# Do your girls masturbate?



## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Dd1, when she was about 3 or 4 discovered grinding. The first time it was more than 2 hours constant! I know it's normal and a stress reliever, but she didn't stop doing "the bum thing" until she was about 8.

Then tonight, dd2, who is almost 4, and very familiar with her anatomy, was lying in bed, naked. She told me that she could put her finger in the hole in her vulva. I asked her what the hole was called, and she said vagina. By this time, the finger was in. Then she said "It tickles. That's why I move", as she is um, moving!

I'm glad she is so comfortable with herself, but is the penetration a bit much at that age?


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## TeaBag (Dec 18, 2003)

I don't know, my dd isn't yet two, but she's discovered herself as well. She's trying to potty train herself and so spends most of her time naked....I constantly am finding her with the lips of her labia spread so she can *see me* (her words)...makes me nervous, mostly because I wonder if her hands are clean and what she's pushing up inside herself....


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

You are brave for posting this thread, and I think it might be hard for people tp respond.
I know that I remember doing "the bum thing" and grinding when I was little maybe like 4 or 5. Then I don't remember being interested again until like 12 or 13 when we had some female anatomy in sex ed and I went serching cause I didn't know that there was an "extra hole down there". (thought there was just a rectum and a little hole to pee out of. duh. my mother didn't do such a good job explaining the birds and bees. never occured to me a baby would need an exit.) Anyway, I would think penetration was extreme for her age- except I have a friend whos 3 year old likes to put things in "the place my babies are gonna come out when I am a mama" to put it in her own words- and I know she's never been abused or anything and her mother is sooooo carefull about what she's exposed to. I have a 7 year old who likes to rock her pelvis when she's going to sleep. That started maybe 6 mos age. And to tell you the truth, it freaks me out. The only explaination that I get from her is that it feels good.
I think it is hard for concerned moms not to worry about stuff....... but it's probably ok or nrl for your kid. I guess it's just like sucking your thumb, biting your finger nails or picking your nose. Isn't it just a habit?
I don't think it means that there has been sexual abuse or molestation , do you? Sorry, that probably isn't even where you were going with this..... that is just what I worry about with it (even though I did it and was never sexually abused or anything inappropriate).
I think our society is so unhealthy sexually- and mentally so we percieve nrl sexuality as skewed that that is where most people go with it.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I don't think it means that there has been sexual abuse or molestation , do you?

Gosh no, not a chance!! But while I know that most kids at some stage masturbate, I didn't think it was that "obvious".


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

Sorry, wasn't trying to insinuate that there was a chance of sex abuse. Like I said I am so anxious and worried all the time that I am getting this parenting thing "right" that I worry "what if I missed something?". I was letting my own insecurity get in there.

I think most kids disguise it as play- because it is, in a way. Your daughter and you just must have a good, open dialogue and she was honest and described that it felt good and why and demonstrated it.


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## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

My little sister "tickled [her] pee-pee" for the longest time. But it seemed to end sometime around 10 yo. My mom, amazing woman that she is, just ignored it. She seemed to think that it was funny, in a way and I imagine just kept telling herself it was natural. You know, oddly enough, I don't think it's weird that my son is forever playing with himself at all. You think that's deep-rooted sexism? Or do you think that maybe it's acceptable 'cause it's just hanging out there all the time?


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## shanleysmama (Mar 9, 2002)

I swore I was going to be so cool and calm with my kids about sex, but I find myself getting embarrassed about stuff. I know when my DD was 2 she "discovered" herself, as did most of her friends (according to their moms). Now I don't hear much about it so I don't know what the other 4yo's are up to. DD does like to sit on my foot and wants me to swing her (when I am sitting and have my legs crossed, she uses my leg like a swing) and if I don't she rubs on my foot. Our bathtub has a water jet and when she's in our tub she will put her butt in front of the water stream, LOL.
I don't know what my DD does in the bathroom. I have caught her checking herself out in the mirror before, but that's about it. I have heard of mom's telling their sons to not masturbate under the covers while they are getting their bedtime story, so I think it's the same thing (as to what is "obvious" masturbation), LOL.

Melanie


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## tricia80 (Oct 28, 2003)

I have caught my dd who is 5 spreading her vagina apart and trying to see whats down there... i dont know if she has ever penetrated down there at all... i dont see an issue with it... shes been doing it since she was a babe...

my mom who is a nurse has said when i was younger she would worry becuz she would have little girls who stuck soap crayons up there in the shower/bath and their parents didnt monitor what they were doing...

i think the issue is that this society has misconstruded normal behavior and made ppl feel like sexual deviants or whatever... (cant find appropriate words tonight) i see no issues with masturbation... i did it when i was younger and curious... and my dd will probably end up doing it too... i will never make her feel like its gross or inappropriate... she knows now if she wants to look at her vagina etc she can do so privately... some ppl probably dont think thats right but i dont think its anything to be ashamed of... i think it is something to be done privately though...


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

i did this when i was a child, and was shamed for it and made to believe i was "bad" and "dirty" and that all that sort of thing, that whole part of my anatomy, was somehow just gross and wrong...

it took years to get over that stigma.

with my son, we're teaching him that touching himself is a private thing, and he's welcome to do it in the bathroom or in the bath or in his room, when *nobody else* is around. but it's not ok to do it with other people around, it's not appropriate (for awhile we'd be out at the store, park, on the bus, wherever and he'd stick his hand in his diaper and start playing w/ himself)...

self-exploration is a natural thing BUT i really feel that children need to understand that while it's totally normal, it's also private. otherwise, who knows what they'll do when they're at school or w/ friends...? i heard about some kindegarteners at the local elementary (my neighbor's daughter was one of them, which was how i found out) that were having play-sex in the corner of the playground. i think if kids are taught that those are private things, they'll be less likely to do stuff like this...

also i think the penetration is a bit much for a child that young, and IMO really broke some social boundaries that she did it in front of anyone else.

just my 2 cents.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

Yep, all mine do this (1 dd, 2 ds) even the wee babe.:LOL I think it's totally normal. I do tell them that it's "private" for their room and that it's just for them. I feel this saves us from some awkwardness (if that's even a real word!







) when company's over but more importantly helps them learn boundries about their genitals. I tie in the "it's private" for just you with the "it's not for anyone else.", KWIM?


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

I think the fact that she did it with you there is healthy. She is comfortable with you and thankfully doesn't see anything wrong with it. Penatration is just another form of exploration. Ben does all kinds of tricks with his penis, including trying to hang things from it. I can see where an additional worry would come in with a little girl putting an object inside herself because she could hurt herself or get something stuck. But that is not what I am reading from the OP.

I have not personally dealt with this with Ellie. She knows all of the correct terminology for her anantomy, but I have not been aware of her doing this yet.


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## tracymom (Mar 11, 2002)

and can't address the issue of the penetration, but I do think it was great that she felt comfortable talking to you about it. My DS2 was more interested in his genitals than DS1 and went thru a phase where he was wanting to show me how he played with it. I talked to him about how it was private and if he wanted to do that he needed to go to the bedroom or bathroom and be alone, that it wasn't something we shared. I had to remind him gently several times while hiding my grins. I was torn between dismay and humor that he thought so much of me that he wanted to share! :LOL


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Thanks all. I know exploration is normal, it was the finger bit I was worried about.

Annakiss, yeah, people don't think twice about boys doing it, do they??

klothos







Thank you for sharing.

I would never shame either of them, but I must admit it was hard to keep a straight face at the time, she was so pleased with herself.


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## lizziejean (Feb 8, 2003)

I have big issues with this! My dd who is 3 sticks her finger in all the time... whenever she is naked, basically, she is playing with herself... I try to make it quick! the naked time I mean... and I always want to tell her to wash her hands if I see her with her hand down her pants, but I don't want to make her feel like she's dirty, although she kind of is down there don't you think??? aagh

I was brought up in a very repressed house and would never have done any of this, I don't remember ever discussing it with my mom but I did know you just didn't touch anything down there... which really screwed me up, still does to this day... so I'm really struggling with this, I want to be open but it so grosses me out... she's totally natural with it... the other day she was like 'what's this diamond shape thing that I'm touching?' and I said 'your clitoris' (we've talked about all the bits and pieces a few times) and then she wanted to review labia, vagina etc... then without missing a beat she went on to some other obscure body parts she's learning eg eyelash, wrist etc... so I think I'm doing something right! Although I had trouble the other day when I had her lying down trying to clean her properly (she never wipes very successfully) and she stuck her finger in and then said 'where's my finger mommy.... here it is!!!!' omg what the hell was I supposed to say????? this is too hard...

I do think I'll enforce the 'just by yourself' rule - then I wouldn't have to have it in my face so much, don't you think?

advice welcome...


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lizziejean*
said 'where's my finger mommy.... here it is!!!!' omg what the hell was I supposed to say????? ...

roflmao
i wouldve cracked up. that's too funny. my dd is into her vulva big time, and i'm totally cool with that. she knows all her parts proper names, and feels comfortable exploring her body, though we are teaching her that touching her vulva is something that she needs to do in her privacy, not in public. kids won't usually do something that hurts themselves, kwim? i think, in response to the op, i wouldnt worry about the penetration.

good point that noone ever wonders about what's healthy and normal for boys like we do for girls... thats sucky. i've read that womyn have more nerve endings in the clitoris than men have in the entire penis-it should be expected that girls would play with themselves. maybe tmi, but i'm 25, i STILL play with myself


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## julie128 (Jan 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mom4tot*
I think the fact that she did it with you there is healthy. She is comfortable with you and thankfully doesn't see anything wrong with it. Penatration is just another form of exploration. Ben does all kinds of tricks with his penis, including trying to hang things from it.









:

I think DD3y checks herself out every now and again. I'm not sure how far it goes. I just assume she will start to masturbate at some point because I did it from a very young age.


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## QueeTheBean (Aug 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shanleysmama*
I swore I was going to be so cool and calm with my kids about sex, but I find myself getting embarrassed about stuff. Melanie


OMG--me, too. It is so sad--I am so uptight.


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

some of these stories cracked me up!! My dd is 11 months, and she is just starting to allow her fingers to wander down when i'm changing her diaper, so I know what's coming! thanks for the preview.

funny, kind of related side note- she obviously knows what she and i have, cause when she she's dh naked (like getting in the shower if we are all in the bathroom in the morning, or getting dressed) she
*stares* at his penis! the first couple times she really noticed, she was making scared whiny noises. it was a riot. dh wears a bathingsuit in the tub with her cause she wants to grab and explore... which leads me to a question (and sorry to sabatoge the OP- we can move to another thread if necessary)

How do you handle nudity in your house between sexes?


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

No need to start a new thread!

We have two girls and we are openly (but casually) naked around them. But we also have foster kids, and we cover around them, mainly to protect ourselves from allegations.


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## tricia80 (Oct 28, 2003)

im openly naked around dd... but then again its jus us and the cats.... :LOL


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## Persephone (Apr 8, 2004)

I'm really interested in this thread. I know that I was aware of my sexuality from a young age, but that it was totally innocent til I got way older. I don't want my kids to have sex/body hang ups, so I'm watching this thread closely. I think that being clear that nudity in itself is not a sexual thing is a good way to start.

I've sort of hesitated posting here, because I feel like I've been linking like crazy, but these are two books I want to get when I have kids:

http://www.frombirthtopuberty.com/index.html (This one was recommended to me by another mom)

http://tinyurl.com/yusyy (This is one I found while browsing. I've only read what is on the site, but it looks like a good book.)

Both relate to children's sexuality. I hope they help someone.


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## Aura_Kitten (Aug 13, 2002)

you know, i started thinking about this thread last night (it's one of those ones that just sticks, :LOL) and i remembered something that had happened w/ my son, right about when he turned 3...

i walked into his room and he was sitting on his floor, naked, with his thumb up his butt, and very calmly observed to me that it "kind of hurt."

i went...








then







then :LOL and calmed down enough to tell him he shouldn't be doing it if it hurt, and to please not do that around other people. i walked out and told him to wash his hands when he was finished.

so... i guess this is normal. i have absolutely no experience w/ girls that age though (yet).


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

OMG, that is funny. I guess I shouldn't be soooo uptight and worried. All of you are soooo cool about this. I pretend to my kids I'm ok, I don't make them feel bad or dirty about it but inside I am getting anxious and worried about if it's ok and normal. I wish I was c







onfident and collected like ya'll.


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## Oregonicmama (Aug 13, 2002)

Hey, glad to have found this thread. Dd is almost three and she doesn't masturbate yet, but she definitley likes to "look at my body" as she puts it. She is pretty mellow abut it, but she likes to sit on the couch spread eagle and spread out her labia and thoroughly look herself over for a few minutes at a time. She also likes to sit with her legs spread over the arms of her chair whenever possible. I don't think its abnormal. She doesn't do it in public or when we have company, I do wish she would do it only in her room/bath, etc. She tells me it tickles whenever I wash her genitals in the bath or use babywipes on her. I do not like this at all, but i remember telling my mom the same thing. Our society so warps us sexually, I have to really give it a lot of thought when I am reacting to her on such issues.
As for nudity, I am openly nude with my daughter. How can't I be, I haven't peed by myself in three years!?! She is curious about daddy's peepee and how different it is from ours, so to prevent any grabbing, etc. dp is more careful about nudity around her. She loves to be naked. She is usually undressed within 20 minutes of getting dressed. I am trying to get her to at least keep on her panties.
I wouldn't worry about your daughters penetration. It is so good that she doesn't feel like she has to be all weird and secretive with you about that sort of thing. You should deffinitely try to build off that. I wish I could have taked to my mom about sex. I had my best friends mom take me to get on the pill in high school. Thank god she was around, or I'd have 8 kids by now (no offense to mamas with lots of kids, I'm only 24!). You are obviously doing the right thing with her. Ands she is doing the normal thing.


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## Mommiska (Jan 3, 2002)

This thread has been really interesting. Thanks for al the insights (so to speak!).

I was just thinking about the double standard, though, that we seem to have for boys and girls. Mostly in relation to myself, but someone mentioned it earlier on this thread.

My 8 month old has recently found his penis and likes to yank on it during bathtime. Which I've found amusing.

But when my daughter was having a good look at herself (and pulling on her clitoral hood - I think!), I immediately wanted her to stop. And it was only in reading this thread that I saw the double standard in my own thinking about this.

So thanks! I'm learning a lot!

We do just tell our girls that if they want to touch their vagina/vulva/private parts/whatever, that is fine, but they need to do it when they are alone. That message is slowly getting through (I hope!).


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## suezq ljkb (Nov 21, 2001)

This is such a great thread. I have two dd's, only one of whom has been interested in touching her clitoris/vulva. I do ask her to do it in private....but what about when she is much older and is interested in sharing this with a partner? Will she have a hang up about being told to only do it in private?! LOL, I really do over-analyze at times


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## mamatoady (Mar 16, 2004)

Wow, lots going on here in this thread.

My 20 mo old is very interested in touching herself, she wouldn't understand if I said "only in private" so I usually say nothing, if she's really into it sometimes I smile and ask her if she's "found something interesting". I could care less if she does it, but I feel embarrassed if she does it in public even though I know it's normal. I NEVER shame/embarrass etc. her for it.

On a side note, because of the amount of shame/embarrassment/secrecy that is involved with sexual abuse, I think in many cases, the child would "hide" their self-play from anyone else(tho not in all cases). So if they are open and free about it(with you)...it's a good thing.

I was abused when I was 4 and though I've had years of therapy, I cannot allow dd to see dh naked...I know it's normal, but I just can't even go there. Do you think we are teaching her that bodies are shameful by not being more free? I usually discretely change my underwear, but because of nursing, my boobs have TOTALLY become unsexualized to me and they just go where they may.

sarah


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## Hera (Feb 4, 2002)

This thread is really interesting! As far as I know, dd doesn't yet. Sometimes she asks us to tickle her bottom, but we don't of course. It seems like she is aware of pleasurable feelings there, but hasn't made an exploration yet. I've been working on things like teaching her to wash herself in the tub, always asking permission before touching her and letting her know that people should always ask and if she says no, then they shouldn't touch. When she asks if she can touch me, or dh, we say no and then explain that we don't usually let people touch us there. Since I'm pregnant and she has been really interested in how the baby got there, I do tell her that I let dh touch me there and if the midwife needs to when the baby is being born then I will let her, but no one else.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lizziejean*
and I always want to tell her to wash her hands if I see her with her hand down her pants, but I don't want to make her feel like she's dirty, although she kind of is down there don't you think??? aagh


I think I would be more concerned about the cleanliness of the finger, and hope that she would wash her hands before, as well. I guess it could be an issue if she were touching her anus and then her yoni (sorry, I can't bring myself to use "vagina." I don't like the whole "sheath for a sword" thing.) because that can definately spread infection.

Dh has always had a hang-up about her needing to wear panties at all times which I think is funny, I don't see the harm of sitting nakie on the couch. He's not "wierd" about it though, just seems to thing she might get something on it if she doesn't have her panties on. Not used to girls, I guess.


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## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hera*
just seems to thing she might get something on it if she doesn't have her panties on.

Little girls don't have anything to get on the couch. They don't have cervical fluid like we do. If I sat naked on the couch (which I sometimes do), I may get CF on it. But your daughter may at worse have a stinky butt like my ds, which could I guess rub off on the couch.

I don't like the double standard either. The thing about telling them to do it in private doesn't really apply here because DS is only naked when he's in private with us. He at this point doesn't run around naked in front of other people, and he doesn't touch his genitals when he's clothed. I would imagine that when this turns into something actually sexual after puberty, that he would naturally not want to touch himself in public b/c no one else does it. I think it's different when they're younger though. I just don't see the need to tell him where & when to touch himself. I think he'll figure it out and I feel like if I make any kind of issue of it, then that's putting the same ideas that I have about sexuality in his head - that somehow it's something to hide or be shameful of. I'm not totally sure that what I've just said is "right", but for now, for us, it is.


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by **Erin**
i've read that womyn have more nerve endings in the clitoris than men have in the entire penis-it should be expected that girls would play with themselves. maybe tmi, but i'm 25, i STILL play with myself









Just slightly







T....this may be true if you compare the clitoris to the glans of the penis (especially a circumcized one that has become keratinized (toughened and desensitized)) but not true if you compare the clitoris to an intact penis, foreskin and all. The foreskin contains about half of a man's erogeneous tissue.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming....


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## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

But the penis and clitoris contain the same number of nerve endings... I'm pretty sure.


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annakiss*
But the penis and clitoris contain the same number of nerve endings... I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, this is true, since they develop from the same tissues. It is only not-true once you start hacking off sections of the penis









For my DD's part, she doesn't really masturbate much. Well, she plays with herself sometimes in the tub but it isn't something she does often, so I've never said anything when she does.


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