# Is 3 a "bad" number of kids?



## EllieB (Nov 14, 2003)

My dh is very much set on having 3 kids, I am still trying to make up my mind and overthinking everything in the process







. My current concern is with the "odd number". I don't think I want 4 kids, my dh is sure he only wants 3. I feel like w/ 3 one will always be left out. I can look at every family I know of with an odd number of kids (including my own) and pick out the child who is kind of "on the outskirts" so to speak. Not that the other 2 don't play with him just that generally it seems 2 children will form a tight bond and the 3rd just kinda tags along. Anyone else have any experience w/ this? I feel like if I stick w/ 2, my dd and ds will most likely be close but to add a 3rd may mean one of them being the loner. Anyone else have any experience w/ this? Maybe it doesn't matter as much as I fear it does?


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## Daffodil (Aug 30, 2003)

I've always thought 3 was a GOOD number, based on my own experience. In my family, there were 3 of us kids at first, then a 4th (oops!) who came along a bit later. We 3 older kids all played together a lot and got along pretty well. (The 4th was kind of left out because of being younger.) A lot of the time it did seem to be 2 against 1 - but which 2 and who was the odd man out was always changing, depending on our moods at the moment. In families with 2 kids, it seems to me that they often end up being constant adversaries, since each of them only has the other to compete with. With us 3 kids, each of the other 2 was sometimes my adversary and sometimes my ally, and I think it kept us from settling into a situation where one kid just didn't ever get along with another. I think we all liked each other better than most siblings seem to like each other in 2-sibling families I know of.

Having said all that, though, I will admit that my brother (kid #3) and I (kid #1), were (and still are) each other's favorite siblings, and we did spend more time playing with each other than either of us spent playing with my sister. My sister says now that she often felt left out. (But she and I were also good friends as kids, and still are. In fact, I just moved to Vermont so I could live near her.)


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## Joyce in the mts. (Jan 12, 2003)

Hello...

I have three grown children, 24, 21 (within days of turning 21), and 18. 3 is not such an odd number.

My children get along fine-even over the rougher spots, and there were some, but they pass easily. They are supportive of one another very much and very very encouraging of one another. And they, all three, are close. Sometimes two of the three get together sure, but that never has been an issue of one being left out, but one of availability.

My oldest is more serious, my daughter in the middle is getting to be that way so is more drawn to her older brother than ever, and the youngest supports them both in their growth and pursues his own way...which is also beginning to get more serious. He works with my oldest, so they have their own space that is where their intimacy happens that they share. And the youngest respects the oldest very much.

It's all appropriate for all of them. We have always stayed out of their relationships with one another and trusted them to learn what worked and we respected that. Easier said than done but practice makes perfect.

See things really even out even when there is a rough spot or two because they can't help but learn from each other over the years. If parents learn to allow and let the children lead the way...without second-guessing and so on, there is room for growth and fun and natural progression through life. Our family has very little if any friction in it. We enjoy alot of relaxation together and it is really wonderful.

My oldest paved the way for the others in school, in growth, in life. They love him and he loves them. But he had his friends and spent alot of time with them...staying overnight when appropriate, or hanging out with them after school. He was the guy everyone wanted to push them on the swings because he was/is big and strong. Everyone likes/loves him...and he is very generous and very loyal, which is a big part of why his siblings love him, admire him, and trust him so very much.

They all have their own way of being too, so I think actually....it comes down to personality and so on....and is not anything we should feel weird about. My kids worked it all out from the beginning.

For instance, my two boys (the 24 and the 18 yr. old) played together alot...they built stuff together. My daughter was never interested in that at all. She loved books, doing beadwork, playing dolls, studying and spent alot of time with her girlfriends at their houses. She had her own way.

While my daughter, played with her dolls...my oldest also played with her with dolls in a nice "daddy" way because of witnessing the example of his dad being a tender kind of father with the youngest, but also enjoyed playing with tools and doing construction with his younger brother when that time came.

See? they really are ok as 3.

They all played together as kids and swam together and listened to books together and read to one another. I used to do alot of walks with them, I did visualizations with them, and we did alot of art together. I was always a SAHM....and a bigger kid than any of them, enjoying them so much.

They were each far enough apart to develop their own way and their own friendships from early on, so their diverse social paths eliminated the whole "left out" thing. But they enjoyed being together too.

Just here to say that 3 kids is wonderful and fun to watch growing up. I love my 3.

Sure we thought of having 4, but really...by then the others were pretty grown and a fourth would have been like an only child. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it just didn't work for us as we considered it.

So there you have it from a mom of 3. I hope that something I have shared here, helped with your discomfort or shed light at least on the potential realities of 3 kids.

By the way....my personal experience of being one of two children: My only sister died when I was 17. She was 10 years older than I. When she passed on...my parents withdrew from me very naturally, and turned to comfort one another. I was the odd man out and like I said, it was not their fault. Turning toward one another is a very natural thing in my mind. But for me, when I had two kids, a boy and a girl...I had to consider what might happen if one of them were to (gods forbid) pass away...and I decided that even numbers allowed someone to be left hanging in that scenario.

We all have reasons for choosing the number of kids we have...including that it just kinda happened that way.









Oh and let me add, that my kids suffered personal losses in the last few years: first in '99 they lost their grandfather and were present when he passed and they really helped one another out and helped us too. And a couple years ago...they lost a friend they had in common (small town), who was in fact a friend of all of us, a very young man (my daughter was in love with him for a long time actually)...and they not only helped to comfort one another, but reached out to the community to help others too. It was a proud moment for me to see how compassionate they all were to one another and to others.

Children just learn what they live I s'pose.

May your family grow to be loving, strong and present for one another.

Blessings...Joyce in the mts.


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## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

I think there is a tendency for the oddball out syndrom in a three child family (I grew up with two siblings and I had three children for almost five years before child four was born so I know of which I speak)

But.....when you *know* this is a tendency you have the ability to work with it.

Every number of children has its own challenges there is not magic perfect number of children.

Debra Baker


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I love having 3! Mine are 16, 13, & 5 (dont know where he came from :LOL).

Having 4 would bother me, i'd have to have 5. Even numbers bug me.....and if i had 6, i'd have to have 7.

None of my three is the odd man out, probably because of the age difference. My middle son doesnt really seem like the "middle child" mostly because he was almost 9 when the little guy came along.


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## saturnine25 (Mar 26, 2002)

Hi- I am the oldest of 3 and just wanted to tell you that we haven't ever really experienced the "odd person out" syndrome. There have been periods in the past where each of us has been a little more detached from the other two, but it has rotated from sibling to sibling depending upon where the individual was at in life, something which I think was quite natural and would occur regardless of the number of siblings involved. I wouldn't worry about it too much, I enjoy having two siblings!!


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## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

I grew up one of three siblings and liked it very much. The house felt full without being overfull. The dynamics of three is more interesting than that of two while still being manageble. I really think sibling rivalry of three is less than two because there isn't such an urge to compete for parental attention since you get more attention at the peer level and less attention at the parental level (and so Mom's attention isn't the end-all, be-all of your life).

It was perfect for play, enough to really get a pretend game going but not too many to turn into chaos.

I think three is the perfect number for me and am very worried that I am starting too late to make it.


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## sonya_mamafor4 (Sep 5, 2003)

O.K. I guess my thoughts on this are different from most that have posted. I'm the oldest of three and I have always thought that it was a horrible number. I went through the "odd man out" my whole childhood. Who was left out changed depending on feelings and what was the activity,but most of the time someone was left out. That I have to say affected how many children I wanted. I decided that four would be the perfect number and wouldn't you know it but I married someone who decided that 3 was the most he was willing to have. Then the twins came and well...that took care of that.lol








Of course,now I would just love to have another baby and I wonder how I would feel about having five and if I did have another would I feel like it should be 6 to even things out again.







: So while I thought I'd call it quits at four now I'm not sure and will just have to wait and see.
Good luck on what ever you decide.
Sonya


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## Kylix (May 3, 2002)

I am one of three and I personally am leaning towards wanting three kids when I start my own family.

Having said all that, the odd man out syndrome did happen in my family and looking back I see that and feel guilty.
My sister that is less than two years older than I were always super close (up until the dreaded adolescence) and now having moved past that stage, are finally close again. Closer than I am and ever have been with my eldest sister who is more than four years older than me.

Lately, all three of us have started to bond but growing up it was often the two of us and then her. More than likely, she didn't mind as she was a bit older and had her own interests and friends but it definitely happened.

I do worry about that if I end up having my own set of three but as Debra said, each number of children has it's own problems (I can find many with a set of two) and if you are aware of them, you can deal with them as they come.

Kylix


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## ComeOnLetsGo (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm from a family of 3 kids and dh and I have 3 also...on purpose! I loved being from a 3 kid family and always planned on having 3 myself. Wouldn't have it any other way!


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## jeca (Sep 21, 2002)

Well I am a mother or three and the sibling of three. I always felt that three was a good number also not odd at all.

I can't really say right now about the kids the baby is still young but for the most part they do play well together considering their ages.tehy are very close.

There was three of us as children and I think it worked well.I'm the firstborn, my brother the middle and my spoiled baby sister being the baby. the only problem I really had was my sister and I are waay to many years apart to suit me. but we all played well as children considering and I would like to think we were close. There's only two of us now and I really miss not having a "middle".


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

I'm one of three and always felt the odd one out. But part of that might have been because my sisters are identical twins. However, we were always better balanced when we had foster kids in the house, evening us out to 4 or 5 so it wasn't always 2 against 1.

I want at least 4 kids myself.


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## EllieB (Nov 14, 2003)

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your experiences. It really helps in my thinking it through. Even hearing about negative experiences people have had helps b/c if I do decide to go with 3 I will know what problems may come up and hopefully I'd be able to help them all get along and not exlude anyone. I am one of 5 and I never felt left out as a child, but there was a definite "pairing off" that occured. Looking back, and reading all these responses, I think my parents just didn't do much to encourage us all to get along and interact together.


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

I just wanted to add that I am the first of four, and 'odd man out' can occur even with an even number of children. In my family, three of us are really close, and the fourth (the second child, my brother) is not so close. Of course the dynamic changes over time (I was obviously not so close to my youngest brother, who is 10 years younger than me, until he was a bit older), as long as you don't encourage children to pair off I'm thinking their arrangement will be flexible and at any given time, they may be able to pick a 'favorite' but probably won't be averse to interacting with the third child, if that makes any sense. At any given time the dynamic may change, and it makes for no real long-term problems in my opinion, since this is kind of a model for friendships in the larger 'world'.


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## magnoliablue (Dec 29, 2002)

Mama, I have three and I can say I do not have that "odd man out" situation...though my middle child is also the only girl, so maybe that has something to do with it. I know our youngest has done things sooner than his sis and bro, and that his milestones came faster and perhaps there may be less pictures than our firstborn in the albums, but three is a good number for us. They are all unique, they all have their own interests and personalities that make the dynamics in our home always change. I think too much attention is paid to different stereotypes like middle child syndrome and only child syndrome. Though I do not doubt these theories have basis in fact..I think that if you lavish love on each child independently and love them for their differences and individuality, you will never find yourself having one child that pulls away from the rest.


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