# Still feeling anti-social 3.5 weeks after mc...



## vanessa36 (Aug 24, 2008)

Hi all. I found out my little 12 weeker passed away at an ultrasound 3.5 weeks ago. The baby measured at 11k6d, so the passing had been very recent. (So recent that it is still hard for me to not think that it was all a big mistake.)

I had a d & c 3 days later.

That was 3 weeks ago. Before this, we have had a very, very active social life as a family, children included. I'm still feeling anti-social. I don't really want to go hang out with people very much, although this taxes my children because we homeschool. I've been sticking with weekday social activities, but we have a party tonight at a friends house and I just don't want to go. I skipped out on a friends house last week too. I just feel like staying home in my pj's with my family. Of course, the family needs to get out too, but I think the kids are doing fine with their weekly social activities. We went out three times over the last week with friends and every day of the week just ourselves, which is less than usual but still plenty. We also have an extremely active social week ahead of us this M-F.

The problem is that I have a friend that feels that the way to recover these things is to get back out there. So I wonder sometimes if she is right and if I am wallowing. Bless her, she has never had a miscarriage, and she means well, but she has said stupid things like, "well at least you....(followed by a horror story of her friend's miscarriage)"

It's not just this friend. No one is putting any pressure, but there is this general, "Oh, we miss you, you should come out more" vibe. Even my husband thinks being social might be a good idea. He has been super-supportive, but I feel, I don't know, it was JUST THREE WEEKS AGO THAT I WAS SPORTIN' A RAGING PREGNANT BELLY AND NOW IT IS GONE.

I used to be very anti-social and that changed over the last few years, and now I feel myself slipping back into old homebody ways.

Is it normal/okay to still just want to stay home after 3 weeks (even if it means my family doesn't get out as much?) (I'm the social contact for most of this stuff, so it isn't always the kind of thing where dh can take the kids while I stay home.)

Thanks for letting me get that out.

Vanessa


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## mags (May 4, 2004)

Yes, it's normal and I think everyone grieves differently. I don't think it's right for your friend to think that you need to just jump back in to get into the swing of things. For me, I look back to when I had my m/c's and see that I fall into a depressive pattern afterwards and withdraw from others. It took a while before I came out of it on my own. You should allow yourself to grieve, and not feel badly about it or have anyone else make you feel like you are weird for feeling this way.







From my exp ppl are often very insensitive about what it is like to go through a m/c and don't know what to say. I felt like punching ppl after I had my m/c's and they would say stupid things.


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## BeccaSue1029 (Apr 2, 2008)

Mama, take all the time you need to grieve. I'm sure those people DO miss you, but don't rush into things if you don't feel the need. I know it's hard, I've been there.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

I think that withdrawing is a normal part of the grief process. Sometimes I force myself to be social, and usually end up having a decent time at an event, and sometimes I withdraw. I am much more in tune with recognizing my feelings when deciding to socialize than before my son died. I am more comfortable in small groups, for instance. If I'm at a social event and don't want to be there anymore, I leave. I have no desire to go to the bachelorette party I was invited to today, so I'm not going. I'd rather have a quiet day at home.

It's still so soon after your loss. Don't let others pressure you into what doesn't feel right.


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## vanessa36 (Aug 24, 2008)

Thanks everyone. I skipped the party. Instead I went out shopping for new clothes. I had gained too much weight during my pregnancy (11lbs in 12 weeks, whoops) and I still have 5lbs to go, so I wasn't going to buy any clothes. DH saw me sad and said, "go shopping." That is SO unlike him. I told him I still had weight to lose and didn't want to spend money on clothes that I might not need in a month. He said, "if you lose all the weight, you're going to need some slightly bigger clothes when you start growing the next baby." So out the door I went!

I spent the entire evening shopping (and stuck to a budget and got some great deals) and skipped the party. Instead we all had a pillow fight at home and then put the kids to bed. I know in my heart that none of my friends will mind or be upset except for this one friend, who is probably going to get her panties in a wad (I can tell when she's mad...she gets really quiet and distant or moody.) But I decided I don't care. I feel better this evening and my husband did a great job of helping me to feel better.

I appreciate everyone's kind words today. It is a roller coaster, and I might even be crying in half an hour, but every little bit of kindness helps me heal a little more.

Thanks again,

Vanessa


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Just your "reduced" social schedule would have me running for the hills. That's a lot of social activity! Why should you feel guilty/worried about wanting time to get away from it all and to work through your loss?


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## brightonwoman (Mar 27, 2007)

Been there done that...three times actually. One thing I noticed was that DH and I grieved in totally different ways. He wanted to go out and do things and get his mind on other topics (ie, squelch the grief away). I wanted to sit and wallow in it, talk about it, think about it, talk about it some more... obviously not the same at all!
I did 'get out' but not for a while...and when I did 'go out' it was sporadic, and only if I felt like it at the time. I didn't let myself feel obligated or pressured to go to anything, but depending how I felt, I did go to some things. I didn't go to any baby showers for a couple of years...but I did go to most other things within a few weeks. I reserve(d) the right to avoid (or stick to) the miscarriage topic if/when I needed to, and I still will walk away from people who aren't sensitive about it.
You understand taht your child has died, and you miss that child. Most other people don't reallyg et that...they see you as 'not pregnant' rather than as the mother of a baby whom you will never hold...they are uncomfortable with the topic in general. I have made a sortof mission of correcting that perception, and don't shy away from talking about miscarriage. I think there are millions of grieving women out there and we need better support.







to you. I hope the coming days get a little more bearable.


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## vanessa36 (Aug 24, 2008)

Thank you so much.

I think I rushed to get back in the game because of pressure from this particular friend. I went out the Wed. after my Fri. loss and my friend told me that day, "If you didn't come, I was going to go to your house and drag you out!" I know she meant well, but I could have stayed home all that week. She was also very "worried" that my kids would suffer from having to stay home with a sad mom. But I think if we had stayed home that week, we probably would have done a lot of reading and cuddling together.

To the pp who mentioned the "reduced" schedule: actually, the active schedule has partly been a problem before the mc. To be honest, I think I was overdoing it (and I can't help but add that to the list of 'what ifs.') I think I just get a LOT of pressure from this one friend, and after a long talk with dh tonight, it's time for me to create my own space and not worry so much about disappointing others (a bad habit of mine that led me to going out and about so soon after m/c.)

Anyway, thanks for all the support. I so appreciate it!

Vanessa


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## railyuh (Jun 29, 2005)

Oh mama, be gentle with yourself and take all the time you need. There is no such thing as normal or the right thing to do or the right way to grieve in these things. If getting out helps you, then get out, but if you want to stay home then stay home. Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. You need time







:


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Don't let your friend pressure you. Take all the time you need to grieve.







And there is nothing bad about having your kids see a sad mom. Our society seems to want to hide grief when it really shouldn't be hidden. Don't be afraid that your kids will be scarred by seeing you cry. Just tell them mom is sad and needs a hug. And a hug from your kids will definitely make you feel better.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

I could hardly stand most people for months, I retreated into this wonderful world and I was okay with that, too.

Be kind to yourself, it sucks.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Yes, it's okay.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Do what YOU are comfortable with. It's different for everybody.
It's been 6 months for me and this is the first month I have started to feel better emotionally.
As for being anti social...been there and still doing it a bit. For the first few months I didn't want to be around anybody that didn't understand what we were going through. For others, their lives go on...for me...I was grieving and didn't want to be around anybody that couldn't accept that. That meant I had to tell a few friends I was having a hard time and that I needed my space respected.

*hugs*

there is no script for grief.


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## mandomomma (Nov 30, 2006)

I am right there with you. It has only been two weeks for me, but I don't want to leave the house or talk to anyone. Everytime I do, it is exhausting. We are also a social family, going places all the time. The past two weeks have been glorious fall weather too, the kind we would usually be hiking or whatever in. I was even giving my DH lip about needing to get out more right before it happened.

Anyway, the only place I want to be is home, preferably on the couch with a blanket. Much love to you.


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