# I'm a new mama today.



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

*No more yelling.
No more threatening.
No more guilting.*

And this is my thread for accountability.

If anyone wants to join me, please do so!

I originally made an almost identical post about two years ago, and we had a really good thread going for a while, but as all threads do, it eventually died out. I'm hoping we can get it going again, because I am feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated and guilty, and I *really* need the support.


----------



## major_mama11 (Apr 13, 2008)

I'll join! Yelling, threats, and guilting, sounds just like all the behaviors I have been struggling with in myself lately.


----------



## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

I am in too!
I'm also happy for any book suggestions. I have "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" from the library right now, and something else I can't remember.

I've just gotten so loud and gotten the pissed mom tone way more than I want. I'd like them to be less wild, but I'd also like them to hear in my voice that I love them!


----------



## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

I'm in. I don't have a problem with guilting as DS isn't old enough to get that, but I suuurely have problems with yelling and threats. Which he also doesn't get, so I'm not sure why I think that will work







I'm always hesitant to post details about my parenting though as I had a therapist call CPS on me once









Anyway, I have out from the library "The Explosive Child" and "Raising Your Spirited Child" and "Playful Parenting." Now I just need to find the time to read them in between actually parenting, knitting, and playing our new Wii!









I hope I can be a good mommy tomorrow. I'm up so late because I can't sleep and I worry that it'll make me a grumpster in the morning


----------



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Total success this morning with my new attitude! I could NOT get out of bed this morning, so I ended up waking up 12 minutes past the time that I absolutely have to get up in order to get DS1 off to school in time. Instead of panicking, I thought of a quick breakfast he could eat as he got ready, and I very gently urged him to see how fast he could get ready. I never yelled, I never rushed him in a rough way, I never used the word "hurry." And the morning went SO much more smoothly than it would have had I been yelling & fuming the whole time. Why do I think it makes things easier/better to be harsh? It never does. Hopefully this morning was a good lesson in staying calm even when in a rush. Oh, and he was out the door on time, BTW.


----------



## crazylady (Mar 18, 2008)

i think this is great! My oldest, 3.5, and I have been struggling with this. I need encouragement and support!! I know that I can do better!


----------



## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

We did alright for a bit, but I just yelled at DD as she took a toy from her baby brother and flung it across the room.







at myself.

I have to go get us all dressed and out the door, because Monday mornings are the hard-to-get-moving morning and they're starting to bounce off the walls and groan at each other.


----------



## mi.birthdoula (Jun 12, 2008)

Mind if I join you ladies too?
We try really hard to be gentle with our kids, but lately I feel like I've been about ready to lose it with them....The girls have been fighting SO bad with eachother EVERYDAY.


----------



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

So far, so good today. I did speak sharply with my 2-year-old when he pulled out rolls and rolls of Foodsaver bags and unrolled them... but I immediately apologized, and we moved on without incident. No other slip-ups so far today. My 8-year-old comes home in 2 hours, though, and he's my major challenge. I'm girding my loins


----------



## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Hard day all around! I did less yelling, so that's a plus. DD however, did lots more. Moaning at the top of her lungs and kicking the dog!







Ugh. She did have a nap, but I have to come up with a new Monday morning plan. I think maybe DH needs to help so we all go get bagels together or something, talk about the week ahead, etc. Then the kids and I will be dressed and ready to go and out of the house at least, and from there we can decide library or park or grocery store first.


----------



## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

I need this... Between hormonal imbalances and a medically fragile baby once you add my three year old into the mix I'm a mess these days... and I hate how I'm treating him.

Some accountability would be good...


----------



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Had a little bit of breakdown right at the end when everyone was tired and getting ready to go to sleep. We have been ending our days with everyone laying around in the living room watching TV, which is a bad habit for us. I recognized tonight that I get very frustrated if I'm trying to hear the TV and miss something "important" because of my kids being loud, so the solution is to wait until after the kids are asleep to watch anything important to me. I also have a problem with being very short/borderline mean if I fall asleep before the kids and then one of them wakes me up to ask/tell me something. It's like I have no sense for a few minutes and can't remember to be nice. I have to start trying harder to stay awake in the evenings until the kids are asleep. A regular bedtime for all of them would be nice but is probably highly unrealistic at this point, especially with my 2-year-old who is still co-sleeping.


----------



## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

I yelled pretty meanly at Toby this morning when he was fighting a diaper change. I hate when he fights me, it's not like I can't change him and it's not like I enjoy cleaning poop off his butt. If he doesn't struggle it wouldn't take so long but he never just lies still GRR.

But other than that, I did pretty good today


----------



## crazylady (Mar 18, 2008)

Bad day here! Need to remind myself that tomorrow is another day! Keep up the good work ladies!


----------



## Moonchild77 (Apr 15, 2008)

[QUOTEi think this is great! My oldest, 3.5, and I have been struggling with this. I need encouragement and support!! I know that I can do better! ][/QUOTE]

As if I said this









I really need to be a better mom, to myself and my 3.5 y old son.

I do have issues ( I have GAD and take Zoloft, but my therapist stopped working at home, so I am not in any kind of therapy, I do miss my soundingboard (is that a word in English????)....

I do not want my kid to grow up thinking yelling, threatening and even hitting is okay....


----------



## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

We've had another struggle filled day today. I feel so hopeless... when he was younger I vowed I would *never* treat him the way I was treated and I did so well even through really stressful times. But then I slipped once... and now it's a pattern that I can't seem to break









One of my biggest triggers in our day is nursing. I have full on nursing aversion with him (the 3 year old). I am full out angry many of our nursing sessions. It's awful. I was fully committed to CLW but the thought of another year or more of this makes me want to break down and sob... It's only with him, nursing his younger brother is fine.

I'm recommitting to having a good rest of our day. He's sleeping now but should be up soon. I want us to enjoy the rest of our day.


----------



## maggiemae (Apr 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *triscuitsmom* 
We've had another struggle filled day today. I feel so hopeless... when he was younger I vowed I would *never* treat him the way I was treated and I did so well even through really stressful times. But then I slipped once... and now it's a pattern that I can't seem to break









One of my biggest triggers in our day is nursing. I have full on nursing aversion with him (the 3 year old). I am full out angry many of our nursing sessions. It's awful. I was fully committed to CLW but the thought of another year or more of this makes me want to break down and sob... It's only with him, nursing his younger brother is fine.

I'm recommitting to having a good rest of our day. He's sleeping now but should be up soon. I want us to enjoy the rest of our day.


I am not trying to get you to wean, but I have felt things very similar. When my first DS was about 15 months and I was pregnant again, I had the thought of throwing him across the room while I was nursing. I knew right then that I HAD to wean or I was afraid I might hurt him (through words/moods and my body tension- not actually physically). My thoughts are with you.


----------



## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
*No more yelling.
No more threatening.
No more guilting.*

And this is my thread for accountability.

If anyone wants to join me, please do so!

I originally made an almost identical post about two years ago, and we had a really good thread going for a while, but as all threads do, it eventually died out. I'm hoping we can get it going again, because I am feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated and guilty, and I *really* need the support.

I remember the original thread. It helped me immensely. So much so that I recommend to many people to do a daily affirmation when they are going through a rough patch. I look at myself in the mirror and say something along the first few lines you have posted here or whatever it is you want to be.

TODAY I WILL BE PATIENT.
TODAY WE WILL HAVE FUN.
TODAY I WILL NOT YELL.
I AM A GOOD MOTHER.


----------



## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *triscuitsmom* 
We've had another struggle filled day today. I feel so hopeless... when he was younger I vowed I would *never* treat him the way I was treated and I did so well even through really stressful times. But then I slipped once... and now it's a pattern that I can't seem to break









Me too. (Also, yay for Tobiases!) I hate treating Toby this way. Today we did okay, but I did snap at him for whining and then when I was trying to hurry us downstairs he was going so slow so I took his hand and was trying to get him to hurry and we both fell down the whole flight of stairs. Popcorn everywhere (I was carrying a bowl of it). Toby was fine, just scared, but my leg hurts. Waaah.

I just wish parenting and patience would come easily to me. I love the little beastie but I'm not very good at showing it


----------



## mi.birthdoula (Jun 12, 2008)

Yesterday wasn't such a hot day...Went to have family pics with my mom/dad/little brother and Lara was NOT having anything to do with it. She just wanted to cry, literally cry. I tried to remain calm and just let her sit out, but then she started screaming hysterically, so I kind of lost it then. I spoke pretty harshly to her.







After we got done, I apologized to her, and then she apologized for throwing a fit (without being asked) and then proceeded to ask to have her pic taken.







so we took a few more.

Today has been good. No problems getting her off to school or anything! Hopefully the rest of the day goes as well.


----------



## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cujobunny* 
TODAY I WILL BE PATIENT.
TODAY WE WILL HAVE FUN.
TODAY I WILL NOT YELL.
I AM A GOOD MOTHER.









I actually got a little teary reading that (alright a lot teary







). I keep telling myself what I shouldn't be doing, but I really like the idea of turning that around into something more positive.


----------



## Bulkswife (Nov 19, 2009)

Excellent thread!! I too need to do better. We all have our pitfalls and our not-so-great parenting moments, but it's recognizing that we need to do better that makes us good moms.

I also need to stop yelling, threatening, finger-pointing. Some days I'd be embarassed if people saw me that way.


----------



## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *triscuitsmom* 
One of my biggest triggers in our day is nursing. I have full on nursing aversion with him (the 3 year old). I am full out angry many of our nursing sessions. It's awful. I was fully committed to CLW but the thought of another year or more of this makes me want to break down and sob... It's only with him, nursing his younger brother is fine.

Mama, cut yourself some slack. You have given him the most incrediable gift for THREE YEARS! I was lucky to ALMOST make it to a year. (Don't ask, I didn't wean because I wanted to) I dont think anyone would think any less of you if you weaned.

I have found breathing to be a life saver. Because let me tell you, the minute he starts kicking me, during a diaper change usually, I SEE RED. I will admit to slapping a leg on one or two occasions. I felt so bad afterwards. And I havent done it in a while.

And yelling, this has ALWAYS been my BIGGEST downfall, even before I had kids. I am a loud talker by nature, but piss me off, and hell hath no fury like Gina and her MOUTH. My husband doesnt help the situation either. he was yelled at every second when he was a kid, and he sees nothing wrong with that. I on the other hand, dont want to raise my kids that way. NO one seems to have any connection or closeness in his family, and I want my boys and us to be thick as thieves! The four musketeers. We are working on it. And When I use reason with him, he tends to get it. Its still hard to work on your own personal growth when you have someone else bringing it out occasionally.

Lately, like RIGHT before this thread was started, things started going well. But there have been moments of complete frustration, especially in the morning, after Matthew has kept me up half the night, both boys wake up before I can even get in the shower, then charlie is fighting his diaper change, matthew is RIGHT UNDER MY FEET while I am blowing drying my hair, and on and on. I try SO HARD not to rush Charlie (Matthew I can just pick up and go) I find that after I loose my cool and yell, but then apologize, and explain WHY I yelled, and that I am sorry, and I love him, I feel better. And these instances have been happening less and less.









But I will check back withcha tomorrow, could be a totally different story.


----------



## ginadc (Jun 13, 2006)

I'm in!

With a very smart, very athletic, easily bored almost 4-year-old, and a 20-month-old who's really starting to feel his independent oats, plus one more on the way in June, I very much need the constant reminders, encouragement, and advice to keep myself from losing my patience, threatening, yelling and so on.

I know it scares my kids when I yell. I know that it's good that I don't use physical punishment--especially since I was raised with it and although I totally hate it, it seems to be "default" mode after that upbringing--but it's not enough.

I need to recommit myself to this every day with that "Today I will be patient..." mantra. I think I'm going to paste it on the inside of my medicine cabinet.


----------



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Thanks so much for joining me in this journey, mamas. You can't imagine how much it means to know that I'm not the only one struggling and I'm not the only one who doesn't enjoy parenting 100% of the time.

I really like your affirmation a lot, Cujobunny. I'm going to add that to my own morning routine. I remember you from the original thread and am very glad you found your way to this one.









Yesterday was wonderful...mostly because DD was at her dad's. Things are so much more peaceful here when she's gone. I know that sounds terrible.







The thing is, I actually consider her the most calm, agreeable, quiet kid of all three, but for some reason, the whole house goes nuts right when she walks in the door and doesn't calm down until she's gone again. Why is that? I don't understand it. She stays with her dad about one or two nights a week, and those nights are always a relaxing experience for me. Maybe my boys just get along better with each other more than with her? Maybe it's the age thing. She's the middle child and very close in age with my youngest (20 months apart), whereas my boys are nearly 6 years apart. I don't know... maybe the two little ones feel like they're competing for my attention?

Anyway, today has sucked. I have been on edge ever since DD walked in the door at around 2:00 this afternoon. She & DS2 started arguing/yelling immediately over a stupid toy motorcycle, and I lost it. I even told DD that things were peaceful until she walked in the door.







What a terrible thing to hear from your mom when you've been gone for a day and a half. I've since apologized, but you can't take those kinds of things back.







:

I'm planning to let all three kids help with dinner tonight, so hopefully that will be a fun experience and we can have a happy rest of the day. I hate the feeling that I've let three awesome days go to waste because of a few bad minutes today.


----------



## Asparagus78 (Aug 14, 2009)

ohhhhhh...... I need to join you mamas and stop the screaming and threatening!


----------



## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

I've realized what a difference organized and decluttered toys and clothes make, and what a difference a good night's sleep can make too!

Yesterday morning there was a fair amount of shouting, because I decided that it was a top priority for the kids room to be cleaned and organized. I'd let it go in favor of keeping the more public areas tidy, and it was devolving into a giant mess AND they just don't play in there, or don't play happily or with joy in there when it's that sort of messy. It's not fun to "play restaurant" when half the toy food is stuffed in the bookcase and plates are missing, etc. It wasn't full-on angry shouting though, lots of "DO NOT hit your brother with the asparagus, just put it away"









And it made such a difference for the afternoon, and for this morning. I told DH I HAD to get a decent night's sleep and he agreed to get up with DS when he wakes at 6:30-7am (the rest of us get up at about 8:30, we're a late-rising family mostly). Sometimes this means DS screams until I give up and just get up, but this morning, with a tidy bedroom, DS whispered to Dada "Dada up? Come dada. Play? Baby draw! Baby Dada trains" He knew what he wanted to do and where to find the toys he wanted. Nice, quiet, happy time with Dada!









After the kids were in bed, I went through their drawers and took out the outgrown/non-seasonal stuff. So DD is less likely to put on summer sundresses that are too short. She's pants-adverse, but she's got lots of dresses, long sleeve undershirts, leggings, and skirts so she can still "look cute" by her standards, but they're not buried under the outgrown sundresses.







I can get DS' clothes without trying to remember if these are the outgrown brown pants or not.

Today, my goal is the living room toys and bookshelf. I figure they're going to get new stuff for the holidays too, and I'd like to be pared down enough that even with new toys they won't be overwhelmed! I'm amazed what a difference that is making in my and their stress levels, although I knew it before, I just forget.


----------



## elisheva (May 30, 2006)

Joining the thread...

I just had my third three weeks ago and things have devolved into chaos here since...Things that used to bug me but that I could deal with (messes, kid behavior) are now driving me CRAZY. I used to be able to breathe and react calmly when ds1 did something to get a reaction - I was the pro at not reacting. Now I totally lose my cool.

I need to be accountable. My DH isn't really being helpful in the parenting dept. He's following my lead. I have to get my act back together for the sake of the whole family.

Someone in another thread mentioned something about guilt - that if you continue to feel guilty about yelling/spanking then you will continue to yell/spank. If anyone knows of any resources on this, I'm all ears









Today was moderate for us. I swatted ds2 when he sat on the baby's head as I was elbow deep cleaning ds1's poopy pants. Poor ds2 is just a baby himself and had no idea what he'd done. I apologized and we talked about not sitting on the baby. I managed to mostly keep my cool with ds1 until DH went out after supper. Then the baby was nursing, ds2 wanted to nurse, and ds1 started trying to get his fair share of mommy's frazzled attention. I yelled and threatened to send him to his room (why do I do this??? I *know* punishment doesn't work.).

I'm also harboring some anger toward DH who has told me a zillion times in the past few weeks how much he loves me and how sexy he finds me when all I want to do is scream "if you really loved me, you'd pick up after yourself and HELP me when I'm crawling all over the floor trying to collect the toys that have escaped from the nursery and, for the love of all that is good, put the f-ing Iphone away and pay attention to your children who are beating each other over the head because YOU promised you'd play lego with ds1 and you can't get off your a&% to do it!!!!" Of course this isn't the whole picture and he does help somewhat, I just realistically or unrealistically want him to step up his game.


----------



## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Joining in this thread too. I love the affirmations. I have an almost three year old and a 3 month old and have been struggling with controlling my anger. I yell and on occasion, have swatted. I'm so ashamed of this and hope I'm not damaging our relationship for good. Today was great, I used the mantra...I'm hopeful for more good days!


----------



## fyrwmn (Jan 5, 2009)

Can i join too? I've been doing better about the yelling, but it seems like th eonly way 4yr old dd will listen. i ask nicely a number of times and then finally resort to yelling


----------



## nikkiejean (Jul 8, 2007)

Thank you for starting this thread! I struggle with this constantly and I'm sure I'm just way to hard on myself. I want to be that zen mommy who would never swat her little boy's bottom just because he kicks me in the gut during a poopy diaper change. I'm putting the little "today" mantra on a sticky note and sticking it to my mirror.


----------



## mom2tatum (Mar 14, 2007)

Ah. I need a home. And this is the home I need. I haven't read past the first page, but I will. I am so in.

I have a list of reminders for myself on my kitchen cabinet. I need as many reminders as I can get, and this thread could prove very helpful in that way.

Thanks
Lori









Oh, and here is a link to my last blog I wrote that SO applies.


----------



## crystalkr (Jun 29, 2005)

I'm in. I thought I was doing better but today I lost it and told me 5 year old to shut up







I apologized but that seems like so little after what I did.


----------



## elisheva (May 30, 2006)

I had a decent day today. I felt myself starting to get beyond irritated this afternoon trying to get everyone in the car but I held it together. We had a good day.


----------



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Thanks for jumpstarting the thread again, mamas. I'm back to my old ways again... threats, punishments, guilting.







It makes me want to cry to type this, but I have been thinking a lot about how, when my littlest was born, I thought, "This is my chance to start over, to make a perfect relationship with this little one," and now I'm already relating to him in much the same way I do with my older ones, and he's only 2.







:

Today I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, and things are never going to change.


----------



## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
Thanks for jumpstarting the thread again, mamas. I'm back to my old ways again... threats, punishments, guilting.







It makes me want to cry to type this, but I have been thinking a lot about how, when my littlest was born, I thought, "This is my chance to start over, to make a perfect relationship with this little one," and now I'm already relating to him in much the same way I do with my older ones, and he's only 2.







:

Today I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, and things are never going to change.

(((hugs))) "This too shall pass"

Be kind to yourself mama! It's not very realistic to aim to have a "perfect" relationship with ANYONE...we're all human, ya know? I hope things have gotten better for you since your post.

And now I guess I should introduce myself.







I'm Mia, mama of 3 and a half year old Donovan and 3 month old Meadow. And I soooo need this thread. The transition from 1 kid to 2 has been beyond hard....for a little while there I was unrecognizable to myself, screaming my head off at ds every day and collapsing in a heap of sobs to DH when he got home. And the houise is SUCH a wreck, which only adds to my stress.







It's been especially hard b/c I've had NO help. My IL's live 5 minutes away, but MIL and I got into a nasty fight less than a week after DD was born(talk about timing, right?), we finally started talking again last week, and now she's had ds over at her house a coupe of times, and they are even starting a ritual of Friday night sleepovers....aaaaaaahhhh, a little breathing room, and somewhat of a chance to get things done(if this baby didn't keep falling asleep in my lap every 5 minutes







). Ds is quite spirited and has enough energy for five kids, and just does.not.know. when to stop sometimes. So it's nice to have a break sometimes, as well as a chance to miss him....

Thanks, Lindsay, for starting this thread. Good to know I'm not alone.


----------



## mom2tatum (Mar 14, 2007)

How much of us could use more "help"/"alone time"/"time out w/friends"/time out with dp"? A BREAK in more than one way?

I often think this is a point of stress for me, and that I am deeply angry about the fact that dh and I are all that I feel my kids have. It's upsetting that I don't get much break...well, I guess I should be happy that dh is wonderful in that way, but I mean, no.one.else. And he works a lot. And its even more upsetting that my kids don't have many other people in their life.







I could cry and cry over it, at any time, any day. Just somedays I feel much more devastated by it. Today is one of those days. We had a bad day. I yelled, I slammed car doors, I said Jesus, Goddammit, shit, and probably some more, out of sheer frustration. The baby crying, not sleeping much, getting woke up after 10 mins, after me spending an hour trying to get him asleep so I could hang out with my ds1. I depended on tv many hours today because I was scared of getting much more angry than I was. I was depressed. So, I had no energy to do much and when I tried to, it didn't work out! I tried many times, and each time something really backfired and I lost control. I grabbed something out of ds1's hand and I thought I hurt his hand, I apologetically said, "did that hurt your hand?" He looked sad and said "yes. And you hurt my feelings."







God, I had just had it. Poor little guy. Thanksgiving definitely the trigger. I am so lonely.

I hate to introduce myself this way because I swear I am a much much better mommy 90% of the time. The last year or so has been so tough for us, dh laid off twice, adding a second child, so much transitions and adjustments to our family relationships.

We usually have tons of fun together, and I have been having a hard time lately due to my loneliness and frustration with that (in terms of family AND friends) - I just cannot maintain the same friendships with old friends - they are such different parents then I am and it is just too many deal breakers for me - most of them feel the same apparently...it sucks because they all get to stay friends and I am out. And, yet it is a choice for me, I guess. But, wow, no family either except a dad - who treats my ds1 pretty much the opposite of how I'd like him to. It is very very sad. Again, Thanksgiving a trigger for me.

I have to wake up tomorrow with a plan. A plan to make the day smoother and happier. A plan always helps.

Hello everyone. Look forward to getting to know every single one of you and discussing the ways we are trying to improve ourselves as moms.


----------



## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

Mom2Tatum....is there an LLL group near you? That is a wonderful way to meet like-minded mamas and a way to start building a network of friends/loved ones. We ALL need help, especially when our children are so young and so dependant on us! It's hard, because it seems that we that practice AP stand out like sore thumbs in the everyday world....that is why I go to LLL meetings twice a month, not to get advice on breastfeeding(usually), but to get that feeling of: "Wow, these mamas actually UNDERSTAND why I do what I do, and they are here, in front of my face!"









Have you tried the Finding your Tribe section on here?








Hang in there mama.


----------



## mom2tatum (Mar 14, 2007)

Mama*pisces -Thanks for that thoughtful suggestions. I actually do go to LLL twice a month as well, and am in the process of becoming a leader - I love that community. And, I must say, it gave me a home for a long while. I don't necessarily feel that way as much now, maybe because the babies my ds1 grew with, are not coming anymore, in preschool, or whatever...our group is fantastic overall - started a playgroup on the "other" Thursdays, etc...but it has definitely changed, as all things do I imagine. I plan on continuing in the leadership thing and sticking around for a while, for me, and for other moms. And, I did find and keep two friends through LLL, though, and I know we will stay friends in some way for a while, at least while our kids are young. But, are they lasting friendships beyond when they all start school? I just don't know. Yk? I am mostly sad because my old friends were so special to me...since grade school. Even through college, I remained closest with them, not my new college friends...they sort of WERE my family since I lacked that. I have always been close to some of their families, too. I just wish things didn't have to change so much when people become parents. I actually cried when the last one just recently became a mom. Partly, yes, because I was happy for her, and the other part of me was sad because I was afraid of losing her, too. Especially when I saw another friend give her a copy of Babywise and she seemed excited about it...then she wouldn't nurse in front of me - she tried putting off feeding her for what seemed like forever while she fussed - and I had a feeling she didn't feel it was "time" to eat - then she eventually gave her a bottle of her pumped milk...yikes. That hurt because I have a feeling I've made my friends feel intimidated by being the AP nazi (lol, not really, but yk.) And maybe she felt uncomfortable in front of me...why else would a nursing mom give a bottle? I am just so angry that these kinds of friendships don't seem replaceable yet they don't feel like they can return to what they were either...lose lose. Have any of you made lifetime lasting friendships with "new" friends (post-parent) that share your family values for the most part? Maybe I am afraid, too, that this isn't possible because we don't share a past like I did with my old childhood friends. I don't know. But, I know all of this loneliness and anger and frustration is killin me now with trying to be a better mom. Add to that this damn winter weather! AHHHH. All the sudden there is hardly anywhere to go during the day! Bam, just like that, it seems.

I am going to take your other advice and post something in my tribe about any moms interested in starting a playgroup and mom's night out or something. That might help. Here's to hoping I get some responses!

Oh, and I noticed today that the baby took a 2 hour nap and I felt TEN times better. Ds1 and I were able to reconnect after yesterday's disasters - and it felt good to just play with him without distraction or feelings of guilt for ignoring the 8 mo. And, baby was so much more rested after that, and had a better day himself after. Is that the recipe for sanity? Longer naps for the LO? A half hour nap twice a day isn't exactly much time to feel rejuvenated for any of us, nor time for me to get much done - including good playtime with ds1. I always feel like I have SO much to do and not enough time to dedicate to doing it.


----------



## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2tatum* 
Have any of you made lifetime lasting friendships with "new" friends (post-parent) that share your family values for the most part? Maybe I am afraid, too, that this isn't possible because we don't share a past like I did with my old childhood friends. I don't know. But, I know all of this loneliness and anger and frustration is killin me now with trying to be a better mom. Add to that this damn winter weather! AHHHH. All the sudden there is hardly anywhere to go during the day! Bam, just like that, it seems.

I am going to take your other advice and post something in my tribe about any moms interested in starting a playgroup and mom's night out or something. That might help. Here's to hoping I get some responses!

Oh, and I noticed today that the baby took a 2 hour nap and I felt TEN times better. Ds1 and I were able to reconnect after yesterday's disasters - and it felt good to just play with him without distraction or feelings of guilt for ignoring the 8 mo. And, baby was so much more rested after that, and had a better day himself after. Is that the recipe for sanity? Longer naps for the LO? A half hour nap twice a day isn't exactly much time to feel rejuvenated for any of us, nor time for me to get much done - including good playtime with ds1. I always feel like I have SO much to do and not enough time to dedicate to doing it.

Actually, I found my current best friend in the FYT section.







I've only known her for a little over a year, but we talk and text all the time and try to get together at least once every couple of weeks....there are some _great_ mamas on here, and you never know how close one of them could be to you. Plus you know a fellow MDC mama is going to probably share at least SOME of your parenting values....give it a shot mama! I wish I lived closer, I'm always up for playdates.









Naps DEFINITELY help....part of the reason why things are so hard with ds sometimes is that he doesn't take them anymore, unless we happen to be out and about mid-afternoon. Riding in the car puts him out COLD if he's been up for a while, but if he's cranky at home and I suggest he go take a nap, oh no, he won't have it. But then if he DOES fall asleep in the car, doesn't matter if it's as early as noon, it takes FOREVER for him to fall asleep at night.







It's almost worth it though, to not have him melting down on me during the day. Sigh. We're actually looking for a pre-school to put him in in January...he was going to a really great Montessori-based preschool near here, but it closed in October due to not having enough students to stay open. I could've cried. That's why things have been really hard lately too, is I got used to having being by myself in the mornings while he was at school, and was counting on that time to have to myself with the baby....I just need a breaaaaaak. And school is great for him too, for obvious reasons but also because he is SUCH a social kid. So, putting him back in somewhere is going to be good for both of us, even if it's not Montessori-based.


----------



## Shakti77 (Dec 31, 2008)

You don't know what a relief it is for me to see this thread. We do gentle disciplining at home most of the time. I don't want to yell at my 3 yo DD and force her but I end up doing it anyway at times when I'm too stressed, the house is chaos, or if I'm running late.

It's got a lot better now but I still have a long way to go. Accountability and taking one day at a time is doable.

Quote:

TODAY I WILL BE PATIENT.
TODAY WE WILL HAVE FUN.
TODAY I WILL NOT YELL.
I AM A GOOD MOTHER.
It's beautiful... I'm going to make a note and put it near the mirror and the kitchen.

Thanks for this thread, becoming. Hugs (becoming)!!! And please don't worry. You'll get there eventually. Don't add the pressure with the word 'perfect relationship'.


----------



## emilys_mom1 (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
Instead of panicking, I thought of a quick breakfast he could eat as he got ready, and I very gently urged him to see how fast he could get ready. I never yelled, I never rushed him in a rough way, I never used the word "hurry." And the morning went SO much more smoothly than it would have had I been yelling & fuming the whole time.

So what was the breakfast???


----------



## emilys_mom1 (Nov 2, 2005)

I really, really, really need to read this thread daily. My fourth suprise child has set me over the top. I feel overwhelmed and I'm struggling to keep the house up and take care of the kids. I homeschool my 7y (2nd grade), 5y (kinder), and 3y (preschool). I very much enjoy it, but I might have to rethink this next year. I really do need to homeschool the 2nd grader (has some learning problems), but I might have to think about putting the other two in public school next year. I just feel overwhelmed and out of control alot. Then add the 9 month old. He has been sick for almost 3 months. He get a cold, has it for about 3 weeks and then BAM, get another. As it is, he has had ear infections for 17 days now and the meds are still not working. I need to take him back to the dr. Do you know how hard it is to take 4 kids to the dr. and fit in the little bitty room







.

Sorry ladies, I guess I just needed to get some of the out. I look forward to going back and reading all the posts.


----------



## emilys_mom1 (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elisheva* 
Joining the thread...

I just had my third three weeks ago and things have devolved into chaos here since...Things that used to bug me but that I could deal with (messes, kid behavior) are now driving me CRAZY. I used to be able to breathe and react calmly when ds1 did something to get a reaction - I was the pro at not reacting. Now I totally lose my cool.

I need to be accountable. My DH isn't really being helpful in the parenting dept. He's following my lead. I have to get my act back together for the sake of the whole family.

Someone in another thread mentioned something about guilt - that if you continue to feel guilty about yelling/spanking then you will continue to yell/spank. If anyone knows of any resources on this, I'm all ears









Today was moderate for us. I swatted ds2 when he sat on the baby's head as I was elbow deep cleaning ds1's poopy pants. Poor ds2 is just a baby himself and had no idea what he'd done. I apologized and we talked about not sitting on the baby. I managed to mostly keep my cool with ds1 until DH went out after supper. Then the baby was nursing, ds2 wanted to nurse, and ds1 started trying to get his fair share of mommy's frazzled attention. I yelled and threatened to send him to his room (why do I do this??? I *know* punishment doesn't work.).

I'm also harboring some anger toward DH who has told me a zillion times in the past few weeks how much he loves me and how sexy he finds me when all I want to do is scream "if you really loved me, you'd pick up after yourself and HELP me when I'm crawling all over the floor trying to collect the toys that have escaped from the nursery and, for the love of all that is good, put the f-ing Iphone away and pay attention to your children who are beating each other over the head because YOU promised you'd play lego with ds1 and you can't get off your a&% to do it!!!!" Of course this isn't the whole picture and he does help somewhat, I just realistically or unrealistically want him to step up his game.

Are you sure we do not live in the same house??


----------



## emilys_mom1 (Nov 2, 2005)

My last two days were better, but not great. Wish me more luck today.


----------



## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

I'm amazed at just how much even the mantra has helped. Wow. Good days!


----------



## Super_mommy (Nov 13, 2009)

Yes, I have done so much of yelling myself and guilty pangs kept me awake so many nights.


----------



## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Must repeat the mantra...today was not a good day. DD bit me several times and the last (and hardest, finger still hurts) I lost it. Hoping for a better day tomorrow, hoping my kid still trusts me.


----------



## elisheva (May 30, 2006)

Swan. I had a horrible day yesterday. I put ds2 in the nursery for 20 min (he could see me and screamed at the gate the whole time) because I was sooo close to smacking him (Gd bless him, he was just doing exuberant toddler things). I went to bed early and have had a MUCH better day today.


----------



## pumpkinseed (Aug 6, 2005)

Maybe its something in the air this week? I had a horrible day yesterday with my older dd-we were in a horribly stressful situation that was completely my fault. Both kids were screaming hysterically-I could deal with it to a point-and then completely snapped and screamed (and swore







) at her. I apologized-I asked her to hold my hand and then we would get through it together-her attitude turned around in an instant-it was amazing.

Today has been phenomenally better-I have been patient, I have not yelled and we have had fun! I am a good mama
















to all of you!


----------



## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Oh ladies..we can do it. I wonder if the holidays have an exacerbating effect and take a while to get over?

We had a fantastic day today, and it went south when I had to put some medicines on the younger one today...DD1 was trying to touch the very contagious spots on DD2 and just not co-operating while DD2 had a screaming fit. I yelled (after several attempts to distract & redirect) and had to move her to another room so that I could finish treating DD2.

I've decided to buy a couple of books on parental anger. I'll let everyone know how they are. These are the two:

When Anger Hurts Kids

Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma


----------



## reillys_mom (Mar 5, 2005)

I'm working on this every day. DS1 is getting really frustrated and acts out with his brother. Now it feels like we're all caught in a cycle of anger and frustration that just feeds on itself. I try so hard to get through each day and yet each slip up seems to set us back days. So, for now I'll just try repeating the mantra.


----------



## Barefoot~Baker (Dec 25, 2008)

I've been at my wits end lately. I'm going to start a new thread on the specifics, but I really need to calm down for my kids bc they are driving me crazy.


----------



## Materfamilias (Feb 22, 2008)

OK, I'm in








I'm not so much having problems with the 17 mo but the 7 year old can drive me crazy so fast. I just get SO angry with him. He's a sweet kid but really careless and tends to be whiny (fingernails on a chalkboard is like beautiful music next to his whiny).
So I need to work on the patience and not sweating the small stuff.


----------



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I'm back. Still not going well in our household. Today was especially horrible.









Tomorrow is a new day. I will say the mantra first thing tomorrow morning, and I will WATCH.MY.MOUTH. and remember that these are my precious, beautiful, innocent, sweet babies who deserve a patient, kind, and understanding mother.


----------



## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *becoming* 
I'm back. Still not going well in our household. Today was especially horrible.









Tomorrow is a new day. I will say the mantra first thing tomorrow morning, and I will WATCH.MY.MOUTH. and remember that these are my precious, beautiful, innocent, sweet babies who deserve a patient, kind, and understanding mother.

me too.









i'll also remember that a mess is not worth yelling over. especially not in a loud angry mean voice i would never let anyone else talk to my kids in.


----------



## mamalink4 (Feb 17, 2009)

Hi mama's. I am so happy to have stumbled upon this thread, yelling and threatening is a Big thing in my house. It's horrible and most days it's embarrassing. I want it to go away and be a nice household that can use words to communicate and not scream and yell at each other. There is 5 kids and 2 adults in this house daily and that in itself is a bunch of noise, but when you add in two parents who have a hard time controlling aggravation, its almost unbearable. I am going to start my day tomorrow with "I will be more patient". Lets hope for a good day tomorrow.


----------



## elisheva (May 30, 2006)

nak

Just want to share something that helped us. When we're tired, DH and I can both be over-the-top with the kids. Most of the time, thank goodness, it's just one of us. I was finding that I felt bad calling him out when he was being too harsh/lacking empathy or whatever (and he plain wouldn't call me out) so we invented a code phrase we can use in this situation but neither of us can remember exactly what it is in-the-moment. The real phrase is "fluffy sheep" but I went through a string of substitutes the other day when DH was losing patience - "fuzzy bunny...no, fuzzy duck...FUZZY SHEEP". By that point we ALL were cracking up. The mood repaired itself and we had a nice evening...


----------



## Materfamilias (Feb 22, 2008)

NOT a good day Tues but pretty good today. I need to nail that mantra to my forehead.


----------



## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

"TODAY I WILL BE PATIENT.
TODAY WE WILL HAVE FUN.
TODAY I WILL NOT YELL.
I AM A GOOD MOTHER."

I have been thinking about this mantra during the past hour or two, and I am so going upstairs right after I type this to write it on my bathroom mirror, so that I can see it first thing in the morning and repeat it to myself, before I do anything else.

Today. was. HORRIBLE. To say I am glad it's over is an understatement. I was at my MIL's with ds, we ended up by ourselves after a bit because she had to leave to take her mother to the doctor, and I got into a total power struggle with him over helping me clean up toys that he had dumped out all over the place. I wanted to leave, I wanted to take him outside because it was SUCH a beautiful day and I wanted to enjoy it with him. He didn't care and refused to help, and when I got mad and started threatening







, he laughed. Repeatedly.







I don't think there is ANYTHING that pisses me off more than him laughing at me when I'm angry. I didn't hit him, but I did a whole lot of yelling, screaming, threatening, and then I pinched him a couple of different times, the last one being enough to make him cry. And I pulled his hair..all seperate occasions.





















He just would NOT STOP. Looking back, I was so "locked in" like a bull with horns, the tension just kept building and building, and finally something had to give. I absolutely know that I should have walked away. That may be another sign that I put up in my house. *WALK AWAY* I used to be able to do it in the moment, but I haven't called upon myself to do so in a long time. I need to walk away and *BREATHE*. Hit a pillow, like I am always telling him to do when he is angry, but never do myself. I need to never allow myself to get near him when I'm that angry. Shouldn't be that hard to do, right?









I am so not proud of myself, but I know I can do better. Tomorrow I will be a new mama. And DH will be here, so that should help.


----------



## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

I'm TOTALLY IN! I'm horrible with the yelling.


----------



## 4JMJ (Feb 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamalink4* 
Hi mama's. I am so happy to have stumbled upon this thread, yelling and threatening is a Big thing in my house. It's horrible and most days it's embarrassing. I want it to go away and be a nice household that can use words to communicate and not scream and yell at each other. There is 5 kids and 2 adults in this house daily and that in itself is a bunch of noise, but when you add in two parents who have a hard time controlling aggravation, its almost unbearable. I am going to start my day tomorrow with "I will be more patient". Lets hope for a good day tomorrow.

Oh I could have written these exact words myself, but we have 4 kids instead of 5! SO glad to have found this thread, because I need all the support I can get in this area! Sometimes when I think about my behavior when things get stressful around here it makes me want to cry.








I want to be the kind of mama my kids deserve!


----------



## Mittsy (Dec 29, 2009)

I'm in yelling is a big one for me, I also threaten sometimes too.


----------



## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

WOW. I used to think mantra things like this were well, a little hokey....but this one WORKS. It got me through a trip to the grocery store where they were making a scene in the checkout while I was trying to pay. (rocking and banging one of those lovely car carts.)

I might have taken it a little far by immediately taking away the trip to the library.....but later I thought no, what they were doing could have caused a trip to the ER. (cart could've tipped over causing BOTH to fall out--babe was home with gma) And they were warned, and they did it again. On top of being reminded when we first entered the checkout line that they'd done great and now needed to just stay quiet and wait while I paid.

I did not yell. I did not threaten--I don't consider informing them they've lost a privilege a threat....

The only thing I wonder about is I think I took away their ENTIRE incentive to behave...we also had a short stop at the health food store before proceeding to the library, I think it would've given them some incentive to change things if I'd started by taking away the usual "treat" at the HFS. But...I think this is another thread so I'll stop.


----------



## JoanCrawford (Jan 15, 2010)

Yelling is hard for me because I'm normally soft spoken and it seems so out of character :/


----------



## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Although we were so incredibly busy, and even though DD1 took off on me and went missing for 20 minutes in the clothing section of a huge dept store (with security cameras looking for her, staff, even other customers)...I didn't lose it today.

Today what kept going through my head was "break down to break through" and last night DD1 and I had that. I was exhausted yesterday...she called me idiot at least twenty times and hit me almost as many times. I probably nagged her all day and after all of that just really wasn't feeling much sympathy for her. I thought after all day of telling me how horrible I was she'd love to do bedtime with daddy. Then something weird happened. She BEGGED to see me, was distraught, she wanted mommy...at first I thought I'd let DH deal with it and not try to rescue. Then something happened...I just went in and rocked her to sleep like I would have when she was just a babe. I think she finally had her breakdown and all of her anger at me since having DD2 5 months ago she just let it all out. She just needs me. She just wants her mommy. We both bawled together last night, I can't explain it. I just didn't feel like yelling at her today. I said the mantra many times but I was able to actually stop and think before reacting.

Just wanted to share. Today was a good day. We even did bedtime together again tonight and she went down easy.


----------



## academama (Sep 26, 2008)

This is a great thread. I'm so in. I'll read more later--I have two more pages to read!


----------



## mamalink4 (Feb 17, 2009)

Lately its been touch and go. The yelling has gotten a bit better for us, but now if only I could get my 2 yo to stop screaming and hitting me without resorting to a demonstration of how it feels, any ideas ladies? Tried explaining that it hurts and he only laughes and runs off, to repeat it a short time later. Not trying to hijack the thread, if you have ideas you can also pm me! TIA


----------



## WorldsBestMom (Dec 3, 2009)

*I too need to work on my yelling. May be reasoning with the child would be more effective. It probably help them to better understand the reasons why they should not do so on so and the consequences.*


----------



## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

Pah. Reasoning doesn't work all that well here, but I am talking with a 3 yr old in the throes of a tantrum...

I find doing bedtime with especially my 3 yr old helps us connect too.







And I started something today I hope I can stick with as a routine. before I had 2 babies in 22 months' time, I read with DS a LOT.

Now, he is 5 and reading. Not in school yet, but he reads. We all sat down and he and I took turns reading. We need to work a little, DD little control-boss-woman that she is was insisting on wanting to hold the book. But then we couldn't all see, cause I was in the middle.







hmmmm


----------

