# Told not to have anymore babies.



## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

I don't know where this belongs, so I chose this forum. If it's not right, move me.

My first pregnancy was really rough. I threw up all the time, ruptured my ear drum, and had pre-eclampsia starting at 22 weeks. I ended up being induced and given an emergency C-section at 33 weeks, because my liver was failing and my blood pressure was through the roof.

So I was scared to get pregnant again, but I wanted another baby, and I've been feeling that way for a while. DH and I went to see an OBGYN last month and she had me do a number of tests, CT scans for my kidneys, cardiologist consultations, etc. I just saw a high risk OB who is one of the world's experts on preeclampsia apparently last week.

What they've found is that my last pregnancy damaged my heart and now my tricuspid valve leaks. It's not an issue, except if I get pregnant again... the high risk OB said that I have a 50% chance of dying during the babies delivery - and that's IF I make it to the delivery, which he said didn't seem likely. And all the cardiologist tests back him up.

So... I guess I just needed to say it. It looks like Toby is my only child. I feel bad because I wanted him to have another sibling. I feel bad because I wanted another baby to hold and cuddle and snuggle and raise. Mostly I just wanted our family to feel...complete? I don't know. I just feel bad that Toby won't have a brother or sister.

I can't adopt/foster... so I guess we are done. I hadn't ever expected to be told at age 22 that pregnancy is fatal for me, but here we are.

I kind of feel like a failure. I couldn't even have one normal pregnancy or delivery. My husband didn't even get to see his only child be born because of the C-section.

I'm just bummed.

Goodbye, potential baby Jonah Gabriel David / Alexandria Kristine. I'm sorry.


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## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

I'm really sorry. Those are great names. That must be so hard to accept.

I'm glad you have your little guy and that he has a healthy mother...


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

That is hard. I am so sorry.


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## 2boyzmama (Jun 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
I can't adopt/foster... so I guess we are done.

May I suggest that you visit the foster/adoption forum and lurk for a while, or perhaps post your thoughts/fears about fostering or adopting? It still might not be the answer for you, but you may find you're more open to it than you think you are.








s mama! I'm so sorry you're being faced with this!


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm really sorry.. that is so hard.


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## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

Krisis, I'm so sorry.

Do you say you can't adopt/foster because of your age? (I know for intl. adoptions the minimum age is often 25) If that's the case, if in a few years, you still want a sibling for your baby you can reconsider.

I'm so terribly sorry.


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

wow, can't imagine the emotions you're going through. i'm sorry. peace to you and your family.


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## millefleur (Nov 25, 2008)

Oh mama that sounds so hard. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad little Toby has his healthy mama and you have your little Toby.

You are *not* a failure, and you have every right to grieve for what you have lost.

Many hugs to you.


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## Marlet (Sep 9, 2004)

What about the possibility of a surrogate? I don't know what your thoughts are on that.

So sorry. I'm the same age as you and I'm not sure what I would do if I was told it wasn't a good idea anymore.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## notjustmamie (Mar 7, 2007)

I am also trying to deal with the idea that DD may be an only child. I'm still not sure what to think.

Is there any possibility that the reasons you have for not fostering/adopting may change? Would you be open to the idea of a surrogate? Are there any treatments for your heart condition which may increase the likelihood that you could carry a child to term?

Blessings to you, mama, as you deal with these difficult circumstances.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

I'm so sorry Mamma. Your son is beautiful and still young. Take some time to process this and examine your options.


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

We have also been told not to have anymore and I know it's devastating. It is a grief and it takes awhile to process. 16 months after having my youngest it has gotten a little easier. We do hope to grow our family in the future through adoption if at all possible.

Give yourself time to grieve. I know it's hard!!!


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Thanks for your replies mamas. 2009 has been a rough year for me so far!!

I have considered adoption.. but I am adopted myself and honestly, it's been nothing but trouble for me. After I was adopted my parents had two kids of their own and I know they feel like our parents love me more than them and I feel the exact opposite.

Honestly, I'm kind of a crappy mom to my own kid. I can't imagine adopting and being an even crappier mom. I think that having one is probably the best for us, but it's still sad and hard, especially because everyone expects us to have another baby... everyone in our families, in our friends circles, and especially in our church/society because we're Mormon


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## Aliviasmom (Jul 24, 2006)

I'm so sorry Kris!

~~~~

Have you thought at all about surrogacy?


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## Stayseeliz (Jul 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
Thanks for your replies mamas. 2009 has been a rough year for me so far!!

I have considered adoption.. but I am adopted myself and honestly, it's been nothing but trouble for me. After I was adopted my parents had two kids of their own and I know they feel like our parents love me more than them and I feel the exact opposite.

Honestly, I'm kind of a crappy mom to my own kid. I can't imagine adopting and being an even crappier mom. I think that having one is probably the best for us, but it's still sad and hard, especially because everyone expects us to have another baby... everyone in our families, in our friends circles, and especially in our church/society because we're Mormon









I've had to deal with the "why aren't you having more kids?" questions too. I have lots of friends with 4+ kids. And honestly I wanted at least 4. But I've come to the realization that we have to do what is best for OUR family. It's not best for my children to be without a mother. So even if other people don't understand it we stand firm in our decision. It is YOUR life. You do what you feel is best for your entire family!


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## notjustmamie (Mar 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Krisis* 
Honestly, I'm kind of a crappy mom to my own kid. I can't imagine adopting and being an even crappier mom.

I wanted to respond to this. I'm not sure if you are simply trying to be ironic by suggesting you're not a very good mom or if you truly believe this about yourself. If it is the latter, I highly recommend you seek some help--whether it be psychological counseling, parenting classes, a mentoring relationship with an older/more experienced mom or any combination of the above.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I'm so sorry.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

Have you not thought that perhaps the fact that you are adopted would actually make you a better mother to an adopted child than anyone else? My mum was adopted and it never bothered her (she feels as though she was chosen by her parents), but her adopted brother didn't feel the same.

Anyone who has love to give to a child cannot be a bad parent. All children need is someone to love and care for them, and you seem so full of emotions for not being able to have another child you must be such a warm loving person.

Your heart condition is awful, especially at your age, but you're so young and medicine advances so quickly. In 10 years time there may be a solution for you. That's a long time in medicine but yet you're still young enough to wait and have another.


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## HeatherHeather (Jan 7, 2004)

I'd get a second opinion.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

:


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

I saw this on new posts. I'm so sorry.







s


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## Sasharna (Nov 19, 2008)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's an incredible struggle for a woman of any age to be told it would be dangerous to have more children... but it must feel so strange to be so young and have this knowledge.









I hope you will seek another opinion, if the heart issue is what was presented to you as the deciding factor. I have a leaky tricuspid valve also and am pregnant with my second child right now. I can't say that I am entirely happy with my cardiologist, but he does not believe that I am at any risk during pregnancy because of the valve problem.


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

PM'd you Sasharna









Surrogacy isn't really an option... I'm still thinking about adoption though. Fazer6 made a good point and it's definitely something for me to chew on for a while.

At least Toby is a really good baby, so even if we don't adopt I can feel like I did it right the first time? Or something









I'll be seeing my normal OB next week to talk about options. We've gotten 4 doctors to weigh in on the pregnancy matter so we're pretty sure it's not an option in the slightest.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

You are NOT a failure. Sending hugs your way, mama.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

****At least Toby is a really good baby, so even if we don't adopt I can feel like I did it right the first time? Or something***

absolutely mama! he's such a gorgeous little guy as well


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I agree with those who suggested getting another opinion.

I was diagnosed with tricuspid and pulmonary insufficiency 3 years ago, though I/doctors suspect I've had it for longer, including during my pregnancy with my son who was born in 2002.

I'm not sure of the severity of yours, but mine is mild and I was told that this is actually pretty common and can be a "normal" finding in many people.

We lost our baby at 17 weeks in Dec08 and there were no issues with my heart then, at least not that I'm aware of. Even so, I think I will see a cardiologist before TTC again to be on the safe side.

Anyway, *hugs* to you, I wish you the best.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

knowing (or deciding) not to have more children IS grief. a whole new and different kind of grief. one that is harder on me than pushing out a dead baby. get any help you may need. please. SO tough.

hugs.


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