# She is pregnant



## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Oh, man .. Ok this is probably not really the place for this, but I don’t know where to put it. She is pregnant again… my dd. She is 20 now. She got pregnant when she was 16 and now her ds is 3 ½ . She is doing well, as a mother, but is still lagging in many areas and certainly not “taking care of herself” yet. DH and I support them completely financially and we care for our grandson a lot of the time. I don’t mind this arrangement but I don’t think she is ready for another child. I was so hoping she would finish school and start doing something to start becoming self sufficient. She needs to know that she can take care of herself and her child; she needs that for her self esteem. She can barley handle her son all day how is she going to be with 2? Sigh … I am rambling, I am sorry I am just so worried... Now what?


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Ah, somebody say something “holy [email protected]” or “it’s her life” or something


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

All I can send are hugs. I got pregnant with my first at 16, and was lucky enough to have parents who helped me out until I got my stuff together at 19. So there is hope!


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## boobybunny (Jun 28, 2005)

Oh Cherie...

Hugs, just hugs.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

thanks, how many kids do you have? how long before you got pregers again? I just thought that it would be the two of them for a while ... until she was at least on her feet ya know?


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boobybunny* 
Oh Cherie...

Hugs, just hugs.

thanks







at least this time its not with Him ... who knows if this one is any better though???


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

"Holy crap" and "it's her life".









It is also a blessing - albeit a stressful one.

Congrats to both of you and wishing you both strength, wisdom and peace.

Kathy


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

she's lucky to have you. not everybody would do what you do for her and not everybody would keep doing it when she got pg again. i know this can't be easy. if it were my kid i would want to clobber her. and then make sure she was using some kind of birth control. how does she feel about it? she better get you good mothers day presents









i know if i got pg again my mom would clobber me. although according to my little brother she told him she thinks its only a matter of time. i would flee the country before telling her i was pg again









it really will be ok. but you already know that







so how did she tell you? my dad says he will never feel the same way about red robin b/c thats where we were eating when i told him


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## Medusa (Mar 25, 2004)

I couldn't read and not reply. What a rough situation. I think it would be entirely appropriate for you to set some rules in return for your continued support. One being that she continue her education (online if need be), and that she seeks counsiling to help her deal with self esteem issues. A good therapist can help her create a life plan that works and feels acheivible to her.

What a wonderful parent you are for standing by her and supporting her though this.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Holy Crap!LOL

It's her life, let her live it...but don't enable her. She's taking advantage of you at this point, getting pregnant again. When you're not supporting yourself, how can you justify getting pregnant again without even consulting the person supporting you and your child? Did she mention trying for another one? You really need to let her "live her life" and let her feel her decisions.

One child, I can see helping my daughter get herself together and help out...the 2nd one?....ok, now you're just using me.


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## CheapPearls (Aug 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Medusa* 
I couldn't read and not reply. What a rough situation. I think it would be entirely appropriate for you to set some rules in return for your continued support. One being that she continue her education (online if need be), and that she seeks counsiling to help her deal with self esteem issues. A good therapist can help her create a life plan that works and feels acheivible to her.

What a wonderful parent you are for standing by her and supporting her though this.









:

She needs to step up and be a parent. I wonder a little that maybe because you have been taking care of so much for her she has no reason to be the adult she is.

When I got pregnant at 17 my mom offered her limited support but made it clear that I was the Mama and I needed to act like it. I am very grateful for her support but also because she pushed me and my boyfriend (now DH) to grow up and take responsibility.

Where is the father, of both the older child and this one? Is she getting child support?


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

o i just read that it was with another guy. well.. like you said.. at least its not the same guy. hopefully this one is better.

i might consider setting some ground rules. she understands what it means to be a mother and she is pg again. i would assume that she is prepared to take responsibility for her decisions. including financial responsibility for the baby and for any non necessity for herself (friends time and such.)


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i agree that she is now taking advantage. obviously you aren't going to kick her out on her a$$ but i would start expecting her to support herself and the littles. she needs to take responsibility for her choices.

these are the things to immediately come to mind

is she going to BF? if not she should buy the formula herself.
is she going to school and doing well? if not she needs to get a job.. she might want to get one anyway
she should be paying for any social activities she does.
she should also be another adult in the household. do her own and her kids' laundry. help with house work etc. i might make her pay rent if it were me.. not a lot . but something.
i imagine you or your dh watch the littles while she does school or work but i would consider charging her for babysitting anytime she wants to go out with friends or something.

obviously just suggestions some may work for you guys and some may not.. but i wanted to give some examples instead of just saying she should be responsible.









o and more























tell her to get on here and post... we give great advice


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## LuckyTrish (Dec 29, 2008)

I couldn't read and not reply! My thoughts are with your family!


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

First time accident - but second time??







I'd be mad and heartbroken.

Was she using birth control?

Is she in school or working or both?

Is the baby's father going to be involved and pay child support? Are they together?

I'm sorry you are in this situation...


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i would encourage her (or possibly require her) to pursue child support.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

oh lots of questions







this is going to be a little harder now that im home and posting from my phone...
thanks kathy, its a little hard just yet to take in the blessing but i know its there.

she told me last night by saying she needed a dr appointment.. she said "not that kind" and pointed to her belly. i tried not to over react but asked her if she planned to keep it and she smiled and nodded yes. i am not sure what all she is feeling about it we have not had a chance to talk about it today yet, she doesn't want to tell anybody yet.

her body was not doing well on the bc she was taking so she had stopped, but she wasn't having sex (obviously she started having some but what the hell ever happend to condoms??)

i do feel like she is starting to take advantage but i don't think she is really aware. she does work in the house and takes care of her and ds laundry and such, but we are drowning financially and don't know how we are going to handle this.
to be continued...


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

more














i think it is reasonable to expect her to work and contribute financially. it will still cost her less then if she is out on her own so its a good way for her to get started.


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## Labbemama (May 23, 2008)

Is she on your health insurance since she's still a student?

I would be freaking out too if it were my dd. (hugs)

I think this is pretty common though once a teenage mom, girls do tend to have a second baby. I was reading People magazine the other day (Yeah I know not exactly scholarly reviewed, lol, but it was the Bristol Palin one and it said about the rarity that it is that girls complete high school once they've been pregnant and even fewer (like less than 5%) get a bachelors degree by the time they are 30.

Had my first dd at 18 and the 2nd 2 years later but it was just dh and I. We didn't expect my mom to help out. I did complete school though...my dad insisted. He didn't really help--he was a huge nag is all. LOL.

I really hope you will do what you can to help her get some training or education to support her self and kids. Maybe her doc can suggest some other forms of bc since she didn't tolerate it well.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

she might look into nuva ring. it is local hormones and you don't have to take it daily.. just put it in leave it for 3 weeks and take it out. then put a new one in at the end of the week... repeat.

i know IUDs have their downsides but i think you can get one that doesn't have hormones. it seems like it would be reasonable to assume she is having sex or going to have sex.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

so as far as the dads go her sons dad proved to be incredibly irresponsible and has gone to live with his mother 100 miles away. she went there with him to try to make it work but returned a couple months ago. he or his family have not even called since she's been back. this new guy i am not super crazy about either, no job, also quite immature. oh and he was the first guys best friend... nice huh? so yea no support financially.. yet anyway.

these two have just been sort of "seeing" each other so no i doubt she was trying to get pregnant.

she does want to get a job but has had a hard time finding one with no experience and no ged. recently she started working on getting her ged but has not followed up with the workshops. she wants to go to massage school.

in the past i have gone a little easy on her because she has come close to major mental/emotional meltdown and i worry about her stability. less now though that the other guy is out of her life. she hasn't had a meltdown since he left.


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## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

to you.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

oy. poor thing. it sounds like she is having a hard time. and maybe some space from the not quite men in her life. it was good of her to go there and try to make it work though. i imagine you gritted your teeth through the whole thing. DP and I are in love and happy and a family and it took my mother a long time to be ok with that. if DP was immature, uninvolved, and made me unhappy she would be having a nervous break down right about now.

she'll be ok... some of us just take a little longer to get it together


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

you don't even know, it was sooooooo hard. but i think she really needed some time in the snake pit so to speak to see that was not the life she wanted for herself or her son. i can't tell you how many times dh and i almost went and grabbed that baby.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

ugh it must have been hard not to. the only thing worse then knowing your baby is with people who are not good for her is knowing that she is there with her baby. my mother now worries in several different dimensions... its really quite extraordinary. i can appreciate it more now that i am a mom though.

hopefully spending that time with his family will give her an idea of what she doesn't want in life. does he know about the second baby? when you said they were best friends i cringed b/c they could make her life very hard. it makes me want to hug her.. she must be going through a lot right now. i really feel for her. its just a rough situation.


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

You've already gotten a lot of good advice.

You might want to talk to her about her birth contol choices, her choices in men and what kind of life she wants for herself and her babies who are depending on her.

Fun and games time is over. She will have two little ones depending on her and her judgement.

I don't mean to sound harsh.

She has little people she is responsible for now, though.

I really don't mean to sound harsh.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

to you. I can only imagine how tough this is for you. This is your DD and you want the best for her. You also sound like a wonderful grandmother as well. Your DD is lucky to have someone like you in her life.

OTOH, she is 20 years old and and adult, so you probably need to loosen the reigns a bit. I bet your DD isn't paying for daycare, an apartment, bills and a car is she? If she isn't truly taking care of herself then she doesn't have the reality of it all yet. If you do too much 'for' her and her 3 yr old child, then it makes it much easier for her to expect you to do it for this child as well. When will she ever learn? She will never learn true responsibility without getting out there on her own and making mistakes and doing it all by herself. She has responsibilities and needs to work hard to care for these children by herself as much as possible.

I don't mean to sound down on you and I'm really not trying to be. I think you sound like a great person. You are so concerned. I have 3 neices that all had their first children very young and aren't married. One of those neices is currently expecting her second child around the same time as I expect my baby to arrive this year. She is with a different guy, he treats her like crap and will likely leave her. He has kids with 3 other women.







She is already 26 years old so she knows better at this point BUT her parents and grandparents do everything for her and don't push her out there to take care of herself and her current child so she doens't know any better.

Is it possible for you to discuss a type of birth control for your DD once she has this second child?


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## slingmama4 (Jan 4, 2008)

I just wanted to say that I think my mother could've written your OP about me 11 yrs ago. I will share my story and hope it gives you some advice on what to do and hope that it will get better.

I became pregnant at 17yo (I am 29yo now), boyfriend left, ordered child support, but he has never paid (can't keep a job). Lived with my mom, dropped out of school. My mom said I had to get my GED and start college (or some sort of avenue to support myself and my son) if I wanted to live with her. She was absolutely IN LOVE with my son, but played tough love with me. Refused to change diapers, or baby-sit while I went out... It was my son and that was that. She played and loved on him when we were home.

I was very hung up on how I had ruined my son's and my life and thought I HAD to FIX it. So, when ds was 14mo I met a man who seemed nice and decided he was my way out. He was the way I could make all things better. My mom told me she didn't think he was "the one," but I refused to listen. He had his own apt and was almost 10yo older than I. I quickly moved in with him and played house. I wanted to show my mom that I was "responsible."

Well, about 4mths later.......ooops pregnant again. I was 19yo. Seriously, I was just too young, irresponsible, and lazy to handle birth control. I never took it regularly and thought it wouldn't happen again, right? Needless to say, telling my mom I was pregnant again was horrible. She couldn't believe I'd scew up twice. Like a pp said. First time. &#8230;accident. Second time....you should know better. Well, whatever the learning curve was for me it had happened and there I was.

About a week before I found out I was pregnant with ds#2, I had decided to brake up with my bf. I knew he wasn't "the one" (just like my mama said.) Then, I found out I was pregnant and just could not go back home with two babies from two different men. So, I decided to get married and fix my mistake. I was 3mths pregnant and we got married. Two weeks later, I woke up to him urinating in the corner of our bedroom (he was an alcoholic) and left to return humbly to my mama's house. I knew marrying him was NOT the way to fix everything. We divorced. He never saw or wanted our pregnancy/baby. I am pro-life, but abortion ran through my mind. The option of adoption was there the entire pregnancy. I just wanted to run and hide out of embarrassment because I had done this now twice. My mom was so disappointed in me, but loved me through it. All along she continued to encourage me to stay in college even if it was one class at a time.

At about 6mths pregnant I rededicated my life to the Lord and realized I sucked at choosing men and accepted being a single mom until God brought the right man to me, whenever that may be. I chose to not date.

Three years later and still in college, I met an amazing man. I told him from the get go that I was not having sex until I was married. He thought that was funny since I already had 2 kids (he's a riot). I knew that he was "the one" from the moment we met. He loved the Lord, me, and just was natural with my boys. We got married 6months later. Waiting to have sex on my wedding night, with the man that I love, was the most incredible thing I have ever done. We have been happily married for almost 8yrs now and I sometimes still can't believe that it all came together the way it did. At times it had seemed so gloomy. He adopted my sons and we now are pregnant with our third baby. So, all together we'll have 5! I did graduate from college.with my BS in ECE after struggling though for 6 years along with my mama's foot in my buttocks non-stop.

Neither of my son's biological father's have ever been active in there lives. I am grateful for that because it has aloud us to be a family. My son's know my history. We are a very open family and talk about everything. It is what it is and there's no hiding it. I truly hope that they will learn from it and make better choices than I did.

As for my mom, her tough love was the key. She never took over parenting for me. I am sure she wanted to rescue my son from my choices, especially when I moved in with the second guy. She didn't. I know it was hard to watch me struggle and fail, but I think I needed to do that in order to find my way. She couldn't hold my hand. She aloud me to live in her home, but under very strict rules (that I hated at the time). Some of her rules were: in-college full time (if I wasn't working), I had to find my own childcare (she did help pay along with student loans), but it was my responsibility to care for my sons in all aspects. She never changed a diaper or got up in the middle of the night. She simply provided me food, shelter, and love so that I had the opportunity to stop digging and climb the ladder to success.

I know you are heart broken and probably feel like you have failed yourself. (My mom told me years later that was how she felt.) I would give your dd guidance and rules that will help her be successful if she chooses to live in your home. I would not enable her to continue making bad choices. Love her, pray for her, and know that it will all work out.

My sons are 11 and 9 now and they are truly the best things that have ever happened to me. They changed my life.

Hope my story helps you.


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## mommajb (Mar 4, 2005)

Ugh. So hard.

Where is that line between helping and enabling?
Between support and sending the message that she needs help and can't do it on her own.

My own are to young for this particular problem but I am sending vibes of strength your way. It is an added difficulty that her decisions affect small children, not just herself.


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## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

I just have to pipe in here. I've gotten pregnant on two different pills, the nuva ring, and a condom. I did everything right. Took them at the same time, with no adverse meds, with the same breakfast everyday. It's not normal, and maybe isn't what happened here, but it happened to me.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

I appreciate the input here, I really do. I understand people perceiving what I do for her as enabling and over providing. I feel like I have done what I needed to do to protect her emotional state. Maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong. At this point I feel she is stronger. I was feeling a little blindsided yesterday and was looking to find my bearing. I am still looking for it .. but feel I am getting closer. I am grateful to be able to come here and talk about this as I have been sworn to secrecy at the moment and need to talk to somebody! Lol

Yes she is on my insurance but is no longer a student.. do I have to report that to them? She will qualify for the state Medicaid now because she is pregnant. Even thought the birth control is an issue that wont be visited for a few months the thing of it is that you can lead a horse to hormones but you cant make her drink them &#8230; as much as I would have liked to protected her in this area, there is nothing more that I as a separate person could have done.

I appreciate your story slingmama. I am so glad things have worked out so well, it gives me hope. My dd was 16 years old when she delivered her son. She did need a bit more support. I watched my own mother run from her responsibilities her entire life in my opinion because she had too much too soon. I did not want that to happen to my dd. I have tried to give her time to be alone, reflect and just have some space &#8230; a commodity all of us here know is an extreme rarity with a little baby. It was my belief that she needed that to continue to remain sane. It is my hope that the absence of pressure from me to "be responsible" will allow her to do it on her own at the pace that is natural for her (kind of like potty training lol







) I don't want her to run off and get married because she thinks that is her only choice you know?

1littlebit, thank you so much for your support &#8230; I know this whole best friends thing is really messy. I don't even know who knows what yet. I don't even know if she has told the guy&#8230; they spent some time together last night so I have to assume she has talked to him. I still have not had a follow up conversation with her. It's so hard for her to share with me. It's like pulling teeth to get info from her and I don't want to pull teeth.. you know? I have a feeling the pregnant hormones are filling her with endorphins and its clouding her judgment.

I have faith that the universe leads us where we need to be, I just keep trying to take deep breaths and have some faith that this is the path we are all supposed to be on at this time. It just does not fit very well with my plans dammit


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

I have been reading the "rude comments" thread in the "expecting in Jan 2010" section ... now I feel so bad ...
I talked to her today. she is very excited about this baby... even though she is worried and stressed she is ready to have another baby ... I guess its time for me to switch gears .. deep breaths..


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

wow. i know she said she is ready.... but really she is ready as long as you continue to help take care of the babies and financially support all three of them. she needs to start learning to support herself before she is ready for a third. i don't say that to be harsh its just that its easy to get comfortable and take advantage...she probably doesn't even realize.

of course you should be happy and supportive and enjoy your new grandchild though! it is exciting and wonderful either way... sometimes its also frustrating and upsetting at that same time!

i really would have her take full financial responsibility for this baby since she is ready for another one. this is what my parents told me would happen if i get pg again. right now they still help us out a bit financially and they said that if i get pg again it must be because i can afford to do so


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## amynbebes (Aug 28, 2008)

I had 2 by 20. I did live with my parents until the youngest was 6 or so months but I did get out on my own and while I struggled as a single parent for a while, I've done fine


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I have been reading the "rude comments" thread in the "expecting in Jan 2010"

its a little different. i understood that when i got pg and i am sure she does too. you can be happy and excited... while understanding that the situation isn't a great one ya know? i mean unless she got pg intentionally... and then its harder b/c she is happy and wants everyone to be... and you may be more upset then if it had been an accident.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

she does not want to tell her dad yet (because he has a big mouth.. and he does) but it is driving me crazy not being able to talk to him about it...


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
she does not want to tell her dad yet (because he has a big mouth.. and he does) but it is driving me crazy not being able to talk to him about it...









i told my dad and we had to wait until my mom got home from vacation to tell her. boy was she mad! and he told her for me.. while i was driving to their house.

i don't know how she is going to keep that a secret.. or how you are. thats rough. i guess she wants to wait to tell him until she feels comfortable with other people knowing. thats understandable.. depending on when she wants to tell people







will your dh be ok with it that you didn't tell him?


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

he'll be fine.. i mean he'll be miffed, but its his own fault he has such a big mouth... lol


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

haha. my mom is like that too. she emailed the whole family.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

One way you could help your dd become more independant, in charge fo her own life & take some of the financial weight off of you & dh & show her you are supporting her(and believing she can do this) is to take her down & get CS orders in place for her 3.5 yo. If nothing has been paid they could go after back support too. It may not guarantee anything is paid(or right away) but it's a start.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

We had some good talks yesterday... I shared my feelings about too much being expected of me. She shared with me her readiness to take this on and realizes what that will entail (well that is what she says... I can guess it will be more than she imagines.. but whatever). She told her dad. So here we are ...







I guess its time to start getting excited about a new baby!


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

yay! congratulations! and good for her for being excited and being ready to this. IMO that is the best way to start anything







keep the lines of communication open, you shouldn't have to feel stretched to limit or taken for granted. she may be your daughter but shes a mama too.. you can be honest with her. i might set some ground rules for what she can do to ease the financial burden.. as well as take on mothering her new little one! i think having expectations that you decided on together written down and clear as day will really help her have something to aim for.







to both of you


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## bumblebeeskies (Apr 15, 2006)

This is a really tough time (economy-wise) to start trying to make it on your own. I have a friend who is in a similar situation, but the difference being she has four kids. She and her kids are always stuck at whatever house will allow her to stay for a while. She tried to do the responsible thing by getting a job, and social services took away so many of her benefits that it didn't make it worth working. (although she stuck to it, but later got laid off)

I really hate lying, but after seeing so many people in this situation, my best advice would be to write a short note saying you and dh charge dd X amount to live there and that she provides for her own food. By doing this, she can get medicaid for both kids, food stamps, and help with child care so she can go to school. The bonus, would be that social services has really ramped up on child support collection, for anyone that applies for benefits. Hopefully, her two X's work.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Don't forget about WIC--she doesn't need to report your income, only hers.

Also, I don't know if she is interested or not, but CAPA (Childbirth and Parenting Alone) is a Catholic charity that matches birth moms with doulas to provide support and to help them stand on their own two feet. This is a different type of doula than what we normally read about on Mothering. It doesn't matter if she is Catholic or not (and they don't try to convert anyone!). Also, it doesn't matter if she is living at home, on her own, or what--just that she is a "single mom". A friend got help from CAPA and it was such a blessing for her. She just got married last year and CAPA even helped her 5 year old with the transition.

Amy


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

I'm coming in a little late on this.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bumblebeeskies* 
This is a really tough time (economy-wise) to start trying to make it on your own. I have a friend who is in a similar situation, but the difference being she has four kids. She and her kids are always stuck at whatever house will allow her to stay for a while. She tried to do the responsible thing by getting a job, and social services took away so many of her benefits that it didn't make it worth working. (although she stuck to it, but later got laid off)

I can see where someone might hit hard times. But a lot of young people have babies because they aren't old enough to truly understand what it means to take care of a child.







They know mom and dad have done it for them all along and they depend on their parents to keep doing it for their own children. I've seen it so many times in my last 24 years of being an adult.

OT I guess, but I know of a 25 year old on with two kids and divorced. She has been in college for quite some time, focusing on herself, friends and dating and her kids are shuffled between her, her parents, her ex's family and her ex and so on.







It's not good for the children. This girl has no job, lives in a relative's basement and continues to live her life as if she is still 18 with no responsibilities. I just don't think it's right. She already has one degree and could get a job but decided she needed to further her education and whatever happens to her kids happens. She is just enjoying her life. She rarely talks about her kids and most of the time they aren't even with her. She has gotten used to way too many other people handling raising her children while she does as she pleases.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

This mother you speak of sounds very much like my own mother. Her mother died when she was 13, she spent her adolescence with sisters that really were very much busy with their own lives and young families. She married at 17 and had 2 babies within a year with an abusive husband. After leaving him and playing house with my dad for a few years she was out. She spent the next 25 years living out her adolescence.

I would like my dd to have a chance to experience her adolescence albeit a slow and complicated one while she is young and not spend her life chasing it as my mother did. I guess I figure if I can give her the best of both worlds (not saying I can, but it's worth a try) my hope is that she can settle comfortably into parenthood, without resentment.

I see this happening with my brothers x girlfriend as well. She got pregnant young and her mother basically said ok you wanted this responsibility now go have it. Her dd is now 11 and this woman still acts like a teenager, she even leaves her dd with her mom and/or grandparents for the entire summer often times. (not my brothers child)

My intuition tells me that if I keep my hand held out for her to hold on to until she is ready to let go that she will let go when she is ready. She knows I have faith in her.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
lShe knows I have faith in her.

this is the sticking point i think. intentions make all the difference. some people will help b/c they don't think their child can do it on their own. they believe that their child and grandchild need them in order to succeed in life and do not believe their child can now or will ever be able to succeed without their assistance. this is detrimental to both parties and as far as i can tell not remotely close to what your doing.

the other way is offering help and support to ease a bit of the burden off of your child so that they are able to gain some experience, grow up a little, save money, go to school and get a job etc. so that when they leave and do things completely on their own they will not have to find a house, a job, go to school, find a daycare, go into debt etc. supporting them and helping them while they build a life is much healthier IMO. there is nothing wrong with letting them know that you are there to help them until they are ready and able to move out and support themselves, that you fully expec them to do this, and you have complete faith in their ability to do this.


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## FrederickMama (Apr 14, 2004)

I became a grandmother of twins a little more than a year ago. My daughter was just a couple weeks shy of her 19th b-day.
Whether your child is a good parent or so-so parent or bad parent .... it is very stressful and often heart breaking to see them struggle with parenting at a young age.
Having become a mother at 18 myself, I'd have to say being a reponsible parent is possible for a teenager. But for me, the most important thing was to have to do it on my own.


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## MomOnDaEdge (Nov 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bumblebeeskies* 
I really hate lying, but after seeing so many people in this situation, my best advice would be to write a short note saying you and dh charge dd X amount to live there and that she provides for her own food. By doing this, she can get medicaid for both kids, food stamps, and help with child care so she can go to school. The bonus, would be that social services has really ramped up on child support collection, for anyone that applies for benefits. Hopefully, her two X's work.

Not worth the risk to either family. States are cutting a lot of workers; fraud is not one of them. And it's a felony. And since she is under 22, she MUST include her parents and siblings on the FS application. Fed rule. 5 years is the max, 2 in some states, for TANF, use those years wisely. Once they are gone - they are gone. True that C/S collection has become more of a priority but keep in mind that state workers are being forced into furloughs. Bigger caseloads and smaller days. And what is collected is used to "pay back" the state for taking care of the children. Medicaid is the only given for children and preg. woman.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
I would like my dd to have a chance to experience her adolescence albeit a slow and complicated one while she is young and not spend her life chasing it as my mother did. I guess I figure if I can give her the best of both worlds (not saying I can, but it's worth a try) my hope is that she can settle comfortably into parenthood, without resentment.

My intuition tells me that if I keep my hand held out for her to hold on to until she is ready to let go that she will let go when she is ready. She knows I have faith in her.

Please take this with with the gentle intention with which I mean it. Your DD is not an adolescent. She is a young woman with an almost 4 year old child and another on the way. First dates, homecoming and proms are long past. The love for your g-child(ren) reads loud and proud in your posts. It's more that YOU want to keep them close rather than force your DD into being the parent her child(ren) need. And there is not a damn thing wrong in saying that. If you force the issue, she will take the children into an unsuitable enviroment - and who wants that for the LO's? But in giving her the best of both worlds you are actually doing her a diservice. As long as you are holding her hand she has no reason to do it on her own kwim? Have faith that she CAN do it on her own or come to terms with the fact that you can't bear those child(ren) leaving your home. Neither choice is right or wrong. What works for one family won't work for another. But at 20, with 2 children, she is not a teen.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FrederickMama* 
Having become a mother at 18 myself, I'd have to say being a reponsible parent is possible for a teenager. But for me, the most important thing was to have to do it on my own.

That's the route my mother took when I was single and had a babe in arms at 19. She was always there for me but she never ever took on the parental role. He was my child and she the doting g-mother. It was hard and it was scary but we made it (with help now and then) and he's a strong independent man today. It was the right thing for us, but it may not be the right thing for others. The most important thing was I knew I could always "go home" for help if I had no other alternative. Just knowing I had that back up in case everything went south, but my family considered me a capable adult, meant the world to me. When times got tough, and I mean tough, I always asked myself; "Can I make it through this or is it time to go home"? I always found a way but just knowing I had that Plan B made me much more brave.

Love them but don't parent thier children. Standard disclaimer in regards to neglect, abuse and such but, while giving them wings - please also give them feet. Strong, firmly planted feet than can weather the storms of being an adult with the responsibility of another life. Provide the shelter they need if push comes to shove but please, give them feet.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MomOnDaEdge* 
Please take this with with the gentle intention with which I mean it. Your DD is not an adolescent. She is a young woman with an almost 4 year old child and another on the way. First dates, homecoming and proms are long past.

But at 20, with 2 children, she is not a teen.

I agree. It's too late to worry that she didn't get to be young. She has chosen her future by deciding to have sex at such an early age and risking the chances of getting pregnant not only one time but two times while she is young. It's her life and she will grow up and mature and hopefully down the road it won't affect her negatively that she missed out on things but you never know. I had friends in high school that got pregnant very young and it affected some of them negatively.

Like everyone else has said, the most important thing is for your DD to learn to do things for herself and her children.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
Even thought the birth control is an issue that wont be visited for a few months the thing of it is that you can lead a horse to hormones but you cant make her drink them &#8230; as much as I would have liked to protected her in this area, there is nothing more that I as a separate person could have done.

I agree. But there are forms of BC that aren't required to be taken daily.







That might be her best option. I'm just afraid that ten or twenty years down the road she regrets her choice to have children in this manner once she meets the right man that she really wants a family with. That's all.







Maybe she won't but no one knows what turns her life will take in the way future.


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## fwlady (May 11, 2009)

I also started having my family young. I got PG at 18, although I was FT military at the time. Then I married a different man, he abandoned us. So, my parents took me and my toddler in. They required me to either work FT, go to school FT, or PT in both. I worked FT at one point, then did college FT and babysat with my son PT, and then quit school to go to work FT since I was PG again at 20, for my soon to be inlaws benefit. That was a dangerous job, so soon to be DH made me quit. So, we prepared for our sooner than planned wedding, and I went with him.

During the time I worked FT, I paid my sister to babysit. When I went to college, the state paid for my daycare. I had 3 mos of TANF (we called it AFDC), and the babysitting and FS when they yanked them because of my age. They pursued my son's father, but never found him. How can you lose a military man? My DH has adopted my son since though, and he has never known anyone else.

My Dh lived with his parents until we wed. MIL wanted FIL to make the boy give them some rent to live and eat there, but FIL wouldn't. She said she planned to put it into savings, because they didn't need the money. She just wanted him to stop getting himself into debt, and take on some responsibility. He worked for them FT, and another PT job, so I consider that responsibility. But, his dad would bail him out by taking the CC and his paychecks to pay all the debt off.

Anyway, my point is, what if you asked her to start paying some rent and food? If this is hard on your financially, then she should be willing to do this. MC will pursue the fathers, if they can be found. Encourage her to get MC and have them do this. She can use this money for the kids, and the rent she is really paying you. Charge her babysitting. Whatever money you don't need, put in savings for her without telling her this. Ask her to save what she can towards getting out on her own. INSIST that she get her GED. Then, when an emergency happens, or she is looking for furnishings for her new place, you can go shopping with her to get those things with the saved money. My parents did NOT let me live there "for free". No, I didn't pay rent or food, but I did pay babysitting and diapers, baby's food, etc. I didn't get to just run around with my friends. I was required to be going to school or work FT.

As far as DH, we didn't have s#x until we already decided to get married. I think Dh was trying to make it easier on his Dad to accept me, and that he needed to cut the apron strings. I tell ppl on occasion that DH trapped me. LOL And, that is true. My mother was so mad at me. She said that the first time, okay, but this time, I knew better. I told her that soon to be Dh was probably hoping to get me PG so that his Dad couldn't object to the marriage. She said, "Oh, Danny wouldn't do that." We were all family friends, his parents to mine, his siblings to mine, so she thought she knew him. LOL My Dad always blessed our union from before our first date. I got so very lucky in all of it. DH's Dad wanted him to pay child support, because his first marriage was also a shotgun marriage, and it didn't work out. And, his son was all he had from one crappy marriage to the next. He didn't tell DH this until he was 24yo and I was PG, and DH never did the math. I thought it was a little late then.

And, as far as the kid going over the edge. I had been battling an eating disorder since I was 15yo. It lasted nearly 10 yrs. My mother could have been softer, as she always thought I would go over the edge. But, she would still take the tough love approach, because she knew it was the best thing to do. I am sure she cried many nights, when I was at my worst. Only during PG did I have a miraculous recovery with the ED because I was so pro-life. She said the first time that if it was just PG that cured me, she wouldn't have minded a teenage PG. Only kidding though. It was a lot of pressure, and I did struggle all that time with the ED, but I also went to counseling while at home, at Mom's insistance, and I knew it was best. I think that counseling should be required if you think her emotional state is iffy. I did that until marriage. That was the catholic counselor that really encouraged me about the impending marriage. I mentioned my mother said she never wanted us girls to marry the father of the child if the child came first, because it would never work out. The counselor said, "what makes you think it can't work out, really?" That straightened me out to give it a go. I was only having doubts because my mother did, and he left his underwear on the floor in his room at home.







Our first three years were rough, but after that, it did a huge 180 and we are soooo happily married. So, yes, it can work out. But, we were both very dedicated and don't believe in divorce, in most cases.

I hope she does join these boards. I think they are truly a Godsend. Kymberli


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
This mother you speak of sounds very much like my own mother. Her mother died when she was 13, she spent her adolescence with sisters that really were very much busy with their own lives and young families. She married at 17 and had 2 babies within a year with an abusive husband. After leaving him and playing house with my dad for a few years she was out. She spent the next 25 years living out her adolescence.

I would like my dd to have a chance to experience her adolescence albeit a slow and complicated one while she is young and not spend her life chasing it as my mother did. I guess I figure if I can give her the best of both worlds (not saying I can, but it's worth a try) my hope is that she can settle comfortably into parenthood, without resentment.

I see this happening with my brothers x girlfriend as well. She got pregnant young and her mother basically said ok you wanted this responsibility now go have it. Her dd is now 11 and this woman still acts like a teenager, she even leaves her dd with her mom and/or grandparents for the entire summer often times. (not my brothers child)

My intuition tells me that if I keep my hand held out for her to hold on to until she is ready to let go that she will let go when she is ready. She knows I have faith in her.

You sound like such a good mom. It's obvious how much love you have for your daughter, your grandchild and the soon to be 2nd one.. I think you are making really good choices for your family. Good luck with everything, this must be hard.

I did want to say though.. I just don't understand the _need_ for an adolescence (which I guess to most people means a time in your life when your needs are taken care of by your parents, you have enough autonomy to pursue things you enjoy and have unrestricted fun, and you aren't burdened by responsibilities), especially when the person in question is a parent. Most people in the world never experience such a time in life.. I don't even know if I think it's a good thing that some people do.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

I just wanted to thank everybody for their thoughts and stories. I wanted you to know that I am reading them and taking them in even though I have not responded.


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## Pinkalicious (Jun 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cherie2* 
Oh, man .. Ok this is probably not really the place for this, but I don't know where to put it. She is pregnant again&#8230; my dd. She is 20 now. She got pregnant when she was 16 and now her ds is 3 ½ . She is doing well, as a mother, *but is still lagging in many areas and certainly not "taking care of herself" yet*. DH and I support them completely financially and we care for our grandson a lot of the time. I don't mind this arrangement but I don't think she is ready for another child. I was so hoping she would finish school and start doing something to start becoming self sufficient. She needs to know that she can take care of herself and her child; she needs that for her self esteem. She can barley handle her son all day how is she going to be with 2? Sigh &#8230; I am rambling, I am sorry I am just so worried... Now what?


The bolded part of your post is what concerns me the most. If your DD can't take care of herself yet (with a 3 yo child) and if you're doing the majority of the raising and caretaking for your grandson, then your DD really needs to think long and hard about her choice.

What if (God forbid) something happened to you and/or your DH and you couldn't help her out anymore (financially or otherwise)? What would happen to her and the children? How would she manage?

Adoption is a wonderful option. There are people who are financially stable who are ready, willing, and able to love and take care of a child.

I hope your DD thinks her pregnancy through and realizes the difficult road ahead of her. And, I hope that you are able to stop enabling her and help her become an independent woman.

My best wishes to you, regardless of the outcome.


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## Mylie (Mar 15, 2004)




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## papayapetunia (Feb 6, 2006)

You know, I had my first daughter when I was young and single and lived with my parents. They really helped me out, I took advantage as much as I could...some people may have thought my parents enabled me. It didn't take away from the person I was inside - a person who wanted to step up eventually and provide for my family. I put myself through law school as a single mom and am now married and financially ahead. I really think it's a shame when people assume the worst of others. My parents did what felt good for them, and they knew that I was a good person who wanted to do good by my kids and myself. The whole "second time is your fault" thing is totally demoralizing. This is going to be a precious baby, not someone's mistake or wrongdoing. And OP, only you know if action needs to be taken by you with regard to your daughter. If you need to kick her out for you, or require certain things of her for you, then do it. But don't do it to teach her a lesson, because people learn lessons on their own because they're good decent people, not because of what someone else does to them.


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## hhrules (Jun 2, 2009)

Hey, I know just what you need! You need the non-profit that I daydream of starting. But since it doesnt exist, maybe you can create a similar situation.

During the past 3 years I have agreed to watch sweet babies for free while the young mommy got on her feet. It was 2 babies, at two different times, so the baby got one on one attention, and I had plenty of time to really observe and think and research and write. Funny how little tiny babies are so much easier no that mine are practically grown.









So here is the important part. I acted as a mentor to the young mommy. We had daily contact, plus I kept a journal in which I wrote the details of the day PLUS some parenting information appropriate to what the baby was doing.

It was great gobs of fun for me, and the bonus was that the mommies were much more willing to listen to advice from me (a total stranger with no emotional baggage attached) that listening to their families constantly telling them what to do. I helped them plan for future childcare, helped them find whatever programs were needed (WIC and such), talked about the dads and child support and all kinds of stuff.

Surely, surely, surely there is somebody out there who can act as a mentor for your DD! Maybe even online??? A mentor can help her make a plan, figure out the financial stuff, all that. Then you can be mommy and grandma, and offer the emotional support without sounding to her ears as judging and controlling and all that.

But no matter what...this IS her family. She is now creating her family. How awesome is that! Hugs to you.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

you don't happen to live in oregon do you?


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## candiecotton (Jun 6, 2009)

ok shes pregnant the shock is worn off a little . things are not going to change she will have 2 babies . i had 3 when hubby & i got together & they had different fathers ( theyre not "dads" they havent earend that name only dh has )
i had no support what so ever from my family at all i was forced to do it alone. but i turned out ok .

you are a great mom /grandmom for supporting your dd \

what you need to do is sit her down & have her make a plan . if she wasnt working or going to school what has she been doing these past 4 years since her son was born? ( well we know one thing she was doing dont we ( sorry couldnt resist) )
have you let her go out & be a teenager & go out with her friends while you stayed home with the little one . who has been doing most of the parenting ? has it been ou or your dd ?
has she been doing any of the care of the little one or has it been you .

you need to tell her that she has her full support but she is 20 not a teen anymore. she should be doing all the care for the little one , & if she goes out she should make arrangements for a sitter ( because im guessing that she doesnt ask to go out & for you to watch the little one) . \
Is she learning any life skills , can she cook , clean . nows the time to get her ready to be independant. \i would have her check to see if there are any community programs that can help her get on her feet. i know here they do & they help the moms getthe information they need to get their ged get off welfare if theyre on it & become self sufficent.
im not sure about where you live but the GED is a test that you can study for on your own & then go take the test . she can do that . theres always distance education .

i would stsrt by telling her that you love her & will always be there for her & that the best gift she can ever give her childrenis the gift of her education , & try to get her to do something to get that.
also tell her that if shes going to be there with her children she needs to be the mom not the babysitter . tell her that you are going to step back from being the mom & be the grandmom . this means she is going to be responsible for their care . & tell her shes to do everything for them laundry , prepare meals. & their personal care . see what happens.

help her file for child support because who knows the father could be working & not telling her .
she needs to be taught to stand up on her own 2 feet.

i used to work with a prenatal group we had a mom there she was 15. her mom did everything for her if you asked her how she felt her mom answered . then one day the group leadeer said to the mom that we had only a tiny room for this weeks meeting & that we were just having the moms so she couldnt come , she came by herself, & a wonderful girl emerged from that little quiet person who didnt talk much . we did a dream chart that day & she said she wanted to finish school & go into child care . well once her mom found out that the world would not end if she let go a little . the girl finished school ( she took a year off) they had the arrangement that as long as she was in school the gmom took care of the baby but once mom came home she was mom & her mom was the gmom . she did everything herself for the child . the mom finished school with homors & now is the manager of a daycare which is what she wanted. shes now 23 & has another little ne . her mom made her take responsibility & t did good .

so maby its time you sat her down to get her to make her life plan .
im sorry if this sems liike a ramble but once i starts i can write a book


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Well she has been doing most of the parenting. As tempting as it was for me to "take over" I resisted with all my might. Even though she was only 16 I knew that it would take something really important away from her to not be the "mom". I have stayed in a "support" role as much as I can. She makes the decisions and if she wants to go somewhere she asks if I (or dh) will keep an eye on him. And really she doesn't go out that much, she does not act like a teenager, she never really did. She doesn't have like a group of friends that goes and does the mall thing or anything like that. It's just that sometimes she needs time to herself just out with a friend or her boyfriend. She is the one who makes the decisions for and about her son and she does her share of the housework.

At home dgs follows dh around whatever he is doing. He loves grandpa and grandpa loves him so it makes getting his chores done difficult and getting any time alone for him is a challenge too. He doesn't really say anything to dd and then gets resentful over all the care he is giving to dgs. Not that he doesn't enjoy it but it gets to be all day every day sometimes.. I am not really sure what the solution to that is. If dh is not around then it's me he follows.

So anyway I am just saying that she does have life skills and she is most defiantly the mom in the equation &#8230; its more like if she were a stay at home mom and dh and I are the "dad". She has her driving permit now and will have her license soon and I think that is going to add to her independence a great deal. I think part of the problem is her self confidence is low and she does not see how she can get out there and make things happen for herself. Her brother does it and he is only 16. So I am not sure exactly what it is in her that does not think she can do it.


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## clraelle (May 18, 2009)

I wouldn's say she is lagging behind in being self sufficient. She is only 20, a lot of 20 year olds are mounting up student loan debt, maxing out their credit cards and partying all night. I know personally I didnt have everything together at 20.

Maybe a baby on the way might be a great oportunity for her to get things in order. Overwhelming? Yes, but she can do it. Its a great time to delve into her talents and discover possiblities. Many mothers find business oportunities accidently along their journey as they fully embrace being a mother. Moms that love taking pictures of their little cuties end up by starting a photography business. Planning a birthday party can lead to finding they love catering, or some moms curious about cloth diapering to save money end up by designing and selling their own.

Most people in their early 20s still don't know what they want to do with their lives, and often jump from one idea to annother and back and forth. Support her, be there for her. Some people say that they would never want to re-live high school. I would never want to go back to being 20.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *clraelle* 
I wouldn's say she is lagging behind in being self sufficient. She is only 20, a lot of 20 year olds are mounting up student loan debt, maxing out their credit cards and partying all night. I know personally I didnt have everything together at 20.

Yea I guess I don't feel she is really behind for a 20 year old .. I was just hoping she would be taking care of herself and have her life more together and have some independence before she had another baby... that's all...

I was my hope... and when I first posted this thread I was in total freak out "omg she is pregnant" mode ... I have come around and accepted that this is where we are now ... and I hope you are right, that the prospect of being the mother of two will help her get her things in order .. after all she is 20 now &#8230; and not 16


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

so as far as the dads go her sons dad proved to be incredibly irresponsible and has gone to live with his mother 100 miles away. she went there with him to try to make it work but returned a couple months ago. he or his family have not even called since she's been back. this new guy i am not super crazy about either, no job, also quite immature. oh and he was the first guys best friend... nice huh? so yea no support financially.. yet anyway.
I would say she needs to file for child support through your local child support office if she hasn't already.


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## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Congratulations on going to be a grandmother again! I'm sure this baby is going to be a wonderful new family member despite the not so ideal circumstances.

As I'm a young grandmother myself I can appreciate how worried you must feel for your daughter and her future! I hope it will work out so that she gets to finish her education eventually.

Meanwhile I hope she is well and that her "not taking care of herself" only means financially.

I think you seem like a fantastic, loving mother and grandmother, and I'm sure the choices you have made regarding your daughter and her situation have been well-founded.

Good luck and hugs!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *papayapetunia* 
people learn lessons on their own because they're good decent people, not because of what someone else does to them.

I think so too.


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