# It takes a Village



## olivedo (Feb 2, 2009)

Anyone out there living in a multi generational home?
I need a tribe within the tribe.

I love the idea of my children getting the benefit of family. The problem of course is that this is 2009 and we do things differently these days.

I want to love this situation and bask in the benefit of another loving adult voice to nurture the children but I some days I can't get past the "old fashioned" ways.


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## Engineering_Mama (Jun 24, 2008)

At the moment I am







My mom moved in with us when I went back to work. She cares for DD while I'm gone. Before that my adult brother moved in with us. At first it was supposed to be temporary, while he looked for a job. Now I'm thinking of finishing the 3rd floor/attic so that eventually we can move him up there and DD into the room across the hall where he is now.

Right now this is really working for us. I have 100% reliable care for DD. My brother takes care of things around the house that DH and I don't have time for (building stuff, remodelling, home improvements, etc). Plus he cooks dinner for the family. While it may not be the norm now I think there are many benefits to a multi-generational household. I honestly don't know how DH and I would get everything done if it were just us. That being said, I can see how it would be a total disaster if all of you didn't get along.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

We live with my mom and dad (who are divorced), my 21yr brother, my 26 yr sister, and my family which is myself, dh, ds9, dd7, ds4, dd2, and new baby girl arriving in April 2009


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## jenneology (Oct 22, 2007)

I loved in a multigenerational home growing up and I found that in the months before leaving for college, it really began to mean something. I would make an effort to wake up and eat breakfast with my grandparents and mother before they went to work because I knew that the time left with them would be precious. My grandmother had a stroke 3 months after I left for college and never returned home, dying a year later. I'm glad I got that time with them and made the effort (and that no one was forcing me!).

My mother and I have discussed at length the possibility of her living with us and I would really like it. She's even volunteered to homeschool my kids. Everytime she or I look at houses or have a new location to consider, we look at the possibility of her moving in with us, and having the space to do it. It's a few years away at least. But we have a deal, when my grandpa dies, she'll leave her job and the city in which she's lived her whole life and come and live with us. We'll sell the house she is living in and together buy a house where she either gets a mother-in-law cottage or basement apartment. We looked into the possibility of doing that here in Seattle, but she was needed at her work and she wants to be close to her dad.

This summer, I am going to be doing the multigenerational thing again because I'll be staying the summer at the house that my mom and grandfather live in. And it will be four generations this time: grandpa, mom, me and two kiddos. My husband will be away and get to vist for a few days at a time and I know I couldn't handle the adjustment period with a newborn without either my mom or husband around. Last time I had both!


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## Mamato3wild ponnie (Jan 6, 2007)

We live this way...my in laws live under us..or oyu can say we live up top...the house was built with a full kitchen and bath and 4 bedrooms down stairs and mil, fil, bro-inlaw live down stairs and we live upstairs..5 bedrooms up and a bathroom and huge living area...we all share a kitchen and dinning room...another bro-inlaw lives across the street and shares the downstairs bathroom and kitchen with us too. We live in MX and the bro-inlaw across the street with his wife and 3 kiddo's... has a one room house with no bathroom etc...so my kids run free 24/7..there is always someone around to keep an eye or ear out for the kids. The only draw back is who pays for the food? We have alot of people eating here...DP and I have figured that we buy food for our kids and his parents. Everyone else can fend for themselves or if there is any left over they are welcome to it. If we cook out we buy enough food for everyone. We cook out at least once a week.
I love that my children can pretty much run free all day...they will go for hours with out me having to check on them...play outside all day.
Fil..invested in 20+ egg laying hens...so we wont have to buy eggs..there diet consist of alot of eggs...hey at least they will be free now...of course it was harder for me to accept at first...all people living here that were inlaws...but mil is an awesome cook...so i really dont cook at all. That's the nice part...I would like a kitchen of my own one day.
My sister wants to come live with us...i'm still unsure about this...as she is freespirited and not used to being responsible...not sure how she would fit in here.
I could go on and on...


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## LessTraveledBy (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Engineering_Mama* 
My brother takes care of things around the house that DH and I don't have time for (building stuff, remodelling, home improvements, etc). Plus he cooks dinner for the family.

Wow... I wouldn't mind having your brother move in with us.









I don't belong here, although I think I may, some years from now when my mom gets older.


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## mamaSun loveMore (May 22, 2006)

This is genius!

Yes we are living in a multigen situation, and I share your challenges in fully appreciating the awesomeness.







:
DP, ds, dd and I live with my mother and soon my father again as well. In theory its an ideal arrangement, I mean who gives more loving childcare than grandma? But in practice I find there is often disharmony. Sometimes I feel my efforts at structure undermined, and my new approaches feel watched and judged. DP and I are sort of at our wits end with this to be honest. I'm sad that its not working out because I can already see us missing all the good stuff on the back end.








Are there any grandmas from multigen homes on MDC? Can we hear from some of you for perspective? ( I say gradnmas because in our situation, grandpa is usually very diplomatic and egalitarian, and also not home alot, whereas grandma is 'retired', but i'd love to hear from anyone in the older generation.)
Lets get talking!


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## Mamato3wild ponnie (Jan 6, 2007)

I had to let go of any and all sense of structure here. Grandma gives ds cookies..ice cream...you name it...when ever he asks for it. However...is it worth the fuss to tell her no....NO i just let it be..MIL/FIL...pretty much dont speak up at all...they just let kids run and if anything major comes up...like someone's hurt or crying...then someone speaks up. But other than that...the kids are on their own. I think it's different for us because our house is so open...the kids play outside 350 days a year. They are never rarely inside...dont make messes..other than getting into the water hose and spraying down the chickens...little things like that. MIL still makes food for dp and all of us...she is the main cook and is ok with that....not having to many rules and just enjoying life has helped this work for us....just taking it one day at a time...eat when your hungry...not everyone sit down at the same time...etc.
Pitch in where you see someone needs help...it's worked for us thus far. I would love to hear from an older generation grandma though.


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## TushasAmi (Feb 2, 2007)

Yay! I went to the FYT forum looking for this exact topic. I can't believe I found it so quickly...

Hubby is from Pakistan where multigenerational living is more the norm than the exception. He has one brother in the states and they decided that they wanted to carry on that tradition. Right now were are a household of eight: me, dh, dd(2), bil, sil (bil's wife), nephew(5), niece(3), and fil. My mil will join us as soon as the INS finishes processing her visa. Our house was built with our living situation in mind. We essentially have a 2 BR apt inside my bil and sil's house, but we generally hang out in the main part of the house where we have family dinner every night.

I love it! I was a little nervous at first because I am an only child who lived as a single adult for many years, but on the whole I think our situation is overwhelmingly positive. And not just for the money-saving, chore-sharing and child care benefits, although those are great. I think dh's family and I know each other better now than would after a lifetime of visiting every week. I feel like part of a true family that is always there to support and encourage each other through thick and thin. I love having my sil around to commiserate with about the ups and downs of marrying into this family. By far the best part is that my dd is surrounded every day by seven people that love her to bits. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

For me the biggest challenges are the parenting differences between me/dh and my bil/sil, the thermostat, and never being able to find anything because someone has moved it since I last saw it. I also think multifamily living has an effect on my marriage. At times dh and I sometime have to make a concerted effort to get some quality time together. Especially if we are in the middle of a tiff, it is easy to just talk to the rest of the family and escape talking to each other and dealing with the issue.

What is the response other people get about their multigenerational living? Most people are polite but say "Boy are you brave. I could never live with my in-laws!"

Glad to find this thread! I can't wait to hear everyone's stories!


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## olivedo (Feb 2, 2009)

!


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## olivedo (Feb 2, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 









We live with my mom and dad (who are divorced), my 21yr brother, my 26 yr sister, and my family which is myself, dh, ds9, dd7, ds4, dd2, and new baby girl arriving in April 2009









You have a huge household! How's the dynamic? I think my siblings are too loud for me to live with them these days.


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## olivedo (Feb 2, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamato3wild ponnie* 
I had to let go of any and all sense of structure here. Grandma gives ds cookies..ice cream...you name it...when ever he asks for it. However...is it worth the fuss to tell her no....NO i just let it be..MIL/FIL...pretty much dont speak up at all...they just let kids run and if anything major comes up...like someone's hurt or crying...then someone speaks up. But other than that...the kids are on their own. I think it's different for us because our house is so open...the kids play outside 350 days a year. They are never rarely inside...dont make messes..other than getting into the water hose and spraying down the chickens...little things like that. MIL still makes food for dp and all of us...she is the main cook and is ok with that....not having to many rules and just enjoying life has helped this work for us....just taking it one day at a time...eat when your hungry...not everyone sit down at the same time...etc.
Pitch in where you see someone needs help...it's worked for us thus far. I would love to hear from an older generation grandma though.


We have similar situation with rules. We had an easy house before my dp's aunt who has never had her own children move in. We had extremely limited television (that is one educational show on Wed. evening and one cultural literacy show on Sunday evening). We had no candy, limited sugar intake, tons of outside time and early bedtime. Not strict rules but easy factors for us to control without limiting the children.
Well that all changed with introduction of additional generation. She loves chocolate and is always feeding it to the children. She has a tv in her room and has no trouble putting cartoons on and letting children up on her bed all afternoon.
I love her and her impression on the family is mostly positive. These are just fundamental issues we disagree on and I'm not sure how to approach it without piercing her thin skin.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olivedo* 
You have a huge household! How's the dynamic? I think my siblings are too loud for me to live with them these days.

Honestly...it depends on the day









Dad, dh, brother, and mom work during the day. We are home and sister is sleeping.

2nd shift I work (kids go with me usually), mom works (again







)

Sister works like 10-12 hour shifts 4pm-3am or so 3-4 times a week.

We are still having some issues regarding division of household duties and discipline of my children.

Otherwise, it is working ok. Not great yet.


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## clothdipemomof2boy (Nov 29, 2005)

would love to join the thread right know we are living with my inlaws. my boys love it they get to see gammy and gampa and get to be with mommyand daddy as well.


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## Rosehip (Dec 30, 2007)

Me! My kids & I live with my parents. I am in the process of divorcing. I forsee us living with my parents for at least the next 2-3 years, as I have returned to school. It's got its HUGE advantages, but also its trying moments for everyone. Eager to hear other experiences.


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## olivedo (Feb 2, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
Honestly...it depends on the day









Dad, dh, brother, and mom work during the day. We are home and sister is sleeping.

2nd shift I work (kids go with me usually), mom works (again







)

Sister works like 10-12 hour shifts 4pm-3am or so 3-4 times a week.

We are still having some issues regarding division of household duties and discipline of my children.

Otherwise, it is working ok. Not great yet.










I also have a discipline issue. It's great to have that older generation around, but traditionally her role has been to spoil the children. Under the same roof that doesn't work out very well, but now the trend is set and she is having a hard time balancing it. I want to help but she doesn't take suggestions well. I think it will all work out as time has a way of revealing wisdom.


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## olivedo (Feb 2, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ToastyToes* 
Me! My kids & I live with my parents. I am in the process of divorcing. I forsee us living with my parents for at least the next 2-3 years, as I have returned to school. It's got its HUGE advantages, but also its trying moments for everyone. Eager to hear other experiences.

Hello, Welcome.
I have found that our trying moments come when there is a disagreement about "redirection" and before anything is discussed our older generation acts. Sometimes her version of how to handle a child is not in agreement with how we have decided to raise the children. It's hard to "fix" after the fact. I wish there was more talking in our house, more sharing of ideas.


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## Mamato3wild ponnie (Jan 6, 2007)

I'm a bit tazzeled the past few days...as BIL/SIL allow their sick children to come to our house and infest it with virus's and germs...and then dont tell us the kids are sick....ugggg my ds(4) is sick again with croup...meaning the baby(4months) will get it any day...as we are tandem nursing...i'm praying my ninnie making powers will help protect the baby via antibodies...any how...i'm wishing more and more that we had our own kitchen up stairs...that way..well we could stay in our house and keep intruders away...I am so against lysol...but i had to pull it out a few nights ago and spay down ds's room...we use shaklee's but i didnt have the energy to wipe everything down...so i had to spray...BIL ds came over and coughed and coughed for hours....i was about to lose it...i finally made him go home...so fast forward a few days...my ds has croup for the 2nd time in 2 months...when house sharing/kitchen sharing you have no choice but to do just that...share...share space that you would kind of like to keep to your self....drink out of cups that only immediate family drink out of...just a little vent from a mama who was up all night with a sick child.


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## lexmas (Jan 9, 2007)

Hey, I'm glad I found this thread, I'll have to actually read it not skim it when I get some time. My dad is currently in hospice, and after he dies we'll be moving in with my mom to take care of my grandma because my mom will have to go back to work for the health insurance. I don't know how that's going to go since I'm having a new baby in may and I'm worried about all the changes for DS. But hopefully it will go well, I think we'll get along just fine. I do feel kind of alone since everyone seems to think it's crazy moving back home, but I think it needs to be done, my mom wants us to move in. Anyway, just wanted to post to subscribe, I'll come back and read later!


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## Engineering_Mama (Jun 24, 2008)

Just wanted to pop in and see how everyone is doing. Things are good at my multi-generational home, but things may change. My sister and her husband and baby are currently living in my mom's house, while she's living with us. They're (Sis & BIL) thinking of moving this summer so he can go to school in another city. At which point my mom will want to go back, because she doesn't want her house to be empty. Which I totally get and I understand and I don't blame her. But...it makes me sad







I want her to stay. Yeah, part of it is I love having her take care of DD and not having to pay for daycare, but I also really love







having her here. I like having my mommy. I like having another grown woman in the house to talk to. I love my DH, but some things he just doesn't get. I probably shouldn't get to worked up over it yet. Sis and BIL's plans change _all_ the time. It may not even be an issue. I'll just have to wait and see.

Lexmas: Welcome! I don't think you're crazy at all. At one point when my mom was having a lot of health problems DH and I were seriously considering moving back home to take care of her. Things got better for her, but if they ever get bad again I really want her to live with us (that is if I can't convince her to just stay now).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Anumaria* 
Wow... I wouldn't mind having your brother move in with us.









You'll have to stand in line. Several of our friends have requested him. We've started loaning him out on a day by day basis


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## paakbaak (Jan 24, 2007)

how wonderful it is to see you al getting along. my 3yo and i live with my mom, now that i got divorced and it isn`t working out too well. my son loves her but i don`t get along and we don`t agree on how to raise my son. it`s hard for me. i wish there were more talking, wish we could talk about things, and give eachother ideas, but we don`t take them well.

anyway, congratulations all of you and hope it rubs off on me!!!!


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## lexmas (Jan 9, 2007)

Hi mamas,

Yeah, I think it's for the best and it will probably work out. Here's my question...if any of you moved TO a relatives house, how do you explain that to your little ones? DS is 2 and not all that verbal, he puts 2 and 3 words together but not in "sentances" yet. I just don't know how to make him understand that we're not just sleeping over or something, that we're going to live "at grandmas" (which, we're there enough now that when we pull in the driveway he shouts "HOME!" anyway, so it may not be an issue







). I mean, maybe it will explain itself to him once we move all our stuff, but never having moved as a child I guess I really don't know.

Oh, and from the financial side of it, if you're not actually providing for your parents or whomever, how do you split the food bill? (I suspect people who have just had roommates can answer this as well!) I expect to be doing most of the cooking, but DH, DS and I eat a lot of foods my mom won't eat, so I'm not sure if "splitting the food bill" would really work, since we won't be eating all the same foods, and I'll have to make other foods for my mom anyway.

Okay, I hope all the questions are alright, I'm just trying to figure out the logistics!


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

I just joined this forum because of this thread. My dd, Funkymamajoy, led me to Mothering and I've been lurking a while. Joy and her family are currently living with us (me, dh, and 11 yo Dylan, our 4th and Joy's only brother). It is working out for all of us, in part because Joy says we are still raising kids (well, only one left) ourselves. There are more hands to help change diapers and cuddle. Dh gets up early so he's always awake when the kids get up. One poster asked about buying food. Sometimes they buy food; some weeks we buy the food; and some weeks Joy and I go grocery shopping together. It does help that we enjoy similar foods. The same goes for cooking. It all depends on who's home when.

Chris


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

When I was a kid, there were two times that we lived with one set of grandparents and then the other. One time was for a few months, the other time was for nearly a year. I loved it!!! (especially the one that was for nearly a year because they had a huge house in the country on several acres with corn fields all around). To this day I see those grandparents as second parents and am still deeply connected to them.

My children don't have that luxury now. I couldn't live with my unstable mother and my dad is only home (with her) half of each month. My in - laws are worse than bad and wouldn't be beneficial in any way, not to mention their homes are noxious and dangerous. My mom's house is not toddler safe, either. I often wish we could up and move to another state where my extended family still live to let my girls experience what I did. Now I miss my grandparents again.


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## mamaSun loveMore (May 22, 2006)




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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

At first Alex (3) called it our house, not his house. But now after living here for 8 months and no longer sharing a room with his uncle (Dylan, who's 11) but has his own room (that he shares with his sister, who's 20 months), this house has become his as well as grandma's. But then, we all call it his house as well as our house.

As for the money end of it, neither Joy nor I stress about who pays for what. We both buy groceries and they pay for cable (TV, computer, and phone combined). She watches her brother and I watch my grandkids. We make the menu list and the grocery list together. Mostly we go grocery shopping separately simply because we both refuse to take all 3 unrully heathens with us to the grocery store.

Chris


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

This is just the thread I've been looking for! Ds and I are back living with my parents. this is not a new thing, since before my attempt at making things work with his father we lived here.

Living with my father is no problem....he pretty much does his thing and keeps the peace. his requests are usually few and far between and 99% are totally reasonable. My mom, otoh, has very definite ideas about the way she likes things done, even down to the way things are loaded into teh dishwasher. Right now my bedroom is full of big black trash bags that contain everything I got out of the house when i left dh. She has been after me nonstop since i got here less than a week ago to sort through everything and put it away. Between me getting a stomach virus, ds getting sick, running around filling out job apps and going to court, i've been mentally overwhlemed and have not had the least bit of motivation to start organizing anything. Any time I sit down, she asks me what I'm doing and usually finishes her sentence with "I need you to....[clean the kitchen/bathroom/car etc]. If I'm on the computer, she asks who i'm emailing. if my phone rings, she asks who it is, and thinks nothing of interrupting me for something totally trivial. It's not that I'm doing anything terribly secretive, but i just get tired of providing a running narrative of my day. And if I say that to her, she says, "oh, I can't say ANYTHING to you!" I'm not allowed to use her car, or cook after a certain hour, but if I take the bus somewhere, she accuses me of "dragging ds around on the nasty bus." It's just frustrating.

By the same token, she is a wonderful, wonderful grandmother to my ds....the adoration is mutual and I'm happy for him that he can be near his grandma. they adore each other and I encourage that. My mom acts like she is his second parent, though, refuses to mention his father, and criticizes my parenting a lot. So while it is great for ds, being here is stressful for me.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting2bemommy* 
Ds and I are back living with my parents.

Living with my father is no problem....he pretty much does his thing and keeps the peace. his requests are usually few and far between and 99% are totally reasonable.

My mom, otoh, has very definite ideas about the way she likes things done, even down to the way things are loaded into teh dishwasher. Right now my bedroom is full of big black trash bags that contain everything I got out of the house when i left dh. She has been after me nonstop since i got here less than a week ago to sort through everything and put it away. Between me getting a stomach virus, ds getting sick, running around filling out job apps and going to court, i've been mentally overwhlemed and have not had the least bit of motivation to start organizing anything. Any time I sit down, she asks me what I'm doing and usually finishes her sentence with "I need you to....[clean the kitchen/bathroom/car etc]. If I'm on the computer, she asks who i'm emailing. if my phone rings, she asks who it is, and thinks nothing of interrupting me for something totally trivial. It's not that I'm doing anything terribly secretive, but i just get tired of providing a running narrative of my day. And if I say that to her, she says, "oh, I can't say ANYTHING to you!" I'm not allowed to use her car, or cook after a certain hour, but if I take the bus somewhere, she accuses me of "dragging ds around on the nasty bus." It's just frustrating.

My mom acts like she is his second parent, though, refuses to mention his father, and criticizes my parenting a lot. So while it is great for ds, being here is stressful for me.


Ugh, that reminds me of my mother and why I cannot live with her. It only got worse for me living with her. My dad was much like yours, as well.


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## socialworkmamma (Mar 15, 2006)

Purposeful multi-generational living here. Ten years ago when DH and I were childless we moved back to our hometown. We stayed with my parents while we looked for a house to buy. It was great as my old bedroom is the top floor of the house with a bathroom so we set up one end as our livingroom. The house is on 40 partially wooded acres and we decided we wanted to live in the country. We had a contractor come out and give us an estimate on building in the woods as my dad said he would deed us 10 acres. Well, my parents were older when they had me, so my dad came up with the idea of instead of building a new house, why not finish out their walk-out basement and also add on a large family room to the main level of the house. DH and I discussed it and decided it would be for the best as my brother had stated he never wanted to live in my parents house and after they were gone we would then need to sell it and it would make our house in the woods too close for our comfort to whoever we sold to. Fastforward to two years ago and my brother and his wife bought the adjoining property to ours when it went on the market, so we now have a compound as we call it. It works well though as my nephews can come over when their parents are both working, like today. There is a path in the woods between our two houses and kids can go back and forth without going on the road.
We have lived dowstairs 10 years and we're getting ready this spring to switch with my parents as with 2 kids we want the extra room and it's just extra for my parents to deal with. We've been here to help with each of my parents cancer treatment and recovery, less than 2 years apart. As DH said, we would've been here all the time anyway, this way our stuff is here too.
Our kids love living like this. It has it's moments, but the good out weighs the bad. We do have our own kitchen and laundry, entrance, etc. I really admire those of you sharing all your space and making it work.
One thing that bugs me is the attitude of others. I normally really don't care what anyone thinks about my likestyle choices, but when I am meeting someone new and talking about my living space, I feel like I have to justify it in some way, like mentioning my parents age. It's so dumb, as my DH is an attorney and I work part-time, we pay our own way and then some and even if we didn't, it's no one else's business. I just feel like so many people find us crazy to be doing this, but then these are the same people who would freak if they knew my 4-year old still nurses, and I don't care what they think about that.
This turned into a long rant, so thanks for letting me vent. Would love to hear how others expain their situation, or maybe don't, as it really doesn't concern anyone else.
Pamela


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *socialworkmamma* 
This turned into a long rant, so thanks for letting me vent. Would love to hear how others expain their situation, or maybe don't, as it really doesn't concern anyone else.
Pamela

I can relate....many, many people when i lvied with my mom and dad before, assumed that they were paying my way. They would make comments like "does your mom ever make you buy food?" or if we all went out to eat, assume that the bank card being passed to the waitress was my father's when it actuality it was MINE.

I don't really tell people that i live with my parents unless I absolutely have to. But, when it comes down to it, like you said, it's no one else's business.


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## mamaSun loveMore (May 22, 2006)

*waitingtobemomma*-
i can totally relate! your situation sounds alot like mine. except dp and i both live with my parents and we have two children.
my dad is pretty chill, but mom can be a total noodge. lately she has actually stopped complaining as much, but it isd now so implanted in my psyche its like i can hear her voice through the silence. most often things begin with "you need to..." or "why don't you ever...".
but dp and i are pretty good at diffusing one another's frustration, and ds's relationship with grandma is fantastic so that does bring me some joy.
often the stress is compounded by the social intolerence of our arrangements like you mentioned, *socialworkmomma*. thought i hear the area we are all moving to is much more tolerant.
dp got a wonderful job offer there, so we're







: it comes thru.
once our income is a bot more generous, i think dp wants to move out, but we'll probably wait a few months...


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## DecemberSun (Jul 6, 2003)

Hi Mamas.







Can I join in?









My very large family lives with my parents. My husband and I have 3 children of our own and 3 foster children, and we take care of my adopted brother (he's 20 so he kind of takes care of himself, we just help him with his medical supplies and such). My parents have private rooms on one side of the house, but we share the kitchen. They are retired and they travel quite a bit so they aren't here all the time, which is both good and bad. Good because we have the house to ourselves, but bad because I love having built-in childcare, lol! They cook a lot when they're here, so that helps a lot.

My Dad spoils my 12 yr old foster daughter, but I can kind of understand why. My parents are nurses and they took care of her before I brought her into my home as a foster child, so they have been bonded to her since she was 7 months old (we are the only family she's ever known). She has lots of medical issues, so I think my Dad thinks she deserves to be spoiled, but it doesn't help with her attitude sometimes, lol. When my parents are here she tends not to litsen to me, yk? My mom spoils my other kids, but not in a bad way at all. Just in a nice Grammy way. We have so many kids that we kind of have to run a tight ship, and they help me with that. Some people would get annoyed when other people tell their kids what to do, but I want my kids to repsect all adults, especially their grandparents.

Anyway... I like this arrangement very much. I was apprehensive about the idea before we moved here because I though we'd get on each others' nerves and whatnot, but it's actually been very peaceful. We will continue to live here and take care of my parents as they get older. When I was growing up in this house my parents cared for my grandparents too. It was great to hear stories of the "olden days" from my Grandma, look through her old pictures, and learn her recipes. I hope one my kids offers to take care of me in this house when I get older too!









Even though I love this arrangement, if I had a million dollars I'd buy up some awesome land and build some sort of communal living housing area for my friends and extended family, because I really do think it takes a village to raise children up right. They get so many different persepctives on life from adults they respect, they have plenty of people to talk to about anything they want to, us parents get a break so we don't get overwhelmed, there are plenty of able bodies to get the chores done, etc, etc. We've lost a lot of that with our fast-paced, lock-your-doors-to-keep-the-world-out, fend for yourselves attitude in society today...


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## lawschoolmama (Mar 12, 2008)

Hi everyone! I'm loving this thread!









DH, my 17-month-old DD, and I all live with my mom, my stepdad, my 16-year-old sister, my cat, and my mom's two cats







Honestly, I completely agree with PPs: it does take a village--a real community--to bring up children, but these days, I often feel like a freak for doing it this way! Whenever I tell people about our living arrangement, they get all sympathetic for me, and say "hopefully it won't last too long" or something like that. Ouch! As PPs have said, there are huge benefits to multigenerational living, but our do-it-yourself culture has largely undermined and occluded those benefits. I often feel like people think we live with my parents because we can't hack it as "real" parents living all on our own!









For the most part, I really like our living arrangement right now. My parents have a very large house, and we occupy their basement, which is really kind of like a basement apartment: it has a bedroom, full bath, living room, some storage, and even a separate entrance (although usually we come and go through the upstairs anyways). This way, we can even keep our kitties separate, since they don't get along too well!







We do share a kitchen and laundry, and mom does most of the cooking while I'm at work (which I'm eternally grateful for). My mom, who is the best babysitter ever, watches DD during the day, while DH and I work. She and my DD are so close, which is just what DH and I wanted; growing up, I always lived either really near or actually with my maternal grandparents, and I loved that. I still value my relationship with them so much--and I'm much closer to them than I was to my grandparents who I didn't live with/near. I feel like all of these close family relationships are invaluable in DD's life.

There are downsides--the parents get a little too pushy at times, and so I sometimes have to assert myself a bit more than I'd like (not really my style), but it's not the end of the world, and it has helped me learn to let things go when they're not that big of a deal. Sometimes it can be a strain on a marriage when one partner has to live with in-laws, but my fabulous DH deals with it very gracefully (most of the time!), and he very much values all the benefits of living together.

Unfortunately, my mom and stepdad, who raised me, are having some marital problems, which definitely, definitely causes strain for me sometimes, so that part of multigenerational living isn't so good right now. But still, even with that, I feel like the pros outweigh the cons. I get to live with my two best friends--my DH and my mom--and all of our family comes together to help DH and I raise DD in a loving home while bringing in two incomes and dealing with sometimes stressful and time-consuming careers. It's not perfect, but I know we are blessed.


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

Hello.

I am moving this to parenting as this fits better there.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DecemberSun* 
Hi Mamas.








Can I join in?









My very large family lives with my parents. My husband and I have 3 children of our own and 3 foster children, and we take care of my adopted brother (he's 20 so he kind of takes care of himself, we just help him with his medical supplies and such). My parents have private rooms on one side of the house, but we share the kitchen. They are retired and they travel quite a bit so they aren't here all the time, which is both good and bad. Good because we have the house to ourselves, but bad because I love having built-in childcare, lol! They cook a lot when they're here, so that helps a lot.

My Dad spoils my 12 yr old foster daughter, but I can kind of understand why. My parents are nurses and they took care of her before I brought her into my home as a foster child, so they have been bonded to her since she was 7 months old (we are the only family she's ever known). She has lots of medical issues, so I think my Dad thinks she deserves to be spoiled, but it doesn't help with her attitude sometimes, lol. When my parents are here she tends not to litsen to me, yk? My mom spoils my other kids, but not in a bad way at all. Just in a nice Grammy way. We have so many kids that we kind of have to run a tight ship, and they help me with that. Some people would get annoyed when other people tell their kids what to do, but I want my kids to repsect all adults, especially their grandparents.

Anyway... I like this arrangement very much. I was apprehensive about the idea before we moved here because I though we'd get on each others' nerves and whatnot, but it's actually been very peaceful. We will continue to live here and take care of my parents as they get older. When I was growing up in this house my parents cared for my grandparents too. It was great to hear stories of the "olden days" from my Grandma, look through her old pictures, and learn her recipes. I hope one my kids offers to take care of me in this house when I get older too!









Even though I love this arrangement, if I had a million dollars I'd buy up some awesome land and build some sort of communal living housing area for my friends and extended family, because I really do think it takes a village to raise children up right. They get so many different persepctives on life from adults they respect, they have plenty of people to talk to about anything they want to, us parents get a break so we don't get overwhelmed, there are plenty of able bodies to get the chores done, etc, etc. We've lost a lot of that with our fast-paced, lock-your-doors-to-keep-the-world-out, fend for yourselves attitude in society today...

After Dylan graduates from 5th grade, we probably will be looking into moving into a larger house. One with 5 bedrooms and a place where I can set up my sewing room. When Joy gets a job, I'll be watching all the kids while also working at home. I'm looking forward to making this multigenerational household more pernament. Joy and Adam want to buy land and put a manufactured house on it. They are not adverse to making room for us when that happens.


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## MCR (Nov 20, 2001)

For a few months each year my mother (age70) lives with us, she shares Dd's room (she's 4) I know that won't last forever.
But she is lovely with Dd, I have got over the old fashioned stuff and have relaxed into it, she knows what I like and so long as she keeps Dd safe I don't mind that they are like two old biddies together








She cried on the phone today, when Dh told her she can come anytime she wants fro as long as she wants, no problem.
I'd love a house that gives her her own room and living room, so she can get away from out noise and chaos sometimes.


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## lemurik (Jul 26, 2007)

We live with my DH's parents and grandmother and I can't wait for that to be over. They own the house and we have an agreement to "rent" a part of it for 5 years. First floor is shared (with exception of grandma's room). Top floor is divided and we get three rooms to ourselves.
At times its really nice that the grandmother can watch the kids for some time while I cook or do housework, but because she is always there I often feel like I am being watched and judged and have to explain what/why I am doing.
We have a decent relationship and not many disagreements, but I would love to have my own house and really set the law to the kids as opposed to being forced to explain and let go of rules. Seems like my MIL's authority undermines mine.
Living with them also prevents me from accepting much help from my family and seeing them more often.
The kids love grandparents of course, but I would much rather live in a close but separate home.


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## bubbamummy (Feb 25, 2009)

Before the AirForce made us move







I lived in the same street as my ENTIRE family in a tiny English village. I lived next door to my grandma and auntie (and 2 cousins) and my mum lived 5 doors away and next to her was another auntie, across the road was my uncle. My son benefitted SO much....I am sad that I am now all alone here in Az


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## PeacefulSprout (Mar 31, 2009)

I'm so sad, because we are miving to another town from my parents who live right behind us (gate in fence!) so instead of being 1 phone call and a minute between us, there'll be at least 20 minutes depending on traffic (SoCal freeways, erg..)


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## Lynn08 (Dec 2, 2008)

I don't *really* belong here because it's just me, hubby, and lovey, but I just want to say how envious I am of all of you (even with the different family dynamics that can be a pain in the butt sometimes)!

I had never really thought about it until this past December when my sister had her 3rd baby. She had to have a c-section and needed help while she was recovering. I (and DD who was 4mo at the time) went to D.C. to stay the week of her surgery and our mom flew out from AZ to stay the month. It was GREAT! The children's needs were all met, the household was maintained, mealtimes were a breeze, and new baby & momma bonded.

Since then, DH and I have discussed different scenarios with various family members, but have not been able to figure out anything that would work for us in the "real world". We hope to get there one day, though.

Good luck and much love to all of you!


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## lawschoolmama (Mar 12, 2008)

How's everyone doing these days with their multigenerational living arrangements?







Mine has gotten even more crowded, as my grandparents are visiting at the moment and helping out a ton with childcare while my mom goes through a nurse training program... A LOT of people and a LOT of opinions about DD, what she should eat, do, play with, etc., right now, but I'm just trying to let go a little and relax and enjoy the whole family..But that's much easier said than done, kwim?







How's everyone else doing?


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Going great here despite the crowding 7 (8 if you count 3 month old Parker) in a 3 bedroom house. Joy and Adam took advantage of having live in childcare to go out to dinner on the spur of the moment. And I took advantage to get pizza for all the kids and me. It's really a win/win situation here. Joy and I even have a fantasy of getting 3 house and all 3 of us (Joy's family, Erica's family, and us) living next door to each other. And sharing a community garden. Ah well, we can dream.


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## PluggingAway (Dec 11, 2008)

Wow. What a great thread. We're purposeful multigenerational here also!

Three years ago, we converted a 2 car garage that was attached to our walk out basement into an apartment for my parents. It truly has been awesome. Every morning before work/daycare, Ds and I walk through the basement into Nana and Pappy's apartment, and I grab my "to go" cup of the world's best coffee (thanks Dad!) and Ds grabs a cookie (thanks Nana) and off we go into the world. We are truly blessed.


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## Areia (Mar 5, 2009)

I grew up in a multi-generation atmosphere and I loved it!! We technically didn't live with other family members, but for the 1st 5 years of my life, we lived in a 3 family with my grandmother on the first floor and an aunt and her family on the other floor. We also had several other relatives that lived down the street and nearby. It was the type of neighborhood where everyone looked out for each other so for the longest time, I thought I was related to everybody! We were always in each others homes.

My parents bought a house just before I started school, but it was only 15 minutes away and I stayed with my grandmother everyday after classes so it didn't really seem like much changed. Most of us "kids" ended up moving away and while I don't have any family in my immediate area, I work near my parents and my mom watches my DD while we're at work. It's her other home and she often has sleep overs with them too. I love the relationship she has with them. I also think it's kind of cool that she's playing at the same parks, library, etc that I did as a child. I like that feeling of "continuation" if that makes sense (sorry, can't think of the proper word right now). For various reasons, she's going to pre-school and elementary school near my parents so I expect that their bond will just grow closer.

Now that most of us have children, some of my cousins and I are trying to foster the same sort of relationship amongst our children that we had. This takes a bit more effort since we live so far away (the closest are almost 1.5 hours away) so visits usually happen only once or twice a month rather than almost every day. Hopefully, we the kids are a bit older we can have longer visits during vacations and holidays.

If we are lucky enough to have grandchildren, I hope that we live close enough to have that same sort of relationship too (without bugging the parents of course, :}


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## BarefootScientist (Jul 24, 2007)

I'm subbing to this thread and bumping it so I can hear more from you guys. Moving in together with my parents, grandpa, and sister (as long as we all have separate space







) is like, my ultimate dream.







:


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## Surfer Rosa (Jun 3, 2005)

I grew up in a house of 4 kids, + 2 of my brothers' friends who had crappy homes (...+ a few other spares, from time to time!), and my grandparents lived with us for about 6 months a year. I don't know how my mom stood it, but I loved having such a full house.

We share a house with my MIL-who is the best MIL ever, for lots of reasons. She's pretty open to our style of parenting, and defers to us about all things parenting. Sometimes she'll handle something, and it may not be our way of doing it, but we appreciate it, nonetheless. A couple of times we've had to "discuss" things, but in general, it's been smooth sailing. She's very supportive of me being a SAHM and b/c we have our mortgage arranged through her (we bought 1/2 the house from her), she is giving us a reprieve on these payments until I am back at work. Unfortunately, we are only a multigen house for part of the year, as she moved to the Caribbean a few years ago, and is home for maybe 2 months a year. We miss her!


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## Xavismom (Dec 22, 2009)

I would love this thread to revive! We are another purposeful multigenerational family here









90 % of the time, I love it. The rest of the time, it can be difficult, but still worth it. I love that my DS will be so close to my mom, and that I had my mom with me while I was pregnant. It was special to share that with her. I love that my DH and my mom have built a relationtionship, my mom always wished she had 2 kids, and my DH grew up without a mom. Its nice.

The three of us have lived together off and on for the last 7 years. Sometimes DH & I would move in with her, and sometimes she would move in with us. About 3 weeks ago, we bought a house that will be a permanent home for all of us, my mom, DH, DS & I. We really think who moves in with who shapes the dynamic, so all of us moving together will hopefully negate the 'this is my house you are living in' feelings.

My mom and DH work full time. I was planning on being a SAHM, but I may have to work weekends for a while to help with the mortgage which is a bit bigger than we originally anticipated. I only need to work 2 or 3 days a month, so its not too bad and I still feel like I am a SAHM. I do all the cooking and some of the cleaning. My mom does the cleaning that I dont do, and DH does all the 'fix it' stuff around the house. We are all really excited to get a huge garden going this year. This works for us so far!


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## lexmas (Jan 9, 2007)

I'll come back and update! We moved in with my mom, and it was a bit of a hard adjustment, I'm not going to lie. Moving to another house sounds great, because we do have some "her house" issues. It was mostly a frame of mind issue, like I didn't like saying we lived with her because I felt that implied that we moved in because we needed help, not because she needed help. Now I just say that we share a house, because that's really what it is.

DH is the only one who leaves the house every day lol. I was originally going to watch my grandmother while my mom went back to work, but my grandmother went downhill more so that wasn't really feasible, so we're all here. It's nice for my mom because she can get out and do things without trying to bring my grandmother along, and that's also nice because it gets her out of the house so we aren't in each other's way all the time. We actually don't spend all that much time together...we have our own section of the house, and we go outside a lot, but it's nice that we can spend time together when we want to.

I am really loving the arrangement...I think it's nice for my kids, and it's a big house in a great neighborhood so that's good. I wish we could split up the cooking and stuff, but my mom is a really picky eater (as is my grandmother) so they won't eat all the food we make! Sometimes we share meals, but rarely do we eat things that the other likes. We split the cleaning...I'm fairly certain I do more of it than my mom does but she does the stuff like cleaning the bathroom that I really don't like to do, so it's pretty fair. Plus, there are 4 of us and 2 of them, so we do make much more of a mess than they do!

Overall, it's going great, and I really love it. Big benefits for everyone...I know my mom would be so lonely here with my grandmother (she has dementia, can't walk alone, and doesn't really talk to anyone. She can, but generally she can't hear you or doesn't understand. She repeats things like "let's not do it again", the second half of the Hail Mary, and counts constantly all day long, even in her sleep. It's emotionally very taxing.) so it's worth it for that alone. Plus, splitting the bills has financial benefits as well, so we're going to spend a lot of time at Disneyworld in the upcoming year! So we're happy about that! There are always difficulties living with other people, but for the most part, it's a great arrangement.


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## Xavismom (Dec 22, 2009)

I wish my grandma could also be with us, she has dementia as well. But she has other issues besides that and needs more care than we can give her.

I agree the food issue can get tricky!! DH and my mom are both picky eaters, DH and I are vegitarians who occasionally eat fish, my mom eats meat, DH and I really like to avoid processed foods and my mom loves package convient things







Its been a challenge for me as the main cook and grocery shopper to keep everyone happy. Occasionally I do end up making two separate meals! Slowly my mom is eating less meat, and becoming more aware that processed food really IS bad, so its making my life much easier!

Thats nice you have your own section of the house! We have been sharing all of the living space for almost a year now, and it gets tough sometimes. Right now in our new house, DH & I will have our own family room, but right now its a construction zone


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## lexmas (Jan 9, 2007)

So funny, your family sounds just like mine! Yeah, my grandmother is a lot of work, she can't walk alone, she has episodes where she just stares at you and is non-responsive (they don't know what these are) and she needs assistance with pretty much everything, including in the bathroom. She needs more care than I can give her alone for an extended period of time, so my poor mom never gets to go on vacation or just get a break for a few days, and she needs it!

We also don't eat a lot of meat and avoid processed foods while my mom is a big meat eater and processed food lover. On the plus side, this means that the stove and oven are always free for me to use while she uses the microwave almost exclusively. On the negative side, she can't for the life of her figure out why my food makes such a big mess to prepare and hers doesn't, so the not always pristine kitchen drives her a little crazy!

Well, by own section I mean, we have two adjoining rooms upstairs, and we made one into a family room! It's tiny, but I loved apartment living so I really don't mind a small space, and we do share the rest of the house as well, so it's not like we're confined up there. It's nice though because my mother teaches religion twice a week (there's another interesting dichotomy...my mom is Catholic and teaches religion to kids, and we're athiests. Somehow it's not an issue though!) and we have to be home (you know, to make sure she's not like, harming the kids or something...haha) so it's nice that we don't have to be downstairs all the time during that, mostly just because we'd have to get the kids to be quiet, and that wouldn't happen!


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## PluggingAway (Dec 11, 2008)

Aw man...I just lost a looong post. Grrrr. (somebody told me once about cutting and pasting to save a post....I HAVE to remember to do that from now on).
Well, I'm at work so I don't have much time. I was just glad to see this thread again. We're coming up on our 4 year year anniversary of multigenerational living and none us have regrets. I'll join the discussion later!


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## caiesmommy (Feb 26, 2007)

We did live with my inlaws for my pregnancy w ds/until he was a year and a half. Now we live next door to them. So I still consider that to be living together in a sense









We would have lived there forever, but between wanting to have another baby, the space ds was taking up and the kitchen space being cramped, it became to much so when the house next door came for sale and we were thinking of moving it was perfect









I love that when I work I have babysitting, that if Im sick I can take the kids next door and I can rest. But I also love the little bit of privacy that we have. Its like the best of both worlds


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

We're still here and still all together. This last weekend, it was just Joy and me with all the kids as both husbands were gone. In situations like that, 2 moms to 4 kids is just about the right ratio. This arrangement is still working for all of us. But we are still in a house that is too small.

I wish that my mil would live with us in her own granny flat but she is one stuborn Scotch/Irish Texan so she still lives on her own. And dh and I go back and forth between watching our own grandkids and supporting our grown children to taking care of her. Ah well, that's life. And I'm gratefull that she can (just barely with a lot of help) still live in her own house. We do all her cooking and cleaning. Dh does the most of it including helping her with her personal care. Joy and I cook dinner and Dylan and I take it over to her house (2.5 miles away; about 10 minutes) and eat with her. We stay for a while and then come home. On the weekends, I'll take some of the grandkids with me. They get to see great grandma and their parents get some alone time.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caiesmommy* 
We did live with my inlaws for my pregnancy w ds/until he was a year and a half. Now we live next door to them. So I still consider that to be living together in a sense









We would have lived there forever, but between wanting to have another baby, the space ds was taking up and the kitchen space being cramped, it became to much so when the house next door came for sale and we were thinking of moving it was perfect









I love that when I work I have babysitting, that if Im sick I can take the kids next door and I can rest. But I also love the little bit of privacy that we have. Its like the best of both worlds









Funny but the house next door to us is for sale. It would be nice if one of us were in a position to buy it but no such luck. The house across the street was also for rent at the same time. It was a nice fantasy to talk about Erica having one of the houses and Joy the other one.


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## Xavismom (Dec 22, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lexmas* 

It's nice though because my mother teaches religion twice a week (there's another interesting dichotomy...my mom is Catholic and teaches religion to kids, and we're athiests. Somehow it's not an issue though!) and we have to be home (you know, to make sure she's not like, harming the kids or something...haha)

Wow our family dynamics ARE similar haha! DH & I are also athiests







My mom is Agnostic, and is very 'concerned' about DS being raised 'without anything to believe in'







We have had many a converstation about this already. She is worried the world will look 'bleak' to DS without spirituality.

I gave her 'Unweaving the Rainbow' by Richard Dawkins to read, so she could see that life itself is beautiful enough, but she couldnt make it through the book, she said it was too hard to read


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## Shahbazin (Aug 3, 2006)

We're an originally unintentional, but now intentional, multigenerational family







We lost our home in a natural disaster in late '07 (wildfire), & moved in w/the ILs (who lived in the same town), until we figured out what to do next. Since I was SAHMing w/a baby & a toddler, I ended up helping w/MIL, as she was just getting to where she was getting really affected by Alzheimers. She passed away a year ago, & we bought the house from FIL last fall, with the understanding that he will continue living here, & we will take care of him if/when he needs it (he's 82).

I'm not sure how it would have worked if there'd been 2 "ladies of the house", but since MIL wasn't really able to cook or wash or anything any more, I just did things my way, although I didn't make any changes in the house until after she was gone. FIL is content to have the "lady of the house" do whatever in terms of scheduling/arranging/etc. - he makes his own breakfast, & shops for some of his favorite items, but I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry & so forth, & we get most of the groceries.

FIL does like his big screen TV a lot, & the kids get a lot more screen time than if we were by ourselves (& more sweets  ), but they also get a lot of lap time reading stories, & a 2nd adult keeping an eye on them. They also have learned about living w/extended family, will bring his cane to him if he sets it down somewhere, & know that he leads the blessing at the table at supper time. I think it really helps them feel more secure with two adults around them all of the time. DH is around weekends & before & after work, FIL is too unsteady physically to be in charge of the kids if I'm not here, but it's still a big help to have the kids occupied while I'm cooking or folding clothes or something. And I can't imagine FIL rattling around here by himself - he was married for 61 years, & MIL always looked after him.

The house is a little late '50s ranch, & we're just getting a couple of rooms added to where the back porch was, so it's going to be a whole lot more livable in another month or so. The kids & we have been sharing the master bedroom & bath, FIL has his own bedroom & a bath down the hall, & the 3rd bedroom had been turned into an office/storage room years ago - that's getting moved out into the big new room along with all my art stuff, the 3rd bedroom is getting turned into the girls' room, & the little new room will be DH's den/office (& place of quiet!).


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## Xavismom (Dec 22, 2009)

Shahbazin, I've wondered about the whole TV issue! I've got to admit I am a little concerened about it for when my DS is older.

DH and I have a TV, but its not hooked up to anything, so you cant watch channels on it. We use it for our computer monitor/Xbox/movies. My mom is a TV watcher though. No matter what, when she is home, her TV is on! She watches it religiously every night until she falls asleep on the couch. I do worry about DS getting too much TV since we live with her, I would honestly prefer DS not watch any TV at all. My mom says things to him all the time too about TV and movies (even though he obviously cant understand her). Like the other day something about Avatar was on TV, and she says, you wait till your a little bigger and you can watch Avatar with Grandma! And I was like who-what-huh? No...I dont think so mom. She was pretty put out about it.

Whats the TV situation like for everyone else? Is it a problem?


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xavismom* 

Whats the TV situation like for everyone else? Is it a problem?

We "solved" it by having multiple TVs. We have one in our room, Dylan has one, and the main one in the living room. Dh watches TV in our room at night. Dylan watches things he can watch but the little ones can't in his room. we restrict not just content but hours as well. No TV in the mornings. No TV between dinner and the kids bedtimes. Computer, game systems, etc are all considered TV time. All screen time counts. Dylan gets up to 4 hours; the little kids get under 2 hours.

It helps that all the adults were basically on the same wave length before this system evolved. None of us believe in no TV. But we all believe in lots of physical activity and outdoor play so restricting screen time and multiple TVs were logical solutions for us. Especially given the large number and age range people who live here.

As far as the Avatar comment goes, did you ask your mom what she meant by "a little older"? That's rather a vague statement of time. It could mean next week or 5 years from now or when your son is a preteen, teen, or young adult. And did she mean the movie or the animated series?


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## Xavismom (Dec 22, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewchris2642* 

As far as the Avatar comment goes, did you ask your mom what she meant by "a little older"? That's rather a vague statement of time. It could mean next week or 5 years from now or when your son is a preteen, teen, or young adult. And did she mean the movie or the animated series?

She meant the movie, and she meant pretty much when DS has the attention span to watch the TV. Its not that I have anything against that movie, or movies in general, I just fear her turning my DS into a TV zombie early







I want him to play, and use his immagination, ride bikes, get dirty, read books... like I did when I was a kid. I've seen others friends kids that get obsessed with movies and TV, and it makes me sad.


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## Shahbazin (Aug 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xavismom* 
Shahbazin, I've wondered about the whole TV issue! I've got to admit I am a little concerened about it for when my DS is older. ...

FIL is pretty good about not watching violent stuff while the kids are awake, & while he likes the set on a lot, he'll turn it to PBS in the mornings, & he does read a bit midday. So it's just something we have to compromise on. We do have a nice backyard, & the kids are really more interested in doing "real stuff" ie helping with the pen of hens, catching caterpillars, picking vegetables from the little strip of garden along the edge of the yard, & so forth. So while they do include stuff they've seen on TV in their pretend play, they don't seem glued to it or anything. Maybe if the girls were unhealthily fascinated by the TV, it would be more of an issue.


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## Hedwig_Fly (Apr 15, 2008)

I'm so glad I found this thread. I read it last night and forwarded it to my parents. We have talked for a long time about moving to a small farmette, with one house for my family that has a big kitchen and a smaller house for my parents. In the past few months I've been thinking more seriously about it and MY parents love the idea. My DH wouldn't mind the arrangement as he gets along really well with both my parents and all my siblings.

One of the biggest issues we would have to face is his parents. They would not be happy with the arrangement at all. I don't want my IL's to think we are trying to exclude them from our lives or try to cut their time with my children. My DH thinks the actual move would cause a lot of fall out. I don't want to lose his parents in our lives. Did anyone else have this issue? and if so how did it resolve?


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

Hi there! I haven't read the whole thread yet, but wanted to chime in with our living arrangments... we moved in with my dad, oh, nearly 3 yrs ago now on a (supposedly) 'temporary' basis. We're still here







Since then we've gotten chickens, goats, & ducks (and the chickens just got given away two days ago, as we like the ducks better







, and my grandpa built a little cabin for him & my grandma to come down and stay in... in practice its kinda become my dad's house







. I have no idea how much longer we'll be here for, though I'd guess at least 6 months to a year, maybe longer, I really don't know.

Most of the time, we like it. Mostly. My dad tends to drink a lot and can be kinda moody. Which can be kinda tough (though its nice he has the cabin to retreat to now when he wants/needs some space/alone time). The first couple years when he didn't have the cabin to retreat to, we just kinda seperated the house into two - he had/has the log cabin (his room, kitchen & living room) & we have the 'addition' (family room & DH&my bedroom and the boys' room... used to be my and my brothers' room built about 17 yrs ago







, with the bathroom/laundry room/kitchen more shared.

Anyhow, DH & talk/dream about moving out on our own if/when DH finds a job. TBH I'll be sad if/when we move but part of me will also be thrilled to have my own house again. Alternatively, if DH manages to find a job around here someplace, and we end up staying permanently (unlikely) I suspect my dad will move to the cabin more-or-less permanently. But, we'll see.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

TBH, we are multi-generational living and it's not working *at all*.

My mother moved in with us permanently a few years ago (financial reasons). She has been a poor money manager all her life and it finally put her in a position of being destitute at an old age and somebody had to take her in. I have 2 sisters that have not lifted a finger to help at all.

ETA: I wasn't going to go into this, but I will explain some of the reasons why it doesn't work (but we have to deal with it) for others thinking of doing this. These are all issues that should have been discussed BEFOREHAND. She lives in our house and we did not set up some ground rules when we should have.

- My mother lives here and is physically capable, but does not lift a finger to do anything and grumbles when I ask her to do something. For example, I've asked her to take over doing the dishes (we have a dishwasher). She'll leave the dishes in the sink all day (and yes, I'm a neat freak) until I do them myself. Then when I'm doing them, she will come in and passive-aggressively say, "I was just coming in to do those. You think I can't do anything right." Uhhhh... I don't read minds, and I have to start on making dinner (which she never does... NEVER... because she literally can.not.cook.). She will have been in her rooms watching TV for 6 hours and then when she hears me in the kitchen doing them... then she comes in.









- She was a rotten mother, yelling, spanking, punishing us in such ways as making us stand in the corner on our tiptoes touching our nose to a spot above our heads. We are GD. She starts to raise her voice to dd and it brings back some horrible memories. We tried to talk about these things and I've told her to never even raise her voice to dd, but she is who she is. This is *my* issue. But I thought she had mellowed out and she hasn't.

- We built an addition for her. It's heated separately. I keep my house during the winter at about 65*F - 68*F to save money (and it's more comfortable). She keeps her rooms at about 80* during the winter and when our electricity bill skyrockets and we ask her to turn it down a little and put on more layers she bitches until we just give in and say "whatever". Our electricity usage has TRIPLED since she moved in (she also watches TV all day and when we talked about getting rid of cable, she threw a fit, but didn't offer to pay for it).

- I have no privacy. None. She doesn't either. Dd is out in her rooms often. Usually mom is OK with this, but she's not a people person. I sometimes just wish to have the house to myself. Not to "do" anything... just to be ALONE. I am NEVER alone unless I'm home and mom is picking up dd from school. Two blissful hours by myself. Sometime I just sit and read a book or get on here when I have some alone time.

- We eat out once a week and she never pays for her own food. She never offers to pay for any of the groceries. She gets social security, but she blows it all on junk. Literally, just wal-mart junk and junk food. But never to offer to help out. (Yeah, you can tell I'm bitter about this.) If we ever say we want to go out to do something, just the 3 of us, she pouts like a child.

- She has no friends and goes nowhere because she is an old, bitter, and surly woman. People don't like to be around her because she's so negative.

- She knows no boundaries. This I had to REALLY put my foot down about. She would open our mail, walk into rooms with closed doors, pry into our business, ask about things that we didn't want to discuss, offer marriage advice, etc. I *did* put this to a stop.

- We bought her a car and pay for everything with it... tags, upkeep, insurance, etc. She found the car she wanted (a Mercedes) and wouldn't budge about it. Found a reason to dislike every other car we looked at for her. This is just *her personality*. She's like a spoiled brat. I hate my dd seeing this. She is just a bad influence and I can't do anything about it.

Meh... we'll deal with it. We have no choice. Dh is no help because he doesn't want to "get in the middle". Needless to say, though, I regret letting her move in here. The alternative, though, would have been her being homeless and that's not acceptable. I just wish we would have established some VERY, VERY strong rules before she moved in... in WRITING.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xavismom* 
She meant the movie, and she meant pretty much when DS has the attention span to watch the TV. Its not that I have anything against that movie, or movies in general, I just fear her turning my DS into a TV zombie early







I want him to play, and use his immagination, ride bikes, get dirty, read books... like I did when I was a kid. I've seen others friends kids that get obsessed with movies and TV, and it makes me sad.

If he's anything like Dylan and my grandson, that could take years. For years, Dylan's idea of watching a movie was to watch a scene, run off and reenact it (or incorporate it into other play), then come back and watch another 5-10 minutes. Then we introduced him into "the making of....." specials. He would watch them all the way through. The mechanics of how the movie was made was much more interesting to him than the actual movie. He still watches "real" TV more than cartoons and movies. His favorite channels are the history channel, science channel, discovery channel, and the military channel. We will never be able to give up expanded cable as long as he lives here.

As a family we tend to watch TV while doing something else. Joy knits, I sew, Adam draws, etc.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hedwig_Fly* 
I'm so glad I found this thread. I read it last night and forwarded it to my parents. We have talked for a long time about moving to a small farmette, with one house for my family that has a big kitchen and a smaller house for my parents. In the past few months I've been thinking more seriously about it and MY parents love the idea. My DH wouldn't mind the arrangement as he gets along really well with both my parents and all my siblings.

One of the biggest issues we would have to face is his parents. They would not be happy with the arrangement at all. I don't want my IL's to think we are trying to exclude them from our lives or try to cut their time with my children. My DH thinks the actual move would cause a lot of fall out. I don't want to lose his parents in our lives. Did anyone else have this issue? and if so how did it resolve?

We didn't have that issue as Joy and Adam first lived with Adam's mom for a few months before moving in with us. But the job prospects in our area were greater than where she lives. Adam's dad lives about 30 minutes away and doesn't have the room. So our house was the logical choice.


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