# The beginning of the end



## crayon (Aug 24, 2002)

I am 12 weeks today and on Monday I started lightly spotting. A week into a 1 1/2 month trip. Traveling down the Blue Ridge Pkway after a fun filled week in Richmond of triathlons for my daughters. Yes, I did spend most of Saturday and Sunday in the hot sun, standing on pavement- but, I have had 2 totally uneventful pregnancies thus far and I felt fine- great in fact.

Then the Blue Ridge happened. We stopped for a normal potty break and there it was, mixed in a bit with some morning love, traces of blood- not a lot, but enough to know something was not right. It happened the rest of the day, light, pink to brownish. Then I got a migraine and threw up, as is typical for me with migraines. We stopped in Asheville NC for the night. The next day I went to the bathroom, nothing- panic chilled a notch. Until, the next bathroom visit and then everyone since.

It has been 4 days since the spotting started. In those 4 days, I have seen my parents for the first me in nearly 3 years, drove to Orlando, got a condo, had a sick daughter and tried to put on a happy face while any second alone I am a wreck.

Here is what I am mad about:

Having to walk by pregnancy tests to buy pads for MY miscarriage.

People telling me to "have a great day"

The fact that miscarriage is non-selective. I mean honestly, we all know some people who should never-ever-never-ever breed, but yet they do, successfully.

The fact that at 12 weeks I am showing, well... Who wants to look pregnant and not be?

The fact that this is TOTALLY OUT OF MY CONTROL

The fact that it feels like it is not happening to me, but at the same time my soul is in pieces.

The cute stack of cloth diapers I brought to show my mom, that sit in a tub in my rented condo closet.

The fact that I had an IUD for 8 years.......

People on facebook- it is not their fault I know, but seeing people post about new babies, waiting for babies, and who is announcing pregnancies is like sticking a dagger in- deep.

The fact that I have to tell my children- who are 11 and 9 and fully aware and excited about the arrival of their new sibling.

The fear of this happening again.

The fact that I feel so completely alone in my fear.

And most of all- I am pissed off that my body is telling me my baby is not alive.


----------



## MindlessChrissy (Jun 7, 2009)

I am so sorry you are going through this. Many hugs.


----------



## avocet (Apr 8, 2014)

Oh Crayon, so so sorry you are going through this. Hugs. I hope you can find a way to nurture yourself, and create some safe space, it must be so hard to be traveling. I miscarried a month ago at 13 weeks and it was devastating, I had just started telling people, had gained 15 pounds so was really showing, and finally had let myself get really excited about the baby. Its heartbreaking. Please know that you aren't alone. So so sorry.


----------



## nsmomtobe (Aug 22, 2009)

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now, especially since you are away from home. Have you told your mother what you are going through? I think you should so that you are not facing it alone.

All of your feelings of anger are completely normal.


----------



## crayon (Aug 24, 2002)

Thank you all....

NSmomtobe: My mom knows- but, she recently told my sister that she was all worried I would MC- for no reason really.. I have had 2 uneventful pregnancies- my mom nor my sister ever had issues- so it was just out of the blue- I told my sister last week "she is crazy... I am fine".... So getting all overly emotional around her- and the fact that I have seen her a total of 35 days in 6 years, doesn't make me really want to gush out and cover her shoulder in tears. Don't get me wrong, I love her- but no.

We are actually sharing our condo with my parents- fun fun fun... I started spotting on our way down. Oh the timing of life and shit happening.

I just messaged my midwife to see if she could have blood work done on me in a few weeks. Because I am from MI and not going home until mid June... The way I get pregnant and the way me and hubs romp, I could very well be going home with another bun- but, I had an IUD- both copper and merina, for 8 years total. So, I think maybe I need to get my hormones check before the next go around.

I am so sorry for all of your losses mamas. This sucks, and for the ones who have had several losses... my heart breaks for you. This is a club no one should be a part of.


----------



## beedub (Dec 15, 2013)

Crayon, my thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry. Are you near the ocean? Maybe you'll find some solace and spiritual cleansing through being down there on vacay and by the time you return home you'll be refreshed and ready to begin anew. Hugs.


----------

