# My Carter



## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

I lost my son Riley Carter Pittman on june 25th of this year. I was 21 weeks along when I went into labor and of course he was too small to make it. I've been searching for someone who has had a similar exerience as myself. I really need to have someone to talk to. Please answer if you think you could help or would like to listen. Thank you.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

i have no advice for you, just







s ; i do not know what could hurt more than losing a child. the women here are amazing & will have lots of wisdom to share. peace to you mama. riley carter will always be a part of you.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

s

I too have nothing to offer but my condolences. There are some wonderful mothers here who have walked through this and can offer you something more substantial.

i did want to comment on what a beautiful name you chose though.


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

Thanks alot for answering. hugs are always accepted. and thanks for the comment on his name. His daddy picked it out and it seemed so perfect for him. Just having people know that i'm here helps so thanks alot


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## weetzie (May 29, 2003)




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## AbisMom (Feb 9, 2004)

julielp, sweetie, please feel free to post as much of your story here as you feel comfortable. I am so sorry for your loss, and want to offer you many big























The women here are so helpful, and we are always willing to listen. Please feel free to come here as often as you want and share as much as you would like. I am so sorry that you had to find us under these circumstances, but there is so much love and support here, and I hope you are helped along your path. Please take care of yourself.


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## chrfath (Jun 5, 2003)

You are in my thoughts. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

I would really like to share my story so here goes.
I'm 18 yrs old and on march 14 2004 My fiance and I were stunned to see that the test said yes. After that first night of shock we became the most excited people in the world it seemed. He read any and everything he could get his hands on having to do w/ pregnancy and I began my all day morning sickness. My mom allowed him to move in w/ us b/c her husband is in Iraq right now and my b/f wanted to be near me to take care of me and be w/ our baby.
Every doc appoint showed that my baby was perfect. Around the middle May my sickness strarted to let up to were i could enjoy my pregnancy. The first time I felt him kick my whole life changed. I really felt connected to him. I was so ready for him to come i thought i'd explode.
I'm very small so on the night on June 25th when my tummy started hurtting i was told by 2 nurses over the phone that it was just stretching. About an hr later I started to feel the urge to push. My mom and my b/f were w/ me and they didn't know what to do w/ me. My dad called and ambulance while he was on his way to me and my mom called that baby doc that lives a few houses down from us. soon after the paramedics and the doc arrived my water broke. I was the taken to the hospital were my ob had me to push but he came out backwards and my cervix closed back around his neck. (I don't belive that is what killed him tho i belive he had already left us) So i layed there for about 20 min feeling his lil arms against my legs. Then I was put to sleep so they could get him out and do a D&C.
I did get to hold him shortly after I woke up. After that I was given a memory box by the nurses. it had a mold of his foot prints, some notes from the nurses, the card that goes on the cribs, and the bracelet that he would have worn. They also took many pictures of him for me.
I didn't think that something like that could happen after being so far along. The doc told me my cervix couldn't hold his weight and that next time i got pregnate all that had to be done was to put a stitch in my cervix to keep it closed. It has been so hard for me since then. It seems everywhere I go all I see is babies. and i half way blame myself b/c it was my body that failed my baby. It just doesn't seem fair that the first funneral I every attended was my baby's. My b/f is also having a very hard time w/ this and it's hard for him to talk to me about it. The only thing I have to take my mind off of my baby is planning for our wedding (i had to quit my job when i got so sick) but we were planning on having our new lil one as our ring boy so even that brings me pain.
Thanks for listening and I'll take any advice I can get. It helps just to have ppl listen


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## AbisMom (Feb 9, 2004)

Oh honey, my heart is broken for you right now. You are so young to have been through something so horrible. I am glad that you had loved ones with you throughout the process, I just wish that it had a better turn out. Please try not to beat yourself up - I know that sounds so rediculous, but there is no way of discovering an incompetent cervix before hand. There is nothing that you could have done. I am so sorry that you lost your sweet Riley Carter, and I hope that you and your fiance are able to work through your grief together. Allow yourself to feel the way you feel no matter what anyone else says - your grief is your own, and it is so different for every person. I am sending you healing thoughts and many


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

thank you abismom. and that doesn't sound rediculous because everyone here has been beating themselves up. My mom thinks it's her fought b/c she didn't take me to the hospital earlier. My fiance thinks he should have spent more time with us while he was here. Me, I keep going through having moments where i just want to die and not 5 min later i'm laughing and joking. I feel bad for being happy. I also keep getting very angry. My lil sis is 10 and i keep finding myself yelling at her and wanting to throw something at her for things that aren't really important. I've never been like that before and I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone.
I am very lucky to have my family and my fiance. The man at the funeral home said that my fiance was the only young guy that he had ever seen come to this type of service. My fiance's family has also been very supportive, he was their first grandbaby. Thanks again for listening I feel good that I have others to talk to b/c the ppl close to me are going through it too and don't always want to listen to me say the same things over and over. They are trying to deal to and don't need to be reminded of it so often.


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## AbisMom (Feb 9, 2004)

That is why I come here - when I lost my first, I was living overseas so far away from my family, and dh and I could only talk about it so much. Others felt that since it was so early, we should just move on and forget about it. I was devistated, and didn't have anyone to talk to until I found these ladies.

My brother is about nine years younger than I am, and I simply can't imagine dealing with what you are going through at your age with such a young sibling - we fought constantly without any strains like what you are all forced to deal with. You sound like you have such a strong spirit who has been forced to grow up long before her time, and I am relieved to hear that your fiances family is supportive as well - at least that is one less strain in your life right now. I will continue sending you healing vibes, and many























Please come back often.


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

I feel better just reading everyones kind words. my sis has her own forum but talking to the people on there wasn't working b/c I know most of them personaly. I guess sometimes i just need a stranger. It took forever to find this forum and i love it already. To add to my story a lil.... me and mom have never been very close and since her husband went to iraq this past feburary she has leaned on me alot. My getting preg. seemed to bring us together. but now that my lil angel is gone she wants me and my fiance out of the house before her husband gets back from iraq. My dad has offered for us to stay with him but he has already givien me so much i hate to live off him even longer. My fiance is determined to have our wedding on April 9th 2005. So now not only do I have to try to cope with loosing my heart but now i have to worry about trying to find a job so my fiance and I can afford an appartment and at the same time try to also save money for our wedding. It just seems like I finally had a plan and a goal in my life and since my baby was taken my whole life is falling apart. The only thing I have now is my fiance and I hate having to depend on a man. He is trying so hard he is about to start a new job to have extra money and with that income we could get a place but i hate for him to pay all the bills. I wish there was a solution to all this but my town just isn't hireing anywhere. The only place that i would have a chance for a job would be a new store but they havn't even started construction on it yet. Again thanks for letting me ramble on... oh one more ? has anyone ever felt that they were getting over their loss to quickly? or that you weren't thinking about it enough? my mom says it's just my brain dealing with the grief and since im so young it works faster but i think she just trying to make me feel better


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## Ellie'sMom (Aug 10, 2002)

Julie: First








You've been through alot.

I wanted to address what you said about getting over your grief too quickly. I agree with your mom about your brain finding ways to deal with grief, although I don't think this has anything to do with age. People talk about "denial" as though this is always a bad thing, but we simply couldn't survive if we spent every moment grieving. Having some moments of happiness is totally different than never thinking about your pain. The fact that you are here and posting makes it pretty clear that you aren't totally denying that you lost your baby and that you are grieving. Never feel guilty about laughter and joy. You deserve to be happy!

Take care.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Hello Julie,

I am sorry you had to find us here. It is always sad when some one new joins us. I lost my daughter in December, I was 22 weeks pregnant. I don't know if I have any really good advice for you, but as 7 months have passed, I do have some perspective. First there wasn't anything you could have done to prevent this. I want you to hear this and repeat it to yourself often. Blaming yourself is a natural part of grief, but if you spend to long dwelling on the what ifs you will tear yourself apart. I also wanted to address your question about whether you were getting over your grief too fast. It isn't abnormal to go into a sort of state of shock, or numbness, and feel like you have passed your grief. I just don't want you to be suprised if you find that in a few weeks or even a few months your grief swallows you again. I have heard grief described in many ways, but the one that I always found most fitting was that grief is like waves. Imagine it like you are swimming in the Ocean. You can swim and keep your head above water for quite awhile, but then a wave comes and sweeps you under. As you move through your grief you will find that the waves hit you less and less frequently, but they still pull you as deep. 7 months out I find that the waves no longer hit me several times a day like they did at first. After the first few months it was more like once a day or every other day. Then it moved out to a few times a week. Now the waves usually hit in response to outside experiences or important dates. My Ds's b-day is comeing up, I thought he would have his baby sister to celebrate with, but he won't. That is very upsetting for me. Some things that might seem small to others really get to me now. Things like Ds hugging my niece and our upcoming trip to the beach. Everyone experiences their grief differently, some move through faster, some slower. I don't like to say that you will move faster because you are younger, I am not much older than you are, because I don't really think age changes much, and your young age might actually make things harder. People may be more insensitive to your grief because of your age. I am glad that your fiancee is sticking by you and supporting you. In time you will find it easier to talk with him and he will hopefully find it easier to talk with you. Continue to support each other, and speak about your son as much as you are both comfortable with.

I am so sorry you had to find us. I just want you to know that we are all hear to listen.


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## kimmysue2 (Feb 26, 2003)

Julie









Riley Carter had the best mom in the world even if it was for such a short time. Not sure what else I can say. The pain will become less over time but Riley will always be safe in your heart.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kimmysue2*
Riley Carter had the best mom in the world even if it was for such a short time. Not sure what else I can say. The pain will become less over time but Riley will always be safe in your heart.

This is exactly what I was going to type...good thing I read ALL the posts!
Julie you are loved here...please keep coming back...OK?

All my love to you Riley Carter's mama....


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

Thanks again everyone. I guess I feel like I should be consumed by my loss. My doc told me that my hormones would be evening out and that would make me go through the blues a lil and maybe a lil depression. I've been so depressed and mad at myself I guess i thought that me missin him was just depression. The fact that he is gone is far too clear tho so i don't think i'm going through denial. My mom and I have talked about it and i think we are gonna skip Christmas this yr. I had so much planned for Christmas and my baby that I don't even want to celebrate it b/c i know it will just bring up alot of pain. How do you deal with the holidays and nov 5th was his due date, how do i deal with it? thanks everyone for the love


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I lost Arawyn on December 21st, and I didn't get out of the hospital until late in the evening on the 23rd. Her funeral was on Christmas eve. Suffice it to say my Christmas sucked. I hadn't planned on spending Christmas with a new baby, she wasn't due until April 26th, but I had planned on being happy and pregnant. I don't really know how I got through Christmas. I think I was still in shock. I wanted desperately to have as normal a Christmas as possible for Ds, but it was really hard. I don't know what to tell you that will help. I wish I could say it won't be a problem, but that isn't true. I do want to let you know that the anticipation of the event is usually far worse. I was afraid of how I would handle Arawyn's due date, but it really wasn't as hard as I expected. Mother's day was similar. I don't know if skipping Christmas would help or not, it might be nice if you could go away for awhile instead of celebrating, but I know that isn't always a possibility. I believe Gossamer and her husband decided not to celebrate Christmas last year? She may be able to tell you how that worked out.

It seems so unfair to have so many plans and dreams and then have them crushed. Feel free to come here and share as much as you need to.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

julie,
I'm so sorry that you lost Riley Carter!
I'm honored that you chose to share your story with us. Have you looked at any of the books or websites about grief/pregnancy loss that are at the top of this page? You might find them useful to look at as you make your way through this journey.
Hugs to you and your fiance.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Julie,
The holidays are so hard, especially after losing our babies.
A lot of mamas here at MDC, try really hard to connect with a handful of ladies that we feel drawn to. In fact over Mother's Day weekend, a special mama put together a phone tree. We all called eachother and talked as long as we needed to. It was so refreshing to hear anothers story and to feel loved and comforted through such a difficult holiday.
So, all in all...us mamas will be here for you over the holidays and everyday in between.

Lot of love to you


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

Thank you all very much. I only wish that you knew how much you have helped me. Everytime someone askes me how I'm doing I get to tell them that I'm feeling better since I found a group of women who have also lost lil ones. When I first lost him I had women everywhere telling me how they had also lost babies. At that time I really didn't want to hear it, not that I wanted the spotlight but I felt like they were trying to take it from me. On here its very different you all our here to help and give advice. I don't mind reading everyones stories on here. sometimes It helps to know i'm not alone.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

Oh, I so remember how much I hated how people who kept telling me about their losses while I was in the hospital. I had a nurse tell me she lost her son moments after they said Connor was gone...I don't remember this, but I guess I told her off. It's comforting later but not then. I didn't really think about why that was but I like how you put it...felt like they were trying to take it from me.

I have no advice about the holidays because I have no idea how I'm going to get through them myself. The idea of even hanging the number of stockings makes my stomach turn!


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