# Visiting the gravesite?



## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Since today marks two months since my daughter's passing, I was thinking of going to her gravesite.
I feel horrible saying this, but I haven't been there since we took flowers on the day she would've been a month old. It's just too hard. I sat in the car hyperventilating and crying hysterically while DP and the kids got out and went over to see her. I sat there horrified, looking at the fresh grave and it made me sick to my core that my baby was down there. I feel like I should be there more for her, but I think if I go I might just curl up on top of her grave and cry myself to death. Maybe if I cried enough, my tears would reach her.
How often do you ladies go and visit your babies? Do you do it on a specific day (day of birth, day of death, day of burial?) I want my kids to always remember they had a little sister and although we do talk alot about her and my oldest dd remembers her, visiting her resting place somehow makes it more "real."


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## Seedlings (Dec 20, 2007)

I am so sorry for your pain. Your grief is so real and raw I can feel it from your post. I do know that you have to grieve and feel all this unbearable pain in order to start to heal. It is just so different from person to person. When I went to a support group some people really struggled with visiting the grave site. I think it depends on where your at in your morning. At some point people came to feel at peace there. I am sorry and







. Be gentle with yourself and I pray you find some peace.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so sorry.
We cremated Dresden, so we don't have a specific place to visit.. but I can tell you a little story from my aunt. Her son lived for 3 years, he had downs syndrome and many of the 'bad' things that go along with it, and he died from those complications. They were told that he would not live a long life, and they actually already had his funeral set up before he died.







I talked to my aunt a few years ago because I'd gone to his grave, and the first time I went, he'd been gone for 10 years.. I was overcome with emotion, and sobbed all the way home. She told me that she still has a hard time going there, and doesn't go often because she STILL (15 years later) feels like she wants to dig up his body and bring him home with her. It's just plain hard to experience the death of your child. Things will get easier for you, time helps with that, but I think we all will have a bit of sorrow in our hearts forever.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I haven't been to Lachlan's grave since his funeral (6 weeks ago). I plan to go on Friday, because that was his due date. I've also found it too painful and overwhelming to be able to go there.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

It took me a long time to go back to Josie's grave again after she was gone. We went there on the day of her funeral and then I took my mother there about two weeks later and just lost it. Then, I didn't go back again until Thanksgiving, when I sat in my car just by her grave and played her a beautiful collection of acapella Shaker hymns across the graveyard and really cried a _lot_.

I do believe I went there again on Christmas day. After that, not until probably March or April. Just now, we've gotten into a routine of going by there and saying hello to Josie as a family about once a week, if not twice a week. But now the earth has closed over and there's not too much evidence left of her burial any more. A little, but not a lot. So it took a while. Now, the kids want to go see her and we just recently brought new flowers to the grave.

So don't feel bad about not visiting. It's bad enough that our babies are there to begin with. Coming to terms with that will take a while. For me, I think it has to do with waiting until I know her body has gone away completely. Then, it got easier.

It's not something that any person is supposed to be able to easily deal with.

*HUGE hugs* mama - you're a good mama. XXX


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

we went to visit Noah's grave about every 2 weeks after he died.. sometimes every week... I don't know why but I felt more at peace when I was by his grave.. as soon as we would leave I felt like I was going to fall apart....

after a few months of this our trips to his grave dwindled off.. now we go for his Birthday and Christmas.. and sometimes a few other times during the year


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## txgirl963 (May 27, 2008)

I buried my baby about 4 hours away from where I live, but she's with the rest of my family, so I would probably go see her more often now if I could. But I know after the funeral it was about 4 weeks before I went and saw her again and it was very hard. Now when I go, I take a camp chair and spend several hours, just sitting and remembering. It is difficult.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Many, many hugs, mama.







: I'm sure it would be extremely difficult and emotional for me if we didn't decide to have Duncan cremated.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

My little fellow is cremated and his urn is on a shelf in my bedroom.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

you poor thing, i understand the hyperventilating and hysterical crying. we only buried our sweet matthew this afternoon. my plan is to go weekly but i have no idea what will really happen.

for me personally, in the 12 days that i have been on this path, i have found over and over that when presented with a situation that makes me feel horrified and hysterical, i feel better when i push through and experience the terrible pain. every time in this last 12 days, i have felt better afterward.

now if my thinking doesn't apply to your situation, i apologize. i'm only trying to be helpful. if you truly just don't wish to visit the graveside right now, then that's ok. (((hugs)))


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## Just Elsa (May 18, 2009)

Gravesites are not for the departed, they are for those left behind. If that spot brings you peace or comfort, go. If not, I promise you, you love her no less for doing so elsewhere. She does not gain anything from you being *there* and it sounds like right now it would cost you and your surviving children a lot. Grieve in the way that best helps you and your family heal, not in the way you think you "ought" to.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

oh my goodness, what just elsa wrote is so true. i agree wholeheartedly. i'm sorry if what i wrote was completely off the mark. (((Hugs)))


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## KeyToMamasHeart (May 1, 2009)

i went a few days ago, 9 weeks after the funeral. there's no marker yet so right now there's just a little cement peg about the size of a large coffee mug that says "34". i HATE that.
it was hard, i cried the whole time, i'm planning to go back and bring some ruby red flowers when i know the marker is in place so i can feel more at peace cause i'll be looking at her name not some stupid plot number.

the last two posts above me said it perfectly i think


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## 2sweetboysmom (Aug 1, 2006)

There is a lot of wisdom here from these mamas.

For me it took nearly 2 months after the funeral before I was ready to go back, and that first time was really tough. Michael still has no marker (just when I think we have saved up enough money something comes up







) so technically I am not supposed to leave flowers but I usually bring a rose or two anyhow.
I live in southern Calif but do not count it as my forever home, so I chose to have him burried in central california in a cemetery where I have a lot of family already. It is a 4ish hour drive with no stops so I don't get there as often as I would if he were closer, but I try to get up ther every six weeks or so. I definately plan on visiting close to what would have been his due date.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

My son is buried in my home country, 1/2 a world away from me.







When we knew he had died, I had to go home because we are sort of nomadic & I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my son in a country that wasn't home.

I am going home next week & visiting his grave is one of the first things I'll do. I cannot go with anyone though. For me it is a very solitary activity. The cemetary worker guy put a nice bench near his grave & the cemetary itself is very peaceful. I have to go alone because the idea of small talk makes my skin crawl. I just sit and think and cry. Our cemetary is in the country so occasionally you see bunnies or cats wandering thru which to me (a country girl) is comforting.

My parents go at least every other week, which means a lot to me. I hate the ideas of flowers dying, so they go and tend to the plants for me. For now, I need there to be life at his gravesite all the time.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard going to the grave because our little ones should be in our arms. For me it is very important I visit my son's grave as often as I can. Fortunately we don't live far from the cemetary. We take our girls and talk about each of our little ones. Even though I know he isn't there it is where I go to connect more w/him and each of my little ones. I no longer have his room as we've had to make room for his siblings so I feel it is his special place. But I agree w/Elsa. If it's too much for you to go then don't feel like you are 'suppose' to. Your little one knows you love her. Try not to feel guilty..there is no right or wrong to any of this.


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