# How do I stop him from using me as a soother?



## DivineMrsM (Dec 19, 2008)

Because I think I'm about ready to lose my mind!! We co-sleep, and he wakes every hour, just long enough to latch on. If I dare take it out before he's fully asleep again, he has a meltdown. I can't sleep like that!! I have totally screwed up my shoulders from lying on my side the way I have to. I LOVE sleeping with him, but I can't be his soother anymore.

I tried putting a mattress in his room, but last nite, I just slept in there with him as I got tired of getting up and out of bed every hour or 45 minutes.

Any ideas on what I can do??? He's 10mths old.


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## mbhf (Jan 8, 2005)

For me, realizing that it is totally normal and natural for my baby to need to nurse very frequently was really helpful. A pacifier is a replacement for nursing, not the other way around. It is drilled into us that babies nurse for food every X hours and anything more than that is "just" comfort nursing. It can be uncomfortable and some nights I would love for my baby to just sleep all night but seeing it as a genuine need for her makes it much easier than seeing her as using me.


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## Learning_Mum (Jan 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mbhf* 
For me, realizing that it is totally normal and natural for my baby to need to nurse very frequently was really helpful. A pacifier is a replacement for nursing, not the other way around. It is drilled into us that babies nurse for food every X hours and anything more than that is "just" comfort nursing. It can be uncomfortable and some nights I would love for my baby to just sleep all night but seeing it as a genuine need for her makes it much easier than seeing her as using me.

It doesn't sound like he is nursing though, he just likes the nipple in his mouth for comfort.

Will he take a dummy? DS1 used a dummy and from about six months on if he woke at night I would put the dummy in, and if he happily went back to sleep I knew he just wanted to suck. If the dummy didn't work I knew that he was hungry.

I understand how you feel. I am a person that gets really, really touched out and unfortunately when I get touched out I get grumpy and you don't want to be grumpy with a baby. We all need to do what we need to do.

I've never read it myself, but I've often heard good things about the 'No Cry Sleep Solution'. Might be worth picking up a copy?


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## DivineMrsM (Dec 19, 2008)

Thank you, LM! No, he's not even sucking good enough to trigger the letdown. He just kinda holds the nipple in his mouth and as soon as I take it out, he wakes up flailing for it! No, he won't take a soother either. I have NO problem nursing him at nite, if that's what he needs. He's a fast nurser anyway. But the fact that I can't even take my nipple from his mouth is very frustrating.


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## mbhf (Jan 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Learning_Mum* 
It doesn't sound like he is nursing though, he just likes the nipple in his mouth for comfort.

And what's wrong with that? Why is it only okay for a baby to nurse for food?


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mbhf* 
And what's wrong with that? Why is it only okay for a baby to nurse for food?

It isn't wrong on his side, but it appears to be making it so Mom can't sleep. I understand wanting to make a change.

If he won't take a pacifier, can you put your finger in his mouth or something?


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## Jerlin (Apr 19, 2010)

My son will be 10 months next week, and I know what you're going through! He does the same thing! I don't know what to tell you. Perhaps you can try a different position? Perhaps lying on your other side? Mine just wants the nipple in his mouth long enough until he falls asleep. Hang in there. This won't last forever.


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## Sri Radha (Jun 24, 2007)

My daughter is almost 6 months and we have been going through the same thing the past few nights. It's really hard on me. I can't sleep and nurse. I only do one sided nursing so I can't switch sides. I don't know what to tell you because I don't know what to do myself.


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## kdescalzi (Jul 30, 2007)

I am right there with you. I have a 15mo old dd who must sleep all night long with the nipple in her mouth. She is not eating, she simply needs something to suck all night and will not accept a soother. To the pp, there is nothing wrong with comfort nursing...I do it multiple times a day when my dd is tired, fussy,teething,fell down, etc. It is very very hard to sleep on your side night after night with another little being attached to your nipple. I am sure the op has no issue with comfort nursing just has I do not, HOWEVER, a lo who must nurse ALL NIGHT LONG is simply using you as a paci and it is hard!! I have no advice. I am in your shoes. I keep plugging away. I use pillows to prop me up and I try to meditate and use soothing music to calm me. Good luck and I hope you lo grows out of it soon


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## Sandyandhaley (Jun 11, 2010)

I think around this age is when I started nursing my daughter to sleep and then I would rotate her so that I was cuddling her from behind. She would wake up and roll over, nurse for a good 30 minutes or so and then I would help her roll over and she would sleep for an hour or so. I feel like this helped to encourage her to suck longer, stay on, and really get relaxed and then my nipple could have more of a break since I have never been able to sleep through her nursing either.


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## mbhf (Jan 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kdescalzi* 
To the pp, there is nothing wrong with comfort nursing...I do it multiple times a day when my dd is tired, fussy,teething,fell down, etc. It is very very hard to sleep on your side night after night with another little being attached to your nipple. I am sure the op has no issue with comfort nursing just has I do not, HOWEVER, a lo who must nurse ALL NIGHT LONG is simply using you as a paci and it is hard!!

I understand this, I've been doing it for over 5 years.







I just think a mother's attitude towards nursing (in any given situation) has a lot to do with how uncomfortable it is. A baby is not "using" you as a pacifier no matter how often or how long he or she nurses, pacifiers were created as a substitute for nursing. What makes "comfort nursing" comfort nursing? It's really all just nursing and is a genuine need for a baby. Babies are not meant to nurse for 20 minutes on each side every 3 hours for nourishment and anything else is just extra or baby "using" mom that can (should?) be replaced with a pacifier. It is a genuine need for baby, even if he or she "only" needs to nurse to be comfortable and know that he is close to mom instead of being ravenously hungry. I think seeing it as a genuine need makes it very easy to meet that need, where seeing it as the baby "using" you makes it very difficult and ends up with feelings of frustration and resentment.


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## Maiasaura (Aug 12, 2002)

Quote:

How do I stop him from using me as a soother?
Sigh...you don't. No way that I know of, without tears and tantrums and crying and sadness and fits.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mbhf* 
I think seeing it as a genuine need makes it very easy to meet that need, where seeing it as the baby "using" you makes it very difficult and ends up with feelings of frustration and resentment.

This.
My ds did the same thing...for years. Probably till he was 2 or 3? No, maybe not that long. He is 9yo now so it's hard for me to remember exactly, but I remember being "caught" in bed for hours and hours. I had six pillows, and behind those were water in a bottle with a sports cap, a magazine, serious reading, brain-candy reading, tissues, and sometimes even Hershey kisses







I knew that I was in for the long haul. I knew that I had better empty my bladder beforehand.
When ds was an itty bitty, I remember saying to someone, something about I don't want him to use me as a pacifier. And that person said "it's your _job_ to be his pacifier" and you know what, I took that to heart. Somehow hearing that made it all OK. I realized she was right.
Yes, I lived in resentment sometimes, and yes, it drove me crazy lots of times, and yes, it hurt and I got sore shoulders and arms and got way uncomfortable, and many times yes I cried with frustration. But I lived through it, and my son is now, while still very attached, a strong and independent boy








Fortunately (for nursing, anyway) I have giant bazoombas, and I was able to nurse from either, while lying on the same side. Sometimes I was able to hold him close to me, latched on, and roll us both over to the other side so my other arm would get a turn to get numb









I hope you find something that works, mama







Hang in there!


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## noobmom (Jan 19, 2008)

I sympathize with you. DS did this until he started sleeping through the night (around 2.5 yo). He was always small for his age too, so I didn't want to discourage any nursing. Have you tried the "Pantley pull out" from the No Cry Sleep Solution book? It didn't work for me, but it might work for you.

I can say that a stiff pillow behind your back and another for your knees can help make you more comfortable in the meantime.


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## Anna GS (Mar 28, 2008)

This may not apply in your particular situation but I'll put it out there just in case. My son tends to seek out more comfort from my body when he is in discomfort from teething. Some of his more irritating clinging at night gets more tolerable when I'm treating the teething pain (usually with homeopathic remedies). I do try to supply him the comfort nursing when I can, but I have gotten to the point of desperation from time to time because he can be extremely aggressive and restless, switching from side to side over and over and over and over, and picking picking picking at my moles. Usually if I give him some camilia or the homeopathic teething gel his behavior evens out a lot. I'm not saying it eliminates all comfort nursing or anything, but it does help get it to a degree with which I am more able to cope.

Good luck! I know how exhausting it can be.


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