# Right, I wrote to Oprah!



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

...and here is what I wrote:

Dear Oprah,

You are such a good advocate and an inspiration to so many women, and people in general, so perhaps you will understand my story. It's such a gray area - such an "unspoken" topic.

We lost our daughter Josie Jae, and almost me as well, when my placenta detached from the uterine wall at 38 weeks pregnant on October 10th, 2008, killing my daughter just minutes before birth, and causing me to lose half of my blood volume in an emergency cesarean that was horrifyingly unexpected.

The grief was absolute. I am not the only one - thousands of women lose their infants every year, and it still remains a topic that is pushed underground, leaving women like us in agony, with no birth certificate. Because our infants were born without breath, they receive a "certificate of fetal demise", and are not recognized as human beings at all.

Despite many of us, myself included, buying baby things and rejoicing, preparing, we are not allowed to claim them as dependents on our taxes for the year they died - however, had they taken just one breath, they would have been recognized as humans, and not fetuses who had never been born properly. Thus, we are left with enormous, practically un-payable bills and no recourse at all. The whole event is a staggering loss, and then we are punished terribly on top of it.

Our daughter, Josie Jae, has a website. She looks as though she is sleeping and is utterly beautiful. If you would like to see her, it is: http://www.josiejae-eytcheson.last-m....com/index.php

I know this email will pass through many hands, but I hope you do get to read it. Things have to change - how can we not classify these babies as real human beings, in a country that is meant to be great? Should we continue on unheard? I don't know. We want to try again, because life has to continue and I want to hold a living baby, but it's so hard to venture ahead when the little one you left behind is not allowed to be human.

Yours truly,

Jeanne (Jay) Bowyer

I would have written a bunch more but the website had a 2000 character limit. Even if Oprah never gets to read it, I felt good getting that out to someone inspirational who might actually be able to draw enough attention to the issue to change some things. God only knows we can't! I could make cookies and post them off to the government but delicious as they are, they probably couldn't change a darn thing!

Anyway just thought I'd share that!







*HUGS* to all! XXX


----------



## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

WOW, JayJay! Cool. That was a really well-written and clear letter. 2000 words is simply not enough!

I hope you hear back from them. I was thinking of writing to her too, because stillbirth, miscarriage and birthing loss is such an undiscussed topic. We just grieve, eternally, those of us who have lost a child we never slept with, or fed, those of us who lost a future we fell in love with. I loved my Lucia not simply because she was my daughter but also because she was part of a future I wanted. We have to reinvent this life now. How do we do that? There are some of us have the means to talk with someone about our pain, and others of us suffer silently, not wanting to alienate friends by talking about this pain they can't understand for years...Anyway, I thought Oprah would find a compassionate healer to talk about this grief for us who suffer, and for the friends and family who want to be there for us. She just has just a wide reach and a huge impact on the collective consciousness (and conscience at times).


----------



## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

What a great letter. I hope she does a show and it makes a difference.

Hugs to you!


----------



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

That is great Jay! I remember waiting in the hospital for someone to bring the birth certificate for us to sign, like when we had Gwen.. but they didn't, and then it dawned on my that it says "certificate of live birth" and thought how horrible that my baby, who lived inside of me for so long, gets NO recognition! Not even any type of certificate at all.. it's very painful. Also the tax thing - it's insane that we can't claim them for at least the year of their birth..so unfair.


----------



## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

great letter, jayjay...

I wasn't even given a choice of what I wanted done with my last baby who was still born at about 19 weeks...

When I thought to ask it was too late and of course silly me thought she had just got thrown out with the trash I cried and cried because of that..

later I talked to a nurse and she informed me that she would have been cremated along with other human tissue.. which made me feel a little better but still we had wanted to cremate her and spread her ashes somewhere...

I am still upset that we were not given a choice....


----------



## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh Marilyn, that is awful. It's actually what happened with Harry's first daughter as well - she was disposed of too. It's horrible that they don't even think of asking you... *HUGE hugs* hun XXXXXX


----------



## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

she was a perfectly formed baby, just really small... how could they not think to ask what we wanted done??

and I was too out of it to ask about her till a few days later....


----------



## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Marilyn,

That is so awful. I hope that anyone reading this post knows that they have EVERY RIGHT to care for the remains of their child, no matter what gestation, in the way they see fit. I learned a lot when our son died about this, but if anyone goes through this you have a right to your baby. The hospital almost didn't give our son back to us but I pushed HARD and they released him to a funeral home who cremated him. I remember that terrified feeling I had when they were telling me I might not get him back. It was awful. Big, HUGE hugs to you. I'm sorry.


----------



## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Jay,

Your letter was really well written. It's a travesty that stillbabies don't get birth/death certificates. I remember the first time I dealt with a woman who lost her baby and it was so horrifying that there was such trouble getting official recognition. The explanation I've been given multiple times is that it stems from pro-choice politics. If you give a death certificate to a stillborn, do you give one to an aborted fetus? If they get a death certificate, does that mean they were alive? That they have rights like a "wanted" newborn? And then things get messy. It's a similar reason why they don't give anesthetic to fetuses that are being "reduced" by KCl injection, and a host of other issues like that. I personally think it's horrid, but not much can be done at this point.

Reading your letter prompted me to revisit Josie's site. The picture of you holding her with tears in your eyes really struck a chord with me. It summed it all up.









And Marilyn, that's awful. Even my OB asked me if I wanted the remains after my D&C. Since I had nothing to do with them I chose to let them go to pathology.


----------



## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Go, JayJay!!
I have written to her twice before, once recently and once
right after my son was born still -
but I never got any sort of answer.
Maybe more of us need to write and make more noise
about this uncomfortable, "hush-hush" subject.
It shouldn't be: _Way_ too many wanted babies are born still.
Did you know - about 27,000 each year in the U.S. alone?!!


----------



## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

So well written! I remember reading somewhere that Oprah had a stillborn baby when she was in her teens. Maybe this will strike a chord with her. Validating our loss is something that really needs to be addressed.







:


----------



## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Manessa* 
So well written! I remember reading somewhere that Oprah had a stillborn baby when she was in her teens. Maybe this will strike a chord with her. Validating our loss is something that really needs to be addressed.







:

yep her little boy died when she was around 15 i believe, it would be nice if she would do a show. it would probably be emotional but thats a good thing, as far as getting people to really think about it kwim?








to all of you


----------



## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

Beautiful letter.


----------



## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

That's wonderful!! I have a friend who is facing obstacles b/c her son too was not issued a birth cirtificate and has no rights.

You have a lot of support her JayJay....even if you are able to make a difference in just one person's life it's worth it isn't it?


----------



## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I do not think she is going to respond. She herself had a 2nd tri loss when she was very young. Sadly I think this is a taboo subject for Oprah.


----------



## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

yeah for you! great letter! keep us updated if you hear anything!


----------



## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Things are a little different here in the UK - Emma received a certificate of stillbirth which we had to take to the registrar's office. They then issued a death certificate, the registrar also gave us a copy of her stillbirth record - which is similar to her siblings' birth certificates. The registrar even gave it to us in a birth certificate folder identical to her brother and sisters. I hadn't realised how fortunate I was - that my daughter was acknowledged like this.

I really hope your letter has an effect JayJay


----------



## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
Things are a little different here in the UK - Emma received a certificate of stillbirth which we had to take to the registrar's office. They then issued a death certificate, the registrar also gave us a copy of her stillbirth record - which is similar to her siblings' birth certificates. The registrar even gave it to us in a birth certificate folder identical to her brother and sisters. I hadn't realised how fortunate I was - that my daughter was acknowledged like this.

I wish they did this in the US.

Great letter, JayJay!


----------



## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

Great letter


----------



## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

There are states that give out Certificates of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. The MISS Foundation and volunteers from each state are trying to get all states to do this. About 23 or so do it now. http://www.missingangelsbill.org/default.html

There is a beautiful video with interviews from families who lost a child talking about wanted a certificate such as this. It will bring tears to your eyes, so don't open if you aren't ready for that.


----------



## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Great letter!! And even if Oprah doesn't read the letter or respond or nothing, I'm glad you got some healing from writing the letter. HUGS momma!


----------



## mollyb33 (Dec 29, 2008)

Great letter! Good for you for writing.

For me personally I find it very upsetting that stillborn babies aren't counted in infant mortality rates. Countries care about their infant mortality rates because it's a measure of the health of the country. Research is funded so that the rate can be improved. That stillbirths aren't counted seems like a lie to me. That makes me feel like Colden doesn't count for anything, that he wasn't important to the world at large.


----------

