# Gender identity and the 4-year-old - or - My 4 yr. old ds wants to be a girl



## lizabird (Jan 19, 2004)

I am curious about this. In a nutshell, my 4 year old son wants to be a girl.

When he was early in his 3rd year, he said to me one day that he wanted a skirt, so I bought him a skirt. He loved it, so I bought him another. He now has several sets of girl clothes and those are always the ones he chooses first when he picks out his clothes in the morning. He usually only wants to wear boy clothes when all the girl clothes are in the wash (he likes the bright colors, slightly more fitted and stretchy fits, and twirling in skirts). He loves to dress up and play princess with his girl friends.

He tells people he's a girl. He changed his name for a while to a girl name but just a few days ago decided he could use his given name again because it's gender neutral and he's okay that both boys and girls can have the same name. He loves to play with boy toys (cars, trucks, rockets, etc) but just today asked me if girls could be astronauts too, so now he's a girl astronaut.

So, do other 3-4 year old boys also want to be girls? Is my 4 year old son preparing me for a future gender identity crisis? So far pretty much everyone we know is totally cool with him running around in skirts (except for our mailman who thinks it's a bit bizarre...







) Just curious


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

My DS1 prefers "girl clothes" over "boy clothes" because they're prettier. He used to put on dresses when they were available as well. He played Princess and such as well at that age.
He also went through a long period (6 months or so) during which he pretended he was a cat on a near-constant basis.








He still wears "girl pajamas" at times, but is much more conscious of society's gender-based expectations, and conforms more to those now that he's five.
Maybe your son will continue to want to be a girl for years and years, or even the rest of his life. Or maybe it's just a phase. Who knows? No harm in respecting him and his feelings about it, as it seems you're already doing, and just seeing where it goes.


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## zansmama (Feb 17, 2006)

We had a little guy in ds's playgroup who was a girl for about 6 mos... even when the other boys insisted that he must be a boy because he has a penis.
He only wore dresses for quite a while.
But he's been a boy now for a few months, and very insistent about that, too.
I think he was about 3 1/2 to 4 when he was a girl, and it was no big deal. I think that not making a big deal is definitely the best... and he may outgrow it.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

If I remember correctly, kids start asserting their gender identity-- as they see it-- at about 3-4. Right now, my 3 year old insists she's the king, and she will grow up to be daddy. Oh well....she's a very nurturing king....but then again, she has a very nurturing dad,

xoe


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## MotheringHeart (Dec 18, 2005)

I also have a four year old who wears skirts and talks about being a princess, doing princess ballet etc etc. He regularly gets dressed in *girly* leotards and pirouetts about the house with his sister. But then he grabs his trucks and loves to play football etc. I'm totally unconcerned because I know he'll find his way (whatever that is, I've got no expectations). But it is refreshing to hear that other four year old boys are doing the same experimenting!


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## zerby (Mar 28, 2004)

When I was four, my life goal was to be a boy. My name was OK (relatively androgenous) but I was going to grow a penis and a beard when I grew up. As I got older, I accepted more of "societal norms" within my own parameters - for example, I had Barbies with switched gender roles all the time. I am now in my thirties. I am straight. I do not own a dress, not dress shoes. I choose not to wear makeup. I am happy. Looking back on it, the boys/men got to do all of the things that I wanted to do. They drove racecars, engineered trains, got to ride on kick a$$ dirt bike tracks, etc.

I wouldn't worry. Say he grows up to like nice clothing, not a biggie right? I am glad that my family didn't push me out of my wants at that time. I can only imagine what that power struggle would have been like!


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

My 4.5 year old son wants to put on make-up when he sees me do it, he says he wants to look pretty...


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## Heather30ish (Feb 12, 2003)

My six year old went through a phase where he would declare that he wanted to be a girl. I think he was about 4 at the time. We never made too much of it, didn't get him skirts or anything, but didn't discourage him either. I think it lasted about a year and these days, though he still loves to play with girls (as well as boys), he no longer says that he wants to be one.
Pretty normal stuff, I think.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

It may be his true self, but I've met several boys who try on being a girl at around this age and later discard the idea.


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## lizabird (Jan 19, 2004)

Thanks for all the input. I think this is really interesting because he has one other 4 year old boy friend who also occasionally wears skirts, but all the other boys we know seem to be very happy with their boyness.

A few weeks ago we went to a community dance and ds wore his skirt. Then he met another little boy about his age, they played really well together, the other boy was wearing pants and never said anything to ds about his skirt, but after a while ds came back to me and said he was ready to put his pants back on.

I remember not liking most "girl" toys when I was a kid. I had 2 dolls who lived on the floor in my closet, buried under other stuff, and I never ever played with them. I also hated skirts and dresses and only wore one when my mom made me. My favorite toy that I remember as a kid was a big pickup truck that I pushed all over the place and even remember bringing it on vacations with us. I don't remember ever wanting to be a boy, I just wasn't a "girly girl."

I must admit since having 2 boys, it's kind of fun poking around in the girl section of second hand stores to see if we can pick up some cute girl stuff for ds


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## Lingmom (Apr 10, 2007)

If you ever want to watch a great film on the topic, check out the French movie "Life in Pink" about a young boy who wants to be a girl. It's sad and sweet.


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