# the story as I feel like telling it today



## jmhammond (Mar 30, 2005)

I'm getting out of the house today. It's required. There is probably some way around it, but it's a welcomed escape-an escape from the mundane task of trying to think of one more thing to keep my mind off the baby. My baby; the one I lost two days ago named Jordyn Justine Hammond. She died and stopped growing inside me and I never got to know her. I didn't get to hold her, or kiss her, or even tell her that I love her. That's why it's become so important to me that we are eternal beings with souls, b/c I must believe that her soul KNOWS I love her and that she is now with Jesus.
So out I go. It's odd how independent I am, yet how much I longed for Micah to come with me. To protect me from what I feared people were going to ask and what I most wanted to talk about. Is that possible? I feared people would ask the dreaded, "How are you?" and I would answer, "fine," although the honest answer would be, "I feel like I'm dying." Yet at the same time it felt so odd to not talk about it. As the speaker droned on about responsibility to clients, I wanted to stand up and shout, "MY BABY DIED AND I AM SO SAD, I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS HAD TO HAPPEN."
But I didn't. I sat there and sipped Coke. Something I gave up when my son was one, although I've always loved it. I stopped drinking it b/c it had become an idol, a crutch and I wanted to re-learn to rely on Jesus instead of Coke (sounds silly but true) so I stopped drinking it. I didn't want my kids to drink soda also, so I stopped as an example. Micah bought me one on the way home from the pharmacy after the doctors gave us the pills that would "help" my body expel the dead baby from my womb. I needed it. I've had one every day since then. Maybe tomorrow will be better and I will be back to not relying on that old crutch, but for today I sipped it and died inside while learning how not to "escalate hostility" when working with opposing counsel in criminal cases.
The very word "hostile" made me think of my own womb. It became a hostile environment for my baby, but it didn't even know it. The baby died at 8 weeks, or so the ultrasound tech told me. Actually what she said was, "There is a fetal pole measuring 8 weeks, but there is no heartbeat; this baby has passed." The rest of what she said was a blur; I just sobbed and asked for my husband. They had made him wait outside. My body held on to the baby for 6 weeks without even knowing. But there were signs, the brown blood which the midwife told me was "normal."
And I lost hair. It sounds really strange but I remembered from my first pregnancy that the whole time, every time I would wash my hair, none would fall out. Last week I noticed in the shower that when I washed my hair, big handfuls were coming out. Just like they did after I delivered Breck almost two years ago. My body knew the baby wasn't growing, but my hostile womb wouldn't let her go.
So I made it let go. I took the medicine that started cramping and labored for three hours, cramping, and passing clots the size of oranges while my mom, son, and husband slept. I didn't want to wake them, I wanted it to be over and done. Even when I passed out twice from the amount of blood I lost. I woke up lying on the floor in the hallway asking Jesus to let me die or just take the pain away. It was horrible, but Jordyn was dead and I wanted her body to go, as her soul had, from my body. And it did, or so I thought.
The cramping stopped; I didn't take the last pill. I didn't sleep, I just watched mindless movies and laughed at my son who has recently decided he loves to lie on the floor with his grandma and put a clothes basket over their heads. My son who is clueless his sister is dead. The day passed, and another sleepless night.
The second morning we went to the birthing center and sat in the waiting room sobbing as expectant mothers and even a mom with a 48 hour newborn baby girl waited also to be seen. Micah held me as I cried; I couldn't look at them or even see them because it was so painful. I held in the noise of my crying, but I remember that my shoulders were shaking, and he held me as tears also silently passed over his own cheeks. It was the newborn really that did it. The baby girl.
The midwife examined me and found the baby, not passed yet, the body was resting at my cervix. She pulled her out and showed her to us. She was inside her sack still, we didn't open it. "Do you want us to send it to pathology, they can look at it and give you some reasons maybe." "I don't know, what do you think, Micah?" "It's up to you, honey, will it really matter?" "No, we don't need to send her to a lab." "We just know that the baby couldn't live anymore." "We'll see you again in two weeks then, do you know the signs to call us? Abdominal pain, fever, chills, flu-like symptoms&#8230;"
Then the ride home, she was really finally gone, body and spirit now. Another Coke. Joy at the sight of my son and the basket on the floor with my mom. Thank God for my mom, she was here visiting. She came to the ultrasound; she has never seen one before. She still hasn't, as the tech didn't show anyone my daughter's picture with the silent and still chest cavity that should have held a beating heart.
We named her Jordyn Justine. Jordyn after the river where Jesus was baptized, Justine after my dear friend, the closest thing to a sister I have. I love her name. I will always love it. I keep thinking of how to remember her, as if I could ever forget. I want to get a ring with her name engraved on the inside, close to my skin b/c I never got to hold her close to my skin.
Who knew it took three days to miscarry a baby? Who knew I would lose so much blood that my blood pressure at the midwife's office was 98/58? Who knew this would hurt so badly? Who knew???? Not me, not Micah, not Breck. Jesus take the pain, heal my heart and body.


----------



## laralee16 (Nov 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry mama. (((((HUGS)))))


----------



## Shachar (Aug 16, 2006)

: My heart is aching for you. I also had a loss almost 3 weeks ago and everything you wrote, I can relate to. Sending you healing vibes.
-Dawn


----------



## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

Oh, jm, that's so sad. My heart goes out to you.

Talk with the people who will listen, or talk here with us. Telling people you are 'fine' when you are not is tough on the soul.

You have been through so much, losing your Jordyn Justine, losing so much blood and not sleeping, please take good care of yourself, body and soul, during these worst of days.

I'll be thinking of you and your baby girl, and praying that God will carry you and your family through this painful time.

Keri


----------



## Ligmom (Nov 24, 2001)

Jodi,
I came over from the DDC to read your story. I wanted to hear you. And to tell you that your daughter is a beautiful soul and she will always be with you.

My heart is broken for you...I pray for your peace and healing.










Leigh-ann


----------



## bluebird68 (Mar 6, 2006)

Dear Jodi, thanks so much for sharing your story and pain with us here... there really aren't enough words to describe the journey, nor are there words that can adequately comfort, as the can't change the fact of losing your dear sweet Jordyn. Just know that lots of healing thoughts are being sent our way, and hugs as well. Many hugs to you, mama... michelle


----------



## Aurora (May 1, 2002)

Oh, mama! I am so sorry! Your daughter has a beautiful name! You are in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## CandyApple (Nov 1, 2004)

Hugs, mama. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


----------



## Ben's Mommy (Aug 11, 2005)

My heart is aching for you mama. The ring is a beautiful idea. She will always be in your heart, forever.
















Jordyn Justine


----------



## RivieraMom (Jun 14, 2005)

Jordyn Justine









Hugs and peace to you, Mama.


----------



## Niamh (Jan 17, 2005)

:









My heart's breaking for you and Jordyn.


----------



## fireshifter (Sep 2, 2005)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry. I know you must be raw right now and in so much pain. Sending prayers up for you.

Jen


----------



## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Holding you and Jordyn Justine in the light.

Wishing you peace tonight.


----------



## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I know nothing I can say will ease your pain. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for you. It is never easy to lose a baby, and one that you never got to even hold can be worse.

It will be hard, but I know that Jesus will be there for you, as He always has been. And He will comfort you in a way that no one else can.

The comfort I got when I lost my son was just knowing that Jesus was holding him in His arms, when I could not.

Take care, and get some rest.


----------



## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

i am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby.
I know your pain...the unbearable pain of losing, the never-ending "why this happened to us" that run through your head incessantly.
RIP little angel baby.

May you return to a ddc soon if that is what you wish.


----------



## GreenAmber (Sep 29, 2006)

I lost my baby a week ago today (September 28th). I was 13 weeks pregnant and he stopped growing at 6 weeks. This is your thread and I'll write one of my own here sometime. I just wanted you to know that a week later I'm still lost and flattened and heart broken too. As you come back to this thread to read these new posts periodically, just keep knowing you're not walking this road alone.


----------

