# When your dd is say 16-17, she got pregnant, boyfriend left her, what would you do?



## samy23 (Jul 23, 2008)

What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

heck i would be gaining a grandbaby!!! woohoo!!!

since right now my 6 year old is tied at the hip i feel i would totally support her in any way she needed support. whatever that support was. thinking cap to decide to keep baby or else.

i cant imagine being anything else.

i would also post this question in teh teen forum to get a better picture from parents closer to that age kids.


----------



## Smalls181 (May 12, 2006)

I would hug her and hold her close and tell her that she is supported 150% in this.

No name calling, no telling her I am disappointed, or angry, or any of that. Just tons of love and support.


----------



## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smalls181* 
I would hug her and hold her close and tell her that she is supported 150% in this.

No name calling, no telling her I am disappointed, or angry, or any of that. Just tons of love and support.

I don't have a daughter, but if it happened to my niece who is near this age I would do this.


----------



## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

I was 17 when I had my daughter.  I would be supportive no matter whether she chose to keep the baby or not. I would let her know that I would be there for her no matter what, and try to make her feel it would be ok to talk to me about whatever she was going through or feeling. I would make sure she understood that she was welcome to continue to live at home with the baby and that I would do anyting I could to help her continue school.

Just the same as I tried to do when this actually happened to her, when she was 21.


----------



## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

I would be disappointed, but understanding. And happy!! That would be my grandbaby, afterall! The day I found out the news, I would take her *somewhere* to celebrate the news--dinner, pedicure, etc.

I would give my daughter the option of dropping out/getting job, dropping out of HS/start college early (my top choice) or finishing high school. If she stayed in school, I would not make her work (so long as I could afford her and baby).

I would encourage her to stay at home for as long as possible while she gets a college education. I would help her all that I could.

I would expect the boyfriend to help financially. But if he's stubborn, I won't chase him down. I'm sure everyone would be better off w/o him.


----------



## Ann-Marita (Sep 20, 2003)

We would discuss her options - abortion, keeping the baby, adoption - and I would support whatever she decides. We would talk about the importance of continuing her education.

An early step would be to establish how far along the pregnancy is - this would determine how long she has to make some decisions.

If she chose abortion, I'd help her any way I could - make appointments, drive her to them, etc.

If she chose to keep the baby, we would talk about breastfeeding, no circ, cosleeping, gentle discipline, diapering options, etc. (Of course, my dd already has some firmly established opinions about some of this.)

I'd tell her that she is welcome to keep living at home, and we would talk about what amount and kind of child care help she would want me to provide, and what child care she might have to look for outside our home.

We'd talk about employment options for her. If she continued her education, and lived at home, I would not expect her to work (unless she chose to or if we really needed the income).

We'd have to look into options for getting child support from the father (is it worth it?). I'd probably run right over to the single parenting forum on MDC and ask a lot of questions. A visit with a lawyer might be a good step.

If she was interested in adoption, I'd have to (really quick!) research adoption, including a visit with an attorney.


----------



## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

: to what Ann-Marita said. While I was not a pregnant teen myself, I was a teen who had regular sex with a steady boyfriend; even though we were very, very careful and safe every time, that situation could have happened to me - and that's how I would hope my mother would have handled it. It's definitely the way I would handle it.


----------



## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

WHat the PP said. MY DSD was in this situation and all we can offer her is support.


----------



## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Very much what Ann-Martia said except the adoption part.

I think adoption is such a wonderful thing but I don't know that I could encourage my child to follow that path, I would want that grandchild in my life, which maybe a selfish thing.

My mother got pregnant with me when she was 16 in 1970. She married my biological father while still in high school. While they probably weren't thrilled at first, both sets of grandparents were emotionally supportive. At that time and place, lots of people got married straight out of high school so a married senior was just a little ahead of the curve. Financially, my mom was on her own, that is just how the grandparents were.

From the time I was 12 or so, my mom started hammering it into my head that a teen pregnacy would ruin my life. She really took it to the extreme, asking me constantly if I was having sex. I remember it creeping me out, I was barely kissing boys at 15 years old.

She said straight out that while I was the best thing that ever happened to her, her young pregnancy ruined her life in the sense that she was "forced" to marry the wrong man, skip college, etc. Should I ever get pregnant while still in school, I would have to either get an abortion or get out of the house.

Fast forward 20 some years and she is *horrified* by her words and actions and blames herself for possibly influencing me to wait so long to have children. She constantly apologizes.

I would support my child 100% in helping him/her make the best of the situation.


----------



## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I would support my dd as much as I could.
I would listen to her.
I would make sure she knew all her options and did not feel rushed or pushed to do something she might regret.
I wouldn't want her to automatically have an abortion but if she felt it was best I would help her to do that.

Depending on our situation I would offer to care for the baby.


----------



## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

Considering I was pregnant at 16 with a physically abusive boyfriend's baby and a father that called me a whore...I would absolutely support her 100%, listen to her, NEVER call her any names. I would not force marriage and I would support any decision she made in regards to the baby. If she decided to keep it, I would help her as much as possible. If she decided to abort, I would be there to support her and if she decided adoption, I would be there for support. Basically, just support, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

*I lost the baby b/c my bf beat me and caused me to miscarry


----------



## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

I would make sure she knew and had all her options available to her. I would support her completely and try to give her as much emotional support as she needed.


----------



## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smalls181* 
I would hug her and hold her close and tell her that she is supported 150% in this.

No name calling, no telling her I am disappointed, or angry, or any of that. Just tons of love and support.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *rabbitmum* 
I was 17 when I had my daughter.  I would be supportive no matter whether she chose to keep the baby or not. I would let her know that I would be there for her no matter what, and try to make her feel it would be ok to talk to me about whatever she was going through or feeling. I would make sure she understood that she was welcome to continue to live at home with the baby and that I would do anyting I could to help her continue school.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlyzombiecat* 
I would support my dd as much as I could.
I would listen to her.
I would make sure she knew all her options and did not feel rushed or pushed to do something she might regret.
I wouldn't want her to automatically have an abortion but if she felt it was best I would help her to do that.

Depending on our situation I would offer to care for the baby.

All of the above.


----------



## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I would not do the finger pointing I am so disappointed speech thing. I would not give her the speech about how she should not have been having sex. What is done is done. Lets move forward and make the best of the situation. I would help her emotionally, physically (babysitting) and financially as much as possible. I would encourage her to stay in school and go to college like planned. I would do everything in my power to help her raise the baby, including overnight duty and watching the baby so she could still have a small social life. It would be my grandchild, after all. I would encourage her to not list the father on the birth certificate if he is not wanting to be involved. I would not want him coming back after the baby is older and less demanding to care for and wanting to play daddy then. I would encourage her to let the father fade away if that is what the father wanted. She would have my financial support as much as possible until she finished college.


----------



## newclementine (Jan 23, 2008)

Don't have a daughter but if I did -
I would support her and (if she wanted to) urge her to keep the baby and emphasize that this is a choice. I would make sure she finished HS and, eventually, went to college because I would not want her baby to limit her educational opportunities. I would love my little grand child! And I would take advantage of this opportunity to embark on a new kind of relationship with my daughter and I would do my best as the adult in this situation to make that as positive as possible.


----------



## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

I would be sad that DD had made her life so complicated so young BUT having an oopsie baby is not the worst thing that can happen to someone in their life.

I would work hard to start preparing DD to become a momma and help her be ready to make her own decisions and be a responsible parent. I can't be the momma for her, so she would have to grow up quite a bit.

We would support her as much as we could and welcome the child with joy.

I would not be in favor of adoption or abortion (I am pro-choice, but my choice after 4 years of infertility is that the lives in my family are precious).

ETA: And I would hound the boyfriend and make sure he paid his child support. You play, you pay. That's life. I would also encourage him to have a relationship with the baby.

V


----------



## plunky (Aug 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ann-Marita* 
We would discuss her options - abortion, keeping the baby, adoption - and I would support whatever she decides. We would talk about the importance of continuing her education.

+1 to this. I personally would recommend abortion, but would be OK with whatever she decided.


----------



## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

I would give her a hug, and tell her I supported her in whatever she choose to do. I would let her know that she is welcome to stay at our house of course, but that's she either needed to work or go to school, preferably school. I would have no issues helping out financially if that's what she needed, but I wouldn't pay the whole ticket for her. I would expect that she help as much as she could, and if in school, keep her grades up. If she choose to homeschool, I would respect that choice as well since it would mean more time with her baby.


----------



## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

I would be totally supportive also. I would want her to finish high school and hopefully go to college, since I think education is very important. Abortion would not be an option, in my eyes, since I am very much against it. Hopefully, my daughter would feel the same way. I would prefer keeping the baby as opposed to adoption, and even offer to raise the baby myself if my daughter didn't feel ready. I would also try to get the father to help out with support and contact his family.


----------



## mamatoakd (Jun 11, 2008)

I'd be disappointed but an early pregnancy is life-changing, not life-ending. I'd be so sad that she wouldn't get to experience college and then life in her 20's like I did - independent and free to try out anything. Finishing high school and college would be a must but she would need to live at home. I probably would give her the option to finish high school somewhere else (living with a relative) if she felt that going back to her current school would be uncomfortable.

There really wouldn't be any meaningful discussion about abortion or adoption. As I see it, once the baby is conceived, it's part of our family.

I'd say that the boyfriend leaving is the least concern. I'd definitely contact a lawyer right away and establish his responsibilities.


----------



## JennaW (Oct 11, 2007)

I ditto a lot of what everyone else has said. Support her, no name calling.

I think I would try to have a close friend who feels as strongly as I do about birth, breastfeeding, APing ect.. help support her too. I know that even as an adult, I hate feeling like my Mom is "lecturing" me about things.

While it would make me sad if she chose abortion, I would absolutely respect that it is her body and her life, even if I were willing to take care of the baby on my own, she might not wish to put her body through pregnancy.

If she choose adoption I would strongly encourage her to let me take care of the baby, as it would break my heart for my grandchild to be taken by another family if I had the means to take care of him/her myself.

As much as I would support my daughter, I would expect her to start taking a greater sense of responsibility in her life, preferably excelling in school and being serious about going to college. However, I would also support her if she chose to go to work. But finishing high school or getting a GED would be very important to me. I think in the world my daughter will be living in when she is 16, it will be hard to get a job without a college education, let alone a high school education.

I plan to be very candid with my DD about sex and pregnancy throughout her life. I hope when she decides to start having sex she will feel comfortable coming to talk to me about it and be extra cautious about using BC.


----------



## JennaW (Oct 11, 2007)

Oh and I would absolutely expect the BF or his family to help support my DD.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Just wanted to post a reminder. The MDC User Agreement states:

Quote:

We will not host discussions that involve explicit sexual references and are cautious about discussions on volatile topics such as abortion, religion, and race.
Please keep this discussion on topic to the op, and don't veer toward abortion debate.

If you have any questions, please pm me or another Parenting mod.

Thanks!


----------



## Kappa (Oct 15, 2007)

Hopefully we have an open enough relationship for her to tell me when she is interested in starting hormonal contraceptives. Depending on maturity, I would let her start as young as 15 or so, and encourage her to start getting used to the routine b/f she leaves for college even if she is not having sex.

If she got pregnant, I would help her weigh all of her options while letting her know of my unwavering support for whatever she decides, and offer to possibly letting me raise the baby while she continues her childhood. I would pursue court ordered child support. The baby deserves the financial support even if it isn't needed, and hard feelings shouldn't get in the way of that.


----------



## fairejour (Apr 15, 2004)

Honestly, I would try to support her the best way I could, but I would make it clear that I believe that an adoption would be best in this situation. But since she would now be the decision maker, I would voice opinion once, and let her make the choice.


----------



## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *samy23* 
What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?

Whatever she wanted me to do??? except stay out of it. I couldn't get overmyself long enough to do that.


----------



## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smalls181* 
I would hug her and hold her close and tell her that she is supported 150% in this.

No name calling, no telling her I am disappointed, or angry, or any of that. Just tons of love and support.

This, and I'd also be supportive of her staying home and breastfeeding if she wanted to. I'd encourage her to further her education online ... and when she and Baby felt ready for some separations (for her to go to school or work), I'd care for the baby while she was gone.


----------



## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Oh, and I'd _secretly_ hope that she wanted to keep it and live at home....cuz I LUUUUUUUURRRRV babies.


----------



## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kappa* 
Hopefully we have an open enough relationship for her to tell me when she is interested in starting hormonal contraceptives.

Not to go OT -- but would you really encourage hormonal contraceptives? Even with the cancer-risk?


----------



## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
Oh, and I'd _secretly_ hope that she wanted to keep it and live at home....cuz I LUUUUUUUURRRRV babies.









me too. Her staying home with her baby for however long she wants to would definitely be an option for her and one I would gladly help with.


----------



## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smalls181* 
I would hug her and hold her close and tell her that she is supported 150% in this.

No name calling, no telling her I am disappointed, or angry, or any of that. Just tons of love and support.

this. i have a son but i would do the same with him and help him anyway i could.


----------



## Vancouver Mommy (Aug 15, 2007)

I would run for vice-president, track the boy down and make him marry her.

No, just kidding. I would support whatever decision she made and support her 100%.


----------



## stickywicket67 (Jan 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angie7* 
Considering I was pregnant at 16 with a physically abusive boyfriend's baby and a father that called me a whore...I would absolutely support her 100%, listen to her, NEVER call her any names. I would not force marriage and I would support any decision she made in regards to the baby. If she decided to keep it, I would help her as much as possible. If she decided to abort, I would be there to support her and if she decided adoption, I would be there for support. Basically, just support, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

*I lost the baby b/c my bf beat me and caused me to miscarry


----------



## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

I have no idea... I think I'd try my hardest to support her...but I'm not sure in what way...if that makes sense...she is 6, so it's really hard to imagine, and I was terrified of getting pregnant as a teen...refused to have sex AT ALL with any male till I was older...so yea... My mom got pregnant with me at 16...but she was already married, not that her marriage lasted long...she was divorced by 20...but yea...I'm also pretty sure she would of liked me to get pregnant that young...she started harassing dh and I before we were even dating to have kids at 19.


----------



## Isamama (May 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angie7* 
Considering I was pregnant at 16 with a physically abusive boyfriend's baby and a father that called me a whore...I would absolutely support her 100%, listen to her, NEVER call her any names. I would not force marriage and I would support any decision she made in regards to the baby. If she decided to keep it, I would help her as much as possible. If she decided to abort, I would be there to support her and if she decided adoption, I would be there for support. Basically, just support, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

*I lost the baby b/c my bf beat me and caused me to miscarry










Oh, my goodness!!




























Your story struck me so! I had to send you sincere hugs!

As for the OT: I am the product of a surprise (and unwanted in my case) pregnancy and was adopted in to a horrifically abusive household (I have learned not to call them my "family"). I plan to have open/frank/honest conversations about sex with my daughter very young (heck at 3 1/2 she already knows how babies are really conceived--an enquiring mind).

I am hoping that will prevent any surprise pregnancies, however, I know that it can still happen and hopefully our open dialogue all along will continue. I would absolutely not encourage adoption, for obvious reasons. In fact, if she chose that I would be so deeply hurt. That said, I would do whatever I could to help her continue her education and mother.

Would I be disappointed? Perhaps, b/c I know how hard it is to mother (especially in an AP way) and I know what a hardship it would be to be so young and manage so much. Would I love her and support her 100%. You bet! I still have to help her finish growing up. That is my job. I am _her_ mother.


----------



## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

I would support her 100%. I would encourage her to have and keep the baby (just being honest) but of course if she chose to terminate or adoption, as painful as it would be, I would support *her* 100% even if I couldn't support her decision 100%. There would be no namecalling, guilt tripping, etc. I would love her through anything. If she chose to keep and raise the baby (which I would encourage without pressuring) I would support her in any way I could. I would encourage her to finish her education (we are unschooling so I don't assume that would be an issue) -- and let her know I believe in her and her ability to be a wonderful, loving mother. I would be encouraging of breastfeeding/AP -- and just love her and help her through in any way possible.

There certainly would be no, "your life is over" and whatnot. I would hope that I would allow her to mother her child without stepping in to try to take over things. I would pray that I would be a loving presence, one that communicated to my daughter that it is always a joyous miracle when a child is born and that her life is not over, that it is just beginning... and that perhaps a couple of dreams may have to be put on hold for a bit but that she can still live those dreams.

I would *not* in any way pressure marriage or even browbeat a boyfriend to be involved. If someone wants to take responsibility for a life they created, they need to do that on their own imo, but of course, I would expect some financial assistance from the father for the caring of his own child if he were working.

I am praying that I would be all these things but I am only human. A shocked response may be expected but when I calmed down and breathed a bit, I would love her right through it and celebrate my grandchild. I wouldn't tell people about it in hushed tones like it was something to be ashamed of.

People make unwise choices, NO ONE is immune from that. However, sometimes those choices can turn out to surprise you and lead you to one of the best things that ever happened to you. I am hoping my daughter would see her child that way.


----------



## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vancouver Mommy* 
I would run for vice-president, track the boy down and make him marry her.

No, just kidding. I would support whatever decision she made and support her 100%.


----------



## Kappa (Oct 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
Not to go OT -- but would you really encourage hormonal contraceptives? Even with the cancer-risk?

Well, the pill, but not necessarily some of the other types such as Depo provera shot. I don't think condoms are enough "insurance" against pregnancy, but she would have to use those too to reduce the risk of STD transmission. I don't think contraceptives should be used extremely long term, but I don't think a few years in high school or college would cause any major risk exposure along with a generally healthy lifestyle, as long as she had some pregnancies and nursing years down the road. There are also cancers that have a decreased risk associated with pill usage. So yes, I would encourage it but I would tell her about alternatives as well. I would want to arm her with whatever she needed to prevent pregnancy, and the knowledge she needs to "control" her fertility throughout her adulthood. I wouldn't want her to be like most of us, not learning about her fertility signs and the true nature of her anatomy until, well, some of us never learn.


----------



## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smalls181* 
I would hug her and hold her close and tell her that she is supported 150% in this.

No name calling, no telling her I am disappointed, or angry, or any of that. Just tons of love and support.









:


----------



## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I'd ask her what she wanted to do -- if she wanted an abortion, I would help her with that in any way that she needed, and if she wanted to raise her baby, I would do the same. It's not my decision to make.


----------



## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

I wouldn't be THRILLED with the situation, but I would 100% support my daughter. She would be pulled out of school and homeschooled so that she could adequately care for the baby (ie breastfeed) and I would have fairly high expectations regarding her actually being a PARENT and not thinking she can run around with her teeny-bopper lifestyle. kwim? Might sound harsh, but I hope to have modeled proper care of children that my DD would of course follow suit.

Depending on our financial state she could live with us, rent free, until she graduated high school and/or college.


----------



## lilempressmommy (Nov 7, 2008)

My DD is only 7mo so 16 years down the line is a hard, hard thing to imagine.
I'd like to think that I'd support her no matter what the decision. I was almost a very young mom (18) and decided to go another route. My very Catholic family was surprisingly supportive though things were never quite the same ever again.


----------



## hanno (Oct 4, 2006)

(no daughter...yet)

Hug her, very tightly. And be her mama.


----------



## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angie7* 
*I lost the baby b/c my bf beat me and caused me to miscarry


----------



## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Having become a mom at 17, I know exactly what I would and would not say. I've thought about it for almost 10 years.

I would ask her to keep the baby, even if she felt like she could not care for the baby. I would rather adopt the baby as my own than have her either abort and give the baby up for adoption. If she wanted to raise the baby I would allow my daughter and her baby to live in my home as long as they needed, provided she was either in school or working. And I would secretly be absolutely thrilled to provide care for the baby while she did this. Babies are so wonderful, I can't wait for my own grandchildren.

And never once would I tell my daughter I was angry, disappointed or sad for/at her or call her names.

Coming from personal experience, it doesn't help a terrified pregnant 17 year old at all to be called a whore.


----------



## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hanno* 
(no daughter...yet)

Hug her, very tightly. And be her mama.

This. This answer sums it up best for me (including the no daughter part







).


----------



## CheapPearls (Aug 7, 2007)

I was a teen mom myself. My mom was hugely supportive... until I told her that we (my husband and I) were thinking about adoption. A few weeks later we decided against it but I was very surprised at her reaction. She was going to kick us out of her house and pretend that I was not pregnant, wouldn't go to the hospital for the birth, etc. I understand her reasonings but it still hurt immensely.

For my own (non existent) daughter, just be there, give advice and support her in whatever decision she makes. And go after the boyfriend for child support at the least, hopefully an active relationship with his child.


----------



## AmandaTN (Aug 2, 2007)

Also not a mama yet, but I can't imagine doing anything but supporting her in whatever decision she needed to make.


----------



## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I would continue to parent my daughter. And we would deal with each day in whatever way it needed to be dealt with.

i don't know what I would do if she got an abortion. I certainly wouldn't be able to support he in that decision. bad choices in men, bad choices in sex, babies - i can deal with that no poblem. knowing that my dd would want an abortion would kill me.


----------



## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

No daughter here at this stage, but I would support her in whatever way she wanted me to. She will always know that it is her body, her choice, and I will support whatever choice that may be (and keep my opinions on it to myself unless she asks to talk it through with me). Above all I hope she knows BEFORE it happens that no matter what she can come and talk to me and I will not be harsh and judgemental. When I got pregnant with my DS I was totally freaked to tell the majority of my family because I knew I would be judged harshly.

I thought of a spin off question to this, but I'll post it in a new thread


----------



## Missinnyc (Aug 21, 2003)

I would love her and talk to her about what she wanted to do.

Abortion would not be an option I could support in any way.

If she wanted an adoption, I would ask her not to, and to allow us to adopt her baby instead.

If she chose to parent, I would support her, but I think there would have to be a serious level of responsibility undertaken. For example, I would expect her to attend school and make good grades, and if she didn't I would expect her to work and contribute to the household. I am fine with her not working if education is a priority and it would be short term (hopefully until she was done with college) but I am not supporting her and her kid while she messes around. No partying, no drinking, no boys, etc. Time to be a mama and put your baby first, which means getting a degree, and a way to support yourself. Providing she was taking things seriously I'd have no problem helping with some childcare, letting her stay free (as long as she pitches in), etc. But if she is just treating me like free daycare, partying, making poor grades because she doesn't care, etc, she's out.

No matter what she did, there'd be no shame or judgment. I am sure I would be incredibly sad and hurt (we don't believe in PMS) and shocked, but I love her and I'm sure I'd love her baby.

I would encourage her to marry if and only if she felt like she and the boy were ready, but I would also encourage her to go to counselling and wait to make sure.


----------



## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MissinNYC* 
No matter what she did, there'd be no shame or judgment. I am sure I would be incredibly sad and hurt (we don't believe in PMS) and shocked, but I love her and I'm sure I'd love her baby.

I was a little puzzled until I figured out you meant pre-marital sex and not pre-menstrual syndrome.


----------



## *LoveBugMama* (Aug 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hanno* 
(no daughter..)

Hug her, very tightly. And be her mama.


This. I would definitively do this.


----------



## amynbebes (Aug 28, 2008)

I was 18 when I had my daughter. In all honestly I would be upset w/the situation because of spending her entire life telling her to waiiiiitttt to have kids but I would support her 110%.


----------



## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

Of course, we'd hold our daughters and love them and be their mother. But what does "support my child" LOOK like? I'm a little curious about what exactly some of you would do if this happened. (I say "some of you" because a few have been very specific)

I've seen two of my sisters and one SIL try to parent their children's children because the teen was unable or unwilling to take even the most basic of care. I've seen how some young adults are traumatized by abortion. I've seen some young adults move on with no regrets after abortions.

What I'm trying to say is, it's not so hypothetical to me. I've witnessed many teen pregnancy situations. And my response, beyond loving and hugging my daughters, would be different even among the two daughters I have. Because they are both very different people. I'm curious what Mothering moms would actually DO in this situation.


----------



## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

I would do whatever she needed me to do.

Whatever option she chose, I would be there.


----------



## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaraBoo* 
Of course, we'd hold our daughters and love them and be their mother. But what does "support my child" LOOK like? I'm a little curious about what exactly some of you would do if this happened. (I say "some of you" because a few have been very specific)

It would depend on my daughter's personality and maturity. However, if she wanted to abort, I would: go with her for any appointments, pay, take care of her if she was in any pain afterward, and encourage her to be proud of her choice and not hide it -- to embrace the choice she made as being the right one for her.

If she wanted to raise the baby, I would: allow her to live with me as long as she wanted/needed OR get her set up with her own home either on our property or nearby, encourage her to homeschool to finish any high school she had remaining, encourage her NOT to work (and therefore take on the expenses myself), babysit a reasonable amount so that she could get educational stuff done and also have some time to herself, and again, encourage her to be proud of her choice and not let people put her down for being a young mom.


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaraBoo* 
Of course, we'd hold our daughters and love them and be their mother. But what does "support my child" LOOK like? I'm a little curious about what exactly some of you would do if this happened. (I say "some of you" because a few have been very specific)

mine is 6 years old so i dont know what support would LOOK like.

support with the decision in my case might be v. minimal. right from in utero - my dd has shown a v. strong need for independence. and continues to be even now with equal intensity. i would have to respect that. for all i know she may not even want me involved. she might just tell me and then one day appear and say hey i decided to have an abortion or in passing say hey i got pregnant and decided to keep the baby. so it may not be a hug and rock and sweetness situation at all. she might be supremely confident and not really need anything from me.

i would be willing to babysit - as many hours a day she needed - physical health and earning capability allowing. in fact if she wanted she could even stay with me. i would be willing to share with her my wealth, home and any resources. i would have no problems with a 20 or even 24 year old living with me with her toddler/child. i would even be willing to move to be closer to her to help her out.

if she had a great career/vocation in front of her and she gave that up to be with the baby - i would have to maybe swallow my disappointment.

for me i would put myself out of the picture and be willing to meet her needs - whatever they may be.

in our situation i know i would HAVE to be there for my dd (well i would WANT to be there for her) since i know her dad would most probably freak out and get really mad. esp. if she was giving up something.


----------



## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

It would probably involve the words "wow, I guess that means you're an adult now" and a hug.
I cannot imagine the pain caused to anyone by seeing someone else raising their children, even if that is their parent. I can't imagine being told that I couldn't have had an abortion. I can't imagine being told I couldn't put my child up for adoption (it's more difficult to do over here anyhow. That was my initial plan with Alex, but life got in the way.)
Some things- nowadays, education is a whole of life thing. If she needs to take a year out to raise her newborn, well, then that's what she needs to do. I'm currently resuming the education that got interrupted at 21. That's OK. We do have specialist centres for the under 16s here, though, which are brilliant.
On a practical level, I would help her to find a support network, and a social network, outside the family. Doing it once will give her the confidence to do it again when she leaves home, goes to college, gets married, moves to Europe, whatever her heart desires.
I would take her to meet a good family lawyer to talk over her ex-boyfriends legal rights to the child, and the process of applying for child support. Right now, my sons' extended family are going through hell- their stepmum got pregnant young, raised her daughter on her own, never claimed CS from their dad. My ex got me pregnant young, married me, divorced later and I'm claiming CS from him- and that's causing huge problems for them financially. If she later falls in love with a man with children, the decision not to pursue the biological father could be the one thing that really messes up her life. This is huge, and really important, please.
I would find a way of nurturing myself and my own needs. When my daughter turns 16, I'm going to be close to 45, and right now I am saving for a trip around the world on my 50th birthday (all my kids know this, though I don't know if they realise they aren't invited). I don't honestly know if I would cancel that because my children/grandchildren needed me- as a younger mum, my years of fancy-free living are going to be happening in my grandma years. I would keep my own support network strong, keep people to talk to, and not allow myself to burn out the way I see so many mamas do- especially round here, with a high teen pregnancy rate, there are a lot of grandmas near my age who are dropping their grandchildren off at preschool with Skye. I don't see a benefit to putting myself and my needs out of the picture. I'm not prepared to commit myself for another 18 year stretch







: There comes a point where my wants are going to be important, you know? It doesn't mean that she's going to be left wanting, but that I refuse to be a sole source of support.
Oh, and financially? We have a pretty good government benefit system- for single SAHMs, it's not much more than subsistence but once you're working more than 16 hours a week it gets to a liveable income. Plus there's child benefit, and help with childcare, and she'd qualify for a council house. It's eminently doable.

eta: yes, most of this assumes she keeps the baby. I have no strong opinions, really. That's not my choice to make.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flapjack* 
It would probably involve the words *"wow, I guess that means you're an adult now"* and a hug.

Just want to point out, that line can be construed as an insult, implying you thought she was immature before.

Support her is what we would do. I can't really go into the details because it's impossible to say what sort of support she would need. But whatever kind of support she asks for, we'll provide it.


----------



## alicia622 (May 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Caneel* 

From the time I was 12 or so, my mom started hammering it into my head that a teen pregnacy would ruin my life.

My mom had my older sister at 17 in 1965. She was a 'disgrace' to the family and was actually kept 'prisoner' in the attic for months while pregnant. She and my father married and had me two years later. They divorced a couple years after that. Growing up there was a bit of an expectation that I too would be a teen parent although my mother constantly harped on me about not getting pregnant early and was quite pushy about birth control.

In response to the OP's question. I would be disappointed because getting pregnant so young is a hard road- for the child and the parent and I'd be sad about what my child was missing in her young adult years. But, I think I would do whatever I could to be supportive although I would expect if they decided to raise the baby they would be raising the baby and not counting on me for everything.


----------



## mamamelia (Apr 14, 2005)

i would support my daughter all the way through from an emotional perspective and a financial one as well. we as a family don't believe in abortion and i doubt the girls would have a different mentality. they might but it's very unlikely. we also believe in a very strong family unity - no one turns thier back on anyone for any reason. i have no problems with my child and her child living at home for however long... i have no problems babysitting for however long and i truely mean that. i bought these children into the world knowing that i would take care of them 100% and if that means that i need to take care of my grandchild from morning till night because my daughter will need to finish school or go to university/work, so be it. i don't get it when people say "you need to get your kids out of the house so they can grow up. when they are 18 they are out." and the whole "tough love" BS. no, what i need to do is support my kids in everything so that when the time is right, _they_ feel ready to fly away from here. that's what parents are meant to do.

my dad always had a saying "our door is always open, you know that" and that was the most beautiful thing i have ever heard come out of a parents mouth. more beautiful than "i love you" ever could be. i plan to do the same for my children.

for some reason i have always feared either dd getting pregnant in her teens and i so one night i thought i would relieve my anxiety and just think of what i would do. and i thought there is no way in h*ll i would ever turn my back on my child because they "shamed" the family or whatever. mistakes are always going to be made. i doubt she would see her actual child as a mistake, but the whole having a child in an unstable position would be the mistake part. but anyway, i say support 200% all the way for as long as it's needed.
dh would have a freak out initially (i just know it) and we both come from very strict catholic families but i'm not here to keep up with everyone else's ideals for what a perfect upbringing would look like and "keep my kids in line" so that everyone around me can say "oh what a great parent she has been", i'm here to raise my kids and support them in life even if i'm the one that's going to look stupid in the end.

Quote:

I would ask her to keep the baby, even if she felt like she could not care for the baby. I would rather adopt the baby as my own than have her either abort and give the baby up for adoption. If she wanted to raise the baby I would allow my daughter and her baby to live in my home as long as they needed, provided she was either in school or working. And I would secretly be absolutely thrilled to provide care for the baby while she did this. Babies are so wonderful, I can't wait for my own grandchildren.

And never once would I tell my daughter I was angry, disappointed or sad for/at her or call her names.
YEAH TO THAT!







DiD.


----------



## Sydnee (May 1, 2004)

It's interesting because my mother had my brother at 17 (in 1971), and her and my father married right away. I was born 4 years later. I honestly do not ever remember my mom or my dad talking about not getting pregnant so young. You would think she would have hammered that in my head, especially because it was not a good experience for her. Mom and dad lasted 23 years before getting divorced.


----------



## hopefulfaith (Mar 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vancouver Mommy* 
I would run for vice-president, track the boy down and make him marry her.









up

I just spit my coffee out.










Although for the record, I would also be loving and support whichever decision she makes.


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

She and the baby would be welcome to live here as long as they needed, for as many months or years as it took dd to get done her education and get on her feet. I would be happy to pay for any parenting or prenatal classes, take her shopping, buy her books, watch the baby so she could go to college or work. You name it. I would be as involved or uninvolved as she needed me to be.

If she chose adoption, I would support her through that and offer to pay for counseling if she needed it afterwards. For as much as I would love the child to stay with our family, if she decided she needed another family to raise it, I would support her decision.


----------



## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

Im surprised at how many people feel that a teen pregnancy means no college ever. First of all, she could always go back to school later, with support, which I'd give. Second, I remember a girl my age in junior college who brought her baby to finals.

I would accept and support any decison my dd made but I would not actively encourage abortion or adoption. I would help her in any way I could to keep her baby if she wants, or take it to raise myself if she doesnt. I was basically forced into an aborition at 16 and I will never heal those scars.

Not just my dd, if my neice or my best friends dd turned up pg. Or if ds or dn got a girl pregnant, if a boy in my family came to me and said his gf was pg and her parents were kicking her out, she'd come to live with me.

I agree education is important, but I see no reason for the girl not to stay home with baby as long as she wants or is possible and continue education later. Lots of sahm go back to school when kids are older. JMO


----------



## Hey Mama! (Dec 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
I would continue to parent my daughter. And we would deal with each day in whatever way it needed to be dealt with.

i don't know what I would do if she got an abortion. I certainly wouldn't be able to support he in that decision. bad choices in men, bad choices in sex, babies - i can deal with that no poblem. knowing that my dd would want an abortion would kill me.

I agree with lilyka. I have three daughters, so this is a very real possibility dh and I may have to face.


----------



## Erica09M (Jul 28, 2008)

My sister was this 16 year old. My parents were 100% supportive of her. My sister was aware of her options, and aware that it was 100% her choice and my parents would support her decisions. They told her they were proud of her for the decision she made, to keep the baby. There was no point in being negative about the situation, because it had already happened and you couldn't go back and change it. At that point, all my sister needed was love, support and guidance. It wasn't easy for her, but she finished high school (graduating early actually), went straight to college, and held down a job. I'm very proud of my sister, and I should tell her that more often.


----------



## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Just want to point out, that line can be construed as an insult, implying you thought she was immature before.


Nope. That's me recognising that motherhood is a huge rite of passage, and an unplanned pregnancy is also a huge rite of passage into adulthood, whether one chooses to become a mother or not. The day my daughter tells me that she is pregnant is the day that we both move into a different phase of our lives.


----------



## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

oops, double-posted.


----------



## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flapjack* 
Nope. That's me recognising that motherhood is a huge rite of passage, and an unplanned pregnancy is also a huge rite of passage into adulthood, whether one chooses to become a mother or not. The day my daughter tells me that she is pregnant is the day that we both move into a different phase of our lives.

This is how I "moved into adulthood." I had my ds1 when I was 16 and it turned out to be a positive experience and shockingly enough we're not only great parents but are financially stable, homeschooling, etc.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Ok that's how you feel... How would she feel if you told her "Wow, I guess your an adult now." Why not say "Wow, your moving into the adult world now."

I know that as a teen if my dad had said "I guess your an adult now." I would have been pretty offended. By being a teen she's becoming an adult. And if having a child is a rite of passage into adulthood, what does that say about women who can't or choose not to have children?

I'm really just trying to point out, that while you may not have a problem with the statement, your daughter might and that does need to be taken into consideration.


----------



## veganf (Dec 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
heck i would be gaining a grandbaby!!! woohoo!!!

since right now my 6 year old is tied at the hip i feel i would totally support her in any way she needed support. whatever that support was. thinking cap to decide to keep baby or else.

Pretty much what I would do to. Help her to make decisions that she'll be happiest with, and support her in her pregnancy and new role as mother if that's what she chooses.


----------



## BabyBearsMummy (Jan 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *samy23* 
What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?

I would support my daughter through whatever choices she decided were in her and her childs best interest what ever they might be. I would expect since she was mature enough to decide to have sex with support she would be mature enough to make the right decisions about the resulting pregnancy.


----------



## BabyBearsMummy (Jan 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sydnee* 
especially because it was not a good experience for her. Mom and dad lasted 23 years before getting divorced.









I would guess since they were married for 23 years that there marriage was much more then a marriage of convienance. Something kept them together for all those years. Even if it has now been forgotten.


----------



## heidirk (Oct 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hanno* 
(no daughter...yet)

Hug her, very tightly. And be her mama.


Yes this. this made me cry.


----------



## momma4fun (Jan 23, 2007)

YES!!! I would hug her tightly, be her mama, and I would do everything I could to support her as a stay at home mom for at least the first year after the birth of the child. I would also engourage her, when appropriate for her, to get out on her own with the baby into their own living situation. I would also be a ready and willing grandma babysitter whenever I could -- including weekend going out and "partying" and having normal young adult experiences, obviously not to excess.......

I'd like to think that with the sex ed and life experience she received from me, a former teen mom, that she would choose either abortion or mothering, both which I would support 100 percent.

As for the father, if he's a minor I would definitely be in contact with his parnets........if he's a good guy he will contribute. If he's not.....I would encourage her to move on, and claim abandonment for him rather than pursuing child support.


----------



## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I would support her, encourage her, listen to her, and help her in ANY way I possibly could, no matter what she decided to do. Personally I would hope that she would keep the baby and continue with school, but I wouldn't let on that I was disappointed if she made different choices.

I was a teen mom myself.


----------



## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

MD, and anyone else who's interested, I took a s/o thread here


----------



## vegmamadeb (Oct 30, 2008)

I would love my daughter regardless, and support her always. But I would sad. I would really hope she would be self sufficient before having a child, and with someone with someone who could also be responsible. I've watched my best friend struggle from 17 when she had her first, and I know she loves her children.. I've heard her say many times she wishes she would have waited. But children are a blessing at anytime, IMO. I would support her in whatever choice she made, any choice she makes.


----------



## MissRubyandKen (Nov 2, 2005)

I would definitely hug her and hold her tight and first and foremost listen to her when and if she needed me too. I would never _present_ abortion or adoption _to_ her as an option. I would be heartbroken if someone said those words to me when I told them I was pregnant, no matter the situation and I couldn't picture myself uttering them to another. At 16-17 my daughters will already know of these options and if they wanted to make the choice to do either I would support them no matter what my personal feelings as it wouldn't be my choice, but theirs. I would be there for them all the way no matter. Appointments, money, any need for counseling or outside help I would help to establish it. I would offer to adopt the child first if she was considering adoption. I would let them know that I would support them emotionally and financially throughout the pregnancy, birth, and motherhood as needed, just as I would do anyway no matter their age. I would help care for the child as much as my current situation permitted. I homeschool right now, but don't know what they will be doing for education at 16-17, possibly still homeschooling, possibly public, possibly taking some college courses already. Whatever the situation was I would find a way to support their education or support them if they decided to suspend it until later. I would help them get a GED if that was the decision.

As far as the father, I would hope that he would want to be involved with the child. I would either pursue child support or ask that the father give up his rights to the child. If he did not want to be part of the child's life or support the child he shouldn't have any rights.


----------

