# My Silent Angel Annabelle



## Jenabella (Jan 8, 2007)

Today is 5 weeks since I was induced and delivered my little girl Annabelle silently at 28w. I share this story with you for my own healing, but also for other women to know that they are not alone and the pain you feel is understood by others here.
Jenabella

Annabelle Gwen
This is my first post and one that I never thought I would write. It is 3:30am on Saturday morning and I am sitting at the computer while the rest of my family is sleeping soundly. There is pure silence in the house, but in my heart there is a loud, deep cry that will not stop. Here is my story:
My husband Rick and I have been married for 4 years. I am 29 and he is 33. We decided to wait to start a family until I finished my doctorate of clinical psychology. Due to hormone issues, I took Clomid for one month in May of this year. Suprisingly, the first month we tried, we got pregnant! We were so excited and I immediately began the process of getting ready for our baby. Morning sickness was not that bad, but when it was, I was thankful that my body was working to get ready. It was deemed that I was having a "normal" pregnancy and all my tests and ultrasounds came back normal. At my 20th week, we found out we were having a girl and named her Annabelle Gwen. At my 24th week appointment and 28th week appointment everything sounded and looked great. I had scheduled my first 2 week appointment. Following my last normal check up, I began to feel less kicking. Still movement, but the Friday after my last normal checkup, I realize now I felt the last kick of my little girl. Everyone told me that I was fine as long as I was feeling some movement. Over the weekend, I laid on my side and thought I felt her move. I breathed a sigh of relief, but somewhere in my head I knew something was wrong. On Monday, my husband was out of town and I called the doctor. The nurse told me I was fine, but I insisted on coming in for a heart check.
I still have the IM on my computer of the moment before I left to go to the doctor: 3:06pm I wrote to my husband: Going to get Annabelle's heart check. Just a quick nurse visit. I can't erase it. That was my last happy breathe of life.
I arrived at the doctor's office and was immediately taken to a room. The nurse could not find the heartbeat with the first doppler. She blamed it on the machine and said not to worry. She then could not find it with a second doppler. I began to panic and I wanted to call my husband. I did not want to be there. I did not want to lie there and be told this by myself. I did not think my body would contain the news. She continued to say not to worry as she rushed me to the ultrasound room. I laid still while the coldness of the gel overtook me. The nurse was silent as she manuevered over my belly. I would not look as I did not want to see my baby girl not moving. I looked up and saw her crying. I knew. I knew what no mother wants to know. My baby girl was already in heaven. The doctor came in and repeated test. I was told in a very formal tone that "there is no heartbeat and no movement. We are sorry, but your baby is dead". That was it. No explanation. Didn't they realize this was the worst moment of my life? Didn't they realize that my heart had just broken completely? Didn't they realize that Annabelle was my life?
I made the most difficult call of my life. My husband broke down on the phone and rushed to the airport to get home. I had never heard my husband moan in pain before that moment. My mother and father rushed to the office to get me. I sat in a chair while the doctor informed me of the procedure that would need to be performed the following day. I sat hearing her voice, but stuck in my body, stuck in the moment.
I did not sleep that night. My husband got home late and we laid in bed and held each other, held Annabelle in my belly. The grief was unbearable. I cried from the depths of my soul. I shook with grief. My life would forever be changed. I did not want to go on. I did not want to deliver my silent angel. I wanted to keep her in my belly, but I knew that she deserved to be delivered and held even it was only briefly by her parents.
The next day we arrived at the hospital. I was induced and spent the day tossing and turning. I heard other mother's cries of joy and little cries that were new to the world. But, my room was silent. My room was filled with tears and anger. My room was filled with the cries of labor, but not the cries of joy. I was close to seeing my little girl. I was given pain meds and had an epidural as my pain was excruciating. That afternoon, the doctor came in and said "we are fully dialated". It is time. My mom, sister, and dear husband lifted my legs to help bring Annabelle into the world and I pushed as best I could as I wanted this to be as smooth as possible for my little girl. I was surrounded by love and it gave me strength to endure this pain.
The words echo through my heart, "yep, the umbilical cord is short and it is wrapped around her neck". I cried in horror that my little girl had endured such an experience. I looked around and my loved ones were in awe at the beautiful little being. She was cleaned and placed in my arms. Oh what a sight to be seen. She was the most perfect little angel I have ever seen.
They took her away and dressed her in a adorable pink outfit. My whole family was there as they brought her in. This was overwhelming for me to see her dressed like a baby doll. She laid there silent, but I knew that her soul was with me in my heart. My family was able to say goodbye to her and then my husband and I laid with her on the bed as long as we we could. We cried deep penetrating cries. We were awed by how many features she had of us. My husbands feet and my cheeks. Oh what a beautiful little girl. Then I heard the words "it is time". My heart screamed "NO"..I cannot let go of my little girl. What a cruel thing to have to let go. This was the hardest moment in my life. How does one let go? How does one hand over an angel that had been part of you for 7 months? How does one let go of an angel when you know you will not see her again until heaven? No, my heart screamed, but I had to let go.
That was Tuesday night. It is now Saturday morning. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband and a wonderful support network of friends and family. My husband and I have spent the last few days loving each other, crying together, and trying to make movements toward some type of normalcy. I sit and mourn my daughter every second of the day, but others move on. I can't look at my body. Getting a shower is the hardest part of my day. I look down and see the belly that once was full of my little girl. I ache for it to be round and full again. No one told me that my body would not know that there was no Annabelle to suck the nourishment from my body. So, Wed. night I woke to milk flowing from my body. Oh the pain. Oh the pain of knowing that that was ment for Annabelle.
Everyone is watching me. Waiting for me to smile. Waiting for me to "snap out of it". Waiting for me to recognize that "it was for the best" and "you will have many more babies". NO. MY heart screams. I want the world to stop. I want my baby girl back. I don't want to move on. But, I know I will have to. I know I will have to find a way to love my little angel from afar, but not die from the pain. I know I need to cherish my marriage and not give up on having a family with my sweet, dear husband. I know I need to take care of myself and allow the grieving process to continue on. I know that some day my ache will slowly dwindle. But, my love for Annabelle will stay true and strong. She will be known to all as the daughter of Rick and Jen. She will be the light that I follow throughout my days. She will be the one I talk to when my nights are black. She will be my little girl always.
Thank you for letting me share my story. I hope my story will provide comfort to someone who has had this experience. I know for myself that reading others who have endured similar experiences makes me realize I am not alone. We are a special and neglected group of people who deserve to be listened to and heard. I pray for all of you and hope together we can grow through our loss.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

I don't usually visit this forum, but I read your story and I had to tell you how moved I am right now. I am covered in chills from head to toe and am filled with such sorrow for your loss and your pain. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers that you experience peace amidst such pain.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter.










Keri


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Annabelle


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's obvious your baby girl was loved tremendously.


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Annabelle. Your story is so similar to mine...I cried reading it knowing exactly what you were feeling and it also brought me back to my own loss. I lost my son Frankie on October 19th at 33weeks. It was also an umbilical cord accident. I was alone when I found out too and my husband was out of state and I had to make that same horrible phone call. I will never forget how he sounded. I have never heard such pain in someones voice before. It was the worst phone call I ever had to make. He then hopped on a plane and rushed to be with me to deliver our first son. I remember hearing and feeling all those things that you described when I was induced to deliver Frankie. It is just so unfair that we have to go through this.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I am thinking about you and know that you are not alone in your grief. If you ever want to talk, please PM me anytime. It really helped me to be able to talk to all the mamas here who had been through the same thing.








Annabelle


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us.
that pain is something we all share here, and it is horrific. i am so sorry you had to experience this loss.
your daughter is so loved! you are a wonderful mother to annabelle.

we lost our firstborn, our daughter, too. she also lives within my heart. she is my light, too. she has carried me through many many difficult days without her. thank you again for sharing your words here.


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## lactivist (Jun 14, 2005)

Thank you for sharing a little of your Annabelle with us. Your story is so moving and so painful. I am so sorry for your loss. Loving thoughts are with you.
Wendi


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Thank you for sharing your daughter Annabelle with us. We also lost our daughter to a cord accident at about 29w; our story is in my signature below. So much of what you wrote mirrors our experience, from making that terrible phone call to not being able to look at yourself in the mirror afterwards. I am so, so sorry for you and your husband. This group of women is a wonderful source of support and comfort. Sadly, there are many of us here. I found that when I looked too far out, the grief became even more overwhelming--I needed much smaller pieces to deal with it. Something that a friend shared with me was to take it one day at a time, and if that is to much, one hour, and if that is still too much, focus on the next minute or even just the next moment. Again, am so sorry.


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

Jenabella,
I am so sorry







You write beautifully and I found myself re-living the loss of my angel while I was reading as our story has some similarities. We lost our little girl due to a cord accident at 33 weeks. I wish that we didn't have these things in common. Thank you for sharing your story.








Annabelle


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

HUGE


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## Amris (Feb 27, 2006)

I am crying with you, dear one.

There are no words in the world that can comfort you. Please know that, if I could, I would.

Since I cannot, I add my tears to your own.


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## iamleabee (Jul 28, 2005)

thank you for sharing







. Annabelle


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

I am so sorry

Thank you for sharing Annabelle with us

tara


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## midstreammama (Feb 8, 2005)

i'm so sorry wishing you much love and light at this difficult time


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## blaqpearl (Nov 16, 2006)

I am crying with you. I lost my baby girl of 21 weeks over four weeks ago. The way you described your hospital room experience reminded me of what I went thru. The silence, the tears, the anger. I feel your pain. I miss my little belly. I miss the feeling of being pregnant. I miss my baby. I also felt the same way when I held her in my little arms dressed like a doll. I held her close. She had her daddy's nose. She was so beautiful.

Stay close to your hubby. You wil need each other for a long time to come. If I didnt have him by me, I dont know where I would be right now.

{{{HUGS}}}


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I am so sorry you are going through the tremendous pain that I know you are going through. I too lost my little girl due to a cord accident. May it help to know that there are many of us here to hold your hand through this painful time. I would love to hear more of her features, your pregnancy if you feel up to it and why you chose that beaurtiful name.


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## ILoveMySofie (May 28, 2005)

i am crying with you.


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## Jenabella (Jan 8, 2007)

Thank you all for posting to my story of Annabelle. It makes me so sad, but so comforted to know that there are women out there who completely understand where I am at right now. It makes me so sad that we are all here. I never was someone who posted before, but in this experience I have felt so misunderstood by most people in my life. And, after a long day of being misunderstood, it feels so comforting to get online and read your messages. I feel that even though I don't know you, we all really are in this together.

I am gearing up for another night. I hate nights. I wake up in a panic and cannot go back to sleep. I saw a new OB this week and am scheduled to go get bloodwork tomorrow. It is so weird how many things trigger flashbacks and feelings. When I went to the new OB on Monday, I walked in and before I could take a breathe my body clenched up. I stopped to figure out what was going on with me when I realized I was hearing a loud dopplar in another room. I don't know how I will ever be able to overcome that fear of hearing the dopplar. My body had reacted before I even realized what it was. This grief is so powerful. Does anyone else fear what is wrong with their body? I am not only grieving the loss of my child, but I feel that I live in dread and conjure up that I must have something wrong with me and therefore I won't be able to live my dream and become a mommy here on earth. Oh, I wish none of us had to go through this.

Well, I hope all of you get some rest tonight and please email or post when you can!
Hugs,
Jenabella


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## geck_07 (Jun 14, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss Your daughter sounds like such a beautiful angel. Like the pp, it brings me back to my own loss. I lost my Ava at 37 weeks from a cord accident also and even though it's been 8 months, sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. I can't stop crying for myself, for you, and for everyone else who has been through this. Take good care of yourself, Annabelle would want you to.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

So, so sorry for your family. Thank you for sharing Anabelle with us.

Wishing peace for you.


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## Mindi22 (Jun 28, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. You write so well and convey your experiences with such depth that I feel like I was there. I'm so sorry for you and your family.

-Mindi


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