# Caring for aging parents .... vent and support thread.



## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

Is anyone else taking care of your parents or in-laws as they age? I can't be the only one! It is so stressful for my family .... so I am going to try to vent here instead of bickering with my hubby!

We are in the horrible stage where it is clearly time for us to be taking over some things (most things) ... but FIL has moments of clarity where he resents the help, resents the loss of abilities/independence, and throws a yelling/cussing tantrum (in front of my 3yo).

We think he may have early alzheimers (??) ... lapses in judgement, short term memory loss, hoarding, angry outbursts, etc. The house is dirty and falling apart, and he is on the waiting list for a nice Independent Living apt 1/2 mile from our house. Boy, does that pi$$ him off! He will be SO much happier there, and less lonely, but he is of course sad about leaving the home where he lived with his wife for 30 years.

Oh how I long for the days when I could just complain about him bringing white bread to my house.... and then encouraging my kids to eat 3 pieces before dinner!

Tell me about what you are dealing with and what you have learned.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

I'm in. My dad is 85, but he and my step mother have chosen to live in FL, when all of their family are in the Northeast, so I have no idea how that will play out. Fortunately, there are no issues yet.

The ILs are another story. Dh has three older brothers B1, B2, B3). Dh and one brother are nearby, and we are the closest geographically, with B1 about 20 minutes away. His two other brothers are each about a four hour drive. The ILs are adamant about remaining in their home until they are carried out in a box.

FIL is 88, with early stage Alzheimers. MIL is 85, and in quite good health and very sharp, but next week she has to have surgery to remove a quite large patch of basal cell skin cancer, and the doc told her she would be on bedrest for two weeks.

What makes me nuts are the brothers. FIL was a physician. B1 is a family practice doc and B2 is a dermatologist. They both have the stereotypical physician god complex. They assume that they know what is going on medically with the parents, and also that they always know what's best. They've always been unbearably smug, but for most things I've just tuned out. Now they are making me crazy.

They are clueless and in denial. For the longest time, we knew that FIL was developing some type of dementia, but the doctor brothers didn't want to hear about it. We have, by far, more day to day involvement with the parents, but the BILs always know best. They'll make a big to do about providing us with obvious information, which just makes me want to scream. BIL2 called to tell us how much time his wife had put in finding out about services available to seniors through the town, and wanting praise. Well, that's nice, but we live in the town and had been aware of those services for many years.

After MILs surgery, she is supposed to be on bedrest for two weeks. Both dh and I work full time out of the house. The first week is fortunately school vacation, and dh is a teacher, so he will take care of her. I will take off the second week. None of the other brothers or their wives have offered to do a thing, I'm sure because they think their work is more important than ours. They are going to be in for a surprise the next time something like this happens.

Anyway, as you can probably tell, this is annoying me to no end. I do love my ILs, but the BILs make my head explode. Sorry for venting!


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

I'm learning quite a bit. I'm the youngest of 4, and I live the closest. My dad is 87 years old and on his own for the most part. Mom died 4 years ago. Dad's as clear-headed as ever but physically is very fragile and unsteady on his feet. He uses a walker now. He has osteoporosis and already suffered a compression fracture of his spine. Just for scope, he used to be 6 feet tall, but he's probably 5'6" now. I'm afraid if he fell down he'd shatter into a thousand pieces.

He also isn't very independent. Mom always took care of the bills and knew how to do things. Dad just doesn't know how to do these life skill things. Thank goodness he enjoys cooking.

So about six months ago the siblings and I took a look at his finances and decided he could afford a care giver. I cannot recommend this enough. The gal we hired comes 3 times a week for 3 hours. Dad was having problems showering safely, and she helps him shower. She takes him shopping, cleans house, does laundry, picks oranges from his trees, makes meals. We got him set up with a life alert service so he wears an alert button on a strap under his shirt.

I do all the above stuff for him as well, except for bathing him. The bathing was one of the deciding factors when we wondered how to help him. He has incontinence issues, was afraid to shower, and he was starting to smell like pee. And I reeaaally don't want to help my dad shower, and I'm sure he didn't want his daughter's help either.

Anyway, I'm really getting to know my dad better. My mom was a pretty overwhelming presence, Dad was always content to stay in her shadow. But interacting with him now I'm learning just what was Mom's influence and what was Dad's influence. Mom picked on Dad a lot and I bitterly resented it. It was poisonous to live with. But without Mom there, interacting with Dad directly more than I ever have I'm realizing... he is a pill. Dare I say it, my dad is behaves like a butt-head sometimes. He's so narrow-minded and judgmental.

And I'm realizing that this sense of judgement that followed me around like a monkey on my back for the first 30 years of my life.. it wasn't from my mom exactly. A lot of it was from my dad! He really is unreasonable and irrational.

So I'm recognizing this in myself and my son! Yikes!







I'm having a much better understanding just how hard to live with I must be. So I'm trying to change my ways.

It is also really nice to get to know my dad away from my mom. He's funny and a good guy.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

I went through this a couple of months ago. I will be back....


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

My fil died in the fall. We are moving to a new place with my mil in 2 weeks. She is very independent right now but I know this move means that we will ultimately be the ones taking care of her. I am nervous about the move but in many ways there are benefits both ways.

Fortunately my parents are MUCH younger (ds' parents were late having children while mine were teens) & by the time either of them need any care mil will not be around (not trying to be grim but with the age difference it's just a fact).


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

My parents are very young so many years before we have to worry about this with them. Thank goodness. My IL's are older (same age as my grandparents!), quite toxic and moved a couple years ago cross country to BIL's town so it will no longer be our problem when things start to happen.







Which as bad as it sounds, is very good. We hadn't spoken to them in years but felt like we were just waiting for the call that FIL died and suddenly MIL needed so much. To say it would of been unpleasant would of been an understatement.

Since the IL's weren't always the nicest family growing up, DH really bonded with a single neighbor. The neighbor did more with him then his own parents ever did and the neighbor A, is more family then DH's real family. He has been going downhill for a few years now mentally, has no family, and very few friends. We supported him for a couple years, DH owns a small business so we paid him to do a few small tasks. It became apparent early last year that it couldn't continue. We got him into low income senior housing, he "retired", and a month later suffered the first in a serious of heart attacks. It was months of him in and out of hospitals, ICU, nursing home, several surgeries. It was so draining and taxing on us. Since I am an RN, I took care of most things. His dementia suddenly went very acute, he didn't know where he was, what was going on, he was calling me 20 times a day, all night long, falling constantly. They would discharge him home alone where he would last days and end up back in the hospital despite everything I would do. It was so hard. We have 3 small children, I had to withdraw from my grad program. I would spend all day on the phone fighting with everyone trying to get him more/better care.

He did mostly recover, it is actually amazing considering we did pull life support at one time. He is at home, he isn't very strong but does fine. His doc cleared him to drive which means he is all over the place behind the wheel, I've tried and tried, nothing I can do about it. I hope daily he doesn't kill someone. He doesn't always make the best decisions but is safe to live alone again for now. For now is the key word, this won't last forever, and I have no idea what we will do when he starts to decline again. He can not live with us, has no money, no insurance, no one else to help. I happen to work in public health so I know the resources around my area but sadly, due to budget cuts and issues, are rapidly having to decrease services to people like him. Even when he did qualify, it was minimal, and I still had to provide so much assistance.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

My father died a few months ago.

He battled a chronic health condition for some time but overall did just fine on his own. As he declined, it was so frustrating because he flat out refused to follow any of the advice from his doctors and actually did things that made his condition worse. I have no doubt there were very real mental issues at work, issues that were always present but magnified by age. Several of his doctors tried to get him to see mental health professionals but he refused. There were doctors that refused to treat him anymore because of his behavior. It was a mess.

When the doctors finally said there was nothing more they could do, he accepted that the end was near. He absolutely refused to allow anyone to come to help him but he could no longer care for himself. He insisited all along that he would not go to a nursing home and threatened to kill himself if it came to that. It was really awful.

Then I was very surprised to learn that years ago, he had given my step brother some sort of legal right over his affairs (I don't remember the exact legal term) and this turned out to be a blessing. When he really started to go downhill, my step brother gave him a choice, get someone in this house to take care of you or I will have you admitted to a nursing home. I know my step brother would have followed through with it and so did my dad. I think in a way, it was a relief to him. We made arrangements for visiting nurses and hospice. He behaved horribly to the social worker and some of the nurses but as one told me "I have dealt with worse patients."

In the end, he was at home as he wished.

Through the process, my head spun. Over the course of his life, my dad managed to run off or cut off so many people. I was just overwhelmed with sadness knowing that his choices and behaviors put him in a situation where he was so alone. (my parents had divorced years earlier.) Mentally, things declined fast and that was another sort of grief to see as he was always so sharp, so on top of things - to a fault - and at the end he was confused and unable to cope.

My step brother lives hours away and from the beginning of the end, my dad was crystal clear that he didn't want either of us as his care giver. Him moving in with either of us was never entertained. I guess we (step-bro and I) were fortunate that we never had to argue or fight about who was going to do what.


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## SuburbanHippie (Aug 29, 2008)

Subbing! I have much, much more to share on this topic!


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Peony* He did mostly recover, it is actually amazing considering we did pull life support at one time. He is at home, he isn't very strong but does fine. His doc cleared him to drive which means he is all over the place behind the wheel, I've tried and tried, nothing I can do about it. I hope daily he doesn't kill someone.


Ugh! This is a surprisingly tough issue. My dad voluntarily gave up his license just 3 months ago. But he was very reluctant, as you can imagine. I think it was a blow to his self esteem. I feel badly for him, and it means I drive him around more. But seriously, he was not fit to drive.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Caneel*
> It was really awful.


Hugs to you. That's really tough.


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## Sol_y_Paz (Feb 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *HappyMommy2*
> 
> Oh how I long for the days when I could just complain about him bringing white bread to my house.... and then encouraging my kids to eat 3 pieces before dinner!
> 
> Tell me about what you are dealing with and what you have learned.


This statement stood out at me, it really puts things in perspective. I have lost many I loved in the past year (4 now to be exact, 2 of which required a considerable amount of care during an prolonged illness) and do I ever long for the days when those little minor annoyances were part of my life instead of what has now become. I think it is important that people don't lose sight of how fleeting all these moments in our live really are and how nothing is forever. The thing I have learned is that when I look around it is as if so many people focus on stuff that doesn't mean really anything in the long run and lose sight along the way of the things that mean the most, which aren't things at all.


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## SuburbanHippie (Aug 29, 2008)

My mother is only 59, but my grandma is 90 and, quite frankly, senile. I had a thread about her last year on H&H I think because I was trying to get her into a nursing home. She lives alone and was a hoarder for many years. She has food from the 80's and 90's in her house and will threaten you if you try to remove it. She's convinced a mythical neighbor is breaking into her house and moving things. Oh, he also breaks things and then fixes them incorrectly as well. How typical of a thief, right? She used to blame these things on my uncle, but once he moved across the country she had to find someone else as the scapegoat. It's annoying. She's called the police over this and they have told her that she is believing false things, which she says is age discrimination. *sigh*

She has been seen by a doctor for her mental capability before and while he admitted that she was starting to show signs of dementia he also said there's nothing he can do about it. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and he can't force her. So we have to just deal with listening to her drone on and on about this fictional thief. It wouldn't be as bad I think if she had something to do like watch tv (won't pay for it), listen to the radio (she won't buy one or use one you bring over), or had some actual friends (like she could have at a nursing home). I'm afraid she's going to accidentally leave the stove on or something one day and kill herself. She recently left a burner on and scorched the heck out of a pan. She claims the thief did it. Ugh.

I actually stopped speaking to her last summer. She gave me and my sister money so we wouldn't have to take out student loans for college this year. She wrote out the check herself, but then messed up on it and made my sister rewrite it. I should have known better than to take money from a senile person when she offered it, but she has given my cousin several hundred thousand dollars for med school so I figured that it would be okay. Ha! No. She forgot about the money and when she got her bank statement she threatened to call the police on me for stealing. When I pointed out the voided check that she wrote herself she told me I was playing a trick on her. Whatever. No piddly student loan money was worth it to have to deal with this crap. I gave up trying to connect with her because she called me a thief any chance she could. She also was convinced I wasn't going to school despite me giving her a letter saying I was on the Dean's List.

I'm scared this is going to be inherited. My mother is already starting to show signs of paranoia like my grandma did at that age. It scares me to think that I'm going to have to deal with this again in another decade or two. Then what if *I* end up like this. I don't want to burden my poor children with my lack of sanity. It seems so cruel.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

My mom is 84, she'll be 85 at the end of May. She was living in a senior apartment in Virginia until recently, when she fell down in the middle of the night and forgot that she had the Lifeline button. So she lay on the floor and yelled for an hour until someone woke up and call the ambulance. After that, she moved right in with my sister in NC. It was rather abrupt, and it seemed to cause her some issues with forgetting things. About 5 years ago, she fell in a restaurant and couldn't go to work, so she ended up losing her job, and she felt really vulnerable, so she abruptly decided to move to Texas with one of her sons. It was all rather sudden, and she didn't get along with my SIL at all. She used to call me crying. She came here for 6 weeks, went back to TX, and then decided to move back to VA.

She was adjusting OK, finally, and had a caregiver went in once a week or so. And then she lost her balance and fell, and moved to NC. That was only about a month ago, but she's gone way downhill. My sister said she just can't take care of her. She can't get her to the toilet, if she helps her in, my mom can't figure out where to sit. She is hallucinating, talking to people who aren't there, and has become paranoid. She was crying, complaining about stomach pain, so they actually took her seriously and did a CT scan, and it turns out she has a mass on her kidney and has two types of cancer there, plus a cyst on her ovary. The doctor said that they would normally operate and remove the kidney, but we're not sure what's going to happen now because she's also been diagnosed with Dementia with Lewy Bodies. So we don't know what's going to happen at this point, other than she probably won't be going back to my sister's house, and she'll die in a "strange" place. Sigh.


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## syn_ack89 (Oct 1, 2007)

I think we should have a section on mothering about this. A LOT of people have care of children and parents. I vote we call the section Multi-Generational and put it under Parenting.

My story - my MIL lived with us for almost 3 yrs. She had a stroke in 1997 and had short-term memory loss and emotional control issues. She is fine physically. She moved into assisted living when my DH's company transferred us overseas. We invited her to go with us, but I am glad she decided to stay in the USA.

When caring for aging parents I think you need to know what you are and are not willing to do. Some people are willing to help with showers and bathroom, others are not. You also need to think about how your house is set up...flights of stairs are problematic. It's also something to be aware of if you are a DIL taking care of your MIL - you need to get appropriate power of attorney etc because if you are handling things you need to be able to make decisions without waiting for her child.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

My mother has lived with us for 5 years and I'm her sole caretaker. My siblings will do nothing to help. In fact, a couple of years ago I asked my sister who lives closest to let mom come visit for a couple of weeks as I simply needed a break. Her reply was, "Well, I suppose, but you owe me big-time!". Ugh! She brought my mom back after a week because she was "cramping her style". Needless to say, I don't hold my sister in high regard.

My mother is in her 70's and has COPD and emphysema as her main problems. I take her to doctor appointments, am there at the hospital when she comes down with bronchitis, do her laundry, cook her meals, help her in the shower, keep tabs on her oxygen and meds and basically just take care of everything. She does take care of her own "bathroom needs". Mom is the most negative, cranky, and surly person on the planet. The other day she wanted macaroni and cheese for dinner. (I don't cook from boxes, so of course it was from scratch). Well, it wasn't good enough. She wanted bread with it. It told her that she already had a carb/starch with the noodles and she shouldn't eat bread (she also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and atherosclerosis) and perhaps I could cut her a fruit/vegetable. Her reply was to yell at me, "I WANT BREAD!" These types of things are day in and day out and yes, it gets exhausting. I only wish we could send her to a nursing home. She originally moved in, not because of health problems, but because she was broke. There is NO money for a nursing home (and we're not sacrificing what we have accumulated to send her to one!) I had partially supported her financially for the 15 years prior to her moving in, and we just couldn't do it anymore, as dd was entering school. I would drive down every week and mow her lawn, buy her groceries, give her money, etc. She lived 80 miles away. Did I mention that my sisters don't help at all? Yeah, I'll repeat that. It's one of the reasons I have an only child.

What have I learned? If you have ailing/aging parents and you have siblings, don't make them do it all. Help them even if they are willing to let the parent live at their house. Even if you live a thousand miles away, find a way to help them care for your parent. And if you are potentially going to be the sole caregiver and you have siblings... get an agreement in writing with them that they will do their part.

It's hell when it's one person doing it all. It makes one bitter. Very bitter.

One other thing... establish boundaries IN WRITING before you have a parent move in with you. Lines get blurred and before you know it, you're home is no longer your own.

ETA: if your parents are still not living with you, and you can care for them outside of your own home, do what you can to continue this. I cannot even begin to express how things change when they live WITH you. I thought things were bad when I had to drive to help my mom. It's NOTHING compared to having them live with you. Nothing.

Learn from my mistakes, 'cause it's too late for me.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *syn_ack89*
> 
> I think we should have a section on mothering about this. A LOT of people have care of children and parents. I vote we call the section Multi-Generational and put it under Parenting.


Yes!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *syn_ack89*
> 
> When caring for aging parents I think you need to know what you are and are not willing to do. Some people are willing to help with showers and bathroom, others are not. You also need to think about how your house is set up...flights of stairs are problematic. It's also something to be aware of if you are a DIL taking care of your MIL - you need to get appropriate power of attorney etc because if you are handling things you need to be able to make decisions without waiting for her child.


Excellent advice on both points.


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## SuburbanHippie (Aug 29, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *velochic*
> 
> My mother has lived with us for 5 years and I'm her sole caretaker. My siblings will do nothing to help. In fact, a couple of years ago I asked my sister who lives closest to let mom come visit for a couple of weeks as I simply needed a break. Her reply was, "Well, I suppose, but you owe me big-time!". Ugh! She brought my mom back after a week because she was "cramping her style". Needless to say, I don't hold my sister in high regard.
> 
> ...


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## tinybutterfly (May 31, 2004)

I haven't read all the replies, but you are not alone.

I am sort of taking care of my mother. She has moved down here again. She is 75 and has some health issues.

There is a very bumpy history ( my dad finished raising us after she left after my parents divorce) and I have had to put good, firm boundaries in place that other people looking in may not understand.

I take her once a week to the laundrymat to do her laundry. I drop her off and pick her up. Then I take her to run her other errands. I stay in the car, while she does her thing. I take her to doctor's appointments when necessary. I call her once a week to check on her. She comes over for holidays.

Right now that is it.

Eventually she will need more from me and I will need to find a way to balance what she needs with the needs of my own little family. My own little family comes first. But like I said, there is a past history involved that is not commen and though I am trying to be a good daughter and a decent human being, I am not willing to short my own family while taking care of her needs.

Good luck.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *tinybutterfly*
> 
> Eventually she will need more from me and I will need to find a way to balance what she needs with the needs of my own little family. My own little family comes first. But like I said, there is a past history involved that is not commen and though I am trying to be a good daughter and a decent human being, I am not willing to short my own family while taking care of her needs.


 I really understand your thinking. I loved my father but there were elements of his personality and family history that made having him under my roof simply not an option. I know families that bring their parents and grandparents into their homes and if it works for them, great, but it would have been horrible for our family and therefore, we never entertained the thought. I guess we were fortunate in that my dad had no desire to be at our house any more than we were willing to have him here.

My dad's mom did live with us for many years until she went to a nursing home and on one hand, it was just fine but on the other, she and my dad fought like cats and dogs and there was always some sort of drama going on. My aunts lived across the country and there was always issues between the siblings about her care. My dad had a huge problem with them micro-managing from a distance. He and one of the sisters ended up estranged and didn't speak for years.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Over the weekend, dh's aunt (FIL's 91 yo sister) died in a different state. This weekend MIL is having surgery, and dh and I are taking off work a week each for the next two weeks to take care of her as she's supposed to be on bedrest for that long.

Yesterday, Dr. BIL #2 called to say that he's too busy and important to make the trip to attend the funeral, but hinted it would be nice if one of us did (and somehow take care of MIL at the same time, plus our kids). Then he was trying to get me to tell him what a great guy he is for not putting himself out to make the trip. Dh was out at the time, and BIL didn't get the pat on the back he was fishing for from me.

Then Dr. BIL #1 called late at night to tell dh that dh should spend the day making phone calls on MIL's behalf. Also, it would be nice if either dh or I could go to the funeral, but Dr. BIL #1 is way too busy and important for that.

The family dynamic makes my head explode. They treat dh like he is still 7 years old, and while he resents it, he never tells them off. And they love to wax euphoric about what a close, loving, concerned bunch they are. Unless, of course, one of them might have to put themselves out.


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## grahamsmom98 (May 15, 2002)

Every family, it seems, has one person that is the caregiver to the parents (if, of course, there are multiple children!).

If you can afford to hire a caregiver, DO THIS! You need to be the child to your parent. The dynamic that changes when you become the caregiver is so stressful. You may think, hey, they cared for me when I was little, it's pay-back time. That is fine, but you must remember, the time when you were needing such care (toileting, feeding, etc) was finite and you grew-out of it. With the elderly, they won't need less help as time goes on, they'll need more. Changing a baby's diaper is a different story than changing an adult's soiled briefs and/or bedding.

I am the youngest of 4. I have been caring for my parents, in one way or another, for many years. None of them have been involved in ANY way since pur parents began more advanced aging. They didn't and don't call to check on Mom (never called about Dad either). When I called my brother to tell him Dad had been buried that morning, he was angry as I had interrupted a business meeting he was in! I haven't spoken with my sister since 2008 (when I called to tell her the same thing).

Honestly, it's easier without them.

Mom had a small stroke and had to move from their home to retirement living or die. There house was just too much for her to care for and she had to give up driving. Dad refused to move, but she did (we bought her retirement community apartment for her). Dad stayed in the house.

She lived well for a couple of years in that apartment and thrived. Then, a big stroke that wiped-out her short-term memory. She needed to move to assisted living after that. It was 90 miles away (one way) and we visited her twice a week. Happily, after a year, there was an opening in an AL residence just 8 minutes away from our home and she lived there until she broke her hip last July and had to move, permanently, into a skilled nursing residence. Mom is now 90 years old. She is wheelchair-bound. She is also very happy and doesn't have any sense of time passing. She still thinks Dad is alive, as well as her parents. We are able to visit her daily and glad for it.

Dad died in 2008, in his own home (as he wanted). On his 88th birthday, he fell in the garage, broke his pelvis and died, on the floor and alone, from hypothermia and shock. He refused to ever move out, saying the only way he'd leave was "in a box". Well, a body bag served the same purpose. But, he was where he wanted to be, and we respected that. We offered to buy him a home near us and he said no. Assisted living was out of the question from his end. So, he stayed.

He had a minor car accident a month or so before he died. I was able to convince him (quite easily, as it turned out) to give up his keys, using the following points:

I said his insurance company would require he take a mature driving course. *Not true, but he didn't know this.*

I said his insurance premiums were going to be raised 3 times their current price. *Not true, but he didn't know this.*

I said he'd have to have his driver's license renewed by taking the actual driving test again, including freeway driving. *Not true, but he didn't know this.*

I pointed out that, though his accident happened in a parking lot and that the other guy was not going make any issues (insurance covered all the damage), what if he hadn't been so nice or he had been injured? LAWSUIT. Dad (and, Mom) could lose everything they had worked so hard to achieve. *TRUE* Was it worth it? This, more than anything, convinced him. Then, I offered him this answer to his question of "Well, how the hell am I supposed to get around? YOU can't drive 90 miles to take me to the grocery store!"

I also told him about the fact that one local cab company had a plan for elderly ex-drivers. They start an account (you add a chosen amount to put into it) for the elderly person. The person just needs to call them 30 minutes prior to wanting to leave for wherever, and the cab will be there. They don't need to pay the driver, just initial or sign a receipt and their account will be charged the correct amount. He would get both a senior and a military discount.

There would be no more driving on icy roads, insurance to pay, gas to buy, someone would help carry his groceries into the house (and, make sure he got inside safely). No more shoviling the driveway so he could get out, or cursing the snowplow for piling him in. No money to deal with, just initialing a receipt. I asked him to try it for a couple of months, just over the Winter, and we'd see how things worked out for the Spring.

Losing the independence of driving is a HUGE issue for the elderly to face. Most people hate to be depending on any others for help, even when it is offered with sincerity and love. But, the idea of paying someone else for this service sure hit the right note for my Dad. Knowing he wouldn't be "a bother" to anyone clinched it. He handed me the van keys and asked if we could sell it for him. The talk I had so dreaded went easily.

Dad used that cab company many times in the month prior to his death. He told his best friends that he should have done it long ago!

Here are some things I've learned:

Something I would also recommend to everyone: If you think your loved one is showing signs of dementia, PLEASE, ask their doctor to check their ammonia levels! Ammonia can cause symptoms of dementia. Whether it is a simple UTI or a reaction to kidney disease or medication, it may be something that can be, if not fixed, at least controlled!

Make sure you have the DURABLE Power of Attorney in place. This is so important. Have copies of this on file with EVERYONE: their health care providers (general, specialist, eye, dentist/denturist), their insurance companies, their utilities (power, phone, cable, garbage) companies, any in-home caregivers they have, their banks and anyone else they have financial ties with. Make sure their pension providers have one. Same goes for the IRS (you can do this on-line) and Social Security (you need to become their personal representative. This needs to be done in person and Mom/Dad need to be with you to do it). Make sure all these people know YOU.

Do this for the Durable POA for Health Care Decisions, as well.

Cancel all their credit cards. If you feel they are capable, let them keep their Visa or MC (or whatever one-card-pays-all they have). Change the locks on their house (they may have given keys to multiple friends over the years). You need to know who has access to their home.

You need to meet with their doctors/health care providers and have honest conversations about what the prognosis is for your loved one. Do this on a separate appointment, solo from your LO. Discuss the really hard issues. With my Mom's doctor, I have discussed what to do (and, what NOT to do) should she become ill or injured. Pain management is #1. But, that is it. No heroic live-saving measures, no antibiotics. Just keep her comfortable and let Nature take its course.

And, though it may seem obvious: Document, document, document EVERYTHING!!! This means every purchase you made for your loved one(s). What doctors they see and when. What meds they use and why. What changes you have made to your home (or their home) to make things easier/safer for them (grab bars, lighting changes, flooring changes, different furniture, alarm systems). Has adaptive equipment needed purchasing (walkers, canes, wheelchairs, scooters)? Incontinence products (these are not cheap)? Different types of clothing purchases: buttons are difficult for older hands, snaps and velcro are better; velcro-closures on stable shoes; natural fiber clothing releases stains easier than synthetics, etc. Does your parent need special transport services (public, private or do you need to adapt your vehicle to hold a scooter)?

If you have siblings that are out of the picture/not involved, you need to have the proof that you are/have done everything for your parent(s). Make sure you tell friends what you are doing. If it ever come to it and things get nasty (as they can in families), you can show that YOU have "been there" for Mom and/or Dad. Where were they? Did YOU pay for everything or did they help? Were they there, in the ER after Mom/Dad fell and you thought they hurt themselves? Were they there to explain, for the 107th time, when Mom/Dad were to take their meds or that no, Mom/Dad's parents weren't coming for a visit (or, smiling, though it twisted like a knife, and asking how things were with them, though they've been dead for 50 years).

If your LO is in assited living or a nursing home, become their champion. You have to, they can't do it for themselves. Learn the names of the staff. Always say hi to them (and, to other residents, even if you don't know them!). They will remember YOU asking how Mom/Dad does overnight and is there any information you can offer to them that would make their job easier, as far as Mom/Dad are concerned? The staff will remember YOU being there.

One good thing I have learned, though, about being the sole person involved in a parent's care: Nobody is interferring or second-guessing everything you do. True, there is nobody helping to shoulder the burden. But, there was never any guarantee they would be there in the first place.

Dh is an only child, so he always knew this would be the way of things for him.

Our ds is an only child, too. But, as we have been living all this, we have already made plans for our aged futures (we're in our 50's), so that he won't have to shoulder the same burden he has seen with his grandparents since he was 4. He'll have his life, as we want him to.

We also, indirectly, care for fil. He has a daily caregiver that comes to his condo. We are expected to come over every Sunday and bring dinner. I hate it in that he says it is easier on him to have us visit his place. But, he has the strength to go to the casino once or twice a week, for 8 hours at a time. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....................

Quote:


> My mother is in her 70's and has COPD and emphysema as her main problems. I take her to doctor appointments, am there at the hospital when she comes down with bronchitis, do her laundry, cook her meals, help her in the shower, keep tabs on her oxygen and meds and basically just take care of everything. She does take care of her own "bathroom needs". Mom is the most negative, cranky, and surly person on the planet. The other day she wanted macaroni and cheese for dinner. (I don't cook from boxes, so of course it was from scratch). Well, it wasn't good enough. She wanted bread with it. It told her that she already had a carb/starch with the noodles and she shouldn't eat bread (she also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and atherosclerosis) and perhaps I could cut her a fruit/vegetable. Her reply was to yell at me, "I WANT BREAD!" These types of things are day in and day out and yes, it gets exhausting. I only wish we could send her to a nursing home. She originally moved in, not because of health problems, but because she was broke. There is NO money for a nursing home (and we're not sacrificing what we have accumulated to send her to one!)


Velochic, I am sorry you are going through this. But, see things from her point. Maybe she's always been negative, cranky and surly. But, now, more than ever, it's all out of her control. She cannot do for herself anymore, other than her toileting needs. This has become the only thing she has control over in her life. Imagine how that feels. Her body is failing her. Inside, she still remembers the hell-on-wheels she was, in a young, vital body, with a future years in the future. That body is gone and that future is gone. What is left but the memories of those times. And, maybe dreams unrealized and replaced with bitterness of that realization. Inside, she probably HATES being dependent on anyone, especially her child. The roles have reversed and she doesn't want to be told what she can't do or eat (remember when you were little and were told the same thing?!).

I have a suggestion: why not let her have the things she desires? Yes, I understand that she has health issues that might be compromised by diet changes. But, honestly, she's in her 70s and why can't it be HER choice as to what she wants to eat? If she wants to eat something that might shorten her life in some small way, isn't it her right to do so? Her health doesn't promise her a long life, would that piece of bread really be so awful? Or, that box of mac&cheese that SHE likes??

She'd be happier and I bet your life would be, as well.

Before everyoe jumps on me about this, let me say my fil is diabetic and has heart and kidney disese. He is 82 and takes a bumch of meds each day. We've stopped asking him about his stats (blood sugar readings etc) each day. He is happier for it. We don't censor what he eats. He is happier for it. One of those things will probably kill him (or, he may trip, fall and hit his head and die from that). But, at his age, there are so few real pleasures left for him to enjoy. Food is one of them. So, yes, that piece of coffee toffee pie is not #1 on his list of healthy foods. So, is a slice of this a big nail in his coffin? Maybe and maybe not. And, if it is, it is HIS choice to make, not ours. I say, let the elderly eat what they want, the foods they have eaten all their lives (hey, they made it this far on them, why change now?). My Dad made it to 88 living on gin, 3-pack-a-day cigs and grease. Had he not fallen, he'd probably still be alive. His autopsy showed remarkably little life-long damage!!

The other thing you mention is about her financial situation and the affordability of a nursing home. She should be eligble for Medicare/Medicaid, I should think.

I have a TON of in-home ideas to make everyone's lives easier if they have an elderly person in the home. Feel free to ask!!!


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


> But, honestly, she's in her 70s and why can't it be HER choice as to what she wants to eat? If she wants to eat something that might shorten her life in some small way, isn't it her right to do so?










That was my response to my dad. He's 86 years old. He's supposed to avoid salt/sodium. He likes potato chips and tortilla chips. He was griping about how hard it is to find low salt chips and I said something like, you've earned the right to have salty chips if you want (no one wants to be told 'you're not going to live much longer so you might as well eat whatever you damn well please").


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## Sol_y_Paz (Feb 6, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *grahamsmom98*
> 
> Here are some things I've learned:
> 
> ...


This is good advice.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Grahamsmom98, I didn't want to quote your post and make the thread longer. I agree with much that you have said. The thing is that I am in contact with my mom's doctors and they ENCOURAGE me to question my mom's diet habits. It's not just that one piece of bread. It's that she sits down and eats a whole box of pop-tarts or a whole package of cookies and she isn't supposed to eat that many carbs. (BTW, she doesn't like the boxed mac and cheese... my point about making it from scratch is that I *do* take the time to make food as healthy as possible even when it's not a wise choice to begin with.) She loves my cooking, but I still, as her caregiver, have a right to ask her to take better care of HERSELF. This isn't about control, it's about prolonging life. My dh's grandmother was told to not eat salt at all. She gave in one day and ate a pickle... she was dead before it was digested. I'm not dismissing your advice, I'm just saying that I am doing what I can based on what I'm told by her doctors. I'm not going to take internet advice over what they are saying and I disagree that it's "just a piece of bread". The better care she takes of herself, the less of a burden it is on me. She has a responsibility to me, as well. This is not just a one-way street here. It's no different than parenting a child... respect has to flow both ways. If mom doesn't care if she become a vegetable for her own sake, she should consider the burden it will be on us. I'm sorry, but I disagree with you 100% on this point.

You make a lot of good points, but much of what you've said doesn't even apply to us. Mom already has medicare and medicaid. It still doesn't qualify her for nursing home care. Oh, we could use if for a couple of months, but the benefits end there. I think you are coming at this from a different perspective because your parents could afford this kind of care. My mother has no money at all. None except a few hundred that come in each month to pay for her medicines. Nursing home care is something we're not willing to pay for out-of-pocket.

However, I do have a question. Why would one have to document that they are the caregiver? You mention that you should make sure friends know that you are the one doing all the work. What good is that? I'm just wondering what the reasoning is for that because for the life of me, I can't figure out why it would matter except to the person you are caring for.

Lots of good advice in your post. I don't necessarily agree with it all, but they are all points that anyone caring for an elderly parent should be at least thinking about. I think your post added a great deal to the discussion and I, for one, thank you for taking the time to type it all out. Lots of good wisdom there.


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *grahamsmom98*
> 
> I have a TON of in-home ideas to make everyone's lives easier if they have an elderly person in the home. Feel free to ask!!!


OK, I am asking!


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

The sibling thing is so difficult. My DH has one brother that is in jail, and another that can't make a decision or take any action. So it all falls on my DH.... who is the baby of the family and this is WAY out of his comfort zone. So our little family is feeling all of the stress.

BIL will call and second-guess each decision, but won't actually do anything to help make the decision or make anything happen for FIL.

He keeps filling FILs head with "I will buy a house for both of us and take care of you.".... which is total baloney. I told my hubby to just tell bil "okay whatever, we're moving FIL to this independant living place 1/2 mile from us, and when you buy that house, you can move him." We are 99% sure that won't actually happen!!

It is definitely causing a lot of resentment towards DH's bro.... so I hope their relationship can survive these tough times!


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

I meant to ask, why change the locks on your parent's door?


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *journeymom*
> 
> I meant to ask, why change the locks on your parent's door?


I assumed it was because, when you get to the point where you're taking over pretty much everything (bill paying, dealing with all the legal and medical stuff, day-to-day care, etc.), you'd want to know exactly who had access to the house. Keys may have been given to friends, neighbors, gardeners, housekeepers, petsitters, etc. over the years. You may choose to give new keys to some of those people when you change the locks (a neighbor or whatever), but I can see why it'd be nice to sort of have a clean slate and be assured that the only people with access to the house are people you know about.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *limabean*
> 
> I assumed it was because, when you get to the point where you're taking over pretty much everything (bill paying, dealing with all the legal and medical stuff, day-to-day care, etc.), *you'd want to know exactly who had access to the house*. Keys may have been given to friends, neighbors, gardeners, housekeepers, petsitters, etc. over the years. You may choose to give new keys to some of those people when you change the locks (a neighbor or whatever), but I can see why it'd be nice to sort of have a clean slate and be assured that the only people with access to the house are people you know about.


Exactly. Towards the end, some weird things were happening at my dad's house. Stuff disappeared with no explaination, which was very, very odd. My dad wasn't a particularly generous person so we seriously doubt he gave away these certain items. He was also a bit of hoarder so we dont' think he threw them out. We think someone he knew had a key, came in and helped themselves one way or another - either out right theft or "encouraged" him to "give" the stuff to him. The missing items were easily sellable - a DSLR camera, DVD player, other electronics and appliances.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

I think the documentation would be for legal reasons in case the non-helping sibs try to pop up later saying they did it all and wanting some compensation from the estate? I'm just guessing here but we are in a similar situation with one of DH's brothers. He never helps and only visits to get bailed out of $ trouble, but is trying to establish residency in his grandmother's house.









Thanks for this thread! We care for my Mom (step-dad until he died last year) in our home and help DH's Mom with his Grandmom as well, so I'll be back when I have more time.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *grahamsmom98*
> 
> *Mom had a small stroke and had to move from their home to retirement living or die*. There house was just too much for her to care for and she had to give up driving. Dad refused to move, but she did (we bought her retirement community apartment for her). Dad stayed in the house.
> 
> *She lived well for a couple of years in that apartment and thrived.* Then, a big stroke that wiped-out her short-term memory. She needed to move to assisted living after that. It was 90 miles away (one way) and we visited her twice a week. Happily, after a year, there was an opening in an AL residence just 8 minutes away from our home and she lived there until she broke her hip last July and had to move, permanently, into a skilled nursing residence. Mom is now 90 years old. She is wheelchair-bound. She is also very happy and doesn't have any sense of time passing. She still thinks Dad is alive, as well as her parents. We are able to visit her daily and glad for it.


I know lots of people who say that once they convinced/forced their parents to move to an assisted living (or similar older adult housing) it was like a whole new world for the aging parents, in the best possible way. All adapted quite well and some truly did thrive and lived out the rest of their years stimulated and happy.

My dad lived alone, on a farm, way,way out in the middle of nowhere. The closest grocery store was a 45 minute drive, his doctors were over an hour away. So on top of the chronic health issues, he was always nervous about the weather, how to take care of the farm, household maintenance, etc.

We regularly talked to him about moving closer to me as there are quite a few over 55 communities that based rent on a percentage of income or an assisted living community. (cost was not the deciding factor) I truly believe he would have loved being around other people. He needed to be the center of attention and he would have had an almost captive audience if he had gone to senior housing complex or AL community.

My neighbors had to move the husband's parents out of their house. The couple was living without heat (claimed they couldn't afford it, which was untrue) and couldn't navigate the stairs, their living conditions were unacceptable and dangerous. The kids made them a deal - try it for six months and if you don't like it, you can move home. They winterized the house, secured it and moved the parents to an assisted living apartment. The parents did very well and told them after a month to sell their house. The mom said "it is so nice to be warm." Because heat was included in the rent, she allowed herself to keep the temp at a reasonable level.

Grahmsmom89 - those necessary lies about the car and driving are so familar to me. We went through a similar situation with my husband's grandfather. He caused an accident that could have been deadly for a number of people but thank goodness, no one was hurt. (plowed through a crowd of people) He somehow got it in his head that if he gave up his license, he won't get arrested. We played on that, which might sound horrible to some people but it allowed Pap to stop driving on what he perceived to be his terms and retain some dignity.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *stormborn*
> 
> I think the documentation would be for legal reasons in case the non-helping sibs try to pop up later saying they did it all and wanting some compensation from the estate? I'm just guessing here but we are in a similar situation with one of DH's brothers. He never helps and only visits to get bailed out of $ trouble, but is trying to establish residency in his grandmother's house.
> 
> ...


Or if anyone accuses you (the caregiver) of stealing.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

I have a hunch that human interaction and good stimulation are at least as important as good medical care.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Caneel*
> Exactly. Towards the end, some weird things were happening at my dad's house. Stuff disappeared with no explaination, which was very, very odd. My dad wasn't a particularly generous person so we seriously doubt he gave away these certain items. He was also a bit of hoarder so we dont' think he threw them out. We think someone he knew had a key, came in and helped themselves one way or another - either out right theft or "encouraged" him to "give" the stuff to him. The missing items were easily sellable - a DSLR camera, DVD player, other electronics and appliances.


This wouldn't apply to me at all. My mom doesn't have anything. No money, no jewelry, nothing of value. Even the TV she watches and the car she drives is ours. Even her furniture is all ours. The one thing that actually belongs to her is her wardrobe. Since she lives with us, she, of course has a key to our house, but nobody else does. For those whose parents are actually living in their own home and own things of value, I can the reason to do this, though. When my mom passes on my sisters are welcome to her clothes if they want them. I guess there is an upside to my mother moving in with us.


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

Getting a little scary over here... FIL forgot where his fav restaurant was ... he has been going there for years!!!


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## insidevoice (Feb 16, 2011)

We aren't there yet, but know it will be coming in a few years. My mother is still fairly healthy but my dad's health is slipping. It is hard to watch the man who one knew everything become confounded for two months by a plumbing problem, and he has developed a leg ulcer that won't heal and makes it hard for him to walk. I see the difference in his memory and decision making and I know what it heralds for the coming years, but he's not willing to seek help yet, and he's not ill enough that anyone else can make the choice for him.

My FIL needs to be in an assisted living facility. He suffered a stroke early this year and has lost all balance as well as having developed significant one-sided weakness. Because he can still speak and function, his wife decided to bring him home. Unfortunately, she does not have the skills to support him in the ways he needs at this point. It is not an option for him to live with us at any time.

We are planning to purchase a home in the next year or so, and will look for a place with a ground-level in-law suite for my parents to use when they visit as well as when they need more support.


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *insidevoice*
> 
> .... I see the difference in his memory and decision making and I know what it heralds for the coming years, but he's not willing to seek help yet, and he's not ill enough that anyone else can make the choice for him.
> 
> ....


This is the brutal part! This "limbo" between full capacity and no capacity. It's like something really bad has to happen before you can help them. And we don't *want* something really bad to happen to him!


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## SuburbanHippie (Aug 29, 2008)

My grandma has completely forgotten now that I am in school full time despite the fact that I sent over a copy of a letter saying on was on the Dean's list again. She is also still dwelling on the money she gave me last summer and now says that I used it to go on vacation. She fails to remember that I went on vacation a good month before she gave me the money for tuition. If I wanted to use her money to go on vacation, I certainly wouldn't have went to where I went, had a miscarriage, got food poisoning, and altitude sickness. Conveniently, she has forgotten all of that as well. *sigh*

My mom is showing more and more signs of being unstable as well. DH is starting to worry that this is genetic and that I'm going to go senile too. Honestly, it freaks me out.


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## cat13 (Dec 8, 2010)

I am so sorry that all of you are dealing with these hardships with your aging loved ones, but thank you for sharing because it's good for me not to feel so alone. In my case, my MIL is only 63, but is dealing with severe depression and alcoholism. A few days ago, DH had to fly out because she was in the hospital again. She has gone through this same cycle multiple times in the last 2 years and I don't know what to do to stop it: she gets depressed, decided to stop taking her meds, decides to stop seeing her counselor, loses her appetite so doesn't eat or drink, drinks wine or coffee at all hours of the day, then eventually collapses and has to drag herself to the phone to call 911. But since her problems aren't physical, she just recuperates in the hospital for 3-5 days and is then released. Then the 3 month-ish cycle begins again.

There is no other family or close friends to take care of her (except BIL, who refuses to have anything to do with her), yet she refuses to sell her home and move into an assisted living situation, or even to an apartment near us. DH has a Power of Attorney, but so far all the docs say that he can't use it unless she is deemed 'incompetent' which no doc is willing to do (she always turns on the charm in front of the docs). We are living off my meager salary while DH is in school, and are expecting our first baby in August, so we can't afford to be flying out there every time she hurts herself. But she refuses our care. We can't just sit back while she keeps hurting herself. BIL says that's it's her own choices so we should just let her keep hurting herself, but I believe that the depression & alcoholism are taking over her ability to make her own choices and she still needs help.

I don't know what the answer is. Right now DH is still in her town trying to figure out the next steps. Thanks for opening a venting thread, it's been a stressful time!


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *cat13*
> 
> .... But she refuses our care. We can't just sit back while she keeps hurting herself. BIL says that's it's her own choices so we should just let her keep hurting herself, but I believe that the depression & alcoholism are taking over her ability to make her own choices and she still needs help.


Right! They are clearly making very bad decisions, but they are adults and allowed to do that. It is so heartbreaking when they need our help and refuse it. If our elders were 40yo and making bad decisions, we could let them be. But when it is clearly age related, and they haven't been making bad decisions their whole lives, it is so sad. My mom said it was one of the hardest things she ever had to do when she told her mom that she was moving in with her, and Grandma didn't have the choice anymore. Switching the parent/child dynamic is stressful for everyone!

All I can do is tell myself that I won't do this to my kids!! I will move to a retirement community while I can still enjoy it. And I will make sure the community has the opportunity for me to age into assisted living, etc.


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## cat13 (Dec 8, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *HappyMommy2*
> 
> All I can do is tell myself that I won't do this to my kids!! I will move to a retirement community while I can still enjoy it. And I will make sure the community has the opportunity for me to age into assisted living, etc.


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