# Alternatives to "good girl!" and "good job"



## mrsfrenchy (Apr 14, 2008)

I find phrases like "good girl/boy!" and "good job" really annoying. My family uses them a lot after DD (12months) does stuff like figuring out how stack a toy or listening when they tell her to stop pinching, etc.

Now, it's not the worst thing in the world that could be said to her, but I find it bothers me because she's a "good girl" whether she stacks the toy correctly or not, you know?

My issue is that I use phrases like "wow, that was great stacking!" or "you're so gentle! your hugging was so nice!" all the time. These don't rub me the same way as a blanket statement of "good girl"

But I'm wondering if they're really all that different.
For those of you that make an effort to not say "good girl/boy", do you think that replacing it with a phrase like "how nice!" or "what a nice hug!" is just more of the same?


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## SparklingGemini (Jan 3, 2008)

I personally don't like the phrases "good girl/boy" because it lends the thought that they are sometimes bad. I truly believe no child is bad.









We use a lot of specific statements of fact and accomplishment; "You set the table!", "I see big circles and purple lines on your picture!!", "WOW! You're upside down!!!" and so on.

But yes, of course I end up giving genuine compliments to DD. And I really think there's no harm and that its the genuinity that makes it so. "Aww! Baby girl! That was the sweetest hug! What a love you are!!!"

Am I making any sense?


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## chicaalegre (Sep 19, 2006)

I don't like the use of those phrases either, for the same reasons--it says to me that one's behavior affects one's overall worth and value as a person, which I don't believe to be true. It also strikes me as somewhat coercive, because it inevitably has the person vying for this type of generic, nonspecific reinforcement but is so vague that one is always guessing at how to get it. I like specific observations, like "You jumped really high!" or "Your picture has lots of different colors!" that give specific feedback, let kiddo know you're paying attention and isn't linked to a judgment of good or bad.

But of course, sometimes I praise my daughter and say Good Job. Sometimes I'm more generic when I'm tired or distracted.

I was talking to my mom the other day about this issue and she said that she tried the same thing with us as kids (there are four of us, over a span of 8 years), to focus on observing behavior and not using language that passed judgment on whether we were "good" or "bad." She said that, as much as she tried, we still came away with distinct feelings of approval or disapproval, and that we weren't really able to understand the subtleties of the language she used.

So that leaves me thinking that we just do the best we can and hope that our overall message gets taught and that our kids know that we love them and that they are valuable people. Kids will often interpret what they want, or simplify things and think very concretely about things we might intend differently than they hear it.


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## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

I picked up "Well done" while I was in Britain. I like it.


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## momofPL (Nov 12, 2008)

I agree that I do not like to use those phrases either. I do not use them at home or in my classroom. I try to praise the action not the person. I also try to praise the decision making for the child. I often say, "that was good thinking." I have done things the other way too. I don't like that you did...that made me feel...My son and I have many discussions about this when the reaction is negative. I try to let him know it is the action I don't like not him. He even said to me, "you mean that you love me when I am naughty?" His face was priceless when I said yes.

There are times when he feels bad about himself when I say, "I don't like that you..." I wonder if that means he is thinking about his choice, disappointed in what he has done and showing remorse. I worry when they have no reaction whatsoever.


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## Evelynmia'smom (Mar 8, 2009)

I'm thankful for this thread...this is something I've been trying to work with. I find it really challenging to change the "script" in my head from how I was raised. One phrase I've been using instead of good girl is "wow, you are working really hard to walk, talk etc."


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## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

We use a lot of observation - "I saw you jump - that looked like fun!" "Wow, that's a lot of blue circles you drew!" ask questions, "Did you stack those blocks by yourself?" "Can you show me that again?" and expressions of gratitude, "Thanks for handing me all that silverware. I love it when you help me with the dishes," "Thanks for the awesome hug. You give great hugs!"

And I often just say "Yay! for pee pee in the potty," because that's honestly how I feel every single time it goes in the potty and NOT on the floor.









Our son's favorite thing to say to himself when he completes a task (which he picked up from a Potty Train DVD














is, "Good job, Max," which always sort of cracks us up and makes us cringe at the same time...but now he's added in, "Wow. Amazing," as another phrase of self-congratulation.


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

"Yay!"
"Thank you" or "Thank you for holding still while I pull your pants on," to genuinely thank him and be specific about what behavior I want him to continue.
"good eyes" (after he points out a plane or, at the fair last night, a balloon floating in the sky)
"You're jumping!" (Or, just "Jumping!" to share in his delight)
"You like sliding!" (again, to share in his delight if he looks to me while doing something. If he doesn't look to me, I don't interfere with a descriptor of his behavior. Mainstream parents (and grandparents and others) butt in here with "good job!" or other verbal dribble.)
"Fun!"


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## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

Yeah, I'd love to always be able to come up with something original, but I am one of those people who uses catch phrases alot... So lately mine are "you did it!" "you got it!" "allllrrrrriiiiggghhhht!" or "high five!" I like "well done" I shall have to add it to the list. I do find myself saying "good job" or "good girl" sometimes, though. I guess it's one of those things that just slip in there.


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## justthinkn (Apr 11, 2008)

Thanks for...
Hey, you [what she did]!
Wow, look at that [whatever she did]! Tell me more about...
You are having so much fun [whatever she's doing]!
I bet it felt good to...

"Good job" still slips out at times, esp. from DH - that's certainly what DD tells herself a lot! Luckily, I'm not aiming for perfection, but improvement


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## Aubergine68 (Jan 25, 2008)

I agree that the genuineness of the emotion is the important part. I don't worry so much about the words.

I say a lot of "thank-yous" when I feel gratititude or "Wow" and "I'm impressed that...." when I genuinely feel that way.


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## mizznicole (Feb 13, 2007)

MIL uses the phrase, "I like the way you (fill in the blank)." It might be a Montessori thing.

Honestly I don't think the words themselves are damaging. It's more important to make sure the child is doing XYZ for the sake of the thing, and not the sake of praise.


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## kiwiva (Apr 17, 2006)

"Good job" is so so overused it is absolutely ridiculous. Being around my parents or 6 yo neice drives me absolutely insane. "Good job sitting in your carseat," and "good job drinking your water" were said by my neice recently (DD is almost 3).







:

I think the examples you gave are somewhat similar to "good job." By saying "great stacking" you are still judging the action, though it is an improvement on "good job" which is completely lacking in information. I think eventually when they are getting this sort of feedback they begin to rely on external judgement on whatever they are doing.

I think it helps to ask yourself if you are describing or judging when you comment. "Look at those pink circles" (DD was just drawing) or "that is a tall tower" are better bc DD is not getting judgement from you, but you are sharing in her experience.

I think it is fine to judge sometimes- "great picture!", if it is how you really feel, rather than trying to reinforce particular behaviors from them.

Read Unconditional Parenting if you are interested in this. He can be a bit out there for some, but it will really give you a lot to think about.


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## Snuzzmom (Feb 6, 2008)

We say "You did it!" and then he usually says, "Yeah!! I did!" and gets a huge smile on his face.

I also try to be specific about what he did, like, "You drew a circle!" or, "You climbed the ladder all by yourself!" And let him make his own value judgement about his actions.

Still... we must say it more than we realize, because DH or I will do something and DS will clap and say, "Good job, Dad!"


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## rightkindofme (Apr 14, 2008)

When she does something smart that surprises me I say, "Clever girl!" I'm a big fan of "Yay!!!" Yay is said 50+ times a day in our household and that was true before we had a kid.







I try really hard not to tell her that she was good because I also don't want to fall into the good/bad issue but I do spend a lot of time talking to her about being polite. It's impolite to scream in a small enclosed space where people can't get away from you. It is polite to use our restaurant manners. It is polite to share. It is polite to follow directions. Thus when she is 'naughty' she hears, "Wow. That wasn't very polite. Let's try that again."

It is working for us at this point. Let's see how it goes when she talks more.









(So far I have managed to keep 'no' out of her vocabulary! We don't say it to her and she doesn't say it to us. Instead we say "Please stop" and she just says "stop". It's good enough for a 14 month old.







)


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

I posted earlier up-thread.

I don't like "good job." I endorse Kohn, (even used his work in my teaching).

But, in the middle of the night last night, I realized that there is one time that I will "good job" my son. When he sits still through his nebulizer treatment. It IS a good job and accomplishment for a 21-mo-old to sit completely still for 5 minutes when he isn't feeling well and just wants to thrash around and fuss. I don't mind judging his behavior at that point.

More often, though, I will say, "You sat still for daddy and now you feel better." (Daddy usually does the holding for the treatments.)


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I don't mean to hijack, but this is somewhat related... I don't say "Good boy!" when DS does something like stacking blocks or whatever, but I do thank him for "being good" when we've been out and he's been very cooperative. I talk to him from the car to the house, saying things like "Thank you for being so good in the store. I know how hungry/wet/tired you are, and we'll go inside now and eat/change/nap." "You really helped mommy by being so good the whole morning..." Is that not er, good? I try to use the word "cooperate" more ("Thank you for cooperating"), but he's so little that I know he really doesn't understand.


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## henny penny (Mar 26, 2008)

We say "Well done" when ds is seeking some real recognition. Sometimes I'll add "You look so proud!" Mostly we just enthusiastically describe what we see ds doing, like "I see you climbing onto the bench!". I think most of the time he just wants to be seen accomplishing something new, so no praise phrases are needed. Mothering has a great article "The Hidden Price of Too Much Praise" available as a reprint.
eta: Generally we don't comment much unless he is showing us a "new thing" directly. We just try to stay out of the way and let him experience success his own way.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

i try to keep it in perspective. to me, saying good girl is not something i am comfortable with, but it's also not even close to the worst thing i can imagine...so i tolerate it in others just fine.

i don't really do the "nice stacking" thing either. i mostly stick to stuff like, "thank you"--if it's something that's helpful to me, like throwing trash in the trash can--"yay!," "there you go," or "you did it!"


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## mamakaikai (Apr 17, 2009)

I say this a bunch "Thank you!!" I also say "Good Work" because sometimes she does work hard to get something done.

Also lots of Yeah!! Hurray! Bravo!!Well done! Look at you!

But, I also don't overly do the compliments for things I think she should do without special complement. Some behaviours, I think, should be part of everyday expected behaviour and taken for granted sans reward other than social acceptance. If that makes sense.


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## jacie87 (Jan 17, 2009)

I don't like "good girl" or "good boy" but I do use "good job" on occasion. I give detailed praise as well and a lot of "yay!"s. It mostly depends what the praise is for. I try to focus praise on efforts more than accomplishments. If DD sits on the potty, we'll clap our hands and get excited about it whether she actually uses it or not.


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## lisavark (Oct 27, 2007)

I do the observation thing a lot (wow, you're riding your horse! Is that fun?), but if it's something that's helpful to me, like getting in the car seat or going potty, I say, "All right!" or "There!" Both of which DD now says *constantly*.







I also say thank you, of course, but only if she's done something for me, like bring me my shoes.


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## crunchymamatobe (Jul 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swd12422* 
...I do thank him for "being good" when we've been out and he's been very cooperative. I talk to him from the car to the house, saying things like "Thank you for being so good in the store. I know how hungry/wet/tired you are, and we'll go inside now and eat/change/nap." "You really helped mommy by being so good the whole morning..." Is that not er, good? I try to use the word "cooperate" more ("Thank you for cooperating"), but he's so little that I know he really doesn't understand.

I use "patient" in these situations. I don't know how much my toddler understands that, but I do try to elaborate, as you do. "Thank you for being so patient while we XYZ. That's really helpful to mama."

"Good boy" drives me bonkers. You say that to a dog!

We try to use statements like "Wow! Look at those circles you drew!" or "You picked up the toys, thank you! That's great!"

But I do find myself using "clever boy" a lot more than I probably should. Recently I was getting DS and myself ready for a bath (together) and he said, "You took your clothes off all by yourself! Clever mama!" Ha!


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

I also don't really like 'good boy' it sounds like I'm talking to a dog. Hes always a 'good boy' not just when he potties! (or whatever)

I do use 'good job' and 'yeah!' Other then generic, I don't see the harm.

My DS is 3 months, so its more about the excitement for me and less about the words


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## tarasattva (Feb 6, 2009)

I third the reccomendation for Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting. It really helped me to think through why I worry about praise and gave me some useful arguments to use with others when trying to describe my point of view.

As an adult I recognize that I depend very strongly on external validation. In order for me to feel proud of an accomplishment I need for someone else to recognize it. I struggle with a similar issue around needing to have my feeling validated - I always feel the need to describe in detail something that has happened so that I can have someone else say "yes, you're entitled to be mad".

These are the things I am hoping to avoid for my daughter.


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## mommy2naomi (Jun 4, 2007)

We say "great job" a lot when they're struggling and accomplish their task.


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## Masel (Apr 14, 2008)

Lately I've been saying sehr gut (very good) in the same goofy accent my old german teacher used to use - zaihr GUUT!
This is more for general goodness. Otherwise I try to be specific with praise or thanks. "Thank you for putting your shoes away."


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## genifer (Feb 19, 2006)

Ya know, I know some have said they dont like 'good girl/boy' but once I said it to my dd when she was a toddler and a woman stopped me and said 'It sounded like you really meant that!' In fact I said 'You are SUCH a good girl' and it was for no paritcular reason, I just told them I thought they were lovely, good, and wonderful to be around all the time! I know some said it implies they are sometimes bad, but I never said it like that. Another thing I always say to this day is 'You are so wonderful!' 'You are SO special' or if they've done a good job I say 'That is wonderful!!' or if they've been struggling and accomplished something like someone mentioned, Id say 'That is AWESOME!!' Whenever I said to my kids, whatever it was I was always genuine, honest and encouraging. It sounds wierd, or reads wierd writing it out like this, but its all genuine! i do think my kids are wonderful







.


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## LuxPerpetua (Dec 17, 2003)

"Thank you for doing xyz. That was really helpful!"

"Yay! Check out your climbing. That's really high!"

"Ooh, I think that is really neat/awesome/cool. What do you think?"

I try to be as genuine as possible with whatever I say. I don't think honest praise is wrong but just the manipulative kind (e.g., I say "good job" so you'll repeat that behavior).

I can't stand "good job" either. It just seems so programmed when most parents say it. I wouldn't be surprised to hear some vacantly smiling mama say, "Good job breathing there, kiddo!".


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## JennTheMomma (Jun 19, 2008)

I use "I'm proud of you" a lot, even if he tries but doesnt' get it right.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

We've always praised the action rather than the child too, or tried to, since birth. My mom was visiting when DS was about 3 and she told him, "Good boy!" for something and he got horribly upset and said "Don't say that! I'm not a dog!"

It's tough, though. I don't mean to hijack, but I have a hard time understanding Alfie Kohn. I love Karen Pryor and her attitude towards behavior modification, so I will say things like "You waited so patiently, etc" thinking that I was being correct in reinforcing behavior. But if I understand Kohn (and maybe I don't, please correct me if so), I am manipulating my child, which of course is negative. But if I never tell him "thank you for sharing with your baby brother", how do I encourage it? Or is some manipulation ok?


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## treehugginhippie (Nov 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *justthinkn* 
Thanks for...
Hey, you [what she did]!
Wow, look at that [whatever she did]! Tell me more about...
You are having so much fun [whatever she's doing]!
I bet it felt good to...

This is what I do too. I was a HUGE people pleaser as a kid







...don't want to do that to my kids. It's about them...not me...(using "you" and not "I"). I want them to be proud of what they did themselves...not to do them cause they're going to hear that now they are "good".


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## Jess_n'_the_bean (May 12, 2006)

we use many of the same encouragers as previous posters, and:

- that's the way!
- great trying - it was tricky at first but you kept trying and you did it all by yourself (we like to stress the 'journey' rather than the destination!)
- we say 'i'm proud of you' a lot, followed by what specifically we are proud of (yesterday, 'i'm proud of you for doing your first poop in the potty. You are doing a great job learning!')
- i like how you did a,b,c....
-you figured it out on your own - nice work!


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## jennpn (Jul 30, 2009)

I suppose I use these phrases sometimes. I want Ben (23 months) to identify himself with positive traits and overall as a "good boy" I do say to him "your mommy's good boy" if he does something kind or generous...but I also tell him the actions that make it "good" such as "Your such a good boy! I love the way you shared your grapes". or whatever. It is not ALL I ever say and try to find trait specific things he has done "you are being really patient, you are being a good friend by sharing" and on and on. I don't think using an umbrella term such as "generally good" is negative when alternativly we never tell him he is "bad". He IS a very good boy, all the things that make that up come up but sometimes he is just overall being a good boy, and I tell him so. If this phrase is annoying to you coming from extended family I think it more personal preference, it is certainly not detramental to your child though, could they be more specific at times? Sure but that is really your job.


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## treehugginhippie (Nov 29, 2004)

For those who are looking for the reasons why there are some of us who don't use "good girl/job". This great article talks about rewards/praise but mentions about using "good girl" etc and gives good examples. : http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_gr...ds_praise.html


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