# Anyone ever feel guilty about mourning an early pregnancy loss?



## BinkieFinder (Oct 1, 2011)

I know miscarriage is painfully common and so many families have to suffer from it. I feel bad writing this, because I know there are women out there who have suffered from late miscarriages, stillbirths and infant losses and mine weren't as terrible as theirs. It wasn't recent, so I should be over it by now - although I have these unresolved feelings that I can't seem to shake.

While I waited 5 years hoping for my third child, I had two miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy. My first pregnancy that resulted in a loss initially seemed so perfect. The baby was conceived on my son's birthday, was due on my late grandfather's birthday and I was able to spread the happy news on Christmas Day to family. I was so ecstatic to have the baby. I had waited so long. However, I began spotting and eventually miscarried. That baby would have turned 3 last month. This probably sounds petty, but I lost a lot of faith in people after my loss. I never asked for pity or anything - but people's reactions when I had to explain I was no longer pregnant really got to me. My MIL laughed and said, "Well, just try again." Some friends ignored me for a long awhile. I remember the nurse practitioner coming into the patient room - laughing from a conversation she was having with her coworker - broke the news quickly, left the room and resumed laughing with her friend. My mom came by a week later with lunch and gave me a hug, so that was awesome. My brother was great as well. My husband believes that a baby's soul comes back with a next pregnancy, so while he didn't mourn or anything - he still respected my feelings although he didn't feel sad.

When I had my second miscarriage however, I didn't receive any support. I had been far enough along that I announced my pregnancy, but when I miscarried, I told only a few people as I didn't want to hear the cruel comments. I just couldn't take all the insensitive cliche things that people say. My mom didn't acknowledge it happened whatsoever. I felt so alone. It REALLY bothered me that I had lost someone who I knew was going to be an amazing person and there wasn't a single person on the planet who cared. As far as the world was concerned, the baby never existed. I know this has happened to millions of babies, but it's just so terribly sad. Knowing that pregnancy loss is common never really helped me feel better. It made me feel worse that so many people have to experience it.

After my last pregnancy loss, I joined an online support group for women who lost their babies through miscarriage and stillbirth. I shared my story. Two women who had suffered third trimester losses told me that I had no idea what a real baby loss was like and criticized my post. I was never mad at them or anything. I actually really felt bad for posting my story. Even so, I still couldn't help wanting to grieve for my babies. It's just weird having to feel guilty about wanting to grieve a loss.

A local funeral home in my area holds memorial services for families who have lost babies through miscarriage and stillbirths. I had wanted to attend, but decided against it as I was pregnant with my now 22 month old. I just thought it'd be better if I waited until I wasn't pregnant. When the time came, my husband said that the service probably wasn't really directed to me since I had my baby - so I decided against going.

I know that it's been awhile now, so it's stupid of me to feel this way - but I really want to somehow do something to acknowledge that I lost my babies. I'm not in an active grieving stage anymore and I'm able to cope though life just fine, but there is a part of me that feels like I've done my angel babies a disservice by going on like they never existed. I changed when I lost them and feel like part of me died along with them. I actually felt guilty going out in public when I was pregnant and showing. I was scared of hurting the feelings of other women who lost their babies or who were suffering from infertility. I don't know how to explain it. I cried all the time with my last pregnancy in fear that it wouldn't end well. I sobbed before every ultrasound terrified that I would receive bad news. While I appreciate all three of my children, I felt so intensely grateful when I first held my baby in my arms. I was in such disbelief that I was able to have a baby in my arms.

Anyhow, I'm done now. I'm sorry for making this so long. I'm not looking for pity or anything. More than anything, this makes me want to help promote awareness so that others don't have to suffer alone. I know my story isn't unique. I just wanted to get it out.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

You shouldn't feel guilty. You lost the possibility of that child. I planted trees for my babies and I named them after the tree. The most recent is a Texas MT. Laurel
they get pretty purple flowers. I know lots of people have lost so many babies and my heart breaks for them. Im still sad and I'm sure I'll be sad for a long time. I know ill cry when the first flowers bloom. And I'll always wonder about what could have been.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I've lost my father and my best friend as well as two babies this year. All of my grandparents were dead by the time I was twelve. I helped plan a funeral when I was only thirteen. I pretty much get to say that I know death pretty well.

Loss hurts. Grief hurts. Nobody gets to say whose pain is worse. I know someone who's had 11 miscarriages and only 4 live children. I know someone who had nine kids, then four miscarriages, and finally had her tenth and last baby. I have a perfectly healthy three year old. I know women who have had nothing but miscarriages. I know women who have never had so much as a positive pregnancy test. I know women who have lost their fertility at tragically young ages, and women who tried for years to get pregnant and became mothers at 45 and 48. I know someone who lost her son at 13 months.

And screw anyone who says differently. Screw anyone who says that an early miscarriage loss doesn't count or isn't real. We are mourning our babies. They were real. They were loved. That is all that matters.

~Rose


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

So much about your post breaks my heart. You've been treated poorly by so many people, and that's just so unkind and unfair. I share a lot of your feelings, so forgive my intensity. 

First, I think it is certainly different for women who experience later losses. Honestly, I do. Just as it would be different if one of my toddlers died. BUT - an early miscarriage is still a loss, and it still feels like the loss of a child. Sure, a child you didn't get much time with, or get to know well, but a child that you made in your body and believed in. *And that is a death in the family and should be treated like one!*

Second, doctors and their staff can be asses about our loss. They almost have to be distant, I'm sure, being around death so frequently. But still, asses. One morning, the nurse was cheerfully saying, "let's find your baby's heartbeat!" And then two hours later, a surgical nurse was explaining that there was no need to bury "the products of conception." Its insensitive and inconsistent.

Third, it is common, that's true. And some women don't think much about it, and so they don't have much to grieve. But some women do. *If you had already begun to love your baby - you will have much to grieve.* I think sometimes it isn't as hard for men because it takes them longer to begin to love and know a baby because they don't experience the same kind of bond. That's really understandable. But you had your babies in your womb, you loved them. They died inside of you. That's heartbreaking.

You should go to memorials - or hold your own. Your husband was mistaken. *Grief requires memorials - that's how we make peace*. I light candles, I planted plants that bloom around that time of year. I named my son. I included him on my mothers ring. I'm his mother and he deserves to be acknowledged. It's been almost a year since my loss, and I sometimes feel embarrassed for still feeling sad, too. But that is really ridiculous. I still feel sad about losing my grandfather 10 years ago. Its okay to be sad about your unborn child, too. I don't talk about my loss to everyone I know, or really even many people. But I remember him, quietly, every day.

Finally, I know many people believe the soul of a miscarried baby comes back in the next pregnancy. And many believe so respectfully, and that's totally okay - I'm not trying to pick a fight. But what bothers me about what your husband said, that he doesn't feel the need to mourn because the soul will probably come back: *It says that this loss didn't matter. * It denies you the right to be sad about it. I'm sure that's not what he meant by it, in fact, he probably hoped to comfort you by saying it. But trying to resolve your feelings isn't really helping, you know?

Each loss is significant. You've had three. That's a big thing to deal with. I wish everyone could acknowledge that for you, but they won't. But your husband (and your mother) should. You should tell them how you feel - not as an attack on them, just to let them know, "I'm hurting." And you should do something to honor them, if you think it would help you feel better.

I am so sorry for your losses.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

((((hugs))))

The grief one-upmanship you were subjected to was vicious and totally inappropriate.









While it certainly must be a different experience to lose a child late in pregnancy, at birth, or in infancy, because you've had time to get to know the baby, and develop that emotional bond, that doesn't negate the grief of an early loss. It would be like someone telling a mother who had a still birth that their grief ought to be less because it's nothing like losing your beloved 80 year old grandmother who you'd known and loved all your life. Different circumstances, yes. But loss is loss and pain is pain and grief is grief. Period.

You have no reason to feel guilty for your grief. It is the mark of a tender heart that you have a avoided some memorials because you didn't want to hurt others. But find some way to memorialize your little ones. It can be small and private (mine is). But it helps.


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## Mosaic (Jun 20, 2005)

I'm very sorry for your losses.







Maybe others were not sympathetic or don't understand what it's like; but here, we do. Perhaps you weren't allowed to grieve and process the loss of your babies in the past, but fortunately there is no time limit, no schedule, no how-to manual to do this "right."

Something I've noticed through my years here is that almost all losses carry some guilt, about what we did or didn't do, that we mourned too deeply or not enough, that we struggled for too long or not long enough, that we did things wrong for our babies, ourselves, our families. And there are always people around us who, intentionally or not, make us feel even worse than we already do. Your story reminds us that we're not alone!


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## MountainMamaGC (Jun 23, 2008)

I do. I have had 6 early losses, and I still tell myself I probably would not have known any better if I didnt test. It still hurt, because I wanted tem all so badly. I have never done a memorial because I struggle with admitting I had a significant loss. Maybe I should.....


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## Lucki (Oct 1, 2010)




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## Alphaghetti (May 26, 2005)

I am so sorry that you're sad. Whether you were 5 weeks or 35 weeks pregnant, these were still your children, and therefore existed and deserve your love and grief. I do understand the reason behind the thoughtless and insensitive women who posted those horrible things - they are angry because they are grieving and they don't know where to direct that anger. However, this does not excuse them. I felt the same after my 2nd trimester loss...felt that women who mourned early miscarriage couldn't possibly be hurting as much as I did - they didn't have to deliver and hold their child as I had. Thankfully, I was able to keep those negative feelings to myself and never hurt anyone in the way that these people hurt you, but I have to say, I was close to lashing out several times in the same way.

As my grief dissipated and I was able to more clearly rationalize my feelings, I realized that maybe I didn't know loss either, as I never heard my son cry, never held him to my breast to nurse, never sang him to sleep. Clarity comes with acceptance, and my clarity allowed me to see that a mother is a mother, no matter what age (or gestational age) their child is.

People say some stupid things. I like to think it's more awkwardness than insensitivity. Yeah, let's go with that. I remember people saying to me, "ah well at least you have your DD's". Yeah, and I loved them, but their existence did not negate my third, separate, different and individual child dying.

Hugs. You are so not alone. My lost son should be turning 8 years old next month, and I still think about him every day.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I had my first loss - would have been my second child - at a whopping 7.5 weeks pregnant. It broke me. It was...wow...14 years ago. I've never forgotten it. I lost my next two, each at almost exactly 12 weeks...13 years ago, and 11 years ago. I've never forgotten the heartbreak of losing either of them, either. They were my children, and I wanted them, and then they were...gone...just gone.

I had my fourth loss almost exactly four years ago - a term stillbirth, after 48 hours of active labour and an emergency c-section. It broke my heart. And, yes - it was different from, and harder than, the miscarriages, in many ways. But...having gone through that, I still feel the pain of the "lesser" losses. They never had names. I never even knew what sex they were. I only ever saw one of them, and he/she looked more like a grub than a person. But, they were still my babies, and losing them hurt - it hurt so badly.

In one way, the miscarriages were harder than the stillbirth. They were less tangible. When someone knows that you've held your dead baby in your arms, and you have pictures of them, and locks of hair and footprints, they get that you lost a real child. When it's "just" a miscarriage, people don't get that. Your loss isn't real to them, so they forget that it's real to you. It's really hard to go through such a profound loss and have people act as though it wasn't real. An early miscarriage is more a loss of potential than anything else, I get...but that potential is wrapped up in love and dreams, and those are hard, hard things to lose.

I get feeling guilty. I sometimes felt that way after my first miscarriage (not so much when it happened again a few months later), even though I'd been ttc for over three years. But, having had a term stillbirth, I don't feel that way, anymore. I talk about them differently, and I feel differently about them....but I've lost four children, not one. It's a loss, and it's understandable that you need to grieve. You lost your baby - early or late, you lost your baby.


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## Murph12334 (Nov 12, 2003)

I sit here with the due date only 2 weeks away from my miscarriage feeling guilty and a little timid to show anyone the hurt and pain and sadness that I still feel over it.

Though I am not planning on having anymore children, and don't like that the last time I was pregnant it ended in miscarriage.

I want so bad to reach out to others in person, for support but I do feel the wonder if they would understand or just see me as wierd for mourning my miscarriage.


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## cameragirl (Apr 15, 2010)

I'm so sorry that you were made to feel that way. Either way, a loss is a loss. You have every right to grieve the loss of your children, no matter how old they were. I lost my last early, but for me, it was a huge loss. We had tried for a long time, and losing that little one was so painful. We named the baby, my husband bought me a necklace with the baby's name, and I was very open with friends and family about it. I needed that acceptance and support. I was lucky to have compassionate ER staff as well as a compassionate doctor when I was going through it. I cried and cried, and spent a lot of time in bed by myself the first couple of weeks afterward. I feel so badly for those that don't have the support around them when they need it the most.

I would go to those memorials as well. Name your little ones if it helps. Express your feelings in writing, by planting a tree or plants, by joining a support group, or just having a good cry. I firmly believe that if we don't allow ourselves to grieve, or if someone else doesn't allow us, it will come back to us later. We have to grieve at some point. It is normal to feel grief when you lose a life, even if they only spent a few weeks in your womb.


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## catters (Nov 20, 2007)

I don't think you should feel badly either, but I do certainly understand. I had a really early loss and sometimes feel like "it didn't count". I barely told anyone and even my husband just blew it off. That was hard. Then I have a few friends who made really big deals about their early losses and it comes up all the time and I feel like I should say something about mine, but I don't and I'm not sure why. Probably because I, too, am conditioned to think if I didn't feel it, see it, hear it, then it really wasn't a loss. t do think about it. I miss her or him.  Now that I'm pregnant again I don't feel like I can allow myself to be sad about it.


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