# Kids and asking for food at others' houses



## Chinese Pistache (May 29, 2006)

(Mods, I didn't post this in children, because I'm curious about how moms of children of all different ages would answer, and I'm interested in a discussion about culture/manners/customs, if relevant.)

Do you have rules for your children regarding them asking for food when they are visiting/playing at someone else's house?

How do you feel about other children asking you for food while visiting/playing at your house?


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## jeca (Sep 21, 2002)

It irks me when my kids ask other people for food. We have plenty here and I feel that it's more them having "eyes bigger than their stomach". They don't go to other people's homes often so it's not a big issue but they know I don't like for them to do that.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Hmm, I never thought of it really. I never have a problem with a child asking for a snack at my house, but I also always check with the parent to make sure that they can have what they are asking for. I usually send my kids with a snack where ever they go because they have food sensitivities, and I wouldn't expect someone to furnish them with gluten, dairy, egg free snacks.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chinese Pistache* 
Do you have rules for your children regarding them asking for food when they are visiting/playing at someone else's house?

Not yet, because she's not at an age where it would be necessary. She's only 19 months old and we pretty much feed her when ever she's hungry. When she's older I don't intend to send her to other people's houses unfed or hungry, and I do plan to talk to her about it. I think if she's that hungry she should come home, or call me and I'll make arrangements to drop a snack off (if I didn't send one with her), or talk with the parents about organizing a snack that I'd be happy to reimburse.

My thinking is that unless it is a lunch/dinner "play date" (do you call it a play date when they're older?







) I don't want her to be an imposition, and really, it's my job to feed my child before I send her to another home, not theirs. I grew up in a low income house and my mom simply didn't have the money to feed the neighborhood, and I don't want to put another family in the position to dole out food that they can't spare.

Quote:

How do you feel about other children asking you for food while visiting/playing at your house?
I wouldn't mind at all. If I have it to give, I'll offer it. I'll probably plan to keep inexpensive snacks on hand, but I'm not going out of my way to accommodate picky kids. They'll eat what I offer or it's time to go home.


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## babygrant (Mar 10, 2005)

i hate when ANYONE asks for food at my house because we struggle just to feed our own four people in this house. Whenever I go to someones house, I always bring snacks for my kids so that if they get hungry, I can feed them.


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## Phantaja (Oct 10, 2006)

It annoys me to no end if my boys ask for food at anyones house but my mother or MIL. It's almost as if they are saying "They don't feed us. We'll eat here." But if other kids ask for food at my house my first instinct is to just feed them. Kids get hungry.

It's weird how my standards for the children in my house are so much higher than they are for other children.


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## Pyrodjm (Jan 9, 2007)

I was never allowed to ask for food or accept it when offered at other's houses without my moms consent. We were taught that it was rude to beg food from others and that it might give the impression that we weren't well-fed. Also, we at times found ourselves at homes that were not the cleanest and my mother never allowed us to eat anything from them at all. At Grandma's however, we did not need permission and could ask for whatever.

We knew to follow her cues, If we were offered, she would often say something like "They just ate" or "I don't want to spoil they're appetites". If she knew the person and it was alright, before going in she would sometimes say "If she offers you something you can take it, but remember your manners.." Otherwise, we had to say "no," thank you. We NEVER ASKED for anything in anyone else's home.

I cringe when I hear kids asking people other than they're parents for food. My children will grow up with rules similar to the ones I grew up with.


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## GnomeyNewt (Jun 2, 2004)

I don't really mind if children at our home ask for food or if my DD (my DS is too young yet) asks for food either at other peoples homes. I try to offer food first so it is just there incase somebody does get hungry. I try to feed my children before we go out and do take snacks around with us aswell in case. But honestly, other people eat some different food than us and they may have something she wants to try and also for other kids at our house we might have something new. They may just be interested tasting something new and want to give it a try.

I think if they come over all the time and eat a lot of food I would have a concern, but only that they weren't getting feed enough. Possibly they like my cooking? (Just a hope!) We are not rich or have a lot of money at all, DH is only working right now so we are on a tight budget but I won't let anybody go hungry in my home. Kids get hungry!

I think what I do want to enforce though is asking first of course, not to go foraging in their kitchen. Also that some people might say no and we can get out our own snacks or go get some food.


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## ecoteat (Mar 3, 2006)

DD's too young for it to come up yet, but I grew up thinking it was rude to ask for food or drink in someone else's house. I remember being little and wishing someone would offer me something to drink! I haven't thought about it as a parent, but I'll probably teach dd to wait to be offered things when she's a guest.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I don't mind either way.

If a child asks for a drink or snack while here, I have no problem getting something like carrot sticks, dry cereal, apples, juice, etc.

I try to make sure ds eats before we go out, but it doesn't bother me if he asks for food at someone's house- usually its when the other kids are eating anyways. Maybe that's because of the specific friendships? They don't seem to mind.


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## bobica (May 31, 2004)

it doesn't bother me. dd is *always* hungry, so i expect it from her. we bring snacks EVERYWHERE, but she'll ask for snacks at the houses she's comfortable in. same goes for her friends here- if they want snacks & i know what's *not* ok, it's no problem.


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## sunnybear (Nov 18, 2004)

I always bring food with us...we're vegan and none of our friends are, so we don't eat it anyway. It doesn't bother me at all if other kids ask for some of our food, though...I'm perfectly happy to share our snacks!


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## savannah smiles (May 4, 2004)

It doesn't bother me either way. When kids come here, I want them to feel at home so I'm happy to offer a reasonable snack. DD1 doesn't ask for food very often when at someone else's house so I've never had a talk with her about it.


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## WinterWillow (Apr 17, 2005)

If i invite kids over to play i would expect for them to get hungry and have a snack sometime. I would make sure my kids are well fed before they go over someones house but if they wanted a snack it wouldn't bother me if they asked for it. It's not a big deal.


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## delicious (Jun 16, 2003)

i don't mind if kids ask for food when they are over. fine by me! i do admit though, to feeling a bit embarassed if one of mine comes up to me and goes "I'M HUNGRY MOM." but i usually have something small in my purse to eat anyways.

dd is at the age now where she goes over to other peoples houses without me. mostly the neighbors. they know she is veg and usually give her something to eat. that's ok with me. their daughter eats over here, too. i'm just glad we've got cool neighbors!


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## Blooming (Feb 16, 2006)

My ds does this with a sister like friend of mine. It drives me crazy. But I know why he does it, it is because her cabinets are stuffed with potatoe chips, little debbie, cookies, and juice boxes. (They have no kids) When I try to tell ds he just ate and we'll be leaving shortly she generally over-rides me and says "no, no it's okay." (with the best of intentions). Then she opens the pantry doors and ds slides out the shelves, pretty much drooling all over himself until he finds a snack. She has come to be the friend with the treats and I guess it's okay but I still cringe when he asks.

I have another friend who whenever we go over she bakes a little something and puts out fresh fruit, cheese, and a pot of tea for everyone. Usually she and I sit around the table nibbling and the kids come and go nibbling as they want and talking with us. She is one of my favorite friends to visit, as she makes it very clear that we are all at home there and all equal there.

The more I think about the more I realize my kids routinely eat at our friends house, and vice-versa.

I like the idea of preping them before we go in. I never remember to do that.

I love when children eat at my home, unless we are in a bad money place, it does not make me feel uncomfortable at all. Of course I've never had a child be rude about it. I feel happy that a child is comfortable enough to communicate with me about their needs.


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## littleaugustbaby (Jun 27, 2003)

I don't understand why people get irritated when their kids ask for food. Kids get hungry, especially when they are playing.


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## Chinese Pistache (May 29, 2006)

Thanks for the replies.

I do not allow my kids to ask for food at someone else's house, other than grandma's house. Usually, we bring our own snacks.

My kids know not to ask others, but are allowed to accept a snack if offered (with good manners).

It does bother me a bit when kids come over, and before they've even started playing, they're asking for something to eat. In the past couple of weeks, I've had someone ask for very specific things (usually stuff we don't eat) and another child turned their nose up at every single snack I said we had. It's just rude.

However, I try to offer a snack when the kids have been playing a while, because I know kids get hungry.


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## Chinese Pistache (May 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littleaugustbaby* 
I don't understand why people get irritated when their kids ask for food. Kids get hungry, especially when they are playing.

Well, a few moms are saying that money is tight and it's really hard to feed extra mouths. Seems legit to me (and another reason I don't want my kids to ask for food; you never know when it could put a family in a tough spot).


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## littleaugustbaby (Jun 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chinese Pistache* 
Well, a few moms are saying that money is tight and it's really hard to feed extra mouths. Seems legit to me (and another reason I don't want my kids to ask for food; you never know when it could put a family in a tough spot).

If you're that hard pressed for money that offering a snack will put you in a bind, then maybe it's better to have a playdate at the park instead of your house. What happens if you are that broke and your DC has friends over, and your DC wants a snack? Would you just offer one to your child and tell your guest sorry, we're broke this week?


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

[


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littleaugustbaby* 
I don't understand why people get irritated when their kids ask for food. Kids get hungry, especially when they are playing.











It's rare that DS or a friend would have to ask though as any time DS is at a friend's there are always snacks offered and any time DS has friends here I've made sure I have stuff available for them to eat. DS is at an age where many of his visits at a friend's or with a friend here happen over lunch or lead into dinner so food is just a part of the invite.

But I grew up in a close knit community of friends where all the kids were told our house is your house and if you're hungry or thirsty please don't wait until an adult offers something; ask away!

We're raising DS in a similar circle of friends.


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Blooming* 
I have another friend who whenever we go over she bakes a little something and puts out fresh fruit, cheese, and a pot of tea for everyone. Usually she and I sit around the table nibbling and the kids come and go nibbling as they want and talking with us. She is one of my favorite friends to visit, as she makes it very clear that we are all at home there and all equal there.


How very charming! Do you think your friend needs anymore friends?


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

I have no problems with it, I always make sure we have enough of a snack or two for everyone to share at our house. I don't go through and offer choice after choice they can choose apples, oranges, or crackers, something like that anyway.

I do actually find it kinda rude when we are at someone's house and they have a snack and they don't offer to share. I do always have snacks with me, but my DD's never want what I have, they want what the other children are eating. I'm more then happy to share what we have for that fact. Most of the families we know, just share food back and forth, My DD's might eat their lunch one time, next time, their DC want what I have....


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

It doesnt bother me at all when other kids ask for food at my house. Im happy to feed them (unless they expect me to be some sort of short order cook) But I have no problem making a sandwich or heating up leftovers.

My ds only asks for food at people's houses he's comfortable with and those people don't mind!


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

Depends on where we are...if we're at Grandma's I just roll with it because usually my mom asks him if he wants something to eat.

Usually it's just silly stuff like cookies or string cheese or yogurt. My mom doesn't mind.

I don't have any rules, usually we're only at family's house anyway so they just expect it.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JamesMama* 
...if we're at Grandma's I just roll with it because usually my mom asks him if he wants something to eat.

If we're at my parents' or BF's then there's no asking, just taking.







DS knows where the good stuff is at both houses and knows he's free to help himself.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chinese Pistache* 
Do you have rules for your children regarding them asking for food when they are visiting/playing at someone else's house?

Not yet (dd is 16 months), but given that she has a dozen or so food allergies (wheat, egg, soy, nuts, you name it), I will probably have to.

I would have no problems with her friends coming over and asking for a snack, though. But at our house, they're likely to get stuff like brown rice cakes, raw cheese, and fruit, so it might not be the sugar-and-trans-fat fest they're angling for.


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## pamama (May 22, 2005)

In our circle of friends, we've never had a playgroup or playdate where a snack wasn't offered or put out. We aren't yet at the point of dropping kids off to play without parents yet. But at every playgroup/playdate we've had a snack was always put out, sometimes it was something somebody baked like zucchini bread of muffins or some crackers and fruit. We do the same. Ds has asked me if he could have some water when we are at someone's house and I forgot his water cup. But he always asks me first. Both my kids are shy about askingother adults for things so the request usually has to go through me first. And I don't really consider it rude to ask for a cup of water. Even in park situations everyone seems to share food freely, usually offering before the snack is even brought out. And all the other moms we know always make sure the food is okay for the kids to have.
Snacks just have never seemed to be an issue. Maybe because our playdates have always just been a way for the moms to also get some socializing and have a cup of tea with another person over 4 feet high.


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## jazzharmony (Nov 10, 2006)

I consider my children's friends like family and feed them whenever they visit, if they request a snack (usually stuff is already out). We usually bring snacks wherever we go and offer to share. Other parents have always done the same. Never occurred to me to feel awkward about it.


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

My rule is "We don't ask until they offer." and then the boys will usually ask what they have and pick something.

There are boys ALWAYS in my house and I have cheapo snacks in the house all the time because it seems like kids are always starving!!







I will offer food to them pretty much every time I see them to make sure they're not hungry.

I'll also ask them if they want dinner if they're around at that time and I have enough. A few nights ago I fed FIVE boys spaghetti!









I don't mind. I like it! I want my kids' friends to feel at home in my house and feel free to just to go in my pantry! (Trust me, we're not breaking at the seams with food, but I do think it's important for my kids to be able to give snacks,etc to friends.)


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## lena1984 (May 29, 2005)

I was always raised to never ask for anything while at someone's house, unless offered first. My parents also were strong on making guests feel welcomed, and always serving something.

dd is still young, but the few playdates that we have had i've always tried to serve vegies,fruit and something healthy..but i always ask the parents first before i ever offer something to their dc,(due to so many allgeries)

i'd hate for a guest to go "hungry"







in my house, and unless there is enough for everybody, i try to hide things we're low on


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

Sharing food is a way of bonding. Breaking bread together lets people share something elemental and life-sustaining. That's why all celebrations include food. Most religions include some foods, feasts, etc.

Food doesn't have to be expensive. We raised 4 kids on very little money. Things were pretty desperate. But I could always manage home made bread (toast with cinnamon and sugar? or homemade jam. Or a chese sandwich. Or make tht dough into everyone's favorite....FRIED DOUGH!)

If a kid asks for food, I assume they are hungry. Not that they're underfed. However, I did sometimes cringed when my own kids would ask for food at a friends house. Esp if I knew things were tight.


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

I've taught my oldest son not to ask his friends or their parents for food. We eat regularly and he can wait. I don't mind them asking for water, though-- thirst shouldn't wait, IMO. We don't bring food with us, unless it's a potluck or something. If they offer, that's fine, he can share a snack with his buddies. When we have friends over, I generally put out a snack and offer water.

My son loves to offer food to his friends and I hate it! He'll come in for a rice cake or whatever, then come back in asking for "one for _____" then it's "can ____ have one too?" until he's fed the whole neighborhood. So I had to get a little more strict about that-- we don't take food outside to neighborhood friends anymore! He had one friend who whined, cried and persuaded him into sneaking into the house to get her a popsicle after I said no!







:


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## zexplorers (May 4, 2004)

LIke many others have said, I try to make sure my kids are fed before we go over to someone's house and have taught DD not to ask but DS will still ask for food sometimes. Thankfully we have a close circle of friends with small kids and no one has been put off if he does ask. Most of the time the hostess puts snacks out a little bit into the playdate. This is what I do. I'll have fruit/veggies/cheese/crackers/nuts so the kids and moms can graze. I don't mind of a child asks me for food, but the snacks are on my terms not theirs







.

DD often goes on playdates after school without me and I do expect the Mom to offer a snack and I do the same. I'm grateful that our friends have similar taste in food and the snacks are generally organic and healthy.


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## ChattyCat (Sep 7, 2004)

Wow, I had no idea that so many would be upset at a kid getting hungry. I try to feed my kids before we go anywhere. I always offer food to anyone who comes over to our house. I can't imagine being upset at either my child for asking for food at someone else's home or at another child asking me for food. I just don't get it, I guess.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChattyCat* 
I can't imagine being upset at either my child for asking for food at someone else's home or at another child asking me for food. I just don't get it, I guess.

Yeah, and for me it gets down to the fact that there's a huge power imbalance between a hungry/thristy child and an adult who is in charge of offering food and drink to said child. I would never expect a child to ignore her/his hunger or thirst in the name of politeness. Maybe the child wasn't hungry at home, before leaving, or was too excited at the prospect of seeing a friend to eat (DS doesn't eat when excited) but an hour into the visit realizes she or he hasn't had lunch and the adult at the house is assuming he or she did. Or maybe the adult is engrossed in whatever she/he's doing and forgets the time that's passed (DS is older and parents are often reading, on computer etc when kids are playing.) Should the child wait another two hours or whatever in hopes of the adult offering food? Kids emotions and actions can get out of whack when their blood sugar gets funny and I don't think asking for something should be seen as rude. As an adult if I'm getting pretty hungry and a snack isn't offered I can cut my visit short and head home for food. But a child is dependent on the adults surrounding him or her.


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## Sarahbunny (Jun 13, 2006)

I think a poll is in order - where you say whether you think it is ok or not and what age your child is. Because I think it depends quite a bit on the age.

At playgroup, we all bring snacks and inevitably my dd does not want my goldfish, she wants the other mama's fish. And vice versa. I don't think it is a big deal. Now, my daughter isn't asking outright - unless you consider her going up and shaking your container of treats in your face "asking".









I have a very close friend (I tell my dh she is my co-worker, as we both SAH) who has a 5 year old son. He is welcome to ask me for a snack - I don't care at all. I do find it a little vexing when he doesn't like the type of granola bar I have or whathaveyou. But it isn't a big deal.

I don't know...when I was a kid, we always just ate whatever we wanted at each others houses. I dont' remember asking, and I was pretty polite so maybe it was just always offered? I'm trying to remember.

I can't really imagine anything ruder than someone eating a snack in front of you and not offering any. I mean, anything can be split in half really.


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

We always have pretty long playdates that encompass at least one meal, so I never thought anything of it UNTIL ds1. He is shameless ("I don't like hotdogs -- what else do you have?" "Oh, can I have some of that candy?" "What have you got for snacks?"). It's truly embarrassing, and he will not be reigned in. Fortunately, I'm good friends with his friends' mothers, so we laugh about it. I do sometimes bring along bags of this and that to even the playing field.

I know the families in question can afford it, and we do reciprocate, but I don't think that families who are tight on money should have to choose between inviting kids over and running short on food for themselves. Kids like to have their friends over. It's hard enough when money is tight to have to feel self-conscious about having kids over. I hadn't thought about it, but I'm glad someone mentioned it, so that I'm aware that it may be a financial hardship for some friends to feed my kids snacks, and remember to send some along in case.


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## todavia (Aug 11, 2006)

our mom and kid friends always make themselves at home at our house and we do the same. we bring snacks to each other's houses but they never last...so when the kids get hungry, we feed them.

as a kid, i was always amazed by the bounty of food at my friends houses. my mom never cooked and didn't keep much around so when i went over to suzy q's house and her pantry was full and her mom was happily cooking away - it seemed like heaven to me. i was always very appreciative and careful to be a "good" guest (helping with clean-up, etc). kind of sad to think they may have been silently resenting me but i honestly don't think so.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littleaugustbaby* 
If you're that hard pressed for money that offering a snack will put you in a bind, then maybe it's better to have a playdate at the park instead of your house. What happens if you are that broke and your DC has friends over, and your DC wants a snack? Would you just offer one to your child and tell your guest sorry, we're broke this week?

And what happens when you're at the park and someone's kid asks you for some of what you brought instead of eating what their parent brought? I see that happen ALL THE TIME. "The grass is greener on the other side..." My daughter does that at our LLL meetings. She'll take off after someone else's snacks even though I have a bag full of goodies that she otherwise likes.

To insinuate that one can't or shouldn't socialize if they can't afford to share food is ridiculous. It boils down to each parent being responsible for their OWN children. Feed them before they go over to play, if they'll be there for a while send a snack, and be prepared to get a phone call if your kid is hungry.


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## Blooming (Feb 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Greensleeves* 
How very charming! Do you think your friend needs anymore friends?









yeah, she's great, I'm blessed to have her in my life.


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
And what happens when you're at the park and someone's kid asks you for some of what you brought instead of eating what their parent brought? I see that happen ALL THE TIME. "The grass is greener on the other side..." My daughter does that at our LLL meetings. She'll take off after someone else's snacks even though I have a bag full of goodies that she otherwise likes.

Yes, DS does this too, whatever he sees, he wants. None of the other kids ask for our snacks, and I always bring the same type of thing. It's embarrassing.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

It's never been a big deal for us I guess. When my kids were younger they'd sometimes say they were hungry when we visited somewhere or they'd ask for a drink or some fruit or candy, particularly if they could see it on the counter or something.







We often just took snacks with us when we went somewhere so it was something of a non issue. Usually the people we were visiting were very kind and generous and would share or offer before the kids would even ask.

When we have kids visit I like to have things available for them, but most of the kids we have around know us pretty well so it's pretty casual. I've never really thought much about it. If I have something they want and I can share it then I am totally happy to do so. If I am short on milk and can't buy any for awhile I might just say _"Oh, I am sorry but I have to save my little bit of milk for now. Can I get you some ice water/tea/juice/soda/etc"_ and that's that.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
It boils down to each parent being responsible for their OWN children. Feed them before they go over to play, if they'll be there for a while send a snack, and be prepared to get a phone call if your kid is hungry.









I see this very differently. To me the adult in charge of the kids, whether they're all his or her own, is responsible for the children playing. So if I have kids over to play the absent parent isn't responsible for the children, I am. They're in my care and I feel it's my job to provide for them. My friends feel the same way about the kids playing at their houses. We're very like minded and village oriented.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

I always offer kids something to eat at my house, if they're going to be there for any length of time.

It would never occur to me to be annoyed at DS for saying, "I'm hungry and I need something to eat". I can't imagine asking him to wait until he was offered something...

I have had friends over when I was pretty broke, but I don't mind sharing things with them. I think no matter how little you have, there's always enough to share a little bit with someone else.


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## TattooedMommy (Aug 11, 2006)

Whenever kids are at our house I put food and drinks out specifically for them, and if they don't want that they are welcome to whatever. I want my kids friends to enjoy being at our house. If we go to someone else's home we have snacks and drinks with us, but most of our friends are like us and have food out and available.


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## Kitsune6 (Mar 31, 2005)

If kids are hungry I will go my best to get them fed. I don't mind my children letting other people know that they are hungry and I don't mind other kids asking to eat.

I figure that if I'm having the playdate it's my job to supply snacks but at the same time I don't expect other homes to have foods my special needs DS can eat.


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## littleaugustbaby (Jun 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
And what happens when you're at the park and someone's kid asks you for some of what you brought instead of eating what their parent brought? I see that happen ALL THE TIME. "The grass is greener on the other side..." My daughter does that at our LLL meetings. She'll take off after someone else's snacks even though I have a bag full of goodies that she otherwise likes.

To insinuate that one can't or shouldn't socialize if they can't afford to share food is ridiculous. It boils down to each parent being responsible for their OWN children. Feed them before they go over to play, if they'll be there for a while send a snack, and be prepared to get a phone call if your kid is hungry.









I totally disagree. But then again, I don't take anything to the park unless I am prepared to share it. Food, toys, or otherwise.

If you are going to have people at your house, then they are your guest. And if you're not up to providing reasonable accommodations for your guests, then don't have them over to your house. Meet someplace neutral.

It's totally ridiculous to expect kids to not get hungry, especially if they are playing. And I really have problems with associating shame with being hungry or asking for food, especially to young children. I mean honestly, if I sent my DD to play at someone's house, and they called me to tell me that my DD was hungry and that I needed to bring her a snack, I doubt we'd do anymore playdates at that house. I don't expect her to be fed every time she goes to someone's home, and generally I will offer to bring a snack for everyone to share, but I think that if you're going to invite someone over, it's rude and unreasonable to send them home to feed themselves halfway through the visit.







:


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicole lisa* 
So if I have kids over to play the absent parent isn't responsible for the children, I am. They're in my care and I feel it's my job to provide for them.

I guess that's where I disagree. I don't see being responsible for another person's child the same as having to provide for them. Like I've already said, I would have no problem at all feeding someone else's child, because like others have said, kids get hungry, and I'm in position (financially) to do so. However, I don't _expect_ other families to provide food for my daughter. I don't think not being able to afford to feed your children's friends makes you un-village oriented.

But then again, if I'm close enough to these people to leave my daughter there I probably know that they're on a budget and would send a snack along or plan around meal times.


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## Novella (Nov 8, 2006)

* None of my comments are based on any experience with families in such tight financial circumstances that a few snacks or extra plates at a meal would make any difference. And that's not to shame any families in those situations! Simply, virtually everyone I know is comfortably-financed, or so non-budgeting in their lifestyle that there is always discretionary income! I applaud those MDC mamas who know their tight finances so well and plan accordingly!

Having said that:

My girls (6.5 and 4.5) know that they are not to ask for drinks and food at other homes. They are allowed to ask politely for a glass of water if they are thirsty. I don't want them asking for milk or juice if I don't know what that family's practices are. I think generally, it's rude for them to be asking for things.

On the flip side, I would expect that if we are visiting someone, drinks and/or snacks would be _offered._ Usually, it is, and my children are certainly allowed to accept - using good manners. Occasionally, nothing is offered. But that still doesn't make it OK for my girls to ask - two wrongs don't make a right! My girls also know that at the homes of our close relatives and two close friends, this rule doesn't apply. Things are more casual and familial and the hosts may not be acting very officially as hosts!

If the kids were invited somewhere for a playdate, I would expect they would receive meals and/or snacks (as would be time-appropriate) and I would not be sending anything with them. Same deal if kids are at our house to play. I'm the adult in charge and I look after all the kids present.

I don't think any of this relates to a position of power that adults hold over hungry and thirsty children. My husband and I apply the same social rules to ourselves when we are visiting other homes.

If we meet friends at the park, I take snacks and drinks for my own kids and also try to take some extra in case someone has forgotten, or kids want to "potluck" it - which they so often do.

If someone was invited to my house and brought their own snacks for their child, I might be slightly offended. I would be wondering if they thought my snacks were inadequate quantity/quality or unclean, unappealing, etc. (Exemptions for allergies, etc, of course!)

When a child is at my house, I think it is more polite if the child waits to be offered food and snacks - unless they've been there for a while (eg. a weekend sleepover). I'm thinking of two of my daughter's friends. One is asking for junkie snacks the minute she walks into our house, or often right before meals. She's picky to boot! Her requests pretty clearly seem to stem from boredom - I think she doesn't like that we don't have TV.









My 2.5-yr-old is being coached in the same rules, but gets a little more leeway b/c he is still so young. Similarly, I wouldn't be put out if a friend's toddler asked for something at my house.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littleaugustbaby* 
And if you're not up to providing reasonable accommodations for your guests, then don't have them over to your house.

And what about families on tight food budgets? They can't host play dates just in case someone asks for food when food wasn't specified in the invitation?

Quote:

if I sent my DD to play at someone's house, and they called me to tell me that my DD was hungry and that I needed to bring her a snack, I doubt we'd do anymore playdates at that house.
I just can't imagine terminating a friendship or not allowing children to play together because one family can't afford to feed other people's children.

DD is only 19 months old, so no one is dropping their children off to play at my house, but when the time comes I would have no problems feeding them. But on the flip side, I would not expect that another family is able to feed my daughter. I would not hold it against them if they couldn't. If she's hungry she can either wait until I pick her up, she can come home early, or I can drop off a snack. It's not that big of a deal to me and I wouldn't think the host family are horrible people for it.


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## sunflowers (Sep 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicole lisa* 









It's rare that DS or a friend would have to ask though as any time DS is at a friend's there are always snacks offered and any time DS has friends here I've made sure I have stuff available for them to eat. DS is at an age where many of his visits at a friend's or with a friend here happen over lunch or lead into dinner so food is just a part of the invite.

But I grew up in a close knit community of friends where all the kids were told our house is your house and if you're hungry or thirsty please don't wait until an adult offers something; ask away!

We're raising DS in a similar circle of friends.

That's our situation as well. I try to offer snacks to ds and his friends before they have to ask but I'm not always on top of the situation







In those cases, I expect my ds to offer his friends something and get it for them. He's 15yo though. It makes a difference!


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## sunflowers (Sep 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
And what about families on tight food budgets? They can't host play dates just in case someone asks for food when food wasn't specified in the invitation?

I just can't imagine terminating a friendship or not allowing children to play together because one family can't afford to feed other people's children.

DD is only 19 months old, so no one is dropping their children off to play at my house, but when the time comes I would have no problems feeding them. But on the flip side, I would not expect that another family is able to feed my daughter. I would not hold it against them if they couldn't. If she's hungry she can either wait until I pick her up, she can come home early, or I can drop off a snack. It's not that big of a deal to me and I wouldn't think the host family are horrible people for it.

I don't think that the poster was referring to terminating the friendship. Just that she would have them at her home instead.

And I have certainly sent my ds over to friends homes with a snack. But whenever I did that, I was sure to send enough for the other kids there, too.


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## tsume (Jun 4, 2005)

I don't mind if others ask for food at our house.

I do mind when my young ones ask for other people's food. At their house, if we are at the park. I bring them snacks and feed them, but other people's food must be better.


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

Well, now it's really bothering me to think there may be a child in my kids' class who isn't having friends over because his parents can't afford snacks, and might turn down a playdate because his parents fear they will not be able to reciprocate. I think that's just awful. Fortunately, our town is pretty small, so I know most of the other moms, and I know it's not the case, but I hate to think somebody's being overlooked.

If you have a small group of friends who play together a lot, it probably does all work out if each hosts equally. Say there are 3 kids, and one day they all play at A's house, so A provides 3 snacks, then they play at B's house and B provides snack, etc., it works out to a snack a day.


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## ABand3 (May 21, 2005)

I haven't read all the responses, but have been thinking about this lately, and my answer is it depends.

If I've invited kids over to play, I'll have something available for snack that I'll put out at a certain time or if kids ask (usually mine ask first). I think if my kids are invited to someone's house for more than an hour it's reasonable for them to ask for a something to eat and drink - as long as it's not the minute they walk in the door, they are not picky about what's offered, and use best manners. I always try to feed them before they go out, and remind them not to ask for food when they walk in. If they are there for a while, they might truely get hungry, but they are usually too busy playing to just stop and ask for food if they don't really need it.

On the other hand I live in a neighborhood where kids from several houses come out around 4 pm to play in someone's yard - usually spur of the moment on where and who. There is one family with children who are very specific and demanding in their asking for food. They have just come home from school, I kind of expect them to have a snack before they come out to play, but it seems often they don't. So they say "Miss A, I'm starving, can I have something to eat". The way they ask is often very specific ("do you have any cookies or bananas?") and without basic manners (but they brag about their wonderful manners). And if the whole neighborhood is in my yard, it is a burden to have a snack for 8 kids, when it was a spur of the moment thing - not a matter of affording it, it's just we don't often have 6 or 8 servings of a single thing. The few times I've done it (for example if I just happened to have a full bag of apples or something) the hungry mannerless kids eat like they've never seen food, grab, and ask for more before others have barely started. I know they are not too poor to have food, they eat at school and I know the family can afford food - I've been in their house many times and have always seen a full kitchen - but I think it's just that they don't eat at home and expect whoever's yard they land in to provide for them without notice. That bugs me.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

My daughter's friends come over to our house to play after school sometimes, or on the weekends, and I don't necessarily mind giving them food sometimes, but it often annoys me. Usually because they come over and I don't even know if their parents know they are here, and start the "I'm hungry" routine, then proceed to shoot down every snack idea I suggest. Or if I ask them to call their mother for permission, they tell me their mother doesn't care. Sometimes they ask me if I have certain kinds of junk foods, and sometimes they expect me to cook for them, but I have to make different things for different people. And, yeah, that annoys me. Especially when they waste a lot of it.

So here is an example. A friend of my daughter's came over to play on Saturday around 12:30 pm. She was going to stay late and go to dinner with us, so I was planning on feeding her at some point, just not right away. After she got here, I lay down in the guest room because I was dog tired, my husband was still in bed or in the bedroom or something. About half an hour later I heard the kids saying they were hungry. The friend said she was *really* hungry because she hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch. OK, so lunch if my problem, but she should have eaten breakfast. I have a feeling she was offered breakfast and refused it, because she is really picky at times.

She always says stuff like that, and I know my daughter says the same thing. I'll feed my dd an early dinner and she'll ask what's for dinner around 9 o'clock at night because the food she ate at 5 was only lunch, or a snack or something. So maybe the friend didn't eat all day and maybe she ate something small, but basically she keeps telling me that she didn't eat breakfast and therefore she is really hungry and it's my job to feed her. And then, wouldn't you know it, she refuses everything I offer and the only thing she wants to eat is a frosted cookie that I brought home for my husband's birthday in lieu of cake. Hmmmm.

This happened once before. I was picking her up to take her with us for a choir rehearsal that ran from 6-8. I was hoping she would get dinner first, but I wasn't sure if she would, so I made some simple snacks and brought some drinks. Basically cheese sandwiches and fresh fruit. She didn't like her sandwich and threw it away. My daughter really wanted the sandwich and would have eaten it, but her friend tossed it. And she wouldn't eat the fruit. Then I was taking her home and she said she was hungry and wanted me to take her to get food. And I told her that wasn't my problem, and she said it was because I didn't feed her. Her exact words, "Yes it is, you didn't *feed* me." AGGGGHHHH. Yes, I DID, she just didn't like the food.

So yes, sometimes hearing, "We're hungry, what can we eat" is enough to send me screaming from the room pulling out my hair by the fistfuls.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunflowers* 
And I have certainly sent my ds over to friends homes with a snack. But whenever I did that, I was sure to send enough for the other kids there, too.

Same. I also ask if there is anything I can bring or do. I'm always perplexed by the silent unspoken rule thing. If I was planning a play date I would ASK if I can send snacks, or a batch of muffins, or something. Maybe it's just that I grew up poor so it wouldn't bother me, but if my host said they were on a tight budget and weren't planning on providing snacks it wouldn't bother me at all.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunflowers* 
I don't think that the poster was referring to terminating the friendship. Just that she would have them at her home instead.

Perhaps. If that's what she meant I apologize for misinterpreting.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Iris' Mom, I spent my childhood (until 13) with my bio mom and quite poor and with 3 siblings close in age, and one thing my mom taught me was with a little resourcefulness you can feed an army cheap.







She often had to as all four of us would have friends over at the same time. She could feed the neighbourhood pancakes for lunch or spaghetti for dinner and we'd be OK for our own family meals. It's from her I learned that lack of money should never interfere with having friends over. Luckily I've not been in a position too often to worry about that, but she was a great role model in that respect.

That doesn't mean that there aren't families who are struggling who feel differently, but in my experience in the area I grew up very few people let lack of funds get in the way of kids playing at each other's houses. Mom always argued the .99 cent bag of pasta wasn't going to be the thing to prevent the hot water from being turned off.


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## Emmeline II (Feb 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicole lisa* 







She often had to as all four of us would have friends over at the same time. She could feed the neighbourhood pancakes for lunch or spaghetti for dinner and we'd be OK for our own family meals.

Popcorn, if you make it from kernnels, not microwave bags, is cheap also.


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## HipGal (Aug 16, 2006)

I guess I kind of have a double standard on this. I am TOTALLY cool with feeding other kids when they are over here. I guess I haven't had the experience of anyone being super picky or wasting a lot of food. I'm always relieved when one of ds's friends eats our food because...

I am TOTALLY embarrassed when my kids eat a ton of food at someone else's house. Usually, they aren't even that hungry (they have eaten lunch beforehand, etc.). Food is somehow just much more enticing when it belongs to someone else, I guess.







I guess I wouldn't mind if they just had a little snack or something, but ds will keep asking for more if it is something he likes that we don't usually have (like goldfish crackers or sweets).

Plus both my kids love fruit and will eat huge amounts of it - both at home and at someone else's house. I try to reign them in when we are at playdates because I don't want them to eat all of our poor host's fruit!


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
and be prepared to get a phone call if your kid is hungry.









This is shocking ot me. You would really call the other parent if the child asked for a snack? I mean really, maybe you shouldn't have friends over if things are that tight. Seriously. We were very poor growing up, and if we didn't have food in teh house, we didn't have friends over either.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

As long as he was using good manners, I would not have a problem with my DS requesting food at someone else's house.

If I am having someone over to my house, I always put out a little buffet of fruit, veg, crackers, and juice for them to enjoy. They are, of course, more than welcome to request something else to eat/drink as guests in my home, but I won't go out to the store if I don't have something.


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

Doesn't bother me. I anticipate that kids will get hungry when they are here and put out something for them to grab. My daughter doesn't usually ask for food at others' homes because she gets so into playing that she forgets she's hungry, I suspect. And most people will put out crackers or fruit or something. It's never an issue.

As for the financial part of it, when things were really bad for us, I traded playdate hosting with a few friends. All of us were on limited budgets so we all took turns hosting the playdates and all of us put out food for the adults and kids. When we could afford it, the food was fancier but sometimes it was toast and apple slices and that's ok.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

This thread is so sad.

Kids are growing and may get hungry often. If they are going to be gone for a long time at a friend's you should send them with a snack and communicate with the other parents about food before you take them there. (Unless you have a close reciprocal relationship.) Being respectful of the parents' financial needs is understandable but hunger is normal.

But the idea that your kids are shaming or embarrassing you for normal hunger is terribly sad to me.

Is this why eating disorders exist, in part? Because children get hungry, which is normal, and they are shamed for it? (I know this is a complex issue but I wonder if this is part of it.)

Another part of the picture: if the food is highly processed such as white flour cookies, potato chips, some kids will eat it all day and still ask for more and more, because it contains few nutrients and they still crave nutrients. (But that's talking about food over a whole day or several days, not just a playdate snack.)


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chinese Pistache* 
It does bother me a bit when kids come over, and before they've even started playing, they're asking for something to eat. In the past couple of weeks, I've had someone ask for very specific things (usually stuff we don't eat) and another child turned their nose up at every single snack I said we had. It's just rude.

Maybe they are just rude.

Or maybe they don't get enough to eat at home, and their parents shame them for asking for food at home, or simply say no because of finances other reasons, and they are hoping you will be more understanding or food at your house will be more plentiful.

You know these kids and I don't. But there are so many reasons a kid wants to eat, most of them normal. That doesn't mean you have to put up with rude behavior.

I see a difference. A kid asking to eat COULD be rude, but so many people think that simply being hungry is rude, which I don't agree with.

Also....I have a hard time being nice and polite if my blood sugar drops. A baby might scream if they are hungry. People aren't always able to be nice when they are hungry. (Still, I do think certain limits are ok.)


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## Neldavi (Jun 28, 2005)

I haven't read any other responses ...

My kids are little (3.5 and a baby). The 3.5 y.o. will start saying "I'm hungry" in other people's homes when he wants some of their food. All of our friends are fine with feeding other people's kids (I think







). I certainly am. I might feel differently when they are older and can plan more and go longer between snacks/meals, but at 3, they need to eat pretty frequently and I'm glad we don't have friends who are uptight about it.


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## beanandpumpkin (Jan 2, 2005)

I always plan to have a snack available when people come over... I think that's a rule of good hostessing! So it does not bother me when children ask for a snack.

It does sometimes make me uncomfortable when my kids ask for a snack at someone else's house... it depends on the person. Mostly, we just go over friends houses who seem to have the same philosophy that I have: drinks and snacks are offered to everyone. If we were going to someone's house who I would not expect to provide a snack (if we were dropping something off to someone and stayed for a few minutes to chat, for example), and my kids started saying "I'm huuungry!", then I'd say "whoops, I'd better get them home for lunch!" and that would be the end of the visit.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

Interestingly enough, when I was broke, it really bothered (read: embarrassed) me when my dd asked for food at other people's houses, even when I knew it wouldn't strain their resources, because it strained ours when kids asked at our house. I felt like I couldn't repay the hospitality easily and I was uncomfortable with that.

Now that we're in a better place financially, it doesn't bother me at all. Which tells me it wasn't really the kids doing anything rude, it was my own baggage.

I never assume people haven't fed their kids when they ask for food at our house. It's a new place, with new possibilities, and humans are curious creatures. Of course they want to see if they'll get a new experience by eating something from our kitchen. And sometimes, little tummies just get hungry for a snack, even 15 minutes after a meal. Especially if there's a lot of running around involved, and at playdates at our house, there usually is.

I might feel differently when my kids are teenagers, but mine are still pretty little and the friends that come over are usually under 8.


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## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

When my kids have friends over they all get snacks while playing. I've never given it any thought.

I guess when they are at someone else's house they get snacks there too.

Why wouldn't you give a child something to eat if they have been at your house to play?


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## aprildawn (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicole lisa* 








But I grew up in a close knit community of friends where all the kids were told our house is your house and if you're hungry or thirsty please don't wait until an adult offers something; ask away!

We're raising DS in a similar circle of friends.

Us too.

Over the weekend we were out of town for DH's Grandma's funeral. His cousin has a little boy the same age as DD2. The mom brought M&Ms to keep him quiet during the viewing which was right at dinnertime. I had a few snacks of my own. We were the only ones with kids there. I let her know I had food and made sure it was OK if he had some. She told me she had the M&Ms, but she never offered my kids any. I thought it was weird because if her little boy had been nearby while my girls were eating their snacks I would have offered something to him.

But if we're playing with a new friend I'm not as comfortable letting my kids eat their food. This thread is giving me even more reason to be worried about it!!

Friends we know well is different. They feed my kids, and I feed their kids. No big deal.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
This is shocking ot me. You would really call the other parent if the child asked for a snack?

If you go back and read my posts you'll see that I have NO problems offering snacks. I will quite happily feed kids if they are over here playing.

BUT... I would be totally Ok with getting a phone call saying that my daughter is hungry so maybe it's time to come home early. I don't EXPECT other households to feed my daughter. If they do that's very generous of them, but if she's over there playing and we didn't arrange snacks before hand then it's not a big deal to me. I don't see the big deal here.







:


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

I only have one problem with one mom. She feeds her kids a very organic very good diet. ALL good healthy stuff. when we go places together she brings her homemade yogurt and all nice nuts and tasty things.
however, I'm a bit lazy and usually bring grapes, dinosaur chicken an apple...things that are easy and outings for my DD mean a special drink , too. Pink lemonade.
Her kids constantly ask my kids for thier food and drink and the mom doesn't say, "hey that's thier lunch here's yours"
She always smugly makes comments about the little stuff I bring.
Her kids are not allowed to have OJ or raisins at home but when they are at my house her kids go into my cabinets and open the fridge asking for OJ and raisins and bunny pasta. That drives me batty b/c theirr mom doesn't tell them to stop. It isn't the kids it's the mom.

Typically however if you come to my house I will offer you snacks and lunch and cooffee but I don't like people helping themselves b/c I can't afford to use up all the food in one day.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

I do not allow my children to ask for food at other peoples houses, I think its rude. I make sure they are fed before we leave, and if need be I have snacks for them. The exception is, if we are at my sister in laws house or another close relative. Then they usually can ask because they know its okay with me and the other person.

I hate it when other kids ask for food at my house because we don't have many "snack" foods that appeal to them. (IE: boxed stuff, fruit roll ups etc..) And what little we do have is usually for something specific with my own kids.

If they have a friend over, or a playdate whatever.. I usually make sure to have something for "snack time" to avoid them asking every 5 minutes for food.


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
And what happens when you're at the park and someone's kid asks you for some of what you brought instead of eating what their parent brought? I see that happen ALL THE TIME. "The grass is greener on the other side..." My daughter does that at our LLL meetings. She'll take off after someone else's snacks even though I have a bag full of goodies that she otherwise likes.

*To insinuate that one can't or shouldn't socialize if they can't afford to share food is ridiculous. It boils down to each parent being responsible for their OWN children. Feed them before they go over to play, if they'll be there for a while send a snack, and be prepared to get a phone call if your kid is hungry.







*


Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
If you go back and read my posts you'll see that I have NO problems offering snacks. I will quite happily feed kids if they are over here playing.

BUT... I would be totally Ok with getting a phone call saying that my daughter is hungry so maybe it's time to come home early. I don't EXPECT other households to feed my daughter. If they do that's very generous of them, but if she's over there playing and we didn't arrange snacks before hand then it's not a big deal to me. I don't see the big deal here.







:


See above bolding - the whole way thats worded is the big deal to me. Be prepared to get a phone call if your child is hungry?? I think that is really strange. When you have people over, you must be prepared to be hospitable, that means offering them food and drink if necessary, allowing them to use your bathroom (oh horrors! - where is that thread about people pooping in others bathrooms??) - maybe turning up the heat or offering a sweater if they seem cold. Thats just to be expected. Even more so with a child. If you can't afford to feed people you invite over - be it a meal at mealtimes or a snack in between times, you really should consider not having people over. Or at the very least making it clear to the parent before hand "I will not be able to offer your child anything to eat and only water to drink, will you please send something for them in case they get hungry?" and I would hope all of you who don't want to /can't feed guests at your home don't feed abyone then, including your own children.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
See above bolding - the whole way thats worded is the big deal to me. Be prepared to get a phone call if your child is hungry??

<snip>

Or at the very least making it clear to the parent before hand "I will not be able to offer your child anything to eat and only water to drink, will you please send something for them in case they get hungry?" and I would hope all of you who don't want to /can't feed guests at your home don't feed abyone then, including your own children.

I still don't see why you're so shocked. Sorry.









I don't imagine _planning_ a play date where snacks aren't arranged, but that wasn't the original question (at least I didn't think so). The original question seemed like we were talking about impromptu get-togethers, like say, a neighborhood kid coming over to play and asking for food when food wasn't required. I don't think it's the responsibility of my neighbors to keep snacks on hand for MY daughter on the off chance that she asks for a snack while she's playing 3 houses down the street. I would be totally fine with getting a phone call telling me she's hungry and she's coming home.

If we were going to someone's house for a planned play date and they told me ahead of time that they weren't planning to offer snacks, I would feed her ahead of time, bring our own snacks, and be prepared to share all the way around so as not to leave anyone out. If the kids were getting hungry I would make a point of packing up and going home for lunch, or make plans with the other mother to go pick something up, or any number of other situations, but I would never, ever, _expect_ another household to feed my daughter. I was not raised to expect food at other people's houses. A drink of water and a trip to the toilet don't even compare with ASKING for food at another person's house and EXPECTING to recieve it.


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## Hatteras Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Even if I feed my kids before going to a friend's house, they still ask for food when they're there. It doesn't bother me when another person's child asks me for food if they're here visiting. Sometimes I get exasperated at my own kids because I know they just ate but I am learning to accept that it is just what they do. All of our friends graciously offer food to my kids when we are over and my kids say they are hungry.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
See above bolding - the whole way thats worded is the big deal to me. Be prepared to get a phone call if your child is hungry?? I think that is really strange. When you have people over, you must be prepared to be hospitable, that means offering them food and drink if necessary, allowing them to use your bathroom (oh horrors! - where is that thread about people pooping in others bathrooms??) - maybe turning up the heat or offering a sweater if they seem cold. Thats just to be expected. Even more so with a child. If you can't afford to feed people you invite over - be it a meal at mealtimes or a snack in between times, you really should consider not having people over. Or at the very least making it clear to the parent before hand "I will not be able to offer your child anything to eat and only water to drink, will you please send something for them in case they get hungry?" and I would hope all of you who don't want to /can't feed guests at your home don't feed abyone then, including your own children.

Wait... so if we don't have the money to play Martha Stewart.. then we shouldn't have guests over at all?










I should have known that somehow this would evolve into a poverty vs rich people thread.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
Wait... so if we don't have the money to play Martha Stewart.. then we shouldn't have guests over at all?










I should have known that somehow this would evolve into a poverty vs rich people thread.

But all it takes is a little resourcfulness and you can afford to feed all the neighborhood kids.


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## jdedmom (Jul 11, 2006)

When we were little by brother and I used to go next door to the elderly neighbors house and beg for cookies.







We always got them.

In our defense my mom was working two jobs and we often didn't have food in the fridge. I think our neighbors knew that.

I provide snacks to the neighborhood kids. Sometimes we have 10-15 kids in and around our yard. The only thing I hate about it is some of the kids just drop the trash where ever even though I provide a bag to put trash in.


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## nicole lisa (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
But all it takes is a little resourcfulness and you can afford to feed all the neighborhood kids.


















This place has really become a shitty place to spend time. You know the one thing my birth mom gave me doesn't deserve an eye roll. That was her attitude, and I posted it in those exact words, and that's all I have left of the woman who slowly became someone else and then left. I posted not all people struggling feel that way but my mom and the other moms doing as poorly as she was did and that was a huge part of their building community in a shitty place.

I would never wish who she became on anyone, but fuck if this place doesn't need a bit of who she was in her earlier years.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

I'm so sorry Nicole Lisa.







This is getting ugly for no reason...









_My_ experience:

I have no problem with dd asking for a snack when we're at friend's houses. My friends are like sisters to me, and they would be horrified if I forbade dd to ask for something to eat if she was hungry.

Same at our house. When we host little people over to play (barring any food sensitivies) I always put out crackers and cheese, fruit, juice boxes, water, yogurt or whatever, all on a little table where they can reach it (dd is almost five).

For myself and my friends, I'll ususally have something similar - tea and fruit with something I baked.

I don't know - visiting and playtime is very special to us (even if it seems like we do it all the time







) I think it would be very hard to be in a tight financial place and not able to do that, or to be concerned about it. My heart goes out to those who are experiencing that (especially having been there in the not so far off past).


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## Upside (Jun 27, 2007)

Erased my post, I didn't read the thread before posting, don't really want to get involved...


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## Chinese Pistache (May 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 
Maybe they are just rude.

Or maybe they don't get enough to eat at home, and their parents shame them for asking for food at home, or simply say no because of finances other reasons, and they are hoping you will be more understanding or food at your house will be more plentiful.

You know these kids and I don't. But there are so many reasons a kid wants to eat, most of them normal. That doesn't mean you have to put up with rude behavior.
*
I see a difference. A kid asking to eat COULD be rude, but so many people think that simply being hungry is rude, which I don't agree with.*


I completely agree with the bolded part. I don't think being hungry is rude or shameful.

As to the kids I'm referring to, there are no financial problems at their homes. I do think they snack a lot more freely at their homes than we do, so that is part of it. BUT, I think their parents are a little oblivious about teaching them manners for when they are not around.

For example, and this is my own opinion, but I don't think it's polite to ask for anything other than water to drink (unless you need it for your blood sugar or something). That's just me. Other things cost money, water is free, water is healthiest anyway, and I teach my kids to politely ask for water if they need a drink. It bothers me when a child tells me they're thirsty and when I got to get them a drink of water, they say, "I want some milk." Yes, I know that others have different customs in their homes, but again, I think parents are being a little oblivious not to realize that 1) it could be a financial imposition for someone 2) not everyone drinks milk for thirst 3) not everyone keeps enough milk around for drinking (we don't; only for cooking and it's either organic or raw). What's the big deal? Teach your kids to ask for water (they should be drinking it anyway).

Also, as I said, I do provide snacks when kids are playing, but it bothers me when the child hates everything I offer. Raisins, rice cakes, crackers, cheese. It's not that they don't care for it; they turn their nose up at it, complain and ask for 101 other things that contain corn syrup and trans fat. Again, a little teaching of manners could go a long way. If my DC doesn't like something, they can say no thank you and wait until they come home (most after school play dates around here are 1 1/2 hours long; it's not a hardship).

And I do think there is a lot of variation in this thread based on how long the playdate is, if it was arranged or not, how many kids are around, if parents are with them, and how old the children are. I didn't think about asking people to specify the kind of situation they're accustomed to in their neighborhood/circle of friends.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Personally, the other children in our extended family *are* rude. And they are usually the guests I speak of when I'm talking about people coming over to play. They will turn down every snack I offer and instead point out and ask for the one thing in my cupboard that isn't for sharing. (perhaps the special snack for my children I buy once a month, or even something that belongs to dh, etc..) They will go into my cuboards without asking and eat things without asking. If you deny them what they ask for they will loudly proclaim, "This place sucks! I wanna go home!" and then punch my walls or throw my childrens toys.








:

I cringe when I see them coming over. And no, they aren't little. They are all older than 8. And as a mother with children younger and older.. there is no excuse for that level of rudeness.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quite honestly, I think this is a difference in subcultures, philosophy and outlook rather than a difference in income.

There are places all over the world where the families are practically starving to death, but if there is someone in need they always share, even though they really can't afford it, in any sense of the world.

So I think saying it's a "rich vs. poor" or classist issue (good gravy, I don't know about the rest of the people on this thread but I sure ain't rich, I'm about to go under financially right now as a matter of fact) is a VAST oversimplification. I think it's just about how American culture views other people and the fences we put up.

Because to say it's a rich vs. poor issue pretty much says that people who have the philosophy of always always visitors/kids/whoever food always have plenty. And I am pretty sure I am not the only person on this thread for whom that is not the case. But, I can remember growing up that even though we were really poor my mom would always have the neighbor kids over and make sure to offer snacks, whether it was some of the cookies she'd made or koolaid or whatever.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I think there is ages stages.

I always made sure my kids were well feed before we left the house. It only takes one growth spurt to ruin the no asking for food. Then it goes into manners on how to ask. I tough my kids to ask for water first--it is free. If they are offered anything else they are free to take ONE.

I thnk some parents expect their kids to not eat for way to long time period. I have had friend over for 3-4 hrs get embarrassed when they/we heard "I'm hungry".

My son is 13. We were at a friend's house. He got hungry (actually I think he stays hungry). They were surprised when he asked if they had any leftovers that he could eat to tie him over until diner. They laughed because their son is also non-stop eating machine. They got them some popcorn and we started dinner.


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## Chinese Pistache (May 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShadowMom* 
Quite honestly, I think this is a difference in subcultures, philosophy and outlook rather than a difference in income.

There are places all over the world where the families are practically starving to death, but if there is someone in need they always share, even though they really can't afford it, in any sense of the world.

So I think saying it's a "rich vs. poor" or classist issue (good gravy, I don't know about the rest of the people on this thread but I sure ain't rich, I'm about to go under financially right now as a matter of fact) is a VAST oversimplification. I think it's just about how American culture views other people and the fences we put up.

Because to say it's a rich vs. poor issue pretty much says that people who have the philosophy of always always visitors/kids/whoever food always have plenty. And I am pretty sure I am not the only person on this thread for whom that is not the case. But, I can remember growing up that even though we were really poor my mom would always have the neighbor kids over and make sure to offer snacks, whether it was some of the cookies she'd made or koolaid or whatever.

Interesting observations. You are probably right on many counts. I've lived outside of the US and yes, even the poorest provided food. BUT, I can't remember a single time when someone (and there were lots of children around) ever told the hostess that they didn't like her food and did she have anything else. That would be another difference in hospitality in the the US.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littleaugustbaby* 
If you're that hard pressed for money that offering a snack will put you in a bind, then maybe it's better to have a playdate at the park instead of your house. What happens if you are that broke and your DC has friends over, and your DC wants a snack? Would you just offer one to your child and tell your guest sorry, we're broke this week?

I have a friend who has 4 kids and not alot of money. She invited me over for a playdate but told me that she would be unable to feed us lunch due to $ issues.
I was a bit surprised, but I appreciated her honesty. I brought sandwiches for us and we all ate together.

Personally, I don't mind anyone asking for food in my house. I don't keep a ton of food in the house but we don't have people over often so I don't mind sharing. I have low blood sugar issues so I have had to ask for food at people's houses before, it's embarrassing! I usually carry something in my purse.


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chinese Pistache* 
Interesting observations. You are probably right on many counts. I've lived outside of the US and yes, even the poorest provided food. BUT, I can't remember a single time when someone (and there were lots of children around) ever told the hostess that they didn't like her food and did she have anything else. That would be another difference in hospitality in the the US.

A difference in hospitality, but probably also in manners and maturity, don't you think?

I wouldn't expect a five year to have mastered the art of being able to politely ask for a snack, but having enough of a handle on social graces to know not to be rude about being offered certain things.

On the other hand, I guess I'm also coming from a different place because I think that the idea of it being rude to ask for food is kind of... maybe a little outdated? I would never dream of asking for anything to eat at a friend's house unless my blood sugar was really low or something. But I'm not sure that really means that it's truly rude, KWIM?

I mean, isn't it too bad that our ideas of etiquette mean that someone who truly does need to eat something (and possibly something specific, due to allergies or blood sugar issues etc.) would feel ashamed and uncomfortable asking for something?


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## aprildawn (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
I should have known that somehow this would evolve into a poverty vs rich people thread.

More like *de*volve.

As I've thought about it I guess it really depends on the situation.

I think if a random neighbor kid came over and asked for food at an impromptu playdate, and turned his/her nose up at everything I offered, that would be rude. Esp if it happened frequently. And I think it would be perfectly fine to tell the kid to go home and get something to eat there. Esp if the kid refused what I had to offer.

When my friends come over and we're just hanging out, chatting, letting the kids play it's acceptable for their children to ask for food. Doesn't bother me one bit. I treat my friends' children pretty much like I treat my own.


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## Mavournin (Jul 9, 2002)

I am honestly really surprised at how many people are saying that they dislike kids asking for snacks or that they don't allow their children to ask for food. It's really sad. I'm not going to force any child, yours or mine, to be hungry. Poor manners are rude, hunger is not.

Maybe I'm just that annoying mom, I'll feed you happily, but I don't offer a multitude of snacks. If I have a pile of four year olds here, snack is say, grapes and cheese. Not John wants crackers and Matt apples and Sue hotdogs. Limiting the options limits the complaints.

I grew up with a mom and friend's moms who fed everyone. At someone's house later than 4? You automatically got invited to stay for dinner. It was a very "food is love" neighborhood.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mavournin* 
I am honestly really surprised at how many people are saying that they dislike kids asking for snacks or that they don't allow their children to ask for food. It's really sad. I'm not going to force any child, yours or mine, to be hungry. Poor manners are rude, hunger is not.

Maybe I'm just that annoying mom, I'll feed you happily, but I don't offer a multitude of snacks. If I have a pile of four year olds here, snack is say, grapes and cheese. Not John wants crackers and Matt apples and Sue hotdogs. Limiting the options limits the complaints.

I grew up with a mom and friend's moms who fed everyone. At someone's house later than 4? You automatically got invited to stay for dinner. It was a very "food is love" neighborhood.

Some of us just have a hard time providing dinner for our own families, let alone other people who happen to "drop in" around dinner time. I do have to tell people that I don't have enough for them.







Its just reality for me. If I had enough money to entertain and feed others, perhaps I'd have guests for dinner over. As it is now, I don't remember the last time I had a dinner guest in nearly 5 years because we just can't afford it. And somehow, "Come on over for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches tonight!" doesn't really entice the adults.

Sometimes I really do only have enough "snack" for my three kids. If mine were hungry while they had friends over, I'd try really hard to find something that is snack food for everyone.. but if I couldn't.. then no one would get anything right then thats all. Of course I wouldn't feed mine and not everyone, that *is* rude.

I realize not everyone on this thread has to rely on food stamps and pantry food to help get by the month. Some of us do though. How responsible would it be to rely on the food pantry, and then give away food left and right to the neighborhood kids whenever they said, "I'm hungry!" and then watch my own kids not have enough food to eat later on....


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicole lisa* 
This place has really become a shitty place to spend time. You know the one thing my birth mom gave me doesn't deserve an eye roll. That was her attitude, and I posted it in those exact words, and that's all I have left of the woman who slowly became someone else and then left. I posted not all people struggling feel that way but my mom and the other moms doing as poorly as she was did and that was a huge part of their building community in a shitty place.

I would never wish who she became on anyone, but fuck if this place doesn't need a bit of who she was in her earlier years.

I'm glad you had someone to make the best out of a bad situation, but that's not the case for everyone, which is what your post implied. Perhaps I'm sensitive about the issue because even though my mom WAS (and still is) resourceful, she still couldn't afford to feed the neighbor kids.

You comment reminded me of all the organic threads where one person says they can't afford to shop 100% organic, and then someone else chimes in to say they're on a budget and can do it so there's not excuse why everyone can't do it as well. If I misunderstood your intent, then I apologize.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

Haven't read the replies.

Either situation doesn't bother me. Food at another's house always seems to be more appealing! I expect if there are kids at my house that I will be feeding them at some point. But then again, I live in the city, not in the 'burbs where bunches of kids are running in and out of each other's houses. Other kids are only here if we invited them over for a playdate. I can see how it might get annoying if 5 kids were wandering into your house all wanting milk and cookies.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mavournin* 
Poor manners are rude, hunger is not.

I agree, so I would never fault a child on being hungry, but when it comes to poverty many people live in silence for fear of embarrassment. I would be incredibly embarrassed if my child asked for food, even with good manners, and was turned down because the host family didn't have any spare snacks, or did feed her at the expense of snacks for the next day just to save face.

I don't think it's rude, but I do think it's presumptuous to assume that the host family has food available for guests. Children still are guests. They can be as polite and cute as a button, but that doesn't change the fact that some people are not prepared or can't afford to feed guests unexpectedly. Putting your host on the spot to do so is what I find rude, not the fact that someone is hungry.

Yes, I think planned play dates are a bit different, but I'm thinking more of people stopping by, neighbor kids coming over to play, that sort of thing.


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## WinterWillow (Apr 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nicole lisa* 
I see this very differently. To me the adult in charge of the kids, whether they're all his or her own, is responsible for the children playing. So if I have kids over to play the absent parent isn't responsible for the children, I am. They're in my care and I feel it's my job to provide for them. My friends feel the same way about the kids playing at their houses. We're very like minded and village oriented.

Same here. I agree


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## Scribe (Feb 12, 2007)

Hmm...I agree w/ whomever said this is a cultural thing. The way I was brought up, it would be considered VERY rude to have anyone, adult or child, specifically invited or not, come to your house and not be offered food. It would not be rude, however, for a child to ask for a snack from any adult nearby. It would be really normal. It was pretty much assumed that food was for sharing.

FWIW, I grew up poor.


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## monkaha (Jan 22, 2004)

I remember getting in a lot of trouble for asking for food at a friend's house when I was a kid. It felt horrible. I didn't MEAN to upset anyone, was just hungry.

I try to keep this in mind with my kiddos. It is, however, deeply ingrained in me that you Do. Not. Ask. For. Food. at someone else's house. If it is offered, then politely accept or decline THAT item. It would be rude to say "No I don't like that, I want ___ instead." You take what you are offered or you have nothing. I always carry snacks that I know my kids will eat (granola bars, goldfish, things that won't spoil if they don't get eaten that trip) so that if they are offered something they don't like, they still have something available to them.

The flipside though, is that even with the above ingrained feelings, I wouldn't be offended if a kid at our house asked for something specific. If I had enough, they are welcome to it. I have a strong "mi casa es su casa" feeling here. Feel free to dig around in my fridge (look out for that moldy stuff in the back though.







) I can't explain the difference in my house vs others' houses. I guess we have a different set of manners for home vs out in public.







:


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

I grew up VERY poor as well. Apple slices don't break the bank. Neither does homemade banana bread with butter.

We still don't have a lot of money, so sometimes I do have to say, oh I'm sorry, I don't have such and such but I have rice cakes I can put peanut butter on. Sometimes we have snacks, sometimes we don't.

I'm from the South and was raised that you feed your guests. Feeding them is part of making them feel welcome and a part of your home. Impromptu or not. It's not shameful or embarrassing to say, okay guys, all we have today are raisins and milk! (or whatever).

I don't get the accusations of wealth vs. poverty.


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## Bernie (May 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WinterWillow* 
If i invite kids over to play i would expect for them to get hungry and have a snack sometime. I would make sure my kids are well fed before they go over someones house but if they wanted a snack it wouldn't bother me if they asked for it. It's not a big deal.









:


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
Wait... so if we don't have the money to play Martha Stewart.. then we shouldn't have guests over at all?










I should have known that somehow this would evolve into a poverty vs rich people thread.

No, not play martha stewart...but really, part of having guests over is making them feel welcome. It is possible to feed children a small snack for very little money.


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## Ellp (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Blooming* 
I have another friend who whenever we go over she bakes a little something and puts out fresh fruit, cheese, and a pot of tea for everyone. Usually she and I sit around the table nibbling and the kids come and go nibbling as they want and talking with us. She is one of my favorite friends to visit, as she makes it very clear that we are all at home there and all equal there.

I do the same thing when we people come over.







I either get out the bread machine for fresh bread, or have apples, cheese and crackers on the table next to the tea. The kids are welcome to help themselves.

When I go visit other people, I usually will bring something for everyone to share. If money's tight or I don't have the time to make or get something, we'll usually meet at a park etc.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ellp* 
I do the same thing when we people come over.







I either get out the bread machine for fresh bread, or have apples, cheese and crackers on the table next to the tea. The kids are welcome to help themselves.

When I go visit other people, I usually will bring something for everyone to share. If money's tight or I don't have the time to make or get something, we'll usually meet at a park etc.

But what if when you do this or something similiar the kids rummage through your cabinets looking for other stuff or asking for things that are not meant for the group?

I think that is where the problem is. That is where the money issue comes into play. In my house I don't want to share the OJ it is very expensive for us and I keep in the back when the 2 kids in particualr come over...but they still ask and their mom does not say, "no" as she would if they wanted to get it in the store b/c they don't keep juice in thier house.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

So if all I have in my house is a can of beans and a can of chopped Italian tomatoes.. (this is what my pantry looked like last week.) I'm supposed to offer them to my guests to be a good host? Even if they're going to look at me like I have ten heads or laugh at me?

I suppose I can. But honestly.. some people don't have everything to make spur of the moment banana bread. At this moment I'd be missing half the ingredients. And some of us can't even buy apples every month because we just can't afford it.









I don't get where not offering food you don't have, equals being rude or a bad hostess.


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

[


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## littleaugustbaby (Jun 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
I grew up VERY poor as well. Apple slices don't break the bank. Neither does homemade banana bread with butter.

Definitely. Nobody's saying you need to set out a 3 course meal. And it's ok to say "I need the milk for dinner, so we can't have milk, but we can have some water instead."


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
I grew up VERY poor as well. Apple slices don't break the bank. Neither does homemade banana bread with butter.

We still don't have a lot of money, so sometimes I do have to say, oh I'm sorry, I don't have such and such but I have rice cakes I can put peanut butter on. Sometimes we have snacks, sometimes we don't.

I'm from the South and was raised that you feed your guests. Feeding them is part of making them feel welcome and a part of your home. Impromptu or not. It's not shameful or embarrassing to say, okay guys, all we have today are raisins and milk! (or whatever).

I don't get the accusations of wealth vs. poverty.

Thank you


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## vbactivist (Oct 4, 2006)

hipumpkins said:


> But what if when you do this or something similiar the kids rummage through your cabinets looking for other stuff or asking for things that are not meant for the group?
> 
> I think that is where the problem is. That is QUOTE]
> 
> Rummaguing through somesons cabinets is rude, no matter the age. Thats not what Im talking about. Im talking about offering what you can. Not having kids comeo over and look through my fridge.


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## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

I think kids automatically assume that the food at someone else's house is more interesting and somehow better than that at their own houses.







It's partly a grass is greener thing and partly curiosity. I swear, even if my kids have JUST eaten, they want snacks at a playdate, or a relatives - wherever. (They're 2 and 4 - the 4 year old is the biggest offender.) It's kind of embarassing - I always say, "I swear I feed them at home!!"









I always offer snacks when other kids are over (I check with the moms first to make sure they're OK with whatever I have on hand.)

I have DRILLED into their heads, though, that it's NOT OK to open someone else's fridge/cabinets. It's a manners/boundaries issue for me.


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## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

Quote:

Wait... so if we don't have the money to play Martha Stewart.. then we shouldn't have guests over at all? I should have known that somehow this would evolve into a poverty vs rich people thread.
Oh lordy. We're not talking about offering caviar and macadamia nuts. Apple slices, bananas, some goldfish or crackers, diluted juice, water, raisins - stuff like that. Watch the sales in the stores and pick up items that are inexpensive. If people turn their nose up at whatever you *can* offer within your budget, then that's plain rude (unless of course it's a allergic issue or the like.)


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## Kajira (May 23, 2006)

when I was little I never accept food outside the house unless it was from a very small set of people, my god mother, cousin and the old lady my mom paid to take me to school.
2 times stand out, being 7 or so and someone offering me ackees one of my fav fruits and I said no thanks, and the person persisted and a said I had some home , although I hadn't had any for the season








And being at a friend's house as a teen, and being offered food and declining and coming home and asking my mom to cook it for me








My ds is taught not to ask for food, but rarely is he playing in a home, he's playing outside and has money so a corner shop is always close and his best bet for a snack, dd will be taught the same thing.

I on the other hand love feeding others, you will be offered food when you come to my house, there's aways a cake or some fresh dessert to be offered and I cook 5 days a week, so food is never an issue


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## Mavournin (Jul 9, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kajira* 
when I was little I never accept food outside the house unless it was from a very small set of people, my god mother, cousin and the old lady my mom paid to take me to school.
2 times stand out, being 7 or so and someone offering me ackees one of my fav fruits and I said no thanks, and the person persisted and a said I had some home , although I hadn't had any for the season








And being at a friend's house as a teen, and being offered food and declining and coming home and asking my mom to cook it for me








My ds is taught not to ask for food, but rarely is he playing in a home, he's playing outside and has money so a corner shop is always close and his best bet for a snack, dd will be taught the same thing.

I on the other hand love feeding others, you will be offered food when you come to my house, there's aways a cake or some fresh dessert to be offered and I cook 5 days a week, so food is never an issue

I'm confused. Why is it okay to feed others but not okay to let others feed your kid? I'm really not trying to be snarky. I just don't get it.


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## Kajira (May 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mavournin* 
I'm confused. Why is it okay to feed others but not okay to let others feed your kid? I'm really not trying to be snarky. I just don't get it.

it's cultural


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
I suppose I can. But honestly.. some people don't have everything to make spur of the moment banana bread.

Or the time. My mother was a single mother supporting three kids. She didn't have time to whip up muffins for the neighborhood kids. The only time we got fresh baked goods was during a holiday when my mom had time off. She certainly wasn't going to whip up a batch of muffins to feed the neighbor kids!









Quote:

And some of us can't even buy apples every month because we just can't afford it.







.
We had fresh fruit for the few days after pay day, that was it. My mother is a nurse and worked shift work, so sometimes the store was closed when she got off work, so she did big shopping trips on her days off around pay day and rarely had the time or money to shop in between. Even the apples were rationed and accounted for, so if we sliced an apple to feed friends, then we didn't get one in our lunch.


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

My mom was a single mom working 2 jobs and going to college. This isn't about who was most poor, or who has the least time...it's about hospitality and guests.

You don't HAVE to do banana bread it was an example for crying out loud.

There are LOTS of lower income people ALL over the place who somehow manage to be hospitable to their guests with what they've got.

I just get aggravated when people use the poverty issue. We've been poor. So poor. soo soo poor. Yet if my friends came over, they were offered a friggin raisin/apple/bread with butter.

Where I'm from it's called manners. That's fine if that's not the way you were brought up or whatever but don't say I'm classist because I think it's rude not to offer snacks when people are at your house.


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## BetsyS (Nov 8, 2004)

Some of ya'll's houses are just different than mine. There is always a random package of graham crackers and cups for water here. And, if that's all I've got, that's what I offer. But, I do offer food. Last weekend, my dad and stepmom came over. They got brownies from a mix and ice water, cause it wasn't payday week.









But, I can see the begging for food, then not accepting what you offer. That's just rude, and we have some small friends and relatives that try that here. I can't stand it.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 
This thread is so sad.

Kids are growing and may get hungry often. If they are going to be gone for a long time at a friend's you should send them with a snack and communicate with the other parents about food before you take them there. (Unless you have a close reciprocal relationship.) Being respectful of the parents' financial needs is understandable but hunger is normal.

In my situation, though, the kids live right across the street. They come in the house because my daughter wants them to come in, but it is no big deal for them to go back home if they are hungry. And often, when the snack I offer is something they don't want, that is exactly what they do.

In my old neighborhood, I had children coming over to visit my 1 year old. So I would let a group of them in and I think they really just liked to play with each other away from their parents. They always asked me for food, and their moms were constantly telling me to send them home for food. At the time I really wasn't sure if the other moms didn't want me feeding their children, or if they were trying to be considerate of me. So I never knew if I was pissing the parents off by feeding their kids or not feeding their kids.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
My mom was a single mom working 2 jobs and going to college. This isn't about who was most poor, or who has the least time...it's about hospitality and guests.

You don't HAVE to do banana bread it was an example for crying out loud.

There are LOTS of lower income people ALL over the place who somehow manage to be hospitable to their guests with what they've got.

I just get aggravated when people use the poverty issue. We've been poor. So poor. soo soo poor. Yet if my friends came over, they were offered a friggin raisin/apple/bread with butter.

Where I'm from it's called manners. That's fine if that's not the way you were brought up or whatever but don't say I'm classist because I think it's rude not to offer snacks when people are at your house.

So if all you had was a can of beans and a can of Italian tomatoes... you would offer them to your guest?

We don't always have apples, or crackers and cheese just waiting for company.


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## lovebugmama (May 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littleaugustbaby* 
I don't understand why people get irritated when their kids ask for food. Kids get hungry, especially when they are playing.









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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
So if all you had was a can of beans and a can of Italian tomatoes... you would offer them to your guest?

We don't always have apples, or crackers and cheese just waiting for company.

Usually when I have beans, I have rice. I would offer beans and rice.

If not, I would say, hey you want some cold beans as a snack?? It's what we've got and I'm about to eat some!!

I'm not embarrassed by having no food. My financial situation is what it is. This is what I have...would you like to share it with me??

I'm okay with that!!


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
Usually when I have beans, I have rice. I would offer beans and rice.

If not, I would say, hey you want some cold beans as a snack?? It's what we've got and I'm about to eat some!!

I'm not embarrassed by having no food. My financial situation is what it is. This is what I have...would you like to share it with me??

I'm okay with that!!

See, what if you weren't going to eat the beans though?







What if you yourself had no desire to eat cold beans? Would you still offer them?

I would never eat in front of a guest and not offer them food. My whole argument is that I simply don't put myself in situations where I have to share food when we don't have much. If someone stops by when we would be having dinner, we usually wait until they leave. Literally we only cook enough food for us. Sometimes if we have leftover its usually something in bulk that isn't too fancy like beans and hotdogs.


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

I would still offer them. Me saying I was going to eat them would be just to ease the situation and not make my guest feel uncomfortable or feel that they were eating literally my last can of beans. It was the question that was asked so I answered it!!

I also wouldn't usually invite people over to my house if I was that low, but if someone stopped over and was hungry, I would. Or if we were REALLY good friends I'd pretty much tell them, look I've got NOTHIN'!! Do you want some beans??


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
Where I'm from it's called manners. That's fine if that's not the way you were brought up or whatever but don't say I'm classist because I think it's rude not to offer snacks when people are at your house.

I think you're classist, you think I have no manners. Hey, wanna get together and share a can of cold beans? Sounds like good times.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
Me saying I was going to eat them would be just to ease the situation and not make my guest feel uncomfortable or feel that they were *eating literally my last can of beans*.

And what happens if your last items of food are part of planned meals? When do you draw the line? When do you keep your last bit of food for your own family and just say "geeze, I wish I had some snacks to offer but grocery day is on Friday, how about some ice water?"

I've been in homes that were very warm, welcoming, inviting, hospital and friendly, and not a single piece of food passed my lips.







The insinuation that a host is rude if they don't offer food is ridiculous.

The only time I think food is _required_ is when I'm invited over for food. I just don't _expect_ it otherwise. THAT is rude to me.

I like entertaining and cooking, so I'm always making something. I made a shrimp, cilantro and chili salad for my husband's aunt who stopped by this afternoon from out of town, then made her a bed and let her take a nap while I packed her a doggy bag to go, burnt a CD with pictures of the baby, and gathered up old magazines for her to read while she stayed here. I think I'm a good hostess, and yet I still don't understand how people expect to be offered food, much less someone's last can of beans.

The only reason I will teach my daughter to not *ask* for food at someone's house is not because I think hunger is rude, it's because I would never want to put a family in the position to offer food that they didn't plan on serving. I think the exception will be at grandma's house, but when we stop in at friends places I will not expect them to feed my daughter, thus, I won't allow her to expect it by asking. I carry snacks with us for that reason.

I think we've all established that planned play dates are different. I'm thinking of people stopping by or the neighbor kids coming over to play. I do not think it is the responsibility of the neighbors or my friends to keep snacks around on the off chance that my daughter asks for food.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

It doesn't bother me in the least, in either direction. In fact I generally assume that when children are HERE that I should be expected to feed them. For example, my kids have playdates with kids who have gluten intolerance and severe nut allergies and I always make sure to haev the GF cookies he really likes here and the sunflower seed butter to make lunches if A__ visits. I know it's not *necessary* but I do think it's gracious and makes sure I have something I KNOW I can give the child(ren) without upsetting their tummies or worse.


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

I plan on offering a snack to children who come over to play. We're on a tight budget, so that snack may be somethign small. But a snack nonetheless. This conversation about a can of cold beans is cracking me up btw.

As poor as we and many of our friends were, we were always offered a few crackers or something.

Nobody dined on caviar and truffles, that's for sure.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I don't think it is rude to ask for food. i don't think it is rude to say no. I don't think it is rude to not offer food.

I don't think most people have any idea what it is like to have very little food that it might not stretch far enough, have to rely on food banks.


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## Periwinkle (Feb 27, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
The only reason I will teach my daughter to not *ask* for food at someone's house is not because I think hunger is rude, it's because I would never want to put a family in the position to offer food that they didn't plan on serving.

Yeah I can see this. I do think it's a socioeconomic thing... this is going to vary A LOT based on people's financial circumstances.

And it would be socially uncomfortable if a poorer child were always eating at a wealthier friend's house but not the other way around. When people feed other people, the social custom pretty much EVERYWHERE (regardless of class or country) is that it is returned. You invite me to dinner at your house, I invite you to dinner at my house. You invite me to dinner and I bring a bottle of wine. That sort of thing. It's uncomfortable to take and not give in return.

Even though I would be TOTALLY fine with feeding a child who was hungry at my house (even if every week or whatever) without my children being fed at their house, I understand that this could make that child and/or that child's family feel self-conscious and awkward about the whole imbalance, and so I would understand if they would prefer we not feed their child at all.


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

I think I understand that every week church ladies would bring a bag of groceries over to my house. I think I understand that when I donated food to the can-a-thon in school (my mom was too embarrassed to tell me not to) a little while later a LOT of cans showed up at my house. I think I understood when MY name was on the angel tree for gifts at christmas.

I think that I remember seeing my mom ask the ladies who brought us our groceries if they'd like some tea or maybe some sardines/crackers. I think I remember my mother never turning a hungry person away. I think I remember eating ketchup sandwiches but by damned if another kid was there my mom would have offered some.

I think that I understand that you can be gracious in bad circumstances and that has nothing to do with money.


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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)




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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Periwinkle* 
Yeah I can see this. I do think it's a socioeconomic thing... this is going to vary A LOT based on people's financial circumstances.

And it would be socially uncomfortable if a poorer child were always eating at a wealthier friend's house but not the other way around. When people feed other people, the social custom pretty much EVERYWHERE (regardless of class or country) is that it is returned. You invite me to dinner at your house, I invite you to dinner at my house. You invite me to dinner and I bring a bottle of wine. That sort of thing. It's uncomfortable to take and not give in return.

Even though I would be TOTALLY fine with feeding a child who was hungry at my house (even if every week or whatever) without my children being fed at their house, I understand that this could make that child and/or that child's family feel self-conscious and awkward about the whole imbalance, and so I would understand if they would prefer we not feed their child at all.











I _was_ that child growing up. I was always invited to stay for dinner at friends houses, and as I got older I felt almost like a freeloader because my family couldn't afford for me to have guests over. In fact, those nights that I didn't eat at my own home meant that my family could breathe a little easier that week because they saved some food not needing to feed me.

I did notice the imbalance. It was embarrassing to me. As much as I liked to eat at my friends house... after awhile I didn't know what to say. I knew it was expected we return the invite.. yet we couldn't.

attachedmamaof3, please don't take this personal. We all have different experiences. My family was *not able* to share our food with others. I'm glad your family was. Your experience is just that. Yours. Of course its going to color how we view things now and how we live our life. Thats part of being an individual. I don't think either way is necessarily right or wrong though.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
I think I remember eating ketchup sandwiches but by damned if another kid was there my mom would have offered some.

But I wouldn't think you were rude if you didn't offer me some.









For what it's worth, I used to walk home from school for lunch because I was embarassed that I didn't have a packed lunch and couldn't afford to buy one. I remember eating mustard on saltine crackers, then walking all the way back to school. We also used to make popcicles out of water and pretend they were watermellon and rootbeer flavoured (our favorites).


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

I would never take that personally. I understand completely and you're right. That is p;robably part of the reason why I go out of my way to make sure something is offered to everyone who is in my home.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chinese Pistache* 
Do you have rules for your children regarding them asking for food when they are visiting/playing at someone else's house?

How do you feel about other children asking you for food while visiting/playing at your house?

I do get aggravated when this is the OP's original question..regarding children visiting your home and it got completely skewed into something else. It is not something to be ashamed of to say.."Let's not meet over here today we're low on groceries!" or suggest meeting at the park instead if you know you have nothing to eat at your house. I guess it is cultural I don't know.

One of my son's friends eats over ALL the time and we don't think a thing about it. He's a friend and he's welcome!! I'm sure your friend's parents didn't think a thing either.


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## Leilalu (May 29, 2004)

I think , if you know your friends, it shouldn't be a big deal. you should come prepared, but if you have a mutual understanding that it is ok for your kids to ask as long as it is ok with that particular mom, I see nothing wrong with it. I don't like it when my kids ask for food ALL THE TIME, but the grass is always greener on the other plate when you are 3 and 5!
I could bring a perfectly healthy lunch, and my kids won't eat a bit of it.
in return, I always am generous with food. I will offer snacks, and even prepare food for guests. I may have just shopped, or maybe you get my good leftovers









I don't mind when kids ask me for food, and I don't feel bad too often when my kids ask, as long as the mom doesn't mind. And usually, if you have good friends, they will be honest with you!


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## attachedmamaof3 (Dec 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *North_Of_60* 
But I wouldn't think you were rude if you didn't offer me some.







.

But that's the thing...I wouldn't think YOU were rude if I were at your house. To me, at MY house, I would feel VERY rude if I didn't offer you something....does that make sense?

Kind of like how my kids need to wait to be offered something at someone else's house...but I offer stuff to their friends all the time?

I don't want to put anyone else out, but I want to make everyone in my home feel welcome and that's part of how I feel like I do that. I wouldn't sit in your kitchen and grump that you didn't offer me something AT ALL!! BUT, if you were in my home, I would feel rude if I neglected to offer you something. (Kind of how I vaccuum before people come over but I would NEVER expect someone else to vaccuum before I visit...)


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
But that's the thing...I wouldn't think YOU were rude if I were at your house. To me, at MY house, I would feel VERY rude if I didn't offer you something....does that make sense?

Kind of like how my kids need to wait to be offered something at someone else's house...but I offer stuff to their friends all the time?

I don't want to put anyone else out, but I want to make everyone in my home feel welcome and that's part of how I feel like I do that. I wouldn't sit in your kitchen and grump that you didn't offer me something AT ALL!! BUT, if you were in my home, I would feel rude if I neglected to offer you something. (Kind of how I vaccuum before people come over but I would NEVER expect someone else to vaccuum before I visit...)

So really, its just a personal feeling. I can understand that totally. (I do the same thing with vacuuming.)

If I didn't get offered food at someones house, I wouldn't at all feel they were rude in not offering. And I'd hope that if I didn't offer them food, they wouldn't feel I was being rude either.


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## North_Of_60 (May 30, 2006)

Quote:



Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chinese Pistache* 
(Mods, I didn't post this in children, because I'm curious about how moms of children of all different ages would answer, and I'm interested in a discussion about culture/manners/customs, if relevant.)

Do you have rules for your children regarding them asking for food when they are visiting/playing at someone else's house?

How do you feel about other children asking you for food while visiting/playing at your house?


Quote:


Originally Posted by *attachedmamaof3* 
I do get aggravated when this is the OP's original question..regarding children visiting your home and it got completely skewed into something else.


It's not skewed at all. The reason I will teach my daughter not to ask for food is because I would never want to put a family in the position where they feel obligated to serve food that they can't spare. The two issues - being able to afford feeding guests, and whether or not you will have rules about asking for food - are directly related in this case. I think.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I have not read every post, but skimmed many. So if I am repeating, I am sorry.

I have learned that children are very verbal and will say the craziest and oddest things. And they generally, at least when they are very young, have no shame. So they tend to ask for anything they think of or want at the time they think of it or want it. My children do ask for things at others houses and the neighborhood children ask for things at my house.

We are a very low income family. I usually have barely enough money to feed my family well, but we always have something. The neighborhood children all come to my house to play with my children. And they ALWAYS ask for food. I keep a large jar of corn on the counter and can pop some popcorn, if I have nothing else (this is very cheap). I always offer them something to drink, even if I only have iced water.

I feel 'polite' in offering a snack or drink to someone visiting my house. If I honestly have no food to offer, I will offer a glass of water or usually iced tea (as we ALWAYS have that around). I try to keep something available just for that reason.

I know what it is like to worry about not having enough. But we always manage to feed everyone and no one goes hungry. Three little girls live next door, and they are always asking for food. I don't think they are going hungry at home, I think they just like our food. So I smile and feed them. I make jello, pudding, cakes, and cookies on a regular basis for my children so I have a little bit to offer, even if it is just a small piece or a small bowl.

And by feeding them, I am building a relationship with them and making them feel safe and secure. I think their little world is not so great, so I do everything I can to make them feel loved, even though they are not my own.

Anyways, I guess I got OT a bit. I don't mind children asking for food or drinks from me. I am always conscious that even though I have little to offer, it is possible that they have even less. And if they have more than me, I am just being polite and well mannered. If I begin to feel like they are using me, well, then I would change things, but that has never happened. And if my own children asked for food at someone else's house, if I heard them, I would gently tell them that we have plenty at home or something like that, but I would not be angry, nor would I be upset if they did it when I was not around and then were given something. The person of the house is just as capable of saying no as I am.


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## *clementine* (Oct 15, 2004)

So yes, sometimes hearing, "We're hungry, what can we eat" is enough to send me screaming from the room pulling out my hair by the fistfuls.







[/QUOTE]

Phew. So glad you covered that whole senerio so I don't have to.







:
That's how it is around here, but I have FOUR kids who pull this crap-and then their friends do too. I can't breath at snack time and dread it. But I always feed whoever is here. It makes me feel good.
Another thing I secretly dread is when snack at our house is cookies and milk, and a school friend has stopped over who is vegan.......


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## huggerwocky (Jun 21, 2004)

I've fed so many children here, really, I've never thought about it. I only made it a point that my daughter would come over when people have dinner or lunch time and not invite herself.


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## MSmomma3 (Mar 28, 2007)

I hate to be hear the kids ask for anything...also I don;t give me kids a lot of junk...so they go to the neighbors get hopped up on candy and soda then act like demons here...so I don't like it
Plus I hate when other peoples kids ask for food here cause they end up thinking its weird that my kids eat veggies or wheat pasta or etc.


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## dolphinkisser (Dec 26, 2003)

If kids are at our house playing with my kids...ofcourse they are going to ask for food. Like PPs said ...they get hungry and besides...many times they think it is neat to eat at other houses because the food is different. If I don't happen to have any food in the house...i just tell the kids. I never give it a moments thought. Some kids are so at home , they go in the fridge. It did not even occur to me that this was tacky until some other parents mentioned it to me


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