# Thoughts on feeling disconnected after c-section...



## g&a (Dec 15, 2004)

I had a c-section with DD. So many c-section birth stories I've read the mom says all she wanted was to see the baby, and they ached that the baby was not with them. I didn't feel that. Maybe it was the drugs, because the drugs made me pretty fuzzy-headed. But I just felt disconnected from it all. Even in the couple of days (weeks) after I felt so disconnected from her. She didn't feel like my baby. I always thought that was because of the surgical delivery, but am noticing that not all moms feel that way.

It was reading Dr.Sears that made a difference to me. There was a chapter on recovering from a bad birth, and it talked about holding your baby constantly as therapy. I had never thought that *I* needed the attachment as much as my baby did.

Anyway, I wonder if other moms have felt this way. I'm just now realizing that not all c-section moms experienced what I did.

g.


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

My views on some of this have changed a lot since my 2nd was born. I had the perfect unassisted homebirth with her, and it took me a good 6 months to really bond w/ her and I had a lot of issues with PPD. Go figure







I imagine having a bad birth would definitely add to that.


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## channelofpeace (Jul 14, 2005)

I have had two c-sections and two very different experiences in regards to this. My first section was for breech and i knew in advance that i would have one if she didn't turn. I started having mild contractions and went in for the c-section. My coping mechanism was thinking, "i am never going to have to do this again, i'll vbac next time" Her and i had no bonding issues at all.

I planned a vbac with my second and at 40 wks he failed a bpp because of low amniotic fluid (everything else looked fine) but my doctor suggested that another section would be best and my doula agreed with him. The whole time i was in the OR i was thinking, "it wasn't supposed to happen like this" and i felt very very disconnected. My husband held him after they wrapped him up (within the first five or ten minutes) and kept trying to show him to me but i told him to hold him. It took a good year and ppd before i really felt connected to him.

For me, personally, it was all about expectations. With my third (who became my vbac baby) i had to come to terms with the possiblity that i might have another section. I don't know how i would have felt if i did have a section with him, but even after a less-than-ideal vaginal birth, we had no bonding issues.

I have guilt for not feeling bonded with my first son at first. I know it isn't my fault, but it was hard to have this baby that intellectually i knew i loved, and that felt that fierce protection of, but didn't really feel like mine.

A thought:
When i had my vbac, i found it miraculous to be able to see him come out of me. First there was a little head, a little more head, shoulders, tummy, legs, coming out of me. I can't explain why this struck me, but it felt like he really belonged to me because i saw it all happen. With the others, of course i knew they were mine, but it was all very surreal. Lay down on table pregnant, show you baby over curtain, when the curtain is down you aren't pregnant.

Alright, i'll stop rambling


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## catters (Nov 20, 2007)

I wasn't expecting my c-section all through my pregnancy but I had been doing the Bradley Method and thought I should the chapter on Cesarean "just in case". Our Bradley instructor also encouraged us to get "The Baby Book" by Dr. Sears and when I had the c-section, I did everything I could to bond with my son immediately. I really believe that helped me when I felt like my body had failed me and really mourned the birth experience I missed out on. I really feared resenting my baby because he was Breech and that the cesarean would "ruin" me and that I wouldn't be happy with him because of the unnatural birth. I think that once my milk came in and the fact that once he was born I could "do everything naturally" again, ie Breastfeed, room in, then at home - co-sleep, baby wear, etc. then I felt better and close to my baby in a really short time. Anyway, I don't know if that helped but, I think you are right, by attaching yourself right away, you will forge that bond.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I felt that way after DD2 was born, and she was born peacefully at home. So IMO, it's not just the birth experience that affects the post-partum experience or mother-baby bonding. There are just so many factors involved. In my case, my marriage was falling apart, it was an unplanned pg and I hadn't dealt with those feelings by the time I gave birth, and I was just overwhelmed and scared. For the first 4 months my thinking was "I have to model to DD1 how I care for a baby"- so I was doing "all the right things"- cosleeping, BF, etc, but I wasn't really connecting to DD2 at all.


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## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

I felt that way after my c-section. It was an emergency, he was in the NICU for 1.5 days, I was really sick.

The worst part was, about 12 hours after I had him, my partner wheeled me into the NICU, all hooked up with IVs, so I could hold him, *see* him for the 1st time. I was supposedly wanting only that, right-- but when they put him in my arms I felt so nauseated and crappy, from the surgery I guess, that I just didn't want to and started crying and said, "here, I can't hold him now"

Then he looked odd to me for 4-5 days, like not my baby.

I do attribute it to my c-section. I know bonding can take time anyway, but that feeling of foreign-ness - does that happen if your baby is born into your arms?


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

I felt completely disconnected w/my first born (hospital/Pit/epidural/every intervention, etc).

I felt _very_ connected with my next two who were homebirthed, but perhaps that's anecdotal (but I personally don't think this is the case _for me_). I've never had that instantaneous *love* thing going on though...


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## Seie (Jun 9, 2005)

I had a c-section with my last baby - much unwanted as we had planned a UC. But he was malpositioned and never turned his head to fit through my pelvis so we transferred after around 5 hours in transition with no pushing urge. Nothing we did made him change positions and eventually I consented to c-section. I bonded with him at the first sound of his cry - I just loved him right there and then.

18 months earlier I gave birth to his sister at home. IT was an amazing birth - superquick and uncomplicated. It was so fast that I almost couldnt believe I had actually given birth when I was holding her for the first time. Bonding with her was something totally different. I felt much like you describe - like she was a stranger just visiting. It took me several weeks to feel like I actually knew her and that she was really mine - much like you describe.

My personal theory is that the hormones released during labor really have a say. WHile my c-sec-birth happened after around 9-10 hours in transition labor (and many more hours of active labor before that), then my homebirth happened after only 90 minutes of labor - active and transition and all.
I just dont think my body had enough time to prepare me mentally to recieve my baby during that superspeedy homebirth, while my c-sec labor my body had lots of time to build up lvls of endorphins and other hormones associated with bonding.

Just a theory.. I know there are lots of other things in play - and ofcourse a traumatic labor and/or birth will have a huge effect too.


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## photochef (Aug 14, 2005)

My first son was born at home with a midwife when I was 17, and I had no problems bonding with him. My second was a nightmare experience with a planned homebirth ending up in the hospital for induction after 48 hours of SROM, and a serious infection.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
For the first 4 months my thinking was "I have to model to DD1 how I care for a baby"- so I was doing "all the right things"- cosleeping, BF, etc, but I wasn't really connecting to DD2 at all.









:For months, and still a lot of times even now after almost 7 months, I feel like I am doing the right things for my baby, but I can't get the feeling of connection I had with my son. They took her from me seconds after she was born, and when I finally got her back, it was like they brought me back some random baby, and that MY baby was gone forever.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Inca* 
My personal theory is that the hormones released during labor really have a say. WHile my c-sec-birth happened after around 9-10 hours in transition labor (and many more hours of active labor before that), then my homebirth happened after only 90 minutes of labor - active and transition and all.
I just dont think my body had enough time to prepare me mentally to recieve my baby during that superspeedy homebirth, while my c-sec labor my body had lots of time to build up lvls of endorphins and other hormones associated with bonding.

Just a theory.. I know there are lots of other things in play - and ofcourse a traumatic labor and/or birth will have a huge effect too.

Very interesting theory! My first labor was 24 hours, my second was 1.5! I suppose that maybe that does factor in, but it seems a little unfair of nature.







I hope that if I am ever lucky enough to have another child, that I will have a longer, less hellish labor and have it be unassisted at that.

Love and support to everyone in this boat with me!


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## g&a (Dec 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *milkydoula* 

A thought:
When i had my vbac, i found it miraculous to be able to see him come out of me. First there was a little head, a little more head, shoulders, tummy, legs, coming out of me. I can't explain why this struck me, but it felt like he really belonged to me because i saw it all happen. With the others, of course i knew they were mine, but it was all very surreal. Lay down on table pregnant, show you baby over curtain, when the curtain is down you aren't pregnant.


I completely identify with this. I told my husband once that I wanted to give the baby back to the doctor. Like the doctor was the stork that had brought her to me and he could take her back. SAD, really.

It seems like, from this thread anyway, that you can feel disconnected from your baby even ig you have a great birth.
I will never know if it was the way her birth was or something else that lead to this feeling. I honestly think the drugs had at least something to do with it. I don't remember the first 24 hours after her birth. It's just so fuzzy from whatever they gave me to stop the throwing up. And then coping with an early birth, unexpected surgery, troubles bfing etc. - I was just surviving, not thinking, no room in my brain for anyone but me, including that baby.

I don't feel guilty, but do feel like I missed out on the first couple of weeks of my DD's life, because, though I was there, I wasn't really THERE. I am so thankful that we got through it. I imagine that's what PPD is like if you're stuck in that place for a long time.

I guess now that I'm aware of it I'll be watching for it this time. I'll know that I need to hold baby skin to skin lots and lots, even if baby doesn't need it as much as I do. I'll know to get as much help as humanly possible to make things easier. I will know that this is temporary, and it does get better. And I'll pray with all my heart for a gentler birth.

*Everything* is easier when you and your baby are firmly attached.

g.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:

I don't feel guilty, but do feel like I missed out on the first couple of weeks of my DD's life, because, though I was there, I wasn't really THERE. I am so thankful that we got through it. I imagine that's what PPD is like if you're stuck in that place for a long time.


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## g&a (Dec 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia*


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## gwerydd (Jun 7, 2007)

my dd's birth was an emergency c-section. i never even went into labour, i went in with really high blood pressure and they did the section that morning. i never felt a part of the birth process. immediately after she was born they wrapped her up and handed her to my dh, he brought her over to me and placed her on my chest. i asked him to take her because i felt like i couldn't hold her, that i wasn't steady enough and i was focused so much on what was happening to my body because i could feel it all. shortly afterward my dd was taken to the NICU because she was having breathing difficulties, i didn't see her for another 15 hours or so and didn't get to hold her again until later the next day. i felt very detached for some time. then i dealt with serious PPD. it took several months for me to really feel comfortable in my role as her mother. now at 10 months i think we have figured things out and i adore my dd but it was a rough road to get here.


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