# For Poney



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

My heart is breaking in a million pieces for you. Please know that I extend my heart to you. I can't imagine the deep pain and anguish you must be traveling through. Feelings of disbeleif, anger, denial and deep sorrow. I think that your feelings are very normal.

You'll travel through many more over the comming months. You OWN your feelings and have a right to them. Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The only way to resove feelings is to allow them to come, realize why they came and move through them. Greif is a jorney and your feelings are all different paths that will lead you on this joureny. Some will be very frightening to you. Some will bring you tremendous comfort.

As you go through this difficult pregnancy, please take care of yourself. I know you feel like 'why bother', but please know that you still matter. Your health is VERY important to your total well being and you need to care for yourself.

Have you sought out counseling? You have so much to go through now and still so many decisions to make. I hope you have a supportive network around you.

Please feel free to post here as often as you need to. I extend my heart to you and will hold you deeply in my thoughts. Please feel free to pm me or email me at [email protected] any time.


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## pony (Dec 23, 2001)

Ms. Mom--thank you so much for your concern and support. Lord knows I need it. I had posted my situation a while ago on the "I'm pregnant" forum but haven't written anything lately because my nosey husband searched me out and read all my posts (I didn't realize how easy it was to do that on these boards). I felt like my privacy was violated and I couldn't use these boards any longer for support. I was so enraged at him for taking away virtually my only source of support for this tragedy unfolding in my life. What a horrible scene it was the night I found out he read everything. Anyway, I've gotten over it somewhat but still feel a little distrustful about posting again.
It still feels very distant to me. Maybe I'm in denial about this baby's inevitable death. I've not had to deal with death in my family before. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to read any of the literature that my genetic counselor sent, I don't want to contact any of the counselors I was referred to, I don't want to think about it. But I feel that I must. I'm still taking care of myself (aside from the daily ice cream [fruit sweetened soy ice cream], I still take my prenatal vitamins, avoid all alcohol and caffeine, and go to prenatal yoga because I don't want to stress this poor defective baby anymore than it is already and because I'm hoping against hope that some miracle will manifest from all the prayers that have been sent for this baby and she'll turn out to be a perfect and healthy baby girl who will stay with me to raise and love and bring me joy. However, the upcoming second round of ultrasounds will probably confirm that this is unlikely to happen.


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

Dear Pony

It is so hard to read your posts, I feel so sad for you and your baby and can't imagine how you keep going

I hope you will feel able to keep posting because there are so many compassionate women here who will support you, though I do understand about your husband reading your posts, I would be very distressed about that too

but does this mean that you and your husband are unable to keep in touch in other ways?

I also hope there are people around you in real life to hug and cry with, and to feel whatever you feel

with love

emmaline


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

{{{Pony}}}}}} I think you are so brave & such a wonderful person to do what you are doing. I can also totally understand how you could be upset by what your husband did. I'm pleased to hear you are looking after yourself. It is so important to do that to keep yourself together so you can face whatever comes your way. Please keep us all informed as to how you are. My heart goes out to you & your sweet babe.


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## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

Dear Pony

So many ((((hugs)))) to you. You are so brave and strong. Please still come here to release you thoughts and emotions. I am sorry that your husband read your posts and your feel violated. Perhaps you both should talk with someone. A family member whom you both adore, a friend whom you trust or minister.

Journaling might help you and reading. The greatest help for me was finding a book by Dooreen Virtue PhD about angles. I have poured out my heart to my angels in recent weeks. I am a believer of these types of things. I have also started back to gardening. working in the earth is a great healer. She is our source....

Perhaps you might have an acupunture treatment or two, that also connected me to my process and helped my body.

I will send you healing thoughts and fortitude for this time in your life.

beth


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I agree - journaling is a very healing process.

I do think what your feeling is so normal. Your in a state of limbo right now and your body and mind has gone into a state of shock. This is how our bodies protect us.

Go with what feels right for you. I'm so pleased that your doing Yoga, it's a beautiful way for you and the baby to find some spiritual peace. As things come up, you'll deal with them in a way that feels right to you.

As for your husband reading your posts. I know first hand how hard that can be. I would expalian to him why you feel comfortable coming here. If he's still not receptive, aske him what he thinks would be best for you. Keeping in mind how difficult this is on you.

Our Personal Message system is not very easy to get into, so that may be another avenue for you.

I still hold you deeply in though.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

.


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## pony (Dec 23, 2001)

I am so incredibly grateful to you ladies for your wonderful warmth and support. Xiola's Mama, you filled me with hope when I read your story about the 3 couples whose babies were diagnosed with Downs Syndrome and yet had normal babies.
But the doctor saw the abnormalities on the ultrasound. The baby has 6 fingers on each hand, small ears, and the hole in her heart, which is the thing that'll kill her, days, maybe minutes after she's born. She has a rare chromosomal defect in which the 13th chromosome appears 3 times. Symptoms include severe mental retardation and very short lifespan.
I have a good friend who coincidentally conceived about the same time I did. Her due date is Sept. 6, mine is Sept. 5. We are both carrying girls, and we will both deliver in the same hospital. Her daughter will live and mine will die. That is just too weird.
But you know, I wasn't prepared for this baby. I really didn't want it (God, how cruel this sounds!). My life is just too overwhelmed (with my 2 year old son, with a difficult marriage, with a house in the midst of renovations, with financial concerns). The spirit of this baby probably sensed that I wasn't ready for her and decided that she's just not going to stick around. But it's just so terribly tragic.


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

I'm kinda on my way out the door but checked my emails first so Ihave to be quick. Please don't blame yourself Pony. I know it is difficult not to ( been there, done that ) but I really think you have nothing to feel guilty of. You are so brave, so kind & so compassionate. This is probably more why your sweet soul chose you. Not coz you deserved to suffer. My heart is breaking for you. Hang in there. All my love. OM


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

.


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## pony (Dec 23, 2001)

My husband and I had pretty much made peace about him eavesdropping on my messages. He gave me his word that he would not do that again. I know that he's just as upset about the baby as I am, but that 's not why he was lurking on the Mothering board. He wanted to know what I was writing about him. Our relationship had been strained before the bad news and has almost reached the breaking point after. Now I'm wondering if our marriage will survive at all after the baby dies. They say most marriages fall apart after the death of a child.


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

I'm not sure how you feel about your marriage but from personal experience. I have many issues with my husband, I can't say for sure but I reckon if we had not lost our 2 babies before Saffron we would not be together. He may be many things but he was there when I needed him, he looked after me & he is the only person around who I feel truly understands what we lost & consequently how much Saffron means to me. So, if you want there to be hope, there is. Things like this often strengthen relationships rather than break them despite initial appearances.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Poney, I'm thinking about the self blame. I too remember feeling it. I came home from work one day and told dh that something was very wrong and the baby wasn't going to make it. I went to a park and cried for hours. A month later the placenta abrupted and she died. I blamed myself (and sometimes still do) for years, that if I had faith in her and my body that this wouldn't have happened. I blamed myself for being in a stressfull job and not getting more rest. The list goes on, but mostly I blamed myself for having a faulty body and somehow failing my daughter.

Self blame is actaully a part of the greif process - it is healthy, because you need to go through all the reasons you could blame in order to release them. It's when you don't eventually release them that there's a problum.

It's natural for us to want to blame someone or something when something like this happens. But, I think you know deep inside of you that this is just a horrible, horrible random event.

From your posts I see a kind, loving person who's very scared right now. I can't imagine the pain that you and your family are going through. Please, continue to reach out to others. Continue your Yoga practice so that you can center yourself. Continue to care for yourself. There's so much uncertanty right now.

I hold you gently in my thoughts and wish you well.


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## pony (Dec 23, 2001)

Thank you so much for your loving thoughts. Both my husband and I have been through so much strain. Living in a house that's been under construction for 3 years( with my husband doing all the work himself), trying to raise our son, fighting with eachother constantly, has really stressed us out. And suddenly our dog was diagnosed with cancer and our baby was diagnosed with Trisomy 13. This is the stuff of soap operas and country western songs. And lately it's all coming at us at once. I think it was Neitche who said "that which does not kill you makes you stronger". I hope he's right.


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