# Oh man, I'm not handling this well....



## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I was just sitting here getting the last of my orders packed and getting ready for bed, and it hit me that exactly 3 months ago this very moment, I had just started pushing and Ryland's heartrate was dropping and every single person in the room told me it was normal and that he'd be ok... God, I wish I would have known they were wrong...I wish I would have known what could have been done. I wish I would have known that was the last time I would have felt my baby...I wouldn't have gotten that stupid epidural just so I could feel him one last time...









I have to try to get some sleep. I can't sleep, but I guess I have to try... I'm a wreck right now. I haven't broken down in a long time. But everyone who said the 3 month mark is when it got really hard was right..


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## CaliMommie (Feb 11, 2004)

I just saw your post and I know that nothing I say will make it better, but just wanted you to know that I am thinkig of you & praying for you right now.


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## Jasmyn's Mum (May 24, 2004)

I'm so sorry. Don't hold back. It's okay to break down. It's healthy and it's healing.

Sending you much light and love


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## PatchyMama (Dec 6, 2002)

Ally I am so sorry







I will light a candle for you and your family.


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## Marlies (Dec 7, 2005)

I have been thinking about you all night. *hugs* My prayers are with you dear one.


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## LadyMarmalade (May 22, 2005)

I'm so sorry.

Hugs to you.


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## Girl Named Sandoz (Jul 16, 2002)




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## um_hanna (Nov 3, 2004)

may you find some peace today, hugs to you and your family


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marlies*
I have been thinking about you all night. *hugs* My prayers are with you dear one.

It's good to see you here...







:

Thank you ladies.... I just hate this so much. It's like it's the world's biggest injustice...a baby who was wanted and loved and protected isn't even here, and it's not fair. Why a baby who was so loved and wanted? Why when all of the "pregnancy rules" were followed did something have to happen at the last second... Why is *my* baby not here?









I just want to kick and scream and yell (but well...Brandon's in my lap curled up cuddling right now, so he may not like that..







) Geeze...my whole world seems so backwards. So wrong. These things just *aren't* supposed to happen...he was just a baby...he isn't supposed to die.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

allyrae,
i just want to chime in and tell you that i'm thinking of you. i remember the 3 month mark. i was still feeling so physically connected to coral, and that day i felt her absence so much harder. babies aren't supposed to die. how are you doing today? does it feel different, the day after that milestone? i was relieved when that day passed. the pain was still there, but that day (and any anniversary of her birth day, actually...) it got sharp. i don't think we will ever ever forget all of the details- wonderful and terrible, surrounding our babies lives, births, and after. this gives me some comfort, thinking that when i am 60, 70, 80, i will always hold coral close to my heart, she will always be with me, just as important as any living child i may have someday. anyway, i hope you are doing alright today... love, coralsmom


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## Patti Ann (Dec 2, 2001)

So sorry it has hit you so hard all over again. Thinking of you and your family.

Peace and love,

Patti


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Mama, I am so sorry









I wish there was something I could say or do


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllyRae*
It's like it's the world's biggest injustice...a baby who was wanted and loved and protected isn't even here, and it's not fair. Why a baby who was so loved and wanted? Why when all of the "pregnancy rules" were followed did something have to happen at the last second... Why is *my* baby not here?







(

Oh Ally, how I wish I had the answers to those questions. Life is so not







fair. I ask those same questions all the time, & sadly there are no answers. I am only 3 months ahead of you in my grief journey & I will say while I have no answers, but I do have some peace. It is wierd & I do not know why. My 6th month aniversary is coming up saturday & I am sort of freaked about that but really trying not to think about it.
Ally you are not alone. We quest for answers on this journey together. We need to find peace in the fact we may never get the answer. Be gentle on yourself. Hugs & Love always.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

No words, just


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

When I saw the title of your thread, the first thing that popped into my head is "Who decides what defines 'handling' grief well?"

Seriously, everyone is different, every situation is different, and what every person needs to do to survive is different.

Don't let anybody tell you, and don't try to set up stuff for yourself about how you're "supposed" to handle this. By all means, if you feel you need help from therapy, or a support group, or any other form of counseling, get help. But don't judge yourself or allow yourself to cave into others judegments of how you "should" be doing, or how long it "should" take you to "get over it." (BLECH!)

I've been dealing with a lot of sadness due to the whole "holiday" thing, and the one year anniversary coming right after/on the holidays. I feel a lot of pressure (internal and external) to "deal with it" for the sake of my kids, but I know I need to work through it and not stuff it for the sake of some arbitrary standard of "how I should behave" during the holidays.

Anyways, I hope some of my rambling has made sense. I just want to say you're not alone in hurting and missing and feeling it's not "fair" for a baby to die... Be gentle with yourself and take as much time and tears as your heart needs.

Kathryn


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Aww Ally, you're so, so, so right babies are not supposed to die. It's just not fair.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Ally, I just saw this and I hope you are doing better. I think whoever brought up the question about what is considered "well" in handling greif made a good point. For me, the fact that I am still here at all is good. That I still take care of my daughter, although sometimes cranky and moody, is good. That I still love my husband after all of this is good. It is all so hard and nothing hurts more, so don't worry about the judgemental factor. Just grieve.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Sending love your way, mama!!!


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

Hi Ally,

I saw your post, read it and, with some hesitation, went to Ryland's memorial site. I knew it would be hard, but I did it anyway, because you shouldn't feel alone. While I can't imagine, can't IMAGINE, the heartbreak you've had, I know what it's like when your grief makes others uncomfortable, so I moved past my discomfort, faced it and cried tears as I looked at every picture honoring your pregnancy and birth experience. You gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I hope so very much you are surrounded by others who realize grief doesn't have a time table. It is your grief and no one has any right to try to make it anything other than what it is.

It's not the same and I'm not making it the same at all, but I completely panicked on December 8th insisting the nurse do more bloodwork to check my HCG level ( I recently found out I'm pregnant, a terrifying experience for anyone who's suffered a loss). I didn't even register until I pulled in the parking lot it was the 8th, the 1st anniversary of when we found out our baby had died in utero.

There is a visceral connection to our children. You will always be connected to your son. The milestones ahead will be hard and no one should try to tell you otherwise. But, you are a strong woman because you are still here. You have a beautiful son who I'm sure thinks the world of you.

And you have a stranger who thinks you are an amazing mother.

Hilary


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## KYCat (May 19, 2004)

Ally I am so sorry for your pain. I'm at 4 1/2 months and am still in the pain. Please be gentle with yourself and know that you are being thought of and prayed for.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

Thank you so much everyone... We survived his 3 month anniversary, which I guess is all one can ask for. Now starts all of the "firsts" (the first anniversary of when he was conceived is today...we found out we were pregnant December 26th, etc.). But today hasn't been that bad...instead of it being a sad day because he's not here, it was sort of peaceful...one year ago today, our sweet angel was made. He may not be here now, but he is still our beautiful baby boy...

Thank you for all of your support ladies. It's great to have that, especially on the really hard days...

Hilary, thank you *so* much for visiting Ry's site. I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to see, but I am honored that you chose to get to know him through pictures. Thank you...


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

It was my pleasure, Ally. I would want the same for my own child. You have a beautiful family. I thought of you today.

Hilary


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## oetien (Mar 25, 2005)




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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

s Ally. You're in my thoughts and prayers always. I wish you peace. Much love and hugs,

~Amy


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## pycelan (Aug 14, 2005)

Ryland...


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## kimmie-pooh (Sep 2, 2003)




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## EmmalinesMom (Feb 9, 2003)

Ally....

I visited Ryland's site. It's beautiful, and he's so handsome in his pictures. I'm wishing you peace, sweet mama.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Im so sorry. We havent spoken in any other way, but I just sat here & cried with you. Noone should have to go through what you have gone through.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

I feel like I'm intruding, as I never spoken to you before but I just wanted to wish you peace during this time. Your website is beautiful and I will remember it always.


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## CaliMommie (Feb 11, 2004)

Ally~ I just visited Ryland's site & he's so handsome (so's Brandon)! The healing garden is beautiful! I wish you peace during the holidays & always. I will remember Ryland always.


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