# Will this loss be your last pregnancy?



## michaelsmama (May 20, 2003)

Dh and i were almost at the point in august of deciding for many reasons that we were done having kids, when surprise! this baby was conceived. That in itself presented many challenges since it truly was an unplanned pregnancy and while i've done well not attributing the loss to my conflicted feelings about conception, it's made it hard to remake our decision.

That said, we've again decided we're done having kids, and he is scheduled for a vasectomy on nov 7.

1. I'm still not 100% sure I'm done with 3, but for many reasons related to the good of our health, marriage, family, etc, it's the decision we've made as a married couple. Selfishly i want more, but for me my marriage and family must weigh into this decision too.

2. I don't like the idea that a m/c of a super-surprise baby is my last pregnancy. I feel like i'm running from pregnancy with relief that I lost this one - and that's not true. The grief I feel is huge. yet as a counselor i know that having a baby to fill my hole, to ease my grief, isn't the right thing to do if we weren't planning on having any more before the m/c. We should be open to life for the sake of being open to life, not as a fix for grief - a new child must be its own self, not a bandaid for me. i also know there are other ways to be open to life, and that mothering is not just about having babies, it's about focusing on my 3 children and helping them grow.

3. i'm afraid i'll confuse grief over the end of childbearing with regret for the decision on the vasectomy. I know sadness is different from regret, and i want to express sadness. i just hate that this has to be so final.

Those are just a few thoughts - i have super bad hand problems though and even typing this much kills me, so i haven't typed *everything* i'm thinking or feeling. this is just a start.








Anyone else in my boat? I'd love to have this discussion with someone else who's had a loss - friends IRL are also contemplating being done, but not after loss.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Our second son was born August 15th. Due to undiagnosed vasa previa and velamentous cord insertion he lost a lot blood before he was delivered and though the NICU did the best they could he died 12 hours later.

I, too, lost a lot of blood and my recovery was slow. I'm just now to the point of thinking that maybe we will try again. We aren't ready to make a decision one way or the other.

Our son was going to complete our family. We were supposed to be done now and enjoying our newborn, watching him get to know his big brother, etc. Our older son is heartbroken along with the rest of us. He was really looking forward to being a brother.

It is a tough decision. I'm older, 37, and had gestational diabetes with this pregnancy. I controlled it with diet and had no problems related to it (except my metabolism was super fast so I had to eat 2200 calories a day - that was hard). I'm not sure how another pregnancy would go. I'm really scared of another loss.

For us, we keep coming back to we want two children and we don't want our son to be an only child. Right now I just want my baby back. I know I'm not ready to start trying again until I grieve more. I don't want another baby to be a replacement - s/he never could be. I want to make sure I'm far enough through my grief for my son to be able to connect with a new baby.

I know I will always be sad. I'm sure I'm rambling now. This is a great thread and I'll keep watching and post more if I think of more.


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## bellee (Feb 26, 2003)

Yes, this will have been our last pg even though we planned it. I feel a little guilty planning a pg, mc'ing then going back on our decision, like I have a second chance at the decision, but I really don't think our family is starving for another baby. I think it was just me and the mr longing for a way to reconnect after our separation last spring







So, bring on the guilt, I'm used to it by now.

We have agreed that if baby fever ever hits us really, really hard, then we can juat as easily adopt. It going along perfect without our philosiphy on life, reusing what you've got etc...


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## michaelsmama (May 20, 2003)

Wow, Mama, i'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad though that it sounds like your NICU was helpful through that day. can I ask, was your son born early? full term? NOt that it makes a difference, i'm just curious.

Do they think the GD had anything to do with his issues, such that it would affect another pg? Recoveries can be tough too - I hemmorhaged too, which it sounds like you did - that makes it tough, too. It's hard to do daily life when you're so worn out physically, let alone emotionally.

I feel you on wanting to give your son a sibling - that's been such a blessing for my kids, and for us to watch that relationship grow. It's hard too to have a # inn your head - though dh's # was always 2 (we have 3), mine was 4. and as scared as i was to have a 4th, and to have 3 and 4 be so close in age, i was soon thinking of myself as a mother of 4. and i know i still am, but no one sees that but me. i see families of four and think - I was a mom of four, too. I wasnt everyone to know that, and it's hard that they don't. esp since my parents' church (we're living with them this month while dh finishes in honduras and comes back to us 11/1 - so i'm single parenting and grieving with out him) has large families. It's hard to end with 3 - even though we're prob a healthier family with 3, we HAD 4. i want my baby back too.









Prayers to you for healing. I'm interested to see what other mamas have to say on this.


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## michaelsmama (May 20, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bellee* 

We have agreed that if baby fever ever hits us really, really hard, then we can juat as easily adopt. It going along perfect without our philosiphy on life, reusing what you've got etc...

Interesting to hear you say that - we may get there too, though i feel bizarre spending so much money to adopt when i could have conceived for free.







But I do know there are more paths to motherhood than pregnancy - even within one family, one mother. I've also considered fostering (or even adopting) high needs kids, or kids with big medical needs - when i worked NICU as a social worker we had several who needed super parents who could be on top of everything. I could be one of those, once these 3 are older.

Gotta run - dd eating plastic crap off the floor.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

yes, probably, and because of this I have been grieving EVEN more. only I had a still birth, then a 6 week m/c *and* I *really* hate leaving on this note but I really should. and I don't know my place in the universe which just makes even sadder. SO tough.


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## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

after 2 m/c's in less than 6 months, we are feeling the universe is telling us that there won't be anymore babes in our world. that realization is hard for me to swallow to be honest. we have 3 gorgeous, healthy kids and wanted one more. however, my age (43) and the fact that we lost these last 2 babies makes that dream very difficult to attain. i don't know how to deal with another loss and dh is scared to go through the emotional turmoil again, financially we are not in the best position to be bringing another into the world (he still had his job when we got pg with the last one), and our girls are very spirited in their own right. so we are leaning towards not having anymore pregnancies in our world. i find that i can't deal with that decision just yet AND deal with our most recent loss. this last one really shook me to my core. so double mourning is just too much to bear right now...but logically, that's the decision we should make. we'll see what nature decides until then though...i hate this to be honest..









i am so sorry for all our losses..


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## mamasgirls (Sep 8, 2004)

I hope it isn't, but I am very nervous to get pg again. We tried 16 months for this pregnancy and I don't know if I can go through that again







We definitely want another baby, though.


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

I still want another one but dh wants to get the Big V. The thought of this last pregnancy being my last and having ended in m/c really makes me want another.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Michaelsmama - thank you for asking.

He was full term and a beautiful 9lbs 14oz. He probably would have been over 10lbs if he hadn't lost so much blood. Our first son was 10lb 11oz at 40w5d so his little brother was right on track. It was amazing how much they favored - built just the same, little solid muscular bodies with no fat rolls.

The info I've found online says that GD could have played a part in the cord insertion, as well as advanced maternal age and a host of other things that don't apply in my situation. But, there are no studies that give any indication at the odds of it happening again.

The worst part is that if our perinatologist had caught it (which she should have) I would have been given a c-section and he'd be alive today.

It was gut wrenching having to tell our son his brother had died. He came into the room with his hands out and a big smile on his face wanting to hold his little brother. Once he saw our faces his hands and face just dropped. He knew something was wrong. He talks about him a lot. We've taken him to a counselor and she said his grieving is healthy. We just let him talk and cry whenever it hits him. I think seeing his friends at school with siblings is hard for him. I know it is for me.

Hugs to us all. This is a hard decision to make.


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## Sweetiemommy (Jul 19, 2005)

To the OP, we were in a kind of similar situation, we didn't know whether or not we wanted a third, we liked the idea of having three kids, but another pregnancy, birth and postpartum seemed really daunting. We got pregnant in June and miscarried at only 5 wks, but we were surprisingly excited to be pregnant and really were loving to each other about the whole thing. Just this month I miscarried again at 6wks and we were more conflicted about this pregnancy, was it the right thing etc. But now that the baby is gone, I feel like I got a wake up call. Something to the tune of "you don't know what you have until it's gone." So yes, I will try again, but not to fill a void, more because those two pregnancies taught me that yes, I do want to be pregnant and have a baby again, before I was doubting it and kind of afraid. So I don't know if that makes sense but I am really looking foward to trying again and knowing that this time I will be certain. As far as future miscarriages, there is a great book "Miscarriage Why it happens and how best to reduce your risks" that I found at the libaray by Henry M Lerner. It really made me feel better about the stats. It basically says that every women should expect a few miscarriages in her reproductive life, but that even for 2 miscarriages in a row, your chances of having a full term pregnancy are just as good (80%) as a person who has never had a miscarriage. Even women who have a biological reason and have had 3 or more still have like a 50% chance of having a baby to term. So I am trying to be very relaxed about the possibility of future miscarriages, even if I have a few more (easy to say now, I know). But I believe that it will work itself out one way or another. Hope this helps. Oh and btw, my midwife advises against a vasectomy during the year following a birth or a loss, because it is often a knee jerk reaction and not always reversible. You might want a little more time to process.


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## Sweetiemommy (Jul 19, 2005)

I also wanted to thank everyone on this board for sharing their stories. I almost feel like I don't belong here because my miscarriages were so early (hence my positive outlook) but I was surprised to see how much I loved those babies in only a few weeks. My heart goes out to everyone here, many hugs and prayers.


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## joeys_mom (Feb 11, 2007)

Wow, I'm in the same kind of situation now. I had a m/c last month at 16 weeks. We were not even 100% sure if we would have another. I hate having to make the decision again. I am 36 and my DH is 44 so we need to make a decision soon. I was really happy about being pregnant and getting used to the idea of having 2 kids (which I am kind of scared of all the work involved!).

I switch between the idea of being happy with only one child and really wanting one more. I really think that if I m/c again that would be it and I'd send my DH to get snipped.









My son is the sweetest most wonderful boy so I really want to do what is best for him too, I'm just not sure what that is.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Hi, and I'm so sorry for hearing about your loss!










Well, we lost Alexis 2 yrs ago. I lost her to uterine rupture. I've had 3 c sections (that I now regret). However, I was very lucky (other than the fact my baby is not with me), I didn't have to have any transfusions, and my uterus was repaired so I didn't have to have a hysterectomy. So we are battling with that decision.

We are in the process of adoption. So everyones like "So I guess yall are done now?" And we aren't sure, either. A few months ago, I decided 3 was enough and after finalization dh would get snipped. But he knows me and told me that I should wait a few years before deciding.

Another pregnancy is high risk for me, I will have to be monitored closely and more than likely have an earlier schedule delivery. And, another cesarean which I'm now deathly afraid of.

So we don't know. Chances are we will continue birth control for atleast another 5 yrs and see how we feel about it. We are still young and have time.

I say just go with your heart, how you both feel about it. I know it isn't an easy decision to make







Goodluck to you


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I really want to have another baby and I feel terrible about it. It's like you said about it being a band-aid. Intellectually I know that nothing will ever replace our son that died, but emotionally a new baby seems like an easy fix. But I am terrified at the same time. I bought OPKs and pregnancy tests today right after I picked up his ashes from the funeral home. I am obviously not thinking clearly. I just can't comprehend this being "it" yet I feel like I am doing everything wrong right now. Who knows what I am doing?


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## Sweetiemommy (Jul 19, 2005)

Is it really a bad thing to have another baby soon? I mean it just seems like the natural thing to do, not that it "replaces" the baby, but that if your heart has the ability to extend the love for the baby to another baby, why is that wrong? I think it is natural to want to embrace the potential of another life. I also know a few people who have remarried soon after a spouse has died and I don't like it when people judge that, I mean if you have love in your heart to give, why not do whatever feels "right?" Whether that is waiting or not?


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## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

i don't think there is anything wrong with trying again right away. it's a personal decision of course, but i do think it's completely natural. i'm pretty positive i'm ovulating right now and have completely had the urge to ttc this round - i just stopped bleeding from my m/c last week. but as much i want to, there is another part of me that is holding back. i'm just terrified...

but i totally support anyone who wants to get pg right away..i think it's a decision that should be honored.

and one of the posters here said they feel like they might not belong here with such early m/c's...i want to say that you not only belong, you are welcome.







it doesn't matter how far along you were, you loved your child and you lost him/her. you have a right to mourn...


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

michaelsmama -

Do you think that you and Dh could talk about it and wait a year to have him get the V? I am just thinking that you may feel one way now and then change your mind after he has it done. Lots of prayers and good thoughts to you. I am sorry for what you have endured.

I am the mama of 3 boys and 4 angels in heaven. I have always wanted at least 4 children. My husband wanted 3 and we have three but once I was pregnant with Avery last year, he was excited about 4. We lost her at 16 weeks and the pain of it is still very real. Noone will ever replace her, she'll always be in my heart. All of my other losses were at 6-7 weeks. We are still TTC.

All the best to you!

Take care,
Jen


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sweetiemommy* 
Is it really a bad thing to have another baby soon? I mean it just seems like the natural thing to do, not that it "replaces" the baby, but that if your heart has the ability to extend the love for the baby to another baby, why is that wrong? I think it is natural to want to embrace the potential of another life. I also know a few people who have remarried soon after a spouse has died and I don't like it when people judge that, I mean if you have love in your heart to give, why not do whatever feels "right?" Whether that is waiting or not?


I don't know. Losing Gavriel has not changed my feelings of wanting another baby. I have wanted a third child for five years. But my feelings of wanting are bordering on unhealthy I think. There's a sense of desperation to it that I have never had before and part of me wonders if I am so desperate right now because I think expecting a new baby will take away some of this pain. I don't know if that's the right reason to TTC. I am also terrified that I couldn't handle another loss. I don't know what's healthier: Waiting or just jumping back in. All I know is that my husband is leaving for a year in January so I feel like some imaginary clock is ticking.


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## ktarsha (Jul 30, 2006)

This is something we're discussing right now. I have a beautiful, healthy 2.5-year-old, and have had three losses in the past 11 months. The first was a blighted ovum; second was a 12-week miscarriage at the ER; third was a 10-week(ish) m/c at home. I was able to save the fetus for testing, and we learned this week that it had Trisomy 13.

Our doctor has recommended genetic counseling, but I don't think our insurance covers it, and now that the risks seem more real, my husband is leaning toward not trying any longer. I am not sure I'm ready to give up just yet. I ache to have one more baby, even though the thought of having a child with a serious disorder scares the heck out of me. I'm impatient to try again - or to suddenly and miraculously find that I'm okay with not trying - as I'm 38 years old and rapidly nearing the age that I had decided was too old (for me, personally) to have another newborn.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I, too, would wait. I think rushing things can be a bad thing when your not in the proper state to make such big decisions.

As for us, dh says he wants to wait until we are debt free, which will still be about a year and a half. I would like to be done having children before I am thirty (July 2010). I long to feel a baby in my arms and don't want this to be it. However, at this moment, I just want my daughter in my arms, not another one.

All that said, I do think losing Mary was the end of us having little ones.


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## txbikegrrl (Jul 20, 2006)

We really want DS to have a sibling close to his age. Ideally, I want them to be about 2 years apart. The LO we just lost would have been born a month before his 2nd birthday. We should have started trying earlier but I didn't want any physical contact for *several* months after delivery. Really this spring/summer around DS's 1st birthday DH and I really started connecting again so I was very happy to get pregnant. Now it seems like a cruel joke.
Some days I think maybe we just weren't met to have another. Yet I don't want DS to be an only child. Also, I'm going to be 40 in February. Maybe we really did wait too long...


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

The baby that I lost in April would have been our 5th child. We hadn't planned that pregnancy but were fine with the idea of having a 5th child. Since losing him, I have gone back and forth about whether I want to have another baby. Some days, I really want to try for another, other days not so much.

I am doing a lot of soul searching right now about whether I really want to raise another child or am I fantasizing about a healthy pregnancy ending in a healthy newborn. I can see myself with a baby, my kids would love a baby in the house. DH does not feel the urge to have another baby. He is happy with our four and sees no need to have another pregnancy (I also think he is terrified of going through another 2nd trimester loss).

I would NOT want him to have a vasectomy though, at all. I feel like it is too permanent and we may decide on having one more baby (although we are older, I am almost 38 and he is almost 41) but it would have to be within the next year or so.

Sometimes I am certain that we are finished with the pregnancy/newborn part, but other days I have a nagging feeling that we should have one more.

This is a great thread. Very interesting.


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## maya's mommy (May 22, 2003)

It will definitely be our last. I found out I was pregnant on Aug. 27. On July 25th my dh had a vasectomy. So the pregnancy was a surprise and not planned. We were excited and nervous about a third. This year has been so crazy for us that my being pregnant and then m/c was just one more thing to add to the unreal feeling of the whole year. And it feels like just beginning to get used to the idea of our family with 3 children that was taken from us and that is making me angry.
My dd2 would be a great big sister so that makes me sad that we are not giving her that. In the past few weeks she has taken to pretending to be a big sister or brother.


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## shibababy (Feb 27, 2003)

I have 2 children that I adopted prior to trying to conceive. My 3 pregnancies/losses were all after the adoptions. I am more than ever determined to have a bio child. I feel like I want to have 11 children now that I know just how much a miracle it is to bring a child into the world. My most recent loss is still very recent and hurts the most since I had come so much further than my prior losses and gave birth to a breathing child that I got to hold and stare at his beauty.

I am playing against the odds, but still so optimistic. It's so hard not to be pg now. I've been pg 3 times since dec.07.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

I don't know. And I'm finally in a place where I feel we don't need to make any decsions about it right now. I was all worried about child spacing and lots of other stuff, but now, after two stillbirths ( 20 weeks and 17 weeks), and an early miscarriage all that other stuff isn't really important. I'm now working on getting me healthy- I'm overweight and I've lost about 24 pounds....20 more to go, and my blood pressure is too high. I'm also working on me being healthier emotionally. I couldn't handle being pregnant right now. I think the stress of it would put me in the hospital for sure. I can't do that to my kids. SO I wait, and work on me and see what the future brings for us.


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## Junegoddess (Apr 17, 2007)

Wow, what a great thread. I feel like I should have been taking notes, to make sure I remember to say all the things I was thinking.

After our first son died, full-term and gorgeous, due to being stuck and having his cord wrapped up over his head (so he had no blood flow at all while being stuck), dh and I were absolutely united in our NEED for another baby. I got pg way too quick and miscarried (blighted ovum, I took it as my body saying "WTF were you thinking?") I got pregnant again 9 months after Hunter was born/died, and I have to say... it was VERY good to be pregnant again for Hunter's first birthday. That first year mark is just so big, and I felt a lot better, feeling like I had hope. Jared doesn't _replace_ Hunter, of course, but he really does take a big chunk of the pain away.

I spent the next couple of years driving myself (and others) crazy, trying to decide if we should have another. Dh was quite happy with just two. My dd and ds don't get along well, and I blame it on the huge age gap (6 years) between them... didn't want that to happen again. When dh came back from Iraq injured, I suddenly got seized with babylust again. He knew I didn't have any kind of birth control (planned to get an IUD before he came home on leave, didn't have any time to do that when he got shot). The first time I ovulated, I told him I was fertile and he agreed we'd just have to suffer and not have sex. The second month... I told him... and he wooed me anyway. I figured he was ok with another pregnancy.

During the next couple of weeks I completely changed my mind. Ds was 2... and very, very 2. We'd been living in a hotel room for the summer, and were finally being officially moved down from Kansas, to live here while Dh recovers. Life was chaos and my kids were constantly at each other's throats and I thought "how on earth can I add another one to this mess?" And then my period was late.

It took me weeks to come to terms with it. Dh was less-than-enthusiastic as well. During the move we all got giardia, and we were sooo sick. Then I just didn't get well... found out I have celiac as well as a host of other food allergies. It was just nuts. Finally, after 20 weeks passed, I realized I was really going to have another baby. I started seeing her in our family, loving her. And then she died.

I had to be induced, and I was scared out of my mind. I was literally convinced I was going to die. No idea why, but I was. Dh was scared outta his mind, too. Still is. As of the last time we sort of talked about it, he's DONE. Initially I felt that way, out of fear. But I need more. I have always wanted four children. 4 living children. I've often 'seen' my children before I've conceived them. And I see two more. I want them so much. But I don't know how to soothe dh's fears when I'm still pretty scared myself. I'm willing to try again, despite the fear. Despite the high-risk pregnancy status.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

My dh is scared, I know he is. After what we have gone through, he sees another pregnancy as another potential loss.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Wow, reading about these mommas with more than 1 late term loss is kind of freaking me out! I think I can handle a misscarriage.. but the thought of losing another full term baby scares the crap out of me! That said, I've always seen myself with 3 -4 kids... (living ones.. I, like all of us here, never pictured our world with dead ones.. so sad) so we will try again.. I don't know if Dresden had been our 3rd child if we would feel the same desire (I really wish I was pregnant again RIGHT NOW! It's only been 6 weeks) to get pregnant right away or even brave those unknown waters again.. I mean, once you know stuff goes wrong.. it's gotta be hard to go through a pregnancy.. and I don't get the luxury of getting past a 'certain' point.. 39 weeks is a point I don't EVER want to see again in another pregnancy.. I love reading this type of thread though.. gives me more things to think about.


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## michaelsmama (May 20, 2003)

Wow thanks all for so many good thoughts. A lot are concerned that we're rusing into this decision - I am too, though not sure we are. When dd (#3) was born last dec, she was only 6 wks old when he said he was "done" with the newborn period and didn't want any more. like many of you the nb period is intense at our house - baby is always being held or sleeping on someone, making chores and dinner and 2 y/o brothers tough to do, even when 2 parents are at home. Dh loves our three, but doesn't feel anything is missing without a fourth. he's been pushing me to make a decision (or to concur with his) since january, 10 months ago. I had just about realized that given our international lifestyle 3 was plenty (and ds2 is pretty spirited too) when poof! we conceived this baby. i was freaked at the beginning but had come around to loving and wanting this when it died. do i feel guilty sometitmes for being freaked? You bet. Do i worry that still wanting a 4th is me trying to deal with these feelings and come to terms w the fact that the loss wasn't my fault? Yes, often. But as he reminds me, *not* making a decision is tantamount to *making* a decision, as evidenced by this last pg. waiting any longer will undoubtedly result in another pg. We're not into the pill and such things b/c of their abortifacient aspect (and the worry that when we were first married we had a chemical abortion due to the pill i was on, which we promptly ditched), and not a fan of other barrier methods either. NFP doesn't work for us b/c of my crazy cycles and double/late ovulation - well it works to make us babies, but not to avoid.

Oh, and he just quit his favorite job ever and will be unemployed as of nov 1, so that adds tons of stress too. we can't live with my parents forever.

Soooo, if we're not open to a 4th, it's a decision that has to be made now. the harm to our marriage of an unplanned pg again, or even another loss, or of having a 4th he's not emotionally able to parent (as a NB) is harmful to us as a married couple. My biggest fear is not being able to distinguish grief at the loss of childbearing from regret over the Big V. That said, he has a consult when he returns to the States (nov 1) on the 4th and is scheduled for v on the 7th. We'll see how we're thinking when we're face to face aggain next weekend, but i think the decision will stand. i'll be crying lots for that two - a double loss, as a pp said.


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