# Cosleeping and Sex--or lack there of



## Rollermommy (Jul 1, 2002)

Long story short:
In the 6 yrs of our marriage dh and i have had serious issues with sex. Him being very uninterested, being the main issue. Well, he's changed ALOT in the last few months and now wants to have sex--YIPEE







In fact (tmi approaching) we've had sex more in the last 4 months than we've had in the last 4 yrs.

Well, for the last 2 nights when we start to...uh...get going, Ella wakes up, and wants to nurse back to sleep. Dh gets furious. Last night he even said he was going today to buy her a crib, fix her room and she would be sleeping there from now on







And i said that's not going to keep her from waking up, and he said that she could just cry until she learned how to sleep through the night








Over my dead body!!!!!!
Is there any way to preserve my (much needed) sex life without having to kick out my dh for suggesting such absurdity







:


----------



## Mallory (Jan 2, 2002)

Latch her on and keep going- think side lying positions!

Of course she is almost getting too old, I have found with mine as they near a year what ever else is going on is too distracting to go back to sleep.


----------



## Rollermommy (Jul 1, 2002)

night before last, she woke up and pulled up to daddy's back and started jumping:LOL guess she thought we were wrestling


----------



## Kerlowyn (Mar 15, 2002)

We co-sleep, but have a crib also in the next room. DS nurses to sleep, and I move him to the crib. The time after that is DH & my 'couple' time. Some nights DS sleeps for only an hour, sometimes up to 3. We are TTC now, so the time alone is very important







Some nights we just talk, or watch TV.

But when DS wakes up, DH goes and gets him and he is in the bed with us for the rest of the night.

So, we do get our alone time, but still get to co-sleep. We are all happy for now!


----------



## gaffa (Sep 1, 2002)

For us, I never even considered doing it IN the bed with the babe. We just use the living room, couch, floor, etc. I would think it would be WAY ro difficult not to wake the poor kid up. It would also totally kill the mood to see my babe lying there.

Just utilize the house/other rooms. Doesn't HAVE to be a bed.


----------



## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

DS gets the whole king-sized bed to himself while dh and I throw the comforter on the floor for cushioning.


----------



## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

DH and I always go into another room, DD is too light a sleeper to even try speaking to each other in the same room as her! The other night we had this issue... DH and I are just getting back into the groove after birth, and JUST as we started DD woke up. I went back in and nursed her to sleep (until limp limbs - always in the side lying position) then we continued. I always have the baby monitor turned on so I can run in BEFORE she fully wakes up to soothe her so it will take less time.

But we don't start anything unless she's been asleep for more then a half hour, without interruption. That way I know she's down for at least 90 minutes.


----------



## mamamillie (Jul 22, 2003)

Whoa. I could definitely not feel comfortable nursing my baby and doing it w my husband at the same time! Not to be judgemental but I am really creeped out by the thought of anyone doing that. Probably that was a joke. I hope so.
We have a family bed in the bedroom and a "love nest" (just another mattress on the floor but w silk sheets and a velvet blanket) in the corner of the family room. Sometimes Will takes his nap in there and then we might do it in the bedroom, but either way, the baby is sleeping in one room and we get up and go in the other bed to do it. My husband does try to do it quickly and tells me he doesn't want to get up and go in the other room but this is too weird for me. When we had a little baby it was one thing, but I am not having sex in the same room as my two year old.


----------



## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

your dh's reaction to her waking scares me a little. sure, the situation you described can be frustrating, but it's normal and we've all been there. your baby is doing nothing "wrong" which i know you know. i wouldn't tolerate your dh's anger in the situation. frustration, sure...but anger towards the baby, no way. what a turn off.
i say, as i have done, nurse the baby back to sleep then resume. sure, it's a bummer to get interrupted, but oh well...it's whatcha gotta do sometimes.
where there's a will there's a way.


----------



## PurplePixiePooh (Aug 5, 2003)

Well maybe I am in the minority here, but my dh and I never do it with a child in the room, much less the bed.

What we do, is wait untill the babies are fast asleep and as freshly so as possible. then we "sneak out" and do it wherever we feel like. Living room, guest room, bath - whatever. It is super sexy and quite a turn on too. Feels "naughty" KWIM?

Try making it a fun, sexy game and then you should be ok. I don't think you need to move your baby out, the movment and sound would be enough to wake anyone, you need to move yourselves out and that should take care of things.


----------



## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Well obviously there are a lot of ways to get it done! This actually just came up in my marriage counceling yesterday. She said , "Now you've been clear with me that one of your concerns is with your sex life... just how often is your daughter in the bed with you?" Always. So she just sort of tilts her head, like "MmmHmmm?" So I mention that we have a guest room witha perfectly comfortable bed... a sofa, a shower... etc.. I told her that while it may be a contributing factor I do not think it is the over-riding factor by a long shot. I honestly think that a small child simply in the house and in our lives is a bigger obstacle to our sex lives than the fact that she is also in our bed. Her very existence hampers the spontaneous sex that used to make up the bulk of our sex lives.


----------



## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

slightly







T but eyebrows get raised (or heads tilted) at little kids in the bed affecting sexlife but how about living with a teen or two in a small house and when they are up studying or whatever late inot the night? any raised eyebrows there?? IMO kids of any age make sexlife an interesting aside (if you want rpivacy that is and I sure do)


----------



## ctdoula (Dec 26, 2002)

2 words... guest room!!! Go there, do the deed (or couch, floor, kitchen table, car in driveway (relive those highshool days :LOL ) and then go to bed. There is no way we could ever do anything in our room w/dd there! She wakes up every time we go in, nevermind if we actually tried to do anything, LOL. We do the deed first, before going in, that way we don't have to 'wait' while she goes back to sleep.

A good marriage (& sex life) is imporatant for kids too...... I've had very similar dh issues over the years, so I can relate!
Good luck!!
Amy


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I really don't get people who can only have sex in their own bed. There are many other places in the house. DH and I used to put a comforter down on the floor, light a fire or some candles..you know!

And I have to agree with emmaline: having sex with kids of ANY age in the house is not easy, and IMO it gets harder as they get older.

Some people are much more relaxed about sex, and having it in front of the babies isn't such a big deal, even the nursing-while-doing-it thing doesn't phaze me a bit, but then I'm a pretty comfortable-with-my-body-and-its-functions kind of gal!









Do what feels comfortable, but do consider having sex elsewhere (and also tell your DH to chill a bit, sheesh!)


----------



## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

We got a new mattress the week before ds was born and it still hasn't seen any action!! :LOL We use the living room, the big walk in closet, etc. We're close enough we can hear if the kids wake up (which happened 4 times once- 2 for each kid) and far enough if they're sleeping they won't be disturbed. We've been way more active since ditching the bed.


----------



## Rollermommy (Jul 1, 2002)

It hasnt been for a lack of trying in other places. We've tried it all over the house, but when i get the baby to sleep she knows when i slip away and wakes up. That's why i thought the bed would be the best place--because i could get her back to sleep easier than if i came stormin in from another room.
And after she wakes, its a total mood killer for dh, and his stupid childish attitude is a total mood killer for me







:

And we have done it while i was nursing on my side, and it doesnt bother me a bit.


----------



## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

at your baby's age it is especially natural and healthy for her to wake soon after you leave her side. this will not last forever. be on the look out for times to have sex during all hours of the day and night---not just when you're going to bed at night.


----------



## Divina (Sep 13, 2003)

We have a 2-year-old and, until recently, my teenage daughter from a previous relationship living with us. Our house is 750 sq. ft. Doing it somewhere else just wasn't an option, unless we locked ourselves into the bathroom! (which was sometimes fun, but not always very comfortable). However, once DS is asleep, he's usually very asleep, so we haven't been too worried about him being in the bed with us--we just pile up some pillows for some semblance of privacy and try not to be too noisy. (We have a high railing around our bed, so he can be on one side without danger of falling out). On the rare occasions he has woken up, we have done the nurse-and-play routine. No big deal for any of us, so far. Of course, now that he's getting older and DD has left for college, we're trying alternatives. But we both have rather "alternative" backgrounds when it comes to sex, and not much (thank the Deity) in the way of emotional baggage left after dealing with all that goes with that when we were younger.
Frankly, it was a lot weirder hearing my DD and her boyfriend playing--as I said, a very small house, and her room is right off the living room. Sort of an explicit reminder that she's all grown up now.

Divina


----------



## Sustainer (Sep 26, 2002)

I have the same problem with getting as much sex as I want. dp doesn't seem to need sex as often as I do. Of course, it would be hard to want sex as often as I do!









We still have sex in the family bed -- my almost-3yo dd next to us. We keep things pretty subdued and quiet so we don't wake her up. Occasionally she does just happen to wake up at that time, which is a little frustrating for me & dp, but neither of us gets angry! I bf her back to sleep and then dp and I pick up where we left off. I don't have to worry about dp losing the mood. He doesn't often initiate, but once he gets into it he stays interested until we're finished.

I don't think I'd want to have sex and bf at the same time. My brain would be trying to go in two different directions at once, and I don't think I'd be able to enjoy either. It certainly doesn't creep me out if other people do it, though. If it doesn't bother you, more power to you!


----------



## keenya74 (Nov 10, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by gaffa_
*For us, I never even considered doing it IN the bed with the babe. We just use the living room, couch, floor, etc. I would think it would be WAY ro difficult not to wake the poor kid up. It would also totally kill the mood to see my babe lying there.

Just utilize the house/other rooms. Doesn't HAVE to be a bed.*

Yes, we usually just take it to the couch... sometimes we move her to the crib.

good luck!


----------



## rachdoll (Aug 18, 2003)

so glad to hear that others do it with babe in bed. as dd gets older, though, I'm thinking we are about ready to move to the guest room.


----------



## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

i got flushed and furious just reading that he said that to you.

i would tell him to put his wang back in his britches until he understands that my baby waking up needing some nursing takes precedence over sex. and that being mr big patriarchal father guy is not at all the ticket to ride....

i aint subtle.

seriously. i would not wanna make love with him after he said something like that.

have you tried having sex in another place, the floor, standing up against a wall, ect? we have a video baby monitor, swear to the goddess, best thing we have EVER bought. we hook it up, aim the camera on her, and get nasty in the den.


----------



## mama_kass (Jan 11, 2003)

It is amazing the way babies seem to know when your involved whether close by or far away. Also make sure you tell DH that you understand his feelings. Tell him that this is a season of parenting. It will pass. IMO you've just been unlucky in timing so far. It will get better. It may help to try at different times of the day. Like in the morning while she sleeps or during a nap. Also when you see an oppertunity take advantage.


----------



## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

I've never hesitated to have sex with the kids in the room or in the bed--we do stop if they wake up, I nurse them back to sleep and we resume. If we know we're going to have sex we start in another room, but often we get in bed, snuggle up and things just get going--sometimes we move to another room, sometimes we stay and proceed, quietly of course. I think the motion of the bed is nice for babies... :LOL

One morning we put in a video for the kids (2 and 4) and started "things" when my daughter came in. She does know how babies are made, but we were totally covered, so I didn't think we'd have to explain anything, so we stopped and she asked us whatever it was she came in to ask us, then said "ok, go back to cuddling now" and closed the door--it was very cute.


----------



## sarahwebb (Feb 12, 2002)

Great thread! Exactly what I came looking for. DS is 20 months old and I began wondering what the rest of you thought about sex in the family bed with the babe. It's great to read a range of answers from "no way" to "sure if it works..."

My intuition says it's time to be moving it on elswhere because I'm feeling that he's getting a little old to be in the bed with us having sex. I that it's probably fine for DS as long as he doesn't seem aware or upset by it, but changing locations now might prevent us from having an uncomfortable moment later...

Best,
Sarah


----------



## chellemarie (Jan 17, 2003)

You might also try having sex when baby's not sleeping and wanting to cuddle. Is she playing quietly on the floor with her toys? WOOHOO! Let's GO!

I'm not creeped out about having sex when babe's in the bed. If he wakes up, he laughs and pats us and bounces. It's hilarious. Then we put him on the floor to play...or in the sidecar if he'll stay there.

It's much more distracting to hear our 9yo pounding on the door and hollering, "How come you guys locked the door?!" "Why can't we come in!?" "MOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM, Ciarra's bugging me!!!" "Mom, Dad...What's that noise?"

Good lord. The baby is the least of our trouble.

Btw, your husband's reaction isn't entirely out of line. He's not expressing his anger in the most productive way. As mothers, we are very careful to deal with our children's disappointment and hurt feelings. Our partners deserve the same. (And are often very much like our children, anyway. Ha ha.)


----------

