# You know you're the parent of a toddler when . . .



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Let's collect some funny things we've dealt with or remember as parents of toddlers.

You know you're the parent of a toddler when . ..

. . . you automatically put everything breakable or important on something higher than 3 feet.

. . . if you can't find your keys, you look in any available shoes first.

Share some of your own!


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## craftymcgluestick (Dec 31, 2009)

...you schedule all appointments after mentally adding in the hour to hour and a half it will take to get your kids dressed and in the car (and if lucky: fed and not screaming), in addition to traffic, etc.


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## dalia (Sep 3, 2007)

You have to wash your child's things because the dog peed on them...and your dog's things because your child peed on them!!!


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## Ola_ (Sep 5, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> . . . you automatically put everything breakable or important on something higher than 3 feet.


Yes! Even at other people's houses I pretty much do a scan and start moving things as soon as we get there. I'm sure they have a great time rearranging things after we leave.

...you schedule all appointments and visits so that they don't interfere with nap time

...you need a big purse to carry the obligatory snack/drink/toy to distract with in


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## crunchymama19 (Apr 9, 2011)

You have strange rules in your house such as - "No throwing the cat at mommy."


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## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

You get told no 5 times as much as you say it.


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## bruebee (Feb 21, 2012)

You have to tell them no licking the dog, couch, reef tank, or mommy.


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## baltmom (Nov 8, 2011)

...you slow down while driving past firehouses to look for firetrucks even when your toddler isn't in the car.

...you get all the way to work without realizing you never switched off the toddler CD after dropping your toddler off at preschool.


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

...you instinctively protect grown adults from swings at the park


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## skycheattraffic (Apr 16, 2012)

Lol these are fabulous!!!

... When you start talking to your pets as if they were toddlers: "no thank you, kitty" or "I'll give you food in a minute, pumpkin"

... You and your spouse use toddler lingo in that precious hour of wakefulness after toddler bedtime


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## newmamalizzy (Jul 23, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *skycheattraffic*
> 
> Lol these are fabulous!!!
> 
> ...


And GD tactics during arguments!


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## dalia (Sep 3, 2007)

You ask the cashier at the store where the potty is even if your toddler isn't with you.


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## Katie8681 (Dec 29, 2010)

...it no longer occurs to you to close the door to the bathroom when you "go potty".


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## skycheattraffic (Apr 16, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Katie8681*
> 
> ...it no longer occurs to you to close the door to the bathroom when you "go potty".


... At other people's houses lol


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## kitteh (Jun 25, 2009)

...you can't relax at yoga class due to the anxiety produced by seeing all of the electrical outlets without safety plugs in them. Even though the toddler in question is at home with daddy.


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## susanmary (Nov 28, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *baltmom*
> 
> ...you slow down while driving past firehouses to look for firetrucks even when your toddler isn't in the car.
> 
> Haha ... rings so true :-D


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## Catholic Mama (Nov 7, 2006)

...you sit with her for 10+ minutes in the bathroom waiting for her to do something into the toilet, and smell poop in her diaper 1 minute after you put it on.


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## rainface (Dec 18, 2007)

You have uttered the statements "mommy gets to pee too" and "the cat is not for licking", also, you accidentally tell your coworkers you're hungry and need to go get "bites".


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## InspiredCT (May 16, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CrunchyMama19*
> 
> You have strange rules in your house such as - "No throwing the cat at mommy."


HAHAHA!


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## mama amie (Jul 3, 2011)

... You sing the Happy Birthday song twice each time you wash your hands, to be sure you washed long enough.

... You panic at the absence of your child in the grocery cart before you remember she's in the carrier right on your chest.


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## GiftingTraveler (Aug 30, 2013)

...it gets eerily silent. That means trouble!


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## Catholic Mama (Nov 7, 2006)

you've learned that right when you finally sit down is when you're most needed.


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## Irielyn (Aug 23, 2013)

you decide to do a few dishes while hes happily playing with his train tracks...then return not but 3 minutes later to find him coloring his penis blue with an ink pen.......(not fun to wash off)


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Irielyn*
> 
> you decide to do a few dishes while hes happily playing with his train tracks...then return not but 3 minutes later to find him coloring his penis blue with an ink pen.......(not fun to wash off)


Sounds like something my little one would do... and thankfully hasn't thought of it yet! lol


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## Nancy424 (Sep 5, 2013)

You get to chase your child around the house. You keep on arranging the books on the shelf since our kids keep on getting them. You tend to watch Barney or any other cartoons with them !

Beautiful life it is !


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

Special things that have been kept in good condition for years are now either broken, misplaced or grimy.


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## Magali (Jun 8, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Catholic Mama*
> 
> you've learned that right when you finally sit down is when you're most needed.


Oh yes! I made a rule last night. When I sit down to eat, no one is allowed to ask me for anything, unless it's an emergency.


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## livelovelaughbe (Sep 5, 2013)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CraftyMcGluestick*
> 
> ...you schedule all appointments after mentally adding in the hour to hour and a half it will take to get your kids dressed and in the car (and if lucky: fed and not screaming), in addition to traffic, etc.


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## livelovelaughbe (Sep 5, 2013)

I must have been doing this subconsciously for 18 years.


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## skycheattraffic (Apr 16, 2012)

You hear ANY wet noise (cat drinking, breast milk squirting into the pump, etc) and you jump up with a rag and a pair of undies to clean up kiddo and the rug


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## princessmama (Jun 5, 2006)

Haha! These are great


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## Autumnshades (Apr 18, 2011)

... The coffee table is not for 'painting' on with the contents of a sippy cup...
... No shoes are not to be licked ...
... Dixie cups don't go in the toilet and aren't to be flushed ...
... Bread machine is not for storing toys in...


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## abbysmom0203 (Sep 23, 2011)

You never have clean towels in the house because you always have to clean up messes.

You know the words to every children's song and tv show.


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## littleBmyers (Sep 5, 2013)

...you are trying to explain something to your husband and you say, "Look at mommy..." or "Now, listen to mommy" by accident...


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## alexa308 (Nov 1, 2012)

,,,your missing underwear are currently being worn as a hat

&#8230;you spend ten minutes shouting out random food items while your child emits a series of grunts and squeals while pointing at the refrigerator

&#8230;you look in the mirror and discover you've been walking around with four owl stickers on your face for the last two hours


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## Kristy Earls (Sep 6, 2013)

You can't keep eggs in house, because it is too much fun to break them on the floor.


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## craftymcgluestick (Dec 31, 2009)

No one in your house is college-aged, but you feel like you're living in a frat house with the level of order and randomness of objects you come across. Oh hai solo cups in the bath tub!...I didn't even know we had solo cups.


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## mannyhead (Aug 7, 2013)

Every object in your house is a toy phone, including corn on the cob.


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## CoziLovr (Sep 22, 2011)

... Every paper product in your bathroom is shredded


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## happilymomma2 (Aug 14, 2013)

You find yourself CONSTANTLY having to come up for a reason for EVERYTHING to answer the never ending "why" interrogations. I bet I heard why? no less than a thousand times yesterday.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *happilymomma2*
> 
> You find yourself CONSTANTLY having to come up for a reason for EVERYTHING to answer the never ending "why" interrogations. I bet I heard why? no less than a thousand times yesterday.


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## MamadeRumi (Aug 5, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *alexa308*
> 
> ,,,your missing underwear are currently being worn as a hat
> 
> ...












This whole thread is great, but this one made me laugh out loud and cry at work. It's O.K. They already know I'm nuts. Afterall, I'm the mother of a toddler.


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## MamadeRumi (Aug 5, 2012)

You spend so much time getting your child dressed and out the door that you are in the car and on the way before you stop to think, "did I brush my teeth? I am wearing clothes, right?"

You used to measure success by the degrees you'd earned, the articles you'd published, the classes you'd taught. Now if you get your child to poop in the potty AND eat a vegetable in the same day, you feel you should alert the media.


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## skycheattraffic (Apr 16, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MamadeRumi*
> 
> You spend so much time getting your child dressed and out the door that you are in the car and on the way before you stop to think, "did I brush my teeth? I am wearing clothes, right?"
> 
> You used to measure success by the degrees you'd earned, the articles you'd published, the classes you'd taught. Now if you get your child to poop in the potty AND eat a vegetable in the same day, you feel you should alert the media.


Bwahahaha! This is me down to a tee!!


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## boater (Oct 19, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *alexa308*
> 
> ,,,your missing underwear are currently being worn as a hat
> 
> ...


Lol to the facial stickers! That's happened to me.


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## Liz Dutch (Sep 6, 2013)

Your son says to you at the park, "come here pidge" (a quote from Lady and the Tramp), but all the other Mamas hear "Come here Bit*h!" 

You find that you are never - EVER short a toy car, plane or book.

You're missing kitchen utensils - that have simply evaporated - possibly forever into the toy box.


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## mamapigeon (Dec 16, 2010)

You search everywhere for the parsley that went missing from the counter and finally find it shoved into an ovenmitt.


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## mrsmclean04 (Sep 11, 2013)

You send your cosmetic bag to the sitter while the Pull Ups, wipes and extra clothes are in your purse at work...


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## skycheattraffic (Apr 16, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mrsmclean04*
> 
> You send your cosmetic bag to the sitter while the Pull Ups, wipes and extra clothes are in your purse at work...


Oh god, I'm laughing so hard, picturing DCP'sface when the clean pants were needed. Lol


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## natalieemjones (Sep 11, 2013)

when your family members or friends are innocently walking through the living room and your daughter launches herself off the edge of the sofa at them like a mini missile!


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## sassyfirechick (Jan 21, 2012)

when your child goes streaking through the house or yard you don't even bat an eye - everyone streaks now and then, right? now to find that poop filled diaper that got thrown off in the process BEFORE the dog gets it.....


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## skycheattraffic (Apr 16, 2012)

When you wear a hello kitty band aid without batting an eye.

Lol sassyfirechick btw. Quite the visual!


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mrsmclean04*
> 
> You send your cosmetic bag to the sitter while the Pull Ups, wipes and extra clothes are in your purse at work...


ROFL. I haven't done this precisely, but I have in a more general sense - mixing up a bag that contained cloth diapers, a change of clothes, etc., for another bag and therefore leaving the diapers at home.







So easy to do!


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## tygab (Dec 26, 2009)

Your daughter tells you she pooped in her diaper, so you go to change it, only to discover the reported poop is actually a Duplo block....


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## my3beasties (Feb 10, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Magali*
> 
> Oh yes! I made a rule last night. When I sit down to eat, no one is allowed to ask me for anything, unless it's an emergency.


LOL! I need to do this...







Have you ever seen "A Christmas Story", with Ralphie & Randy, where the mom has to keep getting up to serve everyone more dinner, and the narrator says "My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years"? Yeah. That's how I feel sometimes. Thank goodness for DH - we take turns!

Here's my contribution:

...when you find yourself saying things like "your brother is NOT a tissue!" or "NO - don't kiss the doggy THERE!"

....when you give overly explicit instructions, even to grown adults: "Go to the bathroom, turn on the water, wash your hands with soap AND water, AND dry them."

....when you feel the need to tape those puppy training mats to the floor and walls around your toilets.

...when you give up and judge the cleanliness of your house by whether or not the amount of toys on the floor is at an acceptable level.

...when you start singing toddler songs with complete strangers who also have toddlers, and laughing about it.


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## MamadeRumi (Aug 5, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mrsmclean04*
> 
> You send your cosmetic bag to the sitter while the Pull Ups, wipes and extra clothes are in your purse at work...


 LOL, I haven't done that particular one, but on one horrible early day at daycare/work, I decided to just take my sleeping boy in his pajamas and change him in the car outside of preschool. Would have been a great plan, if I'd just remember his shoes. As it was I had to kiss my boy goodbye and rush off to give an exam while DS was saying, "mommy forgot woos. Mommy is cwazy"

I've also, on more than one occasion, reached into my coat pocket to pull out my keys, and instead found DS's toy keys, which make fun noises when you press buttons. Hmmmm. I wonder if I can open my office or drive my car with these?


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## MissAnthrope (Jan 31, 2011)

... when your child's glasses are lost, you check inside the plastic recycling truck and the egg chute of the stuffed chicken first.

... you are expert at piecing together what your child ate yesterday based on the empty containers under the table and the contents of today's diapers.

... you laugh at the idea of splat mats because you have offwhite carpet and protecting only a 30" circle of floor is just ludicrous.

... guests are confused by how to access your toilet around the step stool and seat insert.

... you observe the fall equinox by checking all your child's clothing for length, because getting them pants that actually reached their ankles during the summer seemed futile.

... you see one of your children dumping spoonfuls of dirt into another's hair, and decide not to fight that battle as long as they're both content.

... you have a list of foods that MUST be eaten OUTSIDE.

... you're not sure how to explain that generally, the person at the drive-thru window isn't expecting to hear "'Bye, love you too, 'bye!" as you pull away.

... you have a well-rehearsed 30-second lecture on consensual hugging.

... every afternoon sees you discussing the fact that very few toys have penises.

... you realize that, while your child says "NO!" when you ask them anything, including what they saw outside, when you ask "Do you know that I love you very much?" they say "Yeah."


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## oopsadaisys (May 27, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *my3beasties*
> 
> LOL! I need to do this...
> 
> ...


When the phone rings at work and you say, "The phone, the phone is ringing..." and your co-workers with kids respond, "The phone, we'll be right there.... There's an animal in trouble..... ( WonderPets song). Kiddos to all of you who just now sang the whole song in your head


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## Comtessa (Sep 16, 2008)

... people ask "How are you?" and you invariably give potty-training updates. Even to your co-workers.

... you envy people sitting at bus stops in the rain because they get to Just Sit Still for a few minutes.

... you ask your next-door neighbor, the community action volunteer, to come over and do some community graffiti removal... on your furniture.

... your smartphone speaks entirely in French since you let your child play with it in a last-ditch attempt to prevent major meltdown in a waiting room (and you can't figure out how to get the English back).

... you hunt everywhere for the cucumber you pulled out to make cucumber salad for dinner, and you finally discover your child under the dining room table polishing it off.

... you have to replace your library and credit cards three times in a year, only to find the old ones 1) hidden under the rug, 2) stashed in your winter boots, or 3) slid into the crack between two furniture pieces

... you think maybe you could beat the Olympic sprint record if someone just whispered in your ear at the starting line: "uh-oh Mama, hafta poop!"

... some well-meaning person suggests that people are calmer when they multi-task less, and you laugh in their face.

... you cringe at all the times (before having children) when you said, "MY children will never watch TV" because without TV you would have spent years without having 1) a meal on the table by dinnertime, 2) laundry hung on the clothesline without a child getting run over in the street, 3) sex with your spouse, or 4) a shower.

... you frequently decide that playing with not-toys is safer than the tantrum that will ensue when you take them away, so your house often looks like this:



... you have a whole new set of "we don't" household rules, including:


"We don't eat the sweep pile"
"We don't fingerpaint the cat"
"We don't drink the bathwater"
"We don't throw yogurt at the walls"

Or you've heard yourself say things like:


"Get off the baby; she's crawling, not playing horsie!"
"You can chew your food or you can nurse, but not at the same time!"

and my favorite:

... you have peanut butter all over your face, but you don't mind because it's from tiny sticky fingers grabbing your cheeks to plant messy kisses on them and say "Lubboo, Mama".


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## my3beasties (Feb 10, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *oopsadaisys*
> 
> When the phone rings at work and you say, "The phone, the phone is ringing..." and your co-workers with kids respond, "The phone, we'll be right there.... There's an animal in trouble..... ( WonderPets song). Kiddos to all of you who just now sang the whole song in your head


Oh yeah...thanks for getting that one in my head!







I was chatting with my chiropractor friend one day, and her receptionist and I ended up singing the one from Yo Gabba Gabba (a show I can't stand) - "It's fun to brush your teeth, it's fun to brush your teeth...and this is how we do it!" Then we all cracked up...'cuz we all have toddlers.


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## craftymcgluestick (Dec 31, 2009)

OMG,







*Comtessa* at everything. Everything. You said.









...you realize that you don't have a slow drain at all, it just generally functions better without two Hot Wheels jammed into it.


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## Asiago (Jul 1, 2009)

He nurses while playing the nearby toy piano with his toes....oh my life...wouldn't trade it for anything!


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## mariee (Mar 4, 2012)

You take off your clothes at the end of the day....... and food falls out.


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## skycheattraffic (Apr 16, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mariee*
> 
> You take off your clothes at the end of the day....... and food falls out.


Lol soo true.

You go to put your shoes on but must remove a rubber duck first.


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## MamadeRumi (Aug 5, 2012)

Your colleagues no longer even blink or comment when you show up at work with a coffee cup in one hand and a sippy cup in the other (to put in the fridge for the ride home with the toddler).


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## Jaxy (Oct 3, 2012)

Mine just turned a year so I'm new to this toddlerhood thing ahah!!

You know you're the parent of a toddler when...

- all your bottom shelves are empty.

- all the children's books you have are half-eaten... by the toddler.

- after an exhausting day you can't wait for him to go to bed, but when he's finally asleep you talk about him to your spouse, friends, family and on social networks. And/or you look at pictures of him.

- The notes you leave to your spouse look something like this : Hope you have a good day. He pooped twice. Poop pail needs to be emptied ASAP. Love you, xxxx


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