# I don't want to hear about it..rant



## usmcwfe (Aug 17, 2006)

Ok, I don't know if this is the place to bring this up. I hope so because I don't know where else to go with it. I found out that I had a blighted ovum at 8 weeks, last week. This was our 3rd loss this year. My dh is deployed so I'm doing this one alone. I have family around but its still a solitary journey. Because I am with family more and more people seem to be finding out about this, mainly from my mom and mil. I feel like people are jumping on this sad event just because its something interesting to talk about at work, its a sad story and its a great thing to gossip about. Anyway, if thats not bad enough last night someone came up to me and said that they thought that I was probably having these mc's because my husband had some vaccines that all military men and women get. And that they've "seen some studies" that indicate that women are having problems like that. Sure, maybe thats a far off possiblity but I wanted to scream " IS THAT YOUR PROFESSIONAL OPINION?!!" and throw my drink at their head. And then I got a call today from another individual offering their diagnosis for our fertility issues. Totally inappropriate!!!!







I just feel like this is our (meaning me and dh) problem to work through. And this isn't a community effort. I'm trying not to be bitter or angry but I'm just so sick of people giving me advice on something they need to stay out of. I'm sick of hearing the phone ringing at my parents house and hearing my name in a whisper and then the typical "And she's alone, it must be stress....so sad.." crap. And the most frustrating part is they all think they are helping me.. Arggg... Do I need an attitude adjustment or is this really as crazy as it feels?????







:


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

if it hurts you, then you have every right to feel upset.

can you be more upfront with the people in your life about protecting your privacy...
for me, my losses are very VERY private.

it is hard b/c in some ways i want every one to know so that they know to treat me more gently
but on the other hand, it is such a private private struggle, and VERY few poepl eVER say the right thing, i had a hard time even going out in public for fear that i will see someone who "knows" and i don't even want them to look at me with their knowing looks.

ironicaly with my most recent loss, i am very intrested in hearing ANYONE'S opinion about why this happened....i am desperate for clues.

i have had one m/c at 12 weeks
one still birth at 20 weeks (i ended the preg b/c of a birth defect that would not allow the baby to live out side the womb.)
my live dd is 3
and this yr i had a still born dd at 41 weeks from a placental infection.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

Oh, I can so totally related. My MIL and FIL have very huge mouths. Not only did they announce two and a half years ago to the entire world/family I was pregnant but also that I miscarried...this is when we had not told anyone about the pregnancy (including our parents because we were waiting till after new insurance kicked in to get it diagnosed).

Now, my MIL and FIL are again telling the whole world about our daughter's stillbirth. It is one thing for someone to put it in their prayer requests at church (they did that at the place my son goes to Preschool at), to keep my family in their prayers...but for MIL and FIL to discuss it with their Chiropractor and then to get a sympathy card from a total stranger just is not right.

(For all the details on my IL's loud mouthness read MIL Strikes again post).

So, I can totally feel for you in this. I don't want to forget my child, but to constantly be reminded of her and her not being with me is really hard. Heck, I don't even want to goto my post partum check up, because I don't want the reminder of it. I am doing good with things, until I am reminded of my loss.

Good luck.


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## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

to you. Just remember that no one wants to cause you more pain. People may not say the right thing, but usually when they do say something it's because they feel like they should say something, or they just genuinely want to help or at least to reach out to you.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now and your reactions to people might be a little stronger than they otherwise would be. You're not just sad about your loss, you're probably pretty angry too. It's a natural stage of grief.

When somebody says something, take a deep breath and tell yourself, "they are trying to be helpful, they just don't know what to say." And, how could they know what to say? I've had two losses myself, and it doesn't necessarily make me any wiser. I could say something to you that was helpful to me when I was going through it, but it may trigger another reaction from you.

Wishing you more peaceful times,
Judi


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

i know! (melissa)
speaking of getting sympathy cards from total strangers...

my in laws have been members of their church for generations, and it is now a pretty big church (of a religion that i pretty much want no part in)

but when we have a loss we get tons of cards
TONS
b/c it would look bad if the other members of the church did not honor our baby b/c my in laws are like church "royalty"
does that make sense?

my dh has been deeply astranged (purposely) from this church for about 15 years.

so the older folks in the church are sending us these sympathy cards with the thought process of "sorry your baby died, but b/c you have turned your backs on god, you are going to hell" Not those words but that thought. not all of them feel that way about us, but many do...and PS, we have not turned our backs on god, by any means, we just do not go to their church/follow their value system.

and the newer members of the church are sending these cards (not knowing the situation of my dh's distaste for their church) but to suck up to my inlaws b/c they are older more powerful members.

does that make sense?

never mind that i do not know any of these people
and my dh barely remembers even a small portion

sometimes with the card, a woman will share a story about her own loss of a child. those are touching....some are even losses that happened 40 years ago, and the pain those women still feel, etc

but it is weird, none the less....

the crazy things people will say to try and make sense of it all for themselves...they feel moved to make sense of it to you.

a man told me it was ok my baby died, b/c we all love babies and we have to have some babies to play with and enjoy when we get to heaven.

someone (stranger from in laws church) sent me a card of jesus in a rocking chair holding an infant.

some send a card and just sign their name....
like no personal words, just "wanted to give you what halmark thinks about your dead baby, hope THAT helps!"

now those things totaly upset me. i thought they were almost gross and ridiculous.

but to another person, those things might feel comforting...to picture my baby in a rocking chair with jesus is insane to me.
but what ever.

lash out when you need to loose your sh*t.....remain calm when you feel a greater sense of faith and centeredness...
in my opinion, you are exempt from rules about how to act, period.
there is no script for this kind of grief....and you are allowed to be any amount of sad/angry/crazy/sweet/faithful/honest any time you feel like it, and allowed to change it in a moments notice.

and my favorite line to give people when they look at me like i am a freak is:
my baby just died.

that shuts up any one really quick.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

I'm sorry you are going through this.









Remember that your hormone levels are plummeting right now, and you are grieving for your lost little one, and losing a 3rd one is very scary. There is a ton of stuff going on now that would make anyone feel a little crazy. It's real, you have every right to feel this way.

Establish whatever boundaries you can. If someone starts a conversation you don't want to have, tell them you aren't going to talk about it--and DON'T. Don't let anyone bully you into listening.

Tell your parents to stop whispering about you on the phone, just to tell people you are doing okay.

Let it loose here, we will listen.

And now, I'm about to do what is driving you crazy. Sorry. For you and Moma Justice, multiple losses are not normal. Find a doctor who takes this seriously. A reproductive endocrinologist can do a lot of tests to help evaluate what may be causing this. And I have moved on from my RE, because she found nothing and doesn't know how to help me stay pregnant. So I'm not saying an RE is a miracle cure, but for you, they may be. The new clinic I'm seeing mentioned that even a low grade uterine infection may not be noticeable but could interfere with pregnancy. Thought of you MJ, with your dd's placental infection. Search until you find some answers.

Thinking of all of you mamas.

Keri


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## StacieM (Oct 13, 2006)

Yikes - I don't know how I'd be able to handle that. First of all, blighted ovum is not because of stress or anything wrong with you or your DH. I am m/c for the same reason as I type.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else. I know I don't want "help" from anyone right now except DH. I don't need people telling me they can imagine how difficult it must be or giving me reasons as to why it happened or may be for the best etc. Very few people know and I'm glad right now. The ones who know, know how to act about it so that's great. My mom is the only one who knows I'm pg that I haven't talked to since I found out for sure this pg wasn't going well. I just don't know what to say or how. Maybe when I see her, but I can't do it over the phone or in an e-mail. I told her I was pg because I knew I might lose this one. She's been through losses and I know would genuinely know how I feel. KWIM?

For what it's worth, I don't think you need an attitude adjustment. You need time and space to feel whatever you're going to feel and deal with this in whatever way you need to. I'm sorry others are interfering with that for you.


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