# MIL purchased plastic toy - Wrong on so many levels!



## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

Hi Ladies,

I'm having a hard time. We had dinner at our home tonight for the Memorial Day weekend, and my MIL brought my son this:
http://www.amazon.com/BLACK-DECKER-C...2295034&sr=8-3

Now, first of all, I really hate the gender-role implications - that only a "boy" would want something like a chainsaw. Why hasn't she purchased a chainsaw (or any other tool) for my girls - who are older and for whom a toy like this would be more "appropriate?" MY SON IS 6 MONTHS OLD!

Second of all, we don't do plastic OR batteries - MIL has been told this before and usually respects our wishes, so I have no idea where this came from.

Third of all, we try to be ecologically sensitive in this household, and a chainsaw is not exactly our idea of a "green" toy - not only because it's made of plastic but because it represents deforestation and the destruction of non-renewable resources and loss of animal habitat.

I am not sure what to do. Frankly, I am steamed. My husband says we should just return it or give it away - but I feel like something needs to be said. What's next? A toy barbeque? A toy gun? I am so sick of my parenting being undermined by people who are constantly trying to push mainstream toys and ideas on our family.

Guess I'm just feeling down - not sure what to do with this monstrosity







Am I overreacting?

Thanks


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

i think they were probably not at all interested in ndermining your parenting. your parenting ideas may not have even been on their radar. They probably thought it was fun or it may have been on clearance (it does seem kinda random for a six month old.....) who knows. And since it is your husbands parents I would let him handle this in the way he thinks is best. it is just a toy. not something worth starting a war over. Someone else would probably love to have it if you do not want it for your children.


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## sweetpeppers (Dec 19, 2007)

Chainsaws can also be used for taking down dead trees, sustainably harvested trees, cut up fallen trees (or beaver felled trees) for firewood, etc. I think you might be over-reacting a little. We have quite a bit of land, and my brothers and father (and I) do a lot of chainsawing, and I know my son would love something like this (I try to avoid plastic and batteries too, so it wouldn't be me buying it).

It is annoying to not be taken seriously by your family members though. But our parents generation just doesn't get it. Why she would purchase that for a six month old, I don't know. That's a little weird.


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## Madders (Jul 15, 2009)

I would probably just ask them to return it and buy something age appropriate.

Unless this happens frequently, and you have specifically told them no plastic toys, I highly doubt your MIL was trying to undermind your parenting.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Eh, in-laws are weird. I'm with your dh. Return it if you can and donate it if you can't. If MIL has already been told your wishes then at this point she's either going to respect them or do what she wants. So just do what you want with the gifts you feel are inappropriate.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

In this case, I would just return it. If she asks, let her know that it was totally inappropriate for a 6 month old, so you got him --blahblahblah-- and how much he loves it.

If you weren't opposed to plastic, I would de-battery it and give it to the girls for pretend play of a construction shop/landscaping business (DD has seen dead trees taken down, and contractors at work, Could be a tool for good.) If questioned, I would say how DS was clearly not old enough for it yet!


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Well, everyone knows that all babies should have their very own chainsaw! I mean, come on now!









Sorry to laugh, it's just such a random and odd gift for a 6 month old I can't help but be amused.

When my son was younger, I'd probably get all bent out of shape over a situation like this and confront the person who I felt was undermining me. Now, I just don't sweat the small stuff. No sense in negativity over little things, and IMO this isn't a hill to die on. The holidays are coming up; I'd just stash it away until you can donate it to some holiday gift program&#8230; or something.


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## trillian11 (Apr 13, 2008)

Pretty weird gift for a 6-month old, but I wouldn't personally be freaking about the gender aspect of it. Doesn't sound like you'd want your girls to have it either. I'm with the other poster -- if you live in the country, you need a chainsaw. We've got a bunch of land up north and you have to maintain a fire-safety zone around your house, and big storms knock trees down across the road that no one else is going to take care of.


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## mamameliaISback (Jun 29, 2009)

i think you are overreacting just a little. i understand your concerns completely as i have the same issue with my IL's.. we just say thank you for the gift and move on. not everyone is going to agree with our philosophy on raising kids and we accept that. now if you said your MIL was feeding your child crappy stuff behind your back or practicing discipline methods you do not agree with, i'd say there is a problem! a toy can be returned, donated, sold... try to not worry too much about it.


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## Lizafava (Nov 28, 2004)

Maybe they were trying. I know in our Target the power-tools are in the virtue-toy aisle. My inlaws have a really hard time with natural toys. They really don't know where to get them or how to pick them out. If you really hate it could you re-gift it?

On the other hand, we are anarchist, environmentalist gender bending types and our sons have a toy chainsaw. DS1 uses it to cut fallen branches, houses, bushes, ghosts, trains, etc. We talk about why we don't have a real one - they pollute - and try to balance it out with less masculine toys. We asked the in-laws for a wooden kitchen, in fact, which they happily gave him....along with a tool set.

Gender is so ridgedly enforced in our culture right now, especially for boys, that its quite radical to question power-tools for boys. I'd give anyone a break who didn;t get it right away. 6 months is strange, but maybe they are just really excited about boy toys.


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## WC_hapamama (Sep 19, 2005)

I think I would press the issue based on the fact that the toy is not age appropriate, rather than the gender issue.

IMO, toy tools, power or otherwise are gender neutral. All children, male or female, can benefit from learning how to properly use tools.


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## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama*
Eh, in-laws are weird.

Not to be rude, but I find this whole "in law" thing annoying. That child doesn't just belong to his mother. He is also his father's, in which case it isn't an "in law" issue at all. So please don't blame it on the in-laws...kiddo is their grandchild JUST AS MUCH as he is the OP's parents' grandchild.

Maybe instead, "_Grandparents_ can be annoying?"









As for the OP - I agree. It's not a big deal. It's a weird toy for a 6 month old, but honestly? It's a GIFT. Take it or leave it. You can't control what they want to buy, you just can't. There are lots of things I personally never wanted as gifts either, and not just for my kids but for myself, and I finally realized that I can't control what other people want to gift to me. Now, if you know for a fact they did it to push your buttons, that's one thing. But more likely? They just liked the toy.


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## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

I hope this doesn't come across as morbid, but I wish someone had pointed this out to me when my kids were babies...

My MIL totally ignored my requests for wooden, creative, beautiful toys or experiences for our kids. she sent plastic, commercialized junk that the kids LOVED but then forgot about fairly quickly. I fretted every holiday, every time she visited with gifts (she lived far away) and every time she spoiled the heck out of my kids with her inconsiderate (towards me and my wishes) generosity (towards them) it drove me a little bit crazy.

My parents, on the other hand, quickly caught on that they had to be pretty careful in navigating my rules about gifts, so as not to annoy me. they started sending cash (or nothing at all, that happened a few times) and the whole gift-giving thing was kind of awkward with them. now they always only send cash, which is very practical, and the kids (8 and 10) are into it, but it isn't exactly thoughtful or memory-inducing...

MIL passed away a little over a year ago, and my children treasure every barbie, every spiderman, every little piece of plastic junk she ever gave them, because she gave it with so much love and affection -- she gave them things that she knew would light up their little faces, and as their grandma she had every right to do that. she fed them M&M's and root beer for snacks when we visited, and introduced my plain yogurt eating child to the glory of pink yogurt!!! she didn't get to see them very often, and I wish I had stayed out of it when she seized the opportunity to spoil them rotten!!

I don't know if you're blessed with an in-law as loving as my MIL was, but I miss her dearly, and would give anything for the kids to get to experience one more of her commercial crap shopping sprees -- yes, she was harming the environment, yes she was using commercialized crap to get closer to her grandkids, but it was really quite beautiful, once I was able to step back and remove my baggage from the equation.

just my .02...


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

OK, if it were me, I'd take the batteries out and give it to my girls to play with!

As for the values represented by the toy: It's a tool. Like all tools, it can be used in ways that are sustainable or ways that are not. Arborists use them and they are helping keep trees disease free. You can harvest trees sustainably or you can clear cut forests. The tool doesn't change what the people wielding it decide to do.

I don't think it's a bad idea for your kids to understand where wood comes from. If your kids play with wood toys, that wood came from a tree. If you live in a house in the US, have wood furniture, wood toys or use paper of any sort, you use wood. Maybe I'm biased because of where we live (major timber industry here), but I want my kids to understand where wood/paper comes from so we can talk about why it's important to reuse and recycle paper.

OK end of digression. I get that it's gendered. That it's plastic. That it's battery powered. That it's not something you want your kids to play. But, it was most likely given from the heart. If you hate it, smile sweetly, say thank you and give it away at the first opportunity. If you take every gift your MIL gives as undermining your parenting, it's going to be a long parenting journey. My MIL buys cheap junk too. It has nothing to do with me or my values. She buys it because 'it was a good deal'.








I smile sweetly and put it in the pile of things to donate to the next rummage sale at church.


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## seawind (Sep 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Hi Ladies,
Am I overreacting?
Thanks

Yes, you are overreacting.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

I think criticising a gift is rude unless it's deliberately offensive. Given that your MIL usually respects your no-plastic rule, she probably wasn't trying to undermine you with this toy - maybe she forgot, or maybe she figured it was _so utterly awesome_ that an exception could be made. Yes, it was a bad choice of gift for a 6-month-old (not least because toys that involve noise are generally a faux pas!): but I think you're overanalysing the evil that chainsaws represent, and maybe even the gender thing. I think it wold be churlish and ungrateful to complain about it: it was a gift, and it was presumably given with love. Clueless love, but still.







And y'know, a toy BBQ actually sounds kind of fun.

My vote is "thank her politely, donate the toy and, if you can do it tactfully, reiterate your love for eco-friendly natural toys in front of MIL close to next celebration's shopping season".

ETA: Also, a useful habit I've developed is not expecting anything from gifts. We got a lot of, well, _junk_ when we got married and when DD was born (probably the two most gift-infested occasions our lives will ever know!). Nasty MIC fall-apart-after-one-wash baby clothes, truly ugly day-glo cheap stuffed toys, tinny spatulas, that sort of stuff. So by necessity I adjusted my mentality from "Ooh, hopefully someone will give us X things we need" to consciously not relying on gifts for necessities, being prepared to ruthlessly donate unwanted items, and just accepting the love. You know? And it really helps. Now if I need a tartlet tin and I get a tartlet tin for Christmas, it's a bonus: but if I need a tartlet tin and get a wreath made out of candy bars I dislike, I'm mentally fortified, thank the giver, give the candy bars to someone who likes them and go out and buy myself a tartlet tin. It's surprisingly freeing, and makes the actually nice, tasteful, useful, things-I-want-and-like presents all the more pleasing.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Just say thank you and return it for something else. This does not warrant a confrontation.


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## bits and bobs (Apr 7, 2008)

Intervention-stat.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I think you are overreacting.

I would give it to my daughter since she is old enough to play with it.

Chain saws are tools: just like shovels, hammers, et. You grow to appriacate having one when you electric line is taken down by a tree. Or lighting hits the tree in your back yard. Foresters, firefighters, electric companies use chain saws for many reasons.

Playful parenting would teach an age appropraite child proper reasons to cut trees down and replanting trees.

Would you throw out a shot from a doctors kit because it represents mass vaccinations? How about the entire medical kit because it represents abuses?

Most pretend kitchen stuff is not gender nutural. Or dolls or so many other things are you denying your daughters these also?


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

You are overreacting.

And you are exaggerating the gender issue/destruction aspect of the chainsaw.

If you don't want it at home, it could live at grandma's house.

I'd also like to point out that if you take the batteries out of plastic toys they become much more open-ended.


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

I agree with pp about either donating it to someone in need or returning it. I do not think it was the right gift for a 6 month old though.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

Definitely a strange toy to give a 6 month old.

I would give it away.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Please don't think I'm being mean.. this is just advice from a mom to another.
Pick your battles.. A gift such as this is the least problem you're going to face raising a babe in this world. When holidays come up.. politely tell her you really like so and so kind of gifts, but don't get bent out of shape over this.. If this is the ONLY big issue you have with your inlaws.. then you're doing pretty good honey. And when my son was around one.. he would have loved one of those.. I'm sure it makes fun noises.. Heck, my daughter plays with matchbox cars.. even those are "supposedly" for boys. Gender role type toys are only have you perceive them. I think it's nice they got him a gift.. you should be appreciative that they were trying to do something nice for your child.


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## PGTlatte (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tiffani* 
MIL passed away a little over a year ago, and my children treasure every barbie, every spiderman, every little piece of plastic junk she ever gave them, because she gave it with so much love and affection -- she gave them things that she knew would light up their little faces, and as their grandma she had every right to do that.
.

As long as issues I consider "large" regarding safety aren't being crossed (ie the skateboard MIL gave DS1 for his 5th bday that is still hidden in the closet over 1.5 yrs later), or my big hangup with toy guns, this is how I feel. I would rather not have a house full of plastic junk.....but the junky little dumptrucks from Wal-Mart that cost $2 each that I would never have picked out ? Our boys love them because they remember they were a present at a visit to their grandparents. The tacky roll pillow with the teddy bear graphic in DS1's room ? He treasures it because Grandma gave it to him. I would not pick these things out. But I feel it's important that the grandparents have the freedom to enjoy picking out presents for their grandkids. I am already thinking about how much I will _miss_ having little kids in my life when mine are grown, and how _beside myself with excitement_ I will be when there is a grandbaby in my life. I want them to enjoy spoiling their grandkids, and put as few restrictions as possible on what they buy.


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## Jackpackbaby (Oct 9, 2006)

Um, yes. Totally and completely overreacting. If you don't like it throw it out but reviewing your many posts about your ideals (which are fine ideals BTW) shows a pattern of overreaction and inflexibility and intolerance to other people who neither share nor meet your expectations. I think you need to become a lot more flexible to get along better in life Just think, your poor MIL might not ever want to get your kids anything again and I would not blame her one bit. Who wants the hassle of having to remember all the idiosyncrasies? Now, I can completely understand about the guns but anything else should just be accepted and discarded. I do hope you were at least thankful to the poor "undermining" lady who gave it to you.


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## mommariffic (Mar 18, 2009)

Totally overreacting.

I feel like so many mothers fret over the silly stuff, but unless you're MIL is putting your kid in harm, a chainsaw is not something to flip out over. We can't all be perfect and crunchy and she probably thought it was an awesome gift.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I think you're overreacting, though I have no idea what a 6-month-old will do with it, except try to eat it.


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## Stephenie (Oct 11, 2007)

I totally understand where you're coming from. When my son was ten days old (still in the NICU btw) my dad asked if he could buy him an amphibious quad "for when they went hunting." I looked at my tiny little guy, hooked up to oxygen monitors and an IV and was stricken with how ridiculous it was - but I told my dad to go ahead and get it- as long as it stays at his house. That's something I've done with both sets of grandparents, as long as it wasn't totally offensive, they can play with it at Grandma and Grandpa's. It works as a nice, middle of the ground alternative to always having a fight over it.

by the way, he decided the quad might be a bit premature for a child who couldn't hold his head up. I think the silly gifts for young babies just come from a place of dreaming about the future. There's so much promise in a little baby and it's hard not to imagine their whole life.


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stephenie* 
I think the silly gifts for young babies just come from a place of dreaming about the future. There's so much promise in a little baby and it's hard not to imagine their whole life.









: Great insight.


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## BAU3 (Dec 10, 2001)

I have no in-laws, and my mom is my childrens only grandparent. She NEVER buys them gifts.

I would be thrilled if she (or anyone) thought enough about my children to buy them any old inaapropriate gender-specific non-age-appropriate kind of toy.

( I think most wooden toys come from......trees. I believe they are cut with chainsaws. Not being snarky.. it just struck me as kind of ironic).


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jackpackbaby* 
Just think, your poor MIL might not ever want to get your kids anything again and I would not blame her one bit. Who wants the hassle of having to remember all the idiosyncrasies? Now, I can completely understand about the guns but anything else should just be accepted and discarded. .

honestly, I have family members with so many rules for gifts I just don't try any more. I have come close but I have never seen thekids playing with or wearing what I got them. I helped with a birthday party once and watched her sort through all the inappropriate gifts and toss what didn;t make the cut. I was horrified. i remembered how excited my nephew was to open some of those.

So yeah never expect people to buy what you want. and you DO have A LOT of rules. I think most people would sooner stop buying gifts for your kids all together. and you can probably expect a similar response if they never see the stuff they bought getting used. just be prepared for that because the message you are sending is "your thinking and your ways are just not good enough for us".

Also some things I learned from my mom - some people just don't like wooden toys. What would you do if your kids rebelled against their up bringing whenthey got older and hated wooden toys. you as grandma went out and spent a small fortune on wooden stuff and they either donated it all or exchanged it because it was too boring? How would you feel? would you switch to buying battery operated plasticrap? Also my mom was not going to go anywhere extra to track down stuff. she wasn't going to go find a ritzy little toy store, Her options in her town were walmart and target (and she doesn't shop at target for stupid reasons







but I have convinced her to go there since they have better toys but she has to get cash and hide the fact that it came from target from her husband - good grief) and a KBtoys (the worst toy store on the planet). but my point is certain types of toys are just beyond her comprehension. so we ask her specifcally for things I know she can find where she is at (but my kids are old to have some toys they love - pet shops, ponies, little people - that she can get anywhere and feed their collections) . otherwise we just accepted what she got and loved her for the effort. she really was trying. irritating as her choices might have been.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stephenie* 
When my son was ten days old (still in the NICU btw) my dad asked if he could buy him an amphibious quad "for when they went hunting." I looked at my tiny little guy, hooked up to oxygen monitors and an IV and was stricken with how ridiculous it was - but I told my dad to go ahead and get it- as long as it stays at his house.

thats so cute it made me cry. That is the way big tough daddies tell their little girls "it will be ok."


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## Pepper44 (May 16, 2006)

It's just a toy!

We try not to buy MIC plastic crap, but we have some things. My DD desperately wants that Tinkerbell Fairy Tea Pot house thing for Christmas. Over priced hunk of MIC plastic. And you know what? I'm going to buy it for her, because that's what she likes. She has tons of wooden toys also that have been bought with thought...and even though MIC plastic toys are not something I want to support, my DD is still allowed to have her own thoughts and opinions about what she likes. At 3 she is not old enough to understand why we would rather buy wooden things, and that's ok.

I think it's important to keep in mind your ideals and beliefs, but life is also about living and enjoying. It would be more important to me to have DD enjoy gifts given in love from friends and relatives. There are very few gifts I would take away from her.

Why don't you make a statement about the gender roles you're worried about by taking out the batteries and giving the chain saw to your girls to enjoy? Chain saws are important tools, not just for deforestation. As a matter of fact I think bulldozers and large equipment are more involved in deforestation.

When we have an ice storm here you absolutely have to have a chain saw in order to clear roads, get trees off of power lines, and clean up all the damage. Even the Amish people around here use them!


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i must say this thread has brought up some v. beautiful touching moments for me.

i really agree with pp and v. strongly feel our children are not our own. they have other roles to play.

as another pp related about her MIL buying plastic junk, loving her gchildren and bringing special memories i had the same experience too. our 82 year old neighbour gma would not listen to my restrictions about soda, snacks. however i finally let it go. she moved when my dd was 2. to this day, 5 years later, dd still remembers our neighbour and really considers her her true gma. she had a huge impact on dd's life. that i still see the results even now. the only person who truly loved her and spoilt her apart from me.

and honestly as pp pointed out - the chainsaw actually brought warm fuzzy feeling for me. to me it is a sign of possiblities for the future. i see it as a sign that the gparents are still so excited about another baby that they 'lost their head' about it.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lizafava* 
We asked the in-laws for a wooden kitchen, in fact, which they happily gave him....along with a tool set.

Well, a tool set is an important part of a pretend apartment. Has he had a chance to get some towels for the kitchen? Lots of people forget about that when they first pretend move to their own pretend place. Even with a pretend dishwasher, you need one for things like pretend spills.


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## bannanachild (May 16, 2009)

I think you should casually bring it up with your MIL. The fact that is is so random and so against everything she usually respects seem to imply that she did not just go out and by this toy. Maybe they had another child over and somehow your boy got sent home with it by mistake? Maybe she didn't mean to give it to him at all.

If she did, a way around would be to give the toy back to her and tell her to keep the toy at her house, so your kids have special "Grandma toys" When they go over to Grandma's house.


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## notneb (Aug 31, 2006)

Your kids are lucky to have a grandmother who is invested in their lives enough to want to give them gifts. Don't ruin that for them. If you just can't stand the thought of having that toy around, thank your MIL, keep it around for the rest of her visit and then put it in the give away box when she is gone. There is no need to confront your MIL - she did a good, kind, thoughtful thing.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sancta* 
Not to be rude, but I find this whole "in law" thing annoying. That child doesn't just belong to his mother. He is also his father's, in which case it isn't an "in law" issue at all. So please don't blame it on the in-laws...kiddo is their grandchild JUST AS MUCH as he is the OP's parents' grandchild.

Maybe instead, "_Grandparents_ can be annoying?"









I don't understand what you are objecting to. The woman who gave the toy is, in fact, the OP's MIL. To the OP, she's her in-law. Not a relative _to her_.

Is it the term "in-law" in general that you find annoying? You believe we should all refer to our ILs as "my child's grandparents?" Or what?

I also don't get how the OP referring to a gift from her MIL somehow implies that the child only belongs to his mother.

Could you clarify?

And for the record, I stand by my original statement. In-laws _can_ be annoying.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Over-reacting, yes. Age appropriate, ummm no. I personally wouldn't want that for a 6 month old.

Where I live a chainsaw is a necessary tool in many people's households-it's called keeping your family warm in the winter, it isn't about destroying the forest. Harvesting dead trees for firewood here is both a livelihood and is also(gasp) good for the forest due to the fact we have massive beetle killed areas that infest the healthy trees.

I have to say that I've had to let go of some of my personal issues regarding toys, your baby is 6 months old, you have a long battle ahead of you if you make issues about every toy that MIL gives you. I can't stand Hannah Montana stuff and my mom keeps getting it for DD even when I've told her how much I can't stand it, well it just quickly goes away after DD is sleeping or when she doesn't know that it's gone. It's easier that way.


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## mamameliaISback (Jun 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tiffani* 
I hope this doesn't come across as morbid, but I wish someone had pointed this out to me when my kids were babies...

My MIL totally ignored my requests for wooden, creative, beautiful toys or experiences for our kids. she sent plastic, commercialized junk that the kids LOVED but then forgot about fairly quickly. I fretted every holiday, every time she visited with gifts (she lived far away) and every time she spoiled the heck out of my kids with her inconsiderate (towards me and my wishes) generosity (towards them) it drove me a little bit crazy.

My parents, on the other hand, quickly caught on that they had to be pretty careful in navigating my rules about gifts, so as not to annoy me. they started sending cash (or nothing at all, that happened a few times) and the whole gift-giving thing was kind of awkward with them. now they always only send cash, which is very practical, and the kids (8 and 10) are into it, but it isn't exactly thoughtful or memory-inducing...

MIL passed away a little over a year ago, and my children treasure every barbie, every spiderman, every little piece of plastic junk she ever gave them, because she gave it with so much love and affection -- she gave them things that she knew would light up their little faces, and as their grandma she had every right to do that. she fed them M&M's and root beer for snacks when we visited, and introduced my plain yogurt eating child to the glory of pink yogurt!!! she didn't get to see them very often, and I wish I had stayed out of it when she seized the opportunity to spoil them rotten!!

I don't know if you're blessed with an in-law as loving as my MIL was, but I miss her dearly, and would give anything for the kids to get to experience one more of her commercial crap shopping sprees -- yes, she was harming the environment, yes she was using commercialized crap to get closer to her grandkids, but it was really quite beautiful, once I was able to step back and remove my baggage from the equation.

just my .02...











i totally agree. a couple weeks before my dad passed away, we were out and while i had turned my back to do something, he quickly said "i'll be back in 5 minutes" and took dd1 with him. well.. he took her to buy an ice cream (she was only 2 at the time). when i saw her (happy) face run up to me with the "look at what i got!!" look on her face and the vegetable fat laden dripping ice cream all around her tiny fingers.. i was furious to say the least! so annoyed that she was eating that crap and that he didn't even ask if it was okay.. she was so little, why would you want to feed a kid that?? i am trying to keep that stuff away from her!!
well... she doesn't remember him much anymore as she is now 5 and its been a few years since he passed.. but boy does her face light up when i tell her the story of how grandpa snuck behind my back and bought her her first store bought icecream. her smile is unbelievable.







i NOW love that i have that memory and i am GLAD it happened.







i try not to get too focused on the undesirable stuff now.. there is more to life than doing everything 'right'.


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## Shera971 (Nov 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Third of all, we try to be ecologically sensitive in this household, and a chainsaw is not exactly our idea of a "green" toy - not only because it's made of plastic but because it represents deforestation and the destruction of non-renewable resources and loss of animal habitat.

I'm not quite sure why you are so upset that it is a chainsaw. Since you don't have plastic toys in your house I'm going to assume that you have wooden ones. Wood comes from trees that need to be felled by chainsaws. A chainsaw is a tool and it just depends on who uses it.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I completely understand the annoyance of toys that don't go along with your values
That said, I think you are overreacting.
A chain-saw is a tool. Tools can be used for good or bad.
And I know plenty of vegetarians who grill food and own bbq's.

Really not worth a confrontation, IMO.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BAU3* 
( I think most wooden toys come from......trees. I believe they are cut with chainsaws. Not being snarky.. it just struck me as kind of ironic).

Good point there.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
I don't understand what you are objecting to. The woman who gave the toy is, in fact, the OP's MIL. To the OP, she's her in-law. Not a relative _to her_.

Is it the term "in-law" in general that you find annoying? *You believe we should all refer to our ILs as "my child's grandparents?"* Or what?

I also don't get how the OP referring to a gift from her MIL somehow implies that the child only belongs to his mother.

Could you clarify?

And for the record, I stand by my original statement. In-laws _can_ be annoying.

My child's grandparents DOES have a much friendlier sound than "the in-laws", doesn't it? I might start using that.


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## henny penny (Mar 26, 2008)

Wow. This has become a complex, thought provoking thread! I've laughed a lot and want to thank tiffani for giving me some things to think about. I tend to be rigid when it comes to ds's toy gifts. But as I type, my farm living, Waldorf-loving ds is in the other room making chainsaw noises for his imaginary chainsaw







! We use one frequently on the farm to clear downed trees and to make his Waldorf-inspired toys! He would LOVE that toy.
To the op, if a toy gift doesn't appeal to our family I just say "Thank you, he'll love it" and then put it away or give it away. No sense alienating a close relative or friend over a piece of plastic. When they ask for suggestions I make sure to be as specific as possible about what works for us.


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## Mulvah (Aug 12, 2008)

I agree with so much of what people are saying in this thread. Yes, you are overreacting. As someone else pointed out, I think flexibility is so important in parenting.


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## inkslinger (May 29, 2009)

Yes, you are overreacting.


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## Pepper44 (May 16, 2006)

I keep thinking about this. It's bothering me.

What's wrong with a toy BBQ? Why would that be in comparison with a toy gun?

Even if you don't like to BBQ meat, people still cook veggies on a grill. I just can't think of why a toy BBQ would be so horrifying?


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pepper44* 
I keep thinking about this. It's bothering me.

What's wrong with a toy BBQ? Why would that be in comparison with a toy gun?

Even if you don't like to BBQ meat, people still cook veggies on a grill. I just can't think of why a toy BBQ would be so horrifying?

I am also wondering this! I have to agree, however, that the toy is completely inappropriate for a 6 month old! LOL Did you return it?


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## Organicavocado (Mar 15, 2006)

I am pretty easily insulted by odd toys given to my kid, I mean I have gotten some real doozies. But I think that chainsaw is really freakin cool and if you'd like to give it away, we'd totally pay shipping for it LOL my 18 month old is obsessed with tools at the moment and would probably "work" on his car with it. Despite trying to have all wood toys, stuff like this makes its way into the toybox and now that he doesn't chew on them, I don't care too much esp. if they're second-third-fourthhand. I agree its a dumb toy for a 6 mos old but meh, other than that... I dont think it will give your babe deep psychological forest-devastating issues.


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## Cavy (Aug 21, 2009)

Lovely post, Tiffani (7:32am). LOL @ BAU (3:48pm).

Our electric chain saw is a rather essential tool for cutting down to size for the (eco-friendly) wood-burner all the hardwood we scavenged from an old barn knocked down near us last year.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

yes, you're over-reacting. It was given out of love, even if you find it an odd toy. I can't imagine complaining about a GIFT. I mean, sure, a 6-month-old is unlikely to get much out of it, but maybe the grandparents were excited about it for whatever reason, and couldn't resist buying it now. I'm sure they thought it would bring the kid joy; sane people don't often buy things with irritating and annoying the child's parent in mind. Isn't it still the thought that counts?


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## Maluhia (Jun 24, 2007)

I'd let DDs play with it without batteries.


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## Organicavocado (Mar 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
I'm sure they thought it would bring the kid joy; sane people don't often buy things with irritating and annoying the child's parent in mind. Isn't it still the thought that counts?

I beg to differ. LOL I've gotten some pretty erm... interesting gifts that were blatantly given to annoy me. But maybe they weren't sane... heh


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I'm loving the response in this thread and kind of glad it wasn't just me who was saying... well, if the toy can't be plastic, and we can't cut up trees, are all the toys felt?









OP, I think what you're missing in your quest to save the world (which I admire) is LOVE. Was the toy given out of love? If so, it might be worth letting the rest go. If you don't want to own it, freecycle it.


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## NettleTea (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pepper44* 
What's wrong with a toy BBQ?

I think she was meaning it as a gender role toy. Which I could totally see happening. Anything that involves dolls or cleaning = girls. Anything that involves adventuring or intense action (chainsaw, etc) = for boys.


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Grylliade* 
I think she was meaning it as a gender role toy. Which I could totally see happening. Anything that involves dolls or cleaning = girls. Anything that involves adventuring or intense action (chainsaw, etc) = for boys.









I totally get what you mean, but the thought of equating BBQ with "intense action" made me laugh out loud. Just picturing my dad hanging with a beer on the back porch while BBQing, while the REALLY intense action was in the kitchen....


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## jenners26 (Mar 16, 2008)

I have to say, I think you placing impossibly high standards on people who want to buy things for your children. Nothing with batteries, nothing with plastic, nothing that assumes a gender roll, nothing that could be interpreted in any way as being not "green."

It's confusing enough when you don't have small children to try and buy an age-appropriate toy, without all the rules and regulations pushed by the parents. Yes, he's your child and you can impose your rules on your child, but you can NOT impose your rules on someone (even your MIL) who is trying to buy your child a gift. At least not without coming off as being rude and ungrateful. Smile, say thank you, and move on. And if you decide to donate it, let me know, I'll send you my address. My 19mo would go CRAZY for that chainsaw!


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Wow, over-reacting is an under-statement. It's a toy for goodness sake. It's not like they bought your ds a nuclear bomb.

If you don't like it, say thank you and donate it. There is no reason to be ungrateful or cause hurt feelings through a confrontation over a toy.


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

DS would love a toy like that- and he's only just over a year old. Heck, his grandparents have been giving him toy 'tools' since quite early on. His grandfather, in particular, is thoroughly enjoying that he seems to be a very stereotypical boyish boy. Personally, I'm just happy he's so loved. when something isn't age appropriate for him, I set it aside, they grow so fast that I know he'll be old enough for it soon enough.

Of course, if one of those had come into this house, his older sister would have pounced on it immediately.

I tend to think we overworry- as parents- about the effect a single toy will have in the grand scheme of a child's life. I can certainly attest that the toy vaccuum my daughter had when she was small has not forced her to become a miniature stepford wife.

If you think chainsaws are evil as a general rule- I suppose you could get rid of it, but it seems like a great chance to discuss how to use such tools responsibly. It isn't the chainsaws that are the key to deforestation, they are much too slow and inefficient when logging companies are using much more efficient machinery. Having grow up with wood heat, and having wood heat in our home as well, a chainsaw is a necessary tool. We teach our kids about which trees are good to harvest for wood, and about those we leave alone. We emphasize sustainability- and balance.

Ultimately though, I would want my kids to learn that relationships and people ar more important than a toy.


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## lucky_mia (Mar 13, 2007)

I always thought the proper reaction to either a wanted or an unwanted gift is a simple thank you. Then if you don't want it/won't use it, donate or regift. I can't imagine telling my MIL that I hate a gift she gave me so there is no reason to deal with it any differently when the gift is given to my child.


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

i think it's a strange gift for a baby myself, but hardly a monstrosity. chainsaws do have value ... we live on an acreage and need it for firewood and to cut down dead trees that might otherwise fall on our vehicles or even on the kids when they are running around playing in the woods.

if you don't like it, give it away. that's what we do. you've asked your inlaws to respect your wishes, but you can't control them.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shera971* 
I'm not quite sure why you are so upset that it is a chainsaw. Since you don't have plastic toys in your house I'm going to assume that you have wooden ones. Wood comes from trees that need to be felled by chainsaws. A chainsaw is a tool and it just depends on who uses it.


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## NettleTea (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marylizah* 
I totally get what you mean, but the thought of equating BBQ with "intense action" made me laugh out loud. Just picturing my dad hanging with a beer on the back porch while BBQing, while the REALLY intense action was in the kitchen....











I knew that when i wrote "intense action" it couldn't apply to BBQing. BBQing is a relaxing hobby (for some). So intense action, relaxing hobbies or adventuring = stuff for boys.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamameliaISback* 
i think you are overreacting just a little. i understand your concerns completely as i have the same issue. . .we just say thank you for the gift and move on. . . .a toy can be returned, donated, sold... try to not worry too much about it.









I could have written the above. I think you are overreacting, but I do understand and generally share your concerns (mostly, though I am also with those who say a chainsaw is a tool, and one used in the process of making some of the natural toys you'd probably love...its all about teaching our kids responsible use of tools).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smokering* 
I think criticising a gift is rude unless it's deliberately offensive.

*This is the bottom line for me.*

It is so beyond rude. I wouldn't ever, unless it was like REALLY inappropriate and designed to cross a MAJOR boundary (a playboy or something LOL, or a big slab of steak for our long-time meatless for religious reasons family).

Quote:

Given that your MIL usually respects your no-plastic rule, she probably wasn't trying to undermine you with this toy - maybe she forgot, or maybe she figured it was _so utterly awesome_ that an exception could be made.
Right.

Quote:

ETA: Also, a useful habit I've developed is not expecting anything from gifts.
This makes sense to me.

My MIL can give my kids all the junkiest little party-favor/kids' meal type gifts that never actually work or that fall apart immediately upon touching them, but I am glad she is trying to be close to them in the best ways she knows how including her gifts, and I don't ever have expectations when she says she has a gift for them. I just don't. It's not about me. And frankly, it's not about the gift either.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenners26* 
I have to say, I think you placing impossibly high standards on people who want to buy things for your children. Nothing with batteries, nothing with plastic, nothing that assumes a gender roll, nothing that could be interpreted in any way as being not "green."

I hate to agree, since before our kids arrived we mentioned some similar ideas of our own on multiple occassions to folks we love about toys, etc. But this seems true...

Quote:

It's confusing enough when you don't have small children to try and buy an age-appropriate toy, without all the rules and regulations pushed by the parents.
And this also seems true...

Quote:

Yes, he's your child and you can impose your rules on your child, but you can NOT impose your rules on someone (even your MIL) who is trying to buy your child a gift. At least not without coming off as being rude and ungrateful. Smile, say thank you, and move on.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *confustication* 
I tend to think we overworry- as parents- about the effect a single toy will have in the grand scheme of a child's life.

And I am not trying to minimize your feelings at all because again, I really GET why you are annoyed at the toy, but even if you did keep it, there is a place and time maybe for some things...like when you need to distract the kido from something really interesting but forbidden like the DVD player and the fork he wants to put in there or something







in just a few months. It wouldn't be the end of the world, or your ability to communicate values to your son.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

The title of this is "MIL purchased plastic toy- wrong on so many levels!" The way I see it, it's only wrong on two levels: it's battery operated/noisy and it's not age appropriate for DS. As many others have already pointed out, batteries can be removed and then the toy won't make noise.

The age issue isn't even really "wrong" when there are older siblings in the house who can play with it now, and in any case, children grow! Quite frankly, none of my kids were really into toys yet at 6mo. Any toys DS or DD2 recieved at that age were first played with by the older sister(s).

I've never nixed any toys for my kids unless they were safety issues. I also seriously limited the amount of time my kids were allowed to play with anything noisy in my presence.

But I very quickly let go of my "perfect toys" ideals, at least for those items received as gifts. So what if it's plastic rather than wood, or a Hannah Montana doll instead of a generic simple doll, or a Disney character stuffed animal rather than a simple teddy bear? It's still a toy, that can be used for open-ended play, especially for children who are unfamiliar with the consumeristic tie-in. (IE: a Hannah Montana doll is just a teenaged girl doll for anybody who doesn't know about the TV show.)

The only time I'd be specifically upset about a toy being plastic is when the toy is for a baby who still mouths everything, and I can't be certain that the toy is free of harmful chemicals. But a toy chainsaw? It's just a pretend tool for your daughters to play with until DS is old enough to play with it too.


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

In part, yeah, I think you are overreacting a bit. But seriously, a toy like this for a six month old? No. That's completely inappropriate.

And judging by other things you have posted, you seem pretty crunchy and rather extreme in your views. I'm not saying that's a problem by any means, but if I can figure that out simply by your posts, then how has your MIL not figured that out yet?

I would be more offended (which I think you are) by the fact that she can't simply respect your wishes and decisions for the way you choose to raise your children.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

a thought struck me.

is your MIL old and has health issues? or did some close friend die recently.

i wonder if she bought the toy thinking she wasnt going to be here long and wanted to actually 'give' something he might enjoy in future. money is so different from an actual thing.


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## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
a thought struck me.

is your MIL old and has health issues? or did some close friend die recently.

i wonder if she bought the toy thinking she wasnt going to be here long and wanted to actually 'give' something he might enjoy in future. money is so different from an actual thing.


This is a good point and something I hadn't thought of. My MIL is 78-years-old.

I do appreciate everyone's replies - and I hear what you're saying about not getting too riled up about a silly gift. Clearly, it can be returned to the store or given away without my MIL ever even knowing. And you're right - confronting her would probably not accomplish much. We've already had our issues over the years, which resulted in a lot of hurt feelings and long periods of not communicating, and I am loathe to start a new war over this. We only see my MIL about once every other month, so whatever.

I think the reason this bothered me so much is twofold - one, we've already told this woman that we don't keep battery-operated plastic toys in the house. She has been to our home enough to have a good sense of the kinds of things my children prefer to play with - so I felt like the deliberate purchase of a very plasticky, very annoying toy was a slap in the face.

The second thing is that I felt like this woman just couldn't *wait* to get a "boy thing" for my son. She even commented that she was "so excited to finally be able to buy boy things" - because my son is the only male grandchild on her side of the family - we had two girls, my SIL had two girls, and my BIL and his wife had three girls before Leif came along. My MIL is constantly going on about how he can "finally carry the family name" and "play sports" and it drives me batty because I think it's a dig at the girls. Why can't they go camping, play sports, build things, etc? She is so extremely sexist, and I took the chainsaw as another attempt on her part to label by son "THE BOY WHO MUST LIKE MASCULINE THINGS LIKE POWER TOOLS."


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## Beene (May 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
She has been to our home enough to have a good sense of the kinds of things my children prefer to play with - so I felt like the deliberate purchase of a very plasticky, very annoying toy was a slap in the face.

Ummm....Your children don't "prefer" those toys. They are not given the choice.

Also, in regards to her not being able to wait to give him a "boy" thing- count your blessings! I have the first boy in the family and I WISH my mom and others straight up hadn't told me they wished he was a girl so they could buy him "girl things".


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

It sounds like you just don't really like her, and that is strongly flavoring your response.

Is it a good baby gift? No. But how many years has it been since the woman had a baby? And honestly, all three of my toddlers would have LOVED something like that.

And yes, she's probably eager to buy something "for a boy", especially if he is the first grandson. But that doesn't mean that she hates girls. Sometimes people get tired of buying the same stuff, and especially if they are older or locked into certain gender ideas, they may think getting a chainsaw would be upsetting to girl parents.

Everyone in our family went a little nuts over my twin boys because they were the first boy grandchildren. But both of their girl grandchildren are major tomboys (or were, at that point). When my inlaws noticed that Fi was playing as much with the tools (if not more) than the boys they got her her own toolbox in her favorite color (pink) with a variety of stickers of tools and fairies (her favorites) to decorate it with, and some letter stickers so we could put her name on it.

I would be really careful about assuming the worst here. Of course, it's my MOM who always sends the weirdest crap to my kids. I learned long ago to just open up her packages at the outside trash can, because I was going to end up dumping 5/6ths of it in there. But I understand that has the eldest of many children, who lived in a lot of poverty growing up, who lost everything as a child twice in house fires and moves, *stuff* is extremely important to her. It's just how she expresses love. It doesn't mean that I have to let it invade my house (since frankly, her obsession with stuff was not so nice for me growing up and I have my own pain related to it) but I have learned to just shrug it off.

If you get all pissy about it, who's it hurting? Not her. You. It contributes negatively energy to your house. Surely this is not the first weird gift that she's given anyone. Some people are just that way. The best way to deal with it IMO is to laugh, save it for a white elephant gift party, or pass it on to someone else or trash it.

And who is gender stereotyping by seeing a chainsaw as "all boy"? If you've got daughters, do they like tools? Would it make a fun outdoor toy for them? If they don't or it wouldn't, then just donate it or dump it. This won't be the last time you'll have to deal with this, so think of it as a practice session for the even weirder gifts that are likely to come.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

um yeah she is excited to get boy stuff. I would be. Perhaps she went a little overboard (although i have three girls and I would bet my underpants even my 13year old would play with that thing - only to entertain her little sisters of course







Heck I was just thinking the other day my next tool purchase needs to be a chain saw....and that a crow bar and sledge hammer is going to be my go t bridal shower gift because every girl should have big tools and know how to use them....especially if her choice in husband is sketchy....) but it is fun to get the pink frilly dresses and adorable little dolls and when you have done that for every single family member it is nice to have the opposite. its fun. babies are fun. period. and it is fun to shop for them. Let her have her fun.

but she is 78. She likely only has a few more years to buy inappropriate gifts. why ruin them.


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## Thisbirdwillfly (May 10, 2009)

Quote:

My MIL is constantly going on about how he can "finally carry the family name"...
Your MIL is nearly 80 years old and on some level is getting ready to leave this world. I do not know what I will be "constantly going on about" when I am 78 but I hope that my adult child and his spouse will be kind about it.

Give her and yourself the gift of letting it go. Treat her exactly as you wish to be treated at 78. Things come and go, it's how we care for each and make allowences for differences that gets passed down.

In the end, it's so much more important for your children to soak up every moment, and someday hear every story, about how their grandmother expressed her love for them in ways perfect and imperfect than to get riled up about one, or even a hundred, toys that are not the kind you want in your household.


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I hope I never get to the point where I allow my values about "plastic" to take priority over someone's feelings.

Appreciate her intention, even if she didn't quite follow your rules about inanimate objects.


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

I think it's a cool toy actually. I could see my DH wanting to play with it just as much as my child.









We hardly get any gifts from the other set of grandparents. They send cash most of the time or in the case of my FIL he forgets the birthday entirely. I would love it if DD got a cool gift from that set of grandparents even if it was MIC of plastic.

As for age appropriate, I find that sometimes people buy gifts that children can grow into. People don't always give gifts that are meant to be used at that particular age. At my daughter's first birthday party, she got a whole bunch of gifts that involved recognizing letters and colors, reading simple words, tracing letters, etc. I don't think anyone expected her to do those things at 12 months but their expectation was she would like to do those things at some point in the future.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellinghamCrunchie* 
I hope I never get to the point where I allow my values about "plastic" to take priority over someone's feelings.

Appreciate her intention, even if she didn't quite follow your rules about inanimate objects.

These are great points b/c it truly is silly to get upset over *_gasp_* a plastic gift. If you are so set on avoiding plastic and keeping it out of your home, then fine, get rid of it... but to have 'gift giving rules' is very over the top extreme. If it were something that seriously compromised your child's life, health, or values, then I could see objecting. But even then, you do so discreetly b/c your opinion on what is best for your family does not trump your MIL's feelings.

Wanting to carry on the family name, being excited to buy "boy" stuff, hoping to make a kid happy when he gets big enough to play with something: are all OKAY intentions from a 78 year old grandmother. Sorry, but you need to lighten up a bit.


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## Keria (Sep 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Third of all, we try to be ecologically sensitive in this household, and a chainsaw is not exactly our idea of a "green" toy - not only because it's made of plastic but because it represents deforestation and the destruction of non-renewable resources and loss of animal habitat.


Errr... If you use wooden toys they come from somewhere you know.


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## Talula Fairie (Jan 7, 2005)

Chainsaws have other uses besides deforestation....

Donate the gift to a charity like the Salvation Army and move on.


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## Epona (Jul 20, 2009)

♥


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## TortelliniMama (Mar 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Well, a tool set is an important part of a pretend apartment. Has he had a chance to get some towels for the kitchen? Lots of people forget about that when they first pretend move to their own pretend place. Even with a pretend dishwasher, you need one for things like pretend spills.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

I want this toy! its so bad ass! check out my thread in the toddler forum my dd got a Baby Alive doll so we edited it and now its a perfectly acceptable toy! i stopped caring what everyone else gives my dd and buy her toys that i like when im buying her toys. its not worth making people angry about something thats suposed to be fun... now if she tried to circ your son or was giving you flak about that i'd say have at her, but its a awesome chainsaw that could def be a fun toy for any kid boy or girl.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

This whole thread makes me sad. I think the OP should keep the toy. Golly.. it was an expensive toy, so obviously the grandma thought it was a nice thing to get.. in about 6 months I'm SURE the babe will be old enough to play with it some. Sometimes some people get so wrapped up in their rock firm ideals and "making a statement" that they miss out on the important things. It's sad.








Let that baby have it.. What if she passed tomorrow? He would later on cherish the gift from her.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Grandma has every right to be excited about having a boy to carry on the family name and you have no right to begrudge her for that.

I mean good grief, it sounds as though you just don't like this woman and you won't be happy no matter what she does.


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## Stephenie (Oct 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
thats so cute it made me cry. That is the way big tough daddies tell their little girls "it will be ok."

You know, I never saw it that way, but now I want to go give him a hug.







:


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## smeisnotapirate (Aug 24, 2007)

She's 78 - not 28. If my 28 year old sister said that stuff, yeah, we'd get into it. If my 78 year old mother in law said it, I'd sigh and give the gift to my girls to play with until DS would enjoy it.

If she normally respects your wishes, I don't see what the problem is.


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
And for the record, I stand by my original statement. In-laws _can_ be annoying.









I agree, In-laws CAN be annoying. Mine and my dh's














But then, people in general are annoying to me....

And yes, you are overreacting.


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## pampered_mom (Mar 27, 2006)

OP - I understand your feelings on the issue and likely the issues you have with your MIL. No one here knows the whole story, only you do so I would suppose there are likely bits and pieces that might be missing from the picture. There are also values and beliefs that you feel are important (regardless of whether or not there are posters here that agree - they don't have to live your life and vice versa).

Heck, even aside from the other issues you had with the toy I wouldn't have wanted it just for the fact that it's essentially a form of advertising - it's a big blaring billboard for Black & Decker for goodness sakes! For that company it's not just about the toy, it's about building brand loyalty for the future - if they get their brand name in your child's head at an early age they figure when your child is older they'll be much more likely to purchase their products. IMO that's reason #1 for it not to stay in my house - not even for older children.

As to the issues with the ILs...we've often had struggles with these types of issues with my ILs - part of it has to do with the fact that my MIL believes in quantity rather than quality (things and the buying of said things is really important to her) and some boundary issues she has. As a result we've often had some really awesome garage sales (bought a split-half of some organic grass-fed beef one year) with the things that she's purchased/sent for our children.

While they're young we typically take the toy after MIL has left and put it in the closet - either to sell or to donate to Goodwill. That way MIL's gift becomes a double blessing, she got to go through the process of buying/giving the item (which is for the most part what it's all about for her) and another child who has far less than mine gets a toy they maybe wouldn't get otherwise. If you can manage to leave the toy unopened than you can donate it to "Toys for Tots" or other similar campaign which imo is even better.

Now that our kids are older (and it's more likely that MIL will insist upon opening everything before she/we leave) it's very likely the toy will make it to our house and remain for awhile before it's forgotten (as I've often found is the case when the number of toys in our house climbs - the more toys the far less care/regard is given). Then after they've gone to bed the toy again makes it's exit until we either sell it at a garage sale/on Craig's List or give it to Goodwill.

Either way both needs are served - your MIL got to buy the item and give it as a gift (which maybe is a love language of hers) and you don't have to keep it. You may not as others have mentioned be able to place limits on what other people give your children, but you do have the right to set the tone for your family. If she mentions something in the future about the toy not being there or something like that then maybe you might want to bring in some of the thoughts you have on the issue. Until then I'd probably just let it be.


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## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
Grandma has every right to be excited about having a boy to carry on the family name and you have no right to begrudge her for that.

I mean good grief, it sounds as though you just don't like this woman and you won't be happy no matter what she does.

To tell you the truth - and this is probably more backstory than necessary - but one of the real issues we've had with MIL is that our kids DON'T have my husband's last name. My husband and I couldn't really decide how to name our children in a non-patriarchal way, so our kids actually have an alternate surname. My MIL had a really hard time coming to terms with that (especially when our son was born and she found out - it seemed to bother her more than with the girls...) For a while she just assumed that even though the girls had the alternate name, a boy wouldn't, and when he did... she was very hurt and upset and blamed it all on ME. Don't even get me started about circ - she actually had the gall to tell me that it should be my husband's decision, not mine. When I told her that my husband agreed that circ was not something we wanted to do, she said I had brainwashed him.

Anyway, I do appreciate your opinion. You are totally right in that my MIL and I have had issues in the past and I probably bring some of that hurt and anger to the table.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Wow, there really is a lot of extra "stuff" going on here. Does your dh feel as intensely about this situation as you do?


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## secondseconds (Jun 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Hi Ladies,

I'm having a hard time. We had dinner at our home tonight for the Memorial Day weekend, and my MIL brought my son this:
http://www.amazon.com/BLACK-DECKER-C...2295034&sr=8-3

Now, first of all, I really hate the gender-role implications - that only a "boy" would want something like a chainsaw. Why hasn't she purchased a chainsaw (or any other tool) for my girls - who are older and for whom a toy like this would be more "appropriate?" MY SON IS 6 MONTHS OLD!

Second of all, we don't do plastic OR batteries - MIL has been told this before and usually respects our wishes, so I have no idea where this came from.

Third of all, we try to be ecologically sensitive in this household, and a chainsaw is not exactly our idea of a "green" toy - not only because it's made of plastic but because it represents deforestation and the destruction of non-renewable resources and loss of animal habitat.

I am not sure what to do. Frankly, I am steamed. My husband says we should just return it or give it away - but I feel like something needs to be said. What's next? A toy barbeque? A toy gun? I am so sick of my parenting being undermined by people who are constantly trying to push mainstream toys and ideas on our family.

Guess I'm just feeling down - not sure what to do with this monstrosity







Am I overreacting?

Thanks

In the nicest way possible: you have the problem here. The problem is not your MIL or the toy. You are way way way way way way way way WAY overreacting, SERIOUSLY.


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## Jane91 (Mar 4, 2009)

I think the problem at the heart of all this is this attitude --

"I am so sick of my parenting being undermined by people who are constantly trying to push mainstream toys and ideas on our family."

I find the concept of trying to be the sole influence in your child's life to be of questionable healthiness -- no one can be everything to someone. However,, setting that aside, unless you plan on locking your kids in a shed in your backyard, you're going to have to figure out how to negotiate living in the world we all live in, in a manner that isn't causing you constant heartattacks and doesn't involve being constantly offended by and/or offensive to others in the name of defending your "values".


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Here's an idea







, a lesson in perspective.

I'll loan you my MIL (whom we've cut out of our kids lives) for one week.

Let's make a bet. I'll bet you my handmade stash of cloth diapers and recycled wool covers, freshly lanolized, that by the end of that week you'll be begging for your own MIL back, complete with last name issues and plastic toy pushing. I'll bet.

In all honesty, I'd love to have the only problems with my MIL be plastic toys and last name arguments, rather than, you know, true emotional and verbal abuse at my children as well as us. It's all about perspective. Try to keep your eyes on the big picture.


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## Beene (May 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jane91* 
I think the problem at the heart of all this is this attitude --

"I am so sick of my parenting being undermined by people who are constantly trying to push mainstream toys and ideas on our family."

I find the concept of trying to be the sole influence in your child's life to be of questionable healthiness -- no one can be everything to someone. However,, setting that aside, unless you plan on locking your kids in a shed in your backyard, you're going to have to figure out how to negotiate living in the world we all live in, in a manner that isn't causing you constant heartattacks and doesn't involve being constantly offended by and/or offensive to others in the name of defending your "values".

Most certainly. You are being so militant about YOUR beliefs of right and wrong that you are imposing them on your children and the rest of the people around you and judging them for it. If you continue to keep your kids in this bubble of "we are right, all of THEM are horribly wrong", they will grow up not ever feeling like adequate human beings for lack of choice in this life. They will be unable to form their own judgements about their experience and they will likely resent you for it. Yes, they are your kids, but they are NOT you. Let them live!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
To tell you the truth - and this is probably more backstory than necessary - but one of the real issues we've had with MIL is that our kids DON'T have my husband's last name. My husband and I couldn't really decide how to name our children in a non-patriarchal way, so our kids actually have an alternate surname. My MIL had a really hard time coming to terms with that (especially when our son was born and she found out - it seemed to bother her more than with the girls...) For a while she just assumed that even though the girls had the alternate name, a boy wouldn't, and when he did... she was very hurt and upset and blamed it all on ME. Don't even get me started about circ - she actually had the gall to tell me that it should be my husband's decision, not mine. When I told her that my husband agreed that circ was not something we wanted to do, she said I had brainwashed him.

Anyway, I do appreciate your opinion. You are totally right in that my MIL and I have had issues in the past and I probably bring some of that hurt and anger to the table.

OP, I just wanted to chime in to say that I think you have valid reasons for being angry and hurt. The chainsaw thing on its own wouldn't warrant a negative reaction, IMO, but I can see how in light of the above you'd be touchy with her in general.

Just thought you could use a supportive voice here.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
i think they were probably not at all interested in ndermining your parenting. your parenting ideas may not have even been on their radar. They probably thought it was fun or it may have been on clearance (it does seem kinda random for a six month old.....) who knows. And since it is your husbands parents I would let him handle this in the way he thinks is best. it is just a toy. not something worth starting a war over. Someone else would probably love to have it if you do not want it for your children.

Agreed.

We bought our daughter a chainsaw for xmas when she was 2 or so . . . along with other tools. Mostly, we used it for chasing each other around the house, while it made growling noises and Rylie laughed her head off.









I'm not a big fan of plastic or battery operated toys, but they're not the end of the world, either.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Kinda weird for a six month old. But, I think you are overreacting. Someone gave my daughter a football when she was born. I thought that was stupid... but I was grateful for the gift. I didn't return it, or think I was being undermined.

She never did play with it. She's never liked sports, so it sat in her toy box for seven years until I finally sent it outside with the neighbor kids to play in the street with it.


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## seaheroine (Dec 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marylizah* 
I totally get what you mean, but the thought of equating BBQ with "intense action" made me laugh out loud. Just picturing my dad hanging with a beer on the back porch while BBQing, while the REALLY intense action was in the kitchen....











DH always insists he needs multiple beers to cool off from this intense action around the grill.

I agree with most pp...I'd just let it go and accept it with tact and thanks. If the toy truly offends your senses, donate it to a child in need.


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## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
I don't understand what you are objecting to. The woman who gave the toy is, in fact, the OP's MIL. To the OP, she's her in-law. Not a relative _to her_.

I know.

Quote:

Is it the term "in-law" in general that you find annoying? You believe we should all refer to our ILs as "my child's grandparents?" Or what?
No. The term in-law is fine/good. It's the blanket statement of "in-laws are weird" that I found annoying.

Quote:

Could you clarify?
Sure....









The issue here isn't about a MIL who blatantly went against her DIL's rules and gifted a toy in order to get in her face. If that was the case, then yeah, that would be an in-law issue.

But this child has *two* parents who agree on these *rules*, one of them being her own son, and she apparently didn't gift the toy to spite them, so it's just an innocent issue of a grandmother buying a toy for her grandchild that both her DIL and SON didn't wish him to have.

Making a blanket statement that "Eh. In-laws are weird" isn't fair.

If would be similar to this: My hypothetical step son knows my DH's and my rules of not giving treats to the kids before dinner, but he did it anyway. That wouldn't be a "step kids are weird" issue. It would be a "kids can be disobedient/disrespectful" issue. Does that make sense?

Quote:

And for the record, I stand by my original statement. In-laws _can_ be annoying.
You actually said they are weird. And I agree that they _can_ be.


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## gsd1amommy (Apr 6, 2007)

What, pray tell, do you imagine they use to cut down trees for the beloved wooden toys you insist upon as the only suitable toys your children should be gifted with?


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## jimblejamble (May 18, 2007)

Wow, when I read the thread title I was expecting a "Singalong with Hitler" doll or something. I fail to see how this is "wrong on so many levels".


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## pragmaticme (May 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
What, pray tell, do you imagine they use to cut down trees for the beloved wooden toys you insist upon as the only suitable toys your children should be gifted with?











Yes, irony at its best!

I have a MIL who sends me all sorts of things in care packages about 3 times a year. Most of which I do not need. So I put it in the goodwill box, and a couple of times a year I donate it. Surely someone will use it. She likes to buy us things, it makes her happy, and I'm not going to rain on her parade. My husband's SIL is very resentful of her buying anything for them and has made it clear not to get her grandson any toys. MIL knows this - so she has to ask permission to get grandson a gift. SIL said, "Why doesn't she just give us cash". I think that is so rude and selfish. And MIL gives us cash all the time too. She's VERY generous.

Indulge the woman - even if you don't like her. She's your child's grandmother.

I send a thank you card for every thing I am given, whether I like it, use it, dress my kids in it, or not.


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## pokeyrin (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pampered_mom* 
OP - I understand your feelings on the issue and likely the issues you have with your MIL. No one here knows the whole story, only you do so I would suppose there are likely bits and pieces that might be missing from the picture. There are also values and beliefs that you feel are important (regardless of whether or not there are posters here that agree - they don't have to live your life and vice versa).

Heck, even aside from the other issues you had with the toy I wouldn't have wanted it just for the fact that it's essentially a form of advertising - it's a big blaring billboard for Black & Decker for goodness sakes! For that company it's not just about the toy, it's about building brand loyalty for the future - if they get their brand name in your child's head at an early age they figure when your child is older they'll be much more likely to purchase their products. IMO that's reason #1 for it not to stay in my house - not even for older children.

As to the issues with the ILs...we've often had struggles with these types of issues with my ILs - part of it has to do with the fact that my MIL believes in quantity rather than quality (things and the buying of said things is really important to her) and some boundary issues she has. As a result we've often had some really awesome garage sales (bought a split-half of some organic grass-fed beef one year) with the things that she's purchased/sent for our children.

While they're young we typically take the toy after MIL has left and put it in the closet - either to sell or to donate to Goodwill. That way MIL's gift becomes a double blessing, she got to go through the process of buying/giving the item (which is for the most part what it's all about for her) and another child who has far less than mine gets a toy they maybe wouldn't get otherwise. If you can manage to leave the toy unopened than you can donate it to "Toys for Tots" or other similar campaign which imo is even better.

Now that our kids are older (and it's more likely that MIL will insist upon opening everything before she/we leave) it's very likely the toy will make it to our house and remain for awhile before it's forgotten (as I've often found is the case when the number of toys in our house climbs - the more toys the far less care/regard is given). Then after they've gone to bed the toy again makes it's exit until we either sell it at a garage sale/on Craig's List or give it to Goodwill.

Either way both needs are served - your MIL got to buy the item and give it as a gift (which maybe is a love language of hers) and you don't have to keep it. You may not as others have mentioned be able to place limits on what other people give your children, but you do have the right to set the tone for your family. If she mentions something in the future about the toy not being there or something like that then maybe you might want to bring in some of the thoughts you have on the issue. Until then I'd probably just let it be.

Our kids must have the same grandmother







and we do exactly the same with her gifts.

OP: Just wanted to give you another voice of support and that I completely understand. Your knee jerk reaction to this gift has a lot to do with issues you've had with MIL in the past and that will color everything she does. However, for your own sanity always try to not view her as coming from a position of being against you and that she has her way of thinking of things that don't happen to agree with yours and realize that you can't change people (like she can't change your mind) but you can change the way you react to them.

As for the other poster who said you are being militant in your beliefs...well I don't think it's militant at all and I think that's an overreacting statement. I think you are responding to her in a way that has everything to do with your relationship with her and honestly you have a right to feel the way you do as none of us are walking in your shoes like pampered_mom said.

All of us have ideas of how we want to raise our children and we have a right to raise them as we see fit. And while our children are not our personal possessions and we do share them with the rest of the family, we are still the parent and if a gift is against our values, we have the right to get rid of the gift. The best things to do is always be gracious no matter what the intention is behind it. Just smile and say "thank you" and then donate it and you will still look gracious and the gift giver will just look nuts. Never criticize the gift giver because no matter what the real story is behind the gift you will look like the rude one and that will overshadow all else.


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## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
What, pray tell, do you imagine they use to cut down trees for the beloved wooden toys you insist upon as the only suitable toys your children should be gifted with?









I hear you. We don't have many wooden toys - we prefer recycled metals and cloth, art supplies, books (paper, I know), etc. We do have *some* wood things, and yes I guess they were probably made from trees felled by chainsaws. We always try to buy wooden items that are from sustainably-grown lumber, but point taken.

Thank you all for your insight. I guess I could be a little more flexible with this. My MIL is elderly and frail, and it's definitely not the hill I want to die on.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 







I hear you. We don't have many wooden toys - we prefer recycled metals and cloth, art supplies, books (paper, I know), etc. We do have *some* wood things, and yes I guess they were probably made from trees felled by chainsaws. We always try to buy wooden items that are from sustainably-grown lumber, but point taken.

Thank you all for your insight. I guess I could be a little more flexible with this. My MIL is elderly and frail, and it's definitely not the hill I want to die on.

I think sometimes we forget that our values are rich and robust and strong and that these small acts from extended family or friends are not going to bring them down. At least that's what I believe.







I think you've been very gracious about the feedback and that says a lot for how you probably deal with family and... it will all come out ok.


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## AoifesMom (Sep 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
thats so cute it made me cry. That is the way big tough daddies tell their little girls "it will be ok."

I hadn't thought of that. So right, and so sweet.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Thank you all for your insight. I guess I could be a little more flexible with this. My MIL is elderly and frail, and it's definitely not the hill I want to die on.

You know.. it's possible that she just wants him to have that. Perhaps she doesn't expect to be here in four years, and wants him to have something she thought was really great. I assume she's had more years with his sisters, and she wants him to have things from her too.


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## Tiny Explosions (Aug 31, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
op, i just wanted to chime in to say that i think you have valid reasons for being angry and hurt. The chainsaw thing on its own wouldn't warrant a negative reaction, imo, but i can see how in light of the above you'd be touchy with her in general.

Just thought you could use a supportive voice here.









ita.


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## Triciabn (Nov 6, 2005)

Hey the Holiday season is right around the corner and every charity will be screaming for free gifts.
Last year we just rounded them (stupid toys that we don't appreciate) up and my husband and oldest son took them to Toys for Tots, when they volunteered.

Everyone wins.
But for crying out loud don't stress over it.
Tricia


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## simplemama32 (Jul 16, 2009)

I just want to say thanks for this thread...I thought there were so many thoughtful, great responses. I'm especially glad for it because I have a tendency to look at the mountain of (plastic, battery-operated, etc. etc.) toys that DS receives from all the grandparents and others and...well, I freak out a little and sometimes preach a little too much about my values. ;-) What I need to remember is the mountain of love that goes along with all those toys.


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## NettleTea (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Well, a tool set is an important part of a pretend apartment. Has he had a chance to get some towels for the kitchen? Lots of people forget about that when they first pretend move to their own pretend place. Even with a pretend dishwasher, you need one for things like pretend spills.


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

It is a very rare 78 yr old grandma that DOESN'T carry sexist baggage. They are a product of their age. Just think- 60 years ago, when she was coming of age and finding out what it was like to be a woman, it was the 1950's! So, I think sometimes a "pass" on not being completely up on gender expectations is in order.

And, I don't think it HAS to be a dig on the girls because she has been waiting to buy "boy things". I mean, I have 2 boys. I have a strange love of clothing with cherries and strawberries on them







. These are not particularly appreciated by my sons







. I always think "How cute, a little girl in the cherries...". I suppose I'm waiting. If I ever have a girl, she'll be wearing cherries! In the scheme of life- it could be worse







.

My parents also are plasticrap royalty. But it is TOTALLY out of love. They see things and think "OH! DS1 loves dinosaurs! I bet he would LOVE this GIANT, SCREECHING, REMOTE CONTROLED one!" and so they spend and obscene amount of money on it. Because... it connects them. To my parents, it is a way to think about him when they are not together, to make him happy in the short amount of time they get together. For my son, he likes the toy, but he really loves the enthusiasm and them playing with him. And they all feel the love and they all know that the toy is just a way to come together. So I let them all go hog wild on visits (its never a safety concern or anything- just an endulgance in the more "junk-ey" side of things that is fun, but not something you want to live by). Life is short. 95% of DS's life is whole, healthy grow food and books and playing outside and the likes. If when he visits grandma & poppy he sees two people so deleriously happy with his mere existance and they all endulge a bit, well... I hope someday he'll let me do the same with his kids!


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 







I hear you. We don't have many wooden toys - we prefer recycled metals and cloth, art supplies, books (paper, I know), etc. We do have *some* wood things, and yes I guess they were probably made from trees felled by chainsaws. We always try to buy wooden items that are from sustainably-grown lumber, but point taken.

Thank you all for your insight. I guess I could be a little more flexible with this. My MIL is elderly and frail, and it's definitely not the hill I want to die on.

KweenKrunch, I just wanted to say that you have handled yourself so well throughout this thread. Lots of other people (me included) would have been very defensive by now, kuddos to you.


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## Beene (May 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
KweenKrunch, I just wanted to say that you have handled yourself so well throughout this thread. Lots of other people (me included) would have been very defensive by now, kuddos to you.

I agree, KweenKrunch. I was ready for a showdown with your level of extreme Krunchiness (I see you on many threads), but you took all of this madness rather graciously. Yay for you!


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I understand how you are upset, because sexism issues make me really upset, too.

But I think maybe it would be good her to identify exactly what part of the gift made you the most upset.

I mean, the other posters pointed out, that if your kids have wooden toys, those did come from trees. Chainsaws are not, in and of themselves, evil things.

Plastic, blech, but you are going to need to deal with the fact that your MIL may just never change her mind about that. She was at the store and thought it was cute.

Six months old- my mom buys stuff for kids up to, like, eight. Including really trendy clothes. She just cannot get over sales. It happens. The chainsaw is not going to melt or anything. She's probably thinking, it was too good to pass up.

Sexist, yeah, but here there is an easy solution. Just say, "You bought it for DGS, but the girls love it so much and he's too little, we hope you don't mind them playing with it until he's old enough." Lesson learned re: sexism, gift appreciated, problem solved.

Ultimately, though, this post said it best:

Quote:

Your kids are lucky to have a grandmother who is invested in their lives enough to want to give them gifts. Don't ruin that for them. If you just can't stand the thought of having that toy around, thank your MIL, keep it around for the rest of her visit and then put it in the give away box when she is gone. There is no need to confront your MIL - she did a good, kind, thoughtful thing.
I take pictures of my kids in the ugly clothes other people get for them and then give them nice, clean, and stainless to the Salvation Army. I put the pictures on Facebook so everyone can see. My Facebook and Flickr are full of my children in hideous pink frilly outfits that I hate.

They are smiling.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beene* 
I agree, KweenKrunch. I was ready for a showdown with your level of extreme Krunchiness (I see you on many threads), but you took all of this madness rather graciously. Yay for you!

Exactly what I was thinking.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
I think sometimes we forget that our values are rich and robust and strong and that these small acts from extended family or friends are not going to bring them down. At least that's what I believe.







I think you've been very gracious about the feedback and that says a lot for how you probably deal with family and... it will all come out ok.

This.


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## missys__mom (Sep 14, 2006)

just another viewpoiint - i am that MIL who used to spend a lot of time picking out toys i thought my grandson would like. on every gift-giving occasion there would be issues even to the point that one christmas the mother of my grandson sat in my house, eating my food, opening presents i had spent hard-earned money on (while she collects ssi and has never worked) and said after nearly every present was opened "he can't have that"!!!!! When grandsons 2 and 3 came along i decided it was not worth the emotional impact her attitude had on me and if the gifts were not appreciated, there would be no gifts. This was also after I had found wooden, educational toys i had purchased for them scattered outside all over their yard, ruined by the weather! Birthday gifts have been scaled way back and we have tried to be gone to visit out-of-state family over the Christmas holidays.

If I had not tried to pick thoughtful gifts that i felt would stimulate and interest the boys, it might have been another issue. Yes, sometimes they were plastic, sometimes they had batteries (horrors). Sometimes these gifts were picked out in the company of their father (my son) and she still didn't like them.

I am not as old as the MIL in the OP so I would have had a lot of years to provide them with toys they would otherwise not have been able to have. However, because of the mother's attitude and the lack of care of the toys she preferred them to have, they will not receive those toys from me.

I do spend time with them and love them dearly, but her attitude toward gift receiving has deprived her children of some really awesome gifts.

By the way - i actually bought a similar chain saw for grandson #1 when he was 2 or 3. Because we had a really bad wind storm with the loss of a lot of trees, it was pretty cool for him to have his own chain saw to "use" along side his grandpa who had to clean up the mess.

So yes - there is a very good use for chain saws. my father had to cut trees down by hand in the 1920's (no exhaust, no smoke, no pollution!) and you can't tell me he preferred that over the chain saw he was able to have in his later years!!!!!

All you young mothers should remember that there are two sides to each story. there probably is to this one also.

For the "crunchy" types who believe in dear old Hillary's axiom that "it takes a village", you are often the ones who think that's great - but only if the village does it your way!


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## ema-adama (Dec 3, 2007)

OP - I have had a really hard time with a MIL that has a very different set of values to mine. I am still figuring out just what our values are and how and why they are different - but MIL *loves* plastic, lots and lots of it and does not understand why I don't and why I won't have battery opperated toys. Although she is slowly coming to accept that I am not some crazy extreme idiot.

I agree that you have been very gracious being told that you are over reacting and having your experience so openly critiqued. I would have found that very hard.

For me, the thing that has helped with my MIL is my DH having a chat with her and disussing that the issue is not the plastic toys as much as we want our choices respected. Why we don't want plastic is not the issue. If we don't, we have every right as parents to keep plastic out of our little boy's environment. The expample we used to help illustrate is food.

MIL is on a diet that requires diet foods ie everything needs to be 'lite' and be artificially sweetened. I do not keep such food in our home and do not eat such food myself. However, when we invite them around for a meal, I make sure to have diet bread, diet drinks etc even though it goes against what I believe to be the optimal choice. Yet, I want her to feel comfortable in my home and I know that she will only be comfortable eating diet food. So I accomodate her. I expect the same. I am not comfortable with plastic toys and would like her to acomodate me.

Having said all of that - they have bought him a plastic trolley thing, a plastic seesaw and a tent full of plastic balls. I cringe when I see DS emersed in the plastic balls and just block out visions of PVC, phthalates, lead etc. However, this is in their home and DS is there about once a week for a couple of hours. We have asked her not to buy anymore toys, not only because we don't want more plastic, but we don't want DS with an overwhelming number of toys. If she wants to buy more toys, we will have to start putting some away.








s - I do not think you are extreme. I think you are making a choice that is very unusual in modern society and I think you should have the support to make the choices you feel most comfortable with for your family.

MIL relationships can be very very difficult.


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## emmalizz (Apr 14, 2009)

.


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## Lune (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BAU3* 
I have no in-laws, and my mom is my childrens only grandparent. She NEVER buys them gifts.

I would be thrilled if she (or anyone) thought enough about my children to buy them any old inaapropriate gender-specific non-age-appropriate kind of toy.










I could have written the above, my kids have no grandparents.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tiffani* 
I hope this doesn't come across as morbid, but I wish someone had pointed this out to me when my kids were babies...

My MIL totally ignored my requests for wooden, creative, beautiful toys or experiences for our kids. she sent plastic, commercialized junk that the kids LOVED but then forgot about fairly quickly. I fretted every holiday, every time she visited with gifts (she lived far away) and every time she spoiled the heck out of my kids with her inconsiderate (towards me and my wishes) generosity (towards them) it drove me a little bit crazy.

My parents, on the other hand, quickly caught on that they had to be pretty careful in navigating my rules about gifts, so as not to annoy me. they started sending cash (or nothing at all, that happened a few times) and the whole gift-giving thing was kind of awkward with them. now they always only send cash, which is very practical, and the kids (8 and 10) are into it, but it isn't exactly thoughtful or memory-inducing...

MIL passed away a little over a year ago, and my children treasure every barbie, every spiderman, every little piece of plastic junk she ever gave them, because she gave it with so much love and affection -- she gave them things that she knew would light up their little faces, and as their grandma she had every right to do that. she fed them M&M's and root beer for snacks when we visited, and introduced my plain yogurt eating child to the glory of pink yogurt!!! she didn't get to see them very often, and I wish I had stayed out of it when she seized the opportunity to spoil them rotten!!

I don't know if you're blessed with an in-law as loving as my MIL was, but I miss her dearly, and would give anything for the kids to get to experience one more of her commercial crap shopping sprees -- yes, she was harming the environment, yes she was using commercialized crap to get closer to her grandkids, but it was really quite beautiful, once I was able to step back and remove my baggage from the equation.

just my .02...

I dont think I could have said this better myself.

My mother is HUGE on buying crap for my kids every time she is out. But is so excited to give it to them, and they just melt all over it. Not only does it make her life sweeter, but thiers too.


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## inkedmamajama (Jan 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EviesMom* 
In this case, I would just return it. If she asks, let her know that it was totally inappropriate for a 6 month old, so you got him --blahblahblah-- and how much he loves it.

If you weren't opposed to plastic, I would de-battery it and give it to the girls for pretend play of a construction shop/landscaping business (DD has seen dead trees taken down, and contractors at work, Could be a tool for good.) If questioned, I would say how DS was clearly not old enough for it yet!

this


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Grylliade* 
I think she was meaning it as a gender role toy. Which I could totally see happening. Anything that involves dolls or *cleaning* = girls. Anything that involves adventuring or intense action (chainsaw, etc) = for boys.









Now I have to chime in. My 2 year old son has his own broom, hand broom, dust pan, is about to get his own vaccum cleaner for his birthday, and his own shopping cart, complete with grocery boxes. (guess I just blew myself in as one of the evil plastic toy mothers) He also has toy trucks, lawn mower, weed wacker, and a couple "babies". My point is, maybe they are intended by the manufactuerers to be gender specific, but not everyone uses them that way.


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## NettleTea (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beene* 
I was ready for a showdown with your level of extreme Krunchiness

An MDC tradition


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## pampered_mom (Mar 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
KweenKrunch, I just wanted to say that you have handled yourself so well throughout this thread. Lots of other people (me included) would have been very defensive by now, kuddos to you.

Especially in light of some of the responses the OP has received, which IMO have been far more judgmental and reactionary than even the initial post. It surprises me that there is such a level of hostility in these issues - why is it that any post that says something contrary to one's beliefs (toys, sleep, birth, pregnancy, etc) illicit responses from folks as if it's a personal affront/judgment on the responder's beliefs? Why does it always have to be so personal on discussion forums and the like? I'm a bit surprised that a bit more grace isn't extended, especially given that the OP was likely both looking for advice and venting a bit.


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## Spirit Dancer (Dec 11, 2006)

I did not read all the posts but if this is the worst thing your MIL has done then you sure have a fabulous one. I think you need to chill out.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

I think it's odd that someone would buy a 6 mo old this type of toy. The website says for ages 3 and up. At least with a child that age you can make a toy like this disappear.







Atleast that's what I would do.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Third of all, we try to be ecologically sensitive in this household, and a chainsaw is not exactly our idea of a "green" toy - not only because it's made of plastic but because it represents deforestation and the destruction of non-renewable resources and loss of animal habitat.

chainsaws aren't always used to get rid of trees. They are used to trim trees and make them safer when they get too many branches on them and become unsafe to property.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Haven't read the replies.

I'd let it go. If you hate it, give it away, but I wouldn't make an issue out of it. Plastic/battery toys fall into the annoying but harmless category, IMO.

I know you see it as undermining your parenting, but I doubt your MIL sees it this way. She probably just sees and it and thinks it's cute. (BTW - my kids would probably love that toy!)

For as long as I can remember, my (ex) stepmother gave jewelry to me and my sister for practically every present. My stepmother LOVES jewelry. She's kind of obsessed by it. It has rarely ever been my taste, but I just say thank you and stick it in a drawer. My sister has told her over and over that she doesn't wear jewelry, but still every year it was the same gift. My sister kept getting really angry about it - "Why doesn't she listen to me? Why does she keep giving me a gift she knows I don't want?" etc. But the reality it, people like to give the things that they like. A gift is a gift - you don't get to choose a gift. Say thank you and do what you will with it.


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## NettleTea (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pampered_mom* 
It surprises me that there is such a level of hostility in these issues - why is it that any post that says something contrary to one's beliefs (toys, sleep, birth, pregnancy, etc) illicit responses from folks as if it's a personal affront/judgment on the responder's beliefs?









:


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## Girl In The Fire (Apr 6, 2005)

My sister got the same toy for her ex's kids birthday. She doesn't like him and enjoys irritating him in passive aggressive ways, like buying toys that make loud obnoxious sounds or toys he opposes on some sort of moral ground. HTH


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

Maybe a little over-reaction? You did ask our opinion







.

Um I totaly get that your angry, I hate when my views are over looked....it happened just today with my husband's family. But at the same time......I am grateful my children are remembered in these little ways. I also try to think about other peoples feelings before I get all offended when they try to make a nice gesture. It's a toy, you know, try not to make it too big of a deal. You don't *have* to put batteries in it, and you don't even have to tell him it's a chainsaw..let him use his imagination and figure out for himself what he wants it to be....

My kids have gotten lots of gifts in the past that I have been like....ummmmm NO!

An aunt of my husband gave my daughter a Barbie I totally did not want her to have..I kept it hidden away. She eventually found it







. I didn't take it away from her. She never knew what it represented to me because I didn't make a big deal out of it. She gradually used her own imagination about it and never once caught on about the whole "Barbie movement". It eventually ended up as toy box fodder like all the other toys that end up being forgotten about. Go figure. I didn't even have to fight her over it. It was just one of things...I guess what I mean is I kind of learned to pick my battles.


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## Gertie (Aug 26, 2009)

I understand your concerns about plastics and batteries, etc. But I also agree with the poster who cautioned of cherishing everything your parents and inlaws do for our LOs. We never know when today will be the last. I'd let it go, perhaps mentioning in passing that it wasn't something you'd ideally buy, and he won't be able to use it until he's much older... and then either return it or something. I'm sure in 2-3 years they'll have forgotten all about it


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## ema-adama (Dec 3, 2007)

This is still very raw for me, so I might be totally over reacting myself. But it triggers me that some people are bringing up cherishing parents and IL's gifts not matter what they are. I recently lost my mother very unexpectedly and I do mourn her not being able to give my son toys. But more than that I mourn my son not having his grandmother as a figure in his life.

I do cherish the few toys she was able to give him, and that they are handmade and made with her love makes them even more special to me. I don't know what they will mean to DS when he is older.

I don't even know what bothers me about letting grandparents buy whatever they like because one day they won't be with your child and at least your child will have the gifts they gave them. I guess for me I would prefer the human relationship over the toy - and there are other ways of expressing love other than buying toys.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I am sure there are families who have lost grandparens who do cherish the gifts no matter what they were.


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## seawind (Sep 28, 2007)

to the PP. The mosaic of human relationships are made up of many elements. For many, gifts form a part of those elements. They may be handmade, they may be plastic, store-bought. In (usually) close relationships, such as that of a grandparent and grandchild, they come to represent the love, thought and feelings of the giver. When, you (meant in the general sense), as a parent create friction over such gifts/presents, you create tension in these valued human relationships. Especially, as in the OP's situation, the grandparent is 78 years old. It calls for a certain sensitivity to handle these matters and focus on the larger picture.


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## Jennifer Z (Sep 15, 2002)

Although I agree that the OP is overreacting, it does remind me of my ds' second birthday. My former (thank goodness) SIL gave my 2 year old child a remote control Hummer, meant for 12 years old +, that was bigger than he was. When we picked up the remote control for it and accidently pressed the button, the Hummer ran over a few Christmas boxes and into the tree, knocking the entire thing down, then ran over that before we could figure out how to stop it.









We took it out to my parent's farm, where a vehicle that could run as fast as a real vehicle and strong enough to climb was actually more fun and appropriate. The guys still drag the thing outside and run it around during a lot of family gatherings, but my son still can't drive it well. (but at least it isn't dangerous).

The funniest thing?....it took 8 hours to charge it for 30 minutes of play time. So Hummer like. lol


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## mamarootoo (Sep 16, 2008)

I would tell her how much your girls are enjoying playing with it









I don't think it's a problem to give "gender role" toys. I just think it's important that both "genders" are represented in the child's toy box, regardless of which genitalia the child possesses.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ema-adama* 
This is still very raw for me, so I might be totally over reacting myself. But it triggers me that some people are bringing up cherishing parents and IL's gifts not matter what they are. I recently lost my mother very unexpectedly and I do mourn her not being able to give my son toys. But more than that I mourn my son not having his grandmother as a figure in his life.

I do cherish the few toys she was able to give him, and that they are handmade and made with her love makes them even more special to me. I don't know what they will mean to DS when he is older.

I don't even know what bothers me about letting grandparents buy whatever they like because one day they won't be with your child and at least your child will have the gifts they gave them. I guess for me I would prefer the human relationship over the toy - and there are other ways of expressing love other than buying toys.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I am sure there are families who have lost grandparens who do cherish the gifts no matter what they were.









I'm sorry for your loss. I know where you are coming from. My MIL passed away a couple months ago and while she used to get my kids some pretty stupid/crappy gifts over the years, I will miss the fact that she will no longer be able to attend their birthdays and holidays and just come over and eat with us and spend time with our children and our next child will never get to meet her.







All those years of her getting on my nerves about just about anything and everything just vanished after watching her suffer in the weeks leading up to her death. And this is a woman that I rarely got along with until the last few years of her life. I miss her for my children's sake.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ema-adama* 
This is still very raw for me, so I might be totally over reacting myself. But it triggers me that some people are bringing up cherishing parents and IL's gifts not matter what they are. I recently lost my mother very unexpectedly and I do mourn her not being able to give my son toys. But more than that I mourn my son not having his grandmother as a figure in his life.

I do cherish the few toys she was able to give him, and that they are handmade and made with her love makes them even more special to me. I don't know what they will mean to DS when he is older.

I don't even know what bothers me about letting grandparents buy whatever they like because one day they won't be with your child and at least your child will have the gifts they gave them. I guess for me I would prefer the human relationship over the toy - and there are other ways of expressing love other than buying toys.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I am sure there are families who have lost grandparens who do cherish the gifts no matter what they were.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think that here it's useful to think of the different love languages, not that I've read the book, but for some people, the giving of gifts is how they show love. Certainly there are other ways of showing love but I think that when a person gets to a certain age, indulging their learned or innately preferred love-language is better than trying to improve that person or the relationship. That's really all people are saying.

I think most of us would prefer a grandparent that showed love by taking baby to a nature preserve, for example, and talking to her, or whatever. By reading a story. But those things can be hard for some people for whatever reason.


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

This does seem like a weird gift for a 6 month old since it says 3 and up. But of course, I'm sure your MIL thinks all her grandchildren are so advanced that your 6 month old could be out there felling trees.









Maybe this has been suggested somewhere, but if you feel like you can't return it, could you somehow leave it at Grandma's as a special "Grandma's house" plaything?


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## monkey-lamb (Jun 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
KweenKrunch, I just wanted to say that you have handled yourself so well throughout this thread. Lots of other people (me included) would have been very defensive by now, kuddos to you.

I agree! I have to admit that you have come across as a bit judgmental in some other threads, but after the way you have kept your cool throughout this thread, I see you in a different light and really respect your ability to not get defensive when you obviously feel very passionately about this!


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Based on your OP alone, yes, I think you overreacted. I am guessing, though, that there is probably some history behind your post of which we are unaware.

Honestly? I would donate the toy to a shelter. I think the age inappropriateness strikes me as odd more than anything else.


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## deny_zoo29 (Sep 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
OK, if it were me, I'd take the batteries out and give it to my girls to play with!

As for the values represented by the toy: It's a tool. Like all tools, it can be used in ways that are sustainable or ways that are not. Arborists use them and they are helping keep trees disease free. You can harvest trees sustainably or you can clear cut forests. The tool doesn't change what the people wielding it decide to do.

I don't think it's a bad idea for your kids to understand where wood comes from. If your kids play with wood toys, that wood came from a tree. If you live in a house in the US, have wood furniture, wood toys or use paper of any sort, you use wood. Maybe I'm biased because of where we live (major timber industry here), but I want my kids to understand where wood/paper comes from so we can talk about why it's important to reuse and recycle paper.

OK end of digression. I get that it's gendered. That it's plastic. That it's battery powered. That it's not something you want your kids to play. But, it was most likely given from the heart. If you hate it, smile sweetly, say thank you and give it away at the first opportunity. If you take every gift your MIL gives as undermining your parenting, it's going to be a long parenting journey. My MIL buys cheap junk too. It has nothing to do with me or my values. She buys it because 'it was a good deal'.







I smile sweetly and put it in the pile of things to donate to the next rummage sale at church.
















: I completely agree with this PP who said it all very well and so have several others!


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Second of all, *we don't do plastic OR batteries* - MIL has been told this before and usually respects our wishes, so I have no idea where this came from.

Third of all, *we try to be ecologically sensitive in this household*, and a chainsaw is not exactly our idea of a "green" toy - not only because it's made of plastic but because *it represents deforestation and the destruction of non-renewable resources and loss of animal habitat*.

Forgive me but I have the words "Isn't it ironic" running through my mind. I assume that if you don't do plastic or batteries then you do allow wooden toys? You live in a house? You have furniture? You let the kids read books? But at the same time you don't approve of a chainsaw because it represents cutting down trees/loss of animal habitat/etc?


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Madders* 
I would probably just ask them to return it and buy something age appropriate.

Unless this happens frequently, and you have specifically told them no plastic toys, I highly doubt your MIL was trying to undermind your parenting.

I agree on both parts. It's frustrating for you as the parent and I'm sure her intentions were good. If it does happen again, I think you have the right to say something to her - in a non-chalant way - without causing any conflict or awkwardness.


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## tankgirl136 (Dec 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ema-adama* 
This is still very raw for me, so I might be totally over reacting myself. But it triggers me that some people are bringing up cherishing parents and IL's gifts not matter what they are. I recently lost my mother very unexpectedly and I do mourn her not being able to give my son toys. But more than that I mourn my son not having his grandmother as a figure in his life.

I do cherish the few toys she was able to give him, and that they are handmade and made with her love makes them even more special to me. I don't know what they will mean to DS when he is older.

I don't even know what bothers me about letting grandparents buy whatever they like because one day they won't be with your child and at least your child will have the gifts they gave them. I guess for me I would prefer the human relationship over the toy - and there are other ways of expressing love other than buying toys.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I am sure there are families who have lost grandparens who do cherish the gifts no matter what they were.

First I am so sorry for your loss









I want to say that in regards to things holding memories I feel this is less true for the adults who had time to spend, grow with and know the person and more for the children who might be much younger. My great grandfather had brain cancer and knew he had a short time when I was about 3 years old, his only wish was for us to have some memories of him after he was gone. I have a vague memory of him taking us with him bowling (my Mom confirmed this memory), but I also have two large stuffed toys that he bought for me, made by a local woman. I have held onto those toys until now, and soon they will go to my DS with stories about my great grandfather. It is a great connection to a man I lost when I was so young who meant a lot to my Mom.

While I am lucky to have nice handmade quality pieces to hand down to my son, sometimes if all a child has is a cheap trinkes it still does not make the connection to the person who passed less tangible. It's not the things, but that connection to the person and how much they cared for you, and using those items to tell stories about the person to pass on their legacy to children who might other wise not remember them.

NAK


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## MommyKelly (Jun 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ema-adama* 
This is still very raw for me, so I might be totally over reacting myself. But it triggers me that some people are bringing up cherishing parents and IL's gifts not matter what they are. I recently lost my mother very unexpectedly and I do mourn her not being able to give my son toys. But more than that I mourn my son not having his grandmother as a figure in his life.

I do cherish the few toys she was able to give him, and that they are handmade and made with her love makes them even more special to me. I don't know what they will mean to DS when he is older.

I don't even know what bothers me about letting grandparents buy whatever they like because one day they won't be with your child and at least your child will have the gifts they gave them. I guess for me I would prefer the human relationship over the toy - and there are other ways of expressing love other than buying toys.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I am sure there are families who have lost grandparens who do cherish the gifts no matter what they were.

I agree with this. I wish my Mom and Dad were here to give my children any kind of gift no matter how "wrong" I thought it was.


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## ema-adama (Dec 3, 2007)

I am still thinking about this thread, now for a different reason. My 2nd MIL (not the plastic fan) has just been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. And immediatly the last little toy that she gave DS took on a huge new significance. Of course, she is still alive, but yes, the objects can be very important. DS has no concept of this or any other toy being representative of anything from anyone - it's just something else he plays with. In his future he will know which toys were given to him by which people, if that is something he is interested in knowing.

I really do not have any clear thoughts on this - it is so complex. I am trying to sort through it here, so please bear with me.

As a 5 year old I recieved a stuffed lion from a geat aunt dying of cancer. (We were about to move to South Africa, and she thought a lion would be fitting). My mother never would have given me such a toy (synthetic etc) - and yet I loved this little toy as I knew that it was important to this woman to give it to me and it represented feeling special and loved. And my mother did not conviscate it.

So yes, gifts from elderly terminal relatives are important and it is obviously not a parents place to take the gift away from the giver or the receiver.

With my MIL (the plastic fan) I have stuck my head out. I have demanded that my wishes be respected. She is not terminally ill, she is not elderly and she is a large part of our lives. I cannot accept her gifts (which would be never ending) and then just get rid of them - she would see that they are not in use and not even present. That route just would not have been possible for me, and would have resulted in much money being wasted. In my relationship with her it was important to take plastic out of the equation and just make it about respecting my wishes and not attacking my choices - just like I do not attack her food choices, despite being gravely concerned by artificial sweetners and diet products in general.

The choice of playthings for little children is such a controversial thing. When a family chooses something way out of the norm, it being outside the norm (everyone has plastic and it is virtually impossible to avoid plastic 100%) does not make the choice irrelevant. Once again it comes down to so many parametres and individual families.

I can see when a toy might be loved and appreciated regardless of what it is made out of. And in some instances it would be entirely inappropriate to raise the issues. And in other situations it is entirely within the parents domain to raise concern if toy choices are not in line with how they have chosen to raise their family.

The little pull along donkey that was given to DS by my now ill MIL will be cherished. I hope it lasts for a long time - at least longer than the plastic trolley he was given that is already falling apart.


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