# Anyone decide NOT to have another baby after stillbirth?



## tatgurl (Mar 25, 2004)

My son was born still in june at 32 wks. I have two boys at home and we had only planned on having two. When we found out that we were pg. with #3, it was a very hard time for me. I really felt like I didn't want 3 kids and it was very hard for me to get use to the idea of having another baby. We found out that we were having another boy at our U/S and started getting use to the idea of having another boy in the house. I had just started to get excited about meeting my new little one a couple of weeks before we lost him.

now I just don't know what to do with myself. I was so ready for him and had my mind adjusted to the idea of having 3 kids. Now I only have two.

Have any of you decided to not have another child after having a sillbirth? I just can't get use to the idea of only having 2 kids again.
I constantly think about weather or not I will get pg again. I feel like if I could just make this decision (to have another child or not) I would feel a little better about things.


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## KnittingMama (Nov 30, 2005)

I didnt have a still born, but I did have a m/c and for me, it has really helped to bring Malachi into our family. What I mean is, even though your son isn't physically here, he is apart of your family, and you will always be the mother of 3 boys, one just won't be here with you and if you were to get pg again, you'd be the mother of 4 children. Maybe if you can think of it that way, it may help you make your decision.








My heart goes out to you.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Tatgirl, I know exactly how you feel. My dd was 10 & my ds was 7 when I found out I was pregnant with Alexa. I thouht I was done having children. She was such a shock & surprise & it really took me a long time to have her as my reality. Then reality changed & she was stillborn. Oh man, what a slap in the face.
When she first died, I wanted another so bad. Those empty arms ached something awful. I did get pregnant 6 months later, only to miscarry. Now I know it was way to soon. Here I am 14 months since my baby came & went & I am not sure about the future. I do not know what will happen. What I do know is that I have no control. I will surrender to what ever is meant to be. If I get pg again, so be it. If not, so be it.
No one can answer these questions but you & your partner. I just wanted you to know you are not alone & someone elses perspective.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

although we are actively trying to get pregnant again, the thought of not having another baby comes and goes. i don't have any living children, so it is a little different, but re-adjusting your life to welcome a new baby only to have that whole plan slip away with their death's, well, re-re-adjusting is really hard. as time passes, i can't help but to re-adjust and rearrange my life back to 'just us'. i am open to another baby (well, very open, and down on my knees praying, pleeding, hoping...) but there is a big part of me that will be alright with moving on from this journey of trying to get pregnant- our daughter is still the most blessed thing to have happen to our lives, and even though she has died, she is still our only child, and we were lucky to have had that short time with her. i know the vast majority of women feel the need to go for it and have another baby after a stillbirth or m/c, but it is totally alright to make a different decision. i wish i knew more women who have made that other choice, because i think it would help me with my perspective on getting pregnant after a loss like ours.

i am sorry to read about your loss.


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## Plady (Nov 20, 2001)

This question was nearly the biggest thing on my mind for the first couple of months after Wendy died. I was especially upset early on when dh said he couldn't even discuss the possibility of having another baby. He said he didn't think _he_ could handle another pregnancy! It was all I could think about although I honestly didn't know what I wanted. Now I know that I'd like to have another baby someday because I would like dd1 to have a sibling and because I am not ready to cross child-bearing off the lists of things I want to do for the rest of my life. However, it is not such an all-consuming concern for me now. And I know it is more important for me that both dh and I are ready and wanting a baby than it was at first. If he is truly never ready to ttc then maybe we'll look into adoption, or maybe dd1 will just be our only living child.
Just give yourself some time to grieve your baby and heal. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

This is something I really struggle with. We have four children (three bio, one adopted). When I became unexpectedly pregnant in January, it really threw us for a loop. We weren't planning any more bio children and we weren't happy about the preganacy to begin with. But as time went on, I became more and more excited about the thought of having another baby, and I was joyously expecting our newest little one. DH also came around and was excited about having another baby. But he was SURE he was done having children after #5 was born. Although I didn't want him to do it, he had a vasectomy. A few weeks later, we lost the baby at 20 weeks gestation.

Although we had thought we were done having children (at least biological children) before I became pregnant, now it just feels like someone is missing. We've talked about having the vasectomy reversed or perhaps adopting again. But none of that feels exactly 'right' at this point. I want the baby I lost.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

This is something I struggled with immensely after our daughter was stillborn 4 years ago, and honestly, even now it is a hard one for me.

Some background: I had severe, early onset preeclampsia in my first pg, resulting in an emergency 30 week c-section; ds1 is now 8. 4 years later, with better medical care, I went on to become pg again despite the high odds of recurrance. At 29 weeks I was diagnosed with pre e again, and we found that the baby had died. After delivery, we discovered that she had a cord injury; the pre-e was irrelevant in her death. However, having had it again raises my odds to an almost certainty in any future pg--about 50% chance by 30-32w, above 95% by 36w, and about 10% before viability. Having watched my son struggle as a preemie and then lose my daughter, I can't do that again. And yet, the draw to get pg again is still constantly there. It has decreased from those initial months, but it is always there. We have gone on to adopt a beautiful little boy who just turned 1, and that has helped (I'm too busy to focus on it as much! plus that need to mother a baby has been relieved).

Realistically, I will never intentionally experience another pg. I can finally say that without dissolving into a puddle. But I would do anything to get rid of that ache of an empty womb that I still feel if I am absolutely honest. For that reason, neither dh nor I have done anything permanent bc-wise. If a treatment/cure is developed, I want the option to experience another pg again if I choose to do so. Can I survive without another pg? Sure, and it is not as devestating a thought as it would have been even a year or 2 ago. But I realized that by making it my choice to not get pg, instead of having it forced upon me by circumstance, gave me a power that let me be at peace with my decision.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide. It has been my personal experience as well as observation of others' experiences that the first few months are the most intense as far as the overwhelming desire to have another baby. You may want to decide to wait to decide to see if that is your experience.


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