# The Stillbirth of Micah Ray Milligan lll



## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

It has taken me 8 weeks to do this though I have wanted to from the beginning... so painful but I want to share.

ETA- This turned out to be extremely long. Just felt I should warn.

My due date came and went. I was 4 days overdue and I just knew today was the day I would have my baby. It was the day of my cousin's baby shower- her first and long awaited baby after years of fertility issues. I awoke that morning with a few contractions and felt "something" was going on. I went along with my crazy day readying for the shower. I had put together a lovely gift package for her but hadn't managed to sew up the sling yet which I had bought material for, so I did that while stopping to squat with each contraction. They weren't really intensifying or anything but I was trying to go with the flow.

At the shower everyone was so thrilled! I tried not to draw attention to myself but it was inevitable as I was GIANT and my cousin and the rest of the family were awaiting Micah's arrival as excitedly as I was. Lots of belly rubs and pictures and naturally way too much food







Everyone was telling me "tonight's the night" and I agreed.

I didn't arrive home until 10:00 that evening. My dh was asleep and I was anxious to get to my doppler. You see, I had been stressed all day because I swore I hadn't felt the baby move and I was finally conceeding to that idea after convincing myself all day that it was just because I was busy or that he was relaxed and ready to be born. I had talked about it to dh on the way to the shower and he reassured me that I was right and everything was fine. Everything was not fine and I knew it in my heart of hearts that night while I drove home. I ran into my room and ripped open my birth kit where I had extra gel for the doppler... I had run out of the tube in the living room. I started to cry while desperately searching through the box, throwing things out onto the floor to find it. I didn't care how much noise I made or what kind of mess I left. I just needed to hear my baby. I found it and returned to the living room.

I placed the doppler on my belly only to find my own heartbeat... moved it around because this happens all the time. Such a stinker he was, always hiding from me. I always found him. Moved it again... nothing. Tears are pouring down my face because I know what is happening but I refuse to believe it. With ultrasound gel covering my bulging belly, I run to the room to get Micah ( my dh). Maybe he can find it? I wake him sobbing that I can't find the baby's heartbeat and he follows me to the living room so as not to wake the children. He had me lay down, telling me softly to be calm and assuring me that everything is ok. He proceeds to look for signs of his little boy. Nothing. I'm in total shock and tell him that we need to go to the hospital immediately. We called our very dear friend from the few towns over and she came right over to be with our kids while we went.

The ride was horrifying but I was in self defense modetrying to convince myself that all was well and it was just one of those circumstances where the heartbeat was hard to find. My husband held my hand the whole ride and said very little. He was so strong outwardly but I know now that he was scared to death. He knew that he would never be driving me to the hospital unless something were truely wrong in my mind. I am terrified of birth in the hospital and he knows that I have spent many years educating myself to become confident in my body's ability to give birth. However, the hospital is for sick/hurt people... and I WILL go there under these conditions. We were on our way.

Upon arrival we had to enter through ER. The nurse saw me and immediately smiled asking if I was in labor... I said "No, I think my baby is... I can't find his heart beat." Her smile went straight, she phoned maternity and wheeled me up to the dreaded 4th floor. My mind whirled around the possibilities. Was this really happening? I was convinced that it couldn't be so while at the same time I KNEW it was. My life was about to change forever, dramatically and I could not control it.

In triage, my nurse was wonderful and encouraging. Her name was Leighanne. The midwife from the practice I had been using approached me with concern asking what was wrong. I told her I hadn't felt the baby move all day and couldn't detect a heart beat. After changing I laid on the bed waiting for the Dr to arrive. Leighanne put me on the monitor and tried desperately to find my baby. Again, nothing. She didn't stop until the Dr on call came in with an ultrasound machine. He asked a few questions which were a little condesending such as, "and why did you doppler yourself?". Oh, I don't know because I have HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE AND I'M ON MEDICATION !!! I have very mild chronic hypertension but for some reason it likes to shoot up a bit at the end of pregnancy. To avoid the stress of my last unmedicated pregnancy I caved to the pressure of Lopressor.

I struggled in the end with the meds. I kept feeling like it wasn't right and that I shouldn't be on it but at that point it was too late to just stop. I had been on the whole time. I always felt like the baby was not as active as he should be but he moved enough to make me think again and then I believed I was being rediculous. I went back and forth like this for months. That's where the doppler came in to play Peace of mind. Didn't work though to be honest, I was still a train wreck of worry until the end.

The Dr. began to scan my enormous belly... I could feel my son moving inside me as the he searched for the places he needed to see on the screen. The sound of him moving the wand still lingers in my ears. I kept waiting for a different sound... you know the one. The tears started to flow. Micah held my hand. I glanced over at the Dr, Leighanne and the midwife who were staring at the screen blankly. He moved the wand to the lowest part of my pelvis where my little Micah's head was and said, "There's your baby's head." Suddenly I had a brief spark of hope! Was he about to tell me what I've been waiting to hear? My hope at that point was that something was wrong but that they were going to be able to give me a section and save him. Then it happened.

"Kristie, your baby is not alive."

I think my heart stopped. The thing I never thought would or could happen to me did. The oxegen left my lungs and I nearly passed out as I gripped my husbands neck in shock. I began to have a complete panic attack which there are no words to describe. The disbelief and shear terror that grabbed my soul is beyond this world. I was immediately wheeled to a private room.

Leighanne never left our side. She stroked my face and mothered me, trying to help me while never once putting ANY expectation of being calm on me. I freaked out and couldn't stop. My husband sobbed out of control as well. It was such a blur.

We decided to make a few calls to family and I asked him to contact 2 of my life long friends to come be with us. I knew what was coming next and I needed them there. I attended Melissa's birth as a doula and I had caught 2 of Jessica's 4 during her UC. We all had a bond and they were supposed to be with us again... it was planned, but not like this. Jessica caught my youngest dd while my dh held me- she simply had to be there.

It's difficult to leave any small detail out when trying to share a story like this. There really is so much I'm leaving out.

As we waited for them to arrive, the Dr. came in and discussed our options which were basically nothing except induction. I assumed pitocin would come into the picture but no, it was cytotec he was planning for. I was very uncomfortable with that and tried through my emotions to convey that I was aware of how dangerous that drug was. To make a long story short I was pretty much forced into it and with the state that I was in I just conceeded.I was given a mega dose internally and I watched the Dr. walk out the door while telling Leighanne to let him know what was happening by 3 am but he didn't think it would be that long. It was well after midnight at that point.

The girls arrived. I was extremely tired. I couldn't stop crying. I was losing my mind. I had asked for drugs to ease what I knew was coming but when it finally started there was nothing that was going to help me. I had been given a large dose of Ativan to calm me because quite frankly at one point I was out of control. I managed to rest slightly just before labor started and my support team had opted to rest as well. I began to feel slight contractions and prayed that when the baby came there would be a miracle and he would breath. This is what got me through. Leighanne came in again just in time for a major contraction to hit which sat me right up. I went into a sitting squat position on the bed instinctually to help the baby's head press against my cervix hoping to aid dialation. A very evil labor hit very suddenly at that point and I almost blacked out. The pain I was experiencing was not human. The contractions were fierce and non stop on top of incredible grief due to the realization that I was birthing a dead child. Every surge reminded me of what was really happening. I couldn't take it. My support team was there right beside me but I barely remember them. I don't remember my husband's face and I only have vague recollections of his voice which is normally filled with so much comfort. I know he was talking and supporting me through his pain but I can't remember. I truely felt so alone and overcome. Defeat was consuming me. I was 5 cm.

I was trembling with pain and about to vomit when I started screaming for help. I begged at the top of my lungs, "Please, help me!!! Please!!Someone!" My throat was raw and I could taste blood as I pleaded for an epidural. One had been offered but I was encouraged to "wait and see" by the Dr. The nurse came flying back to the room immediately. She had only left for a minute but in that time something changed dramatically. She came to my side and said she would get someone to help me. At that moment my body began to involuntarily push. It had only been a few minutes since I was checked and found to be at only 5 cm. I knew it was time and I couldn't stop it anyway. My husband was holding me, my friends beside him stroking me with arms around him as well and my nurse sobbing on the other side as I let out a primal scream from the depths of my being. My precious baby boy was leaving my body. Leighanne knew that I had only been 5 cm just moments before but didn't try to stop me.

I will never never forget the way he felt. I can recall it at will. As I write, my body aches with the memory of the last time it held him safely inside. I only pushed just a few times and his tiny little body made it's way out of me and into my arms. I waited for his cry. His body was so warm. He was absolutely georgous. I took inventory of him quickly and was struck with my new reality.No miracle, he would not be raised from the dead. This was my son, Micah Ray Milligan the 3rd born still on October 19th 2008 at 5:48am. He was 7lbs 10oz and 19 1/2 inches of pure beauty. I wanted so desperately to breathe into his mouth, put him to my breast and then run away as fast as I could from this lie.

So much of what happened is lost in the recesses of my mind. But what I do recall is intense and burned into my spirit. For the next 15 hours we held him. We had over 60 visitors. Friends and family poured in to support us and hold our little baby boy. Everyone just wanted the chance to see him and touch him just once. We had all waited so long. The hospital provided food and beverages for the entire day and night and not an eye was batted at the enormous numbers that were in our room at once. Every walk of life was there in unity. Pagans, Christians,Buddists,Unitarians gay and straight, my rabbi with his wife, teachers and parents from our childrens school, friends from MDC and the list goes on. We needed them all. We couldn't have done it without every person there. Including wonderful Leighanne. She stayed 2 shifts in a row for us. She had a little one at home and despite that she stayed. I later found out that she was 7 months pregnant. Apparently she warned several people to not breathe a word of it or draw any attention to it in front of us. I never noticed but now that I've seen pictures... she was VERY obviously expecting. Neither dh or I noticed but above that I can't believe she was that willing to give of herself that way in her state. My friend Jessica told me that Leighanne frequently excused herself briefly to cry in the hall privately.

I wanted so badly to hold him with no clothes against my bare chest. I wasn't able to do that. He had passed either in the night or just that morning before the shower so he looked good but was starting to show signs of deterioration. I won't go into any other detail for now but I will say that I wish that I could have done that. However, I smelled him and carressed EVERY part of him over and over. I licked him and put his fingers in my mouth. I needed to experience every part of him. My other babies had always put their little hands in my mouth as infants so I wanted to have the same with him. It was my only chance.

Around 8 or 9 that evening I knew it was time to let him go. He started looking worse and began to bleed more frequently from his nose. Just as Jessica had caught Na'omi we asked her to deliver him to his next destination. The few people who were there left Micah and I to be with Baby Micah for our last goodbye. We held eachother and sobbed uncontrollably. My eyes were swelled almost completely shut from crying for almost 24 hours straight but they just kept coming. We kissed his lips, head, cheeks, face and fingers and told him how much we loved him. One more time I cried out the same thing I had so many many times that day, "I just want to take him home!!!." I was overcome with love and grief for this little life I could not have. He was mine but I had to give him back.

Jessica returned at our request and it was time. I gently handed him to her, hesitated briefly but let go. With tears streaming down her face she smiled lovingly at me and said, "I'm so sorry Kristie. I love you. " and she delivered yet another one of my children. This time it was not into my arms but into the arms of careing Leighanne who brought him to his temporary place of rest until we made arrangments.

I can't write anymore. It's taken me a long time to do this and I'm glad I did but I'm done. There are lots of things I may need to bring up later as I remember them but this is what I can do for now. Thank you all somuch for being here to listen. I am suffering tremendously but I'm comforted in knowing that I am not alone in my grief.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

thanks for sharing Micah's story


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

Oh momma!









Your story was as beautiful as your precious son was. I am so glad that you were able to share it with me, and the rest of MDC. I really feel honored to have seen your baby through your eyes. You did an amazing job telling your story, and an even more amazing job living it. I hope you find the strenght needed... I wish there was something I could say that would help. I send you Love, Support and Strength.

Blessings to you, your DH, and the rest of your family.








Micha Ray Milligan III


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Thank you for trusting us with something so precious. I can feel all your emotions through your words.








You aren't alone here!


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## guest9921 (Nov 3, 2005)




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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

Oh Mama my heart aches for you


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## lilabet (Aug 6, 2003)

I am so so sorry to read of your loss, it made me cry.May he rest with the angels. xxxxx


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be thinking of you and your family.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Thank you for sharing your story. It's so heartbreaking. It reminds me so much of my experience and feeling of despair and emptiness. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Micah. We're here for you, momma. (((hugs))) My thoughts are with you.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Thank you for sharing Micah with us. Your story is heartwarming and terrible and powerful all at the same time.

I continue to be awestruck by the beauty and the dignity and the capacity for love shown by the women I encounter on this most horrible of journeys.








beloved Micah.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Thank you so much for sharing. That was beautifully written and I expect it helped t get it out. For me, getting the story out and actually re-writing it many times has helped me come to terms with what happened in so far as I now no longer blame myself and can feel an awful lot more peaceful with it. You're in the company of friends here - stick with us and we will all get through this together. Huge love to you, and your lovely family - *HUGE hugs* as well XXXXXXXXX


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

The early parts of your story are so similar to mine.. hoping for some miracle, that he would come out and cry, and we'd all laugh - the doctors were wrong! That ultrasound machine WAS broken after all!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful Micah with us. I really think the sharing we do here heals us all.


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## 5796 (Oct 19, 2002)

i just read your post. You have written so beautifully of a very tragic story. I am moved to tears.

I wish I could say more but I can't.
I wish I could help.

thank you for sharing it with us at MDC, i hope we are like another family. you know if we all lived in your town we would have crowded in the hospital with you.

hugs


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## E's Mama (Mar 16, 2008)

You are truly an incredible mother. May Micah take his place among the angels and help you and your family to heal.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Thank you for sharing your story with us. My heart aches for you.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sorry


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## juneau (May 20, 2005)




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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

Thank you for sharing your story.. I bet he was beautiful! My heart aches for you and for your loss of little Micah..


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## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)

I'm so sorry...


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

Thank you for sharing your story. You are such a strong woman.

I am very, very sorry for your loss.


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## p.s (May 27, 2005)

i am so so sorry..... no words to express.
thank you for sharing your story of beautiful Micah.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Thank you so much for sharing your son with us. Your story was beautiful, as is your son. Please be gentle with yourself..
I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss







Micah

Thank you for sharing Micah with us

I wish you Peace and Strength, D.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)




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## lemurmommies (Jan 15, 2007)

Thank you for sharing Micah's story with us all.








to you and lots of love and light to Micah.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Sweet baby Micah

I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm crying with you.


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## itsajenism (May 21, 2005)

Thank you for sharing Micah with us.
My heart aches for all of you. I'm so sorry.


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## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

Sweet Micah.

Kristie, I'm so sorry.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

You are all so wonderful. As I scroll through all the responses it absolutely pains me as I look at all of the sig lines that honor so many lost little precious lives. So many survivors of life's most intense pain... I just can't believe there are so many of us.

To all who have read my story wheather you posted or not, thank you. Thank you for joining my journey. I know that most of us on MDC are mothers or want to be mothers someday, so reading something this intense and long for that matter could have been potentially difficult. So I thank you again. I can remember reading many websites within the last 10 years of other families who had been touched by infant/birth loss and at times it was just too much to even read. Just empathizing with this kind of situation was agonizing... and of course I NEVER thought it would be me. But it is and here I am. Here WE are. Breathe...


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## michanders4 (Jul 24, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss







.


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

I am so sorry.


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## lemonsforjamie (Nov 6, 2007)

I am so so sorry.


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## Marcee (Jan 23, 2007)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

Thank you for letting us share in the beautiful little life that was Micah. None of us wants to be here, but I feel blessed to have women like you in my "life". Much love to you.


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## NoelleInLove (Dec 15, 2008)

I am so sorry. My heart just breaks for you and your family.


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for your loss. Thank you for sharing Micah's story.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

You are right Kristie, this is not a club that any of us think we'll ever belong to, this type of thing only happens to other people. Unfortunately that is simply not true at all. There is nothing you can do to stop it and you are out of controll. This can be a great support group, the best I have found.
While the rest of the world will want and expect you to heal and move on, everyone here knows that your pain is how you are surviving as it is just so primal and now you have to face everyday without your sweet baby Micah. I am so deeply sorry for you and your family, it's just wrong that anyone should have to go through this. My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

s I am so so sorry for your loss... Thank you for taking the time to share your story with all of us.


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## Fiestabeth (Aug 4, 2006)

I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I cried as I read it.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

sobbing along with you. for our gorgeous Micahs lost. our stories are so similar. Pain I don't wish on anyone and I'm SO sorry you are (and everyone here) are feeling it.

I'm glad you got the support of so many people and held him for so long. and tasted him. so precious.

with very much love and way too much empathy,
Rebecca, sharing your tears


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

It's incredible how for so many of us it seemed like we knew. In one way or another in hindsight it seemed as though I did. I always felt like I would never get to have him... I even said it to dh several times. Not in the context of stillbirth but I just had this deep feeling all the time that he was never going to come. I always related it to just wanting him to be born so badly but I honestly could never shake the strange vibes I had when I talked like that. I do tend toward being very intuitive/prophetic so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I wish I listened to my inner voice, but no matter how "psychic" a person may be I don't think it would be easy to see something like this for one's self. No one WANTS to see this. I'm still struggling with many aspects of blameing myself... I have a long way to go. Today just started so we'll see what it brings. That's all we can do, right?


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

We try to insulate ourselves. I kind of 'knew' too. two days no movement....but found excuses for everything. I didn't get the sweet baby vibe this time either, and another weird, no birth dreams. I totally went into labor expecting a bouncing baby.....


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## marybethorama (Jun 9, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
I didn't get the sweet baby vibe this time either, and another weird, no birth dreams.

ME TOO!! No birth dreams... no dreams about the baby at ALL! I have always had them in some form with my others. My DH would also say while I was pregnant that my pregnancy felt different and but he couldn't explain it. A few times I was really hurt by that, taking offense to it which he wasn't intending. At one point he actually became extremely depressed about it because it was bothering him...like he wasn't connecting like he should or something. It was to the point that he went on anti-depressants to help him out of the funk he couldn't shake. How wierd is THAT?


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I didn't have birth dreams either. I also had a feeling I'd never have Josie here at home. I also put it down to her being my first baby, and wanting her here so badly. My greatest fear during pregnancy was a placental abruption because it had happened to my mother. Then, it happened to me...

Very odd ey? Very odd indeed...

XXX


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

mama, your story is the saddest and most beautiful thing I have ever read. I just wish it was just a story and not your reality. Thank you for sharing.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milkymommi* 
It's incredible how for so many of us it seemed like we knew. In one way or another in hindsight it seemed as though I did. I always felt like I would never get to have him... I even said it to dh several times. Not in the context of stillbirth but I just had this deep feeling all the time that he was never going to come. I always related it to just wanting him to be born so badly but I honestly could never shake the strange vibes I had when I talked like that. I do tend toward being very intuitive/prophetic so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I wish I listened to my inner voice, but no matter how "psychic" a person may be I don't think it would be easy to see something like this for one's self. No one WANTS to see this. I'm still struggling with many aspects of blameing myself... I have a long way to go. Today just started so we'll see what it brings. That's all we can do, right?

I "knew" at some level too - I barely nested, just grabbed the bare essentials from the loft and popped them in a drawer, never had any sense of "when this baby comes" and also posted on a vbac forum I frequented when I was 28 weeks pg saying how I was haunted by the idea of stillbirth, waking up at 3am crying about it ... and yet and yet ...never believed at any conscious level it that it was somehow prophetic. I thought it was residual concern from my previous pg ending in a m/c or me dealing with everyone else's concerns about my planned hba2c. I thought I'd look back and laugh at my overactive imagination when I held my sweet little babe in my arms









Next pg (if I should be blessed) I'm going to have a terribly hard job separating out intuition from sheer blind panic I think.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *honeydee* 
mama, your story is the saddest and most beautiful thing I have ever read. I just wish it was just a story and not your reality. Thank you for sharing.










These words exactly. My heart is breaking for you & your family. I'm so, so very sorry for your loss
















Micah


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## RMM1117 (Dec 6, 2007)

I couldnt read and not respond. I am so so sorry. You are such an amazing and strong woman.
So sorry for your loss mama


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss, mama.


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Oh god. I am crying for you. I am so deeply sorry.







I am just speechless. I wish I could give you a hug right now!


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Milkymommi* 
It's incredible how for so many of us it seemed like we knew. In one way or another in hindsight it seemed as though I did. I always felt like I would never get to have him... I even said it to dh several times. Not in the context of stillbirth but I just had this deep feeling all the time that he was never going to come. I always related it to just wanting him to be born so badly but I honestly could never shake the strange vibes I had when I talked like that. I do tend toward being very intuitive/prophetic so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I wish I listened to my inner voice, but no matter how "psychic" a person may be I don't think it would be easy to see something like this for one's self. No one WANTS to see this. I'm still struggling with many aspects of blameing myself... I have a long way to go. Today just started so we'll see what it brings. That's all we can do, right?

I had this with my Alexa too. I knew I would not get to keep her. Sigh.
Peace to you on your journey Kristie. I am so sorry about your sweet son. Much Love to you & your family.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
I "knew" at some level too - I barely nested, just grabbed the bare essentials from the loft and popped them in a drawer, never had any sense of "when this baby comes" and also posted on a vbac forum I frequented when I was 28 weeks pg saying how I was haunted by the idea of stillbirth, waking up at 3am crying about it ... and yet and yet ...never believed at any conscious level it that it was somehow prophetic. I thought it was residual concern from my previous pg ending in a m/c or me dealing with everyone else's concerns about my planned hba2c. I thought I'd look back and laugh at my overactive imagination when I held my sweet little babe in my arms









*Next pg (if I should be blessed) I'm going to have a terribly hard job separating out intuition from sheer blind panic I think*.

Yes it is a HARD balance. My advice, it to have a strong support system of Mama's that have BTDT. Peace to you on your journey.


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## mwright (Nov 30, 2006)

I'm soo sorry mama. No-one should have to go through this.


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## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

I don't know what is so comforting about knowing that so many people are reading my story... maybe it's simply the fact that it makes him even more real. He's so real to me and now the reality of his existance is being shared. So many kind words and I know they're all genuine- thank you.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 
I "knew" at some level too - I barely nested, just grabbed the bare essentials from the loft and popped them in a drawer, never had any sense of "when this baby comes" and also posted on a vbac forum I frequented when I was 28 weeks pg saying how I was haunted by the idea of stillbirth, waking up at 3am crying about it ... and yet and yet ...never believed at any conscious level it that it was somehow prophetic. I thought it was residual concern from my previous pg ending in a m/c or me dealing with everyone else's concerns about my planned hba2c. I thought I'd look back and laugh at my overactive imagination when I held my sweet little babe in my arms









Next pg (if I should be blessed) I'm going to have a terribly hard job separating out intuition from sheer blind panic I think.

Yes yes and yes!! I barely nested... I only unpacked all of the things I recieved at my shower the week before he was due. I was constantly haunted as well about stillbirth







I actually happened upon Cuddelbaby's birth story and was really thrown at the end when her precious babe was born still... and his name is Micah. That was just one of many things I pointed out to my dh through my pregnancy but like you said, I never believed it on a conscious level. Micah (dh) had similar thoughts and feelings but we always chalked it up to just being paranoid and wanting to make sure we did everything right etc. I wonder too how I will handle another pregnancy... I think about it daily. I want that so badly but I have to wait.


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## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

His story is beautiful, mama. Even though his life was short, he was so loved. I hope that you and your family finds peace.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Slowly but surely...


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## PiesandAbrosmama (Jan 31, 2003)

I read and wanted to say what an amazing women you are and allthe others that are in such grief and loss. I am so sad for all of you. May you all find peace and love.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Thank you mama...


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## Night_Nurse (Nov 23, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## MGBoutique (Jun 29, 2005)

I just read your beautifully written story about your son and tears are streaming down my face. I so totally understand wanting his fingers in your mouth and the other things you describe. Your little boy has touched my life and my heart today, and I will carry that memory with me. I'm so sorry he was lost to you in this life. I pray he's with you in another someday. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Lots of love. Lots and lots.


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## ap mom (Dec 23, 2006)

Thank you for sharing Micah with us. My heart aches for you. I can't even imagine the sadness; tears streamed down my face when I read about your time holding and taking your sweet boy in, how precious and heartbreaking that must have been.







mama.







Micah.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

I can't stop crying as I read your family's story and have no words to say how sorry I am for you.

Your story as you told it is so full of sadness but what really comes through to me strongly is the love- how much you are loved by your friends and family and how much you all loved your sweet baby boy. I've never heard someone tell their story so unflinchingly and so beautifully.








for sweet baby Micah.


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## mkmb129 (Apr 7, 2007)

Kristie, I am so very sorry for your loss. I saw the picture Christine posted on the crunchy crew, and he was just beautiful.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Just thinking of you today and wondering how you are doing? Praying you find peace.


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

much love. i am so sorry for your loss. my heart aches with yours.


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## christamom (Jan 17, 2008)

Thank you for sharing Micah with us. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## TexasBell (Nov 17, 2008)

The tears are dripping down my cheeks as I read your story. I am so sorry for your loss! This has got to be one of the most touching, sad and heartbreaking things I have ever read.

May he rest in peace, and may you find peace and healing as well.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

: oh mama as my dd sweetly rests her head on my shoulder she watches her mama cry over a little boy named micah.


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## prettypixels (Apr 13, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry! My heart is breaking for you.


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## Lemon Juice (Jun 6, 2005)

Mama







I am heartbroken for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.

You now live so close to me and I hope that one day we can meet. If you need anything, I am here. Sending much love and light and peace to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story, your words about sweet Micah.


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