# Mommy, are you mad at me?



## 3happygirls (Feb 4, 2006)

I have obviously messed up so much in the past. I'm trying to find a new way of dealing, speaking with, reacting with my children. We're trying this Gentle Discpline approach and I have SO MUCH to learn. I'm a total HOT HEAD (am working on this, too), and am really trying to create a new rhythm in our home, new way of doing things. A lot of why I do things, I KNOW, is just a lack of knowledge.

SO....when my DD does something that is an obvious bad choice (obvious to me, and I think she knows better)...like making a total, intentional mess with something she knows not to play with. I am trying to respond better, but I hear myself saying things that I know I can find a better response for. But now (this morning), when something got spilled because of her goofing around I just went and got a towel to wipe it up quickly. She (they, both girls) ALWAYS ask now, "Mommy, are you mad at me?" Well, in the past I've responded probably a little too honestly. "Like, yes, I'm upset that you were.....fill in the blank". I'm not talking about legitimate accidents here. I'm talking about things they do to intentionally disrupt, destroy, etc. What is the proper response? I believe in teaching them about good choices and wrong choices, so how do I treat these situations with honesty and yet gentleness at the same time? I don't want them always looking for me to be "mad at them", but I want to communicate that I wished they'd made a different decision.

I'm babbling, but I don't know where to start or articulate where I'm coming from. There are a lot of situations I need to learn how to handle differently, say things differently. But I'm a "tell it like it is" person. I don't want to sugar-coat things, because they won't get that in life either, but I DO want to be gentle and loving in my approach.


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## ~member~ (May 23, 2002)

"No, honey, I am not mad at you, but I am upset at your behavior. How would you feel if I did ....fill in the blank?"

Not only does that let them know it is not THEM you are upset at, but the behavior that is upsetting.
If a child thinks it is them, then they will work on changing themselves, not the behavior, kwim?








HTH.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

I just do a "No, I am not mad at you but I wish that you didn't....."

This to me is true, but does not convey that they are responsible for my feelings or that I am mad.


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## mbravebird (May 9, 2005)

I like the above responses, and might add also that you could reflect back to them the process and the emotions if you want to. As in, "I can appreciate that you really like exploring these paints. I also feel frustrated if I have to do too much clean up around here." Something like that acknowledges the validity and goodness of who they are and allows them to see that it's the process that is frustrating to you, not who they are.

If they feel like you "get" where they're coming from, they'll feel more relaxed around you, even when you are dealing with a difficult emotion.

Good luck with this -- sounds like such an admirable journey. How have you managed to arrive at this "new" way of doing things?


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## mbravebird (May 9, 2005)

P.S. Just noticed that you seem concerned about the fact that their motivation is a bit disruptive rather than innocent -- I would say that you can reflect that to them too, as long as you're not using it to harp on them. As in, "it seems like you really want my attention right now", or whatever you think the motivation behind the "disruptive" behavior is. If you can get your head in a place where you are viewing those behaviors as communication to you, not personal attacks against you, it will help you respond less reactively. Often that disruptive behavior is their own way of signalling their frustration, and if you focus on their emotion instead of the behavior, things get easier.

Also keep in mind that this is hard stuff and you don't have to be perfect -- nobody is. And your kids don't have to see you being perfect. You can even be transparent with them about the new things you're trying and the regrets you have when you don't do it the way you want to. That'll help them adjust to the new ways, too. Best of luck to you.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

"No honey, I'm not mad at you. But there's this mess I need to clean up and I'm not happy about that, and I'm feeling kind of frustrated and irritated right now." at which point my DD will often offer me a hug or a pat on the back.


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## 3happygirls (Feb 4, 2006)

These are all helpful responses. It's crazy how I say some things and can hear myself saying them and I'm thinking "that's not how to say it", but up until now have not been able to change things into a healthy, positive spin. I have been practicing these things in my head. When the moments hit, I hope I am able to recall them, and then have them be just the way I think.

What sparked this change? I guess just realizing that the way I was doing things wasn't working. I honestly used to think poorly of this type of discipline...thinking, "GD, yeah right...that kid runs the show". I misinterpreted "GENTLE" for no discipline at all. I was (and am still struggling with) being totalitarian in my mothering. I feel tense and angry most of the time and let the little things get me all fired up! I want to teach my children better ways to respond, to understand that I love them in word and in deed, and to teach them to be God-centered, not self-centered people. I was DEFINTELY being self-centered. That is a continual struggle, isn't it?

Anyway...many more thoughts, but I could self-analyze all day!







Thanks for the thoughts. Any more...keep them coming. I'm finding that for every reaction/response I have, almost, there has to be a better one out there!


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## mollyeilis (Mar 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *3happygirls*
I feel tense and angry most of the time and let the little things get me all fired up!

If you feel tense and angry most of the time, you could address that, and then more gentle ways of talking might come naturally! I have a temper too, and in the past I've had anger management counseling. I find that calling upon what I learned about myself in that counseling to be VERY helpful, in those AUGH moments with DS.

And beyond that, the things that turn me to mush from my semi-normal state of tension are...gentle chiropractic, massage, craniosacral therapy, and most recently, acupuncture! Mmmm, love the acupuncture...my neck muscles get all squishy after a session, and all is right in the world.

So I really suggest finding some ways to decrease your internal tension. Once you start on that, once you get some tools to calm yourself, the gentle ways of talking will come more naturally.


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

When I feel tense and angry, I ask myself one thing BEFORE I react (re: spills, etc)

"Is this really going to matter in 1 hour? In one day?" And, if it isn't - I do what needs to be done (clean the spill) and go about my day without EVER reflecting back on it.

My ds is almost 3, and for now, many of his spills (watercolors, drinks, etc) are always an accident. Could be because he got excited and forgot the cup was there or it could be because is just wanted to know what would happen if you poured water onto scrap paper









I try to encourage creativity and I never want ds to feel like he can't be a kid in our home, so we really don't have many restrictions on what/where he can go or do. I've found having fewer restrictions helps overall. For instance, in our home - ds knows that the glass hurricanes on the sofa table are off limits, as are the cabinets under the entertainment center, and sharp objects (scissors, knives, etc). All else is okay for him to tinker with.


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## Ayala Eilon (Apr 8, 2006)

I hear that you really want to learn to connect with your DD effectively, kindly, and without giving her bad feelings about herself. It is possibly. The book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves teaches exactly that. It also teaches you about your reactions, where they come from (in spite of your love) and how to be the kind mother you want to be. When you do that, her behavior will also be much better.

After four children, and after not always doing the best job myself, I can tell you that saying, "I am not angry with you, only upset about having to clean..." still lays guilt and errects mountains of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Children easily identify with their behavior.
I would rather work on myself, and learn to clean the mess without being upset. It takes the same amount of time and it teaches my children not to get upset over the inevitable. Read that book, you will love it.


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## Suzetta (Dec 21, 2003)

I think that it is great that your child is ready to start discussing feelings and is interested in yours. I believe that you should be totally honest with her when she asks...this way, she will learn to trust her instincts on how you and othe people are behaving. I also try to increase her emotion vocabulary by using a mixture of words. There is nothing wrong with 'being mad'. By expressing your emotions to her in a positive way, you are teaching her that it is okay to feel certain ways, and that it won't affect our love for eachother.

Often times, when my dd asks me "Mama, are you mad?" I will tell her that I was indeed very angry, but now that some time has passed, mommy feels much better. I always try to follow up these discussions with some lap time, so as to open up the doors for further discusison.


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