# Overnights with Grandparents?



## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

My DH's grandparents are really itching for the time when they get to keep James overnight (won't happen till 1) he's weaned and 2) He's like 5 or 6) And I just don't understand it I guess. I mean I guess I could see if the parents had to be gone overnight or something, but why otherwise?

I don't understand the need for grandparents to "Play House" with their grandkids.

My mom LOVES James but she said she'll babysit but probably won't do overnight unless we really NEED someone to watch James overnight.

And why do grandparents start in on this overnight deal so soon anyway? I have a feeling it will be a LONG time before James goes anywhere overnight because I don't want him not under my roof while I'm there, makes no sense to me...

Am I just weird? Being mean to the grandparents?

I should note that DH's uncle and his wife have ALREADY booked a vacation for later this year and fully intend to take their baby (Due in August) to DH's grandparents (uncles parents) for the weekend so they can 'get some time' she will be bottle feeding.







:

Anyone else dealing with this? How do you deal? Say NO to overnights till the child is old enough to request it? How do you deal if they decide at midnight that that whole overnight idea was a BAD idea and they wanna come home?

Thanks.


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## luckymamato2 (Jun 3, 2006)

Two of our kids' grandmas are desperate to "play house" but I have not given in. DS spent the night with MIL when I was admitted into the hospital for a heart condition, and once with SIL (at our house) when I had to stay the full 12 hours after giving birth. He has ridden in cars without me or dh those two times. My MIL often mentions that she has a carseat, stroller, etc. but I know for a fact the carseat is expired by several years and I am a Britax snob. My mother has also mentioned she has a carseat but it's an infant one, she bought it used, and her house is nasty.

The other grandma doesn't really like kids so she's never offered to babysit or anything, which is fine by me. I respect her choice.

I always thought we should wait until at least 2 AND they can request spending the night verbally. My dh has been wanting some romantic couple time but I am so not there.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Ya know, I was just thinking about this....

In my entire life, I think I remember spending time at my Nana and Papa's without my parents once, maybe twice. Not because they weren't wonderful people, but because I was always with my parents.

AND, DH and I have discussed and feel the same way. We had kids and plan to be with them. Not saying that people who have kids and send them to other people's places for extended stays don't want their kids, or aren't good parents, or whatever. It's just not us. I think our kids would be pretty darn old, like 10+ before we'd do any kind of extended stay alone with either set of grandparents. Even going out on dates, to weddings, etc., we'd be home before morning, so it wouldn't be an overnight, it would just be an afternoon/evening thing. You know, maybe situations will come up that we need overnight care, and that's fine, but we'll take that on individual situation bases.

My mom actually said something to me along the lines of "when we have the kids for a week in the summertime", and I turned to her and said, "um, why wouldn't we be there too? When did you ever leave me with Nana and Papa alone?" and she kind of looked at me and said, "You know, you're right!" HA!

For us, it's not a matter of trusting or not trusting our parents...it's just not something that is our style. And, since we agree on it (DH and I), we can present a united front. THAT is what I think is most important...being confident in whatever decision you make.

JMHO


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## siobhang (Oct 23, 2005)

Honestly, I am looking forward to when we can leave our kids with my ILs for a week! They live in England and really don't get a lot of time to spend with them, but they are GREAT parents and great grandparents so I feel very comfortable for my kids to be in their care.

DH and I are hoping that when the kids get older, they get to spend a week or two with grandma and granddad in the UK while we can do whatever we want (most likely working, but here is to hoping!).

That said, it won't happen until my youngest is AT LEAST 3 and probably older. Why? Other than the odd overnight visit, which is more for my husband and me than for the kids, I don't think they will be old enough until then for long periods without us - I think it will make them upset and unhappy.

I also think my ILs have forgotten what it is like caring for small children - I doubt they actually have the energy and patience for longer than a few hours or an overnight visit. And the fact that my kids don't get to see them very often means that grandma and granddad are not very familiar with them (which is one thing we are trying to remedy with longer trips, but it is very expensive and hard to take the time off work).

My dad, on the other hand, I wouldn't let him watch the kids for more than two hours. He is a great grandfather, but more in the "here, let me write you a check" kind of way.

My 2 cents.

Siobhan


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

I guess thats the difference, I went for 2 weeks every single summer with my dad's parents. They traveled a lot and I can remember going to North Dakota, South Dakota, Missouri, Arkansas and Flordia with my grandparents, without my parents. My grandpa would ask my mom if they could take me and they'd take me. *shrug* I had a VERY close relationship with my grandpa, I was his favorite.









I just don't 'get' why it's such a big deal to my father and DH's grandparents...we live in the same town, they see James often...why do they need an overnight? Besides if James stays with them he'll either have to sleep in their bed (which I do not like because GFIL is obese and they both take medications and I worry about them being able to wake up if needed) or on the floor (and I'm just a snob about that, I don't sleep on the floor)


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## mama_b (Dec 14, 2004)

You're not mean or crazy. I did not spend the night with my grandparents until I was 7 or 8, and then only when all of the cousins were in town. We all had a huge slumber party.







I personally will not allow my dd to go to her grandparents overnight until she is old enough to ask without being prompted to.


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## stellimamo (Jan 9, 2006)

My parents take my dd over night once a week or once everyother week. My mom is out of school and staying home so she enjoys having her over night and then keeping her the next day. My dd would be at daycare otherwise so it actually works out nicely. I get to sleep in before going to work till 7 and I don't have to wake up my dd to go to daycare. My dd LOVES my parents! I! It thrills me that she knows her gparents well enough to be happy and secure when she stays with them. SHe has major mommitis but is very comfortable w/ my parents. She's better with them than she is w/ dp!

Sometimes my parents take her over night on the weekends to. This gives me time to get stuff done without her so that when she's with me I can really concentrate on her. WHen my mom has her she is also able to constrate and really focus on dd. I feel that this is a much more positive situation than me being frustrated and stressed trying to get stuff done and manage her. I can get my stuff done in a few hours w/o her but it would take me a whole day w/ her.

However my stb in laws can't wait to have dd overnight and that makes me very nervous. Don't get me wrong they are wonderful, safe, reliable people but I don't trust them to not feed her forbidden items because they think "a little bit won't hurt". They are also 2 hours away, my parents are only 15 mins.

I don't feel like my parents want to "play house" w/ dd but I do get that feeling with stb inlaws. But none the less they absolutly love her even though she isn't their biological grandbaby. I don't worry for her safety or well being with either set of grandparents.

I dn't think you are being mean in any way though. He is your child and they aren't entitled to having him over night. They should respect your wishes.


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

I don't have a huge problem with it. My DS (nearly 7 months old) has spent 3 nights with my mom 20 minutes away. It isn't my favorite thing as it is hard to let him go. My mom would take him every weekend if I'd let her. I'm trying to keep it down to every 6 weeks or so and only when I've got something I want/need to do. And he is exclusively breast fed so making sure I have enough bottles ready and then pumping while he is gone is a pain... but it works.

I am INCREDIBLY close to my grandmother. My best childhood memories surround spending time with her. I practically LIVED at her house at times just because I wanted to. (That and my father was violent to my mother and I probably wanted to escape) I want my mother and children to have a close relationship. So, I let him go every once ina while for about 12-15 hours at time.


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## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

MIL lives near us and she asked about overnights early on, which was ridiculous. Never gonna happen for a nursing/cosleeping baby. Dd finally had her first sleepover when she was 5, I think. She may have been 4, almost 5. IT's not so I can get away from her, or b/c MIL NEEDS to spend more time with her, it's b/c dd likes to be overnight w/grandma. She asks about it. She stayed 2 nights last week- dh and I missed her terribly, but she was having fun. With 3 kids, she doesn't get much 1:1 time, so being with grandma helps that also.

So, I think when a child is old enough to share their wishes is when overnights should be considered. Dd didn't get the first overnight she asked for, either, as I didn't want a freaked out child coming home at 2am.


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## Herausgeber (Apr 29, 2006)

Eh, it's a judgment call. Depends on the parents, the grandparents and the kids in question. In my family, it's considered completely normal for kids to overnight with other close family members. I did it all the time when I was a kid. When I was a preschooler, my grandfather would driving 6 hours each way just to take me back to his house so I could spend time with him and my grandma for long weekends. I loved it. I don't think they were "playing house." They just missed me. I WAS impossibly cute.







:

We've continued that tradition with our generation. I'm taking my two nephews with me on vacation later this month, without their mother, who has to work. But they are 5 and 3. Their whole lives, I've been visiting them for long stretches, caring for them, co-sleeping with them, etc, and they ask me *constantly* when they can come see me.


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

My 3yo ds' grandparents are very important people in his/our lives, so sleepovers happen from time to time and he loves them. I want the bond between them to be strong, and I'm an "it takes a village" kind of person. Like a pp said, my grandparents took care of me often, and those are some of my happiest memories growing up.

I hope that my son trusts me enough to do the same when he's a father. I don't think it's weird or suspicious for grandparents to want to spend time with thier grandchildren.


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## MomInCalifornia (Jul 17, 2003)

My 3 1/2 year old daughter spends the night at my parents house once a month or so.

My parents live less than 5 minutes away and we are all really close, and this time is special to all of them. Do we need her to spend the night, of course not, but she loves it so we don't have an issue with it.

They have a routine that Abby loves and looks forwards to. They go to the park for a few hours, then go get dinner followed by walking to the ice cream shop to share a strawberry ice cream. Then back to my parents house where they do tons of art, take a bubble bath, put on lotion, paint eachothers nails (this is her favorite!) read oodles of stories and then go to bed.

The memories they are crating are priceless and I think it is a wonderful way for Abby to build a connection with my mom and dad.

I don't think my parents are playing house with my kids, I just think they love my daughter, she adores them, and it is fun, so why not. My son is only 18 months, and still wakes at night, so he won't join in on sleepover for quite a while. The other thing special aboutt he sleepovers is it gives Abby one on one time with Grammy and Papa and they get to do the big girl stuff that would be hard to do if the baby was over as well...

Anyway, that's what works for us.

Now my in-laws...they will never under any circumstances have either of the kids alone, during the day or night, and they certainly ask to. So I think alot depends on the relationships!


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## mommyoftwo (Apr 6, 2004)

We just started some overnights with my parents. My ds is three and dd is five. My kids were begging to stay at their house. They live three doors down from us. We didn't go away the first couple of times-just stayed local. My parents understood that if anyone missed mom and dad, that they would call and we would come and get them. That didn't happen.

My parents really looked forward to sleeping with them (they have a king sized bed) so they didn't sleep alone. We didn't even try it until ds was weaned which he did a few weeks before our first overnight.

I say do whatever you are comfortable with. They shouldn't pressure you.


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## andreac (Jul 13, 2003)

We let ds decide when he wanted to do an overnight visit w/his grammy & grampy. MIL would ask every so often and ds always said "No, thanks!". Then one day, a few days after our dd was born (ds was 2 1/2) he said YES! and he was so excited to pack up his little back-pack. He actually pitched a fit when dh went to bring him home! He is very close with my MIL, we lived like 10 blocks from them for his first 1 1/2 years and she watched him 2 days a week when I went back to work part-time. She is the "happy-fun-time grammy" plays with him endlessly, co-sleeps if he wants to and just adores him! She's so respectful of him and of our parenting style. He's stayed probably half a dozen times since then (6 mos or so) always with his permission. I think the key is repsecting your child and what he needs and wants.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

My mom teases me about the overnights, 2 weeks in the summer thing. She's serious in that she'd LOVE that, but also not really seriously pressuring me for it.

My mom is MADLY in love with her granddaughter and wants a very, very special relationship with her. And I guess she feels that part of forging a strong bond is having one-on-one time with her.

On one hand that makes sense, since I feel like my DH has a stronger bond with our daughter than some dads because he spends one-on-one time with her every day. On the other hand, that special bond that DH has is based on being a PARENT - for example, he is free to interact with DD however he feels best without my direction or preferences imposed on him.

That's excellent for a dad, but I don't WANT my mother to feel free to interact with her however she wants. For example, very soon (DD is 9 months now) I will be locking horns with my mother, probably for the rest of our lives, about sugar. My mother will be sneaking her all kinds of sweets and feel she is somehow making my DD's life better for it. Like I'm depriving her if I don't give her ice cream or something. That's a decision for a PARENT, and my mother is not her parent.

Anyway, back on topic, I think that to the grandmothers, it's about building a special relationship. Unfortunately for them, they'll have to wait on that!

For the record my mom is doing ok about respecting my wishes on waiting years for the overnight or week-long stay. She asked, "Can she come stay with me for a week when she's a teenager?" I responded, "Mom, when she's a teenager, you can *HAVE* her!"







:


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

I get the desire to have a close relationship with grandparents....I am really close with my Nana; Papa died about 6 years back now, and I was devastated. I think it was more that we all just did everything as a family. We got together nearly every weekend with my grandparents and aunt and uncle; my parents were just always around, too. We were like 7 peas in a pod, it was DEFINITELY a "village" situation, but my parents were just always there.







I think ours was a kind of unusual situation, but I wouldn't trade it for the world...having 7 people who loved me desparately and wanted to all spend as much time with me as they could...that's a pretty good deal, I think!


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## ~Quse~ (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JamesMama*
And I just don't understand it I guess. I mean I guess I could see if the parents had to be gone overnight or something, but why otherwise?

I don't understand the need for grandparents to "Play House" with their grandkids.

.

Probably because they are head over heals in love with their grandchildren and just want to spend time with them.


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## mama_b (Dec 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Quse~*
Probably because they are head over heals in love with their grandchildren and just want to spend time with them.

They can spend time with their grandchildren without having them spend the night.


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## Butter (Oct 6, 2004)

My parents never requested overnights and my husband's parents live in Ireland so it's not even an option. I do let my kids spend nights and weekends with my parents starting once they are nightweaned and ready to go long periods of time without nursing. Miss A went to Florida for a week with my parents at 20 months and came back and went right back to nursing, no big deal. BUT, and this is a huge but, I would never, ever let my kids stay the night with my husband's parents because of their parenting methods (if it was possible for them to take them overnight). My parents, however, are AP parents. They co-slept with my kids when they were younger and stayed there and if a child ends up in their bed during the night it's not a big deal at all to them. It's probably very much because of how my parents parented that I had no problem with the kids staying the night with them. The kids stay there about one weekend every month or two now and my parents take them each on a special trip (just that child and my parents) once a year. My kids and my parents have a VERY close relationship. Miss A did not spend the night with my parents until she was 19 1/2 months old (the night Mr. Man was born) and Mr. Man did not until he was nearly 3.


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## jkpmomtoboys (Jun 1, 2004)

I think it's a wonderful experience for kids to stay at their grandparents overnight. My oldest does it once every few months and my youngest wants to as well. It's a time to bond with the grandparents on an extended basis, stay up late, have grandpa make him breakfast in the morning and in general view our parents' homes as second homes to him.

We are very close with our parents and trust their parenting style, so maybe that's the difference between us and some of the PP's who are against their kids staying the night at grandparents. Otherwise, I don't really get the aversion.


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## jkpmomtoboys (Jun 1, 2004)

ack double post


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

Thanks for the opinions ladies! I probably will let James go on an overnight eventually, but I just can't see it happening before he's 4 or so (we've already arranged that when/if we have a 2nd baby someone will come stay at OUR house with James...no need to make it more stressful than it already will be)

My mom is pretty cool about it. My dad is kind of pressuring me and so is DH's grandparents. DH's mom hasn't said one word about it but she'll get an overnight sometime after hell freezes over...


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## kofduke (Dec 24, 2002)

I haven't let DS stay overnight anywhere yet, but he asked if he could sleep over at his grandma and pop-pop's house this summer. They live 1.5 hrs. away. He asked to stay for "5 days" and I've told him he can go for three (2 nights). We'll see how it goes - if it goes well I'm sure it will happen again, if not then we'll wait another year or so. It's not like we'll get alone-time, as Luke is not going to sleep anywhere right now...


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## boobyfeeder (May 20, 2006)

My mom is like this. She has been pushing for DD to stay overnight at her house practically from day one. "I can't wait until she's 6 months old, 1 year old, etc., then she'll get to stay over, right?" Um, no mom. I just don't get the appeal of having DD stay overnight, all she will do is sleep (if they are lucky). They don't even have a room set up for her. My mom was watching DD a few weeks ago when I went to the ER, and she couldn't even get her to sleep in OUR house. How would she get her to sleep at her house? Personally I think it's better to wait until the kids can remember staying over, so they think of it as a fun time, not an anxious time away from mom and dad. JMO


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## CNutty (Apr 18, 2006)

Im glad I saw this thread, I was just pondering this...Im glad to see im not crazy.!
When DS was just born I already knew about this wedding I have to go to this AUG. I just assumed that at 13m, we would both be ready for a little break, and that he and I would have no problem with him staying at grandmas for one night. Boy was I wrong!!! Its about 2m away, and Im thinkin there is NO way in the world I could be without him and he without me for more then a fwe hours! My mom is a little ticked I think...she keeps saying it will be good for him, show him that if I go away I wil come back. I dont think hes ready to learn that yet, in fact I dont think he could even learn that yet, all I think it would be is tramatic!


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

My DS will never spend the night with his paternal grandparents (long story but I wouldn't trust them with my son's life). I have never left him alone with them, and don't intend to. He DOES see them (I'm not a total b*tch







) about once a week but I am there with him. His paternal grandfather is legally blind (and has a hard time walking around the young kids because he can't see what's right in front of him so he's constantly tripping on them) and his paternal grandmother is pretty ill. Add to that I don't trust them for other reasons and you've got my answer on them.

My mom has young kids of her own (10 year old, almost 4 year old, and will have another baby within a couple weeks). Because of that I probably would not leave my DS overnight with her, unless I really needed to. She's already got her hands full, I wouldn't want to add to it (and my ds is definately energetic and a handful!). But if I ever needed her to watch my ds she would. I've only left DS alone with her twice- both times were less than 15 minutes and he was asleep both times (once when he was a bitty baby and again a couple months ago).

I would leave my DS with my dad, if he was old enough (not nursing at night) and said he wanted to. Or if there was an emergency situation and I had to leave my ds with someone I would leave him with my dad. My dad and my ds get along well and have a lot of fun together. I have left my ds with my dad a handful of times. Last week was the longest time (about 2 1/2 hours) because Owen asked to stay with his Grandpa instead of coming to work with me. He had a blast swimming in Grandpa's pool and baking cookies







But I still would not do an overnight for at least a few more years.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JamesMama*

I don't understand the need for grandparents to "Play House" with their grandkids.



I don't get it either. Personally I think it's a control issue (MIL doesn't want me around). My dd starting having occasional sleep-overs at Grandma's when she was about 5, and my son will be at least that old before he has sleepovers there, too.


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## ibex67 (Feb 24, 2006)

My parents live overseas so it has not been an issue with them. My ILs live about 45 mins away and are a regular part of life -- even before kids we had sunday dinners with them a couple of times a month.

MIL never "pressured" me to have ds spend the night -- but she did make it clear in her own subtle way that they were more than willing to do it to give dh and I a break and that she thought I was a bit over-protective for not considering it for a very long time. For us it has been a very gradual thing over time. When ds was two and a half, DH and I made reservations for a dinner and overnight at the Inn we had stayed at the night we were married. It is about 20 mins from the ILs. We had a beauitful [late] dinner at the Inn and then drove back to the ILs to get ds to spend the night with us at the Inn. I know they thought it was wierd and unnecessary [it was almost 11:00 pm before we picked him up -- and honestly he would have been fine if we hadn't come] but it was what I was most comfy with.

I am not sure how old ds was before he really had a whole night sleepover there -- probably between 3 and 4. Now at six he asks for sleep overs and negotiates with us all to make them longer and longer. [I think the longest has been 3 nights so far]. He is so comfy with them that last Christmas we were all in Maine visting SIL and on the day DH and I decided to leave, ds asked to stay another day and come home with Gramma and Grampa! I was very nervous about it -- that meant that they had to all cope with a 9 hour car ride home with each other. But he was so sure -- that we did it and he had a fabulous time.

But this has been very gradual -- and they have been a big and regular part of his life since he was born. I think the relationship he has with them is an irreplaceable treasure. Sure they don't "parent" in exactly the same ways we do. But they love him and are respectful of him and he feels safe enough with them to be vocal about his feelings and getting his needs met. I think letting them have "alone" time together is a gift for all involved. Now that we have adopted dd, she is so interested in doing everything ds does, that she is ending up with sleep-overs at an earlier age than ds did. For about a year, she preferred to come home with us on the nights we had dinner there and ds asked to spend the night -- but last month she had two sleepovers there [one for one night and the other for 2 nights] and she is only 3. She loved it.

Anyway, that's my experience. In general my opinion is that unless one thinks the grandparents are a toxic or hurtful relationship to cultivate, I think it is a valuable thing to invest in. I think it is important for kids to give and receive love and care from different adults so that they learn different "love languages." Sure Gramma and Grampa don't treat them exactly like we do. They are stricter about some things [have less tolerance for chaos and noise than we do] and "negotiate" with the kids less. On the other hand theirhouse is also the place of special treats for the kids [baking cookies with Grampa, drinking ginger ale with dinner, and watching old-fashioned cartoons with him until late in the night!]. They might not be AP - but they are respectful and never belittle or shame the kids. And just like us, my ILs would jump in front of a moving train to save them.

It has taken me some emotional effort [and yes, I would say maturity] to give up some control and let them have these independent relationships. But it has helped to see how good it seems to be for my kids.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Quse~*
Probably because they are head over heals in love with their grandchildren and just want to spend time with them.

I totally agree with this. I started weekend visits with my paternal grandparents and was VERY *Attached* to them. They were like my "Second Parents".

If my Mother did not live in a dangerous environment, DS would be spending overnight weekends with her.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

We've never had DS stay over with my parents (DH's parents live overseas so they don't really factor into it). They have four kids living at home and no extra beds. When we were kids the rule was that you had to be at least three and weaned to visit grandparents. I don't think we made regular visits until we were more like six or so.

That being said, if DS wanted to visit my parents and they were willing to have him I would have no problem with it. DS and I have slept over at their house together, but he's never mentioned staying with them. My parents also both work, even on the weekends, so that complicates things even more.


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## polka hop (Dec 23, 2003)

*


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## ibex67 (Feb 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *riotkrrn*
I would never suggest leaving one's child with anyone, grandparent or not, with whom one did not feel completely comfortable. But, in and of itself, a grandparent's invitation for a child to spend the night is not some terrible thing.

Very well said and to the point.


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## EStraiton (Sep 6, 2005)

I'm having trouble with my dd wanting to go to MIL's house too much!







MIL lives 1/2 mile away and is very very helpful to me... she is here often and her and my middle dd have a unique bond. She brings dd to and from preschool on the days I am working from home and almost always dd asks to spend the night. I'm ok with every other weekend or so but if it were up to MIL it would be a few nights/week which I feel is WAY too much. The only negative that I really have trouble with is that dd has a hard time transitioning back home after a stay with grammy... very sensitive, irritable and emotional for a day or so. But at grammy's house she is treated like a princess. And that will be a nice memory to have when she is older.


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## monocyte (Jun 17, 2004)

Funny, this just came up in our house.

DS (just turned 3) was begging to "sleep with Nana and Papa" this weekend. They stopped over our house, and he was crying as they were leaving - the live close to us, about 20 min, and we see them at least a few times a week. He has slept over their house many times before, with me, but never alone.

So, after discussing that "mama and daddy wouldnt be there, are you sure you still want to go?? and mama wont be there in the morning for nursies...etc etc" we sent him, fully expecting the call at 3 am. But it never came.

When he came home the next afternoon, I learned that my mother slept with him







(we were booted out of the family bed at 6 months) and that he wants to sleep over again!!!

Suprisingly, I think he was more ready than us.


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

I just got off the phone with my g'ma. Thanks everybody!

I have such wonderful memories of spending overnights at my g'parents throughout my childhood. I was lucky to have attached parents and grandparents. I visited my other g'parents but I don't think I ever did an overnight alone there.

My older son does sleep over my mom's house often. Probably 2 or 3 overnights a month. He loves it. One time we were saying goodnight on the phone and he asked to come home. He was home within 30 minutes. Otherwise, he mostly won't even stop to say hi on the phone because he is very busy having fun. Ds2 still has a long time to go before he leaves the house at night, but that is more his nature.

I am a very attached mom to my kids. My mom is an attached g'ma I guess.


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## Daphnes_mama (Sep 12, 2003)

My daughter is spending tonight at DH's parents' house and will be there until Friday. She has not been away from me much in her short life. Her first night away was when she was 2.5. We left her over night with DH's parents while we had a night alone. Then, a year later, she spent three nights with them. That was last year. Tonight marks the third visit.

I feel fine about DD visiting her grandparents, but I do feel like long visits are not for all kids. I also think they are hard for small kids, which is why DD's visits have been only a few. Of course, my MIL doesn't understand this. When DH was four, they left him with his grandparents for THREE WEEKS while they went to Europe. Apparently, DH had lots of long visits with his grandparents. I am sure my inlaws feel a little denied, but the fact is, I don't care that much. What matters to me is that my daughter needs to be ready to visit more often and she has not been.

The funny thing is that MIL will never admit that DD misses me when she is there. She acts as if DD doesn't care about me at all ("She never mentions you when you aren't here". Gee, thanks). I think it is because MIL doesn't want me to worry, or maybe it is a control thing for her. Who knows. The thing is, I KNOW DD does miss me. She tells me so after the fact as she hugs me tight. In fact, last time I picked her up, she sobbed in my arms because she missed me so. If she hadn't BEGGED to go this time, I wouldn't have let her.

In April, DD spent four nights at our house with my mother and sister while I had my son and DH stayed with me at the hospital. It was very hard on her, partly because she was away from me and also because she was worried about me (I was very sick with pre-eclampsia). Of course, my mother was honest about it because she knows it is important for me to know these things.

It does seem like the inlaws want to play house with my child. However, I think it is ultimately a good thing for her to have a close relationship with them. They love her dearly and would do anything for her. I like to help foster that.


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

I can't wait for my ds to spend weekends with his Nana. I did leave him with her for 3 days/2 nights a couple months ago. I felt it was too early, but I really had no choice. (Had to go to NY to get sworn into the bar there, and couldn't afford 2 plane tickets.) The nights were very hard on them both, but they had a great time during the day. I hope soon he will be able to spend the night with her without the trauma.

She's pretty AP by nature and respects most of my parenting choices. I've told her she needs to be willing to co-sleep with him as long as he wants to, and she's fine with that.

When my sister was little my family lived near my mom's parents. My sister would frequently spend a week with them. As a result, she had a lot of special memories that I never had. And even though we moved further away when she was still very young, she always had a close relationship. I, on the other hand, never spent a night alone with them, though we visited every year, and never had a close relationship with them at all. My grandpa is dead and my grandma will die anyday now, and I regret not having that kind of relationship with them. My mom did not have a good relationship with them at all, but I think it's to her credit that she set that aside so my sister could bond with them. And she admits that her father was a horrible father but a wonderful grandpa, and she is grateful she got to see that side of him.

ETA of course if you're not comfortable with it they should respect that.


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## UptownZoo (May 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JamesMama*

I don't understand the need for grandparents to "Play House" with their grandkids.


OK, as a mama who's done having babies, I can tell ya' that I look forward like crazy to being a grandma and "playing house" with my grandkids. I won't pressure my kids for that (that, in my mind, is unfair and uncool), but I will let them know that, when they're ready (my kids and my grandkids), DH and I will enjoy some overnights.

My kids have awesome relationships with my folks (who live just a few blocks away) and I hope I have that with my own grandkids someday. It's not OK for them to pressure, but don't for a minute underestimate your parents' and in-laws love for your baby. Is it even conceivable that you would love James's baby less than you love James? I'm not saying that you should give in and do something that you're not ready to do. I wouldn't. Just that you maybe want to be more charitable in your responses to your parents and in-laws.


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## 20605 (Oct 11, 2004)

Yeah...my MIL started asking for overnights (actually "over weeks") because they live in MD and we used to live in NM, now IL...when dd was 2. We said no...she nursed until she was 4 so that was not going to happen. Also, we can't afford to fly her out there, then fly home, then fly out to get her again - and no way am I sending her by herself.

They just came for a visit to us in IL. MIL asked dd if she wanted to visit and dd said "With mom and dad?...if not...no, but thanks..."

I think that about covers it, no? BTW, she just turned 8.

Go with your gut - if it works for you and your kids, great, if not - don't let them pressure you into anything.


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## paschallraschalls (Jan 14, 2006)

What about when G-parents are 5 hours away. My DD #1 has expressed interest in staying with Nana and Grandy, but I fear sending DDs up there and then them wanting mommy or daddy and not being able to come home. I totally trust my parents!!!! They are great with my children, love them to death, and respect our wishes!! The girls are in love with them too!!!! I wouldn't have a problem sending them if my parents were just across town but I just don't want to put them in a situation that they need me and I am not there. Any ideas in overcoming this concern of mine?? DD #1 would go in a heartbeat, and I think would _probably_ do ok overnight, but how do you know before they are in the position of being so far from home? My DH's mother lives next door and has never expressed the wish to keep the girls overnight. The girls love her to death too, but she stays so busy that they don't spend lots of time with her. So they have never really been away for more than a few hours and that is even rare. So for children who are so used to being with their parents, how do you know when they are really ready? Thanks mamas!!!


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## mahogny (Oct 16, 2003)

My DS had his first overnight with IL's when he was 20 months. He did very well, slept in their bed, and didn't even notice me when I went to pick him up. (Mom? Mom who?







)

He had a few more overnights here and there (like for DH's and my anniversary, etc) but then when DD was born, DS stayed at Nana's for 3 days. He was almost 3 1/2 and he had a blast.

MIL lets my kids watch too much TV, and feeds them too much processed food, but I guess I'm laid back about that stuff during visits to Nana's. She is a FABULOUS grandmother, and will always take time out to be with the kids. (Unlike my own mother, but that's a different thread.







) She takes an active interest in her grandkids' lives, and goes out of her way to be a large part of it. (Driving 30 minutes just to watch my son have his first swimming lesson, for example.) I would never send the kids overnight to my mom's house, as the kids don't know her. But Nana lives close by, and sees the kids very very often.

DD has never spent the night there (she's only 15 mos) but my son always has a blast. (Probably b/c she lets him watch TV and eat popsicles!







)


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## arimama (Feb 13, 2004)

My ds has done overnights with my mom and step-dad since he was about two. When he was little my mom coslept with him. Now he has a little fold out bed in their room.
He is almost 4 and does an overnight a least once a month, and he sees them at least once a week otherwise.They are important people to him and he loves being with them.
Having them so involved does have its drawbacks sometimes. Like they give him crappy food sometimes and he watches tv, blah blah. We have to remind them often of the things that are important to us. I have also learned to let go of some stuff and focus on what's important.
I have seen threads like this before and I dont really understand. If the grandparents are decent people and your kids like being with them, why not?
The more loving people a child has in their life, the better imo.


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## ibex67 (Feb 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *arimama*
Having them so involved does have its drawbacks sometimes. Like they give him crappy food sometimes and he watches tv, blah blah. We have to remind them often of the things that are important to us. I have also learned to let go of some stuff and focus on what's important.
I have seen threads like this before and I dont really understand. If the grandparents are decent people and your kids like being with them, why not?
The more loving people a child has in their life, the better imo.

I agree completely. Both about letting go of some stuff and about having lots of decent loving people in a child's life.


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## Megali (Jun 2, 2006)

I agree with a pp who said it depends on the child, the parents, and the grandparents involved.

I first spent the night (for several weeks) at my Gran's house out of necessity when I was three years old. At the time my family lived in a suburb of New York City and my Gran lived in a suburb of Philadelphia. My sister had a near-fatal respiratory condition and was admitted to the hospital. My mother spent all of her time in the hospital and my father traveled for work. There was no one else to go to. I actually had a fantastic time and don't think of the experience as when my sister nearly died and my parents sent me away, but rather, as the time when I learned to love reading (Gran and I would walk to the library every day and take out 10 books at a time) and developed a close bond with my grandmother.

What was different in our scenario is that my Gran was very involved in our lives. Shortly after my sister was released from the hospital, my family moved to the same town my Gran lived in. From that point on until her death, my grandmother spent overnights at our house and we at hers at least monthly. She also took us kids on vacation without my parents.

I'm pregnant now and my in-laws and parents seem to be pretty respectful of the type of parents my husband and I want to be. As long as they continue to respect our choices, I'm very eager for our son to spend overnights with his grandparents. However, that will not be happening until I'm done nursing.


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## momtoTnT (Dec 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JamesMama*
Anyone else dealing with this? How do you deal? Say NO to overnights till the child is old enough to request it? How do you deal if they decide at midnight that that whole overnight idea was a BAD idea and they wanna come home?

Thanks.

I don't think you are weird or mean at all. We also are in the same boat - but it is my sister that wants my kids overnight.

We've made it quite clear that they won't be doing overnights until they are old enough to ask (probably around 5-6) unless absolutely neccessary. I don't want to put my kids through the unneccessary separation from us, I don't want the caregiver to go through undue stress because my dd won't sleep, and I don't want to have to stop whatever "fun" activity I'm doing to go pick up the kids in the middle of the night.

On the flip side, before we had kids, we used to take my sister's kids all the time overnight. There were usually no problems - we accepted the fact that we would probably not get as much sleep as we were used to having kids in our bed when we had no experience with that etc. There WERE times when I had to call my sister at 11 or 12 o'clock and request that she come get them though - mostly because my niece or nephew would be freaking out (understandably) and want their mom/dad. More often than not, it was fine, but when it wasn't fine.....it was really bad.







My sister would get really upset about having to come get the kids etc.


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## goosysmom (May 28, 2005)

My dd is 2 and we haven't done overnights at Grandma's yet bc grandma won't safety proof part of her house....she refuses to buy (and we offered to buy for her) the stair gates for iron railings and just pushes a tradition gate through the rails at the top and bottom but dd can move them and she's already fallen down the stairs a few months back and mom didn't understand why I was so upset....(i ran to the basement to get something for her).....She thinks that if she smokes 10 feet away from her that the smoke won't bother dd but dd comes home reeking of it and it's just gross....LOL (How did I make it as a bartender for 10 years...LMAO..).....I know mom would love for dd to come and stay the night but not right now....esp when we only live 8 minutes from her and she won't come and see her ever at our house except for her birthday party....

When she's old enough to ask, she can go over bc she'll be able to get down and up the stairs and into another room when she smokes (dd doesn't like it...says stinky grandma)


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## kfowler (Jun 7, 2006)

My mil keeps threatening to buy a crib so that Jack can "spend the night at Nana's house". Jack is only 7 weeks old and I hate to break it to "nana", but it'll be a long time before she gets to keep him at her house, much less overnight. For me, a large part of it is that Jack is far too young for overnight stays yet but another large part of it is my inlaws. They aren't the cleanest people, nor are they careful. Just a month or two ago, my fil was telling me a story about dropping one of his heart pills on the floor. He said he looked for it for a few seconds and couldn't find it so he just left it there. Then later that day he found his chihuahua chewing on the pill. That could have been my son that found that pill and had it in his mouth and it could have been fatal, all because fil is too darn lazy to bend down and look for the darn thing. And then there's the issue of their dog who is NOT potty trained. My il's have a bath mat in their hallway where they allow the dog to potty. Apparently they don't know that even tiny dog poop looks appetizing to a young baby who might be crawling around and happen upon it. And they expect me to leave my son in their care? Sorry but h-e-double hockey sticks NO!! LOL

I think you have every right to refuse overnight visits. Like you, unless the parents have to be away overnight and aren't able to take the child with them, then I see no need whatsoever why overnight visits are necessary (unless both parties just want to do it). As long as you aren't denying them visitation totally, I think the grandparents should be okay with no overnight visitation. JMHO.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

My kids have really enjoyed having overnights at their grandpa's house. I think it has helped to forge a special bond between them. My dad adores them, and they have so much fun staying up late, playing cards, or watching a movie with him. My ILs on the other hand are not all that interested in having kids around without me or dh there. The relationship the kids have with ILs is worlds different than the one they have with my dad. When we are with my dad, the kids go to him--ask him questions, talk to him, make requests--even when I'm there. When we are at the ILs the kids always come to me. They don't bother asking g'ma for a drink of water. They love her, but they just don't feel _at home_ in her house. I wish my ILs were enthusiastic grandparents that loved to have their grandchildren overnight so that they could play with them. What a great thing for a child to feel that kind of love from a grandparent!

Of course, I'm not talking about babies here. Kids shouldn't have to do overnights away from home unless they *want* to. My kids are always begging for overnights.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

We just did our first overnight with the grandparents and dd is just over 2. We were all staying in a hotel in two different rooms. The first night dd kept asking to go to Grandma and Grandpa's room all night long, so the second night, she stayed with them. It was great because if she needed to come back to our room in the middle of the night it was right there. I nursed her to sleep and although she nurses a couple times during the night at home, my mom offered her fruit and stuff in their room when she woke up. She stayed in Gma and Gpa's room happily and came to ours for breakfast the next morning. She slept a lot the next day. I don't think she slept that soundly co-sleeping with grandma, but it was fine for one night.

I think doing this with a hotel or with mom and dad in another room at the grandparent's house makes a great deal of sense for getting the child used to it. I always figured she'd have to be weaned before overnights would work, but apparently not, if I time it right. Bedtime to breakfast time worked great.


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## mightymoo (Dec 6, 2003)

I am looking forward to the day they can do an overnight and DH and I can get a chance to take a break and be just us for a couple days. I don't see that happening for another 6-12 months, maybe, it depends on DS's temperment. DD would be fine with it.

DD has only been away from us overnight when DS was born, but it was in her own house, but she did fine.


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## witchbaby (Apr 17, 2003)

k did her first overnight with my parents when she was about 19 months old. i was expecting m and we wanted k to be okay with being away from us overnight before his birth. she never had any trouble, which was good, as we ended up with a hospital transfer and she stayed with my parents for 2 nights! now she spends the night once a week or every 2 weeks. whenever her other grandparents are in town, she has a slumber party with them at their hotel and loves it! we're going to visit them this weekend and she'll actually be staying with them when we leave on monday and come back to town on wednesday.
growing up, i only had one set of grandparents and i only saw them rarely-- from the ages of 9 to 13, i didn't see them at all! i feel really sad i never had a relationship with them and am glad my kids are going to get to spend a lot of time with their grandparents.


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## veganf (Dec 12, 2005)

The grandmothers haven't asked this, but my SIL has repeatedly asked when the boys will be coming for a sleepover...they're 2 and 3!!?! She keeps saying how the youngest was going for sleepovers at his older half-brother's house by their age.
I just keep saying that I don't think that will happen for quite a while. I mean, I was probably 8 before I slept over anywhere without a parent, and my niece had her first sleepover at age 11 and still called my sister half-way through the evening wanting to come home.
I don't think it's noraml for children to be expected to be without a parent overnight at such young ages, IMO.

- Krista


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## ExuberantDaffodil (May 22, 2005)

I absolutely trust my mom. She watches ds while I work, and the two have a super close relationship. Ds is two now, and he still has not had an over night with his nana without me, mostly due to the fact that he is still nursing.

On another note, eventually ds will have overnights with his biodad, and I was thinking that I would let ds go spend the night with his nana a few times just to get him used to being away from me at night, but with someone he knows, trusts, and has a close relationship with. I'm hoping this will help him transistion. I'm not sure when overnights with ds's dad will start, but I do know it won't be for a long while, so there are no plans.

My mom doesn't have to have ds overnight in order to have a splendid relationship with him. She is directly involved in his life, feeds him, clothes him, plays with him, takes him places - and then at night he and I snuggle together.


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## Best Feeling (May 11, 2005)

I agree with the PP who said that it depends on the individuals involved: the kids (most importantly), the parents, and the grandparents.

My mom is super close to my girls and she's watched them overnight quite a few times. She co-sleeps with them, is very gentle, and an amazing grandma all around. She spends a lot of time with them though, not just overnights.

However, if I didn't trust my mom implicitly, I wouldn't think twice about saying no.

I wouldn't let my MIL spend ANY unsupervised time with DDs when they were babies. She rarely saw them anyway and just wasn't the least bit nurturing or warm towards them when she did. I guess she just wasn't a baby person because she is great with the girls now that they are a bit more "interactive."

I'd trust MIL to spend awake time with the girls now that they aren't babies but I wouldn't leave them overnight with her yet unless FIL was with her. They live out of state so this has never been nor will it ever be an issue...I'm just sayin'


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *veganf*
The grandmothers haven't asked this, but my SIL has repeatedly asked when the boys will be coming for a sleepover...they're 2 and 3!!?! She keeps saying how the youngest was going for sleepovers at his older half-brother's house by their age.
I just keep saying that I don't think that will happen for quite a while. I mean, I was probably 8 before I slept over anywhere without a parent, and my niece had her first sleepover at age 11 and still called my sister half-way through the evening wanting to come home.
I don't think it's noraml for children to be expected to be without a parent overnight at such young ages, IMO.

- Krista

"Normal" is a very subjective term. In many cultures, it is "normal" for kids to be primarily raised by their grandparents, with the parents coming through only on weekends, or less. Those folks would find this discussion very, very strange.


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