# I need help



## KHalton (Jul 24, 2006)

My name is Kathleen. My sister died of a heroin overdose last week and I am the only family member left for her four young children.
Hailey is 6, Cristine is 4, Amy is 3, and Benny is 2. Up until last week I didn't even know the younger two existed, and I had seen Hailey a few times as an infant and never seen Christine (though I knew she had her). I didn't speak to my sister because I was sick of her lying and stealing. Perhaps it was the wrong choice, but there is no point debating it now.
I got home yesterday with the kids. I am at a total loss. I am single and childless by choice. I live in a small 3 bedroom condo (one bedroom being my office and the other being my workout room), I drive a 2 seater convertible, I work 60 hours a week. I am NOT a mother. I never wanted kids, but I have them now. I'm not walking away from them. I've thought about it a few times, but they're my family, and I'm all they have now.
I live a very healthy lifestyle. I eat all organic whole foods (well as close as I can get to all), I work out regularly, I do yoga, I meditate, I go to a homeopath in addition to my family doctor, I avoid antibiotics, I do not own a television. I don't smoke and rarely drink, I am the exact opposite of my sister.
These kids live off of cheap processed foods, they watch TV constantly, they haven't been to a doctor in who knows how long and I doubt they have ever been to a dentist. I am going to buy them car seats today (they didn't have any with their mom, and the ones I bought them at the last minute aren't right for their ages and weights) and for now I am renting a car until I buy another one. They're seeing my doctor tomorrow but I need to find a pediatrician for them. A friend of mine is watching them for me now, but I need day care and schools. I need to get them all vaccinated, I need to get Benny circumcised, I need to get their cavities filled, I need to buy beds for them and figure out how to fit them in my house!
This looked like a good place to start for asking any and all questions about children. I am completely clueless. I never even babysat as a kid.

I'm sorry is this sounds scatterbrained. I am just trying to figure out how to go about all of this. Is there anyone who can give me any advice? Also I picked this board because it seemed less mainstream. I don't want them eating crap and watching hours of TV. I want to get them healthy and keep them that way, and I have always been a fairly crunchy person, so I imagine I will be a crunchy parent. The kids seem to be okay for now but I know that eventually the loss of their mother will hit home and they will need something. I guess I need to find a counselor for them as well eventually. First I need to get health insurance for them!

Thanks for all of your help guys. Any advice is welcome and appreciated.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Wow. I am so sorry for your loss, and I think it is amazing that you are going to mama your sister's children. What a huge lifestyle change. Come here for lots of support!!

On the junk food... I would go with it for now, but in time you will be able to switch them over to good food. Children are very adaptable.

Circumcision - check out the circ board here. Circumcision is NOT necessary and is a harmful medical procedure. It is not done in many parts of the world; in Europe for example intact men are the norm.

I am sending you so much good energy.


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## Tofu the Geek (Dec 2, 2003)

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Sounds like the kids are lucky to have you though! Along with the circumcision board, please also check out the vaccination board.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

You should be able to add them to your policy through work, with an Order from the Court, at any time within 30 days of the Order being signed. Otherwise you might have to see the cost of private insurance, but that is going to be close to about $75 a child per month, the only other choice would be to see if you would qualify for your state's version of Health Insurance for Children/Working Families. You would be considered a family of 5, and the income levels are fairly high to qualify.

I would do a yahoogroups search for local mom's groups and ask them for Pediatrician recommendations. Also, look for a reputable counseling service that deals with children and youth.

As for circumcision, unless there is a religious reason, there are generally no longer and medical reasons to do it. For more discussions check out some of the threads on the other boards here regarding it.

As for beds and carseats, check with your local firestation or police department. Sometimes if you have a wrong carseat, they will exchange it for you with one of the ones they have for free, and will make sure that it is installed properly. As for beds, find out if you have a local cheapcycle or freecycle group, and sometimes you can find the headboards/footboards and raise cheap or free, then goto Morris and just get a cheap generic twin mattress and box spring.

As for fitting them in y our house, that will just take some time and willingness to put things up and away or find new homes for them.

Good luck.


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## Diane B (Mar 15, 2004)

My number one suggestion would be to GET SUPPORT. Financial. Social. Medical. Since you are essentially in the position of adopting these kids, that's where I would start. Look in your phone book under adoption. Most places of any size have support groups for families adopting older kids who have trauma in their past. Your county human services agency would be a place to start, and there might be a non-profit agency too - I'm not sure where you're located, but if you post over on the adoption board of mothering.com, people would have help to offer, I'm sure.

The kids probably will qualify for social security payments and you should make sure to get them - adding four children is a huge financial strain for you, no matter your income. I don't know the details of your family situation, but be sure that you get actual legal custody if you intend to raise the children. It's even possible that your state may offer financial subsidies if you adopt the children as well as providing medical coverage. You should check into this, because they will probably need therapeutic interventions, and might have developmental delays as well. Was child protection involved with your sister before her death?

Do you know any parents? Do you belong to a church or spiritual community that might help you out? Suportive co-workers? Now is the time to call in help - people could donate clothes and toys, make food for you, provide child care while you run errands. If your own networks seem slim, you might want to post in the "Find Your Tribe" forum to see if there are moms in your area who could help you out short-term.

You might qualify for FMLA from your work, and while it's unpaid, you could at least get a little time to get them settled and find decent child care. Please take things one at a time, and don't get embroiled in big, contentious issues like vaccination, circumcision and diet yet. These children need love, first and foremost, and it sounds like you have plenty to give. With enough support, I'm sure you can do this.

Best wishes to you - do post on the adoption forum for more support - there are folks on there who have adopted older sibling groups and could really help you out.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Sounds like all your lives are in major upheaval. It would be very overwhelming. For right now, I'd try to keep things somewhat the same for the kids while they are adjusting and grieving. I would put counseling for all of you high on the priority list.

This board is a good resource for all of your questions.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Kathleen, wow! what an amazing turn your life (and theirs) has taken. I am sorry about your sister, thats sad and very tragic. It is wonderful that you are there for her children, as you know they are innocent in all this and deserve the best possible life. I think you are a very caring woman to take on such a huge resposibility. So many changes. For you and them.

And what a strange twist of fate that you are learning about parenting this "instant family" and happen upon mothering.com. I think thats wonderful, I wish I had known about this forum when I first became a parent. I encourage you to read as much here as possible, especially the circumcision and vaccination board. As complicated as they both seem, it is important to fully inform yourself before making any decisions for the children. I know you are probably trying to figure so many things out right now, I can't even imagine.... well I guess is would be similar in a way to my childless sister taking full custody of my kids. I would hope she would be like you and care enough to really try to figure out what's best for the children. I wish you and the kids the best and I hope this journey for you is a great one


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## MiamiMami (Feb 1, 2005)

I am so glad you found mdc. This is going to be a hard period of adjustment for you and the kids. Give it time and things will get better and fall into place.

There are 2 great boards here for researching vaccines and circumcision. Please take a few minutes (or hours) to look through them.

Carseat wise....your county might have a program that will give you free seats in time of hardship. Look into that.

Junk food....they are still young enough that hopefully you won't have to fight a battle to change their eating habits. In the meantime there are lots of organic "kid" food out there. Annies mac and cheese is one that comes to mind. Kid yogurts are packaged in tubes and stuff. Check your local health food store.

Good luck, and I hope you find mdc to be full of info and support.


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## Piratemomma (Jun 16, 2004)

I just wanted to say that it is wonderful of you to take those kids in. Truly wonderful.


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## UptownZoo (May 11, 2003)

Kathleen, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your sister. I know that in most ways you lost her many years ago. My sister is also an addict (thankfully clean and sober for over 3 years now) and the pain of watching a beloved sibling kill themselves is huge.

First, breathe. The good news is, your love and commitment to these children is going to carry you a long, long way. I hope that the social workers and all the rest of the people involved in your situation so far have given you some help for the children's emotional needs; if not, then you need that right away. These kids have lost their mother, and have lived their whole lives in the shadow of a devastating addiction. That's more than you're probably qualified to help them with.

Call the public schools, either the one nearest you or the district office, and just get that ball rolling. School starts soon and you want to have time to talk with the counselors/teachers/administration before Hailey goes to school. Ask them about preschool/daycare for the other kiddos. They can probably help you get started on that search. In our town, we have a therapeutic preschool for kids who've been through a trauma like these kids have experienced, so find out if there's something like that available. They might also be able to help you find some counselors or therapists who can be of help.

I would suggest that, other than a basic physical with your doctor, you hold off on any major decisions (i.e., vaccinations, circumcision, etc.) until later. You clearly want to make well-informed decisions, and you can take the time to do that. Yes, doctors/social workers/other "experts" would like to act as if these decisions must be made right now and will try to cause you to panic. It just ain't so. You deserve some time to make these decisions, and this is all way too new for you to be thinking clearly yet. Unless there is something genuinely life threatening happening, it can all wait. If they push you on the vaccines, remember, the chances that your kids will be exposed to Hep B or whooping cough in the next month are slim to none. If they tell you that the kids can't go to school/daycare until they're up to date, just ask for the religious exemption forms. Folks around here do it all the time, and even if you choose to vaccinate later, it will buy you some time to sort out what you really want. And I know that you'll get loads of advice/information at the circ board, but whatever you decide, a few months will make no difference.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. You want to do what's right for these children and for yourself, but you don't know what that is yet. It's going to take time to sort it all out. You have that time. Nothing needs to be decided today. Make them some organic mac and cheese for dinner, touch, hug, and love them as much as they're willing to let you, and get some help for all of you.

Oh, I highly suggest that you go to the "find your tribe" section of MDC and see if you can't find some mamas who live near you. You just might find a whole lot of what you need is very nearby. My hope is that you would find some people who would go shopping with you for carseats, talk to you with knowledge about schools and daycares in your area, share information about good pediatricians, and just help you with the nuts-and-bolts business of your new role. And who knows? Maybe you would find even more. The mamas here tend to be pretty darn generous, so it's worth a try.

I wish you the very best; please continue to post and let us know how we can help.


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## KHalton (Jul 24, 2006)

Oh thank you all of you!
I did go to the circumcision board. I am so glad I did. It never ever occured to me that circumcision wasn't mandatory. I won't do that to him. No way. I thought it was the right thing to do to him, I am so glad I figured it out now!
As for their car seats, I am absolutely buying them new ones as soon as I leave work. I had one 'come hell or high water' meeting this morning and another one in about 20 minutes. They're at home now with a friend of mine. It's good, actually, to get out of the house and be able to research these things. I've decided to pick up two Britax Marathons on my way home today for Amy and Christine. Hailey can ride in the Turbo Booster I bought for Amy (yikes!) and I already bought a seat for Benny that I am definitely going to replace, but it will get him through for now. I plan on ordering a Britax Regent for Christine and putting Benny in the Marathon I buy today once it gets here, but I need seats NOW. Hailey will probably stay in the booster I already have unless she asks for something else.
I talked to our HR person who will get them on our insurance. My company pays 100% for employees and 50% for dependents, so it's only going to cost me about $150 a month for all four of them.
I live in Atlanta. I'll be contacting someone here about the legality of custody, what i need to do, etc. Right now it's on the bottom of my list, because no one is around to challenge me so I don't need to worry about it first and foremost.
I'll have to buy another vehicle, but haven't decided if I'll trade mine in yet. But I probably will. A 2 seat convertible is not exactly useful for a mother of four. But later I am going to see about getting a minivan or larger SUV from the rental agency, because right now one of the kids has to ride in front, and I don't want that.

I'm taking at least the next week off. I would have today but I HAD to be at this meeting. Plus it's good to actually have some time to decompress and research some things. This afternoon my main goal is car seats and a television. I bought a portable DVD player for the car just to keep them quiet on the ride home. I don't WANT a tv, but for now I think it's best not to fight it. They're used to tv 24/7, for now I'll leave it that way and weed it out slowly. Tomorrow they see the doctor and I need to get furniture. Right now Benny and Amy are sleeping with me and Christine and Hailey are sleeping on a futon in my office. I don't know if I will continue to live there, or move, or what. But I don't need to decide that right now. I also need to have an HIV test for Benny and Amy. Their mother was diagnosed in 2005 but I don't know when she was actually infected. I have health records for Christine and Hailey indicating that they are fine, and I am sure Benny and Amy are too, I just need to be certain.
I'm getting there. Right now I haven't even had time to think about it. I'm just on auto pilot and taking care of the tangibles. The rest will come later and I am sure that we will all come crashing down. But for now there is too much to be done to grieve.


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## mothragirl (Sep 10, 2005)

you should check out the adoption board here. kudos to you for being there for these kids!


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *uptownzoo*
I would suggest that, other than a basic physical with your doctor, you hold off on any major decisions (i.e., vaccinations, circumcision, etc.) until later. You clearly want to make well-informed decisions, and you can take the time to do that. Yes, doctors/social workers/other "experts" would like to act as if these decisions must be made right now and will try to cause you to panic. It just ain't so. You deserve some time to make these decisions, and this is all way too new for you to be thinking clearly yet.









:


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

There are finding your tribe forums by area.

Please feel free to ask for help. A lot of women on here have access to a lot of resources- childcare, school, drs., research etc.

-Angela


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## Bruden (Jan 24, 2006)

As I was reading about your lifestyle, it occurred to me how lucky these children are that they'll find someone who can demonstrate a healthy life for them. As long as you guide them, love them, and take an active roll in their lives, you'll be fine.

Good luck with all the practicalities (insurance, pediatricians, etc). Do you have friends with kids that can point you in the right direction for stuff in your area? I recommend putting out feelers for help. That's a lot of children in your lap with no previous experience.

I'm impressed with how it sounds like you're dealing and I'll definitely be pulling for you!

Hug those kids, they must be reeling right now!


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## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

Wow - I'm so glad you're here. This place should be able to help answer most of the questions you have. I also hope you can connect with some other women in the Atlanta area to help you find a good all-natural oriented peditrician.

I very much admire what you're doing. I wish I lived closer to you because I'd find a way to help you out (I'm not in your state). Please post all questions, exhuasted rants, challenges or anything else you'd want to say. We're here to help and from reading how you live your life, this is a rather crunchy place that you will probably find fits well with your own views on things.


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## marymamma (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad that those kids have you now and I am sure you will do fine as a mama even though you didn't plan on it! You already sound like you are off to a good start. I am also really happy that you found this site, it really is a wealth of good information. Good luck and ask us anything!


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sophmama*
Wow - I'm so glad you're here. This place should be able to help answer most of the questions you have. I also hope you can connect with some other women in the Atlanta area to help you find a good all-natural oriented peditrician.

I very much admire what you're doing. I wish I lived closer to you because I'd find a way to help you out (I'm not in your state). Please post all questions, exhuasted rants, challenges or anything else you'd want to say. We're here to help and from reading how you live your life, this is a rather crunchy place that you will probably find fits well with your own views on things.


















:


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I also wanted to say.....

I know you said that you were previously childless by choice, which I respect, but I have to say that having children will not only be challenging, but also end up being the best/most rewarding thing you have ever done in your entire life.

So, make sure, in all the chaos, that you take time to stop and just enjoy those little ones.

(And I'd get them to a dentist in the next month or so. That's pretty "up there" on the list, especially if they've been eating junk food a lot.)


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Kathleen, I have goose bumps on my arms and tears in my eyes reading your posts. You have been thrown in the deep end, that's for sure, but you sound like one amazingly strong person!

ITA with the above posters that vaccination is something you can put off for a little bit while you get the more immediate fires put out. Esp. given that the kids' HIV status is uncertain (and if it were me I would have all 4 of them tested/retested just to be sure), so they're possibly immunocompromised, they've been eating crap, and I'm sure their stress levels are through the roof, you don't need to be adding on any immune challenges to their poor little bodies right now.

Sounds like you made some good choices with the Britax carseats - you really can't go wrong with Britax.









I hope it's OK, but I will cross-post this thread in the Finding Your Tribe section for Georgia to try to round up some local resources for you. Local parents will know the best peds, resources for finding counselling, childcare, etc.

Best of luck to you - this is going to be one heck of a ride for you and those kids. Although it's terrible that they have just lost their mother, they could not be luckier than to have you as their aunt.

And I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your sister.


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## Jennie143 (Dec 15, 2005)

I truly feel for your loss.







You are so brave to step up to the plate to care for your sister's children!

I live here in Atlanta too. Depending on where you live, Dr. Kute is a very highly recommended natural ped in Alpharetta. I don't know much about counselors though, so I can't help there.

I would be happy to help you in anyway that I can. What baby supplies do you need? Toys? I am involved in many local moms' groups, so I am sure we can all rally together and get you the things that you need.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Wow- I'm sorry for the loss of your sister and congrats on your instant family!

In addition to the Finding Your Tribe section of MDC, try your local Freecycle group. There are bound to be people in your area who have extra beds, children's clothes, etc.


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

I'm so glad the kids have an aunt that is so with it to go to, instead of going through the system. Sounds like you are totally on top of things, just make sure not to get burnt out. It's easy to do, just like with any job.

I do see you researched circ and changed your view







But I'm not sure if you've research vaccinating, I see some other posters have suggested waiting and I'll do the same. Vaccines are not required by any state, nor are they required to get into school. You can get a waiver in every state. Check out the vaccines forum for your research. You're already into the healthy living lifestyle, not vaccinating just goes along with it









I'm sorry for your loss, but so, so glad the kids are being taken care of. It's awsome that you came here for support - MDC is the cream of the crop, best of the best, the info you learn here will take you far


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

Good for you for doing this!! It's wonderful!! I'm about 2 1/2 hours away from you (Upstate SC) so PLEASE let me know if you need anything!! My brother and SIL are about an hour away from you as well so if you need anything let me know!!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

First - I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister.

Kudos on taking on the kids. I think it's wonderful that you're willing to do so, especially as you hadn't even planned on children being part of your life. You're an inspiration.

Others have addressed vax, circ & carseats already. May I discuss food? My nephew eats junk...lots and lots of junk. When he comes here, he always wants treats and junk food and stuff. So, what I've done with him, as kind of a step-by-step approach (instead of "cold turkey") is to have homemade treats on hand. I make him fruit & yogurt smoothies, and bake cookies (_some_ sugar, partly whole wheat flour, no trans fats, no preservatives, etc.)...things like that. I won't buy a ton of candy when he's here, but I will let him have a piece of my dark chocolate if he wants - still junk, but...I don't know - higher caliber junk?







We also feed him lots of fruits and veggies and healthy meals.

Over the years, I've noticed that he's beginning to prefer a lot of the things he gets here to the junk he eats at home. It's almost been a matter of gradually training his taste buds into an appreciation of good food. I don't know if this kind of approach would work for you or not, but it popped into my head on reading your post. My sister's four kids are in the "eat lots of junk, watch lots of tv" thing, as well...and i'll be their guardian if anything ever happens to her, so I've thought about these things a lot.


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## CallMeMommy (Jun 15, 2005)

You are an awesome woman to take on the responsibility of a family you didn't even know existed. You sound like you've got everything under control at the moment so I don't have any advice for you, just kudos. You've certainly come to the right place for any questions or advice, especially given your already crunchy tendencies!


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss! I'm truly amazed at your spirit and selflessness for these children. They've been blessed beyond belief!


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## tyedyedeyes (Apr 5, 2005)

I just wanted to pop in and say that you are doing such a wonderful thing and that MDC is such a wonderful resource for any questions you may have. I hope that you will be with us for a long time. Condolences to you for the loss of your sister, congratulations to you on your new family.

~Kate


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## 5796 (Oct 19, 2002)

Quote:

ITA with the above posters that vaccination is something you can put off for a little bit while you get the more immediate fires put out. Esp. given that the kids' HIV status is uncertain (and if it were me I would have all 4 of them tested/retested just to be sure), so they're possibly immunocompromised, they've been eating crap, and I'm sure their stress levels are through the roof, you don't need to be adding on any immune challenges to their poor little bodies right now.










when you are ready ...come poke (no pun intended) in the vaccination forum. There are a lot of wise moms who will help you research.

oh, and in the meantime. get this book if you can. Just a good all purpose health book----

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/089...lance&n=283155

good luck


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## ACsMom (Apr 21, 2006)

Just wanted to add my support. I think you are doing a wonderful thing for these kids and hearing about how you're dealing with all this is reaffirming my faith in the goodness of humanity.

I'm a child therapist and I wanted to bring up a couple things from that perspective. One is that if your sister was using during her pregnancies, the kids may have neurological issues and/or developmental delays. Once they're in school, if they start showing learning problems or behavior problems, you can look into having them evaluated by a psychologist (the school might pay for this) and they can receive services like an IEP (Individualized Educational Program) and counseling.

The second thing is, given the traumas they have been through, you might see behavior problems at home, even defiant behavior toward you eventually. I've found in my work with traumatized kids that it's often AFTER their lives become more stable that the behavior problems show up, because they are finally feeling safe enough to start letting out some of their emotions. Kids haven't developed the skills to talk about their problems yet, so it comes out in their behavior. Another poster suggested that you be in on their counseling sessions - I would second that recommendation, because it will help you understand them better, especially when their behavior is driving you up the wall. Anyway, that's down the road a bit - right now you're just plugging away at the immediate stuff I know. You're doing an awesome job from what you've said. Wish there were more people like you out there. Many blessings to you.


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## mooliette (Jan 8, 2004)

You are such an inspiration to mothers everywhere!! Truly amazing







s:


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

I am so sorry about your sister's death-I'm wishing you the absolute best and we are certainly here for you to lean on and to help you as things come up. You sound like me pre-children (my first was a surprise, and I also had never been around children) and you also sound like you're already a wonderfully intuitive nurturer. My only advice now is to keep it simple, take one thing at a time, try to take care of yourself, and trust your instincts-and it's clear that you've already figured that out. I'm certainly here rooting for you and your new family!


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## kate~mom (Jul 21, 2003)

wow! you are an absolutely amazing person - please stick around!


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Wow, Kathleen, just wow. It was an adjustment for me to go from being childless to having one child, and I had nine months of pregnancy to prepare! The shock of going from being childless to having 4 children to care for in no time at all must be really difficult for you. I am awed by your strength and bless you for coming to the best forum to ask for help!
I'm really sorry for the loss of your sister. Whether you were close or not, losing a family member is never anything but hard.


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## mamaroni (Sep 12, 2003)

Like someone else said, you are truly an inspiration! I am so touched by your actions for these kids. Sounds like you are off to a great start and have great instincts. These mamas here know what they are talking about so you came to the right place for sure. Hope you'll stick around.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister.
















colleen


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

I can't add to the great advice you've received from the earlier posters. Thanks for being such a great aunt to these children. Your willingness to help them will make a huge difference in their lives. It won't be easy of course but you'll find a lot of good advice and support at MDC. Hope you stick around.


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## 2 in August (Jan 6, 2006)

Wow, I just wanted to say that you are an awesome woman and you are going to be a great mom. There is so much good info here, you definately found the right place for help and support. You'll learn a lot here.







Big hugs to you for doing what's right for your sister's and now your kids.


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## geek_the_girl (Apr 12, 2006)

I agree that you definately found the right place. Stick around.
I a very sorry to hear about your sister. You sound like a wonderful mother to those kiddos.


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## AEZMama (Jul 24, 2005)

First off-so sorry on the loss of your sister. I'm sure it's probably harder on you knowing her history and of course, her children.

I'm sure that even though life's path took you in opposite directions, she is out there somewhere so grateful to have a sister as dedicated as you are. I honestly can say that I'm not sure if my sister would do that for me...and we are on speaking terms. You are truly an amazing woman-not many people would change their lives as drastically as you have in such a short time. Just take the changes and ups & downs in stride-you're all taking a new path together, and the more that you can work through the obstacles together the tighter a family I believer you'll be. And you can always come here to vent or for support! MDC is the most amazing place.

I definitely suggest speaking with someone in your local Child/Family Services office. Here in Florida there are a ton of programs for single parents, families living on one income, etc. I'm sure that with persistence you can get help. Definitely check out the Finding your Tribe Georgia/Florida board. There are a ton of people in Atlanta. You definitely should qualify for FMLA due to your sisters passing/adoption of her children. You may also want to check with your employer to see if they have adoption assistance-some companies do offer that benefit.

Good luck, hang in there and know that no matter what time of day, there are always mamas on the MDC who are here for you!


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

I am sorry for the loss of your sister. Very sad.

You came to the right place- there are hundreds, thousands of parenting websites- you chose THE right one. Trust me, I'm obsessed with my baby, and I don't go anywhere else for advice on her but here.









welcome to the biggest challenge of your life. you can do it. it will also reap you the biggest reward.


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## Brigianna (Mar 13, 2006)

Those kids are very lucky to have an aunt like you who's so clearly concerned about doing what's right for them. I'm sure this is probably very stressful for you--most people have 9 months to make the transition from non-parent to parent mentality--but I can tell that you care strongly about these kids and so I'm sure you'll be fine.

I'll second other posters advice that although you'll probably have a lot of pressure to make decisions right away, you really don't have to. Take the time to look at your options and make the best decision for you and your family. You've gotten several great suggestions already, but I just wanted to add a couple:

First of all, just as others have advised you to carefully reconsider circumcision and vaccines (and I'm glad you changed your mind about the circ--completely unnecessary!), I would urge you to reconsider counseling. For many people, especially young children, counseling can be more traumatic and degrading than whatever is supposedly being fixed. I would strongly suggest that you consider this carefully and look at multiple points of view before making a decision. And, again, there's no need for you to make any kind of decision right away.

The other thing I would suggest is to investigate your education/childcare options. I realize you're most likely looking to put them in school/daycare right away, especially if you're working 60 hrs a week, but there are many alternative schools in the Atlanta area that you and the kids might like. There are also homeschooling options (although I don't know if that would be an option for you because of work). Atlanta is a great place to raise kids, as I'm sure you'll discover.







Anyway, I would suggest looking at the different options before automatically enrolling them in your public school.

Other things--it's good you got the carseat issue resolved; that's important. You may not need a pediatricion right away, although I would suggest that all of the kids have a physical as soon as you get a chance. If the dr. puts them on any kind of treatment plan, I strongly advice researching it for yourself and not accepting anything unquestioningly. With the food, you can slowly wean them off the junk food and give them more healthy/organic stuff. You seem to be very much on the right track! This board has a lot of great advice and there are plenty of resources out there. Best of luck to you and your new babies.


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## MujerMamaMismo (Oct 28, 2005)

wow








:
kudos and love to you
and good luck...


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## PortraitPixie (Apr 21, 2005)

So glad you are here....










Peace and blessings to you....


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## Jennifer Z (Sep 15, 2002)

I am not from the area, but googled a bit for you. One of the PP mentioned that, because of their history, there is a chance they will have developmental delays and need therapy, so that is where I focused my searches:

The Front Porch of Atlanta: A Place Of Remembering, Caring, and Healing For Grieving Children and Their Families

United Way of Atlanta good place to find community resources for both grief, therapies, and evaluations for developmental delays. In a lot of communities it is a major resource for finding various services and the people often know what is available and where, even if they don't offer the service themselves. Here they work closely with the school system and places like YMCA to provide support for kids and families.

Georgia Community Support and Solutions looks like it might be similar to the place I take ds for his speech and ocupational therapy. If it is the same, they work with behavior issues and evaluate kids for developmental delays. Probably have a combination of Psychologists and various therapists, and possibly a developmental peditrician (the only kind of doctor that can give official diagnosis)

You might also see if there are early intervention programs through your school district. Depending on the needs and the area, public school can start as young as 3 for at risk kids.

I will add my admiration to the group here. You already absolutly sound like a mom...overwhelmed, but willing to move heaven and earth to do what is best for your kids. This wasn't what you signed up for, but you are facing it with strength and passion. I have a lot of respect for you. Much love to you and your new family.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Welcome to MDC.

My advice would be to take one step at a time. Don't try to fix everything in one day. I personally would "Wean" them from junk food gradually, because they are already grieving, and changing diets abruptly might be traumatic. I'd ask them what their very favorite foods are.

Some of them don't even know you. I would talk about how their mommy is your sister. Show them pictures of the two of you as kids if posssible. Tell a positive story if you can think of one. (I have a troubled sibling who is painful to think about, but I can still think of positive stories of times this sibling helped me or fun we had.) Be gentle with yourself as you grieve.









I would make sure you have someone to talk to like a social worker. Take really good care of yourself. You need to be full in order to be able to give. If your "gas tank" is running on "empty" things will be harder from the start.

And I would start a journal about everything. It's hard to keep track of who needs an eye exam, who needs new shoes etc. sometimes.

I think there's a good book called Adventures in Gentle Discipline, has anyone else read it?

Good luck.


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## lauraess (Mar 8, 2002)

You deserve an award. This is definately going to be an adjustment,,, duh-- you know that surely. When i became a parent at 30 the regular way i really struggled with adjustment. Hope you can get some support for yourself to deal with your emotions. remember, the emotions you need to work out will affect these children too.

I'm guessing that this is very much a fairy tale for them (besides the part of losing their mom)--- the good fairy aunt comes and rescues them and gives them a new life. At some point and even now perhaps in some ways the reality that they can figure is going to hit them in a way they probobly cant process.
Getting them good therapy is a great idea i think. Ask around, find someone GOOD.

Sending healing thoughts to you. fwiw, I believe your sister is resting in peace knowing the kids are with you.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Another piece of advice. Please consider changing your user name to protect your privacy and that of your new children. The internet is a fabulous place for support but there can be people lurking who do not have your best interests at heart.

And again,


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## KHalton (Jul 24, 2006)

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. Hailey and Benny are awake right now watching tv (I bought one last night) but the other two are still sleeping. I know I should be with them and not online, but I'm scared of them. Letting them watch tv is so much easier right now than trying to relate to them.
Today they go to the doctor and we go grocery shopping and get their car seats checked at the fire house. I rescheduled their dental visits for Thursday but now I am thinking of rescheduling again. I need to figure out sleeping arrangements as well. Last night all of them were in bed with me.
I'm trying to keep my mind occupied. I'm trying to keep denial in full force until I have time to grieve. The internet is proving very helpful in this respect. I know I need to spend time with the kids, but right now I don't want to have to shoulder their grief too. I can't handle it. So I let them rot in front of the tv because I don't know what else to do.


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## HomeBirthMommy (Mar 15, 2003)

Hi Kathleen. I'm so sorry for your loss. I admire what you are doing for these children, and I think in time they will too.
I'm in the Atlanta area (northern 'burbs) and would be glad to answer any questions you might have. I saw someone else recommended Dr. Kute. She is fabulous-absolutely the most gentle, compassionate pediatrician around. Here's her site.
Also, consignment season in Atlanta is just about to start. Consignment sales are when large groups get together to sell their gently used baby/children's stuff. You can get clothes, furniture, toys, gear-just about anything for really good prices and high quality (they weed out the crappy stuff). You can find a list of the Atlanta area ones here.
My favorite one is Kidsignments in Lawrenceville. It's worth the drive from anywhere in the metro area.
As far as food goes, you can get healthier "junk" food at Whole Foods/Harry's to help with the transition.
Here is a link to the Georgia area of MDC. Please feel free to post for help. There are a lot of us around here.









Don't feel bad about not spending every moment with them. Relationships will form with time. Maybe set aside 30 minutes twice a day to play a game or go for a walk where they have your complete attention.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Kathleen, I admire you for letting all of them into bed with you last night. Perhaps, until they're a little more settled, you could just allow this sleeping arrangement for the time being? Or put a mattress on your bedroom floor? I'm sure they're all experiencing quite the emotional upheaval and I bet the security of having you near them all night is helping them to feel more...well, secure. Just a thought...


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## kate~mom (Jul 21, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KHalton*
I know I need to spend time with the kids, but right now I don't want to have to shoulder their grief too. I can't handle it. So I let them rot in front of the tv because I don't know what else to do.

don't beat yourself up! this turn of events has turned your life upside down. not only do you have to address the loss of your sister, but also assist your neices and nephew with their grief AND make a number of changes in your life. if the tv is on for a while, so be it!

perhaps one of the toughest things to prepare for is the mix of emotions that you all will be experiencing. lauraess brought up some positives - the children may feel rescued - but this may indeed be accompanied by the normal negatives of losing your mom. so many things have changed for them, i wouldn't worry too much about junk food and tv for a while. all in due time.

many people have suggested adding finding a counselor for the kids to your seemingly endless to do list - i would just put in a gentle suggestion to find a counselor for yourself. as much as their lives have changed and as much grief that they may be experiencing, don't forget that you have to cope with exactly the same.

you have much support here at mdc!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're taking on something that few people would have agreed to. Take some time.

-Angela


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## Rigama (Oct 18, 2005)

Kathleen.

I don't have any further advice to add. These wise mamas have pretty much covered it. But I do want to just pop in and tell you how sorry I am about your sister and to say how wonderful you are for taking all of this on. Truly amazing.

You know, I don't blame you for being scared of these kids. You've suddenly become a mother to four children, two of whom you didn't even know existed. Kids can be mysterious and kinda scary, then add their loss and history into the mix and yeah, I can see you being scared. It's okay to put them in front of the tv for a while. It's okay to research online. My own child, 4 yrs old, watches tv every morning while I have coffee and fiddle online.

Trust your instinct, Kathleen. Question the things that are accepted as necessary, normal and true, and just follow what your gut tells you. We all know, on some deep level, how to reach out to the grieving and how to be a parent. We just get so caught up in questioning ourselves that we think we don't know anything.

Welcome to MDC, though I'm so sorry about the circumstances that brought you here.

Rigama


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

You're doing WONDERFUL so far! I wish I could be there to give you a supportive hug. One thing at a time. When you start to feel that wave of overwhelm, take a deeeeeep breath.......You do yoga...you know the breath I mean. Sit in your bathroom on the floor and breathe for 2 minutes, or one however many you can steal. Ground yourself again to face the next minute.

You are an amazing woman. I admire you so much. I wish I could help you more but alas I'm in the Midwest.


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## Korwynne (Feb 18, 2004)

Paige posted the links I was going to!

I'm in Duluth.. where in the metro area are you?

Also.. what do you need? clothing sizes, toys, etc? I'm decluttering and dont' mind passing some on rather than taking it to consignment if it'd help and I have something you need..


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Another vote for keeping them in bed with you for a little while. They've been through so much and you're all they have left. If snuggles help, then by all means, snuggle!

-Angela


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

oh please be gentle on yourself. you are going through alot right now and it must be completely overwhelming for you. you are an amazing woman to take on these children. much love your way


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## taz925 (Nov 29, 2001)

Kathleen,

I am so happy you found MDC and not ivillage. You will find many wise women here who can help you in your journey to motherhood. You have already made such good decisions. We all are cheering for your success.

Doreen


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## janebug (May 25, 2005)

Hugs and much love to you new mama. I am so sorry you and your nieces and nephew lost your sister. You have alot on your plate and alot in your heart right now. please please go easy on yourself.

let us help you shoulder your grief, field your questions, listen to your rants, heal your hurts and support you as you find your way. You will be awesome. You already are. You will get it all figured out. Don't forget to breathe. FIND SUPPORT IN YOUR AREA. Friends, families, people who can help out, give you a break. We are always here. I am 5 hours away which is a little far but if there is anything you need at all, just say the word.

You are brave and strong. You will all be fine. You will all heal.


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## ZeldasMom (Sep 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice*
My advice would be to take one step at a time. Don't try to fix everything in one day. I personally would "Wean" them from junk food gradually, because they are already grieving, and changing diets abruptly might be traumatic.

ITA. I won't go into the details, but my bio mom has many, many problems and life with her was chaotic. My parents got divorced when I was 9 and after that my 2 younger brothers and I lived with my mom during the school year. We spent summers with my dad and my step-mother, who had previously been childless. Those first several summers with my step-mother were very difficult. She was a very with-it, together, career-oriented person, who didn't get to gradually ramp -up to life with 3 rambunctious kids. Instead she stepped right into the deep end. In the beginning she was overly rigid and not nurturing enough imo. I felt judged by her and thought she didn't like me (there is a happy ending though--now we are very close and get along great). My point is just that I think it is important to be mindful about where these kids are coming from and not focus too excssively on "fixing" them.

Quote:


I would make sure you have someone to talk to like a social worker.
ITA with this too. I highly recommend family counseling to help you all with figuring out how to be a family together. This will also help you with figuring out what kind of expectations are reasonable and support you with getting everybody's needs met the best you can.

Quote:

Take really good care of yourself. You need to be full in order to be able to give. If your "gas tank" is running on "empty" things will be harder from the start.
I have found this is what is most imporant in helping me be the kind of parent I want to be. Even though I am a major parenting book reader, I think in a lot of ways, you already know what to do. Books are just something extra to give you ideas. But taking care of yourself is not something extra, because if you don't do that you become a version of yourself that is less likely to do the things that your best self knows are right.

Quote:

I think there's a good book called Adventures in Gentle Discipline, has anyone else read it?
I have this book, and think it's good. It's a great book for bathroom reading, because you can open it up at any point and read usfeul info. It doesn't matter if you read it in order.

Also check out the sticky in the Gentle Discipline forum with book suggestions. I might buy a couple and read on them when you have time. One of my favs is How to Talk So kids Will Listen and listen So Kids Will Talk. I have photocopied the little cartoons that illustrate the points and tacked them to the fridge to help me remember them.

I have also found that parenting has made me relive my own childhood issues. Parenting from the Inside Out is a good book for dealing with that.

Sorry for going on and on. Hang in there and have fun on this great adventure!!!


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## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

Wow! congratulations on being an amazing human being!

I am sorry for your loss,though. I can't imagine going through what you now. You are brave and strong. and truly beautiful.
I am sure we all could learn from *YOU*! I am so glad you came here! Even though I am into the natural living lifestyle I have learned so much from this forum that I just would not have otherwise! Especially reading about people like you. warms my heart.
I think everyone has just about covered what I wanted to say. Such great advice








One thing though, Just remember they are *little children* and very innocent, as much as you can, get down on their level and try to see things from their point of view. It is a difficult task I am still trying to remember to do and I have 3! Anyway Good luck mama!







Please come back with any needs/advice/venting anything!


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## Hanbonem (Nov 17, 2004)

I was very moved by your story, life has thrown you such a major challenge and it's inspiring to think of what you're doing to rise to the occasion (despite some well founded fears).

I wanted to lend the name of a pediatrician. Don't know if east point is convenient for you, but I have a friend who's part of an all woman OBGYN practice that decided to take on a pediatrician so that they could offer medical care to all the babies they were delivering.

Her name is Dr. Dorsey Norwood and she is based out of the East Point office of Life Cycle OB/GYN. She's a wonderful person, very nurturing, definitely open minded, an Emory grad if that holds any sway with you, and great with kids. She's got one of those sunny/funny personalities that kids are drawn to but will then turn and discuss your concerns in all seriousness. If I lived closer to town I'd be going there myself. Here's the link.

http://www.lifecycleobgyn.com/page3.html

Best of luck to you!


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## marymamma (Mar 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ZeldasMom*
I have found this is what is most imporant in helping me be the kind of parent I want to be. Even though I am a major parenting book reader, I think in a lot of ways, you already know what to do. Books are just something extra to give you ideas. But taking care of yourself is not something extra, because if you don't do that you become a version of yourself that is less likely to do the things that your best self knows are right.









:

I think you already have some good insticts about what you want and don't want for these kids and even though you never planned on having children in your life, you will be a great mama!

For me, even though I had time to prepare before having my kids, I still didn't feel like a mother right away. It took time to figure out what to do and what my stance is on different things. I am still learning every day and just deal with things as they come up.


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## vamp127 (May 1, 2002)

Wow, that seems to be all I can say after reading this thread.

I know from my own experiences here, this is a wise group of mamas. They can answer questions, or point you in the right direction. There is such a sense of community here.

That said, I'll be sorting through clothes in the next couple of weeks and would gladly send you some if you let me know the sizes. I have both girl's and boy's clothes. I could also send a box of books and other assorted items, if you would like.








and welcome to the wonderful journey known as motherhood. It is unfortunate that this is the result of the loss of your sister, but these children have been blessed to have you in their lives.


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## dancingmama (Dec 18, 2001)

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Are you a reader? If I could choose only a few parenting books, they would be "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" and/or "siblings without rivalry"-- AMAZING books (written by the same authors in the same style), easy reads, and soooooo right on. I've read them multilple times and continue to reference them again when I feel I'm not parenting effectively. And "Becoming the parent you want to be" which is a marvelous, thorough, gentle book that covers all sorts of ages and issues, full of examples of challenges etc. A really wise book, i think.

I wish I lived closer and could help you more directly. But welcome to MDC.


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## Jen123 (Mar 16, 2004)

Wow...honey...just wow.

Do you have any spiritual support ? Priest ? Pastor ? They will have tons of reliable support and help you to start networking. Don't be scared to go ahead and find a church even if you've never been. It will help.

Secondly...as to the tv thing...don't worry about parking them in front of the tube right now. Truthfully it's probably what they are used to and it will feel "normal" to them. As the grief wears off you can tune out the tv and start building relationships.

Going back to the first paragraph...I cannot stress that spiritual help will be vital to you right now. You don't have to join a church....or even go on a regular basis.....but the churches are there to help. Financially , emotionally and spiritually. Let them help you and the kids. Honest.


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## pearlgirl (Jun 7, 2006)

: God Bless you.


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## Anguschick1 (Jul 25, 2003)

I'm sorry for the loss of your sister









Congratulations on the formation of your new family -
















And finally - Welcome to MDC, let's throw some more














at you.

If you need anything, clothes, toys, bedding, to destress, vent, grieve, celebrate - we're always here. When it's 3 in the morning and you're reliving the day instead of beating yourself up at the hours of television watched or the veggies that weren't eaten, remember - tomorrow is another day. That's the beauty of this life, each day is a chance to do a little better, one step at a time. The minutes and days last forever, but the months and years fly by.

Good luck and please let us know if we can do anything.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jen123*
Secondly...as to the tv thing...don't worry about parking them in front of the tube right now. Truthfully it's probably what they are used to and it will feel "normal" to them. As the grief wears off you can tune out the tv and start building relationships.

I agree with this. As much as I hate the fact that they were parked in front of the tv all the time with their mom, it _is_ what they're used to. They've had enough change all at once, and I think some familiar things - even tv - are just what they need to stay in some kind of comfort zone for a while. Don't beat yourself up!! You're going to make mistakes - every parent does, and most of us don't have to deal with going from childless to mother of four instantly. You've taken on a huge challenge and just the fact that you're doing this is going to help those kids SO much.


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## jkpmomtoboys (Jun 1, 2004)

I just want to join in and say what you're doing is amazing, and being necessary doesn't make it any less incredible.

Give yourself and break and focus on one thing at a time. Car seats. Doctor. Dentist. Check, check, check. Other things, less vital, can come later.

Also wanted to put in a plug for seeing an adoption lawyer, so you can get these guys formally adopted and also have yourself named as legal guardian (since it sounds like your sister might not have had any estate docs). That way, you can enroll them in school and things like that.

Please keep us posted...there is a lot of help here...


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## Apwannabe (Feb 1, 2006)

I read your post on the circ board and had to find your intro. What an amazing person you are. Those kids lucked out having you as an auntie.
I read you are looking for a dr.
Are you familiar with yahoo groups?
Here is a link to a yahoo group that includes referrals to dr in many arteas maybe they will have one in your area. The group is run by "crunchy type" mothers so the referrals are usually good ones.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AP_Doctor_Referral/
Welcome to motherhood.


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## Rhiannon Feimorgan (Aug 26, 2005)

I couldn't read without posting, you are doing such an amazing thing for these children. I've been reading your other posts to. I know you are overwhelmed right now but it sounds like you are the kind of person who once you set your mind to do something you do whatever it takes to do it well. I'm sure you will be a great mom! These kids are lucky to have you.


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## hawkfeather (Jan 18, 2005)

"One is that if your sister was using during her pregnancies, the kids may have neurological issues and/or developmental delays. "

I just wanted to comment here.. you have a lot on your plate, heroin is actually _not_ considered a teratogenic agent, the biggest risks in pregnancy are generally lifestyle related and manifest as premature births and low birth weight.. at these kids age, I wouldn't stress too much about developmental issues. Like i said you have enough on your plate.

from reading this thread it seems like you have this list of _things_ a momma *should* do, and you are going thru the list trying your best. i am pretty sure most new moms do this, but i wanted to say..what makes or breaks a good parent is finding your own pace. There are few rights or wrongs and an infinite number of opinions and variations on *normal*.. you will find your way.

I knoe dentists and medical issues see, pressing, but i can't help but think, 'wow these kids lost thier mommy'!!! a lot of change is happening but i assume the most vital thing right now is thei mental and emotional health!


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## sadkitty (Jun 24, 2004)

Welcome. You can ask us anything







.


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## hajenkatt (Jul 10, 2005)

I just wanted to vouch for Jennie143 and her offer. I have recently moved to Tahoe, but know Jennie personally from our mom's group in ATL. She is a PHENOMENAL person, and she truly does have the resources to get you in touch with people that can help you out. There is a large network of moms in ATL that can help you by donating kids furniture, etc.--Jennie can DEF help you tap into that when the time is right.

Good luck, and know that you are doing a great thing.


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## Crazy Basil (May 22, 2006)

I couldn't read and not respond... You are doing a *truly* amazing thing. Really. Wow, I'm in awe.

I don't have any advice that the wise women here at MDC haven't already offered, but I just wanted to add my support. You sounded kind of down in your last post, and quite understandably. So....





















I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister.

I wish I lived in your area. As it is, I would be more than happy to send you toys or clothes if you need. I have a 2 yo boy, and we have lots of extra stuff laying around. Please, if you need anything, let me know and I'll send whatever I can.


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## windpowered (Apr 13, 2006)

Hello, Kathleen. I wanted to share with you the mantra that my friend and I made up as we travel this journey called motherhood. Your journey has started abruptly, but you are on your way nonetheless.

Congratulations!

I don't know if anyone has said that yet! It may seem a weird thing to say right now. But you are clearly committed to these kids, you have the resources (financial, emotional and spiritual) to help them, and you are going to raise a beautiful family. In several months things will seem a lot more clear and settled. Another thing that I tell myself when life turns upside down, as it has for me now and then, is "trust that the universe is unfolding as it should". Whether you believe in God or not, it is comforting to think that sometimes things happen for a reason.

OK, 'nuff of that touchy-feely stuff! You sound like a very "with-it" woman, which is how lots of people described me before I became a mom.







Somehow, becoming a mother can make all of us feel a lot less "with-it". So, go easy on yourself when you can't manage to get out the door in less than 30 minutes. This is my first piece of concrete advice: allow a LOT more time to do things than you are used to. Did it used to take you 15 minutes to have breakfast in the morning? Count on 45 minutes or an hour now. Could you stop off at the store and pick up a few things, and be in and out in 10 minutes? My minimum time in the store now is 30 minutes. My DD is 4 years old, and my only child!! It just seems that she always wants to help (which I encourage and is easier than arguing about it) or starts asking questions about this or that, or we have to hunt down the bathroom (even though she went JUST before we left home).

The side-effect of this is that you just CANNOT accomplish as much in one day as you used to. I remember being SO frustrated with this when my DD was an infant. There were days when getting the top rack of the dishwasher unloaded was my grand accomplishment for the day. Wooppee! So, what I have learned to do is make lists. Well, I used to do that before I became a mom, but now I do one more step. I put a star next to 3 things on the list for the day. Those are the things I would really like to get done. Then I circle one of those 3 things. That is the ONE thing that I MUST get done that day. If nothing else happens, and only that one thing gets done, it's OK.

One of the big tricks for me has been slowing myself down enough to enjoy being a mama. I'm kind of a 100 MPH type person. You sort of sound that way, too. It will be a big adjustment, but it has tremendous rewards.

I also wanted to give some advice on routines. I like routines, and my DD does not. I tried for YEARS to get her to go to bed early, and at a set bedtime, and she just won't. She is not wired to be the early bird, nor is she consistent from day to day. BUT...we have a bedtime routine, and it helps everyone. So, whether she's going to end up in bed at 9 pm or 11:30 pm, we start the routine about 1.5 hours ahead of time. She and I take a shower together, then put on our jammies. We have a bedtime snack, then brush our teeth. We get into bed and read some stories. Then we turn out the light and snuggle until she falls asleep.

Before we started doing this routine CONSISTENTLY, the evenings were abysmal. She would be tired, I would be tired, and she wanted my attention. I was trying to rush her through the "getting ready for bed" because I really just wanted her "in bed". Once we established the routine, a lot of the clashes in the evening went away, since she knew what to expect and she knew she would get some undivided, unhurried attention.

All of your kids are pretty young, and going through some major upheavals. Transitions can be difficult for toddlers and pre-schoolers. By that I mean transitions of any kind, including:

waking up in the morning
leaving the house
stopping one kind of play to do something else
saying goodbye to you
saying hello to you again
settling down to have a meal
settling down to sleep

And big transitions like

moving
death in the family
new sibling
new care provider

Most kids (and adults, for that matter!) appreciate a little advance warning when they have to transition. Your kids didn't get any advance warning that their mother was going to go away.







But, you can signal to them that you respect them and their needs by giving them some warning about the day-to-day transitions. I use sort of a countdown with my daughter. I say, "OK, in five minutes we are going to put on our shoes and go outside for a walk." Then she knows it is coming, and can mentally prepare to finish what she is doing right then. If she doesn't seem to be preparing, I give her a "1 minute until we're going outside". Using this approach has drastically cut down on our number of tantrums (when she was Benny's age) and amount of power struggles (now that she's 4 and KNOWS what she wants!).

Well, I better stop blabbering. My two cents has turned into more than that!

But I also wanted to say that I have a sister in the So. Atlanta area who would be willing to lend you a hand if you are interested. She is a member of a great church that could offer some assistance, if you are open to doing the church thing. (I know that I wouldn't be, so I understand if you are not.) Feel free to send me a personal message (PM) if you want her contact info.

Good luck! You are an amazing woman, and an inspiration to many of us here.

Kindly,

Diane


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

i couldn't read and not post.

you are amazing, such an inspiration. i just wanted to send







to you and the little ones, and a welcome and invitation to come here for support, advice and encouragement when you need it.


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## OTMomma (Aug 12, 2003)

Wow! I am crying reading your story. Those children are very lucky, and you are going to do a great job!









I'm sure you are feeling overwhelmed too wondering what might be good to keep all of them occupied, a few well chosen toys in my opinion:
- a nice set of wooden blocks would be great for all of them- blocks are a great toy and can be played with by the whole age range.
- Another good thing would be to make sure each child has a doll or stuffed animal, as children dealing with all the change they have are comforted by a plush friend.
- I'd also try getting a couple of games like CandyLand that you can all play together, it gives you an easier way to interact with them, you can even help the littlest one play
- Playing with a ball is always good too.

You are a wonderful person, and your life will be blessed by these children!

Peace,


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

One for each of you! It's fabulous that you are taking on this responsibility. You've come to the right place for help and support and respect for your healthy lifestyle.









Quote:

I think there's a good book called Adventures in Gentle Discipline, has anyone else read it?
Yes! That is a wonderful book! It gives such clear examples and makes gentle discipline feel like the easiest, most natural thing ever. The author's name is Hilary Flower.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

Kathleen's blog is no longer visible. Does anyone know how they are doing?

I wanted to mention The Natural Child Project as an on-line parenting resource: http://www.naturalchild.com/ Jan Hunt at the site does phone consultations from a gentle and respectful parenting pov: http://www.naturalchild.com/counseling/

I find that this article is a useful synopsis of gentle parenting: http://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/pdguide.html

This article about what to do when you are about to lose it would come in handy if I suddlenly had four children: http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt...ernatives.html

Kathleen, we are thinking of you. Take the time you need to remain sane. But, please ask for help when it seems too much. We all get to that place.

Pat


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## SortaCrunchy (Nov 24, 2005)

I have also been avidly following Kathleen's blog . . . anyone know what happened?


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## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

I would guess she deleted it for privacy reasons. I hope she'll still come here and fill us in on how she is and let us know if there's anything we can do to help her.


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Kathleen, I hope you're doing OK. There are so many people here wishing you well.


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

I didn't get to read all the replies yet but I just wanted to say that you are a wonderful person! These children are so lucky to have you and it sounds like they will have a far better upbringing now that they are with you. I am really sorry for the loss of your sister and for those poor children losing their mother







You truly are an angel. I'm glad you found MDC, I think you'll find a lot of support here.


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## EVC (Jan 29, 2006)

I also think of her often. I do hope she'll come back and update us.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *daceysmomma*
I have also been avidly following Kathleen's blog . . . anyone know what happened?

Me, too. I'm so worried about them all. I hope it was as simple as privacy issues and not depression or a major change in custody.







: I hope everything is as well as can be expected in their home!

Kathleen, we're all rooting for you!!!!


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

just another one adding







and








_i cannot imagine_ all that you are going through, but it sounds like you are coping amazingly well... it's also ok to fall apart for a bit... to a good friend? other family member? cry and release and then start again.


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

First, please accept my sympathy on your loss. How sad for all of you.

Ok, I wouldn't rush to vaccinate or get any cavities filled. First, do some research. THey've lived this long without, they'll survive a few weeks while you get it together.

Obviously, the exercise room and office are going to get a make over!







If there's room, they can share a room for a while, or a few can be in your room, if that doesn't make you nuts.

I'd get family counseling and individual for the kids. THey need to eb able to express their grief and in kids it can be complicated and a very long process.

You are embarking on a long and very difficult, but very exciting journey. These kids will, someday, realize what an incredible gift you are giving them, the gift of family.

Also, you can contact the admin here and get your name changed, even on this thread, so it doesn't still show up. Might make you feel a bit more secure, being anonymous.

I wish I could reach through the puter and hug you!


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## mlec (May 29, 2005)

I haven't had a chance to read this thread, but the LAST thing that poor motherless and neglected child needs is to have his genitals mutilated!!!!

Please check out the circ board. If you want to live naturally, discarding 25% of your nephew's penile skin is NOT the way to go! Not to mention the trauma to him/risk of future sexual problems.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mlec*
I haven't had a chance to read this thread, but the LAST thing that poor motherless and neglected child needs is to have his genitals mutilated!!!!

Please check out the circ board. If you want to live naturally, discarding 25% of your nephew's penile skin is NOT the way to go! Not to mention the trauma to him/risk of future sexual problems.

...but if you HAD taken the time and extended the courtesy of reading the thread, you would know that she had already decided against doing this.


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

Also wanted to say you've all been in my thoughts, and I hope everything is going well.


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## EVC (Jan 29, 2006)

Has anyone tried PM'ing her to see how she is?


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## DahliaRW (Apr 16, 2005)

I checked her profile and she hasn't been on here since the 28th. I dunno if she gets email notification of pms or not.


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## Jes'sBeth (Aug 30, 2004)

Hi Kathleen!
I live very far away so can only offer emotional support. Wow you must feel so overwhelmed! I hope that things are settling down for everyone in your family and that you got a few days or weeks off from work and were able to start sorting through the chaos. I'm so sorry that your sister died.

I really hope that you love mothering. It's overwhelming for sure but it really is rewarding too. I hope that you're able to find lots of info here that will be helpful and that you know it's a pretty safe place to vent when things get rough (and there are some really







: days for sure.

Here's to great love landing in your lap. I hope that together you will be able to grow and heal as a family.


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## hummingbear (Apr 17, 2003)

KHalton

WOW That is one heck of a lifestyle change!
I hope you are factoring in the support you will undoubtedly need. (Like the safety cards on airplanes; instructions are for adults to put the oxgen masks on themselves first and then the children.) It is tricky to give advise but I will because I cannot imagine how difficult the learning curve must be with four children suddenly in your life. Growing up with a baby gives plenty of time for the parents to learn too.
I see that you have not posted in a few days and I hope you are well. Perhaps you have just stepped back and become more anonymous.
Any updates would be most appreciated.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

KHalton, you can do this. I'm already impressed with your carseat and circ choices. You can probably get some FMLA time off to help you connect with your children. They must be in a state of grief and shock after losing their mother. Be sure to check out the gentle discipline board here.

You really came to the right place. This board is the absolute best parenting board on the internet, in my humble opinion. I suggest getting a subscription to Mothering Magazine and reading the articles there. Also go to the following sites: While Children Sleep: http://whilechildrensleep.homestead.com/

and

http://www.naturalchild.org/

Read their stuff. I think you are in for an amazing transformation in your life. I know this sounds wild right now, but these children are going to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

If you have the resources, get a reliable minivan (either a Toyota or a Honda) and hire a housekeeper.


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## Hobbes (Jul 10, 2006)

You should watch the movie raising helen, it's very similiar to your story and might be able to provide some relation to help you though this.

Summary:
Helen Harris is living the life she's always dreamed of: her career at a top modeling agency is on the rise; she spends her days at fashion shows and her nights at the city's hottest clubs. But her carefree lifestyle comes to a screeching halt when one phone call changes everything. She finds out her sister died. Helen soon finds herself responsible for her sister's children: 15-year-old Audrey, 10-year-old Henry, and 5-year-old Sarah. No one doubts that Helen is the coolest aunt in New York, but what does this glamour girl know about raising kids? The fun begins as Helen goes through the transformation from super-hip to super-mom, but she quickly finds that dancing at 3a.m. doesn't mix with getting kids to school on time--advice that Helen's older sister, Jenny, is only too quick to dish out. Along the way, Helen finds support in the most unusual place--with Dan Parker, the handsome young pastor and principal of the kids' new school--and realizes the choice she has to make is between the life she's always loved and the new loves of her life.


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## Daphnes_mama (Sep 12, 2003)

I've gotta say that I am starting to wonder if this whole thing wasn't just made up. Why someone would make up a story, I have no idea. But the fact that she was blogging for awhile, and then deleted her blog, seems fishy to me. This was a blog that was started after she got the kids. I don't know about you, but if I were in her shoes, I would hardly have time to breathe, let alone blog. Also, some of the stuff about having to get her 2 year old nephew a circumcision and then spanking the kids sounds like she was trying to get a rise out of people.

Is anyone else having doubts about this person's authenticity? I wholeheartedly apologize if I am wrong and I will happily eat crow.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Daphnes_mama*
I've gotta say that I am starting to wonder if this whole thing wasn't just made up. Why someone would make up a story, I have no idea. But the fact that she was blogging for awhile, and then deleted her blog, seems fishy to me. This was a blog that was started after she got the kids. I don't know about you, but if I were in her shoes, I would hardly have time to breathe, let alone blog. Also, some of the stuff about having to get her 2 year old nephew a circumcision and then spanking the kids sounds like she was trying to get a rise out of people.

Is anyone else having doubts about this person's authenticity? I wholeheartedly apologize if I am wrong and I will happily eat crow.

Hmmmm...I'm not so sure. She hasn't been on since July 28th and if I was really seeking attention I would at least be watching and reading posts to my thread. I am wondering how she is...if she is...


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## boingo82 (Feb 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cutie Patootie*
Hmmmm...I'm not so sure. She hasn't been on since July 28th and if I was really seeking attention I would at least be watching and reading posts to my thread. I am wondering how she is...if she is...









You can lurk without being logged in.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

.


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

I personally did not get a trolling vibe from her at all....I think there was way too much effort put into her posts here and her blog (which only was up for a couple of days) and way too many details for it all to be fictional.

My fear is that she decided it was too much and gave up the kids to social services, and didn't want to post it. My hope is that my fear is unfounded, but that she decided she needed privacy more than she needed online support.

Either way, I wish her and those kids all the best.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

.


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Quirky*
I personally did not get a trolling vibe from her at all....I think there was way too much effort put into her posts here and her blog (which only was up for a couple of days) and way too many details for it all to be fictional.

My fear is that she decided it was too much and gave up the kids to social services, and didn't want to post it. My hope is that my fear is unfounded, but that she decided she needed privacy more than she needed online support.

Either way, I wish her and those kids all the best.

I agree, it seemed like there were way too many specific details and honest emotions in all of the writing. My fear is exactly the same as yours, that she became entirely overwhelmed and someone else now has the children. It's understandable if someone like that happened, what a major, unexpected and drastic life change, but I hope that isn't what happened, of course.

This family is in my thoughts frequently. K, if you are watching, I hope you are okay and getting all the help you need.


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## Cutie Patootie (Feb 29, 2004)

.


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## lauraess (Mar 8, 2002)

Gosh, i dont understand suspicion at all. She truly seemed like a person who had it together and was handling such an astounding turn of events in the most mature way possible.

I'd bet she did get overwhelmed and sought help elsewhere but decided to keep privacy as much as possible on line.

I mean, if people can google and figure out what is going on with her than perhaps she's worried about certain figures showing up that would really throw a wrench into those poor kids' lives.

I wish her all the best


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## Daphnes_mama (Sep 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lauraess*
Gosh, i dont understand suspicion at all. She truly seemed like a person who had it together and was handling such an astounding turn of events in the most mature way possible.

I'd bet she did get overwhelmed and sought help elsewhere but decided to keep privacy as much as possible on line.

I mean, if people can google and figure out what is going on with her than perhaps she's worried about certain figures showing up that would really throw a wrench into those poor kids' lives.

I wish her all the best





































Maybe you are right. I am sorry to sound suspicious. You guys are probably right about the details. Still, I hope if she is real, that she and the kids are doing okay and just protecting their privacy.


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## Mama2Bug (Feb 18, 2005)

I really don't think she was/is a troll. A quick google brought up posts on other message boards asking similar questions and with the exact same details. One of them was a carseat safety board- not exactly the sort of place one goes looking for drama.

I hope things are going well for you and your family, Kathleen. We are all cheering you on.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Has anyone e-mailed her through MDC?

I wonder why the blog redirects to an autoinsurance sales site instead of just being "not found".


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## 2happymamas (May 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama2Bug*
I really don't think she was/is a troll. A quick google brought up posts on other message boards asking similar questions and with the exact same details. One of them was a carseat safety board- not exactly the sort of place one goes looking for drama.

I hope things are going well for you and your family, Kathleen. We are all cheering you on.









I did this, too. I found some similar posts, but there were some differences. At MDC, she said she did not know the youngest two existed but knew about the older two. On another board, she said she only knew about the oldest and had no idea the youngest three existed.

Who knows?


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2happymamas*
I did this, too. I found some similar posts, but there were some differences. At MDC, she said she did not know the youngest two existed but knew about the older two. On another board, she said she only knew about the oldest and had no idea the youngest three existed.

Who knows?

Really? Wow, that is rather odd. I just wish she would log on and tell us. I don't want to believe that it could have been someone fooling with us.


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## 2happymamas (May 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky*
Really? Wow, that is rather odd. I just wish she would log on and tell us. I don't want to believe that it could have been someone fooling with us.









Yup, search on google for "KHalton" AND "children". It comes up with a car seat site (as a PP mentioned). When you search for her other posts, she reveals that she only knew about the oldest and not the other three.


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## Hobbes (Jul 10, 2006)

I too found some of it suspicisious (i can't spell) .. her story really mimicked the movie Raising Helen which is why I posted that about it to her.

Also she talks about getting Tv after one day, and they're watching it already, maybe my town just stinks but I can't buy a tv one night and the following morning already have cable, I gotta usually wait a couple days then wait between the hours of 8am-12pm for the guy to show up at 3pm.

But if im wrong i apologize, and I hope that the kids find loving homes.


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## sophmama (Sep 11, 2004)

I hope all is ok with her. The story does sound fantastic but I believe it for now. The 2 vs. 3 kids thing - well you know I don't think that's a big deal. She may have "heard" about the second but not met it or is just one of those people who mix themselves up when they talk under stress.







I dunno. It does me no benefit to disbelieve the story right now. If she'd been drumming up financial help or donations I think my radar would have gone off, but she didn't. She didn't seem to want any personal attention - just answers about specific Q's about kids. It could all be fake. But it could all be real. Though rare, those things certainly could happen.

Honestly if she hit a point where she felt like she couldn't handle the kids in this early roller-coaster, I don't think I'd be in a position to judge her. Families adopting ONE kid from an abusive background sometimes are rocked to their core. A single woman adopting 4 kids? That's just a lot to shoulder alone.

I'm hoping she decided to stop logging on under this account and her blog because it's a real name and she's avoiding it for privacy reasons. If you're not someone who wants a lot of celebrity - attention like this could freak you out.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Well, if it wasn't true I'm hoping whatever reason she posted about it was fulfilled. Perhaps she needed to feel respected and looked up to and maybe she felt tht for a moment.

If it isn't/wasn't true, I wish her peace.


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## merrybee (May 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hobbes*
Also she talks about getting Tv after one day, and they're watching it already, maybe my town just stinks but I can't buy a tv one night and the following morning already have cable, I gotta usually wait a couple days then wait between the hours of 8am-12pm for the guy to show up at 3pm.

She said she lived in an apartment. Most apartment buildings are already wired for cable.


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## punkinsmommy (Apr 28, 2006)

I have seen this same story, or a variation there of, posted on other parenting boards many many times. A family member dies, leaving the poster with a number of children. The names change, and sometimes the cause of death. I've seen the sister story a few times. There's also a story where the boyfriends parents dies leaving the poster to help care for all the boyfriends siblings. The OP posts a few times, and then never returns.


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## pookel (May 6, 2006)

Could just be that she posted because she needed specific advice getting started, and now she doesn't feel like hanging out on parenting boards. Some people don't. Maybe she got what she needed and didn't feel the need to stay here and get chummy with everyone.


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## Joannarachel (Dec 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Daphnes_mama*

Is anyone else having doubts about this person's authenticity? I wholeheartedly apologize if I am wrong and I will happily eat crow.

I am so glad I am not the only person thinking this







:

I have actually thought that from the moment I read her OP.

She has no experience mothering, doesn't know anything about AP/NFl, or the things that are important to MDC users, but in one thread she manages to touch on circumcision, vaccines, co-sleeping, and BRITAX CARSEATS?!?!?!

I'm really not buying it.

I'm also pretty sure that I just violated the MDC U/A, so if I have, feel free to delete me, Madame Moderater, and mea culpa


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## Gigi2214 (Aug 13, 2006)

Sorry for your loss.

I would like to tell you to hang in there and see the bigger picture. You are all these children have and I know it will be a drastic change in your life.. but who better then their Auntie?









I definitely think you should take then all for a good check up and confirm the possibility of having HIV. You can take hte car seats to your local fire dept. and they can install them properly for you. It really is quite tricky..when you think you are doing it correctly, you really aren't.

As far as their eating habits and the T.V are concerned. I think it's great you are buying one for them.. just so what was somewhat "normal" for them in their daily lifestyle doesn't change. Try little by little to change their eating habits to become better. Don't stress over it. You should try to get some counceling help, just so everyones feelings and emmotions are out and help you all settle in as a new family now.

What's most important of all is your love and care for all your sisters kids. Just know that they are in good care now and part of being a parent is a everyday learning process.

I think a pretty neat thing to do is while you are off this week. Set some time out asside, all sit down together and talk about what each of the kids like to do. Like what seems fun for them.. what they like to eat.. what's going on in school.... Simple things that can try to take their minds off of the loss of their mom and get them going on another subject. Maybe it will help.
God Bless you.. You are doing a WONDERFUL thing!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joannarachel*
She has no experience mothering, doesn't know anything about AP/NFl, or the things that are important to MDC users, but in one thread she manages to touch on circumcision, vaccines, co-sleeping, and BRITAX CARSEATS?!?!?!

I'm really not buying it.

I have no idea if she's genuine or not, but I find the above a really weird reason for doubting her. I'd never heard of AP with my oldest, but I already had strong opinions on circ, was thinking about cosleeping (didn't call it that), was wary of vax, etc. Her self-description was pretty "crunchy" in a non-parenting way. And, I think she said at some point that the social worker recommended the circ...

I don't care if this was a joke (yeah - funny) or not. I just hope that if it wasn't a joke, she and the kids are doing okay...


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

i had the same doubts for the same reasons joannarachel did...i was pretty inclined already toward NFL and AP before i even had kids, but i would have been hard pressed to nail things quite so neatly as she did.

ah well...


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## Kaitnbugsmom (Dec 4, 2003)

Khaltom is also the name of an indie music group that is very popular on a mainstream board full of 20 somethings that I used to go to that used to {and may still} take great pleasure in bashing AP and even MDC itself...

I just found this thread and honestly the way she had circumsing the 2 y/o on her to-do list like it was a trip to Kohls is what set off my troll alarm. Off to google and catch up


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## lauraess (Mar 8, 2002)

Im finding it amazing that there is such negativity and suspicion at this person. Sure, i guess sometimes people make stuff up- in this case, in this way (virtual reality) I just cant see the point. oh well. so be it.
But why waste time wondering and searching for info to prove your point?


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## Kaitnbugsmom (Dec 4, 2003)

for me, I googled because I was the only person up in the house and couldn't sleep, so I was up for cheap entertainment. The red flags are red flags no matter what


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lauraess*
Gosh, i dont understand suspicion at all. She truly seemed like a person who had it together and was handling such an astounding turn of events in the most mature way possible.


That's one of the ways in which it sounded most suspicious to me - that and the fact that started a blog specifically about having 4 children. I mean, who has time to start blogging about something like that days after a tragic death? People do things for all sorts of reasons, but I'm inclined to think that this poster liked all of the positive feedback she got, telling her how lucky the kids were to get her, what a thinking foster mother she was. She said and did all the "right" things on this board. Was totally pliable about circ and spanking, got great postive feedback and told wonderfult things. Who wouldn't want those kind of accolades?


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## Kaitnbugsmom (Dec 4, 2003)

the other thing being the issue of her not actually having custody, but then she says {either here or at carseatsafety forums, can't remember} that the foster mother told her what carseats to get, AND that the kids had never been in carseats before she put them into them. 1- my stepmother worked for DCS, and a close friend still does. They dont' allow kids to be handed off to relatives without a court order or legal order of some variety approved by the court & caseworker. 2- if they were in foster care, even pending a relative pick-up following the death of their mother, the foster parents would have had to put them in carseats. likewise whatever CPS or court officer picked them up from their previous location and brought them to the foster placement.


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