# Stillborn sensitive question



## juliajaj (Sep 4, 2002)

I have a very sensitive question regarding a stillborn baby. First of all, I would like to appologize if my post offends anyone. It isn't meant to offend. I just need help understanding a situation.

One of my coworker's was pregnant and due the 1st part of December. She lost the baby on August 8. I don't know all the details, but to my knowledge she delivered the baby, but it was still born. Back on July 29 her doctor detected some type of problem with the baby & said it wouldn't survive (once again, I don't know the details). Of course, she has been off of work since her doctor told her this & is expected to return the 1st part of September. I can't imagine what she is going thru. They didn't want to find out if the baby was a boy or girl & opted to have the hospital handle everything instead of having a private family service & burial.

I guess I'm not sure what my question is, but I just need a sense of closure on this. I am Catholic, and if this happened to me, I would want to find out if the baby was a boy or girl, give the baby a name, have it baptized, and have some type of service for it. I'm not saying that I'm right & she's wrong, it's just the way I feel. After what length of time in a non-viable pregnancy is it possible to deliver and bury a stillborn?

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with this post. This is the first time I've experienced knowing someone who has lost a baby, so it's bringing up a great deal of emotions for me.

Thank you.


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## turquoise (Oct 30, 2002)

I think in this case it is best to remember that we all grieve in our own ways and to give your friend time. There is no "right" way to grieve, and if you want to help her, you should support her where she needs it or give her space when she wants it.

I'm catholic too, so I wrestled with the catechism on baptism with my losses. It wasn't the clear cut and dry that I was hoping for. But from what I found baptism isn't done or necessary in the case of babies who are born dead or who pass before they are baptized.

Here's a link to the catechism: http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_cs...2c1a1.htm#1250

Just support your friend, and let her grieve in her own time and way. I hope for healing in both her heart and body. It's so hard to go through a loss like this.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Maybe you would like to have a Mass said for your friends family and the soul of her baby. Talk to your priest about it. I think when you do that they give you a little card that says "Mass said at St Johns on Aug 31 for the Family of John Doe". You could give that to her, maybe along with a note telling her how sorry you are for her loss. I would also encourage you to mail it to her at home. When she comes back to work I expect she will be trying hard to maintain her 'game face' and accepting condolences will make that... well almost impossible I would think.


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## Eggie (Aug 7, 2003)

I am also Catholic and what I know (I happened to have a conversation about this with a priest a couple of months ago) is that a baby who was born dead didn't need baptism because was "born in to Heaven".

Quote:

After what length of time in a non-viable pregnancy is it possible to deliver and bury a stillborn?
I'm not a doctor but also in that conversation they mentioned that if you know that your unborn baby is already dead, you shall not wait more than 2 days, could be very dangerous for the mother and about the bury is just the same as with any other person.
What a sad situation for your friend








May God bless her


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

My daughter was stillborn at 28w6d, and a burial or cremation was required. We also recieved a fetal death certificate, that listed her name officially, our information, as well as a cause of death and burial information. I believe that the "cut off" date is around 24 weeks.

Carrie


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

When you lose a child around 20+ weeks it's usually considered a stillbirth. Before that it's a miscarriage or 2nd trimester miscarraige. I think it's just a matter of wording though. It's a loss just the same.

Most hospitals are very equiped to handle infant loss now. They have protocals on helping you hold, name and say goodbye to your baby.

It's going to be very hard to know exactly what your friend will need. It sounds like she's in a deep denial right now, but you can't make her move through the greiving any faster than she's ready to.

What you can do is be there for her. Do mention the baby and how sorry you are for her loss. Offer your support and see what her reaction is. She may push you away, but don't take it personally. She does need to know people are there when she's ready to move through this.

Offer to take a meal to them and do send a 'thinking of you' card. Then, you need to wait for her cues.

What a special person you are. Let us know how things are going


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