# toddler grabs toys from other kids



## tree-hugger (Jul 18, 2007)

When my 20 month old is around other kids who have toys (e.g. playground, play date), she thinks that she can just grab the toys from the other kids.

What am I supposed to do when this happens?

I agree with the Unconditional Parenting (Alfie Kohn) philosophy. That book was great for the theory, but it didn't have the concrete examples that I need.


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## LCBMAX (Jun 18, 2008)

Also trying an UP approach with 19 month old son... in these moments, I accidentally say something totally not UP first, like "Don't take her doll" and then my brain kicks in and I go with "See how she's crying now? She's sad that you took her doll without asking. Can you give her doll back and see if that helps her?" But if he just won't give it back, I do tend to take it from him and pass it along, and then he'll cry... so then I try affirmation and reframing, like: -You feel sad because you wanted to keep her doll? (tearful nod)
-And she felt sad because she wanted to keep her doll. (listening)
-Maybe next time you could ask her to 'share please' and see if she's ready to share. Sometimes people don't want to share, and sometimes they do, but if you ask instead of taking, your friends will feel more comfortable.

So some of this is UP and some of it is just what I can manage in the moment!


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## tree-hugger (Jul 18, 2007)

Thank you LCBMAX for your response. I have been doing the same thing that you described.

The problem for me is that if I ask her to give up something that she really wants to have, she usually will do it but only on her terms. For example, if I say "I really need x. Can you please give it to me?" She will say "no." Then I say "OK, well, I really really need it so pleeeaaase give it to me as soon as you are ready." Then often within a minute or so she will hand it over. This works fine for the salt shaker, my cell phone, or the wine glass when I don't need it right.now. But when she has grabbed something from another kid and that kid is howling bloody murder and the kid's parent is staring me down, I don't feel like I have the luxury of waiting until she's ready to give the toy up. However, it feels so wrong for me to forcibly take the toy away from her. I mean, how is she supposed to learn not to grab things if I am grabbing things from her. I feel very inept and don't know how to deal with this properly.


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## Shami (Oct 9, 2007)

I have been trying soooo hard not to think about the other parents in the heat of the moment. I try to focus completely on my dd the other child and what am I going to say to help them process their feelings. I do things about like you both. I ask dd to give it back to so n so and I wait. I think the intense looking into her eyes and the gentle pressure of the hand extended waiting for the object, is what causes her to give the object back.

If the parents were to ask why I do things this way, I would explain it very simply. I state my expectation to my dd and I wait for her to do it. I don't grab things out of her hand because I am trying to give her the opportunity to "do the right thing". She has never refused my request. She may refuse the first time I ask, but she has always "done the right thing" when I give her ample time to process it in her little brain.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

Hmmm... not sure if this is UP or not, but I tended to be much more directive at that age. At that age her grabbing tended to be an impulse and not yet knowing the social norms. Often redirecting her and letting her know the expectation was enough; it wasn't until she was older that she'd get upset and need validation. When she grabbed something, I'd state the expectation in positive terms.. 'Susie had the toy first so we're going to give it back to her now' while showing her what to do- putting my hand out to mime giving back the toy, holding her hand to help her do so- while at the same time offering DD a new toy. I tried to use simple phrases, like taking turns, that would help her figure out the social expectations.

I felt it was important to establish the expectation early, and give an air of non-negotiation about grabbing things from others (in a kind and supportive way). I figured other kids - and many other adults - wouldn't be at all GD about grabbing as she got older and I wanted to spare her those responses!

Now at almost three she hardly ever grabs, but when she does a reminder about taking turns is often enough for her to give it back. She is also more likely to express frustration and disappointment at having to wait her turn, so we are more likely to have conversations about that than when she was younger after she's given back the toy.


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