# Christmas/friend who lost an infant...what can I do? Update in orginal post.



## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

I have a friend that lost her infant son this year. I have really tried to keep in touch with her and feel that I should do something to acknowledge her grief or his life...or both really during this Christmas season. He woke up ill Christmas morning and passed away a while later.
Should I send a card...or something elseÉ

What would be good.....anyone

UPDATE: I sent the card...and today I gave a donation that feeds a needy family a turkey dinner for Christmas. They print a message from everyone that donates in the paper. So..I put *In Memory of ********** and did not include my name.

So now I have a question. I don't want her to miss seeing her little guys name in the paper (a lot of people don't get the paper anymore, just read online) but I don't want to say *oh look what I did* either....any ideas on making sure she knows about it????


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I would have loved to have had anyone acknowledge my loss&#8230; but, so many people just wanted for it to go away, to not have to think about it, for their own comfort, or just not knowing what to say or do&#8230;

I think any kind of acknowledgement would be appreciated. It makes it so much worse to have people forget or just ignore it







At least that has been my experience.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I think you should send something.. even if just a card just to let her know that you're thinking of her and that you remember her baby. I think that's the biggest fear parents of loss face.. people forgetting. Christmas will be a hard time for her, esp. since he woke up ill on christmas.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I think you should definatly send her a card letting her know you remember and are thinking of her and the baby.
If you want to give something - maybe an ornament or something like the one posted here:

http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/s...1R4SO%7Cstores

Or an angel ornament or something.

How awesome of you to want to do this. I know that my biggest fear this christmas is that no one will remember or mention our baby and our loss.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I would get her a card and small ornament. Or maybe a small plush thing.


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## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

Definately a card and a special ornament would be wonderful. Something like the pp linked to, or an engraved ornament, or something similar.


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## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

http://www.aplacetoremember.com/mall/category.asp?cat=5

This place has a large assortment of ornaments and other memory gifts.


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

What a great friend you are.....it will mean so much to her if you send her a card letting her know that you are thinking of her at this sad time. The fact that you are remembering her baby and her pain will comfort her during this raw time.

An ornament is a great idea too, but even the simple act of a card, I am sure will mean so much. As others have mentioned, most people will probably not mention her baby to her for fear of "upsetting her" or "bringing back memories of the pain" but what most people don't understand is that it hurts worse to think that others don't care enough to mention the loss.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

You know, if you can make something (even if you're not crafty especially), that can be nice too - I always like it when people make things for me, whether it's for Josie or not, because it means they spent time thinking about whatever it is they've created and put some of their soul in there. I don't know if that makes any sense or not!







XXX


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

Thanks everyone....

My mom says I should send a regular Christmas card and that she probably doesn't want people to keep bringing it up.....but I feel that I should remember her grief and his life....


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

See.. your mom is how most people think. And who knows, maybe your friend doesn't 'want' people to bring it up.. but I really feel that most people who've lost a baby do WANT their child brought up.. I don't expect people to give me actual gifts in Dresden's honor.. but I would feel terrible if people didn't acknowledge him at all.. So, I feel like you came to the right place for advice on this subject... the momma's who are IN your friends shoes.. we want our babies remembered, and you giving her a card or a gift will probably make her cry.. but she's going to be sad and cry no matter what.. and it will feel good to know that people still remember her baby and still think about him.
You are a great friend!


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

but she's going to be sad and cry no matter what

That's what I thought....thanks...I feel better about sending her something....sorry for your losses....I just can't imagine.....


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtoS* 
Thanks everyone....

My mom says I should send a regular Christmas card and that she probably doesn't want people to keep bringing it up.....but I feel that I should remember her grief and his life....

NOT TRUE!!

people cannot say our children's names ENOUGH. we cannot be hurt more than having the loss of a child. like pps mentioned, the biggest fear is someone NOT remembering. all we HAVE is memories and we cling to those with every cell in our bodies....

please make something as was mentioned. or write something.


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## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
we want our babies remembered, and you giving her a card or a gift will probably make her cry.. but she's going to be sad and cry no matter what.. and it will feel good to know that people still remember her baby and still think about him.
You are a great friend!










So true!

I always tell people that they don't need to be afraid that they will make a grieving parent sad or cry. Its not like the person mentioning our child just suddenly made us remember "OMG I had a child that died! I forgot, how could you be so cruel to remind me?" Our children our with us in our hearts every minute o everyday. Sometimes closer to the surface than others, but there every moment. Saying their names may bring them closer to the surface, may make tears flow, but it feels so amazing to have someone else remember them too


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyto3girls* 
So true!

"OMG I had a child that died! I forgot, how could you be so cruel to remind me?"


YES! Beautiful sarcasm mommyto3girls!







That sounds exactly like something I would say!!


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyto3girls* 
So true!

I always tell people that they don't need to be afraid that they will make a grieving parent sad or cry. Its not like the person mentioning our child just suddenly made us remember "OMG I had a child that died! I forgot, how could you be so cruel to remind me?" Our children our with us in our hearts every minute o everyday. Sometimes closer to the surface than others, but there every moment. Saying their names may bring them closer to the surface, may make tears flow, but it feels so amazing to have someone else remember them too

Thank you for your post....I have never lost a child...thank goodness. But I always thought it would be something that you would think of everyday....even if it is a toy you would have bought etc.

I am definitely sending a card and personal note....and prehaps I will donate to a charity in his memory....HUGS


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## Mamax3 (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtoS* 
I am definitely sending a card and personal note....and prehaps I will *donate to a charity in his memory*....HUGS


I think that is an AWESOME idea!!!!


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

donating a gift in his honor is a fabulous idea!!! That would make me feel so happy!


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtoS* 
Thank you for your post....I have never lost a child...thank goodness. But I always thought it would be something that you would think of everyday....even if it is a toy you would have bought etc.

I am definitely sending a card and personal note....and prehaps I will donate to a charity in his memory....HUGS

I think that is a wonderful idea. You are a great friend to think about this so carefully.


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
donating a gift in his honor is a fabulous idea!!! That would make me feel so happy!

I was just going to suggest donating a tree (or some other living thing) to a local park or school or something.

Absolutely you should acknowledge your friend's DS. So glad you aren't listening to your mom!!


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## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
YES! Beautiful sarcasm mommyto3girls!







That sounds exactly like something I would say!!


Actually, after Sierra died, the principal at my school met with my students and told them not to say Sierra's name, and also held a staff meeting basically saying the same thing, told them to act like I had been out sick for a month.

When i found this out (after entering a depression as to why none of my co-workers or students seemed to care that she died) I printed up copies of her birth, life, and death story and left them out in the teachers' lounge, then I made up little notes to everyone that said

"Please ask me about my beautiful daughter, I carried her amazing life inside of me, you were all so very interested in my pregnancy, many of you feeling her move within my tummy, watching me grow bigger each day, planning my baby shower. You were all so eager to share her life with me, please share in her death as well.

I may cry, but believe me, you are not _reminding_ me that my daughter is dead. I carry that with me every moment."

A bit "in your face" but it worked, no one was affraid to talk about her with me after that.


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## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtoS* 
Thank you for your post....I have never lost a child...thank goodness. But I always thought it would be something that you would think of everyday....even if it is a toy you would have bought etc.

I am definitely sending a card and personal note....and prehaps I will donate to a charity in his memory....HUGS


The biggest triggers for me are hearing someone call "Sierra" across a store, or seeing a child her age. A donation would be very nice, a toy appropriate to the age he would be, or a donation to an organization that supports grieving parents perhaps?


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Wow...I can't imagine. How stupid! You'd think a principal would have been thoughtful enough to take the time to read up on how people react when their children die - not just to assume this is what they would want, based on an experience he presumably doesn't have... I am sorry you had to go through that. My own mother did too, after losing Finn, my brother. *hugs* X

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommyto3girls* 
Actually, after Sierra died, the principal at my school met with my students and told them not to say Sierra's name, and also held a staff meeting basically saying the same thing, told them to act like I had been out sick for a month.

When i found this out (after entering a depression as to why none of my co-workers or students seemed to care that she died) I printed up copies of her birth, life, and death story and left them out in the teachers' lounge, then I made up little notes to everyone that said

"Please ask me about my beautiful daughter, I carried her amazing life inside of me, you were all so very interested in my pregnancy, many of you feeling her move within my tummy, watching me grow bigger each day, planning my baby shower. You were all so eager to share her life with me, please share in her death as well.

I may cry, but believe me, you are not _reminding_ me that my daughter is dead. I carry that with me every moment."

A bit "in your face" but it worked, no one was affraid to talk about her with me after that.

Also, momtoS - I wanted to say something because you said something I've heard a lot lately. You said something like "I can't imagine". I've heard that, and I've heard variations like "I could never cope" or "how can you go on?" as well. I wanted to say that we do...if this ever happened to you (God forbid - I hope it never does), you would go on as well. This experience has given us all wisdom we didn't have before, but we're no different than you - we're the same. Our bodies are made the same, our hearts are made the same. We're the same - we've just had a tragedy happen to us. We don't have to live in hell...we don't - I don't, and I don't think others on here do. We don't have to be especially strong people or blessed people..we're just people.

I don't know why I had to get that out, but I had to. For me it's important not to differentiate myself from all the woman out there who've never had this happen - to be one in a fluid motion of womankind in the world. Perhaps it's therapeutic to think this way, but before, when I hadn't lost Josie, I remember thinking how much braver women had to be, including my mother, to endure something like this, when really, everyone has the strength. I think if I'd known that _before_ Josie died I might have done something with my strength, like gone ahead with my art career, or left my abusive ex sooner, or something like that.

I suppose in some ways we can function as visitors from beyond a tragic event, coming back into the society of women with a message "you are all so much stronger than you know".

I'm not sure that made any sense, but oh well!







XX


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
Also, momtoS - I wanted to say something because you said something I've heard a lot lately. You said something like "I can't imagine". I've heard that, and I've heard variations like "I could never cope" or "how can you go on?" as well. I wanted to say that we do...if this ever happened to you (God forbid - I hope it never does), you would go on as well. This experience has given us all wisdom we didn't have before, but we're no different than you - we're the same. Our bodies are made the same, our hearts are made the same. We're the same - we've just had a tragedy happen to us. We don't have to live in hell...we don't - I don't, and I don't think others on here do. We don't have to be especially strong people or blessed people..we're just people.

I don't know why I had to get that out, but I had to. For me it's important not to differentiate myself from all the woman out there who've never had this happen - to be one in a fluid motion of womankind in the world. Perhaps it's therapeutic to think this way, but before, when I hadn't lost Josie, I remember thinking how much braver women had to be, including my mother, to endure something like this, when really, everyone has the strength. I think if I'd known that _before_ Josie died I might have done something with my strength, like gone ahead with my art career, or left my abusive ex sooner, or something like that.

I suppose in some ways we can function as visitors from beyond a tragic event, coming back into the society of women with a message "you are all so much stronger than you know".

I'm not sure that made any sense, but oh well!







XX

You did JayJay







and I agree.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

This my sister's 2nd Christmas without her daughter and I made her a special ornament. I made the same ornaments for her son and her new baby girl. Last year we put up a special pink tree and decorated it with special ornaments that reminded her of her little one. I know she wants to know that other people still think of KyLeigh.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momtoS* 

I am definitely sending a card and personal note....and prehaps I will donate to a charity in his memory....HUGS

Someone did this for me... they donated to an organization that helps Jews make aliyah to Israel from other countries. We are Jewish so this was a touching gesture. To know that someone will be able to make that journey because of my son is amazing to me.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

Thanks everyone.

I bought a Christmas card, (I am not going to send the one that we are sending to everyone this year....with my two girls on it) I did find a cute card with puppy wearing a Santa hat and inside it says something like

Hope you have peace this Christmas.

That was the best one I could find...I did see cards in rememberence at Christmas but remember someone posting that they thought they looked like sympathy cards so I steered clear of those.....

I am still struggling with what to get to donate....but I have a bit of time.

I also emailed her the website about writing the childs name in sand (which is really beautiful) and she really appreciated it....


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

bumping for question in update.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

I would cut out the announcement and send it to her in a card. You can sign it or leave it anonymous.

It's a lovely thing to do, I'm sure she would want to know about it.


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

do you know anybody in her family or do you have any other mutual friends? maybe tell one of them and then they can say to her "hey look what I saw in the paper" or something like that


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## mommyto3girls (May 3, 2005)

I also suggest cutting it out and sending annonymously. That way you are sure she knows and she will have a copy to put in his scrapbook/memory box or whereever she keeps keepsakes


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