# My ONLY Child will Graduate in 2009 -- I feel SO SAD



## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

well the title says it all. Our only child will graduate from High School next year - Class of 2009. I feel positively sick that he may go off to college and then its just DH and I









I feel like all the highlights in my life will be over -- its just down hill from there







I can't image after 18 years of having DS in our home it may be going back to just the 2 of us again. Our lives have been so wrapped around him -- the 18 years have just flown by -- I feel like I just brought him home from the hospital. I don't know what happens to me next..... I know I am rambling but does anyone else feel this way ... I feel such an overwhelming sadness lately.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I think it is normal to grieve this especially for us amazingly dedicated MDC mamas. Be gentle with yourself. I'm sorry it hurts.


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## canadianchick (May 18, 2005)

I kinda know what you mean. DD is finishing grade 6 this year and I was thinking the other day how fast these past 6 years have gone and in the blink of an eye, she will be graduating and then what am I going to do.







I told her that if she goes to college within the state, I can transfer at work to be closer. My sister said that this would definately be my need, not dd's. It has been her and I since the beginning and my whole world revolves around her... I cannot imagine not having her around. Thankfully, I have a few more years left.







to you.


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## Mirzam (Sep 9, 2002)

My 18 year old DD recently moved out and we all miss her so much. Letting go is so hard. I do have two younger children (10 and 8), so DH and I won't have an empty nest for a while yet. But as you said, the years just fly by. But you never know, you might come to enjoy your new freedom!


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## Sopho (Jun 12, 2008)

My dad felt the same way when i graduated from highschool, seriously i thougt he was exaggerating, especially becuase i was the youngest child. Reading your posts makes me think about it, and about my own kids, even though that they're very yuong and they will not go anywhere for a while but still.
Ouch, it feels like yesterday when DD1 was a newborn


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## E.V. Lowi (Sep 16, 2005)

My youngest shocked us all by leaving home earlier than anticipated. At age 13, she decided to attend an arts academy boarding high school school, and we supported her decision to apply, all the while thinking she wouldn't get in. She has just completed her 2nd year there and is extremely happy and successful.

My heart was broken when my dd left and I could barely drag myself from bed for the first month of her freshman year and her father, my dh was in similar shape. Eventually we did adjust and the empty nest has become a love nest for the two of us.

You owe it to yourself and to your offspring who are no longer children but now becoming young adults, to get on with your own lives and let them do the same. It is a huge burden to a child when they carry the responsibility for your sad emptiness- don't do it to them! Find a way to fill the space they leave with your own satisfying pursuits. Go back to school, start a business, or volunteer your time and be productive! Keep growing and enjoy living to the fullest and your child will view you with respect and gratitude for letting them do the same.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

oh man -- I cried reading all of your posts -- and yes you are correct I need to start letting go .... its just so hard ! ..... I guess I need to start thinking about what's next in my life and quit feeling sorry for myself


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

From the time they first scoot across the floor, we are in the process of letting go. You'd think having 18 years to get ready, it'd be easy. Not even close to the case, is it, when the time draws near? All the cliches in the world aren't going to make it less sad. About the only thing that will is time. You'll find what is waiting around the corner as you get your new footing.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone* 
From the time they first scoot across the floor, we are in the process of letting go. You'd think having 18 years to get ready, it'd be easy. Not even close to the case, is it, when the time draws near? All the cliches in the world aren't going to make it less sad. About the only thing that will is time. You'll find what is waiting around the corner as you get your new footing.










THANK YOU


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

I just wanted to add, what a LUCKY and BLESSED son you have that has had so much of your Love, Attention, and Devotion. He truly has lived the life of love and respect, because if he hadn't you might not be so sad already.

I think it's very honorable that you feel this so deeply, and I wish you were my mom. I don't think this is about finding what's next, but a way to gentlly prepare your heart for the next phase in life. And that doesn't mean that you won't still be wrapped up in his life too- just because he graduates! You will be there with him until you draw your last breath. As you learn to let go some, you will be shown the way to "what's next" but I think that now, now is the time to bask in all the good that you 've done so far. Now is the time to really enjoy your son, and honor your relationships as mother/son/family. Build on those memories, make things that will help you once he has gone (get all artsy fartsy-lol). Help him have a great Senior year, and make that transition the best that it can be with your love.

Blessings, and like the pp said, Be GENTLE with YOU. Honor your role and know that this isn't the end.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *yarngoddess* 
I just wanted to add, what a LUCKY and BLESSED son you have that has had so much of your Love, Attention, and Devotion. He truly has lived the life of love and respect, because if he hadn't you might not be so sad already.

I think it's very honorable that you feel this so deeply, and I wish you were my mom. I don't think this is about finding what's next, but a way to gentlly prepare your heart for the next phase in life. And that doesn't mean that you won't still be wrapped up in his life too- just because he graduates! You will be there with him until you draw your last breath. As you learn to let go some, you will be shown the way to "what's next" but I think that now, now is the time to bask in all the good that you 've done so far. Now is the time to really enjoy your son, and honor your relationships as mother/son/family. Build on those memories, make things that will help you once he has gone (get all artsy fartsy-lol). Help him have a great Senior year, and make that transition the best that it can be with your love.

Blessings, and like the pp said, Be GENTLE with YOU. Honor your role and know that this isn't the end.

-------

How Beautiful -- thank you -- good thing everyone is asleep here because I am just bawling .. thank you again


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone* 
From the time they first scoot across the floor, we are in the process of letting go. You'd think having 18 years to get ready, it'd be easy. Not even close to the case, is it, when the time draws near? All the cliches in the world aren't going to make it less sad. About the only thing that will is time. You'll find what is waiting around the corner as you get your new footing.










Actually, I think if you allow yourself the grief, the sadness, if you can really be present with it and feel it, you will actually move through it sooner than if you push it away or think you shouldn't feel it.

It will still take time, but you will move on in your own time. No pressure.

Maybe watch a good sad movie when you need a Good Cry!


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 
Actually, I think if you allow yourself the grief, the sadness, if you can really be present with it and feel it, you will actually move through it sooner than if you push it away or think you shouldn't feel it.

It will still take time, but you will move on in your own time. No pressure.

Maybe watch a good sad movie when you need a Good Cry!

-------------

thank you

I think the strange part for me is it just being DH and me again. Obviously we are not the same people we were 18 years ago. I think we need to get to know each other all over again ... maybe even "date" each other.

DH knows I am struggling with this but I don't think he understands







. and he talks about all the things he wants to do when DS is all grown up --- none of the things he talks about interests me.. like he wants to travel and go hiking etc etc . I am such a home bug --- I could care less if I leave my house for a whole month! ..... so we are on 2 totally different pages.

the next few years should be interesting


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

My youngest also graduates in June 2009. I am dreading it already. Yesterday, I told myself that I still have over a year before she leaves, and I should try to stop dreading what hasn't happened yet. My husband keeps saying that he doesn't want her going far away to college, which I understand but it's kind of limiting.

So I know how you feel Decluttering Nut. A woman who lives near me actually wrote a book about empty nesters in which she claims that most couples adjust pretty easily and find that they enjoy being alone more than they thought they would. We're not so sure about that.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SusanElizabeth* 
My youngest also graduates in June 2009. I am dreading it already. Yesterday, I told myself that I still have over a year before she leaves, and I should try to stop dreading what hasn't happened yet. My husband keeps saying that he doesn't want her going far away to college, which I understand but it's kind of limiting.

So I know how you feel Decluttering Nut. A woman who lives near me actually wrote a book about empty nesters in which she claims that most couples adjust pretty easily and find that they enjoy being alone more than they thought they would. *We're not so sure about that*.


I am not so sure about that either


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## E.V. Lowi (Sep 16, 2005)

It can be truly wonderful with the kids gone. It's nice when they visit, but I feel I did my bit and now it's time for me. My dh and I are really enjoying ourselves, and finally have time for one another.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

I feel for ya!

DS is only 4 (also an only) and DH and I joke about being lifelong "helicopter" parents -- moving wherever he goes to be close by throughout his adulthood








All we have to do is pull up anchor and go... right? Unless he moves to Kansas.









All joking aside, you will find your new balance and you deserve having all the new found time to devote to yourself and your DP after being a dedicated mama for 18 years.


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## Black Orchid (Mar 28, 2005)

I love this thread. I am not in your situation, but I will be someday and I am glad to have read the beautiful thoughts here. Thanks mamas.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Black Orchid* 









I love this thread. I am not in your situation, but I will be someday and I am glad to have read the beautiful thoughts here. Thanks mamas.


-------

I agree -- I have been coming back here and reading the lovely thoughts -- just for a bit of comfort.

Is there really life after kids ?


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)




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## myac99 (Jun 28, 2008)

I can relate to you Peppermint, I also have only 1 child and he will be graduating from high school in 09 as well. Fortunately he decided that he would like to go to the local college for 2 years before heading off to a major college/university. And I know those 2 years will fly by as well and it will be very hard to see him leave.


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## BedHead (Mar 8, 2007)

My middle son will graduate in 2009, and my younger dd is unschooling, so his will be the last grad we do. I've been feeling kind of sad about that, but at the same time I am looking forward to having grandchildren, to being able to clean the house and have it stay that way, to setting up a study in what is now one of their bedrooms. We have plans to renovate and add things in the back yard for the grandkids, once a couple of them leave home. It's bittersweet, though - I know we'll adjust and be fine, but at the same time I know I will miss them something fierce.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Still having a rough time with this

DH and I had a talk about it this week - I think what is bothering me -- is that I feel lost.... its easy to loose yourself being a mom .. and I need to find me again. Not sure where I go from here... and what to do with my life .....

DH asked me if I could do anything at all what would it be .. and I couldn't come up with anything









I guess I need to spend some time discovering who I am again .. and what I want to do when I grow up


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## Camala M (Jul 26, 2008)

hi - i'm new here - not new to mothering magazine - read it since before my 22 year old was born!

i'm in trouble, and have reached into my past to this community - my youngest is leaving this year for college - eldest left three years ago - now both will be GONE . i'm freaking!

i have a new career lined up, and graduated from my own schooling with my youngest this spring, but still ---

i'm PETRIFIED!

my sons are my lights - my reason for living these past 23 years - and now they will be GONE!

i need your support - any of you who can help me - navigate this terrifying time. older wise women - i hope you are reading this and are willing to reach out to me. i feel like i will drown in my grief. Please help.









camala


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## MOM2-2 (Jan 13, 2002)

Hugs to you PeppermintLeaf....

My DD is leaving in 2 weeks for college....she is all packed and ready to go....I am thankful she is a good girl....and that we are real close in heart and miles (she will only be 1 1/2 hours away)!

It feels like yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital....and now I will be dropping her off to start on her own....

A little secret......I cry EVERY night....as a tear drop just hit the keyboard....

Treasure the memories and make this last year the most memorable one yet!!!!!!!!!!


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

My mom's youngest is graduating this year too (there are almost 11 years between my bro and myself).

I know she is feeling rather sad about it, especially because he signed up for the Marines. My sister just moved back to her town though and that's helpful.

Mom also just got divorced so I think the idea of living completely alone was hard for her. I'm so glad my sister is back!

But the good thing is that since the divorce she's taken up pilates and yoga. I'm encouraging her to take art classes again. She also does her own thing to help the poverty in her town. She knows a few families that have very little money so she will offer to take their kids to a movie and then she will take them to Walmart (I know, ick) and buy them an outfit. She will also do grocery shopping for them sometimes too. I think its great and it helps her feel good about herself too.

I think this would be a good time to take up other activities and plan things that you wouldn't have done before.

Is he planning on leaving right away? I know after we all turned 18 we hung around a bit. Then I had kids so that means more visits too and you'd get grandbabies!


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Camala M* 
hi - i'm new here - not new to mothering magazine - read it since before my 22 year old was born!

i'm in trouble, and have reached into my past to this community - my youngest is leaving this year for college - eldest left three years ago - now both will be GONE . i'm freaking!

i have a new career lined up, and graduated from my own schooling with my youngest this spring, but still ---

i'm PETRIFIED!

my sons are my lights - my reason for living these past 23 years - and now they will be GONE!

i need your support - any of you who can help me - navigate this terrifying time. older wise women - i hope you are reading this and are willing to reach out to me. i feel like i will drown in my grief. Please help.









camala


Wow -- your post sounds so much like mine.
I have been overwhelmingly sad for months now --- I know it may sound silly since most of the momma's here on MDC seem to just be starting their families -- and I am envious .. I would like to start over .. it went top fast









My heart goes out to you Camala .. and that is so cool to go back to school - good for you !!

I don't really have any good advice cause I am going thru the same thing .... and I feel really lost right now









I guess we need someone who has gone through it and has come out the other side


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

Quote:

I guess we need someone who has gone through it and has come out the other side
um...that wouldn't be me (see my sig line) but i still wanted to give you a







: and validate your perception of reality because yes, it really does hurt this bad.


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## ricemom3 (Jan 29, 2008)

My oldest is going to graduate in 09. He and I are very close, maybe b/c he is my first, maybe the mother/son thing. Anyway, from the time he entered high school I have been dreading this. I think he is planning on staying local for the first year or two, so I will have a little more time, but I know he needs to leave at some point. I have always felt, as hard as it will be (for me) for my kids to leave, if they don't then I have done some disservice to them by not equiping them with the tools needed to live in the "real world" kwim?
I also have a dd that is entering high school, I can't even think of her graduating. But I also have a 1yo so I'll still have a dc with me for a few more years. But, it definitely goes by way too fast.

Hugs to all!!


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

I'm also here with you all.

My youngest DD is graduating from high school in '09. We're very sad to see her go, and I think she also has some anxiety about leaving home. We've started looking at colleges, and I'm finding that sometimes she's enthusiastic about it, and at other times, she seems upset about going away. My oldest DD wasn't like this - she loved visiting campuses and couldn't wait to go to college. Last week we visited one school, and my DD2 was unhappy, and started kicking rocks after we left the tour. She was almost in tears, saying, "I'm just not feeling this place - I don't like it!" which is fine - she doesn't have to go there - but there does seem to be a lot of anxiety on her part, as well as ours.


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## 106657 (Apr 9, 2008)

Oh my gosh







to you all who have kids in their last year of school. I can't imagine it. Reading all your post got me a little nervous to think how fast the time goes by. Our entire life focused on our children, and all of a sudden it changes. My guys are all starting 9th this year, and I am already starting to panic. No matter how old they are I still see them as babies.. I don't know how I will handle this situation. I wish you all the best, I wish I had good advice, but I can't wrap my brain around this subject.


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

My sons start high school this year, so I'm not quite there yet!

I look at it this way, though. So many of you talk about your kids graduating from high school and being "gone" as if you'll never see them again. I doubt that will be the case!

I am almost 47 years old, and always enjoyed a wonderful relationship with my parents. We visited often, and talked on the phone regularly. I was grateful that my parents let me become a grownup, and we develpoed relationships as friends. My Dad passed away 3 years ago, and before he died I told him that one of my goals in life was to have the sort of relationship with my adult children that he and I enjoyed.

My Mom and I vacation together every year - just the two of us (I'm the only daughter).

So watching your kids graduate from high school and "leave the nest" isn't the end of the world - it's the start of a whole new, and possibly even better, one. I can only imagine how hard it is to face the coming days and weeks without them in the house every day, but they are still, and always will be, a part of you.


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint Leaf* 
Still having a rough time with this

DH and I had a talk about it this week - I think what is bothering me -- is that I feel lost.... its easy to loose yourself being a mom .. and I need to find me again. Not sure where I go from here... and what to do with my life .....

*DH asked me if I could do anything at all what would it be .. and I couldn't come up with anything









I guess I need to spend some time discovering who I am again .. and what I want to do when I grow up







*

I think what your husband is saying makes sense in that, if we can think of this as a time when we can enrich our own lives and devote more energy to ourselves, it doesn't have to be totally sad.

The previous poster said that your children are still in your life, and I think that's true (I have a 20 year old who left for college three years ago), but the reality is that it's not the same as having a child at home every day. It's a big difference.

****So I'm trying to think of things that my H and I can do -- We are trying to cultivate new relationships with couples like ourselves. For so many years we weren't good about socializing because it seemed like too much work. We just wanted to relax and be with our kids on weekends. But that has changed, so we're working at our own social life. (not sure how successful we will be.)

**I'm also thinking about things that I could do to still be around kids - I used to teach Sunday school, and although I'm not traditionally religious any more, I thought that maybe I could do this at the Unitarian Church.

Any other ideas from people about their "new life" as parents with grown kids, or as a single parent whose kids have grown up or gone to college are appreciated!


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## MOM2-2 (Jan 13, 2002)

Well Peppermint Leaf...only 2 more weeks to go and.....

my DD is off to college......


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MOM2-2* 
Well Peppermint Leaf...only 2 more weeks to go and.....

my DD is off to college......


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

we are all different and so for some parents, having their children moving out will not be as difficult as it will be for others. there is no right or wrong in how you are feeling. when i moved out i think my parents shut the door and cheered! for me, i will be very very sad when my kids leave.

my dd is not likely leaving home for another 3 years - i hope! i had some moments this year because she is homeschooled and thought she wanted to go to school and i was so sad at the idea of her being gone all day- nevermind permanently!







i know when she leaves it will be a really really big change for me. the moments we share with our children are so precious and fleeting.

i don't see anything wrong with you grieving the loss and change ... i think the issue comes in when people get stuck at the grieving process and don't move forward. i have a friend who is carrying a lot of bitterness and resentment over the fact that her husband does not want anymore babies (she has 10 so far) and it saddens me that she is carrying those feelings with her (for 5 years now). we can move forward even with loss and change.

so while you are grieving, maybe you can look forward to some things to help you through ... maybe you could take a night class, or start running or going to the gym, finding ways to discover your own needs through this time.

you will find your way


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## crunchymomofmany (May 24, 2007)

Even though I still have five at home - I'm still right with you! I keep picturing my oldest - who just left yesterday - when he was a newborn, or first crawling, or playing a little league game!







:


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint Leaf* 
Wow -- your post sounds so much like mine.
I have been overwhelmingly sad for months now --- I know it may sound silly since most of the momma's here on MDC seem to just be starting their families -- and I am envious .. I would like to start over .. it went top fast









My heart goes out to you Camala .. and that is so cool to go back to school - good for you !!

I don't really have any good advice cause I am going thru the same thing .... and I feel really lost right now









I guess we need someone who has gone through it and has come out the other side









Have you thought about TTC number 2


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
Have you thought about TTC number 2










oh my NO .. I am way to old and also pre-menopause


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