# How active or inactive are grandparents in your children's lives?



## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

How actively involved are grandparents in your children's lives?

Do they help care for the children? Babysit? Provide emergency back up care? Visit often? Visit sometimes? Visit infrequently?

Attend birthdays? Spend holidays together? Go on trips together? Go on day outings together?

Send a birthday gift, send a birthday card, telephone? Send Christmas gifts, attend school activities?

All of these things and more? None of these things?

If grandparents aren't involved, why do you think they aren't? Too elderly? Not interested? Strained relationship? Not healthy for kids? Not retired and still working? Too busy? Other?

I'm very curious about the dynamics. How much assistance do you get in raising your kids from your children's grandparents? Is it more your own parents or partner's parents?

Do you wish grandparents were involved more or less?


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

My child's grandparents aren't too involved. One side is not present at all because they are not healthy people themselves and their lives are too chaotic at this point.

The other set of grandparents visits once in a while for short visits. They send gifts for birthdays and holidays. They talk on the phone sometimes. They are more elderly, but not too old, and they are also retired and have the time.

We do not have any help in raising our child, we do pretty much everything between DH and myself. Most of the time that works ok, but there are times when we could use a trusted family member as back up.


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## runnerbrit (May 24, 2006)

The grandparents on both sides are *very involved. They see them on an almost daily basis. They come to all of their games (basketball). Take them on trips to museums, the beach, etc.

Extended family is the reason we live where we do. It is important to my husband and I that out kids have a large support network and our families provide a great one.







*


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## hizey (Apr 27, 2007)

Our parents are very actively involved in our children's lives. They babysit, provide emergeny backup, call, vacation with us, take trips to the zoo, botanical gardens, etc., come to birthday parties, have sleepovers, spend holidays with us. My dh and I are both fortunate in that our parents are still very young (early 50's). My parents farm and my dh's mom is retired so they all have flexible schedules that allow them to be as involved as they want to be. My dh and I both grew up with very involved grandparents, and I am so very happy that the tradition is continuing. We are also fortunate that our families support the way we are raising our children. My mom and mother -in- law both practiced extended breastfeeding when my dh and I were children (1970's), they co-slept, cloth diapered, and my in-laws practiced gentle discipline. So, when our children spend time with them, they do all the things we do (minus breastfeeding







. We truly love raising our children in a large extended family environment.

michelle


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Both grandfathers are dead, both grandmothers live on different continents, so obviously they are not much involved with our kids except when we visit them.

as far as my mother's relationship with the children of my siblings (who range in age from 26 to 3) she has never babysat, generally expects to be visited rather than visit, in fact was never much involved at all. She does read to the two youngest nieces when she goes to stay with my youngest sister. But in general, her attitude was that she'd done her duty bringing up her own kids, and that was that. In a way I can understand that.

However, she has little respect for the fact that my siblings are busy with their own families and that she is not the top priority. My mother has never, in the 20 years I have been living in the US, phoned me. If, however, I let a week pass without phoning her, she would be telling everyone how bad I am. She NEVER calls any of my siblings, even though it would not be a long distance call. As far as she is concerned, it is her kids' duty to call her. She would go for weeks and never pick up the phone to call and see is everything all right, just b*tch to the other siblings about how bad X is for not calling her. Everyone is to call, visit, put her before their own kids, etc. It gets old. She has an excuse now, she is 85, but she was the same 25 years ago when my oldest nephew was a baby.


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## Murihiku (Oct 2, 2008)

One set lives an 8 hour drive away and the other set lives a 24 hour flight away.

We pay the price for the careers we chose.


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## grniys (Aug 22, 2006)

Very inactive.

They live a few thousand miles away and while one set is so busy we just barely manage to email occasionally, and the other grandma is very toxic and we don't want her around our kids.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hizey* 
My mom and mother -in- law both practiced extended breastfeeding when my dh and I were children (1970's), they co-slept, cloth diapered, and my in-laws practiced gentle discipline.


Wow. Very, very neat.


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

My parents visit us a handful of times a year, usually watch dd without us once during a visit, we travel to see them once a year for about a week (6 hours away). DH's family we see either or both of his parents maybe once a month, but we usually have to go to see them (30 minutes away) They've watched dd once in the two years.
Birthdays and holidays everyone is pretty consistent about coming over or sending something or making a special visit later. Trips or outings happen all together with my parents during a visit, usually. DH's family sometimes, and we usually have to invite them about that.?

My parents, I feel, have the amount of involvement I expect. I mean, they live 6 hours away and my dad still works. But we visit and talk on the phone pretty regaurly. When they visit, they're very actively involved and offer a lot of general household help including watching and entertaining dd.

My dh's parents, I think the most frustrating issue about their involvement (more an issue with MIL than FIL) is that she talks A LOT about wanting to do x or z and wanting to see dd more and spend time with her and 'she never gets to see her' yet they do not invite us over, they don't let us know they're available and would like to come to our place (except for calling the same day they want to come, when we have often happenned to be out somewhere). FIL does have a lot of health issues, and is better at meeting us places sometimes and sharing the getting together. MIL is difficult to get a hold of except when she wants to do something and then we hear a lot of griping if we have something else to do or are otherwise unavailable. She doesn't really rearrange her schedule for us in any way. She also generally feels that we won't ever let dd go out with her by themselves and etc. I don't know if that's related to her level of involvement (FWIW we do have issues with child-dangerous areas in their house, where she smokes in the house but says she doesn't, I have issues that she hit and raged on my dh as a kid and I question her judgment)

I think her expectation is that we drop dd off at her house whenever she is around and let her do and treat her however she wants to.

Like I said, this has been pretty frustrating for both dh & I especially as he works full-time and goes to school, we'd really hoped for more support (and heck, I really could use more support from anyone) and in spite of the fact they talk about it so much it really isn't there. We wish we lived closer to my folks sometimes instead cause I'm sure they would be helping us more, just being available more. (Though, I don't know I'd really want to be so close to my folks, ha!)


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## Engineering_Mama (Jun 24, 2008)

Depends on the grandparent. My mom moved in with us to take care of DD when I went back to work. So she's _very_ involved.







I love having someone I trust so much take care of DD. And my mom is really good about letting us do things are way and following my lead on how we want to parent DD. My dad lives ~800 miles away. But he flew out when DD was 4 wks old, just to see her. Which was a big deal because he's not the type to just come visit. If if need his help, he'll be here in a heart beat and work his butt off. But he's not the visiting type. I talk/e-mail him every couple of weeks and he always wants to hear how DD is. Even the stupid silly stuff. And he sends *great* presents. DH's father passed when DH was young. DH's mother came to visit once after DD was born and behaved so badly that she won't be invited back. That may sound harsh but I will NOT subject my DD to her abusive behavior again. Ever. DH is just gratefull I'm no longer insisting we keep in touch with her. Oh and he says DD will never wear the outfits his mother sent for Christmas. Fine by me. I'll re-gift them or donate them. So at our house its a mixed bag.

Oh, and while its not grandparents like OP asked, my brother lives with us and actually helps out with DD quite a bit. There were a few nights early on where UncleP saved everyone's sanity.


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## emaye_to_2 (Jan 16, 2008)

So many questions!

Both my parents and my husband's parents live on the East Coast while we live on the West Coast. That means that they do not physically help us on a daily basis. However, every vacation we've ever taken since having kids has been to visit family. Those have never been especially relaxing vacations tho because even tho my parents say they'll take care of the kids, they really can't do it for more than an afternoon.. due to being elderly, not having young kids around much.

My parents send lots of gifts (small toys, clothing) and education materials (magazines, books) to the kids all the time. And they come out to visit once a year.

DH's parents show their love and support in different ways, not through material objects. But they have only been out to visit us once in eight years.

My children know and love their grandparents well for being so far away. They talk on the phone and we just got a camera so they can video chat.


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## mama_ani (Aug 2, 2007)

My mother is very involved (as was my dad when he was alive.) We have lunch/spend the afternoon together every Sunday after going to church together. She looks after my children whenever we ask, it's not often, but she is always willing. She takes my older children shopping, alters their clothes, is teaching my 12 year old to sew and is always welcoming them for visits when she isn't at work. She is a very involved Oma to my children. In an emergency my mom is there to help in any way. We spend holidays with her and she took the oldest three away on a special trip each this past summer. Sometimes I feel bad that we don't visit more, but by the time she is home from work it's too late for me to take the kids out during the winter. We visit more often in the spring/summer/fall.

My husband's parents are not involved in our lives really. We see them rarely (5 times in just about 2 years) usually just family obligation occasions (weddings, baptisms etc.) This is our choice. Without getting into the entire story, they are just not people we want to spend time with nor do we want them influencing our children. There have been behaviours that are harmful to our children and we have to protect them from that. It's sad but the way it has to be.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

my parents have not yet seen my youngest (now 8 months) they saw my other children on occassion. Others have paid for them to visit HERE in the past, and I have paid to go visit them in NJ but its not an option right now. planes fly both ways, and they arent the only people in the world short on cash. if they want to see their grandkids they can. of course, now me and my mom arent talking anyway...


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Both our families live 7 hours away (but in the same town). They don't provide any help, because they are not in our area.

My parents visit and send birthday cards and gifts. His parents don't visit, and sometimes send birthday cards and gifts. We only see them when we visit our hometown, which we normally do twice a year.

When we are in our hometown, both sets of grandparents are happy to watch the kids for an afternoon or an evening.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

My parents are not very involved, which is partly by my own choice and partly because they are extremely self-centered and can't be bothered to show that they care about their grandchild, let alone DH and me.

DH's parents are extremely involved and absolutely smitten with our son, and we see them whenever we can. They live about a seven-hour drive from us and we spend summer weekends/vacations together at a summer property that's about 3.5 hours from where we live. I adore them.

It's a shame about my parents but I gave up on having normal, loving, caring parents a long time ago, and I refuse to subject my baby to their antics. Their loss.


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

My parents (mom, step-dad and dad) live about 2 hours away. They are very active in the kids' (and our) lives. If dh and I need to do some work here at the house, the kids will go stay with my parents for a weekend. We meet halfway so neither of us has to drive too far. My mom and step-dad live 5 minutes from my dad, so the kids go back and forth while they're there and spend the night with whomever they wish. They also will come and stay here if dh and I need to go out of town and the kids have school or activities they can't miss. We see them at nearly every major holiday, and in the summer the kids and I will go to my parents' for a week at a time. My dad also takes dh, the kids and me on vacation every summer. Sometimes he'll also the kids and me on a mini-vacation when dh can't get away from work. So, I suppose I've got it pretty good!







They've been pretty busy helping my sister since she had twins right before Christmas.







: So, we haven't seen as much of them. Plus, in the winter the weather can be tricky between here and there. We live on one side of the Appalachians, and they're on the other.

Dh's dad isn't involved at all and he lives about an hour away. Dh's mom would be very involved, but she lives 8 hours away.


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## SquishyBuggles (Dec 19, 2008)

My parents live in our town, within a mile of us. They spend a lot of time with the kids, they usually pick my oldest (4.5) up from school one day per week and they keep her for a few hours. I'm still not comfortable with dd2 being away for long, but they have taken her for a few hours a few times as well. We go to their house a lot, usually a few times per week. We have birthday parties at their house. They completely spoil the girls like crazy.

My ILs live about 30 miles away. We see them every Sunday....we go to the same church, and afterwards we have lunch at their house. They are much less involved with the kids...they don't babysit or anything like that. I think a big part of it is that they're still pretty youngish (early 40s) and have younger kids...11 and 17. My parents just have grandkids, my brother and I are grown ups! Heh.


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## angie7 (Apr 23, 2007)

My parents do all of the above. They are very much involved in my kids' lives. While I'm happy that my kids have that type of relationship with their gparents, personally, it's too much for me. My mother completely undermines my parenting and it drives me crazy all the time. I'm so stressed out on the days that she is here and if I tell her not to come, it hurts her feelings and I hear about that too....

My inlaws are not over here much and only attend bdays parties.


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## FiveLittleMonkeys (Jan 21, 2009)

My parents definitely love our kids, but as we live thousands of miles and a 10 hour flight away from them, they don't see them more than once a year. Even when I lived in the same town, they were involved, but not daily. I think that they are people who enjoy the idea of being grandparents, but don't want to spend more than a few days with the kids. They send birthday gifts and Christmas gifts, and call to talk to the kids several times a month.

My in-laws have never seen our youngest child, who is 7 1/2. It's been almost 9 years since we've seen them. They are extremely toxic people, and dh and I finally had to say, "Enough." It's sad, but they have made it more than clear that they aren't interested.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Engineering_Mama* 
My dad lives ~800 miles away. But he flew out when DD was 4 wks old, just to see her. Which was a big deal because he's not the type to just come visit. If if need his help, he'll be here in a heart beat and work his butt off.

So sweet.


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peainthepod* 

It's a shame about my parents but I gave up on having normal, loving, caring parents a long time ago, and I refuse to subject my baby to their antics. Their loss.











I hear you. This is how I am with at least one of my parents. The other one I hold out some hope for.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 









I hear you. This is how I am with at least one of my parents. The other one I hold out some hope for.









I hope the other parent comes through. It sucks being an orphan, if only spiritually. I am SO lucky to have my in-laws. They are amazing.







:


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## That Is Nice (Jul 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *peainthepod* 







I hope the other parent comes through. It sucks being an orphan, if only spiritually. I am SO lucky to have my in-laws. They are amazing.







:

Hmmm...I've never really thought of myself as an ophan, but I guess in some ways that is how it is. I'm glad I'm an adult orphan, though, and I know that children who truly are orphaned have a really tough life.

I wish my inlaws were amazing, and perhaps that is why I put so much stock in that relationship...I should have just let it be what it was years ago, but I guess I just really hope that my child will have a good, solid relationship with grandparents. I wish it didn't matter to me so darn much.


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## Shera971 (Nov 26, 2008)

We have a great relationship with both sets of grandparents.

Sadly my dad passed away before DS was born, but my mom has been wonderful. She watches DS one day a week while I work and will baby sit any time. When I was home from the hospital after giving birth with a broken tailbone, she stayed for two weeks just to help out.

DH's parents are also great. For the winter months they are in Florida (we live in Ontario) but they send a letter every week and we usually call every Sunday. When they are in Ontario they are abouut 2 hours away but have taken DS on sleep overs and would drop everything to come to our house if needed.

Overall I feel very blessed to have such a great family!


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

Before we moved both sets of grandparents were very active. My parents babysat two days a week during fall term and winter term while I was lecturing (each term is about 13 weeks long). DH's parents provided back up care, plus we visited DH's parents at least twice a week. We definitely had a lot of family help.

Now that we're really far from the grandparents we do visits. DH's parents don't travel well. They tend to come for shorter visits. My mom usually stays for three weeks when she comes. So far, we've taken the kids back east twice. Once for eight days which was really too short for such a big trip, and again at Christmas for two and a half weeks. We stay with DH's parents when we visit.

I talk to my parents daily and the kids will often get on the phone for a couple minutes. DH's parents don't generally call. They prefer to pressure DH over email and IM to move back to where we used to live. I remind myself that as annoying as it is they just miss the kids.

I'm happy with the level of involvement we have. We have our moments, but generally, the grandparents have been very positive in the lives of our children.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

MIL: helps out occasionally.

FIL: comes to visit once a year. May or may not mail b-day cards.

My parents: We'll see them a few times a year, and they'll mail b-day presents.

I don't really care that they're not more involved.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

We live with my mom. She helps out when I need her to, meaning when I have a dentist appointment. She'd hold ds while I took a shower when he was a baby. She'll read him a book or something if he asks. So she's available but not that active, if that makes sense. She doesn't WANT to babysit but will if needed. So I don't ask lightly. We have a good relationship with her. She gives ds birthday and Christmas presents.

We had contact with MIL until ds was 2 1/2. She stopped trying to have a relationship with ds after she and dh stopped talking.

FIL was never part of ds's life because of his relationship with dh. But I'll give him credit for sending cards and putting forth more effort than MIL (they're divorced).

ETA My dad died before ds was born.


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## Breeder (May 28, 2006)

Both my parents and dh's parents live 2.5 hrs away (in opposite directions).

My parents are pretty involved. My mother and father talk to the boys at least once a week on the phone (yes even the little one) and they come for a visit about every other month. They have attended every birthday and we are together every other holiday (we switch back and forth for Thanksgiving and Xmas so we spend a holiday with each side of the family). They send cards, buy gifts, and generally do their best to spoil my kiddos rotten (at times to my dismay... who wants ice cream before dinner??!!) They are up to date on all things about the kids and their house is covered in pictures (my sister is a professional photographer so we have tons of beautiful photos







)

Dh's parents are not as involved. They are divorced so we also have a Step Father in Law. MIL keeps up to date with them via email (as in she emails me not the kids directly), she emails about once a month. FIL calls every couple of months to check in. They both have been to every birthday party. They give gifts and send cards.

However, MIL has no photos of the boys displayed. They have been sent photos, but none are out. Well, truthfully one of DS1 when he was about 3months old is out along with all of her children (there are five siblings) but that's it, despite being sent school photos and pics my sister shoots. She has pics of Dh and all of his siblings, of SFIL's kids but none of the grandkids. I think it's kind of odd. Probably because my parent's place has at least 6 photos of my boys up.


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## Tangled Hill (Jun 6, 2008)

Hubby's parents aren't involved at all. Apparently, they choose not to be. They didn't even send a card when he was born. Not even a telephone call. They knew and chose to ignore his existence. No biggie. I've only met his father (who's okay, I guess, but who still chooses to be completely uninvolved), but from what he's told me of everyone else, I think I'd truly dislike most of hubby's relations, anyway.

My parents live in town and are involved. They watch son from time to time and we celebrate birthdays and holidays with them. He sees them on a regular basis (usually at least once a week).


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## Biscuits & Gravy (Jul 17, 2008)

The only living grandparents are on my side. My mom, stepdad, dad, and stepmom. All four are very active in our sons' lives. Well, until tomorrow when we move out of state. Up until now they've seen them all the time, almost weekly. My mom has taken care of DS1 for one day a week since he started daycare. She just wants to spend time with him.

Now that we're moving away we'll obviously see less of them, but they will still be very active in our lives. Many trips are already booked to visit, and we are getting webcams. We may be far apart but we'll remain close.

We are very, very blessed in the grandparent department and we absolutely realize that.


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## mrspineau (Jan 15, 2008)

well, my husbands parents are great with ds. his mother is ill and can't really watch him by herself, but she loves to interact with him and shows a lot of interest in him. his father doesnt watch him much at all, just if we REALLY need him. My mom is great with him, but doesn't really watch him much unless I have something major that I have to do and dh has to work or something. my father has only seen him a handful of times and doesnt come over to visit, although when we speak on the phone, he says he "longs" to see him. he lives down the street.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

My ILs see my kids on a routine basis and have a good relationship with them. They are absolutely no help whatsoever with actually taking care of them and never have been. None. My mom is dead and my dad remarried. They phone occasionally, but don't have anything but a cordial, distant relationship with my kids. Certainly they would never offer to help. Both sets of parents live about three miles away.

I think in both cases it stems from burnout with them having huge families themselves. I think they just experienced enough childhood with their own children to last a lifetime. They would loathe babysitting and don't have any interest in the day to day stuff. Our kids are some of the younger of the hordes of grandchildren. They were a little better with some of the older cousins when they were babies, but not much. They are at a stage in their lives where they have nice houses and nice things, and there's not much room for kids to be kids.

I've made peace with it. I used to have a bit of angst about it, but it's pointless.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
How actively involved are grandparents in your children's lives?

Do they help care for the children?

My in laws did before mil died 2 mos ago. She would arrange to take the kids for a week at school breaks and a few times over the summer.

My parents live out of state, so I won't include them in this.

Quote:

Babysit?
Yes, on occasion. Since we live an hour and a half away, it was seldom.

Quote:

Provide emergency back up care?
Not in the sense that our regular sitter couldn't make it, but sometimes mil would combine a trip to our city for shopping and watching the kids for us.

Quote:

Visit often? Visit sometimes? Visit infrequently?
It was about once a month, sometimes more, depending on their work schedule.

Quote:

Attend birthdays? Spend holidays together?
We don't celebrate, but they would attend virtually anything we invited them to, unless their work schedule conflicted.

Quote:

Go on trips together? Go on day outings together?
Not trips, but day outings.

Quote:

Send a birthday gift, send a birthday card, telephone? Send Christmas gifts, attend school activities?
Nothing holiday or birthday related, but my il's did attend school functions if their schedule allowed for it. There was a grandparents breakfast at school and my kids wanted them to go, so they made a special trip.

Quote:

If grandparents aren't involved, why do you think they aren't? Too elderly? Not interested? Strained relationship? Not healthy for kids? Not retired and still working? Too busy? Other?
My parents talk on the phone w/ my kids but don't get to visit much, as it's quite costly.

Quote:

Do you wish grandparents were involved more or less?
I wish my parents could be involved more but I accept that they can't.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

My parents and my sister both babysit our kids, either at our house or at theirs, and they've done a couple sleepovers. We celebrate birthdays and holidays together and get together periodically just to hang out. We're all pretty close. They don't do a lot of gifts (i.e. clothes and toys) for the kids because they know we have enough and we don't have a lot of storage in our house, but my parents have started college savings accounts for each kiddo and put money in every birthday and Christmas, and we do activities together rather than focus on "stuff."

My MIL babysits the kids sometimes at our house, but they don't go to her house without one of us because it's not very kid-proof. We celebrate some holidays and birthdays together and she always gets the kids birthday presents. She loves them very much but she has a chaotic life, so at times there are gaps in how often we see her.

We cut contact with my FIL when our youngest was a baby and neither one seems to remember him. Neither asks about him. We're polite if we see him, but the kids are never alone with him and we aren't encouraging a relationship. When we have his address, we send him a Christmas card with photos of the kids. He hasn't pursued a relationship with them since he and MIL got divorced and we stopped inviting him to our house. Previously, he never made any attempt to bond with them, although he would show up at their birthday parties and Christmas with gifts and make the attempt to be social.


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## TinyMama (Sep 4, 2007)

My parents: live 1 mile away, watch DD 3 days a week for 3 hours each day while I work, vacation with us, buy awesome gifts and any practical things we need without us having to ask, speak to me/DD on the phone daily, have millions of pictures up, offer to babysit extra on the weekends so we can go out, and are basically more than wonderful. They miss her terribly when they don't see her for more than 2 days.







DH and I absolutely trust them with any and all decisions relating to her, and we do usually discuss important decisions with them (my whole family is like that, fwiw...we're very communal). I do realize they sound totally smothering, but in actuality it's not that kind of relationship at all.









My IL's: ask to watch DD but don't show much of an interest in her when we're all together, so I feel uneasy, are extremely different from us in terms of politics/religion and regularly spew toxicity related to those subjects in front of DD, buy overpriced weird gifts (for xmas, I requested a plush Ernie for DD. They bought her Elmo Live, which terrifies her







), and insist we spend at least several holidays with them per year. We do, b/c DH tries hard to have a decent relationship with them and his younger brothers. We drive 30 min. to their house at least once a month, and although they would be welcome to come here, they prefer to gripe that we don't visit enough (and never, ever visit us).

I know how lucky I am to have my parents, and I don't sweat the IL's. DH has adopted my family as his own, but he continues to feel sad a/b his issues w/his own family.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

Our kids are the 25th and 26th grandchildren on dw's side, but you wouldn't know by the relationship. dw's parents are pretty involved. Not pushy involved, but they appreciate frequent visits and though they are elderly and have a difficult time traveling, will even come up our way if it has been too long. We do family overnights at their house a couple times a month so we can spend a couple days over there (it is a 1.5-2 hour drive, and our kids *hate* car rides, so we'd rather spend more time there if we are going to make the drive).

My parents live many states away. They've seen ds only two or three times and met dfd only once. However, we call them weekly and sometimes even more frequently, and the kids always talk on the phone with them. My mom is really close with my nephews, who lived until a couple months ago just a block from my parents' house and now live a mile away, and I do sometimes wonder if she would be as close to my kids if they were there (being as they aren't the first of the grandchildren). But I try to trust that she would be.


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## soccermama (Jul 2, 2008)

Both sets of grandparents live 30 minutes away in opposite directions. I would say that my parents are a little bit more involved than my IL's only because they have more flexible schedules, but each set of grandparents have always had an active role in DS's life since day one. We are extremely grateful for everything that they've done!


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## St. Margaret (May 19, 2006)

My parents visit when they can. That's once every two months right now. They live far away









My ILs see DD probably once a week on average. I get a break when MIL comes over to play weekly, and sometimes we do stuff together on the weekends. I think it's great DD loves her grandparents SO much. We do have to navigate differences in lifestyles/parenting here and there since they are such a big part of her life. My mom luckily is a total AP crunchy nut like me, and my dad really just says hi and watches DD play







. My parents DO for us when they come, too, and get their time with DD. The ILs mostly play with DD but that can be a nice break these days.

I don't have any expectation of help from grandparents, btw. BUT it is super nice to get it! I do feel that if they are going to come when a child is young (newborn especially), they need to help out if they want to visit


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

2 1/2 yrs ago we moved from Chicago to Florida to be closer to our parents. Mine are 15 minutes away and MIL is an hour (FIL died 2 yrs ago) away.

My folks are as involved as you can get and we love them for it. I have a wonderful and loving relationship with them, as does DH, so their participation and involvment is terribly important to us. My parents provide back up babysitting, weekend babysitting, stop by a few times a week, pick up DD from school when we're too busy, come over for dinner, we go there, etc. We vacation together, spend holidays together and I wouldn't have it any other way. If something were to happen to DH and I, my parents would take custody and raise the girls.

My MIL lives an hour away and still works so we don't see her as much. But she goes out of her way to help when we need her (takes days off of work, drives up after work and back in the morning, etc.). She loves our children but she just doesn't have as much time. And that's ok-we understand. She makes great efforts to see us even if that means she uses her only day off to come up and stay with the girls if we need her.

We are so incredibly blessed to have beautiful relationsips with our familes.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

My kids have three "sets" of grandparents - my mom & stepdad, my dad, and my in-laws. One group at a time:

*My mom & stepdad:* Always available for emergencies, unless they're out of town (occasionally travel on business, and also spend about one weekend a month at their vacation place). Mom calls to talk to me about once a week. I call her more often. Unless she's literally on her way out the door, she always has time for dd and/or ds2 to talk to her while we're on the phone. She visits fairly infrequently, but we're always welcome to visit _her_, and generally do so about once a week. We have dd and ds2's birthday parties at her house, so they obviously always see her on their birthdays - if the party is a different day, then she calls with happy birthday wishes. DS1 is older, so his parties tend to be teen-only. Mom takes the older kids (ds1 and nephews) out shopping and they pick out their own gift. She says buying gifts for teenagers is hard, and she likes the one-on-one time.

Mom (and stepdad, if it's not during the day) will rearrange her schedule, when possible, to babysit if we need her. I haven't mentioned my stepdad much, but he's also always willing to help with/visit the kids, and loves having them come over. They're happy to take them overnight. They're tremendously involved with the grandkids...at least mine. Not so much with the others, but it's a two-way street, and neither of my siblings really make much effort to sustain the grandchild/grandparent relationship. I'm really impressed with how much effort mom and my stepdad put in. They're both 65, so it's not like they're young and full of energy for dealing with little kids.

*My dad:* Dad's...hard to describe. He's a long-term alcoholic, and workaholic. He was more-or-less forced into retirement a few years ago. He's broke, and doesn't have a vehicle, anymore. He rarely drinks, because he doesn't have the money. This means he's more emotionally available than he's been in about 25 years. He loves it if I bring the kids by to visit, and enjoys spending time with them if we have him over or something. However, he makes no effort at all to maintain contact. I've been shocked the last couple of years, because he's actually called me on my birthday. He's also called on the children's birthdays a couple of times. That's about the limit of his involvement.

*My in-laws:* We live in Vancouver, BC. My in-laws live in Knoxville, TN. There's a limit to how involved they can be. However, they either visit us or make sure we visit them for about a week every year. My MIL sends a card and gift for every birthday and for each of the kids at Christmas. (Christmas for the kids is always one toy/play item and one set of clothing.) We talk to them almost every weekend, and they talk to the kids if they can - they won't push it if the kids don't want to talk, though. DD and ds2 get a card (sometimes addressed to both, and sometimes one each) for Valentines, Easter, Halloween, etc. MIL emails me quite regularly, looking for pictures of the kids. They send us money for back-to-school clothes for ds1 (not their biological grandchild, which shouldn't matter, imo, but it does to some people) every September. Since dd is being homeschooled, they've decided to send her and ds2 a new outfit or two each September, too (on the principle that they shouldn't lose out on nice new clothes, just because they're not in school).

When dh and I got married, we had a second reception in Knoxville. My in-laws sent ds1 a card, telling him that they'd like him to be the "official photographer" for the reception. They just wanted to make sure he felt involved. Whenever we visit them, FIL takes ds1 out to a movie or something at least once. My in-laws treated the _whole family_ to a trip to Disney World (airfare, accommodation, and passes to the theme parks) two years ago. The whole reason for that trip was that ds1 was turning 14, and they thought he might be on the verge of being "too cool" for Disney. They think Disney World is the greatest place in the world, and wanted him to experience it.

So, yeah - I could go on about my in-laws a lot, but suffice it to say they're _amazing_. They can't be any more involved, because they're too far away...but they're as involved as they can possibly be. They're going to visit about a month after the new baby arrives, and I'm sure they'll help out in whatever way they can.

My kids have pretty involved grandparents. I think we're all really lucky. I'm lucky to have the help. My kids are lucky to have the loving attention. My parents and in-laws are lucky to have such awesome grandkids.


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

Extremely active. Babysitting, overnight trips, emergency care, taking trips together, day trips, church, cookie baking etc. My mom lives in the same city and comes to see the boys weekly, she'll usually watch them while I run a few errands. My inlaws live down the street and usually see them a couple times a week. We're going to Florida with them this year (usually it's camping). I'm not really looking forward to it. I like my inlaws, I just also really like having my own door to shoo them out of when it gets too much-they're very finicky, but my kids will love it, I'm sure.


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## Alison's Mom (May 3, 2007)

All 3 living grandparents are very involved.

My parents are really and truly awesome. I can't say enough good things about them, and to think there was a time I couldn't stand them as a teenager! They come over to play with the kids and give me a break 3 half-days a week and bring lunch, too. I can either get a run in, a nap in, or go out to do some errands that are easier to do without children, some of which involve helping out my MIL whose health is not good.

They will babysit and offer to do so, but I feel guilty for asking them too much as they are pretty busy people, being very active in the community, and still working part time / semi retired.

My mom especially, has an incredible rapport with both my kids - she can often get them to do things that I can't, like eat certain vegetables, or put away their toys. She is so patient and loving, and really pays attention to them, as opposed to me who is trying to fold laundry and check my email when I should be playing with them.

My MIL is older and is in failing health, so can't babysit, but clearly loves the kids, and we see her usually twice a week. She likes to buy gifts and give them money and used to read to them a lot, but has failing eyesight now. She still plays with them when she can - DH tries to make sure she is involved with the kids, as it's one of the main positives in her life. She tries as much as she can to be engaging with the kids and they like having her around as well.

DH talks about living in other cities, and family is one of the main reasons that I'm so hesitant to leave where we are! DH's brother and his family is also here, and with their mom needing help, it wouldn't seem fair for us to leave and have his brother have to do it all. . .


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

My parents live 1500 miles away.

My MIL lives 1800 miles away, and my FIL is dead.

By sheer circumstance, they aren't very involved. We see them 3 times a year if things go well (meaning we take 2 trips out and they take one). This year it will probably be 2. My parents are getting on in years (80 and 84), my mom is blind and it's getting harder for her to get around in unfamiliar places. My MIL was recently diagnosed with cancer, and doesn't have the energy to travel.

I would LOVE to have both my parents and my MIL more involved. They're all great people. My parents would babysit, but I wouldn't be comfortable having them do that with a child under about 4, because my dad is just a bit too focused on what he's doing, and my mom can't see.

One of my great sorrows is that my kids won't really know their grandparents. I wish we lived closer. They aren't going to be around that much longer, even if they live to be 100. Add the distance in, and while my kids LIKE the grandparents, they don't really KNOW them.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

My parents are very much involved and usually see my dad once a week, my mom once every couple of weeks. DD often stays with one or the other over night too.

DH's parents call on rare occasions, but for very specific reasons we don't allow them much time to talk with DD. The have chosen not to be involved in our lives any more then they are. There are times we wish they were more involved, but it would just create too many problems.


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## JayGee (Oct 5, 2002)

I'm envious of many of you.

We live in Indiana. My parents live in New Hampshire, too far to take an active role although I know they would if we were closer. They come out here about once a year for a few weeks.

My MIL lives in Georgia. She doesn't travel. We haven't seen her in 3 years. We didn't even get a call at Christmas







.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

I'm going to answer in the quote







To make it difficult (lol) I'm answering with 3 sets of grandparents- paternal grandparents, my parents and dp's parents.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *That Is Nice* 
How actively involved are grandparents in your children's lives?

Do they help care for the children? Paternal Grandparents- never, Maternal Grandma- never (she has he own young children), Maternal Grandpa- has and would still if we hadn't moved away, DP's parents- they live 5 minutes away and do help out alotBabysit? Paternal- never, my mom- never, my dad- did when we lived closer and does/would still if we visit, dp's parents- yes, about once a month or soProvide emergency back up care?dp's parents- yes, all others- no, but all live in a different state Visit often? Visit sometimes? Visit infrequently?paternal grandma sees ds maybe once a year, paternal grandpa hasn't seen ds in.... 3 years? maternal grandparents see ds about every other monthish, whenever we make the long drive to visit. DP's parents see ds at least once, usually 2 or 3 times, per week.

Attend birthdays?dp's parents, yes. paternal- no, never. maternal- if we're in their state- yes Spend holidays together? paternal- no. maternal- yes, if we're in that state. dp's parents- yes.Go on trips together? paternal- never. maternal- no, but we live a couple state away. dp's parents- we've gone on one trip togetherGo on day outings together?paternal- no, never. maternal grandma- no. maternal grandpa- yes. dp's parents- yes

Send a birthday gift, send a birthday card, telephone? Send Christmas gifts,paternal grandparents usually do none of the above. maternal grandparents and dp's parents do all of the above. attend school activitieshave not come across this yet, as ds is only in preschool?

All of these things and more? None of these things?

If grandparents aren't involved, why do you think they aren't? Too elderly? Not interested? Strained relationship? Not healthy for kids? Not retired and still working? Too busy? Other? No idea for paternal grandparents. They've not been involved for most of ds's life. That's just the way it is. I get a random email asking for pictures maybe once or twice a year. Maternal Grandma has kids of her own (she has a 6 year old and a 2 year old, in addition to 5 older kids- 1 preteen and 4 adults). She's as involved as she can be and I know she cares about ds. Maternal Grandpa has always been very involved. He loves ds to death. We used to live with him so ds and he are/were very close. Then ds and I moved 2 states away. DS still talks to him on the phone and we try to visit about 6 times a year. The distance is the only reason why he's not more involved. We live 5 minutes from dp's parents so it's easier for them to be involved.

I'm very curious about the dynamics. How much assistance do you get in raising your kids from your children's grandparents? Is it more your own parents or partner's parents?

Do you wish grandparents were involved more or less? dp's parents are plenty involved







I sometimes wish we lived closer to my parents, as I know ds misses grandpa.


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## NYCVeg (Jan 31, 2005)

Both sets of grandparents live about 4 hours away from us (they live in the same place as each other, but not the same place we do--they socialize together sometimes!). We see them every 4-8 weeks or so, depending on the time of year. About 1/2-2/3 of the time we go to them and the rest of the time they come to us. They would love to be more involved, but the distance makes it hard. MIL sometimes makes comments about how she's not a "real" grandparent because she doesn't see dd all the time (literally every single one of her friends' kids live within a half hour drive of their parents.) We're moving soon and while we still won't be in the same place as them, we will be a bit closer.

When we're visiting, they're happy to babysit in the evenings after dd has gone to sleep or for a couple of hours during the day. Both sets would LOVE to have her longer (they'd take her for a whole weekend), but we don't do that yet because 1) we feel dd is still too young and 2) we don't feel either set can manage her severe food allergies in a way that makes us comfortable.

So far, we've spent every major holiday with one or both families, and we've done birthday parties with them as well. My mom talks to dd on the phone every time she calls.

Both sets go way overboard with gifts. It's really overwhelming and unpleasant. EVERY visit involves gifts, and holidays are completely over the top. They are pretty good about respecting the kinds of things we like, however (no character toys, nothing loud, etc.). One thing that is very helpful, however, is that they do buy a lot of dd's clothes--both grandmothers are the kind of women who see shopping as a hobby/competitive sport.

Dd is absolutely crazy about all her grandparents. When they arrive for a visit or something, she's like a little superball. I do wish they would tone down the presents (and/or put some of that money toward dd's education, where we could really, really use the help), and there are some aspects of their grandparenting that I don't love, but given that they all have a really good relationship with her, it's hard to quibble too much.


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## dongurigal (Aug 5, 2008)

Both sets are as active as our family's life circumstances allow.

DD was born in Canada and I lived with my parents for the first 2 months of her life. Both my mom and dad were great with her--I even had time to take long, hot baths! Lucky me.

We lived in Qatar the last year and my inlaws, who are from France, were able to visit at Christmas and DD's birthday and we have visited their place 2 x too. They babysat her new years night and have watched over her while I've cooked, taken a nap, gone out for a walk.

Both sets would be more involved if we lived closer. We are probably moving to Canada in February about 2.5 hours away from my parents so I'll probably see them a lot--not enough for the 'free babysitting'







, but enough for them to be with their grandchild more than once a year. The inlaws will probably visit and vice versa. (We will probably spend a chunk of the summer in France each year so that DD gets to know her grandparents and her French culture).


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## tabrizia (Oct 24, 2007)

Both sets of Grandparents are very involved in DS' life. My in-laws do see him a bit more often since they only live 30 minutes away, though in total hours it probably comes close to evening out since DS and I go down to visit my parents for a week at a time 3 times a year or so, plus them coming up here to visit.

My in-laws watch DS once a week, give or take so that I can either get a break or so that DH and I can work on stuff we can't do with him here. They will also come up to our house and baby sit him when needed if DH and I have something to attend or I need them to watch him while I have a doctor's appointment. DS sees them at least once a week, sometimes more.

My parents live 800 miles away so they don't do as much babysitting. Though they will watch him whenever it is needed when visiting them or they are visiting us. DS and I go down to their house about 3 times a year for a week, DH comes for one of those occasions normally. We also went on a week long vacation with them last year and will either being going on one or two week long vacations with them this year. They also come up and visit us throughout the year. My Mom does come more often then my Dad, but my Dad normally comes up once or twice a year and my Mom normally comes up 3 to 5 times a year. DS sees them at least every other month, often more often for my Mom.

Both sets of Grandparents attend birthdays and we go on vacation with both of them. Last year we went to India with my in-laws and the beach with my parents. This year we are going to Disney World with my parents and probably won't go on vacation with my in-laws, but they live close enough not to mind either. We spend Christmas day with my in-laws, since my family is Jewish and doesn't celebrate, we spend Thanksgiving with my parents and are normally there for a week. We figure it is a good split of the holidays and it has worked for everyone since DH and I first started dating.

Both sets of Grandparents give DS gifts, my parents tend to give him more such as for days like Valentines day and Halloween, but both sets always buy him birthday and December holiday presents. I think my parents tend to give more gifts since they are further away so see him less. DS is not in school so neither set attends school activities, if we ever do put him in school I am sure my in-laws would attend some of his school activities, it is probably too far for my parents to come though, which is the disadvantage of living further away from them, on the other hand we plan to home school so school activities are not a big deal anyways.

Both sets of Grandparents help out, though my in-laws are a bit more helpful in daily life since they are both retired and have no problem watching DS for us as needed, while my parents can't since they both work and live so far away. That being said, they are both equally involved in DS' life and I really appreciate all the help they do give. I am glad that DS and soon bean have such a good relationship with both sets of Grandparents.


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## funkymamajoy (May 25, 2008)

We live with my parents, so they're very involved in my kids daily lives. They do everything; diapers, fix meals, baths, whatever I need. (I have a 3 week old so I'm frequently on the couch nursing.)

The kids also see their other grandparents (and great-grandparents) on a regular basis as everyone is local.


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## LaLaLaLa (Oct 29, 2007)

My MIL died last year, but before that I would try to take the kids to see her once a week. When she was in the hospital, rehab, and, eventually, hospice, we visited every day. She was fighting cancer for so long, it was never an option for her to babysit or anything, but she loved to see the kids and buy them toys and talk to them about their lives.

My FIL is not really into kids, and that's okay with us. When he visits the kids are all over him and he'll talk to them and play to some degree, but he's kind of awkward with them. We would not expect him to ever be involved in their lives beyond these shallow interactions.

My parents live an hour and a half away, but are very involved in our lives. We stay with them once or twice a month and while we are there my dad loves to involve the kids in any project he's doing--gardening, working on cars, replacing light bulbs, whatever. He thinks that everything my kids do is so delightful, and loves to tell stories about all the funny things they said after the kids are in bed for the night.

My mom, beyond our visits to their house, also meets me and the kids once a week for breakfast or lunch, somewhere halfway between her house and mine. So the kids see her often. She always brings stickers and tiny puzzles.

When DH and I want to see a movie or go out to dinner or whatever, we usually do it while we are at my parents', preferably after our kids are in bed. We hate to inconvenience others and don't feel like my parents should have to do any of the parenting hassles, like disciplining or putting kids to bed. If we asked them to babysit, I'm sure they would. It's just our weird thing that we don't want to ask.

My parents own a condo in Florida, and just this month we all went down together for a week in the warm weather. It was a great vacation, and the kids got lots of special Grammy and Grampy time.

We always see my parents for major holidays, and they always buy birthday cards and gifts and are very much involved in those celebrations.

So, my parents are very much involved in our lives, but not very much with the nitty-gritty caretaking aspect of our kids. We don't want to burden anyone else with our kids, especially people who already raised kids of their own. I'm certain if our circumstances were ever such that we needed babysitting help or other support, we could count on my parents to be there to provide it.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

My parents are quite involved; they live about 20 minutes away and have been a great help - unexpectedly, to me, as we have had issues. I am careful with my son around them but have been really impressed by how strong a relationship they have developed.

My MIL could move in with us any day; she's that helpful. She lives 4-5 hrs away but manages to come down 8 or so times a year, sometimes for a week. She has a strong bond with my son (they share a sense of humour, it seems) and is unconditionally loving.

My FIL lives across the continent and comes perhaps once every two years; he is more reserved and has less of a relationship with my son.


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## earthgirl (Feb 6, 2006)

Well, my mother is deceased and my father is God only knows where, so my ILs are the only grandparents to DD. And they are just barely involved. We do live over 2000 miles away, but that's only a very small part of it. My MIL is just not the "warm and fuzzy" type. DD is 2 and they've only been up to visit once, when she was 1 month old. We practically had to beg them to come. My FIL is a little more doting and playful, and seems to take more interest, but obviously, we don't see them very often. WE were down there about 6 months ago and there wasn't a picture of DD anywhere, even though I used to send them. This is a really hard thing for me b/c I am constantly reminded of how different my own mother would have been if she were still alive. I wish that DD had a grandmother that got excited about her. DH's grandmother, on the other hand, is pretty involved. She randomly sends little notes to DD and genuinely seems to be delighted by her. I am certainly grateful for that.


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## ryansma (Sep 6, 2006)

Our kids' grandparents are somewhat involved.
Dh's family lives about an hour away. But they act like we live in another state since everyone else in the family still lives in their small town. We see each other for birthdays, holidays, and ramdom visits. They are VERY involved with my nephew. My mil cares for him mutliple times a week and he stays there all the time - he is 3 1/2. I would not be okay with her being that involved with my boys. I want to be the mom. Luckily she knows that and would not infringe on my mommy territory. I think she thinks sil is less capable than we are. Which is sad to say but it actually works out for all of them.

My parents live about 20 minutes away and are only somewhat involved too. My brothers are all still at home (21, 18, 14) and they do online school and my mom works (for my dad) from home so she is busy. When ds1 was younger I would bring him over on Fridays to visit but lately my mom has been coming over here to see us since I have two now and it's winter







: But there are times I go weeks without talking to her.
I hope that my parents are more involved as my boys get older. I think part of the reason they aren't is that they moved away from their own parents, for good reason, at a young age and thus havent' had an example of more involved grandparents to model. I really want my boys to know my parents but they are so young I believe there is still time. My oldest is only 3 so I hope that more oppurtunities will come up as they get older.
But we'll see. The only thing that would be hurtful to me is to see my parents NOT be more involved with my kids then uber involved with my brothers' kids. Some of the pain of being so much older than my brothers is re-visited in that scenerio.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

My parents = all of those things and more. They live 1/4 mile from us and are very, very involved and loving. My kids are all incredibly close to them.

DH's parents = very little of those things. They have only seen our youngest son (who is 18 months old) a handful of times. They rarely even call. My 7-year-old actually asked me about a year ago who his daddy's parents were. He knows them, he just didn't know they were his grandparents.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

My children have two Grandmothers, my Mother and my Grandmother, and now two Grandfather's, my Dad and my Hubby's Dad. (Until recently, they had my Grandfather, as well.







) My stepdaughter also has a Grandfather on her Mother's side, but I'm unsure of how involed he is, except for that they live with him. We live 5 minutes away from my Hubby's Dad and 2 1/2 hours away from my side of the family.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


How actively involved are grandparents in your children's lives?


All the Grandparents are very involved in all the grandchildren's lives, taking distance into consideration.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Do they help care for the children?


Very much.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Babysit?


My Grandmother babysat my son at least once a week, before we moved away. She now babysits my niece and nephew 5 days a week.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Provide emergency back up care?


My Father-in-Law is availalbe for emergency backup care anytime. We've only really needed him two or three times. My Gramma was when we lived closer.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Visit often? Visit sometimes? Visit infrequently?


My Father-in-Law lives 5 minutes away. We see him a minumum of three times a week.

My Mom and Dad visit two or three times a year, but my Mother has a physical disability where it's very painful to sit in a car for 2-3 hours.

My Gramma visits every couple of months.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Attend birthdays?


Always.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Spend holidays together?


We spend most holidays with my Father-in-Law and some holidays with my family, though not always on the actual holiday.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Go on trips together?


We sometimes go on trips with my Father-in-Law and every summer, my son goes on several trips with my Gramma. If my stepdaughter was with us longer, she'd go, too.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Go on day outings together?


We go on day outings with my Father-in-Law. Just going to see my Mom and Dad and Gramma is a day trip in itself!

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Send a birthday gift, send a birthday card?


Always.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Telephone?


My Mom calls several times a week, my Dad every couple of weeks and my Gramma every one to two weeks.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Send Christmas gifts?


Send or give in person, always.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Attend school activities?


My Father-in-Law attends about a third of the school activities. My Mom, Dad and Gramma are unable to.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


All of these things and more? None of these things?


My Gramma takes my son for a week at a time two or three weeks a year. Growing up, she was my second Mother and now she's become like a second Mother to my son as well. Growing up, I spend about 2/3 of my time at "Gramma's house". I suspect if we still lived closer, it would be the same with my son.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


If grandparents aren't involved, why do you think they aren't? Too elderly? Not interested? Strained relationship? Not healthy for kids? Not retired and still working? Too busy? Other?


My Mom and Dad aren't as involved as they would like to be because my Dad has a killer job schedule and my Mother has disabilites. My Gramma would like to be more involved, but distance is and issue.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


How much assistance do you get in raising your kids from your children's grandparents?


Probably more assistance than we need.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Is it more your own parents or partner's parents?


It's more my Father-in-Law, because of distance.

Quote:



Originally Posted by *That Is Nice*


Do you wish grandparents were involved more or less?


I wish my Mom and Dad were able to be more involved.

I wish my Gramma was closer so she could be more involved, but it's probably a good thing she's not- I think of her just short of being a Saint and she'd probably end up being the "third parent". I'm not sure how my Hubby would feel about that.

I like my Father-in-Law, but sometimes I wish our first thought every day (especially on days we have my stepdaughter) weren't, "What are we doing with Grampa today?" He doesn't always agree with the parent's rules (especially mine!) and so he's always there and I'm always worried about when/if he's gonna undermine me with the kids. Also, he plays favorites, so I have to keep a ery close eye on him with the kids. My stepdaughter is his biological grandchild. My son is not. Sometimes he forgets to curb it and I have to play damage control.


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## Aliviasmom (Jul 24, 2006)

The only grandparent involved in Alivia's life (and by involved, I mean, only grandparent that has MET her), is my mom. We lived with my mom until right before Alivia turned three. We live in the same town as her (about 6 miles away), so my mom has been taking her on overnights 2-3 nights a week since we moved out.


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## Aleo (Jan 1, 2009)

My parents are VERY involved with DS, he spends Saturdays with them so DH and I can have some quiet time together. My mom practically lives here while my dad is working. They always attend brithdays, holidays,etc.
Very much involved. They see DS almost everyday.

In laws arent very involved, they live in Spain and they came here in 2007 and that's all. We havent been able to go there, but we are planning to visit them this Summer. They dont call often, so the answer is no. They are not very involved. I really doubt DS remembers them.


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## crowcaw (Jan 16, 2009)

My inlaws moved across the country to be near us when our twins were born. They are both retired but young and these are, and probably will be, their only grandchildren. Our girls are 3 yo. ILs take them for what has become a full day once a week, they always cook dinner for the whole family on Sun (they have another son in town too), and we usually see them a least one other time during the week. They'll do anything and more at a moments notice. Both of my girls love their grammy and poppop but one in particular has a very special bond with grammy. Brings tears to dh's eyes as he (also a twin) was the apple of his grammy's eyes.

My mother is very uninvolved. Visits once a year if we fly her out, feigns interest, sends a card for every hallmark holiday signed "Love, Grandma" under the hallmark verse.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Dh's parents are not involved in our lives, their choice. My parents live 20 minutes away and are very involved in my children's lives. My 6y is staying over there for several days right now because my 2y just broke her clavicle and is needing down time. I called my mom this morning at 7:30am, asked her if DD1 could come over, and she was over in 40 minutes to get her.









My parents have completely rearranged their lives to help us out with the children at times. My second child was seriously ill for an extended amount of time as a baby, my mom did everything for us. Drove me and the baby 35 miles each way to appointments, would care for DD1 when I was in the hospital with her sister, took over day to day care of DD1 driving her to dance classes and all over the place so she would still have somewhat of a normal life that didn't involve a sick sibling. Last fall, DD1 needed therapy in a city 400 miles away, my mom came with me for 5 weeks to help out and care for DD2 while I was off with DD1 every day. They are so involved in our lives that for the first two years of DD1's life, she called my mother mom.







We see my mom 1-2 days a week usually, my dad less because of his work hours. We used to live a mile away from them before DD2 got sick and then we saw them daily. Both of my girls talk on the phone to my mom at least once a day.


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## brooks97 (Apr 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hizey* 
Our parents are very actively involved in our children's lives. They babysit, provide emergeny backup, call, vacation with us, take trips to the zoo, botanical gardens, etc., come to birthday parties, have sleepovers, spend holidays with us. My dh and I are both fortunate in that our parents are still very young (early 50's). My parents farm and my dh's mom is retired so they all have flexible schedules that allow them to be as involved as they want to be. My dh and I both grew up with very involved grandparents, and I am so very happy that the tradition is continuing. We are also fortunate that our families support the way we are raising our children. My mom and mother -in- law both practiced extended breastfeeding when my dh and I were children (1970's), they co-slept, cloth diapered, and my in-laws practiced gentle discipline. So, when our children spend time with them, they do all the things we do (minus breastfeeding







. We truly love raising our children in a large extended family environment.

michelle

This is the ideal for us. Can we share your family? Just kidding









One set of grandparents are very involved in our kids life. They do all the things listed in the question. The other set of grandparents live a few states away. They can't be involved physically, but they talk on the phone a lot, letters, packages. I truly wish that both of our parents live in the same city.


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## leosmommy (May 11, 2008)

aside from breastfeeding us (me to 18 months, DH to 9 months) our parents were very non-AP.

That being said, they are now very unsupportive of our parenting decisions. We see them rarely. My dad is the best of all of them, we see him about once per week (for dinner). My mom we see once every 2 weeks. DH's parents we see about once every 2 months. DH's parents never call, email, anything. I know this has to do with the fact that DH's brother and his wife (my ILs) parent very poorly and we are both vocal about it. I wish we had parents who we could trust...we don't trust any of them to be with DS alone for even 5 minutes. I know they'd give him food (he's EBF and 9 months, we are delaying solids until he's ready), and they also yell/swear if we aren't there to remind them not to. Our parents are all in their mid 40s. It's sad, but they refuse to change. All we can do is know that when our children have children, we will be there for them like our parents aren't for us.


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## lovbeingamommy (Jun 17, 2007)

My DS's four grandparents absolutely LOVE him and show it in so many different ways. He also has a great-grandma that is the same. Three of four are retired and so will watch him at the drop of a hat. In fact, sometimes encourage me to take time to shop and drop him off. DH is 3 and he has also spent the night at both grandparents houses and loves them so much. He has so many toys, games, etc at both houses that it's actually kinda overwhelming. But, he's the only grandchild on my parents side and the only grandchild in the last 23 yrs on DH's side. We're older parents 40ish. Grandparents are all 69 and my mom is 60. DS's GGM is 90 and still walks all around her small town and lives on her own.









In fact, tomorrow we're having a SuperBowl party at my parents since our team (Go Cardinals) are in the game. This will be the first time since he was born that my DS sees all four grandparents and his great-gma at the same time







I thought that would be a great picture to see. I am very grateful for this situation and the proximity of all involved. My DS is really lucky they are so involved.


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## dantesmama (May 14, 2006)

My kids' grandparents are pretty involved with my kids lives. My dad watches the boys two afternoons a week while I'm at school, so they're pretty close. My mom has a lot of physical and mental health issues, so she doesn't babysit much anymore, but she's still involved. My in-laws are great wth the boys, and they love going to their house. They have three sets of great-grandparents, but they're only close to one pair.

I think it's great that my parents and in-laws are so involved with my kids' lives. At first I wished they would back off a bit, but now I realize how blessed we are to have such a loving extended family. I love going to family get-togethers and seeing my kids' faces light up at the sight of all their relatives, and to know that so many people love and care about them.


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## MrsRefney (Jan 3, 2009)

We are very lucky in that my FIL lives just next door, and he takes care of Lil'Miss whenever we need him to. He is also planning on coming with us when we move out of state next year. He needs a change of scenery (divorce) and he really wants to stay close to our little one (and any others that come after!).

MIL...well...let's just say she's "raised her kids". She was a SAHM who put aside any hope and dream of hers to be completely there for her husband and children. When all three left home, she left too. She's in nursing school an hour away, divorced FIL, and we RARELY see her. She's too busy with school and her new life, I guess.

My parents...rarely see them as well. They are raising my step-neices, so they are always busy with them and my step-mother's children and their children. We're on the back burner with them.


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## JennTheMomma (Jun 19, 2008)

*How actively involved are grandparents in your children's lives?*

Very active. My son goes to my parents house every wednesday to play with my mom's daycare kids. And every other weekend we see my husband's parents. Sometimes more.

*Do they help care for the children? Babysit? Provide emergency back up care? Visit often? Visit sometimes? Visit infrequently?*

They have baby sat a few times. They can provide emergency back up if we need it. They visit often.

*Attend birthdays? Spend holidays together? Go on trips together? Go on day outings together?*

They all attended his birthday. We see both families for holidays. Never have gone on trips. And they have had day outings togather.

*Send a birthday gift, send a birthday card, telephone? Send Christmas gifts, attend school activities?*

All of the above. But Hunter isn't in school yet.

*All of these things and more? None of these things?*

All

*I'm very curious about the dynamics. How much assistance do you get in raising your kids from your children's grandparents? Is it more your own parents or partner's parents?*

We get assistance when we ask for it. We recieved a lot right after birth when I had PPD.

*Do you wish grandparents were involved more or less?*

It works out the way it is now.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

My own mother and stepfather are extremely involved in our kids' lives. They live less than an hour away, and my mom isn't working, so we see them at least once a week if not more. My mom babysits on Monday nights right now, because DH and I are enrolled in a class. She also usually takes either DD or the twins for overnight visits (and, for DD, sometimes three or four days) a few times a month, and often we just drop in at her house for dinner, or they come here. She sends them cards for every single holiday on the calendar, and spoils them with treats and little gifts all the time. She also paid for part of DD's preschool, and buys most of my kids' clothes. This is unasked-for help that she provided because she wanted to help. My mom and I see eye-to-eye on most parenting decisions, and where we disagree it's usually a minor issue, and if I feel strongly about it she defers to me. And now that DD can dial the phone, SHE talks to my mom at least twice a day. They take my kids on special outings and arrange visits with my cousins' kids. They're also available for emergency care almost any time. My mom and I have always been really close, so that naturally extended into her being close to my kids.

My in-laws are not as involved. They live twice as far away, and they both work full-time. Also, I think that my MIL's own mother was a busybody interfering grandma, and MIL has made up her mind to "butt out" and not be the same way. We see them about once a month, when either they or we make the trip for a visit. DD has stayed over there a few times overnight, most notably when the twins were in the hospital right after their birth. But the twins have never had an overnight there, although we have all stayed together as a family. When they buy gifts, they mostly buy practical stuff like clothes, and there are a lot fewer treats and goodies and outings. She buys a lot of books, which is nice. They don't contribute financially to taking care of the kids, but they DID buy us our car a few years ago, and THAT was going over and beyond! MIL is gentle and caring with them when she does see them, and I would trust her to care for them if I needed emergency help, but with the distance, and them being so busy, it's harder for them to be involved.


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## Leisha (Jan 16, 2008)

My parents are _very_ involved and will get even more involved as dd grows up, I think.
They live down the street from us, maybe 50 meters away? Lol. So I see them every couple of days anyway.








They will be watching dd probably a day a week when I go back to work PT.
We celebrate the holidays (xmas eve) there, Easter, birthdays I'm sure we'll also visit etc.
They have already offered to babysit whenever we need them to (they do this for my brother and SIL too with their daughter) and I completely trust them (especially my mom) to do AP-style parenting. She breastfed me until I was two etc; and is very open minded anyway to "alternative" ways of parenting.

They don't "butt in", though, but love to help out when I need them









My MIL and FIL aren't as involved, although I'm sure they would love to be. But they live abroad so yeah...

Also, MIL has quite different parenting style than me. She never breastfed for example. Every time they visit, she asks "are you still doing _that_" (that = breastfeeding). Last time she asked when I was going to start dd on formula.
If she was eating yoghurt yet.
If she was eating solids yet.
When am I planning to start her on solids.

Then she tried to feed my dd TEA (with sugar and milk)!!!









She's a bit of a know-it-all so would have no problem doing the exact opposite of what i ask her in regards to not feeding her solids yet or whatever else if she thinks she's right and I'm wrong.

She almost fainted when I said that dd co-sleeps with us, lol. ("Aren't you going to roll over on her???" erm, no







)

They are so nice though and mean well, but buy us things that don't get used (weird plastic toys, synthetic material clothing, pacifiers) Etc.
















So... to be honest, even if they didn't live so far away, I think they wouldn't be involved as much as my own parents are... I wouldn't let them, i think.







I would just not feel comfortable leaving dd with them on her own for example.


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## ProtoLawyer (Apr 16, 2007)

My SD's situation is a little unusual.

My partner's mother passed away before SD was born; we see her husband and his companion a couple of times a year. SD doesn't see him as a grandfather, but as a fun friend.

My partner's father and stepmother live out of state; they visit here once or twice and we (or my partner and SD without me) visit them once or so a year. There are cards, phone calls, gifts, etc. So it's a pretty close relationship for far-away grandparents.

My own parents are SD's closest grandparents, geographically; they're an hour from here. They have babysat (not emergency drop-in, but for evening events), and they come up for birthdays and such. They spoil her--it's been pretty cool seeing them form a grandparent/grandchild relationship even though there's no biology (or even legality right now). Unfortunately, my mother's undergoing chemo to prevent a recurrence of breast cancer, and while her prognosis is good, her immune system is weakened and she's fatigued, so our visits have been short (especially with SD constantly sick and sniffly this time of year).

Her maternal grandparents live out of state, and she sees them maybe once a year, but apparently her mom has decided to write them off because they never visit here. So, they don't have much of a relationship.


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## kittykat2481 (Nov 7, 2008)

My dad is very involved. We are neighbors so he visits with my 3yo sister at least 4-5 times a week, if not more. We spend a lot of time together. DS LOVES my dad completely, but we don't ask him to babysit often (we have twice in almost 14 months) because we just don't like to go out without DS much. He is, however, the only person that I do trust to babysit.

My mom and I have a strained relationship, and she's just very wrapped up in herself, so while she only lives about 20 minutes away, and works closer than that, she hasn't seen DS since his birthday (she stopped by for 5 min.) and before that it was at his Christening when he was 4 months old. I have been available to her, but she "hasn't had time".

DH's mother is neither super involved, no uninvolved. She would probably like to be closer with DS and babysit, but I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone with her right now. He's very attached to me, and is sometimes scared of her. I have been trying to reach out to her lately, to have her come spend time with DS when I'm home.

DH's father lives in another state, and hasn't seen DS since he was born. DH's stepmother, brother, and sister have been out 2 or 3 times since then to visit, but his dad is always "busy". It really hurts DH.

We don't get any help in raising DS per se. We don't leave him with baby sitters, they don't buy him clothes, food, etc. No one puts him to bed but me (not even DH, which is another story lol). But he is still very loved by many people (many of whom are "adopted family" in the way of close friends, and the families of those friends) as well as aunts, uncles, and one adoring great grandmother.


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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

*How actively involved are grandparents in your children's lives?
*
Not very.

*Do they help care for the children? Babysit? Provide emergency back up care? Visit often? Visit sometimes? Visit infrequently?*

Due to distance and the fact that DS is still b.feeding and extremely 'attached', I haven't been able to leave him with either set of grandparents alone yet. My partner's parents visit (or we visit them) an average of once a month, often every 2 months. We live a four hour drive apart. We stay for several days at their house, a couple times a year.

His other set of grandparents live in another country and he's only met my mom once, never met my dad. They offer a lot of support from a distance, though.

*Attend birthdays? Spend holidays together? Go on trips together? Go on day outings together?*

We spend christmas with the grandparents who live in this country. Only had 1 birthday so far and they didn't come down for that. Thats about it.

*Send a birthday gift, send a birthday card, telephone? Send Christmas gifts, attend school activities?*

All of the above except school activities which aren't happening yet. My parents send regular parcels (at considerable expense to them - crappy exchange rate) from where they live, which has reeally helped us out.

*I'm very curious about the dynamics. How much assistance do you get in raising your kids from your children's grandparents? Is it more your own parents or partner's parents?*

Well, I feel we get more assistance from my parents even though they live so much further away. Moral support, financial support (occasionally) and gifts, and when my mom came and stayed with us for a month shortly after DS was born - she was very there for us, and I know would be much more if she lived closer. I often think my partner's parents could support us more especially as they know how broke we are!

*Do you wish grandparents were involved more or less?*

In a way, more involved, b/c its so hard just doing all this without any family support nearby, but on the other hand I enjoy not having their influence too much - my partner's parents are fundamentalist Christians and we are diametrically opposed on many values, and they do a lot of stuff completely contrary to AP (they're in favour of CIO for example), so I wouldnt really want them to be a big day to day influence in DS's life - and have them possibly interfere, etc. Similar with my parents - I like it from a distance, b/c my mom can be a bit interfering, but I could do with the support.


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

My parents are very involved. They were horrible parents when we were growing up, but are amazing grandparents.

They live an hour away, but my mom has come one day a week for the past 3 1/2 years. She spends the whole day with my daughter and I can go shopping, to the doctor, clean house whatever I need to do.

Both my parents babysit and would provide emergency back up care.

They go on vacation with me and DD once a year, and we go spend a night or two with them every couple of months.

They are here for Bdays, send cards for all the holidays, and go on day trips with us to the zoo, etc. I'm taking my mom with us to see Sesame Street live.

My inlaws live in the same town as we do. We see them for a half hour or an hour a week when we drive over to their house. They rarely visit us, never go on day trips, and the one time I had them babysit because I had been in a car accident, they didn't change DD's diaper! I never asked again.

They have one other granddaughter by their daughter who they are considerably involved with. I don't really want more involvement with them due to value conflicts and personality issues. Still it's very obvious the difference in the two sets of grandparents.


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

My parents are extremely involved with my girls, they live ten minutes away. And I will say that I'm super tight with my mum anyway; we talk on the phone at least twice a day.

When I went back to school five years ago, my mother cared for dd1 for me (who at the time was a year old) up until dd1 started school. In reality, she's raised her half the time when it's all added up.

Dd1 also spends a night there most weekends, goes out to the movies, camp, parks, visiting, etc. all with my parents. My teenage siblings are also extremely close to dd1 and take her shopping, play with her, to the movies, etc.

Now that we have dd2 (who just turned a year old) my mother cares for her while I'm at work, and it's lovely seeing them develop the same relationship.

My ILs are held at more of a distance. They'd like to be super involved, and have been offering to babysit since dd1 was practically a week old. They're not bad people persay, but I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. They're uber obsessed with the kids (having neglected and emotionally abandoned dh his whole childhood) and have this whole 'We can make up for our crappy parenting!' vibe going on that freaks me right out.

My parents treat our kids like kids. Grandchildren yes - but they don't hesitate to say no, or to correct or to do dirty work like enforcing teeth brushing on sleepovers. My ILs refuse to say no to anything and do fun things like let dd1 eat bacon until she throws up, or allowing her to do or say extremely rude and/or unsafe things.

So yeah, it's unfortunate because I'd love to allow them that bond with the kids, but they treat dd1 and dd2 like golden calves and that greedy look on their faces freaks me out. We had our will drawn up PDQ, stating that my parents were sole custodians of everything in the event of our demise.


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## JElaineB (Nov 12, 2005)

We live basically across the street from DH's parents (moved here last March after living about 30 min away). MIL takes DS to school each morning, babysits on occassion (we have never used another babysitter), watches him sometimes on school days off, etc. So they are pretty involved. We don't do a whole lot of recreational activities together but sometimes go on day trips.

My parents live halfway across the country and we see them about one week a year. We enjoy visiting them but they are not really involved in our day to day lives except through phone calls. My mother sends gifts, etc. at holidays and birthdays. DS is her only grandchild so far, so she wishes we were closer but it is better that we live near DH's parents.


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## MangoMommy (Oct 20, 2008)

How actively involved are grandparents in your children's lives? *They aren't very much, they only talk to my kids on the phone a few times a year and we see them once a year.*

Do they help care for the children? Babysit? Provide emergency back up care? Visit often? Visit sometimes? *Visit infrequently? No backup care, don't visit often. See them once a year or less*.

Attend birthdays? Spend holidays together? Go on trips together? Go on day outings together? *No outtings, no birthdays*

Send a birthday gift, send a birthday card, telephone? Send Christmas gifts, attend school activities? *Send birthday gifts, cards, don't phone much.*

All of these things and more? None of these things? *Mostly none of the stuff but we live very far from all family. (like 5,000 miles?) But when we lived closer it wasn't much better.*

If grandparents aren't involved, why do you think they aren't? Too elderly? Not interested? Strained relationship? Not healthy for kids? Not retired and still working? Too busy? Other? *They aren't very involved I'd say because they are "too busy" with their own lives. None are retired and all still work fulltime. They do manage to see other family and be involved w/them though.*







:

I'm very curious about the dynamics. How much assistance do you get in raising your kids from your children's grandparents? Is it more your own parents or partner's parents? *NONE. Never have had any help. I'm giving birth on my own this June and no family will/can come to help out or be there.*







*My parents had LOTS LOTS LOTS of help from grandparents...free babysitting, weekends away, lots of overnights and trips w/grandparents. It's ironic my parents do NONE of that.*

Do you wish grandparents were involved more or less?
*Definately wish more.*


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## spughy (Jun 28, 2005)

My ILs are VERY involved with DD - they look after her 2 days a week so I can do all my errands and most of my housework & volunteering, which is great because it means that DD and I can spend all our time together doing mostly fun things. She also goes for sleepovers there occasionally, which she loooooves, and they are usually available for babysitting - except only at their house. They don't drive unless they have to (just crappy drivers, and they know it!) and MIL isn't comfortable in our house because I don't keep house like she does. (not that my place is a dive or anything, it's mildly messy - but her place is museum-like.) But they are fabulous, wonderful grandparents. They don't buy DD a lot of presents (which I really appreciate) but FIL goes to the library every week and gets her 10-15 books which he'll spend HOURS reading with her - and not just reading, but discussing. They completely support our parenting decisions and will occasionally mention something that concerns them but always defer to our judgement. Discipline has thus far been mostly a non-issue because DD is always perfectly behaved at their place.







She's a pretty easy kid but not THAT easy for me!

My mom lives several thousand kilometres away and is thus not as involved, but she likes to talk to DD on the phone and they have a good relationship - DD always looks forward to seeing Grannie and visiting with her. My mom knits a lot of lovely little sweaters for her, makes quilts, and buys her quite a lot of nifty little presents. She's really supportive too. Unfortunately my dad died quite a long time ago, but he would have been a super-awesome grandpa too.

We are quite blessed with the family we have. My sisters and DH's brother and sister are also as involved as they can be with DD and she loves all her aunts and her uncles very much. And yeah, she's the only grandchild on both sides!


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## smibbo (Jan 14, 2009)

it runs the gamut here in my mixed up family. My three boys from a previous marriage don't have a terribly close relationship with their father (he's an occasional drug abuser who is in and out of rehab) but their PGP are TOO Involved. They sued me for custody. It was a bitter battle that culminated in me awarding them visitation simply because I knew they could out-money me. My parents put up the money for the lawyer and the whole thing just was an awful experience. They are of course rich as can be and bought a house in our city and thus the boys go see them once a month for a weekend, every other holiday and they pick them up every week for their music lessons.
My parents live about a 45 min drive away and because they are somewhat self-involved we see them less. my dad manages to come up here about once a month and take us all to lunch or dinner but my (step)mom well... seems she always has something to do.
My birthmother and I are on decent terms... but she's come over to visit exactly three times EVER. Before my divorce, I brought the boys to visit her and her husband a few times but once my third son was born, I was really over making the effort since she never reciprocated. She and her husband have come over once since my daughter was born (Lil Miss is 18 months now) and although she calls me once or twice a year, she never has remembered anyone's birthday or such. Can't recall her ever sending holiday gifts for any of the kids either.

My In-Laws are twofold as well. My husbands father and step-mother are VERY involved considering they live a state away (6-8 hr drive) they come up about once every other month for a few days and we go down to spend the holidays with them. They call, email, send cards and check the flickr site every day to see what I've posted lately. They treat the boys as their grandkids too (after all, the boys were here before the girl) they send presents for everyone, remember birthdays and take the boys out for fun times when they are around.
My husband's mother and step-father are reasonably involved. His mother is just ga-ga over the baby girl and spoils her rotten when we're around. His step-father is more "into" the boys because he's kind of a overgrown boy himself; takes them on boat rides, gives them mechanical toys and loves to talk about zombies.His mother is nice to them, gives them gifts for holidays but she's really all about the baby girl. I don't think the boys mind too much; they've got PLENTY of grandparents!


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

My parents are deceased. I miss them seeing my kids. We see my husband's mom and dad a few times a month, they are local and I appreciate the relationship.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

I can't even read the replies b/c I get so jealous. We live in TX, all the GP's in FL. We rarely see DH's parents, and they are zero help, both b/c of their age and b/c they just aren't little kid people. We have to ask them to hold them just for pictures. Seriously.

My parents come out a couple of times a year and it's a help when they're here, but more along the lines of entertaining DS1. For doc appts, date nights (ha!!!! I wish!!!!), grocery shopping, etc. it's just me and DH. And I hate it!!!!!

My brother sees his IL's--both parents and a single older sister--every freaking day and he complains they don't do enough. Actually, now that I think about it, two of my SIL's have similar set-ups w/ their IL's and also complain of not enough help. If they only knew...


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MangoMommy* 
I'm very curious about the dynamics. How much assistance do you get in raising your kids from your children's grandparents? Is it more your own parents or partner's parents? *NONE. Never have had any help. I'm giving birth on my own this June and no family will/can come to help out or be there.*







*My parents had LOTS LOTS LOTS of help from grandparents...free babysitting, weekends away, lots of overnights and trips w/grandparents. It's ironic my parents do NONE of that.*

Do you wish grandparents were involved more or less?
*Definately wish more.*

OK, I haven't read all the replies but I did read this. I have a similar set up and it DRIVES ME CRAZY!!! Both sets of our parents got TONS of help from their parents. My DH had BOTH grandmothers live w/ them just to help out at various times. Our g'parents also lived very frugally and left our parents enough money that they can pretty much just enjoy themselves now and do nothing. They sure aren't saving $$ by helping us, nor do I expect them to have a lot left over.

There was an interesting, bitter essay I read awhile ago about "Sexy Grandmas" or similar, something to the effect that some selfish Boomer parents are completely uninterested in the type of grandparenting that has gone on forever, and are interested in "redefining" it, basically redefining it to mean, "I raised mine, you raise your own, I'm enjoying myself."


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