# Super-Baby's "Birth" Story



## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

_I should be 13wk3d with our second baby now (Super-Baby). The day I was 12wk, I started spotting. This is my "birth story." It is long, but it's well-organized too._

*Thursday at ER - at 12wk1d*

Last Wed and Thurs I spent the days with L and P (wife and husband) while dh was at work. I'd been having bad enough heart rhythm problems that we didn't want me left alone.
Wed night I was spotting a little right before bed. I was actually peeing for the last time before bed when we (yeah really - we were both staring at it) found pink on the tp. I instantly burst into tears, but my sister bled for like 3weeks and is holding her baby now. So we were trying to believe that's all it was.

Thursday afternoon, I was suddenly spotting a lot more. L was gone with some of the kids. P took me to the ER. Dh met us there while I was in triage. I ended up with a very freaky VE by the male doc that was on call, and a transvag ultrasound that dh wasn't allowed to be there for. The lady that did the u/s hardly spoke but it was really obvious by her face and the OW factor that she couldn't find what she was looking for. I spent the next hour in the ER not telling dh what I suspected about the u/s for fear I was wrong. I knew if I freaked him out, I'd really freak out too. By evening, my hcg counts were normal but the ultrasound showed Super-Baby measuring 6wk and 5d. I was at 12wk1d. That night, instead of crying, I went into shock - the whole heart racing, white-lipped, shivering thing. That's happened twice more but it's been a few days.

We went from the ER back to L and P's, where a lot of my stuff still was. Our church group had been there while we were at the ER. It was 11:30 when we got there, but 2 others from Group were still there waiting. The 6 of us sat in a little circle talking quietly for a while. They were evil and made us both eat something before we left after midnight.

*Waiting to Miscarry*

The next few days were stuffed full of panic attacks and going into shock while we really just sat at home waiting for my body to do something.

We were praying for a miracle (I know of atleast one person that stayed up Thurs night to pray infact) but also knew I might miscarry any minute.

*Labor*

When dh needed to be at the office Monday, and nothing had happened, he took me to C's apt for the day (single girlfriend from the church group). C was a doula for a friend before - it's an important detail. Sure enough, around noon I was having contractions.

During the morning, we put on super-silly movies and C kept me tucked in on 
the couch cozied into blankets and with blankets stuffed behind my increasingly sore back. As the morning wore on, she got me changed into some of her yoga pants and helped me figure out how to move and breath through the contractions. We were closing the mini-blinds and dimming the lights, trying to bite the ear off dh's teddy bear - ya know, useful stuff.

Eventually I felt like I had to poo and we slowly got to the bathroom, stopping twice for contractions. A few minutes later, there was nothing there and I'd also discovered trying to push poo really hurts when you're already contracting. I opened the door and as C walked up to me, I sunk to the floor with another contraction. Things got pretty intense then. I was stuck on the floor in the little hallway, hardly getting a break between the contractions.

It was during this time that C was holding a straw to my lips with juice and 
stuck a big spoonful of honey in my mouth. That part's funny. I made all kinds of faces and pretty much forgot about that particular contraction. Gross.

This is also the time when C realized why I'd thought I had to poo. I went 
ahead and started pushing with every few contractions here and ya know, I don't know how to tell you what that felt like. Kinda felt like barfing, but that's not my mouth. Sooo.

*The Bathroom Floor Part - "Birth"*

This had all started around noon. About 4-5 C and I were both on the 
bathroom floor. At some point, pushing in the hallway, something big came out and I was scared it was the baby. I told C and we got into the bathroom where I suddenly got nakey from the waist down. Didn't even think about it. That "big thing" was stuck. I pulled it out, getting blood all over my hands which didn't get washed off until Thurs night when we got 
home. (It was just placenta.)

The contractions started coming right on top each other at that point. I 
wouldn't have known it wasn't a solid one except that sometimes the pain would suddenly get even worse than what I was already feeling. I guess I was feeling the peaks and not feeling them taper back off. I don't remember much at all of that hour.

I remember being GLUED to the bathroom floor. I remember that I was feeling it mostly in my abdomen but almost as much in my back. I remember saying 
"C" several times and "God" once. There was a peak that suddenly landed my face on the floor inches from my bloody underwear and socks. I 
remember C grabbing it away for me.

I remember laying on my back with my knees pulled up, one flopped left against the tub and one flopped right against the toilet. Laying like that, I tried to "walk up" the heater a few times during the peaks. It didn't work.

I remember clutching the bath towel I was laying on in my fists and C softly coaxing me to focus on the texture of the towel. I was pulling on it hard just under my chin.

At some point, I started dry heaving and C MADE me get up for fear I'd choke. Sure enough, a few more peaks and I was throwing up. Two landed on the floor before C could get the toilet opened. It was about 6 inches too far in front of me, and I couldn't move. But most of what came out landed in the toilet. It was totally just the pain.

The only memory out of that time period that I can still _feel_ was a few seconds I spent laying on my side with my head in C's lap. I can still feel the warmth and softness on my face and arm. In those few seconds, I felt asleep. Tremendous pain but resting. It was wonderful.

C was talking to me the whole time. Always quiet and calm and nurturing. I 
specifically remember her saying "This is your birth." It was so validating. I 
think I was whimpering right then. All my memories of "the bathroom floor time" are foggy. But I clearly remember how gentle C was with me.

That whole time, I remember making all manner of noise. Every breath was a groan of some fashion. I know a few times I actually made a "I'm gonna kill someone" face and roared.

Eventually, I thought I'd pass out. C called the ambulance (while I was 
moaning inches from the phone - I can't imagine what that 911 recording would sound like). When she hung up, I was on the toilet, feeling very much like I had to poo again. I had my head rammed into C's lap as she sat facing me on the edge of the tub. I didn't have the strength to sit up and I was trying to keep blood in my head too. I actually pushed the baby out then. I remember telling C and she saying, "Yeah, I heard that." I pulled my face out of her lap and sunk to the floor while she pulled it out of the toilet. It was a full palm's worth of placenta, that best we could tell, had what was left of a body hooked onto it. I truly can't remember what it looked like. My eyes 
wouldn't focus at that point. In fact, I was seeing stars the rest of the night.

*Ambulance*

The contractions stopped as soon as that happened, but we went to the ER anyway because I was so weak. The ambulance crew was 2 women (thank God). I was sitting on the floor with a bath towel over my lap when they came in. They helped me get dressed - C's yoga pants with a big pad stuck straight into them. They set the stretcher up like a chair to get me down the apt stairs. I was covered with a blanket and strapped in. It was a white blanket and I remember thinking it looked like a straight jacket. C put her 
house shoes on me.

As they carried me down the stairs, I said I'd always wondered how 
they got stretchers down stairs (really had). The lady at my feet, after a pause, said they usually just throw people over the banister but I looked nice. I laughed so she carried on about how it usually doesn't hurt people too much anyway when it's not a far drop.







Only true comedy in the whole story. I appreciate that she provided it. Oh, that reminds me. I totally farted in C's face while on the floor. I didn't understand at the time why she was laughing, but suddenly that strikes me as hilarious.

We'd thought ahead and had an ER bag ready to go. We also had the newborn t-shirt that T (from church group) had given me. C wrapped Super-baby in it and put it all in a ziploc. She had him in her purse while at the ER and then in her freezer. She brought the strange package over here Fri and now he's in our freezer.

Dh's trying to make arrangements. Most likely cremation. C's helping us contact a funeral home.

I got an IV for fluid in the ambulance. I vaguely remember the lady laying my hand in her own as she put it in. C rode in the ambulance too. 
*
ER after Labor/Birth*

At the ER, dh joined us. 
I'll never forget the nurse that was assigned to me. It was so weird. The guy was girl-level compassionate. I stared at him for the longest time as he talked to us, not understanding why I felt so relaxed around him. As soon as he walked out the door, I turned my head toward C, "He's got a red beard!" (Dh has a red beard.)

I got morphine in the ER. It wasn't my belly that hurt so bad. My feet started cramping as I lay there and at that point I could NOT take any more pain. J (nurse) tried to warn me what the morphine would feel like by asking if I'd ever been drunk. The conversation continued something like this:
C: They don't drink.
J: You don't drink...
Me: It smells like rubbing alcohol.
J: It smells like...uh, what kind of music do you listen to?
Me: I don't.
J: (laughing now) I don't suppose you've ever been high.
Me: No.
J: You're ruining all my examples! Uh, You're gonna feel WEEEIRD.
Me: Ok.
Everybody (C, dh, and the nurse) but me was laughing by this point. Though I must admit it's funny now.

I remember being very out of it at one point, suddenly gasping dh's nickname and trying to writhe my way across the bed to him. Someone was putting 
meds into the IV. WHICH STINGS BY THE WAY. Dh took my hand in one of his and covered my face with the other one. The guy with the med (who's presence I hadn't even noticed till then) was quietly saying, "It's not going to hurt you." C was saying something similar. And Dh was saying something about my pulse jumping to 120. (My resting pulse was already in the 90's.) It was adavan - go figure (like vallium). Somewhere in there I also found out C knows a lot of lullabies.

I also remember hearing a toddler crying on the other side of the door and thinking it was my baby. I was so out of it. The entire hospital stay I kept going back and forth between panic, crying, and glazed-over shock.

Also during the ER time, I got a stupid transvag ultrasound and a VE from, once again, a male doc. (A woman did the u/s.) Dh wasn't "allowed" to be with me for the u/s - more like pushed aside really. And it hurt. I knew my uterus would be sore, but turns out, so was my EVERYTHING. Having the wand pushed into my cervix made me start cramping some again - which worse than anything, scared me. Thank heavens I was already on the morphine and adavan. Dh did hold me during the VE.

Several people commented on how alert I was while dopped up. With morphine, especially including adavan, most people would flat be OUT. I was more like groggy. The adrenaline level I had going on must've been insane. It took 4 days for my heart rate to get down to normal.

At the ER, they tested my white blood cell count. It was at 24 and the healthy range only goes up to 10. The OB on call wanted to do a D and C and keep me overnight. (To which I replied by growling, "WHY?!") We called the midwife for a less-freakish opinion and even she said I really needed it. Sooo...

*Going to Room*

We got to a room about 2:30. Dh had blankets on the floor by 3 and I think that's about when I konked out. It's suddenly striking me as rather amazing that I was able to talk, yell at the doc, and spend a few minutes nesting (giving orders to dh on how to arrange things) in that room WHILE dopped up, awake 5 hours past my usual bedtime, and having gotten in the exercise of my life that afternoon. My word, I was spazzy.

*D and C*

Tuesday afternoon. I remember being wheeled somewhere with dh's teddy bear on me (he'd been on me for a long time by then). Dh was walking near me. I remember the staff trying to take Teddy away and dh standing up for me. It was the OB who vetoed the rules and left Teddy on me. Atleast he was nice.

(Somewhere before this we arranged with the anesthesiologist for me to not have muscle relaxers. Not sure what I actually did get though.)

So I remember someone sticking a hair net on me. And I remember something stingy going into my IV and a woman's voice asking if I was sleepy. I 
was totally confused, said no, and she asked if I was sure I wasn't sleepy. Then I woke up (sorta). I remember thinking the oxygen mask smelled like plastic. Then I remember seeing dh in the hallway as they took me back to the room.

Once in the room, I realized I magically had on some version of hospital underwear and was sore. That was REALLY freaky to just wake up dressed differently and not have any idea how (technically) I'd gotten from A to B. I'm STILL freaked that I spent an hour unconscious, and somehow 
during that time I was naked with my legs apart. GAG!

*Day after D and C*

All Wednesday we thought I must be getting strep. Turned out, they'd put a tube down my throat during the D and C and didn't bother to let us know. Otherwise, I just remember the usual FREAKING OUT that I've gotten so much experience with now.

They intended to send us home Wednesday night, but dh and I both fought it. I was so weak and sore. After a heinous IV event Thursday morning, I was very ready to stumble out anyway. (I got a fresh dose of antibiotic that made all my fingers burn then started climbing up my arm.) We got home Thursday afternoon. I rode home with the seat reclined back and a pillow under my head.

I think it was Wednesday that just dh and I were in the room. I was totally 
losing it again. With a blank face, I was telling him I was supposed to be 13 weeks that day... "But I'm empty where's Super-baby what happened to Super-baby I don't understand where's my babeee..." Dh asked if I remembered what happened Thursday night. I just stared at him. "Holly, tell me what happened Thursday." Which led to me making the kind of faces that give you a headache and explaining Thurs night as, "No no no no no no...." Lord, this week has sucked.

*General Hosp Stay Stuff, and Getting Home*

What I remember from the hospital is pretty sketchy. Shoot, everything's sketchy since the ER Thursday night. I'm stunned. I keep having anxiety attacks. I stayed on morphine until Wed morning, and actually came home with an adavan script. I had IV fluids and antibiotics the whole time I was there.

The midwife, who we never even signed papers with, has been on the phone with us a lot the whole week. And I have an appt with her in 2 weeks just to make sure I'm ok.

C stayed with us a lot and took care of our pets, making runs back and 
forth to our apt for us. Two other friends are doing a bunch of cooking, and have been here watching me while dh does things like go to Walgreens.

I'll be in bed atleast a few more days. Dh has all next week off work. Btw, he 
slept on the floor by me at the hospital and jumped up every time someone would come in the room. All hail dh.

Though now that I think about it, I did try to beat him senseless with a water bottle at one point 'cause he didn't jump up fast enough. Imagine what that musta looked like to the person that came in the room!









Gosh, and that's just the physical side of the story.

*Now*

At this point, I'm doing more normal post-partum stuff. Turns out, you have to re-learn to pee and poo. It feels SO different. And though I'm not actually engorged, my boobs got hard and sore. I'm still spotting and sore. And doing the whole anxiety attack/ shock/ balling my eyes out thing. Though I've also been able to laugh some today (Fri).

Our church and dh's office sent flowers.

We're working on Super-baby's name. I already wear his sister's name on a bracelet, so his will be added somehow eventually.

Anyway, I'm out of the August DDC and back in the loss forums. I'll be around.

"We held his body yesterday." thread:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...1#post10469861


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

omg- I am so so so sorry you had to go through that. It is nice to hear that you have such a good support system though.


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## somanyjoys (Mar 14, 2006)

Oh, my stomach is in my throat reading your birth story. I am so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful friend you have in "C" to be with you through all that. You'll never forget it all. Be thankful you've written it down. Thank you for sharing. Again, so sorry.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Wow. There aren't really any words. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and I'm very very sorry.


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## TayTaysMama (Oct 16, 2007)

I am sorry for your loss. I was in the Aug DDC with you and I feel so lost not going to there 1st anymore.

I wish I had words to make it better. If you want to talk at all I am here.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

It's really too bad that I end up crying too much to read the story straight through. I feel wrong about skimming and laughing because you've got a fantastic sense of how to present the few humorous parts of what happened. (And you must have a killer sense of humor to have had an awareness of how funny those were while you were so distraught.)

If ever there were a woman with strength of spirit to raise a dozen children--you are that woman.

If it's against your beliefs, please ignore this next bit. Basically, I believe that the spirit of your child is with God waiting for another chance to come to you.

I believe that God is responsible for trying to give us the spirit of a child to raise, but leaves the creation of the body for that spirit to our own bodies. And if something goes wrong with the creation of the body, God gathers the spirit in to keep it safe until the next time there's a chance at a body. So, I believe that the next time you get pregnant, the child you create will be the same child. Because God wants that child to have a chance at life and wants you and your dh to be the parents.


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## Mamatolea (Jan 17, 2007)




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## zoie2013 (Mar 31, 2007)

Thank you so much for sharing your birth story. I'm sorry for your loss and everything you are going through. We'll miss you in the August ddc. I'll see you in the PAL still and I'll be thinking of you and your family and friends. Sending healing thoughts your way.

another







for superbaby

I also believe what Sapphire has to say and believe that this baby is waiting to rejoin you when the time is right.


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## joshs_girl (Dec 8, 2006)

Oh Holly, sweet, sweet girl, you know we love you and your darling precious babies and we're here for you when you want us.

much love,
kati


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## Olerica (Nov 19, 2007)

Sweetheart, I'm so so sorry about your loss. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Big, huge hugs to you.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Holly,

I am so sorry about superbaby. I am praying for you. You know where we are to comfort you through this.

Take care!


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## Three~Little~Birds (Jan 10, 2005)

Oh, Holly.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing the birth story. It made me cry to read it, but I was glad that I did.
No one whould have to go through any loss once, let alone twice. I am sorry that you are headed over to the loss forums again, but as you know, there are such wonderful women over there.
We will miss you here in the Aug DDC. You contributed a lot.
I am glad that you have such a wonderful husband and friends.
Take care of yourself. Peace and love to you and Super-baby.


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## labortrials (Aug 7, 2007)

s Holly. You are so strong, it's amazing. I can't believe all you've been through. You're in my thoughts!


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## rockingmybabe (Dec 7, 2007)

Oh Holly, words are inadequate...

I too have often thought that the spirits of babies lost await in heaven for another chance to come to you somehow....


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## happylemon (Nov 5, 2006)

I am so sorry


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## Bella Catalina (Aug 19, 2006)

Holly, I am so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing superbaby's birth. So many of us from August have lost our little ones


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## TattooedMommy (Aug 11, 2006)

Thanks for sharing. Your story is very similiar to a loss I had in 2005. Your story made me feel a lot less alone.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TattooedMommy* 
Thanks for sharing. Your story is very similiar to a loss I had in 2005. Your story made me feel a lot less alone.

That may mean your story makes me feel less alone too. Would you share what stands out to you?


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## homebirthing (Nov 10, 2002)

I am so sorry for the loss of your amazing Superbaby. I will keep your family in my prayers.


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## Awaken (Oct 10, 2004)

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing it with us. Take care.


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## cagnew (Oct 1, 2007)

I am so sad for you. Thank you for sharing your story, I know how hard writing about it must have been.


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## punkrawkmama27 (Aug 31, 2007)

YOu went through so much. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Holly







I am glad you haven't given up.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zonapellucida* 
Holly







I am glad you haven't given up.

This really strikes a chord Zona. I have serious depression, fear, and hopelessness. At some point, most days, I really do want to just give up.

I can't find a single purpose for living except that my dh needs me. But that doesn't feel like a "big enough" reason to stay.

Thanks Everyone.


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## zoie2013 (Mar 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrayinFor12* 
This really strikes a chord Zona. I have serious depression, fear, and hopelessness. At some point, most days, I really do want to just give up.

I can't find a single purpose for living except that my dh needs me. But that doesn't feel like a "big enough" reason to stay.

Thanks Everyone.

Holly,








I felt this way, too (still do, some days) For awhile, I stayed alive only to give milk to ds and that just didn't seem like enough of a reason to me (although ds thinks otherwise) Other than that, the best I could do (and some days, I still need this) was to breathe and say, "Just This" Just this breath. That's all I need to do. Don't think about anything else. I just need to get through this one instant and breathe. It can help when everything gets to be too much.

I've said this before, too, and I really believe it. We're still here and we're still moms to our babies. We need to learn how to be their moms without them here and it's harder than anything. You'll be with your babies again and staying here to be their mom is what they need from you now.

Don't hesitate about getting support, too. My dh called my therapist, who badgered me until I went in to see her. It helped immensely just to talk and cry with her. She had a loss, too, and it really helped to know she understood. She told me that she thinks about her daughter everyday. When I asked, she was honest and said that dealing with losing your babies doesn't get better, but it does get "different."


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## mommyem (Jan 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 









It's really too bad that I end up crying too much to read the story straight through. I feel wrong about skimming and laughing because you've got a fantastic sense of how to present the few humorous parts of what happened. (And you must have a killer sense of humor to have had an awareness of how funny those were while you were so distraught.)

If ever there were a woman with strength of spirit to raise a dozen children--you are that woman.

If it's against your beliefs, please ignore this next bit. Basically, I believe that the spirit of your child is with God waiting for another chance to come to you.

I believe that God is responsible for trying to give us the spirit of a child to raise, but leaves the creation of the body for that spirit to our own bodies. And if something goes wrong with the creation of the body, God gathers the spirit in to keep it safe until the next time there's a chance at a body. So, I believe that the next time you get pregnant, the child you create will be the same child. Because God wants that child to have a chance at life and wants you and your dh to be the parents.

Before each of my two children, I miscarried. I believe that the only reason I don't continue to suffer from the loss of those two pregnancies is because the same spirits are here with me in my children. Reading your story made tears stream down my face because I haven't thought about my own painful memories in so long. I'm sure that seems unbelievable right now but I just want you to know its possible to heal. I wish you peace and hope.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zoie2013* 
Holly,








I felt this way, too (still do, some days) For awhile, I stayed alive only to give milk to ds and that just didn't seem like enough of a reason to me (although ds thinks otherwise) Other than that, the best I could do (and some days, I still need this) was to breathe and say, "Just This" Just this breath. That's all I need to do. Don't think about anything else. I just need to get through this one instant and breathe. It can help when everything gets to be too much.

I've said this before, too, and I really believe it. We're still here and we're still moms to our babies. We need to learn how to be their moms without them here and it's harder than anything. You'll be with your babies again and staying here to be their mom is what they need from you now.

Don't hesitate about getting support, too. My dh called my therapist, who badgered me until I went in to see her. It helped immensely just to talk and cry with her. She had a loss, too, and it really helped to know she understood. She told me that she thinks about her daughter everyday. When I asked, she was honest and said that dealing with losing your babies doesn't get better, but it does get "different."










Zoie, you tear-jerker you, you get it don't you? God, it's hard. Do you really think they need us to stay here?


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## AKA_PI (Oct 16, 2007)

Holly, your story is amazing and I truly admire you for all that you went through and even moreso, the courage to share it with everyone. Love ya lots and I'm praying for you.


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## forsythia (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AKA_PI* 
Holly, your story is amazing and I truly admire you for all that you went through and even moreso, the courage to share it with everyone. Love ya lots and I'm praying for you.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *zoie2013* 
Holly,








I felt this way, too (still do, some days) For awhile, I stayed alive only to give milk to ds and that just didn't seem like enough of a reason to me (although ds thinks otherwise) Other than that, the best I could do (and some days, I still need this) was to breathe and say, "Just This" Just this breath. That's all I need to do. Don't think about anything else. I just need to get through this one instant and breathe. It can help when everything gets to be too much.

I've said this before, too, and I really believe it. We're still here and we're still moms to our babies. We need to learn how to be their moms without them here and it's harder than anything. You'll be with your babies again and staying here to be their mom is what they need from you now.

Don't hesitate about getting support, too. My dh called my therapist, who badgered me until I went in to see her. It helped immensely just to talk and cry with her. She had a loss, too, and it really helped to know she understood. She told me that she thinks about her daughter everyday. When I asked, she was honest and said that dealing with losing your babies doesn't get better, but it does get "different."










I love what you ladies posted...

Holly~ There is sooo much love and support for you. I found that sharing about my loss was very healing for me. You have sooo much strength!
I wish you and your husband the best and I think of you often...


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