# Differences in attractiveness of children?



## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

I'm not sure where to put this so mods you can move if you have to.

I'm having a little anxiety over something that might never be an issue, but I'm worried nonetheless. I'm also going to try to word this properly so bear with me.

DS is 2.5 and he's reallly over the top beautiful. He models and books a ton of jobs and already has a nice hunk of change saved up for himself. Everywhere he goes people comment on his looks and to top it off, he's also a very kind sweet agreeable child. We got lucky I guess.

Well I'm pregnant with a daughter and she's due in a few months.

Here's my fear: if she's not as beautiful as her brother, how will this affect her? And here's the reason for my fears...I've seen it. I've seen families fuss and fuss over the "beautiful" kid and never give the same attention to the other one. Or I"ve seen strangers come up and comment and fuss over the beautiful one and not even cast a glance at the other child. It hurts the other one SO CLEARLY and yet nobody notices. (FYI-I'm more concerned about extended family and friends and starngers, not us...we'll love them both and fuss over them equally of course, ) Heck, DH's own family does it to his neice. One of DH's neices is stop-traffic beautiful. The other neice is perfectly lovely, but yes, to be honest her sister is simply stunning. EVERYONE talks openly about how beautiful neice #2 is IN FRONT OF #1. It's been going on as long as I've known DH- 10 years. I can think of at least 4 other families throughout my lifetime that had the same thing going on.

Personally, I don't like to focus on looks. I've struggled in the past with ED's and looks are not something I want either child to think much of. (The modeling will come to a stop when DS is old enough to understand what it can mean socially if you know what I mean, right now all he thinks is YAY we get to go to the city and take pictures)

So I guess I'm looking for advice. How do I handle it if there is a difference in my two children? How to I encourage others not to make comments or draw distinctions. If strangers do, how do I handle it? Has anyone BTDT?

Thanks and sorry this is so long and all over the place...


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I wouldn't focus on looks for either. And what you do in your house is a bigger deal than what other people do, but I'd try to minimize that as much as you can.

Here's my story. I was a funny looking kid but an attractive teenager. My sister was a ridiculously beautiful child, but an unattractive teenager. She was hurt much more than I was. My looks were never important to me, but it was much harder for her because she'd wrapped up her whole sense of self-worth in her looks. So be careful with your ds too.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I used to work for this math institute that held a program for profoundly mathematically gifted kids every year. One year, we had a reporter come in to do a feature on one kid (he'd been nominated for a scholarship or fellowship or something, I forget what). The reporter mentioned to me that this one kid was really exceptional, and I answered "we think all of these kids are exceptional." I think my tone was pretty casual, it wasn't a big deal to me, but all of a sudden, I have this reporter falling all over himself to apologize and explain and whatever. The result of this experience is that if someone compliments one of my kids while I'm out in public, my answer is going to fall along the lines of "I'm lucky to have two gorgeous children," or "all of my kids are lovely." I'd probably try the same line on family if there was a need. If you want to be sure not to offend people, smile besottedly while you say it - but lots of moms find that hard to avoid.

You say that your son is over the top gorgeous, and also sweet and agreeable. There are a bazillion beautiful children in the world, they can and do hire the ones who are easy to work with for modeling jobs. So it might help you to get the focus off of looks if you keep in mind that even the thing that's hypothetically all about looks is strongly related to personality and behavior.


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## Jenifer76 (Apr 20, 2005)

I was a really cute baby but peaked at about 5 and it was all down hill from there. HA. (Mostly kidding.)

I wouldn't make an issue where there isn't one. ((hug))


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## GoestoShow (Jul 15, 2009)

.


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## Icehockey18 (Oct 24, 2009)

I would agree that what you do at home has more of an effect than strangers, but the strangers could still cause a stir. I agree with a PP, if others only comment ds, them add that BOTH your children are adorable, they should get the hint..
I've sort of btdt... I nannied two kids That were 22 mo apart. The older girl was awkward looking wore 'coke bottle' glasses and had sever allergies that made her always have to eat differently. The younger boys was adorable!!! Complete strangers would stop, compliment the boy, and then just look at the girl







they were still young when I stopped working for them (5 and 3) so I don't know how they 'turned out', but I always tried to make the older girl feel special in all of her interests... I don't remember exactly how I handles the strangers' comments.... I was young and probably could have done a better job at deflecting, but I don't recall..
Anyway, I also agree with PP, looks change- and really fast in kids- focus on innr beauty!!!!!!


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

its not just comparisons about looks. there is the whole thing about personality too. the outgoing gregrarious personality is good and the shy is bad.

this is what i have brought up my dd to believe. she is who SHE decides she is. others will say things, but they are THEIR opinions. it has nothing to do with who she thinks she is. so some may like it, some may not.

my brother was drop dead gorgeous. i am a plane jane compared to him. yet everyone liked my personality compared to my brother. so while he got the wow handsome comment, i got the wow she is such a happy social child comment.

my dd is 'chubby'. like her dad she carries baby fat on her. she is very active so i know its not a diet or medical issue. however sometimes she gets teased in school by teh super thin kids. and she handles it on her own without getting feelings hurt. she is who SHE is, not what others say who she is.

no matter waht the world says, it all depends on you. what the parents do is KEY!!!!


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Obviously, we can only control what we can control.

We can't control what others say and do, but we can control how we respond. You can respond to comments with something that includes both your children, like "Thank you. Our children are beautiful inside and out!".

If you celebrate each child for who they are, they will have a good chance of growing up feeling good about who they are. Don't worry about the differences, and don't borrow trouble









Signed: Late Bloomer


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I modeled and acted as a child. Yes, the money is nice, but it's anxiety-provoking for a child, actually.

So if you really don't want the world focused on your children's looks, I'd suggest getting your son out of modeling.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
I modeled and acted as a child. Yes, the money is nice, but it's anxiety-provoking for a child, actually.

So if you really don't want the world focused on your children's looks, I'd suggest getting your son out of modeling.


I agree 100 percent here... Even when you stop Op your other child will know about the first's modeling days. Putting a child in activities like that places importance on their looks.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
So if you really don't want the world focused on your children's looks, I'd suggest getting your son out of modeling.

agreed.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

It's not quite as bad for a sister/brother as it is for a sister/sister. (no experience for brother/brother.)

The comments from others start in about fourth-ish grade with the "Oh, Mark is your brother? He's sooo cute". But, when it's a little sister, it usually works out in her favor. My brother was very good looking and popular growing up, so I had a lot of fun hanging out with him in high school. I wouldn't have traded that for anything in the world. He's 50 years old and I still get comments on my facebook about how he's still hot. I'm happy for him.

I grew up with a lot of friends with sisters. The "Your sister is so pretty" comments really hurt when the notsopretty sister is in their pre-teens. Nobody means to make hurtful comments, but it still hurts. One of my best friends has three daughters. One is breathtakingly beautiful, the other two are average looking at best. Nobody focuses on the middle child's looks, but the oldest daughter notices the differences. It bothers her so much. She's great about it, but it still hurts her. All girls go through that "I wish I had longer eyelashes" Or "I wish I could tan like that girl".

The hard truth is, people say things. Not to be hurtful, but they say things before they think it through. People Do judge on looks. It's human nature. Teenage girls will be friends with the younger sister, just to hang out near the older brother and his friends. It's just how it works.


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
agreed.

Agree also


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
So if you really don't want the world focused on your children's looks, I'd suggest getting your son out of modeling.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 

So if you really don't want the world focused on your children's looks, I'd suggest getting your son out of modeling.

Agree. I'm pretty puzzled by this thread, to be honest.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *D_McG* 
Agree. I'm pretty puzzled by this thread, to be honest.


I'm not puzzled by it. I think we all have thougths and worries that other people might not understand. I know when i was pregnant, I thought about how my child would look. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I even felt jealous of other kids who's hair was longer or thicker. Once, I bought a book about how to do a little girl's hair... even though my little girl didn't have any hair.


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

I agree with all of the agree-ers. If you don't want an issue around looks, do not focus your first child's activities on looks in a formal manner like modelling, and cultivate other aspects of who they are that aren't based in something they cannot change or work towards. Simple. Your household and your views on your child are what directly impacts them the most. You can't change the views of anyone else.

TBH, your child modeling is an aspect of YOUR issues/needs/goals/etc., not his. He did not declare himself 'over the top beautiful', get head shots, call the agent and drive himself to shoots. It really speaks to YOUR value system.

You can't really have it both ways...going over the top with descriptions of your child's beauty, then worrying about other people judging #2 for lack of beauty in relation to #1.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
I'm not puzzled by it. I think we all have thougths and worries that other people might not understand. I know when i was pregnant, I thought about how my child would look. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I even felt jealous of other kids who's hair was longer or thicker. Once, I bought a book about how to do a little girl's hair... even though my little girl didn't have any hair.

No, I get that. I don't get someone who wants to de-emphasize the importance of physical attractiveness having their kid in modeling....


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

hmmm...not sure how much bearing this has, but it's _really_ not about looks.

When I look back on my teens, I was...stunning. I had absolutely no idea until I was _30_, and saw an old pic of a group of us, and asked my cousin who the gorgeous brunette was, and she cracked up. I was a serious looker, and I had no clue (and, yes, looking back, people told me, but I didn't believe them, and never _felt_ like one of the "beautiful people").

My sister was, imo, very pretty. But, she wasn't as cute, in a physical way, as I was when we were babies/very young children, and probably not as stunning as a teen/young woman. I was just a really, really gorgeous baby. She was a regular, cute, cuddly baby. (She had a _much_ cuter personality, though...she was a huge cuddler. Actually, now that I think about it, dd1 and dd2 are very similar. DD2 is immensely cute, but dd1 was _beautiful_, in a way babies usually aren't.)

My sister hated it. She hated that people loved my smile. She hated that I had bigger boobs than her. She hated that I had "perfect" cheekbones.

I hated it, too. I hated that people would say I had a beautiful smile or perfect cheekbones, but it was my sister who had total strangers walk up to her with a rose, or ask her for a date, or whatever. I may have been "the beautiful one"...but she was the one who got the attention! Maybe not as kids, but definitely as teens. I was gorgeous. She was outgoing, vivacious and a total man magnet. *sigh*

I have no idea if any of that helps. But, I really think the key is to play to each child's strengths - skills, abilities, personality traits (especially personality traits!) - and not worry to much about looks within your own family.

And...that actually hurt to re-read. I sound like _such_ a braggart. I swear, I'm really not. I never felt like I was pretty at all back then (and don't think I'm pretty now, either - I think I _was_ pretty). My sister is _way_ prettier than I am now. She also gets way more attention than I do, but it doesn't bother me, anymore. I have dh, and a few good friends, and that's all I really need, yk?


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

I think it's a fair question. I'm frankly concerned about with LO #2 due Monday and DS being an EXTREMELY cute and personable child. He gets comments all the time, and I have this anxiety that LO #2 is going to somehow be second fiddle if he/she is less attractive/less smart/less personable/less whatever. I think it's natural to worry a bit.

HOWEVER...I agree that how YOU handle it will have a big impact. Make it a point to NOT focus on that aspect of your children. And don't try to compare them anyway; each child is such an individual it's not worth the anxiety trying to figure it out.

I also agree with the PPs who suggested taking your DS out of modeling. It may have been fine up to now, but maybe it's time to call it off and get DS into some less looks-oriented activities. (And as another PP said, remember that personality has a LOT to do with modeling/acting bookings as well...they won't take kids who are difficult to work with no matter how stunning.) Not judging you here, but we specifically did NOT put DS into modeling stuff because we looked into it and decided there was too much nasty stuff there...the emphasis on looks being only part of it.

Anyway, I think you will find your new DD will be as much a joy as your DS. Try not to worry. Enjoy.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

The original post seems to have been deleted but from what I can tell from the responses, I'd just throw in that my DD was accepted into a baby modeling agency and the whole process of even signing her up and seeing if they'd take her confirmed for me why there was NO way I was gonna have her do it. She was only 6 months when they signed her up, and my plan was to only have her doing it until she was like 1 1/2 yrs or so, i.e. until she'd really understand how much people were focusing on how she looked.

But I realized that she'd be affected from day 1, that for me it wasn't good for HER, and if she had a sibling that didn't get accepted, that would have been a deal-breaker too because then I would worry about the impact on each of them of one of them modeling.

To each their own, but I guess I share in the puzzled folks who wonder why anyone who is concerned about others prioritizing their kid's looks would have that kid modeling? That's exactly why my kid doesn't model.


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

I wouldn't focus on looks. Our kids barely have any sort of idea around physical appearances. When my youngest does something sweet like cuddle a teddy, my oldest will often say "He's so cute" but it's focused on the action. Occasionally, we'll say they look handsome when they're dressed up, but really, looks are pretty much off the charts in our house.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

When the boys were little, DS1 was "the smart one" (he was average looking but wicked, crazy smart), and DS2 was "the cute one" (god-awful cute, charming, above-average intelligence but not shockingly smart).

I don't think either of them has been _too_ insulted by anyone. DS1 really couldn't care less what anyone thinks of him, anyway. That's just his personality. I think DS2 might be a little insecure about whether he's smart enough or not....he always tries to be right in arguments and sometimes cooks up tall tales to appear more interesting.

But really, as they've gotten older, the difference in appearance is less. DS1's features have become more refined and DS2 is going through a bit of an awkward stage....so nobody comments anymore on how cute he is (except the random girl here or there).


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I'm finding it difficult to understand why someone "not focused on looks" would in fact, focus on her son's appearance to the extent of commodifying it.

I agree with pp that it's time to get out of modeling. No matter what your daughter looks like, simply by being a part of your family she's going to get the message that good looks = attention and money. Is that really the message you want to convey - whether she's pretty or not?


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
So if you really don't want the world focused on your children's looks, I'd suggest getting your son out of modeling.

Completely agreed.

YOUR actions will speak to your son and daughter much more loudly than anyone else's comments.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Growing up as the duller, plainer one in the family, it wasn't really a big deal. People valued me for other things and that's ok. I think the main thing is that children feel loved and appreciated for who they are.


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## southernmama (May 1, 2004)

We are blessed with 2 beautiful kids, but younger ds 4 is really really "good looking" with a personality that blows most folks away- super verbal and outgoing and hilarious. Add to that that dd (who is beautiful, but in a quiet soulful way) is 7 and folks just tend to comment on the younger of the two- because face it babies and toddlers are cute - like a puppy is cute.

My two cents is that it will all balance out. New baby will get lots of attention- being the baby will carry her for years and by the time she is old enough to know better ds will enter the awkward kid phase and it will balance out. DD so far has not once seemed put off by brother's compliments. She herself constantly tells him how smart he is and what a great little guy he is.

In my opinion he may have the knock em dead looks, but she has the soul of an angel and is becoming a beauty in her own way- a beauty that will last long after her boobs sag and she has crow's feet like her mama! (um, the saggy boobs and crow's feet part is like me- i am not nearly as good of a person as dd)


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## Catubodua (Apr 21, 2008)

i know someone who was the ugly duckling in a family of beautiful sisters. there were 4 sisters - the average looking one, two beautiful ones and one that is take your breath away beautiful.

the woman has had issues her whole life and her parents were responsible for most of them. her mom constantly made comments about looks and would be on her ass about wearing her hair a different way or losing weight (if you can't be pretty, you can at least be skinny







) or whatever.

so, while outsiders will say hurtful / stupid things, the way the parents handle things is WAAAYYY more important.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

As a mom of a dd, I wouldn't want modeling to have any place in my family. That's just me, dealing w/the pressures of preteen years, but I would get it all away from my family without a second thought.

But, perhaps the crux of your question is how it feels to be bringing a second child into your family? I think we all have moments of wondering what it will be like, how the siblings will impact each other, do we have enough energy, love, etc. When our first seems so perfect, and we're so in love, it's hard sometimes to imagine that it will all be fine with the second. It will be, but it's normal to wonder.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

All of my children have stolen the show at one time or another. I have never made a big deal about it. if they noticed I would just remind them there was a time where people treated them the same way.


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## honey-lilac (Jun 30, 2009)

Cultivating a positive "everyone is beautiful" body image ethos is good for everyone in the family, whether or not they conform to society's standards of "prettiness".

My son is quite handsome but has something of a... challenged personality... he has special needs that make him difficult. He's not sweet and cute, to say the least. If any stranger is commenting it's an under-the-breath comment about being spoiled or something - he screams if he doesn't get his way, he is not friendly, he shouts... he's "that kid". What can I say, I love him to death but if he wasn't my own son, I'm not sure I'd want to spend much time with him. I'm sorry if that is a mean thing to say but I'm trying to see it from a stranger's perspective. He's not pleasant (most of the time; sometimes he can be wonderful, but it all depends).

My daughter is, well... she hasn't quite made it out of the ugly duckling phase.







She has potential - lovely eyes - but she still only has this little mini-Afro of baby fuzz mixed in with bald spots, she's got about three chins including a masculine cleft, a huge pot belly she's always playing with (her belly button is her lovely or something)... She is definitely not a huge looker. BUT. She gets so many positive comments though from strangers because she is ADORABLE. She talks up a storm in a really adorable little voice, makes cute comments, is friendly, and has a personality like no other. Very smart little thing.


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## honey-lilac (Jun 30, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karne* 
But, perhaps the crux of your question is how it feels to be bringing a second child into your family? I think we all have moments of wondering what it will be like, how the siblings will impact each other, do we have enough energy, love, etc. When our first seems so perfect, and we're so in love, it's hard sometimes to imagine that it will all be fine with the second. It will be, but it's normal to wonder.


ITA with that insight.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karne* 
When our first seems so perfect, and we're so in love, it's hard sometimes to imagine that it will all be fine with the second. It will be, but it's normal to wonder.

This makes a lot of sense to me. Since your son's looks are something you value about him that you feel make him special, you wonder might be wondering what will make your new baby special and not be clear on all the other things beside looks that make a child wonderful.

As far as the comments of others, since you are the mommy you have a lot more control than you realize. One of my children is gifted and one has special needs, and I've talked to my family about the things they say. Both of my kids know they are loved and valued for exactly who they are even though they are VERY different people.

I believe our kids are best off when we see them for who they truly are -- their spirit or soul or highest self (whatever words work for you). I think they have the greatest chance for happiness when we see our role as helping them become who they truly are, the best versions of themselves. Exactly how beautiful or exactly how smart are just details.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I don't think you'll have a problem, honestly, because they're going to comment on your daughter because she's a girl. My boys are both classically beautiful (big round blue eyes, platinum blonde hair, perfect round features), and -- don't tell her I said this -- my daughter is a very pretty little girl but more plain/less oustanding than my boys in looks. Plus my boys are both very outgoing & outwardly happy, and my daughter is more introspective and quiet (and has a tendency to just stare at people blankly when they talk to her, lol). But she gets three times the compliments the boys do, and I think it's just because she's a girl, so therefore wears cute, girly clothes & has long, pretty hair. People tend to compliment/comment on girl babies/kids more in general, I think, or at least in my experience they have.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Oh, and the chances of you having one stunning kid & one truly UGLY kid are pretty low, I would think. I mean, I'm sure it happens, but I would think it would be rare.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

Thanks for all of the replies.

As a former ugly duckling- I know what it can be like to be teased and poked fun of. It hurts. So I'm sensitive when I see family/friends/strangers make a fuss over one child while the other is just ignored.

As for modeling to be quite honest it's been a great experience so far. The agency we're with operates very differently from the industry norm...which is why we're with them. Our experience has been 100% positive so far. If that changes, we'll stop. Frankly, we probably won't have the time when #2 arrives anyway so we'll have to stop.


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## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

I'm a former ugly duckling too, and have two wonderful and beautiful boys.
I do remember feeling that fear when I was pregnant with #2 , like, I hope my next baby is as beautiful as the first one....in fact, it invaded my dreams and I remember having a dream about giving birth to a two headed puppy.









Then I actually had my second son and he is perfect. Also, as beautiful as his big brother is, it is my second born that gets all the " Aww Look at those eyes! He'll be a lady killer!" comments from everyone. My oldest son doesnt seem to care about his little brother's lady killer-ness though..he seems confidant in himself. Maybe when they are teenagers there will be some competition, but I almost expect that. lol

What I'm trying to say is.. they will both be beautiful, in their own way.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
As a former ugly duckling- I know what it can be like to be teased and poked fun of. It hurts. So I'm sensitive when I see family/friends/strangers make a fuss over one child while the other is just ignored.

you don't have any control over strangers -- but you do over your friends and family.


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *D_McG* 
No, I get that. I don't get someone who wants to de-emphasize the importance of physical attractiveness having their kid in modeling....

That was my first thought, too. If you're focusing so much attn on your son's physical appearance, how can you not expect that others will do so, also?

I have a good friend whose first daughter was a _beautiful_ baby-- petite features, lovely color, etc. They worried that there would be comparisons after their second daughter was born. Sure enough, as an infant, there was no comparison-- the second daughter was a very average looking newborn.... but now, two years later, the younger baby is clearly the more striking and pretty child, and she probably will be for their whole lives.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

I agree with the posters who say get the kid out of modeling.

My sister and I are opposite ends of the spectrum. I was the "smart one" and she was the "pretty one". I was never ever told I was beautiful as a child. In fact, my mother cut my hair short and chose my clothes for me.

My sister ended up with the worse body image. Although I hate that both of us grew into our parent-intended roles quite well, I think she would have benefitted from my mom not making so many comments about her body. And she always felt like she was in my shadow academically.

Tell both your kids that they're beautiful. Tell strangers too.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
Here's my fear: if she's not as beautiful as her brother, how will this affect her?









As long as she is loved for who she is I doubt she will have a problem with her looks. Not unless she is just born an insecure child. The biggest issue IMO is placing so much emphasis on somebody being beautiful just because they are capable of modeling and making money. There are many beautiful people who do not model.







Stop placing so much emphasis on outside beauty.

One of your children models and has been modeling for a while. IMO, all children will do different things in life. My oldest plays guitar and likes art. My next oldest likes music in a different way and doesn't prefer to play instruments but is more in to dance and gymnastics. I guess the third one will have her own things too.







They all have different dispositions as well. Try not to worry. It will be fine.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Been there, done that, bought the ill-fitting T-shirt which looked better on my sister.









I'm one of six girls, and we're of varying levels of attractiveness... but my oldest sister was and is gorgeous. People commented All. The. Time. At Uni, where I ended up doing almost the same degree she'd done two years previously, lecturers would say "Oh, you're ---'s sister? I had no idea! You don't look anything alike! She's so pretty!" Uh, thanks.









I think I was hyper-aware of any favouritism my parents showed because of the comments of strangers. They probably didn't say much about it, but I felt like they did, you know? I also had issues with my next oldest sister, who was very skinny. Looking back she was scarily, skeletally skinny and my parents were always worried about her and trying to fatten her up. But at the time I was ashamed whenever people would comment on her weight, because I felt it was a reflection on mine. I tried to eat less so I'd be as skinny as her, and I hated having underwear in a bigger size than hers (of all the things to obsess over!). The funny thing was, I was NOT a chubby kid. I just had this idea in my head that being "fatter" than your _older_ sister was the worst thing that could possibly happen.

To be honest, I'm not sure how they could have handled it differently. It wasn't their fault my sister was prettier than me; it wasn't their fault strangers commented; it wasn't really their fault that if I overheard them saying "--- is so pretty" I took it like a knife to the heart, because that wasn't a particularly rational response of mine and who'd have predicted it? So sadly, I don't have any solution to your worries. Life isn't fair. If your daughter does turn out homely people _will_ notice, and they _will_ make stupid or hurtful comments. And whether or not she's affected by it will be largely outside your control, because it depends on her personality as much as anything. It sucks, but that's the way life is. (And to further be a downer, she may not end up gorgeous after the "awkward phase" either. Not everyone does. I look better at 23 than 13 because I'm somewhat cluier about hair and clothes, but no quantity of cheekbones I might magically acquire in my 30s will turn me into model material. I'd need some radical facial restructuring that age doesn't tend to impart! I think the whole "If you're ugly as a child you'll be a pretty adult thing" can be really heartbreaking for those who stay plain.)


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## expecting-joy (Sep 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
I'm not sure where to put this so mods you can move if you have to.

I'm having a little anxiety over something that might never be an issue, but I'm worried nonetheless. I'm also going to try to word this properly so bear with me.

DS is 2.5 and he's reallly over the top beautiful. He models and books a ton of jobs and already has a nice hunk of change saved up for himself. Everywhere he goes people comment on his looks and to top it off, he's also a very kind sweet agreeable child. We got lucky I guess.

Well I'm pregnant with a daughter and she's due in a few months.

Here's my fear: if she's not as beautiful as her brother, how will this affect her? And here's the reason for my fears...I've seen it. I've seen families fuss and fuss over the "beautiful" kid and never give the same attention to the other one. Or I"ve seen strangers come up and comment and fuss over the beautiful one and not even cast a glance at the other child. It hurts the other one SO CLEARLY and yet nobody notices. (FYI-I'm more concerned about extended family and friends and starngers, not us...we'll love them both and fuss over them equally of course, ) Heck, DH's own family does it to his neice. One of DH's neices is stop-traffic beautiful. The other neice is perfectly lovely, but yes, to be honest her sister is simply stunning. EVERYONE talks openly about how beautiful neice #2 is IN FRONT OF #1. It's been going on as long as I've known DH- 10 years. I can think of at least 4 other families throughout my lifetime that had the same thing going on.

Personally, I don't like to focus on looks. I've struggled in the past with ED's and looks are not something I want either child to think much of. (The modeling will come to a stop when DS is old enough to understand what it can mean socially if you know what I mean, right now all he thinks is YAY we get to go to the city and take pictures)

So I guess I'm looking for advice. How do I handle it if there is a difference in my two children? How to I encourage others not to make comments or draw distinctions. If strangers do, how do I handle it? Has anyone BTDT?

Thanks and sorry this is so long and all over the place...


_I say cross that bridge when you come to it.







I had the same worries, although we didn't model dd#1, EVERYONE said we should. I really wished for dd#2 to be as beautiful as dd#1 and as bright and athletic, too, so they could be on equal footing. I didn't feel they needed to be the same but my father's family was really bad with one of my aunts being drop-dead gorgeous and the other not. Happily my kids have different personalities, but are similar enough in these areas that people won't be compelled to make comments.

So, anyway, wait and see how things turn out and save your worrying if you can. In the end you'll do as much as you can to show them both how loved they are and your second child will find her niche.







_


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

People have been telling me that I should put my daughter into modeling since she was three days old. (She's only 21 months old.) She is a breathtakingly gorgeous child and she is _charismatic._ I didn't put her in modeling because I assume (by looking around at my family and my husband's family) that she is going to spend a fair bit of her life chunky. I am not going to put her anywhere near the modeling world so they can mess with her head.

That said! I totally understand fears about second kid not being as beautiful. I'm worried about that too. My daughter is ridiculously verbal (she knows almost two thousand words) and she is physically advanced. How can another kid compare to that? I keep mentally stepping on myself because second kid will be a whole different person and comparing them will be totally messed up.

I confess I am praying for a boy because in my experience opposite gendered children are compared less. I need to just get a boot to the head so I can get over myself.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

If you don't focus on your children's looks, neither will they. Modeling focuses on a person's looks (personality counts too), so if you don't want your DS focused on his looks take him out of modeling.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InMediasRes* 

Tell both your kids that they're beautiful. Tell strangers too.











My dad always told all of us (me and my 2 brothers) that we were all good looking. I think we're pretty average actually, but none of us have every had self esteem issues.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

My Dd has a classic beautiful look, Blond hair crystal blue eyes. she is proportioned nicely, lean and fit but...
Her brother has red hair. He gets noticed everywhere and everyone asks about his hair. Honestly I have no idea what the great red head obsession is b/c I see them everywhere but you'd think he had a head full of spun gold for all the comments we get.
It does hurt Dd and I feel badly for her and 2nd look comment, "Oh and you are cute, too" feels terrible to her also.
We do acknowledge the unfairness of it and I once asked DD what she wishes people would notice about her and she said her eyes.
So when people comment on his hair I say something like, "I know. I'm so lucky, one with red hair and one with blue eyes."
Once at church DD had her hair in braids and the man sitting next to us commented on how beautiful her hair was. She was absolutely glowing and I almost started to cry. After dropping the kids at Sunday school I told him how he made her day b/c no one ever notices _her_ hair.


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
Personally, I don't like to focus on looks.

Then why is your son modeling? And why are you concerned about your unborn dd's "beauty"? Someone that doesn't like to focus on looks, doesn't/shouldn't focus on looks, right?

ETA: When people comment on your son's attractiveness, you can thank them but make sure you also praise one of his other attributes (in front of him and the other person). And if your dd isn't what you/others consider attractive...make sure you give her praise while your son is receiving his.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

I saw my two younger sisters go through this. (I was much older - by ten years, so it never really affected me)

My youngest sister has blonde ringlets, huge blue eyes, the ten mile lashes, little bow lips, etc. Absolutely gorgeous, especially as a toddler. My second youngest sister was a cutie-pie; long dark hair, big brown eyes - but wasn't 'stunning' the way the youngest was.

People commented constantly, and my mother would graciously accept the compliment - and then make a point of talking about the other sister. How beautiful she was, and what an amazing big sister she was, etc. To try and get people to see it was important to balance it out.

For my two - the comparison is in behavior, as they're identical in looks, but five years apart in age. My seven year old is (and has always) been a sweet, agreeable, well behaved, pleasant, funny, etc. etc. child.

My two year old was born screaming and kicking, and hasn't stopped since. She really is hell on wheels! So I find people constantly comment on how sweet and gracious my older dd is, and are at a loss of words to describe my younger dd. They usually stare in horror because she's spitting at them or trying to kick them.

Yeah. So. I feel you. Just don't be afraid to speak up and point out qualities they both have, that are not centered on looks.


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## amber913 (Jun 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
Obviously, we can only control what we can control.

We can't control what others say and do, but we can control how we respond. You can respond to comments with something that includes both your children, like "Thank you. Our children are beautiful inside and out!".

If you celebrate each child for who they are, they will have a good chance of growing up feeling good about who they are. Don't worry about the differences, and don't borrow trouble









Signed: Late Bloomer









Perfectly said.


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