# What to do when your dc doesn't like dinner?



## lilgreen (Dec 5, 2003)

Ds(6) often won't eat much of his dinner because he 'doesn't like it'. I do my best to make foods I know he'll like, but he won't always willingly eat his veggies or finish what he's been given. Even though 5 mins before he said he was starving, he'll say he's full (we strongly suspect he actually doesn't like it).

H always tells him he has to eat "8 more bites of ____" and "3 more bites of ____, then you're done."

It makes ds eat, but I'm not sure how I feel about forcing him to eat. maybe he really is full.

Last night h made a risotto that I knew before ds would not like. But I didn't say anything since I figured he could eat the rest of the sandwich he didn't finish in his lunch instead. Ds said he didn't like it and did the whole gag bit. H told he had to eat it or go to bed. Ds went upstairs crying. h was determined that ds would go to bed hungry if he wouldn't eat this risotto.

What do you do when your child just does not like dinner? What's the gd way to go about what happened at our house last night?

Thanks!


----------



## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

If DD1 doesn't like what we're having, I'll routinely offer her a bowl of plain yogurt and some fruit. This doesn't take me any effort to prepare, so it's acceptable to me, and I know she likes it, and it's healthy enough to satisfy the mama in me. If she doesn't want that, she's told she's free to stay at the table and not eat, or get down.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I never force my kids to eat something. Nor do I use bedtime as a punishment for "not eating" something.

I do, however, insist on respectful behavior at the dinner table. If one of my kids starts "gagging" at the table, I'd give them the choice to make gagging noises in another room or to sit at the table nicely. Basically, they have 3 choices: They can eat what I've prepared, they can leave the table, or they can politely ask to eat something else (but nothing that requires more cooking! I'm thinking leftovers or something simple like a bowl of cereal.)

There are times when I've made something that one child doesn't like and I'm hoping to get another child to eat it. In those situations, I won't allow the "not liking it" child to have an alternative food until after the meal has been served and cleaned up.

I often make my kids eat one bite of something new, just to taste it, but I won't insist on 3 bites or 8 bites- just one for taste, and then if the food isn't liked I won't insist on more being eaten. There are also times when I know the child likes various foods, but prefers the rice, when I'll give reasonable portions of all foods, but won't allow 2nds of the rice until the veggies and chicken are finished. I won't force DC to eat- if you're full you can stop, but if you want more rice you need to eat some broccoli and chicken first, then you can have all the rice you want (but this is only when I already know he likes the other foods and I won't insist on him finishing a food he really doesn't like.) But I don't do this all the time- usually only on Friday nights when we're all sitting together for the Shabbos meal.

In general, I let my kids eat when they're hungry and stop when they're full. I offer healthy snacks between meals. I offer a healthy bedtime snack as part of the bedtime routine, to minimize "I'm hungry" when it's time for lights-out.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

There are always a number of things on the table that each person likes. Often really simple things: olives, pickles, cheese cubes, veggies of various stripes, refried beans...

Dinner is really a fun part of the day.


----------



## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

I wouldn't object to making something else (easy, no cooking) but not til I'm done my supper. He can sit at the table nicely or go play or something til I'm done eating, then we can figure out what he wants.


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Here is the rule at our house: You eat what is put on the table, as much or as little as you want. I do not cook anything special; this is not a restaurant. If you don't like it, then get down from the table and go without. That has been the rule from day one. It was the rule when I was little. I do make exceptions when they are sick (duh!) but I don't cook two different meals. I cook things I know EVERYONE will like and 99 percent of the time it works. My oldest is 22 months and she has never starved. There have been nights when she ate just a bite or nothing at all, but she knows she won't get anything else. Your kids will eat if they are hungry enough. Hope I don't like a bi*ch about it, but that is one of my pet peeves at our house. Good luck mama!


----------



## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilgreen* 
Ds(6) often won't eat much of his dinner because he 'doesn't like it'. I do my best to make foods I know he'll like, but he won't always willingly eat his veggies or finish what he's been given. Even though 5 mins before he said he was starving, he'll say he's full (we strongly suspect he actually doesn't like it).

This will sound either stupid or confrontational, but I mean it out of just curiosity--what is it that leads you to think that he isn't full when he says he is?

fwiw, one of my kids started saying she was full very soon after starting to eat, even though she'd been starving only minutes earlier. It turned out that she had reflux, and eating was causing pain (of course, she also did complain of pain a lot,but not all, of the time).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilgreen* 
Ds said he didn't like it and did the whole gag bit.

What do you mean here? Does he actually gag? Or are you saying he pretends to gag or makes a big show of gagging?


----------



## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

my ds is about 3-1/2 and we are kind of running into a problem where he won't eat at dinner time and then right when we're in bed say he's really hungry.

i never make him eat more than one bite of something. he's awesome about trying something and then saying, "this is delicious!" or, "i don't like this." so i don't feel too badly, i just want him to try it.

i usually use the line, "it's your choice if you want to eat this or not." when he gets really irritating about how dinner is gross.

i will also prepare things like yogurt or peanut butter and jelly if he's not into the dinner but not at dinner time. it's either eat dinner or wait until we are ready to get you some cereal or yogurt or cheese.

i read something about how children who have their food regulated for them (eating only at meal times, finishing their plate when not hungry, or food used as a punishment) are much less capable of regulating for themselves and tend to end up being obese more than children that are allowed to regulate themselves.

i've noticed that my son will go for a few days without eating much and then chow down. his weight is just right and i think that it's because he knows what he needs.

maybe your son just needs more freedom to create food for himself? or give him some healthy choices to choose from? or involve him in making a dinner that he likes?

it's hard to offer advice because my son is younger. good luck!


----------



## lilgreen (Dec 5, 2003)

sorry... problems loading my response....

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sledg* 
This will sound either stupid or confrontational, but I mean it out of just curiosity--what is it that leads you to think that he isn't full when he says he is?

He'll say he's full after literally a couple bites right after saying he's starving. Also, when h isn't there ds will tell me straight up that he doesn't like the food (rather than claim he's full, I suspect) likely because he doesn't have to fear a confrontation.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sledg* 
What do you mean here? Does he actually gag? Or are you saying he pretends to gag or makes a big show of gagging?

Either or. He gags. I dont' think it's a conscious thing... but I think he consciously knows that he isn't going to like the food he's about to put into his mouth, so naturally his reaction is to gag once he puts it in his mouth. H sees it as a show.

I'm so glad to hear how easy going you all are about this. I wish dinner didn't have to be such a stress in our house. It's hard when h and i don't see things in the same way. Your stories, however, give me the confidence to be ok with what my gut tells me. Thank you!


----------



## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

My kids often eat only a few bites of dinner, even if it's something they like. Then sometimes, they eat more than dh or I do.

Also, lots of times if my dd doesn't like what we're having, she'll have a few bites and then be done. I'll offer her something else, but she doesn't want it. And she's of a perfectly healthy weight.


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I try to make things she likes, or at least make a version of what I'm making that she'll like. If I'm making something I know she doesn't like (which is rare) I'll make something special for her. But if it's something she likes and she just doesn't feel like it, we have food on hand at all times she can get to herself if she's hungry - things like nuts, fruit, bread and peanut butter, cheese.


----------



## mummy marja (Jan 19, 2005)

My kids are sensitive eaters too. I was one as a kid, and I am not as much of one now, although there are foods that honestly make me gag. Like beans. Now that I'm grown-up, I do the socially acceptable thing and eat, or try very hard to eat what has been served to me, even if I'm gagging down every bite. But this is a LOT to ask of a young kid, and I won't feel bad if my kids never learn this. I'm not sure that it's a good thing at all.

There are plenty of dinner meals that DH and I both love, but the kids don't love them yet. My habit is to serve them a small portion of our dinner, as well as something else I know they like--yogourt, home made bread with jam, fruit, applesauce. Something that takes less than a minute to prepare. Often they don't eat any of our dinner, and they are free to leave that. Dh or I will eat it usually. And sometimes they surprise me by eating our dinner and liking it!


----------



## Way Up North (Sep 15, 2007)

On one hand, we try to prepare food that everyone will enjoy (at least part of the meal) ~ which is tricky with dd's food allergies!
We never force her to eat and since we both have food issues and weight problems we are very careful with our choices around food/ eating messages.
So usually if it is a new food, I ask her to taste it ~ she knows she doesn't have to eat it, just try it ~ which seems to work, she trusts we won't force the issue, so she tries it and sometimes will continue to eat it.
Otherwise, she can have fruit, bread or other simple, healthy things that require no prep time.

L


----------



## lilgreen (Dec 5, 2003)

I'm so blown away at how relaxed you all are. Because of how strict h is about this, I always feel guilty for doing it how you guys do it (which is how I do it when h isn't around). I do worry about forcing ds to eat in terms of the longterm effects about self-regulation. H has lots of weight issues on his side of the family and I'm fearful that this will be passed onto ds, who isn't scrawny (he's always been big, but certainly not overweight, but not skinny).

There are just so many issues like this that make me so sad that I just can't parent how I want to. I feel so often like h is screwing up our kids. How do you come to terms with that feeling? Sorry, that's another thread... just rambling now.

Thank you all so much for you inspiring stories


----------



## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

At 6 years old, I moved into the idea of having "one" family meal. If they didn't care for that meal, they were physically capable of getting themselves a bowl of cereal or a peanut butter sandwich. I got a couple of whines, but most of the time it was easier for them to eat what was in front of them than make their own dinner. I am not a short order cook or their personal slave. I deserve to eat the meal I cooked and not be jumping up and down waiting on kids.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

lilgreen, do you have a sense of where your husband is coming from in his choices about how to treat food? Is it possible for you to explain to him that you are not comfortable with this way of going about it and would like to change it?

Are there sources or authorities (besides you, of course) that he would respect?


----------



## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

I kept healthy snack on a shelf where DCs could reach them whenever they wanted something. This was fruit, crackers (cheese chunks in fridge too) nuts, etc. This was all fair game. If I observed someone going for food right before dinner, I would remind them that dinner was on the way, but if they still wanted to snack, they could. By 6 if they weren't interested in what I made, they were welcome to make a sandwich or whatever. No reaction, just a matter of fact response. Both mine seem to have developed pretty healthy habits.
It's too bad your DH is being a pill. I'm sure you have observed how "helpful" this is.....NOT. I think your best bet may be to model as best you can. Beware of trying to convince him of what "works" as this is usually a misnomer. The truth is, GD does "work" it just doesn't "work" the way many people think of it, i.e. you do A, and kiddo magically does B. I think the definition of what "works" ought to be, what serves the situation and the individuals involved, best.


----------



## accountclosed6 (Jun 29, 2005)

Disclaimer- obviously I am not a parent with a child eating table food yet, so my reply is based on my experience as an early childhood educator/professional, and a teacher of childhood nutrition.

I feel that it's the adult's role to provide the food choices for any given meal. It's the child's job to choose what and how much s/he eats from those choices. As long as the adult's choices are healthy options, it shouldn't be a big deal if a child only wants to eat one thing or skips something else. Now if soda, oreos, carrots, and chicken were the choices the adult provided for dinner, and the child chose to only eat the soda and oreos, you can see how the responsibility is really on the adult to provide healthy options. This doesn't mean having to run a restaurant at every meal, but rather, as long as there is at least one choice in the meal that the child likes, they won't starve.

Food can become a huge power issue for young children. Forcing children to belong to the clean plate club, or bargaining for bites (3 more bites before you can get down, eat dessert, etc.) just exacerbates it. We also tend to have a hard time as adults understanding children's portion sizes- we are so used to huge portions at restaurants, etc. that most adults serve children far too much food as a serving...children can get full very easily/quickly!

I want the children I work with and my own children to learn to listen to their own bodies to let them know what they need. I don't want them to see food as a reward or punishment- it's a fuel to help our bodies work and grow. No child ever starved to death from choosing to not eat dinner one night- when they get hungry, they'll eat. I think consistency is key- it's hard to do this if the rules change night to night.

I also don't see dessert as a reward for eating a meal...everything in moderation, including treats! Some nights I don't feel like eating a huge helping of dinner, but I still want a little treat after- why should the kids have different expectations?


----------



## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilgreen* 
There are just so many issues like this that make me so sad that I just can't parent how I want to. I feel so often like h is screwing up our kids. How do you come to terms with that feeling? Sorry, that's another thread... just rambling now.

Thank you all so much for you inspiring stories









I'm sorry you feel like that. What does dh say when you talk to him about it?

I went through a very long and painful stage where I felt my dh was going to screw up my kids permanently. It was from when dd was about 2-3, and I'd been doing a lot of reading on here and in parenting books. I got obsessed with every little interaction between dh and the kids, and scrutinized every thing he did or said. I tried to be so diplomatic about it, but irregardless, it drove him nutty. I think the real issue was that I was depressed and feeling insecure about my own worth/place in our family and marriage (adjusting to not being a wage-earner), and I was projecting this all onto their relationships. Anyway, long story short, I am now of the mindset that how dh phrases something is going to have very little effect on the kids' happiness and mental health and even their relationships. If something big comes up, I'll bring it up to dh, but I also am trying to be much, much more open to his suggestions, even if I think his rules are pointless and wouldn't choose to enforce them.

Anyway, not saying you're having this issue, but I do think that spending too much time on the GD board can sometimes distort the relevance/importance/weight of discipline issues.


----------



## Mamato2and2 (Apr 7, 2006)

My 8 year old is my problem eater right now. She will say she is starving...then when dinner is on the table she will say she is full! Very frustrating. I used to get stressed out about it but now I don't have the time/energy to. She knows now that she CANNOT have toast or whatever after dinner anymore. If she doesn't eat then she can't have anything until breakfast. We keep a fruit bowl on the table so she will usually grab a piece of fruit and have that while the rest of us are eating our dinner. I don't feel bad if she is hungry. It was her decision not to eat and I will not force her to eat. Breakfasts are her favorite meal so usually if she didn't eat a very big dinner I will make sure she has a fairly large breakfast that she likes.

I have noticed like a pp said that she will go for days eating very little and then in one day she will wolf down more than I could ever eat! She is a healthy weight and an active child so I am not concerned about her missing dinner often. It all balances out in the end.


----------



## lilgreen (Dec 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
I'm sorry you feel like that. What does dh say when you talk to him about it?

I went through a very long and painful stage where I felt my dh was going to screw up my kids permanently. It was from when dd was about 2-3, and I'd been doing a lot of reading on here and in parenting books. I got obsessed with every little interaction between dh and the kids, and scrutinized every thing he did or said. I tried to be so diplomatic about it, but irregardless, it drove him nutty. I think the real issue was that I was depressed and feeling insecure about my own worth/place in our family and marriage (adjusting to not being a wage-earner), and I was projecting this all onto their relationships. Anyway, long story short, I am now of the mindset that how dh phrases something is going to have very little effect on the kids' happiness and mental health and even their relationships. If something big comes up, I'll bring it up to dh, but I also am trying to be much, much more open to his suggestions, even if I think his rules are pointless and wouldn't choose to enforce them.

Anyway, not saying you're having this issue, but I do think that spending too much time on the GD board can sometimes distort the relevance/importance/weight of discipline issues.


Thanks for this... I think this is really good for me to hear, too.


----------



## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
lilgreen, do you have a sense of where your husband is coming from in his choices about how to treat food? Is it possible for you to explain to him that you are not comfortable with this way of going about it and would like to change it?

Are there sources or authorities (besides you, of course) that he would respect?

It does sound like your son needs to eat what he likes, and to not be pressured, threatened or forced to eat what he does not like. I imagine your husband has real concerns that drive his approach to discipline around the issue of food, and I would think that the place to start is by talking with him and actively listening to those concerns. Is he worried your son isn't eating enough? And also worried that by allowing your son to eat something different you'd be setting up undesirable eating habits down the road? Are there ways you can allay any fears he may have, or address his concerns with information? Can you approach this not as an "I'm right and you're wrong" thing, and more as a "we're learning together, here's what I read and what I think, what do you think? What do you say we try this and see what happens?" kind of thing?

Is there a way you can approach the food issue that addresses your concerns, and your husband's, and your son's? Some creative solution?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilgreen* 
I feel so often like h is screwing up our kids. How do you come to terms with that feeling?

I've felt this way in the past. For me, it helps to remember that there isn't one single, correct way of parenting. And more importantly, it helps to remember that my partner is human, and he's doing what he does out of genuine concern for his children and he's doing the best he can at the moment. Just like me. We're both bound to make mistakes, and kids are resilient. There hasn't been a kid born yet who had perfect parents.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah*
Anyway, not saying you're having this issue, but I do think that spending too much time on the GD board can sometimes distort the relevance/importance/weight of discipline issues.


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

For us, I don't cook 2 separate meals -- I try to choose meals that are family-friendly, but occasionally there'll be a main course that I'm pretty certain DS will only eat 1 or 2 bites of, and on those nights I'll give him an extra side dish (something like apple sauce or cheese cubes) to make up the caloric difference.

If he at least tries everything on his plate and truly doesn't like anything (which is very rare), he's welcome to have a bowl of cereal instead -- I chose cereal for his alternate-dinner option because it's something he likes enough that he'll eat a good amount of it if he's truly hungry, but it's not something that he loves enough to choose it over dinner every night.


----------



## marzanmama (Oct 10, 2007)

I think for us what works is plain old compromise. I accept (albeit reluctantly!) that my almost 4yo is one of those kids who likes his food plain.

And he accepts that on occasion, in exchange for not having to eat mommy's yummy casserole he has to have a few bites of plain steamed broccoli and plain rice noodles (or whatever) instead.


----------



## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I ask my 6 year old to eat some of everything. Most of the time she finds she likes it even if it looked like she wouldn't. I do tell her that while it's okay if she doesn't care for something, it's not okay to be all "OMG EWWWW YUCK GROSS" because it hurts my feelings. If she doesn't want to eat after eating a few bites, then she's welcome to have some carrots or an apple, but I don't make multiple meals.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Possible solution: Is your child interested in learning to cook. My 7 year old started a homeschool cooking club. She and her 3 year old sister made tortillas for dinner tonight and are grating cheese near me right now to put on top of them. .....

Maybe your husband and child could cook together? Might be a way for them to come together on food?


----------



## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

I like chfriend's idea of having your child cook, or help cook.

Also, what about involving your child in meal planning? That can help ensure that there's always something he likes.

And I think Maya has posted before about Ellyn Satter's (spelling?) books about helping kids eat. IIRC, she had some great ideas about fixing meals that included at least one nutritious thing each person likes. Also, one of her books (I read one, but can't remember which) talked about the importance of not forcing food. Might be a good resource for you. I think one is called something like "How to Get Your Child to Eat, But Not Too Much." And maybe one is called "Child of Mine"?


----------



## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I try to make some things that everyone will like. We do carrot and celery sticks every night so I know the kids will eat something.
Being rude is another matter. They can be polite and say no thank you. If they're rude, the older two get to do dishes that night. The youngest eats anything so that hasn't been a problem with him.


----------



## simplehome (Jul 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
Here is the rule at our house: You eat what is put on the table, as much or as little as you want. I do not cook anything special; this is not a restaurant. If you don't like it, then get down from the table and go without. That has been the rule from day one. It was the rule when I was little. I do make exceptions when they are sick (duh!) but I don't cook two different meals. I cook things I know EVERYONE will like and 99 percent of the time it works. My oldest is 22 months and she has never starved. There have been nights when she ate just a bite or nothing at all, but she knows she won't get anything else. Your kids will eat if they are hungry enough. Hope I don't like a bi*ch about it, but that is one of my pet peeves at our house. Good luck mama!

Yes, but what can be done when a child makes the choice not to eat dinner, but then is so hungry that they won't sleep? Dinner is right before bedtime at our house, so a bedtime snack isn't really reasonable. All allowing someone to not eat anything at the dinnertable does for us is ensure a crappy night of sleep for all.

I don't think the "8 more bites" thing is very healthy in the long run, but we also do what some previous posters have said---have at least one thing that kiddo loves, but he gets one serving of everything, then can have seconds when a reasonable effort has been made at the meal. The other night this meant olive bread---he could have a second piece of bread once he worked on his chicken, green beans and quinoa for a while. He truly didn't like the quinoa so we let it drop, but were pleasantly surprised when he actually took seconds of the green beans on his own, before he even got more bread.


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

It always bums me out to hear the "they won't starve" talk here. No, they probably won't, but "not starving" my kids isn't much of a goal. I want to *nourish* them--physically, mentally, emotionally. Nice meals together are a wonderful way to do that. Punishing kids with food seems like a really bad idea to foster an attached relationship.

My parents used to take away my chair and make me stand to endlessly chew on meat that made me want to wretch. What a surprise that I have food issues. And so do many Americans--it's not because we've been a culture raised on freedom and choice surrounding food.

I read someone here compare it to morning sickness, and that made a light bulb go off for me. Trying to eat something that is making you feel sick is bad enough. Knowing that you're going to be in trouble for not choking it down is worse. Going to bed hungry when you know your parents could have prevented that is a shitty, shitty feeling.

La Leche League has a book by a Dr. Garcia that talks about how kids are generally going to eat as much as they need to. And that giving them grief or pressuring them or punishing them is not going to result in them eating any more food. It's just going to mess things up. So you ought to just trust them to eat what they need and not mess things up.








:

Oh, and regarding husbands/partners....I'm finding that my kids have their own relationship with my husband. They tend to treat him just as he treats them.


----------



## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

I cook one meal (well, sometimes two because my H is more pickier than the kids and I will cook him something different if he doesn't like what I have made for me and the kids). I involve the kids in meal planning and they usually eat whatever gets cooked. Sometimes they take two bites, sometimes they eat a lot. I have been guilty of asking them to take a few more bites (like when we are going out and I know it will be awhile until they eat again) but I try not to do that.

If they don't like what we are having for dinner, they are free to get some snacks out of the fridge or make themselves something else like a sandwich or a bowl of cereal.

I never make them taste something that they have never had before. I've always asked them "Would you like to taste this?" If they say no, I respect their choice.

And my kids usually get a snack before bed which consists of yogurt, cheese, crackers, or a fruit. So if they didn't eat much for dinner, at least they don't go to bed hungry.


----------



## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

I think the first thing to do is to start from a very young age (at weaning) with a healthy diet. I am just adding this - though I am sure most MDC mums provide great well balanced nutritional meals in their homes! lol But I am also adding this because if my son doesnt want what I give him...but would just as happily eat a biscuit or crisps instead...then thats a no go. I am fine with my son having foods like these as long as we eat healthy first. This hasnt been an issue until recently (new found independence etc) so I will simply tell him that 'we eat our healthy foods first'. He is fine with that. Though I have been very lucky to have a son who doesnt have eating issues. We just do love our food in this house though! lol

The second thing is...I will never say 'Eat this _or_...'...we dont punish in our house and that sounds like a punishment. I also dont want to create eating issues. How many of us eat when we are depressed or dont feel like eating when we are sad? I dont think thats normal - and looking back through my childhood (being sent to bed without any food, etc) I can see why I feel the way I do towards food in regard to how I am feeling. I do not want that for my son. I dont want to cause him to overeat 'eat 5 more and then you can...' or under eat 'go to bed without anything to eat then!', etc) Food is enjoyable yes...but its basic purpose is to fuel our bodies!

I think it helps that our son doesnt normally eat with us. This is because he goes to bed much earlier than us, DH gets home late and we ourselves dont feel like eating when our son has his evening meal. So - I can make what he likes. Hes only two so I cant ask him, but I know what he has eaten before...which is how I know he likes it! lol

If he doesnt finish it all. Thats fine. If he doesnt want it at all. Thats fine too. Thats usualy where it ends.

I dont let him starve though. But its also not realistic for me to go back in the kitchen to keep making him foods until he is satisfied with what he is given. It sounds cruel - but I guess its how you view this sentence but in our house its 'you eat what you are given, or nothing at all'. But that doesnt mean you then starve or are punished for not eating or that eating is set to a limit. As soon as we get down from the table I put out some fresh fruit. If he has not eaten what he was given there is usually a reason behind that.

So thirdly, I think its reasonable to be reasonable...lol

1). My son snacks all day long - he doesnt usually do one big meal. So I do provide healthy snacks for him all day long. He may not have wanted to eat the meal I made him but if I add up his snacks, thats plenty enough usually! lol...I have friends who limit what their children eat. I dont. Its my sons body. So if he doesnt want what he is given - he is telling me he is not hungry. (if he doesnt wnat what he is given but wants the crisps instead - then hes telling me he is being fussy and I will remind him we eat healthy first and as I said this usually is enough for him...he eats what he is given or some of it...and then he can have the crisps by all means! lol) I will save it for him for later - put it on a table he can help himself to later. He usually does about and hour later. If he doesnt I assume perhaps he is unwell...and this for us is a sure sign!

2). Growth spurts, etc... Some days as pp have said above...my son will go without eating much at all - and then eat the whole house a week later like I dont feed him! lol

If your son doenst want to eat, I would leave it at that. Its his body. If this is a normal thing...look at what else he is eating. Perhaps he has plenty to eat during the day? Come evening my sons meal is very very small compared to the rest and all the snacks he has had inbetween - so I wouldnt expect him to be really hungry then anyhow. And if you are worried about his diet, just provide lots of healthy snacks!


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Sorry Monkey' Mom you don't agree with me on this. My kid has NEVER been so hungry she won't sleep. She eats 99 percent of the time. The one percent of the time she doesn't eat is because she is not feeling well (I don't know about you, but I don't always eat when I am not feeling well) or she is just upset she has to stop playing to eat. We are teaching her it is time to stop and eat dinner. She has never been a picky eater from day one so I have not really had to worry about most of those issues. Our dinner time is not right before bed, and yes I do give her some milk and/or a snack before bedtime if she wants it. I am not going to punish my kid for not eating either. I simply tell her she can get down from the table and go. Nor am I going to bend to her every whim just because she wants PPJ and not what we are having. Our meals are meals I KNOW she likes. I was made to finish my meals too as a child and I remember it well, trust me. Not pleasant, not to mention my mother sucked as a cook. Just my way of thinking I guess....


----------



## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I don't force food. I don't make him eat what he doesn't like. I feed him when he's hungry and not when he's not. Simple.


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

I just don't get how taking, what? 2 minutes? less? to throw together a sandwich or put on some water for pasta is "bending to every whim."

To me, modelling flexibility and generosity are more important. Meeting my child's hunger cues are more important than teaching lessons about what I will or will not do.

And 99% of the time my kids are eating what's served, as well. (FWIW, I mostly do have to make them separate meals b/c of severe food allergies. Making one meal for all of is a luxury).

So for those rare times when they're just not feeling the dinner I've made them, I can't see not offering up something else. I'm not going to start roasting a duck or pull out the food processor, but some pasta or microwaving some chicken nuggets just doesn't seem like that big a sacrifice so my kids can feel nourished. It's an act of service given out of love, for me, in many ways. I just can not imagine telling them, "No, sorry, guys. That's it. Take it or leave it." Their mouths would hang open in disbelief and I know it would hurt their feelings. Just like it would hurt mine if someone I loved and relied on to feed me did it to me.


----------



## ruhbehka (Nov 5, 2006)

We try to have more than just one thing available to eat for dinner (like a casserole and a dish of veggies and some fruit), and DS can eat what he likes. I usually give him a bit of everything to try, and then let him indicate what he wants more of. He's 17 mos, so some days he'll eat anything and others he just picks through dinner and asks to leave a minute or two later. Both are fine.

We always have a healthy snack a few hours after dinner, so if DS asks to eat again shortly after dinner, I will offer him some of whatever we had for dinner. If it's been a while, I might fix our snack early.

I try to offer healthy foods 99% of the time, so that it's no big deal if he doesn't want to eat a particular meal or snack. The next food will be something different and also healthy. We try not to keep junk food in the house except once or twice a month, and even that I don't really restrain him from eating lots of, though I might say, "Would you like an orange, instead?" if he is asking for more and has had a lot. If he declines, we'll have cake. No big deal. It won't be in the house again for a while anyway.


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

No, it doesn't take me very long to make a sandwich but the point I am trying to make here is SHE needs to learn mommy and daddy decide what is for dinner, not her. I just see it as special treatment that doesn't need to happen. Why should she have something different? We eat as a family, not having separate meals. It is the way I grew up I guess. We all sat around the table and ATE THE SAME THING. Like I said above, she does get a snack before bedtime if she wants one, most of the time she doesn't because she eats her dinner. It is just a matter of how I raise my child is different than others...no big deal, just how it is done at my house.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
the point I am trying to make here is SHE needs to learn mommy and daddy decide what is for dinner, not her.

Not being a pain in the neck really, but I don't understand this part. Why does she need to learn that she doesn't decide what is for dinner?


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Simple: We are the adults in the family. I see it as I choose what is best for my children and yes they have a voice in the house and if were up to her what we ate every night it would be spaghetti and bread. No, I am not being mean and not listening to my children, but they are 22 months and six months so I make the ground rules of the house and they will follow. In my opinion I think there should be ground rules and structure so children know what is expected and not expected of them. Yes, as they get older and mature, I am sure they will have more of an input on dinner (and hopefully help prepare it). I guess this thread is getting blown out of water for me and most of everyone is not seeing my point of view. I hope this clears it up...a little.


----------



## mommy_e (Feb 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *simplehome* 
Yes, but what can be done when a child makes the choice not to eat dinner, but then is so hungry that they won't sleep? Dinner is right before bedtime at our house, so a bedtime snack isn't really reasonable. All allowing someone to not eat anything at the dinnertable does for us is ensure a crappy night of sleep for all.


This is my big quandry. If I only make meals that "everyone likes" then we would only eat mac & cheese or pizza. My oldest isn't super picky, but his likes don't overlap the other kids' likes. DH and I are tired of bland kidfare and really none of it is good for our health. I can't make six different things every night so that everyone has something they like when I barely get a main dish, side and vege on the table on a good night. If I make something that DH and I like, then the kids usually won't eat it even if it is kid-friendly. Then there is the magical transformation of something that was devoured with extra helpings just one week ago into something "icky".

So, do I dictate a menu and refuse to make separate stuff for the kids? I feel like they get to eat anything they want for breakfast and lunch (within reason), so they can eat what I fix for dinner. After wrangling kids all day, I'm tired and hungry too and just want to eat my dinner while it is warm (not even hot!). I want to be able to sit at the table, not get up and fix sandwiches or cereal or whatever else. It also tends to be contagious - one turns his nose up and gets a sandwich so now the next one, who was happily eating before, wants a sandwich too.

But if I don't make them something to eat, then we get into this bedtime issue (our dinner is right before bed too). They are hungry and tired. which leads to tantrums, whining, fussing and then waking up in the night. The best of all is DC2's tendancy to vomit in the morning when he doesn't eat dinner.

I am just so sick of mealtimes.


----------



## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *monkey's mom* 
I just don't get how taking, what? 2 minutes? less? to throw together a sandwich or put on some water for pasta is "bending to every whim."

To me, modelling flexibility and generosity are more important. Meeting my child's hunger cues are more important than teaching lessons about what I will or will not do.

And 99% of the time my kids are eating what's served, as well. (FWIW, I mostly do have to make them separate meals b/c of severe food allergies. Making one meal for all of is a luxury).

So for those rare times when they're just not feeling the dinner I've made them, I can't see not offering up something else. I'm not going to start roasting a duck or pull out the food processor, but some pasta or microwaving some chicken nuggets just doesn't seem like that big a sacrifice so my kids can feel nourished. It's an act of service given out of love, for me, in many ways. I just can not imagine telling them, "No, sorry, guys. That's it. Take it or leave it." Their mouths would hang open in disbelief and I know it would hurt their feelings. Just like it would hurt mine if someone I loved and relied on to feed me did it to me.










Yeah that. We also have food allergy issues here too. Making one meal is definitely a luxury. My husband and I like spicy food too so we don't expect the kids to eat that. We only keep a couple of pieces of candy in the house for the emergency sweet tooth craving (for me or the kids), otherwise there is no other junk food in the house.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
Simple: We are the adults in the family. I see it as I choose what is best for my children and yes they have a voice in the house and if were up to her what we ate every night it would be spaghetti and bread. No, I am not being mean and not listening to my children, but they are 22 months and six months so I make the ground rules of the house and they will follow. In my opinion I think there should be ground rules and structure so children know what is expected and not expected of them. Yes, as they get older and mature, I am sure they will have more of an input on dinner (and hopefully help prepare it). I guess this thread is getting blown out of water for me and most of everyone is not seeing my point of view. I hope this clears it up...a little.

Got it. My parents chose pretty much everything in my life growing up...even when I did most of the cooking for my family of 9 from age 14-17.

It's a pretty efficient way to life.

My kids have been cooking since they were 18 months old in the learning towers. It's less efficient, but an incredible hoot. And we don't really have much dinner time trouble.

I love the feasts they come up with at 3 and 7. Often most unexpected.


----------



## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

There really is not a need to do anything. I don't make anything special but of course try to have something, or at least one item that everyone likes. If they choose not to eat then that is their business, not mine. They will eat when they are ready. If they like it and want to save it then I let them saran wrap it and save it for later. If not gone by the next morning I throw it out because I don't want old food in the fridge.

I let my children decide what and when to eat. Yes, they can eat cookies before dinner and skip dinner. This rarely happens though. Usually they will eat a cookie and still eat dinner. They can eat whatever they want between meals too when they want it.

None have eating disorders or weight problems. They all eat a wide variety of foods and are not picky about anything for the most part. They will actually fight you for the last brussel sprout.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momuveight2B* 
They will actually fight you for the last brussel sprout.

Yeah, what's in brussel sprouts? My 7 year old is positively enraptured with them....especially the frozen petite ones from Whole Foods....


----------



## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ann_of_loxley* 
I think the first thing to do is to start from a very young age (at weaning) with a healthy diet.










Not to pick on you but breastfeeding is the best way to teach healthy eating from the start and then let the child lead the way to weaning. Is that what you meant? If we wait until after weaning at age four, five or six then we will be much too late. When we breastfeed on demand we completely respect the child's choices of when, where and how long to breastfeed. If they approach food the same way and are in tune with their bodies and we respect that then hopefully they will avoid food battles and food related illnesses like obesity.


----------



## ruhbehka (Nov 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momuveight2B* 
Not to pick on you but breastfeeding is the best way to teach healthy eating from the start and then let the child lead the way to weaning. Is that what you meant? If we wait until after weaning at age four, five or six then we will be much too late. When we breastfeed on demand we completely respect the child's choices of when, where and how long to breastfeed. If they approach food the same way and are in tune with their bodies and we respect that then hopefully they will avoid food battles and food related illnesses like obesity.

I think she's using the word "weaning" in the British understanding of it... which is just "the beginning of solid foods."









(I remember a recent thread here complaining about a "weaning party" for six month olds, and someone explained that it didn't mean the end of breastfeeding, just the beginning of foods!)


----------



## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
Here is the rule at our house: You eat what is put on the table, as much or as little as you want. I do not cook anything special; this is not a restaurant. If you don't like it, then get down from the table and go without. That has been the rule from day one. It was the rule when I was little. I do make exceptions when they are sick (duh!) but I don't cook two different meals.



































































i was raised the same way but we had to stay at the table till everyone was done. i think it is a good thing to learn. what was there you had to eat you had to try everything at the table and if you took it you eat it. we were allowed to put what ever we wanted on it as long as we ate it.
i remember when i was small i wouldnt eat supper well when dinner was done i was allowed to leave but i got it for breakfast still wouldnt eat it so i got it for lunch guess what i ate it. (i still am hard headed)


----------



## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littlemizflava* 
i was raised the same way but we had to stay at the table till everyone was done. i think it is a good thing to learn. what was there you had to eat you had to try everything at the table and if you took it you eat it. we were allowed to put what ever we wanted on it as long as we ate it.
i remember when i was small i wouldnt eat supper well when dinner was done i was allowed to leave but i got it for breakfast still wouldnt eat it so i got it for lunch *guess what i ate it.*

Well, I assume that you did eat it, given the fact that it was the only choice you had: eat this food you cannot stand, or starve.








Sorry, but I really find that kind of sad, and disturbing.


----------



## L&IsMama (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
Simple: We are the adults in the family. I see it as I choose what is best for my children and yes they have a voice in the house and if were up to her what we ate every night it would be spaghetti and bread.

I bet if you gave her spaghetti and bread every night, per her request, she would quickly want more variety. Spaghetti is pretty verstaile, too, you can add things to the sauce and use different types of noodles. There are certainly far worse things to ask for every night than spaghetti.
nak


----------



## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I don't make a whole other meal, but if she's not into what I make I'll get her some cheerios, or a string cheese. As Ann of Loxley posted, my DD eats all day long, so missing dinner isn't that big a deal. Also, she usually drinks a cup of milk before bedtime, and I think that fills her up--I've never had her wake up hungry.

She's 3, pretty good about trying what we eat, but I don't expect her to like all of it. We eat a lot of spicy veg fare, so I'll save her some plain beans and rice if our meal is too spicy.

I think I fall somewhere in the middle (as usual) -- I'm happy to make her something easy like cereal or a sandwich but I would not appreciate being told that she wouldn't eat dinner and being expected to make her something specific each night. That sounds awful.


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

From about MDC:

Quote:

Mothering is both a fierce advocate of the needs and rights of the child and a gentle supporter of the parents, and we encourage decision-making that considers the needs of all family members.
I'm not able to reconcile the above with witholding food and/or serving nothing but last night's leftovers until the child finishes them.


----------



## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley
I think the first thing to do is to start from a very young age (at weaning) with a healthy diet.

Not to pick on you but breastfeeding is the best way to teach healthy eating from the start and then let the child lead the way to weaning. Is that what you meant? If we wait until after weaning at age four, five or six then we will be much too late. When we breastfeed on demand we completely respect the child's choices of when, where and how long to breastfeed. If they approach food the same way and are in tune with their bodies and we respect that then hopefully they will avoid food battles and food related illnesses like obesity.
lol...no I mean to offer healthy foods. (weaning age...you know when they start to eat). You would actually be surprised at the amount of mothers, at least that I know, whos children wont eat fruit and/or vegetables. But its no surprise if thats not always what has been offered them and their house is full of cakes and biscuits and crisps, etc. A child does not miss what a child never has had...and I only mentioned that because many children who refuse to eat what is given to them do so because they want something else...not something else healthy...simply because they want some cake instead. However the OP simply sounds like the child just doesnt want any food. If a child isnt hungry, they arnt hungry!


----------



## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I am posting this reminder to everyone participating in this thread. Please read before posting:

Quote:

Effective discipline is based on loving guidance. It is based on the belief that children are born innately good and that our role as parents is to nurture their spirits as they learn about limits and boundaries, rather than to curb their tendencies toward wrongdoing. Effective discipline presumes that children have reasons for their behavior and that cooperation can be engaged to solve shared problems.
Discipline solutions suggested here should reflect the spirit of gentle discipline as
it is defined above.


----------



## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I don't force myself to eat foods I don't like, and I treat my children the same way.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I might ask ds to try a new food, but I wouldn't insist. I have a fairly good idea of what he'd like and what he wouldn't, and if I tell him I think he'll like it, he generally will try it. But, I'm also careful to tell him when something is hot, spicy, or something that I'm VERY sure he will find disgusting.

I don't care how much he eats of dinner. The only dinner rule we have is that when dp and I are done eating, if ds isn't at the table, I'm going to clean up his plate. (that came about because ds will leave the table, but insist that he's going to finish his food. An hour later, it will still be sitting there, and at that point I'm not sure it's safe to save as leftovers, and not very appealing to eat it myself).

If I make something that I'm very sure ds likes (as in, he eats it, says he likes it, but would rather play than eat), I don't really like to fix other food for him for a while afterwards. But there's always an option to have something he chooses before bedtime.
If he really doesn't like it, which I believe him if he says he doesn't, I'd get him something else. In that case, if I make that food in the future, I will also make him something else that he will like.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

With out going into details we deal with very real medical based food issues and are working with therpist on it so that does change things a bit...
Something on our DD "aproved" list in given at each meal luckily her list is small but overall healthy we encourage her to try (touch to tounge) at leeast one bit of something new.. If shes says no fine but what shes given is whats given. (note we feed often and her one approved something we give a generous amount so no ones starving) if she tries the something and descides she doesn't like it then fine and often I might offer something diffrent. (or we just leave it and have more of what shes will have). Basically we set up for success have rules on no "complaining" pointing and saying EWW thats disgusting or it will kill me







: I serve healthy meals offer healthy "snacks" often and give her a certain amount of freedom within these boundries.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Another thing each meal is a new start if she decides shes doesn't want something she normally likes I'l ask if she wants to save it for latter but other than that its done over (DH eats it







) next meal a new a"day".
One rule though is she can't just look and decide I don't want it we do require she reamain at the table (she can enjoy the conversation) for a period of time (about 20 mintues or average and shes 5) because we often find she can say no quick but if given a few mintues to "consider" trying she often will.

Deanna


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PumpkinSeeds* 
Yeah that. We also have food allergy issues here too. Making one meal is definitely a luxury. My husband and I like spicy food too so we don't expect the kids to eat that. We only keep a couple of pieces of candy in the house for the emergency sweet tooth craving (for me or the kids), otherwise there is no other junk food in the house.

Here its mixed. We don't really have allergies butwe all have very real food choice diffrences. DD doesn't like things all mixed or sauces I'm not big on meat DH likes more.. SO like a simple spaghetti dinner
Me pasta with lot of veggies in the sauce no meat
DD pasta no sauce little meat alone choice veggies seperate
DH pasta miminal veggies lots of sauce
The basic meal is the same but its presented diffrently takes a little extra work but nothing horrid. I often allow family to choose say a piece of fruit what kind of sandwich ect to help custom a meal..
OTOH I've had to for financial reasons put a stop to everyone completely getting to choose whatever not for how long it takes to make but fo how much gets added to the cart when shopping.
So like
I like whole grain/wheat bread
DD likes white (thanks to MIL)
DH likes wheat but with out "stuff" as he says

I buy ezeakial sprouted grain 4:9 because it gives the best bang nurtution and still is approved by all everone compromises a but thats life

DD wants super thing pasta DH wants "white" I don't care I buy angle hair pasta plus kind because its fits budget DD need for thin and a little better bang for nutrution

DD will eat oranges bannanas apples peaches and grapes but not berries pears ect
DH likes DD list minus peaches and grapes but likes berries and pears
ETC
SO I regurally buy Apples oranges and bannanas...
GET the pattern? Its not that special things aren't gotten but I can fill the cart with all the stuff DH will eat all the stuff DD will eat and All mine things its too much spent, I know because it took me ages to realize I couldn't make everyone happy all the time.and frankly we baically but just enough to feel for X amount of meals so if I say open the pasta to make an alternitive meal or the bread to fix a sandwich then when we need it for a meal latter its not there. Of couse yes it happens and yes we consider for it on ocassion but we just can't have it happening all the time.


----------



## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

We've always strived to make a meal that has options everyone will like at least part of. No one is ever made to eat something they do not like/want to eat. We don't get into "take 1 more bite please" or any of that stuff.

If they don't want whatever dinner is there are almost always other options available that are easily made. Pudding, veggies and dip, a fast sandwich, fruit, tortilla wrap, etc.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

One thing we are working on is her just trying there are many many many things DD will take one look at and burst into tears over but yet are simpily things shes never tried (and I include things like a diffrent kind of cake or fruit puddings chips fruits veggies ect its all stuff not just "good for you) and frankly she has gotten into the if I refuse I'll never ever have to attempt and mommy will give in a make me something else. Thats why we are working on the take one bite of something diffirent rule. Like it great no well then we can find something but yes you need to try. (just one) and not ALL meals will include something new. Were simpily after 5 years trying to expand her meals beyond bolied chicken rice raw carrots bannana oranges and cheerios. Not the worse of foods but some variety would be nice...







:


----------



## Jane (May 15, 2002)

I think the OP's son is old enough to make simple meals for himself. If he doesn't like the food on the table, he could make a sandwich, or some cereal, or get some cheese and crackers. Having to take the time to make his own meal, and be limited to the choices he can make himself should be "punishment" enough for not eating the family meal.

PS - I'm an adult, and the idea of eating risotto makes me feel a little gaggy. Ugh. That's coloring my answer here, for sure.


----------



## Imogen (Jul 25, 2006)

If I have choices available to me as to what I want to eat and when I want to eat, why shouldn't my child have that same right?

Meal times are quite flexible in my house, we don't have meal times at set times everyday, we eat when we're hungry. I ask my son if there is anything specific that he may like, and you can bet he will say 'pasta bake' every time









Obviously, he needs nourishment and a wide range of foods, so I make suggestions and more often than not, he is happy with that. If not, then we negotiate a little more









I want him to have a healthy balanced diet, but I also want to respect his choices too. No one forces me to eat, so I wouldn't force my son to eat. So if there are any evenings when he doesn't want to eat his dinner, it isn't the end of the world. I will just prepare something for him at a later time, be it a sandwich, banana/apple and yogurt.

Peace


----------



## davi (Jan 28, 2007)

we don't require anyone to eat as we do. my husband grew up in a family like that & every one of them have an inability to self regulate in many areas of their lives. of course the enforced chow-down isn't the only reason, but it is the most vivd in all 5 of their minds.

my oldest is 8. she learned how to make small things at about age 5 & she is free to make whatever she wants if she doesn't like what we are having. i would be terribly upset if i had to eat something that i wasnt in the mood for. why my children dont deserve the same respect for individual tastes boggles my jmind. i have seen this same dd change her mind about foods she likes about a bazillion times. one day she likes peppers, then a month later she hates them. i think of it as her learning about her preferences.

another thing i dont get is we all encourage nursing on demand and trust our babies instincts as far as responding to their bodies needs, but for some reason we lose that faith in their ability to self-regulate as they grow. why?

usually before me or dh goes grocery shopping we all sit down at the table & make family decisions about meals we'll be having for the week. everyone gets to pick a couple main dishes, a couple sides & there's a list of "alternates" should someone change their mind about what they want. when it's the day of something dd1 picked out for dinner, she gets to help one of the adults with prep work & plating. it helps to make the child feel like they have an active role in deciding the family's nutrition & they really do enjoy helping prepare meals.

FWIW, she also went through a phase of "Only spaghetti" that lasted about a month. no biggie, i'd throw some different veggies in the food processor to blend in with the sauce & she was definatley having her nutritional needs met & her dietary requests respected as well.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

FWIW, she also went through a phase of "Only spaghetti" that lasted about a month. no biggie, i'd throw some different veggies in the food processor to blend in with the sauce & she was definatley having her nutritional needs met & her dietary requests respected as well.
Mines been in the "spaghetti only"" stage for umm five years and she wont touch sauce so no hiding veggies.


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *davi* 
FWIW, she also went through a phase of "Only spaghetti" that lasted about a month. no biggie, i'd throw some different veggies in the food processor to blend in with the sauce & she was definatley having her nutritional needs met & her dietary requests respected as well.

Yeah, it seems really common and normal to me that kids get *very* into a few or one thing at a time. It just runs it course, I've found.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *octobermom* 
Mines been in the "spaghetti only"" stage for umm five years and she wont touch sauce so no hiding veggies.

That sounds hard.









But, like you said, you guys have some other stuff going on.

eta: Just to say, that 5 yrs. of one food does not sound like something most kids would do.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *octobermom* 
With out going into details we deal with very real medical based food issues and are working with therpist on it so that does change things a bit...


----------



## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L&IsMama* 
Well, I assume that you did eat it, given the fact that it was the only choice you had: eat this food you cannot stand, or starve.








Sorry, but I really find that kind of sad, and disturbing.

i was not forced to eat things i didnt like we were to try them. as for the meal i was speaking of i liked it i was like that tho i would go long without eating then sneek and take the samething when no one was looking. didnt think it would of got out of hand but should of known the site i was speaking in and like always mind my words....


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

littlemizflava: Right on about the dinner thing. Thank you for agreeing with me. I knew I wasn't the ONLY one raised like that. I guess I won't fix what is not broken in my family. The way we do dinner time in our household works for US, it may not work for everyone, but it does just fine for us and that is all I really need.







:


----------



## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
No, it doesn't take me very long to make a sandwich but the point I am trying to make here is SHE needs to learn mommy and daddy decide what is for dinner, not her. I just see it as special treatment that doesn't need to happen. Why should she have something different? We eat as a family, not having separate meals. It is the way I grew up I guess. We all sat around the table and ATE THE SAME THING. Like I said above, she does get a snack before bedtime if she wants one, most of the time she doesn't because she eats her dinner. It is just a matter of how I raise my child is different than others...no big deal, just how it is done at my house.

We eat as a family, but if my son doesn't like it (rare, as we encorporate things he likes at the table) he can have one other option. (He is 2.5 which is why we have to limit the options, he's testing a lot of that out.







)

I look at it like this - right now, while he is little, we limit the food that comes into the house to healthy things. That's more than enough control for me. If he wants to eat cheese instead of chicken, that's ok. I won't cook a whole separate meal because that would probably make me a bit crazy. But it is no big deal to get him some cheese and peas and a bun.

For the special treatment... I don't know. Maybe my family is weird, but part of our joy in eating together _is_ actually to give each other special treatment. We try to cook things we all enjoy as a gift to each other, and to share it together. Obviously sometimes we have different tastes over overall, I would say that is the focus of our meals - special treatment.


----------



## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

I have 3 kiddos - ages 12, 9, and 2. The 2 y/o eats like a horse, while the two oldest are picky as heck. I find it very frustrating, simply because I hate spending time cooking dinner only to have them not eat it. (as typical picky kids, they only really like about 3 meals!) We adopted the "try it/if you don't like it/fix yourself something healthy" routine several years ago as a way to preserve sanity and fill tummies.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

eta: Just to say, that 5 yrs. of one food does not sound like something most kids would do.
I agree thats why I also said some posts back we deal with REAL eatting food texture ect issues. I have the child that will truly starve herself than eat, when she was a baby nursing I HAD to put her on a schedule because if not she never /rarely indicated shes needed to feed and was FTT. We work with therpist. I still do all I can to respect her needs to provide as healthy I can to be patient and understanding rules are a little diffrent for us.


----------



## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

ideas to do with your ds to get him intrested in food...
buy and decorate a apron or make one his favorite fabirc. talk to him make a list or even his own cookbook of recipes that he likes aslo look at cookbooks, mag's or online ones with pictures. find ones that intrest him. when you go shopping have a list what is needed to buy and when it comes time have him help make it. yes it will take longer but the key is to try to get him intrested and if he helps he will feel more of a part. who dont want to taste what they made


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *davi* 
another thing i dont get is we all encourage nursing on demand and trust our babies instincts as far as responding to their bodies needs, but for some reason we lose that faith in their ability to self-regulate as they grow. why?

BINGO!

This is what I don't understand, either.

Trusting my kids has been one of the most humbling, eye-opening experiences of my life. And they have CONSISTENTLY proved the, "If you don't do xyz, you'll end up with kids who blah, blah, blah...." traditional parenting predictions dead wrong.


----------



## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *L&IsMama* 
Well, I assume that you did eat it, given the fact that it was the only choice you had: eat this food you cannot stand, or starve.








Sorry, but I really find that kind of sad, and disturbing.

Absolutely! I think that's absolutely horrible.


----------



## Best Feeling (May 11, 2005)

I also don't make special meals just for the kids. The exception is if we are making something that I truly know the kids won't like (steak comes to mind).

Things we do:
-make sure there is _at least_ one healthy option at every meal that the kids like

-ask what they want for dinner, we don't do this every night but they make surprisingly good choices and it gives them a chance to contribute to family meals

-they help "cook" - they are only 3 and 4.5 so they don't really cook, but they'll add ingredients, help get stuff out the fridge, etc - again, I think this helps them feel like contributors

-we encourage, but don't force, them to try things they think are yucky, especially if it is a new food...they'll often decide that it isn't yucky afterall. if they decide it still IS yucky, they don't have to eat it. (we're also working on table manners, i.e. "please don't call it yucky, just say 'no thank you.'")

I can't think of a meal where they flatout refused to eat anything. If they did, I'd offer up PB and crackers or something similar but easy.

Sometimes they don't eat much but that's okay, their stomachs are small and I've found that my kids are really good about self-regulating. If one goes through a phase where they aren't eating much, I just assume they don't need the food. Besides, they tend to make up for it in a few days but totally eating everything in sight


----------



## 93085 (Oct 11, 2007)

I haven't read all the responses.

We sort of shamelessly hold dessert out as a brass ring. Basically, she has to eat _something_ if she wants to have dessert (which is like a pumpkin muffin or sugar-free pudding or yogurt). If she wants to absolutely not eat dinner and consequently not have dessert, that's her choice and it's totally fine--no berating or eye-rolling or disappointed sighs.

In terms of what, specifically, she has to eat in order to get dessert--we mostly want to be sure she gets some protein and some veggies (not generally a problem to get her to eat carbs). So it's usually a matter of having a few bites of whatever the main dish is, and whatever the accompanying vegetable is. If she's clearly freaking out because of the horribleness of either of those things, we'll substitute with lunch meat or string cheese or baby carrots or fruit or something. We don't ever expect her to clean her plate or eat everything she's been given--for us, at this point, it's not about politeness, it's about basic nutrition and fostering a healthy attitude (physical and emotional) about food.

I will add that this is all made easier by the fact that she will _always_ drink milk until the cows come home (if you will), so even if she refuses dinner we know she's not going to faint from hunger.


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Mine will do the same thing, as long as she TRIES to eat what we are eating that is all that matters to me. I have got a good thing going because she is our little "garbage disposal" as we call her because she will eat anything. Right now she really really really likes raw potatoes for some reason? And rice...anything with rice in it she will gobble. She doesn't even LOOK at her food really, she just grabs and eats.


----------



## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:

Well, I assume that you did eat it, given the fact that it was the only choice you had: eat this food you cannot stand, or starve.
Sorry, but I really find that kind of sad, and disturbing.
I have to assume the folks who judge this have never been in a situation where it's a financial reality.
I hjave been, both as a kid and a mom. It doesn't happen nearly as often now as it did when I was between jobs but sometimes, on a bad month, when it gets down to shopping day no one's happy at lunchtime but we truly have no other choices.


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Thanks warriorprincess, because I have been there, and I was there as a child every now and then too. Sometimes that is all we have...no other groceries or other options to eat, I don't see it as others do I guess????


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I grew up in a large family with 6 closely-spaced children and one income. The rule: eat it or leave it but don't talk about it. Nobody wants a running commentary on your love-hate relationship with green beans.

My parents economized at every turn. Snacks were rare. But dessert every night is cheap and keeps the family at the table until the end. Dinner was simple and filling. There was always something on the table that each person liked.

But nobody had to eat anything. If you didn't eat it fairly quickly, someone else would say, "You gonna eat your....?" Kind of a pain for my slower eating sister. If you didn't want it someone else did.

In fact, to this day, when someone in my family says, "I don't really like....." about a food, someone will chime in (in jest), "Good, more for me."

No need to follow someone around with leftovers until they ate 'em. That's not saving money. That's something else entirely.


----------



## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *warriorprincess* 
I have to assume the folks who judge this have never been in a situation where it's a financial reality.
I hjave been, both as a kid and a mom. It doesn't happen nearly as often now as it did when I was between jobs but sometimes, on a bad month, when it gets down to shopping day no one's happy at lunchtime but we truly have no other choices.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
Thanks warriorprincess, because I have been there, and I was there as a child every now and then too. Sometimes that is all we have...no other groceries or other options to eat, I don't see it as others do I guess????








































































:twot humbs




























:twot humbs





























funny how some just never get it but then it might be a blessing but i think it is not it is better to know the hard times make you love the good ones even more


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Explaining gently and apologizing to your child for legitimately not having another option is not the same as making a RULE that if you don't eat this you get nothing else.


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

That is what my mom said to us girls growing up littlemizflava. We appreciated food A LOT more because we knew how hard it was for my folks to get it at times. My dad is a small farmer who doesn't work for a corporation and my mom stayed home with us kids. Trust me, we did have plenty of corn to eat, but other times we had very little other options. We ate as a family, said grace, and no one got a "special" meal. We learned to like what mom cooked and no one complained about it either.


----------



## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
I grew up in a large family with 6 closely-spaced children and one income. The rule: eat it or leave it but don't talk about it. Nobody wants a running commentary on your love-hate relationship with green beans.

My parents economized at every turn. Snacks were rare. But dessert every night is cheap and keeps the family at the table until the end. Dinner was simple and filling. There was always something on the table that each person liked.

But nobody had to eat anything. If you didn't eat it fairly quickly, someone else would say, "You gonna eat your....?" Kind of a pain for my slower eating sister. If you didn't want it someone else did.

In fact, to this day, when someone in my family says, "I don't really like....." about a food, someone will chime in (in jest), "Good, more for me."

No need to follow someone around with leftovers until they ate 'em. That's not saving money. That's something else entirely.

I love this post. I feel like I can picture your whole family at the table.


----------



## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Yes, I do make a rule, but it is based on how I grew up. I think it worked wonders for us as children so I use it today with my kids...and guess what?? It works for us. It might not work for you or your family, but for us it does and my kids are happy with it.


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
Yes, I do make a rule, but it is based on how I grew up. I think it worked wonders for us as children so I use it today with my kids...and guess what?? It works for us. It might not work for you or your family, but for us it does and my kids are happy with it.

Except it's not a rule that's in keeping with this site and this forum. And a mod has already asked that we keep our responses aligned with both.


----------



## momuveight2B (Mar 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
I grew up in a large family with 6 closely-spaced children and one income. The rule: eat it or leave it but don't talk about it. Nobody wants a running commentary on your love-hate relationship with green beans.

My parents economized at every turn. Snacks were rare. But dessert every night is cheap and keeps the family at the table until the end. Dinner was simple and filling. There was always something on the table that each person liked.

But nobody had to eat anything. If you didn't eat it fairly quickly, someone else would say, "You gonna eat your....?" Kind of a pain for my slower eating sister. If you didn't want it someone else did.

In fact, to this day, when someone in my family says, "I don't really like....." about a food, someone will chime in (in jest), "Good, more for me."

No need to follow someone around with leftovers until they ate 'em. That's not saving money. That's something else entirely.

I grew up in that family except we had twelve kids and dad made $1.25 an hour back in the sixties. I have that family today too because I have eight kids, dad living here now and two parents. I economize but we always have plenty of good food to eat then and now. We don't waste anything and children that are known to be picky at certain meals are given tiny teaspoon size servings and then can ask for more.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littlemizflava* 






































































:twot humbs




























:twot humbs





























funny how some just never get it but then it might be a blessing but i think it is not it is better to know the hard times make you love the good ones even more

My point is that this has nothing to do with economics or family dinners.

It has no more to do with learning to get through hard times together than forced marches have to do with long family hikes together.


----------



## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I think sitting up strict rules just sets you up for confrontation and heartache. I don't want meals to be battles.


----------



## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

This has been such an interesting thread. My son is only 17 months old, nad already he's showing that he doesn't like many foods (with the full body shudder if they cross his lips). So far, it doesn't matter much--he eats more of the items he likes, and it's all rounded out by breastfeeding.

Dh and I each have one food we don't like (him-mayo, me-fennel), and so we look at this picky child in complete wonder.







This thread has given me alot of ideas on how to best handle it, though.


----------



## debbieh (Apr 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
I don't force myself to eat foods I don't like, and I treat my children the same way.

Exactly what I was thinking. And just so you know, I WAS also raised to either eat what mom cooked, or do without. Do I think that makes it ok? Absolutely not! They made mistakes too, and will readily admit it today. Children deserve the same respect that adults always demand. If they don't like something, no amount of force feeding will make them like it. I speak from experience here, because I was forced to eat tuna as a child and I absolutely HATE it now. (just one example) I have never forced my dc to either eat what I cook or do without. Not only because I don't eat what I don't like, but also because even tho I might like something, that doesn't mean that I am in the mood for it on that particular day. So why can't my child feel the same? What I always did when they were little was to offer them something simple that required no or very little additional cooking, such as cereal, pbj sandwiches, grilled cheese sandwiches......
And when they got old enough to cook, if they didn't want what I made, they were free to make their own. And often did. I think that this also partly boils down to an issue of respect. How can one "demand" (as so many do) the respect of your children, yet treat them with none? They live what they learn from us, their parents.


----------



## 93085 (Oct 11, 2007)

LOL, I actually do make myself eat stuff I hate. I'm not a fan of green veggies, but I eat them to set a good example, and because I know my body needs them.

That said, I too do not agree with "eat what I serve or go hungry." We always offer straight-outta-the-fridge alternatives. I'm a grown-up and choking down some green beans is not going to make me throw up or manifest itself with major food issues later in life; it might for my kids. As long as they have a reasonably similar replacement (carrots, fruit), I'm fine with that.

I draw the line with forcing myself to eat broccoli though. DD1 believes that I don't eat it because I'm breastfeeding. So I have to keep breastfeeding until she leaves home. LOL.


----------



## cancat (Jun 15, 2004)

haven't read the replies but we:

-encourage dd to try things
-don't make a big fuss if she doesn't try them
-don't make her eat anything (obviously)
-don't use dessert as a reward/punishment
-offer her something that she doesn't hate but that isn't her favourite either if she won't try what's in front of her (ie, raw carrots, apples) as long as it doesn't require much work (this is not a restaurant)

Offer her a snack at bedtime of the things she didn't try at dinner (maybe she wasn't hungry?) along with some other healthy things (nothing like ice cream, for example).


----------



## tooticky (Mar 30, 2006)

I totally agree with not using dessert as a reward/punishment.... but I have a question:

I love to bake. I make nice desserts quite frequently. Ds likes to help me...

DS is getting pickier and pickier by the hour, and at this point really doesn't like anything for supper. I don't force him to eat, but I don't make anything else for him, telling him that he can choose to eat dinner if he wants to. (We make things that he has wolfed down in the relatively recent past - I'm not cooking things that are outlandish!).

I don't want to deny him sweets, but I also feel strongly that he needs nutritious foods before eating a treat.

We usually wait until after he is asleep to have dessert.

I have considered offering him these desserty things earlier in the day... Maybe after lunch if he has eaten a decent amount of "real" food.

What are your thoughts?


----------



## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

tooticky--I'd focus on baking healthy treats with him. It's only natural that he would ask for the sweet treats he helped you bake. If he is losing his appetite for heathier foods--make desserts that are very nutritious. Some children can understand having sugar desserts after a meal, not as a reward, but as a way to fuel their bodies with healthy foods before filling up on sugary treats. But I don't think a young child will always understand this reasoning, and if you child balks at healthy food while clamoring for sugary stuff, I would definitely go to the root of the issue and replace the sugary stuff with healthy options. You might check out the Moosewood Cookbook and other natural whole foods cookbooks for sweet and healthy treats. Anything with nut butters, yogurt, honey, and fruit as a base will be sweet and healthy. Rice makes a great healthy base--rice pudding made with whole eggs and brown rice and honey is yummy! The options are endless.


----------



## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
tooticky--I'd focus on baking healthy treats with him.

ITA. There's a recipe on this site (Peggy's Kitchen on the homepage) for Banana Oatmeal Cookies that have no flour, butter, any dairy or sweeteners of any kind


----------



## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

On the topic of food we made only healthy foods available, fed ds when he was hungry, and didn't feed him when he wasn't hungry. My general philosophy is that children should have those healthy foods available to them which are available to their parents. The only caveat is that parents do not have unlimited time to bake everyone separate meals, so with very small children, I definitely would stock the pantry repertoire with those foods which can be offered with a minimum of fuss. I really have never understood carefully controlled meal planning, unless we are talking about a family that needs to feed a lot of people on a very limited budget. There again, the parents and kids are in the same boat, and we are not talking about withholding available foods. There is certainly no shame in not having a fridge full of alternatives to give a child at each meal--but the truth is that many of us posting here _do_ have extra's like packaged yogurt, peanut butter, fruit, noodles, or eggs, which are just sitting there in the fridge and could be made available to a child who doesn't want to eat the lasagna. When you have the food but don't want the kids to have it, it becomes a discipline issue--but that is very different than simply not having extra food. I find there is a lot of subtle nudging in these threads which hints: parents in the first category can, with mealtime rules, imbue a child with the kind of unquestioning gratitude and appreciation for "what's on the table" which would naturally develops when food is scarce, or hard won.

The problem, though, is there actually *is* more food available in these homes, and the discipline issues that develop are almost entirely the result of this fact. The child knows there is more food. They can see it plainly, in the fridge, or the cabinet. The only thing more frustrating that not having much food in the house, would have to be having food in the house, but having someone else tell you when and what you may eat.

Instead of feeling grateful for what mom prepares, kids often feel frustrated and resentful. Depending on the personality of the child, and the flexibility of the parent, a lot of the frustration may be easily placated with creative meal planning and lots of table variety. But whatever happens at the table, the parent often doesn't get back the kind of appreciation they want for their cooking, planning, and coaxing.

The second problem is that this kind of value for eating whatever is set before you may be quite harmful to children raised in affluent societies. It's hard to think about ourselves as affluent, but most of us posting here are wildly affluent compared to many of the people living in the world. Many people on earth could not begin to imagine having something *different* for dinner each week. The variety in our diets, the cleanliness of our food, is beyond the wildest imaginings of many other families on earth.

Ds will never learn gratitude by having available choices withheld. Just like I won't learn to appreciate what I can buy in the store by having the manager blockade various aisles at random. It would take a total catastrophe of deprivation to experience gratitude this way--a flood washing away all the stores, for example. I don't think most of us want to re create total deprivation in order to get our kids to the place of feeling humbly grateful for whatever crust is set before them. I have found it's very easy to foster gratitude in ds by simply stating aloud my own grateful thoughts, and encouraging him to do the same. "I'm so glad we have peaches today--they are my favorite fruit" said by me, might result in ds saying the next week "Oh I'm so glad we are having spaghetti, that's my favorite!". I also talk about our budget and show him exactly how much there is to spend and what food costs. Ds often spontaneously says 'Oh thank you mom for getting me this treat!" or 'Oh thank you for making pizza tonight!". With little prompting he seems to have developed a very natural appreciation for the food he eats.

But lets say that you could creat an atmosphere of thankful, compliant gratitude in the home by having lots of rules....your child would eventually have to go out into a world of excess and overwhelming food choices. Children who must live in that world--the world most of us here live in--need us to help them develop the skills to thrive among such excess.

Why not work with the knowledge our children possess instead? Why not help them make wise food choices in the home, so that they will be prepared to think critically and logically for themselves outside the home? Little one's are easily overwhelmed. We can help them by bringing home healthy foods, and make sure the alternatives are full of "yes"s rather than "no"s. Talk to them about what their body needs. Don't make a big deal out of food phases. Engage them in problem solving. Lead by example. If boundaries are needed, let them be short term solutions, while actively helping your child towards success with self discipline. Realize that good eating habits are a lifelong challenge for people in affluent societies. Obesity is a crisis for those in first world countries. Our children will probably never reach a point where they are "done" learning how to eat better and healthier--who here hasn't had to change something about their own eating habits in the last five years? It's a lifelong process. Good nutrition is so important, and requires active problem solving, critical thinking, and the ability to make good food choices. I think it's important to begin with a healthy food environment (breastfeeding, whole foods in the home) and work with our children as they grow and develop a greater awareness of food choices.

I have written a book here--I'm done--thanks for reading this far


----------



## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jescafa* 
LOL, I actually do make myself eat stuff I hate. I'm not a fan of green veggies, but I eat them to set a good example, and because I know my body needs them.

.

See, I do this too. I would eat nothing but meat,cheese, and carbs if I ate what I wanted- not healthy. I force myself to eat spinach and broccoli.


----------



## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cujobunny* 
ITA. There's a recipe on this site (Peggy's Kitchen on the homepage) for Banana Oatmeal Cookies that have no flour, butter, any dairy or sweeteners of any kind









I can't find it....do ya have the link, perchance?


----------



## dflanag2 (Oct 4, 2005)

We talk about eating a variety in our house. DS is 3.5 and he loves grains... fortunately all we have are whole grains! He will eat whole grain cereal for breakfast, then want a whole wheat tortilla for a snack, then crackers, then bread at lunch with his sandwich, etc, etc. (He also eats other foods in there, I am constantly inserting fruit/veg/dairy/meat/protein into/alongside the grain)

I typically let him eat what he wants, but when he asks for seconds on carbs, I remind him that we need to eat a variety, and ask what else he would like, then give him some non-carb options. We tell him he needs to eat a variety of foods to be healthy and grow. We don't quantify any food, I just want to encourage him to eat more than one thing at each meal. I aim to offer 3-5 foods at each main meal.

Same with dinner--he will inhale the dinner roll with butter, then ask for another, and we will remind to eat a variety before eating a second roll. He usually complies. He is a great eater, but typically his big meal of the day is a late lunch (2-3 PM we're talking...) so I make a point to make lunch a really good meal for him. He will occasionally help me cook, but will often not eat what we make, for whatever reason, I'm not sure why.

Sometimes I think it isn't an appetite thing as much as a sensory overload thing:
Tonight I made Turkey Tetrazzini with some leftover turkey breast







and at first he wouldn't touch it. I had him bring his plate to my seat and started pointing to individual items in the casserole. Mushroom? No, didn't want it. Piece of turkey? "Yes, I love turkey!" ate it. Whole wheat spaghetti? Ate 6 bites, interspersed with the onion, green bell pepper, and pimento that was included. And the sauce was a cheese sauce. He was happy to eat it, and liked it after the individual ingredients were pointed out to him. (well, it helped that I was feeding it to him too, he likes that.) The big blob of casserole mixed together was overwhelming to him.

DD is 17 months and ate as much as she could get into her mouth with the baby fork (the rest was on her front). It cracks me up that she insists on using it for every bite. She is a big dinner eater. She will eat pretty much anything, I love it!

Another issue for us is that DS will (I think) eat as little as possible to ease the hunger pangs, then go back to the much more exciting playing that the meal so inconveniently interrupted. Then he is starving in the middle of our next activity. At breakfast, morning snack, and lunch I am gently reminding him that last time he got very hungry and cranky when we did a past activity and encourage him (not force or insist) to eat a little more so that he will last a little longer.

I tell him I want his tummy to feel good and for him to feel happy instead of cranky. I bring food and water with us wherever we go, even if it is just some whole wheat pretzels.

Sorry this is so long, but another thing I wanted to mention that I try to put out food without making any verbal comment about it, not "What would you like?" or even, "Here you go." For some reason, the less I say out loud about the food I am offering, the more he eats.









-dflanag2


----------



## tulips117 (Feb 23, 2005)

What a great thread! Just chiming in here, that I make one meal for dinner each night. It is always a healthy meal, usually consisting of a starch, protein or meat, and vegetable. We typically have salad and bread at the table. These are the only options for dinner. If DS 4 doesn't like it, I always reply, "Well this is our food, and we are lucky to have it." If he doesn't eat, he is expected to sit at the table until the rest of us finish.

Now, he is STILL a born vegetarian even though DH, me, and his 2 yo brother all eat meat. It's fine with me if he leaves it on his plate. But I will not make another meal for anyone; and he has come to see that he better eat or he will be quite hungry later.

I know it's a hard line, but I feel strongly about not being a short order cook; nor do I want him to be ungrateful for the healthy food that his daddy worked very hard for to provide for us.


----------



## NaomiMcC (Mar 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilgreen* 
What do you do when your child just does not like dinner?

I give him the option to either eat it or not. But if not, there's only water until bedtime and then he can wait until breakfast.

I'm not a restaurant. I do not make different meals for everybody. Don't like it, don't eat it. Simple as that. No child has ever starved skipping dinner.

I cannot stand picky eaters.







:


----------



## LilyGrace (Jun 10, 2007)

Just to throw my $.02 in here...

I was a picky eater as a child. Very picky. I remember eating mayonaise sandwiches at one point and covering my already sweetened cereal with scoops of sugar. My mom's rule was if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it, which I don't think is exactly what I needed.

So, in our house, there's the one bite rule. You don't have to eat everything on your plate - _unless you want seconds_. What you do have to do is taste it all. We talk a lot about healthy eating and foods we used to not like but now do because of tasting one bite at each meal. When the boys were smaller, I used tv tray-style dishes to illustrate what we needed to eat - starches, meat, and sweet in the top sections, veggies/fruit in the large bottom section. If a child wanted seconds of anything, all the food needed to be eaten (and was usually served in 1/2 sized portions).
We cook together, we shop together, we garden together, we decide on meals together. So far it seems to be working well. My kids have MUCH better eating habits than I ever had (or do!), with favorite foods ranging from sushi to oatmeal with strawberries. They have a better grasp of nutrition and how it's fuel, with a better understanding of how each food helps them than I did as a kid.

I won't say this way works for everyone, but it took much of the edge off mealtime for us and helped them to develop their own tastes.


----------



## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

lately I'm into 'leftover meals' to combat this.

what I do is make something and then also dig through the fridge and heat up a couple other options.

so our meal for the evening might be roasted chicken, a big salad, and rice, and also on the table will be a small plate or two of random leftovers I found in the fridge, like some leftover lasagna, yesterdays sweet potatoes, whatever.

out of that I find my kids typically end up eating some sort of protein, some sort of grain, and some sort of something from the fruits and veggies group.

(they're not terribly picky my 3 year old is just WAY INTO choice and my one year old likes variety. this gives her something different at the next meal without me having to COOK it.)

we usually do a bedtime snack too with fruit and maybe PB and J or something if DS really didn't eat. (PBJ always wins LOL) around a couple hours after dinner

but at dinner you choose from what's on the table or well, you are obviously not very hungry so you wait.


----------



## mommy_e (Feb 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NaomiMcC* 
No child has ever starved skipping dinner.


No, but they can be very uncomfortable, in physical pain, and in the case of my second child, physically ill (vomiting) from it.

I just can't reconcile this with GD no matter how tired I am of fixing food that goes uneaten. I am still searching for a happy medium.


----------



## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I realize everyone's family does what works for them. But I wanted to pick up on a couple of reason posts.

One is the concept that gratitude is learned by limiting choice. I just wanted to say that my experience is different. When I was growing up my mother used food many, many times to "teach a lesson in gratitude" to the family. One time my father had wasted some money so we ate plain white rice for two weeks for every meal. Another time my sister said something rude about a meal and my mother fed her that meal for days.

What I learned in my teens and early 20s was first of all, that my thoughts, feelings, and experiences were not important at the family dinner table. I started to use my babysitting money to buy McDonalds after school every day (imagine what my arteries look like now) and I just tuned out at the table completely. When I got freedom to eat what I wanted, at university, I gained 30 lbs. For me, food = mother's control, and so later when food = freedom I exercised poor choices.

I realize that is an extreme example, but just think about what really creates gratitude. I think when people say "I learned to appreciate what we had" they are usually talking about a REALITY that their family had. When it is an artificially created lesson (no, you may not have anything else, even though the fridge is full and you can see that it is) I am not sure gratitude is what comes to mind.

Second, lots of people have talked about picky eaters - hating them, not creating them, etc. I wonder if you have read the research on this. While I do think there are some people who won't try things out of habit, scientific research does show that some people are "supertasters" or naturally picky. They taste and sense texture in a different way than the rest of us. After reading that and looking around my family, I honestly think that the vast majority of "pickiness" is either:

a) an inborn trait that you can fight all you like, but it will remain or
b) a developmental stage

Remember that between the ages of 2-5 in "the wild" children would be exposed to a lot of hazardous plants and so on. Their pickiness at an age when they are more mobile and capable is actually probably designed to protect them from eating poisonous things. Also, for most people in the world (and in history), foods were much more limited to what was available locally. Having so many different tastes may not be totally natural to a growing child, and enjoying the same food day after day (while adults tend to eat less, if their choices are limited) may also be a survival trait.

I am not saying anyone needs to be a short-order cook (I am not, although I'm willing to offer quick alternatives). I'm just saying that framing this as a MORAL issue with young children may be setting up conflicts that time itself would handle.


----------



## cancat (Jun 15, 2004)

I just have two say that in North America there is an epidemic of obesity and eating disorders...given that, there's no way I'm making anyone eat anything they don't want to (but OTOH I'm not giving them dessert for dinner either).


----------



## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

I only make one meal each night becasue that is what my time and energy allow - but I make sure the meal has something appealing to everyone. For years I made chicken nuggets on the nights I also made chicken curry. They both came to the table at the same time and were considered part of "the meal" - the nuggets were not made after my kids saw the curry and decided they didn't want it. One by one they all tried the curry and now it is a favourite meal at our house. It gave them a chance to get used to the smell and seeing it aorund while not having to try it right away.

When the table gets set, unless I know it is a meal everyone loves, I make a point of putting a bowl of apples, a dish of nuts and a loaf of bread on the table.

Different familes place different values on the evening meal. Some don't see it as a big deal - get what you want when you want and that works for them. Other familes have different needs or realities. The evening meal is an important part of the day in our family and sharing a common (or community) meal is a value for us. I respect that not everyone agrees with that. I prepare nutritious and tasty options but don't have the time or money to make everyone happy with the choices all of the time.

I feel like there is a significant difference between putting the bread, nuts, cheese or fruit on the table before the meal begins and making it a part of the meal for those who choose it, and people getting up after the meal has started and preparing something else, no matter how simple.


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
I can't find it....do ya have the link, perchance?

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ighlight=fruit
Post #2.

I know that the point is to be sugar free, but I find that they are a bit more tender if I add 1-2 tbsp of sugar (to the whole batch).
We LOVE them here (but then...I add chocolate chips, because I hate raisins. um, so how healthy are they with my changes? lol)


----------



## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I posted before that I make the meal, include things DD likes, and she can have cereal or crackers and cheese if she wants that instead. However, I just had an interesting conversation with a friend, that she is getting into to confrontations with her son, who will only eat peanut butter sandwiches. 3 meals a day. He is five and this has gone on for two years now, and she is really worried about his health and growth. He is a very stubborn kid, and he really will not eat anything other than peanut butter sandwiches and the occasional apple. She went with the flow for a while, figuring it was a phase, but it has really been two years now and she's worried. He is totally inflexible, and would honestly rather just not eat than eat anything else.

So, I think the issue is more than food--he's stubborn (for lack of a better word) about many things. But how do you handle that? She would rather he eat pb sandwiches than starve. But she really needs to get him to eat something else. How do you keep it from turning into a power struggle and how do you get a kid with an inflexible personality to bend a little?


----------

