# when did three kids become a large family?



## momtomine (May 7, 2009)

my husband and i have three children, 6, 2 and 4 months. we are finished, and very happy with the three that we have. i have just been in shock for the last year or so, that for so many people, 3 kids is an unheard of number! i get looks and stares when i take all of the kids with me to the mall or grocery store. when did three kids become a large family? in a perfect world, i would actually like to have 5, and even that does not seem like so many. unfortunately i have fibromyalgia, and it makes pregnancy so hard on me, that i have had to re-evaluate my family. i am an only child, so i can understand why my parents think that three is a lot, but i just dont see it as a large family until you pass the 5 kid mark. am i alone? do the rest of you see three as being a "large" family? wow, that was very non-linear, i must be sleepy!


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

My mom taught us that three kids made a big family way back in the 80's. She also made a lot of comments about how the neighbors with four kids had way to many, looking back that may be because the kids were always dirty, hurt, hungry, and somewhat ignored. I only know one person who has two kids at this point and I know a lot of families. Whenever it happened, it is something that many people believe.


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## Thursday Girl (Mar 26, 2004)

i don't think 3 is a big family, i think it's perfect. that said i don't know many people with more then 3 kids. Most have 2 or 3.


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

I was pretty surprised when I had my third and realized that it was considered a "large family" -- I consider it "medium" at most. It really is a prevalent idea... and even many people who think three is a pretty average amount of children to have then think four is a lot. People either think you're superhuman if you have three or more - or they think you're irresponsible. Neither one is accurate, for us at any rate!!

Then again, my Dh is one of four brothers, and I am one of five. I imagine that many people, coming from smaller families, would think that that is huge, when to us, it was just us and our sibs. It feels pretty normal to me.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

I think of families with three kids as larger than average but not large per se...if that makes any sense







. Most families have no more than two, so having three is a bit outside the norm. However, don't think I'd use the term "large family" unless there were at least 4 or maybe even 5 kids.


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## jewelsJZ (Jan 10, 2008)

Don't they know that 3 is the new 2?








Seriously, there was a huge article about that in some major magazine, I forget which, when I was pregnant with #3 and dh and I had a good laugh about that.


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## Thandiwe (May 14, 2007)

Ours are: 4, (just turned) 2, and 1.5 yo. And I'm pregnant, very obviously these days. We get all kinds of looks and "tsks." Esp since I'm only mid-20's and look maybe even younger. *sigh* I think I get the "Wow, you're really busy," comment every day I take them out of the house. Oh well; I just chalk them up to RUDE!


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

I think it depends on where you live. I have 3, and it is considered a bigger family. In urban areas I think smaller families are more common (I live in a city, and the four homes across the street from me are occupied by only children, the rest of the houses with kids on my block are two kid families except for us.), and on the coasts smaller families are more common. The people I know in exurban or rural areas are far more likely to have 3 or 4. Even here in city, 3 is not unthinkably large. Just big. 1=small, 2=medium, 3=big. More=crazy, which is too bad, but that's the way people think.


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## hillymum (May 15, 2003)

I never though I came from a large family or that we have a large family. Three children used to feel just right, but honestly, I now feel I have room in my heart for another one or two!


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

It is odd that three kids is considered big. When I think back, I can think of very few families that had 2 or fewer kids. In fact mine is probably one of only 3 families. Now we are on the low end of the scale for number of kids with the people we know. We know one person who has 1 kid, two who have 2 (including us). Everyone else has three or more.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I have a similar spread, 6y, one turning 3 this week, and a 5m old. I didn't think 3 children was a large family either until #3 was born, I don't get *that* many comments and looks but I do know a lot of people with 3 kiddos, more then with 2. Maybe it is more common in my rural area. The looks I get while out with another mom with 3 kids with mine in tow as well are quite a few though!


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## Sheryl1678 (Sep 15, 2006)

My boyfriend has 3 kids from a prior marriage, I have one from a prior marriage and we have a little one together. You should see the looks when we go out with five kids!

It's true though, somewhere along the line, 2 became the standard or "maximum" and people seemed to decide that they could voice their opinions about _your_ family as well.


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## CalaRei (Mar 10, 2008)

I've been getting this with being pregnant with twins. "Oh, how nice you'll be done now!"

It kind of upsets me, actually.


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

I get it a lot- particularly, the comment that I have my hands full







: I think it's bizarre that I have time to teach my children the manners that THEIR parents, obviously, forgot







:


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

I grew up in south Florida. I always thought of 2 or 3 as the average number of kids. (Most of the families I know were aiming for 2 and had a little surprise.)

Then I moved to the Midwest in my late 20's and remember being a little shocked by all of the families of 4, 5, and 6. Not judgmental shocked, just look at how common it is shocked.

Now I see 5 and up as big. Basically any family that needs something bigger than a mini van seems like a large family to me.









I have to say that if I had started my family when I was in my 20's, I would probably have a "large" family too. As it stands now, we have 2 and are open to a 3rd, if my clock doesn't run out first.

I suppose if I saw my kids as an expense, and I was working and having to pay for day care and juggle schedules I would find any more than 2 a bit crazy. I think that's were the folks I know that think 3 is large are coming from.


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

Here in Utah, 3 is actually kinda smallish.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

I've got four VERY spread out (19, 16, 8, and 1.5) and whenever I'm out with The Littles I inevitably get some comment about 'ohh they're cute NOW but just WAIT till their TEENAGERS!'. I usually say well, these are #3 and #4...kiddos 1 and 2 are 16 and almost 20...









People have VERY interesting reactions at that point. It's really funny...and it's all usually about how we must be 'done' now (ummm no, we want more for sure!!) and how 'lucky' we are to have spaced them like that etc. Oh...and I ALWAYS get the 'hands full' commentary. Blech!

I'd say 1-2 is average around here. Whenever I take my nieces and nephew with my brood I get loads of funny looks hauling the six of 'em all over town!


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

I come from a family with 3 kids and I never thought of us as a big family, just average. But I think having less children is becoming the norm due to women working so much more and just the overall economy. Two incomes are needed by a majority of families and women are also having kids later in life. We could never afford 3 daycare tuitions and I would have to stay home for a long time.

My youngest brother was a "surprise" and came along 10 years after my mom thought she was done. It was a great accident, though!


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## major_mama11 (Apr 13, 2008)

I have a boy and a girl, and I often get those comments about, "Oh, how nice, you're done now!" Sort of implying that the only reason to have a larger than two kids family would be to try for a girl or try for a boy. (I want more kids, most days, by the way).

Most of my classmates in school were from two kid families, but I also had several friends from 4 kid families, so only 5+ seems like "large family" to me.


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## spring978 (Aug 6, 2007)

We have 4 and when we decided to have the 4th most people assumed we had lost our ever loving minds. I would LOVE 1 more but I can't have another one for medical reasons and Dh is pretty firm that we are done.


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## Abraisme (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *major_mama11* 
I have a boy and a girl, and I often get those comments about, "Oh, how nice, you're done now!" Sort of implying that the only reason to have a larger than two kids family would be to try for a girl or try for a boy. (I want more kids, most days, by the way).

Most of my classmates in school were from two kid families, but I also had several friends from 4 kid families, so only 5+ seems like "large family" to me.

I get this too.. It's annoying that people assume that since we have one of each that we're done.. We're not done, and I often tell people that. We plan on having at least three and maybe four. If anyone should breed it's us (that's our little joke)..









I also get the, "you have your hands full" comment on a regular basis. My kids are 2m and 5y. Both are pretty easy kids and not really a handful. It just seems to be standard small talk that people spurt out before thinking..

I don't think that 3 kids is a large family. I'm one of 5, my mom is one of 3, my dad is one of 6, etc.. None of us are even religious, we just had a lot of kids. We love our kids!


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

I think it is the kind of thing that probably depends on a number of factors including where you live, religion, etc. My mom was one of 7 kids, and it seems like a lot of people she grew up with were part of big families. They were Catholic, and were mainly surrounded by Catholic families. My mom, and her siblings all had much smaller families. All of the kids I grew up with were from much smaller families - most of my friends were one of 2 kids in the family, with a couple having 3 kids. I can't think of anyone I grew up with that had more than 3 kids in their family. I find it interesting that a few of my sons friends are kids in families with 3 or 4 children - and their parents are mostly from families where they only had one sibling.


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## fairymom (Sep 15, 2008)

I was one of 3, my dh is one of 3, most of my friends (IRL) have 3. For me 3 is normal - even small. I think its a geographical thing too.

But hey 3 felt small for me- even 3 kids ago! (i have 6!)


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## brooks97 (Apr 24, 2008)

I think if you live in a metropolitan area, 3 is huge. Not so in rural areas; it's small. I think 4 is a perfect number.


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## Thursday Girl (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *major_mama11* 
I have a boy and a girl, and I often get those comments about, "Oh, how nice, you're done now!" Sort of implying that the only reason to have a larger than two kids family would be to try for a girl or try for a boy.

I have three girls (which is actually what I wanted), you should hear the comments I get. When I was pregnant it was "trying for that boy, huh?" I would somehwat politely inform them That no I was hoping for anothe girl.

Now that they are all on the outside I always get "So are you going to try for the boy?" or some comment about how they feel bad for my husband. sometimes it is the blatant "Three girls huh? You need to have a boy now."
WQhat pisses me off is they do it in front of my kids. Shortly after Juniper was born and we were getting buttloads of those comments my three year old started pretending she was a boy.







why people can't leave other peoples families alone i will never know.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

I think religion and region play a big role in what are considered norms. I live in Brooklyn, NY, which is highly Catholic, Orthodox Jewish and Muslim. Of those groups (which make up a large portion of the inhabitants), three or more kids are normal. People start to notice "large" families if there are five or more kids. These cultures themselves involve strong family support structures. Families help each other out. It is expected in these cultures and I believe this in itself allows a more positive view toward having more children.

On the flip side of the coin, there are tons of one-child families in Brooklyn too...people like DH and myself who had our child later in life and live in a one-bedroom apartment...the same one we'll probably live in for the rest of our lives! New York is full of people like us too. Sometimes I'll get a comment from an old Italian lady or bus driver: "Is she your only one????" I never really hear about people talking about "norms" or making comments about number of children until I come here on MDC or read some op ed in the New York Times. There is such a cultural/religious mix here and I don't think people really think twice about.


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## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
It is odd that three kids is considered big. When I think back, I can think of very few families that had 2 or fewer kids. In fact mine is probably one of only 3 families. Now we are on the low end of the scale for number of kids with the people we know. We know one person who has 1 kid, two who have 2 (including us). Everyone else has three or more.

Yeap, I'm in my 30's. I can't think of more than 3 families I knew growing up that had 2 or less children. That was rare. I'm 2nd oldest of 8, so we were one of the bigger families, but not the biggest, there were at least 2 families with 15 or 16 kids around. But yeah, now, people harass my sister who has 3, telling her there better not be anymore. And then DH has 5 kids (one of which I gave birth to) and he gets razzed about it all the time. Yeah people have wierd ideas about family size these days. But part of it is, I think, people growing up in larger (or largerish) families that maybe felt like they didn't get the childhood they wanted and keeping family size reduced would be the answer to that. So mom and dad had more energy/resources to spread around. But I'm not sure I buy that. Our situation was NOT ideal, but a decent couple of parents could make an enjoyable life for the many kids. I love being an adult with 7 siblings.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flapjack* 
I get it a lot- particularly, the comment that I have my hands full







: I think it's bizarre that I have time to teach my children the manners that THEIR parents, obviously, forgot







:

Ha! I like that, that should be your standard come back!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
I've got four VERY spread out (19, 16, 8, and 1.5) and whenever I'm out with The Littles I inevitably get some comment about 'ohh they're cute NOW but just WAIT till their TEENAGERS!'. I usually say well, these are #3 and #4...kiddos 1 and 2 are 16 and almost 20...









People have VERY interesting reactions at that point. It's really funny...and it's all usually about how we must be 'done' now (ummm no, we want more for sure!!) and how 'lucky' we are to have spaced them like that etc. Oh...and I ALWAYS get the 'hands full' commentary. Blech!

I'd say 1-2 is average around here. Whenever I take my nieces and nephew with my brood I get loads of funny looks hauling the six of 'em all over town!

Oh yeah, we hear the wait til they're teenagers bit too (older two girls are currently not living with us, but they used to). Until we mention that our second grandchild is on the way...

But really family of five seems fairly standard to me. Heck sometimes it seems small when I think about the kids being all grown up and how much I love having a ton of siblings to get together with and tons of aunts and uncles and counsins, too. My cousins and siblings (my mom is second of 8 and dad is 1st of 7) have expressed that too, esp when marrying into a smaller family. This is a family gathering? Where's all the crazy aunts cackling at the table? Where are all the kids runnin' around screaming and getting underfoot? seems to be a typical reaction to new spouses families. I like the idea of lots of siblings, it's just that I don't do so well in the mothering department, so it's good that DH came with such a "full set" of kids.









It just seems the mainstream world is geared to family of four, mom, dad, bro, sis.


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## zannster (Aug 12, 2004)

I was (am) one of three kids. I didn't think much about it when I was younger. One of my best friends came from a family with three kids. My other friends came from families with two kids. And I grew up in the Midwest. I don't think I knew anyone personally with more than two siblings (my Catholic grandmother excluded). Two or three children per family was normal in my area.

Now, I feel that three is a little big. Not really BIG, but it's the bridge between average and big. Isn't the national average 2.1 or something like that? Many people stop at two, and more are stopping with only one. Frankly, with as much as I've read about the future and climate/environmental situation, I feel a little guilty even bringing my second into the world now. I feel bad for what he/she is going to encounter. That probably influences my feelings of what I consider a big family. With more than two, you're adding more than yourself and spouse. And many people probably don't have as many kids for economic reasons as well.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Well, on one one hand, 3 seems smallish to me, because I'm from a large family with lots of siblings. I would have enjoyed having 3 myself, so it doesn't seem too big.

OTOH, I only have 2, so when I am booking hotel rooms and paying admission to family events etc., I'm grateful that I don't have more. Sometimes, it's hard to find hotels that provide rooms for 4, rather than just 2 or 3. I've noticed in some places, family passes only include 2 kids - the third pays full fare.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

Yeah, very dependent on where you live and the individuals experience. Growing up, I always thought of 1-2 as small, 3-4 as average and 5+ as large, but I was from a family of 4 and of my mom's siblings, 2 others had 4, one had 7, one had 8 and the "weird" one had 2









Now I think 2-3 is normal, 4 is sort of the transition point for me where you are in between-ish, 5+ is large. And honestly, some of it has to do with all the small cars out there. Having more than 2 kids you really start needing a bigger car, definitely if you have more than 3. Growing up we had no problem finding lots of cars that fit 6 people, but now, it's pretty much minivan/large SUV/Van or nothing.


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## deny_zoo29 (Sep 21, 2008)

I'm the oldest of 2. My parents planned to have more but it took them 5 years to get preg with my younger brother and at that point they didn't want to wait another 5 years to get preg again, so they just stopped.

DP is #3 of 4 with a big age gap (9 years) between #2 & #3.

My mom is #3 of 4, my dad was #1 of 3. MIL is #2 of 3 and FIL is an only

So our families lean more towards at least 3 and We are pg with #1 and plan on having 3, as that's always the number I've had in my head that I wanted, but I guess we'll just see how it goes!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtomine* 
my husband and i have three children, 6, 2 and 4 months. we are finished, and very happy with the three that we have. i have just been in shock for the last year or so, that for so many people, 3 kids is an unheard of number! i get looks and stares when i take all of the kids with me to the mall or grocery store. when did three kids become a large family? in a perfect world, i would actually like to have 5, and even that does not seem like so many. unfortunately i have fibromyalgia, and it makes pregnancy so hard on me, that i have had to re-evaluate my family. i am an only child, so i can understand why my parents think that three is a lot, but i just dont see it as a large family until you pass the 5 kid mark. am i alone? do the rest of you see three as being a "large" family? wow, that was very non-linear, i must be sleepy!


I have four children, all boys. People would ask me all of the time with the last, two pregnancies, trying for that girl, huh? I find that really rude and offensive. I think that you have the children you were meant to have and there is no "perfect" size/gender of children for a family.

I grew up in a family of 4 children and when I was growing up, three or four children in a family was the norm. There was a family who had 9 and a family who had 11 children and they were considered Large families.

Take care!


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Around the time that the car seat laws made it impossible to fit more than 3 kids in a regular sized car...


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## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Around the time that the car seat laws made it impossible to fit more than 3 kids in a regular sized car...

I think you're on to something there.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Around the time that the car seat laws made it impossible to fit more than 3 kids in a regular sized car...

Yeah, I agree too.


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## SarahElizabeth (Mar 26, 2009)

I always classed three kids as average. I was in a 3-kid family until I was 14 (and my mother had my sister), and my mother recently had twins. Now I think it's a big family! I'm happy with my little family (DP, me, DS) but it does seem strange to me. I'm used to lots of noise and activities! Now, when DS and DP are in bed, I get so flustered! I don't know what to do with myself.


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Around the time that the car seat laws made it impossible to fit more than 3 kids in a regular sized car...

This. The additional expenses of going past two are rather noticeable and my husband isn't up for that.







I would really love three. He wants us to be able to stay in normal cars.


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

I think it is about space: in houses, in cars, personal space for parents and space on the planet.

I the US it is probably also about the cost of healthcare which I don't have to worry about here in the UK.

It also depends on where youare standing. I am on eof two children and back in the 70s my dad had to defend himself from people wonde4ring when they woudl have a boy. He clearly remember him telling people that he was very happy with his two girls and didn't feel that he was missing anything.

Now I have four children myself, my sister has none, my cousins have none and my SIL has one. So we do look like a big family!


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Around the time that the car seat laws made it impossible to fit more than 3 kids in a regular sized car...

Ah, yes. That's probably it.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

We have two and people assume we are done. We're not.


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

It definelty depends on where you are. Lots of poeple ask me if we're going to have anymore - as if thats almost expected around here. And to a large degree I suppose it is - almost everybody I know with kids DS1's age, have 3-5 kids. And I know one family with 9!! They are considerd a bit on the crazy side, but 3 or 4 is totally normal.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

I think the economy has changed so much that the idea of clothing, feeding, housing, providing health care for and educating more than 1 or 2 kids seems daunting.


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## farmkids42morrow (Apr 12, 2009)

We have 4 and we get stared at in stores, at the library, when we go out to eat, pretty much everywhere. I totally didn't get it at first, until countless moms came up to me (often in front of their children







) and said sympathetically, "I don't know how you do it; I can hardly stand the one (or two) I have."







I have yet to come up with a response that involves more than staring at the person in disbelief. I now honestly believe that people don't have more than one or two kids because they don't know how to parent the ones they have, so they stop. Maybe that's a good thing.

I don't consider 3 or 4 children a large family by any means; whatever amount of children you can love and support is the right amount for you.









BTW, we have 3 boys and our youngest is a girl so we get "You finally got your girl" comments all the time. Very few things in life make me so mad I could spit nails, but that's one of them. Oh yeah, I didn't actually want these boys; thank goodness we finally got the girl we _really_ wanted so we can stop now.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I absolutely hate it that people assume that because my first was a boy, all children thereafter are "trying for a girl". Hate it.







I love my three boys and I don't wish any of them were girls, nor do I wish I'd had a girl so I could stop at two.

Yet people around here always assume that.







I like to annoy them right back and tell them I'm *not* trying for a girl, and remind them that _it's not up to me anyway_, picking the gender. I love to say that my boys are a huge amount of fun, I love them, and I'd love to have a whole horde of boys, if that's what God gives me.







I'd love to have girls too, but it's more fun to mess with people, so I don't say that.









I think the Mom-Dad-boy-girl family has been fed to the American subconscious as "normal" for at least 50 years, if not more. It feels "balanced" for stories and pictures. Smaller is easier to put on a book cover or a cereal box. Fewer personalities to keep straight when writing stories or comics. For a long time in literature and adverstising, if a family does have a third child, it's one of those tag-along babies that never really grows up. A cute and final addition. Or else an "accident".


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## major_mama11 (Apr 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Teenytoona* 

This is a family gathering? Where's all the crazy aunts cackling at the table? Where are all the kids runnin' around screaming and getting underfoot? seems to be a typical reaction to new spouses families.









Crazy aunts cackling at the table. That describes my in-laws' gatherings so well. FIL is one of 9 kids, and they are all still living in this state, so there are always a bazillion people at their holiday dinners. At first, the deafening volume level totally overwhelmed me (I'm from a much smaller family), but over the years, the larger, more dramatic gatherings have really started to seem more normal to me than my own family's more sedate dinners with only a couple little cousins running around.


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## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

I agree with that sentiment. My boys are a joy and a blessing, and whatever gender I have next, will be the same joy. It would really bother me if someone thought I was trying for a girl this time...I am just trying to add another blessing to our family. And he/she will be perfect in whatever form. That's just me though, I know lots of people sway for a specific gender, and that's fine. Thats just not my experience.

ETA: We are not going to use birth control ever again, and if we have all boys or not, so be it!! I would be completely happy with all boys or any variation.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *farmkids42morrow* 
I now honestly believe that people don't have more than one or two kids because they don't know how to parent the ones they have, so they stop.

So it seems people on both sides make asinine assumptions.


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## Thandiwe (May 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riverscout* 
So it seems people on both sides make asinine assumptions.

Whoa...I hope I'm not being out of line talking for the poster who was quoted here, but I took it as she was referring directly to the moms who approached her and said they can't handle the one or two they already have. That's what I got from it, not that ALL people with 1 or 2 or irresponsible parents.









Maybe she can clarify to alleviate some hurt feelings??


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## Thandiwe (May 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newbymom05* 
I think the economy has changed so much that the idea of clothing, feeding, housing, providing health care for and educating more than 1 or 2 kids seems daunting.

Amen to that! We were going to have one more after this pregnancy, but we've decided to get a vasectomy because of this reasons. Our oldest grew a size over the summer, so we had to buy a whole new wardrobe for fall, complete with new shoes, and then our little girl threw away some week-old shoes we had just bought her. I struggle enough keeping the monthly bills pulled together; the prospect of another child makes me crazy. I love my children immensely, and so for that reason I'm realizing my limitations. If the economy were different and my husband's company would start paying him more competitive wages, we might think differently. But today we're blessed just to have a job, so we're accepting where we're at.


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## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *major_mama11* 







Crazy aunts cackling at the table. That describes my in-laws' gatherings so well. FIL is one of 9 kids, and they are all still living in this state, so there are always a bazillion people at their holiday dinners. At first, the deafening volume level totally overwhelmed me (I'm from a much smaller family), but over the years, the larger, more dramatic gatherings have really started to seem more normal to me than my own family's more sedate dinners with only a couple little cousins running around.

Ahh, so you're a married-in-to, huh? Seriously, the prospect of my own kids not having exactly this kind of big family gathering option is one reason I would have considered having more kids. I wonder how "wierd" it will be when my kids are spread out across the country and there's no big gathering at holidays and whatnot. They'll have to stretch it out to cousins. But like someone else said earlier, I'm not the greatest parenting the ones I've got, so I need to focus on that instead.


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thandiwe* 
Whoa...I hope I'm not being out of line talking for the poster who was quoted here, but I took it as she was referring directly to the moms who approached her and said they can't handle the one or two they already have. That's what I got from it, not that ALL people with 1 or 2 or irresponsible parents.









Well the statement was pretty emphatic and all-encompassing with no qualifiers like "some people" or "those people." I'm having a hard time seeing how it could only be in reference to the people who had stated that they themselves couldn't handle their kids.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thandiwe* 
Maybe she can clarify to alleviate some hurt feelings??

Don't worry. My feelings aren't hurt







, although I can't speak for anyone else. I was merely pointing out some irony.


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## umsami (Dec 1, 2003)

I think it definitely depends on where you live. Growing up, most families I knew had 2-3 kids. My parents considered three large. LOL But then again, they adopted both of us, and were not allowed to adopt over 35. (Rules back in the 60s).

We have three kids, 6, 4, and 2. DH and I would both love another one...but so far, we haven't kept a pregnancy. My Mom is horrified at the thought of four... and felt that way when I was pregnant again... but when I ask her, well, which one should we get rid of? She sort of rethinks...and apologizes.

Before I had kids, I remember my dermatologist telling me that his wife just had her fourth, and I couldn't imagine it. I think that's part of the problem. Those with one or two, can't imagine having more. At least for us, it got easier with each baby. And on the cost standpoint, it's not like we need to buy everything new for the next one. Our last was a girl, which meant not all hand-me-downs worked... but still, a lot did. Plus, we've gotten better at realizing what are necessities...and what we really need.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cappuccinosmom* 
I absolutely hate it that people assume that because my first was a boy, all children thereafter are "trying for a girl". Hate it.







I love my three boys and I don't wish any of them were girls, nor do I wish I'd had a girl so I could stop at two.


Uggggh, I get the opposite! I have three girls and I'm pregnant again, I keep getting comments like "oh, hopefully this one will be a boy so you can quit having kids."







We didn't have more children to have a boy! Don't get me wrong, dh would LOVE to have a son, but that is NOT why we have soon to be 4 children. Arrgh. We love our girls!

I started getting comments when I was pregnant with #3. It's amazing what people think they have a right to say to you. My mom's family were all horrified that I was NOT getting my tubes tied after that one and was open to more children. They haven't even said anything about this one, maybe they're getting the picture


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

I think a big family is a)bigger than my own family of origin and b)bigger than my friends' families.

My family was just 2 kids, and all my friends currently have 1 or 2 kids, so 3 kids seems kinda big to me. I have a hard time picturing the logistics, since I haven't seen a 3-kid family in action. But I'd like to have a third


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Oh, I saw a great bumper sticker that I want to get, it says "If you think my hands are full you should my heart"









I think what upsets me the most is the underlying assumption that children are some kind of burden, and that childhood is something terrible that you have to endure till you get to the good part (which is apparently getting them out of the house?) I certainly don't think that everyone is called to have a large family, and of course caring for little children can be stressful. But I guess I resent people's assumptions that I must hate my life or something.

I also really hate the "don't you know what causes that" line. People always say it like they're so witty. I'm half tempted to start answering "Yeah, f***ing" just see the reaction.


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## umsami (Dec 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CherryBomb* 
Oh, I saw a great bumper sticker that I want to get, it says "If you think my hands are full you should my heart"









I think what upsets me the most is the underlying assumption that children are some kind of burden, and that childhood is something terrible that you have to endure till you get to the good part (which is apparently getting them out of the house?) I certainly don't think that everyone is called to have a large family, and of course caring for little children can be stressful. But I guess I resent people's assumptions that I must hate my life or something.

I also really hate the "don't you know what causes that" line. People always say it like they're so witty. I'm half tempted to start answering "Yeah, f***ing" just see the reaction.

















:

I get the, "I bet you can't wait until they're all in school..." ... and all I can think of is, no..I'm totally enjoying them right now. I look forward to enjoying each stage of my kids lives. The baby stage was great... the toddler stage is great.... and so far, the 6 year old stage is great. Part of me worried about the whole middle school years, but then again, it will be fun to watch my children becoming adults. I guess I just like being a Mom.

Love that bumper sticker. I'm off to look for it right now.


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## jessemoon (May 31, 2004)

My dh is the oldest of 13.
I am the oldest of 2.
We are done with our two. Not because three is an "enormous" family, but because that is how long I can be out of the full-time workforce, that is how big our house can contain, that is how big our car is, and primarily because we feel that we can best parent a smaller family.

We happen to have a girl and a boy. That feels right to me because that was the case in my family (I have one brother). I would have loved two boys or two girls just as much, however. We are not done having kids because we got one of each...we are done because we like being a family of four.

Dh wasn't sure, at all, that he even wanted two. I think he felt like it was a slippery slope to a dozen or more. He came around and now we have a lovely little girl who is the apple of her Daddy's eye.

DH definitely lost out on a great deal of his childhood by being the oldest of so many. Many of his younger siblings (eight to be exact) have significant special needs and he and the older kids really did quite a bit of parenting of very needy, very difficult children. His mom says, in retrospect, that she overestimated the strength and resiliency of her oldest five.

So, for us, two works.


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## jacie87 (Jan 17, 2009)

I think 3 is small









I am the oldest of 2, though my mom always wanted a 3rd child. It was normal for us to not have more children in the family and didn't seem "small" to me, it just felt normal. Most of my friends came from families with only 1 or 2 children. However, I always thought that when it came time to have kids of my own, I wanted at least 3. Most of the guys I have been attracted to were the youngest or 2nd youngest of 5-6 kids. DH is #4 out of 5, with the 5th being 12 years younger than he is. I think large families are great because they bring out more personality types (not the only reason of course, but one of them). I've always been attracted to the "youngest child" personality, but if families stopped at 2 kids, the world would miss out on all the "middle childs".

I'll be having child #2 in a couple months and we're already hoping for #3 to arrive in 2012. Ideally for me I think is 4 or 5. DH and I joke now and then about having 12 kids, but we don't use birth control so it could happen! If 2 kids is the right # for someone else, that's great, but I sure hope I don't have people making those kinds of comments to me about stopping at two...I think that's rude. It doesn't matter if this one is a boy or another girl, I'm having another! I met a couple at the mall yesterday with three kids; 4, 2 and 2 months. The husband was carrying the 4yo and the 2yo and the wife was carrying the 2mo. I turned to my husband and said "That's you in a couple years







"


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

3 is definitely the new 2 where I live (upper midwest). A few friends have 2, but most are having 3-4. We're the odd family out with our 1 (and I actually think that we're awesome parents, btw







) I think that 3 seems big because of logistics-- cars, table/chair sets, family passes seem to often be set up to accomodate a family of 4 (though I know plenty of people who have #2 and go buy a minivan) Many books/movies seem to feature families with 2 kids. It also seems like it would be easier for a 2 child family to split up for an afternoon so that each child was spending special one-on-one time with a parent. I wish that I could believe that the ecological argument had any bearing on people's decisions, but I really think that it's too abstract and that most people don't really think it applies to them. For what it's worth, we're definitely considered strange to have only one, and I get all sorts of unwanted lectures about not giving our dd a sibling- blah, blah, blah. I think anything other than the dictated norm is going to raise eyebrows.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

I'm one of six - all girls, anyone want to guess what comments Mum and Dad got? - so three seems like "barely approaching a normal-sized family" to me, and two seems ridiculously small.







Like, "you hardly have any children at all!" small. Which now I have DD I realise doesn't make a whole lot of sense - it's not like parents with two children are "almost childless" or that their kids don't take up a bundle of time and energy - but I always noticed growing up that 5 wasn't much harder than 4, 6 wasn't much harder than 5, etc... so I can see why people just keep going, you know? Mum always swore the first three were the hardest.









Right now I'm struggling with a severe dislike of pregnancy, birth and many aspects of parenting, so my ideal number of kids has one down from 6ish to 4. Three would be _barely_ enough, in a pinch, but I think I'd still feel vaguely disappointed that I had a small family. It's funny how perceptions colour it, isn't it!







DH grew up with just one sister and thinks 3 is perfectly generous and 4 is really big.


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## JennTheMomma (Jun 19, 2008)

I have been hearing 3 is big too lately. I always though 3 was average. Growing up almost all my friends had 3 kids in their family, or more. I have 6 in mine, but 3 are half siblings. My dad is from a family of 9, mom from 5, FIl from 12. 1 neighbor has 3 kids, the other has 4 kids. I want 4-6 kids, I think that would be perfect, and you should see the looks I get. Oh well.


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

I'm an only child and yes, three children (to me) is a big family. But it doesn't stop me in my tracks.


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

I don't think 3 is a big family, but when there are 3 or more and they're all small, it does look like a gaggle of children. The spacing is more noticeable than the quantity, though. Three kids 3-4 years apart wouldn't catch my attention, but 3 kids under 5 definitely would.


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