# How do you handle criticism?



## HappiestLilMama (Apr 18, 2011)

I didn't circumcise my first son and will leave this next one intact too...and I am in the minority among my friends and family. I get passive aggressive criticism in the form of stories about "friends of friends" who have had to have circumcisions later in life due to infections, and therefore it's so much better just to do it when they're babies. In the past I've nodded politely but restated that we are comfortable with our choice, but I'm starting to realize that I am harboring some anger issues! Especially towards my MIL, who never tires of 'warning' me with these horror stories, even though my intact son is 2 and what's done is done!!

What do you say to people who look at you like you're crazy for not circumcising? I don't want to alienate anyone but I want to make it clear that I made an informed choice that I feel good about.


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## tammylsmith (Jul 11, 2008)

I would say something like: " I realize you are trying to be helpful, but please understand that the trend is moving away from circumcision, and we have already looked carefully into this.Nobody else in the world is really doing it if you take away religious motives. Can every other country in the world really have it that wrong? Not to mention, proper care leads to good results, so we definitely aren't worried. We are very confident that we made the right choice, and I would really appreciate it if you would support us, thanks xoxo etc"


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I would just tell them that it was not a line of conversation I was willing to engage in/listen to and then change the subject every time it came up.


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## MamaofLiam (Nov 20, 2010)

I would politely tell them you've done your research and feel good about your decision and would appreciate their support. If they still keep at it I would then just ask them what research they have done. Most often the answer is none. I honestly don't know where people get off on this. I had a "friend" jokingly say to me before DS was born "you're not going to leave him with an elephant trunk, are you? that's disgusting." And the she laughed in a snarky way. I was pretty offended, and just ended up saying it really wasn't any of her business and that what she just said was really rude.


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## JulianneW (Dec 17, 2010)

I generally reply with "the foreskin contains 240 feet of nerves, 20,000 nerve endings, three feet of veins and a self cleaning function similar to the eye lid. Thankfully we live in a world with antibiotics and a medical system that can treat any problems that may arise without amputating the foreskin which permanently alters sexual function." Depending on what was said I may also add a "Did you know circumcision was started in the United States by Dr. Kellogg to cure masturbatory insanity?"

An answer like this may just inspire someone to fact check you!









If I want a quick end to a conversation or to follow up a rude comment I go with "90% of males in the world including my husband are intact."


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## Sarah (Nov 20, 2001)

If everyone you know has circumcised- surely they WILL know people who have had circumcision problems. These people fixate on the "I know someone who had to be circumcised stories" as if they are the most glorious justification for infant circumcision... but they conveniently forget their "I know someone who was circumcised as an infant and was circumcised again because of problems." story. Why don't you ask/tell them about that?

"More circumcised boys are circumcised twice than intact boys ever need to be circumcised a first time"

Another thing to do- and this is hard and might take practice- is to emply active listening skill and take a position like a shrink. The next time it happens- rather than you getting all defensive and trying to scramble to find an answer for them. Look at it a different way- that what they are saying is not your problem... it's an expression of THEIR problem. Turn it around and bring it back to them and put it back in their lap.

Use some of the common active listening / rephrasing techniques to make sure it stays about them and don't get drawn into it. This might be really unsettling to them and they will likely back off right away- but it's possible that you could get to the root of their problem and do some good.

"It sounds like you are very concerned about genital infections." (let the crickets chirp)

"You circumcised your son. But he didn't circumcise his own son... how does that make you feel?"


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

I think all of these are good rejoinders to the criticism. I agree with the pp who said it was their problem. In fact, one of my favorite approaches to this is to look at them like they have grown two heads and remark that I am not interested in discussing my son's penis with them.


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## LiLStar (Jul 7, 2006)

I'd give it back at them to the point that they'd be scared to bring it up with me again because they'd be tired of the soapbox. "In previous generations, drs told parents to retract the foreskin and clean underneath it. We now know that this is harmful, and can actually be the cause of infections and scarring. Many men have had to be circumcised later in life because of problems resulting from forced retraction. We now know that the only "care" foreskin needs is to leave it alone and wipe from base to tip like a finger. There still are some boys who seem to "need" a circumcision in childhood, but this is largely due to pediatricians not keeping up on the research and simply not having a clue what to do with a foreskin besides cut it off. Most of these "necessary" circumcisions are for bogus reasons. There are also still many drs who haven't gotten the memo that the AAP advises against forcible retraction and are themselves still causing damage both at well checks and in advice given to parents. In the unlikely, rare, event that my son develops an infection, I would accept antibiotics, the exact same thing I'd do if my daughter developed an infection. I have done my research, and my research comes from medical FACT, not dubious anecdotes."


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## Sol_y_Paz (Feb 6, 2009)

It is not up for discussion. If they try you can use one liners like: thank you for your interest.

My choice.

My doctor's recommendation.

I didn't feel comfortable with cutting off a part of my baby's body.

Then shrug and bring up another topic.


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## Ellien C (Aug 19, 2004)

Honestly, few people even know that my son is in-tact. I find it just doesn't come up in conversation, so there's no criticism around. He goes to a Jewish day care and it certainly isn't an issue there.

Is this more of a general problem with your mother than an issue specifically related to circumcision? Is this a general pattern of criticism with your mother? You don't need to justify your choices to anyone and you can choose not to engage.


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## moonfirefaery (Jul 21, 2006)

I have a grab bag of phrases I use to combat criticism:

1. The adult foreskin when spread out flat is about the size of a 4x6 index card, or it would be if it wasn't cut off at birth.

2. The foreskin contains nerve endings, protects the sensitivity of the glans, and increases lubrication.

3. The circumcision rate is only 33% and I don't want my kid to be picked on in the locker room. (I love being able to turn this one back around now that the trend is going towards leaving infants intact.)

4. Are you going to circumcise your daughter? (Then explain why the two ARE similar, since both are designed to limit sensitivity, both are done without "patient" consent and are thus a violation of rights, and both have make-believe "health benefits.")

5. The number of baby boys that die each year from circumcision complications is similar to the number of baby boys that die each year from SIDS, and I like my baby the way he is--alive and intact.

6. When he's 18, he can make the decision to have it done--with full general anesthesia rather than topical or a painful shot. Once I have it done, we can't undo it.

7. It's too expensive, and it's a waste of taxpayer's dollars. (We have Tricare Prime, military health insurance.)

8. It's easier to keep clean and care for. (I then explain those differences and my personal experiences having an intact son AND a circumcised son.)

9. He will never be the same size, skin tone, or have the same amount/color/texture of hair down there as his dad anyway.

10. I don't want my son's first erection to be a memory of pain and abuse.

11. The rest of the world doesn't think it's necessary, judging by their low circumcision rates.

12. If it's doing such a good job preventing HIV, why does the US have both a high circumcision rate--and a high HIV rate?

13. How often do you cut yourself and then rub poop/pee on the wound?

14. I throw out some random "Did you know?" about circumcision, then leave it at that.

15. "Mind your own business." 

Etc... I have a lot of little catch phrases. I throw 1-2 out and explain and then move right along, if possible. It catches them off guard and keeps them thinking.


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## erin23kate (Apr 16, 2009)

It depends on the comment.

"*I know a kid who had to be circumcised and it was horrible"* = I return with a story of a botched circumcision, head of penis lopped off, re-circing, meatal stenosis etc. OR, if it hurts so much why would I want to do it to my baby? At least your friend got pain meds.

*"I like my circumcised penis.*" Good for you, I'm sure my son will like his penis too. He already does... I can't keep a diaper on this kid.

*"Girls won't like it"* - depending on who asks, I respond either "Natural penises are ribbed for her pleasure" or "Any girl who turns him down because of this isn't worth his time."

*"He'll be made fun of in the locker room"* - either, I was made fun of for having huge boobs in 5th grade - should I have gotten a reduction at birth? Or, the national rate is 32%, he'll be the normal one and the circumcised ones will be the weird ones. Or, anyone looking at his penis in the shower has a bigger issue than my son's foreskin to deal with.

*"It reduces STDs"* - Why do you think my boy will be a man-whore, or too dumb to use a condom? Or, I don't think he'll be having sex just yet - when he's old enough to have sex, he can choose if he wants it done then.

*"It's gross/unclean/dirty"* - I'll make sure he showers.

*"God says to do it (or some version)"* - We're not Jewish/Muslim, and if he decides to convert to Judaism he can decide then.

*"He has a weird-looking penis."* - Yours is the one that got cut up. (I said this to my brother) or 90% of the world's penises must be weird-looking.

Or, as PP said, "My baby's penis is none of your business."


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## drs0410 (Dec 3, 2010)

Every time they start with their scare tactics, share what you know about a baby who has died or been injured from circumcision. There should be plenty of stories online. Then ask them, "wouldn't that be terrible if that happened to [insert your child's name]?


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## ambivamom (May 2, 2007)

I have to admit that I hate conflict and I generally pretend that I am agreeing with the critic while I do a "switcheroo": Like, "I know somebody who had to have it done as an adult!" Me: "Oh, I know, isn't that awful! How they used to force the intact children to retract before they were ready and it caused so many problems! Thank goodness medical science in this country has finally caught up and we know the best thing is to leave it alone until it retracts on its own. Man! Think of all those people who had such suffering because of the ignorance of their doctors! I love the pediatrician I have, he knows better.." blah blah. Hey, I know it is kinda passive agressive but I am generally piercingly direct with family and close friends and avoid outright fighting with other people, unless I am pushed into ti. But I know how to get away pretty well, lol.


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

I'd ask them why they have such an unhealthy fascination with my kid's penis and then tell them to mind their own damn business!


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## Lit Chick (Aug 15, 2007)

At this point, I think my family just assumes I'm the crazy no-vax homebirth freak. 

But my grandfather, now in his mid 80's recently had a comment. He's not circ'ed... or rather was not. He's going to be very soon, because of undisclosed (to me at least)"issues". He got all upset when my dad mentioned that my boys were not either (my dad is), because "why would she do that to them? Look what I have to go through! It's better to do it when they're babies!"

My response was that 80+ years without a problem was a pretty good run for his foreskin, and that's better than his heart managed!

My biggest issue is actually with my brothers... they are not rude to me, but they cannot get past the cosmetic factor and think it's a little weird. I just say that if my boys agree then they'll remove it when they're adults, and leave it at that. If my brothers ever have kids, that's when I'll share my stories of not one but two friends who have kids with botched jobs, so on and so forth.


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## HappiestLilMama (Apr 18, 2011)

Thanks everyone. It's enough to hear from all of you and know that I'm NOT in the minority, at least in the wider world! My inlaws are the most critical, and my husbands 3 brothers and their wives (who all circumcised their boys). My mom is super supportive and I called her in tears yesterday and she was very angry on my behalf  Honestly, it makes me sick to even think about mutilating my kid that way 

What I hate is that they all look at me like I'm an ignorant, crazy hippy when it's MY stance that is backed by the entire medical community! Ugh! They have done no research whatsoever.


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## vachi73 (Mar 26, 2009)

I didn't read all the responses, but I often do one of a couple of things when asked/questioned/criticized about our decision to leave our boys intact:

1. "We do not believe in subjecting our sons to unnecessary, cosmetic, amputative surgery with real risks and dubious benefits."

2. (While looking at questioner as if she/he has two heads) "Um, why on earth would we ever cut off half our son's penis? I can't think of any good reason for that."

3. "In our family, owner gets decision-rights." (in other words, the only person who decides about a foreskin is its owner)

I have a veritable decision-tree of follow-ups, depending on what the retort is, but honestly, I rarely get much push-back with these three. I try to imply, while being respectful, that the question is insane


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

I have two stock answers, depending on how much I like the person. If they're rude about it or I find them nosy they get, "Oh my goodness, why would we want to mutilate a healthy baby's genitals? The idea repulses me." *shocked look*

If they're just naive and/or well-meaning, I use, "God made him this way and I tend not to mess with perfection." *warm smile*


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## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

Sometimes I am so happy I am a first generation American. I just say that Scottish people don't circumcise their kids unless it's for religious reasons. None of the men in my family are circumcised. In fact when my brother was a baby one of the nurses asked my parents if they wanted him circ'd and my dad, in his very intimidating Scottish accent retorted with "We don't mutilate our son's genitalia!" LOL.


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## LiLStar (Jul 7, 2006)

Your dad sounds great!! Hope he made that nurse think.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *HappiestLilMama*
> 
> I didn't circumcise my first son and will leave this next one intact too...and I am in the minority among my friends and family. I get passive aggressive criticism in the form of stories about "friends of friends" who have had to have circumcisions later in life due to infections, and therefore it's so much better just to do it when they're babies. In the past I've nodded politely but restated that we are comfortable with our choice, but I'm starting to realize that I am harboring some anger issues! Especially towards my MIL, who never tires of 'warning' me with these horror stories, even though my intact son is 2 and what's done is done!!
> 
> What do you say to people who look at you like you're crazy for not circumcising? I don't want to alienate anyone but I want to make it clear that I made an informed choice that I feel good about.


IRL, my mom gave me the "it's so much cleaner" speech when I was pg and I told her that X was intact and it's fine and she dropped it. At this point when people try do say positive stuff supporting circ I either look at them like they have 3 heads or say something like, " so you want to cut off a perfectly healthy body part on a newborn/ non consentual child to prevent a hypothetical future issue" That or I just say "you fell for that old story?".


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Sol_y_Paz*
> 
> It is not up for discussion. If they try you can use one liners like: thank you for your interest.
> 
> ...


And then they can come back with, "it was my choice to circ" or "my Drs recommendation". Both of which I do not accept as valid reasons so I don't like using them.

Exact same problem with the "why are you so fascinated with my childs penis" argument. It's easily used by pro circers to put off intact discussion. Saving a child is the most important thing, so I try not to use ammo that can be used against our cause to protect kids.


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## hakunangovi (Feb 15, 2002)

We were never subjected to any criticism, but had it occured, I would have been tempted to respond with something like "Do you really think nature made a mistake?"


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## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LiLStar*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know, my dad is great!


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Arduinna*
> 
> And then they can come back with, "it was my choice to circ" or "my Drs recommendation". Both of which I do not accept as valid reasons so I don't like using them.
> 
> Exact same problem with the "why are you so fascinated with my childs penis" argument. It's easily used by pro circers to put off intact discussion. Saving a child is the most important thing, so I try not to use ammo that can be used against our cause to protect kids.


good points both. I honestly WOULD say the penis fascination thing to a family member because seriously WTH are they so interested for. It's not like they are ever going to be involved with it..

I am novice in the circ argument department as I avoided it all by having a girl. Before we knew though DH and I went around a few times, shocking because he isn't circed.

I will think twice next time I engage in debate...I bow to your superior intactivist skills


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## MsFortune (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't consider my son's genitals to be an area of debate or discussion. Just tell them to STFU and don't engage.


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

in all seriousness, i would tell her that the time for this discussion has come to an end. that your son is a boy now, no longer a baby, and he has an intact penis. you have decided to "take your chances" against needing circumcision later in life. that's the end of the discussion, MIL. thanks for caring about your son, but no more comments please. your son has his own ears and understands stuff now. and he really really doesn't need people in the family talking about his penis. thank you very much.


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## ambivamom (May 2, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ElliesMomma*
> 
> in all seriousness, i would tell her that the time for this discussion has come to an end. that your son is a boy now, no longer a baby, and he has an intact penis. you have decided to "take your chances" against needing circumcision later in life. that's the end of the discussion, MIL. thanks for caring about your son, but no more comments please. your son has his own ears and understands stuff now. and he really really doesn't need people in the family talking about his penis. thank you very much.


Yes. This. I second the part about him being old enough to hear it now (which detail I missed the first time around.) No More Talking about it, Thanks, MIL!!


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## tiddle (Feb 24, 2011)

I didn't read any of the previous responses. If a female family member repeatedly tried to get digs in after ignoring several progressively less polite deflections, I'd probably tell her point-blank that a. I don't want to hear it, and b. she should walk the walk before talking the talk, ie. get circumcised herself.


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## 4myfinn (Dec 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Sarah*
> 
> "It sounds like you are very concerned about genital infections." (let the crickets chirp)
> 
> "You circumcised your son. But he didn't circumcise his own son... how does that make you feel?"


This really had me lol. I'm going to use these!


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## SpiderMum (Sep 13, 2008)

I'd raise and eyebrow and ask "you know we have these lovely things called ANTIBIOTICS now, right?"


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## hollywilson82 (Apr 25, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cheshire*
> 
> Here's another if she is religious - Man was made in God's image, why would we remove something God put on there for a reason?
> 
> I can't find it but a long time ago someone posted a link to a Website that lists scripture that supports leaving a child intact. Anyone have it?


I'm not sure which one specifically you were talking about, but I like this one. http://www.drmomma.org/2010/07/biblical-circumcision-information.html

At the bottom it even has a list of relevant scriptures. I know this discussion is a month old, but I thought it might at least help someone looking at this in the future.


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

Have not had to say it much,but I have responded with," Why would I want to do cosmetic surgery on my son's genitalia?" For the horror stories I can toss back a few circumsion horror mishaps,and doctors who recommend circumcision as a treatment option when it is obvious that it was not necessary. We don't cut girls up,and we should do the same for boys when there is an issue requiring treatment. For doctors circ is still an easy way to *treat* problems with the male genitals.After all you can't have a problem with the foreskin if it is removed.


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## erin057 (May 22, 2011)

I will never understand why pro-circ'ers feel it necessary to bombard other parents with questions or horror stories about not circ'ing!

I haven't really had to deal with any comments, luckily! DH and all his brothers are in tact. My dad asked why we didn't do it and I told him there was no reason to. He never said another word about it. I've been lucky!

But if anyone every did give me hassle about it I would simply state that

1. I'm not Jewish or Muslim

2. It's not medically necessary

3. Nature knows best! Foreskin is in place for a reason, and I intend to leave it that way.

What it really comes down to, though, is that it's none of their business!


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## Rylins mama (Aug 22, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MsFortune*
> 
> I don't consider my son's genitals to be an area of debate or discussion. Just tell them to STFU and don't engage.


Yup! People that really know me, know that if they make a rude comment towards me they will not receive a nice reaction so they just leave it. My Mom circed both my brothers and questioned me originally when I told her I wasnt doing it but it was a one time thing and she wasnt even rude just asked me why and if I was sure. She has always defended it since. My family pretty much all circed their kids but they are all clueless to it so they know not to debate it with me since I actually KNOW what Im talking about.


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## lkvosu (Feb 9, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *erin23kate*
> 
> It depends on the comment.
> 
> ...


I want to memorize these!


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## briannas auntie (Feb 21, 2011)

If your family bugs you about it a lot, have them read books or articles on the benefits on keeping a baby intact. I recently bought two books on amazon.com: "Circumcision Exposed" and "Say No To Circumcision" for our natural healing shop that my friend and I own, in case we had moms come in who wanted information from them. These two books are wonderful in terms of research and benefits of keeping a baby intact. See if you can obtain used copies of these two books and show your family and friends some of the research in them.

My mom has also been on my case about circumcision, because I told her that when I have a baby that it was going to be uncircumcised. She bugged me about the cleaning benefit and that my kid would have tons of UTI's and stuff like that, and that a circumcised penis look nicer. I finally told her that I did tons of research and that everything she said was false. I even went into asking how she would like it if she was circumcised (clitoris and vulva removed), because it is just as dumb to do that to a girl as it is a boy. She told me that the babies don't feel it because my brother came back to my mom sound asleep. I told her that the reason the babies are asleep when they get it done is because they are flat out exhausted from screaming and they are in shock, but she didn't believe me. Surprisingly, my mom told me that my Dad didn't want my brother circumcised, but mom insisted on it, because of what the doctors told her about cleanliness. She then told me that it was my kid and I could do whatever I wanted.

Just because others are not happy doesn't mean you should forgo your instincts. Its your baby, no one else's.

Jessie


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Show them all the cute merchandise on cafe press. To me that shows that this issue is finally hitting the mainstream.

http://shop.cafepress.com/genital-integrity


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