# Toddlers Tantruming, Mommy Losing It



## EricaRain (Nov 9, 2007)

I have a 17 month old (Monkey) and am in the process of adopting an almost 3 year old (Toddler) who has only been living with us a few weeks.

Well, part of Toddler settling in is throwing tantrums and testing limits. We know this is a good sign - it means he's feeling comfortable and secure enough to worry about things like misbehaving and what he can get away with rather than survival etc. Still, it's really hard sometimes to maintain this is a good thing.

I know they are just being kids, that I can't expect perfect behaviour, that everything is normal and good. I know I don't want to scare them into behaving, and yet I get SO frustrated. I know all this logical, reasonable stuff, and yet my temper rises and rises. I refuse to be the mommy who hits or screams or scares her kids into behaving. But I find myself getting to that point again and again!

So, how do you do it when you're really at the edge of your temper? How do you make yourself not spank or scream? How do you give more attention and attachment to a child when you're so mad at his behaviour?

So far I am taking time to myself when they nap (but one is fighting naps too), and when my husband can take them (he's on nights so right now he can't take them very much). I do deep breathing, counting, and visualizing. I try to connect with the kids on happy terms often so they don't misbehave to get my attention. I try to balance me time and them time.

Yesterday I left Toddler upstairs for a timeout for probably 45 minutes, him yelling and moaning the whole time but in a safe space, because I just couldn't handle him anymore. I had to cool off, and believe me, I felt 10x better afterwards, except I felt guilty - was that terrible of me?

Somedays I feel like I can't do this. How do you cope when you are losing it?


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## zoe196 (Mar 20, 2007)

Tantrums are really hard and it can be difficult to not have your own temper rise during one. When my ds (now 2.5) first had tantrums (about 6 months ago) I found myself taking it personally and getting very angry myself. He doesn't have them often these days but when he does (usually when he doesn't get his way NOW) I try and diffuse/distract and if that doesn't work I'll say something along the lines of "I know you want x/ are cross because x but if you keep shouting like that you will have to get down off the bed/ go in the other room/ usually this stops it pretty quickly as he realises he won't get what he wants and usually cools off and wants a cuddle.

A book that really helped me learn to deal with tantrums is "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp.

Forty-five minutes seems like a very long time to leave a toddler in a time out to me. My ds would be pretty hysterical if I left him for 4 to 5 minutes! I felt sorry for the little guy when I read that in your post. I'm not sure what else to suggest and I'm hoping you get some wise suggestions from other mamas.

Hope it gets better.

Zoe, mama to Thomas 01/06


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## kacymoose (May 18, 2008)

I'm not sure from your post, but is it his tantrums that are making you feel so angry? Or is it that he has a tantrum when you try to correct his behavior? Or is it the behavior itself that is making you feel upset?

It has to be a big adjustment for everyone involved. I think to deal with your anger, you have to look at and understand where the anger is coming from. Then maybe come up with some ideas as how you want to react instead and rehearse them. If you find yourself getting ready to react in anger, take a minute or 2 to cool down and try to remember how you want to react. I understand needing some time to cool down. Instead of putting him on a time out for an extended period, maybe let him watch a video instead so you have some time to get yourself together? That may sound like rewarding the bad behavior, but I see it as a redirection. What he was doing was unacceptable, it was stopped and now he is moving on to something that can't get him in trouble. I'm not recommending it long term either, just at the times where you need some time to regroup. Maybe future redirections could be stories or playdough or coloring.


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## EricaRain (Nov 9, 2007)

Thanks for the responses. I have and am reading Karp's book.

I've been thinking about it, and I think what's making me angry is that he needs non-stop attention. He is very sensitive and intense. He is jealous of my younger boy, and it really makes me angry when he pushes, hits, or pulls things away from him. He will do this while looking right at me to see whether I'll stop him. His behaviour towards the other child is at many times mean. In his foster home he was the favourite and the other child there got the short end of the stick. Now I realize maybe part of her anti-social behaviour with him is how he was treated - such that he should be responded to first, get first pick of the toys, get his needs met through whining, and so forth.

I notice there's a pattern today - morning and afternoon he cries, whines, and complains constantly. By supper-time into the evening he wants to cuddle on my lap and spend time alone with me. In between he will panic if I move away from him and try to "butt in" to get coddled so the other boy doesn't get attention. Probably he is just having trouble attaching and feeling safe here and is going back and forth between wanting to please me and not wanting to be here at all.

It's hard to cuddle with him in the evening when, by then, I've spent the whole day being frustrated with his behaviour.

I just need ways to let the frustration go I guess.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Hmm . . .I wonder if part of this is your Mama Bear coming out? Are you feeling worried that your younger child will be neglected?

Not to say that your younger child won't need attention, but as I like to explain to my 6 yo, "FAIR does not mean EQUAL." Give yourself permission to devote as much attention to your 3 yo as you can handle. I know it is hard when someone wants non-stop attention (very hard!!!!) but when I manage to do this, it helps . . .OFFER attention to him. At this point, try to be the one to initiate the attachment, to offer the cuddles and hugs, not just go along when he asks.

I don't know if you are a TV watching family (my own has been watching far too much lately), but honestly, TV helps us. Sit with both of them while you watch TV, talk about the show, and cuddle. It's a pretty easy way to get in a lot of cuddles without competition. Books are good when it's 1-1 time, but I find it difficult to read with my 18 mo around sometimes.

And just a side note . . .did you leave him alone for 45 minutes, or did he choose that?


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## zoe196 (Mar 20, 2007)

I have been thinking about your situation more...I'm guessing your 3yo has been though quite a bit in his short life and is trying to make sense of it all. He is similar in age to my ds who is also an intense little character and I'm really aware how important security is to my ds. (He had a pretty intense start to life due to circumstances/ upheavels occuring during my pregnancy and the 1st year of his life). I'm guessing your ds is needing to know (and is testing?) that you will be there no matter what. I also imagine that he is possessive of you and jealous of your other child because he so desperatly needs love/ attention/ affection from you and sees your other child as competition and/or an obstacle in the way of him getting those needs met.
I think if you can suceed in helping him feel secure and safe (which will probably take some time) his behavoir will settle down. I'm guessing your other child is settled and happy and less intense and could probably cope with you focusing on the task of settling in your 3yo.

Regarding your feeling angry-- perhaps it would help to keep in mind your lo's siutation and try and view it with compassion and understanding-- his behavoir is for a reason. That's not to say that certain behavoirs are ok but maybe finding a way to be firm setting boundries with out acting in anger.

It must be very hard-- I only have one child and find it very difficult at times.
Do you have plenty of support for yourself so you can get a break and spend time alone with both children?

The pp brought up whether lo had chosen the 45 minute time out-- I had read it that he hadn't. It would seem that enforced seperation and isolation from you will only serve to make him less secure in himself/ trigger issues of abandonment he might have and ultimatly make you task more difficult.

Another thing that came to mind is using flower remedies to help ease the transitition in your household. I don't know if you have heard of them or if you are "into" that sort of thing but in my experience they can work wonders--especially on small children. The ones that I think could help are Walnut which is for life changes such as moving house etc, Holly for envy/jealousy and Chicory for those who seek attention through negative behavoir and a fear of losing loved ones. There may be others and there is a flower remedy thread on MDC where you might get other suggestions. I really can't stress how helpful these can be. Also, if you have trouble getting them and want to try them I have stock bottles and would be glad to share them.

Zoe, mama to Thomas 01/06


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## jillmamma (Apr 11, 2005)

This is a difficult age anyway, plus throwing in all the transitions he has gone through! DD is a couple of months older, but a lot of her fits come when she is really trying to assert herself ("me do it!") or does not want to do what I want her to do. Giving a couple of choices helps some, giving her a little time to chill out in the same room helps some, and making sure she gets a lot of rest/sleep helps a LOT. Also, getting some outside time to burn off energy makes a difference. I hope things get better for you soon!


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## mama_mojo (Jun 5, 2005)

Are you good at putting kids on your back in a close body carrier? Both of my daughters benefited from being carried through the 3 year time. They were HEAVY, and I used the sutemi and a wrap carrier to put them on my back. They would go from one bad idea to the next, but suddenly relax against my back. On my back, they were not acting up (out), I was not feeling nagged by their steady (normal) demand for attention, they were resting during a period when they were not napping, they were separated from their siblings. Even if they whined, yelled, nagged me verbally from their perch on my back, I felt pretty cool with zoning out, swaying, singing, as I washed dishes or vaccuumed, or moved laundry around. I don't mean they were demanding to get down, there was no force, I just mean I could ignore many annoying behaviors of tired, overstimulated, frustrated, trying children when they were on my back. Also, I could help their siblings without too much trouble with them on my back.


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## sweetpeppers (Dec 19, 2007)

I just try to remember that he's already upset, and both of us being upset is not going to help anything.


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## EricaRain (Nov 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
Hmm . . .I wonder if part of this is your Mama Bear coming out? Are you feeling worried that your younger child will be neglected?

Yes, I think that's what was driving my anger - frustration that the other one was losing out because of it.

FWIW, since that day we've had no problems. I've started calling him over several times a day to ask for hugs and initiating more one-on-one play-time, cuddles, and tickling. I think he just needed attention and didn't yet feel safe for asking it, so he got it by acting out. At any rate, he is back to his sweet little self. He has even had a visit from his foster mom and been a-ok.

Part of it too was talking to other mom's and reading about attachment issues, and being reminded that his behaviour is normal toddler stuff, not indicative of some big problem I can't handle. It was just a matter of acceptance and patience and extra lovin', ever since then, no issues.


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