# How do you answer this question?



## strmis (Dec 31, 2006)

Not that I've encountered this situation.. yet. But how would you answer questions along the lines of "do you have any kids" or "how many children do you have"?

My dh and I have our one wonderful baby girl in Heaven. She's our only child and of course we love her and always want to aknowledge her, but how would I answer without the awkwardness of the "I'm sorrys" that come along with the answer "we do, but..." or is that something that we should just come to expect?


----------



## Mindi22 (Jun 28, 2005)

This is just me, but I think it's ok (especially if you want to avoid the awkwardness) not to mention her until you know someone better. That's not denying her memory or anything like that, but it can be very awkward in a new situation or with someone you don't know very well. Also, many people view losses as very personal, so they may feel it's kind of like mentioning that you and DH did the deed last night when you just met someone. Ummmm... what do you say to that???

That said, it also might depend on how far along you were when you lost her. Not that an early loss is any less worth remembering than a later loss, but unless someone has been through it, they wouldn't understand that.

Your loss is very fresh and recent, and you need to do whatever you need to remember her and honor her. In spite of everything I just said, if what you need to do makes someone else uncomfortable, that's their issue, not yours!

HTH!
-Mindi


----------



## trini (Sep 20, 2005)

Well, to my dh, the question "how many children do you have" was always heard as the implied "how many living children do you have" so he always answerend "none." That would break my heart. I started answering matter-of-factly "We have a son in heaven." Who cares about awkward? It's reality. I'll tell you one thing, I try to never ask those seemingly innocent questions to anyone anymore.

When I was pg with ds2 and people would ask, "Is this your first?" I could answer simply and honestly "no."

Now that we have ds2, I usually say, "We have one in heaven and one here with us."

Hugs to you.


----------



## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

I have been saying I have three, but I lost a baby when I was 5 months pregnant back in August. Again, I don't say that unless I feel comfortable with the person. I definately don't say that to clients or professional aquaintances.


----------



## gaeasun (Mar 5, 2004)

I have been dealing with this for a long time, as we lost our first daughter to cancer almost 6 years ago, but in December we had a stillborn son. It is a great question, and one I have a tough time answering. I haven't had to answer that question since we lost our son. However, I own a maternity store, and have this conversation all the time. Sometimes it depends on the question. Like, "How many children have you had?" I have given birth to 4 children, so I am likely to answer 4. But if they ask, "How many children do you have?" I am more likely to answer 2. But I have gotten caught with the 1st answer many times, when people say, "How old are your kids?" or something like that as a follow up.

Then you have to explain, and that makes people uncomfortable-which may be OK in a social situation, but it is rough to tell a glowing, pregnant mom shopping in your store about the death of children. In our society, death is so taboo, and people don't know what to say or how to react.

My DH is more private than me, and always answers 2. He does not want to get into it.

I would love to hear more words of wisdom, because I don't know how I am going to answer that question when I go back to the store. I have a feeling I will start saying 2 like my husband, because the last thing a new parent has to hear about is children dying.


----------



## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I say I have 3 children. A 12 yr dd, a 9 yr ds & my dd passed away in 6/05, with a new hope due in May 07.
The more I say it, the easier & less akward it is. If they ask her age or how, I just say she died at birth. Usually that ends their questions.
You need to go with what you feel comfortable with. For me it took some practice but now it just rolls off the tongue.


----------



## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

This is a previous thread I I posted on earlier in my grief journey with a similar conversation that I thought you might find helpful. To be honest, I still struggle with this question, but it is not as difficult as it once was to answer. I think you eventually find what is comfortable for you and a particular situation. At the time our daughter was stillborn 4 1/2 years ago, everyone around us knew, so it wasn't very often that I had to answer such things, except by strangers. Now, we are with a different group of people and it comes up more often. I have found that by being matter of fact in my answer and tone, and making eye contact, people don't usually them and haw quite so much. There is always a sorry type comment, to which I acknowledge with a nod and/or a thank you. My comment is generally something along the lines of "we have 2 boys and our daughter passed away 4 years ago." Most people don't take the conversation any further about her, but if they do, we usually tell them she was stillborn due to a cord injury. For me, our daughter's death mainly comes up in conversations about are we having any more children or why we chose to adopt when we did. For me, pg is AMA, and so a little more detail comes out in that explanation (I developed severe early preeclampsia in both pg, although, ironically, DD was stillborn due to a cord injury). Depending on who I am speaking with, I generally say it just like what I put in ().

I hope you find the answer that works well for you. It is a question that none of us should have to think about how to answer, and I'm really sorry for you and all of us that we do.


----------



## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

Oh, I have really been struggling with that question lately. Sometimes I say I have one child, if I don't know the person at all, and sometimes I say two, one living and one in heavan. But I find that when I tell people that I only have one child, I can't look them in the eye, because I feel like I am lying. I would really like to get to the point where I can say that I have two kids without making it so awkward. I get butterflies in my stomach when I meet people, just waiting for them to ask me that question. And people lately seem to ask, so when are you going to have more? And I seem to be able to answer that question a little more easily. I say, we actually had a son in October who died.


----------



## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Frankiesmom* 
Oh, I have really been struggling with that question lately. Sometimes I say I have one child, if I don't know the person at all, and sometimes I say two, one living and one in heavan. *But I find that when I tell people that I only have one child, I can't look them in the eye, because I feel like I am lying. I would really like to get to the point where I can say that I have two kids without making it so awkward.* I get butterflies in my stomach when I meet people, just waiting for them to ask me that question. And people lately seem to ask, so when are you going to have more? And I seem to be able to answer that question a little more easily. I say, we actually had a son in October who died.

yes yes yes! That is how I feel! Like I'm lying. I want a shirt or sweater hoodie that I can wear that flat out says-

I have 4 kids:
~ a spunky daughter
~ a profound son who lived 6hr 51 minutes
~ 2 other angel babies through miscarriage

Then that way I can avoid the awkward question of "how many?"


----------



## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I always say I have 2 children. Right now, I'm not comfortable with saying that I have 4 children, as I only carried the twins 6 weeks and while I consider them my children, I just don't want to get into the whole long explanation only to have someone say "oh, it was just a miscarriage". But I do always respond that I have one living son and one son who is no longer living.

For me, it's not really awkward anymore, as either you'll find that someone else will open up to you and mention that they lost a child as well, or you'll never see them again.







:


----------



## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

For me, it really depends on the situation. At work or with strangers, I am less likely to mention my loss so I say none - only one person at work here knows about it. I wouldn't want people here to walk on eggshells around me though I am constantly hurt when I see pregnant women and small babies. It's not their problem though.

If its someone I know I will have interactions with on a regular basis, I mention my baby. I say I had a stillbirth or my baby died before birth.


----------



## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gaeasun* 

Then you have to explain, and that makes people uncomfortable-which may be OK in a social situation, but it is rough to tell a glowing, pregnant mom shopping in your store about the death of children. In our society, death is so taboo, and people don't know what to say or how to react.


I know what you mean. I had a horrible experience a few weeks after I gave birth to my baby. I had inadvertently mentioned my loss to a woman I was selling non baby related items to - I felt like I had to explain why I looked so horrible, why I was moving suddenly, why my breasts were leaking (I didn't know how to deal with it).

She was pregnant and not showing and she totally freaked out. She screamed at me to get out of her house and that I was bad karma or something like that. I almost drove off the side of the road and then ended up hitting someone's truck (minor finder bender) on my way home.

From then on, I am extremely careful who I mention this to. I don't want to experience another freak out because I may not be so nice next time. I might just let them have it.

I was so upset.


----------



## gaeasun (Mar 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *barose* 
She was pregnant and not showing and she totally freaked out. She screamed at me to get out of her house and that I was bad karma or something like that. I almost drove off the side of the road and then ended up hitting someone's truck (minor finder bender) on my way home.
I was so upset.


Wow, that is an extreme reaction! I am sorry you had to deal with that, especially right after your loss. I wish people could be more loving and gentle.







: A simple, "I am sorry for your loss," goes a long way. It certainly reminds me that I should be careful at work who I tell.


----------



## barose (Dec 6, 2006)

I know her reaction was extreme, but I'm sure other people feel the same way.







I've been pretty quiet every since, but its so hard to bite your tongue sometimes.


----------



## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I have had to think about this question a lot lately. How many children do I have?

I had a MC at 18 weeks and then near the due date of my son, I lost my daughter as well. It has been hard to answer that question without a lot of explanation. So, for me, the answer is based on the circumstances.

If I am being asked, in a reference sort of way to determine how many people will be there (or like the other day when I was buying groceries and the cashier was commenting on the amount and asked how many children I had), I say six. But if some just asks about me and how many children I have, I will say 8. I don't want to "forget" about my lost loves, so I like to keep them in the count.


----------



## CalebsMama05 (Nov 26, 2005)

I have two beautiful sons and one very much loved angel


----------



## levar (Jan 28, 2002)

"I have one son." But I've been pregnant four times. Only CLOSE friends and family members know how many times I've been pregnant. I don't bring it up. Period. And if someone asks "do you have children" it has always been in a social sort of "what do you do for a living" "where do you live"casual conversation question anyway...


----------



## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

I always, always, *always* say I have three children. I only go into details if someone asks for details, which is actually not that common. When it happens it's usually "how old are they?" in which case I say, "four months, three years, and my first son would have been ___". Sometimes they want to know more, sometimes they don't. By acting like I have no shame talking about it, it opens up the door for them to either skirt around what they are uncomfortable with, or ask more questions to me because they are curious.

I find that the vast majority of people who get to that point actually WANT to know more... like how he died, or how old he was, but they are terrified it would make me 'too sad'. If I act like I have no problem talking about it (which I don't) most people cautiously ask more. They feel embarrassed to be curious, but I think it's good to talk about it as much as I can and acknowledge him as much as I can.


----------

