# How best to respond to pre-verbal toddler tantrums?



## mom2cash (Sep 24, 2007)

I know this is all just par for the course but lately my 16 mo DS has been acting C-razy. He is teething, frustrated by his lack of words, and dealing with missing his dad who just returned to work this week after 2 months of unemployment. I just wanted to know how other parents of young toddlers respond to tantrums? I have tried holding him and talking calmly but lately I cannot physically hold him... he pushes off of me with his hands and his feet or flings himself backward and claws at my face with his fingernails. When he does this I have to set him down so he won't hurt me or himself. I just want to respond in a way that acknowledges his feelings but at the same time I feel like I need to show him that screaming and hurting me are not the way to communicate. I try to label and sign all the time to him to encourage him to try to talk or communicate in some other way besides YELLING but it really doesn't seem like he's interested at all in trying to convey what he wants.... I can even tell he communicates more with people like my sister or dad that won't just try everything until he stops screaming or doing what we like to call "jell-O legs" if he doesn't want to leave somewhere, go somewhere, or if we take something away from him that is a danger. I'm just at a loss right now and wanted to know how other people were responding to tantrums in pre-verbal children or maybe some reassurances that this is a stage they will grow out of? If it's this bad at 16 months I'm terrified of the terrible twos...


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## Adasmommy (Feb 26, 2005)

I don't know why the twos are so terrible. In my experience (with my one and only dd) hard times come and go. The worst phase was not in her second year! Sometimes she just seems possessed for awhile!

If your ds is not responding to rationality or affection when he's tantruming, I would see if you can safely leave him alone until he gets it out and then he probably will be wanting to cuddle or communicate.

The key, as far as I am concerned, is not to walk away from him with the idea of it's being punishment. I started parenting with the understanding that when my children tantrummed I would make it sternly clear that you don't get what you want when you tantrum, and then they would never tantrum again. Ahem. No. She still tantrums and now I realize that she is not in control of whether she is tantruming and I do not treat it as misbehavior.

So if you leave him alone, do it because it's what you hope will snap him out of it the fastest so that he can feel better! Unfortunately, parents can sometimes be the likeliest trigger for drama so a little distance may be what calms him down. Then accept him with open arms and no resentment when he's ready. That's my advice, anyway


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## wendyland (Apr 5, 2003)

I have 2 older daughters and an 18 mo. It seems like they kind of go in and out of the tantrums. I just act like life is going on as normal. It depends on the situation. If I know something usually sets her off, we try to work around it so she doesn't have as hard of a time. Like last night, we went the mall. She screamed when we left the play area. But, it was late and we needed to get her home to bed. We just picked her up and kindly ushered her into the car. In retrospect, we probably shouldn't have gone to the mall so late or bypassed the play area since it was getting later.

I do find as they get older that as long as I stick to what I say on a consistant basis, that they learn that tantrums are not the way to go.


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## gypsyhips26 (Feb 21, 2008)

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## HoneybeeWaterfall (Dec 12, 2008)

I have a 16 month old DS who is doing the same thing. I don have any advice but my feeling is that he start out mad/frustrated then it escalates and I suspect his feelings are scary to him too. I just try to keep him safe, pat his back and occasionally say something in a reassuring tone until he can reboot himself. I don't feel like it is any thing behavoral at this point, like him trying to get his way or something. So I am not worried about that yet. Of course the tantrum does not get whatever it was that originally set him off so hopefully he will not think it is effective when he becomes that rational.


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## Danielle13 (Oct 31, 2007)

Usually I remove Valley from the situation and sit by her and put my hand gently on her tummy and say very calmly "Valley, thats now how we act when we get mad (or insert other feeling here) ok? Mommy knows your mad because you want X (or whatever she's mad about), and I'm sorry that you feel this way, I know its hard. But would you be happy with Y instead?"

Usually she'll ask please for Y and happy with it, or she stops tantruming when I tell her thats not how we act.

I'm sure I won't be so fortunate for much longer


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## Niamh (Jan 17, 2005)

You've gotten some really good advice so far. With the situation as you described it (teething, missing daddy - very probably going through a mental developmental stage that you can't recognize until it manifests), he is a very overwhelmed child. He is in absolutely no control of these huge, overwhelming emotions he's feeling - and that has to be very, very scary for him.

It's absolutely natural that he doesn't react as strongly with those he's not as attached to. He doesn't feel as safe to 'let go' with them as he does with you.

With flailing, I would take it situation by situation. If it 'felt' like my daughter needed the physical comfort, I'd hold her tight. If it 'felt' like she just needed to flail while I was near, I'd let the jell-o legs take her to the floor (or the thrown back head) gently and then sit near her while she let it all out physically. If it felt like she needed to not even have me witness it, I'd step into the other room. That only happened once, when she was screaming that she wanted to be alone.

It's really hard to channel the rage when it gets so overwhelming for them. Can you see these coming on? Is there any way to begin channeling, labeling or recognizing it before it hits full-blown rage or are these episodes coming on pretty fast these days?


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## Karrie42 (Apr 19, 2008)

mom2cash,

I can relate! I had no idea the tantrums were going to start this early (our little guy, Gabe, is 14 months.)

The last month or so Gabe has been crying when he is upset, but a simple 'what do you want?' or "what happened' seemed to work just fine. When we told him he couldn't have something, a simple distraction would halt the tears. It looks like those simpler days are over!

However, out of no where, Gabriel threw three tantrums today, the last one in the bathtub. I know it's helpful for kids to have a transition activity, so we have always watched the water go down the drain before he got out of the tub. There was no reason for the tantrum (as far as I could see) except for the fact that he didn't want the bath to end. I told him it was time to get out and he started crying. I said it again and he threw his bath toy! When I laid him down on the towel he cried and arched his back. He was a very mad little boy!

I tried to give him some words to describe what he was feeling 'you're mad' and then just let let him cry while I dressed him. As soon as he quieted down I sang one of his favorite bath songs 'head, shoulders, knees and toes' and all was right with the world. Oy.

Hang in there!


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## mom2cash (Sep 24, 2007)

Thanks for all the advice... after posting this I realized it probably would have been more appropriate in the "Parenting" forum rather than GD because I really am not trying to punish him or anything for his actions during tantrums, I just wanted to know what was the best way to respond that would validate his feelings without encouraging the tantrums. Yesterday he threw a 20 minute tantrum in public where I just COULD NOT calm him down. I'm sure I look like a horrible mother to set him down while he is tantruming but I literally cannot physically handle him- he is 30+ lbs. and way stronger than any kid I've ever seen his age. I don't want to risk him flailing out of my arms onto the concrete. I am just overwhelmed... I feel like I do everything to make him feel extremely secure and yet he still even in every day interaction is aggressive with me. If I don't BF him every 5 freaking minutes (literally. he sips and turns away and then comes back over and over again) he screeches, hits, tries to pull my shirt up. Refuses any food or water but is content to BF all day. When I'm trying to put him down to sleep at night, he kicks me and crawls over me and pushes off me with his feet. He is also *constantly* trying to pinch or scratch me while nursing.... I have tried for MONTHS and MONTHS to redirect/show gentle touch and stop this but it still continues. He's not even being aggressive when he does this, he just wants to pinch my skin. GAH! And after all this Daddy will come in and he'll spontaneously give him kisses and hugs... something he never does with me. It's good to know there are others in the same boat but I feel like I'm missing something. Where did my sweet boy go?


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## Sasharna (Nov 19, 2008)

Oh, mama... I have been in a similar spot.

With regard to the trantrums, please be reassured that many kids experience a need to work through their emotions in this way. If he refuses to be comforted, you are not failing in any way. And I know from experience that it hurts when your own kid doesn't want to hug you, but it doesn't mean you've provoked this. Try not to care what strangers think when he is throwing a tantrum in public (easier said than done, I know!). You are doing the best possible for him, and you are the only one who knows your son this well!

I do wonder if he might benefit from some limits in regard to nursing. I am not suggesting that you stop nursing or refuse to nurse him on demand, but it sounds like he is being disrespectful of your body and it doesn't have to be like that. If he knows the hand sign for "milk" or some other gentle way to express his desire to nurse, I really think it's okay for you to insist that he asks in this way (and refuse to let him nurse when he asks by grabbing, demanding, or hurting you). Likewise, it is just fine to set him down and end a nursing session each time he pinches or otherwise hurts you. Even if a pinch is absent-minded rather than aggressive, it still hurts...


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## Tsubaki (Dec 26, 2007)

I'm right there with you. My 14-month-old is SO FRUSTRATED with all the things he can't do or have, it seems like there are a hundred disappointments each day.







It's good to hear from others going through the same thing, because I find myself wondering, "why is my little one so unhappy with life?" I find myself wondering if there's one thing I'm doing wrong, or that I could do differently, to make things easier. But deep down, I know that this is just a phase and we're doing everything we can, and mostly it just will take time.

This article was posted in another thread about tantrums. If you haven't read it, I really recommend it.

http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr.../tantrums.html


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## Kyyrah (Jan 15, 2009)

What really seems to help my son's tantrums is if I stop and give my FULL attention to him. I sit down somewhere in the immediate vicinity, look interested, and just wait silently for a while. That is if all else fails (distraction, comforting, etc.). 9 times out of 10 DS will work through it and come to me for a hug at the end.


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