# How do you not give in to the sadness?



## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

It's just too much. I feel so sad and hurt and angry. How do you stop yourself from wallowing in it? I can't, there's just too many people depending on me and too much to do. In a way, it was easier last time, because my husband took the 4 kids away for 3 days after the D&E. This time, it's just "life goes on." I wish life could just stop for a little.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I wish I could give you a real one.

For me, I just gave into the sadness. I let myself 'loose it' for a bit and then things got better and I had less crazy daily anxiety attacks and bad thoughts about not wanting to be alive. I allowed myself to believe in things others thought were crazy...that Amelia would/will come back in my next baby, that my next pregnancy will be fine, that it wasn't meant to be for a reason that only god knows.

It will pass. I promise.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I don't know. I've been wallowing for awhile. Or having a multitude of good days interspersed with some wallowing days.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

And you know, it sucks, because the day started out OK. I had my husband take the older kids to co-op. Daniel and I went out for pancakes and he was so sweet. I took my five-year-old to see Where the Wild Things Are. Physically, I felt OK.

And then I realized I ached. Everytime I eat, it goes right through me. I'm guessing it was the antibiotic they put in the IV? I spent yesterday morning cleaning two rooms downstairs even though I felt like crap, and they managed to trash it before they left for co-op today. I feel like I have to yell and scream and play the miscarriage card to get any help at all and it really makes me angry. I didn't ask for this. Why can't they even try to be understanding?


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## notjustmamie (Mar 7, 2007)

I don't know if sharing this will be helpful or not, but I found that most people were somewhat less sympathetic with my second m/c than my first. It was almost like, "well, you know how to do this now, you've been through it before, surely you don't need me as much."

Of course, as you know, that's ridiculous.

Sorry you're not getting the time and space to grieve the way you need to. I wish I could tell you to send your kiddos over here for the day, but I can't afford the plane fare.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Thanks. That's exactly how it seems. And it's probably not even that bad. Everything just seems awful right now. I feel... I don't know. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I wish I could just take a good long sleep and wake up to it all either being OK or not have happened at all. I'm feeling really really angry, which I hate. I'm not gettting what I need. Asking doesn't help. Screaming doesn't help. Nothing helps.


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## Phantaja (Oct 10, 2006)

There's good days and there's bad days. We weren't terribly far apart with our losses, so I'm sure that right now there's more bad ones that good ones.

On the good days, I decided to forgive myself and my body for not protecting my baby and keeping him safe. Then on the bad days I'm able to remind myself of that promise.

It's hard, I know. I'm buoying myself with prayer (along with other things that aren't cool to post about or admit to) but really, it's the prayer that's helping most.

I know that the sadness will lessen, someday.

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

All I can tell you is I tried to cover up my grief and it didn't work. The first few days I tried to stay in bed, but dh kept saying I needed to get up because the kids didn't know I was here. Then my mil got sick, so I had to get up. But I was like a zombie, I know it. I cried at night and during the day. In the shower. Eventually I tried to bury it. But when the first af came on, it was devestating. The second wasn't so bad, but this third one is hard again. And it's just harder as my dd approaches. I have good days and bad days. I've learned you can't try to forget or bury your grief, it will just come back. Wether it's 1 month, or 1 year or even 5 yrs later. I'm still dealing with it.
Try to rest. Forget about cleaning up. Your body needs to recover. Take some probiotics since they gave you abx.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Thanks. Typing here really helps. I just feel like I'm being such a freaking baby. I hurt. I mean, physically I hurt. It's just too much. I'm not strong enough to deal with.

I feel bad even asking you all to indulge me. I know you're suffering your own losses, some even more heartbreaking than mine. I'm sorry.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *notjustmamie* 







I don't know if sharing this will be helpful or not, but I found that most people were somewhat less sympathetic with my second m/c than my first. It was almost like, "well, you know how to do this now, you've been through it before, surely you don't need me as much."

Of course, as you know, that's ridiculous.

This was TOTALLY the case with me. With the first, it was "Oh, wow, that's horrible." With the second it was "Buck up. You got pregnant quickly, you'll do it again." Nobody in my family really acknowledged my second loss that much. I got one card - from my pastor. That's it. No, wait, I got one from a friend as well. But not family. And the women in my family have been through losses. . .

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
Thanks. That's exactly how it seems. And it's probably not even that bad. Everything just seems awful right now. I feel... I don't know. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I wish I could just take a good long sleep and wake up to it all either being OK or not have happened at all. I'm feeling really really angry, which I hate. I'm not gettting what I need. Asking doesn't help. Screaming doesn't help. Nothing helps.

I'm sorry. I got less support after the 2nd m/c and I felt so much worse. Not physically, emotionally. I physically hurt because I was so emotionally hurt. And the anger really blew me away. I was so much more angry after the 2nd.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
I feel bad even asking you all to indulge me. I know you're suffering your own losses, some even more heartbreaking than mine. I'm sorry.

Be fair to yourself. Because other people have been through something worse doesn't mean that your pain is any less the pain it is, you know? My tooth hurts and I reserve the right to whinge about it despite the fact that someone probably lost all of their teeth in an accident today. Their suffering (which is huge) doesn't lessen mine (which, for me, having not lost all of my teeth in an accident, is also huge).


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

It's OK to be sad. Sometimes I find that I just need to be sad for a little while, and then I'll feel better afterward. It's better now than it was in the beginning, but there are still bad days (or bad weeks), but it's all OK, and all normal. I wish there was some way to help us all feel better, but sometimes grief is something you just have to work through. It's really hard, and I'm sorry that not everyone appreciates the amount of sadness you have in your heart for your lost little ones. I hope you're able to find some peace in the next few days. Be gentle on yourself. Thinking of you.


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## purplelilacs (Aug 14, 2004)

For me, if I have time to wallow in grief, I will. So I take on a creative project (crafts, sewing, etc.) or researching/planning something (a birthday party for my daughter, holiday party, whatever.)

It gets my mind off it without being physically exhausting. I immerse myself in this during my free time for as long as I can, and then when I emerge out of it, time has passed and things don't seem as bad.

I hope you find something that works for you.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I just wallowed. I explained my need to be alone and cry---and cry I did, copious amounts. I just told the chidlren that mummy was sad becasue the baby died and they understood, strangely enough. I think they are more in tune than adults. I think setting up a candle memorial helped and thats when I processes a lot of my grief and tired to let go. Releaseing the anger was the most difficult part. May you find peace eventually and a way that works for you. I found writing how pissed I was really helped. I am so sorry for your loss


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## Katica (Jan 13, 2008)

I`m so sorry for your losses.








I found that talking about my loss and not trying to hide anything had helped a lot. If someone asked me how I was doing I`d honestly tell about the guilt, sadness and anger. I didn`t care if they really wanted to know or not. I just wanted to get it out. I did pull myself together for DS though. I tried to focus on him as much as possible. He had suffered enough I figured he didn`t need any more.

And just like Phantaja, prayer helped me through the worst. It was the exact same Bible verse that spoke to me the most. I had it taped to my bathroom wall.

And this is crazy but I chose to read a book that told the story of a missionary lady who`d lost 5 children while in China. Reading about her losses somehow eased my own pain


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Really there is no way to 'get over' the sadness other then to reinvest in your life and your family as you are able. I think the sadness will live on always, in one form or another.

For me, the only place where I could truly not be sad was at the gym. And I am not an athelete. I think the physical exertion overwhelmed my ability to feel anything beyond the physical pain of exercise.

I also took some supplements that were recommended by a midwife as a way to counteract PPD. I think our hormones get so messed up after loss, especially multiple loss so our grief is compounded by body weirdness.








I just hate that any of us have to be here, have to know how this feels. My heart aches for you.


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## mamatowill (Aug 23, 2004)

I felt the same way especially after my second loss. I found people, from the medical community to family, felt that I had been through it before so I did not need the same support the second time around. Also my DH really didn't understand- he chastised me for being upset more than a couple of days later.

I gave myself time but I also had to look after my DS1 (DH was overseas at the time) helped. I came here to get validity of my feelings and that it was ok to feel like I did. Be gentle on yourself and try to find time for yourself to grieve. Don't feel bad about pulling the miscarriage card- I wonder if people would someone who had back, knee or whatever other kind of surgery to resume their normal lives ASAP.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I'm sorry for your losses, mama.
I think what helped me cope is to realize that grieving isn't something you have to get over to go on living but as essential a part of life as joy. You must grieve and it's hard work.
Of course you have to care for your kids and do the basics to keep your lives running, but grieving has to be a priority, too. It's reasonable for you to talk seriously with your DH and children about your needs right now. Is your husband trying to bury his own grief?
I'm not normally someone who takes medications, but I did find that a short-term prescription for Ativan helped me a lot after my daughter was stillborn. Getting enough sleep helped me cope with the grief.


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

The only thing that's BARELY getting me through is that I have an oddly supportive husband and a church where a lot of the women have gone through the same thing. I haven't actually been able to talk to any of them yet though... for some reason, it's easier on here.

A week ago, when it happened, I was actually MORE ok with it. Now that it's a week later, I'm angry... and I have such a fear in me! Everyone keeps saying that God's in control and I've been a Christian since I was little... I know He's in control... but still... it doesn't help me with the sadness. I was also told that it's ok to cry and grieve. I guess I'm going to be crying and grieving for the rest of my life!


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
Thanks. Typing here really helps. I just feel like I'm being such a freaking baby. I hurt. I mean, physically I hurt. It's just too much. I'm not strong enough to deal with.

I feel bad even asking you all to indulge me. I know you're suffering your own losses, some even more heartbreaking than mine. I'm sorry.

Oh sweetie.... go back to bed!!







Seriously. If you stay in bed and tell DH "I hurt, I can't do it"... what other choice will he have? You being out of bed and going on as if gives everyone the message you're okay. You're pushing yourself... and physically and emotionally, you're obviously not ready to be up and running around. It's okay to hurt and it's okay to feel sad and it's not just okay, it's normal and expected and I'd worry more if you didn't, after 2 D&E's in three months...

I wish I could give you a great big real







, and put you to bed myself...


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I feel like an idiot. I completely forgot about the whole hormone dump thing.







That's probably what's happening, right? Oh, this sucks from every angle.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *annettemarie* 
I feel like an idiot. I completely forgot about the whole hormone dump thing.







That's probably what's happening, right? Oh, this sucks from every angle.

It all sucks.









I just had my 3rd mc on Wed and dh has worked every afternoon and night since then - including while I was mcing. All I desperately want is to be by myself and curl up in bed, but he is not here. I feel sad and scared and exhausted and guilty (for not being happy when I first got the BFP for this pg - it was unplanned and I was freaking out) and I have a terrible headache. I don't know that I'm feeling exactly the same way that you are, but I do get it.

As long as your dh is actually there then I agree with the pp who said just get yourself back in bed. Say "I need to go to bed. I hurting and I'm exhausted". He'll have to choice but to step up.

And I get what you mean that after multiple losses people stop being as sympathetic. Like you've gotten used to it or something.

Anyway, wishing you peace and healing mama.... from one hurting mama to another.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

I just finished reading this book and in it a person was talking about grief and how there are 2 ways to deal with it.
1-you can fully embrace life, love your family and friends, because you know how short life is
2-you can get wrapped up in your grief and not let anyone in, and in the long run hurt yourself because you never delt with it, and hurt others in the process

I get it. I read the word and it made sense. But some days I just can't find a way to do number 1. I don't know if there's a timeline for grief with the loss of a child. It's getting harder for me, not easier.

My hormones didn't get straightened out until my first cycle, and that took forever.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Thanks, all. I keep saying to my husband "It's all just too much." I know that's not reality. Reality is, people have survived much more difficult ordeals than this. But it's difficult. And I'm so, so blessed. I have so much to be thankful for.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Oh my heart aches for you. I am so sorry.


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## 2sweetboysmom (Aug 1, 2006)

I have asked that same question. My mom gave me some very good (for me at least) advice. And in a way it gave me permission to give in to the grief.

You NEED to grieve, ...just like you need to eat, sleep, poop. You also need to keep your family going, ie. being a wife and mom, laundry, dishes, cooking, school, etc So make the time to grieve, schedule it in.
"Today while I have 10 minutes to my self from 5:15-5:25 I will totally fall apart. I will cry for the babies I will never know this side of heaven. I will ask God again WHY? I will cry and pray and tell God I can't do this, it is too much. I will mourn the fact that I should be holding a newborn. And then I will take a deep breath and pull myself together and do the next thing that needs doing."
Knowing there is a time/place set aside for me to grieve really helps me to get through the rest of my day and be "all there" for my family.

Also I made a CD of songs related to loss, and clinging to faith at the same time. I will PM you a list if you would like. Listening/singing along really re-focuses me and lets me grieve at the same time.
Many, many hugs


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