# I am so angry and sad



## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

I am so angry. It has been 13 1/2 months since we lost our Doran at 36w gestation, and I am so mad I want to throw things and kick and scream.

I am angry that my midwife didn't pick up on anything when I had some bleeding during my second trimester. I am angry that she said I was normal when I thought I was very small for my number of weeks. I am so angry that this happened to me (all of us). I am so mad that I didn't go in when I didn't feel him moving because I had heard that they have less room to move around much at that stage of the pregnancy. I am angry at the people who told me everything was fine, and at the radiologist who told me there was no heartbeat in such a cold manner and then left the room.

*sigh*

I just wanted to get that out. Please join me- it feels kinda good. I may just go throw something now.


----------



## babygrant (Mar 10, 2005)

I'm so sorry mama


----------



## UrbanEarthMom (Jul 20, 2004)

You have the right to be angry and sad - you have experienced a terrible tragedy.


----------



## GearGirl (Mar 16, 2005)

I am so sorry to hear about your baby.


----------



## KnitLady (Jul 6, 2006)

Your post brought me to tears. I'm so so so sorry or your loss.


----------



## TwinMom (Dec 27, 2001)

I'm sorry. I couldn't read without posting. It sucks and I wish I could say something to help, but I don't know what that would be. I wish you peace.


----------



## Maela (Apr 2, 2006)

I'm sorry.


----------



## mccelticmom (Aug 6, 2006)

I am so sorry!

I think that I would throw things too. My first child that I lost wasn't as late term as your precious child was, but I did throw things, I still remember every thing about that pregnancy, how the doctor's office called me and said..."you are miscarrying", blah, blah, blah...I'll never forget kneeling on the floor, after throwing things I might add, and have a feeling of a hand on my shoulder. Peace came over me. Who or what that was...I don't know. But I do know that your feelings are valid, you will never forget your sweet child and you will always be angry to a certain point....

Please do something good for yourself. Love yourself, you need it right now! I'm sorry.


----------



## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

I think anger is part of it. I too have been furiously angry at everyone I could think of to blame, myself included.







You have every right to be angry -- it is so unfair to lose a child. I am so sorry that we have to go through this and I am sorry for the loss of your baby.


----------



## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry. It has been over 2.5 yrs for me and I am still angry if I think about it too much. I think it is good to vent and get it out. And this is a safe place to do it. In fact I think I hold it all in too much so here goes.

I am angry at the midwife on call who didn't return my call when I called in to report that I had a high fever and couldn't feel Arawyn moving. I am angry at her for not coming into the hospital like she said she would when I had to go in the next morning. I am angry that she let me lay in a hospital bed for three hours after the ultrasound tech came and went without coming to tell me that my baby had died. I am angry that she ordered the staff to start my delivery without ever coming to inform me that my baby had died. I am angry that the hospital protocol wouldn't allow my nurse to tell me. I am angry that I Dr I didn't even know had to tell me my baby was dead. I am angry that the midwife never even showed her face through my delivery. I am angry that I nearly died from an infection because she left me waiting so long. I am angry that I couldn't hold my daughter right after her delivery because I was too sick. I am angry that I couldn't walk with her, rock her, or bathe her because I was too weak to get out of bed. I am angry that that same midwife is still working and delivering babies and she has never even apologized for what she did to me and my daughter.


----------



## rou16151 (Jun 22, 2006)

I am so, so sorry!!!

My baby girl died when I was 39 weeks. I am angry that I will never know why my baby died - I have to live with "unknown causes". I am angry because the doctors are going to give me "whatever I need" to get through another pregnancy - why did I have to lose a baby to get the care that I (everyone) deserve(s). I am angry because she was my first baby; I will never be able to fully enjoy another pregnancy. I am angry that she would have been the first girl on my side of the family and now my brother's girlfriend is having a girl in a couple of weeks. I am angry because I can't talk about my baby or show her picture off because it will make people feel "uncomfortable". I am angry because I also listened to a lot of people who told me "it's normal for a baby to not move around a lot and I didn't insist on having my doctor check things out. I am angry because I do not even know the color of my own baby girl's eyes. I am angry because I do not even know my own daughter. I am angry because I will never get to do the things that I dreamed about for 39 weeks with her.


----------



## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

today...
i am angry that i will never be able to hear about a pregnancy, see a pregnant woman, see a baby, see a child... without feeling first and formost that huge aching loss.

i am angry that i would really, almost, rather just die and have a chance to be with my daughter than wait out the rest of my life wishing she was here with me. i am angry that my joy in life is so faint.

i am angry that i can't seem to see, to accept, to understand, the 'good things', the lessons and wisdom, that people tell me will come, that come out of losing my baby. i am so angry that i have to spend the rest of my life living with this loss. a new baby is not going to change this. and i am so angry that i can't let this anger go, because maybe this is why i can't seem to have another baby.

and like rou16151, i am angry that i will never know the color of coral's eyes. i hate this.

i am really angry that our small hospital's staff was not trained and no one knew what to do. i was in shock. it was too late. i will never get that time back with her, and she spent her first hours outside of me getting cold, alone. this makes me hate these people so hard i can't even swallow it. why didn't anyone know? didn't anyone who wasn't in shock want to hold her? it makes me sick how we failed her. i failed her, they failed her, and they she lay. alone. i dont know how i can ever let this go. and i am angry that i have to carry that guilt around with me for the rest of my life. i thought the other day that i would happily trade 20 years off my life to hold coral for just 5 minutes more.

thank you maisiedotes. i hide my anger. but it is real, and i don't know how to make it dissipate.


----------



## augustgirl69 (Apr 2, 2005)

HUGS and peace to all of you mama's with such tragic losses. There are no words to express how I feel for all of you - THasnk you for having the courage to write your stories......I wish you peace and calm.....
Blessings
Melynda


----------



## AnneB (Aug 23, 2006)

So often we are encouraged to vent our grief, but so seldom are we encouraged to vent our anger.

You mama's have a right to be angry. Our babies aren't here right now in our arms!

I will never know what Sarah looked like when she smiled. Or if her eyes would turn brown like Piper's or Hazel like Reagan and Bridget's.

I'm angry that every time there was bleeding they told me it was okay as long as I wasn't soaking a pad an hour. In my second trimester!

I'm angry that they lost our tissue sample and we'll never know what caused Sarah's holoprosencephaly.

I'm angry that there's no cure for HPE and that Sarah's was too severe and had too many accomanying diagnoses to allow her a chance at life.

I'm angry that I couldn't fix her. I was her mother! It was my job to give her a place to grow and develop.

Mostly I'm angry that she's not learning to walk right now.

But then, I'm grateful too. That I knew her even for the breif moment. My little shooting star.

And I'm angry that the grief is still so close, and able to flare up and knock me over when I least expect it.


----------

