# Anyone live through this without having another?



## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

My second son was born still 6 months ago. Literally everyone I've talked to who had a similar experience had another child afterward. That's not possible for us. Anyone have any thoughts? I generally avoid this forum, because just seeing the titles and signature lines about everyone else's pregnancies and newborns are painful to see, but I would really like to hear about others' experiences.


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I have known many people in your situation. Mostly in the groups I've worked with over the past 10 years. Some have made a concious choice to not have another baby for their own reasons. Some were not able to for medical reasons.

How are you feeling now about your loss? It's all still so fresh and raw. I do think there are some people here who are in a similar situation.

I just wanted to respond and offer my support.

There's an organization called Alive Alone that deals with parents who have no living children. I havn't heard from them in many years. I'll see if I can find them - they had a lot of amazing support.

Gently,

Jacque


----------



## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Srain...I don't really know what to say, but I wanted to offer my support and send hugs your way.


----------



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Me unfortunately. It's been over 4 years and I just don't think that we can have another.

No wisdom, only ((HUGS))

BTW, my loss was second pregnancy also.


----------



## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

I wanted to say first how sorry I am am for your loss. DH and I are in a similar situation. I have developed severe early onset PE in 2 pregnancies, one with an emergency cs at 30, the other with a stillbirth at almost 29w, although cause of death was a cord injury. Everywhere I read, there is something to the effect that to truly heal you have to go on to another pg/baby. but at this point,as my dr put it, we have had 2 "traumatic pregnancies" and are gunshy of future experiences. I don't have any answers, just that we are in a similar boat. I always wanted a large family, and it is doubtful that will ever happen. Everyone we know in this situation has also gone on to have other children, mostly soon after. The longer we sit and think about it (dh is currently in Korea for 1 yr so TTC is not an option), the more we are gradually considering not.

Sorry for rambling, I would love to hear others thoughts on this as well.

Carrie


----------



## glh (Nov 19, 2001)

Srain-

I am so sorry for your loss.

When we lost our 3 1/2 month old son we thought we would never have any more children. We already had a three year old ds and we were told that our 2nd son had a genetic disorder. That meant that any future pregnancy had a 1 in 4 chance of the same thing happening again; not very good odds. I had also conceived both my sons while on Pergonal after suffering 3 early miscarriages while on clomid. Needless to say we were devasted by the loss of our son and also by the loss of never having any more children.

It took a long time, but I came to accept the fact that I would have an only child and we enjoyed him to the fullest. Lo and behold I unexpectedly became pregnant when ds1 was 11, nine years after we lost ds2. I was scared to death. The genetics people now said maybe it wasn't genetic after all, ds2 never had a definite diagnosis. That was news to me. The chances of it happening again were either zero or 25%. It was a very anxious time and I had numerous level 2 ultrasounds. Our 3rd son was born healthy, we felt very blessed and incredibly lucky. Three years later, when I was 43, I unexpectedly became pregnant again. Same worries and more because of my age. Our daughter was born 1 month early and healthy.

I really never thought I would have more children after our son died, we weren't even going to try. I don't know how to explain what happened to me, especially after years of infertility. I was very bitter before my youngest two children were born for a very long time. Everyone who so easily had 2 or more children made me jealous. But then I tried really hard to remind myself that I had a healthy son and had the experience of loving our second son. It was hard, hard, hard so I don't have any real words of wisdom, but I was there and I have some idea of the pain you are feeling.

Do I understand correctly that you do have one healthy child? Focus on him as I am sure you already are. I don't know how I would have gotten out of bed in the morning if I hadn't had my oldest child to love and care for, but that was hard in its own way too. Take care of yourself and find someone to talk to about the son you lost-not easy I know, everyone seems to want you to "get over it" so fast.


----------



## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

Thanks, everyone. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am to have one living child, but putting aside the image I had throughout the eight months of my second pregnancy of our family of four is so hard.


----------



## glh (Nov 19, 2001)

Srain, I know-that is why I didn't find support groups or anything else very helpful. Most people do have the option of trying again at some future date. Losing a child and facing the possibility of never having another is a lot to bear, it is more than most people have to face at a young age and you deserve all the support you can get. I don't know how old you are, but I was 30 when our son died. At that age most people have not lost anyone they were really close to and they can't begin to understand what you are going through.


----------



## srain (Nov 26, 2001)

Quote:

_Originally posted by glh_
*I don't know how old you are, but I was 30 when our son died. At that age most people have not lost anyone they were really close to and they can't begin to understand what you are going through.*
Thanks for pointing that out- it's definitely true, and I hadn't thought of it that way before. I'm 27.


----------



## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

srain, glh, I hadn't thought about the age issue in that aspect either. Thank you for pointing that out. One of our biggest sources of support has come from a couple that are both 85 years old. They lost their second child, a little girl, at 18m from a heart defect that was treatable a few years later. They never went on to have any more children, and I have been waiting for the right opportunity to ask them how they dealt with not only the loss of their child, but also watching her struggle for so long (she was sick from birth), and then not having any more children. They have a tremendous amount of faith and do not appear bitter, despite being emotional about it still. The fact that he tears up when he talks about her to me is extremely comforting and touching. They still have the bottle of whiskey that the dr had them give the baby to help her relax; they have carried it around with them through several moves since the 1940's, and the only one to ever have any of it was the baby. Anyway, I am wondering if there are any older people that you know of that may be able to provide support to you?

One of the hardest aspects for me is the finality of my life never being the same, and never being what I imagined it to be. After such a difficult time with my first pg, we really didn't plan on ever having more children. And so we grieved that along with other aspects of his birth and rough start in life. Then we were given the news that the chances of recurrence of PE were not as high as we had been told, and that there was no reason not to try again. And so we did, with a picture perfect pg (no blood pressure problems this time), until she died because her cord twisted, a completely random and 99% fatal accident. And then I developed PE again (but after she had died so it could have been caused by the physical stress of her death and constricted bloodflow in my body from the cord twist and not otherwise have happened but we will nver know for sure), making it almost a certainty for a future pg statistically. So while we may physically be able to get pg (although we had infertility the first time around and lucked up the second), there is a huge morality and ethics issue, as well as a major safety issue for me.

As far as the thoughts of a family, my son has said that we were four, and now we are three. For me, his aknowledgement of my daughter's participation in our lives means a great deal to me. No advice again, just more rambling in the middle of the night.

Carrie


----------

