# What do you tell subsequent children about the child you lost?



## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

hello Xiola'sMomma, sorry about your loss. I haven't told my DD and DS about their sister yet. I guess I am just waiting for the right time/place/something.

I do remember being about five yrs old and asking my mom if my sister and I were the only children she had, and learning that we had an older brother (stillborn). She told us his name and brought us to where he was buried. i was not sad that I wasn't the first, but I was disappointed that I never got to meet him or have him a part of my life. i am glad that my mom told us and shared her story with us.


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## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

After we lost Elijah, I read a father's account of his wife's miscarriage. In it he spoke of the idea of "death before life" as opposed to "life after death" that we hear so much of. Death before life means that any subsequent children we have will be who they are BECAUSE of the loss. If I hadn't of had the loss, I wouldn't be pregnant with my new (or old!) spirit. Not that I would have chosen to miscarry on purpose, but somehow I find comfort in the way things work. If this baby makes it, Elijah's breif life and death filled a space of time enough to make way for the new life. Does that make sense?

So of course I will tell our children about Elijah. He was/is a part of me and of us as a whole.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

This is such a great topic for discussion. I know I used to wonder how I would tell my subsequent children.

What was realy refreshing for me is that I never did have to 'tell' them. Our spirit child Amanda Leigh has always been a part of the family. We have a memorial wall in our hallway and I would say "Amanda's wall" when we walked by.

We spoke openly and honestly. It always amazed me that they just accepted it. They talk about her as their older baby sister who lives in the sky. As my son get's older he askes more questions about her and why she died. He expresses greif that he couldn't know her and that she's not with us. But, all-in-all, it's just been a natural, normal transition.


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

I think it's essential to be honest in what you share with your kids

my youngest siblings were twin boys, born when I was 6, one died at age 3 weeks

the story my mother always told was like this " I didn't know I was having two babies, I still got to bring one home, M was too pure to live, God needed him in Heaven" and I always took this to mean "it was no big deal to lose a child"

so when i referred to M many years later in ordinary conversation and got this huge outpouring of grief from my mother I realised that she was trying to minimise her pain for us! and so she could keep going caring for the other 6 kids!(probably obvious to an objective viewer but I grew up with this story firmly in place)

M was never remembered in any way at birthdays, anniversaries or other special events

I can only imagine the pain of having a baby turning one, two etc, growing up, all the milestones and no place for the lost ones memory

I wish my parents could have been honest about their feelings, not to overwhelm us but at some point to acknowledge their lost child - it IS a big deal

I have grown up haunted by this brother and have only recently felt all my feelings openly and "laid him to rest" - 35 yrs later!

I have gradualy shared my feelings with my older ds (from about age 6 or 7) about the two I miscarried before he was born, and he occasionally refers to those brothers or sisters who"didn't make it" (his words), I will do the same for ds2 when he is a bit older

if we want our kids to feel their feelings and make progress on their inner journeys we must share honestly with them, make sure there are no family ghosts

of course we have to be sensitive to what they can handle, they are children! but honesty can be very simple, becoming more complex later

indiegirl makes an important point about how things work - I am not the same person as I would have been without experiencing miscarriages, my kids are souls other than those that would have come with those other bodies - so it's important to acknowledge the ones "present as missing"

XM I hope you can mkae sense of my rambling post! you will know what to tell your other children when the time is right, because you will know them so intimately


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

But, my first is very much a part of our lives. We have several pictures of him around the house. When we name the people in the pictures for our second, we say, "This is your brother Keith. We celebrate Keith's b-day every year with a hike somewhere beautiful. We buy an age appropriate gift for his b-day and Christmas to donate. As my 2nd gets older, these things will be a part of his life. He will know he has a brother. We will tell him that his brother was born too early and couldn't stay with us.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I haven't been pregnant since my loss. But I would tell my future children. My mom lost a baby when I was about 7 and then went on to have my sister. I don't remember anything specific, but I know we talked about her. I can't remember if my parents took my sister to the cemetary. I remember going a few times after the funeral, but not really after my mom had my youngest sister. My parents have a memorial book with pictures of my mom while she was pregnant and pictures from the funeral. I used to look at them as a kid. I think that it's important.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Arduinna, that's beautiful how you remember. Your future children will be so healthy being able to remember your first.

MelKnee, a warm and gentle welcome to you. Your signiture line is beautiful. Your honoring your son's life by sharing him with his brother.


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## LEmama (Nov 21, 2001)

My oldest son was 2 3/4 when we lost our second son, so he has always known his brother in heaven. In the first few weeks after Henry died, ds#1 kept saying "I want to open a window for him to look (down)" We kept our explanations honest and simple. As he has grown older, we have shared more of the story with him.

Our youngest son is 2 3/4 now. I guess we first shared Henry with him when he was 6 months old - he sat with us while we lit Henry's birth day candle and looked at his photos & momentos. So, I guess he has always know too.

I am not sure if there is any benefit to waiting until a child is 'old enough' to understand. I think it's best to share the story and your love of their older sibling as soon as you feel ready too. Hugs to you Xiola's Momma


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## gamrgrl (Jul 9, 2002)

My grandmother lost three babies, a set of twins (boy/birl) in enfancy from sids and her oldest boy when he was 3 or 4 I think. I never even knew the oldes boy existed untill I was 14 or so, and my aunt told me she had once found his ashes in a closet. This experience took on new meaning for me when Dante was stillborn. I am determined that my baby will never be a "family secret" something you "just don't talk about." All my future children will know that they had a brother, and that he is in heaven waiting for us. If they want to they will be able to share in his birthday "celebration" when I go through his memory box, and when they are old enough they will be allowed to look at his pictures if they want. I don't think there is any reason not to tell them, so I will tell them.


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