# In a Fog



## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

I went to the midwife on Wed. for 15 wk checkup. No heartbeat







. I had a D&C the next day. I feel so empty. Doesn't seem right that it took 15 weeks for my baby to develop and only 1 hr to take away.
I have 3 boys already and wasn't planning on 4. I was upset when I found out I was pregnant again. Then at 7 weeks, I saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound, and fell in love with my baby. I was so sick for the first 10 weeks, and then finally started to feel better. At the 11 week checkup everything was good and I thought I was past the worrying stage and could begin to relax and look forward to having 4 beautiful children. I brought my husband and 2 sons with me to the next checkup to hear the heartbeat, thank god they were there, but they never will. The baby had died only a few days before according to the ultrasound. I can't stop thinking about what I was doing over the last week. Did I do something wrong, was I exposed to something, maybe the baby knew that I wasn't happy at first to be pregnant again? I know it is not logical, but can't seem to stop. Does anyone have any sage words of advice to help me threw this? My husband feels helpless and is also so sad about the baby and not being able to do much to help me. My 2 older boys are sad and keep asking if I will have another baby. I don't know what to say, because I know it is too early to decide, even though I want one. Well, not a baby, the baby I lost! I s this normal?


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

I am sorry you lost you baby. did you name him/her?

you didn't do anything to cause this, please be gentle with yourself anf allow yourself to heal

take care

tara


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

So sorry about your baby.. my thoughts are with you


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)




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## atomicmama (Aug 21, 2004)

and








I'm so sorry


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Quote:

I can't stop thinking about what I was doing over the last week. Did I do something wrong, was I exposed to something, maybe the baby knew that I wasn't happy at first to be pregnant again?
I know this so well! I went through that for weeks after my son was still born, and still have moments of it. PLease know that it was nothing you did or didn't do, and certainly our thoughts can't cause this to happen.

Can you call your midwife and talk about your fears? I called my MW repeatedly after my son died...she was truly able to assure me that I had not caused it.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Thanks to everyone who replied. It is nice to talk to women who understand
what I'm going through and know what to say.
I was wondering if anyone knew if feeling extremely protective of my other children right now is normal. I screamed at my husband yesterday for not watching my boys close enough when he took them outside so I could take a nap. He was standing only a few feet away from the youngest when I attacked! I find myself having panic attacks whenever I am not with them, and my oldesdt is in kindegaten. It makes for a very tense day! Any thoughts? I need help!


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I think that's normal. I am feeling that too...I worry if my kids get out of "grabbing distance", and my oldest is 8.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Everything you have described sounds normal to me.

Please be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to grieve the baby that you carried.

Know that you did not cause your baby's death.

I also was not pleased to be pregnant at first and even considered an abortion. I beat myself up about it so much after my daughter was stillborn - as if I caused it by not wanting her enough. But this is not true - we are not that powerful - we cannot cause things to happen like that. Besides, I had long since decided that I wanted her and had totally fallen in love with her - I'm sure it was the same for you.

The decision to get pregnant again is not an easy one and I advise you give yourself time to grieve your loss before seriously considering another pregnancy.

Peace to you mamma. You are in my thoughts.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

It is amazing to realize how many woman have gone through this. I just recieved a call from a friend I've known for years, who told me about the baby she lost at 5 months. I never knew before what she ahd been through!
She gave me the same advice about giving myself time to recover before making any decisions about having another baby. It is so hard not to think about it. But I know I can't make a decision in this state. Right now I'm just waiting to find out if my baby was a girl or boy so I can give "it" a name. I just hate calling the baby "it". Or when the doctor referred to the baby as "material" after my D&C. It breaks my heart, and yet I'm hoping maybe the genetic testing and pathology report might give us some answers that might help. I'm not sure how, and am also trying to prepare myself for the fact that there may not be any answers.
I am supposed to be attending my nieces 1st birthday party in Maryland tommorrow. My sisters, parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles will all be there. But there are also going to be alot of people I don't know. I really don't want to go, but I wonder if I should force myself to anyway. If it was just family I would go, I think. My mother is already trying to force me to go out to meet her for lunch, but I just didn't want to yesterday, and she asked me what I would say to my friend with PPD. I tried to explain to her that I didn't really think that it was the same thing. I was mourning the loss of my baby and needed time. But I know that my family, with the exception of my husband, will give me a hard time about not going. I'm not sure that I can handle the fall out. Any suggestions as to how to handle some of the stupid things people say? I know they mean well, but sometimes they can cut like a knife.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

you need to do what YOU are comfortable with, your family may or may not agree with it but they will get over it in time.

i was asked by my family several times if i was over that "thing" i had. i know they were not happy with me but they are all over it and most importantly i put myself first and gave myself the chance to heal.

good luck to you

tara


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