# "hows the baby?"



## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

How did those 3 little words put me in this mood. at the beginning of june, i went out and spent a lot of money on NICE maternity clothes. Most were worn only a couple times, and then i lost the baby. I wore the maternity clothes, for a few days after that, then i went and bought new clothes for me.
Well, i decided to list my maternity clothes on craigslist. I have someone interested in them, and she asked if she could come by thursday.

At the end of her last email, she asked "hows the baby?" What am i supposed to say?? Dead???
I dont want to talk about this to a stranger. i dont want to fill this mom to be with utter worry. I dont want her to think my clothes were jinxed.

UGH!
Why was i so shocked that someone would ask this? I mean, if i am selling maternity clothes, that means i dont need them anymore, and that means i had my baby. Of course, no one would think that maybe the baby died.
I know it would be a normal question, but i guess, after going thru everything i have been trhu, i guess i would never ask someone how the baby was. I dont assume anything when it comes to pregnancy and child birth.


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

Sorry for your loss







I would just not answer her. It's not of her business I'm sure she wouldn't ask again if you just ignore the question. If you give them to her in person can you just say you're busy do a quick exchange and be done with it? I don't like telling strangers either. Like I'm not going to tell every cashier that asks "how are you".


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I totally understand not wanting to talk about it.
But I am also one for shock value. I believe that if people ask personal (and sometimes inappropriate) questions that they deserve to get the very true (and sometimes inappropriate) answer.

So hows the baby?
Oh, it's dead that's why these clothes are in such great shape.
or you don't have to be so crass and just say my pg didn't make it to term or something like that.

but like pp said that is your choice and you can choose to just plain ignore it.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Oh dear. I would probably tell her the truth. Maybe it would make her a little more careful in the future.


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## Baby~Braatens~Mama (Apr 21, 2010)

OP! Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you are going through this! It seems like the pain is still very real for you, and I would do as the first pp wrote and just not respond. You are in my thoughts!


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## idigchaitea (Aug 21, 2007)

I'm so sorry! I have been there. I remember selling the double stroller that I never even got to use. I remember being asked that question, "How's the new baby?" And I also wondered what I should say. That hasn't happened in so long now, so I hope that soon things will quiet down for you and those difficult questions won't be asked anymore. *hugs*


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I usually would say something like, "The baby didn't make it" or something else really, really vague like "It didn't work out".

I know what you mean about feeling like your clothes are jinxed. I thought the same thing after my dd's stillbirth.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

There are a lot of ads like that. TO wear a person is selling both boy and girl clothes, maternity clothes, brand new baby gear, etc. If I am inquiring about something and it looks like something *may* have happened, I do not ask.

People have asked me and I just say "She (and he as we had 2 losses) passed away"


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## kalamos23 (Apr 11, 2008)

I was in the $tree last month picking up pregnancy tests to follow my HCG down after losing the baby. The cashier (a young guy) asks "Oh, are you thinking you are pregnant?" So I answered him honestly, and told him I had just had a m/c and was following my levels down. He fell all over himself apologizing and even said "Man, that will teach me to ask something like that"... so I consider it a positive thing in that maybe he won't ask someone else.


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## JessiFish (May 1, 2009)

I usually go with "we lost the baby".
I should be six months pregnant right now. When I'm going out I try to wear tight fitting clothes that show my not-pregnantness. People still ask. I really want to say "Do I look pregnant to you?!?"


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

Ugh, isn't there some classic poem or story or something by Hemingway or like that, about "For sale: baby shoes. Never worn." and it's supposed to be the saddest story ever? I would always keep the possibility in mind when buying maternity or baby stuff.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for having to deal with questions.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

You know, I'd just say "oh, the baby passed". To me this does two very important things. First it validates your baby (and babies). You were pregnant with a very real and live baby who you'll miss and love forever. Second it brings babyloss into reality. After I lost Amelia it was like every single woman I knew told me about their miscarriages. It shocked me that some 2/3's of the women I knew had lost babies and NO ONE talked about it...like it was taboo. Babyloss shouldn't be taboo. It happens, sadly it happens a lot. If women supported each other through that loss I think it would be less crazy making and more money and research would go into finding answers.








I'm so sorry that the memories of your losses got unexpectedly thrown at you.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JessiFish* 
I usually go with "we lost the baby".
I should be six months pregnant right now. When I'm going out I try to wear tight fitting clothes that show my not-pregnantness. People still ask. I really want to say "Do I look pregnant to you?!?"

People have thought I was pg when I wasn't- I once got berated by a complete stranger in a pharmacy for "drinking diet coke while pg." She shut up real fast when I told her "I'm not pg, I'm just fat." So the "do I look pg to you?" line might not go over the way you think it might.








I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I remember when my aunt lost a baby, she gave me a bunch of maternity clothes she never even had the chance to take the tags off of. She didn't want to attemp to return them or try to sell them- she just gave them away. I think I ended up donating them someplace, as they didn't fit me- but she couldn't deal with doing it herself.


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## JessiFish (May 1, 2009)

I'm pretty thin, I definitely don't look pregnant.
I just try to remind myself that people are trying to be nice when they accidently hurt me.


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## bcblondie (Jun 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
People have thought I was pg when I wasn't- I once got berated by a complete stranger in a pharmacy for "drinking diet coke while pg." She shut up real fast when I told her "I'm not pg, I'm just fat." So the "do I look pg to you?" line might not go over the way you think it might.
.










I hope they learned something.


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

yes, i remember being really worried about this when I went to sell our carseat on Craigslist. I had to get rid of that damn thing quickly, since it sat in our living room, breaking my heart every day. But I knew that advertising a brand new carseat would beg the question of why we never used it. Sure enough, I had to try to hold myself together as I showed it to several women with bulging bellies. It ended up not being as rough as I'd imagined it could be. The woman I ended up selling it to asked why we were getting rid of it, and I just said that we no longer needed it. She got quiet and I think she understood enough not to say more. I had been really worried that I was going to break down, and I really didn't want to give any of these nice women any reason to be scared or worried, during a time when they should be joyful and happily naive.

There was a previous poster, though, who eloquently mentioned the unspoken stories of loss, and our cultural tendency to not share it. I totally agree. I just think you'll need to do what works for you. I think either approach is appropriate. The reality is, you are grieving and hurting. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

Yes, this is so true.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *WaitingForKiddos* 
You know, I'd just say "oh, the baby passed". To me this does two very important things. First it validates your baby (and babies). You were pregnant with a very real and live baby who you'll miss and love forever. Second it brings babyloss into reality. After I lost Amelia it was like every single woman I knew told me about their miscarriages. It shocked me that some 2/3's of the women I knew had lost babies and NO ONE talked about it...like it was taboo. Babyloss shouldn't be taboo. It happens, sadly it happens a lot. If women supported each other through that loss I think it would be less crazy making and more money and research would go into finding answers.








I'm so sorry that the memories of your losses got unexpectedly thrown at you.


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## Got_Cloth (May 14, 2005)

i never replied to her. I am going to now though, in case she was still interested. I just spent a week in the hospital, and my life has been super chaotic, and i just havent been able to deal with it. i appreciate your replies. it helped me to feel my feelings are valid.


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