# Yelling at a child, then appologizing???



## stressedstepmom (Oct 20, 2005)

My stepdaughter told me today that when her mom yells at her or her brother, she appologizes to them later, but my husband and I don't do that. She made it sound like we are bad because we don't do what mom does.

We almost never raise our voices to stepdaughter. Maybe 2 times in the last 3 years, if that. She follows all the rules. She may be disciplined now and then, but she never talks back or mouths off to get in more trouble.

The stepson has a tendency to argue with you before you finish any sentence. He immediately makes it a conflict. He's good at bating us for an arguement where we should pull rank and stop him in his tracks. This is something we are working on.

The children feel when mom appologizes, then that means she was wrong and they were right. I guess she doesn't explain that her approach may not have been the one she wanted, but she had a right to discipline them.

Does anyone practice this?? Do you yell at your child, then appologize for it? Do you turn around and yell at them again and appologize again??

Just trying to get a handle on this.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

I don't think that yelling is appropriate in relationships... and it's one of my biggest pitfalls. I am a yeller who comes from a yelling family. When I yell at my son, I do try to make amends for it afterwards when we are both calmer. I also try (and forget a lot) to apologize to my husband for yelling at him. Nobody likes to be yelled at, and I try to honor our relationships by apologizing when I exhibit poor behavior.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

I always apologise if I yell.
I dont apologise for being the parent or having to do certain things. But I Do say it was wrong of me to use control and to yell. I have even slapped a hand or leg in frustration (when one child was trying to kill another within my reflex strike range for example) and I apologise then too.
I do not go back on the reason for the disciplinary action just because I handled it wrong though.
If this mom feels so bad about yelling that she apologises and lets the kids get away with everything that is ineffective.
For example, I am sorry I yelled. You still have to pick up the toys, or stop beating your brother or whatever. But I should not have yelled. I was angry (or surprised or whatever).
Joline


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## ctdoula (Dec 26, 2002)

I try to apologize for using "my loud voice" when it happens (which is sometimes too often).


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

I think it's always a good thing to apologize when we mistreat others.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

If/when I do loose control of myself and resort to yelling, I always apologize, be it to an adult or a child.

This way I set an example to follow -when one does something disrespectful to another (and yelling is disrespectful IMO), it is only proper to apologize and try not to do it again (try being the operative, LOL)


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

Yep. I sometimes yell and I always apologize once we've cooled off. I explain how I was feeling and why. I want my son to know that a) I'm not infallible and b) while whatever he did may not have been okay, it was no excuse for me behaving like a horse's rear.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dragonfly*
Yep. I sometimes yell and I always apologize once we've cooled off. I explain how I was feeling and why. I want my son to know that a) I'm not infallible and b) while whatever he did may not have been okay, it was no excuse for me behaving like a horse's rear.

me too

i feel horrible about it. i was going to say, "but...", but there really is not excuse. i shouldnt lose my temper. it only happens with my teenager (my first born, the son i loved the longest and who can drive me crazy).
i dont know why i have more patience with younger kids...i think i just tend to give them more leeway. of course, they are eager to please mommy and don't question every thing you ask them to do (WHY do i have to take out the garbage..it doesn't stink that much...WHY do i have to change the litter boxes? i want to see the research that says you can't change a litter box while you are prego).

oy! the teenage years!!!!!!

rach


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

If I do yell (which I of course avoid but sometimes get so frustrated that it does happen) I do apologize and explain that it was wrong of me to yell and then talk to her about whatever the behavior was that prompted me to loose my temper.


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## KariM (Mar 13, 2004)

On the few occasions when I've yelled at my son, I later went to him and apologized.

I believe that yelling or treating another person with disrespect is wrong. If I behave in that manner I have to apologize to the other person - whether that person is my friend, lover, or child.

What the apology means is that my behavior - the yelling - was disrespectful and wrong and I'm asking for forgiveness for that behavior.

--Kari


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I always make sure my children know how sorry I am after I lose my temper. I would apologize to anyone if I yelled, my children are no exception. I try really hard not to yell in the first place, but like PP'ers have said, I'm not infallible and my children deserve to know it and know that I don't expect perfection from them or myself.


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## radish (Sep 19, 2002)

Yup, if I lose my cool and yell, I apologize as soon as possible.


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## bellflower (Aug 6, 2004)

Likewise...I just got really loud the other day and felt TERRIBLE. When we calmed down, I apologized, hugged, kissed, pointed out that I was upset but I should have given myself a "timeout" in another room to calm down instead of acting like I did. I would definitely want someone to apologize to me for yelling at me!


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## mirthfulmum (Mar 3, 2003)

Have I lost my temper and yelled at my boys? Yes. And I always appologize. I appologize because it is the right thing to do. When I am rude or inconsiderate to anyone, especially my children, I appologize. And also I appologize because I want to show my kids that it's okay to get angry and frustrated but it's not okay to take it out on others. When I loose my cool, just like when my boys do, I/they stop, take a breath and then brain storm ways I/they can handle the situation next time so that we aren't hurting the feelings of the people around us.


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## amyjeans (Jul 27, 2004)

I agree with pps-
when I yell- way too often I think- I appologize. Its only fair. I would expect my children to behave the same. Lead by example.
I even go as far as saying, I wasn't very nice when I yelled huh? and that helps dd recognize when others are being unkind and how she can react to it.
She's a spitfire thought- she dishes it out right back to me sometimes- which is why I really need to curb my temper...again, leading by example!


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I haven't yelled at Simon, but I've raised my voice or used a rude tone with him on occasion. Whenever I do this, I apologize. The same holds true whenever I do anything that I don't feel good about having done in our relationship with him.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

I, too, apologize. Yelling is my biggest pitfall.







I think we tend to worry about "losing face" by apologizing but what's more important is making connection. When I yell I know it causes my child to feel shameful and that is NOT what I want - in fact, it's the opposite of what I want. I do not want her cowering in fear of my anger - that's not discipline, that's intimidation. It's ok to be angry! But we need to find appropriate "outlets," too - I do "time out" myself and it helps a lot.


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## luckylady (Jul 9, 2003)

I do apologize for YELLING at my DD, but I do not apologize for what I was yelling about.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

I also say sorry and explain to him that sometimes even mommy's lose their temper. We cannot be perfect all the time (although I come close haha<tic>)
We can only do our best and when we fail its a lesson for all of us.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

It depends. If its obvious that I've scared or upset them, then yes I do apologize. If I've really lost it and used foul language or I've shouted insults or demeaned them, then yes, I definately apologize. However, if I've just gotten frustrated, and I've raised my voice to express my feelings without insulting them or attacking them -- then no, I do not apologize. I'm not a loud person. If I feel pushed to the point of yelling, then its because I'm experiencing very strong feelings. I've as much right to express them as anyone, provided I do so without attacking my child.


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## stressedstepmom (Oct 20, 2005)

hummmm. I read all those posts, but it's hard I guess to relate. I don't know.

I guess when the kids told me about mom yelling then appologizing it reminded me of a neighbor I had as a child. He would hurt his wife, then start crying and appologize for hurting her. He would hurt her again when he got angry and appologized. You see the picture.

I'm not a yeller. My mom & dad fought when I was a kid. I was the baby of 7 in a 3 bedroom apartment. My siblings fought all the time. To this day yelling frightens me. Talking loud and confrontational especially frightens me even when I watch it on TV.

Because of this, I'm very careful with how I treat others, especially children.

I'm also a huge believe that if you are sorry for something then you don't do it again. We get on to the kids about doing things, appologizing for them and then doing them again.

Maybe there's a difference in spontaneous yelling and excalated confrontation. Maybe there's a difference in a person having a bad day and overreacting v/s a person being provoked.

When my husband or I yell at our stepson we do nothing until the next day. Then we go over the events with him from the very first sentence of the conversation and move our way up to us yelling. We show him the pattern and discuss ideas of how to avoid it in the future.

He's in JR High now, it's time that he learns to show the respect he wants shown to him. As a matter of fact, he's managed to get his 5th & 6th grade teachers to yell at him when they almost never raised their voices to other children. this is something his classmates mentioned.

Yeah, it's way off key from all the posts, but I don't think a simple apology is in order. I want to do something to prevent it in the future.


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## jenmk (Apr 28, 2005)

I apologize too. For my poor behavior, not for the discipline. My kids are young (3yo and 18mo) and do not appear to think I am telling them they were right when I apologize. But I'm very clear that I'm sorry for the way I handled the situation, but that what they did was not acceptable.

I believe you should always apologize when you treat someone poorly, that it doesn't undermine your authority, but instead models treating someone with respect, kindness, and taking responsibility for your actions. It also lets your kids know that you are human and you have bad days too, but that to treat others with kindness is to apologize when you should. If someone yells at me and then does not apologize for their bad behavior, I find it difficult to impossible to forgive and forget.


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## burritomama (Aug 26, 2002)

I too apologize and explain - and yes, do work on myself to prevent it in the future.

I don't see how one would cancel the other out.


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## canadiyank (Mar 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stressedstepmom*
We show him the pattern and discuss ideas of how to avoid it in the future.

I do understand what you're saying, mama, and obviously yes, you need to be shown respect, too. But it sounds to me (and this is just reading into the small amt of info you've given - IRL situation could be much different, so I'm adding that disclaimer!) as though the underlying message you're giving here amounts to: "Well, we wouldn't yell if you didn't provoke/make us."

Sure he may be pushing your buttons, but he's not responsible for your reaction - you are. And yeah, I need my own preaching, too - I remind myself of that often.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stressedstepmom*
Yeah, it's way off key from all the posts, but I don't think a simple apology is in order. I want to do something to prevent it in the future.

You want to do something so your response is not to yell? Or you want your dss to do something so you don't have to yell at him? Those "yelling-prevention" goals are very different.

I don't think the posts are saying, "Apologize and then keep yelling." More like, "Apologize to admit fault/reconnect/and/or show you don't want to yell, then learn new skills so it doesn't happen again/decreases frequency."

Obviously I do not have older children, and step-children brings in a whole new set of complications (as I understand from my MIL, who has teenage step-children). But in this case I would still apologize saying something to the effect of, "There's times I feel angry b/c of your lack of respect and start yelling. This is not something I want to do and I'm sorry for yelling. I'm not condoning your behavior, but b/c I don't want to yell anymore when such-and-so happens I will disengage/walk to another room/set a time to talk about it when we cool down/and/or (whatever you decide as a family)."

Are you trying to make a distinction between a false "I'm sorry" and a genuine apology? I guess I'm truly confused why you feel an apology is inappropriate other than you don't feel *you* did something wrong, or that you were provoked to it, or justified in being angry? Or is it b/c you want to show true change (i.e., not to yell in the future) - and I don't understand why that is incompatible with an apology...

I don't think the goal is to never be angry, but I do think it's possible to discipline w/o yelling - I don't want to yell. That's what I'm apologizing for, not condoning their behavior, and not out of fear of their reaction b/c I've been "too harsh" or whatnot and want to smooth things over. Does that make more sense?

I do understand what you mean about just apologizing over and over. But I believe most of us here are trying to learn skills so we don't yell. At the same time, I do not blame my children for *my* reaction.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stressedstepmom*
hummmm. I read all those posts, but it's hard I guess to relate. I don't know.

I guess when the kids told me about mom yelling then appologizing it reminded me of a neighbor I had as a child. He would hurt his wife, then start crying and appologize for hurting her. He would hurt her again when he got angry and appologized. You see the picture.

I'm not a yeller. My mom & dad fought when I was a kid. I was the baby of 7 in a 3 bedroom apartment. My siblings fought all the time. To this day yelling frightens me. Talking loud and confrontational especially frightens me even when I watch it on TV.

Because of this, I'm very careful with how I treat others, especially children.

I'm also a huge believe that if you are sorry for something then you don't do it again. We get on to the kids about doing things, appologizing for them and then doing them again.

Maybe there's a difference in spontaneous yelling and excalated confrontation. Maybe there's a difference in a person having a bad day and overreacting v/s a person being provoked.

When my husband or I yell at our stepson we do nothing until the next day. Then we go over the events with him from the very first sentence of the conversation and move our way up to us yelling. We show him the pattern and discuss ideas of how to avoid it in the future.

He's in JR High now, it's time that he learns to show the respect he wants shown to him. As a matter of fact, he's managed to get his 5th & 6th grade teachers to yell at him when they almost never raised their voices to other children. this is something his classmates mentioned.

Yeah, it's way off key from all the posts, but I don't think a simple apology is in order. I want to do something to prevent it in the future.

I see your analogy to the abusive husband who then apologizes and completely agree with your statement that it should be avoided.

However, should the parents who yell and NOT apologize be compared to the husband who hurts his wife and does not apologize?

We are all admitting here that we do yell now and then. And we all striving to eliminate that.

Also, the statements along the lines of "*he* made the teacher yell at him" or "*he* made us yell at him" prompt me to draw a similar analogy with an abusive husband who claims that "*she* made me hit ner"

On the side note - I completely relate to you about being scared by yelling/raised voices. For me it's exclusively male voices though









So not by any means I am saying "yelling is OK, as long as you apologize later". I am saying when it *does* happen, I see it as my duty to apologize AND try not to do it again.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

excellent and well written posts, Meghan and Irina!


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I do that as well (the yelling and apologizing,) but I do try to make it clear that while I was wrong for yelling, I wasn't wrong for wanting to be in control/wanting the child to behave appropriately.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper and yelled at you when I got upset. Do you understand why I got upset?" Then we talk about whatever it was that upset me (not cleaning up, not being quiet, throwing stuff, etc.)


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## Starflower (Sep 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shenjall*
excellent and well written posts, Meghan and Irina!

















: You both expressed what I wanted to say better than I would have. Thanks.


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## aceboo (Apr 19, 2005)

i ALWAYS apologize when i yell, i even have asked my daughter to help me and bring it to my attention when i do...is this not good?


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I do not generally yell at my children, but when we have been frustrated and lost our cool I have raised my voice. We are only human and just doing the best we can, ya know? I feel it is absolutely appropriate to apologize to a child when you have yelled, etc. Why wouldn't it be?


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## dalbert (Oct 16, 2002)

I'm guilty of losing my temper as well and believe that the only good that comes out of it is that I then model behavior for my dd that shows her how to say she is sorry and regrets the choice to lose her temper and then we talk about how we both could've made better choices. Sometimes we role play the better way. She has reflected this very same behavior when she has lost her temper and regretted it. So, that's good. But it would be better to model how to make a different choice right from the beginning, I'm sometimes I'm able to do this.

I don't know if anyone out there is familiar with Stephen Covey, but he talks about subordinating an impulse to a value so that we are not driven by feelings, or circumstances, or conditions, or environment, but instead we are driven by our internalized values. I try to remember that any time I feel myself starting to lose it...that I can rise above my temper because I make my choices based on my values, not my feelings or any of that external stuff. But it's a constant challenge for me.








:


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

I too have yelled at ds. Most often it has been "Stop Yelling!"







And I totally agree that I am responsible for my reaction and as such do apologize when I treat him with the disrespect of yelling at him. I find that when I have yelled, it has been a viceral response and I do work to identify what emotional factor of *mine* prompted by reaction. Generally, it is from having a physical impact of a loud voice or an inadvertant hit or kick when I am tired or hungry. For instance, when I am multi-tasking and hungry and ds calls loudly for something, my threshold for an additional demand puts me over the edge of being a patient responder. Or if I am awakened by wiggling legs too close to my head (we co-sleep), I am apt to let out a yell 'Stop kicking me!'

In both of these situations, I am able to step back and see that ds was trying to meet a need, without full awareness of the impact of his behavior or full self-control of his body. Would I prefer that he only interrupt me with a gentle "mama, excuse me, yada, yada"? Sure, but he is learning and when he is hungry and tired, he too is less patient and less able to delay gratification. Throw in added frustrations beyond his control and he yells much more than I would like. What I would hope that he would choose to do is learn from me modelling self-introspection and identifying why he was impatient and apologize for disrespectful behaviors.

Is he going to do this perfectly? I don't. And when he doesn't, I work to help him identify what is happening with his body such that his self-awareness and self-control can be nurtured. For instance, I might say 'I know that you are hungry. I am glad to help you but I can't help when you are yelling. It hurts my ears. Would you please just say 'excuse me mama, would you help me?'. By helping him to identify the underlying need, he has more constructive tools for voicing his needs. Just as I am becoming more effective at verbalizing 'I am hungry and feeling impatient; I need to get something to eat'. And when hunger or cranky tiredness overwhelms my self-control, I apologize and work to identify and resolve my need.

Pat


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stressedstepmom*
He's in JR High now, it's time that he learns to show the respect he wants shown to him. As a matter of fact, he's managed to get his 5th & 6th grade teachers to yell at him when they almost never raised their voices to other children.

i think the issue might be your perception. seems you might think that your stepson is in control of his teachers behavior to him.

here's my take: i have more power than my son, he's a child and i'm an adult. therefore, i always have more responsility in the relationship than him to demonstate correct behavior. i understand we all have our limits. however, if i lose it with my son and yell, this is my responsibility not his no matter how he was acting. not to say he can act anyway he wants, but no matter how terrible he acts, it's still my job as the adult and person with more power to not yell and act compassionate and patient.

[have you read "easy to love, difficult to discipline?" this might be clearer than i am. one of her axioms "discipline yourself first, then your child." ]

and since i am always the one responsible for my behavior (never my child) i have no problem apologizing, no matter how trying my son has been.









one more comment; you say your ss needs to learn respect. child learn respect by being respected. if your ss is very disrespectful, maybe he is not being respected somewhere?









HTH!


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## stressedstepmom (Oct 20, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *canadiyank*
You want to do something so your response is not to yell? Or you want your dss to do something so you don't have to yell at him? Those "yelling-prevention" goals are very different.

I don't think the posts are saying, "Apologize and then keep yelling." More like, "Apologize to admit fault/reconnect/and/or show you don't want to yell, then learn new skills so it doesn't happen again/decreases frequency."

Are you trying to make a distinction between a false "I'm sorry" and a genuine apology?

I do understand what you mean about just apologizing over and over.

I've picked out the sentences that pretty much sum up what I'm thinking.

I guess I've seen a pattern in people that say "I'm sorry" when they don't really mean it. And when you say "I'm sorry" but repeat what you are sorry for, then you are teaching the children that it's okay to do something just as long as you say you are sorry.

At least that's the interpretation these kids are getting. It may not be that way for all children or parents.

These kids have done something and then without any remorse in their voices they say, "I said I was sorry." as if that will fix it and be done with it. Then, the next day, or that same day, they do it again and say "I"m sorry". I think the words "I'm sorry" have been used too loosely.

I guess I associate "I'm sorry" with having remorse. And a strong desire for changing something so that it doesn't happen again comes with remorse.

My situation is not your typical situation.


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stressedstepmom*
Does anyone practice this?? Do you yell at your child, then appologize for it? Do you turn around and yell at them again and appologize again??

Just trying to get a handle on this.


I do yell at my kids, im working very hard not to. I almost always apologize for yelling and explain that I was frusterated but that yelling is never ok and that I shouldnt have, then address the behavior or whatever that upset me. I think it is important to portray to my children that it is not ok to yell and that I am trying to change. I think its important to respect them and apologize when i mess up.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I think that the apology serves to communicate that you don't believe your child deserved being yelled at. I think that is important. I think its important for a person to walk away from any sort of abuse with the clear message that the other person was wrong, and that s/he is a worthwhile person who did not deserve what happened. An apology communicates, "Its not you -- its me with the problem."


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## TortelliniMama (Mar 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stressedstepmom*
I guess I've seen a pattern in people that say "I'm sorry" when they don't really mean it. And when you say "I'm sorry" but repeat what you are sorry for, then you are teaching the children that it's okay to do something just as long as you say you are sorry.

I certainly agree that in some situations, "I'm sorry" can be used as a get-out-of-jail-free card, with the belief being, "Well, I said I was sorry, so I don't need to do anything more about it!" But there are other situations in which you say "I'm sorry" but repeat the action later. Those are situations in which changing the action is difficult.

If I had a stroke and was re-learning to walk, I might tend to bump into people and fall into them and things they're working on. I'd be likely to follow up with an apology. Am I sorry that it happened? Yes. Will it happen again? Probably, because I'm learning (re-learning) a new skill. Will there be times where, if I was paying perfect attention and putting all of my effort into the situation, I could have avoided the fall? Yes, I might be distracted, I might be tired, I might just be fed up with how hard it is to walk. I'm human. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, because I don't like hurting/annoying other people. Will I try the best I can (which doesn't include being at the top of my game every minute) to avoid having it happen? Yes.

Yelling in stressful situations is a difficult response to change for many people. We mess it up, but that doesn't mean we think it's okay. I think if you consider a situation in which you've yelled at your kids, apologized, and your kids are still obviously upset about the yelling, your reaction to their being upset can tell you a lot. Do you feel, "Why is he still upset? I *said* I was sorry!" Or do you feel, "I wish I had been able to avoid that. It really upsets him when I yell." Remorse doesn't imply the ability to avoid an action in the future. It just means that you recognize the effect on others and are working to avoid doing it again.


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stressedstepmom*
I guess I associate "I'm sorry" with having remorse. And a strong desire for changing something so that it doesn't happen again comes with remorse.

My situation is not your typical situation.

I think it's strange that you're assuming that everyone here doesn't feel the same way about apologies.







I seriously doubt that any of us are apologizing to excuse ourselves from yelling so that we can just go ahead and do it again. Perhaps you should search out some of the threads on apologies here. The reasons you've outlined are the exact reasons that many of us don't force our kids into false apologies to others. We understand how important it is that an apology be genuine - accompanied by remore and a desire to do better.

The fact of the matter is that yelling is something pepole struggle with intensely. It's not something you simply change at the drop of a hat. So, while you struggle to get it under control, you do what you can to let your child know that, while you lost it, it's absolutely not okay and you're going to continue to try to do better.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stressedstepmom*

These kids have done something and then without any remorse in their voices they say, "I said I was sorry." as if that will fix it and be done with it. Then, the next day, or that same day, they do it again and say "I"m sorry". I think the words "I'm sorry" have been used too loosely.

then absolutly all the more reason to apologize in a very sincere and loving way when you regret doing something. modeling good behavior like this goes a long way with kids. NOT apologizing when you have acted badly because the kids don't know how to be sincere doesn't make any sense to me.... really, what are you trying to teach them? this is a serious question. if you want to teach kids to honestly apologize for poor behavior then the best thing you can do is act this way yourself, not withold it as.... um... punishment. *be* the change you want to see... we see this is powerful enough to bring huge empires to their knees.


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

Yelling is not discipline, discipline is something done to help the child learn not to repeat a behavior that doesn't fit in with the families values. Yelling as discipline is done to scare children into stopping a behavior and that borders on verbal abuse so I think that it is write for their mother to apologize and make amends. Perhaps the reason the kids think they are right is because she tends to yell at small things she really doesn't care about when she is stressed out and loses control and she decides not to make an issue of things.


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## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

I think I am seeing something different in the original post. I would be concerned more so about having a child stepping into to role of advising or criticizing their parent's discipline. Often children will do this, then get your response, then go back home and say "so and so said .....", thus causing problems. While it is fine to think about what she said, I would tell her that each set of parents have their own ways of doing things, and that is okay as it celebrates the differences in people.

As far as apologizing goes, you really don't know what the circumstances for her mom apologizing are. Maybe she went way off the deep end and owed the child an apology. Of course you should apologize to your child if you lose your temper, or take your frustrations out on them inappropriately...but if you are just raising your voice a bit to get your point across without losing your own self, you should have that right. To expect anybody to be completely calm and peaceful 100% of the time is unrealistic. As humans we are emotional and we have every right to express our emotions.

I like Mr. Rodgers view of parent's losing their tempers. He says that it is important that children see their parents get angry, and express their anger, but also they see their parent get over it and deal with it positively. In the house I grew up, my father had an explosive temper...it was the supposedly calm days that were the worst. You were just sitting on the edge of your seat, waiting for it to blow.


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## annab (Mar 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybeedreams*
i think the issue might be your perception. seems you might think that your stepson is in control of his teachers behavior to him.

here's my take: i have more power than my son, he's a child and i'm an adult. therefore, i always have more responsility in the relationship than him to demonstate correct behavior. i understand we all have our limits. however, if i lose it with my son and yell, this is my responsibility not his no matter how he was acting. not to say he can act anyway he wants, but no matter how terrible he acts, it's still my job as the adult and person with more power to not yell and act compassionate and patient.

[have you read "easy to love, difficult to discipline?" this might be clearer than i am. one of her axioms "discipline yourself first, then your child." ]

and since i am always the one responsible for my behavior (never my child) i have no problem apologizing, no matter how trying my son has been.









I just started week one of ETL, DTD, so the OP's comments struck me as well.

I also give sincere apologies to my son when I raise my voice. I say, "I really should have controlled my voice, bud. Sorry I yelled." When we discuss anger, we talk about how to manage it. We don't place value judgments on it. "When you are angry, you have to find a way to be angry without hurting others." We have had days where when I am putting my son to bed, I say, "Today was really rough for both of us, wasn't it? I am sorry that I was not respectful of your feelings when I...."

Maybe DSS needs to be given specific tools which show what is OK when he is angry and what is not. "When you are angry, you may come talk to us about it, but you will need to use a calm and respectful tone which we will give back to you." As a discussion starts to escalate, give him feedback. "Calm tone, please." If you maintain your composure, it will help him do the same. "When you are angry, it is OK to go to your room and listen your music loudly on your headphones/go for a run/scream into a pillow/meditate until you can come talk to us calmly. However, I must insist that you to speak to us with respect, which we will do for you."

I think you all could be at a great turning point. You might consider a family meeting to talk about what is acceptable and what is not and allow everyone to contribute to the plan. Explain that you will apologize if you treat them in a way that is less pleasant that you would want to be treated, but you won't apologize for being a parent and making parental decisions.

Best of luck.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

I do 3 things when I yell:

1) Apologize honestly. "I'm sorry I raised my voice sweetheart." (end apology - I ALWAYS want to add - but you weren't listenting to me... but you wouldn't stop whining, etc. But that wouldn't be a true apology. That would make her responsible for my actions. And she isn't. I'm responsible for my yelling.)

2) Give her words to use next time. "If that happens again, you can say Mommy, you're scaring me, I don't like it when you yell." I think it's important to give her recourse, for her to start to establish her own boundaries. And maybe if my little toddler can say that to me, she can help me be a better parent and not yell so much.

3) Say a prayer and ask God to protect her ego and sense of self and let her survive being raised by me in this world with a healthy self-esteem.


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