# How do I show my child that she has been unkind?



## Banana731 (Aug 4, 2006)

I am completely horrified by dd's behavior.

She had a friend, A, over for a playdate today, she was very excited when I told her A was coming over. Almost as soon as A got here dd began taking toys from A because she "wanted" them. She refused to ask if she could have it, or try to trade(which she will usually do.) When I intervene, I try to explain that it's not right to do that and she has to share with friends if she wants them to come over, and then I give her the opportunity to give it back, before I do. She screams no at me and whines and then gives me this earsplitting high-pitched scream when I give the toy back to A. So then I take dd into the kitchen and stay there with her until she calms down, and I explain all the things about sharing again. But as soon as we go back in the play room, it happens again. We do this little nonsense routine at least 3 times, and then the 4th time dd decides she wants to do what A is doing, she manages (with some guidance) to tell A that she wants to use the horse and ask if they can take turns. At this point A, who has been really tolerant so far, starts crying and tells her mom that she wants to go home. And no matter how I, or A's mom try to explain it, she doesn't understand that A is crying because of the what dd has been doing all morning. They leave the house, and the whole time from then until they leave and after they go, dd couldn't care less. She has absolutely no concept that her behavior was terribly unkind.

Mind you, dd and her friend are 3 year olds, and this is not their first playdate together.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can continue to chalk this up to 3yr old behavior. How can I just let her go on playing and acting like nothing is wrong now? I made her go to her room and told again why what happened wasn't right and that I wanted her to think about it until I came back. But it's only because I just couldn't do nothing, you know? I don't think that it's going to help in any way. Dh thinks we should make her give one of her baby dolls(the main toys in question during the playdate) away. But the both of us realize you can't "beat" morality into someone.

I want my child kind and mindful of others. We are that way with her, and to each other. Her friends are not like this. What am I doing wrong here? This is so upsetting to me and I don't know what to do. I'm pregnant, and maybe too hormonal for my own good and overreacting , but it doesn't feel right to see her act like this. I would appreciate any advice.


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## Twocoolboys (Mar 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Banana731* 
I don't feel like I can continue to chalk this up to 3yr old behavior. How can I just let her go on playing and acting like nothing is wrong now? I made her go to her room and told again why what happened wasn't right and that I wanted her to think about it until I came back. But it's only because I just couldn't do nothing, you know? I don't think that it's going to help in any way. Dh thinks we should make her give one of her baby dolls(the main toys in question during the playdate) away. But the both of us realize you can't "beat" morality into someone.


I WOULD chalk this up to 3 year old behavior. Sharing is HARD for 3 year olds! And, I don't think it is a concept that a lot of them get yet. My 3 year old son doesn't get it and neither did his older brother when he was 3. By the time he was 4, he started to get it, though it was still difficult. Now, at 8, he is a GREAT sharer, so don't throw in the towel yet!

I would not recommend giving any of her toys away as punishment or even sending her to her room for not sharing. I would recommend putting any of her most favorite toys up before company comes over the next time. I have never expected my kids to share their favorite toys. I ask them what they want to put away and I also put some other things away that I know they would get bent out of shape about sharing. (Of course, this is not an issue with my 8 year old anymore - we stopped doing this a couple of years ago).

I do tell my 3 year old before company comes that any toys remaining out are for everyone to play with and he will have to take turns with things. For some reason, the phrase "take turns" seems to work better than "sharing". I like to have toys out that there are lots of, like mega blocks, that everyone can play with. I also really recommend games that are not centered around toys. Maybe playing outdoors instead of inside where the kids can run instead.

I also recommend roll playing - pretend you are the other kid and practice having a play date. I used to do this with my older son and it worked. I need to start doing it with my younger son.

Your dd will get there, but she is still 3, so it will take some time.


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## Slabobbin (Jan 29, 2004)

I agree with the above poster. Three year olds are still pretty selfish creatures.









I would let her choose a few toys to put up and explain that the toys left out were for taking turns with. I also really like the idea of interactive games, running outside, etc.

I definitely wouldn't make her give any of her toys away. I don't know that she would even make the connection. I'm sure she is a smart little girl but I'm thinking that the "trauma" of the entire thing would trump the lesson that was to be learned.


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## melissel (Jun 30, 2004)

What they said. Is your DD very verbal? I always had a hard time with having high expectations of my DD's behavior because she was (is) SOOOOO verbal, and was very early. Many times, I had to check myself and remember that she was just two, or just three. And many people, myself included, didn't have terrible twos, we had terrible threes. Lots of people still consider them toddlers!

Be patient with her, she's learning









ETA that I just saw your sig and saw that you call her junior genius, so I guess I answered my own question


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## Banana731 (Aug 4, 2006)

She is ridiculously verbal, and opinionated, and stubborn. And I know that in the long run these are good qualities. But I want to teach her how to temper these things. My husband and dd are cut from the same cloth, and he had a really rough time in most of his young/young adult life because he was unable to do so. He was not good at being kind, for too long a time in his life, because he looked down on others who were not as courageous or as intelligent. I think that both of us would like for her to understand that. And while I realize she couldn't possibly learn all that now, you have to start somewhere.

I do try to clarify for her in ways she can understand. We do use the the term "turn" (We even use signs!) I actually have tried to do the putting away favorite toys thing and then everything else is for sharing, she doesn't seem to get it. Honestly I don't think it would help her even if she did get it, because she's not that kind of a kid. She doesn't have favorites of anything, not even stuffed animals to sleep with! She switches off every night and sometimes doesn't want one at all! What I couldn't understand was that she has 3 baby dolls, there were only 2 of them playing!

I don't think the sending her to her room thing was a good idea either, but like I said, I felt like I couldn't just act like it was okay. Maybe it was a good thing though, because when I went back in a few minutes later she was fast asleep. I'm hoping that she was just tired and that's why she acted out so. It's really difficult too, that all of her playmates seem to be really kind and good at sharing, even though they are the same age. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough on my end.


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## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

I think you found one solution: she was tired - perhaps over excited about the playdate too.

Most 3 year olds cannot be expected share and hardly take turns. It's still about instant gratification.

Don't compare your 3 yo with other kids. Yours is highly verbal, and she's working on that front. The other kids are working on other fronts.

If you suspect this may happen again, having lots of blocks or other type of shared activity - play dough, painting, sand-play, dancing, meeting at a playground might be a better plan for a playdate.

I think sending her out of the room can make things worse. It puts too much attention on her. If she gets violent or screamy, you may want to take her on your lap for hugs. It may seem to you like you're rewarding "bad" behavior, but she may have signalled that she was having a difficult time in the situation.

Also, I think prep-work goes a long way with 3yo, "A is coming over, and we're going to play XXX, does that sound like fun? Then we'll have ZZZZZ for a snack and then maybe do some YYYY."

Three is challenging - I'm living through it again right now.







:


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

You honestly cannot teach empathy at this age because 3 year olds just aren't ready. You will talk about it until you are blue in the face but it won't make a difference to her because she isn't cognitively there yet.

What I have done which worked well for me is this: Before a playdate, DD and I would go to her playroom and decide which toys were just so precious that she didn't want to share them. We would put those away. The rest she was willing to share. By empowering her to make these choices she was much more willing to be cooperative.

I think kids feel very invaded when a playdate comes over and just starts rifling through their stuff - I would feel the same way if my neighbor came over and opened my refrigerator and started helping herself.







But seriously, we have these expectations of kids that they should just automatically know how to share (or WANT to share) because it's gracious and yet we wouldn't put up with it as adults if somebody came to our home and started picking up our things - we would probably toss them out.

Good luck!


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## mammastar2 (Dec 17, 2004)

You can also try leaving off the playdates at each other's houses for a while, sticking with parks, outings, and so on.

If you want to capitalize on her verbal abilities and help her understand the relationship between the shift and the disaster-playdate, you can explain that it seemed really hard for her to take turns with her toys at the last playdate, which meant that it was not fun for her friend or, in the end for her, and that for now, so everyone can have fun, you're going to try activities everyone can share in.

We went through a long phase like that at that age, although dd was great at sharing other kids' toys at THEIR houses







. Then we transitioned to, for example, a pal coming over for a little bit to visit outside our place, sharing a tub of colored chalk and some bubble wands - pretty easy to share - then eventually she was old enough that it just wasn't a big issue to share anymore.


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## grassisgreener1334 (Nov 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveBeads* 
You honestly cannot teach empathy at this age because 3 year olds just aren't ready. You will talk about it until you are blue in the face but it won't make a difference to her because she isn't cognitively there yet.

I don't believe that's true in all cases. I know of a 3-year-old who is extremely empathetic and compassionate. In my opinion, it has more to do with the way the parents go about situations such as this one.

Instead of coming from the mindset of, "My child needs to learn how to share and be respectful of others" instead allow them to be how they are in the moment. After they're in a different emotional place (after a nap, typically) then help them see how the other person felt. They are much more apt to feel empathetic for their friend and next time around they might be more apt to be respectful (that is, if they've had a nap)







How many adults don't feel like being particularly respectful when they're tired and cranky? Not too many, I'd imagine. That doesn't mean we don't feel empathy, though...just not in that moment.

Letting go of expectations and following your child's lead is the key here, in my opinion.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QuantumMama* 
I don't believe that's true in all cases. I know of a 3-year-old who is extremely empathetic and compassionate. In my opinion, it has more to do with the way the parents go about situations such as this one.


Actually the evidence is that it has more to do with genetics and gender. About half of 3-year-old girls and virtually no 3-year-old boys are capable of true empathy, theory of mind, etc. (there are studies on this). However, they are capable of sympathy and compassion, which are not quite the same as empathy. Most developmentally normal 4-year-olds, however, are capable of empathy.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QuantumMama* 
I don't believe that's true in all cases. I know of a 3-year-old who is extremely empathetic and compassionate. In my opinion, it has more to do with the way the parents go about situations such as this one.

Sympathy and compassion are not the same as empathy. Empathy develops later than 3.


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## grassisgreener1334 (Nov 24, 2006)

Oy, you say one thing that is "not quite right" and that's what everyone focuses on. How much of that is simply our conditioning (and, thus, the way we condition our kids) rather than reality? I don't buy into that...


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

To be fair, it is a continuum of development http://www.interdisciplines.org/coevolution/papers/7/2. But what most of us mean by "empathy" refers to theory of mind, which has been rigorously studied http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_..._investigation.


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

My suggestion is that you really get a handle on the labeling stuff. Don't decide she's unkind or that she's destined for problems like her dad as a kid.

She's behaving in a not atypical way for a three year old. In general three year olds are egocentric and she's no different. She will learn it but it will probably take time, practice, mistakes, and patience. The main thing is in the process don't label her as the kid who isn't kind or isn't good at this stuff. She's behaving in a way that is quite typical for three year olds. She will learn this in time.

Since she's so verbal I would suggest role playing a bit ahead of time. You can use puppets or stuffed animals. How can they take turns? Practice having them do it. You can talk before the playdate about expectations. You can plan outdoor playdates - those seem to involve less of this sort of conflict. You can get a focus activity that sharing isn't required. Some examples: two balls just alike, two cans of playdough just a like, two bottles of bubble stuff, etc. She can put away some toys ahead of time that she doesn't want to share. She can meet a friend on a neutral turf like the park.

Also, if it fits into your scheme of things, preschool can be great for learning some of these social skills too - if you get the right school!


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

The crux of GD is understanding age appropriate behaviors. It is beneficial for us to understand what our children are capable of doing and what they are not capable of doing. I don't disagree that modeling is also beneficial but it is only as beneficial as the child is able to grasp. What I pointed out to the OP is that instead of focusing on being frustrated with her DD's limitations to see that they are not limitations, they are appropriate, and instead there are other things that can be done to mitigate the impact (such as what I suggested).


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar* 
She's behaving in a not atypical way for a three year old. In general three year olds are egocentric and she's no different. She will learn it but it will probably take time, practice, mistakes, and patience. The main thing is in the process don't label her as the kid who isn't kind or isn't good at this stuff. She's behaving in a way that is quite typical for three year olds. She will learn this in time.

Yes, yes and yes again. Where were all of you when my ds was 3???


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## Banana731 (Aug 4, 2006)

Thank you for all your replies. It's nice to have reassurance that her behavior is typical of her age. It's hard to remember sometimes when she excels at so many things, that developmentally, she's just beginning to become capable of others.


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## LoveBeads (Jul 8, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Banana731* 
Thank you for all your replies. It's nice to have reassurance that her behavior is typical of her age. It's hard to remember sometimes when she excels at so many things, that developmentally, she's just beginning to become capable of others.

One other thing that I thought of this morning: when you have a child who is tall and/or very verbal, it seems that you automatically have higher expectations of their behavior because they seem so much older than their peers. I know that I was guilty of this with my DD who is both tall and extremely verbal.


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## mom22girls (May 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LoveBeads* 
One other thing that I thought of this morning: when you have a child who is tall and/or very verbal, it seems that you automatically have higher expectations of their behavior because they seem so much older than their peers. I know that I was guilty of this with my DD who is both tall and extremely verbal.

That's an EXCELLENT point!!!

My dd wasn't tall, but extremely verbal. I do have higher expectations of her, and feel really let down when they're not met (even if she is being age appropriate!!). She is also very sensitive, helpful etc. and I really need to cut her some slack, and adjust my own expectations. Not always easy!!!


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## Ilovelife (Jun 6, 2004)

That sounds like every playdate my dd had this past fall.







Perhaps try meeting at a neutral spot instead of a home where the toys are all hers. Another idea--when you see her having difficulty like this, instead of trying to force the sharing, etc. try something completely different. "Who wants a snack?" or "Let's all sit down and read a story." or a book on tape, go outside to play, dance party, art activity, playdough, etc. Something that doesn't involve one child using one toy, needing to take turns. I didn't read through all the responses, but from your posts it sounds age-appropriate to me. HTH


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

I have been in the same boat many times with my now 4yo ds. He is extremely verbal and many times my dh and I had to remind ourselves that he is only 2 or 3 or whatever age at the time. We would treat him more like he was 5 because he just presented himself as older.

My ds's preschool teacher said that children this age can sometimes see a toy as an extention of their body...I thought that was a helpful visual. They are very egocentric and thinking of someone else's needs before their own is beyond them at this age.

What I've done is limit playdates with the children he has the most trouble. When we felt brave enough to try it again, we'd meet in neutral places as pp's have suggested.

For my ds, I realized that putting him in these situations too often just set him up for a bad time and set me up to feel extremely agitated. By backing off a bit and giving him more time to do whatever he wants without having to compromise or negotiate with a peer helped.

Good luck...it's really, really hard but I think it helps so much to know that this is normal and age appropriate. And the fact that you're pregnant certainly makes it more taxing.


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## julesmom (Apr 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *swampangel* 
My ds's preschool teacher said that children this age can sometimes see a toy as an extention of their body...I thought that was a helpful visual. They are very egocentric and thinking of someone else's needs before their own is beyond them at this age.

I believe that the idea a toy or another valued object may be perceived by the child as an extension of the self is very valid.

I have seen my ds's (3.5y) reactions to others taking/using favorite toys and this idea rings true for me.

I also remember an incident as a young girl (much older than three though) when I was very eager to give a toy for a charity drive at school. I chose a stuffed alligator I rarely played with but saw on my bedroom shelf every day. We had a collection box at school that stayed in the hall for a few days until all the gifts were collected. I cried EVERY day I passed by that box and saw *my* alligator in there. It was like I was saying goodbye to part of my "world" or "self". I literally never played with this thing (I didn't even like it really) and I wanted to give something to the charity. It almost felt as if I wasn't "protecting" something that belonged to me, though. It was very hard for me and that was at a much older age.

As ds goes through this stage, we've been doing the things mentioned by the pp's (neutral territory for playdates, favorite stuff put away, etc.)

I've gone from the "doesn't-feel-safe-sharing" child to the "shirt-off-my-back" adult, so I'm not too worried about future implications at this point







.


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