# Dealing with an unreliable parent.......what to do?



## Jay03 (Jun 10, 2011)

I have two older daughters who are from the same father. they have a younger sister that is from their Stepfather. They are age 10 and 9, their father and I have been divorced since the oldest was 1 and the and her sister was 5 months. I will try to keep this as short as possible because I really need some advice. As a mother i am torn between doing what is right and trying my best to keep my daughters interest at heart.

Their father has walked out on them 3 times. Once at age 1 and 6 months (3 month absence), the second age 4 and 3 (8 month absence), and then at age 8 and 7(9 month absence). He has had three different opportunities and as I write I can't stop thinking about how i feel that I am at fault for allowing it to happen for so long. During this absences there was not communication what so ever. March of 2010, the third let down, he started contacting me in an aggressive manner pleading his right to see his girls. After back and forth emails and discussions we came to an agreement. He did not deny his instability and lack of parenting or reliability as a parent. He was so eager to see his girls that, he called almost everyday, emailed them (i set up an email so he can contact them). "Time was of the essence," so he stated over and over. We agreed that he could see the girls again after he successfully kept in contact and built a relationship with them. He guaranteed that he was there for the long haul and not walking out again. He even mentioned he had found himself through religion and was aware of the mistakes he had made in the past. We agreed in writing that if he at any point turn his back on the kids again he would no longer see the girls and would lose the opportunity to have ocntact with the girls.

Three months later he was visiting again. (we live 4 hours away so we split the trip) throught the few upcoming months the communication was slim and brief. In January he seperated from his wife, i found out when I called to check why he was not contacting the girls or seeing them. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said that i understandood and was sympathetic towards his situation, but that he could at the least still call them. His phone calls turned into once every 2-3 weeks and lasted less then 5 minutes. He has not attempted to call more often even after numerous attempts from my part to remind him of our arragement and the way it was affecting the girls. We spoke on Easter weekend, again i called him and reminding him AGAIN about our agreement and that he was not keeping his end. After that day he went over a month before he called my girlst(6/9/11).

My daughters have written to him asking why he doesnt call or why he hasn't visit a soccer game (he told them he would a year ago), he has not replied. When i ask him he says he hasnt gotten the letter. Everytime my phone rings my oldest has to hand me my phone. I asked her why, "because it may be daddy." Even though it does not show on the caller id that it is him, she still has that anticipation and annxiety that just maybe it could be him. My youngest says to me, "i feel sorry for M (her sister)." I asked why, she replied, "because she is waiting for dad to write her back and he hasn't" My youngest has also made it clear that she doesn't want to deal with it any more and that it does not matter whether she does or does not see him or talk to him. I have seen that their hope for that father-daughter relationship with their biological dad has interfered with their acceptance of their stepdad. And it did help that he bad mouth and mad jokes towards their stepdad.

For 9 years i have been the one making excused or disappointing my girls because of him and this time around I told him i wouldn't do that anymore.

I am concerned for my daughters well-being and feel that enough is enough. I have all the emails and documentation to show that he has not been active towards his visitations. Would it be wrong to put an end to it until my girls are old enough to make the decision on their own and are able to deal with and understand how to confront him about his lack of involvement?


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

Cut the X out.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

The short answer is this: You cant make him be a parent. You just cant.

Forget him. Have your girls see a therapist weekly or more if required to focuss on thier emotions and ensure that they understand their own worth.


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## cat13 (Dec 8, 2010)

I agree with PP about having your daughters go to therapy. My DH and his mom and brother were in an almost identical situation as yours. The three of them went to family counseling for a few years and really got a lot out of it. DH especially was able to really understand that his father was making bad choices that had nothing to do with him or how lovable he is.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this, I am just happy to hear that they do have a loving mom to help them work through these problems!


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Three strikes and your out, yk? Only we are not talking about a game here. We are talking about human beings, your daughters, and the constant hurt, rejection and confusion they must feel. It's can't be god for their self esteem, in any way, shape or form.

What is this to the guy, some kind os sick, warped game? Is he extremely manipulative, or just messed up? Either way, not only would I let it go, I would be certain to put a firm wall up so that if he ever tries to have contact again, you block it right away. All phone calls rejected, all mail return to sender... No debates or second guessing. It isn't healthy for your girls, or their relationship with their stepdad, or their relationship with you. You have to be strong, for them. Do this for your girls.


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