# Help Me Help My DS Get Used To Gym Child Care



## sugarlumpkin (Dec 20, 2006)

Hi Mamas,

My 17 month old DS has never been to day care. He's always been cared for by me, my DH, or my Mom. We have always treated him with respect and have been raising him using AP principles.

Now, I need to exercise. For 2 reasons: 1) I need to exercise to keep my lung capacity good (had a lung resection in Sept 2007: see signature for more info) and 2) I am overweight and I'd like to lose some of that!

My gym has a very nice child care center. My son hates it so much that today, after only 4 visits, we dropped by to show the place to DH (DH's first visit since I joined the place a week ago) and DS was crying as soon as we walked in the door.

I need to exercise. How can I help my beloved little one get acclimated to this experience? I only need him to be there for an hour. the staff does not just let him cry--they do hold him and stuff and they call me if he cries for more than 10 minutes (they try to console him) they call me. The first day I returned after an hour and they were calling me as I walked through the door. The second day I came back after an hour. The third day I came back after an hour. The fourth day they called me after 45 minutes. He is not always crying when I pick him up, and I take him to the pool, which he LOVES, right after to try to make the negative experience coupled with the positive one but so far that is not working...

Should I back waaaay off and not take him (just go to the pool and not exercise myself) for a week?

Should I take him and leave for only 15 minutes for a week? (and not exercise myself)

Should I just keep doing what I've been doing? Should I try to take him when lots of other kids are there so he is distracted from his sorrow?

Help me! sugarlumpkin


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

Hi. I went through the same thing with DS, who really is super-sensitive or "high-needs". He would not go to anyone else since he was born really. I had to stop going to church because he would scream piteously the whole time, this was as a young baby. The poor nursery attendant would bring him to me after 10 minutes or so every time. I got the bright idea that by working in the nursery I would be able to get him used to it, so we went every Sunday for about 5 months and every time he screamed as though he had never seen the place. He would freak out if I so much as held another child and wanted to cling to me the whole time. It was just too overwhelming to him. I had mixed success with play groups, sometimes he would play a little, but usually would cling to me the whole time. My gym membership sat unused because I couldn't bear putting him in the nursery.

Finally at about 19 months old I decided that I just had to go to the gym. I put him in the nursery every day and have been going for 4 months or so now, 6 days a week for an hour or more. The change in him has been amazing. He is more sociable now at any situation. He can participate in playgroups and at the playground much better than before. He is generally better for the experience I truly believe this.

He cries when we pull up to the gym. He freaks out on the way in more often than not. The nursery employees assure me that he is one of those children who cries for the first 5 minutes, then stops and is able to play the rest of the time. When I come to pick him up, if he doesn't see me he is fine, playing with the other kids or the nursery workers. The moment he sees me he turns on the waterworks. Its not easy. i really feel myself waivering every single time. he cries and I think "Its too hard, maybe we'll just go home", but I make myself look cheerful for him and firmly resolve to go in. Its been good for him and good for me. Any time we have taken a break we both start to feel out of sorts, so while he does fuss I think he really does better with this time to socialize and be away from mommy than without it.

Good luck to you. I really think the key is consistency. Try to go at the same time every day and make it part of your routine. It will get better. I never thought it would with my little guy, but he has!


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## sugarlumpkin (Dec 20, 2006)

Thank you, Heather. The child care workers have told me that he stops crying when I leave...sigh...I cried one day, too so I know what you mean when you say it is hard.









But, yes, it is good for me--in fact, it is necessary!

Just FTR, my ds is a sociable guy. He interacts with visitors to our house, sits in other's laps, does well at playgroups, even "flirts" with people at the gym whom has has met before (the sales guy who showed us around when I was considering joining) and with people whom he has not met before!


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## cotopaxi (Sep 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heatherweh* 
The nursery employees assure me that he is one of those children who cries for the first 5 minutes, then stops and is able to play the rest of the time.

I used to babysit and do fill-in at daycares for tons and tons of families and facilities, and this was very common. They are just pitiful as mama leaves, and sometimes literally when the door would click shut they'd start playing happily. I would keep exercising - it's important for you to stay healthy for you son's sake too.


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## sugarlumpkin (Dec 20, 2006)

So, which of the following options do you think I should take?

1) Should I back waaaay off and not take him (just go to the pool and not exercise myself) for a week?

2) Should I take him and leave for only 15 minutes for a week? (and not exercise myself)

3) Should I try to take him when lots of other kids are there so he is distracted from his sorrow?

4) Should I just keep doing what I've been doing and hope it improves?


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## dawncayden (Jan 24, 2006)

Have you thought about having a babysitter in your home instead of bringing him somewhere? That might help him transition being away from you easier.


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## EKilgore (Dec 18, 2006)

My sis works at a ymca preschool with a "child watch" and she says they are horrible- sure, it's brand new & nice and some of the kids like it, but the ratios are way too high for kids that little. Also, I wouldn't necessarily be comforted by the fact that they stop crying once you leave. They just may have given up. Could you try walking/jogging with a stroller? An exercise video? Some small weights in the living room? I think the child watch set up may be good for an older toddler, perhaps.


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## sugarlumpkin (Dec 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EKilgore* 
My sis works at a ymca preschool with a "child watch" and she says they are horrible- sure, it's brand new & nice and some of the kids like it, but the ratios are way too high for kids that little. Also, I wouldn't necessarily be comforted by the fact that they stop crying once you leave. They just may have given up. Could you try walking/jogging with a stroller? An exercise video? Some small weights in the living room? I think the child watch set up may be good for an older toddler, perhaps.

Well I am sorry to hear your sister works in a place that is understaffed. I have checked out my gym and I am satisfied that the times I choose to go are the times when there are the least children there, so my son can get plenty of personal attention. *In fact, a staff member usually holds him the entire time I am gone.*

As to your suggestion that I walk/jog with him in a stroller: well, I have been doing that for weeks. Now it is too hot and so I have sought out a solution to continue my exercise (which, again, is necessary for my lungs). The best solution I could come up with was joining a gym, where there is air conditioning. The gym also has a pool, which my ds LOVES, so it would be nice for my entire family if he could be helped to adjust to staying at the child care center for *ONE HOUR*. I am a devoted mother, willing to do almost anything for my beloved child, but yes, I am allowed to give myself ONE HOUR 5 times a week to exercise. I have LUNG CANCER and I need to exercise.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

I think it's actually a good sign that he stops crying when you leave. I don't think young toddlers give up so easy, y'know?

It may be that, over time, he will adjust better. Toddlers are all about routine, and it can take up to a month for something to become routine to them. So I'd go with option 4 for now.


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## cotopaxi (Sep 17, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sugarlumpkin* 
So, which of the following options do you think I should take?

1) Should I back waaaay off and not take him (just go to the pool and not exercise myself) for a week?

2) Should I take him and leave for only 15 minutes for a week? (and not exercise myself)

3) Should I try to take him when lots of other kids are there so he is distracted from his sorrow?

4) Should I just keep doing what I've been doing and hope it improves?

I'd say either 3 or 4 - does he seem distracted by the other kids? If so, can't hurt to try that, as long as there's still enough staff to hold him if that's what he wants.


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## cyndimo (Jul 20, 2005)

I had the same problem with my DS and made a concerted effort when he was about your son's age to get him to like the Y with HUGE success.

Here's what I did:
I planned for this process to take about 3-4 weeks (and it did)
1. I planned to go to the gym as close to every week-day, as close to the same time every day as I could, in order to get him used to the consistent staff and consistent getting-ready-to-leave-home routine. Also, this allowed him to get used to the same kids (to the extent possible in a drop-in center).
2. First, I would go to the gym and hang out in Kid's Corner and play with him and all the toys. We'd stay maybe 15 min, until he was having a good time. We did this for a few days and he got to see that it was a place that I thought was fun!
3. Then, we would go and I would stay, but I would not play with him. I encouraged him to play with the staff or other kids. Again, we'd stay 15 min and he would usually end up having fun.
4. After a few days of that, then we'd go and I would sit until he was playing and I'd go tell him that I'll be right back. I'd go outside for maybe 3 min (go to the bathroom or something) and come back. Once he was good with 3 min, I worked my way up to 10 gradually.
5. At that point, I then started to actually exercise. The first time I did a whole 45 min and came back to get him on my schedule! I was totally psyched and thought I was a genius!







The next time, they came to get me after 15 min. Then it was 30 and then I could come back at my leisure. Now, I use the whole 1.5 hours - I exercise and take a shower! WOO-HOO!

A few thoughts on timing, etc:
- DS doesn't like it when the other children cry or there's too much going on, so we like to go when it's queiter. (Harder time to find, now that it's summer and school's out.)
- There is a kid's program called Y Kids that DS does not want to go to, but it used to stress him out when they'd pull the other children out of the child watch. So, I worked our schedule so that we were either gone when Y Kids started, or got there after the kids who did participate were already out of the room.
- If there's a particular staff member that your DS likes, find out their schedule and try to go when they are there.
- After going regularly in the morning, I tried to go once in the afternoon and he hated it. He only knew about half the staff, and there were a ton of older kids, since it was after school hours. It was much better when he was solidly in the middle of the age-range (approx 2-3yo, when all the other kids range from several weeks to maybe 5yrs)
Also, I always say good bye to DS and tell him that I will be back. If you sneak out and he looks around to find you gone, he won't trust you and he'll become super-clingy!

I do think that your option 1 has some merit, but you might find that if you do that, the first time you go to the gym and don't head right to the pool, your life will be pretty miserable.

Our happy ending is that DS LOVES the gym now! He asks to go every day, including weekends. He has a crush on one of the child care workers and will tell us "When you fall down, Miss Emily gives you a hug!" So, he's a little disappointed when she's not working.

Good luck!
Cyndi


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## pghgranola (Jun 22, 2007)

could you go to the gym when your DH is home, so your DS can stay with him?

if not, you mentioned that DS is comfortable with your mom....could she stay with him at your home or her home, while you go to the gym?

like you, i used to walk outside with the jogging stroller. but now that summer is here, i bought some gym equipment (yard sales, craigslist, and thrift stores) and set up a mini-gym in the basement. i spent less than 150 bucks. we put down a play rug for dd (21 months) and hauled down some of her toys and books. she is content for the hour or so i am down there every day. she likes to play with the exercise ball. LOL

one of my friends has a leaky basement, so she didn't want to put gym equipment down there. she bought a small AC and a fold-down piece of equipment for her bedroom. her son plays on the bed while she works out. and she's nice and cool.

just some other options for you.


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## Ophelia (Feb 16, 2005)

:

I'm glad you asked about this, we are having the same issue. DS has been in the gym daycare a few times. Recently he did fine, but the last time we tried taking him he cried like he was never going to see us again as soon as we got in the door. We would either have to resort to going separately while one of us stays home with DS (waste of gas, even though gym is not that far) or me just staying home and not exercising









I don't think they will let a parent stay with the child in the play area until he gets used to it, but I will ask. He is in daycare but has also gotten clingy when I drop him off (again, it had stopped for a while).


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## crwilson (Mar 13, 2007)

I would go with option 4. I've tried all sorts of permutations for dd, and ultimately, it just took time for her to get used to it. Exercise is necessary for health, and you don't need to explain yourself or feel guilty for taking care of your needs too. You're clearly a wonderful mom who is concerned with the well being of your lo. I've actually found it harder, not easier, to exercise with her now that she's older. I don't like our gym daycare, so I have a babysitter come in, but some gym daycares are great - it sounds like you found one of the good ones, so I'd stick with that.

Consistency has been key for us - it becomes part of the routine. Also, she still cries whenever I leave, even if she's with dp, who does half of the caregiving. She cries when dp leaves. But she stops as soon as the door closes.

Good luck - and good job taking care of your needs too!


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## devster4fun (Jan 28, 2007)

Very interesting thread, as I would like to do the same thing. (I SAH, and my Mom watches her when I work very PT. DH and a few friends are her only regular caregivers/friends)

I'll be honest...I tried exactly what you're describing at the same age. It just didn't work for us. I probably gave up too soon, but she was so miserable. They have the 10 min rule as well, I have yet to make it past that mark. (Or to that mark, since I think 10 minutes of hysterical crying is too long for my DD)

DD does very well in her play and music class, interacts, separates from me to follow the teacher and play. She's generally a reserved toddler (vs. others I observe) I've seen her need up to 15-30 minutes to adjust and get comfortable with a new situation. So, I'm careful to give her that time whenever possible.

I'm wondering if it's an age thing? I'm considering trying the gym out again, as she's 26 months. She understands just about anything I explain to her, if it's basic.

IMHO, this issue is critical for your overall survival, which is the best thing for your children. You're setting an amazing example, which your son will thank you for someday....


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

I pick option 4 as well. I too have tried gong less frequently or for less time and really it doesn't make an appreciable difference, as a matter of fact going the same amount of time at the same time daily with very little variation seems to be easiest for DS to adjust too. Then its part of the schedule.

FTR I wasn't implying that your LO was shy or had social anxiety, I only mentioned that mine did because I really feel like if he can get used to it any kid can. It isn't just about the nursery, it is about how it has set him up to be more social and have less anxiety in a number of different situations. If we went to a birthday party before for example, he would cower in the corner or cling to me, now he will go right in and start playing with the toys at least, if not the other kids. 

I know its not easy, I am a pushover for DS completely and can't stand to have him cry. I really feel that going to the gym has been good for both of us. Some mamas feel differently, but I think 23 hours a day with DS as opposed to 24 is still totally acceptable and conducive to AP. My friend told me once not to feel guilty for feeling that I need time to myself and I try to remember this, it helps keep me sane to get a gym workout or a nice movie night sometimes.


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## caedmyn (Jan 13, 2006)

I'd choose #3 or 4. I worked in a Sunday school class for a long time, and saw quite a few kids (ages 6 months to just over 2) who would be hysterical when the parents dropped them off, and then were fine within 5 minutes. There were a very few kids over the years who would cry the entire time for weeks, and frankly now that I'm a parent I wouldn't be comfortable allowing my DD to do this, but they were a small minority of the total kids. So I think as long as the overall daycare situation is caring and your DS is generally happy once you're gone, it's fine to leave him there.

My DD is very clingy and we've had some trouble taking her to Sunday school classes. I've sat through a couple because she got really upset when I left, and then I started sending her lovey, a big stuffed pig, in with her. She seems to do fine now, even when we moved and started sending her to a different Sunday school class, as long as she has the pig with her. I've also had quite a few comments from her teachers about how much more comfortable she was once she'd been going for a couple of months...sometimes it just takes time for young kids to adjust to a new situation. Anyhow, if your DS has a lovey or a favorite toy, you might see if you can send that with him and see if it helps. I also try to slip out while DD's distracted so she doesn't get started crying--she has trouble stopping once she starts so I try to avoid that if at all possible.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

This is so hard. I tried and tried, too.

My suggestion is that since exercise is critically important to your health, that you find a way for that to happen without trying the gym daycare. For example, buy a treadmill and exercise at night after the kids go to bed. Go by yourself when your mother can care for him at home.

The reasons for my suggestion: I tried gym daycare for years, and finally, finally, I have given up. All that did was torture me and make me choose gyms based on childcare I would never use.

Another reason is that today, at our latest gym selected because of the childcare, I saw a staff member chew out a child in front of parents for the third time. That tells me a lot about why kids are afraid of gym childcare. In general, there are lots of strange kids and the staff is not well trained.

So -- here I am, paying $110 a month for a gym when there are great gyms across the street for $20 a month. I chose that gym for the childcare, and, once again, I am not comfortable leaving my kids there.

If I just faced the fact that I am not going to be comfortable with any childcare at gyms, then I would have made other arrangements long, long ago and I might even be working out at home.

So -- just my two cents. I feel that my optimism has gotten in my way.


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## sugarlumpkin (Dec 20, 2006)

I should mention that my mother lives 500 miles away, so her watching him for me to go to the gym is not an option. She came to live with us during surgery and chemo because we had no other good options. I wish she lived closer!

Gym equipment in the home: we own a nice elliptical machine. I can't use it when my ds is around because he wants to get on it with me!









Exercising when my DP is home to watch DS: well, I suppose I could do this, but then I give up my only time to hang out with my husband! That does not seem like a good, family-friendly solution.

heatherweh: I did not think you were trying to imply that my son was shy or what have you, but you brought up a good point and I wanted to clarify. And yes, I did get the message that if your son can do it, so can mine, thanks!


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## cyndimo (Jul 20, 2005)

I had a few other thoughts about what worked for us (and others at our gym), FWIW...
- I would take DS into the daycare in his stroller and actually park the stroller inside the daycare room (instead of the stroller parking area they have just outside.) I think that his thought process was something like "Well... I know she won't forget about the stroller, so as long as it's here, I know she'll come back!"
- Some other kids did really well if they were actually left in the stroller and got out when they chose. It was as though the stroller was a bit of a home-base for them.

For us, the whole experience has been helpful to convince DS that "Mommy ALWAYS comes back!" (Sort of, how can you miss me if I never get to leave?)

Good luck!
Cyndi


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## pghgranola (Jun 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sugarlumpkin* 
Gym equipment in the home: we own a nice elliptical machine. I can't use it when my ds is around because he wants to get on it with me!









could you use it during naptime? i find i can accomplish A LOT during naptime.









or, when your hubby is home, could he play with your DS in the same room, while you use the elliptical?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sugarlumpkin* 
Exercising when my DP is home to watch DS: well, I suppose I could do this, but then I give up my only time to hang out with my husband! That does not seem like a good, family-friendly solution.

if your hubby is only home for an hour or so everyday, maybe you could just go to the gym solo, when he's home, once or twice a week. or maybe do that on the weekend?

do something different everyday. variety is the spice of life. plus, then it won't get boring!









you could also do some early morning mall walking. most malls allow people to mall walk before all the stores open. some of the mall walkers, in our mall, leave me in their dust!

of course, you can also walk _during_ mall hours. but for me, that's too tempting!









or walking outside, early in the morning or later in the evening, to beat the heat. are there any mommy walking clubs in your area?

i think someone mentioned an exercise video. you could do that during naptime. or even when DS is up. let him "exercise" too!









exercising can be done nearly anywhere. sometimes you just have to be creative when you have little ones.









*for me*, i would try to exhaust every option before using the gym day care, if it was causing my baby stress from separation. yk?


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## Eben'sMama (Jun 29, 2006)

Thanks for starting this thread, sugarlumpkin. I'm looking for advice about this, too. DS2 (10.5 mos) just doesn't seem ready, and I really need to work out.









OTOH, DS1 (26 mos) loooves it. I think it's all the plastic toys (we have none at home) and all the other kids that he loves.


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## greeny (Apr 27, 2007)

Since he stops crying after you leave, and considering how vital the exercise time is for you, I think you should go with option #4. Keep doing it and hope it gets better.

Good luck to you!


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## kkfum (Aug 14, 2005)

i think if he's not crying the whole time, he's probably fine and you should just trust your mama instincts...

i had a similar circumstance...except my dd was almost 2 1/2 at the time. it worked okay the first few times and then it became increasingly difficult...she is very bothered by loud noises/lots of people and the place sometimes gets a bit crazy. she doesn't like to play with/or near other kids yet, even at playgroup when i'm there with her. the first few times she was mesmerized with their doll collection..but it didn't last long.

i was so lucky to find a wonderful caretaker there, though, who was very calm and soft-spoken, who basically spent the whole time with dd. but, i found myself rushing through my exercise, worried at how upset she was.
the last straw was when i was finished with my 30 minute bout on the treadmill and heard my name on the loudspeaker. i got there and she was sobbing. i just couldn't do it to her anymore and i wasn't enjoying my workouts and knew that there would be no way to work out more than 30 minutes at a time...so no weight training.

so, now i go 2 nights/week and on saturdays. on the nights i go, dh comes home, feeds her dinner and puts her to bed. i leave for the gym right when he gets home...about 7pm. i work out for an hour and LOVE the time to myself! and i feel great and am even working with a fitness coach. i usually get home before dh comes back up from putting her to sleep, since it takes her so long anyway. but, even if it didn't take her so long to sleep, i would definitely sacrifice that time seeing dh (and he agrees). it's well worth it because it makes the time we have together more quality time because i feel better.

just my experience...good luck...exercise is sooo important. i'm sure you'll find a way that works for all of you.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

*3) Should I try to take him when lots of other kids are there so he is distracted from his sorrow?*

This one.


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## greeba (Nov 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ophelia* 







:

I don't think they will let a parent stay with the child in the play area until he gets used to it, but I will ask. He is in daycare but has also gotten clingy when I drop him off (again, it had stopped for a while).

Our gym allows this. It takes twice as long but we both get to exercise this way. My DS starts sobbing as soon as we leave.


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## Swirly (May 20, 2006)

Around 18 months is a typical age for separation anxiety to peak like never before. At that age, my baby who previously would go joyfully to nursery 1x per week for church started refusing to go. I did not push it, as I feel her feelings are ery important. It meant I missed curch for about 8 months. now, she is happy to go again.

If I were you, for now I would find another way to exercise and respect his wishes to be cared for my you or dad. It will pass in time.


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## snt88 (May 9, 2007)

I just found this thread, and being in a very similar situation, I thought I would revive it.

I'm not a gym person, but NEED to get more exercise. DD will no longer sit in the stroller, the backpack, or wear her bike helment (so no bike rides). DH is at work all the time recently. I'm getting REALLY cranky and depressed...dd is 21 months old...21 months of not enough exercise! So, dh and I decided that dd and I should join a gym.

The first time we went to the gym we just hung out in baby sitting together.

Times 2-4 I left for 10-15 minutes and she cried most of the time.

Then we tried going with dh, on a day he had off, and he hung out with her in babysitting for half an hour while I did a couple of things.

I'm feeling really guilty about the whole situation. DD looks frantic when I leave. But I don't know what to do. I could get a little bit of exercise during nap time, but that's when I clean the house and get ready for the class I teach, and I don't know when else I'd do that. I can't exercise at night because then I can't get to sleep. Aah! Any thoughts?


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## Bkwyrm (Apr 18, 2005)

We're in much the same situation - the answer for me was to take her to the gym child care often enough that she got used to it. It's a new environment, with new people, which is scary for a little person, but this was something I needed to do. She's learned to enjoy the different toys and different people, and I get my workout in. I have to be sure she's eaten and has gotten her nap in, though, so that she's in a happy mood and ready to play. A few times, she's been tired or really unhappy and they've called me to come and get her. Most of the time, though, she has a good time with the other kids and the caregivers. It took a while to get to that point, and the only way we got to that point was by going often enough for her to remember it from week to week, and remember that I always come and get her after an hour or so.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

I guess I have to lean with the minority on this one. My dd is 33 months and still just WAY not ready for the gym childcare/ church nursery/ being away from mom or dad. Yes, we've tried and yes, we'll continue to try in the future- knowing that someday she will be ready. Until then I feel strongly about respecting her feelings (the staff and kids at our gym-and even at our church this summer- are inconsistent enough that I don't really think it's fair to expect her to feel secure about staying with what amount to strangers every time) and working to find a solution that will best serve all of us. For the time being I've been labelling naptime as work-out time for myself. We haven't bought any equipment yet, other than an exercise ball and handweights, but I feel that I'm getting a really decent workout by doing low-impact cardio (marching, kicking, dancing in place) for a half hour and then doing strength training for another half hour (I checked out some tv series on dvd from the library and really enjoy watching that while I workout- it makes it a treat that I look forward to) This has been FANTASTIC!! Combined with calorie counting, I've lost 6 lbs in about a month and a half, and I love that it keeps our mornings free to do neat things together (dd isn't in the mood for outings after nap, so mornings are our best time to actualy get out- I'm glad that I'm not trading all of our neat experiences for just working out every day- but maybe other kids have different stamina)

I guess I just have a hard time with what my dd might be thinking and feeling if I was to leave her, against her will, with people whom she doesn't know VERY well and feel very comfortable with. I also don't like the unstated implication that adult caregivers are interchangeable-- while I don't want to raise her to be fearful, I don't want her to automatically have blind trust in adults that our family hasn't interacted with a lot.

If the gym staff were extremely consistent and I felt like there was NO other way for me to workout at home, etc., then I'd go with her every day to help her know the individuals and make it feel like a safe place for her before startinmg to leave for very short periods at a time. I, personally, would feel very uncomfortable about her crying for 10 minutes with relative strangers. I think that could be a somewhat traumatic expereince (at least I know that I wouldn't like to be a child in that position)


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