# Tantrums



## TreeLove (Nov 20, 2001)

Abe's really into pitchin' a fit. It seems like the more I try to comfort or distract him the more frustrated he gets. He pushes my face and whines and pulls my hair. If I just lay him on the floor he seems to get over it fairly easily. This goes against *everything* I believe/feel, but it seems to work for him.

Why doesn't he need me?


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## SoHappy (Nov 19, 2001)

Abe needs you. He also sometimes needs to listen to his body and mind when they say "We're over-stimulated and we're making you crabby, so get that mommy out of your face, lay down and chill for a while."


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

jackson wants to be left alone sometimes when he's upset, like I do. Not always, but sometimes. I respect that but also am ready to give love when he's ready. I just wish he'd stop wacking his head on the floor when he's mad! LOL


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## peacemama (Nov 21, 2001)

Rebecca does that too - if she gets hurt she'll get hysterical and the whole thing turns into a big screaming fit directed at me, as though I pushed her into the table or whatever. She also does this when she wakes up in a beastly mood from a nap. Hard not to take it personally, but I guess they just get so overwhelmed. Usually I just stay in the room and try to keep talking to her in a calm voice, and eventually she just comes out of it on her own. He does need you, but in a different way.


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

This is great! All week I've been seeing posts like "I don't let my baby cry", or "my baby never cries", and I started to think "How do they do that?!?"

Despite our best efforts as AP parents, dd - now 19 mos - still has her moments! She hits her head on the floor, too. Especially when she wakes up in a foul mood after a late nap - 5 pm to 8 pm.

I've never lost my patience with her, always attempted to comfort her, but sometimes no amount of comforting works. She screams if I hold her, she screams more if I put her down. Two things do work: a bath, or going outside.

She's such a sweet girl: helpful, kind, caring, independent...you name it. But, sometimes if you give her the green crayon instead of the red one, or turn the light off instead of on, or put her socks on before her pants....BAM!!! She becomes like possessed!


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## mamaoso (Nov 28, 2001)

I've always thought that the "never let them cry" philosophy was for infants and not toddlers. I'm not saying that I never respond, if he needs me I am always available to comfort him. However there are times when I know he is just mad over not getting his way and throws a fit. I give him a brief, non-emotional explanation of why he can't play with the scissors, or whatever it is, and then I ignore him and go on with my business. Usually he gets over it pretty quickly. A lot of times when he is having a tantrum he won't even let me pick him up anyway. I feel that it's important for me to let him know that "you can't always get what you want."


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## ThisBabyOfMine (Dec 20, 2001)

Lane's doing this too. I generally try to comfort her first and if she doens't repond positivly, I lay her down somewhere safe and wait a few moments till she calms down a bit. When she's done she'll give me the "look". I pick her up and she hugs me very tightly until she feels better. Holding her during the fit doesn't seem to work, though I wish I could comfort her then too.


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## Linda in Arizona (Nov 20, 2001)

There was a really nice article about this a few years ago in Mothering. It was called "Tempering Tantrums." The authors basic point was that some times kids do this to blow of stem and then they feel better afterwards. My older DD did this. I used to give her a cool wash cloth to wipe off her face afterward. It seemed to help her transition back into normal life.

Treelove, he does need you. Just in a different way.


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## Mommy22B (Nov 20, 2001)

I guess all one and a half year olds get "posessed" once in awhile.







It is so hard to handle withour obsessing over "what am I doing wrong.???"


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

OMG, I was talking about this w Peacemama! I have been just beating myself up thinking it's my fault, he doesn't like me, he's not attatched enough....BLAH!


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## shanti (Jan 2, 2002)

I can relate to everyone of these replys! My 2 year old Taryn is at times so intense that it IS hard not to take it personally...But I know that part of it is just me. I agree that the "don't let them cry it out" method is very appropriate for infants, but toddlers need that release. I never leave her alone unless she wants to be and tells me so...I can understand; sometimes I need to be alone to. And sometimes she wakes in such a foul mood that it's hard not to let it affect me..(i.e. make ME grouchy! but that always does more harm that help.) And in those times I sling her up, and walk around our very small apartment and talk to her, we'll get a snack, or look at a book. Their intensity can be so astounding because they are so fully in it; SO present. There is a place for putting them in a safe space, and letting them release...We all need that now and again.
Shanti


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## marchmom19 (Jan 21, 2002)

HI mommies

I'd like to get some advice from the experts here on this board.









How do you deal with temper tantrums with your child?
When do you notice your child gets tt?

In my situation it varies

My dd is 22 months and her sign vocabulary is huge. (we are working now on feelings words as we think perhaps she is unable to express what she feels that may be the reason why she has tantrum)

Reasons:
She tends to have tt when she is tired, hungry and sick/teething. THose are the worse. You can't reason with her, explain why you are putting clothes on her, that you're going outside etc.

Or when she wants something and we dont let her have it for safety reasons, or when we change her activities

Methods I've used:
I give her choices...if its a changing battle... or allow her to help me to dress and I help her..or dress her teddies/doll
I give her warning before we change activites and then say bye bye to the game, toys, place etc

There are times she just throws herself down on the ground even if we are in public and in the street. Should I just let her lie there or pick her up? This is a battle for me especially if the issue is that she doesnt want to walk, and wont go in the stroller. I then make a game of doing the 1.2.3 hop walk to make it fun crouch down and open my arms so she has to run into my arms and keep repeating it...its a slow process but makes walking fun.







If she throws herself on the ground and I pick her up, then I'm letting her win as that is what she wanted. Any suggestions here?

Many thanks in advance.

Hugs


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

The walking thing is a big issue for us, too. My dd is 21 mos. A couple of weekends ago she had a huge meltdown because she wanted me to carry her. No stroller, no daddy, me! But she's too heavy now for me to carry (and I don't have a toddler sling...wish I did). I actually wrote to Dr. Sears about it because my dh and I both feel that we've done everything possible to avoid tantrums like this (our lifestyle, our parenting style, etc.). His short reply (I was amazed that he answered!) was that I will not break her trust if I allow her to cry. But I'm still boggled about how to handle it in public without getting the "looks"!

Not much help here, just validating your feelings, I guess, and showing you that you're not alone!


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## Trentonsmom (Dec 31, 2001)

I give in to easily, we've never really had a melt down. At times he's been a real little butt - then we ignore him, or I'll ignore him and daddy will change the focus of attention - or the other way round - whoever has the most patience at the time.
Chelly


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

I give in easily, too. That's why the walking thing has become such a big issue.


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## marchmom19 (Jan 21, 2002)

yesterday took us 45 min to walk home...usually a good 15 min walk for me! I didnt want to carry my dd all the way home...and she refused the stroller. I didnt bring the sling with. So I made games all the way home. HEre is what I did.

1) I sat in stroller...she had to push me (I helped by pushing with my feet....I have jogger stroller so big enough for adult to sit in)
2) I had her put her feet on my feet and we walked part way with that
3) We played hide and go seek part way
4) She loves the curbs and loves to jump on and off it... (well toddler jump...she not yet mastered skill of jumping yet) So I had her walk up the hill along the sidewalk jumping off the curb onto street and jumping back up (walking 4 steps between each jump) (I was in the street side)
5) I went ahead a few steps, crouched down and arms held wide open...she would run into them...we kept repeating that a few times
6) Opening my legs wide and having her go thru them when she caught up with me (The tunnel)

I wanted to share these ideas. Well we made it home. Exhausted!







But at least less chance of getting a hernia for me. haha.







(A heavy 22 month toddler she is!) (I even carry her on my shoulder sometime to avoid too much weight on my knee and tummy).


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

Oh we take 45 mins to do a 5 min walk, too! But, unfortunately, there are times when she simply refuses to walk, go in the stroller, be held by daddy, or anything other than being in mommy's arms.


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## LukesMum (Nov 20, 2001)

Just a note--my ds is 23 mo. and I ahve always carried him...we lived in Asia and didn't have a car. I carry him thru parking lots for saftey etc...well, now I have a herniated disc in my back and am in pain 50% of the time. It has limited my ability to teach my yoga classes and I spend hours in and out of chiropractors, acupuncturists, even getting an MRI. Be careful carrying those heavy toddlers (Luke is 32 lb!)


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## marchmom19 (Jan 21, 2002)

If we focus on strengthening our muscles, arms, legs, back... from yoga and other mean of exercise...could we then be more prepared to carry our heavy toddler?

I think I'm suffering more since I am not so physically active this winter. In the spring - fall I ride the bike with dd in the trailer. We go everywhere in it. I go swimming a lot. As well the many walks and hikes. But the winter I dont do a lot, being sick a lot due to the flues, colds etc.. its harder to get motivated and stick to training plans etc.

We did go cross contry skiing for 4 days. It was the best. But a drive to get to the mountain. Cant do that too regularly either with a heavy toddler in the backpack. (a small baby in frontpack is easier to go cross country with).

So I'm wondering if we strengthen our muscles are we at less risks when we carry these heavy toddlers?

I'm also postponing any chance of getting pregnant again mainly due to this issue. Dont want to run the risk of miscarriage. WIll wait till my dd walks more and is more comfortable with her walking skills. (my mother almost lost my sister by carrying me...I was a heavy toddler).


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## BFMommie (Dec 31, 2001)

March Mom,

I just wanted to let you know that I think you are a terrific mommy for doing all that fun stuff for your DD. What a fun walk home it must be for her and you sound so intuned to her. I hope to have that type of patience and perserverence with my DD. We haven't really had to deal with any meltdowns...yet..but I know they are coming. Thanks for your great ideas!


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## LisaD (Jan 21, 2002)

You might want to get "holding time' by martha welch & "tears & tantrums" by Solter they have great ideas for tantrums that are very pro AP.


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## cassandra (Feb 12, 2002)

Hi MM

Not sure if you posted a long while ago but I read your post (My son is 20mo) and this struck me:
you said:
<<If she throws herself
on the ground and I pick her up, then I'm letting her win as that is what she
wanted. Any suggestions here? >>

I think its a widespread belief system that if we allow our children to have what they want/need then we are somehow "losing" or they are "winning"
It sets up that whole dynamic of fear around being manipulated by your child. I wonder if that fear is underlying your whole question? Or if indeed you believe that she/he is capable of manipulating you at this age?

I personally dont see any of it this way. If I have an agenda and my son is not in agreement with it, then 9 times out of ten Id say, I let go..let go let go..every day I hold my consciousness and let go.

So what if he doesnt want clothes on and its cold out? I figured he would figure it out and sure enough he comes in saying "cold" or if he doesnt (this has also happened), well then I investigated the wives tale about them "catching their death" and well, so far he is just fine..so I let that go

Now those times when Im in a store and he is going ballistic in his desire to get down and run and check everything out, I accomodate it when I can and othertimes I have told him I am going and that I hear he is angry and upset. I validate him without judgement but continue on my way.
I have also let go of caring what the "looks" are about. IMHO most of the time, we act out of anxiety of how we look as a parent. For me, my ability to stand in my authentic ground and know my truth is strengthened when I no longer am dependant on how I appear to anyone, this includes my family, friends, even my partner.
I see it as an opportunity to know what my truth is.
So toddlers are new to our world and they are full of joy and they dont have agendas, they live in the NOW. I try to respect where my son is while keeping in mind that his responses to not having a thing go his way is just as valid as his joy. As long as I am not in judgement of him or in fear, then it is all a part of a day.
Cheers
Cassandra


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## kellyh (Jan 21, 2002)

Wow! That is totally how I feel, but alot of the time I cave under the preesure. I wish I could be as confident as you. I've been doing alot better lately tho' since I made the choice to let things go. My ds is a character and so very smart, but I know he isn't manipulating me.
I've also been doing this reward system thing that seems to be working. I made a poster for him and put it up where everyone can see. When he cooperates with mommy than he gets to pick out a star sticker and put it on his poster. It has worked for tantrums too. He enjoys working for a reward. When the poster is filled, than he'll get a treat. He hasn't had to have a time out in 3 weeks!!!
Cassandra, thank you for putting so beautifully what I try to strive for. Our babies will thank us.
Austin's mommy(11-23-99), Kelly


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## karengayle (Nov 20, 2001)

Great thread, great suggestions.

Kelly, please e-mail me if you have time: [email protected] I'd love to hear about signing with Baby because my nonverbal 20mo is getting so frustrated by not being able to communicate. I only know a few signs, which we use, but I can't find a link that has a more extensive guide. Do you use ASL?

ParisMaman, I've found there's no way to avoid "the look" while out shopping - LOL! I think people are drawn by the sound of an upset child because they a) are glad it isn't *their* child this time, b) are looking to see how you handle it so they can use your tactic on their own child next time, or c) think it's great entertainment while they wait in line.


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## hsmama (Nov 28, 2001)

I just wanted to share what I call Magic moments-(I love these...)a lot of times, when ds2(2 yrs) is melting down,and I manage to keep my own temper in check,I usually just remove him from wahtever situation is causing tt-that usually results in a whole lot more screaming biting kicking,yelling things like"you're hurting me-put me DOWN!,I don't like you---(loudly)at those moments, I've found that being calm in the middle of his storm is the only cure.I also tell him when he's done screaming ,that tantrums are unnacceptable behavior,but I know he was angry,so it's ok- Mama's not mad,and I love him,(kisskisskiss)at which point he is pretty calm and seems to desperately need to be reassured that I am not all riled up like he is, then we let bygones be bygones-and sometimes I get "the look" --but sometimes in that "magic moment",a stranger will say to me- "you have your hands full,I think you did a great job of dealing with him"Then I feel as if the heavens have opened and granted me a small gift ,'cause when I get the look I tend to feel guilty,as if instead I should've staged a public caning for the benefit of all those people with assaulted eardrums...But seriously, I've found this is the only thing that works with him- andit also seems that in those moments the only person he wants to see is me,is this the way most toddlers are?Some family members insinuate it's because I'm spoiling him,and that's why he wants only me,but I don't think so.


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## marchmom19 (Jan 21, 2002)

thanks everyone for your replies. IT helps to talk to others in similar situation and hear the different routes you all take. I love the "magic moment" term over temper tantrum.







Will say to my dh "oh its the magic moment" again. Sounds great!









Karen...I htink you meant me that you wanted more info on sign. will email you now.









Thanks again everyone.

Hugs
Stephanie


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## gret the great (Nov 26, 2001)

My nearly 17 month old has had a couple of tantrums in the past week (first one was because we wouldn't let him play with a knife - second, because he didn't want to come inside yet). He pulled out all the stops, yelling, back arching, kicking...DH and I tried to hold him through it but it was clear he didn't want to be held, so we put him on the carpet and talked him through it "I know it's frustrating not to be able to hold the knife but it is dangerous, or momma had to bring you inside because it is too cold out right now"...anyway, i am posting this to find out if you all have any suggestions on how to deal with these







: Someone told me today to walk away and ignore the behavior, but this doesn't feel right to me. Before I make a change in something he'll likely be upset about I try to give advance notice, but it doesn't always seem to make a difference. What do you all think?


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## gret the great (Nov 26, 2001)

Thank you for your thoughts, karen. We have been tantrum free since I posted my message (crossing fingers).


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## Maya (Apr 3, 2002)

I find the food (or lack thereof) issue very important for my 20 month old 's humor. The only time he gets really unconsolable is when I know it's been too long since he ate. I'm the same way....but I try to limit my kicking and screaming


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## chocobotkid (Mar 3, 2002)

harper has been doing the tantrum thing for about a month now, we don't ever let her win. she's only one year so she's pretty easily distracted now. we say why not, then pick her up and move her to another room to distract her. she started with banging her head, but now she balls her fists and shakes, or lays down and kicks her feet.


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## Mommy22B (Nov 20, 2001)

It is hard to watch them when they are so upset.
You sound like you are doing finedealing with the fit when it happens. They usually cant stand to be touched But I agree that I don't feel comfortablejust walking away. I just usually talk to herquietly until she is ready for me to hug her.
I too just try to make sure to have her settled at home when it nears nap time so that we wont have to deal with leaving the park or coming inside, etc..And If i sense a fit coming on I try to distract her with something really cool. I try to give her a choice..."we can't play outside anymore, but do you want to take your bike inside to sit on in there?" that kind of thing,
My dd is 20 months and started big fits around 16 or17 months and they are already hardly ever happening. It will pass.


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## snailmama (Apr 13, 2002)

My son is 10 months old.
I have never seen this with any other child...
HE THROWS TEMPER TANTRUMS! He does it when he can't have something, at the health food store, at home, any where.
He wants stuff on the shelf, or if I take away something from him, that he shouldn't have, watch out!

He screams for a couple minutes and kicks his legs and throws his body.

Any advice?
Is this typical of a 10 month old?


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## saige (Dec 16, 2001)

He's not really having a "tantrum" seeing as he's only 10 months old!! It sounds like he's just frustrated because he's trying to learn and explore and isnt able.Try babyproofing as much as possible so that there are lots of things he *can* do.Have you ever read "The Discipline Book" by Dr.William Sears? It has some great stuff in it!


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

I agree with Saige. Sounds like he needs a lot of explore time. Try to offer alternative. If he always wants something at the health food store, make sure you bring along some healthy cookies or something. It's just a phase, he'll get over it soon (and then move on to the next one!








and the next one







: and then the next one







) hee hee You'll see!


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## snailmama (Apr 13, 2002)

Hello,
He explores all the time.
He has so many toys.
I even bought him a plastic toy because I thought he may be bored of his natural toys. It is one of those Baby Mozart cubes. He plays with it a little.
He is so smart, he can stack the rings on the wooden stacker and pound the balls in the pounder toy all by himself.
Any other ideas on how to keep him entertained?
He seems to be past rattles, at least for now.
Seriously he does throw fits if he doesn't have his way.


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## saige (Dec 16, 2001)

Hmmm...what about sensory stuff? Like water and sand play? Sounds like maybe he's at a new stage or something.You could do a sensory bucket,and fill it with dry noodles and stuff.Or let him squish beans or something (hey,you never said it had to be a clean activity!!!!).


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## MomtoMia (Mar 26, 2002)

Hi there,

At this age 'throwing fits' is actually very developmentally appropriate as your child does not yet possess the language skills to express his emotions. He is merely telling you with his actions and screams what he cannot express through language. Of course that doesn't mean it's not frustrating for parents! I'm not trying to say that his behavior is 'acceptable' (or 'unacceptable' for that matter) - just providing a developmental perspective to help you understand what is going on with him. It usually helps me quite a bit when I understand my daughter's behavior from a developmental standpoint.

These moments provide a perfect opportunity to model language for your child thereby helping him on the road to being able to express his emotions when he does begin speaking. When my daughter has 'thrown fits' in the past, I try to empathize, identify her feelings, and provide an explanation of the rule she's protesting (and an acceptable alternative if one exists) by saying something like, "I'm sorry you're upset that you can't stand up on the chair, it's not safe. You may sit on the chair." Of course, this doesn't always end the 'fit', but I believe if language modeling is consistently applied, a foundation is laid for future ability to successfully express emotions.

After my explanation, I diligently rely on distraction techniques. I offer to read a book with her, do a puzzle together, maybe look for our family cat, etc. etc.. Each child has a favorite activity, so this part relies on mom's knowledge of her child's interests. If distraction doesn't work, I tell say, "I'm sorry you're upset, I'll be right over here when you'd like to join me."
And then take myself a bit of a distance from her and shift my attention to a book or a chore.

You can do this in stores as well if you don't have a problem with your child behaving like this in public. Personally I don't have a problem with it (other people in the store might







).

I know that it's easy to offer advice and by no means do I think my suggestions are a cure-all - I do hope they will help a bit though.

Mary


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## saige (Dec 16, 2001)

Great post Mary!!!! Well said!


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## Mommiska (Jan 3, 2002)

Snailmama,

If it makes you feel any better, my 11 month old does exactly the same thing. If she can't have something she wants, she starts screaming, arching her back, etc.

I agree with Mary - I usually try distracting her. Asking where our dog is will often do the trick (she's fascinated by the dog at the moment). If that doesn't work - I'll nurse her. That calms her down when nothing else will.

In fact, sometimes, when I can't find another reason for her frustration, I think that what she's telling me is that she wants to nurse.

Just a thought - and a bit of commiseration.








Carolyn


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## theelves (Oct 25, 2002)

Oh, I feel much better now, thanks! After reading all the replies about tantrums and how y'all handle them, I don't feel so helples and alone! My 1 1/2 yr old ds recently started these "possessed tantrums" when he was sick a couple weeks ago. I did not know WHAT to think! He just cried, flailing around on the floor, throwing his head back, I couldn't touch him, let alone hold him! No nursing, nothing would appease him! My dh was about to take him to the emergency room, thinking there was something really physically wrong with him! Can you see the doc's reaction now?







: Later my dh also confessed he was about to start praying, because he thought he might really be possessed!
How did we handle it? Much the way y'all discribed, we found that just letting him lay on the floor in a safe space and work it out on his own really did the trick. We would be nearby, if he DID want ua, and I would occasionally offer sympathetic words. Sometimes taking him outside did a lot of good. Anyway, I am glad I found this thread and people, I feel much better now about how I handled it!
Here is a question relating to the walking problem..What about when tour tot wants to get down and walk around in a store, and runs all over the place?? ..Throwing a fit when you pick him up or try to put him in a cart?? Any suggestions?


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