# 20 month old being aggressive, and hitting...how to stop?



## teale (Feb 20, 2009)

My DS is going through a phase (gosh, I hope it's just a phase) where he is acting out pretty aggressively. He's taken to hitting our dog, hitting me, and hitting others. I'm going insane over here for a variety of reasons.

I just don't know HOW to deal with it. I pull him away from the situation, I talk to him and tell him how it makes that person (or animal feel). Sometimes, he will get up and give said person a kiss or a hug. Other times, he runs back to the person, or animal and begins hitting again.

He's 20 months old, almost 21, so I don't think he's doing it purposely. He does it more often when he's bored, or when he wants attention, or when he's overtired. The problem is, I think he knows now that he can for sure get my or DH's attention when he acts like this, so he thinks it's a game.









DH has always rough housed with him, and played around, but I'm wondering if that behavior is causing DS to think it's okay to play hard like that? I mean, they aren't rough, rough, they just play around.

There was a day this week where I broke down crying- between the patience I've been having with his lack of sleeping, the stress of some business drama, as well as just dealing with life in general, I just broke. It was one of "those" days, and he was nursing, then smacked me (not the first time that day). I just started crying and said to my DH, "I am so patient, so loving, so attentive, and he smacks me." I know DS is not aware of how it's hurting us, but I'd like to get this behavior under control. It just breaks my heart...and I was abused as a child so when he hits me, it really strikes some deep wounds for me.









So any ideas? I'm a huge fan of GDing, and UPing but none of that seems to be hitting home with DS. We've been talking to him, and relating to him, so other then continuing with that and hoping something clicks eventually, I feel like there is nothing else to do. But there has to be something else I can try with him...right?


----------



## PatchChild (Sep 1, 2006)

We spend a lot of time talking about what you can hit, and what you can only tap. DS will sometimes be in a mood where he'll wander the house pointing at things now and saying tap the window, tap mommy, hit the door, hit the wall, tap the cat...


----------



## *MamaJen* (Apr 24, 2007)

You didn't kidnap my 19 month old by any chance, did you? My son is sweet as pie and happy and pretty well-behaved, but he is a hitter. He's actually getting a lot better about. I think consistent responses help, and I think learning more words and being able to express himself helps.
It sucks but I think it's pretty age appropriate, especially for boys. They're not really capable of much empathy yet, I don't think, at least not consistently. You do have a right to protect yourself from being hit, though. And you don't want him hitting other kids.
DS has two kids of hitting -- the haha, isn't this a terrific game kind, and the anger/frustration kind.
What helped for us was:
1. Being aware and stopping it before it happens. I can always see it coming. When he's play hitting, right before he does it he grins and makes eye contact. When he's angry, he also pauses with his arm raised for a second. I usually deflect the playful hits with a high five, push his arm away.

2. Right after, I correct him, especially if it was a playful hit. I don't make a big deal out of it because that just makes him repeat it. But I do say "no" and "gentle" -- he knows what that means. If he was angry or frustrated, the easiest thing is to cuddle or nurse him. If he gets in a roll where he hits over and over, and is told no or gentle over and over, and keeps on doing it -- well, I do occasionally use time outs.

3. I try to make sure we're not modeling hitting. We roughhouse with the dogs a lot, which I've cut back on while the baby is watching.

4. When we're around other kids, I just have to watch him really closely, especially if he's holding a wooden toy that doesn't need to be banged against another toddler's head. I can always tell pretty well in advance if he's getting into a hitting mood, so sometimes that's a cue to cut the playdate short.


----------

