# Difficult neighborhood situation. WWYD?



## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

If this is in the wrong forum, please redirect it. But I really need others' judgments and wisdom on this.

I live in a condo complex where neighbors all live close to one another. Thus we can see and hear what goes on with other people without really trying. One of our neighbors has a two year old girl. I often get the impression that they find parenting a bit stressful, they lose their temper with her sometimes, have said to me she can be 'bad', etc... They also drink excessively and do other drugs (not sure what), which I think exacerbates the problem. (Please don't think I'm being nosy, we live in VERY close quarters and I can see and hear them drinking with no effort on my part.) I've tried to remain very friendly with them, talking about the ups and downs of parenting with them, and expressing appreciation for their daughter.

But what really concerns me is this: on several occasions their daughter has been outside the house unsupervised for several minutes at a time. It has never gone on longer than several minutes only because a neighbor has seen her and brought her home. It appears that she has just walked outside the house without Mom noticing (it's always been Mom home at these times). Each time a neighbor has brought the girl back to the house, and a couple of times it has taken the mom several minutes to answer the door. Twice, the girl has been outside, unsupervised, completely naked. On one of the occasions, a neighbor overheard the mom talking about getting high with a visitor moments before the girl appeared outside. (Neighbor had the impression mom was inside getting high with the friend while the daughter wandered around outside.) By no stretch of the imagination do we live in a safe neighborhood. Yes, our neighbors all look out for the girl, but there is no front yard- the front door opens into a parking lot, and there is a river behind the complex. And several registered sex offenders live in the neighborhood. The girl just turned two.

The first two times I was concerned; we talked with them about the time our own daughter walked out the front door and how we installed a latch so she couldn't do it again. Now, after the third and fourth call, I am wondering if a call to CPS is in order. But, my judgment is clouded because despite their limitations as parents, I like these people. I don't want to alienate the parents, as that might make things worse. Ideally I wish someone, CPS, grandma, SOMEONE could support them in becoming more responsible parents because I know they do love their daughter. But I also am very worried about the girl's safety.

Suggestions, advice?


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

I would call CPS. The excessive drinking and drugs alone would do it for me.


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## DahliaRW (Apr 16, 2005)

Yup, I would call -but more about how the illegal drugs and drinking are endangering the child. My mom lived with alcoholic, negligent parents for 6 years before being taken from them. She has very little good to say about those years, so I feel very strongly that parental behaviors like that are NOT ok.


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## Deefodil (May 25, 2009)

I am not normally a call-CPS sort of a person, But I might have to say to do it.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

Thank you. My heart sank with every response, not because I didn't agree with them, but because I did. I think I've known I need to call, but really do not want to. I have never called CPS on a neighbor before, the whole situation just feels so sad.


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## DahliaRW (Apr 16, 2005)

*hugs*


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## Ironica (Sep 11, 2005)

For the most part, CPS is all about getting families the help they need to stay together and healthy. As with any profession, there are social workers who are less than useful, but most are there to help.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

Thanks, Ironica, this is very hheartening to know.


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## SuzyLee (Jan 18, 2008)

Another option would be to go over and install a higher up lock for them. Yes, a CPS call might be in order for drinking/drugs reasons, but if they are not handy people, they might *know* they should install a lock, but lack the funds/skills to get it done.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Without any of the drinking/drugs info, I would probably assume that the little girl is an escape artist and try to be helpful through this phase with them. After all, taking a minute to answer the door could mean finishing in the toilet, YK?

But if you think that she is getting out because she is unsupervised and/or because they are deliberately putting her out so they can get high, then its a different story. I'm still not sure it would be CPS-worthy in and of itself, but I'd probably keep my eyes and ears open for other issues.


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## justKate (Jun 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evan&Anna's_Mom* 
Without any of the drinking/drugs info, I would probably assume that the little girl is an escape artist and try to be helpful through this phase with them. After all, taking a minute to answer the door could mean finishing in the toilet, YK?

But if you think that she is getting out because she is unsupervised and/or because they are deliberately putting her out so they can get high, then its a different story. I'm still not sure it would be CPS-worthy in and of itself, but I'd probably keep my eyes and ears open for other issues.









:

If you feel like you're judging their parenting too harshly by calling CPS, you could always call the police instead. That's a tough situation, but the fact that you're considering taking some action is probably enough proof that _something_ needs to be done.


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## Ironica (Sep 11, 2005)

Around here, if you call the police because of suspected abuse or neglect of a child, they just send the report to CPS (unless there seems to be a crime in progress and sending an officer immediately may help).


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## ScarletBegonias (Aug 24, 2005)

please don't flame me for this.

here goes:

half the time kids go to cps and are rehomed, they end up getting abused in worst ways than the homes they were taken from.

in this case, maybe you could even buy them a doorknob thing to prevent the little girl from getting out.

you say you're in close quarters and from what you've described it sounds like maybe they drink, probably smoke bud and don't pay attention. they're not beating her or screaming constantly.

parenting can be extremely overwhelming. maybe just getting them a childproofing doorknob cover for their front door would at least keep the child from going in the street, drowning in the river or getting abducted.

i personally would never, ever call cps unless there was sexual, physical or EXTREME emotional abuse going on.

*over the years, i've had many schoolmates and friends who were rehomed through cps. half ended up in a better situation and half ended up in waaaay more abusive situations than they were removed from. and it was usually sexual abuse.

*


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

Thanks, ScarletBegonias, what you wrote is very helpful. When I weigh the consequences of calling versus not calling it seems there are negative consequences of calling. While I think it is extremely unlikely the girl would be removed from the home - unless things are going on that I don't know about - it would make the family a bit more paranoid about the neighbors, which would make it harder for us to offer the everyday moral support so many parents need.

I think for now I'm going to continue to be friendly and aware, and give them a doorknob cover. I have no illusions that will make everything A-OK; if they lose track of her for many minutes at a time, all sorts of things could happen in or outside the house. But I'm thinking that if a CPS visit alienates them from the neighbors, we'll have much less ability to support this little girl.


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## ScarletBegonias (Aug 24, 2005)

cool, i'm glad it was helpful!









if you can , please let us know how it goes. they really do sound like decent people, life is tough and sometimes it just breaks you down.

i'm sure the last thing this family needs is more hard times. it sounds like they really need (and appreciate!) your caring and very thoughtful support, mama.


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## Julia24 (Jun 28, 2004)

late on this, but I would definitely just be a little more forward with your 'assistance'. Like OP have suggested, BRING over the stuff they need to and say again how worried you are when she is out unsupervised. I'd shoot from the cuff with this one - mention the river AND the parking lot and how little she is. People might not see her and it could be tragic. Maybe even (if you're comfortable with this - you'd have to accept knowing you might get taken advantage of) offer to watch her occassionally if Mom needs a moment to herself. I know I offer to watch neighbors kids and then just never take them up on the return offer when it's people I don't trust :Lol

I also try to just model good parenting to their kids in front of these people. Most of the time I BELIEVE they love their kids, they just honestly don't know better.


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## laurelg (Nov 27, 2007)

I was going to post *exactly* what Julia24 said.

I do think the little girl is in a dangerous situation, but I think it's a danger that can likely be mitigated with a little bit of help from her community. I worry about where she might end up if CPS gets involved.

I *would* call CPS if you feel like you have exhausted your ability to help, but it doesn't sound like you're there, yet.


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## keljo05 (Dec 9, 2006)

I can try to find it if you like, but our local paper had a story that might work with them. A 3 year old girl was good at getting out of the house. She did so one night after previously getting out and was not discovered missing till morning. Sadly it was winter and after a storm. the little girl fell asleep in a snow bank and never woke up.

we live on a very busy road and have had the doornob protector on since DS started crawling. DH used to give me a hard time because it's a pain to open sometimes, but that story stopped that.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Hey OP, have you done anything yet? Talked to the neighbors? Called CPS?


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

Update... this is ending about as well as anyone could hope for-

I didn't do anything for a long time, but just a few days ago I saw the girl walk out the front door. I walked up to the door and her mom came right away. She said, 'I was just in the bathroom', and appeared sober and friendly. I mentioned our latch again and she showed me her latch, saying they just put it in, and that she realizes she'll have to leave it done up all the time. The tone was very friendly, acknowledging the need to stay one step ahead of these crafty two year olds, and that we're both in the same boat.

I haven't seen the girl wandering around since then.... not have I heard any partying (they used to wake us up at night, so the lack of partying is great from so many perspectives).


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