# Have you ever totally "lost it" in front of your kids?



## QueeTheBean (Aug 6, 2002)

Or do I need to check myself into the mental institution? Seriously.

I have had a few occasions--two some to mind with DS#1 where I have yelled and with two more DS#2 where I have yelled & probably . . . how do I describe it . . . grasped his arm a little tighter than I should have. I normally am not a yeller--and most certainly not a physical punisher. Gentle discipline isn't even difficult for me. It was the way I was raised & I know no other way. I have great kids & most of the time am fine with the pressure of it all.

But some days . . . like yesterday, I had just had it. The little one fought going down for his nap & then called me to say he needed a new shirt, a different toy, another new shirt . . . on and on and on. It is my only break of the day & I was VERY edgy. I know it was a power struggle thing, and my goodness, he's only 2 and I am a grown woman, but I just blew up & ended up being a horrible wretch to him & . . . I don't even want to think about it. I sat him & my 5 year old in front of a Pooh movie & calmed down & called my DH. Anyway, DS#2 was clingy the whole rest of the day & I felt pretty bad--but honestly, still annoyed, though I am loathe to admit that.

So, what I am trying to say is----is this outside the bounds of good parenting? I never ever remember my mother or father even so much as raising their voice to us.

And, be honest--I am not looking for sympathy--I want straight answers, please. I feel like a total shit mother.


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## Eggie (Aug 7, 2003)

Even if you don't want sympathy, you have mine







. I'm glad you are aware of your temper and how it could affect your kids. Maybe you can take some therapy to analize how can you moderate it, also meditation always works. There are some "pet peeves" for all that make us loose our mind a little and some of them are so deep inside that we are not aware of them, so maybe trying to find them and confronting them should be helpful.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Mental institution? Heck no! You are certainly not the first to lose it in front of your kids. I've done it, everyone I know has done it, and I'll probably do it again, though I don't want to. Those moments like the one you described would drive a saint to distraction. And combined with the fact that it was during your only break of the day? Conditons like those are ripest for losing it. Don't beat yourself up about it. Think of it as an opportunity to model how a person apologizes after getting too riled up.

Edited to add: Maybe what you did was outside the bounds of the impossible-to-achieve standards of "good parenting" promulgated by some folks. But it was well within the bounds of being human. It would be nice if we could all maintain the calm of a Zen Master in our every interaction with our children, but anyone who's honest about being a parent knows how unrealistic that is. Your kids are not going to suffer from seeing you lose it occasionally. And you do NOT need therapy! You sound like a fine parent to me.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I tended to loose it more often with my first. I'm much calmer since the 2nd, with both kids.

No -- I don't think you have exceeded the bounds of normal. We all have bad days. People in close intense relationships loose it with each other sometimes. We move on and we heal.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I went off in front of DD several months ago, but it was directed at her father. we were in the car and had a big fight, and i laid into him verbally. she started saying "no, no, no" but I couldn't stop, even though this voice in my head was saying "shut up!". i felt really really horrible about that. i didn't scream or swear and there was nothing physical involved, but still my tone was nasty. i've never done it since (mind you, I don't think DH and I have fought since then, either). i promised myself and dd that i would never do that.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Um, yeah, I've lost it. Between the ages of 1 and 2 were really hard for me with ds for some reason. More than once (maybe 3 or 4 times) I lost it and just started screaming, grabbing his arm too hard, saying things I shouldn't have. I never hit him, or called him names, or anything like that, but screaming stuff like "That's it, I can't take this anymore, I'm so tired of this crap, blah blah blah."

Not proud moments. I always apologized to ds afterwards, but still felt like crap.

I always tend to think that no one else loses it. Like my neighbor - I can't ever picture her yelling at her kids. But with a tough 2.5yo ds and 1yo dd, I've got to imagine that she's not the picture of composure 24/7 either. At least that's what I tell myself!


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## mamaley (Mar 18, 2002)

yes, haven't we all? (please?!) it doesn't happen often, but it does happen once in a while. i am human, and my children are going to witness it now and then. not that it doesn't make me feel awful, and probably make them feel worse.







but, i am normally in a very good place emotionally, and they see that side of me much more.


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## ajsmom (Nov 21, 2001)

You sound like a very lovely parent. If you have a stern or loud moment every once in a while you can use it to teach your children a whole lesson about it!

This happens to me sometimes too and I just tell ds I am sorry. I tell him why I was upset and we go on.

What I tell myself is that ds will forgive me and I must forgive myself too.

One idea I use if I can when I am headed to the dark side: I tell ds that I really need a big long hug from him NOW, quickly! It sort of stops the train we're on and gets the energy used up on something wonderful.

A friend of mine who raised 5 boys told me that when she was at wits end she would get very quiet and start rolling her eyes and get goofier and stranger until her sons BEGGED her to stop by promising to clean their rooms or whatever - this was when they were older than your boys - we don't wanna scare any little ones.


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

I also wanted to add that this is part of our kids seeing us as human.

When I lose it, I apologize to my kids, explain what was going on, and try to move on. I've found that guilt is sometimes worse than the actual deed!

Can you imagine how horrible these kids' parenting expectations would be if we were perfect? They would be destined to fail when they had kids on their own!


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

I'm rather new here and I've been mostly just lurking about, but I just had to respond to you. I have totally lost it in front of my kids many times. I have these ideals I try so hard to meet, but some days being a mom is just so hard and I reach the very end of my rope and although I don't want to lose it, I do. I even went to therapy, where I was told that I am _totally normal_ and that because _being a mom is just sometimes very hard_ almost every mom, because she is merely human, loses it and yells at some point.

Quote:

I also wanted to add that this is part of our kids seeing us as human. When I lose it, I apologize to my kids, explain what was going on, and try to move on
ITA! It's important for kids to see us as human, to see us expressing the full reange of emotions, even if we're not doing it in the best way. When we don't handle things well kids learn that everyone makes mistakes, and it gives us the opportunity afterward to teach them what we did wrong and what a better way to handle it would have been. And by apologizing and discussing it we're also modeling some really good behavior!

We all do our level best, and I have yet to meet a mom who didn't yell once in awhile. Give yourself a break, apologize and let it go. You're a good mom.


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## PM (Nov 19, 2001)

Primal screaming (and I mean loud...my neighbors must think I was crazy). Bawling. Sobbing. Walking my near 4 yo down an airplane aisle and yelling/crying "I don't know what to dooooooo!" I cried for half that flight (it was the 3rd leg of 4 very, very long legs). Yep. I've lost it!


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

I did just last night.







I've lost it a few times since I got pregnant, especially in the second half of the pregnancy... it's just soooo difficult for me to deal with him right now. I feel horrifically guilty about it, because it's not his fault, he's not doing anything to deserve it, I'm just cranky and mean a lot of the time because I'm uncomfortable and hormonal. Even though i feel guilty about it, and i always apologize, I think it's a good thing for Eli to see that every now and then we all lose it.


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## QueeTheBean (Aug 6, 2002)

First of all,







, thanks, everyone. I need to reread everyone's thoughts and let it all sink in. I felt like such a monster to my little guy. I am just so tired sometimes & he is normally the world's eaiest baby, but not that day . . .

And,

Quote:


Originally Posted by *candiland*
Can you imagine how horrible these kids' parenting expectations would be if we were perfect? They would be destined to fail when they had kids on their own!









I guess that is part of it--my dad was gone a lot--(work + school), my mom, with no car of her own, was a SAHM to 5 of us--all 1 year apart. I never remember her "losing it" with us. She is so calm and patient, even now. SUch a truly good person--if she could do it under HER circumstances, why can't I do it under mine? And my DH is great--he helps a ton, whereas my own Da never so much as changed a dipe (but he's a good guy, too!)


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## irishgreengables (May 25, 2002)

FWIW -- I have a very healthy adult friend who saw her mom lose it once -- when my friend and all siblings were already adults and the family had experienced their 3rd death in a year. My friend's comment was that, since she had never seen her mom "lose" it EVER, it was really scary and that she wished her mom had modelled for her more appropriate ways to "lose it" when she was younger....like maybe hearing an apology afterwards, etc. SHe said she never felt permission to "lose it" herself until seeing her mom do so once she was already an adult. This isn't to advocate "losing it" -- just to express that our children can also learn from HOW we lose it and how we handle it afterwards.

Peace,


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## ajsmom (Nov 21, 2001)

this morning ds was saying stupid and shut up almost exclusively! I have explained it all many times, blue in the face times, he says he won't say it again and then he does...

He finally called Squirrel Nutkin silly and horrid and I rejoiced that he didn't say stupid again!









This could have been a losing it kind of day but thanks to your OP and everyone's replies I seem to be just getting through it fine.

Now if I could just explain to this 3 year old what the elements on the periodic table placemat(like hydrogen) are made of my day will be complete....maybe let dh, the biologist tackle that at dinner.


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Yes, nothing ever physical, but I have lost it. Yelling, not necessarily even at him, but just ABOUT being frustrated or angry. Hasn't happened that often, but it's happened.

In fact, just last week, I lost it. But this involved losing it and crying uncontrollably. Mostly crying. DS was very upset over me crying. But I just couldn't take DS's behavior one more minute and he just wasn't listening AT ALL. Nothing. So, I had an overwhelming urge to just CRY. DS started crying, too, and I immediately held him and told him all about my feelings of frustration and how it had been a long day for both of us.

So, does that constitue a mental institution visit? Nahh. I try very hard to always be honest. If I'm getting upset, I tell DS. I don't try to hide it. OF course, I don't let loose, but I don't want to be passive aggressive, either. I almost think that's worse than just giving over to our feelings of frustration with our kids.

Hugs to you.


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