# 9mo DS cries to get what he wants...



## JaneSmith1010 (Apr 22, 2007)

So when 9 mo DS cries and yells when I put him down what do I do? Do I let him cry, do I pick him back up? Is 9 mo old enough to discipline or do I still tell him no and distract him from what he wants?


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

IMO, the earlier you get in the habit of reserving your no's for really serious stuff, the better. At 9 months old you can probably begin saying..."oh, you want *up*? Use your words, say *up*." and then picking them up (whether they actually say up or not)....but if you're in the middle of doing something else, just try distracting without actually saying no and if that doesn't work, then just pick them up!


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

He's still an infant so his behavior is totally appropriate for that. You can certainly pick him back up, or try and be with him on the floor if that makes him happy, etc. He is much too young for any kind of "discipline" IMO.


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## graye_pearl (Oct 14, 2006)

is your ds crying only because you put him down? if so, pick him back up. do you have a sling or wrap? if you don't, i suggest you get one









if you absolutely cannot pick him up (maybe you're cooking with hot oil or something), but nothing else seems to be wrong (hungry, sleepy, diaper) perhaps you can give him a toy to play with that can entertain him. If that doesn't work (he's still crying) by all means, stop what your doing and pick him up.

ignoring the cry would be wrong - your baby is crying for a good reason, whatever the reason may be.


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## lolalola (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jhow32000* 
So when 9 mo DS cries and yells when I put him down what do I do? Do I let him cry, do I pick him back up? Is 9 mo old enough to discipline or do I still tell him no and *distract him from what he wants?*

Well...what does he want? What is it you are telling him no for?

Yes, 9 mos old is too young to "discipline", if that's what you're asking.


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## MiamiMami (Feb 1, 2005)

Oh Mama, you are making an issue out of something that is totally age appropriate.

Pick him up, talk to him, tell him what you are doing, where you are going etc. He's trying really hard to communicate, so he cries or shrieks.

My 8 month old ds is fond of tensing up and bucking wildly when he wants me to do something different.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

It's hard at this age. You can't even pee without them panicking that they can't see you. What I have done (I'm a mom of 3) is to reassess whatever it is that I think is so important that I can't pick up my crying baby. Normally, it's dirty dishes, or a messy whatever. Then, I allow myself to let those things go and find a way to connect with my baby. It's hard to do that if you are used to being able to keep a clean house and pee by yourself. At that age, I usually just kept the babies in a sling and even peed with baby in a sling. I would bathe (loooong bath) when my dh was home to help. Any complaints from him about the messy house would end in my taking an even longer bath and maybe a dinner out with a good friend







Then, he would see that it was impossible to clean the house and he would appreciate me for all my wonderfulness.

As for telling the baby "no". It's really hard with your first child to see them for the small babies that they are. We tend to grow them up fast. He is curios, obviously, and that's a good thing. When he's reaching for stuff all the time, tell yourself "oh, good, he's smart and curious" Looking at it from a different angle helps to see it for what it is...growth! He's going to taste stuff, get into stuff, knock things over, bite (especially when teething) and do all kinds of things that are annoying. But all of those things are good because you don't want a zombie baby who just sits, stares off into space and drools all the time, right?

On another note. When you're getting frustrated, make sure that the baby is fed and not sleepy...or wet, which is more obvious.

Someday, you won't believe that you expected so much from a 9mo! I know, I've been there.
Lisa


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jhow32000* 
9 mo DS cries to get what he wants

Yep, good for him! He's communicating his needs to you, and since he's preverbal, crying is his method of communication. Just respond to his needs (a sling would be a great idea so that you can carry him hands-free). 9 months is WAY to young for discipline of the sort you're describing.


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## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

I agree with the suggestions to sling your baby. Signing also helped us around that age. It was much easier for me to respond to sign language from my baby then it was to respond to crying. It took the guess work out of it, as he could let me know specifically what he needed. We had only a few simple signs for things like "up, all done, more, eat, milk, etc."


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

I think some of the above replies are a little harsh. Many parents feel confused about how to respond to babies, especially if they're being told by other people (or society at large) that babies are crying to "manipulate" parents or that we have to teach them to be more "independent", etc.

To the OP, it's absolutely true that crying _is_ the way 9 month olds communicate their needs. When you respond to his crying, you're teaching him that he has the ability to tell you something, and that he can trust you to help him get what he needs. I don't think there's any need to distract him from what he wants/needs - that could teach him that his wants/needs are unimportant. Not the message we want to send to our children.

9 mos is a peak time for separation anxiety and many children are extra-clingy or needy during this time. They're just starting to form some important concepts - like the idea that you still exist after you put him down and walk away (object permanence) - and the idea that he can call you and get you to come back (cause and effect). He's also learning that when he makes vocal sounds, they have an effect on the people around him. These concepts are all vital for his upcoming language development and further cognitive development. You're doing him a huge FAVOR by responding positively to him! Parents who ignore their child's cries/needs in the name of teaching them "independence" are actually neglecting their children and preventing them from experimenting with these cognitive skills, whether or not they intend to (most do it out of love, but they're sadly misinformed).

I agree with the recommendation for a sling or mei tai, if you don't already have a baby carrier. The babywearing forum here is a great place to get some recommendations. At 9 mos many babies love seeing the world from mama's hip or back. It would meet his needs, meet your needs to have your hands free, and would give him the added bonus of getting to see more of the world in action, and hear you narrate it for him (also great for cognitive/language development).

Hang in there! This can be an exhausting phase, but it's worth staying attached!


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

Of course he cries - that's what babies do!


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

My 9 mo old DS does this sometimes and I just pick him back up or I sit on the floor and play with him for a bit. If I can't sit with him at the moment I just put him in the wrap and carry him around with me, which he really likes. I really think it's just the age, because usually DS is content to play by himself. That's OK though, it's perfectly normal. As pp said, he's just trying to communicate with you.


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## kkeris (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jhow32000* 
So when 9 mo DS cries and yells when I put him down what do I do? Do I let him cry, do I pick him back up? Is 9 mo old enough to discipline or do I still tell him no and distract him from what he wants?

From what I am reading from your post, if I am not mistaken, he is crying because you put him down because he wants to be carried/held? You are worried about 'spoiling' him if you 'give in' to his need to be close?

If the above is right, then I'd say carry him, hold him close and enjoy it as much as you can/want to. You will NOT 'spoil' him by loving/carrying/responding too much to him. If anything, you will be telling him that his needs matters to you, that he can trust you to respond to him, and you'll be building a bond so deep and lasting. No child should ever be 'disciplined' for wanting to be close to his mama, not 9mths, not 9 yo. I held and slinged my DD all the time and everywhere I went when she was that little, and never regreted a single moment. If I could turn back time (she is 3 and I am SO missing her littleness), I'll hold her even more, not sure how that is possible.









So go ahead and enjoy being close to your little one before he gets too big.


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

Overall, when an infant cries to get something he wants but doesn't desparately need, you either give it to them or distract them with something else. "Discipline" as in teaching things is fine, but there's nothing to punish even if you did punish your child at some point when they aren't doing a thing wrong. Even as a toddler, we got my son a shirt that says "I tried to be good but I got bored" it's cute but its also a good reminder for me.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hubris* 
Many parents feel confused about how to respond to babies, especially if they're being told by other people (or society at large) that babies are crying to "manipulate" parents or that we have to teach them to be more "independent", etc.

To the OP, it's absolutely true that crying _is_ the way 9 month olds communicate their needs. When you respond to his crying, you're teaching him that he has the ability to tell you something, and that he can trust you to help him get what he needs. I don't think there's any need to distract him from what he wants/needs - that could teach him that his wants/needs are unimportant. Not the message we want to send to our children.

9 mos is a peak time for separation anxiety and many children are extra-clingy or needy during this time. They're just starting to form some important concepts - like the idea that you still exist after you put him down and walk away (object permanence) - and the idea that he can call you and get you to come back (cause and effect). He's also learning that when he makes vocal sounds, they have an effect on the people around him. These concepts are all vital for his upcoming language development and further cognitive development. You're doing him a huge FAVOR by responding positively to him! Parents who ignore their child's cries/needs in the name of teaching them "independence" are actually neglecting their children and preventing them from experimenting with these cognitive skills, whether or not they intend to (most do it out of love, but they're sadly misinformed).

I agree with the recommendation for a sling or mei tai, if you don't already have a baby carrier. The babywearing forum here is a great place to get some recommendations. At 9 mos many babies love seeing the world from mama's hip or back. It would meet his needs, meet your needs to have your hands free, and would give him the added bonus of getting to see more of the world in action, and hear you narrate it for him (also great for cognitive/language development).

Hang in there! This can be an exhausting phase, but it's worth staying attached!


Quote:


Originally Posted by *kkeris* 
From what I am reading from your post, if I am not mistaken, he is crying because you put him down because he wants to be carried/held? You are worried about 'spoiling' him if you 'give in' to his need to be close?

If the above is right, then I'd say carry him, hold him close and enjoy it as much as you can/want to. You will NOT 'spoil' him by loving/carrying/responding too much to him. If anything, you will be telling him that his needs matters to you, that he can trust you to respond to him, and you'll be building a bond so deep and lasting. No child should ever be 'disciplined' for wanting to be close to his mama, not 9mths, not 9 yo. I held and slinged my DD all the time and everywhere I went when she was that little, and never regreted a single moment. If I could turn back time (she is 3 and I am SO missing her littleness), I'll hold her even more, not sure how that is possible.









So go ahead and enjoy being close to your little one before he gets too big.









I agree with these excellent replies.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

A 9 mo old is too young to discipline, in my opinion. You can go through the motions to practice and get in the habit, if you want, which is what I sort of did, but he won't be old enough to understand for quite a while.


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## JaneSmith1010 (Apr 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolalola* 
Well...what does he want? What is it you are telling him no for?

Yes, 9 mos old is too young to "discipline", if that's what you're asking.

Oh, no I'm sorry for the miscommunication. I don't tell him no when he cries to be picked back up. That was a general question about child discipline.


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## JaneSmith1010 (Apr 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sledg* 
I agree with these excellent replies.

Thank you. Great information.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

If a mom's gotta pee, a mom's gotta pee. When my babes were clingy I'd bring them in the bathroom with me (or they'd follow), set them down to sit on the floor, and talk to them. Sometimes they cried, but I was right there and when I was done I held them again. Sometimes they weren't in the bathroom with me, maybe they were playing happily and I left them playing-I would tell them I was going to the bathroom and would be right back, if they cried I would just call out to tell them where I was and that I would be right back (kept up voice contact to reassure them). Eventually this stage passed.

As for showers, I tried to time them for when dh was still home in the morning, during naptime, during a time when baby was rested, fed and happy to play on the floor for 5-10 minutes, or in the evening when dh was home. Some days I didn't shower. If I was in the shower and baby began to cry, I'd sing and talk until I was done (and I'd hurry)-sometimes this would be enough and baby would stop crying, other times baby cried until I was out and singing/talking was just let them know I was there.

I found that at this age, life was all about supervision, baby-proofing, distraction, good planning, and using a sling.


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sledg* 
If a mom's gotta pee, a mom's gotta pee. When my babes were clingy I'd bring them in the bathroom with me (or they'd follow), set them down to sit on the floor, and talk to them. Sometimes they cried, but I was right there and when I was done I held them again. Sometimes they weren't in the bathroom with me, maybe they were playing happily and I left them playing-I would tell them I was going to the bathroom and would be right back, if they cried I would just call out to tell them where I was and that I would be right back (kept up voice contact to reassure them). Eventually this stage passed.

As for showers, I tried to time them for when dh was still home in the morning, during naptime, during a time when baby was rested, fed and happy to play on the floor for 5-10 minutes, or in the evening when dh was home. Some days I didn't shower. If I was in the shower and baby began to cry, I'd sing and talk until I was done (and I'd hurry)-sometimes this would be enough and baby would stop crying, other times baby cried until I was out and singing/talking was just let them know I was there.

I found that at this age, life was all about supervision, baby-proofing, distraction, good planning, and using a sling.

Yes, if I had to go into another room or put her down to deal with the stove or something like that, I would respond to cries by using what I hoped was a reassuring, sympathetic voice ("I hear you, sweetie! Mama is just in the bathroom and will be right back - hang in there, no need to worry!"). That way you're being responsive, and letting him know that his communication works, but doing what you have to do.

The phase will pass, and doesn't really call for discipline, just endurance and understanding. It can be frustrating, but try to remember that it's actually really cool your baby is developing his communication skills.


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## CaraboosMama (Mar 31, 2005)

I would definitely suggest checking out the book "What Babies Say Before they Can Talk" by Paul Holinger and Kalia Doner. It seems like your son is very frustated in his efforts to tell you what he wants and needs.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hubris* 
I think some of the above replies are a little harsh. Many parents feel confused about how to respond to babies, especially if they're being told by other people (or society at large) that babies are crying to "manipulate" parents or that we have to teach them to be more "independent", etc.

To the OP, it's absolutely true that crying _is_ the way 9 month olds communicate their needs. When you respond to his crying, you're teaching him that he has the ability to tell you something, and that he can trust you to help him get what he needs. I don't think there's any need to distract him from what he wants/needs - that could teach him that his wants/needs are unimportant. Not the message we want to send to our children.

9 mos is a peak time for separation anxiety and many children are extra-clingy or needy during this time. They're just starting to form some important concepts - like the idea that you still exist after you put him down and walk away (object permanence) - and the idea that he can call you and get you to come back (cause and effect). He's also learning that when he makes vocal sounds, they have an effect on the people around him. These concepts are all vital for his upcoming language development and further cognitive development. You're doing him a huge FAVOR by responding positively to him! Parents who ignore their child's cries/needs in the name of teaching them "independence" are actually neglecting their children and preventing them from experimenting with these cognitive skills, whether or not they intend to (most do it out of love, but they're sadly misinformed).

I agree with the recommendation for a sling or mei tai, if you don't already have a baby carrier. The babywearing forum here is a great place to get some recommendations. At 9 mos many babies love seeing the world from mama's hip or back. It would meet his needs, meet your needs to have your hands free, and would give him the added bonus of getting to see more of the world in action, and hear you narrate it for him (also great for cognitive/language development).

Hang in there! This can be an exhausting phase, but it's worth staying attached!

What she said!







:


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## mowilli3 (Jan 7, 2007)

I think you got more than your share of advice. I just want to commiserate. I have an 8 MO who is very communicative. And he wants what he wants. It seems like he's always fussing, but he's always trying to tell us something. I think it's a sign of intelligence. I talk to him when I can't get to him RIGHT NOW and when I can, I pick him up or get the cheerios or whatever else he's trying to tell me. I just keep talking to him asking questions until I figure it out. Good luck. Ignore the snarkies.


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## JaneSmith1010 (Apr 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mowilli3* 
I think you got more than your share of advice. I just want to commiserate. I have an 8 MO who is very communicative. And he wants what he wants. It seems like he's always fussing, but he's always trying to tell us something. I think it's a sign of intelligence. I talk to him when I can't get to him RIGHT NOW and when I can, I pick him up or get the cheerios or whatever else he's trying to tell me. I just keep talking to him asking questions until I figure it out. Good luck. Ignore the snarkies.









I know. I already do 95% of the things suggested. I was just wondering if I should be doing what I'm doing. Getting tired and need some space ya kknow? Thanks.


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## november21 (Feb 14, 2007)

BABIES AT 9 MONTHS OF AGE DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT MANIPULATION IS.

"Crying to get what he wants" I don't think so, he's still just a baby. - It does sound like he is perhaps ASKING VERY LOUDLY FOR WHAT HE NEEDS to me.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jhow32000* 
I already do 95% of the things suggested. I was just wondering if I should be doing what I'm doing. Getting tired and need some space ya kknow? Thanks.

High needs baby? btdt. Do you have support? Someone you can ask to help you out? Anyone who can give you a break, maybe even regularly? Or to help in some other way? Someone you can visit or who can visit you? I used to go visit my folks and my inlaws, just so that there'd be other people around to help entertain and love baby/kids. It helped. Playgroups? Friends to listen?

It does get tiring sometimes. Just remember that you're a good mom, and remember to take care of yourself.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hubris* 
I think some of the above replies are a little harsh.

You can say that again! What is so hard about giving the information without all the rudeness and combativeness? This is the main reason I have never and would never point any mother to this website. I doubt that if you encountered this mother at the park or the library and she asked you about this you would act like that. No, you would kindly and gently share your experience with her and help her out. She would leave with the info and feeling good about herself and respecting you. The other way all you do is make her defensive and feel like a crappy parent and she'll make sure to not listen to your "advice." How is that helping the baby you're so concerned about? I just don't understand the attitude that prefers to alienate instead of helping both the mom and the baby.

To the OP, 9 months is a really common time for babies to have some separation anxiety where they really do not want to be out of reach or view for even a second. It's totally normal. I found the best way to help them get through it faster is to just carry them constantly until it passes. I've seen lots of moms try to keep leaving the baby to help them get over it but it only seems to drag it out into months instead of weeks. Do you have carriers that are working well for you that distribute the baby's weight well and you can be totally hands free with? If not, I would get one for sure. I used to use the bathroom wearing the sling too.








Well, hey, they wanted me to hold them, it was their choice!







The Mei Tai was perfect for working around the house easily. I know it's hard to be tired and touched out right now. I wonder if there's anyone else he's comfortable with who could come and play with him and hold him for a while for you?

I also agree with the PP who said that it's easy to feel like your first is so much older than they are. I can't believe how mature I expected my oldest to be after I had my others and saw what a tiny baby he had really been at all those ages. I kind of wish I could redo it.







:


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## lolalola (Aug 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jhow32000* 
Oh, no I'm sorry for the miscommunication. I don't tell him no when he cries to be picked back up. That was a general question about child discipline.

Ok, gotcha.









I'm trying to recall what I did with ds when he was that age. It wasn't that long ago, either, I must have repressed it.









Seriously, I agree with pp's regarding the use of a sling. It must be that your son is going through a separation anxiety phase, and just needs some extra snuggle time. As for going pee, or having a shower, having some space, etc, I totally understand; you HAVE to put him down. I think you are doing everything right, it is hard.

I'm pretty sure that I put Darcy in the "bouncy" chair while I showered...etc, but, I honestly don't remember.

This will pass. All the best, Mama.


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## JaneSmith1010 (Apr 22, 2007)

Thanks to all the mamas who have given constructive advice, it will be heeded. I have a sling and use it but will be using it all day until DS is done with this clinginess. I have to say though, I am really disturbed by all of the rude and just plain mean responses to this post. I guess in my sleepiness I didn't put enough info out there and may have given the post a misleading name. In any case, there is no reason for that kind of behavior. If I were a mainstream mother new to the forum and thinking of "converting" you can rest assured I would quickly change my mind after encountering such attitude. Also, even as a crunchy mom I am very turned off right now.


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## clavicula (Apr 10, 2005)

Hey, I wanted to reply, but i see you got a bunch of good advices!Hope it is gonna work out for you!


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## Momily (Feb 15, 2007)

I have to agree that some of the replies are harsh. The OP asked if it was OK to use distraction with a child who is crying because he's been put down.

If you put your baby down, and he fusses or cries there's nothing wrong with picking him up again, but there's also nothing wrong with saying "I'm sorry sweetheart, I have to finish X" and opening the cupboard so that he can play with the pots and pans, or pulling out a toy he may have forgotten about. If that doesn't work then rush through what you're doing, while talking to him gently, and then pick him back up.

9 months is an age for separation anxiety, but it's also an age when kids are making huge strides in their motor skills, and are doing a lot of exploring, and manipulating (items, not people!). Helping a child discover things he enjoys doing on the floor can be fine as long as it's done in a respectful, gentle way.


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## gwynthfair (Mar 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaAllNatural* 
You can say that again! What is so hard about giving the information without all the rudeness and combativeness? This is the main reason I have never and would never point any mother to this website. I doubt that if you encountered this mother at the park or the library and she asked you about this you would act like that. No, you would kindly and gently share your experience with her and help her out. She would leave with the info and feeling good about herself and respecting you. The other way all you do is make her defensive and feel like a crappy parent and she'll make sure to not listen to your "advice." How is that helping the baby you're so concerned about? *I just don't understand the attitude that prefers to alienate instead of helping both the mom and the baby.*









:

*[ snark ]*It's easier and much more fun to be arrogantly dismissive and condescending. That's the really important part right? Patting ourselves on the back for already knowing everything? *[ / snark ]*

My DD is going through separation anxiety right now too (and a cold, and teething - yay!) and it's rough. She's 10 months now, and it's getting a little easier though...I can actually give her to daddy sometimes now without hysterics. I've found that if she wants to be picked up, sometimes I can just pick her up for a few seconds and talk to her or rub her back or whatever and then I can put her back down and finish what I was doing. My favorite trick when I'm feeling really burnt out is to take her in to the bathroom. We have a bunch of odds & ends for her to play with in there and I get her going on those and then sit on the toilet and read a magazine. For some reason she seems to feel more secure in the bathroom with the door shut.


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

My boy is 9 months old now, too, and I'd forgotten how clingy and mama-centric this phase is! The things that are helpful for me are:

- Make sure we are following a somewhat structured routine. When I stick to naptimes, Ben gets two nice, long naps per day, and that gives me lots of time to be with Henry, or to shower, pee without a baby, etc.

- Have tons of redirecting ideas available. I have little age-appropriate toys stashed around the house, where if I really need to finish up whatever I'm doing, I'll whip out a fun toy that is underused, so he will play quietly for 5 minutes before remembering that he must get into mama's arms now or death, I tell you!

- Remembering that this really is a short, short phase and all too soon, he will be pushing me away. It's hard when you're needing a minute, but I look at my big boy and I can hardly remember his infant times. I'm trying to hold fast to the moments and not wish them away.

- When he's so fussy that nothing else helps him, I realize that it's time to stop. He's either tired, hungry or he's in dire need of one-on-one time. We can get so caught up in chores, activities, whatever, that we forget that just because we're spending time with them all day, that doesn't mean they automatically get "quality time" all day. Sometimes, all Ben needs is to sit with me for 10 minutes, play pattycake or tickles or some other physically connecting game, where he has all my attention, and then he's good to go exploring on his own again.

Many hugs - this is an intense time!


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jhow32000* 
If I were a mainstream mother new to the forum and thinking of "converting" you can rest assured I would quickly change my mind after encountering such attitude. Also, even as a crunchy mom I am very turned off right now.

Worth repeating and emphasizing. I'm sorry for the harshness you've encountered. We work so hard to be gentle with our kids that we seem to expend all our gentleness there, and have none left for our fellow mamas.


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## cuddleluvinma (Jun 6, 2006)

I don't have time to read the responses. But, some of what I have read seem really harsh.















I think that it's OK to use distraction *if it works*. But, if it doesn't work, then i say to just pick him up. I used to use my sling all of the time. (now ds lets me sit him on the counter *most of the time* when I'm working in the kitchen. if you're using a sling, you can swing him around onto your back so you have space to move up front. He will *more than likely* be super content and you can get done what you need to.
Remember, he just wants to feel a part of what you're doing and to feel your love. When you take a breath and try seeing things through his eyes, it makes it much easier to comply with what he wants. I think that we as parents try to teach kids patients and empathy. but, i think that we need to practice it to be able to teach it....kwim?
Good luck to both of you.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

If your 9 mo is crying to get what he wants, I would say he's a very smart baby with great budding communication skills. The more you can respond to him the more social he will be later on.







At that age I would use distraction. Or maybe not give him exactly what he wants if you can't do it at that time, but at least pick him up and give him something fun to do and maybe he will forget what he wanted in the first place. The most important thing is to keep that line of communication open and don't ignore him or his desires.

The only time I disciplined my oldest dd at that age was when she was hitting me really hard in the face when I picked her up to get a reaction out of me. I started saying "no" and putting her down on the ground immediately. She figured out real quick that hitting did not get the reaction she wanted from me. I taught her to kiss and pat and then I would reward with smiles and hugs and kisses.


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

I don't need to add any additional advice, there is already plenty of it here!!

And after reading the whole thread, I definitely see the difference in the snarky vs gentle answers - and admit







: that my first thoughts in response to the OP were tilted towards snark.

The gentle responses do much more good than the snark, but I sure understand where the snark comes from - come on, be honest, doesn't the tread title make the hairs on your neck stand on end?

The OP seems very willing to learn and do her best. I applaud that. The first step I would suggest would be to look closely at your thoughts and expectations of your DC. 9 month olds don't manipulate, although we have all certainly felt manipulated at times.

Love and light.


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## sarbear (Mar 21, 2007)

Isn't this area of the forum called 'Gentle Discipline'? I think it is very hypocritical for some mamas to reply to the OP in such a rude manner on such a forum. I personally would not take any gentle discipline advice from anyone who talks to people this way on a discussion board.

Anyway, for the OP, it can become very hard with separation anxiety to get a few moments to yourself without your dc being upset. My ds was the same as yours at that age. It does get better, and he will find other ways to communicate his needs in the coming months other than just crying. As others have said, this is his primary way of communicating with you now, so just try to be sympathetic to that and do the best you can.


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jhow32000* 
If I were a mainstream mother new to the forum and thinking of "converting" you can rest assured I would quickly change my mind after encountering such attitude.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *sarbear* 
I personally would not take any gentle discipline advice from anyone who talks to people this way



I agree with both of these posts.


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## wannabe (Jul 4, 2005)

At nine months old, the main principles are:

- control the environment - if he can't have it and eat it, don't have it near him

- pick your battles - don't start saying no all the time or he'll tune out and write them ALL off. Save No, redirection and distraction for very important things and control the environment. Really think about what matters and what doesn't.

- Redirect, distract - at this age, if he's going ape trying to get the remote control, simply handing him a book will almost certainly do the trick. I never even really bothered with NO, just said things like "we don't grab grandma's glasses, look at this..."

Your aims are to keep him safe, and generally as happy as you can, and keep your things safe from his explorations. At this age he's not going to get spoilt, or become demanding from getting too much attention or getting his own way too often. It's age-appropriate to give him as much attention as you can, and to allow him as much free rein to explore his world as you can.

ETA: nine months - is he trying to crawl or walk? That can be incredibly fustrating for them and add to the general tension level (on top of separation anxiety and often poor sleep). Just like when you've had a bad day at work and get all road-ragey on the way home.


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## InDaPhunk (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jhow32000* 
So when 9 mo DS cries and yells when I put him down what do I do? Do I let him cry, do I pick him back up? Is 9 mo old enough to discipline or do I still tell him no and distract him from what he wants?

A mom asks for advice on how to best raise her child and she gets lambasted. Unreal.

For some reason I thought that MDC was here to help people become better parents, not reward those that already have all the right answers and be derisive toward those that still are on their parenting journey.

Those that are more mainstream would tell her that her child is manipulating her (negatively), that she should ignore her DCs cries and tend to her own needs at all times. People- IRL and that she trusts- may have even told her those things. She is asking those that have beliefs that are similar to hers if that is what she should do. That is all.

To OP, it seems that despite some negativity you got some good input, ideas and suggestions, hope they helped







.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

My daughter has been this way for the last month.

I realize that she is not able to make complicated connections and I know that she's not trying to manipulate me.

My problem is, I don't want her to associate crying with getting what she wants. I want her to move from little grunts to speaking. I do not want her to learn that screaming gets her her way.

This is why I hesitate to immediately respond to screaming that is more about a want (e.g. the bread knife that she really, really wants to stick in her eye to see how it feels) than a need. I do try to distract and control the environment, but she can't have the bread knife and I need to eat.

So what then?

If, when she starts to freak out over the knife / aloe plant / drawer that shuts on her fingers / apparently delicious-tasting toilet bowl, I always pick her up and give her something to distract her, is that really distracting? Or is that giving in to a tantrum? Or is it bribing? When do I stop responding to angry cries and start reasoning?

I try to distract her before removing the temptation but it's not always possible.

It's not that I don't sympathise with her frustration or the difficulty she's having. It's not that I think I need to teach her a lesson. I just don't want her to make that cry=attention association any longer than necessary. She is forming habits now that will stay with her.

I am just really afraid of raising a whiner.


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## JaneSmith1010 (Apr 22, 2007)

Mahtob, I know that babies are clingy right now. DS does throw hissy fits when he doesn't get the things he wants, like knives from the dishwasher I'm loading. Those things I do tell him "no" to and give him something else to play with--I always follow through with this stuff and he knows not to play with some things now without me having to get up and move him away from them. I do have to say that I wasn't using my sling as much as I should have been and he was having some frustration with that. I've been using it more and already he has stopped crying when I do have to put him down. I would be worried more about him thinking he can cry to get his way if he were able to speak, but was crying instead to get me to cave. I think the other mothers were accurate when they remind us that our kids have no other form of communication yet, so crying is sometimes them telling us what they need...not just what they want but shouldn't have (like knives


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Dhalimama, that's fine, but what if she does want the knife? I mean, she really does want exactly that. I know she does because that is what she is looking at, and that is what she is straining to get. She likes knives, mobile telephones, the television, the aloe plant, and the toilet. Those were not abstract examples. They are from our daily life. She MUST suck on everything, and if she can't have it, she doesn't forget. She tries to get it. She's been trying to get to the toilet bowl for a week now.

So I recognize that she cries for needs. But actually, no. When she has a need, she begins with little grunts and I meet that need. Sleepy? Here, let's cuddle until you sleep. Hungry? Here, have some booby. Lonely? Mommy's here. Bored? Let's tickle. She's always on me, always with me.

So she actually doesn't cry out of need and never has. The crying and screaming started around six months when she started to want things that I wouldn't give her (mobile, knife, computer, etc.). At that age, I was able to distract. It was rare.

Now, she holds a grudge, and every time I shut the bathroom door, I have to distract or she will cry. Also- forget about using utensils at dinner unless she can lick all of them. We are eating chicken with spoons these days.


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## sarbear (Mar 21, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mahtob* 
Now, she holds a grudge, and every time I shut the bathroom door, I have to distract or she will cry.

Well, I think that it is okay for a baby or toddler to cry if they don't get something they want. That is how they release the frustration they feel. Crying because needs aren't being met is something else all together.

Of course, it is best to let them explore, and create an appropriate environment for that, but there are dangers (like knives) that they must be protected from. My ds is a year old, and he knows what to avoid for the most part. He still tests with certain things, but I redirect him or explain why this is 'not for baby'... there is occasionally crying involved, but not nearly as much as around 9 or 10 months.

So, I think we need to become more comfortable with the 'I can't have what I want' crying, and just accept it and move on. As far as giving in to crying, or distracting, I think that is all you can do. You pick them up and comfort them, and offer something else. Or if it is appropriate, and you know nothing but the original-off-limits-item will satisfy, then you just be nearby while they work it out on their own. This is perfectly normal baby/toddler behavior- it's just how they learn about the world and their relationship with their environment.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

"My ds is a year old, and he knows what to avoid for the most part. He still tests with certain things, but I redirect him or explain why this is 'not for baby'... there is occasionally crying involved, but not nearly as much as around 9 or 10 months."

That is very good to know. Two more months.









I used to feel that when a baby cried you picked him or her up. Now I see how people get confused. When does the baby become a toddler? The learning is a continuum and I want to make sure my responses match that. Not babyhood until it's too late, but not the other way 'round, either.


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## JaneSmith1010 (Apr 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mahtob* 
"My ds is a year old, and he knows what to avoid for the most part. He still tests with certain things, but I redirect him or explain why this is 'not for baby'... there is occasionally crying involved, but not nearly as much as around 9 or 10 months."

That is very good to know. Two more months.









I used to feel that when a baby cried you picked him or her up. Now I see how people get confused. When does the baby become a toddler? The learning is a continuum and I want to make sure my responses match that. Not babyhood until it's too late, but not the other way 'round, either.

I'm glad you posted. It shows posters here that there is a reason to ask the questions I/you did and that they don't need to automatically call me a bad parent for asking. I hope you get your question answered!


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

9 months began a difficult phase in both my girls. "Pick me up! Put me down! No, wait! Pick me back up!" They get over it. There's nothing wrong with picking him up when he cries. IMO, there is also nothing wrong with letting him sit for a minute if you need a breather.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

I'm glad you posted. It shows posters here that there is a reason to ask the questions I/you did and that they don't need to automatically call me a bad parent for asking.








I'm glad you posted too because I was going to ask the same thing and I think I would have been upset if all the vitriol had been directed at MY post









Just here to share the love.







:


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## cpop (May 3, 2006)

My twins are a little younger than your baby (almost 8 months) but one of them is a screamer. What helps sometimes is when she first starts to yell I make a funny face and reproduce the exact sound she is making. She usually thinks it is funny and will shriek again, but this time happilly and then we'll have a shrieking conversation. I don't think this would have worked with my dd1 but you could try it.


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