# can't stop dreaming...



## ariahsmum (Jun 15, 2004)

I still haven't written a story, but long story short... my uterus ruptured catastrophically at term in labor, and it killed my boy and I had a hysterectomy at 32 years old...

I can't stop dreaming. Every night I dream that I am NOT pregnant and the baby died. The grief and anger in the dreams is so large and intense. Nothing to analyse or interpret here... I am just simply working things out while I sleep, but here is the thing:

It is the nightmare you have during pregnancy that usually you wake up from and pat your belly and feel your baby and say "phew".

But this is a nightmare that is real. I can't wake up from it. It is a perpetual nightmare from hell.

And it is now my life. My every thought.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

I'm sorry your road is so hard, and hope you find some peace.

I'll be thinking of you.

Keri


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## Kristeremy (Feb 4, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you.


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

(((Hugs, Jaya)))
I know there is not a thing I can say to make you feel better, to make it go away. I am so sorry.


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## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

I am so incredibly sorry you are living this. I am so sorry this happened, so sorry you lost your Baby. Many prayers and







to you. I cannot even imagine your pain and I am so, so sorry.


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

i am sending you many prayers and strength...let it out momma..scream it out into the universe...it HURTS to have your baby die.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Oh mama, I am so so sorry. I'm crying for your loss.


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

jaya,
i am so sorry.
you are so right- losing your baby is a nightmare that you can't wake up from. and it hurts so much.

what you experienced was absolutely, definatively, traumatic. you suffered extreme physical trauma, at the same time as an extreme emotional trauma. i am so sorry you are having these nightmares.

living beyond that trauma seems surreal, doesn't it? i remember driving in a stupor, not quite believing that this was actually happening in my life. and to tell the truth, so many months later, i continue to have these aweful moments of realization and then bewilderment- how could this have happened to me? to my beautiful baby? is this real? yes, it is real.









something that you might look into, when you are ready, is 'emdr therapy'. it is a kind of emotional healing therapy that works especially well for post-traumatic stress disorder. it surprised me that i could have ptsd, but, well, losing a baby at birth is very traumatic. i went, and recieved healing on a level that i didn't even know i was upset about- it really helped me address anger about what had happened to us. it works faster and in a different way than talk therapy. anyway, it may be worth finding an emdr therapist, especially if you are having such vivid, repetitive nightmares.

i am so sorry for the loss of your son, and for your physical pain you have experienced at the same time.








much love to you... coralsmom


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## ariahsmum (Jun 15, 2004)

thanks, coralsmom, and everyone else..

Yes it hurts to "lose" a baby. It hurts also to look at dd. It hurts to know my body killed him. It hurts to recover from a cesarean and then a complete hysterectomy. Eveything hurts. Everything...

Coralsmom, I do know about EMDR, and I agree. I did a few rounds of it right prior to this pregnancy for various traumas that I couldn't shift thru talk therapy. I had had PTSD since my primary cesarean. In fact, it worked SO WELL that I literally can't recall what I did it for, lol. Huh. The memory is just gone.

I actually don't feel like I have PTSD right at this point, altho dh might very well... time will tell. He watched an awful lot.

I feel very very very traumatized physically, but intact on a soul-level, which I wasn't after the first cesarean.

blah- I am off to try to sleep if I can get my invalid self into bed.


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## babycatcher01 (Nov 28, 2005)

I had a mc at 12wks. I did not lose a child like you have, but I know the nightmares very well. Even though Iam exspecting again, things arnt normal so to speak, during the day things are fine but night they change, my dreams are filled with horrible and so real images of things I dont even want to say. It is hard to feel that things will be fine and that they are going to stop, but there are nights that I fear sleep, and I pray for a deep dreamless sleep.

I pray that you will have peace, and dreams of happieness once again.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ariahsmum* 
I still haven't written a story, but long story short... my uterus ruptured catastrophically at term in labor, and it killed my boy and I had a hysterectomy at 32 years old...

I can't stop dreaming. Every night I dream that I am NOT pregnant and the baby died. The grief and anger in the dreams is so large and intense. Nothing to analyse or interpret here... I am just simply working things out while I sleep, but here is the thing:

It is the nightmare you have during pregnancy that usually you wake up from and pat your belly and feel your baby and say "phew".

But this is a nightmare that is real. I can't wake up from it. It is a perpetual nightmare from hell.

And it is now my life. My every thought.









I'm so sorry, sweet heart. My daughter was the victim of uterine rupture as well.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

My body also killed my DD and so I know your nightmare well.







It sucks and it's a hard life to live day in and day out. I'm so sorry, Jaya.







s


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## 4lilfarmers (Feb 9, 2006)

oh jaya...

there are no words that seem right to say to you... i can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

you all are in our thoughts and prayers so often everyday--i'm sending you energy of peace and light all the time.

you are such a strong mama.

kris jacoby


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## sahmof2girls (Feb 9, 2005)

So Very sorry Jaya, Nothing I can say will help i know, But you will be in my thoughts!!!!!


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## zenmamasan (Oct 5, 2002)

Jaya, Scott and Ariah,

I hold you all in my heart, which is breaking for you. Every day I send you prayers for peace and light, and also prayers to help you and yours on this incredibly sad and difficult journey Trace Oak has begun for you.

Beautiful, perfect baby Trace has touched all of us, and will be our hearts forever.

Julia


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