# I lost my baby...UPDATED birth story..did he suffer?



## thundersweet (Feb 28, 2003)

I went to the doc a little over a week ago with some spotting. I have had it on and off the whole time. Everything was perfect. I went on vacation Thursday night. Sunday, I woke with spotting and decided I needed to go to the ER in Michigan to listen for the heartbeat. They could not find one so they sent me to another hospital. There was no heartbeat and no movement. I saw it for myself. The baby measured 14 weeks 3 days and I was 14 weeks 4 days. It must have just happened.

What happened? I just don't understand. The only thing I did during that week since I saw the baby was I started taking milk thistle for all day sickness. Could this have caused me to lose my baby? I am just at a complete loss for words. We cut our vacation short and came home.

What am I supposed to do? I want to see my baby. Can I let this happen naturally? What will I see? Am I too far along for that? Kaiser is closed today so I can't talk to anyone.

I am heartbroken. This is my second m/c in a year. The other I was very early and never even saw the baby. I just saw this baby a week ago and it was just fine. How can this happen? I was almost 15 weeks.


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## MamaWindmill (Feb 5, 2005)

I am so sorry.


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## fallriverfox (Nov 16, 2006)

Please don't start wondering what you did to cause this. Please. There are so many reasons it could have happened that had nothing to do with what you might have done. You loved your baby and gave it a happy safe home for the time you had with it. You are a good mama.

You can talk to a doctor about your options tommorrow. You probably still can miscarry naturally if thats what you want, there are stories in the sticky at the top of this page that will give you an idea of what can happen.

I am very sorry


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

I'm so sorry.








I know that the very first thing that crossed my mind when I found out my baby had died was the medication I had taken the week before for a sinus infection. It's so hard for your mind not to go there...but please try not to blame yourself. Something terrible has happened to you but it was not your fault.
I hope you were able to get in touch with your health care practitioner today so you aren't still wondering what's going to happen next.


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## tripleblessed (Mar 21, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss...I feel your pain. Please know that you did NOTHING to cause this...sometimes it's a mixed blessing if the baby wasn't healthy. I have a friend who m/c at 14 weeks too and had testing done and found out the baby had Downs. I m/c a few weeks ago at almost 11 weeks and I strongly suggest you not try to do it naturally and have a d&c. I was struggeling with this decision and had a horrible result. I went into full blown labor (contracting every minute) a few hours before my scheduled d&c and it was so horrible...very painful...like giving birth with no happy ending. I felt sooo much better after the d&c and am recovering nicely. I also feel I will have more closure since I had the d&c they are doing testing to find out if something was wrong with the baby or not. Hang in there...update when you can.

Karen


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Yes you can deliver naturally, many mother have. But as a PP said it will be like labor. There are natural ways to jump start the process in stickies at the top of the forum, and also the stories of other women who have chosen this route. I delivered my daughter at 22wks and 3days. The labor even though it was induced was much faster than with either of my boys. I did not ever make it fully to transition and did not need to be fully dilated for her to deliver because she was so very small (1lb 3ozs and 11 inches long). But the labor itself was everybit as intense and painful. And it is different emotionaly as well. I couldn't make a different choice, I had to hold my baby. I had to do that one last thing for her. That is what I needed. But either decision is hard. With a D&C you will be put under and it will be performed. It is not totally with out pain, but definately not as physically painful as labor and delivery. But you will not be able to see and hold your baby. Most hospitals also will not give you the body for burial purposes. BUt if you want testing done it is easier if you have the D&C. If you deliver naturally you will essentially be having a homebirth without the happy outcome. But you will get to see your baby, and bury your baby if you so choose. IT's alot to think about, but unless you are feeling like your misscarriage is starting now you have some time to think about it. You can do whatever feels right to you.

I am so very very sorry for your loss. Please do not blame yourself. There is nothing that you did that caused this.







s


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## bobbie0253 (Mar 4, 2007)

I am so sorry









I was 14w when I m/c at home. My baby died at 11w. I rented a home doppler and knew the day my baby died. The hb was just gone. Just a week before that we had an u/s and everything was great. It took my body three weeks to realize something was wrong. This is my story.....

I woke up one morning to really strong contractions. Within minutes while I was laying in bed, my water broke. I got up to use the bathroom, thinking I had plenty of time to get myself together before the baby came out. It was 6:30am and still dark out. I never turned the light on in the bathroom and never thought twice when I flushed the toilet. I flushed my baby without knowing it. All the storied I read, and no one ever mentioned the baby coming out that fast. Just one big gush of water









The m/c was not too painful, but the bleeding was worse than I thought. It was just clots so I had no idea how much blood I was losing. By 1:00pm just 7 hours later...I passed out twice and couldn't lift my head off the floor without getting dizzy. I had rug burns from hitting the floor and there was blood everywhere. I should have gone to the ER but I was stubborn. I still thought my baby was in my body







I spent two days sleeping on my bathroom floor because I couldn't physically get up. But I still had hope of seeing my baby. After five days the bleeding was gone but I hadn't seen the baby or the placenta. So, I called my doctor and they did an u/s that showed just some placenta tissue with blood flowing to it still but no baby. My cervix was still dilated. I was risking serious infection. I then gave in and had a D&C to remove the tissue that wouldn't quit. My body fought this m/c with all it had.

I was out of work for two weeks. I lost 10 lbs. My skin looked yellow and it was hard just to function.

The D&C itself was soooo easy. I felt fine within an hour of getting home. I was pretty sore the next day though.

If faced with the same decision again I would have a natural m/c. Sounds crazy, but even though my baby got flushed at least I know it was flushed by me. I also feel like going through a mini labor helped me heal. Just being able to have my water break and have contractions made this pregnancy feel "real". It didn't feel like a dream. It happened, the outcome was bad, but I know my angel was there.

There is no right or wrong decision. Just be REALLY careful if you m/c at home. If you feel even slightly dizzy, get to the ER.

It's not an easy choice you have to make.... but you will make the right one for you. Lots of HUGS and prayers coming your way.


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## MySunflowerBoys (Nov 22, 2005)

I read you update on the Nov board. I'm so sorry for your loss! My heart goes out to you. Please take care.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I am so, so sorry you are facing this difficult decision. Read the sticky at the top of this forum - many of us have posted our excperiences to give you an idea what you are in for either way. Only with more information can you make the right decision for you. I have m/c'd twice, both earlier than you are now, and they were sooooooo different from one another. Take care, and may this baby pass in peace from you.


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## thundersweet (Feb 28, 2003)

I just wanted to update you guys. I did opt to do the cytotec. It was inserted at 3pm and my baby was born at 12.:01 the next day. I was surprised I really had no pain. Some minor cramps from time to time. I finally went to bed because I got tired of waiting. Right after I laid down I felt a pop or something that felt like a shift. My ds started crying and I got up and the water came gushing out. I screamed "OMG, my water just broke." I sat down on the toilet and out came the baby totally unexpected. It was really fast. I reached down and felt something and it scraed me. The baby was hanging by the cord. I waited for more to come out and when it didn't I reached down and oulled the cord and it snapped. I did not expect to see what I saw. A tiny baby, 5 1/8 inches long. It was a boy with perfect everything. Really small hands and feet but perfectly formed. It was something I will never forget. The cord was wrapped around his neck many times. We think this was the cause of death. The doctor had never seen a baby this big before from m/c. She was not expecting to see this either. She was visably upset and said how perfect he was. I saved the sac and placenta and they were able to send it off for testing. I kept my baby since we thought it was more likly a cord accident rather than do an autopsy. I had him cremated and my other two children picked out a small urn for him. We named him William Theron. Theron was my dads name. William just kept popping in my head so I went with it.

It is still heavy on my mind and hurts very bad. Everyone has gone on and I feel so lost. Why did my baby die this way? It's just not fair. I need to find an answer to my burning question.

Did my baby suffer??

If anyone has any info into early cord deaths I would appreciate letting me know. I want to know if it was a tramatic death for him. Did he feel pain?I can only imagine he did.

Hugs to all of you!


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## rach03 (Dec 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry









I'm glad that you got to have your little one at home and keep him, I'm sure that means a lot to your family.

I don't know much about cord accidents, especially earlier in pregnancy, but I did want to say I honestly do not think your little one suffered. I think he drifted slowly off to sleep in the warmth and comfort of his Mama's womb. I think all he knew was love, warmth, and touch...no pain.

I don't have any expertise to base that on, but that's what I think. I couldn't read this thread and not respond.


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## miguelsmom (Jul 8, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## mommyto4grits (May 26, 2006)

I am so sorry! Please don't second guess anything you did or didn't do. My prayers to you and your family.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

s I'm sorry- I cannot say yes or no to whether your son experienced any pain as I really don't know what it would be like living in water like our babies do inside of us- I'm sure it is much different than our world of air... But rest assured- he felt your love and warmth and strength the whole time he was with you.








s


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## Mamma Mia (Aug 3, 2005)

I so sorry for your loss. Studies show that the fetus doesn't develop their central nervous system fully enough to feel pain until about 28 weeks. It's unlikely that your baby suffered. Please do not beat yourself up about this. Peace to you in your time of grief.


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss, and there are too many of us here that share your experience, and even one is too many. My daughter died of a cord injury at almost 29w, and questions about her suffering consumed me at times. Her perception was described to me as someone drifting off to sleep and being unconscious until there was no more oxygen--a very peaceful way to die with little to no awareness of what was going on. I am not sure your beliefs, but i wanted to share post #6, which is description I posted in another thread on this board of what I felt leading up to my daughter's death. I really feel that I experienced her death through her eyes, so to speak. I hope this gives you some comfort. Again, I am so sorry.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are w/you.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

So sorry for your loss mama.


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

Your son has a wonderful name.









You are not alone in wondering if your child suffered. It's a heartbreaking thought, and I certainly hope that the answer for all of us is "no". Still, when you're the mom, you feel like you should be able to take care of everything and make it all okay. Not being able to have done that hurts in the worst way, at least, that's how I feel.


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## kyangel80 (Oct 5, 2005)

Many, many ((((((hugs)))))) to you mama.

I'm sure your son did not suffer. He drifted off to sleep while he was still in the warmest most snuggly place in the world.









I'm sure your heart is aching, and I hope you find comfort. I almost lost my ds to a cord accident..........


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## varaonaid (Jul 20, 2006)

I'm so very sorry for your loss. What a traumatic experience. I can't imagine.

Please don't blame yourself. You did everything you could to be the perfect Mom to little William.


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## Rosie_Kate (Dec 6, 2005)

I am so sad to hear your story. I just want to tell you to go ahead a greive.
For as long as it takes. Do whatever you need to do. Sometimes other people don't seem to realize how hard it is-- to suddenly not be pregnant anymore, not looking forward to meeting your baby, not making plans, not growing that precious life anymore. Do something in remembrance of your sweet, tiny boy. Cry, wail, tell your story, go ahead and feel it. Grief is a process, and it works well. You'll never really get over it, but you will feel better when you're ready.


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## thundersweet (Feb 28, 2003)

Thanks so much ladies. It's nice to know I have the love and support from all over the world. I am starting to feel better but I know there will always be a hole in my heart where he should be. He is now resting on the mantel between framed pictures of both of my children. Just where he should be.

Thanks so much!


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## Summerland (Aug 9, 2005)

hugs, im so sorry for your loss


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## gal_sunshine_383 (Nov 10, 2005)

I am so sorry for the loss of your little baby boy! I am glad that you were able to see & hold him!

Thinking of you & your Angel!

((HUGS))


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

IF your little boy suffered at all (and I truly, truly don't think he did) he is at peace now. Thinking about what happened now is just torture. He is not suffering now.

It's awful for us, but don't you think that passing on while in your mama's womb must be the most peaceful, loving place to pass from this earth?

I'm so very sorry that you lost your little boy. Take care.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

I am so sorry about your son. I also lost a son, and continue to wonder what really happened. While pregnant with my daughter, they found very low amniotic fluid, which was probably the cause of my sons death. Some say that the babies can't feel pain, but do they really know??? But there is truly nothing we can do about it now. Take care of yourself. Never forget.

Mary


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## ohblueeyes (May 4, 2004)

s I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Please remember that your baby knew and knows your love for him.

I wish you the time and support you need to heal.


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## Nicole913 (Jun 2, 2006)

So sorry for your loss mama.


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