# A friend is using *MY* baby's name...



## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

I think I'm going to throw up. A friend is pregnant, just found out she is having a boy and is naming him Mason....my baby's name that I delivered at 20 week's name. I'm so upset. It's her maiden name and I understand. But....she must have forgotten. She just announced that she is having a boy and that his name is going to be Mason. We have a board that a bunch of close friends have been on together for about 7 years. She KNOWS everything I have gone through . We talked this past summer when we had a big get together and she KNOWS...but, I don't know. She isn't an aquaintance. She is my friend. I think I might have been okay if she would have called me or sent me an email and said, " hey Heather...I *KNOW* that Mason is your baby's name, but we love the name too, and it's my maiden name and we are going to use it. I just wanted to give you a head's up"

sigh. I don't know if I can watch her go through the rest of her pregnancy, and then hear all about the wonderful things *Mason* is doing. I just can't. I feel so awful. I've been crying and I'm just so sad. I know it's not my name to keep from everyone, but I never thought a friend would use that name. I just didn't. When I found out originally, I felt like I was punched repeatedly in the stomache and I swear I almost threw up.

That board has ALL of my bestest friends on it. We are SO close. We get together every summer. We are spread out over the entire country. I don't think I can participate anymore. I know it's selfish...but damn....

Thanks for letting me get that out....


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Oh mama ... I am so sorry. I can totally understand why this would feel like such a body blow. I find it hard to hear my daughter's name even just on TV so I can appreciate that a friend using your child's name would be a toughie.

Just


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Hugs mama. I am so sorry.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

sorry, that's tough.
I've been grateful for the name Dresden.. as I told Shaun, I'll never hear a mom call out DRESDEN time to go!!! I can imagine the punch in the chest just hearing the name of your baby.


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## mollyb33 (Dec 29, 2008)

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. If I heard a stranger being called Colden, I think it would feel like a punch in the stomach so I can only imagine how it feels to have a friend use the name of your sweet baby. I wish I had some advice but all I have is


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## maxwill129 (May 12, 2005)

I couldn't read and not respond. I am so sorry. You have every right to be upset. No, it's not your name to hold forever, but it was your son's name and she would never name her son Mason if your sweet boy were still with you. I think it's rude of her and you don't need to feel selfish.


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## MomofBigBean (Dec 16, 2008)

I'm so sorry, I know I'd probably feel much the same as you. But it does seem as if this name has a deep significance for your friend as well. It's understandable to be upset but it doesn't mean that the hurt was intentional. I'm probably not saying this well, but don't just walk away from your friend and the community you guys have. Maybe a converstion with your friend as to it upsetting you. You can't prevent someone from picking a name but maybe addressing with her why it hurts might help bring a bit more healing.
Hope you find your heart growing lighter soon, best wishes


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

That sucks. Don't make any decisions now about giving up your friends, but give yourself some time and space.

If you feel the need to address it with her then let her know. If she is a real friend she'll understand. If not, sometimes it's okay to let friendships slip away and find new ones. Losing a child is such a huge, life altering experience losing a few friends over it is not uncommon.

I hope you can find peace with her but, more important, I hope you find peace within yourself.

It is a lovely name. Another poster mentioned she wouldn't use it if your Mason was still here. I'm not so sure. If it is her maiden name and means a lot to her she may have used it anyway. Especially if you guys don't live close to each other.

I'm sorry you're in such pain. Your friend should have been a little more considerate and given you some warning before posting it online. I bet she just didn't know what to say so she didn't say anything at all. I find that happens a lot to us. No telling what she was thinking. I've heard a lot of moms post about issues with girlfriends, even ones who have experienced similar losses still act inconsiderate.

Hugs to you. I'll be thinking of you.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

well i don't see the bright side of this, so I am just going to comment for what it is. I feel for ya. I understand why you are hurting because of this. I personally don't think there is any reason for it. Just because her last name used to be mason doesn't constitute a good enough reason for her to name her son that after what you've been through. If I were in her position I would have made it my sons middle name if it meant that much to me. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. People reallyyyyy make it worse for us to deal with the incredible amount of things that we have to go through anyways. Hugs to you!!


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

I'm sorry.









I would talk with her, when you feel up to it. Or maybe email, if talking is too much. As I've seen over and over, people who haven't lost don't usually remember things like this, even after talking about it.

I would ask her if she would consider making it his middle name, instead of a first name. And be honest for my reasons, as well. Even if she chooses to still name him that, at least you'll have gotten this off your chest.

This is so hard, I know. My first loss was over fifteen years ago, and I'm still a tiny bit envious of everyone who has a child with the name I had picked out.


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

I am sorry







I think I would be really hurt by it too.

HUGS


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Forgive me for intruding but I saw this and had to say something. You can tell me to butt out if you want, because I don't understand what you ladies have been through. . . and so I cannot speak to that.

But I can speak to being a friend. In a million years I would never consider your babies names for my own babies, Heather. And I KNOW that you are the same. I remember when you visited and were pregnant with Carlee and were considering using Olivia and then learned that *my* friend, who you barely knew, lost a baby at term who was named Olivia and you crossed the name off your list. Knowing that this is the kind of woman you are - with the kind of big heart and sensitivity, it kills me to see this happen to you and to see you so wrecked about it. I honestly don't know that anything I can say will help.

But I think you need to talk to her. I think it's your place to say "I wish you would have told me." She can use whatever name she wants, but part of being a friend is recognizing and realizing what may or may not be hard for the friends around you -- and at the very least giving them a head's up about it.

I'm sorry. My heart hurts for you, it really does.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Maybe start to see a little less of her?

This exact thing happened to me with our son's name. The friends knew that we were still having a hard time but named their baby this name anyway because it was a "family name". We did drift apart over this and some other issues.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

I have not had a loss like yours but saw your post and had to respond.

Could you talk to or email your friend and tell her that your heart breaks everytime time you hear your little one's name and that you are giving her a heads up that you may have to distance yourself from her and her baby for your own wellbeing?

I think that it is very inconsiderate of your friend to pick that name...

HUGS


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## millefleur (Nov 25, 2008)

I think I would want to throw up too. Ouch. Huge hugs to you, mama. We are here for you.









Do you know, perhaps, if she has been hoping for a long time to name her baby after her maiden name (I for one have had my future babies names picked out since high school)? Or perhaps she thinks it is an "honor" to you to name her baby after yours?

We can never presume to know what is going through someone else's mind until we speak to them. I think the only way to solve this is through communication and honesty.

If it was me, I would wait a few days to see how I felt, and then write her a calm, short letter, explaining exactly how I was feeling (and maybe cause her to think twice).

For example, I would write something like this:

"Dear ______
First of all, I want you to know that you are one of my best friends in the world. That is why I must let you know how I am feeling right now.
As you know, I delivered a baby at 20 weeks. His name was Mason. It was a devastating time for me, as you know, and losing my baby changed me forever.

When I heard that you were going to call your son Mason, I have to admit, it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I know that Mason used to be your last name, so it is a special name for you too, but I couldn't just go on pretending that I wasn't upset by this. Every time I hear the name I relive the pain of losing my baby all over again.

I've been crying and I'm just so sad. I know it's not my name to keep from everyone, but I never thought a friend would use that name. I just didn't think about it. You are my friend, and I don't want our relationship to be strained because of this. That is why I needed you to know this. Please know that I wish you the best, but if I seem distant, it's because I'm hurting right now.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

Love,
Heather"


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I think that's a really excellent letter.


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## Mulvah (Aug 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MFuglei* 
I think that's a really excellent letter.

I agree.

I think a letter is important because as close friends, you should tell her your true feelings.


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## Masel (Apr 14, 2008)

Wow. With a little communication this could have been a powerful thing. My sister's friend's daughter died and when my sister found out that she was going to have a girl she knew she wanted that name as her daugher's middle name. (I hope that last sentence makes sense.) Fortunately, the friend thought this was great. No only is the friend my niece's god mother she also delivered her. My sis's labor went so fast the doctor didn't make it and the friend being the L&D nurse was on the scene.

We're in a similar position. Having just found out I'm expecting the boy's name we keep coming back to is same as that of a friend's child who died of SIDS 13 years ago. DH was his godfather. We are definitely going to check with them.


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## yogal (Dec 27, 2008)

I hope that you guys can continue to be friends and that she validates your grieving and that when she has the new baby you will be able to be there for each other again and have a special bond with him or her too.

See positive affirmation thread for more







: and more team spirit.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...192&highlight=


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Thanks everyone!!! I'm definitely feeling better to be affirmed that I"m NOT some crazy lady who is over reacting.

Millefleur- thanks for the letter. If I decide to write one I will definitley use that letter as a starting point. You made a lot of good points.

Masel- You are absolutely right. If she would have came to me beforehand, and told me it would have been a much easier blow to handle. I'm glad you are going to check with your dh's Godchild's parents about using the name. It is very respectful.

Monica- well, you know how I feel and I love you for being so supportive of me. Only 4 of our friends have reached out to me. So that's been a blow too. I don't expect everyone to remember my "stuff". But to see everyone gushing on her name choice feels like a slight to me. I know in my BRAIN it isn't. But my heart feels otherwise.

I'm still pretty upset so I'm probably not going to say anything just yet. The thing is, I don't want her to feel like she needs to change the name or anything...I just wanted a heads up....some consideration...some respect for my little girl. Oh, and yes, Mason was a girl. There's a GREAT story to her name too. The BEST story.....

A year before I got pregnant, my little boy, Parker said I was going to have a baby boy. He kept on talking about it. Then he added that the baby was going to be named Mason. We don't know any Masons so WHO knows WHERE he got the name. He continued to add to the story- that the baby would be born in the Spring, that he was going to help me with the baby, and on, and on, and on. He always called the baby, "Baby Mason". So, when I did get pregnant, we started calling the baby Mason from the very beginning. The baby was ALWAYS Mason. We talked about just keeping the name for a boy or girl. But I felt the baby was a boy because of Parker's story.

I lost the baby at 20 weeks and delivered the baby vaginally ( my first vaginal birth) at the hosptial. When the baby was delivered, the doctor and nurses said they couldn't confirm the sex of the baby. We wanted to name the baby for the blessing and the papers and for the cremation urn. My husband looked at me and said, " This baby is Mason. No other name will do" And so we named our baby, Mason. I found out weeks later at my post delivery appt. that in the pathology report they said the baby was female. So our Mason, is a girl. I call her Macie sometimes when I talk to her.

Thanks ladies for letting me talk here. I feel better already.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Ouch.







I'm sorry, that must be so hard.

Re millefleur's letter, I think it's a tad ambiguous. It sounds like you're wanting, almost asking, your friend to change the baby's name. If that's not the case, you might want to make it very clear that you don't expect her to change it, you're just explaining why you might find it difficult to be part of "Mason" conversations.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Heather, as soon as I saw that, I thought of you. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, so all I can offer you is some huge, huge hugs.

I am so sorry you are going through this.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MFuglei* 
Forgive me for intruding but I saw this and had to say something. You can tell me to butt out if you want, because I don't understand what you ladies have been through. . . and so I cannot speak to that.

But I can speak to being a friend. In a million years I would never consider your babies names for my own babies, Heather. And I KNOW that you are the same. I remember when you visited and were pregnant with Carlee and were considering using Olivia and then learned that *my* friend, who you barely knew, lost a baby at term who was named Olivia and you crossed the name off your list. Knowing that this is the kind of woman you are - with the kind of big heart and sensitivity, it kills me to see this happen to you and to see you so wrecked about it. I honestly don't know that anything I can say will help.

But I think you need to talk to her. I think it's your place to say "I wish you would have told me." She can use whatever name she wants, but part of being a friend is recognizing and realizing what may or may not be hard for the friends around you -- and at the very least giving them a head's up about it.

I'm sorry. My heart hurts for you, it really does.

I agree with this, Mon. Heather, when you are ready, I would say something to her.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *millefleur* 
I think I would want to throw up too. Ouch. Huge hugs to you, mama. We are here for you.









Do you know, perhaps, if she has been hoping for a long time to name her baby after her maiden name (I for one have had my future babies names picked out since high school)? Or perhaps she thinks it is an "honor" to you to name her baby after yours?

We can never presume to know what is going through someone else's mind until we speak to them. I think the only way to solve this is through communication and honesty.

If it was me, I would wait a few days to see how I felt, and then write her a calm, short letter, explaining exactly how I was feeling (and maybe cause her to think twice).

For example, I would write something like this:

"Dear ______
First of all, I want you to know that you are one of my best friends in the world. That is why I must let you know how I am feeling right now.
As you know, I delivered a baby at 20 weeks. His name was Mason. It was a devastating time for me, as you know, and losing my baby changed me forever.

When I heard that you were going to call your son Mason, I have to admit, it felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I know that Mason used to be your last name, so it is a special name for you too, but I couldn't just go on pretending that I wasn't upset by this. Every time I hear the name I relive the pain of losing my baby all over again.

I've been crying and I'm just so sad. I know it's not my name to keep from everyone, but I never thought a friend would use that name. I just didn't think about it. You are my friend, and I don't want our relationship to be strained because of this. That is why I needed you to know this. Please know that I wish you the best, but if I seem distant, it's because I'm hurting right now.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

Love,
Heather"

I think this is a great letter.

Hugs again, Heather.


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## millefleur (Nov 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smokering* 
Re millefleur's letter, I think it's a tad ambiguous. It sounds like you're wanting, almost asking, your friend to change the baby's name. If that's not the case, you might want to make it very clear that you don't expect her to change it, you're just explaining why you might find it difficult to be part of "Mason" conversations.

Definitely. That was just an example, with me using what she wrote in her OP and turning it into a letter. She would need to personalize it and make it her own.

I also called Mason a boy! Sorry Parker'smommy!







Thanks for sharing the story of her name - so cute! And please keep us updated.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Parker'smommy* 
Monica- well, you know how I feel and I love you for being so supportive of me. Only 4 of our friends have reached out to me. So that's been a blow too. I don't expect everyone to remember my "stuff". But to see everyone gushing on her name choice feels like a slight to me. I know in my BRAIN it isn't. But my heart feels otherwise.

I cannot pretend to know how your heart feels, but I think I have an intellectual idea of what and where that pain is, you know? A textbook understanding, if you will.

I will tell you that I KNOW that even if people haven't reached out, I know for a FACT that there are people who want to, people who feel weird and in some strange place, I've had multiple conversations with others about it and encouraged them, consistently, to reach out to you.

People don't know what to say, and often, as so many of you realize, they say nothing. I'm sorry for that. But Heather, I want you to know, that while tohers may not have reached out yet, it doesn't mean their hearts don't hurt for you.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I LOVE your Mason story. how sweet. I'm so sorry this is happening. huge huge hugs to you and your family.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

it's been a bit since you posted this....did you ever talk to your friend about it?


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## Yulia_R (Jan 7, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss, mama (HUGS)

The first thing that came to my mind when I read your post is what if this is her way to show you that she remembers (and always will) your precious baby?...


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

I can so relate....

I now have a neice named Ava. Ava was the name of the baby I lost at 16 weeks, my first m/c. I have a new baby now, named Fiona. We were going to name her Ava, after her big sis, but decided it was not right. We decided on Fiona with a middle name to honor her big sis.

One month after Fiona was born, I heard through the grapevine my brother's plans to take the name, because I passed on it. I wrote a long email. They don't know the pain of a lose, but they do know I have a memorial garden, they do know a sewed an ordiment for both babies I lost to honor them on the holidays, the do know that one goes by the name of Ava the other Ben (though they remind me that I did not know if Ben was really a boy)

They named their baby Ava. When the announcement card came in my 3yo asked 'if that was our baby'.

I will not be filled with anger, but at the same time I cannot forgive someone who is not sorry.

My advice, let her know everything that is in your heart. Then the ball is in her court. If she chooses the name, you don't have to be okay with it.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

I still haven't said anything....ugh.....I wrote a big rememberance of Mason on her birthday. She replied and no mention of the name. She knows...she MUST know how it hurts.

And sadly for her, her sweet baby boy is being born with some medical problems. So of course, if I say anything...I'll be the jerk.... I don't know.

Oh....and get this....her baby's due date ( I wasn't sure before the exact date) is 5 days before Mason's due date so her pregnancy with her baby is following the same path as my Mason's...except hers is continuing past 20 weeks ( thank GOD of course....) It's just been very painful.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so very sorry. This must just be heart wrenching for you.


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## KirstenMary (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Parker'smommy* 
I still haven't said anything....ugh.....I wrote a big rememberance of Mason on her birthday. She replied and no mention of the name. She knows...she MUST know how it hurts.

And sadly for her, her sweet baby boy is being born with some medical problems. So of course, if I say anything...I'll be the jerk.... I don't know.

Oh....and get this....her baby's due date ( I wasn't sure before the exact date) is 5 days before Mason's due date so her pregnancy with her baby is following the same path as my Mason's...except hers is continuing past 20 weeks ( thank GOD of course....) It's just been very painful.

Hugs, Heather.


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## millefleur (Nov 25, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Parker'smommy* 
I still haven't said anything....ugh.....I wrote a big rememberance of Mason on her birthday. She replied and no mention of the name. She knows...she MUST know how it hurts.

And sadly for her, her sweet baby boy is being born with some medical problems. So of course, if I say anything...I'll be the jerk.... I don't know.

Oh....and get this....her baby's due date ( I wasn't sure before the exact date) is 5 days before Mason's due date so her pregnancy with her baby is following the same path as my Mason's...except hers is continuing past 20 weeks ( thank GOD of course....) It's just been very painful.

I'm so sorry - you must be in so much pain. I think you have to make a decision to either say something soon (whatever it is you need to say, in whatever form you need to say it) and just let it out, or decide that you are going to let it go, and really let it go. Not that you aren't allowed to feel it, but I'm talking about acceptance. It is what it is, and it is your choice how to handle it. I hate to see it eating you up inside, and she will never be able to read your mind and know exactly what you feel or what you want unless you tell her. I think by giving yourself some power in this situation, you will save yourself a lot of agony. Many, many hugs to you, mama.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *millefleur* 
I'm so sorry - you must be in so much pain. I think you have to make a decision to either say something soon (whatever it is you need to say, in whatever form you need to say it) and just let it out, or decide that you are going to let it go, and really let it go. Not that you aren't allowed to feel it, but I'm talking about acceptance. It is what it is, and it is your choice how to handle it. I hate to see it eating you up inside, and she will never be able to read your mind and know exactly what you feel or what you want unless you tell her. I think by giving yourself some power in this situation, you will save yourself a lot of agony. Many, many hugs to you, mama.










You are exactly right. I need to accept it, in my heart, either way. I'm just thinking about how to go about it....I feel so bad for her as her baby is being born with so many medical problems, but she hasn't been all "whoa is me" either. She's very in tune to the fact that her baby IS going to be born, and that's enough to be thankful about...kwim? I would hate that by telling her how I feel, that it would add more to her plate, kwim? As much as it hurts me....I don't want to hurt her back.

And THANK YOU so much for you guys thinking of me...and my pain...my journey. It's been two years since I gave birth to a silent and still baby girl that I named Mason on Feb. 11th. It still doesn't seem real that it is MY story.


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