# SIL marrying a pedophile RESOLUTION Post 209



## Anglyn

Seriously. My sil started dating this guy, he proposed, they put a deposit down on a house. A couple weeks ago my dh gets a phone call to go to the sex offenders data base for our county and do a search on the guys name. We do and he comes up. Not just his name, but his picture with it, so there is no mistake or someone else with the same name. It's him. My dh calls her and asks if she knew what he was in jail for back in 2002. She doesn't. (how are you marrying someone not knowing this?) He tells her. She doesn't sound upset at all. Later that same night, she moved her stuff into the house. They are now living together. She has three boys, two of them still under 18. The website was specific about the charge, "aggravated sexual assault of an 8 year old". He told her that it's something his exwife made up....and she believes him? He was convicted.

I guess I don't really have a question, dh already told her if she ever brings him to our home again, it won't end well for him, other relatives have said the same. There is a big family reunion coming up and she was invited, but JUST her and her boys. She hasn't responded. She has obviously decided to choose him over her entire family. The scary part is, that seems to me to be cutting the boys off from their support system.

I guess my biggest concern is for her kids and for telling everyone. I mean, my sil LOVES kids and seems to always have someones child with her for the day or the weekend. I am really upset and worried about this. He did not register in their new town, he is still listed at his old address. He has been to one of dd's baseball games, I know that has to be against his parole. I don't know their new address to even be able to tell anyone. The boys father knows, he was told, but I don't know that he is in a position to try and get custody of them. They aren't little kids, they are teens, but still.

Seriously, what would you do? Should I be trying to get custody of those kids? Should I be trying to find out their address to put a call into the police?


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## Lucy Alden

I would absolutely notify the local police department that there is an unregistered sex offender living there. I'd also notify the boys father to let him know that his sons' future stepfather is a pedophile. And I am with your husband on cutting off all contact. You may not be able to save her boys but you can definitely protect your kids. I wonder if it would make sense to contact the school counselor at the boys school and give them a heads up? And I'm not against hanging posters in his new neighborhood.


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## rubidoux

Do you think it's possible that she knows something that you don't? What did you all think of him before your hubby got the call? (And who called him, anyway?) Aggravated sexual assault of an 8 yr old does sound pretty terrible, but it sounds like he was not in prison for all that long (or was 2002 when he got out?). Can you talk to her and find out what the story is? Was it his child? If so, what is his current relationship with the child like?

I would have to know so much more to feel like it was right to really ostracize the whole family. I would, of course, not ever feel comfortable leaving my own kids at their home, but other than that, I don't think I'd want to persecute them.


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## philomom

I'd call CPS and tell them your concerns.


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## scottishmommy

There may be more to the story than you know. I have a dear friend who was tangled up in a vicious family feud and was falsely accused of molesting a child by his vindictive aunt. His mother and aunt had been in a bitter dispute for years and he was a victim of their squabble. He ended up pleading no contest and got 13 months or so in prison. He was terrified of facing a trial, and was advised by his lawyer to just take a plea bargain for less potential time in jail. Anyway, he's out now and has been well supported by our community. Honestly that whole situation has made me wary of child molestation charges, especially when they involve estranged ex wives etc. I'm sure that there are a lot of true pedophiles out there, but there are a lot of falsely accused men as well. Many of them are so blindsided that they simply cooperate in order to avoid life in prison. Also, at least for my friend, his parole is up, so he's allowed to go to church and be near children etc.
Of course your future BIL could be the real deal, and obviously I wouldn't leave my kids with him. But for now I wouldn't stir up trouble, at least until you know the whole story.


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## MissMaegie'sMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lucy Alden*
> 
> I would absolutely notify the local police department that there is an unregistered sex offender living there. I'd also notify the boys father to let him know that his sons' future stepfather is a pedophile. And I am with your husband on cutting off all contact. You may not be able to save her boys but you can definitely protect your kids. I wonder if it would make sense to contact the school counselor at the boys school and give them a heads up? And I'm not against hanging posters in his new neighborhood.


Most of this, except instead of cutting off contact with the SIL's family. I would ramp up my relationship with the nephews. Assuming this man was not falsely accused and convicted, these boys will need an adult they can trust in their lives, because their mom is choosing a relationship with a convicted (and unregistered) sex offender over ensuring their safety. Facebook friend the boys, call them on the phone to talk, take them out to lunch, offer to have them spend a few days at your house... whatever you can do to keep the line of communication open with them. Whatever you do, please DON'T abandon them... trust me, your support will mean a lot to them, even if they don't realize it until they're older.

Do the boys themselves know about their future stepdad's record? If not, they should.


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## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lucy Alden*
> 
> I would absolutely notify the local police department that there is an unregistered sex offender living there.


Except that is not the case. The man in question is registered. That is why the OP's husband was able to find him on the sex offender registry.


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## weliveintheforest

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Except that is not the case. The man in question is registered. That is why the OP's husband was able to find him on the sex offender registry.


But he is registered at the wrong address, in another town.


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## NannyMcPhee

Um yes, call CPS, cut off contact. Try and get those kids out of there however you can.


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## NannyMcPhee

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *scottishmommy*
> 
> There may be more to the story than you know. I have a dear friend who was tangled up in a vicious family feud and was falsely accused of molesting a child by his vindictive aunt. His mother and aunt had been in a bitter dispute for years and he was a victim of their squabble. He ended up pleading no contest and got 13 months or so in prison. He was terrified of facing a trial, and was advised by his lawyer to just take a plea bargain for less potential time in jail. Anyway, he's out now and has been well supported by our community. Honestly that whole situation has made me wary of child molestation charges, especially when they involve estranged ex wives etc. I'm sure that there are a lot of true pedophiles out there, but there are a lot of falsely accused men as well. Many of them are so blindsided that they simply cooperate in order to avoid life in prison. Also, at least for my friend, his parole is up, so he's allowed to go to church and be near children etc.
> Of course your future BIL could be the real deal, and obviously I wouldn't leave my kids with him. But for now I wouldn't stir up trouble, at least until you know the whole story.


There are pretty big consequences here to not ''stirring up trouble''.


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## MittensKittens

*warning SA mentioned, triggering*

My mother started going out with a convicted pedophile when I was 11. Everyone thought he was really charming, even my grandparents liked him. He was from another country and had obviously moved to escape being taken into custody again - I later found out he still had an outstanding warrant. OP, you mentioned your SIL is always around kids as well as having her own. These "people" groom their victims carefully to get access to as many potential victims as they can. In my case, I met the "man" (can't call them that really) at a school friend's birthday party. He was at the neighbor's, who was also throwing a birthday party. He hung around the girls' party all night. We had a chat. I must have mentioned that I kept snakes at home, because he turned up at my mom's house months later with a snake book in his hands. He'd asked my friend's parents for my address.

The rest of the story is rather painful. And my mother just did not see. You and I would probably call the police if a grown guy our daughter met turned up with any excuse, but he then pretended to be in love with my mom and she fell for it. I don't think I'll ever completely heal from what happened next. My mother not only ignored all the warning signals but told me I was lying when I informed her he raped me. He also took the opportunity to rape a class mate too. I wish I had someone like you around during those years, OP. Please be there for SIL's kids in anyway you can, but also - call the police, do whatever you can. Everyone at my school must have had their suspicions, but nobody ever helped me.

I'm surprised that so many poster say that these things are often made up and blown out of proportion, and that SIL's fiance might not be a pedophile. There is no reason to give them the benefit of the doubt. Behind them, they leave a path of destruction, hurt, and permanent damage.


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## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *weliveintheforest*
> 
> But he is registered at the wrong address, in another town.


That's different from being unregistered though. Being unregistered means not registered at all, under any address.


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## carfreemama

Someone mentioned that it doesn't sound like he was in prison for that long...

Just FTR, my brother was in prison for 7 months. That's it. His crime? Pornographic pictures of his daughter and some other nasty stuff. Denial all around on the part of my family, accusations that his victim was "almost old enough to know better." And on it goes. Actually, IME, the fact that he was convicted and spent jail time at all attests to the probable seriousness of what he did. It's pretty hard to put sex offenders behind bars, at least it was not too long ago here in Canada. He got a long probation, though. And yes, he did reoffend within the same family; or tried to. I just would not take any risks and it is SO easy to say it was a vindictive, false accusation. I have had experience with one family where the man probably WAS falsely accused and that is awful and unforgivable. Even there, though, we still kept at arm's length from the guy. We just couldn't be sure and his own actions didn't make us any more confident.

I'm so sorry this whole mess has entered your life.


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## Marsupialmom

I have seen men bullied by the system - so the system can be brutal.

However, with you knowing what his conviction is, I would keep my enemies close if for no other reason to protect your nephews.

If he has his residents reported wrongly do report him. Remember though, his legal residence can be different than were he is staying.


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## JBaxter

I would want to know the whole story but I would make a call about his address. Now one other thing is he may have but they haven't updated the data base. He still has no business living with 3 young boys. I don't know your relationship with their father but he may need to step in to get custody of the boys. I would NOT cut contact if you do you would never know if the boys are in trouble.


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## poco100

He is violating the law by not registering his new address and his parole stipulations by living with children. If i were you, I would contact the local police department and his parole officer. Parole would be the most helpful, because they could probably track him down, issue a warrant and take him into custody on the spot. You can usually get the parole info from the police department in his previous town or the state division of parole should be able to give you that info. I would explain the situation to the police department where the incident occurred and they may be able to give you advice and some details. I completely agree with mittenskittens about staying in contact with the kids (while keeping your own far away from him, of course). Because of the grooming, the kids may have no idea and really like him. Also, many sex offender like to isolate their victims, so the family is doing some of the work for him. If you know where they are attending school, you could even go as far as contacting the administration or a guidance counselor. I used to work w/sex offenders and many were really charming and so convincing, it was easy to question their guilt until i read the police reports complete w/dna. The fact that he is so clearly violating his parole by living w/kids and going to baseball games is concerning. He's taking a big risk knowing that he would go back to prison if caught.


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## Irishmommy

I hate to be defending a possible pedophile, but there's also the possibility that he HAS updated his address with the powers that be, and that the website just isn't updated.


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## SithLadyFred

Even if he was wrongfully accused, I highly doubt that because of his behavior.

1. He knows that he was convicted and "how that looks".. he also knows the laws about registering and keeping away from children. He's chosen to completely disregard all of that and disregard the path of being on the straight and narrow, in favor of getting with someone who has kids and has a lot of contact with kids. Wrongfully accused or not, at the very best it shows a serious lack of judgment to get with someone like your SIL when he has a legal history like he does. At the worst, it's him selecting a person who will give him close contact to victims he can groom to abuse.

2. He didn't tell her. When your DH called her, she wasn't aware.. the lack of responsiveness on her part is covering up the biggest red flag- she didn't even know. So it's not like he flat out told her, "I am a convicted sex offender, but I was wrongly accused and here's my story." He kept her in the dark and that is very suspicious, especially since they're to be getting married.

In my opinion you need to call the police and his parole officer and notify them of what's going on. Even if he's updated on his address, they may not be aware that he's around children. Pedophiles are court-ordered to stay a certain number of feet away from children and aren't allowed to live in the same house as a child.

I also agree with whoever said you should work on your relationship with the kids, just in case- you want to make sure they feel they have somewhere to turn if things go south quickly. It blows my mind that parents like your SIL exist- why would anyone put their innocent children in that kind of a situation??


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## Ornery

I went through something similar in December. The woman in question had two children, similar in age to the pedophile's target age. The pedophile had been arrested twice for indecent exposure around a school or something along those lines and then went to prison for 2 years for sexual battery and assault of an 11 year old girl. His story? He got drunk and passed out in the same bed as a young girl and then accidently rolled over on top of her. The woman believed him and didn't tell anyone. Someone from his past contacted us to notify us as they knew he was not supposed to be around children. He had been around her children on multiple occasions, around my children, etc. When I found out, I contacted her and confronted her (tried to confront him too but he wouldn't talk to me), and then contacted his parole officer. According to his parole officer, this is a pattern of his. When I asked about his story, she informed me that there was a rape kit done that showed him as the perpetrator.

I don't I feel I have the ability to figure out someone's guilt or innocence in a situation like that. Our court system is incredibly screwed up but they have a much higher likelihood of getting the whole story. I can't play russian roulette with children's lives like that. The only thing I felt I could do is notify the authorities and let them sort it out.

I ended up having to testify against him at a parole hearing. My testimony consisted of the fact that he was around children and that he had the opportunity to remove himself from the situation but chose not to. He went back to prison for a very long time. A CPS investigation was automatically opened because the woman knowingly exposed her children to a pedophile but it was closed within a short time because he was no longer a part of the equation.

The woman in question, who has been a part of my life for the past 22 years, has had no further contact with me. Am I incredibly sad? Of course. And I miss her like crazy. Do I regret anything? Absolutely not.

ETA: I still have contact with the children. I call/text them on a regular basis and we FB a lot.


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## mommariffic

I think I would want more information, and stat

First I would want to know who called DH in the first place.

Second, I would want to know the history of the story. It's a brutal conviction but to play devils advocate -- it could be false. Marriage aside If I was accused of something so dark and horrid and it wasn't true, I would struggle to tell someone I loved..I would fear they would leave. So I would really have a sit down with your sister and talk, find out more information

That said I wouldn't allow my children over, and I too would create a relationship with my nephews and ask them if he's ever done anything funny. I would NOT call CPS, or the police until I had more details (and proven if possible)


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## MissMaegie'sMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SithLadyFred*
> 
> Even if he was wrongfully accused, I highly doubt that because of his behavior.
> 
> 1. He knows that he was convicted and "how that looks".. he also knows the laws about registering and keeping away from children. He's chosen to completely disregard all of that and disregard the path of being on the straight and narrow, in favor of getting with someone who has kids and has a lot of contact with kids. Wrongfully accused or not, at the very best it shows a serious lack of judgment to get with someone like your SIL when he has a legal history like he does. At the worst, it's him selecting a person who will give him close contact to victims he can groom to abuse.
> 
> 2. He didn't tell her. When your DH called her, she wasn't aware.. the lack of responsiveness on her part is covering up the biggest red flag- she didn't even know. So it's not like he flat out told her, "I am a convicted sex offender, but I was wrongly accused and here's my story." He kept her in the dark and that is very suspicious, especially since they're to be getting married.
> 
> In my opinion you need to call the police and his parole officer and notify them of what's going on. Even if he's updated on his address, they may not be aware that he's around children. Pedophiles are court-ordered to stay a certain number of feet away from children and aren't allowed to live in the same house as a child.
> 
> I also agree with whoever said you should work on your relationship with the kids, just in case- you want to make sure they feel they have somewhere to turn if things go south quickly. It blows my mind that parents like your SIL exist- why would anyone put their innocent children in that kind of a situation??


Yes, yes, yes!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MittensKittens*
> 
> *warning SA mentioned, triggering*
> 
> My mother started going out with a convicted pedophile when I was 11. Everyone thought he was really charming, even my grandparents liked him. He was from another country and had obviously moved to escape being taken into custody again - I later found out he still had an outstanding warrant. OP, you mentioned your SIL is always around kids as well as having her own. These "people" groom their victims carefully to get access to as many potential victims as they can. In my case, I met the "man" (can't call them that really) at a school friend's birthday party. He was at the neighbor's, who was also throwing a birthday party. He hung around the girls' party all night. We had a chat. I must have mentioned that I kept snakes at home, because he turned up at my mom's house months later with a snake book in his hands. He'd asked my friend's parents for my address.
> 
> The rest of the story is rather painful. And my mother just did not see. You and I would probably call the police if a grown guy our daughter met turned up with any excuse, but he then pretended to be in love with my mom and she fell for it. I don't think I'll ever completely heal from what happened next. My mother not only ignored all the warning signals but told me I was lying when I informed her he raped me. He also took the opportunity to rape a class mate too. I wish I had someone like you around during those years, OP. Please be there for SIL's kids in anyway you can, but also - call the police, do whatever you can. Everyone at my school must have had their suspicions, but nobody ever helped me.
> 
> *I'm surprised that so many poster say that these things are often made up and blown out of proportion, and that SIL's fiance might not be a pedophile. There is no reason to give them the benefit of the doubt.* *Behind them, they leave a path of destruction, hurt, and permanent damage.*










I am so sorry this happened to you, and that nobody helped you.







No child should have to experience sexual abuse and victimization, and nobody should have to live with the pain that results from being sexually abused.

ITA with your post, and especially that which I bolded.


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## A&A

I'd call CPS, and the boys' father (your ex-BIL?) He could fight for custody if he wanted to, with this information.

You could also call the non-emergency # for the local police.


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## Lucy Alden

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lucy Alden*
> 
> And I am with your husband on cutting off all contact. You may not be able to save her boys but you can definitely protect your kids.


I wanted to come back and change this. We have family members we've had to cut off because their child (possibly two of them) are sex predators. I was coming at this from the view of protecting MY children. But in this case, yes, please stay in contact with the boys. Facebook, text, an open invitation to call anytime of the day or night for any reason. Sorry for the lame advise. And thank you to the MDC mamas for calling me on it.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Except that is not the case. The man in question is registered. That is why the OP's husband was able to find him on the sex offender registry.


Sorry, I meant to say a registered sex offender with an incorrect address. Three sick kids and little to no sleep muddles ones brain a bit, huh!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MittensKittens*
> 
> Please be there for SIL's kids in anyway you can, but also - call the police, do whatever you can. Everyone at my school must have had their suspicions, but nobody ever helped me.
> 
> I am so so sorry MittensKittens. My heart hurts for you so much.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm surprised that so many poster say that these things are often made up and blown out of proportion, and that SIL's fiance might not be a pedophile. There is no reason to give them the benefit of the doubt. Behind them, they leave a path of destruction, hurt, and permanent damage.


In a case like this I'm in the "shoot (not literally) first and ask questions later" camp. This man is a CONVICTED pedophile. Specifically "aggravated sexual assault of an 8 year old child." He is living with children. I don't care if it was because of a vendetta or false information. I'm not taking any chances. Sure, if you want read court transcripts, newspaper articles, talk to former/current friends/family, call his parole officer, blah, blah, blah, then fine. But unless you know without a shadow of a doubt he was wrongfully convicted treat him as a pedophile. I'm not taking any chances with my kids, the kids he's living with, or the kids he comes in contact with. And quite frankly, its not the job of the OP to prove he's innocent. It's her job to notify the authorities he's living with children and give a heads up to the families of the children he's coming in contact with.

And yes to the poster that stated that him not telling the boys mother is a huge red flag. I don't want to get all Dr. Phil but "people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."

This whole situation is just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry your family is having to deal with this Anglyn.


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## chaoticzenmom

I'm glad that you're not enabling her. If you had bought his excuses, it would be much easier for her to justify moving in with a pedophile. So glad you didn't do that. It's a very hard thing to do what you did for most people. You're awesome.

As far as getting custody, I don't think you could just based on that, but I'd be calling cps, calling the police and keeping an eye out for anything. I'd also tell the kids and let them know that they'll be believed by you if anything happens and that they should look out for each other around him. Has anyone told the kids?


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## A&A

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chaoticzenmom*
> 
> As far as getting custody, I don't think you could just based on that,


The father of the boys would definitely have a strong case for custody based on this information. At the very least, he'll get a new custody hearing and a judge will decide. But he needs to know this information first, so I think the OP needs to tell him.


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## Super~Single~Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *A&A*
> 
> The father of the boys would definitely have a strong case for custody based on this information. At the very least, he'll get a new custody hearing and a judge will decide. But he needs to know this information first, so I think the OP needs to tell him.


Yup. The boys father needs to step up and get into court ASAP.


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## lilmom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lucy Alden*
> 
> I wanted to come back and change this. We have family members we've had to cut off because their child (possibly two of them) are sex predators. I was coming at this from the view of protecting MY children. But in this case, yes, please stay in contact with the boys. Facebook, text, an open invitation to call anytime of the day or night for any reason. Sorry for the lame advise. And thank you to the MDC mamas for calling me on it.
> 
> Sorry, I meant to say a registered sex offender with an incorrect address. Three sick kids and little to no sleep muddles ones brain a bit, huh!
> 
> In a case like this I'm in the "shoot (not literally) first and ask questions later" camp. This man is a CONVICTED pedophile. Specifically "aggravated sexual assault of an 8 year old child." He is living with children. I don't care if it was because of a vendetta or false information. I'm not taking any chances. Sure, if you want read court transcripts, newspaper articles, talk to former/current friends/family, call his parole officer, blah, blah, blah, then fine. But unless you know without a shadow of a doubt he was wrongfully convicted treat him as a pedophile. I'm not taking any chances with my kids, the kids he's living with, or the kids he comes in contact with. And quite frankly, its not the job of the OP to prove he's innocent. It's her job to notify the authorities he's living with children and give a heads up to the families of the children he's coming in contact with.
> 
> And yes to the poster that stated that him not telling the boys mother is a huge red flag. I don't want to get all Dr. Phil but "people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."
> 
> This whole situation is just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry your family is having to deal with this Anglyn.


YES!!! Do not take any chances with your kids, your nephews, or any other children. Call the authorities. Call the boys father ASAP! I hope he is willing and able to fight for custody, and I really hope your sister opens her eyes.

Also, it is amazing how families that desperately don't want anything like this to be happening can live in total denial for a looooong time. So I think it's great that you are stepping up and trying to do the right thing. Please don't drop the ball. Those boys need you to be their advocate, because their mom is not doing it. PLEASE DON'T LET THIS GO!


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## SundayCrepes

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> I would NOT call CPS, or the police until I had more details (and proven if possible)


I totally disagree with this. You do not have the ability to get enough information. It's not your responsibility to be his prosecutor and judge. It is your duty to do what you can to protect the kids. You must contact CPS, the police, the parole office, and their father.

Long story short I knew some people who said their friend had wrongly been accused and convicted of child molestation. CPS went to their house and talked with the parents. They were told that if their friend (who was a registered sex offender) hurt the children, they, the parents, would go to jail. They were aware they were allowing their children to be around a convicted molester. They were choosing to put their kids at risk.

Perhaps if your SIL gets a visit like that she will keep her kids away from him.


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## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lucy Alden*
> 
> Sorry, I meant to say a registered sex offender with an incorrect address. Three sick kids and little to no sleep muddles ones brain a bit, huh!


All right then, totally understand.


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## purplerose

Ornery- how hurtful for you to lose a friend over this  It takes alot to do the right thing, at the risk of losing people we love and care about. I was glad to read you still keep in contact with the children.


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## mtiger

Something to remember... depending on what the charges were, he may or may not be prohibited from being around certain children. For example, if his conviction was based on assault of a girl, he will likely not be considered a danger to boys. And vice-versa.

And yes, he may have informed his PO of his new address, and the website simply hasn't been updated yet.

I would likely keep my kids away, and inform your nephews' father. It's on him what action to take from there.


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## Marsupialmom

I might sound bad, but if she is knowingly dating and marring a pedophile I have to wonder about her overall parental judgement.

http://crime.about.com/od/sex/p/pedophile.htm she needs to see this


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## Lakeeffectsnow

****Sexual abuse trigger*******

A convicted sex offender and people want reserve judgment? Wow, just wow. Hey, my mom took that attitude with my aunt's second husband. After all, it was a vicious divorce, the girls who accused him, his former step daughters were almost old enough (12, 13, and 14). Those awful girls ruined his life, he got 12 months parole, they had to move away from the town where they grew up because everyone "knew" he was innocent. Then he molested my cousins (they were 8 and 9) and me.

He'd still be free and out there molesting girls if my step dad hadn't come into my life and realized there something wrong. My cousins and I went through an investigation, medical exams, endless questioning, and a trial. I can't begin to tell you how horrible, humiliating, and terrifying the experience for us. To walk down the street at the age of 11 and have everyone in my home town know I had been sexually abused. Three years of my life was wrecked by that man, one of my cousins has never recovered. At least I didn't live with him and there were times I was safe and happy. My step dad took one look at him around young girls and could tell something was wrong. He's the one who took me the doctor, called a therapist and called the police. It took a therapist to make my mom believe me and I had been telling her for two years,

But, hey give the guy the benefit of the doubt because there are so many falsely accused child molesters out there and we all know sexual predators never lie.

Op- Call the cops, if he is a register sex offender, there are probably conditions to his release and he may be breaking them by being around minors. Call the kids' dad, call CPS, and don't cut the kids off. Make sure they have you to turn if he is an offender.


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## sosurreal09

I think is is *sickening* that so many people are sticking up for this creep. THIS is why so many children get molested and these [email protected]$&@%ds never have any repercussions of it! When it comes to something this serious the children should get the benefit of the doubt period. Even if some people are innocent that get charged I would think that a lot more go free.

This man is convicted and we should give him the benefit of the doubt? Hell no. I am on that poor little girls side that he attacked. I am also for calling any and every authority you can and making sure your nephews are safe.


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## Lucy Alden

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lakeeffectsnow*
> 
> But, hey give the guy the benefit of the doubt because there are so many falsely accused child molesters out there and we all know sexual predators never lie.


I think that's whats killing me. I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt in lots of situations. But, a convicted pedophile living with children? Not a chance. I'm not willing to take that risk. Lakeeffectsnow, your stepdad is awesome. These boys need someone like him in their lives.


----------



## seasiren

This is a horrible situation to be in Anglen. You have had a lot of advise so far on here. What do you think you are going to do?


----------



## beenmum

My Best friends Ex spent 9 MONTHS for repeatedly raping his step daughter over 9 years AND filming it. He was sentenced 7 years after a plea and then got work release and parole for good behaviour. He gets out in July. Was setenced in December. Spent 1 year locked up after his arrest...they counted THAT time.

The amount of time served in no way coorelated to the crime commited any longer, not the pleas and parole.


----------



## frugalmum

I would be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt-- *if not for the fact that he hid this from your sister*. Someone falsely convicted is going to be out and loud about it, I sure would if falsely accused and convicted of something so disgusting. I would not shut up and would be screaming from rooftops for everyone to hear. So the fact that he was secretive about this even up to the point of cohabitating is a huge red flag to me. Do not have any contact with this man nor let your children have contact. You can report to CPS but I'm not sure what they can do about it, it depends on the conditions of his parole/ release.


----------



## VisionaryMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lakeeffectsnow*
> But, hey give the guy the benefit of the doubt because there are so many falsely accused child molesters out there and we all know sexual predators never lie.


First, I'm so, so happy that you've been able to move on in your life. Much of my adult life has been consumed from recovery from sexual abuse.

Second, I feel the same way about the above-quoted post. Proving sexual abuse is so incredibly difficult that the idea that there are tons of men out there in prison falsely is absurd. I also don't buy that men are so "confused" or "scared" that they plead guilty to sexual assault of a child just to "get it over with."


----------



## Caneel

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MittensKittens*
> 
> I'm surprised that so many poster say that these things are often made up and blown out of proportion, and that SIL's fiance might not be a pedophile. There is no reason to give them the benefit of the doubt. Behind them, they leave a path of destruction, hurt, and permanent damage.


Me too.

Count me in the camp that grew up with adults looking the other way/not wanting to rock the boat/didn't want to believe so-and-so was capable to abuse. Pedophiles target women (or men) that are going to give them easy access to their prey.

What is going on with the OP's SIL that on the very day she learns about his past, she moves her stuff into his house?!?!? HUGE red flag.


----------



## mommariffic

Listen, I know child molesters are a really iffy topic in this community but when I posted I was keeping in mind a few things mainly that I'm reading from a COMPLETE outsiders perspective. I'm reading a post on a forum! I would be hesitant to give someone such concrete advice that could alter lives when I don't really know 100% of the story, and the truth. I don't think OP should go out and high five the guy, but I also wouldn't go ahead and call the police. I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not?

The truth (I think) is this: anyone who's had a bad experience with a molester of any kind is going to be very much inclined to call the police on him. I'm just saying TALK first before making any decisions


----------



## miche28

I have to say I am pretty shocked at some of these responses. I suppose there is an outside chance that this guy is an innocent victim of some elaborate error. Find that out AFTER you've taken the necessary steps to protect the parties you know are innocent here: the kids. Here, CAS would absolutely without any doubt apprehend kids living with a convicted pedophile - and cause long-term grief to the mother whose judgment was poor enough to consider allowing him to move in. Seriously people - this is no parking ticket.


----------



## Lakeeffectsnow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lucy Alden*
> 
> I think that's whats killing me. I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt in lots of situations. But, a convicted pedophile living with children? Not a chance. I'm not willing to take that risk. Lakeeffectsnow, your stepdad is awesome. These boys need someone like him in their lives.


My step dad is an amazing guy, one of the best days of my life was the day my mother met him. He's the bomb. After my mother divorced him, my little brother anId I stayed with him and my half sister. He saved my life. I was thinking of ways to kill myself or ways to kill that man, anything to make the abuse stop. My step dad has been there for me every day of my life since I was 10. After my mom divorced him, my little brother and I stayed with my step dad and our half sister. He is the one who helped me heal, forgive my mom, and move on. Even after the divorce, he never said a bad word about her, he had nothing but compassion her denial (he was upset at her, but still managed to be compassionate). He reserved all his anger for my abuser.

I just see red when I hear people parroting the same lines people parroted about my abuser. I want to show them the scars on my cousin's arms from her repeated suicide attempts. I want them to know how I felt hiding in a closet under old clothes when my mom had a party in case he "wandered" into my room to say good night. Or know the terror I felt that even though I told my mom, she didn't believe me and knowing it would happen again and again. I want them to know the way my heart clutches every time a man talks to one of my kids. I want them to know every time a male relative, other than my husband or my step dad, hugs, kisses, or tickles on of my kids I have to fight the urge to pull my child away. It's been thirty years and I still sleep with the light on at night. I have tried to move on and most of the time I am okay, happy, and content, but I still think about it almost every day.

Give a convicted child abuser the benefit of the doubt? I see posts about people on MDC judging other moms for using formula, CIO, and having c-sections, but let's take a wait and see additude with a sex offender?


----------



## laohaire

Wow, Lakeeffectsnow. I'm so sorry.

I totally agree with you.


----------



## Ldavis24

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lakeeffectsnow*
> 
> My step dad is an amazing guy, one of the best days of my life was the day my mother met him. He's the bomb. After my mother divorced him, my little brother anId I stayed with him and my half sister. He saved my life. I was thinking of ways to kill myself or ways to kill that man, anything to make the abuse stop. My step dad has been there for me every day of my life since I was 10. After my mom divorced him, my little brother and I stayed with my step dad and our half sister. He is the one who helped me heal, forgive my mom, and move on. Even after the divorce, he never said a bad word about her, he had nothing but compassion her denial (he was upset at her, but still managed to be compassionate). He reserved all his anger for my abuser.
> 
> I just see red when I hear people parroting the same lines people parroted about my abuser. I want to show them the scars on my cousin's arms from her repeated suicide attempts. I want them to know how I felt hiding in a closet under old clothes when my mom had a party in case he "wandered" into my room to say good night. Or know the terror I felt that even though I told my mom, she didn't believe me and knowing it would happen again and again. I want them to know the way my heart clutches every time a man talks to one of my kids. I want them to know every time a male relative, other than my husband or my step dad, hugs, kisses, or tickles on of my kids I have to fight the urge to pull my child away. It's been thirty years and I still sleep with the light on at night. I have tried to move on and most of the time I am okay, happy, and content, but I still think about it almost every day.
> 
> Give a convicted child abuser the benefit of the doubt? I see posts about people on MDC judging other moms for using formula, CIO, and having c-sections, but let's take a wait and see additude with a sex offender?


This made me cry for you mama!

Your step dad sounds like an amazing person. If I could meet him in person I'd shake his hand!

mommariffic, I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do but seriously do you just assume everyone who is convicted of a crime is possibly innocent and just wrongly convicted because of a vengeful ex or something?? I'm serious, because I feel like this is one case where I would trust the conviction before questioning it. If I see someone was convicted of most crimes, I don't just jump to the conclusion that it could have been incorrect. I generally assume that hey they got that person. I know there are serious miscarriages of justice that occur but they are not so often that I would just go to that conclusion.

I'll add my vote to the "surprised" at the willingness of so many here to jump on the, "he might actually be innocent" bandwagon...How often does that really happen, especially in child abuse cases? Not enough to make think twice about seconding the advice of just calling the non emergency police line to confirm if he actually changed his address...Not accusing just confirming and then keeping my kids as far away from him as possible...Also telling your SIL's ex that his children are going to be forced to live with a pedophile...

So messed up, OP I am so sorry you are dealing with this!


----------



## chaoticzenmom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Listen, I know child molesters are a really iffy topic in this community but when I posted I was keeping in mind a few things mainly that I'm reading from a COMPLETE outsiders perspective. I'm reading a post on a forum! I would be hesitant to give someone such concrete advice that could alter lives when I don't really know 100% of the story, and the truth. I don't think OP should go out and high five the guy, but I also wouldn't go ahead and call the police. I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not?
> 
> The truth (I think) is this: anyone who's had a bad experience with a molester of any kind is going to be very much inclined to call the police on him. I'm just saying TALK first before making any decisions


I don't think that they'd add that "aggravated" part if there wasn't some pretty strong evidence. I don't think that talking with him about it is going to get any answers. If SIL likes him so much and wants to marry him, what's wrong with waiting until her kids are grown and out of the house before moving in with him.

My mother also married a pedophile who abused me and my sibling for 9 years. Then, finally she kicked him out and he moved straight in with a woman who had kids the exact same age as my sibling and I were when he moved in with us. I begged my mother to call that other woman and tell her so that her kids wouldn't get hurt. Finally she did call (he had a conviction as well, but it was for a lesser offense than he'd actually done and he was on probation for it still at that time). The other woman didn't believe my mother and she kept him in the house. I've found them on facebook and found that he has at least one daughter. She doesn't have him as one of her friends and he's not listed anywhere as her father. My gut tells me that he put those kids through just as much, if not more, hell than he put us through. I just can't believe that people can live in such denial, especially when it affects their children. I still have nightmares about that creep and to know that he's happy and free and most likely did this to those precious children.....ugh.

OP, It really makes me mad that your SIL isn't taking this seriously. AGGRAVATED assault...that's serious business. Actually, that pedophile that my mother married had a prior rape conviction and she believed him when he said that his girlfriend was just jealous and pressed charges for revenge. If she'd been more cautious....


----------



## Lucy Alden

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not?


Because pedophiles and sexual predators are accomplished liars and manipulators. You think he's actually going to confess to the OP? We're not talking about a 19 year old caught sleeping with a 17 year old. The child was 8. Look, I know you're not advocating for the SIL to stay with an actual pedophile but, until proven otherwise, everyone in question needs to treat him as the sexual predator the courts and a jury have deemed him to be. These boys are at risk for a life full of deep, profund hurt if the OP gives him the benefit of the doubt and is wrong.

And Lakeeffectsnow, I







your stepdad even more now! An amazing, amazing person.


----------



## mommariffic

Not everyone, I mean if you're found with a bloody knife standing over a body I'm going to assume you did it.

This is my thought on this certain situation; dealing with accusations (convictions, etc) of child molestation is really a big deal and I understand that completely. I also put myself in the OPs position and imagine if my brother had told me something similar. My brother isn't an idiot, and before I went and called the police, or CPS, or anyone I would talk to him personally -- I might even talk to his partner. Again, I wouldn't allow my two babes over there but I would get more information. Because (and I'm pretending this is my own scenario) maybe my brother knows something I didn't, after all he's not unstable himself so why would he "allow" this to happen if there wasn't more to the story.

I think it's very easy to hear something horrible and jump, but jumping can hurt. It can ruin relationships (as in the OP and her sister)


----------



## VisionaryMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Listen, I know child molesters are a really iffy topic in this community but when I posted I was keeping in mind a few things mainly that I'm reading from a COMPLETE outsiders perspective. I'm reading a post on a forum! I would be hesitant to give someone such concrete advice that could alter lives when I don't really know 100% of the story, and the truth. I don't think OP should go out and high five the guy, but I also wouldn't go ahead and call the police. I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not?
> 
> The truth (I think) is this: anyone who's had a bad experience with a molester of any kind is going to be very much inclined to call the police on him. I'm just saying TALK first before making any decisions


I'm assuming from your last sentence that you don't have personal experience with sex offenders, which is really great for you. They're often sociopathic. They will lie, charm, manipulate, and most people won't even know they're doing it. Talking to this guy accomplishes nothing other than to teach him that he must be more secretive and on his best behavior around the OP because she's suspicious. Sexual abuse isn't "a bad experience." It's a devastating act that leaves nothing but destruction behind. This guy didn't once steal a television. He sexually assaulted an 8YO child, and there was enough evidence for him to be convicted!


----------



## VisionaryMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chaoticzenmom*
> AGGRAVATED assault...that's serious business.


Yes, that bears repeating. An aggravated sexual assault means that there was injury or permanent damage done. This wasn't fondling or even what I'd consider molesting (not that those aren't damaging). This was actual harm being done to a child. This man was CONVICTED of causing injury to a child in the commission of a sex offense. That's not a conviction that's easy to come by, given how many people refuse to believe children who are sexually abused.


----------



## littlest birds

I don't see any reason to talk with the guy. What is there to accomplish with this? If he says something claiming innocence then what? If he says something admitting some degree of guilt then what? Looking face to face at a mom putting you on the spot would you think a sex offender is likely to be honest? I wouldn't believe anything he said. More importantly I would not expect that I would be able to tell if he was lying. It would be really foolish not to realize that while some people lie poorly others will completely fool you no matter how good you consider your instincts.

I am sorry, but this guy would not get to defend himself with me. I don't want to talk to him. And the talk would get me nowhere different from where I started except maybe satisfy some personal curiosity to see how he would react--even though I wouldn't learn anything practical at all. So for me no way. If there are other ways to find out details of the case, such as contacting someone in the legal group that handled his case maybe. But it seems better to get someone within the system to investigate and look out for the children. If your SIL is not taking action after a very short time, I would alert whatever authority seems able to look out for the children, along with the noncustodial parent of course.

It would be different to me if it had been 16yo, which I do not approve of, but at least would be a young "woman" with presumably some capacity to make decisions and have choice in the matter. That situation might have gray areas--this doesn't. It took plenty to get that conviction on his record, and I wouldn't give any benefit of the doubt. He already had a chance to prove his side of things in court. I'll assume 100% that the court system did its job with this. No "second chance" for a sex offender when involved with a family with vulnerable children!


----------



## Storm Bride

I was sexually abused as a child (not aggravated, luckily for me - but as another poster said, it screws you up, anyway). However, I'm also inclined to think that we've gone a little too far in the direction of "OMG - red flag sexualized behaviour - this child is obviously being sexually abused by someone!!" as a society...with the counterpoint of total denial that makes this all such a nightmare to deal with.

And, all that said? Yeah - I'd call the police. This isn't just an accusation by an ex. This isn't a "sex offender" who accepted a blowjob from his 3 years younger girlfriend when he was 19. *This was a conviction for aggravated sexual assault of a prepubescent child.* This man is a total predator, and whether he did or didn't register his new address, it can't hurt to call and make sure that someone in authority knows that he has moved, and that he's living with minors. The fact that OP's SIL wasn't told, and let him move in after finding out that he'd lied to her, says to me that either OP's SIL has extremely poor judgment, or this guy is a very, very skilled manipulator (maybe both), which means those kids are vulnerable...and even if he happens to only target girls, then their friends are vulnerable.


----------



## JudiAU

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lucy Alden*
> 
> I would absolutely notify the local police department that there is an unregistered sex offender living there. I'd also notify the boys father to let him know that his sons' future stepfather is a pedophile. And I am with your husband on cutting off all contact. You may not be able to save her boys but you can definitely protect your kids. I wonder if it would make sense to contact the school counselor at the boys school and give them a heads up? And I'm not against hanging posters in his new neighborhood.


Yes this. But I wouldn't try and cut off contact with the boys and SIL. Just no contact whatsoever with the abuser.

He is a convicted offender. He does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. He lied by omission to SIL and he is in contact with her minor children.


----------



## EviesMom

I too say, call CPS, notify the boys father, and notify the boys themselves. If your SIL didn't have children, didn't have children over, and wasn't going to have children, I'd say that it's her choice and she's a grown up. But this sounds like an all around bad situation for all the kids that visit her, possibly for her own children. Although thankfully, teen boys seem somewhat less in danger if the charge was with an 8 year old girl. I'd stay in touch in with your nephews so they have you to turn to.


----------



## Adaline'sMama

Id call CPS and notify of them of my concerns.

Id call the local Police and notify them of an unregisterd sex offender.

Id call all off the churches in town and notify the pastors.

Id call the boys' father and tell him his children were living with a pedophile.

Id call the neighbors and let them know that their children are in jepordy because they cant find out if he isnt registered.

Id call everyone in my family to let them know that their children are in potential danger.

Pedophiles seldomly admit their addiction when they are confronted about it. They almost alway repeat their actions. Childrens' safety is far more important than protecting your sil's reputation in a new place.


----------



## MissMaegie'sMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mtiger*
> 
> *Something to remember... depending on what the charges were, he may or may not be prohibited from being around certain children. For example, if his conviction was based on assault of a girl, he will likely not be considered a danger to boys. And vice-versa.*
> 
> And yes, he may have informed his PO of his new address, and the website simply hasn't been updated yet.
> 
> I would likely keep my kids away, and inform your nephews' father. It's on him what action to take from there.


I don't know where the OP lives, but where I'm from, sex offenders who have targeted children are not allowed contact with minors of either sex, period, regardless of the sex of the child(ren) who was assaulted by the offender. Even if the bolded portion above is the case in the OP's state, it doesn't mean she shouldn't attempt to find out how she can help keep her nephews (and their friends) safe from a potential pedophile.

ETA: He was convicted of aggravated sexual assault of an 8-year-old child. Pretty sure that his court order would disqualify him from being around all children, not just "certain children."


----------



## A&A

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SundayCrepes*
> 
> I totally disagree with this. You do not have the ability to get enough information. It's not your responsibility to be his prosecutor and judge. It is your duty to do what you can to protect the kids. You must contact CPS, the police, the parole office, and their father.


Absolutely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And let's recall.............he already DID have a prosecutor, a judge, and a defense attorney. And was found guilty.


----------



## A&A

Quote:
Originally Posted by *sosurreal09* 

I think is is *sickening* that so many people are sticking up for this creep. THIS is why so many children get molested and these [email protected]$&@%ds never have any repercussions of it! When it comes to something this serious the children should get the benefit of the doubt period. Even if some people are innocent that get charged I would think that a lot more go free.

This man is convicted and we should give him the benefit of the doubt? Hell no. I am on that poor little girls side that he attacked. I am also for calling any and every authority you can and making sure your nephews are safe.

Exactly. CONVICTED. Not just accused. CONVICTED of AGGRAVATED sexual assault. And don't you think, that if he were innocent and spent time in jail, he'd now want to stay far and away from children so he didn't get "wrongly" accused again??! The fact that he wants to be around children, after being convicted of such a thing, speaks volumes.

OP, PLEASE call CPS, the boys' father, and the local police. I know you love your sister, but you need to love your nephews more.


----------



## New_Natural_Mom

I would call CPS and notify them. I would call the police and notify them that he has not updated his info. I would probably try to contact his parole officer and find the case details and possibly court transcripts if that is possible. I would definitely contact the boys' father and let him know. I would also tell everyone in the family so they know as well. Could this isolate your sister? Yes. Is it worth it to protect her children and other children. Yes! Heaven forbid she gets pregnant and is tied to him forever!!


----------



## sosurreal09

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Listen, I know child molesters are a really iffy topic in this community but when I posted I was keeping in mind a few things mainly that I'm reading from a COMPLETE outsiders perspective. I'm reading a post on a forum! I would be hesitant to give someone such concrete advice that could alter lives when I don't really know 100% of the story, and the truth. I don't think OP should go out and high five the guy, but I also wouldn't go ahead and call the police. I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not?
> 
> *The truth (I think) is this: anyone who's had a bad experience with a molester of any kind is going to be very much inclined to call the police on him. I'm just saying TALK first before making any decision.*


No that is NOT the turth: The truth is child molesters especially CONVICTED ONES should not get the benefit of the doubt.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Not everyone, I mean if you're found with a bloody knife standing over a body I'm going to assume you did it.
> 
> This is my thought on this certain situation; dealing with accusations (convictions, etc) of child molestation is really a big deal and I understand that completely. I also put myself in the OPs position and imagine if my brother had told me something similar. My brother isn't an idiot, and before I went and called the police, or CPS, or anyone I would talk to him personally -- I might even talk to his partner. Again, I wouldn't allow my two babes over there but I would get more information. Because (and I'm pretending this is my own scenario) maybe my brother knows something I didn't, after all he's not unstable himself so why would he "allow" this to happen if there wasn't more to the story.
> 
> *I think it's very easy to hear something horrible and jump, but jumping can hurt. It can ruin relationships (as in the OP and her sister) *


So you think ruining a relationship is more important than saving kids from being raped?

Your posts and opinion on this have made my stomach turn. It is this line of thinking that leads to more kids getting molested or for molestation to not stop.

I have never been molested but I was raped when I was 21 and let me tell you it is very real. Do you think my rapist is like "Oh yeah I did rape that woman" yeah I don't think so...

My mom was molested and no one believed her and in the end she could never cope and committed suicide...hmm now if only SOMEONE gave her the benefit of the doubt and stopped the molestation maybe she wouldn't have done it.

*NO relationship is worth preserving over this.*


----------



## earthmama369

I would definitely, definitely call the police and CPS. Say that his parole does, for some reason, allow him to live with minor children and that he did actually update his address with the registry and they just haven't updated their website yet. If that's the case, then he's not going to get in trouble. But he was CONVICTED of AGGRAVATED sexual assault of an EIGHT-year-old. Common sense dictates that precautions be taken here.


----------



## mommariffic

Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should *TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.*

Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after, etc, Share concerns and what not.


----------



## chaoticzenmom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should *TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.*
> 
> Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after, etc, Share concerns and what not.


Of course you're not advocating that her children get raped. What you're doing, though, is showing the kind of attitude/fear/doubt..or whatever it is that enables predators and their enablers. You're assuming the best of the guy, which is what most people do, but that's what's dangerous. Predators count on that. They count on the fact that you'll come to them first and then they can explain it away. Her sister is enabling putting her children in danger and if nobody calls her on it and makes her own up to it, she can justify it to herself. She needs to know it's not ok. It's really, really hard for people to stand up to a loved one in this situation and I think the OP is doing an awesome job of it. Sitting down and talking with her and the guy and getting the "whole" story treats this situation like it's a normal, respectable situation and it's not. It's an absolute, dangerous, irresponsible thing to do. You don't sit down and discuss this.

She said that she did talk to her SIL, she did look into the guy, the SIL is not acting on the information. The father of the children has been informed. She's doing what she needs to be doing, but it's hard and she needs to know that she's doing the right thing by standing firm on this and acting on it.

When you're someone who's had this happen to them, people like you are infuriating. It's not against you and it's not your fault, but you need to know that abused kids have consistently been let down by people who think that this stuff is stuff for discussion and that it's something you can reason out. So, you're getting the blunt of the anger here, it's not you, it's everyone who didn't act because of the thoughts that you're thinking about this. It's very common.


----------



## Lakeeffectsnow

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should *TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.*
> 
> Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after, etc, Share concerns and what not.


I understand what you are saying. There may be more to the story. Our neighbor was falsely accused by an ex girlfriend during a custody dispute. He went to court, he plead not guilty, the girl friend's two sons recanted the story under oath. The judge through out the case, the ex girlfriend kidnapped their daughter and left the state. Our neighbor spent years trying to recover his child. The ex girlfriend admitted in court she coached her sons to accuse him of sexual abuse to protect her current husband who was molesting the little girl. That [email protected] does happen. And yes, I let my kids play at the neighbor's house. He's a great guy and one of our closest friends. He was innocent and he was almost screwed by the system. The thing is he has never hidden any of the story from us. He didn't lie. He likes my kids, but he clearly finds them kind of annoying and clearly isn't trying to be their friend or groom them.

But, this isn't a rumor. It is not an unsubstantiated accusation. Maybe, the best approach is to speak to the SIL in a non confrontational and supportive way. That approach might work and it might allow the SIL to face the reality of the situation. I would draw the line at talking to the SIL's boyfriend. He lied to her, he's a convicted sex offender, and he was convicted of aggravated assault. To put it in perspective, my abuser was convicted of multiple accounts of child endangerment, sexual assault, and sodomy . Even though he did permanent physical damage to one of my cousins, he wasn't charged with aggravated assault. Aggravated assault is really bad.


----------



## eclipse

I think the most disturbing part about this whole thing is that the reaction of the SIL to hearing this news was to move in with him. If I found out something like this the day I was moving in with my husband 13 years ago, I would have at the very least postponed it until I figured out what the hell was going on, and I didn't even have kids then. That shows me that SIL is not using her best judgment about this man.

Aside from all that, if he's going to kids baseball games, that's a huge problem - even on the off chance it was a completely bogus conviction. I would imagine he's legally prohibited from attending functions like that - and even if he's not, he's clearly not using his best judgment by doing so. I would contact the parole department and report that a convicted sex offender is living wiht people under 18 and attending functions that have children present. That's not messing up anyone's life - if he is permitted legally to do these things, nothing will come of it. If he's not, well, he's the one who went against the terms of his parole. His choice to face the consequences, whatever they may be.


----------



## sosurreal09

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chaoticzenmom*
> 
> Of course you're not advocating that her children get raped. What you're doing, though, is showing the kind of attitude/fear/doubt..or whatever it is that enables predators and their enablers. You're assuming the best of the guy, which is what most people do, but that's what's dangerous. Predators count on that. They count on the fact that you'll come to them first and then they can explain it away. Her sister is enabling putting her children in danger and if nobody calls her on it and makes her own up to it, she can justify it to herself. She needs to know it's not ok. It's really, really hard for people to stand up to a loved one in this situation and I think the OP is doing an awesome job of it. Sitting down and talking with her and the guy and getting the "whole" story treats this situation like it's a normal, respectable situation and it's not. It's an absolute, dangerous, irresponsible thing to do. You don't sit down and discuss this.
> 
> She said that she did talk to her SIL, she did look into the guy, the SIL is not acting on the information. The father of the children has been informed. She's doing what she needs to be doing, but it's hard and she needs to know that she's doing the right thing by standing firm on this and acting on it.
> 
> When you're someone who's had this happen to them, people like you are infuriating. It's not against you and it's not your fault, but you need to know that abused kids have consistently been let down by people who think that this stuff is stuff for discussion and that it's something you can reason out. So, you're getting the blunt of the anger here, it's not you, it's everyone who didn't act because of the thoughts that you're thinking about this. It's very common.


This exactly!


----------



## eclipse

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should *TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.*
> 
> Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after, etc, Share concerns and what not.


I'm really confused about what you're advocating for here. The OP says she already talk to her SIL, who responded by moving in with the guy and taking her kids with her. She has already spoken to her SIL. Honestly, I don't' care if he's one of the few people who were falsely convicted. If you know a convicted sex offender is likely in violation of his parole and working to get near children, the responsible thing to do is to let the authorities sort that out. I can't imagine what SIL or the new man could have to say that would convince me that contacting the parole department wouldn't be the right thing to do. What would you need to hear to make you comfortable not contacting the authorities? Or what would you need to hear to convince you that you should?


----------



## mommariffic

It sounded more like the OP's husband was talking to her sister and that they never really spoke spoke. That's the conclusion I made, which is why I was saying she should try to reach out and get contact..and if the kids are teens (just re-reading) shouldn't they be able to talk about their concerns/give more insider information on the relationship? So based on the fact that I was under the impression she never actually spoke to her sister and was really hearing the information through her husband/others that maybe she should do her best to contact the teen sons/her sister. Maybe even to say "listen, I feel uncomfortable and want to report an unregistered sex offender.." That I personally think should be the next step.


----------



## Storm Bride

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> It sounded more like the OP's husband was talking to her sister and that they never really spoke spoke. That's the conclusion I made, which is why I was saying she should try to reach out and get contact..and if the kids are teens (just re-reading) shouldn't they be able to talk about their concerns/give more insider information on the relationship? So based on the fact that I was under the impression she never actually spoke to her sister and was really hearing the information through her husband/others that maybe she should do her best to contact the teen sons/her sister. Maybe even to say "listen, I feel uncomfortable and want to report an unregistered sex offender.." That I personally think should be the next step.


It's the OP's SIL, not her sister.

That aside, I guess I'm wondering what you think this would accomplish? What's the point of sitting down and talking to the SIL? She didn't know he'd been convicted (let me repeat again - of *aggravated sexual assault of an 8 year old*!), and when she found out, she moved in that same night. This is not someone who's prepared to listen to reason on this subject. She hasn't had time to think it over, look at the big picture, get details, etc. She found out what he'd been convicted of, then they moved in together right away. What's the point in talking to her about it?


----------



## eclipse

I'm under the impression that it's not her sister, but her husband's sister. That could make a huge difference in how comfortable the OP feels in talking to her herself. In any case, again, I don't see what any one could say to convince me that reporting him isn't the right thing to do - and I wouldn't be giving a heads up that I was about to do that in order to allow the guy to come up with some story or way to get his story straight, you know? I mean, sure, the SIL and nephews might need to someone to talk to, but in my eyes that's secondary to reporting this parole violation. This isn't the same as a guy who stole a car being on parole and hanging out for a night with an old buddy who was also on parole (and therefore not supposed to associate with each other). If that was the case, I'd just think, "Hmm, that's a dumb thing to do." But moving in with a woman with children and going to children's events when you're on parole from an aggravated sexual assault of a child? The stakes are much higher there, and the emotional needs of my SIL and nephews would be secondary to protecting the physical safety of potential victims. Of course, I think sexual abuse of a child should be crime that carries a life time sentence, so I wouldn't' feel any guilt about getting someone convicted of something like that sent back to jail, even on a parole "technicality."


----------



## Just1More

Wow. I'm not a victim, so I am not coming at this with any kind of baggage or fear, for the record.

(I'm not dismissing concerns, I'm just saying that some might because they will just say that those people are over cautious. I don't think you are, and I am really, really sorry for the trauma so many of you have endured.)

But, this smells wrong. All wrong. And I vote for calling the police.


----------



## Smithie

"There may be more to the story than you know."

There may be. I absolutely believe that innocent men are accused of child molestation and railroaded into plea deals or convicted on shaky evidence, all the time. Precisely BECAUSE child molestation is so horrible, prosecutors and judges and juries and defense attorneys and the accused men themselves freak out and don't always make rational decisions when these cases are going through the courts.

All that isn't really relevant to what the OP needs to do, though. If there's a registered sex offender who hasn't updated his address living with her nephews and attending their freaking baseball games and getting all kinds of access to children via his new kid-loving partner, then the cops and CPS need to hear about it. What the OP does not about they case, THEY can find out. If he's allowed to be around minors now, fine and dandy. If not, getting the authorities involved will spare the SIL some serious potential trouble on down the line. Even if no kid ever gets hurt on her watch, she could end up with a CPS case just because she let this guy live with her. If she's not in a place where she can realize that, then her family needs to intervene ASAP.


----------



## scottishmommy

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smithie*
> 
> "There may be more to the story than you know."
> 
> There may be. I absolutely believe that innocent men are accused of child molestation and railroaded into plea deals or convicted on shaky evidence, all the time. Precisely BECAUSE child molestation is so horrible, prosecutors and judges and juries and defense attorneys and the accused men themselves freak out and don't always make rational decisions when these cases are going through the courts.
> 
> All that isn't really relevant to what the OP needs to do, though. If there's a registered sex offender who hasn't updated his address living with her nephews and attending their freaking baseball games and getting all kinds of access to children via his new kid-loving partner, then the cops and CPS need to hear about it. What the OP does not about they case, THEY can find out. If he's allowed to be around minors now, fine and dandy. If not, getting the authorities involved will spare the SIL some serious potential trouble on down the line. Even if no kid ever gets hurt on her watch, she could end up with a CPS case just because she let this guy live with her. If she's not in a place where she can realize that, then her family needs to intervene ASAP.


I totally agree with this post.


----------



## raelize

actually, if they are teen boys and have any sort of weird feelings about their soon to be step father they are very unlikely to report it to anyone. if they have already been abused by their STBSF they are VERY unlikely to report it. because the act of a man raping a boy brings up all sorts of questions about their own sexuality teen boys are very very unlikely to report their abuse.

call the cops and their father. let all family members know what it up. probably some will feel they can give the benefit of the doubt to this man. fine, that is their right to do. but they need to know the truth about this man. and i would also NOT call the SIL and inform her they were going to call CPS/Cops because it would allow them time for him to move out. And, honestly if a family member is bringing a convicted sex offender into the family, i think she has already let me know what she thinks of our relationship. As someone who lost her brother to suicide due to his "bad experience" being molested as a child, nope, i would have no sympathy for either of these people.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> It sounded more like the OP's husband was talking to her sister and that they never really spoke spoke. That's the conclusion I made, which is why I was saying she should try to reach out and get contact..and if the kids are teens (just re-reading) shouldn't they be able to talk about their concerns/give more insider information on the relationship? So based on the fact that I was under the impression she never actually spoke to her sister and was really hearing the information through her husband/others that maybe she should do her best to contact the teen sons/her sister. Maybe even to say "listen, I feel uncomfortable and want to report an unregistered sex offender.." That I personally think should be the next step.


----------



## scottishmommy

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> Yes, that bears repeating. An aggravated sexual assault means that there was injury or permanent damage done. This wasn't fondling or even what I'd consider molesting (not that those aren't damaging). This was actual harm being done to a child. This man was CONVICTED of causing injury to a child in the commission of a sex offense.


I could be totally wrong, but I thought that sexual assault against a child under 14 is automatically considered aggravated sexual assault. Whereas in the case of an adult victim it implies physical maimings, kidnapping etc.


----------



## sosurreal09

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> It sounded more like the OP's husband was talking to her sister and that they never really spoke spoke. That's the conclusion I made, which is why I was saying she should try to reach out and get contact..and if the kids are teens (just re-reading) shouldn't they be able to talk about their concerns/give more insider information on the relationship? So based on the fact that I was under the impression she never actually spoke to her sister and was really hearing the information through her husband/others that maybe she should do her best to contact the teen sons/her sister. Maybe even to say "listen, I feel uncomfortable and want to report an unregistered sex offender.." That I personally think should be the next step.


----------



## MittensKittens

*WARNING, sexual abuse triggers*

But, people who think OP should not call the police or CPS, why would it not be her "job" to do so? OP is not part of the law enforcement or judiciary system and is not a trained psychologist either, I think? It is up to the police to decide whether this individual is breaking the law, and up to CPS to decide whether the kids are safe. If only one person in my own life would have taken the attitude opposite to the one many of you have, and called the police, I would still have been the victim of a pedophile. I would still have been raped. But it would have stopped earlier, and I would have known that at least, there is somebody who cares.

In my case (like the OP's SIL and her kids, actually!) the situation was so obvious you could see it from an airplane. Pedophile meets 11 year old at birthday party and then seduces her single mom, showers her with gifts and takes her out to expensive restaurants every day. We lived in Europe. He drove me to school every day and picked me up after, taking me to his home while my mom was working. He made me tell everyone at school that he was my uncle to avoid suspicions, even though I'm American and he was British. The English teacher was competent enough to notice this, and even asked me about it. Nobody lifted a finger.

I started dressing in black and withdrew completely. Then, people at school and in the family thought I had some kind of personality disorder, rather than pointing at the pedophile. I told my mom when I found out he raped my class friend. He apparently approached her after he'd seen us together. I sat in front of the police station for ours after she would not listen and actually made me HUG him to say sorry. Should I report him? I had read in a children's book that the foster care system was really bad, and I knew I'd be taken into custody IF the police would believe me. I did not report it, and felt guilty for years. Is it a 12 year old's responsibility to report something like that? Could NOBODY have done ANYTHING?

Eventually, I struggled with school for many reasons other than being a rape victim on a daily basis. I convinced my mom to let me live with relatives in the States to finish my education. That is how, at almost 15, I finally escaped. And of course, the pedophile "dumped" my mom within days after I left.

Again, don't leave those boys to struggle by themselves but do something. I know that even one person doing that for me would have meant I would not have not lost total faith in humanity for many, many years. Being falsely accused sucks. Having other people meddle in the relationship with what you think is the love of your life sucks. Being raped by a pedophile and getting no help from any adult when you're a young kid sucks much, much more. Believe me.


----------



## MittensKittens

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Not everyone, I mean if you're found with a bloody knife standing over a body I'm going to assume you did it.
> 
> This is my thought on this certain situation; dealing with accusations (convictions, etc) of child molestation is really a big deal and I understand that completely. I also put myself in the OPs position and imagine if my brother had told me something similar. My brother isn't an idiot, and before I went and called the police, or CPS, or anyone I would talk to him personally -- I might even talk to his partner. Again, I wouldn't allow my two babes over there but I would get more information. Because (and I'm pretending this is my own scenario) maybe my brother knows something I didn't, after all he's not unstable himself so why would he "allow" this to happen if there wasn't more to the story.
> 
> I think it's very easy to hear something horrible and jump, but jumping can hurt. It can ruin relationships (as in the OP and her sister)


And doing the opposite and not "jumping", as you put it, can damage those kids for life, really badly. Which is worse? This is a situation that requires action precisely BECAUSE sexual abuse is so serious. It is safe to say that cases in which a pedophile gets off "unharmed" are much more prevalent that cases where someone was wrongfully convicted.


----------



## AllisonR

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MittensKittens*
> I sat in front of the police station for ours after she would not listen and actually made me HUG him to say sorry. Should I report him? I had read in a children's book that the foster care system was really bad, and I knew I'd be taken into custody IF the police would believe me. I did not report it, and felt guilty for years. Is it a 12 year old's responsibility to report something like that? Could NOBODY have done ANYTHING?


OT. Beyond sick. MittensKittens - my heart breaks for you. I don't know how you could have the strength to carry on, or have any trust or faith in anyone, no matter how many years. But I am glad you did. That you have chosen to grow. What internal strength you must have!

OP - Please call the police and CPS. Let them determine how to proceed.


----------



## MittensKittens

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AllisonR*
> 
> OT. Beyond sick. MittensKittens - my heart breaks for you. I don't know how you could have the strength to carry on, or have any trust or faith in anyone, no matter how many years. But I am glad you did. That you have chosen to grow. What internal strength you must have!
> 
> OP - Please call the police and CPS. Let them determine how to proceed.


Thanks for your support. I did not share my experience because I want pity, or anything similar, but to show that children in such situations NEED and DESERVE support. Why is it that sexual predators are so often given the benefit of the doubt, while children who tell their parents, or teachers, or anyone else about sexual abuse are not heard? There is something very wrong with that situation.

I'm fine now. Of course, stuff like this does leave lasting marks on a person. I no longer have much or any contact with my mother, and the relatives who talked about the situation with her and all concluded I was lying.


----------



## sosurreal09

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MittensKittens*
> 
> Thanks for your support. I did not share my experience because I want pity, or anything similar, but to show that children in such situations NEED and DESERVE support. Why is it that sexual predators are so often given the benefit of the doubt, while children who tell their parents, or teachers, or anyone else about sexual abuse are not heard? There is something very wrong with that situation.
> 
> I'm fine now. Of course, stuff like this does leave lasting marks on a person. I no longer have much or any contact with my mother, and the relatives who talked about the situation with her and all concluded I was lying.


Exactly, you shared to prove a point so these kids can get help! I am glad you had the strength to do that b/c some people just aren't seeing the severity of the situation.

Like I said before I was never molested but I was beaten on a daily basis. No one helped me or my sibs...the cops even came to the house on several occasions from neighbor complaints and EVERY time they ask my father (who was the abuser) "What's going on here/are you hitting these kids" of course my father said no and they always left! I was spoken to ONCE and that was with a black eye and a bloody lip and they asked me what happened (I was 5) and I said I fell down the stairs. This was after our next door neighbor called them and said there was screaming going on. Yet not one person called CPS or actually helped us! People don't like to "get involved" with these things.

Please be brave and do the right thing OP.


----------



## Arduinna

I'd call the police and find out who to report his lack of local registration to, I'm guessing it's his parole officer but I don't know. Then I'd contact the childrens biodad and tell him so that he can start a custody case to get his kids back and require visitation limits when they do see their mom. If bio dad isn't in the picture I'd call child protective services and see what they can do. I'd do everything I can to get those children away from this man even if that means they lost their mom, if she is pathetic enough to chose him over her own kids health and welfare she isn't fit to be a parent.


----------



## Arduinna

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Not everyone, I mean if you're found with a bloody knife standing over a body I'm going to assume you did it.
> 
> This is my thought on this certain situation; dealing with *accusations (convictions, etc*) of child molestation is really a big deal and I understand that completely. I also put myself in the OPs position and imagine if my brother had told me something similar. My brother isn't an idiot, and before I went and called the police, or CPS, or anyone I would talk to him personally -- I might even talk to his partner. Again, I wouldn't allow my two babes over there but I would get more information. Because (and I'm pretending this is my own scenario) maybe my brother knows something I didn't, after all he's not unstable himself so why would he "allow" this to happen if there wasn't more to the story.
> 
> I think it's very easy to hear something horrible and jump, but jumping can hurt. It can ruin relationships (as in the OP and her sister)


I'm completely stunned that anyone is equating an accusation to a conviction. This is not a case of he said, she said. The man is a confirmed convicted pedophile. Talking to him isn't going to change that. This dream world reality that there is anything he can say that will change the facts of his conviction of aggrevated sexual assault of an 8 year old is well, just astounding in its denial of the realities of the truth of his conviction.

This kind of attitude puts more children at risk. I hope to God your own children never come in contact with a pedophile.


----------



## Arduinna

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should *TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.*
> 
> Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after, etc, Share concerns and what not.


It's not her sister, it's her SIL and the OPs dh did already talk to his sister, and she moved in with the guy anyway. I'm curious what this convicted pedophile could say that would make you think that it's perfectly fine for him to be around children, specifically the nephews of the OP and the OPs children.


----------



## mommariffic

To the poster who was asking:

Yes, for anyone under 14 it turns into aggravated assault.

And I'm done posting, I think that there's so so much more we aren't hearing and I'm sorry to all those that don't like my replies. I was just voicing my thoughts because the system SUCKS both ways and we are on the Internet, who knows what the real story is.


----------



## Mulvah

I agree with the majority and hopefully you will update us saying that your SIL has left him after the cops were called, CPS was called, and his parole officer was called.

Regardless, I just want to say that whether or not the man molested a child is inconsequential. He was convicted, so in the eyes of the court, he is guilty. I'm not saying the system is perfect, but this is someone who was convicted of molesting a child; it should be taken seriously. (Also, yes, accusations happen in custody disputes and when it is false, it is often discovered to be false. Again, not at all implying that the system is perfect.) Furthermore, an innocent is likely to bring this up in conversation before proposing. That is a red flag. My harsh opinion is that this sex offender is preying on your SIL because of her children.

I'm sorry your entire family is going through this and I pray her children are not impacted by it.


----------



## Mulvah

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> To the poster who was asking:
> 
> Yes, for anyone under 14 it turns into aggravated assault.
> 
> And I'm done posting, I think that there's so so much more we aren't hearing and I'm sorry to all those that don't like my replies. I was just voicing my thoughts because the system SUCKS both ways and we are on the Internet, who knows what the real story is.


I haven't read your previous responses, but yes, the system does suck. I think this situation is where the saying "better to be safe than sorry" is best used!


----------



## VisionaryMom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *scottishmommy*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> Yes, that bears repeating. An aggravated sexual assault means that there was injury or permanent damage done. This wasn't fondling or even what I'd consider molesting (not that those aren't damaging). This was actual harm being done to a child. This man was CONVICTED of causing injury to a child in the commission of a sex offense.
> 
> 
> 
> I could be totally wrong, but I thought that sexual assault against a child under 14 is automatically considered aggravated sexual assault. Whereas in the case of an adult victim it implies physical maimings, kidnapping etc.
Click to expand...

In some states, it may be that way, but many states have the system set up in a sort of tiered system, so that you can be charged with molestation, which is inappropriate touching, including genital contact. Sexual assault would include any type of penetration, and aggravated means either danger or in at least one state it means penetration with a foreign object.


----------



## GuildJenn

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> 
> Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should *TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.*
> 
> Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after, etc, Share concerns and what not.


The OP's DH, the SIL's brother, did talk to her. She moved in anyway.

OP, I just wanted to give you some hope actually. We were in a similar situation a number of years ago and my DH and I voiced our concerns about the man my SIL was involved with. It took her a few months, but she did eventually break off the relationship. I do think our having said something contributed to her ability to get it together...we all wish she had done so earlier, but the important thing was that she did come to that decision.

I also agree though that cutting contact may punish the kids more than anyone else. I would try to stay in contact, and if possible see the kids and even the SIL without the pedophile BF around (invite them over or whatever).

In terms of the benefit of the doubt...I am a believer in second chances. When the person who is affected by giving the second chance is able to cope with the consequences of that not working out. In this case there are children involved who should not have to pay the price of an error in judgment. There are SO MANY WAYS TO DATE that do not involve moving one's kids in with a convicted pedophile.


----------



## scottishmommy

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> In some states, it may be that way, but many states have the system set up in a sort of tiered system, so that you can be charged with molestation, which is inappropriate touching, including genital contact. Sexual assault would include any type of penetration, and aggravated means either danger or in at least one state it means penetration with a foreign object.


Ugh. Just thinking about this makes my stomach turn.
I've been thinking about this thread a lot. I do believe that there are men who are wrongfully accused and convicted of these crimes. I have a very dear friend in that situation. The difference is that my friend is totally by the book when it comes to his parole. And I mean by the book. He doesn't have a computer or email address because he doesn't want any well meaning friends to send him pictures of their children( birth announcements, etc.) He never leaves the city where he lives without notifying his parole officer and getting permission in writing to go to another town (even if it is in the same state). The list goes on. He's also incredibly open about what happened to him. His girlfriend and her family know everything. Everyone in our community knows. It's not a secret.


----------



## chaoticzenmom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MittensKittens*
> 
> Thanks for your support. I did not share my experience because I want pity, or anything similar, but to show that children in such situations NEED and DESERVE support. *Why is it that sexual predators are so often given the benefit of the doubt, while children who tell their parents, or teachers, or anyone else about sexual abuse are not heard? There is something very wrong with that situation.*
> 
> I'm fine now. Of course, stuff like this does leave lasting marks on a person. I no longer have much or any contact with my mother, and the relatives who talked about the situation with her and all concluded I was lying.


Bolding mine

People are scared to confront other adults with an accusation so horrible. It's gonna rock their world and it's much easier to file it under "must have been a misunderstanding" than to take action and risk the pain that you know will come to YOU when you confront. You may be called a liar, you may be ostracized, a mother may fear for the financial security of her family, a friend may fear losing a friend. It's amazing to me how people can know this stuff is going on and go on about their business.

Everyone in my family knew, everyone in my school knew and finally, I just stopped talking about it because it was easier than to deal with the whole thing. It was scary as hell to sit in that big official room, in the middle on a cold chair surrounded by strange grownups who wanted to hear my story (this was some kind of initial jury, not sure what). They didn't get 1/4th of it because of the intimidating setup of the room. I certainly didn't want to go through that again and it hadn't worked the first time, so why would it work the 2nd time. Every-time I told, something bad happened and the problem still continued. My mother would ask me "Nothing's happening anymore, right?" and look at me so scared of my answer. I finally just said "no, nothing's happening."

When I hear about people like the OP and her husband, I'm in awe. They're the exception, to face the fear and act anyway. I guess it's easier if you don't know the guy and there's already a pretty firm record of what he did in the past. It would be much harder if it were someone you already knew (or thought you did) who is enmeshed in your life.


----------



## Lucy Alden

I'm coming back to this thread yet again.

To all you mamas that have survived sexual abuse, thank you for sharing your stories. You have shown why it is so very important to speak up and protect our children. And my heart is breaking that there was no one in your lives to do the same.

Mommarific, I know you have already left the thread but I look at it this way:

If the man was wrongfully convicted, his life is already damaged. He is an adult and can work day and night to correct the conviction if it is wrong.

However, if the man was correctly convicted, there are many children whose lives WILL be damaged. They are children and do not have a voice to prevent said damage.

We have an obligation to protect those who cannot protect themselves. In this case, it is the children he's coming into contact with.

And I am coming at this as someone who has never been sexually assaulted and is pretty free range with my kids. But even I can see the train wreck that will happen if no one steps in.


----------



## MittensKittens

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chaoticzenmom*
> 
> Bolding mine
> 
> People are scared to confront other adults with an accusation so horrible. It's gonna rock their world and it's much easier to file it under "must have been a misunderstanding" than to take action and risk the pain that you know will come to YOU when you confront. You may be called a liar, you may be ostracized, a mother may fear for the financial security of her family, a friend may fear losing a friend. It's amazing to me how people can know this stuff is going on and go on about their business.
> 
> Everyone in my family knew, everyone in my school knew and finally, I just stopped talking about it because it was easier than to deal with the whole thing. It was scary as hell to sit in that big official room, in the middle on a cold chair surrounded by strange grownups who wanted to hear my story (this was some kind of initial jury, not sure what). They didn't get 1/4th of it because of the intimidating setup of the room. I certainly didn't want to go through that again and it hadn't worked the first time, so why would it work the 2nd time. Every-time I told, something bad happened and the problem still continued. My mother would ask me "Nothing's happening anymore, right?" and look at me so scared of my answer. I finally just said "no, nothing's happening."
> 
> When I hear about people like the OP and her husband, I'm in awe. They're the exception, to face the fear and act anyway. I guess it's easier if you don't know the guy and there's already a pretty firm record of what he did in the past. It would be much harder if it were someone you already knew (or thought you did) who is enmeshed in your life.


I am sorry. That "interrogation" sounds daunting. How old were you?

You're right, the OP and her husband are the exception, and it's great to know there are such fine people about.


----------



## chaoticzenmom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MittensKittens*
> 
> I am sorry. That "interrogation" sounds daunting. How old were you?
> 
> You're right, the OP and her husband are the exception, and it's great to know there are such fine people about.


I was 12. I'm 35 now, so I hope that there have been some changes on how that's handled these days. These kinds of stories really bring out the personal stories. I hope the OP's SIL wakes up.


----------



## sosurreal09

everyone. Sometimes people just suck. I could never see a child in any danger and just look away.

Mommarific- I hope you never let any man who was convicted or any charge of molestation around your children based on his "word" that even though the system has found him guilty. Of course a molester is going to say "Oh no the gov is corrupt, the system is wrong, I am innocent! Now let me play with your kids." I am sorry but you opinions are dead wrong when it comes to this. It's more than better safe than sorry, it's more than "we are on a forum and don't know the whole story", it is about saving the children period. He was tried and convicted that is the only thing that you need to know before calling the cops, CPS, and any other authority you see fit. A conviction is not something to be over looked b/c of the very slim possibility that the system got it all wrong and this guy is a total saint.


----------



## Adaline'sMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lucy Alden*
> 
> I'm coming back to this thread yet again.
> 
> To all you mamas that have survived sexual abuse, thank you for sharing your stories. You have shown why it is so very important to speak up and protect our children. And my heart is breaking that there was no one in your lives to do the same.
> 
> Mommarific, I know you have already left the thread but I look at it this way:
> 
> *If the man was wrongfully convicted, his life is already damaged. He is an adult and can work day and night to correct the conviction if it is wrong.*
> 
> However, if the man was correctly convicted, there are many children whose lives WILL be damaged. They are children and do not have a voice to prevent said damage.
> 
> We have an obligation to protect those who cannot protect themselves. In this case, it is the children he's coming into contact with.
> 
> And I am coming at this as someone who has never been sexually assaulted and is pretty free range with my kids. But even I can see the train wreck that will happen if no one steps in.


Agreed, and I just wanted to chime in that if he had a false conviction, it seems like it would have been one of the first things he told his new girlfriend. If he was innocent, he shouldnt have a problem saying, "Hey, I just want to let you know before things move further that I have been falsely convicted of this and I dont want you hearing it through the rumor mill or thinking that I was keeping it from you."


----------



## VocalMinority

Scary. But not simplistic.

When I started seeing my husband, my Dad looked into his background and my parents wanted to know how on Earth I (with 2 kids already) could date someone who had beaten his ex-wife and little boy? Some ex-wives do, indeed, make things up. And the more I've gotten to know about DH's ex, the more it surprises me that she's never upped the ante to a false molestation allegation. After all, she has accused 2 other men in her life of molesting her - and later *recanted*, when she "reconciled" with those men.

Courts also wrongly convict people. There is nothing simple or fail-safe about our judicial system. Women tend to come across more sympathetically than men. It is easy for most people to buy into stereotypes of the victimized child from a broken home; the valiant, protective single mother who needs society's support; the abusive man who singlehandedly destroyed his family. It is harder for people to cross the threshold of initial disbelief and buy into stories about sweet-seeming women who, beneath the surface, are master manipulators who wreak hateful vengeance on men who leave them, by carefully crafting horrific stories that discredit the man for life and destroy his relationship with their children. But - *sometimes* - sweet-seeming women really are like that. Sometimes, the nice legal theory of "innocent until proven guilty" is a bunch of bunk and a man is treated as guilty unless he can find overwhelming proof of his innocence. And it can be tough to prove you *didn't* do something. My DH has never been convicted of any of his ex-wife's accusations, but it is pure luck. For example, one of the times his ex accused him of stalking her, trying to break into her house and threatening to kill her, the random day/time she chose to assign to that complaint *happened* to be while DH was in a meeting - out of state - with a federal contracts officer. And federal contracts officers just happen to keep detailed logs of their work days, which are admissible - and credible - in court. Had DH been jogging, alone in his office, or with someone a jury might believe would lie for him (like his mother, or me) during the hour his ex-wife claimed he did these things, he would have been unable to *prove* he was innocent and would certainly have served time in jail. Also, prosecutors commonly encourage people to plead guilty to a lesser charge (even when the person insists they're innocent), by talking up their case as though there's no chance the person will "get off" if they go to trial. That tactic on the part of the prosecutor can be absolutely terrifying. My DH is an unusual person. He did not give in, went to trial, demanded a jury and won. But if jury members had found his ex more sympathetic, who knows how it would've gone? It was all he said/she said. In short, I can absolutely understand why some people would plead guilty to something they didn't do, for fear of receiving even worse consequences, for something *worse* that they also didn't do. Sometimes people are just f***ed, one way or the other, from the moment a person who hates them decides to falsely accuse them.

On the other hand, there are people who do, indeed, molest children! So, shouldn't women err on the side of caution and steer clear of any guy who's accused, much less convicted? You certainly can't blame any woman who chooses that path. Honestly? It's the path I would choose. But, it's tragic to think that a bitter ex-wife might render a man "untouchable" by falsely accusing him of molesting their child. Not only does he endure the Hell of prosecution, but he's doomed to be alone forever?

Personally, by the time I started dating my now-DH, I felt 100% sure about him *because* he was up-front with me (long before my Dad found out about the abuse allegations from his ex); he never avoided answering my (endless) questions; he gave me access to their (enormous) legal files so I could read for myself everything his ex-wife had said about him (and how he responded); and he didn't mind when I searched online databases for police reports or court dockets that might not have been in his files. Basically, his stories were very consistent. Hers were wildly inconsistent. And many times, when she was pressed to define what the alleged "abuse" actually was, it was not what I would call abuse (like showing up for visitation even when she told DH she didn't want him to come that week). It would not have been OK with *me*, to find out *after* we committed to each other, that DH had a criminal history.

But, did your sister really not know? Is it possible she's discussed this with her fiance ad nauseum, but didn't feel comfortable telling anyone else, so she feigned surprise when you brought it up? Also, like I said, my DH is an unusual person. I can see why other men - if they have been falsely accused - might think the only way to have a relationship afterward would be to keep quiet about it. I think that's a bad approach, but it doesn't necessarily mean they were guilty.

So the bottom line is, what do you know about your sister? Does she usually have a good head on her shoulders, or is she impulsive? What kind of decisions did she make, before this guy came along? How careful a parent is she? How well did she seem to know this guy, before you found out about his past? If I were you, I wouldn't let my own kids be in her home without me and, even when I was with my kids at her house, I would make sure my kids and my new BIL weren't out of my sight at the same time. But as far as intervening in the custody of HER kids (which would be a major - probably irreparable - breach in your relationship), *how much do you trust her to make good decisions?* There's a *chance* she really does know this guy - and the situation - well enough to feel confident he's safe.


----------



## Ambystoma

OP-it's not your worry about whether he may be innocent or not. If you report to CPS/parole/police/family members (all of which I would do!), and he is in the right legally, no harm no foul. They might be irritated at you for a bit, but that's not the worst thing ever.

If you don't report and he is not innocent (which I would be inclined to believe since he was convicted) then who knows what could happen.

I agree with those that say report and put it into the government/police's hands.


----------



## shantimama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> Agreed, and I just wanted to chime in that if he had a false conviction, it seems like it would have been one of the first things he told his new girlfriend. If he was innocent, he shouldnt have a problem saying, "Hey, I just want to let you know before things move further that I have been falsely convicted of this and I dont want you hearing it through the rumor mill or thinking that I was keeping it from you."












It is so hard to get sexual offenders convicted in the first place and sentences are usually pathetically short when they do happen. I have a really hard time believing that there are many falsely accused and convicted men out there. I know there are some but I also know that there are a great many victims and survivors whose attackers never got caught or if they did, got away with their crimes. Courts don't convict sexual offenders easily because of the harm such a record can do to their lives. It seems that usually it is assumed it is much better to let a child's life be devastated than taking the risk of falsely accusing and harming some nice man.

It is far more likely that an offender will deny their guilt than a child will falsely accuse someone of hurting them in such a shameful and devastating way. Even when there is evidence there are lawyers who are able to get a sexual offender deemed "innocent" of the crime. People are more likely to get away with raping a child than robbing a convenience store.


----------



## kama'aina mama

I am shocked and saddened that a number of people are convinced that men are convicted of abusing children on little or no evidence "all the time." I think that if you had ever had any actual experience with the criminal justice system, around this issue in particular, you would not believe that. It is very difficult to get a conviction in cases of this nature. This contention that "bitter ex-wives" are throwing men in prison in droves, just on their word, is offensive and dangerous.


----------



## Arduinna

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Jeannine*
> *Also, prosecutors commonly encourage people to plead guilty to a lesser charge* (even when the person insists they're innocent), by talking up their case as though there's no chance the person will "get off" if they go to trial. That tactic on the part of the prosecutor can be absolutely terrifying.


 *if you plead guilty to child sexual abuse you better expect that normal mentally healthy people are not going to give you access to their children.* Period. You aren't even allowed within X distance from schools or places children congregate. I'd be extremely surprised if he is even legally allowed to live in the same home with children. So that right there is a HUGE red flag. We have no evidence to assume that OPs SIL lied when she told him she didn't know. In fact it's much more likely if she did know she would have said so. All she did was make herself look even worse for moving in with him after being told of his conviction.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> I am shocked and saddened that a number of people are convinced that men are convicted of abusing children on little or no evidence "all the time." I think that if you had ever had any actual experience with the criminal justice system, around this issue in particular, you would not believe that. It is very difficult to get a conviction in cases of this nature. This contention that "bitter ex-wives" are throwing men in prison in droves, just on their word, is offensive and dangerous.


This is one of the issues where personal bias plays a huge role in whether or not someone get a conviction or evidence... The wrong persecutor, or the wrong CPS worker, or the wrong jurists and the person being accused is guaranteed a conviction whether the evidence is enough to support it or not. Just like the wrong people involved in the whole thing can get a defendant off when there is enough evidence to support it.

The reason it is difficult to get a conviction is the same reason there are plenty of people who get wrongly convicted. Most of the evidence involved ends up being circumstantial or witness testimony rather than something that is undeniable proof of guilt or innocence.


----------



## laohaire

Of all the people I know were molested as children or raped in general, none of their perpetrators were brought to justice in any way, shape or form.

My high school best friend, molested or raped by her father - nobody ever believed her and her father, a prominent and well-respected physician, is happily living his life with not a single charge or even question brought against him. My friend did not survive this, she took her own life at age 22 after a lifetime of everyone pinning it on her (she was "crazy").

My mother (and, I assume, my aunt), molested as small children in the foster care system - zip, zilch, nada.

My mother's (adopted) cousin, molested by her father - when she tried to come out about this, her mother chose her husband over her and the family cut the cousin off rather than deal with it. No criminal charges were pursued by the cousin, of course.

My friend's boyfriend's sister, raped by another brother - nothing. Zip. The rapist is a sociopath and is just about to get out of jail for arson. Never served a second for rape. The mother is having a little "welcome back from jail" family get-together soon, and the sister is "expected" to come. My friend and her boyfriend are refusing to attend.

Another friend, raped as a teenager. Nothing came of it.

Same friend, her mother was molested by her brother. Her grandmother has cut her mother off for talking about it. Criminal charges, not even a chance.

I'm utterly disturbed at the number of examples I am coming up with. I don't work with abused kids or anything, I'm just talking about people I know. Oh, just thought of another one: DH went to elementary school with a sociopath. His sister apparently had tried to tell several people that the sociopath was molesting or raping her as well as beating her and everything else. Nothing came of it until he killed her. I'm just DISTURBED.

And what we're worried about is that this guy probably didn't do anything??????????????????

I. Don't. Freaking. Care.

I mean, someone said they'd believe someone was a murderer if they were caught standing over the body with a bloody knife. But you know, I'm sure some guy in the history of the world was caught in just that position and was innocent. So, what, we have to worry about that guy and figure that everybody else who was killed was just making it up?

It's funny, I don't think people are so hedgy about other convictions. If you hear your new neighbor has a drug conviction, is the first thing you think "oh, there has to be more to the story"?

Sex abuse is COMMON. It's probably more common than drug abuse!!!!!!!!!!! I can see a bunch of people shaking their heads, but seriously. We don't talk about it. We hide it. We say "oh, there must be more to the story." And that's why we're deluded.


----------



## shantimama

Well that is the problem with crimes like this. Most child molesters find a private place where there are no witnesses or cameras and they choose victims who are not likely to be believed if they even do tell anyone. They go to great lengths to ensure their victims never report them and to do all they can to make sure they won't be believed if they do tell.

My dh works in a profession where he has to be aware of not putting himself in a position where he could be falsely accused of sexual misconduct. I am well aware of the vulnerablity of some situations for men. That said, there are huge numbers of child abusers who get away with their crimes. Those who never get reported never get convicted. Those who are not believed by the parents, teachers, etc the children choose to tell - those abusers never get convicted. The court system is horrific for victims and many do not go through with accusing. Because there is of often no "proof" the abuser often goes free. There are many types of sexual violence that leave no evidence behind, especially if there is any kind of delay in reporting what happened. A simple bath or bedtime toothbrushing can wash away any evidence and at that point it is the word of an adult against a child. If the child has been told no one will believe them or something terrible will happen if they tell, then it remains a secret and the criminal walks free. The motivation of a sex offender to lie and pass as innocent is much greater than the motivation of a child to lie and expose themselves to the stress and shame of being questioned and examined for lying about sexual abuse.

It is far easier for a sexual criminal to walk free than for someone who is innocent to be tried and convicted of a sexual crime.

I have to wonder about the people who are saying we should give this poor guy the benefit of the doubt. Would you be saying the same thing if this was someone joining your family or having regular, easy access to children you love and care about?


----------



## kama'aina mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> This is one of the issues where personal bias plays a huge role in whether or not someone get a conviction or evidence... *The wrong persecutor, or the wrong CPS worker, or the wrong jurists and the person being accused is guaranteed a conviction whether the evidence is enough to support it or not.* Just like the wrong people involved in the whole thing can get a defendant off when there is enough evidence to support it.
> 
> The reason it is difficult to get a conviction is the same reason there are plenty of people who get wrongly convicted. Most of the evidence involved ends up being circumstantial or witness testimony rather than something that is undeniable proof of guilt or innocence.


I don't believe that the bolded is remotely true.


----------



## MusicianDad

It doesn't mean it rarely or never happens though. Ask Steven Truscott... It took over 40 years for him to be acquitted of rape and murder


----------



## GuildJenn

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Jeannine*
> 
> On the other hand, there are people who do, indeed, molest children! So, shouldn't women err on the side of caution and steer clear of any guy who's accused, much less convicted? You certainly can't blame any woman who chooses that path. Honestly? It's the path I would choose. But, it's tragic to think that a bitter ex-wife might render a man "untouchable" by falsely accusing him of molesting their child. Not only does he endure the Hell of prosecution, but he's doomed to be alone forever?


I think it's pretty simple: He may well be doomed not to live with a woman and her young children. There is nothing wrong with dating and loving each other but not integrating homes until the kids are older or out of the house, or dating only people without children.

I'm sorry but I don't see that as particularly tragic. Sad maybe, but not tragic.


----------



## shantimama

The down side of the justice system when it comes to sexual crimes is that by saying those who are accused are to be considered innocent until proven guilty, it is implies that the person making the accusation is considered to be lying until proven innocent. The victim has to prove that it did happen rather than the accused proving it did not happen.


----------



## kama'aina mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> It doesn't mean it rarely or never happens though. Ask Steven Truscott... It took over 40 years for him to be acquitted of rape and murder


How, exactly, does what happened to Mr Truscott proof that "*The wrong persecutor, or the wrong CPS worker, or the wrong jurists and the person being accused is guaranteed a conviction whether the evidence is enough to support it or not."??? * Which one wrong person was responsible for that miscarriage of justice? And more to the point of our current conversation, do you have anything that happened within the last 50 years we could discuss, to support this contention that men are routinely railroaded into prison on utterly unfounded charges?


----------



## NikonMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *scottishmommy*
> 
> There may be more to the story than you know. I have a dear friend who was tangled up in a vicious family feud and was falsely accused of molesting a child by his vindictive aunt. His mother and aunt had been in a bitter dispute for years and he was a victim of their squabble. He ended up pleading no contest and got 13 months or so in prison. He was terrified of facing a trial, and was advised by his lawyer to just take a plea bargain for less potential time in jail. Anyway, he's out now and has been well supported by our community. Honestly that whole situation has made me wary of child molestation charges, especially when they involve estranged ex wives etc. I'm sure that there are a lot of true pedophiles out there, but there are a lot of falsely accused men as well. Many of them are so blindsided that they simply cooperate in order to avoid life in prison. Also, at least for my friend, his parole is up, so he's allowed to go to church and be near children etc.
> Of course your future BIL could be the real deal, and obviously I wouldn't leave my kids with him. But for now I wouldn't stir up trouble, at least until you know the whole story.


The exact same thing happened to DH's uncle. He was accused and charged with 1st degree sexual assault of a minor child when he was 18 years old. He plead no contest and got out on work release after only a short period. Their family was crazy and it was like this poster said, people were mad at him so he was accused. Still to this day (that was back in the 80's) he swears that he didn't do it. I think he is a really nice guy and have no problem being around him or having my son around him. Everyone is different, though.


----------



## FoxintheSnow

OP: If I were you, I would be doing everything in my power to get those children out of that house. Call the local police dept, cps, every family member you know. Whatever it takes. I would not be giving a CONVICTED sex offender the benefit of the doubt. No way in hell.


----------



## kama'aina mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *NikonMama*
> 
> The exact same thing happened to DH's uncle. He was accused and charged with 1st degree sexual assault of a minor child when he was 18 years old. He plead no contest and got out on work release after only a short period. Their family was crazy and it was like this poster said, people were mad at him so he was accused. Still to this day (that was back in the 80's) he swears that he didn't do it. I think he is a really nice guy and have no problem being around him or having my son around him. Everyone is different, though.


Have you ever spoken to the child in question?


----------



## Storm Bride

I guess I don't understand giving the guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was wrongly convicted. (I'm sure it does happen. I'm equally sure it doesn't happen "all the time".) So what? If he took a plea bargain, then he had to know that this was going to affect his future. If, by some chance, he isn't actually pedophile, then I guess he should still be trying to find women who don't happen to live with minors. There are lots of women out there who have no children at all, or only grown children. The fact is that he's been convicted of sexual assault of a minor (and we're not talking about some iffy kind of "she's close to the age of consent, and post-pubescent, and it was mutual" thing - this ia eight year old). He's a registered sex offender for that crime. IMO, any woman who would move this guy into her home, with her children, is not thinking straight and has seriously effed up priorities.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> How, exactly, does what happened to Mr Truscott proof that "*The wrong persecutor, or the wrong CPS worker, or the wrong jurists and the person being accused is guaranteed a conviction whether the evidence is enough to support it or not."??? * Which one wrong person was responsible for that miscarriage of justice? And more to the point of our current conversation, do you have anything that happened within the last 50 years we could discuss, to support this contention that men are routinely railroaded into prison on utterly unfounded charges?


I picked Mr. Truscott because he was the first name that came to mind. It has happened in this past 50 year, I don't doubt that. As for who? The police were probably the biggest players since they were the ones that got in in their head he was guilty before they finished talking to everyone and ignore three people would could put Mr. Truscott else where at the time of the murder.

You want cases of false allegations that turned into false convictions from the last ten years? Google "Day care sex abuse hysteria" and see what you can find. Plenty of people got wrongfully convicted during the 80's and 90's because of it.

The fact that criminals get off is no reason to down play the seriousness of the wrong person being convicted. The wrong person going to jail does not help anyone, not the victim, not the system, not the accused. The only person who benefits, when the crime is real, is the person who committed it, who no longer has to worry about facing jail time for it because someone else is already there in their place.


----------



## Super~Single~Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Jeannine*
> 
> But, did your sister really not know? Is it possible she's discussed this with her fiance ad nauseum, but didn't feel comfortable telling anyone else, so she feigned surprise when you brought it up? Also, like I said, my DH is an unusual person. I can see why other men - if they have been falsely accused - might think the only way to have a relationship afterward would be to keep quiet about it. I think that's a bad approach, but it doesn't necessarily mean they were guilty.


Well, this is just me, but I do not want to have anything at all to do with ANYONE who hangs out with me and my ds and fails to mention a little thing like being convicted of aggravated sexual assault of a child.

And really, the first thing I'm doing when I find out, is RUNNING the other way. Because my DS deserves to be kept safe. I don't much care if he's innocent or not, b/c its not my job to sort that out or fix it.

I really don't think your DH is "unusual" - I think he's "Responsible", and there is a HUGE difference between those 2 things. I'm pretty sure if your DH was on Parole when he met you he would have told you, and if one of the conditions was that he couldn't be around children, he would have told you that too, and made sure NOT to be around your two LO's (I know your kids are teens now, but I don't know how old they were when you met your DH)


----------



## Annie Mac

Question, kind of related to the OP's situation, but really a spin-off: if a convicted molester is not supposed to have contact with kids, are there any restrictions on them if they proceed to have their own children? Do they face the same kind of sanctions with their own post-conviction children?

ETA: Oh, and there has been mention of contacting the parole officer. How does one discover who this parole officer is, and where to get in touch with them? If they are no longer under the supervision of a parole officer, does that mean they're completely off the hook for their previous crimes? Ie, there is no one to appeal to until (and if) they offend again?


----------



## A&A

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> I am shocked and saddened that a number of people are convinced that men are convicted of abusing children on little or no evidence "all the time." I think that if you had ever had any actual experience with the criminal justice system, around this issue in particular, you would not believe that. It is very difficult to get a conviction in cases of this nature. This contention that "bitter ex-wives" are throwing men in prison in droves, just on their word, is offensive and dangerous.


Exactly. My vindictive ex-SIL tried this type of allegation against my brother, but the judge threw it out. There was just no evidence.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Annie Mac*
> 
> Question, kind of related to the OP's situation, but really a spin-off: if a convicted molester is not supposed to have contact with kids, are there any restrictions on them if they proceed to have their own children? Do they face the same kind of sanctions with their own post-conviction children?
> 
> ETA: Oh, and there has been mention of contacting the parole officer. How does one discover who this parole officer is, and where to get in touch with them? If they are no longer under the supervision of a parole officer, does that mean they're completely off the hook for their previous crimes? Ie, there is no one to appeal to until (and if) they offend again?


I don't know about your first question, but to your second. they are not completely off the hook for their previous crimes. If they commit the same type of crime again, it will be taken into consideration by the court in many jurisdictions. It is also take into consideration in the event of a complaint against them. So if someone has been convicted of aggravated sexual abuse of a minor, and you suspect they are doing the same thing again to a stepchild, when you contact the police they will most likely take into consideration the fact that this person already has that on their record.

Theoretically that is. It's not going to happen in every case.

Though someone with a previous sexual offence on their record would have a considerably more difficult time finding a job, even if the job doesn't directly relate to children or the demographic they targeted (if it's not children).


----------



## SuburbanHippie

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> That's different from being unregistered though. Being unregistered means not registered at all, under any address.


That is false information. There is no leeway because he WAS registered at a former address. If you don't update your address, you are unregistered. Point blank.

OP, if it has been more than 10 days since his move, you need to contact his parole officer and/or the police to make sure he did in fact change his address. They also need to know that he will be living with minors because there is a good possibility that he is not allowed to. This shouldn't be a "wait and see" type of thing. Those kids need you to speak up for them.


----------



## kama'aina mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> I picked Mr. Truscott because he was the first name that came to mind. It has happened in this past 50 year, I don't doubt that. As for who? The police were probably the biggest players since they were the ones that got in in their head he was guilty before they finished talking to everyone and ignore three people would could put Mr. Truscott else where at the time of the murder.
> 
> You want cases of false allegations that turned into false convictions from the last ten years? Google "Day care sex abuse hysteria" and see what you can find. Plenty of people got wrongfully convicted during the 80's and 90's because of it.
> 
> The fact that criminals get off is no reason to down play the seriousness of the wrong person being convicted. The wrong person going to jail does not help anyone, not the victim, not the system, not the accused. The only person who benefits, when the crime is real, is the person who committed it, who no longer has to worry about facing jail time for it because someone else is already there in their place.


What EXACTLY are you getting at? I am certain I never said that no one was ever falsely accused or falsely convicted... but what do those cases, ones where there was a huge public awareness and hysteria, and all of which happened in the 80's or early 90's, and the outcomes of which have done much to inform the way allegations of child sexual abuse are handled now... what do any of those cases of to do with a conviction in 2002 of charges against a single victim?


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> What EXACTLY are you getting at? I am certain I never said that no one was ever falsely accused or falsely convicted... but what do those cases, ones where there was a huge public awareness and hysteria, and all of which happened in the 80's or early 90's, and the outcomes of which have done much to inform the way allegations of child sexual abuse are handled now... what do any of those cases of to do with a conviction in 2002 of charges against a single victim?


You are asking for evidence that it happens more than rarely... I gave it to you. I have nothing to say on this specific case because I have no clue what happened with it. I'd be more inclined to trust the conviction than what the person says.

I am just point out to everyone saying "false convictions hardly ever happen because it's hard to get a real conviction" that *false convictions happen far more often then we would like to think.*


----------



## APToddlerMama

OP--no time to read through the entire thread but I hope you have called both CPS and the police already. If not, please do so ASAP. You *owe* it to those kids. If mom isn't going to protect them, someone has to. Please, please, pllllllllllease call. This guy probably isn't even allowed to be living with kids.


----------



## APToddlerMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> You are asking for evidence that it happens more than rarely... I gave it to you. I have nothing to say on this specific case because I have no clue what happened with it. I'd be more inclined to trust the conviction than what the person says.
> 
> I am just point out to everyone saying "false convictions hardly ever happen because it's hard to get a real conviction" that *false convictions happen far more often then we would like to think.*


I am curious as to where you are getting your facts other than your own opinion because I have never seen a single ounce of data to prove this, and having worked with kids who have been sexually abused professionally, I *highly* doubt this to be true.

Regardless, why on earth would you want to test out your theory on innocent children?


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> I am curious as to where you are getting your facts other than your own opinion because I have never seen a single ounce of data to prove this, and having worked with kids who have been sexually abused professionally, I *highly* doubt this to be true.
> 
> *Regardless, why on earth would you want to test out your theory on innocent children?*


Where the hell did I say that? Give it to me. Show me exactly where I said we should let convicted pedophiles out to attack children again just so I could prove myself right?

It happens. Whether you want to admit it or not. It happens because the justice system is not perfect. It happens because the subject is so touchy people either don't want to admit it happens (and guilty people go free) or they get all up in arms and can't listen to reason (innocent people go to jail). It happens because we haven't found a way yet to provide cold, hard, indisputable evidence that someone attacked someone else when DNA isn't left behind. The same issues that let guilty people go free, let innocent people get locked up. The last thing the victim of a sexual assault wants to see is someone who didn't do it go to jail, while the person who did do it walks free.


----------



## kama'aina mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> You are asking for evidence that it happens more than rarely... I gave it to you. I have nothing to say on this specific case because I have no clue what happened with it. I'd be more inclined to trust the conviction than what the person says.
> 
> I am just point out to everyone saying "false convictions hardly ever happen because it's hard to get a real conviction" that *false convictions happen far more often then we would like to think.*


And I still contend that, no, it does not. I did a sort of straw poll on that google search you asked me to make. 18 cases mention, 6 of which involved wrong convictions that were later overturned. In very high profile cases where there was a lot of hysteria and presumably pressure on the PTB to reach a hasty conclusion to the situation, which makes the whole thing more about politics than about child abuse. Also "happened" is different than "happens". The understanding of how to appropriately interview young children about these matters has moved forward a great deal in the last 25 years, partly as a result of the cases you referred to. Someone tries to tell me they were a victim of a coerced statement from a child in 1987 I might buy it. In 2002? Not so much.

And again, what does "far more often than we think" mean? No one has said it never happens. No one. We are saying it is not a huge number, not numerically, nor proportionally. Not compared to the guilty who walk free. Occam's Razor and all. When I hear hoof beats I'm gonna guess there is a horse coming, not a zebra.


----------



## Super~Single~Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> It happens. Whether you want to admit it or not. It happens because the justice system is not perfect. It happens because the subject is so touchy people either don't want to admit it happens (and guilty people go free) or they get all up in arms and can't listen to reason (innocent people go to jail). It happens because we haven't found a way yet to provide cold, hard, indisputable evidence that someone attacked someone else when DNA isn't left behind. The same issues that let guilty people go free, let innocent people get locked up. The last thing the victim of a sexual assault wants to see is someone who didn't do it go to jail, while the person who did do it walks free.


Yeah, it sucks, the system sucks, people get convicted for the right reasons or for the wrong reasons, and people get acquitted for the right or wrong reasons as well.

Thats why there is an appeal system, that is not left up to a jury, but to a judge. The first appeal by a convicted individual is a matter of right, and they get an appeal no matter what the basis. Past that it gets harder, as the 2nd, 3rd, 4th appeal are not as a matter of right, but up to the court whether they hear the case or not.

If a person is wrongly convicted, my expectation is that they follow their parole/probation/whatever until an appeal overturns that conviction. Even if it means no contact with kids (who really should be considered society's most precious possessions - even though they aren't possessions exactly, they should be treated with utmost care).

MD - I don't think you were saying OP shouldn't stand up for the boys, and yeah, unfortunately, people are wrongly convicted far too often.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> And I still contend that, no, it does not. I did a sort of straw poll on that google search you asked me to make. 18 cases mention, 6 of which involved wrong convictions that were later overturned. In very high profile cases where there was a lot of hysteria and presumably pressure on the PTB to reach a hasty conclusion to the situation, which makes the whole thing more about politics than about child abuse. Also "happened" is different than "happens". The understanding of how to appropriately interview young children about these matters has moved forward a great deal in the last 25 years, partly as a result of the cases you referred to. Someone tries to tell me they were a victim of a coerced statement from a child in 1987 I might buy it. In 2002? Not so much.
> 
> And again, what does "far more often than we think" mean? No one has said it never happens. No one. We are saying it is not a huge number, not numerically, nor proportionally. Not compared to the guilty who walk free. Occam's Razor and all. When I hear hoof beats I'm gonna guess there is a horse coming, not a zebra.


How many of the guilty walk free become someone else stood trial for their crime?

One thing that make a case against someone fall flat is if another person was tried for it, even if they are found innocent, because it give the defense a chance to say "see the witness doesn't know what she/he is talking about!"

It's not as rare as we would like to think it is. We want to think it's one in a billion, but it's not.

I'm not saying that you're saying it never happens. I'm just saying that it's more often than people want to admit. Then again you and I might have a different definition of "too high a number". When it comes to sexual abuse, one is too high, if only because it means a damn good chance that one is the same number of sexual abusers that are free to carry on with no one the wiser.


----------



## eclipse

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> How many of the guilty walk free become someone else stood trial for their crime?
> 
> .


I would guess (and I admit that this isn't something I have statistical knowledge about), that this happens very, very, very infrequently. Considering the percentage of sexual assaults that are never even reported, the number for which there is not a specific person accused (meaning the victim does not know who the perpetrator is), the number of case where there is a person accused but no one is ever arrested (for whatever reason), the number where an arrest is made but charges are dropped due to lack of evidence, etc . . .I'd say the wrong person getting convicted being the cause for someone who was actually the criminal walking free happens infrequently enough to not be statistically significant.

I would also suggest that false accusations probably happen far, far, far more frequently than false convictions. Are there people in recent and current times who get convicted that aren't guilty? Probably. But I would say the number we'/re talking about is very very small. Obviously, that doesn't mean a damn thing if you're the person being falsely accused/convicted - but I'm not really sure why it's relevant in this situation at all.


----------



## kama'aina mama

I have already answered that I think the answer is "not very many." Both numerical and proportionally. I am also growing increasingly disgusted with your choice to make a political and theoretical argument in a thread started by a woman who is in anguish because she is afraid of what might happen to her nephews.


----------



## iamleabee

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shantimama*
> 
> Well that is the problem with crimes like this. Most child molesters find a private place where there are no witnesses or cameras and they choose victims who are not likely to be believed if they even do tell anyone. They go to great lengths to ensure their victims never report them and to do all they can to make sure they won't be believed if they do tell.
> 
> My dh works in a profession where he has to be aware of not putting himself in a position where he could be falsely accused of sexual misconduct. I am well aware of the vulnerablity of some situations for men. That said, there are huge numbers of child abusers who get away with their crimes. Those who never get reported never get convicted. Those who are not believed by the parents, teachers, etc the children choose to tell - those abusers never get convicted. The court system is horrific for victims and many do not go through with accusing. Because there is of often no "proof" the abuser often goes free. There are many types of sexual violence that leave no evidence behind, especially if there is any kind of delay in reporting what happened. A simple bath or bedtime toothbrushing can wash away any evidence and at that point it is the word of an adult against a child. If the child has been told no one will believe them or something terrible will happen if they tell, then it remains a secret and the criminal walks free. The motivation of a sex offender to lie and pass as innocent is much greater than the motivation of a child to lie and expose themselves to the stress and shame of being questioned and examined for lying about sexual abuse.
> 
> It is far easier for a sexual criminal to walk free than for someone who is innocent to be tried and convicted of a sexual crime.
> 
> *I have to wonder about the people who are saying we should give this poor guy the benefit of the doubt. Would you be saying the same thing if this was someone joining your family or having regular, easy access to children you love and care about?*


um, yes. i have to wonder if the "wait and see" approach of some people here is because we are talking about theoretical risk to the children of someone on the internet? would you be so cavalier with your own children, placing them in daily contact with a known sex offender? with your children's friends? even if this dude leaves his nephews alone just being around children puts him in frequent contact with other children...children and parents who do not have the benefit of making the risk analysis that the OP's sister made (well, he's a convicted child sex offender but i'm OK with him being around my children...). and then, if something happened to one of her nephews or the nephew's friends or relatives of the nephew's friends, to know it could have been prevented from the outset!


----------



## Arduinna

I don't get it either. In fact I'm pretty disgusted by it.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> I am also growing increasingly disgusted with your choice to make a political and theoretical argument in a thread started by a woman who is in anguish because she is afraid of what might happen to her nephews.


Interesting you should say that, considering you were involved in this part of the conversation before I was...


----------



## APToddlerMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Where the hell did I say that? Give it to me. Show me exactly where I said we should let convicted pedophiles out to attack children again just so I could prove myself right?


Correct me if I am wrong, but it *sounds* as though you are saying that innocent people are convicted of sexual assault, therefore, we should give those who are convicted of sexual assault the benefit of the doubt and assume that there is a substantial chance that they are in fact innocent. And, that being the case, trust that they are safe with our children. That is what it sounds like you are saying.

And I am saying that I don't care if 99% of convicted pedophiles are actually innocent (which they aren't). I would not trust a single one of them around my child. EVER. Children are too precious.


----------



## APToddlerMama

Also, MusicianDad--Where do your facts come from? Of course the judicial system is flawed. But do you really think there are lots of innocent people convicted of sex crimes? Enough to give this dude the benefit of the doubt? That assertation is outlandish.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> Correct me if I am wrong, but it *sounds* as though you are saying that innocent people are convicted of sexual assault, therefore, we should give those who are convicted of sexual assault the benefit of the doubt and assume that there is a substantial chance that they are in fact innocent. And, that being the case, trust that they are safe with our children. That is what it sounds like you are saying.
> 
> And I am saying that I don't care if 99% of convicted pedophiles are actually innocent (which they aren't). I would not trust a single one of them around my child. EVER. Children are too precious.


No, I'm am saying we can't ignore the fact that innocent people are convicted of sexual assault not matter how we feel about it. I didn't say anything about giving any one the benefit of the doubt. I do believe I said this though:

Quote:


> I'd be more inclined to trust the conviction than what the person says.


Right here, at the top of the page. Read my post http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1307797/sil-marrying-a-pedophile/120#post_16387468


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> Also, MusicianDad--Where do your facts come from? Of course the judicial system is flawed. But do you really think there are lots of innocent people convicted of sex crimes? Enough to give this dude the benefit of the doubt? That assertation is outlandish.


Ok... again...

I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT GIVING ANYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT!

I said people get falsely convicted. I said the number of people getting falsely convicted is higher than we would like to believe. Yes, "WE" that includes myself. The idea that someone is being locked up for another persons crime scares the hell out of me.

I never said we should give this person or anyone else convicted the benefit of the doubt. Maybe tentatively if the conviction was overturned. But only then.


----------



## APToddlerMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> No, I'm am saying we can't ignore the fact that innocent people are convicted of sexual assault not matter how we feel about it. I didn't say anything about giving any one the benefit of the doubt. I do believe I said this though:
> 
> Right here, at the top of the page. Read my post http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1307797/sil-marrying-a-pedophile/120#post_16387468


Then what is your point exactly? So what? Innocent people are sometimes (rarely) convicted of crimes. So what? It has nothing to do with OPs situation. Nothing. She needs to act as if this guy is guilty (which he nearly undoubtedly is anyhow) in order to protect these kids.


----------



## APToddlerMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Ok... again...
> 
> I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT GIVING ANYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT!
> 
> I said people get falsely convicted. I said the number of people getting falsely convicted is higher than we would like to believe. Yes, "WE" that includes myself. The idea that someone is being locked up for another persons crime scares the hell out of me.
> 
> I never said we should give this person or anyone else convicted the benefit of the doubt. Maybe tentatively if the conviction was overturned. But only then.


You strongly imply it by hijacking a thread about protecting kids from a sex predator to bring up the fact that sometimes people are wrongly convicted of crimes.


----------



## MusicianDad

Since I was just trying to point out that false convictions actually happen... And more than just once in a life time, and not trying to convince people we should let convicted sex offenders roam the streets as some people are trying to argue I am saying. I am out.

I made my point.

Believe if you want to.

A broken system won't fix itself. Work on getting the right people in jail, instead of the wrong people.

I do not advise you do expose your children to a convicted sex offender.


----------



## Arduinna

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> No, I'm am saying we can't ignore the fact that innocent people are convicted of sexual assault not matter how we feel about it.


Actually we can. And for the safety of children we need to take convictions at their face value.


----------



## APToddlerMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Since I was just trying to point out that false convictions actually happen... And more than just once in a life time, and not trying to convince people we should let convicted sex offenders roam the streets as some people are trying to argue I am saying. I am out.
> 
> I made my point.
> 
> Believe if you want to.
> 
> A broken system won't fix itself. Work on getting the right people in jail, instead of the wrong people.
> 
> I do not advise you do expose your children to a convicted sex offender.


It isn't an appropriate place to make that point.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> You strongly imply it by hijacking a thread about protecting kids from a sex predator to bring up the fact that sometimes people are wrongly convicted of crimes.


It was hijacked long before I got here. I made one statement, to clear up semantics on the first page and someone else decided to jump in and start claiming "what if he's innocent". So go back and read the actual thread instead of throwing out gross accusations to people who do not deserve it. Save yourself some face before you start really start looking like you only care to use this thread to vent your own person dislike of another poster.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> It isn't an appropriate place to make that point.


Not a valid reason to make gross, inaccurate claims about someone.


----------



## APToddlerMama

MD--I read through... I don't think I'm making any wild claims. I am done with this thread. Regardless, I am glad you conclude child shouldn't be left with sex predator.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> MD--I read through... I don't think I'm making any wild claims. I am done with this thread. Regardless, I am glad you conclude child shouldn't be left with sex predator.


You are claiming I said something I didn't say and would never, ever say.


----------



## DBZ

I've known 2 sex offenders over the years. They both claimed to be innocent. The one was convicted of trading pictures of kids online. He said he was doing it to research why pedophiles do what they do. He did this 'research" every place that he had internet access (school library, his grandmothers house, etc.). The first time he got caught he got a slap on the wrist. He did it again and is now in prison.

Then this other guy was convicted of molesting an 8 year old boy. At first he said he only took a shower with the kid. He blamed the girlfriend. When he was on probation for that he got caught going on the internet so he went to prison for violating probation.

The trend with these men is that they all say they didn't do it. The man is grooming your sister and her kids. I would call the police, social services, and the parole department.


----------



## kama'aina mama

MusicianDad, your very first post in this thread was a hair-splitting comment about whether registering as a sex offender and then moving to a different address in a different town, into a house with children, constituted "not being registered"... and your judgement was that he WAS registered in that situation. From the word go, your opinions in this thread have seemed apologist for this guy, who is a convicted child molester, and who (it seems) is failing to meet the legal requirements of his situation.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> MusicianDad, your very first post in this thread was a hair-splitting comment about whether registering as a sex offender and then moving to a different address in a different town, into a house with children, constituted "not being registered"... and your judgement was that he WAS registered in that situation. From the word go, your opinions in this thread have seemed apologist for this guy, who is a convicted child molester, and who (it seems) is failing to meet the legal requirements of his situation.


How the hell is differentiating between unregistered and not updating your address being an apologist? It is a statement of fact that they aren't the same. If you check it out, the person I was speaking to admitted that she mis-typed. "Registered at a different address" and "Unregistered" are two different legal requirements that are being unmet.

I now think that you are simply grasping at straws to try and villainize me and turn me into some sort of pro-pedo freak. And before you say it.... I have done nothing to do that myself. It is all you and your assumptions and the fact you obviously have a huge problem with me even being here at all.


----------



## ramama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *scottishmommy*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> 
> 
> Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom*
> 
> Yes, that bears repeating. An aggravated sexual assault means that there was injury or permanent damage done. This wasn't fondling or even what I'd consider molesting (not that those aren't damaging). This was actual harm being done to a child. This man was CONVICTED of causing injury to a child in the commission of a sex offense.
> 
> 
> 
> I could be totally wrong, but I thought that sexual assault against a child under 14 is automatically considered aggravated sexual assault. Whereas in the case of an adult victim it implies physical maimings, kidnapping etc.
Click to expand...

It varies by state, but generally it is considered aggravated if there is sexual penetration of a child under 13 or 14. We're not talking about a case where there is no mark left on the child, a he-said she-said case ripe for false accusations. We're talking about physical evidence on the child. Alhtough I don't know, there is a high probability of DNA evidence in cases like these. Aggravated sexual assault is much easier to prove for these reasons. This man is dangerous. The fact that he kept his convicition secret from his future wife is a huge red flag. My oldest DD is seven and this whole situation makes me want to vomit. Again, we're not talking about a case of fondling or inappropriate exposure (I'm not arguing that those crimes aren't damaging, just that they're considerably harder to prove) we're talking about either physical injury and/or penetration of an 8 year old. There is no way, no how, that I would tolerate this man being around any children, whether my own, those related to me, or children I don't even know.


----------



## Cyllya

Quote:


> MusicianDad, your very first post in this thread was a hair-splitting comment about whether registering as a sex offender and then moving to a different address in a different town, into a house with children, constituted "not being registered"... and your judgement was that he WAS registered in that situation. From the word go, your opinions in this thread have seemed apologist for this guy, who is a convicted child molester, and who (it seems) is failing to meet the legal requirements of his situation.


Um, what?

Personally, when I saw Lucy Alden refer to him as an "unregistered sex offender," my first impression was that she misread that part of the OP's post, which is a common message board mistake. I don't know how correcting something like that constitutes "seeming apologist" for the convict. (Indeed, Lucy Alden agreed with the correction.) Especially since it could end up being relevant to the OP's situation. (If she calls the police and says there's an unregistered sex offender living there, but the police find out he is registered, would that make them stop investigating the situation?)

Some people in this topic are criticizing others for giving the convict "the benefit of the doubt" or "defending" him. But no one suggested giving him the benefit of the doubt, and no one said anything to defend him. The closest anyone ever came to that was one person suggesting that the OP talk to the SIL and the convict for more information before deciding on a course of action, and even that person said they'd keep their kids the hell away from this convict. And while I disagree with that person's advice, I think comments like "Wow, just wow" and calling her suggestion "sickening" are totally uncalled for!

After people started complaining about others posting about the possibility of false convictions, a one or two other people popped up to defend their own falsely convicted acquaintances, but still, no one has said anything to defend to convict the OP is talking about. So people need to stop accusing other people of doing so.

Quote:


> I am certain I never said that no one was ever falsely accused or falsely convicted...


No, but you did say this:

Quote:


> I am shocked and saddened that a number of people are convinced that men are convicted of abusing children on little or no evidence "all the time." I think that if you had ever had any actual experience with the criminal justice system, around this issue in particular, you would not believe that. It is very difficult to get a conviction in cases of this nature. This contention that "bitter ex-wives" are throwing men in prison in droves, just on their word, is offensive and dangerous.


...even though no one in this topic ever said they think "that men are convicted of abusing children on little or no evidence 'all the time.'" Since no one said *literally* what you're complaining about them saying, it sounds like you're referring to what they are saying ("it happens sometimes") and just exaggerating for effect, and either way, you are disagreeing with them.

Basically, you and MusicianDad agree on what he's actually saying (a small number of people are falsely convicted of sex crimes), but you're reading a bunch of weird extra stuff into hid posts so that you can argue with him about that stuff.


----------



## Honey693

in some states isn't living with a registered sex offender with your own kids in tow enough to get a child abuse charge slapped on you? I think that came up in my mandated reporter training, but that was a few years ago. So isn't the OPs sIL in danger of being reported for child abuse unless she kicks this guy out?


----------



## MittensKittens

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cyllya*
> 
> Some people in this topic are criticizing others for giving the convict "the benefit of the doubt" or "defending" him. But no one suggested giving him the benefit of the doubt, and no one said anything to defend him. The closest anyone ever came to that was one person suggesting that the OP talk to the SIL and the convict for more information before deciding on a course of action, and even that person said they'd keep their kids the hell away from this convict. And while I disagree with that person's advice, I think comments like "Wow, just wow" and calling her suggestion "sickening" are totally uncalled for!


I agree that many posters have "jumped" on MuscianDad and twisted his words; something that I've seen more often on MDC. Perhaps it's his discussion style, perhaps something else. MD, you're probably right about false convictions in general (sex cases are probably different, because of a lack of witnesses. Being in jail for something you didn't do is probably just as damaging as being a rape victim, especially if you're also raped in prison (happens a lot, I think - no evidence to back this up though). And I say this as a sexual abuse survivor. I do want to say it is very, very, very unlikely that someone would be accused of raping a child on a regular basis when in fact SOMEONE ELSE did it. We're not talking about being raped on the street by a stranger. Perps are known in cases of regular abuse!

Cyllya, I think not calling the police and alerting CPS in this case IS giving the convict the benefit of the doubt. It places the children in danger. On the off chance that this person is innocent, he still should not be making judgments like this.

The monster who raped me daily for four years starting when I was 11 had an outstanding warrant in his country of origin. He told my mom it was about a 17 year old, who was nearly 18, and that it was "therefore" a bogus accusation. Definitely, this story should have been something to add to the LONG list of warning signs. This person was giving the benefit of the doubt for far too long. Did not I deserve the benefit of the doubt as well? Didn't I deserve anything when I SAID I was raped? Should people not have recognized all those very obvious signs? (Or did they, but they decided not to act?)


----------



## GoBecGo

I'm only echoing really but i'd call the police department, the parole officer, CPS and the step-dad re: this man. I would probably also give the schools and neighbours a heads-up (mainly because moving and not reporting his move indicates an attempt to subvert his conditions, and hey, if he DID report his address change and the website wasn't updated yet then the school, police and parole officer already know and no harm done anyway).

I would strongly consider, if you have access to the nephews, telling them what this guy was convicted of. It will give them a better means of protecting themselves uf they are on guard for inappropriate approaches from this man, and a powerful weapon of defence for them to be able to say "you want to go back to jail for this? Because i know what you did and i WILL tell if you try it with me."

I would tell any of my own kids who are old enough to understand too. Knowledge is power.

OP *hugs* this is so stressful for you. Thank you for being brave and calling on it. It is HARD to be "rude" and point the finger on this.

When i was a kid we knew this man, he was so sweet, really wonderful with kids. He was the headmaster of our primary school, our babysitter, an engaged and loving man. He was also a child rapist who raped, assaulted and molested my brother for 4 years. My brother, in turn, molested me. Our family is broken. The abuse (of me) stopped before my brother was 16 so even though i did give a statement to the police when my brother was seeking a conviction against HIS abuser (because the things he was doing to me when he was 9, 10, 11, corroborate the story of his abuse) i know pressing against him will turn a broken man into a monster, and he's living in his own personal hell as it is. But then he has never met, and will not meet before they are adults, my kids.

The most damaging sentence ever spoken to me was from my mother's mouth. We told her what this man had done, and what my brother had done, and she said "you know, we always wondered about him". She wondered. She left us with him, sometimes overnight. She allowed him into our home, she allowed him full access to us, she let him name our pet dog. She wondered but she did nothing because what an incredible social faux pas to make, to accuse someone of something like that. Every time i have a flashback, every time i've used lube because my mind-body connection was broken where arousal was concerned, every time i look at my beautiful children and imagine what happened to me happening to them and feel sick i wish she'd done something and not just "wondered".


----------



## kerryamen11

I am realy shocked that so many people here think that so, so many men are convicted of sex offenses on little or no evidence all the time. I dont think any1 who has personal experience with the justice system will belive that. Its most oft the time very difficult to get convictions. And once they are concicted, it doesnt mean they will "automatically" stop molesting children. Even if they are "put" into a sex offender database, they could still move and live in your town tomorrow.


----------



## Bellabaz

Just curious, OP, if you could update us on the situation?


----------



## kama'aina mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cyllya*
> 
> Um, what?
> 
> Personally, when I saw Lucy Alden refer to him as an "unregistered sex offender," my first impression was that she misread that part of the OP's post, which is a common message board mistake. I don't know how correcting something like that constitutes "seeming apologist" for the convict. (Indeed, Lucy Alden agreed with the correction.) Especially since it could end up being relevant to the OP's situation. (If she calls the police and says there's an unregistered sex offender living there, but the police find out he is registered, would that make them stop investigating the situation?)
> 
> Some people in this topic are criticizing others for giving the convict "the benefit of the doubt" or "defending" him. But no one suggested giving him the benefit of the doubt, and no one said anything to defend him. The closest anyone ever came to that was one person suggesting that the OP talk to the SIL and the convict for more information before deciding on a course of action, and even that person said they'd keep their kids the hell away from this convict. And while I disagree with that person's advice, I think comments like "Wow, just wow" and calling her suggestion "sickening" are totally uncalled for!
> 
> After people started complaining about others posting about the possibility of false convictions, a one or two other people popped up to defend their own falsely convicted acquaintances, but still, no one has said anything to defend to convict the OP is talking about. So people need to stop accusing other people of doing so.
> 
> No, but you did say this:
> 
> ...even though no one in this topic ever said they think "that men are convicted of abusing children on little or no evidence 'all the time.'" Since no one said *literally* what you're complaining about them saying, it sounds like you're referring to what they are saying ("it happens sometimes") and just exaggerating for effect, and either way, you are disagreeing with them.
> 
> Basically, you and MusicianDad agree on what he's actually saying (a small number of people are falsely convicted of sex crimes), but you're reading a bunch of weird extra stuff into hid posts so that you can argue with him about that stuff.


Someone did say that and another poster agreed with her. I copy and pasted the phrase "all the time" from her post, which has been removed. I'd be happy to PM you the full text of it, though. As it happens I sometimes type drafts in a different window so I can use a spell checker and that one is still available to me.


----------



## kama'aina mama

weird double post


----------



## sosurreal09

I think out of respect for OP and her situation we should leave all debates about anything out of this...


----------



## pianojazzgirl

I don't get why there should be any question here....

Regardless of what speculations could be made, the fact is that if you know someone was convicted of pedophilia and all evidence seems to support an assumption that he's breaking the conditions of his parole (ie. as far as we know hasn't registered his new address, and we know for sure that he is living with children), then it is purely and simply time to involve the authorities. I suppose there is a slim chance that he *is* allowed to live with children, and that he *has* updated his address (but it hasn't been changed on the website), and if that is the case then the matter will be looked into and dropped. But there is absolutely NO reason not to call the authorities just because of that slim possibility! I agree that some men have been wrongly convicted in the past, but honestly I don't see how that pertains to the situation at hand IN THE LEAST. Interesting topic of discussion for another thread? Possibly... But let's not muddy the waters here. The OP knows that a convicted pedophile has moved in to a household with minor children. She needs to MAKE SURE that the police, his parole officer, whoever needs to get involved is aware of this so they can act accordingly.


----------



## Ldavis24

At this point I am just hoping OP can update us with something resembling good news, whatever that may be. I feel like this thread has taken a turn for crazy town where a couple people like to argue over semantics.

OP, I would echo what others have said, call the non emergency hotline for the police, short of "finding out" any info at least alert them to the situation. Point out the possibility that he is probably breaking his parole in more than one way (and I would be very strong on this point because frankly *flame away* I wouldn't feel a bit guilty about sending the guy back to prison on a parole violation) and alert CPS and the father of those boys as well. You have gotten some really good advice here despite the pointless turn this thread has taken.

I guess I don't care that there are people who are wrongly convicted of sexual abuse crimes, those numbers are still fewer than the ones who ARE guilty. Until the day when it turns around and the number of people wrongly convicted is greater than the number of those rightly convicted, in the cases of sexual abuse I will assume that justice has been done correctly. I don't have a choice at this point, gotta protect me and mine. It may not be "fair" but as the saying goes, "thats life".


----------



## sapphire_chan

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Honey693*
> 
> in some states isn't living with a registered sex offender with your own kids in tow enough to get a child abuse charge slapped on you?


If not, it should be.


----------



## dairy2dogs

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Annie Mac*
> 
> Question, kind of related to the OP's situation, but really a spin-off: if a convicted molester is not supposed to have contact with kids, are there any restrictions on them if they proceed to have their own children? Do they face the same kind of sanctions with their own post-conviction children?


A registered sex offender moved in next door to my parents. (both parties have now moved) I was very concerned because I saw a small child was also living there. I called CPS and reported it. I was told it was perfectly legal if the child was his biological child but they would look into it. I don't see how or why being the biological parent makes it ok or legal but that is what I was told.


----------



## KayTeeJay

The level of Internet Lawyering on this thread is cuh-razy. Statements including "probably" and "most likely" with zero qualifiers or statistics behind them really frost my cupcakes.

Anyway. I agree with the pp's who have suggested that calling CPS or the police non-emergency line and letting them sort it out is the best way to go about this. Also, my first instinct would have been to cut off all contact, but the posters who have shared their own experiences have made me see that this is the wrong thing to do for the kids involved. Thanks to everyone who shared. I have never been in this situation or anything close to it, but if I should come across it in the future I will remember your stories.


----------



## kama'aina mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KayTeeJay*
> 
> The level of Internet Lawyering on this thread is cuh-razy. Statements including "probably" and "most likely" with zero qualifiers or statistics behind them really frost my cupcakes.
> 
> Anyway. I agree with the pp's who have suggested that calling CPS or the police non-emergency line and letting them sort it out is the best way to go about this. Also, my first instinct would have been to cut off all contact, but the posters who have shared their own experiences have made me see that this is the wrong thing to do for the kids involved. Thanks to everyone who shared. I have never been in this situation or anything close to it, but if I should come across it in the future I will remember your stories.


What kind of cupcakes?


----------



## GoBecGo

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> What kind of cupcakes?


Legally owned but not copyrighted cupcakes?


----------



## Super~Single~Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *dairy2dogs*
> 
> A registered sex offender moved in next door to my parents. (both parties have now moved) I was very concerned because I saw a small child was also living there. I called CPS and reported it. I was told it was perfectly legal if the child was his biological child but they would look into it. I don't see how or why being the biological parent makes it ok or legal but that is what I was told.


Interesting. I would bet it has something to do with the right to pro-create being fundamental, but I'm really not sure.


----------



## Birdie B.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ldavis24*
> 
> At this point I am just hoping OP can update us with something resembling good news, whatever that may be. I feel like this thread has taken a turn for crazy town where a couple people like to argue over semantics.


Seriously! I was wondering what the hell gets into people sometimes...

I speak from experience, chances should never be taken when it comes to protecting children from pedophiles.


----------



## Annie Mac

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *dairy2dogs*
> 
> A registered sex offender moved in next door to my parents. (both parties have now moved) I was very concerned because I saw a small child was also living there. I called CPS and reported it. I was told it was perfectly legal if the child was his biological child but they would look into it. I don't see how or why being the biological parent makes it ok or legal but that is what I was told.


Thanks for responding! I figured I had gotten lost amidst all the controversy. I *thought* that might be the case. I mean, how can the state control someone else's procreation? Although it seems wrong, especially if the previous victim was also a biological child.


----------



## chaoticzenmom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> Someone did say that and another poster agreed with her. I copy and pasted the phrase "all the time" from her post, which has been removed. I'd be happy to PM you the full text of it, though. As it happens I sometimes type drafts in a different window so I can use a spell checker and that one is still available to me.


The person who wrote it may have edited it, but nothing has been removed from the thread by the moderators.

I hope the OP didn't get too overwhelmed with the reaction to her thread. I'd love to hear an update (positive especially).


----------



## kama'aina mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smithie*
> 
> "There may be more to the story than you know."
> 
> There may be. I absolutely believe that innocent men are accused of child molestation and railroaded into plea deals or convicted on shaky evidence, all the time. Precisely BECAUSE child molestation is so horrible, prosecutors and judges and juries and defense attorneys and the accused men themselves freak out and don't always make rational decisions when these cases are going through the courts.
> 
> All that isn't really relevant to what the OP needs to do, though. If there's a registered sex offender who hasn't updated his address living with her nephews and attending their freaking baseball games and getting all kinds of access to children via his new kid-loving partner, then the cops and CPS need to hear about it. What the OP does not about they case, THEY can find out. If he's allowed to be around minors now, fine and dandy. If not, getting the authorities involved will spare the SIL some serious potential trouble on down the line. Even if no kid ever gets hurt on her watch, she could end up with a CPS case just because she let this guy live with her. If she's not in a place where she can realize that, then her family needs to intervene ASAP.


My error... the posts IS still there. 3 people have "liked" it (and I did accidentally and can't find a way to unlike it) and scottishmommy quoted her and agreed. So please, don't tell me that I am putting words in people's mouths.


----------



## kama'aina mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Super~Single~Mama*
> 
> Interesting. I would bet it has something to do with the right to pro-create being fundamental, but I'm really not sure.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Annie Mac*
> 
> Thanks for responding! I figured I had gotten lost amidst all the controversy. I *thought* that might be the case. I mean, how can the state control someone else's procreation? Although it seems wrong, especially if the previous victim was also a biological child.


It is not unheard of for parents to lose custody before the baby leaves the hospital, if they have previously been proven unfit. (I am speaking generally, here.)


----------



## Super~Single~Mama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> It is not unheard of for parents to lose custody before the baby leaves the hospital, if they have previously been proven unfit. (I am speaking generally, here.)


I know, and thats why I was speculating, as I'm really not sure. I think there is a difference between being "unfit" as a parent (ie, having parental rights terminated previously for cause), and being a convicted felon. I mean, some felonies certainly wouldn't affect the ability to parent, this type obviously would, so I'm really not sure. It's pretty rare that laws make sense all the time.


----------



## rubidoux

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kama'aina mama*
> 
> I don't believe that the bolded is remotely true.


You should read a bit about what happened in the Kern County, California cases in the 80's.


----------



## MusicianDad

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> 
> You should read a bit about what happened in the Kern County, California cases in the 80's.










She's already pointed out she doesn't consider that, or any of the other cases during that time, to be a valid example.


----------



## rubidoux

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She's already pointed out she doesn't consider that, or any of the other cases during that time, to be a valid example.


Oops. Didn't realize that didn't count. Hmmmmm.... Not sure what rules we're going by. Maybe I'll finish reading the thread before I post more. lol I think I'm on page 6.


----------



## ssh

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> 
> You should read a bit about what happened in the Kern County, California cases in the 80's.


It's such a relief that there are appropriate guidelines in place for interviewing children now. I imagine the children in these horror stories were almost as traumatized as the innocents that were imprisoned. In some ways the 80s were quite crazy. I remember the books written by adults who recalled being abused by cults while under hypnosis. And then it came out that the techniques used were planting false memories.


----------



## lucysmom

responding to an earlier post (that I meant to quote) that the "aggravator" in many child sex abuse cases charged as aggravated assault is simply the child's age, not any particular injury or har other than the obvious one of being sexually abused as a young child -- yes, in most states this is the case.

not suggesting that that sheds any light on this particular situation, but those who believe that the "aggravated" label means something besides sexual abuse itself are incorrect.


----------



## Ldavis24

I'm just going to say that I am disgusted by the fact that people are still arguing over whether there are lots and lots of false convictions etc.

The OP came here asking for help and suggestions, why is it so hard to go on the assumption that in this case the guy was rightly convicted. I find this an incredibly inappropriate thread to debate semantics and the US justice system. Seriously take it somewhere else, it is getting really offensive at this point.









OP, I don't know if you have checked out of this (I wouldn't be surprised) but I hope you have made some progress with your SIL or at least figured out how to satisfy your own concerns and do the best you can to help keep your family (including nephews) safe.


----------



## Birdie B.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ldavis24*
> 
> I'm just going to say that I am disgusted by the fact that people are still arguing over whether there are lots and lots of false convictions etc.
> 
> The OP came here asking for help and suggestions, why is it so hard to go on the assumption that in this case the guy was rightly convicted. I find this an incredibly inappropriate thread to debate semantics and the US justice system. Seriously take it somewhere else, it is getting really offensive at this point.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> OP, I don't know if you have checked out of this (I wouldn't be surprised) but I hope you have made some progress with your SIL or at least figured out how to satisfy your own concerns and do the best you can to help keep your family (including nephews) safe.












I know people like to argue on the internet, but sheesh....


----------



## rubidoux

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Ldavis24*
> 
> I'm just going to say that I am disgusted by the fact that people are still arguing over whether there are lots and lots of false convictions etc.
> 
> The OP came here asking for help and suggestions, why is it so hard to go on the assumption that in this case the guy was rightly convicted. I find this an incredibly inappropriate thread to debate semantics and the US justice system. Seriously take it somewhere else, it is getting really offensive at this point.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> OP, I don't know if you have checked out of this (I wouldn't be surprised) but I hope you have made some progress with your SIL or at least figured out how to satisfy your own concerns and do the best you can to help keep your family (including nephews) safe.


I don't see why you're so worried about the OP. As you've obviously noticed, she doesn't seem to have come back and it's not like she hasn't gotten a lot of good advice. I think a message board is a perfectly appropriate place to have discussions.


----------



## Ldavis24

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> 
> I don't see why you're so worried about the OP. As you've obviously noticed, she doesn't seem to have come back and it's not like she hasn't gotten a lot of good advice. I think a message board is a perfectly appropriate place to have discussions.


I'm more worried about how things are going for her...Crazy right on a thread about something like a pedophile living with kids...

I think a message board is a perfectly good place to have discussions too. Discussion relevant to the topic that the OP presents, which is most definitely not whether convicted sex offenders are often falsely convicted and it certainly isn't a place to battle about the semantics of one poster against another. The point of the thread is to help the OP not have other people hash out a stupid (yes it is stupid) debate over who said what. When that happens maybe the OP just sees chaos on the thread and doesn't read it or maybe the rest of us would just like to focus on the topic at hand and not have to wade through pages of people arguing with each other of misquoting or reading into things that are written


----------



## Ldavis24

...


----------



## Ldavis24

...double post


----------



## Ldavis24

..double double post..


----------



## LROM

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *carfreemama*
> 
> Someone mentioned that it doesn't sound like he was in prison for that long...
> 
> Just FTR, my brother was in prison for 7 months. That's it. His crime? Pornographic pictures of his daughter and some other nasty stuff. Denial all around on the part of my family, accusations that his victim was "almost old enough to know better." And on it goes. Actually, IME, the fact that he was convicted and spent jail time at all attests to the probable seriousness of what he did. It's pretty hard to put sex offenders behind bars, at least it was not too long ago here in Canada. He got a long probation, though. And yes, he did reoffend within the same family; or tried to. I just would not take any risks and it is SO easy to say it was a vindictive, false accusation. I have had experience with one family where the man probably WAS falsely accused and that is awful and unforgivable. Even there, though, we still kept at arm's length from the guy. We just couldn't be sure and his own actions didn't make us any more confident.
> 
> I'm so sorry this whole mess has entered your life.


Totally agree with above. While I don't want to offend anyone who says they know someone who was unfairly convicted... In every single case where I have known the facts from the child and other people's points of view and the evidence, I have never in 20+ yrs of working in child welfare seen someone convicted where there was not serious and real evidence against them. It is almost always the opposite situation: there is real evidence or compelling details from a child and yet still the person walks free.

Be clear: there is a difference between unfair prosecution (where someone files false claims against someone to harass them/make their lives miserable) and actually being convicted of a sex crime against a child. It takes a LOT to convict someone of a sex crime... often more than it should take. So I really have a hard time with the idea that there are many people out there wrongly convicted. Wrongly charged... definitely. But to go through the whole trial and have evidence submitted and still get wrongly convicted... I have yet to see it happen.

OP, aside from much of the advice you've already gotten, if you do stay in touch with your sis at all there is also the possibility that she could have more kids with this guy. If you ever hear she's pregnant, and you know where she lives, I would contact CPS and let them know that she lives with a convicted, unregistered child molester. It is critically important that CPS knows (I think they should know about the kids already in the home, your sister's older kids, even if they're older) but it is that much more important with a baby who can't tell anyone anything if anything was ever done to them.


----------



## swede

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> 
> I don't see why you're so worried about the OP. As you've obviously noticed, she doesn't seem to have come back and it's not like she hasn't gotten a lot of good advice. I think a message board is a perfectly appropriate place to have discussions.


Then start a new thread. Why muddy this one up?


----------



## rubidoux

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *swede*
> 
> Then start a new thread. Why muddy this one up?


I don't see any reason to start a new thread about the person who said that people shouldn't be talking about stuff she didn't want to hear about. That would just be weird. Plus, this one was fairly muddy already. I'm not really worried about mucking it up. If you'd like to start another thread, though...


----------



## Arduinna

it's so much easier to just use ignore


----------



## sosurreal09

I just feel bad that OP is probably intimidated by all this. All these pages can be overwhelming.


----------



## Ldavis24

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rubidoux*
> 
> I don't see any reason to start a new thread about the person who said that people shouldn't be talking about stuff she didn't want to hear about. That would just be weird. Plus, this one was fairly muddy already. I'm not really worried about mucking it up. If you'd like to start another thread, though...


It's not that I don't want to hear about it, it is that there a couple people taking over the thread with an inane argument totally irrelevant to the actual original topic. I didn't find the topic muddy and you aren't interested in keeping the thread on the subject of the OP's issues (which is why she posted, it is about her...) then that is your business. I don't think it is out of line to be annoyed that the OP would have a hard time sifting through the junk in this thread if she just wanted some suggestions...Crazy I know









I would love to hear an update from the OP because this whole thing has been on my mind...It's not like this couldn't happen to any one of us or someone in our families you know?


----------



## NannyMcPhee

Wow this thread grew since the last time I posted. I am sorry but we as parents do not get the luxury of giving convicted sex offender the benefit of the doubt. If it is truly a case of wrong conviction (which is extremely rare) its one of those too bad, so sad situations. You must put your children first before campaigning over the rights of the very, hardly ever wrongfully accused.

Seriously, think about it, think about all the people you have encountered in your life that have been sexually abused, molested or assaulted. How many of those people went to the police, of those people, how many of those accusations went to trial, of those that made it trial, how many of those ended up in convictions? Can you even think of any? If you can, compare that first number to the last and see how that sits with you.

For every false ''daycare scandal'' (that was puppeteered by adults), there are a million cases that never even see the light of day. A million children crying themselves to sleep at night. A million children being terribly harmed in their homes, schools, churches and clubs.

So if you want to sit and play hero for the unsung masses of poor poor wrongly accused child molesters, I am going to think you need better priorities.

Has anyone ever thought that the inevitable chorus that follows any time someone says they know a sex offender/rapist etc of ''WHAT IF THEY ARE INNOCENT!?!?!'' actually is more harmful than good? If teaches children and victims that they will never be believed and so why even bother telling anyone, and it gives the molester more to hide behind to get away with their crimes.


----------



## Adaline'sMama

Id love to hear an update from the OP if she is still reading this crazy thread.


----------



## ancoda

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> Id love to hear an update from the OP if she is still reading this crazy thread.


Yes this.

I have nothing more to really add. Like has already been said the police and or the probation officer should be contacted to make them aware of the situation. I would prefer to have them be a bit annoyed by being told too often of this situation then risk that no one has informed them of it at all. If the boys father is involved in any way in their lives he should be informed of the situation too. The boys should be given lots of love and support so that if they need to report him to someone they feel comfortable doing so.


----------



## AngelsNPrayers

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Irishmommy*
> 
> I hate to be defending a possible pedophile, but there's also the possibility that he HAS updated his address with the powers that be, and that the website just isn't updated.


no harm in calling the police to double check then. why not check all the facts? The stakes are really high here.


----------



## sosurreal09

*OP* Any news?


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## Anglyn

UPDATE (such as it is) I am the OP and am still catching up on the responses! Wow! Sorry, I had no idea what a pot I stirred then walked away from, lol! I just got busy you know. First, to answer some questions; the person that originally called my DH was his cousin. He (the cousin) and his fiance, mother and uncle had just looked at the website after being tipped of by sil's mother. Now, dh and sil mother has a mental illness, so my first response was dismissive, but when they said go to the website, I did. And it was undeniably him. From the grapevine I heard it was sil's ex (the boys father) that told mil. I know, so complicated. My dh doesn't have much to do with mil due to childhood abuse. I have no idea where he got the information orignally but I don't think it matters, the website speaks for itself. It was him, picture and all and it wasn't an accusation, it was a conviction. Now, I have a cousin who was raped by her step father at a young age and he barely got any jail time, because it is hard to prove, but I was there through all the fall out and I know it happened. I also know his sentence was a slap on the wrist and he is out and trying to contact the family now. So I don't think that a short sentence necesarily means he didn't do it.

From what I got from DH's aunt (who sil was living with at this time), he told sil that it was all made up by his ex wife, so I'm assuming it was his own child. Prior to this, I didn't even know he had a child. Or an ex wife. I don't know if sil did or not. Aunt also said that it was that very night that sil got her clothes and moved in with him.

My dh NEVER liked him from day one, his reason? Because he said that the guy would NEVER look him in the eye. And my step father, who gets along with everyone, told my mom after meeting him that he didn't like him? why? Just didn't. Maybe they have good instincts. I didn't really like him but got no huge dislike vibe. I gave the benefit of the doubt for sil. Knowing what I now know, I wonder if the lack of eye contact was guilt? Because if dh knew what he was thinking about our kids he'd kill him? I don't know. But her kids seem to like him. of course, the youngest is 14 now, they may too old for him and therefore safe. I'm more worried about all her nieces and nephews: her ex comes from a large family and she is till friends with all his sisters and often has thier children with her. And children of friends. I have told everyone that we mutually know. Yes, I considered what if I'm spreading rumors and it was false conviction but decided that NOT spreading it and it's a real conviction was the bigger risk. I sure am glad I know.

I did facebook friend both nephews that are on there and am trying to find out how to contact their dad. Their dad is disabled and lives on a disability check and I think lives with a relative so I have no idea if he is set up to try for custody or not. But I think he needs to. One of sil's boys already witnessed a rape of another boy by their mutual "friends" at a sleepover and was threatened with the same if he told. He was quite for a year, when it came out he had to testify in court. About that time, a close friend of his was killed in a car crash. She has never gotten him therapy. Recently, he has been in trouble with the law for breaking into cars and is on probation then last month he took some drugs a friend handed him and passed out at school and when to the ER. He is now in an alternative school. With all his issues, I just think he, out of them all, is in a very vulnerable position.

She did bring her boys to my 4 year olds bday party last month and dropped them off. I talked to the one I'm most worried about, but he says everything is fine. But I'm not sure if he would tell me or not. I know what town they moved to, but I do not know an actual address. Though after reading some replies, I have an idea about talking to someone at the school or calling the parole board and finding out who his parole officer is and talking to him/her. So I have some ideas now that I didn't before.

I have to say though, as a child who was molested, people don't believe it of the person, because they don't want to. The response is always, "but he's such a nice guy, I don't believe that!" And from my cousin who went through this I know the child is seen by detectives, nurses, doctors, psychatrists, therapists, lawyers, specialist etc. It just doesn't seem likely to me that an 8yr old child could keep up a lie.


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## Anglyn

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LROM*
> 
> Totally agree with above. While I don't want to offend anyone who says they know someone who was unfairly convicted... In every single case where I have known the facts from the child and other people's points of view and the evidence, I have never in 20+ yrs of working in child welfare seen someone convicted where there was not serious and real evidence against them. It is almost always the opposite situation: there is real evidence or compelling details from a child and yet still the person walks free.
> 
> Be clear: there is a difference between unfair prosecution (where someone files false claims against someone to harass them/make their lives miserable) and actually being convicted of a sex crime against a child. It takes a LOT to convict someone of a sex crime... often more than it should take. So I really have a hard time with the idea that there are many people out there wrongly convicted. Wrongly charged... definitely. But to go through the whole trial and have evidence submitted and still get wrongly convicted... I have yet to see it happen.
> 
> OP, aside from much of the advice you've already gotten, if you do stay in touch with your sis at all there is also the possibility that she could have more kids with this guy. If you ever hear she's pregnant, and you know where she lives, I would contact CPS and let them know that she lives with a convicted, unregistered child molester. It is critically important that CPS knows (I think they should know about the kids already in the home, your sister's older kids, even if they're older) but it is that much more important with a baby who can't tell anyone anything if anything was ever done to them.


I agree with this. I work in early childhood intervention and see a lot of kids who were abused, some severly and often the perpetrator goes unpunished because it is hard to prove. Shaken baby syndrome is almost impossible to convict on, for example. I've seen a child with disabilities caused by severe beatings of the mother while in utero and the dad still had visitation rights. Even though the children ran and hide every time he come to the door. I'm not saying no one could ever be falsely convicted, it just seems more likely that he did it. And I think giving the info to parents and letting them decide for themselves is the best call. I'd feel bad if some people avoided an innocent man based on false info I spread, but I'd feel way way waaaay worse if an innocent child was hurt because I kept said information to myself.


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## Anglyn

Went back to sex offender data base, he served over five years


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## sapphire_chan

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Anglyn*
> 
> I did facebook friend both nephews that are on there and am trying to find out how to contact their dad. Their dad is disabled and lives on a disability check and I think lives with a relative so I have no idea if he is set up to try for custody or not. But I think he needs to. One of sil's boys already witnessed a rape of another boy by their mutual "friends" at a sleepover and was threatened with the same if he told. He was quite for a year, when it came out he had to testify in court. About that time, a close friend of his was killed in a car crash. She has never gotten him therapy. Recently, he has been in trouble with the law for breaking into cars and is on probation then last month he took some drugs a friend handed him and passed out at school and when to the ER. He is now in an alternative school. With all his issues, I just think he, out of them all, is in a very vulnerable position.


And this was all from stuff that happened *before* the sex abuser entered their lives? So it makes a perfect cover for just about anything the disgusting pervert wanted to do to the boy?

If I were you (or anyone else who knows any of this IRL instead of online) I'd call his school up and tell them that his mother is planning to marry a man on the sex offender registry and to keep their eyes open to changes in behavior.


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## MamaPalooza

you need to call the cops now. weather you or the dad can get custody doesnt matter, the authorities need to know where he is and make sure he is not in settings with tons of kids like baseball games or public pools. please call the cops asap. the kids he lives with might be too old for him but once a pedophile always a pedophile. he will find another kid


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## Adaline'sMama

OP,
If you dont want to call the cops, Im sure there are about 50 of us here that would do it for you. The only information the cops need is his name, his new address, and that he is a convicted sex offender living with children.


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## philomom

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> OP,
> If you dont want to call the cops, Im sure there are about 50 of us here that would do it for you. The only information the cops need is his name, his new address, and that he is a convicted sex offender living with children.


Yep, many of us would.

Good luck and do the right thing! Protect those kids.


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## APToddlerMama

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> OP,
> If you dont want to call the cops, Im sure there are about 50 of us here that would do it for you. The only information the cops need is his name, his new address, and that he is a convicted sex offender living with children.


agreed!


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## sosurreal09

HOW could you NOT have already called the cops? It's NOT JUST your children and your nephews or your family at risk here!


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## angelpie545

OP, I'm not trying to be awful, but imagine how you would feel is said sex offender molested or otherwise sexually assaulted your SIL's kids? I get that with family, it can be dicey, but is that something you really want to risk? Please, take time to really think on this. Who matters most here? Your SIL's feelings, or these innocent children who may be at risk? Could you really live with that fact that maybe, just maybe a call to the cops could have prevented a child from being abused? I'm not trying to place it all on your shoulders, but realistically speaking, you may be the only one to stand up for these kids. Please, please re-think your position.


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## LROM

OP I'm glad you found my post helpful. And I'd just like to add something to all the pleas above to go ahead and call the police.

At this stage, knowing he's convicted and served 5 yrs, it is pretty much a one in a million chance that he didn't do what he was convicted of. Please do NOT focus on the fact that your SIL wants to believe it was all lies and he didn't do anything - again, it's almost unheard of to actually be convicted and for there to not have been a ton of evidence against the defendent. It's almost always the horrific opposite: lots of evidence but still the person walks free.

Assume this guy did what he was convicted of and start there. An entire court system and trial found him guilty - why would you (or anyone else here) second guess that SO STRONGLY That you would not call the police and let them know where he is and about the situation?

And don't assume for a second that just because the kids in the home are older that they are safe. Never underestimate the power of "grooming" - developing a relationship and charming kids into trusting the abuser so that they doubt their own instincts when things get ugly. Also, pedophiles usually tell their victims that bad things will happen if they tell anyone, and older kids can be influenced by that as well.

OP you are right to tell people you know that know your SIL and have contact with her. Please go that step further and contact probation or the registry of sex offenders with your concerns and info. You may be helping numerous kids to be safer by reporting him.


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## DBZ

I was just wondering if there was any new news on this.


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## cocoanib

Wow, I just read this whole thread. I'm truly hoping that the boys are alright and maybe sil wised up and got away from the pedophile.


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## Anglyn

I know it's been over a year since this was posted, but thought people still might like to know what happened. The police were called, the guy's probation was revoked and he is now serving the original sentence. This happened back not long after this was posted. I just got really busy and wasn't online much for the last year and a half. Wish I would have updated much sooner. Sorry.


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## Katielady

thank goodness!


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## Storm Bride

Thanks for the update, Anglyn! I'm glad everything ended well.


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## meemee

thanks Anglyn. In situations like this its always nice to know the ending.

how did your SIL take this? how is she doing now a year later? has she been able to put this behind her. did she get how close she came to destroying her world.


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## drumcircledad

Sooo impressed that this got resolved! No one knows (thank heavens!) how many kids and their parents may ave been spared trauma because he's locked up again. How are your nephews doing? Did your sister blame her kids or anyone else (other than her husband) or him going to jail again? I hope she's ok and also hope she learns to see things for what they really are.


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