# Concerned that I am taking it too far....



## AbisMom (Feb 9, 2004)

Hi ladies,

I have been coming here for about a year or so now, to offer what little support I can being as my loss was so early, and learn what I can do to be a better friend to those who have lost a dear child. A young girl at work just lost her daughter, and she is not taking any phone calls at all so I don't know all the details but I do know that she was about 35 weeks. I have a few questions for you:

1. Is it inappropriate for "us" to buy a keepsake box and have it engraved with her daughters name? Do you think someone will have done this for her already? I was thinking of having it read:
In loving memory of
Child's Name
I am concerned about the spelling of her name, I know that many people will spell a simple name very complex-ly from time to time (like my middle name!).

2. Is it inappropriate for me to buy several cards and have anyone here who is interested sign them before I send them to her?

3. Should I mail these to her or try to take them to her personally? I know that she and her husband were going to go away for a while (it's only been about two weeks) to deal with things in their own way, so I am not even sure if she is home, and like I said, they aren't answering any calls.

Any information that you can provide me will be greatly appreciated. I will be printing out a few of the threads here to give to her and introduce her to this wonderful support group, as well, I just want to make sure that I am not going too overboard, as we were never that close, but I feel so deeply for her.

Thank you so much.


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

I don't think that you are taking it too far. I was very appricative of everything that was given to me. I wish more people would have said something instead of turnning away from me like i was a freak or something. I made a cross stitch peice with My Carter's name and the date and his weight and length and a message underneath. I love it. and I really wish that someone else would have done something like this for me. I know that i may seem shallow or whinny in saying that but i do feel that way. She might not be open to it right away but i'm sure she will appricate it in the long run.


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## Mothra (Jun 4, 2002)

I would not get the box. Grief is a very personal thing, and I dont think that everyone would be okay with something like that. I've never lost a child, but I have been close to people who have and I know that sometimes well meaning people sometimes inadvertantly hurting the people they are trying to help. Unless you know her very well and know how she would feel about this, I would not do it.

You can always collect donations to make to a charity in the baby's name, order flowers, or just send a card. If they are in the process of healing, something like this, a visible reminder, might open the wound more. In addition, getting a certificate for the engraving puts the responsibility on them to actually have it done. I know you don't know the details for the child, but it might be hard for them to do that.

It is a lovely idea, but I think a simple card or donation in the baby's name is more appropriate.


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## mcamy (Aug 23, 2004)

When my husband and I found out that I was going to miscarry, we did not want to talk to anyone and did not take any calls for quite a while. I think that everyone is different in the way that they deal with grief, but being someone who just wanted to be left alone, I did not want the flowers and sympathy cards. I felt bad enough without having to be reminded of our loss each day by others.

I think you should be respectful of your friend's privacy and when she is ready she will tell you what it is she needs from you. I would take my time with her and not try to over do things until she has dealt with her loss in her own way.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I really like the idea of the cards. Maybe you could even buy a couple that said things like Thinking of You and send them out at different times like Two month aniversary and such. I really like the idea of the box, and I know I would have been very touched to recieve something like it. However I know that not everyone would feel that way. I am also fond of the idea of donating to a charity in the babies name or naming a star after her. Also calling when she is ready to recieve calls, and stopping by to talk would be a wonderfully supportive thing to do. You are such a caring momma and have been so supportive to all of us here. I know you will find a good way to reach out to this woman.







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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

The things you mentioned sound nice, the box-perhaps a bit too personal, but you know her, we do not.

Something very important is to just be there for her, not just today or two weeks from now, but months down the road. When the shock wears off and the sadness sets in is usually when everyone else has moved on and you feel very alone. This will be a long journey for her and her husband. Be there, let her share her baby with you. I know I have felt like I want to talk about my baby a lot, we have this primal urge to share our babies-whether born healthy and strong or silent. Let your friend know this is a welcoming and safe place. We are hear for her if she needs a place to come to.

Love, Brandi


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I too would avoid the box. I think often a box is given at the hospital, if they want something nicer they may want to pick it out.
I think the idea of a charity donation in the babies name is really wonderful.
Also when she is ready to talk, ask her about her baby, most people will not want to hear about her, it will be a great relief I suspect if you ask what colour her hair was (or whatever)


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Not much to add, just wanted to give you a big







for being supportive to this mama during such a horrible, difficult time.

Good for you...wish there were more out there like you!!!







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