# replacement phrase for "good boy/job!"



## leosmommy (May 11, 2008)

I find myself saying this to DS a lot, and I'm at a loss for a good replacement phrase. He is almost 9 months. TIA!


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## KK'sMommy (Apr 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *leosmommy* 
I find myself saying this to DS a lot, and I'm at a loss for a good replacement phrase. He is almost 9 months. TIA!


That's Awesome!
Thumbs Up! (say it and do it)
Way to go!
You rock! (my DD loves this phrase)
Go (insert name here) Go (insert name here) Go (insert name here)


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

I think the problem with the phrases good boy/job is the fact that it is a repeated phrase.

Try being more specific:

Wow, you cleaned up your whole play room, you should be so proud!

I like the purple lines that you drew in that picture, what's your favorite part?

Wiping up that spill really helps keep our house clean!

etc.

*just wanted to add that saying "good job" is okay too as long as that is not ALL you say kwim?


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## Collinsky (Jul 7, 2004)

You can't go wrong with objective observation of what she is doing or feeling, and giving her that feedback and that vocabulary.

"You're crawling!/You're standing up!"
"Was that fun?/That looked like fun!"
"Thank you for giving me the marble."
"I love to see you enjoying ________"
"You're learning so much every day!"
"Wheeee!"
"I can tell you liked that!"
"Isn't this fun?"
"Wow, you're learning all the time!"
"You worked really hard to get that!"
"Is that a tower of blocks? Oh! You knocked it down! Boom!"
"That's a BIG scribble! It goes all over the page!"
"You look really proud of _____"

We also do Way to gos and high fives here, and "that's awesome" but I try to be aware of that, and use it as a way to acknowledge my child's own enthusiasm/enjoyment/pride, instead of as a way to try to shape her future behavior. I think there's a difference in the energy of "Mom is excited about what excites me" and "This pleases Mommy, she approves of me when I draw well. I need to draw well."

(and also for the NOT pleasant times - it's the same, observation without judging: "you're crying, that really hurt you." "you're feeling angry" "you want the knife and mommy put it way up on the counter")

Have you read Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting?

"Good job" is definitely better than "good girl" FWIW. I remember arguing with my Dh (then boyfriend) because I didn't think it made any difference at all and they mean the same thing. Turns out he was right!







The one refers only to the acceptability of the behavior, the other to the person... a child writing her name is no more "good" than a child who isn't making letters yet, and a child that wants to see what her juice looks like on the linoleum is no more "bad" than a child who didn't think to wonder about that sort of thing.


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## dpoupore (May 14, 2008)

i try to make "I" statements, such as, Wow, I enjoy watching you stack those blocks." i think it keeps some of the judgment out of it.


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

Yeah, I try to describe what DD did, and we often say "you did it."

We try to stay away from too many inherently praising statements, even if they are phrased differently, because they still carry that message of "when you are 'good' you get love/attention from us." It's tricky, though. It's the one thing, however, that we are willing to try to adjust in our natural behaviors.


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## emmaegbert (Sep 14, 2004)

I like the examples from Collinsky and the suggestion from dpoupore a lot. I try to comment upon the child's work too, rather than the end result- or tie them together- "I see you worked so hard to get up on that chair" or whatever.

I honestly try to never say "good job" though maybe it slips out from time to time. To me this phrase it totally meaningless. Unless you are actually talking about a job they've done, like, "good job mopping the floor", but normally I would just say something like, "I see you have mopped the whole floor" or maybe, "thank you for mopping the floor, now its so clean", because I don't think there is anything wrong with communicating my genuine pleasure in or thanks for something my son does (and I do try to be conscious of also saying why I am thankful, even if it seems obvious). But thats mostly not relevant to a 9-month-old, though getting into a habit now will make it easier later.

I decided when my son was about the age of your baby just never to say that good boy or good job, and now he's 4 and it kind of drives me crazy listening to it all the time. Its amazing, but people say those things ALL THE TIME to kids, for all sorts of bizarre reasons, even to kids they don't even know, etc. I think its so culturally normal to treat kids in this behaviorist way (like they are doing everything b/c they know we're watching and judging) that until you decide NOT to do it, its totally invisible.


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## pinky (Nov 21, 2001)

I find often when I'm inclined to say "good job" what I really mean is "thank you" or "you're really pleased with/excited about/proud of...."


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

I'm dittoing hollytheteacher and Collinsky


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## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

We try to say things along the lines of:
- "You did it all by yourself."
- "That's a mighty tall stack of blocks!" or "That's a mighty loud banging sound you're making with those pot lids."
- "Thanks for taking your dishes to papa. You're helping keep the house tidy."
- "I see you figured out how to take the cap off that pen."
- "What is that in the potty?" DS answers, "Tut." (his word for waste) "That's right! That's just where pee is supposed to go. Gimme five!"

When possible, I try to include something about why his action is beneficial or exciting, and if it's something like the pot lids, commenting on them in a neutral way is my way of avoiding screaming, "Would you please cut that racket out right now!?!?!".


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## InDaPhunk (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *leosmommy* 
I find myself saying this to DS a lot, and I'm at a loss for a good replacement phrase. He is almost 9 months. TIA!

Why do you have to say anything at all? Why not just let it...be. I've found that my DS doesn't usually require any feedback from me for anything he does. He knows what's going on.

If you really feel like something is required you could say "you did it" or "hey, look at that".


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## bright-midnight (Mar 26, 2007)

We usually say "Yay! You did it!"

I think we started that around 18 months old and now when she does something like pottying or snapping herself into her booster, she goes "I did it!" and gets really excited.


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## PPK (Feb 15, 2007)

I tend to say "Good job" alot, but I sincerely mean it.

I also say:

Yay!
Wow, what a big helper you are, I really needed that!
That's excellent/wonderful/great honey.
I enjoy spending time with you.
What a nice day we've had.
Wow, you're really good at _____.


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## principii (Jan 26, 2008)

I basically say: "That's my baby girl!"


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## theresal (Jul 6, 2005)

When I first tried to break the "good job" habit, I still found the sound "goooo" automatically start coming out of my mouth. It drove me crazy! So I followed a tip from Pam Leo, author of Connection Parenting, who suggested that if you found yourself in that situation, switch it over to "good for you." I would then follow it with a more descriptive statement.

Over time, it has become easier to go straight to the descriptive statement, if I feel the need to comment at all. And my fallback response when I'm distracted and not in the frame of mind to provide a more thoughtful comment is "You did it!"

Another thing to consider is the tone of your response when you are trying to avoid a judgmental, praise-focused approach. I believe it was Barbara Colorosso in Kids Are Worth It who talked about encouragement, instead of praise, and about matching your child's enthusiasm. That perspective was a good fit for me, since it now feels like I'm sharing in their feelings of accomplishment, rather than judging them.

Theresa


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## Calee (May 10, 2008)

My DS is 12 months, and I comment specifically...

Look at you standing up!!!!!
I am proud that you asked nicely!
What a big boy, eating your food!
I like it when you build tall towers.

I also use,
"you rock", that rocks, that is so exciting, i love that, way to go DS, etc.


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## kolleen9 (May 27, 2006)

Comment on the action, not the person. After all we have unconditional love for our children ;-)

That was a good throw
Eating that food makes you strong
Nice stance (for standing)

You'll find more in Whole Child/Whole Parent by Polly Beriend Berends

Great topic btw ;-)

-Kolleen


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

If I'm involved in what he's doing (or he's seeking my attention and response) and I'm excited, I say "Yay!" or "Cool!" or any other such exclamation of my own joy.

If I'm just wanting to reflect back what he did (because I'm not particularly excited or am distracted at the moment), I use any descriptive phrase like those previously suggested (even just "I see that you stacked the blocks."), and then usually a question or an encouragement to keep going.

If he's doing it on his own and I'm not involved, I say nothing, even if I'm grinning ear-to-ear and want to do jumping jacks because it's _so darn cool_ (and it is sometimes!!), because it has nothing to do with me, and I would just be interrupting something important.

If he's doing something for me that I appreciate, I say "Thank you", because I mean it.


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## newlywaaz (Oct 19, 2006)

not a regular here, but I wanted to add that when my 2yo is obedient or does a "job" on his own (getting a toy for his brother, bringing his laundry to the hamper, turning the light on, sorting recyclables etc), I say "I appreciate that" in addition to noting that he has completed the action successfully.

With my 8mo, I stick mainly to noting the behavior in an approving tone and leaving it at that, just like what so many others have said.


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## NinaBruja (Jan 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pinky* 
I find often when I'm inclined to say "good job" what I really mean is "thank you"

totally...
thank you would be a good replacement.

i usually think would i say it to my signifigant other or a friend? nope then its probably not a good thing to say to my kid.
its all about respect and getting away from manipulation.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

You must feel very proud of yourself.

It looks like you worked hard on that.

I love this.

Thank you. If it's a gift to me.

I try to look at what they've done and look for something true and specific.

I don't praise for behaviour(like "good sharing") but if it's something outstanding I will say something like "I bet Sophia felt much better after you gave her a turn on the swing, I bet it made her happy"

That sort of thing.


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## Tjej (Jan 22, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *St. Margaret* 
Yeah, I try to describe what DD did, and we often say "you did it."


We say that too - and it is the cutest thing DD says a lot now "I DID IT!"


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## rubyeta (Jan 11, 2007)

"nice work" is something i say a lot.... and lots of the others i saw on here!


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## leosmommy (May 11, 2008)

thank you everyone for all of your responses! DH and I have been working very hard at this and hardly ever say "good boy". We're learning to just state the obvious "you crawled the whole way into the kitchen!"

I'll admit DH is having a little more trouble with it (mostly because his parents have it ingrained in him from his own childhood) but he is truly making the effort.

thanks again!


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## CaraboosMama (Mar 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *St. Margaret* 
Yeah, I try to describe what DD did, and we often say "you did it."

We try to stay away from too many inherently praising statements, even if they are phrased differently, because they still carry that message of "when you are 'good' you get love/attention from us." It's tricky, though. It's the one thing, however, that we are willing to try to adjust in our natural behaviors.









This is what we do too. I think it is important for kids to start to learn to evaluate themselves rather than always seek outside approval. Not to say parental praise is all BAD (it's certainly better than put-downs, etc!) but we try to be excited for them without turning it back to how WE as parents feel about it - does that make any sense?


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## MaterPrimaePuellae (Oct 30, 2007)

I like "well done!" It's short, praises good work, applicable in many situations. If I have the energy, I talk about specifics, "Oh, what a nice idea to color over the stickers on your paper." "How creative," "what an intersting lego house., I think the baby (doll) likes it."


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

When ds was younger, I sometimes described the situation ("You climbed to the top!" or "you did it!" etc, and said it with an excitement level that matched ds's). Or didn't say anything at all if he seemed perfectly content to be in his own little world.

Other times, I'd describe how his actions affected someone else ("Lily is really happy that you shared your ball with her." or "It really makes it more fun to clean when you're helping me!")

Of course, now that he's older, I tend to fall back on "Cool!" and "Nice!" but I try to make specific comments following it.


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