# A sad loss and the end of having babies. I am struggling and need to find peace.



## celestialdreamer (Nov 18, 2004)

I have not posted on MDC in years, but I just really needed a place to get this out. We have 5 beautiful children, 1 girl and 4 boys in a row, the youngest being 18 months. I had made peace with being done with our babymaking days when #5 was born because my husband really felt it was a good number for us. I struggled with it because it has been a part of my life for the past decade, but eventually I was okay with it. We've been actively preventing, but somehow I got pregnant. We were shocked to say the least, but quickly the shock turned into excitement. We quickly figured out all the logistics of adding in #6 and were even tossing around names and talking about the birth we would want. We knew we would have some stupid comments from some family members, but we were just really happy with the news anyway. We had an unplanned unassisted and DH caught our last and it was so special, we were really looking forward to him catching this baby too. I had not been sick at all which was really unusual for me, but I thought maybe I just got lucky and I'd have an easy pregnancy because that is probably what I'd need being a homeschooling mama to 5. Then I started bleeding heavily, bright red, right at 6 weeks. And terrible contraction like cramps. It was quite obvious it was over, only just a few weeks after the journey had begun.

Physically I'm okay I guess. I am still bleeding and I had really terrible cramping and passed little bits of tissue, so I think it was probably most of it since it was early. But emotionally, I am struggling so badly. This loss would be so much easier to take if I knew that there would eventually be a new baby to add to the family, not that it would replace the one that I lost. I had felt that little spirit clinging to me for awhile and had kept having the sensation that "someone was missing" when I'd make sure all my children were accounted for when we were out. I kept trying to ignore it before I got pregnant, but I just knew somehow. The night before I started bleeding I had a dream of a beautiful little girl that looked just like our dd did when she was tiny, except with darker hair like mine and her Daddy's blue eyes. Her name was Clara, which is a name I had never considered but absolutely just felt right. I felt that baby's spirit so close to me in the dream. Now I'm just alone, just me in this body. She is gone.

My husband is processing, but differently than I am. At first he tried to say he was just relieved, but then it sunk in and he's grieving in his own way. I know we will not be trying for another baby, it just wouldn't be the right thing to do with a lot of our life circumstances and I know my husband still needs us to be "done". It would be extremely unfair of me to pressure him on it even if I wanted another, and I know that. I feel it in my soul that this is it and the grief of this loss is just making me feel like my insides have been scooped out. I'm so empty and sad. I know it is still fresh and that it was just an early loss thank goodness, but I want my baby back so badly. I know I can't ever have that. I don't want this to be how this story ends. I am so grateful this experience has shown me that I have such loving support from a few close friends and my mother and my husband, but even with that I am so incredibly alone. I had no idea it would be like this. How do I move on from here? How do I make peace?


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## jgallagher66 (Jun 7, 2011)

I'm so sorry. I don't have any answers but I wanted to let you know that. I have 5 kids too. I had 2 first trimester losses between my first and second and my second and third so it's not the same. I hope peace and healing for you and your husband.


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

I am so, so, so incredibly sorry for your loss. That's such a difficult position to be in and I don't know how I would handle it. I do understand what you mean about the spiritual connection you had with your baby; amazing stuff isn't it? Give yourself all the time, space, and extra loving you need to. A loss is ice cold, no matter the stage. I sincerely hope you're able to find the peace you're looking for and that your healing is smooth and swift. Much love to you and yours...


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## allisonrose (Oct 22, 2004)

A loss is really hard no matter the circumstances. I can relate to the unplanned part: my loss was of an unplanned pregnancy. I've had this feeling of why were we given this little soul just to have it ripped away? My story differs in that we are open to another baby someday and will consider TTC in the future.

And for as feeling alone, I think only mamas who have experienced a loss totally get what it is like to go through this. My family is being really great about the loss but they don't really get it.


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## celestialdreamer (Nov 18, 2004)

Thank you for the kind words. I realized that I was amplifying the grief of this loss by wrapping it up on in the complete loss of any future children, and not sharing how I felt with my husband. I was so completely afraid that if I even started that conversation that I would just lose it when I heard answers that were not what I was hoping to hear. I am blessed with a man that is truly my best friend in the entire world and to not share how badly I am struggling with him was just too much. I decided that I needed to have that conversation as hard as it was to be able to process and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. My husband had just figured we were back to square one, done and fine with it like we were before, even if we are sad this baby left us. I explained that while I was in that place before, there is just no way I can be there now after losing this baby. I felt like I was going to shatter in a million pieces when he first said that word..."done". I wanted this baby and loved it with every fiber of my being, just like the rest of my children, no matter how unexpected. As much as I want *that* baby back, I desperately need the hope that maybe that soul will come back to us in a future pregnancy, or maybe another child that is meant to be. I just need the door open, even if I never walk through it.

There had been so many things about this experience that had made it feel "meant to be" before the loss, that just make it that much harder to cope afterwards - my 4 year old son repeatedly asking (before I knew I was pregnant!) who had a baby in their tummy...my dear friend dreaming that I was pregnant before I knew, the fact that we conceived at all despite the odds. This baby's spirit was obviously quite strong to have even those around me take notice. I am so missing that presence right now and longing for it to come back. My husband is a very sensitive and loving man and despite him still wanting to be "done", he understands now where I am coming from and we have agreed to take the 'done' discussion off the table for now. I don't know if we will come to agreement to decide to let another child join our family, but we both agreed that whatever is meant to be will happen and we won't make a decision either way until we are both absolutely on the same page. We both felt like after discussing it that it really could go in either direction eventually. I truly feel like whatever is meant to happen we will both be in the same place at some point. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders after that discussion. I still feel so raw and broken that I am no longer pregnant, but I at least feel like I can grieve this loss in this moment without worrying about the future.


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

That's wonderful that you and your DH were able to have that much needed conversation celestialdreamer. I'm glad you've found a little peace in this process.


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## olive&pimiento (May 15, 2006)

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am experiencing some of the same emotions. I have had 3 miscarriages in the past year, the last one at 10 weeks. We have 3 children and I am 41. I believe my childbearing years may be over and it grieves me more than I could have imagined. I have always wanted four children, my husband as well. And i so wanted at least one more try at a sister for dd. My dh and I went through years of infertility and so began our family late. What is getting me through is the faith of knowing that another child is always a possibility, however that child may come into our lives. Maybe we can adopt a year or two down the road. Perhaps we will be blessed with a miracle. Maybe a string of wonderful foreign exchange students. Who knows? There was a point in my life that I thought we would never have children and know I endlessly chase small wonders.


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## 1babysmom (May 22, 2006)

Oh mama, I am so sorry for your pain.

Loss absolutely changes things. Our first losses were one of the main reasons we decided we didn't want to take fertility into our own hands. Then our last 5 consecutive losses over 12 months time confirmed that we absolutely cannot bring ourselves to prevent more babies. It was a hard place because the way the last one ended left me feeling unsure if I'd ever physically be ABLE to have more, and that was so scary because but my heart could absolutely not be okay with being "done" despite my body seeming to be working against me. (which seems to be opposite of how society thinks it should be responded to) I am with you that I can't imagine going on without the door at least remaining open. I'm so glad you were able to have a good conversation with your DH about it. That really makes a world of a difference.


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## LLQ1011 (Mar 28, 2012)

I am so sorry.


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## mattie426 (Jan 19, 2013)

I am sorry for your loss, and I am so glad you were able to talk with your DH about your feelings, and that he was understanding.


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## SunandRain (Mar 8, 2013)

We have 4 boys and after an unexpected chemical pregnancy last summer, DH and I realized there was one more baby meant for us. We tried and failed for some months, and then the miracle happened in January. We were so excited, but I knew deep down it was our last shot. I will be 41 on my EDD. I'd been having signs of premenopause since the birth of our fourth son 2 years ago. And then I just miscarried. Knowing the probability of a rainbow is small to nonexistent sure does not make it easier. So you are sure not alone.


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