# Husband wants to spank



## grumpymama (Sep 1, 2003)

What do you do if you and your husband have different disciplining beliefs? I don't spank or physically punish, but he thinks spanking is needed. We just cannot seem to agree on discipline.
I said for one thing the kids need consistency, and if we discipline differently that won't be good. He said it is consistent because he disciplines one way consistently, and I another way consistently.
What can I do to change his mind? Any suggestions?


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## fyrflymommy (Jan 20, 2003)

why don't you show him some studies that show th bad effects of spanking?

was he spanked as a child? is the rest of his family that way? maybe he doesnt know any different than to spank.


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## pepsi (Sep 14, 2003)

My husband was raised in a spanking household,I am not against the ODD light spank but it is something that I VERY rarely do.

We don't agree on the way we dislipine either but I have talked to him and explained more apropriate ways to deal with bad behaviour.It's been hard teaching him that you do not have to spank to get results because at the end of the day it teaches nothing.

It is hard when you both have different opinions on raising your children but there is alot of evidence out there that spanking isn't the way to go,so maybe if you show him some articles he may change his mind.Good luck


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## grumpymama (Sep 1, 2003)

DH and I both grew up in spanking homes. So that's what we're used to. I just can't take the look on my daughters face when she knows she's about to get spanked.
Where can I find some good information about not spanking?


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## MaWhit (Jan 5, 2002)

Ask you husband if he would consider it acceptable to hit you if you made a mistake, disagreed with him, or he was simply angry at you? If he says no (and he'd better), point out that it is even less fair to hit a child than an adult.


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## pepsi (Sep 14, 2003)

http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/don_fisher.html

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/43/3606_599

http://www.nospank.net/n-j15.htm

http://www.nwhu.on.ca/parenting_and_..._disciplin.htm

I haven't read all of these but I hope they are helpful


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## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

My dh is more prone to want to spank than I am, in fact he doesn't because I don't want him to (if left to his own devices he would spank the children.)

When we have a discussion about this he will make some claim that the Bible supports spanking (I have been very careful to show that the Bible does not support spanking and he understands this now)

He grew up in an abusive household and when there is stress he's inclined to turn to this (I have this issue as well) and when he's in his "my father beat me and I respected him" mode I try to remind him that he *feared* his father but deep within his heart he *hated* his father.

He doesn't read as much as I do but he tends to be inclined to think that spanking "works" (it might appear to work, shortterm, but it isn't as effective longterm)

I think there's more pressure for males to have quick-fix answers to problems and spanking looks like the quick fix bandaid. Women, especially mothers, are more inclined to want to do what will work best down the road.

Try to arm yourself with a couple of well-written articles so he can start seeing the bigger picture. This is much more difficult for some dads because of the culture.

Debra Baker


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## LunaMom (Aug 8, 2002)

I think that it is important for parents to have an arsenal of alternatives so that they won't be so quick to use the techniques their own parents used on them.

My dh and I don't believe in spanking, but we have a similar issue with punitive discipline. When dd isn't listening to him, his first inclination is to threaten a punishment - no video, no playdate, etc. Even though I have spoken to him about why I don't feel this type of arbitrary punishment (done in anger, too) is effective, and he agrees with me, he still resorts to this.

I realized that a person needs to know WHAT to do, not just what NOT to do. Maybe you and your dh could read a gentle discipline book together, or even take a workshop? I know there are a lot of workshops out there based on the "How to Talk" books.

Good luck...


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## ajsmom (Nov 21, 2001)

You check out this website:

http://www.cnvc.org/
A quote from their site:

Nonviolent Communicationsm is a process that strengthens our ability to inspire compassion from others and respond compassionately to others and ourselves. This guides us to reframe how we express ourselves and how we hear others by focusing our consciousness on what we are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting. It is a language of empathy and honesty, and is sometimes described as "the language of the heart."

I am adopting this style of communication with my 3 yr old ds and it's already spilling over into my relationship with my dh and life is a lot better for all of us.

Ask your dh what kind of adult he wants his child to be. Does he want one who hits? That's what will be taught with spanking. Brutal, huh! It took all my father's wisdom and courage NOT to do to us what his father did to him in the name of parenting and I am grateful every day.

Peace to you,
Rebecca


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