different from my first (8yrs old.) Rainer was so mellow... hardly ever cried. I

My first post here, read your post and am horrified and filled with grief on your behalf. I don't know what to say to ease your pain - there probably isn't anything that would help. I hope just talking about it was helpful. I am so so sorry for your loss.

Melissa


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so very sorry ... my heart aches for you and the pain you must feel... I am so so sorry..


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