# What were the coolest/sweetest/heartfelt words you heard regarding your loss?



## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

I've thought about this time and time again. Even though I have been through a loss it is still hard to find the right words (if there is such a thing) after I hear of someone else going through infertility or a loss. I suppose I know what I wish people would say to me, but we are all different. Some believe that things happen for a reason, others cringe when told that. But for you-did someone tell you something that just kind of eased your suffering, even if just for a moment and you thought about it and it brought you some sort of hope or peace?
I guess mine would be "better days are coming". I read somewhere on another mommy's blog that her grandma (i believe) told her that and the mama thought it was the most perfect thing to say. I wish someone would have told me that, but nonetheless-I say it to myself.








I should also add: If you haven't heard anything incredibly comforting-what do you think would comfort you in regards to people helping you get by?


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## Seedlings (Dec 20, 2007)

I am pretty simple so an "I am sorry and am here for you" makes me feel better. I seem to do much better when not a lot is said by someone comforting me. It kind of creates an opportunity where I can safely share how I am feeling or what I went thru.


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## Pearl1 (Aug 29, 2008)

the best response i got was from a friend at work (who's wife had experienced a miscarriage years earlier). he simply said "im so sorry" and gave me a big hug. i appreciated the response because it didnt attempt to trivialize or ignore my pain like many other trite responses did ...

~sarah


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

probably not this one... a few days later my mom visited me with a crock of soup and in a sympathetic voice said something to the effect of 'oh, you've got heavy circles under your eyes, but they'll disappear with time!' it was actually so funny! as if circles under my eyes was a concern!! anyway, it did make me laugh enough to call my sisters and tell them that one!

probably the sweetest thing was this month when my sister in law gave me a valentine telling me she understands that this must be a very difficult time for me (my due date). she is the only person who acknowledged the due date and i really needed that.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Along the lines of your "better days are coming" comment, Jess - something that struck me early on in my grief was a post from a mama on here. She was welcoming someone new and said that the best advice she was given after her loss was, "As deep as your sorrow is now, so deep shall your joy be again." I hang onto that when the world seems dark, dark grey.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Right after Baker died, it was the people who expressed ANGER who were most helpful. They were angry for us, with us, and with this impossible situation. It helped so much to know that I had good reason to be STINKING, RAVING MAD. Also, a guy friend, who I didn't expect to be especially eloquent, said that he didn't understand why something so awful would happen to good people, with tears in his eyes. And my best friend who stared and stared at this pictures for a really long time. And anyone who expressed that THEY were hurting, too...that THEY missed out on meeting and knowing our son. Basically, anyone who let me be in the throes of grief and didn't try to talk me out of it.

Thanks for the though-provoking question. I'm crying just thinking about these special people.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

awww







First of all-Dalene, I remember you. I remember first coming here and you had lost Baker not too long before I lost Joslyn. I remember thinking that I couldn't wait for you to be pregnant again and have someone to look forward to and now I see you are pregnant again.







Although you will ALWAYS miss Baker, it feels so good to know that you are 18 weeks pregnant and sharing your belly with a wee one.
Geez. It is SOOOO incredibly hard to go through a loss. I agree with ALL of you beautiful women. Within your responses it made me think of who was there for me when my loss began and now. I also felt "better" when people were angry with me, when they were sad with me, and even the simple (but kind&wonderful) "I'm sorry's"). With that said







cheers to all of us. May we all find peace and...................pregnancies







for alllll that are hoping to try for them in 2009.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

"It's okay to grieve because he is your son and you love him and he matters."


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I got an email from a midwife in another state, who I had never met. It was a very long email and full of wisdom from a wise woman and actually, from a pagan woman. I identified with what she was saying so much more than all of the "she's an angel" comments I'd received from Christian friends and finally I felt like I could communicate with someone who understood what I was feeling in my heart.

The best thing was, she'd taken time out to write this email to me and had really thought about what she was saying. I so appreciated her for that - she is a lovely lady, and we carried on an email conversation for some time. Her very first email though, hit the nail on the head and made me cry with relief, because I had been recognized and taken into someone's proverbial arms. It was as good as the best hug I have ever had









*HUGE hugs* to you all, my wonderful fellow travelers. XXX


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

I got a card from my childhood hairstylist that said something along the lines of "A life need not be long to be great and full of meaning." Which isn't really a face to face line, but was really nice to read. It acknowleges the awesomeness of the loss, and the awesomeness of my son. I just really appreciated it.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

The only comfort I found was a woman across the street came over, told me she had lost a child too, gave me a hug and left. I felt a lessening of my grief because I wasn't alone.

Not really cool or sweet, but it's what comforted me.


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## famille_huggins (Mar 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa_nc* 
"It's okay to grieve because he is your son and you love him and he matters."

I heard things like this, and was really moved. Words like these were so vital when we were hearing other things like, "God needed an angel" _(yeah, right)_, "Don't let this define your life" _(said to me by our pastor's wife)_, and "You're young, you can try again" _(and clearly we can lose again)_. I think in general, if you're not confident your words will bring some measure of actual comfort, it's best to say a simple "I'm so sorry" or nothing at all. It's amazing how detrimental the wrong words can be.


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## clicksab (Oct 15, 2006)

"It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad and mad and grieve. And don't listen to anyone who tells you differently!"
Said to me by my wise friend/motherly figure, and I only wish I could convey the emotion she put into those sentences.


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## Tear78 (Nov 28, 2008)

What a wonderful idea for a thread. DH wins the prize, he told me yesterday to look at how deeply we are hurting, and imagine how much stronger our joy will be when we return to the hospital and hold our healthy wonderful little baby. I love him so much!!!

Another MDC friend said that our little baby has tried two times now to let us know he/she is on the way, and some day we'll get to meet him/her. I found this comforting as it felt like less of a loss, and more of a delayed meeting of loved ones.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I would have to say for me that my husbands word comforted me most. I was having a lot of issues thinking about my baby being born into heaven alone. But he reminded me that he wasn't alone - that his mom would be rocking him and enjoying him like she never really was allowed to enjoy the others (she passed before our daughter). That really comforted me.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tear78* 
What a wonderful idea for a thread. DH wins the prize, he told me yesterday to look at how deeply we are hurting, and imagine how much stronger our joy will be when we return to the hospital and hold our healthy wonderful little baby. I love him so much!!!

Another MDC friend said that our little baby has tried two times now to let us know he/she is on the way, and some day we'll get to meet him/her. I found this comforting as it felt like less of a loss, and more of a delayed meeting of loved ones.

yes! I definitely think about that.







that it will be the best day of our lives and we won't take anything for granted.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm not remembering any specific words, there were so many beautiful heartfelt words...but I felt true compassion, caring and understanding from SO many people... I could really FEEL it just coming from everyone. It soothed my heart.


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## CawMama (Nov 4, 2005)

Just people aknowledging that it had happened, was huge for me. Dh's dad didn't say a word about it, and that really upset me.

One action that really sticks with me, is when ds (almost 3 now) wiped my tears away. He's such a gentle soul!


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

awww how wonderful. i love that kids sometimes know the perfect thing to say or do when you're sad.
i'm with you on being sad because someone doesn't acknowledge the loss. about 3 or 4 months after my loss i went out and cleaned up my "myspace friends". I posted blogs, bulletins and status updates on how i was doing and coping....some people i know read them and didn't even message or comment a single i'm sorry post or thinking of you comment to me. i deleted them


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## mormontreehugger (Feb 25, 2009)

The best thing I got was from DH, although it took him about a month to realize that it was a horrible loss for me even though it was a relief to him (our marriage had a few issues and we weren't as ready for a child as we could be at the time). Someone at church asked me how I was feeling or said something about how it was good I wasn't feeling so sick anymore (morning sickness allllll daaaaaaayyyy loooooong). To be fair to her, I don't think she knew about the miscarriage but DH got really mad after she walked away and said several things about insensitivity and how could someone say something like that. I actually had to defend the poor woman! But I felt really great afterward, because he had finally truly acknowledged my loss.

What I wished had happened, beyond the temporary sympathy that came my way (didn't last long, after all at least I wasn't "further along" and it could have been worse--is there anything more invalidating?) was that someone had somehow remembered me on Mother's Day or even remembered my due date or anything like that. It would have been nice to hear that it was ok to hurt deeply over losing a baby I never even got to feel move inside me or have a heartbeat I could see. It would have been even nicer if the insensitive SOB I mean OB







could have stopped calling my baby a fetus and an unviable pregnancy. Sigh...

Happily I'm 14 weeks pregnant and everything looks well this time.


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

I remember talking to a friend after my first loss. I was saying how sad I was, because the timing would have been perfect. A June due date, and my dd would have been just 3 years older. She said "You know what? Births are such a special time, whenever it happens, it will be perfect."
I keep remembering those words now, a few years later, thinking about this loss.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Not in order of importance:

1.) Called a friend to give her the bad news and though she was in the middle of cooking dinner for her family, she started crying and asked me if she could pray for us. That was the sweetest thing. I put the phone on speakerphone so DH could hear. She sobbed her way through the sweetest prayer for us. For healing, comfort, for the baby, everything. It was perfect.

2.) This email response I got to the "Bad News" email I sent: Oh dear, ~ I just read your Email and I'm sobbing..... your news is so sad and my heart hurts for all of us that we will not know your sweet first baby.....Please know that you had a very real relationship with that little being, and that tiny living soul knew he/s was so loved and welcome by you and "DH" (changed his name)!
You are in our prayers, our hearts, and our thoughts ~ With love

3.) The day of my D&C, my chiropractor called and asked how I was. I said I was okay and she asked if I was home. I said, "Yes" and she said, "Good, I'll be right there." She came in the door with a big, strong hug and 4 jars full of hot, fresh chicken and rice soup that she had just made, with a big stick of crusty french bread and a nice sparkling juice. If she had asked "Can I bring you food?" I would have said "No thanks" but she knew I needed it. Many tears were shed over bowls of that soup, but it warmed my soul.

4.) My dad just cried. I called and his sweet little voice sounded like a crushed 5 year old boy. "What? What do you mean?" and then he erupted in tears. I've never heard him cry. Ever. Not even when his dad died. Here he was, sobbing on the phone with me. Exactly what I needed.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

you know what?! THANK YOU GUYS!! all of you! For a while there I was thinking that no one really was very sad for us and expected us to be just fine, but reading your posts, I now realize that a lot of people were and are there for us, I just was swallowed in my own grief and kind of failed to recognize their kind words. Maybe sometimes it just takes a while to fully appreciate it?


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

I have had a lot of cards and stuff but not managed to read them yet. I don't know if I ever will. I know though that loads of people are really embarassed and don't know what to say, but I just wish they wouldn't say anything at all.

The one thing that helps me is thinking that every day that goes past is one day closer to me holding a little baby in my arms. I just hope that I get pregnant this cycle so that maybe I can make it back home for Christmas, and have a Christmas with a baby back in the UK that will feel completely different from last year.


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

The DH of a friend at church would ask me for weeks after my miscarriage how I was doing, how my last doctor's appointment had gone, etc. I was so touched that he kept asking when everybody else pretended it hadn't happened. Especially guys, because they are usually so uncomfortable with miscarriages, female emotions, etc.

Then another friend brought over a basket that had a little pot of yellow daffodils, a box of tissues, and a little package of Band-Aid bubble gum, along with a sympathy card. I will never forget that.


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