# Bed-sharing is driving me insane



## emmoss (Feb 3, 2015)

My DS is 4 months old and we have been bed-sharing since day 1. I could REALLY use some help. Up until recently I loved it, but I'm starting to hate it. I love being close, the easy nursing and knowing he is okay, and all the other benefits. But I'm exhausted.

Here are my issues:
-He will only sleep if he is pressed up against me. So he nurses to sleep, then I can't move or move him. So his face is smushed in my breast and I get worried he will suffocate so I don't sleep well.

-I get so uncomfortable sleeping in the same position all night. It hurts so bad but I can't move or he wakes up. I can't put him between DH and I because DH is a rough, heavy sleeper. He would roll on him or pull the blanket over his face.

-DH is getting tired of it. He likes co-sleeping and wants to continue, but hates that we never get to cuddle (other than him spooning me) or be intimate. I personally don't care (I'm too tired to care) but he does and it's affecting us a bit.

-He still wakes up so much, even if I don't move. For the first 3 and last 3 hours he wakes up every half hour. He sleeps 13 hours and is up about 10-12 times. He just nurses and is back to sleep. His doctor said he only _needs_ to nurse 1-2 times a night at his age and that I should be weaning him off the other 8-10 sessions.

So we brought his crib out and we side-carred it. I was hoping I would be able to nurse him to sleep on his mattress then I'd rolls away. It's firm so he won't feel me leave. But if I do that he wakes up every 15 minutes like clockwork. After 3-4 times he screams inconsolably for a while.

I'm just so tired. I hardly get any sleep as it is, and the sleep I do get is awful quality. I have to nap every time DS does and get nothing done at all. Family is completely against bed-sharing so I keep getting told he's like this because we bed-share and to let him CIO (which I absolutely will not do). I just need some sleep .


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Just lost my reply. Typing on my phone while my own 4 month old sleeps on me. No expert (clearly), but in a similar situation. I'll try to get in the laptop tomorrow to share some ideas.


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## Angelorum (Aug 5, 2006)

There are lots of good ideas in the no-cry sleep solution book. But mostly I wanted to say that I've found when I've had to transition my babies/toddlers to something new (be it the sleep arrangement or whatever) that it usually sucks a lot for the first couple of days, and then dramatically improves after that if I stick with the new program. I am not suggesting you CIO at all (I never have), but some crying while you are there to comfort him might be part of the process of changing things and I think that's fundamentally different from leaving him to cry alone.


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## littlebear3 (Jul 1, 2014)

I was where you are not long ago with a very high needs baby who had to be next to me nursing every 2hrs. When i was exhausted, reluctantly, it'd put her in the motorized swing. Its the only time i could get a chunk of quality sleep, but that was a last resort.

As another poster said, those transitions take time. We went from the pack n play,to crib,to swing, to cosleeping in two different beds. Each transiting took around a week or so, but then it was much better.

The best thing that ever happened for us for cosleeping was night weaning. The timing and frequency is whatever works for your family, but for us...i/we didn't sleep through the night until she was night weaned around 6-8Months. It was a 2 month process. Started slow, weaning a feeding here and there until down to one a night. Then continually shortened the one feeding until the cold turkey night. Shed wake up wanting to nurse, but after a week, she was good. We still nurse to sleep. 

For you, sounds like just cutting down the number of feedings could get you some quality sleep.

Also, white noise can work wonders for the light sleeper. The startle reflex should start going away, and that makes moving positions or sneaking out easier.


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## aml1676 (Jul 24, 2013)

At 4 months, my daughter was very similar... I joked that even though we have a giant king-size bed, we could probably get by with a twin, because she was plastered to my side! For the last couple of months, though, it's been much better. She FINALLY discovered that she can sleep on her tummy, so once she's done nursing she tends to settle a little farther away from me, allowing me to roll to my other side to sleep, or adjust myself any other way I need to. So, all of that to say it will likely get better as your LO gets a little older.

As far as nursing, a couple of things. First, know that doctors get very, very, very little education about breastfeeding. I would take anything and everything your doctor says about breastfeeding - nutrition in general, really - with an enormous grain of salt. Your LO may not need nutrition, but rather comfort. Nursing is so much more than just nutrition for them. For all of those nursing sessions, are they more like a quick session and he goes back to sleep? If yes, I'd call that comfort sucking rather than feeding, and if it were me? I wouldn't restrict that at all. With all the discomfort that comes with bedsharing, I remind myself very frequently that my daughter will only be this little once, and very briefly  Soon she'll understand when I scoot her over, she won't want to nurse as frequently at night, and eventually, she'll move to her own bed. Just not yet! :crying:

As far as "cuddle time" with your SO, I think I'd carve time out outside of bedtime for that. I'm single, so have NO frame of reference, but have read enough posts to know it's an issue that many families deal with. The family bed is relatively temporary in the timeline of your family!


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## Sunflower80 (Feb 11, 2013)

I don't know how your doctor can say how often your baby needs to feed at night, they are all so different. I wouldn't mess around with how often he feeds.
My eldest was the same and I will say that it wont last, 4 months is still very young so hang in there. Try to relax, they can pick up when Mom is feeling anxious. It sounds as if you both (you and your baby) are quite light sleepers and are maybe waking each other up, especially if you're not comfortable. But remember that babies faces are designed to be squashed up against its mother's breast, their noses squash flat and they can breathe fine, although I know it's easier to tell someone else to relax with their baby than it is to do the relaxing!
Take no notice of what people are saying, they need to keep out of it, you need to find your own way and do what feels right. I think he's just going through a stage of needing you more, ignoring these needs wont make them go away, they'll just go on for longer so let it happen and in the meantime carry on sleeping when he does.
Does he sleep anywhere without you in the early evening so you can have some alone time with your partner? Or through the day at weekends? This too wont last long though, I remember how frustrating it feels but believe me, it wont last for long.
Sorry i don't have any magic solutions for you.


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## itzj (Sep 17, 2008)

*not*

I can say without a doubt that up unil a year my babies NEEDED to nurse at night. Suggesting a 4 mo doesn't is crazy to me.

Could you try getting babe to allow you to spoon him? I've always felt super safe when I had one arm around their bellies but their face was away.

I wish I had words of wisdom on the dh front. For our family it has worked for us to sleep in different beds during the week so that dh got sleep and I didn't resent him not getting up to help. Because of that I could switch sides easily. Is it ideal? No. But our relationship was going to suffer more if I was dead tired. My sanity trumped his ideal physical needs.


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## farmer (Mar 11, 2008)

I just wanted to echo the above sentiments. Parenting a tiny baby is HARD, and I found that co-sleeping with all my babies/toddlers was still the easiest way to go about nighttime parenting.

I was "lucky" in that my first baby was my most needy at night. I kid you not--this child nursed latched on ALL. NIGHT. LONG. For over two years. I just flipped her back and forth. Her father was also a heavy sleeper, and we had a king-sized bed, so I got one of those long body pillows to put between us, so that there was a barrier between him and the baby. I finally night-weaned her when I was halfway through my pregnancy with her sister, so she was maybe 32 months old? 

My subsequent children also had nighttime needs, but not quite as intense. My current little guy is 23 months old, and still nurses frequently through the night. He's a crazy-active toddler who eats plenty of food, but catches up on calories at night. I would't try to restrict nighttime nursing with a baby/toddler because of that. 

Sometimes framing things in a big picture way really helps your perspective. Yesterday, my 14 year-old son had a friend over, with his mom who is my friend. The five of us (including my little son) were sitting at the table eating lunch. The big boys were being silly, talking about their worst fears and how to conquer them. They asked us what our worst fears were, and (I didn't say this) what popped into mind, was losing one of my children. So, when I am frustrated with the crazily wiggling pinching kicking nursing child in my bed (yes, I get frustrated!), I think, imagine if he was suddenly gone from our lives? How horrible would that be?! 

Not to downplay what you're feeling, but I'd maybe try to figure out a way to flip him back and forth a bit (try the pillow?), and maybe you could do a swing/stroller/bouncy chair thing for when you and DH need some adult time. That IS super-important, especially for our partners, I think, because we are SO into our babies, and they miss out on a lot of intimate connection time. I remember being SO tired when my son was that age, but always was so pleased when I managed to stay awake enough to have that time with DP. 

Hang in there, it really will get better! And absolutely nap with that baby! And, as far as getting stuff done during the day, do you have a baby carrier of any type? When my babies were that age, they were in one at all times other than when nursing/in bed/being held by dad/sibling)

 Good luck mama!


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