# My nephew was born today at 19 weeks gestation :(



## octanebeetle27 (Mar 14, 2006)

Hey ladies,

First of all, I am so sorry for all of the losses represented here on this board.

My sister-in-law delivered her 19 week old baby early this morning after having her water break last Friday. Baby was kicking up until a few hours before being born--there is apparently nothing wrong with him. I saw and held him today and he is absolutely perfect and beautiful. I was so glad to be able to admire him and love on him.

My questions are surrounding ways to remember him. Is there a baby book for LOs who were stillborn or born too early? The hospital has done his footprints and I think his pictures as well. They are taking pictures of him being held by family members who are visiting. What else is there? My own loss was at 11 weeks and though devastating, there really wasn't much that I could do after the birth--baby had stopped developing probably around 8 weeks and so it wasn't like there was much to see and my biggest thing was making sure I was healing ok.

Any addition suggestions would be appreciated. I think she will be discharged from the hospital in the morning so they have this evening and maybe thru the night to spend with with their LO. Thank you very much.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

so sorry for your families loss.

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ is a really beautiful tribute for our babies taken too soon.

I see that you are due in May.. probably around the same time she would have ben due, right? That will probably be a hard time for her, when your baby is born. I know for me, seeing babies who were born around the same time as Dresden is still hard for me.. and I still have no desire to hold another baby, until I get to hold one of my own again.

The things that have helped me are writing my birth story, sharing him with others in any possible way and coming to this message board with other momma's of loss... she has you too momma, while your loss may have been different circumstances, you can still imagine the depth of her pain (their pain really - the dad's are devastated too of course)

The woman who does the names in the sand website has an idea about giving letters to parents while they are still in the hospital with things that other parents of loss regret. A couple of my regrets is that I didn't get a picture with dh and I together with Dresden, I didn't unwrap him to see his whole body, and just more pictures all together. There are things you just don't think of when you 're in that terrible moment.

Again, so very sorry.


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## octanebeetle27 (Mar 14, 2006)

Thanks for your reply Shannon. I will call them in a bit and gently ask if they've taken a picture of the two of them with Zachary--as much as in my power I want to make sure they get what they need as far as that kind of thing. It seems like they are taking a lot of pictures--I know she took a few of me and my girls admiring Zachary. She mentioned to me how she didn't know whether to smile or not in her pictures with him. I said "Smile if you feel like it. You are holding a beautiful baby."

We were due about two weeks apart from each other. Trust me, I am acutely aware of this and kept my coat on during my visit with her today b/c I couldn't bear to have my belly be seen. I know that after my loss I had several friends due in the next few months and I could only bring myself to go to one of their baby showers. I will definitely respect her as far as how she has to cope with my baby being born right about when hers should be. I wouldn't have understood that if I hadn't had the loss I did so in some weird way I'm thankful for the acquired empathy. And yeah, my brother is devastated. I've never heard him cry before today.

Again I appreciate your reply. And I am so very sorry for the loss of your little Dresden--I'm sure he was a beautiful little guy. I hope you are holding one of your own babies again in good time.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Don't know what to say







- just that I am so sorry for your familys loss.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so very sorry for your sil's loss. You are so kind do be there for her right now. When my daughter died not only did my sil and bil not help, but they never even said anything to me at all....still haven't.
The pictures are so very important, I'm glad they are taking many. So many mamas don't have any or very few to remember their sweet baby. Is she a member here at MDC? If she isn't, maybe you could direct her here as this has been such a great network of support for so many women. Unfortunately, she will never be the same, and no one should expect her to be strong, and please don't tell her how strong she is or how well she is handling it. I assure you, she does not want to hear that at all. Honestly the less people say the better. The only truly appropriate thing to say is I am sorry. Addressing the baby by his name is also helpful, and just simply being there if she wants you to be.

There are so many good web sites out there for dealing with loss. Here are a few of the ones that I like.
This one has some nice quotes and poems
Here is the Missing Angel Foundation
and here are some sites with rememberance jewelry that she may appreciate
MyForeverChild.com
Little Angels Store
La Belle Dame

These are just a few....there are so many others listed in the Resources Sticky at the top of the page.
I am so sorry your family is going through this. I wish you all peace and healing.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## mollyb33 (Dec 29, 2008)

Wendy, I'm so sorry for you and your family. Your SIL will be in my thoughts.

One thing for remembrances that I have found is here:
http://www.sufficientgrace.net/

They offer something like a baby book called a dreams of you memory book. They're free of charge to griefing family members. I haven't gotten mine yet because i just ordered it but I thought it was so nice that this is offered.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

I am so sorry for your families loss. It is such a hard time. I lost my daughter at 22 weeks due to contractions which caused my water to break. We didn't get any concrete answers. I am sure she is lost right now. I am not really sure what websites to give you, but I love all of the above ideas. But on top of those, one friend of ours brought us orange juice, cherries, chocolate and flowers and it was very sweet. Stuff like that is always appreciated and at the time, I thought what a wonderful thing to buy. You wouldn't think those things would fit so well. You've been through a loss too and I think in your heart you know how to comfort her. When she's up for it, taking a walk is always nice depending on where you're from and how cold it is. And just talking about it until your jaws hurt.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

My favorite thing from my loss is a teddy bear from Build a Bear. I isolated Gideon's heartbeat from a recording of an ultrasound that we had. We took it in on my laptop and recorded it onto one of their sound boxes. Now I have a teddy bear (that looks just like the one we bought for him and he's buried with) that plays his heartbeat when squeezed. We also made one for each of our Moms and my sister. We dressed the bears in newborn and 0-3 months clothing we had already bought for Gideon. I sleep with it just about every night. I found it very comforting to hold just after my loss on those days when my arms ached so bad to hold my baby boy. It may be a little soon for her to want his (I got my Gideon Bear about 3 weeks after he was gone), but it's a great idea, I think.

*hugs* to you and your family while dealing with this loss.


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

I would have loved if someone would have sent a card on my due date. People might think not to do that, it might remind them that was when the baby was due. But as you know you don't forget when your baby was due, and you wonder if anyone else remembers.

I have a memorial garden.


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## octanebeetle27 (Mar 14, 2006)

Thank you ladies. All wonderful suggestions and mostly things I would not think of on my own. I talked to my brother today and he was like "I can't wait for these feelings to go away." That kind of worried me. He tends to stuff things. He's coming over tonight with two of their kids to hang out with us so his wife can get some sleep. She is exhausted.

My sister really pissed me off today though. I mentioned to her that I wanted to get something for our brother and his wife--something like the special memory book or just SOMETHING from one of the rememberence sites--I haven't looked at everything but there some really nice mementos on there. She was like "Umm...I have to think about it." Didn't give a reason why or let me know what she was thinking. I should give her the benefit of the doubt but frankly I'm a little angry. Anyway. Whatever.

Again, thanks so much. I really just want to try to help them during this time and not be the clueless insensitive relative (as much as possible anyway). I appreciate you all sharing your input with me.


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