# Generating a self-check checklist



## NoraJadesMama (Aug 16, 2003)

I want to follow up on something cool that emerged in another thread:

Quote:

_Originally posted by AmyMN_
*
When my dd is "acting up", I have finally learned to do a self-check. Since I started doing this, things are going much smoother for me as a mother:

What attitudes am I sending out? Am I thinking that dd is in my way/a nuisance rather than a contribution to me and the family? Am I angry at myself or my dh? Am I behaving in an addictive way (such as spending too much time on the computer or procrastinating or getting sidetracked) which tunes me out from my dd's signals? Am I uncomfortable with my dd's display of emotions? Am I being unfocused, indecisive, wishy washy, asking too many questions (to dd)? Am I being impatient with myself? Am I trying to accomplish too many things around the house and not taking time to smell the flowers, smile, laugh, dance? Am I being resistant of my child's love, respect and adoration of me? Have I kept us in the house all day (no fresh air, people contact, physical activity)? Is it a boring day? Am I not taking responsibility for my own happiness?

I can promise you that when dd is "acting up", the answers to at least one of these above questions is "YES!" Notice that none of my questions have *anything* to do with what my *dd* is doing/saying/being.
*








I agree with eminer who said:

Quote:

_Originally posted by eminer_
*Amy -- I love your list!!!! It's so succint and well-put; I'm posting it on the fridge.
*
Does anyone else have questions to add, from their own experience? Or examples of times when they saw clearly that it was where they were at that was at the root of the problem? TIA


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## Bearsmama (Aug 10, 2002)

Norajadesmom-Thanks for re-posting this. I wouldn't have found it. This is a great list. I really, really, really want to hang it on our fridge, but our $%^#$% printer is busted!


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## mamanonymous (Mar 7, 2003)

This list is wonderful! I really needed it. My printer is broken too so I hand wrote it out and when I realized how many I said yes too, I realized why my kids have been acting up the way they have! They are feeding off all my negative energy! It's no wonder things have felt so hard around here lately! Definitely some good things for me to think about and work on.


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## morsan (Jul 24, 2002)

Yes, I agree! What an awesome list. There's so much truth to it, simplicity, and yet it's so hard for us to recognize these things. All these questions brings to awareness that we as parents are children as well. That we brought our childhoods into our parenting, and that unless we deal with those past issues, we can't be healthy parents. Our children are modeling our behaviours (be it impatience, overambition, emotional insecurity, inrecognition of achild's innate sociability), much in the same way that WE are modeling our parents behaviours (our society as a whole).
The difficult task in all this is to do something about the issues once we realize where the problem lies, once we have answered yes to any of the above questions. Many times I would answer yes to "Am I behaving in an addictive way?". What makes me behave in this addictive way? Why am I not content about the way our lives are this day, this moment, why do I seek fun, comfort, contact elsewhere?
I'm stay-at-home-mom again. I used to be with ds from birth to 20 months, 24-7. I felt like I was living just for him. You can't expect to feel happy with only the company of a small child most of the day. We used to live in the Twin Cities and I didn't have a nice network of like-minded friends who were also parents and could support us through this journey. Things would have perhaps looked very different had we had that "community" we so desperately sought. It's not enough to have a friend you can call and get together with once in a while (like Amy and I, because we lived so far away from one another, although that was what kept me sane). We needed the daily community life, being able to cook together, talk when feeling like it, even clean etc. Now, our family is on the way towards community life, but I wish that we could have had that to begin with. So many nasty things could have been spared. This community life won't be enough though unless I take steps to heal myself. But I think that will come easier with the daily mundane support of friends.


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