# Are you sensitive to other people's opinions when your kids misbehave?



## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Aagh. Just got home from a _very_ trying day out. I'm still processing what happened, and am not sure what I think. I'd like to have other perspectives for that reason!

I have a very rule-following 5yo, a very lively, clownish, mischievous 3 yo, and an 18 month old who finds his sisters' antics hysterically funny. I decided today to take them all to our little amusement park, where I have a membership. We go there at least 10 times a year, and it's all very familiar to them. I don't tend to go to other places much without dh or a friend, but feel fairly comfortable going to the amusement park as the girls know their way around and we have a good routine and understood way of doing things so that I can keep them all supervised.

Anyway, my 3 yo started off on a bad note. She decided she wanted a toy from the souvenir store, and threw a major tantrum when I said no. Sitting in the pathway, screaming, kicking, hitting - the whole 9 yards. I see this as totally normal behaviour, and took the 20 mins it needed to help her work through it. Fortunately ds was happy in the backpack at that time, and my 5 yo wandered around looking at things nearby and wasnt too bothered about waiting. But I was sooooo acutely aware of eyes on me. I really struggle with the temptation at times like this to resort to the sort of old-fashioned parenting that I went through (not spanking, that's not an issue, but threats, and an attitude that this sort of behaviour is brattish, manipulative and ungrateful, not normal 3 yo frustration.)

I struggled with myself to stay focused and try to validate her feelings, and not resort to threats, but I could hear in my mind all the people around thinking what a soft touch I am. Does anyone else struggle wiht this?

Anyway, we got over that one, but the issue kept coming up over and over during the day. Every little reminder would set her off again, although not to the full tantrum, just enough to make life difficult for all of us.

So, then about 15 mins before the place shut, they wanted to try out a balancing log beam over a shallow water pool. They've never done it before, but I thought what the heck, we'll have some fun. I took off my own shoes so that I could walk with them and help them the first few times, then left them to try on their own. I had one change of clothes for each of them, which they both needed after 5 minutes. Not because they fell in, but because they both managed to wet themselves.









They wanted to go on it again, so I said that if they did, they had to understand that if they got wet they'd have to go home wet, I had no more clothes wtih me. They then got wild. I mean, wild. Dd#2 especially. She's such a clown and dd#1 lives vicariously through her sister, egging her on and enjoying the show. And the 18 month old on my back was shouting at her, "ooh me, ooh my!" (his latest phrase when anything they do makes him laugh.) So, the 3 yo starts 'falling in' on purpose, sitting in the water, throwing it around, screeching with laughter, etc etc. (There were no other kids going across, the place was almost closed, but there were families walking past as they made their way out).

It was honestly really quite funny, althouhg I didnt show it as I knew that once I'd laughed aloud, that would have been it and I'd have had dd#1 in there too. I didnt really want her sitting in teh water (it's not too clean.) But I could see how it was just too tempting to a 3 yo not to get carried away. Heck, earlier I'd had to ask a group of ten 5th graders in a school party not to throw water at each other right by me and the baby.

OK, so I did get frustrated (but tried not to show it) after 5 or 10 minutes when she wouldnt tone it down and come out. I was gently/firmly trying to bring an end to the antics, I didnt laugh at her, but was at a loss after a while as to how to get her to calm it down. But my feelings were definitely magnified 100x by the looks I was getting from people walking past. It's not that I'd actively think it OK for my child to cavort in a pond, but given that she was doing so, I don't see it as the worst misbehaviour in the world. I don't like who I become when I'm dealing with misbehaviour in public. I felt like everyone around me was thinking that I should be 'disciplining' her, ie yelling/shouting/threatening/physically carrying her out the park. I was working to getting her out and home, but I wasnt prepared to wade into the pool with a toddler on my back, and try lugging her out. FIrst, it wouldnt have felt right, and second, it probalby wouldnt have worked. She's not a tiny thing, and I had a 30lb toddler on my back. I'd have probably ended up sitting in the pond myself.









So, if you walked past a scene like this, how would you feel? Personally, I think I"d smile at the mum, maybe if I had a spare hand, ask if she needed help (I had bags around me and dripping clothing lying out on the floor), or maybe even make a comment about the exhuberance of childhood. Certainly I wouldnt glare at her and make her feel crappy, as if her children were the most out of control monsters in town.

Or am I just too lax in my acceptance of childhood stuff?









Typing it out now, it all seems quite funny. I did get them into the car and tell them that if they didnt listen to me in future we'd not be able to go there without dh, meaning that they'd only get to go occasionally at weekends. That did sink in, and they both understood that they had been out of order. To me, that's far more valuable than yelling at them at the time, although of course none of those families saw that side of my disciplining.

God, I need to get these kids to bed tonight and have a stiff drink. This was definitely one of those more memorable days.







:


----------



## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I honestly would have thought you were a great mom, and been delighted to see your kids having such fun getting wet. I would have admired your ability to let them have fun and get messy. Me and DD probably would have gotten in there with you. I would have been reluctant to offer help, thinking you probably know how to deal with your children alot better than I could, but would have willingly done whatever you asked if I saw you were struggling.


----------



## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Yikes mama







:

Sounds like a VERY testing day. With three kids under 5. As your 3yo would say "ooh me, ooh my!" I sometimes feel like I am ready to loose it with just one!

And you kept your cool (even if you did not feel that way inside)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Britishmum*
Does anyone else struggle wiht this?

YES! I do too







It just makes it twice as hard









Quote:


Originally Posted by *Britishmum*
So, if you walked past a scene like this, how would you feel?

I would definately offer to help...

...unless the woman strugling was like me with "don't-anybody-dare-say-anything-to- me-right-now" look on my face (why? "offence is the best defence" learned I





















and BECAUSE I am so concerned about what others think... logically I KNOW I shouldn't, I tell myself I shouldn't, I tell others I am not, but I am







)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Britishmum*
Or am I just too lax in my acceptance of childhood stuff?









I think you actually very much in-tune with the "childhood stuff"









Stick with it mama. Temptation may be there, it's whether or not we act on it that matters.

My.. with three little kids at the amusement park...


----------



## Soundhunter (Dec 13, 2003)

I always try my best to focus just on Emma, because I do not handle things properly when I'm not focused on her and the present moment. I come from an abusive childhood and find that what I need to keep a grip, stay calm and not over react is to tune everyone else out but her, losing control is a very bad thing for me, so it's a big focus of my daily life to not lose control of myself when she is losing control of herself, especially when we are in public. Must be more challenging with three kids, sounds like a very rough day!


----------



## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

We were all chatting about this very same issue on the Unconditional Parenting thread. Kohn discusses this in his book...how we often allow ourselves to fall into parenting behavior that goes against our general philosphy in the presence of others.

I totally respect your composure, to be able to wait this out and get home. No harm done. Who cares what others may (or may not) have been thinking????


----------



## twin monkeys (Mar 8, 2006)

Honestly I would have laughed about it and thought what a great mom. I know my 2 17 mo old have been wild before but they are kids they were not in any harm they were having fun. Think of it this way how often when you are out shopping,running errends, ect and you see someones child in a similar situation what is the first thing that pops into your mind? If people agree w\ GD then they know everything is OK if they don't then do you care what they think? Will you see them again? You know if it looked like you were struggling or very frustrated I would probbly have said wow it looks like you have your hands full can I do anything to help you out? but for the most part I am so worried about keeping an eye on my two I don't think too much about what other people are doing unless it looks like their kids could be in harms way.
I hope that made sense but to me it sounds like you are doing a great job mama keep it up.
Tiffany


----------



## jazluv99 (Jul 11, 2005)

i guess i don't pay much attention to others when i'm out and about. i don't really care what others think. i've had to defend my decisions enough to family members that total strangers don't phase me. i'd prolly be more apt to make comments if someone was yelling (or worse) at their child (i've been known to do this from time to time).

as far as what i'd do if i walked by that scene, i'd prolly be too busy dealing with my own crazy lil hooligans to even notice. keeping up with 2 and 4 yr old lil boys keeps me busy most of the time, lol.

i think you did great!!


----------



## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I like the idea of keeping focused on your children.

My basic philosophy is: if a parent hasn't experienced a moment like these, then either they have supernaturally well behaved children or they haven't been a parent very long. Both of the events you describe came at somewhat difficult transition moments (arriving/leaving a place of great excitement).

And if you were at my local park yesterday you would have seen our dd running around without pants on, but fighting with me over keeping her shoes on. She wanted to wear underpants (her request) and she peed on herself just before getting to the park. It was just a quick walk (about 5 mins from our house) and I hadn't thought to bring a change (I'm not quite in potty training mode yet!). Then she decided to sit down and take off her shoes. She absolutely MUST wear shoes there because it's a public park and I don't know what's under those wood chips. So, she'd take them off. I'd put her on the bench and say "you need to wear your shoes." and put them on. She'd get off and take the shoes off again. Repeat scene (she's screaming madly "shoes OFF." the whole while.) There were a 1/2 a dozen other parents/families there.

What would YOU have thought if mom were calmly, but firmly putting dd on the bench to keep her shoes on, while letting her run around bottomless? I decided it wasn't worth thinking about! We all have our weird, frustrating, parenting moments. I'd be much more ashamed to have someone hear me yell at my kids than to do what you were doing!


----------



## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

I've dealt with this a lot recently. I had to go to a chiropractor for some physical therapy and they kindly agreed to keep an eye on DS so that I didn't have to find a babysitter. All of the treatment had me attached to something or in another room. Keep in mind that I am a very hands on type parent, and sitting there listening to DS getting into stuff was KILLING me by inches. I thought for sure they must think that I was the worst parent ever. However, as we kept going to the office, I noticed that they didn't care at all that he was being a normal, inquisitive child. They told me that they loved having him come in because he is so cute! I still had to coach myself through every session mentally, "Relax. They don't care that he's spreading stuff all over the PT room. If they do they'll ask him to stop..."

And just today in the pediatrician's office DS was hell bent on opening the door into the hallway. I just kept repeating, "Please leave the door closed." over and over again. I thought they must think I was a bad parent because he kept doing it, but they were smiling at him and interacting with him.

I am beginning to realize that maybe I'm putting thoughts into other people's heads... maybe the whole world isn't against kids who act normally







.


----------



## Msalise (Apr 28, 2006)

First off I got to give you a







.. Your way more braver than I am. My kids are 14 months apart. And dear gawd, I would not take mine anywhere without a friend or my husband. I'll go







: When I walk by parents and I see they are having trouble. I usually ask them if they need help. Becuase I usually feel the same way you do. Can't anyone help me and hold something for me!! SHUEEESH







I think you did a wonderful job!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Britishmum*
Aagh. Just got home from a _very_ trying day out. I'm still processing what happened, and am not sure what I think. I'd like to have other perspectives for that reason!

I have a very rule-following 5yo, a very lively, clownish, mischievous 3 yo, and an 18 month old who finds his sisters' antics hysterically funny. I decided today to take them all to our little amusement park, where I have a membership. We go there at least 10 times a year, and it's all very familiar to them. I don't tend to go to other places much without dh or a friend, but feel fairly comfortable going to the amusement park as the girls know their way around and we have a good routine and understood way of doing things so that I can keep them all supervised.

Anyway, my 3 yo started off on a bad note. She decided she wanted a toy from the souvenir store, and threw a major tantrum when I said no. Sitting in the pathway, screaming, kicking, hitting - the whole 9 yards. I see this as totally normal behaviour, and took the 20 mins it needed to help her work through it. Fortunately ds was happy in the backpack at that time, and my 5 yo wandered around looking at things nearby and wasnt too bothered about waiting. But I was sooooo acutely aware of eyes on me. I really struggle with the temptation at times like this to resort to the sort of old-fashioned parenting that I went through (not spanking, that's not an issue, but threats, and an attitude that this sort of behaviour is brattish, manipulative and ungrateful, not normal 3 yo frustration.)

I struggled with myself to stay focused and try to validate her feelings, and not resort to threats, but I could hear in my mind all the people around thinking what a soft touch I am. Does anyone else struggle wiht this?

Anyway, we got over that one, but the issue kept coming up over and over during the day. Every little reminder would set her off again, although not to the full tantrum, just enough to make life difficult for all of us.

So, then about 15 mins before the place shut, they wanted to try out a balancing log beam over a shallow water pool. They've never done it before, but I thought what the heck, we'll have some fun. I took off my own shoes so that I could walk with them and help them the first few times, then left them to try on their own. I had one change of clothes for each of them, which they both needed after 5 minutes. Not because they fell in, but because they both managed to wet themselves.









They wanted to go on it again, so I said that if they did, they had to understand that if they got wet they'd have to go home wet, I had no more clothes wtih me. They then got wild. I mean, wild. Dd#2 especially. She's such a clown and dd#1 lives vicariously through her sister, egging her on and enjoying the show. And the 18 month old on my back was shouting at her, "ooh me, ooh my!" (his latest phrase when anything they do makes him laugh.) So, the 3 yo starts 'falling in' on purpose, sitting in the water, throwing it around, screeching with laughter, etc etc. (There were no other kids going across, the place was almost closed, but there were families walking past as they made their way out).

It was honestly really quite funny, althouhg I didnt show it as I knew that once I'd laughed aloud, that would have been it and I'd have had dd#1 in there too. I didnt really want her sitting in teh water (it's not too clean.) But I could see how it was just too tempting to a 3 yo not to get carried away. Heck, earlier I'd had to ask a group of ten 5th graders in a school party not to throw water at each other right by me and the baby.

OK, so I did get frustrated (but tried not to show it) after 5 or 10 minutes when she wouldnt tone it down and come out. I was gently/firmly trying to bring an end to the antics, I didnt laugh at her, but was at a loss after a while as to how to get her to calm it down. But my feelings were definitely magnified 100x by the looks I was getting from people walking past. It's not that I'd actively think it OK for my child to cavort in a pond, but given that she was doing so, I don't see it as the worst misbehaviour in the world. I don't like who I become when I'm dealing with misbehaviour in public. I felt like everyone around me was thinking that I should be 'disciplining' her, ie yelling/shouting/threatening/physically carrying her out the park. I was working to getting her out and home, but I wasnt prepared to wade into the pool with a toddler on my back, and try lugging her out. FIrst, it wouldnt have felt right, and second, it probalby wouldnt have worked. She's not a tiny thing, and I had a 30lb toddler on my back. I'd have probably ended up sitting in the pond myself.









So, if you walked past a scene like this, how would you feel? Personally, I think I"d smile at the mum, maybe if I had a spare hand, ask if she needed help (I had bags around me and dripping clothing lying out on the floor), or maybe even make a comment about the exhuberance of childhood. Certainly I wouldnt glare at her and make her feel crappy, as if her children were the most out of control monsters in town.

Or am I just too lax in my acceptance of childhood stuff?









Typing it out now, it all seems quite funny. I did get them into the car and tell them that if they didnt listen to me in future we'd not be able to go there without dh, meaning that they'd only get to go occasionally at weekends. That did sink in, and they both understood that they had been out of order. To me, that's far more valuable than yelling at them at the time, although of course none of those families saw that side of my disciplining.

God, I need to get these kids to bed tonight and have a stiff drink. This was definitely one of those more memorable days.







:


----------



## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Thanks everyone! Boy, I feel better now. (A glass of wine helped too.







)

I know it's crazy - I dont know those people, nor do I know for sure what they were thinking (although I can guess from some of the looks I got!) and will never see them again. And I know that my kids are not 'out of control' (most of the time, anyway







) I just can't help feeling those eyes on me and starting to want to act like I was parented. Yikes, why do I even feel that they need to be 'controlled'. I have some real work to do on my own mindset, I know.

I need to reread Kohn. I know intellectually that I'm doing the right thing at times like that, but I find myself almost caving under pressure.

On the plus side, after I had the chat with the girls in teh car, they apologised (not for the water incident, but for not listening when I had said it was time to come out and leave the park) and then asked if we could have ice cream when we got home. A huge part of me wanted to say no, they didnt deserve it. I thought of Kohn, and said that we'd talk about it when we got home. I couldnt quite bring myslef to say yes right then. But we did get home and have ice cream, and a light hearted chat about the whole scene.

Dh thought it was all very funny, and reminded me of a time when dd#2 stripped off buck naked at a similar park to go 'splash' in the pond. after dd#1 had fallen in the water accidentally. I was 8 months pregnant, and had to carry them both out the park naked and screaming. Boy, I never learn, do I? But I don't want to stay home all summer going stir crazy in the house, so I keep letting myself in for these crazy scenes.







:


----------



## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

I would have thought you were a fantastic mom, and that the onlookers were uptight (and I would have felt sorry for the onlookers' children).

I hear you. I have a spirited 3 1/2 year old, and often get looks. It used to bother me a little bit, but now it doesn't. I just remind myself that my job is to do what's right by my child, and to hell with what anyone else thinks.


----------



## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

honestly, i'd probably be thinking "thank god i'm not the only one".







:

it sounds like you're a great mom, but you're human. things like that get to me too, and sometimes i do succumb to the pressure and act in ways i'm not proud of. never spanking of course, but *that* tone...you know the one...the one that's more about "don't embarrass me in public" than "don't do that behavior right now". anyway, i've been there...and it sounds like you handled yourself beautifully.


----------



## marsupial*mama (May 13, 2006)

I'm reminded of the quote from The Little Prince:

"Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them." (by Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

Keep up the good work mama!


----------



## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

You sound like a great mom. I know it can be hard, we all struggle with the what are people thinking problem. It reminds me of the day I had to take our car to the dealership for what was supposed to be a quick repair. I loaded up with books and some toys...my son was happy to read on my lap, then he was happy to walk around with me looking at cars. But after an hour of being very mellow, his energetic little boy self just came tumbling out. He started running laps around the big fish tank and then started playing chase with another toddler and shrieks of glee came pouring out. I'm looking around at all the people in business suits trying to work on their computers and my heart sank. I figured I was being viewed as a horrible mom. I eventually distracted him with some water. But as we were preparing to leave, a woman came up to me (insert feelings of dread) and said, "I just wanted to tell you that you and your son have such a great relationship. It is clear you spend a lot of quality time together and I really enjoyed watching how you interact." (Insert feeling of glee/pride/relief). So we really don't know what people are thinking. Most people probably thought you were doing a fantastic job being patient.

Kris


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RedWine*
I would have thought you were a fantastic mom, and that the onlookers were uptight (and I would have felt sorry for the onlookers' children).

I understand what you're saying in the rest of your post, but that's quite a rush to judgement about the passersby. OP, were they all really "glaring and making you feel like crap" or did you see a couple of odd looks and just feel on display and sensitive to what others might be thinking?

I'm pretty mainstream compared to many people who post here, and all I think when I see a child having a meltdown in public is, "Poor kid's having a hard time." I never think anything bad about the mom, whether she's sitting there ignoring the tantrum, crouching down talking quietly to the child, or scooping the kid up to go to the car. I figure in whatever scenario she's implementing a strategy that she feels will work best at the time.

I would certainly hope that no one would misinterpret my empathetic glance as something that makes me "uptight" and that she should "feel sorry for my kids."


----------



## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean*
I understand what you're saying in the rest of your post, but that's quite a rush to judgement about the passersby. OP, were they all really "glaring and making you feel like crap" or did you see a couple of odd looks and just feel on display and sensitive to what others might be thinking?

I'm pretty mainstream compared to many people who post here, and all I think when I see a child having a meltdown in public is, "Poor kid's having a hard time." I never think anything bad about the mom, whether she's sitting there ignoring the tantrum, crouching down talking quietly to the child, or scooping the kid up to go to the car. I figure in whatever scenario she's implementing a strategy that she feels will work best at the time.

I would certainly hope that no one would misinterpret my empathetic glance as something that makes me "uptight" and that she should "feel sorry for my kids."

Hmm, I've tried to work out what the onlookers truly were thinking, and to see if maybe I project my own insecurities onto them - and imagine that they are critical when maybe they are not.









I do know that one group (two families, plus grandparents etc) were definitely 'interested' in me - earlier I'd stopped to nurse ds, and ended up right next to their two babies in strollers, bottles propped. I rarely see that here, and just about never feel that anyone notices me NIP, but I'd picked up on their exchanged glances.

Maybe that was partly why I felt so under the microscope when dd had her water fun - I knew that group were going to pass by (we were right by the exit, and the place was closing), and I knew that they'd already noted our very clear differences. Silly, I know, but I felt like dd's behaviour would confirm to them that I am a crazy hippie mama with no standards or discipline.

And boy, yes, that 'Don't embarrass me in public" feeling came back to me from my own childhood - although 'embarrassing' events for me would have been things like taking the last cake at tea time, not cavorting around semi-naked in a pond.


----------



## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

I doubt that the onlookers where thinking that you were a bad parent and should have been yelling or threatening punishment. Most of them probably have kids and I would bet that they were feeling sorry for you because they did see that you had a young child on your back and couldn't go in after the child. Most parents have been totally humiliated by their children at least once and most have gone through the tantrum phase so I wouldn't assume that they think that you are a bad parent because your children have tantrums and won't listen when they know you can't back up your words by going in after them in the pond or carrying them out of the amusment park. Most people with kids understand that it is hard to carry one out and impossible to carry two or three out.


----------



## FrozenMommy (May 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Britishmum*
But my feelings were definitely magnified 100x by the looks I was getting from people walking past.

It's too bad that in our culture it's not considered okay for us all to help us out...this would have been the perfect opportunity for another mama to come up and say, "Looks like your little girl is having a lot of fun! Is there anything I can do to help you bring her out so that you don't have to wade in there with your other kids?" or something to that effect.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

One of the biggest mommy lessons I've had to lern (and relearn) is I'm the paprent and need to fucus on the task of parenting and what others think really doesn't matter they don't know.. Like last week I took Cecilia and we met her friend at Burger king where they played did fine but when it was time to leave mine threw a prize winning tantrum. My friend was cool and patient but some ladies watching had this look of " If it were my kids" but they had no idea that 1) tantrums are extremely rare for us 2) SHe was overly tired 3) We live in a small cooped up apartment and this was her chance to run around and she likely knew home was were we were returnig and she being 3 can't process that dislike in words... 4) Is none of her bussiness
It also sad to know that for many the parent saying I'm see you up set and calmly trying to calm there child while of course preventing destruction or harm to themselfs or others is looked down on while the parent who drags there kids out smacking them along the way is seem as the good parent.







:

Deanna


----------



## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

THis is a HUGE struggle for me!

I would have laughed seeing your kids, Britishmum! And made sure we said something nice or smiled.

It's hard out there.

And WORD to the whole notion that people want to see you dragging your kids out threatening them. I think people get really, really frustrated with kids and have a real desire to take that frustration out on them. (Perhaps b/c many of us have never been able to learn how to deal with frustration when we were little.) Who knows....


----------



## mom2evan (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *michelemiller*
honestly, i'd probably be thinking "thank god i'm not the only one".







:









:

I so rarely see children acting like children where I live that I am always abjectly grateful when I see another mama with REAL kids. It's when I see toddlers and preschoolers acting like mini-adults that I get truly concerned.

I am very sensitive to perceived judgments about my parenting when DS and I are in public places. It has something to do with negative experiences I have had personally; for example, when DS was 18 months old, just before Christmas, DH and I took him out to dinner at a local pub after a long day of work and daycare. We knew we were taking a chance and were completely prepared to leave if DS couldn't handle it. DS sat quietly at the table for a good half hour, and when he became restless, DH took him outside. DS was getting a kick playing with the latch on the door, and DH tried to redirect him to other activities so he wouldn't get hit by the door. I had our food wrapped, paid the bill and got up to join DS and DH outside. As I approached the door, DS started to cry because DH moved him away from the door so some people could leave. An older woman in the lobby area turned to her adult son and said "YOU were never a MONSTER like that."







:

It also has something to do with negative societal attitudes toward children. I remember reading an article not long ago about a coffee shop somewhere that had banned children because their presence was too disruptive for patrons. The owner was quoted talking about "permissive" parents whose children did horrible things like (gasp) talk in loud voices. I swear, every time I went to our local coffee shop for a while I was convinced that every single person there was glaring at me and DS for disrupting the zen of their coffee experience. I also recall reading a post on another board by a woman whose DD had been kicked out of a "family" concert because her DD was squealing in glee (not crying, just making happy noises).

So I do tend to believe that the majority of people around me are likely to be unsympathetic and even downright disgusted whenever DS has a toddler moment in a public place. Not once has anyone offered to help me or been openly sympathetic, but on several occasions (as above) people have been downright rude or hostile.

As the OP said, I find it difficult to adhere to my own parenting values in public and not give in to perceived pressure to get DS to "behave." I often feel ineffective because I can't get him to do something (get into the carseat or leave the playground) or to not do something - but that's a 'doing to' mindset (I can't get DS to behave), rather than a 'working with' mindset. I don't feel that way nearly as much if no one is watching!









To the OP, it sounds like your kids had a blast and you handled it beautifully. It's not like any of your children was causing any harm to person or property.


----------



## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Wow, I must live in some crazy good-vibes vortex -- virtually everyone my DS and I have encountered in public has been either neutral or nice and understanding. I'm sure we'll endure our share of annoyed glances in the future, and I'm sure I'll struggle not to feel bad about my parenting decisions at those times, but I guess for now I choose to believe that those who exhibit no reaction aren't secretly thinking awful things about me.


----------



## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

In the beginning I was subconscious. Especially the one time my 3 yr old held onto a water pipe and refused to budge because she wanted ice cream, yet I had zero money to even get her one.

But, now, I don't care what others think. I only care about what my children think and how they feel. I find it is way easier to be GD and AP when I am only thinking about them and not others.

I can't even remember the last 'tantrum'...I find when you use GD _ALL the time_, there are no reasons for your children to 'throw fits'/tantrum. They know you, the parent, want them to be happy and they also want you to be happy, so, they will do their best to communicate their wants/needs in a way that will be understood. Ie-they know tantrums do not work and not because you have threatened/spanked/hit, but because you have respected them in the past when they have communicated their wants/needs.
And, no, it is not easy as an adult to always listen and hear what they are saying, so, anyone who says you are taking the 'easy road', uke on them.


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Yes. I am sensitive to what people think.

I am spoiled. My son is a real angel most of the time. When he has a tantrum, I sometimes don't know how to take it. Like, "Who are you and where is my kid?" He's three, so it's tantrum time, developmentally.

But I realized that every time I reacted calmly and supportively to his tantrum, it cut short. Also, other adults--to the extent they connected with me-- were really supportive of what I was saying and doing.

I already laugh like a maniac with one funny little kid. If I had three, one on my back saying something hilarious as commentary? I would be totally unable to keep a straight face. If I were a passing adult witnessing it? I would have laughed myself silly. Just so you know!


----------



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I would have a) smiled at you and b) felt good to see someone else with lively, free-spirited, strong-willed kids who was parenting gently.

ETA: Often I do feel uncomfortably aware of others watching me deal with a difficult situation, but I stubbornly hold my head up, mentally. I do remember one time in an airport when I was carrying a screaming, thrashing child (she had a leaky, poopy diaper that was in danger of getting all over the airport playspace) and felt very awful and red-cheeked and self-conscious, but honestly that may have been because *I* wasn't very happy with my parenting either (though what could I do?)


----------



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Quote:

I find when you use GD ALL the time, there are no reasons for your children to 'throw fits'/tantrum.
Hafta disagree with this, though. Sorry.







My child has been known to throw tantrums at her toys, or because the moon went behind a cloud.


----------



## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

Tantrums happen. I don't even have a toddler, only a 7.5 month old, but I understand toddlers loose it sometimes, no matter what.

I would much rather see a mom not screaming, threatening or hitting her kid when they are having a tantrum. I usually just smile at mom and shrug. I never give dirty looks, unless mom is smacking them or threatening them.

Anyone who has kids knows that ALL TODDLERS sometimes have tantrums. No biggie! It sounds like overall your kids had a good day. You did well!


----------



## WNB (Apr 29, 2006)

Trust your judgment, and focus dealing with real problems, not other people's perceptions (over which you have absolutely zero control).

Sounds to me like your kids had a blast, at no one else's expense (i.e., they were not mocking any other kids, destroying/damaging any of the park property, monopolizing play equipment, or anything like that) -- so ignore the busybodies


----------



## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain optimism*
I already laugh like a maniac with one funny little kid. If I had three, one on my back saying something hilarious as commentary? I would be totally unable to keep a straight face. If I were a passing adult witnessing it? I would have laughed myself silly. Just so you know!

OMG, yes, I had to struggle to keep a straight face. It was hysterical, but sooo frustrating at the same time. Hard to explain, but all these conflicting feelings washing over me, as I wondered if we would ever get her out the water and get out the park. I could imagine having to call the park manager to get her out LOL. I kept starting to laugh, but had to turn away, as I knew once I"d done that, dd#1 would have been in there too, and then I'd have been sunk.









But nobody going past even cracked a smile, which made me feel that they definitely disapproved. Literally, just stared at us. Ugh, it was awful.

I realise that I need to work on not caring what people think.

Re not tantruming if you GD, I can't say that I agree. I have never spanked my kids, or come close to it. I think I"m as close to GD as most people manage - even though I find it hard in public. My first child almsot never tantrumed. #2 can do it like a pro, and #3 is almost as good already. I see it as developmental, and I think personality comes into play. With dd#1, over the toy, I'd have explained I didnt have money for toys, she might have whined a minute, but that would have been that. I do exactly the same wiht dd#2, but she can carry on about it in quite a spectacular way for half an hour if she is in the mood. She just cannot handle disappointment in the same way. She's more impulsive all round, which was demonstrated quite clearly when she 'fell' in the water.


----------



## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc*
Hafta disagree with this, though. Sorry.







My child has been known to throw tantrums at her toys, or because the moon went behind a cloud.

Exactly! Many tantrums actually have very little to do with parenting style at this age (not true at older ages), they are estentially a "short circuit" in the child's brain. Toddler brains have way too many neural connections and the mylenization process is not complete (that is the nerve coating that keeps them from touching each other). Think of two live wires touching each other and you will have sparks. They are a natural part of development...experts actually worry about young children who NEVER have tantrums.


----------



## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc*
Hafta disagree with this, though. Sorry.







My child has been known to throw tantrums at her toys, or because the moon went behind a cloud.

Sorry, I meant as they get older and past the tantrum stage. If you have consistently used GD throughout that stage, you are less likely to see it reappear at a later age.

Ie-both of my 10 yr olds, I think the last time they had a tantrum was over 6 yrs ago. Every once in a while they will groan/moan/stomp around but not the flat out kicking screaming like I have seen their peers do.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc*
Hafta disagree with this, though. Sorry.







My child has been known to throw tantrums at her toys, or because the moon went behind a cloud.

I agree my three year old just had a melt down because there wasn't a lizzard stuck to the outside of the living room window







: Tantrums happen thats actually part of GD its knowing that kids can be kids and no amount of punishing or "spoiling" is going to magically make those issues go away. its why I cringe when I hear experts "guarentee" perfect kids if you just use these methods. Heck the other day I stormed out of the kitchen mad cause DH drank the last of the OJ.


----------



## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

Sorry, I meant as they get older and past the tantrum stage. If you have consistently used GD throughout that stage, you are less likely to see it reappear at a later age.
I agree its less likely but truthfull its less likely in punitive families also. Truth is as we gain better communcation there is jsut less need to tantrum and our opnions for the most part eaither get a better say or we learn to not bother complaining. I also see lots of families who really establish neither (my brother) so kids are eaither ingnored till the whine and tantrum or thats just the buttons they learn works. Not good in any situation.


----------



## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean*
I would certainly hope that no one would misinterpret my empathetic glance as something that makes me "uptight" and that she should "feel sorry for my kids."

If your glance is empathetic, that's one thing. If it's glaring, that's another. I don't know what the OP actually experienced, but I've definitely experienced glaring, not empathy. That's when I feel bad for those parents' kids, and that's when I think, "to hell with them."


----------



## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Soundhunter*
I always try my best to focus just on Emma, because I do not handle things properly when I'm not focused on her and the present moment. I come from an abusive childhood and find that what I need to keep a grip, stay calm and not over react is to tune everyone else out but her, losing control is a very bad thing for me, so it's a big focus of my daily life to not lose control of myself when she is losing control of herself, especially when we are in public.









You just described me to a Tee!


----------



## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc*
Hafta disagree with this, though. Sorry.







My child has been known to throw tantrums at her toys, or because the moon went behind a cloud.

I agree, and me too. We can certainly frustrate a child with unrealistic expectations, but sometimes we can meet their needs and frustration happens and tantrums happen. I think it's normal. I swear when ds2 was born, ds1 could not,get.enough attention, and stuff hit the fan. I'm all for GD, but every time I see the attitude that completely GD'd kids have needs met and don't act up, it sounds no different to me than the mainstream attitude that kids shouldn't act up and it's all the parents fault. I think it's too simplistic and hard on moms.


----------



## redwolf2 (Jan 3, 2006)

Slightly









I have to share this...DD doesn't go but a few hours between tantrums and she threw one the other day, she usually throws herself on the floor, she did it this time but went head first, now she has a big ol' rug burn on her forehead.







: Am I a bad mom for laughing at this in hindsight?









namaste


----------



## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

My DS is only 10 months old and I cannot believe I am already dealing with people's opinions on his behavior. First of all, when you tell a 10 month old "No!", they giggle like an egg just exploded on your head and go right back to whatever they were doing. My son is verrrry vocal and likes to giggle and scream and squeal. We have been at restaurants and he starts playing with his toys, or sugar packets, or whatever else we've given him to keep him satiated, and people start giving us dirty looks. What my son isn't allowed to be a baby and have fun??
The future doesn't look good either. My grandfather and his wife are very doting of my cousin's three "perfect" children. Now I will admit that her children are fantastic and they are very well-mannered little people. But the way Grandpa goes on and on about how good they are at dinner and in public and everything else makes me scared. I feel like if Paddy isn't just like my cousin's kids then I will never hear the end of it. Paddy is very outgoing and vocal and I know he will be a very spirited toddler. But I have a feeling this isn't going to go over very well







UGH he's only 10 months old right now!!!


----------



## ^guest^ (Jul 2, 2005)

Oh mama...I think it's just plain sucky that people (many of whom don't have kids at all, i've noticed....) feel the need to give you that "eye of judgement" whenever one's kids are acting..like..well..KIDS! It makes me wonder if there is some age when people forget what it's like to be young and in love with the world around you. I think you did awesomely. I've honestly only ever given someone the eye of judgement when they were openly ignoring a child in public. I was at a mall and this woman was pushing her baby around in a stroller, and the woman's mother (or possibly grandmother) was with her. The baby was screaming, and it was obvious the mom wanted to pick her up and hold her, but the older woman kept saying "Don't you dare pick her up, she's not going to die in there!". I could have breathed fire on her I was so peeved. I felt so sorry for that baby.

I do get a bit miffed when people start giving me the eye. My daughter is a bundle of impulse and a veritable whirlwind of energy. She doesn't tantrum in public often, it's mostly just trying to get out of something (her sling, stroller, chair, whatever is keeping her from exploring where ever we are), and people give me the "keep her on a leash!" look. They don't really understand that to DD is passionately explorative and every new place we go is new territory to conquer. It's something I love about her, but is apparently undesirable to others in public


----------



## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

LOL just remembering more crap I've dealt with recently... Was at prenatal appointment and DS and DH were with me. DS will NOT just sit nicely on your lap when there are other kids to play with, houseplants to attack and eat, and everything else. So I set him down on the floor to stretch his legs and crawl around. This older woman kept looking at him, looking at me, looking and him, etc... And i'm thinking WTH is your problem lady? It's either let him crawl around and you can be courteous and watch your step, or we can sit here while I restrain my son from being himself and he screams bloody murder. DS is 10 months old, but has always been a petite baby, so people have mistaken his age for as young as 6 months. They think he should be strapped down in an infant seat or something.







arrrrrrg I hate people


----------



## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

I've gotten it from older people, which I immediately discredit b/c I assume they're thinking like my parents wrt to discipline-- i.e. discipline equals obedience and immediate yanking/spanking if they don't comply. I glare right back.







It does make me mad, b/c I'm just so sick of mothers being judged in public for every little thing.


----------



## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MamaInTheBoonies*
Sorry, I meant as they get older and past the tantrum stage. If you have consistently used GD throughout that stage, you are less likely to see it reappear at a later age.

Ie-both of my 10 yr olds

I agree they are less likely and kids are more likely to be cooperative if you do GD all the time. But it still won't eliminate tantrums completely for some kids. For example, when our son (age 5) doesn't get the attention/time with me he needs, he's still prone to meltdowns.

Example; Yesterday was a very busy day for all of us, at the end of a busy 10 day period. I'd had about 5 hours of sleep a night for the last week or so, and I had briefly fallen asleep while driving home from taking my parents to the airport (thank God for rumble strips!) and absolutely, positively needed a nap to be able to function. Unfortunately, I also hadn't spent much time with our son. He absolutely lost it when I went into my room to take a nap (he had lain down with me for about 30 seconds and then decided to get up, and lost it when I told him that he needed to stay out and not talk to me.)

I think the difference is the REACTION that a GD parent has to these kinds of meltdowns. I knew it was because he was low on "mommy time", and dh, thankfully, took the kids out for a walk so I could sleep. A punitive response would have been to send him to his room/to spank/punish him because he wouldn't 'let me sleep'.

But back to the OP -- remember, you will never see those people again, and that they are probably far more worried about their own kids than they are to be judging your parenting. That was an "aha!" moment I had relatively young -- people are always FAR more interested in themselves than they are in you!


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

OP: I think you did great. Your kids were having fun. That's the point of an amusement park, right? You were dealing with it, not ignoring it.

I don't like it when I see kids running wild in public while their parents ignore it. But, to me, "running wild in public" means getting into other people's stuff, splashing "innocent bystanders" with food or water or whatever, damaging other people's property, etc. (I once saw a child taking french fries off another patron's plate in a restaurant and his parents completely ignored it, while the poor man tried to nicely get this kid out of his supper.) I do not see using "outside voices" as running wild, if the kids are outside. I do not see children laughing - even hysterically - as running wild. I don't see splashing each other as running wild. I see that as children having fun, and being children. If someone wants to give me dirty looks because dd is having a good time, then maybe the sourpuss should stay home. I don't care much what other people think these days. I did when ds1 was little, but that's because I didn't feel that I was doing very well with him (no time, no energy, no money, etc.).

If parents are trying to deal with it when their kids run amok, I'm cool with it. I don't care if what they're doing isn't working very well, as long as they're not just sitting back on vacation and ignoring it while their kids careen into old ladies on the sidewalk.


----------



## siouxm (May 30, 2006)

I was happy to read this thread, I have often wondered the same thing.

It sounds like you did a great job. Your children were just excited and having a good time. If other people can't appreciate that, then that is their problem, not yours.









I find myself acting differently when I am around relatives or friends who do not have much patience for the antics of a 3 year old. I get tense and feel a need to "control" her behavior. But not so much with strangers.


----------



## soybeansmama (Jan 26, 2006)

to the OP,

You handled things exactly how I would have...I get so frusterared with the comments that I get (mostly from the inlaws) about what and EASY parent I am. My son is 2.5 years old. I have to lower my expectations a little and meet him where he is at. I don't know why some people are content with the struggle to make children act like adults rather than to let them go through what they need to developmentally. My son behaves better when I let him explore and when I accept him for where he is at. It is a constant battle between me and DP, but that is a whole different post!

Good for you for keeping your cool (and for only having one glass of wine---what self control you have!)

jessica


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Britishmum*
So, if you walked past a scene like this, how would you feel?

Honestly? I would have either laughed or at least smiled at the mom and her kids. I'm very outgoing so there's a roughly 99% chance I would have walked up to the mom and started a conversation with her, while letting her know I completely agree with how she is handling the situation.

For the record, my little guy has had a few breakdowns in public. I handle them exactly as I would in the privacy of home. I care much more about my son than the opinions of snooty adults I don't even know, and probably never will know.









~Nay


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

In my previous life as a person without kids I may have passed judgement, not sure. But definitely now, as a mother of two, I just think "thank goodness other people have these days" and totally sympathize with them.

I do feel the glare of the public eye on me (whether I'm imagining it or not is up for debate) and I struggle to focus on my child and what my child needs, rather than the stares of onlookers. It is really hard, though. I feel that pressure.

My other "issue" is sometimes I feel like I'm an Ambassador of GD. In other words, everything my kids say or do is going to stand as a representation of GD, and if the kids are having a bad day, the adults will think this is what GD results in. We're going to visit some friends in a couple weeks that we haven't seen since our kids were much younger. I'm planning on giving them a copy of UP (they did AP, Sears, etc). I'm secretly afraid that if DD is difficult they will write off Kohn as a flake.


----------



## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*

My other "issue" is sometimes I feel like I'm an Ambassador of GD. In other words, everything my kids say or do is going to stand as a representation of GD, and if the kids are having a bad day, the adults will think this is what GD results in. We're going to visit some friends in a couple weeks that we haven't seen since our kids were much younger. I'm planning on giving them a copy of UP (they did AP, Sears, etc). I'm secretly afraid that if DD is difficult they will write off Kohn as a flake.









OMG, I feel exactly like this! I have a couple of friends who are skeptical about GD/non-spanking. Sometimes I feel stressed about how my kids behave because I am worried that these friends will conclude that GD doens't work or that one must hit to have well-behaved kids.

Sometimes when I am with my friend who is on the fence about spanking, I feel like she is viewing Sorin as "exhibit A" in favor of spanking. I hate that I feel this way and I hate even more that it stresses me out and frustrates me so much! I just want to scream, "They ALL misbehave at times!! Hitting him would not help!!!"

Piglet, do you have strategies for dealing with this? If anyone else has tips/advice for dealing with this, I would sure welcome it!!


----------



## earthhugmama (Oct 1, 2005)

We get a lot of public comments when we go out since all my kids are young (3 kids, 3 and under) and I've told my kids that a lot of people have things to say just to be social and that a lot of it (most of it) is meaningless but mostly are attempts to say "hello". I get "you must be busy" at least once during every outing and it drives me nuts!

When it comes to having to discipline my kids in public I am quite adept at ignoring the public voice since usually it is rather unimpressive and completely unhelpful in most of my experiences (ie. my daily unwanted 'busy' comments).

I would not appreciate anyone stepping in when I was in discipline mode with my kids unless one of my kids was about to run across a busy street and then could provide some restraining help but other than a major need like this I don't see any reason to accept help from a stranger that neither me nor my kids know or 'trust'. I handle discipline moments in public the same as I would at home and ignore or correct (politely of course) the unwanted comments/attention that we get in public.

Just last week my neighbor was drilling into my son's ear, "you must listen to your mother" and I just spoke over top of her continuing with my gentle discipline/playful parenting approach. It seemed that from her perspective that I was not in 'control' of the situation since I was not taking a more authoritative role, but I got ds in the house from playing outside (he is quite taken with the backyard) without a struggle and with full co-operation. And just yesterday after overhearing a discipline moment with ds the same neighbour opened up a conversation with ds by saying "are you being a 'good' boy?" grrrr, this manipulative comment just irks me. Ds was completely confused as he is unaware of that terminology....this might be a little OT, just had to vent I guess.

Yes, tantrums come and go and what I've learned is to stay calm empathize and move on.

I have a few more thoughts to add to this post but will submit this post for now and add another post later...


----------



## Soundhunter (Dec 13, 2003)

To me, the issue isn't whether or not people are looking on with judgement, of course they are. People are so opinionated about parenting, in a crowded place, of course some people are passing judgement. I feel it all the time, I have prominent tattoos, and am pretty lazy about dressing myelf some days. My daughter is hyper and prone to climbing and jumping and other acts of physical expression that have been characteristic of her since she was in the womb, it's not a discipline thing. Yet people often look on and I can tell that they think I should reign her in, which I could in most instances if I agreed that it 's important, but I often don't. The judgemental looks ARE there though, but we can't let it affect our relations with our kids, at moments when the parent and child need to focus on each other the most.


----------



## Soundhunter (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Piglet68*
My other "issue" is sometimes I feel like I'm an Ambassador of GD. In other words, everything my kids say or do is going to stand as a representation of GD, and if the kids are having a bad day, the adults will think this is what GD results in.

The nicest teenagers I've ever known where GD'd throughout their childhoods, it's too bad we can't offer previews of the results to the skeptical onlookers.


----------



## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthhugmama*
.

I would not appreciate anyone stepping in when I was in discipline mode...

Hi!

I know you weren't addressing me, but I took the OP's question to mean "what would you have done if you walked past to see my kids splashing in the water, and me standing on the shore watching them?" That's why I said I would most likely stop and chat. If a mom can stand and wait patiently for her little munchkins to get out of the water, she must be all right.









~Nay


----------



## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peacelovingmama*
Sometimes when I am with my friend who is on the fence about spanking, I feel like she is viewing Sorin as "exhibit A" in favor of spanking. I hate that I feel this way and I hate even more that it stresses me out and frustrates me so much! I just want to scream, "They ALL misbehave at times!! Hitting him would not help!!!"

hehehe yeah, I feel that way in front of friends. I want ds to be "good" just to prove that I'm right







(But I realize that's *my* issue, so I try not to put it onto ds).

With strangers, I get some kind of wierd happiness if I think they're looking at me like I'm too permissive. I don't know how they look at me really. I intentionally don't look, I pay full attention to ds.
Its only happened with "tantrums" at the store because I won't buy candy or some-such-thing. I empathize and tell him that I know it sucks to want something and not be able to get it.
And if I've already told him he can have something else (ie, if he wants a sucker or caramel, and I've told him to put it back and he can have chocolate), he gets it whether he cries or not. I'm not going back on my word just because he's sad about something. lol


----------



## MammaKoz (Dec 9, 2003)

I just had to reply because I've BTDT too







I honestly would have thought you were a great mom! And I would have stopped to chat too and let my kids join in!









If I see situations like that, if I can I always smile and try to say something supportive like "oh we've been there before!







" and then laugh or "I'm so glad I'm not the only one" and laugh again, because I know what it's like and I know the few times a fellow mom has said that to me, just that little smile and supportive comment about how I'm not the only one goes a long way for me, so I always try and pass the support along to other moms going through the same thing. And quite honestly when I see a situation like you went through the other day, that is exactly what I think "Thank goodness at least I am not the only one who goes through it!"









I find I am very aware of what I think people are thinking about me when I am out in public, but for some reason reading UP by Alfie Kohn has really helped me let go of that. I guess maybe I'm much more solidified in my parenting beliefs now then I was before.

I'll share my "oh what a day story" cause it sounds much like yours









There other day we were at the Science Center with my kids (DD is 3.5 and DS is 2) and we were there for almost 3 hours, so by the time it rolled around to go both my kids were in massive sensory overload. Matty kept taking off running everywhere trying to play (ie destroy at this point) stuff and Maria wanted to play on the little computer. So while my best friend tried to contain and distract Matty I sat with Maria. I did all my UP style of stuff, let her play, explained that it was a short play on the pc and we were going to be going soon the science center was closing etc etc. Did the whole "okay 5 more minutes, 3 more minutes etc etc", & I could see the staff anxious for us to leave. Well Maria (my 3 y/o) was not going to listen, it just wasn't going to happen she was too tired, hungry, overstimulated, and frustrated and NOTHING I was doing was working. So I calmly picked her up and said okay, we have to go now. And in front of everyone she slapped me HARD across the face and started screaming at me







Ahh ya gotta love her spunk.









And for the first time I didn't care what others thought, truly didn't care. I would be pissed off too if someone just yanked me from my computer when I was in the middle of doing something, no matter how much warning I got.







I was calm, addressed her frustration and we left quietly. And it was such a great feeling to not care what others thought and feel totally connected to her and understand where she was coming from. I don't condone what she did at all, but I know WHY she did it and we talked about it, just like you did, in the car on the way home and all was well. But you should have SEEN the looks on peoples faces when she smacked me.







:

So when I see situations like yours I just think it is normal behaviour for little kids and I admire mothers more that can keep their cool in times like that (like you did), then the mothers who yell, lose it and bark orders and have compliant kids, yk?


----------



## slightly crunchy (Jul 7, 2003)

I think you sound like an awesome mom!

I too have the most trouble when I am in public, or around disapproving relatives (especially my own mom! :0 need to start a thread on that).

If I had passed you I would have sympathized, maybe smiled at how mych fun the 3 yo was having...and tried to walk quickly by so my own child (4 yo) would not have started to jump in there too! LOL! Really, I can SO see myself in that scenario with him.

I think kids being kids is a wonderful thing...as long as what they are doing is not detroying property, or infringing on the enjoyment or safety of others in the park (obviously).


----------



## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MammaKoz*
So I calmly picked her up and said okay, we have to go now. And in front of everyone she slapped me HARD across the face and started screaming at me







Ahh ya gotta love her spunk.









OMG, I forgot that bit - she did hit me, when she was having the tantrum over wanting the toy. The look I got from the saleswoman was classic, ie what a brat, I'd _never_ have _dared_ do that to my mother.







And I could almost _hear_ her thoughts when I quietly told dd that it was not OK to hit, although I understood she was upset. I'm sure I made for some good conversation at coffee break.







:


----------



## MammaKoz (Dec 9, 2003)

Quote:

I'm sure I made for some good conversation at coffee break.
It probably did







'Cause ya know when they were all 3 year olds they were perfect.
















I think people honestly forget how they felt when they were children and how frustrating it can be to be a child in an adult oriented world.

And FWIW I was an expert on children, parenting and raising kids too until I actually had my own.


----------



## familylove (Mar 14, 2006)

Britishmum,







I would have been totally undone by the time the water incident occurred









Quote:


Originally Posted by *siouxm*
I was happy to read this thread, I have often wondered the same thing.

It sounds like you did a great job. Your children were just excited and having a good time. If other people can't appreciate that, then that is their problem, not yours.









I find myself acting differently when I am around relatives or friends who do not have much patience for the antics of a 3 year old. I get tense and feel a need to "control" her behavior. But not so much with strangers.

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I just came back from a vacation with friends and I felt like my every parenting decision was met with rolled eyes. Their goal was control and, by the end of the vacation, I found myself slipping into that as well.







: The kids were "situations" to be dealt with instead of being made an integral part of the whole group. Rules were everywhere. And the thing is, the kids that were supposedly under the most control by their parents were also the kids that were hitting, grabbing...waiting until parents weren't watching to smash my DS with a toy. Then it gets blamed on DS b/c "he's not used to playing that way". Correct, he's not used to playing that way b/c he's been taught, through gentle guidance, that hitting is wrong.

DS is also a rather finicky eater, and much of the vacation I came in to find other parents trying to bribe, cajole, and shame DS b/c he wasn't falling into line. All I could think to do was place myself b/t the other parent and DS and encourage him to eat what I'd given him. But I really feel like I failed him on several occasions during this vacation...and I don't want it to happen again.

I think I need to get a backbone and be prepared to speak out next time.


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Not at all. I don't because I have a lot of confidence, just as a person. When my kids were really small, and I was less experienced, the only person who bugged me (not made me less sure) was my mother. Strangers in public have never had a hold on me. Nor fellow playgroup moms. I also don;t think kids 'misbehave'. Little children get hungry, over-whelmed, over tired and aggravated. I don't think it's a moral issue or a reflection of my parenting if kids get upset or need a nap.


----------



## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UUMom*
I also don;t think kids 'misbehave'. Little children get hungry, over-whelmed, over tired and aggravated. I don't think it's a moral issue or a reflection of my parenting if kids get upset or need a nap.

I agree. I used the word misbehave in the context that the onlookers seemed to consider it misbehaviour, which puts pressure on me to want to control it more.

I maybe should have put quotation marks around 'misbehave' to make myself clearer.


----------



## MammaKoz (Dec 9, 2003)

Quote:

Little children get hungry, over-whelmed, over tired and aggravated. I don't think it's a moral issue or a reflection of my parenting if kids get upset or need a nap.








That is such a great point and something I think all parents need to remember.

I'm printing that out and taping it to my fridge to remind myself of that on a daily basis when things get a little nutty around here.







:


----------



## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MammaKoz*







That is such a great point and something I think all parents need to remember.

I'm printing that out and taping it to my fridge to remind myself of that on a daily basis when things get a little nutty around here.







:

Promise me you'll clean up the typos first!


----------

