# My Sorrow



## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Just a short update, I am not in the mood to talk very much right now. On Tuesday I went to the OB-Gyn tuesday afternoon and she admitted me to the hospital by 5:30 that afternoon. Around 9:00 that evening, the doctors informed me that I had a life threatening condition called HELLP syndrome. My blood pressure was high, I had protein in my urine, my liver was enlarged (which was causing the pain I had), I had low platelets, and my body was destroying my red blood cells. Unfortunately, the only way to save my life was to deliver my baby girl so I was wheeled in to an emergency C-Section. She was born at 10:21 and survived for an hour. She weighed only 440 grams and fought so hard to survive, but at only 24 1/2 weeks, she just couldn't make it outside of my womb. I am finally home from the hospital and we are having a memorial service this Thursday.

Gossamer
Mama to beautiful Baby Mary Rose who went to Heaven 7/29/03


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)




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## 5796 (Oct 19, 2002)

loving hugs. prayers to you and for your baby girl.
heal and mend at your time.
love
tracy


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## mommyof2kids (Dec 13, 2002)

I am so sorry


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

gossamer-- I am SO sorry to hear this news. I had just read about this condition 2 days ago. It breaks my heart to know that you are going through this.....


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

I'm sorry.

Wishing peace, strength and love to you. You're in my thoughts.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry. This is just devastating. I really don't know what to say but that I am so sorry this has happened.

Here is a site with some info and others who have had similar experiences.

http://members.tripod.com/~AnderPander/


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Oh, I am so terribly, terribly sorry.

(((((((((gossamer))))))))

((((((((((precious Mary Rose)))))))))

(((((((((gossamer's DH))))))))))

Please take good care of yourself.


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## starfairy (Apr 3, 2003)

(((HUGS))) I am so very sorry....

Peace,
Anne-Marie


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## carmen veranda (Jan 27, 2003)

I am so so sorry....I wish for you some peace.

Love to you and Mary Rose. What a beautiful name for a baby girl.


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## MomOfHeathens (Apr 24, 2003)

I am so very sorry. Mary Rose is a very beautiful name.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry. Please let us know how the memorial serveice went.

Did you get to hold your daughther? Would you like to talk about her here? Please know we're here to listen and support you in any way we can.

How are you feeling now? You must be emotionally and physically torn apart.

Sending you gentle and healing vibes. I'll light a candle for Mary Rose.


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## serenetabbie (Jan 13, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I was able to hold my darling baby girl for quite a while, and somebody took pictures too. Other than being too small, she was absolutely perfect. SHe has the longest fingers, everyone commented on how long and delicate her fingers are. The auxillary at the hospital gave me a little smocked dress for her and I was able to dress her. My DH also got to hold her while she was still alive. We named her Mary Rose because her aunt Rose was the one holding her when her little heart stopped beating. I do feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on right now. I feel horrible guilt and totally blame myself because I was overweight when I got pregnant. My little baby deserves so much more than one hard hour of life here. SHe is so brave. Iknow I am rambling right now, but I can't pull my thoughts together.
Gossamer


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

I am so sorry....

What a whirl wind you have been through, I imagine you can't even think straight and get your thoughts and self together. What a world of confusion.

I hope your memorial service helps you and your family and I also hope it's beautiful. Honor the daughter, granddaughter, neice, cousin and kind little spirit she is!

Take care of you and yours...


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Gossamer, Go ahead and talk all you want here. That's what this forum is here for.

I found it SO helpful to talk about my daugher. It was so healing when I found someone willing to listen.

You must be surprised by the guilt your feeling. Guilt is a normal part of greiving and even a necessary emotion to move through. I can say it a million times, but it won't matter until you come to the conclusion yourself - you did NOTHING to cause this.

I too felt guilt. I felt I was FULLY responsible for my daughters death. Guilt and self blame was one of the hardest things to go beyond. Then for me anger set in. I stayed VERY angry for a long time. It was actually easier for me to be angry then to constantly beat myself up.

Just know what ever you're feeling they are just that - *your* feelings. It's the one thing in life we truly own. Try to explore your guilt. It's trying to tell you something and lead you to some resove. It is NOT trying to tell you that you did something wrong or that you were overweight.

I've been thinking about you a lot today and hope that things are gentle for you.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

I'm so glad that you got to hold Mary Rose.

If the other thoughts get too heavy or dark, maybe you can think of that. All the time she spent inside you, she felt your love and your care. And the hour she spent outside of you, she still was surrounded by great love and care.

You and your family are in my thoughts.


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

I will say a prayer for you and sweet Mary Rose. I am so sorry.


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## 1jooj (Apr 8, 2002)

(((Gossamer)))

You did everything you could have to react to this condition, and it was out of your hands. I am so terribly terribly sad for your loss. Love to you and your family.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Gossamer, I'm so so sorry you lost your precious daughter. I want you to know that you are not responsable for this. It isn't your fault. Your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## MamaOui (Aug 9, 2002)

Oh gossamer, I am so very sorry that you lost your baby daughter. I don't know what else I can say. I'm just so sorry.


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## wolfmom (Jan 10, 2003)

My spirit grieves for you. I wish you peace. I love the name Mary Rose!


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Mary Rose.


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## ldsapmom (Apr 8, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and release for tomorrow.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss. I love the name Mary Rose and am very glad you got some time with her.

Guilt is normal at this stage, HELLP can occur regardless of weight but I know that offers little comfort to you at this point. The guilt can really be overwhelming...it will take some time to sort through.

I am so terribly sorry. One of the hardest parts of a board like this is one can never offer tangible comfort but I hope our words help.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I thought I would try to write out my story so everyone would know what an angel I had. On May 12th or so I was diagnosed with Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH), due to a very stressful situation at work. I was put on Aldomet twice a day. I went back in 2 weeks after being on the Aldomet and my blood pressures were still too high, around 140 over 100, so they upped my dosage to 3 times a day. On Friday, July 18th, I noticed that for the past 3 days my blood pressures were at least 160/110 and I had some edema, so I called the doctor's office. When they got back to me, they told me I needed to come in right away. My BP was 150/110. They had me lie on my left side in the dark for 15 minutes and my BP was still the same. My doctor wasn't there, but his officemate was and she said I was now a high-risk pregnancy and they were referring me to a different OB-Gyn and I was on bed rest for the weekend. I called the high risk OB-Gyn and they said I needed to see a Cardiologist first, so we made an appointment for the following Tuesday. We then called back the high risk OB-Gyn and they said they could see us August 6th. I hung up crying, here I had just been upgraded to high risk but I couldn't see a doctor for 2 weeks? Were they kidding? My husband called back and bullied the receptionist into giving me an appointment on Thursday after the cardiologist, but instead of seeing the doctor, we were going to see the Certified Nurse Midwife. Again, were they kidding? I had now been upgraded in my risk but downgraded in my care. On Sunday I started having a severe pain between my sternum and my diaphragm. Everyone told me it was probably constipation or gas. But it hurt to sit down, stand up, lie down, breath, cough, sneeze, eat or drink. I stayed on bed rest until Tuesday when I went to the cardiologist. They did an Echocardiogram and EKG and said my heart looked great. But my BP was now 170/115 so they put me on Pro-Cardia twice a day and Aldomet 4 times a day. They also told me to stay on bed rest until I saw the OB-Gyn and come back in a week. On Thursday we went to the OB-Gyn and saw the CNM. She said everything looked good and take some Tums for the gas and stay on bed rest until I see the cardiologist again. We went to go make an appointment with the doctor and they initially said they could work us in on August 14th. Again my husband kind of bullied the assistant and they gave us an appointment for the following Tuesday afternoon. Sunday I had 3 nosebleeds and my blood pressure was still high, 150/100. We called the cardiologists office Monday morning and Monday evening around 5:00 or so the nurse called us back and said take 2 Pro-cardia tablets twice a day and be sure to keep our appointment on Tuesday. So Tuesday morning on the 29th of July, we went back to the cardiologist. He did an EKG and examined me and said other than my blood pressure I was fine and he saw no evidence of pre-eclampsia. So continue taking 2 Pro-Cardia twice a day and 1 Aldomet 4 times a day. And just take some Tums for the gas pain. At 2:45 later that same day, we went to the OB-Gyn. She took some urine and checked my BP, came into the room and pressed on my abdomen and asked me if it hurt there. I said yes it does, very badly. She said I was dumping protein in my urine, 3+ and blood pressure was still out of control and she wanted us to check into the hospital for 24-hour observation. My husband asked for a worst-case scenario and she said "We would have to deliver the baby tonight." So my husband and I come home, pack our bags and catch a ride to the hospital. They do some blood tests and monitor the baby's heart rate. The doctor comes in and says your liver enzymes are elevated. We are waiting for one more test to come back. If it comes back abnormal, we will deliver this baby tonight. My platelet count came back and it was 200,00 below normal. So they said they were going to deliver my baby tonight at only 24 1/2 weeks gestation. She only had a 65% chance of survival and they were going to do a vertical incision on my uterus because the baby was so small. They wheeled me into the OR and at 10:21 p.m., my baby was born. After 1/2 an hour of trying to get her to breath on her own, they realized is was hopeless and they told my husband his daughter was not going to make it and they had baptized her Mary. For another 1/2 an hour our family members and friends took turns holding Mary and her Aunt Rose was holding her when her little heart finally stopped beating and her spirit flew to heaven. I was later wheeled into recovery and my husband had to tell me our daughter had died. I was able to hold her and rock her and even dress her in a gown the auxiliary provided. My husband and I gave her the middle name Rose in honor of her Aunt who was holding her when she died. I was later told I had developed a condition called HELLP syndrome and the only way to save my life was to deliver the baby. The abdominal pain I had been feeling was not gas or constipation, but my liver was enlarged and in danger of rupturing. My platelets were so low I was at risk of hemorrhaging to death or stroke. But I am sure all of you mamas know I would have gladly given my life for my daughters. The memorial service was held today and it was beautiful. IF you have stayed with me this far, God Bless you and thank you for reading Mary Rose's story, for it is her courage and strength I want everyone to remember.
Gossamer

Blessed mama to Mary Rose born July 29, 2003, Gone to Heaven the same day.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Thank you so much for telling your story. She was surrounded by love when she past away in your aunts arms. I'm certain she felt the love you all have given her.

Take good care of yourself, and I hope your family is pampering you and your hubby. When my Chloe Louise died our family made meals for us and brought them over so we didn't have to cook.

You're in my thoughts...take good care of yourself and nap often, your body has been though the ringer and back.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

Thank you for sharing Mary Rose's story. She sounds as beautiful and brave as you do.

Love and peace to you and your family.


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Gossamer...Mary Rose is definately an angel. I am certain she knows how much you love her. May time and prayers comfort you.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Oh, Gossamer--

Much love to you, your husband, and your sweet Mary Rose. You have been through so much, my hope is that you are surrounded by love and support. Thank you for sharing Mary Rose's brief life with us.

Love,
Katherine


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

How are you doing Gossamer??


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## Velveteen (Aug 15, 2002)

Thank you for sharing your story. You are a wonderful mama- your daughter felt your love.
Hugs to you-and prayers


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## fullofhope (Apr 21, 2003)

Thanks for sharing your story, I hope you found strength in the telling. You are a very compasionate person, very strong, and it sounds like Mary Rose is just as strong and compassionate spirit as you.







Take care of yourself, and may you find peace.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Gemini,
I am checking in quickly. We have had horrible computer problems and our computer was out of commission for a few days. To answer your question of how I am doing, yesterday was a very hard day for me because it was 2 weeks exactly since Mary Rose died. I woke up sad and just kept thinking that only 2 weeks ago I was pregnant and Mary Rose was doing just fine. Today is a little bit better, 2 friends from work came and took me out to lunch. I am just sad. I miss my daughter so much. I got to know her for 5 months in my womb and my arms have just ached to hold her. Sometimes I wonder if I just wanted to be a mother too badly. Oh well, like I said, I am just sad right now.
Gossamer


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## flutemandolin (Nov 20, 2001)

gossamer-

I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking of you and your dh and Mary Rose even though you probably don't know me. May you find strength and peace.


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## MamaOui (Aug 9, 2002)

I am thinking of you, too, gossamer.


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

You're in my thoughts as well, gossamer.

Just wanted to send you some more







too.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Sorry so long for a reply...

I too know that empty arms feeling. In 1998 I had a baby pass away in my arms 5 hours after birth. We had found out through ultrasound (at 20 weeks) that she had a rare birth defect she wouldn't survive after birth. I had that feeling for a looong time. I did get pregnant 8 months later and had my next dd by emergency c-section at 31 weeks. My pregnancies always come with some sort of excitement.







: None of it fun mind you.

I hope you're hanging in there. I'm thinking of you lots these days remembering when I went through the same darn thing. (but mine wasn't as sudden as yours though)
















to you...

(edited to add that what would be her 5th birthday is coming up on August 24th







)


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

gossamer,

i am glad you shared the story of your sweet daughter. i am so sorry you had such a short time with her.
hope you find gentleness with yourself and healing.

hugs, mamabutterfly


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Thank y'all so much for expressing your sympathy, thoughts and prayers. It is not easy to get through the days right now. Everyone tells me that time is a great healer, so I am waiting for time to pass. Y'alls sympathy makes it a little easier. THank you again.
Gossamer


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## oatmeal (Nov 15, 2002)

I can't imagine beign so close to your little one in your arms and then having her slip away. You and she will be connected forever... I am so sorry for your loss and I hope the sadness won't stay to long.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry gossamer.

Thanks for sharing Mary's story with us.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

gossamer,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mary Rose. I have had severe, early onset preeclampsia in 2 pregnancies, at 28 (delivered at 30 w by emergency cs) and 29 weeks, which ended in an, ironically, unrelated stillbirth due to cord injury. If you would like to talk, feel free to pm me for my email. Also, I wanted to suggest that you write down everything that you want to remember, the magnesium sulfate that they give you to stop seizures is an amnesiac, and often you will start to forget things that you may want to remember.
I've linked to 2 organizations that you may want to check out about PE and HELLP that I have found helpful.

http://members.aol.com/HELLP1995/index.html The HELLP Syndrome Society, Inc.

http://www.preeclampsia.org/ Preeclampsia Foundation

Again, I am so sorry. Be gentle to yourself and know there is nothing you could have done.

(edited for clarity)


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Thank you Queencarr. These websites have been helpful I also had an appointment with my OB-Gyn that was very positive. She said her concern was not IF i get pre-eclampsia again, but WHEN i get it again. Her goal is to stave it off until the baby is viable. I just feel so betrayed by my body. Mary Rose was perfect, just a little small for her age. My body just couldn't handle the pregnancy.
Gossamer


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

gossamer, I am really having a hard time expressing how much I ache for your loss as well as your health issues. The loss of a child is truly the most painful experience that life deals us. I cannot imagine what you are going through, my own experiences are still so painful for me even years later. I cannot imagine struggeling with what you have been through and what you have been forced to face.

I am so sorry.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

gossamer,

Dh and just had an appointment with a perinatologist to discuss the risks, etc of another pregnancy.

<Her goal is to stave it off until the baby is viable. I just feel so betrayed by my body.>

That would essentially be our goal. It took me almost four years to calm the betrayal and fear against my own body before I got pg the second time. For me, I had to have that under control and be at peace with it before I could "give myself" to another pregnancy. I am glad that I waited, as it allowed me to still enjoy my second pregnancy, which in turn was the only time I had to spend with dd. Had I been fearful and worried the whole time (I still had moments, just not constantly), I would have missed out on a lot. I mention this because after dd died, the urge to get pg again right away was almost overwhelming, and I wanted to give you perspective from my experience.

Continue to be gentle with yourself.


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## Gemini (Apr 9, 2003)

Gemini


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## Cassandra M. (Aug 3, 2003)

i am so sorry for your loss.







i feel devastated for you!








i am sorry you lost your sweet baby angel.








wishing you lots of healing and love and light to help ease the pain of your tremendous loss!








please keep us posted on how you are doing.


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