# Oldest DD out of control



## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

I can't stand her behavior. I dread her coming home from school, I dread the weekends. I ask her to do things and she tells me no. I don't know what to do with her. I have tried "connected parenting" workshops but the info all seems related to younger kids. Not out of control teenagers.

I took her cell phone and now she is tearing my house apart. I don't WANT to do nice things for her cause everytime I do she just craps in my face. She demands I do things for her. I just need to vent. Venting to DH just makes him a harda$$ and makes things worse.







:


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

I'm sorry!







I had some problems with depression and just general teenage-angst off and on from 13-17. Fortunately, I grew out of it. I'm sure your dd will as well. I have no idea how my parents put up with my crap, but they did. They loved me. I'm sure it was crazy difficult for them. I certainly worry about parenting during the teenage years.


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids.../dp/037550821X

Hold on to your Kids is a fantastic book for the older child.


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

Oh mama I can soooo relate!
Has your DD started cussing, skipping or screwing around with her curfew or anything like that or is she just being unbearable emotionally?


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

So often issues with teens arise from a huge schism in temperament between parent and child. When two people's styles are radically different, this can lead to serious problems in communication and harmony. One of the hardest things for us as moms is to adjust our parenting to accomodate our teens' new developmental tasks. Teens need freedom within limits that respects both their changing needs, and our own limits regarding what we are willing to do. I HIGHLY recommend Parent Effective Training-Teens. It's a wonderful, life affirming and fair guide for parents of teens. There are terrific guidelines to identify who owns the problem and who is responsible for taking action.
My personal experience is that when I started to look at MY behavior, I realized that I was contributing to the problem in a BIG way. This is not to flame you or criticize- one of my kids can be VERY trying and provocative- but when we acknowledge OUR part in the relationship, we can take action. Since we CANNOT control our teens, (attempts at controlling result in rebellion and/or people pleasing) we must instead look to what we CAN do- behave in such a way that removes us from the power struggle while maintaining our own self respect and dignity. This models behavior to our teens that can help them to develop an internal locus of control. When we berate, criticise and yell, our teens are simply not going to listen, and in fact often reject our input and go to extremes to "prove" we are wrong, sometimes with tragic consequences.
You are NOT alone. Teens can be trying. But with a little effort on our part, huge improvement can be seen. Try to remember how you felt as a teen. Were you a rebel? A people pleaser? What do you wish your parents had done different? If you are parenting differently form them, are you resentful that your teen is not appreciative? Sometimes stepping back and taking a non-judgemental look at these issues is enormously helpful. When we own our own power, quietly and without being demanding, often we find our teens become much more comfortable too. When we can congruently let go of the responsiblities that belong to them, we have a lot more energy to take responsibility for what belongs to us. Hang in there! It does get better. It was SO hard for me to admit my part in things because my son was SUCH a jerk at times. And I'm not saying changing my behavior suddenly turned him into an angel. But when I began acting instead of reacting, and quietly taking back my power, he no longer had that remote control for my emotions. WOW what a relief. And isn't the real reason you are mad at her is because you want what is best for her and for her to be happy? Bottom line? Of course it is. It's just hard because teens can seem like they want EXACTLY the opposite. But they don't- they really do want to belong in a positive way and to contribute. I love what Haim Ginnot said- " If we want to raise a mensch, we must use menschy ways" LOL!
laoxinat


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *<~*MamaRose*~>* 







Oh mama I can soooo relate!
Has your DD started cussing, skipping or screwing around with her curfew or anything like that or is she just being unbearable emotionally?

Yes she is cussing. All the time. I was just informed she had to email her friends and tell them to call the house because, "My mom is a bitch and took my phone." I realize she is just trying to piss me off. But I am tired of her refusing to do her part around the house and then YELLING at me because the house is a mess.

laoxinat do you know where I can find a copy of that book? Thanks.


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## manitobamama (Jan 1, 2007)

I'm here with ya mama, skipping, swearing, 'running' away, police involvement. I'm at the end of my rope here and mine's not much different in age than yours! She is fighting any authority and all of the rules! I'm looking for help any where I can, school counsellor, principal and our local treatment centre. She says she would rather like in the treatment center than here. I am ready to homeschool her and keep her under lock and key until she can be trusted but I'm not sure if that is the answer either.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

My daughter (who is now 16) was very difficult to live with a few years ago. (That would have made her the same age as your daughter is now, since mine was born in 1991.) Her body was changing, and she was going through all kinds of intense emotional turmoil. She has gotten much, much more pleasant and easier to deal with in the last 6 months. Hang in there, and I think things will get better!


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SusanElizabeth* 
My daughter (who is now 16) was very difficult to live with a few years ago. (That would have made her the same age as your daughter is now, since mine was born in 1991.) Her body was changing, and she was going through all kinds of intense emotional turmoil. She has gotten much, much more pleasant and easier to deal with in the last 6 months. Hang in there, and I think things will get better!

Well she did thank DH for going to get her something at KFC last night when everyone else had pizza. That at least is a start! But I feel bad letting her stay the night at my mom's so that "I" can have a peaceful day with the little ones today. (her school doesn't have school on Fridays.) Apparently she doesn't act like this at my moms.









Thanks for the support. Here is hoping it is something she grows out of soon!


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

I have been reading a book on adolecent girls Reviving Opelia. This is a common theme in the book with girls. The author, a therapist, recommends to these girls over and over...Create personal goals, think for yourself. Maybe you can find a way to encourage her to work toward a goal...whatever it is! Be supportive but not involved.


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## Naturalyst (Feb 3, 2007)

Hold strong mama. Stay steady and predictable. I appreciate it isn't easy.

As hard as it is (and, God knows teenage years are the worst), choose your actions and don't react to all the prodding she's doing. Let there be predictable, non-negotiable consequences for the disrespectful behavior. Don't ignore it. One of the hardest lessons to teach is that respect for people must remain even when there is disagreement or upset.

The teenage years lend understanding to why some animals eat their young.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Naturalyst* 
Hold strong mama. Stay steady and predictable. I appreciate it isn't easy.

As hard as it is (and, God knows teenage years are the worst), choose your actions and don't react to all the prodding she's doing. Let there be predictable, non-negotiable consequences for the disrespectful behavior. Don't ignore it. One of the hardest lessons to teach is that respect for people must remain even when there is disagreement or upset.

The teenage years lend understanding to why some animals eat their young.









Yes, but when you try to enact the consequences she refuses to go to her room/give me her phone/clean the kitchen if I take away a privilege she goes ballistic and tears pictures off the wall.. takes the cushions off chairs and couches and throws them in other rooms, dumps clothes baskets.. and so on. Right now she is staying the night at my mom's for the 2nd night because it is easier for me and everyone else. I did tell her however that tomorrow she is coming home and Sunday everyone is cleaning the house. She informed me she is living with my mom Thurs.- Sun. and only coming home on Sunday night. I said no.. and she just make a screw you ya wanna bet face at me.

Sigh. As for some animals eating their young, when they are babies is the easiest time I think!


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

What happens at your mom's house that makes your DD behave better there? Ask your mom and your DD why it works there.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Because it is too noisey at my house. And it is. The 8 year old is constantly making the three year old scream. The baby cries.. and DH if he is watching TV Just ignores them and turns up the TV so he can hear it over them.







:

However Wed. night she yelled at the 8 year old for yelling and she wasn't even yelling. I commented to DH that maybe we should have her hearing checked to see if it is over sensitive or something, (this girl can hear a pin drop, if you don't want her to hear what you are talking about you need to leave the house!) and she threw a fit! Said that she would rather have good hearing than bad hearing and she was not a freak and we weren';t getting her tested,.

She is also POed that I suspect that DD2 has ADD (NOT ADHD) and I am "not doing anything about it and just letting her run around being a freak." By that she means, "Why don't you get her Ritilan like all the normal kids with her problem." Sigh..

Also my mom doesn't make her do any chores and she can generally just sit on her butt and do whatever she wants.


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## Mama Dragon (Dec 5, 2005)

Gotcha. I'll suggest telling her to lay off medicating your 8 year old until she's willing to get herself checked out. Not helpful in the long run, but that just stood out to get her off that subject. Is she interested in anything creative that could be an outlet for her anger? Drawing, writing, anything?


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## ^guest^ (Jul 2, 2005)

Is she a highly sensitive kid? Maybe the excessive noise is shorting out her ability to cope with normal day-to-day family stuff, and that's why she likes going to your moms? So she can regroup in quiet? She sounds like me when I was a teenager. The noise from school, being around so many people, everything was just too much for me, and if I didn't have some space and time to collect myself in solitude, I got MEAN. I mean destructive vicious. I'm still like that, but I know myself better and know when I need down time and how to limit my exposure to stimulus that I know is taxing on my nerves.


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## mamefati28 (Jun 25, 2007)

I think she is depressed and maybe not feeling like she is getting enough love or attention, which is hard because she also dosent know how to accept it. These years are hard, the body changes are so heavy to deal with.
I went through the exact same stuff and I think the only thing you can do is be extremely patient, positive, praise her, show her that she is an important contributing member of the family, etc.
I know its easy to say and I hope she can find her happiness. Get her involved in some positive activities, I think it would help her in the long run.
Good luck momma and a big hug to.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

aniT ~ Hugs to you. I know how awful it is to live with someone who behaves that way. I went through it with my ds. He has always been a challenging person but 13-14 were the worst. FWIW, as he matured he has slowly gotten better. I tell people that he started to resemble a rational person again around 15.







Now that he's 16 1/2 he is much more pleasant. I've been able to witness him start to get angry and fall back into that behavior and then catch himself. It's really cool to see.

I don't know that I have any good advice or suggestions other than to just get through it. Don't take the things she says and does personally. Don't feed into her extreme emotions by responding with your own. I saw first hand how this made a difference. I was able to stay calm and not react to most things my ds did and just let him diffuse himself. My dh would get angry and try to argue and rationalize and that inevitably made the situation worse. Try counseling for your entire family. If she won't go, go yourself. I started going to a therapist and eventually got my ds to go. We both went individually. It really helped a lot. I've found counselors who use Cognitive Behavior Modification (I think that's what it's called) to be the most helpful. They focus on actions you can take now to make the situation better rather than just sitting around complaining about it, iykwim. Of course, you can't allow her to intimidate or abuse yourself or your other children. If she is really out of control to where you are afraid for others' safety, you may need to call in some professional help. A counselor can help you determine if and when this is necessary. It's unfortunate that your dh just ignores the situation. Maybe if he would try to engage rather than ignore things would get better. Part of her extreme behavior may be an attempt to get his attention.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
I can't stand her behavior. I dread her coming home from school, I dread the weekends. I ask her to do things and she tells me no. I don't know what to do with her. I have tried "connected parenting" workshops but the info all seems related to younger kids. Not out of control teenagers.

I took her cell phone and now she is tearing my house apart. I don't WANT to do nice things for her cause everytime I do she just craps in my face. She demands I do things for her. I just need to vent. Venting to DH just makes him a harda$$ and makes things worse.







:


Do you live at my house? This is us. DD isnt a bad kid by any means but she is unappreciative and terribly lazy. A horse could take a shat in my living room and she would walk over it instead of clean it up. I try to do the right things to make her not be so rotten and more helpful and dh just wants to be a dictator, how he thinks that will make it better is beyond me. I totally understand mama.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
Because it is too noisey at my house. And it is. The 8 year old is constantly making the three year old scream. The baby cries.. and DH if he is watching TV Just ignores them and turns up the TV so he can hear it over them.







:

However Wed. night she yelled at the 8 year old for yelling and she wasn't even yelling. I commented to DH that maybe we should have her hearing checked to see if it is over sensitive or something, (this girl can hear a pin drop, if you don't want her to hear what you are talking about you need to leave the house!) and she threw a fit! Said that she would rather have good hearing than bad hearing and she was not a freak and we weren';t getting her tested,.

She is also POed that I suspect that DD2 has ADD (NOT ADHD) and I am "not doing anything about it and just letting her run around being a freak." By that she means, "Why don't you get her Ritilan like all the normal kids with her problem." Sigh..

Also my mom doesn't make her do any chores and she can generally just sit on her butt and do whatever she wants.


Ok this hits closer to home more and more, first your name is Tina, so is mine, my kids were born 91,98, and 04... the 8 year old always beats up on and fights with the 3 year old, the 16 year old is always yelling at them, but she isnt yelling @@, I swear we have the same life.

My dd1 (the 8 year old) has PDD, ODD and ADHD and we do not medicate either. The 3 year old mimics his brother in every way, so its like having two kids with these issues. So our house, like yours, is loud, crazy, and just chaos most times.

My dd has a boyfriend who comes over and he cannot get over how loud and crazy it is here. She is always yelling at me, at him, at everyone. The boys are always yelling and fighting.....

mama you wanna go get some wine with me?


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamama* 
I have been reading a book on adolecent girls Reviving Opelia. This is a common theme in the book with girls. The author, a therapist, recommends to these girls over and over...Create personal goals, think for yourself. Maybe you can find a way to encourage her to work toward a goal...whatever it is! Be supportive but not involved.


I think this is my daughters biggest problem, she has no goals. None. She is just worried about that damn boyfriend of hers.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers* 
I think this is my daughters biggest problem, she has no goals. None. She is just worried about that damn boyfriend of hers.

Maybe she has goals around her "damn" boyfriend. Engage with her on that topic (without insulting the boyfriend) and you might make some progress.

My ds' gf's parents have taken a stance about my ds that has backfired for them, although I don't think they realize it. First, her dad wouldn't even speak to my ds and would only give him mean, dirty looks. Never once has he had a conversation with him but he's already made negative judgements about him. Her mother has had very intelligent, her comment, conversations with my ds but has decided not to like him, anyway. Not sure why. I only know what the kids say the reason is. So, they have tried their best to discourage their dd from "dating" my ds, which mostly only amounts to chatting on myspace and talking on the phone since they don't even go to the same school. After the last time my ds went to her house and her parents told her they don't like my ds and don't want her to see him anymore, she professed her undying love to my ds and said she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. She's 15, btw. She did not express those thoughts or feelings before her parents tried to discourage her from continuing her relationship with him.


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## minnowmomma (Oct 7, 2003)

My oldest dd is 15







: i can totally relate. I love her with all my heart but there have been times in the last few years that i just didn't like her. She got to the point that i had to sent her to live with her father cause i just knew that if i didn't she might not live to be an adult.







I thank the Lord that i had that option for my own sanity and our future relationship.Her dad is much tougher on her than i am and now that we don't live together she appreciates me more. When she comes to see me i don't even have to tell her to get her dirty panties off the floor and into the hamper.







I found that she is the kind of person that needs to have all her time occupied or trouble tends to find her.Maybe your dd needs something to focus her energy on something besides her boyfriend.She might also benefit from a girls night out with you. She is at the age where you have to actively seek her imput and let her know that at this point you have finished raising her,that it is time for her to use her good judgement to make decisions and if they are not good decisions she will have to face the consequences.I have found with my own dd that a lot of her behavior was because she felt that she was not in control of her own destiny and giving her more control by letting her make decisions helped her to understand that i didn't get my kicks off of bossing her around.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers* 
My dd1 (the 8 year old) has PDD, ODD and ADHD and we do not medicate either. The 3 year old mimics his brother in every way, so its like having two kids with these issues. So our house, like yours, is loud, crazy, and just chaos most times.

What exactly is PDD, and ODD? I also believe DD2 and DH have sensory disorders. Either that are they OCD or something. DD wont wear buttons. Never has. Since before she could talk she would scream when I put certain clothes on her.. it wasn't until she could talk that I figured out why. Then there were clothes with certain colars she wouldn't wear. Now she is following in DH's foot steps and wont touch silverware with patterns on them. Cause you know, they are gross. DH as I said wont touch silverware, jewelry of any kind, dumps change as soon as he can cause it is gross, and other peoples glasses.







: Oh how they drive me crazy!

As for goals.. DD1 wants to be some type of doctor. DH made a comment that she needs to work hard to get a scolarship as we have no money for college and she yelled at him and told him he better come up with the money. Sigh. She feels that the other kids are taking away things that she should have because if we didn't have them we would have more money.







Oh and DD wanted to join sports but we moved to the new school too late in the seasons, and she did sign up for volleyball at the old school but no one ever contacted us about it.

Oh and for counseling. I called Wed. At $90 a session, wanting to see her once a week, I cannot afford $400 a month!! Besides, I know if my mom had taken me at her age it would have made me hate her more. I would 1. either not have talked to the counselor, or 2. Just made shit up. After her reactions to wanting to get her hearing tested I can only imagine her reaction to counseling. I know everyone always thinks that is such a good idea, but you can't force someone into counseling.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will look into it.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
Maybe she has goals around her "damn" boyfriend. Engage with her on that topic (without insulting the boyfriend) and you might make some progress.

My ds' gf's parents have taken a stance about my ds that has backfired for them, although I don't think they realize it. First, her dad wouldn't even speak to my ds and would only give him mean, dirty looks. Never once has he had a conversation with him but he's already made negative judgements about him. Her mother has had very intelligent, her comment, conversations with my ds but has decided not to like him, anyway. Not sure why. I only know what the kids say the reason is. So, they have tried their best to discourage their dd from "dating" my ds, which mostly only amounts to chatting on myspace and talking on the phone since they don't even go to the same school. After the last time my ds went to her house and her parents told her they don't like my ds and don't want her to see him anymore, she professed her undying love to my ds and said she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. She's 15, btw. She did not express those thoughts or feelings before her parents tried to discourage her from continuing her relationship with him.


Lets clear one thing up ASAP, That DAMN boyfriend, I happen to like but I get frustrated thats her only interest, and has been for 9 months now. He comes over, he eats in our home, we enjoy his company, they go places together, We HAVE NEVER made him feel unwelcome in this home, but I get frustrated that she lacks other interst other then him.

Out of all the parents involved here, Myself and his father are their biggest advocates, DH would rather him go away and if they are together they must bein my home at all times for his own fears, Second the stepmother of the Damn boyfriend, isnt helpful at all, she does no carpooling, no encouragment nothing, I do it all. His dad, well a nice guy who means well, works a weird shift so all the burden of carpooling lays on me.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

aniT said:


> What exactly is PDD, and ODD? I also believe DD2 and DH have sensory disorders. Either that are they OCD or something. DD wont wear buttons. Never has. Since before she could talk she would scream when I put certain clothes on her.. it wasn't until she could talk that I figured out why. Then there were clothes with certain colars she wouldn't wear. Now she is following in DH's foot steps and wont touch silverware with patterns on them. Cause you know, they are gross. DH as I said wont touch silverware, jewelry of any kind, dumps change as soon as he can cause it is gross, and other peoples glasses.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I don't have anything to add other than I think you're doing an amazing thing by stepping back to look at the situation. Sometimes that can be the hardest thing to do when you're in the thick of it.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Tina ~ I did not intend to insult you or pass judgement. A lot of what I said was sort of tongue in cheek. It's difficult to get the feeling behind words across on the internet without posting an entire book. I just said what I said because I've btdt and can relate.







What I've learned is that if I engage my ds on things he's really into regardless of whether or not I think they are worthwhile he is much more likely to listen to my opinions.

aniT ~ My oldest ds has been diagnosed with ADHD. It's been mentioned many times that he possibly has ODD, oppositional difiance disorder, and SID, sensory integration disorder, which I'm pretty sure he does have. My middle ds was recently referred to occupational therapy for possible SID, which I don't think he has based on my experience with my older ds. I posted about it on several boards including the Special Needs board. That stinks about the counseling. There's no way you could get insurance to cover it or find a place that has a sliding fee scale? You don't need to take your dd. Go on your own. Maybe she will follow. Even if she doesn't follow, you can get help for everyone just by going by yourself.

[QUOTEminnowmomma]She is at the age where you have to actively seek her imput and let her know that at this point you have finished raising her,that it is time for her to use her good judgement to make decisions and if they are not good decisions she will have to face the consequences.I have found with my own dd that a lot of her behavior was because she felt that she was not in control of her own destiny and giving her more control by letting her make decisions helped her to understand that i didn't get my kicks off of bossing her around.[/QUOTE] (forgot to quote this before my reply so I did my best)

This is a very good point. ITA. It wasn't until I reached this point where I could let go of my ds and let him make his own decisions that he started to make the types of decisions I was comfortable with.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
aniT ~ My oldest ds has been diagnosed with ADHD. It's been mentioned many times that he possibly has ODD, oppositional difiance disorder, and SID, sensory integration disorder, which I'm pretty sure he does have. My middle ds was recently referred to occupational therapy for possible SID, which I don't think he has based on my experience with my older ds. I posted about it on several boards including the Special Needs board. That stinks about the counseling. There's no way you could get insurance to cover it or find a place that has a sliding fee scale? You don't need to take your dd. Go on your own. Maybe she will follow. Even if she doesn't follow, you can get help for everyone just by going by yourself.

We don't have insurance. That in of itself cost $500 a month so we simply don't have it.

We are in the "too much money for help, not enough money to do crap" category. And I was told this councilor offered a sliding fee scale but she sure didn't mention it when I talked to her on the phone.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
Tina ~ I did not intend to insult you or pass judgement. A lot of what I said was sort of tongue in cheek. It's difficult to get the feeling behind words across on the internet without posting an entire book. I just said what I said because I've btdt and can relate.







What I've learned is that if I engage my ds on things he's really into regardless of whether or not I think they are worthwhile he is much more likely to listen to my opinions.

This is a very good point. ITA. It wasn't until I reached this point where I could let go of my ds and let him make his own decisions that he started to make the types of decisions I was comfortable with.

No issue mama hehe... and your right you dont want to push your ideas or choices on them but you still want to protect them in the same breath.


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## rabbitmum (Jan 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
But I feel bad letting her stay the night at my mom's so that "I" can have a peaceful day with the little ones today. (her school doesn't have school on Fridays.) Apparently she doesn't act like this at my moms.









I did that many times with my daughter at that age. Of course it feels awful to want some peace from your own child, but if she likes being with her grandmother and doesn't act the same way with her, then staying with her grandmother could be a valuable social experience and a nice break for her. I think teenagers often need a whole extended family to raise them.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Does anyone else think it is wrong of my not to let my 14 year old go skating with her friends until 10 pm, in the next town over, on a school night? I would also be expected to go get her at 10pm on a school night, in the next town over.

So I never let her do anything with her friends. She seems to forget that last weekend I took her to a football game at her school that is 20 minutes away and let her stay the night at her friends and drove out there the next day to pick her up. But because I wont let her do THIS right NOW I NEVER let her do anything with her friends.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tinas3muskateers* 
you dont want to push your ideas or choices on them but you still want to protect them in the same breath.

It's such a fine line and a very difficult one to walk with someone who's at a point where they think everything you say and do is an attempt to control them.

aniT ~ Ugh! Sorry about the insurance and money issue. That really sucks. I think it's reasonable for you not to take your dd skating on a week night if she has to get up early for school and it's going to inconvenience you a lot. I wouldn't drive my ds much of anywhere because I have 2 little ones that I'd had to get dressed and get in and out of the car every time, not to mention risking having to listen to the baby scream the entire time. I just wouldn't do it. He doesn't get what a pain that is because he doesn't have to do it.

The problem here, as I see it, is that you are letting what she said get to you. She's being overly dramatic just for that reason. She is lashing out at you because she's angry at you and thinks you are being unfair. That's totally normal, typical 14yo behavior. Just let it pass. Don't feed into it by reacting emotionally. Let her scream and yell and slam doors and lock herself in her room. That's not letting her get away with "bad" behavior. It's letting her know that she's not going to get the satisfaction of hurting you from it.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 






























Does anyone else think it is wrong of my not to let my 14 year old go skating with her friends until 10 pm, in the next town over, on a school night? I would also be expected to go get her at 10pm on a school night, in the next town over.

So I never let her do anything with her friends. She seems to forget that last weekend I took her to a football game at her school that is 20 minutes away and let her stay the night at her friends and drove out there the next day to pick her up. But because I wont let her do THIS right NOW I NEVER let her do anything with her friends.

























I have this conversation myself 40000 times lol. Kay has to be at 9 on a school night and honestly she really doesnt go out on the weekends but if she does 10 maybe 11 depending on the circumstances (a school dance or something).

Isnt it funny how quick they forget the stuff we do do for them?


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

Hugs!


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Did you ever find a copy of Hold On To Your Kids? I think it would really help, and it is geared towards older kids and teens...

What is your primary objection to the skating trip - the driving or the lack of sleep? I guess getting to bed at 10:30 doesn't seem that late for a 14 year old to me... my 14 year old stays out late a lot and doesn't always get 8 hours of sleep, but it does even out, and I think that's pretty typical.

As far as driving.... I hate driving, and for a while we lived on a farm and going anywhere meant a 40 minute drive. I was complaining once to a mother of four older kids who had driven from Redding to Davis on a regular basis for years - that's 3 or 4 hours - and she said wistfully that she really missed their long car drives sometimes, because her kids would talk to her in the car about things they'd never talk about at other times. I've noticed that with my daughter, too, on longer trips. So, maybe you can think of it as an opportunity to talk with her, especially if you stay kind of low key and ask open-ended questions about skating... and maybe you can also encourage your daughter to find out if other kids from your town are going to this and create some carpools, too...

dar


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
Did you ever find a copy of Hold On To Your Kids? I think it would really help, and it is geared towards older kids and teens...

What is your primary objection to the skating trip - the driving or the lack of sleep? I guess getting to bed at 10:30 doesn't seem that late for a 14 year old to me... my 14 year old stays out late a lot and doesn't always get 8 hours of sleep, but it does even out, and I think that's pretty typical.

As far as driving.... I hate driving, and for a while we lived on a farm and going anywhere meant a 40 minute drive. I was complaining once to a mother of four older kids who had driven from Redding to Davis on a regular basis for years - that's 3 or 4 hours - and she said wistfully that she really missed their long car drives sometimes, because her kids would talk to her in the car about things they'd never talk about at other times. I've noticed that with my daughter, too, on longer trips. So, maybe you can think of it as an opportunity to talk with her, especially if you stay kind of low key and ask open-ended questions about skating... and maybe you can also encourage your daughter to find out if other kids from your town are going to this and create some carpools, too...

dar

Why on earth would anyone drive from Redding to Davis on a regular basis?

Anyway that is beside the point. The point is.. I wouldn't be able to talk to her about anything in the car with three other screaming kids. And they would be screaming because they would all be tired and past their bedtime. And the 8 year old has to get up early for school as well.

I could leave them with DH... but he gets pissy when I leave the baby while he is asleep. When the baby wakes up at night he only wants to nurse and DH can't help him. And "I" have to get up in the morning as well.

In the end she ended up staying the night at friends house after the trip. I hope she doesn't expect this every weekend though.. Cause when she got home yesterday she was HORRIBLE! She wasn't as bad today.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

maybe not feeling like she is getting enough love or attention, which is hard because she also dosent know how to accept it.

My daughter is also like this. It is hard for her to recive and she gets overwhlemed and starts pushing espeiclaly me away. Last night seh came home after 8 hours of voleyball and thre the soup I made for her on me. I knwo she is burned out with the volleyball and there is only a little over 2 weeks left. I am trying to make sure she gets enought rest-she so needs a break. Tonigaht is the thierd game in a row. This weekend she is going to Mall and a homecoming dance. She needs to do soem other stuff. I am trying to be asa encouraging as possible and not react . Sallie


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## Jennyfur (Jan 30, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smillerhouse* 
My daughter is also like this. It is hard for her to recive and she gets overwhlemed and starts pushing espeiclaly me away. Last night seh came home after 8 hours of voleyball and thre the soup I made for her on me. I knwo she is burned out with the volleyball and there is only a little over 2 weeks left. I am trying to make sure she gets enought rest-she so needs a break. Tonigaht is the thierd game in a row. This weekend she is going to Mall and a homecoming dance. She needs to do soem other stuff. I am trying to be asa encouraging as possible and not react . Sallie

Both my teens are doing soccer and volleyball, so I know what you mean about the constant barrage of games!

She threw soup on you? What did you do/say? I hope she thoroughly and genuinely apologized, or I can't see how/why she would get the privilege of going to the mall and a dance.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
Why on earth would anyone drive from Redding to Davis on a regular basis?

Because there was pretty much nothing for her kids in Redding once they got to be teens... a couple played instruments quite well, and one played tennis quite well and got a scholarship, and I think a couple did swimming-related stuff... and Redding just didn't have opportunities for them to do these things at their level. They wound up moving to Davis when the youngest was 12 or so.

Quote:

I could leave them with DH... but he gets pissy when I leave the baby while he is asleep. When the baby wakes up at night he only wants to nurse and DH can't help him. And "I" have to get up in the morning as well.
I did assume that your husband could care for the other kids for 40 minutes... or he could be the one to drive and pick her up, if that worked better. I don't think of 10:20 as late, but then we're night people, I guess... if you're waking at 5 in the moring or something, I can see how it would be.









dar


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dar* 
I did assume that your husband could care for the other kids for 40 minutes... or he could be the one to drive and pick her up, if that worked better. I don't think of 10:20 as late, but then we're night people, I guess... if you're waking at 5 in the moring or something, I can see how it would be.









dar

Since DD goes to school out of district her and DH both get up and have to leave the house by 6:30. So yea.. they are getting up around 5:30

And I did try to talk to her when I picked her up from school yesterday. She said, (snotty voice) "Excuse me, I am _trying_ to listen to my music."


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I don't bother trying to get my ds to talk anymore. I just wait for him to start. I have noticed, too, that he talks to me, my dh, his grandparents a lot more when in the car.

I was going to suggest, too, that your dh drive your dd. Or, could you leave the older kids at home in bed but take the baby with you? I know it can be difficult driving with a baby, especailly if they are cry a lot in the car, but if your baby generally doesn't mind being in the car or if it would be just about the time he would go to sleep, maybe that would work.

smillerhouse ~ I'm curious, too, about what you did about your dd throwing soup on you? That would be totally unacceptable in my house and would for sure mean some sort of consequence.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Last week I gave DD a $30 check to deposit in her lunch account. Well her schools online paying system is finally working so I logged on to see if I needed to send another check for her or what. She has a balance of $31.50 in her account. She couldn't have had more then $5 in her account when I gave her the check last week and lunch at her school is $2.75 a day.







:

She tells me that she is only going to eat healthy food but she does drink a lot of soda.. she also eats crap like brownies. She is constantly saying she doesn't like anything anyone cooks. I bought her some oatmeal in a cup things for breakfast so she can eat them in the car.,. she doesn't like them. Although DH did say she ate instant oatmeal this morning.

So now I don't know if she is on the verge of an eating disorder or what. On the other hand.. I never ate lunch at school either. BUT I was using my lunch money for more imporant things... like cigarettes. (which I know DD isn't smoking or I would smell it and she yells at grandma for it all the time.) Since I deposit money straight into her account, she can't spend money on other stuff. She has no use for the money BUT to eat.. so what is the deal? Should I be concerned?


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## sunset (Aug 24, 2005)

I was just going to start a thread/rant saying please someone help me with my DD aged 15.

I have no advice but some Mamas have offered up some great pearls of wisdom so I just want to say I am there too in the exact same emotional spot as you, just on another continent.

I was a vile teenager, I was so rude to my Mum, it embarrasses me now and I am 43. What I do know, that I hang on to is I was awful to my Mum cos I thought it was safe to be, I knew she would always be there, so in a perverse way my DD is acting out against me cos she knows I will be there when the crap stops falling.

One a teenager, 3 more coming up behind her LOL.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

My daughter, 14 went to the Mall yeaterday and her and her friends got a t-shirt that says I love girls. It is a way to get attention. We are in a very narrow minded consertavie largely blue collar rural area. It makes me uncomfortable. I really do not like her hanging at the Mall and did not want her to do this. We went shopping first for her dress for the dance and then my son picked hwer freinds up and they hung out at the Mall for about two and a half hours. They took pictures of themselves with the I love girls shirts on. Then she told me this guy came up and said oh I love girls too,let me give you a massage.
becasue like we have talked about with the piercings and the tatoos,there is judgment.
It has been a rough week with my daughter. She has been raging on me. I think a lot of it dealign with the really narrow, Icall it the rual ghetto mentality-very narrow,very closed and when I go to the games of my fuaghter no one wil ltalk to me-this really does not matter to me that much-I am weither proepping for homfeschool or watching my daughter but it idknowing my daughter h as to deal with these really closed mined people without my adovacy and presence and support and she coems back and rages at me. I do try to be freindly to others but frankly dont have that much energy. I am extremly open-most of my values are very different than what I see-it is very control oriented and lower to wanting to be somewaht middle class.(We are upper middle class.) I have been dealing out here for awhile but the hard part is I don't want my daughter to have that much to do with the kids except for sports but she is trying to cope and fit in and it is a disaster. She will not accept it. My son has always had his freinds in the university town next to here (half and hour away). She does have freinds there too but has been doing volleyball 20-30 hours a week and the stress is very,very high.

She is so stressed out after dealing with voleyball -not the athletic part of it but the public school aspect of it-the extrem conformity,control stuff and the exclusivemness of being an outsider that she comes home and has barely any energy to focus on academics and then want to spend all this time getting back at them by being very non-conforming. Expression I do not have trouble with but I have to deal with these very closed minded people .My daughter is like the best one on the team and that causes a lot of jealousy. My daughter (and I) are very overwhelmed a this point. I and other people are not allowed to drive our daughter's to games. I chose this week to not go to her game Monday night or do concessions. My back was out and I was exhausted. Tuesday night,it was 8 hours away. I am feeling that my daughter needs my presence there as advocacy regardless of what she says. The season is over in two weeks-my daughter has imprrved tremedously becasue seh plays constantly but the social isolation and stress has been costly. In travel tream, barely got to play -politics mostly. This week she helped beat the team the coach of her travel team coaches in high shcool.It was this way last year in rec but it was a lot fewer hours a week ( 6 as opossed to 30).
Her freind (also on volleyball team) both wore the I love girls shirt to the football game. We are talking very rural South. Tonight she is going to a dance. I feel there is not enoguh adult supervison-I am givng her freedom but can see she desperately needs my advocacy and support. Not for the athletic stuff but for the other stuff. I call it a rural ghetto out here. I plan to move to the city in about one and a half years when ds goes to junior/senior year of college. For now though, there are four games left-sehe has a sleepover next week and I need to figure out the best eay to deal with this. Her way of dealign with stess is to push me away and then fly in rages. I tend to get backaches and then collapse. Then I withdraw and then she is left eithout an advocate. I am trying to keep this in persepctive. I am letting her go to the dance at the rural high school tonight. I try and enocrage her to mainly socilize with people that are more open but I guess she is rebelign against me by insiting that she be freinds with people that are so different than us. I am also veryopen and can deal with anyone but prefer more inclusive open sort of situations.
The stresss is so grat she has been not been focusing much on her shcoolwork (we homeschool) and her eating and sleepign is off and she just want s to play Halo 3) She jsut wants to hang with her friends and have fun and does nto consider anyone on the team but this one girl who also refuses to conform as her freind.

She is sleeping in today and then will put stuff in her room and go to the dance for two and a half hours. On Sunday, I haven't decided if we wil lgo to church -proably and then she wants to hang out with a freind who is part time homeshcooled.
Today I will go grocercy shopping and get my haircut. Sallie


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

smillerhouse ~ Is it you that has to deal with these people or is it your dd? Or is it that you feel you have to protect your dd from these people that she deals with on a daily basis? Have you talked to your dd about what she thinks and how feels about all of it?

I'm in the south plus I'm in a predominantly military town, very conservative, but I've been able to find like-minded people so that I don't feel so isolated. I started my own AP Meetup group and have met some wonderful families through that. I was very surprised to find that there were other liberal, AP families in the military (my own stereotyping issue). My ds has been able to make many friends. When I've spoken to their parents I find we are not so different. They have the same concerns and issues that I do even though they may address them in an entirely different way. They seem to truly like my ds, too, so he's not as isolated or excluded as I may fear.

I wouldn't worry about the t-shirt. Teenagers are very aware of gender bias and homophobia and they instinctively know it's wrong. I think it's great that your dd and her friends want to make a statement about it. I understand your fears about the unwanted attention she may get because of it. Maybe if you approach a dialogue with her from that perspective she'll listen and talk to you and alleviate some of your fears. Start by making a statement about her being capable of taking care of herself and knowing not to do anything dangerous and then tell her about your fears of what other people might try to do to her.


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