# She lied about the rape!!



## momfirst (Apr 14, 2006)

A couple of months ago my dd told me that she had been date raped. My gut feeling when she told me this was that she wasn't being honest...but she kept it up and kept insisting that it really happened. So, I believed her and felt like a total @ss for not beliving her to begin with.

I've been trying to find a therapist for her to talk to who can deal with all of this, she also began cutting herself around this same time. Today we had our first "intake" meeting with her new therapist (which went great and I really like this person!). Afterwards we went out for dinner and my daughter tells me that the rape never happened. She willingly had sex, but at some point regretted her decision and told everyone it was rape.

I asked why she lied and she couldn't really say. She said that sometime during the sexual encounter she decided that she didn't want to be doing it...and he should have known from the look on her face.







:

I've talked to her about how much trouble this boy could have gotten into if we had filed a report...and how much trouble she could have been in for lying about it!

I am so disappointed that she would carry on a lie for this long...and just confused as to why in the first place...and wondering how I can move on from this and learn to trust her again...and mostly I am worried about what is going on with her.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Before I had a chance to reply, a bunch of other's came in with what I was going to say and much much more. It's all very wonderful and insightful advice; and certainly worded better than I could have said it.

I hope you and your daughter work this out. Remember, more than ever; she needs your support and understanding. Focus on the good: this didn't get out of control (police, charges, etc); and she did tell you more; so she's not trying to hide it; but rather trying to sort it out with your help.

Good luck.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

for you








for your daughter. To feel so ashamed that she felt she needed to lie.







Please try not to b angry with her.

I am glad that she is recieving help. It sounds like she is in a dark place emotionally right now.








: for you both


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## MidwifeErika (Jun 30, 2005)

I am sorry. How difficult, to be so angry and so hurt for her only to find out that it wasn't true to begin with. I can understand her though as well, finding herself in a position of making a very adult decision (to have sex) and regretting it and feeling overwhelmed.... this probably felt like the easiest way to deal with it on her end... you know, just tell herself and everyone else that it wasn't her choice, that it was against her will. Just remember that she is still a kid and sometimes kids make poor judgments, and this lie was one on her part. I am very glad that she didn't get him or herself into trouble with a false report. This will be a lapse in judgment that will be easier to recover from than that would have been. Just love her and hug her and you both will navigate through all of this together.


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## barefoot mama (Apr 30, 2006)

I just want to give you a different spin on this situation. I have no idea what happened, of course, just something to think about.

What if she really was raped? And then she found out that when she told friends/counselors/teachers/anyone they at best did not believe her and at worst they made her feel like she was to blame. That is enough to make anyone change their story. I was in that situation when I was young and the blaming and negativity and disbelief coming from everyone that I told made me want to crawl in a hole and never come out again. I found myself wishing I had never told. *Maybe* it's like that for her? Again, I surely don't know what happened, but I just wanted to put this out there.


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## mf_colon (Oct 6, 2006)

First off, let me ask- was her father involved in her life? What kind of relationship do they have? I work with at risk teens in counseling on my free time and this is a very important and key question when this type of behavior is exhibited. Basically, the teenage girls have no respect for males or feel resentment towards them so they feel that they do not have to put their feelings before their own.

I am not saying this is the only reason but it is one we look at in counseling usually followed by the home environment.

I would continue with the counseling and hopefully you will see some issues that she might have be confronted and dealt with.

I am sorry if this post comes off as offensive to some but it is late and I am very tired.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Also...maybe she "feels" raped but never said NO therefore doesn't know how to process it.

That happened to me when I was 19. A guy I was dating and I were making out. I had a skirt on. We had been drinking. Before I realized what was happening he was in me. 30 seconds later it was over.









I said nothing. I was saving myself for marriage and was in total shock. He used me to jack off as I sat like a deer in headlights.

I do consider it a rape. He was in his late 20's and knew I was a virgin. I may not have verbalized no but my body language did. Any real man would have known that.


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## BeBe123 (May 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
Also...maybe she "feels" raped but never said NO therefore doesn't know how to process it.

Good point!


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## Mothra (Jun 4, 2002)

Your gut told you initially that she was lying, but you believed her because she is your daughter and that's your job.

Don't try to fix this yourself. She's getting counseling, which is crucial. I think you should just be supportive of her right now and consult with her therapist(s) to figure out how to sort this mess out. You don't want her to feel anger from you right now. People, in general, don't lie for no reason. Something is going on with her. I had a friend in high school tell a similar lie and it was devastating to a lot of people. She just didn't realize what she was doing when she did it.

I hope your daughter gets the help she needs. This sounds like a really tough situation.


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## Jasmyn's Mum (May 24, 2004)

Couldn't read without giving you a







. I agree with pp. I'm sure in her heart, she felt raped. Consequences were not something I knew much about as a teen and it's not an easy stage in life (you couldn't pay me to do it again).

If she is cutting herself, there's something underlying. I'm glad she's going to counselling. I hope you all get the healing that you need.

Be gentle on your dd and yourself, Mama.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Either she lied about the rape when it happened, or she's lying about it now. Either way, she's obviously got some big problems going on, which she IS getting help for. She needs love and support from you, and no judgement about what already happened.

Perhaps you could use some counseling for yourself, to deal with your own feelings about all this?


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

What a tough situation-but I think that you are doing a great job handling it!







There are a lot of moms out there would completely freak out-and you seem to be calm, cool, and collected. That can make all the difference when you are dealing with an adolscent who is having a difficult time-kids that age need a stable adult who will listen to them calmly, and pass as little judgement as possible. I think you have done very well-and your gut did tell you the right thing, and I'd follow it as how to proceed with you daughter. I am glad that she is in counseling, and perhaps family counseling might be a good idea too? Here's why I think so:

When I was 17 years old, I lied about being raped. It was the night I lost my virigninty. I was dating a great guy named James(not my dh), but I had been so sheltered by my parents from the "real world that I lacked the understanding of sex and relationships that most kids that age have. I wanted to have sex, but I was too embarrased to reveal to my more experienced boyfriend that I was a virgin. So, I had sex on a whim with a guy that liked me, but that I wasn't attracted to, but liked the attention from. I didn't know how to tell him no, and it just happened. I lost control of myself, and didn't know how to regain it. I felt like I violated myself, and took it out on him. He stayed the night, and in the morning my boyfriend came over and found him there. The story started leaking out, and so, backed in a corner, and facing the loss of my boyfriend, who I was very in love with, I lied. I said that I had been raped. I lied to my friends, and to my family. I am extremely remorseful and sorry now, and months later after the fact the guilt consumed me and I told my parents and my boyfriend that I had lied and in fact, had sex consensually with this boy. The issues as to why I lied and why I felt the way I did about the situation steemed from years of being sheltered, held away from the world, being made to feel as if I didn't belong, and issues of my own that I did not know how to resolve, nor did my family. I felt unaccepted and judged by my family, even though they wanted nothing more than to love me. It was a very hard time for me. My family wanted counseling for me, which I got, but we also had a family advocate, who did help me some, and recommended family counseling, which I now wish I had received with my family. I'm sorry to derail the thread, but your daughter's story reminded me of my own and I just though I'd share to a prospective from someone who has experienced something along similar lines. I do think that you are doing the right thing, and do think you and your daughter will pull through this. Stay strong, and follow your gut.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

angelpie-







I can so relate.

I have felt the exact same way she did. when I was about 18, I had just broken up with a very serious boyfriend who I'd loved very intensely, and I started casually seeing this guy a few times. Then one night things got suddenly carried away and we *almost* had sex- I told him to stop right before (and I mean, RIGHT before) we did- it was very weird and strange for a moment and I thought he was considering raping me. I was alone in a house in a rural community. He didn't- but he did stop and then sort of pretendingly pull me off the bed and onto the floor a little too rough- I was scared. And it was a bad vibe. he said "I feel like I just did something bad to someone's daughter."

I wasn't raped- but I felt violated, and I felt like I had come damn close to being raped. Later that night I was drinking, and called one of my best guy friends, and started crying, and he sort of guessed something similar had happened- the bad part was, my ex was over his house at the time, and ended up coming over, and i slept with him...

God my relationship with him was so screwed up







I'll just stop there before I start telling things I haven't even told my best friend or DH!!! but, I think the cutting is very worrisome, and hope the counselor is a good one, I had such useless therapists/psychiatrists as a teenager.







just be there for her and try not to judge and that's the most important thing you can do- I didn't have a caring mom and it would've made a huge difference.


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## momfirst (Apr 14, 2006)

To answer some of the questions. My dd is 18 (but is mentally impared). Although my gut instinct didn't believe her story at first, I eventually (quickly) did. All but 2 of her friends also believed her from the start. Her dad has been in and out of her life. She would love for her dad to be in her life more, but he doesn't see the need to be. I'm not angry at her, I am disappointed (about the lying, not the sex). While the counseling is mainly for her, they have asked me to be part of it to begin with and then when needed after that (so, mostly her, but also family...I asked her dad if he would come and he said no). The cutting stopped when she said she had been raped (so from the "incident till the story" not a very long time...about a month)

I know that there are some issues that need to be addressed...I'm feeling like a failure and that I've let her down.


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momfirst* 
Her dad has been in and out of her life. She would love for her dad to be in her life more, but he doesn't see the need to be....I asked her dad if he would come and he said no....









...







...







...







...









Quote:


Originally Posted by *momfirst* 
...I'm feeling like a failure and that I've let her down.


*You didn't fail her...her 'father' did.*
















:

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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

.

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## momfirst (Apr 14, 2006)

I also wanted to thank those of you who shared your stories. I know it must be hard for you to relive some of those times, so I appreciate your willingness to open up and share.


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## momfirst (Apr 14, 2006)

DD also stated that she thought she would get in trouble by having sex with her then boyfriend because she was 18 and he was 17. So, I think she thought by placing the blame on him...she wouldn't get in trouble (strange how her mine can work).

Anyway, I am thankful that she has started therapy.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Honestly...I see how she would think that.









I wish her sperm donor would step up to the plate. Is there another male influence in her life that could be of assistance?








You are doing a great job.

I too think it is sweet so many mamas shared their personal stories.







:


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## JuJuBees (Nov 10, 2006)

i wanted to respond to this because it hits home.

when i was 15 i was raped by my best friends brother. he came home for college locked me in his room and told me that it would be over fast and to not make any noise. i didn't.

i never said no. i never said yes. i was just afraid and did what he said.

at first i told people what happened, and although they "believed" me their eyes said differently. i was lying to most people, because i had been drinking, i left that part out. i had felt attracted to him, i left that part out. so, maybe they thought i was lying about the whole thing.

anyway, later i took it back and said that i lied about the actual rape and that i really wanted to have sex with him. i was so tired of people looking at me funny, treating me differently, and feeling sorry for me. and i actually started questioning myslef.

now, after many years and lots of couseling i know that i was raped. i didn't want to have sex with him. even though i didn't say no and put up no resistance, it was rape. sometimes its hard for a girl.

hang in there momma.. your dd needs you most now. she may not really be lying afterall.


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## cjanelles (Oct 22, 2005)

Good luck to you and your daughter in working through this challenging time.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momfirst* 
To answer some of the questions. My dd is 18 (but is mentally impared). Although my gut instinct didn't believe her story at first, I eventually (quickly) did. All but 2 of her friends also believed her from the start. Her dad has been in and out of her life. She would love for her dad to be in her life more, but he doesn't see the need to be. I'm not angry at her, I am disappointed (about the lying, not the sex). While the counseling is mainly for her, they have asked me to be part of it to begin with and then when needed after that (so, mostly her, but also family...I asked her dad if he would come and he said no). The cutting stopped when she said she had been raped (so from the "incident till the story" not a very long time...about a month)

I know that there are some issues that need to be addressed...I'm feeling like a failure and that I've let her down.


Don't feel like a failure.....could it be that she was ussing the cutting to get attention.....then "the rape"?


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## momfirst (Apr 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
could it be that she was ussing the cutting to get attention.....then "the rape"?

I think the cutting was because she had sex and felt guilty (not sure if that's the right word) just meaning that she got into a situation that she wasn't comfortable with. Once she told about the 'rape' she stopped cutting. Now that she's fessed up about lying about the rape, a lot of other behaviors have stopped as well. Now that things are out in the open she is back to herself....I think it was really hard on her to keep up a charade.

However, she is a drama queen...

I do think that she is having a difficult time right now dealing with turning 18, figuring out what our roles are now and coming to terms and understanding that she has special needs (more now than ever, her abilities are coming to the forfront...and it is a bit hard to take at times)


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## justsducky (Oct 17, 2006)

Big group hugs to all here who shared their story and to momma for getting her daughter the help she needs to become whole. I'm amazed at how teenage minds work when it comes to self-mutilation. Having helped several friends through burning and cutting and getting myself through bulemia, I can honestly say there is no rhyme or reason -- just don't judge quickly and don't give up. Eventually it all sorts itself out.

*hugs*
Lisa


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

momfirst - thank you so much for coming here to ask for help, and for believing your daughter anyway, and for getting her into counseling.

I'm a special education teacher, so one of the first thoughts that comes to mind is what her transition plan is like - assuming that she's had an IEP and been in special ed. Has she graduated from high school yet or will she be in for a few more years? Does she have an education plan for what to do now? Does she have mentors and advisors that she likes within the school system or a school psychologist she's worked with before? Not that any of this replaces therapy but I can imagine that this transition time in life can be very uncertain and she might feel out of control of her life in general, as all 18 yos would, but even more so given her special needs. So having more stability in other areas of life might help her with the emotional aspect of it. Especially given her father's in-out relationship with her.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Do you think the fact that she is mentally impaired played a part in the sexual encounter to begin with? That she WAS taken advantage of?

I agree with the pps . . .maybe she still feels like it was rape, even though a court might not agree. Many, many







to both of you. I am so glad she is getting support, and I hope you get some for yourself, too.


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## ChristieB (Jun 17, 2003)

I'm very glad you getting counselling for her. "Date rape" can be very confusing, for _anyone_. I was raped when I was 21, a college graduate, and it was very confusing for me. I didn't actually think it was rape until about a month later (I called a rape crisis hotline and described the event and asked if it could have been rape -- thank goodness for anonymity). It took a lot of counselling to get it all squared away in my mind (as much as that sort of thing can be "squared away"). Given your daughter's age and mental abilities, I would say that you should be prepared for anything, and maybe changing stories and/or perspectives from your daughter. Just be patient with her and let her know that whatever she has to go through to sort it out is OK. I doubt that she's trying to be deceptive. It seems to me that she's just trying to sort things out for herself. Whatever happened, it was obviously very emotionally difficult for her. I'm so glad she has your support! Hang in there.









Christie


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## momfirst (Apr 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PikkuMyy* 
momfirst - thank you so much for coming here to ask for help, and for believing your daughter anyway, and for getting her into counseling.

I'm a special education teacher, so one of the first thoughts that comes to mind is what her transition plan is like - assuming that she's had an IEP and been in special ed. Has she graduated from high school yet or will she be in for a few more years? Does she have an education plan for what to do now? Does she have mentors and advisors that she likes within the school system or a school psychologist she's worked with before? Not that any of this replaces therapy but I can imagine that this transition time in life can be very uncertain and she might feel out of control of her life in general, as all 18 yos would, but even more so given her special needs. So having more stability in other areas of life might help her with the emotional aspect of it. Especially given her father's in-out relationship with her.

Yeah! You get it!!! *as all 18 yos would, but even more so given her special needs.* DD walked with her class, but won't recieve her diploma till she meets the goals set for her grad plan (in a Transition school). Yes, she has an IEP and has been in special ed since age 18 months (even before she came to live with me). Besides her new therapist (who we both really like), she is close to her school social worker and school psychologist as well as her advisor. She also still visits with her social worker from the high school. We are very close as well...so she has a pretty good support system...then of course she has her friends. Both of us are having a difficult time with all the changes that are going on (turning 18, wanting independance, but still being so dependant on me). Counseling is going to work with the two of us as well and help us to know where our boundries are moving to.


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