# Now or Never



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

VERY LONG, sorry... I need this. This is also slightly graphic in nature so please be forewarned.I hope this is ok here.

Well... this is all still such a shock to me. However, I feel like I need to share this now or it may never come out







It's all still so fresh in my mind and I don't want to leave anything out so here it goes...

DH and I found out that we were expecting our 4th baby after a trip to Canada in July. It was unexpected though very welcomed! We had been planning to ttc in December or so anyway and we knew that we were "dancing in the danger zone" while we were in CA anyway iykwim? Needless to say I wasn't shocked to find I was pg.

We went along like normal sharing with friends and family... afterall I've never been able to hold that kind of news in. Everyone was so excited for us as were we. Our kiddos were going through the roof!!!

I have to say that I never once had the fear that Ive had with my other pregnancies this time that I would miscarry. I've never lost a babe but somehow I still feared it, but not this time. I had such peace, I can't explain that. Everything seemed wonderful. Sore breasts, dizziness and suuuuuuper tired. The only thing that never came was morning sickness and I must admit that it bothered me the more time that went by that I didn't get sick. I know that people say there's not alot to that but for some reason it struck me strange. I ended up passing it off as a blessing and that was that.

We began planning for our homebirth and had our first visit with our midwife who was coincidentally just 6 weeks ahead of me in her preggy state. We talked for hours of our thoughts and headed off to our family vacation with plans to schedule our first prenatal visit at our return when I would be about 10 weeks along.

While on vacation I had a strange episode of horrible cramping that made me feel like I was falling apart. It brought me to tears and scared me to death however we finished out our vacation uneventfully. That episode never left me... I felt something was not right.

When we returned home I noticed that I was a bit more uncomfortable than usual as far as cramps go. Nothing crazy but definately more than what I would expect from stretching cramps. One afternoon I noticed a tinge of brown on the TP after using the bathroom and I thought my worst fears were coming true. After that day I had it a few more times, and again the day after that. Because it never pregressed into anything, Ihoped for the best. I figured I had low hcg and was having some spotting due to being around the time when I would have normally been getting my period. Only problem is that it was the 2nd one I missed and I thought that was odd.

I headed out one afternoon to grocery shop and stopped to have lunch with my kids at my mothers resturaunt. After eating I went to the bathroom because of course I had to pee millions of times a day and why should today be any different. Well it was, there was red streaked TP today. I imediately got scared because from everything I had been reading that was not a good sign. I told my mom and headed straight to my friends house so I wouldn't be alone. DH was out of town and not coming home until that evening. I didn't want to scare him since I wasn't clear yet as to what was happening. I stayed there for a while and the bleeding got more signifigant but never enough to even touch the pad... just some spotting type stuff but surely blood









I did end up calling DH just before going home and he was on his way there already thankfully. That day I went home and spent the evening scared. DH ended up stopping at the midwife's house an hour from home to pick up some tinctures for me to help in case of just a threatened miscarriage, cramping etc. I started having some very uncomfortable cramps but still no flow of blood. I remained extremely hopefull though I knew in my heart I was losing my baby. Some of my girlfriends came over including 2 of the older mamas in my church and prayed with me. It was very comforting to have them there and to feel their positivity surrounding me.

The next day I woke to find that the bleeding had not continued into the night! It seemed as though I had nothing happen and all the cramps had sopped! This, I thought, was a great sign. Just a little while later, I started to bleed again the same as the day before. I knew for sure something was terribly wrong and decided I needed to know for sure so we headed out for some blood work at the hospital. I hated the idea of being there even if I was losing the baby because I wanted to do it peacefully at home but there was this hope still driving me to go and find out if maybe...just maybe my hormones were fine and this was all a freak thing.

I spent 4 hours in the nasty hospital waiting room with my loving DH waiting for a stupid bed. No one cared... naturally that I was pregnant since your pregnancy isn't considered "viable" until 20 weeks and so I sat as if I had a boo boo that needed a bandaid. My labor started there. I began contracting every 2 minutes on the dot and experiencing what were the strangest emotions I have ever had. It was all so surreal, and it still is. I made a few trips to the bathroom because of course it was much more comfortable to sit on the toilet and labor than be in the waiting room. I only wish I could have dragged Jamie in there with me so I wasn't alone. I kept waiting for the bleeding to get worse as it still hadn't started to flow at all, just spotting. My last trip to the BR and it began to come a little bit. I knew the baby would come soon but I was still hopefull.

Finally we got a room and laid down and labored. The bleeding had started and I was hurting and so confused. Poor dh didn't know what to do. They decided to move me to an OB room in emergency so I would be more comfy. Before doing that I made one last trip to the bathroom and found myself a mess. Hope this isn't tmi but I can't help it. I was bleeding heavily and I just knew that I knew it was happening. I just nevr thought it would be me.

In the OB room the DR. who was very sweet examined me and had blood work done. During the exam he gently shared with us that my cervix was indeed open, I was passing some small clots and he suspected I was miscarrying. He also shared shortly after that my hcg was at 890 when it needed to be at least 10,000 where I was 9 1/2 weeks.They offered me morphine but I declined because I just wanted to go home.

Before leaving, the hospital sent in a nurse to discharge me and to my shock she was 9 months pregnant. My sweet dh, out of not knowing what else to do, asked her how far along she was and she answered " 5 weeks left, that's why they sent the other nurse in here to do your exam."







DH says "oh because they didn't want to upset my wife?" Nurse " Oh yeah or vise versa... you know with me being all emotional at this stage"







I think my heart stopped with that. I thought I was halucinating or something.

We got out of there and went home. Our friends were here with their kids watching my kids all day while we were gone. The same mama who's house I went to 1st. She has been friends with my dh since they were in dipes and I caught 2 of her babies- we're very close. I was glad to see them when we got there, it was very comforting.

Upon arriving I immediately needed to use the bathroom since I was still contracting. Strangely enough the bleeding had slowed and the Dr told me not to expect to see anything since the baby probably never progressed past a blighted ovum. I just knew in my heart that that wasn't true so I asked God for a miracle... to see my baby. When I got to the BR, I felt a small but distinct urge to push and ever so gently I felt my little baby fall from my body far too soon. I picked up a red sack and knew what lay inside but I was too afraid to do anything but look in amazement. I called for my dh and then for my friend.

*** WARNING*** this may be tmi for some

Without being too graphic I want to share the next part of my story because it is a huge part of healling and closure for me. I hope this isn't against the rules or anything.

We decided to open the sack to see what was inside. I don't know what I was prepared to see but I wanted to see, to connect with my baby in any way I could. She was so real and I needed to validate that feeing. Needless to say we did just that. With DH present, the very mama who babies I had the privilage of catching during her unassisted homebirth helped to reveal my baby to me while I held the little sack in my hands. What we found was most incredible! I still can't believe what happened even now! MY baby was there, perfect and tiny. Her little water bag was totally intact inside the sack that looked like placenta or something. We just peeled it ever so gently away and there she was! It was amazing! I've never seen something so awesome in my life. A tiny baby floating in her water at 9 weeks gestation. I saw her little hands and feet, arms,legs, eyes and mouth...even her umbilical cord could be seen! We saw everything. I couldn't even cry, it was so awesome.

Not to sound wierd or anything but we even videotaped it so we'd have a vision of her forever. I couldn't bare to not have that moment last and go back whenever I wanted.

While all this was happening, our other best friends showed up to check on us not knowing what had happened. We decided to hold a ceremony together surrounded by our friends for our little one. My dh picked a special spot in our garden and him and the guys lit candles and prepared the area for our angel. We all joined together and gave her back to the earth by each taking a handful of earth and filling the hole.

It was such a prophetic sign to me to each fill the hole. I felt it was the beginning of the healing process I knew I was beginning. We were surrounded by the people we love dearly and all were touched deeply, we were all moved indescribably. We are purchasing a burning bush to plant in the place where we gave her back.

Of course she was a bit too small to identify the sex however I feel I know because of a very spiritual experience I had right after we burried her. I saw a vision in my mind of a pregnant woman and thought these things. When a woman is pregnant in the early months she just has to believe what is happening inside of her. She can't feel it, she can't see it ( by natural means) she can only have faith in the fact that there is life growing in her womb. If a woman loses that baby in the early months, she also has to believe there was a baby because (most of the time) she never sees. She has faith that there was a baby though her arms are empty and her eyes never saw. Faith is to believe without seeing but somehow I was aloud to SEE faith. I was aloud to see something that most never see with their own eyes, I witnessed faith. When I said these things out loud to my dh and friends suddenly I was hit with a warm sensation and I heard a voice tell me in my heart "and her name is Faith" I knew the voice to be God's.

So on September 1st Faith came into our lives.

My heart is grieving and I'm so confused but I know I'm gonna be ok, I just don't know when.

If you got this far THANK YOU for giving your time to my story. MDC is a place I have often sought refuge, support and comfort along with many other things so I know it was a good decision to share. It just seems so easy here.

I'll be hanging around


----------



## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I am so sorry.







s


----------



## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

So very sorry. What a heartbreaking and amazing story. Please let your loved ones hold you up during this time.


----------



## TRIBE (Apr 10, 2004)

Kristie--what a moving beautiful sad story







Please let me know if there is anything you need!







Faith


----------



## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Kristie, I am so very sorry for your loss. Faith is such a beautiful name! How wonderful that you found the courage to see her and videotape her. I think it was a perfect thing to do. Take care of yourself during your recovery physically and we will be here to help you with your healing emotionally.


----------



## athansor (Feb 9, 2005)

Thank you for sharing your tuoching, sad and amazing story.







Faith


----------



## KarmaChameleon (Aug 25, 2003)

Be well Kristie and take care of yourself and your babies ...thank you for sharing Faith


----------



## hobbitsmama (Aug 19, 2003)

thank you for sharing your storywith us, kristie.
hope to see you soon so i can give you a big hug.


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

WOW! Just coming here and seeing replys REALLY lifted my spirits. It's so good to see some of you that I haven't in a long time... Hi Mandie









Thanks so much everyone for reading... I know I'm in good company.

I'm feeling ok today but I think I got a bit dehydrated. I was suffereing with a horrible headache and seemed to be flushed in my face when I realized I hadn't had but 1 glass of water today and for that matter I had probably the same yesterday







oops. I guess I just wasn't thinking however I feel much better now that I've pounded down some serious liquids.

Thanks again for all the love and hugs...







Crunchy Crew Mamas


----------



## bethanyclaire (Dec 17, 2004)

So much love to you in this heartbreaking time. We are all here if you need us. I've never had an experience belonging to someone else move me to tears like yours has. Your strength and peace through this experience has been an inspiration and such a testament to your faith. So much love to you and to Faith as well.


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Thank you Beth... I feel honored to be part of such a wonderfully supportive and genuine group of Mamas.







Crap! now you're making ME cry LOL It's good crying though


----------



## Indigo73 (Aug 2, 2002)

Kristie, thank you for sharing your story. Your family is in my heart.


----------



## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

I am sorry you lost Faith

Thank you for sharing her story with us. I also had a very moving experience with my first loss, I will always be sad but feel privaliged to have witnessed a tiny miracle.

Take extra care of yourself during this hard time

Tara


----------



## wolfmom (Jan 10, 2003)

Dear Kristie, Your story was so beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing it. I wish more than anything that I could have seen my baby. I don't think what you did was weird at all. I think it is amazing and you are so lucky to have such wonderful, supportive people around you. I hope your family has peace and healing in your own time.
love,


----------



## happiestmomma (Aug 22, 2004)

Hugs to you and your family. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
God bless you and Faith...


----------



## BumbleBena (Mar 18, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss.









Thank you for sharing your story. You and your family are in my thoughts.








Faith


----------



## Tummy (Feb 24, 2005)

Quote:

We decided to open the sack to see what was inside. I don't know what I was prepared to see but I wanted to see, to connect with my baby in any way I could. She was so real and I needed to validate that feeing. Needless to say we did just that. With DH present, the very mama who babies I had the privilage of catching during her unassisted homebirth helped to reveal my baby to me while I held the little sack in my hands. What we found was most incredible! I still can't believe what happened even now! MY baby was there, perfect and tiny. Her little water bag was totally intact inside the sack that looked like placenta or something. We just peeled it ever so gently away and there she was! It was amazing! I've never seen something so awesome in my life. A tiny baby floating in her water at 9 weeks gestation. I saw her little hands and feet, arms,legs, eyes and mouth...even her umbilical cord could be seen! We saw everything. I couldn't even cry, it was so awesome.
Just a few weeks ago I had a m/c. I too wanted to "see the baby." We took pictures of what came out. You can find my story somewhere around here if you would like to read it.
I want to say, more so then *wanting* to see, I *needed* to see.
I had an u/s and found my baby had died at 8 weeks, I was 10 weeks at that time. Carried my baby for another 6 days and then he left my body. I Needed to see that he was leaving. I had been bleeding on and off.
I will NEVER forget the feelings I had at that moment, nor do I ever want to. During the stages of him leaving (what was labor) I was typing out my feelings. I wanted to remember it all, not have a few hazzy moments and wonder at a later date.
This was closure for me, and I needed it.

I think your story is beautiful, yet sad at the same time. I understand where you come from with what you did.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best baby vibes for up any up coming pregnancy!


----------



## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.


----------



## gridley13 (Sep 3, 2004)

I just wanted to send some hugs your way. I wanted you to know that I read your story... I understand your need to share in order to heal, and want you to know you are being heard.


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

I get so excited to come here every night when I'm all alone with my thoughts to see what's been written to me. I have such a flood of emotions and I want everyone who is keeping up with this thread to know that I am taking in each and every word that is written to me. Thank you so much for taking those minutes of your life to give to me by reaching out with your words.

It really is amazing how we have these safe haven's available to us in what can seem like such a lonely and uncaring world.

I am truly finding such peace right now. I just decide everyday that I'm living that day and there's something new on the horizon for me. 1 day at a time... so cliche but so true. This experience has opened up a whole new world to me that I'm just beginning to explore. It's like I've been given a key to unlock secret places where I can see things I've not seen and be with people that I could never get to before amoungst other things. It really is such a broad revelation that seems to be just beginning to unfold. The bottom line is... something unexplainable happened to me. I think there are some that can understand this, others may just think I'm mystically out of my mind or crazy.

Tummy... I'd love to hear your story. Thank you for sharing your heart with me.


----------



## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

Thanks for sharing...it was one of the most moving things I have ever read.

Peace be with you and your family.


----------



## De-lovely (Jan 8, 2005)

Prayers for you mama and your precious Faith..........


----------



## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

Kristie,








to you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. I experienced a mc on 4 August. I haven't posted my experience yet but connected with your experience. I haven't cried in few weeks and know I still have lots of grieving to do. Reading your post has been cleansing, as I type this with tears streaming down my face, and I thank you for sharing Faith and helping me with my healing.

Thinking of you,
Janetann


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

It does feel good to journey together... and I'm so happy that my experience has become part of your healing too. I've been doing the same thing by reading others and identifying with the emotions etc. I have found that what I thought was going to be the hardest thing to do in my life ( sharing my story and actually being open about it) has become a source of light and life. Sounds strange, eh? I can't really explain it other than it's supernatural, how loss of life has become life. I'm still going deeper everyday and I never know what's gonna show up... sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry but I always have a peace.

I'm sending you those same peaceful vibes Mama








For YOUR little one


----------



## LisaG (Feb 23, 2003)

Kristie, thank you for sharing your story. In a strange way, it was comforting for me to hear. I am so glad you were and are surrounded by good people you can lean on.









Lisa


----------



## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

i just want to tell you how sorry i am for your lost babe. her life was short in days but obviously filled to the utmost in pure love from her mom and dad.

thank you for your honesty. i feel that our culture is so far far away from a healthy perspective on life and what it means... can we only see our children when they are born, shiny and perfect, breathing, growing? everything else doesn't count?? our children are our children, no matter what state they are in... just a thought... a weeeee, tiny miracle... or anywhere inbetween. your post wasn't too graphic to me, a mother who knows her only daughter through her ultrasound images, three pictures of her after she was born still, and a few hours spent with her in a state of shock. i was relieved to know your family and friends accepted your child in such a loving way- as soon as there is love, there is life, and the miracle begins... how long this life lives is not within our control, unfortunately. our grief counselor lost her son when he was murdered senselessly before he turned 30- she grieves as i do, and coral rose died as she was born. 30 years, 17 years, 6 years, 2 years, 3 months, 1 week old, coral's 292 days, 27 weeks gestation, ten weeks, 8, 6, 5, 4, 3.... these children, we grieve them equally...

my thoughts are with you and your family in your time of loss. coralsmom


----------



## LB Mama (Aug 28, 2005)

Kristie and all Mamas,
I was so intensely moved by your story. I learned of my miscarriage this past Friday (9/9/05) ...because of a drop in hcq levels, an ultrasound was ordered and confirmed no heartbeat, the baby looked to have died at 8 1/2 weeks. I have hardly thought of anything else but how I will possibly deal with it in the months to come. I have had no symptoms of miscarriage, except the sypmtoms of prenancy slowly disappearing. I have read many posts that say passing a miscarriage naturally can take up to a few months or more.
I am 36 years old, 37 in February. I have one previous miscarriage in 03, and also have a very healthy 3 year old boy who is the the joy of my heart








I had a d&c last time, mostly because I was a mess and my ob recommended it to get past the grieving process sooner. I am a mess now too.
However, I so much want to experience this baby comng out of me naturally to dignify her with some peace and remembrance. But I feel compelled to try again, mostly because I feel the clock ticking and I so much want a sibling for my little 3 yr old angel. I fear if I wait too long, whatever is wrong will not be resolved in time to try again. (wondering if there are some maternal health issues that caused this to happen, since it is my second miscarriage, both at 8 1/2 weeks).
I am not sure what kind of advice I am seeking. Maybe experience of anyone who might have experienced either natural or d&c miscarriage and your thoughts pros and cons and on healing and ttc again. Or even some hard core opinions that might point me in some direction that would help me to decide either way.

Thank you for your thoughts, Dani


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Dani,








I'm so sorry about the news. That has to be very difficult knowing what is coming. Especially after already having a miscarriage once before. My heart goes out to you.

As far as D&C verses natural loss... I'm no expert in this field since it's all pretty new to me but I follow the school of thought that natural is always better in most anything. D&C is an invasive procedure that should probably be reserved for medically neccesary circumstances, because of course that does happen. I believe it was a pretty routine precedure a while back but was found to be too risky to just implement regularly. I'm sure someone here who is far more educated in this area can give you specifics on that.

I know that the body will do it's job in most cases and from what I can gather that is the basic opinion out there.

I think if you repost this into a new thread you may get more of a response. I was going to do it for you but I figured I better ask first







Good Luck Mama... and thank you for being so open here!


----------



## Eggie (Aug 7, 2003)

Faith


----------



## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

Choosing a d&c is really just personal preference. You might wait and end up with one anyway, if the body doesn't complete the process on its own. Some prefer to get it over with - the procedure only takes five minutes - and waiting is no guarantee that you will pass a complete embryo. D&C is one of the safest surgical procedures nowadays. Depending on your feelings about the m/c it might be less upsetting to wait for nature to take its course. Most of my friends who have had this decision to make have chosen d&c just to be able to move on and no longer wait, experience symptoms, etc. I hope you feel better.

Kristie, I am sorry to read of your loss but glad that you are finding some resolution and that you were lucky enough, if you'll forgive me putting it like that, to catch an intact baby and get to see her. I don't think it's weird, I think it's very cool, to do what you did.


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

No worries about putting it like that... I understand. I do feel very lucky, as a matter of fact I thought it was totally unusual like maybe I was having an extreme out of the ordinary experience. I still can't really believe it.

Thanks for adding your opinion to the d&c question...


----------



## NWmt_mama (Jul 22, 2005)

Kristie, thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you a peaceful recovery. I, too, had a m/c recently and I have found myself talking about the loss of the baby, the pregnancy, the m/c process, etc. all the time. Up until now I was feeling awkward about it, but reading your post made me realize that it has been an important part of my grieving and healing. Thank you.


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Kristen, I'm so glad... peaceful recovery to you also.


----------



## kiwimutti (Mar 22, 2004)

I feel like im barging in from out of no where to a quiet place of reverence...but please know i'm tip toeing and full of awe ... I dont even know you, yet you have been generous enough to share your birth with me....and I truely feel honered. pregnancy and birth have always been close to my heart somehow.
Thankyou very much for sharing in such detail and with so much honesty...I feel like I have just been to a beautiful birth with the amazing potent atmosphere that surrounds birth. And death I suppose.

Your experience sounds so strikingly _whole_, like you really managed to meet every part of it so _fully_, if that makes sense? I sometimes wonder if I would be able to do that and I feel that women, such as you, shareing your stories are a blessing for women who may need to draw from the strength and love that came with your "raw sharing" that's the part that I feel stays with me.








Blessings and thankyou, kiwi


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Oh no Kiwi... I'm stoked that you decided to share. I'm really touched myself by how much my story has been a source of freedom and a gateway for Mamas to come together. Each story is full of meaning and power I'm just glad something good is able to come out of something seemingly so bad.

Faith and my experience with her has literally changed me forever and I hope that it does the same for others who need it.

No need to delete your message... it just adds to the symphony of healing that can be heard here.


----------



## kiwimutti (Mar 22, 2004)

...I had second thoughts about sharing my stories and deleted them (must have been _exactly_ as you were replying) Im glad I did get to share them with you anyway, (relieved that it was ok)...

I continue to be inspired by your positivity and openess to all the goodness that could possibly come out of your experience...that must be what healing is all about.


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

No worries


----------



## storeimy (Dec 9, 2003)

Oh Kristie-how can something be so unbelievably beautiful and incredibly sad at the same time? Your story moved me to tears. Life changing doesn't even sound powerful enough. You are one amazing mama.

I know I will not soon forget Faith or her amazing story.

Thank you for sharing.


----------



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

It is crazy isn't it? And the peace strangely enoug is so real and so much continues to come into my life as a result of her birth and death to change me. I just can't explain it fully with words.

Thanks so much for your encouragement! Love and Light to you!


----------



## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *storeimy*
Oh Kristie-how can something be so unbelievably beautiful and incredibly sad at the same time? Your story moved me to tears. Life changing doesn't even sound powerful enough. You are one amazing mama.

I know I will not soon forget Faith or her amazing story.

Thank you for sharing.









I feel exactly the same way! thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story


----------



## mama4gals (Nov 15, 2003)

Kristie, my heart goes out to you. I had a similar experience with my 1st mc at 13 wks (I just had my 4th yesterday at 6 wks). This was in Aug 02, and my water broke at 4am, then nothing at all til 4am the next day, when I knew I had better get to the br quick. I got a bowl and saved what came out. Then I began to bleed profusely, and we went to the hospital. I lost so much blood I almost passed out, and spent the next 2-3 hrs having a complete mc. We told the dr that we wanted to bury the baby, so the lab looked at it, then wrapped it in tissue paper in a box. Later that day at home, or maybe the next day, I can't remember, I went out onto the porch, and in the bright sunlight looked at my baby. It was a boy, perfectly formed in every way, umbilical cord and everything. I was absolutely astounded at the perfection in that tiny tiny being. I was filled with awe at God's creation, and the overwhelming thought that I wished that anyone considering an abortion could see what I was looking at. I wept from the very depths of my soul with grief and longing and sorrow, but at the same time I knew that I would be okay. It had such a profound impact on me to see my baby; I felt like I had been given a huge insight into life and death and faith and love. These things change us so, make us experienced, and wise. We don't see it at first, but later we see how the pain has made us better women. Not that I relish it, but it seems to help me to know that it is not all for nothing.

I so wanted this last baby. I am almost 42, and no spring chicken. I have 4 healthy children, but I have for years felt there was supposed to be one more. And this time I was thrilled without reservation. I decided to open myself wide to life, even if it ended in mc. And, sadly, it did, again. But I was so glad it was an early one. It is such a smaller deal, physically, and when you're physically okay, you can handle the emotional stuff better. And I am glad that I had new life in me, even if was for such a short time. I felt so vibrant and alive, and it has reminded me how precious all my children are. I have waxed on forever, but it is so good to let my thoughts flow to you women who know what it feels like.


----------

