# Show me yours and I'll show you mine



## redhotmama (Nov 7, 2005)

We were at a friend's house for dinner recently. My 7 y/o dd was playing alone, upstairs with a 7 y/o boy. Out of the blue he asked her," Do you wanna see my weiner? If you see it, you have to show me yours too."
My dd replied I would "ground her for ten years" (I don't know where she learned about the punishment of grounding but I am SO glad she was able to use me as an excuse). She said she crawled under the bed till he got distracted and forgot about weiner talk.
1) I am feeling so guilty about not protected her better.
2) I am unsure if this is "normal" 7y/o behavior
3) Should I mention it to the boy's mom whom I know quite well and who will flip for sure?
4) How best to reinforce the right decision my dd made in refusing this exchange? Do I bring it up tomorrw? Have DH talk more with her.

I feel pretty good about the way she told me. She was relaxed, told me as soon as we got home and I gave her my full attention and tried not to look too alarmed. I said "tell me more" and "That must have been really scary to stand up to your friend" and "How do you feel about this?"

Mamas, give me all your wisdom, feedback and advice. This is uncharted territory for me. Having been molested myself, I feel super sensitve and unclear about norms. Thanks in advance


----------



## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

It's absolutely totally normal, and the fact that he didn't push the issue says to me that he does have some idea about boundaries and such, though at 7, some kids don't. My son thinks nothing of being naked around other kids, and thinks its quite funny (it was just normal until some kids reacted like it was funny, now it's his big opening number when new friends come over and he's a little nervous







) but it's all in the spirit of fun. I don't think he's ever asked anyone else to disrobe, and I don't think he would, but it wouldn't really surprise me. I've stressed to him the importance of remaining clothed when we have company, and he seems to finally be getting it, but in a way it makes me sad that it even matters, since he's still such a little boy. I wish people were less concerned about nudity, but since they aren't, we have to respect our guests boundaries, and that takes some learning for a kid who has always just been free to be a nudie.

For what it's worth, I do know kids who are taught to stay covered, sometimes, I'm assuming, with an element of shame or modesty or stranger-vibe or whatever, and they are the first ones to encourage my hammy kid to strip down and streak through the living room. I've witnessed a kid (of a pretty strong religious upbringing) try to get all the kids upstairs to take off their clothes, then when my son stripped down and ran through the party (full of fairly liberal families, so I think he felt comfy in the home, not knowing that these neighbors might not like that) the kid who had talked him into stripping down went and hid behind his mom like he was forever traumatized and she said "it's ok, you don't have to look" ...when moments before, out of her eyesight, he instigated the whole thing.









so I think it's a fine line, teaching kids modesty and respect without shaming them or making them more obsessed with catching a glimpse of the "forbidden zone" as my son jokingly refers to it.









don't know if that helps at all, but I doubt I'd mention it to the kids mom unless you can present it in a way that ensures she KNOWS that you know it's totally normal.

good luck!


----------



## redhotmama (Nov 7, 2005)

Thanks for the support. It is a fine line and so hard to impart to sweet, innocent kids who may, at any time, be subjected to inappropriate advances from someone who is not normal or innocent. I was hoping to hear from a mom of a boy. Thanks!


----------



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

yup pretty normal. across all culture. i remember going thru that when i was young. if it had been my dd and seh told me she had showed i wouldnt feel any concern. i know all her friends (she is 6) and i knew if they asked of her it would be out of curiosity.

for instance i know my dd has no interest coz she has seen both male and femaie genitalia. its those who have not been exposed to it who are curios.

its because i was raped as a 5 year old that i make sure i know the difference between curiosity and something else.


----------



## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

My 6 year old ds recently did this at his friend's house. They are the same age and both boys. They were pulling down the front of their sweatpants and flashing their penises at each other and laughing hysterically.

I heard them from the other room, and I stopped it, and his mom and I gave them the "private parts" talk, and they went about their business.

If my son had been a girl I wouldn't have reacted any differently. It's totally normal for this age group. That's not to say it shouldn't be stopped, but I was not overly concerned about it.

Do you feel your dd was victimized because it was a boy who initiated it? I'm not being snarky, just curious.


----------



## redhotmama (Nov 7, 2005)

No, not victimized at all. They are good friends, he was the dominant I-get-to-choose-the-game-'cuz-this-is-my-house person in the relationship. I just didn't know what was normal for this age, because when I was 7 my mom's boyfriend was always showing me his penis and trying to encourage me to touch it


----------



## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

I see where you are coming from mama.
The comment that you felt guilty for not protecting her better caught my attention. I don't think you could have done anything to prevent what happened, barring not leaving them alone together. It sounds like your dd knew the right thing to do, which means you have been doing something right!

I was sexually abused as a child too. I struggle with making sure ds has enough information and assertiveness to protect himself vs. scaring the crap out of him and being too overprotective.

Since you are friends with this boy's parents, I would mention it to them, so they can have a talk with him about it. Then I would listen in on their play so I could intervene if necessary.

As for your dd, I would make it clear that you are proud of her for saying no, and for telling you about it. Maybe review some scenarios for her to practice saying no and telling an adult. After that, I wouldn't dwell on it.


----------



## dawncayden (Jan 24, 2006)

This happened to me when I was 5 years old with a 5 year old boy.
Back when kids played by themselves with no supervision...
I saw his, he saw mine, then we played something else. It wasn't a big deal at the time. I think I told my mom and she talked to his mom. I think that is when she bought a biology book and we were talking about mens and womens different parts.

I actually look back on that as a fond memory in my childhood


----------



## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

this is kind of my line of wondering too, if it's so common, and we know that every single child will go through it, why do we feel the need to stop them from doing it and making them feel that it's private? If it's two kids who are friends, why is it a problem?

dawn, I had the same experience, but could NEVER have told my parents, and I was quite ashamed by the time I got to be about 8 or so, thinking that I was not a virgin because my friend and I had rubbed our bits together when we were 5!









I just don't want to instill a fear of sexuality in my kids. I don't really think that avoiding sexual abuse has anything to do with teaching about bodily privacy, it's more about empowerment and respect and being assertive if ANYTHING makes you uncomfortable. I don't want my kids to be ashamed of their feelings, or of being curious, or of exploring with other kids, or as they get older, with friends or boyfriends, etc. I just want them to be in control of what they do, and somehow stepping in all the time when they're kids seems counter-intuitive to me... I was having an issue with some of the games my opposite sex, close in age kids were playing, but it really hit me that it is MY issue -- just because to my adult eye it looks like they're being sexual, they really aren't, they're being silly and goofy and laughing like crazy and that's really the only way kids can explore it when they're young. I feel like limiting them at this innocent stage might create more issues down the road, but at the same time I'd hate for them to feel awkward around each other when they're teens, thinking back to their silly times as young kids...

I'd love to hear from moms who had a close in age sibling (I didn't) who wouldn't mind sharing how early "sexual" exploration affected them as they grew...


----------



## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

My 6yo neice has offered this up to ds, but he is either clueless or just plain distinterested. I mean, he thinks his penis is just the funniest thing out there, but connecting it with boy/girl play hasn't ocurred to him. But based on my experience with this age group, I would say that it is totally normal.


----------



## sagemomma (Jul 12, 2008)

*sigh*
boys and thier penises... i don't think it get's better as they get older either lol
it is normal, we did it when we were kids. i wouldn't worry i'd just supervise them a little more closely. i would worry a bit about why she felt the need to hide and was afraid. i'm not sure if that is a normal reaction to the situation for a young child. i might investigate that a bit. HTH


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My goodness if all the boys who had shown me their "weens" and who saw my vulva at the age of 6 or 7 got together . . . LOL. Just showing? No big deal at all. That's just simple curiosity. Kids that age really notice how they're different than the other gender and they want to sneak a peek.


----------



## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

My dd is 5 and is pretty into her body and would be thrilled if her friends would just get naked with her and play. I do tell her that her private parts are hers and her friends (and her brothers') are theirs and not to touch. I try not to freak out about it, but she is definitely bossy and i would hate for her to be pushy with a friend who just tends to go along with things. And, i do worry about what the parents might think. For my super close friends- not an issue, but some others i wonder.

For myself, i was a very sexually explorative child. We did a lot. With friends, with the neighbors. Maybe from age 4 or 5 up to 8 or so? Anyway, i have to say, i never felt uncomfortable. It was exploration. I think it laid the foundation for a healthy sexuality. But i think it's hard terrain to navigate as a parent- finding the balance between giving your child freedom and information as well as boundaries and a healthy sense of sef-preservation.


----------

