# At what age should children not go to a funeral?



## ecoteat (Mar 3, 2006)

I recently had to attend a funeral and I chose to not involve dd (3) in any of the activities around that (visitations, mass, wake, etc). I was surprised that there were other kids there the whole time, through all the visitations and everything, including kids aged 6 months, almost 3, 5, 6, 7, and 8. I felt like it would have been confusing and inappropriate to include dd in the process, especially since she didn't even know the deceased. But it made me a little uncomfortable that there were other young kids there, which obviously would be a different reaction than some.

It seemed like everyone I talked to about this seemed to have a vague window of ages that they would not take a kid to a funeral. There seems to be a period when a child is too young to understand where they even are and then an age when a child is old enough to process and discuss what is happening. Of course this varies for each family and for each situation, but I'm curious what other people think. Do you think there is a time period for young children that may be inappropriate to go to a funeral? If so, approximately when does it start and stop in your mind?


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## tankgirl136 (Dec 13, 2008)

I think it depends on the relationship of the child to the deceased first off, that effects many things. Personally I think a very young child (maybe under 1.5 years old) who doesn't understand is acceptable to bring if it makes the parents more comfortable then finding a sitter and the child is well behaved.

Then I think you get in a gray area between there and about 5 years old where they might not grasp the way to behave and what is going on. That is the range I would only bring a small child if it is a VERY close relative.

After 5 I think you can begin the conversation about death and some times I think it's best to give the child the choice to go or not. I was given the choice when I was about 8 and chose not to go, at 12 I chose to go.

I think it is a tough topic with no hard and fast rules. In fact religion, family and closeness to the deceased makes many of the rules in my opinion. Also it depends on your child, at least in my opinion.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ecoteat* 
especially since she didn't even know the deceased.

This is a perfectly reasonable reason not to involve your child, but age doesn't matter.

As a young child, my maternal grandfather died, and my sisters and I were excluded from the funeral and such. We also had not been allowed to visit him during his hospital stay, where he passed away. He simply disappeared from our lives one day. I could not understand why I couldn't see my grandpa anymore. I was angry that he was being kept from me.

A short while later my paternal grandmother died. Through out her progressive illness, we visited her frequently in the hospital. Then we attended all the funeral proceedings. Nothing was hidden away. Though we were very sad, and it didn't all sink in at once, it never seemed as scary, or like people were keeping me from grandma, and I knew that grandma wanted to be with me till she no longer could.

When someone the child knows dies, you can either hide it from the child, or involve them. If you don't involve the child the sudden disappearance is confusing and upsetting for the child. Though parts of the funeral, wake, burial, and such may be somewhat confusing or upsetting for the child, it isn't as bad as people disappearing. These customs have been set up to help people who are grieving understand death, children get comfort from them just as grownups do.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I agree with the pp -- it depends on the relationship to the deceased, or more importantly the family of the deceased. I brought my ds (then about 24 months) to my aunt's mother's funeral. Despite the awkward title of the relationship, she was close to our family and loved small children. My aunt was thrilled to see him. I was glad I brought him, especially to the wake. He was fine during the funeral (but then he's a relatively 'easy' kid). There were a ton of children at that funeral - mostly great-grandchildren and great-great-nieces/nephews

It's also somewhat cultural, I think. In my family, the wake and the funeral are times to mourn, reconnect with distant family, share stories about the deceased and loved ones, to laugh, to cry, to share drinks and meals. Kids fit into this quite nicely, even if they didn't know the deceased well. Other families expect more solemnity and no disturbances. If that's the case, I'd be reluctant to bring a child under 2 if they didn't know the person.

However, if the child did know the person, especially if they knew them well, there is no minimum age. Funerals are an important part of the grieving process. We don't hold funerals for the deceased, we hold them for the living who remain. Because of that, it's important, IMO, for all those who were close to the deceased to be there, even if they are very young.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

Well, if it's for a stranger, I wouldn't take the child.

My three kids were involved in the end stage of my grandmother's life, her funeral, and her burial. They were 5, 3, and 1 at the time. The younger two I don't think were aware of what was really happening, it was just an "event", at the end of which they got cookies and had cousins to play with. The 5 yo was paying attention to everything and had questions ("How did they fit G-G into that jar?"







) but he wasn't disturbed by it and I am glad he participated.


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## 77589 (Mar 7, 2007)

If my child didn't know the person and they were not family, I would not take them no matter what age unless they asked (like teenagerish).

Family member - doesn't matter what age. I feel they have a right to be there. Then again I believe children should understand life and death from an early age. I don't sugar coat things for my 3 year old, when she asks where one of our animals is, I tell her they died and explain. We have attended two funerals, the last one being at least a year ago. For the most part we hung out at the back of the room/outskirts of the group, but at that point I think DD1 was around 2 so she was oblivious so I didn't push anything on her. When they are ready to learn IMO they will ask.


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## newmum35 (Aug 16, 2007)

I agree with eepster. I think there is no age children should "not be permitted" to attend funerals. In my family funerals and weddings are like reunions and an opportunity to meet family you havent seen in a while. Children are always welcome.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Any age works for us . . . Rylie was about a year old for her first wake, then 18 months for her first funeral/wake/all day affair, and Ronin was about 2 for his first wake and 3 for his first funeral/wake/cremation. Both kids have very laid back feelings about death at the moment . . . Rylie went through a phase around 4 when she didn't like hearing that all people eventually die, but now? She is SO much more comfortable with death than I was at her age, and I am so glad.

The only way I would leave a child out of a funeral/wake situation would be if they specifically asked not to attend.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

In my in-law family culture, children are welcome at any age.

Sometimes there is a room set up for them during the visitation hours with a few activities and family to care for them, just because it's long.

For the actual funeral service, everyone is welcome and it's just the same as any event - if a child is misbehaving, take them out for a few minutes. We don't have state funerals where kids aren't welcome.







One of our family members was a priest and his funeral was very elaborate, and the order made a point of welcoming kids.

For someone who wasn't family and who my child didn't know well no, I wouldn't take him.


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## srenea04 (Oct 15, 2004)

I guess it all depends on what you as the parent are comfortable with and what you think that you're kids are o.k with. Only you have an idea of how they might react.
I had to think of those things two years ago when my mother's husband of only a year had suddenly passed. While he was only in the family for a year my children knew him as Grandpa Buddy. He was someone that they liked and enjoyed spending time with. My kids were 7, 5, and 3 at the time. They did come with the family for the wake and the funeral. My only requirement was that they did not see the coffin open. If it was open my children were out of the room. I didn't think that they were at an age to be able to handle that they are all very sensitive. I was also going off of my own experience of my great grandma passing when I was only 6. It is something that I truly wish my mother would have not let me go through the way I did.
My kids knew that it was a funeral and that Grandpa Buddy had died. They missed him and still occasionally mention him.


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## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

To this day I resent my parents for making us sit in the car at my grandfather's burial. He and I were very close. It took me years to actually be able to visit his gravesite.

Our son has been to funerals and I would not restrict his attendance at any of them. My nephew, a year and change older, opted out of my grandmother's funeral because he couldn't handle being there. Ds wanted to be there. Either decision was fine.

I think it is a good opportunity to discuss death and dying with children and let them make up their own minds with guidance.


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Any age. Since 2003 I have experienced an absurd amount of death in my life (3 friends, 2 grandparents, 1 brother-in-law) and my kids (now 6 and 2) were there for all of it. These were all people that were involved in our lives and I cared deeply for them, I couldn't imagine not taking them. The only exception was for my grandmother, I knew Zoe would be a little too rambunctious for the church so we skipped that part and took a walk to the playground my grandmother used to take me to when I was small. I think going there was better than attending the church service anyway, it held more meaning for me, YK? But we continued on to the burial afterwards. DD2 is too little to have a clue but my 6 y/o is pretty comfortable with it.

I think if you deal with death matter-of-factly but with age appropriate explanations then a child can handle a funeral just fine (barring the restless toddler or inconsolable baby). It's an inevitable part of life, like birth and falling in love.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

there are a bunch of things involved.

culture. personality of child. is it a family or adult thing.

at 3 my dd went for a funeral at 3. stranger. a neighbour next door. in asia. she wanted to go see our neighbour when she was brought home. my dd sat with her surrounded by other members and was profoundly moved. mama she looks so peaceful. as if she is asleep.

at 4 and 5 she was actively involved in the process of dying with both her gparents. she helped along with me to take care of them. she was sitting with them as they passed. she was involved with everything. right from washing the body to taking part in the service. to me that year of being allowed to be there with her gparents as they slowly deteorated was the greatest gift her gparents could give her. she was v. close to her gparents and it would have been mean to not be there for every part of their death and dying.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

My oldest went to a few funerals with her dad and me, because of close family/friend deaths that occurred in the first four years of her life -- these were funerals that dh and I felt a need to attend, and dd was not comfortable being left with other people. So of course her place was with us.

It didn't seem at all upsetting to her -- the hard part was being quiet, so of course we sat at the back. At my dad's burial, a friend walked around with dd when she got restless.

Our youngest hasn't been to any funerals, because it just hasn't come up yet.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

My kids, age 4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 2 1/2, have been to at least five funerals, and DD1 has been to more (my extended family.) Only once have I left them behind (DH's uncle.)

I wouldn't go by age. I think age has very little to do with it.

I would go by who the deceased is, the family or friends likely to be present, how upset I was likely to be by the death of the deceased, and the individual personality of the child.

I wouldn't take my child to the funeral of somebody I know very little, like a coworker's family member or somebody like that. My child would know nobody there but me.

I wouldn't take my child to a funeral if I felt I was likely to be very distraught and upset during the funeral. I think that would be frightening to a child. If I did take the child, it would be because I thought there would be plenty of people who my child knows who could keep the child if I needed some time.

I would take my child to the funeral of anybody in my family, or to any funeral where family members of mine were likely to be present. Funerals in my family are often jolly occasions, with tons of kids, and are an opportunity for the family to reconnect joyfully to remember the deceased. That's our family culture. We do our most intense mourning in private, before and after the public occasion. Plus, our family is so tight-knit and close, and being part of that is something I want my kids to have, in good times and bad. Also, there are always so many people to spend time with my kids at funerals that I usually hardly even see my kids the whole day.

I wouldn't take my kiddos to most funerals in DH's family, though. They are very solemn and serious at funerals. His family has a much greater concern for decorum, and my kids would almost certainly break their standards of what's proper at a funeral. Nobody smiles or laughs at funerals in his family, ever. It's just not done.

So I guess, it depends.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

Depends on the relationship for the most part...but personally I feel that a child from age 2 on up shouldn't be shielded from the death of a loved one. I think it's important for a child to grieve...and I think it actually helps them to process those sad feeling later in life when other people in their lives pass. One of my best friends killed himself when he was only 11 years old. I was 9 and my mom was one of the only mom's who let me go to the funeral and told me the truth about what happened. I am so glad she didn't under estimate me and my ability AND need to grieve for my friend.


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## JollyGG (Oct 1, 2008)

My kids are 6 and 3. I can only think of one funeral in their entire lives that I have not taken them to. That one was in the same town we live in and during a week day so the kids were already at daycare as I normally would have been working.

No one I know expects anyone to find childcare while they leave town or childcare in a strange town. And since most funerals I've attended have been out of town my kids always attend.

They have never been the only children there. Of course as others mentioned the culture of most of those funerals was very welcoming to children. Probably the most formal funeral we have ever been to was my aunt who was a Nun. The whole order knew how much she doted on my son and many of them had enjoyed numerous afternoons enjoying the baby themselves while she was alive. They handed my one year old a squirt bottle of holy water and him bless everything and everyone in sight. Lucky we haven't been to any other funerals who have catered to my child to quite that degree.

As PP posters said if they get disruptive we simply remove them for a bit. At any funeral where the person was close enough to me that I felt I couldn't step out with my child I was usually close enough to other people at the funeral that someone else would happily step out with my child if need be. I myself have stepped out of the room with others kids in the same situation. When my uncle died I had my cousins child (age 1 1/2) almost all weekend as she was too upset to feel she could attend to his needs. But he still attended everything, just in my care instead of his moms.


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## Porcelain Interior (Feb 8, 2008)

My children attend funerals when we are very close to the deceased otherwise they do not attend.

If my children couldn't behave during the service I also wouldn't bring them.

My children were able to sit quietly at a very young age, and I took my youngest then 1.5 years old to my MIL funeral and she was very quiet the entire time. 3 years later they attended their great grandma's funeral.

Seeing me somewhat fall apart and be sad I think is important. There really isn't anything more upsetting emotionally than becoming an adult and then having to learn how to deal with death.

Just my two pennies.


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## possum (Nov 23, 2004)

My son went to a funeral at about 6 months and another at just over a year. I stayed in a wrap both times, and there were also people who would have gladly walked him or played with him if I had needed or wanted them to help out.

Death and funerals are an important part of life. I don't want my son to grow up afraid of them. I want him to see how people gather to celebrate the lives of people they have loved and to express their feelings at their passings.

I was very glad when the DIL of one of lady whose funeral we attended said she was always glad to see babies at funerals because they remind you of the complete and joyful cycle of life.

At 2, my son is much more active and might not be able to attend a funeral with any amount of decorum, so I would be very careful about where and when we went if we were to attend a funeral. I certainly think it is appropriate to consider how a child will be able to behave and plan accordingly.

My brother and I (then about 2 and 6 years old) attended the visitations, funerals, and burials of our great grandmother and our grandfather. I remember being the only children in attendance even though my grandfather had 11 living grandchildren at the time. All the aunts and uncles didn't think it was appropriate for us to be there, but I appreciated being with my family. I think it would have been very scary and upsetting to be away from them. As it is, I remember seeing them in their caskets and looking at the flowers. I remember family and friends crying and explaining to me that they would miss them very much and laughing as they recalled stories from their lives. I remember being with my parents and extended family and looking at all the flowers and talking about who had sent them. I remember the bugler playing Taps and the riflemen firing a salute to my grandfather, who retired from the Army and picking up the spent shells in the rain. I still have one in my jewelry box. I remember looking through photographs as the adults sorted them to take home and sharing meals that countless church ladies prepared and brought for after the funerals. I appreciate that my parents respected me as a person to learn about life as it came along and to include me in all of the families' events.

Melinda


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

My kids have attended all funerals in their lifetimes that I have attended- they've included- dh's grandmother (dd was around 8 or 9 months), my aunt (dd was around 2.5?), my grandmother (dd was 4ish, ds was an infant)

-Angela


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## moaningminny (Dec 31, 2007)

The only person who has passed during my children's lifetime so far was DH's grandmother on December 23rd of last year.

We chose not to bring them (they're 2 and 4 years old) to the service because a) they hardly even knew who she was, and b) we didn't think they'd be able to sit still through the service, and didn't want them to interrupt.

We did, however, take them to visit with everyone after and that worked out just fine.

I absolutely think it depends on a lot of things. We would have taken the girls if they were really close to DH's grandmother, but sadly they don't even ask about her.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

I've taken my kids to two funerals over the last year, but they were short and somewhat informal. I've skipped a funeral that I knew would be longer and more formal.


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## mrs_oli (Jul 26, 2002)

I've taken all my children to several funerals. But I think every family is different and has different "rules".
I think my kids have a healthy attitude towards death and have learned a great deal being part of the whole process.
However, if they were disruptive during any of the services I would leave immediately.
We just went to a funeral on Thursday and my boys asked lots of questions and showed a great deal of empathy towards our grieving family. And then they loved running around with their cousins afterward








I feel it is definitely a personal decision, probably based on our own views of death.


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

I tend to take my daughter everywhere with me, including funerals. Death is a part of life, I feel no need to shield her from that. Also, I have noticed- even when we were not especially close to the deceased- her presence has comforted people. Children, babies, represent our hopes for the future and remind us that life goes on.


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## patrica (Sep 10, 2008)

I personally feel it is good to let children view death as they view everything else in life. Not attending funerals leaves questions that can breed fear of the unknown. I took my kids to their great-grandfathers funeral when they were 1, and 4. Its better to discuss death at a young age than older.


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## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

My kids will come no matter what age they are if they know the person.


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## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *averlee* 
I tend to take my daughter everywhere with me, including funerals. Death is a part of life, I feel no need to shield her from that. Also, I have noticed- even when we were not especially close to the deceased- her presence has comforted people. Children, babies, represent our hopes for the future and remind us that life goes on.









:


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

nak.....so short...
It depends entirely upon the child. Dd (8) has been to funerals at almost every age; every kind from a home wake with open casket to memorial services. She's helping plan her Grampa's







service right now in fact, at her request. In our family we feel that in general death shouldn't be hidden from anyone no matter what age any more than birth should. Not trying to say you did anything wrong of course. If we had a child who I thought would be disturbed by any of it we would adjust.
So you get where our perspective comes from we also live in the southern US where the culture of death is more open (not quite the right word perhaps). I'm also still at 36 hurt at being excluded from my Dads' death as a child.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

My MIL recently passed away and all of the grandkids and great-grandkids were at the visitation, ages 18 months and up. Most of them stayed in a separate room across from the room where the adults were doing the visitation/where the body was. Someone commented that my DH's neices little girl (age 2) saw MIL and asked when she was going to sit up.







It broke my heart.

The next day at the funeral none of the younger kids were there except for my DD (age 7) and DH's neice's son who is 4.5. They both did fine and didn't seem to be upset at all. We had a long talk with DD beforehand and she hasn't had any questions since and doesn't seem confused with any of it.

.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *patrica* 
I personally feel it is good to let children view death as they view everything else in life. Not attending funerals leaves questions that can breed fear of the unknown. I took my kids to their great-grandfathers funeral when they were 1, and 4. Its better to discuss death at a young age than older.

I agree. I'm pregnant and I think that helps people when grieving as well. So many people patted my belly and a lot of the relatives that live out of state were so thrilled to see that DH and I are expecting another child.


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

I think the question is different depending on which vantage point you are asking from. If it's what is appropriate for the children to realize happened, then I think it depends on the circumstances of the death, the nature of the funeral, and the sensitivity of the child, but I would not proscribe a No Children of X Age at Funerals. They can be fine at any age.

If it's what is appropriate, I think first that depends on who is grieving. I do not believe children between about the ages of 2 months and about 7 are able to control themselves well enough for a funeral(and should not be asked to), and were I to be the one grieving (say, if it was one of my parents), I would really hope no one would bring small children, if there was any way around it, and stay home if there wasn't. Obviously there are exceptions- if it's a grandchild of the deceased, it depends on whether the grieving child wants them there, or if god forbid it's a parent, of course the child should be there, etc. It would stress me out and interfere with the grieving process to have the funeral interrupted/threatened to be interrupted in that way, and I think the first obligation of funeral goers is to the bereaved. That said, I have thought about this issue a lot because my husband lost both his paternal grandparents in under a year, when my children were toddlers. We began to make plans for him to go alone, since there wasn't anywhere for us to leave the kids, but my IL's disagreed and asked us to bring the kids. They feel, like a lot of people upthread, that children bring new life and cheer to such a somber occasion. I brought them without another word, and I think that was the appropriate thing to do. I was hypervigilant about their disrupting the service, though.


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## KJoslyn78 (Jun 3, 2007)

i thnk it depends not only on the relationship, but the child themself. 1 child may be able to handle a funeral, wake, etc different then another child, so i dont think age is in itself a big factor for us.

We have lost a great many people in the last 6 years who were very close to my children, including both my parents. My children didn't go to any of the funerals. in fact, because of how i was reacting to my fathers death, i didnt bring my 2 months old with me, because i was not in a state of mind to proper care for my baby while mourning. I did, though, take a 2 month old to my grandfathers death. Different state of mind i guess... an unexpected death compared to one that was not unexpected.

For mty father, to whom my daughter was very, very close, i choose to not have him in his casket to be her last image of him (his death was very unexpected, 1 day fine, the next he was gone). I did take her to the grave site, even before it was "prettied up" with the headstone and such - it was just a mound of dirty and the flowers - heaped up almost as high as her. I also didnt take my children to see my mother in hospital just beforte she died to to alcoholism... not to the wake... which is when i had to decide to have a closed casket wake, due to... well....

but, i didnt think it was right for my children, in those specific situtations. If my grandmother were to die tomorrow, i may take my oldest (she's 10 1/2) but not my 2 youngest (6 and 3), because of their personalities in how they are, it would be more upsetting then... theraputic... for them to see her in such a fashion. My oldest, i think m ay be ok with it. My brother, who was 9 when our grandfather died, had (and maybe still has) issues with being forced to our grandfathers wake/funeral - he wasnt ready - i dont think most kids are at that age... and unless they are young enough to be clueless (so say, under a year old), i personally wouldnt bring a child to a wake/funeral.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

For family members, the entire family always goes, no matter what age. Weddings, showers, funerals - we're very big on "family" here - no one gets excluded. Ever.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hempmama* 
I do not believe children between about the ages of 2 months and about 7 are able to control themselves well enough for a funeral(and should not be asked to), and were I to be the one grieving (say, if it was one of my parents),

I know we all have our own feelings on this, but I feel that at age 7 a child is old enough to attend a funeral.







My DD is 7 and loved her grandma a lot and I would have felt extremely guilty if I didn't give her a chance to go along to the funeral and grieve in her own way and say good-bye in her own way, just like the rest of us. No, she probably didn't get a whole lot out of it but I couldn't have left her with someone and gone without her. It was her father's mother who died and just disappeared on her. That wouldn't be right.







My DD was saying good-bye to someone who played a very important role in her life since she was born.


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

A little bit further down I wrote about exceptions- *Obviously there are exceptions- if it's a grandchild of the deceased, it depends on whether the grieving child wants them there, or if god forbid it's a parent, of course the child should be there*

Grandparents are the most obvious and common one, though I think it varies based on the relationship and the child. My grandfather died when I was 7, and I wish I could have gone. One of my grandmothers died a few years later when my brother was 7, though, and he probably shouldn't have gone. He wasn't ready for it, and it didn't do anything for him.


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## Jennifer Z (Sep 15, 2002)

I think it is important to take children, at almost all ages, to the viewing. That is a more casual thing where you can spend time with your child at the casket and explaining more what is going on, let them touch the body if they want to, and generally see that the spirit isn't there any more. That way there is time for them to say goodbye and to understand what is going on so they don't think the person just doesn't want to see them or whatever. The only exceptions to that, IMO, is if the child didn't know the deceased, or if they are in that window where they are starting to be aware of things, but not able to talk about it or process it...2s and early 3s for many kids.

The funeral itself it depends on the child. For dh's dad's funeral we had childcare for 7yo ds (autistic) who would have freaked out at the gun retorts (military funeral), but brought the 3yo to play with the other cousins off to the side (some friends of the local sibilings arranged to watch all the kids for the actual funeral part out at the graveyard...they had balls, played catch and just ran around...kids ranged from 2-8 or so) and a few of the kids were ok to actually come over to the burial.


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

IMHO and IME it depends on the child and the deceased.

Just a little over 3 mos ago, we lost DH's niece at age 17 very tragically. They currently do not live near us, but wanted to bury their dd in our area so the funeral was in our area. They then had a memorial service in their hometown the following weeks.

We received the call on a Sunday morning and it all happend very quickly and to put it lightly, we were devasted as was DH's whole family. DH and I had to put ourselves together to explain to our dds what had happend and how their cousin is in heaven. We then went to my ILs home as did most of my SIL/BILs which was very comforting. My DD who is 7, was very very sad, her younger sister who is 3 didnt really remember her cousin so was pretty much just caught up in the social part of seeing all the extended cousins and their kids etc which was nice.

DH said before the funeral plans he did not want his dds seeing their dead cousin in a casket and knew our girls would have nightmares. He remembered growing up his parents taking him to funerals and he said it gave him bad dreams. Later that week, two of my BILs confirmed the same thing and said- their parents "dragged" them to funerals and they also had the same issues, both felt we should leave the girls out of it. They were all under the age of 8 at the time growing up going to funerals.
My best friend who has kids the same age took them to their home for the visitation and then next following day for the funeral. It was a blessing, the kids had a blast and then after the buriel came to the gathering and hung out w cousins etc. It was also better for us, with our own grief plus DH was a pall bearer so a mass, long long long ride to the cemetary, the cermony there, plus watching their aunt/godmother and her grief was better to be missed. Nevermind the rest of the family and the grandparents.

OTH, my BIL/SIL who are older than DH have a dd who is also 6 1/2. I had offered them to bring DN to my friends home (they know her) but they were adament about their dd attending all the functions and I mean all. We were at the visitation from 5-10pm with the open casket, the following morning to close the casket, the mass, the long journey to the cemetary and then the final part. They were surprised we didnt include our two dds but my girls had seen their entire family the whole week grieving, bring relatives into our home etc so we felt a day playing was more in order. Their dd didnt really see anything until the visitation. BIL had also said, its a part of life and he remembered his parents taking him to funerals growing up. He was about 10-15 when they happend though. I shared what his younger brothers had said and he didnt realize that or the 1000s of morbid questions his dd would then ask of his family after the fact. Or the questions she would ask the surviving sister. UGH.

Now if it was their grandparents, yes I would have them attend to a point. They have been to visitations but usually they stay in the "social area" and DH and I take turns visiting the deceased and family.


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## Jennifer Z (Sep 15, 2002)

As if this is issue is complicated enough, I think another major factor, if not THE major factor is how you predict you, yourself, your spouse, and the other mourners will behave.

Kids take their cue on how to feel about something, how to react to something, if something is scary or to be feared from us. If we are calm and reasonable, open to questions, willing to explain what is going on and generally just reassuring and stable, they will be fine, at any age.

However, if you have unresolved feelings about death, will be highly stressed, very negative and are just horrible at funerals, then it is probably going to be worth thinking about. Also, if you have people weeping and wailing and threatening to jump into the casket, best leave the kids home unless they are old enough to understand that some people really can't handle funerals.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

I think that funerals are part of life and children are part of life. I'm not big on age segregation at any point for any reason. Well... ok, that's not true. There are things that I believe are 'adult only' but they aren't things that involve the normal parts of life.


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## tndixiemom (Jul 16, 2007)

I think it depends on the deceased and the immediate family of the deceased. For some, seeing children at the funeral can make the grief harder. That is really the only thing that should matter.


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## Z1Z2 (Jul 12, 2009)

This issue just came up for us a couple of weeks ago. DD was visiting my sister and niece for several days. My sister had planned to go to a funeral of a neighbor, and the girls would have had to go along. DH and I had no problem with DD going because she did not know the woman, and would therefore not be upset. As well, the neighbor was elderly, and DD knows that old people die. However, had the funeral been for a young person, I seriously doubt I would have allowed her to go. DD is highly imaginative, and it would not be a huge leap for her to think that if a young person can die, than SHE might die too. With less sensitive DS, it may be a totally different answer in the same scenario.

Paula


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Z1Z2* 
This issue just came up for us a couple of weeks ago. DD was visiting my sister and niece for several days. My sister had planned to go to a funeral of a neighbor, and the girls would have had to go along. DH and I had no problem with DD going because she did not know the woman, and would therefore not be upset. As well, the neighbor was elderly, and DD knows that old people die. However, had the funeral been for a young person, *I seriously doubt I would have allowed her to go. DD is highly imaginative, and it would not be a huge leap for her to think that if a young person can die, than SHE might die too. With less sensitive DS, it may be a totally different answer in the same scenario.*
Paula

This was our issue when our niece died. Also, she had a sudden tragic death due to a medical issue. The night she died, while tucking dd1 (7 yrd old) in, she said she could never take medicine again because she would die and didnt want to. She had nightmares that entire week plus with our rather large family mourning it was best to keep her where I did. If it was one of her grandparents it would have been different.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amys1st* 
This was our issue when our niece died. Also, she had a sudden tragic death due to a medical issue. The night she died, while tucking dd1 (7 yrd old) in, she said she could never take medicine again because she would die and didnt want to. She had nightmares that entire week plus with our rather large family mourning it was best to keep her where I did. If it was one of her grandparents it would have been different.

I am not at all debating your choice.

But I do question whether it's the funeral, or the facts that would bother a child. The fact is that your niece did die, and kids do die, and that is scary. It's hard and scary, in fact, for everyone. I'm just not convinced for myself that the answer to that fear is to avoid the grieving rituals.


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