# Losing my mind, need to release.



## Forevermama (Aug 12, 2002)

I lost my sweet Noah a little over 9 weeks ago. The pain is more than I can handle. Everywhere I look, I see pregnant moms, or newborns. Friends finding out they are pregnant, what the sex of the baby is, or are about to deliver. I try to be happy for them, I really do, but inside I'm slowly dying. I'm not the same person I use to be. I'm miserible. I feel so alone, it's insane.

I'm surrounded by friends and family, but have noone to talk to. Nobody that understands why I'm still grieving so. It was just a miscarriage to them, but to me, it was the loss of my child. I held my baby boy in my hands, though no bigger than my palm, he was a perfect little baby, and he is gone. There was no birth announcement, no photos taken, not even far enough along to be classified a still birth, so I guess I can see why they aren't seeing it the way I do, I suppose...

I want another baby. I want to be pregnant again. I want this more now than ever before. I feel it is the only thing that will bring my soul back. Not to replace Noah, not to forget him, or what happened, but to move on. I need to move on. All the constant reminders around me and driving me insane. I don't think I can handle waiting as long as DH wants to. I can't, it will kill whatever spirit I have left in me. In my mind I know the reasons for waiting, but my heart doesn't want to.

I'm really needing to find peace. Not only for myself, but for my 2 precious boys that I have in arms. They need their happy mama back. I'm trying to do things to keep my mind preoccupied, but it doesn't help for long. I'll be ok for a few days, then something happens to send me spiraling back down.

I can't find any local support groups. Surprisingly, my OB's office had no resources to offer. I ordered a few book to read, they should be here in a few days. Please, if you have any other suggestions, I'm listening.

Thanks for reading this, and I'm sorry to have to meet you all under these circumstances. I'm sure none of us ever imagined we'd need such a group...


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Its rough. It was for me. And for some it is rougher than it is for others. Grieving is personal, and no two people will do it the same. And just because you baby fit into the palm of your hand in now way diminshes the impact he had on you.

It will eventually get a bit better fter the initial rawness wears off. I have 3 kids, and still, after all these years (16 for my first miscarriage and 7 for my second) still think about the pregnancies, although not very often, usually around the due dates.

Give yourself some time, and a break. there is no right or wrong way to go through this.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

So sorry mama!

It is so hard! I know. I hated (hate) having to see other happy mamas to be (and now i am one). I've found myself secretly wishing that something bad would happen to them so that they could understand my pain but at the same time praying that this pain never touches anyone again. It's definetely so much up and down. I'll feel so much better and then spiral back to that dark, sad, sad place. The first months were the hardest and i'm glad that i can tell you that time does heal.

Quote:

I can't find any local support groups. Surprisingly, my OB's office had no resources to offer. I ordered a few book to read, they should be here in a few days. Please, if you have any other suggestions, I'm listening
I never attended a support group IRL but this board has been a lifesaver. Come here as often as you like. There are so many supportive and understanding mamas full of wisdom gained through experience.
I also found a few books to be really helpful - "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" and "Ended Beginnings" sorry i don't remember the authors off hand.

Take care of yourself mama!


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I'm so, so sorry. I've had both early and late losses (miscarriage at 10 weeks, tubal at 5 weeks, stillbirth at 38 weeks). Don't ever discount your loss. My miscarriage nearly undid me. It's been seven years, but I still remember how hard it was. I know that there's very little I can say to help. Please know that other moms have been where you are and we've survived. Not only survived, but are happy and alive again. Sometimes, that's all that could get me through, knowing that somehow others had gotten through, and that must mean that I could, too. I also did lots of energy work (Reiki, EFT, RET) to help release the overwhelming emotions. Ananda yoga has been very calming for me, as well.

I second the recommendation of "Ended Beginnings: Healing Chidbearing Losses" by Claudia Panuthos and Catherine Romeo. I ordered mine from Amazon. It was the best book I read.

I know it's even more difficult when you're not getting the support you need in real life. One book called, "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by James and Friedman has a thorough discussion of the extent to which loss is minimized in our society. It was very validating to read it, and they have some good articles on their web site, too. One of the articles discussed how bereaved people start to wonder if they're crazy, becaue they're suffering so acutely, and yet those around them are acting as if nothing has happened. I definitely experienced that.

Hopefully the books you ordered will help you know you're not alone. I wish I could make this better for you, I know it hurts so very much.

Much love,
Katherine


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm so very sorry









There is a sticky on the top of this forum with a few more resources as well.

You are never alone here, please fee free to speak of your precious Noah all you want here.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i have nothing more to add just wanted to send







to you and Noah

tara


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## Forevermama (Aug 12, 2002)

Thank you very much for the encouraging words. I'm so sorry to all of you as well







Nobody should ever have to experience this kind of pain.

Berkleyp~ Thanks







Congrats on the belly bundle. I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy followed by a beautiful and safe arrival.

Katherine~







Thank you so much for the sweet words and all of the suggestions. I definitely have moments where I feel like I'm going crazy....it's good to know that this too shall pass.

I'm having a little bit of a better morning. The sun is shining and the rain has stopped. Maybe today the boys and I can go out and play


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

How are you feeling? My thoughts are with you.


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## MonTana Mama (Jan 13, 2005)

Sending you LOVE







and HOPE







! Don't ignore or try to mask your pain. Share your feelings with your family (especially DH and DSs) We are all here for you too!


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## Forevermama (Aug 12, 2002)

Thanks, you guys







I'm feeling loads better. Michael and I had the talk I was so dreading! It went great. Very emotionally draining, but so glad we had it.

Here, I'll just C&P from my Journal~ "We are going try for another baby. My heart is dancing inside me right now. For the 1st time in over 2 months, my heart feels at peace. I think part of my depression since losing Noah, was the uncertatinty of when we would try again. Now I know. I can look forward to once again growing life inside of me, feeling a little one within me, and once again nursing, slinging, and snuggling a newborn in my arms. What a perfect way to heal my soul and honor Noah...by making him a big brother. Completing our family by giving my precious boys a new sibling. Growing our family tree just a little bigger. I'm in the clouds







"

It was amazing how much that healed me. I don't care how long it takes, I wont be obsessive about it. When it happens, it happens. But at least now I know that it WILL happen. We WILL have another baby. Wow, that feels good saying that! I feel I'm at a place now that I can start to move forward. Not to replace my sweet baby, I could never do that, just move forward. Amazig what a few days and 1 long heartfelt talk can do for your soul.

Sorry to ramble







Thanks so much for listening and being there


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Thanks for letting us know--I'm so glad to hear you're doing well!


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

I'm so sorry for you loss. It is so hard to lose a babe. Congrats on your decision to TTC - good luck!


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Aren't those first glimmers of happiness amazing after feeling so hopeless? I'm so glad that it sounds like you're in a great place. I'll be sending baby dust your way and hoping you'll join me in pregnancy soon. Have you checked out the Pregnancy after Loss subforum?

Quote:

I can look forward to once again growing life inside of me, feeling a little one within me, and once again nursing, slinging, and snuggling a newborn in my arms. What a perfect way to heal my soul and honor Noah...by making him a big brother.
I think this is a beautiful sentiment. Just remember that being pregnant doesn't heal your pain and loss by itself. Grieving Noah will be an ongoing process for you. I think part of me thought that if I could just get pg again that my pain would somehow go away but it hasn't. I'm still ecstatic to be expecting again but it can be very hard too. Wishing you the best mama!


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## Forevermama (Aug 12, 2002)

Quote:

Aren't those first glimmers of happiness amazing after feeling so hopeless?
Yes, they sure are. I feel calm now, haven't felt that in months, though I still (and probably always will) have my moments. It's been a rollercoaster.

Quote:

Just remember that being pregnant doesn't heal your pain and loss by itself. Grieving Noah will be an ongoing process for you. I think part of me thought that if I could just get pg again that my pain would somehow go away but it hasn't. I'm still ecstatic to be expecting again but it can be very hard too.








I hear what you mean about pregnancy not taking everything away. I know deep down that this is true, I guess a part of me still wishes it would make it a little easier. Only time will tell, I suppose







I hope YOU are doing well, despite the fears I know that you are dealing with







Thanks for everything, Mama. I hope to join you soon over on the PAL forum.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

I think being pregnant again can make it a little easier if you're ready for it. I find a lot of comfort in the fact that i'll hopefully have a baby in my arms soon. We didn't only lose the individual children that died, but also the chance to raise a baby. We can never replace the children that died but we can still have new babies to raise. KWIM? I feel like i'm not being clear. For me at least, part of what i lost is replacable in a way. I'm going to have my first baby and get to do all the things that moms do just like i planned (just not with Julianna). Its greiving the individual that died that is not made easier by being pg again.


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## Forevermama (Aug 12, 2002)

I know what you are saying, Mama







Thanks for taking the time to chat with me. How are you feeling these days?


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