# How to help Fathers over come being jealous of Breastfeeding



## KSD (Apr 30, 2008)

I'm father who became jealous of my DW and DD very intimate connection, it made it difficult in our marriage. I'm not a first time father; but my ex-W didn't breast feed either of our two, and I never thought it would be an issue. It wasn't as if DW was ignoring me or my needs, I am still not sure why the issue became a problem, but now I feel fine with it. I'm even a defender of her right to keep breastfeeding until our DD is ready to be weaned on her own or when my DW thinks it is time. I've come to an understanding within myself, they are her breast, they feed our DD best, and my wife and I are closer than ever when we cuddle on the love seat while she feeds our DD.

Has anyone else had an issue with a jealous partner? How would you suggest helping them through this?


----------



## dancebaraka (Dec 14, 2006)

I voted for no- very supportive. I am hardly imagine him being jealous.. I think I would likely feel very intolerant and angry with regards to jealousy over breastfeeding. It would likely risk our relationship. So honestly I don't know how I would handle a situation like this- these are just guesses.

I would request that dh see a therapist probably. Or I would request space from dh.

That's just me and I am grateful to be with a man whom jealousy over nursing is totally a non-issue.


----------



## chirp (Feb 9, 2008)

Sometimes I get a very negative connotation from the word jealous...so rather than saying my partner is jealous, I'd say he rather feels like he doesn't have any bonding-outlet for himself.

It's weird, because he like you he is totally supportive. I've tried to tell him that he can sit close with us when I breastfeed, so that the baby can look at him and smell him too. But I think he feels weird about it. He wants something of his own with the baby. I really feel for him on this. It breaks my heart to see him give up bonding with the baby sometimes. I know he'll get over it once baby is a little more responsive (he's only two weeks old), but he's trying so hard and all baby cares about is sleeping and eating, and eating of course, is m my territory for now.

At this stage I am seeking advice for my husband but I can give one little piece and that's to make sure that however they bond its on dp's terms. I guess what I mean by this is that my husband and I interact with our baby differently. I just try to let him be him. This way he doesn't feel that the ways he does bond with baby are inadequate. (Even though i feel like goofing around with a baby I just nursed to sleep is ANNOYING! Perhaps when he gets to bottle feed every once in a while he'll feel my pain and stop doing that.) For now though, I don't say anything, because that's how he gets to know our LO. It's what makes him feel good.


----------



## krystyn33 (May 30, 2006)

My DH, as a first time dad, felt more confident taking care of me so I could take care of DS in the early days--I needed a lot of help, especially after a c-section. I don't know that he ever felt jealous, but I know he would have liked to have the sure-fire tool for calming DS at his own disposal at times.

As for ways to help a dad through that--just fostering open, positive communication between parents. Some dads might feel better knowing the specifics of why BFing is the better than formula. Getting to the bottom of what fears are involved--what needs are needing to be addressed on the part of dad would be key--like if dad was afraid of being shut-out--addressing that and looking at ways he is in fact essential.

(Great to see a dad on there BTW!!!







)


----------



## chirp (Feb 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *krystyn33* 
My DH, as a first time dad, felt more confident taking care of me so I could take care of DS in the early days--I needed a lot of help, especially after a c-section.

true dat!

in fact, this has only been an issue for like the last 2 days or so, when i've been feeling pretty on the mend! I guess he feels like his integral role was kind of lost...poor honey. (I posted about this on LWAB, dh is pretty upset that he's "not bonding" with baby as well as i am.)


----------



## lexbeach (Mar 6, 2002)

My partner was not at all jealous of my ability to breastfeed our babies, but it's slightly different in our situation since she's a woman and I was happy for her to try breastfeeding as well (she let one baby latch on for about 10 seconds and that was enough for her!).

I have worked with couples who struggle with this issue, though. I usually point out that there is very little about the breastfeeding "bonding" experience that can't be emulated in other ways. So, when the non-breastfeeding partner is feeling jealous or left-out, I encourage him/her to spend lots of time holding the baby skin-to-skin, bathing with the baby, and wearing the baby in a sling. In couples where this becomes a really big deal, sometimes the non-breastfeeding parent become the only one who can do some of those things with the baby, so that each parent has a job that is his/hers alone.

Lex


----------



## suzywan (Feb 5, 2004)

My SO is jealous insofar as he would like to have that special bonding time, but he is also very supportive.

You (and he) will have to be creative in your bonding "rituals". And soon, you will be able to nurture through food too - many men claim to be jealous of the breastfeeding, but when the child is old enough to eat solids, they act all put out when the have to prepare a meal. I don't get that.


----------



## LindsayK (Jul 16, 2007)

I don't think DH was ever jealous of the bonding time that DD and I had while breastfeeding, but he very clearly carved out bathtime as "Daddy's" even before DD was born. So, while I was allowed to help with bathtime, I was his assistant, and did set up, and clean up. I think this helped DH a lot since we both had our own bonding times


----------



## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

I really don't see how this could be an issue unless DW is possessive of the baby in other ways as well.

I plan on giving the baby to DH for a significant portion of his time at home, mostly so I can cook dinner and shower myself. During that time DH will probably give EBM from a bottle.

If DW cannot relinquish the baby to anyone for any amount of time then SHE needs to go to therapy (or at least get out of the house some!).


----------



## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

Nope.


----------



## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

DH isn't jealous of the actual nursing but I know he feels bad that Ive been having him sleep in the guestbed or with ds since dd was born. He's just such a heavy sleeper that it makes me nervous.

Other than that I know that he is concerned that the BFing isn't allowing me to get enough rest. He tries to take dd all the time and tells me to take a nap but she doesnt do well without mama.


----------



## mommabird (May 2, 2008)

My DH is jealous not of my ability to feed Aran but that he gets 100% of my attention. This is mostly because of our BF relationship. I imagine if we bottle fed exclusively that Aran and I wouldn't be quite as much of a unit.

I think DH misses our alone time terribly. My attention used to be focused on him and I think he feels a little neglected. I spend most of my time parked on the couch or bed with Aran on my boob.

I think to avoid jealousy partners have to make time to give their 100% attention to each other.

I'm confident that DH can separate the sexual and nutritional functions of my breasts, but he clearly misses his access to them. I really have no idea how to help him with that.


----------



## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Dang, I can't imagine going through all the stress of new motherhood, the difficulties of getting started breastfeeding (it was difficult for me) and on top of that, dealing with a husband jealous of me doing something women are naturally made to do. I'm sorry, but that strikes me as terribly immature.

I guess if I were ever unfortunate enough to be in that situation, I would ask him to get some therapy if he couldn't get over it. Or make sure there was some aspect of infant care that he could be solely responsible for, himself. Like, he could do 100% of the diaper changing! What a wonderful opportunity to bond with the baby that would be!


----------



## Twinklefae (Dec 13, 2006)

DF wasn't jealous of breastfeeding (in fact he was very supportive) but he was FRUSTRATED that he couldn't soothe LO as easily, especially when he was brand new. It really made him mad when DS would cry for him if I was in the bathroom or something, and it made him feel useless to a certain degree.

He started feeling better, because he was the "bath man". (DF likes comic books....







) I have bathed DS probably less than 5 times in his life and he got a bath every day for the first 4 months. The fact that I didn't know 'how' to do the bath (I know how to give a general bath, but I don't know all the steps that DF and DS do together) made him feel much better.


----------



## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

DH has never felt that way, ever. I think it helps that DD is a total daddy's girl, and sometimes I feel like the only thing she wants me for is the num nums. I think at first DH thought that any breastfeeding past a year was weird. Now he sees how much our two and a half year old still needs it and he defends extended breastfeeding when his coworkers make nasty comments about it. I also think he was upset by how difficult it was for me at the beginning (due to tongue tie I had extreme nipple damage and used to scream in pain at latch on, he had to leave the room). After we made it through those first difficult months, he sees the benefits we have had from sticking to it.

I guess if a dad were having an issue with it, I would suggest that he bond in other ways. Diaper changes, bath time, reading time, cuddling, singing, etc. My DH is great about giving me a break with these things and I think it is why he and DD are so well bonded. Oh, and of course when the time came for solids, he was all excited to be able to help with that!


----------



## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

With my 3yo, my dh started asking at 4mo whether she can go on a bottle so she "would be a daddy's girl". I told him to get over himself. He became and still is fully supportive of bf and has no issues anymore. Just b/c baby bfs doesn't mean you can't bond other ways.


----------



## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
Dang, I can't imagine going through all the stress of new motherhood, the difficulties of getting started breastfeeding (it was difficult for me) and on top of that, dealing with a husband jealous of me doing something women are naturally made to do. I'm sorry, but that strikes me as terribly immature.

I guess if I were ever unfortunate enough to be in that situation, I would ask him to get some therapy if he couldn't get over it. Or make sure there was some aspect of infant care that he could be solely responsible for, himself. Like, he could do 100% of the diaper changing! What a wonderful opportunity to bond with the baby that would be!

This.


----------



## aprilv (Aug 31, 2007)

dh does feel bad sometimes when ds only wants me, say if he hurt himself. i think this is probably a mom thing, though and not a breastfeeding thing?

anyway, dh is very logical and for him, the scientific evidence that shows how great breastfeeding is is too much to ignore. and he sees how important it is to ds- he wants ds to feel safe and happy and breastfeeding does that for him.
dh also attended a breastfeeding class with me prenatally. i think that helped him to be able to visualize and understand breastfeeding in a more concrete way.

my advice to help a father deal with jealousy would be to help him understand the benefits his child and wife are receiving from breastfeeding (also for the dad- my husband did NOT mind sleeping through all the night feedings). also, i would point out all the great things he is doing for the family- maybe he makes the child laugh, maybe he brought home dinner, maybe he works to provide money, whatever.


----------



## MilkTrance (Jul 21, 2007)

I think that if the partner has his own support network of other Dads who are in the same, or have been in the same, position, it's easier. DH is one of MANY Dads in our social circle whose wives breastfeed or have brestfed. 2/4 of his brothers were breastfed. Pretty much his entire family does it. So it's a lot easier for him. There are some UAVs at his work, however, who make comments. But he sees it as an opportunity to educate them -- they are from the generation where certain classes just didn't BF.


----------

