# Labor induction at 16 weeks - late missed miscarriage



## lovecarrieson

This is an extremely detailed post in hopes that it will help someone else going through a late missed miscarriage. I found a lot of great info on another chat forum, but I wished I could find something on Mothering to hear from women who might have a more similar viewpoint on birth, life, and death to mine (I'm sure it exists on this forum but the search feature didn't turn up anything). Anyway:

We have no children and took a loooong time deciding when to start a family, but finally everything aligned and we started trying. We were fortunate that it only took a short time before we were pregnant. I felt terrible throughout the first four months, but I'm so grateful that I always felt I loved and wanted my baby during the short time I had with him. I know not every mom-to-be feels that way.

We were planning a birth center birth with a midwife. Two weeks ago, we went in for our first u/s at 20 weeks and learned that the baby had no heartbeat. It was a like a nightmare--the u/s technician said she "had a question and needed to step out." I told my husband, "that's not good." He tried to reassure me, but I knew something was very wrong. It turned out the baby was measuring 16-17 weeks. I was beyond, beyond devastated. It felt so wrong. Everyone who knew us had (literally) dreamed about our baby since we got pregnant, and it seemed our baby had such a strong presence. It was impossible to believe he had left us already.

We went to see an OB the following day. It was hard not having a relationship with an OB previously, one of the drawbacks to using a midwife. The OB recommended an induced labor instead of a D&E because of the small risk of injuring the uterus with a D&E. I was terrified to do an induced labor when I'd always planned an unmedicated, out of hospital birth. I'm so glad I did it through, because there is more closure with the induced labor--you get to see the baby, and your body goes through the motions of a labor and therefore gets a chance to understand what has happened.

Due to the Memorial Day weekend we couldn't get into the hospital for another 5 days. Waiting was so hard, but actually it was comforting to still have my baby in me as strange as that sounds. I cried tons and tons, but I also tried to prepare for what was coming by reading about induction at 16 weeks online, looking at pictures online of babies who had died at 16-17 weeks, writing poems to read to my baby after the birth, and relearning the words to a lullaby my mother used to sing to me, which I'd been looking forward to singing to my baby.

I went to the hospital May 28. The one saving grace for me was that I never expected to deliver at the hospital so I didn't have the crazy unreal feeling of going into the place I expected to have a live baby to give birth to my dead baby. For me, hospitals are where you go when something is wrong. I think it would be emotionally hard for a woman planning a hospital birth to go to the same ward for her miscarriage induction. Hospital tips: Bring your own clothes to wear, expect to be cold (i.e., bring a sweatshirt, layers), have pads purchased in advance for when you get home because your own brand will be better than the hospital's, and ask the hospital for some disposable underwear. They were less awkward than wearing no underwear.

I received cytotec vaginally and orally for about 10 hours. It gave me a fever, chills, diarrea and vomiting (sorry for TMI, but these were the type of details I really wanted beforehand). I know it sounds terrible, but when you're in the moment and time has no meaning it's actually tolerable. My mother was there in addition to my husband, and she kept massaging my legs, which helped. The midwife had offered to come, and I finally said "yes, come" because I thought my mom would have to leave eventually to get some sleep and my husband was uncomfortable with some of the feminine things going on (he's from another culture where men are less involved in childbirth, etc.). As it turned out, the baby came before the midwife.

I do wish I'd asked for pain medication sooner. I had contractions that were probably a 6 on the 1-10 pain scale. They told me to just ask when I wanted medication, but somehow I was still waiting for the nurses and doctor to offer it again. Part of it was that I was scared to have the epidural, which I never ended up having. After 10 hours, the doc examined me and said the cervix was only a little dilated. I believe her exam actually caused it to dilate further, though, because I immediately started bleeding afterward.

That's when they gave me a narcotic pain med (nubain), which made me feel out of it but relaxed. They were planning to insert another dilation med called laminaria (made of algae) in the cervix, but all of a sudden while sitting on the toilet the baby came out. I think the pain med and relaxation helped a lot. No pushing was needed because he was so small. They got me and the baby back to the bed, and I asked to see him while he was still attached to me. He was beautiful and perfect, just perfect. I don't believe any mother will ever regret seeing her little one, no matter what the circumstances.

I actually had asked my husband to leave the room during this time, and for my mother to stay with me. Don't get me wrong, my husband is amazing and will be a wonderful birth partner someday, but I wanted to spare him the sight of all that blood and tissue coming out of me given his discomfort with it. Once they had me and the baby cleaned up he came back in and, even though he hadn't been sure if he wanted to see the baby, he decided he did and told me later he was glad he did.

The one thing I was sorry about is that because the baby had been inside me for several weeks after he died, after birth his body very quickly began to return to its natural state. He became a little blobby. Again, I'm just writing these things to help someone else prepare. It seems to be different when the baby wasn't inside for long, as I've heard of moms spending hours with their baby afterward. In my case that really wouldn't have been an option. We were fine with having just 20 minutes or so.

I was sorry my husband didn't get to see our baby boy immediately after the birth because his features were less distinct. We could see his muscular little arms and legs, though, which looked very much like my husband's. We always called the baby "Peanut," and for now and possibly forever that's what we're calling him. I think for us giving a name now wouldn't feel right because Peanut is who he always was to us. Everyone feels differently about these types of things.

We asked the nurses and my mom to leave the room, and I read my poems to our baby and sang the lullaby a few times. During the lullaby I really felt that Peanut was there with us in spirit, and that he liked my singing. I had already decided against taking photos, preferring to take them with my heart. That was very personal preference, as I know many parents do take photos and are glad they did. We also decided to do a cremation at the hospital--it's individual for babies, but you don't get the ashes back. I think holding a funeral or memorial service is a beautiful way to honor your baby's brief life, but in our case we couldn't bear to draw out the goodbye.

Afterward, I was on a pitocin IV for an hour before the placenta was delivered with forceps. It's funny, I had been so terrified of pitocin because of my friends' horrifying experiences on it with full-term live births, but whether it was the pain meds or a lower dosage or whatever, I barely felt a thing. I was relieved and grateful not to need a D&C. However, seeing my empty uterus on the u/s screen was one of the saddest moments of my life. At first I had been so relieved that the baby came out. Later, I was so mentally agitated by flashbacks and grief that I couldn't sleep, so they gave me an ambien.

I wish the doc had told me to lie down for several days after I went home. I was too active the first two days and I think it made me bleed more. Also, the pressure on my lower abdomen when I stand is unpleasant. I'm not really in pain, I just need to lie down and take it sooooooo easy. It's hard to ask for help for every little thing, but that's what I think a woman should do for at least 48 hours and probably more like 4-6 days after an induced miscarriage.

Now I just feel so empty without my baby in me. I have good hours when I feel ok, but I miss him so much when I first wake up and when I try to go to sleep. There are a few thoughts that comfort me--first, that he may want to come back again and be our healthy, full-term child. Second, as hard as it is to accept, perhaps nothing went wrong and everything was as it was meant to be--he came to be with us for a short time, to experience the pure love we gave him, and to stretch us to grow spiritually and emotionally.

In loving memory of Peanut, born sleeping on May 28, 2013.


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## Momsteader

So sorry for your loss  Take it easy physically for sure and just do what feels right. I had a loss at about 15-16 weeks that we didn't realize until 17 weeks. It sounds like you honored Peanut in the way that was perfect for your family. Perhaps others who had later losses will chime in mama. Do you sew? I have found a lot of healing working with a non-profit that makes tiny cloth diapers for families with early losses. teenytears.blogspot.com is the group.


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## lovecarrieson

Thanks so much, momsteader. I don't sew, but I can tell you how much it meant to me to receive a donated teddy bear and crocheted baby blanket at the hospital. I look at that blanket and imagine the woman who crocheted it sending me, a stranger, her love and support. It is one of the few mementos we have of Peanut's existence. You are providing a beautiful service for grieving parents.


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## Jennyanydots

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for telling your story- it was beautifully written, and very sad. ((((Big hugs))))


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## Kamiro

Lovecarrieson- What a fitting screen name for you. Please accept my most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your little Peanut. I really appreciate you taking the time to write the details, and share your story. I know that some day, somewhere it will help a fellow Mama going through what you are going through and I pray that it blesses you in some way to have shared this.

I would also like to state to any one who may be reading -now or in the future- there is a program called "Now I lay me down to sleep" and they do photography for your baby who has passed on- no charge.

The woman who came to the room and did the photography was professionally warm, and gave beautiful photographs of the baby. They know how to photoshop any of the details that photograph not so well out, and came out so much better than any of the pictures I took. If you find yourself losing a baby - ask the hospital if NILMDTS services that area.

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Love- you mentioned the crocheted blanket...Those are so important and when baby came out still in the jumble the parents and I found we had brought no blanket to the hospital. The crochet blanket was beautiful and much appreciated.

Much love to you and may you heal from this....


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## lovecarrieson

Thank you so much, Jennyanydots & Kamiro. The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep foundation does an amazingly beautiful service for bereaved parents. I just found this article on their website that I thought was a great description of the journey of grief and healing--grief is thrust upon us, but healing must be our choice.


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## littlehazelnut

Thank you for this. I am about to go through this tomorrow morning and I'm really scared. It's nice to have some information so that I can know a bit about what to expect.


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## lovecarrieson

Oh Littlehazelnut, I am so very, very sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. I was so scared, too. I see that you already have a child, and you should just know that this will be very different from a live birth, as it should be. Don't even think of them as two versions of the same thing because they're totally different.

It definitely wasn't scary AT ALL, just incredibly sad and surreal. The nurses took such good care of me, were very sweet, and put me in a room away from the other moms (you should request this if it's at all possible, and please have someone advocate for you if anyone forgets to be completely gentle and compassionate with you).

Tomorrow it's all about letting go, mentally, spiritually, physically. After that, please be so kind and gentle with yourself. Grieve as long as you need to. Take time for yourself or whatever heals you. Know that your husband probably won't experience the loss in the same way as you (how could he, really?). Know that some people will say sucky, unhelpful things to you and some people will be amazing. Know that grief is cyclical and nonlinear and anything you feel is normal. Know that you don't even necessarily have to grieve for a long time--follow your heart. Know that you'll get through this.

I will not lie, it was a difficult journey to healing for me personally. But I have a 5-month old daughter now, and I really feel that some of Peanut's energy or spirit is in her. I don't want to put my beliefs on you, just saying that I don't feel like he is completely lost to us in some mysterious way. I finally told my husband this last week and he said he felt the same way, which was a big surprise!

I'm a completely different person for having experienced the loss, and while of course no one would wish for it I also can't exactly wish it hadn't happened because it has so profoundly become a part of who I am.

Lots of love, hugs, blessings, light.


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## littlehazelnut

Well, it's been 3 days since I delivered our little boy. I went in on March 11 and he was born sleeping at 8:20 on March 13, exactly 48 hours later. The induction didn't go as planned, as the Cytotec didn't really work on me and it took me a very long time to dilate. I ended up having a balloon device inserted around my cervix to finally allow the baby to pass. I was so scared for a period of time that I would have to have a D&E and that we wouldn't be able to hold our baby. But, finally he came and we held him and cried and took pictures. He was perfect, fully formed and nothing wrong. His cord was knotted and wrapped tightly around his neck. It feels so unfair to have lost him to this sort of freak accident, but at the same time it's comforting to know that I couldn't have changed the outcome if I had done things differently. It's been so very hard, but we have so many amazing people around us who have been showering us with prayer, hugs, meals, gifts and just checking on us daily. 

This has been possibly just as difficult for my DH as is has been for me. We were expecting a little boy, who we had planned to name after my DH's brother and dad. Now they are both holding our baby in heaven. Adding to the pain of this loss is the fact that we will probably not attempt to have any more children. I am 37 and DH is 44, and though we both wanted this baby so much, we knew that going through pregnancy and the newborn phase was going to be physically grueling for us. I was so sick during my first trimester and we are both just worn out and tired after 2 back to back losses. While we are in no hurry to make any permanent decisions, I just don't think we can go through this again. It feels like this decision has been made for us and it's not what we wanted, to complete our family at 3 instead of 4. 

So, for now we are just taking it a day at a time, trying to be gentle with one another and giving ourselves room and time to grieve. It's been difficult to explain this to our daughter, but she is the bright sunshine that keeps us going at this point. Thank you again for sharing your story and for your words of encouragement. :stillheart:


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