# I’m so angry – I should have CIO



## CariS (Jul 2, 2005)

I'm writing through tears. I shouldn't even post. I just don't know what to do. I'm living a nightmare. My dd's 22 months old and I'm 8 months pregnant.

I just got the crap beat out of me again by a 30 pound toddler trying to get her to nap. She was screaming and I had to physically keep her from leaving the bed. It's pretty much been like this for naps for months now. I couldn't take it emotionally for a while so I'd schedule my day so that we'd be in the car for her naps. I would have liked to be home and napping myself.

I didn't CIO with her because I just couldn't. I feel like it's my job as a mother to attend to my baby. I couldn't do it. She's always nursed A LOT and throughout the night. I finally had enough when she was 15 months old (I didn't know yet I was pregnant which I guess had something to do with it). So that's when this all started - the crying/screaming and physical fighting me.

I think my tears are mostly about me not wanting to hurt my dd. I don't want her to ever cry but this HAS to be as traumatic for her as it is for me. Plus I have such a strong feeling of helplessness and being alone. My husbands of no help, I have no family to speak of, and none of the other moms I know have experienced anything like this. I also feel like I've failed and if I can't do this how am I going to parent her for all the things to come?

I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking how everyone said, "just let her cry for 3 nights and it'll be over." 3 nights compared to this nightmare. She IS crying it out - just in my arms, screaming, hitting, kicking, all while I'm huge and pregnant with sharp pains down my back. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I really hope I'm the only one dealing with this.


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## 425lisamarie (Mar 4, 2005)

It may be very helpful to not force her to try to sleep. I dont' have muich time right now, but I've been there. DS was 23 months when DD was born and 2 weeks later we made a cross country move, followed by a second move back home less than 2 months later. So yes, I know how it feels.

I would really try to listen to what your DD is telling you and not try to force her to sleep at a certain time. Her life is about to change just as much as yours. My DH isn't really much 'help' either. He plays a little with DS, but that's about it. Seems like you have a lot going on besides the sleep issues, but she's only 2, she doesn't *need* to sleep at a certain time, does she? You can either spend an hour or two letting her play, getting energy out, or 2 hours kicking and hitting you and you both feeling badly.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I am also thinking maybe she doesnt need to nap, and the fighting and kicking isnt worth it.

How does she do at night?


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## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

First of all...huge hugs to you, mama. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot.
I really agree with what 425lisamarie said. Forcing her to sleep is just going to make the both of you crazyangry.

Life is going to change for everyone when the new baby gets here. Just follow her lead...y'know? Sometimes it's really hard to let go, but fighting this battle is getting neither of you anywhere.

There's a rule at our house. If you're tired - sleep. If you aren't - don't sleep. There is no schedule, there isn't any fighting about bedtime. If Willow isn't ready to lay down, no biggie...play with some toys while Mom naps on the couch. It's not worth the anger and the stress...especially this far along.

It gets better. I promise it does.

Much love and peace to you.


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## CariS (Jul 2, 2005)

Thanks for the support moms.

As I was writing the post I was unsure why I was posting feeling like I've tapped all resources and I just have to suffer through this I guess. But the support and hugs alone are amazing. Thank you.

I hear what you all are saying re not forcing sleep. Believe me! I'd LOVE to forget naps all together - its just she really shows signs of still needing naps. She's passed out right now. I have tried the - quite time while I nap which works great for me cuz I get a rest but then she falls asleep around 4 pm and then is awake later than her usual bedtime.

So I'd love to forgo the naps but it seems like she needs them. Also some things I've read is that kids really need more sleep than we think and don't often get it.

Oh - someone asked re her sleeping at night. It was a terrible process to get her to fall asleep w/o nursing (screaming, kicking, me crying too) but now she falls asleep in my arms and I sneak away. She sleeps through the night maybe once a week. Other nights she wakes about 4AM and can't be consoled by dh.

Thanks again. I good cry and some mom support. Thank you all.


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## Lisa Lubner (Feb 27, 2004)

All three of my kids dropped naps really early. It's a difficult transition to make. Sometimes they would make it through the day fine, sometimes they would end up taking a LATE nap, which was torture because then they would stay up very very late no matter what I did.

If you need some down-time... try giving her some stuff to play with while you sortof half watch her while lying on the couch or something. You could try waking her up earlier than usual too.










*by the way... my daughter is just barely older than yours, and i'm going through the same exact thing. Only she will NOT wean. She wants her moo. My last two babies weaned because I got pregnant and there went my milk... but this time I'm STILL lactating and she just will not give it up. haha.


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## turtlemama77 (Jul 29, 2005)

No, you shouldn't have done CIO. You trusted your instincts and you are right!

I'm sorry it's hard right now. One of the hardest things I had to learn about my babes is to trust them. Trust them to eat when they're hungry, trust them to sleep when they need to sleep. Sometimes the best you can do is set up the environment to encourage sleep. If it happens, it happens.

My dd is 23 months, and some days she passes right out (we nurse to sleep), and maybe once or twice a week she just won't go to sleep. It's really hard because I love naptime (it's pretty much my only alone time right now). But what can you do? You can't really force someone to sleep if they're not tired. I agree with the pp...can you give your little one something to do that's quiet so you can just hang out? It's not exactly the same as naptime, but it's better than nothing. Some days all my dd seems to need is some quiet time to recharge.

hang in there!


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## bendmom (Sep 4, 2003)

We have never had sleep times in our house either. We stay up pretty late, and our oldest will fall asleep anytime between 7 and 10. Our youngest is 26 months and still takes one nap a day. I never force the nap time, and occationally he ends up taking a nap from 5-7 and is awake until 11. But he doesn't do that all the time. We have always let them make their own sleep patterns and they run pretty well. Hugs to you on giving birth so soon!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I hear your frustration.

I agree though- stop fighting about sleep. Just stop. If she is tired enough she will sleep.

-Angela


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## aisraeltax (Jul 2, 2005)

im so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. i cant imagine what its like to have a toddler and be 8 months preg. why dont you just let her naps go for a few days and see what happens after a few days. OR, just lie down with her for 1/2 an hour. maybe watch a movie. don't make it a nap time..make it quiet time. i used to do that with my sons when they were on the verge of not taking a nap anymore.

i hope you get some rest. i know what its like not to have a dh who helps.


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## mamameg (Feb 10, 2004)

I could have written your post 7 months ago. I felt exactly the same way. DD was 22 months old, I was 8 months pg, she was not napping.







:

She and I have had a long love affair with The Nap Battle and I finally gave up. It was just taking too much out of both of us and it wasn't working anyway. Sounds to me like that's where you are, too.

It took me a few weeks to transition, but I have us in a new routine now. I've adopted a new policy of "Don't Say Nap". It's a trigger word for us and it always results in a power struggle. Right after lunch, we clean up and then I ask her very calmly to go in her room. I ask her to get in bed and tell her it's time to go to get some rest. If she puts up any significant resistance, I tell her she doesn't have to go to sleep, but she does have to stay in her room and quietly read books.

I also got a little cd player for her room, so she will sometimes ask if she can quietly listen to music and that will often keep her in there and resting and reading books for over an hour. Even if she doesn't sleep (which I know she needs to - she will sleep 2+ hours for DH all the time, just not for me







: ) she does recharge and doesn't fall apart quite so badly as we go into evening.

I remember feeling like I was about to let her CIO for naps and feeling like I just had done it all wrong! But you know what? We just had our first parent/teacher conference at DD's Montessori preschool and her teacher said it's clear that her emotional needs are met and she has a strong sense of security and sense of self. I honestly feel like not ever leaving her to CIO contributed to those positive traits. You will see the fruits of your labor down the line, mama.









It's so hard when you are pregnant.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Ditch the nap...







Best of luck!


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

I know how frustrating it is to be tired & responsible for a toddler.

I have a 26 mo right now, she is in the process of giving up her daytime nap. Sometimes she will fall asleep shortly after lunch, but that isn't too often anymore, and only if she wakes early. More often she will fall asleep around dinner time, or if she manages to stay awake a bit longer, she will fall asleep early for the night. Sometimes we fall into a pattern of no nap/early sleep at night -- early wake up in the morning -- regular nap time -- regular bed time and wake time -- no nap/early sleep at night.... if that makes sense. So nap one day, no nap the next. And sometimes she does just nap around dinner time and then wake up in the evening, which can be hard, especially since my older two really like a calm bedtime routine. But on those nights, I adjust -- either let my older two stay up late and we all go to sleep late (and the kids fall asleep *fast*), or I put the older ones to bed at a normal time and keep my toddler up with me. I keep things low key then -- read a book or watch tv -- and then we go to sleep together when we both seem drowsy enough.

Sometimes I find the lack of predictability frustrating -- it would be nice to have a schedule for the sleeping and know when I will get a break, or nice not to stay up with a toddler which means I neglect the dishes and other cleaning up that needs to be done (I get up early the next morning to do it instead). But since my kids aren't predictable enough for that, and I'm not willing to CIO, just being laid back about it seems to be the best option, for me.


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## CariS (Jul 2, 2005)

WOW! I must say I'm really surprised by the overwhelming response to give up naps. Wow!

I would LOVE to forgo naps all together for my sake its just that dd seems to really need them. Its easier for me when she's awake anyway but like I say - she seems to pass out late in the day if no nap at all.

I'll stay open to the idea I just think the issue is more about something else. For example maybe I'm not making our routine predictable enough which I'll do this week.

I'm so tired - not sure if any of this makes sense. =)

Thanks again for all the support and input! It's great to know what others have gone through and what works for you! Thank you!


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

Well, if she needs to sleep by late afternoon, could you just try and stretch it a little and put her to bed early? At that age, dd slept for about 11 hours at night and took an early nap for 2 - 3 hours, and the went to bed at 6:30 or so.

Boy, that was nice!


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## CariS (Jul 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gretasmommy* 
Well, if she needs to sleep by late afternoon, could you just try and stretch it a little and put her to bed early? At that age, dd slept for about 11 hours at night and took an early nap for 2 - 3 hours, and the went to bed at 6:30 or so.

Boy, that was nice!

I wish! My friends son makes up sleep that he misses. Dd though will sometimes fall asleep for the night LATER if she skips a nap. It's like if she gets to that 'over tired place' she's just miserable and can't relax.


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## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

Does she have a set bedtime? If so...do you need her to have a set bedtime?

We all go to bed around 10:30 or 11pm. Willow will sleep through (sometimes) til morning (around 8 or so)...if she falls asleep during the day after 3pm...getting her to bed (even at 11pm) is a battle.

Is there another way to soothe her to sleep? I know you're pregnant and nursing is uncomfortable...do you have a rocking chair or anything?

You sound so frustrated and frazzled. I'm totally empathizing. lol


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

That's so true! Sleep is a paradox for little ones, and an earlier bedtime at their ages doesn't mean they get up earlier. They get up at the same time . . . . so get them to bed earlier and they get MORE sleep.

Hang in there . . and try the ridiculously early bedtime (at 12 mo's, it was 5:30 for dd, by her choice!) for a few nights. It just might work. Usually, I would say tot ry about 12 hours after they get up at nearly 2 . . . .

Hang in there!


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:

I would LOVE to forgo naps all together for my sake its just that dd seems to really need them. Its easier for me when she's awake anyway but like I say - she seems to pass out late in the day if no nap at all.
This is just so common for this age. Really. My 3rd child is approaching this stage and it just seems that falling asleep at 4 or 5 for a too-late nap is just part of the transition to no napping. Yes they may still NEED the nap. My 5 year old still NEEDS a nap sometimes (though he wouldn't take one....), but it doesn't mean they will. Your choices are to fight about it every day and make a difficult thing more difficult, or to ride out some rough days while you make the transition. You will have to make that transition eventually









And just because you let go of the struggle (and have a few rough days in between) it doesn't mean she will NEVER nap. Maybe she will nap every other day, or twice a week. Maybe she will never nap for a year and a half then suddenly crash out at exactly 1pm every day when she turns 3 (just like my ds2







). There really is no all-or-nothing in parenting a toddler!

The most important thing to realize is that your dd is letting you know that what you are doing isn't working and so you need to figure out what will work. You have done a fantastic job of meeting her needs so far and you will figure out what she needs this time too









Hang in there. Being very pregnant and the mother of a toddler is a tough job sometimes


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## amyjeans (Jul 27, 2004)

big hugs to you mama.
I have an 8 mo, 2 yr old and 4 yr old, and personally I feel they all need a nap- but my oldest one stopped at 3, my 2 yr old gets one or two a week, if I am lucky, and my infant- well, she does her thing.
So my 2 yr old is right there with your child.
I did stop trying to push for the nap, but I do see her crashing and burning about 3pm. If I do push a nap, I try like anything to get her down by 1-2p, that way, she'll be okay for bed at 7p.
We have a semi-schedule here. the older girls get ready for bed at 630, and are asleep by 7pm. When they get no nap, they literally crash. If they get a nap, they usually stay up until as late as 930-10p. My oldest is up with the sun, and her daddy, while my 2yr old sleeps in (unless her sister decides to wake her ...uggh!)And if my 2 yr old doesn't nap- she can be a bear, too!
So why am I telling you this? Because I have yet to find a cure all for kids and sleep. I honestly can't wait until 1130pm- that is when everyone in the house is asleep, accept me. And I can take a shower, read the mail, do the dishes, etc.
Crying helps a lot, I think it cleans you out.
But sometimes, SOMETIMES I need a freakin nap! and occasionally, I get them all asleep at the same time during the day! That is like heaven on earth!
You are no doubt, exhausted and need a break. The only person who knows your child best is you, and if she is giving you the signs of being tired, try to put her down, maybe by not following a schedule may help. If that means she sleeps at 4pm, and is up until 11pm with you, then you should make every attempt to nap with her so you are prepared for a late night.
Sometimes I do quiet time- I get everyone under the covers and read a quiet book- just for downtime, and that may be just what she needs as well. No sleeping is required, but is not frowned upon either!
I wish you all the best-
From a fellow CT-yankee!

amyjeans


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## lilliansmom (Nov 2, 2006)

There is nothing nicer then NAP TIME!! Oh and pg mamas need naps to!







My DD is younger then yours however a couple weeks ago we went through the anti nap stage. My DD would skip her 2 hour nap even though she was lying on the floor rubbing her eyes she just couldn't fall asleep. She was sleeping so unsoundly at night with out her nap that it didn't feel right to let her start skipping them (she was going to bed at 4p-8a) She just wasn't ready to give up the nap but she wasn't taking one either! I finally changed our schedule a little. I think I was missing her sleep window. I moved up our routine about 20-30 minutes earlier and it was back to the land of the nod! On off days I just try not to spend more then ten minutes trying to get her to sleep because when she is ready to sleep it never takes more time then that for her to go down. It may seem to routine but setting a time limit on how long we are going to try for a nap really saves us both a lot of frustration.


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## mama in the forest (Apr 17, 2006)

mama!

If you think she will feel better with a nap, one thing you could try is this: (and i'm assuming you co-sleep)?? Completely baby proof your room with your bed in it, so that there is nothing whatsoever that could hurt her.......then bring in a few little books or other favorite things she likes, and then lock the two of you in for a little while. YOU lay down & rest....and tell her that if she'd like to rest too she can. Or not - whatever. Make it all really gentle & positive. Let her be free to walk around, get on & off the bed....no pressure. If she's screaming to get out at all....abandon. But if she's open to just being in there with you, who knows - she may decide to lay down with you & sleep. And if not, well, you've had a nice rest yourself!

There are some nice homeopathic calming remedies for little ones....it might be good to take some of that before nap time too.


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## BrooklynDoula (Oct 23, 2002)

My son dropped naps at around that time - it got too frustrating to fight it. Some times he would pass out in the afternoon and be up later, some days he made it until 6:30 and passed out for the night (with wake ups). I had a very difficult sleeper and tried as much as possible to not fight it and now, at 4, he sleeps well so I think being a little flexible goes a long ways.

Big hugs to you, when i was there it was hard! Good luck.


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## amyjeans (Jul 27, 2004)

oh I just thought about this-one sure fire way to knock my kids out....make them play play playplayplay! I know it's getting cold out- and outside play is harder now, but take her to the library, or a long walk through a museum, or even a walk through a mall. It's amazing what a little exercise will do!Then if a nap is skipped, bedtime might not be a struggle, she'll probably drop.


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## lotsofkids (Aug 25, 2006)

I think you know that she still needs a nap. What I think may be happening is that she is battling YOU, not the actual nap. This is very typical for this age. I think consistency would go a far way in helping her, that way she isn't overtired or wide awake when it's time to take a nap. I would lay next to her, but not try to hold her down. She needs her space. If you are physically making her stay there, then it becomes a battle - an actual battle between you two. If she gets up, simply put her back and lay next to her. She may not take a nap at all, but if you are timing it right, and not turning it into a battle of wills, then she may just start napping again. Good luck!


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## EyesOfTheWorld (Apr 20, 2004)

About that age (and when I was just about that pregnant!) my dd1 started fighting naps like that too. I just didn't have it in me to fight her anymore and I just stopped them. She did a quiet time while I laid in bed with her and napped, and every once in a great while she'd fall asleep too (totally unexpected, but it was sweet to wake up to her cuddled against me, asleep of her own will)! She started going down for the night earlier to make up the difference and it worked well. Now she's almost 3 and she recently started taking naps again, so it's not necessarily the end!


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## JillChristina (May 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CariS* 
I just got the crap beat out of me again by a 30 pound toddler trying to get her to nap. She was screaming and I had to physically keep her from leaving the bed. It's pretty much been like this for naps for months now. I couldn't take it emotionally for a while so I'd schedule my day so that we'd be in the car for her naps. I would have liked to be home and napping myself.

Though I wasn't pregnant at the time, I could have written this exact thing when my dd#1 about 28 months old. What I did: let her give up her nap. Was it always easy? No. Did it get easier with time? Heck yes! I honestly just could not fight with her anymore. I knew she needed her nap but she just fought and fought and would NOT go to sleep. She would hit me, kick me, etc. I used to get SOOOO angry and then we'd both end up in tears and she still wouldn't have napped. I realized that part of why I was so upset was because I was expecting her to nap and she wasn't. My expectations were not being met and I was ticked off. Big surprise (insert sarcasm) that when I changed my expectations, I didn't get mad!









We started to try to have a quiet time. I would just lay in her room and she could play quietly or read books as long as she didn't leave her room. This gave me a chance to rest and she was happy not having to nap. This worked for a while. On days when that wasn't an option, I would get her cozy on the couch and let her watch a show or two. Lots of people don't like to use tv this way but it worked for us. My daughter is very go, go, go and about the only thing she'd sit still for at that time was the tv. We also moved her bedtime up considerably. This was actually nice for me because she would fall asleep VERY fast and I'd have lots more evening time to myself and with my husband.

There were definitely days that were harder than others. I think you just have to expect that there is going to be an adjustment period when you give up naps. And there were days where she'd fall asleep in the car but those eventually got fewer and fewer.

I wish you the best of luck. This is not an easy situation, especially when you're pregnant. I hope you find a solution that works for you guys!

Jill


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## formerluddite (Nov 16, 2006)

i agree with the play play play comment. but hard to do when you're big/pg/tired yourself. playdates with slightly older kids who get her running around, while you sit/lie on couch to supervise? 3 or 4yos are great at putting toddlers through their paces. if you're home alone and stuck inside try playing fetch with soft balls, getting her to follow you up and down stairs, toss a soft ball downstairs and have her go get it, convince her to climb/jump off the couch. anything that makes her work harder than you. also, nap timing is crucial when they get less willing. consistant lunchtime then nap helps.


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## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

Naps were a struggle when my three kids reached that age too. They tended to drop the afternoon nap first, so at around 10:30 every morning we would bundle up and I would put them in the double stroller (my first two are 18 months apart and my third was born 22 months later) and go for a long walk. I would get some exercise and inevitable the kids would fall asleep - I became an expert at shifting their backrests back into a recline position without slowing down the stroller. When I was pregnant with #3 I would walk with the odler two until they were both asleep, usually 30 - 45 minutes, come home, ease the double stroller into the house and lie down on the couch and sleep myself until they woke up. When the older two outgrew naps we would all walk every morning until the baby fell asleep. We got lots of exercise and I didn't have to face the struggles or worry about the older ones wking up a just-about-asleep baby.

For each of them, there was a window - if tehy didn't fall asleep by about 1:00, I dida ll I could to avoid sleep until evening. I knew I just didn't have it in me to stay up late in the evening. I wanted to respect their needs and timetable, but I had to respect my own too if I wanted to be a good mama. We didn't get in the car in the afternoon on no-nap days, and boy, did I ever become interesting in that mid to late afternoon time! Anything to keep them awake and engaged. They were often in bed between 6 and 7, dh and I would have a little time together, and then I would sleep too.

I know you are in the thick of it now, but you will find your way through it. My "baby" turns seven tomorrow.They all have a good approach to bedtime and respecting their need for rest. Now I am the one with sleep issues in this house!


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## jee'smom (Mar 17, 2004)

You had said something about night weaning. I did that too when dd was 18 mo. I was pg, and had to sleep. What I ended up finding out is, if I would've just nursed, it would've been easier!!! I went back to night nursing after ds was born, and while it seemed like taking a step backwards at the time, it ended up helping me to get her to sleep at night, back to sleep _during_ the night, and most importantly, nap. We'd all go to bed, dd would watch a movie, while I nursed ds to sleep, then I'd roll over and nurse dd to sleep and we'd all take a 3 hr. nap EVERYDAY!!! HEAVEN!!! If either woke up, I'd just roll over and nurse that one back to sleep. Sometimes it was a hassle, but usually it worked pretty well. I gave up thinking that night weaning was the answer, until she was old enough to not need it anymore. (about 3yo) Also, when dd went through what you are describing (still needing naps, but not taking them until later in day, which meant I was up until late at night, and I JUST WANTED TO GO TO BED!!!)... I let her nap whenever she wanted on the nights dh was home (he works evenings), and he'd stay up with her while i went to bed early with newborn. It was only 2-3 nights a week, but it helped me alot, to recharge!
Good luck!


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## Demeter9 (Nov 14, 2006)

Rename nap time to quiet time.

Offer a few choices of quiet things your child can do in their bed. Read. Do puzzles. That sort of thing. The option of napping or doing a "quiet time" activity for an hour is up to them.

Put a CD player on, with some light music.

If they are tired, they'll fall asleep.

The routine takes several weeks to set up. Particularly if you have a child with a temperment that is -shall we say- very independent minded. :>


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## timneh_mom (Jun 13, 2005)

My 2 year old is hideous without his nap too... just awful by late afternoon. I can totally understand why you don't want to cut out the nap just yet. He often won't sleep long though, then he is still crabby like he needs more sleep by the end of the day. And like your DD, if he has a short/skipped nap, he will often have a horrible night from being overtired.

I don't have any answers for you, I am pregnant too (almost 29 weeks) and he has always been a crappy sleeper. It's really hard!!


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