# Advice for a friend re: his wife's spanking



## fly-mom (May 23, 2005)

Okay, so this guy I work with was venting to me today. He is pretty frustrated with his wife and how she is dealing with their older dd. Their dd is just over 2 yo. He tells me that his wife is spanking (whipping was his word) dd every time her dd tells her no. She is also spanking for potty accidents (dd was ECd earlier), and says the dd is just having accidents to rebel against her. His wife also tells the little girl things like, "No one likes you". The wife is of Asian origin, so I'm wondering if some of this may be cultural, but anyway, he is kind of at his wits end. He has tried to talk to her about it, but she just ends up getting mad at him or walking away. His wife's father is staying with them for 6 months, on a visa, to help out with their younger baby, and I suspect that some of this is coming from him.

Anyway, he was asking me for advice, and I couldn't come up with anything helpful, but I told him I would think about it further. I told him he just had to sit down with her, without the kids there, and somehow come to a comprimise. He says he can't talk to her, that she won't listen. I suggested counselling. Maybe he will consider that. I asked him if she would be willing to read anything about it, but he said if she did read it she wouldn't agree with it.

Does anyone have any brilliant suggestions? I wouldn't normally get involved in such a personal thing, but he was asking for advice, and he was really really upset.

TIA!


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

Maybe some things from this website would help him explain - or he could print out some of it for her??

http://www.nospank.net/main.htm


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I think the only thing that will help is counseling. It doesn't mater what either of them say if they aren't listening.


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## fly-mom (May 23, 2005)

Thanks for the responses.

Bippity- I looked through the stuff at this site and I'm not really seeing anything I can recommend. The one obvious thing is the phamphet, Straight Talk about Spanking (?). But I skimmed through it, and to be honest I think it would raise more feelings of defensiveness than anything else. I will continue to look through that site and see what else I can find. Thank's so much for the link.

lilyka- I agree. The husband def has a problem with listening, which I know from personal experience. The wife, I don't know that well, but from what he says, it seems she does too. Counselling was really the only think I could think of, because everything I suggested was met with "That won't work". But of course re counselling, he doesn't think he could get her to go!


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Maybe he could urge his wife to return to work. A daycare would not spank her and he could help his wife with the child when they are both home evenings and weekends. I'm not saying this is ideal, but it would be a good solution.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I would suggest he offer as much practical support as he possibly can. He should completely take over with the kids whenever he is home. And he should consider a radical change in roles, if it is at all possible financially -- perhaps he should be the sahp. If he is going to have a strong say in discipline, he will not be able to offer effective or convincing arguments if he has not walked in her shoes.


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## fly-mom (May 23, 2005)

Oh, I should have mentioned. The kids are already in daycare, and he does take on a lot of the parenting responsibility, from what I understand.
I think the dynamics of the mother/dd relationship are just getting him down. I feel sad for her that everything has to be a constant struggle with her daugher.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

this might be a good situation to call CPS about. (child abuse hotline)you'll need her name and an address. just call and say that the father was descibing the spanking as whipping and you are really concerned that a child id being whipped for potty accidents. if i was in your shoes, i would run not walk to the phone to call.

and leave it at that, don't answer any of their other questions.

just call, give the info about the wife and use the word whipping repeatedly. if they ask what she is whipping with, say you have no idea, you were too upset to ask your co-worker.

don't give them any other info. don't tell them your name or where you work or anything. just her name (or his if you don't know hers), their address (if you know his name you can google their address), and the info about whipping.

if your state is anything like NY they'll have to investigate. if she is stressed and flipping out they can help with preventive services and parenting classes, if there are bruises they may remove the child... which is likely a good thing if she is whipping a 2 year old.

just my .02 about CPS, and i make my suggestions based on my experience with CSP professionally and personally.

GL.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeybeedreams*
this might be a good situation to call CPS about. (child abuse hotline)you'll need her name and an address. just call and say that the father was descibing the spanking as whipping and you are really concerned that a child id being whipped for potty accidents. if i was in your shoes, i would run not walk to the phone to call.

and leave it at that, don't answer any of their other questions.

just call, give the info about the wife and use the word whipping repeatedly. if they ask what she is whipping with, say you have no idea, you were too upset to ask your co-worker.

don't give them any other info. don't tell them your name or where you work or anything. just her name (or his if you don't know hers), their address (if you know his name you can google their address), and the info about whipping.

if your state is anything like NY they'll have to investigate. if she is stressed and flipping out they can help with preventive services and parenting classes, if there are bruises they may remove the child... which is likely a good thing if she is whipping a 2 year old.

just my .02 about CPS, and i make my suggestions based on my experience with CSP professionally and personally.

GL.


Then again, the man might be exaggerating a bit too. I think a little more investigation is warranted before a govt. agency is called who might take a child out of an otherwise loving home. Kids who are taken are sometimes hard to get back.

I have an autistic child who sometimes will scream. No, we do not spank or beat him. Luckily our neighbors know what is going on, but I can see if we got new neighbors and they did not know. Then, we could have CPS up in our business and we would be treated like criminals, although we have done nothing wrong. If our son was taken, it would be detrimental to his well-being.

I realize CPS exists to protect kids. I also know not all workers are out to harrass parents. But, you have to be careful about calling them. JMHO.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle*

I realize CPS exists to protect kids. I also know not all workers are out to harrass parents. But, you have to be careful about calling them. JMHO.

CPS doesn't take children on a whim. evidence is needed and a judges order is needed to keep kids after 3 days. children are not taken becasue someone hears them scream. there must be physical evidence of abuse.

my feeling... people usually minimize rather than exaggerate stuff like this.

if she is whipping the child, there will be bruises and they will be very telltale. as much as CPS screws up, there are far more children protected then taken unfairly. but of course, this is just my opinion and should be treated as such.








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