# Bad etiquette or too sensitive? Party related



## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

DH and I had a birthday party for DD. It was my first time having a kids party. On the invitation, I specifically said to contact me if any child had a food allergy or special dietary need. As the mother of a two year old who will sometimes only eat pasta, I wanted to make sure everyone was accommodated.

DD eats a mostly organic diet but if we are invited to someone's home I don't expect the host to cater to how we feed her. As long as it's not pork, she can eat whatever else is eating. Anyway, we served pizza and salad (for the adults). There was also apple sauce cups, cut up grapes and other kid friendly snacks for the children. One guest and her DP didn't eat anything we served. I asked if they wanted something else. We had a lot of food in the refrigerator. Cold cuts, cheese, pasta and pasta sauce. Enough food for me or DH to make sure no guest went home hungry including enough food to make a parent who only lets her child eat organic food happy. Her son grabbed for a slice of pizza but she said he couldn't have it. I asked her if she wanted me to make him a grilled cheese or pb and j and she said no. No problem. But then she took it upon herself to help herself to other food and snacks in our cabinet! She let her son eat three organic fruit pouches, crackers and cheese. When it came time to serve cake and ice cream, she told my husband he didn't eat cake because it's too sweet. Okay! No problem. DH asked if he could have ice cream. "Only if you have organic ice cream."







It turned out we did but normally that's not something we have in the apartment. It just turned out I had a free coupon for a Stonyfield Farm product and DH purchased it the night before. She let her son eat three bowlfuls of the icecream. Before she and her family left she ran into the kitchen and helped herself to some crackers. Then she asked me if there was a store near by where she could get something to eat. I told her the closest store was a few blocks away but they only sell sandwhiches and chips and stuff. I asked her why she didn't eat the pizza or have some salad if she was hungry. Her response? "I don't eat greasy food."









I will admit I am very sensitive but I thought that comment was beyond rude. You don't eat greasy food but you let your son scarf down three fruit pouches, crackers and eat three bowlfuls of organic ice cream which has the same amount of sugar in it as non organic ice cream. I was extremely offended by this and called her up about it the following Monday. She told me I was too sensitive. She reiterated that she doesn't eat greasy food and she doesn't feed her son "conventional" pizza because it's greasy and would make his stomach queasy. She let him have ice cream because he hasn't had ice cream in a long time and because he really wanted it.

I would never invite her back to my home. I was very offended by her comments. I also went well out of my way to offer her and her partner and DC alternatives in terms of food. I also don't go into another person's home and help myself to their food.


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## staceychev (Mar 5, 2005)

I'd be offended that she was rooting through my cupboards and then let her son eat THREE BOWLS of ice cream! I still remembering my mom complaining about children of a family friend who ate her out of house and home when they came to visit, and I'm always cautious about my daughter being too greedy with someone else's generosity.

Her comments, of course, are also ridiculous. I don't think I'd invite her back, either.


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## changingseasons (Mar 24, 2008)

Whoa. It's definitely not you- that is REALLY bad etiquette. And weird. I was reading along thinking maybe it was someone who had issues with other people preparing/touching their food, or shared food, or.... ?? But then they let their kid eat the ice cream, so that doesn't make any sense. And does she not realize that the same (milk)fat that makes the pizza greasy is also in the ice cream?







Maybe it was just the organic part of it. But still...

Not eating at someone's party is fine- weird, but not rude. Asking for different food from your cabinets starts to get a little annoying to me. But then straight out asking you where a grocery store was so that she could get some food- THAT is plain rude. Was she really trying to get the point across that your food was horrible, or what?


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *changingseasons* 
Whoa. It's definitely not you- that is REALLY bad etiquette. And weird. I was reading along thinking maybe it was someone who had issues with other people preparing/touching their food, or shared food, or.... ?? But then they let their kid eat the ice cream, so that doesn't make any sense. And does she not realize that the same (milk)fat that makes the pizza greasy is also in the ice cream?







Maybe it was just the organic part of it. But still...

Not eating at someone's party is fine- weird, but not rude. Asking for different food from your cabinets starts to get a little annoying to me. But then straight out asking you where a grocery store was so that she could get some food- THAT is plain rude. *Was she really trying to get the point across that your food was horrible, or what?*









This is what I thought. The pizza came from a popular local eatery. I didn't make it. I was also irked because DH and I are on a serious budget and it took a lot to plan a nice event for DD. Pizza is usually the food everyone eats. I would never dare go to someone's home and request only an organic version of what everyone else is ready. I have to laugh at that in order to not be ticked off.


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## kittykat2481 (Nov 7, 2008)

You never know what to expect when someone else is serving you, so you shouldn't be offended if it's not what you would normally eat. Be polite, nibble at what you can, and get something else on the way home. The fact that you went out of your way to put on the invitation that you want to accomodate anyone's special dietary needs is way more than what you needed to do. You went well above and beyond what I would have even imagined. Why couldn't she just let her kid eat grapes and be done with it? There was plenty to choose from on your regular menu to accomodate anyone IMO. She was rude, rude, rude.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

That's just weird.

It's not like she got you off to the side and said look, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot to call and let you know he's allergic to X and I forgot to pack anything and he's STARVING, do you mind if I find him some blah blah blah. Or let you offer something. It's not like he's small and took it upon himself to find something while no one was paying attention, or found a box of snacks sitting out and helped himself.

It's like she went out of her way to be difficult.

I keep trying to think of underlying reasons I may be missing - you know, illness or allergy that may not be obvious but all I can come up with is rude.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

Yeah, another vote for wtf is wrong with her? Seriously? We (attempt) to eat mostly organic (we have a lot of failures... but we try!), but I can not imagine ever going to someones house and demanding organic x or insulting their food cause' we don't happen to think whatever their serving is 'good food'.

Utterly 100% rude!!!


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

No, you aren't too sensitive. She was really rude. I can't imagine commenting about someone's food like that, and then behaving as she did. I woudln't invite her back, either.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

that's over the top. I mean I like my kid to eat healthy but at party's well I don't care as much. But if I did have major restrictions on that stuff then I would BRING MY OWN FOOD. I have a friend who is vegan, the whole family is. She brings stuff for her son to eat at birthday party's, even a frosted cupcake made with all vegan ingredients for him to eat when the kids have cake.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

You are an exceedingly gracious hostess.

You tried to anticipate your guests' needs, you provided for them and you tolerated some extremely trying behaviour without losing your cool.

You're amazing! Don't let anyone make you think otherwise.


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

That was seriously rude.

I brought some snacks to a meeting the other day - I was on the run, didn't have time to get anything from a nicer store, but bought seed and dried fruit mix....and some chocolate covered almonds (just cuz I thought it would be nice).

A woman I offered them to said "Oh, I don't eat drugstore chocolate." (It was a grocery store, not a drug store, but I felt...ugh...so just kinda..left)

I get how you felt. Rude, rude, rude and with no graciousness.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
No, you aren't too sensitive. She was really rude. I can't imagine commenting about someone's food like that, and then behaving as she did. I woudln't invite her back, either.

I agree with this. I would never let someone like this back in my house.


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## nola79 (Jun 21, 2009)

Her actions were incredibly rude. I would never, ever root through someone else's cabinets nor would I insult their food. That's just crazy.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Rude and very ungracious behavior! Jeesh.

If you have that many food issues then you bring your own. No problem. But you do not insult what a host is serving.


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## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

Not only rude but unfair to her son. I may have missed the age of the child but personally I wouldn't accept an invitation to a party where I was then going to not let my child have whatever his friends were having (allergies accepted, of course, but in that case the child is probably used to it). I know my 3 year old would have a FIT if I said no, you can't have pizza or cake like virtually every other kid at the party. Helping herself and her son to your pantry and your organic ice cream that wasn't being served to anyone else was inappropriate as well.

I always assume a kids party will involve pizza, chicken nuggets or some variation of those. Birthday parties are rarely about _health food._







If it was going to be an issue for some reason I would feed him before going to the party. That goes for me, too. I know one mom whose son is on a gluten free diet and she makes sure to bring a cupcake with her so that her son can feel a part of the party and not "different" from his friends.

Other than that, her excuse doesn't hold water. If it's grease she objects to for herself, what was wrong with the salad? Was it deep fried?


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## Katielady (Nov 3, 2006)

You were a gracious hostess and her behavior was outrageous. I'd say keep Ms. Rude McGude far far away from your home from now on.


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

You were very accommodating. She was very rude. I would not invite her back again either. She has major boundary issues.

I have food issues. I don't eat pizza unless it is cheese-less because cheese makes me feel sick. I would bring my own food and munch on whatever else there was I could eat.

DD used to not eat dairy or gluten - it's a huge pain, but while we appreciated those people who made accommodations for us, we did not expect it. It was our issue.

If she was so concerned with the type and quality of the food at the party, she should have phoned you to ask what you were serving and packed a lunch for her family.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I can't even imagine going through someone else's cupboard for food. Not in a million years.

If they are that fragile, they should have stopped on the way to the party and eaten "non conventional" food, so as not to be tempted by the greasy conventional food.

What a pain in the neck! I'd never have her back again either.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
No, you aren't too sensitive. She was really rude. I can't imagine commenting about someone's food like that, and then behaving as she did. I woudln't invite her back, either.

Yep. She was way out of line. Sorry!


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

Yep, another person chiming in saying that she was just plain rude. Makes me also think she's one of those people that eat organic because it's 'cool' and doesn't actually realise that just because something is organic doesn't mean it's necessarily healthy!


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

Just wanted to say as well, the PP who was trying to think of any underlying reason for her being so rude - I don't think there could be a reason! Just because you have allergies etc you can still manage to be polite about it!


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

wait. youve never met this guest and DP before? she helped herself to YOUR pantry.

this is waaaay beyond rude.

i cant imagine anyone doing this. OMG!!! it leaves me speechless.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I'm a health nut. It doesn't bother me if someone doesn't want to feed their kid junk food. But her actions were rude. She didn't need to eat your food, but the rooting through your stuff and insulting your food was rude, not to mention taking advantage of the premium food she got her hands on.

When I'm a guest somewhere, I choose from the food I'm offered. If for some reason the hostess offered special food (happened kind of recently, DD spotted a mango she wanted), I'd make sure the food was appreciated, the serving fully eaten (I ate the rest of the mango when DD was done), and none more requested!

The whole asking where she could get more food nearby was like flaunting her insult for your food.

And I second the PP about the salad... your salad was too greasy? What the heck?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Huh, would've saved you time if she'd told you "my kid will only eat junk food and I only let him eat junk food that comes with a label that lets me feel less guilty."

That kid is going to end up with orthoexia AND a junkfood belly.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cascadian* 
That was seriously rude.

I brought some snacks to a meeting the other day - I was on the run, didn't have time to get anything from a nicer store, but bought seed and dried fruit mix....and some chocolate covered almonds (just cuz I thought it would be nice).

A woman I offered them to said "Oh, I don't eat drugstore chocolate." (It was a grocery store, not a drug store, but I felt...ugh...so just kinda..left)

I get how you felt. Rude, rude, rude and with no graciousness.









Pleeeeeeeaaase please please please please take a box of Godiva to a meeting and be sure to tell her you got it at a grocery store and that you couldn't possibly let her have any. Please????

(To be perfectly honest, I did manage to lose 15lbs at one point just by only eating fancy dark chocolate (okay, hershey's special dark instead of snickers,







), so I would probably have declined the almonds too at that point, but if I said anything beyond "no, thank you" it would've been "I'm only eating dark chocolate right now, although those do look yummy, more for everyone else!"


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Huh, would've saved you time if she'd told you "my kid will only eat junk food and I only let him eat junk food that comes with a label that lets me feel less guilty."


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## MamaJenese (Aug 14, 2006)

You were beyond nice and she was beyond rude.. I would never have her back..


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## HeliMom (Jan 14, 2010)

In most situations I try to see it from the other person's point of view but truly this has me baffled. This woman was extremely rude. I would not call your response sensitive at all. She was rude and nasty.


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## LaLaLaLa (Oct 29, 2007)

She was completely rude. However, it seems like you were really eager to have her and her son eat something, anything. Maybe she thought that not feeding her kid at your party was making you uncomfortable, so she'd better find something acceptable. I would never offer to leave my child's birthday party in order to cook a grilled-cheese. I'd assume that everyone coming to the party would know the type of food and would either eat it or not.

I don't take it personally when people don't eat my food, and I don't bend over backward to offer them alternatives. If they are that picky, they should bring their own food to begin with. Maybe that's why I'm never gossiped about as being a really awesome hostess.


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

Rude, crude chickster. Oh and obviously has boundary issues. Seriously, who goes into other people's cabinets scrounging for food? And 3 bowls of ice cream? GMAFB.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Thanks for the great replies. To top it all off, I received a very mean spirited email from her today telling me that she is insulted I called to tell her I was offended just because she didn't eat our pizza. I was told I am too "thin-skinned". She mentioned the amount of travel time she and her family had to make to come to the party and mentioned they stayed longer than they cared to AND, to add insult to injury, she reiterated the fact that she does not eat greasy food because it makes her stomach queasy. And felt the need to mention again that organic pizza is better than conventional pizza.

I replied that I think she needs to read a book on class because she does not have any and in addition to no longer being welcome at my home, she is also not a friend of mine and need not contact me further. I also deleted her on facebook. Just don't want that negative energy and attitude around me.


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## Stephenie (Oct 11, 2007)

Okay, I really, really wanted to see her point of view, because we're usually the people at parties that can't/ won't eat the food. (My son has several allergies/ sensitivities) but she was over the top. I am sorry you had to go through that! We always bring a few snacks with us and we would have been thrilled with how many options you were attempting to provide. She seems a bit nutty. Sorry


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## Birdie B. (Jan 14, 2008)

She was TOTALLY rude, you are correct there. But I don't understand why you called her to tell her she was rude? That in itself is not very polite. How did you expect her to respond? Next time, just make a mental note to never invite the person over again, and leave it at that.
The party sounds great, by the way. We love pizza and ice cream!


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Birdie B.* 
She was TOTALLY rude, you are correct there. But I don't understand why you called her to tell her she was rude? That in itself is not very polite. How did you expect her to respond? Next time, just make a mental note to never invite the person over again, and leave it at that.
The party sounds great, by the way. We love pizza and ice cream!

yeah, that's where you lost me too. Saying things to her like she is no longer welcome in your home? She needs to read a book on class? and then you defriended her because you don't need someone negative like her in your life?


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Birdie B.* 
She was TOTALLY rude, you are correct there. But I don't understand why you called her to tell her she was rude? That in itself is not very polite. How did you expect her to respond? Next time, just make a mental note to never invite the person over again, and leave it at that.
The party sounds great, by the way. We love pizza and ice cream!

I see your point but I called to tell her I was offended. I didn't call her to tell her she was rude.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *artgoddess* 
yeah, that's where you lost me too. *Saying things to her like she is no longer welcome in your home? She needs to read a book on class? and then you defriended her because you don't need someone negative like her in your life?*


Yes, I said these things to her after the email I got from her post our telephone conversation. I stand by the email response to her and I am okay with it.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

I'd be irritated by her not mentioning anything beforehand, but then going through your pantry and helping herself to food (also by the multiple helpings of ice cream).

BUT in regards to her comment, you *asked* her why she didn't eat what you served. If you didn't want to hear the response (I mean, really, couldn't you have guessed that she had some sort of problem with what you were serving since they wouldn't eat any of it?) then you shouldn't have asked the question.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
I'd be irritated by her not mentioning anything beforehand, but then going through your pantry and helping herself to food (also by the multiple helpings of ice cream).

BUT in regards to her comment, you *asked* her why she didn't eat what you served. If you didn't want to hear the response (I mean, really, couldn't you have guessed that she had some sort of problem with what you were serving since they wouldn't eat any of it?) then you shouldn't have asked the question.









That's all fine and all but her response was rude. She could have said, "I don't eat conventional pizza" or "I don't eat pizza." Period.I don't have a problem with honesty but I do have an issue with nastiness particulary when it is not necessary


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

I feel that it's a bit of both rudeness on her part and over reactions on your part.

Going through your pantry was definitely rude. She may have been clueless enough to view your offer of "can I find you something else" to be an open invite to the kitchen.
Calling the pizza "greasy" was more blunt than out right rude. Pizza often is greasy, even if it is good pizza. Speaking as someone with gallbladder issues, it is different from the fat in ice cream in how it can effect the stomach, so I wouldn't necessarily doubt her concern over it upsetting her stomach.
Eating 3 bowls of ice cream being rude or not depends on whether everyone was being offered extra servings of ice cream and the only reason it bugged you with them was b/c it was different ice cream, or if all the other kids were only served one serving of the regular ice cream. If the other kids were being offered all the ice cream they wanted, then it wasn't rude for them to take a similar amount, but if everyone else got one serving then the regular ice cream went away, extra servings for one kid was rude.
Wanting organic versions of "junk" food is not inherretly rude. Many people aren't overly concerned about the fat and sugar calories that people have used for generations, but are bothered by the very scary chemicals in our food. It probably mostly seemed rude b/c she was already being rude by going into your pantry and the way she said it.
Calling her to tell her she offended you was rude.
She may have thought your family normally ate organic ice cream and generally ate organic (she saw what was in your pantry after all) and thought that you had only bought non-organic food for guest. This may have felt rude to her, she may have felt like you didn't feel your guests were important enough to have your usual expensive organic food.
Emailing her back is an unnecessary escalation of matters. Just marking the email as spam so you filters would catch any future emails would have been sufficient.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

She was rude at the party (although I wouldn't ask a guest why they weren't eating the food offered, I would just ignore it), but you both are contributing to the situation at this point.


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## lalemma (Apr 21, 2009)

Do people not learn how to behave anymore? In what universe is poking around in a host's kitchen uninvited even remotely acceptable? I don't care what your special-snowflake food issues are - that's not okay. If your family only eats organic tofu made by the light of the full moon, fantastic, you still don't get to act like you grew up in a barn.

I would write this person off as a complete nutball and not trouble myself with it any further.


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## ancoda (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
I feel that it's a bit of both rudeness on her part and over reactions on your part.

Going through your pantry was definitely rude. She may have been clueless enough to view your offer of "can I find you something else" to be an open invite to the kitchen.
Calling the pizza "greasy" was more blunt than out right rude. Pizza often is greasy, even if it is good pizza. Speaking as someone with gallbladder issues, it is different from the fat in ice cream in how it can effect the stomach, so I wouldn't necessarily doubt her concern over it upsetting her stomach.
Eating 3 bowls of ice cream being rude or not depends on whether everyone was being offered extra servings of ice cream and the only reason it bugged you with them was b/c it was different ice cream, or if all the other kids were only served one serving of the regular ice cream. If the other kids were being offered all the ice cream they wanted, then it wasn't rude for them to take a similar amount, but if everyone else got one serving then the regular ice cream went away, extra servings for one kid was rude.
Wanting organic versions of "junk" food is not inherretly rude. Many people aren't overly concerned about the fat and sugar calories that people have used for generations, but are bothered by the very scary chemicals in our food. It probably mostly seemed rude b/c she was already being rude by going into your pantry and the way she said it.
Calling her to tell her she offended you was rude.
She may have thought your family normally ate organic ice cream and generally ate organic (she saw what was in your pantry after all) and thought that you had only bought non-organic food for guest. This may have felt rude to her, she may have felt like you didn't feel your guests were important enough to have your usual expensive organic food.
Emailing her back is an unnecessary escalation of matters. Just marking the email as spam so you filters would catch any future emails would have been sufficient.









eepster said it better then I could. She was very rude, but you seem to keep wanting to make it worse.


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## sleepingbeauty (Sep 1, 2007)

I would NEVER go through someone else's kitchen like that! You weren't being sensitive--they were being RUDE RUDE RUDE!!!! How DARE she act like that? If it were me in your shoes, I'd strike this family from any future guest lists.









Edit: I just read the whole thing (sorry, I should have done that before opening my mouth!) and I'm glad you are backing away from her. Don't email or call anymore. There're no point.


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## daytripper75 (Jul 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cascadian* 
I brought some snacks to a meeting the other day - I was on the run, didn't have time to get anything from a nicer store, but bought seed and dried fruit mix....and some chocolate covered almonds (just cuz I thought it would be nice).

A woman I offered them to said "Oh, I don't eat drugstore chocolate." (It was a grocery store, not a drug store, but I felt...ugh...so just kinda..left)

I get how you felt. Rude, rude, rude and with no graciousness.

Why do people think snobbery is acceptable these days?


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Oh man... that is beyond rude!!!

I am on a very strict diet & DS eats only what I eat... so needless to say, we are very limited when attending events... but one, I always try to find SOMETHING I can eat so the host won't feel offended (why couldn't she eat the salad? or the fruit? That's not greasy!) and 2, I would never go rooting around in someone's kitchen, even if it's extended family, and 3, if I was still hungry (which I often am) I would keep my mouth shut, not ask for directions to a store and put down the food you've served!!!

Wow I just can't believe that...


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

She was rude! You offered up front. You offered other things. Beyond that you owe her them nothing she crossed the line on rudeness.


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## FishBounce (Dec 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 
I don't care what your special-snowflake food issues are - that's not okay. If your family only eats organic tofu made by the light of the full moon, fantastic, you still don't get to act like you grew up in a barn.

.










That was just hilarious.

To the OP: Yeah, she was rude. Seriously, if I caught someone digging through my cabinets, I'd have words for them. Not so nice words.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I think a lot of the things she did were rude. However, I think you were rude after the fact, too. Telling someone they lack class generally does more to reflect on the speaker's class than the listener.


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## r&mmommy (Oct 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
I think a lot of the things she did were rude. However, I think you were rude after the fact, too. Telling someone they lack class generally does more to reflect on the speaker's class than the listener.


This.
Yes, she was rude. But if I invite someone to my home and they behave that way - I think they are not "my" people and distance myself.
Why does everything have to be a confrontation?
Let it go.


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## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
I feel that it's a bit of both rudeness on her part and over reactions on your part.

She may have thought your family normally ate organic ice cream and generally ate organic (she saw what was in your pantry after all) and thought that you had only bought non-organic food for guest. This may have felt rude to her, she may have felt like you didn't feel your guests were important enough to have your usual expensive organic food.

I have to disagree with this one. The guest may have felt offended by not being served organic ice cream, but she would NEVER have known if she hadn't rudely gone poking through the pantry. The OP can't be held responsible for that. Now, if she had served her own child organic ice cream and then dished out some cheap stuff for everyone else, that would be rude, but that's not what happened here.


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## emma00 (Jan 14, 2003)

I think your guest was rude and I don't think you were sensitive for seeing her behaviour as rude; however, I think you could have responded to her rudeness in a better way. Our society is so filled with rude people that if we meet every act of rudeness with an act of rudeness of our own (however justified) we just lower ourselves to their standard of conduct.

In your situation I would have vented to my mum or a friend about what a rude guest she was and then let it go. I wouldn't invite her over again and would politely decline any invitations that might come from her. I have no interest in "friends" like that.

For future parties where you are the hostess I would be generous but set boundaries that the food you are serving is what's on offer.


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## MLinPDX (Jun 22, 2006)

She was rude, you didn't need to follow up but given that you did, and she replied, I have to admit that this:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
I replied that I think she needs to read a book on class because she does not have any

made me laugh out loud.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Sounds like simple bad manners to me.


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## Kelly1101 (Oct 9, 2008)

I'm another one curious about how she interpreted salad as "greasy food."


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## tommynomad (Apr 12, 2010)

Poor kid.

I don't even mind that the woman didn't want any of the party food. But going through your kitchen? WTF?!? Her parting shot about greasy food was way over the line, too.

Good on you for phoning her and calling her on her rudeness, BTW. People need to know what boors they are. I would have firmly asked her and her kid to leave when it became apparent why she felt she could root through the kitchen as if it was her own.


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kelly1101* 
I'm another one curious about how she interpreted salad as "greasy food."

Maybe she thought the hostess had pre-dressed the salad with some sort if oil and vinegar based dressing. It's not uncommon at parties for hosts to pre-toss a salad with dressing. If the guests tummy just can't handle any oil at all then, salad dressing is out.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *r&mmommy* 
This.
Yes, she was rude. But if I invite someone to my home and they behave that way - I think they are not "my" people and distance myself.
Why does everything have to be a confrontation?
Let it go.

And why can't there be more honesty in North American culture? I would much rather know if I offended someone than wonder why someone was "distancing" themselves from me.


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## Happiestever (May 13, 2007)

I haven't read anything else but my first thought is that this person wouldn't eat greasy food but will load up on sugar? 3 bowls of ice cream are you kidding, and fruit leathers beforehand. WOW. Sorry you had a bad experience. Next time you see people not eating let em starve. Just kidding ~ well kinda. Allergies are one thing, preferences are another. Don't like it, don't complain.

ETA: read everything. People suck sometimes. Good for you for distancing yourself. Next time just vent here and leave it at that. Although if they were to ask why then you could tell. Being honest doesn't have to be mean, it can be a turning point in our exchanges with others.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 
Do people not learn how to behave anymore? In what universe is poking around in a host's kitchen uninvited even remotely acceptable? I don't care what your *special-snowflake food issues a*re - that's not okay. If your family only eats organic tofu made by the light of the full moon, fantastic, you still don't get to act like you grew up in a barn.

I would write this person off as a complete nutball and not trouble myself with it any further.


The highlighted made me laugh so hard. I love that. Thanks for the great comment and for a new phrase I'll be using.

While I don't agree with people who said I never should have said something to her, I do appreciate the comments. I personally prefer to have a conversation with someone rather than just write them off particularly if the offense wasn't on purpose. There have been instances when I have offended someone inadvertently and had they not shared their feelings with me and just wrote me off, me and said person may have both lost a good relationship. If I have offended someone by accident I personally want to know so I can be given the chance to apologize.

I think honesty is important but I don't think it's necessary to be rude. I also 100% stand by my email response to her and my decision to call her. To the poster who said my saying that is a reflection of me not having class, I say







.

Lalemma, I totally agree about writing her off and I have.

I think it's funny that people are saying I escalated things by saying something. I think it's cowardly for people to distance themselves from a person and not have the guts to tell them why. I said how I feel. Why is it okay for people to be honest but I should stand around offended and not say why?









I said what I had to say.She said what she had to say. She's not someone I want in my life and she probably feels the same way about me. End of story. I've got "greasy" pizza to eat for Mother's Day.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Happiestever* 
I haven't read anything else but my first thought is that this person wouldn't eat greasy food but will load up on sugar? 3 bowls of ice cream are you kidding, and fruit leathers beforehand. WOW. Sorry you had a bad experience. Next time you see people not eating let em starve. Just kidding ~ well kinda. Allergies are one thing, preferences are another. Don't like it, don't complain.

ETA: read everything. People suck sometimes. Good for you for distancing yourself. Next time just vent here and leave it at that. Although if they were to ask why then you could tell. Being honest doesn't have to be mean, it can be a turning point in our exchanges with others.

Great post. Thank you!


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

Oh WOW that is BEYOND RUDE! No, I would NOT invite that person back. Not in a million years. I am the same as you, as long as it is not pork my kids can eat it, espeically at a party.

now myself, I would just eat a little of the food made available by the hosts of a party if it was not my first choice. (like, for example, I'm not big on hotdogs right now, a pregnant thing, so I might, if I wasn't "into" eating that that day just say 'oh I had lunch at home' and munch on some chips, fruit, crackers whatever else was available. And then without saying anything to YOU I'd probably go home and eat. because I wouldn't want you to feel bad about something that really isn't your problem.

if the kid was allergic to wheat or something I could see the icecream thing but to say the cake has too much sugar and then THREE BOWLS of expensive ice cream? no. NOT coming back to my house.


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## r&mmommy (Oct 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
And why can't there be more honesty in North American culture? I would much rather know if I offended someone than wonder why someone was "distancing" themselves from me.

You're kidding, right? It seems like everything is cause for confrontation these days. I thought the guests behavior was appalling, and went way beyond a simple misunderstanding. And it would have been one thing had the OP said her feelings were hurt by x,y, or z and left it at that. But she didn't.

Quote:

ETA: read everything. People suck sometimes. Good for you for distancing yourself. Next time just vent here and leave it at that. *Although if they were to ask why then you could tell. Being honest doesn't have to be mean, it can be a turning point in our exchanges with others*.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

I think she was rude too OP. There are plenty of times when we bring DS special food (organic and healthier than we know the options will be depending on where we go) but i would never do/say anything like that guest did. I just quietly give ds his snacks and that's it.

I do have a question though? What do you people have against pork









You can get organic pork you know









Just had to ask because like 3 ppl said their kid can eat anything but pork. I don't think of pork as being extremely unhealthy eaten in moderation of course.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"Do people not learn how to behave anymore? In what universe is poking around in a host's kitchen uninvited even remotely acceptable? I don't care what your special-snowflake food issues are - that's not okay. If your family only eats organic tofu made by the light of the full moon, fantastic, you still don't get to act like you grew up in a barn."

LOL

What really gets me is what this benighted woman is teaching her CHILD about food etiquette. She's teaching her child to criticize food served to him by others in a social context. I would seriously rather see my kids go hungry for a few hours than fail to reinforce basic human customs about social food consumption.

I think it's good that we've loosened up enough in the past couple of decades to allow a little snack in Mom's purse for the picky toddler. But it enrages me to see parents not move on from that when their kid is, you know, FIVE. That's the age for learning to deal discreetly with your special-snowflake issues, not for learning the extensive put-down vocabulary that Mom employs towards other people's party foods as she is scrounging through their cabinets.


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## hteb83 (Dec 24, 2002)

Yep, it was rude (and odd).

I just don't believe how some people behave! I expect most people would never look through cupboards to help themselves to food unless the host specifically said so. I actually think I would have confronted the mother at this point - but then I can be argumentative!

And if I / my children were picky then I'd take something along with me, rather than be rude about the food available! (I agree - pizza is a great "most people like this, especially at parties food").


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

Wow,3 bowls of ice cream!

Her comments and actions were rude.I would not keep talking to her about it since you might see her in social circles,but I would never have her over again.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
While I don't agree with people who said I never should have said something to her, I do appreciate the comments. I personally prefer to have a conversation with someone rather than just write them off particularly if the offense wasn't on purpose. There have been instances when I have offended someone inadvertently and had they not shared their feelings with me and just wrote me off, me and said person may have both lost a good relationship. If I have offended someone by accident I personally want to know so I can be given the chance to apologize.

...

I think it's funny that people are saying I escalated things by saying something. I think it's cowardly for people to distance themselves from a person and not have the guts to tell them why. I said how I feel. Why is it okay for people to be honest but I should stand around offended and not say why?









I think it depends on how you phrased things in your phone call. Your last sentence resonates with me -- it's similar to something I've voiced here many times -- I can't stand the idea that it's okay for rude people to behave rudely, but when we stand up for ourselves _we're_ the ones "rocking the boat."

But I mostly say that about situations where, for example, a person is being encouraged by their family to not "upset" or "embarrass" an abusive person. For some reason I'm having trouble picturing a way to call someone who was rude about food-related stuff at a party and tell them they're no longer welcome in your home without putting them on the defensive.


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## Kelly1101 (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
Just had to ask because like 3 ppl said their kid can eat anything but pork. I don't think of pork as being extremely unhealthy eaten in moderation of course.

I know several religions don't allow pork...


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
I think she was rude too OP. There are plenty of times when we bring DS special food (organic and healthier than we know the options will be depending on where we go) but i would never do/say anything like that guest did. I just quietly give ds his snacks and that's it.

*I do have a question though? What do you people have against pork*









You can get organic pork you know









Just had to ask because like 3 ppl said their kid can eat anything but pork. I don't think of pork as being extremely unhealthy eaten in moderation of course.

LOL. I wasn't allowed to eat pork growing up per my mothers religion. I'm not religious but my mother shared with me lots of stories about pork and pigs and it's spoiled my appetite to the meat. DH grew up in a family who thinks a house without pork isn't a happy household but he gave it up when he made a decision to eat healthier years ago. It's funny because I keep finding info that supports pork may be healthier than red meat.


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## mouso (Feb 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tommynomad* 

I don't even mind that the woman didn't want any of the party food. But going through your kitchen? WTF?!? Her parting shot about greasy food was way over the line, too.

Good on you for phoning her and calling her on her rudeness, BTW. People need to know what boors they are.

Yep.
I would have just sat and been pissed- good for you for calling her to try to talk about it. Her response(s) allowed you to see she is just like that and now you can avoid her like the plague!


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## MomInCalifornia (Jul 17, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
I think she was rude too OP. There are plenty of times when we bring DS special food (organic and healthier than we know the options will be depending on where we go) but i would never do/say anything like that guest did. I just quietly give ds his snacks and that's it.

I do have a question though? What do you people have against pork









You can get organic pork you know









Just had to ask because like 3 ppl said their kid can eat anything but pork. I don't think of pork as being extremely unhealthy eaten in moderation of course.

I have a number of students who don't eat pork for religious reasons.


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## justKate (Jun 10, 2008)

Bizzare. How do you even spell bizare?

I don't think that sort of person would be very high on my list of potential dinner guests. Or friends. Or family members, for that matter.

Seriously, asking for organic ice cream?! I would tell her to S&%K IT. Is that a UA violation?


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## blizzard_babe (Feb 14, 2007)

I'd have probably held in a giggle, then held in the urge to cry, and then ultimately decided that she wasn't worth any of it.

Honestly, and I don't know a lot about this person given your fairly short description, but she sounds like someone who makes decisions not necessarily based on what she knows/believes to be best, but based on how it compares her favorably to "mainstream" society. She just wants to *sigh* and then go post on a NP internet forum about how "OMFG I WENT TO THIS PARTY AND YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT THEY EXPECTED ME TO FEED MY CHILD! WHO FEEDS CHILDREN PIZZA?! I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE UNEDUCATED BUFFOONS!"

Than again, I have a cousin like this, so I might be projecting. We make very similar parenting decisions, but for very different reasons. I get the distinct impression that she goes home from family events and sighs about what a bunch of mainstream buffoons we are, not because our parenting styles are all that different, but because she just needs to judge herself favorably, not just against her own standards, but against other people.


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## Kelly1101 (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *blizzard_babe* 
I get the distinct impression that she goes home from family events and sighs about what a bunch of mainstream buffoons we are, not because our parenting styles are all that different, but because she just needs to judge herself favorably, not just against her own standards, but against other people.

Ha! I know what you mean.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalemma* 
Do people not learn how to behave anymore? In what universe is poking around in a host's kitchen uninvited even remotely acceptable? I don't care what your special-snowflake food issues are - that's not okay. If your family only eats organic tofu made by the light of the full moon, fantastic, you still don't get to act like you grew up in a barn.

I would write this person off as a complete nutball and not trouble myself with it any further.
































OMG! This is absolutely the funniest post I have read in weeks. Do we have a MDC "funniest quote of the week" thread? Moderators? Can we do this?


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## annarose999 (Feb 5, 2010)

I was raised veg*n so I always had the issue of not being able to eat at parties. I ate what I could and always knew to fill up either before if I was hungry or get something later if I wasn't. I was almost always offered food from the cabinets/fridge and occasionally I'd accept, but NEVER would I assume I had the right to go through them myself. Even when some people said to 'help yourself' I wouldn't - feels too weird rifling through other people's belongings.









What your guest did is thoughtless and yes rude, though I doubt she sees it that way. I'm glad you called and talked to her. Now you know what kind of person she really is.


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## Qbear'smama (Jul 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gbailey* 
I personally prefer to have a conversation with someone rather than just write them off particularly if the offense wasn't on purpose. There have been instances when I have offended someone inadvertently and had they not shared their feelings with me and just wrote me off, me and said person may have both lost a good relationship. If I have offended someone by accident I personally want to know so I can be given the chance to apologize.

I think it's cowardly for people to distance themselves from a person and not have the guts to tell them why. I said how I feel. Why is it okay for people to be honest but I should stand around offended and not say why?









I agree with this, I think there is always the chance someone has acted inappropriately inadvertently and it is good to be honest about how their behaviour made you feel and they get the chance to explain and/or apologize. But I tend to reserve that for friends whose companionship I value, so that I won't stew about something and we can keep being friends. Since you barely knew this woman, I would have just gone straight to "written off". I agree with the majority's sentiments that the OP went out of her way to be accomodating and this guest was rude. And seemingly contradictory in her food choices and rationales for them.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Yes, I think what she did was rude. At the same time, I wonder if she thought she was "helping" you by going into your cupboards. You seem to have offered a huge selection of foods for her child. (Add me to the list who wouldn't offer to make a grilled cheese or PB&J when I had food available.) Perhaps she thought you were bothered by her not eating (many hosts are) and that she would rummage to find something they'd eat. I still think that's rude, but perhaps it's where she was coming from.

Now, as for the after-the-fact chats, I think both of you were rude. You asked why she didn't eat, and she told you. I don't get the need to move beyond that. Don't ask if you don't want to know.

As I understand it, you didn't know her well. If someone invited me over for the first time and then called and said, "hey you were rude and offended me," I'd get defensive. Even if that person had a point, I'd still defend myself - vehemently if necessary. So I understand her being mean to you when you called her after the party to tell her you were mad. She did the same, right? She waited and then later emailed you to say she was mad. There's no difference in either of your behavior patterns after the day of the party.


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## Artichokie (Jun 19, 2007)

very rude. we only eat organic/whole foods/no refined sugar but we always bring our own if we even think there might be an issue. We've brought our own pizza and ice cream for our family so she wouldn't feel left out and we wouldn't be a burden.

As for the organic ice cream vs. pizza, it may have been the rbgh issue. there would possibly be rbgh in the cheese of the pizza and genetically modified wheat in the crust. The sauce could have corn syrup in it. The ice cream would have been rbgh free and the sugar was most likely cane juice.

Still, she was rude and planning failure on her part should not have become a food emergency on your part.


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## Artichokie (Jun 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
I think she was rude too OP. There are plenty of times when we bring DS special food (organic and healthier than we know the options will be depending on where we go) but i would never do/say anything like that guest did. I just quietly give ds his snacks and that's it.

I do have a question though? What do you people have against pork









You can get organic pork you know









Just had to ask because like 3 ppl said their kid can eat anything but pork. I don't think of pork as being extremely unhealthy eaten in moderation of course.

Pigs are smart like dogs. It makes me uncomfortable to eat them. Just my two cents b/c you asked.


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## Ravensong13 (Sep 28, 2009)

I second the pp's statement about her seeming to eating organic for the 'cool' factor. If she was so worried about the cake being so sweet why in the world would she let her ds eat THREE bowls of ice cream?! I'm vegan and my dd is vegetarian with lactose issues and I ALWAYS check first before we eat at someone's house. I never expect others to cater to our needs and will often bake a small vegan cake or pack snacks for dd and I to bring if it's going to be an issue. I would also never dare even dream of rooting through another person's pantry, I don't even do that at my closest friend's house! Kudos to you for being so gracious about it. I would never invite the woman back.


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## Subhuti (Feb 18, 2005)

I feel she was rude. But is it really THAT big a deal?

Why not just laugh about it?

Liz


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kelly1101* 
I know several religions don't allow pork...

like ours----note the smiley in the sig line. I just heard my son telling his friend today that we don't celebrate Christmas, I'm sure next I'll hear him telling about pepperoni pizza


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

speaking of, if I'd been in attendance and you served pepperoni pizza without realizing that most pepperoni is pork, like some people do...or not realizing we don't eat it, because you didn't know us that well yet, or whatever. I would've *nicely* told you, if asked, why we were not eating the pizza and enjoyed your ice cream and cake.

I've also been known to just straight up ask before the party and make our issues known. Then either people know to accomodate us (my kids will eat cheese pizza happily as will most kids I know...) or we might show up after the pizza having eaten our own and enjoy dessert.









oh and since we don't eat *any* pork, my kids also don't eat things like gummy bears and non-kosher or halal marshmallows--gelatin.







Or Starburts, and until recently, Skittles. (I keep waiting for Starburst to do what Skittles have done and nix the gelatin...)


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peaceful_mama* 
oh and since we don't eat *any* pork, my kids also don't eat things like gummy bears and non-kosher or halal marshmallows--gelatin.







Or Starburts, and until recently, Skittles. (I keep waiting for Starburst to do what Skittles have done and nix the gelatin...)

Totally off topic! This is so interesting to me. As a meat/pork/everything eater, I haven't had to think about these things. Interesting to hear about issues I would have never considered - like there being meat, or meat by-products, in a candy.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

She was beyond rude. I cannot imagine.


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## wife&mommy (May 26, 2005)

Sorry I didn't read ALL of the responses. But you said you had pizza & salad. How the heck is SALAD greasy?

She was just rude in more than one way I think. If she was that picky, she should have brought food with her.


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## painefaria (Jul 4, 2007)

we recently attended a party that they were serving pizza, DS has allergies to Wheat/dairy so we brought our own. We wanted him to have the opportunity to eat what the other kids were having but we also needed to know it was safe. I would never expect others to make sure my child had something to eat. She was rude and you went way out of your way


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## Turquesa (May 30, 2007)

OMG, gbailey! Did that woman fly out from Washington state to attend the party? If so, I swear it was my sister!!







She pulls this sort of trick EVERY time she visits.

I'll never forget the time when I made some schmancy crab puffs. She didn't tell me in advance that she was now on a gluten-free diet, but that didn't stop her from pulling out the crabs and leaving the "puffs" behind on the serving tray.







But she also engages in the raid-the-cupboards, nitpick-everything routine that you experienced. Gotta love the control games.









Like the PP said, laugh at it. And have some compassion. There's a saying that the more control somebody needs to exert, the more _out of control_ they are. It's kind of a sad state she's in, when you think about it.


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