# Is he overreacting, or am I underreacting??



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

My daughter is 14. She's a good kid, but lazy. That is really her only flaw. She's a straight A student, is in the band at school, dances, has good friends, and other than being lazy, and pretty sloppy I feel very blessed.

Her Step dad is a wonderful man. Except that he is less than tolerant.

My dd bought a new cell phone in October with her own money. It cost her amost $200. We also switched her plan from Cingular to Qwest, because my husband is on Qwest, and we decided to all switch over to Qwest. Our Cingular plan isn't over until May of this year, so I am still paying for her monthly phone bill at Cingular.

Last week, she sprained her ankle, so she hadn't been in school for a few days. This week, she noticed that her phone was missing. The last time she remembers seeing it was the day she sprained her ankle. So, it has been gone for over a week.

My husband FLIPPED out on her. He said she was irresponsible to wait this long to look for it. (that is true) *I, personally wasn't mad that is got lost, just that she didn't go looking for it.*

She found it in her laundry.

He wants her off of Qwest. (brand new phone) He refuses to let her use Qwest, because it is his plan. So, I must now renew the Cingular for another two years, pay the $200 to deactivate her phone at Qwest, and buy her a new phone at Cingular. I am not going to make her pay for a new phone when I don't think this whole fiasco is necessary.

I think we should just move on. The phone is fine, it is working, there is no reason to spend all the extra money. But, I will if he keeps pressing the issue. Just to make him see the extra cost in his decision.

Am I underreacting? Should I have done something else? I told her I was mad about her not looking for it. But, we found it, so I want to just drop it.

I know she feels awful, and is resenting her Step Dad right now.


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## HeatherHeather (Jan 7, 2004)

Well, first of all, I don't see how a straight A student, who's in the band, and a dancer could be "lazy". I feel a little worried that she's been labeled that. (Not flaming you at all, just pointing out that she's been labeled.)

I do think your dh is way overreacting. She sprained her ankle. She wasn't at school for a few days, right? Why would she look for her phone if she was at home for the past few days? I don't look for my phone until I'm ready to go out the door. I imagine that with the drama of the sprained ankle, she forgot all about the cell phone. Who can blame her? There were more important things on her mind than her cell phone.

I really think if you look at the situation honestly, you'll see that there are other problems here. Sounds like your dh is trying to exercise "authority".


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HeatherHeather* 
Well, first of all, I don't see how a straight A student, who's in the band, and a dancer could be "lazy". I feel a little worried that she's been labeled that. (Not flaming you at all, just pointing out that she's been labeled.)

I really think if you look at the situation honestly, you'll see that there are other problems here. Sounds like your dh is trying to exercise "authority".

By lazy, I mostly mean she is sloppy, she will leave her laundry on the floor for weeks. You can't walk safely in her room... Her idea of cleaning her room, is to move the pile from one spot to another.

I think my DH si trying to exercize his authority too. I just don;t understand why he is being so obnoxious about it.


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## goodcents (Dec 19, 2002)

sorry - i wouldn't do it. the cost of the change really defeats the lesson in responsibility. how about being responsible with money? clearly this move would not be financially responsible.


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## HeatherHeather (Jan 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
By lazy, I mostly mean she is sloppy, she will leave her laundry on the floor for weeks. You can't walk safely in her room... Her idea of cleaning her room, is to move the pile from one spot to another.

I think my DH si trying to exercize his authority too. I just don;t understand why he is being so obnoxious about it.









My 10 yo is the same way and I was so hoping that would improve.










Sorry your dh is being unreasonable. Can you talk to him in private about it?

ETA: What is he trying to teach her by taking her off the Qwest plan? If she still has a phone and a plan, then she could care less I'm sure. Why does he want her off *his* plan? Why does he think of it as *his* plan?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

The whole thing sounds weird to me. I don't think she was irresponsible at all. If I'd just sprained my ankle, and was off school, I don't think the first thing I'd be thinking of was my cell phone. If she didn't realize that she'd misplaced it, she had no reason to go looking for it, anyway. She bought the phone with her own money - I'm sure she was freaked out enough by thinking it was gone to have learned something from this. I don't get what your dh's issue is - spending a bunch of extra money just to take her off one plan? What does that accomplish?


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I think your DH is overreacting.

As far as I'm concerned, the consequence of misplacing her phone is that she didn't have it for several days and thought she lost it. If he really feels the need to do some kind of "punishment" on top of that, then I think taking away the cell phone for a few days (maybe the number of days it was misplaced?) would be far more appropriate.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

I don't get it. Why would you punish someone for misplacing something? And, I see she bought the phone with her own money, too. So her "punishment" for losing it should be exactly the same as my punishment for losing something expensive I really wanted and bought for myself--anxiety and disappointment while searching for the object. I'm glad no one "disciplines" me for having other concerns and misplacing objects--especially when I'm distracted and not feeling good.

This really disturbs me. She is a person. It is an object. She is injured and probably in pain or at least uncomfortable. It was missing for a couple days and then found in perfect repair. Why would anyone want to punish her for this unless they were just getting off on a power trip? Also, she sounds, if anything, like an overachiever. And so she is "lazy"? Pardon me? It sounds like someone in the house, likely "dear husband" just doesn't like her and is determined to see the worst in her. What a nightmare for her. I feel for her.


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## jlutgendorf (Aug 15, 2006)

I think he's overreacting. I just finally found my cell phone after it being lost for almost two weeks! (in my jacket pocket). My husband didn't make me get my own plan (cell phones are in his name). He was just happy he could call me again!

I would sit down with him and help him figure out if he feels he needs to teach her a lesson. Maybe make her responsible for her part of the cell phone bill? That way if she misplaces it again, she's paying for the days she can't use it?

But honestly, what's the big deal? So what if she doesn't check on her cell phone everyday, regardless of whether she needs to use it or not? It is her phone that she bought. If he's worried about loosing money because she can't use it because it's lost, does he also make sure that everyone puts in at least one cell phone call a day, regardless of whether they need to use their phones?

I guess I would say I think he's over reacting and he doesn't make sense!









~Julia

**sorry if any of the above sounded flippant, I didn't mean it that way!**


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I think your Dh is totally off here. Not overreacting even, just reacting in a really strange way to this. I don't even see the connection to her misplacing the phone and him wanting her to get a different phone/plan. I just dont see what he's hoping to accomplish with that. Does he think she wont ever misplace anything again?

You are right, he's not.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jlutgendorf* 
. Maybe make her responsible for her part of the cell phone bill? That way if she misplaces it again, she's paying for the days she can't use it?

!**

She already does pay for it. SHe wanted to be able to text message her friends, I told her she needed to pay for it. Her TOTAL cost each month for her phone and text message is $15. SHe pays for that herself.


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## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

He is way over-reacting. She misplaced a phone that she bought with _her_ money?
Anyway he should be glad she can go a week without missing it, most teens might as well have the thing surgically implanted to their ear


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## kdtmom2be (Aug 26, 2006)

If she is paying for the plan, and paid for the original phone then it is NONE of your DH's business (or yours for that matter) what she does with it. Her punishment is self-inflicted and a part of learning responsibility. i.e. if she loses it she continues to pay for the plan and/or she pays (again) for a new phone. I don't see how switching plans will "teach" her anything and frankly is a ridiculous request by your husband that will do nothing but cost the family extra money.


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

Seriously overreacting. She sounds like a good kid. Everyone misplaces things. Would he do the same to *YOU*?


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## mama_b (Dec 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
I don't get it. Why would you punish someone for misplacing something? And, I see she bought the phone with her own money, too. So her "punishment" for losing it should be exactly the same as my punishment for losing something expensive I really wanted and bought for myself--anxiety and disappointment while searching for the object. I'm glad no one "disciplines" me for having other concerns and misplacing objects--especially when I'm distracted and not feeling good.

This really disturbs me. She is a person. It is an object. She is injured and probably in pain or at least uncomfortable. It was missing for a couple days and then found in perfect repair. Why would anyone want to punish her for this unless they were just getting off on a power trip? Also, she sounds, if anything, like an overachiever. And so she is "lazy"? Pardon me? It sounds like someone in the house, likely "dear husband" just doesn't like her and is determined to see the worst in her. What a nightmare for her. I feel for her.

I couldn't have said it better myself. I also find it very disturbing the way your husband is treating your daughter.


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## jlutgendorf (Aug 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
She already does pay for it. SHe wanted to be able to text message her friends, I told her she needed to pay for it. Her TOTAL cost each month for her phone and text message is $15. SHe pays for that herself.

Oh, then I guess I don't really know what he's upset about? I guess I don't see how this occurence effected HIM. Did he have to be the one to look for the phone? Or did your daughter whine and complain about loosing it excesively? Is he a super neat freak? Or does he have OCD tendencies?

I know how I live would drive my neat freak friends CRAZY if they had to live with me.

Sort of off topic, but in regards to your daughters organizational habits, I have to say, you need to accept them and move on. I was/am exactly like her. I have photos of my room when I was young where you literally cannot see the floor. And sadly I'm still like that now, only now, I'd like it if my friends and my husband didn't have to risk breaking their necks to walk around, so I cycle between utter mess and relative cleanliness. I'm just always going to be this way.

If you can find a copy, read this book: http://squallpress.net/conqueringchr...ganization.htm

That book is me to a "T". It talks about the idea that messy, disorganized people aren't lazy or slothful, they just don't organize the way most everyone else does. Honestly, I keep most stuff spread out on the floors, tables, chairs, etc. because then I can find it. If I put it up in a drawer or box or the closet, I just don't see them any more. It also offers many many tips to help with organizing, like color coding, vertical storage, using the buddy system, etc.

Ask your daughter why she doesn't pick up her stuff, and I wouldn't be surprised if she tells you she can find just about anything she wants, or that she has a system of where things go on the floor.

Ok, sorry for that unasked for detour!









~Julia


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

My dd11 lost BOTH of hearing aides to the tune of $5,000.

There were no consequences for that - it was a freaking accident.

Your dh is being ridiculous.

Ask him this - how is acting in that way going to change anything?


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

It sounds like he's just being petulent and petty...for whatever reason, he's angry about this and since she has the phone and paid for it herself, the only thing he can really do is take his ball (plan) and go home. The only reason to put her on her own plan is so you don't have to deal with him having another little fit if she misplaces her phone again or he gets mad about something else.

I don't mean to be unsympathetic to DH. It probably is frustrating but teens can be sloppy and forgetful - she's not lazy, she just has different priorities right now.


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## HeatherHeather (Jan 7, 2004)

I'm just curious, why did you switch her to dh plan in the first place?


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## Calidris (Apr 17, 2004)

You know, I was thinking a bit about this, and some of the other responses and it struck me that when my 3 DD (a preschooler admittedly) goes way overboard about something minor I start to wonder if there is something else, more serious, bothering her and usually there is. Maybe a little talk with him, hen you both have time to relax and talk, to see if there are some other issues with her (or someone else) bothering him?

I'm sorry if this seems out of line, but it seems to me that a lot of the GD things I have learned here have much wider application than just to my 3 year old


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Gee, I'm sure she learned her lesson for losing the phone. But just be glad she found it! I've done stupid things like that myself and I'm almost 40 years old.







What's the big deal I wonder? She's only 14 and a cell phone is a big responsibility for a child, just as a car would be when she is 16.

I would let it slide and hope that it taught her a good lesson about responsibility. She's old enough to realize what she did was irresponsible but why keep punishing her for it.

My oldest child is only 11 but I don't expect him to remember everything or keep up with things, even though he usually does. But I wouldn't punish him for losing his gameboy or another important item at his age. But I would hope he would learn a valuable lesson from his irresponsibility.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HeatherHeather* 
ETA: What is he trying to teach her by taking her off the Qwest plan? If she still has a phone and a plan, then she could care less I'm sure. Why does he want her off *his* plan? Why does he think of it as *his* plan?

This is what I was thinking. If he really wanted to punish her he would take her phone away completely, not worry about what plan she is on. He just sounds very controlling to me.


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## Selesai (Oct 26, 2005)

:

I haven't read all of the responses (I'm at work) but this really reminds me of my stepson's stepfather. For him it is about exercising his authority and control, even when that crosses the line into ridiculous. For example, ss got totally yelled at for refusing to button his polo shirt's top button.
I understand the idea of demonstrating to your kids that you're in charge. But if having a 10 yr old ss has taught me anything, it is that 1. you really have to pick your battles and let some things go, even though you want to push them farther on principle and 2. natural consequences are a great thing.
I agree that if she lost her phone the punishment is... she lost her phone. And you don't buy her a new one.
But she found it. And I think really now your husband wants to make sure something of HIS isn't sabotaged or affected by something of HERS. And that belies deeper issues.
Just my two cents.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HeatherHeather* 
I'm just curious, why did you switch her to dh plan in the first place?

Her phone broke. But, we were planning to switch the whole family over to his plan in May, so it made sense to buy her a phone from Qwest. Even though we are still paying for her on Cingular. (9.00 a month)

I even ASKED him if he thought we should just add her on to his plan now, so she could get the phone she wanted. He agreed.

We haven't talked about it yet, he had to work early today, and I didn't want to start a heavy conversation (potential argument) when he needed to sleep early. But, I will bring it up tonight.


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Yes, he's overreacting and being fairly nasty about it. Also, in most step-parent situations, I really think it's better for the bio-parent (father or mother, as the case may be) to have primary responsibility for disciplining the child.


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

I would switch her just because he is being ridicuous, I really could not stand to go through this sort of freak out more than once if I was in the situation.

I would ask him once more pleasantly, if he really meant that he wants her off the plan and if so I would NOT SWITCH to his plan in May under any circumstances.

I lose stuff all the time, but I don't go around upsetting people for no reason.


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## doctorjen (May 29, 2003)

I myself must be one of those "lazy" people. I still can't seem to keep the laundry off my floor - although I do pick it all up about once a week when I'm actually doing the laundry. I have similar rules for the kids - I wash it if it's in their hampers or they hand it to me when they see me sorting, but I don't go taking their clothes off the floor for them.
The reason I quit picking up their clothes on the floor and washing them? I managed to wash - and dry - dd's cell phone! She says she knew it was in her pants pocket all along and she planned to wear them again the next day - so basically my fault for picking up stuff that wasn't in the laundry, and trying to launder it! So, I bought her a new phone, and I no longer pick clothes up off the floor - win/win situation for everyone.

Your dh is way overreacting. I say be glad if there are small areas in your teen's life that don't exactly thrill you. Everyone adolescent needs to work on that separation from mom and dad thing - if they aren't doing it in small, non-significant ways like keeping messy rooms, growing long hair, wearing funny clothes, they are probably doing it in large ways with much more permanent repercussions. What is the point of insisting that they toe a line in the sand that has no real bearing on life?

I mean, I'm still "lazy" with my laundry and clothes situation, but I'm otherwise a very well-adjusted, happy, productive adult. That's what I really want from my kids - not clean rooms.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

I don't know whom to quote here, but am joining a chorus of mamas saying - DH is being rediculous, DD is a teenager many parents would chop their right hand for.

Oh, and I lose stuff periodically too (and no, not in laundry, but like - forever)

Hope you'll find what triggers his "powertrippiness"


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## gamecaco4 (Sep 15, 2006)

I guess Im just not getting why he is so mad. She paid for her own phone with her own money. Has he never lost/misplaced anything before? I know I have. I have also broken some pretty expensive things.

I dont think she was being irresponsible. If she had actually lost it and not found it, why would he care? He wouldnt have been out anything.

JMHO, though.


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## bscores (Oct 20, 2006)

You husband is definitely over-reacting. She's a child and made a simple mistake. Get a grip mister.


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## bscores (Oct 20, 2006)

I apologize if I too "over-reacted" but this post struck a chord with me. My father often acted like that..still does...but I'm an adult now, but I still bare deep scars from his often vindictive and irrational behavior when I was a child.

I hope you work your situation out. But at the very least let you daughter know that her mistake was only that, a mistake. Hopefully your husband will come around.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I would like to know what your dh would have done to me this last week.

I left my charger in 3 different places and had to hunt for it.

What if you had misplaced your phone?


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Well, we talked last night. I actually ended up madder than when I started.

*Off topic here, sorry*

There are only a few things that really P!$$ me off. One is a grown man who rolls his eyes at me. The other is pointing a finger at me.

He did both.

I still want to break his finger.

ANyway, she keeps her phone with HIS phone plan. He still thinks she should know where it is at all times. He still says she is lazy, and has no responsibilties. Which is partially true. I don't give her enough jobs around the house. BUT she does whatever I ask when I ask it. I just don't ask as often as I should.

I know this would be good for her. SHe should learn to cook, she should learn to clean. She should learn to at least keep her bathroom in an undiseased condition, even if it is messy.

BUT, this is something I need to work on, and I don't like his "SHe is a princess" attitude. He expects too much from his own daughter too. But, she is 19 and lives on her own. I want to help her out more, and he doesn't.


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

I think he needs to step back and keep in mind that he is *NOT* her father.


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

sorry... if you know he's like this I would remember not to tell him if any phones are temporarily MIA.


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## oldcrunchymom (Jun 26, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pranamama* 
sorry... if you know he's like this I would remember not to tell him if any phones are temporarily MIA.

I agree. Your dh is being more childish than your daughter. He thinks she is "lazy" and it sounds like he won't back down because of pride or whatever. Honestly, I don't see how your daughter temporarily and innocently misplacing something that SHE pays for is any of his (or your for that matter) business. I don't blame you for being mad.


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## rowansmomma (Feb 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Well, we talked last night. I actually ended up madder than when I started.

*Off topic here, sorry*

There are only a few things that really P!$$ me off. One is a grown man who rolls his eyes at me. The other is pointing a finger at me.

He did both.

I still want to break his finger.

ANyway, she keeps her phone with HIS phone plan. He still thinks she should know where it is at all times. He still says she is lazy, and has no responsibilties. Which is partially true. I don't give her enough jobs around the house. BUT she does whatever I ask when I ask it. I just don't ask as often as I should.

I know this would be good for her. SHe should learn to cook, she should learn to clean. She should learn to at least keep her bathroom in an undiseased condition, even if it is messy.

BUT, this is something I need to work on, and I don't like his "SHe is a princess" attitude. He expects too much from his own daughter too. But, she is 19 and lives on her own. I want to help her out more, and he doesn't.

I haven't posted yet but like the others, I think this girl sounds awesome. She needs MORE responsibility? She sounds pretty responsible AND super busy keeping up with her school and extracurricular activities. Perhaps if he wants more out of her at home, something at school would have to give.......and then, when does she have time to be a KID?

I think we make kids grow up waaaay too fast anymore........


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Hmmm, what would happen if HIS phone were to mysteriously disappear for a few days?


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
Hmmm, what would happen if HIS phone were to mysteriously disappear for a few days?









Bwahahahaha!!!! I thought of that!


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

While I DO think he is over reacting I can totally see why he'd want her off of his plan. If she's not careful about where her phone is it could get stolen and someone could be running up tons of charges for days before she realizes it's missing.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

See, but her phone was at home this whole time. I don't think she necessarily was careless at all. I misplace my keys at home all the time, but I have never lost them outside the house and had to replace them and change the locks. I'd say that kind of thing is fairly common.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
I don't get it. Why would you punish someone for misplacing something? And, I see she bought the phone with her own money, too. So her "punishment" for losing it should be exactly the same as my punishment for losing something expensive I really wanted and bought for myself--anxiety and disappointment while searching for the object. I'm glad no one "disciplines" me for having other concerns and misplacing objects--especially when I'm distracted and not feeling good.

This really disturbs me. She is a person. It is an object. She is injured and probably in pain or at least uncomfortable. It was missing for a couple days and then found in perfect repair. Why would anyone want to punish her for this unless they were just getting off on a power trip? Also, she sounds, if anything, like an overachiever. And so she is "lazy"? Pardon me? It sounds like someone in the house, likely "dear husband" just doesn't like her and is determined to see the worst in her. What a nightmare for her. I feel for her.

This is worded more strongly that I probably would have chosen to word it, but I mostly agree. Not necessarily that your DH doesn't "like" her, per se, but maybe that he is harboring some kind of resentment toward her.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
While I DO think he is over reacting I can totally see why he'd want her off of his plan. If she's not careful about where her phone is it could get stolen and someone could be running up tons of charges for days before she realizes it's missing.

So what? Then, she has to pay for it, and a valuable lesson is learned.

Besides - she'd just sprained her ankle. This doesn't really have any bearing on what her usual patterns are like. When ds1 broke his finger last May, I think he could have misplaced everything he owned, and not realized it for a few days. The phone was in her laundry. To me, this says that she didn't actually misplace it (as in putting it down somewhere inappropriate) - she just forgot what she'd last done with it when she went to use it again. My cell phone is in its pocket on my purse 99% of the time. When it's not, it's very easy for me to forget what I've done with it. This means I don't deserve a cell phone?

OP: Your dh thinks your daughter is a "princess", but he's rolling his eyes at you and pointing his finger at you?? Someone here is acting like a spoiled brat, and it ain't your dd.


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## NiBeKa (Jan 26, 2006)

: My cell phone is more lost than found and I need to borrow DD to call mine to find it. If the battery's not dead.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

I lost my driver's license in the laundry once. I had to get a replacement. My dh didn't "punish" me by forbidding me to drive. Neither would my parents have if I were younger.

She lost something and the consequences were that she couldn't use it. Now it's found and it's over.

I agree about the messiness. That's not laziness, just disoganization.


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## Flor (Nov 19, 2003)

Gosh, I lose my phone all the time. If dss lost his phone the punishment would just be that his phone is lost. Maybe post in stepparenting/blended families.


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## dharmamama (Sep 19, 2004)

Your dd is lazy because she didn't notice that her phone was missing?

Gosh, I just noticed today that my ATM card is missing and I can't even think of the last time I saw it ...

I think your husband is WAY overreacting. You can't force him to let her use his cell phone plan, but he's being silly. Maybe you should get your own plan that your dd can be on. I wouldn't make her pay for any of this. It's really not her issue. It's your husband's.

Namaste!


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
I don't get it. Why would you punish someone for misplacing something? And, I see she bought the phone with her own money, too. So her "punishment" for losing it should be exactly the same as my punishment for losing something expensive I really wanted and bought for myself--anxiety and disappointment while searching for the object. I'm glad no one "disciplines" me for having other concerns and misplacing objects--especially when I'm distracted and not feeling good.

This really disturbs me. She is a person. It is an object. She is injured and probably in pain or at least uncomfortable. It was missing for a couple days and then found in perfect repair. Why would anyone want to punish her for this unless they were just getting off on a power trip? Also, she sounds, if anything, like an overachiever. And so she is "lazy"? Pardon me? It sounds like someone in the house, likely "dear husband" just doesn't like her and is determined to see the worst in her. What a nightmare for her. I feel for her.

What she said. 

I don't understand where your husband is coming from at all, and I would not be giving him the chance to discipline my kid . . . especially for doing nothing wrong.


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## Just_Isabel (Mar 5, 2006)

IMO your husband is overreacting.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HeatherHeather* 
I do think your dh is way overreacting. She sprained her ankle. She wasn't at school for a few days, right? Why would she look for her phone if she was at home for the past few days? I don't look for my phone until I'm ready to go out the door. I imagine that with the drama of the sprained ankle, she forgot all about the cell phone. Who can blame her? There were more important things on her mind than her cell phone.

I really think if you look at the situation honestly, you'll see that there are other problems here. Sounds like your dh is trying to exercise "authority".









:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
She already does pay for it. SHe wanted to be able to text message her friends, I told her she needed to pay for it. Her TOTAL cost each month for her phone and text message is $15. SHe pays for that herself.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *kdtmom2be* 
If she is paying for the plan, and paid for the original phone then it is NONE of your DH's business (or yours for that matter) what she does with it. *Her punishment is self-inflicted and a part of learning responsibility. i.e. if she loses it she continues to pay for the plan and/or she pays (again) for a new phone.* I don't see how switching plans will "teach" her anything and frankly is a ridiculous request by your husband that will do nothing but cost the family extra money.









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Quote:


Originally Posted by *jlutgendorf* 
Ask your daughter why she doesn't pick up her stuff, and I wouldn't be surprised if she tells you she can find just about anything she wants, or that she has a system of where things go on the floor.

I'm also like this. My room (and now my apartment







) is usually messy, but I _know_ where everything is. If I clean up the way most people do, I'll probably not find what I need anymore.

And I'd also be careful about labeling her "lazy". I had a teacher who used to say I was the laziest person she'd ever known. What she didn't see was that I had some issues that made school (and especially the class she thought) hard for me. Anyway, my point is, because I was told so often that I am "so lazy" (not just by that teacher), that I really believe it, and now I'm struggling to stop thinking that about myself and to stop acting like a lazy person. I somehow expect myself to be lazy, and I expect other people to think that I am lazy, kwim?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
Yes, he's overreacting and being fairly nasty about it. Also, in most step-parent situations, I really think it's better for the bio-parent (father or mother, as the case may be) to have primary responsibility for disciplining the child.

I totally agree with this. My parents are divorced, and I lived with my mother and my then stepfather. He didn't try to discipline us very often, but when he did you can be sure we resented it. Especially when his way was different than "our way".

If he over-reacts on her for something that makes no sense to her, especially if she notices that you also don't think he's 100% right, she'll resent him and may lose respect for him.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
While I DO think he is over reacting I can totally see why he'd want her off of his plan. If she's not careful about where her phone is it could get stolen and someone could be running up tons of charges for days before she realizes it's missing.

But if _*she*_ paid for her phone, and she is paying for her own bills, why does he care?

IF she loses her phone somewhere outside and doesn't notice it, and if someone calls everyone they know and she ends up with a huge bill - just make _her_ pay for it, and she'll learn her lesson well. There is no reason for him to react the way he did, and as many PPs said, changing plans now would cost the family a bunch of money. He agreed to put her on his plan in the first place, if he has a problem with it now, he should pay for the change himself, or think twice before he agrees to something next time. He can teach her responsability by sticking to his decision instead of backing off when something doesn't go his way.


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HeatherHeather* 







My 10 yo is the same way and I was so hoping that would improve.









You took the words right out of my mouth. I love my child but he is slow as molasses in January--doubly so when asked to do chores.

As to OP, unless being unreasonable is a normal state for him (in which case I'd recommend he get some help, soon) I usually see abnormal reactions as a sign that he's actually responding to something else. For example, we had a jam and tea package as a gift that had been sitting in cupboard for a long time. I let the kids use it one morning and dh tweaked. I talked to him about it for a while and realized he was talking about how he wanted to use it someday to relax after working on the house etc... and realized it was really about how he envisioned using the package some day after the housework was done and the fact that it had been there so long untouched was more about him feeling like the housework was never done, we never had any time to just relax... the package represented hope. Feeding that back to him made sense to him and he calmed down.

I'll throw out a guess, just with the circumstances I've heard:

He has to live with your teen, but doesn't have any power to discipline her, or if he does, it's limited by your authority. Because you have different expectations this is difficult for him to deal with. He is not someone that likes being told what to do, but wants to respect your relationship with your child. Because the phone is on his plan not yours, this pushed a button for him... not only is he not able to discipline her to the extent he'd like to, he feels like you're now telling him what to do, or more specifficaly he can't even direct her within his own boundaries on his turf. She misplaced something that was essentially his. (If someone had run up hundreds of dollars on her missing phone, this might be a gray area as to what is "her" charges she has to pay for, and she has limited funds and it's HIS name on the bill, his credit report, etc. Plus we're a generation when they were unusual and remember when a misplaced phone could be rung up quickly with $1 a minute charges. So there's a difference in perspective on how valuable a cell phone is.)

I'm guessing that what's needed is to sit down and discuss expectations, boundaries and discipline--overall, not just with phones. It could be the cell phone blow-up is a reaction to her taking up too much time in the bathroom, her borrowing his stuff, whatever. _Just read your update post--you said she does things when YOU ask her too. How frustrating is that for him if he's loading the dishwasher while she sits around TMing someone, but it's not her set chore, and not HIS place to ask her. You don't see a big difference between set chores and chores on demand, but when you're the only one who can request chores that's a huge difference for him._ New plans, more reminders about boundaries could be the answer. Maybe with a marriage counselor that specializes in adjustment issues with blended families.


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

P.S. There's a great book called "Capitate Your Kids" by John E. Whitcomb about teaching your child responsibility with money. (It was released under another title, something about sink or swim money method, although it's really about NOT forcing your child to sink or swim. Capitate makes much more sense... but only after he explains it in the introduction.) Was totally the wrong age group for what I was looking for when I checked it out of the library, and I read it anyway because the author was so entertaining. Has some really good suggestions, perfect for that age.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Just_Isabel* 

But if _*she*_ paid for her phone, and she is paying for her own bills, why does he care?

IF she loses her phone somewhere outside and doesn't notice it, and if someone calls everyone they know and she ends up with a huge bill - just make _her_ pay for it, and she'll learn her lesson well. .

Because most kids can't cover a possible $700 phone bill and his credit could possibly suffer while she's coming up with the money. I know if my child lost her phone and ended up with a bill that high I'd not be able to cover the cost while she earned the money, and my phone would get shut off and my credit dinged.


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

well yes and children can break limbs and have astronomical medical bills that ding credit too but they are worth the potential risk- eh If you don't want the risk of a phone then no phone from the beginning is a good option

OR
Buy CELL PHONE INSURANCE

I had no idea it existed but I read an article in the new york times and the op would really feel good about her daughter's level of responsibility after reading how many phones some of those quoted have lost.


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## Just_Isabel (Mar 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
Because most kids can't cover a possible $700 phone bill and his credit could possibly suffer while she's coming up with the money. I know if my child lost her phone and ended up with a bill that high I'd not be able to cover the cost while she earned the money, and my phone would get shut off and my credit dinged.

I hadn't thought of it that way... but if someone is worried about that, a pre-paid phone would be a much better option. Are there pre-paid cellphones over there in America?


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiBeKa* 







: My cell phone is more lost than found and I need to borrow DD to call mine to find it. If the battery's not dead.


LOL. Me too.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Just_Isabel* 
If he over-reacts on her for something that makes no sense to her, especially if she notices that you also don't think he's 100% right, she'll resent him and may lose respect for him.

This is my fear. That she will not respect him, or worse yet resent him. She has to live with him for a lot of years.

I have raised her differently than anybody else in my family raised thier kids. I chose carefully HOW I wanted to raise her. Everything I did was a well thought out decision. And personally, it has worked. She is a really great kid.

He is strict, and tough. (He wasn't when we got married..he snuck that one in) He thinks she should be way more adult than she is. But, she is NOT an adult. She wont be an adult for a long time.

How do I balance this out for my daughter????


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
Because most kids can't cover a possible $700 phone bill and his credit could possibly suffer while she's coming up with the money. I know if my child lost her phone and ended up with a bill that high I'd not be able to cover the cost while she earned the money, and my phone would get shut off and my credit dinged.

I TOTALLY understand this. I told her, I wan't mad that she lost the phone. Just that she waited so long to look for it.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gendenwitha* 
P.S. There's a great book called "Capitate Your Kids" by John E. Whitcomb about teaching your child responsibility with money. (It was released under another title, something about sink or swim money method, although it's really about NOT forcing your child to sink or swim. Capitate makes much more sense... but only after he explains it in the introduction.) Was totally the wrong age group for what I was looking for when I checked it out of the library, and I read it anyway because the author was so entertaining. Has some really good suggestions, perfect for that age.

I will look for that. Thanks!


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gendenwitha* 
_Just read your update post--you said she does things when YOU ask her too. How frustrating is that for him if he's loading the dishwasher while she sits around TMing someone, but it's not her set chore, and not HIS place to ask her. You don't see a big difference between set chores and chores on demand, but when you're the only one who can request chores that's a huge difference for him._ New plans, more reminders about boundaries could be the answer. Maybe with a marriage counselor that specializes in adjustment issues with blended families.


She always does exactly what he asks too. ANd, he NEVER loads the dishwasher. LOL He does turn it on though. The dishwasher is her job. BUT, we always have to tell her. Otherwise she would go back to her books or computer or phone. And if I say "Unload the dishwasher when you finish that chapter" she WILL forget before the next sentance.

But, you are exactly right. You hit the nail on the head. He is used to having authority. He has total authority at work, and did at home (before he got married) but, now he doesn't have it with us.

There is another issue besides the phone. I just need to figure out what it is.


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## Just_Isabel (Mar 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
How do I balance this out for my daughter????

Maybe you can post this in the Blended/Stepfamily forum?

I'm very biased in this issue because I was kind of in her place not so long ago. (And I also totally forget the world around me if I'm reading something good.








) So I can see it from her perspective much better than from his... I'd say he should lead by example and treat her with as much respect as he would a grown up, especially if he expects her to act like one.








I hope you find a good solution both your daughter and husband are ok with. My older brother and my stepfather never got along well, and I know how hard that was on my mother (and for the rest of the family).


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HeatherHeather* 
ETA: What is he trying to teach her by taking her off the Qwest plan? If she still has a phone and a plan, then she could care less I'm sure. Why does he want her off *his* plan? Why does he think of it as *his* plan?

These are great questions. His reaction to this incident is telling. It _seems_ like he hasn't accepted her as part of the family. Or maybe the other way around. He doesn't consider himself as part of the family. He's still thinking with a me-against-her mentality.

Is she mouthy to him? Maybe if she lost important things constantly I'd understand his reaction. It would be exacerbating after a while. But what you describe about your daughter indicates she's a reasonably responsible *teen*, and everybody makes mistakes. His reaction is out of proportion to this incident.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ack! I only read to the bottom of page 1 and didn't notice pages 2 and 3! Off to read the rest of them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just_Isabel -- But if she paid for her phone, and she is paying for her own bills, why does he care?

Moondiapers -- IF she loses her phone somewhere outside and doesn't notice it, and if someone calls everyone they know and she ends up with a huge bill - just make her pay for it, and she'll learn her lesson well. .
Because most kids can't cover a possible $700 phone bill and his credit could possibly suffer while she's coming up with the money. I know if my child lost her phone and ended up with a bill that high I'd not be able to cover the cost while she earned the money, and my phone would get shut off and my credit dinged.
True, but this did not happen. NOTHING happened to the phone, other than it not being where she expected it to be when she went to look for it. She didn't leave it out side of the house, BECAUSE SHE IS REASONABLY RESPONSIBLE. Truly, not looking for it for a few days is NOT a real issue. And still, what if she'd lost it outside the house and someone ran up a boat load of charges on it, what then? Sounds like a one-off for this girl. She's not a flake, and mess does not equal being a flake. _Parents_ sometimes have to pay a price (literally and figuratively) for their children's mistakes. The OP's dh needs to try to walk on water next time he flips out about his step daughter making a *really minor mistake* like this. Yes, he has a balancing act to perform here. He should not be disciplining her, as he is not an original parent. Yet I would expect him to accept her and treat her with respect, because, for gosh sake, he knew what he was getting into when he got married. Dd is part of the package. Yes, he's in a difficult spot for a while. So. What. Step parenting is difficult. It's time he accept that.

That eye rolling and finger pointing is utterly childish.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
She always does exactly what he asks too. ANd, he NEVER loads the dishwasher. LOL He does turn it on though. The dishwasher is her job. BUT, we always have to tell her. Otherwise she would go back to her books or computer or phone. And if I say "Unload the dishwasher when you finish that chapter" she WILL forget before the next sentance.

I'm just going to repeat what others have said here. None of this means she's "lazy", or even disorganized. I can easily forget something that I need to do if I try to finish something else up first. I once had a desk at work that was covered six inches deep in paper. But, I could put my hands on _any_ single item within 10 seconds. Am I lazy? I don't know - I know I've worked a lot of days with no lunch break, and hauled Christmas groceries home on foot while carrying ds1, when I could have left him with the babysitter. I've been accused of always doing things hte hard way. I don't think I'm lazy or disorganized - I just have trouble with priorities sometimes, and organize myself in a different way than a lot of people do.


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

Yeah, she sounds like me when I was a teen. Super high achiever, and totally messy. I was just organizing differently, and putting my energies into certain things more than others. I punished myself plenty when I tripped up on my own messiness... I would berate myself. I once misplaced my retainer for two weeks (it was under a seat in the van) and I was sick with worry over it... but if it had been lost for good, I would have paid for a new one. That's all. Teens need strong natural consequences, I think, but this seems to be a non issue here. I think it's other stuff that needs to be talked out.


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## helen_emily (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
She always does exactly what he asks too. ANd, he NEVER loads the dishwasher. LOL He does turn it on though. The dishwasher is her job. BUT, we always have to tell her. Otherwise she would go back to her books or computer or phone. And if I say "Unload the dishwasher when you finish that chapter" she WILL forget before the next sentance.

I am a bookworm and I still do this. I have it mostly beaten though!







:

For jobs around the house I use an eggtimer that rings. I set it to 40 minutes for me to spend online (or whatever) and then I have it next to me. I can see how much time I have left.

If someone asks me to do something I set an alarm for a few minutes if I can't do it right away.

If I need to do something tomorrow (for instance) I set a reminder for myself on my phone, ten minutes before I will do the thing. When the alarm goes off I snooze it once and then it goes off then minutes later. I then ... do the job!


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
This is my fear. That she will not respect him, or worse yet resent him. She has to live with him for a lot of years.

I have raised her differently than anybody else in my family raised thier kids. I chose carefully HOW I wanted to raise her. Everything I did was a well thought out decision. And personally, it has worked. She is a really great kid.

He is strict, and tough. (He wasn't when we got married..he snuck that one in) He thinks she should be way more adult than she is. But, she is NOT an adult. She wont be an adult for a long time.

How do I balance this out for my daughter????

I haven't finished reading all the posts but I wanted to add in my two cents. I had a floor exactly like your daughters when I was her age and even older. I never cooked, never cleaned, etc... we had a maid to do all the cleaning and laundry and I was never forced to do that stuff.
Guess what happened when I decided that I was a big girl and moved out and got married and had a baby??? I learned how to cook and clean and do laundry and all the essentials. There is hope, sooner or later she will learn to pick up her room. I subscribe to the theory that when it comes to these types of responsibilities, there is always time to be a grown up, but there is precious little time to be a kid. Let her enjoy her freedom and social life while she can, she will have to grow up and go through all the daily domestic crap that the rest of us do soon enough. If your DD had developmental issues where life skills training was necessary to learn how to take care of herself then that would be a different story, but she sounds like a bright kid and I am sure she will figure all this stuff out in due time. I'm not saying to not give her any chores or responsibilities, because that is simply part of being in a family unit, everyone has to pull their weight, but she doesn't have to do all the household chores either. I would sit down with DD and figure out what is "do-able" for her in regards to time limits, and then enforce it. As for the messy room, my DS has horrid standards of cleanliness, so the agreement we have come to is that once a week he has to clean it to my satisfaction, and dishes need to be removed at the end of every day.The other 6 days he can float through all the clothes and junk if that's what he wants to do. He also needs to give me his dirty laundry on saturday morning if he wants me to wash it, otherwise he has to do it himself or wear dirty clothes to school. Some people just need clutter to be comfortable and your DD may be that type. I agree with other posters that at this point, DH needs to be left out of these conversations and decisions. It appears to me that he is using her to get even at you because he thinks you are too soft. Until he proves himself more reasonable he will have to remain out of the decision making process. I have no doubt that this will cause more than one fight between the two of you, but at this point IMO you need to protect your daughter from his pettiness and impulsive, bad choice making.

Namaste,

Michelle


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Only read the first page so far, but definitely voting for dh overreacting.

She lost it; it was an honest mistake. She didn't look for it right away, but in her defense she had a foot injury! I agree that not having it to use for the week it was misplaced is probably enough of a consequence - especially if this is the first time she's misplaced it. If it is a common problem then maybe take the phone for the number of days it was lost - though that seems a little odd to me too.


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## anubis (Oct 6, 2006)

I'm 21. Just last week I spent hours looking for my bank card. Did my fiancee get angry? No. Instead, he helped me look for it. And when I found it, he was relieved, not angry that I couldn't remember putting it in my bag. I would expect nothing less, really. I wasn't angry when he lost his glasses, which still haven't been found. He wasn't angry when I broke his ashtray by accident. And no, we're not one of those couples who never fight. I am quite argumentative by nature, and yet I would never have even thought that temporarily misplacing something would be cause for an argument of any kind. Honest mistakes are so not worth it to me, and really, having to spend some time to look for something and then finding it in perfect condition, I'd hardly even call that a mistake. And I have to agree with all the pp's who said it before, having to look for it is punishment enough. And after all the fuss, I doubt she's going to forget to make sure she knows where the phone is for a while.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 

I know this would be good for her. SHe should learn to cook, she should learn to clean. She should learn to at least keep her bathroom in an undiseased condition, even if it is messy.

Your husband is acting like a jerk. However, I have to agree with this. I don't understand why kids are not taught from a young age to clean and pick up after themselves. She has her own bathroom? She should be cleaning it, not you. I WISH I had my own bathroom at her age.

I am not saying kids should do 8 hrs of deep cleaning and scrub floors with a toothbrush. But, they don't lose much "being a kid" time by taking an hour or two a week to pick up, and clean. Everyone in a household should contribute.

JMHO.


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