# My midwife just called . . . autopsy report. PLEASE read



## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

T (midwife) just called. The autopsy results came in (she hasn't seen them, but the midwife that has called her).

No major abnormalities - I think this is good, I guess. I don't know. It might be easier to process if there had been something obvious wrong.

BUT.

And it's a major BUT.

Jessie was not a baby girl. 'She' is baby Jesse. Baby boy parts inside.
I've mourned my daughter for over 2 weeks only to find out that she never was my daughter, but my son.

T has contacted the funeral home already - they're having all the official paperwork changed to reflect that Jesse was a boy. Some had said gender unknown, some had said girl.

They're going to find out if the engraving on the urn can be buffed out and redone to reflect the 'proper' spelling.


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## ladyjools (May 25, 2009)

(((((hugs))))))
we are in similar predicament because even though our baby looked like a boy on the outside i have been told it could still be a girl, so i am thinking boy but preparing myself for the fact that autopsy could show girl,
kind of confusing and does not help with my grief,

Jools


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

Wow, that must have come as quite a shock. How are you feeling, I can imagine this has put you on a new rollercoaster ride?

That's good that the funeral home can make the required adjustments for you.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)




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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ecstaticmama24* 
How are you feeling, I can imagine this has put you on a new rollercoaster ride?

Honestly, at the moment, I kind of feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.


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## coffee.caugh (Apr 9, 2009)




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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I felt really messed with when I found out a month after I lost my baby boy that I had been carrying his dead twin inside and NOBODY knew it....I felt like someone was really pushing me toward the deep end. It was really weird to understand that the name we had chosen "Simon Alexander" was really supposed to be Simon AND Alexander. It's really hard to shift around in the midst of falling....it gives you whiplash!!!!







:

So sorry your going through such a sickening ride.


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## jgc920 (Jun 28, 2005)




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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Oh LisaBear...that's very shocking news. I hope you are able to process this new info







So very sad for you. But you are in the right place. These mommas are here to help you and give you great advice. Keep their words close to your heart, as we keep you closse to ours. You are truly in my thoughts and i will keep you there.

Emerging BUtterfly, what a sad and amazing story







Isn't it amazing how as mothers we just KNOW- even when it's the worst, we know.

Breathe, Love, Live. You are all so strong- you give me strength through the computer waves. Blessings ~Yarngoddess~


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

We went through the same thing.

After delivering what appeared to be my son (there was something there, nothing obvious, but looked like it was *probably* male genitals rather than female) we found out that he was actually a she when the autopsy reports came back. So for 6 weeks I had bonded with the idea of my son, named him (as you can see by my sig, boy name, pink angel), etc, then we were thrown for that loop!

It was so weird for me for a little bit&#8230;. Especially as my son insisted that the baby was his little sister, even after I told him the baby was a boy.

Anyway, I'm sorry that there is something else to deal with, on top of everything else. Things like this are just so tough


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

Thank you.

It's not the spelling thing - we are going to formally change what we can, but it's not truly that important in the grand scheme.

I need something concrete to grab on to at the moment though - I feel like my grasp on reality is tentative at best right now. And that concrete thing is the spelling. Why ? Because that is something, the only thing, that I have control over about this whole thing.

I have grieved a daughter that never existed. For over two weeks. We knew that there was a chance, however slight, that this would occur. But the more people who saw Jesse and said that they saw 'girl' the more convinced we were that this was our daughter.

Convinced enough, in mind and heart, that we bought a pink blanket for 'her' casket. The pinkish / purple daisies for the funeral spray were a mistake - I only ordered daisies, and had NO IDEA that they would come in anything other than just white ! At the time though, the colour seemed appropriate.

Now, the only photos we have of our SON are in a pink blanket, with pink flowers, a pink hat, and a floral 'wrap' ! Sure - I can photoshop the pink to green or blue or yellow or anything else, but I can never forget.


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## Krystal323 (May 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry mama--you really didn't need any more emotional yanking-around...


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

although we did not have a shocker like this after Matthew died, i can only imagine what you must be feeling. we have so little when we lose a baby... and the small choices we make, like what color flowers, outfit, blanket, which casket, marker, urn, etc. are VERY important. i'm so sorry that you didn't get to make the choices you would have made had you known that your precious Jesse was a boy.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

If it is any comfort at all...and I am sure it won't be...I just wanted you to know that all of my sons love pink. They wear it all the time...and the youngest boy, my sweet Bear, has told me again and again that pink makes him happy. Imagine my surprise when I read a study that said that just being in a pink room for 15 minutes has been shown to alleviate stress and make people feel happier. So.....it's really o.k. that he was surrounded in pink...we only started dressing boys in blue to protect them from evil spirits back in the day...I only say this to comfort you...pink is a boy color too. it really is.

Our twins seemed to emanate purple (lavender) and yellow...we saw those colors everywhere. everywhere. It was like they were saying hello every time I saw a purple or yellow flower. That was even before we knew their were twins..and I remember feeling so blown away that we had the two names, and the two colors...it was like I was being told all along that there were two of them...

Anyway...none of this is to say that your dismay is unfounded. You have just lost your understanding of your child AGAIN...and it's horrible for you. You lost what you thought you had...and it must make you just feel so robbed, simply because you lost your baby and tried to hold on to what little you could...and then you found out what you were holding on to wasn't real. sigh. So horrible. ((HUG!))


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

I am so sorry that you had to deal with such a huge shock after losing Jesse. Like Emerging Butterfly said, I don't think you should feel bad for using pink/purple colors for him... They are beautiful colors, and it's apparent that you love your child regardness of gender







If I have a son one day, I'm sure he'll have his fair share of wearing "girl" things with three older sisters. I can even picture my oldest two dressing him in their princess costumes (tee hee!) Lots of thoughts of strength and healing coming your way, mama.


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *calmom* 
... the small choices we make, like what color flowers, outfit, blanket, which casket, marker, urn, etc. are VERY important. i'm so sorry that you didn't get to make the choices you would have made had you known that your precious Jesse was a boy.









This is it EXACTLY, calmom. We would have done things different. But that can NEVER happen now. Every little thing, no matter how tiny or insignificant it seemed to anyone else was monumental to us.


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## GearGirl (Mar 16, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your shock with Jesse, what a roller coaster of emotions.


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GearGirl* 
I'm so sorry for your shock with Jesse, what a roller coaster of emotions.


That it has been. Very much so.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)




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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry. Now you must grieve the loss of the choices you would have made. That has to be so hard on top of everything else. I am just so sorry.


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

Thank you.


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## Etoile (May 8, 2002)

:


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I know how big of a deal this is to you, Lea. It's the _only_ thing you have so of course you would want it to be right (spelling, colors, etc...). I'm so sorry.







Many prayers are still being said for you and I wish you peace and healing each day.


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