# Scubamama, I'm just curious...



## bellona (Feb 17, 2006)

Why you don't like Sears. I'm not very well read like most of the moms on here. I just don't have alot of time any more and unless I have a particula problem I just don't get to it. I've read a little of his advice and it all sounded good to me - cosleeping, feeding on demand, trying to understand the reason for the behavior...

What don't I know?


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

I love Dr. Sears. He introduced me to the idea of AP and NFL


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

Well I'm not scubamama who may dislike him for different reasons, and I don't have time at the moment to get really into it, but he definitely gets on my nerves. It's true that it's Sear's book that introduced me to lots of AP ideas and made me feel like it was OK to co-sleep. BUT- let's see, I think he expects A LOT out of moms, and I think AP principles can be too much for some people at some times. This has to be acknolwedged. And I think he can be quite sexist in many ways. A private email he once responded to to an online friend of mine really confirmed the latter, too.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

I am not Scuba







But I will tell you why I do not think all of his advice is that great. I like that he validates some of the choices that are considered against the grain like breastfeeding, cosleeping, etc..... I do not like his discipline advice though. It is centered around punishment that he calls "consequences". For people who do not believe that punishing children is the best way to interact with them, his advice is not so great. I also think he downplays the importance of fathers and is a bit too inflexible in the role of mothers. But I think that is more of a personal taste thing rather than "right or wrong".


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## aira (Jun 16, 2004)

I also disagree with his discipline advice.

And vaccines - but that's not for here.


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aira*
I also disagree with his discipline advice.

And vaccines - but that's not for here.









When I was reading his disciplien advice (actually, when I was reading his whole book), what I was seeing was an "Easy Introduction" away from the mainstream and into child-centered parenting. Think about how many mainstream parents out there say it's 'ok' to spank. Dr. Sears says, "Hey, it's NOT ok....and here are some non-violent solutions."


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## sophiesue2 (Jan 15, 2005)

I also know that he's not exactly anti-circumcision. Which could be another reason people don't like him.


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

I like Dr. Sears and give his book often to Expectant Moms, IMO, he is like the gateway drug to AP/NFL/GD principals.

He is far from TCS though, he definitely does speak of punishment and that kind of thing, but I think his ideas are a great stepping stone away from more mainstream ways. Most people don't go from mainstream thinking to Kohn in a day, yk?


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## VikingKvinna (Dec 31, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint*
I like Dr. Sears and give his book often to Expectant Moms, IMO, he is like the gateway drug to AP/NFL/GD principals.









It's just a slippery slope from an experimental hit of Sears to the hardcore Alfie addiction.









I just finished reading "The Discipline Book" and I was able to take what I liked and leave the rest. Lots of good stuff in there. I especially like his suggestions about alternatives to "no" and the semantics of talking to kids. Is there some stuff in there that I think swings too far to the Nanny 911 side? Yup. And he does seem to be rather old-school in terms of gender roles ("Dads, give Mom a break once in a while by asking the kids to help clean up" sort of thing). But he's all about BFing and getting kids to be connected and attached, so ITA that it's a great intro to AP for folks who might not ordinarily find out about it/read about these things.


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint*
I like Dr. Sears and give his book often to Expectant Moms, IMO, he is like the gateway drug to AP/NFL/GD principals.

He is far from TCS though, he definitely does speak of punishment and that kind of thing, but I think his ideas are a great stepping stone away from more mainstream ways. Most people don't go from mainstream thinking to Kohn in a day, yk?









This is so totally accurate!

With my son I was way too mainstream. I didn't circ, did breastfeed, and didn't spank, but still. When I found Dr. Sears' books, I felt like THIS was what I was trying to do. Later when I came on here, I saw a recommendation for Unconditional Parenting and bought and read it, thought it was brilliant, and am putting the ideas into place for my own dc (although admittedly it's more difficult for my pre-verbal babies.)

But had I gone right from "What to Expect the Toddler Years" to ALfie Kohn, I probably would have been extremely taken aback.

"Gateway drug" is a perfect description


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Gateway drug - love that analogy!!
Just curious, to the poster who said he's sexist...why??
I don't care for his pro-vax "opinion." Other than that, eh, gateway drug about sums it up!!


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

I too have mixed feelings about Sears. I appreciate beyond words that it was his books that got us thinking about AP, and the Baby Book was my bible when DS was born and throughout babyhood. But then... DS grew...

And Sears and I parted ways on discipline. It was no longer the right fit for us, and I had to do some reading, and searching around to find a style that more mirrored my own instincts. Luckily, I was able to find a wealth of wonderful information, through some excellent books and right here at MDC.









The best,
Em


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

Well again I'm in a rush- but to the inquiry about why he's sexist-- I think a lot of feminist moms find him sexist. In my reading he puts a huge burden on moms and implies that a lot of stuff is solely moms' domain and not dads'. When I read an older (but not old) copy of the pregnancy book from the library, it was filled with sexist stuff imo (No, I'm not going to give my husband "pin-ups" of my pregnant self naked to look at at work). And then there was the email. A friend online emailed a very polite, professional note to him about how something online was turning off feminists, and she wished it could be altered so they wouldn't reject him outright and would get into his ideas more. I'm paraphrasing quickly here, and this was a while ago.. but her email was polite. And his was not. It was very defensive and went on about how thank goodness most women have commone sense or the species would die out, or something ridiculous.


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## aira (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VikingKvinna*







It's just a slippery slope from an experimental hit of Sears to the hardcore Alfie addiction.

















:


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophiesue2*
I also know that he's not exactly anti-circumcision. Which could be another reason people don't like him.

That's a big one for me.

I love the gateway drug analogy! Too true here.

It was by accident that I even read Dr.Sears. It was on sale at a book store, where I had gone to buy a book for baby names. So I picked it up and read it and was like "Wow! You mean I can pick up my baby when he cries, and that's ok?!?!?!" I was hooked, and super convinced that I would parent that way. So, in that sense, it is an awesome book.

But, reading it now, it seems way too mainstream to me. Yeah, the circ stuff, the discipline stuff, the vax stuff.
And I happened to read the section on feeding toddlers from 1 to 2 yo the other day (ds wanted me to read it to him, because of the baby on the cover), and I came to a part about milk. He talks about cow milk, goat milk, even non dairy milk. No mention AT ALL about giving toddlers people milk in that section. I went to the breastfeeding section, and he says there's no problem with extended bf'ing, it won't make dc too dependent or spoiled or any of that. But from what I read, it didn't really seem like he was pressing it as being the BEST thing you can do, kwim?


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## aira (Jun 16, 2004)

Yeah, the nutrition advice was also way off IMO. I wouldn't touch a lot of the stuff that they recommend feeding to kids.


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## Proudly AP (Jul 12, 2003)

i also read once here, in the bf advocacy forum, that he was heard (by a member here) hawking formlua in walmart. it was a formula promoting the lipids 'like in breastmilk'

i don't recall who it was who mentioned it here, but that did turn me off a bit.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deva33mommy*
But, reading it now, it seems way too mainstream to me. Yeah, the circ stuff, the discipline stuff, the vax stuff.
And I happened to read the section on feeding toddlers from 1 to 2 yo the other day (ds wanted me to read it to him, because of the baby on the cover), and I came to a part about milk. He talks about cow milk, goat milk, even non dairy milk. No mention AT ALL about giving toddlers people milk in that section. I went to the breastfeeding section, and he says there's no problem with extended bf'ing, it won't make dc too dependent or spoiled or any of that. But from what I read, it didn't really seem like he was pressing it as being the BEST thing you can do, kwim?


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Yes, I feel he is like a gateway drug too -- great analogy!

I think he is wayyyy too mainstream for my liking in many ways, however, it is probably a book I would gift someone with who was *open* to exploring new ways of thinking about parenting but who I thought may dismiss more *crunchy* ways completely kwim?

I would rather have someone follow the advice of Sears over 90% of the "parenting" books there are out there...though I am personally way more "out there" than he is in many ways (re:discipline, vax etc)


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hazelnut*
Well again I'm in a rush- but to the inquiry about why he's sexist-- I think a lot of feminist moms find him sexist. In my reading he puts a huge burden on moms and implies that a lot of stuff is solely moms' domain and not dads'. When I read an older (but not old) copy of the pregnancy book from the library, it was filled with sexist stuff imo (No, I'm not going to give my husband "pin-ups" of my pregnant self naked to look at at work). And then there was the email. A friend online emailed a very polite, professional note to him about how something online was turning off feminists, and she wished it could be altered so they wouldn't reject him outright and would get into his ideas more. I'm paraphrasing quickly here, and this was a while ago.. but her email was polite. And his was not. It was very defensive and went on about how thank goodness most women have commone sense or the species would die out, or something ridiculous.

I agree he's pretty sexist - it seems to be like that kind of comes with the territory of being a Christian. Not always, of course, but often.


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## Jennisee (Nov 15, 2004)

Also loving the gateway drug analogy!









I liked a lot of Sear's baby advice--it's ok to cosleep, you can't hold a baby too much, minimize separations, etc. But I felt like he drops a lot of that "APness" once the child hits toddlerhood. Lots of talk about punishment and strict discipline. I've seen some pretty punitive things in the Toddler Forum under the guise of "Dr. Sears says so."

Also, didn't he give advice in one of his books along the lines of, "Well, if you must spank, this is how to go about it?"


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

"The worst parenting book in the world will still have 10% reasonable advice, the best parenting book in the world will still have 10% advice you should take with a grain of salt."


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## gentle_mama04 (Dec 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah*
I agree he's pretty sexist - it seems to be like that kind of comes with the territory of being a Christian. Not always, of course, but often.

Could we please not make assumptions of others?

Back to the OP...
I don't agree with his stance on vaxing and treating ailments, but then again I don't agree with a lot of people. I like the fact that I can quote a doctor to someone who praises them about co-sleeping or EBF.


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## Maman*Musique (May 13, 2005)

Stance on vax, circ, homebirth, discipline, homophobic comments, formula ads previously on his website.

I like that he advocates slinging, breastfeeding and nightime parenting and that he has mass appeal and is able to get the word out about AP and it being ok to hold and nurture babies.

I honestly have trouble buying anymore of his books because I don't feel like I want to contribute money to people who are anti gay marriage or have other ignorant views. It's tough because I know for a lot of moms Sears is the doc who supports them and who they can cite when defending their parenting to those who critisize.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Yeah, I like the "gateway drug" analogy too.

But personally I don't like Sears. He is homophobic, for one thing. In his book for fathers, there is a section at the back about how homosexuality is bad and it's up to fathers to teach their children appropriate gender roles.

I never read another word of Sears after I read that. And what I read before that included lots of pressure on mamas, assumptions that ppl are married and middle class, and a conservative Christian subtext to the writing, which I don't relate to.


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

Interesting. I didn't know about his sexism or his homophobia. That makes me kindof sad


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

He said that in the fathers' book?! Jeez. Well, I guess that was what I read between the lines in the Baby Book and Pregnancy Book, but thought it was more subtle. I didn't know he was anti-gay marriage. That bothers me about him too, personally.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Wow, had no clue that he was anti-gay marriage. sad.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maman*Musique*
Stance on vax, circ, *homebirth*, discipline, homophobic comments, formula ads previously on his website.

Are you saying he is against homebirth? because it was my understanding that many of the Sears kids were born at home, and he definitely advocates for homebirth in his birth book.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

I just happened upon this post. I had no idea that it existed. Please feel free to poke me in the ribs with a PM if I overlook a thread that I am supposed to reply to.









I haven't read all of the responses. But Dr. Sears is very mainstream in his authoritarian discipline use of timeouts and non-physical punishments and rewards for modifying behavior from my perspective. I come from a Consensual Living pov where these are not utilized or advocated. Furthermore, I believe that he provides a wonderful bridge to mainstream parents to move toward attuned and responsive parenting of infants. However, his respect for the child's perspective seems to be superceded by the parent's pov at about age 15-24 months and on. Basically, when the child starts "talking back", they are taught to obey, or else. The use of fear and intimidation is not gentle discipline, imo. Although, it is certainly positive compared to physical discipline. I believe that there is a place for both, when other tools are not known, available or approachable.

I love Dr. Sears. But, I don't advocate his discipline advice.

Pat


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnysideup*
Are you saying he is against homebirth? because it was my understanding that many of the Sears kids were born at home, and he definitely advocates for homebirth in his birth book.

My understanding is that he delivered some of his children at home but because he is a doctor it is "OK" in his mind. From what I remember, he does support homebirth if a doc can be present. But "mere" midwives just do not cut it in his book.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper*
My understanding is that he delivered some of his children at home but because he is a doctor it is "OK" in his mind. From what I remember, he does support homebirth if a doc can be present. But "mere" midwives just do not cut it in his book.

I recently read The BirthBook by Sears and he is really positive about homebirth and midwives. Here's what he says _"It took us three births to realize that, with all do respect to the medical profession, the majority of laboring women need more than an obstetrician has to offer..."_ he goes on with some positive reasons to use midwives. He _does_ say he doesn't think midwives are _better_ than OBs. But, he definitely doesn't say that dr.s are better than midwives.


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama*
Yeah, I like the "gateway drug" analogy too.

But personally I don't like Sears. He is homophobic, for one thing. In his book for fathers, there is a section at the back about how homosexuality is bad and it's up to fathers to teach their children appropriate gender roles.

I never read another word of Sears after I read that. And what I read before that included lots of pressure on mamas, assumptions that ppl are married and middle class, and a conservative Christian subtext to the writing, which I don't relate to.









:

Really bums me out because until I found this out I would recommend "The Baby Book" to everyone. Can't do that anymore. Need an accessible gateway book by a radical feminist queer AP mama. Get crackin, TM!


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gentle_mama04*
Could we please not make assumptions of others?

You mean not assume that one's inclination to be homophobic and sexist are often related to one's religious persuasion?


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scubamama*

I love Dr. Sears. Pat

Ok, you all have changed my mind. Assuming that these allegations are accurate, and I have no first hand knowledge, I don't love his social/political views it sounds like. But, if I refuse to listen to everyone I don't agree with something they believe, I'd never listen to anyone's advice. Wait, I don't.









Pat


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## Ayala Eilon (Apr 8, 2006)

For me Sears is also way way too mainstream and sexist. I actually wasn't able to finish reading his stuff. I found AP in Mothering without Sears and skipped reading him and went directly to Kohn and Aldort, TCS etc. Taking AP beyond babyhood cannot include punishment and parental control - only love and connection.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Here is an interesting articleabout the Sears formula fiasco. Personally, I see Sears as an industry at this point. It's all about the products and promotions.

Of course, when I read in his Discipline Book that he considers three year olds to be a mother's dream or something like that, I realized he was at the office while Martha was dealing with their three year olds on a 24 hour basis







I find his books to be better than some (and have given them as new baby gifts), but I'll leave it at that


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## kindacrunchy (Jun 25, 2004)

I thought dr. sears was god until i had my second son and my first was running me through the wringer. he says if you practice attachment parenting (which I did to a T with ds 1) then he can accept the needs of the baby and basically be happy being odd man out. WRONG!!! that's when I started to question him. I like the Baby Book but not the Discipline book.


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## lilylove (Apr 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia*
Personally, I see Sears as an industry at this point. It's all about the products and promotions.


Yup, that's pretty much how I see it too.
He may have started off with the best intentions, but now


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

YES I totally agree with this too. I thought his discipline book was just unrealistic and overly simplified. Sometimes, attached children act out anyway, and I resent the implication he makes that you're not attached if they don't always want to listen to you. I thought Anthony Wolf expounded on this idea a little more realistically. I didn't like his discipline book at all, though I didn't finish it b/c I got so frustrated.

Okay, what is TCS?









Quote:


Originally Posted by *kindacrunchy*
I thought dr. sears was god until i had my second son and my first was running me through the wringer. he says if you practice attachment parenting (which I did to a T with ds 1) then he can accept the needs of the baby and basically be happy being odd man out. WRONG!!! that's when I started to question him. I like the Baby Book but not the Discipline book.


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *guerrillamama*







:
Need an accessible gateway book by a radical feminist queer AP mama. Get crackin, TM!

I need a copy of that book too, I have a lesbian mama friend who is expecting and I want to give her a book and never realized Sears had comment against homosexuals in the Baby Book, so that would not be a good way to go for her. Still, she is *very* mainstream in her thinking now, so I need some kind of "gateway" book.







Preferrably someone who is not anti-vax, b/c she is an NP and would likely not be open to that at this point.

PS- does he actually make anti-homosexual comments or just talk about the importance of fathers? I know she would not have a problem with talk of the importance of fathers (she would agree) but if he actually makes negative comments about homosexual people, that would not be a good fit, obviously.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hazelnut*
Okay, what is TCS?










Is there an icon for opening up a can of worms?









Pat


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## CaraboosMama (Mar 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint*
I like Dr. Sears and give his book often to Expectant Moms, IMO, he is like the gateway drug to AP/NFL/GD principals.


I totally agree! I have often reccommended or given his Baby book to new moms who might be a little put off by more "extreme" AP/NFL books.


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## gentle_mama04 (Dec 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah*
You mean not assume that one's inclination to be homophobic and sexist are often related to one's religious persuasion?









I am a Christian and I am NOT homophobic or sexist, neither is my dh. Besides isn't being afraid of gay's and lesbian's the definition of homophobic? Not just thinking it's not right.

Back to your regularly scheduled topic.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia*
Of course, when I read in his Discipline Book that he considers three year olds to be a mother's dream or something like that, I realized he was at the office while Martha was dealing with their three year olds on a 24 hour basis









and herein lies MY beef with Sears. I read his book and got some good ideas from it. It was recommended by my Ped, along with some others. But "Sears" was the only name I could remember because it was short, and so I bought that one.

But part way through it, while nursing the baby and off work for 12 weeks, all I could think of was "Yeah - this be responsive 24/7 and sling the baby wherever you want to go is real EASY for you to say. YOU went work in your doctors office while you WIFE dealt with all of this. It must have been quite the novelty for your to wear your baby a few hours each evening - how lucky for you. And how GRANDE you could buy Martha a fancy sling for evening wear and take the baby to a professional reception. Quite the novelty.

The reality of life with a baby (esp in those first 12 weeks) was something I didn't think he quite grasped. It easy to TELL some mother how she's supposed to do something, it's quite another to actually do it. I wanted more acknowledgement of how difficult it was to do what he was outlining - esp in isolated suburban America.

But - the book set the stage for me to eat up the Continuum Concept - so that was good.


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint*
I need a copy of that book too, I have a lesbian mama friend who is expecting and I want to give her a book and never realized Sears had comment against homosexuals in the Baby Book, so that would not be a good way to go for her. Still, she is *very* mainstream in her thinking now, so I need some kind of "gateway" book.







Preferrably someone who is not anti-vax, b/c she is an NP and would likely not be open to that at this point.

PS- does he actually make anti-homosexual comments or just talk about the importance of fathers? I know she would not have a problem with talk of the importance of fathers (she would agree) but if he actually makes negative comments about homosexual people, that would not be a good fit, obviously.

He actually does make "homosexuality is bad" comments in his book for dads. I don't own the book or have the actual quote, but I believe I read it somewhere on MDC. (And then checked it myself.)


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gentle_mama04*
I am a Christian and I am NOT homophobic or sexist, neither is my dh. Besides isn't being afraid of gay's and lesbian's the definition of homophobic? Not just thinking it's not right.

Back to your regularly scheduled topic.









That great! I know a lot of Christians are like you, but I don't think anyone can argue that there aren't also a lot of Christians that are homophobic and sexist, and use the argument that the bible teaches them so. Whether or not you interpret it that way, THEY do.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

I just want to know what "TCS" stands for. I read here all the time and have a slew of gentle discipline books, so I'm guessing the concept isn't going to be that foreign to me and I'm not asking for an explanation of it.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hazelnut*
I just want to know what "TCS" stands for. I read here all the time and have a slew of gentle discipline books, so I'm guessing the concept isn't going to be that foreign to me and I'm not asking for an explanation of it.


"Taking Children Seriously", I believe. Kinda like consensual living, but different in some ways. I think UnSchoolnMa does it.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hazelnut*
I just want to know what "TCS" stands for. I read here all the time and have a slew of gentle discipline books, so I'm guessing the concept isn't going to be that foreign to me and I'm not asking for an explanation of it.

TCS stands for Taking Children Seriously: www.takingchildrenseriously.com

Or here are some archived TCS threads: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...splay.php?f=75

We don't practice TCS. We do practice Consensual Living, which includes parent's consent, not just children's: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consensual-living/

Here are some more GD definitions: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ht=definitions

Here is a thread titled "What is TCS?": http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ght=definition

Pat


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gentle_mama04*
I am a Christian and I am NOT homophobic or sexist, neither is my dh. Besides isn't being afraid of gay's and lesbian's the definition of homophobic? Not just thinking it's not right.

Back to your regularly scheduled topic.









That is great! Unfortunately, many Christians do use the Bible to justify ugly discrimination against gay and lesbian people. Sadly, it is the rationalization I have heard most often for such discrimination. Not trying to offend, but I have also seen much sexism and violence against children (whipping with the rod) also rationalized by Christian beliefs. It is refreshing to meet Christians who reject violence, sexism, homophobia, etc.

Also, ignorance and fear are closely related. Ignorant people fear the unknown (whether the unknown be homosexual people, women, disabled people, etc.). Thus, the word "homophobia" to describe those who are fearful and/or discriminatory/hateful toward homosexual persons based on ignorance.

I like Dr. Sears for the most part. It's disheartening to learn that he is a homophobe.


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah*
You mean not assume that one's inclination to be homophobic and sexist are often related to one's religious persuasion?









Just wanted to stick up for Christianity, too. What the Bible says about familial roles I don't take to mean just "because I said so", it's also "because it works (for many people)".

I'm still in the process of shifting my mindset from "How dare he tell me what to do/judge my lifestyle" to being open to the idea that 'traditional' family roles have some merit and do make life easier in many ways. And, I believe Dr. Sears is coming at it from that angle -- in a helpful way, not a hateful, exclusionary, sexist way.

Christianity has got to work on its marketing tactics...


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Peppermint, here's the Sears debate thread I was thinking of:
http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...ars+homophobic

quotes on homosexuality found in posts # 53, 74, 75.

Jill, I don't feel like getting into the whole christianity/homophobia debate w you, but I'm queer and I'm telling you Dr Sears' words feel pretty hateful, exclusionary, and sexist to me.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

The Christianity/homophobic, etc. topic would be a rich thread to discuss in Religious Studies







I invite y'all to start one over there...it would be great to see new faces


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

I think the key with reading anyone's opinion on parenting is to remember that it is just that, their opinion. I've read Sears and I like a lot of what he has to say, so I integrate that into my parenting because I feel like it "fits" and I leave the rest. I read Kohn's Unconditional Parenting and I use it in the same way, I take what fits for my family and I leave the rest. I feel that to follow one person's theory or opinion as to the correct way to parent can influence us to ignore our natural instincts as parents and follow what one person says is the "right" way to do it. Heck, even Ezzo has a loyal following -- blech. Perhaps if those who follow Ezzo to a "T" would read some Sears or Kohn, they could find ways to integrate some of that thinking into their parenting too. It would make for happier kids for them.

I just don't believe that any stranger who has never met me or my familiy should tell me how I should be raising my family. I need to be responsible enough to make my own parenting decisions. This doesn't mean that those here who really like Kohn (or whoever), and follow his advice haven't done their homework, I just mean that if we are going to let the opinions and advice of others guide our parenting, be it through books, videos, etc, we need to have a wide range of experiences to draw from. These "experts" are experts mainly because they say they are, not because there is any litmus test given. I could write a book, site studies that say what I want them to say, but should people really follow my advice as an "expert" in the field? Goodness gracious, I should hope not.







The same should go for Sears, Kohn and even Ezzo or the Pearls.


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

My gateway drug was The Big Rumpus









Not exactly an information book, but a great read!


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

Another Christian/Catholic who is quite NOT homophobic and very much in favor of gay marriage









Really too bad about Sears. I had lots of respect for him until now


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## kindacrunchy (Jun 25, 2004)

Whoever was saying that Sears is too commercial now, get this. I'm at the grocery store, and there is a Dr. Sears cereal! And my friend went to some nutrition seminar given by his son and they were pushing some vitamin. Crazyiness!


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kindacrunchy*
Whoever was saying that Sears is too commercial now, get this. I'm at the grocery store, and there is a Dr. Sears cereal! And my friend went to some nutrition seminar given by his son and they were pushing some vitamin. Crazyiness!

Mmmm. Mighty Bites! We love them! There's a little picture of him on the back, too.


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## kindacrunchy (Jun 25, 2004)

That's hilarious! i bet they are good!


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kindacrunchy*
That's hilarious! i bet they are good!

They are awesome! I didn't realize they were his cereal, thought he just gave his old ringing endorsement. My dd just finished ours off, and ds is upset.

So- no gateway books for the lesbian mama? Bummer. I'll just have to give the Baby Book and make sure she doesn't read the Father's book














.


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## writermommy (Jan 29, 2005)

I really like Dr. Sears. I am still grateful to have found him 8 years ago when dd #1 was a baby. He was the voice of reason for me when EVERYONE I knew was telling me to: not let the baby sleep in our room, let her CIO, don't hold her all the time or you'll spoil her, formula is good, she need to be on a schedule, blah, blah, blah. Seriously, this was the crap I was getting from all sides. If I hadn't found him, I may actually have listened to this nonsense. I'm still so happy to have found an expert to quote in the face of these comments. Somehow, when I told people he was a doctor with eight children, they shut up and listened. That was very valuable to me.

I don't really know about his political/religious views. I just enjoyed reading advice from someone who wasn't telling me to torture my brand new baby girl! Like all parenting advice, I take what I like and ignore the rest. I do that with all advice, in books and online. Each of us knows our children best and do what works in our homes. I wouldn't follow ANY book or expert completely.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint*
So- no gateway books for the lesbian mama? Bummer. I'll just have to give the Baby Book and make sure she doesn't read the Father's book














.

You could try Becoming The Parent You Want To Be. It's not as ap as Dr. Sears. But VERY gd (more gd than sears, I'd say). The worst part of the discipline chapter is one page that talks about time out, and different ways to do it, some limitations, and alternatives, etc. It is VERY anti spanking, and there's a section on why punishment doesn't work.
The sleep section talks about "doing what's right for your family." So, at least it says co-sleeping is ok, and it's not going to harm your kids, and it might even say it is beneficial in some ways. It has a section titled "children learn independence in many ways" saying that co-sleeping kids have plenty of ways to learn independence, and that its a myth that they will become overdependent. It doesn't seem to promote any type of sleep arrangement over another.
And it doesn't talk about breastfeeding or bottle feeding. It just assumes that you're doing what you're doing. The weaning section is worded for both.

I'm skimming through it right now. It has a paragraph on the "problems with praise", one section says how parents can model healthy responses for their own mistakes. It says "It's a baby's job to cry. And it's our job as parents to respond." and talks about how tantrums are developmentally appropriate, and kinda tells about how tantrums build over many disappointments, and they are not necessarily an attempt to "manipulate". It goes on to talk about a bunch of way to handle tantrums, from empathizing, to "you can be compasionate and still hold your ground". There's a section on food, and basically trust your child to eat well, if you provide healthy food.

So, not ap. I guess if you wanted a book to promote cosleeping and bf'ing, this is NOT your book. lol. But...it still has a way of appealing to mainstream parents, and it promotes a lot of respect for kids.
Here's the site. http://www.becomingtheparent.com/intro/intro2.html

It says this in the section on "parenting with a partner" - "While for many the notion of parenting with a partner implies a spouse or a life partner..." I didn't see anything anti-gay in my skimming. It seems like they take care to include all types of parenting couples.


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## paxye (Mar 31, 2005)

I love the "gateway drug" analogy









For me Sears is really too mainstream and seems to focus too much on the physical aspects of AP instead of the Attachment theory...
He may have coined the term AP but has not evolved along with the theory and has not gone to the extent of others.
This is what makes it hard for me to visit more mainstream AP sites, so many people believe that you just have to breastfeed, co-sleep and wear your baby and that automatically makes you AP...
The Sears' 7 B's have become a checklist and even then the last one prevails over anything.... "Balance" seems to excuse any kind of parenting behaviour because Balance in the Family is what is most important (even though the baby is not part of that balance at all)... thiis has become a "loophole" for CIO, Formula feeding by choice etc...
I did like some of the things in the Baby Book.... A lot better then "What to be terrified of"...

Anyways... I wrote an entry on my blog a bit about this a while back if anyone is interested...

The Label of Attachment Parenting


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## Jennisee (Nov 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paxye*
The Sears' 7 B's have become a checklist and even then the last one prevails over anything.... "Balance" seems to excuse any kind of parenting behaviour because Balance in the Family is what is most important (even though the baby is not part of that balance at all)... thiis has become a "loophole" for CIO, Formula feeding by choice etc...

I completely agree with this. I have been shocked to see CIO defended as AP "because Dr. Sears says balance is okay." (Or even "because Dr. Jay Gordon says it's ok." But I guess that's a seperate thread entirely, LOL.)


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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

Don't like his theory on the father having basically "no role" with the new baby until . . . .what does he say . . . age two? I don't know why someone who has 50% as much to do with that child being in the world as the mother should be so excluded? It really bugs me . . . . .


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## pandora665 (Mar 13, 2006)

I think Dr. Sears is a very good introduction to more AP style parenting for those people who haven't really considered how they are going to parent yet. For instance, I went in to have a massage early in my 1st trimester, and my masseuse, who was a "total home-birthing hippie" (her words, not mine







) asked me what books I'd bought. I told her the WTEWYE book and Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. She highly recommended Dr. Sears as an alternate pregancy book. I ended up looking him up online. For a moderately main-stream medicalized gal, I thought his ideas were very good as a starting point.

Before looking up Dr. Sears, I planned to breastfeed and not circ any son of mine. Also no spanking, hitting, etc for discipline. That was about it. I hadn't really formed opinions on many other aspects of parenting.

Now, I plan to cosleep, cloth diaper, GD, baby wear in addition to all the above. Not all because of Dr. Sears, but b/c it was a "gentle" introduction to the idea of AP, which got me thinking as to what my and DH's plan should be.

just my opinion,
erin


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