# "You look so pretty today"- Teaching inner Beauty



## my3peanuts (Nov 25, 2006)

Yesterday my dd got ready for church, which meant putting a dress on & fixing her hair. She said, "I look really pretty today mom". I said, "yes you do, but you always look pretty, even in your pajamas!" I could tell she thought she looked pretty because of the dress because it seems others will comment on how pretty she is, if she's dressed up or whatever. It's harder for people to just randomly comment on her looks if she was filthy from head to toe. KWIM? I know I've been guilty of this too and I'm trying to work harder on complimenting her when she's not all dressed up. At the same time I don't want to focus on her outward beauty by saying "you're so pretty" all the time.

It isn't that I don't want her to think she's pretty or that I have anything against others telling her she's pretty I just want to make sure she knows she's ALWAYS beautiful and that she doesn't think certain clothes make her prettier but I don't know how to go about teaching this other than to do what I did, which was tell her that I think she's pretty no matter what she's wearing. I guess I'm just struggling with the whole inner beauty thing and how to get that across to a 4 year old!

Any suggestions are much appreciated!


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

When my DD is dressed up she looks "fancy" or she's all fancied up.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

I'm a little confused. The fact is, I *do* look prettier gussied up!







If I'm wearing flattering clothes and have taken the time to actually do my hair, I look vastly nicer than if I'm slobbing around in a T-shirt. I don't find it offensive to my inner value or something if DH says 'You look nice' when I'm dressed up. (To be fair, he does occasionally say it when I'm not!). After all, isn't that the point of dressing up... to look nicer?

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your daughter she's beautiful all the time, any more than I think there's anything wrong with a man telling his wife 'you'd look beautiful in a potato sack, honey'. But I don't think it'd damage her to know that she looks especially nice when she's wearing her 'pretty' clothes... or am I missing something?

I hope I'm not sounding critical here. I think it's great that you want your daughter to feel pretty without focussing too much on outward beauty. And I wish my parents had told me I was pretty when I was little--DH was horrified to learn that my father had never told me I was pretty. Mum occasionally said I looked 'nice', meaning tidy; that was about it. So I'm going to make a conscious effort to tell my children they're beautiful (even if they aren't staggeringly so--I wasn't!); but I'm also planning to let them know I appreciate them doing their hair nicely!


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I have the same concerns as you with raising my daughter. I try to compliment her on nice things she does or how smart she is rather than saying "You're so beautiful" all the time. Although I do compliment her looks, too, just not more than the other aspects of her.


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## kkeris (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Smokering* 
I'm a little confused. The fact is, I *do* look prettier gussied up!







If I'm wearing flattering clothes and have taken the time to actually do my hair, I look vastly nicer than if I'm slobbing around in a T-shirt. I don't find it offensive to my inner value or something if DH says 'You look nice' when I'm dressed up. (To be fair, he does occasionally say it when I'm not!). After all, isn't that the point of dressing up... to look nicer?

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your daughter she's beautiful all the time, any more than I think there's anything wrong with a man telling his wife 'you'd look beautiful in a potato sack, honey'. But I don't think it'd damage her to know that she looks especially nice when she's wearing her 'pretty' clothes... or am I missing something?

I hope I'm not sounding critical here. I think it's great that you want your daughter to feel pretty without focussing too much on outward beauty. And I wish my parents had told me I was pretty when I was little--DH was horrified to learn that my father had never told me I was pretty. Mum occasionally said I looked 'nice', meaning tidy; that was about it. So I'm going to make a conscious effort to tell my children they're beautiful (even if they aren't staggeringly so--I wasn't!); but I'm also planning to let them know I appreciate them doing their hair nicely!









: Thats us too. I would tell my Dd that she looks pretty when she is in a really pretty dress, because she DOES and there is nothing wrong with saying so, similar to my DH complimenting me when I have a specially beautiful outfit on. But just like I _know_ that I look beautiful to my DH anyway, my DD _knows_ that she is beautiful to me anytime, all the time. So sometimes, randomly, in the bath, at the park, during dinner, I do sometimes tell her that she is beautiful. Of course I dont do it excessively (I dont think I use the word 'beautiful' on her more than several times a month actually, I say 'I love you' all the time though!), so I dont find anything wrong with saying it once in a while.

I wish my dad has ever said that about me too. I still do.


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## mama_daba (Dec 7, 2004)

i think there are different types of beauty and maybe talking with kids about that can be good. also talking about how different people find different things attractive. hollywood and television have an idea of what beauty is that i don't really agree with. i find people with big noses very attractive and i love how glasses look but thats not the medias idea of beauty. i also think there is inner beauty and it is important to acknowledge that and important for children to know about different types of beauty. my child isn't born yet and i don't know how i will talk to my child about these things and i don't have any advice or anything.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I know it isn't what you are asking..

But, I love to hear when I look "nice" or "pretty" or "hot". I think everybody likes to be told they look good.


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## tamagotchi (Oct 16, 2005)

My DH actually does a great job of making this distinction.

He frequently tells me I'm beautiful. He'll say it when I'm looking my best, and he'll also say it when I have the flu and I'm wandering around the house in my pajamas with unwashed hair, etc.

On the other hand, if he's complimenting me on how nice my clothes look on me or how nice my haircut is, or something like that, he says "That looks nice on you," or "That haircut really suits you," etc.


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## my3peanuts (Nov 25, 2006)

I don't think I really got across what I'm trying to say.









It isn't that I think it's harmful to tell her she looks pretty. I don't think that. I just feel like she frequently looks at me for validation that she's pretty and I really hate that she thinks about it at such a young age. She'll look at me and say, "mom don't I look pretty?" And I'll say, "yes you do!" or whatever and that's fine, I just don't want her to start constantly looking for external validation. If that makes sense!


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

3peanuts, i think i see what you're saying. can you just turn it around or ask her more about it then? in your first post you said she might say something like, "I look really pretty today mom". instead of just validating that with "yes, you do, " can you explore the idea with her a little more? maybe asking something like, "do you like to get all dressed up? do you like how you feel when you're all dressed up? what do you like the most?"

i have two girly girls and they always like to dress up in some fancy something or other. i do not! i'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda mama. i do not like to wear fancy clothes. it does not feel good to me and i think they kinda get that. they come up with crazy combos -- a feather boa with a tutu and rainboots and then say, "look at me! i'm beautiful!" i do say, "you sure are, but you're beautiful in anything or nothing at all," (i mean, they're so cute after all), but we've tried to explore a little bit the beautiful on the inside idea. i think from your first post she does sound pretty confident within herself that she looks pretty!

i'm sure there are some good fairy tales and stories out there about exterior beauty vs the beauty within -- "cinderella" springs to mind, but there are probably others that don't get caught up in the whole prince thing which is another issue.

i think i'm rambling, but maybe you or someone else can pick up where my thoughts are trailing off...


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## CaraboosMama (Mar 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *my3peanuts* 
I don't think I really got across what I'm trying to say.









It isn't that I think it's harmful to tell her she looks pretty. I don't think that. I just feel like she frequently looks at me for validation that she's pretty and I really hate that she thinks about it at such a young age. She'll look at me and say, "mom don't I look pretty?" And I'll say, "yes you do!" or whatever and that's fine, I just don't want her to start constantly looking for external validation. If that makes sense!


I totally agree. What makes it even harder is that usually people will comment on how a boy performs (What a great job playing xyz!) and how a girl looks (You are so pretty!). My daughter has very big blue eyes and strangers will comment on her looks often. Most of the time she is quiet about it, but once she responded to an older man calling her a cutie by saying, "No, I'm smart!"







Not bad for a 3 yr. old









I am not totally on the "no praise" bandwagon (truthfully, because I haven't read enough to understand) but I hate to see young kids becoming so bombarded & needing external validation about thier looks OR performance.

What my DH & I try to do is balance it out...comment on other things - her kindness, her skills, sense of humor - and comment on it in a relational way. Like, "I really appreciated it when you helped me clean up the family room today" or "Wow, you are making your brother laugh so hard! That makes me laugh too!" (Ok, a little less stilted than that last one...I'm tired & trying to think of examples...)

I think it is possible to balance it out & the fact that you are aware of it will probably make a huge difference.


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## CaraboosMama (Mar 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beanma* 
i'm sure there are some good fairy tales and stories out there about exterior beauty vs the beauty within -- "cinderella" springs to mind, but there are probably others that don't get caught up in the whole prince thing which is another issue.

i think i'm rambling, but maybe you or someone else can pick up where my thoughts are trailing off...


I make up a lot of these & we make up all different silly princesses (i.e. the stinky princess who only ate onions, the princess who rescues her prince in distress, the princess and the witch who became best friends) they are not Shakespeare, but dd likes them


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## P-chan (Jan 23, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beanma* 

i'm sure there are some good fairy tales and stories out there about exterior beauty vs the beauty within -- "cinderella" springs to mind, but there are probably others that don't get caught up in the whole prince thing which is another issue.

The Paper Bag Princess by Robert N. Munsch and Michael Martchenko is the book you're looking for! All her clothes get destroyed in the dragon raid, so she finds a paper bag, outsmarts the dragon, rescues the prince, and then dumps him when he's annoyed she's not all dressed up anymore.

Back to the thread, it seems like you and she know she's beautiful all the time, and maybe she's (understandably!) looking for some acknowledgement that she's gussied up for a special occasion. (I'm thinking of a parallel to a point in Siblings without Rivalry when parents always say they love all their children equally--the authors point out that a child wants to hear the exact reason you love him/her).

It could also be an opportunity to talk about *why* she gets dressed up for church--to show respect, to mark the day as special, etc.


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## ~Heyokha~ (Nov 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CaraboosMama* 
I totally agree. What makes it even harder is that usually people will comment on how a boy performs (What a great job playing xyz!) and how a girl looks (You are so pretty!). My daughter has very big blue eyes and strangers will comment on her looks often. Most of the time she is quiet about it, but once she responded to an older man calling her a cutie by saying, "No, I'm smart!"







Not bad for a 3 yr. old









I am not totally on the "no praise" bandwagon (truthfully, because I haven't read enough to understand) but I hate to see young kids becoming so bombarded & needing external validation about thier looks OR performance.

What my DH & I try to do is balance it out...comment on other things - her kindness, her skills, sense of humor - and comment on it in a relational way. Like, "I really appreciated it when you helped me clean up the family room today" or "Wow, you are making your brother laugh so hard! That makes me laugh too!" (Ok, a little less stilted than that last one...I'm tired & trying to think of examples...)

I think it is possible to balance it out & the fact that you are aware of it will probably make a huge difference.

YES!!!


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## PreggieUBA2C (Mar 20, 2007)

Well, to be forthright, I am very much on the no-praise bandwagon








, AND ours are all boys, so this may not be what you're looking for, but nonetheless, I thought I'd share just in case it might help.

I use the word 'beautiful' _all the time_- many, many times every day about all sorts of things. I comment on the beauty of everything that we talk about, see, hear, eat (we have a lot of conversations about how beautiful the fruits and vegetables we eat are- so intricate and colourful, sweet, crunchy, soft, etc...) and also, specifically on the beauty of those traits that you are concerned about being more important that 'looks.' I use beauty as a descriptor of reality, not praise, not anything that anyone (on earth) can take credit for. I often call my boys, 'my beautiful boy(s)' or 'my beautiful buddy/ies.'

The result, so far, is that our boys have a very broad understanding of what beauty is- they speak of beauty as an integral qualitative aspect of whatever they're discussing, and I've never heard a hint of it being a narrow definition of any sort; it's always a description of the quality of something or someone in a very wholistic way. They know they are beautiful, and they know that every human being is as well.

They learned the idea of 'pretty' at a playgroup, and afterward asked a lot of questions about what that means and how to determine what is pretty. We talked about pretty meaning that something is pleasing to look at and that each person has his/her own idea of what is pleasing, that this is preference. I showed them piles of art books and we looked at a huge amount of portraits of people; we described their physical characteristics and continued to emphasize each person's unique physical beauty as being only one aspect of that person as a whole and then we came up with possible other traits they could have that aren't shown by how they look, which was easily the focus.

THEN, they were introduced to the idea of 'ugly' just a little while ago by someone else (still not sure how I feel about this) and we've had a few discussions about that, but I may post here to find out how others have treated this topic. I'm not actually sure what 'ugly' is since I've not considered it part of my repertoire of categories, but obviously have to address it now...

I don't have a girl, and I don't deal with the idea of 'pretty' often or ever until recently, so I don't know if this makes sense for you, OP, but my experience has been that deliberately broadening and increasing your use of words that describe things/people as 'beautiful' may be the resolution to your concern rather than trying to make sense of it by limiting it further.

Btw, when our boys are dressed up (either by my definition or theirs- which is not necessarily the same thing) I acknowledge what they've done, how they look (handsome, taller in their shoes, like daddy, etc...- again, just a matter of fact), comment on the particular items they're wearing, etc..., just like I would speak to them in any other situation, as their interested mama.

I really think _increasing_ your use and scope of 'pretty' and 'beautiful' to reflect a wholistic view of our surroundings is more likely to have the desired effect that your dd will understand that looks alone don't make a person beautiful/pretty, than choosing to limit them (use and scope). The added benefit is that you can feel free to express that your dd does 'look' beautiful and pretty when she's dressed up without it weighing on your conscience because she knows that there is soooooo much beauty and she'll feel and know that she's a part of it as a beautiful little girl, dressed up or not







.


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## LilWin (Apr 25, 2007)

This is a tough one and I think about this a lot, it's really one of my pet peeves. How do you teach your child the concept of beauty and in addition, healthy body image. I guess mostly by example. I know I'm ok with myself and feel very strongly about the way society presents beauty and the way women "should" look, so I'm convinced those topics will be discussed many times in our house when she grows up and that will give her a strong message also (in a positive way I hope).
But for now, as a toddler, I decided that if I wanted to compliment her, I would have to chose my words. So I always try to compliment her on specific things, to sort of separate things that can be pretty from her as a total person, YKWIM? I'll say to her: "look how pretty your hair is!" or "what a lovely sweater you have on, that looks really good!" If I want to say how beautiful she is as a person inside & out, I just say "Lily's really really beautiful!!" when she's not focused on it, like when we're snuggling. I also say it when we see things or animals etc I think are beautiful.
I hope it works and I think so because the other day we were at the zoo and she stared at the turtles for a long time and finally sighed and said: "beautiful turtles!".


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## my3peanuts (Nov 25, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PreggieUBA2C* 
Well, to be forthright, I am very much on the no-praise bandwagon







, AND ours are all boys, so this may not be what you're looking for, but nonetheless, I thought I'd share just in case it might help.

I use the word 'beautiful' _all the time_- many, many times every day about all sorts of things. I comment on the beauty of everything that we talk about, see, hear, eat (we have a lot of conversations about how beautiful the fruits and vegetables we eat are- so intricate and colourful, sweet, crunchy, soft, etc...) and also, specifically on the beauty of those traits that you are concerned about being more important that 'looks.' I use beauty as a descriptor of reality, not praise, not anything that anyone (on earth) can take credit for. I often call my boys, 'my beautiful boy(s)' or 'my beautiful buddy/ies.'

The result, so far, is that our boys have a very broad understanding of what beauty is- they speak of beauty as an integral qualitative aspect of whatever they're discussing, and I've never heard a hint of it being a narrow definition of any sort; it's always a description of the quality of something or someone in a very wholistic way. They know they are beautiful, and they know that every human being is as well.

They learned the idea of 'pretty' at a playgroup, and afterward asked a lot of questions about what that means and how to determine what is pretty. We talked about pretty meaning that something is pleasing to look at and that each person has his/her own idea of what is pleasing, that this is preference. I showed them piles of art books and we looked at a huge amount of portraits of people; we described their physical characteristics and continued to emphasize each person's unique physical beauty as being only one aspect of that person as a whole and then we came up with possible other traits they could have that aren't shown by how they look, which was easily the focus.

THEN, they were introduced to the idea of 'ugly' just a little while ago by someone else (still not sure how I feel about this) and we've had a few discussions about that, but I may post here to find out how others have treated this topic. I'm not actually sure what 'ugly' is since I've not considered it part of my repertoire of categories, but obviously have to address it now...

I don't have a girl, and I don't deal with the idea of 'pretty' often or ever until recently, so I don't know if this makes sense for you, OP, but my experience has been that deliberately broadening and increasing your use of words that describe things/people as 'beautiful' may be the resolution to your concern rather than trying to make sense of it by limiting it further.

Btw, when our boys are dressed up (either by my definition or theirs- which is not necessarily the same thing) I acknowledge what they've done, how they look (handsome, taller in their shoes, like daddy, etc...- again, just a matter of fact), comment on the particular items they're wearing, etc..., just like I would speak to them in any other situation, as their interested mama.

I really think _increasing_ your use and scope of 'pretty' and 'beautiful' to reflect a wholistic view of our surroundings is more likely to have the desired effect that your dd will understand that looks alone don't make a person beautiful/pretty, than choosing to limit them (use and scope). The added benefit is that you can feel free to express that your dd does 'look' beautiful and pretty when she's dressed up without it weighing on your conscience because she knows that there is soooooo much beauty and she'll feel and know that she's a part of it as a beautiful little girl, dressed up or not







.

Thanks, this really makes sense. I will try this!


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Preggie, I love your post and will definitely use your ideas!! Thank you for sharing them!


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## cmoma (Aug 3, 2006)

Just wanted to add that Preggie I too loved your post, I think we need to describe more things as beautiful


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## yogabear (Mar 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *P-chan* 
The Paper Bag Princess by Robert N. Munsch and Michael Martchenko is the book you're looking for! All her clothes get destroyed in the dragon raid, so she finds a paper bag, outsmarts the dragon, rescues the prince, and then dumps him when he's annoyed she's not all dressed up anymore.


Love that book! It's one of our faves! What a great example to show that it's not your clothes or fancy hair that makes you who you are!

Our little "trick" with this has been to tell our girls their "sparkle" is what makes them beautiful.

They love to play dress up constantly, and when they do I compliment their outfit then ask to see their "sparkle". Then a bright beaming smile comes through, and really it is what makes them beautiful.

Anyone can be beautiful if they have their sparkle, no matter what they wear or look like!

This has also come in handy during tantrums because we stop everything and put out an APB for the sparkle.


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## Snapdragon (Aug 30, 2007)

It's nice that your consciensious about this. Yet, at the same time I would say it's okay to tell her she's pretty when you genuinely feel moved to do so. Like you would a fall tree or a flower. Pretty is always okay. It's not like you won't acknowledge her other qualities


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