# I have the desire to brake the cycle of spanking my children



## masherrell (Oct 6, 2006)

I hope no one judges me too harshly. I spank my children. I was very young when I had my son and my mother insisted that I do so (we were living with her at the time). I was not for it in the beginning. She wore on me though and told me that when she kept him he was going to get spanked. Her and my grandmother both said that. I think I kinda gave up after awhile (fighting with them). So now that I've matured in my mothering skills, my son is now 4, and my daughter 2, I am realizing that I was wrong for one alowing someone else to hit my children, but also for hitting them myself. And I am felling miserable about it today especially, I think thta it just hit me reading some the stories on here. I was also tought that I had to show him his boundries and that he needed physical pain to remember that boundry. My question is does anyone know how to stop the habbit of hitting my children. I remember from the moment I let myself spank him that first time the horrible feeling I felt but also the immediate relief I felt. It is truely a sickness I think. I personally allow my frustration to take control over me. I am a christian and I thought all Christians felt the same way untill I read some websites today really expaining the Biblical vew of the rod. I always thought it was a paddle but I feel like God has opened my eyes today and I am in so much remorse for the damage that I have caused my children. I just pray that is not to late to change things now.

I didn't start spanking my son untill my daughter was born. He was only two years old. Our relationship when down hill after that. That bond that we formed those first two years of nursing and co sleeping was broken with one little wack.

I can not express to you how grateful i am to have found this thread.
Thank you all for helping me see again.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Thanks Masherrell. I am thinking about you while I cook dinner, pack lunches, and supervise homework. I'll try to get back to you tonight when the kids are in bed. Hopefully, there will be other posts in the meantime. If you want to start some research, take a look at "Grace Based Parenting." Here is a link for you:
http://www.aolff.org/default.html

I'll be back -- and you'll be fine!


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## ejsmama (Jun 20, 2006)

What a courageous mama you are. Thank you so much for posting. I will hold you in my prayers, and think that you are absolutely on the right road by asking for help and guidance. I have really WANTED to spank my child sometimes, and have found this forum so helpful for giving my alternatives that really are working. I truly do believe you will do so, too.


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## mercmama (Sep 21, 2006)

I believe that you have already decided that this is no longer an option. Good for you.


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## masherrell (Oct 6, 2006)

I thank you so much for your posts and encouragement. I have been to the aolff website and I'm on my way out the door to the store to go buy it. I'm going to talk to my husband tonight when he gets of work and I would like to have the material on hand for him to look at. Please pray for his heart to be open and receive what God has revealed to me today. Thank you again show much for the encouragement.


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## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

I'm glad that you have decided to make that change. I'm sure it won't be easy but this board and many like them can help you through it. Also, there is a sticky at the top of this page that shows many helpful books. I am a Christian also. I frequent www.gentlechristianmothers.com It's a great place!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Here is an article on Christian Parenting by Dr. Sears that was published in Mothering a few years back. You might want to print it out to have on hand for your DH:

http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr...le_sayeth.html


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

Way to go mama! You have made a GREAT step towards helping your children learn thorugh gentle encouragement. I will be praying as you approach this journey with your husband. ((HUGS)) May God bless your little ones and your family.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Well, make sure you come back to us and tell us how the conversation with your dh goes.

I'm curious -- do you still live with your mother? Or does she still babysit? This decision is going to be tougher to follow through with if she is still highly involved and influencial in raising your children.

Quote:

My question is does anyone know how to stop the habbit of hitting my children. I remember from the moment I let myself spank him that first time the horrible feeling I felt but also the immediate relief I felt. It is truely a sickness I think. I personally allow my frustration to take control over me.
I spanked my older child for about a year between the ages of 2 and 3. Stopping was hard. I read a LOT of books, and I came here with questions and looking for support. I really had to change my whole outlook on parenting, and children, and relationships, and even work on my ideas about God and make some significant changes (growth) in my faith. I had to find supportive people to spend time with too, and I had to learn a lot of new parenting tools.

The biggest thing to help me "break the habit" was the fact that I made a verbal commitment to my son. After I had given it enough thought and prayer to feel very sure about my decision, I sat down with him and DH and we had a talk. I apologized for making some mistakes in the way I treated him, and I asked him if from that point on, would he help us to make a "No hitting family." I told him we would have a rule for everybody in the family, that we would use our words to fix problems and not hit each other anymore, and that included spanking. He was overjoyed!







But the fact that I made a PROMISE to my little boy, and the fact that he understood, really motivated me to make good. Because after that, hitting him would have done double the damage. Not only would it be bad for all the reasons I decided to stop, but it would a betrayal and a broken promise too. I take promises very seriously.

Whenever I felt like hitting him after that, I pictured myself standing on the edge of a cliff next to my child. I pictured myself striking him, and sending him over the edge of the cliff. I would close my eyes, breath deeply, and remind myself that mothers *protect* and *guard* their children's bodies and dignity. We are not supposed to hurt them! And I would remind myself that hitting a child puts their psychological development at risk -- sort of a psychological cliff, like my visual imagery.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

I just wanted to share this link with you written by Peggy O'Mara, the editor/publisher of Mothering. I like to read it when I need a boost


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Welcome mama.

You can do it, because you WANT to. There are many many ways to do it. Some find books "click" for them, for some it's soul searching, for some it's forums like this one. For many it's combination of the above.

Hang around here for a while. Ask question, vent your frustrations, get a cyber hug. Welcome.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




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## masherrell (Oct 6, 2006)

I can't say enough how thankful I am to have found this place. Getting ready to talk to the DH.

Today went really well. We went to the store and I found myself actually communicating with my son and daughter. I could see in his eyes how much he apreciated it. Although he was pushing a little bit I think because he noticed that I was not going to spank him. I introduced him to a reward system though. Instead of spanking or yelling at him because he was acting up in the store I was rewarding him for his positive behavior. It is going to be along road for all of us though. The trust has been broken and it will take awhile to build that back up.

I can see it will be worth it though and finding this place is going to help.


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## 2M's Mom (Aug 4, 2006)

It sounds like you are headed in the right direction mama. Good luck!


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## jaxinsmom (Jul 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *masherrell* 
I could see in his eyes how much he apreciated it.

Instead of spanking or yelling at him because he was acting up in the store I was rewarding him for his positive behavior.

WOW









That's so incredible that you have that insight into your relationship with your son and are willing to change!!

Keep us posted on your progress -- there are a lot of parents in you position and they could learn a lot from you!


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## kyndmamaof4 (Jul 25, 2006)

I spanked my first two children, and it broke my heart to see them flinch when they have done something that they aren't supposed to. I was not "abused" as a child, however I was spanked quite regularly by my stepmom. I just thought that was the way things were done. I have made a committment to my children and myself to be mindful of what I do, and think before I react. My DH wasn't on the GD bandwagon at all, but I asked him to just take 5 mins to calm down and think about it before he spanked, and he hasn't spanked since







It is a habit that I learned, and I am replacing it with another habit, being calm, and not letting things escalate to the point where I might be "tempted" Now I don't mean that I WANT to, but it is as if I'm on auto piolit. I have noticed since we started using GD, that there behavoir has changed too. Now I could never imagine spanking my little ones EVER. It makes me want to cry. This is what changed my mind

http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/misunderstand.html

I found it before I found MDC, and it actually led me here. I am so geateful to the people who run that site. It really opened my eyes.

HTH, Kaara


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

So -- Masherrell -- what is going on? How are you today? Did you speak with your husband yet??


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## masherrell (Oct 6, 2006)

I did speak to my husband. My mother inlaw has always supported me about GD and she also used it with her children. So, although my husband was spanked by his father and punished in various other ways, his mother never did. He expressed how much better his relationship was with his mother and that he still carries some hard feelings for his father. So he was very much open to GD. On another hand I think he will struggle with it a little more than me. But I think we with both encourage eachother in the process.

No, we do not live with my mother anymore. We bought our own house about four years ago. She still treats me like a child though. She underminds my authority in front of my children, which really irks me.

Thank you for all the web links also. They are truely helpful.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Wow! It sounds like there are already changes in your lives! It also sounds like your dh is open to gd- that's a great start!
Just wanted to say yay







and I sincerely hope that you stick around!


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## circles (Sep 25, 2006)

I was spanked as a kid and when I became a mom I wanted (and needed) as much inspiration as I could find in order to be able to resist any urge to hit my children. I found this little flyer (by Alice ******) very convincing and helpful.

Spanking is counterproductive and dangerous:

Why spankings, slaps, and even apparently harmless blows like pats on the hand are dangerous for a baby?

1. They teach it violence.
2. They destroy the absolute certainty of being loved that the baby needs.
3. They cause anxiety: the expectancy of the next attack.
4. They convey a lie: they pretend to be educational, but parents actually use them to vent their anger; when they strike, it's because, as children, they were struck themselves.
5. They provoke anger and a desire for revenge, which remain repressed, only to be expressed much later.
6. They program the child to accept illogical arguments (I'm hurting you for your own good) that stay stored up in their body.
7. They destroy sensitivity and compassion for others and for oneself, and hence limit the capacity to gain insight.

What long-term lessons does the baby retain from spankings and other blows?

The baby learns:

1. That a child does not deserve respect.
2. That good can be learned through punishment (which is actually wrong, punishment merely teaches the children to want to punish in their own turn).
3. That suffering mustn't be felt, it must be ignored (which is dangerous for the immune system).
4. That violence is a manifestation of love (fostering perversion).
5. That denial of feeling is healthy (but the body pays the price of this error, often much later).


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## mama2cntrykids (Feb 16, 2006)

Thank you ladies for this thread. I too am seeing what my "spanking" is doing and has done to my boys (5 & 3 yrs) and I know I need to change. I know it'll be a long road because I have a lot of issues to deal with, but I'm commited and determined to make a better relationship with my boys (and little baby girl, although I don't spank her). There are many things I must change and I've prayed for guidance. Thank you ladies!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Admitting it's wrong and deciding to stop is a HUGE step. Congrats to you for making it









IMO there are two big pieces that need to happen:

1. Decide today, NOW that it will NEVER happen again. NO MATTER WHAT. And stick to it.

2. Tell your kids that it was wrong. Apologize. Tell them it will never happen again.

good luck!

-Angela


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

I'd also like to add that it's often more than just simply deciding to stop...you'll need to add the tools that you *do* want to use







For example, what do you want to do the next time instead of spanking? Practice, act it out in your mind, try and avoid getting to that point...Some mamas have an image in their minds that they call forth...some envision a camera filming them and broadcasting on tv....some count to 20, deep breathing, etc, etc. Whatever works for you until you start feeling more confident....it is so important and awesome that you've come to this decision









My dh likes to say "change happens in an instant." Of course, I follow that up with, "and it's hard work keeping it changed."









You can do this!


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## Mom2lilpeeps (Aug 19, 2006)

I think it's fantastic you made the decision to stop spanking. How great for you and your children.


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## masherrell (Oct 6, 2006)

Thank you ladies for giving the wonderful encouragment. We have been doing great. I have found what works for me is when I get angry I ask them to look me in the eyes and that alows me to be able to calm down. Because I see their precious gentle spirits and realize they just need to know what to do inplace of what they are doing. The Bilble says the eyes are the window to the soul. My children confirm that for me. It reminds me I do not want to ever brake their spirit but incourage and lift them up so their little lights will shine. I have not physically punished my children since that first day God opened my eyes to his way of teaching through you women out there. My house is filled with peace again. Although I am seeing some of the effects that the past has had on my son. He is acting out in anger even more now. He has a gentle and compasionate heart though and I know if I just continue to guide him with love we will over come this. It is trying sometimes though. You guys help uplift me and help me Know I can do it.


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## masherrell (Oct 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mama2cntrykids* 
Thank you ladies for this thread. I too am seeing what my "spanking" is doing and has done to my boys (5 & 3 yrs) and I know I need to change. I know it'll be a long road because I have a lot of issues to deal with, but I'm commited and determined to make a better relationship with my boys (and little baby girl, although I don't spank her). There are many things I must change and I've prayed for guidance. Thank you ladies!


We are weathering the same storm.......We can do it!!









Here is a great site on Graced Based Parenting http://aolff.com

I'm







: for both of us.


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## sunanthem (Jan 29, 2004)

Good work mamas! I know it can be so hard. I never spanked until a close friend made me feel it was ok, because she did it. I started doing it more and more and find it makes me feel horrible and I dont think it works. I'm trying not to do it anymore myself, and am at the moment designing what will be our new, but evr changing disciplining system.
Thankyou for this thread. I've enjoyed reading it.


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## USAmma (Nov 29, 2001)

((HUGS))

It's very very hard to break the cycle. I was beaten and my first impulse is to spank sometimes, because that's what I have been programmed to do. Have a game plan so that when you feel tempted to spank, you know what you will do instead. Not as punishment to your child, but something that you can do to calm down for yourself.

I did spank a few times in a dark moment of my life with PPD and not thinking very clearly about things. I felt like I was watching this woman I didn't know come out of me and do these things. It hurt me, it hurt my dd emotionally. It made me feel like a failure. TG PPD is over. The thing about kids is that they forgive easily if they know you are trying and if you are sorry. I still lose my temper a lot and yell, but I also apologize a lot. I told my 5yo the other day that I was brought up being spanked and yelled at. That's what I was taught to do and I'm trying very hard to make our family a happy family. She needs to help me by trying to listen and not talk back. I need her help. I think that made her feel very important and valued in my life, that I need her help as much as she sometimes needs mine. We are trying to work as a team.

I still fight that impulse every day. I just hope my children won't have to deal with these same impulses when they become mothers. That's why I'm trying so hard to break the cycle.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *masherrell* 
Thank you ladies for giving the wonderful encouragment. We have been doing great. I have found what works for me is when I get angry I ask them to look me in the eyes and that alows me to be able to calm down. Because I see their precious gentle spirits and realize they just need to know what to do inplace of what they are doing. The Bilble says the eyes are the window to the soul. My children confirm that for me. It reminds me I do not want to ever brake their spirit but incourage and lift them up so their little lights will shine. I have not physically punished my children since that first day God opened my eyes to his way of teaching through you women out there. My house is filled with peace again. Although I am seeing some of the effects that the past has had on my son. He is acting out in anger even more now. He has a gentle and compasionate heart though and I know if I just continue to guide him with love we will over come this. It is trying sometimes though. You guys help uplift me and help me Know I can do it.

What an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing this with us....you're an inspiration


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

Congratulations! You are embarking on a peaceful path. It will be so rewarding. (challenges for the Good _always_ are







)


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## richella (Nov 30, 2004)

May I suggest, for those who are working on controlling anger, Bach flower essences. I believe cherry plum is the one recommended for when you are afraid of flying off the handle. they are very safe and effective. Obviously not a whole solution to the kinds of problems here in this thread, but they do help balance the emotions and they give you something to do when you get that feeling -- instead of striking out, you can go in another room, pour a glass of water, add a couple drops, and drink the water before you do anything else.


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## sunanthem (Jan 29, 2004)

Yes, thanks for recommending flower essences. When talking about discplining with my friend the other day... she recommended it also, and I am not too familiar with it, but now I wanna try it!


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## Suprakid1982 (Sep 17, 2005)

as a person who has been throhg his mom spanking him and known nothoing but hatred torwards her not admiting it, i give you







:applause







for not only admitting its not okay but that you want to give it up

its not easy


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *garrettsmommy* 
I'm glad that you have decided to make that change. I'm sure it won't be easy but this board and many like them can help you through it. Also, there is a sticky at the top of this page that shows many helpful books. I am a Christian also. I frequent www.gentlechristianmothers.com It's a great place!

I love the gentlechristianmothers site, too.


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## Treasuremapper (Jul 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Admitting it's wrong and deciding to stop is a HUGE step. Congrats to you for making it









IMO there are two big pieces that need to happen:

1. Decide today, NOW that it will NEVER happen again. NO MATTER WHAT. And stick to it.

2. Tell your kids that it was wrong. Apologize. Tell them it will never happen again.

good luck!

-Angela

What a great thread. Angela, I'm going to use your advice for two things I do: yelling and rushing kids into the car. I'm learning so much.

Marsharell, your posts are very beautiful and moving. Thank you for sharing your journey with us so that all of us can learn.


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