# Miscarriage at 12 weeks



## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

I'm not sure where to start. I just found out today that there is no longer a heartbeat and that I am starting to miscarry.

This was baby # 3, I had weekly ultrasounds for a few weeks to monitor an ovarian mass and saw a good strong heartbeat every time. I started having some cramping and spotting a few days after my pap last tuesday, went to emerg last night because I just felt it wasn't right for those symptoms to still be going on 4 days after the pap. I was right. The baby's growth stopped somewhere around 10 weeks they figured.

It hasn't hit me yet, we just started telling everyone, a few days before this started because I was 12 weeks, we figured it was pretty safe. We were wrong.

I am really worried that I won't have a natural and complete miscarriage, fingers crossed that I do, I really don't think I could handle any more complications.

In the back of my head, I keep telling myself that there is usually a "good" reason for a miscarriage and that we can try again, but it doesn't do much good, we had just decided on names we liked too. I'm also terrified to try again, the what ifs just won't stop.


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## music.mama.pdx (Jul 14, 2010)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you 

It has started to sink in a bit, had a bit of a meltdown. Cramping is still fairly strong but so far still just spotting, I really wish things would just happen so I could stop waiting.

Also kind of worried about my SO's reaction, he isn't one to talk about things and has been very quiet. That I understand, but my brain has gone into overdrive with what ifs about our relationship, like what if he doesn't want to be with me after this (my other 2 kids are from my marriage, so not my SO's.) I talked to a GF who reminded me that I'm being silly to think that way but there is just so much on my mind I can't shut it off.

I'm very glad that I found this forum when I did.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

So sorry mama, if you're doing this naturally it should be perfectly fine. It does take longer, but the healing process is better. You experience your body work how it should in situations such as this. I started miscarrying two weeks ago. Found out on a thursday and passed most of the placenta on sunday, cramped or really felt like early labor since I had the pushing feeling on my tailbone, monday and into the early morning of tuesday and I passed the baby then. I'm still bleeding and until 2 days ago it was heavy now it's very light.

They told me I could take 800mg of motrin but I chose to use a heating pad through the contractions and at this point that's what it is since you have to pass so much now. The heating pad helped though I did make it too hot a few times and burned my stomach.

Monitor your temperature and watch for signs of infection, body aches tend to start in your neck and shoulders. Otherwise you should be fine at home. It helped me grieve to feel the process but that's just me.

Peace be with you mama.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you for your kind words and advice 

It's certainly not easy and I am doing this naturally (and hopefully can continue to do so without medical intervention.)

Thankfully, I am a vet tech and very in tune to signs of infection (strange to say but we aren't that different from animals in many ways lol.) I have a bad neck and shoulder as it is, from a bad fall when I used to ride racehorses, they regularly hurt so I can't tell from that. They did take my bloodwork last night and said it was all really good, so I will watch for other signs (fever etc.)

I'm so sorry for your loss also, Imakcerka. I wish you a speedy recovery, it really isn't an easy thing to deal with.


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## cygknit (Apr 14, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss. I wanted to let you know that what you are feeling--from the what ifs to the meltdowns--is totally normal and to be expected.There is so much going on with your body, your emotions and your thoughts right now. Just as you are letting your body do it's process your mind will do the same. Hugs to you.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have had 3 missed miscarriages this past year. One went on it's own, one was induced and one was a d&c. They were all different, emotionally and physically. I hope it goes well for you! There is a wonderful thread about what to expect when you miscarry where many mom's have shared their stories, it brought me comfort while I was healing.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you 

The kind replies from everyone have definitely helped a little today. It's nice to have other moms who understand and are supportive. I know my SO is hurting too, but he is really quiet about things that bother him, so the last thing I want to do is push him. He's been supportive his way, watched my kids (mine from my previous marriage) so that I could lay down (didn't nap, just watched some silly comedies.) He made dinner for us all, and even though he isn't a hugely affectionate person (and neither am I, aside from my kids of course, I can cuddle them all day lol) has just quietly held me whenever I sit down or lay down next to him. I know that alone is big for him, and is definitely helping a bit.

I'm still really worried that it's not going to complete naturally, the spotting is so light, but I know it can take a while (been spotting since thursday evening now.) On the opposite end I'm afraid of bleeding too much and winding up in trouble. It's all so scary and I wish I remembered what my first miscarriage was like, but it's all pretty fuzzy.

It seems so unfair, aside from losing a baby, we have to go through all the pain and fear and all of it.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you and I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through. I can't imagine having to go through 3 in a row. I know that my SO would like to try again, and so would I, but not sure how I will deal with the fear of having another one.

I started to read that thread and then got scared because of all the posts about lots of bleeding that required a fast trip to the ER, I'm a bit of a worrier so my SO made me stop reading it for a little while. The doctor told me basically what to expect, that if the pain is so severe that I can't function or the bleeding is soaking pad after pad and making me dizzy or light headed that I need to come back, same with fever etc. I wish I could have seen my doctor, but we just moved and while he will stay my family doctor, was just in the process of transferring me to an OB here to deliver this baby, so I had to go to the ER at a new hospital and see a doctor I didn't know.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sagewinna*
> 
> I am so sorry for your loss.
> 
> I have had 3 missed miscarriages this past year. One went on it's own, one was induced and one was a d&c. They were all different, emotionally and physically. I hope it goes well for you! There is a wonderful thread about what to expect when you miscarry where many mom's have shared their stories, it brought me comfort while I was healing.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Had bad dreams about it all last night, woke up thinking "it was just a dream!" and temporary relief before it all came crashing back. It just feels so unfair.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I was wondering how you were feeling. Hugs mama


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thanks, not so great today, emotionally, mentally or physically (cramping is pretty strong, bleeding still doesn't want to pick up much.) The SO is acting weird and it's freaking me out, even though rationally I know he is probably just trying to deal with it his way.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> I was wondering how you were feeling. Hugs mama


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## Xerxella (Feb 6, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to let you know, I had a mis earlier this year at 14 weeks and spotted for about a week before it happened. Then when the bleeding really started, the next day was the actual miscarriage if that makes sense. Also, the worst was about an afternoon and then the worst was over.

If you want to do this, you can do this. You've given birth before and this is easier (physically) than birth. Good luck. I hope it all happens quickly for you and relatively painlessly.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you. I think right now what's really getting to me, is that we had hit 12 weeks, you know, it's supposed to be "safer" past that point. Then I see all these other moms saying they had a miscarriage past 12 weeks, it makes me terrified to even think about trying again, even though I know I want to.

I'm so sorry for your loss as well.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Xerxella*
> 
> I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to let you know, I had a mis earlier this year at 14 weeks and spotted for about a week before it happened. Then when the bleeding really started, the next day was the actual miscarriage if that makes sense. Also, the worst was about an afternoon and then the worst was over.
> 
> If you want to do this, you can do this. You've given birth before and this is easier (physically) than birth. Good luck. I hope it all happens quickly for you and relatively painlessly.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Get out the heating pad and calm music, have SO rub your back. Yes, my DH had a very hard time, felt guilt and felt out of place. The strong cramping should only be a day or two. Hugs mama, I wish I could hold your hand through this, ( i know sounds odd, we don't know each other, I just hate the idea of the heartbreak and pain you're going through).


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

It doesn't sound odd at all, we are moms and that's what a good mom does (or feels the urge to do.) We are nurturing by nature and I know I would want to help somebody through something like this if I could.  Thank you for the thought, it really does mean a lot.

SO just came back from a little drive (2nd one since we found out the bad news, I guess it's his way of coping) and is now hovering, trying to figure out what to do. I will "put him to work" as you suggested. 

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> Get out the heating pad and calm music, have SO rub your back. Yes, my DH had a very hard time, felt guilt and felt out of place. The strong cramping should only be a day or two. Hugs mama, I wish I could hold your hand through this, ( i know sounds odd, we don't know each other, I just hate the idea of the heartbreak and pain you're going through).


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shell29*
> 
> Thank you. I think right now what's really getting to me, is that we had hit 12 weeks, you know, it's supposed to be "safer" past that point. Then I see all these other moms saying they had a miscarriage past 12 weeks, it makes me terrified to even think about trying again, even though I know I want to.


This will sound so naive, but with my first pregnancy, I honestly didn't realise what a miscarriage was really about, and I honestly did not think that women had them after 12 weeks. I think that it made my loss @ 12.5 all the more shocking too me.

FWIW, (and to cut a long story short) I started spotting and very mild cramping at about 2 or 3 in the afternoon. That continued on and off (mostly on) throughout the evening and night. I had one gush of blood about midnight. In the morning, about 6am, the cramps started getting stronger. By about 10am, the cramps were really, really strong. At that stage, they were what I would imagine full blown contractions to be like, but I had no idea at the time. Literally, I was squeezing the crap out of DP's hand, and blowing through them. About 10am, I felt a strange little "pop", I adjusted in my seat, and my water broke. It was instant relief from pain. We arrived at the hospital about 5 mins later - we were on our way there for an ultrasound, incidentally, but we decided to go to ED. I took my pants off, and delivered my babe.

Without scaring you, the bleeding afterwards was pretty distressing - just keep in mind that if you fill a pad an hour for two or more hours in a row, you should be seeking medical attention. I often felt like I was sitting over the toilet, just pouring blood.

I hope it all goes well for you.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thanks for sharing your experience.

I wish I could say I remember what the bleeding was like when I miscarried 8 years ago, but mostly I just remember being in a lot of pain and curled up on the couch, so I'm guessing the bleeding wasn't excessive.

The bleeding today is now red, not brown, but still more like spotting. Tha cramps come and go, sometimes they are just annoying, other times they really hurt and I cave and take one of the T3's they prescribed me. Although, I don't think they do much, aside from making me feel really tired.

If the bleeding is really extreme (soaking more than 1 pad an hour for more than an hour) I will definitely get help. My 2 kids need me, and I want to be around to get the chance to try again for #3. 

A girlfriend of mine is on her way here for tonight and tomorrow night, so at least I will have someone with me while my SO works tomorrow and wednesday. If needed she would pick my son up from school. I can't say that my SO and I really want company, but I know someone needs to be here and she offered, and my SO said he would feel better knowing I wasn't alone, even if it is just for the next 2 days. Thankfully, she knows I won't be the best company, and she doesn't care.

Is it wrong that I just want this m/c over so that we can focus on trying again? That's how I feel this evening, I don't want to have to wait, I'm terrified of something stopping us from trying again or concieveing etc, I just want to get started. I feel guilty for feeling that, like I'm not mourning this baby properly, even though I have cried on and off all day for it.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Nothing you feel will be wrong. You will probably go through all the stages of grief, too. It is a relief to start the process in earnest, and to want it over is completely ok.

I hope the red spotting means you are progressing physically.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank your for making me feel better about everything I'm feeling. I'm definitely a bit more crampy today, the bleeding is a little heavier but still nothing major. I feel a little crappy but nothing that makes me believe that there is a problem, I'm guessing that feeling a little crappy all around is pretty normal.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Yes it's normal. Hope your friend was good help to you mama. You can do this.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thanks  My friend is here until tomorrow morning. Currently a little stressed because my son just started grade 1 (new school, new town) and has autism. The principal just called to ask if I could come for the lunch, at least for tomorrow, because he's having a bit of a tough time. I had to say yes, I have nobody else who can go for me, but now I'm freaking out that I'm going to wind up in the hospital or be in so much pain I can't handle it. I HAVE to be able to be there, this is the worst possible time for a miscarriage. *sigh*

Edit* I have a mild headache today and am super tired, really hoping this is normal. I don't want to go to emerg and wait for 5 hrs like I did on the weekend, but I also don't want to ignore anything major. I hate not knowing, this is terrible.


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## tibris (Aug 29, 2011)

sorry for your loss.

If it makes you feel at all better, you aren't alone. I was not as far along as you, but I am in the same boat right now. It made me feel better to read your posts. In fact I even had a dream last night that I woke up POAS and it was a beautiful red line! I had that moment of relief, then woke up enough to realize which was real.

I've been having headaches, chest pain (the chest pain not being too horribly unusual for me and the weather change I'm sure doesn't help), and feeling exhausted. I found out friday night that my HCG had gone down to 9, but the bleeding has stopped. Cramps are hit or miss, sometimes painful, sometimes achy, most of the time gone.

I'm definitely feeling the same emotions as you. I just want it over so we can get back on cycle. We weren't TTC, but this experience has made it clear we want to. Frustrated that my body won't clue in. I had a natural early miscarriage two years ago that was smooth as could be, I don't understand why my body isn't figuring this one out. Also frustrated that I've still got PG symptoms. I can't imagine if I'd had had more weeks to get excited about this one, so sorry, hang in there. Good luck at the lunch tomorrow.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. We weren't TTC either (I had my 2 kids when I was married, and both my SO and I said we were done having kids when we met each other,) but now both of us want to try again, we realized just how much we want a baby together. I had a natural m/c years ago that progressed with no issues as well, but just so you know, I spoke with the ER nurse again today and she reassured me that it's perfectly normal for it take a while (as did other lovely ladies here.) I'm sure that for both you and I, our bodies will figure it out and everything will be ok. If you want someone to talk to through this all, feel free to message me, since we are going through this at the same time. 

In other news, my friend who is here is going home tomorrow morning, but my wonderful babysitter (well, my kids previous sitter,) who is like a mom to me and a grandma to my kids, is coming tomorrow afternoon to stay until friday evening. That way I won't be totally alone until Monday. I'm really hoping that the worst of it is over by then,

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tibris*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Hopefully the physical part will be over. The others take so much time. Someone started a thread with pictures of their babies born too soon. It was beautiful and so hard at the same time. I liked it though. I didn't realize I needed to cry some more... but I did and snotted all over DH. He's cool with my snot bubbles... LOL... Take it easy mama, so glad you have someone to help you through.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tibris*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I HATE those dreams. I have them all the time. I absolutely hate waking up from them. The worst ones are the one where I give birth, and then in the dream, I'm looking for my baby and can't find them.

*hugs* for everyone who wants them.

~Rose


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Yep, bedtime has been the worst time, emotionally. I lay awake and wake my poor SO up by clinging to him, then when I do sleep, I have those dreams. Physically, day is worse, so right now I can't win either way.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *RoseRedHoofbeats*
> 
> I HATE those dreams. I have them all the time. I absolutely hate waking up from them. The worst ones are the one where I give birth, and then in the dream, I'm looking for my baby and can't find them.
> 
> ...


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss, too. I don't know what else to say now, but I know you'll get lots of good support here.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you  I am very glad I found this forum, you all have been so wonderful and comforting.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *wilson*
> 
> I'm so sorry for your loss, too. I don't know what else to say now, but I know you'll get lots of good support here.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

New question for any of you who know. I just talked to the "early pregnancy loss clinic" and I have an appt for bloodwork and an ultrasound on friday. They said we will discuss all my options but they will likely give me some kind of medication to take at home to move things along.

For those of you who have taken it, is it effective? How long does it take? They kind of scared me, saying I had to time it when there is definitely an adult home with me because it can increase the risk of hemorraghe a little bit. I'm freaked because the only day SO is home with me is Sunday.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

The drug is probably Cytotec- it will make your uterus contract. The dose is much smaller than what they use to induce labor (that led to uterine rupture, and other complications). It's very effective, and the increased risk is very small. Definitely see if you can find someone to look after your LO this weekend- that's why I ended up using the Cytotec. Even if you don't have to go to the hospital, it takes a lot out of you.

*hugs* if okay.

~Rose


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

Cytotec didn't work well for me, but I don't think that is very common. I read a lot about it and the stories were mostly about intense but short labors and watching for bleeding (but you would anyway). I just cramped and bled like a medium-heavy period for 3 weeks, I had not been bleeding before I took it. It was a week and a half later that I passed the baby and 2 1/2 weeks later that I passed the sac and placenta. I took 2 courses of the meds, 2 doses each course.

I am thinking about you.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you both.

I want to cry right now, I did some reading on Cytotec and am now absolutely terrified. I just want this to happen naturally before friday but the nurse at the early pregnancy loss clinic has me convinced that it won't. She said that something more should be happening after a week of spotting and it sounds like my body needs help with this.

If "help" is as terrible as all the cytotec stories I read, I don't want it. I need this to happen on it's own by friday. I feel my anxiety issues coming back, and feel close to a panic attack.


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## cameragirl (Apr 15, 2010)

I found the site below while I was going through a miscarriage a few months ago. I'm not orthodox, but her description of the process and what to expect helped me through it. I would see if someone can watch your LO, as well. The few days that I was passing clots were pretty emotional, and it helped to just to have quiet and to not worry about watching DH for a little bit.

http://lostinnocentsorthodox.blogspot.com/p/natural-miscarriage.html


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## tibris (Aug 29, 2011)

It may not be cytotec, I've read there is something else (tho I can't remember the name of it now). It sounds like it's oral. I think it was on TWW. I'll go over there and try to find it. If I do I'll edit my post. Sorry I'm not finding it. I want to say it started with an M.

I have experience with cytotec during a birth. No it was not good experience, but I don't want to scare you any more than you already are. You could always bring it home and put it aside. Give your body more time to do it's work on it's own, then use it as a last resort.


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## tangledblue (Apr 5, 2008)

Very sorry for your loss. It is so hard, I know.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thanks all. I'm even more freaked out because I had never even considered that the placenta may not pass, or be hard to pass. I don't remember any of this from my previous m/c and the ER doc told me very little.

I don't ever remember being this scared. Thank you all for your advice, shared experience and comforting words.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tibris*
> 
> It may not be cytotec, I've read there is something else (tho I can't remember the name of it now). It sounds like it's oral. I think it was on TWW. I'll go over there and try to find it. If I do I'll edit my post. Sorry I'm not finding it. I want to say it started with an M.


You might be thinking of misoprostol? It is the same thing as cytotec. You can take it orally or vaginally, although I can't comment much on the process because I have only taken it in connection with my D&Cs, although I did feel a lot of cramping, and had some spotting within an hour or two of taking it. (They usually wait 4 hours after you have the tablets before they take you into surgery)

I have to say that I'm pretty sure that cytotec has been proven to be less effective after about 8 or 9 weeks though.

Also, the EP clinic can't make you take it if you don't want to. It's your choice.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you ladies 

Still pretty bad cramping, and on and off light bleeding. I will tell the EP clinic all my concerns tomorrow and go from there. I will keep you all posted.

I keep hoping that they will do the U/S tomorrow and say "oh they were wrong, there's a good strong heartbeat." I know that's crazy but I can't stop hoping. I had a dream last night, that I miscarried on my own, naturally at home, maybe it's a sign, I dunno.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Had an ultrasound and nothing really has passed. They gave me the prescription for Cytotech, part of me wants to take it and just have this all over with, part of me doesn't. Today it seems like my daughter is getting sick and that worries me, I don't want to be unable to help her, but my SO is only home Sunday, so if I'm going to take it, it has to be started tomorrow evening.


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## tibris (Aug 29, 2011)

:hug: good luck w/ your decision and healing vibes to your daughter.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you 

I just spoke with the nurse from my OB's office, she has taken this drug herself and made me feel much much better about taking it. Also, the OB that saw me at the hospital today knows my regular OB and my OB's nurse reassurred me that this OB is wonderful. They (both my regular and the hospital OB) believe that the mass on my ovary is either just a corpus luteam cyst that hasn't resolved or endometriosis. They both feel that it has nothing to do with my miscarriage or my ability to conceive in the future, and they are not worried about it. That made me feel better too, having heard from 2 OB's that often work closely together.

Keep sending the good thoughts my way, ladies. I will be taking the first dose of the meds tomorrow evening and again Sunday morning. I will keep you all posted as I can. Thank you for all your love and support, it has meant a lot.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Shell, I just followed you over here from the baby gallery thread. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. We have similar experiences because I was totally in shock too, being so far along. The link someone posted earlier, the one about natural miscarriage, is from my site (and I was a little surprised to see it!). Everyone's experience is different, but I tried to detail mine as well as possible to try to help someone else in the same shoes. The doctor here said my only option was a D&C, refused to give me cytotec or misoprostol. I should note that I have no medical or surgical history that would say it's not safe to use, so he was just flat out refusing. I put the D&C date as far into the future as I could and wound up delivering on my own at home a few days later. The doctor was shocked I did it on my own and was ok. (Dolt.)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had the dreams it was all a mistake too and waking up was just nightmarish. I know this doesn't help a bit right now, but I just want to tell you that it does get better with time. My loss was five months ago today and I'm still living and breathing which I didn't expect. ((hugs))


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## cameragirl (Apr 15, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Matushka Anna*
> 
> Shell, I just followed you over here from the baby gallery thread. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. We have similar experiences because I was totally in shock too, being so far along. The link someone posted earlier, the one about natural miscarriage, is from my site (and I was a little surprised to see it!). Everyone's experience is different, but I tried to detail mine as well as possible to try to help someone else in the same shoes. The doctor here said my only option was a D&C, refused to give me cytotec or misoprostol. I should note that I have no medical or surgical history that would say it's not safe to use, so he was just flat out refusing. I put the D&C date as far into the future as I could and wound up delivering on my own at home a few days later. The doctor was shocked I did it on my own and was ok. (Dolt.)
> 
> I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had the dreams it was all a mistake too and waking up was just nightmarish. I know this doesn't help a bit right now, but I just want to tell you that it does get better with time. My loss was five months ago today and I'm still living and breathing which I didn't expect. ((hugs))


It really did help, especially when I was so confused. I got the standard "you'll have cramping, and bleeding, and you'll pass clots." I was still left wondering what that meant, though. The aftercare sheets I was left with were so vague. What would it be like? My miscarriage was much earlier in the pregnancy, but reading stories from other mamas helped me to understand and grieve.

You're in my thoughts, Shell29.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you to both of you. I have been re-reading your m/c story over and over MAnna.

I am trying to mentally prepare myself for tonight and what I'm almost positive is going to be absolute hell, from everything I've read regarding the pain. Not really working, as far as mentally preparing goes though, I'm more just scared and wishing my SO was home so I could start and get this over with.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Shell, my pain was no worse than my normal bad menstrual cramps. I know some people have said the pain was similar to labor pain. I was somewhat worried about it but it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd thought. To be honest, the emotional pain was so bad that finally being in some physical pain was a bit of a relief. I don't know if that makes sense. I was also relieved that I wasn't going to have to go through a D&C. I will say the pain decreased dramatically as soon as the placenta was out and my uterus could clamp down once and for all. I'd say "don't be scared" but of course that sounds ridiculous. I'm really sorry honey.

Cameragirl, the total lack of information was why I did the site to begin with. It's absurd how little women are told to prepare them. I only got information because I posted a plea on my blog that said, "don't comment here, email me and tell me exactly what it's going to be like and don't spare me the gory details because that's what I need." Women did, and thank God for them, because I was prepared going into it.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you, it helps to hear someone else say that it was doable, it was "bearable." Labor pain I could handle, my labors were relatively "easy" and I'm used to some pretty intense menstrual cramps. They told me I can take ibuprofen (which usually really helps me) and the T3's I have. They said I could wait a week and see if I miscarry on my own, then decide whether to go with the meds or D&C but we talked about it, and i can't take another week of waiting and cramps and not knowing, when my kids need me. We just want it over so we can try again.

We really want to avoid the D&C so that we can avoid scarring, I rarely admit this next thing to anyone (only 2 people know) and I feel like a terrible person admitting it here, but I had an abortion a few years ago. My marriage was breaking up and I panicked and let myself get talked into something that I truly regret to this day. I am terrified to cause any more scarring to my uterus that would prevent my SO and I from having a baby together. This was to be out first together (I have 2, he has 1.) I almost feel like this is punishment for that, and that I "deserve" this to happen. To this day I beat myself up about it, but the past is the past. I just pray that we can have one together after this miscarriage, I had a dream that we did, so I'm clinging to the hope that that was a sign. Sorry for rambling, today feels like the longest day ever, waiting for my SO to get home so I can take these meds. I'm very down today, I had started to come to terms with this, but knowing it's going to actually happen soon, is heartbreaking. It doesn't help that my sweet little girl has a cold and is miserable today. I also have a scratchy throat, and that makes me paranoid about taking the meds, but I called the pharmacist and he assured me it's ok, to just take it easy and don't stress myself.

PS. Anyone care to "stay up with" with me tonight and be my support? Lol, I'm kidding (partially) I would never expect people I don't know to stay up all night and "hold my hand." Everything always seems scarier at night and my SO, while he really tries, is pretty crap about the whole support thing. He means well, but just doesn't know what he is doing.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Matushka Anna*
> 
> Shell, my pain was no worse than my normal bad menstrual cramps. I know some people have said the pain was similar to labor pain. I was somewhat worried about it but it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd thought. To be honest, the emotional pain was so bad that finally being in some physical pain was a bit of a relief. I don't know if that makes sense. I was also relieved that I wasn't going to have to go through a D&C. I will say the pain decreased dramatically as soon as the placenta was out and my uterus could clamp down once and for all. I'd say "don't be scared" but of course that sounds ridiculous. I'm really sorry honey.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

It depends on what time zone you're in but I know on the ttcal forum we have people from the other side of the world so I'm sure there are plenty of people who will be up and online if you need support in the wee hours of the night. I'm in central and am usually on reasonably late plus I check in the morning.

I think you're wise to try to avoid a D&C and not only because of the potential for scarring. Generally women do better when they experience delivery and see and hold their babies (or have the opportunity to) rather than having surgery and coming out without baby. The wait for people who have a missed miscarriage is definitely variable. Some people start miscarrying before they knew the baby had died, some people find out and then wait a few weeks. As long as you're not showing any signs of infection you are safe to wait. Our bodies know how to do this on their own, although a little help with cervical ripening or kick-starting contractions can shorten the wait. As hard as it was to wait, I actually treasured the time I had left with my baby. I felt like I had done everything I could to take care of him up to that point and I wanted to continue that until I had laid his body to rest. Delivering him and burying him respectfully was the only thing left I could do for him.

[And parenthetically, I know that this is not the path that everyone chooses and I am not trying to put anyone down for doing differently. There are many circumstances in which a D&C is unavoidable and you have to do what you have to do. I just think that doctors tend to push D&C and not give women any other options which is medically unsound and unethical.]


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you again MAnna  You have been very comforting through this, and I know it sounds silly but I feel like I know you. I'm in Ontario, so eastern time.

I don't have any signs of infection that I know of, but I am fighting a cold today (my daughter has one as I said, and my friend that was here earlier in the week was fighting one, so likely where it came from.) I have a scratchy throat and thought I felt warm, but my temp (oral) was only 37, so I think I'm being paranoid and even if I am a bit warm, likely the result of the cold and not the m/c.My bloodwork yesterday was normal. The pharamcist reassurred me that I am safe to take this even while fighting a cold, I'm just paranoid.

I'm really hoping that I have a chance to see and hold this baby, and would like to bury him or her as well. I haven't spoken to my SO about this, not sure if he will think I'm crazy or not, but even if he does I doubt he would say that.

I prepped this morning, bought more pads, ibuprofen, childrens tylenol for my daughter and popsicles, because whenever I feel like garbage thats what I want. I figured better to have everything now than making my SO go out in the middle of the night. My son is away for the weekend with his grandparents (with both my kids having autism, I try to not send both at the same time, even though they are wonderfully well behaved kids who have come a long way) plus with my daughter not feeling well, I would rather her here with my SO and myself, even though I know I won't be much help to her. My SO has said he will drive us to pick up my son tomorrow evening, so I don't have to worry about that. I think we are ready, physically anyway, mentally and emotionally I don't know, but I do know that I can't take much more uncertainty. I am really hoping that my experience is nowhere near as terrible as I'm thinking it will be. I also bought dinner for tonight, so I don't have to cook and can eat something before taking this med, and my SO said he will order pizza tomorrow, I may not want to eat but at least him and my little girl won't go hungry.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Shell, you're a good mama and they'll be ok. I felt better when I had bought everything and felt prepared (pads, chux, box to bury him in, etc.). This is probably one of the worst things you will ever go through and I'm not talking about tonight (if you deliver tonight), but the entire experience. If you can survive this...

Just something that might make you feel a little better. The absolute worst day I had was the day they told me there was no movement and he had died. It still replays itself in my nightmares sometimes. The night that he was born was not the worst day. Even when you're baby is no longer living, it's still a sweet thing to meet and see him/her for the first time and hold them. I felt like I had done everything I could for him. This will be hard, there's no getting around it, but you will live through it. The sun will keep rising and setting and you will too. The pain is dreadful and don't let anyone tell you that one day you'll "get over it". You never "get over it", but the memory of your child will bring you some happiness as well as sadness one day. I tried to do everything I could to make it a "clean" grief. I didn't deny it. The only regrets I have are these (and I'm telling you so that you can avoid my mistakes if you can):

1. I regret I never kissed him. I don't know what I was thinking. An idiot, I guess.

2. I regret I only took about 20 pictures. I should have taken 100. I kept even the blurry ones because it's all I have.

3. I regret that even if it looked silly I didn't wrap him in a tiny blanket, then a small blanket, then a larger one, and so on, until he was big enough to hold and rock, and then sit and rock him for a while and talk and sing to him.

The things I do not regret:

1. Avoiding a D&C and delivering him in the bathtub by myself.

2. Holding him.

3. Taking photos.

4. Naming him.

5. Making a lovely box for him and burying him with the prayers of our church.

6. Having someone take photos of the burial.

7. Talking about him, writing about him and sharing pictures of him.

I'm here for you if you need someone. And I have friends in Kitchener and Ottawa.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Shell, I'll PM you my email and IM names.

~Rose


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you so much for sharing so openly with me.  I will do my best to avoid the mistakes you mentioned. I don't want regret.

So far, the hardest day for me was also when the ER doctor came in and said "the ultrasound doesn't look good, there's no heartbeat." All I could say was "ok" (my SO was home watching my kids, so I was there alone.) The doctor said "you seem like a rational person, so I'm sure you'll be fine." I remember thinking "well what good will it do to cry to a complete stranger? I would rather wait until I'm home with my family to stop being rational." That moment was far more difficult than even the days my kids were diagnosed with autism, granted, I knew, I had "self diagnosed" and then pushed for their evaluations. Even so getting that news, on 2 occasions was hard, but I remember thinking then "ok, well, we will do whatever it takes and they are my babies, I wouldn't change them for the world." I remember thinking then, that those 2 days were probably the hardest days I would ever have. I was wrong. I'm rambling again and off on a tangent. I guess I'm just saying that while last sunday was probably the most difficult day I've ever had, I am hoping that I can make this baby's "birth" something "good" in spite of the terrible circumstances. I think I am as prepared as I can be.

Thank you again for all your support, it means more than I can possibly express right now.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you so much. The kindness I have found from you ladies is so overwhelming, it just amazes me that strangers can be so loving and caring.  I really shouldn't be surprised though, it's what moms do!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *RoseRedHoofbeats*
> 
> Shell, I'll PM you my email and IM names.
> 
> ~Rose


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## KodyAnn (May 27, 2008)

Oh, honey, I know exactly what you are going through, and it isn't fun. But, it gets better!

I lost our baby #3 at 12 weeks last month, but found out the baby had actually died over a month prior. Horrible - I was alone for the Doppler and ultrasounds in the office. Thankfully, my OB is about my age, his wife is a midwife, they just had their own baby, and he's very "human." I kind of am in love with him in a non-romantic way.

I was given 4 choices - let the miscarriage complete, take misoprostol (sp?), have a manual vacuum aspiration (an abortion-like procedure), or a D&C under general anesthesia.

I chose the MVA because we could do it the very next day. I was very uncomfortable knowing that I had a dead baby inside me. It freaked me out more than anything. Had the MVA, it was the worst pain I've ever experienced and the epinepherine in the lido gave me full body shakes. HORRIBLE. And then he (tried to) discretely leave the room with the baby in a stainless bowl and I started crying all over again.

Once the procedure was over and we were on the way home, I felt so much better emotionally. It was over (I thought), and we could move on. I am a huge fan of closure.

I bled/spotted for 5 days, and on the 6th day I started bleeding heavily and passing large clots. Was given methergine and sent for a comprehensive ultrasound. The methergine actually made everything worse - more bleeding, larger clots, etc etc. By the end of the evening I was in for a D&C under anesthesia. Pathology found nothing there that didn't belong there (no placenta, etc), and my OB suspects there was inflamation where the placenta attached to the uterine wall. I spotted for only a couple of days, and that was that.

I ovulated 19 days after my MVA and we're currently in the 2WW, actively trying to conceive with my doctor's permission and encouragement. In the horribly unlikely event that this would happen again, I would go right for the D&C.

I'm still grieving, have a hard time with the "pity faces" and hugs... but in generally I think emotionally I am much better a month out. My little girls are even doing well - my 3 1/2 year old keeps asking about the baby that isn't in my tummy anymore, if it was a boy or a girl, etc etc, but we've explained that it went to heaven before we could know if it was a boy or a girl.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

I'm getting ready to take my first dose. Just took an Ibuprofen and in half an hour I'm putting my daughter to bed, eating and taking the first dose.

I am starting to get really panicky about this, I'm mostly afraid I will bleed too much and need to go to the hospital. My daughter isn't feeling well, even if I'm exhausted and out of it, she needs me around. Keep sending the good thoughts for it to work as it's supposed to with no complications.


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## KodyAnn (May 27, 2008)

You can do it. You'll be just fine. We're here for you!


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## cameragirl (Apr 15, 2010)

I'm in CA and will likely be on until around 11 or 12 our time if you need anyone. I'll check back, and please feel free to send me a message if you need to talk.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you ladies,

I just took my first dose (next is in the morning.) Trying to stay calm and tell myself that everything will be fine and nothing horrible will happen. I really hope I'm right.

Thanks again for all your support.


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## KodyAnn (May 27, 2008)

Think more of "I'll have some cramping and heavy period-like bleeding" rather than "what if I...." Think positive, mama. It will help everything.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you (I feel like a broken record lol) that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I have a little mantra on repeat in my head "it will work and I will be fine, there will be no complications." Over and over. I know how important positive thinking is, so that's what I'm trying my best to do even though it's incredibly hard.

It doesn't help that I have this stupid cold and just want to go to bed.

I have decided to stick with just the ibuprofen and only add the tylenol 3's in if the pain gets to be too much. The T3's make me feel so tired and I want to be as coherent as possible.


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## tibris (Aug 29, 2011)

You're going to be fine!!


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

I am! You're right  I'm already starting to feel "odd" strange feelings in my uterus, can't describe it, not cramping, not tightening, just strange. I could be imagining things though since I already feel crummy with this cold. Hopefully, if I feel bad dizzy I will be able to tell, the cold already has me feeling a little light headed.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tibris*
> 
> You're going to be fine!!


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

I'm going to be on here and there checking on you tonight and tomorrow. I'm PM-ing you too...


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you 

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Matushka Anna*
> 
> I'm going to be on here and there checking on you tonight and tomorrow. I'm PM-ing you too...


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Update for anyone who is following this. I took the Cytotec about 3 hrs ago, I feel a little bit of cramping (almost a tight pinching feeling in my uterus) and the bleeding has picked up a little bit, just a bit more than spotting. I feel restless and weird but so far, ok. I tried to fall asleep but it didn't work, so I'm hanging out here with all you lovely ladies. The SO is snoring away beside me, but told me to wake him at any point if I need him or just want him to keep an eye on me.

I will keep you all updated as long as I'm able too. Thank you for all your love and support, it has been a blessing during this difficult time and I'm not sure how I would be getting through this without you all.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

It's over, the worst of it was from 2:30 am until he was born just after 4:30am. Even then, the pain was comparable to labor pains just before transition starts. I held him, and took pictures, which I will add to the picture thread tomorrow (or later today I guess.) I feel a lot of peace and closure, it is/was heartbreaking but I'm so glad it was peaceful and easy, for him and me.

Quick question for anyone who may be up and reading this, is it possible to pass baby, sac and placenta all in one? I'm almost positive that is what happened, as it was much larger than baby alone and I had to open it all up and cut the cord to detach him from it. I just want to be sure that I passed everything I should have. Still bleeding a bit but nothing excessive as of now. I'm a little afraid to take the 2nd dose of cytotec in a few hours, but I'm assuming there is a reason for 2 doses, and they never said anything about not taking the 2nd dose if everything happens after only the first.

Thank you ladies, for all your love and support.

A special thanks to MAnna, for staying with me through PM's and checking on me and giving me so much support and advice. You are a truly amazing woman and I can't thank you enough.









I'm still cramping a tiny bit, but it's more annoying than painful.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Pretty sure that I passed all the important stuff in one hit also. (My first loss was spontaneous @ 12.5 weeks)

Be prepared to pass more blood and clots and stuff over the next 48 hours or so though - that happened to me.

It was painful and scary - I was not expecting it at all. I think that it just helps if you know that it is normal.

I'm glad that it has gone pretty smoothly so far...


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Shell, get plenty of rest mama, sorry you had to go through all this. I hope for peace and calm. Lots of hugs and love.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you, both of you 

I just took my last dose of the Cytotec even though I didn't want to, figured since they never said not to take it if I passed everything after the first dose, that I better take it. I made my dd her breakfast (she seems to be feeling better after a good nights sleep  ) and the SO has gone to get us a coffee as a treat. Decaf for me and just a small, but still. He slept through mostly everything,rolling over to ask how I was doing every so often. I gave him more details this morning, he handled it all pretty well until I told him that I was able to tell that it was a boy, then he got visibly choked up, that's the first time I've ever seen him get like that. I told him that he is in the freezer until we figure out where we would like bury him etc, so if he wants to see him, he can. He didn't really answer me and I'm not going to push him. The only other thing he asked me this morning is when I think we may be able to start trying again (once he knew I'm feeling as good as can be expected physically and mentally of course.)

He has instructed me to go back to bed and he will watch my dd for me. I only got about 3 hrs sleep last night, so I could definitely use it, I'm just hoping that the 2nd dose of cytotec lets me sleep this time, I'm assuming it will since the majority is out now.

Thanks again for everything.


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## tibris (Aug 29, 2011)

Hope you're getting some good sleep! I'm glad to hear everything went as well as it could.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Yes, I got everything out in one go with my first miscarriage.

Get some sleep. *hugs*

~Rose


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thanks, tibris. I slept for about 4 hrs, still laying down and tired but not too bad. The 2nd dose of Cytotec hasn't made me feel nearly as crappy as the first and it's been 8 hrs.

Thank you, Rose. I'm sorry we didn't get to chat last night or today, but thank you so much for all your info.


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## KodyAnn (May 27, 2008)

You are a strong woman. Let yourself heal and grieve. When you are ready, take some time for yourself and see if you can get someone to watch the kids so you can go get a pedicure or coffee or something on your own. A little pampering goes a long way.

It's OK to cry, even in front of your kids. I did it; my girls knew about the baby and that the baby went to Heaven and even my littlest will come and just hug me when I can't take it and cry. All grief heals with time, though the amount of time varies.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you, KodyAnn. This friday coming, the kids are having a sleepover at my sitters as we have a jack and jill to go to. My sitter just called to tell me that she wants me to get the kids later Saturday afternoon so that I can have a morning to myself on Saturday. I will try to spoil myself.


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## tibris (Aug 29, 2011)

Hey Shell! I just wanted to tell you I've been thinking about you. I saw your little one's pics in the other thread - He's beautiful.


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Aw, thank you, tibris. I've been thinking about you as well, how are you doing?


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## tibris (Aug 29, 2011)

I'm doing alright  We're back on the ttc wagon, so as well as any obsessive woman can be


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Lol, we will be back on the TTC bandwagon as soon as the bleeding is totally finished, so hopefully very soon. I'm obsessive by nature so I totally understand.


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## cameragirl (Apr 15, 2010)

I know that it is really crummy timing on your body's part, but you are more fertile right now. I got pregnant less than three weeks after my miscarriage, which was a complete shock to me. After trying so long, I couldn't believe that it would be so easy. When I saw my OB, she essentially said "I told you so." Good luck with the ttc. I'll be wishing for a sticky bean for you!


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## Shell29 (Sep 2, 2011)

Thank you cameragirl  I'm really hoping the TTC goes quickly, although then I suppose I will have a whole new set of worries.


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