# Get Off Your Butt Parenting...



## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

nak

What ever happened to the "Get off your butt parenting" advice that I used to see here all the time a couple years ago?

Anyone else remember that?

I was kind of turned off to this forum because of it, I thought it was kind of insulting.

I just realized the other day that I haven;'t heard (read) that phrase in a long time.

I was curious if others found it offensive too....


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think it is a great phrase that really describes what people who use GD tend to do. Rather than get up to smack a kid or yell at her you put some effort into your interaction by forming a relationship with your child and looking at triggers and eliminating them or teaching your child coping skills for them. You do a lot of explaining and discussions also and it takes time and energy so the term is an appropriate one IMO.


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

I love the phrase and keep thinking about it a lot lately. It's exactly the sort of parenting that my 2 y/o needs right now but I'm having a hard time with it because so often I *am* quite literally on my butt, nursing a baby.

I don't find the idea offensive but I think it's the kind of phrase that should be introduced to somebody gently. A parent asking for advice might not realize that it's a commonly used phrase and might think they're being told to get off their butt.


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## amberchan (Nov 3, 2006)

http://goybparenting.com/


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

for me it describes the difference between gd and permissive parenting.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Yeah ITA with the idea of it...I just don't like the wording.

But I am someone that is picky about wording.

It did help me realize what my son needed from me when he was starting to toddle around and get into everything!!

GYOB and interact/or redirect instead of getting frustrated or repeating yourself a bunch!

Thanks for the replies...


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## Umm Haneefah (Mar 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amberchan* 
http://goybparenting.com/


I've never heard about this method of parenting. I don't think too much of it if a quick peruse of this website is anything to go by.

Some quotes from the Get Off Your Butt Parenting page:

"You'll experience most people believe that a child should be taught to obey. And I agree."

"Don't tag your commands with a "please"."

"If your child is this young and you begin GOYBP immediately, they will learn quickly that your words mean business. Soon, you will be able to simply say the command and they will comply. ""

I don't like the sound of the words obedience and compliance.


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

I don't know about the web site, but I really like the phrase if for no other reason than to remind myself to *Get Off My Butt* and be more hands-on. I'm an English professor and writer, so it is SO natural for me to sit for hours upon hours reading or writing or grading papers. I hate to admit it, but that's really been one of the biggest challenges for me as a parent - getting off my booty to just interact with Grace. She's so self-sufficient and good at playing alone, or she's attached to feeding tubes, I sometimes have to remind myself that I should be crawling around on the floor with her.







:

She's starting to tell me herself, though, in her own precious way. The other day I picked up my computer and she walked over and closed it, grabbed my hand and led me to her room and said, "My room!" as if I'd never been there before. We had the nicest teaparty!


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Umm Haneefah* 
I've never heard about this method of parenting. I don't think too much of it if a quick peruse of this website is anything to go by.

Some quotes from the Get Off Your Butt Parenting page:

"You'll experience most people believe that a child should be taught to obey. And I agree."

"Don't tag your commands with a "please"."

"If your child is this young and you begin GOYBP immediately, they will learn quickly that your words mean business. Soon, you will be able to simply say the command and they will comply. ""

I don't like the sound of the words obedience and compliance.


yeah...that doesn't sound to good...I never went to the website.
That sounds like language I would use in reference to the dog I am training...


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## bellacymom (Apr 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
nak

What ever happened to the "Get off your butt parenting" advice that I used to see here all the time a couple years ago?

Anyone else remember that?

I was kind of turned off to this forum because of it, I thought it was kind of insulting.

I just realized the other day that I haven;'t heard (read) that phrase in a long time.

I was curious if others found it offensive too....

I have never heard it before but I think it is a little offensive. I have two kids and the only time I am on my butt is at night when I pass out. But on the other hand I guess it's just wording.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

I think it's a pretty good phrase. Of course maybe this is because of witnessing my MIL basically ordering her older kids to take care of the younger kids, yelling commands and giving out punishments all while comfortably sitting on her booty. (DH is 29 and his siblings are 27, 19,12 and 8 - we've been together since the youngest was a little babe).

I think she'd have a better relationship with her kids if she had Gotten off her Butt....literally.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Umm Haneefah* 
I've never heard about this method of parenting. I don't think too much of it if a quick peruse of this website is anything to go by.

Some quotes from the Get Off Your Butt Parenting page:

"You'll experience most people believe that a child should be taught to obey. And I agree."

"Don't tag your commands with a "please"."

"If your child is this young and you begin GOYBP immediately, they will learn quickly that your words mean business. Soon, you will be able to simply say the command and they will comply. ""

I don't like the sound of the words obedience and compliance.

I have been using this term for years and this is the first time I have heard of a website about it. I think that like many terms it can have different meanings depending on the group using the term and how they actually define it. This website seems really harsh. Connecting with your child and making efforts to understand them and teach them how to navigate through their problems in gentle ways, for them as well as for you, doesn't seem harsh. It is all about context.


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## Shami (Oct 9, 2007)

Umm Haneefah, I have to reply to your post. The quotes you posted taken out of context may seem mainstream and not GD, but if you read more thoroughly you will see that this woman is VERY gd.

For example, this quote that you gave:
"You'll experience most people believe that a child should be taught to obey. And I agree."

The sentences following your quote say this:
"However, the method with which most people are familiar in teaching this includes punishment, most often spanking. Happily, it's possible and indeed imperative that we teach our children to obey without resorting to spanking or other punishment. Even if we chose to reserve punishment as an option in our home, we can not spank or punish our child for every misbehavior. We need tools that work in the absence of punishment. It's my experience that it's not the spanking or time out that teaches. It's the absolute consistency and parental involvement. GOYBP provides both of those key elements."

To me it is clear that she does not advocate spanking or even punishments of any kind, but she realizes some parents will choose this way.

You said you have a problem with the words obey and compliance, but the quotes you took are out of context.

Children do need to obey and be in compliance. I don't know any parent even the most extreme gd parents who don't need/want their children to obey. It is a necessity for their safety and their growth in life to learn this from their parents. I am not talking about militaristic/authoritarian obey me or else. I am talking about obeying in the sense that we are a family and everyone has to learn their function within the family. The parents have to teach this and the children have to learn it. Parents teach by doing (modeling) and stating what needs to be done (command). Children learn by following (obeying/complying) the parents. Don't let the terminology turn you off. Get the basic premise of her principles.

She says, you need to state your command and then act on it, rather than repeating yourself over and over, saying their name in an 'I'm going to punish you' tone, or spanking.

For example, "Suzy, it's time to put on your shoes." Parent needs to follow this command with bringing the shoes to the child and helping them put them on.
Or, "Suzy, get off of the table." The parent goes and takes Suzy off of the table.
If you do this from the time they are young, you are helping/disiplining/teaching them to 'obey' your command. Eventually they will comply with just the command. It just becomes a way of life. Parent teaches/disciplins the child by doing everything WITH the child until they grow enough to do things on their own.

Some parents give a command and when it is not obeyed, their follow up is a time-out or spanking. However, she is saying that there is no need for this punishment when your follow up is lovingly doing it WITH the child.

So, maybe the terms compliance, command, and obey sound a little militaristic, but if you read the whole context I think you will be surprised to see that she is quite gentle. She doesn't do time-outs or anything punitive.

I was very enlightened by her website. I hope I made sense. I am not trying to start an arguement, but I felt to defend her a bit.


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## melissel (Jun 30, 2004)

The creator of that site is also the originator of the "bean dip" concept. I'm on a HSing board with her. She's GD, but definitely is not as far over on the spectrum as most posters here.


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

What's the bean dip comment?


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## ThreeBeans (Dec 2, 2006)

Wait, is it the, "Thanks for the advice, pass the bean dip?"


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## melissel (Jun 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ThreeBeans* 
Wait, is it the, "Thanks for the advice, pass the bean dip?"

Yep. She wrote a little article about it, too, though I haven't seen it in awhile.

ETA: or maybe it was just a post here







I just Googled and found this. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv...d/?msg=69364.2

UlrikeDG is a member here, too.


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## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

I don't have a problem with the phrase - I think it gets straight to the point that parenting is hands on. However, I really dislike her site from a human rights point of view. Replace the word children with wife and see if you can still agree that it is respectful. *shudder*


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## Shami (Oct 9, 2007)

Boheime thanks for bringing up this aspect of replacing child with wife with regards to human rights.

I need help understanding this aspect of gd. Or maybe this is more of a consensual living issue. I don't know.

Ok I get that I need to respect my kids as I would any other adult. What I don't get is how to view them as an equal in the family dynamics. How can you view a child and a wife as COMPLETELY equal. A wife has already learned how to eat, be polite, do her homework, etc. No, you wouldn't command a wife to do something. For example, 'Hold my hand while crossing the street'. A wife already knows how to cross the street. I don't get how to parent without giving some commands in a respectful teaching kind of way.

Thanks for your post. It really helped me figure out what was bugging me.
I hope some can respond to help me get clear about this.


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## melissel (Jun 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boheime* 
I don't have a problem with the phrase - I think it gets straight to the point that parenting is hands on. However, I really dislike her site from a human rights point of view. Replace the word children with wife and see if you can still agree that it is respectful. *shudder*

I don't agree with everything she says, but from what I understand, she's writing to address a very authoritarian Christian community--the Ezzo/Child Training/Lisa Whelchel types. I gather from reading her posts on this other board (where she's in the very small minority in terms of her view on discipline, as am I) that that's her background, and she's stepped away from it and is trying to effect change. And again, while she's in no way an advocate of consensual living, she's still an advocate of gentle discipline, even it's not the particular brand that most mamas here prefer. She recommends connecting time-ins instead of time-outs, opposes spanking and yelling and shaming, etc. Most of what I've read on her site is not so far from stuff I remember reading in Becky Bailey's book (which I hated, but which I know is highly regarded by some here).


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## colobus237 (Feb 2, 2004)

Isn't it possible to respect children for who they are - small people with very little life experience who need lots of care and guidance from their parents? And respect adult women for who they are - people with much more life experience who are equal partners with their spouses in providing that care and guidance?

Treating my children like my husband would not be respectful of them or their needs.

I liked the site a lot! It reminds me a lot of Anthony Wolf.


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## LotusBirthMama (Jun 25, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ccohenou* 
Isn't it possible to respect children for who they are - small people with very little life experience who need lots of care and guidance from their parents? And respect adult women for who they are - people with much more life experience who are equal partners with their spouses in providing that care and guidance?

Treating my children like my husband would not be respectful of them or their needs.

I liked the site a lot! It reminds me a lot of Anthony Wolf.

I couldn't agree more. I am not as much into GD as people here, and when I need advice or help with an issue I feel like I often have no where to turn. The GOYB site looks really promising and I look forward to reading more.


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## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

But guidance is not control. I may guide my children, but I don't control them. I don't expect obedience. I work WITH my children to find solutions that meet everyone's needs to the best of our abilities.

I guess I should say we are a non-coercive/consensual living family. We don't punish. We don't reward. We treat each other with respect regardles of age or gender.

Why shouldn't children be equal partners in their own upbringing? It may be our job to guide them away from dangers, but they are the ones learning the tools they need to succeed in life. Surely they should have some part in that and not be pawns to what we dictate.


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## colobus237 (Feb 2, 2004)

I think we have a divide in philosophies here that we're not going to bridge here. Not everything is optional and negotiable in my world, and I don't believe that children are prepared to be "equal partners" in the way that adult spouses are. Still, we can agree that finding ways to avoid punishment and guide gently is a good thing.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boheime* 
Why shouldn't children be equal partners in their own upbringing? It may be our job to guide them away from dangers, but they are the ones learning the tools they need to succeed in life. Surely they should have some part in that and not be pawns to what we dictate.

Because they are children and there are some things that they do need to defer to a parent on even if they don't agree with the decision at the moment. There are a lot of things that seem silly to children but as you get older you begin to learn why these things make sense. Children should have a very big part in decisions and there should always be room for discussion but there is not always room for a different choice. People who expect their children to follow directions sometimes don't do this out of the desire to make their children pawns they do it because something needs to be done and there are times when even adults don't have a choice. This is especially true for a family that doesn't have the option of having one person stay at home at all times with the child who would rather not go to daycare, school, shopping, to the park, etc... All of these things have value for a person's life or are just necessities of life for many families but they are not always what kids want. Making a child go to daycare because you are single parent and you will all die without food is coercion but it is also necessary for the well being of the family. Not letting a child run into the street when they really want to do it is also coercion and you use force sometimes to prevent this, that doesn't make your child a pawn. Sending your child to bed so they can have plenty of sleep and you both can have a nice day the next day is coercion, but it is for their well being. If you have bedtime but don't let them know that they can stay up if they want to because you would rather they didn't stay up late that is a type of coercion and dishonesty.

For a parent to be truly non-coercive they would need to never coerce or force their child to do anything and that includes anything that is necessary for the family to survive. That means that if the child doesn't want to go to school the parent would quite their job and stay home, if the parent wants junk food only the parent allows that because to do otherwise is coercion, if the child wants to stay outside all night in the dark and hitch rides with strangers the parent allows that, if the child would rather play video games and watch tv the parent doesn't try to get them to change their mind because that is a form of coercion.


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