# What do you do when you are out with friends who parent differently than you, in re: free-range, "permissiveness"?



## pammysue (Jan 24, 2004)

What do you do when you are out with friends who have different expectations than yours on their children's behavior? We recently moved and I have become friends with two Moms who have children just older than DS1 (he's 3, they are 4 and 4.5). We agree on most parenting issues, EBF, co-sleeping, healthy foods, etc. But they tend to be stricter than I am when we are out and I am not sure how to handle it. Usually my child(ren) are doing something I approve of and when their children jump in they are told not to. Then I feel bad, should I stop my children so their children will stop too or let my kids continue since it is ok with me? When appropriate I steer all the children to a different shared activity, but that is not always possible.

Here are some examples (since I don't think I am being very clear):

Yesterday, we went to the beach. When it came time to clean up and get ready to leave, they both showered and changed their kids and asked them to sit on a low wall while we finished packing up and taking stuff down, about 20 mins. I chose to wait and change my kids at the car and use wipes to clean them up enough to get in the car. I just don't think asking a 3 year to sit and do nothing for twenty minutes is reasonable, so my kids were running around. I tried my best to keep my kids away from their kids and the things we were packing. But, they are kids so DS1 kept running up to their kids to play with them and seeing my kids running around, made them want to get up too. I made the decision not to force my kids to sit, so I did not stop them, but I could tell the other moms were getting a little peeved.

Then we went out to dinner. After dinner, they took their kids to the bathroom. Since mine were ok, we did not go but forgot to say goodbye before they went in. We waited outside for them to come out to say goodbye. My kids started running up and down the ramps. I was ok with this since my Mom or DH were with them and making sure they were well out of other people's way. One mom came out with her child before the others. Her child started to run with mine. The mom immediately grabbed his hand and said, "Nope, you need to stand with me."

They often ask their children to do things that I don't feel are developmentally possible. And their kids spend time in resturants playing on iPods or smartphones. I don't judge them, but we don't feel it is right for our children (and can't afford iPods or smartphones) so we spend time walking around or other distraction techniques.

One of my personal parenting philosophies is KISS (keep it simple, stupid). Which means making minimal rules so I spend minimal time enforcing rules and disciplining.

(Before I get jumped all over, my children are not allowed to run around in resturants or other places where they will be interferring with other people. We are often complimented on our sons' behavior when out.)

Anyway, what do you think I should do in these circumstances? Ask my children to do the same as theirs? or Let my children continue and do my best to keep them away from the others? or am I being to permissive? Do I expect too little from my children?

TIA


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## lkvosu (Feb 9, 2011)

Have you spoken to the other moms about it? Could you ask them whether or not it bothers them? The solution,or at least the answer to your question, might be just that simple. If it bothers them, and you really enjoy spending time with them, then maybe you could adapt to their standards when you'e with them. If not, then no harm, no foul.

Generally speaking though, I think we have an obligation to ourselves and our kids to stay true to our parenting principles, even when they make other people uncomfortable. So, if my parenting style differs too much from someone else's, and it causes an issue, then they may not be the best person to have playdates with, rather than changing the way I care for my children, especially if it's something I feel strongly about. If it's a minor thing, though, of course everyone should just try to be understanding and patient. It's never that easy and clear cut IRL though, I know.

I'm sure you're doing a fine job and that you're not being "too permissive". All that stuff is so subjective anyway. Just keep on doing what feels right to you.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I just let my dd do what we normally do for the most part. On the rare occasions when it is too much for a friend we go off on our own. I would however try to bring sit down toys to the restaurant instead of walking around. I used legos, k-nex, and a pad of special paper with a "mama" pen to distract my dd and teach her to stay at the table when she was younger. I also preferred restaurants with chips at the beginning of the meal so my dd could slowly munch while staying with the rest of the group.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

I think as long as your rules (or lack thereof) are not directly interfering with the other kids, then you should just stick to your rules. One kid came over to our house & told DS to stop blowing bubbles, that it's not allowed in the house. I simply told the kid that in our house, bubbles are allowed indoors. Silly example but you get the point!

Another example is that my DS is allowed to nurse while we're out & about, but a couple of his friends (who are still nursing) are only allowed to nurse at certain times. I know it's hard for them to see DS nursing when they can't (and hard on the parents who have to stick to their guns while their children ask & ask & ask!!) but obviously I can't just not nurse my kid because other people have different rules! So I feel like it's the same for your situation.

It's OK to have different rules, but at the same time there might be a few things you compromise on. To continue my nursing example, I have 1 friend who is not comfortable with us nursing openly at their house. So I make sure DS understands before we go there that he will not be able to nurse there, but if he _really really_ needs to he can let me know & we can find somewhere private. Works out just fine, and I do this out of respect for my friend's family since it is their home.

Other examples of situations where I might modify my rules a bit are when they might affect the other child(ren) -- physical invasion of their space, different 'sharing' rules, etc. I'm more of the 'let the kids work it out for themselves' type (as long as no one is getting hurt!) but some of my friends prefer to intervene, so when we are around them, I do intervene more quickly. I guess it's just a balancing act.


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## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

If your children are complimented for being well behaved in public, then I would guess they are fairly mild mannered. It could be that your friends kids are wild and need to dealt with firmly. I have a friend who is very free range with her 2 1/2 year old. She'll let her child walk a good 10-15 feet in front of her in our busy city. Her dd stops when she tells her. Of course I look like the crazy, hovery,helicopter mom because I won't even let dd walk next to her stroller near a busy street. Why? Cause my kid would run into traffic and get killed. She's impulsive and fast and not particularly obedient (I'm also 7 months pregnant and can't run very fast). I realize that my friend's kid is different and it doesn't bother me that she's free range, even if it means that I need to explain to dd a thousand times why she can't do the same stuff in public. I'm sure your friends understand. Unless you're allowing something totally off the wall I wouldn't worry about it.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I don't get stricter around stricter moms. It doesn't seem right to me that the strictest mom is always supposed to decide how everyone behaves. Why shouldn't the stricter moms lighten up? Or why shouldn't all the parents meet in the middle? So I've been in many, many similar situations over the years, and I've always kept my rules for my kids. Oh wait, one time at the park a girl was running off in the grass with my dd, and every time she went away from the play equipment and into the grass, her mom (whom I didn't know) yelled at her and spanked her. I pulled dd aside and told her what was happening and asked if she could just play on the play equipment until they left so the little girl wouldn't get spanked anymore, and she agreed. But generally, my rules stand for my kids.


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## hippiemombian (Jun 5, 2011)

I guess I tend to be more of a strict parent that has high expectations for my kids. Recently I was visiting my family and my little brother and sister are the same age as my kids. There were several things my kids weren't allowed to do because I didn't think it was appropriate and my mom made some very rude comments about it. I don't feel like my kids are missing out by not being able to run up and down ramps in public places or having to sit and wait for me to be done. For me its more of a safety thing, though. Public places my kids know they stick by me and are not to run off or lag behind. I personally find it annoying when I'm out to eat or whatever and theres kids running around, even if they aren't running into people. Generally when I'm around people who don't have the same rules as I do, my kids know, my rules go, no questions asked. I don't think you would make your kids sit on the wall and wait just as I don't think your friend should have let her kids run around with yours.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

my line when my kids were small was "different families have different rules, and following the rules for one's family is part of being in that family." It made sense to little kids -- who LOVE their mommies and daddies and LOVE being in their families.

(this wouldn't work for teens, who, for the most part, would be perfectly happy to try out being in someone else's family if it seemed like a better deal)

I was the mellow mom with the running kids.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

Why do you need do anything? Are they asking you to make your kids follow your rules? If not, just doing what you want and they'll keep doing what they want.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *funkymamajoy*
> 
> Why do you need do anything? Are they asking you to make your kids follow your rules? If not, just doing what you want and they'll keep doing what they want.


This. Unless it's a possible safety issue. And this is coming from the strict mom whose kids have to sit on the wall and wait quietly.

That being said, when there is a big discrepancy or it's causing a disruption (like since the kids are running amok you can't get everything packed up before they trample sand through it AGAIN), then I'd try to rein in all of them and try to either meet in the middle or go with the stricter rules for that moment just to move things along and avoid frustration.

We have friends with VERY different rules and it's hard to have playdates at our house. Only recently, DS has been able to remember to not follow the other kids, but to let them know that jumping on the furniture is not allowed at our house. It's been frustrating, but once the kids with stricter parents are old enough to understand, it gets easier for everybody.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I don't do anything. I have certain rules for my kids and I expect them to follow them even if another kid isn't expected to do the same. If my kids are doing something another parent doesn't allow, I do keep mine from trying to get theirs involved but that's it.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alyantavid*
> 
> I don't do anything. I have certain rules for my kids and I expect them to follow them even if another kid isn't expected to do the same. If my kids are doing something another parent doesn't allow, I do keep mine from trying to get theirs involved but that's it.


I agree. There will always be parents that are more strict and less strict than you. Just do what works for your family.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

Here's the thing: You need to accept them and their parenting and they need to accept yours. Some of my friend's discipline (non physical) I find horrifying and some of them have said to me "I don't do enough" My DD is 22 m/o! WTH am I suppose to do?

She is a baby...unfortunately their kids are too and they expect adult things from them and then brag that "their kid cleans up all of their toys etc" Well I do not expect that from my baby and I don't think it's good for them to either. (one parent confessed she thinks she made her 23 m/o OCD b/c now every time she plays with anything she has to put it back right away and flips out if another baby is over and starts taking out toys)

The reality is these are your kids and I wouldn't even bother asking the other parents what they think b/c they obviously think they are doing what's best for their children anyway...


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *swd12422*
> 
> This. Unless it's a possible safety issue. And this is coming from the strict mom whose kids have to sit on the wall and wait quietly.
> 
> ...


At the same time I fully believe my PP, I will say at other people's homes we do our best to follow their rules and if I feel the rules are too strict or out of DD's range of ability we just don't go there. I certainly don't want other kids to come to my house and start hitting people (which is basically our only rule "Nobody hits anybody") and I think it's a lesson in itself to say "x,y,z are the rules at B's house and we need to respect her home"


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

You parent the way you parent and let them parent the way they parent. No need to say anything. People have rules that they feel should be followed no matter where they are. Some have stricter rules out in public then what they would maybe at home. I think when it comes to terms of respecting other people stuff/people at their house its best to try to be on top of it even if it isn't something you generally do. Or just avoid going to their house which I probably wouldn't do either since it just seems silly to avoid places based on rules alone. But thats just me.


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *new2this*
> 
> Or just avoid going to their house which I probably wouldn't do either since it just seems silly to avoid places based on rules alone. But thats just me.


I don't know, I might avoid certain situations where it bothers me the most though. Like the OP mentioned the situation at the beach. It sounded like the other women were getting annoyed and I bet the OP was too, feeling like she has to keep her kids from running up to the other kids who have to sit on the bench while trying to load up her car, etc. Maybe there are better places to get together, like the library, going for a walk at a park, or something? Or maybe try to figure out a solution for next time like offering to watch all the kids while the other moms pack up? Then they could shower off their kids and OP could clean up her stuff and pack with her kids?


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## Tjej (Jan 22, 2009)

Hmm... I don't know if the ramp thing bothered the other parent from what you said, but the beach thing was probably annoying - at least it would be to me. Although I tend to be quite strict and would have had my kids on the wall, if I knew I was out with you and your kids would be running around, I would have done things your way so as not to frustrate my kids. Maybe you are just all still learning eachothers' styles, so they (and you) just need a little more time together to make things work better. Kids do understand that different families have different rules, and you do have a bit of advantage as far as the other kids understanding about you being lenient because your child is younger.

There are a fair number of people I know that let their kids do a lot more than I do at a restaurant. I don't actually like eating out with other people with kids much, because it makes for a stressful time for me. I mean, fast food - fine. But a real restaurant with a kid running around at all - not fine with me. So I just don't go out ot real restaurants with many people and their kids. We do fast food or we eat somewhere else (home, park, etc.) or just go as adults or whatever. It sounds like you really don't like how your friends deal with restaurants (quiet, hand-held games) and they might not like how you do (walking around). Maybe sit-down restaurants aren't a good venue for you all to enjoy one anothers' company.

I know I have some friends that are stricter than I am, and some who are less. When the other parents are more strict, I tend to consider before I let my child do things if that would be acceptable for the other kids. I find it kind to the other children to look out for them and to not try to entice them into trouble. But when I am enforcing my rules and they are more strict than someone else's, it doesn't bother me that they are more lenient. I am the parent of my kids and I am happy with how we choose to live.

Tjej


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

I could see myself getting annoyed but it wouldn't be so much at the mother for allowing different rules. I would use it as a way to tell my kids life isn't fair I am your mom and in this situation what I say goes. Some things are/will be debatable others its a do as I say type situation. And so thats why I wouldn't avoid going places on other's rules alone.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lindberg99*
> 
> I don't know, I might avoid certain situations where it bothers me the most though. Like the OP mentioned the situation at the beach. It sounded like the other women were getting annoyed and I bet the OP was too, feeling like she has to keep her kids from running up to the other kids who have to sit on the bench while trying to load up her car, etc. Maybe there are better places to get together, like the library, going for a walk at a park, or something? Or maybe try to figure out a solution for next time like offering to watch all the kids while the other moms pack up? Then they could shower off their kids and OP could clean up her stuff and pack with her kids?


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## Susan Kunkel (Jul 13, 2005)

My children follow my rules. I have told them different families different rules. I used to live near the beach. My sons would be the ones with arms full of beach stuff running down the board walk.


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## Czarena (Nov 15, 2010)

A quote for you

"Nothing is more important to me than my relationship with my children, that includes your opinion." - Jenna Robertson


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## Czarena (Nov 15, 2010)

btw, I tend to end up distancing myself from those parents. Not because they are wrong, they are doing what they feel is best for them. But because I can't handle the stress of worrying. I don't want to feel like I need to be more strict with my children, try to enforce different rules for someone else's comfort, etc. So I end up not putting myself into that position. Just like I tell older children - remove yourself from the situation if it's uncomfortable.


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## 1love4ever (Jan 5, 2011)

OP, I have the same problem with a neighbor even though our kids are only 18 months old. I agree with keeping it simple and minimal rules, I dont think kids should be prevented from being kids, running around is only natural, and as long as you or someone else is there to supervise and make sure they are not disrupting anyone, I do not see the harm.

Anyway, my problem is that my neighbor will yell at, point her fingers at, and spank her 18 month old for things that he does that half the time are just an accident, or if she even THINKS he is going to do something wrong, she will yell and spank, and it makes me sad. I will allow DD to run around in the yard if we are talking right there for example, but sometimes for no reason she just wants her son to stand by her, and if he does not she spanks him and yells at him while DD is running around causing no harm and just being a kid....

I feel that it is up to each parent to decide what is best for their child and to do what is best for them, not what others think is best for their or your children. You chose to let your kids run around instead of making them sit for 20 min which sounds reasonable to me, that was your choice. Maybe the other moms will see that there is no harm in letting their children just be kids, and maybe it is actually good, because the kid that runs around outside more will likely be easier to deal with when its time to go home because they had time to run around and play, if they just sit then they will still want to run and play at home where they may not be able to.


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## mambera (Sep 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> She is a baby...unfortunately their kids are too and they expect adult things from them and then brag that "their kid cleans up all of their toys etc" Well I do not expect that from my baby and I don't think it's good for them to either.


Slightly OT, I don't know your DD so you may be right about her specifically, but in general I think it's totally developmentally appropriate to teach a 22 m/o about putting toys away. The 18-24 month group at my DD's Montessori is expected to put each toy back on the shelf before they take another, and none of them have any problem with this system. I'm not sure why you say it wouldn't be good for them?


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mambera*
> 
> Slightly OT, I don't know your DD so you may be right about her specifically, but in general I think it's totally developmentally appropriate to teach a 22 m/o about putting toys away. The 18-24 month group at my DD's Montessori is expected to put each toy back on the shelf before they take another, and none of them have any problem with this system. I'm not sure why you say it wouldn't be good for them?


I agree. We've always lived in the city, hence in a relatively small space, so I started the "respect for shared space" training very young indeed.


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## starling&diesel (Nov 24, 2007)

To each their own. We all have our differences, and so long as what other folks do doesn't violate my own code of ethics or values (spanking, CIO, etc), we can all hang out, doing our own style of parenting. No biggy. Our kids are still little, though.

My dd is 2.5 yrs old and is the one walking ahead half a block down a major, urban sidewalk along a busy street. She stops when asked. Often, we're walking with other kids who are in strollers, or who are holding hands with parents. It's never been an issue, as far as I know.


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## MJB (Nov 28, 2009)

I'm pretty strict when we are in public-- I would definitely not let my kids wander around a restaurant. If they couldn't stay in their seat we'd have to leave. Honestly, when we go out with friends whose kids are less well-behaved, I don't expect them to follow our rules. I do, however, avoid repeating the experience if I feel embarrassed by their behavior.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MJB*
> 
> I'm pretty strict when we are in public-- I would definitely not let my kids wander around a restaurant. If they couldn't stay in their seat we'd have to leave. Honestly, when we go out with friends whose kids are less well-behaved, I don't expect them to follow our rules. I do, however, avoid repeating the experience if I feel embarrassed by their behavior.


I wouldn't let my kids wander in a restaurant either, but I'm a little confused because that wasn't an example given in the OP. She gave two examples: outside when cleaning up after going to the beach, and outside of a restaurant. I'd be fine in either of those examples, but not in a restaurant where people who have paid to sit and enjoy their meal would be bothered.


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## MJB (Nov 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *pammysue*
> 
> They often ask their children to do things that I don't feel are developmentally possible. And their kids spend time in resturants playing on iPods or smartphones. I don't judge them, but we don't feel it is right for our children (and can't afford iPods or smartphones) so we spend time walking around or other distraction techniques.


That's where I was getting wandering around the restaurant from. I might have misinterpreted, if so, sorry!


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## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *choli*
> 
> I agree. We've always lived in the city, hence in a relatively small space, so I started the "respect for shared space" training very young indeed.


ITA. DD is expected to clean up her toys, clean up food that fell on the floor during meals, put her dirty clothes in the hamper, etc. Of course we are very playful about it, but still I don't think there's anything wrong with toddlers cleaning up after themselves.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MJB*
> 
> That's where I was getting wandering around the restaurant from. I might have misinterpreted, if so, sorry!


Oh well I didn't catch that. IMO iPhone > wandering around annoying people in a restaurant. But also IMO wandering around outside a restaurant = fine.


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## starling&diesel (Nov 24, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *starling&diesel*
> 
> To each their own. We all have our differences, and so long as what other folks do doesn't violate my own code of ethics or values (spanking, CIO, etc), we can all hang out, doing our own style of parenting. No biggy. Our kids are still little, though.
> 
> My dd is 2.5 yrs old and is the one walking ahead half a block down a major, urban sidewalk along a busy street. She stops when asked. Often, we're walking with other kids who are in strollers, or who are holding hands with parents. It's never been an issue, as far as I know.


I wanted to add to my previous post to mention that I'm also the parent that requires manners and certain behaviours in places like restaurants and other adult settings. Even though other kids might be running around screeching while we're in the coffee shop, dd is not allowed to do that. Another example is that I don't let her run through a gaggle of pigeons, even though other kids do. And if she wants a treat at the bakery, she asks nicely for what she wants, pays for it, takes her change, and says thank you. And she cleans up after herself (we're also in a small space).

What I'm getting at as that as a parent, I am part free-range, part high-expectations ... as are most of my other parent friends.

I think we have an unspoken understanding that we don't comment on each other's style.


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## nina_yyc (Nov 5, 2006)

Parenting is such a sensitive topic, it's really hard to bring up differences with friends. I think what I would do is tell my friends that I felt awkward about what happened in X situation and see what they say. Could be they feel as awkward as you about the whole thing and it might be nice to clear the air. I have been on both sides as the strict mom and the permissive mom. Sometimes it is not such a big difference in parenting philosophy as it is a reaction to the particular moment and individual child.

There is one friend I decided not to ask to the playground anymore because she was on the extreme end of caution with our then-3yo's and I'm of the philosophy that you can climb anything you want as long as you can get yourself down (and my kids are monkeys.) We just did other stuff with our kids. If you're compatible friends it's worth it to work something out.


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## midnightwriter (Jan 1, 2009)

I'm often in a similar boat. My kids are usually allowed more, in terms of how far they can wonder, what they can climb, how fast and where they can run, and so on. I find it often awkward if another parent has stricter rules, as it limits my kids' play as well. My kids might want to wade in the water, as usual, and their friends might not be allowed to take their sandals off. I feel bad for the other kids, who want to join mine, and I feel bad for mine, who have to adjust their play. Not the end of the world, of course, but I'm sure such discrepancies are annoying to both parents.

What I do depends on the situation, ages, and what kind of friendship I have with the parents. If it is a good friend, and I value the relationship, I talk to my kids and remind them that other parents have different rules and expectations, and that they might want to alter their play.

If it is a casual friend, and my kids don't care much for the other kids, and my kids had already planned on wading in the water to catch minnows, and brought their nets, I'm not going to tell them to stop what they were set on doing, even if the other kids are not allowed. I don't think that a less strict parent should always accommodate more restrictive parents.


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## 1love4ever (Jan 5, 2011)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *midnightwriter*
> 
> If it is a casual friend, and my kids don't care much for the other kids, and my kids had already planned on wading in the water to catch minnows, and brought their nets, I'm not going to tell them to stop what they were set on doing, even if the other kids are not allowed. I don't think that a less strict parent should always accommodate more restrictive parents.


I agree! I find that it is often the less strict parents trying to accomodate the stricter ones, why is that? Why is it not the stricter ones trying to accomodate the less strict ones! And I also find that it is the less strict worrying about how they appear to the more strict ones, what to do around them, etc. To each his own I guess, but I do not think that a person should ever compromise their own values because of another parent.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *1love4ever*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> I agree! I find that it is often the less strict parents trying to accomodate the stricter ones, why is that? Why is it not the stricter ones trying to accomodate the less strict ones! And I also find that it is the less strict worrying about how they appear to the more strict ones, what to do around them, etc. To each his own I guess, but I do not think that a person should ever compromise their own values because of another parent.


I'm a "strict one" and I do try to accommodate the less strict whenever I can. It's a great reminder that I need to lighten up now and then, and some things just aren't that important, or it's okay to make an exception for a "special" occasion. That being said, we just had a playdate with a friend whose mom has even stricter rules than we do, and makes no exceptions. I felt bad, but at the same time I honored her enforcement and the kids had a great time.


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## sosurreal09 (Nov 20, 2009)

IDK I just don't like forcing my baby to do things I guess. She sees me put them away and she can help me but I am not going to yell at her to put every little things back especially when she is non compliant about it. I suppose if she were eager to do it and liked doing it then sure I would encourage it but not to the extent my friend has b/c her DD is really paranoid about it now. My friend will be sitting on the couch and yell at her to put it away (a lot of time when she is still playing with it even)...IDK it's not like she's 3 y/o and has chores or something,...

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mambera*
> 
> Slightly OT, I don't know your DD so you may be right about her specifically, but in general I think it's totally developmentally appropriate to teach a 22 m/o about putting toys away. The 18-24 month group at my DD's Montessori is expected to put each toy back on the shelf before they take another, and none of them have any problem with this system. I'm not sure why you say it wouldn't be good for them?


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## 1love4ever (Jan 5, 2011)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *sosurreal09*
> 
> IDK I just don't like forcing my baby to do things I guess. She sees me put them away and she can help me but I am not going to yell at her to put every little things back especially when she is non compliant about it. I suppose if she were eager to do it and liked doing it then sure I would encourage it but not to the extent my friend has b/c her DD is really paranoid about it now. My friend will be sitting on the couch and yell at her to put it away (a lot of time when she is still playing with it even)...IDK it's not like she's 3 y/o and has chores or something,...


I agree, some things are just not that big of a deal to me. I think it causes a child stress if an adult is constantly forcing them to do things, especially things that they are not quite able to learn. My almost 18 month old can put things back when asked, but I have to ask every time, and sometimes if she really likes it she wont listen, and that is fine with me usually, because I figure she really wants it for a reason- that reason being that she is likely trying to figure it out, explore the object and learn about it. When I am really interested in something, it would not be fair for someone else to come along and make me give it up or take it away from me if I wanted to hang on to it for awhile, and I feel that the same respect should be given to a baby/child in a similar situation. I think a lot of people feel that a child feelings and needs are inferior to an adults, or not as important, but I think that they need to be shown just as much respect as an adult. Yelling at a child to put something away when they are using it? Not a very nice thing to do, would that mother do the same thing to her husband or friend? Just my opinion I guess.


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## Tjej (Jan 22, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *1love4ever*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> I agree! I find that it is often the less strict parents trying to accomodate the stricter ones, why is that? Why is it not the stricter ones trying to accomodate the less strict ones! And I also find that it is the less strict worrying about how they appear to the more strict ones, what to do around them, etc. To each his own I guess, but I do not think that a person should ever compromise their own values because of another parent.


I'm one of the more strict parents and I don't think you know when a parent is being accomdating or not. It isn't like I announce that I am letting up my rules or anything like that. The balance of combining kids from different rule sets (and the enforcers for both sets are there, so the sets are still there) is tricky. I know I have compromised more than I felt good about at times, and have learned from it. I don't worry about how I appear as far as strictness goes, but I do care about the friends we are with and being kind to them. I think that if the "strict" and "non-strict" sides are going to fight about who suffers more it will wreck relationships (like if spouses fight over who does more).

Tjej


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## mambera (Sep 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *1love4ever*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> I agree, some things are just not that big of a deal to me. I think it causes a child stress if an adult is constantly forcing them to do things, especially things that they are not quite able to learn.


Sure, I'd agree with that. I just don't see that putting toys back is something that needs to be 'constantly forced,' nor is it something a toddler is (in general) not able to learn. DD learned it in one day, her first day at Montessori, by watching the other kids. She saw them do it, so she did it. Then she translated it to home on her own initiative, which was awesome. Peer group expectations are a powerful thing.

My point is just that putting toys away is not (in general) a developmentally inappropriate expectation for a toddler. Obviously there are gentle and effective ways to teach this and other skills, as well as harsh and ineffective ways. That's a separate issue.


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## coffeegirl (Jan 1, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alyantavid*
> 
> I don't do anything. I have certain rules for my kids and I expect them to follow them even if another kid isn't expected to do the same. If my kids are doing something another parent doesn't allow, I do keep mine from trying to get theirs involved but that's it.


Yeah, I think this is reasonable. Just don't even worry about it. The differences don't seem to be THAT huge, you know? Only thing I can add on a personal note is in your first example....I'm assuming the other parents were wanting their kids to sit out of the way of the moving, right? If that was the case, then that would be one of the times where I might reign mine in a bit more than I normally would to mirror what they were doing. For two reasons, general etiquette and courtesy to the other parents, and the practical issue of none of y'all wanting kids underfoot while you're moving stuff. KWIM?


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I'm on the strict side in our peer group and honestly it's hard sometimes. In particular, many of my friends let their kids break explicit rules in nature area--stay on the trail, don't wade in the creek, etc. It's not that I am opposed to creek wading, but if the sign says not to do it, I am going to assume there's a reason (probably to do with conservation--a big family value of ours) and not allow it. If the other kids we 're with are allowed to do it, it puts me in a rotten position, IMO. If I enforce the rule my kids are bummed and it's clear that I disapprove of the other parents' actions., but if I don't enforce it my child fully realizes we are breaking the stated rule--bad example, IMO.


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## midnightwriter (Jan 1, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *1love4ever*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> I agree! I find that it is often the less strict parents trying to accomodate the stricter ones, why is that? Why is it not the stricter ones trying to accomodate the less strict ones! And I also find that it is the less strict worrying about how they appear to the more strict ones, what to do around them, etc. To each his own I guess, but I do not think that a person should ever compromise their own values because of another parent.


I think those who are "less strict" are less strict because they don't live their lives by black and white rules, but make their decisions on a case by case basis. Consequently, they routinely accept new variables that might affect their decisions, and adjust their expectations accordingly.

I don't worry at all how I might appear to more strict parents, but when I'm out with my kids I go with the flow, and generally try to avoid stressful situations. I'm more likely to alter our already flexible rules to accommodate unexpected variables, than a strict parent who is not used to being flexible with their rules.

If I ask my kids to accommodate other chilren's rules, I indirectly teach them the value of being flexible and tolerant. On the other hand, there are circumstances when by allowing my children to go with their planned activities, they learn that they shouldn't give in and give up. Every situation is different. That's why I'm not that keen on having 'rules'--we have guidelines, and then work with them according to each specific situation.


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## midnightwriter (Jan 1, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *loraxc*
> 
> I'm on the strict side in our peer group and honestly it's hard sometimes. In particular, many of my friends let their kids break explicit rules in nature area--stay on the trail, don't wade in the creek, etc. It's not that I am opposed to creek wading, but if the sign says not to do it, I am going to assume there's a reason (probably to do with conservation--a big family value of ours) and not allow it. If the other kids we 're with are allowed to do it, it puts me in a rotten position, IMO. If I enforce the rule my kids are bummed and it's clear that I disapprove of the other parents' actions., but if I don't enforce it my child fully realizes we are breaking the stated rule--bad example, IMO.


This is different, IMO.

The real issue, I think, if when other parents impose arbitrary rules. Like when my children were tossing pebbles into a pond, and the other parent forbade her kids to join, because they could have hurt ducks--if there had been ducks on the pond. My kids are free to toss rocks into that pond, but they also know that when the ducks are there, they are expected not to do it. We don't have a general 'no tossing rocks' rule, as this wouldn't make sense to us.

I'm not sure how old are your kids, but mine are not bummed anymore if we follow a certain rule, especially if it relates to conservation.







(Well, with the exception of the 3 yo, but she is likely to follow her older siblings).


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## Agatha_Ann (Apr 5, 2009)

I tend to be on the stricter side, at least according to the examples given in the OP. I also tend to be with a large group of children, my own and my daycare kids, and I have to be more structured and strict for the safety of the group. I tend to base my feelings on what other people ask of their children based on respect for others and the surrounding environment, and the safety of everyone involved. If I am with other parents who are allowing their children to be disruptive to those around us, I would be upset. If I am with other parents who are not adequately supervising and their children are at risk of hurting themselves or others, I get upset. Other than that, I say to each their own.

I do have to say though, it seems like a lot of times people decide that their children are not capable of certain behaviors because of their ages, when in reality they just need to be asked.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

minightwriter, my youngest is 3. The 7yo is certainly a lot more likely to listen to reason, but the 3yo, notsomuch!

Another thing for more permissive, free-flow parents to keep in mind is that some kids are very black and white thinkers, and some kids are die-hard pushers of boundaries, and it may be more necessary to make these blanket rules in these cases. DD often does better with clear rules than with "It's okay today, but not tomorrow" guidelines, as I have learned from very hard experience after being hit over the head with it a million times. I don't have a "No throwing rocks" rule, but I could probably think of some rules I do have like that would seem silly to other people. I get why they WOULD seem silly, but they exist for a reason. OTOH, there are some things I've never had to make any rules about because they just don't exist as problems for my particular kids. Because I know what it's like to be on the other side of this, if I see that my kids are being allowed to do something other kids are not, and I can tell it's causing tension for the parent, I will often try to rein them in subtly or change activities.


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## 1love4ever (Jan 5, 2011)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *midnightwriter*
> 
> I think those who are "less strict" are less strict because they don't live their lives by black and white rules, but make their decisions on a case by case basis. Consequently, they routinely accept new variables that might affect their decisions, and adjust their expectations accordingly.


That is an excellent way to put it and I agree! I was reminded of this post today when DD and I were on a walk. We walked by our neighbors house who has an 18 month old, same as DD. He was trying to pet a friendly cat that always comes to visit them and us(we know the owners of the cat, it is a clean, mostly indoors cat), and every time that little boy tried to pet the cat and it looked like he might pet it too hard, or try to pick it up(I think he was just trying to hug it), or do anything other than just barely pet it, his mom would scream at him, tell him no, etc, and I didnt even know what she was telling him no about, so I am sure he had no clue either. I am assuming it had to do with the way he was petting the cat but I am not even certain of that, because sometimes she was holler at him, and other times she would not while he was petting the cat....

Anyway, as we went to leave, he started following us. I laughed and thought it was cute, and told him to go back to his mom. His dad then hollered at him "Get over here right now or I'll kick your ass!", a phrase that I hear coming from their yard several times a day. Sorry, but to me that is way over the top. Even if he would not actually kick his ass, which I am not sure of, why would you say that to your little boy?

Another thing that I was thinking after I posted last time is that I want my child to feel like this is her home, she should feel comfortable and at ease, and should feel like the things in this house belong to her. Is that not what a home is? When DD first started getting into things, DH would CONSTANTLY tell her NO, he would take things away, upset her all the time, and never let her play with ANYTHING that was not a toy, even if it was completely harmless(thank god he has mostly gotten over this!). It was soooo upsetting to me, because I thought, how is she going to think that this is her home? She will think that it is our(her parents) home, not hers, if we are constantly taking everything away from her and not letting her do ANYTHING. I even felt like he was being "mean". A kid gets into things to learn about them, to see what is in his environment, to explore, and I feel that a parent who acts like DH did is really restricting their child. DD has stopped getting into certain things that she has gotten into a lot because she has learned about them, and she is done. But things that she has not gotten in to much, she still gets in to, which is fine with me, and I know that pretty soon she will be done with that too, because she will have learned about it.


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## Trucksma (Aug 4, 2011)

ugggg, I am totally feeling this topic right now!!! I am having a HUGE issue with this right now, because when these types os situations happen to me I usually land up handeling it REALLY poorly and than have huge parental quilt after! Soo , for example. We were at a birthday party tonight and all the kids were playing in a bounce house. Most of the kids were between 4-6, however there was an older kid (maybe 8) and he was being totally aggressive with my 5 year old. Kicked him, pushed him..etc. I landed up going over to the bounce house and pulling my kids out (I did not want him to get hurt)...however in retrospect, that other kids should have been told to get out. Why did my child get punished by having to leave the bounce house when it was the other kids misbehaving?

I am soo tired of parents being sooo lax, that it affects the way the children play together.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I simply do not care. My kids are the run about type. I've tamed them a bit. As in there is pretty much one rule. Respect others. If what you're doing can cause others to be uncomfortable and it's not necessary for you to do it then stop. That's it. I've pushed this on them since they were little and I enforce that one rule when other people are around. If your kid is doing something that is bothering mine I will tell your kid to stop. Just as if my kid is doing something to bother yours my kids will be reminded about respecting others.

In the situation with the kids being forced to sit for 20 minutes... I laugh at their parents. Not sure how they got that accomplished but I'm pretty sure I'd have to pull something drastic on my kids. Also I don't think it's respecting them. That age you're making it too easy for them to get in trouble by giving them too many rules.


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## ilovemygirl (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Agatha_Ann*
> 
> I do have to say though, it seems like a lot of times people decide that their children are not capable of certain behaviors because of their ages, when in reality they just need to be asked.


I love this and couldn't agree more. I'm constantly hearing from parents ... kids just can't sit that long or remember to turn off the lights or understand to be quiet during an important phone call, etc. etc.

First of all, doesn't that make your kid feel crappy that you are constantly saying in front of them that they aren't capable of doing something. Give them some credit because it's just not true. When children are asked and taught to do these things they can and will ... most of the time. I'm not saying children can always do everything perfectly, even adults don't behave the appropriate way all the time but shouldn't we be aiming for that, be forgiving but firm when we miss the mark and try again. I have a four year who I don't punish or bribe (ok, I never punish but maybe once in a while I'll bribe ... lol) and most of the time she does a really good job of waiting, following rules and being respectful of other people and things. She wasn't magically born that way. We parented that way and I'm quite proud of having a sweet, respectful and well behaved child.

We've gotten to the point where we've lost from friendships because the parents refused to teach their child/children not to hit, push, yell and grab claiming the kids are free range and should be able to do what they want. It's kind of sad but I'm not going to force my child to put up with that.


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## alittlesandy (Jan 20, 2010)

I hate the assumption that if my son picks up his toys every day (he does), sits quietly in a restaurant (he does), and waits by me when in a public place, that means I must have gotten to that point through yelling, coercion, force, etc. That my "free-range" friends make this assumption about me really peeves me. I have stopped being friends with a couple of moms because of this.

Look, my son is very active and spirited and has been since the day he was born. The day he was born he was craning his neck around the room to see everything and from a very young age he was trying to get out of his sling, etc. I adore him and he is funny, sweet, and smart, but I have to create boundaries for his safety and my sanity. If I didn't make him stand near me he would run into traffic, bowl some poor kid over with a "hug" (he's like a big dog that thinks it's a puppy), or create some form of chaos. There are plenty of times when I allow him to be "free-range" such as at home, on our porch, at the park, etc. He gets a lot of active play time and is very happy and good-natured.

When we are at a restaurant and waiting for food or for the bill, he looks at books or plays with matchbox cars. From day one I never allowed him to get up and walk around. At the pool or beach, I would be the mom making her kid sit on the wall and wait. But he does it when I ask him to, and there is no coercion. When we pick up toys it's a fun game. These things have been a routine from the beginning, so it's kind of automatic. I never yell.

But my friend's son is allowed to run ahead, explore the restaurant, etc. Her house is not child-proofed. Her son listens to everything she tells him but also doesn't really put himself into danger on his own. She "never says no." When visiting her house or going on outings with her, I am the one the OP is describing as the "strict" parent, and my friend likes to tell me why she is a better parent. She thinks the boundaries I set created my son's personality, and that her son is mellow because of no boundaries. I do not believe this. I honestly believe it has a lot more to do with personality than parenting. Her kid has always been mellow, and mine has not. Mine wants to push the boundaries of exploration farther than her kid, so I set boundaries from the beginning as a safety issue. To me, proof of this comes when you see siblings who have been raised the same way acting very differently.

Our house is filled with laughter, life, love, and fun. I adore my son and he adores me. I have set what I feel are necessary boundaries for his safety and out of respect for others. It is what it is. We are not all going to parent the same because we don't all have the same child.


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## carolm1 (Mar 29, 2011)

I try to keep my kids near me. Mostly because I don't want them to run out in the street, or a parking lot. People really dont care now days, but then my kids dont sit there and play on my husbands phone ( he had the Driod). Our kids like to run around, but they listen very well, sometimes i'm surprised. I think your doing okay, my sister in law was just like that, he son is about a year older than mine, and my son would love to run around and play at toddler time, and since they knew each other outside of TT they liked to play together. She would force him to sit right beside her, while my son went around to each child at the TT to talk to them. From her attitude I decided TT wasnt for my son, or daughter as all the women their where pretty snooty and only a few that where nice barely came. I say not let it get to you, try to meet other moms that don't need to keep their kids attached at the hip.


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## starling&diesel (Nov 24, 2007)

Hear, hear! Several posts insinuated that, and I appreciate you for speaking to the assumption.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *alittlesandy*
> 
> I hate the assumption that if my son picks up his toys every day (he does), sits quietly in a restaurant (he does), and waits by me when in a public place, that means I must have gotten to that point through yelling, coercion, force, etc. That my "free-range" friends make this assumption about me really peeves me. I have stopped being friends with a couple of moms because of this.


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## berry987 (Apr 23, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *alittlesandy*
> 
> I hate the assumption that if my son picks up his toys every day (he does), sits quietly in a restaurant (he does), and waits by me when in a public place, that means I must have gotten to that point through yelling, coercion, force, etc. That my "free-range" friends make this assumption about me really peeves me. I have stopped being friends with a couple of moms because of this.
> 
> ...


I think your son sounds very well behaved and respectful







Although I must say that I feel there is a difference between "free range" and teaching kids manners. I consider myself a free range parent because I let my kids take risks, i.e my 4yo is allowed to walk our dog around the block on a leash by himself, my 6yo is allowed to cross several streets by himself to reach a friends house, they climb, explore, and interact with other kids without parental oversight. But when it comes to manners, respect, etc. I am very strict. My kids don't get our of their seats in restaurants, they are expected to say please and thank you, use their napkins at dinner, etc.

We had an incident with our BIL and SIL this summer at my MILs beach house because we let our kids ride their bikes and cross streets on their own. Their kids, who are older than ours, are not allowed to cross streets without parental approval. It was tense because our kids were doing what they know is OK and out in-laws were annoyed that we were "setting a bad example." To me, the issue revolves around safety and what different parents consider safe or acceptable risk.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *berry987*
> 
> I feel there is a difference between "free range" and teaching kids manners.


Yes, I agree absolutely! I suppose there are those who believe that they are being "free range" in allowing their kids to disrupt others, etc, but IMO they've missed the point. I also don't think there's anything rude in letting your kids range freely, as long as they aren't disrupting anyone, even if it's not in line with your friend/relative's parenting. Of course there is always room to adjust to others' comfort levels out of consideration, depending on the situation.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *alittlesandy*
> 
> I hate the assumption that if my son picks up his toys every day (he does), sits quietly in a restaurant (he does), and waits by me when in a public place, that means I must have gotten to that point through yelling, coercion, force, etc. That my "free-range" friends make this assumption about me really peeves me. I have stopped being friends with a couple of moms because of this.


I, too, agree with this. I also hate the assumption that if my child is not disruptive, that she is just a shy, naturally quiet kid ( that is that she uses her manners because I just got lucky and it's not my parenting at all... that either you have kids who mind their manners or not, but it can't be learned/taught). Um... no, some people actually PARENT their children to help them learn to use their manners in public. There is a time to allow kids to roam freely, but a restaurant is NOT it. It has nothing at all with being free range or not. It's respecting the other diners. No, it's not okay to pace up and down the aisle past my table. It IS disruptive... as disruptive as the fit the child might be throwing if you were not pacing. But, no, that's not acceptable, either. And others don't want to hear your child singing, it's not OK to let them thump the back of the booth, it's not OK for them to stare at others over the back of the booth, it's not OK to play handheld games with the volume up, it's not OK to have their MP3 players loud enough for other to hear, etc. (However, I have to say that most of the time when I see these things, the parents are talking loudly on the cell phone, so they have no manners, either.) Still, if your kids cannot handle eating out, wait until they are old enough to do so, so that others can enjoy their meals. Children don't need to be in restaurants to practice their manners. That's what home is for. When they can sit quietly at home for long stretches without getting up or being disruptive or needing to pace, then they are ready for a restaurant. And the parent needs to be ready to LEAVE if the kid gets disruptive. Not try for 30 minutes to calm them down... LEAVE. It's parents that think their children should be able to do whatever they want so as to not "squelch their creativity" that compelled the restaurant in Pennsylvania to ban children in their restaurant.

As I said before in this thread, people are going to parent differently and it's important to respect all ways of parenting. But free ranging is not respecting your child's WANTS over other people. It's giving them some independence in the APPROPRIATE situations. Free ranging that lets a child do whatever the hell they want in a restaurant is beyond rude and disrespectful... both by the parents and the children.


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

i have both the kids you are describing here. one easy peasy kid (like your friend) and one who needs rules, rules, rules and boundaries. you are SO SO right when you say it depends on personality, which SO many mothers find out when they have 2nd children. we thought we were such great parents (wow! look at this great kid! he's a babysitter's dream! we did this!!) until we had our 2nd son  maybe your friend will learn this lesson too sooner or later.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *alittlesandy*
> 
> I hate the assumption that if my son picks up his toys every day (he does), sits quietly in a restaurant (he does), and waits by me when in a public place, that means I must have gotten to that point through yelling, coercion, force, etc. That my "free-range" friends make this assumption about me really peeves me. I have stopped being friends with a couple of moms because of this.
> 
> ...


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## tjjazzy (Jan 18, 2007)

oh, and to the original question, we find a happy medium between parents. it doesn't seem fair to let one kid do something another kid doesn't get to do so we usually meet somewhere in the middle, not enforcing one parents' rules over the other parents' but agreeing on something that works for everyone. often, older kids have to accomodate younger kids bc it's not safe or possible for younger kids to do what the older ones are doing. we often ask our older, very easygoing son to accommodate the not as easygoing kids so that everyone can play nicely. we try to teach him not to allow himself to be walked on (if the other child cannot cooperate, find something else to do without him and he will see you aren't going to put up with nonsense) but to make compromises so everyone can play without incident. hmmm...sounds like life!


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I guess it depends on a couple of things. How the other parents feel about your more relaxed rules and the way it is effecting their ability to parent and how important this friendship is to you.

I was the stricter mom. I ended up ending a relationship over it. But her kids were obnoxious and people would leave restaurants and stuff when we came in. If we went shopping together she would allow her kids to do stuff that damaged merchandise....it was embarrassing and certainly did not want my kids picking up those habits. There simply wasn't anywhere we could go together where it would work. We did end up hanging out once the kids were older. There were still time though where the gap in values prevented my kids from playing with her. By then my kids had gotten used to it and they were old enough to understand.

I don't think you NEED to adjust anything. However, you might want to keep tabs on the other parents comfort level if you want to preserve the relationship and decide what compromises you are willing to make. I never did come out and tell my friend I was uncomfortable with the way she let her kids run wild. I just stopped doing things. I gave up.


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## Mom31 (Jun 11, 2011)

I wish everyday i had been a more stricter mom when my kids were little. I did not make them pick up anything... and now at 8 and 5 they routinely destroy my house with seemingly no care that someone ( ME) has to pick it up. They fight and argue and all together do not listen ....

I wish i had asked for their respect at a younger age...


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *alittlesandy*
> 
> I hate the assumption that if my son picks up his toys every day (he does), sits quietly in a restaurant (he does), and waits by me when in a public place, that means I must have gotten to that point through yelling, coercion, force, etc. That my "free-range" friends make this assumption about me really peeves me. I have stopped being friends with a couple of moms because of this.
> 
> ...


My DD2, is the twin of this! I have the girl version. We have since she became mobile while crawling, a bull in a china shop. She also would be in her sling checking out the world, nearly straining her neck to do so. She wanted to get up and join in, at 4 mos old!! She has energy upon energy. We thank our lucky star she is the 2nd child because she can keep up with her older sister and her friends. She recently started all day kindy and her when her sister went 4 years ago, she was tired for weeks. Not this one, no crashing yet!

that said, she is very well behaved meaning yes, she can sit for several minutes, can take direction etc but as a young tot, we had to set boundries because she is curious, an explorer, and has a ton energy to back it up. Her teachers have always said she does very well in class, has several friends but we had some different rules for this child than we did when her sister was the same age. Her older sister is more of a free spirit but dosent feel the need to charge into anything and everything. Also, this child picked up her toys at age 15 mos. Why? She saw her 5 yr old sister doing it and wanted to be like her. She also potty learned very early again, she saw her sister do it. She by nature is independent, structured, and can clean her room better than anyone. Heck her sister pays her to clean her room too.

That said, I would have let my older dd run up and down the ramp at that age, but for her younger sister, maybe not just because of the way she is. All children are different, even siblings and sometimes the way you parent one, dosent work on another.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I would like to add, that if my kids in anyway act "good" in public, it's not something I did. I swear! We are super relaxed in our house. Just don't do anything dangerous please. Mommy can't handle blood. I wish I had been a little stricter as well. Of course DH thinks we're plenty strict since our only rules are be nice to the animals, respect others around you and don't pour water into anything electrical... again.

My house is destroyed as well.

I'm the permissive parent. Sorry guys. However my rule respect others does help... right?


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## MadameFancyPants (Dec 12, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> my line when my kids were small was "different families have different rules, and following the rules for one's family is part of being in that family."


I love this!

My friend and I were on the same page parenting wise before we had kids. You know the whole "I was a perfect mother and then I had kids" line. Now that we have our own kids it's very clear that we are complete opposites parenting-wise. She and her daughter can coming to visit soon and I've worried about how things will go as far as our kids and their respective rules. I'm sure I'll get the side-eye but I know we are both doing what's best for our families and children.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

That's how my friend and I are. Before we had kids, we knew we were going to be strict, traditional parents with well-mannered, polite kids who know how to behave in public. Well, one of us can't even eat out at a restaurant b/c her child won't sit still long enough to eat, climbs on the booth, runs around the restaurant, and screams bloody murder if you try to stop her.

And one of us treats her baby like a 12-year-old and needs to manage her expectations a bit better....


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## mama2sully05 (Feb 7, 2011)

I guess here's my take on things...

I used to have a group of "friends" where we hosted playdates at our houses each week on a rotating basis. My child followed my rules at their houses (I guess I could be considered "strict," but I call it "having reasonable, age-appropriate expectations," which is, frankly, healthy. I don't scream, yell, hit...but I do model by example and expect my child not to be a complete out-of control demon.) Anyway, my "friends" were all VERY free-range, and at their houses, that's fine (other than not disciplining your almost 4 year old after deliberating pushing my baby down repeatedly is not ok...but I just removed him from the situation and redirected him to a new activity), but at my house, your kids need to more closely adhere to my rules and expectations. You're a guest in my home, so please respect my space. I shouldn't have to run around the entire playdate cleaning up chewed-up carrots out of my son's toys, wiping up huge juice spills off my wood floors, and spending over 2 hours cleaning my house after the playdate so its not disgusting (like my "friends'" houses...ugh...fossilized food, dirty clothes, and broken toys EVERYWHERE), while the other moms sit on their butts playing with their smartphones and not minding their children once in awhile. I finally had to just bid adieu to this group of "friends." I have found, in my own experiences, that people who parent more closely to you are just more akin to you, period, and therefore, you're more likely to get along with these like-minded parents and develop closer friendships. I have a group of friends now that meets up for playdates, and our styles are much more similar, making it an overall more enjoyable experience for the children and the adults alike. Birds of a feather flock together, ya know?


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