# I am NOT sick...



## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

So the IL's were here again, and before they left MIL gave me this huge (awkward for me) hug, and says, "oh Jean, I just hope you get feeling better & get stronger every day. We want you back at 100%."

Um, I'm not sick, my baby died. Geez louise. Anyone else being treated like they are infirm, rather than that they are greiving?


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## tree_hugger (Aug 22, 2004)

I think I would prefer that to everyone everyone acting like my miscarriage never happened, which is what is happening here.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KathleenRay* 
I think I would prefer that to everyone everyone acting like my miscarriage never happened, which is what is happening here.










I thnk I'd like that better too

but hugs to you both


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

First off, hugs







I'm so sorry for your loss.

It might just be your MIL's way of saying that she loves you and cares about you, without coming right out and saying it. She probably doesn't think you are sick she just feels a bit awkward using the L word with anyone other than her own children and spouse (that's my guess, I'm not a MIL







).

With my last loss I was very surprised by how affected my inlaws were, even more so than my own family. It was like my family was really worried for me only, while my inlaws worried about me and the baby lost. Just this last weekend I was home for my sis' wedding and stayed with one of my sister-in-laws for a night; she had a picture of Calliope (my little girl that was stillborn) in a frame in her room. I was so sad and touched at the same time seeing that picture. Your MIL might be grieving too and she doesn't have any way to express it except to hug you and say, feel better soon.


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

With my relationship with my MIL (she views me basically only as a pair of good birthing hips to pop out grandkids for her) it's very intrusive. I'm feeling great, not bleeding, not cramping, not anemic, but I am *sad.* When she's around she freaks out if I get up to get myself a drink of water, and when I was sweeping the floor I got yelled at. Everything is "should you really be doing that?"
I'm not an invalid, I'm not ill! I need to be able to get back into my routine, to see that this is part of life, and I need to be able to love & serve my other 2 kiddos!

I haven't had anyone acting like it didn't happen, but with this particular person, I'd really prefer that she pretend it not happen. I guess she is grieving, but I do not need to have to deal with her grief right now, nor do I believe what she is going through compares with what I am, since I had a spiritual connection with this child, and she had an idea that there would be a baby in March...I'd say its probably more along the lines of disappointment & her usual drama. And I don't really think I should have to compete with it, or have her walk into my house and start crying all over me, projecting her feelings onto me. Maybe that sounds like I'm a horrible insensitive person, but I do not really have a relationship with her, and I'm not comfortable mourning around her, or having her emotions on me, let alone all her questions about how & when I'm going to get pregnant again (with DH's work schedule, he's gone a lot, she wants to know the details of how we are going to time a conception...TMI!). Right now, I have no plans to get pregnant again, maybe ever, but at least not until it feels right. I feel like to her, this is about the baby only, her getting another tally mark in her numbers of grandkids, and me resting up so I can get pregnant again ASAP. As well as all the questions about the physical process, what did I see, what did the Dr do...I don't want to share the details of my pelvic exam or wether or not the methigine caused a headache-not with her anyway. Not anyone can be a support person just because they want to, and with her I get the distinct feeling that she feels uncomfortable so her "helping" is really about making herself feel better, not so much about helping me. Anyway, this is turning into a huuuuuge rant. She came her at her own insistence to "help" and her attempts at laundry & cooking have meant washing our clothes in fabric softeners (she sent FIL to the store because I don't have "appropriate" laundry supplies) that me & the kids are allergic to, and she ruined some of my nice pans & half my stuff I now cannot find because its been "put away" in random places. She made a point of telling me that the way my kitchen is organized "makes no sense." But I can't get up to tell her where something is, because I am "ill and should be resting."

This was last week, she finally left on Sunday, thank goodness. I feel like I've been relieved from being on house arrest! Thanks for listening to my crazy rant. I feel like Deborah on Everybody Loves Raymond.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Wow, Jean! I'd be ranting too! What is it about women that allows them to be good mothers and lame mother-in-laws?

I haven't been treated as a baby factory yet. Instead, family has ranged from "who cares?" to "you never were pregnant." Neither of us is having the best of luck are we!


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
Wow, Jean! I'd be ranting too! What is it about women that allows them to be good mothers and lame mother-in-laws?


I wish I knew!!! She really was a great mom to DH growing up, I'll give her that!

*hugs* I'm sorry your family is being insensitive! *hugs*


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Ahh! _Women_!









Yeah, I don't know. That just seemed to fit.









My MIL is just as bad. Think "long distance blank stare." She hasn't said a word regarding our baby. I assume, if she did, it would be something like, "And?"

Peace to you, me, and all others with such MILs.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I got a little of that too and it was really irritating. It seemed like the person was more interested in playing the nice role in their story about how I was doing rather than asking me how I was doing and finding out the reality of it.

HTH--good wishes to you


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *normajean* 
she views me basically only as a pair of good birthing hips to pop out grandkids for her

That is horrible! Okay, so she's not afraid of the L word, she's just thinking of herself only. I really hate people who use tragedy to make themselves feel like the good guy by doing a bunch of stuff that ultimately stresses you out. Try to spend as much time away from her as you can.


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
That is horrible! Okay, so she's not afraid of the L word, she's just thinking of herself only. I really hate people who use tragedy to make themselves feel like the good guy by doing a bunch of stuff that ultimately stresses you out. Try to spend as much time away from her as you can.










Now I feel vindicated!









We recently had an opportunity to move, and I jumped at the chance, just to be away from her. It was lots worse living in the same town, and having her gossip about me all over the place! I should really count my blessings to be 5 hours away now.


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## Whittliz (Oct 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KathleenRay* 
I think I would prefer that to everyone everyone acting like my miscarriage never happened, which is what is happening here.









This happened with my first too.........







:

As for the treating me like I'm sick, that never happened. Everyone pretty much ignored my physical healing. I'm a touch bitter....can you tell?


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