# How long to TTC after 3rd tri loss?



## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Although my ob says we can try whenever we're ready, I'm skeptical. Carrying a baby for 9 months is hard work and I'm wondering if it makes sense to TTC right away. We plan to wait anyways, but I just wanted your opinions.
If you've had a loss late in your pg, how long will you wait to TTC?

Hmm, I wonder if this should be on the pg after loss board?


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Hello Sweet Teach









i like you am trying to decide when to start trying again after my loss. I was at 22 weeks when I lost my daughter at the end of December. My midwife initially recomended 3 months wait to allow my body to heal from the pregnancy and delivery. However when I saw her for my six week appointment she said I could start trying whenever i felt ready as my body was healing well and I am young and healthy. I can't really say what is right for you, but I would think you would want to wait until your body felt normal again. Also emotionaly it is a really hard thing. I really want a baby, but I want to be sure I have delt with my loss before I jump into another pregnancy. I have decided to wait until this summer at least to try again. I want my body to have time to recover fully so I can be in the best shape possible before trying another pregancy. I know there is no sure way to prevent losing a pregnancy, but I want to up the odds in my favor by entering into my next pregnancy as healthy as I can be.

I don't know if any of this will help you. I wish I knew something really good to say, or I had some concrete advice to give. You carried your son longer than I carried my daughter. i am sure your body needs some time to heal and I am sure you need some time to greive. All I can say is listen to your body and your heart. When your cycles return to normal, and you feel strong again I would say you are probably ready to start trying again. I don't know that there is truly an amount of time that is right for everyone. Speak to your partner and try to decide what is right for both of you. Feel free to Pm me or email me if you would like.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

SweetTeach, I think this topic can fit here or in the Pregnancy After Loss forum. It depends on where your comfort level is now. I'll leave it here and if you want it moved at some point let abimommy or myself know and we'll move it.

You're so fresh in your grief now. This can be such a confusing time. You're arms are aching to be filled, but your filled with so many questions and fears. Everyone is going to react to their loss differently. Some women need some extra time to deal with their emotions before trying again. Some women have an ergency to fill their aching arms as quickly. You may even feel one way one day and a different way the next. There's no right or wrong answer to you're question - only the answer that feels right to you and your partner.

When I first lost Amanda I had some anger at having carried her for 9 months and going through a long and difficult labor. It seemed so unfair (which it was). I was scared to take the chance again and open myself up to the pain. But several days later I realised how alone I felt. I knew for me that I would not be complete without a baby in my arms and I was pegnant within 4 months.

It was hard being pregnant so soon after I lost Amanda. I still had a lot of grief issues to deal with. I often wonder if It would have been easier had I waited. but now my son is 9 and I can't imagine my life without him.

Talk to your partner. Find out what you can about your loss (though be prepaired to find very little). Then you can make a decision that works best for you. There are a few books listed in the resource sticky at the top of this forum on making decisions after a loss. I found them very helpful for me.

Have you attended a pregnancy loss support group in your area? If you'd be comfortable with that it could really give you a lot of insite.

I wish you peace on this journey.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

nak... we were ttc almost immediately after losing xiola (41w4d). I think my 1st two cycles were anovulatory because temps were all over (i was also doing a lot of research into her death, i probably did not cycle till my questions were answered regarding what happened). the next 2 months i realized my cycles had changed from 28d to 25d. so cycle#5 we bd'd 4 days earlier then usual O and that 's when we concieved ezra.

definitely i think things may have been easier had we waited the textbook year... but we wanted a baby in our arms so badly. plus i have met people who have never really done their grief work regarding their loss and it really holds them back, even many years after. i think a 'time range' is so arbitrary... what matters is the work you do to make your loss something that you can live with instead of something that haunts you.

my body was able to handle the new pregnancy pretty well, i had to be vigilent about nutrition (especially protein) and water consumption because my 'reserves' were low and i did tire more easily. also, it helped that xiola's pregnancy had been healthy with an (otherwise) easy natural birth. if you had any health concerns or a difficult birth, you may choose to give yourself more time to heal.

ttc after loss is truly a leap of faith. after losing our dd so suddenly, we were terrified. we considered not trying ever again, we were so scared. after xiola's death, the most intense and difficult thing i have done was to concieve, carry, and birth my son. but when i finally got to hold him, i knew it was all worth it.

you will know when it is time. trust your heart.









xm


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

Can't add too much to XM's story, but ours has some similarities - Jacob died during birth, and for me, there wasn't anything better than getting pregnant as soon as possible - Noah was born 1 year + 2 days after Jacob; he's now 4 and we also have Nathaniel, 21 months.

But, your story is yours - trust your heart.

Barbara


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Iris,
I am sorry for your loss of Arawyn (again). I am right there with you as far as the timing thing. When we both decide we're ready we can be supportive to each other I hope- ttc buddies







.

Ms Mom,
I know that I have to do some work on the emotional side- and it's true I go back and forth from one day (minute, hour?) to the next. I def. am knee deep in my grief. I am talking alot to the many people around me and I've gone back to work very part time and that has made me feel better. I feel like I'm turning a corner. I do wonder if in another month or two I'll go back to feeling as miserable as I did 4 weeks ago, so I'm trying to really just take it one day at a time. I've had to kind of shut down the physical part of me that was aching for my son b/e I just felt like I wasn't gonna be able to deal if I didn't. So my aching, at this moment, feels kind of like a far away ache, if that makes sense.

As far as insights into my son's death, we don't have any concrete medical reasons. It *could've* been [sudden onset] pre-e, or a cord issue (wrapped) or any thing else. He was a low weight for his gest age, but there were no indications in any of my prenatals that we should've been concerned about that [and I was seeing m/w's who didn't do a million sonos so we didn't know he was small]. So basically, it's inconclusive. I know I'll have to just roll the dice and pray for the next one (s) to come through.

XM- I'm sorry to hear about your loss of Xiola. So you know what I'm feeling, huh? How long after Xiola's death was your son Ezra born?

jordmoder- I'm sorry for your loss of Jacob. I'm glad to hear that you have two more wonderful boys.

For those of you who got pg around 3-4 months after your loss, how did it feel to go through the same time frame as your loss (seasons, months, etc.) Did it feel "deja vu-ish"?
Did you wear the same maternity clothes, and save all your things you had bought for your first baby?
Did you have any physical issues that arose as a result of being pg so quickly?
What were people's reactions like when they saw you were pg again?
How did you feel about sharing your pregnancy with others? I feel like I'll never be able to say with confidence "I'm having a baby in ____ (fill in the month)"
Thanks for your responses.


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

SweetTeach, I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. When I responded to your post earlier, somehow or other I didn't "get" that this had just happened







I am so sorry.

My second pregnancy coincided exactly with Jacob's... it was pretty surreal. At times I felt like I'd been pregnant forever - with nothing to show for it. But other times it felt like I needed to repeat the experience to discover a different ending.

We never had any conclusive medical evidence to explain what happened with Jacob - and that was both healing in a strange way, (because there was nothing anyone could have done to change the outcome) and also scary because, what if lightning DOES strike twice?

My family and medical providers were actually more nervous about Noah's pregnancy than I was. After I felt him move I was convinced that everything would be okay - and even though I went along with the non-stress tests, and the more ultrasounds, I didn't feel it was a high risk pregnancy. (He was born 10 minutes after I got to the hospital, BTW - perfectly fine)

It is really crucial that you find care providers that will respect you and allow you to be as "flaky" as you need to be in terms of reassurance with a subsequent pregnancy, and, that you are provided with all the information you want/need about what is going on with your body and baby. If people say you are "high risk" make sure you get them to explain why exactly they feel that way, or are they just nervous because of what you've been through.

I wore the same maternity clothes, basically because I didn't have any others, but right at the end of pregnancy I was absolutely driven to find something brand new for this new baby. Kinda weird, because we never did use it (and haven't with Nathaniel, either) we got a beautiful crib and set it all up.

Life is such a process - please allow yourself to be taken care of in this fragile and very strange time.

Blessings,

Barbara


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by SweetTeach_
XM- I'm sorry to hear about your loss of Xiola. So you know what I'm feeling, huh? How long after Xiola's death was your son Ezra born?
Thank you... and I while I can never say I 'know' what anyone else is feeling, I know how devastated we were by Xiola's death and I ache for you. Those first few months were unbearable, my heart was so raw. March 16th it will have been two years. Time does help so much.

Xiola was a Bradley birth in a hospital with a perinatalogist (pelvic injury, pregnancy related raised BP so no midwife would take me where I lived) and she died sometime during the 10 minutes I was pushing (I had been told not to push for over 3 hours). Ezra was born in the caul, at home with a midwife, 14 months after his sister's birth/death.

Quote:

how did it feel to go through the same time frame as your loss (seasons, months, etc.) Did it feel "deja vu-ish"?
Did you wear the same maternity clothes, and save all your things you had bought for your first baby?
It was so very hard, it was very deja vu! I found myself having a lot of flashbacks (I have PTSD, made worse by my daughter's death). When Ezra was born, for the first few weeks of his life I had a lot of memories come flooding back that I had supressed, little details of the last few weeks of her pregnancy, her labor, her birth. It was very difficult, but it was my psyche processing the experience, and my disbeleif at having had a live baby.

I also saved all my things. Many of them I used for Ezra, but not all because she was a winter baby and he was a summer baby









Quote:

What were people's reactions like when they saw you were pg again? How did you feel about sharing your pregnancy with others? I feel like I'll never be able to say with confidence "I'm having a baby in ____ (fill in the month)"
We had moved to another town when we were pregnant with Xiola, and came back to Seattle a few months after losing her, so I really didn't have to deal with people remembering that I was pregnant or seeing things that remind me of pregnancy. Most people were very supportive, I am sure that a homebirth freaked my mom out but she knew better then to say anything, lol.

I was very cautious (paranoid?) about sharing Ezra's pregnancy. I seldom discussed it, I gave people 'f*ck off' looks of they appeared to be approaching the belly. I envied women who approached pregnancy as if it inevitably resulted in a live, healthy baby. I missed that innocence. At the same time, I reveled in carrying Ezra because life was even more precious to me and I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, knowing that may be all that I have.

I want to second what Barbara said about making a provider explain _why_ they think you are high risk. It took a lot of looking before I found a midwife who was comfortable with my loss. The rest seemed to be kind of freaked by it... even though it is obvious when you read the notes that my labor was grossly mismanaged (I will be writing her birth story soon).

XM


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm so glad you're comfortable coming here. You asked some really thought provoking questions. As you can see from the responses, everyone's experience is unique.

I'll try to answer from my side of it.

Quote:

For those of you who got pg around 3-4 months after your loss, how did it feel to go through the same time frame as your loss (seasons, months, etc.) Did it feel "deja vu-ish"?
For me, it seemed like an odd dream. I didn't seem deja-vu for me. I think it's because my son's pregnancy was SO much different and I was on bed rest. With Amanda's pregnancy I was working a VERY stressfull job with lot's of overtime.

The seasons were more a reminder of what wasn't. Mothers Day was hard - I was a mother with VERY empty and acheing arms. Thanksgiving was torture. My daughter died right after Thanksgiving and I could so vividly remember the one I was pregnant with her and how WONDERFUL I felt waiting for her to join us.

Ds was born 9 days after Amanda first birth/death anniversary. Her birthday was hard and I remember actually being upset whenever my son kicked. I felt I was betraying my daughter.

Quote:

Did you wear the same maternity clothes, and save all your things you had bought for your first baby?
I didn't buy many maternity clothes with Amanda. I've always worn baggy clothing. Most of my maternity clothes were business attire and because I was not working, I didn't have a need for them.

Some of the baby things I made and bought I used. It was odd, but I was also excited to see a baby wrapped in the blanket I made and snuggled in the fleece onsie. It brought me some peace.

Quote:

Did you have any physical issues that arose as a result of being pg so quickly?
I don't believe so. I think I had more body aches (leg cramps and lower back pain). But again, I was on bed rest, so it's hard for me to make a real judgment. I was actually a bit healthier - I had Gestational Diabetes with Amanda and not with ds's pregnancy.

Quote:

What were people's reactions like when they saw you were pg again?
To be honest, I had major issues. There were some restaurants and shops my husband and I really liked and they all knew I was PG. I was unable to go back to them. I avoided a lot of places and people.

Quote:

How did you feel about sharing your pregnancy with others? I feel like I'll never be able to say with confidence "I'm having a baby in ____ (fill in the month)"
Again, my reaction wasn't great. We only shared with a small handful of friends. We didn't tell my in-laws until I was almost 6 months and I never told my family (other issues on that one).

The hardest question for me was "is this you're first?" I tried saying no, but that got met with questions. When I said yes, I got stupid women telling me how horrible childbirth was. I actually told a few people off. I spent a lot of time feeling angry during my pregnancy - but again, that was my response to it. I had some horrific family issues as well and that compounded a lot of my emotional reactions.

I don't know if my response would have been different had I waited. I was pretty upset with some people and how insensitive they were. I don't know how much a year would have taken away from that.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

When I was pregnant with ds, I worked in a 300+ person office... so I had many ask me when I was due and if this was my first baby. I simply told them, "we had a previous loss"... because while I could not deny my daughter's life, it was so painful to talk about when I was hugely pregnant with her brother. Usually saying that we had a previous loss would evoke an, "I'm so sorry" and positive wishes for my current pregnancy. Occasionally, a woman would share her loss with me and we'd both feel less alone.

No one talks about birth loss... I felt I owed it to my daughter not to perpetuate the silence.

XM


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Wow, I just read your responses and they are so honest and touching. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. I have to run out but I will respond in detail later today. You all are wonderful


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I was thinking about how I wanted to respond to this thread and I realized that I'd kinda like to have a private conversation with each of you! It is amazing to hear your stories- it definitely helps me to feel less alone in what I'm feeling right now, even though we're not TTC. I have a sense of what life may be like for me in the future based on your experiences.

Right now I'm just trying to get information about what kind of care I might like to have for the next pg. I was seeing m/w's at a free standing birthing center, but the m/w I ended up being with for my son's birth/death was totally WACK, so I can't go back there. The ob who took over (part owner of the birth center) was truly wonderful to me and my family both at the hosp and afterwards. However, I don't feel comfortable with an interventionist approach as a rule of thumb if it's not warranted, so I'm not sure if I'll stick with her.

My friend is getting ready for a h/b and her prenatals are 1hr long at her home and that sounds like some very personalized care to me, so we'll see what I'm feeling like when the time comes.
My labor was only 1 hr/20 mins, 3 pushes, so wherever it is, everyone better be prepared!

XM- on Tues. one of my students (@ community college) asked me if I have children. (I teach Early childhood ed, btw) and I felt the same way as you. I told her "I don't have any living children." I really wish I could've said "Yes, I have a 2 month old son!"


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I was 24 1/2 weeks pregnant, so not quite as pregnant as you, but still further aong than most losses. Is there any way you could find out if you did have Pre-Eclampsia? The fact that your son was small for his age could indicate an insufficient placenta due to pre-eclampsia. I contracted severe pre-eclmpsia and HELLP syndrome and had to have an emergency C-Section to save my life. Unfortunately, my daughter was too small to survive. She died an hour after birth. Because of the severity of my Pre-eclampsia, my doctor has recommended we wait at least a year before conceiving. I am just worried about your health. I am so sorry about your son. Please be gentle with your self as you travel this journey of grief. This board has been increadibly healing for me, I hope it is for you.
GOssamer


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

SweetTeach--

My baby, Kevin, was stillborn at 38 weeks in November 2002. It's been 15 months and we're still not TTC, because of a few factors. At first I wanted to be pregnant again desperately, but I knew my body was too depleted (I vomit throughout my pregnancies, and was recovering from a c-section--there was no way my body was ready to support another pregnancy). Then we had a really tough time in our marriage, so it would have been very dumb for me to get pregnant. Now I am feeling healthier physically and emotionally, and our marriage is much, much better. But I still don't think I could even contemplate another pregnancy for another year. There has been so much turmoil for so long, and my pregnancies are so tough for my family. But you know, if Kevin had been my first, as your son was for you, I think I would have tried to get pregnant immediately. That aching to hold your own baby is just too intense. Because I had other children to hold during that time, I was able to get through it.

You are enduring the toughest part right now. Just know that as you make it through the next few months, you will have the worst part behind you. For me, the third and fourth months were the absolute worst. That's when I posted here and the other moms shared their "crazy with grief" stories with me. I felt so much better hearing that others had also wanted to die and had thrown and broken things, and had screamed a lot, and, and, and... I just want to convey that you can come out on the other side of this grief and that it will be worth it. There were days when I never thought I could feel happy again. But, I am so grateful to be here now, and enjoying my life again.

Much love to you as you consider your options and decide what to do about another pregnancy, and especially as you come to terms with losing your baby and all the ways that affects your life.

Love,
Katherine


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. the love we all have for our babies is very apperant.
i just wanted to let you know sweet teach that i can understand were you are coming from. even though i didn't carry my baby for as long as you did i have been going back and forth between thinking it is best to wait and wanting another baby so badly. we are hoping to try next cycle and then wait and see what happens. for me i really want to be holding another baby in my arms as soon as possible.
i am lucky in that the midwife who cared for me during my miscarriage will be our midwife for the next pregnancy (even with me being high risk and having had the miscarriage) so that takes a big load off our mind. she has been great about getting us started on several things before actually getting pregnant.

good luck in whatever you decide

tara


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Gossamer, I was told that I had mild pre-eclampsia. The m/w and ob don't think that is why Nazir died, though. I was fine- after I gave birth my bp when back to normal where it had been the entire pg. I had a vaginal delivery with no complications and my pg was problem free so I think that's why we were told we could try again immediately. Emotionally, though, I know I have to wait a bit. Thank you for your care and concern.

Katherine, Even with all my tears and expressing myself, I think there are still some ways that I haven't even let myself acknowledge the depth of my despair at losing my very first pregnancy and baby so late in the game. It's horrendous on every level. I feel like even if I have 6 more that are living, I will never be complete. My marriage has been made stronger as a result of this loss, so I am thankful for that. I can't imagine what it will be like to go through another pg though. Absolutely scary and anxiety producing, I'm sure. I have a feeling it will be comforting too, in a strange way. I know that I don't control life and death, so I will def. try to cherish every moment, just as I did with my pg with Nazir so that I can have good memories to hold onto no matter what happens.
The love of my family and friends has really helped me to have happy days, even now, so soon after this loss. But nobody really understands, unless they've been there, you know?

Tara- good luck with TTC. I'll be crossing my fingers for you.


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## lestouffer (Jul 2, 2002)

I was pregnant 6 weeks after my first sons death, but I had a D&E under general anesthesia so it was a little different than pushing myself and the physical things that happen then (not to say the emotional).
Then after Taylor (my second son) died, it took me until his due date to conceive again (3 months later). Mostly becuae I knew that I wanted a second child so much with Chuck (our first son) and that they told me that his disease (Dandy Walker) was not genetic, so it wouldn't happen again. With Taylor, he was a surprise, although I had always wanted 3 kids (but my DH was really OK with the 2 we had).....so after he died, we weren't sure if we were ready to do it again, especially since we now knew it was genetic and also since we were OK with 2 girls and knew that our 3rd would have to be a girl to avoid the DW.

I am sorry for all your losses...........


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

lestouffer, I am sorry for your losses. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

Tomorrow my son would have been 3 months old








It's amazing, I can't believe it's been three months. I don't feel ready in my head/body to be pg again, but I don't want to wait either. Such an icky place to be.

I just want to let you all know that re-reading this thread has brought me comfort once again. Thank you mamas.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by SweetTeach_
*Tomorrow my son would have been 3 months old







*
Big, big hugs to you, mama. BTW, I love your sig line... '...spiritual beings on a human path...' what an amazing observation.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Hi XM-
THANK YOU for the big hugs. I'm hanging in there...
How are you doing?
Xiola's birthday is coming up! I am thinking of you and your angel.


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## Freckles (Mar 8, 2004)

Hi SweetTeach, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby in the 3rd trimester and I never thought I'd be able to try again but somehow I did but recently miscarried.

I truly feel that only you and your partner can make that decision. I think you have to be physically and emotionally ready. I thought I was so I went for it but now, after losing this one too, I am not so eager to try again.

I'm so very sorry. Please take great care of yourself and give yourself time to grieve, for as long at it may take.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Freckles, thank you for your insights. I am sending you BIG hugs right now (((((((Freckles))))))

(BTW, your story seems "familiar" to me. Are you who I think you are?







)

I am very very sorry for your losses.


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## Freckles (Mar 8, 2004)

SweetTeach, yes it is me but I only just realized it is you! Thank you very much for your PM. You introduced me to this wonderful board. I am so sorry again for you loss.


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