# It was a girl



## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

We found out today that the baby we lost 3 weeks ago was a girl







. It just makes it so much more real, which is good and bad. I kept telling my husband that I knew the baby was a girl and that I'd be shocked if the baby was a boy. Which is strange, because we have 3 boys. We decided to name her Therese. It isn't the name that we had picked out before, but it has meaning for us both, which seemed important. I feel like this has just added a whole new level of mourning, and maybe more closure? They didn't find anything genetically wrong with the baby, and the dr called her a normal baby girl. That just killed me. If she was so normal, why is she dead







? I guess there is another test to check for clotting problems, but since I have had three healthy pregnancies before, she said that the chances are low that that was the problem, but we could still do the test. I feel like it is probably just a fluke, but I am really having such a hard time not having any answers. The typical answer that it just wasn't meant to be really isn't cutting it. I am angry and sad and confused. Will I ever be able to accept this? I hope so, because this is just tearing me apart. I hope that having a little ceremony to name her and plant a tree in her honor will help. It is so hard, because my husband has been such a comfort, but he has to be away for a week starting tomorrow. I just don't know if I can handle it. UGH!!


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I couldn't read this without giving you a







. Therese is a beautiful name. The pain and acceptance (if you can call it that) does get easier in time, but right now you need to focus on the emotions you have. I hope you can find someone to help you out over the next week while your dh is away. Again


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## broodymama (May 3, 2004)

I am so sorry, mama.







I can't even begin to imagine your pain right now, please take care of yourself.


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## darsmama (Jul 23, 2004)

I am so very sorry. I hope someone can help you with your questions. I'm really, really sorry


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)




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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

I am so sorry. How sad. You and your dh must be in so much pain.

I never lost a child, but I have dealt with horrible things happening to them. Healing my heart took time. More of it than I thought. Be easy on yourself, have a lovely ceremony. Planting a tree will give you a place to go to remember and talk to your angel.

Life is hard.







I wish there was something comforting to say, but there really isn't. I will be thinking of you and hoping you find peace.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

race_kelly,
I am both sad for your news, but also glad for you- sad because it seems like finding things out about our babies brings us closer to them, which then makes it even harder to be without them... but there is a good part about finding out, too... your baby is now your daughter, and her name is Therese, a beautiful, breathy name that makes me think of fields of flowers- lavender, especially, on a warm day, a name that can be whispered by the wind. When your baby receives a name, it gives a spark to their life, a kind of awakening... I felt this spark like a little motor starting in the deepest part of me when we named Coral. So I am glad that you may know your baby on a whole new level.
But I grieve with you, for our daughters who are somehow not with us but still so _with_ us.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Thanks to everyone for your hugs. I started crying today thinking of all the little things that I would want my little girl to know if she had lived, about me, my husband, and what I wanted for her. I thought that maybe I would try to write her a letter. I have read that that might help with the grieving process and help me put into words all the feelings that are reeling around in my head.
Coralsmom-all I can say is your posts always amaze me. You always see strait to the heart of what I am saying. Thank you so much.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)




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## juju's mom (Mar 30, 2005)

I am so sorry with what you are dealing with.

Jenn
julia


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

My husband just headed out for the week. I cried, but I am trying to be strong. I think I'll try to clean the house up. I've been severely neglecting the house in the last few weeks. I am trying to look at this as a challenge to try to find the new me while continuing to live everyday. I am realizing that this loss has really changed me deep down. I hope that in the long run it will be a good change, a silver lining. Maybe I will learn to relax and let go a bit more. With my dh gone I can concentrate on me a little more after boys go to bed! I am going to start to write to my daughter and think about how I want to honor her. I love my daughter, Therese. There I can finally make her real.


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## MyOcean (May 26, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss


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## Scorpio (Nov 2, 2004)

Absolutely, write Therese a letter, and talk to her and remember that she was a person who lived, though briefly. Losing a baby is so, so very hard. I lost my son at birth a couple months ago and I'm still trying to figure out ways to memorialize him.

One way that helped me was that I asked people to make donations in his name to a children's charity and a lot of people did. It makes me feel good to know my son's life had a positive impact on this world even though he didn't get to live in it. And it's nice to know that because of him, other children will be helped.

Don't let people tell you that you "should" feel a certain way, or that you "should be over this by now" ... I read a really good book called "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" (for miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss) and it says that most parents in this situation normally grieve for a few years after the fact, and everyone says that you never ever forget. You will always have love in your heart for the child you lost, and you will never stop missing her.

I was talking to a co-worker who lost his daughter Claire at birth ... she would be 23 next month. He was crying when he was talking about her, saying he and his wife were able to live through that trauma but, to this day they remember their baby, talk to her, miss and love her, celebrate her birthday, and the whole family considers her their guardian angel. In fact, his oldest daughter just had a baby girl and named her Claire, after the sister she never knew.

Count me in among those giving out hugs. Better days are ahead for all of us.

xo,
Scorp


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm glad you have ht eclosure of finding our her gender and being able to name her. Therese is beautiful.

I have a journal that I write to my son in. I write him almost every day.


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## BumbleBena (Mar 18, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss.








Therese


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I just couldn't read your post and not respond with





















's for you. Your loss touches me deeply, and I am sorry that you have to go through this.

Take care of yourself. I hope that finding time to be with Therese, writing to her, helps you find peace.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I am sorry your daughter died. I wanted to send love and hugs your way.
Be gentle and REST...

Jackie


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Today is not going so well. I woke up with that really heavy feeling in my chest this morning, and have been on the verge of tears since I woke up. I think that I have been so busy the last two days with my husband away, that I haven't had a moment to think. I thought that I would have time to think, but instead I've been so tired by the time I get the boys in bed, dishes done, etc. etc., that I have just been falling into bed, to wake up an hour later and end up with my fifteen month old in bed with me! Not much alone time, so I have been trying to hold everything in. Guess that is not going to work, since I am hardly holding it together right now. I'm going to my parents today for a cook out. I think I'll try to slip away for a good







. I could really use one right now, just don't have time! I just really miss my Therese today. I guess I just have to put my head down and get through for my boys today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

race_kelly
it sounds lke a timely thing that you're going to your parents... there should be some alone time there for you. i'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed- my grief counselor said when i am feeling like this, to try and remember that the cycles of grief are like waves, and there will be a break coming soon, so its important to feel your feelings, to cry, to just let the horrible part of the waves come in and engulf you, because you need to feel these feelings to continue your healing- and then there will be a clearing... a friend sent a card to me last week that said 'life doesn't put anything infront of you that you can't handle' or something like that... i've heard a religious version, too.
(funnily the same friend sent the same card when we found out we were having a baby unexpectedly...) hang in there, race_kelly... when your feeling so low, remember that there are many many people who love you and care about you and your husband and family- i've been feeling so low and depressed, and the waves i'm dealing these past few days feel like a choppy ocean storm- wave after wave after wave- but there are breaks, i'm in one now, and i want to offer you my concern for you, and let you know i'm sharing your sadness. let the sun shine on you're face today, feel the warmth, and think of your daughter, and your sons, and your husband... there's so much love there to wrap around you for comfort.
take care!


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## mama23k (May 4, 2004)

Bless your heart, mama, and lots of







's. I hope you are also remembering to take care of YOU with all you have been through, and all you deal with ona daily basis. Remember that it is much easier to take care of your precious boys and deal with your feelings if you take care of you first. Eat right, nap if you need one (maybe a big group nap since hubby's not there to watch the other kids?), and cry all you want to. I agree that journaling is a GREAT idea.

Lots of love being sent your way.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Thank you everyone so much. This thread is so truly a lifeline for me, even more with my husband away. The thought of this sadness coming in waves is so true, unfortunatly I've always been a bit scared of waves. I think that is what is tearing me apart, because I start to feel sad, and fight it for one reason or another. I guess I keep thinking that if I try and just think of something else or keep busy it won't hurt as much. I know logically that it is not true, but it just hurts so much I want to avoid it, and run away from it. but tonight I just feel it dragging me in kicking and screaming! My heart is truly breaking tonight. The boys are asleep, my husband is away, and I keep thinking I should be feeling my baby kicking inside of me by now, but she is gone and I am so lonely. I just want this pain to go away so badly, but at at the same time I feel like that is a betrayal of my baby. I just wish that I could find some peace. I haven't even been able to sleep for the last three nights, and am afraid to go to bed now, because I know that I am just going to lay there awake and sobbing until I am empty. I guess that I'm going to have to just take the plunge eventually, willing or not. But I actually feel a little better just admiting my feelings. I usually just tell friends and family that I am doing OK. I guess that I just figure they won't understand or really want to hear the reality of it all. But how can I blame them, I can bearly handle the reality myself.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Made it through the night. Hopefully today will be better. Hoping the beautiful weather and some gardening will also help to lift my spirits. Thought a lot about Therese last night and feel a bit more peaceful today.


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