# Pinching as a self-soothing technique?



## simplemama32

DS has been a pincher ever since he was a baby. He liked to stroke/pinch my breast or my upper arm while he nursed, but since he was so small and it didn't hurt, I never made a big deal about it.









Fast forward to now...he is 2 yrs. old, and pinching seems to have become an ingrained self-soothing habit with him, but oh my goodness, it hurts! He is _not_ doing it to be aggressive or to lash out when he's upset...it's mostly a repetitive thing he does during cuddles, nursing, or bedtime. In a sense, it seems similar to other habits like thumb-sucking or hair twirling.

In the past, I've tried different things to stop the pinching...saying "no pinch. that hurts mama," "gentle hands" and demonstrating a soft touch, trying to redirect him to pinching a pillow or one of his toys, and even removing him from the breast or walking briefly into another room to get control of myself when he just won't stop. The best I've managed to do is confine his pinching (with constant reminders) to the back of my hands where it doesn't seem to hurt me as badly.

Now that he's older, I feel like there may be a chance to slowly transition this pinching habit into some other, gentler self-soothing habit. Any ideas, or BTDT advice...? I don't know whether it's better to try and replace the habit or just try to stop it?


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## jnet24

my 3 year old still does tthat good luck. i have tried to stop it but gave up.


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## ssh

When my DD started pinching when nursing, at about 9 months, I put her baby quilt between her fingers. The behavior could be harder to change after so long. Some people use nursing necklaces.


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## physmom

DD does this too. It´s like she needs that extra sensory stimulation to fall asleep. We´ve had some improvements by giving her rubber things while she nurses (like a rubber toddler tooth brush or a rubber comb). It´s helped to cut back on her pinching. We also try and give her other sort of stimulation like using a wooden back massager on her hand (actually her whole arm too) before she nurses and that also helps to calm her down first and makes it quicker to put her to sleep.


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## lilyka

definitely time to stop the behavior if it is hurting you. yeah its going to suck breaking him of the habit but it has to be done eventually.....I think you were on the right path switching him over to stuffed animal or something. That would have been my first suggestion but I am guessing the texture is just far enough off that it is not the same....maybe some kind of stress ball or a balloon filled with sand? (under supervision only of course.)

Good luck.


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## Linda on the move

giving the child something else to play with, sooth with, is a good idea.

But honestly, your child is two. They are old enough for you to sit them on the floor and walk away if they do ANYTHING that hurts you. It's good to set boundaries with our kids as they get older.

It will only take a couple of times to get the message. This is totally unacceptable behavior, and removing yourself from it is OK.


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## heathenmom

My 3 y/o did this too. OUCH!! I *finally* got her to stop pinching, after many, many months. Now she relentlessly plays with my arm fat.







Some days, I kinda wish for the pinching ...


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## simplemama32

Thanks! I'll have to try to find something made of rubber to give him -- that's a good idea. I've tried an after-bath massage before, and he just wouldn't hold still for it...I might try that again though. I'm thinking I need to work on overall before-bed calming first, and it may help with the pinching. He does have SO much excess energy. 

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
giving the child something else to play with, sooth with, is a good idea.

But honestly, your child is two. They are old enough for you to sit them on the floor and walk away if they do ANYTHING that hurts you. It's good to set boundaries with our kids as they get older.

It will only take a couple of times to get the message. This is totally unacceptable behavior, and removing yourself from it is OK.

I have walked away _many_ times. It works in the moment but does not help the problem in the long run. Again, I can't stress enough that this is a comfort measure for him. He does it almost unconsciously...he is not doing it to be mean. If I tell him it hurts me or ask him to stop, he will for a few minutes, but then he will gradually start again. He even does it occasionally when he's pretty much asleep.

I think many people (kids and adults) have some sort of "thing" they do to put them in the mindset for sleep...this just happens to be his.


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## Linda on the move

Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplemama32* 
The best I've managed to do is confine his pinching (with constant reminders) to the back of my hands where it doesn't seem to hurt me as badly.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplemama32* 
I have walked away _many_ times. It works in the moment but does not help the problem in the long run. Again, I can't stress enough that this is a comfort measure for him.

I don't think it sounds like you've consistently walked away when he pinches.

One reminder, then get up and leave.


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## lilyka

for breaking a bad habit consistanct is key. You mentioned he "gradually starts up again". I am assuming (and correct me if I am wrong) that that means you let him do until it hurts or you are annoyed then tell him to stop. Don't do that. The minute he shows any sign of intending to start up stop it. For my kids I would grab their hand firmly (not to hurt!!Just so they know that this hand, right here is what I am talking about and that my moving it is not accidental or haphazard), move it away and say "stop" very firmly (again not at all yelling but making eye contact and being serious. no begging, no whining, no please, no asking, no explaining. just stop.) I know this is hard for them. you have allowed this to become a habit and escalate to the hurting. oops. oh well. now you have the big task of breaking a deep set habit though and it will be work for you and work for them and will require a considerable amount of energy and effort. there is no easy way. but the most important thing to remember is that pinching is bad. not just pinching that hurts. my guess is that it is all the same to him. he does not mean to hurt you. the non hurting pinches probably feel about the same to him as the hurting ones. all he is learning is that sometimes it is ok to pinch and sometimes it is not. you need to let him know it is never ever ok to pinch a person at all. because he is too young to really know the difference between when it will hurt you and when it will not. Does that make any sense? So you need to end all pinching of people.

And honestly since you will be stopping the pinching before he hurst you I don't think you neccesarily have to get up and leave. just redirect the hands 100% of the time. and if you feel yourself getting irritated or he is resisting redirection then of course get up and leave so that you can both calm down. but so long as you are ok redirecting and can do that I would just keep redirecting. either hold the offending hand, give him something else to manipulate or just otherwise remove it from your flesh. the second his hands start moving in the direction to pinch. the sooner you can catch it the better. there is nothing wrong with him self soothing but this is clearly out of hand and something that has become a problem. If he is a child that needs a self soothing sort of action he needs to find another.


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## simplemama32

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
I don't think it sounds like you've consistently walked away when he pinches.

One reminder, then get up and leave.


Thank you for being condescending.


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## simplemama32

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
for breaking a bad habit consistanct is key. You mentioned he "gradually starts up again". I am assuming (and correct me if I am wrong) that that means you let him do until it hurts or you are annoyed then tell him to stop. Don't do that. The minute he shows any sign of intending to start up stop it. For my kids I would grab their hand firmly (not to hurt!!Just so they know that this hand, right here is what I am talking about and that my moving it is not accidental or haphazard), move it away and say "stop" very firmly (again not at all yelling but making eye contact and being serious. no begging, no whining, no please, no asking, no explaining. just stop.) I know this is hard for them. you have allowed this to become a habit and escalate to the hurting. oops. oh well. now you have the big task of breaking a deep set habit though and it will be work for you and work for them and will require a considerable amount of energy and effort. there is no easy way. but the most important thing to remember is that pinching is bad. not just pinching that hurts. my guess is that it is all the same to him. he does not mean to hurt you. the non hurting pinches probably feel about the same to him as the hurting ones. all he is learning is that sometimes it is ok to pinch and sometimes it is not. you need to let him know it is never ever ok to pinch a person at all. because he is too young to really know the difference between when it will hurt you and when it will not. Does that make any sense? So you need to end all pinching of people.

And honestly since you will be stopping the pinching before he hurst you I don't think you neccesarily have to get up and leave. just redirect the hands 100% of the time. and if you feel yourself getting irritated or he is resisting redirection then of course get up and leave so that you can both calm down. but so long as you are ok redirecting and can do that I would just keep redirecting. either hold the offending hand, give him something else to manipulate or just otherwise remove it from your flesh. the second his hands start moving in the direction to pinch. the sooner you can catch it the better. there is nothing wrong with him self soothing but this is clearly out of hand and something that has become a problem. If he is a child that needs a self soothing sort of action he needs to find another.

You're correct...there is a problem with consistency. Partially because this occurs at bedtime, and I'm exhausted. Partially, because other caregivers let him get away with it when I would not. Not excuses, I know...

I'm not arguing that it needs to stop (I obviously created a post about it), and I know the steps to get him to stop (and yes, I DO realize I "know the steps" and he's *still* pinching







). I guess I need to be more specific that I'm looking for encouragement to stand my ground for however long it takes and to put my foot down with his other caregivers (mainly my parents) to nip this in the bud. AND, mostly, for ideas on other ways to give him gentler options for self-soothing and/or for me to provide more of a calming atmosphere. He is definitely a child that needs some assistance calming down.

I'm NOT looking for (and sorry, this is in general and is not directed specifically at you lilyka...you were very helpful, and I thank you) judgement on my previous lack of consistency and assumptions about the situation.


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## baglady

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heathenmom* 
My 3 y/o did this too. OUCH!! I *finally* got her to stop pinching, after many, many months. Now she relentlessly plays with my arm fat.







Some days, I kinda wish for the pinching ...

My DS pinches my arm fat. The really sensitive fat right under the arm. Yikes!!


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## simplemama32

Oh, and I should add...I think part of my problem with consistency is that I feel guilty for (what I see as) basically punishing DS for trying to soothe himself.







If he is half-asleep and starts pinching unconsciously, or if he is sick and fussy, or whatever...it seems extreme to do anything other gentle corrections such as holding his hand. Otherwise, yes, I agree...to set him down, walk away, etc. etc.

I'm definitely not saying he should be allowed to pinch people, btw. I just want to provide him with other tools he could use instead.


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## adoremybabe

My DS did until 4 years of age. He pinched our elbows mostly. Any time that he was close to us he'd do it. He still occasionally grabs the baby's hand in a slightly pinching manner. He will be 5 in August. Dh and I didn't like it so we always redirected his hand. Most of the time nothing was said, his hand was just moved. Occasionally, we had to tell him that it hurt or bothered us.

I never worried about upsetting him because we took something away from him. He is completely fine emotionally even though this habit was pretty much put to an end.


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## lilyka

Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplemama32* 
Oh, and I should add...I think part of my problem with consistency is that I feel guilty for (what I see as) basically punishing DS for trying to soothe himself.







If he is half-asleep and starts pinching unconsciously, or if he is sick and fussy, or whatever...it seems extreme to do anything other gentle corrections such as holding his hand. Otherwise, yes, I agree...to set him down, walk away, etc. etc.

I'm definitely not saying he should be allowed to pinch people, btw. I just want to provide him with other tools he could use instead.

I think the gentle corrections are just fine. There is really no need for anything else. All the harshness in the world will not solve this unless you are consistant anyway. (I am not saying you are being harsh. Just that consistant gentle correction is all you need.) If it makes you feel better and helps distract him hold his hand and kiss it while he nurses (this was one of my favorite things to do anyway







I used to always play with their fingers and kiss the palm of their hand...ahhhh memories, yeah and I did it mostly to keep that free little hand from inflicting some kind of evil on my other boob), play little finger games....just keep those fingers busy. If he really needs a new soothing technique then help him find one. One of my kids used to crunch the edge of her diaper right at the leg (omg, its killing me with cuteness remembering all this) while she nursed. She would hum as she squeezed the daiper.

you are not punishing him. by helping his redirect his behavior to something more tolerable for you he will still be able to self sooth as needed without accidentally hurting his feelings by screaming when he gets a good one in (and that will happen becasue it hurts like hell and no matte rhow many times they do it you never see it coming). its ok, really. you are giving to him, not taking anything away. and you are doing it gently and with much love.

as for getting his caregivers on board.....thats hard. And does not help you at all. Maybe just explain to them that the pinching thing is becoming a problem and explain to them how you would like them to handle it. and then if they don't follow the plan grab a little peice of their under arm flab between your nails and give it a good pinch.







and explain the plan again. maybe? maybe not. good luck with that. Sometimes it is easier to get our kids to break habits than to get our family to.


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## Learning_Mum

DS2 has a lovey that I made out of an old dressing gown that I wore and he formed an attachment to. It's like a silky polyester and when he's going to sleep he rubs it in between his thumb and first finger. Maybe you could try something that is silky and just give it to him everytime he is on the breast or needs soothing. At first it might just be sitting there but if he starts pinching I would redirect to the blanket and just keep doing it.

I have found that 2yo can learn new soothing techniques fairly easily but at around 3yo they are more difficult (for example DS1 has a little cloth doll that I gave him everytime he went to bed and it became an attachment item. We had a couple of them and he would happily have one if the other was in the wash but when he was about 3yo he formed an attachment to a particular one, for no reason that I could see, and that is now his lovey. It's dirty and falling apart, and just plain gross but I can't get him to swap to a new one!)

Anyway, silky things seem to be popular with most children and it has a similar action to pinching. I would just say that you need to decide on something and introduce it and consistently give it to him. You don't really break habits, you just replace them with something else.


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## Smithie

I am trying to train my 1 y.o. out of doing this. It is working, but it's taking a while and the very hardest time to be consistent is when she's falling asleep. And yes, she has other adults in her life who let her get away with it, and that sure doesn't help much.

So.... here's some encouragement!


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## LaLaLaLa

My son is a pincher and always has been. He is four years, four months old and still pinches the skin between our thumbs and first fingers.

Do we stop him? Yes, EVERY SINGLE TIME. Does it stop the behavior? Nope. Actually, sometimes when we've stopped him he then pinches his own neck; he has a callous there from where he's pinched so much.

We are pretty sure DS has a touch of sensory processing disorder; he is sensory seeking in a number of ways and the pinching is one symptom of that. We've not yet found an acceptable pinching substitute (nothing compares to skin!), but we're working on it.

Sorry I don't have any advice, OP, but I wanted to offer some understanding of your situation and let you know that for some kids consistently stopping them isn't enough to override a compulsive behavior. Good luck; let me know if you find the magic solution!


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## Linda on the move

My DD has autism and has at times engaged in repetitive behaviors that can hurt her, such as banging her head into a glass table over and over. Head banging is, ironically, an attempt at a self soothing behavior. Obviously, I don't let her do that because she could really hurt herself.

I don't see a huge difference between not letting a child hurt themselves to sooth and not letting them hurt another person.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplemama32* 
Oh, and I should add...I think part of my problem with consistency is that I feel guilty for (what I see as) basically punishing DS for trying to soothe himself.









I don't see walking away as punishing. I'm not saying that you should say mean things, pinch him back, etc.

Quote:

seems extreme to do anything other gentle corrections such as holding his hand. Otherwise, yes, I agree...to set him down, walk away, etc. etc.
Have you tried putting something between his fingers when he starts, such as the satin ribbon on the side of a soft blanket?


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## foxtrot

I thought I was the only one who had this problem! I've talked to my pediatrician about it and I have come up with nothing to help my daughter soothe. She needs to pinch skin to soothe herself to sleep. She is 2 years 7 months and still it goes on. She pinches my neck skin. It hurts. I've not been consistent only because she is an AWFUL sleeper. She still doesn't sleep through the night and is awake several times a night. The only way I get any sleep is to let her pinch me until she goes back to sleep. She can't seem to get to sleep any other way. I know I need to bite the bullet, but like the OP I feel like I'm punishing her for soothing herself the only way she knows how. I have found no subsitutes though not for not trying. We've given her everything we can think of, but she only wants skin.

So, no advice but VERY sincere sympathy. It's not as easy to be consistent with this as people think. When you are exhausted and haven't slept a full night in 2 and half years it's easier to let them pinch you just so you can sleep. PLEASE post something if you ever figure out how to stop this because I'd love to know how you do it.


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## jnet24

I am going to go way against the grain here and say that I believe my son really needs this to soothe himself and if it is the only thing the works I am willing to deal with it. It helps to gently remove his hands from sensitive areas. He is allowed to pinch the skin on my hand and forearm, but not the upper arm (OWW). I also ask him to rub my arm instead of pinch if it is really bugging me. He has done this since he was 6 months old. I am not at the point where it bothers me enough to consistently stop him from doing it. Until you are at the point, I don't think you can really make it stop. I have tried blankets, stuffed animals, rubber, necklaces, and even allowed him to pick out these things and nothing has helped. I figure when the time is right he will be able to self soothe another way and until then I set boundaries. But he is a high needs child with possible SPD and other delays so I go with whatever works.


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## lmakgoren

*Update PLEASE!!*

Hello,

This is EXACTLY what is happening to my DS!
The pinching got even more severe when I stopped breastfeeding. Now he is pinching any exposed skin he sees!
Did you ever figure out a solution???

Please advise!!!


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