# Life after Stillbirth...G-d help me



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

I am now living my worst fear and I still can barely believe it. My baby was born still. Really? Yes. Really. Sorry just need to remind myself that this is not a figment of my imagination even though I feel like I'm in an out of body experience 24/7.

I haven't posted in a few days so I figured I'd make some sort of noise here just to let it be known I'm somewhat alive. It's been a tough week for both DH and myself. However I've been trying to give him as much of myself as I can because he suddenly went through a shift in grieving and has been really letting the tears rip which is very uncharacteristic of him in general.

We're really going back and forth supporting eachother. It sort of seems like when I'm weak and can't so it anymore he has this gift of holding me up and likewise I get some seemingly magical ability to totally keep him above water when he's sinking. We cry and cry together. It's good but so bad and I hate it but I want it. Total madness. It's hard to watch him suffer... then the guilt comes and I begin to feel as though I stole his son from him. My mind starts betraying my rationale and I restart the same struggles of grief that I had already started and ended several other times that day. My head spins and I am yet again looking for a way to survive the horrible pain that grips my soul and tries to eat me alive.

I miss my son. I want him here. I want to smell him and sleep near him. I want to nurse him and stare at his dreamy face while the milk drips down his fat chin. I feel cheated... ripped off!!!!!

For the first time in 3 weeks, I felt an uncontrollable rage. It scared me. I refused to submit to it because it was so deep that I feared losing my mind.
I'd like to skip over the anger part but I know I will deal with it... it has to come I imagine as part of figuring out how to live again after Micah's death.

I just want to know if I'm ever going to be able to go to the grocery store ever again without feeling like I'm in a wacked out "fun house" at the county fair with crooked mirrors and people with no faces around every corner. Will I ever NOT suffer panic attacks at the sight of a mother with her little babe in public?

I want to be as supportive to others as you ladies on here are toward me... I really struggle with that right now because I can barely help myself. It's hard for me to even write but I'm forcing myself because I know it's good. You are all wonderful so please don't interpret my silence as not caring. I know I shouldn't probably be concerned with that but I can't help it.

I want to write out Micah's birth story so bad. I need to be in the quiet without anyone around when I do it. I am afraid of it because it's so painful when it replays in my mind but I feel like it's part of my process. I will do it soon and when I do it will be the right moment for me. I know it's safe to share it here. You all get it. You know. You understand.

Thinking of my Micah every second...


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## scheelimama (Aug 2, 2003)

: I have absolutely no advice but wanted to offer a hug and let you know you are not crazy.


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

I didn't want to read your thread and not reply. I'm so sorry.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

oh sweetheart, you sound very very normal and right where youre supposed to be. god i remember that topsy turvey funhouse world, going through all that in a bit of shock, wonderign if ANYTHING would ever be the same.

and i love how you describe your relationship with DH. that sounds familiar to me too. dh and i only got stronger and deeper as a result of our experience.

keep getting it out. keep getting support. keep letting people help you, even though it will be weird and ackward and they'll screw it up. take your time. know that you might be in actual shock. if you have faith, ask to be held and taken care of.

it DOES get better, i promise. i know youre in so much pain and you might feel nuts but you sound TOTALLy normal to me. big hugs to you and your family.


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## xbabymamax (Jun 19, 2005)

im so sorry.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Thank you for the hugs mamas...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollycat* 
and i love how you describe your relationship with DH. that sounds familiar to me too. dh and i only got stronger and deeper as a result of our experience.

It's funny, one of my worst fears in the very beginning was that I would lose my husband too. I thought back to stories that I heard of marriages not surviving this kind of tragedy and thought how I couldn't bear losing him too. But our experience so far hasn't been that at all and I couldn't be more thankful. He is my absolute rock. I know we'll make it. Sometimes I feel like we won't make it to tomorrow even IF we're together. But we do. It's almost been 1 month- unbelievable. Where have I been? I don't even really recall that time passing by... just feels like 1 loooooooooooong day.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Stronger and deeper - what a great way to describe it. Same for DH and me, too.

I'm so sorry that you're having to experience this - you should have Micah and be so sleep deprived you cry at the drop of a hat. You should be so blissfully happy even through your hormones and sleep deprivation right now. You should be doing all the things that come with caring for and loving your new baby.

The living nightmare feeling does start to lessen. It's been a little over three months since our newborn son died. I don't expect our lives will ever feel normal. We will always have such a deep sense of grief in our hearts and souls.

Writing about it has helped me a lot and going back a reading and re-reading what I've written has been healing, too. I have to have quiet time to write in my journal. I hope you are able to find the right moment to write out your birth story.

I know that my faith has played a strong part in my survival through this. I've had plenty of doubts and plenty of "why"s and just when my grief becomes unbearable I send up a prayer that I can't take it anymore and God takes it for me for a while. I can't explain it but it happens and even when I'm at a point where my doubts are greatest there is a sense that God is with me even if sometimes I'm so mad at him I don't want him around. Does that make sense?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Know that we grieve with you and don't put any parameters on your grief. You feel what you feel and one day you'll be able to support others but right now you just need to take care of yourself and DH and vice versa.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milkymommi* 
Thank you for the hugs mamas...

It's funny, one of my worst fears in the very beginning was that I would lose my husband too. I thought back to stories that I heard of marriages not surviving this kind of tragedy and thought how I couldn't bear losing him too. But our experience so far hasn't been that at all and I couldn't be more thankful. He is my absolute rock. I know we'll make it. Sometimes I feel like we won't make it to tomorrow even IF we're together. But we do. It's almost been 1 month- unbelievable. Where have I been? I don't even really recall that time passing by... just feels like 1 loooooooooooong day.

and i remember THAT too. youre a great writer, btw.
i so remember time stopping. it always does with grief, and i remember with my dad dying that in some ways that can be almost magical. its like you see all bullsh*t as just that. so little that you thought was important matters. it really deepens and reorders your life, if you can bear looking at it that way.

i have an old friend who has a serious cancer. we havent been so close in recent years, and we dont speak intimately to each other. but he wrote today an incredibly intimate email of love. embarassment, self consciousness, all that wasted energy all that goes out the window. you and hubby will be able to understand and process things on a deeper level going forward, and if youre like us, the small things that can destroy other relationships wont even touch you.

i will tell you now im preggo and close to delivery with a baby i conceived exactly one year to the day of the stillbirth. i know its hard for many women and i honor that. for me its been soooo easy. the things that REALLY get other preggo women down dont even phase me.

but youre in the thick of it now, sweetie. let yourself totally take care of yourself and hubby, let yourself have all your feelings, and take all the time in the world. like i said, you sound really normal.


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## ladybugzz (Aug 4, 2004)

I couldn't read and not respond - Big hugzz momma. I cannot even imagine your pain - be good to you, take one minute, hour, day at a time.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

You sound EXACTLY like how I felt:

* The guilt about everything and terrible shame at not giving my Harry his baby he was so excited about.
* The fear of losing him (I even once asked him if he was going to stay with me, not because I felt he was going to leave, but because I couldn't imagine him wanting to stay with someone as much of a failure as me)
* The anger at everything - especially my high pressure job which was insane toward the end and which I do actually attribute my placental abruption to...
* The crying with one another.
* The holding one another up in times where one or the other couldn't stand.
* Being afraid of the grocery store - I had to ease myself into going out ANYWHERE in public.

But...I am doing better. And you know these were only certain times - I still could write coherently at times. Sometimes I cried my eyes through half a box of Kleenex...sometimes I still do (like this morning, for example).

But! I am healing! Physically SO well - in another week, despite my c section, I will be back to normal, according to my lovely midwife. That's awesome! I no longer have any milk leaking - that is awesome. I know Josie isn't here with me - I accept it. My body needs to heal. I am healing.

I love Josie with all of me heart - it's the biggest feeling I've ever, ever known - that amazing bond - wow... She isn't here and I don't find myself scrabbling to reach her in the dark anymore, and I don't feel guilty for not feeling that way because she cannot hear me, or see me...she's at peace. I miss her terribly but she is at peace, and I must try to give myself the permission to be at peace too. Every day that permission stretches further and further. I don't miss her any less, and I never will, but the permission for peace is bigger each day.

You will find peace. It might take longer, or shorter than other people and sometimes is based on underlying feelings you have of yourself quite apart from your pregnancy and birth, you know? Really in the end it depends on your own permission, I think. You will be here - you won't go crazy or fall in a pit or be boiled alive by your grief - you will come through it.

Hugs and more hugs to you - I got your PM and it's fine







I will be waiting whenevr you have them ready







XXX


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## halfadozen (Feb 4, 2008)

I am completely resonating with you, and I hope that is a comfort. SO many of the things you have said could have been me saying them. Our daughter (our sixth child) was stillborn at fullterm in July.

Quote:

_I am now living my worst fear and I still can barely believe it. My baby was born still. Really? Yes. Really. Sorry just need to remind myself that this is not a figment of my imagination even though I feel like I'm in an out of body experience 24/7._
I remember having that conversation with myself repeatedly - "OMG, my baby DIED. I gave birth to an 8lb DEAD baby. WHAT???!!"



_Quote:_

It's funny, one of my worst fears in the very beginning was that I would lose my husband too. I thought back to stories that I heard of marriages not surviving this kind of tragedy and thought how I couldn't bear losing him too. But our experience so far hasn't been that at all and I couldn't be more thankful. He is my absolute rock.

I was so scared of how we'd react. So scared of him and I being distant. But, especially in that first month or so, we were so incredibly tender with each other. I don't remember ever feeling so attached to my husband.

Quote:

_I don't even really recall that time passing by... just feels like 1 loooooooooooong day._
You know how everyone talks at the end of the summer about how FAST the summer went?! Nope. Not our summer. The longest ever. We aged years and years in those months.

Quote:

_I just want to know if I'm ever going to be able to go to the grocery store ever again without feeling like I'm in a wacked out "fun house" at the county fair with crooked mirrors and people with no faces around every corner. Will I ever NOT suffer panic attacks at the sight of a mother with her little babe in public?_
Going to the grocery store was the rawest time of all for me. Just terrifying. It is better now. Almost normal.

Love and prayers to you. I know I will never be the same.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

We can all relate so well to each other! No one else knows the pain and the thoughts unless they've been in our shoes.. I find it amazing whenever I read other peoples posts how our thoughts are SOOOO similar.. almost like I could have written your words myself! It's been 9 weeks since my baby boy died.. and things haven gotten easier.. i don't sob regularly now.. though I do usually get misty eyed every day. I still miss him terribly.. this just should NEVER have happened to any of us!


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

If I try to imagine experiencing with you have, I feel panicked and absolutely terrified. I know there is nothing I can say that will help. I am so, so sorry.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry, Milkymommi.
















Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
I even once asked him if he was going to stay with me, not because I felt he was going to leave, but because I couldn't imagine him wanting to stay with someone as much of a failure as me

I'll second JayJay and say this was me too. I said, "I'm so sorry" to him over and over and over.... The absolute feeling of failure overwhelmed me. I kept thinking 'I killed my baby', how could anyone love me?

It really is amazing how some of our relationships stand so very strong when a baby is lost. That back and forth holding each other up. You feel like the world is collapsing and there is that one person who is going through exactly the same thing as you. So you grab hold and hope that they keep you afloat, and they do.


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## sanguine_speed (May 25, 2005)

I am so sorry.


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

Couldn't read and not offer you a big


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Yes, Yes, Yes ... to EVERYTHING you said. I read your post and it was like reading my own life there.

With regards to our marriages: I have decided that I have no power over any of this situation - in the sense that I can't rewind time, I can't bring my daughter back - but I do have choices in some of the areas of my grief. DH and I have made a conscious pact to make this horrible tragedy a force for good in our marriage not bad. The bond between us has been immense since losing Emma.

I also hear you on the rage front ... I have never been as angry as I am right now. It simmers beneath the surface but sometimes it has to come out you know. I went for a drive and just howled - literally screamed myself hoarse. There were no words for the pain and rage I felt that night. It felt better letting it out - although I had a sore throat for a day or two!

I believe it will get better for us ... we will learn to honour our babies' memories and miss them in a way that isn't so painful. Just posting your thoughts here is sooo helpful to others. This is a lonely place to be - hearing from other mothers helps.


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

unfortunately, it sounds like you guys are doing a great job of surfing thru this (looking for right word...) awful, holy, deep, painful time.

it just hurts....let it out.

and, i do feel better now.

Rain (still born 41 weeks) would be two this year (she is about 3 days younger than your na'omi)

her death ripped me up. it almost killed me.
but i can promise you that the woman phoenix that rose up from her ashes is an amazingly powerful, grounded, joyful, grateful, peaceful woman.

her life/death has had infinite gifts.....including the gift of survival.

i send you all much love, peace, and grace...and hope.

ps my favorite wisdom someone here told me after she died: as deep as your sorrow is now, so too will some day be your capacity to feel joy...

and with sleeping solomon osiris here on my lap (milky fat and mine), i can attest to it being true.
i love both my live children now with a force like no other.

you all her in my prayers
peace


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

i just had to quote jayjay

I miss her terribly but she is at peace, and I must try to give myself the permission to be at peace too. Every day that permission stretches further and further. I don't miss her any less, and I never will, but the permission for peace is bigger each day.

so so so very well put, i teared up with pride at my journey when i read that

thank you


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## beka1977 (Aug 1, 2004)




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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Milkymommi - your post is so familiar....wait, I was living like that nearly a year ago. during that time I lived second to second, minute to minute. I cried, screamed, became angry....just let the emotions flow. All the moms on here with late losses have great advise. Some are further away (Amy, MJ) and some are very close in timing to you (JayJay, SMR). I think we can all resonate with what you are experiencing
My relationship with DH strengthened and just like you stated, we propped each other up based on who was stronger at the time. Currently, I have no doubt that DH is stronger and is further down the healing road than I am. But, the love and bond has grown stronger....not weakened.
Peace....some measure of peace will come with time. At first I could only feel the rage but then I did allow peace to enter in ever so slowly. I would say that I'm not totally at peace with my daughter not living but I'm gaining a measure of acceptance. I can't change what happened and neither can you but we can allow ourselves to not feel guilty about it. I know this is very difficult and I still struggle with the guilt factor....but it is better than it was a year ago. Anyway, just wanted you to know that I'm out here too to support you and all the other momma's with lost babies.

Peace and Strength, D.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

i have a sleeping toddler in my lap and I have an appointment to be at by 1:00... i just wanted to post saying I have lots to respond to and I'll be back later to reply with 2 hands


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## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)




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## mamamelia (Apr 14, 2005)

i couldn't read this and not post a hug at the very least.























i am so sorry mama. nothing i can say right now seems sufficient enough. you and your beautiful little boy are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## JTA Mom (Feb 25, 2007)




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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Your words definitely resonate with me. I remember being in that same place. The entire spring and summer are a foggy blur. My only advice is to continue to let your emotions go with the flow...feel deeply whatever you need to at any given time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

huge huge weepy and tearful hugs to you.

remember there is no wrong way to grieve. We all do it differently. especially men. I'm so glad to see your post here. It sounds as if you are functioning. we all KNOW how tough this is. yeah it's been the crappiest summer of my life. Do I say that to people who ask? dunno.

It's helpful to think what a pp said about experiencing the opposite in joy. I truly believe that although it's hard to think about that through our grief emotions.

with very much love,
Rebecca


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## Mimi (Oct 8, 2008)

I have no advice, but i did not just want to leave.


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