# So sick of defending my parenting style!



## BekahMomToOliver (Oct 31, 2008)

So, apparently because I don't yell at my baby or hit him when he's 'naughty', I'm ruining him and raising a potential 'hellion' ( my mom's exact words).
Since we live with my parents (with all due respect, hopefully not for much longer), my mom and sister (20 without kids) feel like they can chime in with little pearls of 'wisdom' every single time Oliver 'misbehaves' (and my mom has a totally different idea of what constitutes bad behavior than me). Example: This morning Oliver was trying to press the buttons on their VCR. I told him " please don't touch, that's Grandad's!" and redirected him to one of his new toys. It didn't hold his attention for long, and he was right back to the VCR. This time after I redirected, I sat right in front of the VCR and played with him with some blocks. My theory is that eventually he'll either get the picture that he shouldn't touch it, or get tired of the redirection and find something else. Either way, he'll learn that VCR=redirection, so leave the VCR alone. Then my mom started telling me that I should "just smack his fingers and tell him no!" and that "once you've had 5 kids you'll learn that letting him rule you is a biiiiig mistake". With her it's always "Oliver, no! No no no!" It's her absolute favorite word, and he only has to be walking in the general direction of something she doesn't want him touching and the "No's" begin in earnest. She doesn't offer him any alternatives either, so the poor kid is so confused. She's getting very comfortable with this. Yesterday she even patted him on the bum because he was "bothering" the cat (he was giving it kisses).
My sister likes to play rough with him. When he was younger, she encouraged him to bite her nose, pull her hair, stuff like that. She'll do the same to him, pretending to bite his fingers or his shirt despite my telling her it wouldn't be cute when he was older. Well, lo and behold, now that he's stronger and has teeth it's not so much fun for her. The worst part is, she has NO impulse control and will reactively hurt him if he hurts her! For example, the other day I was holding him as I made him a bottle. She came up to him for a kiss, and he bit her nose. Well, now that he has 6 teeth, it hurt, and before I knew it she had screamed and hit him on the shoulder!







I was shocked and immediately let her know it was absolutely never okay to hit a child, let alone someone else's! We had this huge argument, wherein she compared him to my sister's baby and a friend's four month old and said that "they'd never do that" and that Oliver's a brat and is going to be the absolute worst child in the family because I let him do whatever he wants with no consequences (in her eyes, 1] infants should understand consequences as well as adults do, and 2]the only consequences that count are physical ones). Now she thinks it's her business to personally criticise our parenting style at every opportunity. We're not getting along very well, as you can probably guess







: I've basically been telling her to butt out, since she doesn't even have kids and has no idea what she's talking about. She won't listen if I try to explain why we do things a different way. Today she said "I often wonder about kids nowadays. They have no respect and they're all so bratty". She was clearly trying to blame "pushover" parents (as she has called me).
Our sister never hit her oldest child. He was a difficult toddler, who often would hurt people or animals. He liked to throw rocks at people and would carry a big stick around, sometimes hitting people or animals with it. It wasn't great, and they blamed my sister and her parenting style for it. Even though I point out that he's a very smart, sweet and loving teenager now, they think that since he was never physically disciplined as a baby, he in turn was "ruined". They keep telling me Oliver will be just like him as a toddler because I "let him get away with everything". There's no accounting for individual personality with these people!!
It's really bothering us. It comes up several times a day now and I could explain myself until I'm blue in the face and they don't listen. My mom's way is the right way, I'm naively letting my child rule the roost and they can't wait until the day they can say "I told ya so". This really, really sucks. How can I get them to respect us enough to butt out????


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Honestly, I think your real solution is to move out.

Until then, I'd come up with some simple, one line comments and then change the discussion.

"Hitting a child teaches a child it's OK to hit." (You could point out that your sister taught him to bite her!)

"He's 12 months old, he's got a lifetime to learn."

"Discipline means teaching. I'm teaching him not to touch grandpa's things by giving him other things to do."

"Tell him what you want him to do. There's a lot of no-nos around, so he doesn't know which one you mean."

"You made your mistakes with your kids, now it's my turn!"


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## ians_mommy (Apr 5, 2008)

I would let my sister know that if she ever hit my child again I would knock her out...if she wants to hit she can hit someone her own size.
I know violence isnt the answer...but I can not be held responsible for my actions if someone hit my child.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

I hope you can get a plae of your own soon (HUGS) I had a big fall out with my mom this morning - who lives on the other side of the country - over the whole hitting issue. My father when I visited last not so subtly implied my son wouldnt have a learning disability if I would just spank him. . . um... yeah... wish I could help but sometimes parents need to learn what their role is in our life, we are parents now too, but they don't seem to understand


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## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
Honestly, I think your real solution is to move out.

Until then, I'd come up with some simple, one line comments and then change the discussion.

"Hitting a child teaches a child it's OK to hit." (You could point out that your sister taught him to bite her!)

"He's 12 months old, he's got a lifetime to learn."

"Discipline means teaching. I'm teaching him not to touch grandpa's things by giving him other things to do."

"Tell him what you want him to do. There's a lot of no-nos around, so he doesn't know which one you mean."

"You made your mistakes with your kids, now it's my turn!"










it sounds like engaging them doesn't work. frankly, i'd probably lose it and tell them to not comment if they can't say anything nice.

i'm sorry for your situation, it sounds like you are doing a GREAT job as a mama! hang in there, won't they be surprised when oliver turns out polite and compassionate and empathetic because that's how he was treated.


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## jmmom (Sep 11, 2007)

Wow, your 20 yr old sister, raised by your parents who presumably hit her in order to teach impulse control, has no impulse control and hits...hmm...don't think I'd opt to raise my kids that way. ;-)

I'm sorry this is happening for you, and I hope you are able to move out soon. It's really tough when having children causes so much difficulty within families.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

You guys are in a tough situation. Sounds like you're doing a great job with your son. And, it sounds like it's time to quit discussing your parenting style and time to lay down some boundaries.

Let your family members know that you're the mom and you are responsible for and make the decisions for your son. Tell them you expect them to respect your wishes just as you respect their wishes (but, they do not have any say in how your son is raised - that is the parents' responsibility, not the grandparents, aunt, etc.). Have this talk with them once when your son is not around. Do not discuss your parenting style - if they bring it up and try to tear into you about your "mistakes" (which they will because that is how they will defend themselves) tell them is not open for discussion. Keep repeating "this is not open for discussion" whenever they bring it up and resist temptation to say anything about anyone else's parenting style around them. You'll just open yourself up to a "discussion" if you talk about any other parenting styles - the ones you like and the ones you dislike.

Explain that if they can't respect your parenting decisions then their access to your son will be limited (be ready to follow through with this). Sometimes tough love is what it takes to get through to adults.

Eventually, if you stick to your guns, they will get the message. And, hopefully, they will begin to see you as an adult and a parent instead of their little girl.

I hope you guys are able to move out soon. Best wishes!


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I think that you'll need to be firm with them and not let them turn things into a debate.

"You may not hit my child." End of discussion.

It also doesn't sound like living with them is going to work well, especially with him getting into things more as he grows.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

A 20 year old hit a baby?

Is there any way at all to move out faster?










Don't let your sister near him, and tell your mom that she can say "I told you so" *after* you complain to her.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

But, isn't he only a year old?


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
"Hitting a child teaches a child it's OK to hit." (You could point out that your sister taught him to bite her!)

When I read that, I thought a good sentence would be "You taught him to bite...please don't teach him to hit."

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Don't let your sister near him, and tell your mom that she can say "I told you so" *after* you complain to her.

Ooh that's good too.


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## oliversmum2000 (Oct 10, 2003)

wow - i really understand

in fact my first born is also called oliver!! so reading your post really struck a chord. he was also the first grandchild for my parents and my mum and sister had plenty to say on the matter it was so hard. all you can do is stick to your guns and also not allow him to be mistreated, i would try to not allow contact with your sister she sounds like she has real boundary issues. once my sister told me (years after it happened) that when my ds was a toddler that she and my mum left him to cry in a cot to try to get him to sleep but unfortunately i showed up shortly after.....









my first born is now 8 years old and my mum has had to eat humble pie as he is an amazing child and she knows it. she has mellowed enormously over the years and my sister now has a child and everyone is so much more understanding and relaxed. i think it was a steep learning curve for my mum not being the mum and being in charge and she really found it difficult to let go and let me do things my way.

when relationships change it is never easy people have to find a new role in life and the period of adapting can take a long time. please just remember you dont have to answer to anybody and that they do not have the right to judge you and try to find peace in your heart knowing that you are doing a wonderful job.


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## Lily Eve (Feb 15, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ians_mommy* 
I would let my sister know that if she ever hit my child again I would knock her out...if she wants to hit she can hit someone her own size.
I know violence isnt the answer...but I can not be held responsible for my actions if someone hit my child.









:

I would move in with someone else temporarily if possible. And tell them they need to educate themselves on child rearing before you ever visit them again. If they don't change, I would cut off all contact with them. They sound horribly abusive to me and if a sibling of mine hit my baby, well, let's just say that they would be knocked unconscious immediately afterward.

My baby is also at that stage of pressing DVD buttons but I just try to re-direct him. He always goes back, but he will outgrow this stage eventually and I would prefer he gain knowledge from the world rather than saying no to him all of the time. Your mom really doesn't sound like a nice person if she's advocating smacking a baby over such a thing. I would leave your family and tell them to get lost personally. It doesn't sound nice I know, but you can't change people and the ignorant amongst us, like your mom, will alway stay the same. Anyone who thinks hitting babies is okay has not an ounce of decency in them.


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## N8'sMom (Jun 25, 2007)

Be firm with your sister. It's NOT okay to hit children...especially a baby.
She needs to know and UNDERSTAND that you will not tolerate it.


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## Tdunahoo (Apr 10, 2008)

I just wanted to say I understand completely. We just visited my family (who lucky for me lives far away from us) and my DS is almost 12 months as well.The entire time we were there I got the same thing about how I should smack him to teach him not to touch, I let him make all the rules blah blah. My 16 year old brother and 21 year old sister are apparently pros at child-rearing since both of them also felt the need to tell me my child will be a brat if I don't "cut the cord" and let him CIO..

What I suggest is telling your family that you understand that they have a certain way that they believe is best for raising a child and so do you, and you're going to do what feels right for you. Remind your mom that she probably didn't appreciate the advice from her mother (or inlaws) when it came to how to raise a chid and that you'd appreciate the respect she would have liked to have? I also explain that it doesn't make sense to teach a child not to hit by hitting and I always say I'd rather have my DS explore and touch everything with my supervision so he can learn than have him cooped up and bored.

I have a temper when it comes to people making comments about my DS so I know I could never live with my parents and I can't give the best advice about "keeping your cool" when discussing but from the sounds of it they aren't listening so I agree with PP set boundaries, let them know there will be no hitting, no yelling and if they don't like something you do too bad its not their child. They'll "get it" when your son is older and a respectful happy boy.

Hugs to you momma!


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## RomanCarmelMom (Dec 2, 2008)

Your sister called your son a brat when she didn't have her way? I would have been sooo tempted to say "pot, meet kettle." Or I'd be tempted to say something like "Mom, I'm not taking parenting advice from you because I do not want my son to behave like my sister. If you don't want to hear me criticize your parenting, then please refrain from criticizing mine."


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## Mosaic (Jun 20, 2005)

Honestly, there's no point in trying to explain GD to them because they're not interested. Your best bet may be to look them straight in the eye and remind them that you're well aware that your parenting choices today will have long-lasting impacts and that no one, _no one_, is more invested in making sure your DS grows up to be happy/healthy/well-adjusted/etc. than you are.

Agree to disagree on parenting styles, and volunteer to eat crow if your son turns out to be a handful as long as they promise to eat crow when he turns out confident, creative, and bright.

And don't worry too much about it... Your son is not even 1! Within a year I bet your family will be singing a different tune.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I'm just utterly baffled at why the person with a normal 1-year old has to defend her parenting choices to a badly behaving 20-year old and the person who raised that 20-year old. Or I guess not baffled, just disappointed in the world.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ians_mommy* 
I would let my sister know that if she ever hit my child again I would knock her out...if she wants to hit she can hit someone her own size.
I know violence isnt the answer...but I can not be held responsible for my actions if someone hit my child.


Agreed. You lay a hand on my child and all bets are off. family or not.

Hopefully you and your family will be moving out soon.


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## Unconventional1 (Apr 3, 2006)

I am a bit saddened by all these people saying they would have knocked her sister out- violence begets violence- no matter what age you are.

I had a similar conversation with my dad over christmas at my grandmother's house. My cousin's 3 yo son was there and my dad commented on how great my son was for doing what was asked by not touching all of the glass figurines and tree ornaments (not easy since EVERYTHING is a glass figurine in that house), and how terrible the 3 yo was because he did it anyway. He then went on to say how 3 yo's grandma (my dad's sister) "just spanks him and spanks him and he still doesn't get it!"

I lost it on him- I told him DS has NEVER been touched in that manner. We work hard to get him to not touch those things, but we always used kind words and reassurance to get to that point. How was 3 yo supposed to get that he had to be nice when the adults in his life hit him as a way of telling him he was wrong? My dad tried to defend his stance (he believes in slapping hands, etc as well). But I cut him off and told him that anyone who ever touched my son in that manner would never see him again, and then I ended the conversation at that point.

I know my dad is upset- but this was a very important boundery that I had to set with him.

Good luck to you- you are doing the right thing and have gotten some great advise on here- just be firm with your stance, and tell your sister you are not comfortable with her interacting with your son until she has more self control than he does.


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## simplymother (Dec 18, 2008)

Just had to say thank you for the line, "You made your mistakes with your kids. Now it's my turn."

Love it! It reminds them that they weren't perfect parents--not even perfect in the ways _they_ thought were right, while at the same time implying humility that we may not know exactly the right thing to do either. But still: Leave me alone and let me do it!

And to the OP, I am so sorry and I hope you can find better living arrangements soon. Living with another family, no matter who they are, or how well you agree (or disagree), is incredibly stressful.


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## yoginisarah (Dec 20, 2007)

I also have an Oliver.








Anyway, definitely move out as quickly as possible. Until then I would just say "my parenting is not negotiable or up for discussion." I wouldn't even defend my choices to them. It isn't going to change their minds until they realize in a few years what a sweet, creative, amazing little boy he has become.
I decided long ago that if any adult purposefully hit my child, no matter who it was, that I would file a police report. It's the same thing that I would do if an adult hit me.


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## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

Just wanted to give you a







, and tell you that you're doing a great job.

Those one-liners that LynnS6 gave you are great....I lived with my inlaws for almost a year when my ds was younger and oh.my.gosh it was such an unpleasant experience, to say the least. My FIL and I got into it so many times - he is an authoritarian and was always talking about how corporal punishment is necessary if you don't want to ruin your kid. I would have loved to see the look on his face if I had told him: "You made your mistakes with your kids, now it's my turn!" Heh.

I hope you find another living arrangement soon.


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## DogwoodFairy (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ians_mommy* 
I would let my sister know that if she ever hit my child again I would knock her out...if she wants to hit she can hit someone her own size.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lily Eve* 
... and if a sibling of mine hit my baby, well, let's just say that they would be knocked unconscious immediately afterward.

I thought the point of raising our children with gentle discipline is to teach them that we do not solve issues by hitting others?

I understand the emotion behind these comments, not to mention I've certainly curbed my impulse in the past to knock someone (my MIL) flat on their ass when I found that my child was being mistreated.

I hope these comments were made merely as a representation of emotion, and aren't truly what would happen. A toddler will quickly learn to take a swing when he sees adults doing it to each other!


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## BekahMomToOliver (Oct 31, 2008)

Thank you, everyone, for your support. One of the reasons I think MDC is such a wonderful resource is that there are so many different perspectives available, and I've found quite a few that really resonate with me and our situation, it's great.
The past few days there has pretty much been an unspoken agreement around here not to bring it all up. It's not outright _respect_ or anything, but it's better than the nonstop criticism. I really think the problem lies in the fact that there really is an issue here with two families under one little roof, and we're all rubbing each other the wrong way. Our unique living situation means that we all have more insight into each other's lives than would be "normal" (and healthy) for parents with kids of our age, so alot of it is just boundaries being overstepped because of that.
Anyway, Oliver's doing great despite all this, which really is the important thing, right? Lately, if he comes across something he thinks he shouldn't have (for example, a cat toy), he brings it right to me, which floors me considering his age (and I won't lie, it makes my job easier, lol) That's a good sign to me that he is continuing to explore and learn about the world in a really positive way, despite the "Oliver, no no No!"'s.
Anyway, we're working on closing the deal on a little home of our own nearby, close enough that he can still have a good relationship with my family but with enough space that we can all have a little breathing room. After two and a half years, we need it!!! If it doesn't work out, we've agreed to bite the bullet and rent somewhere else in the next couple of months, despite the fact that our rent will almost double... we just really need our own space, I think it will help all of our relationships immensely.
Anyway, thank you everyone for your responses. It's clear to us now that to continue to be strong in our resolve to parent him this way, we need our own little fortress from which to battle


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## ians_mommy (Apr 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Socks for Supper* 
I thought the point of raising *our* children with gentle discipline is to teach them that we do not solve issues by hitting others?

I understand the emotion behind these comments, not to mention I've certainly curbed my impulse in the past to knock someone (my MIL) flat on their ass when I found that my child was being mistreated.

I hope these comments were made merely as a representation of emotion, and aren't truly what would happen. A toddler will quickly learn to take a swing when he sees adults doing it to each other!

Nope...not emotion...I know darn well I would clock anyone that hit my child.
I can deal with my son seeing that and having to explain that "mommy was wrong". I CAN NOT deal with my son thinking Mommy wont protect him if someone physically assaults him. I also know who I am and I am comfortable with it.

ETA: Your interpretation of raising *your* children with gentle discipline is your own. I raise *my* child very gently, but he will always know that his mother will protect him no matter what.


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## caro113 (Aug 25, 2008)

I have similar family issues as well. We are also currently living with my parents - economy sucks with layoffs - and it is truly a living hell when it comes to parenting styles. My mother is constantly telling me that I need to let my baby cry it out and if I hold her too much - instead of leaving her in her swing to cry - that I'm going to have a very clingy baby. I assume she also believes in spanking a child since she and my father used to do that to me with belts and hangers. I tried explaining it to them, but it just doesn't work and I have since given up on trying. When my mother asks to be with the baby to 'give me a break' I just stopped saying yes. It's horribly difficult, I know, but I just avoid her the best I can. We converted a bedroom to a media room where we keep the TV and PS3, along with the swing and vibrating chair. I keep the bottles and formula and pump and milk bags up here next to the mini fridge I still have from college and wash everything in the bathroom sink, or downstairs in the kitchen when no one is around.
I tried telling her how I don't believe in that and I'm not raising a clingy child, I'm raising a child who understands that when she needs something, her needs will be met and she will trust me to meet them. The only time I ever let her 'cry-it-out' is when shes sleeping and I'm doing something and she whimpers. Most of the time she does it in her sleep and stops after two or three little whimpers (I watched once when she did it to make sure and she is not waking up) If after that she is still making noise, I check on her and if shes still sleeping I wait, watching her, to see if she opens her eyes. If she does, I pick her up and go on with my day. If not, I leave her be. I don't really constitute that as CIO, but yeah. Oh, and she also believes that when baby is fussy, she should be put in the swing to calm herself down, since she needs to learn to self-sooth (I finally yelled at her for that one "she's three months old! She doesn't need to learn that")
Even now, I have trust issues. I never fully open up to people and I am always flinching when someone raises a hand in my general direction and I truly believe this is because of my parents' parenting style. And I most certainly do not want that for my child. I will let her decide when she wants to sleep alone at night and I will let her decide when she wants to stop nursing - even though that seems like now since she wont (long story, separate post about that one). My mother doesn't like it, but my mother isn't the one with a baby here, I am.

I hope your situation gets better. You need to move out, but I understand how hard that is. Good luck with everything!!

PS: Happy 1st Birthday Oliver!!







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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Quote:

ETA: Your interpretation of raising your children with gentle discipline is your own. I raise my child very gently, but he will always know that his mother will protect him no matter what.
I'd be furious if someone hit my child when trying to discipline him. But, I also wouldn't start a physical altercation that might land me in jail. If I had to physically step in to stop them I'd do that in a heart beat but if it was a one time spank and no physical contact was happening between that person and my son I wouldn't start it back up out of anger. There are plenty of other alternatives including calling the police and filing a report against the person that hit him.

I can protect my son without having to clock someone and he'd know it.


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