# It's been a year since Stella died.



## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

Hi there,
I haven't posted here much in recent months, but I do read most posts and really feel connected to all of you. I find myself always checking this board, I think I always will.

Anyway, Stella died the week before Christmas a year ago. That's been difficult, mostly because no one remembers her- her life or her death it seems. ( I actually think they do remember, but don't want to talk about her because maybe they think I've forgotten and they don't want to remind me).

This past week my son was holding Stella's memorial statue on the patio and he accidentally dropped it. The head came off and rolled away- I had a hard time finding it). He burst into tears saying "mama, pretty, broke." I cried and cried, we both cried, holding each other. What crappy timing- the week she died!

Now I don't know what to do about the statue-- do I repair it or replace it? Apparently this one isn't made very well and could break more in the future and won't look right after it's glued. But another one might feel like replacing my broken baby, which of course, I would never dream of. Maybe I should just consider the flaw a symbol of Stella's death. But, she was born perfectly intact, perfectly peaceful, without flaw. Any thoughts, ideas? Has something like this happened to someone else?

On a happier note, I got a beautiful Christmas angel ornament for the tree- it's gold, and it's an agel holding stars. Her name and birthday (2-24-02) is engraved on it. So special. I need to get one for the baby I lost in 1998. Somehow I never did anything for him, Timothy is his name, I think because I had a D&C. He never really seemed like a baby to me. But we did honor him in Stella's burial service and so now I want to include him on our tree as well.

I also just planted tulip bulbs where Stella is buried. I placed white tulips in her grave when she was buried and laid some on top. In the cold weather they lasted a long time, looking very pretty. I will be so happy to see these come up.

I'm just rambling. I thnk just wanting to connect with you women.
Take care,
Sarah


----------



## simonee (Nov 21, 2001)

Dear Sarah,
I don't know what to say, just want to hug you.
























What a difficult time this must be for you. And what a wonderful mama you are for not getting very angry when your son broke the statue. As to what to do... Does your heart point you in a direction? I can imagine (not really, I know







) that replacing it could make you feel like you'd be replacing Stella, while not replacing it could give you the feeling that you would "leave her broken." That must be a very hard decision.

On the other hand, either option also can be interpreted in a positive way, of course. Replacing it would maybe signify that she always deserves an unbroken statue, and not replacing it that she is always perfect no matter how much glue the statue needs. I'm sure your heart will guide you somewhere.

Or how about two statues? Maybe your son wants to honor her in a special, personal way?

And I think it's lovely that you want to get something for Timothy. Isn't it beautiful that you do these things when you're ready?

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit. I just really really feel for you. I can't imagine the heartbreak. I hope you will be able to make a decision, and I hope the tulips will have a touch of the beauty that Stella had.


----------



## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been heartwrenching to see the statue broken..I am not sure what I would do in such a situation...I think I would try and repair the statue. I am a pretty sentimental type and it would be really hard on the emotions to replace the original statue.

Perhaps allow your son to pick new a statue for her memorial and keep the original for your personal things in your room. So you and he have the satisfaction of having an intact statue on the memorial but you can still keep the original. I think that would feel less like replacing and more like repairing for your boy..

It as so good of you not to be upset with your son..poor little guy


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Happy Birthday to Stella. I wish you were planning a party right now.

The first year anniversary is always so odd. We feel like it was just yesterday - has it really been a YEAR? We wonder why we still feel so sad? Sarah, it's very normal, let yourself cry and feel.

I buy an ornament every year for Amanda and put her name on it. The kids enjoy putting their 'sisters' ornaments on the tree. I also buy one with butterflies each year to honor my miscarried babies.

I think an ornament for Timmothy is a beauiful idea. When you look at the tree late at night when the kids are sleeping, it brings you a warm feeling.

simonee had some beautiful suggestions about the statue. We have so little left of our babies, it's hard when something like that happens - I can relate to your tears.

Ramble away, that's what we're here for!

Wishing you gentleness,

Jacque


----------



## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Sarah:

My heart goes out to you. I know how I would feel if my statue that represents Kevin was broken. I agree with Jacque--we have so little of our babies, we cling to what we do have. I am also planning on buying an angel ornament each year. Just this week, I also decided that each year our family will select a gift that we would have bought for Kevin, and then donate it to Toys for Tots. We were shopping the other day, and I had an overwhelming desire to buy a gift for my baby, so that's the solution we came up with.

I'm sure the first-year anniversary will be incredibly emotional. I am so sorry that those around you aren't talking about the anniversary of Stella's death with you. Do you think people would respond if you initiated the conversation? I'll be thinking of you...

Love,
Katherine


----------



## symbiosis (Dec 6, 2001)

s


----------



## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Katherine, you're still so close to your pain, but you share so freely with the women here. You truely have a beautiful heart. Kevin is still deep within you and always will be.

I love the toy idea! I may start that one myself. What a beautiful way to honor your baby. I make donations in Amanda's name to several organizations on her birthday.

Thinking of Stella, please talk about her all you need to here. This is a place of healing.

Much Gentleness,

Jacque


----------



## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

I'm so sorry about what happened. This is really a rough time of the year. I think the ornaments are a great idea.


----------



## moonglowmama (Jan 23, 2002)

God bless us, everyone. That's what comes to my mind when I read your responses.

I think I like the idea of keeping the broken one inside with us and buying a sturdier one with my son's and husband's input for her grave. I can see how that may help me when it comes time to move (eventually). I've thought about how hard it will be to leave this house for the simple fact that Thomas and Stella were both born here, in the same pink bathroom. And Thomas' placenta is buried under the same tree where we buried Stella.

Yes, it's been a year since she died, but her birth anniversary isn't until February. We will definantly do something special as a family to remember her, to feel happiness for her that she is in heaven. Time goes by so quickly.

I like the toy idea too. And it's good for children to learn to give, and it's a good way to allow yourelf to think about your babies in a positive way.

I always try to think of more ways to consider Stella, so that she is more than my miscarried baby. Because the truth is that she is so much more than that to me. Her life encouraged me to trust in God, in my body's abilities, in myself as a mother more than I imagined.

People are cordial when I talk about Stella, just very few of them actually consider what I'm saying or try to say something back. I feel they are just anxious to change the subject. But tonight at a friend's I was able to talk freely about her, and my friend asked me questions and was comfortable. What a gift!

Thanks again.
Sarah


----------

