# A deep longing but DH says no



## EllasMummy (Dec 10, 2003)

For the last 6 months or so I have been wanting to have another DC. I was pg in Feb 08 but lost the baby at 5wks pg.

I already have an almost 5yo DD and a 2yo DS and DH says he is done and doesnt want anymore.

I however am not done at all! I would deeply, deeply love to have 2 more DC's but I would compromise with just 1 more.

I can understand DH's view point. He finds newborns very difficult and I had PPD after DS. But, I cannot get myself to the same place.

The ache I have for another child is so strong I don't know how to put it into words. I actually feel it as a physical ache in my heart.









My sister is pg and due in a couple of weeks which is not helping matters.

I just don't know how to deal with this. Has anyone else been through this?
I am so sad.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

not in your situation but I couldn't read and not offer a hug. Maybe really talk to DH and tell him how badly you want another child? Maybe adopt an older child as to avoid the infant phase? I hope you two find peace in your decision.


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## Hesperia (Sep 3, 2007)

s

Get talking with your DP and give him some time to adjust to the idea. I'm sure if he only knew exactly how much this affects you emotionally, he would be more willing to put thought into it.

Hopefully you can come to a place where you are both happy and complete. I hope to one day reach that with my DH as well.

I'm sure I am just repeating myself here, but I find with my DH I either have to focus on the very newborn stages of a child's life or long term to get him to agree with having more (he only wanted one originally). Obviously the newborn bit wont work with your DP.

Best wishes.


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## BHappy (Jun 15, 2008)

Dear *EllasMummy*







. I completely, completely feel you. I am in the same situation with my DH.

I actually feel the longing a bit differently. As a being. I mean, really. KWIM? I know there is a soul near me that is waiting to come. My daughter feels it, too. We have conversations about "Little Sister" regularly. Last cycle, she and I both had a dream on the same night about having a new baby.

DH's feelings are that he wants more of me for himself. Our 3 children are getting more independent, and he isn't wanting to turn back and start over with a wee one. Not that he doesn't enjoy the infancy stage.

We are using condoms for protection against pregnancy, but I keep sending out my wish that a child will come nonetheless. I know it is unlikely, but accidents do happen.







I recently convinced DH that it is actually safe to use no protection during certain days of the month. We are (or have been) very fertile, so he's a bit wary.

I also continue to bring it up with DH whenever I can, and hope not to be too tiring or nagging. Mostly lightheartedly. At times, seriously. So he knows I really want this. I've been going from hopeful to despairing every month it seems. I lurk and post on the TTC boards, even though I'm technically not TTC! Well, _I_ am, but...last I checked it takes _two_!

I don't know what else to do, either. We can make our wishes known. And maybe we'll get on the same page eventually. (BTW, I'm 40, so I know I don't have forever!)


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I personally feel both people need to really want a child. Manipulating someone into them is not going to turn out in the long run.

I'm sorry you're struggling to be on the same page.


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## BHappy (Jun 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lifeguard* 
I personally feel both people need to really want a child. Manipulating someone into them is not going to turn out in the long run.

I'm sorry you're struggling to be on the same page.









Wow, that felt pretty critical.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I didn't mean it to be critical - i apologize. But I've seen too many marriages fall apart when one person didn't want a child.


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## EllasMummy (Dec 10, 2003)

I am certainly not trying to manipulate DH. I don't think I ever mentioned asking how I could persuade him.

I was really just asking how 'I' deal with this emotionally and looking for some support.
I know only too well that DH is unlikely to change his mind so I need to know how to make peace with this situation.

Thank you to all the posters who offered support. Its good to know I'm not the only one going through this.


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## BHappy (Jun 15, 2008)

I admit fully that I do have hope that my DH will change his mind.









But we in this situation do need to find a place of serenity, no matter the outcome. That is my ultimate wish.

Embrace the longing.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Not read all the responses but yes I know exactly where you are coming from. When I was pregnant with DD2 I wanted one more after her and DH said absolutely no. Case closed. End of discussion. But....into my last month of pregnancy and close to the time of delivery we had a heart to heart and he agreed we would try for another one once we could. I was so happy! However, immediately after DD2 was born, I bled and bled and was diagnosed with placenta accreta and almost died in the delivery room. The only way to save me was an immediate emergency hysterecomy. Needless to say I was depressed and shocked after this, especially after how long it took to convince DH to have three children. So, yes I can understand where you are coming hon. I pray you find an answer and hope for you the best.


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## Pookietooth (Jul 1, 2002)

to you mama. I was in your position for three years, three long years. Finally DH turned around, but at 42 my chances are pretty slim. Sigh.


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## Pookietooth (Jul 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lifeguard* 
I didn't mean it to be critical - i apologize. But I've seen too many marriages fall apart when one person didn't want a child.

That may be due not to them not wanting a child, but because there was something already flawed in the marriage, and not wanting a child was just a symptom of it.


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## BHappy (Jun 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pookietooth* 







to you mama. I was in your position for three years, three long years. Finally DH turned around, but at 42 my chances are pretty slim. Sigh.

at least you give me hope, pookie. i wish you all the







: and


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## eirual (Mar 21, 2006)

I feel ya!

I had baby cravings when DS was around 14mos or so (for a long time) but I couldn't actually picture having two at that point. It was an internal longing, but not a real life desire. But now, my gosh! I want it and crave it and I can see it totally working in real life.

DH ocassionally throws out a "if we ever have a girl, she's not wearing that!" or a "if you let me get a vas, I'll save you some sperm and you can use it". I think for DH, he worries alot about our financial stability and the real life stuff, whereas I'm more of the attitude that everything will work itself out or rather you find ways to MAKE it work. Just because a child isn't necessarily 'convenient' doesn't mean it's not worth it. I picture being old and gray with grown children and granchildren and love that thought of having a great family.

I find it difficult to find the happy balance sometimes, like for instance, we had the opportunity to aquire a cat,it belonged to friends who were splitting up so it had all its shots and would cost no more than food for it. Anywhoo, DH really didn't. I decided to get the cat on the assumption DH would come around. He was mad and used the argument, I told you I really DIDN'T want a cat. Well...I really DID, how is me doing something you don't want any worse than you not doing something I want. (really, not rhetorically speaking...insight on this kind of situation would be appreciated). How do you come to a happy medium when both people feel so strong??

...I realise a child is a bigger deal than a cat, which is why we've been successfully avoiding pg now for 1.5 yrs, even though, especialy when I'm O'ing I REALLY just want to throw caution to the wind and let nature take its course.


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## mags (May 4, 2004)

To the OP, I was in your shoes two yrs ago. I desperately wanted another baby, but my DH kept saying no, he's happy with our two boys. Well, about 7 mo ago, my DH finally came around. He said he could tell I really wanted to have another baby, esp a baby girl. I am ok with a boy too, it would almost be easier, just to have another boy, since we have all the boy, "stuff" already. Anyway, what is really weird is that in that past few months *I* am the one who is on the fence. We agreed not to officially ttc until after my youngest turned 3 (this wk). My DH keeps joking every month, "so are your pregnant?" While I am kind of unsure what to think. I have difficult pregnancies (throw up the entire time), and I feel awful for saying this, but am at that point where things are finally getting better, b/c my kids are 3 and 4.5 yrs old, where I feel like I have my act together and am not constantly feeling overwhelmed all of the time. I know I'd love a baby, at the same time i get stressed out during ttc (baby #1 was my clomid baby and I have to take progesterone for the 1st tri for all my pregnancies b/c I have had a hx of miscarriages). So, part of me hopes that maybe I will just get pg soon, and it will clear away the jitters. I know I want another one, but when I think about all the work involved with a newborn (I am totally not a newborn person), and then having to start over again with all the baby stuff. It's like my brain is fighting my heart. My DH still would prefer that we just stop at two, but I know that he would love another child if we had one. I have had a few pg scares in the past couple of yrs and he seemed totally thrilled at the idea of another baby (despite telling me we were finished). So, at this point I just kind of need to give myself a pep talk, b/c my DH is finally on board, and of course now I am the one who is getting cold feet.

I wish you the best of luck. I think that time really helped my DH to change his mind. As the kids got older and a little bit easier (as in, not having to carry them around all of the time, dealing with naps, all the diaper changes, etc.), he became more open minded about it. So, maybe your DH will warm up to the idea like mine did.


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## furfeet (Aug 25, 2007)

I'm in the same boat... I have 2 wonderful DS's but there is something in me that just says the family isn't finished. Sometimes when I see my two kids playing it's like I'm looking for the other one that isn't there. I feel so guilty saying that, I know I should be happy with my 2 but it's like there's another child in my family but he/she isn't here yet! Maybe it's because I come from a family of 3, I don't know.
Which brings me to my next point... I don't mean to scare you but it's something to be aware of.
My father only wanted 2. REALLY only wanted 2, maybe less. Over the years (and over a few margaritas) I learned that my mom kinda tricked my dad into conceiving my little brother (from what I hear margaritas were also involved with that







)
This of course isn't the sole reason he left, but my mom tells me it was the straw that broke the camel's back and he left when my lil bro was about 3.
I used a little sly-ness to get ds2, but dh has never regretted it, which I think would be the case in most families. Obviously dh knew it was a possibility we'd get pg but he kinda thought I'd tell him if I was at a fertile time in my cycle. He didn't ask








I've been on his case for #3 for many many months now, I know he'll give in at some point but I don't want him to "give in" I want him to want it!! We did have a little "oopsie" yesterday, which I don't know if it's his way of saying OK or just an oopsie. I'm not going to bring it up, unless I need to in 2 weeks!!
If you google "husband doesn't want another baby" or something there's a whole crapload of hits. I think this is a common issue... feel your pain, hope you guys can work it out and come to a compromise.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

Same here. I had a pretty tough pregnancy w/ DD so I'm wondering if that has something to do w/ it. He has been adamently saying no for years now, but after a few recent heart to hearts and a little nudging from his mom, I think he realizes that our family is not complete w/ 1 child.








Hang in there and be true to yourself.


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## concerned_dad (Jun 26, 2007)

my wife has the same ache after 4 children and I'm 40 and she is 38.

She begs me for another. I am doing all I can to avoid that. I am barely able to support her and the 4 kids in this economy. Our home went from 300k to 100k in Florida.

He may be looking at it like I am, it is tough being a father in this economy.

Mortgage, cars, school and all that kids want and need for that.

My wife is stay at home mom so its tough.

I wonder if women ever stop that internal need for children, God probably placed that so He can have lots of kids


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

Concerned Dad, thank you for your perspective.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *concerned_dad* 
my wife has the same ache after 4 children and I'm 40 and she is 38.

She begs me for another. I am doing all I can to avoid that. I am barely able to support her and the 4 kids in this economy. Our home went from 300k to 100k in Florida.

He may be looking at it like I am, it is tough being a father in this economy.

Mortgage, cars, school and all that kids want and need for that.

My wife is stay at home mom so its tough.

I wonder if women ever stop that internal need for children, God probably placed that so He can have lots of kids

You sounded just like my DH did until he FINALLY came around. That is point of view I think a lot of women forget (hope you ladies are not mad for me saying this. Not trying to cause waves!) But, I think the internal maternal thing NEVER goes away. I still yearn to be pregnant and I have had a hysterectomy so I know it is impossible, but the feelings are still there and probably will be for a LONG time


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## jenniferlynne (Jun 17, 2006)

I could have written your exact post. I also have two little ones and lost an unplanned baby at 5 weeks last month. I'd vaguely been wanting another one, but after the m/c the longing became intense. DH is not on board, so I'm trying to come to terms with that. I don't have any advice for you... Just lots of hugs. I am trying to just enjoy the two little ones I have and be grateful for them--I am--but I still feel sad. I think we can only hope that, in time, either our DHs will change their minds, or we will find a way to be at peace with not having more babies.


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## aimeesmama (Jun 21, 2006)

I'm getting to be in the same place. We have two girls (almost 4 and 14 months), and I am really wanting to have one more. DH originally only wanted one, but it was a pretty easy sell to get to two. Three just seems to be a quantum leap - we have a 3 bedroom house (so what room would another child have?), we couldn't fit 3 car seats in our car (so we'd need a bigger gas guzzling car), there are two of us (so who could chase down a third?). Plus I know financial issues are in the front of his mind, as I stopped working after our second DD arrived.

Our first child was and is very high needs (and probably ODD if you put a "label" on it), so it has been very tough. I think if our oldest had the personality of our youngest it wouldn't be such a hard sell, as she is incredibly laid back. My youngest stopped nursing 6+ weeks ago, but I am still pumping, so I haven't even gotten my period back yet, so this is all a bit theoretical. I'm turning 40 soon, so I think he thinks we are a bit old, too. I think he thinks it is kind of like we played Russian Roulette and got two healthy children, so why risk it?

I'm pretty sure he won't change his mind on this one, but still hoping I can figure out a way to address his concerns so maybe we can have a meeting of the minds. Big hugs to you other mamas in the same boat!







(and thanks to concerned-dad for your input too.)


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## fantesia28 (Jun 20, 2006)

Hi ladies,

I am in the same boat as many of you!







My DH and I have been having conversations about having a 3rd for well over 2 years now. I thought we were finally getting to a point where we might be in agreement and just go for it. However, after talking last night it appears that is probably not going to be the case.

My DH was going to agree to TTC, but after thinking about it and not being able to convince himself it was the right thing to do, we are probably not going to afterall. He is worried about the economy and the financial side of things. This is hard for me to swallow because I have held out hope for soooo long that things would work out. I feel as though there is someone missing from our family, but my DH doesn't understand that. I guess it's a maternal thing. I totally understand and get my DH's concerns, I just wish that he didn't always have to be so logical. I know that we would be okay - yes, we might at some point not have a ton of extra money, but we would be okay. I guess that is where I am struggling... but at the same time, I can't expect my DH to agree to something that he has concerns about.

If only it were something as simple as buying a pair of shoes... but it's not. It's heart wrenching when you want to have another child and you and your DH can't agree. We are on the same page about so many other things, it's hard when you can't agree one way or another on something as important as a child. I obviously don't want another child without him really wanting one too. I would never ever want to risk our marriage and family. BUT... I really do want another child and somehow I have to figure out how to get through the pain and longing that I have for another child.

I apologize that my post was so long... I really am just kind of emotional about this topic today. I felt that we were going to get to a place where we could make a decision - maybe I was hoping it would go my way and now that it isn't I am not sure how to deal with these feelings.

Thanks for listening - didn't mean to highjack the thread.


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## VT mountaingirl (Oct 1, 2006)

I have been feeling the same as many of you. At least we are not alone. It is so hard to feel these baby pangs and not have DH feeling them too. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that we are not going to have another child, but it is almost like that child is here with me...in my soul. That probably sounds ridiculous, but it is how I feel. I wish I had an easy answer for all of us. Here is a hug for all of you







. Take care and love all of the little ones that are here now.


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## Pookietooth (Jul 1, 2002)

You might want to check out Spirit Babies. The author talks about how you can have a connection to a baby who has not yet been conceived. He has a website here.


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