# Don't belong here, don't belong out there.



## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Mamas, I am hoping it's okay if I post in this forum too. I have not experienced a miscarriage, but what I am going through is its own form of loss.

My son Toby was born 7 weeks early due to PIH and pre-eclampsia. I had an emergency C-section with him and during that time my liver and heart failed, a vein in my retina ruptured (and later healed with a scar), and lots of other fun things. Despite all that and a really hard pregnancy with puking and scary hormones of death!!, I really wanted to have another child this year.

In January we went to an OBGYN to ask about possible risks of another pregnancy. Long story short, I went through several batteries of tests and had 3 doctors, one of which a leading expert in high risk pregnancies, tell me I had a 70% chance of dying if I got pregnant again. I've had 2 sterilization procedures this year; the latest one seems like it actually worked.









I never expected this. I am on blood pressure medication for likely the rest of my life. I'm 22 years old. I have one son and will never have a chance to carry another child. I hated being pregnant, I despised every second of it. I told myself that I'd enjoy it the next time around. When Toby was born, my grandma held him the most because I was too busy "getting things done" around my house. I wasn't able to breastfeed. I didn't snuggle or hold my baby enough, didn't enjoy his babyhood. There are so many regrets I have... and now I will never have a chance to do it over.

I am grieving the loss of any future children I might have had. For personal reasons, adoption isn't an option for us. This is one of the hardest things I have ever faced. One of the worst things is the flip-flopping. Sometimes I am so grateful to be done! Toby is a handful, and I am so happy to be over the waking up at night, the formula, the frustrated-baby-who-wants-to-crawl-but-can't-yet stages.

But then I hear mommies talk about their newborns. Their pregnancies. I hear babies cry. I see them on TV or on the Internet or in person. I see the tiny baby clothes. I think of how things could have been with my new baby. I think of baby names...

It feels like a piece of me has died, and although my husband has been wonderfully supportive, he doesn't understand completely. I hate my body for doing this to me. I hate whatever I did that caused this to happen. I hate that my awesome fertile-ness was wasted on a body that can't carry any more children.

And so I am hoping that I can find support and understanding here. Although I think I have it easier than the mamas who have delivered a still child or miscarried, I still hurt in my own way. My heart aches for all of us.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

(((HUGS))))
Even before I had my miscarriage and my stillborn baby girl, I recognised that *choosing* to say "I'm done" would be a grief in itself for me. Now that I've experienced loss too I believe that even more. Saying goodbye to our reproductive possibilities would be sad but manageable if we had actually accomplished everthing we hoped. Saying "goodbye" when the journey is a twisted one and the decision hasn't been ours to make is a *HUGE* deal.

You are very welcome here - you are grieving the loss of the possibilitity of children. Your circumstances might be different but we ALL understand the sadness and the grief here.

I do not wish to stir up things that you are processing and I respect what you said about adoption - it was also something my DH & I ruled out for us. Is there a possibility for you to consider alternatives such as surrogacy?


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## my-j-angel (May 10, 2004)

So sorry you had such an ordeal with Toby's birth. You are very welcome here, all of our stories are different but we all are feeling the pain of grieving one way or another. I know it's easy to say oh you should be happy with the child(ren) you have, but when you want another it's hard. I have 2 healthy, beautiful sons before our losses, I try to be to just focus on them but there is always a part of me that so badly wants another that I don't know will ever happen. I would love, love, love to have a newborn in my home again.......


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm sorry your pregnancy and birth was so traumatic, I'm sorry for the loss of your future children.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

That is perhaps one of the reasons I'm in so much pain....I have five boys...I didn't expect to have any more. I got pregnant, and lost my twins, and have never felt so empty. I know that it doesn't make and SENSE for me to TRY to add to my already "too big according to societal norms" family. I know that noone understood why we were having MORE. it was awful to feel so judged. Every part of my being ACHES for my babies. They are gone. I am using birth control, knowing that it apparently DOESN'T work for me...and knowing that I am not brave enough to go through another possible loss...and that having a child with special needs would drain my family more than I feel able to bear. I am 35. "old". I have five. why would I want more? and yet I do. and don't. and do. and probably won't. and probably shouldn't.

and it makes me so sad. so sad to know my birthing life ended in death. That my last memory of holding a baby is one in which my baby was gone.

My last memory of birth is of death.

I don't know if I can STAND that for me, for my husband, for my sons.

but....maybe that is just the way it is.

The loss of baby years IS loss. huge loss.

huge.


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Thank you mamas... it's so hard to post here, I guess because I haven't gone through what you have. I can't imagine carrying a little life inside of me and then losing that. In some ways I wish I had... it might be easier to process this. But I am grateful that I didn't experience that too.

I read some of your stories... you are all such amazing women. Thank you for supporting me, even though our circumstances aren't the same.

It's so hard, grieving for .... what? I don't even know. I'm grieving for lost possibilities, for my future as I wanted it. I do love my wonderful little boy, and I am so lucky to have him, but I wanted more.

I wanted to have a do-over with my birth experience. I was totally unconscious for my C-section and in addition, when I woke up I still had a blind spot in my right eye. So although the nurses kindly wheeled Toby in an incubator over to me, I didn't get to see him for real until he was 3 days old. I don't know what it's like to hold a brand new baby and I never will. I don't know what it's like to really give birth. I didn't get to see his umbilical cord or the stump, or clean up the meconium, or anything you read about in all those newborn books. I didn't change a diaper until he was 2.5 weeks old. I wasn't the one to give him his first bath or see him first or hold him first or even call him by his name first.

I regret that I didn't know anything about breastfeeding. I had a friend who tried to help me, but I was too shy to ask questions and that was no good. I didn't know you had to pump every 2 hours to keep the milk supply up. I am thankful that I was able to at least give Toby a little breastmilk - colostrum, and at least 1 time I was able to feed him exclusively breastmilk (well, I took it to the NICU nurses and they put it in his feeding tube.) But I wish I could have known more about bfing.

I just felt like, I had Toby and now I know what to do differently and how to stand up for myself better. I KNEW something was wrong starting at 20 weeks. I knew I was going to have pre-eclampsia and I knew my BP was increasing and it was a REAL increase and not just "coincidence" like my DR said. I wish I had taken better care of myself in pregnancy. I wish I had stood up for myself to my awful doctor.

I don't regret having him early because I know I would have died if I hadn't. We could have both died. It's sad that I had to be induced and have a C-section, but I don't regret it. I DO regret not knowing that the closest NICU was 30 minutes away. I assumed all hospitals had NICUs and that I would be near him always.

I regret not going with my husband when he gave my son his first blessing. (In my religion, a priesthood blessing is a special prayer over the head of a person anointed with consecrated oil. This blessing was specifically for healing and a prayer for the Lord to watch over my son.) Instead I stayed home... and had a panic attack that lasted 3 hours. I regret not spending every second in the NICU with him. I know I was recovering from the C-section but I should have been there more.

I regret not taking better care of my body. I hate that I let myself get so fat. That I am still so fat, that I can't lose the weight that would have allowed my heart to heal and let me have more children. I just wanted one. more. I wanted a boy or a girl, it didn't matter. If it had been a boy, he would have had 3 names like Toby. If it had been a girl, her name would have been Alexandria Kristine. My mom's name is Anna Kristine, my name is Amanda Kristina. I would have kept the tradition going.

I regret not knowing that Toby was going to be my only. If I had known I would have named him Andrew (after my great great grandfather who came to America when he was 14 and left his family in Sweden behind forever) Kristian. Don't get me wrong, I love Toby's name, but it has no connection to my side of the family and sometimes that bothers me.

I regret having such horrid PPD and letting myself be so lazy and lax in taking care of him. I regret hating his babyhood and feeling trapped by him sometimes. I regret yelling at him when I get too frazzled because I love him so much and I should be enjoying this time, the only time I have with a toddler.

My religion places a huge emphasis on families. I will likely be the only one in church with only one child. I haven't gotten questions yet but I know I will. I know soon I will be asked when I am having another. I already blurt out the information at really awkward times with total strangers. How will I handle it when people I face every week start asking?

My friends are just getting started having their families. My best friend had a beautiful baby girl 2 months ago tomorrow and it kills me that I don't have that. She was able to have a home waterbirth, something I ached for after I had Toby. I am so jealous, but I love her and her daughter so much. It's a really hard juxtaposition. This wonderful friend of mine has said she would be my surrogate if I ever asked. I don't know how I feel about that. On the one hand it would be wonderful... but I don't know if I could do that to another person. I mean, if I carried someone else's baby it would be so hard to give that baby away at the end... does that make sense?

I'm angry at my husband for making me be sterilized. I think I could have toughed it out. I am too stubborn to die, I could have lived through my pregnancy. I'm angry at myself for not waiting and trying to lose weight and seeing if my heart would heal. is this my punishment for not being a good enough mom? for hating my first pregnancy?

Just when I think I am over it, I ... am not. Friday is my 23rd birthday and I'm feeling so broken up about it. Just 2 years ago I was 22 weeks pregnant. I spent my 21st bday in the hospital for puking up blood, but at least I was pregnant. Just 1 year ago I was gearing up for another pregnancy, so excited to possibly get pregnant at the same time as my best friend. Scoffing at my husband for wanting to clear it with a doctor first.

I wanted to get pregnant in March 2008 and have another baby in December 2008. I thought it would be so neat to have 2 babies born in the same year, but ultimately I chickened out and went back on birth control (mostly to stop the freakin' postpartum bleeding). I wish I had been braver. I wish that after I learned the first sterilization procedure had failed I had gone off BC without telling and just gotten pregnant.

I wish









And on a completely unrelated note, I posted some pictures of Toby and DH and me in my album if you want to "get to know us" a little better. I'm very proud of them, please take a look if you would.


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## sharr610 (May 14, 2008)

Aw, Kris,







.

I had a birth experience 1/500th as traumatizing as yours. And I had an early miscarriage. Everyone is different, everyone feels things differently. But I can tell you what, I've had a MUCH harder time dealing with a birth and early days that weren't what I wanted than the miscarriage. The miscarriage, well, I think most of that was out of my control.

But the birth, man, I just play out every moment of it again and again sometimes. I see instances that could have made things different. I see choices that were made. I see regret. I understand. Its hard, REALLY hard.

But here you are. Its not where you want to be. Its not what you had hoped for. And people can say, "but you have a healthy baby, and thats what matters." Well, DUH. Of COURSE I'm happy to have a healthy babe. Why would you think I'm not even there?! But as mamas we want that healthy babe to have healthy circumstances, and parents and we dream for them and us to have these great little lives together. And when that doesn't happen, its no fun.

Sounds like you are greiving it all right now. There will be other steps and this is part of your path of healing. Hang in there. It DOES get better. Time does heal. But for now, know that everything you are feeling is right and real.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

Kris,

I'm so sorry. ((HUGS)). I'm not on here often, but I come by from time to time and I just read your post today and thought I'd reply.

What you've been through is so difficult. And you have every right to your feelings and need the time to grieve.

I'm also at a point where I've been advised not to have any more children (Rh disease) and my DH as well does not want to go through any more high risk pregnancies. So, I've been told I'm done as well. Trouble is, I really wish sometimes I could have one more living child. I'm grateful for the two I have, and I did have three, but we lost her on her due date 6 years ago.

Take the time to process everything and be kind to yourself. I'm still coming to terms with the idea that I will never have another chance for a baby. I wish there were a way to feel more at peace with this, but when the decision has been made for me, it's not easy.


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## mamabeetle (Dec 28, 2004)

I can relate to this loss. My first pregnancy, I had much less severe PIH (even at a fit 125lbs). I also hada 10 week too early contracting uterus and a dilated cervix to match. I had gnarly PPD. I didn't know what to do with the babe. I blindly did what was told and knew little about my own body. DH and I never thought twice when we started TTC for another. We got pregnant and lost our baby. It took us a few years to conceive our youngest son, my third pregnancy. By this time, alot had changed. Five years had passed and I had alot of pregnancy and birth knowledge. Despite considering plans for a home birth, we went with a very gentle OB. I am so glad I had her, and that she kept me, despite how sick I was and the complications with our babe. My pregnancy was alot like yours, despite multiple preventative efforts. I did have the opportunity to appreciate it, knowing full well it was most likely my last, regardless of my wants. I was on BR for 3months, in and out of the hospital. My heart and kidneys were very weak, i looked like dough, i couldn't focus my eyes, my BP wouldn't respond well to meds and ranged 200-230/120-160, i was always nauseated from that. I couldn't do anything and was generally not well. My uterus was contracting and at 25 weeks I was 4cm, then at 32 5cm, delivered at 35. I had a vaginally delivery, but he was nearly falling out at that point and my risk for DIC was too high to try a section unless there was no other way. Baby had kidney issues, unrelated to me discovered at 18weeks, but now he is a strong 6 year old! He is on the autism spectrum, but has no physical left overs from all of that craziness. I am still on heart meds. I was on 10, but in the last year was able to get that down to only 2 meds! Last year, around this time, I had to have a hysterectomy. I wanted more kids, but I knew I could not naturally conceive them, just the meds we need alone are not compatible with pregnancy or breastfeeding. I had alot of problems with that horrid organ, but was so heart broken to have it taken at 30. I do still cry sometimes. I thought I had worked through the loss of fertility long before the actual parts were missing, perhaps I was holding onto a miracle. It IS hard and your loss IS valid. And of course you love your son, wanting to have more children and mourning that you cannot does not take that away or lessen it even one little bit. So yeah, I just wanted to let you know, your hurt is valid, and you have my understanding and support. Much love to you.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I am so sorry for the loss of your ability to have more children. I am sorry that the birth of Toby was so tramatic. All I can offer is for you to see the positives in this. I know it is difficult to do but it is something to hold onto. Toby will have your full attention. YOu can devote time to your religion. Maybe you can volunteer to serve teaching children in the church. If people ask, you should say that you can not have any more children. I can not offer much, only (((HUGS)))


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