# high need 5 year old ...still fighting sleep!



## marchmom19 (Jan 21, 2002)

Any tips to help my high need 5.5 year old who still fights sleep at bedtime.

Her younger brother goes to bed on his own at age 2! It surprises me when he says good night mom and wants his own bed and all! He is even weaned himself to just the wee hours in the morning nursing session! Such a contrast!

Anyhow, I need some suggestions! We have a family bed. I weaned my daughter from the milk at age 4 as i was having hard time coping (realized later it was not really due to nursing but just her constant demands ). I try t meet her needs in the day time as much as I can. She plays on her very well, plays well with others etc. At age 5 I tried to create a small bedroom for her...she was excited about it and all but wasnt fully ready after 2 weeks she was back with us. Now we moved to new home and 3 bedrooms so everyone can have own bedroom. I know lots of changes and trying to keep things as routinal as possible for the kids.

Anyhow on average before the move still took my daughter 2 hours to fall asleep (worked on the kids falling asleep on their own (together) without us in family bed for past 3 months. That seemed to work mostly quite well with younger who seems to be self soother.

My older on other hands has a million demands or requests...more drink, bathroom visit, forgot to brush teeth, more music whatever it will be. We try not to give in except for the nature call.









I want to lovingly help her to get used to a routine to fall asleep on her own without us cuddling her to sleep as that also would take ages.

What do I do? Hubby and I are both sick this week with nasty cold and we did routine, put kids to bed at 8pm and since then my daughter did her usual things...and to extreme and kept coming up with new questions to ask or to beg her way into our bed.

We will let her come into our bed later in the night after she fell asleep on her own.

I would like to hear of others what they have done. Should I just let her fall asleep in our bed whether or not we are in bed and then wait till she is ready to fall asleep in her own room?

I hate the nighttime battle. I dont need any more stress as it is with our move and all.

Thanks for sharing your tips with me.


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## Tanibani (Nov 8, 2002)

I'm in the SAME exact boat as you.









I am trying to wake him up at the crack of dawn (6-6:30am) with the hopes that he'll be dead tired at night.

I have found that if I lie with him (and he's dead tired) that he is out within 10 minutes. If I do not... then he is walking around the house, looking for me.







: That lasted 1 hour tonight (with me pleading with him to lie in his own bed and sleep. He was WIDE alert, but I knew his body and mind were tired. He just couldn't relax in bed alone.)

Would love to see what others have to say.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

I have a very high needs 6 year old. She has always had difficulty falling asleep. We have finally found a solution that works very well (actually, we started this around 3 years ago maybe-it's a blur). She (and the other two kids) sleep in our bed. We lay down with them until the littlest (23 months) is asleep and the older two are relaxed (usually by the time the littlest is asleep, my 4 year old ds is asleep too-but not always). Then we head downstairs, leaving dd1 (the 6 year old) to fall asleep in our bed with her siblings (maybe ds will be awake too), a nightlight (sometimes) and the radio (classical music). Only very rarely will it take her a long time to fall asleep this way. She needs some time to cuddle and often to talk in order to unwind and relax enough to fall asleep. Oddly, though, she can't actually fall asleep if we're there with her (unless she is absolutely dead tired). So if the little one is taking forever to fall asleep (she won't sleep unless she has me or dh right next to her), dd1 will be asking us to leave. Took us forever to figure out that she needs us gone to fall asleep, but also needs the comfort of knowing we'll be right there next to her later and needs help relaxing. (I cannot figure out why we have to be gone, but having her brother and sister there is okay-unless it's because they're already asleep/mostly asleep.) How long the bedtime process takes depends on how fast the little one falls asleep, it can be 10 minutes or it can be 30 minutes.

We tried for about 3 years to get her to fall asleep on her own and in her own room. And for 3 years we were totally frustrated. If she was in her own room, she'd be up for hours: up and down the stairs, calling for us, asking for stuff. If we tried to stay with her until she fell asleep in her own room, she'd take an equally long time to fall asleep so we'd be in her room feeling frustrated and imprisoned. Finally, at some point we just gave up, put two mattresses on the floor in our room, and began enjoying peaceful nights cuddling with our babies and some much needed alone time in the evening because this was finally when dd1 started falling asleep quickly. It's a rare night now that she takes a long time to fall asleep. And once in awhile she does sleep in her own room. Someday she'll want to be there all the time.

There are no easy answers with high-needs children.


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## marchmom19 (Jan 21, 2002)

thanks so much for your replies! Its good to know that I am not the only one going thru this. Its hard work though.

Hubby and I talked about it this morning and I said its not fair to us that we are both so sick and went to bed at 8pm last night and she ended up falling asleep at 11:30. if we welcomed her to bed with us she would have fallen asleep within the hour and then we could all have had a better and more peaceful night. We agreed then to not make a big deal about it and just let her fall asleep in her bed or ours where she wishes.

We will instead focus on disciplining on other things throughout the day. As its obvious she needs us to cuddle and feel safe after long day. Especially starting new school and all.

During the day she doesnt seem so high need, just the night time it really shows.

I would like to know who else has preschoolers and school aged high needs child and what they have done. Please continue to share what works and didnt work for you.

Thanks

steph


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## HappyHSer (Nov 1, 2005)

Quote:

During the day she doesnt seem so high need, just the night time it really shows.
That makes so much sense. It's when her (and your!) resources are typically at the lowest. And getting caught in a too tired cycle can create the issue of not being *able* to fall asleep easily.

You might try visualization (guided) with her.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

Speaking of guided visualization, I'll share an idea that helps my kids relax before sleeping. They love it when I tell them a "sleep fairy story." In this story, which is one I make up as I go along, is always about kids who are having a little trouble falling asleep because they've had a busy or exciting day. We start with the events of the day, what those children did that made for such a busy day-my children usually prefer stories of children who went for walks in the woods with descriptions of the trees and quiet streams, it's peaceful. Then in the story when the children can't fall asleep, their mother calls the sleep fairy. The sleep fairy comes in a sprinkles magic sleep dust on the chidren, beginning with their toes. As dust is sprinkled on each part, that body part begins to relax and feel warm and soft (so "she sprinkled some dust on their toes, and their toes started to feel warm and relaxed", said in a slow, soothing tone of voice). We go from the toes up to the head and end with the eyes feeling heavy, so that the children can't keep them open anymore, and with the children's whole bodies feeling heavy and relaxed on their soft beds and with the children falling asleep. It's sort of like a guided relaxation excercise, and by the end of the story the kids are very relaxed and quiet and ready to sleep (most of the time).


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## marchmom19 (Jan 21, 2002)

ok last night we talked to her about her being accepted into our bed still and she flashed a big smile and was so happy. At bedtime she chose to go to her bedroom as usual and read her books and put her babies to bed. After some time she was still reading we gave her warning to turn out the light when she was finished with book. She continued to read other books, then had melt down when we turned off light.









So despite having the option to come to our bed didnt solve issue.

I think i need a timer for her or something. Those 10 min hourglass timer or something.

We used to do 'head' story as we call them. Also doing some relaxing methods of having her stretch each body part and relaxing them and doing over and over.

Thanks for input.


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## Magella (Apr 5, 2004)

When I read your last post, I was thinking my dd would probably flip at time to turn the light off too if she were in her room reading and putting her babies to sleep. Totally can see that happening. We have to end all playing before going upstairs to get ready for bed. We do not read books at bedtime, because tantrums over one more book are almost inevitable if we do. It's brush teeth, potty, pajamas, into bed, goodnight kisses, lights out, story and/or talking about the day, and cuddles.

All kids and all families are different. What is your goal? What are her needs? Is it okay if she stays awake and plays, as long as she stays in her room quietly? Or does she need to fall asleep by a certain time of night in order to function well the next day? Could she put her babies to sleep by nightlight, does she relax better in a dim or dark room? Is she resisting sleep or is she actually having trouble unwinding? It may help to take a step back and look at the situation with fresh eyes. Maybe it would help to ask your daughter what she thinks would help her get in bed, stay in bed, and fall asleep-kids can often come up with great solutions if you ask them.

I hope your evenings become less frustrating.


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