# "Daddy spanked me"



## ~Nikki~ (Aug 4, 2004)

This is what my daughter told me yesterday afternoon. As it turned out, her father didn't actually spank her. When she said this to me, I asked her when it happened, and what exactly he did. She said "He told me it was wrong to be mean to my brother, and then I cried." I told her that wasn't spanking. She said "Mommy, you spank me sometimes, too." (I absolutely don't.) I said "When have I spanked you??" She replied "You got mad at me the other day when I pushed my brother down."

From what I could gather, she thinks that the word "spank" means discipline. We don't even yell at her. We tell her why her behaviour was wrong, because it hurt somebody. But I was stumped as to where she got the word spank from, because we don't even use it.

I pulled DH into another room and asked him about it, and he sheepishly said "Oh, crap.....I was furious the other day and told her that I would spank her if she didn't start behaving." He's not even sure where it came from. He used a phrase his father used to use, and it was just an automatic reflex.

But, the damage has been done, and now DD knows the word spank. And even worse, she thinks that our method of discipline is spanking! She has said a few times since then, that she didn't want to tell us about something she did (ie: filling the toilet completely up with toilet paper) because she thought she would get a spanking. We've never spanked her! Ahhhh! So what do I do now? Should I explain to her what spanking really is? She's three. I don't know if it'd freak her out or not. Should I let it go? Should I follow her around trying to explain to family members that no, we don't spank her...she just adopted the word as meaning "discipline?"


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

I'd tell her strait up

Spanking is hitting and we dont hit in this house, therefore we dont spank you.

We dont hit you, so we dont spank you. We help you learn.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Where's a wincing smiley when I need one?

I think a good start would be for your dh to apologize for making the threat and explain that he was frustrated and spoke without thinking and would *never* spank her.

You can probably get away with not explaining that spanking is hitting just yet, if you don't want to, but you'll probably want to explain that spanking is what some parents do with their kids instead of what you do with her.

There also seems like there might be some confusion for her about anger as an emotion?


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I know it's not funny, but it almost is. Think of it this way, spanking is so far from her reality that she doesn't even know what it is.

You and your dp deserve a big pat on the back. (Although I'd apologize too if I said something wonky like that.)


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I don't think her issue is with the use of the word "spanking." I think she is telling you that she is upset/disturbed by your response when she does something wrong. She is afraid of your response.

Maybe she cannot tolerate knowing she has made you mad or disappointed you. It might help to talk about feelings, how everyone has them, and that its okay to have angry feelings. She is still safe and loved even when you are upset.

Or maybe she is very sensitive and even the slightest raised voice is scary to her.

She might be able to participate in a discussion with you about what part of the "spanking" is bothering her, and how she would like to be treated when she has done something she shouldn't.

I don't think her incorrect use of the word "spank" is much of an issue (unless you feel embarrassed when she tells other people that she is spanked).


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## Max'sMama (Apr 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114* 
I'd tell her strait up

Spanking is hitting and we dont hit in this house, therefore we dont spank you.

We dont hit you, so we dont spank you. We help you learn.

I agree! This conversation has happened in our house. I mean the words exactly. Weird. Where is the twilight zone smiley?


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

Did you ask her what spanking means, like what happens when someone gets spanked?


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## janerose (May 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114* 
I'd tell her strait up

Spanking is hitting and we dont hit in this house, therefore we dont spank you.

We dont hit you, so we dont spank you. We help you learn.

Gotta second this as well. We're find being really direct with DD, who is 26 months, works best. She is totally capable of understanding this concept. I know because we've already had to have it with her & she definitly gets it!

Since your child is already aware that there are certain ways you don't treat others -- shoving a sibling for example -- it's not really that big a stretch to extend it to hitting.

Holly


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

The only problem I have with the above approach is that Daddy threatened to spank her, so if you say "spanking is hitting" it might make her afraid that Daddy is going to hit her. So either Daddy has to sit down with her and explain that he would never hit her, he was just angry and said something he didn't mean - which in itself is a lot for a 2 yr. old to process - or you might want to not explicitly state that spanking is hitting, which is why I wondered what exactly she meant by "spanking".

Hmm... I hope that all makes sense.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Wow -- you've gotten such great advice already. I don't have much to add but would echo what another poster said: make sure that, if you decide to explain that "spanking" means hitting and that you would never do that to her, you also reassure her that her daddy would never do so and that he is sorry he said such a thing (and maybe explain that sometimes we say things we really don't mean when we are angry but that we need to apologize and explain afterward if we do that).


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Unless your child lives in isolation from other children, she may not have picked up the word from your DH at all. Other kid are spanked and they do discuss this amongst themselves. Or she may have overheard another parent threaten or actually observed a spanking. Because children do learn from their peers, even at this age, I think its important to be straightforward and make sure they understand what words they use actually mean.


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## ~Nikki~ (Aug 4, 2004)

Thanks for the ideas.

Evan&Anna's_Mom, the only other children she's around at this point are other kids whose parents are following AP, and who I know are not spanked. She's not in daycare and isn't babysat (aside from her grandparents, who don't spank). I know she's never witnessed a child being spanked, because I'm always with her when we go out, so I would have witnessed it, too. She truly doesn't know what the word means. Not because I've attempted to shelter her from it, but simply because she's never had the opportunity to learn it. Until now.









I talked to DH about it that night, and he told me that he had apologized to her for saying it. But he doesn't want to explain to her what spanking is until this event isn't so fresh in her mind, because he feels horrible that the phrase slipped out. He doesn't want her to think that he actually meant to spank her. If she brings it up again in the following weeks, we'll sit her down and explain to her what the word spanking means, and that it's something we'll never do to her or her brother.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Nikki~* 
Thanks for the ideas.

Evan&Anna's_Mom, the only other children she's around at this point are other kids whose parents are following AP, and who I know are not spanked. She's not in daycare and isn't babysat (aside from her grandparents, who don't spank). I know she's never witnessed a child being spanked, because I'm always with her when we go out, so I would have witnessed it, too. She truly doesn't know what the word means. Not because I've attempted to shelter her from it, but simply because she's never had the opportunity to learn it. Until now.










I believe you. My ds didn't know what it meant until he was about 7 or 8?


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## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

We made it to 3 1/2 years with our oldest. We were out in a store and a woman started yelling at her 1 year old that she was going to spank her. I was trying to hightail it out of there with the kids before we actually witnessed it. Ds wasn't ready to leave, so I asked him to please come with me and we would discuss why after we left. We had a conversation about the woman yelling at her kid (which he had found upsetting) and then got into what the word "spank" means - and that some parents hit their kids. The look of horror on his little face.....


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