# Anyone else struggle with the fact that DH is circed?



## CrunchyChristianMama (Dec 5, 2008)

My DH was circed as a baby even though his mother was wavering about it. The doc did not do a good job and cut off a little bit too much skin. While he still functions ok, he does have signs of a too tight circ. I had no idea until recently that these things were because of his circ. Now that I know, I realize why some things in our intimate life are the way they are. I haven't really talked to him about it, but it's started to bother me.

Anyone else struggle with this? How did you move past it?


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## benj (Jun 4, 2009)

Does it bother him?

I was recently cut (really high) so I can see why it is an issue for you.


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## hakunangovi (Feb 15, 2002)

I don't think my DW cares, but I have to say that I have struggled most of my life over the fact that my Mom had me circumcised.


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## Mrsboyko (Nov 13, 2007)

sometimes. it is very tight and i believe that he would be happier if it werent so tight. Plus the scar there. MIL likes to tell us how he kept getting little baby erections and ripping his stitches out. overall though, it is his penis and really all I have ever known, so until he expresses concern I am leaving that topic alone. when we were discussing circ for ds (intact) i did show him some restoration info. not sure if it bothers him, it is kinda sensitive subject, kwim?


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## benj (Jun 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hakunangovi* 
I don't think my DW cares, but I have to say that I have struggled most of my life over the fact that my Mom had me circumcised.

Yeah, I've talked to a lot of guys that have stuggled. To be honest, if I was circumcised at birth, I would probably feel similarly. I still dislike the results even though I had control over it.


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## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

It makes me sad for the little baby he was when he was strapped down to board then tortured and betrayed by those who loved him....

It makes me sad for what could have been both for him and for us

but it is what it is and I deal with it by trying to stop it from happening to others.


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## perspective (Nov 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *benj* 
Yeah, I've talked to a lot of guys that have stuggled. To be honest, if I was circumcised at birth, I would probably feel similarly. I still dislike the results even though I had control over it.

If you don't mind me asking, do you regret getting circumcised now? Or are you fine with it? If you are fine with it, if you could go back in time, would you have done anything differently?


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## NewDirections (Jul 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mrsboyko* 
sometimes. it is very tight and i believe that he would be happier if it werent so tight. Plus the scar there. *MIL likes to tell us how he kept getting little baby erections and ripping his stitches out.* overall though, it is his penis and really all I have ever known, so until he expresses concern I am leaving that topic alone. when we were discussing circ for ds (intact) i did show him some restoration info. not sure if it bothers him, it is kinda sensitive subject, kwim?

That is awful









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fyrestorm* 
It makes me sad for the little baby he was when he was strapped down to board then tortured and betrayed by those who loved him....

It makes me sad for what could have been both for him and for us

but it is what it is and I deal with it by trying to stop it from happening to others.

This is what I feel too. It saddens me that my husband went through that pain.


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## benj (Jun 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *perspective* 
If you don't mind me asking, do you regret getting circumcised now? Or are you fine with it? If you are fine with it, if you could go back in time, would you have done anything differently?

I regret not researching the different styles of circumcision. I did not voice a preference and ended up getting cut very high and the frenulem removed. All lot of it is in my head, it is a huge mental adjustment but I am sure it will get better over time. I disliked the way I was previously as well as it caused a lot of problems and I am not entirely sure if they were all resolved. Probably not making any sense, sorry.


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## CrunchyChristianMama (Dec 5, 2008)

It doesn't seem to bother him at all, but it also didn't bother me until I started researching it. I had no idea that it could be any different. I just wish for both of us it could be different. But, I don't really want to bring it up with him because I don't want him to feel like I'm not ok with how he is now, yk?


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## Greg B (Mar 18, 2006)

Restoration (non-surgical) is always an option. Granted it is long and tedious, so many will not do it. But it can help and you can stop whenever it suites you.

Regards


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## starrynight256 (Jun 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *benj* 
I regret not researching the different styles of circumcision. I did not voice a preference and ended up getting cut very high and the frenulem removed. All lot of it is in my head, it is a huge mental adjustment but I am sure it will get better over time. I disliked the way I was previously as well as it caused a lot of problems and I am not entirely sure if they were all resolved. Probably not making any sense, sorry.









What kind of problems?

ETA: Oops, this is SlackerDad; I accidentally posted on my wife's account--forgot to sign her out first.


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## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

We didn't realize it was even an issue until I researched circ when I was pregnant. Once we realized, my husband was upset, and began foreskin restoration. He too was circ'd too much, and always was upset at his prematurity. Since doing the restoration, we're both much happier with sex. Perhaps that is something you can recommend?


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## benj (Jun 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *starrynight256* 
What kind of problems?

ETA: Oops, this is SlackerDad; I accidentally posted on my wife's account--forgot to sign her out first.

Ones that I'd rather not make public.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dahlea* 
We didn't realize it was even an issue until I researched circ when I was pregnant. Once we realized, my husband was upset, and began foreskin restoration. He too was circ'd too much, and always was upset at his prematurity. Since doing the restoration, we're both much happier with sex. Perhaps that is something you can recommend?

I don't think she wants to make it an issue if he doesn't have a problem with it. I think she was asking how she can handle it better. And for that, I don't have an answer...


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

I do but would never in a million years say something to DH about it. I would be totally supportive if he wanted to restore, but I think hes happy, hes never known any differently (I have) so I don't think he understands the difference.

well, I don't *struggle* but I would be supportive if he wanted to restore. He has a really really tight circ


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evie's Mama* 
My DH was circed as a baby even though his mother was wavering about it. The doc did not do a good job and cut off a little bit too much skin. While he still functions ok, he does have signs of a too tight circ. I had no idea until recently that these things were because of his circ. Now that I know, I realize why some things in our intimate life are the way they are. I haven't really talked to him about it, but it's started to bother me.

Anyone else struggle with this? How did you move past it?

I struggle with wanting what he doesn't have.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kriket* 
I do but would never in a million years say something to DH about it. I would be totally supportive if he wanted to restore, but I think hes happy, hes never known any differently (I have) so I don't think he understands the difference.

well, I don't *struggle* but I would be supportive if he wanted to restore. He has a really really tight circ









But I don't mention it, because I am certain he has no clue what he's (and I am) missing.


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## emma1325 (May 23, 2005)

Yes, I struggle with it. I'm very happy with our sex life, but wish that he hadn't had to go through something so awful. And I wish I would have had the opportunity to see my husband the way nature had intended for him to look. I feel angry that my MIL took that opportunity away from me.


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## SlackerDad (Jun 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *emma1325* 
I feel angry that my MIL took that opportunity away from me.

I see a lot of references like these on circ discussion boards. Shouldn't fathers bear an equal amount of blame? Not to mention of course the effect of social norms, particularly in eras and/or locations when circing was/is near universal.

Alan


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## emma1325 (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SlackerDad* 
I see a lot of references like these on circ discussion boards. Shouldn't fathers bear an equal amount of blame? Not to mention of course the effect of social norms, particularly in eras and/or locations when circing was/is near universal.

Alan

You're absolutely right. I do feel angry that our society allowed and encouraged so many baby boys, including my husband, to be circumcised against their wills. I direct most of my feelings, however, at my MIL because she, to this day, defends the fact that he was circumcised, despite the evidence we've presented to her. She seems to imply that she'd do it again given the opportunity, and we'd be wrong to not circumcise our child.

My husband's dad is deceased and I seriously doubt had any say-so regarding the circumcision.


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## Mama2Jesse (Jan 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SlackerDad* 
I see a lot of references like these on circ discussion boards. Shouldn't fathers bear an equal amount of blame? Not to mention of course the effect of social norms, particularly in eras and/or locations when circing was/is near universal.

Alan

Maybe they should, but there it is. :nana: I get angry at MIL over it, too.

Call me sexist, self hating, whatever, but mothers are supposed to protect their babies, even from their fathers if dad is a dingbat/misinformed/not a nice person. When women fail at doing so... I think we get angry on a herd level, KWIM? Too, the instant I held my boy, I knew I couldn't let anything cause him a moment's pain. Where was MIL's maternal instinct?

And yes, I had to go to war with DH over circumcision. Three days of sheer marital hell. I would have done anything to protect my son, and MIL... didn't even BOTHER.

Mind, my MIL... she wasn't a great mother. So it's not just that she had him circumcised, it's that she was always so disconnected from him. Pardon if this doesn't make sense, it is far too late for me to be attempting coherency. :yawning:


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

To the op's question, yes. I struggle with this. I especially struggle with this now that we have a son. To see our son's perfect little body and his beautiful eyes and to think of the pain that my husband went through as an infant....it's deeply emotional to me now. I have always had a strong visceral reaction against circumcision but having a son has moved it into a deeper level of emotion for me. It's personal now to me in a manner that it wasn't before I had a boy. (We have two older daughters, then the "Little Dude")

I also believe that circumcision is a part of influencing/controling people. If you can cause a mother to sever her instinct to protect her child, there isn't much you *can't* get her to believe. I am saying this in a very broad manner, not a specific one. I think convincing parents to circ opens up an avenue for the medical community to have power.


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## DJay (Sep 10, 2006)

As mentioned previously in this thread, foreskin restoration is always an option. And with the various devices available today, it's easier than it has ever been. A lot of information on this is available online.

It does take time, but if you really struggle with being circumcised, this is the direction to take.

I very much dislike being circumcised. I've restored. Today, my doctor thinks I've never been circumcised. I've not told me the difference.

Dj


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## alicewyf (Apr 24, 2008)

Yes, I struggle with it for my husband. He has had minor problems because of it (nothing major, our sex life is satisfying), and I feel so badly for him. He isn't angry about it though...he knows his parents love him and did what they thought was best at the time. He just knows enough now that no son of ours will ever be circed.

I have no idea if he's interested in restoration or not. I haven't brought it up.


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## tlh (Oct 10, 2007)

Doctors need to be told about this.Telling a parent that has already circumcised might make them reconsider what they chose but even if they decide it was wrong there is nothing they can do about it except tell other people/doctors.If more docotors heard that they had caused a problem in someones marriage/sex life etc. they might decide circumcision should be stopped and start looking for a way to reverse them.


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## ancoda (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SlackerDad* 
I see a lot of references like these on circ discussion boards. Shouldn't fathers bear an equal amount of blame? Not to mention of course the effect of social norms, particularly in eras and/or locations when circing was/is near universal.

Alan

I do think most of the times it should be on both parents head.

In my DH's case it is all on his mother. His parents were already discussing divorce when he was born, and she did everything in her power to annoy him. He said no to circ. since he is intact, so she circed. She also gave my DH a really funky spelling of his name because his first name is his father's middle name. That way it would not be spelled the same.
My DH is not bothered by his being circ, but i am mostly just knowing the reason that it happened.


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## ramama (Apr 13, 2007)

I do. My DH was circed as an adult, by choice (waaaaaaay before we met). I have seen more penises up close than he has, and I know that penises are not supposed to look like THAT, circed or not. I don't say anything because it's functional and all that. In the end, it makes me really glad that we have 2 girls, since DH is obviously pro-circ since he opted for it as an adult. Ugh...


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## desertpenguin (Apr 15, 2005)

yes i do struggle with it. it interferes with our sex life. often we have to change position repeatedly because it is uncomfortable for me and sometimes for him too. but he is not interested at all in restoration. how do i deal with it? hmm now i realize i don't deal with it very well and it warrants another discussion with dh... which will probably be fruitless but at least i can finally tell him why i don't ever initiate anything (something he complains about...)


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## perspective (Nov 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *benj* 
I regret not researching the different styles of circumcision. I did not voice a preference and ended up getting cut very high and the frenulem removed. All lot of it is in my head, it is a huge mental adjustment but I am sure it will get better over time. I disliked the way I was previously as well as it caused a lot of problems and I am not entirely sure if they were all resolved. Probably not making any sense, sorry.









haha, its ok, you made sense to me. When comparing the genders, men are usually looked at as the ones with the "simple" genitals, while for women you need some road map to understand.

But I think people dont give credit for how complex the penis really is, and also how "circumcision" is an umbrella term for many different procedures that do different things, none of which are a simple snip.

Combine those misunderstandings together and a lot of people will look take a complex organ, with varied issues and solutions, and instead see a very simple organ with one "simple" surgery that will most likely fix everything.

(I am not saying this was exactly your train of thought).

And this in itself is a whole other head to the monster of culturalized circumcision, a whole other issue that as your case proves can negatively effect even adult males.


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## KMK_Mama (Jan 29, 2006)

DH was circ'd at the age of 4....they wouldn't do it at birth because he was born premature (at 26 weeks in 1975!) so his mom had it done when she had saved up the money.







Yes, I wish he was intact and so does he. He bought a restoration device and wears it occasionally, but I haven't noticed much difference except that it may be a bit "looser." He hates the device because he says it falls off.....I wish there was an easier way to restore.


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## listipton (Jun 26, 2008)

Yeah, I struggle a little bit with it, but I'm also in the 'will not tell' camp. Dh really doesn't know what he's missing, seems happy with what he's got and I really think he would be offended if I brought up restoration. It just makes me sad that he had to go through it. He has been very supportive of our decision to leave our son intact after learning the facts about circ and has talked to his dad about it. I don't think he 'blames' anyone.


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## perspective (Nov 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KMK_Mama* 
DH was circ'd at the age of 4....they wouldn't do it at birth because he was born premature (at 26 weeks in 1975!) so his mom had it done when she had saved up the money.







Yes, I wish he was intact and so does he. He bought a restoration device and wears it occasionally, but I haven't noticed much difference except that it may be a bit "looser." He hates the device because he says it falls off.....I wish there was an easier way to restore.

Well restoration is a deeply personal journal that many take for a number of reasons. It seems like your husband still needs to figure out what he really wants.

If he is dedicated to restoration, then he should know there are a number of ways of doing so, and if he does not like the device/method he is using, then he should try a different one.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Yes.

After a lot of discussion, DH is working on restoring...


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evie's Mama* 
My DH was circed as a baby even though his mother was wavering about it. The doc did not do a good job and cut off a little bit too much skin. While he still functions ok, he does have signs of a too tight circ. I had no idea until recently that these things were because of his circ. Now that I know, I realize why some things in our intimate life are the way they are. I haven't really talked to him about it, but it's started to bother me.

Anyone else struggle with this? How did you move past it?

I know DH struggles w. it. He was an intactivist before we married. His doc took the 'cut as much off as possible' route.









We've talked about restoration a few times but he is not in the place to do that right now.

Our personal relationship is amazing IMO, but I think he has a niggling 'what if' in the back of his mind.


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## craft_media_hero (May 15, 2009)

Yes, I do. Our sex life is great, although sometimes we have issues that I know are related to circumcision, but he has no clue, thinks it's normal (like doing it more forcefully due to his lack of feeling).

I would NEVER tell him that I wish his penis was intact. He is very sensitive about the subject because he knows that I am strongly anti-circ.

The biggest issue we have is that he does not think circ is a big deal/gets personally offended, thinks any anti-circ convo is directed at him and his penis, like I'm saying that his penis isn't "good enough" or something when I'm just talking about the topic in general. He takes any mention of anti-circ as a personal insult. It irritates me because I feel like he should be able to accept his penis (I do!) and still realize that keeping an infant intact is a BETTER choice---when we know better, we do better, kwim?

Anyways, it has been a point of contention whenever I've mentioned that should we have a lil boy in the future, I would never let a doctor unnecessarily remove his foreskin.

This is where I see him grit his teeth, tense up, roll his eyes, whatever. Like, why can't you see that leaving it intact is better, duh? If it ain't broke, don't "fix" it! He's very "standard American" about it, and it really gets to me.

I know that if we had a boy, we would probably argue about it. And I really think that's part of why he wants to avoid having more children---he thinks it's my own "control" issue and I can't wrap my mind around butchering a newborn penis for no reason except outdated Victorian customs.

So yeah, his circumcision does affect our relationship even tho we're not pregnant or anything.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I struggle with the fact that we BOTH had our genitalia cut. (I had an extreme episiotomy which has weakened my pelvic floor.) We're both from the land of the wounded. Remembering that helps me have empathy.


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## benj (Jun 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *perspective* 
haha, its ok, you made sense to me. When comparing the genders, men are usually looked at as the ones with the "simple" genitals, while for women you need some road map to understand.

But I think people dont give credit for how complex the penis really is, and also how "circumcision" is an umbrella term for many different procedures that do different things, none of which are a simple snip.

Combine those misunderstandings together and a lot of people will look take a complex organ, with varied issues and solutions, and instead see a very simple organ with one "simple" surgery that will most likely fix everything.

(I am not saying this was exactly your train of thought).

And this in itself is a whole other head to the monster of culturalized circumcision, a whole other issue that as your case proves can negatively effect even adult males.


I was actually completely unaware of the different types of circumcisions. I mean, I had heard of them---but never looked into them. Like most people, I just thought there was one way to do it and as a result, came out of it not as satisfied as I could have been. I wasn't really prepared for the "drying out" and the sensitive glans rubbing right away. I was too frustrated with my original problems to give that any thought. My girlfriend had reservations about it, but I dismissed them...regret doing that too.


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## Blarg (Oct 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SlackerDad* 
I see a lot of references like these on circ discussion boards. Shouldn't fathers bear an equal amount of blame? Not to mention of course the effect of social norms, particularly in eras and/or locations when circing was/is near universal.

Alan

If one is being rational and logical, yes.

I blamed my mother far more than my father for circing me, so I can relate. I actually had very little anger towards my father about it.

To be honest, I'm not sure why. It's feelings, not logic. I don't pretend that it's justified or rational, because its not. But I've thought about it, and come up with some theories as to why I felt that way.

One is that my dad is circumcised too, so I see him as a victim. It's harder to be angry at someone that I perceive as a fellow victim (even if an unwitting one).

Another is that I think there's a natural tendency to blame those that are exempt from mistreatment, even if it's actually a culture-wide problem. And in this case women are exempt from this form of mistreatment in our culture.
Truth be told, in a lot of ways I actually feel victimized by women for my circ (excepting those that are against circumcision). Is that rational or justified in any way? Absolutely not. But I think it stems from that "exempt" status, and the knowledge that if a woman's genitals were cut, even just a teeny-tiny bit, people would be up in arms.

I get a lot more angry when women defend circ than when men do.

Lastly, I think I feel like my mother was more responsible for protecting me. All that maternal love and "mama bear" stuff. Fathers are seen as less attached to their children than mothers, I think, which makes the "betrayal" of the mother that much more biting. If a stranger chops your arm off, it sucks. If someone you thought was your friend chops your arm off, it's a whole new level of suck.

Again, I must emphasize that I'm not claiming any of this as rational or justified at all. It's not. I'm just trying to offer some possible explanations for why mothers are often blamed more.


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## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

My ex's circumcision ruined our sex life. It was a very tight one, and even with insane amounts of lube, it was very painful for me. I dread the thought of ever being with another cut guy, but not for shallow reasons...just because I don't want a lifetime of painful sex. We women are secondary sufferers of this awful custom.


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## mntnmom (Sep 21, 2006)

Dh has an "incomplete circ" and until a recent conversation with his dad, thought he was intact. Both our boys are intact and FIL was talking about the "problems" they might have later.
I lost a little respect for my in laws. I thought they had bucked social norms to protect DH, to leave him like FIL. And to find out that he was brutalized before his mom ever woke up! MIL is very supportive of not cutting the boys, and FIL knows how stubborn his son can be. Even though minimal damage was done to him, it makes me angry to think of something so awful being allowed!


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## Pirogi (Apr 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PuppyFluffer* 
I also believe that circumcision is a part of influencing/controling people. If you can cause a mother to sever her instinct to protect her child, there isn't much you *can't* get her to believe. I am saying this in a very broad manner, not a specific one. I think convincing parents to circ opens up an avenue for the medical community to have power.

I agree, but I don't think it begins with circumcision. I personally feel that the medical brainwashing and grappling for control begins much earlier, as soon as a woman finds out she is pregnant. Or even before that, when a little girl sees a TV show about a pregnant woman undergoing a very scary birth with lots of machines, equipment, surgical drapes, etc. To me it part of the natural progression resulting from the severance of a woman from unhindered birth. I feel more compassion for people, especially women, who circ if they had a traumatic or very controlled, typical American birth.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Blarg* 

Another is that I think there's a natural tendency to blame those that are exempt from mistreatment, even if it's actually a culture-wide problem. And in this case women are exempt from this form of mistreatment in our culture.
Truth be told, in a lot of ways I actually feel victimized by women for my circ (excepting those that are against circumcision). Is that rational or justified in any way? Absolutely not. But I think it stems from that "exempt" status, and the knowledge that if a woman's genitals were cut, even just a teeny-tiny bit, people would be up in arms.

I get a lot more angry when women defend circ than when men do.


Thank you for your honesty. I wish it had been different for you.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Pirogi, I agree with you completely. I was trying to keep the topic specific to circ...but if you've been seperated from your power in little bits and pieces all along the pregnancy journey, it's all a part of it.


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## robertandenith (Apr 1, 2008)

I have a problem with accepting it... My MIL did nothing regarding researching, my FIL was intact and they still cut his son.







The worse of it, is that I know that he felt pain. I feel bad for him and a bit angry because his parents didn't do the research and decided to follow their doctors directions.... pathetic







:


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## SlackerDad (Jun 25, 2009)

So benj. why _did_ you circ?


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## hibana (Jun 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaylaBeanie* 
My ex's circumcision ruined our sex life. It was a very tight one, and even with insane amounts of lube, it was very painful for me. I dread the thought of ever being with another cut guy, but not for shallow reasons...just because I don't want a lifetime of painful sex. We women are secondary sufferers of this awful custom.

*nod nod*


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## LaffNowCryLater (May 2, 2003)

Yes I do and my DH is actually considering restoring b/c of what research HE has done on it too. He got circd at 16 but it was a very uneducated decision mostly for social reasons (in his head b/c he was still virgin at the time).


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## LaffNowCryLater (May 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KMK_Mama* 
DH was circ'd at the age of 4....they wouldn't do it at birth because he was born premature (at 26 weeks in 1975!) so his mom had it done when she had saved up the money.







Yes, I wish he was intact and so does he. He bought a restoration device and wears it occasionally, but I haven't noticed much difference except that it may be a bit "looser." He hates the device because he says it falls off.....I wish there was an easier way to restore.

Which one did he get, we have one in mind to try but we just haven't ordered it yet.


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## benj (Jun 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SlackerDad* 
So benj. why _did_ you circ?

Wow, a direct question.To fix some problems that I'd rather not go into.


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## mi.birthdoula (Jun 12, 2008)

I also struggle with this issue. Until I started learning so much about the difference of an intact man vs. circ'd man (thanks to MDC), I was completely ignorant about why a lot of things are the way they are in my "personal" relationship with DH. I've only had a truly satisfying experience with him 3 maybe 4 times. I had always thought it was just me, but now that I'm more educated on the function of the foreskin, and I've spent the time looking back at experiences with previous partners, I now know that its not me, but it is the fact that he is circ'd. I never had a problem with the 1 intact man I've come to know, but have constantly had problems with circ'd men. DH is always asking me what my problem is, and it really is hard not to be completely truthful with him, but I know if I am he would most definitely become offended in a severe way. I've been trying to drop hints of restoration, and the function of the foreskin for not only the man but the woman, but who knows if it will ever amount to him actively acting on it. I really wish he would, because I know our relationship could be so much deeper and intimate if we were both to actually ENJOY eachothers company in that respect.


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## lafemmedesfemmes (Nov 16, 2003)

while i don't struggle with my dh's circumcision, and while we do have a satisfying sexual relationship, i do know that i prefer the feel of intact men, and would be totally supportive if my husband decided to try restoration. i don't even know if he knows that the possibility exists, but i wouldn't bring it up unless he were complaining of an issue that restoration would help address. in deciding to not circumcise our sons, dh had no interest in reading any research about the issue, and was happy to frame it solely as a personal preference issue, leaving it up to our sons to decide what they preferred when they were of age.

christina


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mi.birthdoula* 
I also struggle with this issue. Until I started learning so much about the difference of an intact man vs. circ'd man (thanks to MDC), I was completely ignorant about why a lot of things are the way they are in my "personal" relationship with DH. I've only had a truly satisfying experience with him 3 maybe 4 times. I had always thought it was just me, but now that I'm more educated on the function of the foreskin, and I've spent the time looking back at experiences with previous partners, I now know that its not me, but it is the fact that he is circ'd. I never had a problem with the 1 intact man I've come to know, but have constantly had problems with circ'd men. DH is always asking me what my problem is, and it really is hard not to be completely truthful with him, but I know if I am he would most definitely become offended in a severe way. I've been trying to drop hints of restoration, and the function of the foreskin for not only the man but the woman, but who knows if it will ever amount to him actively acting on it. I really wish he would, because I know our relationship could be so much deeper and intimate if we were both to actually ENJOY eachothers company in that respect.

I could have written this as well.

I do wish that my DH wasn't circed, and I was in a previous relationship with an intact man so I know the difference and can appreciate the function of the foreskin in a sexual context. But I don't mention this to DH in any depth. I did try a casual, light remark about restoring one time and he shot it down and said, "No way!" So I know it's a sensitive issue and I'm not going to mention it again.

I often wonder if he has any negative feelings that our son is intact (I was the one who absolutely refused any idea of circing...my whole family tradition is to remain intact). He went along with my decision. But I wonder if it bothers him at all. I don't want to bring it up if it's just going to cause him pain.


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## LadyJade (Jul 20, 2010)

I just had an ah-ha moment about this recently. Only ever been with 2 men, both circed. Was a virgin on my first wedding night and was immediately bewildered and crushingly disappointed with sex. (not that a blushing bride can really confess that to her also virginal husband...) I had waited till marriage and built it up to this huge amazing thing, and then... pain and dryness and bleeding and just not really much pleasure at all. I blamed it on my hormones, I blamed it on the pill, I wondered secretly if I was frigid... even went to a doctor, who for some inexplicable reason took a *biopsy* of my perineum... That was a nice touch. Guess what? It's not CANCER. Really, doc? Thanks for that.

But reading about how the ridge of the circ'd penis basically acts as a squeegee to all a woman's lubricants, and how the circ takes away the man's ability to contribute to lubrication... this all makes total sense. Of course its painful and drying and just... not much fun. It's just been a very lonely and difficult road for me.

And then ah-ha! Restoration!

I was able to mention it casually to DH. CASUAL I think is the key. "Honey, we have to talk about your penis" is not a good opener. I simply said - Did you know you can restore your foreskin? He said, Oh really? That sounds like a pain. I said yes, its a hassle, it sounds like, but its not painful. He said, how does one do this? I said - basically, stretching. They have devices - devices..? he says dubiously - and also manual techniques. He says mmm... manual techniques? (in a pervy tone) would you help me with those? I say yes, absolutely. Its very interesting!

And that's all for now... if the moment's right again... we'll talk some more.









This could be really great for both of us...


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## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

I struggle with it only because I feel it is such a wrong thing to do. Knowing his mom, she probably had no clue there was the option to NOT circ and she was just doing what was expected and therefor 'best.'

However, I don't know what the issues are that can be caused in one's sex life with a circ... could someone enlighten me? I also am not sure how much is too much for a circ and how a bad circ looks or anything. I don't remember the small handful of other penises I've seen... I really only KNOW my husbands. We are both fine with his penis in terms of how it works and such, but I am certainly curious about all the details of a bad circ and problems that can be caused.


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## Fyrestorm (Feb 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treeoflife3* 
I struggle with it only because I feel it is such a wrong thing to do. Knowing his mom, she probably had no clue there was the option to NOT circ and she was just doing what was expected and therefor 'best.'

However, I don't know what the issues are that can be caused in one's sex life with a circ... could someone enlighten me? I also am not sure how much is too much for a circ and how a bad circ looks or anything. I don't remember the small handful of other penises I've seen... I really only KNOW my husbands. We are both fine with his penis in terms of how it works and such, but I am certainly curious about all the details of a bad circ and problems that can be caused.

Check this site


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I feel badly for the baby dh was. It used to make me sad a lot but now I dont think about it much any more unless really though. Dh is OK with how he is but I do think he sometimes wonders what could have been.


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## brant31 (Jan 11, 2009)

Nothing really scientific to add to the discussion, just an idea that stereotypes and legends often have some origin in fact... I was talking with the 2 doctors/medical officers of the CDC in Vienna last month about the unique structure of the foreskin and how an intact penis functions overall (they were both circumcised). One kept saying over and over, "There's no scientific proof that an intact penis functions any differently than a circumcised one! They're the same! They do and feel exactly the same thing!"

I asked him how he could seriously compare an organ with moving parts -- and not just moving parts, but _the most uniquely designed detached superficial skin and specialized nerve system on the entire human body_ -- with one that has been reduced in surface area by 50% at birth and no longer glides?

Then I asked both, humorously, to list the famous male lovers of the world. They said, "Um, probably European lovers and Latin lovers". "What?" I asked. "You mean the country that prides itself on the largest sex industry in the world doesn't even make the list?" I pointed out that European men and South American men are legendary lovers, and enjoyers of love, and almost never circumcised. Where are the Americans? The Arabs? The Victorian British? The most prudish, sex-negative cultures on Earth have traditionally been those that also promote male circumcision. And why not? Sex is less fun, so easier to deny.

There is a reason the Kama Sutra was written in *India* and not *Indiana*.


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## nia82 (May 6, 2008)

MIL didn't know any better and BIL (who I never met, he died in 2003) was never there so he wasn't involved I guess. They told MIL it's standard, better and healthier and she just believes whatever a doctor says.
DH is, or at least thinks he is, happy with his cut state. I don't say anything to him about it, but I look at it and it looks so brutal. I don't think one could restore anything, there is absolutely nothing left. Since I do have a comparison from my previous relationship, a cut penis causes more pain during intercourse, the unprotected rim can really rip at tissues. If I told DH he wouldn't believe it, I'm sure of that. Self-defense and protection mechanisms are deeply ingrained in him, he would never consider that what was done to him was cruel and changed our sex life. He however came to the conclusion that it is unnecessary pain for a baby so none of or sons will ever be cut.


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## nsmomtobe (Aug 22, 2009)

I do. It is just one more factor contributing to the fact that I will never be able have an enjoyable sex life. DH is very sensitive about this topic and I have inadvertently hurt his feelings more than once when discussing it. During one discussion, he seemed open to the idea of restoration but when I sent him some online information on restoring, he got defensive again so we haven't discussed it since.


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## LadyJade (Jul 20, 2010)

Next point I will bring up is loss of sensitivity for him. How rubbing against clothes every day gradually decreases sensitvity over time and its an ongoing process. By the time he reaches 50's or 60's he'll be looking into penis pills and he'll have to get rougher and rougher with me and over the long term, this isn't going anywhere good, for either of us. and that it might take 2 years, but what is two years if it can both make sex mind-blowing now, and potentially extend your sex life by decades? Without embarassing pills?


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## Galatea (Jun 28, 2004)

I struggle with this off and on through the years. I definitely wish dh were not circumcised, but it has been years since I tried to get him to restore, and I may try again. From men who have restored, it seems that they have a hard time imagining what they would gain by restoring since they do not have any of the foreskin sensations. They also have not yet started to experience the decline in function that comes with age.

I may bring this all up to dh again soon, but I don't think he will change his mind. I know he would balk at 1 or more years of wearing a device, but then again, I have been pg 4 times, so I have 3 whole years of body modification under my belt and so don't think it is a big deal!!! I'd gladly wear a foreskin restoration device for 1 year rather than be pg - at least restoration would improve my sex life, rather than hinder it!


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

It always bothered me. Since having Ds it bothers me much, much more. I see Ds and know that Dh was the same age when he was strapped down and hurt. I see that they removed over half of a baby's penis skin. Then when discussing if we would circ ds dh admitted that for much of his life it hurt to get an erection. It kills me that the sweet boy I see photos of was STILL in pain years later from a stupid choice his folks made.

Someday it would be neat if dh would think about restoring.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

I do wish I could talk to DH about restoration. I have been with 2 men, one intact, one cut. DH is the cut one. So I know what intact sex is like







I not-so-affectionately call it dry... um, chicken.


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## LadyJade (Jul 20, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Galatea* 
I know he would balk at 1 or more years of wearing a device, but then again, I have been pg 4 times, so I have 3 whole years of body modification under my belt and so don't think it is a big deal!!! I'd gladly wear a foreskin restoration device for 1 year rather than be pg - at least restoration would improve my sex life, rather than hinder it!

Yes, we go through plenty of pain and inconvenience for our men and our families. Pregnancy is a big one. But I think if I remind him of all the brazillian waxes I've gotten for him - just for a little temporary sex appeal - and that restoration should not even hurt - if it does, apparently you're doing it wrong... and that it has huge benefits for him as well.. and he'd be my hero just for being willing to try... I think this could go well. When the time is right.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

This is actually what helped me make the decision when I was pg with DS, I didn't know if he was a boy or a girl. If DD had been a boy, she may have been circ'd, I really don't know-because *I* didn't know any better.

The biggest reason for me was that DH was one of 7 children and he was the only one who had to stay in the hospital for an extended time due to the fact his circ would not stop bleeding







When pg with DS I had found MDC and read the boards here on circ, I started reading links and realized there was NO WAY I would let my baby have anything like that done to them. I was very scared that something similar could happen and then read about babies who had died due to the same type of complications. Yeah I feel badly for DH, but I also feel badly for his mom, I know in my heart she feels bad about what happened to her son, that he was in fact hurt from this unnecessary surgery. I know my MIL and I know that in her heart she felt like it was the best thing to do for her sons because that's what the medical "norm" was at the time.

I am proud of my DH, he trusted that I knew the best for our son. I was concerned it would be a battle like many women have on this very sensitive subject, but *maybe* it was because he had been traumatized as a small baby and had problems it was an easier decision than for some guys, he didn't want his son to be subjected to that same thing. I mean in reality DH possibly could have died as an infant, I really don't know, but it was enough they wouldn't release him.

I guess I can't feel bad about what could have been because the decision was made so long ago. My DH and I have an enjoyable sex life, so I can't complain about the unknown.


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