# I feel like I've lost him all over again



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

While checking my morning emails, I felt something under my shirt. Little particles of something... I pulled some out, thought Gwen must have somehow got some candy in there, and threw it on the floor.. i'll vacuum later, right? I go into the kitchen to make a call, and feel more of this stuff under my shirt, between my tank bra and shirt.. I lift up my shirt and out falls all of this stuff.. I'm puzzled - for a second.. then I see Dresden's urn is missing from my necklace! His ashes are all over the kitchen floor! I feel okay, but rush around looking for the urn part, hoping it's not shattered somewhere in our bed, it's not there.. it's under my shirt still (baby and boobs hold it in place) it's totally empty, I start to freak out, call Shaun at work and can barely talk - I get out that Dresden's necklace broke and his ashes are on the floor, I was crying so hard I couln't breathe. Shaun got me calmed down a bit, but as soon as we hung up, I lost it again, screaming out! I don't even remember screaming when he died.. then I had to go back by the computer and search the floor for my dead sons ashes, and then to the kitchen, adding each little piece back into the cobalt blue urn. I've been wearing him since 3 days after he died, everywhere but the shower, and now my necklace is broken. Shaun says he can fix it, but what if he can't? I feel sick... I couldn't protect him then, and I can't even protect him now!


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## MJ13 (Jun 10, 2007)

I am so sorry


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Not being in control is one of the hardest parts of losing a child - protecting a child seems like the most basic of parental duties and instincts.

I'm so sorry your necklace broke. I hope Shaun can fix it.

Thinking of you.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh honey I am so sorry *ENORMOUS, huge, embracing hugs* I feel so, so sad for you mama - gosh I hope Shaun can fix it. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

Oh no I am so so sorry. I hope you can fix it.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Just wanted to send you a







I hope you can fix your necklace. I'm sorry


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I get it .. I really do.

I had a locket with a tiny photo of my son that I wore constantly to help soothe myself. One day, three months later... it's missing. I've looked everywhere and I'm crying buckets and shaking as if he just died that minute.

I'm so sorry your necklace broke. I've never seen an urn on a necklace like you are describing. I'm certain it was disconcerting and unnerving to have it break like that.

Hugs to you... feel better soon.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

You are a good mama & your love is so strong.


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## Seedlings (Dec 20, 2007)

I am so sorry. How terrible that your necklace broke. I am crying that Dresden's ashes spilled and I too would be picking everyone of them up. I hope Shaun can fix it.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

I'm so sorry.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I saw this on your blog, too. I am so very sorry. I just can't imagine. I'm glad they will be sending you a new one, though it doesn't change those horrible moments. *hugs*


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a bit better now, though still shaky and on the verge of tears at every little thing. The urn place is sending a new one, which doesn't really 'fix' the problem, but we all know the only true fix is having our babies with us! So until I get the new one, I can wear one of the extras we filled (a silver bullet looking one, like Shaun wears), so he's still with me, that relaxes me a tad.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Oh mama....yes...we hold on tight. The night we came home after finding out we had lost pregnancy I couldn't find the purple ducky we bought for our baby on easter....Our ferret had hidden it deep inside the couch...I started ransacking everything in hysterics and screaming "I HAVE TO FIND IT!!!" when I finally discovered where it had been hidden I melted into sobbing on the floor while my other children stroked my back and hair. I noticed it has an open seam this morning from being held so tightly every night...and I lost it. It is my holdable connection to my twins...who I can not hold. I hope you were able to find most of the ashes....I am so sorry....We hold so tightly, and yet...we cannot bring back what is lost. Hugs mama...you are not to blame. It's not your fault that your baby is gone. You are a good, loving mother. There is no doubt.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

Shannon - I tried to reply to your PM, but it says your inbox is full.

*hugs* I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I hope your new necklace arrives soon!


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

I am so sorry your necklace broke! I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I hope your new necklace arrives soon.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry, that must have been so awful for you. I hope your new necklace arrives soon.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

My heart just aches reading this. I am so sorry.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

omg, my heart breaks for you. i'm so sorry about your necklace.

i understand about needing that little bit of control. i have matthew's 2 hats on my headboard and i sleep with them at night and rub them during the day when i need to. i sometimes wake up at night and if i can't find one of the hats, i freak out and grab the flashlight and tear the bed apart looking for it.

sometimes i wonder, WHY am i freaking out about this thing? it's my baby i want! but we've lost so much, haven't we? i think it's perfectly natural to try so hard to hold on to something, anything that makes us feel closer to them.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Shannon,

I tried to post last night but the computer ate my reply. I am so very, very sorry this has happened. I completely understand why you would be feeling teary and shaky all over again. Gentle ((((HUGS))) mama.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

i'm sorry shannon. i can't imagine. i was blowdrying my hair 2 months after we lost jos and the blower was too close to my neck and the necklace broke in half. it fell on the carpet and i just felt weird, like i HAD to go to the store and buy another chain RIGHT AWAY. i wanted her close to me. it's not the same as what happened to you, i'm so sorry it broke







s


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

Awww thanks everyone! I love you all!







Where could any of us get better support than right here!


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Oh Shannon. I'm so sorry, mama. I so understand.














I feared that the most when I was looking at urn necklaces.


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## amberchap (Jan 14, 2007)

I'm sorry that had to be heartbreaking to deal with. I'm glad at least they will send you a new one.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Oh nooooo!!!! I actually cried reading your post, for pete's sake! We have so little of our babies, that losing any part is such a BIG thing









I'm glad you're getting another... HUGS.


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