# I an SO TIRED of them stealing food!!!!



## childsplay (Sep 4, 2007)

We have healthy balanced meals, snacktimes, unlimited access to cold water bottles and apples, I pack huge lunches for them, (thermos of 'meal' like chicken/potatoes, spagetti, pancakes, etc...a fruit, yogurt, bread and cheese, plus two snacky things like granola bar and cookie) we have after school snack, always homemade like cornbread or muffins, plus they finish up what they didn't eat at school. A few hours later we eat supper, or should I say, us big people eat, the little people , well, don't.
In between snack and supper I find granola wrappers, yogurt containers, banana peels, cookie crumbs everywhere. And it's not for total lack of supervision, they're usually within sight of me, or talking to me, or doing puzzle or reading with me, heck, and I'm usually in the kitchen with the babies. And they're 5 and 6 year olds....who are used to entertaining themselves. BUT, if I duck out to pee, hang a load of wash, hand off a daycare babe to his Mama, grab some veg from the garden, change a bum, etc....that's when the stealing happens. I've hidden granola bars and treats in the highest farthest cupboards, and they still take them : ( I've talked, I've bargained, I've argued, I've been firm, I've been mad, I've been furious, I've been understanding, I've been frusterated, I've been crying on the floor at 7am because the stuff I bought specifically for lunches is gone and I have no money to replace it till payday and I'm terrified of sending them to school all day without enough food.
I am at my wits end. I've packed everything in a duffel bag and hid it on my closet shelf, I've told them that tonights dessert will be their reheated dinner, as it will be tomorrow's lunch too (it's a great dinner btw, homemade Chinese food, which they usually like but are just to stuffed on pilfered junk to enjoy it)
I'm really upset about this, we're very open about our grocery finances with the kids, and they help with lists and at the store we talk about what's the best deal etc, what we'd have to not do that week in order to buy an 'extra', so for them to turn around and steal these 'special' luch items is really sickening to me.
I feel awful for yelling at them, yup I totally lost it, the whole GD thing went flying out the window. I even called them ingrates : ( Now they're all in Ds's room looking at books....being unnaturally quiet. Not a good quiet either. Gad I just feel like poop about this.....
Maybe I'm overthinking it? Maybe they're just hungry? I can't see it though. Maybe they're just being kids and testing their boundaries?
Anyway, I guess this was more of a vent....thanks for 'listening' I'm going in to read to them now, I don't know if we'll talk about it anymore tonight though.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Store bought junk food, like granola bars, taste much better than homemade food and are very hard for young kids to resist. I remember going crazy and gorging on store bought food whenever I got the chance as a young kid. I don't think it is because of depravation, some people's taste buds prefer different things and store bought food happened to be what my taste buds preferred.

Perhaps you could switch to giving them the homemade stuff with their lunch and the granola bars as a snack when they get home. If they eat all of the granola bars behind your back then I think you should give them something else from the grain group for a snack, like a piece of bread and if there is complaining tell them you are sad there aren't granola bars too and that there won't be again until payday. If their school offers hot lunch it may be a cheaper alternative, especially if you qualify for reduced or free lunch. Many school districts are going with much healthier alternatives and you may find that yours is if you call and talk to the cooks.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I don't buy granola bars or packaged yogurt and one of the reasons is b/c I know my kids would eat them up quickly (and I would have to hide them like you do, if I wanted them to last for something like school snacks). I don't buy crackers or cereal (except occasionally) for similar reasons. Plus, I really try to avoid processed stuff like that so it's a win-win. No wrappers all over my house, no money spent wasted on junky foods. I would just tell them these are what I bought, and when they are gone, they are gone (for the pre-packaged stuff). Not that they will necessarily regulate how many they eat a day that way, but at least it won't be an issue until you buy more again.

We always have a variety of fresh fruit and veggies, cheese, nuts, etc., availaibe so I don't feel like I have to control what and when they choose to eat, yk? The only thing is if I need something for a recipe and I don't want it all gone before I cook, I might mention it to the kids so they don't eat it. But really, it's not the end of the world if I have to go to the store again.

My kids get home from school at 4:30 and they tend to be super hungry by then. And they eat a good breakfast in the morning before leaving, have been eating yet a second breakfast once they get to school (they have a choice to go to breakfast or go to the playground before the bell rings), then they have snacktime mid-morning, then lunchtime, then what must seem like a really long time until they get off the bus. So they tend to eat quite a bit between 4:30-5:00 which works well b/c we eat dinner later. Sometimes I feel like they are always hungry, and always eating!! But really, they are healthy weights (my boys even a bit on the too skinny side) and I know that what they eat at home is very healthy so it's not even an issue.


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## BrooklynDoula (Oct 23, 2002)

My experience is similar to the others. If I buy junky snacks, then that is all they want to eat. So, I don't buy it or only as a rare treat. It does make packing lunches a bigger challenge, but I find the cost is so much less and the frustration of too much snacking is removed. Things I find work as snacks instead:

dried mango, bananna, apple
homemade popcorn
cheese
nuts
fruit/veggies
hummus
corn chips (I get small bags, a junk food item)
smoothies (at home snack obviously)
hard boiled eggs
raviolis (they will eat them cocked but cold)

I really think, given everything you have tried, that the right answer might be to just remove the temptation.


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## gillibean (Nov 28, 2006)

I would think that a natural consequence of stealing the treats is that there simply wouldn't be any for lunch. Of course in my home it's DH who pigs out on the treats, which we rarely get at all.


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

Like pp, I don't keep prepackaged food at home. I've made my own granola bars in the past, but no premade ones. Their lunches consist of sandwich or noodles/soup, fruit, and homemade treat. The younger one likes to have his treat at home after school.

I would fill their lunches with fruit, nuts, cheese, ect. Then just don't buy the premade stuff. That way it's not even an option. Boxes of cereal get inhaled at my house, so we simply don't have them. The kids can have toast, eggs, frozen pancakes, or whatever for breakfast.


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## Oubliette8 (Apr 15, 2009)

They might actually be hungry, particularly if they are going through a growth spurt. My parents limited snacks and I distinctly remember feeling very hungry, being denied snacks, and having to steal them instead. It didn't happen all the time, I think it was more common during growth spurts and such. They other thing was that because the food was off limits, when left alone we'd make a mad dash for the goodies.

Some things that might work- offer them healthy snacks. If they say they are hungry, offer them something specific (There are carrot sticks or string cheese, which would you like?) If they aren't really hungry but just craving the sweets, they'll normally decline, if they're really hungry, well, anythings better than nothing.

I also think its perfectly reasonable to set a natural consequence- if they steal all the granola bars, then there are no granola bars until the next regularly scheduled shopping trip. Might it help to ratio them at the beginning of the week(everyone has X number granola bars to last them for the week, once you run out, there are no more) It might even help to put there ration in a bag with their name on it- then they can see what is theirs, and what needs to last for other people. i would think more about stealing a granola bar from my brother's bag than I would about taking one from the family cupboard.


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## childsplay (Sep 4, 2007)

Thanks for all the replies, I agree, I think they just go a little crazy when they know that there's store bought junk in the house.
I really don't like buying huge boxes of granola bars, but they're cheap and quick, the yougurt as well, it's easy to throw in their lunchbags, but it's loaded with aspartame.
I really like the idea of just not buying any of it, the money being saved on premade stuff could be used for more baking supplies, fruits, cheeses and breads.
The kids seemed fine in the end, we had a little talk about it and ds said he took the granola bars because they taste good. ( the simple honest explanations of a child : ) and we worked on a model ship for a while. They didn't mention my yelling but my other ds said "you've had a very long day"

All was well this am. but I didn't pack any of the remaining junk, instead loaded up their lunchbags with leftovers, muffins and raisins and peaches. I think they can deal with that : )


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## Cavy (Aug 21, 2009)

I have a combination lock (only DH and I know the combo) on the 'treats' cupboard, which is where we store cookies, granola bars, some dried fruit, chocolate and crisps (potato chips).

DD was sneaking down at night and raiding the cupboard after 9pm, DS (4-5yo) was helping himself when my back was turned.

From what I've heard, the lock will come in especially handy when they are teenagers. Impossible to keep any supplies of yummy food in the house for any amount of time, otherwise.

They have free access to stuff like bagels and bananas.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

From what I've heard, the lock will come in especially handy when they are teenagers. Impossible to keep any supplies of yummy food in the house for any amount of time, otherwise.
I would urge you to reconsider this approach. Using a lock to control the food in your home, as a long term plan, may create all kinds of unhealthy power struggles around food.

Certainly by the teenager years, if children have no sense of control over food at home, they will obtain it elsewhere.

To the OP, I would stop buying the pre packaged foods. It sounds like the emotional turmoil is just not worth the stress. It sounds like you and the kids are 'upping the ante' around this issue, and when that happens, I usually find it's wisest to elminate the source for awhile and 'reset' the situation.

I have found that all three of us (ds, dh, myself) will burn through packaged foods quickly. A box of cereal is gone in a day. So, we switched to a large carton of oatmeal. That will last all week.

For whatever reason it is very common for parents to find themselves tempted to ration packaged foods. It is a common power struggle. Even adults tend to binge on packaged foods, but have much better control over bulk items, or items that require one step of preparation (like a pb and j sandwich).


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## elisent (May 30, 2006)

I have actually been considering a lock, too. My older 3 just do not know how to stop eating even when they're full. And half the time they just destroy it. The only thing worse than finding 4 packages of expensive berries have all been eaten the first day by one person is to find that half of them were thrown under the table and then stomped on so they stain the floor.

Yes, they have supervision but sometimes I am busy giving one a bath or something, and they also like to randomly wake up at 5am some days and can be very quiet.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Please don't lock up your food. Heartmama said it well. If it is becoming a power struggle, then just don't buy that stuff anymore.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I would do whatever it took to make food not so much of an issue. I would, at any cost, avoid locking food up because that can create hoarding behavior with food, which can lead to serious obesity/overeating issues.

If some foods are big problems, don't buy them, or at least don't buy them unless they're understood to be available whenever anyone wants them.


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## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

I can see where keeping a combination-locked supply of goodies could be helpful. When kids are totally lacking in self control, and it's more trouble than it's worth to do the whole "consequences" thing, sometimes it's just wiser to choose your priorities. In other words, there is a lock, the granola bars are off limits, period. End of battles. No more stress for mommy. Done.

Then there will be enough goodies for lunches, the kids can better use their energy than trying to sneak things and can actually re-focus themselves on playing and such, and when Mommy goes to use the food, it is still there. All without anyone yelling, pestering, or plaguing. I think there is nothing wrong with this. I mean, you only have so much energy to run around after them.

Then every so often, you get rid of the lock and let them know that the lock will STAY OFF if they can control themselves. Probably they willl control themselves for a day or two, and then the lock might go back on for another period of time. Anyway, a lock would provide a short-term solution for all the mindless food grabbing, which kids LOVE to do when they are bored or just being annoying. No one needs to be grab-grabbing at food all day. THAT is unhealthy. I know some kids need snacks---although fewer snacks in general than we, as an overweight society, are led to believe----but the OP is NOT NOT NOT starving her children.

I like the lock idea. Get the food grabbies over with and let the kids refocus their energy on more worthwhile pursuits. I also second the idea of having no pre-packaged food in the house. But that can be hard to do, especially if you are a normal, human mother with only so many hours in a day. Most of us don't have time to mix up granola bars from scratch every day.







You have to put something in the 'ol lunch boxes. And it gets pretty expensive if Junior eats all the lunch box food and Mommy has to keep buying more. And which of us is truly going to send the kids to school/wherever with not enough food, hoping Junior will make the connection between his empty stomach all afternoon and the granola bars he snuck three days earlier? ??

I say get the lock. Sure, try to reduce prepackaged food, but get the lock anyway and move on to more useful ways for you all to spend your energy. It would also provide some boundaries for the kids and say to them, "Hey, we're done eating now, so let's move the subject away from food and think about something else now." It is healthy not to be thinking about food all. darned. day. Keep an unlimited supply of healthy snacks (think raw veggies and low carb foods) around for them, and leave it at that. If my kids are truly hungry, they will take the cucumbers and carrots and peppers I offer them. But I also make sure their three meals a day are good ones, and I give them a snack after school before their very intense sports practice.

Good luck!! And be sure to tell US all the combination, LOL, so we can eat your granola bars while you're snoozing!


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *childsplay* 
I really don't like buying huge boxes of granola bars, but they're cheap and quick, the yougurt as well, it's easy to throw in their lunchbags, but it's loaded with aspartame.

There are plenty of brands of yogurt that don't use artificial sweeteners.

As a mother of two teenagers, I cannot imagine locking food away where they couldn't get to it. That just seems wrong on so many levels. It indicates a lack of trust.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

All the food in our house belongs to all the people in our house. One cannot steal what one already owns.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I'm having a hard time understanding locking up food. I mean, freestyler had a good explanation but I just can't see it getting to that point. I would much rather not buy the granola bars, or have them be gone in a day or two and have no more for snacks/lunches as a consequence.

I guess I could see hiding a bag of halloween candy in my closet - but if I did that, I would likely not even mention that I had bought them to my kids. So, I suppose that is similar in a way... but for some reason buying junk/packaged foods and locking them up within sight of other family members seems really odd to me.


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## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

I agree with those suggesting making after school snack include those treat types, so that they can enjoy them *with* you, not sneak them. They can't feel too good about "stealing" after you've asked them not to, etc.








So then there won't also be granola bar or cookie in the lunch box, that would be the muffin or cornbread instead.

We have a treat snack after school, dd & I together, usually as a "tea time." Then it isn't forbidden, hidden, etc. I wish we had no packaged or processed food in the house, but we do in moderation, and I try to model a balanced enjoyment of things. I used to hide sweets as a kid, I didn't want to set that up.

Our rationale goes something like: "Yes, we bake and eat cookies/store bought granola bars, etc, after school. No, usually not for breakfast or immediately before bed. Here's my thinking on why." Dd, 7, is totally able to be on board with this.


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## jenners26 (Mar 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
All the food in our house belongs to all the people in our house. One cannot steal what one already owns.

Yes, exactly. I agree.

Maybe you could talk to them about your concerns (not having enough food for their lunches) and ask them for alternatives they'd like to have in their lunches if they end up eating all of the food you had planned on using. If time is an issue, pack their lunches the night before. I can't imagine not letting my kids eat what they wanted in their own house.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

I am glad I am not the only one with this issue. If I buy Yobaby yogurts (they don't have the junk in them) they are gone by afternoon, with 2 uneaten and destroyed. Granola bars? Pilfered. They spend all day grazing healthy snacks, and I obviously allow them to. Cheese? Sure. Apples? Have at them. Destroying and binging on goodies? Not cool.

So I don't buy any granola bars and I buy the drinkable yogurts once in a blue moon. I had given my kids 100% blueberry juice until they whined for it all the time. Wanted more than a half glass a day. Instead of being supreme dicatator, I just don't buy it. I decided that battle wasn't worth it and they never mentioned it again (4 and 2). They can have juice if we are out and about.

So, I wouldn't do the lock, though I can completely see why that can be a great idea. However, a logical consequence of their behavior is to stop buying the treats which will teach them control. You can reintroduce at times, ready to stop buying them again if their behavior continues.

Either way, there was some great advise out there!


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I don't know if I would really recommend this but one strategy my mother used was to divide the snacks by person and give each person a spot for them and then it was up to me if I wanted to eat them all at the start of the week or dole them out. Of course that required some trust of everyone else but it did work in our family at the time.


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## earthmama4 (Oct 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jenners26* 
Yes, exactly. I agree.

Maybe you could talk to them about your concerns (not having enough food for their lunches) and ask them for alternatives they'd like to have in their lunches if they end up eating all of the food you had planned on using. If time is an issue, pack their lunches the night before. *I can't imagine not letting my kids eat what they wanted in their own house.*

A nice concept in theory, but in my experience there is a great need for parental guidance on eating for most children. Even if all the food in the house is healthy, whole food, and no prepackaged anything, there is still room for unhealthy choices or overindulgence of a particular food or food group.

My sisters and I grew up in an "open cupboard" household, so I initially did the same for my children only to find that my boys need more guidance in food selection choices than I did as a child. They would completely fill up on nuts, apples, cheese, and never touch their meat, eggs, or veggies. They have a hard time remembering the others in the home who also share that food. I cannot have an open cupboard policy in my home or else my boys would not be able to grow and develop optimally, nor would there be enough to go around. We do not lock our cupboards, but the kids don't just get into whatever they want. The children usually check with me about what is available for snacks, and we eat at set times as a family. Another mother I know had to implement more restrictions on food for her son who became overweight. He would binge on cheese, or eat far more than a normal portion size. He had always just eaten what he wanted after school, before bed, whatever, but for his health, he now needs to check with parents before making food.

It seems some mothers see great virtue in allowing their child unrestricted access to all the food in the home similar to the way that they were allowed unrestricted access to the breast. I see key differences. Breastmilk is optimally balanced nutrition and so we trust a baby's and toddler's appetite for it to reflect their need. Whole foods must be combined in a balanced way to achieve the same optimal nutrition. Children do not always do this instinctively. I see it as something to be taught as a child weans. I also see the value in allowing a child to continue to depend on mother to provide nutritious food. This continues the bond of feeding as mother is still the source of love and food and comfort through creations in the kitchen rather than from her body alone. The book "Hold On to Your Kids" really impressed me with the idea that dependence on parents is essential to effectively being able to influence and teach them. It is how we are designed to learn and grow.

Just my musings - take 'em or leave 'em


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## elisent (May 30, 2006)

Perhaps the difference of opinion has something to do with number of children and their personalities.

With 4 children it is hard to make sure no one sneaks something to a corner or bedroom to eat it. When one child eats all the strawberries for the week on the first day, and no one else gets any, I have 3 very unhappy children.

Then they all learn that they must eat as many snacks as possible right after grocery day or all the snacks will disappear without them getting anything. To me, that would be causing more food issues than locking a cabinet so they have to request snacks.

They can eat anything they want to. I just want to know what they're eating and give everyone else a chance to have some, too. I don't think that's controlling. And if a lock was the only way I could find to do that then I would.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elisent* 
Perhaps the difference of opinion has something to do with number of children and their personalities.

With 4 children it is hard to make sure no one sneaks something to a corner or bedroom to eat it. When one child eats all the strawberries for the week on the first day, and no one else gets any, I have 3 very unhappy children.

Then they all learn that they must eat as many snacks as possible right after grocery day or all the snacks will disappear without them getting anything. To me, that would be causing more food issues than locking a cabinet so they have to request snacks.

They can eat anything they want to. I just want to know what they're eating and give everyone else a chance to have some, too. I don't think that's controlling. And if a lock was the only way I could find to do that then I would.

You know, I experience that with my husband (better eat a cupcake NOW or they are all gone by Tuesday) and it makes me feel like I have to gorge right then or miss out. So with him, I seperate our foods, our salsa, our popcorn, everything, so I don't have that instinct. I now am left still enjoying popcorn or a cupcake on Friday while he ate all of his on Monday.

I can see with certain children, or with many children, a lock would be necessary to avoid this natural behavior which is unhealthy in the long run.

Good point!


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elisent* 
Perhaps the difference of opinion has something to do with number of children and their personalities.

With 4 children it is hard to make sure no one sneaks something to a corner or bedroom to eat it. When one child eats all the strawberries for the week on the first day, and no one else gets any, I have 3 very unhappy children.

Then they all learn that they must eat as many snacks as possible right after grocery day or all the snacks will disappear without them getting anything. To me, that would be causing more food issues than locking a cabinet so they have to request snacks.

They can eat anything they want to. I just want to know what they're eating and give everyone else a chance to have some, too. I don't think that's controlling. And if a lock was the only way I could find to do that then I would.

I grew up in a family of 6 children and my grandfather lived with us. No lock. All the food in the house belonged to everybody (except the booze). If something was being save, that was communicated to everyone and folks left it alone.

And we didn't buy packaged food except as a treat when my parents went out.

I can't imagine not having access to the food in the house and I never want my kids to imagine it either.

If kids are sneaking food, odds are: they are hungry. I'd serve more frequent bounteous snacks. If they are sneaking food for other reasons, I'd find out the reasons.


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## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

It has been my experience that, given the opportunity, people are very well equiped to self-regulate their needs. It's when that is taken away from them, that problems arise. For many people, those problems will follow them into adulthood.

My children all self-regulate their food. They usually ask first, to make certain that I'm not planning to use the item to make something else. However, other than that, they have control over what and how much they eat. They are all healthy and happy and eat well-balanced foods. We buy/make "fun" stuff and they self-regulate that, too.

Power struggles over control can bring some serious emotional problems. Add food into the mix and you have the potential for serious health problems.

I see a lot of concern in this thread about how to control kids and their eating. Controlling my kids is not my goal...helping them gain the tools they need to control themselves is.

It takes two to have apower struggle. I would urge anyone in such a position to evaluate what the real cause of the problem is and to work WITH your children to come up with a solution which works for everyone.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

I do things pretty much the same way Earthmama mentioned. Food has never been locked away, but my kids didn't have free reign over the pantry when they were little. They had to ask for a snack, which they almost always got (maybe not 15 minutes before dinner). Maybe personality does play a huge role in whether or not this works, but it always worked for us.

Now that they're older, they eat what they want, when they want. If there is something special that I bought for a recipe or event, I tell them and they don't eat it.


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## mandica (May 14, 2009)

My mom locked the cookies in a cubboard for years, the lock was a little loose and my sister and I would stack a stool on top of a chair to get into the cubboard, one of us supporting the other, to get the cookies out.

This became an obsession and cookies to this day are my weakness. It also led to me gaining about 25 pounds over one summer after grade 8 when I got my first job at a doughnut/coffee shop, where we were allowed free cookies while working. I would go to the back room whenever possible, making up excuses to do so, and shove cookies in my mouth.

The alcohol was also stored in that locked cubboard. I wonder if it hadnt been locked up if I would have been so tempted to get into it when I was 10 years old. I got the vodka out, smelled it and thought "i better mix this with something to get it down" low and behold there was orange juice in the fridge and I thought I invented the screwdriver.

It is simply so true that you want so much more what you cant have.

A suggestion to the OP might be to have dinner very early. 4 o clock even. This might help everyone to be out of the kitchen earlier in the night and less tempted by whats in the cubboards.


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

I think your candor about the grocery finances and your frustration about the special snacks might be backfiring here. If it seems like something is going to be in short supply, I'm often tempted to consume it while I have the chance, even if I know that's not good for me. I remember this was even harder for me when I was little.

If the special snack items are leading to these difficulties, don't get them. You can spoon plain yogurt with some jam or fruit into a container for the lunchbox. They can have a few graham crackers and a handful of peanuts instead of a granola bar.

Or, you can label each special yogurt or store-bought granola bar with the name of the child who gets to eat it and let them choose when that will be.

It sounds like you are packing simply enormous lunches for your kids. Do they eat all that? My girl gets a half-sandwich, fruit or cut veggies, a cheese stick, and maybe a few corn chips and a cookie. She doesn't always finish it - she's a very persnickety eater. Obviously all kids are different. "Plenty of lunch" for my dd is probably "nowhere near enough" for yours. But it does sound like you are stressing yourself out over the lunch thing and sending a TON of food. If they really need it, then you have to do what you have to do. But think about what they're eating and then cut yourself as much slack as you can. No one starves to death during a single school day. You can always adjust the next day if they complain about being hungry.


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## bronxmom (Jan 22, 2008)

My partner is obese and we were talking about how to get in shape, attitudes about food, establishing healthier eating habits, etc. He has a tendency to go too long without eating and then absolutely overeat when he does get a meal. He always orders way more than we need and justifies it saying "it won't go to waste - we'll just use it for leftovers". We were talking about why he does this and he had a really important insight:

he has a deep seated insecurity about whether he'll have enough food and when he'll get food next so he loads up when he gets the chance

This has got to be partially from the rationing of food as a kid. He was always a little overweight/chubby as a kid and started dieting as a young guy. I'm sure his parents tried to help him ration food. I can only guess if his weight would have evened out over time or he would have just been slightly overweight genetically, but I think the fear of being bigger actually caused worse food habits that led him to being unnecessarily overweight with a really unhealthy relationship with food.

I now have a baby who was born a little bigger and is probably genetically predisposed to at least not be rail thin like my daughter (and like I was as a kid). I am absolutely determined not to give him food issues. I will try to early on get him used to healthy choices and model that. But food restriction and making him feel bad about what he eats are off-limits. I think it's really destructive.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bronxmom* 
I now have a baby who was born a little bigger and is probably genetically predisposed to at least not be rail thin like my daughter (and like I was as a kid).

I know you're worried about giving your child food issues, but please know that big babies do not necessarily translate into big people.

I'm 5'2" and 120 lbs. I'm kind of muscular, so I look thinner than I actually weigh. I was over 9 lbs. at birth.

My DS1 was 9.5 lbs and 21.5 inches long at birth. He was a big, tall, porky toddler. He is now 5'9" and 125 lbs. at age 17. By the time he was 5yo, he was average in size, and between the ages of 7-9 he was downright skinny.


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## CalaRei (Mar 10, 2008)

I try to understand the "all the food in our house belongs to all the people in our house" idea, but I just don't see how it would work with meal planning. I'm really trying to get a handle on this, and perhaps it's because I have my own food issues, too. I get a little upset when I ration something for myself, only to find it eaten by someone else (of course, in my situ it's hubby) later. Growing up it was my brother or his friends.

A while ago I was baby sitting 5 year old neice. With her, it's not the packaged stuff, it's the expensive fresh fruit and veggies. Strawberries, cherries. Even tomatoes. I had cut up half a tomato for our lunch of tacos, and she begged to eat the other half. Now, don't get me wrong, it's great a 5 year old thinks tomatoes are FANTASTIC to eat, but I needed that for dinner, and wasn't about to go out to the store to replace it. She didn't accept that answer and snatched it off the counter before I could stop her.
(I guess I sound overly sensitive about half a tomato, now that I write that out, but it particularly peeved me.)

I guess I get upset if I'm expecting something to be there, and it's not, and I don't understand how this works with kids - I mean at least hubby knows "Oh, we're having X on Tuesday, better not use the last of the cheese," or whatever.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

I try to understand the "all the food in our house belongs to all the people in our house" idea, but I just don't see how it would work with meal planning.
Food that is meant for planned meals is understood to be saved for that purpose. Food is for everyone, but some of those items are eventually for everyone, while others are instantly for everyone. There is an understanding of the difference in our house. I would certainly be irritated if someone ate ingredients that made dinner impossible to prepare--and that almost never happens, since we all plan the meals together. Sometimes I put a sticker on those items, or put them in a separate fridge bin, if I think it won't be obvious what is meant for later.

In the tomato example I would have cut off a sliver for her to eat, explaining the rest had already been allocated for dinner, and offered to buy an extra tomato for her the next time I did the shopping.

Part of self regulation is cooperation, kwim? Individuals are part of a group. Children are part of a family. You aren't making good food choices (as a child) if your activities ruin the meal plan for the week. I think it is fine to make those distinctions.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CalaRei* 
I try to understand the "all the food in our house belongs to all the people in our house" idea, but I just don't see how it would work with meal planning. I'm really trying to get a handle on this, and perhaps it's because I have my own food issues, too. I get a little upset when I ration something for myself, only to find it eaten by someone else (of course, in my situ it's hubby) later. Growing up it was my brother or his friends.

A while ago I was baby sitting 5 year old neice. With her, it's not the packaged stuff, it's the expensive fresh fruit and veggies. Strawberries, cherries. Even tomatoes. I had cut up half a tomato for our lunch of tacos, and she begged to eat the other half. Now, don't get me wrong, it's great a 5 year old thinks tomatoes are FANTASTIC to eat, but I needed that for dinner, and wasn't about to go out to the store to replace it. She didn't accept that answer and snatched it off the counter before I could stop her.
(I guess I sound overly sensitive about half a tomato, now that I write that out, but it particularly peeved me.)

I guess I get upset if I'm expecting something to be there, and it's not, and I don't understand how this works with kids - I mean at least hubby knows "Oh, we're having X on Tuesday, better not use the last of the cheese," or whatever.

I'm going to just share my experience - I am totally not judging you.

I grew up in a home where things were rationed (see above with the fancy snacks) and although it worked in some cases, like with the fancy snacks, in other cases it didn't. Your tomato example is exactly how I grew up, and it made me seriously crazy about food. I have struggled a lot since then. Once I got out on my own I went nuts eating too much, and also stockpiling things, and also having a strange scarcity mentality.

At the same time it turned me into the kind of meal planner who does really really want the stuff I plan to be there when I go to make the meal.

So here's how we handle it in our family:

1) I have tried really hard and largely succeeded in being a bit more zen about these things, helped by a supportive partner. Although my mother made big efforts for family meals and to serve nutritious food, what I was left with was a legacy of feeling shut out, controlled, and even "bad" for wanting food she needed. This is not the legacy I want to leave. I want always to remember that everyone in my family is not "people who upset my plans" but "people with their own needs."

2) I post the meal plans on the fridge and anything CRUCIAL (like eggplant for eggplant parmesan) I stick a little dot on it which means "don't eat me." Both my husband and my son respect this. It is not all me getting zen; there's a middle ground there.

3) Anything non-crucial, like (frankly) half a tomato, if someone eats it, I adapt the recipe. Or move to spaghetti. Far better to encourage my son to eat vegetables and fruit and honour his body's signals than to serve the perfect meal at dinner.

4) Although I've tried to back off from over-stockpiling (when it takes 12 cans of spaghetti sauce to feel safe, something is off), having a couple of pantry meals always ready to go means never having to really flip out. We also overbuy slightly on things that both keep and are common snacks as well as meal components: cheese comes especially to mind. Plus it's cheaper to buy it on sale.

5) I don't ration myself, unless it's for health reasons. It _is_ totally annoying to be trying to stretch the biscotti out over a week only to find DH has eaten 3 at a sitting, but it's not my husband's fault that in my head one batch of biscotti is supposed to last 7 days. This is part of the scarcity mentality that I mentioned - that because HE finished the biscotti they are GONE GONE GONE and I, woe is me, must do without. The fact is that there will be another batch of biscotti in my future. If it is a particularly expensive, premium treat, okay. But otherwise - telling him he can't have one today is absolutely equivalent to telling me I can't have one tomorrow, if that makes sense?

6) Chaos occasionally happens when multiple people are involved. I don't aim for perfection.

Again I am totally not attacking you, just explaining how I handle it.


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## CalaRei (Mar 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
Food that is meant for planned meals is understood to be saved for that purpose. Food is for everyone, but some of those items are eventually for everyone, while others are instantly for everyone. There is an understanding of the difference in our house. I would certainly be irritated if someone ate ingredients that made dinner impossible to prepare--and that almost never happens, since we all plan the meals together. Sometimes I put a sticker on those items, or put them in a separate fridge bin, if I think it won't be obvious what is meant for later.

In the tomato example I would have cut off a sliver for her to eat, explaining the rest had already been allocated for dinner, and offered to buy an extra tomato for her the next time I did the shopping.

Part of self regulation is cooperation, kwim? Individuals are part of a group. Children are part of a family. You aren't making good food choices (as a child) if your activities ruin the meal plan for the week. I think it is fine to make those distinctions.

This is the perfect reply. Thank you.









Edited to add: GuildJenn, Thank YOU as well. Like I said, I knew my perspective was out of whack, but I just couldn't think of ways to reposition my thinking and solve the exercise, so to speak.

I love you both, and really really appreciate the replies. I don't feel attacked at all, honest.

(Part of this, I think is me sometimes struggling with assuming people know what's in my head. Yikes!)


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## Vaske (Jan 29, 2009)

Increasing the protein in the afternoon snack will help them make it to dinner without binges.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
I do things pretty much the same way Earthmama mentioned. Food has never been locked away, but my kids didn't have free reign over the pantry when they were little. They had to ask for a snack, which they almost always got (maybe not 15 minutes before dinner). Maybe personality does play a huge role in whether or not this works, but it always worked for us.
.

I was going to say something along these lines. My kids always ask before eating or drinking anything besides a glass of water. They are 10, 9, & 5. I'm not the "food czar" but it's just always been like that. "Can I have an apple, mom?" "Sure" is usually the answer. "Can I have a cookie?" "Not now, it's too close to dinner." It works okay for us. We have pre-packaged bars and the like among the other food but I've never found the food snuck. (The baby did when she was younger, like 3, so I did use a child lock during that time)

I don't want to make an issue out of food but isn't this a matter of them not being "allowed" to have a certain type of snack before dinner? Shouldn't they be obeying you on this? If they are truly hungry, which is a great possibility, then give them something to eat.


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## Nillarilla (Nov 20, 2007)

Wow this is pretty perfect timing. I have been having food issues with my son for a while now. I've had a couple people suggest a lock and now I don't think I will use one.
I think dh and I have different food issues and I think these are being passed on to our son and soon probably our daughter.
I was having an issue with ds wanting to eat 4 yogurts a day and then there were none for his lunch at preschool. So this week I bought 2 tubs of yogurt and portioned it out each morning for his school. Since he's not able to help himself it solved the battle. I think that is what I am going to do from now on is just remove and not buy what is causing the battle.

How do you deal with them always asking for something and then not wanting what you say they can have ie. you can have a plum or an apple.
Ds "I want something else!"
me "nope those are your choices"
Ds tantrums and tears and repetitively asking "I want something else!"
This drives me insane! I know it's his age/stage but some days it escalates to a new level. I know part of the problem is dh does keep offering other suggestions until ds finds something he likes. I need to talk to him about this and get on the same page.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Gosh, eating it all is one thing (and I agree that I would stop buying the coveted items) but destroying food without eating it seems like a totally different issue. That would concern me. It seems almost like an angry act. Like, "You tell me I can't have this. I don't even want it, but I need to assert that I CAN have it." No?

My DD's favorite "treat" snacks are in a completely accessible drawer where she surely could get them, but she does not do this. Don't get me wrong--she is not an angelchild and frequently we have power struggles. However, food has never been one of our issues. I wonder if this could be a way of acting out other issues around food? Is this possible?


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nillarilla* 
How do you deal with them always asking for something and then not wanting what you say they can have ie. you can have a plum or an apple.
Ds "I want something else!"
me "nope those are your choices"
Ds tantrums and tears and repetitively asking "I want something else!"
This drives me insane! I know it's his age/stage but some days it escalates to a new level. I know part of the problem is dh does keep offering other suggestions until ds finds something he likes. I need to talk to him about this and get on the same page.

Just offering 2 choices for a snack would never work for my DD. What she wants is hard to predict. It's just easier for her to bring me the bottle of salsa, or grab a container of beans or hummus out of the refrigerator or some fruit. She does ask for foods she needs help getting, but she's decides what and when to eat. If she eats all of something, I don't care. The soup I made last weekend was fine without carrots in it. I think your DH is on the right track. My DH and I are both overweight and we don't want DD to have the same problem so we let her completely self regulate. It works. When you look at what she eats over a week it's a balanced diet. Also there are so many things that we will have conflict or tantrums over so why make food an issue when it doesn't have to be at all.


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## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

I have a food swiper too! Here's what I did: After school they get to load up on "junky" cereal. It's not the colored stuff, it's the organic chocolate/sweetened kind. Stuff I wouldn't serve as a breakfast. But I noticed I too like a sweet snack in the afternoon. We all have as much as we want and I have an easier time preparing dinner (everyone is still on their simple carb high). It doesn't seem to interfere with dinner either.

Just a thought.


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