# Sensitive toddler- Should I be enrolling him in daycare?



## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

Hi all. I need to find child care for my 2 y and 3 m old. I don't know what I was thinking, but I looked for daycares in the area, and found one that seemed half way decent, though there doesn't seem to be any that are great around where I live. I think I was trying to convince myself ds would be okay. But the fact is he's very sensitive and gets nervous around other kids. His favorite thing to say at the playground lately is "I don't like other kids." He stops in his tracks whenever another child even walks past him. He drops any toy he has in his hands if he thinks another child is after it. He won't let 2 seconds pass by without me holding his hands when we go to the mall play area.

He's been a lot better lately. He doesn't cry because another child walks between him and myself (that's it - just walks between us). A few kids brushed past him today without him freaking out like he usually does. But I think that's because I've always been there for him to reassure him. I had other thoughts today at the play area - maybe daycare will be good for him. Maybe if I'm not around, he'll be forced to socialize. But I've been reading through past posts about sensitive kids, and I'm really starting to regret my decision to start him in daycare. It would only be for two days a week, but maybe that's even to much for him.

I already put a deposit down, but have not started yet. I should just look for a baby sitter or someone who can give him more personal attention, right?


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## Yo Becca (Apr 17, 2005)

I don't have lots of insight into this, so I can't give great advice. But have you considered a compromise: a mother's morning out program, with a babysitter for any remaining time? My DD (13 months) is in a church-run (not one we attend) MMO prgram 3 days/wk from 9-1. SHe loves it and has learned so much neat stufff (new words, how to do itsy bitsy spider, etc.) that I haven't taught her. But, compared to "day care" it's a small class, more personal attention, it's attached to a day school, so it's more like school than baby sitting. There's only 1 woman who cares for her, so she really connects to her. And it's very affordable. I work as much as I can during those 3 days, and My MIL and SIL pick her up and keep her until I get off. But a babysitter could also be used to bridge the gap, and that might be more economical.

It sounds like your son either has witnessed or has experienced bullies. A smaller program or a babysitter could make sure that is prevented. Either way, I would talk to his care providers about his sensitivity.


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## jstar (Jul 22, 2004)

i think it is a good thing that you are considering 2 days a week. it will probably be good for him to build his confidence with other kids. he will be around the same group of kids all the time and get to know them (and the teachers). and he will still have plenty of days with you

my ds enjoys his daycare. he goes through periods where he cries when i drop him off but as soon as he is over the separation he enjoys himself. at least this is what his teachers tell me and i believe them. he's always very content when i go pick him up. and i think the socialization is good for him. the routine part of it is very good too. they eat and sleep on the same schedule and some kids really like that. i'm baffled they get my ds to go down for a nap at approximately the same time every day because i can't seem to do that! also (at our daycare) they do different activities like walks or painting.

separation anxiety is totally normal. it will be hard on you. i always make sure one of the teachers is holding my ds if he is crying when i leave. and the rest of the time (if he isn't crying) he gives me a hug and a good bye kiss and then heads off to grab a toy or join the snack. and that is how i really know he enjoys it there. it goes in phases. a week of crying a week of easy goodbyes.

i would try it out and give him a little while there and see if he thrives or if you think it really is not a good situation for him. give it a month or so. also i would make sure you know what their cancellation policy is so if you decide to pull him out you will know how much notice to give, etc.

good luck


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## 2GR8KIDS (Jan 17, 2005)

I think 2 days a week can be a really good thing for a sensitive child, if it's the right place. My sensitive 2-year-old dd has attended daycare 2 days a week since she was about 5 months old (I work part time, so that's why she started so young). We recently changed from one program to another, where she is much happier. Her first daycare was a very good program in many ways but the teachers in her room didn't seem very happy to be there, and I think sensitive kids pick up on this. Now that she is in a preschool that is more calm and where the teachers are content, she enjoys going much more. The interaction with other kids can be challenging but I think 2 days a week provides a good balance between developing social skills and still spending plenty of time in the more relaxing home environment. I would give it a try, and give it enough time for your son to get comfortable (it may take a couple months). Good luck!


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## Hollycrand (Apr 26, 2004)

I've just put my extremely sensitive 27 mo dd into a church-run 'mini club' which is two days a week, 9am in the morning to noon. Theere are about 12 kids, with 2 teachers and who are VERY attentive to all the kids.
They usually play for the first 2 hours, then clean up together and sing, dance and sometimes play musical instruments for the last 40 minutes or so.
I stayed with my dd for the first 2 times, then gradually went 'out' for 30 minutes, then 1 hour. Now she is so excited to go, and I can give her a kiss and leave right away.
I am very happy with the 2 days a week programme. I have two mornings where I can get some serious cleaning done (although right now I'm writing MDC posts instead of dusting, which is what I should be doing...), or some food shopping, or hzst have some time for me. I am 15 weeks pg, and love to have the time to also put my feet up if need be.
Dd also loves her time with other kids, but also appreciates being with me at home the other mornings.
I agree with 2GR8kids in that every child is different, and you need to give it some time to get comfortable in a new 'day care' situation, even if it is two days a week. He'll build up security and can gradually like being with the other kids.


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## lisalou (May 20, 2005)

I think it really depends on the daycare. Did you discuss your concerns with them? I would tell them exactly what you told us in terms of how he deals with other kids and then really listen to what they say. If you feel comfortable with it then by all means do not feel guilty. I think 2 days a week sounds good for him in the right environment.

DD is kind of an introvert at age 2. However, also, 2 years old is still a little early to be doing any more socialization than parallel play. I don't really see any of the other toddlers in her room playing together they're usually trying to tackle a teacher or they also gather around my husband when he reads dd "just one more book" before leaving daycare.

So if I were in your shoes, the main things I would be listening for are how they would help him not be scared of other kids his age and also to make sure they weren't going to try to force him to play with other kids. He could be the most outgoing kid in the world and chances are he would still not want to actually play with other kids at this age.


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## Dodo (Apr 10, 2002)

The caregivers at a good daycare will know that some of the children are extroverted and that some of them are introverted. They should accommodate all personality types (for instance, at my daughter's daycare, some of the shyer kids don't sit in the circle at circle time, but hover around the ages, where they are happier). Ultimately, they will probably encourage a less outgoing child to socialize a bit more and a more peer-dependent child to engage in independent play (for instance, my child tends to glue herself to one good friend, over the year she will be encouraged to do things on her own). You could ask what approach the daycare plans to use with your child.


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

Thanks so much for your replies. I called the daycare today, and told them I'm having second thoughts, and won't be able to get the registration fee back if I decide against it. But obviously I want to do the right thing.

I feel better about it after reading your posts. Thanks for all your suggestions.

I had ds in daycare for 2 days a week from when he was 6 months - 18 months, so I agree with what people had to say about the benefits of daycare. At the same time, I feel that part of his anxiety about other kids stem from the fact that he was run over by them at an age when he was not mobile enough to get away from them. He was at a very high quality montessori school daycare, so they had a very low student







cher ratio, but still, kids will be kids.

I took him out, but need to put him back in. And I like the idea of a daycare because other kids will be there. I think I will give it a try. Thanks.


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## jillmamma (Apr 11, 2005)

Have you considered an in-home licensed daycare provider? That way your ds could still get more individualized attention due to a smaller group, but still get to play and be with other kids. I do home daycare for 2 boys (age 3 and 19 months) besides my 2 kids and I feel it has really benefitted my son to have the others to play with, but still get his individual needs met in a smaller group.


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I'm tired. Hope this is worded o.k.

Simon is 18 months. He's also very sensitive, getting upset when another child is too close by, &c. I'm not going to force him into situations that make him unduly uncomfortable. I'm not going to make an issue out of it. He was very social when he was younger. I'm sure he'll be comfortable around other children in the future too. I can understand his hesitation. I'd be pretty scared too if I were his size and there were several unpredictable toddlers about who might paw at me or worse when I wasn't expecting it. I don't see him as necessarily having life long anxiety issues if I don't leave him behind to fend for himself (o.k., that's putting it really harshly...). I don't feel like I'm the problem. I don't know that there really is a problem, though his anxiety does make both him and me uncomfortable at times. It will pass. In the interim, we're going on playdates as usual, during which I try to help stave off situations that would cause him stress. We don't force our children down slides that they feel are too intimidating. We just wait until they are ready. I see this in the same way, though the child in question is socially uncomfortable rather than fearful in another way. If it isn't made into a big deal and the child is given a variety of pleasant opportunities for interacting with other children, s/he will learn to do so in her/his own time. I think that forcing the issue may work, but perhaps at a cost. Were I that child, I wouldn't want to be thrust into an environment that I find very, very scary WITH mom at my side, and then watch her leave me there. Just doesn't sound comfy or worth it to me. Reminds me of CIO. Cope with a situation that scares the crap out of you until you learn how to deal with it. (Not to say I think it's in the same league as CIO!)

I know I'm a dissenter here. I'm uncomfortable leaving Simon with anyone but dh until he is 100% comfortable with this, and even with dh I wouldn't leave Simon if the circumstance was such that Simon would find this very upsetting and would not recover over it very quickly. I feel even more strongly about this now that he has started to be so cautious and bothered by other toddlers (particularly those who are loud, in his face, and who he doesn't know).


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

ITA with Dal.


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

I appreciate your post Dal. I'm very much in agreement with how you choose to handle things with Simon. I try not to push ds, though I do encourage him when I feel there's opportunity for him to interact. I'm his comfort zone right now, and I'm not neurotic about it as though it's always going to be that way. I actually believe that indulging his clinginess is helping him to build a sense of security. Something I hope he takes into himself and is able to give to himself eventually.

Having said that, what if one needs child care? My choices are having a baby sitter come to my home, going to someone's in-home daycare, or going to a school-like daycare. I think the others' post recommend daycare in-home or in a school-like environment because it could potentially be a good opportunity to socialize and have good experiences with other children, especially since I'm fortunate enough to only need 2 days a week. I'm hoping I can still build my relationship with him while still offering him chances to build relationships with kids and adults other than myself. I will definitely look for alternatives if ds is truly not happy with daycare. But I think I need to try for my sake and ultimately his sake as I'm trying to take time to do things that will affect his future (i.e. finish my dissertation so that I can teach and be able to go to the office three days a week and have summers "off". I haven't been able to work while taking care of him).


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## hopeland (Oct 15, 2005)

Do you know what the class ratio is in the new daycare? I would make sure it is a low number. I would suggest you spend some time in the classroom before making a final decision and not neccesarily with your child. Go on a couple of different occasions and see how the teacher interacts with the children. Also you can check with the local licensing agency and ask to see the daycares inspection records...I know it was public record in Florida. One of the most important things is the childs individual teacher. There are good ones and bads ones in most daycares.


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

I agree. Teacher to student ratio and the individual teacher are key. The school itself has to be well structured, but all the day to day things are done through the teacher, so she/he is key. I know that ds in his first daycare bonded with certain caretakers, without whom he would not eat or sleep. He really ascribed them a mother's role. Another key factor is the turn-over rate. One of ds' caretakers in his first daycare left only a month or two after he started. He was fine, but one of his 7 or 8 month old peers was never the same. She went from being "mellow" to high-strung over night. But this was a girl who was the first one in and the last one out everyday. I think she relied much more on the caretaker than some of the other kids. But it's so bad for the kids when you have revolving caretakers whom they don't feel familiar enough to bond with.


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## AnditheBee (Oct 3, 2003)

I agree with those who have said it depends on the daycare, the teacher-to-child ratio and such. Make sure their attitudes are supportive of your attitudes.

Beyond that, I would also suggest some patience in letting him adjust. It may take him a few weeks to really adapt to being there--but that doesn't mean that he won't adapt and enjoy himself in time. And yes, if you can stay with him for a while at first, or do short "visits" before you have to leave him there, that will probably help the transition as well.


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I'm working on my dissertation too. Er, supposed to be. It's hard, isn't it! (no need for a question mark there).

Sorry I kind of by-passed your question. I like the idea of a very low ratio. A similar alternative is a nanny who will take him to social activities, if there are any in your area. Or, perhaps a nanny who has a child about his age? That way he could still get the more intimate care while also gaining more social experience. You might start out with a nanny-type situation and then re-evaluate, especially if the day-care requires a lengthy financial commitment. It also depends, of course, on the type of day care centres that are available and how appealing your son finds them, aside from the issue of interacting with other children. If one of the centres is very large and has tonnes to do, e.g., he may be fairly comfortable since it will be easier for him to keep his distance from the others and to avoid conflicts with them.

Best wishes for you and your ds in whatever you choose.

Sorry if I'm missing things or the points I'm making have already been made. I'm in space cadet mode.


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## Mommay (Jul 29, 2004)

Yeah, it's hard. Thus the child care. Plus now I'm single, and I'm so motivated to get it done so that I can secure my and ds' future.

A nanny is expensive and I don't know how the heck to check for their trustworthiness. I feel like at least in a daycare there are some checks. And they're expensive as far as I know.


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