# If you can't say anything nice...



## canadiannancy (Feb 23, 2005)

Please don't say anything at all. In the last two weeks I have had it. I am taking this, my first loss a little hard. I have three beautiful girls and I had a baby. With a heartbeat. Of unknown gender variety. And then I did not.
The appropriate response when you see an acquaintance in the hospital hemorrhaging badly with a miscarriage is not "Oh, its ok you have enough.", or for your pregnant neighbor to say"Well, you would have been very busy." or your longtime friend(17 years) to say "Well you needed to lose weight anyways before you got pregnant again."Oh and if your granddaughter says she had a loss please do not ask" Did the Doctor say it was because you were doing to much and carrying around the bigger babies." Or...the famous "It just wasn't meant to be," from a dozen people. And I am Christian, but If I hear one more time God wanted the baby with him and not with me I will scream. Oh and I know I have "lots of kids"...it doesn't matter, I also lost one. I also know"I could have more." (maybe you never know...) but I still lost this one.

I asked my doctor for a referral to Community Mental health, basically because I have a history of depression and I am bawling all the time and irritable and letting things bother me a lot and I want to stay on top of things, and he said there is a long wait list and isn't it normal to be upset.
And last night I was down the road and my Grandmas neighbor asked when I was having the next one. I didn't get a chance to say anything, My grandmother jumped in and said "Oh she lost one a couple of weeks ago." The lady didn't even know I had been pregnant. I don't even know her. I started to cry.

I was on the bus with DH yesterday, DD3 in the MAya tie, DD2 in the stroller feeling alright .Well the was a baby brigade on the bus. Our stroller, a large single, another large single and a mall stroller. The stroller beside us the Mom was completely ignoring her baby, talking on the phone, talking to others on the bus and totally turned away from the baby boy who was crying. I couldn't stand it, started playing Peek a boo with Zoe, and the baby was laughing and happily playing too. DH takes this minute to say "I really really want a boy". Ok. I would love a boy too..however....HELLO! Just had a miscarriage here and happy for a minute....not the time to bring it up!

Anyways.....don't expect anyone to respond but I am just having a rough week.


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## Phantaja (Oct 10, 2006)

I'm going to respond anyway.







I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I know how bad that it can be. Someone asked me today what was wrong and when I told him that I just got hit pretty hard with a wave of sadness over my baby. He choses that moment to whip out his camera with a pic of his newborn that was born this morning. I could've hit him.


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## celtic_angel (Jul 27, 2005)

I feel your pain mama...
I also have 4 children already, and so I have gotten a lot of people telling me that I have "enough" kids and shouldn't be sad about the one we lost.
and I swore if one more person said "everything happens for a reason" I was going to start throwing things...


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## heatherh (Jun 25, 2005)

People can be so horrible when they just don't know what to say. It feels like they don't even care. It's good that you're keeping on top of things and arranging care - insist if you have to.


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss.








for your lo

People who mean to be kind can be so cruel sometimes.







I'm sorry you were so hurt. I hope the people around you get a clue or two.


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

oh, mama, i am SO sorry for what you're going through. it just plain sucks. nothing that i can say is going to change that at all, but i just want you to know that we hear you and are sending you love.


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## canadiannancy (Feb 23, 2005)

Thanks for the hugs and support. I am glad I 'found' this part of MDC for info and support and other women who have gone through similar losses.


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## MommyinMN (Oct 18, 2007)

I am so sorry you are going through this.







I have been going through a lot of the same feelings. If one more person tells me to "just be thankful for the two healthy children you have" or "it was probably for the best, things have a way of working out" I will scream too.

Anyway







mama


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

People say the crappiest things sometimes.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I have heard most of the horrible comments you have listed. Even though most people mean well, it really hurts. We have 3 children and my IL's never once mentioned our deceased baby or offered condolences. They only said that we'd be "busy enough" with three.


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

That just really really stinks. I just want to say that I am very very sorry that you lost your sweet baby. You deserve nothing but support and love right now.


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## lunamay (Jan 19, 2005)

I have gotten many of the same comments, and I agree they are hurtful. The one that bothers me the most is "So when are you guys going to try again?" And I feel like, hello, I just miscarried a few days ago, I was 15 weeks, this one was IMPORTANT to me! It feels like other people act like we should just move right on. I am sorry for the comments you got!

(have not updated my signature...)


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

Nancy, I am so sorry about the loss of your darling. I agree that people should just say, I am sorry. and leave it at that. I hate when they feel the need to throw in the "it was Gods plan.." or the great.. "well, you are young enough to have another.." UGH. I feel for ya mama!!


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)




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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

First of all, I"m very sorry about your loss. Secondly, I'm sorry people are being so rude and cruel to you. Tragedies make people say some dumb arse stuff. I think if they don't know what to say, they should just be quiet.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

*


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## hojobj (Oct 28, 2005)

Lots of hugs to you Mama!

People can say the meanest things while trying to "help" you deal with loss. Not like you aren't dealing with so many emotions right now and need more right?

Your DH is grieving too and his comment could have been meant to help him through the loss too.

You will have rough weeks and then good ones. The best advice I got from a friend was to just breathe for a few minutes. It gets me through the rough days.

More hugs to you!


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## ap mom (Dec 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boysmom2* 







That just really really stinks. I just want to say that I am very very sorry that you lost your sweet baby. You deserve nothing but support and love right now.

Sorry to just quote, but she captured so perfectly what I wanted to say.


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## lovbeingamommy (Jun 17, 2007)

I am so sorry for what you are having to endure lately. I think some people just don't understand the magnitude of pain that occurs from a m/c whether it's 2wks or 20wks it still hurts. I had the same sort of comments specifically from one family member when I had my m/c in Apr.

Just know that we are here anytime you want to vent or share the good or bad...we'll listen


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

People don't understand unless they have been through it...and even then they may handle it differently.

you are totally entitled to feel angry and hurt and sad and feel free to talk about those feelings here. Because we DO understand and are here to listen and help each other get through these tough times.

*hugs*


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## tsume (Jun 4, 2005)

I am sorry for your loss. peace to you and your husband.


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## yogabear (Mar 8, 2007)

Just wanted to send a hug. I don't understand why people are so selfish, insensitive, rude and crude.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

My personal favorite is "at least your still young!" said all cheery-like. Yeah, because miscarrying (and having a stillborn) at 20 is SOOO much easier than it is at 40.









I'm very sorry others were so insensitive.


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