# Sexually Active Teens



## Coffee Mom (Dec 21, 2004)

Hi everyone, a friend and I had a discussion at work last night about how you deal with your teens that are sexually active. Other than keeping them safe and giving them guidance, do you or would you when your kids were older:
1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I have 2 daughters 14 and 16, and my friend has a 15 yo son, all of our kids are active unfortunately, and her and i have way differing views on how we are dealing with this. Would love to hear some comments, I'll share mine later. Hugs







Jan


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## Houdini (Jul 14, 2004)

My crew have not hit the teenage years so this is pure speculation on my part. I pray that they will remain virgins until marriage, but here are my answers to the questions. Again, it is just a guess at this point.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? I would not because to me that is the same as supporting their behavior, which I would not. This is the same reason I refuse to buy cigarettes/alcohol for anyone adult or otherwise.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Absolutely not ever.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? My best friend in high school was not allowed to be alone with her b/f in her bedroom (door open or not) and I always thought that was crazy. Now that I am a parent, I totally agree with that line of thinking.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
We are open about sex now, so I don't see that changing in the future.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I would absolutely talk to them about their decision to engage in pre-marital sex and why it is inappropriate. I would encourage them to re-think their decision.


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## pickle it (May 16, 2004)

My only child is three, so I can only tell you how I plan on handling this situation.

I will make sure that by an appropriate age, she understands that sex is good and natural and she will probably want to do it someday. She will also understand that sex can have negative consequences, such as diseases, unwanted pregnancy, and social fiascos. I knew and understood these things by the time I was about 12, so I don't see why she shouldn't.

When I made the decision to begin having sex (at 14) nothing in the world would have stopped me. I assume she will be the same. I would rather have my child informed and safe, and enjoying sex at whatever age she is emotionally and physically ready to do so, then sneaking around getting hurt or worse because of some arbitrarily set age limit. And feeling that she can't come to me for advice, or birth control.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

I don't have teens, but I've only just been a teen! (I'm 21). I technically became sexually active at 14, but that was a one-off occurence. I started sleeping with my partner regularly when we were 17 & both living at home.

*1. Pay for their condoms or bc?* My parents didn't do this, but I think they knew I was educated enough & clued in enough to be able to get hold of these things (for free) myself. I know a family who keep condoms in the bathroom cabinet so as to be accessible to their children. I don't think one should necessarily buy them birth control items but that if you know it would be difficult for them to get hold of them, you're increasing the risk of pregnancy & infection by with-holding aid.

*2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?* I think that depends very much on your own comfort level. I was always allowed to sleep with my partner at either house. I think if your children are sexually active they are going to have sex, & by refusing to allow it in the house, you push them into parks & backseats etc, & you actually manage to remove all that is loving & affectionate, which is presumably what you would rather encourage, & just make it into having sex & moving on quickly before being caught... Which is not what you want to achieve. I also appreciated, at 17, being treated like an adult. It was my decision whether we would share a bed or not, not my parents' decision.

*3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?* Mm, be open & there for your teens to confide in you & ask your advice, yes. Scrutinise their phonebills, no. (I had a friend whose mother checked her cell phone bills every month even at 17. She got another secret phone to use for contact with her boyfriend. You just drive their activities underground.)

*4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?* Communicate! My parents always communicated with me, & led me to be well-informed. You're shooting yourself in the foot by not talking to your kids about sex, IMO. Begin young









*5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?* I would accept it. But I don't have a problem with pre-marital sex. I do have a problem with promiscuity, but I assumed that we were talking about more regular boyfriend/girlfriend sexual activity rather than should you let your daughter bring home a different boy every night.


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

All of my answers should be taken with the fact that I currently have only a 16-month-old son. I believe sex should be reserved for serious comitted relationships, but not necessarily "marriage" (since I don't think marriage is for everybody). I think people are sexual beings long before it is realistic to be married in our society. I don't know what to do about that conflict except just recognize it for what it is. So all in all, I hope when my children are teens that they will have a certain level of maturity, and be with a kind and gentle person, before they become sexually active, but I don't have a particular age in mind.

*1. Pay for their condoms or bc?* Yes--I think of this as a personal health product and I would no more refuse to pay for it than I would refuse to pay for, say, deodorant or tampons. Teens who are in school are pretty much financially dependent so it strikes me as kind of punitive and unreasonable to have an attitude like "it's an adult activity so if you're adult enough to do it you're adult enough to pay for it." (Not that anyone here has said that, but I've heard that statement before and find it strange.)

*2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?* Yes.

*3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?* Privacy.

*4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?* I plan to always be very open about it, as well as provide age-appropriate books all along that will allow my child to learn on his or her own.

*5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?* I don't think the typical teen can be convinced to stop sexual activity once they have begun, short of major guilt-inducing religious or fear-based education programs. At least, most of my peers when I was a teen were not about to stop regardless of how their parents felt about it, begged, punished, etc.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

I have a teen, but he's not active yet. (Would love to hear opinions from people who have btdt!)

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

I'd take dd to my midwife and discuss bc options with her. I'd also discuss bc options with ds and disease prevention with all of them. I would encourage them to take responsibility for the financing of the bc, but if that wasn't possible, I'd pay for it rather than risk the alternative.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

I would.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

They have privacy now, so I don't see that changing.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

We communicate about it now, so again, I'd expect that to continue.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

Teens are humans. Humans are driven to have sex. I'm more concerned with their ability to have a good, caring, respectful relationship with another person than whether they're having sex or not. I wouldn't try to get them to stop having sex, but I'd actively try to keep the lines of communication open.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? We plan on handling this like my ex-mil handled it but before the kids get sexually active (plus drop the formula). She took my ex-h out and picked up a box of condoms, formula, and diapers. When they got up to the counter she told him to pay for it. He didn't. Then she told him if he didn't have the money to buy these then he didn't need to be having sex. Having sex means being responsible for your actions. My ex-mil did buy them gave ex the condoms and donated the rest.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Not until they can legally move out and take care of the offspring.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? I think there is a balance here. I won't set them up for opportunities but I do think I can do this with respecting their privacy.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Yes we do talk about sex and Masturbation. My son is 10 and dh and I had a conversation around him about sex abstinence education. He asked questions. We brought up the values of masturbation, waiting till he is old enough to have job/s to support offspring, STD's, et.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I accept that they will have sex but I think it is our responsibility to teach them not to be sexually stupid. That having sex means behaving in a responsible fashion. This means I will teach them how they can be responcible (asking Dr/plan parenthood) for BC.


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## Coffee Mom (Dec 21, 2004)

It's funny because my friend feels exactly the way houdini feels, and I am 100% with Joan. It's hard being a parent ugh. My 16 yo has been with her bf for 2 yrs now, and she came to me about a yr ago for bc. My 14 yo has been with her bf for 6 months and she too is now on bc (both are on depo). I always explained to them that sex can be wonderful in the right situations and terrible in the wrong situations. They both have serious bf's and even though these relationships may not last, they are safely learning how to enjoy a sexual relationship. Yes i do buy their condoms and pay for their shots. In the beginning I never let my oldest have her bf sleep over here but that was due to having a younger daughter. They did however sleep together at his parents house on weekends. Once my youngest became active, I did let both bf's stay overnite with them here. At first it took some getting used to, but now it's a comfortable situation. Usually only one daughter has her bf over here while the other goes to the bf's house on weekends, makes it easier on me. For us it works good, and I know my daughters arent out in a parked car or somewhere else that kids do it these days. I think it's a learning experience for them, and I know they are safe and happy. I would never encourage a child to become sexually active, but once the horse is out of the barn, I think its important that they enjoy something that is a very natural part of life. Hugs, Jan


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I have an almost 14yo boy and here's what I think. He's not sexually active yet so I don't know for sure how I would respond.

*1. Pay for condoms or bc?* Not right away. I would give him information about where he can get that for free. If condoms are not easily accessible for free than I would probably get them for him. If he's having sex, he's going to have sex whether I want him to or not. At that point I'd rather he be protected.

*2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?* No

*3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?* I would not "watch them like a hawk" by hovering over them or always being where they are but I also would not give them such privacy as being alone in the bedroom with the door shut. Just as any other time in my son's life, I would want to know where he is, who he's with and what he's doing at all times for safety reasons.

*4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?* I have always been very open about sex. We've been discussing it since he was 3 or 4 years old, when he first started asking. I will continue that and listen to anything he wants to tell me even if I don't want to hear it.

*5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?* If my son decided to be active, I would accept it in the sense that I wouldn't freak out or get angry or try to punish or control him. I would, as I have always done, continue to talk to him about it so that it would always be fresh in his mind to be safe and responsible.

Before my son was 12 he would tell me that he was going to wait until he was married to have sex. Then one day last year he came to me and said that he's decided he is going to have sex before marriage but he will use a condom. Now he talks to me all the time about how much he wants to have sex. He has even asked me why he wants to have sex so bad since he hasn't actually done it.

I had sex at a very young age. My mother paid for my bcp and she let me have sex with my boyfriends in my bedroom. She gave me complete privacy. She never asked me anything about what I was doing, where I was or who I was with. I wish she hadn't done that. I wish she had taken the time and had the nerve or whatever it was to talk to me about it. I wish she had told me she loved me and that I was a worthwhile human being and didn't need to have sex to get people to like me. I may have still had sex but at least it would've been with different people and for better reasons.


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## Ahimsa (Apr 7, 2004)

I don't have a teen, but here are my thoughts...

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Yes, I would make it available. If I had a daughter I would set her up with a ob/gyn of her choice or that she felt comfortable with, so she could discuss bc and I would pay for it. If I had a son I would make sure he had condoms easily available to him. If they don't have easy access they probably won't use it.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Yes. This is the way I see it. If I had a daughter I would prefer to have a boy over then for them to do it elsewhere. If they are doing it at my house, a guy is going to be much more likely to respect my daughters boundries if it is happening in her space and her parents are downstairs. If my daughter is having sex I want it to be on her terms. So many teen girls are date raped or preasured into things too soon. I'd also like my son to feel comfortable bringing girls over. Teenagers are going to decide when they are ready for sex. I'd much rather them be in a comfortable safe place. Too many teenagers end up doing it at parties, while drunk or high, without protection.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Give them privacy. Like I said above if they don't feel like they have the space to do it at home then they'll find somewhere else.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Definitely keep an open dialog about sex. I want my kids to feel that they can trust me for honest advice or to confide in. Your child is more likely to be sexually preyed upon if you don't. Like some child molester on Oprah said "If you don't teach your child about sex, I will"

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? Accept, but also talk with them about their choices. Help them make sure it's what they really want to do. Also let them know just because they started having sex doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. Some kids decide after the fact that they're not ready, but keep doing it anytway because they're already done.

I am coming from my own experience as a teenager and not having parents that I could trust and turn to. I think I would have made different choices if I had had support, trust, and information. I know a person who won't tell her children her own experiences for fear their daughters will do the same. She had sex at fourteen and regretted it. I think telling her daughters that would helped them be more responsible. Consequently, her one daughter was date raped at 15-16 and the other is going on 14 and has an 18 yr old boyfriend that she doesn't know about. I mentioned once to her that her 13 yr old was a risk for being seduced sexually. she just kind of shugged it of and said that was scary, but it didn't really sink in. She tried to have the older girl lie to the younger about her date rape and say she was a virgin, but she's smarter than that and knew she was lying. I just don't get it and I am very concerned for the 13 yr old.

Ahimsa


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## edamommy (Apr 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coffee Mom*
It's funny because my friend feels exactly the way houdini feels, and I am 100% with Joan. It's hard being a parent ugh. My 16 yo has been with her bf for 2 yrs now, and she came to me about a yr ago for bc. My 14 yo has been with her bf for 6 months and she too is now on bc (both are on depo). I always explained to them that sex can be wonderful in the right situations and terrible in the wrong situations. They both have serious bf's and even though these relationships may not last, they are safely learning how to enjoy a sexual relationship. Yes i do buy their condoms and pay for their shots. In the beginning I never let my oldest have her bf sleep over here but that was due to having a younger daughter. They did however sleep together at his parents house on weekends. Once my youngest became active, I did let both bf's stay overnite with them here. At first it took some getting used to, but now it's a comfortable situation. Usually only one daughter has her bf over here while the other goes to the bf's house on weekends, makes it easier on me. For us it works good, and I know my daughters arent out in a parked car or somewhere else that kids do it these days. I think it's a learning experience for them, and I know they are safe and happy. I would never encourage a child to become sexually active, but once the horse is out of the barn, I think its important that they enjoy something that is a very natural part of life. Hugs, Jan










**I just want to bring up the depo comment. It's nasty stuff. Have you done a ton of research on it? I wouldn't give it to my worst enemy and blame some of my ongoing health issues with using it for just one year about 10 years ago! I shudder to think what it could do to a 14 year olds growing system!


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## LoveChild421 (Sep 10, 2004)

I have just turned 20 myself so I remember those teenage years very well and definately still relate to teens- I am an expectant mother (planned pregnancy) and I must say I already have a definate philosophy on what to do about sexual active teens-

First I think it is important to look at the 1) maturity of the teen 2) and the context of the sexual activity (is it within a love relationship or is it just that the teen is sleeping around with anyone and everyone)

I personally was sexually active as a teen. I never received any guidance or advice from my mother on how to be sexually active in a healthy way- I simply was rejecting the notion of "remaining a good little girl til marriage" and all that. My father and I finally began discussing sex as I got in my late teens and he helped me a lot- to see that sex is natural, not something you should do just to "feel good" or "fit in" but something that you do with someone you love and respect and who loves and respects you. I think most mature teens can develop healthy sexual relationships if given guidance and understanding. I know for me it would have been impossible to "just say no" because I don't believe you should repress natural urges- you should find *healthy* ways to express them.

That said, here are my answers:
1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Yes, I will provide my son with condoms and will offer to take any daughters I may have to the Dr. to get checked out yearly and get on birth control- which I would pay for. I feel that so often unplanned pregnancies and STD's are due to the fact that teens don't have easy access to condoms one reason being limited finances.
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? Yes, I know from my own experience that they WILL do it somewhere and I would much rather that be in my house where I know they are safe and have access to condoms that at a park or at a party or somewhere like that where they may not have ready access to condoms or might get arrested for indecent exposure
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? I think privacy is extremely important- around the age of 15 (depends on the maturity of the teen) you have to establish a relationship with your teen based on trust and respect for their own decisions which they have a right to make- otherwise they sneak around behind your back, don't ask your advice, and see you as a "warden" instead of a source of wisdom and understanding. This happened with my mom- I lied to her constantly because she felt she had the right to micro-manage my personal decisions. I mean at 18 if you and your child don't have mutual respect for each other there will be very little of a relationship left when he/she leaves home.
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? I intend to talk openly and honestly with them- bringing up the subject before they ask as most teens are uncomfortable asking about it or talking openly for fear of being scolded or hounded with questions. I want them to know they can ask me anything- nothing is taboo.
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I would accept it and also like it if I knew they were in a healthy monogamous relationship- I would accept it but try and offer guidance if I thought they were using sex in an unhealthy or self-destructive way.


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## bravofrenchie (Oct 15, 2004)

Another recent teen (21.)
*Pay for their condoms or bc?*
Yes. Or find where they can get them for free. Most women's clinics here provide bc, pap smears, ect. on a sliding scale, or free if you truly can't afford it. When I went in for my first pelvic exam at 18 (not sexually active yet), one of the nurses gave me a plastic shopping bag full of condoms.

*Allow them to sleep together at your house?*
Yes. My (now) MIL would allow my DH (then BF) and I to sleep together in his bed at night. And the funny thing is: we weren't even having sex for about the first six months of our relationship. We just slept next to each other. And this tells you how much she likes me: DH said that I was the first GF he's had that his mom would allow to spend the night in the house, let alone sleep in his room!
My mom's motto was, "If you're doing it, be careful. Be smart. And don't let your father know." Dad would have FREAKED if he knew we were sleeping together. But then, he was also the kind of guy who thought that I was going to hell for dabbling in neo-Paganism, and that my Mom should have no male friends whatsoever.

*Give them privacy or watch over them like a hawk?*
Privacy. We had that, anyway. MIL was a single mom, and she'd work from 2pm to about 10pm. So we had the whole house to ourselves in the evening.

*Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?*
Definatly communicate. The women in my family were not ones to tip-toe around sex, genitalia, periods, or any of that stuff. What they DID instill in me was a sense of pride. I didn't need to sleep with a guy to prove that I loved him. I did NOT have to sleep with him because "everybody else" was doing it. We were both 18, and virgins, until spring break of our senior year in high school. I had simply decided that, in order for a guy to have me, he needed to be an absolute prince, and a gentleman. DH was (and is) polite, kind, thoughtful, and chivalrus (sp?). Nothing less than perfect would have brought me into his bed. He's the only man I've ever slept with. And I have no regrets.

*Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?*
If you don't accept it, it WILL go underground. It WILL be sneaky, and without your knowledge. Kids can be very ingenious when it comes to stuff like this. Unless you literally lock them inside your house, never allowed to set foot outside, and you're ALWAYS there to watch them, they will find ways to do it.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bravofrenchie*
Yes. My (now) MIL would allow my DH (then BF) and I to sleep together in his bed at night. And the funny thing is: we weren't even having sex for about the first six months of our relationship. We just slept next to each other.

Hehe, we did that too. We shared a bed right from the first time I brought him home (two, three weeks into it maybe?) but we didn't have sex till we'd been going out for nine months!

What we got was the freedom to make our own decisions.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Okay, first let me say that my kids are just now entering the teen years. My son is 13, and my daughter is 11. (They are not sexually active) I also have a step-daughter that is almost 16 who doesn't live with me. Because of our limited contact with her we aren't entirely sure if she is sexually active or not. Okay I'll answer your questions now lol.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
Yes, I would. Absolutely. Also I would encourage health exams etc.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
Yes I would.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
Privacy of course. Privacy is respectful.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
Communicate for sure. We always have discussed sex openly, and we don't see that changing. They feel very comfortable talking about sex with us.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
I would accept the decision they have made, and not try to convince them otherwise. It simply is not my decision to make.


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## latinmom (Nov 20, 2001)

As the parent of a sexually active 17 yr. old girl, I'll chime in here.
Yes, we pay for the bc (bc pills). She is very responsible about taking it. Yes, we talk about it, not in excruciating detail, but enough. We don't allow her bf to sleep over (we have 4 yr old ds's, and that's more than I want them to see), but I know they use the house when I am not here (I work). She will be on her own in a year or so, so we are trying to teach her to be responsible, and that sex should be in the context of a relationship that involves emotions and responsiblity, not just pleasure or being used (sorry if that's not clear, I'm very tired). Being the parent of a teen is 1000 times harder than parenting an infant, believe me! Good luck to all of you!

Deb


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

nak

hmm, interesting thread...i am also a recent teen (23) with a 1 year old daughter of my own now. we haven't exactly figured out how we want to parent in this regard so i'll tell you a little bit about my own experience.

i met dh (rory) when we were both 13; we started dating in 8th grade. we had an unusual experience because my parents are divorced and weren't entirely in-synch about the rules regarding sexual activity. baisically my mom was very strict about us not having sex before marriage. no closed doors, no being home alone together, no overnight trips...she scared the crap out of me somehow and made me feel like if i had any sexual thoughts/feelings/behaviors i would be a disappointment to her. she told me i could talk to her about anything but i felt totally "wrong" in my urges for rory so of course i never did talk to her. i developed major unfounded anxiety about getting pregnant from things like heavy petting, etc.







: i actually would obsess so much about this that i'd screw up my cycle and make myself late which just reinforced my belief that i was pregnant! when, at 21, my HUSBAND and i found ourselves pregnant, my initial reaction was to freak out and be nervous that my mom would be mad at me. ridiculous...old habits die hard i suppose.

at my dad's house it was another story...we could be alone with the door close, etc. this wasn't great either. hormones are very powerful things and i don't think that at 13,14,15 i was capable of putting the brakes on, even if i wanted to. this meant, things moved too quickly and we'd wind up regretting it. now, we were in a committed relationship...but at times i wished i'd had some "rules" there to slow us down. we certainly weren't always ready for the consequences of our emotions and actions.

we did manage to wait until we were almost 19 to actually have sex and i'm really glad that we waited that long. the time was right and we knew it.

take age and maturity into consideration, in my experience at least there is a huge difference between a sexually active 14 year old and a sexually active 17 year old...even in a committed relationship. i guess my only advice is to give your kids their freedom but to give them some boundaries too...they may want them. it's easy to feel pressured by your hormones, even in loving and committed relationships.

hth someone...


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *edamommy*
**I just want to bring up the depo comment. It's nasty stuff. Have you done a ton of research on it? I wouldn't give it to my worst enemy and blame some of my ongoing health issues with using it for just one year about 10 years ago! I shudder to think what it could do to a 14 year olds growing system!

I just wanted to chime in here, echoing this warning. Depo is super-nasty. I also have 2 friends who have had problems from starting birth control really early. In one case, her parents thought they were being cool and supportive by getting her Norplant when she was 14 - big mistake, and she had to have it removed after just a couple months. In the other case, my friend's mom dragged her to the dr to get the pill when she was only 12 or 13 - lots of other icky abusive stuff going on there, but starting the pill so early may have permanently damaged her repro system. I think we all know BC is crazy serious stuff, so hopefully this warning is unnecessary and people here would be a lot more cautious than these parents were.

That said, I think I will provide condoms for my ds. If he is sexually active w/ a woman, I will provide bc. (I strongly believe bc should not just be the woman's responsibility.) Of course I plan to have tons of open communication about sex before he becomes sexually active. I will give him privacy; I don't know if I would feel comfortable w/ him doing it in my house while I"m home, tho. But that is a loooooooooooooong way away.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I have a 15 year old dd, that isn't active at this point.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

I absolutely would and in fact we have discussed it. She says she doesn't need it now.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

I would.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

I would give them privacy.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

We have talked about everything and are very open.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I am completely open to her being sexually active when she is ready and we do not promote abstinance in our home. My main point is don't do anything you don't want to do.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

ITA about the warnings about hormonal bc and teenage girls. I have repro problems that I strongly believe were caused by starting bcp at 13 and/or having a Norplant. I had major emotional side effects from the bcp as well. I will never take any kind of hormonal bc again and I would never supply it to my teenage daughter or son, for that matter.


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

Ok- just to throw another twist to the situation- don't assume your teens are heterosexual. When my son was about 14, I had some concerns about what was going on with his sleep over guests (male and female). So I decided condoms in the bathroom were a good idea for whomever needed them. I also decided that I would trust the education and good sense I had given him and not hover. I wasn't going to have one set of rules for friends he might sleep with and another set of rules for friends that were just friends- male or female.

I just continued to be open and available and treat him with as much respect as I expect him to treat me. So- now that he is 20, I feel I have done a pretty good job. The best thing is that so far, I have really liked the women he has had relationships with and the relationships seem really healthy. I don't want him being a unmarried father in his early 20s like his father and neither does he.


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? *Yes.*
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? *No, I don't think I could allow that.*
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? *Not too much privacy. I remember when I was younger and what I did when I had privacy. :LOL*
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? *Communicate - often, honest, and openly.*
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? *It would depend on the situation. If they are being safe, if they are mature enough, the person they are with, etc. They are young now, and now I do tell them that it should be with someone special, and that I feel it's best to wait for a commitment.*


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MsMoMpls*
don't assume your teens are heterosexual. .


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MsMoMpls*
Ok- just to throw another twist to the situation- don't assume your teens are heterosexual.

I totally agree! My daughter has expressed that she feels "attracted" to both genders equally at this point.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I have a question. Do you think there are different rules for girls vs. boys? For example, I would expect my son to be responsible for a baby if a girl he was having sex with got pg, and he says he would be, but many parents do not. It's much easier for a boy to walk away from a pg than a girl, iykwim. Also, there seems to be an emotional aspect attached to sex for females that many males just don't get, which makes it easier for a girl to get hurt or be used than a boy. So would you give your daughter the same or less privacy than your son? Like the PP who said she'd allow her dd to have sex with her boyfriend in her home because then the boy would respect her dd more and her dd would be in control of the situation, so to speak. Would the same apply to a son if you had one?


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## LoveChild421 (Sep 10, 2004)

I would treat sons and daughters the same. I know a lot of parents who let boys have girls over and have privacy but their girls aren't allowed to have boys over without supervision or what not. It creates problems when you treat them differently- basically sending the message to girls that it's ok and acceptable for boys to do what they please but girls have to be sneaky or aren't entitled to their sexuality.

I also think it's a good point to not assume your kids are heterosexual. I hadn't really given that much thought but I would still support my kids and let them do what they wanted, offering guidance and support and not "rules" that force behavior underground.


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## anonymommy (Aug 13, 2004)

I'm shocked at some of the answers here ... I am not religious but I do NOT view sex in these teenage relationships as "healthy" ... We BOND with our sex partner, and having these bonds break is very painful and we do not emerge in the same place we went in. I was not a virgin when I married, and I do see the benefit of not having been a freak virgin into my mid-20s (given my social circle); but I do wish my bond with my husband had been the first or one of the first such pair bonds of my life.

I will make it absolutely clear to my teenagers that I will not tolerate serious sexual behavior in them before they are independent. This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them, the same way I would not tolerate them getting drunk. If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault. If they leave my house an alcoholic, that's my fault. If these things happen when they are old enough to have made their own path, well, that's what letting go is about.

I will not let go of my babies at 12, 14, 16.


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anonymommy*
This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them, the same way I would not tolerate them getting drunk. If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault.

That is the sentiment I couldn't put into words when speaking about my own experience. After thinking on this a while longer...I think the word _protect_ is what people are getting hung up on. What should kids be _protected_ from? I don't have an answer to this, only my own experience with it. Again mamas, thanks for making me think about this issue long before I have to actually deal with it!


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anonymommy*
...We BOND with our sex partner, and having these bonds break is very painful and we do not emerge in the same place we went in.

Sometimes we bond, sometimes we don't. Breakups can be painful, whether or not they're sexual. I believe every experience changes us--that's life.

Quote:

.. This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them...If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault.
I don't see other people, my kids included, as being in my control to begin with. I certainly don't want to see harm come to my kids, but I also don't believe that I can protect them from everything--my goal is to be there for them, offer advice and information, support, etc. I think their hearts will likely get broken at some point, and it won't be any more or less painful if it happens at 18 or at 53. As for feeling cheap about their bodies, I don't think that comes from having sex at any particular age--it comes from feeling powerless over their own bodies.[/QUOTE]

Quote:

If they leave my house an alcoholic, that's my fault. If these things happen when they are old enough to have made their own path, well, that's what letting go is about.
I will not let go of my babies at 12, 14, 16.
What is the age then, that you feel is *right* to let them make their own decisions? If they're not old enough to make their own path at, say, the age of 18, but they are at 19, what's happened in that year that makes it all okay?


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## Chanley (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anonymommy*
If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault.

Hmm...that is assuming you feel cheap after the end of a loving relationship. I believe that teenagers are completely capable of breaking off relationships w/o being broken or feeling cheap. I guess it is my goal that they leave my house feeling sexually empowered to make rational decisions about sex.

I do not believe parents have as much control over teens as they might think they do. You really dont. You can take things away and you can forbade them to do things but in the end, by the time they are teens, the groundwork has been laid. This is the reason I am working so hard now. I believe that healthy sexuality begins in infancy and is carried into the teen years.

I asked my Dh about these questions this morning after we made love and nearly got busted by the four year old. We both agreed that before we make any sweeping generalizations, we would wait until we had teens. He also feels it will be different for our children because we do not shame or scandalize sex. It is sacred and joyful.

Ohh and annonymommy, alcoholism is not a fault. It is a disease, most often hereditary. I just hope that you never have to deal with it in your close family. I have and I can tell you, it was not the parents fault, they were/are amazing. It was a family predisposition and a few other personality traits.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

i don't even like to think about my precious biscuit having sex someday...ack. she's only 2.5 now, so i have no clue how we'll actually approach it, but here's what i'd like to be able to say we'll do. dh is on the same page with me on this, btw.
1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
yes, absolutely. i hope to have a female physician that my daughter likes and trusts by then too, so she feels like she can discuss issues with a doctor without me, if need be.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
ooooo. dang. that's really tough. i would say no way, but then, where would they go? i would maybe just leave them alone and cross my fingers they're just talking. and knock before i enter. ack.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
yes, give them privacy. everyone needs & deserves privacy.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
talk talk talk talk.
yes, communicate. a lot. positively.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

i'd accept it totally, and support them, as long as they're taking care of themselves and are happy.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anonymommy*
I will make it absolutely clear to my teenagers that I will not tolerate serious sexual behavior in them before they are independent. This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them, the same way I would not tolerate them getting drunk. If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault. If they leave my house an alcoholic, that's my fault. If these things happen when they are old enough to have made their own path, well, that's what letting go is about.

I will not let go of my babies at 12, 14, 16.

The problem is, though, that if they're already having sex, and you approach them with this attitude, you will alienate them and potentially make the situation worse. Of course I don't want my children having sex until they are adults (which I consider 20+), but I'm also realistic. Even kids from loving, protective families can start having sex very early. Is a 15 year old girl who really likes sex "cheap?" Yes her heart might end up broken, but she could end up being the one breaking hearts too. Some teens are extremely sexually savvy and mature and are well aware of the emotional perils involved, and are willing to try to handle them.

I don't like it either, but having a controlling attitude about sex and your kids could backfire badly.

My kids are still pretty young, but I think if you don't want your kids to be sexualy active, you have to put the emphasis on their not starting, because once they've started, they won't stop. This means having a warm, respectful relationship, respecting their decision making skills and growing autonomy.

Homeschooling is a wonderful choice to make if you are worried about your kids becoming prematurely sexualized, because peer school groups are a fast incubator for sexualizing children. A homeschooled child doesn't have to deal with all the sexualized socialization so common in school, and studies have been done that show homeschooled teenage girls have higher self esteem and are less likely to view themselves in terms of their "sexiness" for lack of a better term.

But no matter what you do, your teen could end up being sexual, and once that happens, there's not much you can do to stop it that will not turn him or her against you.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife*
I have a question. Do you think there are different rules for girls vs. boys? For example, I would expect my son to be responsible for a baby if a girl he was having sex with got pg, and he says he would be, but many parents do not. It's much easier for a boy to walk away from a pg than a girl, iykwim. Also, there seems to be an emotional aspect attached to sex for females that many males just don't get, which makes it easier for a girl to get hurt or be used than a boy. So would you give your daughter the same or less privacy than your son? Like the PP who said she'd allow her dd to have sex with her boyfriend in her home because then the boy would respect her dd more and her dd would be in control of the situation, so to speak. Would the same apply to a son if you had one?

We have treated sexuality the same regarding gender. We have discussed how there are some people who treat sex irresponsibly and use it as a tool to hurt others, and we have expressed that those people can be male or female. We would allow our son and daughter the same amount/kind of privacy. We have taught our son that being a parent is a big deal (the biggest of deals really. You are responsible for another human being...) and that should he get a girl pregnant he would need to be there to support the child if the girl decided to continue the pregnancy.

I feel like my kids have a unique or more personal look into how irresponsible sex can affect a person's life because I have been open about my earliest sexual experiences with them. They know all about me getting pregnant with Ds when I was 14, and having Dd at 17. They know about the financial issues, the tough choices I faced, and the burden of teenage single parenting. They've heard about my bad relationship decisions, and how I learned my lessons the hardest way one can learn them. I feel really good about sharing this with them in the hopes that their sexual experiences and the relationships in which they have them will be safe, happy, and healthy... even if it should be in their teens


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anonymommy*
I will make it absolutely clear to my teenagers that I will not tolerate serious sexual behavior in them before they are independent. This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them, the same way I would not tolerate them getting drunk.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I used to think that way too, but I had to change my view because of my own past. I was brought up to believe that you must be a virgin when you are married. My parents wouldn't even talk about sex. I remember one night when I had a friend sleep over we asked my mother what sex was. Of course we already knew, but we wanted to see what she would say. :LOL She wouldn't say anything. We told her we already knew and then she made us tell HER what it was.







That was my sex talk. :LOL Anyway, my point is, even being brought up being taught that you should wait until you are married didn't stop me. I was 2 weeks shy of my 16th birthday when I first had sex. I was pressured and I gave in. It made me see that no matter what *I* think my kids should do with their bodies, they are going to do what they want to do anyway, and it's my job to make sure they are educated about it. Educated about pregnancy, safe sex, birth control, etc. I will always tell them that I'd rather they wait, and tell them my reasons, but I will also let them know that if/when they are ready they can come to me to talk about it and for birth control because I know no matter what I say the decision is their's to make and they may make a different one then I'd like them to.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meowee*
I don't like it either, but having a controlling attitude about sex and your kids could backfire badly.

My kids are still pretty young, but I think if you don't want your kids to be sexualy active, you have to put the emphasis on their not starting, because once they've started, they won't stop. This means having a warm, respectful relationship, respecting their decision making skills and growing autonomy.

 Very well said! I don't think any parent has a goal or hope of their young teen having sex. However the reality is that it does happen, and it happens alot. How we treat sex from the get go is what matters. What emotions are we conveying about sex in the way we talk, and act. Do we treat nudity as natural and normal (generally speaking I mean)? Are we secretive and bumbling when the 5 year old asks about sex, or are we open and matter of fact? Do we freak if the kids are watching a love scene in a movie, or do we use that as an opportunity to discuss such things? See what I mean?

And how we treat things that are much more subtle than sex matters too. Like teaching about how their bodies are their own, and encouraging and guiding them in making healthy choices regarding them. I think the attitudes we want our kids to have when they start having sex can start with the earliest of things, including them making decisions about the clothes they like, and how to wear their own hair. Confidence and being comfortable with making decisions about their own bodies is good to have when they start to act on their sexual feelings.

Anyway, my point is that yes I doubt any parent really *wants* their teens (particularly the younger ones) to be sexually active...but that isn't the point. The point is that if they are having sex you can't really stop them without really dorking things up big time. What are you going to do watch them every single minute? Require your 18 year old to check in with you on the half hour, and list who they are with? Refuse to supply a condom in the hopes that your refusal will discourage sex (LOL) That's not going to help, unless things have totally changed since I was a teen.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Bash me, but I do think we would be better served if we accept that not all sex is about love. Sex can be for just pleasure with no emotional attachment to it.

This goes into being sexually responsible. Accepting that some people have more of their heart into than you/child might. Respecting and backing off in relationships you don't want to commit to.

I also think this is were you benefit in teaching your children when you want/need this pleasure that is what masturbation is for.

IT IS NOT responsible to having different sex partner each weekend.

It is not responsible to mess with peoples hearts.

Also, I do not understand why people think 13, 14, 15, 16 year olds cannot feel love. I think they do!! I think it is very real. This doesn't mean the relationship will last till death do you part but I think it is very real. I know 40, 50, and 60 year olds that cannot make their love relationships last more than a year.


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Marsupial, ITA w/ your whole post.


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## SabrinaJL (Apr 9, 2004)

Interesting discussion. My DD is only 10 (will be 11 next month) so I haven't had to worry about it with her yet, but we are raising my younger brother who is now 17. I can say what we do with him (which will probably be the same thing we'll do with DD).

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? Yes, we do. We know we can't stop him from doing it so we want him to be safe.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? No, I'm just not comfortable with it.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Somewhere in the middle. They are allowed to hang out in his room but the door has to be open and I or DH will stop in to say hi sometimes.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Yes, we talk to him a lot about it. To DD too.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I accept it, but I do try to convince him to be more careful about it.

I'm coming from the perspective of being a teenage mom here (had DD at 16) so I know what can happen. I'm not all about "wait until marriage" and all that (not religious). I know that teenagers CAN be in loving committed serious relationships. I was 15 and DH was 17 when we started seeing each other. We'll have been together 12 years this coming Saturday.

But I DO want them to wait until they are mature enough to handle the potential consequences of having sex. Also, preferably that they be in a committed relationship.

That's my biggest beef with my brother. He pretty much sleeps with whomever is willing. And no matter how much I talk to him about STD's and teen pregnancy, he doesn't seem to be inclined to change.

The reason I don't give them complete privacy is because I got pregnant at my DH's parents house. While they were downstairs. They gave us complete privacy. And while I know he's going to do it and I can't stop it, I'm not going to make it easy for him.


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SabrinaJL*
We'll have been together 12 years this coming Saturday.

Happy Anniversary!!
















Quote:


That's my biggest beef with my brother. He pretty much sleeps with whomever is willing. And no matter how much I talk to him about STD's and teen pregnancy, he doesn't seem to be inclined to change.
I have a friend like this. I'm always warning him about STDs, but he thinks it will never happen to him.







He's one of those that thinks you can tell someone is clean by their personality and the way they look.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Dd will be 10 in February. Ds is 5.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? I'd rather not. It just seems like condoning it. But, safety issues may weigh out.
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?No. It's beautiful, it's natural, it's also the highest form of sexual expression (I think). They can "enjoy themselves" (masturbation) and I won't be squashing their sexuality. They can wait till they're on their own.
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? "Watch over them like a hawk" is the wrong sentiment. They are humans deserving of respect and therefore privacy. But ultimately I want my kids to put off having sex as long as possible. The older they are before they get intimate, the better the chance it will be a positive experience. I will discourage situations that can lead to temptation. I think I can do this in a positive way. I don't think a parent has to be antagonistic to get the message across that you expect your teen to wait. You can even be positive and loving about it!
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? Does anybody here at mdc actually not talk with their kids about sex? I know there are still plenty of parents who can't bring themselves to talk to their kids about sex when they're younger, then have the gall to get angry when their kids don't want to talk to them about sex when they are teens. But that doesn't really seem to fit with the natural family living philosophy.
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? I think this depends on circumstances. Is there a large age disparity between my child and her/his partner? I would object if my 17 y.o. child were having sex with, say, a 19 y.o. Or if my highschooler was having sex with a college age person.

It would depend upon the age of my child. I think there's a difference between a 14 y.o. and a 16 y.o.

Yes, if my 14 y.o. child was having sex with an 18 y.o., I'd do everything I could to put a stop to it. That 18 y.o. is taking advantage of my 14 y.o. and I'd wonder why he or she can't find somebody his/her own age.

It also depends on the child. Some teens are simply more self disciplined, more self assured and careful than others are. I could not have handled a sexual relationship when I was 14. Thank goodness no one was interested in me yet! :LOL

Am I going to flip out about it like it's portrayed on tv? No, but I will be disappointed and nervous for my child, no doubt.

Jmo, if you are trying to "control" your child's behavior when he or she is an older teen, you are setting you both up for failure. This is a gradual process, so that when your child wakes up on his 18th birth day he's not suddenly faced with responsibilities he's never had to deal with before. Yes, you control your small child, yes you are legally responsible for your child's actions all the way up till he's 18 y.o., but imo you are supposed to be gradually giving him more and more autonomy every year.

I dunno. It's kind of analogous to my experience with college, in my head. My mom expected all us kids to go to college, like some parents expect their kids to not have sex until they are married. Well, I farted around at the community college for a couple of years trying to fit in and succeed. I finally gave up and quit. While I felt like a weight was lifted from me, it was obvious I had disappointed my mom soooo much. It really hurt.







Her love/respect/esteem for me was conditional upon graduating from college. I hope I can put my own thoughts aside if my child decides to do something I disapprove of. I like to think my love is unconditional.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom*
Yes, if my 14 y.o. child was having sex with an 18 y.o., I'd do everything I could to put a stop to it. That 18 y.o. is taking advantage of my 14 y.o. and I'd wonder why he or she can't find somebody his/her own age.

In many, if not all, states this is considered statutory rape so there would probably be a lot you could do about it. I would also be very concerned about an 18yo with a 14yo. I believe there is generally a huge difference in maturity level between these ages. From my own personal experience, I believe there is enogh of a difference in maturity level between a 16yo and a 14yo that I would not want my 14yo sexually involved with a 16yo.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife*
I had sex at a very young age. My mother paid for my bcp and she let me have sex with my boyfriends in my bedroom. She gave me complete privacy. She never asked me anything about what I was doing, where I was or who I was with. I wish she hadn't done that. I wish she had taken the time and had the nerve or whatever it was to talk to me about it. I wish she had told me she loved me and that I was a worthwhile human being and didn't need to have sex to get people to like me. I may have still had sex but at least it would've been with different people and for better reasons.

I see this as one of the scarier things to navigate with my child as he grows older. As a teenager, I felt like my mom would condemn me for wanting to fool around, and that I couldn't talk with her about things. She definitely invaded my privacy and embarassed me. But I knew a lot of people who had an experience more like the one that MarineWife describes. How do you let your teenager grow up into an independent person who makes these kinds of private decisions for himself or herself, but also not let them feel pressured into inappropriate or abusive sexual situations?

I just don't know.

I guess I would want to make sure there was a lot of information about contraception and sexuality in general around my house, and I would not feel comfortable with my child engaging in sexual behavior where I had to know about it when they were underage. If you give the child an allowance then they can use that toward contraceptives, so yes I would pay for it. That's a big contradiction, isn't it. Good thing I have a lot of time to figure this out!


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Depending on the states laws a 14 year old and 18 year old might still be protected under "Romeo and Julet" laws.

I could not say absolutely NO to this age difference. I would have to take age differences case by case. I recently ran into highschool class mates that were 4 years apart. The met in band in the drum line they have been together for around 15 years.

I am not ready to set absolutes on things like this because of so many variables. My son is 3.5 years older than his sister. This could mean one of his "long term" friends could want to date his my oldest daughter.

Some 14 year old girls are so much more mature than their counter parts. If you have a developmentally "slower" boy a 14 year old girl and 16 year old boy might be a compatable relationship.


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## liberalmom (Jan 25, 2005)

I am 23 and a mother of a 7 year old. I was 16 when i had my daughter. I will give you a little inside information. If a kid is going to have sex they are going to have sex. There is nothing my parents could have said to stop me. For me my daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me but for most kids my age it would just be trouble. My suggestion would be talk to your kids if they are thinking about having sex give them every oppertunity to protect them selves. I know this is a very touchy subject for most but if they are going to do it make it safe for them. You want your kids to wear a seatbelt when in the car. Why not condems and birth contol when they are having sex.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

When I was 16 I began a long term relationship with a 22 year old. I don't regret any of it.

As for this question : How do you let your teenager grow up into an independent person who makes these kinds of private decisions for himself or herself, but also not let them feel pressured into inappropriate or abusive sexual situations?

It starts with letting them have their own voice. In listening to them, taking what they say seriously, long before they become teens. With my own dd that is what I've done. Now, she tells me that she doesn't feel ready to drive a car at 16 and doesn't just go along with her friends. She is able to stand up for herself and to voice her opinion about things. You can't control everything about your childs life and then toss them out on their own at 18 and expect them to be prepared. They have to know who they are, seperate from family. We don't agree about everything, but she sure as heck knows who she is and doesn't compromise herself for the sake of others. Empowerment is extremely important IMO.


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## Ahimsa (Apr 7, 2004)

I agree with everything Arduinna, Marsupialmom, and UnschoolnMa have said.

Regarding age, personally, I've always had to be with guys a least a few years older to match my maturity level. Including when I was a teen. You cannot look at age alone.

Ahimsa


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna*
When I was 16 I began a long term relationship with a 22 year old. I don't regret any of it.

As for this question : How do you let your teenager grow up into an independent person who makes these kinds of private decisions for himself or herself, but also not let them feel pressured into inappropriate or abusive sexual situations?

It starts with letting them have their own voice. In listening to them, taking what they say seriously, long before they become teens. With my own dd that is what I've done. Now, she tells me that she doesn't feel ready to drive a car at 16 and doesn't just go along with her friends. She is able to stand up for herself and to voice her opinion about things. You can't control everything about your childs life and then toss them out on their own at 18 and expect them to be prepared. They have to know who they are, seperate from family. We don't agree about everything, but she sure as heck knows who she is and doesn't compromise herself for the sake of others. Empowerment is extremely important IMO.


Arduinna, you are an awesome Mama!







I can only hope that I am half as good with my kids with this kind of stuff as you are.

About the age thing..... I was 15 and my boyfriend was 22 when I first had sex. Because of my experience I don't think I could allow my kids to date someone that much older then them unless they were very mature themselves. But that's putting my experiences on them and that's not good is it? So, Arduinna, how do you handle this? Would you tell them of your experiences, but let it be their choice or what? I can tell you've done such a great job with your daughter that I trust your advise so please advise.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain optimism*
How do you let your teenager grow up into an independent person who makes these kinds of private decisions for himself or herself, but also not let them feel pressured into inappropriate or abusive sexual situations?

I guess I would want to make sure there was a lot of information about contraception and sexuality in general around my house,

Based on my personal experience, I think you need to have open communication not just about the physical act of sex, contraception and STDs but you also need to talk about the emotional and psychological aspects of relationships. I had plenty of information about my body, male bodies, sex and reproduction. What I did not get was discussion and guidance about feelings and self-worth and other people's intentions.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Thanks AnnMarie, my dd currently isn't dating. She has a very mixed age group of friends (she is homeschooled) and she just isn't interested in any of them in that way, yet. So I haven't had to deal with it at this point. I don't have a problem discussing my past with her. Living together and sex before marriage are not things that she has been sheltered from. My mom (her grandma) lived with her husband for almost 20 years before they got married, and she knows that I wasn't married when I had her by choice and my sister also has had more than one live in lover.

How would I handle an age difference? I don't know for sure, since I haven't been there. My biggest concern and the thing that I stress with her, is not doing anything you don't want to do.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I have another question. For those of you who have said you would allow your teen to have sex in your home, would you require the knowledge and consent of the other child's parents? Oh, I forgot to add, why or why not?


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

No I probably wouldn't require the other parents consent.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

What a great thread.

Nope, I don't think I would get consent from the other teens parent either. They are not my child, and I guess I kind of see that sort of thing as between the other teen and their parent... not me. I have trouble picturing how that would even work. In short, I feel what kind of communication the other teen does or doesn't have with their parent isn't my business. My focus would be on things being open and healthy with my teen so that they can make decisions they feel good about.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

I wouldn't ask for the other parent's consent either. Like unschoolnma said, that's between the teen and his/her parent. Personally, I think the only consent that matters is from the parties having sex.

But that raises another question. If you *know* that the other teen's parent does not want them to have sex, what do you do about it at your house? I wouldn't want to be in the position of playing policeman--I think I'd have to let the other parent know that. And of course, my teen is sometimes home alone, so how in the world could you enforce that even if you wanted to?

As to age differences, my first experience was at 16 with a 21 yr old. I was in love. It hurt when we broke up, but that would have been true regardless of our ages. My parents were violently against this relationship--they explained the age difference was too great, that I was too young, that they'd expected me to wait until I was married. They put all kinds of restrictions on me, thinking they'd know my every move, but the more restrictions they put on me, the more clever I became at overcoming them. I never had sex in my parents' house--we used a friend's apartment, a car, the park, the woods. My relationship with my parents during this time (years!) was absolutely horrid. We NEVER spoke about relationships--the emotional aspects--it was all about forbidding sex and controlling my actions. I knew this wasn't right at the time, and I still know it. I want my kids to know that they have control over their own bodies and only they get to decide when to have sex. I doesn't matter to me if they're married or not or in a long-standing relationship or not. I don't care if their relationships are heterosexual or homosexual. What matters is that THEY feel it's right at that time and that they're acting respectfully towards their partner.


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joan*
But that raises another question. If you *know* that the other teen's parent does not want them to have sex, what do you do about it at your house?


I let them know that because the other parent does not want them having sex in my home that they aren't allowed to, but I wouldn't watch over them anymore than I already would, which I would do from time to time with my own children anyway.


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## emblmrgrl (Jul 21, 2004)

I just have to jump in here and say how much I've enjoyed reading all the thoughts from you wise women. This thread came at a good time for me as I've been dealing with some issues with my DD this past week. She's only 8, about to be 9 and has been around some girls at school whose knowledge of things has left me baffled. Just this week I learned that one of these girls offered to perform oral sex on her 'boyfriend' and was sent to the office. My DD didn't hear that particular conversation but it's made me question if I'm not behind in where we are with our talking about sex. I certainly thought I had a little time before we discussed oral sex. Much of our talking has centered around reproduction as I thought trying to detail the emotional implications would be over her head and could wait a year or two.

Anyway, just wanted to say what a great thread. It's certainly making me think about what work needs to be done now!


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## cresorchid (Nov 14, 2004)

Wow. This has been great to read. It has really made me think some things through.

Would I provide condoms or bc? Absolutely. In fact, regardless of the gender I would provide condoms because I am MUCH more afraid of disease transmission than pregnancy.

Would I give them privacy? Yes.

Would I let them have their partner sleep over?

No. It would make me uncomfortable. And for the record, as a single parent, I have been very discreet and never put my son in the position of having to see my partners sleeping over either. I either spend time at the current partner's home or find times when my son is out of the house.

I would like to talk more openly about sex with my son who is 16. He does not want to talk about sex to me. Embarrassment, mostly. Of course, he isn't dating anyone right now and I homeschool him so am more aware of who his friends are anyway.

In fact, the only girls he is really good friends with and sees regularly with or without supervision are the daughters of the top perinatologist in town. So I know that they ALL know how to keep themselves safe.


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## enkmom (Aug 30, 2004)

I have had occasion to seriously think about this recently. My 15 y/o dd recently ended an 8month long relationship. They loved each other, treated each other with kindness and respect, and were and are the best of friends. If they had chosen to have a sexual relationship, I would not have been surprised.

I would absolutely pay for condoms for both my daugher and my 14 y/o son, and would also provide an additional method of bc for my daughter. I give them each reasonable amounts of privacy while they have friends over, but I'm not sure I would be comfortable allowing them to have sex here in our home with my knowledge. Maybe it would depend on their choice or partner, I'm just not sure. The lines of communication are ALWAYS open at this house- they can and do ask me anything, and know that I will always consider their opinions.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Joan*
But that raises another question. If you *know* that the other teen's parent does not want them to have sex, what do you do about it at your house?

This is the type of situation I was thinking of, sort of. The only difference being that I don't think I'd necessarily have to know that the other parents don't want their teen having sex to make a reasonable assumption that that is how they feel. I would not feel comfortable going against another parent's wishes by allowing their child to have sex in my home with my knowledge and consent. However, I, too, would not play policeman with these kids. The best the thing to do, imo, would be to talk to the other parents about the situation. The problem with that, though, is that I'm not sure it would be a rational conversation given most people's uptightness about sex.


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## Mamame (Sep 21, 2004)

Don't post here much but do lurk but MUST answer this!

*1. Pay for their condoms or bc?* Nope. Condoms are NOT fool-proof. They have a failure rate of 10-36% failure rate for pregnancy and viruses are WAY smaller than a sperm so the risks are much higher to get a virus than to get pregnant. Pregnancy is survivable - AIDS or other diseases are not. Also, condoms do not prevent human papillomavirus, chlamydia, herpes, and syphilis since these are not only passed to each other via penile/vaginal penetration but genital contact.

*2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?* No. Would I allow them to do drugs in my home so that they won't be doing it on a street corner? No.

*3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?* Watch them like a hawk. That's what parents do!

*4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?* Absolutely communicate not only our 'no' but our 'why' behind it. Both my girls have great heads on their shoulders and have no desire to have sex before marriage right now (they are 12 and almost 15). My oldest doesn't even want to date yet because she knows how tempting it is to be serious with a guy and she's not ready yet.

*5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?* I would want my daughters to be open with me and let me know what they're doing and I would do my best to continue to educate them on the risks that they are taking.

Just know: 56 million Americans have STDs - that's one in 5. 25% of students will graduate from high school with an STD, some of which could kill them or make them sterile. Condoms do NOT protect you from the most common STDs out there and it's just not worth it. I give our kids more credit than saying that they can't control themselves and we need to just toss some rubber at them. They DO have choices, they DO have self-control but they NEED TO KNOW THE FACTS!!!

Ann


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

I am trying to remember how I paid for mine in high school. Think I used babysitting money. I got pills from Planned Parenthood. I never really thought about asking for money for that - it was private and my responsibility. But I actually plan to buy a box of condoms at Costco, leave them in the girls' bathroom and tell them to use them as needed. If the supply got low, I'd assume they'd buy more just so I wouldn't be privy to their personal business but if they didn't (buy more), I would.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

I don't know if "allow" is a word I'd use - it kinds of infers stuff I'm not sure about. I do think that sex in your own bed is much better, safer, less vulnerable feeling than in a car or outside or wherever. I'd much rather they be in one of their beds (my house or his - same diff) but I'm not sure I need to know about it. That just seems weird to me. It is private. I don't plan to tell my teens when I'll be having sex; likewise I don't want to know when they are. I really feel totally ok with them doing it - I just think it is private and the word allow seems to say "I know, I am in on this decision" and I don't think that I am part of someone else's decisions about things like that.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

Oh good, an easy one.







Privacy definitely. Watching like a hawk is no match for teenage hormones. They find a way - you are not with them 24/7... I just don't like what it implys if I watch them like a hawk - I don't trust you; you cannot make a good decision without me; you're not safe if I'm not watching you; sex is wrong, etc.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

I plan to talk to them (they are now 8, 4 and 1 - my friends with teens think I may change my tune when it is a realistic time frame) but I'll be fairly uncomfortable I'm sure as my parents never talked to me about sex.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I think I'll totally accept it. I really believe there is no stopping teenage hormones and really, why would you want to? Wasn't that just the most wonderful time?? I hope my daughters all value themselves and choose to be with boys who respect them - as long as that happens, I am fine with it. Did I make some poor choices as a teen - sure. Did I learn SO MUCH from them - absolutely! If I could go back, there are a couple of decisions I'd make differently but none of them had a serious negative impact on me - they were learning experiences.


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## Coffee Mom (Dec 21, 2004)

Thanks everyone for all the great responses. It's nice to see so many that support my decision, and even the differing comments were good too. Just a couple points about how it works here. Before I let my 14 yo daughter's bf start staying over, I did have a long conversation with his mother, making sure it was ok with her. I really didn't want him to be going behind her back, and she appreciated that. My oldest daughter's bf was of age so I didnt think it was necessary to get his parents permission although it turned out they were fine with it anyway. Both my girls are in loving relationships and realize that sex is nothing to be ashamed of and something that is wonderful to share with a committed partner. They both do well in school, are not into drugs, make good choices, and are well liked by their friends and teachers. Like i said earlier, it was a little awkward at first but now we laugh about it. So, if anyone has to deal with this situation, just relax and accept that your kids are growing up albeit maybe sooner than you'd hoped. Hugs, Jan


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Wow, Jan! That's great. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job relating to your children. It's encouraging for me to read that you were able to discuss these things with another child's mother without her freaking out.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *anonymommy*
I'm shocked at some of the answers here ... I am not religious but I do NOT view sex in these teenage relationships as "healthy" ... We BOND with our sex partner, and having these bonds break is very painful and we do not emerge in the same place we went in. I was not a virgin when I married, and I do see the benefit of not having been a freak virgin into my mid-20s (given my social circle); but I do wish my bond with my husband had been the first or one of the first such pair bonds of my life.

I will make it absolutely clear to my teenagers that I will not tolerate serious sexual behavior in them before they are independent. This is because until they are out of my control, I am responsible to protect them, the same way I would not tolerate them getting drunk. If they leave my house at 18 with a heart that's been broken and feeling cheap about their bodies, that's my fault. If they leave my house an alcoholic, that's my fault. If these things happen when they are old enough to have made their own path, well, that's what letting go is about.

I will not let go of my babies at 12, 14, 16.

your life experiences make you the person you are, if you didn't have the same past experiences you'd be a different person and may have never even met your husband, or if you did meet him you may not have ever fallen in love, you would have been a different person.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife*
I have another question. For those of you who have said you would allow your teen to have sex in your home, would you require the knowledge and consent of the other child's parents? Oh, I forgot to add, why or why not?

I defenitely would get permission....in the reverse situation I'd sue the pants off of someone who let my daughter spend the night with their son without my knowledge. As a parent I NEED to know where my CHILD is, esp at night. And depending on the situation, the parents having the sleepover could be prosecuted for a crime. So it's very important that all parents know what's going on and give permission.

-Heather


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## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

Just some random thoughts on this:

I started having sex when I was barely thirteen. My parents found out and they really, really shamed me, forbid me to do it and then dragged me to an OB/GYN that I didn't know and wasn't comfortable with for my very first gyn exam and essentially forced me to take BC pills and then NEVER spoke of it again. Talk about confusing!!! I was far more traumatized by their response and the forced medical exam then I was by having sex so young. And I do believe strongly that a number of things led to my very early sexual activity. One is that my mother was very controlling. She controlled what we were "allowed" to wear, what we could do with our hair, when we could eat, etc... It kinda gave me chills when a PP wrote about her kids being under her control while dependent on her because it made me think so much of my own mother. So I know part of it was me just dying to make an independent decision about my body. Another factor was just a total lack of communication in general, including sex. My mother paid a lot of lip service about wanting to have an open dialogue about anything, but would then react so negatively and emotionally anytime an issue came up that she really made it impossible. I know I felt a sense of shame surrounding sex before I became active and for a long while after. For crying out loud I have NEVER seen my own mother even partially nude. I walked in on her changing once when I was like six and she yelled at me and slammed the door shut as if I had just stumbled upon something horribly indecent. I think it was largely because she was overweight and very self conscious. Which instilled in me a sense of shame and just in general being very uncomfortable with nudity, sexuality, and my body.

My dd is five. I am taking (and have taken) an approach of wanting her to understand and embrace her sexuality and her body in the hopes that that understanding will lend to her really loving and respecting her body. I tell her often how amazing women's bodies are; how every single part of our bodies has an amazing function. She asks me about my stretch marks and about pubic hair and my breasts, etc.. and I always answer her thoroughly and honestly and in positive ways. We use proper words, like vulva and vagina and breasts. I intend to just continue frank dialogue. As she grows I intend to tell her how young I was when I lost my virginity and the reasons I regret it. I will talk to her about masturbation, birth control, etc&#8230; But also, as Unschoolma mentioned, I want her to understand that her body is her body. I do not make choices about her body. She wears outfits that internally make me cringe sometimes (that's leftover from my mother) but I never say a word. When she asks for a haircut, I cut it how she wants it without comment. When she isn't in the mood to be hugged by me (she has SID), I blow her a kiss. I continously reinforce that she has ultimate say over her body. I mainly just hope to instill in her a good sense of self, a love and respect of her body and sexuality and to trust her to make good choices with her body. How can we trust our children to make good choices with their health and their bodies as teens and adults, if we don't instill that trust through example and application very early on?


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamame*
*1. Pay for their condoms or bc?* Nope. Condoms are NOT fool-proof. They have a failure rate of 10-36% failure rate for pregnancy and viruses are WAY smaller than a sperm so the risks are much higher to get a virus than to get pregnant.

Actually, for latex condoms the failure rate for correct condom use is 3%. Incorrect use is 10-14%. Also, the latex molecules are close enough together that both sperm and viruses can be safely contained. Latex condoms are extremely effective against HIV.
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs243/en/

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mamame*
Also, condoms do not prevent human papillomavirus, chlamydia, herpes, and syphilis since these are not only passed to each other via penile/vaginal penetration but genital contact.

No, they don't provide excellent protection against these diseases, but it is possible to have safer sexual activity with infected/possibly infected people. And a condom is better than no condom.

I respect your decision as a mama to try to keep your kids from having sex, but please don't lie to them about risks and birth control! You know there's no 100% guarantee that you can keep them from having sex if they want to; would you rather they not use any protection because they've been taught that it's worthless?







Also, when they're adults, they will need to know the truth, and maybe they won't bother to look it up then. It's no better to get a disease or have an unplanned pregnancy at 20 than at 16, kwim?


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## Mamame (Sep 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *paquerette*
Actually, for latex condoms the failure rate for correct condom use is 3%. Incorrect use is 10-14%.

So we are counting on kids, who can't remember to put the milk away or get the trash out on time to consistently use a condom properly. I don't think it's realistic. Heck, the few times WE'VE used them, it's been interesting! Most kids think "this won't happen to me" and are NOT real careful. A 10-14% risk is pretty high - and this is for pregnancy NOT for diseases.

Quote:

Also, the latex molecules are close enough together that both sperm and viruses can be safely contained. Latex condoms are extremely effective against HIV.
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs243/en/
That is maybe possible IF the condom is in perfect condition but chances are, they're not always. Keeping them in a wallet, in a hot car, in a cold car, ..... all affect the quality of the latex. Also, HIV is NOT the only disease you can get and, chance are good that the person you are having sex with does not have HIV but DOES have one of the more common viruses than can be just as devastating.

Quote:

No, they don't provide excellent protection against these diseases, but it is possible to have safer sexual activity with infected/possibly infected people. And a condom is better than no condom.
Yes, but should these kids be aware of the risks? Most don't. Are the kids that are having sex being regularly tested? Do they know if their partner has been tested?

Quote:

I respect your decision as a mama to try to keep your kids from having sex, but please don't lie to them about risks and birth control! You know there's no 100% guarantee that you can keep them from having sex if they want to; would you rather they not use any protection because they've been taught that it's worthless?







Also, when they're adults, they will need to know the truth, and maybe they won't bother to look it up then. It's no better to get a disease or have an unplanned pregnancy at 20 than at 16, kwim?
No, I don't tell my kids that birth control/condoms are worthless but they know that they are not the fail-safe methods that people say they are and that the risk is just too great. Obviously they know the risk is even greater by NOT using any of this but I've told them this......if I hit a brick wall with my car at 40 MPH with no seatbelt on and no airbag, I'm going to be seriously hurt or killed. If I hit that same brick wall with a seatbelt and airbag - that fails in just 10% of the times in studies - am I that much safer? Yes, I may be OK but there's a good chance I'm not going to walk away from that unscathed.

I'm fortunate in that my kids are good kids, hang out with good kids and want to be with us and talk with us about anything. My kids' friends' parents have the same standards we do - we are truly blessed. I know that they can still stray and I just pray for protection for them and that what we've talked about sticks with them. Heck, on TV all the ads are saying that talking to your kids makes a difference as to whether they use drugs or smoke - I'm sure it's the same with sex and it's just as risky.

Ann


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Shonahsmom, I really identify with your last post. My mom was similar to yours, and I grew up feeling really embarrassed about my body, and definitly about sex. The unspoken message I got was that sex, and even men in general, are nasty.

For whatever reason, maybe just my unadventerous personality







, I didn't have sex until I was 17. Heck, I didn't even kiss a guy till I was 17!

I want to find a balance between encouraging my kids to own their bodies and my responsibility to protect their bodies. Perhaps they aren't mutually exclusive.


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## liberalmom (Jan 25, 2005)

I would just like to say that i am truly suprised by the openness you mothers have to the concept of teen sex. It is happening and it is going to continue to happen teens having sex. I am a 23 with a 7 year old daughter. If you do the math i was sixteen. I wish my parents would have been on top of things with me and provided me protection. There was nothing they were going to say that was going to stop me from having sex. Don't get me wrong i love my daughter with all of my heart and i like to think she saved me from taking the wrong path but i wish i would have been older when i had her. I missed out on a child hood. One last thought to the supportive parents out there. You are doing the right thing for your teens you are trying to protect them if you ignore the fact that teens have sex you might end up a grandparent or a parent of a teen with an uncurable illness.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I just wanted to pipe in to all you 20-something saying how you remember being a teen since it wasn't that long ago for you that I'm 30-something







and I still vividly remmeber my teenage years.







: I bet most people do regardless of age. That's one reason why I think it's so important to be involved in your teen's life. So even though it was half my lifetime ago, I'm not so over the hill that I can't remember.







(I hope you all know I'm teasing you.







)

And to the PP who was shocked that her young dd had a classmate offering oral sex to her boyfriend, oral sex seems to be all the rage now. Kids think it is a safe way to have sex without actually having sex. As the former President said, it's not really sex.


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## VisionQuest (Dec 28, 2001)

I have a 13 yo dd and a 9 yo dd.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

No, I don't believe that I would pay for any bc for them. If they think they're old enough to handle the responsibility of sex, then they can be old enough to handle the responsibility of a job to pay for their own bc.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

My dh spent the night at my house before we were married, but we were both over 18 and he actually slept in a sleeping bag! Hormones went crazy when we were there, just the two of us. I know how hormones are and I don't feel comfortable in setting up a situation to promote that.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

I would have to say that it would be middle-of-the-road for me. Some supervision, but not right-in-their-face about it.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

We do communicate openly. I've recently started more conversations about sex with my 13 yo because she's arriving into that high-pressure age bracket.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

My dds are not sexually active but I would try to convince them to stop, based on my own experience. The only good sexual experience I had before I was married was with the man who would become my husband. Looking back, I would have saved it for marriage. I became pregnant at 17 (with a different partner) and had an abortion. My mom was supportive of whatever decision I chose. Sex was not openly discussed in my house but I decided to have sex because all of my friends were "doing it" and I felt left out of the conversations. What a lousy reason!

Looking back, I see no positives to premarital sex. I tell my children that it's best to wait until you're married before you get pregnant.

Bottom line, if my dds choose to have sex, then they had better be ready to deal with the responsibility. And, of course, being the mom that I am, will be here to catch them should they fall.


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## Epicurus (Jan 12, 2005)

Well, this whole thread has me a bit surprised. Perhaps it is because we homeschool and just live our lives differently. I don't know. My oldest is 14, he will be 15 in March. He is not sexually active with other people. I am sure he is sexually active in privacy. It would be odd if he wasn't.

I have talked to my kids about sex and I don't believe they have to wait until marriage. I will have condoms in the house where they can get to them. I have no problem with that when the time comes. I don't expect my kids to be having sex at this age though. I would be very surprised. I can't imagine inviting them to have sex in our home but I would never say never. I don't know what the future holds.

I am very against the idea of allowing them to have sex in my house with someone whose parent is against this. To me it is disrespectful on my part. I would expect my kids friends parents not to allow my kids to do things in their home such as have sex or do drugs etc as well. It is inappropriate IMO. Too much focus on sex. There is so much more to life. This is but one tiny part they will have their entire adult lives to explore. What is the rush?

Collette


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

There are some great responses here. If my dh had his way, our girls would be in a convent their whole adolesence, which doesn't really solve the problem!!


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## rgarlough (Jul 18, 2002)

Here's my 2 cents. I was active at 16. My mom is a nurse and would ALWAYS try to talk to me about sex at the worst times. Thank god I was mature enough to go to Planned Parenthood myself and get on BCP







I had 1 major boyfriend in HS that I was involved with and we also used condoms. I would NEVER expect my parents to by my BC! In fact, I tried my best to 'protect' them from knowing that I was active







I think the maturity level of the teen needs to be considered overall. If the teen is old enough, perhaps a visit to PP alone is sufficient.









Now days, many teens view certain sex acts as not really sex, for example, a number of teens actually believe that oral sex is no big deal







Excuse me, but that is the craziest thing I've heard and it is widespread. I would definitely make sure that my kids understand that sex is sex. Its all a big deal. Seems like if they can't get pg from oral sex, that it is a free for all...

For the preteens in our house, I think the best we can do for them is model a healthy relationship. By providing a good example and creating an environment its the best we can do...

Now to answer your questions:

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? _- No, its their responsibility_.
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? _Honestly, I wouldn't really push for them to, but as long as I wasn't around..._







:
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? _I would opt to give them some privacy but have guidelines regarding time alone together._
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? _Keep the lines open but don't force it. Keep it natural._
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? _Try to accept it and respect their decisions. Obviously I'm talking about mature teens not 12 yos._


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rgarlough*
Now days, many teens view certain sex acts as not really sex, for example, a number of teens actually believe that oral sex is no big deal







Excuse me, but that is the craziest thing I've heard and it is widespread. I would definitely make sure that my kids understand that sex is sex. Its all a big deal. Seems like if they can't get pg from oral sex, that it is a free for all...


IMO this is byproduct of the overemphasis on virginity. As long as they stay "virgins" by not having vaginal intercourse then they are still "good girls".







on all of it.


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## Coffee Mom (Dec 21, 2004)

I totally agree arduinna!!!


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## wednesday (Apr 26, 2004)

Yeah, I went to college with a guy who regularly proclaimed his virginity, was very involved in the campus catholic student organization, would talk about how he was saving himself for the woman he would marry...and yet he was also having oral AND anal sex with various partners on a regular basis. I swear it came straight from his mouth that as long as his penis did not penetrate a woman's vagina, he was still a "virgin"! And this was no high school kid, he was like 22! Ah well, at least there was no pregnancy risk, but OTOH he and his partners apparently had no need for condoms since they weren't having "sex"







.


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wakeUpMama*
...and yet he was also having oral AND anal sex with various partners on a regular basis. .... Ah well, at least there was no pregnancy risk, but OTOH he and his partners apparently had no need for condoms since they weren't having "sex"







.

Actually, pregnancy is possible (not particularly likely, but possible) if a man ejaculates in a woman's anus without a condom, especially if the area is well lubricated. It's not that far a trip from there to the vagina, and especially if the woman is on all fours when he pulls out, it's not uncommon for semen to find its way there.

It is also VERY high risk behavior in terms of diseases and infections. But I'm sure such an upstanding young man such as he gets tested and makes sure his partners are tested on a regular basis.










Just FYI.

(Note: I'm not saying unprotected anal [or oral] sex doesn't have its place within a healthy sexual relationship - but will the court please note I used the word SEX twice in that last sentance?? Sheesh. This isn't rocket science.)


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

wakeupmama

I think that guy needs to wake up :LOL


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## KermitMissesJim (Feb 12, 2004)

Holy cow. Now I need to go figure out how to give my children the carefree, beautiful, innocent childhood my parents gave me. I can only hope my children blossom late, as I did. I may have to homeschool if we move out of this lovely bubble town.

I will not buy them birth control.
They may not have sex in my home.
I will not watch them like a hawk, but they will be in an open area of the home with their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends.
We will speak openly about sex, about the gift it is and why our Creator gave us boundaries within which to use it.
I will love and help them no matter what but will stand firm by my knowledge that sex is for marriage.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:

For the preteens in our house, I think the best we can do for them is model a healthy relationship. By providing a good example and creating an environment its the best we can do...








Right on. And I feel really good about the environment that dh and I have created, especially in light of my parent's relationship (unaffectionate, uptight). Dh and I obviously love each other and the kids know it. When they get older they'll both know that their parents have sex. (*shudder* Eww! Parental sex! That just ain't right!)

I don't want to give the impression dh and I have no discresion(sp?) around the kids.







It's just that I grew up thinking my parents must have had sex a total of 4 times (4 kids). And that thought had something to do with my decision to have sex for the first time. I didn't want to be like them. I wanted to be a more joyful person.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I have a question for those who are saying "they may not have sex in my home" - how do you plan to enforce that? I had sex in my home as a teen - no one had ever said I may or may not but regardless, there were many times (some during the day, some in the evenings, weekdays, weekends) when no one else was home. My mom was a SAHM but she still had to go to the grocery store, you know?









We all (whether we feel we have liberal or conservative views on this - or any - topic) plan to pass those values, ideas, etc. on to our children. Many of us will say we want them to make up their own minds (no problem, they will!) but even so, we must think our way is good or we wouldn't believe it. What if our kids look over the information and come up with a different decision?

Now of course someone could ask me how do I plan to enforce 'no smoking' in my house since I will not be here 24/7. I suppose I am hoping that that will continue to become less popular, and that my kids will be smart enough (we've been talking about it for years - they continually try to convince my brother/their uncle to quit) to never try it. And there is not the overwhelmingly strong hormonal component to fight.... Plus, I don't think a lot of teenage girls mix up nicotine and love.

I just think there is a middle ground between "I'll forbid it" and "I'll allow it". For me that is I totally expect that it will happen and I'd much rather it be in her bed than in a car or outside or in the locker room. I don't have to sit downstairs watching Desperate Housewives while she is upstairs with her boyfriend, knowing what is happening. Ugh. (is there a shudder smilie?) But if she takes advantage of the fact that her parents take her younger siblings on a bike ride - well, that's what teens do. I just don't see how I can win a war against teenage love and hormones. And really, I don't want to. I have many fond memories of that time in my life. I am sure it will be hard for me when I am the mom of that teen but I hope I can deal for her sake.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten*
I have a question for those who are saying "they may not have sex in my home" - how do you plan to enforce that?

To me, allowing your teen to have sex means allowing their girlfriends or boyfriends to spend the night and allowing them to sleep in the same room and sitting downstairs watching Desperate Housewives (love that show!







: ) while they are upstairs GIO. That I will not do. I fully understand that my sons may have occassion to have girlfriends in my home and have sex with them when I'm not around. I will not freak out if this happens and I find out but I am not going to encourage it either by allowing them to sleep over or whatever. I think that's where the middle ground between watching them like a hawk and giving them privacy comes in.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I think there may be a difference in wording that was hanging me up. I would not allow my daughters' boyfriends to stay overnight at our house - so maybe I'm not as liberal as I think I am! I fully expect that they will have sex in their teens - and if they do, I would rather have it be in my house (but hopefully I will not have specific knowledge of it) than somewhere else. To me (and this is just probably leftover feelings from my parents' or grandparents' generation) it seems a bit disrespectful or at least just not "what you do".

Is it hypocritical to say it is ok if you do it but don't be obvious about it?

I would be ok with the occasional camping trip or overnight trip for a concert at the Gorge (long drive to go there and back in one day) or other such thing for the older (16+) teen. Just not a sleepover at my house on an average weekend for example. And all of this is based on my assumption that this is a boy who treats her well. I would have a very hard time being "ok with it" if it was someone who I felt was disrespectful or mean to her.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

I'm 22....

i will deff teach my daughter FAM and tell her to use condoms









when i started dateing dh i was 17. my mom didnt let us sleep in the same room til we had been together for 1 yr then she finally did.

I will let dd's boyfriend stay in her room but the door has to stay wide open all night, but then again i may change my mind about that.

thank god shes only 17 months old right now i have a while


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

I answered, I already dealt with this as a mom with my first. Not sure I would be as open again, but it was certainly a pick your battle kind of thing.

But another thought. I think the best thing we can do for our kids is teach them to feel powerful some way other than sexually. Kids who get their emotional needs and their need to feel connected and empowered don't go into their teen years so hungry. If nothing matters to them, romantic relationships are really appealing. If they are very dedicated to sports or school or church or music or anything, then they are more careful about their dreams. I don't think that necessarily means they will refrain from sex, but the most destructive sexual behavior seems to come when kids are using it to fill all their needs. Just like experimenting with alcohol or drugs.

When I talk to teens and their parents about drugs and alcohol I tell them that the teen brain is highly suggestive, easily hooked. I truely believe that if we could keep kids away from cigarettes, alcohol and drugs until they were 18-20, we could legalize drugs and have very little problem. Adult brains don't get hooked nearly as easily.

Maybe sex is the same for some kids, highly addictive, being used to meet more needs than it truely can. For those of you who entered into a healthy relationship at 16, sex isn't the destructive force that it is for kids who are showing what I see as compulsive, addictive, and highly destructive sexual acting out.


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## Epicurus (Jan 12, 2005)

Quote:

I have a question for those who are saying "they may not have sex in my home" - how do you plan to enforce that?
I think this means to me that I will not endorse nor invite them to share a bed in our home. If they manage to do it when I am not around and no one knows I suppose that is their business. At this time that would be almost impossible as we live in he boonies and all of our friends are at least a 45 min drive away and my kids do not yet drive. Not to mention the homeschooling SAHM lifestyle is not one condusive to me being gone much. They do their thing and I do mine but we are usually on the same property or in the same building etc








As I said before, maybe it is because we live a different lifestyle, but I don't expect my kids focus to be on having sex right now. I expect them to be thinking about it as theirr bodies change and they are having more sexual feelings. I expect them to be exploring their bodies more and more and enjoying their bodies as well. I do not expect them to go out and have sex with someone. I don't think my 14 yr old has even kissed a girl. Might have. I know he has held hands. Different style of parenting completely and different lifestyle we lead.
I see sex as a wonderful par of life. I do not hope that it become the center of my teens lives. There is so much more in life I hope they will be focusing on right now. I don't expect them to wait until marriage and they know this. I do expect them to wait until they are consenting adults with other consenting adults.
The way I explain it to my kids is that they go through puberty before they are really ready to be with a partner sexually. The teenage years are a time where they learn their own bodies. Masturbation is a wonderful thing and it makes sense to me that they spend some time getting to know their own bodies in this new way before they go out and start exploring others bodies. With all the diseases these days plus the risk of pregnancy I have also taught them condoms will not 100% protect them and anyone they choose to have sex with should be someone they care for and respect deeply because they could end up connected for life with that person. It is not a responsibility to take lightly. It is an adult responsibility IMO.

Collette


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten*
Is it hypocritical to say it is ok if you do it but don't be obvious about it?


I don't think so. Most adults are discete about it why not expect the same?

You would be surprised at how many teens know when their parents are "doing it" but they just play innocent. I do think this descression might be something as adults we need to learn to give to our children.


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## mommyofshmoo (Oct 25, 2004)

I don't have teens yet, but I was sexually active as a teen and experiences both good and bad parenting during it, so I have a few opinions:

1. I wouldn't buy them condoms and birth control, but I would give them an allowance and encourage them (once or twice only) to purchase these for themselves. I'd tell them I can't force them to actually use the birth control I buy, so I'm not going to baby them by going to the pharmacy.

2. I would, however, make an appointment for my dd to see a gynecologist for a pap, and to start her health mainteneance as a sexually active person. I would remind her to discuss birth control and STDs. I'm also all for leaving condoms somewhere they can find them.

3. I think my parents had it right to allow partners to sleep over once we were in college. I think sleepovers before that age are too much freedom and kids might not be able to handle it. Plus, young girls can face a lot of pressure. I think home should be a safe haven during a time when sex can seem all over the place.

4. I would surely discuss, in depth, the risks and responsibilities of sexual activity. Not in a scare tactics way, but in an honest way. I've known people who've caught every STD there is (except, thankfully, HIV). I'd let her know that although AIDS is very, very scary- she doesn't want to catch herpes either, or HPV. And these things are easy catch.

I would discuss unplanned pregnancy in depth as well. Not in a "It would ruin your whole life" way that it was presented to me in HS, but by telling her about the people I've known who've had to make heart wrenching choices, and had to live with those choices for the rest of their lives.

Not sure if this is helpful, but just my 2 cents.


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## mwherbs (Oct 24, 2004)

Coffee Mom said:


> Hi everyone, a friend and I had a discussion at work last night about how you deal with your teens that are sexually active. Other than keeping them safe and giving them guidance, do you or would you when your kids were older:
> 1. Pay for their condoms or bc?I have done this for my adult children
> 2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? This as well, but I have limitations, our home is not a flop house and one-night-stands are definitely never welcome
> 3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Some privacy some I don't care.since this is our home I am not for vacating the living room to give the teens a place to have sex or make-out, drink, drug what ever...
> ...


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## CincoDeMama (Dec 9, 2001)

each individual teen is different. mine are not active right now, but the day will come when they are mature sexual beings & that doesn't scare me.

my teens will be protected, as will their partners, and there are already lots of frank discussions about chosing a partner/girlfriend/boyfriend & mutual respect.

some may not be ready, but some are, yk?


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

I would absolutely provide access to condoms- like a drawer full in the bathroom- because they guard against stds as well as pregnancy. Also, most drugstores and markets have them right in front of the cashier or pharmacy personnel, so people won't steal them, but this can make them mighty hard to buy for a shy teenager. Regardless of my feelings about whether the sex is appropriate, if it's going to happen, it's more important that it be as safe as possible. Things are less likely to go too far if it's in the house too- by "too far" I mean beyond what one partner or the other wishes. I don't know whether I'd let my daughter have a boyfriend sleep in her room. Perhaps if it was a boyfriend and not a casual date, kwim? They'll only creep about the house at night if you don't let them, or find somewhere less safe to be alone, and I don't care for that idea. By this I am referring to older children, and mature, 16-17 at the earliest depending on the child. And then I might have the guest sleep in a separate room, just for respect's sake, even though we'll all know full well there might be three am visits. I have no problem with mature teens exploring sex in a safe and happy way but there are things, like spending the night, that belong to the young adults and grown-ups so that's what I mean by respect. Once a child is in college I would expect they could have their friends spend the night, but a "one-night-stand" type thing- well I don't really want to be introduced to someone at the coffeemaker as s/he emerges from my daughter's bedroom, either.

My mother had spectacularly bad judgement when it came to my friends and boyfriends- the one she thought was so sweet and "wouldn't pressure you sexually" was the biggest pushy perv (he is still a good friend today







). One time a friend was going to spend the night and I just assumed he could sleep in the other bed in my room, and she was shocked. Meanwhile, there was no chance in hell of anything going on- mutual repulsion- so it was silly. We would have stayed up late chatting as though we were the same gender. When I lived with a guy for a year our mothers were all scandalized and crushed- neither realizing he's gay and even though we shared a bedroom their concern was, shall we say, misplaced. The point is parents, however savvy they think they are and however riotous the youth they enjoyed themselves, often don't have a clue as to what's what with their kids. I hope to take each situation as it comes with an open mind without being too laissez-faire.


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## boricuaqueen327 (Oct 11, 2004)

I really like this thread.

My dd is still a baby but here is how i hope to be able to answer these questions when she's a teen:

Hi everyone, a friend and I had a discussion at work last night about how you deal with your teens that are sexually active. Other than keeping them safe and giving them guidance, do you or would you when your kids were older:
1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
Absolutely. I would do so because I can give her all the information about how abstinence is best etc etc but I know from experience that teenage curiosity is going to be greater than that. If she/he is abstinent, great! If not, I would want them to be protected. I would pay for condoms, the pill, the patch or whatever method my child wanted to use.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
dont know... this one is tougher... I would have to say yes though because from experience, I know that it's easier to be safe when you're comfortable. I would haate to think of my kid struggling in the backseat or under some bleachers and forgetting condoms or something because my house was off limits.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
Privacy! This is one thing I missed out alot on when I was growing up and it is very important to me still.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
Communicate. It's the only way to be sure they are armed with information about protection, diseases, etc and how to make sure that they are ok with sex emotionally.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
I would accept it, though I would probably not like it. LIke I said before, I know from experience that being hostile or not acknowledging it would not be helpful at all.


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## shaylahc (Nov 2, 2004)

I have a problem with a 14 y.o. having sex for several reasons.

#1--no birth control is 100% effective. Unless I was ok with the idea of a 14 y.o. getting pregnant (which I am not) then I wouldn't want her having sex.

#2--while depo and norplant may help prevent pregnancy, they do nothing to prevent STDs. Unless I was ok with the idea of a 14 y.o. gettting an STD (which again, I am not) then I wouldn't want her having sex.

#3--Doesn't this 14 y.o. have anything else to occupy her time? Perhaps she needs a job or extra-curricular activities. When I was 14 having sex was the last thing on my mind. I was busy with school, friends, and babysitting. I don't think a 14 y.o. has the maturity to make decisions about with whom, when and how she should be having sex responsibly. It's simply "too much, too soon".

What will this 14 y.o. have to look forward to as an adult if she is "doing at all" by the time she is 14? What are the odds that she will have a relationship with this person that will last forever? How many sexual partners will she have before she gets married, and what husband will want a wife who has been having sex with different men since she was 14? What is this child learning about love and the value of sex in a relationship?

I had friends in high school who had parents who wanted to play "cool" with their kids and let them have sex as teens, let their boyfriends/girlfriends spend the night, move in, etc, and every single one of these teens got pregnant and ended up being teen moms. You play with fire long enough, eventually you are going to get burned.....

I started having sex at 16. It was in a long term relationship. My mom (single parent) knew about it and was ok with it. I *thought* my boyfriend was being monogamous as well, but as often happens with teenagers it turns out he was not. I ended up with HPV (an STD) that was detected when I had an abnormal (pre-cancerous) pap smear when I was 18. I had cryosurgery and the cancer has not recurred, but I will carry this virus with me for the rest of my life and at any time the cancer could come back. That is a HUGE price to pay. Looking back I wish I had waited. While I may have been physically and emotionally mature at 16, I was having sex in a relationship that did not result in marriage, and I am so glad I never got pregnant since this young man died in a car accident when he was 21. I could have ended up a single teen mother with a fatherless child. My DH was a virgin when we started dating and I think it's wonderful that the only memories he has of sex is with me. I wish the only memories I had were with him since he is the person I will be with forever.....It's kind of sad to have had such a negative early experience with sex.

I don't necessarily think a person should wait until marriage to have sex, but I do think it should be reserved for long term relationships between 2 adults over 18. I have 4 children and I will raise them to be informed about sex and birth control, and I will encourage them to wait until they are 18. I will not provide them with birth control, but will educate them about how to get it if they need it. I will not give them consent to have sex in my house, but I understand sometimes it happens, so as long as they were of age and were discreet I probably wouldn't fuss.

I will teach my children about sex in the context of a loving, monogamous relationship. I will also emphasize the "risks" associated with having sex (pregnancies and STDs). I want them to be fully informed and educated. I will always be honest and encourage them to wait until they are all grown up and can handle the decision about the when/how/with whom, etc, of sex.

I figure if I am buying their birth control that means they can't afford to buy diapers, and if they can't afford to buy diapers they probably shouldn't be having sex!


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

This thread has really gotten me thinking...of course, my own dd is still yet to be born for a few months, so I have some time! :LOL

However, thinking back to my own experience...I grew up in a small town in the Bible Belt where abstinence was the only thing taught in school and such. In my house, I don't remember my parents ever talking to me about sex directly, but instead left books like "Our Bodies, Ourselves" out for me to read. (Later on, I found out from my mom that she did this b/c she had been molested and raped at a young age and felt that her own views of sex were so unhealthy that she didn't know HOW to talk to me about it.) All the emphasis on DON'T DON'T DON'T that I grew up with made developing a positive sexual identity really hard for me, and I don't want that for my kids. I did end up waiting until I was older to have sex, but for my friends who didn't, I think sex was traumatic on them b/c of the lack of knowledge and the judgemental attitudes.

I want my kids to know sex is a big responsibility and decision, but there are more important things in life and in relationships. I think pushing the idea of no premarital sex puts an undue emphasis on it's importance. Once I started seeing sex as only one part of a relationship, and not some mystical thing that "changes" you, I felt I gained a better perspective on how to have a healthy relationship. I know that in my marriage, it's not sex that is the most important bond I share with my dh. It's much more about trust and a deep emotional bond. And it's teaching my kids who to choose to trust with their emotions and love (with or without sex being involved) that I think is more important to their well-being.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

This may be a silly question but, can underage kids even buy condoms? My almost 14yo ds thinks that it's illegal for him to buy them.


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Quote:

This may be a silly question but, can underage kids even buy condoms? My almost 14yo ds thinks that it's illegal for him to buy them.
It is legal, although I remember some drugstores in my town choose not to sell them to underage kids. There was always the 7/11 bathroom, though.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *odenata*
There was always the 7/11 bathroom, though.

There's a bathroom in the 7/11?!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

what is so shocking about buying comdoms from a 7-11 bathroom? they also sell tampons if I remember correctly.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna*
what is so shocking about buying comdoms from a 7-11 bathroom? they also sell tampons if I remember correctly.

Nothing shocking about buying anything from any bathroom. I just never knew that 7/11 stores had bathrooms. None of the 7/11 stores where I come from had bathrooms.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shaylahc*
what husband will want a wife who has been having sex with different men since she was 14?

Uh, mine did and he's the most decent man I've ever known, except for my dad, maybe.


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## calpurnia (Sep 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Originally Posted by shaylahc*
what husband will want a wife who has been having sex with different men since she was 14?

Yep, mine also.

He has also been having sex with different women since he was 14. We seem to cope.


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## ryleeee (Feb 9, 2005)

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

I would pay for my daughter's birth control if she needed it for her period. If she was "mature enough" to be having sex, then she better be able to pay for a child, let alone birth control.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

NEVER. My husband and I don't even let his 17 year old brother and his girlfriend sleep at our house together. They understand our reasoning and respect it, we would let her sleep here and set up a place close by where he could sleep, and they would be allowed to hang out together during the day (duh)...it's not like we are trying to control them. We just realize now that after both being in sexual relationships before meeting and falling in love, that we should have waited for each other and won't be encouraging that in our house.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

I would not let them be alone in a closed bedroom together, even though I hated that my parents did this to me. I'd explain it to them though...and allow them to be alone, but not handing out condoms on their way to the room.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

We will communicate 100% about sex.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I would be disappointed. And I'm sure my Mom was disappointed in me also. But she still loved me and accepted me. I'll do the same. I pray they wait until marriage though. Sex is sacred. I wish we would have waited for each other.

FLAME AWAY. I stand by my convictions and always will.

edit: Keep in mind, I'm 20 and my husband is 21. I can relate to teenagers, but just because their hormones are out of wack doesn't make it right. I know people struggle and give in to temptation. I know I did. But I hope to God my children are stronger than I am.


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shaylahc*
What will this 14 y.o. have to look forward to as an adult if she is "doing at all" by the time she is 14?

Well, I am 28 and have been having sex - some of it really really good if I do say so myself







- for 11 years, and I assure you I have not "done it all." I am sure I have plenty of good and different sex to look forward to for the rest of my adult life, too.

Quote:

what husband will want a wife who has been having sex with different men since she was 14?
What woman would want a husband who would have a problem with that?
NOT ME.

If your husband is like that, then I'm happy for both of you that you have found each other, but let me tell you that is not the kind of man I'm interested in (or interested in raising my son to be).


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

I am the mom to an almost 15 year-old. I'd like her to remain inactive till adulthood, but I am fully aware that she is a normal teen and normal human.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?

Were it necessary for sexual activity, I absolutely would pay for both or either. I wouldn't like it, and it would be a hard pill to swallow, and it would "feel" a little like permission, but ultimately, if she does engage in sex, it is far more important to me that my daughter (1) is healthy; and (2) is able to reach adulthood without a baby of her own.

She currently is on depo for severe cramps and I take comfort in knowing that -- just in case -- we're covered.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?

After reading so many posts here, I have to say that I'm not entirely clear on where I am with this. I sure respect the moms who say "I'd rather they be here and safe rather than in a car, in the woods, etc." I was that girl, and it did not feel good or positive. These moms are on to something in caring more about their child's healthy development than about automatic reactions (NO! -- which was my first reaction). I'll ponder it more, but suffice to say that I now find myself open to it.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?

In between. I wouldn't intentionally stay within three feet, but I also would not go into my own bedroom and close the door. (Again, in respecting and relating to so much of what some of you have said, I am not closing the door to changing my mind.)

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?

Absolutely. I always have and I always will. Sex is natural. Sex is a part of life. Sex happens. I have always discussed sex with her (after taking deep breaths and staying focused on keeping communication open and honest) as calmly and rationally as I have discussed ANY other subject -- school, clothes, what's for dinner, how she's getting along with her best friend, etc. I don't make up pretend words for body parts or things people do sexually. No, I do not discuss my personal sex life with my daughter. But, when she asked "do people really put their mouths on someone's penis.... ....ewwwwwwwwww........" I calmly said, "Yes, sweetie, some adults do do that when they are in a loving relationship....." I know it sounds positively gross right now, and there will probably come a time in your life that it won't seem so gross. She is fully informed about sex, love and relationships -- and it's been a slow and steady -- and open and honest process. She doesn't have to wonder and imagine. She doesn't have to take her friend's word for it -- when probably that friend is getting her information only from another friend and not a trusted adult.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I would begrudgingly accept. I would not give permission. I will always stress the importance of being an adult in a loving relationship. I will always express that she is not yet old enough to be involved in the complex world of sex. I try to prevent all opportunities of getting into such a situation. I do my best and my part to delay the inevitable, and I love her dearly and passionately no matter what.

Now I'm off to see what other parents think and do. Great topic!


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coffee Mom*
(both are on depo). I always explained to them that sex can be wonderful in the right situations and terrible in the wrong situations.

t, they are safely learning how to enjoy a sexual relationship. Yes i do buy

overnite with them here. At first it took some getting used to, but now it's a

somewhere else that kids do it these days. I think it's a learning experience for them, and I know they are safe and happy. I would never encourage a child to become sexually active, but once the horse is out of the barn, I think its important that they enjoy something that is a very natural part of life. Hugs, Jan









Wow, Jan. I'm not quite to the point you are (my daughter is almost 15 and is not currently seeing anybody seriously), but I have to say, I respect and admire the way you handle your situation with your girls. I hope, when the time comes, that I can be just as open-minded and accepting of what I, too, believe is natural and normal. I would bet that you and your girls probably have a very close and honest relationship -- yes?


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *edamommy*
**I just want to bring up the depo comment. It's nasty stuff. Have you done a ton of research on it? I wouldn't give it to my worst enemy and blame some of my ongoing health issues with using it for just one year about 10 years ago! I shudder to think what it could do to a 14 year olds growing system!


Please expound. My daughter is currently taking depo (and her doctor recently said we need to switch to a different method) and I'm very interested in what you are talking about.

Thanks.


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## wkh (Feb 15, 2005)

I would be very open about sex, but more about what "cheap" really means and such. I think those who feel you must only have sex within the bonds of a loving relationship might want to read the book "Slut!" by Leora Tanenbaum. Healthy respectful consensual sex can happen between two friends or people who barely know one another.

I actually hope my daughter doesn't get an idea in her head she has to be in loooove to have sex. I see so many teenage girls screwed up over being in love (whether they're having sex or not!) and a lot of it is because they think they need to be in love to justify having sex.

My best friend is 22 and childfree, a law school student. No long term partner tho she has had two in the past. I'm 30 and have two who are 8 and 6, and am getting remarried soon, and will have some more. Couldn't be more in different places. But, her parents raised her so well, with many NFL values (FYI you vegetarians out there -she was 22 before she ever tasted meat







and promptly rejected it!). She has sex for the first time at 18, with a guy she met *that night* at a party. It was the most beautiful experience ever. Her idea, her decision, he was kind, respectful, gentle, and she has absolutely zero regrets. No love but they remain fond pen pals to this day (he was from out of town). Now that's what I wish for my daughters.

I am skeptical of the virginity movement as some other previous posters mentioned. I have another friend who was a 28 yr old virgin when she got married. She'd had oral sex with roughly four times as many men as I have slept with (and I started at 14 -very loving tender experience with my best friend who I still know today). But she was really into being a virgin and on and on about how just and righteous it was. Okaaaaaay. I wasn't disputing her decision, just how she seemed to feel above those who were not virgins.

As for what guy would want a girl who had been sleeping with different partners since 14... sheesh. I plan to teach my daughters never to date men who would judge a woman's worth based on how many people she'd had sex with!







Yuck!

I hope my children have happy, respectful sex with whomever they choose. If it's in my house or wherever I don't care. I know they will find somewhere to do it whether or not I forbid it. If they want condoms and I buy them other stuff sure I'll get some. I just want it to be safe, sane, and consensual.


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## edamommy (Apr 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Curious Me*
Please expound. My daughter is currently taking depo (and her doctor recently said we need to switch to a different method) and I'm very interested in what you are talking about.

Thanks.


I stopped having my period (as expected) on depo. Three years after taking it I still hadn't had a period. And since, I've had a period maybe 3 times a year (it's been like 10 years now!!). I have polycystic ovaries (hmmmm, for no reason as my ovaries were fine before!). I grew a lot of facial hair during the depo- and that's keeping up too. I gained weight and have had a hard time keeping it off too. I had a hard time getting pregnant. I could go on and on and on... what I'm saying is that depo is the worst decision I EVER made regarding my own health... and I"ve not been the same since.







:


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## guerrillamama (Oct 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wkh*
I actually hope my daughter doesn't get an idea in her head she has to be in loooove to have sex. I see so many teenage girls screwed up over being in love (whether they're having sex or not!) and a lot of it is because they think they need to be in love to justify having sex.









Thank you for saying this!


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MsMoMpls*
Ok- just to throw another twist to the situation- don't assume your teens are heterosexual.

I absolutely agree -- speaking from personal experience. I, too, set the same rules with regard to who my daughter is involved with, regardless of gender.


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## Artisan (Aug 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Curious Me*
Please expound. My daughter is currently taking depo (and her doctor recently said we need to switch to a different method) and I'm very interested in what you are talking about.

Thanks.

The FDA recently issued a "black box warning" for Depo, which is one step removed from taking it off the market. It is essentially saying to healthcare providers, "Use with extreme caution."

It causes irreversible bone loss, among other problems.


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom*
Bash me, but I do think we would be better served if we accept that not all sex is about love. Sex can be for just pleasure with no emotional attachment to it.

This goes into being sexually responsible. Accepting that some people have more of their heart into than you/child might. Respecting and backing off in relationships you don't want to commit to.

I also think this is were you benefit in teaching your children when you want/need this pleasure that is what masturbation is for.

IT IS NOT responsible to having different sex partner each weekend.

It is not responsible to mess with peoples hearts.

Also, I do not understand why people think 13, 14, 15, 16 year olds cannot feel love. I think they do!! I think it is very real. This doesn't mean the relationship will last till death do you part but I think it is very real. I know 40, 50, and 60 year olds that cannot make their love relationships last more than a year.


Good points and very well said.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *edamommy*
I stopped having my period (as expected) on depo. Three years after taking it I still hadn't had a period. And since, I've had a period maybe 3 times a year (it's been like 10 years now!!). I have polycystic ovaries (hmmmm, for no reason as my ovaries were fine before!). I grew a lot of facial hair during the depo- and that's keeping up too. I gained weight and have had a hard time keeping it off too. I had a hard time getting pregnant. I could go on and on and on... what I'm saying is that depo is the worst decision I EVER made regarding my own health... and I"ve not been the same since.







:

I've had the same problems since getting the Norplant 13 years ago(?). I had been on bcp for many years before that. I think that anything that gives you a steady stream of hormones is something to be very cautious about, especially with someone who is not finished going through puberty yet.


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shonahsmom*
Just some random thoughts on this:

I started having sex when I was barely thirteen. My parents found out and they really, really shamed me, forbid me to do it and then dragged me to an OB/GYN that I didn't know and wasn't comfortable with for my very first gyn exam and essentially forced me to take BC pills and then NEVER spoke of it again. Talk about confusing!!! I was far more traumatized by their response and the forced medical exam then I was by having sex so young. And I do believe strongly that a number of things led to my very early sexual activity. One is that my mother was very controlling. She controlled what we were "allowed" to wear, what we could do with our hair, when we could eat, etc... It kinda gave me chills when a PP wrote about her kids being under her control while dependent on her because it made me think so much of my own mother. So I know part of it was me just dying to make an independent decision about my body. Another factor was just a total lack of communication in general, including sex. My mother paid a lot of lip service about wanting to have an open dialogue about anything, but would then react so negatively and emotionally anytime an issue came up that she really made it impossible. I know I felt a sense of shame surrounding sex before I became active and for a long while after. For crying out loud I have NEVER seen my own mother even partially nude. I walked in on her changing once when I was like six and she yelled at me and slammed the door shut as if I had just stumbled upon something horribly indecent. I think it was largely because she was overweight and very self conscious. Which instilled in me a sense of shame and just in general being very uncomfortable with nudity, sexuality, and my body.

My dd is five. I am taking (and have taken) an approach of wanting her to understand and embrace her sexuality and her body in the hopes that that understanding will lend to her really loving and respecting her body. I tell her often how amazing women's bodies are; how every single part of our bodies has an amazing function. She asks me about my stretch marks and about pubic hair and my breasts, etc.. and I always answer her thoroughly and honestly and in positive ways. We use proper words, like vulva and vagina and breasts. I intend to just continue frank dialogue. As she grows I intend to tell her how young I was when I lost my virginity and the reasons I regret it. I will talk to her about masturbation, birth control, etc&#8230; But also, as Unschoolma mentioned, I want her to understand that her body is her body. I do not make choices about her body. She wears outfits that internally make me cringe sometimes (that's leftover from my mother) but I never say a word. When she asks for a haircut, I cut it how she wants it without comment. When she isn't in the mood to be hugged by me (she has SID), I blow her a kiss. I continously reinforce that she has ultimate say over her body. I mainly just hope to instill in her a good sense of self, a love and respect of her body and sexuality and to trust her to make good choices with her body. How can we trust our children to make good choices with their health and their bodies as teens and adults, if we don't instill that trust through example and application very early on?

Sounds like you are doing a FANTASTIC job of not repeating the dysfunctional past and your mom's control issues. I'm learning so much from all of these posts. Again, good for you and your healthy, loving attitude.


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## wkh (Feb 15, 2005)

I should mention... my friend who was a 28 yr old virgin when she was married?

Divorced 8 months later.

Gee, that was worthwhile. Guy's not even in her life anymore. Has no idea where he is.

I should add this was after dating for five years, being committed christians, going through a year of premarital counselling.

People ask what happened and yk, seriously, I think it's because they built a house. Seems like everyone I know had major marital problems or divorce when they built a house!

It *really* soured me on the whole wait for marriage thing. I'd rather have my kids lose it to good friends they know they'll always keep in touch with.


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *wkh*
I would be very open about sex, but more about what "cheap" really means and such. I think those who feel you must only have sex within the bonds of a loving relationship might want to read the book "Slut!" by Leora Tanenbaum. Healthy respectful consensual sex can happen between two friends or people who barely know one another.

I actually hope my daughter doesn't get an idea in her head she has to be in loooove to have sex. I see so many teenage girls screwed up over being in love (whether they're having sex or not!) and a lot of it is because they think they need to be in love to justify having sex.


I agree. Some time ago, my general belief and the words I used with my daughter were "....commited adult relationship." I have definitely changed my wording and thinking and I resonate more with "...loving adult relationship..." However, you have me thinking again -- and I really do agree that consentual sex, regardless of a relationship or "love" is perfectly OKAY for my friends, family, etc. So, I think I need to take a look at the language I use when discussing sex with my daughter. Gosh, this thread is great and I'M LEARNING SO MUCH!!!


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

Mutually respectful (adult) relationship


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## Coffee Mom (Dec 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Curious Me*
Wow, Jan. I'm not quite to the point you are (my daughter is almost 15 and is not currently seeing anybody seriously), but I have to say, I respect and admire the way you handle your situation with your girls. I hope, when the time comes, that I can be just as open-minded and accepting of what I, too, believe is natural and normal. I would bet that you and your girls probably have a very close and honest relationship -- yes?

Yes we do have a pretty close relationship most of the time. I've always believed in good communication and nothing is off limits to talk about. I think its healthier that way, and they are well aware of some of my past mistakes. I read someplace 5 or 6 yrs ago, that when talking about difficult issues, you ask your kids WWYD (what would you do) in certain situations. We don't always see eye to eye but we have wonderful enlightening discussiions. They have fun second guessing some of my past decisions (ugh) but it's all about growing up healthy and happy. Hugs, Jan


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## cuqui (Apr 14, 2004)

This thead is extremely interesting and eye opening. My girls are only 4 & 6 but it's never too soon to be prepared.

I haven't heard too much mention about dads in these threads, just curious, do your sig others have much to say about this issue, do they answer the questions in the same way? How close a relationship do your teens have with dad? Do you think that has any bearing?

I have one 19 yr niece who is not sexually active (my brother is very very strict, and I know she would never disappoint him, btw, he married a virgin as a virgin at 22), I have another niece, 22 yrs old with a baby who has been sexually active since 15 (my brother divorced her mom when she was 16, and my brother was sexually active at 15, had 1st child at 19), she and my brother did not have a close relationship and he was not very strict. Don't know if it makes a difference but it seems to in their cases. Just curious to dad's role.

Thanks to all for sharing your thoughts and experience!


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

My dh is not my teenage son's father. We got married when my son was 9 years old. So, although he is surprisingly close to his stepfather, he is closer to me and feels mor comfortable talking to me. Also, my dh has been deployed since July so I'm the only one available to talk to right now. My son does talk to his stepdad and is still very open and candid with him. I think my dh may be a little more timid about talking about sex partly because he comes from a more conservative(?) family and partly because the teenager is not his bio child. My dh goes along with whatever I do or say and I try to support and encourage him to talk to my son as much as possible. His bio father is not around at all.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cuqui*
I haven't heard too much mention about dads in these threads, just curious, do your sig others have much to say about this issue, do they answer the questions in the same way? How close a relationship do your teens have with dad? Do you think that has any bearing?


Dh and I tend to discuss parenting things as they come up--*I* love discussing this stuff, even in a hypothetical way, but he leans more towards waiting until we're faced with an issue. While we both talk to our kids about these things, I'm the one who's with them more often--aside from the fact that I'm a sahm, he works long hours, so most parenting stuff falls to me.


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## wkh (Feb 15, 2005)

My kids' dad is in denial that either, particularly his daughter, will ever be sexually active LOL.

I do notice my friends with good relationships with their dads waited longer and had better experiences. Lots less of that teenage girl heartbroken psycho drama angst I went through.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BooBerryParker*
That is the sentiment I couldn't put into words when speaking about my own experience. After thinking on this a while longer...I think the word _protect_ is what people are getting hung up on. What should kids be _protected_ from? I don't have an answer to this, only my own experience with it. Again mamas, thanks for making me think about this issue long before I have to actually deal with it!









I haven't read all the posts yet but I just have to respond to this one.
I try to tell my daughter that it is my responsibility to protect her for the adult she will someday become.
When I make decisions regarding her I think to myself, how will I have to answer for this decision when she is twenty five? Thirty?
I hope that when she is an adult she will not have lingering problems that I may have prevented by setting more limits. STD's can cause lifetime fertility problems, unplanned pregnancy could affect her for a lifetime. So I think about that thirty year old woman who will be and think about what kind of life she is going to want and what kinds of choices she will want to make and I want to help the child she still is become that adult she wants to be.
Currently she is a child, and therefore it is my responsibility to make sure that when her judgment fails (and it will because she is a child and is still working on it) I am there to be backup.
I do believe that I will want to be open with her when she is a mature teen and sexually active. I would actively discourage such behavior with all my might until she is maybe 17 or so.
Of course, dh says she can't date till she is 30.
Joline


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## malibusunny (Jul 29, 2003)

my son is 8 months old







:

*1. Pay for their condoms or bc?*
Send them to planned parenthood.
*2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?*
depends on age and the other child's parent. probably no.
*3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?*
privacy
*4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?*
absolutely we talk.
*5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?*
depends on situation, obviously, but i would be open about my feelings without dictating "you stop that"







:


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I have a while before I have to worry about this this dd, but I am 22 so I just went through this a few years ago. The pressure to have sex nowdays is enormous, I started having sex at 15 (after "fooling around" for several years), and I was the oldest virgin out of everyone I knew, and these were what you would term as "good kids". My parents were not very open about sex, of course I knew all about it, but it was never a conversation topic. And I did have sex with a number of boys before I met DH at 17, none of my partners and I were in a relation ship. One thing I feel is very important to talk about with your teen is how to say no. We would be fooling around, and I would get afraid to say no, and so I wouldn't. I do plan on buying my dd condoms and if she is in a realtionship then her boyfriend can sleep over or vice versa. I would rather have them at my house then other places.You would not imagine the lengths I went to to have sex, or the places that I did it at.


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

I find this thread really interesting. Although I only have a 1 year old son I'd like to respond. I wonder if I'll change my mind in 12 years.

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
I will definitely make them available and educate them on all their birth control options.
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
Definitely. You're kidding yourself if you think not allowing sex in your house is going to stop your kids. I would rather them have it at home in a place of love than in the back of a car, or in the woods, etc
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
Privacy. I'm much more concerned about my children treating themselves and others with respect than whether or not they have consensual sex.
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
I plan to be open with him from day 1
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
I don't really feel like it's my business. It's his body. I just hope I can help give him the self worth to protect his body.


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## mommykof5 (Mar 15, 2005)

Okay I have to reply to this one. I have a 13 yo thankfully he is not even interested in girls sexualy yet but we do talk.

Now coming from the standpoint of myself as a 16yo mother. At 16 I knew everything. I went to the health dept by myself and received birth control pills. Sex was never discussed at my house. What I wish had happened... I wish someone would have talked to me, treated me as a person on the brink of alduthood. Even though we say 16 is still a child society has children growing up way to fast. The person could not have been my mother though WAY TOO WEIRD. Perhaps a true and trusted woman who has btdt. One of the things I have told my son is that if you love this person so much that you would share you body with then why would you want to take the chance and get her pg. Why would you want other people to shun her or pity her. Because that's what will happen. If you are man enough to share a most intimate part of yourself then you are man enough to want the best for your child. Is it best for you to only be able to see your child on weekends or to worry that your child needs something and you can not provide it. For a girl I hope that I will have tought them that their body is precious a vey precious gift to be offered to someone who touches your soul. I want them to think what can this person offer me? Love, support, a happy future? I want them to think of theirself and have a respect for their body that they can say no. I wish someone had instilled that confiidence in my value as a woman. Only I found it a lot latter. Let them know how you feel why you feel that way and then let them know that they have to stand up for what they want and make their own choices in life. Trust me... should you choose a blind eye or choose to have and "open" bedroom policy kids will find a way to do what they want. Talk to you children but not as a parent to a child as a woman to woman or friend. Do it with respect and dignity. And dear lord stress the importance of protection from STD's 2/3 of 15 - 19 yo has one form of std or another. Genital Warts are in 2 out of three women. It is the leading cause of cervial cancer. And HIV/AIDS is so scary. Teach respect...respect for their own body. Build them up so they can say I am worth it. "Should I choose to say no I am precious and worth it. If a guy doesn't think so then how would he react if I had said yes and gotten pg?" or "I would like to have sex but I am worth protecting." And let them know that condoms are great protection but htey do not always work in the case of say herpes or warts being someplace a condom does not cover. However they are SO IMPORTANT. I was talking to one girl and she said "But I could never go buy condoms. And I said if you can not walk into any store and pick up a box of condoms then why do you think you are ready to put the weight of sex on your back. Are you truly ready to carry such a heavy load?"

On a personal note I had already had my ds when I met my dh and although I would never trade my precious child for the world there is part of me that so truly wishes that I could have shared my most special gift with my husband.

I talk to teens about sex. I have been there and done it. I was pg at 15 and delivered at 16. I did finish high school and have several degrees and certifications. I know how hard it is and the heart break when your "lover" turns and walks away. I know what it's like to be shunned. From the kids at school (who all were having sex too) to the pareants who know think your a bad influence or their child will "catch pregnancy" from you. If I can help pm me. And I am not trying to be nosey or bossy just helpful.


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DustysSweety03*
I will let dd's boyfriend stay in her room but the door has to stay wide open all night, but then again i may change my mind about that.



Grr, I just made a long post and I hit the wrong buttom and somehow opened up overstock.com or some other website.







: Anyway, long story short.....

I didn't even have a door on my bedroom but my boyfriend and I still managed to have sex. :LOL My parents were very religious and very strict, but would let him sleep over, but he had to sleep on the couch (I think those were the only times we DIDN'T have sex. :LOL). On the other side, even after we were married his parents wouldn't even let me sleep at their home during a short time him and I were separated.







Shows you how different families are about sex.









My oldest is 12 and we talk about sex. I want all my kids to know how to say no when they want to, and if they want to say yes, I want them know how to be protected and to know the consequences of having sex. I think they need to know that if they are adult enough to have sex then they better make sure they are also adult enough to have a baby because no birth control is 100% (And that they WILL have to be responsible if a pregnancy does occur. I will help out of course, but they are the parent and they would have to be responsible for taking care of the child.). To me age has nothing to do with that really, so each child will be different. You could have a girl/boy that would be more capable of having a child at 15 than someone else at 25. I just hope that they will use common sense and NEVER be afraid to say no or to talk to me or their father, or someone at school, or any other adult they feel comfortable with if they have questions or concerns. That's why I've started talking about sex with them early. We've talked about it for years. All of my kids know at least something about sex and their ages are, 5, 7, 10 & 12.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

This is a great thread! I was inspired to talk to my 7 yr old dd after reading it tonight so I asked her what the kids at her school had to say about sex. She said, "you're finally going to talk to me about sex, huh, I thought you would have already- like two years ago. I've seen the commercials that say you're supposed to." It turns out that if they see TV they know we are supposed to be talking to them even this young. She also said that the "code of children" forbid talking about these things with adult supervision- she is funny. So...basically I got nowhere but now I know that I had better get with because the time is at hand.

Would I provide BC? YES. Bulk condoms (so they won't think I'm counting) will be in an unwatched drawer. I'm not sure about chemical BC since it worries me that it might make it less likely that condoms are used and diseases are a bigger fear for me than babies.

Sleepovers? YES- exact age I'm not sure and I would probably have to like or at least not intens. dislike the guy/girl.

Communication? She already knows a lot of the biology and now it looks like it is time to open the doors to the physical part. I hope to have a really open, comfortable relationship with my children.

I hope that I can teach her that her body is her own and that no one can make decisions for her body but her. NOT EVEN ME. I also worry about the whole virgin worship, sex=love or it is bad for you, and people will not respect you arguments. Sex does NOT equal love or even collide with love for a lot of people and they are happy and well-adjusted. I want her to respect herself and only share her "gifts" with people who respect both her and themselves. I have been having sex since I was 14 and I do not regret doing it so young or the person that I picked.

I noticed a couple of posts stating that if an older (18-21) guy was having sex with their daughter that they would go all out to do something about it and that really worries me. If it really was a rape definitely do something but if it was just the age gap PLEASE DON'T. Visit a prison and see if your anger over the situation really warrants ruining his life- because it will. After prison and all the abuse there they will have to register as sex offenders for the rest of their life.


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## Thursday Girl (Mar 26, 2004)

Another recent teen answering. i am 23 w/ a 2 year old DD. Unplanned, but elated.

my Dad didn't allow my BF and I in the room with the door closed. i missed out on having sex w/ my first love, and ended up being dateraped at 15. (i lived with my mom then and she worked constantly so didn't know what i was up to)

I wish my dad could have been cooler about things and I could have started my sexual life on a good note. I ended up spending years in bad situations (although there is other issues to that as well) I definetley wish someone had talked to me or offered Condoms or anything. The funny thing my mom was always so open when i was younger. But after my parents divorce both my parents changed so much.

would i offer condoms/bc? yes i would. i don't know about BC b/c i just don't trust that and have seen my firends go thorugh hell well on it.

would I let them sleep together in my house>? It completely depends on the relationship, emotional development and the person they are sleeping with. oh and if i can gewt DH to agree with it, which I probably can't.
I had a BF who's mother let me sleep there. it was nice.
and my dh and i were not allowed to sleep in the same room at his pops house and then after a week they left us in the house alone, and that's how we got Jewely. (as i said i don't trust BC and we didn't have any condoms, amd it had been a week)

do we communicate? she is two now and I tell her what things are, and I tell her it is ok for her to touch herslef (unless she's nursing because that makes me uncomfterable. then i just pop her off) I plan on being quite open

Privacy? I am not going to read her journals or anything. not going to search her room (i think) hopefully i will always be involved in her life so she feels she can talk to me then privacy won't be an issue.

what was the other one?? I can't rmember sorry i am tired.

Courtney


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PoppyMama*
I noticed a couple of posts stating that if an older (18-21) guy was having sex with their daughter that they would go all out to do something about it and that really worries me. If it really was a rape definitely do something but if it was just the age gap PLEASE DON'T. Visit a prison and see if your anger over the situation really warrants ruining his life- because it will. After prison and all the abuse there they will have to register as sex offenders for the rest of their life.

I'm not saying send them to jail, but I don't think young teenage girls (under 18) should be dating guys in their 20's. Speaking from personal experience here, they can get pushy, and you know that nearly all of them are going to want to have sex. If my daughter wanted to date a 22 year old at 16 I would say no way because I did at that age and I was pressured into sex WAY too early by him. There are many 20 somethings out there for men that age, and I feel that's who they should seek out, not young teens. And depending on the age difference, then it IS molestation in my book. JMO.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AnnMarie*
I don't think young teenage girls (under 18) should be dating guys in their 20's. Speaking from personal experience here, they can get pushy, and you know that nearly all of them are going to want to have sex. If my daughter wanted to date a 22 year old at 16 I would say no way because I did at that age and I was pressured into sex WAY too early by him.

Just goes to show that everyone's experiences are different. MY personal experience was the exact opposite - the high school boys were MUCH pushier than the older guys ever were. If you think that "nearly all" of the high school boys aren't overrun with hormones and wanting sex then you are kidding yourself IMO.


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kirsten*
Just goes to show that everyone's experiences are different. MY personal experience was the exact opposite - the high school boys were MUCH pushier than the older guys ever were. If you think that "nearly all" of the high school boys aren't overrun with hormones and wanting sex then you are kidding yourself IMO.

My best friend and I just discussed this. She said under no circumstances will she allow her teen daughter (she has no children yet) to date a man in his twenties. I on the other hand think it depends on my daughter's maturity level at that age, and the man she chooses to date.
I had both experiences. I lost my virginity to a man of 20 just after my 16th birthday. A few months later he broke up with me and I was heart broken, but I grew from that experience. I wanted to lose my virginity, it was my choice. It always bothered him that I wouldn't give him oral sex, that I wasn't comfortable with at that time. Thought it sounded yucky.
Still at age 16 I started dating a man who was 21. Now when I look back on this it frightens the crap out of me that my parents were so cool with me dating either of these men, BUT the second relationship lasted for close to 5 years and they were really amazing years. He never pressure me into anything, always listened to my point of view on the world, nobody had ever listed to what I had to say. This was a huge boost to my self esteem. He was so supportive of my education, and of me writing music. Before him I hadn't shared my voice, my songs, or stores with anybody. Thanks to him in my life, my future was much more bright. My career choices have been brave, and my life has had more color.
I really believe if I had not had this relationship I would be a much different person. I might still be shy, hidden, and afraid to share myself. Plus he might have been the very best lover I have experienced in my life.
Now that I have a daughter I hope to be the person who shares those ideals with her, and not a man she dates. But in my life it was a God sent.


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

1. Pay for their condoms or bc? There will be condoms in the home. But I really believe if you are old enough to be having sex, you are also old enough to buy your own birth control.

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house? I don't think I could stop sex happening in my home if I wanted to. I don't believe I will allow sleep overs of the oposite sex though. There is plenty of time for sleepovers later when they leave my home.

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk? Privacy. I give my daughter privacy now, and she is only 4.

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject? We have already talked about sex. Well the information was much more basic, as my daughter is only 4. I think it's important to talk to your children from a very early age on all subjects. With the information they can understand at their age level.

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity? Before age 16 for some reason it would really bothers me. This is my hang up. I will present my daughter with the facts to make her own choice, but I would really love if she could wait until after age 16 for sex. There is something really special about starting to date, and kissing, maybe some petting, but nothing else. It's innocent and I have so many good memories of sweet times like that. I worry that if my daughter is all the way sexually active before 16, some of this special time gets lost.

A few ideas I have had about the future.
My neice (9yo) is VERY private. She has a hard time talking to my sister about almost anything. It's just her nature. When my sister and her husband were divorcing, my neice was drawing a lot of disturbing pictures (which we thought was great, it was her way of expressing herself) but my sister wished that she could get her dd to open up more. I bought a really beautiful journal, and gave it to my sister. I thought she could write something in the journal about how sometimes feelings are hard to share. That if her dd ever had anything that she wanted to talk about, or ask questions about she could write it in here, then place the book on my sisters bed. Then my sister would write back, and place the book on my neices bed. My neice LOVED this. Started to write more and more in the book about her feelings, and now has a much better attitude about talking to my sister in general. I thought I would do this with my dd when she starts to write. I think that in her teen years if she has a question, that might seem like the most embarissing thing EVER to ask her MOM :rollseyes she might feel better writing it down. This idea came from my own childhood when I was a lot like my neice. My mother was so open with sex, and being a woman, but when I got my period I wrote my mom a note telling her I needed pads, and that I never wanted her to bring this up EVER with me. :LOL I was a weird kid.

Second. I have a real problem with oral sex being so popular with young people these days. Not because it shouldn't happen, but because I suspect that this means that boys are getting it and girls are getting squat. In any respectful sexual relationship, it's two ways. I hope to instill in my daughter that if she wants to have sex, she should also be able to tell the person she is having sex with what feels good, what doesn't. What she is comfortable with, and what she isn't. Plus a good measure of a man who wants oral sex is to say "Okay, you do me first". Then see what he says.


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## madhousemommy (Apr 10, 2005)

I am so glad I found "a place to discuss teens"!
My oldest dd is 14 and this has come up with my dh and I regularly for the last 2 years, she is not sexually active... yet!But we know its comeing and we are taking a Proactive approach.
1. *Pay for their condoms or bc?* Yes! She will see an OB/gyn for the Bc and condoms...I want her to be fully aware..not just talk to us but a professional as well. I do not think that paying for them just gives her the right to go around willy nilly...I think its a lil archaic to think just because they are useing protection they will turn into the village whore. C'mon, maybe they will, hopefully not. We can only hold their hands for so long...they will pull away from us, hopefully they will come to us on serious issues. If you are completly honest and open they most likely will!
I am sure at this level the issues of "having sex with someone you have deep feelings for has been discussed" & "havieng casual sex and the consequenes of that behavior" should have been addressed. KWIM? They have with us!
2. *Allow them to sleep together at your house*? No, not knowingly, but if I am not at the house, who is to say they wont, come on we all were there once.....sneakin around!!!








*3. Give them Privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk*.Privacy yes! I am a pretty observant parent and does her laundry!








*4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do avoid the subject?* Yes we talk about sex...in fact a friend of hers will be a daddy at age 16! She told me about it and the door was wide open for the real serious discussion. we had always talked but this time at a very deep level! Avoiding the "talk" is just plain stupid and asking for trouble. There are girls in the 8th grade doing the deed already.....and in high school, well lets just say if you dont know what tossed salad is, you better do some research....kids are doing all sorts of weird stuff to avoid havieing natural intercourse, some of which is dangerous, all for the sanctity of remaining a virgin...HELLO!
*5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it)the decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?* I will accept it, but she will have a better understanding of the whole issue than I did. I am sure she will, we are way ahead of where my parents were on this issue! We do not sweep issues like this under the rug. I have told her sex should always be with someone special....and if anyone "pressures" you into haveing sex, well they just want a piece of ass and are not really worth it! They will not respect you at all, if they cant respect you on this issue! So respect yourself, your body and your reputation!!!! If our teens know where we stand on the issue of sex, they will more than likely follow in our footsteps. I was pg at 19 and left on my own to deal "with it" I dont want my daughter to make the same mistakes I did, so its my job as a parent to give her the best guidance possible, If I do not start her on the right path, well, history just may repeat itself!
"one cannot just keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results"
*Be Proactive on the Issue*








Val,


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

Quote:

I'm not saying send them to jail, but I don't think young teenage girls (under 18) should be dating guys in their 20's. Speaking from personal experience here, they can get pushy, and you know that nearly all of them are going to want to have sex. If my daughter wanted to date a 22 year old at 16 I would say no way because I did at that age and I was pressured into sex WAY too early by him. There are many 20 somethings out there for men that age, and I feel that's who they should seek out, not young teens. And depending on the age difference, then it IS molestation in my book. JMO.
A couple of posts did sound like they were advocating going to the authorities about an older boy/man dating a younger girl/woman. I am not saying that parents don't have the right to scrutinize who their children are dating and even forbid certain people. I don't believe that picking friends/lovers works, if there has been a history of mutual respect I think that choices can be influenced, I have a real problem with the statuatory rape law because I feel that it is badly applied and laid out. If it was an accepted rule in our society that people over 18 (even one day) NEVER EVER dated anyone under 16 then it would be different but the law basically imprisons and makes life long sex offenders out people who do not deserve it. Beyond the unfairness of a law is how unfair the trials are, talk about a trial that hinges on how much the jury likes the defendant. My sweet grandmother sat on a statuatory rape trial and I was appalled when she talked about it. I felt like disowning her for a minute.


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## SparrowMom (May 20, 2005)

My, my, my,

Where were all of you when I was going through this earlier this year? What a refreshing, lovely group you are. I have been looking for moms who are willing to listen and understand.

When I read the questions about what you would do or allow I smiled. There is no allow and the do is up to you to figure out. I asked my daughter if she and her wonderful boyfriend were sexually active (she was 16, he was 17), thinking about it, etc...oh no Mom, nope. I told her I was not questioning her to control her except that I wanted her protected if they were making that choice. I could tell by their actions toward each other, the affection and closeness that we were getting near that situation. My daughter is an honor student, was very strong in her belief not to have premarital sex and a great kid. She also felt the need to lie to me about her sexual activity because she was embarrassed and confused about how quickly her beliefs went out the window when she met this young man. However, she left her bc pill container in bf's glove compartment and I found them looking for something he asked me to get for him. I was relieved actually because the point was to get her on bc. I told her I found them and that I was not mad but glad that she was being responsible. She told me that HE would not consider sleeping with her (they were both virgins) before she was on bc for two months and they used condoms the first few times. He had a much older sister who became pg at 15 and would not do that to her or himself. I was conflicted each step of the way when the reality met my beliefs.... I KNEW that I didn't want my daughter getting married young for reasons of sex, but I didn't count on my mixed feelings about my daughter's sexuality, my having a normal relationship with the boy knowing he was sleeping with my daughter,and what I could accept in my house. They have now been together for a year and a half, he is a treasure as a human being, and he stays with us when he is home from college, my daughter just graduated from HS. They do not share a room at my house but I know they make love at home when we are not aware. They are completely respectful and now that she is 18, out of HS, will be going to the same college as he does- I now have to make another mind shift. They will be sharing a dorm like apartment with her older sister, separate rooms, separate baths, but I now have to decide, if they share a bed there, do I let them do that at home. I think so, but I'll just have to see. It is not easy at all. He is certainly in love with her very much. She loves him very much. They are, in fact, very much like a married couple but I would NOT want them married now especially just for my "comfort zone." He is as polite to me as he would be to his own mother if she were alive and is as honest as the day is long. They joke with me about the sleeping together in a healthy way at times but they all know I'm up tight in some ways and gently tease me out of it. I love them both very much and want them to be able to love each other at this time in their lives. Was any of this actually my choice to control? No. They slept together before he left for college and not at my house. Could I have stopped this with supervision? Nope. Could I have talked her out of it? Nope, she never intended to feel what she felt for him and pushed HIM into sleeping with her. As she said the classic line to me, "Mom, I have never felt anything like this before!" and that was before they slept together. We were not part of the equation at that point in her life except that she said he reminds her of her sweet Dad. We have been married 24 years and we did sleep together before we married, and we survived. I am only grateful that she is in a monogamous relationship with someone who obviously cares for her dearly and is open enough to let her Dad and I know about her needs and wants. Its scary and I would like a commitment in a way, but they are still so young and much time must pass before they could be in a position to be married.

Keep your minds open and wish the best on all our children.


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## MrsMoe (May 17, 2005)

I do not have teensas of yet, I have a 7 year old... my husband and I were JUST discussing this the other day. This is how I rpedict I would/will react...

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
_Yes_

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
_Depends - I say maybe - husband says no way_

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
_Privacy if it is earned/deserved_

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
_Openly communicate (we already do, our 7 year old knows all about sex)_

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
_Accept if there is no convincing... would depend on age, situation, attitude..._


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## MrsMoe (May 17, 2005)

In response to some of the posts here...

I'm not Catholic, I'm not religious. I am not spiritual either. Facts are humans are animals, and sleeping, eating, breathing, and procreation (aka sex) are all normal human functions. I won't play ostrich and pretend things are any different. Let alone for a hormone craze juvenile.

Sex isn't always sacred. Sex can be a lot of fun! It's a normal human function, and while I feel promiscuity is a mask for possible insecurity or abuse issues... I also think it's normal and natural for a person to have an active healthy sex life, with or without a serious relationship.

*The issue for me? A person needs to be emotionally ready for sex, and make the approriate choices when it comes to sex.*

Safe sex for starters! Not just pregnancy, but also sexually transmitted diseases. I do not feel a 15 year old is ready emotionally for sex... to be honest I am not sure an 18 year old is ready for sex either, but legally, and 18 year old is an adult... BUT! if my daughter has sex at this age (15 ir 16) and she very well could, I plan on making SURE she is using birth control and knows how to use/has access to a condom.


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

SparrowMom, thanks for sharing your post.


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## mama_daba (Dec 7, 2004)

i don't have any kids yet but when i do and when they are teens . . .

1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
yes definitly, it is what my partner and i use now and what we will probably always use so we will keep them where the teens can find them and make sure they know where they are and that they are welcome to take them

2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
yes as long as i feel comfortable with the individual, i would rather they sleep together make love in a safe home than in a car or someplace else

3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
give them privacy, of course iw ould give them privacy, i will treat them with the same respect i want to be treated with

4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
i will be very open and communicate about sex

5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?
i will respect them and hope they make good healthy choices in life and use protection when they are sexualy active

if i have girls i will talk to them about the importance of condoms and stds, as well as if i have a son, birth control pills and hormones are kinda scary to me, if she wants more protection than condoms iw ill take her to see a doctor and advice her to use a barrier method, but i will encurage her to also use condoms


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## mama_daba (Dec 7, 2004)

p.s.
i will strongly encurage my kids to practice safe sex by not needing to use a condom with mutual masterbationa nd stuff like that, and i will make sure they understand that condoms can protect them from some stuff tehre is a lot of stuff it won't protect them from, and that the only way to be safe is to not do a lot of sex stuff, but i will let them know that two people can still have sex and do it safely without risk of pregnancy or std's


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## MajaKatrina (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Coffee Mom*
Hi everyone, a friend and I had a discussion at work last night about how you deal with your teens that are sexually active. Other than keeping them safe and giving them guidance, do you or would you when your kids were older:
1. Pay for their condoms or bc?
2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?
3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?
4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?
5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?

I have 2 daughters 14 and 16, and my friend has a 15 yo son, all of our kids are active unfortunately, and her and i have way differing views on how we are dealing with this. Would love to hear some comments, I'll share mine later. Hugs







Jan

Wow, my daughter is 12, and these questions want to make me run away and hide my head, lol

until she is 18 i will strong suggest not having intercourse at all, no acceptions-

that being said, i fooled around as a teen between like 16-18 and am not sure what my mom knew and didnt...although she offered to take me to the dr to get on the pill when i left for college...
this post has me thinking that is for sure...

Catherine


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## nonconformnmom (May 24, 2005)

My now almost-18 year old daughter approached me at age 16 and calmly, matter-of-factly, asked me for birth control. Stifling my motherly protective instincts that screamed NO!, I calmly, rationally discussed it with her. I told her that I do not agree with it, but I respect her right to decide for herself and I commended her maturity in talking to me about it. I took her to our family physician and we got the patch for her (the doctor and I both discussed at length the fact that the patch does not protect from STDs and that they still need to use a condom etc.). She had been in a monogamous (at least on her side) relationship with her boyfriend for 3 years; in fact, they are still together more than a year later.

*1. Pay for their condoms or bc?* I told her I would pay for the first 3 months and then she and her boyfriend would have to share the cost and pay for it themselves. I stressed to her that she needs to get her boyfriend to help pay; it's not fair for him to expect her to bear the entire financial brunt of their birth control.

*2. Allow them to sleep together at your house?* No, I would never allow it but I know they do when I am not there. I also know that her boyfriends' parents allow it at their house and in fact, encourage it.









*3. Give them privacy or do you watch over them like a hawk?* Privacy. _I don't want to know!_ LALALALALALALALALA









*4. Do you communicate with them about sex or do you avoid the subject?* We talk about it a lot. We have very open communication for which I do not take credit but I am ever so grateful.

*5. Do you accept (not necessarily like it) their decisions to be active or do you try to convince them to stop their sexual activity?* I accept but do not like, which is exactly what I told her. I told her that I knew I would never be able to stop them from doing it, so I am glad they are both taking the mature approach and being upfront with us about it.


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## SparrowMom (May 20, 2005)

Howdy Moms,

I do believe it must make a very large difference in your approach when there are younger children in the home. I very much respect all of the Moms who feel that they must prohibit overnights or obvious signs of lovemaking by older sibs when they could be influencing the decisions of or compromising the childhood innocence of younger sibs. That is a tough decision and one that must be measured carefully. Even though we can come to accept sex as a normal expression of our older adolencent children's deep feelings for another person (and I have to a degree), younger members of our family (and society really) should have the benefit of protection from growing up too soon. There will be no revolving "beds" in my home.... ever. Still, I have learned to bend in some ways and grow as a person about what is acceptable because of the dear hearts involved. I'm still learning and sore from all the bending.....

In my situation, I have a college age girl and an 18 year old recent high school graduate who is the one in the serious relationship. I do not have young children in the home. How difficult the balancing act can be in that situation and I hope those parents can find a comfort zone. That makes parenting the tough job it is, however rewarding......


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

Ladies, you blow me away.









So many of you share such respectful relationships with your children. They will look back on this time positively and pass this goodness that you have shared on to their own families.

What sparrowmum describes is how I felt my relationship with my husband evolving. I shared it with my parents and they knew that he was very special to me. However, this happened when I was 26 and already had 2 children from my first marriage.

I didn't consider myself to be immature in any way when I was 18, and I wasn't a virgin when I met my first husband, but I think I went down a path which I felt I couldn't turn back on and we ended up with a child, then married beofre I was 20. I chose badly, and things turned out badly too. I don't blame my parents, we had what I thought were open discussions about relationships and my mum was concerned about the possibility of pregnancy and disease. In fact he was the first person I had slept with without a condom. What happened there? I do not know.

My son talks to me about me being a young parent and he says he is proud of what I have a chieved, but he doesn't want that for himslef. I don't want my children to 'learn from my mistakes', but I do want them to know that I will be there in happiness or sadness, which can both come from sexual relationships.

You have all given me hope for the future and ideas for ways of approaching new phases of my relationship with each of my children. Thank you for your wisdom.


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## Mountaingirl3 (May 21, 2005)

I wanted to post my experience because it greatly influences what we do with our daughters.

My parents expected me to save sex for marriage. "Premarital sex is wrong" and that was the end of our communication about sex.

I did wait until 17. I got HPV from the first guy (who said he was a virgin). It gave me severe dysplasia--probably because I was in college, not eating well or taking care of myself. I had a cone biopsy and they took out enough of my cervix to make it incompetent (can't hold the weight of pregnancy).

In order to carry my dd's to term, I had to have an internal cerclage (gortex band around the neck of the uterus) placed through abdominal surgery. I've also had to have three c-sections--no vaginal exit. It's a lot to give up vaginal birth . . .

As a result of this, I can't view teenaged sex as just for fun. There are risks of diseases without cures, despite the condom. It's best if you are mature enough to comprehend the possible long-term effects of things like genital herpes, HPV, and abortion. IMO, a 14 year old can not fully grasp the consequences. Therefore, it would be a parent's responsibility to help protect her while her brain developes better abstract thinking and impulse control.

So, we will talk with our dds about sex from toddlerhood right on up. We'll emphasize that it's a big and complex decision that can't be reversed--when in doubt, WAIT. I think kids tend to, even unconsciously, try to meet parental expectations, so we'll let them know that we expect them to be open with us when they're considering having sex. That way, we can help them evaluate how ready they are. We'll talk to them about human nature and how people tend to lie when it comes to sex/STDs. We'll expect them to go with prospective partners to be tested at an STD clinic before having sex, and would help them do this if they wanted help.

Also, we plan to encourage them to fill their lives with fun and adventure. Sports, drama, dance, music, animals, travel, whatever their passion is. We hope they love all the outdoor activities we do--backpacking, camping, sailing, rock-climbing, skiing--and they'll have all kinds of opportunities for these. I truly believe that a 13-16 year old should have enough new and exciting things to do without needing to try sex. If they do feel the need, I hope they'll let us know so that we can remind them how to be as safe as possible. As for oral sex, I think that's a good alternative with a partner who's been tested for herpes, AIDS etc.

Our hope is that they wait until about 17. Then, I feel that their choices will be well informed, and they'll be ready to deal wisely with whatever sex brings with it.


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## Mountaingirl3 (May 21, 2005)

Just read trinity's post. Opps! Hadn't occurred to me that oral sex might not be reciprocal. Good point--I hope my dds wouldn't be with such a self-centered guy, but might as well talk to them about the possibility!


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mountaingirl3*
I truly believe that a 13-16 year old should have enough new and exciting things to do without needing to try sex.

This is my thought as well. I might sound like a total prude for this
(and believe me I am far FAR from) but in my heart I feel a young
woman 13-16 who is having sex needs a hobby instead. I am not
condemning any of the Mama's who's daughters have decided to have
sex before 16. I just think it's kinda sad. I still think of girls that
age as just that, girls.


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mountaingirl3*
Just read trinity's post. Opps! Hadn't occurred to me that oral sex might not be reciprocal. Good point--I hope my dds wouldn't be with such a self-centered guy, but might as well talk to them about the possibility!

Talk to a teen age girl. Ask her how many times a boy has asked
for oral sex. Then ask her how many times boys have offered to
give her oral sex. THEN ask her if she feels comfortable asking for
oral sex. You will get some eye opening answers.
I don't even think that some of the boys are "self-centered". I really
think that the thought of going down on a girl doesn't enter their mind.
I also think girls aren't brave enough to ask. It's a odd concept to me
that oral sex is joked and talked about so much with young people.
It's as normal as a good night kiss to many, but they are only talking
about boys receiving. Which shows their maturity level. If it's not
mutual enjoyment between two people, then they are too young
to be enjoying anything.


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## SparrowMom (May 20, 2005)

I agree that children should be children as long as possible. It is so difficult to fight the culture of casual sex... and we all live in fear of an experience for our children like the betrayed mom with HPV. My heart goes out to her, she sounds like such a great mom. I'm glad she is using her experience in such a positive way and I appreciate the sharing. I'm afraid sometimes that kids don't realize that they need a lot of time to figure out if a new bf or gf is honest in general so sex must wait until then. How sad the consequences are so devastating. I'm too old to even understand encouraging oral sex...I mean that, I'm an older mom and whew... The friends with benefits, casual stuff hurts my heart and has me scared to death for those kids. THAT kind of sex is truly difficult to picture our kids involved in...and it does happen with all kinds of kids.

Perhaps I would have to admit that having my daughter in a STD safe, monogamous relationship with a truly loving partner is less "accepted" by me as what I would want her to do but is more a point of relief that, if she is going to be sexually active, she is with this boy who truly is a fine, decent person. They talk marriage, they talk future, their relationship is not based on sex but who really knows what the future holds when you are so young. For now, they truly belong to each other and that is what I focus on I guess. My daughter is as safe as a sexually active human being can be in this world today.

As for activities for the younger teens that mom suggested, I say my goodness, what a great bonding experience.... hang the prevent sex aspect.... the positives of that will last a lifetime. Can I come, too? Seriously,however, this would provide prevention of opportunity especially for younger teens but I hope that moms realize that there may come a time when a child believes they are truly in love and will make that step without using parents as a resource. Hopefully all those good words we have been whispering in their ears for years can have an impact. My daughter was a classical musician in two orchestras, two chamber groups, played in shows, went to a performing arts high school where she was an honor student.... she was busy and not "looking for love" .... it found her. Where there is a will, there is a way and, in all honesty, wouldn't we want our dd or ds to experience a truly loving relationship rather than casual sex..... if our most treasured choice "abstinence" for them (was it that way for us?







) is not going to happen? I do appreciate that my dd's "first time" was in a shared loving experience which continues to grow to this day. I have asked her, if they were to break up, would there be regret about not waiting. Her emphatic answer was NO!, she said she has learned so much about being in a relationship, loving someone, compromising, how to be a better person, and lastly making love from being with him that she would not trade that experience for anything. We will see, but for now, I consider myself lucky that this is what I have to deal with.

Like it says in Fiddler on the Roof, "but look at my daughter's eyes, she loves him...." tradition!!!


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