# Explaining normal birth to children



## KweenKrunch (Jul 25, 2009)

How do you ladies handle it when you are around children who believe that all babies are born in a hospital (or even via C/S)?

A couple of times I've come across this issue of kids saying, "When your mom brought the baby home..." or "When the doctor delivered my little sister..." and I always want to interject something about home birth/UC and not NEEDING a doctor to "deliver" your baby - but I don't want to step on anyone's toes or cross any lines.

Still, I do think it's important to change our birth culture and the birth machine. If I don't speak up for normal, natural birth - who will? It's a problem that girls are being raised to believe the only place to have a baby is in a hospital, drugged out and at the mercy of a doctor.

Do you think it's appropriate to say something like, "You know, hospitals are for medical emergencies - and some women like to push their babies out there or even have operations to remove their babies - but more and more women are beginning to realize that babies can be safely and lovingly born at home. In fact, I had all my babies at home and it was a wonderful experience. Some day when you are pregnant, you should look into all your birthing options before just deciding to go with the crowd."

???

Looking for help here!


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

I think what you said would be fine for older kids...for smaller kids I'd suggest keeping it much more simple. Like, "Yes, most mothers have their babies in hospitals and sometimes have an operation where a doctor carefully cuts the baby from the mama's tummy. But you don't HAVE to go to a hospital to have a baby."


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## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

You are saying these things to your own kids right? Or do you want to tell other people's children that?


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

Well to begin with I look at a hospital birth as still being "normal" (Speaking as someone who had a midwife throughout and chose a natural hospital birth and after 36hours of labour -14hours of it non-medicated -ended up with an emergency c-section)







THat being said I would (depending on ages) just let them know that there are many place that babies can be born and some mommies feel safer having a baby in the hospital and other like being in their own comfy homes. ANd that sometimes a mommy can have a hard time and has to have help from a doctor. I believe there is no right or wrong place to have the baby as long as the end result is a healthy baby and mommy.


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## greeny (Apr 27, 2007)

I have hospital births with midwives.

But I merely tell my kids, "Some women have babies at the hospital. Some have them at home with a midwife or doctor. Some have them at home without any help. There isn't one right way to do it."


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## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

:

Some women have hospital births for reasons you might not know or understand. It doesn't make them any less natural. I would also focus on modeling tolerance for those who have a different birth than the one I might choose. Birth can come in a hospital or at home, or sometimes in between
(my second was very close to being born in the car on the way to the hospital.







I was 8 cms when I got to the hospital I just didnt know that after only 3 and half hours of labor that I would be so far progressed. I have/had group b strep so I/we were hoping I would get a dose of antibiotics in but it didnt work out that way. All is well though.)


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I think, with other people's kids, you're probably best just mentioning your own experiences rather than making judgments about birth in general. Like, "My babies weren't born in a hospital. They were born at home." Also, I had two "normal, natural" births in a hospital with midwives. It is harder to do there, and there are more obstacles and chances it won't happen, but it does.


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## Landover (Oct 12, 2007)

You are talking about saying all of that to your own kids, right? Not other people's kids? I think my DS would be pretty freaked to have some stranger tell him that babies are sometimes cut out of women's bellies. To other people's children, I might say something fun like... "My baby was born in my den, while I was in a fishy pool! It was so fun!"


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
te to say something like, "You know, hospitals are for medical emergencies - and some women like to push their babies out there or even have operations to remove their babies - but more and more women are beginning to realize that babies can be safely and lovingly born at home. In fact, I had all my babies at home and it was a wonderful experience. Some day when you are pregnant, you should look into all your birthing options before just deciding to go with the crowd."

Depending on the age of the kid... this is just too much detail for little kids. For teenagers, sure. For toddlers, pre-schoolers, young kids, I think I'd stick with things like greeny or mamazee's suggestions.

And check in with their parents first.


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## kwilki8 (May 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Do you think it's appropriate to say something like, "You know, hospitals are for medical emergencies - and some women like to push their babies out there or even have operations to remove their babies - but more and more women are beginning to realize that babies can be safely and lovingly born at home. In fact, I had all my babies at home and it was a wonderful experience. Some day when you are pregnant, you should look into all your birthing options before just deciding to go with the crowd."

???

Looking for help here!

No, I don't think this response is appropriate, partly because it is inaccurate. Hospitals are, in fact, not just for medical emergencies. The emergency room is for emergencies. But my larger objection is to the tone of superiority in the response. Not all women who choose a hospital birth are "just deciding to go with the crowd," and I would rather teach my children that they need to critically examine all available options before deciding for themselves which one is the best. At least, I assume you're talking about educating your own children in this way? Because if you said this to my children, I would likely have some strong words for you in response which would provide an entirely different kind of education.


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## Vancouver Mommy (Aug 15, 2007)

We were at emergency with my dd a couple of weeks ago (she'd had an accident at the pool) and I was trying to make her feel comfortable by making conversation with her. I mentioned that she had been born at the hospital we were in. Her brother was a home waterbirth and she looked at me like I'd grown another head. "Why would a baby be born in a HOSPITAL?" she asked. She was quite concerned and I had to reassure her that nothing was wrong with her or with me and that we went home right after she was born. I told her that I had gone in to get some help getting her out, but that home was the best place for having babies.


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

Children who describe a sibling's birth aren't checking in for adult feedback on their parents' birthing choices. I would never interject an explanation of home birth into any child's narrative about a hospital birth in their family. It would be a pointless interruption in what that child is attempting to communicate. Adults shouldn't interrupt children just because they want to make points that are irrelevant to the demands of the moment or the child's narrative purpose.

I would bring up home birth in a discussion of birth in the media, in discussions of birth in general, if a child asked about a birth that happened at home, or with children who express the belief that babies can only be born in the hospital. Those are valid educational moments.

"The story of how my baby sister got here," as related by an older sibling, should not be twisted by adults to fit an educational or political agenda.


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## Eeyore35 (Aug 2, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
How do you ladies handle it when you are around children who believe that all babies are born in a hospital (or even via C/S)?

A couple of times I've come across this issue of kids saying, "When your mom brought the baby home..." or "When the doctor delivered my little sister..." and I always want to interject something about home birth/UC and not NEEDING a doctor to "deliver" your baby - but I don't want to step on anyone's toes or cross any lines.

Still, I do think it's important to change our birth culture and the birth machine. If I don't speak up for normal, natural birth - who will? It's a problem that girls are being raised to believe the only place to have a baby is in a hospital, drugged out and at the mercy of a doctor.

*Do you think it's appropriate to say something like, "You know, hospitals are for medical emergencies - and some women like to push their babies out there or even have operations to remove their babies - but more and more women are beginning to realize that babies can be safely and lovingly born at home. In fact, I had all my babies at home and it was a wonderful experience. Some day when you are pregnant, you should look into all your birthing options before just deciding to go with the crowd."*???

Looking for help here!

No,that is not appropriate. My daughter was born safely and lovingly via c-section. I would be extremely angry if you told her that. Now if she told you allbaies were born in hospitals, (she wouldn't,I don't think.All her "where babies come from books mention home birth and she knows babies are usually born vaginally.)Anyow,if she did say that,saying "actaully some babies are born at home,without doctors" is fine.

think of it this way. Imagine that say,your daughter tells my daughter no doctors are needed,and every baby can born safely at home (not saying your child would say that,). Now,I actually am against uc. i don't think it's safe,etc.etc. So,would it be appropriate for me to tell your daughter that it's dangerous,and wrong,and etc. etc? No,I shouldn't and I wouldn't.Not my place. I would say that people make different choices,and if my daughter was around,I'd likely clarify that sometimes a doctor is really needed,or even a c-section. (Since my daughter was born via c-section).

For the record,I would also correct a child on "all babies are born in hospital" as well.

If a child I simply relating what happeed when their sibling was born,nothing to argue with.

I'm thinking of preschool kids by the way. By gradeshool,most kids would know this stuff,right? By the time i was 8,I knew that 2 of my friends were born via c-section,my brother was with forceps,and my mom had demerol too late in labour to push effectively. with me,she didn't have time for pain meds. I knew another friend's little sister was born in her front yard with no doctors around,over an hour form the hospital.(yes,this was planned).


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## spmamma (Sep 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
It's a problem that girls are being raised to believe the only place to have a baby is in a hospital, drugged out and at the mercy of a doctor.

Just because a woman has chosen to have a hospital birth doesn't mean she was drugged out or at the mercy of a doctor. I gave birth to my DD in a hospital without the use of pain killers, and I believe my birth experience was very natural. I'm proud of my experience and it's sad to hear another woman (however inadvertently) demeaning it. Hospital birth is a very acceptable way to have a baby.

When speaking with your own children, I think it's great to talk about your home birth experiences and to say that many women are choosing to give birth at home. But like PPs have said, I would avoid making blanket statements about hospitals and C-sections. It can come off as judgmental and make children fearful of the possibility of hospital births (which, in some cases are necessary even if you're planning a HB or UC).


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## xelakann (Jul 30, 2007)

Quote:

quote removed by administrator
Yes this!

Even though just about everyone person I know was born in a hospital, including myself and all of my siblings... I still managed to educate myself and have a birth center birth with my son and am planning a homebirth with my new baby.

I wouldn't have cared about who, what, when or where other people birthed when I was a kid. Nor did I give a hoot until I was pregnant. I did think pitocin, epidurals and c-sections were the norm, and if you had talked to me the day before I found out I was pregnant I would have planned all this for myself.

But again I did educate myself and now have a new "norm"


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Do you think it's appropriate to say something like, "You know, hospitals are for medical emergencies - and some women like to push their babies out there or even have operations to remove their babies - but more and more women are beginning to realize that babies can be safely and lovingly born at home. In fact, I had all my babies at home and it was a wonderful experience. Some day when you are pregnant, you should look into all your birthing options before just deciding to go with the crowd."

That statement would be completely inappropriate to say to anyone's child other than your own.


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stik* 
Children who describe a sibling's birth aren't checking in for adult feedback on their parents' birthing choices. I would never interject an explanation of home birth into any child's narrative about a hospital birth in their family. It would be a pointless interruption in what that child is attempting to communicate. Adults shouldn't interrupt children just because they want to make points that are irrelevant to the demands of the moment or the child's narrative purpose.

I would bring up home birth in a discussion of birth in the media, in discussions of birth in general, if a child asked about a birth that happened at home, or with children who express the belief that babies can only be born in the hospital. Those are valid educational moments.

"The story of how my baby sister got here," as related by an older sibling, should not be twisted by adults to fit an educational or political agenda.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. The most affirming thing to do is just to listen and share in the joy of the birth story.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Please keep things respectful.

Per the UA:

Quote:

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack or in any way which violates the law.


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## carlylovesthesims2 (Mar 22, 2007)

if me and my twin had not been born via emergancy C section at a hospital me my twin i could have died i was a 35 weeker twin in severe fetal distress and i came out not breathing and had no heartbeat i spent 4 weeks in NICU and my twins cords and mine wrapped around my neck as it is i was left with phyical disablities and other health issues as a result


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## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

I agree with everyone else in saying that you should present HB/UC as just another OPTION and not "The only normal way." I chose to have my son at the hospital because it was the only way I could afford it at the time. No birthing center took my insurance and I couldn't cover a midwife. So, I found a doctor I felt comfortable with (one that agreed with my crunchy self) and went with that. I'm glad I did, because labor happened so fast and I was in so much pain I got sick and couldn't focus.

My mother also had my brother and I by C/S because a previous condition made her doctor wary of a vaginal birth.

I don't feel that either choice was abnormal...and I can't help but be a little offended that you called it such.


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## Mountaingirl79 (Jul 12, 2008)

I forgot to mention that I also went drug free for my hospital birth.


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but really, I think if my child came home and told me that you'd said that to him I would be livid.

I had a non-medicated, lovely, natural HOSPITAL birth and I'm planning a second. While I laud your desire to inform others that homebirths are normal, I think totally dismissing women who birth in the hospital for *whatever* reason is just awful, hurtful, divisive and RUDE. And your way of phrasing it would be wildly inappropriate for any child under the age of eight or ten. You've gotten lots of good ways of expressing yourself from PP, so I won't give more suggestions, except maybe to try for some empathy for people whose choices differ from yours.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I've posted this once before, but I want to remind everyone one more time, Please keep things respectful.

Per the UA:

Quote:

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack or in any way which violates the law.


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## lness (Jul 14, 2009)

I have to admit I'm not an evangelist, but: You don't have to say anything. Your own kids will learn from you, the others will learn from their parents, and then when they're a little older they'll collectively decide none of you know anything and go do the opposite!
jk








I had never heard of a birth center or home birth growing up - my mom's deliveries were in hospital, medicated, by choice - but they raised and educated me to think for myself, so I managed to find what was right for me when the time came. And couldn't have been happier about our birth-center-born water baby!
Moral of the story - they'll get to where they need to be when the time is right, try not to stress about it.


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## BAU3 (Dec 10, 2001)

Perhaps an audience of adults to speak your ideas to, rather than children.....
...Let them know, in a nonjudgmental way, that there are many options available for birthing..

Tha fact is that many people, given all the choices, would stoill choose a medicated hospital birth. To each their own.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

I think it is fine to say "My baby was born in/at fill in the blank." if you are engaged in a conversation with these children, although usually it is my own children who pipe up and tell everyone these things. I don't think it is okay to project your own feelings of hospital birth on other children.

The last two generations of women in my family had all their babies at the hospital. Homebirth is not an idea that I grew up with but I heard about it as a teen just listening to a homebirthing momma having a conversation about her own births in the nursery at church. I didn't talk to her about it but it was enough to spark the idea for me.


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## Evergreen (Nov 6, 2002)

At the age of three my daughter knew that she was born at home, her sister was born at the hospital because she needed a little help coming out, and some babies need even more help coming out so the doctors have to cut their bellies to get the babies out.

I think birth conversations, like sex conversations are best left to the parents especially during the early years when most kids don't truly understand anyway. Many also assume that since the baby is in the belly, it's logical for the baby to come out that way. They don't connect the vagina unless they've been told about it. Of course when kids ask things like, "What hospital gave you your baby?" or "Where did they cut your baby out?" You could answer, "My baby came to me at home" or "Luckily, my baby had no problems and didn't have to be cut out." Further inquiries might necessitate a quick change of subject.


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## Beene (May 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marylizah* 
Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but really, I think if my child came home and told me that you'd said that to him I would be livid.

I had a non-medicated, lovely, natural HOSPITAL birth and I'm planning a second. While I laud your desire to inform others that homebirths are normal, I think totally dismissing women who birth in the hospital for *whatever* reason is just awful, hurtful, divisive and RUDE. And your way of phrasing it would be wildly inappropriate for any child under the age of eight or ten. You've gotten lots of good ways of expressing yourself from PP, so I won't give more suggestions, except maybe to try for some empathy for people whose choices differ from yours.


Those are my sentiments. I, too, had a beautiful, peaceful, supportive and natural hospital birth and wouldn't do it any other way. I am not ashamed of it, nor did I choose it because I was misinformed or pressured. It was my choice and I would tell my son his birth story 20 times over if he asked. I do not think it is appropriate to tell other people's children about birth at all. That is their family's job and prerogative. You can change the world by setting an example with your own experience, not by contradicting others. Oh, and please don't judge MY experience, because it was wonderful!!!







:


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:

*Do you think it's appropriate to say something like*, "You know, hospitals are for medical emergencies - and some women like to push their babies out there or even have operations to remove their babies - but more and more women are beginning to realize that babies can be safely and lovingly born at home.
To answer the question, no, I don't think it's appropriate. I think it's obnoxious for others to push their personal beliefs, no matter what they are, upon my children without discussing it with me first.


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## seaheroine (Dec 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lness* 
I have to admit I'm not an evangelist, but: You don't have to say anything. Your own kids will learn from you, the others will learn from their parents, and then when they're a little older they'll collectively decide none of you know anything and go do the opposite!
jk








I had never heard of a birth center or home birth growing up - my mom's deliveries were in hospital, medicated, by choice - but they raised and educated me to think for myself, so I managed to find what was right for me when the time came. And couldn't have been happier about our birth-center-born water baby!
Moral of the story - they'll get to where they need to be when the time is right, try not to stress about it.









Great post! So true.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

I would only say something if asked.

My oldest knows that he was born in a hospital. He even knows which hospital since we drive by it all the time.

But he wasn't surprised and didn't ask any questions when we saw (non-graphic) pictures of a friend's home birth.

In our world, babies are lovingly and safely born at home, at birth centers, in hospitals and sometimes even in the car, with a variety of assistance from professionals (anywhere from none to a scheduled c-section).


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

The scenario in the OP is also assuming that the kids don't know these thing. If dd1 were telling someone about dd2, she'd probably say something like, "mommy had to have a c-section and the doctor wouldn't let her wait until labour". That's totally wrong on all counts. But, it also wouldn't show that dd1 wants to homebirth her own babies, and has talked about being a midwife when she grows up. Someone telling the story of his/her sibling's arrival isn't going into all the birth politics surrounding it...especially a young child.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia* 
To answer the question, no, I don't think it's appropriate. I think it's obnoxious for others to push their personal beliefs, no matter what they are, upon my children without discussing it with me first.


ummm, yeah that.

OP, I'm sure you mean well and wish all the children in your life grow up to have natural, fantastic homebirths. BUT, it's not your place to interject your opinion. You could say, "actually, DC was born at home, not the hospital". If asked by a curious kid.... but that's about it.

Seriously. I have had 4 unwanted surgical births, and believe you me, I wish I had a dreamy homebirth and IF my DD so desired, I would be happy for her to bring her babies into the world in the comfort of her home.

I don't know what else to say w/o getting in a warning, but you should really take the time to think before telling young children, who aren't your own, what is best - in your opinion- and possibly passing on judgment as to how they or their siblings were born... b/c you don't know the whole story or reasoning behind others individual circumstances.


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## baglady (Jul 13, 2009)

"Some babies are even born at home." That's the extent of what's appropriate. If it is children that are not your own, I wouldn't say anything. By the time they have children, I'm sure they will be aware that homebirth exists.

I was aware of all of the options and went with hospital birth. I have never in my life just followed the crowd. You will find that in life you will come across people who have the same information as you and make a different choice.

Edited to add: I hope that doesn't warrant a warning. It should be read with a kind tone.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stik* 
Children who describe a sibling's birth aren't checking in for adult feedback on their parents' birthing choices. I would never interject an explanation of home birth into any child's narrative about a hospital birth in their family. It would be a pointless interruption in what that child is attempting to communicate. Adults shouldn't interrupt children just because they want to make points that are irrelevant to the demands of the moment or the child's narrative purpose.

I would bring up home birth in a discussion of birth in the media, in discussions of birth in general, if a child asked about a birth that happened at home, or with children who express the belief that babies can only be born in the hospital. Those are valid educational moments.

"The story of how my baby sister got here," as related by an older sibling, should not be twisted by adults to fit an educational or political agenda.

This exactly. We are planning a homebirth and I'd be happy to share that with any visiting kids ask and answer their questions as appropriate, but no way do I need to make a "statement".

I face the same things with bottles vs. breast. When a child asks why the difference, I just say that it's a mommy's choice. It's not up to me to say Breast is best, etc....


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## crl (May 9, 2004)

I agree with previous posters that unless you are speaking to your own children, I would not approach this topic. I just wanted to add that if a child says, "I came home" or "when my sister came home" no one should assume that means a hospital birth. It may well mean the child was adopted! Lots of ways for babies to join families.

Catherine


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## LiLStar (Jul 7, 2006)

I would be hesitant to start teaching *someone else's kids* about home/natural birth unless it came up very specifically. Like, if another child were to make some kind of reference to my ds being in the hospital when he was born, or said something about "when he came home from the hospital" I might say something like, "oh, actually, he wasn't born in a hospital. He was born at home" and if they acted surprised or confused or whatever, I'd just say something like there's lots of places to have a baby, and all mommies get to choose where they want their baby to be born.

But if they were talking about their own birth, or a sibling's, or someone who was, in fact, born in a hospital, I'm not going to take it as an opportunity to start teaching about home birth, because that kinda strikes me as devalidating their birth, or their siblings, or whoevers.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

You believe strongly in homebirth. That's great. Others believe strongly that the best place to give birth is in a hospital. Let's not debate whether that's true....just for one second accept that some people honestly and in good faith believe hospital is best.

Now imagine one of those hospital-believers approached your child and said something along the lines of "You know homes are places where families live and we raise our children...and some people like to give birth at home, but many people understand that babies can be safely and lovingly born in hospital. In fact, I had all my babies in hospital and it was a wonderful experience. Some day when you are pregnant you should look into all your birthing options before just deciding to go with the crowd."

How would you react?


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## Bug-a-Boo's Mama (Jan 15, 2008)

Hmm...I understand that you want to educate others on different forms of childbirth/places but I just don't know what you could say. I know that I wouldn't want someone coming up to DS and telling him about it. When K asked I explained how he was born and where. He was a little over 3 at that time. Now if he asked a friend (of course he assumes everyone was born the same way he was-again, he is only three) and she then explained how her baby was born, that would be fine. It would be the right place and circumstance.

I have no problem with DS knowing different ways and places for giving birth but I don't want a random person, casual friend being the bearer of this info. And as he gets older and has more question about his own birth etc. I will definitely explain and answer questions as to why such and such happened and what was wanted to happen etc.


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

It is always very tricky dealing with other people's kids. Regardless of the topic, I do think it is OK to engage conversation and present ideas to our fellow human beings, even if they are kids. The parents job is to provide the foundation, the place to bring ideas from the outside world, the values by which to judge new ideas.
If someone insulted my child, I would be livid. Like, if an adult said, "your mama had you at home 'cause she's poor and dumb". But if someone thought to share their ideas with her? Even if they were different from my own ideas, even if they kinda shook my daughter's view of the world and morals I've taught her, I think I'd be OK with it. The world is a big wild place with lots of people saying lots of things. Is it OK to even talk to other people's kids? Is it OK to say what you think and tell kids things you'd like them to know? I say, of course!
When I was a preschool teacher, we talked a lot about where food comes from. Parents were so mad at me that I had told kids that meat comes from animals. It's a similar value-laden issue. I do not think I was in the wrong. And I don't think you are in the wrong for wanting to say your piece, even to small listeners.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Quote:

Is it OK to say what you think and tell kids things you'd like them to know? I say, of course!
Yikes is this a slippery slope. What about my neighbor deciding she could tell another neighbor's child that gay people are going to hell because that is what the Bible says (true story and she was saying it because the other neighbor is gay)?

We simply have no right to thrust our beliefs and values about such core issues onto children who aren't ours. My son's wonderful and much loved uncle is a dedicated hunter and I am not interested in his teacher pushing her animal rights stance in the classroom. That is a minefield *I* will navigate with my son. This very idea of pushing certain "correct" values is why so many chose to homeschool.

I believe we can talk about the ideals of justice and mercy and kindness and illuminate people who have made a difference without being exclusionary.


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## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *stik* 
Children who describe a sibling's birth aren't checking in for adult feedback on their parents' birthing choices. I would never interject an explanation of home birth into any child's narrative about a hospital birth in their family. It would be a pointless interruption in what that child is attempting to communicate. Adults shouldn't interrupt children just because they want to make points that are irrelevant to the demands of the moment or the child's narrative purpose.

I would bring up home birth in a discussion of birth in the media, in discussions of birth in general, if a child asked about a birth that happened at home, or with children who express the belief that babies can only be born in the hospital. Those are valid educational moments.

"The story of how my baby sister got here," as related by an older sibling, should not be twisted by adults to fit an educational or political agenda.

Yes, this. This exactly. Using a sibling's narrative of a birth, or worse yet, a child's narrative of their own birth, to interject a political point would be like telling a child who is excitedly relating her Disney trip that her airplane trip released 12 tons of greenhouse gases and Mickey is a tool of the Capitalist Elite to imprison her and her family in a vast web of consumer culture.

Time and place, and that's not it.


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## Jackpackbaby (Oct 9, 2006)

I would think one would come off as argumentative and inflammatory when such a thing is told to children, or anyone for that matter. Unless you are directly asked just nod and smile and say "that's nice". Not everyone is like you (and I don't mean YOU personally, just in general) and not being so does not make one better than the other person or more educated. What is the point of throwing people's experiences/practices into question? I say this to every mother I know when she questions herself; "we all have the same destination; we just have different roads to get there". Take myself for example, I gave birth at home to both of my children (I was a surrogate for my first pregnancy and delivered in the hospital). I breastfed both of my children and DS was 3 1/2 and DD was 2 1/2 when they weaned themselves (their decision not mine). We still co-sleep, we homeschool, I cloth diapered exclusively with flats and pins, we don't vaccinate, we don't watch TV although we do watch movies, I still carry my kids in my carrier when they let me and they are almost 6 and 3, we did not circumcise our DS and we are locavores eating as much farm-grown and farm raised food as we can. Now, does this make me or my choices better than anyone else? Of course not. I used to think they were in some way. That my beliefs and practices had more redemptive value over my children's upbringing than theirs. As I got older however I realized more and more that my choices are mine own and they are not necessarily better that the average mom who feeds her kids formula and had an elective c-section, uses 'sposies and eats Doritos. She is going down her road the best way she knows how. She doesn't need someone else's supposedly "superior views" lorded over her or her children. My choices were right for us and their choices are right for them. Not every person needs to know or needs to care that there are many ways to birth a baby and many venues to do so in especially when they are children. There is no right or wrong way. As long as the kid comes out what does it really matter where or how it is done on a case-by-case basis? Now, thinking globally about the birthing and laboring conditions of women in this world and trying to change it is one thing. Being argumentative or judgmental, especially to children, is quite another. At that point one would not come across as helpful or educated one would simply come across as immature, argumentative and smug.


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

I don't think saying what you think is the same as forcing or pushing your values on someone else. And I do not think it harms a child to be told something in conflict with the parents views. Schools are a great example, churches could be another. When told something "weird", a child would go home and say: Guess what my teacher/ sunday school teacher/ a weird lady I never met before said? And then I, the parent, listen to my child and pick up the dialog there. "Some people believe that...but I believe that....and I hope you agree with me because..." and maybe even a "that person should not have said that to you because..." I want my child to adopt my values, I think that most parents do, right? But I'm not worried that random borderline/inappropriate comments from strangers will damage my kid or scramble her brain.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

Quote:

And I do not think it harms a child to be told something in conflict with the parents views.
But I do think it causes needless confusion and worry to be told "gay people are bad," or "that particular religion is bad," or whatever.

I have a sneaking suspicion that folks who endorse this idea of kids can handle it are fine as long as it is values and judgements they agree with.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spmamma* 
Just because a woman has chosen to have a hospital birth doesn't mean she was drugged out or at the mercy of a doctor. I gave birth to my DD in a hospital without the use of pain killers, and I believe my birth experience was very natural. I'm proud of my experience and it's sad to hear another woman (however inadvertently) demeaning it. Hospital birth is a very acceptable way to have a baby.

When speaking with your own children, I think it's great to talk about your home birth experiences and to say that many women are choosing to give birth at home. But like PPs have said, I would avoid making blanket statements about hospitals and C-sections. It can come off as judgmental and make children fearful of the possibility of hospital births (which, in some cases are necessary even if you're planning a HB or UC).

I agree with this. I chose my hospital birth and I have never regretted it. I loved Ina May's book about how nice natural birth can be and I recommend it to pregnant people when they tell me they are scared about birth because it is very reaffirming, but I also believe that the hospital is the place for birth and this is what I teach my dd. I don't think a statement about birth choices and how pregnancy works is appropriate to make to someone else's child. I would be horrified if someone suggested that my child consider what she will do when she is pregnant, she hasn't even been to college. I would not even consider pushing my view of homebirth on another person's child. I don't want a child to think that they are not normal just because I disagree with the way someone else gave birth.


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## trillian11 (Apr 13, 2008)

I sure hope no one ever tells my son he didn't have a "normal" birth because we needed an emergency c-section. That really seems beyond anyone else's business. We did what we had to do, and I'm thankful we're both more than ok and have a happy family. I don't know why anyone would want to make anyone else feel bad about their birth experience. What's wrong with what other posters have said...."There are lots of different ways to have babies." What you did isn't "better" or more "normal" than what anyone else has done.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
but I also believe that the hospital is the place for birth and this is what I teach my dd.

It's _A_ place for birth whether you teaching you dd that or not. There are many choices to be made when it comes to childbirth. I completely agree that no one should phrase it how the OP did, but when it comes up the I'm having a homebirth, should I shield another person's child and lie? I don't think I will. That doesn't mean I owe an educational statement to anyone nor does it mean I have anything against what others choose to do.

I guess it's strange to me that you'd teach your dd that the hosp. is the place for birth when there's so much out there. OTOH, I suppose I teach my kids that breastfeeding is "best" in our household so I suppose I could be called hypocritical there. But I never say bad things about FF, I just say good things about BF. They will never get the message from me that FF isn't another mom's legit choice even though I have very strong feelings about it.


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## inkslinger (May 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
I agree with this. I chose my hospital birth and I have never regretted it. I loved Ina May's book about how nice natural birth can be and I recommend it to pregnant people when they tell me they are scared about birth because it is very reaffirming, but I also believe that the hospital is the place for birth and this is what I teach my dd. I don't think a statement about birth choices and how pregnancy works is appropriate to make to someone else's child. I would be horrified if someone suggested that my child consider what she will do when she is pregnant, she hasn't even been to college. I would not even consider pushing my view of homebirth on another person's child. I don't want a child to think that they are not normal just because I disagree with the way someone else gave birth.

I agree with this as well. My hospital birth was drug-free, and I think it was a "normal" birth.


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## katheek77 (Mar 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 
Do you think it's appropriate to say something like, "You know, hospitals are for medical emergencies."

???

Looking for help here!

Frankly, that's inaccurate. EMERGENCY ROOMS are for medical emergencies, and intensive care units often handle emergency situations. However, many hospitals are also the centralized location for specialists. Specialists, including OB/GYNs and midwives, who often prevent and/or control medical situations so they DON'T become emergencies.

I would worry about scaring a child who hears that Gramma is going in for a routine visit with her endocrinologist and thinking that that means Gramma is in an emergency situation.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Youngfrankenstein* 
It's _A_ place for birth whether you teaching you dd that or not. There are many choices to be made when it comes to childbirth. I completely agree that no one should phrase it how the OP did, but when it comes up the I'm having a homebirth, should I shield another person's child and lie? I don't think I will. That doesn't mean I owe an educational statement to anyone nor does it mean I have anything against what others choose to do.

I guess it's strange to me that you'd teach your dd that the hosp. is the place for birth when there's so much out there. OTOH, I suppose I teach my kids that breastfeeding is "best" in our household so I suppose I could be called hypocritical there. But I never say bad things about FF, I just say good things about BF. They will never get the message from me that FF isn't another mom's legit choice even though I have very strong feelings about it.

I don't agree that home birth is safe so I won't be teaching it as an option to my dd while she is still so young. I teach my dd what I think is best. If she wants to discuss birthing options when she is much older then I will tell her my reasoning behind my point of view, but I don't view now as the time to do that. I also think that you can tell children that you had a homebirth or a hospital birth, if they ask where your baby was born, without turning it into a pedestal moment, making a child feel abnormal, and taking on a role to someone else's child that really isn't yours to take.


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## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *betsyj* 
But I do think it causes needless confusion and worry to be told "gay people are bad," or "that particular religion is bad," or whatever.

I have a sneaking suspicion that folks who endorse this idea of kids can handle it are fine as long as it is values and judgements they agree with.


I meant exactly, when children are told things not in line with the parents view. As in, not in line with my views. I am sure at some point somebody will tell my daughter things I don't believe- Santa and the Tooth fairy, racism, all different kinds of religious ideas, etc. But it is not my job to patrol and police the comments strangers make to my child. It is my job to explain, help her understand, guide her to adopt the views I think are right. Whether this is about sex or birth or religion or global warming, the essence is still the same. It is OK to say what you think. It provides an opportunity for dialog and discussion.


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## bebebradford (Apr 4, 2008)

Oh man. I just want to throw this out there:
Just because we make a decision based on our beliefs does not make it the only way to do something. Neither option is better...hospital or at home. I WANTED a home birth, but my husband who works in the medical field begged me not to. The day my DD was born, I labored at home for quite a while.. my husband finally convinced me to go. When she was born, there was fluid in her lungs and she was turning blue. They had to put a tube down her throat to get it all out. I was TERRIFIED! If I had done it at home, the way I wanted.. she might have not made it. I respect both choices, but for MY REASONS I'm so GLAD I had dd's birth at the hospital.. The doctor/nurses intervened and quickly got my baby better! I was so thankful for them!









Sometimes I think we say things before we really think about them. If I said that home birth's were unsafe and wrong.. wouldn't that offend you?


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trillian11* 
I sure hope no one ever tells my son he didn't have a "normal" birth because we needed an emergency c-section. That really seems beyond anyone else's business. We did what we had to do, and I'm thankful we're both more than ok and have a happy family. I don't know why anyone would want to make anyone else feel bad about their birth experience. What's wrong with what other posters have said...."There are lots of different ways to have babies." What you did isn't "better" or more "normal" than what anyone else has done.

yeah, that.

i find the whole designation of of "normal" birth (or breastfeeding as "normal") to be obnoxious and damaging, as it implies anything else is somehow pathological







:

my birth was not pathological. and my next one (which, if it happens, will be cesarean as well) won't be either. babies come how they come--all different ways--and it is for mama and baby to come to terms with that.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Honestly... you shouldn't say much unless the kid is over ten years old and hangs with you and your kids alot.

I have a very devout friend who did her best to convince her kids that she had a special zipper to help the baby come out (she's always a c-sec)and God told the doctors when to help her. I would cringe but not say anything. I would talk it over with my own kids later.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Quote:

When she was born, there was fluid in her lungs and she was turning blue. They had to put a tube down her throat to get it all out. I was TERRIFIED! If I had done it at home, the way I wanted.. she might have not made it.
Midwives are trained in neonatal resuscitation and carry oxygen and equipment. They are prepared to help a baby in this situation.


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## Ceili (Nov 21, 2001)

I just went through this at my son's school. I have a 5 week old baby and the little girls like to come over and talk to me and look at the baby. One of them loves to ask questions and one day she asked me did we "get the baby at the hospital" and I do what I always do with my son when he asks things about sex, I answer only what was asked. So I said "no we didn't get the baby at the hospital." She kept going and eventually over the 20 minutes we were sitting there we covered that the baby was born at home (and ds too) and no I wasn't laying down in the bed when they were born. Her mom showed up at pickup then so we didn't discuss water birth.

I do the same thing with questions about breastfeeding. If a kid wants to ask questions, I answer them. If they make incorrect blanket "all babies..." statements I'll correct them with a basic "well not all the time, sometimes babies/mamas..." type statement and leave it at that.


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## Thisbirdwillfly (May 10, 2009)

As a mother whose 8 year old son came home in tears after being told by a well meaning neighborhood mother that the only way to get to Heaven is by believing in Jesus Christ (he was old enough to figure out in his head where that meant he and his parents were not going to Heaven), I ask people to be very thoughtful before sharing on such sensitive topics.

My poor kid was so terribly upset. It took quite awhile to work through it all.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Landover* 
...To other people's children, I might say something fun like... "My baby was born in my den, while I was in a fishy pool! It was so fun!"









Now, this I like. A lot. It opens up a new concept with no fear. Wonderful! It's something that can easily be added to a child's concept of birth in a way that produces no anxiety, "I was born in a hosptial but my friend was born in a fishy tub!"

The difference to me is in not using fear or upending other families belief systems. There is a world of difference between saying to a child "Only Christians go to Heaven" and "Our family is Christian and we have fun singing songs at church." You know?


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## JacqNS (Feb 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ceili* 
I just went through this at my son's school. I have a 5 week old baby and the little girls like to come over and talk to me and look at the baby. One of them loves to ask questions and one day she asked me did we "get the baby at the hospital" and I do what I always do with my son when he asks things about sex, I answer only what was asked. So I said "no we didn't get the baby at the hospital." She kept going and eventually over the 20 minutes we were sitting there we covered that the baby was born at home (and ds too) and no I wasn't laying down in the bed when they were born. Her mom showed up at pickup then so we didn't discuss water birth.

I do the same thing with questions about breastfeeding. If a kid wants to ask questions, I answer them. If they make incorrect blanket "all babies..." statements I'll correct them with a basic "well not all the time, sometimes babies/mamas..." type statement and leave it at that.

I really appreciate this approach. Thank you so much for sharing.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I answer questions honestly but would never interject my personal views onto a child relating a story to me. Like many of the pp pointed out, it's totally inappropriate. If my child asks a religous person about God, I am fine with them answering with what they believe. But if someone starts to preach to my kid out of the blue, I'd be pretty pissed.

By the way, I had a hospital birth and a home birth. The hospital birth was completely without drugs and I didn't even see my doctor until I was pushing, so I wasn't at his mercy. But even if I had had drugs, I don't know that I would want my birth called "unnatural."

I woudl choose a homebirth if I had another baby, but I am not necessarily a homebirth advocate - I am a birth choice advocate. I want women to have all the right information so they can choose what feels right for them, just like I did. This is how we change the birth culture. We don't tell people what is right or wrong, because that will just be an unending argument.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Sorry, I've not read all the comments, not interested in discussing what is "normal" or "natural" birth but I wanted to answer the OP. I will correct incorrect statements like "only doctors can deliver babies" and such and I will share my own experiences with birth but I will not discuss the merit of my choices with other children unless I'm asked specifically and the child seems mature enough to handle an honest answer.


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KweenKrunch* 

Still, I do think it's important to change our birth culture and the birth machine. If I don't speak up for normal, natural birth - who will? It's a problem that girls are being raised to believe the only place to have a baby is in a hospital, drugged out and at the mercy of a doctor

???

Looking for help here!

I'm sorry, but I find this just a bit extreme. It is a personal choice and it is not up to other parents to "educate" someone else's little girl on what they deem as proper and correct. I'm not ashamed of the fact that dd was born in a hospital and I will teach her that giving birth in a medical facility (whether with a midwife or a doctor) is perfectly "normal."


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## Frootloop (Aug 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chipper26* 
I'm sorry, but I find this just a bit extreme. It is a personal choice and it is not up to other parents to "educate" someone else's little girl on what they deem as proper and correct. I'm not ashamed of the fact that dd was born in a hospital and I will teach her that giving birth in a medical facility (whether with a midwife or a doctor) is perfectly "normal."

This.
*I'm* personally not comfortable with home birth, but I do believe it to be a valid choice for other mamas. I would be pretty ticked off if someone decided to invalidate my hospital birthing experiences to my children.

The terms "normal" or "natural" birth are highly variable.

My DS's birth was very medicalized and narrowly avoided a c-section. It was a terrible hospital birth and I was more than a little traumatized over how it all went down. I had numerous interventions with him (induced heavily with pitocin and cytotec, given morphine without my consent (I was told that the doctor "ordered it" and since I was a very immature 18 yr old, I didn't question it at all) so that I would sleep, repeated cervical checks, had an oxygen mask literally strapped to my face because I became combative and wouldn't keep it on, he was posterior and rather stuck and showing distress, therefore I was given emergency general anesthesia so they could get him out asap (they were able to pull him out after cutting me from one hole to the next), and I ended up with a severe uterine infection and spiking an extremely high temperature, requiring a much longer hospital stay than they usually "require".. and many more issues that I'll spare you. I wouldn't consider his birth normal in the slightest bit. Would it have gone better if I had given birth at home? Possibly. Maybe even probably.

My DD's birth also had a few interventions that I would have happily done without (IV, pitocin, AROM, and constant monitoring), but I went with no pain medication whatsoever and had an extremely comfortable hospital stay with wonderful nurses who "allowed" me to co-sleep with her so that I could nurse her whenever I needed to. I had an amazing amount of support there. Granted, I would've rathered not had any interventions at all, but I truly have zero ill feelings about her birth. I'm quite bothered by the fact that this wouldn't be considered a "normal birth".. and I'm pretty sure that other mamas who give birth with even zero interventions would take offense to the notion that just because of WHERE she gave birth, it's not considered a "normal birth".


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## JennTheMomma (Jun 19, 2008)

Although Hunter is only 2 years old, we have already been talking about birth to him. Mainly because I'm pregnant and we would love for him to be with us while I give birth, and we're planning a homebirth. I show him pictures from books with women giving birth and we've watched The Business of Being Born, and he always says "go, go, go, yay" when the baby comes out. Its cute. Anyways, I tell DS that babies enter this world in all different ways. Some come from mommy's tummy by a Doctor for all sorts of reasons, some come from down there. Some have babies at home and some have them at hospitals or special places for birthing (birth centers). I want my kids to know that there are all different options when birth comes and that it doesn't always go as planned. I don't want them to think that homebirth is better than hospital birth because for some its not and no one is better than the other for the way and place they gave birth. As for talking to other children about it, I don't think its my place to talk about birth. I think thats for the parents because some may not like it.


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