# "Is She Yours?"



## AVeryGoodYear (Mar 31, 2009)

Today, my 4 month old daughter and I took the bus out to the local farmer's market. We had a lovely time, and she was really well-behaved. On our way home, a lady sat behind us who was just enamoured of my daughter, and was so sweet and complimentary... but then she asked me:

"Is she yours?"

I can't pinpoint why, but I was SO insulted. Or maybe I just thought it was incredibly rude. My lineage is Polish and I look it: pale skin, blue eyes, blonde hair. My daughter looks like her father: tanned skin, dark eyes, dark hair; she has his nose, his mouth, his ears, EVERYTHING. When we're out as a family, we get a lot of comments about how much she looks like daddy.

My husband thinks it's silly that I thought this woman was rude. I can't get over it. "Is she yours?" I said yes, and the woman sort of laughed like she felt self-conscious and said, "Oh, I guess you're NOT the babysitter then!" I mean, is that normal, to assume that a baby doesn't belong to someone?

Is someone here on my side? Please tell me I'm not loopy!


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

I can understand why you're upset, and it's a stupid question for a stranger to ask. Sounds like she just blurted it out and regretted it afterwards.

On the other hand, in my town there are a lot of nannies and babysitters taking care of kids during the day, and it's sometimes hard to figure out the relationship when you're at the playground or whatever. Usually I don't need to know the relationship (the exception is when a kid falls down and no one's around, so you ask if his mom or nanny or whoever is nearby). So I don't comment or ask about it, even if I'm curious. But sometimes people just aren't thinking, kwim?


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

HATE that question!!! As a biracial child I got to hear my white mother get it often and now that I have a white child I am the one getting it.








: Why is it THEIR concern? So ridiculous.


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## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

Do you happen to look really young?


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

I got that a lot with my first. I also looked like I was about 15 at that point, so it rattled people.


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## holyhelianthus (Jul 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *confustication* 
I got that a lot with my first. I also looked like I was about 15 at that point, so it rattled people.

This is still my DH's problem in public and we are well past number 1


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

I have gotten that so many times. But for me it's a compliment







I look really young and I am very thin. I guess people that have twins aren't suppose to be skinny?? I don't know but I get it a lot.


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## Barefoot~Baker (Dec 25, 2008)

This happened to me once. At the time, I was aware that I didn't look like my girls; my hair was blonde (not naturally







) while my children's hair is brown, and I was wearing dark sunglasses. I was taking them for a walk and stopped to chat with a couple and their baby, and after a few minutes the husband asked if they were my children









He didn't mean anything by it of course


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## not now (Mar 12, 2007)

I get it all the time. I'm Mexican and have a dark blond, pale, blue eyed little boy.







My mom's side is light complected with light eyes, I just happen to take after my dad with the dark hair/eyes, olive skin and wavy hair.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

perhaps she just didn't want to assume anything. i usually ask before I tell someone "your baby/grandbaby/whatever is so cute." because heaven forbid you guess and get it wrong.


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## accountclosed2 (May 28, 2007)

I think it is very rude. As a former nanny, and in an area where there are lots of nannies, I _never_ had anyone ask me that. Everyone just assumed that I was the mother, unless I told them I wasn't! When I cared for three 3yos from two families, everyone assumed I was the mother of triplets. And more than once, while I cared for two boys from different families, after I just told them the boys were "2 and almost 2", people would say "Oh, you had them close together!".

The default, out of respect, should be that whoever is with the children is a parent. Until you are told otherwise. For all you know, the child may be adopted, a step-child or just not look like the parent. And it may not be something they want to discuss with a stranger.

Also, as a nanny there were times when I didn't correct people and just let them assume. Fore example, the cashier might be nice to the little boy, and hand him the paper, saying "what a good boy, you give that to your mum!". I'd just smile and say thanks, and outside of the shop I would assure the LO that we'd give Mummy the paper when she came home from work.

Frankly it is none of their business,


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *liliaceae* 
Do you happen to look really young?









:

I got that when I was 25 and people thought I was 16.

(Ooh, to look young again!)


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## mushka3000 (Aug 25, 2008)

I think its a rude question regardless of how dissimilar a parent-child pair look.
People can be thoughtless and insensitive.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
perhaps she just didn't want to assume anything. i usually ask before I tell someone "your baby/grandbaby/whatever is so cute." because heaven forbid you guess and get it wrong.









:


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

I don't think that it is rude at all. I look after a little girl during the days and I always take her and ds everywhere and people are always assuming she's mine and I always get a kick out of that. I don't know why really, but people will always say "oh, twins!" or they'll say "oh mommy has you two dressed up" or something like that. sometimes I correct them, sometimes I don't bother. It's no big deal. Probably this lady has come across someone like me before who corrected her and now she doesn't want to make the same mistake again.... who knows


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

I use to get the opposite. I'm white, my bestfriend is black and she has twin daughters who are light complected, I mean, they could be mixed (sorta are as thier dad is mixed). Anyway, I cannot count the times I was complimented on my beautiful daughters or asked if they were mine. I was even told that the family resemblence was obvious. I thought it was obvious that I wasnt thier mother, but then you never know. My sil is white and her x is black and her kids are fairly dark though she is anemically white. I also got that with my actual niece who does look remarkably like my son, their fathers (who are brothers) look just like each other and just like their dad plus my nieces mother has similar characteristics to me, same color/type of hair, same basic body build etc.

I also was watching my friends baby, four days younger than ds4, by the pool one day when they were babies and several times got, "Oh, twins!!".

Now, when ds1 was small, I did get people who thought he was my brother, because at 24 I looked 16 and at two he looked four!!

I think its natural to be curious but I would never ask a stranger!! I had a friend once I met becuase our sons did scouts togather, it took a long time for me to feel comfortable enough to ask if her ds's had diffrent fathers. She laughed about it though, but seriously, they didnt look like they were the same race. One was very white and blue eyed, blonde hair while his brother was dark, brown eyes, black hair. They were full brothers same mom, same dad, just one looked like his white mother and one like his hispanic father. I mean they didnt the mixing or blending of both parents at all!! Well, they did of course, but they didnt LOOK it!

Oh, when I got complimented on my "daughters", I always just said Thank You!


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

Ive also seen the opposite where a child was adopted but parents frequently told that the child looked just like them!


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## PretzelMama (Apr 19, 2009)

I've had that too. Funnily enough, when I was a nanny, most people assumed the kids were mine. Now I have one of my own, I get asked "Is she yours?".

I can relate to being sensitive about having your child looking more like their father. I hear over & over & over how much my DD looks like DH, but almost never that she looks like me. It really bothered me at first, but now I'm so used to it that it doesn't bug me as much. It still bugs me a little, though!


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## mom2cash (Sep 24, 2007)

I get this all the time and while I'm dark-haired and my son is very blonde, I think its mostly asked because of how young I look. I still think its rude, even if they're not intending to be... but that's probably because I get the "You look like a teenager" comments a LOT. I can only imagine the reaction I'm going to get with 2.


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## mbhf (Jan 8, 2005)

I got that a lot with my first (and second and third if I was out with just them) and I think it was just because I looked young.


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## MamaStarbird (Oct 21, 2008)

This is a tough question because there are multiple ways "Is she yours" can be interpreted, with accompanying uncomfortable racial baggage.

option 1: she thought you were the babysitter/nanny. You are fair-skinned (and young-looking?), your daughter is tan/dark-haired. Annoying but not necessarily coming from a negative place.

option 1a (not applicable in your particular situation): You are the tan, dark-haired one and your daughter is the fair one. The woman is still assuming you're the nanny but this time the woman may be asking based on assumptions about race and childcare--a person of color with a fair-skinned child? She must be the help. Not necessarily a conscious thought by the woman, just some ingrained prejudice.

option 2: she thought your daughter was adopted. Pretty clearly offensive in my mind, since even if you didn't give birth to your daughter, she's still your daughter. (Yes, she followed up with "Oh, not the babysitter then" but who knows if that's what she was thinking)

And regardless of where the woman's question was coming from, it's going to hurt that protective mama bear instinct to have people doubt that your baby is _yours_.


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## AVeryGoodYear (Mar 31, 2009)

I'm 26 and haven't ever been carded while buying alcohol, so I assume I look somewhere around my age









Thinking on it more, I don't believe I was really insulted, just shocked at how rude the question was. Interesting spectrum of responses here!

And yes, MamaStarbird, I think you hit the nail on the head -- of COURSE she's my baby, how dare anyone not realize that immediately? Hehee!


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
perhaps she just didn't want to assume anything. i usually ask before I tell someone "your baby/grandbaby/whatever is so cute." because heaven forbid you guess and get it wrong.









: I have people as me if DS is my first a lot, always struck me as odd, do I look scared or something!?







. They always ask "how old is your baby?" I guess that would be my cue to say "he's my nephew" or whatever if he wasn't *mine*


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## Eclipsepearl (May 20, 2007)

I get this all the time.

I live in France and not only do my kids all look like my much-darker husband but now that they're older, my kids don't have an accent and I do.

The French are more discreet than N. Americans but here are a few;

"Madame, it's very nice of you to offer to take her home but we need to call her mother first". (His coworkers enjoyed that one and he got a major ribbing for it!)

The grocery store at check-out;
"Don't put that there! Those things belong to _this_ woman"
"No, it's okay..."
"It is NOT okay. That little boy was trying to put his gum with your things so that you'd have to pay for them..."

My favorite. Now granted, I was taking a tourist boat with my son in the city where we live. The boat driver makes small talk asking me how I like living in France. Later in the conversation, I mention having a husband.

"Husband?!? I didn't realize."
"Well, that's how I got this baby"
"I didn't realize he was yours'. I thought you were an _au pair girl_ because of your accent! Apologies!"
"Don't apologize! I'm 36 years old. You _made my day_!!!!"

What's funny is that my dark skinned, black haired, young-looking father used to get that comment when he was out with me and now it's the opposite.

Personally, I think biracial children get this less because people are keen to international adoptions and mixed-race marriages. I think I throw them off because both my husband and I are white and Jewish, but I'm not 100% so I look more "goyish" as we say. People think we're a mixed _religion_ couple ourselves which is kind of true, just not our generation. My sister is not as light as I am but much more typically Jewish-looking. For the record, I never knew the non-Jewish branch of our family.

I don't mind the "Are they yours'?" question as much as the "You're Jewish?!?" which does get a bit annoying, but maybe just because I've had that question put to me three decades before I became a parent lol!


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## Asher (Aug 21, 2004)

Mine all look like DH and there are a lot of them. I get "Are they yours?" or "Are they all yours?" all the time, but I think that's more about how many there are than anything.


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## kcstar (Mar 20, 2009)

The first time I got those sorts of reactions, I was 14 and spending the summer looking after my 3-year-old cousin. My family runs to towhead blonde when we're young, that usually darkens as we get to adolescence / adulthood. I'm unusual for having stayed blonde into my twenties (I've only recently admitted that my hair is more light brown now.)

So 14 year old girl with long blonde hair, 3 year old girl with long blonde hair, walking the mall together, I got a LOT of *strange* looks. Nobody ever asked, but I think most people assumed I was a teenage mother!

So fast forward many years. My husband's hair is dark, and our son was born with dark hair, and a face shaped more like DH's. The first 8 months plus, most people would say how much he looked like DH, "He couldn't deny him if he wanted to!"

I always had mixed feelings with that. DS got my eyes, and of course I want him to claim something of mine. Sometimes it feels like by saying he looks just like one or the other of us, it's almost denying the other one's parenthood.

Well, then, as DH got a little older, he also went towhead blonde. So now I do get "He looks just like you" remarks, and you'd think I'd be happy about it. Sometimes I am. I think it depends on who he's with, we seem to get those remarks about equally now.

DH always says "DS looks like DS" and leaves it at that. He doesn't need to look like either of us.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

I don't think it is particularly offensive, but definitely annoying. To the OP, I see your little one is only 4 months old. This is only the beginning - if this is the most offensive thing a stranger ever says to you, count your lucky stars.

I really don't get it. I think that the only appropriate thing for strangers to say is to ask how old they are, maybe their name, and then comment on how beautiful they are..... and walk away. I mean really, WHY do people feel the need to come up with all of these probing questions.

I think the worst for me (so far) was when we stopped at a fast food restaurant for lunch on a long road trip. My babe was sitting in a high chair (snacking on fruit I brought from home for her) and was making faces at a lady a few tables over. After she finished the lady came over and did the whole "how old is she" thing, and then says to me:

"Well, I'll give you a couple of more months, but then you need to make another one."

WHAT???

I am still dumbfounded. I wasn't particularly offended, but I keep thinking about what if babygirl was adopted because I couldn't carry babies myself? What if I only had her after years of fertility treatments? What if we already WERE trying to get pregnant again and it wasn't working out? What if I hemmoraged during childbirth and had to have a hysterectomy and couldn't have more babies??

There are a million circumstances where that comment could have been very hurtful and upsetting. None of them currently apply to me, but I REALLY hope that lady doesn't go around saying to everyone she meets.

On the original topic, I frequently go out with my brown hair, brown eyed 11mo and my day care kids - a 2yo mixed girl who takes after her AA father, and a nearly 3yo boy with very blond hair and striking blue eyes. People ALWAYS assume they are all mine. So I don't get it.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

I really think that if someone is sensitive about a subject, they're going to find rudeness where there isn't any. I don't think what the woman asked was rude at all.

Just yesterday, I was out to breakfast with DH, and ran into a woman who works in the kitchen at the restaurant where I work. She is Guatemalan and doesn't speak much English, but the few exchanges we've had have been very nice. She's a sweet lady. She was carrying a baby and stopped by my table to say hello on her way out of the diner. The baby looked Hispanic and could very well have been hers. I said "Very cute. Your baby?" She said "No, my niece."

I asked her because I don't know anything about her family; not because she looked too old, or too young, or the baby was a different color. And as it turns out, the baby wasn't hers. People *do* hold and take care of other people's babies.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

I get this CONSTANTLY....especially in the grocery....This is me and my baby this past Memorial Day:

http://i720.photobucket.com/albums/w...s/IMG_4984.jpg

"Oh, how nice that you two are so close...you know all my children had nannies and none of them were so close!" (I get this sentiment a lot when I wear her around...we live in a wealthy area, the "nanny" comments are insane!)

"Oh, how great that she seems to take to you...her mother must be jealous!"

"Wow, she must look like her father, huh?" - THIS ONE, I don't mind...because it's true. She looks like a sack of flour, with her dada's face plastered to the front of it.

My eyes are green, dark curly hair, darker skin....she is incredibly fair skinned, with brilliant blue, like DENIM eyes and sandy-ish hair...it's just gonna happen! Yeah, it drives me nuts...but you know? They always say how pretty she is, how close we seem, etc...so, I don't know. I tend to talk myself down from being too upset, you know? I live in New Hampshire...it's pretty white up here, a lot of people don't know how to handle wondering whether she is mine or not...granted, it's none of their business, but if I can be an ambassdor, if Ican blaze a new trail around here and direct people in the appropriate way to comment on a child they think is beautiful, who doesn't look like her mother...then okay. I'm think skinned, maybe, when I show people a better way to "wonder", the next time they come across a "thin skinned" mama, that mama won't have her feelings hurt, you know?

I dont know....I think people are just attracted to babies and are a little nosey and say silly things. It's unfortunate....but at least if they say it, hear it coming out of their mouth...they can say to themselves "Hey, that didn't sound right" and THINK about it, you know? Whereas, if they keep it to themselves, maybe they ARE making a judgement and will continue to judge because they just can't even hear how weird it sounds, because it's only ever in their head?


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## RiverTam (May 29, 2009)

When someone asks me if my kids are mine, I just laugh and say "Yep. Made them myself."


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AVeryGoodYear* 
Today, my 4 month old daughter and I took the bus out to the local farmer's market. We had a lovely time, and she was really well-behaved. On our way home, a lady sat behind us who was just enamoured of my daughter, and was so sweet and complimentary... but then she asked me:

"Is she yours?"

I can't pinpoint why, but I was SO insulted. Or maybe I just thought it was incredibly rude. My lineage is Polish and I look it: pale skin, blue eyes, blonde hair. My daughter looks like her father: tanned skin, dark eyes, dark hair; she has his nose, his mouth, his ears, EVERYTHING. When we're out as a family, we get a lot of comments about how much she looks like daddy.

My husband thinks it's silly that I thought this woman was rude. I can't get over it. "Is she yours?" I said yes, and the woman sort of laughed like she felt self-conscious and said, "Oh, I guess you're NOT the babysitter then!" I mean, is that normal, to assume that a baby doesn't belong to someone?

Is someone here on my side? Please tell me I'm not loopy!

I didn't read the other replies.

I had this happen several times when my boys were little. I am olive skinned, dark hair, darkish eyes. My boys were born with blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes. They look like their dad.

I think I was a bit taken aback at first when I heard these comments, but I chose to assume the intent of the person who asked was benign. They were just making conversation and not trying to insult me. So I would smile and say they take after their dad. No biggie.

There are a lot of children who are out with babysitters, nannies or other family members. You just never know.

And in general I think most people are nice and they are just passing the time, admiring the children and making a little conversation.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

I used to get this all the time when DD was a baby, once I was even asked if she was adopted. Now that she is 4 and screams 'mommy mommy mommy' when running to me all the time, people just ask where she got that beautiful, blond hair. Mine is extremely dark brown. A couple of times I said the mailman but usually I just tell them that DH and my hair were both blond as babies and darkened up as we got older. It does get annoying though so I usually say she got her dad's hair.


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## jeteaa (Jan 23, 2007)

when it comes to moms and our babies..... we are very sensitive to most comments. But think, some day you may be in the grocery store with a 3 yr old screaming for cookies and when you get dirty looks from those moms, you know the kind that say my dc never act like that, you may just want to say "she is not mine"....LOL


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Oh I just wanted to add that DH is friends with some grad students that are here from China and they didn't know that hair could change color. They were shocked when I said that I was blond as a baby. I guess it is just something that isn't usual in China.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:

I am still dumbfounded. I wasn't particularly offended, but I keep thinking about what if babygirl was adopted because I couldn't carry babies myself? What if I only had her after years of fertility treatments? What if we already WERE trying to get pregnant again and it wasn't working out? What if I hemmoraged during childbirth and had to have a hysterectomy and couldn't have more babies??
I had this very thing happen to me and my baby IS adopted. It didnt bother me at all. Like a PP, i dont think its necessary to read "rudeness" into situations where people are just trying to be nice. My brother and i (both white) were sitting in a restaurant when an AA woman and her (presumably) mother, an elderly AA lady, walked past our booth. The older lady said, about my son, "ooooh he is just beautiful! Look at those curls! You need to make another one just like him!" I wasnt offended...she was saying that my baby was so adorable i should have another one. Not an option for me of course, and i can understand how someone who deals with the pain of infertility might be upset, but why put that all on a stranger who was just telling you how cute your baby is?

To me, its a choice to be positive and see the best in people, or to go around feeling offended about every little thing. Now, if the person truly is rude, calls your baby names, or is clearly racist, yeah, get upset. But asking if thats your baby....hmmm...IMO not worth getting upset over.

My older son has red hair. He got this red hair from recessive genes on both sides of the family. I cannot tell you how many times in the past 12 years i have heard some variation of "Where'd he get that red hair??" (does his father have red hair, etc etc)....at some point, you just get over it, or you'll be offended all the time.

I recently had an AA foster baby girl who was just a few months younger than my adopted son, and i got alot of "Are they twins??" I got a kick out of saying "No!" with a smile and kept walking, people are easily confused. I dont mind talking with people about foster care or adopting my son, if they seem friendly and open. I have had so many nice conversations this way, with complete strangers in stores. I ran into a woman who asked me about my "twins" and we got to talking, and she told me several times how my son "favors me" (looks like me) even though he is adopted. No problem, i have often had people assume he is my bio child. No shame in that. Maybe when my son is older and can kind of understand the comments, i will feel differently.

I always always assume the baby is the child of the person with the child...i figure you are less likely to offend that way, rather than asking "Are you the grandma/babysitter/sibling?"

Katherine


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalaland42* 
Oh I just wanted to add that DH is friends with some grad students that are here from China and they didn't know that hair could change color. They were shocked when I said that I was blond as a baby. I guess it is just something that isn't usual in China.

This reminds me of when my mom was getting physical therapy, and her therapist asked about all those spots on my son's face, and when they would go away. The therapist was Indian, and at first we didnt know what he meant, but then we realized he was talking about my redhaired son's freckles. He was SHOCKED and somewhat horrified when we told him that they are permanent. It was so funny.

Katherine


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## Masel (Apr 14, 2008)

DD is adopted and I was terrifed of being asked about "Is she yours?". I practiced responses but didn't get to use any since as it turns out she looks a lot like us.
Feel free to use any of these
"Yes and I have the paperwork to prove it."
"OMG. Who are you?" to my baby.
Lick baby's forehead "She is now."
I was especially sad to not get to use the last one.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Your situation is kind of the flipside of mine. I'm dark-skinned, with dark eyes and hair. My DD is white white white with light brown/streaks of strawberry blonde hair so I OFTEN get asked if I run a dayhome or people assume I'm the nanny. With older folks I'm a bit more forgiving, their generation didn't have a lot of interracial families...with the younger ones...I'm polite but annoyed. Or I'll make a joke out of it..."it sure felt like she was mine when I had her!"

But yeah, every once in a while I get to a point where I'm sick of hearing about it.


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## AVeryGoodYear (Mar 31, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Masel* 
Lick baby's forehead "She is now."
I was especially sad to not get to use the last one.

BEST. RESPONSE. EVER.

Now I hope someone asks me again if she's mine!


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Even though I think DD and I look a lot alike I get this all of the time and it bothers me every time but usually, I am asked if I am the babysitter. It always bothers me.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Masel* 
DD is adopted and I was terrifed of being asked about "Is she yours?". I practiced responses but didn't get to use any since as it turns out she looks a lot like us.
Feel free to use any of these
"Yes and I have the paperwork to prove it."
*"OMG. Who are you?" to my baby.
Lick baby's forehead "She is now."*
I was especially sad to not get to use the last one.

I love that!


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

i get it a fair bit. dd & i don't look particularly alike or unlike, but i am quite young







it doesn't bother me.


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## Draupadi (Jul 19, 2007)

It is very, very rude. I've gotten that several times and no matter how you wash it, it's rude. I'm biracial and my son is multiracial and lighter than me, but he looks very much like me. Our features are pretty much the same and the only differences really are our skin color and hair texture. I actually had a woman say to me "Obviously, you're not his mother" when we were out one time


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## UhOhWhatNow (Jul 21, 2008)

I like the question- because when ever I get it, I say, "Yes, why do you ask?" (with a smile) and they ALWAYS, without missing a beat say: "Because you're so thin!!! You don't look like you just had a baby at all" and I can't deny that yeah, I like that! LOL

If I asked somebody that, it would not have any ill meaning behind it. It would just be making conversation about the sweet, adorable child!







If the child is theirs, I'll usually ask them about their birth experience or something (since mine's so young and it's still a very exciting, empowering thing for me to talk about) or whatever.


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## UhOhWhatNow (Jul 21, 2008)

Now, I'd never ask it because a child appeared biracial. That is rude/stupid! If I DID ask it of such a child, that wouldn't be why!!! In fact, in order to be sure I didn't upset the mom or dad, I'd be LESS likely to ask this of an obviously biracial child.


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## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

I get this a lot! My son is an even darker version of his daddy, and despite looking like me across the eyes and nose, we look only vaguely similar. Then, of course, I'm the palest of pale. I even had the nurse ask who the daddy was when he was born







:


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

My kids are adopted (well, one is and one will be sometime next year) and I never get asked that. I do get asked, from time to time, if my kids are siblings. And well...yes they are. For 19 months and counting.

My neighbor did ask me the other day (as I was chasing my runaway toddler) if she was mine. Odd question since Polliwog's been with us for over a year and a half. And we live in a townhouse and she's seen her with me at least once a day.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
perhaps she just didn't want to assume anything. i usually ask before I tell someone "your baby/grandbaby/whatever is so cute." because heaven forbid you guess and get it wrong.

Yep to this.

My mother (who is young looking herself - she looks about 40 but she's 59) gets "is he your's?" when she's out with my kids or my nephew all the time.

Of course it's none of their business but what is? They ask "How old?" "What's his name?" "Are you in school?" (<- to my older of course) etc. None of those things are their business either, it's small talk and considered normal.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it was because she doesn't look just like you. I got the same question with my oldest and he looks like a mini - me with brown eyes instead of blue.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Masel* 
Lick baby's forehead "She is now."
I was especially sad to not get to use the last one.

Man, now I really WANT someone to ask me! That is too good to go to waste.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Hmph well it can go so many ways! There is no shortage to the methods of complete rudeness and idiocy of strangers when pregnancy, childbirth and child-raising are the focus.

My favourite was a man who tapped DH's shoulder and said, "You need to get a paternity test! That baby looks like her mama but nothing like you!"

"Are you the boyfriend?"

"Did you adopt her or does the father still co-parent?"

"At least we know who the mom is!"

"She's already crawling and you're not pregnant yet?"

The weird thing is that she definitely has characteristics from him and his family. She is the spitting image of my SIL. Like, eerie weird similarity.









My BFF's family adopted two brothers from Russia. She hates how strangers will say, "Oh they look just like daddy!" etc but honestly, they look just like everyone in the family. I can't figure it out!


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## wbg (Mar 28, 2008)

I was always asked that. They kept thinking I was the nanny. Maybe because I was foreign. Now with baby number 4 it hardly happens. I think I look older and more frazzled and less like a carefree baby sitter and more like an overworked Mum







! Oh well...frazzled yes, older yes, more able to not give a crap one way or another by what other people say or think...definitely







!


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

I get this all the time by older women for some reason. Maybe I'm not cute enough to be my (adorable







) DD's mom? She does look a lot like her daddy right now, but I also think she looks like me when she's smiling and goofing off, which she usually is. I figure they think I'm the nanny, since we live near a rather upscale area. And a lot of new moms here are way older than I am, even though I am turning 29 this year (yikes!)

I have no idea what prompts people to ask this. I think it CAN be rude.


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## Mbella (Apr 5, 2007)

I just got that last week! My kids look just like me too! I took them to the children's museum in the middle of the day and it was nanny-central. Most of the kids there were with nannies. One nanny asked me, "Are you an au pair?" I said, "No they are mine." She said that she was suprised because I look so young. I told her I am 31. It made me feel good that someone thinks I still look young, but a little upset that she couldn't clearly see the resemblance between me and my children.


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## zora (Dec 24, 2002)

"learned" to ask first. If you know what I mean.

Recently, at a different playground, a woman asked me "Is he yours?" I said, "Yes." She said, "He looks just like you." (Which he does except for the difference in skin color.) Then she went on to explain that recently she said that a child looked "just like" the adult that the child was with and the adult was offended because it was not his/her child. So this lady was trying to play it safe by asking me "Is he yours?" first. I would have never guessed that was what she was doing except, w/o my asking she explained it. So you never really know what is in someone's mind.

Now that my son is talking, we still get the "Is he yours?" question but it usually is in response to something he has said or an interaction we have had and it is typically followed by the person saying something nice. Since I have been working only part time I have come to appreciate the fact that frequently, during the day, kids are not with one of their biological parents, so the person asking the question is just playing it safe.

Zora


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## Shami (Oct 9, 2007)

Well, how about this one?
"Oh, she is a doll baby! Are you the grandma?"

I don't take it too personally because I do have some grays. I've gotten this comment about four times (I'm not counting, really). I am forty so technically I could be her grandma. I think people are just trying to make conversation and whatever is bobbing through their thoughts at the moment just pops out of their mouth.


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## Hesperia (Sep 3, 2007)

I said that just a few weeks ago, and felt awful.









I'm very sensitive normally, and I have no idea why I said it. I asked this really sweet mama if her daughter was hers (12 months in age). I'm not sure why I asked, maybe it was cause she looked young, but I doubt it since I am younger a nanny and TTC.

I work as a nanny in a very nanny/caregiver neighbourhood, maybe I was trying to make small talk. I have no idea. I was rude and felt awful. She said yes, and I tried to reverse cycle my way out by saying "well of course she is yours, she has your eyes!".

Anyways, good people say dumb things. I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings and will probably never say that again.

That was probably the first time someone had said that to her, because her baby did really look a lot like her. I was just being weird.

Try not to let it upset you. I've been asked my fair share of insulting questions. Shrug them off and keep smiling.


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

I get this comment *all the time* and always take it as a compliment (I couldn't care less how it was intended). I am always proud to say "Yes!"


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

: my dd has v. asian features. my mom and i were like that when v. young. yeah 3 generations look alike. when i have my asian friends with me everyone assumes my dd is my friend's. so i have never been asked that question, yet i have been ignored while my friend has been told what a ____ dd she has.

you know it cracked both of us up. in fact somedays i would hand dd to her and say she could be a mom for a little while while i enjoy being a non mom again for a wee bit.

in fact we used to make bets to see if someone would make that assumption or not.


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## TheGirls (Jan 8, 2007)

I don't know - I get this all the time, and I don't look that young (I'm 28) and DD looks very much like me. I also get "she has your eyes" all the time. She's blue eyed, fair skinned, blonde, I'm blue-eyed, fair-skinned, brown haired. I can't tell her baby pictures from mine. I think people are just trying to figure out the relationships.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:

Lick baby's forehead "She is now."
thats freaking awesome!

mine are older so now when I get that questions its the "um excuse me ma'am . . .is that _your_ child over there" to which I reasond "no, i have never seen that kid before but someone should really talk to her mother . . . . "


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

I've been there, but from a different angle. I was playing with my cousin in a park several years ago, I was ~16 and she was ~3. A Dad was playing with his kid there too and finally made some comment to me like "Your daughter looks so much like you." or something and it really threw me. It was nice to see him be so accepting of someone so young having a baby, but she wasn't







I think it's hard because you can easily be wrong no matter what you say or what assumption you make! I do think it is probably safer to assume the child is the child of the person they are with, but still, it's hard.

And I get that people are thrown when a kid isn't a carbon copy of Mom or Dad, but really, there are plenty of recessive genes that will throw that out of whack and hello adoption


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## crl (May 9, 2004)

I get variations of that question all the time. Of course, DS is Chinese (adopted) and and we are white, so there you go.

I usually just say yes. I've posted DH's response on TAO before, but I'll give again. (He whips this one out when someone is rude/pushy about it.) "My wife cheated on me and I'm trying to move past it. Please stop reminding me."

I love the lick the baby response. . . . .

Catherine


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## amynbebes (Aug 28, 2008)

I would have been bugged too.
I've never gotten that question but I'm actually shocked that I haven't. I get quizical looks but no questions. I'm blonde and fair-skinned and my 3 youngest are dark haired and olive skinned (dh is mexican). What was funny was before we had our 3, it was just myself, dh and my two from a previous marriage, both fair-skinned one blonde and one red haired. We were sitting at a restaurant one time and I could catch bits of conversations of this group of elderly people. I could tell that they were trying to figure us out but it sounded as if they were trying to solve some complex math problem.


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## KissyStarfish (Jun 2, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverTam* 
When someone asks me if my kids are mine, I just laugh and say "Yep. Made them myself."

Cute response.


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## KissyStarfish (Jun 2, 2009)

"I usually just say yes. I've posted DH's response on TAO before, but I'll give again. (He whips this one out when someone is rude/pushy about it.) "My wife cheated on me and I'm trying to move past it. Please stop reminding me.""

Too funny!!!!

"mine are older so now when I get that questions its the "um excuse me ma'am . . .is that your child over there" to which I reasond "no, i have never seen that kid before but someone should really talk to her mother . . "
heheheeee!









My husband is half basque with dark eyes, long fringey lashes, and very dark curly textured hair. I'm pale, and green eyed with straight auburn hair. Both kids have super dark eyes and pretty curls and look a lot like their dad. When we are out together I've had people ask "Oh are you the stepmother?" as I'm carrying my son and and holding my daughters hand. It used to really get to us but now we laugh about it and make wise ass cracks to each other.


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## LilyLiberty (Mar 26, 2009)

My mom is olive skinned with an afro and I'm "see-thru" pale with curly red-blonde hair. Miracle of genetics eh? It never bothered me though. As a kid I was always trying to stick stuff in my mom's hair ... I was jealous


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

I might be able to top the rudness meter on this one...once I was eating dinner outside alone and someone saw my DDs and they asked..."do they have the same father?" Now that's kind of rude...but I do realize that my DDs don't look anything alike either! And I mean, exact opposites. One has my eyes and nose, DH's olive skin and body type. The other, DH's eyes and nose with my pale skin and body type. Very different personalities too!

Even funnier is that our two boys look completely different---one looks just like me, the other looks just like DH. So, go figure. We've got two virtual clones of a parent, and two that are mixes.


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crl* 
I get variations of that question all the time. Of course, DS is Chinese (adopted) and and we are white, so there you go.

I usually just say yes. I've posted DH's response on TAO before, but I'll give again. (He whips this one out when someone is rude/pushy about it.) "My wife cheated on me and I'm trying to move past it. Please stop reminding me."










:

I love it. That's a great response. I'm curious ..what are the expressions on the faces of the people who hear it?


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## RunnerDuck (Sep 12, 2003)

People might just not want to embarrass themselves by making assumptions.

There was a man at my son's football practice I was talking to one night... I noticed he and the woman he was always with had a girl with them... I asked, oh, how old is your daughter? and he kind of jumped a little before answering, which I didn't think was odd until later... when I heard the girl call him "donny" and while listening in on them talking came to gather the kids were HERS and the man and woman didn't have wedding bands... I don't know if he considered them "his" or not but I kind of felt like an ass for assuming. I mean why WOULDN'T you assume, in that situation, but still... So maybe some people just ask, just to be sure, before they inadvertantly insult you by saying "your child" if it isn't... not thinking that checking might be just as insulting to some as being wrong.

My 3 kids look nothing alike - I have a blonde/blue (looks like me) and a dark brown/dark brown (looks like dad) and one who is non-descript light brown and brownish greenish eyes - they're all me and DHs though - I'm surprised I haven't gotten any questions.

Yet.


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## crl (May 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BookGoddess* 







:

I love it. That's a great response. I'm curious ..what are the expressions on the faces of the people who hear it?









He says mostly people turn bright red and leave. One person laughed.

Catherine


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Draupadi* 
It is very, very rude. I've gotten that several times and no matter how you wash it, it's rude.









Oh gosh! I almost asked that question in the target today. There was an older woman standing next to a cart with two kids, and a younger woman standing very close behind her. I assumed, grandma plus mom plus grandkids.

The kid started waving at me, and wanted to talk to the mom. I was about to open my mouth when the 'mom' said to the 'grandma' quite rudely, 'are you in line?, or are you just standing here'.

They weren't together! Sometimes I feel it's better to ask than assume-- It used to really weird me out when people thought I was my brother's mom-- there's only an 8 year difference!


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## Beene (May 19, 2009)

Being someone who doesn't even buy the idea of race (cats come in all colors...yet they're all cats, right? What happened to the HUMAN race?) I get offended by the stupidity too. My son looks just like a mini-papa!
 







I just joke with people now. I tell them I kidnapped him or I just found him somewhere. Return stupidity with stupid answers. Hee hee. I guess as long as I know he's mine (and I DO. I remember pushing the little sucker out.







).

People will say some dumb things. Boy oh boy, will they ever!


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## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

I was asked that question a lot when I worked as a nanny - the little boy actually looked a lot like me, but I looked fairly young. Of course he wasn't mine, so I wasn't offended.


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