# would you allow pot-smoking grandparents to care for your child?



## indigosky (Sep 4, 2007)

Would you feel comfortable having your child stay for a few days with a pair of grandparents who smoke pot daily? 

They are longtime pot-smokers who seem to have "kicked it up a notch" in terms of frequency now that they're retired. 

The child is 7 and stayed alone with these grandparents for a few days last summer. The assumption has been that this will become an annual visit. All three seem to have enjoyed it.

Concerns on our minds include:
- They choose not to make much effort to "hide" the fact that they smoke. It comes up in conversation (with relatives at Thanksgiving), there is sometimes paraphernalia around, and they've smoked with their daughter (my much-younger half-sister) since she was a teen. We can, of course, discuss our expectations about how it should be handled when our daughter is with them, but there is the issue of their habits and judgment.
- The 7 year old is oblivious, but at what point will she become aware of what's going on, and how will we handle that?

We're not against pot -- plenty of people we know smoke and it's not inherently a big deal. But the combination of factors here definitely has us thinking...


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## caspian's mama (Mar 15, 2004)

i'd feel a whole lot more comfortable about my son spending time with my mother (and i might even want to spend time with her myself) if she used cannabis.


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

I wouldn't leave my dad alone with mine for more than a few hours. It makes him a little oblivious sometimes of what's appropriate to say and what details he should be mindful of. By about age 9 I was aware of and uncomfortable with his habit myself.


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## 3xMama (Oct 14, 2010)

Honestly, I probably wouldn't have a huge problem with it. In some ways, I'd be happier if my mother smoked pot regularly instead of ingesting a bottle of wine daily and letting her temper fly. I would probably ask that they try to hide it a little better just because kids are curious by nature and no one wants a 7 yr old to come across a pipe and start playing with it or to accidentally consume any. I'd come at it as a safety issue. Say something like "I'm sure you are taking care of the situation, but let me have my mommy freak out moment and double check." That way it takes the pressure off of them (you aren't accusing and you acknowledge that they probably are taking care of things)and it allows you to state your concerns. As for discussing it at a family dinner, well, that's just one of those things we can't control. Best thing to do is just talk to your kid about it if your child has any questions. Otherwise, I'd imagine it mostly goes over their head at that age.


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## 3lilchunklins (Feb 22, 2012)

Id be ok with it in general, but it cannot be done *in front of* the children, and all paraphernalia must be put away at all times.
My MIL smokes. And we let our kids spend the night with her, but she's *very* discreet about it. My kids haven't a clue....


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## caspian's mama (Mar 15, 2004)

a seven year old most likely can't use a lighter so i don't think s/he'll accidentally smoke any. and it would be harmless if the kid, say, ate some. but i think most seven year olds know not to eat random things they see lying around. touching paraphernalia will not hurt them in any other way. children are rightfully curious. 

do you have a basic problem with marijuana use by adults? if so, maybe you should do some research to learn why so many people have appreciated its benefits for millennia. if not, there's no reason you can't explain it in simple terms to your child. at seven, s/he's very likely seen someone drink alcohol so compare it to that (but don't call it the same because clearly one is far more dangerous and damaging). the same goes for cigarettes. 

if these people love your kid and are decent people, there's no reason to show the child (through words or by your own discomfort) that there's an issue with how adults choose to medicate or relax in their own home.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

I think my concern would be if they were driving anywhere. If they're just hanging out at home, maybe not as big a deal.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

I wouldn't be comfortable with it because in the event that they needed to drive somewhere in an emergency I wouldn't want a person under the influence driving my child anywhere.


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## caspian's mama (Mar 15, 2004)

driving after consuming marijuana isn't at all comparable to being under the influence of alcohol. studies show that cannabis may actually improve driving for some people. personally, it helps me be less tense and more responsive to my surroundings. i'm guessing that, as regular smokers, these grandparents have no issues behind the wheel. my only concern would be their age posing a problem but, again, cannabis users have decreased rates of alzheimers.


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## 3xMama (Oct 14, 2010)

TCMoulton said:


> I wouldn't be comfortable with it because in the event that they needed to drive somewhere in an emergency I wouldn't want a person under the influence driving my child anywhere.


I hadn't really thought about this, but it is a good point. I would talk w/ them about it just to be clear on what would happen in that situation. Frankly, its something that could happen to anyone, pot use or not. Grandparents have some wine after the kid go to bed, kid falls out of bed and needs stitches, now what? Its not a likely scenario but it does happen.


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## LTurtle (Aug 7, 2012)

My dad smokes pot regularly, though not every day, and always has. A couple times when DD was little he forgot to put his weed/pipe away before we came over and I kind of went off on him about it. Now he always puts it away, he never smokes in the house or in front of the kids. So yeah, I do leave my kids with him overnight because I trust him to use drugs (pot, alcohol, painkillers, whatever) responsibly and not be impaired while he's "on duty". If I didn't know that I could trust him not to expose my kids to pot or become impaired while caring for them, either we'd talk it over or I wouldn't leave the kids with him.

Do you trust these grandparents not to expose your child to pot/smoking or to become impaired while caring for her?


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## Letitia (Aug 27, 2009)

I think there are two issues. Safety, and what you think about breaking the law. 

In terms of safety, I don't have immediate family members who smoke, but I feel the same way about it that LTurtle has written. As long as I trust that someone would keep themselves in good enough working-order to deal with an emergency, I would be OK with it. I wouldn't want my kids to see someone smoking constantly, just like I worry about them being around step-grandpa who drinks constantly (and I mean constantly). I want their closest models to be of moderation.

The law part is so much more complicated. I am hoping to raise my kids to understand that "the law" in this country is not etched in stone, and that even if there is a law we still have to consider right and wrong for ourselves. We have to work to change laws we believe are unjust or unwise. If we're going to break them, we have to be aware of the repercussions and we shouldn't be doing it for our betterment at someone else's expense. My 7 year old could follow and participate in a discussion about the ethics of pot, but my 6 year old, barring a complete shift in how he thinks, will not be able to do that next year. So I guess some of this depends on how you view the law, and how you would talk to your kid about that part.


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## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

Is their behavior legal or illegal? If it was illegal it would be totally unacceptable to me. I am not willing to pick up my child from Cps when an impaired gp has an accident or needs to respond to an emergency. They may not be at fault or unable to respond but I guarantee the child would be placed in protective care. 

I wouldn't want my child staying with an adult who was an addict of any type. If they can't take a break to spend time with their grandchild then I don't think they are responsible enough to be her care provider.


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## Shweetface (Nov 21, 2014)

My opinion might not be super popular among pot lovers but the way I remember it from being a kid I hated being around adults who were stoned (even if mildly). I always wished they would leave me out of it.

I would compare it to being around a parent (in this case a grandparent) who is taking little sips from a special mug throughout the day, and their attitude and mood being substantially different than what a kid really wants. I remember my parents being distant, giggly, and not quite there. While getting high or drunk once in a while is something adults deserve sometimes, doing it around kids, especially throughout the day, daily, seems unnecessary to me.

To be blunt, if you can't put the pipe or the bottle down when you are around kids, you kind of have a problem. While I know many people self-medicate and prefer "the natural" way, what is sad is that pot is still illegal in most places and that can be so scary to a kid. Your parents can try to tell you that it's not so bad, but I remember being scared of the police coming to my house and taking my parents away.


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

If they smoke in the house (so there's residual pot smell) and/or if there was a chance they'd smoke around the child- no. Marijuana is still a drug and however safe it may be on adult brains, that doesn't mean it's safe on the developing mind.

For me, this isn't a pot thing. I'd feel the same way about cigarettes (I'd feel _stronger_ about cigarettes).



JudiAU said:


> Is their behavior legal or illegal? If it was illegal it would be totally unacceptable to me. I am not willing to pick up my child from Cps when an impaired gp has an accident or needs to respond to an emergency. They may not be at fault or unable to respond but I guarantee the child would be placed in protective care.


Even if it's legal in the state, pot is in a VERY grey area and people are facing CPS cases over _legal_ pot use.

There's a difference between it being legal for an _adult_ to use and it being legal to expose a _child_ to it. It's perfectly legal for me to take an adult dosage of OTC medicine, but giving that same dosage to a toddler would be very dangerous and if it led to a hospitalization, I'd certainly hope that could result in legal action.

Residual pot smell counts as exposing a child to it (second/third-hand smoke counts for pot, too). Having any out where a child could potentially reach it counts as well. There are also some social workers/police who are the "act first, ask questions later" type so even if you can prove that your children were 100% safe- you still have to deal with the trauma of them being taken into custody and having to fight to get them back. In all likelihood, there probably wouldn't be a problem, but all it'd take is some nosy anti-pot neighbor figuring out which authority to get in touch with.


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## luckiest (Apr 29, 2009)

Like most others have said, I would be sure to lay down guidelines. The fact that they smoke recreationally wouldn't be a problem for me at all, but they would have to agree to stay stone sober (no pun intended) the whole time they were in charge. That would go for alcohol, pot, sleep meds, etc - anything that could potentially interfere with their ability to drive or respond to an emergency. 

Anecdotally, I was staying at a friends house when I was about 8 or 9. Her grandpa lived with them and was home with us while her parents were out. He thought he was "off duty" for the night since we were pretty self sufficient and parents would be home soon, so he took a sleeping pill along with a drink. Then he got a call that her sister was stranded at gymnastics and both parents were stuck working late. Or maybe one parent was out of town and the other was working late? Either way, he made the awful judgement call to try to take us and pick up the sister before his sleeping pill kicked in, since it wasn't far. He was nodding off and drifted onto the shoulder a few times, thankfully we didn't actually crash. We had to watch him and yell if his eyes started to close. It was pretty terrifying. 

I wouldn't even okay it after kids were asleep...kids get sick in the middle of the night, things happen. And it really just shouldn't be a big deal to not smoke or drink for a short period of time, and if it is, that's a different conversation. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Disclaimer - I don't feel any judgment about what choices others make a pot. I'm just encouraging the OP to decide what she wants, and then expect her parents to follow that when they are with her child.



sillysapling said:


> Even if it's legal in the state, pot is in a VERY grey area and people are facing CPS cases over _legal_ pot use.


Driving impaired with a child in the car can result in the child being removed by CPS in my state. If your parents were driving a tiny bit high, and for some reason came to the attention of the authorities (a minor wreck that is the other drivers' fault, going a tiny bit over the speed limit) and the cops smell pot and therefore check, it could go very bad *in my state*.

I would lay down the law (whatever that is for you) and then never repeat the visit if they are unwilling/unable to follow the rules. If you don't want them smoking around your kid, let them know that and let them know they are making a choice. If pot is important to them than spending time with your child, then that is their choice. You aren't keeping them from what they value most.

As far as once kids are in bed, having a glass of wine or smoking pot, there are always TAXIs. I don't understand why people don't use this option more often. Yes, depending on where you live, it cost a fortune, but if to are only using it for an unforeseen situation, then you will seldom use it. I don't smoke pot, but there were times I had a drink or two once my children had finally gone to sleep. That doesn't make me a bad parent or irresponsible.


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## alpenglow (Oct 29, 2007)

I wouldn't be comfortable. Legal or not, it is a still a mind altering substance. Maybe some people aren't affected as much as others....but without doing actual objective standardized testing, you have no way of really knowing how it affects the grandparents' judgement or reaction time. I'd stick to accompanying said child on visits.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Linda on the move said:


> As far as once kids are in bed, having a glass of wine or smoking pot, there are always TAXIs. I don't understand why people don't use this option more often. Yes, depending on where you live, it cost a fortune, but if to are only using it for an unforeseen situation, then you will seldom use it. I don't smoke pot, but there were times I had a drink or two once my children had finally gone to sleep. That doesn't make me a bad parent or irresponsible.


Just wanted to mention, in many (most?) rural areas, such as my state, there is no such thing as a taxi service and certainly not late at night.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

lauren said:


> Just wanted to mention, in many (most?) rural areas, such as my state, there is no such thing as a taxi service and certainly not late at night.


Good point.

I live in a suburban area and people here seem to forget that taxis are an option.


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## KSLaura (Jan 22, 2007)

It IS legal here in Colorado. Driving under the influence is illegal regardless of the substance (alcohol, pot, other illegal substances). Occasional usage is probably ok. I know my kids have inhaled second-hand MJ smoke in public more than once (though smoking in public is supposedly illegal here, too). I suppose CPS is different in different areas, but here, there aren't enough foster homes to take in kids of meth users, let alone law-abiding citizens.


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## KSLaura (Jan 22, 2007)

Oh, again...not sure what state this is in, but CO sells a TON of MJ edibles. There's been a big problem with kids ingesting candy/cookies containing it. As long as they are responsible and don't keep any enticing, drug containing treats around, it should be ok.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

KSLaura said:


> I suppose CPS is different in different areas, but here, there aren't enough foster homes to take in kids of meth users, let alone law-abiding citizens.


its driving under the influence that gets kids removed here, whether the substance is legal or not.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

alpenglow said:


> I wouldn't be comfortable. Legal or not, it is a still a mind altering substance. Maybe some people aren't affected as much as others....but without doing actual objective standardized testing, you have no way of really knowing how it affects the grandparents' judgement or reaction time. I'd stick to accompanying said child on visits.


This is how I feel, too.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

For a few days without me there? No, i wouldn't be comfortable. I find people who are perpetually stoned really annoying. I think its fine if you do it for fun every so often, but 3x a day? The first thing that comes to mind is the smell, and then the mood swings. I wouldnt want to subject my child to that. I might consider a visit with me there, but i might request they smoke less.

Are the grandparents any different to what i described above? Maybe they are...but i still dont see how they can get rid of the smell...


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Smoking 3x a day and "perpetually stoned" can be two completely different things. I have had plenty of smokers around in my life, between ex-boyfriend and husband I've been living with one for 25 years.

Is it legal in OP's state? That would make a difference as to whether I would want the habit to be hidden or not. Pipes are disgusting and stinky and I wouldn't worry about those being tempting, nor would I worry about a child's safety any more than I would leaving a wineglass out in the open (I'd avoid it but....)

As far as emergencies, if it's a real emergency *call 911*. If it's not, call mom and dad and let's get home and get them to a doctor. It's not like my girls' grandparents could sign any consent to treat form, and if it's an emergency where the doctors would just treat, then *hello* why was an ambulance not called???

It all hinges on how much pot they are consuming, total. But again, smoking frequently and "perpetually stoned" can be two completely different things.

ETA: If I were leaving out of town, grandparents and other family would need to have some ability to sign for their treatment. The discussion of driving ability (in general) is always a subject, for sure. I'm not sure I'd have my girls' grandmother drive them anywhere, and she hasn't smoked a day in her life whereas my husband smokes daily and I trust him absolutely.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

IN many states, children's access to drug paraphernalia can constitute removal of children, even if adults aren't using, regardless of whether it is stinky or not.


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

Which is why I said I would avoid it. A child's true safety is a different issue from a call to CPS. Without disregarding the latter, I am far more concerned with the former. 

The question was "would I" and the answer would be "yes, most likely, after getting a few things straight" and my kids seeing and having access to something like this is a minor consideration.

Could it be that it is a cultural thing? While I don't smoke, I am not close to many people who *don't* smoke pot, those with or without kids. So for me to get too worried about it seems a bit of stretch.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

SweetSilver said:


> Smoking 3x a day and "perpetually stoned" can be two completely different things. I have
> 
> Yes, it depends on the person. Still whether or not you define smoking 3x a day as an addiction or not, is another subject. I would define it as such. People can be addicted to coffee, or any number of other things, but some addictions alter the mind more than others.
> 
> ...


Good point , you know your husband. And how he responds on a daily basis to his marij use.

.........


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## Collier (Sep 7, 2015)

"if these people love your kid and are decent people, there's no reason to show the child (through words or by your own discomfort) that there's an issue with how adults choose to medicate or relax in their own home."


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## elliha (Jul 20, 2014)

I would not be OK with it, I would not be OK with someone using say alcohol every day either even if it did not affect their behavior. Driving would be something that I would not allow at all unless the person had been free of smoking for at least 2-3 days before my child got there and that person was reliable in not smoking while the kid was there. I would say no smoking while the kid is there and all the drugs and drug related objects are to be kept somewhere that the child cannot reach (highest shelf in a cupboard or preferably locked in somewhere and the key kept out of reach). I don't think a 7 year old would do too many dangerous things even if s/he found the things but I would just not be comfortable with them having easy reach of such things.


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## ToriJoysSmiles (Oct 9, 2015)

I don't have any problem MORALLY with people smoking pot. But I do think that people who are caring for children should avoid using substances while the children are around. If this were my child I would allow them to care for the child under these conditions: They do not smoke pot (or allow anyone else to smoke pot) while the child is in their care; and they lock up the pot and pot-smoking equipment in a place where the child will not have access to it. As the parent, you have every right to set these conditions. I would think your parents would respect your wishes and put away the bong until their grandchild goes home.


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