# Having Baby Without Family/Friend Help During or After (Crossposted in I'm Pregnant)



## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

A little background. I'm 22w pg, due at the end of July. I have 3 boys (well, 2 boys and 1 man), a 20yo, a 7yo and a 3yo (who will be 4 when this baby comes). My dh is deployed and most likely will not be able to come home for the birth or any time soon after. I am planning a home birth like I had with ds3. Also as with my birth with ds3, I have asked my mother to be here to help with my younger kids and PP stuff. The problem is that we don't get along very well. She is not what I would considered a support for me. It's usually the opposite. She's very unsupportive and constantly does and says things that make me feel bad. She's not unsupportive of me having a home birth. I'd say she's more neutral. She doesn't seem to care one way or the othere where I have my baby, although with ds3 she was initially opposed to the idea of a home birth.

She's visiting right now so I'm being smacked in the face with how bad she makes me feel. It's got me thinking that I really don't want that kind of energy around me right before, during and after having this baby. I don't have anyone else to come and stay with me, though, or anyone else that I can rely on to help with daily living stuff after having a baby. I'm wondering if I could just do this on my own.

Anyone else have any experience with a similar situation? Anyone decide it's better to be on your own and do all the PP stuff on your own with other kids? Is this a bad idea? Should I just suck it up and deal with my mother's nastiness and negativity so that I can get help with cooking and cleaning and child care while PP recovery? She's not nasty or negative to my kids, just me.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Hi, im a single mother and without my own mother's support, i dont know what i would have done. In general, i am very independent and dont rely on much help with the kids (2 of them) but would definitely want some help in a newly post partum phase.

Is there any chance you could hire a baby nurse? I know, expensive, but perhaps for just a couple of weeks. I personally could not put up with what you are describing. That is the absolute last thing you need at a moment of vulnerability. You need support in your last days of pregnancy birth and post partum, not someone to put you down.

Get her out!


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Could you afford to hire a post-partum doula?


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## sapientia (Apr 22, 2007)

I had no-zero zip-help from my family after all five of the births of my children. It was heartbreaking because I lived not two minutes from her and my father when four of them were born. It was painful, hard, and took me years to get over the fact that she wouldn't help at all. Not even run down the road to pick me up tylenol for a migraine. 

I look back now and I wouldn't have wanted her help, anyway.

I am so sorry. Really what helped me was to relax and not stress about housework, or stuff I 'had to do'. Prepare some easy heat up meals in advance to make mealtimes easier if you are alone. Consider a postpartum doula, as was mentioned. Many hugs.


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## Mulvah (Aug 12, 2008)

I say this because I cannot imagine having to do all of that on my own and with that many young children. So, this would be my suggestion:

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy*
> 
> Could you afford to hire a post-partum doula?












Or, a baby nurse to help you out for a little while?


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I just thought of a PP doula, too. I looked into that when I was pg with ds3 and couldn't afford it. Plus, I've heard the one and only PP doula around (4 years ago, anyway) is not supportive of home birth at all. I'm going to look again and ask around some more.

I do have a next door neighbor that I'm sure I can rely on for little things, like picking up some Tylenol or milk at the store while she's out. She has her own family, though, so can't take care of me and mine all day for weeks. KWIM?

I also just remembered that my dh's friend's girlfriend had offered to cook dinner for us every night while my dh is deployed because we were talking about how I hate to cook. I guess she likes to cook but doesn't like doing it just for herself. (Her BF is deployed, too.) I don't know her well and so didn't really take her up on her offer because I felt weird about it. However, I might just do that now. She offered this without knowing I was pg and going to have a baby while my dh is deployed, too. I don't know what she thinks of home birth, though. Anyway, that's another option for me, I guess.

It is sad because my mother is more than willing to help. It's just that the helps she gives isn't nice. KWIM? It's like everything I do is wrong. I wish I could have my dad. He's much more an emotional support. I don't think he's physically up to taking care of my kids on his own, though. But...if I can get a PP doula and/or some friends to help with some things, maybe I could have him here instead.


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## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

Can your 20 year old help out? Also, how about a younger teenager who could play with your other kids while you and baby nap and maybe load the dish washer, that kind of thing. You've got time to build up a bit of a support network before you're due. Do you know any other young families? I found it so helpful when people took my older child off for a few hours while I was housebound. I would just be very vocal to everyone about your DH being away for the birth and see what offers come your way. good luck


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

My 20yo is not much help, even if he tries. I have learned not to rely on him.

My 7yo's best friend lives right next door so he, and his little bro sometimes, will be able to play over there some. I haven't had much luck finding teens to babysit, watch kids. I've been trying to find a reliable mother's helper for years and it just never panned out. Everyone that I know knows my dh is deployed. Lots of people offer help but don't come through when the time comes. Or, the help they offer isn't the kind that I need.


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## Just1More (Jun 19, 2008)

BTDT

But, my mom is great. I'm sorry you don't have that kind of support.

You need a back up plan. Don't go it alone. Every time I've tried something like that, I get really sick, or something horrid happens and it just wasn't a good idea for me to be on my own totally.

Call the FRO, or the Family Team Building Office. There are home visit nurses available, and other programs they can link you with. I often felt this wasn't a good option for me because I home-birth, and the climate is not real great for that there. But, you might get farther than you think.

Also, do you have a midwife? They might know of some good options for you.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Yes, I have a midwife. I plan to talk to her about all of this at my next appointment.

I don't know about contacting the FRO. Since this deployment is an IA, we're not really attached to a unit. I don't know anyone involved since they all come from different places. So far, they've only had one meet and greet type of thing and I couldn't make it. I guess I could just get some general info about nurse home visits. I had one when I had ds2 in Hawaii but that was coordinated through the army hospital in lieu of having to take him in for a pediatric visit. She didn't offer any help with cooking and cleaning and such. Just weighed and measured baby and sort of checked to make sure my home was safe. I only saw her once and was not offered another visit.

As far as I know, all the parenting stuff is baby boot camp and free respite child care, neither of which I'm interested in.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

Are you at all interested in joining a religious community? If I were going to be having another baby while DH was away for some reason and no family around I would be walking right into my church's office and yelling "HELP!" And help would come!

Without a doubt I am sure I would have a small army of women cooking us meals, people volunteering to take my older child for play dates, and ladies willing to come over and baby snuggle so I could take a shower or a nap (and probably do some laundry while they are there).

So if you are at all open, I would look into a local religious community for help.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Thanks but a religious group is not something I'm interested in since I'm atheist. Not my thing, ya know? I appreciate the suggestion, though.


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## kawa kamuri (Apr 19, 2006)

I did it alone with baby #4. My DP was gone less than 2w after baby #5 and I spent most of her infancy caring for the kids solo. It's totally doable, IMO.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kawa kamuri*
> 
> I did it alone with baby #4. My DP was gone less than 2w after baby #5 and I spent most of her infancy caring for the kids solo. It's totally doable, IMO.


How did you do it?


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## kawa kamuri (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MarineWife*
> How did you do it?


I rested as much as I could. I took naps, if possible. When the older kids went to bed the baby and I got in bed also. I wore the baby a lot. I didn't stress overmuch about house cleaning. I allowed myself to be lazy when it came to cooking. I took it step by step and day by day.

With my last baby I didn't have a car, had to take pub trans every where at 2w pp until she was 10mo. All sorts of weather. I had to carry two huge bags of heavy groceries, the babe in the Beco, keeping an eye on the other kids so that they didn't walk into traffic or somesuch many days a week. It was hard! I didn't have anyone who could or was willing to help me. I found out I was much more resilient, head strong and resourceful than I ever knew.


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## MrsBone (Apr 20, 2004)

Yes, could you afford to hire someone? Or do you have a friend that you could trade help with? Like, she could help you post partum and you could help her out with her kids when you are all adjusted? Do you have a church family? Would you consider going to church to have a support system? I know at least at my church, people love to help other people


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## MrsBone (Apr 20, 2004)

sorry, I didn't read all the posts and see that you are not religious.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

kawa kamuri ~ That sounds hard. Honestly, I have a hard enough time doing things with just the 2 LOs. There is a lot that I just skip because I don't want to hassle with it. I do have my own car, though. There'd be no way to get around in this town without one.

I'm not much of a house cleaner as it is so that's not an issue for me. I'm also not much of a cooker. My dh does the cooking. My 2 LOs are so demanding, though. It seems one of them is constantly asking me to get or do something. I'm working on getting my older one to do more for himself and his little bro. He's even been practicing changing diapers so he can change the baby.







We all sleep whenever we can. We don't have any schedules we need to keep.

I think I'm most concerned about those first couple of days when I may not want to get up and do much of anything. I was up on my feet a lot sooner after my home birth than my 2 hospital births so maybe that wouldn't be much of an issue. I need to get an in loco parentis anyway since my dh is gone and anything could happen to me. For that, I would name my next door neighbor and then my mom when she could get here.


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## cateerob (May 23, 2005)

I think if you are not stressed by cleaning/cooking will be fine...stock up the freezer/fridge..let the younger boys know there will be a few weeks after the baby is born that you will need to be taking it easy...get some new toys that they can play with without your help and put them away until you need a break..dont know if you do tv.. but tv and dvds will entertain the younger ones while you nap on the sofa.The 20 year old should be able to watch his brothers for you..but even if he cant he cant at least to the shopping and fix a meal...


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Yeah, my 20yo does do the grocery shopping when I ask him. I don't know about fixing a meal. He usually makes such a mess that it's ridiculous. How he manages to splatter stuff on the ceiling I will never understand.









I've been thinking about making casserole type meals ahead of time for the freezer and stocking up on paper plates and plastic eating utensils. I can deal with that for a couple of weeks.


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## hjdmom24 (Mar 1, 2008)

Just wanted to encourage you that it is do-able even if not ideal. With my 4th baby his father took off within hours of being home from the hospital and only came around like once a week and my mother was already to sick to be much help. I had to go back to babysitting within a week for money (it was only one kid though) and had no real friends to help me out. I survived. I used the TV much more then I liked and the housecleaning and cooking standards were let go. It helped to be breastfeeding and cosleeping for sure. It was not easy by any means but it wasn't hell either. I do feel stronger and capable because of it. With the baby that is coming I won't have any help at all, my mom has passed, my sister moved 3 hours away and the babies father moved out of the country..and I babysit 3 kids now instead of 1. I am very nervous but I know that I can do it.

On another note you may want to tell your mother how you feel. Tell her I would rather not have any help from you if you can't keep your comments to yourself. I basically walked out on my mom at Easter after my first son had been born when she made her millionth "you should have thought about that before you had a baby" comment to me. That made her realize how much it upset me and she did alot of biting her tounge after that..I knew what she was thinking she didn't have to say it and we got along fine


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## kawa kamuri (Apr 19, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *hjdmom24*
> 
> Just wanted to encourage you that it is do-able even if not ideal. With my 4th baby his father took off within hours of being home from the hospital and only came around like once a week and my mother was already to sick to be much help. I had to go back to babysitting within a week for money (it was only one kid though) and had no real friends to help me out. I survived. I used the TV much more then I liked and the housecleaning and cooking standards were let go. It helped to be breastfeeding and cosleeping for sure. It was not easy by any means but it wasn't hell either. I do feel stronger and capable because of it. With the baby that is coming I won't have any help at all, my mom has passed, my sister moved 3 hours away and the babies father moved out of the country..and I babysit 3 kids now instead of 1. I am very nervous but I know that I can do it.
> 
> On another note you may want to tell your mother how you feel. Tell her I would rather not have any help from you if you can't keep your comments to yourself. I basically walked out on my mom at Easter after my first son had been born when she made her millionth "you should have thought about that before you had a baby" comment to me. That made her realize how much it upset me and she did alot of biting her tounge after that..I knew what she was thinking she didn't have to say it and we got along fine


Good on you, mama! You can do it!

I actually had to exclude my mom from the birth of baby #4 because of how much negativity she brought to my life. Since then she's at least been silent about our differences









I was thinking about you this morning, OP. For me staying on top of being a mom to many - especially in high need times like my own illness or needing to recover PP - requires some forethought which you're obviously doing. I don't know you or your kids of course but when mine were the ages of your now youngest two they were able to self entertain for a bit, watch a TV show and certainly be more self sufficient than a newborn. It's sometimes a process to get little ones to be more independent especially when facing an impending birth. My toddler has had to do a lot of growing up over the course of my current pregnancy because I knew I couldn't cope with how things were going and a newborn. My #1 thing is getting kids interested and in a routine of picking up after themselves. I'd be a wreck otherwise. I still remind even my 12yo to pick up his things but it's something all my kids expect and don't give me grief about.

These days I do have a present DP but due to his work five days a week he's around for only a couple of hours so that's going to leave me all summer long with a house full of restless kids, a newborn and doing it solo most of the time (for the record I KNOW KNOW KNOW it's not the same and it peeves me to no end when partnered mamas of any sort compare themselves to single mamas). I don't have any one else to help so during that first tender bit I plan to get through it by being as lazy as possible - sitting on the couch, putting a baby gate up in my girls doorway, laying in my 4yos bed and snoozing while they play, cooking easy meals, watching cartoons, giving myself permission to get in bed with baby early, putting him in a carrier when I need to get things done and go places, laying on a blanket while they play at the park. Like PP said, it's not easy but it's not hell.


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## Lucy Alden (Jun 15, 2009)

I'm not a single mama, but my last two were 15 months apart, I was homeschooling my oldest and my DH was working full time and taking evening classes. The first week was brutal. So here's my two cents:

1. Freeze as many meals as you can. (I spent two weeks cooking double batches of soups, chilis, sauces, etc. and then froze them in gallon zip lock bags. I had almost 30 meals when I was done.) It kept us from starving.

2. Paper plates and plasticware.

3. Loads of easy snack foods you and your LOs can grab in a pinch. (Power bars, granola, nuts, fruit leather, etc.)

4. Way more TV for my LOs than I was comfortable with, but man it totally helped out.

5. Disposable diapers.

6. I super baby proofed our main living area since I knew the 15 mo would be into everything and I would't have the energy to run after him.

7. The house went to pot, whatever.

8. I had my groceries delivered.

9. I had pizza delivered when I was too exhausted to even heat a meal I had already made.

I love the idea of a few new toys for your two boys. And can you have the 20 year old do laundry and/or load the dishwasher? Also, since the neighbor has a boy that is friends with yours can you see if she'll watch your two for a couple of hours the first few days after you give birth? Good luck mama, you can totally do it.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *hjdmom24*
> 
> On another note you may want to tell your mother how you feel. Tell her I would rather not have any help from you if you can't keep your comments to yourself. I basically walked out on my mom at Easter after my first son had been born when she made her millionth "you should have thought about that before you had a baby" comment to me. That made her realize how much it upset me and she did alot of biting her tounge after that..I knew what she was thinking she didn't have to say it and we got along fine


Oh, believe me, I've done that many times over. I have kicked her out of my house before when she was visiting. I have not allowed her to see my kids. She behaves just long enough for me to think there might be a chance and as soon as I let her back in she goes back to her normal stuff. When we're not in contact for an extended period I tend to forget how bad she really is. That's why this current visit has got me feeling this way.


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

After my daughter was born, my mother-in-law came to "help". Her help wasn't very helpful at all. She acted like it was awful that I'd had my baby in my bedroom with dirty dishes in the sink and that I had just left the iodine mess all over the bathroom- that she commented on that still hurts my feelings. Also she was rude/unfriendly to my midwife and my neighbors. And she made me so unhappy and uncomfortable that I thanked her for her "help" and sent her home 3 days early.

I would rather have lived with the dirty dishes and dirty bathroom than deal with her while my baby was newborn and I was still recovering.

If you don't have people in your life who will help you -lovingly- for free then you will have to pay someone. If you have a rough recovery- say, a 2nd degree tear, distended bladder, or hemorrhoids- you may not be able to do much at all. You can get by with paper plates, ignoring mess, letting laundry pile up, and microwave food to some extent. A baby nurse or post-partum doula would be way outside my budget. But home health care workers only expect minimum wage. You could hire a housekeeper or "care giver" for $10 an hour, they could run errands as well as housework.

My midwives had a policy, that you must have someone with you for the first 24 hours after the birth. If there was no-one who could stay with you, they would find some one.

I have to say, I do not understand what is going on with your 20 year old son. This is the adult in your life who is the only person you have that you can count on. Does he live with you? How is it that he does not know how to prepare meals? And why is there any doubt that he would support and help you, in whatever ways you need, just as you have nurtured and cared for him all his life? I think that a son, who is a man, is obligated to help his mother and should be expected to in your situation. I suggest you try talking to him and telling him that you are going to be depending on him.


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

I don't know your financial situation, but we paid for the plane ticket to have my best frined come here for the birth of dd2. I wasn't totally alone like you, my dh was here. But we had just moved to a new country, Î had no support outside of dh, who was working. We had no one we trusted with dd1 if for some reason I need to go to hospital. So that or a post partum doula is my suggestion if your budget allows. FWIW, having my friend here made the whole experience so wonderful for me and she really enjoyed getting to be present at a birth (she has no kids nor wants any). We have been friends for 10 years and have stayed that way even though we have spent several of thsoe years on different continents. Worth every penny and would do the same for future births (she was also visiting during the birth od my dd1 coincidentally, although not at the hospital when she was born).


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Thanks, everyone. I haven't been able to find any PP doulas in my area yet. My next door neighbor/friend will be here (she usually goes to Spain for the summer but not this year) so I will have her for support or emergencies. She's the local person I will name on my in loco parentis to take my kids if something were to happen to me.


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## LadybugMamma (Apr 26, 2011)

You've gotten lots of great advice. I would just add, ask for help. Ask the neighbor friend if she has a friend to introduce you to. See if there is a moms club in your area. Meet other moms, they could imagine how hard it will be and would probably love to help. With playdates, laundry service, dishes duty, whatever. As much as I think tv does too much babysitting, returning is fine in moderation, allow the kids to each pick 1 movie a day, stream Netflix or have the 20yr old take them to redbox.

Check to see if there are any student doulas, they might work for free or rested price because they need the experience.

Ditto paper plates, also stock up on some foil pans (freeze casseroles in them)

Wash all the clothes together in cold (jut don't give kids access to fancy clothes. Buy a few new packages of socks and underwear so at Lear they'll be clean. don't bother folding clothes, just toss tshirts in the tshirt drawer and underwear in the underwear drawer. Kids don't need bathes every day, or even every other day.

If there is a local college with an early childhood education program, ask instructors if they can recommend a student to hire part time. In the summer she can take your boys to the park or do projects with them. You can ask that she help them learn to clean up.

Hiring a "doula" is more expensive than hiring a "babysitter" for the pp time.

Good luck setting up a support system. And dot be afraid to ask. People know it means you want to be the best mom you can be. Not lazy.


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## mbhf (Jan 8, 2005)

.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I'm very much the type of person who doesn't like others in my space much. I recently went on a trip with my dad, whom I have a very good relationship. After several days with him I couldn't wait to be back home by myself (just me and the kids) again. I think he must be the same way because we haven't spoken in the 2 weeks we've been back.









The thing my mom would be good for is doing everything so that I can stay in bed for however many days that I need to. I just heard from my dh that he most likely will not be able to come home. He has asked and been told the powers that be will do what they can but not to count on it.


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## SierraBella (Mar 2, 2011)

I wouldn't have your mother around if she makes you feel miserable.. especially during the birth. Here is what i would do:

Hire a doula for the birth and post partum

Stock up on easy to eat meals and make freezer meals

Look in my local "Finding your tribe" area and try to make some friends

Go to local LLL meetings and try to make some friends

A PP mentioned finding a religious community.. I don't have a religion but I would consider the UU church.

Good Luck.. my DH is a marine. He's not deployed but is leaving for a month for annual training in one week


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

could you send your older kiddos to your mothers? I would definitely look into having *someone* around. I've had two very different births-- one when I walked off the deliver table, and was capable of doing everything within days, and another that took me 4 months to go through a day without pain; you just don't know what you are going to get.


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## BubbleMa (Sep 24, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *averlee*
> 
> After my daughter was born, my mother-in-law came to "help". Her help wasn't very helpful at all. She acted like it was awful that I'd had my baby in my bedroom with dirty dishes in the sink and that I had just left the iodine mess all over the bathroom- that she commented on that still hurts my feelings. Also she was rude/unfriendly to my midwife and my neighbors. And she made me so unhappy and uncomfortable that I thanked her for her "help" and sent her home 3 days early.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. Your son is old enough to be a huge help. You've got some time to "train" him. He's going to have to learn to care for himself/a family at some point so why not now?

I didn't see anyone mention Operation Special Delivery. They provide Doula services for women who's husbands will be deployed at the time of birth. Definitely worth checking into.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *BubbleMa*
> 
> I agree with this. Your son is old enough to be a huge help. You've got some time to "train" him. He's going to have to learn to care for himself/a family at some point so why not now?
> 
> I didn't see anyone mention Operation Special Delivery. They provide Doula services for women who's husbands will be deployed at the time of birth. Definitely worth checking into.


I really don't want to get into a big discussion about my oldest ds. He is the way he is right now. I did not have him so he could take care of me. I don't expect him to do that. If he helps, that's great but I'm not going to try to force that responsibility on him. And, I don't know why it's assumed that he will _have_ to ever have a family to take care of. He may and, if he does, I'm sure he'll figure things out. That will be his choice. However, I don't believe there is any law that says he has to and, again, that does not mean that he is required to take care of me or his younger siblings. That's just not how I view my relationship with children.

I think I addressed the doula thing but maybe that wasn't in this thread. I don't need labor/birth support for me. What I would need is someone to care for my younger children while I'm in labor if they need it and to help care for them and my home afterward. Birth doulas don't do that. PP doulas do light housework and help with the new baby but there aren't any around here that I can afford and none that I know of through OSD.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Honestly, it's absolutely your right to not give more info on what's up with your oldest ds, but I'm at a loss of what else to suggest to you since I agree with many of the PPs about what your limited options seem to be, and you don't seem interested/able/willing to check them out.

You've already said that your son "is the way he is right now" so I assume that means he's just not in a position to help you at all, and obviously you're the only one here who knows his abilities, so that's that. But I didn't hear anyone suggesting that your son's job is to take care of you forever or to permanently be a support in your family - the suggestions/questions about him were around why he's not able to help you through this specific, time-limited transition where you are at a loss for other help. Again, I take your word for it that he's just not able to, end of story. But your response makes it sound like people were suggesting a much bigger, indefinite role for him than I think they were suggesting.

And the last advice about Operation Special Delivery - seems like you dismissed them without even considering that given that they specialize in women who's partners will be deployed during the birth, maybe they also have post-partum doulas and not just birth doulas? Or did you already check them out and they definitely don't do pp doulas and aren't willing to work with you on something to meet your needs?

I hope you find some support, somewhere, and you may have to soften/open your ideas about what's possible a little in order to see the support that may be around you. Sometimes in times of stress, we're so wound up we miss some supports that are right there but not obvious at first.

Whatever happens, I really hope for you a good rest of your pregnancy, safe and healthy delivery, and the help you need to support your family while you're adjusting to your new baby.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MarineWife*
> 
> I really don't want to get into a big discussion about my oldest ds. He is the way he is right now. I did not have him so he could take care of me. I don't expect him to do that. If he helps, that's great but I'm not going to try to force that responsibility on him. And, I don't know why it's assumed that he will _have_ to ever have a family to take care of. He may and, if he does, I'm sure he'll figure things out. That will be his choice. However, I don't believe there is any law that says he has to and, again, that does not mean that he is required to take care of me or his younger siblings. That's just not how I view my relationship with children.


There's a big difference, though, between expecting a child to take care of you and asking an adult family member to temporarily help out during difficult time. That's what families do! When I'm sick, I might ask my 6-year-old DS to get me a glass of water or something -- that doesn't mean that I had him so he could take care of me, it just means that we're a family and part of what we do is pitch in when someone else is unable to. You're clearly not going to ask your son for help, so I'm not trying to change your mind, I just thought it was odd to think of pitching in for a short period as having him "so he could take care of" you.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Someone had previously suggested that I enlist my adult ds' help and I addressed that. Lecturing me about how his behavior is unacceptable and how he should be and that I should do something to make him do what I need after that isn't really helpful. I ignored the first post about that, which was quite judgmental and insulting, imo. I tried to ignore the 2nd post that quoted the first and used it to further lecture me about how things should be, but I just couldn't. I understand that you are trying to help but it's not helpful to rehash something that's already been addressed. If I could rely on my ds to help me, none of this would be an issue and I never would have felt the need to post my question. As the situation is right now, I can't rely on him for the type of help that I need. Regardless of what anyone else thinks things should be, they are the way they are. I cannot force him (or anyone else for that matter) to do something that he isn't capable of or willing to do.

Yes, there is a big difference between expecting someone to take care of you and asking for help. But asking for help is just that, a request. It does not require the other person to help, whether they are family or not. It's not the suggestion of asking my ds that bothers me. It's the lectures about how he should help me. Since no one knows his or my circumstances or situation or why he may or may not be able to provide the kind of help that I need, I don't see how anyone can think they have the right to pass judgment on either of us. There is also a difference between an adult family member and an adult child. I don't want to be condescending but if you don't have an adult child or at least an older teenager, you can't really know what that relationship is like from the parent perspective in the same way that someone without children cannot know what it's like to have children. It's kind of like my childless stepsister telling me how I should give birth and raise or discipline my children. She has no clue.

My question was, is it possible to do all of this on your own, without any help? It was not, where else can I find help? I do appreciate the suggestions of a PP doula and babysitter and such. I have been looking into that but haven't found anyone yet. At this point I feel like I don't have any other option other than having my mother here. I'll just have to suck it up and try to keep myself from being bothered by her.


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## Lucy Alden (Jun 15, 2009)

Would it be possible to have your mother there but put her up in a hotel? That way she would be there during the day but you would have your own space at night. Someone else suggested having your youngest two stay with her for a couple of days. I'm assuming you wouldn't be comfortable with that but if she were at a nearby hotel she might be able to take them to the hotel to swim or watch a movie for a couple of hours.

In regard to the PP doula, since you can't seem to find one, could you temporarily hire someone to take some of the burden off? I'm thinking a weekly housekeeper for the first month or so. Grocery delivery, if it's available in your area. A teenager who could watch the boys for a couple of hours. In my area there are a couple of drop off daycares that charge by the hour. They're great for SAHMs who have a Dr. appt or need to run a few errands without kids in tow.

And in regards to your oldest DS, whether he helps or not is between the two of you, not posters on a website. Negative posts like that are in no way helpful in a situation like this. *hugs*


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Actually, I don't mind my younger boys staying with my mom but I really want them here. My 7yo is very into this pregnancy and baby and really wants to be here. I don't think it's financially feasible for her to stay in a hotel for 2 weeks. No grocery delivery available here, unfortunately. I've got hiring a cleaning service in the back of my mind. I'm definitely going to hire someone to do a really thorough spring cleaning before this baby comes. Then I'll look into having a service on a regular basis, although it won't be weekly because I know I can't afford that.

I have had the hardest time finding a reliable teenager to provide babysitting. I think part of the problem is being in a military town. First, families come and go a lot, so if I do find someone, they usually aren't here very long. Second, most military families are young and have young children. There aren't very many with older teens who can babysit. The last babysitter I thought I'd found ended up pregnant and just had her own baby a little over a month ago. Oh well. I'm always keeping my eyes and ears open, though.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Have you tried www.doulamatch.net ?


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *phathui5*
> 
> Have you tried www.doulamatch.net ?


I had not. I just tried it and got 0.


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

MarineWife, I apologize. I am sorry for judging or insulting you or your family.

I feel bad for your situation and I hope something works out.


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## frugalmum (Nov 5, 2009)

I am in a somewhat similar situation. Husband is not military but he is not at home (including nights) more than half the year. He may well not be here when I go into labor. I also have a mom who is, to put it gently, a less than positive presence when she is around. However I am a strong believer in resting-- doing nothing but lying in bed-- for at least 3 days post partum, even if you feel great. Your body really, really will need that rest even if you feel wonderful and want to jump back up and get on with mommy duties. So I would just take your mom's negativity on the chin and see her as an extra pair of hands to get you through the first week PP, then perhaps try to do it, very gently and gradually, on your own.


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