# Rude to grandparents



## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Just curious how folks here would respond to rudeness toward a grandparent. This is unprovoked rudeness. I think that it sometimes has to do with the child realizing that this person is weak and frail...I have another friend whose son has been rude to her father.

I know that a lot of kids this age try out rude behaviors, but I feel it crosses the line when it's toward an elder. This has happened several times and we're struggling with how to respond to it.

Any suggestions?


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Can you give a more concrete example?


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

That's the kind of behavior that I would interrupt. I don't know how old the child is, but I would take the same steps with my four year old as I would with an older or younger child. I would stop them by saying something like "we don't talk that way in our family" and then, if possible, i would remove them from the situation and talk with them in the low scary voice.

Don't be afraid to say exactly what's wrong. For example, "I won't have you treating my father that way" or "It is important to me that you know how to behave with respect toward older people." I wrote "know how" because I think that's critical. The child might not realize that the behavior is rude--you have to be clear and provide information sometimes.

If the child can't stop the behavior, remove them from the situation and go home.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Very reassuring, thank you.

The incident was actually in our house. My in-laws were there and my mother. I've noticed this happens with elders who are weak and frail like my mother and not so much with more fit and active grandparents like my MIL.

Anyway, she made a comment about his not getting a nap that day...in a very sensitive, respectful way. In her way, she was commending his behavior considering he was very tired. Now this kind of comment can get any kid pissed off, I know. But this has happened over more benign comments that she has made as well. He yelled in a very nasty tone that he did take a nap that day.

My dh asked him to step aside with him so they could talk and ds refused. I think dh said that we don't talk that way to others. Dh gave him the chance to walk with him or he'd be carried. Well, thus ensued the power struggle. He kicked and screamed and it escalated into a tantrum.

I like what the pp said about a short, concise statement and then leaving. The leaving part is the hard thing for him...it always turns into a huge tantrum. It just doesn't feel like enough to just say 'we don't talk this way to others' and let him go on doing his thing. I don't think it makes much of an impact.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

For me, this is one of those scenarios where I won't change my behaviour just because a tantrum has or will ensue. He wants to be mad, OK, that's fine. But I'm still going to provide feedback and I'm still going to respond to the refusal of a reasonable request. And I would probably just let the tantrum run its coarse, then I would require an apology to the person on the receiving end of rudeness. I know that some people don't agree with the last part, but it is definitely part of what I want my children to do and, perhaps even more so, a part of what the older generation expects and, IMHO, deserves.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Thank you, everyone, for the responses. What the pp describes is pretty much what happened. He had a HUGE tantrum and then was asked to apologize when he calmed down, which he did. And it sounded pretty sincere, so I think he realized that he was out of line.

I find that whenever we really put our foot down with him it usually results in a tantrum. I think a lot of this is temperment, but I of course wonder if I have contributed to it. I'm sure I have.

Anyway, thanks for all the helpful feedback.


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I don't "put my foot down." I find that adversarial and don't think it helps.

I would let Simon know that I didn't like what he said and why and let him know how the recipient seemed to be feeling about it and probably leave it at that. I assume the best of him (within reason). I would wonder why he was acting as he was acting and keep thinking about what happened and how we might avoid it in the future. We'd talk more about it later. Calmly. He learns this way. He doesn't feel insulted or belittled and so he doesn't up the ante because now he feels humiliated in addition to feeling angry (and so angrier than before, and now feeling that people are ganging up on him). I'd also see how the person he was rude to (if that is accurate) was feeling about the incident and try to help smooth that over if need be... but I wouldn't force an apology... I might give the person an update later about what we had done in relation to the situation and see if Simon wanted to apologize on his own... but if not, I would drop it. He is 3. He has a lot to learn... He's going to be rude on occasions and I don't see a point in making a scene over it... I'd be far more likely to give him the information he needs... but to be playful about it and take it lightly (if it were right at the time). Gotta get to bed!!! ARG!!!


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

What Dal said.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

I like what Dal said as well, but this doesn't work with my son. We've tried talking about it,k revisiting it later, expressing our expectations, etc. This is just not enough of a consequence for behavior that, we feel, is really inappropriate and rude and not the way we want our child to treat his grandparents. He continues to do it. We can always understand where he is coming from and that he is low on resources or whatever. But it also seems to happen mostly with my mother. I think he sees her differently than other adults because she has trouble walking and is quite frail.

I dunno. It's a struggle. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it's very unsettling to me. My mother doesn't mind it at all, but she doesn't expect anyone to respect her (long story), so this is not particularly healthy.

Anyway, thanks for the input. It helps.


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