# why is brushing teeth such a power struggle?



## tayallie (Apr 2, 2009)

Everyday, my dd brushes her teeth, morning and night. I dread this time. I have her stand on a step stool and brush them herself, which really is just her sucking on the toothbrush. Then, I tell her it's my turn. That I have to make sure they are extra cleaned. She will push me away, yell, scream, hit. So, consequently I hold her hands together and brush them real quick. But, to me it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do b/c she cries and says mommy no and is very dramatic.

Any suggestions? Oh, it is the same way when I try to brush her hair!


----------



## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

I don't know is this is considered GD - so I hope I don't get any









When DS was really giving me hell about tooth brushing I sat down with him and had a talk about how teeth are a part of our body, and how they are "alive" so to speak, not just little rocks in his mouth. And how we need to take care of them and if we don't -- they rot. And I showed him some photos on the computer of tooth decay.







:

It was so gross, it really made an impact on him. Tooth brushing is no longer an issue.


----------



## leighi123 (Nov 14, 2007)

Levi hated the regular toothbrush - I got him an electric one and he loves that! He will brush his teeth until the battery wears out and it needs to be recharged. I let him do it and then ask if I can 'try' and brush a few teeth at a time and then give it back to him.


----------



## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
I don't know is this is considered GD - so I hope I don't get any









When DS was really giving me hell about tooth brushing I sat down with him and had a talk about how teeth are a part of our body, and how they are "alive" so to speak, not just little rocks in his mouth. And how we need to take care of them and if we don't -- they rot. And I showed him some photos on the computer of tooth decay.







:

It was so gross, it really made an impact on him. Tooth brushing is no longer an issue.










My husband recently did this. Now he has a picture of a nice friendly lady with awful teeth on his iPhone, and we show it to them when they are balking about the teeth. It really does somehow help!

The biggest thing to help, though, was taking them to the pediatric dentist and having it be a good experience. And using the Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella toothbrushes they got there.








:


----------



## Erin M (Nov 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OGirlieMama* 
The biggest thing to help, though, was taking them to the pediatric dentist and having it be a good experience. And using the Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella toothbrushes they got there.







:


We had the same experience. Only with purple toothbrushes. The change in attitude wasn't immediate but within a month of the dentist visit DD would ask to lean back in my arms while I brush her teeth "like at the dentist". Her ped predicted that it would happen. I have no explanation for the shift, I did nothing different. (that I realize)


----------



## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I think I can tell you why it is such a battle...b/c think how awful it would be to have someone else brush your teeth.
OMG..the mere thought of it is horrible.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it but I can totally see the kids side of it.

BTW right now we are singing, "Who let the toothbrush out?? Brush brush brush brush brush"

Sung to the tune of "who let the dogs out?" B/c DS is totally into Monster trucks and this is one of the trucks themes.


----------



## AmandaClare (Aug 22, 2008)

We take turns brushing the stuffed animals' teeth first, then try on each other. Once my son sees me brushing his favorite puppy's teeth, he wants a turn.


----------



## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

Stop brushing her teeth. Stop brushing her hair. Let her own her body so she does not feel that you violate her several times a day. Let her do it herself, as best she can, if she wants. I realize this is unconventional advice, but listen- don't train your daughter to allow people to do things to her body that make her feel uncomfortable.


----------



## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *averlee* 
Stop brushing her teeth. Stop brushing her hair. Let her own her body so she does not feel that you violate her several times a day. Let her do it herself, as best she can, if she wants. I realize this is unconventional advice, but listen- don't train your daughter to allow people to do things to her body that make her feel uncomfortable.

What's your philosophy on butt wiping, then?









On some level you do have a point, but on another, it would be neglectful to let my child suffer from tooth decay (which she already has, and are managing quite well with alternative techniques), but tooth brushing must be done. I know what it feels like to have my teeth rotting out of my head, because my parents didn't take care of my teeth the way that they should have. I suffered with the pain and humiliation of having brown, pitted, rotting baby teeth, and most of the photos taken when I was younger prove it. I never smiled with an open mouthed smile until after my adult teeth came in, and I remember being super self-conscious and embarrassed about my teeth.







.

Anyways, distraction worked when she was younger. Singing, watching her favorite YouTube videos of cute animals were very effective. Now that she is older, her dentist explained to her that she has "sugar bugs" in her mouth, and that we want to say bye bye to them. She's 3.5, and she understands that, so we play a game of looking for the sugar bugs, chasing them with the toothbrush, and saying bye bye to them after she gargles them out. I also give her a chance to brush her own teeth before I get in there and really brush for her.


----------



## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

I realize my viewpoint may be wacky, so no offense taken. Yes, dental hygiene is important, and l didn't mean to dismiss that. Hair brushing is not actually for hygiene, though, and can be abandoned completely with no health consequences.
Our dentist and pediatric dental hygienist told us: 1 decent toothbrushing session a day is enough for most kids under 5, and for kids under 2, just touching the bristles of the brush against a tooth counts as a success, because we are trying to instill good lifelong habits through positive experiences.
I know, in my heart of hearts, that it feels very wrong when I force my daughter to let me do things to her body. I cringe inside when she begs, no, mommy, please, no. I know I have to wipe her butt, wipe her nose, and pick the gravel out of her skinned knees. I am her mother and sometimes I do things to her that she hates. That's why my instinct, gut response is, stop brushing her teeth. She is learning to accept the feeling bodily violation, 3x daily, from the person she loves most and trusts fully. She is learning that healthy teeth are more important to you than her feelings.


----------



## spughy (Jun 28, 2005)

Ok I am one of the most GD mamas out there, but on the toothbrushing, there is no choice. DD is fine with it now (learned helplessness, I'm sure) but we did go through some rough patches of kicking and screaming.

Yeah, I'm sure it IS unpleasant to have someone else brush your teeth. But if you're a child, and you occasionally eat sugar, dried fruit, white flour, rice or potatoes, you NEED to have your teeth brushed. What's worse, 30 seconds or so of discomfort, or months of actual PAIN due to tooth decay?

One thing that can be fun is have the child do the morning brushing and you do the post-lunch and pre-bed brushings. And certainly good experiences at pediatric dentists help - DD actually started to get a lot better after her first dentist visit, now that I think of it. Having the dentist "show mummy" how to do it properly was good.







(I'm the daughter of a dentist.)

On the hair thing though - if she won't let you brush it, why not just cut it short? A friend of mine did this to her DD's hair and it's awfully cute and they have no more brush struggles. Alternately, get a really, really good brush. My DD wasn't a fan of the brushing until we got a big, thickly-bristled boar-bristle brush. It gets the tangles out beautifully and doesn't hurt at all. Also, dampening the brush beforehand works well too.


----------



## spughy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *averlee* 
She is learning that healthy teeth are more important to you than her feelings.

She is learning that her long-term health is more important than her short-term feelings. I'm not getting where this is bad. A simple, sincere "I know you don't like this, but I also know that we need to do it so your teeth don't start rotting, hurting and falling out." should reassure her that it's not just arbitrary torture.

I like the idea of showing pictures of rotten teeth, too. That's a good one, wish I'd thought of it two years ago!


----------



## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *averlee* 
.
Our dentist and pediatric dental hygienist told us: 1 decent toothbrushing session a day is enough for most kids under 5, and for kids under 2, just touching the bristles of the brush against a tooth counts as a success, because we are trying to instill good lifelong habits through positive experiences.
I know, in my heart of hearts, that it feels very wrong when I force my daughter to let me do things to her body. I cringe inside when she begs, no, mommy, please, no. I know I have to wipe her butt, wipe her nose, and pick the gravel out of her skinned knees. I am her mother and sometimes I do things to her that she hates. That's why my instinct, gut response is, stop brushing her teeth. She is learning to accept the feeling bodily violation, 3x daily, from the person she loves most and trusts fully. She is learning that healthy teeth are more important to you than her feelings.

I had a visceral response to the implication that by brushing my daughter's teeth, it is somehow a setup for vulnerability for abuse and bodily violation, and that the priority is clean teeth over her feelings. As a survivor of childhood abuse, I find the analogy incredibly distasteful.

How about...she is learning that mama and daddy help me take care of my personal hygeine until I can do it myself. Believe me, I would much rather her brush her teeth completely independently in an effective manner, but her motor skills are just not there yet.

I have a great deal of respect for her body, which includes making sure that her teeth don't hurt and rot out of her skull. Explain to me how a minute or two of tooth brushing while we laugh and sing and make goofy faces in the mirror equates to a violation of her body and the prioritization of dental health over emotional health.


----------



## proudmomof4 (Aug 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hipumpkins* 
BTW right now we are singing, "Who let the toothbrush out?? Brush brush brush brush brush"

Sung to the tune of "who let the dogs out?" B/c DS is totally into Monster trucks and this is one of the trucks themes.

I still have tears running down my cheeks from giggling - great!
This leads to my suggestion: try to have Dad do it - sometimes it's a lot more fun when Dad gets out the "excavator toothbrush" or the "sugar bugs sweeper".
In our family this was an issue with one child who is very sensitive (highly "receptive"). We got there with patience and insistence. I've always tried to stay calm and loving but I communicated that toothbrushing was not up for discussion.


----------



## MittensKittens (Oct 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
I don't know is this is considered GD - so I hope I don't get any









When DS was really giving me hell about tooth brushing I sat down with him and had a talk about how teeth are a part of our body, and how they are "alive" so to speak, not just little rocks in his mouth. And how we need to take care of them and if we don't -- they rot. And I showed him some photos on the computer of tooth decay.







:

It was so gross, it really made an impact on him. Tooth brushing is no longer an issue.










I consider that to be a lot better than letting their teeth rot! I recently had a lot of work done to my teeth, including pulling two teeth and having a bridge put in. I explained to DD that this is what would be happening to her if she refuses to have her teeth brushed. Because let's face it, even those who choose to hold their kids and do forced tooth brushing never get the teeth as clean as when they have a child who fully cooperates. We still have some issues, but on the whole, DD consents to having her teeth brushed properly now, with an electric brush.


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

I think there is a big false dichotomy being set up here: brushing or teeth rotting out.

That's not been my experience. We don't force the brushing and there have been times of more or less brushing here. My oldest is 7.5 and has beautiful, perfect teeth. He loves the dentist. The dentist loves him. He now chooses to brush, floss, and use a rinse all on his own accord.

The 3.5 is in a "doesn't want to brush" phase. I'm sure it will pass. Hopefully his teeth will be as healthy as the oldest. So far so good and he loves the dentist, too.

Showing them pictures of rotten teeth with the assurance that this would be the result if they didn't brush probably wouldn't have done much to build my credibility or our trust. They would have proven me wrong and then what?

And like so many things AP, the dire predictions just haven't borne out for us. They DO eventually wean on their own. They DO sleep through the night. They DO learn how to use the potty. They DO stop hitting. And so on and so on. All without punitive or forceful measures.









Obviously, this is just what worked for our family, but I'm a big believer in choices, and it was so useful to me to read here about bigger kids who were thriving in AP households where their needs, autonomy, and choices had been heard and honored. Even if it was scary for the mamas along the way!


----------



## georgiegirl1974 (Sep 20, 2006)

When we were battling toothbrushing, I told DD that if she doesn't brush her teeth then the might hurt eventually. I also let her pick out a toothbush and toothpaste herself at the store.

My sister (a speech therapist for special needs kids) came up with this song, and it has really worked for DD. It is to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle twinkle teeth so bright
I brush my teeth every morning and night
I brush one side
I brush the other side
I brush my tongue and then I'm done
Twinkle twinkle teeth so bright
I brush my teeth every morning and night


----------



## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

I apologize sincerely for all negative, judgemental, or hurtful comments I posted earlier. I do not mean to anger anyone or make a fool of myself.
I really do think tooth brushing is important and that parents should help children keep their teeth clean. I also think it could be okay to loosen up about doing it perfectly every time. That is all I probably should have said in the first place.


----------



## Julia24 (Jun 28, 2004)

Daddy usually has toothbrushing duty and has a 'toothbrush' race with both girls while directing (front- top - bottom - now where you chew....etc etc etc).

They both STILL require supervision though. We started allowing our 7 year old to be more independent, and it has led to lying about doing it or basically staring at herself in the mirror with a toothbrush in her mouth









I think that the experience of not really brushing much and having perfectly healthy teeth anyways - is just a product of luck and good teeth genes, though







I know we don't do the best job with it in this house, and the kids teeth are still good, BUT, they are blessed with healthy strong teeth. As was I. I know lots of kids who brush WAY more religiously and still get cavities, iykwim.

I also wonder if nutrition plays a part? My kids eat lots of crunchy fruits and veggies (and very little junk/chewy stuff like licorice/gummies, etc), which act like a natural toothbrush - and I admit to sometimes offering an apple when they're little and skipping the toothbrush altogether.


----------



## spughy (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Julia24* 
I also wonder if nutrition plays a part? My kids eat lots of crunchy fruits and veggies (and very little junk/chewy stuff like licorice/gummies, etc), which act like a natural toothbrush - and I admit to sometimes offering an apple when they're little and skipping the toothbrush altogether.

Nutrition plays a very big part. Vitamins A, D & K2 are strongly implicated in dental health, as are adequate calcium stores (not necessarily intake, depends on what else you eat). If you're interested in a nutritional approach to dental health, check out this site (link selects for dental articles.)

If you're going to skip a brushing, the best thing to eat is cheddar cheese. Mouth bacteria don't like it at all, apparently!


----------



## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

DD, now 2.5, has gone through periods when she didn't want to brush, and I didn't remember to try every day. My willingness to let it go seems to have made tooth brushing more appealing to DD. She's always been very sensitive and "high needs" so we learned early on not to push/force her with a LOT of things. She'll usually willingly sit on the bathroom counter and open up to let me brush - but only after she gets her fill of sucking on a wet toothbrush first, usually while watching my brush my teeth. When I'm done brushing mine, she usually hands over her toothbrush and says something like "Brush mine now, Mama!" or I say "OK, my turn! Open up!' We use Weleda flouride free toothpaste and she seems to like it.

'Course, the Elmo toothbrush doesn't hurt, either.









Oh, and speaking of brushes, make sure you are using a soft brush. My dentist says everyone should use a soft bristled brush. And if it's been a while, get a new toothbrush. DD was way more willing to let me brush everyday once she saw that she got a new brush. I think the old one was too splayed/worn and uncomfortable?


----------



## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

I have to say, these toothbrushing threads always frustrate me. My dd is now 3.5. I went the "low key" more consensual-type route with teethbrushing for quite some time-- and she now has pits in at least 2 (I now suspect 3) or her front top teeth. When I first discovered this, I thought for sure that she'd have to go under anesthesia to have them filled-- pure terror and serious guilt for me (my dd is EXTREMELY shy of strange adults, and she's now barely okay with our dentist looking at her teeth for all of 2 minutes, and she is the sweetest, most gentle lady in the world) I wish, wish, wish that I had been more strict on pushing the habit of brushing her teeth back when she was younger and more eager to cooperate. Cooperation is no longer a big thing for her- she's more than happy to refuse to do what I want, and fighting over toothbrushing twice a day has become a real PITA. We have tried every game, every song, have a multitude of toothbrushes in every form you can imagine. I will add though, that she DOES like to brush them herself, it's the letting me or dh do it (even very very quickly) that she protests- but she really doesn't do a sufficient job given that she already has pits that must be kept clean to keep the decay from progressing. She WILL, however, lie down in my lap and let me gently scrape away any tartar (this is what tends to build up on those front gum lines)-- maybe if I do that first, and then let her brush herself, that would be good enough?


----------



## Snuzzmom (Feb 6, 2008)

PP, these toothbrushing threads always frustrate me, too.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spughy* 
She is learning that her long-term health is more important than her short-term feelings. I'm not getting where this is bad. A simple, sincere "I know you don't like this, but I also know that we need to do it so your teeth don't start rotting, hurting and falling out." should reassure her that it's not just arbitrary torture.

YES. Thank you.

And OP, it isn't weird to me that it's an issue, but it is weird to me that it isn't ALWAYS an issue. We have much the same routine as you do, with as much autonomy as possible: he gets his stool, turns on the water, puts toothpaste on the brush, has his turn brushing out the [monkeys, giants, excavators], then I have my turn while he fills his water cup. Usually this all works fine but some days he won't even go get his stool, and just lies on the bathroom floor instead.

I do let it go if I feel like I've had a part in setting him up to fail, like keeping him up past his bedtime or whatever. And when I can wait out the stalling I do (I think the longest he's taken is 20 minutes... oy). Lately what works instead of forced brushing is just telling him I will do it if he doesn't. Since this is basically a threat, I don't really love this approach, but it usually does result in getting us back on track. I am very grateful for the days when he cooperates and I make sure to tell him how much his help means to me. He likes that.


----------



## annekevdbroek (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
I have to say, these toothbrushing threads always frustrate me. My dd is now 3.5. I went the "low key" more consensual-type route with teethbrushing for quite some time-- and she now has pits in at least 2 (I now suspect 3) or her front top teeth. Cooperation is no longer a big thing for her- she's more than happy to refuse to do what I want, and fighting over toothbrushing twice a day has become a real PITA. We have tried every game, every song, have a multitude of toothbrushes in every form you can imagine.


Older DS is 5 and it is battle every.single.time to brush his teeth







. There are many times I've just sort of given up or thrown in the towel or said "fine, whatever." As a twice a day routine to deal with it, its a major PITA. He just had to have a cavity filled and has 2 more that are pits (not needing filling). Younger is 2 and also *hates* having his teeth brushed. I get the battle 4 times per day! Sadly, the older did not find having a cavity filled to be an overly adverse experience so it hasn't done much to increase his motivation to cooperate with cleaning his teeth. I am just hoping that as he gets a little older he will be more motivated to attend to this aspect of body self-care.


----------



## proudmomof4 (Aug 29, 2006)

Here is another one that helped in our family but maybe this isn't "news" to anyone here on MDC: the choice tactics. Like in "What do you want to do first, brush teeth or put on pajamas?" or "Do you prefer the blue or the red toothpaste?" and so on.
In some cases, that might take the heat out of the battle because you are communicating to your child that he or she still has a say in the matter.


----------



## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

My DD can be very difficult. DP had to have 8 teeth removed before he was 4 due to a combinationof weakish teeth, poorish diet and lax tooth brushing and i am the only member of my family not to have terrible teeth (and mine are bad enough!) so toothbrushing is non-negotiable for us.

There have been terrible times when i just give her every opportunity to help/cooperate and if she doesn't then i pin her down and do it as fast and gentle as i can. It's not fun bt as i say it's non-negotiable for us.

What is helping recently is that i only do brushing once a day - in the morning she does them herself, in the evening she does them then i do a "messy building" check were we brush the upstairs neighbours (who have pets they don't clean up after) and the downstairs neighbours (who never empty their stinky bins) and the landing carpet (tongue) which always needs sweeping. This seems to keep her entertained, as does being allowed to stand up at the mirror and watch how i do it.

I watch her in the morning and if i don't think she's done anything like a good enough job i give her a little cube of cheese (as noted above, it's quite protective of teeth and kills off many of the bugs). On days when she's eaten cake or sugar (rare) or dry fruits (less rare) close to bedtime i am VERY thorough.

I will admit also (not GD, but what i do anyway) that if she's making a massve fuss i will say "oh, if we finish our teeth now we can read 4 stories" and if the tantrums continue 5 minutes later i say "oh n! We only have time for 3 stories now". I have only once had to put her to bed without ANY stories (i still cuddled and gave kisses and loves, just no stories) and this seems quite effective for us when i'm desperate.


----------



## Snuzzmom (Feb 6, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *proudmomof4* 
Here is another one that helped in our family but maybe this isn't "news" to anyone here on MDC: the choice tactics. Like in "What do you want to do first, brush teeth or put on pajamas?" or "Do you prefer the blue or the red toothpaste?" and so on.
In some cases, that might take the heat out of the battle because you are communicating to your child that he or she still has a say in the matter.

I have tried this one a few times... when offered a choice, he chooses "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"







But he's not yet 2 1/2, so I'll try that tactic again later.

Brushing whatever object out of his mouth seems to entertain him, though. Also, DS will show off his mad teeth brushing skillz to anyone who happens to be at our house, so I use guests whenever we happen to have them. Failing that, somtimes he'll "perform" for a stuffed animal or something, but not very often.


----------



## nina_yyc (Nov 5, 2006)

Why is toothbrushing such a power struggle? Cause by that age it's one of the last "baby" things that they have done to them that they can't really do by themselves.

Forcing the issue with DD never resulted in easier toothbrushing the next time. We just tried a bunch of different things until she realized it wasn't that bad and calmed down about it. We were playful, offered choices of mama or papa brushing teeth, told her she was wasting time for stories, made up weird "AAAA-EEEE" chants, told her to just get it over with so we could cuddle, bought her a sparkly toothbrush, let her brush mama's teeth (I don't suggest that one), etc....until now it's just part of her routine. For DD it was just getting out of the habit of making it a power struggle.


----------



## feest (May 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spughy* 
She is learning that her long-term health is more important than her short-term feelings. !

well said.

Here's what i do when my LOs when they were 2-3 didn't let me brush their teeth

i let them brush their own teeth (they always do a horrible job







)
then i give them my tooth brush and let them brush my teeth, They love it. soon as they begin brush mine i grab their toothbrush and give a happy " i wanna brush yours while u brush mine" their mouths usually pop right open... if they give give me guff i close my mouth and tell em they can't brush mine unless i can brush theirs works 99% of the time. Those few days where they choose not to let me brush are nothing compaired to the crappy brush job i'd try to give them while they flail around on the floor and kick at me ( i did that with my 1st ds... i oh so dreaded toothbrushing time)

goodluck hope you find something that works.


----------



## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

I have no idea why this is working right now, but I'll report success here:

DD will eagerly allow me to brush her teeth the past couple days if she is allowed to comb or brush my hair while I do it. She seems to put the comb/brush through my hair only once or twice, but will sit still and hang out and not scream bloody murder while I take my time and do a good brushing of her teeth.

'Course, I kind of want to scream bloody murder as she tangles the comb or brush into my hair (I HATE having someone work on my hair! That "relaxing" scalp massage and shampooing at the hair stylist? Torture!), but we do what we gotta do, right?


----------



## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

We've had brushing teeth battles around here too. There was a few month period where I could not get a brush in there, even with force, so she developed cavities in all of her 1 year molars which at some point will need to be filled. Bah.







But, here are some tricks that have worked for us since those episodes and now in general toothbrushing is pretty simple:

(We use a finger brush with a small bit of fluoride paste that only mommy is allowed to use for brushing dd's teeth)

Pretend to plant a garden with seeds and fertilze and pick them
Pretend to hunt for Easter eggs
Pretend you're a bunny running through a twisty, windy bunny hole trying to get into a sunny garden to eat lettuce and carrots
Pretend you're polishing a car or an airplane getting ready for take off
Sing silly songs while brushing (We've done 1, 2 Buckle My Shoe; How much is that doggy in the window, Row Row Row your boat, etc.)
Tell a silly story about food getting stuck in your teeth and how silly you felt when you saw spinach when you smiled at yourself in the mirror
Pretend you are a visiting the zoo and looking for zoo animals
Have a stuffed animal brush teeth
Pretend you're diving for oysters and looking for colored pearls
Pretend you're giving a dog a flea bath


----------

