# Why won't anyone TALK about it?!?



## Megan_in_Holland (Jan 11, 2007)

I feel like a leper! My family fell all over themselves getting in touch with me when I was pregnant, but since the miscarriage.... nothing. I know they all know that we lost the pregnancy, but I haven't received a single e-mail, phone call, card, or even a simple acknowledgement of my loss from ANY of my family other than my mom and dad. My in-laws have been amazingly supportive, letting me talk and sharing their own thoughts and experiences with me-- honestly, I don't know what I would have done without my MIL-- but it's like my own family are pretending it never happened.

I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it really stings. Especially since I just got a really nice card from DH's best friend's mom. I barely know her, but she's already expressed more warmth and sympathy than all my family put together. I can understand my two best friends in the US not knowing what to say-- they're both single and not really into kids, so they don't "get" it-- but several of my family members have had miscarriages themselves, so they KNOW what I'm going through. And still nothing.

I tried taking the initiative and calling them myself, and I was told by one person that they hadn't said anything because they didn't want to "set me off". What am I, a bomb waiting to explode? Did they think ignoring the subject would make it go away?

Sorry for venting like this, but I'm just so hurt and angry and I needed to get it out. This pregnancy was a big damn deal for me, and I'm tired of feeling like I can't talk about it. I have nothing to feel ashamed of!


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## netgyks (Aug 5, 2007)

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, maybe they'll come around soon...

until then,


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## TinyFrog (Jan 24, 2006)

I am so sorry your family is being so disconnected. That is great that your ILs and MIL friend have been there for you. I am glad you have someone there. I know that is not the same as having your own family there to support you though. I don't have an idea why they are being so quiet. I hope they come around soon and realize you are not a bomb waiting to explode and you just want some support.


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## netgyks (Aug 5, 2007)

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, maybe they'll come around soon...

until then,


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## FiddleMama (Feb 27, 2007)

I remember feeling this way too with my two losses. I'm so sorry.

I wish that I had said something at the time to my family members about how it felt that they weren't talking about it. If that feels like the right thing for you to do, you might try that. I regret now that I suffered in silence.

It will get better, I promise.

Take good care,
Tara


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## mommyof3andcountin (Mar 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megan_in_Holland* 
I tried taking the initiative and calling them myself, and I was told by one person that they hadn't said anything because they didn't want to "set me off". What am I, a bomb waiting to explode? Did they think ignoring the subject would make it go away?


In a sense, I kind of was a "bomb" of emotions. My miscarriages didn't hit me right away, it was a couple of days into the bleeding that I realized my feelings and cried it all out. It hurts to miscarry a very much wanted baby, and sometimes even our loved ones don't want to deal with our emotions. Which does hurt even more, I think.

It's good that you have some support, take advantage of it and spill yourself to them. You will become closer because of it, and in time you will be able to forgive those that didn't know how to comfort you and avoided you because of it.


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## FiddleMama (Feb 27, 2007)

Quote:

I tried taking the initiative and calling them myself, and I was told by one person that they hadn't said anything because they didn't want to "set me off". What am I, a bomb waiting to explode? Did they think ignoring the subject would make it go away?
Sadly, many people do believe this. We fear expression of emotion in our culture. Again, I am so sorry.


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## munkeesmama (May 17, 2005)

I know it hurts, but your family is probably afraid of saying the wrong thing or just don't know what to say...Sometimes letting them know that it's OK to talk about it, and that it hurts that nobody is talking about it, will allow the floodgates to open. Hugs mama.


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## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

two things:

my mom had a full term stillbirth and she said that the ONLY person who ever even mentioned it to her was her aunt that had also lost a baby. it was like the rest of the her family just pretended it never happened.









i think that people are uncomfortable dealing with grief in general so we avoid anyone who is grieving.

my best friend had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and i was moderately supportive but i wasn't able to fully acknowledge her loss until i became pregnant myself.

i'm sorry that you're dealing with this


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

i want to tell you that i acknowledge your loss. and your writing about it helps me and heals me.
i too am sitting here in silence. my sister wrote me a very brief, pat response and has not even called to offer to help in any way. some of my friends have not wrote or said one thing.
losing a baby needs to come out of the darkness. it is very strange to me, in our educated, self-help society that we are still in the dark ages about miscarriage.
i'm sorry your family is being so distant.
i know that now that i have experienced this, i will never do the silent treatment to anyone i know who goes through this.
i send you love and


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

I am so sorry you have to go through this. It does seem our society is very awkward when it comes to death, loss and grief.








Like someone suggested, you can tell them you do wish to talk about your feelings. When we sent out our birth/death announcement, we stated that we do not wish to forget, that we wanted our baby's name said and to please not avoid mentioning the sad event. Sometimes people need a signal to know if it is ok to talk about it.
I hope you feel better soon, take care.


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss.








I found that after my loss, comfort and support came from some places I didn't expect it to, and didn't come from some places I assumed it would have come from. I remember saying to my husband one day "Your mother does know the baby's dead, right?" I was so confused by her silence; I really expected her to come by and help with the other children, bring us a meal, or at least send a card or flowers. On the flip side, my boss from a job I'd left 6 months before kept showing up at my house with food, flowers for my garden, and a lovely handmade card.
It's awful to be grieving your child and then to feel wounded, confused, and hurt by the reactions of people you thought would hold you up when you desperately needed support. I am glad that at least one person in your life has reached out with her love and sympathy.
If you can find a support group of other parents who have suffered a loss, I encourage you to go. It was so validating for me to see other parents feeling the depth of sadness and loneliness that I was feeling.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also sorry your family is making it harder for you.


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## tireesix (Apr 27, 2006)

Dear Megan,

My Dad has experienced the same thing. My brother died when he was 19, before the death he was in contact with loads of people but after my brother died and the funeral passed, friend he had known for years just vanished, they didn't know what to say and rather than deal with my Dads emotions and their own they just totally shut him out.

It would seem that from conception unttil a particular age, death is a taboo subject that people are scared to approach. Once someone has reached an age where they have lived a long life, death is expected and ok, but until then, a lot of people just don't know how to deal with it.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, I don't know whether you have any family members that you are particularly close with so that maybe you could share your feelings about the miscarriage and then the feelings about your families reaction so that maybe, they can pass it on and people will know that this something that you would like them to acknowledge (although it shouldn't have to be done this way).

Hugs to you..........


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## ChristaN (Feb 14, 2003)

Yours is a timely post for me. My sil just lost a second baby at 4+ months. The thing is, our parents have told us _not_ to call and to give them space. We, of course, want to acknowledge their loss, but we also don't want to intrude if they want some time alone. We sent a flowering plant and a card the last time and will likely send something soon this time as well, but I've been hesitant to call or reach out beyond that b/c of what I've been advised by my parents.

Is it possible that your parents have told your family members to give you space to grieve?


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I think in our culture a lot of people don't know what to say or how to deal with emotion or feelings especially when it comes to loss, not that I am at all excusing their behaviour, but maybe trying to explain why they may be acting that way. We are here for you.


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry for you loss and what you're dealing with from your family. I experienced this with my loss as well. It was hard enough processing my grief & emotions but then trying to understand how certain family & friends couldn't acknowledge our loss just baffled me. It does get better. Be gentle with yourself and try not to hold it against them. I have realized that some people just don't "get it", others "never will" and there are the special ones that have or haven't walked this path that just know and offer support, regardless. Like a pp mentioned, I found my support in places I never thought I would. The women in this forum helped me to deal with my grief and healing, as I realized my feelings were normal. I wasn't alone but I hadn't met many irl that could relate.

I'm so sorry for your loss....it's real, you're mourning the loss of your dreams, hopes and future as well as your lo.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Megan,

I am going through the same thing. No one has really acknowledged our loss. We have not got a single card. When we told people they showed sympathy, but after that nothing. The only one that asks or talks about it is one of my BFs. I am so angry that no one cares.








We are here.


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## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

when my friend lost a baby, i didn't say anything to her (except the initial "i'm so sorry about your loss."). i was trying to give her space and time to think, and she was so upset about losing the baby, i didn't want to upset her further by bringing it up. i wanted to talk about it, but i didn't think people who had lost babies _would want_ it brought back up. then one day she brought it up, and we talked about her sweet baby. maybe they're thinking like i did.

btw, words cannot express how sorry i am to hear that you lost your lo. it must be so hard.


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## gerlassie (May 26, 2007)

I didn't read the other posts but, I just wanted to send hugs. Sometimes people don't know what to say or what is appropriate to do or say so, they just don't say anything and may even avoid situations or contact. I know how lonely a time like this can be. We had an early loss and I didn't tell anyone...especially my mom because I didn't want to feel crowded or have people feel sorry for me and ask me silly questions like 'how are you doing'. My husband and I needed time to absorb and focus on what had happened and how we were going to heal without involving everyone else. I hope in time as you heal emotionally and physically that you will be able understand that your family may have been doing the best they could or knew how to and were not being intentionally insensitative to your feelings. Hopefully.

gerlassie


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## gentleearthmama (Jan 2, 2008)

I have felt like you are feeling now. After my 2nd miscarraige (at 13 weeks, I had already begun to show a little) I felt like nobody really cared, except my dearest friend who helped my through the whole ordeal. I was hoping that SOMEONE would at least call and tell me they loved me and it was going to be okay, and WTF! shouldn't my house be full of flowers and cards! After I was crying to my husband about how nobody seemed to care and where were the flowers I so desparately needed, I took a nap. While I was sleeping, he and my 4 1/2 year old son rode to the flower shop and I awoke to a trail of rose petals leading me to a huge beautiful boquet on the kitchen table. (Might I add, the phone calls and cards from friends and relatives came 2 weeks later, after people thought I was "ready" to receive them)
Sometimes people don't know what to say or do, or don't understand, so they don't do or say anything. It sure sucks, but sometimes if you ask, you receive. Those flowers really helped! Even though I had to cry about it to get them, I really needed that fresh reminder of how beautiful life is. So I'm sending you some flowery vibrations your way!
GEM


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am very sorry that your family is not being more supportive. We had a similar experience. We lost our daughter at 16 weeks. Only my BIL even offered any condolences. My Mom still will not talk about it to this day.

My Mom Mom would talk about it but not to me. I just wish she would have told me how she felt at the time.

Please take care and post her as much as you can. The women here are an amazing support.

Please take care!

Jen


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

One thing I've learned through my two losses this past year ( 20 weeks and 17 weeks) was that they seemed to distance the people closest to me, and bring strangers closer to me. Acquatiances reached out to me while my closest friends kept their distance.

I've asked why and the answers I've gotten is that the people close to you are also in pain and can't imagine the pain you are going through and then don't want to "bother" you or make you feel worse. But that's why we have to talk about our babies ourselves and let people KNOW that it's okay, please aknowledge what has happened, and our baby.

Hugs to you....I've found a lot of support and love on these boards. I know you will too.


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## Bella Catalina (Aug 19, 2006)

Megan I am so sorry. We are dealing with the same thing. A couple of people have said the initial "I'm so sorry" but no one has brought it up again. I feel the need to let people know that it is okay to not say anything, to not know what to say. There are no words to make it better, but I don't want our loss to be brushed under the rug or to be a big elephant in the room, either.

It is so true what a PP said - our western culture is so afraid of displays of emotion. People just do not know how to deal with grief anymore, how to support someone who is hurting.


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## Megan_in_Holland (Jan 11, 2007)

Wow, thank you all so much for your kind words of support and for helping me to step back and look at the situation from another perspective. It really helps to think that my relatives are probably just unsure of what to say, or afraid of causing me more pain, and not uncaring. I know they love me, so of course they think it's awful this happened-- no one wishes this kind of thing on their loved ones. I sure wish they would tell me that to my face instead of just thinking it silently, but on the other hand, I can imagine that they find it hard to bring the topic up themselves.

I did ask my dad if everyone actually even knew about the miscarriage, and he confirmed that he and my mom had told everyone. So at least there's no more doubt about that. He seemed genuinely suprised to hear that no one had gotten in touch with me. I asked if he would make sure people know that we would love to hear from them and that they don't have to hold back for fear of "reminding" us of the pain (as if we could forget that easily!).

One nice thing: yesterday evening, I got an e-mail from my cousin's seven-year-old daughter. She's a sweet, funny, perceptive kid, and we e-mail back and forth occasionally. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail saying how sorry she was that I had had a "miss carrege" and that she wished she could "make it that it nevar hapend". It was so sweet, and really brought a smile to my face. Somebody cares!

Anyway, at the risk of sounding really sappy, I just want to say that I'm so grateful to have a place like MDC to come to, where I can truly express my feelings and where I know that people understand what we're going through. Hugs to everyone who has made me feel welcome and validated, I hope that we all find the strength to heal, and to always honor the babes we lost.


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

*"One nice thing: yesterday evening, I got an e-mail from my cousin's seven-year-old daughter. She's a sweet, funny, perceptive kid, and we e-mail back and forth occasionally. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail saying how sorry she was that I had had a "miss carrege" and that she wished she could "make it that it nevar hapend". It was so sweet, and really brought a smile to my face. Somebody cares!"*

well that just made my morning!







she is such an angel. she couldn't have said it better. simple and so loving.







i wish i could give her a hug!


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## momtolauren (Apr 1, 2007)

I also think that it is generational. When I m/c last October my parents were watching our daughter while we went to see the OB/GYN for the first time. I was 11 1/2 weeks. To our surprise there was no heartbeat. We had to tell them when we picked up our daughter and my dad initially thought I was kidding. My mom's response was well "better now than later, and why did it happen", as if I had done something to cause it.
The only discussion after that day was about why and when was I going in to "have it taken care of". They didn't understand my need to naturally miscarry without a d&c. It took 2+ weeks for me to miscarry, and I ended up in the hospital for an emergent d&c.
There has been no further mention of it since then.
I think some people don't view it as an actual and deep loss.
I understand your anger and frustration. My really only true outlet was this forum. It offered me a place to really and honestly express how I was feeling.
Blessings are with you!


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

My comfort has come from unexpected sources, my DH's co-worker talked to my sister and my Mom's coworker sent a lovely email. Both have suffered losses, but I think there are a couple of reasons that stillbirth and miscarriage are hushed in this society.

Death of any kind is hard, people don't know what to say.

In my Grandmother's generation it was never discussed. Doctors asked her what she did wrong and I think for many older women it remains a painful secret filled with guilt that they simply cannot go there and their silence has led others (men and younger generations) to believe that it is too upsetting to discuss. I know many people are told not to bring it up.

Lastly, unless you go through it, you don't understand the pain and fear associated with it. Many don't realize that we didn't just lose a pregnancy, we lost a part of our heart that had invested in the being and the life we wished for him or her. Stillbirth is scary and many people's worst fears. Something that is not supposed to happen anymore, so when it does it throws everything many people believe in off kilter.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

I care about you and the loss of your child.
I think this is one of those situations where you learn who your friends are.
My best friend passed away suddenly in August 2007 and DH and myself talk to my friend's husband every day. After Irene's death friends of theirs said they would visit and call. They never did. For other people life goes on. Meanwhile the pain of those closely affected goes on and on.
I booked off "crazy" from work tomorrow. Tomorrow was supposed to be my first day back after the m/c. I had a rough day today. My emotions are right at the surface and everything is setting me off. I broke down at parent teacher today when I went for DD9. Then we went to Costco where I lost it again because I saw a pregnancy journal in the book section.
Our pain is real but unfortunately most people don't understand. For now surround yourself with those that do because they are "safe". Later when you are feeling up to it talk to them and explain how you needed them and how it hurt your feelings to not have them to support you during this time.
There are always people here like myself to talk to...and we understand.

xoxox


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so so sorry for your loss.

I feel like I could have written your post. We have received a few cards, mostly people we barely know, and 1 from our local library (it's a very small town and I am in there frequently







) but none at all from a family member. No cards, calls, emails, nothing. I feel your pain. Reading through the posts, I understand, but everybody is different and you will never really know why these people are not reaching out to you until it comes out one way or another. I wish you peace with them and hopefully you find answers.


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## lovbeingamommy (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Megan_in_Holland* 
I feel like a leper! My family fell all over themselves getting in touch with me when I was pregnant, but since the miscarriage.... nothing. I know they all know that we lost the pregnancy, but I haven't received a single e-mail, phone call, card, or even a simple acknowledgement of my loss from ANY of my family other than my mom and dad. My in-laws have been amazingly supportive, letting me talk and sharing their own thoughts and experiences with me-- honestly, I don't know what I would have done without my MIL-- but it's like my own family are pretending it never happened.

I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it really stings. Especially since I just got a really nice card from DH's best friend's mom. I barely know her, but she's already expressed more warmth and sympathy than all my family put together. I can understand my two best friends in the US not knowing what to say-- they're both single and not really into kids, so they don't "get" it-- but several of my family members have had miscarriages themselves, so they KNOW what I'm going through. And still nothing.

I tried taking the initiative and calling them myself, and I was told by one person that they hadn't said anything because they didn't want to "set me off". What am I, a bomb waiting to explode? Did they think ignoring the subject would make it go away?

Sorry for venting like this, but I'm just so hurt and angry and I needed to get it out. This pregnancy was a big damn deal for me, and I'm tired of feeling like I can't talk about it. I have nothing to feel ashamed of!

I could have written this post myself. I'm experiencing the exact same thing. I haven't even miscarried - the OB just said to be pessimistic because there was no hb or growth from 7-8 wks. I'm in an "emotional limbo" and no one except my MIL will talk about it!! When I try to bring it up with my mom and dad they quickly change the subject. I need to talk about it...I need help to know what to expect...I need help to know my options. OH, I am so right there with you mama!!! I really really understand!! Thank God for this Forum - if it wasn't available I'd be huddled in a corner crying and depressed.


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## Megan_in_Holland (Jan 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovbeingamommy* 
I could have written this post myself. I'm experiencing the exact same thing. I haven't even miscarried - the OB just said to be pessimistic because there was no hb or growth from 7-8 wks. I'm in an "emotional limbo" and no one except my MIL will talk about it!! When I try to bring it up with my mom and dad they quickly change the subject. I need to talk about it...I need help to know what to expect...I need help to know my options. OH, I am so right there with you mama!!! I really really understand!! Thank God for this Forum - if it wasn't available I'd be huddled in a corner crying and depressed.

Oh mama, that must be so frightening! I only had four days of "limbo" between the first signs that something was wrong and the actual miscarriage, but those were some of the hardest days of my life. I was terrified, caught between grieving for the loss I knew was coming and desperately clinging to hope even though I knew there was nothing to hope for. I know how horrible that feeling is! I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and especially without the support of your parents.







I hope you can draw comfort and support from the strong women here at MDC... I know I wouldn't have been able to get through it all without this forum!


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## texaspeach (Jun 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovbeingamommy* 
I could have written this post myself. I'm experiencing the exact same thing. I haven't even miscarried - the OB just said to be pessimistic because there was no hb or growth from 7-8 wks. I'm in an "emotional limbo" and no one except my MIL will talk about it!! When I try to bring it up with my mom and dad they quickly change the subject. I need to talk about it...I need help to know what to expect...I need help to know my options. OH, I am so right there with you mama!!! I really really understand!! Thank God for this Forum - if it wasn't available I'd be huddled in a corner crying and depressed.











being in limbo was absolute hell.


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## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

Hugs to you and we all send you OUR love and support, and you can talk about your terrible loss here anytime, day or night, and we DO CARE. This is a timely post for me too. We lost our baby at 11 weeks last month. DH's parents AND my mom/brother/other relatives all know. You know how many phone calls and cards I have received? ZERO. That's right, ZERO. From them, I mean. Our kids and my girlfriends were very nurturing, thank goodness!!

My mom has not even called, not once, not a single time. Although she received a phone call from my oldest DD, telling her I was in the hospital for surgery and had lost the baby, my mom never called back, never made any contact whatsoever, never offered to help (she lives 45 minutes away), never called once. Two weeks after the D&C she sent a crappy card that was all about her and her dumb excuses for not calling. It was like three lines long. No "sorry about your loss." No nothing. My other relatives...not a sound. My in-laws, not a sound, not a card, nothing. I think our families of origin just STINK. My relationship with my mom is completely finished over this.

I hope you can find enough support here, and from your partner, and your loving friends and whomever else is good in your life. It still hurts though. I know. It's hard---because we're in mourning for our babies, and also in mourning for those relationships where we THOUGHT those people gave a crap about us. I personally feel that while, yes, it can be hard to talk about death and such, there is still NO excuse for parents who don't support their kids emotionally through something like this. it can be as simple as bringing or sending a plate of cookies or a new outfit or flowers, or lots of cards. But to do nothing and say nothing, that is beyond cold.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Surround yourself with supportive people and if that means not talking to family than so be it. Maybe in time things will change and those relationships can be mended.
Nobody needs the added stress of unsupportive friends and family during a time like this.
Look after yourself and don't even give those people the time of day.


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## annieskry (Mar 11, 2008)

I'm so sorry for you loss and for all of this extra frustration. It does seem like people get so uncomfortable with grief sometimes. My family has been great,I think mostly because my mom has gone through the same thing many times. I think it is difficult for some to understand what to say. I wish I could tell them all, all you need to do is give me a hug and say "i'm sorry". I hope they come around.


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## hattifattener (Jan 10, 2008)

Plus, I think some people just have frickin' issues with the whole thing. Like maybe a few of the people who won't talk about it had their own miscarriages?

That is pure conjecture, but I have no other way to explain, for example, the "friend" I had during my first miscarriage who, after I told her about it, basically freaked out and said that was way too personal for me to tell her about, and I had crossed a line. Yeah. We weren't friends after that.

I know this doesn't help you, I'm just saying who KNOWS what weird secret issues people have that make them respond in whacked-out ways?


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## socialworkmamma (Mar 15, 2006)

First Megan, I'm so very sorry for the loss you and DH are going through. Losing a child at any point is just devestaing. I know for me it remains the worst thing that has ever happened. I also wanted to say that we too went through the same thing and even though our loss was several years ago, I do feel it impacted our relationships with our friends and family to this day. Our church family was very distant, a card or two and a nervous "how are you" the first week we were back. I still don't like most of the people we were "close" to during that time because of the lack of support and simple understanding. There were so many babies and pregnancies going on that we took a break for almost a year, sneaking in and out of service and never going to Sunday school at all. I had been the treasurer, so we had been super involved. No one ever called, sent a card or even asked why we were no longer coming.
As far as parents go, my mom was sympathetic at the start, sent a card and that's it. It happened in September and unknown to my DH and I she arranged for a family picture to be taken in November to send out at Christmas. She sprang it on us the day of the picture and we went ahead and did it, bringing our lab Lucy with us, while my brother and his wife had my nephew. My Mom finally asked me why I seemed upset and I let her have it, the fact I should be pregnant in the picture, having my twins in April, happy and excited, not wishing to be dead and the fact that no one ever talked about it was killing me. Her response was shock that I could think she had forgotten, she was sad and grieveing the loss of her grandchidren. I believe she was sincere, but she just didn't get it was not about her, it was what I needed, as her daugher, to get through the worst time of my life. Since then I have just really felt an emotional disconnect from her. We see each other frequently as we live on the same property, but something changed forever for me in how I felt. I don't know if things would be different if I had gone to her earlier and shared how I was feeling. I never really did let her know I needed her extra support. I don't know the kind of relationship you have with your parents, but if you feel you can talk to them now about how you are feeling and what your needs are, it might help. I do wonder about what might have been with my mom.
Take care of yourself and know you are so not alone in you feelings.
Pamela


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