# Please help, 4 yr old hitting, kicking, laughing



## Qerratsmom (Sep 22, 2004)

What do I do when my 4 year old son purposely hits,kicks, name calls and torments, then laughs at any attempts to stop him? I am at a loss of how to stop this or what the correct measure would be. Please I need advice!


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## lesliesara63 (Dec 18, 2004)

Just bumping this since I'm in the same boat and at my wits end. Also what is a natural consequence for rudeness?


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## pacifica (Apr 8, 2006)

I would like some advice in this area, too!


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## Sue32 (Sep 24, 2006)

Humm, yes, we've developed a little of this too, the kicking thing, especially with his dad when I have told him off and daddy has backed me up.

He also tells me he doesn't have a mother when he is cross with me, that sucks.

I said to him today "say sorry to daddy for kicking him" no reply...repeated several times...then I said if he didn't do the right thing, he wouldn't be playing any computer games today, so he apologized, then said "so can I play games now?" - wonder if I did the right thing? I think bad consequences determine a lot of good behaviour, but I would have rather felt he did the right thing for the right reason, not just to get his games back.

I was left wondering if it really matters anyway, do we all basically do the right things so we stay out of trouble? Ah, the world of the four year old is all very deep to me.


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## Arien (Sep 20, 2004)

My son has lately been an absolute demonchild. Hitting me, hitting kids at school. I punish him by making him sit in a chair (literally feet away from me - not far) or by sending him to his room. Both work as in - he doesn't like either and scream bloody murder. But he still continues with the bad bad behaviour. Am also at wits end. Age 3 1/2 - four has been a nightmare. Apparently it just gets worse.


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

subbing. Dd1 doesn't kick or hit, but has been very rude. I am trying to work out a consensual living arrangment here, but it's hard to do when my 4 year old doesn't care about anyone elses' feelings or wants (seemingly so, anyway).

Hope some experienced mamas chime in soon...


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## theskuldt (Jul 24, 2004)

i've been having this issue my 3 1/2 yo lately too: kicking and hitting me. This is definetly one thing that I am really not ok with.

My general strategy, which has been working out with mixed results on this one, is to keep things focused on the personal relationship, rather than the "rules". I think relationships are far more relavent to little ones (and to us all) than rules, which are pretty abstract. In other words, he doesn't have to refrain from kicking me because it's "wrong" or "not nice" but because *I* don't want to be hurt. This is also, importantly, what I want to model for him -if another kid hits him, giving that kid a time out or whatever is not going to be an option, nor is it really the way I want him to relate to people. walking away from them is.

I also do my best to figure out what the underlying motivation is so that I can more effectively redirect, and so I can understand what he's dealing with better. With this I see a lot of possibilities:
Simple curiousity ("hmmm i wonder what happens if I kick mom? Wonder what happens if I do it again when she asks me not to?").
attempt to get a particular kind of attention he feels lacking.
Feelings of anger, frustration, aggression.
Feelings of powerlessness, sadness, anxiety.
Physical/emotional energy that he doesn't know how to handle in a good way.

In practice, of course, this does not lead to any magical results, and I'm still trying to figure out how to do it best. Each time it occurs I feel like a get a little closer but it's a work in progress. I just try all the strategies I can think of and keep breathing to try to keep myself calm, which is a challenge cause it does really push my buttons, but important I think -he can't learn how to handle his feelings if I don't model handling mine well!

Here's how things went today:
He gets mad about something (don't remember what right now), and starts to hit me. I talk to him about it while holding up my hands to block his blows. "I don't want you to hit me. If you keep hitting me I'm going to get up and walk away from you. I would really rather be close to you and keep playing but I need to keep my body safe. I hope that you will do the same thing if somebody hurts you, you can walk away to keep your body safe."
We talk some more and he stops for a bit but also tells me he wants to hit me and he's doing it on purpose. love the honesty at this age









I try offering other things to hit: the couch, the floor, etc. ask him for ideas of things he'd like to hit that wouldn't hurt them.

When he doesn't stop I tell him I need go in a different room from him in order to not be hit. I walk into the bedroom with him so he can hit the bed by himself and then leave, reassuring him that I will still be close by and would love to be with him as soon as he can touch me in more gentle ways.
I feel like with this physical seperation it's important that I be really clear and consistant (if he chases after me we will keep trying different rooms, and I will close the door, until he stops hurting me) but also reassuring and loving (telling him that I love him, that I will stay close by and still be in the house with him, always keeping him safe, etc) because feeling scared or abandoned is not going to help him act more calm and loving. and I imagine being separated from mom and stuck in a room by himself is pretty scary at 3. He looks pretty terrified when I mention closing the door, which is not the feeling I want to inspire.

he comes out and says he will stop but then starts again. we talk again about other options if he wants to hit or kick something, and about the fact the I will not be physically close when he hurts me. lots of repatition. Through out all of this I am putting up my hands to stop his, or holding his arms down, gently enough not to hurt him but firm enough that I'm not getting hit.
Eventually he says he want to go outside and kick the soccer ball (which I haven't even suggested). I honestly REALLY don't feel like going outside but I want to encourage him coming up with his own solutions so I do go.

We end up having a great time playing soccer together, and both end the afternoon (I think) feeling pretty trusting of eachother and close.

Of course, this all takes over an hour. which *sucks*. an hour in which I do not get dinner made or get the house picked up, and when my partner comes hom we have a less than ideal dinner of nachos and salad. An hour in which I have had my patience stretched super-thin, which sucks.

I too am hoping there is a wise mama out there who will reveal the secrets to solving this problem in a was easier way, but, for me at least, I'm not sure it's possible.
I'm sorry I don't have any definitive answers or how-to's I guess for myself I have to just keep struggling with it and prioritize dealing with it over getting other things done. I feel like we are making progress, in a healthy way, and that's what matters to me...

any thoughts/ideas/suggestions?


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## Arien (Sep 20, 2004)

I am sure my son is hitting me, kids at school because he is usually present when I have an argument with my husband. Can't help it though, we have two kids, and no time for each other,.


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

One PP mentioned what she said while her son hit....and I thought "wow, that's a lot of talking!"

If they are wound up enough to hit, they probably are not going to hear or process much talking.

To me, the natural consequence of DD1 being rude to me is that I'm not interested in playing with her or interacting with her for a little while afterward. I tell her that upfront - "You hit me, and that hurt me, and I don't really want to play with someone who hurts me."

If she hits DD2, who is too young to communicate (except to cry!) I focus on DD2 and making sure she's okay. Then I will ask DD1 why she hit. usually she is expressing frustration or wants, so I ask her to use words first.

We had the laughing issue too, where she would laugh when I asked her not to do something. I interpreted it as nervous laughter. She knew I was getting angry and part of her wanted to see what would happen but the other part was scared, so it came out as laughter.


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