# Will I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel?



## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

I am having another miscarriage. Are all the odds stacked against me?
What could be wrong with my body?
Is it too much to ask for another baby?
We did everything right. We are married, in a stable and happy relationship. We have a house, a car. DH has a good full time job with benefits and I have a good part time job that works really well around and with our family (I can take my son with me if he wants to go, I have been given the okay to have a baby with me as well, etc) - and we are financially capable. We are ready for another child. DS is ready for a sibling. I am ready for my vaginal birth and my lost breastfeeding relationship.
My SIL is TTC...how can I even stand to be around come Christmas if she is pregnant? I dont even want to think about it. I cant even see me standing being near her - especially since her life is so different it just feels like she gets everything she ever wants handed to her (long story short, she has just moved out of the house at 26 and is only now starting to live for herself with her 1000th boyfriend whom she cant even marry as he is already married but cant find his wife! - And who are both counting on the states benefits to have a child - to pay for her rent and bills as they wont be able to afford that due to their measly part time wages (she never even finished school). Does this make her a bad person - of course not. But it certainly makes the world feel so fucking unfair right now. I know I sound horrible but you know, having a baby die out of you makes you feel like that. I started thinking 'we cant even adopt!'...what would they think to the fact DS doesnt even have a bed as we co sleep!


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## KristaH (Jul 15, 2005)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry. I feel your broken heart through your words.









I wish there were answers...


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I'm so terribly, terribly sorry for your loss ... and yes, I'm there with you screaming it's not fair - because losing a child isn't ever fair.


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## dani76 (Mar 24, 2004)

Ann, I'm so very sorry for your loss. It is definitely effing unfair.


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## Katica (Jan 13, 2008)

Words cannot express how sorry I am







Be gentle with yourself.

A couple of days ago my 5th friend announced that she is pregnant. She was all chatty and happy to tell that it happened on the first try. I wasn`t angry (although it took me two months after the m/c to get rid of my jealousy) but I`m so sad inside too. When is it our turn?


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## Rose-Roget (May 25, 2008)

Oh Ann! I remember you from the May DDC. I am so sorry to hear that. Take good care of yourself.


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

I am so very sorry for your loss


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

no wisdom. Just hugs.

hang in there.

-Angela


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## minimunklemama (Nov 24, 2004)

Oh Ann,I am So so sorry.I was rooting for you,I so was








My stomach dropped when I saw this post


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## Staciemao (Feb 15, 2008)

I couldn't read this and not post, Ann. I had several miscarriages in between my two children and remember these feelings so well. At one point I was in a Bible study with FOUR pregnant women. I eventually had to drop out...if I heard one more complaint about how awful pregnancy was I was going to scream.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you are NOT alone. Big, big, big


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Oh no!! I'm so sorry Ann, I know you from the ec boards and was so sorry to hear about your last m/c.







I'm sorry you have to be going through this again!!!


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I am so sorry sweetie. I am from the UK originally actually, but have gone stateside, as it were and now live in MN - I've been here for about four years or so.

I am so sorry for your loss. We just lost our daughter too and it doesn't make a difference when it happens - it's life, and then it's not life, you know? We are going to see what happens again in a few months (that's how Josie came about - we just said "whatever will be will be") and I wonder if I will have a miscarriage as well, since some people do after stillbirth - some don't, some do.

My mother had three miscarriages and one stillbirth. She also had FOUR (and still does - but we're grown ups now!) healthy children! Two of them came after the stillbirth and then a miscarriage. You are a lifegiver - you can produce a healthy child - you really can. Your Duncan is such a gorgeous cutie pie - he'll get a little brother or sister. Don't blame yourself for this - it's not your fault, or your body's fault. Life is life. Nobody is handed anything really, I don't think - not even your SIL. Really, even if she had a baby, do you think it would cure her problems? Would it make her a better person?

I don't think that there are plans in life for anything. We find meaning in everything - and that's good really, but I don't think there's anyone sadistic or illogical sitting on a cloud dishing out punishment to some, reward to others. It doesn't make sense to me. What does is the presence of life in the world - that, to me, is what others call God. That presence doesn't make plans for us (in my opinion) - but, we can take strength from it in times of trouble like this.

Big hugs to you


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## Roygbiv (Oct 17, 2008)

I'm so so sorry. That's horrible and something I'm sure you thought wouldn't happen again. UGH.
I share an office with someone whose wife is 22 weeks and they were talking on the phone about her needing new clothes. Meanwhile, i'm still bleeding from my miscarriage and pretending not to listen.
It's so hard to think about others becoming pregnant or preparing for pregnancy when you're going through loss like this. I think it's totally normal and I think you need to do whatever it is that helps you because right now, it really is all about you. Try to take it one day at a time and don't focus on Christmas or what may or may not happen to your sister. I probably wouldn't even think of adoption right now. Until you find out you can't have more children, don't focus on that what-ifs. You can't because you'll tear yourself up and you need to take care of yourself.
Keep posting here and get this out of your system, all of it. The anger the sadness, whatever it is. Just keep talking about it. We're all here to listen.
Much love to you. This sucks to go through, to say the least. I'm so sad right now for my loss and yours and all the other women here.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

Thank you all for your kind responses and thoughts.
I am feeling a little better today - but it never really goes away...
I made myself an appointment with the GP though and she has refered me to someone who takes great interrested in fertility/infertility issues. So hopefully they can dig a bit deeper and find out what its going on in there and help me find how I can, if possible, have a baby that sticks.


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## blissful_maia (Feb 17, 2005)

I'm so, so sorry mama. I know how much wanted these little ones were.







I hope you can get some answers and guidance from your GP.


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## Blucactus (Nov 20, 2006)

So sorry Ann...so sad to read this post...


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## WeasleyMum (Feb 27, 2007)

(((Ann))) I know how you feel. I'm so sorry.


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## clavicula (Apr 10, 2005)

Sorry, Ann! I have no words just a big







Can't wait to hear good news from you!


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## usmcwfe (Aug 17, 2006)

I'm so sorry Ann. I know its hard to see other people experiencing the joy that you once had. But I think its important to get angry or get upset about how unfair it is. There is a lady at my dd's school who sends me up a wall. She is pregnant with her "oops" baby, we have the same due date. Last Friday I had to volunteer at the school for their halloween festival. On my way there I had to pick up my baby's cremated remains at the funeral home. When I got there some of the moms were dressed up in costumes and this lady was dressed in this fancy white gown with HUGE angel wings. And she sat there saying "Someone get this pregnant lady a drink! Someone help this pregnant lady move this! I'm soooo tired! " Blah blah... And I'm sitting a few yards next to her trying not to break down in front of the kids because I had my baby in a alittle box in my glove compartment. That was a long, long afternoon. I think its just hard because we shared a due date and I can see her belly growing the way mine would have. It is unfair and I get mad too. But i cant exlain why some peole lose their babies and others dont. There will come a time when we'll be able to tolerate all of this, just not quite yet. Take good care of yourself.


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