# can't stop crying, need MAJOR help...14 y/o and lying (long)



## blossomc (Jan 4, 2009)

I am absolutely at a loss and have no idea what to do. I am seriously about to cry right now. Excuse me if this doesn't make much sense. I have one child, age 14. She has also always been GD parented with natural consequences etc. Her bio-dad and I were never married, and haven't been together since before she was born. Still he has always been there for her, my relationship with him is amicable, he pays support and puts money in a bank account for her, I do the same when she is not staying with me. We share custody, though she is with me most times during the week because we unschool. I have married someone when she was 2, and she has a great relationship with her step dad. Her dad never got married, and her entire life he has only had one serious long-term relationship. This brings me to what happened.

Her dad had been dating a woman, A, for 3 years. They never lived together, and she has only spent the night when DD wasn't there. I never met her, and know nothing about her (her occupation etc) because I trust her dad fully. DD has only met her once in passing. Her dad schedules his time with A around his time with DD, because DD is his first priority. He has never broken plans with DD because of A. Also, there has never even so much as a hint of discussion about her dad and A either living together or getting married.

Last week (on the 27th) DD was at her dad's place. He was at work and she was there by herself. I guess she went to the library, because we got a call from ones of the librarians telling us to come because DD needed us right away. When we got there DD was crying and shaking. She told myself and her step-dad that while she was at her dad's place when A came over and let herself in. DD said A didn't know she was there because she was in her room. DD then said that A went into the living room with a white powder, dividing it into piles and putting it into baggies. She also told us that there were all kinds of people coming over and giving A money, and that A was snorting the powder. She said that A had found out she was there and had yelled, and threatened her and called her all kinds of names. She had apparently come to the library crying, and out of concern the librarians asked her about it (the librarians btw are kind of a family friends) Her step-dad and I were shocked, one of the librarians had called the police who came and took DD's statement, and then we took DD home. I called her dad and he was very angry at A and very worried about DD. It later came out that DD lied about the whole thing. A is a police officer in another region, and was testifying in court on the other side of the city from her dad's place all day. She is also a regular blood donor for the past 20 years and had given blood right after DD said this happened. DD had no idea that A was a police officer, and the reason why this all seemed so plausible to her dad is because A is an officer on the drug squad, and there have been problems with corrupt officers in her unit recently.

We have no idea why DD would do such a thing or where she would get such an idea. She hardly watches any TV (We don't have a TV, and her dad has a lock code on his when she stays with him) and doesn't go to school, there haven't been any changes in her life. She doesn't have any step-siblings on either side to feel jealous of, and since A doesn't come around when she is at her dad's it is not like there is a possibility that DD is being displaced or losing her father's attention. We took DD to the doctor, she has no physical problems. We took her to see more than one therapist, they say she is normal and not showing signs of depression or anything. At the suggestion of one of the therapists and with DD's consent, she even had test done to check if she had been molested (she has not thankfully) DD told the one of the therapists that she just did it because we never punish her and she knows she won't get in real trouble anyway. We have always used GD when parenting her, and things like natural consequences, but I never felt like we were soft on discipline. There has been lots of fallout from this. DD may be charged with making a false statement to police, because told this story to the police multiple times (this was before it all came out that A is an officer in another region) and even kept on lying to them when it came out that her story was a lie. Also, A was so hurt by DD's father's accusations. He (rightfully so when he believed DD was telling the truth) had broken up with her. When DD's lie come out she refused to get back to together with him because he had said all these horrible things to her, yelling and calling her a corrupt cop and other worse things. Now he dad is devastated because he really loved A and their relationship has ended. I know he will always love DD but right now he is really angry at her. I am mad at her too. Thankfully A was able to prove these accusations to be false, but what if A was not a cop or didn't have an alibi then she could have gotten in serious trouble, and her name and reputation could have been ruined. The problem is that besides being angry at her, he father and I are both at a loss as to what to do. My urge is to take everything away, phone, computer, all other privileges, not allow to her to see her friends from the neighborhood and from homeschool group. I have also tried talking to her about lying and trust (he father is too angry, he has told her that he loves her but is mad) and she just keeps saying that she thought she wouldn't get in trouble because we never punish her. I have no idea where she got the idea to do this, why she would do it, and I can't stop crying because I feel like such a bad mom. I can't even fathom what the consequences should be for this.

If you have read this whole thing then thank-you, I appreciate you "listening" to my ramblings...


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

Oh wow. I have no idea what to say I'll need to think about it, I just couldn't read and not reply. (((hugs)))
I would be really tempted on taking her over to A's house to apologize and maybe have A explain to her the possible consequences and effects of what she did (both on dd and A) and how much that can destroy a person. That's assuming A would even want to, though I couldn't blame if she wouldn't.


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## annekevdbroek (Jun 5, 2005)

I didn't want to read and not reply. I don't have any recommendations right now - my kids are 2 and 5, but will mull it over. I am sure some other readers will have good suggestions for you. You may want to cross post in the parenting teens section too.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I don't have much except to say, it seems like there is more going on with your dd than is obvious (because it makes so little sense).

Have you considered family therapy? It doesn't sound like a discipline issue so much as a cry for help.


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

I agree. This doesn't really seem like normal teen behavior to me.


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

If you can afford it, get your DD into counseling. Now.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I agree to the therapy suggestion.

One thing that stands out to me though- if her dad has been serious with A for so long, why the incredible lengths to keep them apart? That seems very odd and artificial to me.

-Angela


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I'm speaking out my rear end a bit here but my first thought is...

This is really major and serious. I am not sure it's something that can be dealt with with punishment; as you said, it could have ruined someone's life.

I agree that having A talk to her would be really good, if A would be willing. I also think that she is seeing her dad and you suffer and struggle with the enormity of this and there is a lot of 'lesson' in that. I do think that she seems to need some firm boundaries; it almost seems like she went so extreme to get some kind of reaction.

But you know that's internet pop-psych and I'm not sure this is the time for that.

I wonder if she needs some ongoing therapy and support. You said that you took her to several therapists; was there a reason she saw several? That seems unusual. Also I've never heard of a spot check for abuse that is conclusive, unless it was a physical one for something right then... people often do not disclose abuse for a long time and a 14 yr old is more than capable of seeing where the questions are going and answering accordingly. (I did.) However, I am not sure "abuse" is the issue... there are lots and lots and lots of things in the world that could be negative that are not abuse.

Why I bring all this up is that it sounds like you are looking for a quick fix: Is she abused yes/no; what is wrong with her tell-me-now; should I take everything away and totally change my approach. Of course you feel that way!

But I think this is a really complicated situation and the first thing to do perhaps is to breathe and then hook up with resources to look at what is stressing her out or causing her need for this level of drama, in a calm, long-term way. While I think some of this is in the realm of normal, a lot of it is really extreme and you need to get to the bottom of it, with help.

I also wouldn't worry so much about where she got the ideas; it's that she was willing to implement them.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

This just doesn't add up. As the mom of a 19 year old unschooled and GD;d dd The whole "we never punish her" is not a plausable reason for what you have posted.


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## e(Lisa)beth (Aug 17, 2007)

I made up a few whoppers around that same age. Once I spun out an elaborate story because I was afraid of getting into trouble over what was, in retrospect, a very minor offense. Another time I was trying to get attention, plain and simple. Both times it had the potential to damage other people, and in both cases I didn't really plan the story, I just dived in and the whole thing got deeper and wilder than I ever dreamed before the truth came out. On the good side, these experiences made me absolutely honest from the age of about 16 onward. I learned that even the simplest lie can hurt people and have crazy consequences and it's just not worth it.

All I can recommend for your DD is to try to really make her understand the ramifications of what she did. The effect on her dad, on A, with the police, and even with you. Hopefully her guilt will kick in and make her really regret what she did (and therefore prevent it in the future), and if nothing else the sheer hassle of dealing with all of it and the consequences of no longer having your trust might prevent her from going down that road again. And family therapy might be a good idea, too.

Good luck!


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## Love_My_Bubba (Jul 4, 2006)

Wow, I don't know what to say to that, just


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## reece19 (May 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 









I agree to the therapy suggestion.

One thing that stands out to me though- if her dad has been serious with A for so long, why the incredible lengths to keep them apart? That seems very odd and artificial to me.

-Angela

...and why would he break up with A without even getting her side of the story? If I had been dating someone for three years, I would wait to see if there was proof of guilt or innocence - and surely A's first response would have been, "I was in court across town." There seems to be more to that situation, too.

I lied as a teen, but I only did it to cover up something. There's something else going on with her, surely. I hope you guys figure it out and get things back on track.


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## blossomc (Jan 4, 2009)

Thank-you all for the replies, and for trying to help and not calling me a bad mom. I don't want to make it seem like I am looking for a quick fix, I am just so floored and overwhelmed by this that once I started writing, everything just came out. I am still in such disbelief. When I said several therapists, it was more like 2. There was the first therapist we took her to, and the one specializing in teens that the first one recommended. We also took her to the doctor and had her checked to see if she was abused because it was suggested to us that this could be the cause of her cry for help. I know it is a cry for help and I want to get DD into counseling and/or family therapy but at the same time I know that she knows what she did was wrong-she has flat out admitted this-and I can't just let her not have consequences KWIM? I don't want to "take everything away and ground her DD life" but I feel like something needs to be done. I just don't know...I don't understand. It's not like we have let her do whatever she wants, and that we never punish her. I feel like I have failed her and I am really sacred there is something wrong and I can't do anything to help her.

I feel so alone right now. DD is alseep and my husband is at work and I have been sitting in the dark crying for so long because I feel like I somehow failed as a mom. Even in my reaction I am not sure if I have done the right thing. I called my mom (who lives in another city) but she won't be here until tomorrow, and since none of my other siblings or cousins have kids there wasn't anyone else I could talk to. I will cross-post this in the teen section, if someone could let me know how to do this. Again, thank-you for reading this.

p.s. I don't know why her father broke up with A so quick, his actions are not my concern right now, helping DD is. I guess that he got angry and just yelled at her before she could explain because he was worried about DD (I wasn't there and so I don't know everything that happened) plus A was so blindsided by all this that apparently at first she just stood there in shock. A doesn't want to be anywhere near DD right now so talking to her is not an option. Plus, to the person who asked why DD was kept apart from A, I just know that her dad and A don't want to ever get married plus he didn't want to make DD feel displaced.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Your daughter's story was so fantastic (as in fantasy) that I'm surprised everyone bought into it lock, stock, and barrel without verifying any aspect. A "rush to judgment," if you will.

Dad breaks up with A; A's career and reputation is endangered; DD is shuttled from doctor to therapist; you and Dad are guilt-ridden; etc etc. It sounds to me like DD got exactly what she was hoping for: a whole lotta hoopla with her right in the big middle of it.

I think she should be charged for what she did. If she is, I think it would be most helpful for her if you and Dad were "supporters" and not "rescuers."

It strikes me that DD unofficially runs the show in her 2 families. I don't think that's a healthy role for a child.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Oh, I can see how she was upset about something at the library, started fabricating a story and it got out of hand. Remember those people who published The Holocaust Angel claiming it was a 'memoir'?

That's the benign interpretation. The less benign interpretation is that she was/is royally ticked off at her dad and wanted to destroy his relationship with A. (From how you described her dad's and A's relationship, it sounded a bit odd that they would NEVER meet.)

In either case, my solution would be:
1. Long-term counseling. Something's off in her life, her judgment or her attitude toward things. How does she feel about unschooling? Does she WANT to be in school? How's her social life? Is she crying out for attention? Was this just a really stupid thing that a kid sometimes does?

2. Have HER think of a way that she can make amends with A that both you and her dad approve of. My minimum would be a letter of apology to her father, to A and to the cops who she told the story to. Maybe A has a favorite charity that has a need for some hours of social service that she can do. Maybe A would be willing to meet with her.

3. Have her, together with you and her dad, work out ways that she can earn your trust back. How can she demonstrate to you that she's trustworthy?

4. Until she completes 3, she is NEVER left alone because she cannot be trusted. (That's the natural (or maybe logical) consequence of lying.) If you cannot be with her at all times, then maybe she needs to be in school as 'babysitter' and you can continue unschooling after school.


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
Your daughter's story was so fantastic (as in fantasy) that I'm surprised everyone bought into it lock, stock, and barrel without verifying any aspect. A "rush to judgment," if you will.

Well, at 14 (not that long ago) I would have had NO. IDEA. how cocaine is prepared for distribution! Holy crap.

I would find out HOW she knows this, too, OP. I have never seen this demonstrated on TV, etc...


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Well, she obviously got the information from somewhere other than an IRL observation. Unless you think she might actually be involved in drugs.


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talk de jour* 
Well, at 14 (not that long ago) I would have had NO. IDEA. how cocaine is prepared for distribution! Holy crap.

I would find out HOW she knows this, too, OP. I have never seen this demonstrated on TV, etc...


Actually, I have.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
It sounds to me like DD got exactly what she was hoping for: a whole lotta hoopla with her right in the big middle of it.


With respect, this is a pretty big assumption about someone you know from one distressed post from her mother. I don't see how you can know what she wanted.

OP, it sounds like a big bump in the road, but with time and patience, I'll bet this incident brings everyone closer together.

It seems like therapy for you two together might be useful as you figure out how best to help her work through the mess she made.

I'm not seeing a need to punish her more than having to cope with the enormous mess she's made of her relationships. I'm not seeing how taking away things will help her figure out how to repair it.

I also wonder a lot about the drug details and what she may have been exposed to.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talk de jour* 
Well, at 14 (not that long ago) I would have had NO. IDEA. how cocaine is prepared for distribution! Holy crap.

I would find out HOW she knows this, too, OP. I have never seen this demonstrated on TV, etc...

If she was at the library, there are lots of drug memoirs, true crime accounts, etc. there.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

well, my first thought after reading that is "A" and your dd needed a relationship. 3 years of not knowing what is going on with my dad and another woman is just too long (never meeting her, not know what she does or who she is?). i would not punish your dd personally. something this big was a cry for something going on inside of her. she may be 14, but that doesn't make her mature, sensible, and reasonable by any means. she did something really dumb i agree, and i think seeing the consequences of her actions and the commotion she has caused will be a lesson in and of itself. having been a teenager myself that lied, stole, etc. i think what would benefit your dd most right now is some grace, forgiveness, and love. she is probably feeling so confused, incredibly embarrassed, and very remorseful about this whole thing. i bet she wishes she could scream "do-over!". maybe a therapist (or you or a family friend??) could help her process her emotions... that would be good. she needs that.

anyway. my only advice is that she, her father, and his future girlfriends need to know each other. her dad doesn't need to *not* discuss other significant people in his life imo. that is good if your child is 6, but if they are 14 - i think they should be a part of major things going on. good luck. hugs.


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## by-the-lake (Jul 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elizawill* 
well, my first thought after reading that is "A" and your dd needed a relationship. 3 years of not knowing what is going on with my dad and another woman is just too long (never meeting her, not know what she does or who she is?).

That first line was a big AH-HAA moment for me. It put the lightbulb on. I would venture to guess this was a big part of the whole story. She doesn't know A, and perhaps feels left out and excluded. Never excusing what she did, but I grew up in a house during my teen years with a step-mother figure I didn't know,(still don't, 13 years later) and wasn't included in any part of her or my dads life. In a time when she wants to feel involved and included, more adult like, she is kept out, like a small child. Wonderful story she built, got a reaction, and probobly never considered any consequence (age appropriate, maybe?) Not excusing, but sort of understanding where it came from.


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## Leisha (Jan 16, 2008)

I agree with the posts above mine: my first thought was: I can imagine your dd WANTS to know A, after all those years!!
She must feel pretty left out that her dad doesn't want to include her and let her get to know this person that's an important part of his life (even if it was done with good intentions, not wanting her to feel displaced etc- it may have had the opposite effect)
(edited to add: the specific story she made up also says, to her dad: "look! I know something about A that you don't!" which i guess could be a reaction to not knowing A at all (and knowing her dad knows her very well) and feeling resentful about it?)

And as for her not wanting to give a proper reason as to WHY she did it... i don't know, maybe there just isn't a good reason? Maybe she just made it up, didn't expect it to have the huge consequences that it did, and is embarrassed now?

I don't know though... sorry you are going through this, i hope you can all work it out soon







:


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

If she only saw A in passing, and didn't even know her occupation, did she actually know that they were dating? Is it possible that she only recently found out about the true nature of the relationship, and felt she had been lied to/betrayed for 3 years?


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

If she was shaking and crying, I think something was going on, even if it was something different from what she said.


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## Kama82 (Mar 12, 2006)

This would be my personal guess about what happened here. She has been curious about A for a while and was trying to think of some way to make A pay attention to her, be involved with her, or meet her in some way. She was at the library and read something about drugs and thought wouldn't it be crazy if..... and it just went from there.
The mystery of who A was probably even made this seem possible to her. She didn't know who she was or what she did so how does she know she _isn't_ doing those things? It gave her a nice blank slate for her fantasy. I know it is very easy for a 14 year old to work themselves up into really believing something that is untrue. I did it a few times when I was that age although I kept my wild fantasies to myself so it didn't hurt anyone else but I had convinced myself of some pretty crazy stuff. Now of course all along she knew that it was a lie that she saw A doing those things, but she had clearly convinced herself that something was wierd about A.

I think it is as simple as her being alone, bored and wondering about A and she just started spinning a story and it got out of control.

As far as a 14 year old not knowing about how cocaine is prepared, first of all that isn't really how cocaine is prepared. The cops just accepted her story and assumed there was a childish spin on it. She could have gotten that information anywhere... she could have overheard people talking about a drug bust, she could have seen one episode of cops, she could have looked it up on wikipedia at the library, it could have started innocently (reading some sort of a anti drug book for teens) and that got up her curiousity so she looked up more information about cocaine and ran across something like that and she was so upset about a combination of the mystery of A and finding out about drugs that she just fabricated something to make it as big of a deal to everyone else as it was to her.

As far as what to do... that is tough. I would really try to find some way to arrange an apology session with A. Face to face would be better but if she absolutely does not want to meet with your daughter that is understandable. In that case I would make her write a letter, or if you have a camcorder maybe even do a video apology.

I would also tell her about who A is and be completely honest with her about what this has done to her fathers relationship with A. Do not try to shield her from any of the natural consequences of her actions (that her father has lost a relationship with a women he loved,that she may get in trouble with the police for lying). I would also have a serious talk with her about drugs, where she got her information about them and let her ask any questions she has. It is better for her to get her information from you then whatever random source of information she finds.

I would also make sure that in any relationship her father has in the future that she is provided with some basic information about the woman her father is with it is really unfair to isolate her from his love interests to that degree. Especially in a relationship that long term.

Finally, while she should experience a period of decreased trust, because this is a major violation of trust. Give her a way to earn it back, really earn it back. Because if she knows you will never trust her again no matter what she will just give up trying to earn your trust. Why should she if it will never happen? She should be given a chance to make things right as best she can.


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## kchara (Jan 21, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
Your daughter's story was so fantastic (as in fantasy) that I'm surprised everyone bought into it lock, stock, and barrel without verifying any aspect. A "rush to judgment," if you will.

Dad breaks up with A; A's career and reputation is endangered; DD is shuttled from doctor to therapist; you and Dad are guilt-ridden; etc etc. It sounds to me like DD got exactly what she was hoping for: a whole lotta hoopla with her right in the big middle of it.

I think she should be charged for what she did. If she is, I think it would be most helpful for her if you and Dad were "supporters" and not "rescuers."

It strikes me that DD unofficially runs the show in her 2 families. I don't think that's a healthy role for a child.









:

I totally agree. I'm sorry, but if you're using natural consequences, the natural consequence of making a false report, especially one SO horrible, and about a police office (whether she knew it or not is irrelevant), is having charges filed. And she should. And you should NOT rescue her. It was LUCK, pure and simple, that A had an alibi. What if it had been her day off? She would have LITERALLY destroyed this woman's LIFE. She NEEDS to be held accountable for that.

I agree that there's probably a lot more than meets the eye, but I do agree, also, that she got exactly what she wants... a 3 ring circus and her as the ringmaster.

Your DD needs therapy, at least.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

There seems to be a lot going on that people can't sort out from an online post.

I know your dd said she did this because she knew she wouldn't get into trouble but that isn't logical at all. She is old enough to know that calling the police and lying to them will bring consequences that have nothing to do with her parents. As you said, charges may be filed against her now.

You said your dd was crying and shaking during the interview. You said your husband immediately broke things off with a woman he dated for three years. Certain aspects of this make me think there are underlying issues, and this was a cry for help, but we just don't know why.

I would continue counseling. It may take time for your dd to develop trust in a counselor and feel safe confiding whatever is going on with her right now.

As to consequences--well, it sounds like the police may press charges and that will result in consequences. But if charges are dropped, I think it is appropriate for your dd to give back to the people who she lied too. She could do trash clean up at the library, or the police station, and pen a written apology to everyone involved.

But the thing is, this isn't a situation where any outward punishment will change her heart. Punishments like cleaning up trash, are about restoring her standing as a citizen--paying back into the community resources which she wasted with her lie. Punishment won't restore her heart, it won't prevent her from doing this again, it won't rebuild trust on the inter-personal side, among the people who love her. You are the parent, you are not the police, and your resources are best spent getting to the bottom of WHY this happened, and I think professional help is necessary to do that.


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

I looked, but I didn't see anyone mention the possibility that having her father keep her so completely out of his relationship may have felt to your dd like he was ashamed of her, rather than protecting her. It's possible she made up the story as a way to get back at him & try to 'prove' that she wasn't a problem, A was.

She definitely needs some kind of consequences, but I wonder if she also needs some reassurance that her dad wasn't trying to hide her from A because he was ashamed.


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## by-the-lake (Jul 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaskyla* 
I looked, but I didn't see anyone mention the possibility that having her father keep her so completely out of his relationship may have felt to your dd like he was ashamed of her, rather than protecting her. It's possible she made up the story as a way to get back at him & try to 'prove' that she wasn't a problem, A was.

She definitely needs some kind of consequences, but I wonder if she also needs some reassurance that her dad wasn't trying to hide her from A because he was ashamed.











Can totally see it from the 14 y. old girls point of view


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kama82* 

As far as a 14 year old not knowing about how cocaine is prepared, first of all that isn't really how cocaine is prepared.

Huh? I've SEEN cocaine being prepared for sale and it sure is white powder being divided up into baggies.


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## Aliyahsmommy (Sep 9, 2008)

I really do not think charging her would be a good solution or accomplish anything. The whole point of GD as I see it is to find other resources and really get to know your children and the reasons behind their behavior. So what needs to be done is to find out why this happened and not so much about a suitable punishment. A child that has been GD all their life IMO does not just go and do something this drastic without a reason. I don't have any advice and rarely if ever comment, but I felt the need in this case.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
Your daughter's story was so fantastic (as in fantasy) that I'm surprised everyone bought into it lock, stock, and barrel without verifying any aspect. A "rush to judgment," if you will.

Dad breaks up with A; A's career and reputation is endangered; DD is shuttled from doctor to therapist; you and Dad are guilt-ridden; etc etc. It sounds to me like DD got exactly what she was hoping for: a whole lotta hoopla with her right in the big middle of it.

I think she should be charged for what she did. If she is, I think it would be most helpful for her if you and Dad were "supporters" and not "rescuers."

It strikes me that DD unofficially runs the show in her 2 families. I don't think that's a healthy role for a child.


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