# found kids playing naked - how best to handle it?



## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

My 5 year old just had a play date with her friend from school, also a 5 year old girl. When it was time for her friend to leave, the other mom and I went upstairs to get them and found the girls in dd's bed, completely naked. After they got dressed, the other girl climbed on top of my dd and was rubbing herself on her. I could tell dd was uncomfortable but really likes her friend. After she left, we talked about it a little bit. dd knows that we always keep our clothes on with other people, but her friend only wanted to play this and told her to keep it a secret or else she wouldn't be her friend anymore.I told dd she wasn't in trouble and reminded her that while this girl is a special friend, friends should never make you keep a secret from your mom and dad, especially if it is about something that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way.

I want to give the girls their privacy and I know that this kind of play happens between children at this age. There was an incident this summer at the playground where the same girl showed dd her vulva and told her not to tell - didn't ask dd to show hers, until today. Her older brother (7) is very affectionate - frequently tells my other dd (7) that he loves her and wants to hug and kiss her many times a day - fortunately the school helps put some limits around that. I feel uncomfortable with the constant rubbing, kissing, hugging tightly that these kids do. I could use some advice on the best way to handle this - they are friends and that is fine, but I do not want dd put in this position again.

Thanks for your input! This is one of those situations where I would have known what I would say last week, but in the moment I feel like I am scrambling to do the right thing.


----------



## octobersweethearts (Feb 27, 2004)

I agree that this sort of play is natural and I think you probably handled it well by not making too big of a deal about it but still talking about it with her a little bit.

One thing does bug me about it though...the little girl telling her to keep it a secret. My initial reaction is that it implies she has been told to keep it a secret from someone else. Like someone doing it to her. Like an adult.

I could totally be off base but that was my reaction. I would think that if it was just natural curiosity, they would never think of making sure it was kept a secret. I guess it could be that she may have been caught by her mom before and was scolded for it, but something about that just raised a red flag for me









Secondly, if you are kind of feeling weird (intuition?) about the overall touchiness of the family, I would listen to that. You are picking up on something and I wouldn't ignore it.

Sexual play & exploration is totally normal and I know you don't want to make a big deal of it because you don't want your daughter to grow up feeling that sex is bad, etc. and I totally agree with that 100%. Just some of the way you explained it would make me want to investigate a little more.


----------



## beansricerevolt (Jun 29, 2005)

:
The secret part also gave me a red flag.
Trust your instincts.


----------



## be11ydancer (Dec 2, 2003)

I agree with the other posters. Your intuition is what you should be listening to. I would be worried about sexual abuse of some kind in that family. It would make me very uncomfortable if my kids were in the same situation.


----------



## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

I think the thing that rings a little bit to me is that your dd didn't seem to really want this play either - she was just going along with it not enjoying it. I think even in children this kind of play should be somewhat mutual for it to be healthy. If one doesn't really want to do it - that's not a good thing IMO.


----------



## Jenne (May 21, 2004)

What was the other mama's reaction? This would be really key in what *my* next step would be. Did she overreact or underreact in your opinion? I have all kinds of red flags because your post didn't say anything about her reaction so I am assuming she brushed it off which with having both a daughter and a son acting in a similiar way really is a GIANT red flag. As previous posters said, most kids don't try to talk other kids into sexual games. And the rubbing on your dd after your dd was dressed and trying to leave seems, well, inappropriate for an audience aka you and her mama.

Good job talking with your dd. How about talking with friend's mama?

Jenne


----------



## MrsMoe (May 17, 2005)

Something seems "off" to me here. I honestly wonder if the child who was rubbing against your daughter is sexually this aware for a reason? I have some serious red flags here...


----------



## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

I think you handled it great. I would not assume that there was abuse going on, as many other posters suggested (though it's never something to discount, either). I remember playing "doctor" when I was 4, and we did keep it a secret not because we were abused in any way, but because nudity, etc. was such a clear taboo in our society- we knew that, even at 4, and didn't have to ask to know it.


----------



## ~Nikki~ (Aug 4, 2004)

Quote:

I remember playing "doctor" when I was 4, and we did keep it a secret not because we were abused in any way, but because nudity, etc. was such a clear taboo in our society- we knew that, even at 4, and didn't have to ask to know it.
I was just about to post the same thing.







I clearly remember playing these sorts of games around the age of 4-6ish, and it was a big secret. Not because of a history of abuse, but just because we thought we'd get in trouble for it (my parents were very modest, and raised us that way, too. We were discouraged from running around naked as toddlers/young children, for example).

I think you handled it well. Just keep the lines of communication open, and make sure that she knows to go to you if the friend makes her feel uncomfortable in the future.


----------



## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

My dd is frequently naked with her friends because they don't want dress up clothes to go on top of regular clothes. If a friend doesn't want to get naked first, no one cares, she just throws the stuff on top of her clothes. I have never seen or heard of any rubbing or examining of body parts although I would probably be ok with the examining (curious kids, etc) but I would have a hard time with the rubbing.

We are fairly open about nudety at home. Now that she is older we expect her clothes to stay on when boys are over, or for her to go into another space to change. She has developed a bit of modesty which comes and goes.

I think you handled your situation well. I would have made sure that my dd knew that she could say NO if she was uncomfortable about the rubbing. This would be a discussion more so, I wouldn't be punishing her or anything.

Amy


----------



## lula (Feb 26, 2003)

I think the secret thing is probably somewhat normal. I do know though that in our "games/exploration" it was mutual. That is the part that would bother me the most, also the fact that the son is similar...I am not normally bothered by similar situations but this is just a little odd...I think the reaction of the other mother is a good thing to feel out.

ok, thinking about this some more and the non-mutual, do this or I won't be your friend kind of feel is the part that would really bother me. I would not want my dd in a situation where she felt pressured to do something with her body that was intimate, if not strictly sexual, with another person just because she is friends. That would bother me, a lot, no matter what age. I don't think the fact that she is young negates this.


----------



## shell024 (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *srain*
I think you handled it great. I would not assume that there was abuse going on, as many other posters suggested (though it's never something to discount, either). I remember playing "doctor" when I was 4, and we did keep it a secret not because we were abused in any way, but because nudity, etc. was such a clear taboo in our society- we knew that, even at 4, and didn't have to ask to know it.

My cousins and I did this. Somehow it seemed "shameful" after the fact. But we did it anyway.


----------



## lilsishomemade (Feb 12, 2005)

Okay, I don't find the play very unusual, as I did this, also. We also kept it a big secret. But, I don't like the pressure the other girl is putting on your daughter. Now would be a wonderful time to begin teaching your daughter that she has every right to say "No" if she doesn't want to do something, especially as it concerns her body.

If she seems reluctant to be defiant to this girl, meaning she wants to keep being friends and wants her to still come over, ask if she'd rather you make a rule to play in the living room or something like that? Maybe the next time she comes over, everyone can play a game together or watch a movie?

I find nothing wrong with sexual curiosity, but no one should ever feel forced into it. This could lead to some confused feelings later on, and I think you talking to your daughter about it was the best way to handle it.


----------



## SunRayeMomi (Aug 27, 2005)

I too had this situation arise as a kid. I remember my younger brother had a good friend who had a brother my age. The four of us were at their house and the older brother held me down and kissed me. So it does happen to everyone, more or less.

I too agree this is natural play for any child. But the fact that this girl knew that this kind of behavior is something to be kept secret could mean one of two things. That

A. her parents have seen her act this way before and it made _them_ uncomfortable so they told her they don't want to see it again
or
B. she did indeed have an encounter with an adult and they told her to keep the encounter a secret.

I think it's dangerous to jump to conclusions seeing as though either scenario is completely plausable. This is a head-scratcher. I think you handled it very well. If you are thinking about doing anything more than the one talk.... I'm not sure...... but I think the next step would be to just make sure that your child is never alone with another adult at this friend's house. Just to be sure. This may cause a strain on the relationships involved, but like pp said, judge the other mom's reaction and go with your guts.


----------



## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I don't see anything to desturbing either. I did it and kept it secret. Being naked was dirty enough









Anyhow we discuss that you should only keep secrets that make you feel good. Like if you were to buy someone a gift. It would make you feel good. If a secret made you feel bad or you don't know how it makes you feel to keep it, discuss it.

***********
Could they be just a more touchy feely family? I know my kids have made other parents feel funny (non-homeschool) because my kids are so close. I know my son 11 has made people nervous because he loves babies. He will go talk to them and play with them and this makes them think something is not normal because his behavior even though innocent is not normal in our world. Review your feelings......they could be founded in something isn't right but it could be that something just is different than from your ways/beliefs/world.


----------



## SunRayeMomi (Aug 27, 2005)

Marsupialmom, to add to your "touchy feely" family comments....

I think that sometimes I may make others uncomfortable with my touchiness with my dd. I love to pinch her little buttcheeks. To me they are the cutest things I've ever seen in my life. We do a lot of rear-smacking here. I do it to her when she's least expecting, she does it back... kinda football player after a good game!!! If she's getting into the tub, she know not to show me that cute butt because then she'll get it!







she did it to her godmother once and it really annoyed her, even though she knows that it's our "thing". So I could imagine what a stranger would think








probably that we're a bunch of whackos!


----------



## hipchick (Nov 5, 2005)

I played doctor quite a bit when I was between about 5-8. It started out as a way to get attention, where I would lift up my dress or pull down my pants in front of other children. Later, I indulged in mutual exploration with both boys and girls.
My dd is now 4, and she has no concept of modesty. She is frequently naked or just in her panties around the house, which I don't have a problem with. Last week, a neighbor told me that she saw dd naked in front of a couple of boys (who were dressed). When I asked dd what happened and if she was pressured, she told me that the boys told her to undress and she didn't think anything of it.


----------



## UmmBnB (Mar 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Nikki~*
I was just about to post the same thing.







I clearly remember playing these sorts of games around the age of 4-6ish, and it was a big secret. Not because of a history of abuse, but just because we thought we'd get in trouble for it (my parents were very modest, and raised us that way, too. We were discouraged from running around naked as toddlers/young children, for example).

I think you handled it well. Just keep the lines of communication open, and make sure that she knows to go to you if the friend makes her feel uncomfortable in the future.

double ditto


----------



## be11ydancer (Dec 2, 2003)

My parents raised us to be modest as well. They taught us that our bodies were ours and that we needed to keep them to ourselves until we got married, and to respect our bodies. I didn't feel the need to show myself off or anything. I never had the urge to play doctor and wasn't comfortable with friends who did. I don't think that kind of play is necessary for all children and I would be uncomfortable if my kids did that.


----------



## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

What, exactly, is going on with that family? I grew up in a very huggy, cuddly family, and the way those kids act seems... off.

In your situation, I think that I wouldn't allow as much privacy with this friend. (I'd also watch how she interacts with dolls.)


----------



## Lousli (Nov 4, 2003)

I remember playing doctor at this age, and keeping it a secret because I thought I'd get in trouble if my parents/other adults found out. I know I talked one little neighbor girl into playing doctor with me even though she didn't want to. I wasn't a bully, per se, just really curious about something that most people seemed so taboo and uptight about. No one taught me about other people's limits, personal space, pressuring people, or anything like that, even though my family was fairly open about sex and nudity.

It always bothers me that people almost always assume the worst (abuse) if there is some "weirdness" involved. I mean, on the one hand, it is important to trust your instincts and protect your children, but otoh, it is important to remember that sexual exploration is completely normal and that kids understand that sex is a big taboo in our society (hence the secrecy). I would have a conversation with the other child's mom, explain the pressuring, and ask the mom to talk to her daughter about being respectful of other's bodies.


----------

