# When early loss isn't devastating



## jeminijad (Mar 27, 2009)

I've had two miscarriages- first, the fetus died around 9 weeks, but I didn't find out till 12 weeks, and passed it naturally soon afterward. Physically excruciating, for some reason. This was 3 years ago.

Second was a couple of months ago- really little more than a chemical pregnancy. I was something like 5 weeks.

Right now, I'm pregnant again, 6w2d. I also have a 20 month old daughter.

As I read the inevitable goodbyes in the May & June DDC from women who have early losses, I start to feel like I am hard. Hard, or strong, not sure which. Because I don't really think I felt much emotional pain in either miscarriage (even the one that felt like labor.) It is just the way things are... many pregnancies don't stick. There is a reason people didn't "tell" till after the first tri!

I feel for the women who hurt, but I just don't. Am I alone here?

It is okay if I am.


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## amyjeans (Jul 27, 2004)

fwiw I have been pregnant 9 times. I have 4 kids, and due in 2 months with baby #5.
I am sad because when I discover I am preggy, I get so excited, then I am dissapointed.
I accept it as the way things are- like you said. Sometimes they stick, sometimes not.
Maybe I am just supressing my feelings, but I like to think there is a reason for it all.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I had what would have been like a four week pregnancy or something. It was a super early loss. My period was just a week and a half late but I tested because of it and got faint positives.

Still, I didn't feel that pregnant, and I know miscarriage statistics, so I really was not that devastated.

But I believe life begins sometime after conception, like, several weeks if not more, so I guess for me that's part of it.

One thing that sucks is that I think my hair fell out anyway, even though it was only a couple weeks of the hormones! I am PISSED about that. WTF!!! I feel bad about worrying more about the hair than the fertilized egg, though.


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## my-j-angel (May 10, 2004)

I think the hardest thing about my miscarriages was lossing the HOPE of having more children. For me, with every loss the hope of having a big family got smaller and smaller and that was overwhelming.

remember, the mama's announcing their losses on the DDCs have just experienced them, they need some time to grief and digest their feelings. Also everyone is different, a couple who tried for years to get preg will understandably being very broken up by a loss at any stage vs. a couple who ie. has children, can easily get preg. and has had only one early m/c. Every situation is different.

Unfortunately m/c does happen but when it happens over and over again, it takes a toil on a couple.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I think some of it has to do with the circumstances as well.

I've had 2 losses- one where the pregnancy lingered, and they tracked my HCG for a month. Things were never quite right, but not definitively wrong enough to say that yes, I was indeed miscarrying until after the tracking. It ended with a D & C. It was the first miscarriage in my immediate family. It was a tremendous emotional rollercoaster for us.

The other was a loss of a baby who'd had a very good strong, heartbeat. It occurred on my DH's birthday, while he was away. And the loss was very much like labor. I ended up passing two gestational sacks. I was crushed.


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## familyaffair (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm having a miscarriage now, at 6wks, and I'm not emotionally devastated. Of course I am upset and disappointed and really, really fatigued but I don't feel like I "lost a baby" (as my mom not-so-graciously put it yesterday. Thanks for nothing, mom!). Maybe it's because I've read so many stories of true losses, like still births, and I feel like this doesn't even compare. And I have a beautiful three and a half year old who is still my baby (and she's been making me laugh and smile all day) and I would never compare an early miscarriage like this to loosing a child. It's all still pretty fresh for me and I might feel differently later but I feel like I"m being pretty strong and realistic about the whole thing, and I know that this stuff happens. If we were to have many more miscarriages, I'd start to feel less optimistic, but right now I feel like this isn't that devastating.

Thank you for this thread because these are feelings that I wanted to share but wasn't sure where.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *familyaffair* 
Maybe it's because I've read so many stories of *true losses,* like still births, and I feel like this doesn't even compare. .

I'm going to tread very carefully because I understand that you are in the midst of a difficult time, however, the bold part is really difficult for me to swallow. This is not a personal attack.
I know many women struggle with comparing their losses to that of others, I have too, but I definitely don't agree that miscarriage is not a "*true loss*".

For many, not only is it the loss of a child, it is the loss of hope for a family, the loss of innocence, the loss of joy in pregnancy. (especially for women who have no children!) As I read recently in my SANDS newsletter, it's "a little life, not a little loss".

FWIW, I realize not all women are this deeply affected by loss, and I am sure that the OP is not alone.


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

I think it's entirely possible to feel both ways at once. I sure have.

I lost my pregnancy/baby/fetus/hope for another child at 7 weeks, at the end of May.

I am 42 years old and have 1 breathtakingly loved 6 year old daughter.

We only tried for 2 months.

One of my best friends was (and is) pregnant with her second child. Our first two children at about 9 days apart and super close friends. These second children would be 7 weeks apart.

I don't know if I will be able to have more children.

I worked for many years as a volunteer abortion referral counselor, before abortion was legal in Canada. I have helped women gain access to abortion, twice using my own money.

I COMPLETELY accept that this is normal. I refused to allow people to treat me as if I was sick. In fact, I boarded a plane 2 1/2 days after my miscarriage and flew alone, as planned, to speak at my BIL's wedding to his new wife (his first wife, my sister, had died).

I, too, took no comfort from the "loss of a child" remarks; but those, above all, I KNEW were intended not to minimize my loss. I was actually really touched by this; but for me, if I had to think of this m/c as the loss of a child, I would have lost my mind with grief.

I also took no comfort from the "mother nature" comments, even though that's closer to my own belief.

I have grieved this loss tremendously and yet still find myself telling people "I was only 7 week..."

In many ways, it's been the most difficult loss of my entire life to categorize and get my head around. It was REAL, but it feels like a dream. I still long for that baby, who would now be here in a few months.

And at the same time no, I am not emotionally devastated. I never was, really. I cried and went through the shock, but it still felt like a normal life process. It's both.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milk8shake* 
I'm going to tread very carefully because I understand that you are in the midst of a difficult time, however, the bold part is really difficult for me to swallow. This is not a personal attack.
I know many women struggle with comparing their losses to that of others, I have too, but I definitely don't agree that miscarriage is not a "*true loss*".

For many, not only is it the loss of a child, it is the loss of hope for a family, the loss of innocence, the loss of joy in pregnancy. (especially for women who have no children!) As I read recently in my SANDS newsletter, it's "a little life, not a little loss".

FWIW, I realize not all women are this deeply affected by loss, and I am sure that the OP is not alone.

Thank you. I read that last night and was too pissed off to respond.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I had a 41 week stillbirth and a 6 week miscarriage. While I was devistated at the miscarriage at the time (about a year after our stillbirth), it was more along the lines of "AGAIN!?! Why?!", and I really only had that sense of loss for a couple months, verses our son who passed away, and we had a funeral for and pictures for--5 years out, I still feel that loss. I think for me, I had more time to bond with the baby and the circumstances surrounding his loss were just so very random and unexpected (he was completely healthy until birth, and then a medical mistake likely contributed to the loss).

I believe that live begins at conception and I always felt weird that I wasn't just as devistated and sad for our miscarriage as I was when I lost Ry, but for me, I just wasn't. Maybe it was because our stillbirth was still so new. I don't know.

Each person is different in how they mourn and the level of losses they've had in their life. The worse loss is your own because it's all you can really compare to. And when you have multiple losses, they affect you differently depending on the circumstances surrounding them.


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## familyaffair (Sep 27, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milk8shake* 
I'm going to tread very carefully because I understand that you are in the midst of a difficult time, however, the bold part is really difficult for me to swallow. This is not a personal attack.
I know many women struggle with comparing their losses to that of others, I have too, but I definitely don't agree that miscarriage is not a "*true loss*".

For many, not only is it the loss of a child, it is the loss of hope for a family, the loss of innocence, the loss of joy in pregnancy. (especially for women who have no children!) As I read recently in my SANDS newsletter, it's "a little life, not a little loss".

FWIW, I realize not all women are this deeply affected by loss, and I am sure that the OP is not alone.

Ahw, hugs sweetie. I know, and I didn't mean it like that. You know how hard it is to word everything perfectly in these little paragraphs. I was just trying to share my feelings about my situation as best as I could through a computer screen. I wish I could give you a big hug in real life and tell you I'm sorry for your loss and support you on your journey.


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## jtrt (Feb 25, 2009)

I have thought a lot about how to respond to this thread. Part of me wants to just let it lie and another part says doing so allows the myth that "miscarriages are not real losses" to flourish. I will tread lightly as to respect all feelings being shared.

We had three children in 2008 when we decided to try again. I then had three consecutive first trimester miscarriages. I went on to give birth to our daughter Christmas Eve 2009. In my heart, she is my seventh baby. I grieve the first lost little one as much as I grieve the last.

As a nurse, I know that pain is whatever the person experiencing it says it is. The gold standard for pain measurement is self-report. Such is grief. I have learned that grief is about the death of a dream. It is about the loss of a future you imagined. It cannot be quantified in days or weeks or dollars.

The pain one woman feels at a six week loss may seem disproportionate to some, especially if you try to compare it to other types of losses. All we know is all we know. That woman was pregnant with a human baby and now her baby is gone and her heart is broken for what she lost. That is all she knows. It is her experience and she is entitled to every ounce of feeling she has.

So many factors play into a woman's experience of pregnancy loss. If we have struggled to conceive, many days and weeks and months and years have gone into achieving a very wanted pregnancy. To lose that pregnancy is not to lose a "so-many-weeks embryo." No! It is to lose *years* of wanting and waiting and testing and hoping and crying and wishing and praying.

Perhaps a woman already has a child, or, in my case, several. This woman knows that each child is a unique and magnificent individual who brings a beauty and richness to her life that she would never have known without that child. To lose a pregnancy is to lose the opportunity to know that unique person.

Perhaps it was a struggle to convince dh to have another baby. Or perhaps it was a very happy accident that the pregnancy occurred. That woman has an even taller mountain to climb if another baby is to be conceived.

In the case of infertility, that lost pregnancy may represent tens of thousands of dollars the couple saved and begged and borrowed. Maybe there is more money for another try. Maybe there is not.

Grief is a very complex experience. One who grieves is not weak. Conversely, one who does not experience a profound sense of sadness is not "stronger." Nor are they callous or uncaring. The experience belongs only to the person living it. We can never know another's entire life history to truly understand what a loss means in the context of their experience.

Amy


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I'm so sorry.

I think the OP was more speaking to those of us that don't count our early losses as devastating losses. Of course, it's a loss to anyone. But it's not about bravery or callousness. It's just a different experience, different beliefs (and I don't mean religious), etc.

Quote:

This woman knows that each child is a unique and magnificent individual who brings a beauty and richness to her life that she would never have known without that child. To lose a pregnancy is to lose the opportunity to know that unique person.
I respect that many women feel this way.

I have two beautiful children. I don't feel that way about the lost embryo, or fertilized egg, or whatever it was. I don't think of my eggs, fertilized or not, as people.

But I wondered, having seen so many early-loss threads and the devastation they caused, "Am I the only one that is pretty much, 'meh'?"

I fully appreciate that loss can be devastating. I posted here because I really am mourning the loss of my hair more than those few little cells... which is really all it was to me. I'm sorry if it seems like we are saying that "miscarriages are not real losses".

I don't think that. I think it was a loss for me, but not a big, devastating one. Do you see what I mean? Probably much less devastating than it would be for someone facing infertility to see another big fat negative, you know?


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

I agree that grief is impossible to define or classify, and is completely different for each individual. I used to have a friend who claimed to have m/c after m/c, like 2 or 3 a year, and if this was true then she apparently had no regard for the embryos being lost. She was just, "yeah, had another m/c, so how about that weather?" Pretty cold, IMO. But looking back, you know, maybe that was just the only way she could cope with repeated losses. She wasn't infertile, had 4 kids naturally, and I guess maybe she just accepted without grieving that it was natural for her to conceive over and over but not actually gestate. Granted, when she lost a pregnancy that she'd really been _trying_ for, it tore her apart. But all the others, well, it didn't seem to matter to her one way or another.

I was always the other way. I still think about the one very early m/c I had in 2000, as well as the vanishing twin in my last pregnancy. I just deal with it differently, I suppose. To each their own. I think they're all true losses, but you can deal with them in whatever way suits your lifestyle the best.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jtrt* 
I have thought a lot about how to respond to this thread. Part of me wants to just let it lie and another part says doing so allows the myth that "miscarriages are not real losses" to flourish. I will tread lightly as to respect all feelings being shared.

Amy

Thanks Amy, I felt the same way. However, yet again, you are far more eloquent than I.


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## Milk8shake (Aug 6, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *familyaffair* 
Ahw, hugs sweetie. I know, and I didn't mean it like that. You know how hard it is to word everything perfectly in these little paragraphs. I was just trying to share my feelings about my situation as best as I could through a computer screen. I wish I could give you a big hug in real life and tell you I'm sorry for your loss and support you on your journey.

FWIW - I hate jumping all over things that people write, because I know that it can be hard to express your sentiments in type. I just couldn't let that sit.


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## javilu (Oct 20, 2007)

My loss was very early (4w3d) and my sadness was much more about the loss of hope and possibility of a new child, less about the individual because I don't know that there ever really was one. It's devastating to me in that regard - my son took over a year to conceive and I was totally surprised and happy thinking he would have a close sibling, since I never imagined we could conceive so "quickly" (6 months versus 15). Now, I am sad and scared that he will never have a sibling at all, that I will never nurse a little baby again, that there was something wrong with me all along and my son was a very fortunate "fluke." I think that's fair grounds for devastation even if I had never been pregnant in the first place.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I am very much pro-life, and believe that valuable, precious human life begins at conception...but my two losses (both around 12-13 weeks) did not devastate me as much as I have seen other women suffering. The losses hurt. I grieved, I still cry sometimes when I think about it. But it wasn't this crushing, numbing pain that I see others describe and it didn't go on for months and months. I didn't find it hurtful to attend my nephew's birth shortly after the anniversary of one of my losses (I found that, and living in the same house with him comforting and healing, actually). I don't find it difficult to see pregnant women or new babies.

I also have felt like I'm an odd duck.

I don't know why that is. I have become very stoical over the last several years. It's not that I didn't value those babies, or feel the loss. I think it may be that I just didn't have time to get to know those babies at all. It would have been harder had the losses been later. Probably much, much harder had I lost one after birth, after I'd held and smelled and kissed them.







I don't know how mamas who've had stillborn babies, or lost a baby to SIDS or some other problem survive.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

What cappuccinosmom said... My first was lost too early for me to even know I was pregnant until s/he passed. I got pregnant the next month and didn't really give it much thought. I finally gave him/her a name last year. I don't grieve over that baby though.

I was 8 weeks along with this one and very exited. I went through 4 days of bleeding and 2 days of labor before s/he passed. I wasn't able to see the baby but did see the placenta. I have cried. I am still upset by it and am longing for another baby, but I have 5 other children to care for as well and don't find myself dwelling on it too much.

I am not angry at other women for having babies and was excited to hold my nephew last week.

A couple of weeks before my second miscarriage, we were at the funeral of our pastor's baby who had a genetic defect. I totally believe that both of our babies were real babies and had spirits and all of that. But I can understand those women who have said a later loss feels more "real" to them. Yes, my loss was real, but there are differences too and I think I would be far more devastated in that situation.


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

My first one at 11 weeks was devastating. My 4 week one I was depressed for 4 months, until I got pregnant again, then I lost that one at 4 weeks. And for some odd reason, I got over the third one very quickly. I don't know why.

Grief is about different things, sometimes it's about the child that was lost (I believe, even those few cells, have a soul and an afterlife), and sometimes it's about the dreams & hopes, and sometimes both. Some women who struggle with infertility grieve deeply every single cycle they don't get pregnant, that's about the hope & dream. So I don't think the OP is stronger, because that would mean those who grieve deeply are weaker. You have no control over how you will feel. If we did those who cry everyday would decide not to. You were just fortunate to not feel devastated, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I don't really see the point of this thread. If you feel great good for you. No offense, but it feels a little like trying to make people who grieve to feel like they're just not smart or strong enough to get over it. I know that's not the intention, but that's how it makes me feel.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Quote:

No offense, but it feels a little like trying to make people who grieve to feel like they're just not smart or strong enough to get over it. I know that's not the intention, but that's how it makes me feel.
I'm glad you see that's not the intention.









I think this thread expresses the other side of the possible feelings--that we think something's wrong with us, or that others might think so, if we do not experience the loss with the same deep, crushing grief that we see in others. As far as I can see, there was no judgement at all, no judgemental language at all, directed at those who experience the loss in a more painful way.

It's not to make those who grieve so tremendously feel bad. It's to acknowledge that there's a range of normal here, and be open about our experiences so that someone who feels "abnormal" about how they deal with it can see that they are not alone, not sick, not uncaring, not all that unusual.


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## lokidoki (Apr 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
I'm glad you see that's not the intention.









I think this thread expresses the other side of the possible feelings--that we think something's wrong with us, or that others might think so, if we do not experience the loss with the same deep, crushing grief that we see in others. As far as I can see, there was no judgement at all, no judgemental language at all, directed at those who experience the loss in a more painful way.

It's not to make those who grieve so tremendously feel bad. It's to acknowledge that there's a range of normal here, and be open about our experiences so that someone who feels "abnormal" about how they deal with it can see that they are not alone, not sick, not uncaring, not all that unusual.

I would say exactly that! When I found myself in the midst of miscarrying and not so devastated...I felt like an odd duck. Sure I was sad and disappointed at the loss of the hope I had but I was able to get out of bed the next day and carry on with life knowing that I tomorrow to try again.

I absolutely do not begrudge anyone the right to grieve regardless of when they m/c'd or how. We all have the rights to our own feelings and absolutely no one here should feel badly about their own reactions to these kinds of situations ~ but for those of us who have not been so devastated it is nice to have some kindred spirits...just like for those of us here who have great devastation have kindred spirits. It is just nice not to feel like the odd duck out when it comes to your own experience...and it is nice to be able ot talk about it with others.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

I think that's fair grounds for devastation even if I had never been pregnant in the first place.
But they aren't devastating to everyone. Can we have a thread about apathy without people saying there's something wrong with that?

Quote:

No offense, but it feels a little like trying to make people who grieve to feel like they're just not smart or strong enough to get over it. I know that's not the intention, but that's how it makes me feel.
I don't think that is what is being said here AT ALL.







We are talking about OUR situations, OUR beliefs, OUR feelings. Not about your feelings. It's not a question, for me, of getting over anything. About being strong or weak. It just... wasn't there that much.

And whenever I hear that somehow, my feeling or lack thereof devalues other people's feelings, I think, "Well, I guess I better feel something different because I didn't mean to devalue anyone else. I was just apathetic."

Can't we say that we didn't feel that strongly without it somehow affecting your feelings?


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

I see the point of this thread. I also can't imagine a more sensitive forum than pregnancy loss and it IS tough to express our various experiences without affecting someone else. Emotions are running so high, even with those trying to express the idea that for them, this isn't the devastating loss it is for others.

I have taken something of value from those posters who have said it's just pointless to compare and I think that's so true and where we need to be really careful.

But I can also understand needing to have a place to explore other feelings besides devastation and deep grief. Maybe some mamas even have feelings like ambivalence or relief. I don't think that needs to take anything away from those of us who DO feel devastated by loss, early or otherwise.


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

"It is just the way things are... many pregnancies don't stick. There is a reason people didn't "tell" till after the first tri!"

This appears to be OP's response to people in the May/June boards who were expressing how devastated they were. I have no problem with a thread expressing your own feelings about your m/c's. But this was addressing other people's m/c's. I respect the OP's feelings, I felt the same way with my 3rd m/c. And again I know the intention in all of this is not to hurt anyone. But I did feel hurt by the quotes above and I can't help but say so. It's not a big deal really, I'm over it. I just like to talk...or post everything I'm feeling. Carry on!


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Oh. Well in that context I see your point about it affecting you.

I didn't realize that this was kind of a spin-off from another thread. Though, in theory, I agree with the fact that many don't stick, and I can't bring myself to get really excited about a pregnancy until mama can feel baby moving, I certainly wouldn't say that to someone who had a loss.

I can imagine being very devastated by an early loss.

It just wasn't my situation and I don't think that makes me brave, strong, stoic or smart. It's just... where I was at the time.


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## jeminijad (Mar 27, 2009)

I am the OP.

This wasn't a "spin off" of another thread. I am thinking about miscarriage, because I see the women post who have had them. I have also had them, and reacted differently than almost every post on the subject that I have ever read.

Thank you for those who have posted that they have had similar (non) feelings after an early m/c!

I honestly can't even worry about women who somehow find it hurtful that I don't hurt, and decided to talk about it. Because thinking about why I don't almost begins to hurt!


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