# My mom allowed the baby to be hurt. Now what?



## Spiralshell (Mar 16, 2009)

My mother let my 12mo fall down the deck stairs! He's totally fine - we got so lucky. But now it's total chaos in my family. I need some advice from impartial minds about how to handle this challenge. Please help!

Here's what happened - My mom watches the baby 2 or 3 days a week while I'm at work, trading off with DP's mom. She absolutely loves him, is very caring to him, but honestly she's neglectful at times. She'll fall asleep in her chair while he's toddling around our family room. Not a problem, since it's reasonably well baby-proofed, but sometimes she'll fall asleep with the dog door to the deck open and the gate to the next room open. She doesn't always hear him when he cries. Her health isn't great, and she's slow, sometimes has a hard time carrying him, and compared to DP's mom (who is younger, fitter, and generally more together) my mom is much less capable.

She had the baby out on the deck to play, and didn't close the gate at the top of the stairs. (It's left open so the dog can get down to the yard. We only close it when we're out there with the babe.) The baby wandered over, and fell down half the staircase. She was sitting in her chair smoking (that's a whole other issue) and wasn't right near him. Mind you, the kid is lightning fast. I can't stay right near him all the time either. But she didn't see him getting close to the stairs until he was already down them. VERY luckily, he had bumps and bruises only, and within minutes of falling was smiling and laughing, so I knew he was totally OK. (I was working from home so I was able to run right out.) All of the other possible outcomes flashed before my eyes, ambulance, hospital, or worse, and it was really scary. Truly, he could have been badly injured or killed. The bottom of the steps is hard concrete. Shudder!!!

Up until this happened, even though I know my mom isn't perfect, I have trusted her with the baby. Fundamentally I believed that he would be OK in her care. Now I know that this isn't the case, and she won't be watching him any more.

My DP is beyond furious. He's saying things like "She will NEVER EVER see him again. She is dead to me."

This is so upsetting to me.

My mom made a mistake. A terrible, totally preventable, mistake. It was not an accident. It should not have happened.

BUT&#8230;

She loves this baby. He loves her. They have grand times together. My mom is old, and slow because of health issues. The only joy I have seen in her in years is because of this child. Her love for him is true and deep. If he is kept from her, her heart will break. I have been on the phone with her many times over the day since this happened, and she has been sobbing. I love her, she's my mom, even if she made a mistake.

It's not fair to keep him from her, and it's not fair to keep her from him. He is a lucky boy to have all four of his grandparents living and nearby and in his daily life. The more love in his life the better. And he was not harmed. Yes, he could have been harmed, but he wasn't.

BUT&#8230;

DP says no way, never. He is toxic talking about her. He is treating this as if she took a bat and struck the baby, or threw him off the deck with her own hands. Mind you, they have never liked each other or gotten along. But now, it's horrible. He wished her dead.

Thanksgiving is coming, Christmas is coming, and I have to navigate this, and I'm just beside myself.

So what now? Do I let him cool off for a while? Do I sneak the baby out to see my mom on the sly? Do I put my foot down and tell him that part of our job as parents is to teach consequences, but also to teach forgiveness. My mom's consequence is that she can no longer be alone with him, but we should forgive her enough to allow her to see him. Right?

Thank you to anyone who read all this. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to navigate this world. Have any of you had a grandparent harm your child, how did you handle it?

Many thanks.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

"My mom made a mistake. A terrible, totally preventable, mistake. It was not an accident. It should not have happened."

So...this sentence is killing me. Accidents are mistakes that should not have happened. So, you define accident, and then say it wasn't an accident.

Did she momentarily flake and not remember to close the gate? Or was she thinking, "Hmm...I think I'll leave the gate open so the baby will fall down the stairs. That'll be great fun to watch!"

B/c, honestly, if she flaked and forgot, it was an accident.

If it was the latter, well, you've got other problems.

Honestly, if it were me, she wouldn't be babysitting (falling ASLEEP while the baby is roaming free???), but NOT b/c of the stairs. My ds has fallen down stairs before, and me and my dad (healthy, in great shape) were RIGHT there and we just couldn't catch him. My ds has fallen off other things too when I was RIGHT there and just couldn't catch him. Baby catching is hard work once they start walking.

ETA - really? she's dead to your DP??? WHAT?????????

Whats going to happen when he's with the baby and the baby falls down? It WILL happen, its just a matter of time. My ex used to be really unnervingly on top of our ds and wouldn't let him do anything, until he realized that ds was going to fall and get hurt, and get bumps and bruises, and 99% of the time he'll be ok. It took until he spent significant amounts of time alone with ds to understand that.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

I'd take a break for a bit. I don't think your mom should watch your kiddo anymore (and probably shouldn't have been watching him to begin with). I'd talk to dp about allow her to see your kid with one of you present. I'd give him some time to cool off th


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## cjam (Mar 28, 2010)

I agree that your mom should not be babysitting alone. But to not let her see the baby because of an accident is absolutely ridiculous. Your DP sounds irrational, controlling and unreasonable. It sounds to me like he's trying to cut you off from your family. No way would you should let him dictate that your mom shouldn't see the baby.


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## gbailey (Mar 10, 2009)

First, I am glad your little one is okay. I understand your DP is upset. What is the nature of the issues your mom and DP have? It seems like his anger in regards to never wanting your DC around your mom is larger than what occured. I do agree that your mom should not be allowed with your DC alone. It's obviously not safe given her medical issues. I won't even go there about smoking around a child. I do think never letting her see your DC is a bit drastic but I get the feeling there is more going on between your DP and your mom than you've said.

Why do your mom and DP not get along? Has he always been okay with your mom watching DC? Perhaps, he's reacting so harshly because he doesn't feel your reacting harshly enough?


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## pumpkin (Apr 8, 2003)

Your DP needs to calm down. Clearly this is neglect because it is part of a larger

Pattern. That means she no long babysits or is the supervising person at least for awhile (no runs to the bathroom while she watches the baby). That doesn't mean she can't be a loving part of his life. I wouldn't leave my DD with my dad, but I wouldn't hesitate to spend the afternoon together as a family.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I think you should put your foot down and tell him that this is your mother and your son's grandmother and you will not let him alienate you from loved ones. I'm sure it was upsetting to everyone for the fall to happen. Those things happen, even while under the watch of faster, younger, non-smoking mothers and fathers.

While I understand if he puts his foot down about unsupervised visitation, but he cannot justify cutting your mother out of your and your baby's lives. Unacceptable.

Also, I'm assuming that your son just started walking. I'm guessing your mother didn't realize that this could happen. I can't imagine cutting my mother out of my life for something like this. You felt that she was neglectful...now you know that she can't handle the child alone (at least at this age) so deal with that, but don't cut people out for honest mistakes. Soon you'll have nobody if you do that.

Is your boyfriend controlling in other ways? Was this just that unsettling to him or is this a pattern?


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## Katwoman (Apr 15, 2004)

First of all, does cooling down help your DH? I know mine can NOT speak normally when he's emotionally wound up. But once he cools down real communication can begin. Is that something that works for your DH? If he holds a grudge easily, I don't see how waiting "until he cools down" will help.

Having said that, I don't think sneaking is the best answer in a marriage. I would simply tell him the baby and I are going to see my Mom on x day. You are invited if you like, otherwise we'll see you when we get back.

Answer this, would you feel the same way he does about his mom, if she was the one that had let the baby fall? Would he feel the same way if it was his mom? It sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse and the terrible fear of the situation pushed him over the edge. (The fear, as you know, is AWFUL.)

Do you have regular plans for the holiday? Or do you fly by the seat of your pants? If you have regular plans, keep them. It's his choice to come or bow out.

And before someone chimes in to say this is his child too and his wishes should be respected as well. The OP has already said the baby won't be left alone with grandma - ever. So there has been actions/consequences to what grandma did. Saying she is dead to family is overly punative and isn't making the baby any safer. In fact, the baby will suffer from not seeing the person he used to see two or three times a week.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I'm glad your son is okay and I hope your DH calms down a bit.


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## montlake (Mar 13, 2008)

My vote is yes, put your foot down with DP. It WAS an accident. Both you and your DP are projecting a lot of malicious intent in your words. I know it is hard when a kid has an accident in someone else's care to process the feelings. But sometimes things happen and wishing someone dead about it is shameful. You realize that your mom is not capable of keeping up with him at the point and you have decided she can't watch him alone anymore. Done. To be punitive on top of that is wrong in my opinion. To end a relationship over it would be tragic.

My mother accidently stabbed my little one in the eye with a pencil. I handled it like I would any other accident. He's fine? Ok good, so from now on you need to pay more attention when you are helping him with his worksheets. And move on.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Um, yes, to all of this. It was a mistake--it was horrible, preventable, and terrifying, but a mistake. The whole "dead to me" thing is a bit over the top, but I'd imagine he's freaking out and scared and really really ticked off right now, which is understandable. I think eventually he'll chill out--especially when he finds out that toddlers are walking accident prone creatures who will fall and hit their head or do other things that result in injuries even when you think you've done everything you can to protect them.

And I'd find a new babysitter, ASAP. A young child should never ever be left with a caregiver who is not physically/mentally/emotionally able to care for that child. I wouldn't switch caregivers because he fell down the stairs...kids fall down the stairs...it happens to the best of us. But, you yourself admitted that she can't keep up with the baby--it will only get worse as the baby turns into a toddler. I certainly wouldn't allow your husband to keep her away from her grandchild though--I am sure she's feeling absolutely devistated.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> "My mom made a mistake. A terrible, totally preventable, mistake. It was not an accident. It should not have happened."
> 
> ...


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

There is no way I would cut Grandma out of my child's life over this.

Toddlers at this age fall. A lot. They fall off of couches and beds and changing tables, they fall on grass and on sidewalks, they fall off of playground equipment. Fortunately, they're generally pretty durable, and they generally survive it. It's reasonable to take precautions (like gating off the stairs), but it's not reasonable to be totally unforgiving. (If so, I, for example, would never be allowed near my children. Nor would DH. Or any of their grandparents. DS is a daredevil who has fallen off of *everything*. We bolted the bookshelves to the wall, gated the stairs and the kitchen, and we do our best to carry on.)

I agree that your mom shouldn't be babysitting. It sounds like it's getting to be too much for her. But I think your line about consequences and forgiveness is the right tack to take. It would be terrible if this incident meant that your child lost a loving grandmother in his life.


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## alicewyf (Apr 24, 2008)

I think everyone makes mistakes when watching kids. That your DH hasn't yet...trust me, it is just a matter of time. Your mom does not sound capable of watching him by herself. But your DH needs to chill out. One day it will be him who let the baby fall down the stairs (or something else) and he will be asking forgiveness. What are you going to do then, divorce him? Because by his standards, you should.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

It is SCARY to have a little one, especially as first time parents, and when accidents happen it really shakes you up! But that is reality&#8230; accidents happen, and they will happen again. So I would remind your DP that children get hurt; it just happens&#8230; and will likely happen in his care at some point as well! Ask him how he would like it if he ever "makes a mistake" with his child and you decide it is unforgivable and he dead to you


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## lyno (Sep 22, 2008)

It was an accident. I would forgive her and move on. If she is older and slow, she probably isn't a good fit to be your little one's care provider though. Just have her visit when you are there. I think your partner should get over it too. would he act this way if it was his mom or you who had made the mistake? But I definately think you should rethink your childcare.


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## ToadJode (Oct 26, 2010)

100% agreed with this.

I might agree not to let her babysit for him, but would NEVER keep her from seeing him at all.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *cjam*
> 
> I agree that your mom should not be babysitting alone. But to not let her see the baby because of an accident is absolutely ridiculous. Your DP sounds irrational, controlling and unreasonable. It sounds to me like he's trying to cut you off from your family. No way would you should let him dictate that your mom shouldn't see the baby.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

How does your dp react if your kid gets hurt in his care or yours?

Kids get hurt. They fall down, they get bruises. No, it doesn't sound like your mom is probably the best caretaker of him at this age, but I certainly don't think you should cut her out of his life. That's way overboard.

My mil has a harder time getting around, doesn't move as fast, etc as my mom does. So while I don't leave my kids in her care all day long, several times a week, she does get to see them and watch them. My kids just spend 4 days with my mom and my 4.5 year old came home with a giant bruise on his chin. He was climbing on the back of the couch, fell and hit his chin on her hardwood floor. Cutting her out of my kids' lives never even entered my mind.

I'm sure your mom feels awful, but your dp really really needs to chill.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I think it's something she won't let happen again. She feels awful. But, I can promise you that something will happen on your watch or daddy's watch. Kids get hurt. No matter who's watching. I think your DP is overreacting in such a way that the original issue is small by comparison.

I think your mom can handle being around your son and watching him if someone else is there too. Your mom deserves to be with your son just as she always has... she just needs a second pair of eyes. I don't know what you've been paying her to watch your son, but maybe she'd be willing to help out for free while you pay someone else to actually be in charge of keeping him safe. She's still going to be one of his favorite people in the whole world. But, she can't always be counted on to remember things like gates.

When you were being raised, parents didn't use gates very long. Instead parents taught the kids to go down the stairs before they could even walk. Your son is old enough to learn how to go down steps backwards. Now, if you don't have a fenced yard, that could be a whole other issue. But, if the yard is safe, teach him to use the stairs. Make the yard safe for him, then teach him.

Once I let a daycare baby stand near the back door to my deck. Only, I forgot I had opened the screen. She had no idea the screen was open, and leaned against it to look out, and fell out the door onto that sand papery non slip deck. Face first. It was awful, and she had scrapes on her face for a week. But, nobody flew into a rage and refused to let her come back to my house... and, I never, ever forgot to close the screen before letting a baby play near it after that.


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## Hey Mama! (Dec 27, 2003)

Your mom made a careless mistake. It's nothing to to freak out so bad about that you should never let her see the baby again. My own daughter fell down about 14 stairs onto a concrete pad when she was around 18 months old. I was right behind her, her older sisters were in front of her and she went tumbling down. I tried to grab her but she only had a diaper on and I wasn't fast enough to catch her. While it was horrifying to watch she came out of it ok. I believe your dh is very much over-reacting to this situation.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

a few things that all have already said.

all 3 of you have to have a chance to get over this shock. its been horrible for all of you, but i would imagine the worst one suffering is your mom. she will never be able to forgive herself for letting it happen.

you all need cooling down period.

the next thing is your opening paragraph is pretty eye opening for me. even knowing everything you still allowed your mom to babysit. she should have not been babysitting right from the beginning. in a sense i dont even feel its her fault. it is you guys not making sure you get a safe babysitter.

having said that i totally understand where you stand. its sooo hard to watch our parents grow old and to tell them - inform them that they are growing old. that they can no longer do this.

so i would say just talk to your mom. just you. without bringing your dh in. talk to her about all that you have observed - without even involving your son.

i am sure you might take a lot of weight off your mom's back.

there is this whole family dynamics.

your biggest problem is not safe babysitter for your son. you can find one. the biggie here is sitting with your mom and explaining why she cant babysit your son. which should have been done a long time ago and not now. but i can totally understand why not before. esp. your mom.

and the first time your dh drops the baby, or the baby has an accident while within arms reach of dh - just look at him. he will understand. right now he does not have the ability to understand.

he is responding to his genes. protecting his child.

and i totally agree with nextcommercial. your ds is old enough to learn a lot of safety measures - like climbing down beds, stairs, not going near the oven...


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## Spiralshell (Mar 16, 2009)

Thank you for the replies everyone. It makes me feel more sane to hear other people saying that DP is overreacting. He feels like I'm under-reacting and it's really hard to have perspective in the middle of all this.

I wanted to respond to what Super Single Mama said:

Quote:


> "My mom made a mistake. A terrible, totally preventable, mistake. It was not an accident. It should not have happened."
> 
> So...this sentence is killing me. Accidents are mistakes that should not have happened. So, you define accident, and then say it wasn't an accident.
> 
> ...


I guess I see it as "not a mistake" because we've talked before, many times, about what safety measures she needs to take when they're out on the deck. That she must check the gate, can't come inside and leave him out there alone, etc. It's happened a few times before that she has forgotten, and when I've reminded her, she waved it off. She wouldn't be worried or apologetic, more like "yeah, yeah, why are you hassling me, he's fine!" So I guess I see this more like someone putting the baby in the car and not putting on the harness in the baby seat, not just once like a total flake moment which can happen to anybody, but repeatedly... and then one day you get in an accident with the baby not strapped in. And very luckily everyone is OK... but it could have been terrible. She did not intentionally leave the gate open, but she didn't intentionally check to make sure it was closed either, and there's been a pattern there. So I guess that's why I don't see it as an accident... it was more like something that was going to happen eventually. And we had had just that exact conversation -- "Mama, please you have to be more careful because even though it doesn't seem like a big deal to you someday he could be really hurt. Forgetting to close the gate could really put him at risk and if you keep forgetting it's going to happen someday, so please make it a point to double check because you love him and it's important." And she would just blow it off. My mom is capable of remembering stuff like this, she's just careless, and more focused on other things and it's been a point of contention before now.

So now of course I see that I should have stopped her taking care of him before now. The only other options we have are to ask DP's mom to watch him every day, which will be a lot for her, or to put him in daycare, which I'd prefer not to do because it's not the loving environment of home, and it costs a crapload of money. (Me staying home isn't an option, I'm the main breadwinner, and DP isn't cut out to be a SAHD.) And I didn't want to separate her from the babe -- she loves him and it would break her heart.

So that's where we are now... Mama heartbroken, DP furious. They don't get along already -- she's critical of him, he takes criticism very poorly. And he's a grudge holder.... so this will never go away.

I'm really hoping to give it some days to cool down, then discuss again. I'm hoping to salvage Christmas, even if Thanksgiving is out of the picture just because it's so soon. (Our family gathers here at our house, and DP says he won't allow her here, so it's not like I can just take the baby over to her place.) I will figure something out. I love her, she's my mom, and I have to put my foot down and not let DP alienate her because of this. I don't want to look back on his childhood and see strife there, over something that in the grand scheme is a pretty small deal. The trick will be to get DP to see it that way, and find a way to get him to forgive her.

Thanks for everyone's advice, I really appreciate it!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I say this gently but the parts that I bolded show that this really was a joint mistake in a way - because just as she might have foreseen the tumble, you clearly foresaw it too and by continuing to have her care for him you do have some responsibility. And that is OK - because we all do make mistakes and 99.9% of the time the consequences are not dire. But I think you need to own that (and your DH, assuming he knew about it). And then you all need to forgive everyone...and not have her babysit again.

That your DH is a grudge holder is hard for me to address 'cause it's something I couldn't deal with. He will have to learn to be more compassionate with respect to parenting/caregiving mistakes because there will be more ahead for sure.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Spiralshell*
> 
> I guess I see it as "not a mistake" because we've talked before, many times, about what safety measures she needs to take when they're out on the deck. That she must check the gate, can't come inside and leave him out there alone, etc. It*'s happened a few times before that she has forgotten, and when I've reminded her, she waved it off.* She wouldn't be worried or apologetic, more like "yeah, yeah, why are you hassling me, he's fine!" So I guess I see this more like someone putting the baby in the car and not putting on the harness in the baby seat, not just once like a total flake moment which can happen to anybody, but repeatedly... and then one day you get in an accident with the baby not strapped in. And very luckily everyone is OK... but it could have been terrible. She did not intentionally leave the gate open, but she didn't intentionally check to make sure it was closed either, and t*here's been a pattern there.* So I guess that's why I don't see it as an accident... *it was more like something that was going to happen eventually*. And we had had just that exact conversation -- "Mama, please you have to be more careful because even though it doesn't seem like a big deal to you someday he could be really hurt. Forgetting to close the gate could really put him at risk and if you keep forgetting it's going to happen someday, so please make it a point to double check because you love him and it's important." And she would just blow it off. *My mom is capable of remembering stuff like this, she's just careless, and more focused on other things and it's been a point of contention before now.*
> 
> ...


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

He is overreacting and I would say to just give it time but it sounds like this is not something he will drop so I would put my foot down. She's a careless sitter and shouldn't be left alone with him but that doesn't mean she can't be a loving grandma. ...on another note, what is she doing making comments critical of your dh to him? That is really not her job and you need to put your foot down there too.


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

I think your DP is over-reacting in saying that she shouldn't ever see your dc again but I also see this as a situation that you should have prevented (not trying to be critical of you at all as a very similar thing happened with my father). You stated that your mother was not able to care for him sufficiently in the past. At that point, it was your responsibility to remove your child from your mother's care. It seems like it was only a matter of time before something really bad happened. It sounds like this should be a wake up call for you.

You still saying that you want your mother to watch your son sounds like a recipe for major disaster and I could see a partner being upset over that.

Again, I understand. My father is my only available babysitter during the day typically and he loves his grandkids. However, he has multiple health issues and suffers from mental health issues. There are times that I can't leave my kids with him alone and it breaks my heart (in addition to really complicating things). But it is my responsibility as a parent to make sure my children are in an optimal environment.

At this point, I can completely understand him requesting that she only see your dc while supervised. However, saying she is "dead to him" is very extreme.


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

Wow, I would be seriously annoyed at DP at this point! He's telling you he won't *allow" your mother in your own home??? Not acceptable, IMO.

Yes, your mum made a stupid mistake. My mum put my bouncer on a table and I fell off onto my head at 3 months old - totally preventable and stupid - should she have then been cut out of my life? People make mistakes, kids get injured. It's awful and it's often preventable, but make the changes you need to with your mum and move on.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Spiralshell*
> 
> Do I put my foot down and tell him that part of our job as parents is to teach consequences, but also to teach forgiveness. My mom's consequence is that she can no longer be alone with him, but we should forgive her enough to allow her to see him. Right?


Yes, pretty much this. It sounds like your husband thinks she was deliberately negligent, but this is a member of your family and I don't think can just cut her out of your son's life because she didn't do things the way you wanted. It's possible she just really didn't think the baby gate was necessary even though you did. Maybe she thought you were being overly cautious, but now she has had a learning experience, and your son probably has as well. It sounds like there are other things going on with your husband in his feelings for your mother. If he no longer wants to see her, that is one thing, but he can't dictate that you cut your child off. But I understand this is a difficult thing to navigate right now. Hopefully after a cooling off period, he will still disagree with you, but will not try and prevent contact.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

I've been there. Except, it was my in-laws. There's only a time or two where we actually said something like, 'they're done with our kids,' but it was over reasonably serious things(putting our kids in a dangerous situation because they knew if they were honest we wouldn't allow the kids to be there). But really, it all boiled down to not letting them be with the kids unsupervised. And that's where I think your mom should be.

Let your DH cool off a bit. My DH is a hothead, and when it comes to his kids being hurt, he flies through.the.roof. DS2 got hurt last week and needed stitches, and YES, DH was mad at me for not being able to prevent the accident from happening. Of course, it WAS an accident, and the only way it could have been prevented was to not let DS1 and DS2 play together. But DH even has gone so far as to say they shouldn't, because someone could get hurt. Yes, it's irrational, but in the moment sometimes those things actually seem to make sense.

As for the child care situation, I don't know what to tell you. Could you find a mom to watch your child in her home a couple of days a week? That would be a more "home-ey" environment than a traditional daycare. And maybe your MIL could still watch your child a few days a week.

And I absolutely would NOT sneak your child to see your mom. If your husband doesn't feel your child is safe around her, I wouldn't disrespect that. I would try and reason with him and find some kind of common ground. I can only imagine if I didn't trust someone around my child and my DH went behind my back and had them together anyway.....


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Let's seee....on my watch, my kids have:

- Fallen down the steps

- Fallen off the bed onto the hardwood floor

- One gashed his cheek open about an inch from his eye on a windwosill

- The other fell off a picnic table bench and got a concussion

I have not prevented myself from seeing them. :lol

Mistakes happen. Accidents happen. I agree she should not be a caretaker for your child anymore, but why on earth should she never see him againif you're there as primary supervisor? That's pretty dramatic for the situation. I'm glad your little one is OK, and hope that your DP isn't as hard on you or himself when your babe gets hurt on your own watch.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

I put my responses in red, imbedded into the quote.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Spiralshell*
> 
> Thank you for the replies everyone. It makes me feel more sane to hear other people saying that DP is overreacting. He feels like I'm under-reacting and it's really hard to have perspective in the middle of all this.
> 
> ...


Thanksgiving should NOT be out of the picture. Honestly, if someone I was with said that my mom couldn't come into the house, ALL holidays would be cancelled until they changed their mind. Seriously, I would be telling someone else to host, and taking my child there.

I would not sneak your ds to visit your mother, but I also wouldn't allow your DP to tell you no. Tell him, "I'm taking DS to visit my mom, we'll be back in a few hours. I'll make sure that he is safe while we visit. See you soon."


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## Spiralshell (Mar 16, 2009)

To clarify, my mom won't be babysitting any longer -- a few of the replies indicated that I was still trying to get him to agree to allow her to watch him. Definitely not. It's clear she can't watch him any longer.

We actually had many conversations in the past, me, DP, and my mom, about whether it was too much for her to watch the baby, if we should make other arrangements, etc. This was every kind of conversation, from general "Mama, how do you think it's going? Is this too much for you?", to suggestions, "Would it be easier for you if we got a mother's helper to help you lift the baby, so you could snuggle and she could deal with the lifting etc.", to argument "Mama, please, we've talked about this, you have to close the baby gate to the kitchen. If you can't do this, then we have to put the baby in daycare."

Most of the time, she does everything right. 95% of the time, seriously. It's the 5% that was a problem. And even though that 5% was worrisome, it's very hard to say to a loving grandma that she can't care for her grandson any more when there's been some times she left the gate open, but he'd never ever been hurt in any way.

I guess that's always the challenge -- what's the line that gets crossed that makes you say, "OK, that's it, no more", especially when even though the gate was left open, etc. the baby was never hurt. When I suggested in the past that we needed to find another option, she'd say she was sorry, that she'd do better, and that it was overreacting on my part to suggest that we needed to look for daycare. Maybe it wasn't overreacting. I don't know. Up to now when I suggested it even to DP he didn't think we needed to go that far yet.

For now, DP's mom has agreed to watch the baby more. I may still need to look for daycare. I wouldn't even know where to start looking for in-home care that I could trust. I don't know any other moms in this area who could advise me, and finding baby care on craigs list kind of weirds me out.

Sigh!


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Spiralshell*
> 
> Most of the time, she does everything right. 95% of the time, seriously. It's the 5% that was a problem. And even though that 5% was worrisome, it's very hard to say to a loving grandma that she can't care for her grandson any more when there's been some times she left the gate open, but he'd never ever been hurt in any way.


Umm....I'm not perfect WAY less than 95% of the time. I understand its a hard thing to say, but the bottom line is that you, and your DP are responsible for your ds's safety - that means saying the hard things to say, and making the hard decisions.


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## mum4vr (Jan 31, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Spiralshell*
> 
> Do I put my foot down and tell him that part of our job as parents is to teach consequences, but also to teach forgiveness. My mom's consequence is that she can no longer be alone with him, but we should forgive her enough to allow her to see him. Right?


 :yeah

this exactly-- you already know what is right... so buck up, take courage from the mamas here and do it :Hug

do not start hiding things from DP-- just speak the truth in love! :love


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

I think the fact that even your DH said it was too extreme to change the care situation denies him the right to say she's not welcome around anymore. That's ridiculous! He knew the level of care she was capable of and giving, and he said keep it up. He doesn't get to say she's dead to you all now. I know it can be hard to draw the line, but at least baby is okay and now you know, without a doubt-- you should all be able to move on. Be firm with your mom about not being the sole one supervising ever, be firm with DH about being forgiving and moving on, now that you all know she shouldn't care for him.

I'm glad your baby's okay!


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

She is smoking in front of you baby, that alone is nasty and horrible. I am 40 yrs old and have extensive scarring on my lungs from my parents smoking around me. I think it is child abuse to smoke around a child and should be treated as such by the state. There should be laws against it.

She falls asleep while caring for him. Plus, she smokes. Falling down the stairs is the least of the issues. What if he gets a hold of a cigarette while she is sleeping or she drops a lit cigarette?

Seriously, if my husband tried to get me to leave my child alone with someone under those circumstances, I would divorce him first. I know you love your mom and want to defend her, but your baby comes first.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Although, I will say, unless she did this on purpose, she should still be allowed to see him with you and/or your husband present to supervise. You do not need to tell her you are supervising, just do. That is what we do with my inlaws. We never leave our children alone with them and we make sure one of us always has our eyes on the younger children at all times when at her house.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I do think your husband is over-reacting. IMO, probably from anger and guilt. You and he knew the possible dangers of letting your mother babysit, and should have made changes long ago. The two of you, and your mother, are all independantly "culpable" for actions that led to your baby falling. Accidents do happen (my babies have all fallen, on my watch, crap happens), but in your OP you have a very large number of reasons listed why your mother was a risky proposition as a babysitter. That's not just 'accidents happen'. That is knowing an accident is very likely to happen and not doing something about it.

I would say your best bet right now to repair relationships is to own your part of the problem, and acknowledge to your husband that the anger and guilt is reasonable. His response to the anger is not, but if I were to guess, he's saying most of that because he's afraid that if he's less insistent on that, your baby will end up alone with your mother again. He needs to hear from you that that's not going to happen, even if you still do holidays with them, etc. He may still hold a grudge, but with time to cool off and the confidence that you are 100% agreed on the subject of your mother babysitting alone (never again), he will probably be able to pull back from his extreme stance.

I think it's possible that we sometimes discount a daddy's reaction to his baby getting hurt. Especially if we're often the ones that see and take care of all the normal little tumbles and bumps. The one time my dh saw one of our toddlers fall (down the stairs, and yes there was a gate, and he was right next to me--freak accident), his reaction frightened me. He is a big man, a veteran of a civil war in his country, a complete stoic...and he just curled up on the floor and bawled. Then he got very, very angry at the gate which had failed to do what it was supposed to do, or rather, he was angry at himself and at me for failing to keep the baby from falling, but directed all that at the gate rather than spew it on me. That level of emotion coming from him was just stunning and kind of difficult to cope with, actually.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

Maybe you could find a parttime preschool program with your DP's mom watching him the rest of the time. Or hire someone to come in 2-3 times a week with DP's mom watching him the rest of the time.

Can you cut back on hours or change schedules around? When our first was born, DH and I set up our schedules to cover the sitting with a sitter coming in just a few hours a week. Then when we moved and I was pregnant with our second, I ended up having to work because we could not pay for childcare on my salary. The additional money that I would bring in by working was not enough to cover the cost of working (i.e. childcare, clothes, etc)


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I do need to add, do you know what is worse than the baby falling down the stairs? The baby getting down the stairs safely and then off missing.

If she were the parent and this happened, CPS would potentially take the child away if they thought it would repeat. You said she falls asleep sometimes. She has a hard time lifting him, she smokes...all these things make for a very unsafe situation.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Spiralshell*
> , When I suggested in the past that we needed to find another option, she'd say she was sorry, that she'd do better, and that it was overreacting on my part to suggest that we needed to look for daycare. Maybe it wasn't overreacting. I don't know. .


It depends on how you suggested it. If it had that "passive aggressive threat" tone to it, then yes, I can see how she'd think it was an overreaction. But, if you were saying it very sincerely, as if you were totally ok with finding daycare, and if she was overwhelmed, you would be ready and willing to look for help. Then, it wasn't an overreaction. She may have felt like you were holding it over her head.

I personally think she's doing a very good job, except for those few incidents. LOL. She's a wonderful loving grandmother and you are all so fortunate that your son has not one, but TWO grandmothers who love him. She's the best grandma in the world! But, she's not all that great at long days being in charge of an active toddler.

If you are looking for a good in home daycare, look for some websites. Look at the pictures, and get a feel for what you want before you start calling them. Most are absolutely awesome! We don't just sit around watching talk shows while the kids stick toys in their mouth. We have curriculum, and training, and love what we do. We get excited about school supplies and post photos of our daycare kid's artwork on our facebook. Our daycare kids grow up together. They invite each other over for playdates, they enroll in the same gymnastics class just because they want to be together. They are best friends.

Just look around, get some ideas, then make a decision. Your decision might be to have your mother in law watch him full time, but you might find a place you love.

Here's some random photos of daycare homes. I just googled family childcare images, and got this page. http://www.google.com/images?q=family+childcare&hl=en&rlz=1C1GGGE_enUS387US387&prmd=ivmn&source=lnms&tbs=isch:1&ei=khHeTJXUL4OisAOd6vS6Cg&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&ved=0CBkQ_AU&biw=1280&bih=653


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:


> reminded her, she waved it off. She wouldn't be worried or apologetic, more like "yeah, yeah, why are you hassling me, he's fine!" So I guess I see this more like someone putting the baby in the car and not putting on the harness in the baby seat, not just once like a total flake moment which can happen to anybody, but repeatedly... and then one day you get in an accident with the baby not strapped in


In that case, I can see your dp's issue. It sounds like she's being neglectful. You told her to keep the door shut, she couldn't or wouldn't remember and the baby got hurt because of it.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I agree that she shouldn't babysit. However, if my "partner" tried to tell me that my own mother couldn't come into our house, all hell would break loose. Is this kind of control-freakism normal for him? I'm kind of creeped out by people who hold grudges in the first place, to be honest, but this is over the top. There's a huge difference between "she's obviously not on the ball enough to supervise ds" and "she'll never be allowed to see him again". Why does your partner want his child to lose out on a relationship with a loving grandparent, just because said grandparent isn't perfect? I'll be honest - if it were me, I'd go to my mom's for Thanksgiving and my partner could join me if he wanted to. "Dead to me"? Seriously? That's a major over-reaction.

And, I'll add to the chorus...ds1 fell off our bed when he was just a few months old, and fractured (hairline) his arm jumping off the couch when he was three. DS2 has a very thin scar down one cheek, and I was the one watching him, and I have no idea what he cut himself on (he was about two). All my kids have fallen off chairs, stairs, etc. They've all (except dd2, but give her time) fallen off playground equipment. It happens...on anybody's watch.


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

so, in this situation obviously it sounds like your mom can't be babysitting anymore, and you've already decided that she won't be. that doesn't mean she can't be a loving grandma with supervision though.

we have self-closing gates, and I've gone upstairs to the bathroom and come out to find DD had come through the gate at the bottom of the stairs multiple times. I've forgotten to close the gate that leads to the basement multiple times. and DD has fallen down the stairs when I was right there several times. she's also tumbled off the bed and off the couch. when my MIL was visiting they were sitting on the balcony chairs and DD fell off and scrapped her head really bad. two weeks ago she fell backwards off my lap and hit her head on the coffee table. no one was being neglectful, she was never seriously hurt, accidents happen. saying that because your mom was in charge when your son got hurt she can no longer see him is just outrageous, and I would tell your DP that kids get hurt, it wasn't malicious, and you see no reason your mom shouldn't be able to see your son as long as someone else is present and responsible for safety. it also sounds like there's bad-blood between the two of them, and that needs to be sorted out. whether they like it or not they are family now, and they need to learn to deal with each-other in a civil manner (I'm not saying they need to be best friends, but they need to get to the point where they can be in the same room and act civil towards each-other).


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

I'll add to the general consensus that your DP is waaaay over-reacting. Eventually, your child will get hurt or have a near miss on his watch. When it happens, will your DP leave home and agree never to contact your child again? It's an intolerable standard. I'd talk to him, acknowledging how upsetting the incident was and how his anger is understandable, but try to persuade him to be reasonable. If he won't forgive your mother, then I would take a firm stance about her continued presence in your child's life. Not as a babysitter, but as a loving grandmother. If it's going to cause too much grief, then I'd concede that for now your mother won't visit your home, especially if your DP is present, but I'd make it clear that you will be visiting her.

On your ongoing care issues, since your DP isn't able to take on more responsibility and you have concerns about institutional daycares and home daycares, I'd look for someone to come to your home. You can advertise yourself, use an agency, and use word-of-mouth by asking other families to find someone. Check out references thoroughly and get a police check, if that's possible in your area. Once you hire someone, for the first little while, you can ask your MIL to check in periodically to make sure things are going smoothly. It may take some effort to find the right person, but it's worth it.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

I haven't read all the replies, but as I read this I thought, "We're all going to get old some day."

She forgot to close the gate, it's something we could all do, but perhaps it was because she's a little forgetful or tired. To me this is a sign that your mother is too old to be caring for a child, which it sounds like you see, too. A very sad developmental milestone on her part, and best handled with compassion. Sometimes it takes an accident or close call for families to realize that grandma or grandpa can no longer look after the kids, drive the car, use the stove, live alone, etc... Fortunately your family sees this about your mother without anyone having been injured. I have been through things like this with many elderly family members and often the younger members of the family need to step in because the older members often don't know what they're missing, what they're not seeing due to diminished eyesight, or not hearing, or how slow their reaction time is. From their perspective they see something and react immediately, from everyone else's perspective, something happens and too, too many moments later the person responds.

I'm wondering if there are other issues going on for your partner because not letting her see the baby at all just seems cruel. Maybe he needs to be reminded that he'll be too old to do some cherished activities one day, too. When this happens, and it will unless he dies very young, how does he want his family to treat him?


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

No one should ever be napping while they are responsble for a child. I would never allow my child to stay with my own mother if she were neglectful.Making excuses to avoid hurt feelings? Sorry no,not when it could result in my child dying.

Consider finding a mom who provides homecare.Ofcourse you will always run the risk of poor care when you put your child in the care of anyone other than you.Do what you can to provide a safe environment. Perhaps you or dh could earn more to cover increased childcare.It will only be for a few years.Even though your dp is not a sahd type if he is that upset about your mom(and his mom can not care for the child FT) then he should want to care for the child himself or work more to pay for childcare.

I would get together with mom so she can visit with the child,but you are there to make sure all is safe.You mom does not sound like a bad person,but her laxness could result in harm to your child.As a parent the child must come first.


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## Dingletwitz (Nov 4, 2009)

I agree that there is a problem with falling asleep during childcare--it's one thing to purposely take a child into a room that is safe because you've hit a wall and need a rest, but it's entirely different when the falling asleep happens randomly. It makes me wonder if you are actually present somewhere her inner bell that keeps alertness going isn't on. Her responses to your requests about gate safety, and the subsequent accident added to the sleeping are cause for alarm.

That said, I have been fortunate that most of my child's injuries (scraped chin, broken arm, scraped knees) have not happened while under my supervision. DD's scrapes and falls on stairs have not been for lack of supervision, however; they've occurred when being overly-supervised in a hovering fashion. So on one hand I absolutely trust the judgement of her gp's, and their horror over injuries sustained in their care is immense; but on the other hand I realize there are some necessary childhood gravity lessons and I'm lucky I didn't have to be present or responsible in any way for the really ouchie ones yet!! Most kids will wobble down some stairs at some point and get the gravity lesson. Yours didn't get hurt and got the lesson and you didn't have to feel responsible. At least you have that. One down, many more to go for those types, right?

My feeling is if she's there while you are working at home, it might be worth continuing as usual with a little support from yourself, if possible. Once everyone cools off and forgives there will only be growth. I can't imagine your mom is type to say "oh, you fell off the porch. Lemme just finish my cigarette and I'll come and check you out". I get the impression that when push comes to shove, she puts the kid first, no?


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

He does NOT get the only say in who sees that child.

First of all, you are this child's parent too. Your DP is using his animosity toward your mom and their seemingly ongoing issues to use against her. Would I be upset if my child fell down the stairs? You bet I would. But, I would NOT act as childish as your DP is acting. He won't be a SAHD, and he agreed to allow your mom to babysit, so to me, he is as responsible for the accident as she is. And he needs to shut up with the "dead to me" crap.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> 
> I do need to add, do you know what is worse than the baby falling down the stairs? The baby getting down the stairs safely and then off missing.
> 
> If she were the parent and this happened, CPS would potentially take the child away if they thought it would repeat. You said she falls asleep sometimes. She has a hard time lifting him, she smokes...all these things make for a very unsafe situation.


I have to say, I disagree with this. If CPS were to investigate every family who smoked, and had a kid fall down the stairs, NO ONE would be allowed to have kids anymore! Smoking (while dangerous and unhealthy) is legal. Until its illegal, people can do it, and they can do it around children, and its not going to be a CPS issue. It is however a parenting issue, and parents need to determine their own comfort level surrounding smoking.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

I completely agree, but this is why I think much baby-proofing can be harmful. Both of my kids could go down stairs well before age 1. DD still had to go backward, but DS could go down right (if sloooowly) holding the rail. I have a friend whose child at 2 cannot go down the stairs because she's never been allowed. That's far more dangerous to me!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *nextcommercial*
> 
> When you were being raised, parents didn't use gates very long. Instead parents taught the kids to go down the stairs before they could even walk. Your son is old enough to learn how to go down steps backwards. Now, if you don't have a fenced yard, that could be a whole other issue. But, if the yard is safe, teach him to use the stairs. Make the yard safe for him, then teach him.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*
> 
> He does NOT get the only say in who sees that child.
> 
> First of all, you are this child's parent too. Your DP is using his animosity toward your mom and their seemingly ongoing issues to use against her. Would I be upset if my child fell down the stairs? You bet I would. But, I would NOT act as childish as your DP is acting. He won't be a SAHD, and he agreed to allow your mom to babysit, so to me, he is as responsible for the accident as she is. And he needs to shut up with the "dead to me" crap.


I got the distinct impression that this whole thing just happened. When my baby gets hurt, you had better believe I react harshly. It's my BABY. And someone did something that caused/allowed my BABY to be hurt. Tempers flare. People lash out. Often we all react in ways that we'll think better of in a day or two, or maybe a little longer. I don't think that's so ridiculously abnormal. Over-reaction? Definitely. But not totally crazy.

And actually, yes. If I felt someone was a danger to my child, even if my DH didn't agree, I would put my foot down and say NO, this person is NOT going to be around my child. How often does that come up here on this site? I have absolutely seen people say yes, you should insist that such and such person not be around your child because blah blah whatever the reason is. It's her child, but its his child, too. If he really feels that this person is a danger to the child, it seems absolutely reasonable to me for him not to want her around the baby. That's not to say I wouldn't discuss it or bring it up, but I would at least give him a little bit of time to cool off.


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## Stephenie (Oct 11, 2007)

This is a HUGE overreaction. Children fall sometimes. It's scary, but it happens. It's happened to both of my kids with me right there, a step or two behind them. Yes, the gate should have been up, but she made a simple mistake, your child is fine and she is obviously sorry. The bigger issue I see with her watching him is the falling asleep. But there is no reason you have given here for her to not be allowed around him at all! If your DH has other issues with her those need to be sorted out separately.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

OK, for starters, your DP is acting like a royal UAV. You already know that. And honestly, I do not believe you should a host a Thanksgiving meal without inviting your mother. Tell him that you're inviting the WHOLE family, or NO family, and let him choose from those two options.

Holiday drama aside - there may be a lot of guilt here that's underlying the extreme position your DP is taking. He can't support you as a SAHM, and he's unable/unwilling to be a SAHD. Therefore, you reach out to the extended family to make up for what he can't/won't give you in terms of help. And something bad happened because of that. You might need to lay that issue out on the table and deal with it. If you're happy with his contribution to the family, then tell him so. If he's not pulling his weight, then tell him THAT.

If I were you, regardless of how this particular fight shakes out, I'd find a nice home-based daycare for your DS and remove the entire relative-caregiving issue from the equation. And I'd take my DS to see my mom whenever, just like I'd have no issue with my DP taking our son to see his mom. You need to stomp on that craziness NOW, so your DS will have no memory of it. Seriously. Pick up your child and walk out the door, and if you are living with the kind of man who will physically try to stop you, then you have way bigger issues than the stuff in this thread.

Best of luck!


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pumpkin*
> 
> Your DP needs to calm down. *Clearly this is neglect because it is part of a larger
> 
> Pattern*. That means she no long babysits or is the supervising person at least for awhile (no runs to the bathroom while she watches the baby). That doesn't mean she can't be a loving part of his life. I wouldn't leave my DD with my dad, but I wouldn't hesitate to spend the afternoon together as a family.


I cannot see this as neglect. The grandma was not purposely trying to hurt her grandson, it was an accident.


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## aslyn (Dec 12, 2007)

I didn't read all the replies, but I will say this..My now 4 yr old fell down out stairs at 2 while my husband (his father) was watching him. 10 min later he was up and playing with a couple bruises to show off. At 3 he was jumping on the bed and fell off and broke his arm, I was the one home with the kids. I was horrified. But it HAPPENS to all kids at some point in their lives. It's part of growing up


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Quote:


> I cannot see this as neglect. The grandma was not purposely trying to hurt her grandson, it was an accident.


 Neglect is not purposely trying to hurt someone. Neglect is failing to do those things which need to be done for the care and safety of someone. We all have moments of neglect where we forget, or have a judgement lapse, or something else, but no matter what the intent, if there is a pattern of ongoing neglect, that is more than just an accident, and that person is not a safe caregiver.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Really? She's not ABUSIVE, the baby FELL. It's completely reasonable for her not to be the babysitter. The OP has stated many times that her mom is a very loving grandma - so thats what she SHOULD be! Not the babysitter, just grandma who baby sees and gets spoiled and loved on by.

If grandma was ABUSIVE, either physically or emotionally (and no, forgetting to close the gate is NOT abuse, its a momentary lack in judgement, which grandma seems to have often - so she doesn't get to babysit) then I would say OP's DP was being reasonable in cutting her out. NOT b/c the baby fell. Seriously, how many times have YOUR children fallen when YOU were watching them? Did you cut yourself out of their life b/c they fell? I'm sure you didn't.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

I think she does sound at least somewhat neglectful. If it was purposeful it would be abuse and I definitely don't think that's the case but it does sound like this is the case of a neglectful care provider. People can be great grandparents and lousy care providers.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

I do believe I said it sounded like he's being reactive. So for THIS situation at THIS point, I don't see the need to have them together. I would respect my DH's insistence that they not be together. But like I said, I would continue to address it.

I also never SAID she was abusive, so I don't understand why you feel the constant point to insist to me that she's not. I agree. It does not sound like she is.

My kids have never fallen down stairs. And honestly, my small children never got hurt when they were small. The only "real" injuries happened when they were older and more independent and playing on their own much. For as long as they were young enough to demand my full attention, they got it.

Actually, I take that back. DS1 fell and needed stitches when he was about a year old. Guess what? It wasn't with me, it was with my FIL. And he was not allowed to see our son for a while because my DH was angry with him for not having been more careful.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> Really? She's not ABUSIVE, the baby FELL. It's completely reasonable for her not to be the babysitter. The OP has stated many times that her mom is a very loving grandma - so thats what she SHOULD be! Not the babysitter, just grandma who baby sees and gets spoiled and loved on by.
> 
> If grandma was ABUSIVE, either physically or emotionally (and no, forgetting to close the gate is NOT abuse, its a momentary lack in judgement, which grandma seems to have often - so she doesn't get to babysit) then I would say OP's DP was being reasonable in cutting her out. NOT b/c the baby fell. Seriously, how many times have YOUR children fallen when YOU were watching them? Did you cut yourself out of their life b/c they fell? I'm sure you didn't.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Quote:


> If grandma was ABUSIVE, either physically or emotionally (and no, forgetting to close the gate is NOT abuse, its a momentary lack in judgement, which grandma seems to have often - so she doesn't get to babysit) then I would say OP's DP was being reasonable in cutting her out. NOT b/c the baby fell. Seriously, how many times have YOUR children fallen when YOU were watching them? Did you cut yourself out of their life b/c they fell? I'm sure you didn't.


 The word used was neglect, not abuse. Grandma was not intentionally abusive. But the OP listed what amounts to a pattern of poor judgement, not a momentary incident.

And thus far, I'm pretty sure everyone has said that cutting her out of the baby's life is overreacting.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I agree with all the eminently reasonable people, including the OP, that:

1. Grandma should not have been watching baby because she is falling asleep on her watch. It's not as though she's doing this 10 hrs a day, five days a week (still wouldn't be okay, but would be understandable). All the other stuff, I can see as cultural, etc. But not falling asleep.

2. DP is way, way, WAY over-reacting. Do not wish my mom dead. That freaking hurts. That is a problem.

My advice: Can he speak to a pastor, a religious leader, someone with a lot of life experience about this? Shit happens. Yes, this MIGHT have been prevented, but it's only a matter of time before the child can climb over gates. He needs to get some perspective. Accidents do happen and leaving a baby gate open with porch steps is an accident. If that's neglect, lock me up and call me worst mother of the year, because once I *did* forget to harness my baby in the carseat. One of those baby-was-unharnessed-sleeping-in-the-bucket-at-a-friend's-house and we just clicked her in things. I have seen many a mama on here say that happened to her. Could it be a tragedy? Yes. Does that kind of thing happen to everyone? Even if we don't know it. There are so many near-misses in life and we probably don't notice a tenth of them.

Your DP is so unbelievably lucky his son has a grandma in his life on a regular basis. He needs to talk to someone, an older man who is not your relative, that can knock some sense into him. I hope you can find someone like that!

Quote:


> My kids have never fallen down stairs.


Lucky you. I know plenty of kids in loving homes that have fallen--of chairs, off stairs, off the big toy at the park. Their parents are not in the least neglectful, though they do allow their toddlers out of arms reach. I personally think a little freedom to roam and run and explore is good for kids... that's how they learn about gravity. LOL.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EdnaMarie*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


Where did I say they were within arm's reach? That's a bit of a stretch. I allowed them distance and independence within safe environments, not unsafe ones. I'm not saying it's unreasonable to have a mistake, but I am saying that on my watch, there weren't any.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Spiralshell* My mom made a mistake. A terrible, totally preventable, mistake. It was not an accident. It should not have happened.


Yes, and you and your DP should have prevented it by realizing that while an older person who is in ill-health might be OK watching an infant, once that child reaches a toddler, they need more supervision than she could provide. You've learned that lesson. I wonder if DP is feeling just a titch guilty because he thought "gosh, she's really not up to this" but didn't say anything? She didn't harm your child, she allowed your child to be harmed, and there is a difference. Your DP needs to see that.

Quote:


> Have any of you had a grandparent harm your child, how did you handle it? <snip>
> 
> DP says no way, never. He is toxic talking about her. He is treating this as if she took a bat and struck the baby, or threw him off the deck with her own hands. Mind you, they have never liked each other or gotten along. But now, it's horrible. He wished her dead.


This worries me greatly. This is not healthy behavior or a healthy reaction. What would your dp do if you said "My mother is an important part of my life. I'm inviting her to Thanksgiving." Why does he get to dictate who comes or doesn't come? If he holds grudges, 'wants her dead' and won't allow her to see her grandson even supervised, you've got bigger problems than daycare. In my eyes, it's borderline abusive. Is this a safe situation for you to be in?

Let me get this straight: Your son was going to your mom's because your DP wasn't able to be a SAHD? Is he working? I'm going to suggest daycare and/or your dp learning to be a SAHD a few days a week. I'm not entirely sure why leaving your son with an older person in ill-health who smokes is somehow better than daycare a few days a week. Toddlers take a huge amount of energy and attention, as you well know. Personally, I prefer daycare because the workers get a break, there's more than one person, and it's their profession. Are your parents trained in infant CPR? Do they understand appropriate child development? His mom, who is younger and more fit, might be able to do it a few days a week, but not 5. That's too much to ask. Yes, daycare costs a lot of money. I'd also remind you that you get what you pay for.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


You mean, haven't been, yet. I find it really hard to believe that you've never made a mistake as a parent, and that you're children have never gotten hurt on your watch - thats what kids do! They climb, fall, climb, fall - well, at least mine does! And I, for one, am not going to get rid of my dining room table, chairs, bookshelf, and bed until he stops! Maybe you have kids who don't do any of those things, in which case, I'm a little jealous.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I think a lot of this actually has to do with the kid's temperament, too...whether they are risk takers/naturally compliant or not. My daughter has injured herself more than my son because she is more of a risk taker, and doesn't listen as well when I give warnings. And, well, is less steady on her feet.


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *The4OfUs*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


yeah, that. DD is a climber and a jumper. she managed to climb over her dad, who is not small, in the middle of the night and dive head-first onto the floor when she was 9 months. I was right there, her dad was right there, neither of us though our cosleeping arrangement was unsafe, because dad was always between her and the edge. DD knows how to go down stairs and has tumbled down them several times because she got excited and started going to fast. this is with an adult with her, but not holding onto her. she's also a kid who will run off in public places if I put her down for a second. that's just what her temperament is.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)




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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Was that in quotes?

Sorry. I just meant, if the kid's not in arm's reach, accidents can happen. No, really. If there's a door, a finger can be slammed in it. If there's an oven, a child can open that door. If there's a baby gate, a 9-month-old can climb over it. At least... some can.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness*
> 
> Where did I say they were within arm's reach? That's a bit of a stretch. I allowed them distance and independence within safe environments, not unsafe ones. I'm not saying it's unreasonable to have a mistake, but I am saying that on my watch, there weren't any.


alle


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lyno*
> 
> It was an accident. I would forgive her and move on. If she is older and slow, she probably isn't a good fit to be your little one's care provider though. Just have her visit when you are there. I think your partner should get over it too. would he act this way if it was his mom or you who had made the mistake? But I definately think you should rethink your childcare.


This is exactly what I was thinking. It is very generous of her to babysit but I feel you should have been a bit more selective. Sometimes the easiest fit for a babysitter isn't really a great choice. Of course I'm not trying to pick on you, op. I just see many very elderly people trying to babysit little kids at the grocery store and in some cases, if that child decided to bolt, no one could stop him. We ALL make mistakes and I understand people get squeezed for childcare but it is time to find someone else.

Your partner's reaction is immature and short-sighted.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> 
> She is smoking in front of you baby, that alone is nasty and horrible. I am 40 yrs old and have extensive scarring on my lungs from my parents smoking around me. I think it is child abuse to smoke around a child and should be treated as such by the state. There should be laws against it.
> 
> ...


 First off, the OP is not leaving the baby with the mother alone anymore.

Secondly, accusing smoking parents of child abuse is totally over the top. I do not advocate for smoking around children, but seriously. And CPS taking away children for falling down stairs? Uh, no.


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## liberal_chick (May 22, 2005)

My 20 month old knows how to navigate stairs and got tripped up on his shoe one day last week and fell down them (concrete steps, and he couldn't catch himself well b/c he was holding a sippy cup in one hand, he ended up landing face first on the ground with his head on an empty propane tank we have out to go exchange). I was two steps in front of him and couldn't turn fast enough to catch him. He was fine.

When my 5 year old was 3, he climbed the kitchen counter while I was nursing ds2 and fell off, resulting in a trip to the ER for a dislocated elbow. Once they got it back in, he was fine.

We all have our moments and I am far from a perfect parent.

I think your DH is way overreacting.


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## newmommy7-08 (Feb 2, 2008)

My son fell down steps onto hardwood floor about 10 months ago. He started up them while I was washing dishes at the IL's, I realized he wasn't right there and thought he'd gone into the laundry room so I called his name, he must have turned to come back down and I turned in time to see my baby flying through the air out of the staircase. We never gate the bottom of the steps at the IL's even though there is a gate there unless we are doing something that means we can't be aware of what he's doing. (IE cutting tons of vegetables in the dining room) I knew this was a risk, but since it's not a risk we deal with on a daily basis it wasn't something that 'clicked' even though we're at IL's 4-5 times a week. Even though I felt utterly sick over it happening it was an accident, a totally preventable accident and no one would even THINK about restricting my access to my child.

That said, yes, OP your DH is overreacting and needs to calm down. No, your mother shouldn't be allowed to watch your child unsupervised which you already know... but no way should she be prevented from seeing your child ever. If he didn't think your mother was capable he should have spoken up well before now, instead of using this as an excuse to kick her out of your life which is what this sounds like to me.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> You mean, haven't been, yet. I find it really hard to believe that you've never made a mistake as a parent, and that you're children have never gotten hurt on your watch - thats what kids do! They climb, fall, climb, fall - well, at least mine does! And I, for one, am not going to get rid of my dining room table, chairs, bookshelf, and bed until he stops! Maybe you have kids who don't do any of those things, in which case, I'm a little jealous.


My kids are older now, 8 and 4. Yes, they've been hurt NOW because they're more autonomous. A toddler is not.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


> A toddler is not.


Bwahaha. My toddler can climb on to the top of the medicine cabinet and touch the ceiling in the time it takes me to fish my mobile out of my purse (not a big purse, but cluttered, okay, disgusting). In the time it used to take me to form a couple of loaves of bread, my first was able to push a chair over to a window and climb on the windowsill.

Either you don't bake / cook much, you didn't have a climber/runner (the type that looks for a street to run into the moment you set them down to lock the car doors), or you have a babyproofing system that would send most babies into a state of abject depression. Or YOU WERE LUCKY. Probably lucky. But then, I considered myself eminently lucky to have a doctor that said to me, "Now this is a healthy baby. I can see she gets outside by her legs." Her legs were covered in bumps and bruises, and no, she doesn't bruise easily, she just falls a lot from running in different environments and plays with older toddlers.


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## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smithie*
> 
> OK, for starters, your DP is acting like a royal UAV. You already know that. And honestly, I do not believe you should a host a Thanksgiving meal without inviting your mother. Tell him that you're inviting the WHOLE family, or NO family, and let him choose from those two options.
> 
> ...


This. Perhaps I need clarification about why DP is "not cut out for being a SAHD" is he working too? unable (disabled?) or just unwilling to take it on (a lot of work and a huge responsibility and epic patience?) IK - I've been a SAHM to two little ones - 20 months apart - for 7+ years. We've had our accidents. I stepped away from the changing table once and *just* caught DD in time - she was 4 months and I knew technically I was not supposed to ever leave her "unattended" the diapers were just out of reach and DS was screaming for me. Once with just my DS (first baby) he did some miraculous goal-line crawl towards the stairs while I was spitting out toothpaste and rinsing my mouth (he was initially seated on the carpet *right* outside the bathroom and had never crawled more than 3 or 4 paces before face-planting (thick carpet) I thought I had a MINUTE...I didn't - he caught me off guard with a new developmental step. (he was fine - but it was terrifying)

I'm not saying you should leave your baby with your mom if she's not up to task. Sounds like it may be beyond what she's "cut out for" at this stage of life. But solely based upon what you've said in this thread I don't think your DP has any place to say "She's dead to me/etc" Ridiculous. Every parent makes mistakes. My DH is fabulous with the children but he let DD go down a bit too steep an incline with her scooter (she's 5 now.) She got some road rash (helmet on though!) but I can't imagine blaming him for the accident - unless I want to be held to the standard of NEVER making a misjudgment.

Would I leave her alone with your mom? No, but (personally/IMO) DP needs to step off and learn that every PARENT is due for at least one "OMG - I made a bad call" moment with a child. She wasn't malicious - just not up to taking care of an exploring baby. Time to find alt childcare if you believe this won't be an isolated incident. I hope his family doesn't let your DC skin their knee under their watch - Thanksgiving is going to get really sparse (assuming he'll hold them to the same standards as your mom...)


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## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

Wait - he won't ALLOW her to your house for Thanksgiving??? Ummm - your house too. He's not the dictator of your house - he's your partner. This is your mother and a loving grandmother. Maybe one who should not be in charge solely of your child, but not a malicious woman - or abusive in any capacity that I read. I'm sorry but that's awful. Cut a loving, involved grandparent out of your lives because she messed up?? (and please remind your DP that someday he WILL make some error with the baby and ask if he wants to held to the "shunning" standard for a one time screw-up)

Whoa - that's your mother. It would BREAK my heart if I somehow accidentally made a bad call with my grandchild and my child's partner banned me from the house.

Changing caregivers and an extra set of eyes when Dc is with your mom? Rational. Your DP's reaction? Not.


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## [email protected] (Sep 7, 2010)

Your mom loves your child & absolutely should have a relationship, but she should not be a caregiver. Too many red flags, and the outcome could be devastating next time.

I agree w/ all of the prior statements about your partner's comments -- really troubling.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think that the reaction you and your dp are giving this is very extreme. You knew she didn't believe in baby proofing the stairs, something many people don't believe in because of various reasons, including the risk of the child climbing over the gate and falling from the top of the gate down a flight of stairs. She made her viewpoint known to you and you continued to allow her to watch him and he got hurt, she didn't intentionally hurt him and she probably truly thought a tumble down the stairs would be no big deal because kids often take a tumble down stairs a few times in their life and come out of it barely hurt. My dd tumbled down half a flight of high stairs when she was two, holding the rail, and walking right next to me and again when she was five on another set of high stairs. When she was a toddler she fell many times, sometimes while holding my hand. Some people are lucky to have easy kids who never fall, trip, or scrape themselves at a young age, but most aren't.

Are you really going to let a man who claims to love you tell you to cut your own mother out of your life, say mean things about your mom, make you cause your mother ongoing emotional pain, and isolate you because your child got a minor bump? Is that what you are hoping your child does when you are a grandma? Think about how much you love your son and imagine him doing those things to you. I watched my brother going through an abusive relationship with a woman who made him do these things to my mom and it was so heartbreaking to see her cry so often because of him and her deep love that he allowed her to abuse. He has deep regrets about it now and I really suggest that no matter what you put up with in your relationship you make it clear that your mother is not to be a target for anything but respect and patience. I don't think she should babysit anymore because her age related issues and viewpoint on baby safe is out of touch with is good for a baby, but I don't think that she should not get a relationship with you and your child anymore.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Honestly, I think you and your DP are more culpable in this situation than your mother. You both made the decision to leave your child with someone who it seems you knew was not capable of taking care of him competently. I don't think she should be punished for your (and DP's) mistake. I get that your DP is upset, but it sounds like his anger is misplaced. I wouldn't allow him to dictate my or my child's relationship with my mother. I think he's within his rights to say "I don't want her to be alone with or responsible for my child in the future" - and that's something I'd respect (and I'd agree with, but even if I didn't, I would respect it and come up with a new care plan). But being around your child while others are supervising poses no risk that I can imagine to your child. I don't even understand his logic, if he indeed has any.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I'm curious. Has your partner calmed down any? How is the situation going now?


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## widemouthedfrog (Mar 9, 2006)

On my first day back to work, dd would not nap. Overtired, she fell out the french door onto the concrete onto her face. I came home to a child who had just stopped sobbing herself to sleep in grandma's arms. She had a split lip and her face was badly bruised and sore.

One day that summer, dd was running up the street while with her dad and she fell on her face, badly damaging one of her teeth.

I had the same reaction in both instances. I was upset for dd, but it was something that no one could have prevented really. Kids do get hurt.

However, as people who have the grandparents care for our child when I work part time, I need to be conscious of their ability to drive safely and ensure her safety around the home. There will come a time (likely when she is in school) that they will not really be able to care for her that well or in some situations. That's my (and your) responsibility. Same with each partner - if you or your partner is too tired or sick to care for your child, it is the other's responsibility to make sure that the child is cared for. It sounds like your mom may be at a point where you need to say no to unsupervised babysitting.

It sounds to me like you and dp might want to get some counseling after a while to separate this issue from the others that he has with your mom. It's important that your child gets to see his grandma and it sounds like it's important to her too. To me, this is not a "don't see grandma" thing, but it may be a "likely grandma should not babysit unless I'm there doing housework" kind of thing.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Sure, kids get hurt, but there's something to be said for at least attempting to prevent severe injuries. I think you do get points for trying- grandma wasn't trying. I'm definitely not siding with the dh but I think it's a bit more complicated than "kids get hurt!"


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## Laurski (Mar 13, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Spiralshell*
> 
> For now, DP's mom has agreed to watch the baby more. I may still need to look for daycare. I wouldn't even know where to start looking for in-home care that I could trust. I don't know any other moms in this area who could advise me, and finding baby care on craigs list kind of weirds me out.
> 
> Sigh!


I'm not sure what part of the Hudson Valley you're from (I'm from Westchester--hi!), but if you're still looking for daycare, these resources might be helpful:

NYS Division of Childcare Services (a searchable database of providers--it provides information on any state violations)

Childcare Council of Westchester

Childcare Council of Rockland

Childcare Council of Orange

If you are more interested in in-home care, I've heard good things about SitterCity, although I've never used it myself.

Good luck with finding daycare, if that's the route you choose. We just had to do the childcare search for DD (11 weeks) for when I go back to work part-time in January, so I know how tough it can be!

nak


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

OP: I just reread your OP and wanted to add something. You hit the "we got so lucky" and "we were very lucky" sentiment pretty hard in your post. The reality is that, while falls down the stairs can cause major injuries, most kids falls down the stairs result in minor injuries. This really wasn't a "we got soooo lucky" sort of thing. It was a very common result.

I'm still not seeing any reason at all that your son couldn't be around his grandmother, and I do have to agree with posters who have mentioned that you knew she wasn't watching your ds as carefully as you would have liked, but you still had her watching him. It's not surprising things haven't gone the way you'd have liked.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

It was just a few stairs right? Thats really not that big of a deal. Accidents happen. Kids are tough. This was not a miraculous outcome, no huge lucky break. My kids have taken repeated falls down out stairs (14 stairs, wood, table at the bottom) heck I have fallen more than a few times and we have never had more than a few bruises, cuts and sore spots. My kids are disaster magnets. One of them in particular. Well really, all of them....My middle one had a fondness for head injuries and my second one was addicted to taking headers down the stairs on a pretty regular basis. Your mom did not "allow" your child to get hurt. It just happened.

However it sounds like watching a small toddler for extended periods of time is beyond your moms abilities (the stair accident is the least of the things that concerned me.) However I don't think that is any reason to be mad at her. It just is what it is. Your partner needs to calm down and get a grip. I agree it sounds like there are deeper issues and he is just looking for an excuse to cut her off. So I think you should find other full time babysitting arrangements. But still spend lots of time with your mom and maybe have her watch the baby for shorter periods of time for instance when you run errands, go out on a date etc. You still trust her and look forward to seeing her relationship with your so grow but you recognize that all day is hard for her in light of her health issues.


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## childsplay (Sep 4, 2007)

Are you positive your Mom is capable of remembering stuff like shutting the gate, etc? I have a lot of experience with older folks in the very early stages of Alzheimer's and dementia. They seem almost completely capable....except something's just 'off '. Like shutting the gate, or the door, maybe she honestly thinks she closed it. What makes me think this is her reaction, asking you to stop hasseling her, maybe she knows something's off and is feeling frusterated and upset with herself.

If I were you I'd just let her be Grandma and leave the child minding to someone else. Are there any dayhomes in your area? They're usually smaller and more affordable than daycare centers.

As for your DP, he's way out of line but we all react differetly when we're upset so maybe he just needs a day or two. Or a couple days on his own with an active toddler.

And kinda O/T but when we designed our house we opted for a split staircase with a big landing in the middle (you know, L shaped stairs? ) so when the kids eventually fell down the stairs (which we knew was probably going to happen at one time or another) they'd have a shorter distance to fall. Ack! That just sounds awful now that I read it!


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## Marissamom (Dec 17, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *childsplay*
> 
> Are you positive your Mom is capable of remembering stuff like shutting the gate, etc? I have a lot of experience with older folks in the very early stages of Alzheimer's and dementia. They seem almost completely capable....except something's just 'off '. Like shutting the gate, or the door, maybe she honestly thinks she closed it. What makes me think this is her reaction, asking you to stop hasseling her, maybe she knows something's off and is feeling frusterated and upset with herself.
> 
> ...


that sounds smart to me. I still fall on stairs occasionally. my dad doesn't understand why I'm so lax about the stairs at his house. they are U-Shaped (two landings). so if she falls down it's only 5 steps before she hits a landing


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

My fist thought is that if your mom is falling asleep due to health issues she should should not be responsible for taking care of your kid. She can be with him of course, but its not a safe situation to leave him in her care alone, even before this incident.

Second of all, what happened could and possibly will happen to your dh or you or his parents. Your baby will, not might, will get hurt on your watch. Thats life. Yes it scares you but to cut your mom out of yourlives is an extreme reaction imo.

Find a new care giver. Keep frequent visits. Give your dh time to calm down.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

What if HIS mother is watching and turns her head for a second and the baby falls or otherwise gets hurt? Will he consider HER dead to him too? I bet not.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *childsplay*
> 
> Are you positive your Mom is capable of remembering stuff like shutting the gate, etc? I have a lot of experience with older folks in the very early stages of Alzheimer's and dementia. They seem almost completely capable....except something's just 'off '. Like shutting the gate, or the door, maybe she honestly thinks she closed it. What makes me think this is her reaction, asking you to stop hasseling her, maybe she knows something's off and is feeling frusterated and upset with herself.


This is something to consider and keep an eye on. I don't know how old she is, but this may be the first thing you are noticing. I may be going down that road with my own mom, but, i'm still in denial. I'm having to go over there every saturday and load all her medicines in a four times a day weekly pill container. Otherwise, she can't remember if she took her meds or not, so sometimes, she takes them, then a few minutes later takes them again. Or forgets them alltogether.


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## VocalMinority (Apr 8, 2009)

Obviously, your partner needs to get over this. It's not uncommon for men to express fear or panic, as anger. That's probably what he's doing. But if he doesn't return to reason soon, you really need to give him a good talking-to. He has no justification for hating your mother.

She is who she is. She has the limitations she has. They weren't any secret to you or your partner, before the day the baby fell down the stairs. She's slow. She's not meticulous. She gets distracted by her own needs, like cigarettes and naps. You wouldn't expect your Polish grandmother to turn off her accent when she's watching the baby, because you're trying to teach him perfect English. You wouldn't leave him with a 7-year-old babysitter and tell the sitter to act like an adult while you're gone. It's just as unreasonable to imagine your mom's love for the baby can make her be someone other than she is, while she's watching him. You and your partner - the ones ultimately responsible for the baby - must decide: is it safe for her to keep being around the baby without supervision, now that he's more mobile? The answer's inconvenient, but probably kind of obvious.

If I sound unsympathetic, that's not what I intend at all! We're dealing with the same issues. Both my parents and my MIL are in town, and DH and I have a 3-year-old. All 3 of our parents were accustomed to watching our older kids, all the time. And, since the older kids are pre-teens and teens now (and more or less able to care for themselves for reasonable periods), our parents can still "watch" them (i.e., come over and visit with them and feel like they're helping DH and me). But my MIL cannot catch our toddler. So we've had to be very clear that if she watches him, they have to stay inside. Even if it hurts her feelings, that's the deal, or she can't stay alone with him. A serious accident on her watch would upset her much more and cause a much bigger rift in our relationships with her. Actually, she's really cool about it. She knows she has mobility issues. It's more difficult with my Dad, who's recovering from a stroke. He seem to think he's back, 100%. But there are times he just doesn't seem able to pay attention to details, or he gets confused about what he needs to do. He always offers to watch the baby for us. But we just have to say no. It would be great if we could take full advantage of all the willing, loving, free child care that surrounds us. But, again, we can't expect our parents to be different people, just because we need them to watch the baby.


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