# Hair question... am I just nitpicking?



## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

How often do you brush your child's hair and how do they wear it?

Just curious because I know I'm a bit anal about it, but my children both brush their hair in the morning and again at night to get the knots out (helps with the bed head). I also have them brush their hair before we go out of the house, like out to dinner or over to our friends' houses. My son has medium length hair- he wears it down. My stepdaughter has hair halfway down her back. At her Mother's house, she always wears her hair down, even when it's 100 degrees out and I have reason to believe that there are some mornings when she just does not brush her hair at all when she's there. When she's here, she usually asks for me to put it up- pony tail, two pony tails, braid, two braids, half pony tail, half braid, french braids, etc. She loves it because it's something her Mother absolutely will not do for her unless she begs and begs. I enjoy doing it. I don't "make" her put her hair up, per say, but we do have two rules (which would apply to our son as well, if his hair was longer)- if it was really hot out, one way or another, the hair needs to be up and off the neck and the hair can not be hanging in the eyes. Again, I'm sure I'm pretty anal about it, but I do like my kids to look and feel well-kept. Anyways, as a preschool teacher, I've noticed how many little girls (and a few boys, too), who come in for days on end and you can tell that their hair has not been brushed in days or even the same hairdo, for example, two ponytails, and you can tell that it hasn't been touched because they're crooked the same way they've been for the last three days. I have one little girl in my class who's hair has had the same mess of knots in it since the first day of school last Tuesday. It was her birthday today and we were having a birthday party for her so, when she woke up early from nap, I did my best to fix her hair up for her, because we'd be taking pictures. She didn't complain, she seemed to enjoy the extrat attantion, so I don't think it's a case of "well she won't let me brush her hair". Do people really not have time to brush their child's hair every day? I understand I'm the extreme- I even brush my dog once a day, but is there any reason why a child, any child, would not hair their hair brushed or even have something done with that hair- a pony tail, a barrette, or whatever, to keep it out of their eyes?


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I keep the boys' hair short enough that maintenance other than washing is unneeded.

With dd, I end up combing or brushing her (really long) hair roughly every other day. She really doesn't like to have it touched other than for me to put it up, but if she won't let me put it up, I comb/brush it before we go out.

When we had a dog, I only ever brushed him when the shedding got bad.


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

I may be a little anal too, but I think good grooming is important. My childrens' hair was brushed at least daily, more if we were going out or if I thought it needed it. I also can't stand to see hair hanging in the face or a young children always brushing it out of their face and it getting sticky. It's just as easy to sweep it into a ponytail and look nice and keep cleaner.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

DD has shorter hair now, but still gets awful bed head. SO I nag her to brush her hair whenever I see the section in back looking ratty. So she/we end up brushing her hair thoroughly at least once a day. Usually she brushes more because she is really into putting clips and head bands on before we go out.

AS for the hair in the eyes...I so hate hearing comments from people about it. DD has an all one length cut, all chin length. No bangs. Usually her hair will push back and stay there but not when she plays with it. Like I said above she loves to wear clips and head bands but not all the time. When she's not wearing them she is fine. She is not blind or annoyed with her hair.


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## wurzelkind (Oct 8, 2005)

DD a lot of fine but very full hair, beautifuly curled/waved and blond so people always comment on her









From when she was little (like 10 months old) I brushed her hair every morning after I dressed her and we still have it that way. Now it's so long that she wears it in a ponytail, fixed with two hairclips as she *hates* having hair falling into her face. She usually complains a bit about all the knots but knows that it will be worse next time if we don't comb the knots out now. She also knows that some knots are only there because the often accidently brushes some food in her hair when sweeping away strands of hair.

So, yes, hair get's combed daily at least once if not twice and washing it once a week is obligatory as well







:


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## Mothra (Jun 4, 2002)

My daughter screams like her hair is being brushed with barbed wire most of the time. Her hair does NOT get brushed every day. I wash it at night and brush it after the bath, but it is not a guarantee that her hair will be brushed before preschool. It's just past her shoulders, so a bit long. Some little girls cannot stand the sensation of having their hair pulled back. My daughter can't. My cousin never could, either. She still can't stand for her hair to be pulled back in any way.

Also, just because a child let you brush her hair does not mean she lets her parents. Vivian lets her preschool teachers do all kinds of stuff she would fight us to the death about. It might be a different story if you were trying to do that every morning while getting yourself and all your kids ready to leave for the day. Sometimes it's just not worth the struggle around here.

My oldest son does not brush his hair every day, and I don't think it's that big of a deal. I don't consider it to be a hygeine issue.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

I think you are correct about being on the anal side of this one







, but if your kids hair is long, then yes I think the parent (or child if old enough) should brush/comb it at least once a day. And I do understand the sensitive scalp thing, because I have one myself (though not as bad as some of the examples here), but once a day, even with a sensitive scalp, is needed for most once hair gets to a certain length.


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## momovthree (Feb 22, 2006)

We usually brush in the AM and then at night after their bath. I have to brush my younger DD's hair because it's thick and she just can't get the knots out herself. My older DD has been making me a bit crazy with her hair lately. She wants to do it herself which is okay but the hairstyles she comes down with, are ummm, interesting.

My son's hair is pretty long and he loves when I brush it. Although it still seems to look like a mop afterwards. lol


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## Clarinet (Nov 3, 2005)

I think you are nitpicking towards others' kids somewhat but as long as your kids don't mind, I wouldn't call it nitpcking them.

My daughter will huff and puff and moan and groan when it comes to getting her hair brushed but she will do it. It's not something I would get into a serious fight over, though. I do wet it a bit in the mornings to get the "crazy bed head" out. However, I'm all thumbs when it comes to ponytails and she hates them because I have to redo them a couple times. Forget fancy braiding and twisting. Also, I haven't found barrettes that hold well in her fine, straight hair. So, her hair is usually down and she recently cut it a teensy bit too short on the sides for bangs but she didn't want bangs so sometimes it hangs in her face. It's her hair. I like it clean and that's as much as I'm willing to impose.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

My dd gets her hair combed out maybe twice a week. It is very curly, long, and fine. It takes about 30 minutes to comb it out, even if I do it daily. And while she does not complain, I know it hurts. So, no, I do not have the time to do it daily. I am happy. She is happy. When it is hot or we are camping, I will put it in braids and leave them for as many days as they will stay. What is wrong with that? I can see speaking to a parent if a child has very messy hair and is miserable about it, but otherwise, why do you care? Who knows what the story is? I also do not understand all of your "rules". If it is hot out and your dsd wants to wear her hair down, why do you care? I do not think I would ever make rules about someone else's hair. No one bothers to comment on my dd's hair because they are way too busy commenting on whatever crazy outfit she picked out that day...... And since it is so curly, it looks like a tangled mop two seconds after it is combed out anyway. I often wonder why I bother to comb it at all. I would cut it shorter if it were my hair, but that is not what dd wants and it is her hair.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I have my hair cut fairly short because honestly *I* don't particularly like to brush my hair. Also, my hair is naturally wild; it sort of sticks out on its own, and in clips, it still found ways to escape.

I'd much rather read for an extra five minutes than tame my hair... and always have.







I think cleanliness is very important and grooming is reasonably important, but I also don't think the state of one's hair relates in any way to the state of one's soul, or the amount of care in one's life. It's just a prioritization issue.

With my son, I think being clean and reasonably presentable is important but that's as far as I'll go. He has my wild hair and massive cowlicks and it's going to stick out sometimes unless we put tons of product in it, which I am not a fan of at his age.

If I had a daughter I'd encourage her to have a shorter manageable cut until she was ready to take it on herself, although if it were important to her, of course I'd prioritize that.


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## GranoLLLy-girl (Mar 1, 2005)

Oh dear--then I must be REALLY bad because I actually curl my dd's hair with a curling iron after I've done mine--she asks to have hers done and she loves it. I've been asked by others about her hair before (because it's always 'done')--in other words, do you curl her hair? Or do you blow it dry? Is that too weird? I don't put make up on her, but she would love that, too--but I tell her no (I wear makeup every day--not a lot, but enough so that I can look somewhat presentable). She has short hair and it takes me literally two minutes to curl it.


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## Qestia (Sep 26, 2005)

I'm feeling sheepish because, yes, I feel brushing your child's hair is something that should happen daily, but if you saw DS you'd think we never did it, it looks like a bird's nest two seconds after I brush it in the morning, and it's pretty short, maybe an inch long all around.


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## emmasmommy (Feb 26, 2004)

I brush both girls' hair each morning. With dd1 it was a huge fight almost daily until she started Kindergarten a couple weeks ago. Now she wants to look nice for school, so she's OK with getting it brushed, even though she whines that it hurts while I'm doing it (I use a detangler spray and am as gentle as possible, but she has really thick straight hair that tangles like crazy). She doesn't always let me put it up, but I will if she asks. She really wants me to braid it, but it's not quite long enough yet (just past her shoulders). DD2 has sort of thick, curly hair. Her hair hasn't ever been cut yet - except for trimming her bangs, and when pulled straight it goes half way down her back (sits just below her shoulders when curly), but it still doesn't really work to put it up or anything since the sides are still short, so she has a bit of a toddler mullet going on. I want to get it cut so it's even, but I'm scared to cut it and lose the curls.


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## LisainCalifornia (May 29, 2002)

I could be wrong, but I think the reason this is bothering you so much is a manifestation of your anger towards stepdaugher's mom. Just make sure you don't grumble about it in from of your stepdaughter--kids of divorce have enough emotional baggage to deal with at the hands of adults as it is.

I do bush my girls hair each day, but I don't make them pull it up in the summer if they want it down. If they are hot, then the they can tell me and I will put it up for them--otherwise it is their hair and the natural consequence of having it down on a hot day is feeling a bit warmer.

Every parent has different methods of parenting--and plenty of great moms don't mind a little bed-head in their kids.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

two of mine are old enough to brush their own hair. even the little one I hardly ever brush. but I don't brush my hair either. just finger comb and either pull back or scrunch and go if it is wet. the baby has shortish hair with body, never gets tangles and if we are going somewhere we wash and scrunch. other wise she pops a head band in or just goes as is. it doesn't look bad IMO.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

I try to brush my dd's hair every day at least once and before we go somewhere for sure.

There are days where I brush and then dd goes and covers her head with a blanket or something which re-tangles her hair all over again. So sometimes it doesn't look like I brush it.

She hates having her hair brushed. She has a very sensitive head and very fine tangly hair. If she had her hair in pony tails or braids I might let it go just because I don't have the energy that day to force brushing and listen to her cry. Dd doesn't usually want me to put a ponytail, braids, headbands or clips in her hair.

I let my dd decide if she wants her hair up or not even if it is hot.


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

<blush> I don't think I've ever brushed DD's hair!

She's 3 and has fine, very straight hair. I get it cut regularly and comb it out after washing it, and that's it.

It always looks nice, unless she's in dire need of a shampoo.

Thank goodness it just falls into place, one less thing for me to worry about!!!


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Some people don't brush their child's hair. I don't approve usually, though I do understand.

I have been letting my daughters brush their own because they cause such a fuss sometimes. I means I have to be okay with less than stellar hair on them, but at least they are getting better at it.

Some parents are also not very good at brushing hair, and so their children balk and make a fuss because it does hurt. Maybe you do a better job of making it not hurt.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

DS1 had long hair - down to his waist when he decided to cut it (age 12). When he was little, I brushed it once a day. When he got older, I told him he was welcome to keep the long hair (I liked it, anyway), but he had to brush it himself.

DD had long hair until March. She _hated_ having it brushed, and we finally managed to convince her to try a shorter cut. Now, she has a...guess it's called a bob?...all about chin length, although it's at her shoulders now, and she needs a new cut. These days, I probably brush it about every two days, unless we're going out somewhere (other than the grocery store - I really don't care if we're going shopping). She still doesn't like having it brushed. Mind you - she also gets mad if I try to tuck it back out of her eyes, although she'll occasionally want to wear a barrette...no ponytails, as her hair isn't long enough, anymore. Her hair is very rarely knotted, but it's also rarely particularly neat.

DS2 wears a very short boy's cut. I brush his hair when he brings me the brush as asks me to...but it doesn't need it.

All that said - hairstyles are totally unimportant to me. I'll probably never braid dd's hair or put it in a bun or anything, because I don't know how. I've had waist length hair my whole life (except for about a year in my teens, when I tried a shoulder-length cut - and hated it) and I only mastered putting it in a ponytail when I was about 25. I still can't braid it or put it up. I'm textile-challenged (have trouble folding things neatly, for example) and it extends to hair. I don't know what I'll do if dd starts wanting me to "do stuff" with her hair, because I'm just really, really bad at it.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
Some people don't brush their child's hair. I don't approve usually, though I do understand.

I'm curious about this - not trying to pick on anyone. What's not to approve of? I mean...tangled hair isn't dirty (it can be, obviously - but it's not a definite correlation). It's not unhygienic. It's not unhealthy. What's to disapprove of?

I do brush dd's hair if it starts to get tangled, because she's really, really active, and the knots get caught on things and hurt her.


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## mamaliss (Sep 25, 2003)

Well I am a hairstylist, so yes I am always doing something fun with
the kids hair !


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Knotted hair looks bad, gets caught easier, is a home to dirt, bugs, etc. And it can mat. It doesn't feel good, but a child doesn't have the attention span to notice that until they get older. Not that it never enters their conscience, but it doesn't stay for long. Just as they know that it doesn't look fantastic, but it isn't high on their priority list

Now, guess how I know all that.

It takes only a minute to brush out hair. It doesn't need to be perfect. It isn't high on a child's priority list. That is why they have parents.


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## candipooh (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
Knotted hair looks bad, gets caught easier, is a home to dirt, bugs, etc. And it can mat. It doesn't feel good, but a child doesn't have the attention span to notice that until they get older. Not that it never enters their conscience, but it doesn't stay for long. Just as they know that it doesn't look fantastic, but it isn't high on their priority list

Now, guess how I know all that.
*
It takes only a minute to brush out hair*. It doesn't need to be perfect. It isn't high on a child's priority list. That is why they have parents.


Bolding mine.

Unless you have my daughters hair. To get a really good brushing that has ALL tangles it takes at least 20 minutes. Drives both of us







:

I have three daughters. They do not get their hair brushed everyday. They do if we are going somewhere though. (we homeschool)


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candipooh* 
Bolding mine.

Unless you have my daughters hair. To get a really good brushing that has ALL tangles it takes at least 20 minutes. Drives both of us







:

I have three daughters. They do not get their hair brushed everyday. They do if we are going somewhere though. (we homeschool)

okay. more specifically - it takes less time to brush it regularly than to brush and cut out the knots if you don't keep up on it regularly.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
okay. more specifically - it takes less time to brush it regularly than to brush and cut out the knots if you don't keep up on it regularly.

When I was brushing dd's hair every day (when it was long), it took me at least 15 minutes, not even counting the time I spent chasing her back down when she took off.

When I didn't do it every day, and it started to actually knot, it took me 20 minutes or so. The only time I ever had to cut anything out was when she got gum in her hair.

I'm also totally confused by this

Quote:

Knotted hair looks bad, gets caught easier, is a home to dirt, bugs, etc.
DS1 had lice twice - that was during a period when his school was going through a huge infestation and every parent I knew was going mad. His hair at that time was brushed every day and had no knots. DD has always had clean hair - a little dirt on her scalp sometimes from playing outside, but that's it - and I've never seen any kind of bug in it, unless a ladybug or something lands on her head while we're outside. Knotted doesn't equal dirty...two different issues.


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## ShaggyDaddy (Jul 5, 2006)

DS(2), DW, and I all have long hair... DD(1) still has short hair cause it grows slowly.

DS looks a bit like a lion (his favorite animal at the moment) because it is pretty crazy wavy and we brush it mostly after a bath (with conditioner) and that is not every day.

I dunno, hair always seemed to be overblown to me. It is a dead thing on top of your head that is there for protection, utility, and decoration... Not the end of the world when something happens/doesn't happen to it.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
okay. more specifically - it takes less time to brush it regularly than to brush and cut out the knots if you don't keep up on it regularly.


What if your child's hair doesn't tangle . . or stick up . . . the only time my children's hair looks like crap is when they are trying some crazy new style. . . .and I have never given brushing much thought until today but really the only time we take a comb to it is when we are putting up pig tails or something and not even always then.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
I also do not understand all of your "rules". If it is hot out and your dsd wants to wear her hair down, why do you care?

I only have two rules for my children's hair (three if you count they ahve to keep it clean). Wearing the hair off the neck in the summer is because my son's not too bad, but my little girl has long, very thick hair and when it's on her neck when it's 90 degrees out, she's miserable. She's dripping with sweat and she actually had gotten heat rash on her back in the summer just were the hair lays and two or three times, she's actually felt ill from being overheated. She prefers it up in the summer, so it's not like I'm holding her down and ponytailing her hair or anything. In the summer, 9 times out of 10, when she gets to our house, she immediately asks for a hair tie to put her hair up. As for no hair in the eyes, my Aunt is an eye doctor. Children's eyesight can be affected by having to look through hair and it can distract their concentration when at school. Besides that, why should a child spend her entire day brushing her hair out of her eyes when she has much better things to do? That's my reasoning.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LisainCalifornia* 
I could be wrong, but I think the reason this is bothering you so much is a manifestation of your anger towards stepdaugher's mom. Just make sure you don't grumble about it in from of your stepdaughter--kids of divorce have enough emotional baggage to deal with at the hands of adults as it is.

I practically kill myself making sure I never say anything bad about her Mother in front of her (or anyone besides my Hubby). I've always been a hands on kind of person- I had dolls and dolls when I was a child and I used to get in trouble a be late for school because I was busy dressing them and brushing their hair.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I'm curious about this - not trying to pick on anyone. What's not to approve of? I mean...tangled hair isn't dirty (it can be, obviously - but it's not a definite correlation). It's not unhygienic. It's not unhealthy. What's to disapprove of?

I'm not trying to pick on anyone either, but why not teach your children to take care of themselves so they're well groomed? When they're adults and looking for a job (or in high school trying to date), will they be more successful if they look put together nicely (I don't mean expensive clothes or makeup!) or will they be more successful if they're walking around with bedhead and wrinkled, stained clothing?


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## hookahgirl (May 22, 2005)

I dont bursh my DDs hair unless she says its okay for me to do so.
Knotted hair really doesnt bother me, and if it bothers someone that my DDs hair is knotty, well they can look away and then judge me, what do I care LOL









So with DD being 2.5, she gets it brushed out about once every 2 weeks. It gets pretty crazy, but I have crazy knotty hair too so I know how to get it brushed out pretty quick!

OH and PS, there are plenty of knottie mamas that would beg to differ with you about being "well groomed" jsut a heads up!
AND that bedhead hair doesnt equal stained clothes.

~Whitney


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
What if your child's hair doesn't tangle . . or stick up . . . the only time my children's hair looks like crap is when they are trying some crazy new style. . . .and I have never given brushing much thought until today but really the only time we take a comb to it is when we are putting up pig tails or something and not even always then.

You get lucky!







Most hair isn't like that, but if you got it is sure is nice.


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## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Demeter9* 
okay. more specifically - it takes less time to brush it regularly than to brush and cut out the knots if you don't keep up on it regularly.

Again, totally not true. And I feel curious about why you seem to feel so critical about other people's grooming habits (and this is a grooming habit, not a hygiene issue; my dd is perfectly clean). My dd has extremely, extremely thick, wavy, coarse hair (that she got from me). She sleeps like a wild woman. She constantly wakes up with thick tangles. Even when I brush it twice a day (in the morning and before bed) it takes a good 15 minutes to do it gently enough that she's not in tears. And being that I have to get her and myself out the door by 7:30 every morning and we don't return home until 7:00 in the evening, fifteen minute segments are extremely important to me. The only time it's easy to comb out is immediately after its been washed and conditioned, which, for her hair and mine, can really only be done every third day or so. So, after years of struggling with it, I now only comb it after she washes her hair. So, yep, my kid goes to school every single day with a head full of tangles. She's clean, happy, well-loved, well fed, well cared for and full of tangles. And I totally fail to see how or why this is a problem for other people.









To the OP, I think you are nitpicking. Why do you care so much about the hair on other people's heads? Why does your dsd _have_ to put her hair up on hot days? I agree with you that you are really anal about this.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
I'm not trying to pick on anyone either, but why not teach your children to take care of themselves so they're well groomed? When they're adults and looking for a job (or in high school trying to date), will they be more successful if they look put together nicely (I don't mean expensive clothes or makeup!) or will they be more successful if they're walking around with bedhead and wrinkled, stained clothing?

Well just FYI my parents did an only so-so job at the grooming thing, but I work in a fashion-related field, so it can be learned at a later date. And I still hate to try to tame my tresses. You'd be surprised how many fashion editors agree.







I did get through the first round of interviews partly on being dressed appropriately and reasonably well-groomed, I'm sure, but after that the reading that I do instead of fussing over my hair really came in handy.

It is not that I think it's wrong to work on good grooming - and it's great if it works for your kids and you. Totally great. The judging... not so sure about that; I guess my perspective on that is that I try not to get into judging people on looks, nor encouraging it in my kids. I am a little wary (esp. being in a fashion-related field) of the messages that can be mistaken in the grey space between "being yourself, well-groomed, is great" and "being well-groomed/fashionable is super important."

And I don't think that brushed hair in childhood = well-groomed adult. Especially when you take the teen years into account. And actually I think sometimes the messy wild looking kids are the hot ones in high school (depends on the school; my nephew's hair is often crazed but he has a lot of girls calling him... must be the l33t sk8boarding skilz).

I had no idea I had so much to say about hair; what a neat conversation.


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Why do you care that I care?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shonahsmom* 
Again, totally not true. And I feel curious about why you seem to feel so critical about other people's grooming habits (and this is a grooming habit, not a hygiene issue; my dd is perfectly clean). My dd has extremely, extremely thick, wavy, coarse hair (that she got from me). She sleeps like a wild woman. She constantly wakes up with thick tangles. Even when I brush it twice a day (in the morning and before bed) it takes a good 15 minutes to do it gently enough that she's not in tears. And being that I have to get her and myself out the door by 7:30 every morning and we don't return home until 7:00 in the evening, fifteen minute segments are extremely important to me. The only time it's easy to comb out is immediately after its been washed and conditioned, which, for her hair and mine, can really only be done every third day or so. So, after years of struggling with it, I now only comb it after she washes her hair. So, yep, my kid goes to school every single day with a head full of tangles. She's clean, happy, well-loved, well fed, well cared for and full of tangles. And I totally fail to see how or why this is a problem for other people.









To the OP, I think you are nitpicking. Why do you care so much about the hair on other people's heads? Why does your dsd _have_ to put her hair up on hot days? I agree with you that you are really anal about this.


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## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
I'm not trying to pick on anyone either, but why not teach your children to take care of themselves so they're well groomed? When they're adults and looking for a job (or in high school trying to date), will they be more successful if they look put together nicely (I don't mean expensive clothes or makeup!) or will they be more successful if they're walking around with bedhead and wrinkled, stained clothing?

Why, again, is the association being made between bedhead and dirtiness (wrinkled, stained, clothing)?

Knotty hair does not equal dirty hair or a dirty body or dirty clothes.


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## Mothra (Jun 4, 2002)

I know that people judge me on my children's appearance, I just don't care. I have enough trouble getting my kids to brush their teeth twice a day. "Grooming" goes to the wayside sometimes. They are clean, their clothes are clean (if a bit wrinkled sometimes), and they're a heck of a lot happier when I haven't had to spend fifteen minutes trying to get a comb through hair with little hands in it trying to keep me from combing. The fight is just not worth it.


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## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

Yes I think you're a little anal about it but it's not a bad anal. I understand wanting to brush it everyday and keep it clean. Putting it up I think is going too far but that's between you and your children.

OTOH I keep my dd's hair clean and brush 1-2 times per day. She has fine curly medium length hair. 5 min after it's brushed you'd never guess it had been. So please take a child's actual hair type into consideration before you judge the grooming habits their parents are emparting.

This is actually an on-going battle between my MIL and me. She says things like, "Oh you brush her hair at night. Why do you do that?" And when she was here 2 weeks ago bought tons of pony tail holders, rubber bands and barrettes in an attempt to get dd to put her hair up. And now I"m laughing hysterically b/c dd wouldn't put her hair up for more than 5 min the entire time MIL was here and now has requested pigtails everyday since she left and they have lasted all day.


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

I have to say that I am quite surprised about the judgment about something so little.

First off, no it is not easier to comb if done daily. If I spend the 30 minutes (and that is not an exaggeration) to comb out dd's hair, she can take one lap around the house and it will take another 30 minutes to comb it out again. I know this due to trying to take family portraits and having to redo her hair after a few minutes. Frankly, we have much more fun things to do with our time than spend a half hour combing hair just because someone out there might tsk tsk me for not doing it.

Second, there are lots of things that dd, as a 4 yo, does and does not do right at this time that might not help her get a job in 20 years. So? Not to mention, right now, it is ME that is doing the grooming. That is not "teaching" dd anything. I am sure I will not be the only one on here that is quite sure that there will be some point within the next 14+ years in which dd will have the desire to have hair she grooms herself. Am I really suppose to think that torturing us both for 3+ hours a week is going to prevent her from EVER grooming herself as an adult? Really?

Third, how is less-than-daily combed hair any dirtier than hair combed every day. My own, thin, fine hair is quite easy to comb and needs to be combed several times a day to look presentable. I assure you that my hair can get pretty durn dirty but still be combed daily. The ironic thing? I do not wash dd's hair either. It is very curly and I have learned from others with very curly hair, that washing it is a no-no. So i don't. It gets rinsed every few days and seems quite clean, thank you very much. I have never found any bugs or anything like that in her hair.

Lastly, it is not my place to make decisions, especially as trivial as hair, about another person's body. I am happy to comb and do dd's hair any time she asks. I also suggest it when I think it is time. Usually dd agrees. When she doesn't that is fine too. This is such a tiny thing to get worked up over. The only reason I bother to respond to the thread is out of pure amazement that anyone would judge another parent or kid over something so ridiculous. You have no idea what the reasons are for any given kid to have messy hair. In true neglect, there are going to be other signs. In absence of those signs, one should assume there is a good reason (and I believe a kid not wanting to have their hair combed is a good enough reason) and find something else to fret over. Like *gasp*, that kid's SOCKS don't match! Eeek! They will NEVER get a job if they do not learn to match their socks!!!! Call CPS!


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Strawman. There are levels in between barbie-doll child and call CPS.


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## Adele_Mommy (Jun 28, 2007)

My dd gets her hair brushed before she goes out, so that is basically every day except for an occasional sick day or lazy weekend. My dh does it most of the time because he is a sahd, but I do it if I am there. My dd does not like getting her hair brushed and has asked me why she has to have brushed hair when she goes out. I usually respond, "So you don't look uncared for." So basically, I am assuming that her teacher and everyone she meets is thinking pretty much like the OP!


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I have boys with short hair so they don't take but a few minutes to comb down. My oldest has a horrible cowlick in the back so I just wet it and comb it with my fingers. He does ask for gel sometimes (like daddy uses) so I'll put a little on.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I'm curious about this - not trying to pick on anyone. What's not to approve of? I mean...tangled hair isn't dirty (it can be, obviously - but it's not a definite correlation). It's not unhygienic. It's not unhealthy. What's to disapprove of?
.

From a parent of kids with formerly tangled hair, thank you.

There was a while when my kids screamed when I combed their hair. They are biracial and have very curly hair. I opted out of combing it for a while. It was always clean, just often tangled.

Now they comb it every day.


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
I
I'm not trying to pick on anyone either, but why not teach your children to take care of themselves so they're well groomed? When they're adults and looking for a job (or in high school trying to date), will they be more successful if they look put together nicely (I don't mean expensive clothes or makeup!) or will they be more successful if they're walking around with bedhead and wrinkled, stained clothing?

Because there is plenty of time to learn how to care for themselves. By the time they were 5 yo my kids had started getting their hair regularly combed. Kids grow and change and skills can be learned.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
I'm not trying to pick on anyone either, but why not teach your children to take care of themselves so they're well groomed? When they're adults and looking for a job (or in high school trying to date), will they be more successful if they look put together nicely (I don't mean expensive clothes or makeup!) or will they be more successful if they're walking around with bedhead and wrinkled, stained clothing?

Maybe because being well groomed at four simply isn't a priority for me. DD goes out dressed in mismatched socks, mismatched shoes (her choice - not something I want to argue about) and totally bizarre outfits (think pink fairy skirt, over neon orange sweatpants, with a navy blue t-shirt and a red Tae Kwon Do helmet) on a regular basis. She enjoys it. She's not "well groomed" by anybody's standards...but she doesn't care, and neither do I. Her clothes are clean - just not neat, tidy or coordinated.

We always had clean hair as kids, and I think it was brushed a lot, too (I know I loved having mine brushed). Looking back at pictures, I think we were fairly well-groomed. My sister still is - she won't leave the house unless she looks perfect...clothes are perfect (not expensive, but fitting just right, perfectly clean, etc.), her makeup is on, her hair is brushed, and probably styled. That's a priority for her - it's never been a priority for me. One of the things I love about being a SAHM is that there's no longer any expectation that I look a certain way. So...guess which one of us didn't graduate, has had a string of abusive boyfriends, and hasn't had a job in 18 years? Well groomed doesn't = successful. It can be a component of success, but it's not going to do it all by itself.

When I worked and interviewed, I wore neat clothes, and brushed my hair, and wore make-up (minimal), because it was part of the process. It's not that hard to teach kids that grandma's funeral or a job interview are different than going to the grocery store, or hanging out in the yard. (DS1 is 14, and looks like an unmade bed most of the time - clean, but unmade - but he knows there are times when he needs to spiff it up a little.) But, I met lots of well-groomed jerks, and lots of really great people who looked like they'd tumbled out of bed and put on whatever they found on the floor. Grooming doesn't impress me much, as long as people are clean.

And, all of that aside...what's to "approve" or "disapprove" of if someone is clean? Why on earth would anybody disapprove of someone not brushing their child's hair, if 1) the child doesn't mind, and 2) the hair is clean.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Honestly, I can't imagine why other people's kids' hair is anybody else's business.

Judge all you like. You can be as small and petty a person as you care to be.

I prefer to judge people, including children, on the basis of other things besides their appearance.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *marybethorama* 
From a parent of kids with formerly tangled hair, thank you.

There was a while when my kids screamed when I combed their hair. They are biracial and have very curly hair. I opted out of combing it for a while. It was always clean, just often tangled.

Now they comb it every day.

Yeah - I remember visiting my aunt as a kid. She _loved_ it when I came over, because I loved having my hair brushed. She loved brushing hair, but my cousin was bi-racial, with really curly hair, and hated having it brushed at all. My aunt got to let her frustrated inner hair dresser come out to play when I visited.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I brush DD's hair at least twice a day and wash it every other day, but it sure doesn't LOOK like I do. She has my hair. It's fine, and tends to look scraggly and tangled in about 10 minutes. I could keep her looking neat if I brushed it every hour, but she would kill me.









I also don't "do" her hair very often. I ask her occasionally, and she usually says no. That's the end of the conversation. I argue enough with this child--it is so not worth it. If she asks, I will do it.

Her hair's general state (mildly messy and wild, not all "cute" with ponies and barrettes) seems to REALLY BUG certain people, like older relatives. The teachers at daycare frequently do her hair, which I try not to take as a dig. And my MIL will stalk her with a brush!

But then, my MIL recently revealed that one of her biggest issues with her successful, happy 42yo daughter (married, with a PhD) is that she doesn't brush her hair enough. SERIOUSLY. DH and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It is so weird to me how people think this is such a huge deal. (And I am not, you know, a dreadlocked patchouli hippie or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that.







)


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## Individuation (Jul 24, 2006)

Most of the women in my family, including me and my nine-year-old DD, have long, tangled hair. It's perfectly clean, but generally only gets a weekly detangle to prevent it from locking.

It's not a real barrier in the job/life market.


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## simple gifts (Feb 27, 2003)

I have three daughters. When they were young enough that I needed to do their hair, then the rule was if you want it long, it has to be put up. If they didn't want to put it up, that was fine, but then they got short hair cuts.

I didn't like to see long stringy hair, or hair in their eyes. I brushed, braided, pony tailed, french braided, whatever every day for about 15 years, without exaggeration.

Once they were old enough to care for their own hair, then they could do what they wished with their hair. Now one of my sons has long hair, as well. I would tell them if I thought then needed to wash it, but it has never, ever come up. They always wash, and usually do something to their hair. In fact, we have an entire drug store of hair "product" in the bathroom cabinet.

I have very curly hair, and I brush mine once a day.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

DS has VERY curly, fine hair. Even though he has auburn hair people ask us all the time if he is half black, because of the way his hair is. (he has really dark brown eyes) It is also about 10 inches long. Doesn't get combed everyday, and when it does get combed it takes quite a while. We have the same problem that PP's have mentioned...even if we brush it every day it takes at least 15 minutes each time.

He has a VERY sensitive scalp and it is very painful for him to have it combed. It isn't because I am rough, or don;t know how to do it right like a PP said. He is just tender headed...I couldn't be any more gentle. The lightest combing causes pain for him and his scalp turns red. I have never seen anything like it.

Oh, and I HATE doing my hair now that I am an adult. My mother was like the OP, and I have a tender scalp. I didn't like having her do my hair, but she insisted on it. (I am not saying that OP does this...just that it was really important to my mom like the OP)
I remember fighting with her about it all the time. I really wish she would have just let me be.

I refuse to do that to my son. I would prefer to comb it every day, but it causes him pain and he hates it. I do comb it before preschool, though, because I am worried what his teachers might think.

It is a bummer that people get judgmental over such stupid things. And I wish that I was better about not letting it get to me!

Oh, and this is a little OT but to the other posters who,s kids have hair like my sons, we are using a product from Aveda called Be Curly. I think there is a whole line of products, but we just use the leave in conditioner. It works really nicely, gives his curls amazing definition. We only use a tiny bit, and it really helps his hair not to tangle as easily, so it looks better between combings. I swear by the stuff!!!!


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
I
But then, my MIL recently revealed that one of her biggest issues with her successful, happy 42yo daughter (married, with a PhD) is that she doesn't brush her hair enough. SERIOUSLY. DH and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. It is so weird to me how people think this is such a huge deal. (And I am not, you know, a dreadlocked patchouli hippie or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that.







)

For a second I thought you were my SIL









What is it about certain mothers (my own included) and hair?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
But then, my MIL recently revealed that one of her biggest issues with her successful, happy 42yo daughter (married, with a PhD) is that she doesn't brush her hair enough. SERIOUSLY.

umm...wow...just...wow.







:

Funny - hadn't thought of it until just now, but I think the only times I ever saw my dad brush his hair were when he was going to a wedding.


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## chinaKat (Aug 6, 2005)

Wow, after reading this thread I am SO FREAKING GRATEFUL now for DD's non-tangly hair and the fact that hair combing is a total non issue at my house. I am sure that if she had a different hair type that she would look like a rastafarian, because there is no way on earth she'd sit still for fifteen minutes of brushing twice a day!!!!

Not that there's anything wrong with being rastafarian! But I'd probably catch hell from the grandmas on a regular basis for it...


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## ani'smommy (Nov 29, 2005)

Wow. I'm happy if DD's hair doesn't have food in it. Seriously. I keep it clean, and usually brush it every day, but she messes it up FAST. And almost immediately takes out any barretts or pony tails I might put in it. She could care less if her hair is in her eyes.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Tmi


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
He has a VERY sensitive scalp and it is very painful for him to have it combed. It isn't because I am rough, or don;t know how to do it right like a PP said. He is just tender headed...I couldn't be any more gentle. The lightest combing causes pain for him and his scalp turns red. I have never seen anything like it.

My dd doesn't have curly hair but her scalp is sensetive like your ds's. Her scalp also turns red with very light brushing. We've tried every kind of brush and comb we could find. The brush she can stand for her scalp is not very good at getting rid of tangles.


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

Hmm, well, we keep DS' hair very short, so its a non issue. Just wash and wear, that kid.

As for me, my hair breaks when it even catches a glimpse of a brush. I have to wash it about once a week and finger comb it in between or I just have an afro. (Scottish hair, gotta love it.) So yeah, its a little tangly now and then but the curls hide it well. As a child I HATED my mom brushing my hair, I think she was too used to horse tails. Even when I was getting it cut at the salon, the stylist (whom I could just barely tolerate) would remark on how bright red my scalp would go at just the slightest touch. I grew out of it, thankfully.

Messy does not equal negligent.







Messy means that they're too busy having fun to worry about minutia and people passing judgement.


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## jennnk (Feb 6, 2005)

Andy's hair is very VERY curly, has yet to be cut, and he'll be 2 in November. Brushing it would be a HUGE disaster. Brushing curly hair, not just wavy but CURLY hair, is a HUGE no-no. Brushing curly hair is begging for frizz and tangles and nastiness. We don't use shampoo, either, just conditioner, and that has stopped the back from dreadlocking; now they're perfect little springy ringlets


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hookahgirl* 
OH and PS, there are plenty of knottie mamas that would beg to differ with you about being "well groomed" jsut a heads up!
AND that bedhead hair doesnt equal stained clothes.

No, bedhead doesn't equal stained clothes, but for many people, and until recently, I was under the impression, most people, consider it part of getting ready for the day- put on clean clothes, brush your teeth, brush your hair, wash your face, etc.

[

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
I have to say that I am quite surprised about the judgment about something so little.

Second, there are lots of things that dd, as a 4 yo, does and does not do right at this time that might not help her get a job in 20 years. So? Not to mention, right now, it is ME that is doing the grooming. That is not "teaching" dd anything. I am sure I will not be the only one on here that is quite sure that there will be some point within the next 14+ years in which dd will have the desire to have hair she grooms herself. Am I really suppose to think that torturing us both for 3+ hours a week is going to prevent her from EVER grooming herself as an adult? Really?

Third, how is less-than-daily combed hair any dirtier than hair combed every day. My own, thin, fine hair is quite easy to comb and needs to be combed several times a day to look presentable. I assure you that my hair can get pretty durn dirty but still be combed daily. The ironic thing? I do not wash dd's hair either. It is very curly and I have learned from others with very curly hair, that washing it is a no-no. So i don't. It gets rinsed every few days and seems quite clean, thank you very much. I have never found any bugs or anything like that in her hair.

Lastly, it is not my place to make decisions, especially as trivial as hair, about another person's body. I am happy to comb and do dd's hair any time she asks. I also suggest it when I think it is time. Usually dd agrees. When she doesn't that is fine too. This is such a tiny thing to get worked up over. The only reason I bother to respond to the thread is out of pure amazement that anyone would judge another parent or kid over something so ridiculous. You have no idea what the reasons are for any given kid to have messy hair. In true neglect, there are going to be other signs. In absence of those signs, one should assume there is a good reason (and I believe a kid not wanting to have their hair combed is a good enough reason) and find something else to fret over. Like *gasp*, that kid's SOCKS don't match! Eeek! They will NEVER get a job if they do not learn to match their socks!!!! Call CPS!

[

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
I have to say that I am quite surprised about the judgment about something so little.

[

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
Lastly, it is not my place to make decisions, especially as trivial as hair, about another person's body.

So let me get this right... if my children don't want to take a bath or to brush their teeth of dress into clean clothes for school or go to bed before midnight, I should not tell them to? Not even if it's something they don't complain about doing and that they would mostly do themselves if they thought of themselves? Then what in God's name am I put on Earth for if not to guide my children into learning how to take care of themselves?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Adele_Mommy* 
I usually respond, "So you don't look uncared for." So basically, I am assuming that her teacher and everyone she meets is thinking pretty much like the OP!









Hey, relax. Everyone jumped up assuming I'm being judgmental and such when I was asking a legitimate question about what the norm was. I even mentioned I knew I did it more than average, but I was wondering what average was because I couldn't understand it. Next thing I know, from the way all these posters are telling it, I'm some evil judgemental person who forces my kids to be living Barbie dolls for my own enjoyment and walks around telling everyone they're bad parents if their children's hair isn't brushed twice daily and braided.







I was trying to draw from other people's parenting skills and experiences. If you can't ask a serious question in here, where the heck *CAN* you ask it?







:


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## mama-meg (Nov 30, 2003)

My sdd has really long hair and we comb it before bed (to keep the tangles down, and usually this is right after a shower) and in the morning. If she wants I braid it before bed so it is wavy in the morning (and doesn't snarl







) I will also braid or ponytail or half ponytail or in some way put it up for her if she likes in the morning. If I notice it is knotted up in the afternoon I will offer to comb it, or suggest that she do it herself. For her hair type it is tangle management - it really is easier for her hair type to comb it more often than to comb it every once in a while. Plus if we keep on top of it she can do it herself, which she likes. My son has curly fine hair and more cowlicks than I thought possible. I brush it once or twice a day, but because of the way that it swirls around his head it always looks a little... I don't know. Odd. If it were thicker I would cut it short and hope for the best but in the meantime I brush it before we leave the house, whether anyone can tell 5 minutes later or not. For him we still use a baby brush because of how fine his hair is.

I don't care how other people style or don't style their kids hair though. I just have routines for dealing with my own kiddos hair.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

HarleyHalfMoon...I may be wrong but I think it was other posters who made the offensive comments that most ppl are complaining about.

I personally did not find your posting to be judgemental, but some others were


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## loriforeman (Aug 18, 2007)

er...the more i read, the better i feel. seriously.

my girls wash their hair at least every other day...usually once per day. it's brushed every school morning, and before we enter a public place (i toss the brush at them before we head into the store, restaurant, yada yada).

i don't spend more time than that. all my girls pretty much wear their hair down...my little one being the exception. she rides the bus every morn, and it's a long ride that i prefer her to sleep through; as such, her brush and stuff is kept at school. never fail, they put her hair up in some sort of strange fashion...

if we don't leave the house for the weekend, then hair might not even SEE a brush.


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## curvyred (Jan 27, 2006)

My four and a half MONTH old is already a pro at hair time--out of necessity. We pick out his hair mornings and just added an evening hair time last week because mornings weren't sufficient to keep the major snarls out.

As long as he has hair more than an inch or so long--and we don't plan to cut it for a year--hair time will be non-negotiable. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to mind it and doesn't seem especially tenderheaded.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
I'm not trying to pick on anyone either, but why not teach your children to take care of themselves so they're well groomed? When they're adults and looking for a job (or in high school trying to date), will they be more successful if they look put together nicely (I don't mean expensive clothes or makeup!) or will they be more successful if they're walking around with bedhead and wrinkled, stained clothing?









You obviously don't know many mathematicians.

And my mother used to say, "wait until you get a job, you won't be able to stay up until 3 and sleep in every morning." Haha mom, I work flex hours.

Back to your original question. I don't ever brush DD's hair - it is curly and it will rip. I comb her hair out after her 3x a week baths (with conditioner) and that is it. If I put her hair in pony tails, she will pull out the clip to look at it. She is somewhat spirited (and 100% 2.5 yo) and it already takes me an hour to get a shirt, undies, pants, shoes, teeth brushed and pottied so chasing her around the house with her wide toothed comb seems low on the priority scale. Since her hair is curly, the carseat will put knots into her hair pretty much immediately anyways. I am lucky when I can wash her hair in the tub because no matter what I do, she screams.

I am sure DD's preschool teacher thinks I am neglectful not brushing her hair but she is very different with her (DD is slow to warm up and has only had this teacher a month) than at home where I accept her. I am sure the preschool teacher could brush her hair with no objections. Heck, Ms. Lisa might even be able to wash her hair.

Oh, and it does take a while to brush DD's hair because it is so curly. Unlike my hair that is 3 passes and its done. I noticed that your DS and DSD have only wavy hair. The curls make a big difference.

ETA: All that blather can be boiled down to combing hair 3x a week. No brushing it at all.


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## treqi (Dec 31, 2006)

:

I rarely brush dds hair and she acutally likes it but if its tangley I give it a good brush.


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

I opened this thread thinking it was about *lice*!


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *curvyred* 
*My four and a half MONTH old is already a pro at hair time--out of necessity. We pick out his hair mornings and just added an evening hair time last week because mornings weren't sufficient to keep the major snarls out.

As long as he has hair more than an inch or so long--and we don't plan to cut it for a year--hair time will be non-negotiable.* *Fortunately, he doesn't seem to mind it and doesn't seem especially tenderheaded*.

And I guess hopefully for his sake he wont be more tender headed as he gets older.

Non-Negotiable

Ouch!!!


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## Yooper (Jun 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
HarleyHalfMoon...I may be wrong but I think it was other posters who made the offensive comments that most ppl are complaining about.

I personally did not find your posting to be judgemental, but some others were

















:

I do not care one bit if other parents want to do different things with their kid's hair. I might not understand some of the rules, but that is not my business. I just start to get a little ticked when people are suggesting I am allowing my dd to be unclean or that I am setting her up for failure for the rest of her life









And to open a whole nother can of worms.......

No, I do not force my dd to brush her teeth or go to bed at a certain time. Luckily she is agreeable to these things most days but when she is not.....that is up to her. There are other ways to get relatively clean teeth and enough sleep. I do not decide what she wears or if it is clean. She is quite good at that now. I also do not make her take a bath. And, again, I do not really care how others handle these things in their own home (short of abuse). But I think we are all going for the same goal, we just have different ways of getting there. I am more in the camp of helping my dd figure these things out for herself where others think routine will be a better way to establish habits. This is not the thread to argue the merits of different parenting styles. But I think it is important to point out that what might look like neglect to one parent might be a thoughtful and purposeful approach. I truly feel that combing my dd's hair when she does not want it to be done is a far greater violation of respect than letting her play on the playground with tangly hair.

And FTR, my day has been "started" for two hours and I have yet to do any of the "start you day" things. Some of those things might not get done for hours


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *curvyred* 
My four and a half MONTH old is already a pro at hair time--out of necessity. We pick out his hair mornings and just added an evening hair time last week because mornings weren't sufficient to keep the major snarls out.

As long as he has hair more than an inch or so long--and we don't plan to cut it for a year--hair time will be non-negotiable. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to mind it and doesn't seem especially tenderheaded.









It's so lovely to be the mum of a 4.5 month old. I hope you are enjoying it!


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## andreac (Jul 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sebandg'smama* 
I opened this thread thinking it was about *lice*!









Haha...me too!


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Yooper* 
I do not care one bit if other parents want to do different things with their kid's hair. I might not understand some of the rules, but that is not my business. I just start to get a little ticked when people are suggesting I am allowing my dd to be unclean or that I am setting her up for failure for the rest of her life









And to open a whole nother can of worms.......

No, I do not force my dd to brush her teeth or go to bed at a certain time. Luckily she is agreeable to these things most days but when she is not.....that is up to her. There are other ways to get relatively clean teeth and enough sleep. I do not decide what she wears or if it is clean. She is quite good at that now. I also do not make her take a bath. And, again, I do not really care how others handle these things in their own home (short of abuse). But I think we are all going for the same goal, we just have different ways of getting there. I am more in the camp of helping my dd figure these things out for herself where others think routine will be a better way to establish habits. This is not the thread to argue the merits of different parenting styles. But I think it is important to point out that what might look like neglect to one parent might be a thoughtful and purposeful approach. I truly feel that combing my dd's hair when she does not want it to be done is a far greater violation of respect than letting her play on the playground with tangly hair.

I could have written this. Now that my kids go to school (one with uniforms and a dress code) we have many more routines about bedtime, hair combing, etc. But when they were toddlers/preschoolers? We didn't worry so much. We developed routines as we needed to.

For a while one of my kids refused baths. Was he dirty? No, he took showers instead. Later he did take baths again but now he's back to showers.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

I wouldn't war with a young child over hair combing. When my daughter's got unruly we started using that tangle-free spray in stuff, which helped. But it didn't help enough so we cut her hair short. I never have to brush it now. No drama.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Dd has curly hair- a whole new experience for me. In general I brush it out in the morning-ish with detangler and fix it. Then NO brushing! Brushing makes friz. Only brushing or combing when wet. I used to brush it at night (after the bath)- then I figured out it made no difference. So now it's brushed once a day.

MY hair, I brush in the morning and put up. I brush tangles out after the bath at night.

-Angela


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## curvyred (Jan 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 







It's so lovely to be the mum of a 4.5 month old. I hope you are enjoying it!

It is!







Oh don't get me wrong--I'm assuming that hair time will get more difficult as he gets older.

And non-negotiable, yes. If I don't want his hair to loc into a huge matted mess, twice a day picking out is necessary. When he's older, if he gets more tenderheaded or if he just wants it that way, we can cut it shorter.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
As for no hair in the eyes, my Aunt is an eye doctor. Children's eyesight can be affected by having to look through hair and it can distract their concentration when at school.

Okay, sorry, but that is BS.... Personally I HATE hair in my eyes. But it's not going to impact eyesight and it may or may not distract them at school. It sure as heck would distract ME, but I know enough to know that the same things don't bother everyone.

-Angela


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Okay, sorry, but that is BS.... Personally I HATE hair in my eyes. But it's not going to impact eyesight and it may or may not distract them at school. It sure as heck would distract ME, but I know enough to know that the same things don't bother everyone.

-Angela

Actually, it is true. My best friend in junior high wore her hair so that her bangs covered one of her eyes and she had to stop because it was impacting the sight in that eye. If you wear the same style every day where your hair covers one eye, it is similar to wearing a patch (which I did due to eye issues).


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## mama_daba (Dec 7, 2004)

as far as hair in a child's eyes effecting eye site goes. as a kid i always had hair in my eyes and i liked it that way i am now 28 and have perfect 20/20 eye site. it certainly did not mess up my eyes and in school i would use my hair to make a sort of tent over my paper so no one could see me working and i found it much less distracting than when i had my hair back in a pony tail. i also hated the way bangs looked as a kid and refused to let anyone cut my hair so i would ave bangs. it drove my grandma nuts. i used to get a lot of tangles as a kid but i think it had more to do with not getting my hair trimmed often enough because now as long as it is trimmed at least once a year and i don't ave split ends i get no tangles and i brush a lot less often than when i was a kid. i usually just run my fingers through my hair once a day or so. it is very rare for me to have any tangles. as a kid my hair was a matted mess and it was brushed all the time.


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## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

I think this really does depend on your hair type. Curly hair does not need frequent brushing and thicker hair can do without it too. However, if you have thin hair like me, than if you don't brush it and keep it up it will be tangled in a few hours, and matted in a few days.

I nannied for a girl with similar hair, and she hadn't had it thoroughly brushed in months. It took us two HOURS to bush the matts out. (That helped to convince her that if she wanted to keep her hair long than she was going to have to brush it morning and night.)

I agree with the previous poster who said that the rule for her was either long hair brushed and up or short hair. This makes sense, especially for those children who have thin hair.


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## mama_daba (Dec 7, 2004)

my hair is very fine but thick as in i have a lot of hair but each individual hair is very fine and straight. my hair doesn't even have any wave to it at all. i suspect the shampoo my mom used also added to the tangles i had as a kid. if my child wants long hair and it tangles easily i might suggest keeping it braided or something.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

i really can't believe that this thread is on MDC. there is a lot of judgment here and not so much tolerance.

i take care of my kids' health. i do insure that they brush their teeth at least once at night (they're perfect btw). i bathe them as needed.
"
hair is like clothes to me. they get to pick and choose what they want to wear for the most part and i don't really care as long it's weather appropriate (health issue). if they wanna wear a dress-up ballerina outfit to the grocery store, well that's just really cute in my book. if they wanna wear a purple striped top with orange flowered pants, well that's not my style, but it's not hurting anybody so i let them feel empowered with their choices. i might point out how the pink top has just the same shade of pink as the pink and blue flowered shorts and how i like how they look together, but my kids make up their minds about what they want to wear.

same with hair. if they want braided pigtails i will happily do it and explain that i need to brush first. regardless of style, i do brush/comb before tangles turn into dreadlocks. i've told them that when they are old enough they are welcome to choose dreadlocks as a hair style, but right now they are too young because i don't think they understand that the only way to get rid of dreadlocks if one were to change her mind is to cut them out. dd1 cut her own hair when she was 4 and was devasted by it. she let me even it up at the time, but has refused all haircuts since. she is very invested in having it as long as possible even if it's scraggly on the ends. i can just see her saying, "i want dreadlocks" and then 3 months later, "i want my hair long again". so we brush often enough to prevent loc-ing, but otherwise it's pretty much up to them. i will start and if they say stop i am usually going to respect what they say about their bodies. i have offered over and over again to even up dd1's hair in the back and still leave it long, but she refuses. it's her hair! dd2's hair has never been cut. i've explained to her that it would be easier to comb/brush if it were shorter, but not she wants hers long, too.

i have shoulder length hair and i almost never wear it up or back. i get raging headaches even if it's just up for 20 minutes or so. i would never never force my child to wear her hair up. it's her hair. it's not a health issue it's her decision.

i am way NOT ANAL about hair.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lalaland42* 
Actually, it is true. My best friend in junior high wore her hair so that her bangs covered one of her eyes and she had to stop because it was impacting the sight in that eye. If you wear the same style every day where your hair covers one eye, it is similar to wearing a patch (which I did due to eye issues).

Bangs that entirely block an eye are quite different than little kid straggly hair in the eyes









-Angela


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Bangs that entirely block an eye are quite different than little kid straggly hair in the eyes









-Angela

That is true however as a mom who is paranoid about eye sight, I can see being worried about it. It is more the habitualness of the hair in the eyes that is an issue and I might have a rule about it if DD kept her hair in her eyes.

ETA: I just wanted to clarify that it _can_ be an issue, whether or not it was in this case is another matter.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

My oldest son (6 next month) has a fake mohawk, but it's short enough that it doesn't require any brushing or "fixing" unless we want to have fun with it and "hawk it up," as he says.









My DD (2 next month) had hair halfway down her back until about a month ago. I was tired of getting her up earlier than I had to on work mornings in order to do the whole hair routine (brushing, pigtails/ponytail/whatever, trying desperately to make her bedhead look decent). So I got it cut into a bob that is just below her chin, and it is adorable! It requires very little maintenance now. I usually just have to run a brush through it in the morning, and she's good as new.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Bangs that entirely block an eye are quite different than little kid straggly hair in the eyes









-Angela









:
I wore my hair over my left eye for about a year in high school, but I'm a special case. I don't have depth perception and my eyes don't track together. Since I rarely used my left eye, anyway, I just let my hair hang over it.

And, I think someone else mentioned the "tent". I leaned over my desk with my hair hanging down all the time. I'm horribly self-conscious, and it was worse when I was a teenager (not helped by the fact that people _were_ watching me - you know the saying about being paranoid?). I was much more comfortable with my hair acting as a screen. It probably did look untidy, but who cares? (Actually, I didn't use hair spray, gel, mousse or a curling iron - that probably qualified me as ill-kept all by itself - this _was_ the 80s!)


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
HarleyHalfMoon...I may be wrong but I think it was other posters who made the offensive comments that most ppl are complaining about.

I personally did not find your posting to be judgemental, but some others were









I hope not. I didn't mean it to be. I'm still failing to see how asking how other people do such-and-such is offensive. And just because one person has an opinion about something, if it's different than someone else's opinion, there's no reason for them to feel like they neet to get all defensive.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Twinklefae* 
I think this really does depend on your hair type. Curly hair does not need frequent brushing and thicker hair can do without it too. However, if you have thin hair like me, than if you don't brush it and keep it up it will be tangled in a few hours, and matted in a few days.

I nannied for a girl with similar hair, and she hadn't had it thoroughly brushed in months. It took us two HOURS to bush the matts out. (That helped to convince her that if she wanted to keep her hair long than she was going to have to brush it morning and night.)

I agree with the previous poster who said that the rule for her was either long hair brushed and up or short hair. This makes sense, especially for those children who have thin hair.

I think you've answered my question better than anyone else in thie thread here.


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## chann96 (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Dd has curly hair- a whole new experience for me. In general I brush it out in the morning-ish with detangler and fix it. Then NO brushing! Brushing makes friz. Only brushing or combing when wet. I used to brush it at night (after the bath)- then I figured out it made no difference. So now it's brushed once a day.

MY hair, I brush in the morning and put up. I brush tangles out after the bath at night.

-Angela

Angela, since you mention curly hair is new to you I have a suggestion for you.

http://www.ylcf.org/gotcurl/ This webpage has lot of great suggestions for caring for curly hair. There is also an associated book which I bought about 5 years ago and it really changed how I deal with my hair(very curly). I have never liked my hair much and the book really helped to change that for me. Number one rule for me is that I NEVER brush my hair. I finger comb it with conditioner in the shower, leave in some conditioner and either finger comb it to finish it or use a wide-tooth comb or pick if I'm putting it in a pony tail or barrette. I also haven't used shampoo in over 4 years. I scrub my head with conditioner, but curly hair is very prone to dryness and shampoo strips all of those oils off your head. Weird to get used to, but my hair is so much healthier with that change.








I'm a little bit of a fanatic about this book and webpage now, but I truly never liked my hair before and now I really do. In this society where almost all of the "beautiful" women have long straight hair it can be hard growing up with curly hair and this book helped me a lot. I hope to help other little girls from the very start by passing the info along to their moms.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

hmh: you didn't just post...my children just love having their hair done up, so I oblige. You posted that you have rules about how your stepdaughter is allowed to wear her hair. You posted about a child in your care who's hair you tended with a tone of pity. And unless tending the children's hair is a normal part of your work duties, I think you overstepped in not checking with the child/parents first to make sure it was okay for you to do that.

My kid's head, my kid's choice. Guidance doesn't mean making rules. We talk about things. I voice opinions. She voices opinions. She has difficult hair and a sensitive head. If a child care worker brushed her hair without her explicit request, I would be beyond annoyed.

Besides, sharing brushes can spread lice, so it's a completely bad idea anyway.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Thanks! I've actually seen that website and book. I use some of the ideas. I do still use shampoo on dd (though actually a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner...) without it didn't work as well somehow. Tons of conditioner and comb out in the bath. Spray with detangler and comb/brush/fix in the morning.

If I really want the curls to be pretty (pictures or special occasion) I add a touch of aloe and water when I fix in the morning.

NO dry brushing or combing.

It's also getting easier a little longer. The whole toddler mullet didn't help.









-Angela


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

On curly hair and shampoo- I think there is a difference depending on climate too.

Since it's always 100% humidity here I think we tend to need more stripping than those in drier climates









-Angela


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## Missinnyc (Aug 21, 2003)

I don't brush my long, thick, wavy hair very much. I comb it after a shower, and let it air dry, and don't brush it again until the next evening (night showers). My DD has the same hair, and basically the same routine. Her hair is usually clean, but I don't think little kids should worry too much about grooming. Hygiene, yes, but grooming no.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:

Lastly, it is not my place to make decisions, especially as trivial as hair, about another person's body. I am happy to comb and do dd's hair any time she asks. I also suggest it when I think it is time. Usually dd agrees. When she doesn't that is fine too. This is such a tiny thing to get worked up over. The only reason I bother to respond to the thread is out of pure amazement that anyone would judge another parent or kid over something so ridiculous. You have no idea what the reasons are for any given kid to have messy hair. In true neglect, there are going to be other signs. In absence of those signs, one should assume there is a good reason (and I believe a kid not wanting to have their hair combed is a good enough reason) and find something else to fret over. Like *gasp*, that kid's SOCKS don't match! Eeek! They will NEVER get a job if they do not learn to match their socks!!!! Call CPS!
ITA with Yooper....

My child's hair is her choice. She has long beautiful hair that falls halfway down her back (we have never cut it except for bangs in front). She is tenderheaded and is terrified of hairwashing -- (although she loves bathing and swimming and we have never forced hairwashing...go figure).

I brush it when it is agreeable for her. Since her hair is straight and fine, I can *finger comb* it pretty well and she doesn't mind that, as I do that just as a form of affection.

Washing though... wow I don't think dd has had her hair washed in months. *sometimes* I can do a game with a damp washcloth and a *tiny* amount of lather from a shampoo bar -- but that is rare. I am thankful her hair isn't oily so it *appears* clean most of the time.

To me having battles over things isn't worth the potential of damaging our trust or connection. To me, anytime you force someone to do something against their will (no matter what the justification), there can't help be but a bit of resentment (at least) left over. We don't work by force in our family, we work by mutual respect and by mutually agreeable solutions.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
hmh: you didn't just post...my children just love having their hair done up, so I oblige. You posted that you have rules about how your stepdaughter is allowed to wear her hair. You posted about a child in your care who's hair you tended with a tone of pity. And unless tending the children's hair is a normal part of your work duties, I think you overstepped in not checking with the child/parents first to make sure it was okay for you to do that.

My kid's head, my kid's choice. Guidance doesn't mean making rules. We talk about things. I voice opinions. She voices opinions. She has difficult hair and a sensitive head. If a child care worker brushed her hair without her explicit request, I would be beyond annoyed.

Besides, sharing brushes can spread lice, so it's a completely bad idea anyway.


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## Milkymommy (Apr 30, 2002)

It's weird, it never occured to me to not brush my DD's hair everyday. It has always just been part of the routine like brushing teeth.

My DD has fine curly hair. She has a sensitive scalp, but we have gotten her some really soft brushes that she does not mind using. I let her use good quality shampoo and conditioner and she combs her hair with a wide tooth comb after showering or bathing.

She likes best for her daddy to do her hair, but he can only do one signature style: low ponytail with a clip/bow stuck to the side of her hair. If she wants something fancier, mommy has to do it.

If her hair is a disaster, I hand her a headband or stick a bow on top of her head. Then at least it looks like her hair is somewhat done.

My dd is kind of known for always having her hairbows or clips match her outfits. She likes it and it's fun for me.







:


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
ITA with Yooper....

My child's hair is her choice. She has long beautiful hair that falls halfway down her back (we have never cut it except for bangs in front). She is tenderheaded and is terrified of hairwashing -- (although she loves bathing and swimming and we have never forced hairwashing...go figure).

I brush it when it is agreeable for her. Since her hair is straight and fine, I can *finger comb* it pretty well and she doesn't mind that, as I do that just as a form of affection.

Washing though... wow I don't think dd has had her hair washed in months. *sometimes* I can do a game with a damp washcloth and a *tiny* amount of lather from a shampoo bar -- but that is rare. I am thankful her hair isn't oily so it *appears* clean most of the time.

To me having battles over things isn't worth the potential of damaging our trust or connection. To me, anytime you force someone to do something against their will (no matter what the justification), there can't help be but a bit of resentment (at least) left over. We don't work by force in our family, we work by mutual respect and by mutually agreeable solutions.
















:


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
hmh: you didn't just post...my children just love having their hair done up, so I oblige. You posted that you have rules about how your stepdaughter is allowed to wear her hair. You posted about a child in your care who's hair you tended with a tone of pity. And unless tending the children's hair is a normal part of your work duties, I think you overstepped in not checking with the child/parents first to make sure it was okay for you to do that.

My kid's head, my kid's choice. Guidance doesn't mean making rules. We talk about things. I voice opinions. She voices opinions. She has difficult hair and a sensitive head. If a child care worker brushed her hair without her explicit request, I would be beyond annoyed.

Besides, sharing brushes can spread lice, so it's a completely bad idea anyway.

First of all, I'm not dumb. Nobody shares a brush. You can get combs at most grocery stores for very cheap prices, only a couple dollars. We buy a bunch of combs at the beginning of the school year and each child uses their own. We have several African American little girls in our classroom. Obviously, if their hair is braided or something like that, we're not gonna take the braids out or whatnot. The funny thing is, in all the years I've taught, in all the years my coworkers have taught, I've never heard of a single parent complaining because their child's ponytail came out and we put it back in. Most parents seem very happy to hear that we're taking this extra time to clean their child up before they get picked up and every year we have two or three children who come in with combs or hair brushes before we even bring out the ones we bought for the children. I've seen this in four different daycares. We also wash their faces and hands when they get dirty and change their clothes when they get wet of muddy. Also on another note, maybe I'm not the Mother of the little girl in my class, but if the other children are noticing her hair and commenting on it, then it certainly is my business.

Secondly, if it's a safety or health issue and my children need something one way, then they're doing it that way, whether they like it or not, I'm gonna have rules, whether they like it or not. My son gets headaches when his hair is in his eyes. So do I, for that matter. My stepdaughter gets uncomfortable and sweaty when her hair is down in the summer. Did I mention she's pretty much not allowed to wear her hair any way but down, even in the summer at her Mother's house? They both complain when their hair is making them hot or when their hair won't stay out of their eyes, so we fixed that. It's their bodies, but until they're adults, it's my job (my Hubby's too) to make sure they know how to take care of their bodies. If they want to wear sandles when it's snowing out, I don't care if it is their body, they're gonna wear boots instead. If they want to wear a turtleneck in the middle of the summer, they're out of luck. Same goes for if they want to stay up until midnight and then sleep 'til 10 am. Sorry, if there's school the next day, I'm not letting them do it. Some things just need to be parent led, not child led and my rules work for my children in my house. Sorry if you don't approve of my rules.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
Also on another note, maybe *I'm not the Mother of the little girl* in my class, but if the other children are noticing her hair and commenting on it, then it certainly is my business.

Why? I would be LIVID if DS came home from school and they had combed his hair. I would feel that they were overstepping their boundaries.
You are not the mother, and it (hair being brushed and styled) is NONE of your business, unless the child is experiencing pain.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
Secondly, if it's a safety or health issue and my children need something one way, then they're doing it that way, whether they like it or not, I'm gonna have rules, whether they like it or not. *It's their bodies*, but until they're adults, it's my job (my Hubby's too) to make sure they know how to take care of their bodies. If they want to wear sandles when it's snowing out, *I don't care if it is their body*, they're gonna wear boots instead. If they want to wear a turtleneck in the middle of the summer, they're out of luck.

If you actually let them go out in the snow in sandals, what do you think would happen? DO you REALLY think they would stay out there? Or do you think they would realize their feet were FREEZING and get appropriate footwear on? Same thing with the turtleneck in the summer. Besides, if they want to do something that makes them hot, why do you care so much? DO you think they don;t have the sense to change the situation before getting heatstroke or frostbite? When will you stop choosing their hairstyles and clothing options for them? 12...13....maybe 18?

This is WAY controlling, IMO

Another thing, It must be very confusing for your poor stepdaughter who gets to wear her hair one way with mom, and then is forced into another with you.


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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

I brush my 20-month-old's hair several times a day: once in the morning and before we go out each time. It just never occurred to me not to actually. I do it quickly so she doesn't get mad. I like being well-groomed, and I like her being well-groomed. If she were more sensitive, I would definitely brush it less or try alternatives (like finger-brushing or a comb or something). I don't judge other parents by whether or not their children's hair is tidy, but for our family, I think teaching grooming skills early on is important (I rate brushing hair right up there with brushing teeth and bathing).

And for what it's worth, I'd had no issues with a childcare provider brushing or fixing dd's hair occasionally if it was bothering her or to spruce her up for birthday pictures, etc. As long as she had her own brush/comb, I wouldn't care. I'd think it was nice, to be honest. Now if they were just "playing" with her hair or doing it for no good reason, that would be a different cup of tea.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
Another thing, It must be very confusing for your poor stepdaughter who gets to wear her hair one way with mom, and then is forced into another with you.









Very biased opinion, considering my posts are up there for everyone to read. Perhaps you didn't get it. Let me make it clearer... My stepdaughter *ASKS ME TO DO HER HAIR AS SOON AS SHE GETS HOME*. My stepdaughter asks her Mother to put her hair up, alot in the summer and often in the winter and her Mother *WILL NOT PUT HER HAIR UP WHEN SHE ASKS HER TO*. Oh, yes, sure sounds she "gets to wear her hair one way with her Mother" and the is "forced into another with me".









And if a little girl in my class in getting picked on by the other children because her hair looks a certain way, that could most likely be fixed, then yes, I have every right to try to make it right, it is in every way my business. Her Mother actually didn't care that I fixed her hair. We've fixed it twice since and her Mother still hasn't minded. If she had minded, we would have had a talk about the other children picking on her daughter and if there was anything we could do to remedy that, by working with the Mother as well as with the other children in the class.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
we do have two rules (which would apply to our son as well, if his hair was longer)- if it was really hot out, one way or another, the hair needs to be up and off the neck and the hair can not be hanging in the eyes.

hhm: Here is where you say that you have rules about your stepdaughter's hair. If she's loving it, fine and dandy.

If you have a rule about it, I don't understand how it can be her choice one way or the other. I think it's been pretty well established that this is not a health or safety issue. It's an issue of aesthetics.

If a child in your facility is being picked on by other children for some aspect of their appearance, I see it as your job to encourage the other children not to use social aggression. If she was being hit by the other children for having freckles would you use lemon juice to lighten them?

Are you sure the mom doesn't mind? Have you asked her? Are you saying you have a child in your care being picked on by other children and you have not seen fit to let the parents know? How old are these children?

Have you asked the child if she enjoys having her hair brushed, or combed with a cheap comb, by you?


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
hhm: Here is where you say that you have rules about your stepdaughter's hair. If she's loving it, fine and dandy.

If you have a rule about it, I don't understand how it can be her choice one way or the other. I think it's been pretty well established that this is not a health or safety issue. It's an issue of aesthetics.

If a child in your facility is being picked on by other children for some aspect of their appearance, I see it as your job to encourage the other children not to use social aggression. If she was being hit by the other children for having freckles would you use lemon juice to lighten them?

Have you asked the child if she enjoys having her hair brushed, or combed with a cheap comb, by you?











....and....ibtl







jk

....also, you said if it is a health or safety issue it is your business. How exactly, is messy hair a health or safety issue????


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dubfam* 
If you actually let them go out in the snow in sandals, what do you think would happen? DO you REALLY think they would stay out there? Or do you think they would realize their feet were FREEZING and get appropriate footwear on? Same thing with the turtleneck in the summer. Besides, if they want to do something that makes them hot, why do you care so much? DO you think they don;t have the sense to change the situation before getting heatstroke or frostbite? When will you stop choosing their hairstyles and clothing options for them? 12...13....maybe 18?

This is WAY controlling, IMO










Totally agreed!! My daughter is 27 months and tells me if she is hot or cold and asks for my guidance in helping to remedy it... maybe she is going to be a rocket scientist







.... maybe, but I believe all (or most, barring special needs and the like perhaps) children are capable of that if given the chance.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
I think it's been pretty well established that this is not a health or safety issue.

Your opinion or mine?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
If a child in your facility is being picked on by other children for some aspect of their appearance, I see it as your job to encourage the other children not to use social aggression. If she was being hit by the other children for having freckles would you use lemon juice to lighten them?

Are you sure the mom doesn't mind? Have you asked her? Are you saying you have a child in your care being picked on by other children and you have not seen fit to let the parents know? How old are these children?

Have you asked the child if she enjoys having her hair brushed, or combed with a cheap comb, by you?

Funny you should ask...
Asking if I'd lighten a child's freckles if it was getting that child picked on is just silly. A child born with freckles and a child with uncared-for hair are two different things.

Am I sure the Mom doesn't mind? Yes, I'm sure.
Have I asked her? No, I didn't need to- she offered to bring in an extra hair brush and she did.
A child in my care being picked on and me not letting the parents know? Well, you must not work in daycare. Do you honestly think we're gonna tell every parent every incident that happens with their child? Uh huh. "Joey had a bad day. Johnny called him a poopyhead three times and and Jimmy hit him with a block. Then, Jasmine told Joey that she didn't like his shoes and Julie said she wasn't his friend. During lunch, Jordan spilled his milk on Johnny, but that might have been an accident and right before you came to pick him up, Josie told Johnny that she wouldn't be his friend if he played with Jeremy." If it's something that happens all day every day, of course we have a meeting. If it's something that's just starting to happen or something that we can work on at school without worrying the parents, then, yes, we'll try that first. Sorry to rain on your parade, but there's only so much we can do for a child in daycare. Seeing and hearing everything that happens with your child (Ratio for my age group is 7 to 1- I only have two ears and two eyes.) and then reporting every little thing is impossible.
I work with older twos, all threes and early fours and yes, they can be really mean sometimes and yes, they can be very sensitive- crying hysterically because their friend called them a pickle- things that wouldn't even phase most adults.
Did I ask the child if I could fix her hair? No, I tied her to a chair and didn't let her up 'til I was done.







But I did ask her if I could comb her hair. I'm sorry, should I have phrased it to her as "cheap comb"? I really didn't think it mattered to a three year old, as long as it didn't hurt...
Seems you assumed alot.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
Totally agreed!! My daughter is 27 months and tells me if she is hot or cold and asks for my guidance in helping to remedy it... maybe she is going to be a rocket scientist







.... maybe, but I believe all (or most, barring special needs and the like perhaps) children are capable of that if given the chance.

My son has Asperger's Syndrome. He doesn't always know what's appropriate to wear with the weather and he rarely knows what is socially appropriate to wear to school. But that sure doesn't mean he's dumb.







: I can tell you he's a heck of a lot smarter than many, many children I've known and, some of the things he creates and thinks up, he very well may grow up to be a rocket scientist. His social health is the thing that's most important for his emotional wellbeing right now and I'd be doing him a great disservice to "just let him do whatever he wants". And my little girl is learning what to wear outside when it's snowing and whatnot and she's learning how to dress socially appropriate- if she wears pajamas to school she might get picked on or if she wears her hair one way for a certain activity, she's gonna have trouble brushing it out later. (By the way, she *HAS* gotten picked on as well for having really messy hair at school.) She never knew that putting her hair up in the summer would cool her off or that she would love the way her hair looks in braids if I hadn't introduced it to her, so should I have just let her figure it out herself, let her cry that she's uncomfortable and let her figure out herself how to fix it? I don't think so. Why should I be critisized or have my children's intelligence questioned because of my parenting skills, because I chose to help them out instead of letting them sink or swim? Because something works for you and your children, that makes it the only right way to do things, and I'm completely wrong if I don't do it your way, even if my children are happy and healthy and it works for them doing it my way? If my Mommy instincts tell me to leave them alone in one area and help them more in another area, am I wrong by doing so?

This thread is not going in the direction I had hoped. I had hoped to see other parent's perseptions so that I could understand a different view, not be critisized for mine. I wish I could say it's been nice talking to you, but I'm not sure it has. I'm gonna bow out of this thread. I'm done.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Assumptions *will* run you into a pack of trouble. Nope, I used to work in a preschool. If a kid was "getting picked on" the parents were informed. And no child would have been allowed to have been picked on for any aspect of their appearance.

Messy hair is not a health and safety issue. Red herring and silliness. Please cite one instance of a child falling ill from messy hair.

My child has difficult hair and a sensitive head. She also has freckles. She was born with both. And she is worthy of respect exactly the way she is.

Perhaps your facility would like to consider buying this book:

http://www.amazon.com/This-My-Hair-T...9655586&sr=8-1

The children in your care are depending on you. It seems like the least you could do is ask them if it's okay with them to do their hair. And accept their answer. A child that young doesn't need their hair to look any particular way. And a 3 year old would not notice another child's appearance unless the setting emphasized it.

And having spent many many hours with hair that is difficult, I can tell you that the difference between good tools and cheap combs in the experience of the comb-ee/brushee is dramatic.

If your son needs a particular structure, go for it. But skip the pity and judgement of other parents and kids Thanks anyway.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:

My daughter is 27 months and tells me if she is hot or cold and asks for my guidance in helping to remedy it... maybe she is going to be a rocket scientist







.... maybe, but I believe all (or most, barring special needs and the like perhaps) children are capable of that if given the chance.

Um, I didn't assume your child wasn't smart -- I wasn't saying special needs children _weren't_ smart, I implied that my child was _no more_ wonderful or smart than most children because she can self regulate and that I believe most children are capable of that -- unless they have special needs that would interfere with what I believe is the instinctive knowledge in most children of when they are cold/hot etc....

How you got that I was calling your kids stupid or something is beyond me....

Oh well back to the subject at hand....

It seems to me that you are upset at feeling criticized for your criticisms! I mean, cmon now. You created a post basically criticizing people for not keeping their children's hair to your standards, then feel upset because you are being disagreed with.

However you want to do your children's hair is your business...and however my child wants to wear her hair is _*her*_ business, not yours... or even mine, unless it is a true health or safety issue. This is not. It is not a matter of opinion, it is a matter of definition that _most_ people agree on.

Messy hair will not render you ill. Messy hair is not a safety issue unless you fall down a flight of stairs because it is in your eyes







(unlikely) ....

The fact that you are making value judgments all over the place as to parenting skills, homelife, family values and so on ... based on whether a child has well coiffed hair or not is staight up ridiculous to me and I am not surprised that you are attracting judgment on this matter from a place like MDC.


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## dubfam (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
Why should I be critisized or have my children's intelligence questioned because of my parenting skills, because I chose to help them out instead of letting them sink or swim? *Because something works for you and your children, that makes it the only right way to do things, and I'm completely wrong if I don't do it your way, even if my children are happy and healthy and it works for them doing it my way?* If my Mommy instincts tell me to leave them alone in one area and help them more in another area, am I wrong by doing so?


No.
But you are wrong for judging the other parents who don't do things YOUR way. Read the bold part, but picture it being said by a parent who isn't (in you OPINION) brushing their child's hair often enough.

Hair brushing is not about health or safety...my son can't even have a brush put through his hair or it will ruin it. When you post really judgmental, controlling stuff like this, and then ask if you are nit picking, don;t be surprised when you get a response like this!

It is fine to put your daughters hair up but you have said that even though it is her body, she does not have a choice about it. That's is the problem in my book, that even if she told you she wants to wear her hair down that you wont let her!!!


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## chann96 (May 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Thanks! I've actually seen that website and book. I use some of the ideas. I do still use shampoo on dd (though actually a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner...) without it didn't work as well somehow. Tons of conditioner and comb out in the bath. Spray with detangler and comb/brush/fix in the morning.

It's also getting easier a little longer. The whole toddler mullet didn't help.









-Angela

Awesome. I really find my hair easier to deal with when it's longer too. I think the weight helps to pull the kinkiness out a little bit and settle it down. I've also learned (largely through that book) how to cut the ends of my hair so it doesn't end up a mile wide. Saves me tons on hair dressers. I do a better job than almost every hair dresser I've ever been to. I now haven't been to one in 5 years and have never been happier with my hair.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
On curly hair and shampoo- I think there is a difference depending on climate too.

Since it's always 100% humidity here I think we tend to need more stripping than those in drier climates









-Angela

Gotta love the humidity with curls. Best thing I've found is leaving in a lot more conditioner so weigh it down. LOL And then there are the days where it just goes up in a bun.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chann96* 
Gotta love the humidity with curls. Best thing I've found is leaving in a lot more conditioner so weigh it down. LOL And then there are the days where it just goes up in a bun.

Exactly. I would have to do things MUCH differently if we lived somewhere drier. When we have a "dry" day around here (few and far between, let me tell you







) it's a whole different ball game.

Just conditioner and no more tangles spray keeps it nice and curly usually









-Angela


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## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

Just a few more data points...

My older child, from toddlerhood, had hated having his head touched, hair brushed, anything. IT's probably sensory. We had to switch haircutters after our old one tried to shame him into submission (he was sitting in her chair weeping every time she trried to neaten up around his ears). Even now at 7, he submits grudgingly to the clippers (we have him "shorn" like a sheep every few months) -- ONLY to avoid having to have his hair brushed or combed.

My DD was one of those babies who was almsot bald for 2 years. When she finally grew some hair, it came in very fair, very fine, and quite curly. She will consent to gentle brushing, which we do once a day if possible, but *will not* consent to any hair clips, ties, scrunchies. "They pull. They hurt," she says. And the curly hair springs back into separate curls that look unbrushed after only a few minutes.... so I'm sure there's a legion of preschool moms who think I frightfully neglect her.

My mother, when I told her one of the Haircut Horror Stories about DS, was of the "just do it!" camp -- until she remembered her own childhood. Her grandmother's idea of a "fun grandma daughter day" was to take mom to the beauty salon for a wash and set. Mom said, "Oh, I remember it was so awful, it felt like torture to have my hair done by someone else.."

I remember feeling teh same way at DS's age. I think it runs in the family....

So if the stepdd in the OP *wants* her hair done, that's one thing. But I think a rule that everyone has to have their hair put up is - not necessary and could be the cause of unpleasantness and trauma.


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## Redifer (Nov 25, 2006)

I brush DD's hair once a week, and only after she's taken a bath/shower. She's 3, so she gets bathed about every other day.. but her hair doesn't get messed with.

Shampoo/conditioner mess her hair up, as does brushing it. In it's natural state, yes, it's messy, but it's also gorgeously curly and thick. It's wild, but that's why I love it. She's a spirited, high-needs 3 year old. Her hair matches her demeanor. It suits her. Brushing it and coiffing it and taming it takes away from her overall appeal.

On top of that, she hates it. And on top of that, I brush my own hair maybe once a month. I have long, THICK, slightly wavy hair. It looks FAR better unbrushed than brushed. It's slightly wild, like I just came off a fun ride at a park or rolled out of bed after a good nap.

My biggest thing is: she's 3. She has the rest of her life to do her hair. I don't want to start the hair thing for a while. I don't need her thinking that her hair isn't fine just the way it is, naturally. That's not what I want to teach her; her hair is AWESOME the way it is all on it's own, and gets complimented regularly. Why mess with success?

ETA: I have to argue against the "dating in high school" or "job interview" grooming correlation, along with the "wrinkled stained clothing". I take GREAT pride in what I wear. My clothes are stain-free, in good condition, and ironed if called for.

In high school, and STILL to this day, I was/am a hot commodity. I'm a redhead, so that in itself brings it's own attention. But I have been told, time and time again, how my hair is "just sexy enough, just fun enough, and just serious enough to be approachable" and how I have perpetual "love hair". All because I just roll out of bed in the morning, finger-tousle it, and go about my day.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
This thread is not going in the direction I had hoped. I had hoped to see other parent's perseptions so that I could understand a different view, not be critisized for mine. I wish I could say it's been nice talking to you, but I'm not sure it has. I'm gonna bow out of this thread. I'm done.










What direction did you hope for?

I see people agreeing with your position that children should be well-groomed and their hair brushed, and people disagreeing with you. What other perceptions did you want?


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## astrophe27 (Aug 27, 2007)

I brush in the morning and at night and DD wears her hair in a chin length bob. Keep sit simple for all of us. Her bangs are kept cut out of her eyes. We follow shampoo with conditioner in the bath.

The hairdresser suggested a satin pillowcase to help prevent tangles and knots because baby fine hair like that is prone to it.

A.


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## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

I didn't read the whole thread but wanted to pop on for the mommies dealing with curly hair for yourself or your kids.

My 4 year old has really curly hair. It knotted, tangled, broke off, ect. I could not comb it unless she had just gotten out of the tub from a 5 minute conditioning treatment. But, if I didn't comb it at least once a day it would start to dread by the next morning (great if you want dreads but we did not)

I asked hair dresser after hairdresser for advice and tried lots of products, nothing helped. Then I started using a product called Biosilk. This has saved my daughter's hair and my sanity. I am able to find it at the local grocery store, Target, Meijer, ect. If I put on a decent amount (a silver dollar size 2-3 times) after a good conditioning I am able brush it out while wet and her curls all fall into place nicely. The I can usually finger comb it for a good 4-5 days (I spray it lightly with water first) It is a bit pricey but totally worth it as we don't fight about her hair and it almost always looks good. I think this is the product, the shape of the bottle is right but the print is a bit different.
http://www.biosilk.com/silk/

Here is what the bottles I find in the store look like http://www.i-medica.com/Merchant2/me...tegory_Code=BI


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Thanks mommyto3girls...I've gotten the best tips on ways to help dd1 with her hair here at MDC....I thought that was what this thread was about the first time I clicked....







:


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

My oldest son has sensory problems. I never brush his hair. Ever. It's fairly long, but doesn't tangle easily. My dd has a chin length bob and doesn't usually get it combed/brushed every day. If it looks bad, we comb it. Otherwise, we leave it alone. My almost 2 yo ds has long hair, and I try to run a comb through it everyday because it's finer than the big kids' hair and tangles easily, especially because he likes to rub his head on the back of his carseat.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
And my little girl is learning what to wear outside when it's snowing and whatnot and she's learning how to dress socially appropriate- if she wears pajamas to school she might get picked on or if she wears her hair one way for a certain activity, she's gonna have trouble brushing it out later. (By the way, she *HAS* gotten picked on as well for having really messy hair at school.)

And, with respect to different perceptions...

DS1 had hair down to his waist by the time he was about 6. He got picked on for "looking like a girl". He and I had a discussion about whether or not he _wanted_ to cut his hair, and whose opinion of his hair really mattered the most. He decided that he liked his hair, and if the other kids didn't, that was their problem. He finally decided to cut it when he was 12. I have absolutely no interest in teaching him that he has to dress a certain way, or wear his hair a certain way, in order to win social approval. If he _wants_ to play the "win everyone over" game, that's his business. But, I don't see it as my job to teach him that he has to fit in. I'll help him do so (to the best of my ability - I've never been very good at it myself), if that's what _he_ really wants.


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