# 4 year old neighbor exposing himself



## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

My neighbors are raising their 4 year old grandson, and we do not know them very well. Their grandson, J, is in my son's preschool class, and the children are very good friends. I have no other concerns about J.

But this week my MIL, who was visiting, looked out the window and saw J exposing his penis to my son. I had a conference scheduled with my son's teacher, so I mentioned it to her and asked that she make a public announcement to the children that it is not okay to expose their privates to anyone, even their friends. I did not want to bring it up to the grandparents, because I do not know them very well, and I was concerned that they would shame J or punish him for what I considered age appropriate behaviour.

She said she would have adiscussion with the class, and DH and I talked to our children about it that night. We told them that they should never expose their butts or penis to anyone, and if anyone, even J, tried to show his butt or penis to them, they should come and tell me immediately. It was then that I learned that this is not the first time that J has exposed himself to them, and that it has happened on at least 5 other occassions.

I am going to see if the teacher's discussion with the class works, but I dont know what to do if he continues to expose himself to my kids. I don't want to stop them from playing together, but I do not think I have the authority to have such a sensetive discussion with him. I also do not know his grandparents well, but have heard them scolding him harshly for what I consider to be stupid things, so I am hesitant to bring such a serious issue to their attention. At the moment the boys are not allowed to play with him unsupervised, but he was exposing himself in our front yard, and I certainly cannot stop them from ever being outside when he is, nor do I want to, as he's a sweet boy and they play together very well.

I am also concerned because they also are raising their 2 year old granddaughter, and if he's so blatently exposing himself to my boys, what is he doing with her in the privacy of their house? This behaviour, unchecked, could escalate into molestion of her as they grow older.

What would you do if you were in this sticky situation?


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

I'm hearing you say two things:

* This is age appropriate but undesirable behavior

* that could lead to sexual molestation???

I am the mother of a four year old who is VERY proud of his hiney and penis! If he could get a reaction out of someone by showing it to them, believe me, he would. If a neighbor boy of four was in my yard showing my boys his penis I would be pretty friendly but firm, "Hey now, that belongs to you - let's keep our pants up when we're outside of the bathroom, ok?" There is NO REASON to shame the child or to sexualize his behavior- just because it is his penis does not make it sexual! He gets a reward for showing his bits- a lot of attention!

It is not the teacher's place to get involved in what is truly a personal, parent-to-parent issue.

I guess I just disagree that it's 'sticky'... it seems very simple to me.

Quote:

and if he's so blatently exposing himself to my boys, what is he doing with her in the privacy of their house?
OH my I can't even describe how







this makes me!! You are villainizing this little boy for normal behavior.. I hope that you can see that and reframe what you are seeing. He is innocent until he harms someone, and he has not harmed anyone at this point, only pressed your comfort level. Honor that but do not shame this child.







Said with love and understanding for you and the little one.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dynamicdoula*
I am the mother of a four year old who is VERY proud of his hiney and penis! If he could get a reaction out of someone by showing it to them, believe me, he would. If a neighbor boy of four was in my yard showing my boys his penis I would be pretty friendly but firm, "Hey now, that belongs to you - let's keep our pants up when we're outside of the bathroom, ok?" There is NO REASON to shame the child or to sexualize his behavior- just because it is his penis does not make it sexual! He gets a reward for showing his bits- a lot of attention!

ITA with the above. I don't see any reason to worry about the 2 yo based on this.


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## scatterbrainedmom (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dynamicdoula*
If a neighbor boy of four was in my yard showing my boys his penis I would be pretty friendly but firm, "Hey now, that belongs to you - let's keep our pants up when we're outside of the bathroom, ok?"

sounds perfect


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## SCC703 (Apr 23, 2006)

Being a child psychology major I don't think that it's a sign of molestation. I think it's a sign of not having any parental supervision enough to know whats wrong and whats right. I agree with scatterbrainedmom in saying "hey lets keep that to yourself"... I think he would definitely feel embarrassed or ashamed in front of you if you did say something and then maybe wouldnt want to do it again... it's possible that no one has told him that those kinds of things are private and shouldn't be showing them to others


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

:::sigh:::

I never said it was a sign of molestation, I said unchecked, it could turn into molestation as they age. This is coming from someone who was molested by not one but several older boys when I was a little child.

But you know, I stopped coming to mothering over a month ago because of responses like this... people who don't bothering comprehending a message before posting a response. Sorry I made you cry.









I won't be back. Thanks anyways.

And yes, he has been told that it's unacceptable to show his privates to others. And he's still doing it. And I said that I took it up with his teacher because they've just finished a program that addresses this, and I wanted him to be spoken to by a figure of authority who wouldnt shame or punish him. So give me a damn break. You didnt bother comprehending a word that I said.


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## scatterbrainedmom (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MPJJJ*

I am also concerned because they also are raising their 2 year old granddaughter, and if he's so blatently exposing himself to my boys, *what is he doing with her in the privacy of their house?* This behaviour, unchecked, could escalate into molestion of her as they grow older.

*What would you do if you were in this sticky situation?*

one) you asked for our opinion. what did you expect? not everyone agrees with everyone

two) you are making assumptions that bear nothing on the situation. he is FOUR! ugh. my five year old like to shoot his penis at people and so does my 2yo.

it obviously bothers you so you should talk to the granparents. ESPECIALLY if you think it could escalate to molestation.


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## scatterbrainedmom (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MPJJJ*

I won't be back. Thanks anyways.


i'm sorry you feel that way. this is a great board for advice even if you don't always like it. take what you need and leave the rest.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

I'm sorry that you didn't get what you were looking for- rather than attacking, could you clarify what I didn't understand so that I can help better? I will totally 'give you a damn' break if you give me the opportunity.

And you didn't make me cry, but it definitely wounds my heart to see a little boy exhibiting normal behavior being accused of possibly hurting people later on- would you say the same about a daughter who couldn't stop touching herself or other developmentally normal but socially challenging behavior? I am trying to understand *your* words, which I quoted above. Did I get it wrong?

I am sad that you are giving up rather than getting support and your questions answered, but if leaving meets your needs then I wish you well.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

Quote:

I never said it was a sign of molestation, I said unchecked, it could turn into molestation as they age. This is coming from someone who was molested by not one but several older boys when I was a little child.
Sadly you aren't alone in this fact and I hear where you are coming from- but your conjecture is based on anecdote and personal trauma, not childhood development, ykwim? I hope that you will look at the situation again casting the little boy in a light of innocence and see if you come to a new conclusion. Blessings to you.


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## huggerwocky (Jun 21, 2004)

He's 4 , as far as I'm concerned this is normal.


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## SCC703 (Apr 23, 2006)

Asking for advise is just that! It's advise from people with all different backgrounds and different ways of dealing with things. It just gives you the oppertunity to gather a few ideas.
You don't need to be so nasty... and yes I've had quite the childhood dealing with things like this as well and all I did was give you my opinion. I don't think it's the child that isnt acting his age, but instead it's you. I wish you luck!


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## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *huggerwocky*
He's 4 , as far as I'm concerned this is normal.

Normal,or not,it would bother me to see another child exposing himself to my son.







: I honestly think I would probably not allow my kid to play unnatended with this little boy from now on.


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

It is normal, but should be addressed (like the PP that said, "Hey, keep it in your pants.") Just knowing that an adult witnessed him might be enough to make him stop.

I don't think it should have been brought to the teacher's attention though, as it didn't happen AT school. If there was any concern, it should've been taken up with the grandparents. "Hey, I know this is normal behavior for this age but I thought you'd want to know..."


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L&IsMama*
Normal,or not,it would bother me to see another child exposing himself to my son.







: I honestly think I would probably not allow my kid to play unnatended with this little boy from now on.

I personally feel that 4 is a little young to be playing without adult supervision, anyway.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

I have to ask- what if it was a girl, lifting her skirt? Would she be assigned this 'bad' behavior, this borderline predatory behavior? Food for thought!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Can I ask what the issue is with the little boy's penis being visible? My son almost never even wore clothes until he started school. He ran around naked all the time. We told him some people didn't like that, and that he should put on pants before he went over to his friend's house, and that was about it. I had a run-in with one neighbour over it, and that was about it (as she equated my naked four-year-old with herself out in the yard using a sex toy in front of everybody, I didn't even take her seriously). I don't understand why this is a problem.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

*


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

well i don' t think it's normal.. I guess it depends on how he is exposing himself. i mean if he is just open about people showing it, like peeing out in the lawn then yes, i find it normal becuase they aren't shy. but if he see's someone and that's when he shows it then to me, that is very ODD behavior. Even my 2 yr old wouldn't act in such a way. It def. tells me that there is some issues that we don't no about.
I would approch the grandparents about it because i WOULD not my children exposed to this and if nothing is done about it then i would go to a higher power. JMO


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## scatterbrainedmom (May 31, 2005)

what is the difference from a moon and a full on frontal? my brother mooned EVERYONE for a few years starting around age 5 (he still likes to do it now and he is 22). even our preacher. they are both private areas. for that matter so is flashing someone your breasts at Mardi Gras.

Quote:

well i don' t think it's normal.. I guess it depends on how he is exposing himself. i mean if he is just open about people showing it, like peeing out in the lawn then yes, i find it normal becuase they aren't shy. but if he see's someone and that's when he shows it then to me, that is very ODD behavior. Even my 2 yr old wouldn't act in such a way. It def. tells me that there is some issues that we don't no about.
I would approch the grandparents about it because i WOULD not my children exposed to this and if nothing is done about it then i would go to a higher power. JMO


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

There is a difference in my opinon. When you moon someone it's not a very respectful thing to do but everyone has a butt, but if you flash the "other" private area and my daughter see's it then i'm sure in her eyes, a butt and a penis is a HUGH difference. I guess it just depends on how your raised. My children no that its called a private area for a reason.


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## CryPixie83 (Jan 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dlcmama*
but if he see's someone and that's when he shows it then to me, that is very ODD behavior. Even my 2 yr old wouldn't act in such a way. It def. tells me that there is some issues that we don't no about.

Doesn't sound odd at all to me. He's FOUR he's exploring his body and sharing his finds. Maybe your 2 y/o wouldn't act like that, but a good number of healthy, stable kids do.

Just ask the boy to please keep his penis in his pants. Explain private parts if you think he doesn't get it. Being raised by an elderly couple sometimes you miss out on key conversations (I'm speaking from experience) and he may not know any better.

I understand the molestation fear, but I don't think thats an issue here, I think this is a privacy issue. And honestly, males just like their penises, it's normal to show off what you're proud of. Heck, guys do that all the way through high school.

If you see actual inappropriate behavior (touching, coaxing your ds to show their privates, etc) then take action, talk to the grandparents.


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## CryPixie83 (Jan 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dlcmama*
When you moon someone it's not a very respectful thing to do but everyone has a butt, but if you flash the "other" private area and my daughter see's it then i'm sure in her eyes, a butt and a penis is a HUGH difference.

It's still just a penis. It's not some vulgar, offensive thing. It's a penis. Girls have a vulva, boys have a penis. Why is that such a huge deal? My 21 month old dd knows what a penis is, what it looks like and that penis=boy as vulva=girl.

I could understand if a boy was making vulgar, or sexual THAT would be unacceptable, but innocent show and tell? Not a big deal....


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

to you it may not be a offensive, vulgar thing but to me it is. It's very disrespectful. My daughter no's what a penis is also but that doesn't make it right to be exposed to a complete strangers private part.

Like i said it really just depends here how he is "exposing" himself. I'm not sure how exactly he is doing it. kwim


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dlcmama*
that doesn't make it right to be exposed to a complete strangers private part.

Like i said it really just depends here how he is "exposing" himself. I'm not sure how exactly he is doing it. kwim

There isn't any reason to think the boy is or would show his penis to complete strangers.

My ds is at the point where he completely can't understand that other people might not want to see him naked. When I tell him his penis is private, he loudly announces "MY penis isn't private!" But he has caught on to the fact that other people shouldn't be able to see him when he pees outside.


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

Well perhaps they way we view things and such is a difference of where we are. kwim. I don't no what to say. But i do no that for a child to just expose himself (if thats what he was doing) isn't normal behavior in my eyes. It just isn't.


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## Gitti (Dec 20, 2003)

What a sad post. My three kids ran around naked all summer long till THEY felt uncomfortable doing it.
Both girls around age 3 but my son was at least 4.

My grandson ran naked till he was 7. Suddenly he had to wear swimming trunks, so that was it. But he still is not shy about coming out of the shower naked and strutting around the house. He is 8 now. And he will do that until he doesn't feel comfortable. When he has an overnight guest, he turns quite shy. No nudity then!

We were in Europe last year and in a local swimming hole, boys 8-9 years old saw nothing wrong with taking off their wet swimming trunks and putting on dry ones. Those kids just go and do it. I have to say the girls are a little more reserved.

Your son has to come and tell you immediately? How sad! I bet he will learn to be embarrassed of his natural body parts. How very sad!!


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

okay perhaps your not UNDERSTANDING what i'm saying. What i'm saying and if you read my previous post you would of oviously understood what i'm saying. What i was saying is with this child who was "exposing himself" is that i needed more info. I don't no what she ment by exposing himself. I said If he was exposing himself while peeing in the yard and things like that then no there is nothing wrong with that. They aren't shy. But if they are pulling out their penis just to show it off then yes, to me there is something wrong with it. Please don't say that it's sad for my child because you no nothing of the sort what goes on in my family and how things are ran. My daughter is 2 yrs old and runs around naked sometimes, i dont' see anything wrong with that. My son gets out of the shower and goes from the bathroom to his room naked nothing wrong with that.

Perhaps i misunderstood the whole post of him exposing himself. But i was thinking more along the lines of a child playing in his yard and that little boy decides to pull out his penis just for that child to see. Am i way off base here? Did i view it differently


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

Coming back because someone PMed me and asked me to explain further.

This is not a simple case of the child peeing outside, or changing his clothes, or even just taking his pants off.

He has pulled down his pants and shown my boys his penis, and has asked my boys to show him their penises.

He asked my 4 year old to touch his penis, but when my 6 year old said "eeew, thats gross, I'm gonna tell my mom that you want us to touch you there" he showed fear and told them not to tell.

So yes, I'm concerned. Yes, I truly believe that this goes beyond the realm of normal childhood exploration. This child does know better.

Hell, my boys pee outside in the backyard and have at times run outside naked before I could wrangle them back in. But they do NOT pull down their pants for the express purpose of showing someone their penis, nor do they ask someone to show them their privates, nor to they ask someone to touch theirs!!!


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

My boys never did this so yes to me this wouldn't be something i thought was normal behaviour in children. I am not saying it is wrong just not something i would be comfortable with, expecially if my daughter was playing outside too.
I think i would be more concerned that this child is out alone and exposing himself there are some sick people out there.








jmho
to the lady that posted this, you shouldn't leave because of this, you did what you thought was right and you made it clear you were thinking of this boy.


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

And to the person who said that his teacher should not have been included in a personal situation, I did not ask his teacher to speak to him directly.

I asked that she have a discussion reminding the children of what they learned several weeks ago during personal safety week. (where they had a professional come and talk about private parts and good touch/bad touch) and just remind the children that private parts need to be kept private, even when to their good friends. I wanted him to get the message from a figure of authority, but not in a way that would make him embarressed or feel singled out. The teacher thanked me profusely and said that it was an excellent way to handle it.


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

WOW! now if no one sees this as a problem then i just don't no what to say!!!!

this is very important that this is addressed.. Who no's maybe that little boy is being exposed to something that he shouldn't be. What a tough situation you are in.

My son goes to a private Catholic School and there was an innocent that took place on the playground where a boy grab another little boys penis and i guess this was a reoccuring thing. So the parents finally contacted CPS and they took care of it because the school kept blowing it off as " a curious child" PLEASE!!!!!

Thank you Marie for clearing that up!


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gitti*
What a sad post. My three kids ran around naked all summer long till THEY felt uncomfortable doing it.
Both girls around age 3 but my son was at least 4.

My grandson ran naked till he was 7. Suddenly he had to wear swimming trunks, so that was it. But he still is not shy about coming out of the shower naked and strutting around the house. He is 8 now. And he will do that until he doesn't feel comfortable. When he has an overnight guest, he turns quite shy. No nudity then!

We were in Europe last year and in a local swimming hole, boys 8-9 years old saw nothing wrong with taking off their wet swimming trunks and putting on dry ones. Those kids just go and do it. I have to say the girls are a little more reserved.

Your son has to come and tell you immediately? How sad! I bet he will learn to be embarrassed of his natural body parts. How very sad!!

is it sad? Because your family is more open to nudity than someone else's they are in the wrong? I am sorry but i would want my child to tell me if any male or female showed them their private parts. My children see me nude i see them we don't hide in shame but they do not stand on someone's property and ask them to look at their penis or to touch it. We must be a sad family than. oh well moving on.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

*


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dlcmama*
WOW! now if no one sees this as a problem then i just don't no what to say!!!!

this is very important that this is addressed.. Who no's maybe that little boy is being exposed to something that he shouldn't be. What a tough situation you are in.

My son goes to a private Catholic School and there was an innocent that took place on the playground where a boy grab another little boys penis and i guess this was a reoccuring thing. So the parents finally contacted CPS and they took care of it because the school kept blowing it off as " a curious child" PLEASE!!!!!

Thank you Marie for clearing that up!

I think it is very possible that he has been exposed to some adult activity because for a long while his teenage uncle and girlfriend and their baby stayed in the house, and his other teen uncle seems to have overnight visits with his girlfriend. At least, I've seen her leaving early in the morning. And teens often do not have the mind to keep their...ummm... affection private in the presence of a child. All this is purely speculation on my part, but it's possible. But his grandparents are strict, to say the least, and I don't believe it would be handled with compassion and understanding. I don't believe his teacher (who knows the grandparents) does either, as she was very relieved and happy that I came to her to talk to him, instead of going to the grandparents. Some people will under react (ie. it's normal! you're a prude for being concerned) and some will over react (I'm gonna beat his butt! he should be ashamed of himself!) and I truly believe they will over-over react. This needs to be handled with compassion, understanding, and firmly, but not shamefully or harshly. And as just the lady next door who doesn't even know the grandparents first names, I don't know my role in this.


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

I totally understand, your in a hard situation.

I don't no maybe the next time you see this going on maybe you can perhaps address it with him and tell him that's not exceptable. kwim. I just don't no.. But hugs to ya!!!!!


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## christymama (Feb 21, 2003)

I have to agree that if this child is exposing himself to others and wanting others to touch it. it is Unacceptable behavior. Kids do what they see.. He may not know its Unacceptable behavior you cant fault the child for that. He could also just be doing this because he is Curious.. I would watch this child.. if it is a Isolated issue then it is prob just the curiosity .. if it is a Continues issue there may be a deeper situation here.. I do have a question though.. where are the parents?


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

Christy i totally agree!! although with my what 15 posts i guess it doesn't matter...


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *christymama*
I have to agree that if this child is exposing himself to others and wanting others to touch it. it is Unacceptable behavior. Kids do what they see.. He may not know its Unacceptable behavior you cant fault the child for that. He could also just be doing this because he is Curious.. I would watch this child.. if it is a Isolated issue then it is prob just the curiosity .. if it is a Continues issue there may be a deeper situation here.. I do have a question though.. where are the parents?

And as I said before (despite what earlier posters said) I am neither villianizing nor faulting him for this. But this needs to stop, and it needs to stop right now. But he knows that he's not suposed to be doing this. What can I do short of not allowing my boys to play with him, and I do not want to do that, because I have no other complaints about him... he's a very sweet boy, a real delight to be around, but this needs to stop. But I do not believe that the grandparents would take kindly to even mentioning it to him, as I walk on eggshells already... they are really strict and unpredictable people!


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## christymama (Feb 21, 2003)

Marie I would say you play a much bigger role then just the next door neighbor in this because it is now involving your own children. I would maybe talk to the grandparents. I can see where this is a Sensetive situation for you but you are a good mama and you have to protect your own children.


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

Thank you Marie, that was very sweet of you

I guess if I was in your position, i would just really try to keep your eye open when your children are around him.. there really isn't much more you can do.. ya no.


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## christymama (Feb 21, 2003)

its a tough spot.. Do you talk to the grandparents and risk drama from them .. or do you not the children play together. which at this age kids dont understand why they cant play with so and so.. This is a hard one mama. I wish I could help you out more.


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## scatterbrainedmom (May 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MPJJJ*
Coming back because someone PMed me and asked me to explain further.

This is not a simple case of the child peeing outside, or changing his clothes, or even just taking his pants off.

He has pulled down his pants and shown my boys his penis, and has asked my boys to show him their penises.

He asked my 4 year old to touch his penis, but when my 6 year old said "eeew, thats gross, I'm gonna tell my mom that you want us to touch you there" he showed fear and told them not to tell.

So yes, I'm concerned. Yes, I truly believe that this goes beyond the realm of normal childhood exploration. This child does know better.

Hell, my boys pee outside in the backyard and have at times run outside naked before I could wrangle them back in. But they do NOT pull down their pants for the express purpose of showing someone their penis, nor do they ask someone to show them their privates, nor to they ask someone to touch theirs!!!

THIS shines a whole new light on the situation. I wish you had elaborated more in you op to include this.

I would be worried, but I also agree with a pp about natural curiosity in all the things a penis can do (ie retract, erect). But at 5 (?) they should have already been taught that that is something to do in the privacy of home or bedroom NOT with other children.

My son is 5 and when he was 4 asked to see his cousins penis and touched it and then showed him his. yes I was worried about it and we spoke at length about it being private and no one is to touch it but him (something we have told him since he was 1..yet it STILL HAPPENED). he has never had the opportunity to have someone molest him.

Soooooooooo...i think before we all jump on the bandwagon that he was molested or something that we don't know what is going on and the op needs to take this up with the grandparents. I would be pretty pissed off if it was my grandchild and no one told me what was going on. that instead they went to a public board and speculated about sinister goings on at my house.


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## christymama (Feb 21, 2003)

Oh I am not saying this child was Molested by any means. I was just saying that this child could of seen this somewhere. Whether it be on tv, movies, or parents, grandparents. or anyone in general.. Op did state this child rarely is Supervised. So one can only imagine where this child has been and Seen.


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## MPJJJ (Oct 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *scatterbrainedmom*
THIS shines a whole new light on the situation. I wish you had elaborated more in you op to include this.

I would be worried, but I also agree with a pp about natural curiosity in all the things a penis can do (ie retract, erect). But at 5 (?) they should have already been taught that that is something to do in the privacy of home or bedroom NOT with other children.

My son is 5 and when he was 4 asked to see his cousins penis and touched it and then showed him his. yes I was worried about it and we spoke at length about it being private and no one is to touch it but him (something we have told him since he was 1..yet it STILL HAPPENED). he has never had the opportunity to have someone molest him.

Soooooooooo...i think before we all jump on the bandwagon that he was molested or something that we don't know what is going on and the op needs to take this up with the grandparents. I would be pretty pissed off if it was my grandchild and no one told me what was going on. that instead they went to a public board and speculated about sinister goings on at my house.

Yes, but you're forgetting that not all parents think like you!

Do you think that I want this child shamed? He could be scarred for life if this is handled wrong! What if he is spanked? What if he is told that he is shameful, or any other hurtful things that people often say when they are confronted with something beyond their comfort level? What do I do when I believe that confronting the child's grandparents is NOT in the best interest of the child?


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## christymama (Feb 21, 2003)

Quote:

I would be pretty pissed off if it was my grandchild and no one told me what was going on. that instead they went to a public board and speculated about sinister goings on at my house.
I think the Op was just looking for advice on how to handle the situation and not pointing fingers


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *christymama*
I have to agree that if this child is exposing himself to others and wanting others to touch it. it is Unacceptable behavior. Kids do what they see..

That's not true in all cases. Did nobody here ever play dr with their friends? I grew up in a TV free home and my parents were in a loveless (but very polite) no touch marriage. There was no abuse and no chance seeing of adult contact and yet my friends and I still managed to figure out playing dr and "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." It is normal and it was happening when we were all 6-7.

I would just talk with the grandparents about it being a funny and very normal thing at that age (curiosity and all) and offer to pass on some of the books on bodies and what they do that I have kicking around the house that they could offer their grandson if he's interested in bodies right now, adding how much my son liked them because they answered all his questions.


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## christymama (Feb 21, 2003)

Nicole you are right I cant say that all kids will do what they see,... A lot of children I am sure are just curious as you and your friend were.. While others however do react to what they have seen before.. Not always the case but still nonetheless something to be aware of.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *christymama*
Not always the case but still nonetheless something to be aware of.

Oh, definitely. I would be clear with my kids about what feels OK and what doesn't (trusting their intuition and respecting their bodies) and say something supportive with a nod toward the kid's curiousity to the grandparents and then would keep and eye and ear out just to be safe cause no one can really know what's happening in someone else's life.


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

Nicole that is so very true!


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## christymama (Feb 21, 2003)

Marie I would do something along the lines as a PP stated.. About gently talking to them.. I think a book is a great idea. because depending how open the grandparents are( ages plays a key role alot of times of how open they can be) a book may be easy for them to relate to the child with rather then just sitting down and talking to him.


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

Marie, i would maybe just wait to see if it happens again and in the mean while (which i'm sure you have already) just talk to your children about it and kinda warn them if it happens again that they need to tell you. If it happens again i would confront them about it. Is there anyway in the mean time you can attempt to get to know them so you can at least get a better understanding how they will react if you did tell them?

What to say if you do approch them? Humm well I would just tell the truth, but in a sweet, kind way. (as nice as can be) But i really would wait and kinda keep your eye open to see if it does happen again. Good Luck! Keep us posted...


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## SCC703 (Apr 23, 2006)

I truly think that this thread has been taken way out of control. There are tons and tons of reasons why this is just "normal behavior" and tons why it's not. Everyone handles these situations differently. My only opinion is this: It is NOT your decision how his grandparents handle these actions. But if you were the "legal guardian" of this child then you would definitely want to know when your child was doing something out of line. So if you can't get over what happened then you really do need to tell his grandparents and let them teach him right from wrong. Like someone said earlier...Growing up with grandparents is tough and not to mention the fact that their generation was much different then now. And who knows, maybe this child has never been exposed to all the crazy things we may think he has, and just needs to be told that was he is doing is wrong. So LET his grandparents tell him, and stop jumping to conclusions. I bet they would really love to know what goes on for the sake of him and your children. You would want them to tell you if the tables were turned.


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## dlcmama (Apr 9, 2006)

very well said! a very good way of looking at it.. Thank you


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## lilsishomemade (Feb 12, 2005)

Well, your first post really made it sound like all he did was pull down his pants and say, "Look!" like boys even in high school (and older) do. THAT isn't abnormal in my eyes. My six yr old brother still has no problem running around nude, and neither does my 7 yr old stepson.

However, touching, etc is not. But, I don't know what you're looking for? Really, all I see you can do is talk to your own children about privacy, and either talk to the boy's grandparents or not. If you're not wanting to talk to them, and not wanting to talk to the boy, then what's left?


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Have a talk with the boy. If you are worried about it being handled the wrong way by the grandparents then handle the situation yourself. You would not be out of line discussing the issue with the boy because it is something that happened in your presence and involves your son. Your only options are to talk to the boy or his grandparents.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

it would bother me but the simple solution, would be to tell J you saw this and that he may not do it any longer. firm but not empotional or judgmental. It is age appropriate but so is being taught it is nappropriate to continue. and then suppervise thier play together. four year olds do all kinds of silly things together, this isjust one of them. I always closely supervise playdates, then when things come up it is easy to say "our family doesn't approve of that sortt of behavior. . . here is what our family thinks. . . when you are at out house you need to follow these rules".


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

I just want to say here that I completely agree with dynamicdoula on this topic. I think her posts are very well thought-out right on target, IMHO. That said, this is my *aim* in parenting my son around these sorts of issues. I realize that I have some of my own personal, sexual issues, so not shaming (which was done to me) is a huge struggle. My son is 4, and likes his behind and penis. And occasionally he wants to pee outside or something. And I remind him that his penis is for him to touch, so is his behind. And to put the darn thing away, for heaven's sake!


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

With not talking to the grandparents you are not letting them know there is an issue.

This is a normal undesirable childhood behavior. He could be doing it "repeatably" for attention. He has found something that makes him the center of it. If he is being raised by his grandparents he could have some emotional issues that can make it harder to get through a normal childhood phase.

I like how others say to calmly deal with it.

I think it is good that you are worried about this boy and not wanting to shame him but help him get through this phase. Close suppervission helps cut this off. Like you would watch a toddler close to prevent bitting or hitting.


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