# "Dear, our daughter told us this morning that she is transgender."



## dharma.wheel (Jul 9, 2016)

I came here first.

Hubbie just told me that 14 yr/old DD told him last night (I was asleep), "I'm transgender."

Hubbie says:

-DD says she will tell me after school.
--Two older sisters already know.

This has really gone nowhere...supportive noises, no discussion.

To ea other, hubbie and I have said...DD knows what transgender means. We think?

--DD is not girly but was never a tomboy. We never noticed, hmmm she likes boys' clothes, boys' toys.

--DD is not chatty but she is definitely happy and healthy. She has girl and guy friends. 

--DD cut her long hair shortish in the Spring. She favors dark Ts and dark jeans.

Her grades are good and she is friends with her sisters. She likes me but isn't into a Mom/Daughter talkie relationship (see other thread).

She is only 14, not planning to do much but make "we love you" sounds...

Research, counselor...experienced voices? Is this the new new or a phase or whatever?

TIA!

Questions welcome, questions answered.


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## pokeyac (Apr 1, 2011)

You can get some information and support from PFLAG and Gender Spectrum. It may be a phase it may not be. Kids today are much more fluid in their gender expressions and identity than earlier generations were. There is a wide range of how people express their gender but it's best to be respectful of how people identify themselves and use the pronouns that the person wants to use.


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

Its not a 'phase', this is who your child is. You need to accept your child for whoever they are. It has nothing to do with a hair cut, toys, clothes, its not about outward appearances, its an internal feeling- its a deep feeling, a knowing the person has. The best thing a parent can do is respect the child, honor the pronouns, the name the child wishes to be called and put supports in place for the child. If your child wants counseling then yes , help them find a counselor THEY feel comfortable with. But if YOU want counseling then by all means seek out counseling for yourself. Your childs gender is not something you did, its not something you created, you caused, you did or didnt do. This is YOUR CHILD and its your responsibility as a parent to protect your child from a world that is not understand.
You may need to advocate at the school, you may need to advocate in the community but this is your child.


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

I wanted to come back to this- you seem to be overly focused on grades, friends, sisters etc. Those may be your 'things' but you need to step back and examine what is truly important to your child. Those 3 things keep coming up in all your posts "grades, friends, sisters".
I'm not exactly sure what 'we love you sounds' means? 
"this has really gone no where'- supportative noises, no discussion- well there needs to be discussion.
The fact her sisters know, and now her father knows, and you are the last to know says something. The posts that this child does not want to spend time with you, or you feel like s/he doesnt want to spend time with you was a red flag. You may not come across as understanding, approachable etc. And with the comments of ''no discussion' 'supportative noises' 'gone nowhere' that sounds like you plan on ignoring his/her statements.
Your child is going to be whomever they are going to be, as a parent you need to provide unconditional love and support.

Here are some book recommendations

https://www.amazon.com/Gender-Quest...07852872&sr=8-3&keywords=transgender+workbook

https://www.amazon.com/Trans-Bodies...coding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=QGDGWAJ1ST7WAA8Y1VD8

https://www.amazon.com/Transgender-...coding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RR0CRN7P99B3XQH73101

https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Magen...coding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KQ71H73BH8NV3GVD6EN6

https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Ryla...coding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=NX63410NVQCFWJ97KSWZ


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## dharma.wheel (Jul 9, 2016)

Thank you, parents! Zebra, thank you. I appreciate the resources and will use them, thanks. 

Zebra, DD 3 is fine w/me as far as I can tell. And I do think she is! Wanting more chat w/her, I've kept it to myself, I support her and she does know and let me know she knows. As for her sisters and Dad knowing, I've been travelling and I teach online at night and sleep / backward hrs / my students are in China. DH told me this morning that she said she was eager to speak w/me after school today.

I mention the sisters, friends, interests because they indicate to me that she is happy - those are my indicators. It may be old fashioned, but poor grades and isolation would indicate depression. It may be old fashioned but gender dysphoria would go hand in hand w/ depression? Maybe not. Anyway, she is not / does not seem unhappy.

I was not home last night. DH spoke with her then and this morning....he asked her for a thought report casually; she said she was "not sure" - felt this way not at the start of puberty but after a while into puberty. He says she does not / cannot put a time frame on her thinking. She says she wants to explore this with a therapist and told him she would see her pediatrician. 

You can be sure we support each of our daughters in whatever path they take and "whoever" they are. Certainly. So, I did jump in here because it is a welcoming community. I have no idea how speaking w/ DD3 will go. Will it "be clear" ? It is scary. My heart pounds, nothing like this before. There is some PTSS because my biological son was killed in a car accident. This is a shock and there is a trauma feeling. Don't worry, I will be fine with her. We know that her happiness and wellbeing are paramount.


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## dharma.wheel (Jul 9, 2016)

Caveat: if this is how it is, no argument. But there is some talk about <cringe> "Trans being the new Black" - something SOME kids are using for attention - there are articles. Of course, those authors an agenda.

Deep breathe,....


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## dharma.wheel (Jul 9, 2016)

PS, if anyone is reading and has ideas.....this afternoon's talk? Wait for DD to raise the topic? Then just navigate? Any tips for questions? Prompts?

Also, DD is in the dance club...relevant at all, yes, no , why, how? TIA.


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## mumto1 (Feb 17, 2016)

I guess the only thing you can do is be neutrally supportive, you don't want to force a stance because she finds she needs to oppose you. She may not fully know what she's thinking or feeling yet. Although for some gay people I've known, it was a part of the feeling of who they were/are for a very very long time (including childhood). I don't know if it's a possibility, but maybe she doesn't see herself as a typical female person and is searching for an identity (and acting more "male" may possibly be making her feel more empowered).


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## zebra15 (Oct 2, 2009)

This is from the DSM-5

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoria

I would approach my child and simply say 'is there anything you want to talk about' if the say 'no', leave it at that and simply say 'ok, if you change your mind, im here to listen when you are ready'. There are many ways to communicate, some individuals prefer to talk, some prefer to text, some prefer to journal back and forth.


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## Natalia Zakomirna (Nov 19, 2017)

It's important to say words of love. I think, that you should back up your children. Every person is unique, and we should respect any step of our children.


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## Maiasaura (Aug 12, 2002)

How's it going now?
I haven't been on the forums in ages, mostly because my kid seems to have "aged out" (he's turning 17 in a few days), so I don't come as much.
But in the last year, I have now two trans partners, and I'm well hooked into the trans "community" (as it were) locally. I have two friends that have trans kids-- they are, or were, part of Mothering.com and may still be around. One's son is I think 13 or 14, and the other's daughter is also 14, IIRC. They really are who they say they are. One's known since she was a preschooler, and I remember that. I think the other just came out. Both families are super supportive.
Trans isn't a phase. As someone upthread said, it's a deep "knowing"-- IOW, when did you realize you were a female? Since you could remember? It's like that for them. Only, their genitals don't match this deep knowing. 
I think it's more prevalent now, to be trans, because kids now are more open and accepting. Dysphoria is huge among "older" folks because they often had to hide their true gender so as to get along in society. 
Some people are bi-gender. My one partner is. They consider themselves also "third gender", neither male nor female, more or less. They said to me, "If there'd been an internet when I was a teen (they're 57), there might never have been a <their male name>". They don't feel safe "out", so present as male unless they feel utterly safe. 
My other partner, who IDs as female, is 55yo and has HUGE dysphoria. She's just come out in the past year or two and presents as female all the time, now. 
You'll do alright. Be as supportive as you are able, be honest, open, communicate, communicate, communicate, is what I'd say. You could say something like "I admit I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this, but I want you to know I have your back in all ways. Help me navigate, please." 
Anyway. 
Just wanted to send my experience, and support <3


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## dharma.wheel (Jul 9, 2016)

Hi Moms, dropping in to report that my daughter is doing well - she has been seeing a gifted therapist for many weeks now. She likes the therapist. We have pitched in with family time (lots of cooking, for instance), and her older sister was home for a month and spent a lot of time with her doing sister things and exploring identity questions.As a threesome we talked at lunches too. Daughter defines herself as "gender fluid" and characterizes herself as on a journey, although I don't know what words she would use to describe it! Every day, especially weekends, I make it a point to have a plan with her - she participates - today we cooked and I got her started on Japanese lessons online. Over Spring break she and I and her sister are going somewhere warm together.

Her sister was a big help in getting her to be more than a gender identity (her therapist helps here and I try) - I have almost gotten her to sign up for photography lessons and hip-hop without pressuring her into anything. Yesterday we went to a pet store and she petted the rabbits. She said Yes when I asked her if she would like to do volunteer work with animals. 

We have internet and phone curfews in place now, too. It feels like a good place, I will know more as the weeks and months unfold - I have hopes for her well-being for the week away with her sister, away from the internet, etc., time to think. At a lunch a few weeks ago, I asked her if she were happy and she said Yes! And she sounded like she meant it. So wherever she is in her discover, she says she is happy. In our first meeting with her therapist, the therapist told me and my husband privately that her trans teens are not happy. We are a work in progress, but cooking and petting rabbits is good.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

I haven't been on Mothering in ages, but just saw this thread and thought I would chime in. My dd1 has many friends in the queer community and many friends who have identified as trans and who then have changed their minds and some who have stuck with it and fully transitioned. These are the years they are just figuring things out for themselves and for some teens it's easier than others. There are so many more choices now and it can be hard to figure out where you fit in when you're already feeling the awkward teen years. I think the main thing is to give them space to figure stuff out and let them know that you will support them. Don't let them paint themselves into a corner, though. Try to give them some wiggle room even if they seem sure because sometimes that is a cover for insecurity and uncertainty. I would avoid hormones and other medical interventions because so many kids are changing their minds. You don't want to do anything irreversible. Continue to be supportive and see how things are later. Remember that pre-frontal cortex that governs executive function and emotional development doesn't fully develop until the mid-20s. No matter how mature they seem there is still a lot of growing to do. Internet and phone curfews are a great idea!

Check https://4thwavenow.com for "skeptical" parents and The Human Rights Council for queer support of transgender youth: https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics

This is an article in Psychology Today from a mom whose daughter came out as trans: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-aims-decipher-teen-s-transgender-declaration.


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## mother-earth (Feb 28, 2018)

Hey,

I would suggest you think about taking your kid to therapy. 

Whether it's a phase or not (I believe it's not), your kid definitely must be experiencing doubts and anxiety communicating it to both to you and to DD's peers. Overall, I'm a big proponent of therapy and I think anyone can benefit from it.


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