# My kid is LAZY.



## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

DS is 6 and it seems like he is just so LAZY. I have to fight with him all the time to get him to do anything at all. When it's time to eat, he'll take one bite, set his fork down, and not pick it up again until I remind him, sometimes repeatedly, to take another bite. Meals have been known to take upwards of an hour, but he FREAKS if you take his food away, even if you give him time limits and repeated warnings. When he's done with something, he just drops it wherever he's standing and wanders off. If there was a sock in the floor and I told him to pick it up, he'd literally look right at it and say he doesn't see it (that's a common thing with him - we can't ask him to get or look at anything because he'll claim not to see it). If I told him to walk to the front door, he'd turn around and walk the opposite direction and claim he misunderstood.

When we try to do homeschooling, if he doesn't feel like doing something (which is basically always) he'll pretty much refuse to do it and say he doesn't know how. Today, he spelled the word tree several times, then started saying "I forget" when it would come up. I'd think it was because he's bored, but a lot of times, he'll do it from the start because he doesn't want to do school in the first place. Things I've seen him do a million times he won't do and claim he doesn't remember how. I can't move forward and teach him new things because I have no idea what he can actually do and what he needs more help with because he claims he can't do ANYTHING! If we read something to him or show him a video, he seems like he's listening, but he can never answer any questions about it after or even tell us what the subject was. It's like he totally spaces out because he knows it's school. DH wants to send him to public school next year because we're tired of fighting with him to finish a single lesson, just to be back at square one the next day. I don't know that he'll be any better in school and I think he'll end up in remedial stuff, just because he won't do anything even if he is capable of it.

Life is a constant battle with him! Unless he's playing by himself or playing video games, it's a fight. I feel like he's just trying to be difficult all the time. Everything I try to get him to do he'll do the opposite or claim he can't, then argue with me about it. I'm at the end of my rope with this kid!


----------



## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

Have you read anything about unschooling? It's pretty great philosophically, and as a teacher it basically undermines my entire profession, but it's actually amazing. It might be right up his alley and at the very least unblock his mental wall to schooling.

There is a forum here on it I think, or at the very least a LOT of mamas who follow this way of thinking on the homeschooling boards.

He also may be physically in need of more protein or something. DS needs, but really NEEDS a protein packed breakfast and snack to be focused and energetic all day. He also makes better choices about food the rest of the day, craving fruit and nuts over cookies and chips.

Just a thought. Have you mentioned it his doctor?


----------



## melissel (Jun 30, 2004)

I agree about mentioning it to his doctor. It sounds more extreme than just laziness. Have you thought about ADHD? It doesn't always involve hyperactivity--there's inattentive type too. Also, many people with gluten intolerance describe pretty extreme brain fog that clears up when the gluten is eliminated. How is he sleeping?

ETA that I forgot to say that people with ADHD can focus on things they find stimulating enough, so the ability to focus on gaming or self-involved play doesn't necessarily rule it out.


----------



## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

I would also talk to the doctor/have him evaluated. this doesn't sound like laziness to me at all.


----------



## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

We don't do well-child visits, plus we just moved, so I don't really have anyone to take him to at the moment. I guess tomorrow I'll start calling around to pediatricians. He fights sleep like crazy some nights, but most nights lays right down. He used to give us a LOT more grief about sleeping. Once he's out he sleeps like the dead.

He also talks nonstop, especially when he's watching something. Like yesterday we were watching Tangled. He would not stop talking and asking questions and I kept having to rewind just to hear what was going on. I kept reminding him that I didn't know, I'd never see the movie, and if he'd stop talking for two seconds he'd know what was going on since he's missing so much that he's talking over. I could tell him to his face to stop talking and he would just take a deep breath and keep going. Or talk under his breath. Or sing. Or whatever.

ETA: The reason I feel like he's just lazy sometimes is when he will look right at something and pretend not to see it rather than bring it to me or pick it up or whatever. And he'll say he doesn't know how to do his work when I know perfectly well he can because I've seen him do it. Or he'll guess at what he thinks the next word in a sentence is so he doesn't actually have to make the effort to read the word.


----------



## WildKingdom (Mar 26, 2008)

He could be having petit mal seizures. They often appear like a child is just "spacing out" for a few seconds. He really needs to see a doctor.


----------



## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *WildKingdom*
> 
> He could be having petit mal seizures. They often appear like a child is just "spacing out" for a few seconds. He really needs to see a doctor.


He doesn't space out at all. He is always responding when I talk, just insisting he doesn't know the answers or he can't see whatever.


----------



## melissel (Jun 30, 2004)

Absence seizures can happen in a matter of seconds. You said he does things like read a word a few times and then suddenly can't read it. Things like that could be a sign. However, it does sound more to me like an ADHD thing. I can walk into a room, do a few things, then walk away. When I come back, I find that I've left food sitting on the counter and every cabinet I touched open. My DD5, who hasn't been diagnosed but whom I strongly suspect has a mild version, has told me in the past that she "feels like a ghost," like the things I say (instructions I give her) pass right through her. She'll stand in the middle of a messy room and tell me it's clean.

Take him to a doctor, and in the meantime, be patient with him and try and help him cope.


----------



## WildKingdom (Mar 26, 2008)

Absence seizures can be just for a couple of seconds, but can happen up to 50 times a day. This often leads to kids missing crucial little bits of information, and appearing to have learning difficulties or trouble following directions.

It's just a thought. No matter what, though, I have trouble writing off a 6 year old as just being "lazy" without a medical evaluation.


----------



## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *minkajane*
> 
> Or he'll guess at what he thinks the next word in a sentence is so he doesn't actually have to make the effort to read the word.


Just to pick up on this example (I know it's not the whole picture) but actually this is a very normal way for 6 year olds to start learning how to read. In fact most adults read this way, too, (by guessing the next word before they read it) and it is how we acquire lexical groupings. It's a perfectly normal part of complex language acquisition and should be encouraged. That one is not laziness; it is developmentally normative. ETA: it is also normal for them to be able to read a word five or six times and then not. I don't know why, but learning to read is not easy, and like learning a new language you can know a word and use it 15 -30 times before you actually internalize it.

DS sometimes says he can't see things right in front of him, too. Boys see the world differently (typically) and actually do not always see details (like a sock in the middle of a room) because they are absorbing all the other things in the room at the same time...just saying.


----------



## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

Medical evaluation is a good starting point here.

I also think your husband has a point about school. Sometimes kids and parents get into power struggles that get in the way of learning. While I wouldn't necessarily use the word lazy, your son does sound kind of oppositional. Sending him to school might help. At the very least, then you would have more people to share the load of educating your son.


----------



## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

It sounds like there are a lot of power struggles going on. I suggest finding ways to take yourself out of the picture. My dd takes an hour to eat because she is just a naturally slow eater. It drives me crazy, but that is the way she is and nagging her to eat bites or take normal bites just builds up my anger. I found that by not engaging in any conversation and just letting her take her time while I went off to do other things I actually helped my dd speed up more once she realized I wasn't going back to the old nagging way. I also found that when I started eating the dessert without waiting for her after half an hour she would finish her food within five minutes and be ready for ice cream. It isn't something that happened overnight because we were both used to the negative attention she got from this, but it happened. When I was homeschooling her we got into the same negative cycle with work so I did the same thing with her work, I made sure she knew how to do the work then I left and let her do it with the knowledge that it needed to get done before she went played with her toys. The first few days it took her an hour to do each task but when I took the battle out of the problem she started doing the work in 15 to 30 minutes without complaining about the work.

There may be something else going on, but for my dd a power struggle with anything is enough to make her slow down or go into refusal mode. When I take myself out of the struggle and just set up basic guidelines without nagging her towards them she actually meets them faster and more willingly than she does if I am in her face reminding her constantly of the task at hand.


----------



## Lakeeffectsnow (Jan 12, 2011)

ADHD? Central auditory processing disorder? Some other kind of processing disorder? I'd find a a doctor and have him assessed. My youngest son has ADHD. Sometimes he will not stopped talking. He misses huge chunks of information simply because he's watching a bee outside the window and he is hyper focused on that while I'm trying to talk about his lesson. If we hadn't know early on that he had ADHD and learned to different ways to cope with him, our lives would be hell. He doesn't respond to me like my other kids. He can be the sweetest, gentlest, and kindest of my kids, but he is also the hardest to deal with day in and day out. We home school, but it only works because we have the tools to deal with him. Get some help, it doesn't sound like it is working for any of you.


----------



## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I strongly recommend the books "The Myth of Laziness" and "A Mind at a Time" by Mel Levine. (I'd probably start with A Mind at a Time.) Learning differences/disorders can seem like laziness. It's a vicious circle actually, because the child gets frustrated, gives up, doesn't try, and then truly looks lazy. If he really is processing things differently, or has attention issues, or trouble sequencing, or poor auditory memory skills or any of a host of other issues, then he needs different teaching strategies. What you're doing isn't working and so it's time for outside help.

So, I would recommend that you do have him assessed as soon as you can find someone, just to help you understand him better. Once you know what's going on, you can figure out if continuing to homeschool is best, or whether he'd better better off in school, or with a tutor, or being unschooled. My kids thrive in school, and I'd be a lousy homeschooler. I've got a good friend with 2 special needs kids who does an amazing job homeschooling them. I'd be hesitant to unschool until you figured out whether he's got some processing issues going on. His inability to find things, or his tendency to space out while eating for example, strikes me as not typical. (Does he have low muscle tone?)

Until then, I'd echo the others: When he's eating, eat your meal, and then go do your thing. If he's still at the table not eating and it takes him an hour, oh well. For schooling, I'd try dividing things into smaller 'chunks' throughout the day and see if you can do it that way. Before you sit down to do schooling, can he do some good 'heavy' work, like jumping on a trampoline (or off the couch) and carrying some heavy things? It might help him focus better.


----------



## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

I can't seem to stop thinking about this thread. The word Lazy is so loaded. I know you don't mean it that way, but it is full of connotations that are, especially in the societies of the Global North, considered socially unacceptable and deviant.

He really doesn't seem to be that different than any other six year old I know, especially one with a father who is, as your sig points out, a gamer. I wouldn't be too quick to slap any labels on him. I might take him for a physio-therapist exam to see how he might be able to (in an ENJOYABLE way) improve his gross and fine motor skills (my DS needs help with these too, but his Gran is an occupational therapist and has given us some great strategies that feel too much like play for DS to realize he is developing any skills, within weeks he was right where his teachers thought he shouold be), but I'd be very wary of fishing for a diagnosis which doctors, especially in the States, are all too happy to dole out. I'd be particularly careful of diagnoses that imply heavily medicating a still growing child with psychotropic drugs. There is nothing you have described, Minkajane, that seems particularly odd or abnormal to me. I know it is hard to get inside the mind of a six year old boy, but as a teacher I have read quite a lot about childhood devlopment, and both physically and educationally your son does NOT sound off the scale of normal.

Kids take a long time to eat. My DS usually takes about an hour to eat his dinner, and he takes breaks in the middle to hug people, to tell a story. Actually when you think about it. it's not only MUCH healthier to eat this way, it is also a very nice time to bond, to s l o w d o w n and talk to your kids about thier day. We used to fight it, now we embrace it and realize it's one of the best times of the day...we just have to be careful to build in the time...I typically get home and start dinner immediately, or ask our housekeeper or DH to throw some stuff in a crockpot for me. It's not to say we never get annoyed but that is MY issue, not his.

Kids space out. Their brains (like their tummies) need more time to disgest information and at this age? They are absorbing information lightening fast and so every now and then they drop out to process. It's totally normal. Most first grade teachers I know build processing time into their daily schedules because kids this age NEED this time to just be quiet and think. FWIW, it is during these moments that DS comes up with some of his most ingeneous ideas. He's not being lazy, he's being reflective. Even if you ask him what he's thinking and he says "nothing" what that really means is EVERYTHING.

Kids do talk incessantly when they are excited about something. Almost every child I know does this, and it is SO frustrating. But they will calm down eventually. And you can't tell me you seriously cared about the movie Tangled (if you did, perhaps try watching it alone first, and then with him -- I do this when I actually want to see the film). It's a kids film. The whole point of you watching a kids film (correct me if I'm wrong) is to BOND with your kid, not to watch a film. Really. It's to share a moment and build a memory, no? So, as gently as I can, I am suggesting you chill out a little and enjoy the talking. He's opening up to you. Let him.

The spotting stuff on the floor is also SUPER irritating, but as far as I can tell, normal, and boys are particularly bad at spotting details (they have more frenetic energy than girls as a general rule) and they see the world from a very different perspective. It's one of the reasons their art work tends to be (and obviously this gender separation is not 100% accurate, it's just tendencies) chaotic and they color out of the lines so much longer than most girls. It's the way they view the world. It helps me if I get down on his level (I forget sometimes that being three feet taller gives me a better vantage point for things) and then if I narrow the viewing circle..."Look between the coffee table and the sofa, do you see it now? No? Look between the sofa and the throw rug, do you see it now?..." and so on. Another thing that has helped has been playing a LOT of "I spy", on the bus, on the sidewalk, in the park, at the supermarket, everywhere! and also those spot the difference games. It's so much fun for him to solve the puzzle and it helps train his eye for detail. remember that grown up have learned to control their retina and focus much more specifically than children.

Lazy is a really unkind word in my point of view, and I gently suggest that you rephrase and reshape your perspective on your son and consider that he is just six and may see the world in a different way from you.

ETA: I also just noticed that you are near the end of your pregnancy...this may be affecting your patience levels and he might be resisting you in fear of the coming baby...he may be testing your rejection tolerance to see if this baby is going to replace him or make less time and less love for him. You may want to address thyis emotional fear before you push too hard on finding out "what's wrong with him?" Kids will internalize these feelings, especially if they sense that baby is obviously accepted and happily so by the family. They may not even realize they feel anxiety about it, but if you think about it, anxiety must be inevitable. This is HUGE life change for him, I think you should tread gently and allow him to express this fear how he needs to.


----------



## chaimom (Aug 22, 2007)

I came back to this post, too. Your descriptions of your son sound a lot like one of my boys at age 6. I knew he was smart and couldn't figure out why he refused to do homework, and would know something one minute and not the next. He "refused" to learn to tell time or even to tie his shoes until 2nd grade. My son was considered lazy by his teachers at 6 because he would do everything to get out of reading and writing.

Turns out, my poor son has dyslexia. Reading and writing were SO OVERWHELMING to him because he was not being taught in a way that he could learn. Can you imagine being told to do homework-- oh, and by the way-- do it in a foreign language. That's what it was like for him. Thank God I didn't listen to his teacher and finally had him privately evaluated at the beginning of 2nd grade.

It has been a HUGE relief to know what's going on. And to know what methods of teaching will help him.

I also agree that LAZY is a loaded word--- especially for such a young kid. I think you should look for what ELSE is going on with him. Off the top of my head, there could be Executive Function issues (which means he has trouble figuring out what order to do things in), he could have Sensory Issues, ADD, ADHD or any number of things. My BIL, for instance, used to battle his son at ages 2,3 4 & 5 over mealtime because the kid just would not use a utensil. Turns out he has severe executive function and sensory issues-- my nephew's brain couldn't efficiently tell him how to pick up a fork, aim it at the food, pick up the food, open his mouth, move the fork in, close his mouth, etc. But his parents battled him over food for YEARS because they thought he was lazy. They literally took away his dinner because he wouldn't use a fork, and he went to bed hungry. My BIL felt like a giant ass (which he was) once he found out he'd been torturing his son over something his little guy had absolutely no control over. OT has solved the problem and mended the relationship issue that developed as a result.

There's another thing to consider before labeling your son lazy. Maybe you're not parenting him effectively. Any chance you're contributing to his issues in some way? Do you yell too much so he turns you off? Have you created an environment where if he rebels enough he gets his way? I don't know. But maybe it's not just your son's issue.

I urge you to have your son evaluated by a professional to see if there's something going on. At the same time, I think you should ask yourself if there's a more effective way to parent him. Would a reward chart get him on track? What else would motivate him? How about asking him? My son is tutored before school 3x week because of his dyslexia. It is a grind. He promised not to complain and to do his best if, after he moves up 10 levels in his tutoring, he gets a long board. It took 6 months, but he's about to meet his goal and I'm getting him a long board. He has rarely complained and he deserves it.

Best of luck.


----------



## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

I've got ADHD. There are things sitting on my floor/counters/wherever that I KNOW are there, and that I want to clean up, but I haven't touched them in weeks. Sometimes longer.


----------



## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Polliwog*
> 
> I've got ADHD. There are things sitting on my floor/counters/wherever that I KNOW are there, and that I want to clean up, but I haven't touched them in weeks. Sometimes longer.


hmmmmm, I do not have ADHD and I have things sitting on my floors and counters etc that I KNOW are there and I keep meaning to clean up but have not touched for weeks or even months. What does it mean? I'm like the opposite of OCD for everything but my work space.


----------



## Astrogirl (Oct 23, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *hakeber*
> 
> hmmmmm, I do not have ADHD and I have things sitting on my floors and counters etc that I KNOW are there and I keep meaning to clean up but have not touched for weeks or even months. What does it mean? I'm like the opposite of OCD for everything but my work space.


Rather than be tempted to find another acronym or 'ism' to throw around, I might wager you are similar to me and just find comfort in having things that way. You keep your workspace clean because its essential, but the other stuff? you like having it around, thats all.  Not everything is a disorder. Or everything is a disorder, depending on your philosphy and semantics. :lol:

to the OP: your child could be hypotonic. I was at a child and my younger DD is also. In other to combat it, we both need tonnes of sports to keep us active, because once we stop and slip back into the lazy zone, it takes a big kick in the ass to get us going again. I also used to stop mid-meal and not want to pick up my fork and chew anymore because i just would all of a sudden get super tired from it, like i couldnt get my muscles to reflex anymore.


----------



## Jennifer Z (Sep 15, 2002)

I also think an eval would be well worth the time. There are some flags that could be anything from Auditory processing disorders, visual processing disorders, ADHD, and seizure activity, and that is just based on my circle of friends and the combined experience of being around our kids. A developmental pediatrician would be a good next step. Evals with a speech therapist (for auditory processing, dyslexia, or phonological awareness issues) and an Occupational therapist for sensory issues would be good to have too. The ST especially. Some of the phonological awareness and auditory processing stuff can be pretty invisible if you don't know what you are looking for, but can have a massive impact on behavior. (for that matter, so can sensory and low tone issues...once you are familiar with it, you won't believe you missed it, but until you understand it, you just can't see it) It could be as simple as sleep apnea or other things causing a lack of sleep, which interferes with concentration, fatigue and behavior.

If you are homeschooling then you really need to be proactive with this. We homeschool our oldest, who has very significant special needs. Between my two kids, one with Autism, one with much less severe SNs (significant lack of phonological awareness & mild auditory processing issues), we spend 4 days a week in various therapies, sometimes multiple therapies a day.

If you do want to continue to homeschool, you are going to have to make it more structured. Kids who have the kinds of struggles that you are describing need a lot more structure, including things like visual schedules and other visual supports (if they are pre or early reading especially), or their anxiety becomes so high they aren't able to take in new information. You don't want all of their energy used up on just trying to figure out what you expect, with nothing left over to tackle the actual subject at hand.

Hang in there. It is frustrating when you realize things aren't working "like they are supposed to". Knowledge is power though, and getting some outside help as you learn to understand what is going on is critical to helping your child succeed. It will benefit both you and them in the long run.


----------



## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I would second, third, fourth? getting him in to see a doctor. The fact that you have to remind him to take another bite, even though it sounds like he's hungry sets off alarm bells that this is more than just laziness.


----------



## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

I would put in another vote for getting him evaluated, just because all of this stuff sounds like SOMETHING is going on between stimuli from the outside world and reception and processing in his brain. Whatever is going on, ADHD, sensory processing disorder, dyslexia, nearsightedness, seizures, something else, if you know what it is, you can address it with nutrition, therapy, or pharmaceuticals and help him learn to compensate so that he can get tasks of daily living and schooling accomplished.

I would also suggest that you consider putting him into a regular school for the following reasons:

1. If he does have learning disabilities or special needs of some sort, you will have access to experts and one-on-one help at school or through the district who can fine-tune their teaching for his specific needs.

2. homeschooling him sounds stressful for you, especially with a new baby on the way, and this might be a task better shared by a larger number of people.

3. If he does have something else going on that affects how he relates to people, another thing he's going to have to figure out is how to interact successfully with other human beings. And school is a major training ground for figuring out how to socalize.


----------



## Subhuti (Feb 18, 2005)

My gut sense is that you need to give him more space and back off. If you want to tame a wild horse, give him a lot of space. Don't create a barrier for him to push against or something to run away from. Let him run and circle until he tires of it ... And is ready to come to you.

I would, to rule out something unknown, get a medical evaluation, perhaps a reading evaluation.

But I would leave him be at meals. I would be thinking about removing yourself from his education, for now.

You are not a bad mama, but if feels like you guys are in an unhealthy dynamic and need to switch things up. It happens to us all.


----------



## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:


> I would also suggest that you consider putting him into a regular school for the following reasons:
> 
> 1. If he does have learning disabilities or special needs of some sort, you will have access to experts and one-on-one help at school or through the district who can fine-tune their teaching for his specific needs.
> 
> ...


while these are only opinions they come across as inaccurate and damaging---IMO

please consider carefully before making you decision

it is very false to believe your child is better off being in school at this time- with all the stress that he is to expect in the coming months with a new sibling it may be not the correct fit and might only lead him to feel more effected by the siblings arrival

it is false -in many district it is not the case that the child will get one on one attention and YES homeschool children to get services

if you have a local group of homeschooler reach out to them and also seek out the section here-others can help-please look into local homeschool groups to give you breaks with activities

if is extremely misleading to ever feel that a child would, could or even should receive socialization in a "school" type setting-many misinformed believe this when it is far from the truth about homeschoolers----schools are not the major training grounds that all parents welcome, far from it

labels can cause so many issue themselves, be it lazy or ADHD, etc

there is a lot on your child's plate and many posters have given your good information, take it slow and by all means don't rush into another situation that might cause your child more stress


----------



## Disco Infiltrator (Jul 28, 2008)

you could go down the path of diagnosis if you want, but it sounds to me like he could be within the range of normal. Many children don't read until they are 8 or 9. I believe the Waldorf approach to education doesn't teach reading until 7 or older. We start teaching reading quite early so those who truly aren't ready struggle and end up diagnosed and labeled. Boys develop slower than girls and have high rates of ADHD diagnoses because their focus makes them less able to sit for lessons.

I also have to tell you that my son, who is only four, can't see a damn thing. He'll ask me where a toy is that's right in front of him and I'll point it out and he'll still be totally unable to see it.

It's pretty clear that what you're doing is not working. Maybe it's him, maybe it's that you need to evaluate your own expectations of him. Probably a combo of both. I know that when I am most off from my son is when my expectations of him are entirely inappropriate. That's when we end up fighting. Then I figure out that he can't do what I want, dial my expectations down, and we're back to happy.

Someone mentioned unschooling, maybe even radical unschooling. Check it out! It's the most awesome thing on earth and it would take a lot of the pressure off of both you and him. If he eats one bite of food, he eats a bite of food. You can stop nagging him about reading. He can just be present and you can be present with him. It's all about the relationship and that kids are natural learners. If you decide to do this, expect your son to be very imbalanced because you're taking off the reins, will probably game all of the time, but he'll find what makes him tick and you'll find that as well. I just think what you're describing is very behavioral and volitional, and he's only a six year old kid. He should be having fun and enjoying life, not fighting with his mom, and you should be enjoying him as well.

Congrats on your April baby. DS is an April baby and it was awesome to have a little one in the spring/summer.


----------



## chaimom (Aug 22, 2007)

I posted earlier about my son with dyslexia and I have to agree with the recent poster that public schools generally do not have the resources to help if her child is mildly learning disabiled. If OP's son does have a learning disability like dyslexia, she'll need a private tutor to help her deal with it, as schools are generally very poorly equipped to intervene. In fact, we're trying to figure out if there's a way to homeschool my son part time so that he gets to be at school with his buddies during "specials" like PE and music and art, and we'll have tutors help him learn "his way" in reading, writing and math.

Regarding kids not learning to read until 8 or 9. Um. No. Wow. Kids read well before then. My 4-year-old daughter can read. Any 8-year-old who cannot read should have a learning evaluation to find out what the problem is. It might be lack of instruction, but more like there is a learning issue.


----------



## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *chaimom*
> 
> Regarding kids not learning to read until 8 or 9. Um. No. Wow. Kids read well before then. My 4-year-old daughter can read. Any 8-year-old who cannot read should have a learning evaluation to find out what the problem is. It might be lack of instruction, but more like there is a learning issue.


Just because some kids CAN read before the age of 8 doesn't mean there is not a healthy range of normal that extends as far as that. (I started reading when I was 3.5 but DH didn't start until he was about 7 or 8, miraculously we both read at the same level today, despite alack of learning ability evaluations of DH or any tutoring...that's just the way things were then) An 8 year old who does not read and is being unschooled or schooled in another system of education not quite so obsessed with making kids independent learners at ever younger ages, may very well not have reached the point where he or she is readyy,and that's okay and not at all something to worry about. Honestly. Some school systems around the world (in very productive and wealthy countries I might add) do not being formal education at all until the age of 7 or 8 and their kids learn to read and write as well as any third grader in the US does, by the end of their first year. It's really not as scandalous as you think.


----------



## Disco Infiltrator (Jul 28, 2008)

I should clarify. Most kids are in the school system and are pushed to read early. Those who would have learned to read early do fine. Those who are not ready end up diagnosed with learning disabilities, ADHD, struggling, and it destroys their potential to love reading. Left alone they may not read until a later age. These are often boys.

I think it's great that your daughter reads at age four, but my son doesn't, and I don't care because his interests lie elsewhere. If the original poster has a child who isn't ready to read and she's trying to teach reading, it may be a huge part of their problem. It's totally developmentally okay if he doesn't learn to read at age six, or seven, or eight. Most who read later will catch up quite quickly. So it's not really an "um. no. wow." moment. The sad thing is that if you have a kid who is reading later responses like "um. no. wow." just make you feel like even more of a freak and increases your anxiety when it's totally unnecessary.


----------



## melissel (Jun 30, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *serenbat*
> 
> while these are only opinions they come across as inaccurate and damaging---IMO
> 
> ...


I agree, and thank you for saying that so well.


----------



## Chicky2 (May 29, 2002)

My son didn't start really reading until this last year--he is 10.5. That's totally normal FOR HIM. He also couldn't see that silly sock on the floor when he was 6 either, and sometimes still can't. And he is the slowest eater on the planet, unless it's tacos, and he's sooo not picky. It's just him, and yes, it can drive me batty! I would suggest starting w/backing off on reading/school in general. As was suggested earlier, try enjoying the talking, or maybe even set a time when he can do all the talking he wants, say, until the timer goes off. Maybe that will help both of you. It seems that maybe you have expectations that are exceeding your son's capabilities at the moment. Just like when a toddler has expectations that exceed his abilities, he will tantrum. Sounds maybe like what is going on with you? Not trying to knock your parenting at all, but yeah, relax some. And I know from experience that being in your last stretch of pregnancy will make your patience level drop tremendously. I totally agree that the word lazy is loaded, esp. with a child so young.


----------



## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I agree that not reading well at age 6 is not necessarily a concern. I think the conventional wisdom is that kids usually read by age 7 (and sure, many read long before that, but this skill is NOT a bell curve). I would not be blase about an 8 or 9 year old not reading.

But, having to remind him to take a bite when he is hungry - that does not sound normal to me. I would be concerned about that. And, like others have said, not from a "gee, he's lazy" standpoint, but a "gosh, maybe he needs some help" standpoint. PPs have already mentioned the possibilities that popped in my head, including hypotonia.

Looking right at something and not seeing it - yeah, that could be a lie, but that would not be my first conclusion.

I think your kid is having a tough time and may need some help.


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

The only issue I see here is that there are some battles going on. You don't have to battle with a child. It really sounds like he's winning. Why not take yourself out of the battle and eliminate it altogether? I like the poster who explained how she left her daughter alone and carried on without her and her daughter caught up and wanted dessert too. If you get into a battle with your child, your child will probably care more about winning than you will, especially if he's as smart as your boy sounds. I don't think theres anything "wrong" with him or that he needs to be sent off somewhere to be broken in and shaped into a school child mold. I think the two of you could use a break from each other sometimes, though. Is he like this with anyone else or is it just the interactions between the two of you? Kids do strange things sometimes and he seems to have found a pattern of behavior with you that makes him feel in control.

*"I have to fight with him all the time to get him to do anything at all."* Why are you fighting with him? Why is it so important that you make him do what you want him to do? What is the goal of giving him instructions? I understand there are certain situations where he must listen like he can't run into the road or majorly disturb other people in public spaces, and things like that. But at home, is it possible to give him responsibilities and ask him how he would go about accomplishing them instead of battling for obedience? Since he doesn't even seem to know how to locate the sock, back up a bit. Ask him to look at the floor with you. Describe how it has some things on it. Ask him to identify the things he sees on the floor. Ask him to identify the things on the floor that do not belong. Ask him what he might do with things that do not belong. What is another place to put the things on the floor that do not belong? An interaction like that will teach him to be tidy without a power struggle. Assume he wants to do well and he wants to learn. I'm sure he does. He's smart enough to have learned the powerful feeling of saying no to you, of telling you he can't, of feeling your big reaction of pushing the issue and turning it into a fight with him.

*"Life is a constant battle with him! Unless he's playing by himself or playing video games, it's a fight. I feel like he's just trying to be difficult all the time. Everything I try to get him to do he'll do the opposite or claim he can't, then argue with me about it. I'm at the end of my rope with this kid!"*

Don't battle with him! You can let go of the rope. It's ok to back up and let him find some of his own autonomy. He might feel like he's getting to be a big boy now with a baby on the way and he might be ready to act more independently if you let him. If you aren't involved in a battle with him than you don't have to make sure to win. You just distract, divert, move on to something else, approach it from a different angle - DIFFUSE IT.

He reminds me a lot of my very intelligent, very stubborn, very determined daughter who always wants to be in control. She's definitely a challenge for me!


----------



## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kavamamakava*
> 
> The only issue I see here is that there are some battles going on. You don't have to battle with a child. It really sounds like he's winning. Why not take yourself out of the battle and eliminate it altogether? I like the poster who explained how she left her daughter alone and carried on without her and her daughter caught up and wanted dessert too. If you get into a battle with your child, your child will probably care more about winning than you will, especially if he's as smart as your boy sounds. I don't think theres anything "wrong" with him or that he needs to be sent off somewhere to be broken in and shaped into a school child mold. I think the two of you could use a break from each other sometimes, though. Is he like this with anyone else or is it just the interactions between the two of you? Kids do strange things sometimes and he seems to have found a pattern of behavior with you that makes him feel in control.
> 
> ...


I generally agree with the wisdom in this post. However, I'm really really getting annoyed by the anti-school messages in not only this post, but a few others upthread.

I don't know if sending the OP's little boy to school is a good idea or not. As homeschooling is going *now*, I do agree with PPs that it's not working and school could, possibly, be one solution the OP might want to consider, among the myriad other solutions people have offered.

My child goes to school and he wasn't "sent off somewhere to be broken in and shaped into a school child mold." I mean, what is a "school child mold" anyway? Are all children in school "broken" mindless automatons as this post suggests? I don't think so, any more than homeschooled kids are unsocialized freaks. Both are untrue tropes thrown around in the completely pointless debate about homeschooling vs traditional schooling.

Let's stop that debate in this thread right now. It's not what the OP was asking about and it's pretty offensive.


----------



## JulianneW (Dec 17, 2010)

It sounds like you need a break from each other.

I am not here to debate public, private or homeschool. Every type of school has its place and works well for some children. I can tell you my personal experience. I attended private school until I was 7, then we moved and my mom home schooled me. My parents put me in public school when I was 11, it was the best thing they could have done for *ME*. (Picture a child pushing the couch around the house, throwing large heavy objects at her siblings, throwing temper tantrums). I was miserable (my sibling say I was crazy) and my parents were desperate. My mother and older sibling  will testify that once my parents put me in school I did a complete 180 and was the sweet girl I used to be. Obviously every child is different. Being in that school setting was what *I* needed. I needed the time away from home, it allowed me to socially interact with others and be accountable to my teachers for my school work. My relationship with my parents and siblings dramatically improved because I was no longer fighting everyone. I thrived in the public school environment, some children do not. From my personal experience I would give school a try, if things do not improve or further deteriorate you can always pull him out.

Best of luck! I am sure you will figure out what works best for both of *you*!


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *DariusMom*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


My response to that was in the vein of the power struggle. My children all attend public school although I would homeschool them if I thought we would do well at it. I was homeschooled as a child and loved it. I remember one year I spent doing community theater and being a mother's helper to a neighbor and working through 3 grades of Saxon math books. I also read tons of books. I was 8 years old. The solution here is not to send this child to someone to learn obedience - that's not what school is for. I think you are reading more into my comments than I have intended.


----------



## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kavamamakava*
> 
> My response to that was in the vein of the power struggle. My children all attend public school although I would homeschool them if I thought we would do well at it. I was homeschooled as a child and loved it. I remember one year I spent doing community theater and being a mother's helper to a neighbor and working through 3 grades of Saxon math books. I also read tons of books. I was 8 years old. The solution here is not to send this child to someone to learn obedience - that's not what school is for. I think you are reading more into my comments than I have intended.


glad to hear it! It's just that"sent off to be broken" and "school child mold" are pretty evocative, and not in a positive way! I'm not sure how they could have been interpreted in any other way than negatively. At any rate, as I said in my posting above, I completely agreed with most of what you had to say . . just not the loaded language about sending kids to school.


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *DariusMom*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I suppose my wording could have been better crafted, but the point I was trying to illustrate is that this is a power struggle and the option of sending the child to school as part of the power struggle gave me the impression that school is being used as obedience training. I don't think that is the purpose of school although there is some element of uniformity and compliance at school even if that's not the primary focus. They have a lot of children and one adult so they do expect certain behaviors in the interest of getting things done in the classroom. From my reading of the first and subsequent posts, it seemed the desire was to have a kid who followed directions the first time around and did what he was told and went along with instruction with full attention and without being contrary. If this is not happening at home and the solution is to send the child to school in order for him to be taught this behavior, then it follows that school must be a place for breaking bad behavior and molding children into a certain type of student. I don't agree! I was only trying to illustrate how the solution of school was actually continuing the power struggle and likely wouldn't solve the interactions at home in the long run anyway.

I think this child sounds really cute and funny but BORED! And I think the mama loves him and is likely a bit stressed and anxious with the end of pregnancy and impending baby's arrival. From the descriptions of him it doesn't sound like he has seizures or ADHD or some other syndrome or disorder - but what do I know? I can only go by what I'm reading here. I think he needs to be given some responsibilities and autonomy. If there are some lagging skills or other underlying problems that are causing this behavior, then maybe this will help http://www.livesinthebalance.org/whats-your-explanation (or even if there aren't)


----------



## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Disco Infiltrator*
> 
> you could go down the path of diagnosis if you want, but it sounds to me like he could be within the range of normal.


Quote:



> Originally Posted by *kavamamakava*
> 
> The only issue I see here is that there are some battles going on. You don't have to battle with a child. It really sounds like he's winning. Why not take yourself out of the battle and eliminate it altogether? I like the poster who explained how she left her daughter alone and carried on without her and her daughter caught up and wanted dessert too. If you get into a battle with your child, your child will probably care more about winning than you will, especially if he's as smart as your boy sounds. I don't think theres anything "wrong" with him or that he needs to be sent off somewhere to be broken in and shaped into a school child mold


Yes, the reading part could be, but the combination of struggling to complete school work (getting it sometimes and not getting it other times) + the fact that he seems to get really tired while doing simple things like eating make me wonder if there's some underlying physical cause. Hypotonia, for example, can be treated (it requires a lot of regular, physical exercise). Knowing what's going on with this child might help his mom parent him better. If mom knows there aren't physical/neurological issues, then yes, it's a power struggle. But I've seen too many parents spend a couple of years fighting with their child, finally get a diagnosis and go "Oh, so s/he wasn't just lazy/stubborn/whatever." And those couple of years of assuming it was the child's 'fault' did damage to the relationship, and to the child's self esteem.

Our son has some very mild special needs (sensory). Because of those, he has not been able to learn to swim (he can't bring himself to put his face in the water, the sense of floating freaks him out because his vestibular senses are poor and he can't figure out where his body is or what it's going to do.) My brother has very similar issues, and I distinctly remember how frustrated my parents were with him and how he was often accused of not trying. It wasn't that he didn't want to try, it's that his body went into full panic mode when he was in the water. He couldn't try. Because I know my son can't try (at least right now, as he gets older, it gets better), we avoid that power struggle altogether. I still don't know the best way to teach him to swim, but I know that forcing swimming lessons right now is pointless.

So, before declaring this a power struggle, I'd want to know if indeed there was something going on that makes it hard for this child. But jumping to the conclusion that your child is lazy or that you as a parent are making this a huge power struggle, maybe looking for other causes makes sense.

Personally, I'd wait until after the baby is born, and the family has readjusted to let mom's hormones and son's reaction to a new sibling work themselves out. But if the problems persist, yes, I would recommend a medical evaluation.


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

My son is diagnosed on the Autism spectrum so, believe me, I know what it's like to parent a child with special needs. I firmly believe that children do well if they can.


----------



## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

To be honest he sounds alot like my 5yo! LOL!

She too is unable to see the thing she is stood ON, she too talks incessantly, she too needs reminding/redirecting 38billion times in every task or she will get distracted/stop. She too can focus incredibly well in something like an online game (which she very very rarely plays) and not at all on doing something like active learning.

To be honest i am very careful which hill i pick to die on. Like i NEVER remind her to eat the food in front of her, i just ask that she asks before she leaves the table at mealtimes and say "when you've finished eating" if she asks after one bite and a long pause. I don't try to actively teach her. She is just beginning to read and write, and she too will write a word one day and then throw a fit the next and insist she doesn't know how (when her dad asks her too - he is big on testing and performing), all her progress has been in her own time on her own terms. A "lesson" for her might literally be me saying "look how the beads fell when the baby dropped them, they look like a "M"". That's her lesson in reading for the DAY! Her dad will sit down with her and try to teach letters for 40minutes and she just switches off/gets upset/gets destructive. She learns most with a tiny bit of teaching and a lot of absorption time!

We are not planning on homeschooling, she's enrolled to begin at the local primary school in August. Honestly i think it will be really good for her because she is VERY social, and needs a lot more social interaction and play than i am able to provide, and because she lacks the focus to be actively learning a thing for 40minutes she will actually do better where she's sharing the teacher with 17 other kids and has a good bit of free-wheeling task-time to get to grips. I foresee problems with completing tasks in class, i plan to work on it at home with her (i had the same problem!). Obviously if school doesn't work out for her we'll revisit it. I don't see it so much as a discipline thing, but i DO think the relationship one has with a parent is (and to me SHOULD BE) different to that which one has with a teacher. I think it will enrich DD's life experience to have teachers in her life who aren't her parents.

By all means get him evaluated if you want to, but if it were me i think i'd give NOT telling him to eat/micromanaging (for GREAT want of a better term, i KNOW how it is with a kid like this!) what he does and just try to let the fighting stop.


----------



## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LynnS6*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


I understand how getting a disgnosis could help a mom come to terms and stop negatively labelling the child, but it seems to me to just be replacing one label with another...I guess the point for me is...stop forcing your kids to do stuff they are not interested in. Why do you need a label to not fight with your kids over reading or swimming or eating or whatever? I've never had a productive argument with my child. I have never won an argument with my child. His vision of the world can be summed up with the quote: "I reject your reality and substitute my own."

Instead of getting mad, I try to get creative.

Obviously, if a diagnosis helps you find strategies to do that, then fantastic, but labels can come back to haunt a child, so unless something is really glaringly awful, I'd probably start with diffusing the struggle, and THEN go in for a medical evaluation.


----------



## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

Just wanted to give a bit of an update - we made a doctor's appointment today for a checkup, showed up, and got told we couldn't be seen because we don't vax. Great. Guess it doesn't matter anyway, because the nurse checked my insurance and even though I was told it was good till the end of the month, it's canceled. So we're SOL until we can get our new insurance set up here.

We've had a few pretty good days in a row. Some tough moments, but overall decent days. He's been happily doing his schoolwork, actually retaining things we teach him, and even eating well. I don't know what's changed, but I'm not complaining! We got some new school supplies today that he's really excited about, so hopefully we have another good day tomorrow too. Something that seems to have helped is that we've started doing week-long units and connecting all of our activities to the same theme. Last week it was George Washington and this week it's farms. Totally random units, but he likes them.

One thing we're still having trouble with is that he seems to get REALLY cranky when we try to do stuff with him. Like yesterday we took him to the park for an hour because he'd done his school stuff so well and he whined about everything the rest of the night. He does that a lot and it really makes us not want to take him places because he gets so cranky and mean after.

Thanks for all the input from everyone. Here's hoping things continue to get better.


----------



## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

*Instead of getting mad, I try to get creative. *

YES YES YES. Like when I feel like yelling at my kids out of frustration, my sister taught me to lower my voice instead. I'll grrr and then talk in a low voice and they know that means business but I'm not an out of control screaming banshee, either. Kind of reminds me of how it's better to mooo like a cow during labor than it is to yell that it hurts.

It sounds like posting about things was the magic that was needed, minkajane. I've had that happen when my baby wouldn't nap or started biting while nursing. Completely frustrated, I'd get online to post about it and then, whaddya know baby magically stops after I post about it.

My 6 year old tends to vent a lot, too. She followed me through the grocery store today whining about everything. I pointed out to her that she could choose a happy reality instead and talk about things she likes instead of things she doesn't, she'd have more fun. Luckily she changed her tune because I was feeling harried and stressed just from listening to her.


----------



## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *minkajane*
> 
> Just wanted to give a bit of an update - we made a doctor's appointment today for a checkup, showed up, and got told we couldn't be seen because we don't vax. Great. Guess it doesn't matter anyway, because the nurse checked my insurance and even though I was told it was good till the end of the month, it's canceled. So we're SOL until we can get our new insurance set up here.
> 
> ...


I like the idea of a unit of inquiry. This is a good way for kids to make links and seethe value/purpose what they are doing beyond the gold stars and A+s. (Not that you do that at home, but it's basically what we do in schools is all)

DS gets cranky after doing something fun. I try to remind DH who gets personally offended by it that it is not a negative thing, he is not being ungrateful (which is what it feels like) but rather exressing his disappointment that life is now going back to normal. Come to think of it, it got particularly bad right before and right after the baby came...now, after the first year he has settled down a lot. It also helps to make sure that park outings and other adventures always include a snack. Maybe (for my DS I mean...just processing as I type) it's that it was such a fun escape from the everyday, that it feels really hard to go back to the reality of being a big brother, with big responsibilities, and big chores and big...everything. It was just so nice to be free and little and the only important one that going back is like a little heart breaking...Good to have done the outing, but hard to readjust. It really does get better though. The whininess won't last forever, especially if the outings are not infrequent or only linked to "good" behavior or schooling achievments. When he learns to trust that he can go again tomorrow, or the next day...this was one thing I think helped DS to remind him that we can go again tomorrow, or any day at all.

I am SO sorry to hear you are without insurance and that the clinics are not being helpful. The healthcare in the US is just abysmal without private care. I hope you get what you need, soon. That must be very scary to be expecting a little one and not have medical insurance there...no wonder everyone is a little on edge at home.









I hope things keep getting better with your DS!

Have you tried the high protein breakfast thing? wait...was that this thread?


----------



## minkajane (Jun 5, 2005)

I guess I spoke too soon. Today has been a total NIGHTMARE. He keeps whining about every single thing. We started using the new books that we got him. He was oh-so-excited to use them, until it came to actually DOING something. He starts slumping over sideways, rolling on the floor, saying he can't do it, he's hungry, he has to pee, whatever. And this is after less than 5 minutes. It's not like I'm trying to get him to work for hours on end! The only thing we've gotten accomplished today was a set of 10 math problems that involved nothing more complicated than coloring circles. And even that had to be done in two sessions because he started whining and rolling on the floor halfway through. He uses one of those tables where you sit on the floor and it goes over your lap, so he's constantly laying down and rolling around instead of sitting up where he can see his book. He does it when he's standing too - if I try to talk to him, he'll lean against the nearest surface and start slumping down. If we're sitting on the couch together, he ends up slumped away from me so he can't see the book.

I've tried various types of activities to keep him interested - hands-on, drawing, videos, reading, whatever, it all ends the same way.

ETA: The kid's just trying to prove me wrong now, LOL. He's been in a great mood for the last 90 minutes and has been gladly doing any schoolwork I ask him to do. Gotta appreciate what you can get, right?


----------



## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

It sounds like a classic case of a child-parent power struggle. He's demonstrating his own power by showing that you can't make him do stuff. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but a lot of the time these issues are dramatically less severe with other adults. He knows you're a safe adult who loves him unconditionally, so he feels really comfortable acting out with you.

He might act that way in school with a teacher as well, which is why I would never recommend school to a parent who had posted your exact problem in the homeschooling forum. But since this is the childhood forum, I hope I won't offend you if I say that he might be much more academically productive with an unfamiliar adult as a teacher and peers around to model learning behavior.


----------



## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *stik*
> 
> It sounds like a classic case of a child-parent power struggle. He's demonstrating his own power by showing that you can't make him do stuff. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but a lot of the time these issues are dramatically less severe with other adults. He knows you're a safe adult who loves him unconditionally, so he feels really comfortable acting out with you.
> 
> He might act that way in school with a teacher as well, which is why I would never recommend school to a parent who had posted your exact problem in the homeschooling forum. But since this is the childhood forum, I hope I won't offend you if I say that he might be much more academically productive with an unfamiliar adult as a teacher and peers around to model learning behavior.


Wow - this is *exactly* what I was thinking and was about to post!

Along those lines... is he involved in any kind of "extracurricular" (ie. not with you) classes? Music, dance, swimming, sports, anything like that? If so I'd look at his behaviour in that environment. If he acts much the same way as he does at home I'd be thinking along the lines of some of the medical/SN issues that pps have suggested. If none of the "problematic" at-home behaviours go on in an away-from-home setting (or are greatly reduced) then I'd be inclined to chalk this up as more of a power struggle issue (perhaps coupled with boredom and/or craving more social time).

As for the behaviour post-outings it could be a matter of over-stimulation, disappointment at the ending of the outing, hunger or tiredness. Do you notice a difference at different times of day (ex. he does fine on outings earlier in the day, but if it's closer to bedtime he is more tired and gets more cranky)?


----------



## frugalmum (Nov 5, 2009)

A couple of my kids are similar. You have to find something he *does* care about and take it away until he decides to be more cooperative and motivated. Tell him the minimum he is expected to do (help clean up, homeschool lessons etc) and don't let him near video games (or whatever it is he does care about) until those things are done --without whining or giving you a hard time. VG have to be "earned" on a daily basis in my house by helping out with household chores and completing homeschool. Anyone who refuses, doesn't play VG or watch TV (which they're not allowed to do until 4pm on weekdays). This worked really well with my kids, I hardly ever get an attitude from them and they are great with helping out.

Sending him to school could just turn into another battle, dragging him out of bed, forcing him to get dressed, forcing him to do homework. Chances are it will be worse than homeschool, I know with us it was, because on top of all their other issues, they were exhausted and stressed from a full day of school.


----------



## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

OP, is your son getting some good physical exertion? If he spends 15 (or so) minutes really playing hard, getting his heart and lungs pumping, brain buzzing, he might then be able to focus on a lesson. Running, kicking a ball, climbing something, swinging, riding a bike/tricycle/scooter in circles. Do you have a Wii? Could he do Wii Sports or Fit and really play hard before he sits down?

Quote:


> Along those lines... is he involved in any kind of "extracurricular" (ie. not with you) classes? Music, dance, swimming, sports, anything like that? If so I'd look at his behaviour in that environment. If he acts much the same way as he does at home I'd be thinking along the lines of some of the medical/SN issues that pps have suggested. If none of the "problematic" at-home behaviours go on in an away-from-home setting (or are greatly reduced) then I'd be inclined to chalk this up as more of a power struggle issue (perhaps coupled with boredom and/or craving more social time).


I was thinking the same thing.


----------



## Tamee (Jul 6, 2006)

It seems to me like he just wants more control over his life. I am not a teacher, but I want to be one. I'm an TA for a Montessori school in Idaho and have had a lot of training and knowledge on the motives of the child.

Let him know what his choices are and let him make one. Don't be emotionally attached to any of them. Accept him how he is. Let there be natural and logical consequences for each choice, ei - you all get so much time for a meal and at the end of such time, the food is taken away. If he doesn't eat while he has food, he can wait til the next meal time. There is much great info out there on this kind of parenting lifestyle. I know a great teacher who I've gotten to know and have learned a lot from and she can definitely help you, I think. This is her site : http://martimonroe.blogspot.com


----------



## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

Whatever else you do, please don't take food away from a child who is still eating, even if he is eating slowly. You don't have to sit there and watch him. You can leave the table and go on with your day. Children are not puppies. Especially when they are having difficulty with motor coordination and concentration, eating can take a while. It's not natural or logical to give a kid a deadline for mealtime.


----------

