# words of comfort to friend who had an abortion



## TranscendentalMom (Jun 28, 2002)

A friend of mine just had an abortion and while she feels she made the right decision, she is very sad...they already have 3 kids and just did not feel they could handle having another child. But of course its never an easy decision. She is going thru some depression I think and I would like to send her a card but I want to make sure I don't say the wrong thing. Anyone know some words that would be comforting to someone who has been thru that? thanks.


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## MsElle07 (Jul 14, 2006)

You might send her to www.afterabortion.com . It's for women like her, who feel sad even if they feel they made the right choice.

I would just listen.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

I think just going the simple route would work well - "thinking of you, love xxx"


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## Shonahsmom (Mar 23, 2004)

I think it would be nice to hear that you're there for her, for whatever she might need, someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, a hug.

As an aside, thank you for not judging her and for wanting to offer her comfort and support. You are a good friend.


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## asoulunbound (May 16, 2006)

I am so sorry for your friend and her family. I cannot imagine how she feels.

I'm currently trying to figure out what to say to a close friend after her abortion about a week ago, so this thread caught my eye.

I've never had an abortion, but I imagine if it were me, I'd not want to be judged (so yay for you not judging her!).
Perhaps a site where other women share their experiences may be helpful, (Such as the one already mentioned, afterabortion.org, or others like:
http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/postabortion/affects.htm
http://www.silentnomoreawareness.org/resources/

I think I'd also want to have my grief validated, that it's okay and not "wrong" to feel a rush of different emotions, such as anger, or depression. I have a friend, T., who has a masters in psych. His wife died a few months ago, suddenly. T. went to a support group and they told him it was okay to feel angry, upset, sad, happy, and all the other emotions he had been feeling. T. told me "I have a masters in psychology, but I didn't think it was okay to feel all those emotions after losing my wife."

Your friend is very fortunate to have someone like you to care about them!


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## Julia Rose (May 22, 2006)

It also might be good if you let her know that it's normal to feel what she's feeling, and that she may be feeling it for years to come (I speak from bitter experience). If she can work through it now with a compassionate therapist or with one of the organizations mentioned (Rachel's Vineyard, for instance), she will be saving herself more grief later. Her husband may be suffering from the loss too and in need of support, but it's a lot harder for men to ask for it. In the NYC tristate area there are post-abortion workshops for men called "Entering Canaan"; perhaps there is something like it where your friend lives. Hugs to you and to her.


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## cherrymary (Apr 14, 2007)

Hi TranscendentalMom. My deepest respect to you for being such a supportive, non-judgemental friend and for breaking the silence around pregnancy loss/abortion - these are complex emotions that you are helping her deal with, and it's so good when women can get together and TALK about them. The way I see it, it's ok to be *sad* about something and *sure* about it at the same time. Life's like that.

I hope I don't offend anybody when I say this - I'll try to present it in a neutral way, as my opinion alone, take it or leave it. I just think that it's worth it to be careful about recommending organizations like Rachel's Vineyard to someone who feels that they have made the right, *albeit difficult*, choice. In my experience, Rachel's Vineyard tends to use wording that implies that the woman has made the *wrong* choice, which is why she *needs* healing or forgiveness. For example, it offers retreats for mothers, fathers, and siblings of "aborted children" - but not all women who have had abortions think of them in these terms, and it may even be more traumatic for them to be subtly exposed to this kind of language. It's also worth realizing that RV is explicitly Christian - *not that there's anything wrong with that!* - but it just might not be the most appropriate resource for women of other faiths/spiritualities.

What I find a little more sinister is RV's emphasis on the link between abortion and past history of sexual abuse, which states that abused women who have abortions are trying to work through "a symbolic reenactment of their struggle to gain mastery over past trauma and abuse". Abused women need support and understanding, especially during the difficult time of pregnancy loss, but the two issues are not necessarily related - blanket statements like this pass judgment on them as doubly guilty.

Sorry to ramble on!!! Try www.4exhale.org, it might be a good resource for you and your friend.


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## Shenjall (Sep 14, 2002)

Quote:

The way I see it, it's ok to be sad about something and sure about it at the same time. Life's like that.

I totally agree, and think this needs to be repeated.


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