# angry teen...scared mom



## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

DS is almost 14. He was diagnosed with depression in 2003, although he was very opposed to that diagnosis. He was on an antidepressant (he had a hard time with my divorce and his father's re-marriage) and was in counseling. Things got much better and he really wanted to come off the medication. So with the help of his counselor and pediatrician, we did take him off of it.

Generally, things have been good since then. There is the usual preteen problems and he's very stubborn and prone to disrespect if he is angry but I didnt think of it as a problem, really.

He's had a few really bad outbursts of anger in the past year. Put a hole in the wall once, etc. So today was a doozie and he scared the crap out of me....truthfully. I stopped DH from calling the police because frankly, Im afraid to get law involved, for fear of CPS swooping in and taking my children away for evaluations or taking DS and making things worse.

Anyway, he went to his father's house for the night. I did not feel safe with him here and I am really afraid he is a danger to himself. He didn't outright threaten me today but during his outburst he completely destroyed a door, and he told me that he was "this close" to hurting me but chose not to







:

I did not call his father to say, "I cant handle him, come get him". I called to get our heads together to make a decision about how to proceed with this. DS seemed to be reposnding well to his dad so we decided that might be a good short term solution: Let him go where he is loved and protected and cool down a bit.

He refuses, adamantly, to go to counseling or get any help at all. He point blank said that we would have to commit him to a hospital and they will have to sedate him and drag him to a therapist and even then he will not talk to one. His anger is frightening me, and I fear for him. I dont know what to do/where to turn.

He has a less-than-stellar history with his father and stepmother, and has lots of documentation of that. He has always had a safe, stable, loving and healthy home with me. But right now he seems to be acting as if I am an enemy and his father is the only person he trusts (he's been like this since spending a week with dad last month). We have been seperated since DS was 3, and I have been with current DH since DS was 4. There are no problems at all between them. No tension in our home. I think DS just really, really needs help.

But if he refuses to talk to anyone, what can I do?? He has not been violent enough for it to warrant any emergency inpatient care or anything like that. BUt I know in my gut this is a dangerous path we are on and I dont have any idea what to do next. His former counselor is no longer accessible to us and I dont know what to do. Like, a of tommorrow.....what do I do?? I'm frightened to have him home which is horrible and awful to say (and to FEEL!!) but his anger and depression are volatile.

??????? Any help??

Please, dont throw judgement at me. I am fragile right now.


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## jlutgendorf (Aug 15, 2006)

s

I don't really know what to say, but I wanted send you hugs and support.

Is there any way that you and your ex (and his step parents if the want) can go to counceling without him to at least learn how to work with him more effectively and what you should do if he has a major outburst again? It may not really help him, but maybe it will help settle you if you have a plan with how to communicate with him.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now, I hope it gets better soon!

~Julia


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Yes, that is actually a great idea. I mean, he needs help and I don't know what to do as of tommorrow, even, but that's something to put in the plan.

Thanks. This is so much harder than I imagined it could be. I just want my little boy back. My first baby, you know? I know he's in there somewhere and I just want him to know I love him and I want him to be safe.


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## Sage_SS (Jun 1, 2007)

I'm assuming that you've tried talking to him, but that didn't work.
Have you tried writing him a letter? Not saying anything negative in it, just telling him how much you love him and what your dreams for him are and why you love him. I found this a much easier way to communicate with my mom when I was younger, as she'd just start yelling at me, or crying if I tried to talk to her. And letters they can put down and read again later.. something they can bring with them to read anywhere...

I'm so sorry to hear of this.. this is my biggest fear as a parent. All my strength and thoughts are with you...


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
DS He point blank said that we would have to commit him to a hospital and they will have to sedate him and drag him to a therapist and even then he will not talk to one.

He told you what you need to do. He needs help, but he's scared to get it. I don't see where he's "not violent enough to warrent inpatient care" if you're scared of your own son!

If your DP had punched the wall and threatened to punch you, I would advise you to get an order of protection against him. A 14yo boy is almost as large as a grown man and can do as much damage if he gets violent. He already IS getting violent, and he needs help.

I suggest calling a medical professional in the morning to discuss your options. Since he doesn't currently have a therapist (who would be my first choice to call in this situation) I'd call the pediatrician or whoever you have as DS' primary care doctor. See what the dr recomends as the next step.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

You know, you sound like me describing my son (who is only 12) he has been Dx with bipolar depression which explains the anger spells.

I have almost had to hospitalize him twice, the last time was serious







I am going through the same thing (though we are going through a peaceful spell right now) I expect that when school starts the stress wil once again escalate (though I hope not)

All I can say to you is that I am a very natural minded mama who would never take any medicines other that herbs and homeopathy, but I have chosen to allow my son to be helped partially by the allopathic drugs that are sometimes necessary in a crisis. I know you mentioned that he is already on meds, perhaps he needs to have them tweaked, perhaps he could be helped by something natural such as GABA or 5htp... I would be careful though with antidepressants (even the natural compounds I just mentioned) because if for some reason your son is bipolar, the antidepressants will make his anger/aggression worse (it is a likely side effect)

Look into the bipolar angle, it is not the end of the world and so many young people go un or mis diagnosed and the treatments for unipolar depression makes them worse.

If you want to know more about my experiences and more about kids with bipolar, pm me.

I hope I have not offended you by that observation, I just want to throw that out there, moms see these things better than DRs

for the record, my ds will not talk to a therapist either. It is uber frustrating







:


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## Gendenwitha (Apr 2, 2002)

When I worked a crisis line (in WA state) we were told that if the CDMHP (county designated mental health professional) was going to make the evaluation to commit someone involuntarily it would necessarily involve the police. HOWEVER, since he is a minor, I suspect that wouldn't be necessary. Just my .01 of knowledge.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

s

Ruthla had some great advice. I'd like to add that next time he has an outburst, please do call the police - they can put you in touch with family services and from my experience, they have a huge support system that you can tap into.

I've been thru (and currently going thru) things like this with my 14yr ds. He was hospitalized once this past spring.

Hang in there, we're here for you.







s


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Wow. Just knowing others are going through this (or have gone through it) makes it easier to breathe.

Yes, I know he needs help. I don't want to be that parent that sticks her head in the sand in denial. But I just want to know that I'm doing the right things for him, and not "throwing him into the system" and making it worse, you know? I'm also concerned for my other 2 children (11 and almost 3)...on many levels: their safety, what they witness, the lessons they learn from this, and that it is handled gently and with love and peace.

My best friend is a mental health counselor for troubled kids in a specialized in-patient school. He talked briefly to DS and convinced DS to meet with and talk to him this week, just to discuss his options for help. So, that's a start, I guess. He'll at least be able to guide me with options, I think.

My ex-husband asked me NOT to call the pediatrician, as he also fears that getting a 3rd party involved will bring about a domino effect of legal actions that we dont want. I told him we need to reach a decision TODAY about how to proceed next. Otherwise, I have no choice. My child needs help. And waitiing is counterproductive.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
He told you what you need to do. He needs help, but he's scared to get it. I don't see where he's "not violent enough to warrent inpatient care" if you're scared of your own son!

totally agree. This situation is only going to get worse, not better, without intervention.

Your son has an untreated mental illness. With treatment, he could lead a normal life. Without it, he can't.

(My sister has an untreated mental illness -- it's heartbreaking to watch, but as I'm not her next of kin I cannot have her committed. She is a danger to herself and her kids, but her DH has his head firmly in the ground.)

You have more power to do something NOW than you will when he is older and married, or possibly even after he turns 18, or after he commits a crime and the courts decide where he belongs (which it sounds like is the path he is currently on).


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

I know! I have said all along he needs help! I'm asking HOW to go about that when he refuses to go talk to someone?? I've called Youth Services who said he has to be actively violent and what he did does not constitute "violent behavior that puts himself or others at risk". Which is exactly what I knew they would say (see 1st post). They told me to "bring him to therapy". Well no kidding. If I could do that, I wouldnt be CALLING YOU!!!

My ex husband (where DS spent the night) is pretty much in denial. "We'll figure it out" is his answer. I told him by the end of today we need to have an actionable plan to help my child. He's adamant that I not call the pediatrician or anyone else as an official third party....I told him I most certainly WILL call someone if afternoon comes and DS is still refusing to go to counseling. At this point, I'm very leary of my ex and his wife's motives and what they might be planning. At the same time, DS is better off there right now where he feels calmer for whatever reason. He's at work with my ex today so he's getting some very overdue father-son bonding.


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## HeidiAnn67 (Jun 12, 2007)

I'm not sure why you're so against calling others for help, why you're so convinced it will make things worse.

My oldest son had some mental health issues in his mid teens. We had to at different times; call the police, take him to the hospitals emergency mental health section, etc . Never once did that ever evolve into any problems with CPS. It never even crossed our minds that it would. I think the most important thing is to get over your fears of these things and get your son help. He may say he'll refuse to talk (mine did to), but once in that setting he'll probably open up, I know mine did.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

I'm not against calling for help...I'm very leary of involving the law. There are procedures here that must be followed if a crisis situation is called in (I'm an ER nurse) and CPS is part of that process. I don't trust them one bit. That's what I meant.

Ex's wife just called. Surprise, surprise. They want to take custody of him. And they are not really supportive of counseling/doctors/medication so now I have to FIGHT them to get him help.

Today is not a good day.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Oh Stinkerbelle,







s. I soooo understand, I really do.

My ex and his wife thought there was NOTHING wrong with my ds, that it was all me and bad parenting since he was always good over there for his visits. After we had enough and my ds had run away *again* his dad stepped in like a "hero" and said, "we'll take him now". We said fine, you go right ahead. Dh and I thought, if he ends up being okay, thats good, its all we've ever wanted but if (when) the "episodes" start, he'll understand. And sure enough, 4 months after the honeymoon period it all started up again but this time, it was worse than it ever was when he was here since ex and his wife are more of the mainstream kind and not of the gentle discipline kind.
(ds diagnosis is tourettes with all the associative disorders along with it. His psych is also thinking bipolar too)

Letting him go live with his dad may be good for right now for everyone. Gives everyone a cooling off period and time to regroup. Some things I do wish I wouldve done differently was that I wish I wouldve pushed for the psych appts for my ds after he moved out. I let ex handle it all since he was the custodial parent and honestly, I did wonder what I was doing wrong.









I know your ex doesnt want you to call the ped, but I honestly think you still should. You dont have to bring in your ds, you can go by yourself to discuss your concerns and ask for a psych consult. I dont think I would go to a therapist, I would go straight to a psych to hopefully get a dx and some treatment. And when he starts school in the fall (if he goes to public school) I would contact them and see what type of support systems they have in place as well. (my ds school was great!)

Cfs for us was quite helpful. We contacted them when ex was ready to kick him out and we didnt want him back (not to scare you, but ds did start to hurt my other kids) and they gave us (well, my ex) respite care once a week to help give ex and smom a break, which really did help. I hope you can utilize them.









Its a long road, and you'll have to fight for help along they way (it seems to be everyone likes to blame the _mom_ and _her_ divorce for all the the kids problems, trust me, I guess its easier for them or something). But out of every 3 idiots you talk to, you'll find 1 angel from heaven who'll hear what you are saying and give you help. And look online for a support group or maybe your own dr can steer you in that direction. Cfs has lots of support groups too - my dh and I went to one and it was amazing! The 2 cfs workers who put it on were just lovely and taught gentle discipline too! It was great.
I do understand your journey, I'm here to listen, to share, anything you need. Hopefully my experience (so far) can help you.









Hang in there,


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

god, thank you for that post. I need a friend like you.

I finally reached a psych/counseling place that made an appointment but it was really quirky and they wont see him until they meet with ME first the first "time or two". which is largely unhelpful, if we are talking about a time sensitive thing.
They also wont see him at all without his records of previous psychology appointments which is unobtainable to me right now. Ive been trying to reach his former therapist for days to no avail.

i think you are right, I'm going to call the pediatrician. My kids have been with the same group since birth so they know my family fairly well and I trust that my child's best interests would be their priority.

I am not opposed to DS going to live with dad if that is what is best for him. I am opposed to making any big decisions about a major change in environment until we get an actionable plan for him in place. STEP ONE is to get him evaluated and all get on board with helping him. And there is a lengthy history of problems over there (a court even removed DS's visits at his father's house for a year only a few years ago)....it really is not a healthy environment. But I'm willing to discuss anything. I just want to circle the wagons and help him.

thanks so much, again, to everyone who responded. I feel like I'm already alone and being pecked to death by the hens.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Yup, being pecked to death by hens, thats a perfect way of putting it.

I'm glad to hear you're going to call the ped. It does help to have all the parties "involved" together. The ped can talk to the psych, etc. After years of having everyone all over the place, we are only dealing with one building, and 2 depts. Very nice, indeed. One is the family therapist (which I highly recommend) and the other is the tourettes clinic which has psychiatrists; psychologists; and each patient and their family has one contact person. So, I dont have to talk to every single dr involved in my ds care (since theres a team of them) I only talk to my contact, whos also trained in therapy so its nice to be able to not only get the info but talk about it as well.

Its not surprising to hear that the psych wants to talk to you first - he/she will need a whole bunch of history first (right back to before you're pregnancy). I have to admit, you may have some time if you let your ds stay at with the ex for just the time being. He will surely be on his best behaviour for a couple of months while you gather everything you need and get things together. It doesnt have to be forever, maybe just 2-3 months?

Your ex will eventually get on board with you - but I'm sad to say, I dont think thats going to happen until he sees the problems firsthand. Which can be okay - this honeymoon period will work to your advantage in a sense that you dont have to worry about the "outbursts" while you're trying to deal with all these drs, psychs, etc. By the time you start to have everything in place, the honeymoon will be over, ex will see whats going on and then the work begins. (yeah, like it hasnt already, right?)

In the meantime, I'll find some sites with info on things my ds has and maybe it can help point you in a direction. Your story sounds quite similar to mine.









I'm here.







s


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

thank you again. all the tears Ive been holding back are like a tsunami behind my eyes. When they hand you that tiny bundle of soft skin and warmth, they dont tell you this might happen. Gawd.

I'm not opposed to him being with his father. It might be a good thing for him to cool off there. But their way of life is tough and they have their own agenda, which does not involve "helping" him as much as "providing a consequence" to his "actions". They are not on board with things like psychological evaluations and such. That scares me. I feel this child is a threat to himself and I'm terrified to lose him because they were not willing to go along with treatment or even diagnosis.

Im keeping the appointment this Thursday because I have nothing else. Im waiting on the doc's office to open from lunch so I can wiggle myself in there and get their help/direction.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Heres some info:

(My ds has tourettes along with (almost) all its assosiative disorders.)

http://www.tourette.ca/whatists_symptoms.php

http://www.tourette.ca/whatists_asso...behaviours.php

And he's also been dx with Opposition Defiant Disorder in the past as well:
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/o...fiant-disorder

It seems they all kinda go hand in hand. Not to say your ds has any of them, I just wanted to put the info out there for you to explore.

Its like, I *know* theres something wrong with my ds, but I dont know *what*. Maybe these sites can steer you into a direction that can help.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
thank you again. all the tears Ive been holding back are like a tsunami behind my eyes. When they hand you that tiny bundle of soft skin and warmth, they dont tell you this might happen. Gawd.

I'm not opposed to him being with his father. It might be a good thing for him to cool off there. But their way of life is tough and they have their own agenda, which does not involve "helping" him as much as "providing a consequence" to his "actions". They are not on board with things like psychological evaluations and such. That scares me. I feel this child is a threat to himself and I'm terrified to lose him because they were not willing to go along with treatment or even diagnosis.

Im keeping the appointment this Thursday because I have nothing else. Im waiting on the doc's office to open from lunch so I can wiggle myself in there and get their help/direction.

I keep replying, I hope I'm not bombarding you.

Your ex doesnt have to be on board right now. He will be, I'm positive of it. And I really dont think you have to worry about your ds at all right now - he will be on his bestest, ever behaviour with your ex so there wont be any punishment of sorts to have him fly off the handle. I would also bet that ds could misbehave and would likely take any punishment with a smile. Its the honeymoon period, he's with someone who thinks he's perfect, he'll keep it up for now.
You wont lose him. He's wandered away but still in perfect sight. You're doing all the right things. Its an uphill journey, true, but not impossible.

Oh, and cry as much as you need to! Its emotionally exhausting and you deserve a release. I wish you all the best.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

your insight is amazing. Thank you so much. I saved those links to weed through with DH tonight.

I spoke to the nurse at the ped's office who is running it all by the doc and will cal me later with how best to proceed. I was honest with her about the events as well as my fears and gut feelings and the red flags.

This is awful. My body and mind cant seem to get in sync...Im so sick. But I feel better DOING something. So thanks again for reminding me that I *am* doing something. He will be fine there for a while. I am thinking about how to draw up something in writing for now, as they had her oldest daughter (they do not have custody of) for a vacation and confided in me that they had a plan to keep her there long enough to go to court and claim abandonment so they could take custody back. It did not work but I KNOW they will do that with DS, too. So maybe I will write up a quick little agreement that states DS is staying with them for "up to" specified time for summer vacation and make my ex sign it. Just to cover my bases.

Just thinking "out loud". Ugh.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

I'm glad I can be of help.

I agree writing up a little something is a good idea. At the very least, it will be one less thing on your mind right now.

Keep thinking out loud. Remember, its a journey.









I'm always here. Ask me anything you want.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
I know! I have said all along he needs help! I'm asking HOW to go about that when he refuses to go talk to someone??

I'm sorry that my post wasn't clear -- I believe that you should move toward having your son committed against his will if that is the only way to get him help. I believe that you should do it while you can because -- while I know that it is beyond heartbreaking to need to do this for someone you love -- knowing that it needs to be done and not having the power to do so is worse. You will eventually loose the power to take this action.

I'm glad that you have an appointment and that you are moving toward taking action.


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

Was your ex violent with you or does he have anger problems? I ask because my ex was and he modeled that bad behavior for my dd. I did call the police, and think it is a start, it does send the message that it is intolerable to engage in domestic violence.


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## slvsquared (May 3, 2007)

I don't know what state you're in. I worked for several years at a teen psychiatric center in MD, and got calls from parents in your situation every day. Your options will depend on state age of consent, etc. , but calling the pediatrician is definately a good first step. You are not alone - millions of families struggle with similar issues every day.

Have you considered that it might not be merely depression? Depression doesn't often carry anger outbursts with it. Oppositional defiant disorder and bipolar disorder do, however. If you can get him to consent to an evaluation, either with your pediatrician or a counselor - please do so.

I just wanted to jump in and say that IF your child is out of control, and IF you feel that you or another family is in danger, you can call the EMT's or police. Explain to them that you have an individual who is in need of a psychiatric evaluation, because of ....[behavior that led you to call] They should help you get him to an ER, where he can be evaluated for further treatment, outpatient counseling, inpatient hospitalization, what have you.

I would like to note that I am not judging, or saying that your child NEEDS this type of treatment. I just want you to have the information, so that you can feel a little safer in your own home. It helps to have a plan, so that when the next outburst occurs you're prepared to deal with it.

Sandi


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

thank you, Sandi!

My best friend is a mental health counselor who works with troubled teens in an in patient program AND provides counseling at an alternative school. He came in to talk to DS (who admires his greatly) and said he absolutely does not believe he is suicidal or at risk to anyone including himself. He cited some reasons, gave some examples and some ideas for us.

We talked to ex husband who agrees. We all feel DS's relationship with dad is at the root of this and YES, I certainly have thought about the possibility of a complicated mental or emotional diagnosis.

So we have a short term plan:
We have an appointment Thursday for the grown ups (all 4 of us are going) with a psychologist to provide background and an overview of the current sitch. We plan to all go together and show DS that we are a united team, ready to help him. Then we will tell DS that if he feels he needs to spend more time with his dad, we all support that. But it is not a place to run away to and he can stay there for now with one condition: HE MUST stay in therapy and agree to any testing that we feel is necessary.

Then, once he has an established rapport with a therapist we can evaluate what sort of changes, if any, would be helpful for him. I am not ruling anything out...I only want to help him. But I dont feel now is the time to make major changes when we dont know what we are dealing with. I strongly feel that he needs some evaulation to rule out or diagnose any mental illness or emotional illness that needs treatment.

So, that's where we stand. He is coming home tomorrow (he asked to) with conditions and rules. Everyone needs to feel secure and he needs to know that he is safe and loved and protected but also cannot bully anyone into anything. An outburst will not be tolerated and will result in a police escort to the nearest ER.

I think this is the best course of action for now. One step at a time with everyone on board.

thank you all again for responding to me. I cant even describe how scary this all is. I just keep thinking that if love can just reach him....if love could just be enough....

ugh.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pranamama* 
Was your ex violent with you or does he have anger problems? I ask because my ex was and he modeled that bad behavior for my dd. I did call the police, and think it is a start, it does send the message that it is intolerable to engage in domestic violence.

sorry I missed this.

No, my ex was not even remotely violent. We were on different paths in life but we have always generally gotten along. The only violence I encountered was as a child and never since.

DS has had emotional issues but the violent outbursts are fairly recent and increasing in intensity. So far, he has not attempted to hurt a person but obviously that will happen if this is not addressed.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm glad to hear you're getting him help.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Stinkerbelle, your plan of action is awesome!









You're doing a great job! I'll be thinking of you.







Let us know how the appt goes.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

yes, keep us posted


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

thanks again, everyone. Really. I needed to know we CAN get through this and we are not all alone. It's hard because I dont feel I can tell anyone in my family, so no one really knows.

he called a little while ago and was his usual self and said, "I love you" which he always does when hanging up the phone. So I feel better hearing my baby in the voice again. I'll update as things happen.

THank you!!!


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## slvsquared (May 3, 2007)

Having a plan always helps...its great that you're taking the first step and developing one.

Best of luck!

Sandi


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

UPDATE:

He's home. He's very confused...says his father and stepmom have been telling him for a long time that I have tried to keep him from them (which is 100% false and actually the opposite of the truth, but I dont want to get into that with him) and he doesn't know who to believe and feels caught. We've never, ever badmouthed his father but if he feels there is an anymosity, I cant convince him otherwise.

Anyway, we did have a very good night. Good talks, watched a movie together, he hung out with my husband.

I think he needs one, really strong victory to help feel better about himself. It seems to me that he feels damaged and out of control, based on things he said.

We're trying to work through it. I feel like Im flying blind. Im looking forward to getting into therapy.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

I'm glad you had a good nite.







I cherish them when they happen with my ds. (which isnt that often)

Take what he's saying about his dad/smom with a huge grain of salt. This may be his way of trying to deflect the issues he has onto someone/something else. Its very common. I would also bet he's comparing himself to his dad right now. And if you and his dad dont get along, what does that mean for him and you? (this is what went thru my ds head at one time, its possible its going thru your ds as well)

Is he aware about going back into therapy? If he is, thats his major victory right there - going for help. Its a very hard thing to do.

Flying blind - no kidding. Wheres the pamphlet that tells you, "if your child has some issues, do the following, A: drink alot B:"

Hang in there.


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

It really sounds like bipolar disorder.
I have to say...I thought that people putting their kid on psych meds were mainly lazy ADHD over diagnosis etc). But I know I am so different. ABilify change my son's life and ours.
It does not make mood swing and anger dissapper completely, but it give my son that extra time gap to stop oubursts


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Thinking of you...
How did the appt go? (only if you want to answer







)


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

I just read your thread and it breaks my heart. I've never read this scenario from the parent's point of view. I was, you see, the angry hurt and confused teenager. It brings up a lot of stuff just thinking about your poor DS. Its obvious to me that you want whats best for him, but it may not be to him. Atleast, not when he's upset. I know that I felt my parents were against me, and they did not understand. I remember picking up the extention in my house and hearing my father talk to the psychiatrist on the phone about having me committed against my will (again) and feeling such betrayal.

I'm glad your DS is going to have someone outside the situation to talk to, and that he agreed to it. Maybe if he understands that they are on his side, he will be able to really feel the benefit of it. Its hard as a kid sometimes to realize that the whole world is not against you, especially when you are in the middle of what feels like such a crazy situation.

In regards to the whole inpatient care/cops thing... I just want to give my opinion and experience on this. DONT call the cops. You don't need the law in order to get your child into an inpatient care facility, because he is under 18. Bringing in the law means they are going to bring in CPS as you feared, and that is not going to help anyone. Plus it makes it very hard to see it as a loving reaction when cops are called, from the child's perspective, IMO. If you wanted him to go and could not physically make him, you should be able to call the facility and they will be able to help you get him there, or even come to your home.

I spent 2 months in a private inhouse care facility when I was a teenager, and while I did not have the violent tendencies of your DS, I was adamant about NOT going. However, it really helped me re-center myself, to be completely removed from the external factors for awhile so that I could focus on myself and what I COULD change, and not on everyone else (like the problems with your ex and his wife etc). Its hard to see where what you can control stops and where other's influence starts, when you're living in it every day.

I hope things work out for you and your DS, and that he can see through the haze of his anger and confusion enough to know that you are on his side and just want him well. Sometimes thats the hardest step.


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## Susie1 (Mar 3, 2007)

Stinkerbell,

I am sorry for how difficult this must be. I wish you and your son wellness and peace. I do have a couple of questions.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stinkerbell* 
My ex-husband asked me NOT to call the pediatrician, as he also fears that getting a 3rd party involved will bring about a domino effect of legal actions that we dont want.

Why is ex-husband scared that legal action would take place?

I know that pediatrician is a mandated reporter should s/he suspect abuse/neglect. But it does not sound like this is the case.

My own reason for hesitation to inform a pediatrician would be a general mistrust of the pharmacuetical world and future ability to obtain insurance. (Seen Michael Moore's movie yet?) I, too, would not call the cops on my own child. Do not want to start that kind of involvement. I understand your concerns about not wanting legal attention -- but just wondering if ex's fear means he wants to cover something up. Sorry to put that out there if it is way off mark.

What seems to set your son off? Is it related to school, your rules/some kind of power struggle or does he just go off for no apparent reason? Sometimes parents are unaware of how profoundly power struggles effect teens.

Just some thoughts as I read through your post. I hope everything is better soon.


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## Theresa42 (Feb 5, 2007)

I have not yet had a teenager but I was one once. I haven't read all of the replies to this post because it sounds as if minutes count for you. The following are things I wish my parents would have though of.

*Give both of you time to cool off. Make your place safe. Let him have his honeymoon period with his dad but let him know that you love him and that he is always welcome to come home to be with you. It sounds as though he is safe at the moment, but rushing this is likely to put undesired space between the two of you.

*It doesn't sound to me like he is hoping that you will take him to therapy. He sounds like me when I was a teen. I was trying to get through to my mom by using extreme language. I wanted to shock her into actually hearing me.

* When I went to counseling with my parents, the counselors knew before I got there, all about our family history - from my parents point of view. I felt very bullied and misunderstood because they already knew what they wanted to tell me before they even listened to me. If my parents had let me go and talk to someone without their input at all, I would have felt good about using the therapy. You may want to offer this option to your son after things have cooled down a bit.

*Relieve some of his stress - adolescents is hard

*Read about the stress of being a boy

*Focus on the things that are affecting him instead of on internal factors
For example- the stresses you are going through in life (girls, grades, growing up but still being a boy..) can effect you this way; instead of, you are bi-polar or your medication needs tweaking.

*Concentrate on stress management and other skills that he needs to learn in order to keep from becoming depressed (don't do this as a cure. Make it normal fun. Just integrate it into normal life like when you taught him his alphabet)

*perhaps he needs a positive adventure where he can grow as a parson and mature into the adult he is struggling to become. When I went on a school trip out of the country, I came back with a better perspective of daily life stresses.

Hugs
Good Luck


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## Theresa42 (Feb 5, 2007)

I meant to say that I didn't think that your son wanted to be committed. I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted therapy. If he is feeling like I did, he is probably against having therapy with his parents involved. It can feel like everyone is trying to fix you so that you will be easier to live with. All I really wanted was someone to listen and help guide me while I tried to fix myself. I never got that by the way, instead I talked to my good friends. Being a girl I imagine this was more available than if I were a boy.

If I were your son's friend I would tell him that he is as normal as everyone else on this planet. He is not damaged. He will figure things out, and that he is lucky that his parents are trying to get him help that he may need, because some kids have to do it on their own and not all of us succeeded.


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## teacher/mom (Jul 25, 2007)

I read all of these comments well after the fact but I wanted to respond anyway. I have a 14 year old daughter who was progressively getting more and more angry and aggressive. Her father and I have been divorced since she was in grade school but we have a good relationship. He was the only one who could control her angry episodes for a while, until I got help. He didn't want to have her live with him, and I even got to the point where I considered it, but that wasn't an answer. I want to give you the benefit of what I have learned, although I won't tell you I'm through it yet. We're still struggling.
First, let me say, I found out if you have your child committed, they will not provide the kind of counseling or diagnosis you really want. It is done as an emergency thing and they tell you straight up if you ask, it's just to regain control over the behavior. They often send the kid back on new meds with a quick fix diagnosis like bipolar because they want to stick a label on it. But I have been warned by professionals I trust that it is not the answer. I did call the cops twice on my daughter, once because she was chasing me with a rock! She calmed down both times and the officers questioned us separately. When they felt sure she was no longer a threat, they simply left. I am telling you this because it did help to have her realize she had to control her temper or there would be real consequences. I also found a therapist who works in a school for problem kids and REALLY understands how to relate to angry kids. It took 6 different therapists to find her, but I thank God everyday I did. A good therapist makes all the difference, meds or not.
Next, and perhaps most importantly, do not discount the impact this is having on your other children. I found out after the fact that my other two kids were so stressed by the episodes and my inability to control them that they secretly began cutting themselves, their grades dropped, and one ended up with an eating disorder (which we have now corrected). You may think the other kids are ok. They won't tell you they are upset because they know you already have your hands full and they don't want to make it worse. When you are divorced, you have the added problem of feeling like you are going to be criticized by the other parent for somehow causing the problems. I don't think this kind of thing is caused by divorce because I have seen lots of kids with anger issues who have intact families. It may be depression, bipolar, ADD, or a myriad of other causes. It really doesn't matter in the end. What does matter is that you do two things. First, help your son to control his anger, channel it in a healthy way, etc. Second, pay attention to how everything is affecting your other kids.
As far as what you can do now, you got him to counseling. That is the number one thing. But if you do go with meds, which I did after fighting the idea for years, be careful. Risperdal, for example, is supposed to help control aggression, but it causes weight gain, and that is not a good idea for selfconscious teens. What you can realistically do is have him tested for things like ADD. This may sound surprising but it actually is a pretty common reason for frustration and anger. Kids feel so many negative emotions like frustration and low self esteem but don't know why. They can have trouble regulating their emotions and emotional responses, be impulsive, etc. It can be something like Tourettes,but my nephew has that (he's 26 now) and he had other signs like clearing his throat repeatedly. It can be blinking or twitching too. If you bring him to a neuroligist, you can find out for sure.
Finally, I want to suggest asking the school for a psychoeducational evaluation unless you can afford it yourself. Schools have to do this if you request it in writing. It's the law. They have a psychologist do tests to determine any underlying congnitive issues that might be contributing to his behaviors. It's better to rule things out than to jump from one possible cause to another as some professionals will do.
Another thing you can do is get your son into some kind of service activity, like helping coach little kids at a sport, or volunteering at a pet shelter. The old saying is true. The best way to help yourself is to help others. I put my daughter in a day camp as a CIT (counselor in training) and that has done a world of good for her. The other thing you can definitely do right now is to keep reassuring your son that you love him. Tell him how proud you are of him for the things he does right. This is a tough age for any kid, but for one who knows he is causing his family pain and has trouble controling himself, it is hell.
I hope this posting does something to help you. Remember, you are not alone. There are lots of us moms out there struggling through the same thing. You'd be surprised. I know I was.


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## Tishie (Aug 16, 2005)

Oh my gosh.







I'm so sorry!

I agree with some others here. I'd get some professional help for myself - to get advice on how to deal with him, and also to get some support for my own emotions at this difficult time!

Best of luck to you!


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *teacher/mom* 
I read all of these comments well after the fact but I wanted to respond anyway. I have a 14 year old daughter who was progressively getting more and more angry and aggressive. Her father and I have been divorced since she was in grade school but we have a good relationship. He was the only one who could control her angry episodes for a while, until I got help. He didn't want to have her live with him, and I even got to the point where I considered it, but that wasn't an answer. I want to give you the benefit of what I have learned, although I won't tell you I'm through it yet. We're still struggling.
First, let me say, I found out if you have your child committed, they will not provide the kind of counseling or diagnosis you really want. It is done as an emergency thing and they tell you straight up if you ask, it's just to regain control over the behavior. They often send the kid back on new meds with a quick fix diagnosis like bipolar because they want to stick a label on it. But I have been warned by professionals I trust that it is not the answer. I did call the cops twice on my daughter, once because she was chasing me with a rock! She calmed down both times and the officers questioned us separately. When they felt sure she was no longer a threat, they simply left. I am telling you this because it did help to have her realize she had to control her temper or there would be real consequences. I also found a therapist who works in a school for problem kids and REALLY understands how to relate to angry kids. It took 6 different therapists to find her, but I thank God everyday I did. A good therapist makes all the difference, meds or not.
Next, and perhaps most importantly, do not discount the impact this is having on your other children. I found out after the fact that my other two kids were so stressed by the episodes and my inability to control them that they secretly began cutting themselves, their grades dropped, and one ended up with an eating disorder (which we have now corrected). You may think the other kids are ok. They won't tell you they are upset because they know you already have your hands full and they don't want to make it worse. When you are divorced, you have the added problem of feeling like you are going to be criticized by the other parent for somehow causing the problems. I don't think this kind of thing is caused by divorce because I have seen lots of kids with anger issues who have intact families. It may be depression, bipolar, ADD, or a myriad of other causes. It really doesn't matter in the end. What does matter is that you do two things. First, help your son to control his anger, channel it in a healthy way, etc. Second, pay attention to how everything is affecting your other kids.
As far as what you can do now, you got him to counseling. That is the number one thing. But if you do go with meds, which I did after fighting the idea for years, be careful. Risperdal, for example, is supposed to help control aggression, but it causes weight gain, and that is not a good idea for selfconscious teens. What you can realistically do is have him tested for things like ADD. This may sound surprising but it actually is a pretty common reason for frustration and anger. Kids feel so many negative emotions like frustration and low self esteem but don't know why. They can have trouble regulating their emotions and emotional responses, be impulsive, etc. It can be something like Tourettes,but my nephew has that (he's 26 now) and he had other signs like clearing his throat repeatedly. It can be blinking or twitching too. If you bring him to a neuroligist, you can find out for sure.
Finally, I want to suggest asking the school for a psychoeducational evaluation unless you can afford it yourself. Schools have to do this if you request it in writing. It's the law. They have a psychologist do tests to determine any underlying congnitive issues that might be contributing to his behaviors. It's better to rule things out than to jump from one possible cause to another as some professionals will do.
Another thing you can do is get your son into some kind of service activity, like helping coach little kids at a sport, or volunteering at a pet shelter. The old saying is true. The best way to help yourself is to help others. I put my daughter in a day camp as a CIT (counselor in training) and that has done a world of good for her. The other thing you can definitely do right now is to keep reassuring your son that you love him. Tell him how proud you are of him for the things he does right. This is a tough age for any kid, but for one who knows he is causing his family pain and has trouble controling himself, it is hell.
I hope this posting does something to help you. Remember, you are not alone. There are lots of us moms out there struggling through the same thing. You'd be surprised. I know I was.

Thank you so much. It was very helpful to read this.

Mostly, it's been very very good. He is in counseling every other week. His father is very unsupportive in general but at least DS can come to see that on his own.

But there are still (twice since I first posted) episodes of just angry outbursts. And the worst part is that he is SO CALM. It's eerie as hell. Tonight he hurt his 11 year old brother, who is literally less than half his siz/weight. Physical violence is NOT tolerated in my home but this was an act of bullying, pure and simple. I was literally holding DS by the shirt and screeching like a banshee to prevent his from getting to my other DS.

He's Jeckyl and Hyde. I have no idea when its coming. I handle it well but then what? He does not accept consequences well but I cannot let him bully me down, either.

its all very frustrating. I have not yet met with his counselor so I dont know what his take is.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

I have been reading all these post and I can relate, only my kiddlet is 8. He is dx with PDD NOS, ODD and ADHD. I can totally relate to the big brother little brother fighting. DS at 8 is over 70 pounds and my 3 year old is 30 pounds. DS1 fights with him, physically, as if he was his equal. We have to constantly tell him that he is double his weight and then some. DS1 loves to pick on, annoy, just get a rise out of people and its very frustrating, like your son too he has his outburst of anger, just rage and then its gone. I hope your son finds the peace he needs, and the ability to control his rages. I hope that you find peace as well and get that little boy back that you remember.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers* 
I have been reading all these post and I can relate, only my kiddlet is 8. He is dx with PDD NOS, ODD and ADHD. I can totally relate to the big brother little brother fighting. DS at 8 is over 70 pounds and my 3 year old is 30 pounds. DS1 fights with him, physically, as if he was his equal. We have to constantly tell him that he is double his weight and then some. DS1 loves to pick on, annoy, just get a rise out of people and its very frustrating, like your son too he has his outburst of anger, just rage and then its gone. I hope your son finds the peace he needs, and the ability to control his rages. I hope that you find peace as well and get that little boy back that you remember.

and same to you, mama. On the whole, things are good. he's a good kid, he generally makes good decisions, his friends are nice kids from solid homes...he's just going through a very tough phase with a very bad attitude.

Knpwing all these mamas are here with the same issues helps SO much, though!


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

We all, even us grown ups, have something we need to work on. We can in general be fabulous people but we all have that one thing that needs tweeking, this might be his one thing


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