# Out of control 18 yr old son



## confusedmamabear (Jun 15, 2016)

Well where do I start? My son graduated highschool, got a car, turned 18, began working for a grocery store, got his driving permit and enrolled in college. You would think good job. Nope my son thinks hes a grown man can come in and out when he pleases. He barely graduated his grandfather gave him the car i totally enrolled him in college and did the job application on line for him all he did was show up for interview. He has no respect for me anymore. I honestly dont know this young boy that i calls me mom from time to time. Is their anyone that can relate to me or offer me advice?


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Well, he is a grown man. Legally. He's 18. So he can, in fact, come and go as he pleases. That's not out of control, that's him making decisions appropriate to his age. He's not a young boy, he's a young man.

You have done a lot of things for him that strike me as over the line of parental favors - stop helping him find jobs, don't enroll him in college. 

Aside from keeping his own schedule, what behavior of his do you think is out of line?


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

Respect is a complicated thing. There comes a point when if you don't have enough self-esteem and self-respect, you can't really feel respect for others. It sounds like he's been helped along and propped up and supported to the point where he hasn't really earned the comforts, privileges and successes he's enjoying. Because he hasn't done the work, he doesn't feel the satisfaction.

I am guessing that he just graduated a couple of weeks ago? If so, presumably he's not actually started college yet, has only had one or two paycheques from work, and has only been in his new post-secondary role for a few weeks. It's important that you do a bit of careful work setting up the framework for a new relationship with your ds as an adult so that you aren't enabling avoidant or thoughtless behaviour. If you're worried that he hasn't learned to take responsibility for himself and his life and his choices, make sure you're not coddling and controlling him and insulating him from the consequences of poor choices. That doesn't mean you don't support him: he might need information, and help creating structure, and advice about problem-solving. But don't do the work _for_ him, because only through earning his accomplishments will he develop the self-respect and self-esteem he needs to move forward into independent adult life.

About "coming and going as he pleases." I have parented four teenagers, and regardless of your philosophy on parental authority over children, I think there comes a time -- by 18 at the latest -- when it's important to give young people the right to come and go as they please. I don't have rules to control when my husband comes and goes, and it's the same with my kids once they're older teens.

However, just as I expect to hear from my husband if his plans change and he's not going to be home when he'd originally said, I expect that of my teens. It's a courtesy that keeps me from worrying about the people I love, and it helps with meal-planning, transportation-brokering and other household management. My 17yo will text me at 1 a.m. to say "movie marathon, going to stay over at Danielle's" if she has decided not to come home by 2 after all. I'll probably be asleep when that text arrives, but it'll be there on my phone if I wake up and am about to start worrying that she's not home. I would never text her back and so "No, you come home now. We agreed you'd be home by 2, so you come home, or else!" I might text "Thanks!" That's all.

It's about communication and caring, not control. There's no request for permission. It's about information. If you haven't already, I would make this distinction very clear to your ds. You won't tell him when to come home. He doesn't need your permission to leave. But as long as he's living with you he needs to adult up and _inform_ you about his comings and goings.

Miranda


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

I found that the more helpful I was in supporting my daughter's independence the more cooperative and respectful she was. So if she drank or stayed out too late or went somewhere that wasn't a good choice my insistence on information and respect was balanced by the fact that I had given her money for the evening or welcomed her friends to the house for the night. This isn't a tit-for-tat, as in I purchased her obligation, it's cooperation where we are looking out for one another and appreciate each other.

Think about ways you can show your son you care and support his independence. When he realizes that there's nothing to rebel against at home and that you still enjoy spending time with him because you love him hopefully this phase will pass.

Does he not want to college and this is why you enrolled him? Or just that he couldn't get his act together to get it done? These distinctions are important. You have to begin to accept his choices, understanding that they are coming from a very young adult.

It was especially helpful for me to remember the challenges excitement and anxieties of that age and to give my child the relationship I would have wanted from my mother at that age.


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

MeepyCat said:


> what behavior of his do you think is out of line?


and what standards are you holding him to?

He will be making his own life from now on and though you care and he is living in your home we have to learn to let our children make their own choices. He did graduate, though barely, and he is holding down a job. Maybe he hasn't found himself yet, his future is entirely unwritten. He needs a ream of paper and a pack of pens, not a script.

It's very hard for everyone when kids transition to adulthood, hang in there

:Hug


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

OK, one other point and that is that it's never too late to change your child's perception of you, so if you've been overbearing or emotional or if you allow other children or your partner to disrespect you, you can start changing that right now. Family dynamics often color all our relationships. You get to choose who you are, what role you accept and how you refuse maltreatment. You will always set an example for your son no matter how old you both are.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

He is 18. If you and he cannot come to an agreement about house rules and respect, he can find his own place. That is a last resort, though, not a first step. What have you tried to help the situation? And are your expectations really reasonable? I would think a working adult *should* be able to come and go as he pleases, although it would be courteous for him to give you an idea of his schedule or call/text you if plans change.

If you aren't happy with his lack of initiative, stop doing things for him. I know I would not have been pleased if my mother picked out my job and college when I was 18.


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## oldsmom (Jul 8, 2015)

confusedmamabear said:


> Well where do I start? My son graduated highschool, got a car, turned 18, began working for a grocery store, got his driving permit and enrolled in college. You would think good job. Nope my son thinks hes a grown man can come in and out when he pleases. He barely graduated his grandfather gave him the car i totally enrolled him in college and did the job application on line for him all he did was show up for interview. He has no respect for me anymore. I honestly dont know this young boy that i calls me mom from time to time. Is their anyone that can relate to me or offer me advice?


If he is attending college, showing up for his job, and paying for the expenses for the car, he's doing okay for an 18 year old. In that situation some expectations for personal independence are reasonable but the two of you need to set up some ground rules for respect.

If he's not doing those things, then that's a different story.

Is he's attending his classes and job?


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## LaurieACouture (Apr 17, 2012)

*Adolescent trauma*

My specialty is in children and adolescents with behavioral and emotional struggles, especially older adolescents. Your son sounds like he is struggling with some trauma and attachment issues that may have been simmering for many years. There is not a simple solution that is a quick fix, but the first step to healing your son's behavior is to heal your relationship with him. What are his emotional needs right now? What is his suffering telling you? Rather than respond with anger or negativity, try responding with compassion. Youth act out when their needs are unmet or when they are hurting inside. Contrary to our society's belief that 18 year olds are "adults", your son is still an adolescent and will be until his pre-frontal cortex finishes developing, aprox. around age 26. There is still a lot of hope. However, the first step is to take an honest look at his life and find out where the healing is needed in your relationship.


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## nhyrum (Sep 16, 2014)

That sounds a lot like me and my mom at that age. How I learned was crash and burn. I didn't make any horrible decisions. But flunking my first two semesters at college was an eye opener that I needed to get my priorities straight. Be supportive. Be a safe place where he can come to you for help and advice. I didn't feel that way with my parents. I felt that if I came to them I would be a total failure and they would treat me as such. I'm not much past that age now, I'm still learning, but I've made better decisions(i think mainly because the wife helps me not make stupid decisions, she's a good one) and now have a direction in my life. When I was 18 I had no direction I wanted my life to go, so, in the words of Robert Louis Stevenson in Alice in Wonderland, it didn't matter which way I went. Once he finds a direction he wants to go, things will be straightened out. Unless he becomes a drug lord... But I don't think that will happen.


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## Angela BC (Feb 20, 2008)

Following...I am in a scarily similar situation. I have let go of the curfew rules, but to refer back to the "drug lord" comment; what if I suspect he is using drugs? Taking this discussion perhaps in a new direction, what is our responsibility/role as parents of an 18-year-old living at home, using marijuana for sure and perhaps other drugs? How much to worry? Re-hab as a suggestion or an expectation?


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

LaurieACouture said:


> Contrary to our society's belief that 18 year olds are "adults", your son is still an adolescent and will be until his pre-frontal cortex finishes developing, aprox. around age 26.


Although there is science to back up fact that the pre-frontal cortex continues to develop into our 20s, I disagree with the notion that this means that 18 year olds aren't adults.

They are adults, and infantilizing them doesn't do them any good. They can make real decisions about their lives (including joining the military) and they are held fully responsible for their choices through our legal system.

Parents believing and acting on "you're not a real adult" is insulting and degrading, and further erodes the relationship. To me, it sounds like this mother/son relationship is already a difficult one, encouraging her to treat him as less than an adult won't help.

I personally believe that empowering our young adults and transitioning to an adult/adult relationship is far more helpful to them than pretending that they need us to a degree that they just don't.

I do agree with you that connecting emotionally rather than reacting with anger or negativity is helpful in all relationships.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

Angela BC said:


> Following...I am in a scarily similar situation. I have let go of the curfew rules, but to refer back to the "drug lord" comment; what if I suspect he is using drugs? Taking this discussion perhaps in a new direction, what is our responsibility/role as parents of an 18-year-old living at home, using marijuana for sure and perhaps other drugs? How much to worry? Re-hab as a suggestion or an expectation?


I think marijuana should be legal, but that's another discussion, and the fact is that it is not legal. I would have no problem telling my adult child that I will not allow illegal drugs in the house. I would offer rehab if she could not stop using the drugs on her own, but if she continued to use them she would not be allowed to live here.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

Linda on the move said:


> They are adults, and infantilizing them doesn't do them any good. They can make real decisions about their lives (including joining the military) and they are held fully responsible for their choices through our legal system.


Brava! And furthermore, I think that there's good evidence that the brain continues to evolve throughout life. Some aspects of the brain are most finely tuned in early adolescence (reaction time, for instance), some in late adolescence (eg. mathematical ability), and there's evidence that executive function begins a relentless decline at about age 27. Just because the brain continues to change after age 18 doesn't mean an 18yo isn't capable of independence, responsibility and self-determination. (Nor does it mean that people over 27 aren't... )



chickabiddy said:


> I think marijuana should be legal, but that's another discussion, and the fact is that it is not legal.


If Angela is, as her username implies, in BC, then it's oddly almost-legal. The Canadian government has announced plans to decriminalize it by early 2017, the political parties have called for police to stop charging people with possession in the meantime, and in BC where I also live, there are lots of store-front dispensaries operating openly and without interference. My little city of 10,000 has six such dispensaries including two on the picturesque main street, and the mayor recently hosted an "empowering women entrepreneurs in the cannabis industry" symposium.

Miranda


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## mum4vr (Jan 31, 2007)

First, yes, I can relate to your feelings! {{{hugs}}}

Second, ITA with everything moominmama said-- it is some of the best advice for parents of young adults ever!



MeepyCat said:


> Well, he is a grown man. Legally. He's 18. So he can, in fact, come and go as he pleases.


I would add-- as long as he demonstrates the same respect for others in the household that you & any other adults are expected to display.



MeepyCat said:


> You have done a lot of things for him that strike me as over the line of parental favors - stop helping him find jobs, don't enroll him in college.


True for a young adult; whereas a younger/ minor teenage child may need this type of help... but I would question whether a teen who needs help applying for a job or enrolling in college is ready for that responsibility...?



pumabearclan said:


> He needs a ream of paper and a pack of pens, not a script.
> 
> It's very hard for everyone when kids transition to adulthood, hang in there
> 
> :Hug


Also true!



LaurieACouture said:


> Rather than respond with anger or negativity, try responding with compassion.


Although I also specialize in dealing with troubled youth, and I do not perceive any overt signs of struggles or trauma here (without knowing a lot more about your family and the situation), this is sage advice. You cannot go wrong treating people (especially family members!) with respect and compassion, as you would like toward yourself.

Wanting to make his own schedule at age 18 while demonstrating adequate responsibility in work and school does not indicate a major crisis in his life or your relationship; rather it is a normal developmental milestone-- this is what you worked so hard for & sacrificed so much to achieve-- you have raised your son (sounds like) quite well & now he is a young man! Congratulations!

And parents still being in the habit of helping with things he can & should do himself is also not uncommon during this transition time, but I would say, it is time to stop. Not that you don't support & help if something is hugely out of his ken (like if his first apartment burns down & he needs to fill out his first ever insurance claim, move back home for a while, etc, do help!), but everyday life things he is capable of handling, he should be handling (like filling out applications & enrollment forms). The reason is because doing things for him he is capable of & responsible for doing himself may send the message that you, his parent see him as incompetent-- this may undermine his self-esteem and damage your relationship if it continues.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

moominmamma said:


> If Angela is, as her username implies, in BC, then it's oddly almost-legal. The Canadian government has announced plans to decriminalize it by early 2017, the political parties have called for police to stop charging people with possession in the meantime, and in BC where I also live, there are lots of store-front dispensaries operating openly and without interference. My little city of 10,000 has six such dispensaries including two on the picturesque main street, and the mayor recently hosted an "empowering women entrepreneurs in the cannabis industry" symposium.


Oh, didn't think about that. (I live in a conservative rural area of the US and it's nothing like that here.) That would change my answer, which was based on the knowledge that *I* would be arrested and penalized if illegal drugs were in my house even if they "belonged" to my kid. If legality was not an issue then I would focus on whether the drug use impacted my kid's ability to work/school/be productive, and I would address it in the same way I would address other impediments. I would still offer rehab under any circumstances.


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

Angela BC said:


> Following...I am in a scarily similar situation. I have let go of the curfew rules, but to refer back to the "drug lord" comment; what if I suspect he is using drugs? Taking this discussion perhaps in a new direction, what is our responsibility/role as parents of an 18-year-old living at home, using marijuana for sure and perhaps other drugs? How much to worry? Re-hab as a suggestion or an expectation?


I would get some professional advice before addressing a drug issue with your adult child living at home. An adult can move out and there is nothing you can do about it, and if the child is already making bad choices it isn't likely he/she will decide to move into a better direction. What a child in crisis needs is unconditional love and support from a parent.

That said, the issue of accepting different values between parents and adult children has to be recognized. This may sound horrible and I don't advocate breaking the law but to be realistic, if an underage child has a few drinks in a safe and responsible way and isn't destructive to self or others I'm kind not worried about it. An adult smoking weed at times isn't so bad either IMO except that it's generally illegal which is a big concern because of the risk of being caught. Personally I don't think it necessarily leads to hard drugs or crime, that is just my opinion. I wasn't thrilled to learn that my child goes to hookah lounges a few times a month, but she hasn't taken up daily smoking or cigarettes and I addressed the risks of this choice directly. I felt she was honest and although it's not my favorite of her choices I trust her to make her own choices.

You do have the authority to decide if illegal activity or violence or disrespect happens in your home of course.


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## mum4vr (Jan 31, 2007)

ITA also with Linda on the move's post! Well said.



Angela BC said:


> what if I suspect he is using drugs?


idk-- what would you do if an adult house mate/ room mate was using drugs? Behave accordingly since that is what he is now.

What I would do with an unproven suspicion is have a frank respectful conversation about what created that suspicion.

What I would do with proven/ acknowledged illegal activity is re-iterate the house rules that no illegal activity is allowed in the home, offer to assist with finding & beginning rehab if needed as a condition of that party remaining in the home. As in, "You need to stop the illegal activity immediately or leave the home; we can look up some assistance program (if needed) right now, and I can take you there in the morning." It is only fair to the others in the home whom this is sure to effect.

as chickabiddy said already-- 


chickabiddy said:


> I would have no problem telling my adult child that I will not allow illegal drugs in the house. I would offer rehab if she could not stop using the drugs on her own, but if she continued to use them she would not be allowed to live here.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

mum4vr said:


> we can look up some assistance program (if needed)


The "if needed" proviso is very important, though, especially if we are talking specifically about cannabis. If so, it likely comes down to an issue of differing values, not drug addiction. Imagine if you were an American working on contract in Saudi Arabia and you occasionally discretely had a glass of wine at someone's apartment. It's illegal to drink alcohol there, but your pattern of use is entirely within the realm of normal and healthy in your native cultural context. You wouldn't need rehab or AA. You might do well to reconsider the legal risks of your behaviour, but you're not an alcoholic.

Miranda


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## Lindaguitar (Aug 18, 2012)

*18 y.o. son "out of control"?*

Is your son speaking to you disrespectfully, all the time, or doing anything dangerous or illegal? You say he's "out of control" just for wanting to come and go as he pleases. Are YOU "out of control" for wanting to come and go as you please? Your son has the same rights, as an adult, that you do. You shouldn't be trying to control him, at the age of 18.

When you filled out the job and college applications for him, was it because he asked you to? If he wanted or needed your help, then it was kind of you to help him. I hope you showed how to do it, as you were typing, so that he learned how to do it himself the next time. (If he didn't ask for your help, then why did you do it?) But that doesn't mean that he owes it to you to let you dictate when he can leave the house or come home.

I suspect that if you sit down and have an adult discussion with him, where you ask him, politely, to let you know if he's going to be out especially late (or stay overnight at a friend's house), so that you won't worry, he will probably agree to that.

If he's earning his own income now, you could reasonably ask him to chip in towards some of the household bills, and some of his own food. You might even ask him if he would like your help in setting up a budget for his income and expenses. But if he says no, then that's his right.

Of course, if he is really "out of control", in that he is behaving recklessly, abusing drugs or alcohol, not taking responsibility for his own stuff, or stealing or damaging your stuff, or is causing some kind of real problems, then you have the right to insist that he move out. But holding down a job and being enrolled in college hardly sounds like "out of control".

You said he doesn't respect you anymore. In my experience, respect has to be mutual, and neither party can act like a tyrant. And, in my experience, treating grown kids (and even teens) with the same dignity, respect, and trust that I want to be treated with has always led to a harmonious relationship.

Both of my kids started working (and started community college) when they were 18. They started paying for their own cell phone bills, their share of the car insurance on OUR car, that they drove, and bought some of their own food. We had to set all of our schedules around shared cars, for a few years. Once my son got his own car, I would never have dreamed of telling him when he could and couldn't be out, or come home. Both of my kids were always considerate enough to be quiet if they come home while I'm asleep, or to let me know if they were going to be out late or overnight.

Generally, if you treat your adult children with respect and dignity and kindness, they will treat you that way.


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## wild1forever (Aug 26, 2004)

Lots of good comments here!

I have a 19-year-old who can indeed "come and go as he pleases;" however, I continue to emphasize that common courtesy still applies: what are you doing, when will you be home, etc.

Regarding college enrollment and job interviews, the only thing I have done is to manage the financial aid process (FAFSA, etc). I did nothing regarding college applications or job applications, and do not intend to. 

Mamabear, my humble opinion is that your son cannot have it both ways. If he thinks he can come and go as he pleases, he cannot have his mommy filling out his college apps and finding him jobs. With adult privileges come adult responsibilities.

Best of luck to you. This age is definitely a time of transition for both of you!


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## crazyms (Jan 8, 2010)

I didn't finish reading the responses as we're heading out but I agree with everything I did read above in the responses. An 18 year old is a legal adult.

I focus on raising my children to be respectful, good citizens of the world with the life skills to survive on their own (although hopefully with the help and support of family and others around them  ). I wouldn't be doing everything for an 18 year old but I would be there for help, advice, and support as needed or requested. Even at younger ages my kids take responsibility for decisions and behaviors as it's age appropriate.

We have house rules. Everyone living in our home regardless of age is expected to follow these. My adult children will be allowed to live here as long as they show respect for other family members and follow house rules, same as the rest of us. 

Adults can come and go as they please. We do have a house rule about leaving information on where/who/when though as this protects you from harm (in case of an accident or other) and allows the rest of the family peace from worrying about you as well as they ability to plan their day with respect to your plans. This goes for everyone! Children and adults even my husband and myself.

Weed/drugs are a separate issue. They are illegal and illegal activities aren't allowed in my home even for adults. If weed wasn't illegal then it'd fall under adult choice. We don't allow smoking inside our home though so weed would have to be smoked outside (if it were legal). Again, follow house rules and have respect for others. It really is that simple here regardless of age.


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

wild1forever said:


> Mamabear, my humble opinion is that your son cannot have it both ways. If he thinks he can come and go as he pleases, he cannot have his mommy filling out his college apps and finding him jobs. With adult privileges come adult responsibilities.


I disagree with this to an extent.

First of all, I'm not clear from the original post whose idea it was that the mom fill out the college application and find him a job. Did the parent do the college application because the son is not at all sure he wants to attend college and hadn't made a firm choice yet? Did she step in and do the job application for him to be helpful and to expedite the process, without being asked to? If so, then it's not a case of the 18-year-old trying to 'have it both ways.' Rather it's the case of a parent who isn't yet giving her adult child appropriate autonomy and responsibility.

Second, I honestly don't think that "coming and going as you please" is a freedom that needs to be reserved for adults. Some families don't give that freedom until their kids are adults but I don't think there's any real logic tying that freedom to adulthood. I think it's one part of what we think of as personal autonomy, and personal autonomy starts very early in life and grows as children mature, at different rates for different families and different kids. My 13-year-old has this freedom and handles it beautifully, as have all my older kids throughout their teen years. I'm not trying to make a case for other families doing the same, just calling into question the assumption that freedom of movement is a special freedom reserved for adults and is therefore laden with a lot of compensatory adult responsibilities. I will certainly be willing to help my 13-year-old with her first job application when the time comes; just because she doesn't have a curfew doesn't mean I won't provide help if she wants it.

Finally, I think there are situations where the entry into independent adulthood needs to be scaffolded to an extent. Readiness for all types of responsibilities doesn't necessarily arise at the same moment in a teen's development and I think it's fine to provide scaffolding if there are areas that would benefit from it -- if the teen wants help in order to learn those skills. Some kids struggle with certain parts of adulting more than others. For my eldest (who suffered from Selective Mutism as a young child) it was making phone calls, and when she asked for help I was certainly willing to help her script her enquiries and practice with me. Even though she was already very adept at handling other adult-y stuff like alcohol use, apartment leasing, job applications and such.

Miranda


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I never recall not being able to come and go as I pleased growing up. I may have told my parents where I was going, but it never occurred to me to get their permission. However, I usually needed my mother to drive me...
We never had curfews.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

wild1forever said:


> Regarding college enrollment and job interviews, the only thing I have done is to manage the financial aid process (FAFSA, etc). I did nothing regarding college applications or job applications, and do not intend to.
> 
> Mamabear, my humble opinion is that your son cannot have it both ways. If he thinks he can come and go as he pleases, he cannot have his mommy filling out his college apps and finding him jobs. With adult privileges come adult responsibilities.


I disagree with you for a couple of reasons. One of them is that she already did those things. They are done. So she needs to let it go and not bring them up again. Ever.

The bottom line is that holding down a job requires showing up on time with a positive attitude and doing everything that is asked of you. If he does that, then he has succeed. If the mother continues to hold "I filled the application out" over his head, then he has zero way to succeed with her. If his mother sets him up so that he cannot succeed with her, he is less likely to succeed in the outside world. The message that "you are a loser and I have to do everything for you" is a heavy one that we can easily teach a teen, and really have a hard time unteaching.

To teach our teens to succeed, we need to focus on the positives, on what they are doing. Showing up and doing a job and getting paid for it is something to celebrate. It's time to let the application crap go. It's over. Celebrate what he did today. This week.

Same thing with college. To succeed, he has to show up and do the work.

Holding the applications over his head is EXTREMELY toxic behavior.



moominmamma said:


> I think there are situations where the entry into independent adulthood needs to be scaffolded to an extent. Readiness for all types of responsibilities doesn't necessarily arise at the same moment in a teen's development and I think it's fine to provide scaffolding if there are areas that would benefit from it


I completely agree with this. One of my young adults (I no longer have children) has a pervasive developmental disability and I'm still scaffolding skills for her. She needed to make a medical appointment this week and I helped her navigate the insurance web site to figure out who she wanted to make the appointment with, and then made the call and handed the phone to her once I had the right person. She will be better able to do this on her own next time.

The fact that she needed *some* help doesn't mean that I will follow up with berating her or taking away privileges. Why would I? She is doing the very best she can right now, and by doing her best, her best will be even better next time.

If you want your young adult to treat you with respect and take responsibility, I believe the first steps are treating them with respect and giving them responsibility.


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## wild1forever (Aug 26, 2004)

Linda on the move said:


> I disagree with you for a couple of reasons. One of them is that she already did those things. They are done. So she needs to let it go and not bring them up again. Ever.
> 
> The bottom line is that holding down a job requires showing up on time with a positive attitude and doing everything that is asked of you. If he does that, then he has succeed. If the mother continues to hold "I filled the application out" over his head, then he has zero way to succeed with her. If his mother sets him up so that he cannot succeed with her, he is less likely to succeed in the outside world. The message that "you are a loser and I have to do everything for you" is a heavy one that we can easily teach a teen, and really have a hard time unteaching.
> 
> ...


I'm not seeing where I suggested that Mamabear should hold ANYTHING over her son's head.

However, she is obviously displeased with her relationship with her son, so as they move forward, something has to change. This message does not have be conveyed in a belittling manner or with a guilt trip attached--for example, she can simply say, "You're getting older and you need to start doing these things for yourself."

Personally, I am baffled by the concept that an 18-year-old cannot fill out his own college application. If he needs help or has specific questions about the process, that is fine. That said, if he is not motivated enough to fill out his own application, how on earth will he be motivated enough to attend classes and succeed?


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

wild1forever said:


> Personally, I am baffled by the concept that an 18-year-old cannot fill out his own college application.


We don't know this. We only know that his mom did it. Maybe she got fed up waiting for him to do it. Maybe his computer wouldn't load the form and she just did it on hers one day when he was at work to make the deadline. Maybe she genuinely thought she was doing him a favour. Maybe the kid really doesn't want to go college at this point and his mom is pushing him into it. There are a number of possibilities that don't have anything to do with the teen's ability to actually fill it out.

It would helpful to get some more info and feedback from confusedmamabear.

Miranda


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