# Is 8 yr old too young to learn the mechanics of sex?



## Kokopelli-mana (Jan 18, 2005)

I'm pregnant with my 3rd baby (so excited!). My dd turned 8 in October and knows that babies come from Daddy's seed meeting Mommy's egg in my tummy. We are also very open about our bodies and what happens at maturity, etc. She wants to know exactly how the "seed" gets to the "egg". It's the first issue I haven't immediately explained to her. I think she's ready, but dh thinks she's way too young. I think she's a very smart girl and already probably has some ideas, so I want to make sure she has no misconceptions. I bought a book "It's So Amazing!" which is geared toward her age group and explains the mechanics, to use as a conversational aid. She knows everything already except that the penis enters the vagina. So, should I override dh on this one? Thanks in advance for your opinions.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

What's his concern, exactly?

Honestly, I think that when they ask about it, that's when they're old enough to hear the answer. I wouldn't have a problem telling a much younger child.


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## goinggreengirl (Nov 7, 2009)

I agree on the if they ask, they are ready to know point. Course, I don't think you should just tell her without your DH knowing. You just need to convince him that she should know. More than likely, she's heard stuff from friends and you don't want her getting super incorrect information that you just have to work through later.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

That would be very late in my house. I told my kids when my oldest was about 5 and my youngest about 2 or 3. They were interested and wanted to know and it's much, much, much easier to start to have these kinds of conversations when they're little than when they're an awkward 12 year old blushing and looking at you like, "Mom, I know all this already, why do we have to talk about this, you're so embarrassing!", so my take is it's definitely not too young! My DH was on board, too, and read the books with us. "It's So Amazing" is a great book, although you may want to pre-read because there are sections in there about miscarriage, and some controversial topics. There is a book by the same authors geared toward younger kids called "So, It's Not the Stork" which is also good if "It's So Amazing" is too much for your DH!!

By saving it up for a "big talk" you de-normalize sex, sexuality, and puberty. By having a series of conversations over many years you keep it normal and not "dirty". That's my take anyway.

If it would help your DH you might make a poll here or in Childhood Years and see what the general MDC pop says.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Agree that 8 is late in our house. We have never done "big" talks but have talked about our bodies, reproduction, masturbation, etc as part of everyday life. By 8 there is a good chance someone else might beat to you it. My son learned the word vagina and the different way girls and boys urinate pretty early and proceeded to share this knowledge with his younger and more sheltered cousin. My SIL was pissed!

If your daughter is old enough to be curious she is old enough to know.


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## JustMeAmy (Nov 6, 2008)

Growing up in my house 8 would have been late too. My mom is a CNM so I honestly can't remember a time where I didn't know how you got a baby nor do I remember any big "talk" - reproduction was never a bad or dirty subject for me and asking questions about it was never awkward. If she's asking a specific question, give her the answer. The real question is why *wouldn't* you give her the information?


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I don't think a child is ever too young to hear that information. It's a biological function, like breathing, or blood cells fighting off viruses, or digestion.


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## Snowflake777 (Jan 6, 2011)

Not too young at all! I think 8 is a good age, especially seeing as she's asking.

I was 4 when my parents told me.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Not to young. If she asking, it's best to be honest anyway. Otherwise you set her up for not trusting you later.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Kokopelli-mana*
> 
> I'm pregnant with my 3rd baby (so excited!). My dd turned 8 in October and knows that babies come from Daddy's seed meeting Mommy's egg in my tummy. We are also very open about our bodies and what happens at maturity, etc. She wants to know exactly how the "seed" gets to the "egg". It's the first issue I haven't immediately explained to her. I think she's ready, but dh thinks she's way too young. I think she's a very smart girl and already probably has some ideas, so I want to make sure she has no misconceptions. I bought a book "It's So Amazing!" which is geared toward her age group and explains the mechanics, to use as a conversational aid. She knows everything already except that the penis enters the vagina. So, should I override dh on this one? Thanks in advance for your opinions.


When she asked I'd have just said the mans penis goes in the womans vagina. At least with my kid it wasn't necessary to sit down formally with a book to answer that question. Not that I'm against sex ed books in general, but I like answering the questions kids ask when they ask them.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Dd learned at 4. Ds at 7. (He learned because she learned!)

No, it's not too early. The more factual you can make it, the easier it makes it to talk about safe sex, birth control, and the emotional issues surrounding having sex when they get closer to puberty. And I hate to break it to dad, but she's going to be starting puberty in 2 years or so.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm on your DH's side. I think 8 is too young to know the mechanics of sex. My children are 10, 8, and 5 and we have not even considered getting into that discussion. Instead of asking why not tell them I would ask why tell them? What purpose does it serve for a child to know explicit sexual details. When my kids ask questions that we don't feel they need to know the answer to yet we just tell them that it is a discussion for when they are older. I think it would be really wrong to go behind your DH's back and tell her details he doesn't feel she is ready for. You wouldn't want him to do the same to you. You need to sit down together and discuss it and see if you can come to an agreement on how much information should be shared.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Heavenly*
> 
> I'm on your DH's side. I think 8 is too young to know the mechanics of sex. My children are 10, 8, and 5 and we have not even considered getting into that discussion. Instead of asking why not tell them I would ask why tell them? What purpose does it serve for a child to know explicit sexual details. When my kids ask questions that we don't feel they need to know the answer to yet we just tell them that it is a discussion for when they are older. I think it would be really wrong to go behind your DH's back and tell her details he doesn't feel she is ready for. You wouldn't want him to do the same to you. You need to sit down together and discuss it and see if you can come to an agreement on how much information should be shared.


I would tell them because they asked. Children deserve to have their honest questions answered honestly.


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## Terrilein (Jan 9, 2007)

I would go to the library and borrow a few books on the subject, sit down with your DH and go through said books and decide on one or two that you both find acceptable. I'd tell your dh that your dd is wanting/needing answers and he needs to help you decide what and how much she should learn. Let him know that if he does nothing that you will assume he has delegated the matter to you and that you will proceed as you see fit. OK, some might say that's agressive. I'd call it actively looking for a solution. Your child wants and deserves age appropriate answers. It's his responsability to help you formulate them.


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## asraidevin (Jul 30, 2010)

Penis goes into vagina. You aren;t telling her the explicit details. If you don't explain to her, she could go ask at school and get some very wrong information from friends.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

If you don't tell her, you will be giving her the very clear message that you and dad simply are not people to EVER talk to about sex. Eventually she'll find out that the penis goes in the vagina, but the message that you can't handle her questions about sex will never go away. She'll take that one right through her teen years and into adulthood.

Tell your DH to get over it (say it nicely, of course).

I like the book you selected.

The other option besides you tell her that facts is that she gets them from her friends, who tend to not be very clear on things. One of my DD's friend's thought that the man peed inside the woman. Really, hearing the actually truth from a parent is far easier on a child.

(BTW, by the time my kids were 9, they both knew that if two people want to have sex and they don't want to make a baby, they should use 2 forms of birthcontrol)


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## elus0814 (Sep 21, 2009)

I feel it's too young. My older two are 5 and 6 and the one time one of them asked (with the other right there) I said babies are something that God gives to husbands and wives. I feel they are too young to know specific details. I want them to be little kids and enjoy the innocence that comes with not knowing things like that. I really do think that telling a child who is not yet pubescent that a penis goes in a vagina is not doing them a favor.

If they asked over and over again I might give more detail but it would not be information I would volunteer. I asked when I was seven. I was given details and I started thinking about it all the time. I looked at reproduction pages in the encyclopedia after my parents were asleep. I feel it just made waiting much more difficult. I wanted to get married as soon as possible and have babies because I had been thinking about it since I was seven.

I would be concerned that a very young child, under 10 or 11, might try it too out of curiosity. My oldest daughter adores babies so I wonder if I told her how adults get babies that she might try 'sex' so she could have one. She's only six but it's something I can see her trying to do if she understood the mechanics.

We don't believe in birth control. No way ever would I talk to a young child about it. When they're going through puberty I will explain how some people don't want babies and take steps to not have them and why DH and I feel it is wrong.

I wonder how many parents who explain details of sex also explain the details of abortion? Would you give your child the details and explain the 'mechanics' simply because they asked what it was after hearing the word? I will explain it when the kids are older but, just like the details of sex, they don't need to know now.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

I don't think 8 is too young to know about the mechanics of sex. I think any discussion about the mechanics should also encompass a broader discussion about relationships though.

For those who would wait past age 10, I'm wondering what you would tell the menstruating 9 y.o girl about sex? It's not uncommon for 9 y.o's to menstruate, or show signs of puberty. Do you advocate giving partial information about the changes they are experiencing? I think any curious 9 y.o. is likely to research answers themselves, especially if they aren't getting full, open and honest answers from their parents.

As for abortion, I honestly can't recall how old my dc were when I talked to them about it. I know that I would have explained it, in age-appropriate terms, at whatever age they asked about it. DS was about 7 y.o. when he saw a used condom on the ground and asked about it. That was an interesting conversation! I did explain, as best I could, what it was and what it was used for - both birth control and disease prevention.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *asraidevin*
> 
> Penis goes into vagina. You aren;t telling her the explicit details. If you don't explain to her, she could go ask at school and get some very wrong information from friends.


Yep. This.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My dd knew everything at 4. I think 8 is late to be finding out. I bet she has heard something at school or from friends at this point, though not necessarily correct information.


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## HollyBearsMom (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I feel it's too young. My older two are 5 and 6 and the one time one of them asked (with the other right there) I said babies are something that God gives to husbands and wives. I feel they are too young to know specific details. I want them to be little kids and enjoy the innocence that comes with not knowing things like that. I really do think that telling a child who is not yet pubescent that a penis goes in a vagina is not doing them a favor.
> 
> ...


How do you explain when its *not* a husband and wife who have a baby? What about a single parent? A same sex couple?

If my child asked me about abortion I would use age appropriate words to explain what it means. I want my child to learn from me, not someone else.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I wonder how many parents who explain details of sex also explain the details of abortion? Would you give your child the details and explain the 'mechanics' simply because they asked what it was after hearing the word? I will explain it when the kids are older but, just like the details of sex, they don't need to know now.


When my older DD asked about abortion when she was about 6, I explained to her that it meant a pregnancy ended. When she asked how, I explained the sometimes it happens naturally, and sometimes the doctor has to do it.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Yeah, my daughter asked at some point, around 4 or 5 I think, what happens if someone is pregnant and doesn't to have a baby, and I explained what abortion was. It wasn't more complicated than any of the rest of it.


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## Callimom (Sep 14, 2004)

Eight is late at our house too. I agree with Linda on the Move (I think it was her) that you are absolutely setting the tone and the precident for how future discussions will go, not only on this topic but on a whole host of them.

I completely disagree with the notion that withholding information on something like this protect's a child's innoncence in some way. Information given from a trusted source in a way sensitive to their personalities is one of the more gentle respectful ways they will learn about sex and sexuality. IME it's the kids whose parents aren't able to be open and honest who take away the message that sex is something shameful or ridiculed or a verboten topic.

For the PP who asked - yes I answer my kids questions honestly whatever they are - abortion, drugs, sex, war, ethics. I always want to be one of their most trusted sources of information.

Karen


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I wonder how many parents who explain details of sex also explain the details of abortion? Would you give your child the details and explain the 'mechanics' simply because they asked what it was after hearing the word? I will explain it when the kids are older but, just like the details of sex, they don't need to know now.


Yup, we have talked about abortion because it came up. We explained the difference between a spontaneous abortion and an induced abortion.

By age 10 and 11 many girls and boys are going through puberty. They have a right to know about their bodies and how they work. They have a right to accurate information regarding sex. Someone asked, what happens when a 9 year old girl who is "not old enough to know that stuff" starts her period, well what happens to the 11 year old boy who is "not old enough to know that stuff" starts having wet dreams?

What happens when your kids get tired of hearing "you aren't old enough" and they go ask a friend, who tells them that sex is fun and "it's not like you can get pregnant if it's your first time/your not married/you don't have boobs/you pee after/[insert one of hundreds of myths surrounding sex that are floating around out there]"?

My daughter is no less innocent now than she was before she learned about sex (with the exception of the growing up she did between the time she learned, 4, and now, 12). She didn't suddenly turn into a little grown up because she knew how humans procreate. She didn't suddenly decide to go out and start having sex when she found out. She did want to know how her dad and I were ever going to give her a younger sibling though since "you have a penis and daddy has a penis". So we explained that there are other ways to have a baby, like adoption or surrogacy.


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## MsBirdie (Apr 29, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Yup, we have talked about abortion because it came up. We explained the difference between a spontaneous abortion and an induced abortion.
> 
> ...


Totally agree with this.

I mean some of the things my DD hears on the playground are just ridiculous. Our kids learned between 4-7, first with pregnancy and periods ending with the full monty so to speak.

Now, we have a lot of discussion about our Christian values surrounding sex and relationships.

Us beginning the discussion has also allowed us to make sure that our children know they could come to us with anything , abortion, safe sex, and homsexuality, and we will be there for them with love and nonjudgment instead of running to their peers for guidance.

I also agree that abortions and any other issue (drugs etc) should be spoken with truth and not sugar coated.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *choli*
> 
> When my older DD asked about abortion when she was about 6, I explained to her that it meant a pregnancy ended. When she asked how, I explained the sometimes it happens naturally, and sometimes the doctor has to do it.


This! My daughter at around the same age asked what happens if someone gets pregnant and they DON'T want the baby. I explained that sometimes it was a very hard decision and there were different options including ending the pregnancy, adoption or having the baby and keeping it anyway. We also talked about women's rights to decide what happens to their bodies and used this as an opportunity to stress that she was in her charge of her own body and no one should make her do anything she didn't want to with it.

Sometime in adolescence my mother explained to me what happened BEFORE abortion was safe and legal. I asked and she told me honestly as it was something she had experience with.

I think it's really important to explain when children ask. At my neighbors school the kids were running around acusing this one girl of having had "sex" since to them, that meant kissing. My neighbor had not explained sex and reproduction to her third grader. I was like YES - it's time. another good book is "It's not the Stork," very funny with cute pictures where the kids basically explain it all to their parents. Includes cute cartoons like "This--- goes in --- here." It's cute graphic, not gory graphic. Quite light hearted. I recommended it to my neighbor but my DD and I just had the conversation.


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## MsBirdie (Apr 29, 2007)

Totally just remembered a conversation DD and I had the other night.

She is asked if DH and I still have sex if we do not want anymore kids, so we had to go into how the chances of pregnancy can be reduced (condoms, vasectomy) and also got into how God made sex a way for a married couple to experience love and connection. We then spoke about how sex can make you more vulnerable becuase you are sharing a part of yourself with that person so it can hurt more if that relationship ends. Therefore, when two people have stood up in front of their family and friends and promised to stay with eachother it is a safe forum to share that part of you. Which lead into then why do people get divorced. I needed a drink after that conversation.

I guess I am saying that all you can do is teach them ideals or beliefs that you would like them to follow, arm them with the facts, and be there to love them through it all. Teaching the mechanics is the easy part.


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## KayTeeJay (Jul 22, 2008)

This thread is straying into dangerous territory.

elus0814, I wouldn't use your wording to explain abortion anymore than I would sit down and have a detailed discussion of sexual positions and techniques with my child. Just because you don't agree with something doesn't make it not exist. You can give the basics without being graphic, and make it clear what your opinions are without making your child feel like they are wrong or shameful for asking an honest question.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I feel it's too young. My older two are 5 and 6 and the one time one of them asked (with the other right there) I said babies are something that God gives to husbands and wives. I feel they are too young to know specific details. I want them to be little kids and enjoy the innocence that comes with not knowing things like that.


A child who knows the mechanics of sex has had nothing taken away from her innocence. That you would think this says a lot about the way (some) people put a heavy gloss of adult sexuality on the most basic and innocent questions. When a kid (like my 4yo, when I told him) hears that the penis goes in the vagina, he receives that information as the mechanical explanation it is, much as if I had told him that his heart pumps blood to his body.

Telling a small child that the penis goes in the vagina is not at all the same as discussing the deep emotions or all the complicated cultural assumptions that exist about sex. It doesn't address gender roles (except at the ultimate basic level) or sexuality at all. It is only when parents confronted with the question "But how did the baby get inside the mama?" hem and haw and blush and stammer that kids have any conception in the slightest that the topic is a loaded one.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I honestly don't remember when I talked to my older two kids (now 7 and 10) about the whole penis in vagina thing. I do remember that my dd (now 7) worked it out an her own and asked me if that's how it worked while we were riding in the car (amazing what they'll talk about in the car!). It basically went like this. "Wait. So the egg is inside the woman? And the sperm comes from the penis to meet the egg? Does that mean the penis goes in the vagina?" And I said "Yep, that's how it happens." And she said, "That's kind of gross."







I think she was 5. That's when we had a good talk about how it's something grown ups do together that feels good, but that children's bodies aren't made for that sort of thing and that no one should be trying to do something like that with a child. And that if something ever feels "gross," that that "grossness" is a good reminder to come and talk to a trusted grown up about it - and that even if it doesn't feel gross, she should still talk to someone about it. It was a really wonderful and productive conversation. As a survivor of sexual abuse, it's really important to me that my kids know how their bodies work and what's okay to do with them and what's not okay for someone else to do to them. Learning from a trusted adult about what sex is is far better than learning about it from experience.

My oldest probably learned about it while I was pregnant with his little sister. He was only 2.5 when she was born, but very verbal and asked pretty much every question known to man about the pregnancy, so I suspect it came up. My 5 year old has never really asked much about sex or baby making, but he's been present during conversations with the older kids, so I'm not hiding anything from him.

The kids also know that sex is not just for making babies, and that babies come to families in ways other than sex. (Be it adoption, doctor assisted fertility, etc)

As for the issue of abortion, we've touched on it. When my son was in kindergarten, his school shared a building with a gynecologist office. Once a week, there were protesters out front - I had to talk about it before I otherwise would have. I've tried to provide a fairly balanced view of the abortion debate. I'm politically pro-choice, but I "get" the other side, so we make sure we talk about it from a lot of angles.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I wanted to add that when I had sex ed in 6th grade, they never explained that the penis went inside the vagina during sex. They used the whole "a man and a woman get soooooo close" line that drives me batty. Had I not known the mechanic of it going into the class, I wouldn't have known it coming out, either.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

I can't remember how hold my kids were when I first explained abortion. They had heard the word, and wanted to know what it meant. I explained that an abortion is a medical procedure that happens when a woman is pregnant but doesn't want to be, either because it isn't a good time in her life for a baby, or because something about the pregnancy is very dangerous for her, or because the baby is so deformed that it would be in a lot pain and not be able to have a decent life. I explained that some people feel that abortion is always wrong and should be against the law, and that some people think that abortion is deeply personal and that every woman has a right to decide such things for herself.

I emphasized that birth control isn't 100%, which is why using two forms of birth control if a couple doesn't want a baby makes a lot of sense. Abortion is difficult for everyone involved, and it is much better to prevent pregnancy than to end it.

I've also told them my personal view, that abortion is sad to me, but that I think it should always be legal. I would prefer to work to make it it less in demand than to make it illegal.

My kids are old enough now that they understand what rape is, and that has also shaded our conversations about abortion. But this information has come out slowly over a period of years. I've done my best to answer every question honestly, not giving any more or less information than they are ready for at the time.

Because I feel no judgement on this issue, I've heard many women's stories. I feel compassion.

I've tried to state EVERYTHING I say to my children in very soft terms. Eventually, they will be making their own choices, and I would really prefer that that always consider me someone they can talk to. That is really more important to me than the age at which they first have sex or what sort of birth control they use. I never had that kind of unconditional love from my mother, and I'm giving to it my DDs.

But all this came out very slowly over many years. The answer to the OPer's question is quite simple: the penis goes in the vagina.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

I'm returning this thread with some posts removed. You can read this thread for more information about which posts were removed and why.

I'll be starting a new thread about how to talk to preteens and teens about abortion shortly, so please continue that discussion there. If you want to continue discussing telling an 8 year old about the mechanics of sex, you can continue that discussion here.

Thanks for all of your help!


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Heavenly*
> 
> I'm on your DH's side. I think 8 is too young to know the mechanics of sex. My children are 10, 8, and 5 and we have not even considered getting into that discussion. Instead of asking why not tell them I would ask why tell them? What purpose does it serve for a child to know explicit sexual details. When my kids ask questions that we don't feel they need to know the answer to yet we just tell them that it is a discussion for when they are older. I think it would be really wrong to go behind your DH's back and tell her details he doesn't feel she is ready for. You wouldn't want him to do the same to you. You need to sit down together and discuss it and see if you can come to an agreement on how much information should be shared.


Im wondering if it is possible that your 10 year old knows and has just not spoken with you about it. Im not sure if you send her/him to school or if you homeschool, but I can tell you that at 10 years old it was weird for me to know someone at school that didnt know what sex was. And if my friends and I found out someone didnt know, we told them. Its extremely possible that some of your 10 yos peers are mensturating. Id feel super weird about not telling my kid about sex when they are likely to be around others who not only know, but their bodies are functioning in a way that could make able to become pregnant.

As far as why children need to be told, I personally think its because that is how life is formed, and its weird to me to allow my child to go through life not really knowing how they came into existance. As pp's said, penis goes into vagina. seed meets egg and a baby grows. Its not "explicit sexual details".


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

DD was interested earlier than DS, probably because she had an example right before her of the outcome of sex, lol.

She was of the age before "It's Not The Stork" came out, so we read "It's So Amazing." I really like those books because since they basicallly have one topic per page it is VERY easy to skip topics you dont' want to cover right then (or the child is not interested in).

I felt very strongly that the kids should really know the mechanics of sex *before* going to elementary school. I didn't want them getting the wrong information from someone at school! When DD was in 2nd grade and we were carpooling I overheard her, her 2nd grade friend (male) and DS (then 4) talking about what sex was. I was really impressed because DS gave a very good, basic explanation (penis into the vagina summary). None of the kids were uncomfortable or embarrassed. I would have felt *horrible* if I had overheard my child being misinformed OR misinforming.

That said, I have also been on the other end. I was pretty unaware as a child and really didn't understand a lot and didn't feel I had a way to find out what I wanted to know. Apparently my oldest brother asked a question in 8th grade health class (he was born in 1960 and went to Catholic school) that was completely age inappropriate in that *everyone* else already knew the answer and thought it was really funny he didn't. He had always been ahead in school (went on to be both high school and college valedictorian) and this was, apparently, a horribly scaring experience for him. He had never felt so *stupid* and behind and I've been told he really carried a grudge against my parents for putting him in that situation. I just never asked, but I know I had no idea exactly what a penis looked like or how it "worked" until I was in late high school and actuallly experiencing it.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I'm pretty sure I have read research that found that children who had good sex education were *less* likely to experiment at a young age than children who had been given limited or no information.

I don't really feel that discussing the biology of sex equals a loss of innocence anyway. Although I guess when they start asking questions about some of the harsher realities it is.

We haven't got there yet but I cannot think of a single topic which I wouldn't discuss with J if she asked. And I'd much rather she was getting her information from me or DH than the playground. And I am absolutely convinced that, if she wants to know, she will get the information from somewhere. I would never assume that she'd lose interest because I fobbed her off. In fact I think that would only pique her interest.

The Sex Education Handbook by Dr Martha Gelin provides suggestions for parents about how to talk to their children about the facts and the values of different sexual issues. She actually gives examples of ways to say things too which I quite liked. It's not designed to be read with your children though, it's for parents who want to prepare themselves to answer tricky questions.


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## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

thats how i've always known it. Being armed with all the information gives you a better chance of making a more informed and mature decision than just being left to trying to ignore our hormones with no concept of why or how.

At any rate, I'd prefer my daughter know all about sex by the age of 8 than to be like a few friends of mine in high school who were still figuring things out and horribly disgusted by the idea and freaked out by their own bodies. THEY were unhealthy about sex and they weren't even having it. Being unhealthy about sex goes in both directions and knowledge is the best way to be healthy.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *katelove*
> 
> *I'm pretty sure I have read research that found that children who had good sex education were *less* likely to experiment at a young age than children who had been given limited or no information.*
> 
> ...


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## bluebackpacks (Nov 5, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *JustMeAmy*
> The real question is why *wouldn't* you give her the information?


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I feel it's too young. My older two are 5 and 6 and the one time one of them asked (with the other right there) I said babies are something that God gives to husbands and wives. I feel they are too young to know specific details. I want them to be little kids and enjoy the innocence that comes with not knowing things like that. I really do think that telling a child who is not yet pubescent that a penis goes in a vagina is not doing them a favor.


My kids know the details, but they haven't lost any of their innocence. Heck, my ds is going to be 10 in a few short weeks, and he still plays with stuffed animals! They're wonderfully open, curious, innocent children. They're becoming more aware of the world, but that's got much more to do with literacy and being able to follow conversations between dh and me. It's hard to talk politics without the kids overhearing. The only thing I have protected them from is media and movies. That, in my opinion, is much more likely to lead to a skewed view of sex and violence than any amount of factual information.

Yes, they are sometimes curious about sex and reproduction. This curiosity is normal and should not be shamed. Dd re-reads "It's Not the Stork" about every 6 months. (Once with a babysitter -- the poor babysitter was more than a little flustered!) Each time dd reads it, she focuses on different details. This last time she was really aware that sex is something that only grown-ups do.

I wonder if your experience led you to be more curious because it was something that you couldn't talk about with your parents. If you'd been able to discuss this with your parents, rather than just getting the facts and then having it dropped, would that have been a different experience?

Talking about sex is not a one time deal. It's an ongoing conversation. When my daughter first asked me, I simply said "the sperm from the daddy and the egg from the mommy get together and make a baby. The baby grows in the mommy's womb until it's ready to be born." For nearly a year, that was enough. But after awhile, she wanted to know HOW the sperm and the egg got together. That led to the penis goes into the vagina talk. It was short and sweet and easily processed. I haven't noticed any changes in my kids' innocence since then.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I would be concerned that a very young child, under 10 or 11, might try it too out of curiosity. My oldest daughter adores babies so I wonder if I told her how adults get babies that she might try 'sex' so she could have one. She's only six but it's something I can see her trying to do if she understood the mechanics.


As others have said, research has shown that children who have all the facts about reproduction are less likely to try it out. I find it very interesting that the European countries that have comprehensive sex education and access to birth control for teenagers also have a much lower rate of abortion. This for me is a true indication that more information is better, not worse. I don't want my child having an abortion because she didn't understand how she could get pregnant.

If all you tell her is the mechanics, then yes, I could see your dd being curious. But if it's part of an on-going discussion of reproduction and growing up, I don't think so. Your family's value should definitely be part of this discussion. If you give your children the idea that it's not a topic to be talked about, then you also lose the chance to infuse your family values into the discussion. The kids on the playground/locker room aren't going to share your family values.

Since we read the "It's not the stork book" regularly, we've talked about how that is something that grown-ups bodies are made to do, but it's not for children. In order to have a baby, your body needs to be ready to have a baby and you need to be ready to take care of the baby -- you need to be quite grown-up to do that. We haven't had the conversation that includes "sometimes people have sex because it feels good" but that's coming, I'm sure. It's also something my children will need to know. They will also need to know about how to prevent pregnancy and STDs. One of our strong family values is that parenthood is best undertaken when you have the physical and emotional maturity to take it on, and when you are able to support yourself and your children. It's much easier if you are done with your education and have one parent who has a stable job.

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I wonder how many parents who explain details of sex also explain the details of abortion? Would you give your child the details and explain the 'mechanics' simply because they asked what it was after hearing the word? I will explain it when the kids are older but, just like the details of sex, they don't need to know now.


Well, it depends on how the question is asked. If a child asks me "what's sex", I won't start with the details of penis-into-vagina. I'll start with "It's what men and women do when they want to make a baby". The details of sex come when the child asks the details of reproduction. If a child asked me what abortion was upon hearing the word, yes, I'd tell them. I'd start by simply defining it for them, like I would other words. If they asked more, I'd tell them more. I'd tell them with the same sort of sadness that I had when we had to discuss what war is. Really, I'd prefer that my children not have to know those things. I'd prefer that neither existed. But they exist in the world. Neither are simple. Both require talking not only about what it is, but the whys and the values around it.

If you aren't telling your children the details of sex now, then I think you should think hard -- when do you tell them? What occasion? Children ask when they are curious. If they don't get answers, or your attitude shows that you aren't going to tell them, then they may stop asking. That means when you deem them old enough to know, you're going to have to make a somewhat bigger deal out of getting the info to them because it won't be a part of a natural conversation. That's OK, but do know that it'll take more planning and might be more awkward for both you and your children.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *elus0814*
> 
> I would be concerned that a very young child, under 10 or 11, might try it too out of curiosity. My oldest daughter adores babies so I wonder if I told her how adults get babies that she might try 'sex' so she could have one. She's only six but it's something I can see her trying to do if she understood the mechanics.
> 
> ...


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Katelove, when DD asked "can I have a baby?" we told her that when she gets older her body will go through some changes that will make her into a woman. That some of the changes are visible (like growing breasts) and some aren't (like producing eggs). She was happy with that answer for a few years at least, before she wanted to know how she would know her body was ready to have a baby.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Katelove, when DD asked "can I have a baby?" we told her that when she gets older her body will go through some changes that will make her into a woman. That some of the changes are visible (like growing breasts) and some aren't (like producing eggs). She was happy with that answer for a few years at least, before she wanted to know how she would know her body was ready to have a baby.


Yeah, that's the sort of thing I'm thinking of. Thanks.


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

I talk to my kids openly and honestly when they have questions like this. I think dd asked when she was about 3. Ds was probably around 3 as well. I haven't gone into graphic descriptions or anything like that.

For the record, I have two good friends who are much younger than I am. They are 21 and 23. They are both still virgins, and credit that to their parents talking openly and honestly with them about sex from a very young age.


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## Cyllya (Jun 10, 2009)

A family member was able to sexually abuse me when I was 6 by taking advantage of my innocence, so innocence is not something I care for my kids to have! I think if I'd known about the mechanics of sex and heard some of my mom's values on it, I probably wouldn't have gone along with it--in fact, he probably wouldn't have even tried. Even if the abuse had happened, if not for the fact that sex was a total no-no topic in my home, I would have at least been able to tell my mom about it and not had to live the guy for the next 13 years. :/ (And maybe I'd have been able to tell my mom when I started my period... that would have spared me a lot of stress, guilt, and embarrassment in fifth grade... and let me keep that pair of white shorts.)


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LynnS6*
> 
> If you aren't telling your children the details of sex now, then I think you should think hard -- when do you tell them? What occasion? Children ask when they are curious. If they don't get answers, or your attitude shows that you aren't going to tell them, then they may stop asking. That means when you deem them old enough to know, you're going to have to make a somewhat bigger deal out of getting the info to them because it won't be a part of a natural conversation. That's OK, but do know that it'll take more planning and might be more awkward for both you and your children.


This is an excellent point and I just wanted it restated.

If you don't answer a question, any question there are a number of ways a child will respond. They will either harass you into answering, look elsewhere for the answer or decide the topic is forbidden (or decide you don't know the answer). None of those options are something I am comfortable with.

A great thing about children is they really only take in as much information as they are ready to handle. As mentioned earlier in the thread---- a child will reread a book multiple times and get something different from it each time.

I know by the time I was into puberty I knew well enough to NEVER ask my mom about anything sexual in nature.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cyllya*
> 
> A family member was able to sexually abuse me when I was 6 by taking advantage of my innocence, so innocence is not something I care for my kids to have! I think if I'd known about the mechanics of sex and heard some of my mom's values on it, I probably wouldn't have gone along with it--in fact, he probably wouldn't have even tried. Even if the abuse had happened, if not for the fact that sex was a total no-no topic in my home, I would have at least been able to tell my mom about it and not had to live the guy for the next 13 years. :/ (And maybe I'd have been able to tell my mom when I started my period... that would have spared me a lot of stress, guilt, and embarrassment in fifth grade... and let me keep that pair of white shorts.)










Totally true--- part of knowing what is normal/expected/acceptable is the other side of the coin--- knowing when something is not normal. It can have huge health impact as well as the acceptance of so many children of abuse, they literally don't know saying "no" or getting help is an option.


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