# Oh My G*D! 16yo boy asks my 3.5yo ds to - UPDATE in post 129



## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

stick his tongue in the 16yo mouth.







I'm physically ill about this.

My ds has been going to the same home daycare provider for about 1.5 years. L has a 16yo boy and a 9yo boy. Well, about 6mos ago, ds1 (3.5yo) came to dh and told him that 16yo gave ds1 "puppy dog kisses". (After asking ds1 more about this he demostrated WHAT a puppy dog kiss was - licking on the face). So, I asked L about it and she talked to 16yo and he said that he showed ds1 their puppy and explained to ds1 that dog give "puppy dog kisses", but that he did NOT demonstrate it to ds1.

Well, on Wednesday night, ds1 and I were sitting together being silly about how stinky ds's breathe was (he had garlic containing food for dinner







) and all of the sudden he said "16yo told me I had to stick my tongue in his mouth if I wanted to go downstairs to play." (L has a finished basement for the bigger kids to go down and play when her assistant is on-duty or her 16yo apparently.) I then asked ds1, "oh, did 16yo show you how to do that." he answered "yes" and then demonstrated for me.









Then ds1 said "are you mad?" to which I answered, no baby, I'm not. Then, ds1 asked if it was bad. I explained that 16yo is a "big boy" and HE should know not to do that to little boys. I then went on to tell ds1 that he shouldn't let 16yo do that anymore and say "NO, I'll tell (per the Protecting the Gift book" and go find L or her assistant.

Well, after ds went to bed on Wednesday night, dh and I decided that we will not allow our boys to go back there again. Period.

So, HOW CAN I BROACH THIS SUBJECT WITH HER? Obviously this is the 2nd incident, so I don't feel like my ds1 is making this up. I really don't. Now, I understand that L might not believe my ds, but I want to approach this in a gentle, non-judemental way. L is a FANTASTIC caregiver and her ds quite possibly is ruining her livelihood. (she is a single mom.) So, how would you talk with her?

ETA - I will be contacting the authorities, but I need to know HOW to approach L in the meantime.
-----------------------------------------
So I talked with L again on Saturday and she recalled a conversation in which she was explaining to ds1 and another daycare kid about "we cannot kiss babies on their mouths because our mouths and tongues have germs". After L was done talking with them, 16yo was near ds1 and the other child and ds1 asked more about our mouths/tongues having germs.

So, part of me thinks this was innocent on both parts. But, we're erring on the side of caution and the boys aren't going back.

But, the 16yo also offered to take a lie detector test.







:

So, I really don't know what the whole story is, BUT after careful consideration, I'm not willing to make a report about this under these circumstances. This boy attends the school dh works for and he actually told L that maybe he should switch schools.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

As bad as I would feel for the dcp, I would feel obligated to report this to the authorities. DCP might not take your story seriously, and there are other children in her care that need to be protected.


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## snowbunny (May 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnysideup* 
*As bad as I would feel for the dcp, I would feel obligated to report this to the authorities*. DCP might not take your story seriously, and there are other children in her care that need to be protected.









ITA.

This is really serious, and makes me sick to my stomach. Even if your boys don't go back there and never see 16yo again, that's not going to stop 16yo from finding another victim.

You HAVE to contact the authorities, you are morally obligated to do so.


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

exactly, it needs to be reported there will be other children.


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## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

There are young children who need to be protected so I think that gentle needs to go out the window. I would tell her your dc are not going back and I would tell her why. Then I would contact the police and explain what your ds told you. Chances are there are other kids being abused and it needs to stop. Plus there's a 16 y.o. who needs to be stopped before this escalates. There are a million reasons why the 16 y.o. may have behaved in this manner, which while it does not excuse him, also needs to be addressed ASAP. It's not easy to do, but needs to be done.


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## momof421 (Sep 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyM26* 
There are young children who need to be protected so I think that gentle needs to go out the window. I would tell her your dc are not going back and I would tell her why. Then I would contact the police and explain what your ds told you. Chances are there are other kids being abused and it needs to stop. Plus there's a 16 y.o. who needs to be stopped before this escalates. There are a million reasons why the 16 y.o. may have behaved in this manner, which while it does not excuse him, also needs to be addressed ASAP. It's not easy to do, but needs to be done.

ITA


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

report it as some one who has been the little child report it if it was nothing then that is ok but if it is something then it is beter to have them know about it beter to be safe then sorry in this case


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## wifty (Aug 16, 2006)

I am sorry for the caregiver, but I agree with everyone else in that this needs to be reported. There are other children at risk.

The 16 year old did this to your son, but already knows that your son tends to tell you about his day and happenings (ie - puppy kiss)....so likely the 16 year old would be more careful wiht your son then he might be with a child that seems less likely to tell. Just a thought.

We are mothers to our children, but also have a responsibility to mother all children and help them when needed.

Good luck! I don't envy you your position. Let us know how it goes.


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## JElaineB (Nov 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
ETA - I will be contacting the authorities, but I need to know HOW to approach L in the meantime.

I don't think you should tell her anything in the meantime. I think you need to contact the authorities first. It is not your job to worry about her livelyhood at this point. You need to protect your own young children (which you are doing) and other people's young children.


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## Emmeline II (Feb 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JElaineB* 
I don't think you should tell her anything in the meantime. I think you need to contact the authorities first. It is not your job to worry about her livelyhood at this point. You need to protect your own young children (which you are doing) and other people's young children.









:

It would be best that they have no advanced warning. It seems to me your ds was being groomed for sexual abuse and it would be a good idea to have some research about this type of "grooming" in your pocket in case the police give you a blank look when you try to report it.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *i'mmykid'$mom* 







:

It would be best that they have no advanced warning. It seems to me your ds was being groomed for sexual abuse and it would be a good idea to have some research about this type of "grooming" in your pocket in case the police give you a blank look when you try to report it.


Yes, I agree with you. I believe ds was being groomed







I reread some important parts of "Protecting the Gift" and it sickened me.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

peilover, what's the history going on with the 16 year old?

Do you know if he has been abused?


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Okay, so I did talk to L (sorry, didn't get your responses in time). She tells me that 16yo hasn't been left alone with the daycare kids EVER and that she's talked with both her boys about inappropriate language/touch so they are familiar with it. She said that 16yo is around the kids, but NEVER alone.

She also told me that she has heard "horror" stories about situations like this and has done her best to protect her kids by not allowing them any alone time with the children.

She asked if ds1 could have possibly misconstrued a conversation? Then she asked if dh and I would meet with her and 16yo. I agreed.

Honestly, it doesn't matter what she says. Our boys aren't going back. Do you really think I should still contact authorities given this information? Ideally, I should. But, in my situation - what would you do? Sure, I have to protect all children. I'm not denying that. Not at all. But, I did ask if she's ever had a complaint similar to this and she said never (although there is a 5yo girl who played dr with another child and had a complaint about that). This is a SMALL town and if I file a report - her business is gone. PERIOD. Regardless of guilt or innocence.


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## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)

I would absolutely report it. There are plenty of serial abusers who are never found out until someone makes a report 5,6, or 7 kids down the road. Ask yourself if you could live with it if you didn't report it and he escalates and rapes a child 2 or 3 years down the road?


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmommy* 









peilover, what's the history going on with the 16 year old?

Do you know if he has been abused?


His mother died at a young age and when his father married L, L adopted him. Well, a few years ago, 16yo's dad came out of the closet and divorced L. 16yo dad then moved in with his partner over an hour away.

I have no idea if he's ever been abused, but I suspect if he has, it's unknown.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

I understand you're in a terrible position. But you did say you had no reason to doubt your son.

When the "puppy dog kisses" episode happened, it looks like you're saying what happened was she talked to her 16 yo, who 'explained' what the interchange had been. From that, I assume she wasn't there when the "puppy dog kisses" thing went down. But now she's saying he's never been alone with a child. That seems odd.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Okay, so I did talk to L (sorry, didn't get your responses in time). She tells me that 16yo hasn't been left alone with the daycare kids EVER and that she's talked with both her boys about inappropriate language/touch so they are familiar with it. She said that 16yo is around the kids, but NEVER alone.

She also told me that she has heard "horror" stories about situations like this and has done her best to protect her kids by not allowing them any alone time with the children.

She asked if ds1 could have possibly misconstrued a conversation? Then she asked if dh and I would meet with her and 16yo. I agreed.

Honestly, it doesn't matter what she says. Our boys aren't going back. Do you really think I should still contact authorities given this information? Ideally, I should. But, in my situation - what would you do? Sure, I have to protect all children. I'm not denying that. Not at all. But, I did ask if she's ever had a complaint similar to this and she said never (although there is a 5yo girl who played dr with another child and had a complaint about that). This is a SMALL town and if I file a report - her business is gone. PERIOD. Regardless of guilt or innocence.


That's such a tough call. And I don't have any advice for you except to listen to your instincts. I mean, this could be a REALLY bad situation. But it could also be something misunderstood. My daughter is 2 and recently made a comment about me hitting her to dh. He raised an eyebrow (obviously) and we asked her more about it. I mean, this child has *never* been hit. To my knowledge, she's never seen anyone get hit, spanked, etc. But she came up with it and seemed to have a pretty clear idea of something having happened between us. The best we can figure is she heard me and some other AP mamas at playgroup talking about spanking and GD and processed it in her own way. At this age, it's so hard to tell where the line is between their imaginations and the true lay of the land. I think the best you can do is listen to your instincts and your knowledge of this care provider. If she's really never allowed her son to be alone with the kids, it's hard to imagine things playing out exactly as described. But if you get the sense she's not quite on top of things, then there may be a real worry there.


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## wanderlost (Dec 27, 2005)

Though I would feel badly for this WAHM, I still think you need to report this for the kids' sakes....and, if her boy needs help, this will (hopefully) get him some. Of course I agree that no matter what, you're children should not go back there.


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## wanderlost (Dec 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
His mother died at a young age and when his father married L, L adopted him. Well, a few years ago, 16yo's dad came out of the closet and divorced L. 16yo dad then moved in with his partner over an hour away.

I have no idea if he's ever been abused, but I suspect if he has, it's unknown.

Perhaps 16 yo is having some identity issues, if dad is gay...experimenting in some way with a small boy might be his way of figuring out who _he_ is...not an excuse for his behavior and completely my own analysis, but just a thought.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2* 
I understand you're in a terrible position. But you did say you had no reason to doubt your son.

When the "puppy dog kisses" episode happened, it looks like you're saying what happened was she talked to her 16 yo, who 'explained' what the interchange had been. From that, I assume she wasn't there when the "puppy dog kisses" thing went down. But now she's saying he's never been alone with a child. That seems odd.

Well, that's true and she even made the exception for that time (saying, well, besides that time, I honestly cannot recall a time...") She went on to explain that ds1 was crying to see the puppy (kept outdoors). And, that she allowed 16yo to take ds1 into the kitchen to the backdoor to see the puppy. She definitely does not have an open layout home, so there is no way she could have seen the exchange.

Perhaps given that situation, she has been more vigilant about protecting her own children as well.

I'm sorry just thinking this through...


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Do NOT report this to the police. Report it to the agency that licenses her. They will be out there to her house within a day or two....the police may think it doesn't sound serious and not report it to licensing.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:

When the "puppy dog kisses" episode happened, it looks like you're saying what happened was she talked to her 16 yo, who 'explained' what the interchange had been. From that, I assume she wasn't there when the "puppy dog kisses" thing went down. But now she's saying he's never been alone with a child. That seems odd.
I agree. If the 16yo has never been left alone with them then how would she have not seen that.

I would report it.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
Do NOT report this to the police. Report it to the agency that licenses her. They will be out there to her house within a day or two....the police may think it doesn't sound serious and not report it to licensing.

Why not report to both?

Also, I agree with the "no advance warning" posters. It's your job to protect kids, not to spare the feelings of the other mama. Of course she will be upset, even devastated. Any moral person would be.


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## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammastar2* 
I understand you're in a terrible position. But you did say you had no reason to doubt your son.

When the "puppy dog kisses" episode happened, it looks like you're saying what happened was she talked to her 16 yo, who 'explained' what the interchange had been. From that, I assume she wasn't there when the "puppy dog kisses" thing went down. But now she's saying he's never been alone with a child. That seems odd.

I agree that seems odd. As a former victim of abuse, it can be hard for other people involoved to admit that somebody, be they son, daughter, husband or wife, could be abusing children. Especially if she's running a daycare. I can understand that you don't want to destroy her business but I wish somebody had done the same for me. Protecting the children needs to be front and foremost here.

Meeting with her 16 y.o. is putting your ds in a horrible position if he has been abused in any way. I would never have said anything - I would have been to afraid, especially with my abuser there.

While ultimately it's your decision to make, I don't think I would be comfortable letting it go. You know your ds... is there anyway that he could have come up with this behavior someplace else? watching a movie or tv show? watching you and your dh?


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## Dreaming (Feb 8, 2004)

I'll play devil's advocate for a minute.
Let's say that you believe her and that the children are never left alone with the 16 year old.
Why wouldn't you send your children back there?
You say she's a good care provider.
She says she won't allow the 16 year old to be alone with the other kids.
Besides, it's clearly a "misunderstanding" and nothing really happened anyway.










HUGE red flags here.
I don't doubt your child is telling the truth.
I don't doubt that the DCP is protecting her business and her son.
I don't doubt that if you do nothing then worse will happen to other children.


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## townmouse (May 3, 2004)

I'm so sorry









She has let you know that it has not been a priority for her to never leave the kids with the 16 year old. Off the cuff, she thinks she is always watching them, but didn't worry or intervene when 16yo takes child out of sight to visit the puppy, and you know she wasn't there for the incident with your child.

I see you've read Protecting the Gift...she's given you all the info you need to not believe the blanket statement about the kids never being alone with the 16yo.

She's told you, not in so many words, how it is. She may even believe she doesn't let them out of her sight, but she does do it. And she's taught them how to cover tracks if they are ever accused by daycare kids (I'm not saying she knew one thing about what happened, just that she's had the conversation with her kids that they may be accused. A 16yo predator would very easily be able to do what he did in a way that he could get away with it. _"Mom warned me about people like you. But I'm never, EVER alone with the kids so he must have misunderstood something."_

The DCP considering a cya lifestyle for her own children, and "mostly" watching that they aren't alone with the kids, would be fine be except that the boy is dangerous and her first response is to wonder if your child misunderstood.

You know your son. You know your gut. You know that this very sweet lady who is a great dcp, is making light of this and sweeping it under the rug. *"When people tell you who they are, believe them."*
(I don't know if this post helps, just thought an outside perspective from another deBecker fan might help)


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## townmouse (May 3, 2004)

cross-posted with Dreaming, who said it shorter and clearer.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyM26* 
Meeting with her 16 y.o. is putting your ds in a horrible position if he has been abused in any way. I would never have said anything - I would have been to afraid, especially with my abuser there.

I wouldn't meet with them. Wouldn't want to put my child in that position, and it wouldn't change the fact that I would go back there.


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## AidansMommy1012 (Jan 9, 2006)

You have to report this. It s*cks, s*cks, s*cks all the way around, but it HAS to be done. No meetings, just do it. Even aside from the prospect of this happening to another child, it could really kill the trust your child puts in you if he reported a hurt--*EVEN A PERCEIVED HURT*--and you did nothing. If anything ever happened to him again, God forbid, he might not tell you this time if he thinks he'll be doubted. It's a horrible situation for your dcp, but it isn't your job to protect her. Your duty, as a mother, is to protect your child.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyM26* 
Meeting with her 16 y.o. is putting your ds in a horrible position if he has been abused in any way. I would never have said anything - I would have been to afraid, especially with my abuser there.


Only dh and I will be there for the conversation. Definitely NOT ds. I want to protect him. If anything, even if 16yo denies this, HE"LL KNOW THAT WE KNOW.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Only dh and I will be there for the conversation. Definitely NOT ds. I want to protect him. If anything, even if 16yo denies this, *HE"LL KNOW THAT WE KNOW*.


I just read this thread and I agree with almost all the PP. You need to report this. Your statement above (my bold)-how does that help? So he knows you know, so what? You are walking away from the situation anyway since you said you will no longer use his moms services. He know _that_ and that means you are no longer his problem, especially if the meeting further your decision not to report. And if she does talks you into staying he _knows_ he is in the clear, his secret is safe.

Do what is right for your son and the other children- report the situation.


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

I wouldn't have a meeting with the woman and 16 yo. Because what's the point? 16yo feels embarassed, cornered, etc., L gets angry/embarrassed, it will just highten the anxiety for everyone. What do you plan on saying to a 16yo CHILD while you have him backed into a corner during this meeting? What kind of conversation can you have, and for what purpose? I can't imagine anything good would come of it. Just report it to child protection or the police.

And you say you are worried about L's livelihood in the event of innocence. If 16yo is innocent, then your DS1 is a liar. Do you think your son is a liar? Is that the purpose of this agreed-to meeting? To have a "trial" right there in the woman's house, so you can all decide if your DS1 is a liar? You already know in your gut what really happened, believe in your son and stay away from this preditor.


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## JElaineB (Nov 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Only dh and I will be there for the conversation. Definitely NOT ds. I want to protect him. If anything, even if 16yo denies this, HE"LL KNOW THAT WE KNOW.

So what if he knows that you know? It will just teach him to be more careful next time, to pick a kid who is less likely to tell his parents. Please do not meet with the 16 y.o. Nothing good will come of it. PLEASE report him to the authorities ASAP.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HollyBearsMom* 
I just read this thread and I agree with almost all the PP. You need to report this. Your statement above (my bold)-how does that help? So he knows you know, so what? You are walking away from the situation anyway since you said you will no longer use his moms services. He know _that_ and that means you are no longer his problem, especially if the meeting further your decision not to report. And if she does talks you into staying he _knows_ he is in the clear, his secret is safe.

Do what is right for your son and the other children- report the situation.

I guess my thought is that he'll know his secret is out. And, if another family reports it to her, she'll know for certain it wasn't MY son who miscontrued anything.

I also just talked with a close friend who does home daycare and she agreed that it should be reported. So, I'm off to report...


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *townmouse* 
You know your son. You know your gut. You know that this very sweet lady who is a great dcp, is making light of this and sweeping it under the rug. *"When people tell you who they are, believe them."*
(I don't know if this post helps, just thought an outside perspective from another deBecker fan might help)


Thank you for that. And, here's another that's stuck with me since I reread portions last night: *Be slow to make decisions about who you include in your child's life and fast with decisions about who to exclude.* (definitely NOT word for word, but the gist of it anyway.)


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
I guess my thought is that he'll know his secret is out. And, if another family reports it to her, she'll know for certain it wasn't MY son who miscontrued anything.

I also just talked with a close friend who does home daycare and she agreed that it should be reported. So, I'm off to report...










I am glad your reporting. I know it is hard but it the right thing to do. Think how the "other family" would feel to learn their child was not the first to be abused and the original family (you) did nothing. Lets us know how it goes.


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## Guava~Lush (Aug 9, 2003)

im sorry, i just had to say how sickened i am this happened to your ds.

I agree with other posters as well.

I wouldnt personally feel comfortable meeting the the 16 year old, even with dh. He could be concocting any story. It wouldnt change anything. You trust your son. You wont send him back there.

I feel for that mama too. She got delt a sad situation.


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## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)

I know this is a very hard for you, but I really believe it is the right decision. You should be aware that the police will probably advise you not to have any further contact with the woman's son, so the meeting will be a moot point anyway.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
I wouldn't have a meeting with the woman and 16 yo. Because what's the point? 16yo feels embarassed, cornered, etc., L gets angry/embarrassed, it will just highten the anxiety for everyone. What do you plan on saying to a 16yo CHILD while you have him backed into a corner during this meeting? What kind of conversation can you have, and for what purpose? I can't imagine anything good would come of it. Just report it to child protection or the police.

And you say you are worried about L's livelihood in the event of innocence. If 16yo is innocent, then your DS1 is a liar. Do you think your son is a liar? Is that the purpose of this agreed-to meeting? To have a "trial" right there in the woman's house, so you can all decide if your DS1 is a liar? You already know in your gut what really happened, believe in your son and stay away from this preditor.


Wow! This hit my heart, and you're right. I believe my son PERIOD. I'll call to cancel the meeting today. thank you for writing this. This boy is obviously troubled and it's not right for me to back him into a corner and get into an argument about it, that's not productive or helpful at all.


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## Lovenest (Apr 12, 2006)

Get your kid out of there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The little boy I watch was molested at his daycare that he was in for 4 years.
It can happen!


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ledzepplon* 
Why not report to both?

Also, I agree with the "no advance warning" posters. It's your job to protect kids, not to spare the feelings of the other mama. Of course she will be upset, even devastated. Any moral person would be.

If the police show up first she'll know licensing is coming and be ready.


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## faerierose (Jul 9, 2006)

I couldn't read this and not comment. I'm going to share something I don't normally talk about. I have 3 kids with my xhusband, In may of 2005 when my dc#3 was just a few months old I was contacted by the police, turned out my husband had abused several children in his step mother's home-daycare when he was around 16. Nobody reported it until then, the worst part was that his sm KNEW, she had caught him, his dad knew as well. They chose to protect him, their family and there business. It took 10 years for all it to come out and now he is in prison where he belongs. If you don't file a report the same thing could happen here, not only does it endanger the kids this woman cares for it endangers any kids this boy might have in the future. I have learned to never underestimate the things people will do to protect their kids both good and bad. Please tell someone for the sake of everyone involved,


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## sleepnrain (May 20, 2006)

I think you're doing the right thing by reporting this. It sucks all around, but ultimately you have to protect your children and do what you can to not allow this to happen again. Unfortunately, the DCP probably knows on some level what her son is up to and is trying to cover for him. Good luck, and keep us updated!


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## wombat (Nov 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *faerierose* 
I couldn't read this and not comment. I'm going to share something I don't normally talk about. I have 3 kids with my xhusband, In may of 2005 when my dc#3 was just a few months old I was contacted by the police, turned out my husband had abused several children in his step mother's home-daycare when he was around 16. Nobody reported it until then, the worst part was that his sm KNEW, she had caught him, his dad knew as well. They chose to protect him, their family and there business. It took 10 years for all it to come out and now he is in prison where he belongs. If you don't file a report the same thing could happen here, not only does it endanger the kids this woman cares for it endangers any kids this boy might have in the future. I have learned to never underestimate the things people will do to protect their kids both good and bad. Please tell someone for the sake of everyone involved,









Families like that do their kids no favors by protecting them.

I knew a family also where the mother walked in on her teenage son sexually abusing a 3 yo male cousin. The family beat the shit out of him and told him never to do it again. Fast forward 10 years, as a CPS worker I was investigating him for sexually abusing his own 4 yo daughter. His family was still protecting him, they hid the fact about the previous abuse, basically excluded the victim's family and pretended it didn't happen. The victims parents came forward offering to foster the 4 yo, and they didn't even report the previous abuse







: It only came out when the 3 yo victim (now a teenager) remembered it, told his parents (who knew already) and wanted to report it.

And the abuser's mom, even though it was now her granddaughter being abused, she still protected her son. She actually moved in with him and her granddaughter. At some level she knew, but she just couldn't admit it. Awful thing was she allowed him to continue to abuse other kids. And he got better at it, much more sneaky.

To to OP - you did the right thing by reporting it. I'd feel bad too about the dcp losing her work but that's not your fault.


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## snowbunny (May 25, 2005)

***Deleted***

What I wanted to say has been said by other posters, and much more eloquentyl.


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## soygurl (Jan 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
I wouldn't have a meeting with the woman and 16 yo. Because what's the point? 16yo feels embarassed, cornered, etc., L gets angry/embarrassed, it will just highten the anxiety for everyone. What do you plan on saying to a 16yo CHILD while you have him backed into a corner during this meeting? What kind of conversation can you have, and for what purpose? I can't imagine anything good would come of it. Just report it to child protection or the police.

And you say you are worried about L's livelihood in the event of innocence. *If 16yo is innocent, then your DS1 is a liar. Do you think your son is a liar?* Is that the purpose of this agreed-to meeting? To have a "trial" right there in the woman's house, so you can all decide if your DS1 is a liar? You already know in your gut what really happened, believe in your son and stay away from this preditor.

I really don't understand this line of thinking (re: bolded part). Is EVERYONE here forgetting that part of the development of three year olds (and surrounding ages) is "pretend" and "make believe" and learning to separate fact from fiction?!? How is that the same as _lying_??? I'm not saying that the incident did or did not occur. I have no idea. I'm just suggesting that there _might_ be another explanation, or that we (collective 'we') should try to refrain from jumping to conclusions, or labeling it as a "someone is lying, and it's either the 16yo, or the 3.5yo!" situation.
The whole thing sends up red flags for me too. Follow your gut. But try to keep some age appropriate perspective.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
If the police show up first she'll know licensing is coming and be ready.

Ahhh, I see.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

soygurl, I understand what you are saying and that's partly why I've decided not to file a report. Even though my ds1 has never made up a story like that, I can't help but to think that perhaps his recollection is partly true and partly pretend.


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## oyemicanto (Feb 11, 2005)

:


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## kyndmamaof4 (Jul 25, 2006)

Unbeleiveable. You're not gonna report this? I don't care, how you feel about this woman, or her lively hood, what about the other potential victims? Do you think it's all gonna end here? I bet not. If other childern continue to go to this DCP and they aer molested then you should feel just as guilty as the DCP. I have not read the other posts, as you had an update in the OP. Please re-evaluate the situation. Do what's best for all of the childern, not just your own. I don't think I have ever made such a serious post here on MDC before, but this time I feel like it is extremly warrented.







:


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## mom2olivia (Apr 4, 2006)

Have you spoken to other parents of children at the daycare? Perhaps you can find a way to discuss this with a couple of them and see if their children have anything simlar to say? Personally I don't think a child could "imagine" a french kiss. JMTC


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## kyndmamaof4 (Jul 25, 2006)

For the record, I would *always* beleive my child, no matter what in a situation like this, I couldn't imagine even a possibility of this kid ever having contact with another child.








:


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kyndmamaof4* 
Unbeleiveable. You're not gonna report this? I don't care, how you feel about this woman, or her lively hood, what about the other potential victims? Do you think it's all gonna end here? I bet not. If other childern continue to go to this DCP and they aer molested then you should feel just as guilty as the DCP. I have not read the other posts, as you had an update in the OP. Please re-evaluate the situation. Do what's best for all of the childern, not just your own. I don't think I have ever made such a serious post here on MDC before, but this time I feel like it is extremly warrented.







:









:


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Nevermind


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## kyndmamaof4 (Jul 25, 2006)

Ya know what, this kind of stuff this kid is doing is *feeling your child out*, to see how far he can go, and if your child well tell.







:

It is classic predator/pedophile behavior.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kyndmamaof4* 
Ya know what, this kind of stuff this kid is doing is *feeling your child out*, to see how far he can go, and if your child well tell.







:

It is classic predator/pedophile behavior.

mama, I've read Protecting the Gift. I know what you are saying. Believe me, I'm not being a "denier" here. Having said that, I just am not willing to report this when the CHILD is willing to take a lie detector test. In fact, he asked L if he could and she told him that she didn't think it had "gone that far yet." Perhaps he's only offering with the hope that we'll refuse.







:


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## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)




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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *soygurl* 
I really don't understand this line of thinking (re: bolded part). Is EVERYONE here forgetting that part of the development of three year olds (and surrounding ages) is "pretend" and "make believe" and learning to separate fact from fiction?!? How is that the same as _lying_??? I'm not saying that the incident did or did not occur. I have no idea. I'm just suggesting that there _might_ be another explanation, or that we (collective 'we') should try to refrain from jumping to conclusions, or labeling it as a "someone is lying, and it's either the 16yo, or the 3.5yo!" situation.
The whole thing sends up red flags for me too. Follow your gut. But try to keep some age appropriate perspective.

You'd make a good defense attorney.







:


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## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)

Or maybe he knows that lie detector tests are not admissible as evidence in court...


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Quote:

So I talked with L again on Saturday and she recalled a conversation in which she was explaining to ds1 and another daycare kid about "we cannot kiss babies on their mouths because our mouths and tongues have germs". After L was done talking with them, 16yo was near ds1 and the other child and ds1 asked more about our mouths/tongues having germs.

Was this before he licked your son's face, or before he tried sticking his tongue in your son's mouth?







:


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## kyndmamaof4 (Jul 25, 2006)

I don't understand why it matters that he is willing to take a lie detector test...you don't think he hasn't seen Dr. Phil or something? Come on, he would say anything to get out of that, he KNOWS it is wrong. I can't make you do the right thing, I just want you to re-think this. I don't know about you, but at 16 I was pretty smart, and good at lying to my parents







no doubt he is just as savvy.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Benji'sMom* 
Was this before he licked your son's face, or before he tried sticking his tongue in your son's mouth?







:

this was on Wednesday afternoon and ds1 told me about this incident on Wed night.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kyndmamaof4* 
I don't understand why it matters that he is willing to take a lie detector test...you don't think he hasn't seen Dr. Phil or something? Come on, he would say anything to get out of that, he KNOWS it is wrong. I can't make you do the right thing, I just want you to re-think this. I don't know about you, but at 16 I was pretty smart, and good at lying to my parents







no doubt he is just as savvy.

Believe me, I'm rethinking my decision each minute and have since Wednesday.


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## crazy_eights (Nov 22, 2001)

You know, over 90% of investigations of abuse are dismissed (even though sometimes there really is abuse occurring, they just can't determine conclusively that there was). I really think this isn't your call to make. Make a factual report and let the authorities decide in their investigation.

A woman I know had her son develop a bruise in the shape of an adult handprint after coming home from daycare. She reported it, they were not able to make any sort of conclusion, but there was a report on file in case other complaints were made, it would be noted not to be a first report. I think it's important even if it is unlikely that anything will come of it.


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## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)

Aren't you wondering at all at how she just suddenly and conveniently "recalls" this conversation that manages to explain it all away? You don't want to think that about someone you know and care about, but people do all kinds of crazy things to protect their family and income.


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## Lizzo (Jul 26, 2005)

I know that every time I lied to my parents, I offered to take drugs tests and lie detector tests knowing that 1. they wouldn't make me and 2. they are easy to pass. I was 15, 16...a child yes, but not stupid.
I'd report it.


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## kyndmamaof4 (Jul 25, 2006)

QUOTE:
_So I talked with L again on Saturday and she recalled a conversation in which she was explaining to ds1 and another daycare kid about "we cannot kiss babies on their mouths because our mouths and tongues have germs". After L was done talking with them, 16yo was near ds1 and the other child and ds1 asked more about our mouths/tongues having germs._

Ummm, my 4 yo old knows about germs. I highly doubt this kid needed to be told about germs. This whole situation stinks.


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## kyndmamaof4 (Jul 25, 2006)

Please, Please, Please report this. I greee with the PP that maybe nothing will come of it, but there will be a record of what happened incase there is another incident.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sebarnes* 
Aren't you wondering at all at how she just suddenly and conveniently "recalls" this conversation that manages to explain it all away? You don't want to think that about someone you know and care about, but people do all kinds of crazy things to protect their family and income.

You know, honestly, no. I know how crazy busy it is there all day long and well, I'm sure a conversation like the one we had really just slapped her in the face. I've always believed her to be an honest person and she is *very* religious.

Honestly now, haven't you ever been surprised by a conversation or turn of events and re-thought the ENITRE day, trying to think of what went wrong, and then suddenly a light bulb goes off?

I will call CPS and find out what would happen next if I made the report. In fact, I just tried, but there are closed today for MLK.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lizzo* 
I know that every time I lied to my parents, I offered to take drugs tests and lie detector tests knowing that 1. they wouldn't make me and 2. they are easy to pass. I was 15, 16...a child yes, but not stupid.
I'd report it.

my brother used to do that too, but he was older (22).


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

I'm so sorry your and your family are going through this.







:

My 14yr old stepson lives with us and I've been with his dad since he was 4 years old. I know htis kid verrrrrrry well. He has always had a problem telling the truth, especially if he thinks he's going to get in trouble. One of the ways we have come to KNOW he is lying is if he tells us, "NO... you can ask so & so (mom, teacher, etc)" Every time he throws up the defense of telling us to ask an authority figure, we know he's lying.

The 16yr old offering to take lie detector test doesn't necessarily mean he is telling the truth. Some kids do that in an effort to throw you of their trail. Don't fall for it. Better yet, take him up on the offer. Even if it's not admissible in court, it might be what you need to put your mind at ease in how you make your decision to report the incident or not.


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## mcng (Oct 17, 2006)

I respect your desicion yo're the one that is in the situation if you don't feel right reporting it don't. You know this people better than any online person here. I say trust your instincs on this one either way.

And yes most of the cases os abussed get dismissed if you the person who is making a complaint are not sure about what happened, I would say the chances are that it will be dismissed, again I'm not advising either way just do what feels right to you


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## ~MoonGypsy~ (Aug 21, 2006)

IMO I think it's horrid that so many of you are willing to ruin a family by insisting that she report the DCP. CPS tears apart families regardless of the outcome.

Steph you know you DS better than any of us do, and only you and your DH can determine whether DS is portraying the situation correctly or is skewing things as any 3.5yo normally does. You are doing what's best for your family by removing your children from the situation. My only suggestion is to see if DCP and 16yo are willing to try some counseling as it appears that 16yo is willing to prove that everything is okay.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2seven* 
I really think this isn't your call to make. Make a factual report and let the authorities decide in their investigation.

Regardless of what the family says in their defense, I would still feel obligated to file a report.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
soygurl, I understand what you are saying and that's partly why I've decided not to file a report. Even though my ds1 has never made up a story like that, I can't help but to think that perhaps his recollection is partly true and partly pretend.

Reporting this is not the same as convicting him. By not reporting it, you are allowing him to continue without HELP. my sister who is a juvenile prosecutor says that this is a prime age for this kind of abuser to get started. And yes, there usually is abuse in the child's past. Or some sort of other mental health issue.

This 16 year old is troubled. His mom died, his dad came out as gay and moved in with another man, and he's living with a stepmom. WITHOUT the indicents you report, this screams a situation where this child needs counseling. And, add the situations you've said and it screams a child (yes, I believe 16 is a child) who is on the path to something worse. He's got lots of unmet needs -- is he trying to fulfill them with inappropriate contact with little kids? It's happened before.

I agree that meeting has no purpose, but really, to not report inappropriate contact that happened TWICE? You are putting other children in danger. Why are you not willing to report it, but also not willing to send your kids back?

Make a factual report. He's a juvenile. He's troubled. You have a moral obligation to report it.


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## Lovenest (Apr 12, 2006)

I have to say you *should* report this.
This boy could do this to another child and go further with it next time.
I think its our responsibility as parents to keep children protected.
He may need help and does not know what to do, maybe this will be a good way for him to get it.

The little boy that I watch went to a daycare for 4 years and was touched by the providers son.
After CPS stepped in he admitted that he touched EVERY child there.
And there was about 10 children.


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

The fact the 16 year old is willing to take a lie detector test doesn't mean anything. I'm a licensed attorney. People can and do beat lie detector tests. The tests are unreliable. They're not admissible in criminal court. So why are you hesitating because the teenager is willing to take a test that is in no way conclusive or reliable?









You have a duty to your child and to other children. Protect them. Stop worrying so much about the sitter's livelihood. Stop worrying about the teen. Stop talking to them! Worry about what your son will think of you years down the road when you haven't done anything about this predator and he does something far worse like raping and sodomizing. You'll have that on your conscience.

Please report this to the licensing authorities and the police. Do it NOW!


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## faerierose (Jul 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
Why are you not willing to report it, but also not willing to send your kids back?

Exactly what I was thinking. If you truly believe it was nothing why would you keep your boys away??? If you feel something inappropriate happened and don't want your boys there why would you leave it alone and risk other kids??
I understand small children sometimes get things mixed up but honestly how does "tongues have germs" turn into "stick your tongue in my mouth"?


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

oh my gosh, steph, i am so *SO* sorry to read that you & your family are going through this.







: it must just be tearing you up inside.

i offer no advice or judgment, but wish you strength & solace.









feel free to pm me if you need a hug, to vent, etc. i will be thinking of you.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
So, I really don't know what the whole story is, BUT after careful consideration, I'm not willing to make a report about this under these circumstances. This boy attends the school dh works for and he actually told L that maybe he should switch schools.









I didn't see this. If your husband works for a school, he's probably a mandatory reporter. What are the implications for him if he doesn't report?

And upon second thought too - just what did you expect the 16 yo to say to his mom when she asked him? "Gee mom, I did ask a 3.5 yo to put his tongue in my mouth?" Of COURSE he's going to deny it.


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## rosie_plus_one (Aug 11, 2005)

I read through this, and I think the part that alarmed me the most actually was that the DCP - L - felt a need to even explain to her 16 year old son that he shouldn't kiss babies on the mouth?!?! And said that it was because he had germs?

Is the 16 yo developmentally disabled? I would think that by that age, his adopted mother should no longer be concerned about him kissing other MUCH younger children on the mouth. He should have realized that it's not acceptable behavior on a level that goes much deeper than the germs in your mouth.

He honestly sounds like a very odd young man, not someone I would feel comfortable aiding in the care of my child, and based on the two incidents you've had with him crossing the line into unacceptable behavior, I would file a report with DSHS, or whoever takes care of in-home child care providers.

As the mother of a very very young man, I would be shocked if another parent at my day-care had had this happen to her son and not reported it or informed the other parents.


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## oyemicanto (Feb 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~MoonGypsy~* 
IMO I think it's horrid that so many of you are willing to ruin a family by insisting that she report the DCP. CPS tears apart families regardless of the outcome.

Steph you know you DS better than any of us do, and only you and your DH can determine whether *DS is portraying the situation correctly or is skewing things as any 3.5yo normally does.* You are doing what's best for your family by removing your children from the situation. My only suggestion is to see if DCP and 16yo are willing to try some counseling as it appears that 16yo is willing to prove that everything is okay.









How in the world would a 3 year old come up with the idea of someone sticking their tongue in his mouth _unless the idea was presented to him first_???????


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:

16yo told me I had to stick my tongue in his mouth *if I wanted to go downstairs to play*.
Honestly, this is the part that gets me. My DD has an incredible imagination, but she could NOT make this up. The idea that they were discussing germs and all that has no relevance to this statement-- this kind of statement sounds exactly like what a predator would say.

My opinion is to call as you would call a doctor . . .you call the nurse triage when you aren't sure if you should come, and they assess the situation. Call the pros and let THEM make the decision.

Wouldn't you hope, that if someone else were going through this, that they would do it for YOUR son? How about the other children in the daycare? You know your sons are protected-- what about the others? I think being a preying on children is one of the absolute worst atrocities in this world; it is our ultimate job to protect ALL children. Please reconsider.


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## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

I think in every state, teachers are mandated reporters (I could be wrong though, so please don't yell at me if I'm wrong). However, you could look at it this way - If your DS had told your family doctor or a teacher (if he has one) you can guarantee that they would call CPS. CPS will investigate the incident and file a report. It's quite likely you'll never hear about it - I've filed a few reports and never heard back about the outcome.

In fact it's quite likely that the only people who will know are the family and if they don't tell anybody nobody will ever know they were investigated. It's not like CPS is going to make an announcement on the local news (unless they decide there's some validity to the report and the kid is arrested). It is always a better idea to err on the side of caution, regardless of how difficult it is.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I support in you in whatever decision you go with. You know your son and this family. You will know the right thing to do.








: for everyone involved


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
I didn't see this. If your husband works for a school, he's probably a mandatory reporter. What are the implications for him if he doesn't report?

And upon second thought too - just what did you expect the 16 yo to say to his mom when she asked him? "Gee mom, I did ask a 3.5 yo to put his tongue in my mouth?" Of COURSE he's going to deny it.


I don't know the answer to that question. He probably is REQUIRED to report. I'll have him follow up with the Prinicipal.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rosie_plus_one* 
I read through this, and I think the part that alarmed me the most actually was that the DCP - L - felt a need to even explain to her 16 year old son that he shouldn't kiss babies on the mouth?!?! And said that it was because he had germs?

.

Umm, I must not have been very clear.







L was explaining to the young children in her care (not her son, though he was present during the conversation.) Some of the young children were kissing the mouths of babes - not L's son.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Umm, I must not have been very clear.







L was explaining to the young children in her care (not her son, though he was present during the conversation.) Some of the young children were kissing the mouths of babes - not L's son.

That is what I got from what you read. DC kids were kissing babies not the 16 yr old.


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## Terabith (Mar 10, 2006)

Man, this is such a terrible situation for you! I really do understand how conflicted you must be feeling. You love this day care provider; she does a great job; you respect her; you dont want to harm her or her business; the idea of falsely reporting child abuse is horrifying and terrifying. I totally get that. How awful it would be for the poor boy and his mom if he truly is innocent and was accused! I would be loathe to report anyone I knew to CPS unless it was really blatant and clear cut. However, I have to say, I agree that what is suspicious to me is the statement, "You have to stick your tongue in my mouth if you want to go downstairs." That kind of conditional bribery thing, coupled with it being the second instance, makes me think I would err on the horrifying idea of calling CPS. The puppy dog kisses comment might have been a three year old's imagination, but this form of description and with the condition........Im sorry you are going through this!


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## SharonAnne (Jul 12, 2004)

Yeah, my grandfather denied molesting me too.

ALWAYS believe your child. Do what is necessary to protect him. And do what you can to ensure the behavior doesn't continue with other children.


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## JElaineB (Nov 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
Honestly, this is the part that gets me. My DD has an incredible imagination, but she could NOT make this up. The idea that they were discussing germs and all that has no relevance to this statement-- this kind of statement sounds exactly like what a predator would say.

My opinion is to call as you would call a doctor . . .you call the nurse triage when you aren't sure if you should come, and they assess the situation. Call the pros and let THEM make the decision.

Wouldn't you hope, that if someone else were going through this, that they would do it for YOUR son? How about the other children in the daycare? You know your sons are protected-- what about the others? I think being a preying on children is one of the absolute worst atrocities in this world; it is our ultimate job to protect ALL children. Please reconsider.









:

I am sure this is very hard for you, but please go back and reread your first post. Your son has told you TWICE that this 16 yo has licked/kissed him and TWICE the 16 yo and DCP have denied it and come up with other excuses. I know your son is never going back, but please think of the other children this 16 yo might come in contact with. I do hope your DH is a mandatory reporter, because then it is essentially "out of your hands". Reporting won't necessarily lead to anything, but at least if something happens again there will be a report on file.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

This whole situation is off. The way it has been handled by the DCP is suspicious, why did she immediately talk to the 16 yo? Have they been through this before with other families (who didn't report)?

Why would she offer to have him meet with you (who are presumably the angry/suspicious parents)? If it were me I would want to protect my child if I believed him to be innocent. Then you actually talked to the 16 yo and he offered to take a lie detector test? Not typical behaviour for someone who ISN'T lying. And how convenient that she remembered the germ conversation AFTER you talked to her...... It all just feels off to me, and it must to you as well if you aren't sending your boys back









Good luck with whatever you decide, doing the right thing is hard sometimes.


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## neetling (Jan 24, 2006)

I'd err on the side of caution and report. My kids would nver go there again and there would be a report on file in case it's true. I can't imagine my almost 4 year old making something like that up. The puppy kisses maybe as she tries to lick me on occasion, playing doggy, but not the sticking the tongue in the mouth to be allowed to play part. That screams pedophile to me.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FreeRangeMama* 
This whole situation is off. The way it has been handled by the DCP is suspicious, why did she immediately talk to the 16 yo? Have they been through this before with other families (who didn't report)?

Why would she offer to have him meet with you (who are presumably the angry/suspicious parents)? If it were me I would want to protect my child if I believed him to be innocent. Then you actually talked to the 16 yo and he offered to take a lie detector test? Not typical behaviour for someone who ISN'T lying. And how convenient that she remembered the germ conversation AFTER you talked to her...... It all just feels off to me, and it must to you as well if you aren't sending your boys back









Good luck with whatever you decide, doing the right thing is hard sometimes.


I asked her to speak with 16yo and she offered for us to meet with him (which I later declined). I don't know why she offered that. She really was stumbling with words and so was I.

16yo offered to take the lie detector test to his mom (not to us, though she offered for us to be present if we so choose). I again declined.

There really isn't much more to say here. Sure, I doubt reporting or not reporting. More than anything, I don't want to let a child continue this if it is true AND I also don't want to ruin this family or the mom's livelihood if it's not true.

Honestly, it's so easy to assume what you (collectively, you) would do in this situation (I would be saying the same thing), but when you KNOW the family and have for YEARS, emotion gets in the way of hard facts. i will continue to reflect on this and I will ask dh to find out about mandatory reporting.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

You've mentioned the book, "Protecting the Gift" several times in this thread and I keep going back to the thought that you're letting what you read in that book (someone else's opinions and advice) dictate, at least in part, what you do in this situation. Why not listen to your gut? What are your instincts telling you? Forget the book for a minute and listen to what your child has told you (and I don't believe he would make that up) and what your heart is telling you.

I haven't been in this situation so I can't say without a doubt that I would do "xyz," but if I thought my DS had been abused or "groomed" for abuse you'd better believe I'd report the offender. The alternative for me would weigh too much on my mind _knowing_ that I had not listened to my instincts, my own son, and possibly let a future predator go on to hurt others.


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## crazy_eights (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~MoonGypsy~* 
IMO I think it's horrid that so many of you are willing to ruin a family by insisting that she report the DCP. CPS tears apart families regardless of the outcome.

In the case of DCP, this is definately not true. Most cases wind up as 'complaints on flie' only. The vast majority.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 







I support in you in whatever decision you go with.

Well I don't. You have a moral responsibility to protect others. If you believe your son enough to pull him out of this situation, then you ought not leave other kids in harm's way.


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## wombat (Nov 3, 2002)

I don't think CPS could do anything to this boy. You have the word of a 3 year old. That won't hold up in court. You have no physical evidence. You have a 16 yo that will deny it. That's just how the court system works. The most CPS could do is make a report for their files. Or talk to the kids dr. or school, that'd perhaps turn something else up. But involving the authorities will at least reinforce the seriousness of it all. To both the boy and to his mother who is charged with protecting those little kids in her care.

If it's not reported and this boy is heading towards being a pedophile then he's just learnt he (or his mother) can talk their way out of it. Next time he'll be more careful.


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## Dreaming (Feb 8, 2004)

You are going to do whatever you want.
However, I think it speaks VOLUMES that you are pulling your children out of that daycare and that your DH told the 16 year old to find a different school.
You are talking out of both sides of your mouth.
If you truly believed that the 16 year old was innocent, you wouldn't be taking the actions you are taking.


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## Maple Leaf Mama (Jul 2, 2004)

I have not read all the responses, so forgive me if this has already been pointed out.
"L" said that her sons, while with the boys, were never alone with them. EVER.
Well, they MUST have been alone at some point, becasue hopefully she wouldn't have allowed her son to
A) stick his tongue in your DS's mouth or lick him
And
B): say you can't go downstairs until you do XYZ. If she were there, she would have seen/heard this exchange.
And if by "alone" she means there were other kids present, then that is not quite accurate. By being alone without other adults present and being alone with other babies present--it's NOT the same thing and she should see the difference.

And I would be freaked out that ANYONE would have to speak to a freaking
*16* about not french kissing a baby. WTF??? Is the 16 year old mentally handicapped? Because that is the ONLY reason for not knowing such behavior is sooo very wrong.

That woman needs to be reported. I wouldn't care HOW great she is. She shouldn't be caring for vulnerable children with a 16 year old who was confronted once and went further the second time.
Gee, what next?? OK, so licking and french kissing is wrong. But what about a little touch here and there?? It's *ALL* wrong. They shouldn't need to be told that.
Holy crap!


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I have been re-readig _Protecting the Gift_ (because of what happened with those 2 boys in MO. . .seriously freaked out here) and I thought this might help you clarify things. I know you've read it, but I thought this was important.

Signs of Denial:
-Rationalization
-Justification
-Minimization
-Excuse-making
-Refusal

Is there any chance that these fit?

Oh, yeah, and in the book, it mentions that most abusers have abused 30-60 children before they are ever caught.


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dreaming* 
You are going to do whatever you want.
However, I think it speaks VOLUMES that you are pulling your children out of that daycare and that your DH told the 16 year old to find a different school.
You are talking out of both sides of your mouth.
If you truly believed that the 16 year old was innocent, you wouldn't be taking the actions you are taking.









:

I feel sorry that I read this thread for it saddens me that you won't take any action other than to protect your own son. I have a feeling you're not going to report it to the police or the licensing authorities although you believe your son. I feel sad that other children are going to be molested by this teenager and he won't be caught until something far more serious happens to an innocent child.


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## kyndmamaof4 (Jul 25, 2006)

This is so freakin sad. I am disgusted. I truly don't think posting anymore will matter.









Those poor children.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

by not reporting, it's actually making it easier for this boy to molest more children. he's learning by trial and error how not to get caught and what to say/not to say to get away with it scott free. you're giving him a lesson on how to abuse while flying under the radar.

truly,







:.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:

Then ds1 said "are you mad?" to which I answered, no baby, I'm not. Then, ds1 asked if it was bad.
If the situation was totally innocent, if both boys were just playing around, i don't think your son would have asked these questions ("Are you mad?Am i bad?")

I think he asked those questions, because what happened made HIM feel "bad" inside, and because it felt wrong to him. I think kids can have pretty good instincts about this, about how certain people make them feel "icky" or wrong.

Nothing will happen to the older boy if you report it, there is no proof, nothing that will stand up in court. HOWEVER there will be a record so if something happens in the future it won't be treated like a "first offense." As far as i know, these sorts of reports are private, so i don't see how it will affect the mother's business. They may not even follow up on it, just file it. At least you will know you did what you could.

Katherine


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## mamamelia (Apr 14, 2005)

omg.

Quote:

If you truly believed that the 16 year old was innocent, you wouldn't be taking the actions you are taking.
couldn't of said it better myself. i'll let you in on a little something. my dh was sexually abused by his first cousin when he was 7 or so. he never told anyone out of fear but me. he also never told anyone because his cousin turned it into a game.. he made it seem like it was ok for years. like "how about i put my penis in your mouth and you do the same?" it's f*cken sick, sick, sick and makes me want to vomit. my dh never went out with a girl in highschool. he never went out with a girl until he met me. he did not know how to get close to someone without feeling shame. he went to counselling for a long time to help him heal.
he still doesn't want to tell anyone because he doesn't want it to cause a conflict in the family. you know what i told him? f*ck it and f*ck him. how does he get to get away with this sort of crap and my dh has to suffer for it? i see him at family gatherings and he says hello and i totally ignore him. HE KNOWS I KNOW..but do you think that has changed anything? probably not. so there is no point in the pedophile knowing that the victims loved ones know, if they are allowed to continue. no point at all.
btw my dh still hasn't said anything. he says to let it go because it doesn't affect him that much like it did 9 years ago.
honestly, one day i think i will say something. but i just don't know how. and i know it will be in front of other family members and not be pretty that's for sure. i'm actually scared i might strangle the bastard once i get started because what he did to my dh really hurts me. i'm very protective over my dh like he was my own son. i can see it hurts him and has affected him. and it's not fair. NOT FAIR.

that said, i DO understand how you feel in that you can't just report it because you know this woman personally and you have known her for years. it's like personal stuff mixing with business.

BUT, you must still please, please, please REALISE that abuse in childhood is a very serious matter... the effects last for life. it doesn't matter who's income it hurts. it will be hard but another income can be established. it's not the end of the world!!!!! honestly!!! but for an abused child...? it can be the end of the world. it can be the start of hell.

please trust your instincts and report this. if this happened to another child and the mother pulled her child out and didn't report this as a good deed to the day care provider.. and then the 16yo went on to abuse YOUR son, what would you think of that other mother? you'd be horrified at how someone could be so callous and let something as serious as this slide out of a 'favour' for the DCP and just protecting her own.
please think of the other kids involved. they are not your kids, true, but they are someone elses kids and i'm sure those parents want thier children protected from harm as well. i'm sure they love thier child as much as you love yours.

i mean if your not willing to send your sons back..... then you KNOW IN YOUR HEART, that something is not right.

please report this.


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## living_organic (Sep 25, 2006)

I have a 3.5 year old...she pretends sometimes...never asks if it's "bad" or if I'm mad at her for something she's pretended...

I've been molested by a family member, I know that emotions get in the way of reporting, emotions caused my parents to let it go and my abuser kept abusing me...I stopped telling and he was more careful...

For a moment look objectivly...you said you would say the same thing we are saying.

So look at the facts...

DS has never "pretended" things like this before, ie "if you want to go downstairs, kiss me" then ask if it's bad...

L (DCP) Lied to you about 16yo being alone with day care kids. Or if not lied, then has very poor memory.

16 yo has had a troubled childhood.

TWO reports of inappropriate conduct from ds

You do not feel it is safe for your children to be there.

Let me tell you, my abuser had a daughter, after three sons. He was a distant and uninvolved dad, until the girl was born, he then insisted on co-sleeping.
And afew red flags went up with me, including how this little girl acts around him and she hates men.

I went to another board to get opinions on reporting this...so I did, it was hard, even though he had abused me. It was still family and I was shaking the entire time. But it was the right thing to do because children cannot defend themselves.

You likely came here seeking objectivity. But you already know what you need to do, you just don't want to because it's hard! And I've been in those shoes before...you know what to do, now all that's left is to do it.


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## Jster (Apr 22, 2003)

I haven't finished reading this thread, but I have something important to share.

YOU ARE A MANDATORY REPORTER OF SUSPECTED CHILD ABUSE.

http://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwi...a.cfm#notefour

Go to footnote four...in some states (Including Indiana), ANY person (not just teachers, doctors, etc.) who suspects the possibility of abuse must report it to the police.

So it's not just a matter of whether you want to or not, you clearly have had suspicions, you clearly have had a bad feeling (after all, no matter how much you want to give this family another chance, you aren't sending your own child back there, are you?). YOU are under statutory obligation to report this situation.

Does that mean this family is doomed? No, it means that they will be investigated. It means that if there's a problem, other children will be protected. And it also means that, if you fail to report it now, you could be held partially responsible for any future children who are abused, not just morally responsible, but legally as well.

I've been abused. I sure wish someone had listened to me. I also have a friend who was abused, once by an adult (and his family listened and took immediate action) and once by a 16yo. When he told his family (he was 4 or 5 at the time) they explained it all away, didn't do a darn thing. It's easy to think that the 16yo is a child and should be given some sort of benefit of the doubt, but you aren't a judge or prosecutor or psychologist, you aren't in a position to make that determination, and other children could very well be hurt. And if you've never been molested (thank your lucky stars!) you might not realize, but abuse, even "mere" molestation and touching, stays with a person FOREVER. Your child will already have to do that, he already did the right thing by telling, he already had a sense that it was bad, he's got good instincts now, but they might be lost soon if he realizes that listening to his instincts does nothing.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

to all of you who have gone through abuse. I read here on MDC that one of the most important parts of healing is that SOMEONE BELIEVES YOU. It sounds like this wasn't the case for so many of you.









I read recently in _Protecting the Gift_ (for anyone who hasn't read it, run-- don't walk-- to get it . . .your library probably has it) that children are NOT resiliant, they don't just bounce back like adults so often say. We like to comfort ourselves that they will, but the stories here prove that it just isn't so.

Again, many, many







s


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Personally, apart from the legalities of it, I don't believe that one should need to be absolutely "sure" abuse took place in order to report it - this is serious stuff, and it goes way beyond wondering if diapers are getting changed regularly or something. It's about sexual abuse.

If you have concerns, you pass them along to the relevant bodies (licensing, police, CAS, whatever). They deal with this stuff regularly and they sort it out. That's not your obligation.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Thank you all for not giving up on me







After a long talk with dh, I've decided to report this. I tried to call today, but they were already closed. So, I will call in the morning when they open.

I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...


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## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Thank you all for not giving up on me







After a long talk with dh, I've decided to report this. I tried to call today, but they were already closed. So, I will call in the morning when they open.

I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...









Strength and Courage to you, your dh and your ds.


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## living_organic (Sep 25, 2006)

It's very hard to report but it's the right thing to do!


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## Maple Leaf Mama (Jul 2, 2004)

Thinking of the other children in her care right now and that you will be protecting them from possible abuse should give you all the strength you need to press forward.


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Wow, what a bad situation! I'm sorry you and your DS had to go through this. IMO 16 years old is certainly old enough to understand that this kind of behavior is wrong. I mean, a lot of people are having sex by age 16, they have to know that this kind of behavior is not apropriate with a child.

I think reporting it is the right thing to do. I'd certainly want to know about the incident if I had a child in this woman's care.


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## Lovenest (Apr 12, 2006)

Im so relieved you have decided to report this boy.
It needs to be handled by professionals.

I will be thinking of your family.







:


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## BWife (Dec 29, 2006)

I will be thinking of you and your family in this emotionally taxing time.


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## laketahoemama (Aug 29, 2006)

***SIGH*** of relief! As a parent of a 2 year old, I have to say that it's more frightening to think that there are people out there that would turn thier heads when a child might be in danger, than it is that there are child molesters out there.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...









mama . . .doing the right thing isn't always easy-- why do you think so many people don't report it?









Peace and love to your family!


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## PeacefulSeams (Apr 10, 2006)

I am so glad that you are reporting this. I know that it takes a lot of courage. I also encourage you to take your son for counseling. It will help him to process it more easily. Give your ds a lot of hugs. Make sure he knows it wasn't his fault and that you love him no matter what.He will need it now more than before. He may be feeling ashamed or bad even though you told him he wasn't.

I was abused by my stepfather for several years. It all started with "let me put my tongue in your mouth or you have to go to bed early." I was 8. It progressed from there. It finally stopped when I was 13 and he started the same routine with my younger sister. We told and it was over.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

oh Steph....







I've been thinking so much about you & your fam.

Wishing you continued strength, courage, support & peace.

btw, I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it, but would it be worth looking in to taking your ds to a child psychologist, therapist, etc who has experience in the area & might be able to help figure out if there is any fantasy? I am glad that you're going to report it & happy that your ds doesn't not seem traumatized at all, but just thought it might be useful to have some professional input.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

You are a strong and courageous mama. I imagine the hardest part of reporting would be acknowledging that it is likely true. The reality of what that means (and especially COULD have meant) for your ds must be heartbreaking







I don't blame you for taking some time to reflect on the whole thing before deciding what to do, that is often the best course of action in a difficult situation.

Good for you for deciding to report. I wish you and your family much strength during this trying time


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Thank you all for not giving up on me







After a long talk with dh, I've decided to report this. I tried to call today, but they were already closed. So, I will call in the morning when they open.

I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...


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## jrayn (Jul 6, 2005)

I was thinking about this and your son is not yet 4 right? Well many toddlers around that age are not able to articulate themselves well enough to explain situations like this, what if this 16 year old is targeting that age group for that specific reason and that is why there haven't been other complaints???

I am glad that you are going to report this, hopefully that young man will get some type of treatment, it is obvious that he has had a troubled childhood, so even if it wasn't meant THAT way, he probably still needs it.

edited to add, not all children have an open relationship with their parents, I wouldn't have been able to come to my parents about something like that.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Thank you all for not giving up on me







After a long talk with dh, I've decided to report this. I tried to call today, but they were already closed. So, I will call in the morning when they open.

I KNOW it's the right thing, but it's hard. Parts of me hopes it's not true (for my ds's sake) and parts of me feel like I hope it is (because I'm reporting.) I'm completely torn, but I KNOW I need to do it. and, i WILL.

For those of you following, please check back tomorrow, I will post more then...


I had vowed not to come back to this thread because I was so sick over it but I am glad I did to read that you had of change of heart. I know this hard is so hard and I credit you for recognizing that no matter how hard it is you are doing the right thing. THANK YOU!


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## JElaineB (Nov 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 







mama . . .doing the right thing isn't always easy-- why do you think so many people don't report it?









Peace and love to your family!









:

Thank you for being courageous during this difficult time!


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Good for you! I know it's difficult.

Remember, when you suspect abuse, it's not your responsibility to act as judge and jury and make a final determination before you turn to the authorities for help - your job is just to report it if you have a concern.

Regardless of the outcome, you've done the right thing.


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## channelofpeace (Jul 14, 2005)

You are doing the right thing.

Please give us an update when you can


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Well, I reported it this morning. They WILL be investigating it and to my horror, they want to interview ds right away.







I really hoped they wouldn't need to (because although ds WILL talk about it if I ask, he doesn't like to.) So starts the 2nd week of H*LL in my family...

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. No one around me feels I should have reported (as bizarre as that sounds), so all of your posts have been so helpful for me.

To the pp who mentioned that this age isn't very articulate and maybe that's why the 16yo is targeting this age, 16yo chose the wrong boy, because ds is very verbal for his age. for that, I'm thankful.

I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.


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## Rigama (Oct 18, 2005)

You did the right thing, mama, despite what those around you think. Thank you for being so courageous.


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## Nousername (Jul 3, 2006)

This might be repetitive--I haven't read all the posts--but your move to report this has so many positive outcomes and only one negative one. I am guessing that, if the authorities are responsible and caring, they will see that the 16-yr-old needs counseling and care. Even if L loses her current livelihood, you may be saving many children from sexual abuse and permanent psychological damage. Therapy for the 16-yr-old might prevent him from more serious violations in the future. You did the right thing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Well, I reported it this morning. They WILL be investigating it and to my horror, they want to interview ds right away.







I really hoped they wouldn't need to (because although ds WILL talk about it if I ask, he doesn't like to.) So starts the 2nd week of H*LL in my family...

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. No one around me feels I should have reported (as bizarre as that sounds), so all of your posts have been so helpful for me.

To the pp who mentioned that this age isn't very articulate and maybe that's why the 16yo is targeting this age, 16yo chose the wrong boy, because ds is very verbal for his age. for that, I'm thankful.

I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.


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## channelofpeace (Jul 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Well, I reported it this morning. They WILL be investigating it and to my horror, they want to interview ds right away.







I really hoped they wouldn't need to (because although ds WILL talk about it if I ask, he doesn't like to.) So starts the 2nd week of H*LL in my family...

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. No one around me feels I should have reported (as bizarre as that sounds), so all of your posts have been so helpful for me.

To the pp who mentioned that this age isn't very articulate and maybe that's why the 16yo is targeting this age, 16yo chose the wrong boy, because ds is very verbal for his age. for that, I'm thankful.

I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.

Steph,
As a victim of abuse, i thank you for your courage. Your son surely has a trustworthy Mama. You are doing what so many people won't... believe your little one and be willing to take such a difficult step to protect them and others.

I am sorry you don't have support irl, but you absolutely have it here


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## Isaac'sMa (Mar 13, 2006)

Wow. Just wow.







:

Mama, I am so glad you reported these incidents. I read the entire seven pages of this thread and my heart is just breaking for you. What a difficult thing for you and your family. You are a brave woman who obviously loves her family very much. It was the right thing to do, so please have no doubt that it was.

My dh is a clinical social worker/psychtherapist and works with a lot of kids who have been abused. Based on what dh has told me about these kids(he sees mostly middle school age kids), I would recommend a therapist for your ds. (the kids dh works with though, have been in severe, serial abuse situations, so it's a bit different than your ds's situation) Even though the incidents your ds told you about might seem minor, it has obviously affected him in that he thinks he was "bad" and doesn't want to talk about it. You can often find therapists who will do play therapy. And any good therapist will not "make" your ds talk about it until he is ready and likely not in the first several visits.

Whatever the outcome of this situation you are in, I wish you luck and strength. You are a very courageous woman.


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

You did the right thing though it wasn't easy. I'm sad that you don't have support in RL but you know you have it here at MDC.

I'm sorry about my words earlier. I don't have personal experience with abuse but I do have someone very close to me who has been molested as a child and your story brought up a lot of emotions in me. I'm sorry if I came off as harsh.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
Well, I reported it this morning. They WILL be investigating it and to my horror, they want to interview ds right away.







I really hoped they wouldn't need to (because although ds WILL talk about it if I ask, he doesn't like to.) So starts the 2nd week of H*LL in my family...

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. No one around me feels I should have reported (as bizarre as that sounds), so all of your posts have been so helpful for me.

To the pp who mentioned that this age isn't very articulate and maybe that's why the 16yo is targeting this age, 16yo chose the wrong boy, because ds is very verbal for his age. for that, I'm thankful.

I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.

One step at a time, mama.







I can't imagine how overwhelming this is for your family. I know that you did the right thing and I know that you know that you did the right thing. Please keep us updated. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.


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## gargirl (Dec 30, 2006)

I was so sick reading this thread... watching you go back and forth between reporting and not... If I had a kid in daycare and later found out that someone else who used that daycare had been in your position and done nothing.... what if my baby was next, you know? It is all about the helpless little kids.

I am glad you reported it. The 16 year old is behaving exactly like a sexual abuser would, I agree with everyone on that. The least that needs to happen is for there to be a report on file, hopefully the 16 year old will get help and NOT turn into a full-fledged abuser. I feel for him, but I feel even more for which ever other kids he has already abused. There is no reason to believe your son is his first.

Thank you for reporting this. It will probably end up as a complaint on record and nothing more, but when the kid tries again he will more likely be caught.


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## mimiharshe (Oct 16, 2006)




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## Papooses (Dec 20, 2006)

I am so relieved to hear you reported this -- for so many reasons....

For your child's sake: if he remembers later in life what the teenager did he will also likely remember that his parents stood up for him (YES!)
For other kids' sakes: this may prevent the teenager from becoming a perpetrator against other innocent young children
For the teenager: you may have saved him from a life which he does not want to live but may feel hopeless to stop.
Perhaps the teenager was victimized? This isn't to say you should feel bad for him or guilty for reporting -- reporting was absolutely the best possible thing to have done for all involved & I am proud of you!

(((((HUGS)))))


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## Lovenest (Apr 12, 2006)

Just wanted to give you a big







.
I can only imagine how hard this is.
You are doing the right thing.
Just imagine the abuse on some innocent child you could be stopping.


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## living_organic (Sep 25, 2006)

I just want to say thank you! I know it was hard to do and will still be hard to go through interviews, etc.

If others are not supportive of protecting children tell them you don't wish to discuss it with them!

You spoke up for the innocent who can't speak for themselves...you are fighting for the helpless.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

You did the correct thing. My brother works as a counselor in the prison system with sex offenders. From talking with him, most, if not all of them were abused themselves. Hopefully by reporting this the sixteen year old can get help and maybe even change before he is too far gone. Think of all the other children you have saved from being abused. It sucks that they need to interview your DS, but with such a great support system and a loving and caring family I know he will get through this.


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## PeacefulSeams (Apr 10, 2006)

when I was molested by my sisters dad at the age of 5, I had to speak with the police. It really helped me that I was able to show them with dolls what happened. That may make it easier for your son.

A therapist that specializes in play therapy may be helpful. My nieces really helped her out.

This may be a long process but I know you and your family can get through it. Some days will be harder than others but it will get better.







s


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## Papooses (Dec 20, 2006)

Yes, it may be a long process, but chances are it'll be shortened a great deal by reporting & facing it all now rather than later in life....


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## amyjeans (Jul 27, 2004)

First off, big fat hugs to you mama for everything you are going through.
I wanted to point something out- that another person posted:

Quote:

I think he asked those questions, because what happened made HIM feel "bad" inside, and because it felt wrong to him. I think kids can have pretty good instincts about this, about how certain people make them feel "icky" or wrong.
Kuddos to you for raising a child who is aware of his feelings enough to know when something isn't right. And just that is encouragement enough, in my opinion, to follow through and do what you are doing.
All my best.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
I will also consider a pyschiatrist. At this point, I think ds understands that the 16yo was wrong, I don't think ds feels bad at this point. But again, I should leave that up to professionals.

Yes, I would, too . . .but I wonder if someone on the abuse board can give you a local recommendation? In the meantime, the people on that board may be able to give you specific ideas as to how much/how little to talk to him about this now and what to say.

So many







s for all of you, but I want to say THANK YOU for doing this. You have spared many children from-- I don't even want to think what.


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## Mama Coltrane (Sep 30, 2004)

I also wanted to write in support for you and your family.

- Kerri


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

I wanted to support and thank you for what you did.


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## faerierose (Jul 9, 2006)

I wanted to say thank you as well, as someone who's life has been turned upside down because of people not reporting. It means more to me then I can say in 100,000 posts. I know this is hard but it really is the best thing to do.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

A family member was abused by a male babysitter (who was 14 or 15) when she was 3 1/2 or 4. My sister reported it, they interviewed them all.

They got counseling, and the child recovered very well. The offender got counseling, and I hope the help he needed. The mom was the one who took the longest to heal, I think. The child in question is now nearly an adult and doing very well. Smart, healthy, great self image, great trust in her parents.

So, while this is a hard time, you've done the hardest bit.







It takes real courage for you to do what's right when all around you are saying "don't".

Counseling for you and your son is a great idea.


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## Ilaria (Jan 14, 2002)

Hugs to you and your family. You did the right thing, and the hardest!


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## bnhmama (Nov 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
I guess my thought is that he'll know his secret is out. And, if another family reports it to her, she'll know for certain it wasn't MY son who miscontrued anything.











I hope I'm reading this wrong. I really do. It seems like you are saying that you would be willing to let this happen to another child so that your child wouldn't be perceived a liar by the dcp.

Please tell me I read this wrong.


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## bnhmama (Nov 28, 2006)

I finally finished the entire thread.

I'm very glad you reported. It sounds like you are struggling with some denial about what has happened. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this but I am so thankful that you chose to report this.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bnhmama* 
I finally finished the entire thread.

I'm very glad you reported. It sounds like you are struggling with some denial about what has happened. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this but I am so thankful that you chose to report this.


Oh yes, absolutely struggling with a bit of denial here.









Ironically enough, because our dcp isn't a licensed one, CPS turned this over to the police dept and they don't plan to interview ds.














: But, they did say that it will be "on the records" in case anything happens in the future.

Thanks everyone


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## angel1895 (Nov 9, 2006)

is there any update here?


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)




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## luvmy2boys (Apr 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peilover010202* 
But, the 16yo also offered to take a lie detector test.







:

Just another thought on this that I haven't seen brought up. Maybe deep down he wants to be caught. Often times the abused grow up to be abused. It's very possible this is the case with him. Maybe he wants help, but doesn't know how to ask for it.


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## babygirl24 (Jun 29, 2004)

Big hugs to you!!


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