# Doing it again



## TrinitysMama (Mar 13, 2002)

I'm pregnant again after losing my baby girl at 33 weeks on July 21, 2001. I'm due November 4. I'm very nervous. I was just wanting to hear from other moms that have gone on to have healthy babies after losing one.

It's hard for me to believe that I will have a real, living baby at the end of all of this. I don't really feel any connection to this child at all. I have already prepared myself for my first ultrasound on the 28th. I don't want to get my hopes up. It's easier to just assume this one is already dead.

Last time, as soon as they found out my dd didn't have a heartbeat, my midwives abandoned me. They turned me over to an OB and I didn't hear from them the entire time I was in the hospital. That hurt. It made me feel like I wasn't worthy of their care. That I wasn't woman enough to be any of their concern because my baby died inside of me.

I just feel like I can't go through this pregnancy expecting to have a baby at the end. I did that last time and ended up with nothing to show for those 8 months except stretchmarks and a box of sympathy cards and dried flowers from the funeral. I'm expecting my baby to die this time. It seems to me that I just cant have a healthy baby. My body doesn't make healthy babies. It makes dead babies.

I know that the chances of losing another child are so slim. But then again, so were the chances of her dying after a completely healthy 33 weeks. Lightning has already struck once.

How do I get through this pregnancy? Will I ever feel a connection to this baby while I am pregnant? How did you do it?


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Trinitysmama,

I'd first like to offer you a gentle welcome to Mothering. I hope you find the support you need here.

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your daughter. Would you mind sharing her name? I lost my daughter Amanda Leigh at 34 weeks when my placenta abrupt on December 7, 1993. She was born still on December 14, 1993 5 lbs and 18 inches long.

For so many years she was our dream child. Her pregnancy was filled with so much joy and her death left us broken and confused.

I became pregnant with my son 4 months later. The pregnancy was terrifying! I was on bedrest because the placenta was not attached correctly and I kept bleeding. I would go into the bathroom and expect him to just fall out in the toilet. As the pregnancy progressed I became more and more paranoid. My poor ob, I would break down in his office on each visit.

I can't believe your midwives abandoned you like that. Many women in our forum have written about their midwives supporting them through their loss - I'm so sorry. Please know that you are a mother to your stillborn baby and she will always be your daughter.

As for you feeling distant from this pregnancy. I think it's extremely normal. As well as feeling that you're body can't produce a living child. Remember, your body nourished your daughter for many months - it didn't fail you.

I wouldn't worry about bonding with this baby. Take things slowly and gently, time will take care of the rest.

The coming months will be filled with lots of up's and down's. Please feel free to lean on us when you need to. Or ask for support or information. I have a lot of resources and would be happy to share them with you.

Please take care of yourself and know that others are thinking about you.

*A NEW HEART BEATS*

I think of you still my first child
As a new heart beats in my womb
I should be thinking of him&#8230;
&#8230;but instead, I'm still thinking of you

we waited so long for you to be,
but you had no breath when you came to me
born a dream, a distant memory

Now a new heart is beating
You're an older sister
Though you've only been gone
For six short months

Why are you gone?
I should be loving this new life
But today I'm still mourning you
What's a broken hearted mother to do?


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## LEmama (Nov 21, 2001)

((((Trinitysmama))))

Our son Henry was born ill at at 33 weeks and died the following day. I became pregnant 11 months later. We were ready, and really wanted another baby. But I still had a hard time believing it would happen. Henry's death was caused by a virus. I was now considered to have immunity, so it was almost impossible for it affect any of my subsequent pregnancies. Despite this, I could not find hope.

Like you, I felt no connection with the child growing in my womb. I cherished the idea of having another child to love, but it did not seem real. I can totally relate to what you are experiencing. One thing that helped me was to seek out other women who had given birth to healthy children after a loss - just like you have done by posting here.

Another thing that helped was to treat myself very well during my pregnancy and to ask a lot of questions. I had two ultrasounds that time and called my midwives with any question or concern. They reassured me over and over, and were happy to do so. Do you have supportive prenatal care this time around?

I did start to feel closer to the baby once I found out his gender. I didn't plan on finding out, but I am so glad I did. He gradually became my *son*, and I could more clearly envision him joining our family.

I wish there was more that I could offer you. You are not alone! Please PM or email me if you would like to. Sending love and peace your way...


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## serenetabbie (Jan 13, 2002)

trinitysmama~
Hi and welcome to the boards.
I did not have the pain of carrying my first child for as long as many of you (only 10 1/2 weeks). I went on to have 2 more healthy children. My first baby had nothing wrong with (her), but it was an unusually (i'm told) long etopic pregnacy. The whole pregnancy felt wrong, I had an empty crampy feeling. I was terrified I had caused this...it was unplanned and I had been taking the pill. But, dispite the fact that I have 1/2 the chance now of getting pregnant and a high risk of having another etopic, my body has not failed me again! Thank God.

I was sure there was something wrong with me...other people brushed it off with thoughtless comments like "it wasnt ment to be" or "oh, your young..you can have more".....

I lost that baby on our 5th anniversary and think of it every year.
My heart goes out to all of you. I'm so glad there is support here for this.

I think it is natural to be nervous this time. I had terrible nightmares of losing each of my babies....I wont go into detail....they were bad! I hope and prey all goes well for you trinitysmama!
~~laura


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

I've tried to answer this several times. I lost my nice long answer the first time & then I just kept not being able to say what I wanted.

I lost my 2 babies before Saffron. The first was ectopic. I am a high risk so it was sort of expected. Except, I had had blood tests & they had said it was probably OK. Until I had my scan. My tube had ruptured & I was bleeding internally pretty badly & only just made it in to be operated on in time. The docs treated me like a piece of meat. Discussed the "reasons" for ectopic pregnancies over my head like I was an idiot. It was a really traumatic & horrible experience. On top of that, you then get all the crap people say to you. The "it was meant to be...", "you can always have more..."someone even told me it wasn't a baby but a monster so I should not think of it as a baby.

6 weeks later, I got pregnant again. I had the blood tests, they said it was probably all OK. I didn't believe them. Then I went for my scan at 6.5 weeks & the baby was in the right place. I felt fine. I relaxed, it was all OK. Or so I thought. I had horrible 24/7 nausea that suddenly went away at about 14 weeks. My midwife told me this was totally normal. I didn't go for the 12 week scan. Everyone who knew I was pregnant made a big deal of the whole getting over the 12 week thing. I went to the midwife at 14.5 weeks & we supposedly heard the heartbeat. Me & the h weren't sure but she said it was quite normal for it to be difficult to find / faint at this stage. At 16 weeks I go a massive clot of strange smelling blood so I was sent for a scan. I saw the baby on the scan & was so happy. Then the radiologist went all funny & made us sit down. The baby was dead. The radiologist said he'd been dead for about 2 weeks. There was nothing obvious wrong with him from the scan & he was born at home so I didn't have the heart to take into the hospital so they could disect him.

5 months later I was pregnant again. I went for the blood tests. They seemed OK, I went for a scan or three, they were OK. I was horribly sick again from about 5 weeks. This kept on until I was 30 weeks. I used to go for acupuncture. Every time I used to ask her if the baby was still alive. They can tell from your pulses if the baby is ok. I used to virtually have panic attacks & stop breathing when I went for scans or they put the doppler on me. I can virtually identify ultrasoundimages of babies now. I can tell when they are alive & moving. I read everything I could about pregnancy & pregnancy loss. BIG tip. Stay away from pregnancy loss boards & anything to do with lost babies. I could guarantee that I would manage to find some horror story about someone who had lost a baby in some horrific freak occurance, for no apparent reason at about the stage I was pregnant every time. My midwife was shocking. She used to just tell me any old shit to make me feel better. Don't worry about the spot of blood it was brown, only worry when it's red. or visa versa. Like do I not have a brain & a memory ??? I got thru it all. I had a beautiful healthy baby girl. She was born unassisted, by accident at home & her daddy got to deliver her which was really special & really beautiful.

My best advise to you. Get a sympathetic, prenatal care provider who takes you seriously - regardless of how silly or neurotic they may think you're being. My acupuncture lady saved my life. She specialised in pregnancy acupuncture & I trusted her judgement & she kept me from throwing up non-stop for 7 or so months & made me feel sane. She was able to tell me Saffron was fine & I believed her. She had faith in my natural ability to carry a baby.

Find other mothers who have gone on to have healthy babies after losing babies. Realise you probably will never feel safe until this baby is in your arms. Even then, I feel the effects keep going. I am so protective over Saffron. Also realise what you are going thru is totally normal.

Try to make sure your nutrition is OK & maybe take some nervine herbs that are safe in pregnancy. I took weleda's avena comp when I felt the need, sniffed neroli oil & had lots & lots of acupuncture.

Saffron is awake so I must go. Best of luck & pm me if you would like any support.


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

((((trinitysmama)))) As you can see, you are not alone in this. I'm so glad you found this group where you can ask any question and receive support that you need.

My first child died, too. He was full term and no one knows what happened.

I got pregnant again 3 months later and although the timing was really weird in a way (their birthdays are 2 days apart) what kept me going, aside from my work (I went back to work as a homebirth midwife 3 months after Jacob died) was the feeling that such a lightening strike just couldn't happen to us again. Probably a HUGE case of denial, but you know, nothing happened, we have the most wonderful 28 month old Noah you could ever wish for, and I am now 35 weeks with our 3rd.

I know it's hard to connect with the next baby after something so unreal and catastrophic happens, but as mentioned above, having a truly caring and sympathetic provider is SO important. Someone you can call with every little worry and you will be taken seriously.

And even though it was a hard thing for me to do, I went out and bought some new baby things for Noah when I got to 37 weeks. It's kind of funny, because I got a crib and never had any intention of using it - and didn't either!

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk some more or if you have any questions.

Peace,

Barbara


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## TrinitysMama (Mar 13, 2002)

Thank you all for your support. It's very reassuring to hear that is is possible to go on and have another baby. It's also good to hear that everything I am feeling rightnow is normal. I am so sorry about all of your babies. It's so unfair that this happens to so many people.

Ms. Mom - Her name was Trinity Morrigan. She was 3lbs 8oz and 17 3/4" long. That poem really hit home. Thats my story almost exactly.

LEmama - I have a wonderful midwife this time. She knows what I have been through and she knows what I went through with the midwives last time. I really trust this one with whatever happens this time. I know that she will be there for us no matter what.

serenetabbie - People just really dont have a clue sometimes, do they? I heard some pretty horrible things after I lost Trinity. More than one person told me at the funeral that it was "all part of Gods plan". Some people just dont get it.

OceanMomma - Saffron is such a beautiful name. We had talked about that name for Trinity, but dh made the final decision.







I have never done acupuncture before. That is very interesting that they can tell by your pulse that the baby is ok. That must have been pretty reassuring for you. As far as nutrition goes - this time I know a lot more than I did at the beginning of my last pregnancy. I have actually found good prenatal vitamins that I have taken since trying to conceive, I am eating a more balanced diet with more protein, drinking a ton of water, and taking as much red raspberry leaf as I can.

jordmoder - I can't imagine being able to go back to a job like yours after what you went through. You must be a very strong woman. I think having a homebirth this time will definitely help us heal from our last birth. I think that our midwife will also be a big factor in helping us bond with this new little one. Best of luck to you and your family as you wait for your new baby!


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I just want to send out a {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}} to all of you amazing, strong, loving mamma's!

This forum is a blessing and I thank Mothering for offering it to us. I'm so very sorry for all the beautiful babies who have been lost and all the greiving mothers they've left behind.

I send you all gentle thoughts.


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## Sylvia Lynn (Dec 27, 2001)

{{{{{{triniysmom}}}}}}}}}}}
i'm typing one handed cuz i'm holding kayli who is almost 6 mo. her older brother ian was stllborn 4 yrs ago. i had wonderful supportive midwives which helped. i was paranoid during the whole pregnancy, especially when i had some minor complications. you will bond, don't worry.


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## jaye (Mar 14, 2002)

Trinity'smama - I know you from hM! You're pregnant!?! I'm sooooo happy for you. that is fantastic.

take care of yourself - try not to stress too much (i know that is so hard).

you've made my day!

xoxo


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## islandgirl (Nov 22, 2001)

Hi, sometimes I just need to check back here and this is a great post of some successful endings to tragic losses. I lost Clara at 39 weeks, full (long) labor to 10 cm. with homebirthing midwives and an emergency c-section after a suspect hearbeat on pushing. I miss her so much and I am still scared some days for my actual birth of my 35 week old that I am carrying now. I feel that I am bonding with this child but in a different way, with an appreciation of how delicate and precious she is, and how special just to share lives even now. "Normal" things like my baby shower terrify me because I don't want everyone to be so joyful one day and dissapointed the next. But I've gotta go on and believe that this is the baby that is meant to be. I have had some really comforting dreams about our new little one and this has helped me so much. Send some good vibes my way, I will send some yours!


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

islandgirl - I've been wondering about you - 35 weeks! I'm joyous that things are going well for you.

I totally understand about the baby shower - I felt like I was in a weird dream the day of my shower - It was so strange?

I'll be thinking of you in the weeks to come and sending strong vibes for a healthy baby and joyous birth-day.

Please keep us up-to-date on how things are going. PM me if you ever need to talk.

I wish you gentleness.


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## Skyemama (May 6, 2002)

First, I feel so blessed to have found all of you Mamas that I feel so connected with, Thank You all.
Trinitys Mama, I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. Being pregnant with my son five years after my daughter's birth was truely one of the most difficult times of my life. Having delivered my daughter in an uncaring hospital (which, by the way, my regular ob abandoned me to the resident on duty) I so craved a loving environment for my son to be born in. My son was born in a birthing center, in the water, with an incredible midwife, 2 years ago next month. I was so blessed to have a midwife that had also experienced the loss of a baby and she was right by my side every crazy step of the way. The most difficult time is getting past that time in your pregnancy when you lost your other baby. My best advice is to be so gentle with yourself and KNOW that this baby is going to be ok. This baby is going to be born alive and beautiful. This baby is a whole new baby with a whole new spirit and is going to live. Tell yourself this every day, tell your baby this every day. Eventually I believed it, and now I am in love with my almost 2 year old son and I am blessed that he has his sister to watch over him and keep him safe.
There is a great book called Pregnancy After a Loss, I just lent it to a friend. This book was my sanity keeper, knowing that other mamas felt as crazy as I did meant everything to me.
Much love, healing and positive thoughts your way.


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## islandgirl (Nov 22, 2001)

Hi women,
Just an update...today is my due date. It's kinda bringing up some more stuff because people keep calling and I have NOBODY to tell them about...yet. Does that make sense? Also, I had to go to the hospital 1 week ago for some bleeding (so frightening but nothing wrong) and found out that I am already dilated 4-5 cm. Now I have been walking around with that knowledge and bringing NOBODY home again...so many mixed emotions. When is this labor going to start? Send some good thoughts!


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Indiegirl - I know your walking on eggshells now. I'm thinking back to when I was about to give birth to ds. How frightened I was - how shocked I was by his birth cry and how overcome with emotion I was when he popped his eyes open and latched onto the breast for the first time {I'm getting teary thinking about it}.

I'm sending you very warm and loving vibes for happy, healthy birth. Please share with us when you beautiful child arrives.

If you ever need to talk feel free to email me at [email protected] or pm me any time!

Love and Gentleness to you and your family.


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

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