# My Miscarriage



## ericaz (Jun 10, 2003)

My chart was wacky the month I conceived due to one of those nasty flus that came our way right around the time I had thought I would ovulate. I guess I was nine weeks along when I found out the pregnancy wouldn't be viable, but there's a chance it was more like 7weeks along. In any case, the u/s showed that the embryo stopped growing at around 5 weeks so essentially it was just a sac and a bunch of cells. I thank Mother Nature for that small bit of relief...at least I did not have to endure the loss of an older fetus. I have heard horror stories of mothers who had a loss much further along (or at birth - how incredibly devastating that must be) and I frankly don't even want to imagine that. I can only hope I never have to experience something so awful and that no one close to me has to either.

The day I had my u/s (Thursday 2/9) to check for a heartbeat was horrible. I was so sad and disappointed that my pregnancy was most likely over. It has not been easy for us to conceive so getting pregnant this time was somewhat of a surprise. The u/s tech didn't say a word during the procedure and I *knew* what I had been fearing ever since I started spotting was probably true. She made us wait for about 1/2 hour before faxing over the results to KH. Patrick called her and got the news that either we were way off on dates or the embryo was dead (blighted ovum). I was almost certain that the latter was the likely scenario.

Within a day I wasn't so sad. I mean, I was upset, but I had come to accept the situation and focused on preparing myself for the actual miscarriage. I wanted to be sure that a miscarriage was imminent so I had my hcg levels checked on 2/10. The lab told me that KH would have the results the following day, Saturday. That's the day we got that really big snow storm. Patrick and I took Isadora to see Curious George in the afternoon and when we got back home I paged KH to see if she had gotten my results. She said she was about to take her son to the movies and would go to her office afterwards and let me know if anything had been faxed. She called around 5 or so and said she didn't get them. I was bummed that we would have to wait another 2 days to know for sure. I was about 80% sure that it would be bad news, but there was a glimmer of hope that I had miscalculated the date of conception. What a rollercoaster of emotions....

Monday morning I got a voicemail from KH saying that the hcg levels were dropping and that I would miscarry. She said I could call her cell if I had any questions. I immediately called because I wanted to find out what to expect and what I should be on the lookout for that might indicate a problem. She didn't call me back until 4:00. I was disappointed but not surprised. Ever since I started spotting I felt as though KH was blowing me off.

I laid low the next few days and Patrick and I cancelled our Valentine's Day plans. I didn't feel much like getting dressed up and going out to a fancy dinner. The following day was 2/15, the day I started miscarrying. I started having a little red blood during the day but felt ok otherwise. The pain started at dinnertime. It was overwhelmingly painful - much like the final stages of labor, complete with diarrhea. None of the OTC pain meds I had bought helped with the pain. I had to ride out the contractions in bed while Patrick kept Isadora occupied in the other room. I finally passed a small clot after about an hour and was able to get some rest.

Patrick stayed home the next day. I felt really sore inside but was hopeful that I had gotten past the worst of it. I took it easy, basically lounging on the couch in front of the TV. We went downstairs for dinner around 6 and the pain started again. This time it started with shooting pains in my rectum. I went upstairs in total shock and in even worse pain than the night before. Luckily Isadora had gone to sleep early. The pain was godawful....I was scared that something wasn't right and was having a hard time focusing. Patrick didn't know what to do...he had been such a wonderful coach when I birthed Isadora but this time he wasn't doing much to soothe me or help me to focus. This pissed me off. I came into our TV room and found Patrick watching the Olympics. I started screaming and banged my head, hard, into the armoire door to get his attention. It worked. I yelled at him to get off his ass and start helping me focus. We went into Isadora's bedroom (she was asleep in our family bed, natch) and I layed down on the bed while Patrick rubbed my back and tried to get me to breathe. I think he was having a hard time accepting what was going on and didn't realize he needed to treat this like an actual labor.
I wound up calling Ronni Rothman, the midwife I used with Isadora, at her home and she told me to start dosing on Motrin, around the clock, 800mg. She was comforting and wonderful, telling me that everything sounded normal and that my body was trying to pass the rest of it. She said she'd call in the morning to check on me after she dropped her kids off at school.
I didn't pass much more except for a little blood - no clots. I was worried that the lack of clots meant I wasn't done. I had read loads of miscarriage posts on MDC (why, I don't know...it only made me sad and scared but I guess because I was receiving little information from KH I decided to do some online sleuthing) and while everyone has a different experience, most people as far along as I had been wrote that they passed quite a lot of clots.

Ronni called the next morning and told me to keep taking Motrin and that I should expect more clotting but not much more pain. I hoped she was right.
That day was a break for me...no pain. I read some more posts on MDC and scared myself even more. Women were writing how they were able to see a sac and a placenta and I hadn't seen anything close to that. I called Ronni's partner, Julianna, and she reassured me that what was happening was normal and that it was highly unlikely that I'd be able to see anthing resembling fetal tissue. She also said that she didn't think I'd pass anything else and that I was probably over the painful part. I told her that Ronni said I'd pass some more clots and she said I might, but from what I told her it sounded like I got rid of the whole thing.
That night, at dinner time once again, I started to have cramps. Bad cramps...like my menstrual cramps but also in my lower back. I started taking more Motrin but it didn't help much. I laid in bed once again while Patrick kept Isadora occupied. I was beginning to feel as though I wouldn't be able to handle more of this. At least with real labor you only have a day or so of pain (or less - my labor with Isadora was only 6 hours).

I finally fell asleep. In the morning I felt as though I needed to run to the bathroom. I didn't have time to put my glasses on so I couldn't see exactly what I passed, but I felt it...there was a loud plop in the toilet. I guess that was the rest of it.

I've been bleeding ever since but believe the worst is behind me. This whole experience has left me feeling so sad for the countless women who've experienced a misscarriage or any loss of a child. It's something none of us want to contimplate and only hope will never become a reality for ourselves or someone we love. Unfortunately, it's more common than I had ever known. I know the next time I get pregnant I will be scared that I will have another miscarriage and I'll have to try my hardest to put those thoughts in the back of my mind. I'll be reminded of my experience every time I hear a story of pregnancy loss. I never wanted to be a member of the miscarriage club but fate has led me here for some reason that I probably shouldn't question or try to analyze. This pregnancy, birth and baby were not meant to be but I must stay positive that I will birth another baby in the not too distant future that is as beautiful and healthy as my sweet Isadora. That's my fate, too


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## surf mama (Jan 8, 2005)

Thanks for sharing your story! I can relate to so much of it. I am sorry this pg ended for you and that you had to experience a m/c. This is such an emotional and painful process. I wish you lots of healing.


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## ericaz (Jun 10, 2003)

Thanks so much, surf mama







I also hope that you get through your miscarriage fast and without much pain. Please feel free to PM me if you need any moral support or have any questions. This is all so awful and it certainly helps to talk with other mamas who've been through it, particularly those who have been through it recently.

What beach do you live near? We used to live in the northern CA mountains not too far from the Pacific. Man, do I miss that area!


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## mama4gals (Nov 15, 2003)

I've been through it 4 times, and I know how sad and horrible it is. I am so sorry about your m/c, mama. Hugs to you.

Liz


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

Mama
This is a club that noone ever wants to be a part of, but is filled with the nicest ladies. thanks for sharing your story.

Take care of yourself

tara


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