# 9 year old co sleeping



## cbmama (Jan 25, 2008)

Hi
Looking for some advice. I am mama to a 9 year old DD, and a 15mo old DD. I co sleep with the baby, and my husband sleeps with the 9 year old. Well, my DH tries to come back to our bed after 9 year old falls asleep. My 9 yearold will not leave the family bed. She does not want to sleep alone. My DH is bouncing back and forth between beds., and needs to sleep for work the next day. So, how do I get my oldest to leave the family bed. I thought that co sleeping children eventually want to sleep on their own, and like with bf, they wean themselves. Any ideas? My DH does not want a separate mattress on the floor next to our bed.
Stephanie


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## Deer Hunter (Sep 26, 2008)

Hi there,

Eventually, all children will leave the bed: but they do it on their own time. I'm not ashamed to say this but I've slept some nights with my mother even at the ages of eighteen and nineteen. This was because being that my dad was an actor, he'd leave the home for months at a time for long projects. My mom would feel lonely, and I hated it when my dad left. She wanted me to sleep with her, and I gladly took the invitation. Other than that, I slept alone. That was no issue, as I lived at aboarding school during my youth and only came home on weekends, and I was independent at an early age. It is just when those opportunities arose, this is what we did. But, I did sleep in my parents' bed a lot up until the age of ten. After ten years of age, I decided I did not need to do that anymore.

Have you considered that she may want the same attention the baby gets? It could be possible if the baby is your only other child. If she was an only child for awhile and used to getting all the attention from you guys, and along comes a baby, she may regress to wanting you again. It is common but will pass. Just give in. Not giving in could cause feelings of jealousy and hatred toward the baby. Believe me I know.

I can remember that I hated every time my mother had a new baby. I felt that she wouldn't love me as much. I can remember regressing during those times. Because I was an extremely jealous child who was clingy, my parents gave into me. They allowed me to do things so as to feel good. It did pass, as I'm now grown and not at all feeling that way. At the age of twenty-two, my mother almost had a baby but miscarried it. But during the pregnancy though, she came to me privately, even though I was on my own, and asked me if I was going to be troubled and upset about the new addition. I laughed and said, "No way, Mom. I'm well past that. I actually can't wait until the new baby comes. I'm excited!" She was startled, as she never expected such an answer to come out of my mouth, especially because she remembers the way I behaved in the past every time a new baby came along.

What I'm saying is that she will mature in due time. Give her all the attention and love she needs. You could even consider allowing her to take part in helping out with the baby. My mother did that with me, and it really worked. When I was helping and actually a part of things, I felt less jealous and happier about the new sibling.

Just some thoughts. I hope everything will work out. Don't worry, it will be okay. It will pass.


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## treehuggermama (Jan 3, 2007)

It always helps me to remember that I hate sleeping alone when dh is away on business so why should it be any different for a child? My almost 5 year old dd still co sleeps more often then not because as she says "I like to sleep in the middle". If it is affecting your intimate life maybe try some new places aside from the bedroom


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Every child does leave the family bed on their time. Two of my children co-sleep together in another bed. Maybe when the baby is a little bigger they can try co-sleeping together.

Could you put another bed near your bed like a sidecar? Then your DD could still co-sleep with you all.

Best wishes to you. Take care!

Jen


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
Every child does leave the family bed on their time. Two of my children co-sleep together in another bed. Maybe when the baby is a little bigger they can try co-sleeping together.

Could you put another bed near your bed like a sidecar? Then your DD could still co-sleep with you all.

Best wishes to you. Take care!

Jen

10 yo dd still sleeps in out bed often. We see no reason to stop it.


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## momofmine (Jan 8, 2007)

I hate to sleep alone and I am 36 years old!

Your 9 year old probably seems very big and mature compared to your new baby, but she is still a little girl. I mean, really, I am telling you, it goes by so fast, and 9 is still very young. Think about it, she could live to 120 with the lifespan increasing!

Seriously, though, I totally agree that your DD is just asking for love and attention. She needs something from you, closeness, assurance, and is asking for it in a wonderful way. I wouldn't for a moment worry about it. Let your DH sleep with her, or just bring a mattress in the room, or just get a king size bed and pile everyone in.

In most other cultures people sleep together. Sleeping alone, in your own bed, in a room all by yourself, is a very new thing in history.

She will tell you when she wants her own space if you meet her need now.


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## Banana731 (Aug 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momoftworedheads* 
Every child does leave the family bed on their time. Two of my children co-sleep together in another bed. Maybe when the baby is a little bigger they can try co-sleeping together.

Could you put another bed near your bed like a sidecar? Then your DD could still co-sleep with you all.

Best wishes to you. Take care!

Jen


that's what I was going to suggest. her own mattress in your room, near or next to your bed in some way. Or maybe start her off in her own room and leave it up to her whether she stays there or comes to join you, as long as she does so quietly?


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I have a child this age who still likes to co-sleep, although not on a nightly basis anymore. I don't know if this will ring true with you or not, but I find that this pre-adolescent age is really an emotional one. Days are busy for us, and I feel like my dd is looking to declare her independence in lots of different ways, mostly positive and appropriate, but not always! So when night roles around, this is when I find her reaching out to reconnect. She's pretty verbal about when she is actually feeling a "need" to be with me at night. I have a mental image that I am re-charging her batterey, lol. Morning comes and we're off to new independent adventures. So I guess I'm saying that it feels like it's more than just habit, that there is a real connection piece happening. At this point I am clear if what I feel is OK is some snuggling then back to her own room. That's been working for us too. I wonder if you get the same sense with your dd?


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## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

our kids are 9 and 7, and still co-sleep. we have a king size bed, and we all love to cuddle up together and go to bed. I would LOVE it if they would spontaneously get up in the middle of the night and move to a different bed to give me more space, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. I agree that kids do still need that physical connection, and I keep thinking that maybe if I really focus on giving lots of it during the day and upon waking and going to sleep, maybe they'll decide to move to their own beds, but honestly, I think we'd miss them. We have had phases when they did sleep mostly in their own beds, but then we moved and my dh wasn't home as much, and he missed them, so it was back to all of us together. we've just moved again (from canada to new zealand, nonetheless) and we're in hotels for a month, so this issue is front and center, as my dh and I have to each sleep with one kid in different rooms -- as much as I think it would be so much more convenient for them to sleep in their own beds, I remember being scared *literally* every single night of my life (not allowed to crawl in with parents) until I was about 22. I don't want that for my kids! so in our new house, we're putting two queen size beds together, and it will be heavenly to be able to all be together, with enough space!!!







:

and yes, we'll have another bed in the guest room for *coughing*, because while I do enjoy *coughing* on the kitchen table, in the bathroom, etc, a bed is far cozier, especially in the winter!


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## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

and oh my garsh, karne, yes, the emotions run HIGH with our 9 yo dd!!!








it really is like she's 2 again sometimes... actually, she was quite a pleasant 2 year old, but at 9 is suddenly the queen of melodrama!!!! I wasn't expecting this for another 2 or 3 years, but it does make co-sleeping all the sweeter, when they snuggle right up and either get really sweet or stop talking entirely!


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## widemouthedfrog (Mar 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tiffani* 
I remember being scared *literally* every single night of my life (not allowed to crawl in with parents) until I was about 22.

Absolutely - me too. I can't stand sleeping alone. Dh loves to sleep alone, so I don't know what I'll do if dd ever moves out. Probably get a dog.









I find sleeping with other people to be so natural, secure, and snuggly - except when I am getting kicked in the head.

Sorry, no practical solutions aside from the one your dh isn't too keen on - a mattress in the same room.


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## soposdedi (May 9, 2005)

Well, firstly i would like to gently submit (and with all loving support in my intention), that Dad's needs must be addressed too. I don't like the idea of him getting kicked out, but then that is my own perception.

Also on a practical note: Last year, when dd was 5 and we were transitioning to a VERY new and different way of life, she often wore my shirt that i had been wearing that day, to bed. The smell and the enveloping fabric was a comfort to her... i think she did that for about 6 months.

I would, genuninely, ask my 9 y.o. dd why she felt she needed to sleep with mom and dad at her age. Maybe something is troubling her? Also maybe there could be, like, a family cuddle before bed, to give her that lovely sense of family connectedness that she craves?


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## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

I think the reason why a 9 year old who has always slept with their parents will still need to sleep with their parents is because it is where they feel the safest, the most secure, and the most loved. If you've never tried to get your kid out of your bed, or tried to encourage them (some do this respectfully, some not so respectfully) to move to their own bed, then why would they ever choose to sleep elsewhere? some kids will see the "western world" standard in movies or on tv, or through friends at preschool/school, where the kids sleep alone, but really, until they hit puberty, why would they NOT want to sleep with mom and dad? I'm not willing to shame my kid (not saying this is what you're advocating at all, but this is how it feels to me whenever we begin the conversation) into thinking that they *shouldn't* be wanting to sleep with us, because why wouldn't they, unless they are feeling pressure from somewhere to grow up and move out of their parents bed? I want my kids to do what feels right for them in ALL areas of their lives, and that includes sleeping where they feel most comfortable. Certainly if it is creating problems for other family members, one would need to figure out a better arrangement, but there is almost always a solution that everyone will be happy with, if EVERYONE in the family feels safe and respected enough to come to a mutually agreeable solution. Like I said before, we're putting two queen beds together (and I do realize that not all bedrooms would accomodate this, but maybe restructuring the rooms might work? the kids won't have their own rooms in this house -- we'll have "the sleeping room" and then the rest of the rooms will have other specific functions, like "art/music/computer room" and "toy/book/games/desks" room, etc.

sometimes it's helpful to just forget what kids "should" be doing, and work from "what do we all really need here", with an open mind and creativity.

good luck!!


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## jmmom (Sep 11, 2007)

In college when home for vacations I would move my mattress in the middle of the night across the hall to be in the same room as my sister. Human beings weren't meant to sleep alone. Since she doesn't have a sibling her age that she can sleep with (at least, it didn't seem that way from your post), I 2nd the idea to get her her own bed in your room.


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## momma_c (Mar 23, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treehuggermama* 
It always helps me to remember that I hate sleeping alone when dh is away on business so why should it be any different for a child? My almost 5 year old dd still co sleeps more often then not because as she says "I like to sleep in the middle". If it is affecting your intimate life maybe try some new places aside from the bedroom

















that is how I see it too for our 4 yr old. She has had a hard time adjusting to the addition of her brother into our family as well and I think even trying to get her in her own bed would be horrible for her. I hate sleeping alone too..


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