# Have you EVER spanked?



## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

Making a poll

Just curious...


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

No, I didn't learn.

I should have but I was at the end of my rope in each case.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

Nope, never. Not even close.


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## frenchie (Mar 21, 2006)

I have on a few occasions with Kai, and it broke my heart each time. The last time I did, I felt just like my mother. My son was so hurt, so devistated by my actions that I realized I was out of control. I HATE that I have resorted to spanking, and will never do it again. I never wanted to go down that road....ever. I even hate to admit it, it's humiliating.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

No.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

I doubt this counts but I'll tell it anyhow. One time my little sister (I'm the oldest of four girls; she was the 3rd born) took some money from my room. She was just a little girl, around 5-6 years old. I'm 5 years older than her. Me, being dumb, mentioned it to mom. I didn't want my sister in trouble, all I wanted was my $20, ya know? No harm was done, she was just a little kid, it wasn't like she took the freaking money to the store and bought Barely Legal with it







Anyhow, mom went ballastic. She put my terrified little sister over MY knee and said if I didn't spank her then she would use a belt. I didn't know what to think. My sister was so sad and scared she was trembling with her little nose running all down her face and mom looked like a raging hell beast. All this for $20







I know everyone must be wondering, and no, I did not spank my little sister that day. I'm fuzzy on what happened after that, I'm pretty sure raging got her anger out and she just dropped the matter. But still the damage was done. Little sister wasn't hurt physically, but I'm sure it did some major long term emotional and mental damage.

And that's just one of the reasons why I'll never resort to hitting my kids. I'm not going to be the raging hell beast. My son and daughter deserve the best from Dh and me. I never want them to shake with fear in front of me for an honest age-appropriate mistake.







:

Fortunately, that was an isolated incident. I don't want anyone to get the impression that my mom flipping out was a daily ordeal. (Just a few times a year







)

~Nay,


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## mackysmama (Jan 11, 2005)

No, I've never spanked and I've never been tempted to. I have yelled; never mean words but a FOR SURE raised voice and probably a scary face and feel VERY guilty about it and try to never do it again.


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## Aliviasmom (Jul 24, 2006)

NO! I've almost said "...or I'm going to paddle your butt!" But then I realize the aubsurdity of that comment! She wouldn't understand, and I would just be hurt. I just take a deep breath.

ETA: I was not spanked heavily as a child, so I don't really know where I come up with that statement anyway. Which just adds to the uncomfortableness!


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I did, and I knew better. I knew in the moment that it was the stupidest thing I could have done. It was totally out of frustration (ds was harassing a dog we were dog sitting).
I left the room and dp took over (I'm sure he was completely totally appalled, but he never said anything, except that I could go relax however I wanted).
I'm getting soooo much better at handling my frustration in productive ways.
oh yeah, and it will never ever happen again.

Gotta add, that dp has never spanked, and I'd bet money that he never never will.


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## Cassandra M. (Aug 3, 2003)

One time and I felt like the biggest POS on the planet. Never in my life have I felt so low.

Never again.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

I've spanked once and never again.

I was 'spanked' as a child. For most every offence. I can remember being spanked with a thin wooden paddle with holes drilled through it to lessen wind resistance.

I'm working VERY hard to fix my behaviour.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

I did a few times with DS.

That time I truly did not know better. Had him when I was 17 and was learning about parenting on the fly, only going by what I've seen done around me (to me).

Then, still not knowing better I went and decided to be a "lazy parent", because it just seemed easier to redirect and then when he was older to talk and reason with him.

I actually kept my "non spanking" a secret because I knew that everybody would be terrified that I am "raising a monster" and tell me how I have to tough it out, "even if it hurt me more than it hurts him"









Did not spank DD, cuz this time I did know better.


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## blsilva (Jul 31, 2006)

I used to spank my oldest. It was how both dh and I were raised, and was the only way I knew to deal with his increasingly defiant behavior. After a while, I realized that his behavior was getting worse, not better, and started reading discipline books. The first thing all of them said was to stop spanking, and gave other ideas to help recognise underlying problems he may be having, redirecting, and a whole host of other ways to deal with him. We stopped spanking then, have not spanked in over 2 years, and never will again. My youngest doesn't even know what a spanking is, and my oldest, when he sees other kids get spanked (at the park, usually) will confront the offender with a very confident "Spanking is bad- _we_ do not spank!!"
I am so proud of him for that!


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

No, never. But there were times that I felt like doing it.


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## fly-mom (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AntoninBeGonin* 
I doubt this counts but I'll tell it anyhow. One time my little sister (I'm the oldest of four girls; she was the 3rd born) took some money from my room. She was just a little girl, around 5-6 years old. I'm 5 years older than her. Me, being dumb, mentioned it to mom. I didn't want my sister in trouble, all I wanted was my $20, ya know? No harm was done, she was just a little kid, it wasn't like she took the freaking money to the store and bought Barely Legal with it







Anyhow, mom went ballastic. She put my terrified little sister over MY knee and said if I didn't spank her then she would use a belt. I didn't know what to think. My sister was so sad and scared she was trembling with her little nose running all down her face and mom looked like a raging hell beast. All this for $20







I know everyone must be wondering, and no, I did not spank my little sister that day. I'm fuzzy on what happened after that, I'm pretty sure raging got her anger out and she just dropped the matter. But still the damage was done. Little sister wasn't hurt physically, but I'm sure it did some major long term emotional and mental damage.

And that's just one of the reasons why I'll never resort to hitting my kids. I'm not going to be the raging hell beast. My son and daughter deserve the best from Dh and me. I never want them to shake with fear in front of me for an honest age-appropriate mistake.







:

Fortunately, that was an isolated incident. I don't want anyone to get the impression that my mom flipping out was a daily ordeal. (Just a few times a year







)

~Nay,









That is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. I'm so sorry that happened to you.







:


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## laketahoemama (Aug 29, 2006)

I have not, but I have yelled which can be very trauamtic also. I feel so much guilt over that, I couldn't imagine spanking my son.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fly-mom* 
That is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. I'm so sorry that happened to you.







:

Aww thanks. That sister is getting married in June. We've already talked about things like not spanking and not circumcising. She's seen how great a kid my son is and is open to these radical new parenting ideas. I think she realizes how little my parents really knew about raising kids, and she understands there's no reason for punitive punishment. I'm going to call her and remind her of this incident and explain that mom was wrong, that 5 year olds do not understand the concept of stealing and that I hope she's okay. She's a sweet kid.









~Nay


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

No, but on occasion evil voices/inner rage have urged me to. Well, honestly, they haven't urged me to "spank" (in the mainstream "this is how you're supposed to hit your kid" way) as much as to smack in anger.


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## Attached Mama (Dec 4, 2005)

no - never spanked my dd. Thankfully I learned and realized from my own life how harmful it is. Unfort I was raised to think it was the only way to raise a kid and was told i could spank a kid I was babysitting when i was only 14 and so i did and also spanked my niece one time. Makes me feel very sad _ just glad i learned b4 having my own.


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## fly-mom (May 23, 2005)

I answered the poll as "once or twice", but what happened was I smacked dd on the leg one time when I was changing her diaper and she kept kicking me and laughing (she was maybe about 1 yo). It wasn't a "spanking", but close enough for me to realize it wasn't something I was ever going to do again.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

I've hit my ds twice.
The first time, he was about 20 mo, I was sewing and he just would not leave my machine alone. I swatted his fingers. He cried. I cried. We hugged and I promised him never again.
Second time, I was 4 days pp with my dd. I had an appointment with my mw. My mom was going to watch my ds, but ds was completely out of control, so I had to take him with me. Ds was totally out of sorts because of the new baby, no one was taking the time for him, then when my mom couldn't keep him, he totally lost it. He was hitting and screaming. I took him in his room to get dressed and he started hitting me. I hit his butt. Which, of course, escalated everything. As soon as I did it, I broke down and told him how sorry I was. We cried and screamed together. Eventually, we calmed down and talked about the situation. I told him I was wrong to hit him. I told him I understood why he hit me. Since then, we have done a lot of talking about appropriate ways for both of us to express our feelings.
Not hitting has taken a lot of restraint and reprogramming for me. It is how I was raised and my first impluse. I've learned to breathe and think before I do anything.


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## MamasBoys (Dec 29, 2005)

Ex spanker here, and by "ex" I mean VERY RECENTLY an ex. Let's hope I can keep it up.

My Dad used to spank us with a belt--anyone else grow up with that sort of background?


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

No. But once we were on a horribly slippery icey road at 1 am in Vermont, I did reach back and roughly grabbed an arm when an older kid was screaming that his baby sister (who was sound asleep) touched him. It was a wicked life and death night, and after trying to calm him, I reached back, grabbed whatever part of the arm I could, and said in a stage whisper "Do not wake the babies!!!!!!!!!!!" . No steetlights, no moon, I couldbn't see the shoulder, it was so dark and cloudy. But I still felt like a piece of crap.

I think it's damn pretty cool that so many people are saying they have never been rough with their kids. Gives me hope for the future, and I rarely feel hope for the future, given so much of the piss- poor parenting I read about on MDC.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamasBoys* 
My Dad used to spank us with a belt--anyone else grow up with that sort of background?

Present.


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## pookel (May 6, 2006)

Nope, and never had the urge to either. I'm not some kind of saint, it's just that I tend to want to cry when I hit the end of my rope, instead of getting angry.







I am pretty sure that if I hit my kid when he was doing something wrong (or having a meltdown) it would just make him freak out more, anyway. That's how he reacts if he gets hurt in some way when he's already upset (like if he trips during a tantrum).


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

I threatened to spank my dd once and then I felt awful. I went on to say how sorry I was and she looked at me with such confusion on her almost four-year-old face. I finally realized she had no idea what I was talking about and said, "Do you know what spanking is?"
She leaned forward and said, "Noooo. Can you tell me?"
I felt wretched and I couldn't bring myself to say, "Well, Mama is threatening to hit you on the butt several times. In order to cause you physical and emotional pain."
So I said, "I'll tell you later."


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

I know you mean well, but enough of us have handled these situations without spanking to know it's not necessary.

~Nay,







'ing the 29 m/o


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## fly-mom (May 23, 2005)

Quote:

I threatened to spank my dd once and then I felt awful. I went on to say how sorry I was and she looked at me with such confusion on her almost four-year-old face. I finally realized she had no idea what I was talking about and said, "Do you know what spanking is?"
She leaned forward and said, "Noooo. Can you tell me?"
I felt wretched and I couldn't bring myself to say, "Well, Mama is threatening to hit you on the butt several times. In order to cause you physical and emotional pain."
So I said, "I'll tell you later."
My mom was talking to dd one day, and they were joking around. Mom told dd "I'll spank your tee-hiney [butt]" (she was totally joking, although she spanked me, she regrets it and would never do that to dd). Anyway dd aked her "What is a spank?". I think my mom was floored. She couldn't comprehend a kid wouldn't know what a spank was. I was happy.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fly-mom* 
My mom was talking to dd one day, and they were joking around. Mom told dd "I'll spank your tee-hiney [butt]" (she was totally joking, although she spanked me, she regrets it and would never do that to dd). Anyway dd aked her "What is a spank?". I think my mom was floored. She couldn't comprehend a kid wouldn't know what a spank was. I was happy.

That's awesome!














:
















~Nay


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

Nay, that is a really disturbing story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, and for your sister as well.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *daniedb* 
Nay, that is a really disturbing story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, and for your sister as well.









Mom was weird. Like, really. One day she'd take us and any neighborhood friends to the pool and the next something would make her flip out. We got used to it. There are a lot of underlying reasons (aren't there always?) but they're complicated. The most important thing is no one will ever hit my kids and I'm trying to be a positive role model so my sisters will also realize violence towards kids is never necessary.









~Nay, now







'ing the 4 month old...it never ends!


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

No, never.


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## Happy and Cheerful (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AntoninBeGonin* 







I know you mean well, but enough of us have handled these situations without spanking to know it's not necessary.

~Nay,







'ing the 29 m/o

Well, that is true, there are many, many other things you can do to discipline a child.

I just mean to say that I don't judge other parents who swat (not spank) when it's an emergency situation.

I try not to do it and I try really hard to have a discipline plan in advance so I know what to do when something comes up, but I have swatted on occasion, like a hand away from a hot surface or a fireplace.

Of course, there is always room for improved discipline techiques.


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## HerbLover (Jan 7, 2006)

No, thankfully Ive never gone that far (not that it hasnt crossed my mind). I feel guilty enough just raising my voice.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I have to respectfully disagree. Hitting is NEVER in line with gentle parenting whether one calls it a "pat" or a "swat" or a "love tap." And of course one may keep a child safe from traffic and burns without hitting.

That said, I have never hit my kids. But I'm no saint either. I have resorted to non-gentle methods (like pulling a child into a bedroom for a time-out) and I am not proud of that at all. But I would never claim that my behavior was in line with gentle parenting. None of us is perfect but it does bother me to see violence classified as "in line with" GD (and I'll add that I don't judge either because many parents resort to what they know/have experienced and while I loathe the act, I don't judge the parent -- hope that makes sense!).


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## Bartock (Feb 2, 2006)

What the heck would other be?


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ilovemy2ds* 
What the heck would other be?

My guess is that "other" is for those who have hit and who continue to do so.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Happy and Cheerful* 
I just mean to say that I don't judge other parents who swat (not spank) when it's an emergency situation.


Oh, you mean like when you're just in time to see a child moving toward danger and you only have a split second to quickly move her away from it? If so, that's totally understandable. IMO, that doesn't count as any form of discipline. Discipline is spanking after grabbing your running toddler by the arm to pull them back from stepping off the curb. Being grabbed, even if it hurt, was not meant as punishment, whereas the spanking was.

~Nay


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## 425lisamarie (Mar 4, 2005)

I haven't ever. My mom was a yeller...although that's definately NOT what my sis and I remember her by, but I do remember her yelling. Her mom was a spanker, and a LUNATIC yeller. I broke the cycle, we are all gentle here


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Nope, never, and never been tempted to. I'm so grateful that spanking is something I've never seen modeled, so it's just not in my toolbox when it comes to discipline.


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## mama2mygirl (Dec 14, 2005)

limabean--you give me such hope! Maybe someday my sweet dd will say that!


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## Happy and Cheerful (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AntoninBeGonin* 
Oh, you mean like when you're just in time to see a child moving toward danger and you only have a split second to quickly move her away from it? If so, that's totally understandable. IMO, that doesn't count as any form of discipline. Discipline is spanking after grabbing your running toddler by the arm to pull them back from stepping off the curb. Being grabbed, even if it hurt, was not meant as punishment, whereas the spanking was.

~Nay

Yeah, I meant the first, not the second. I mean a swat as in you swatted a hand away to move from a hot surface. That kind of thing. I guess that really isn't a spanking, but in some ways it's a light one, it really is still hitting. I'm thinking about that now and reevaluating.


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## sebarnes (Feb 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamasBoys* 

My Dad used to spank us with a belt--anyone else grow up with that sort of background?

Yep. My dad spanked us with a belt, my mom with a switch. AND, she would make us go pick our own switch - if she didn't think it was "good - enough" - i.e. painful enough - she would make us go pick another. Talk about screwed up! It's one of the big reasons we don't spank, although I grew up thinking it was okay and that I would. When I started thinking about this parenting thing when I was pregnant, I realized all that spanking and switching didn't teach me anything except don't get caught, and you do what you're supposed to so you don't get hit - it didn't teach me crap about internalizing right and wrong. So, thankfully, I realized before I had dd that this was NOT something I wanted to pass to my kids. I still struggle to be GD in other ways - I am a yeller by nature and am working hard to tame that beast - but I have never spanked.


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## tsume (Jun 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sebarnes* 
my mom with a switch. AND, she would make us go pick our own switch - if she didn't think it was "good - enough" - i.e. painful enough - she would make us go pick another.

!!! Same here! I got a belt, switch, shoe, cord, hanger,anything handy. I remember one time I had to go out and get a switch and I dragged the biggest tree branch I could to the door. A tree from the backyard was cut down and I pulled the branch from there. I got in double trouble that time.

I have spanked (that is so much nicer than saying 'hit' which is really what spanking is) a couple times before but I felt like total shite afterwards. I have started to yell and I really don't like that. My sweet sweet DS told me yesterday that I yell too much. I apologized. I'm attending a gentle discipline talk tomorrow and I hope to learn some more tools to help me make better choices.


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## MamasBoys (Dec 29, 2005)

I'm glad that there are mamas here that can admit to having issues with yelling. I was never a yeller in any situation until my kids hit their schoolage years. It's a hard cycle to break.


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## Village Mama (Jul 22, 2004)

It is so great that so many people have never spanked thier children! I am surprised at the number because that is definitely not what I see in everyday life.
I spanked my first son a couple of times. I was at my wits end with behavior problems...He never slept at night and was out of control in the day. it turned out that he had severe food sensitivities that were making him crazy. I can't even explain what an A hole I felt like. Still feel like...
My parents spanked me all of the time for even looking at them funny... or percieving that I was looking at them funny. It takes a lot of self control for me to not lash out when things get hairy. I am really really proud of myself for practicing gentle discipline.
And again, I am sooooo happy to see so many children who have never been spanked.!


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamasBoys* 
Ex spanker here, and by "ex" I mean VERY RECENTLY an ex. Let's hope I can keep it up.

My Dad used to spank us with a belt--anyone else grow up with that sort of background?

Well, yeah, but his version of a spanking was 3 or 4 light whacks over clothes and then "All right, go play outside!" Honestly, even though I think spanking is very wrong in my own experience the 6 or 7 times I was spanked didn't even hurt. Stung a little, that's all. To me the emotional garbage that mom put us through was a lot worse. **sigh**









~Nay


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

No. But there have been times when I've gotten so angry that I wanted to.

(Edited to add that I was spanked as a child, but only with a hand and never very hard. I don't believe in hitting other people, especially children.)


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

No, I've never spanked ds.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Nope, never spanked.

But, I have grabbed ds's arm too hard, and a couple of times kind of threw him on the bed. (Not really threw, but kind of strongarmed him onto the bed.) I consider both of these things almost as bad as spanking. I haven't done either in a long time, but I still feel bad about it.

I was spanked as a child, maybe 3 or 4 times total. It was saved for really "big" grievances, like lying. The threat of being spanked hung over me for a long time, and I think I was 10 or 12 before I realized that I was too old to ever be spanked again. I don't hold particularly hard feelings against my dad for it, but it's not something I would ever do to my own children.

I do have issues with yelling though, and am trying really really hard to improve in that area.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

From the Gentle Disicipline Forum Guidelines:

Quote:

Effective discipline is based on loving guidance. It is based on the belief that children are born innately good and that our role as parents is to nurture their spirits as they learn about limits and boundaries, rather than to curb their tendencies toward wrongdoing. Effective discipline presumes that children have reasons for their behavior and that cooperation can be engaged to solve shared problems.

*Hitting is never the best way to teach a child. Even in the case of real danger - as when a child runs out into the road - you can grab him, sit him down, look him in the eyes, and tell him why he must never do that again. The panic in your voice will communicate your message much more effectively than any spanking. You can be dramatic without being abusive.*

'Natural Family Living' by Peggy O'Mara

Please appreciate that this forum is not a place to uphold or advocate physical punishment of children. Personal preferences for and encouragement of use of physical punishment are inappropriately posted here. Posts of that nature will be edited by the member upon request or will be removed.
If you see any advocation or acceptance of physical punishment on this thread (or any thread at MDC), please report the post rather than referring to it and making it a topic within the thread. The report button is the red, white and black triangular button at the lower left-hand corner of every post. Reports go directly to the forum moderators. Thanks so much for your understanding and cooperation


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## usmcwfe (Aug 17, 2006)

I did once..hate to admit it. DD was having a meltdown and she was kicking/hitting me.. So what do I do? I hit her on the bottom. The moment I did it I realized that now the fight was about who could hit harder.. and I don't want to ever do that again. I felt like I don't even know how to spank even if I wanted to. It felt awkward and very stupid. If I could take it back I would.. She has a lot of friends who's parents spank. Some of them spank to "train" a child and use religion as a reason, and others do it because they don't know what else to do. My policy is that if I am completely out of sorts and have no idea how to handle the situation hitting my dd would be more an issue of my inablitly to effectively parent rather than an issue of her behavior.


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## Happy and Cheerful (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AntoninBeGonin* 
Oh, you mean like when you're just in time to see a child moving toward danger and you only have a split second to quickly move her away from it? If so, that's totally understandable. IMO, that doesn't count as any form of discipline. Discipline is spanking after grabbing your running toddler by the arm to pull them back from stepping off the curb. Being grabbed, even if it hurt, was not meant as punishment, whereas the spanking was.

~Nay


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Happy and Cheerful* 
Yeah, I meant the first, not the second. I mean a swat as in you swatted a hand away to move from a hot surface. That kind of thing. I guess that really isn't a spanking, but in some ways it's a light one, it really is still hitting. I'm thinking about that now and reevaluating.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia* 
From the Gentle Disicipline Forum Guidelines:

If you see any advocation or acceptance of physical punishment on this thread (or any thread at MDC), please report the post rather than referring to it and making it a topic within the thread. The report button is the red, white and black triangular button at the lower left-hand corner of every post. Reports go directly to the forum moderators. Thanks so much for your understanding and cooperation









I apologize. I think I may have violated the MDC Guildelines for the Gentle Discipline forum. I have read several books on gentle discipline, but I had not read the MDC guidlines.

I just wanted to apologize to the forum because I certainly do not want to submit posts that are reported or removed. And I definitely don't want to advocate violence or offend anyone.

So, as I said in an earlier post, I'm re-evaluating my thought process and my earlier comment. Thanks for bringing this to my attention!


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

Unfortunately I have, twice. I just didn't have to tools to deal with being at the end of my rope and I allowed myself to get really angry. I regret it. It's been quite a long time since it happened and it WILL NOT happen again. We've had some serious tantrums since and I've managed to keep my cool nicely. After the last time I spanked him I got the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" and it really changed my whole disciplining and my outlook. DS and I have talked about it and he knows that I will never spank him again. I don't ever plan on breaking that promise to him.


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## thehappyhippo (Jan 1, 2007)

As much as I promised myself I would never spank, I have spanked my dd once on the bottom during a recent diaper change. It was a poopy one and she was flailing around getting poop everywhere and the 4 month old baby that I was caring for was crying hysterically in the other room (she needed to be held). I lost it and smacked her bottom.







It was terrible. She looked at me with these heartbroken eyes and said "you hit me, mommy!". Goodness, I will never forget it. I have slapped her hand on 3 different occassions too, all of which were inappropriate and it was my fault for being at a loss of what to do. I made sure to apologize and reiterated that we don't hit people but that I had lost my temper and lost control of myself. Made sure to let her know I knew I was in the wrong. All day she kept reminding me that I hit her - like she couldn't wrap her little head around the idea. Yuck.

It can be very hard to break the cycle. I was spanked a lot as a child and violently as well. I hate that when I admit this to some people that I know in real life they are like, "it's okay. it's not that big of a deal. she'll be fine" Maybe she will, she obviously has hundreds of moments to counter this one but then again maybe this one will stick. Either way, it's not ok. It certainly humbles you though.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Happy and Cheerful* 
I apologize. I think I may have violated the MDC Guildelines for the Gentle Discipline forum. I have read several books on gentle discipline, but I had not read the MDC guidlines.

I just wanted to apologize to the forum because I certainly do not want to submit posts that are reported or removed. And I definitely don't want to advocate violence or offend anyone.

So, as I said in an earlier post, I'm re-evaluating my thought process and my earlier comment. Thanks for bringing this to my attention!


















You are so awesome for apologizing and clarifying. When I first joined, I had TWO posts removed for violating the UA (not in GD but did violate parts of UA I wasn't familiar with). So it happens! Anyway, glad you are here!


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## mykidsmom776 (Jan 13, 2007)

I wish I could say "never"... but I'm a reformed spanker here too. I actually don't remember being spanked -- though I've been told when I was young it happened.

My dad always would reason with me and was VERY GD with me growing up. He was the exact opposite with my younger brother and told me once that when I brought it to his attention that my younger brother (who is ADHD) didn't have the reasoning skills that I had and therefore spanking (among other things) were more effective for him. To this day my brother and my father's relationship is tenuous at best.

My step-mom is a yeller and "flicker". She'd flick me hard in the face and ears when I was younger.

But when I was a younger parent, despite instinctively knowing what damage that kind of disciplining does, I still would spank on occassion and yell lots.

It was the combination of the leader of our church advocating _against_ spanking and dealing with my own childhood demons that forced me to re-evaluate how I was disciplining my children. Also, my MIL shared with me some really great ideas about disciplining children in a way that would help them learn why their behavior was inappropriate (all without yelling or corporeal punishment) started to help me think outside of the box... and helped me to start looking for what lies beneath my children acting out at one time or another.


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## Chanley (Nov 19, 2001)

Nope, never. Everytime I get horribly angry, I see thier faces and I remember what it was like to be so little and have a bigger person really pissed at me.

Not to say I have never yelled. Because, yes, I have yelled. I dont make a habit of it.


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## FLmom_3 (Jan 13, 2007)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MamasBoys

My Dad used to spank us with a belt--anyone else grow up with that sort of background?

I too was raised that way - not always with a belt, though - depending on what the offense was. I became a "last resort" spanker depending on the severity or importance of the behavior but haven't really in the last few years (maybe once or twice). Either way, even then it wasn't my only resource and there were some things I knew it wouldn't work for - I have worked hard within the last few years to cut it out completely and have done well so far.
I gotta be honest here, though. I have noticed my oldest daughter has gone totally the opposite direction (worse behavior) since it has been cut out completely. I don't spank anymore because it hurts me to do so and I do feel there are other options but I don't judge those that do, however, if the intent is true and it is done in a certain manner, which is difficult for many to do and maintain self control. For that reason, I feel it is better to avoid altogether. It isn't always handled in the way most "non-spankers" portray, and there are some that don't spank that are putting far worse on their children emotionally by excessive guilt and yelling out of frustration. I will tell you, however, that my being spanked as a child did not emotionally damage me and I don't have any harbored horrible feelings toward my parents for it. I do know that whenever they tried to avoid spanking, not knowing how to handle it properly did cause emotional damage, which is another side everyone needs to consider.
If spanking is prohibited throughout everyone's home, not all parents are going to immediately seek alternative resources & classes, as many aren't aware they are available. In doing so, many parents will become disconnected with their children who they otherwise have healthy relationships with or they will damage the child emotionally with their behaviors and words because they are at a loss of what to do or how to handle their children, therefore, they avoid them - since they aren't clued in to other options, the effects could be far worse than spanking the child. Much of their frustration could then be taken out on their children. I will never EVER say a parent who spanks must not love their child because I have been on the giving and receiving end and realize that ignorance can often be misconstrued and feel it is a harsh judgment. It isn't always handled in the way most "non-spankers" portray, and there are some that don't spank that are putting far worse on their children emotionally by excessive guilt and yelling out of frustration.
It would be nice if we could all learn other options and help eliminate many of the emotional problems in our children these days but I don't feel that will immediately be the case. In other words, eliminated spanking is a great step toward the right direction but it will not automatically produce positive results. Maybe they should consider more detail to the bill and somehow add something that offers help and assistance for those parents this will affect. After all, many of these parents love their children and would do differently if they understood how but by taking their only known means of discipline they know, yet holding them responsible for their children's actions (including fines and damages), doesn't seem altogether fair if you aren't properly teaching them alternatives. They will become helpless and this issue will only get MUCH worse before it gets better for many people - especially the children.
It's just a thought. I've tried to look at both sides of the situation, without the assumption that all spankers are horrible & unloving parents and understanding this could have a major negative impact on the future of these children if not handled properly.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

No, and I hope I never do.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *FLmom_3* 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamasBoys

My Dad used to spank us with a belt--anyone else grow up with that sort of background?

I too was raised that way - not always with a belt, though - depending on what the offense was. I became a "last resort" spanker depending on the severity or importance of the behavior but haven't really in the last few years (maybe once or twice). Either way, even then it wasn't my only resource and there were some things I knew it wouldn't work for - I have worked hard within the last few years to cut it out completely and have done well so far.
I gotta be honest here, though. I have noticed my oldest daughter has gone totally the opposite direction (worse behavior) since it has been cut out completely. I don't spank anymore because it hurts me to do so and I do feel there are other options but I don't judge those that do, however, if the intent is true and it is done in a certain manner, which is difficult for many to do and maintain self control. For that reason, I feel it is better to avoid altogether. It isn't always handled in the way most "non-spankers" portray, and there are some that don't spank that are putting far worse on their children emotionally by excessive guilt and yelling out of frustration. I will tell you, however, that my being spanked as a child did not emotionally damage me and I don't have any harbored horrible feelings toward my parents for it. I do know that whenever they tried to avoid spanking, not knowing how to handle it properly did cause emotional damage, which is another side everyone needs to consider.
If spanking is prohibited throughout everyone's home, not all parents are going to immediately seek alternative resources & classes, as many aren't aware they are available. In doing so, many parents will become disconnected with their children who they otherwise have healthy relationships with or they will damage the child emotionally with their behaviors and words because they are at a loss of what to do or how to handle their children, therefore, they avoid them - since they aren't clued in to other options, the effects could be far worse than spanking the child. Much of their frustration could then be taken out on their children. I will never EVER say a parent who spanks must not love their child because I have been on the giving and receiving end and realize that ignorance can often be misconstrued and feel it is a harsh judgment. It isn't always handled in the way most "non-spankers" portray, and there are some that don't spank that are putting far worse on their children emotionally by excessive guilt and yelling out of frustration.
It would be nice if we could all learn other options and help eliminate many of the emotional problems in our children these days but I don't feel that will immediately be the case. In other words, eliminated spanking is a great step toward the right direction but it will not automatically produce positive results. Maybe they should consider more detail to the bill and somehow add something that offers help and assistance for those parents this will affect. After all, many of these parents love their children and would do differently if they understood how but by taking their only known means of discipline they know, yet holding them responsible for their children's actions (including fines and damages), doesn't seem altogether fair if you aren't properly teaching them alternatives. They will become helpless and this issue will only get MUCH worse before it gets better for many people - especially the children.
It's just a thought. I've tried to look at both sides of the situation, without the assumption that all spankers are horrible & unloving parents and understanding this could have a major negative impact on the future of these children if not handled properly.


I understand what you're saying, but I disagree with your conclusion. In my opinion, physical and emotional abuse are so closely linked they are almost always going to be seen together. Hitting is a way to have power over another person. Once you can justify hitting someone else, then you automatically become bigger, stronger, better, and more right than they are. In any difference of opinion, need, or want the stronger will triumph over the weaker. Hitting lessens the physical and emotional value of the person being hit. Which, in turn, makes it easier to hurt and devalue them. It's a downward spiral. I remember my mom going from light, almost playful, spankings to becoming literally frightening.

My own life's example is actually pretty common. Much abuse starts off when parents are told by society how good and beneficial light spankings are, then the parent slowly realizes that if they're twice as mad as when they spanked last time, well, then the only logical punishment is to hit twice as hard. If the child eats a cookie and ruins his appetite for dinner and gets 5 smacks, then what does he get for pouring his staining grape juice on the brand new white sofa? It's easy for hitters to justify hitting "just a little harder" or "just a few more times" than last time.

You are right in that we really need to educate parents that there are alternatives to hitting and shaming children. I don't know what ways are best, unfortunately. In my case, the moment our son (now 29 mos.) was born I looked at him and simply promised him no one would ever hit him. I've kept that promise. (Except for that one time he bit me in my sleep and I jumped and bopped him in the head. He gave me kiss so I know he forgave me







:







) Not everyone has as much self-control as me, though. Perhaps the most important first step would be to make hitting unacceptable. That way the downward spiral never begins.

I need to work on these thoughts and get them to make more sense, don't I?







My baby is bouncing and gurgling on my knee. Time to play!









~Nay


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

I voted other because I am still working on not doing it. I've never spanked ds on his bottom but I've smacked his hand for touching dangerous things. I'm not proud of that, but we are working on it and doing better with redirection. He doesn't respond to physical discipline anyways ( big surprise there ).







:


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## Cinder (Feb 4, 2003)

I never have...I think even if I wanted to my DH would divorce me for even considering it.


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## leafwood (Jun 15, 2004)

I have never spanked. Dd is only 2y9m, but I can't imagine ever doing it. I have yelled. I'm not proud of that, but it happens from time to time. I was never hit as a child. Actually, my mom hit me once when I was 15y, but for some reason I don't count that because there was a lot of crap going on and by that point in my life I knew it was totally uncharacteristic of her and that she probably didn't mean it.


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## BlueSkyJennifer (Dec 11, 2004)

I have never spanked and I never will.

My mother would say she spanked us. My sisters and I agree that is a gross understatement. Even as a very young child I could see that her beatings were more about her anger than anything we did. She was raging out of control, breaking things, a hurricane of fury. A spanking from my mother often left you with a black eye, a fat lip, a broken wooden spanking implement, broken glass, an enormous dent in the wall the perfect shape of me, etc., etc.


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BlueSkyJennifer* 
I have never spanked and I never will.

My mother would say she spanked us. My sisters and I agree that is a gross understatement. Even as a very young child I could see that her beatings were more about her anger than anything we did. She was raging out of control, breaking things, a hurricane of fury. A spanking from my mother often left you with a black eye, a fat lip, a broken wooden spanking implement, broken glass, an enormous dent in the wall the perfect shape of me, etc., etc.









Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. And I am in awe that you have been able to stop the cycle and not pass on the violence, not even a little bit. Amazing.


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## mama_b (Dec 14, 2004)

I have never spanked my dd. I do yell though, and I feel bad about it and am really trying to stop.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BlueSkyJennifer* 
I have never spanked and I never will.


You are a very strong person.









~Nay


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## pookel (May 6, 2006)

I want to add, I have seen Corbin's reaction to being hit a few times when we hit him accidentally. He's an active kid and there have been several times when he ran the wrong way just as I was moving my arm ... of course I didn't mean to hit him, but he wouldn't know that. He gets very upset and usually wants to be held by the other parent (not the one who hit him!). I think he's starting to understand, "Mama is sorry! Mama didn't mean to hit you!" but when he was younger he didn't get that concept.


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## infraread (Jun 3, 2003)

Quote:

Yep. My dad spanked us with a belt, my mom with a switch. AND, she would make us go pick our own switch - if she didn't think it was "good - enough" - i.e. painful enough - she would make us go pick another. Talk about screwed up! It's one of the big reasons we don't spank, although I grew up thinking it was okay and that I would. When I started thinking about this parenting thing when I was pregnant, I realized all that spanking and switching didn't teach me anything except don't get caught, and you do what you're supposed to so you don't get hit - it didn't teach me crap about internalizing right and wrong. So, thankfully, I realized before I had dd that this was NOT something I wanted to pass to my kids. I still struggle to be GD in other ways - I am a yeller by nature and am working hard to tame that beast - but I have never spanked.
I could have written this, with a few slight changes. Change it to both parents and assorted relatives and add in wooden spoons, more often than not the kind with the big hole in the middle to measure spaghetti with, and slaps to the mouth or upside the head. I never wanted to be a mother because I was scared of what I'd do to any child of mine. So I was very, very careful not to get pregnant and managed until I was 25. Then DH came home from boot camp and we celebrated with, ahem, alot of enthusiasm







So I dreaded my entire pregnancy, and when DS was born I took one look at him and wondered how in the world anyone could ever hit their own child??

From day 1 I made it known far and wide that my son was not to be hit. No spanking, from anyone. No swats to the butt or anywhere else, and anyone who even mentioned it got an earful from me. Guess what I voted? "more than once or twice, but never again." Ds went through a stage where he would lash out in frustration and there have been times when he was playing and inadvertanly kicked me, or he'd think it funny to come up and headbutt me in the stomach. If I could see it coming, I could keep my cool. The times I've smacked my son were the times he caught me unawares it happened before I could process it







It took longer than I care to admit to get a handle on that gut reaction to hit back. And I have to remind myself sometimes that no matter how big he is, he's still only little and not trying to hurt me so I don't need to defend myself, I need to step back and _think_. Yelling is still a struggle, but coming in here helps tremendously. I get alot of hope from those of you who are more peaceful than I because you prove it can be done.


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

No, and I've never come close. We don't even really yell.


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## SandraS (Jan 18, 2007)

Nope. 24 collective years of parenting and no.


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## lurable (Jul 23, 2006)

No, never. DD is still a baby (22 mos) but neither DH nor I have ever come close to spanking. I have never been tempted to in dd's short life so far and I really don't think I ever will be.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

Much to my dismay, yes.









Maybe once or twice as a young toddler, at the end of my rope, did I give Zoe a slap on the bottom.

I am so heartened to read accounts of mothers who have never even felt like spanking, let alone actually hit their child.

It gives me hope that I can keep moving in the right direction.

I have such a hard time with gentle discipline, and I was raised without any hitting, and very minimal yelling.

Go figure.














:


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## Rose-up (Feb 7, 2006)

Just once, out of complete and utter frustration. It was terrible, I cried about it for the rest of the day, and so humiliated that I'd lost my temper I could barely discuss it with dh when he came home from work. It just breaks my heart that I did something on purpose to hurt my own child







And then, as if I wasn't already feeling terrible enough, dd was comforting me, saying "it's okay, mama, I know you're sorry" It will absolutely NEVER happen again -- I've never even come close, I couldn't bear to inflict that on my daughter or myself again. It's so embarassing to even admit this









I was spanked as a child, and wanted never to hit my children







:


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## camotyka (Jul 21, 2004)

No the thought never even crossed my mind until I came across this post. Strange.


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## slightly crunchy (Jul 7, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *oceanbaby* 
Nope, never spanked.

But, I have grabbed ds's arm too hard

This.







There have been a few times where I have been angry when ds was hurting his little brother, and I was too rough. It is at these times when I can (almost) understand that a little swat on the butt after the fact could be seen as preferable. **But I do believe that neither of this is at all acceptable behavior from me.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Once.

It was an act before thinking moment, one smack on the butt, and I was HORRIFIED after it happened. Never again.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I hit ds1 2 or 3 times when he was little, which invariably ended with the two of us crying together on the floor. YUCK!

I also hit dd once...totally took myself by surprise when she walked up and yanked ds2's hair while he was in my lap nursing. He started to scream, and I reacted from a "threat to the baby" place, before my brain clicked in that the "threat" was my _other_ baby. I pulled it, but not in time to avoid hitting her. So, that time there were three of us crying together...

I've definitely had some less-than-stellar moments in the screaming department, as well. I'm getting better all the time.


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

*i have and i felt so guilty, i didn't hurt them but still its not right is it







i also need to stop shouting so much cos thats awfull too i only realise how bad it must sound to them when i hear other mums shouting at there kids when walking up to school and it sounds awful







*


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## Paddington (Aug 25, 2003)

I have never spanked and I really try not to "discipline" while angry. Sometimes I just need to walk away for a while to calm down and deal with a straight head, you know?


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## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

I did it once with each child. In both cases, they were putting our/their lives in jeopardy. With eldest dd, I was 8 months pregnant and carrying her in a busy parking lot (tantruming out of the store) she wriggled so much we both fell to the pavement in front of an on-coming car. With dd2 it was when she climbed on a balcony two flights up. In each case I wanted it to be significant, that they would NEVER do something like that again. It was truly the only thing I could think of that would have a lasting impact (moreso, because I've never spanked them before or since). I always think that parenting is about having a toolbox, and knowing what tool to bring out when; humor, ignoring, logical consequences - but in both these instances, I couldn't think of any other tool...

Suggestions for dire situations REALLY welcome!

-H


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Quote:

*Hitting is never the best way to teach a child. Even in the case of real danger - as when a child runs out into the road - you can grab him, sit him down, look him in the eyes, and tell him why he must never do that again. The panic in your voice will communicate your message much more effectively than any spanking. You can be dramatic without being abusive.

'Natural Family Living' by Peggy O'Mara*
IMO, when you hit someone in a life-threatening and/or dangerous situation, you are modeling how to handle extreme situations: _*with violence*_. One of my concerns is that when there is a serious problem that a parent might not be aware of--the child will feel afraid to come to you for fear of punishment. IME, physical punishment must be removed completely from the 'tools' available if one is committed to loving guidance/GD.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I have in the past a few times







:

As a family we have made a vow to not hit. We help eachother when things get heated.

I threaten it.







: Then immediately apologize for saying it and cry. My children are so wonderful and supportive.







:

They are aware that I was spanked when I was little and that dh was beat.







uke We are all committed to ensuring the cycle does not continue though sometimes the words come from no where.

It is the thing I am most ashamed of







:


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## lizanneh (Jun 4, 2006)

I swatted DD on the (diaper-covered) butt a few times (emotional pain, not physical) when I lost my temper. I think she was 2 at the time, and it was before I came to MDC and learned about GD. What made me decide to stop was seeing DH do it. It was so obvious when I saw him do it that he was swatting her butt because he had lost control. Once I knew what it looked like, I quit cold turkey.

Once, DD and I sat down and talked very frankly about how mommy would never hit her or hurt her on purpose, and I apologized for losing my temper with her in the past. It was very healing for me, and also helpful for the trust between my sensitive little DD and myself.

It took a little longer to get DH to stop swatting, but he hasn't done it in over a year, so I think that's pretty good. I mean, 3.5 year-olds are pretty trying, so if he managed to keep his hand at his side, then I think he's kicked it as well.

In truth, I think a lot of parents think there's a difference between swatting and spanking, or spanking with a hand vs. an object. Ultimately, though, if you put spanking in the right context (would you do that to an adult, an animal, etc.), you see if for what it is. It's a parental temper tantrum, a power struggle, and either emotional or physical abuse.

As for me, I was spanked upon occasion by my mom. It was the over-the-knee with a wooden spoon or hand kind of spanking. The last time she tried it I was 12, and I got my butt into a corner and kicked her away. So, her violence towards me elicited violence in return. I never wanted to spank my kids "that way" and thought swatting my DD's little butt was different...until I saw that the adult doing it looked the same as my mom looked when I was 12.


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## WonderWild (May 13, 2004)

It wasn't something that I meant to do. My hand did hit his bottom once but it wasn't a thought out thing. I would have never done it if I wasn't caught up in a stupid power struggle. Never again!


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Yes, I have. I have to admit it too, because it's so important to reflect on it from time to time I think. It's important because the conditions that led me to spanking are the same conditions that lead so many to do it, and the fact that they can be dealt with and changed is so wonderful. When we know better we do better and all that...









I have no idea how many actual times I have spanked. My Dd only really remembers one time that I hit her on the behind. My Ds had more than that I am sure. He was what many would call "spirited" and most called a "brat".







It was a difficult time for us, but I sought a good counselor and we made it through. Every single time I resorted to physical stuff all those years ago it was because I felt like I had no other choice. Now I can see that it wasn't true because I have the tools to do that. I wish I had known that back then.


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## FLmom_3 (Jan 13, 2007)

I wanted to add a moment we'd had with our youngest that helped open eyes for my husband and may help others who spank.

We were spankers. I took parenting courses prior to my first child but was only taught time-outs and reasoning. They didn't tell you how to handle situations when the child is too young for reasoning and time-out doesn't work (she'd just get up and say no and walk off). From there, I didn't know of any other way. If it worked for them, I probably honestly wouldn't have looked for anything different because I felt I was doing "what I had to do as their parent" to teach them right from wrong, though I didn't like or feel good about it. Luckily, it didn't work and began to fade out, until I decided to stop completely. Even when I spanked, I didn't begin to do so until they were older because I tried to be sure they were old enough to "understand" (don't jump all over me for this-use it more as an insight to "spanker's point of view" to help when trying to talk with them). I had been speaking with my husband about why I didn't feel it would accomplish what we were trying to accomplish with it and he agreed to work with me.
My 3 yo (youngest), had never been spanked. One day she stood up in her car seat while I was driving on a 65 MPH street. My husband saw her and out of fear, he reached back and popped her upper thigh and told her she could never do that because it wasn't safe. A look of shock came over her face (and mine too)!







: We pulled in a gas station and while he ran in, I tried to talk to her to help her understand as best I could what happened and let her know Daddy loved her (she was shocked and very hurt). When he got out of the car, she said while sniffling and with a trembling voice, "Mommy, Daddy hit my weg". I tried to explain that he wasn't trying to be mean and asked "didn't Daddy tell you many times it is important not to stand up in your seat?" She agreed. I asked if she stood up in her seat, and she mumbled "yea" and I explained that when she did, it scared Daddy so much and he was just trying to be sure she didn't do it again so she wouldn't get hurt and he didn't mean to hit her. Then I asked if she understood why Daddy spanked and she nodded yes. I asked why, and she said "Cuz' Daddy hit my weg" in a pitiful voice and began to cry again with her hands covering her eyes! It wasn't hard at all and probably didn't hurt but it DID hurt her feelings horribly and KILLED me to see her that way. I wasn't trying to justify it but didn't want to "badmouth" as soon as he left the car either cuz' by the look on his face, he felt bad & it was a snap decision - I know he loves her. When he got back in the car, I made him hear it himself by asking right in front of him "why did Daddy spank?" and she replied the same. I wasn't trying to terrorize her with it but felt if he'd heard it from her as I did, it would make much more of an impact than my throwing a fit about it (I did add my 2 cents of guilt here and there though!







) He felt horrible, apologized and hasn't spanked since. He saw for the first time that they truly don't look at spankings and hitting any differently. I think we are finally on the same page.
Sorry it was so long but I felt this may help some that aren't members of the board but are browsing to understand. I know not all spankers are abusive (I wasn't) and many do love their children (I do) and feel it is a must. Sometimes, it takes an innocent child's point of view to help parents see it for what it is. I struggle everyday with urges but if you openly try and imagine what is really going through your child's mind, you can get past it.


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## AugustineM (Mar 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
Yes, I have. I have to admit it too, because it's so important to reflect on it from time to time I think. It's important because the conditions that led me to spanking are the same conditions that lead so many to do it, and the fact that they can be dealt with and changed is so wonderful. When we know better we do better and all that...









Same here. I have spanked DS a few times, maybe 2-3 total. I feel the same as you. I have to admit it, even though it is terribly difficult for me to, and I am ashamed of it. I never, ever want to spank my children, or be rough with them, or anything. I think spanking is a horrible discipline technique, never called for. The times that I Have spanked him have been right before DD was born and then right after DD was born, one time when he jumped on top of her when she was 10 days old. I vowed never to do it again the last time I did, and it's been nearly 8 months. What helps me is to have a pat technique or phrase that I use when I feel on the edge. The worst for me is when DS hurts DD. I feel this mama bear rage and it feels nearly impossible to control. So I've started using a pat phrase... this works so well. I want to be GD for the good of my children, but man is it hard sometimes. I'm working, I'm working... sigh...


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

I have spanked before - that's the way dh and I were raised. I thought it was effective at the time. Now I realize it really isn't very effective, and I get better results with GD. I also realized giving myself permission to spank was giving myself permission to be a lazy parent. It is easier to pop a butt sometimes than to have a teaching moment. But just because something is easier doesn't make it best. I've also seen that it seems like you have to hit harder and harder for it to "work" as kids age and get more determined - at that point, it started making me nervous.


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## CalebsMama05 (Nov 26, 2005)

I voted more than once or twice but never again.

that is being optimistic. i'm not gonna lie this is something I struggle with every day. its been awhile (I think like 3-4weeks) so I think I've got it beat!

(pun not intended)


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## julesmom (Apr 18, 2005)

No. I was not hit as a child so even when the frustration level gets high, the thought to spank is not an initial reaction.

Forever grateful for my parents and their very gentle parenting.


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## jes_mar_wak_hod (Dec 16, 2006)

Well, I have never spanked my own child but I guess that I would have to say yes-once. My little brother used to be SOOOOO stubborn when he was 3 or 4 that I would end up crying from trying to get him to do something simple. He would be refusing and yelling calling me a poophead or whatever was his favorite mean word of the day LOL. I didn't believe in hitting even then but once I couldn't handle it and I put him in a big laundry basket so he couldn't kick me. He called me names the whole time but when I got him out ye screamed to get back in LOL. Talk about ineffective punishment! He liked it!!!

But anyways the one time I did spank was when I was really frustrated at his kicking, screaming, and hitting. I only lightly smacked his leg but then cried for an hour because that is just NOT part of my values and it was wrong. Somehow I was the only one in my family that felt that way though. My parents and sisters had NO problem with spanking and slapping him 20 times a day. They blamed my "weirdness" on reading too much. *eyeroll*


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## SwissMama (Sep 5, 2005)

Oh No! I completely misread the title.

I thought it said "were you ever spanked" so I answered accordingly. Now, i might look bad because of that - I have NEVER spanked.

I got very angry with my daughter the other day for running away from me and onto the street, and I have to admit, there was a slight urge to be a little physical. But I have never hit her.


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

One thing that I find interesting - alot of people equate spanking with anger. I don't. And alot of people seem to think it is more forgivable if you have spanked out of anger than if you spanked out of thinking it was a good form of discipline at the time? I don't. I think it is wrong, wrong to take anger out on a child physically. Just thought it was interesting...


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## asherah (Nov 25, 2001)

No.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Yes, once.

After a very bad day, where I had already been at the end of my rope for a few hours. Alex whacked me in the face while I was trying to put him in his booster, and then did it again when I asked him to please not hit me. I swatted his bottom once.

I cried the entire hour ride home while DP drove. He never said anything, except that I should not be too hard on myself. I still feel like crying when I think about it, it's awful.

The worst part? DS and I talked about it at length, he was so hurt and confused by my actions. In his 4 years of life, he'd never been hit.







For several weeks after that, when he got mad at us he'd yell, "I'm going to hit your butt!"

It was awful, just awful. I will chop off my hands before I ever, ever put a hand on my child ever again. I don't know what posessed me to do it, but I could never live with myself if it ever happened again. It's hard enough to live with it now.

Boy, that was hard to type out.


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## Diane B (Mar 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom22girls* 
Suggestions for dire situations REALLY welcome!

-H

Well...we rarely, rarely raise our voices, so in a couple of situations similar to what you described, my partner and I both yelled - loudly - STOP!!!

This certainly got her attention - and was quite upsetting to her too, BTW...I really don't think there is some "special" situation where hitting another person is the only possible response. Since hitting is just 100% not an option for us, we used what was available and it worked just fine. I'm sure you can find something that works for you too!

It's very heartening to me to see how many non-spankers and ex-spankers there are, BTW. I'm so anti-spanking that I edit it out of books (like the otherwise excellent "Bedtime for Francis.") My friends think I'm nuts (even thought they don't spank either - I think!)


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## SwissMama (Sep 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2bluefish* 
One thing that I find interesting - alot of people equate spanking with anger. I don't. And alot of people seem to think it is more forgivable if you have spanked out of anger than if you spanked out of thinking it was a good form of discipline at the time? I don't. I think it is wrong, wrong to take anger out on a child physically. Just thought it was interesting...

I did read one study once that a swat out of anger was less damaging then a premeditated swat. In the first case (anger), you can apologize and explain that mommy is human, was angry and did a bad thing. In the second case, its like you put some thought into it, and the swat is more disconnected to the disobedient action and therefore more connected to a "i'm not valuable" type mentality in the child.

I wish i had the exact reference to the study; but I didn't save it; the point was moot for me since I don't swat in ANY case.


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## bec (Dec 13, 2002)

No, I never have. I yell, instead.







That's the thing I'm working on.


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## moonbeam7627 (Jan 26, 2006)

Other.My dd1 is 12 and I can honestly say that I have had to spank on occation over the past 4 or 5 years. When she was verry small I did when she would do something that could potentially seriously injure her (touching the hot stove, running out in the road) ONLY! And at the time that was acctually concidered to be part of GD, it was a little hurt to stop a big hurt.
We need to find big kid GD tactics somewhere now, none of the stuff we know works anymore and when she steps up I have a habbit of stepping up too. So I can not say I won't spank agian but I can say I REALLY don't want to. It has broken my heart every time I had to.


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## kaspirant (Apr 28, 2006)

where's the He!! NO!! Option?!? No never spanked and never will. If I ever get close...I need to work on my own self control...


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## Lisa85 (May 22, 2006)

No, but dd is only 16 months old so I'm not sure that even somebody who does think spanking is acceptable would do so to a baby her age.

I do find myself on the verge of yelling (more than a firm "please don't do that" but not yelling either) though sometimes and I HATE it. I do find it easier now that she is understanding more and more everyday. I hope I never turn into a yeller/screamer.


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa85* 
No, but dd is only 16 months old so I'm not sure that even somebody who does think spanking is acceptable would do so to a baby her age.

Sadly, that is not true.


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## moonbeam7627 (Jan 26, 2006)

I watched one of my best friends spank her 9 month old and I was freaking out on the inside. I guess I am just hoping that was a stressful time in her life (no I do not thik of that as an excuse) and it stopped. I haven't seen it since.


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## motherspeak (Jun 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2bluefish* 
Sadly, that is not true.

unfortunately people do spank very young children...







here is Canada it is actually illegal to spank a child younger than 2! While that is great, unfortunately it is still okay to spank your child over 2 (although only with your hand - spanking with wooden spoons, belts, rods etc is also not legal). Interesting how laws are made....







:


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## motherspeak (Jun 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonbeam7627* 
I watched one of my best friends spank her 9 month old and I was freaking out on the inside. I guess I am just hoping that was a stressful time in her life (no I do not thik of that as an excuse) and it stopped. I haven't seen it since.

wow...9 months is so little...







: I have never spanked, although in a very stressed out moment I have sent to my oldest (born 97)..."if I was the kind of parent who spanked...this is when I would be doing it!" - not very attachment friendly parenting, but better than spanking, especially spanking when angry.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

No it's not, but I think it can get a lot harder when kids get older, if you were spanked and had issues. When my ds was a baby, it was easy to say "I would NEVER do that." Now years later, I admit there have been times I had to try hard not to. He's tough sometimes when I'm drained, and I am virtually deprogramming myself from my own upbringing.

eta: ok i see you said you were spanked as well, so you know how that goes. Spanking is never acceptable, but I just think it's harder for some among us due to varying pressures and varying experiences. I never dreamed it would be so hard at times to not repeat what my parents did, once I knew I so badly didnt' want to do it. Another reason not to do it to your own children.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2bluefish* 
Sadly, that is not true.


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## motherspeak (Jun 23, 2006)

I was spanked as a child, and that made me all the more certain that I never would spank my children. When I read "how to talk so kid's will listen...." it talks about the ineffectiveness of spanking - if you were spanked as child, what did you remember? how did that make you feel? The point being that most children who were spanked (I am sure not all) did not even remember why they were spanked, and certainly most didn't remember what they had done to "deserve" a spanking, nor did they feel "bad" about what they had done...instead they remember how angry they were at the person who spanked them, even revenge fantasies of getting even...not what I want my child to feel or remember.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hazelnut* 
No it's not, but I think it can get a lot harder when kids get older, if you were spanked and had issues. When my ds was a baby, it was easy to say "I would NEVER do that." Now years later, I admit there have been times I had to try hard not to. He's tough sometimes when I'm drained, and I am virtually deprogramming myself from my own upbringing.

eta: ok i see you said you were spanked as well, so you know how that goes. Spanking is never acceptable, but I just think it's harder for some among us due to varying pressures and varying experiences. I never dreamed it would be so hard at times to not repeat what my parents did, once I knew I so badly didnt' want to do it. Another reason not to do it to your own children.


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

Editing this, because I don't want it to be taken wrong (or as violating UA or something)-

I was spanked as a child - I have absolutely no bad memories of it or hard feelings about it. (DH is the same.) I did follow my parents example and disciplined my dd in her second year of life with spanking. I had mixed feelings about how it was working out, and sought out some alternatives. I think it is really hard for people who were spanked but feel they were raised well and are not bitter about it to get really excited about changing. Most of my closest friends and family were spanked and are spankers.


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## sasayaki (May 6, 2006)

Once. 







I don't even remember what it was about. I remember feeling really frustrated and exhausted. No excuse, though. I swatted his cloth diapered bum, and he hit me back!! (duh, right?) And it really made me think about what I was teaching my son. I apologized to him and gave him a hug.

I used to get spanked frequently as a child. Wooden spoon. I always swore that I'd never hit my child. I remember once when I was in grade 11, we were having a class discussion about spanking, and there were maybe 3 students who said they would never spank. But when questioned further, I was the only one (in a class of 30) who didn't believe in spanking.

I still don't believe in spanking, I think it just perpetuates violence, and gives kids the wrong tools to handle their conflicts. So while I'm very embarrassed to have spanked my son once, it was a learning experience, and one that I would not repeat.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_I was spanked as a child, and that made me all the more certain that I never would spank my children. When I read "how to talk so kid's will listen...." it talks about the ineffectiveness of spanking - if you were spanked as child, what did you remember? how did that make you feel? The point being that most children who were spanked (I am sure not all) did not even remember why they were spanked, and certainly most didn't remember what they had done to "deserve" a spanking, nor did they feel "bad" about what they had done...instead they remember how angry they were at the person who spanked them, even revenge fantasies of getting even...not what I want my child to feel or remember._

I remember being spanked too, and feeling very ashamed about it, and angry. So yes, for me it also made me that much more determined NOT to spank. That is why I was so surprised when it was difficult at times to resist as he became older and more challenging. It's like it's just programmed in you (at least that's how I felt). I think people unconsciously and unwillingly repeat their parents mistakes all the time, and not because they think it was a great parenting method. That's why it's so important to recognize that one will likely repeat the cycle if they don't strive to stop it. It's just that I thought that first step was the hard part, and it was actually the easy part.

Although, I will also say that I think their non-corporal punishment methods of parenting effected me more: the authoritarian attitude (they were ALWAYS right), the periodic shaming, and the conditional love (to borrow Kohn's phrasing) that made me feel like I was only loved if I behaved well. I think those were all worse than spanking, and also something that I have to work on from seeping in when things get really tough, i.e. when all the gd tactics seem to be failing. Not that I think that is any kind of excuse, or that I could _ever_ rely on those "methods" completely, the way my parents did. But resisting them 100%, 100% of the time hasn't always been easy for me.


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## GenomicsGirl (Jan 25, 2004)

Three thoughts have been running through my head since I voted in this poll a few days ago:

1) So I told dh last night that his mom spanked ds1 when he was about 12 months old because he was kicking and didn't want his diaper changed. Ds1 is 3.5 years old now ... and I'd kept that secret all this time! When MIL told me that she spanked his bare bottom, I told her that she better not tell my dh because he would never let her be alone with ds ever again in she was going to spank. That threat was enough for her to leave him alone. What type of person spanks a 12-month old? Was I wrong to NOT tell dh that his mom spanked ds?

2) Ds1 asked me why his friend's mom "smacked his bum" at the mall last week. He had thought about it for 5 days before he brought it up to me! Poor kid just couldn't get it out of his mind.

3) That same friend who smacks her 4yr old ds also started spanking her dd when she was about 10 months old. She doesn't beat the children, by any means, but it's just something that I don't want my kids to see. Since ds1 has an aggression issue to begin with, what lesson is he learning from watching an adult smack a child's bum?


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hazelnut* 
Although, I will also say that I think their non-corporal punishment methods of parenting effected me more: the authoritarian attitude (they were ALWAYS right), the periodic shaming, and the conditional love (to borrow Kohn's phrasing) that made me feel like I was only loved if I behaved well. I think those were all worse than spanking,.

I think that might be the key. Kids forgive spanking easier when it is part of an overall scheme of gentle parenting (not saying it's correct to spank). Then when those kids become adults like me and my dh, it initially appears that spanking must be beneficial, because we feel so good about our upbringing. It takes realizing that it was all the other AP and GD things our parents did that really made the impact, in order to feel like changing. So I wouldn't judge a parent I saw spanking if I have no idea how they treat their children. It is a complex issue - and some parents really feel they are being loving and showing their children the correct way by spanking. Those parents have to be addressed in a different way.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

At this time, I am closing this thread to new posts so that I can review with heartmama. The MDC User Agreement states that we must each:

Quote:

*Follow the rules and guidelines specific to individual forums. These will be posted at the top of the forum.*
Please take a moment to re-read the Gentle Discipline Forum Guidelines. This thread was in no way intended to promote spanking, no matter what the circumstances.

Quote:

*Welcome to Gentle Discipline:*
This forum has a specific aim: to help parents learn and apply gentle discipline methods in raising their children.

Quote:

Effective discipline is based on loving guidance. It is based on the belief that children are born innately good and that our role as parents is to nurture their spirits as they learn about limits and boundaries, rather than to curb their tendencies toward wrongdoing. Effective discipline presumes that children have reasons for their behavior and that cooperation can be engaged to solve shared problems.

Hitting is never the best way to teach a child. Even in the case of real danger - as when a child runs out into the road - you can grab him, sit him down, look him in the eyes, and tell him why he must never do that again. The panic in your voice will communicate your message much more effectively than any spanking. You can be dramatic without being abusive.

'Natural Family Living' by Peggy O'Mara
*Please appreciate that this forum is not a place to uphold or advocate physical punishment of children. Personal preferences for and encouragement of use of physical punishment are inappropriately posted here. Posts of that nature will be edited by the member upon request or will be removed.*

Please feel free to discuss your problems and needs with the intent to learn more about Gentle Discipline.

The UA also explains:

Quote:

Mothering.com is the website of natural family living and advocates natural solutions to parenting challenges. *We host discussion of* nighttime parenting, *loving discipline*, natural birth, homebirth, successful breastfeeding, alternative and complementary home remedies, informed consent, *and many other topics from a natural point of view*. *We are not interested, however, in hosting discussions on the merits of* crying it out, *physical punishment*, formula feeding, elective cesarean section, routine infant medical circumcision, or mandatory vaccinations.
Please contact me or heartmama, this forum's moderators, via PM if you have any further questions or comments. Thanks


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