# reasonable expectations of a 2 yr old?



## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

My dd just turned 2. I feel like she is just a wild out of control ball of energy. I have a lot of expereince with children and I can't figure out why mine is so out of control.

By out of control I mean runs, kicks, hits, throws, screams, falls down and refuses to walk etc. All normal toddler behaviors but hers seem to be a lot more freuquent.

here is what happened tonight I could really use some advice on what to do for the next time: DD is in the tub and she startes throwing toys out of the tub. I say "let's keep the toys in the tub b/c I don't want to have to get you out" she then looks at me and pours a giant cup of water all over the floor. "I say no ma'am the water stays in the tub." While I am cleaning it up she does it again. I loose my patience and my temper







she then begins laughing and stomping her feet. I got her out and dried her off.

The thing that gets me is she just does not care when i show sighns of being upset or displeased. She is too little to understnad logic so i feel totally lost...help?


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## AidansMommy1012 (Jan 9, 2006)

My oldest ds is just a couple of months older than your daughter, and as best I can tell, two is a big age for exploring and pushing boundaries. She probably doesn't understand yet that your feelings are real. Two year olds still don't have the empathy thing down yet, and she may not be able to relate the signs you give of being upset to how she feels when she's upset. She probably just sees herself as getting a reaction from you. Toddlers are very, very much the center of their own little universe. It's just a developmental thing. As for the running, etc., it may just be part of her personality. She seems like she's an extremely energetic, high spirited girl. Maybe someday you'll have a natural athlete with a vibrant personality on your hands.
It's such a tough age, and I am right there with you. I think in the end you just have to remember that it's developmental, and it will pass with time.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

My ds sometimes shows very little concern when I am upset or displeased.
But if I tell him how I feel (and how his actions will affect me) in a calm moment, he typically is quite receptive.

Quote:

here is what happened tonight I could really use some advice on what to do for the next time: DD is in the tub and she startes throwing toys out of the tub. I say "let's keep the toys in the tub b/c I don't want to have to get you out" she then looks at me and pours a giant cup of water all over the floor. "I say no ma'am the water stays in the tub." While I am cleaning it up she does it again. I loose my patience and my temper she then begins laughing and stomping her feet. I got her out and dried her off.
I did notice that your first response here is a threat. My ds responds to threats just about the same as your dd responded.
If I would say to ds "oh no! Keep the water in the tub! When you pour it on the floor, it makes a mess that has to be cleaned up, and it makes the floor slippery and unsafe" (he likes to keep things safe) "Here, dump water from this cup into this bowl", it would have a very different effect on ds than if I implied that dumping water again, would mean he'd have to get out.
As far as toy throwing, I wouldn't be concerned with it *unless* it was getting the floor very wet in the process. In that case I'd respond like before "When you throw the toys, the floor gets wet. (insert reason WHY that's not a good thing)." Then I'd probably try to think of an appropriate way to play with the toys, that is acceptable, to give him something he CAN do.

(not that I always respond that calmly. But its my ideal, and when I do, it generally goes very smoothly)


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

DD (25 mths) is exactly the same way. When I compare her to other children her age, she seems so much more active and intense.

I think its too young to expect her to not do something, or stop doing something out of regard for my feelings. I also get the feeling sometimes that she really is trying, but just can't stop herself or control her impulses when I ask her to do something (such as "please sit in your chair" when she tries to perch on her booster seat during dinner).

I find myself getting extremely frustrated when I want her to change her behavior and she doesn't (or can't, at least not for longer than a second). Whether its the right way to handle it or not, I'm not sure, but for my own sanity I try hard to accommodate what she wants to do by making it as safe as possible and saving the absolute "can't do that's" for the behaviors that just can't be done safely. For the bath, I lay down a big beach towel on the floor and let her splash - when we're done, I just hang it back up. It doesn't get washed often cause its the floor towel.

We also have a ton of toys, crafts, and motor activity toys to try and meet her high needs for stimulation and activity. My friends are appalled at the number of things we have for her, but they have much mellower kids, and things get really bad around here when she is restless and bored.

My mantra these days is "the nature of the toddler is chaos the nature of the toddler is chaos the nature of the toddler is chaos" which I mutter to myself while cleaning up the thousandth mess of the day.


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellinghamCrunchie* 
My mantra these days is "the nature of the toddler is chaos the nature of the toddler is chaos the nature of the toddler is chaos" which I mutter to myself while cleaning up the thousandth mess of the day.









: My toddler is almost 18 months. Some things you just have to let go, even if that drives you crazy. I've been told that by "letting" ds make messes and throw fits that I'm being "too easy" on him. I'd rather "give in" then lose my sanity over his incessant screaming. It's like "OKAY FINE I'LL GIVE YOU A FRICKEN CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE NOW PLEASE BE QUIET!" If he decides to throw things off his high chair, so be it. I always remind him that Mama does not like that, but we have hardwood floors that are easy to clean, why do I really care if he throws food? I'm too tired to say no all the time.


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## claras_mom (Apr 25, 2006)

Couple of thoughts.

Sometimes when dd throws toys out of the tub, I just toss them back in as fast as she throws them. It's mostly those lightweight foam letters anyway. She's never really poured water on the floor; sometimes she's played around with pouring water on the side of the tub, which gets water on the floor. I have to admit I just move the bathmat closer and let it go.

Last night, she started pulling all the magnetic letters off of the fridge and flinging them....which didn't thrill me and I found myself getting actively annoyed. But instead of stopping her, I got her attention long enough to tell her that she'd be picking them up. She finished; letters everywhere. So she sits on the floor, looks at me, and says "mama's turn!" Uh...no.









I helped.

You know how when toddlers start to "act up" the first thing is to consider if the child is hungry, tired, etc.? I get more irritated with dd over little, not important things if I'm tired. So I try to be aware of that and call in reinforcements--dh--or just take a deep breath and see where it goes.

She put the letters back on the fridge in amazing swirls.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I think sometimes being a parent is hard on people have previous experience in childcare, because we expect to be really capable and in control with our own kids the way we learned to be with other people's kids. But the thing is, all kids are really different with their parents than they are with their babysitters and teachers. I can handle six two-year olds who belong to someone else with a much more grace than I can one two-year old who belongs to me!







Part of it is comfort level -- our kids know that no matter what they do, we still love and accept them. So they push the limit much further. Lucky us!

With the bathtime problems -- we eventually learned to get the kid's hair and bodies clean ASAP, and then let them play until they started dumping water out. At that point, bathtime is finished. We'd pull them out, ask for help wiping up the spills, and have them dress. We did issue a little reminder about water staying in the tub at the start of the bath, but no belabored disscussions or warnings during the bath. Water goes out, and _"Oopsie -- water is out -- all done now. Help me clean up, please."_


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

My son was hell on wheels when he was 2. I so clearly remember wondering what I was doing wrong .. having days where I wondered if GD was a total failure (even though I knew in my heart it was right).

Hang in there. Know that 2 year olds can be sooo tough, but it will get better. My hellion of a 2-3 year old has transformed into a really wonderful, cooperative 4 year old.

When my son was 2 his speech was delayed, so I still did a lot of redirecting. If he poured water out of the tub, I'd show him a fun activity to pour inside the tub. If he kept pouring water on the floor, I'd get him out (without anger .. just to keep the floor dry!) and we've move onto another activity. I know when my son was 2, he didn't understand my emotions and could have cared less if I was angry or frustrated. That's certainly not the case now, but it comes with time and maturity.

Hang in there, be gentle, and as she gets older, it will get easier. Know that she's a very normal 2 year old, you are not doing anything wrong.


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## SuperMama (Jan 22, 2007)




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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Perfectly normal behavior for a two year old! Little ones that age just don't have much control over their emotions and actions. It's hard, but I've found the best thing to do is stay calm and even. When they're losing control of themselves, they need you to be their anchor. It's so hard sometimes to stay calm yourself, I know! But if you can it will be over much quicker than if you lose your temper! If we lose control it just piles on top of what they're already feeling.

Like mistymama said, redirection is great for kids this age. With the tub example, instead of only telling her no, give her something appropriate to do. She can't throw her toys out of the tub, so show her something that you're okay with instead (like throwing them *in* the tub if you're okay with it). But expect that she's going to be defiant. She's trying to figure out where she fits in and what role she has.

2-3 is a hard age, it really is. 4-5 is a bit better, I think. My 5 year old still has her moments, but overall she's a great kid and I don't have many problems.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SuperMama* 
Just a little note: when my son did have a little slip-and-fall on a wet floor after a bath, I used the opportunity to explain how he slipped because the floor was wet and that's why it so important to try and keep the floor dry. I don't know what impression this had on his 2 yo mind, maybe not much, but since I had the opportunity....

That's great! Even if they're presently too young to understand, it's a great practice to get into! I always explained things to dd1, too, and people thought I was nuts, but it paid off in the end. Maybe she didn't understand at 2, but by the time she WAS able to understand, we were both used to it and she accepted it.


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## cjr (Dec 2, 2003)

Two is the great age of testing boundaries and limits. She was trying to figure out how long she could continue the behavior, and what your reaction would be. The best thing that I have done with my now almost 3yo is to keep my words simple and to the point, and follow through. If he dumps water on the floor I ask him not to do that or I will take him out of the tub and he will have to help clean up the mess. If he does it again, out of the tub he goes and helps me clean up the mess. There are no second warnings. There has to be a simple statement made regarding the behavior and what will happen if it continues, and then there has to be an immediate follow through. There are so many gentle ways to incorporate into this, but without setting expectations and following through, the unwanted behavior will continue. With the continued unwanted behavior comes the frustrated mom.


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## Attached Mama (Dec 4, 2005)

I don't think "gentle discipline" means no consequences IMHO. Our dd is 19 mos and if she is playing with something innappropriately then I will correct, explain, redirect. For example she likes to run her doll stroller into the dog because she thinks it's funny to see him jump out of the way. So we tell her "don't run that into the dog. That's owe and scary to the dog" She does understand these things because she tells me when something is owe or scary to her. I will show her which direction she can push the stroller (and it's not like the dog is in the way - he hides as soon as she gets the thing out) If she persists then I will tell her if she can't play gently with the stroller then it will have to go bye bye. And often that is just what happens -t he stroller ends up disappearing for a short while until she can play gently with it.

So for the tub - I would explain prob put a towel by the tub to catch them and let her know that if she threw them out then they would stay out of the tub. This is what I do because we bathe together and I dont' like having to get up to get them. I would redirect on where she could pour water and make it fun and if she insisted on making a mess on the floor then I would tell her we were not going to play with the toy for now since it was making too much mess.

I think toddlers are so much happier and feel so much more in control of themselves when they know what their boundaries are.

Just my opinion - and maybe it doesn't count since dd is only 19 mos yet


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## mezzaluna (Jun 8, 2004)

my 2 year old has a different temperment, but i really agree with Attached_Mama - it's ok to set limits and boundaries, and this can happen quite naturally without getting upset at your child or punishing.

when ds is doing something i don't want him to do, i start with redirection and modelling something positive he could be doing. then if that's not doing the trick, i consider his physical/emotional state - tired? hungry? overstimulated? needs to go potty? and try to address the root cause. sometimes it takes removing him from the situation, but i don't usually see that as a punishment (i hope he doesn't!) i do it to try to address whatever the root need is.

i'll give my example from today - i was out walking in the snow with him and he did something he often does and i really have trouble with... he walked about as far as he can get from our house, and then had a meltdown and insisted that i carry him home. silly me, being optimistic (he'd eaten, napped, and gone potty all before we went out!) didn't bring a sling or stroller. and being 7 months pregnant and recovering from the stomach bug yesterday, there was no way i could carry him home. at first i tried distracting him with rolling a ball in the direction we were going... no dice... singing a favorite song... nope. i then told him i could carry him "a little bit" which i think he understands, but then he would have to walk... i tried this a couple times, but each time he ran back to where i'd picked him up from as soon as i put him down... argh. i admit i did yell out "stop! stay there!" as he undid my efforts to carry him slightly closer to home. finally i dragged him as best i could














to where there was a cart for people to use to bring in groceries from the parking lot... and i offered him the choice - walk with me, or i pull you in the cart... he refused both, so i put him in the cart. he cried the way home, with several stops for me to hold him and kiss him and tell him i loved him and was trying to get him home, and i wished i could carry him but i couldn't. once inside it was clear his hands were just freezing freezing cold, and i guess he was in so much distress he couldn't see clearly that the fastest way inside would be to cooperate and walk home with me.

we cuddled up under a blanket in front of the heater, him still in all his snow gear, i gave him lots of kisses on his hands at his request. waited for him to ask to take off his jacket, etc. more cuddles, a little nursing, some rocking, and i told him i was sorry i couldn't carry him i knew he really wanted to be carried. he calmed down and we had just a wonderful snuggle together









by the time dh came home he was processing the incident verbally... started talking about "mama can't carry you, too sick, baby tummy getting so big... mama put in cart, james cry"

it was tough for both of us, but once in the situation where i hadn't prepared properly for this potential meltdown, i had to keep to my limits for my health, and do my best to address his underlying needs, while trying to offer some compromises and at least some compassion for his wants even when i had to tell him no. i didn't have to get angry at him... i didn't have to punish him... i just had to get us out of the situation as quickly as possible and back to somewhere where we could work things out. i realized pretty quickly that gentle encouragement, or telling him what i expected of him wasn't getting through to him, so there must be something else going on, and it turned out there was. most of the time, yes, i can expect him to respond to my first efforts to guide him... but i know he can't do this all the time.

sorry my example is so long - i wanted to give you a window into how i think about things with him and handle things when i'm getting frustrated, too!


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## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

Thanks for all the replies. It has given me a lot to think about.


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## nannymom (Jan 23, 2004)

Ok- I have more time to post now.

I guess what I am having a hard time understanding is the diffeerence between a consequence and a threat.

I didn't see saying if "you throw your toys again you have to get out" as a threat I saw it as a warning of an upcoming consequence of throwing. like Attached Mama said I think GD can work with consequences. Wouldn't it be wrong to just take her out with out a warning?

As far as not caring about throwing that's not an option here. For one thing we have downstairs neighbors and it's too loud. For another it was getting the floor wet. Also as i mentioned my dd leans towards violence I don't think I could say don't throw that at me and expect her to understand why it is Ok to throw other times. YKWIM?

I think redirecting is probably the way to go. I need to get better seeing her triggers and acting before things escelate.

Thanks for all the advice mamas.


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