# Help! Non AP Wedding Distress!



## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

You btdt mama's have to help me out here...

My old friend from grade school, who I haven't hung out with in years, asked me to be her maid of honor (she is clueless about children/parenting, let alone AP. I have two Dd's, 6 & 3 & am expecting a babe in March, this is a Sept. wedding so the baby will have just turned 6 months.

....Well today she took me out for breakfast, kind of a "let's discuss the wedding" thing. So I casually mention that I'll have to bring the baby & she is immediately against it & says that he can't come to the wedding or the reception & that I'll have to bring someone (she suggests my sister!?) to stay in a hotel room with him.

I then say that if I am bringing the baby with me (even if he does have to stay behind the scenes) & she wants Dd1 to be the flower girl, that I won't leave Dd2 at home alone. She sighs about that, meanwhile it is breaking my heart to imagine how Dd2 is going to feel when she sees Dd1 & I all dressed up & heading to the wedding/reception & she has to stay in the hotel room.







At least she'll have the baby to stay behind with.

I ask, in a nice way, how long I'll really have to stay, like, what time can I pack up the family & head out & she says 1am - doing what??!!

So then we start to get really detailed, like the fact that Dp would not be the best choice for someone to watch all of the kids & basically chauffeur them around all day & night. So I say that my mom is a better choice, she'd be better with the kids. Okay. Then I say that after the ceremony which would take about 45 minutes (in Fairmount Park) I'll go in our van to the Art Museum for pictures & then onto the hotel for the reception. She says that Dd1 & I *have* to ride in the limo because we're part of the wedding party & I say that by law Dd1 has to be in a car seat & she says that the little boy in the wedding, same exact age as Dd1, will probably *not* be in a car seat - like I'm making up the law! Even if it wasn't the law, there's no way in hell that I'm going to let my child ride down 76 unrestrained! I also said that my mom will *not* drive my van, not that I wouldn't let her, she just has never taken me up on driving any of my cars (I guess it's a self-confidence thing?)

What is the big ^%$&ing deal?? She said that "it's a wedding, you drive around in the limo & get drunk, that's just what you do." I told her that I may have a couple of drinks at the reception, but I can't get loaded because the baby (who will just have turned 6 months) will most likely be living on breastmilk alone (Dd2 didn't eat food until she was 10 months.) She said I can "put the baby up to bed at 7pm & leave him asleep for the night!" OMG!! This was after the "why don't you just give him a bottle?" conversation.

I also told her that I had to ask Dd1 if she *wanted* to be in the wedding & she looked at me like "why would you ask?" Like Dd1 is some accessory for her wedding. LOL, when I came home, Dd1 said she wouldn't do it unless Dd2 could go too - I'm sure she could sense my feelings.

On the way home I half-jokingly said that she still had time to find a new maid of honor if I was too much of a pain - probably shouldn't have said that... She said it wasn't that much trouble, *I* was making it that way.







:

To be honest, I don't even want to be in this stupid wedding, it's so much stress that I don't need & the hassle I seem to be causing is just enough to make me want to call her & say how I feel. I know some people want the big wedding & the whole nine yards, but I just don't get how the tiniest details like driving 10 minutes down the road in a separate vehicle really matter.

Should I say that Dd1 doesn't want to be in the wedding? Would that make it easier? Then I could just leave the girls at home with my mom & somehow bring the baby & have *somebody* stay with him. I can just hear Dp bitching about how he has to stay in the room with the baby. Dp isn't even going to be able to come to the wedding! In whatever scenario this falls into, he's going to end up watching children somehow & I don't even want him to come because I know he won't enjoy himself - he is SO anti-social. Maybe that is a good idea, just having Dp stay in the hotel room with the baby & leaving the girls at home with my mom, at least that way, they'd be together & wouldn't feel abandoned.

How do AP, breast-feeding an infant mama's attend formal events? Isn't there a list of rules somewhere?? Grrrrrrrr......

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading & please tell me what you would do/have done.








__________________


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## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

This whole thing sounds like a mess. #1. Why does DP have to stay in the hotel? #2. The poor babe. #3 your poor DC and #4 your poor mother.
I was in a wedding when DD was 6 mo. She was in my arms dressed in a matching formal that my mom made. The bride gave her a little bell to ring so she wouldn't get too bored. I toodk DD to three different weddings all within 1 mo of her birth. I wore her nursed her at the table and still looked nice in my attire. Normally there isn't this much problem with a BFing little one. Your friend is the one making the problems. I am not you but I would back out and makre her find a new Maid of honor. Again, that's just me. You have to do what's right for you. Good luck sorting through all the stigmas. I definitely do NOT envy you right now.


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## nonnymoose (Mar 12, 2004)

I don't think it's necessarily AP parenting that she's clueless about - it sounds like a nice, pre-children universal cluelessness









It really does sound like she needs a single/childless MOH. I don't think there's anything wrong with just telling her that, without going into the details of how clueless she really is. It doesn't sound like any of her ideas are malicious or neglectful, she just doesn't get it. She'll figure it out once she has a child, but I guess that'll be after the wedding.


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## LovemyBoo (Oct 11, 2004)

You know what, it's not worth it. Call her up and tell her that you are not the kind of maid of honor she wants and you want her wedding to be her special day. Tell her you'd be happy to attend as a guest. At least that way you can come and go on your terms.

She sounds like she is not willing to compromise with you at all, and that she's not that good of a friend to begin with.

I'm a big believer in the bride and groom getting what they want for their wedding day. I'm also a big believer in guests and attendants turning down the honor if their schedule/values clash in a way where no compromise can be found.

If you lose her as a friend over this, she wasn't a friend to begin with. Your family is far more important than the wedding of a friend you don't hang out with and who doesn't respect you as a mother.

Good luck!


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I'd back out too. It sounds way too stressful.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

lets go back to the first sentence of your post. . . . . . Why did she ask you to be her maid of honor. It doesn't sound like she even really knows you. Doesn't seem like you two are close in any way.

I certainly wouldn't feel bad telling her no that you just not in a big child free getting plastered dancing 'till dawn wedding sort of place right now and since your not even that close . . . .not to mention how much this is going to cost you!!!

just skip it.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

This is starting out badly and it's only going to get worse. She's not going to get up to speed about AP, or even what it means to have kids/a baby in general, so forget about that happening. I'd figure out what would need to happen to make it work for you. This is what it would be for me: Bringing all my kids to both the wedding and reception, with an adult (whomever you feel best about) designated to look after them, step out with them if they cry during the ceremony, whatever. Riding with my kids in the separate van with them all safely in their carseats, or someone else whom you feel comfortable with driving them in their carseats in the van. And, I will have to leave at around bedtime for the kids.

I'd tell her that you'd love to be in the wedding, but that these are the things that you can't really get away from, so you totally understand if she's not comfortable with it and wants to ask someone else. Don't even bother trying to get her to understand why you need to do these things. You're doing her a favor - she's going to be a whole lot miserable if you move forward under all her terms and are totally stressed out, distracted, and running all over the place attending to kids in hotels, etc.

I get really irritated by people's cluelesness about having kids. Before I had kids, I didn't know what was involved, but at least I knew I didn't know what was involved, and never tried to argue a parent out of what they told me they needed to do with their kids.


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## Altair (May 1, 2005)

honestly i'd back out now before it got any further. You don't owe her being in her wedding if she isn't going to be helpful with your concerns.

then again, i've NEVER bought into the "it's HER day" BS. Manners and kindness and consideration are for EVERY day, even "your big day." Nothing makes me more pissy than a woman who thinks the world owes her life on a silver platter just b/c she's getting married.









If someone wants me in their wedding, then they want ME in the wedding, not a pretend woman who can magically erase her other roles in life and responsibilities.


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## MiamiMami (Feb 1, 2005)

I would back out now if I were you. She is totally clueless. And no offense, but she sounds like the kind of bride who would be ragging on you to lose your baby weight before the wedding!


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## GranoLLLy-girl (Mar 1, 2005)

ITA with all the other posters. You need to back out NOW. You don't have to tell her that she is clueless about parenting or even be rude in any way. But you do need to back out.
There are lots of things that can happen between now and then--adjusting to another baby for one thing. It's hard with one, you get the hang of it just in time to have another one, that seems hard--and now you are going to have to adjust as a family again with a new baby. Besides, you don't know if you will be blessed with a spirited baby or what that baby will need when the wedding comes.
And I do think that things she is asking of you just for the ceremony itself are unrealistic. Not out of her realm of expectations in her mind, but out of the realm of possibilities for your comfort level.
Like the pp said--this woman does not seem to know you very well.
Back out now and gracefully--tell her your pediatrician/therapist/tarot card reader/anyone/spouse/whatever suggested that you do not put yourself at this level of stress and possibly ruin her big day by the needs of your family. Or something that sounds graceful but does not make her defensive by making it sound like her expectations are unrealistic. Use tact.
You can even tell her that: you would hate to see her special all messed up because of some unexpected need of the new baby to be.
I don't think it's realistic for those of us who have kids to expect those who don't to know what we do/how we live/what having kids is like.
The only thing I can see happening as a result of this is that your friendship with this woman will be over as soon as they go off on their honeymoon.
Might as well save yourself the hassle and cost now--and save yourself the heartache.
just my 2 cents. good luck.


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## rozzie'sma (Jul 6, 2005)

I would back out too. It doesn't make sense that she would even ask you. Unless she is such a PITA that other people have turned her down already. This just doesn't seem like a good compromise will be reached between you too. She just seems clueless.


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## amybw (Jul 12, 2004)

I would back out too.
I wouldnt blame it on your DD not wanting to do it though. I would be honest with her and tell her that your children are most important to you right now and there are certain things that you just cant see compromising on.










Good luck with the situation.








Amy


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## carla72 (Aug 6, 2005)

I would back out too. It sounds like she is more of an aquantince than a friend. If she understands great if she doesn't...is it a big loss to you?? I know since I have started my family I have had to weed out some of the aquantinces that take up time and cause stress. My family comes first and I have no guilt about that. I was in a wedding like that but before I had my dd. By the sounds of it she will only get worse as it gets closer. Think about the stress you will be adding to yourself as well as your dc and dp. I wish you the best but I wouldn't feel guilty about putting your family first....its not like she is a close friend.


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## coloradomonkeymom (Jan 21, 2006)

:
I am having bridal shower drama of a similar kind.
The wedding is in April and I am in it and I didn't even attempt to ask to bring DD because I know how NY weddings are (I had one but I allowed children). MIL will watch DD and I am comfortable with leaving her in her care for the evening. I already pump and bottle feed due to supply issues. But I am not willing to one spend money we don't need to spend to travel to NY for a bridal shower the month before, don't want to travel alone with my DD and I am certainly not leaving a 5 month old behind for a weekend.
I really don't think people understand until they have kids but then they will want the same understanding.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

I would back out too...I think she's expecting a lot considering you have the babe to think of. A few years from now when she's all grown up and has kids of her own she'll understand.


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## Slabobbin (Jan 29, 2004)

I would back out and to be perfectly honest, just based on what I am reading, I would probably cool off the friendship as well. The sad thing is, she won't see the light. Even if you explain it to her she is going to think YOU are the problem. :headshake


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

Thanks mama's, for validating my feelings







. With your help I got up the courage to email her & I don't feel the least bit guilty about it! Here's the email I sent her just now.....I even borrowed a line or two from some of you wise mama's







:

I'm going to type this so I can get it all out & you can think on it before responding right away&#8230;. I don't fault you for not realizing what being a parent of small children entails, you haven't gotten to that point in your life yet, so I think we have to help each other understand how it is possible that this is going to work out.

I feel like I should say all of this now because I think you should really, really decide if I am the kind of Maid of Honor that you want for your special day. I am very honored that you asked me, I don't want you to get the wrong impression, but if you want me to be *in* your wedding, then you want *ME* in the wedding, not some pretend woman who can magically erase her other roles in life & her responsibilities. I don't want to ruin your big day with the needs of my family.

I can't get around leaving the baby at 6 months, it's just not possible for either of us. It makes me really sad to think of including Dd1 in this special day & not even inviting Dd2, our family just never splits up like that.

I know this day is *very* important to you & I truly want it to be special & perfect for you in every way. These are things that I just can't get away from, things that I don't *want* to get away from.

I would love to come to your wedding as a guest that could leave unnoticed when I'm needed, but I'm afraid of the hassle that this is becoming. You need to think long & hard about what kind of a Maid of Honor you want for your big day, maybe someone childless is what you're imagining in your plans. You also have to consider the possibility of one of the kids being sick & me having to back out at the last minute, I know it's slim, but it's a risk. There's also the chance that the baby will need to be with me, that he just won't be satisfied with me popping in to feed him & leaving, sometimes babies just need to be with their mama's. Honestly, I don't feel comfortable leaving him at all.

I'm not backing out, I just want to put everything on the table now & give you the option. I don't think that I can be the Maid of Honor that you have in mind, I can do it, but you're going to have to compromise a little. It's *your* special day & if you don't feel that compromising would fit your plans that's *okay*, I understand. Just think about this, talk it over with Marc or your mom or whoever you need to discuss it with & let me know how you feel, I won't be offended by whatever you choose.

So what do you think was I straight forward yet, friendly?


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## bobandjess99 (Aug 1, 2005)

I think you were honest and polite, and totally did the right thing!! If she does not like the letter/gets mad/offended, etc for any reason, it is completely her...you were very right to stress that it is *her* day and she should pick someone that she really wants as her maid of honor that can fulfill the duties of that role , **as she defines it** and that right now, YOU can not be that person....so either she redefines how she views that role, or she asks someone to do it who can fulfill it the way she is imagining it....again, it is all her choice......you were wonderful in how you expressed yourself!


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

Ahhh, the wedding day. My due date with ds#2 was my BIL's wedding date. His wife-to-be was a bridezilla. The wedding was 6 hours away and my first son was born 5 weeks early. Bridezilla and BIL wanted DH to be the best man (understandable) and ds #1 to be the ringbearer (understandable); when we told them I was pregnant and what my due date was their response was "well you never know what will happen, it's still early" implying that I could still have a miscarriage and their perfect wedding day would be saved. EVERYONE in DH's family could not understand why he couldn't travel 6 hours away and risk missing the birth of ds#2.

DH had been pretty clear all along that he was not willing to miss the BIRTH of HIS child for his bro's wedding- even DH's grandma said DH didn't NEED to be at the birth? A week before the wedding, BIL called and wanted to know if DH was coming! Anyway, when it comes to weddings, if people have the Martha Stewart mentality there is NOTHING they will allow to come between them and their dream. IMHO, it is the marriage that matters, the wedding not so much, but to each his own. Get out now while you can.

I don't think they've ever gotten over the fact that the appearance of the perfect day didn't happen as they wanted it to, in fact, they've been pretty clear about treating ds#2 much differently than ds#1 (like it's his fault he was conceived when he was). It wouldn't have been so bad if there was even an ounce of understanding, but, alas, when it came to THEIR wedding, anyone who knew they were getting married was expected to give a kidney to ensure the perfect day came to fruition. As the MOH, you can be assured you will be expected to do the same (or maybe in this case you'll be expected to give away one of your kids' kidneys) Ugh.

Oh, and ds#2 was born at 41 weeks 6 days (but it was a precipitous labor so if I had gone and gone into labor on my due date, ds#2 would have definitely been born on the side of the highway, and if I didn't go, DH would have definitely missed the birth).

Let us know what you decide!


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## LovemyBoo (Oct 11, 2004)

Very well done!







I agree with the pp, if she gets her bridal panties in a wad over that.....well I'd say it's a friendship not worth saving. Let us know how it goes!


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

I think the email is perfect. You were very gracious, much more so than I would have been!


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

as a moderator for a wedding planning board, I think I can officially pronounce your friend what we like to call a Bridezilla, someone who is probably nice and polite IRL but once that engagement ring goes on, loses all sense of propriety and respect for others and starts demanding irrational perfectionism for HER day. I had the big ol fancy wedding but you know what? I invited all kids and babies and when my 5 yr old flower girl started crying at my reception and reached for me, I picked her up, shoes dangling on my white dress and all. I really encourage you not to accept being her MOH even if she makes some concessions for you now, because this is just the start of it. Soon she'll be expecting you to pay for a shower with 50 guests, drive three hours to pick up a dress you hate, telling you how and where to get your hair done, and freaking out if everything isn't perfect. She is very clueless about children IMO and I bet when she gets that email she is going to accuse you of being overprotective and difficult b/c you can't "just" leave your baby for one night....ugh.


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

It's a nice e-mail but I doubt she'll understand it. Basically it seems like there are way too many details here, and on both sides, and it boils down to:

Her: I want you at my beck and call, with no kids.

You: I can't do that, so I can't be your matron of honor.

If she still fusses with even one single detail in her reply to your e-mail, I hope for the sake of your sanity that you rescind your acceptance of the position. Because that girl is going to ride your butt for the next 9 months, and this gives her plenty of time to find a new maid/matron.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nonnymoose*
I don't think it's necessarily AP parenting that she's clueless about - it sounds like a nice, pre-children universal cluelessness









It really does sound like she needs a single/childless MOH. I don't think there's anything wrong with just telling her that, without going into the details of how clueless she really is. It doesn't sound like any of her ideas are malicious or neglectful, she just doesn't get it. She'll figure it out once she has a child, but I guess that'll be after the wedding.

i completely agree with this. well said!


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

OMG! I am so clueless!! What *are* my responsibilities as a MOH? It didn't even occur to me that I had "responsibilities" other than having a say in what our dresses look like. I have to throw a bridal shower?? I have to pay for it?? I can't do that - I just don't have the $$ at all!! How soon before the wedding do I have to do this? With a newborn?? Not to mention my Dd's...ugh, what a mess! I am SOOOOO the kind of person who would just elope (or skip the marriage part all together







.) If I remain the MOH, what am I *required* to do? Should I start a new thread for this? It's getting OT.

Help bri276!!


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

lol. well, it varies what the MOH responsibilities are...but traditionally (and from what I have read this is a traditional wedding, no?), a MOH:
- helps the bride plan, like making phone calls, accompanying her to appointments
-pays for their own dress (and you'd pay for the flower girl dress too) and you're lucky if she asks you to help pick them out
-plans and pays for (usually along with other female wedding party attendants, like the other bridesmaids) a shower and sometimes bachelorette party (though this doesn't have to be too expensive, you can always do cake and coffee on a late afternoon in your home), but you do have to provide some refreshment and a little entertainment, and send out the invitations for it
-helps the bride get ready on the wedding day, walks up the aisle and stands directly next to the bride during the ceremony holding her bouquet, and often makes a speech during the reception, and sign the marriage license
-provides emotional support for when bride is stressing out

It can be a lot of work or if you were my MOH all you basically had to do is buy your dress and show up- though I did have a beautiful shower given to me. Your best bet if the next email is positive would be to ask her what she would like you to do as her MOH. everyone expects something different.


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

Thanks for holding my hand through all of this Lily







! How did I become so crunchy & not learn about all of these crazy formal traditions?







Yikes!


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## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

Good e-mail OP. If it were written to me I would not be offended in the least.


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## charmander (Dec 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nonnymoose*
I don't think it's necessarily AP parenting that she's clueless about - it sounds like a nice, pre-children universal cluelessness


















:


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## GruppieGirl (Feb 19, 2002)

Sounds like you have a bit of a Bridezilla on your hands. So sorry.

I had a close friend seriously get mad at me because I was "too pregnant" at her wedding.

She knew that I was just pregant when she asked me, but I don't think that she knew what an 8 month pregnant woman looked like. She even hinted that she may want to ask someone else to me her maid of honor so that would fit into the dress. I told her to go ahead. She didn't. She only wanted perfect stick figures in her wedding and I truly believe that she chose a few of her party members because of the way they look.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

and you can expect the two dresses to run anywhere from $200-$500 never to be worn again. Plus she sounds like the kind of bride who will expect salon hair ($30-$60 for each of you) and manicures, and shoes, and . . . . .I seriously doubt I could ever afford to be a bridesmaid in a wedding. or at least one of those weddings. My friends and I all bought "sunday" dresses off the rack. I felt guit having my bridesmaids pay $40 for thier dresses. at least they all wore them again.

it just seems so odd that she would choose someone as maid of honor she has not talked to in so long. this is usually a place of honor for the very best friend.

I think your email was good but Ithinkyou should also tell her exactly what you are and are not capable off doing and telling her that only under those circumstances could you do this. you may also want to ask her why she choe you.


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## june'smom (Nov 8, 2003)

Another thing to consider is that you haven't even met the new baby yet. I hope that you don't have a difficult babe, but you could. DD never, ever would have "allowed" me to be out past her bedtime without her. She would have screamed the whole time.

And yup, it will be expensive. My wedding was cheap and I helped one of my brides maids to buy her dress cuz she couldn't afford it, but the MOH threw me 2 parties and helped with literally everything that day. She cooked, helped with my hair, dress, accessories. She helped me write my vows. If she had had kids to tend to it would have been more stressful.

I would back the heck out before it is too late for her to find someone else. You are clearly not what she is looking for.
Louise


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## AmyAngel (Dec 3, 2004)

I think graciously backing out is the way to go, if she doesn't decide to go the "new MOH" route because of your (very well written and very nice) e-mail.

Yes, the MOH is usually expected to throw the shower and often the bachelorette party. If she believes that riding around in a limo and getting drunk is required for the WEDDING, I'm SURE you'll end up having to spend an entire evening involving dinner and bar-hopping and/or seeing strippers with her, likely in a rented limo, at a bachelorette party where she'll likely hope to receive gifts of skimpy lingerie and probably get totally drunk. She won't be paying for any of this, of course!

I'm hoping she's not REALLY a bridezilla, but if you do stay on as MOH I would try to get her to tell you what she expects, in great detail, and preferably by e-mail so you can print it out and show it to her later, if needed. I would also recruit as much help from the other attendants as possible, and see if you can't pass off the bachelorette party (if she expects one) to a single, childfree attendant if at all possible.

I'm always a bit suspicious when people choose someone they don't know well to be in their wedding, especially as MOH. There are people who choose attendants based on what they look like - either all skinny and beautiful, or all heavier than the bride so she looks skinnier. Of course, she may just want to reconnect with you and become closer or something. Who knows?

I highly recommend a visit to ettiquettehell.com - you can read about some real bridezillas there! (And submit your OWN story, if things really go south!)


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

There is probably a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner party event that you would need to attend also.

No way with our family. "I really wish I could, I am just not able to at this time. Thank you so much for considering me."

Pat


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## AmyAngel (Dec 3, 2004)

True! I forgot about the rehearsal and dinner! Some brides have a bridesmaids luncheon also, and I think in some areas it's customary to have a sort of gift-opening brunch the day after the wedding, before they leave for the honeymoon.

Some brides also have more than one shower, and attendants are often expected to attend all of them.

Get her to make VERY clear what she expects of you. The little things (and expenses) add up quickly.


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## hopefulfaith (Mar 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LovemyBoo*









You know what, it's not worth it. Call her up and tell her that you are not the kind of maid of honor she wants and you want her wedding to be her special day. Tell her you'd be happy to attend as a guest. At least that way you can come and go on your terms.

She sounds like she is not willing to compromise with you at all, and that she's not that good of a friend to begin with.

I'm a big believer in the bride and groom getting what they want for their wedding day. I'm also a big believer in guests and attendants turning down the honor if their schedule/values clash in a way where no compromise can be found.

If you lose her as a friend over this, she wasn't a friend to begin with. Your family is far more important than the wedding of a friend you don't hang out with and who doesn't respect you as a mother.

Good luck!


Couldn't have said it better myself. Hugs, mama.


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

Apparently she didn't take much time to feel like I was being selfish, oh well, I replied & backed out - phew! Here's her speedy response:

We have been friends for 20 years. There was no question in my mind about who to ask to be my Maid of Honor. I don't think I can answer your logistical questions....I have 5 million of my own that I am trying to work through. If you want to do this, it can be done.

To say I don't understand the needs of children isn't really fair. You are not the only one in this world with children. Marc and I choose to not have them at this point in our lives, but we have plenty of friends who do. Over half of the wedding party, both sides have kids. Rob and Jennifer are flying in from Phoenix with Joseph and the baby for the wedding.
People can make things happen if they want to and care to.

I need you to tell me if you can do this for me. I think you may be a little emotional right now, and be getting hung up on details. But if you are telling me that you may or may not show up for my wedding, then yes we have a problem. This is your decision, I have already made mine. Please let me know where you are going with this. Only you can decide if you can play this role.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

So this means you'll be declining the honor?


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## jillywilson (Nov 21, 2003)

I'm sorry you have to make this decision. If her friends are flying in with their kids, what are they doing during the wedding?? I can understand the "no kids thing" at weddings . . . I guess. (I had kids at mine and they were fine.) But, exceptions really ought to be made for the wedding party. If she really wants you there, she needs to be able to be flexible as well and not just expect you to work around her demands of getting drunk in the limo and staying until 1am. (BTW, I've been in 5 weddings including my own and still have never set foot in a limo.)

I think her reply back to you was pretty rude. To say "People can make things happen if they want to and care to." and "But if you are telling me that you may or may not show up for my wedding, then yes we have a problem." is kind of catty. Of course you won't just show up or not show up. You are trying to make this decision now!

If you are feeling this conflicted, maybe you should just tell her that (1) since you don't know what the future holds for you and this new baby you would rather play a smaller role in the wedding; and (2) you just can't financially handle all of the other stuff involved: shower, parties, dresses, rehearsal dinners. Just continue to be honest without getting rude like she's doing.

Good luck.


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## DoubleOven (Jan 7, 2006)

:


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

You're "hung up" on details but she can't answer your logistical questions because she has 5 million of her own







. I declined being in my own brother's wedding because my ds would have been 9 mos, even though our sister accepted and her dd was going to be only 5 mos. Thank goodness I did, because ds was high needs. I would have had to have the dress altered so that I could nurse, too. It was hard enough just getting to the wedding, let alone get my make up professionally done, pose for photos, etc. Fortunately, my brother and his wife are normal and understood my decision (I was the only sibling of 7 to not be in it).


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## LovemyBoo (Oct 11, 2004)

Ugh! I'm so glad you backed out. What a guilt trip of a reply.

Quote:

If you want to do this, it can be done.
Yeah, it's all on YOU.







It sounds like this would have been very stressful under the best of circumstances. Now you can relax.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

the op definitely did the right thing!








sorry you had to deal with all that stress!!









all this is making me a bit nervous...I'm going to be my best friend's attendant in March at her small, low-key wedding. There are only two attendants, me with dd who will be 11 months old, and our other friend who will have a 2.5 year old and an 8 month old. But my friend is totally laid back, letting us pick out our own dresses, and expecting our babes to be there, which is good. But there are some good points on this thread I never thought of, like what about all the pre-events? and what will dd actually do during the wedding ? She kinda freaks out if she's not very close to me these days...Dw will be there too so hopefully she'll be okay. And what about nursing friendly dresses!! geesh! an excellent point. good food for thought!


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:

I think you may be a little emotional right now, and be getting hung up on details.
And her being upset that you do not want to drive in a limo with dd not in a carseat isn't being hung up on details.

IMO you did the right thing and she will not understand it until she has 1 or 2 kids of her own.

Friends of ours got ticked at us because we decided to get married the same year they did. They got engaged 3months before we did, I gave them the courtesy of picking a date first. We got married 3 weeks after they did. He got over it quickly realizing it wasn't a big deal. She never came to our wedding(both weddings were 6hours from where we live, I had never expected her to come because she is a workaholic). I found out after the weddings that she was mad at us over getting married the same year, but also because like her we had balloons at our reception. Everyone back there has balloons at a reception, I don't think I"ve been to a wedding that did not have balloons. Every other aspect of the weddings were completely different. Then 2.5years later we ended up pg at the same time, due 2 weeks apart. It was her first and my third(we had a 9month old when we got married). She had a preemie and we did alot of things for them during this time. It wasn't until then that she started acknowledging me and dh though it has been 4years and she's still standoffish. They were even going to ask us to be godparents, but something about us not being Catholic(I'm not even a Christian but she doesn't know that)

Quote:

all this is making me a bit nervous...I'm going to be my best friend's attendant in March at her small, low-key wedding.
Don't be nervous about low key weddings, they're much more fun and no where near the stress for most of the people. the last 2 I went to were not low key(the one kinda was but for the most part wasn't). The one before that was very low key. It was in their yard, roughly 40 or 60 people. No reherrsal/supper nothing we ordered pizza. We all camped in their yard. It was a blast for 3 days. Kids were invited but we decided to let mil come to our house and watch them. I was quite happy about that since my then 2.5yo would have been hard to keep away from the huge fire pit that was going. Next summer I have 2 lower key ones. The one is another yard wedding at my uncles. It is going to be so much fun. The 2nd in my sil's and she tends to freak out over everything so I got her an organizer to help her with details and such. I'm doing her photography. I think I"m supposed to be making dresses too for 7 girls(kids). she's a basket case all the time so for her it's going to be a matter of feeding her some alcohol now and then to calm her down. She said she'd prefer it if someone planned the wedding and told her what day and time to show up.lol


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Wow. I think her reply to your email was very telling and very snarky. I think you'd be wise to bow out of this ASAP. It won't be pretty.


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## amyjeans (Jul 27, 2004)

At this point, I would respone with:
No, I cannot be your Maid of Honor. Thank you for the consideration, but I must respectfully decline. I wish you a wonderful day. Don't rehash your reasons, she is well aware of them, even if she thinks they're emotionally driven. (whatever)

No more discussion needed- because quite frankly mama, you have enough to deal with in your life to worry about a bruised ego with the bride. And despite it being "her" day, courtesy goes both ways no matter what the circumstances.
She could have been more accomodating to you as well- by letting kids come to the wedding, or a number of other solutions to work with anyone.


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## zaner'smama (Dec 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Metasequoia*
So what do you think was I straight forward yet, friendly?

Just wanted to say that I think you handled the situation wonderfully! You are a really good friend (even to someone you are no longer close to), yet made it clear that your family's needs have to come first. You presented all the scenarios and how you feel about the situation, then gave her the choice. Bravo! I know this had to be hard to deal with!








~Betsy


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## zaner'smama (Dec 12, 2005)

Ooops, I should have finished the rest of the thread before replying.








Anyway, glad to see you bowed out. Sounds like it wasn't going to work for either of you. And now you don't have to worry about it any more!
~Betsy


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Metasequoia*
To be honest, I don't even want to be in this stupid wedding,

__________________

I think that's your answer right there. or see if she can switch you with one of the bridesmaids, and take the pressure off of you.


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amyjeans*
At this point, I would respone with:
No, I cannot be your Maid of Honor. Thank you for the consideration, but I must respectfully decline. I wish you a wonderful day. Don't rehash your reasons, she is well aware of them, even if she thinks they're emotionally driven. (whatever)

I did respond, I wasn't quite clear about her reply, although I definitely got a "snarky" vibe. I think she must have read the email so fast & not even considered it before responding....my entire reason for sending it in an email was for her to take her time & think about it....sigh. I think I bowed out gracefully, I hope I didn't sound snarky in return.

Bride:
We have been friends for 20 years. There was no question in my mind about who to ask to be my Maid of Honor. I don't think I can answer your logistical questions....I have 5 million of my own that I am trying to work through. If you want to do this, it can be done.

Me:
Meaning that there can be compromises made?

Bride:
To say I don't understand the needs of children isn't really fair. You are not the only one in this world with children. Marc and I choose to not have them at this point in our lives, but we have plenty of friends who do. Over half of the wedding party, both sides have kids. Rob and Jennifer are flying in from Phoenix with Joseph and the baby for the wedding.
People can make things happen if they want to and care to.

Me:
I think you took that the wrong way, until you have children, you really can't know what it's like. I can give plenty of examples. You acted like I was being ridiculous when I said that Dd1 needed to be in a car seat, it IS the law & I don't feel comfortable having my child ride in a car not properly restrained. You said I could put the baby to bed at 7 & leave him for the night - it just doesn't work that way. Dd2 nursed at least 4 times during the night until she was 2 yrs old. To say that I can "just give him a bottle" isn't fair either, Dd2 never once accepted a bottle. There are plenty of parents who can leave their kids anywhere & shove a formula filled bottle in their mouths, I can't do that. Even if I pumped milk ahead of time for someone to bottle feed him, I would still have to leave the wedding/reception to either feed him or pump, when your body makes milk for a baby, it doesn't stop just because there is a wedding & if I didn't, I would have a milk-soaked dress.
I also don't think you can understand how much it hurts me to involve Dd1 in this & leave Dd2 as the only one not invited.

Bride:
I need you to tell me if you can do this for me. I think you may be a little emotional right now, and be getting hung up on details. But if you are telling me that you may or may not show up for my wedding, then yes we have a problem. This is your decision, I have already made mine. Please let me know where you are going with this. Only you can decide if you can play this role.

Me:
It sounds like I'm not what you are looking for. The details are important to me, they include me being able to care for my family the way I need to. I didn't say that I "may not show up," but when you ask someone with small children to commit to something, there's always the possibility of one of the children being ill. Just over New Year's Dd2's eardrum ruptured, there was no way that I could have left her. The way you have this role planned out, I think that someone childless would be more fit to play it. Aside from the wedding itself, I am going to have a hard time planning anything or devoting my attention to you with a newborn baby. You deserve to have someone who can focus on you & make sure that everything goes as planned. It's still early, if I try to play this role, things are just going to get crazier as I try to balance all of this planning AND 3 children.

Me:
I respect your decision to have a child free wedding, but you have to respect my need to decline because I have children that need me. You are important to me as a friend & I hope this doesn't have a negative affect on our friendship, but I can't be "childless" even for a day.

So what do you think? I sent this around 9am & it's now 1pm & still no response. I think she's probably freaking out trying to figure out what to do - no doubt she's angry with me. I just hope she accepts my decline & doesn't try to still fit me in the role







.


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## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

I like your response. It seems fair. If she doesn't understand it's because she doesn't want to. Some brides are truly bridezilla's I have been in approximately 7 weddings not including my own. (Only one after DC) I am my sisters maid of honor in Apr. The difference. My sister had a DD already and she has lost a few DC in the process. She adores children and LOVES being surrounded by little ones. She doesn't care if I need to attend to my DC during the ceremony andI have asked her if she'd object to me wearing DS. Of course she said "NO I don't mind". I feel badly that your friend is just not being very understanding. Just know we here care about you and you can always use us as a sounding board. (((((HUGS)))))


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

I was thinking last night......when I saw the bride-to-be over the summer, I was recounting my adventures at the NYC-nurse in & her response was that bfing was something that should be done in the bathroom when out in public







:

I guess we know how *that* would have gone if the baby came to the wedding/reception







.

You guys are so right, I am better off declining.


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## dlm194 (Mar 23, 2005)

I'm completely with you. However, in her "defense" (I hate to word it like that but I can't think of a better description), she may be surrounded by mainstreamers so the idea that you can't just give a bottle to a breast fed baby or be separated from your child all day is something she is completely ignorant to. Plenty of other people just give their kid a bottle of formula and that's the end of it. That is likely the reason why no one else with kids is having a dilemma. Unless you are a breastfeeder or have someone close to you who bf, it probably doesn't occur to you that your boobs fill up with milk and it's going to come out!

However, this plan to exclude one dd and have the other ride around in a limo with no carseat is NOT excusable. I could understand if she brought it up without thinking about it, but after you made your feelings (and the law!!!!) known, there is no reason why she should persist in her "MY Way" attitude.

I don't see why you can't make an exception for some children at your wedding. I had my nephew as a ring bearer so it didn't even occur to me to ask my SIL to leave her other son (2 at the time) at home. She even got her 2 year old a tiny little tux!

Good for you for declining. It sounds like the drama of finding a new MOH is right up her ally!







She can whine to all the other Bridezillas out there. I just hope that one day when she is a mom, she changes her attitude about bfing and keeping children close. I laugh when I think about how important I thought my wedding was before my dd came along.


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

op, you totally did the right thing. And you did it graciously. You have no need to feel guilty or bad in any way -- she has plenty of time to find another MOH.

My feeling is that this is the sort of woman who has been imagining her wedding day for years and years, and has every detail planned. You were long ago elected to play the role of MOH. Done deal! She's completely inflexible because *your* needs conflict with her long planned and completely choreographed Big Day.

You absolutely did the right thing by stepping out. But keep us posted with her sure-to-be-snarky reply!!!!


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## PapayaMom (Sep 6, 2004)

Ugh Bridezilla! You did a great job bowing out gracefully and with class. Let it be known that even ettiquette repects the breastfeeding relationship and Emily Post says that a breastfeeding babe is automatically invited to any event the mother attends except for State Dinners, so unless your friend is the Queen of England, you would be doing nothing inappropriate.


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

PapayaMom, where did you find the etiquette info? I just emailed Emily Post & asked about the 6 month old needing to be with mama & about the sole exclusion of my youngest daughter. Hope she responds quickly! I'm curious to know what the "proper" way to go about this is







.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Metasequoia, you did the right thing.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chinaKat*
op, you totally did the right thing. And you did it graciously. You have no need to feel guilty or bad in any way -- she has plenty of time to find another MOH.

My feeling is that this is the sort of woman who has been imagining her wedding day for years and years, and has every detail planned. You were long ago elected to play the role of MOH. Done deal! She's completely inflexible because *your* needs conflict with her long planned and completely choreographed Big Day.

You absolutely did the right thing by stepping out. But keep us posted with her sure-to-be-snarky reply!!!!










I agree! And I agree with the other poster who said this woman won't understand your position until she has kids of her own. Although, from the way you describe her attitude about bf and children, she may never understand!


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## PapayaMom (Sep 6, 2004)

Actually it was from a post from a previous thread on this subject. How I remembered that I don't know









Check out post #17 on this thread http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ight=etiquette


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

Thanks PapayaMom, I asked Periwinkle if she had the source of that quote - would be nice to be able to share the info with bridezilla if she thinks I"m being selfish about declining over this. Good memory, btw.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amyjeans*
At this point, I would respone with:
No, I cannot be your Maid of Honor. Thank you for the consideration, but I must respectfully decline. I wish you a wonderful day. Don't rehash your reasons, she is well aware of them, even if she thinks they're emotionally driven. (whatever)

She could have been more accomodating to you as well- by letting kids come to the wedding, or a number of other solutions to work with anyone.

Yes, yes, yes


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## Attila the Honey (Mar 15, 2003)

Metasequoia> You handled that well, and you did the right thing. This is going to avoid alot of heartache for all involved.

And congrats for being off the hook! Do you feel like a weight has been lifted?







I know I would!


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Attila the Honey*
Metasequoia>
And congrats for being off the hook! Do you feel like a weight has been lifted?







I know I would!

Do I ever!!!! Deep breath......

We also seem to have come to an agreement & are still okay as friends - phew! I think she just didn't let it marinate long enough, kwim? She was too quick in feeling like I was being difficult & stubborn.

She asked if she could come over to talk it over & when I replied that that was okay, I mentioned again that I didn't think I was the right person for the job & that hopefully, we'd be able to figure out a way that I could still attend as a guest. I suggested Dp staying behind the scenes with the baby during the ceremony (going for a walk) & then we'd just skip the reception & leave our Dd's at home.

This morning she responded saying that she'd like us to come, children are not invited, but they'd like to make an exception for the baby who is now welcome at the ceremony & the reception







. I think that is an excellent compromise, I just hope she is clear about me not being *in* the wedding - I think she is.

Our Dd's will be fine staying home with Nana, together.

Thanks Mama's


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I do not understand why people have such problems with "no children" events. If the bride and groom do not want kids at their wedding/reception, then that is how it should be. I had children in and at our wedding, but that was our decision. You know, it is not a crime to have all-adult events. We, as parents have the choice of not going, or getting a sitter and going. Having children sometimes means we do not always get to do what we might want to do all of the time.

Personally, I would not enjoy taking my very wiggly 1 yr old and my son with Autism, who is 6, to a wedding. Neither would enjoy themselves and would probably cause a ruckus. My 8 yr old would do much better.

Now, to the OP: I am glad you and your friend were able to work things out and still be friends. I would bow out if I could not meet the obligations, and could not get a sitter or whatever.


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## Attila the Honey (Mar 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
I do not understand why people have such problems with "no children" events.

I didn't see anyone having a problem with the "no children" events in this thread. To me that wasn't even the issue. The issue was that the Bride(zilla) wanted her bridesmaid to make the wedding her ultimate priority in life to the exclusion of her children and that was just not going to work.

And, childfree wedding or not, I think it was pretty insensitive to invite one child from the family and not the others.

Not everyone has access to sitters, or even feels comfortable hiring sitters, and if you have a child free event you should understand that and not get wacky when ppl aren't able to attend your event. I've seen that many times, brides (and grooms) expecting guests from out of town to either leave their children with someone for the weekend or expecting them to bring their child and let someone they barely know watch the child. Then, because they've offered that option they are completely not understanding about parents who decline the invitation.

(as for me, I would no sooner request that no children attend my wedding than I would request that no elderly people attend. But that's already been a thread or two!)


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Metasequoia, you are being way nicer than I would have been.

Regarding child free events, sure, people can decide to have them. But you know, it's funny, I don't enjoy the company of people like that anymore than they enjoy the company of my children. Sometimes people just grow apart, kwim?


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## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

lurking...


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
I do not understand why people have such problems with "no children" events. If the bride and groom do not want kids at their wedding/reception, then that is how it should be. I had children in and at our wedding, but that was our decision. You know, it is not a crime to have all-adult events. We, as parents have the choice of not going, or getting a sitter and going. Having children sometimes means we do not always get to do what we might want to do all of the time.

Personally, I would not enjoy taking my very wiggly 1 yr old and my son with Autism, who is 6, to a wedding. Neither would enjoy themselves and would probably cause a ruckus. My 8 yr old would do much better.

Now, to the OP: I am glad you and your friend were able to work things out and still be friends. I would bow out if I could not meet the obligations, and could not get a sitter or whatever.

I don't agree that it has to be either/or: meet obligations or bow out. Doesn't it seem preferable to discuss the underlying needs and come to a mutually agreeable solution? Bride wants children *in* the wedding, but not *at* the wedding. Bride wants *parents* at the wedding, but no children at the wedding. These seem to be somewhat mutually exclusive desires as some of us consider our parenting relationship inextricable from our other life choices. And if a *parent* is being requested to participate, her *children's* needs must be considered (by the parent and ostensibly by a friend). Children don't cease to exist just because someone wants them to be unseen and unheard....

I believe that relationships require work and communication about everyone's needs and that is exactly what the OP has endeavored (and requested help here) to do respectfully and with graciousness for the "honor" of the bride's request. I don't believe that one must sacrifice what one wants just because one has children. Sometimes the need to nurture is more pressing and primary than one's other social desires. I don't consider the choice to nurture a sacrifice though.

I believe the OP has modelled respectful consideration of her children's needs and communicated that to a non-mother who may forever remember how to decline social desires with grace in order to meet her dependent children's needs. There certainly isn't much of that happening in our culture and I earnestly feel that OP is an example of compassionate parenting.

Pat


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## LovemyBoo (Oct 11, 2004)

:

I don't think most people have a problem with child-free events, per se. The problems lies with the clash that can happen when either side takes it personally. Both sides are capable of being unreasonable in this situation.

_*Bride*: I want a completely child-free wedding.
*Friend*: In that case, I'm very sorry but I won't be able to attend as I can't leave my baby for that long.
*Bride*: What?!?! You are so selfish! Stop smothering that baby, it won't kill it to be with a babysitter for a few (meaning, all day) hours. I always knew you hated me._

OR

_*Bride*: I want a completely child-free wedding.
*Friend*: What?!?! I'm supposed to just leave my baby all day? You have NO idea what it's like to be a parent!! You are completely selfish, inconsiderate, and anti-child. I always knew you hated me!!_

The point is, if you really want someone to attend your function or if you really want to go - you have to work together to find some common ground. If you're the bride in this situation, you either need to work with your friend if you want her to attend, if you won't budge than you need to be prepared for your friend to back out. If you're the friend you need to be able to ask if an exception can be made and to be prepared to politely decline if one can't.

It's all a matter of each person knowing what their priorities are, how far they are willing to compromise, and being okay with the consequences of standing by their priorities. I think true friends can work it out. If it proves to be a big hassle, it's likely not worth it for either side.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *inezyv*
Regarding child free events, sure, people can decide to have them. But you know, it's funny, I don't enjoy the company of people like that anymore than they enjoy the company of my children. Sometimes people just grow apart, kwim?

My best friend asked me to be her Matron of Honour, and didn't want dd at the wedding. She didn't want dd, mostly because I'm the _only_ friend/relative that she has with small children. (My then 10-year-old son was invited.) That was okay, as dd would have been perfectly happy to be left with grandma. Then, grandma ended up going to the wedding, as well (this woman has been my closest female friend for...27 years). So...dd went, and that was fine. My friend was willing to be accommodating.

But, I think I agree with you, in general. I jsut didn't have anything in common with most of the people at that wedding. I like her new husband (had only met him once briefly before the wedding), and her stepchildren seemed really nice. But...one of the other bridesmaids just kept going on about "let's get this (the pictures) over with and get drunk - what else is a wedding for?" and stuff like that. I just can't relate at all. I left pretty early.

Personally - I love kids at weddings. Kids were invited to my first wedding, and the ring-bearer (almost three at the time) actually ended up "cutting in" on our first dance. We carried him around in circles with us...beautiful photo op. When I remarried, my brother acted as Best Man...and his two sons and his daughter spent most of the ceremony tugging on his pantleg.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Attila the Honey*
I didn't see anyone having a problem with the "no children" events in this thread. To me that wasn't even the issue. The issue was that the Bride(zilla) wanted her bridesmaid to make the wedding her ultimate priority in life to the exclusion of her children and that was just not going to work.

And, childfree wedding or not, I think it was pretty insensitive to invite one child from the family and not the others.

Not everyone has access to sitters, or even feels comfortable hiring sitters, and if you have a child free event you should understand that and not get wacky when ppl aren't able to attend your event. I've seen that many times, brides (and grooms) expecting guests from out of town to either leave their children with someone for the weekend or expecting them to bring their child and let someone they barely know watch the child. Then, because they've offered that option they are completely not understanding about parents who decline the invitation.

(as for me, I would no sooner request that no children attend my wedding than I would request that no elderly people attend. But that's already been a thread or two!)

You are preaching to the choir, LOL.









I realize that this bride was acting a bit "bridezilla"-ish. I also never said that the OP or anyone else here had a problem with child-free events. I also stated that I am glad she and her friend are able to work things out for the best.

I also stated that I had children in and at my wedding.

I said "people", not anyone in particular. And yes, there are some parents who really have a tizzy over not being allowed to bring their children to every single solitary party or event and get really hostile about it. I do not understand that logic just as much as I do not understand people getting upset over others not being able to come because of kids or mad because the parent will not leave their child with a stranger. THAT is what I have a problem with.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scubamama*
I don't agree that it has to be either/or: meet obligations or bow out. Doesn't it seem preferable to discuss the underlying needs and come to a mutually agreeable solution? Bride wants children *in* the wedding, but not *at* the wedding. Bride wants *parents* at the wedding, but no children at the wedding. These seem to be somewhat mutually exclusive desires as some of us consider our parenting relationship inextricable from our other life choices. And if a *parent* is being requested to participate, her *children's* needs must be considered (by the parent and ostensibly by a friend). Children don't cease to exist just because someone wants them to be unseen and unheard....

I believe that relationships require work and communication about everyone's needs and that is exactly what the OP has endeavored (and requested help here) to do respectfully and with graciousness for the "honor" of the bride's request. I don't believe that one must sacrifice what one wants just because one has children. Sometimes the need to nurture is more pressing and primary than one's other social desires. I don't consider the choice to nurture a sacrifice though.

I believe the OP has modelled respectful consideration of her children's needs and communicated that to a non-mother who may forever remember how to decline social desires with grace in order to meet her dependent children's needs. There certainly isn't much of that happening in our culture and I earnestly feel that OP is an example of compassionate parenting.

Pat


*I agree with you.* I was simply stating what I myself would do if a compromise just could not be worked out. I was not telling the OP what to do.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LovemyBoo*







:

I don't think most people have a problem with child-free events, per se. The problems lies with the clash that can happen when either side takes it personally. Both sides are capable of being unreasonable in this situation.

_*Bride*: I want a completely child-free wedding.
*Friend*: In that case, I'm very sorry but I won't be able to attend as I can't leave my baby for that long.
*Bride*: What?!?! You are so selfish! Stop smothering that baby, it won't kill it to be with a babysitter for a few (meaning, all day) hours. I always knew you hated me._

OR

_*Bride*: I want a completely child-free wedding.
*Friend*: What?!?! I'm supposed to just leave my baby all day? You have NO idea what it's like to be a parent!! You are completely selfish, inconsiderate, and anti-child. I always knew you hated me!!_

The point is, if you really want someone to attend your function or if you really want to go - you have to work together to find some common ground. If you're the bride in this situation, you either need to work with your friend if you want her to attend, if you won't budge than you need to be prepared for your friend to back out. If you're the friend you need to be able to ask if an exception can be made and to be prepared to politely decline if one can't.

It's all a matter of each person knowing what their priorities are, how far they are willing to compromise, and being okay with the consequences of standing by their priorities. I think true friends can work it out. If it proves to be a big hassle, it's likely not worth it for either side.


Exactly the point I was trying to make. Thank you.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

You did a wonderful job and handled it with grace. If it turns into a problem with your friendship, rest assured that you did the right thing, and that's all you have control in.

I can't even imagine what it's like to have three children, much less your childless friend. Seriously, having friends with children really doesn't count.


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## Metasequoia (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scubamama*
I believe the OP has modelled respectful consideration of her children's needs and communicated that to a non-mother who may forever remember how to decline social desires with grace in order to meet her dependent children's needs. There certainly isn't much of that happening in our culture and I earnestly feel that OP is an example of compassionate parenting.
Pat









Warm fuzzies, thanks Pat!


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