# feel like teenager is selfish, lazy and uncaring! help!



## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

i feel like my teenager is very selfish, lazy and uncaring. i am due to have ds#3 any day now. i have been in constant pain (literally) for MONTHS. things that have usually been very easy for me are now very difficult, if not impossible (e.g., walking up the stairs). my problem is that my teenage son is no help at all to me, and much more than that, he is an absolute nightmare to deal with.
In his opinion, there is nothing around the house that needs to be done. His chores are done 1/2 a$$ ALL THE TIME! (or not at all), he complains about everything to the extent that its so much easier for me to do things by myself than to ask him. On top of everything else, he doesn't seem to care AT ALL about my feelings or my health. I can barely walk down the stairs and he is constantly saying "well you walked downstairs for dinner earlier".
I am at my wits end and since we celebrate both holidays, i am at a point right now that I don't want to give him anything for the holidays.
He views christmas and hanukkah as an entitlement...that I should get him everything on his list regardless of his behavior. its as if he doesnt need to behave in order to get what he wants.
these things, along with his constant last minute "you have to do this for me" or "i need this TODAY" are really getting to me.
of course, my hormones are going crazy b/c of this preg., but im not just being a crying, emotional prego woman. dh and i have spoken about this often and don't really know what to do now.
anyone have any advice? PLEASE!!!
thanks
rach


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

I am struggling with similar behavior myself.
I wouldnt tie your resentment up and use it against him for the holidays.
But what I would do is to simply stop participating by doing things for him that he can do for himself and to not allow him to do or have things he wants unless he holds up some responsibility.
Teenagers are very self focused because so much is going on inside them, in their heads, lives bodies. That they can be in some ways oblivious to other things. I dont say this to mean all teens are self centered brats, but just that at this time in their lives it sometimes takes a little extra effort to pull them out of themselves.
My teen also does most of what she does in a half- way. And I am gulity of accepting this sometimes because I am tired of fighting about it and double and triple checking everything.
I wish I had some answers for you, and I know how hard it is to shop and buy gifts for somebody you feel resentful towards and who you feel doesnt deserve it (I felt that way last Christmas with my DD in fact) And certainly I wouldnt get him everythign just because he expects it, but I wouldnt go the lump of coal route either.
Good Luck and I am sorry you are going through this.
Joline


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

ah!! I just typed up a post and its not here!!

Ok let me do this again

I have been where you are, and I think teenagers have 3 things on their minds, friends, themselves and boys/girls. Thats it. So I do not think they are intentionally selfish. At least I can hope lol. My dd is the same as you DS. She wants what she wants, she wants do what she wants etc. I was told that the best way to get them to help out is to stop doing everything for them. They are capable of caring for themselves for the most part, food, cleaning, etc. So let their room go to hell, dont clean up after them when they have eaten, do not wash their clothes and when all he has left are smelly dirty socks and underwear , no clean bowl or spoon for that yummy cereal he might just wash it himself. HTH


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

its cool both posts were from mamas with teens and toddlers. although i dont have a toddler right now, i will have a baby soon (hopefully soon) and its a very interesting dynamic.
im not going to retaliate during the holidays...but i really really want to. he refused to get the holiday stuff out of the attic today until i told him he probably wouldnt get anything for xmas or chanukkah.
and of course his friends never have chores. only him.

thanks for the replies...hope i see more from ppl going through this. i just want to ring his neck (not literally).

rach


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

My teens need a lot. My youngest is already 6, but I know it would be very hard to be pregnant and try to care for all of them at the same time right now. You need to take care of yourself & he's just a needy kid. Maybe hold off on any major decisions until the baby is born.

I can't imagine having to divide my time/emotions between a difficult pregnancy and the hugeness of my 16 yr olds needs right now. He's really so emotionally needy-- i find I need to spend a lot of time talking with him and helping him to feel confident about where he is at right now. My 13 yr old is hs'd , so I have a lot more physical time with her. Not to mention she is simply less intense than her older sib.

Is there anyone else who can help you get the physical stuff done right now? Maybe the teen is conflicted about a pregnant mother and wants to put some distance there at the moment? I'm not saying that's ok, just that it might be something putting a strain on you both?

Maybe it's OK to just play Scrabble with him or watch movier together for now? (I recommend Monty Python. My son and I crack up over that humor). I'd def not try to threaten him by withholding holiday gifts at this point, as it won't help and will make everyone feel worse. Gifts aren't the only, or
the best way to show love, but withholding gifts isn't going to make it all better, kwim?

I'm sure things will seem less difficult once you are out of pain and the baby is in your arms.


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## Tinas3muskateers (May 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aisraeltax*
its cool both posts were from mamas with teens and toddlers. although i dont have a toddler right now, i will have a baby soon (hopefully soon) and its a very interesting dynamic.
im not going to retaliate during the holidays...but i really really want to. he refused to get the holiday stuff out of the attic today until i told him he probably wouldnt get anything for xmas or chanukkah.
and of course his friends never have chores. only him.

thanks for the replies...hope i see more from ppl going through this. i just want to ring his neck (not literally).

rach


I know how you feel. My biggest issue with my teen now, along with the laziness, is trust. God I hate this age. She is so independant and making her own choices. It was so much easier when you make choices for them lol.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I guess I'll be the odd duck out... I hate when someone feels they are entitled to something merely for breathing and living in my house. Yes, of course, love and the like are always in abundance but what is so wrong with saying you're not getting EVERYTHING you want because you're not contributing to the family's well-being as much as you could? I am with those that say let his room go, let his clothes pile up- he'll get to those when he needs to. I think the problem is when it is on common territory. Why should you have to look at his dirty dishes and stuff? I can see how that would drive you crazy







Break out some evil paper plates and plastic (yuk, yuk)? While he may also be feeling like the low man on the totoham pole(sp?), it is still not ok to act "slefish, lazy and caring". You weren't let your toddler get away that why your teenager...


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## kirei (Dec 2, 2004)

Maybe he needs an experience at a soup kitchen, or something like that. Either he'll resent having to go, and ruin the experience for himself... or he'll learn something from it. I don't think it could make things any WORSE, though. Hopefully it would help him think of someone besides himself.

And I definitely agree with not doing everything for him. I started doing my own laundry at 10 or 11.

I'm sorry that things are so hard!







It sounds like you need some help.

Have you tried talking to him, and asking WHY he is being this way? Maybe ask why he resents helping out? Maybe even ask if there is something he feels YOU are doing wrong (because he sounds resentful), that is causing him to treat you this way.

Just like little kids... it seems that acting out is usually a symptom of something else. Of course, he sounds like a "typical" teenager, too.... but maybe things could improve a bit. Communication is always so important.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I agree that communciation is key. I think a good way to have that commnication is to ty and connect in ways that aren't about doing stuff or getting stuff. Hence my suggestion to have some fun together with a game or a shared silly movie. I like Monty Python because it has so many layers to discuss.









Once you connect, the other stuff, like his help and understanding about values and financies re gifts, will be morelikely to follow.

When people feel a disconnct they stop wanting to be a part of a family.


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

thanks again for all the suggestions.
i will try to reply to all.
as for the soup kitchen, he would make the experience miserable for everyone if i tried to get him to do that. i am involved (not as much now as in the past) in many political activiites, and he has had the attitutde of "why do you have to spend so much time/money/etc. on that...you don't really make that much of a difference.". many things that are environmental or political, he rebels against (the political party that he knows i have major issues w/ is apparently the "fav" for all his friends' parents...and i am the "weirdo"). its as if he is rebellig against me and everything i stand for.
as far as the house is concerned, he feels our house is way too big for us (its not...we could use MORE room...ds3 is due any day and we have 4 bedrooms). He would perfer to live in a trailer (there are not that many in this town, but there are some) or a condo/apt. (he has some friends who live in condos/apts), so that there wouldnt be that many chores to do. our driveway is 300 ft. long, so when he has to take the garbage out, he has to walk up and down that. he has to mow the lawn in the summer, etc. EVERYTHING he is suppossed to do is a struggle...if there is a snowstorm, he splits.
I am just running out of energy dealing with his backtalk and his refusal to do anything on his own initiative or do completely do things (if he does shovel, he leaves the shovels in the snow to rust...great!).
i just finished reading "get out of my life, but first can you take me and ? to the mall?" and it was a great book. nothing is really solving my situation though.
rach


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