# handling criticism from extended family (long post)



## Sarah Bee (May 15, 2012)

I have just returned from a very challenging visit with my extended family and I am looking for some support and suggestions. It was the first time in many years that my whole extended family has visited together for, a memorial service over easter weekend. There were a lot of people in a small space and we were out of our regular routine. A few times, my 3.5 year old got grumpy and yelled at my husband and I (no, go away I hate you). And she once shouted 'No go away' at her 10 year old cousin, a few minutes after a dog tried to take her toy (cousin was just sitting there). 

My bother (who is ex military and takes a very authoritarian approach to raising his kids) was upset with me for the way husband & I handle behavior outbursts. My husband told her not to talk that way, asked her to apologize, and redirected her to a different activity. I had to tell my brother to back off because he was not her parent- he was about it discipline her himself & I'm not sure what that would have looked like. My family began criticizing my parenting choices saying that I excused her behavior because I didn't force her to apologize (she didn't want to). 

The day before they were telling me that she would be an unruly teen, that I needed to spank her, and made several other comments during the visit regarding my parenting choices that basically hurt my feelings. I attempted to diplomatically explain that we have made different choices in parenting style than they have, that the behavior is a problem and that we are dealing with it in our own way. 

When several family members began criticizing my parenting, I became very emotional and was either crying or on the verge of crying for the remaining 2 hours of our visit. Emotionally I'm dealing with a lot at this moment (grieving, pregnant,) There is a lot of difficult family history there and it was just too much for me to handle emotionally at the time. 

While we are working on teaching her to speak kindly and how to calm herself better, I feel that occasional verbal outbursts are a typical behavior from an overstimulated 3 year old. This post is long, so I'm going to end, but I think my basic questions are 

1)How to handle criticism from family who just does not understand a gentle approach to parenting? 

2) Do you have any supportive suggestions for handling verbal outbursts in a gentle positive manner? 

3) Suggestions for helping kids (and me) avoid overwhelm breakdowns during long family visits. 

4) thoughts on getting kids to apologize. I feel like forcing it would make it unauthentic & my gut tells me that teaching empathy and helping her learn self calming is the way to go here, but I would prefer if she apologized when hurting someones feelings. 

Thank you so much for reading all this and for supportive comments you may have.


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## violetflapjack (Feb 6, 2009)

Sorry you had a hard weekend! Getting criticism from family is one of the hardest things to deal with, and while being pregnant too...wow you've got a lot of strength to be dealing with this so gracefully! 

I think that there is nothing wrong with how you handled the situation at all. You handled it and made it clear that it's not okay to talk that way then helped your daughter find a different environment to make better choices. I think that is a wise way to handle the situation. You are teaching your child, and that kind of thing takes repetition and practice over time. So your family didn't see an instant result, but spanking wouldn't have actually brought that about either. The way you handled it is teaching your child life skills, and better ways to deal with her anger (like walking away to do something that feels better at the time). And also, yes, I think that kind of behavior is completely normal for a three-year-old. 

As far as apologies go, I agree with teaching empathy and self-calming, but I do think it's important to apologize even when it isn't the most authentic. I don't always make my kids do it right away, especially when they are over the edge emotionally (which it sounds like your DD may have been) and things aren't really getting through. After calming down some, then an apology can happen more easily. But I think it's an important thing to do and I feel like it does help teach empathy in the long run. I think it shows that you should feel sorry for hurting someone. Some people say that children aren't capable of truly understanding that other people have feelings like theirs until their older than three, but I still think that if that is the case, we can start making a container for empathy with actions like apologizing. I also think that remembering to be vulnerable ourselves and showing our children our authentic emotional responses like shame and guilt when we do something wrong (which I think we are pretty adept at hiding most of the time, of course some of us more than others) helps them see and identify with those feelings and understand how to handle them. So also letting our kids see us apologize too. 

Even with that said, that's my opinion about it and what feels good for me. I think your choice not to force an apology is totally valid. If that is what feels right for you, then you should go with it. Especially since it sounds like you have a clear idea about teaching empathy and how to apologize in a way that feels more authentic.

As far as handling the criticism itself, I generally just ignore unwanted parenting advice of all kinds, but I know how that can be harder when it's in your family. It sounds like you handled it well by explaining that you don't parent that way. For me though, I often have to talk through unwanted "advice" aka criticism a few times with different people before I feel settled again.

You sound like a great mama who is making thoughtful, appropriate, effective discipline choices for your daughter. You aren't controlling (or trying to by spanking, yelling, etc), you are teaching.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

My heart goes out to you. I have lived through this and it is one of the toughest things ever. I have two older sisters and I had my children much later than they did, so there was always a lot of advice coming my way. I've lived through this judgment and advice through good times and funerals. I like to say 'the proof is in the pudding' though, and my children are now old enough that it is clear that our gentle discipline was fruitful and helped to shepherd our children into kind, loving people (not perfect!) that no longer had outbursts and yelling incidents!! I think one of the most important things to remember is that example speaks much louder than any particular strategy you use to deal with something in the moment. So if you and your partner regularly apologize to one another, your children will see that this is 'what you do' when you've offended someone or spoken out of turn. Teaching skills is the main thing, more than 'punishing' which doesn't teach anything, except shame. 

I had to choose carefully how much time to spend with my family during those years, as it was just too difficult to deal with the comments and innuendo. You have to believe in yourself. As long as you are addressing the behavior and teaching new skills around how to more successfully manage huge feelings, things will be alright.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

My phrase for my family was, "I can see how you would feel that way, none the less, this is what we've decided to do." Then change the subject.


I also agree with the suggestion to make visits shorter, or stay at a hotel so that you get down time away from them. For me, I couldn't control or even impact my extend family, but what I could do was set boundaries and create a safe space for myself. 


As far as handling behaviors caused by my children being overwhelmed, I used positive time outs. These were chances to cool down in another room, a break from the overstimulation. I went with the child, and this truly was a positive, rather than a punitive time. (I have a very clear memory of my sister in law trying to explain to me that I was doing time outs all wrong, but I ignored her). 


Personally, I don't think there is an easy answer on forced apologies. But I do find it ironic that your family was being mean to you to the point that you were on the verge of tears, but they think that a small child should be forced to say sorry. Evidently in their book of manners harassing the pregnant mother of a small child is peachy, but small children should be perfect. It's an odd double standard where the bigger the person, the worst their behavior is allowed to be. 


For me, this all turned out fine. My kids are now in their late teens, and while my mother has stated her shock that they turned out OK without being spanked, others (including extended family) tell me how lovely and mature my children are.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Yes Linda, your experience reminded me that there is a very helpful strategy called Time In instead of Time Out. Basically if a child is struggling you assume she needs more time with you to work this out and regroup, so you keep her close for a few hours (or however long you need to) to restore your child's equilibrium, rather than punishing and sending them to 'deal' alone. 

You could use this language to let your family know you have a great technique. ..it is just different than spanking or isolation.


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## Sarah Bee (May 15, 2012)

Thank you all so much for the feedback and suggestions. It is so helpful to hear from some mamas who have been through this type of thing and whose kids are turning out great. I'm taking lots of deep breaths and regaining my center. 

I definitely will be focusing on creating safe space for myself and setting boundaries with family. Its an ongoing and often exhausting process for me with my family, but seems to be key to maintaining my sanity :grin: I completely forgot how helpful changing the subject is in this type of interaction. My key phrase with mom has been "so anyway..." for a few years now. I think I need to start using this with the rest of my family! 

Time in sounds great! I've heard of it, but we haven't really done that before. We sometimes practice deep breathing together when DD melts down. We've tried time outs (irony here- I spent a few years teaching parenting classes with time out technique) However, I have found that they do not seem to work well with DD. She tends to get more upset rather than calming, hence the breathing exercises. I look forward to trying time-in as a conscious technique- thank you for describing what it is!


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

With extended family, I would take the upset child and go to an empty bedroom for awhile and just hang out. We would read books together, or I would sing or whatever. It was just a quiet break with zero demands on the child. 


Breathing is GREAT. I now work with special needs children, including kids with emotional disabilities, and I am completely blown away by how powerful breathing is. I think it is fantastic that you are working on this with your DD when she is just 3! That is so exciting for her future because she is learning real TOOLS that she will be able to use in different situations. (You might try adding some children's yoga, too). 


I find forced apologizes a difficult topic. I've used them. I hate them. I could actually write a good post that is very pro forced apologies, or a good post that is very anti. I think it depends on the specific child and the specific situation. The real goal is to raise a child who is truly empathetic, who has internalized the idea that others have feelings and that this awareness should inform their actions and speech because everything they say and do has an impact. There are limitless ways to impart this message, including what we model.


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## sarahdawes (Mar 5, 2016)

Wow, I've followed this post, and have learnt a lot for my own situation from this, thank you all so much for your advice, and good luck to the OP, you sound like a lovely lady.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Here is an "expert" talking about Time In vs Time Out, if quoting an "expert" will make you feel more legitimate!! :x

http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/How_To_Transform_Your_Time-Outs_To_Time-Ins

In general if you haven't discovered Laura Markham, she is well worth your time!!


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## Shuli (May 14, 2007)

I feel your pain. My MIL is not the easiest person to deal with and let's just say she's not my favourite person on the planet. I am very strict and hard on my kids, but at the same time flexible. Meaning, there are few rules, but the rules that we do have are strictly enforced. We have to travel about two hours to get to her house and so our visits are infrequent, but when we go it's usually for the weekend or overnight. During a dinner party at a table full of guests my husband and I quietly took the kids to the guest room for bed as it was after bedtime and we could see that they were really not holding it together. I got back to the table before my husband and my MIL in a very loud voice criticized me. Inside I was seething, but I calmly turned to her and said "you raised your children your way and my husband and I are raising our children our way. I'm sorry that you don't approve of our methods but I would appreciate it if could keep your criticisms to yourself" and left it at that. 


I have used time out/time in and it works, depending on the child. I also have a child who is prone to outbursts of anger and gets quite physical throwing things and hitting me when he is angry. I would also do deep breathing with him, but sometimes he was "unreachable" I also learned to read the signs, got him to breath before he could "go off" and managed to redirect. I found a great therapist through the school who is working with him through play therapy on self-calming techniques. It really has helped him and the whole atmosphere of the house changed. 


About apologies, I didn't necessarily get my kids to apolgise, but I did show them how their behaviour was affecting others. For example, if they shouted at someone or hit them, I would say to them something like look at their face, do they look happy/sad/mad/hurt? and then get them to come up with the emotion (sometimes with help if they were very young) and they learned that their behaviour had concequences. Now that they are 8, they are able to pick on emotions of others quickly and are very empathetic. This method worked for me and my children, it's not for everyone, but whatever you decide to do it will be right for you.


Good luck to you!


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## KP2 (Oct 3, 2014)

I can relate to your situation very well, despite my child being a teen, and our weekend with the extended family was for a positive occasion (no mourning) and I'm not pregnant. But my teen's hormones are a close match, and she's the one whose behavior is often being judged. Fortunately no one flat out questioned my parenting style, but when the convseration turns to a general discussion on how 'we' parent these days, they don't have to call me out specifically (mind you these all happened to be moms of teens). 

The bottom line is, different children need different parenting styles. Different parents CHOOSE to parent differently. I only have one child, but I am certain that if I had another, my style may differ for that child, based on the kids needs and personality. My mom has often honestly shared this with me. While I don't agree with all of her views, I do agree with this. My brother (5 years older, less motivated to succeed, didn't do as well in school) needed more of a push. In turn, he resisted more, ultimately it didn't work. But I can see her thought process (also, I think most parents are harder on their first child).

I've been going through a lot with my DD16 lately regarding keeping her on track with things (managing her life, school, extra-curriculars, sleep schedule, etc). She is not a bad kid, not a trouble maker. No bf, doesn't 'hang out' much, no evidence of illicit behaviors, etc. But I am hesitant to share my concerns with people (even my husband-her step-father/only father figure and my mother) because they belief I do not discipline her enough. Clearly 3 and 16 year olds need different things, but overall the concept of harsh discipline doesn't sit well with me. Mine is clearly old enough to understand the consequences of her actions, and has many other people to point them out to her (like her teachers and her therapist, and I have no problem with that, where I know some parents do). Coincidentally, she is not a fan (at all) of apologizing... we have discussed this maturely. She has said to me "why do parents force their kids to apologize when you know they don't mean it" (and at her age, she doesn't mean it, and that's okay). Part of me very much agrees with her. I feel like it is an attempt to foster appropriate social behavior (like saying thank you, even when something is not a big deal, but it's polite and appropriate to express your gratitude). I guess I didn't force it enough (or over did it), because I feel like, in her head, an apology means the other person wins, and you are showing a vulnerable side. It's gotten better over the years, but I know it kills her to do so. 

In general, I feel like adults expect way too much of children. Not all are well versed in what age-appropriate behavior is (I am a pediatric nurse, so I happen to be). We expect three year olds to withstand hours of social interaction in adult settings, to be quiet, sit still, etc. It is unrealistic. Adults are allowed to lose their cool, so shouldn't children be? My child is a ball of hormones most of the time. Toddlers are frustrated. Kids in between these ages have tremendous pressure to succeed in everything they do. 

So, how to deal? It's very hard, especially from loved ones (of course, loved ones feel they can be brutally honest with us, and tend to hurt us the most). When my mother judges the way our relatives raise their kids, I just say "not my kid, not my problem, and it's not yours either." Unless their kids end up working with or for me, or I am awarded custody of them, it is not my problem. Just like it is not the problem of your relatives. I wish we weren't so harsh to each other; it's not a contest to see who's kid turns out the best.


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## Dashbabies (Sep 12, 2008)

I have had to deal with this also with my family. My father told me that he didn't like my kids personalities and that I needed to spank it out of them. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but I had to tell them that we are choosing to parent differently, and if they didn't like the way I was doing it that I was going to limit the time we spent with them. And I have. They talk bad about me behind my back, but I have to do what is best for my kids. If my family is not a good influence on my children, then they don't need to spend as much time around us. I don't want them turning out with the same baggage I did, I'd rather make our own mistakes. =) 

That being said, if we have to spend extended time with my family then I do all the kid supervising, I don't let my parents have any time alone with them. I try to meet all their needs so that the extended family doesn't. And if I see things getting out of hand I don't care what the situation is or whether my parents feel it's appropriate or not, I will remove the children from the situation and we will go for a walk or leave the room or get in the car and drive somewhere else for as long as it takes. I've seen my sister in laws do the same with their kids when that side of the family gets together.

I've tried presenting grandparents with literature and resources that explain what we're choosing to do. But I'm pretty sure that they don't read it. It's hard dealing with family. I find it a lot easier to tell my brother to back off than my parents. But ultimately, they are your children and you do what you feel is right. You know them better than anybody else. You can do it!


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## richella (Nov 30, 2004)

3 yo brains are not developed yet to manage their behavior well and consistently. Even when they know what's expected, and try, they can't always control themselves well.

I think you did fine. 

I never require my kids to say anything they don't believe, or express a feeling they don't feel. I might ask if they want to apologize, but I want the true answer, not the one they think I'm looking for. One of my goals as a parent is that they will be able to know what they feel and want in life by adulthood. Every feeling is acceptable; some ways of expressing feelings are not.

Here's how I do time in: everyone put down what they're doing, gather round, and tell their side of what happened (one at a time - everyone has to listen to each other). Why did you do that? You were angry because . . . How did you feel when she did that? What did you do then? How could you have reacted differently? Did you try saying 'may I please play with that toy?' What would you have done if she had said that?

They hate it. Usually about 2 minutes into the process they're done, and begging me to let them get on with their game. If not, it probably means they need to be separated.

You're doing fine. Just avoid the family at stressful times, keep the visits short, stay in a hotel, or don't even go see them if you don't want to. Skype instead.

I think children who are not spanked or forced to apologize insincerely are better positioned to learn empathy. But, children raised by a wide variety of parenting styles turn out fine, so maybe everyone should just lighten up and lay off with the unsolicited advice.


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## BeFitMom (Mar 3, 2011)

1. Handling criticism? It's BAIT don't take it. Don't respond at all. 
2. Outbursts from 3's are normal and arise from their systems getting overloaded. Give her some loving down-time like cuddling together on a rocking chair in a quiet room, or some water or a snack if she hasn't eaten in a while. 
3. If she's a sensitive child, then be aware that when surrounded by a lot of new noises, smells, people, food, or other sensory stimuli, that a breakdown is likely. Reduce the amount of sensory stimuli in her environment, and make sure this is not compounded with fatigue and/or hunger. Don't have 'long' family visits, create breaks where she can slow down and recharge. 
4. Outbursts are like sudden squalls. Your child didn't make it happen, or do it on purpose, or try to manipulate anyone with anger and so doesn't feel the need to apologize. I won't make her, as she won't understand or learn from the experience if you did make her. Geesh, she's only 3, not 13. Children need help in navigating these events, focus on that.
5. My own 2 cents - limit the amount of time that you spend with the family members that criticized your parenting and only during low stress occasions. Why give them the opportunity to bash you more? 
BeFit-Mom


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## EmilyVail42 (Mar 28, 2016)

You need to know that your daughts behaviroal problem is NOT abnormal. And those paents need to know that every parent does not need to be uptight about normal kid behavior. Your fine. Dont stress just be the mom.


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## Sarah Bee (May 15, 2012)

lauren said:


> Here is an "expert" talking about Time In vs Time Out, if quoting an "expert" will make you feel more legitimate!! :x
> 
> http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/How_To_Transform_Your_Time-Outs_To_Time-Ins
> 
> In general if you haven't discovered Laura Markham, she is well worth your time!!


Yes! I love Laura Markham. Spent some time looking at her website today and found some info on Time-in


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## waiting4years (Sep 1, 2013)

Not knowing you or having seen the situation for myself, I can't judge how you handled it and nor should anyone else who wasn't there. But I can share how I feel I personally would have handled it, for better or for worse.

I would have acted very similarly to how you and your husband did--state a boundary, encourage an apology, redirect energy. You are right that verbal outbursts are normal for stressed children of such a young age. They aren't "punishable" offenses, but I do believe in gentle verbal correction--guidance to understand what kindness is or isn't. People often do not give young children enough credit for what they can understand, regardless of impulse control. I would talk to my child (when she was calm enough to listen!) and say something like "Speaking to (cousin) like that is very unkind. Nobody likes to be talked to like that. YOU don't like to be talked to like that either! That's because it hurts anyone's feelings to be yelled at and told to go away. If you need some alone time you can say "Please give me some space right now." Can you apologize to (cousin) for using unkind words?" ("NO!") "Okay, you don't have to apologize if you don't want to. I hope you'll change your mind. But since you can't use kind words right now we are going to leave (space where others are). Maybe that will help you cool down."

I do think it is important to reinforce the idea that unkindness=people don't want to be around you. I am aware that many other gentle parents see this as a wihdrawal of love or a "punishment," but I do not. As a longtime former nanny I have seen way too many poorly guided children to risk raising a confused, nasty, lonely and unliked kid. Some kids have great mirror neurons and will develop a lovely sense of empathy in time even without help, but some do not, and regardless, parental reinforcement of what is acceptable is important. My children will be aware always of the kinds of behavior that draw people and relationships to you, and the behaviors that push them away. This is my favorite article on gentle parenting: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/10/if-gentle-discipline-isnt-working-this-might-be-the-reason/

All of that being said--your family's criticism stems from their issues, NOT yours. At the end of the day you make the parenting decisions for your children and they can either respect that or reject your family's company, but they do not ever have the right to criticize and emotionally abuse you. I realize that won't likely stop them, however. It is hard and painful and really quite impossible to deal with for some people because, as you said, there is just SO MUCH history and baggage and complexity wrapped up in it for so many people.

The best advice I can give is to work really hard to find your own personal self-protection mechanism that works best for you. Maybe consult with a family therapist for ideas, it is their job to help people survive their families! The right counselor could be just the thing to help you find your "bubble of peace" that nobody can penetrate.


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