# Oh god no, my baby is gone!!! Long and graphic...Unfortunate update post #62



## ~Mamaterra~

(Heavy, heavy sigh)

Where to begin......

My fingers are so heavy as they are in denial of having to type and accept the reality of the present....i am currently miscarrying...

Last Friday, i started spotting, then bleeding....didn't want to accept what I already suspected...there was something wrong with this pregnancy.

At 13 weeks, I wasn't "feeling" like I should but just chalked it up to paranoia b/c the previous pg m/c at 4.5 weeks (right before we concieved with this pg).

I had vivid dreams of miscarrying this pregnancy and even stated to my dh a couple of times that I think that there was something wrong with this pg but didn't want to come to terms with it....

So there was the bleeding....

With my youngest (now 10 months) I started spotting at 16 weeks and carried her to term with no problems....

Probably just starting that irritating spotting again....better take it easy....

We are 8 hours from home in a hotel room for the next week as my husband is working at a different office and me and the munchkins have been doing a lot of exploring around the new-to-us town...thats' what it is, too much activity....

Bleeding picks up...better get this checked out and go down to the hospital. Dh stays at the hotel room as our 3 dc are sleeping. Physical exam shows that cervix is still closed but can't find a hb....uh oh....can be tricky at this stage, but yeah, really bleeding....should come back if it gets worse...

Try to go back to sleep but wake up a couple of hours later from intense cramping...back down to the emerg...

Wonderful er nurse tries for a half hour to find hb with no success....doc will call another doc who is on days off to see if she will come in to do an ultrasound in the morning...go back to hotel room...

Get the phone call....Yup, she'll do it so we all get up and go down to the hospital...she scans....scans.....scans.....

Fetal demise at 7 weeks....no hb...the miscarriage will continue, do I need anything to speed it along, do I need a moment?

Silence.

Blinking back tears mutter something about letting my body run its course, thank you for coming in on your day off....better go, the children are hungry for breakfast....

Numb.

"Mommy whats wrong?"...."nothing honey, mommys' stomach is just hurting her (didn't tell the dc about the pg...didn't feel that it was real), lets' go to the Farmers Market and see if we can find something nummy for breakfast..."

Blink, blink.

Navigate our way around the menagerie of folksy folks at the Farmers Market desparately looking for something to buy....something to honor this baby....OH GOD...this baby that I am about to lose...

Stumble from booth to booth with this dc or that dc whining that "mommy I'm hungry or mommy I'm bored"...go away I hiss in my mind...can't you see that I am falling apart????

I see it...this simple, pottery amulet on a hemp string with a brilliant orange and yellow glazed centre shaped like a little cupped hand. I smell the patchouli as I lift it off the stand and ask how much....$18, she replies and I stuff the money in her hand as I burst into tears....

"Whats' wrong?" she quizzedly looks at me...

"I am miscarrying my baby" I blurt out collapsing in her outstretched arms....

The first time I utter those horrible words....

I am losing a baby...losing a pregnancy....losing my dreams and shattering my reality....

After leaving the booth and wiping my tears away, upon closer examination of the amulet, I notice that the glaze cracked in the shape of a baby...a large head and torso, two small legs and tiny, almost non-existent arms...to confirm that I wasn't seeing things I had dh look and he too could see it as plain as day...

But now, to add insult to injury, I have to go buy pads...I mean what pregnant woman packs pads in her suitcase!?!?! I sway indecisively in the feminine hygeine product aisle wondering which ones would be best.....best for catching the loss of my baby...

We go back to the hotel room and I go into the bathroom to put on a pad...god these are so plastic, I can't imagine my baby coming out on this plastic surface.....I desparately wish I had my cotton mama pads right now...

I lay down in bed in the darkness and weep...I just want to stay here all day with away from everyone....but it is the long weekend now (Friday turned into Saturday) and we promised the dc that we would take them to Prince for the weekend for the Canada Day celebrations and they are getting restless...

"Daddy, whats wrong with Mommy, when are we going?"

I breathe a heavy sigh...better suck it up and be a mama to the ones that are here....heave my still pregnant, swollen tummy and jelly butt out of bed and change my clothes....they smell like the hospital...

Over next 36 hours I vasilate between tears and denial "maybe she was wrong, maybe my dates are off....hey, I know a friend who was bleeding and whose dates got readjusted by 4 weeks after an ultrasound and her pregnancy is just fine...yeah....yeah...that is what is happening to me".

Bleeding subsides and I start getting hopeful that my theory actually may be true....but as we go down to the exhibition grounds for the fireworks, I feel something....something that I have only felt three times before...in labour....

Those intense, cervix stretching contractions that I relished feeling again....just in another 5 months....

As the fireworks work to a crescendo, so do my contractions and I moan and rock back and forth like I have in all of my other labours....

until nothing....my cervix is now open

Now the bleeding....

....and I am numb. My dh is here for flight training and can't take a day off so I suck it up some more and I am 8 hours away from home and away from my support network of friends, all of whom will be devastated by the news, with no way to call, so I suck it up even more....God, how I wish for the comfort of my girlfriends!

At about 2:00 p.m. two days later, I go to the bathroom and sit down....there is baby on the pad....that damn plastic pad....and I gently pick it up with a clean piece of toilet paper....

The children burst into the bathroom..."whats' wrong mama? There is something wrong with mamas' vulva" the child cries out to the others....no...no...everything is just fine as I shield the baby from their intrusive stares, please just close the door....

I sit there for what seems like an eternity examining this fetus and feel how strong its tiny body is under my fingers as I probe its shape looking for something familiar...

.....there are the leg buds and I can see the bones in each foot as it was about to develop...the tail is still longer than the leg buds but I can definitely make out the torso....as my eyes travel up the trunk, I can see the spinal column and crude organs, maybe a heart, not sure....

....but then the familiarity of the human form ends there as there are no arms and the head although large, is a mess of threads bent over without any recognizable features....brain stem but nothing else...genetically incomplete....

Incomplete....incomplete....incomplete....my mind tries to comprehend what I see and what I have discovered...

I am shaken back to reality as I hear the dc bicker about something and I realize what I am doing...

I realize that I can't just flush this child no matter how "incomplete" it is....I must preserve this child and gently fill a glass with some water and place this baby in it....as it floats around, as it would have in the embryonic fluid of my uterus and I weep as I realize that I am officially no longer pregnant...

Fortunately, my dc resolve whatever was outstanding and dd#2 nurses down for a nap...I put in a dvd for the older two and lay down staring at the glass that holds my baby...I have all of my four babies in the same room...my FOUR babies...this dc may be biologically an incomplete fetus but it is still my baby...my baby....

I weep...and then doze off...

I awaken to the phone ringing and my dh saying that he is on his way back to the hotel room and immediately my eyes go to the glass containing the baby....

GOD what an *idiot* I am....the baby is decomposing before my eyes (so much for my MSc in Organic Chemistry)....

The fetus is barely recognizable to its previous form of a just a couple of hours previous and I gingerly scoop it out...my baby no longer feels strong beneath my fingers but slimy and no longer is pink but white resembling more of a tiny wet piece of toilet paper than a embryo of seven weeks.

Frantically wondering what to do, I remember the amulet and place the baby in the hollowed out, glazed cup....then realizing that just like the cracked form in the glaze of the amulet, the baby matches its' form with two small legs, a large torso, no arms and a large head...

A sigh.....this child has found its final resting place...

It only takes an hour to dry out and my husband and I weep as the cellular structures breakdown....our baby is officially dead...

Now I am just a fat woman, no longer a pregnant woman with a gloriously round belly, I am just fat....

This has never bothered me as post-parteum with my other dc, I didn't care as I just birthed a baby and had a baby to show for it....but now, yes I birthed a baby...but had no baby in my arms to show for it...

All I have in my suitcase are maternity clothes and I feel hypocritical....I can't wear these anymore....I'm not pregnant....

To make matters worse, I threw out all of my pre-pregnancy clothes as this was going to be my last pregnancy, I was going to treat myself to new clothes post-parteum....THAT was supposed to be in another 5 months!!!!

I am soo depressed as I shop at a local thrift store for in-between clothes realizing that I am now buying clothes that seal the fate of my dead pregnancy. I don't want to look pregnant anymore and I don't want people thinking I am fat but I don't want to explain that I was pregnant but now I'm not...how stupid and petty....

I arrived home tonite and walked into my house feeling like a stranger...I left pregnant just over a week ago and walked back in empty and alone inside....

Tomorrow I have to call my girlfriends and my family and re-live this surreal experience again and again and again as I rip off the emotional scabs that have formed over that past couple of days...I don't know if I have the energy to do it...I suppose I will have to update my siggy...

And the bleeding continues.....physically.....emotionally....spirit ually.....

I'm off to try and sleep...


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## Starlight_rose

I can't imagine the sense of loss you are experiencing...you're in my thoughts


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## ankh

I'm so sorry


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## sunset

I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for having the strength to share this, that other might be helped too.


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## maisiedotes

I am so sorry.


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## MamaHen2J&J

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing, you write beautifully.


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## Sheal

I'm sorry for your loss. bless you for having the strength to write with such candor and sharing.








for baby


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## flapjack

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## Rosie_Kate

***sob***

I am so, so sorry. My expericence of saying goodbye to my sweet baby was similar to yours...

Go ahead and greive. Do whatever you need to do. Your baby really died... Even if it feels unreal. Hug your living babies a little tighter and cry.


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## AdalynsMama

So sorry for your loss, Mama.


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## finn'smama

I,m so sorry...


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## Snowdrift

I have no idea what to say. So sorry.


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## De-lovely

: I am so sorry mama.....your pain is so real through your words....peace and healing mama.....


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## blsilva

I am so sorry, mama.


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## TigerTail

I am so sorry.


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## NaomiMcC

OMG...Rosemary....I'm so sorry...I'm at work and in tears...







I'm so sorry....


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## lovethyspirit

I can't imagine what you are going through right now and your words sent shivers down my spine. God bless you and may he fly that little angel straight up to heaven.


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## famille_huggins

"I'm Sorry" is not enough for me to say. I can relate deeply to your feelings as I read the beautiful and thoughful recount of your experience. I appreciate both your eloquence and your vulnerability, as both cause me to reconsider my three sweet ones that I never knew as fully as the way I dreamed I would. I appreciate the tears I'm wiping away.

Though I don't know you, I am devastated with you, and hope you find the continued support you will need from both your family and your friends.


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## debbieh

I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## ~Mamaterra~

I keep checking in to read and re-read my thread...like I need help for it to sink in....

Your words of sympathy help to validate my grief and make it real to me....thanks.

I came to a realization....for what it is worth...you may be interested....

After the first m/c in March, emotionally it rocked our world and it took us awhile to breathe again...

Then a week later after we were starting to stabilize, our best man, god-father to our youngest and my husbands best friend put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger....we were emotionally t-boned, it came out of nowhere and we couldn't make sense of anything...

I was already pg with the latest angel but didn't feel right about confirming anything until after the funeral. The day after we got back, I poas and confirmed my suspicions to mixed feelings...

Then the fall-out from Grahams suicide....my husband himself barely worked the next month b/c of depression and his anger became out of control...he directed it all in my direction, with limited understanding from me....

As things were spiralling out of orbit, I realized that I couldn't take it anymore and we jointly signed papers to initate divorce proceedings.

However, at the reality of going this pg on my own with 3 young children sent me to bed for a week and we came to the determination that for the sake of this pg, we would dig harder, try harder and work through the anger...

We slogged through it and am happy to say that we are on the other side of the crap for the most part....

We have had about a week and a half of getting our equilibrium back within the realm of acceptable when this angel decided that it was time to let go.....

I've had an epiphany that this baby sacrificed its' existence on earth and chose a celestial existence for the sake of its mama, papa and siblings and the maintenance of our family....

Maybe my angels purpose was keep myself bonded to dh initally because of physical needs but ended up healing the emotional wounds that were working to destroy our family....this little one had stopped growing around all the time of the lethal negativity, but it chose to hold on....to hold on to its' family until it was secure in the knowledge that everything was back on the right track....

....then she let go back into the arms of her creator....my precious child...my little guardian angel....that is what I will name her....Angel...

tears overwhelm me now.....


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## Whittliz

I don't even know what to say..........I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace.


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## momma of monkeys

I am so sorry momma....I don't normally post here but I saw this in new posts and couldn't read and not respond....love & light to you.....oh, your words make me feel the pain....I am so sorry....















for your angel....love to you....


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## Parker'smommy

Hugs momma....I'm so sorry. I too know your pain. I so wish I didn't. You wrote a beautiful story and it's a tribute to your beautiful child. Please save it.

Hugs to you and please know that this forum is very special and full of the most wonderful women. I am truely blessed to know them and they have helped me through my losses.

Hugs and please try and be gentle with yourself.


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## robertsmama

Oh Rosemary...I'm trying to think of a way to tell you that you are not alone, that so many of us know how you feel, but I keep crying for you and for your family's pain. Although so many of us have lived through and continue to live through the pain of this horrible loss of life and hope everyday, sometimes even that knowledge doesn't help that much. May you and your dh find yourselves growing even more together as you bond over this loss, and may you find some kind of peace eventually.


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## Aurora

Saying "I am sorry" doesn't even begin to decribe how I feel. My heart breaks for you and I am crying for you, knowing your pain.
















Sweet baby Angel


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## bellymama

i don't really know what to say. i just couldn't read and not say something. that was really sad and beautiful and powerful all at once. my thoughts are with you.


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## gretasmommy

My heart breaks for you! So many have experienced such tremendous sorrow here. I hope you find the strength you need to grieve and the peace you need to begin to heal.

This board has been my lifeline throughout these dark times. May it be yours as well.

Thinking of you, and holding your family in the light.


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## Nature

Oh mama... I am so very sorry. And even that is inadequate.


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## beansavi

Just chiming in to let you know I have lived through the same type of experience. No words that can fix or compare....but I am here, I know what you feel, down to the deepest places...I know sweetheart, just what you feel.

I know, and I am here.

Bean


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## Ackray

I'm so sorry. I feel as though I lived through your story two years ago. I'll be thinking about you and your family. And please know that you are not alone.


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## runes

i am so very sorry.


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## MMGerard

I am crying with you and am very sorry for your loss.


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## quinbearzmama

I am so sorry, mama.


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## Genesis

I'm so sorry about your baby. I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling....I wish you and your DH peace during this very difficult time.























Michele


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## MilkbarMom

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and comfort.


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## Ambrose

I'm so sorry that you had to endure this. I also felt as though my child left to help heal my family. DH and I were nearing to get-a-divorce stage and when Lasius died it opened us up and we have worked and worked and repaired our marriage more than I could have ever hoped for. The only thing that helps me try and get past the 'why' is that it may have been because he was sacrificing himself showing us love in it's truest, purest form.


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## midstreammama




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## hipumpkins




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## CaraNicole

_your in my thoughts and prayers...i wish i knew what to say but i don't...i'm so sorry..._


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## daniedb

Wow, no words can convey how powerfully your story has moved me. I'm just so very sorry, beyond words, for your loss of your beautiful Angel.


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## Phoenix_Rising

i am so sorry for your loss and wish you peace.


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## zzwhitejd




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## emma_goldman

sorry for your loss, Mama.


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## fireshifter

I'm so sorry. I wish a hug could make it all right. I wish our words were not just stones falling onto a sidewalk, making a clatter, but rather sinking deep into a pond affecting you deeply to your heart. I wish our cyber-hugs were phsyical. I wish we could have been there for you.

I'm so sorry mama.

Jen D


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## gerlassie

I don't even know what to say. You are a very strong woman and your children are blessed to have a mommie like you. As I wipe my tears, I send you hugs and love.

Peace,
Kim ( Daniel 6 and David 2 mommie )


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## AlwaysByMySide

I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## 2 in August

I am so sorry.


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## lolar2

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Try to get some friends and family to cover telling others as much as you can.


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## momz3

Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear this. I, too,know this pain.


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## RachelGS

I'm so incredib;y sorry, mama.


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## Jasmyn's Mum

I'm so sorry







I don't know what else to say


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## jes_mar_wak_hod

I am so, so sorry mama. I don't know what else to say.


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## broodymama

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, mama.


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## muttix2

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.


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## milk4two

My heart just aches for your loss. I'm so sorry.


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## girlfactory

I don't know what to say, other than I am so so sorry and sad for the loss of your baby.


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## Delaney'sMommy

I'm so, so sorry. And I know that sounds so trivial. I know.

I'm going through this grief _today_. I just returned from the OB, an hour ago where I got the bad news. I came here to find comfort, and to knock me out of my complete numbness. I wish I understood "why".

My prayers and my thoughts are with you cdnmom. There just aren't words to express the grief. I feel it with you.


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## anxietytopia

As I read this, my heart aches for you. I must say it is beautifully written in all it's sorrow.

I am here. Always. For when you need to cry, for when you need to sit and stare, for when you need a womanly shoulder that understands the bond between mother and child. I am here. Whenever.

Lots and lots of love and hugs,
Marissa


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## blissful_maia

Wow, mama, your writing is so raw and heartwrenching, as I'm sure your experience is right now. My heart goes out to you and your family.


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## mariag

You are in my thoughts...I am so sorry for your loss.


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## supakitty

You words are painful, powerful and beautiful. We're here surrounding you with the love and compassion of knowing and feeling the loss. I'm sorry to you, mama.

-Laura


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## ~Mamaterra~

Thank you mamas for your compassionate support...you have been my lifeline over the past couple of days....unfortunately they have been eventful....

The bleeding picked up over the weekend and I began to become concerned. I drank lots of RRLT (as that is all that is available herbally here) back to back but the bleeding got worse.

Then on Sunday it intensified and against all of my attempts to stay at home, it became apparent to me that the bleeding wasn't slowing down as I started to hemorrhage, (bleeding through a pad every half and hour).

Additionally, I was having contractions, AGAIN, just like the Sunday prior but this time definitely more intense almost like my other three births for 30-40 sec every 2-3 mins. I had to vocalize and count as I felt the peaks of each contraction and lay down for them whereas the week previous I could sit and sway.

Down to the ER I went and began to gush blood over pads and soak through my pants. The contractions came back to back as I gushed more blood and as they were moving me from an ER bed to the Gyn room I could feel like something dropped. Then the contractions stopped...

When they took off things to investigate, perfectly still encased in its' amniotic sac, there was another fetus.....apparently I was carrying twins.....

The lemon sized clots were falling out of me and the doc attempted to manually clean out my uterus with his finger and long tongs but it felt more like he was raping me.

"What the hell are you doing?" I screamed through gritted teeth. My dh assured me that he was being very gentle but touching my cervix sent it into spasms....dh gently caressed my face soothing me through the rest of the procedure...

We rescued the amniotic sac from the nursing staffs' furious cleaning of the bloody mess that was my miscarriage and examined it. From a little clearing in the threads of tissue, we can see the baby floating around in its' now displaced home....it too was the size of its' sibling but seems to be genetically complete as opposed to its sister who had passed the Tuesday prior. I haven't brought myself to break the sac...don't know if I can but will have to do something with it soon....

I was admitted overnight with an IV for fluids and observation and was sent to another hospital an hour away in a city that has the U/S and an OB. The ultrasound was to ensure that there weren't any retained fragments. Clearly on the u/s I could see the two spots of implantation, one lighter than the other as one was a fresh loss and the other over a week ago...

Unfortunately, bleeding was still coming from where both of the implantation sites had been....time to go talk to the OB....

As I U/P'ed this pregnancy and was going to U/C, I philosophically don't jive with OB's as in my opinion, they tend to view everything as the worst case scenario....just as I suspected, he was trying to sell me on a D&C and I gave him every "what if" in the book....I was exhausted by this point and struggled to maintain my composure with every question...I asked him to leave the room as I talked it over with dh....

and the ONLY thing that spoke to my heart was that if the fragments hadn't passed and I got infected, the uterus would already be scarred by the time the infection was apparent to me and could affect future fertility....not something I am interested in messing with.

So, I had the D&C....

Got home about 11:30 p.m. last night and packing to go on another trip tomorrow....not enough time to process...not enough time to grieve...yet.


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## christinespurlock

Oh I'm so sorry and you thought it (the physical part) was over. I ended up with a D & C too. It's not natural but sometimes it's a necessary evil. I hope your healing begins soon. I wish I had something better to say.


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## mariag

I am so sorry. I am glad your dh seems so supportive through such a horrible time. My thoughts are with you. Please continue to write if it helps you all., I have found there are many compassionate ears here.


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## CaraNicole

_oh i'm so sorry...







my thoughts are with you and your family..._


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## momma earthical

So so sorry mama.


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## robertsmama

I am so sorry for your continued pain. And the loss of yet another baby...Too painful to even contemplate. I wish I could say more, but just know we are here, and we care.


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## Genesis

Oh my gosh mama, I can't believe that.







Once again, I am so sorry. I thought the worst part was over for you. Your DH sounds wonderful, please continue to get support from him and anyone else in your life. I wish you both peace and healing during this awful time.




























I am going to be praying hard for you.

Michele


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## RedOakMomma

I'm so very sorry.


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## SativaStarr

Oh Mama, I am so very sorry for your losses.


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## CarolynnMarilynn

I am so sorry.


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## blissful_maia

Wow, what a sad update, mama. I hope you can take time to grieve this news with your husband.


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## Ambrose

:


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## SweetTeach

I am so sorry.


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## rmzbm

Oh my goodness, I can feel the pain in your words, I am so sorry...


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## ~Mamaterra~

First off, I want to wholeheartedly thank the angel of an administrator(s) that added the line "Loved by her Angel Above" below my membername. It took my breath away and I crumpled in tears from the love that was shown...thank you.

To all the Mamas, thank you for your continued words of compassion and support...it truly speaks to my heart...

We are now back from the last 10 day stint in another hotel room and I am exhausted...emotionally and physically.

This past 10 day stint, I had time to process a lot of grief and, god-bless my children, stay in bed for 3 or 4 days just going through bouts of numbness and crying. I even took out a book from the library called "Motherhood after Miscarriage" and devoured that in an afternoon. That seemed to help.

Fortunately, the bleeding has stopped and the physical and emotional rebuilding starts....

God bless you mamas....I love you all.

Thank you.


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## captivatedlife

My heart goes out to you. May you walk in light during this time of darkness and be filled once again with peace.

Blessings,
Kim


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## Claire and Boys

I am so sorry for your loss. When I had my third miscarrage in January of 2006 a friend sent me this, I hope it is as comforting for you as it was me.

*A Mother's Prayer

Affirmation After Infant Loss/Miscarriage*

_In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.

During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.

I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.

I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.

In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.

Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.

Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.

Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.

Let me honour this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.

Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.

Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.

I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfil the need to hold it in my arms.

I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
_
by Stacey Dinner-Levin


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## daniedb

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cdnmom* 
First off, I want to wholeheartedly thank the angel of an administrator(s) that added the line "Loved by her Angel Above" below my membername. It took my breath away and I crumpled in tears from the love that was shown...thank you.

To all the Mamas, thank you for your continued words of compassion and support...it truly speaks to my heart...

We are now back from the last 10 day stint in another hotel room and I am exhausted...emotionally and physically.

This past 10 day stint, I had time to process a lot of grief and, god-bless my children, stay in bed for 3 or 4 days just going through bouts of numbness and crying. I even took out a book from the library called "Motherhood after Miscarriage" and devoured that in an afternoon. That seemed to help.

Fortunately, the bleeding has stopped and the physical and emotional rebuilding starts....

God bless you mamas....I love you all.

Thank you.

God bless you, I pray you find His peace and healing through this rebuilding time. We love you, sweetie.


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## QuietTempest

I'm so so sorry for your loss.














:


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## kaspar

i am so so sorry for your losses. what a difficult time for you. i hope you will be able to find time to rest quietly in a place where you can feel comfortable... i can't imagine having to go through that while travelling. i chose a d & c for one of my losses - it gave me a sense that finally i had some kind of say in what was going on - take power in the decisions you get to make for yourself, and take care of your body and soul.


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## ~Mamaterra~

This may sound strange...but thank you for not forgetting about me.

I haven't posted much (if at all) on MDC since my last update because I just didn't have much to say to anyone but I've been keeping an eye on this thread.

I would read the most recent posts until one day there weren't anymore posts...

Then the thread became inactive and moved down the page further and further until one day, it was no longer on the first page of Pregnancy and Birth Loss....

Upon seeing this I burst into tears....

I felt like bumping it to just keep it in the recent threads because it felt that somehow my loss was no longer relevant....that my babies would no longer be remembered....I just *had* to keep their memory alive, right?

But instead I let the thread go quietly into that good night...

And so did my permission to grieve....

It was as if it was "old news" and whether it was because of the energies I was sending out or not....people just didn't want to hear about my loss anymore....

Not my family.....not my husband....not my friends....life just went on

I stopped sleeping and had no desire to eat and as a result go really, really sick...

But because my dh has been away for three weeks now, I am solely responsible for the care of my three dc....I had to get better...

But I fell into a groove of, as Julia Rose put it so eloquently, "mourn at the margins"....

So I began to grieve secretly....tears only at night....conversations only with myself....sneaking into corners of society to wipe away my tears and blankly wonder why no one, *NO ONE* cared anymore as they would ignore my swollen red eyes....

Then today...new posts....

And I melted....and the grief has just been pouring out bursting through the dams and ***** that I created in my mind to save everyone the discomfort of dealing with me....

_Grief: Rosemary...here I am...embrace me as we walk. Where we go, I don't know. How long it takes us to get there, only time will tell. But give yourself the time for this journey and feel free to cry along the way...

Rosemary: But it makes everyone around me uncomfortable...

Grief: This journey isn't about everybody...it is about you and you alone...

Rosemary: I want to grieve, I really do, it is just never a good time...

Grief: There never is a "good time" for this journey...it just happens when it happens.

Rosemary: What will I say to people?

Grief: That your twin babies died a month ago and you miss them terribly...

Rosemary: Nods silently and takes Griefs' hand...._

Thank you for giving me _myself_ permission to grieve openly again...


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## dani76

Your words are so full of feeling and emotion. I couldn't read and not post. I'm so sorry for both of your losses. Your babies will never be forgotten, even if your story falls off the first page. But I know too well the feeling of "how can everyone just go about their day when I am falling apart?".

Sending comfort to you for as long as you need it.


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## sewinmama

Whether or not you are on the front page is not a good measure of whether we remember or not. I think each mama on this board has a special place in her heart for each baby.

I go to work and just wonder how I can act so normal and deal with bi***y customers or actually give a crap if the job is done right. But somehow I do... That is almost harder than getting to stay home and think my own true thoughts about everything. Good or bad.

Anyhow, Huge hugs to you, and just know that your babies DO matter.


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## mariag

Rosemary, I am glad that this forum has given you a safe place to grieve, as it has for me. I think grief is one of the most difficult emotions, because there are so many aspects to it; sadness, anger, frustration, denial...Its just so overwhelming. And for me at least, the other part that is hard is that it is so personal. Not even my dh who is absolutely amazing and wonderful and supportive in every way that he knows how to be fully understands all the it meant for me to lose a child that had been growing in my womb. It is a very raw wound I think and not one that is understood fully by those who have not suffered the same. Know that like everyone has said our thoughts are with you, no matter where your thread falls. I had the same passing thoughts when news of my loss fell lower....but its just part of the way of time passing. Nothing is forgotten, and unfortunately many times its because there is so much new grief to share. How lucky that we all have this place to find repose. I wish you only healing and strength, and the knowledge that you always have permission to grieve, in whatever way works best for you and always have this safe place to share when you need an ear.

Maria


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## Genesis




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## robertsmama

Rosemary,
Your words have again touched so many of us so deeply. Grief is a tremendous burden. I'm so, so glad that we all have one another to help us to carry this load. Many







to you mama.


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## daniedb

Wow, I almost wrote about the grief process in my last post, but didn't. Your post has touched my heart so eloquently and deeply...

Grief is so personal, and inexplicable. There is no right way or time to heal, and I can promise you this - I have never, ever in my few years on MDC forgotten the babies that were lost. The stories that are told here by the mamas whose babies have passed on will forever live in my heart, and many, many hearts here. Your children will never be forgotten. I grieve with you, as so many others do, and even when people IRL seem to have forgotten, I would bet they are also grieving with you, but are at a loss. I know that I, as a mother who has not had the experience of losing a baby, sometimes have no idea what to say. I've learned that something is better than nothing, but it took me a while to learn that. Perhaps the people around you need permission from you to talk about it. I wonder what would happen if you opened the door to the conversation? I know that most people don't talk about it because they don't know if mama wants to talk about it.

I truly hope that you can find people IRL that are willing to listen, and talk and hear you. If you need to, I have found that trauma and/or grief therapists can be a balm and help if there isn't a support in your life that is helping you grieve. Sometimes we just need an advocate, and someone to journey with us in our sorrow.

Many hugs, much love.


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## Sheal




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## NaomiMcC




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## ashtree




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## PatioGardener




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## mrskennedy

Oh mama, you've lost so much...!







I just want to offer you support and







! My heart breaks for you and your family!


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