# I hate my three year old right now



## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Please help me, mamas...I'm at the end of my patience with my 3.5 dd. I've tried hard to remain calm and patient and I'm losing it with her tantrums and stubbornness.

Today she had a friend over in the morning and kept pushing him and grabbing her things saying she didn't want to share, so we cut the play date short. (It's a neighbor child and another SAHM that we see often.)

This afternoon, after spending time with her baking and going on a walk and getting a short nap, we visited other neighbors and she had a huge tantrum when we left b/c she didn't want to go. I saw it coming and tried to help her transition, saying we would need to leave soon after 10 more pushes on the swing, counted them, it seemed to be working and then... I had to carry her across the street screaming. (Did I mention I'm 4 months pregnant?
















Got her to calm down, talked with her and said if she is going to do that when we visit people, we may have to take a break from visiting for a little while, and I didn't want that to happen. Then another neighbor girl saw her, wanted to play, we went over, and...same scene all over again.

I'm exhausted and frustrated and mad. I know it's normal behavior for her age, but I'm at the end of my rope with her. I probably should have cut out visiting with anyone this afternoon, but that feels so punitive to me, when she loves it so much. Maybe this was just a bad day.

I don't know, and I would really love ideas and how to deal with this.


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## uptowngirl (Jun 9, 2008)

well, she loves it---but on her terms. She needs to know you're in charge. tell her the rules beforehand and tell her she has three strikes. Warn the other mom that on strike three, you will have to leave ----and GO. When you get home, no TV or computer. Make her understand that the world has other people in it, who matter. BTDT, mama. hugs!


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## I-AM-Mother (Aug 6, 2008)

sounds like you need a good cry right now. have you tried that?

another thing I would also recommend is that you change the word "hate" to something like "frustrated." The last thing you want to do is to start thinking that you actually hate your baby.

Also, if you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed I would recommend you begin the process of cutting visits with friends short (so that she gets used to it) and also learn how to cut visits out if necessary. You can find a good balance for the two of you.

Good Luck!


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## mama2toomany (Oct 17, 2005)

With my dd, My dd is 3.5 and still doesn't talk more then 4 word sentences so the tantrums are often







Not horrible and sometimes yes I have to pick her up to leave.

I chalk it up to her having these feelings she can't express or know how to put into words what she is feeling.

every so often I freak out in my brain that "omg what am I going to do!" and find myself not wanting to be mommy right now.

It happens and I usually deal well and then I have dh take her and then I decompress, something my toddler doesn't know how to do. so I take a bath, even if its for 3 hours and read a book. then afterwards I meditate and breathe in and out in deep breaths before I go back out and calm myself some more.

It helps me!

Hugs, be gentle with yourself.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *odenata* 
I know it's normal behavior for her age,

Is it fair to "hate" a kid for normal behavior for their age? Feel frustrated, wish for the next age, feel impatient, but please not hate.

It sounds like it is time to remind yourself this is normal. She's doing her job as a kid. Part of her job is to tantrum, to separate herself, to have little control of her impulses. Your job as her mom is to keep trying to set limits and gently teach her. As frustrating as this is for you, it has to be even more frustrating for her.


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## Redifer (Nov 25, 2006)

Ahhh... 3.5. We just went through this. And honestly, there were times that, though I loved my DD, immensely, painfully, soul-crushingly loved her.... I just didn't, well, like being AROUND her.

Then, I decided to give up trying to fight the age. I had tried EVERYTHING. Until I literally just gave up. I made my mind a blank state and started from scratch as though she were my first child, in a newborn state.

When she would have a meltdown, if I could handle it, I'd sit with her, speaking softly but sparesly, and gave her the room to feel her feelings, express her anger/rage/hurt/frustration, and just give her the acceptance that she needed, despite her behavior. If I did feel my stress level rising, I would simply give her her comfort objects, give her a hug, and remove myself to the front porch where she could see me. From there, I would meditate quickly to bring myself back to a calm state, and then head back inside and essentially, wait out the storm.

Finally, after watching me meditate and remove myself to compose my thoughts, she started doing the same. She would give me a hug, and go to her bedroom, where she would lie down on her bed and stare at the ceiling, lost in thought. In a few minutes, she would come out and we'd chat.

Now, she's 4 years and 3 months old, and we have maybe one tiny tantrum a day. And she'll excuse herself from the room as politely as she can (and sometimes, that's pretty close to "I'm going to my room and going to bed! SLAM!), and go 'chill' for a minute. Then we'll chat it out. We'll be calm enough to deal with each other.

Seriously, the only way I had to deal with her at the time was to keep myself calm. We're both so alike: laid-back, but explosive. And when the explosion happens, nothing can stop it. And stubborn









Giving up my expectations of what she 'should' be, how she 'should' react and 'should' think and 'should' do things changed everything. I kept letting society and friends and family and my own pre-children fantasies about my kids get in the way of HER. She's a real person, with real quirks and talents and flaws, and she's entitled to them. And that is a ROUGH age. I found as soon as I just 'started over' with her, in essence, and gave her a blank slate and the freedom to explode if need be, and removed myself from the situation if I knew I was getting too irritated/pent up/frustrated/felt myself slipping back into old expectations... she over the course of about 2 months reeeeaaalllllly mellowed out. I think she felt the relief from my overbearing, though non-verbal, expectations from her.

I hope that kind of makes sense.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Don't you just wish they wouldn't make every-flippin-thing an issue?

Just once, can we have fun, and end the day without a single meltdown?

And, YES, We all have those days (weeks/months) where we love them, but we don't actually LIKE them.

No ideas for you... just an understanding smile. Maybe a rum and Coke? (for you, not her)


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## nathansmum (Nov 13, 2003)

Redifer, that's such a nice post and such a timely reminder for me too with an almost 3.5yr old. I took the same approach with my ds when he was 3 and it worked wonders. I'm finding my little miss another kettle of fish, but I know the same approach (quietly being with her and allowing her to feel her emotions and feelings in her own space yet remaining loving and present with her without trying to change her) would be well worth the time and effort.

I need to refind my ability to deattach my own fieryness in the heat of the moment and know that it's not about me and to not take it personally...

Thanks...I hope your advice helps the OP too.

It was Naomi Aldort's book that helped me in taking this approach and probably about time I reread her.


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

I remember thinking that a friend of mine was so odd, when she told me that she and her 3 year old had been arguing for days, and she just coudln't take it anymore. So instead of the 3 of us going wedding gown shopping together, I took her 3 year old! (who was perfect with me, LOL, as kids tend to be with not-their-parents)

And then my boy-o turned 3 and started acting like that. Boy oh boy did I wish my friend and I were still close enough that I could send him off with her some days!!!!









I think you should probably cool it with the play dates for awhile. My guy gets overstimulated by stuff sometimes, and even though he begs and pleads to do things, if I stand firm b/c I know it's right for him (like putting some movies away for awhile, b/c his behavior was getting really bad while watching them), I can see by his actions and hear by his words that it was right. So even though she's asking for the play time, it still might be too much for her right now.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

The only thing I thought may have been missing from your approach is validating and giving voice to her feelings.

Sometimes LOs need to know we hear and understand their feelings.

Clearly her needs/wants are in conflict with yours. She may need even more of a transition than you have given her.

Also, before the playdate, go over the sequence of events and expectations several times...first we'll play with X and then I'll give you a 5 minute notice and then we will have to leave because it will be time for Y (some other thing she likes to do) When we say goodbye, we don't cry, we say thank you etc... have your LO repeat it back to you as much as she can.

You could do some roleplaying too. You could reverse roles too. Heck, maybe you could have a pretend tanturm before the visit ends and let her try to calm you down.

V


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## lolalola (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Don't you just wish they wouldn't make every-flippin-thing an issue?

Just once, can we have fun, and end the day without a single meltdown?

And, YES, We all have those days (weeks/months) where we love them, but we don't actually LIKE them.

No ideas for you... just an understanding smile. Maybe a rum and Coke? (for you, not her)









:

I have a tantrum-throwing 3 year old...I totally understand. I keep asking people "This is a phase, right? He's gonna grow out of this, right?...right?"


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

aw, hugs to you!! i've had "hate" moments myself. i ain't proud of course... but it's true!!! in fact, i actually began looking into gentle discipline after my son was born. my dd was this very tall verbal 2 1/2 year old that had all of these "needs" that i honestly COULD NOT figure out how to meet! she seemed impossible!! ...and then throw a new baby into the mix, and oh yea, i had some hate moments! ...it was a feeling of powerlessness & helplessness, i know! they're called power struggles!! lol. and it really sounds like you are in the thick of power struggles galore! my advice is to give your dd as much control or input as you can in all areas of her life (obviously within the context of her age here), & hopefully your flexibility will help her inflexibility, yk? i find if you allow as much flexibility as possible, then when you actually need your child to listen and comply, they often are very willing too. my dd _needed_ (and still does) to have control over many things. she's very strong willed and we fought a lot when she was 2 & 3!!! once *i* let go of some control & allowed her to make decisions, have choices as much as possible, and really contribute her thoughts...we started to get along fabulously!! i thought i was flexible with her already of course (which i was - i wasn't mean or anything!!)...but when i really tuned in, i realized that some things she wanted, i would say "no" & not change my stance no matter what. i was inflexible. but i began to ask myself, why not? really, what's the big deal if she does that? who cares if she wears that? so what if...? etc.

you know what? we get along fabulously now and she is amazing!!! now... i'm certainly not saying you don't do this with your dd. i don't know. i don't know you. i just wanted to give you something to think about.







hugs!


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## seattlenatural (Mar 10, 2006)

Hello Odenata. I never come on here anymore but I saw your post randomly tonight and had to respond. We hung out in your old 'hood, yeah?

Anyways, my big girl did the SAME THING when she was little. And then she progressed to hitting me. Oh, good times. I would say transitions got a lot better after about age 5 or so. See, she's a nice kid now, huh?

For me, the key was to act like I didn't care at all, and not to get emotionally involved. As in, I knew she was going to freak when we had to leave, but I could control my own reaction, which was to just accept that she was going to freak and move on. I did do the validating all the while: calmly saying "man, you are sooo mad we have to leave, you're having so much fun and if I had a magic wand, we would stay all day, but, bummer..." Just talking it through like that helped me to stay calm too.

We also gave her choices: do you want to leave now or in 5 minutes. Sometimes it helped, sometimes not. I still do that with my younger: do you want me to carry you to the car or would you like to walk...but you are going to the car, I'm sorry you feel so mad about it.

Alfie Kohn would not approve, but AK doesn't live at my house or apparently, have commitments like a job and stuff. Lucky for him.

PM me off list if you want any more useless advice.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Redifer* 
Giving up my expectations of what she 'should' be, how she 'should' react and 'should' think and 'should' do things changed everything. I kept letting society and friends and family and my own pre-children fantasies about my kids get in the way of HER. She's a real person, with real quirks and talents and flaws, and she's entitled to them.

Yes, yes, yes. This is the best outlook for me as well (though I let expectations creep in, and things go awry), with people in GENERAL.

They say the 2nd half of a year (3.5, 4.5, etc.) is typically harder. I have found that to be true. I remember DD was very difficult at 4.5, and I thought she'd be REALLY hard once her 2nd sister was born, right when she turned 5. But, the opposite happened . . .she was amazingly calmer and easy-going, right when the most chaos was happening. She's 6.5 now, and I am sensing we are going to have to ride some choppy waves, but releasing those expectations and focusing on PROBLEM SOLVING are keys to my sanity.

(So is getting enough sleep!)


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