# Had a miscarriage this morning...



## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

I am (was) 6 weeks today. I had some bleeding since Wednesday evening, and I had a bad feeling as soon as I saw it. It was bright red. It was like a light period, just spotting on my panties, but every time I wiped there was a lot of blood. I waited to see what was going to happen...since there was nothing I could really do either way to protect this pregnancy. This morning I made a call into a CNM practice that I visited two years ago. I saw an OB there, which was ok. He was super nice. He did an exam, and saw a clot sitting just outside my cervix (in the vaginal canal). He asked if he could remove it, and I agreed. It was going to come out regardless, so I saw no harm. It appeared to be the placenta, and then I started bleeding very heavy. He did an ultrasound, and my uterus looked empty. I am in shock still even though I was prepared to hear this. I had DH with me, which was nice.

I do not feel entitled to feel this sad since I was only six weeks. People lose children or pregnancies much further along, and I feel like I am somehow degrading their pain and loss. I have only had confirmation I was pregnant for two weeks. Yet, here I am so sad having to tell everyone what has happened.

This pregnancy felt so strong. I had symptoms from the week of implantation on. They were so strong. I had fears, but I also felt really confident about it. I half expected to be pregnant with twins, and to see that one had passed.

The last part of my long story is that I had a dream the night before I POAS. I was out somewhere and a woman started talking to me. She told me that I was pregnant, and the pregnancy was really strong. Then she said the baby was not going to stay though. In my dream I was hysterically crying, and asking her to explain over and over. She just looked at me calmly and told me that the baby was not going to stay, and it was going to take me another two years to conceive. I rationalized the dream as just my fears playing out, but I still remembered it. I did not want to attract this or create this reality, so I practiced EFT on my fears surrounding this dream. Now it has sort of come true, and I am really scared what the future holds.

Thanks for letting me tell my story.


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

Of course you deserve to be sad. You lost a baby, you can feel whatever you need to right now.

Lots of







and healing to you, mama.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Oh mama, don't make your loss sound like it was insignificant, it feels like the end of the world. I don't think it matters how far along you were, you still lost your baby, and that is more than anyone should ever have to bear. Sending you much love and hugs


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## Sunshine4004 (Nov 17, 2006)

Don't feel like you cannot grieve. I lost my baby at 10 weeks...I found out at 10 weeks that my baby had died at 7-8 weeks and it was one of the saddest things I had to go through in my life. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry. A baby is a baby no matter how long you get to carry him/her. And losing a baby is such a horrible experience. Give yourself lots of time to grieve. And don't let anyone tell you that you need to get over it quickly. That really irks me when people think that.


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## elspethshimon (Nov 23, 2007)

Honor your feelings.

Be well.


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## joshs_girl (Dec 8, 2006)

Mama - no matter how early that pregnancy was/is, you already made plans for your baby, and that makes it all real. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Olerica (Nov 19, 2007)

I'm really sorry about your MC, Mama. It's tough, I know.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I'm so sorry mama. It sounds like you had a really strong connection to this baby. My belief, for what it's worth, is it probably need just the mothering it could get from you for that little time.


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter how early you were, it still hurts.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

You have every right to be sad or any other emotion that comes up. A loss is a loss no matter how many weeks along you are. My first was at 7 weeks, this one a missed 9 week miscarriage at 12 weeks both were equally disturbing for me. Take care of yourself and feel free to get as much support here as you need.


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## MySunflowerBoys (Nov 22, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. You do have every right to mourn. I had a premonition dream right before my last m/c also. Sometimes our mind prepares us for what our heart fears the most.







for your baby


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I am so sorry


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## jsmith2279 (Jan 12, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

So sorry. Give yourself permission to grieve exactly how you need to with no guilt or apologies.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Thanks everyone. It has been a long day. I feel like I have been living in two worlds today. One, where things must go on, and the other, where I just cannot believe that this has happened. I find myself laughing and joking and within minutes full of sadness and sorrow.

I keep thinking that there must be some sort of mistake. I have had minimal cramping, almost none, and I feel fine. The only symptom of our loss is the bleeding, which has not even been that heavy. In some ways I still feel pregnant, and then I see how much my stomach (and uterus) have already shrunk.

Almost all the calls are made. I just have one more to make. That was hard and weird and awkward. I actually had someone say: "Everything does happen for a reason, and I am sure you will understand that a lot better over time." I just would not say this to someone. Right now, I do not want to think I had to lose my baby to learn a cosmic lesson.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

s mama. I am so sorry for your loss. I certainly don't htink it a cosmic lesson to lose a child and I pray you may heal quickly. I was so angry it almost consumed me.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

I am swaying between anger and sorrow. How is it fair that I lost a baby that I wanted, and people have children they never want? I know there is nothing fair about any of this.

I have not been sleeping well since the bleeding started. Last night I just kept having dreams that this was all a mistake, and I was still pregnant. Then I was just up for hours...thinking about everything we lost.

I keep thinking about how the nurse was so excited for us in the ob's office. We had planned on having a homebirth with CPM, so I had not made any contact with this office until yesterday morning. They did a pregnancy test, and she said it came back so bright so quickly. Then she said because there were so many eights in the due date of the baby we should play the lottery with the numbers. She just seemed genuinely excited. When I was leaving she could barely look at me. I overheard one of the midwives talking, and she said that she had seen seven patients that day. 2 viable pregnancies, 3 undetermined nonviable and 2 ectopics. She was asking the other midwife to see her next patient because she just needed a break. Oddly, it is comforting to know that they are affected too. I felt that with the dr we saw. He just kept saying he was sorry. I feel like the humanness of the medical society gets lost sometimes, and I was happy to see it.

I did remember something else that I interpreted differently when it happened. Sometime after I conceived and before the pregnancy test I had a really bad headache. I used a form of imaging with EFT to get rid of it. During the imaging I saw a held a zygote (I knew it was a zygote, but it looked like a baby) in my arms, and released it into this beautiful white light. I felt a huge surge of energy after that and very calm and peaceful. I guessed that it was probably something from my past (another life...whether dream or literal...or just something I was carrying around). I forgot about this image until about a week after I got the BFP. Then I started to think that maybe the light was my womb, and I had held the baby that would be ours. Now I just do not know what to think. I stayed pregnant for a while after that imaging, but it seems that was our baby.

Today I am trudging along. I am going to do some shopping, my brother is coming over, and I am going to finish up the pregnancy journal for this baby. I only have one picture for it. I am really looking forward to getting it all down.

Thanks everyone for reading along and responding. Your words have given me immense amounts of comfort and strength.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Mama,it sounds like you know this baby better than many many moms of full-lived babies.What a beautiful relationship you two have!I say keep that communication open.You have lost the body, not the spirit.You have such a stong connection,let it be a part of your healing.

I can relate to the living in two worlds.I have kept a life in a parallel world since my first mc at 8 wks. no one knew I named her, no one knew I think of her and heal with her every day.Part of my healing this time is sharing this other world.I do have two lives now.My life here, and my life there with my children born/died,and unborn.

I also had a premonition dream with this baby.It is a peice of her life I will always treasure.

I am in awe at what an amazing and attentive mama you are!


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Thank you *KindRedSpirit* for everything you said. It really meant a lot to me.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Mama, I am so sorry for your loss. You truly are a beautiful mama and you had a connection to this little soul. You will meet again.

Every pregnancy brings hopes, dreams and plans. You take all the time you need and keep posting here. The other mamas here will lift you up and keep your spirits soaring.

Please take care!







s.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Thanks! You mamas are so great and generous.

I was feeling better today. Then I watched a movie, The Nanny Diaries, tonight. I never read the book, and I thought it was a comedy. I cried from the beginning all the way through the end. The loss this little boy went through was just too much. I just feel so sad. I am a mess, and once again I am unable to sleep.

I talked to my mom tonight. It was the first time we talked since the miscarriage. I only told my brother and asked him to spread the word. I just did not want to talk about it and answer questions, which I knew my mom would not respect. I am just not up to it. I knew my brother would not ask questions. The first opportunity my mom got she started questioning me. I know she cares and means well, but this is how I want to grieve. First, she asked me if I was really pregnant. Did I have a miscarriage or did I get a false positive? I told her right then that the reason I only talked to my brother was because I did not want to answer questions. She then said that she wished I talked to her and answered a few questions. I told her again that I did not want to answer her questions, and I just wanted to grieve in my own way. Then she asked what the dr said...which I really did not understand. I think she was asking if they gave a cause for the miscarriage. I reminded her I did not want to answer any questions. Then she asked if I just start bleeding, then she asked if I cried. It was endless and so annoying. After every question I would remind her that I did not want to discuss this right now. I did answer some of her questions, too, because I know she is also trying to work through her pain. I wish she just understood that I was hurting too much to want to go through the details.

I have just heard so many stupid things these last few days. In contrast, I have been moved by the beautiful things people have said. I have gotten so much love and support, on here and IRL.


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## Megan_in_Holland (Jan 11, 2007)

Oh mama, I'm so sorry for your loss.







I agree with all the other wise mamas who have posted already-- please honor your feelings and don't minimize them. The number of weeks you were pregnant has nothing to do with the powerful connection you had already established with your babe. Your friends and family may not understand that, but it's true. You have the right to take as long as you need to to grieve for the babe you lost, in whatever way you see fit-- sharing your feelings with others, or keeping them private, whatever feels right to _you_. You don't have to "put up a brave front" for anyone else, and you certainly don't have to rationalize or tolerate rude remarks from others.

I know it doesn't make the pain any less, but I just wanted to say that I was really moved by your description of the connection you felt with your babe-- it sounds like you are a really strong, intuitive person and I wish you much strength and healing in the time to come.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

Thanks everyone. I am having such a hard day today. I cannot even keep my mind focused enough to watch television. I think it started last night when I saw a television show with a woman taking a pregnancy test. Those were some of the greatest moments for me, and now they are not clouded by this horrific feeling.

I had this dream last night about my newborn baby boy. He was not mine though (my brother and then a cousin's baby). I brought his clothes and diapers. He was so perfect. I am not sure if this was the baby I lost coming for a visit with me, but it felt like it was.

Tonight I have a session with my therapist. I do not even feel like going or talking. I just want to curl in bed and put the covers over my head until I just feel better.

I thought this would be easier. Today has been so hard.


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## Tina Marie (Nov 5, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter how long you were pregnant. If you want to fall to pieces then fall to pieces. No one can tell you how to feel. Even if it doesn't feel like it, know you are an amazingly strong person. Just from what I read, you are inspiring. I hope you can continue to heal. Take as long as you want. If you ever need someone to talk to who is on a similar road of loss and recovery, let me know


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

May you find peace and healing, mama.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

I am feeling better today. My therapy session was good. My therapist cried with me over the loss of the baby.

Today I went through my subscribed threads and erased all the ones from the DDC. I could not stop myself from looking at people's belly pictures, which made me feel so sad. It feels so final now.

I have a question for anyone reading this. My bleeding started on Wednesday last week. I passed the sac on Friday morning. The bleeding before that was like a light period...not filling a pad in a day, but a fair amount of blood at the end of the day. After the sac passed I had a lot of bleeding initially. Then it went back to being really light and continued to get lighter each day. On Monday night I slept without any pad on. During this whole time I barely had any cramping...not even like the lightest menstrual cramps. Then yesterday I started getting stronger (not strong) cramping, and the bleeding got heavy. I filled up two pads yesterday and one overnight (I use all cotton Glad-Rags...so it was the case with two inserts). It seems lighter today. I just have some spotting on the pad. I talked to the midwife, and she said if it continued I would have to go back to the office to check things out. Did anyone else just get a surge right before the bleeding stopped? I just have a feeling that I was not ready to let go of this baby, so I was holding it back. Now I am saying good-bye, and the rest is coming out. Any thoughts?

Thanks everyone for reading and posting. You all have been a huge comfort!


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better. Crying helped me so much and crying with someone was really nice.

It sounds like you had such an amazing connection with this baby. I did with mine that I lost too. Hard as that makes it, it is pretty awesome to be connected to someone that way. I think that says a lot about how open your heart and spirit are.

I did start bleeding again after I (and 2 midwives) thought I'd passed the sac and my bleeding had stopped. I ended up getting an ultrasound and finding out I hadn't passed it. I hope that's not what's happening to you, but I did want to answer your question.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

*WaturMama* thanks for the information.


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## BlissfullyLoving (May 4, 2006)

A quick update: I passed two larger clots yesterday, and the bleeding has slowed down. The last of my pregnancy symptoms also seem to have gone away.









Today is good though. I am keeping my mind busy, and it is working.


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