# Sick and tired of repeating, repeating, repeating myself



## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

And I'd really like to change the situation.

Trying to get DS dressed in the morning
me: "DS, time to get dressed. Please come here."
DS ignores me and keeps doing whatever.
me: "time to get dressed now. Please pick out a pair of underwear."
DS: "zoom-zoom" as he drags a tractor across the floor (or whatever)
me: "DS, stop playing with the tractor. Time to get dressed. Pick out a pair of underwear now."
DS: heading towards the dresser but getting distracted on the way by a box. He thinks it will make a cool ramp for his tractor, so he starts playing with that instead.
me, now frustrated and mad: "If you want me to help you get dressed, get your underwear NOW! Otherwise I am leaving to get myself ready and you can get dressed by yourself!"
DS: "no mom. You have to help me get dressed." Gets his underwear, but on the way back sees a piece of paper and picks it up and starts studying it.
Me, now mad, I take the paper out of his hands and pull him toward me and say in a not kind tone "Put your underwear on now."
DS looks away, drifts off into space, and I end up putting on his underwear, and all the rest of his clothes. I even have to get him back into the world to help put his leg into his pants without me doing all the effort.
me: "Help me here, DS. Please put your leg into your pants...." At 4 yo, he can lift his leg without me having to move all his muscles for him like a newborn. Heck my 2 yo can balance on one foot in order to put her leg into her pant and will be thrilled the day she can do it "all by myself."

This isn't about underwear, it is an example. This is a very small, uncluttered room. I am sitting on the bed, the dresser is 3 feet away from both of us. If I have all his clothes out, including underwear, it doesn't help. He can get distracted by his own shadow on the floor. I kid you not. If the room is spotless, he will find a hair on the floor and comment how it resembles the letter S. Sometimes I have to take both hands to his face and gently pull his face to mine and communicate with him. FWIW, he can hear. He has ear drains in and his hearing is tested regularly. It stresses me more on weekdays, when we have to be out of the house for daycare and work. However, we have as much time as we want on weekends, and it is just the same. So giving him a half hour for a task or three hours makes no difference.

Everything is like this. Getting dressed. Eating breakfast. Putting on coat, hat and shoes to go outside. Asking him to come into the kitchen for dinner. It's everything, all day long. Even if it is something he wants to do, like see a friend, or go for ice cream, it takes forever.

He is honestly not doing this to bug the cr*p out of me (though I feel like it sometimes). I was the same way as a child. My brain was just always elsewhere. No focus. Realizing this usually gives me enough patience to deal with it. But sometimes I start to snap. And after 4 years, I am just sick of it. Really.

If you have read this far, thank you very much. Any and all suggestions welcome.


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## daytripper75 (Jul 29, 2003)

We have a couple of tactics for this one. The first one is the "all by myself game." We encourage our lo to get dressed all by herself and see if she can be "the winner!" (Of course, there is no loser as she is competing against herself.) It sounds like this tactic might work if you can get him excited about focusing on the task at hand.
The other one is a tactic I read in "The No Cry Discipline Solution." It says that when children are not responding to your requests you should ask once from less than 20 feet away. Wait three minutes. If the child does not respond, you should go over and lead them to whatever it was you wanted them to do and firmly tell them that you expect them to listen to you when you speak.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

ROFL. This is my life.

I tell my daughter it's time to get dressed, and start getting myself dressed. Then I check to see if she's made progress, and if not I get clothes out and give them to her and tell her again. Then I finish getting dressed and if she hasn't made progress I just dress her. I don't know how often she actually gets herself dressed because I don't keep track.

But yeah getting her to put on her snowpants and coat and mittens, getting her to clean up something, getting her to eat breakfast before school, etc., all seem to involve me getting something started, leaving her to it, checking on her and getting it going more, leaving her to it, on and on until it gets done.

I was the same way too as a kid. I'm still a bit like that. I don't know if there's a real solution, because obviously I don't have one. I'll keep track of this thread.


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## muttmom92 (Mar 20, 2005)

This sounds all too familiar to me too. What seems to be working lately with my DD for things like getting ready and cleaning up is to time her. She says, "ok Mommy. Time me." Then she focuses and races around as fast as she can to finish. Then she asks how long it took her even though she really has no sense of time.









It doesn't always work, but when it does, things are much less stressful for everyone.


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## lurve (May 5, 2006)

maybe try some "playful parenting" (love the book). use the tractor to help him get dressed. "what would the tractor like you to wear today?" or " does this shirt look good on the tractor"...


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## abeliamama (Feb 5, 2007)

take a deep breath and try humor.

"Which foot wants to go first?" "NO! That foot was first yesterday!"
"Should I put these pants on my head?" "No? Your Head?" "What? Your leg?"

I know it's hard when you are rushed, tired, etc. but it saves time in the long run.


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## fritz (Nov 9, 2005)

Accept that he is how he is. If it makes your life easier/reduces your stress, go in with the expectation that you'll have to get him dressed all by yourself for now. Comparing his self-sufficiency to his 2yo sibling isn't helping you accept him as he is--it's making you resentful and upset. Let it go. Breathe in, breathe out. Also accept that he's not apparently an auditory learner, so stop relying on your voice to do all the work, and instead use your body (gentle touches) more.

Yes, it's frustrating--but it's temporary. You won't still be doing all the work of dressing him (or whatever other task is required) when he's 15...I guarantee it! =) You've lived it, so you know this the way nobody else can. Yes, he needs to learn how to do this himself...eventually. Right now he's not too interested.

So, instead of wasting your time and increasing your frustration by calling him, expecting him to come right away and focus long enough to accomplish what _you_ want, just make it happen. By all means, give him a verbal cue--time to get dressed, or whatever, but then physically go get him--touch him to get him to focus on you long enough to hear what it's time to do, then gently guide him to where you need him to be (my 3.5yo DS happens to like it when I push him from behind and make choo choo noises), then do what you want done. You decide what he'll wear--streamline the process even moreso by taking him out of it (unless he's aware enough to state a preference, or gets upset by not having input).

It sounds like he has an amazing imagination and that his brain is just too busy making lots of different connections to pay attention to practical stuff like food and clothes for now--it's fine, he's only 4! He is doing what he needs to do.


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## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

I have one of these children and what works best for me is: Do you know what you're going to wear or do you want me to pick something out (once outfit is established) Okay, we're leaving in 10 minutes. Then do a countdown every two minutes or so. Then, when you're ready to leave, leave. You may have to grab some clothes and dress him when you get to your destination, but it only takes a couple of times.

Here's why I do it this way: My dd2 said to me one day, "everyone is always telling me what to do." I thought about it and she was right. Me, teachers, her father an older sister. So, I let her run it her own way. By giving her the responsibility, she not only stepped up, but freed up my time. Eventually we may use a timer, but right now this is working

Good luck!

-H


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

To get dressed or really to do anything in a specific time frame, we use a kitchen timer and play beat the timer. We have never needed a consequence the thrill of the race is enough motivation.


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## gillibean (Nov 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pauletoy* 
To get dressed or really to do anything in a specific time frame, we use a kitchen timer and play beat the timer. We have never needed a consequence the thrill of the race is enough motivation.

This has worked really well for us. If we make things a race then things are more fun. One variation we sometimes do is that I'll count. I'll say, "Let's see if you can get your socks on before I get to 10." Then it's a race for him to get his socks on. For each article of clothing we start over. This was really good when we were first starting this strategy because he had to stay focused for just one thing at a time. It also gave him a lot of little successes. One thing I like about counting is that if he's struggling with something (ie. buttons or a stuck zipper) I can stop counting while I ask if he needs help. Then I start counting where I left off. Also sometimes I'll also say nine and a half, nine and three quarters . . . , especially if it's obvious that he was trying. Another thing is that I can be in my room getting dressed but because I'm counting out loud he can hear it and it helps him remember what he's supposed to be doing. Sometimes we'll just have a race to see who can get dressed fastest.

Another thing I did when he was younger but it's more hands-on, is that when I would say it's time to get dressed I'd physically lead him to his room. If I was helping him get dressed I'd ask where his head is while looking through the head hole of his shirt. I'd do this with each of his limbs. He would love 'poking' me in the eye while I was looking through his shirt. (I actually did this with my other two kids too and have very fond memories of my mom and grandmother doing it with me.


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

my son is like that. imo, choose your battles. if you HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW, dress him yourself and let him be the passive recipient if he seems to prefer that. he won't become an adult who can't dress himself, unless of course there are much bigger issues going on. if you DON'T have to leave RIGHT NOW, go the playful route as others have suggested.

it sounds like it isn't "defiance" (i hate that word but you kwim and it's too early for me to think of another one LOL), but just his temperament. he doesn't care about being dressed as much as he does about doing other cool stuff.

ack gotta go my kids are wacking each other with a flute.


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## MommaFox (Jul 21, 2008)

My #1 son i slike this. Every single day. And if I ask him to dress himself, IF he ever gets around to it, he'll put on swim trunks and a knitted vest that keeps making a re-appearance from the goodwill pile. Or soccer shorts and a sweatwer, or the cordouroys that also keep comming back from the pile and his pajama shirt. It's uncanny. I have to lay the clothes out for him. Some mornings I have to drop them on his head while he's playing. Other mornings I have to folow him and make sure he's putting the clothes on. Once in a great while, I have to physically dress him. Sometmes, when the baby's screaming and I'm trying to get myself ready and breakfast is burning and the lady on the news is promising an ice storm and school hasn't been closed and we're running out of time... I just have to pick my battles. DS wore snow boots to school today. There's maybe 1/2 an inch out there, but he wanted to wear the boots and I was just worn out. (he was so delighted to get to wear the boots that he put on one of his own socks and one of his daddy's. That did not delight me) So we had a sock hunt.


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