# toddler aggression towards baby



## LiLStar (Jul 7, 2006)

dd is nearly 3 and ds is 7 months. I know she loves him and is glad he is in our family. She loves to hug him (though he might not enjoy her hugs as much, at least they are in the spirit of love!) play games, help hold his hands out of his poop during diaper changes, give him toys, and says he's cute!

But just as often... (if not MORE often).. snatches toys away from him, (even if its not something she is interested in or wants to play with) petty things like pulling his thumb out of his mouth, pushes him down, hits, kicks, and sometimes even whacks him over the head with hard toys. Its getting progressively and rapidly worse.

I have no idea how to react to this. As for triggers.. hmm.. sometimes its out of the blue. Like, just because he's THERE. They're playing great, both happy, then she shoves him down. I've seen her sitting on the couch, and ds pulls up top cruise, and barely looking at him or even changing expression, her foot just flies out and shoves him down, as though she's swatting a mosquito or something. Sometimes its very obviously because she's trying to get dh and I upset (like when she shoves him and one of us comforts the baby while the other moves her to another part of the room.. and she *immediately* runs back to do it again. And even like, this morning, playing with new christmas presents, lots of adults around so there is no lack of attention for either kid (which means extra hands available for the baby, and more of my and dh's attention available to dd) we're all on the floor, not distracted by anything (so if she's trying to get my attention/reaction.. she already HAS it, ya know?) there she was... hitting him on the head with hard plastic toys.

My normal reaction is a time out.. which I fully expect, in this forum, to be told it doesn't work. And you're right. At best its punitive redirection because she'll just start playing with her toys in her room and I'll come back in a couple minutes and she's playing great, and is happy to see me to show me what she started playing. At worst, she gets angry and just wants to get "revenge" and pees (or worst, poops!) on the floor. Which I don't react to, just get a towel and pretend it didn't happen. But I just have no earthly idea the right thing to do when she does this. My gut reaction is MAMA BEAR! Someone just HURT my BABY! And I feel horrible when I see her being cruel to him. I think about her blissful babyhood as a firstborn without having to put up with anyone bullying her, and how unfair it is that his babyhood can't be as peaceful. He's the easiest baby in the world, will be happily chewing on a teether or something, minding his own business, then the next thing he knows his head is colliding with the floor or some piece of furniture/toy. Just not fair. What do I do?


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## katzee (Jun 20, 2007)

I am right there with you - our 3 yo DD has been snatching toys, scratching palms, and whacking baby sister (3 months old) on the head. Most of the time we are right there and can deflect her, but sometimes she does hit her and makes the baby cry.

We talk about how that's not OK, sometimes send her to her room, try to lavish attention on the baby who is hurt rather than focusing on her. Once big sister was upset and really seemed to get it that she hurt the baby and promised never to do it again but that went out the window and she is back to her old tricks.

Hoping the experienced mamas have some good advice ...


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## Heidi74 (Jan 21, 2009)

No answers, but I will be watching this thread closely for ideas. My DS1 is a bit younger--28 months, but we are having the same problems. DS2 is 5 months old, and most of the time, DS1 is such a great big brother...but then, suddenly, out of the blue he can start hitting him. Thankfully, he hasn't tried hitting him with toys (yet), but just the other evening I heard the baby crying desperately from his co-sleeper, and rushed into our bedroom to find DS1 (who had woken up and wandered into our bedroom) slapping DS2 in the face, repeatedly! I literally cried. Poor little baby, sleeping peacefully and suddenly being attacked out of the blue!!!

I'm not sure what to do, but am definitely looking for ideas. I try to minimize the chances of DS1 attacking his brother...I wear the baby a lot, and keep them on separate sides of a baby gate when I can't watch them closely, but it happens so quickly and unexpectedly that I can't prevent every single attack. Like I said, most of the time he is wonderful, and I want them to be able to interact...but I always have to be on guard.


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## woodchick (Jan 5, 2007)

Our girls are just short of 3 years apart. For the most part they get along pretty well. We do get the occassional shove or grab, though.

As much as I might want to, I never send DD1 away in the heat of the moment. I make sure to lavish attention on DD2 while DD1 is right there. Then we talk about how the action was hurtful or wrong.

Some things that have worked for us:

*positive modeling: DD1 has shown us that she needs concrete examples of how to interact with her sister. So DH or I will sit down with them and say something like "DD1, here is DD2's piano. Can you show her how to press the buttons? Then you can accompany her on the maracas" or "Oh look! Little sister wants to read with you. Let's point out all the dogs on this page". This has worked much better than "please play nicely/gently" which was what we started with. It just wasn't specific enough.

*Talking through things: "DD1, Were you mad that sister was sitting in front of you? You hit her because you were mad. That was hurtful. What can you do next time if you get mad? (move away, ask her to move...)

*plenty of supervision. Our 3yo just doesn't have the impulse control that I would like her to.

*plenty of "safe" toys: I really try to keep DD1's 'big girl' toys up and away for times when little sister is asleep. That way there are plenty of safe toys for them to play with together.

*lots of together time with Mama and Papa: We all cuddle on the bed or play games on the floor. Both girls see us modeling gentle and loving touches with each other.


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## arilynnsmom (Apr 3, 2008)

We're having the same sort of issue. Our daughter is 23 months old and our son is 7 months old. She will hug him, give him toys, smile at him and play nicely with him, and then for no obvious reason she will attack him out of the blue. She does the obvious stuff, like going over and trying to hit him when she wants attention or when she's angry, but the random attacks are confusing to us.

Being with family for the holidays, they got to witness our little angel first hand, and no one has any good advice for how to handle her temper. She throws fits, attacks, bites, and in general just terrorizes her brother and all the adults she can get her hands/teeth on. We've tried talking with her, sending her away, ignoring, and all manner of redirecting. My husband even bit her once when she bit him and said "bitting hurts baby." She laughed about it and bit him again.

She used to be so sweet and loving all the time. Nothing we've tried has curbed or dissuaded her behavior, and it has been going on since before our second baby was born, seven months ago!!!

Someone, please help! Any suggestions or advice would be much appreciated.


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## LiLStar (Jul 7, 2006)

Something else I wonder.. if for no other reason than to give me hope for the future, ha, is this mostly a problem going from 1 kid to 2? Because the older child is going from being an only to sharing attention with a sibling. Do toddlers do this as badly going from 2-3, or 3-4? Is the transition any easier because the kids are already used to having a sibling? I would love a couple more kids, but I would *not* love to go through this stage again


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## mommy22boys (Dec 23, 2009)

I don't have any advice different than what other have already posted. But just wanted to say I had no idea how common this is! Before my second baby was born, I had no idea that the older siblings actually get this jealous and hit and stuff. Anytime I asked other moms about how the older child handled having a new baby they always just said it was great, no jealousy, nothing. So it's nice to know that my DS isn't the only one acting like this towards his baby brother... I was really worried about this at first, thought I didn't prepare him enough or something... but now I know it's normal!


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## arilynnsmom (Apr 3, 2008)

I agree with you that it really is reassuring to hear other people with almost the exact same story as ours. All of our friends and family members were saying things like "We've never seen anything like it," and "That doesn't seem normal..." Which made us feel great, as I'm sure you can understand.

Hearing that at least a few people are going through the same sort of thing is reassuring, even if we don't find a "solution," per se. We were really worried that we'd 'spoiled' our daughter, or done something really wrong to make her so angry... I guess it is just a part of going from one baby to two when they're close together!









I'm also curious, like the previous poster, as to whether or not this is something we'll deal with again when we have a third baby. Probably waiting at least two or three years before having baby number three, so I'm guessing it won't be an issue. Anyone experience this going from two children to three, or three to four?


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## unschoolinmom (Dec 23, 2009)

My children are 17 months apart. I did not have much to worry about except for the very FIRST time. When my dd was brought to the Maternity ward after ds was born, she looked at him while my mother held her and then slapped him in the face. I was in the bed so could not react, but my mother ended up slapping dd which infuriated both dh and I as she was only 17 months old.

She cried as did my ds and so I ended up nursing them both and explaining to her that when she hit it made boo boos on the baby. She nodded and it never happened again.

They're older now and they have their moments, but they always make up and in two years, we've been preparing them with the fact that there will be more baby brothers and sisters so we'll see how that goes.

Good luck mama!


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## LianneM (May 26, 2004)

Mine are 3.5 years apart and I recently posted about our experience - here

It was much harder than I expected. My kids adore each other, and it's better now than it has been yet now that she is 18mo. Still, they have their moments, and I believe my son's behavior is directly related to the amount of connection he feels with me. When I make sure his cup is filled (and some days it takes more than other days) he is amazing, well-behaved, nice to her, etc. When I don't prioritize that, we all suffer for it.

I really don't think (for this) it matters so much how far apart they are, after reading lots of experiences and talking to a bunch of moms about it. You'd think it'd be easier for kids who are more mature, more verbal, etc. but the bottom line is they ALL have SERIOUS NEEDS that must be met, and a new sibling seems to pose a threat to that. Most kids seem to go through it, in some way, and it's really just an unconscious reaction to the major changes of becoming a sibling. I don't know about going to 3 or 4, etc.


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## Hallielynn01 (Sep 18, 2007)

Glad to see this thread! We have the same problem. It seems to have gotten worse over the past few months. DD1 is almost 3 and DD2 is almost 1. Is it the age thing? Everyone told me 3 is worse than 2 and 2 was pretty easy, but some days I wish I wasn't even a mom its so bad. She can be so nasty towards everyone and has, hurt her sister pretty bad on occassion, unprovoked. Other times she's the sweetest most thoughtful big sister... sigh..... this stage brings out all the parts of me as a mother I wish I could get rid of.


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## mama2mattchey (Aug 13, 2009)

My 2.5 yr old DS sometimes lightly kicks 4 month old DD. Mostly, he is just way too hands on and it stresses us out. Like he will lie right on top of her. A lot of the time I am getting frustrated too much. I am hoping showing him how to share with the baby will help more. He is mostly showing some jealousy issues. He's been climbing ALL OVER ME this week. Mostly because we hold the baby a lot right now as she loves to be sitting up. We have lots of baby equipment, but she needs to be held and not in the bumbo all day, you know? lol. It's a huge challenge sometimes.


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## Addy's Mom (Nov 20, 2009)

I don't have two kids, but I have an almost 3 year old with the same tendency to bite, pinch, or hit other kids, including much younger ones. What's worked for me is lavishing an outrageous amount of attention on the "victim," including getting ice packs and bandaids and lots of hugs and fawning over him/her. And depending on my son's response this, I either completely ignore him or draw him in to helping with the "first aid" to the victim. After doing this about 3 times, he's completely stopped.

This approach was after months of telling my son that it's not nice to hurt people, he shouldn't bite or pinch, and modeling appropriate touches for him. He "knows" what he's supposed to do. He just needed something extra to drive the point home.


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## Super_mommy (Nov 13, 2009)

Don't anger her by taking sides.

Since your DD is the older one. Speak to her & try to explain that that her brother is her responsibility...


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