# No HB. I delivered him.



## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

It feels so strange to write about this now, but I have been thinking so much about my experience, and wondering if ANYONE else went through a delivery experience after knowing there was no heartbeat.

My story...

Very happily found out I was pregnant in May 2002. Told a few close family/friends but was hesitant, because I am educated and aware of mc.

Everything was seemingly NORMAL. Saw a HB via u/s early, went for my 12 week midwife check up and heard a strong heartbeat. I started telling everyone, once we were past the 3 month "milestone".

Went for my 16wk appt and was completely stunned when my midwife was unable to find a heartbeat. My MIL was with me, and she kept asking what it meant and what was going on. Midwife did an u/s in her office and I said aloud the words, "the baby is not moving at all." Midwife sent me to the hospital for a tech scan, and I sent MIL to pick up DH from work and bring him to me.

I watched the tech do the scan alone. There was a perfect outline of a perfect baby floating silently. Nothing. I was light years away from tears....being an EMT, my training kicked in and I tried to extract any information from the tech, without appearing like the grieving mother I was.

I walked the 2 miles home alone. (DH still had not arrived from work) My body felt so heavy, so full of emptiness. Tears streaked my dusty face, as I walked that September 9th, 2002. It was a long walk, but not long enough.

Midwife called me at home that night to tell me the official word of the death. She shared that she had lost a son at 8 months some years ago, and she promised to get me through this. All I wanted was details, information and WHY, WHY, WHY!?!?!?

I had to wait the weekend. Walked around like a zombie, until late Saturday night, I saw Northern Lights for the first time in my life. They were beautiful, and I felt they were a sign, a promise of life to come someday. I broke down, hysterical.

Monday morning DH and I went to the hospital. Due to the fetus size, I was to be induced, and had to deliver since my body was showing no signs of letting go. I had no cramping, no bleeding, NOTHING to show that anything was amiss.

Cytosis was inserted and I was given free range of the hospital grounds to wander until contractions came. A dear friend, DH and I walked around, talked, cried, laughed and marveled at the surreal feel to the day.

Nothing happened and we spent the night at the hospital, on the active labor & delivery floor. The night was hard. I silently begged the baby to come at night, while I was alone in the bed. I listened to the 'real' laboring mom's cry out - and vowed never to complain or scream if I was given another chance.

The next morning, the OB came. She explained that my body was just not opening up at all, and was not letting go of the baby. She wanted to try a shot intermuscularly, to move things along. She was concerned that my body would become septic (very sick). We agreed to this plan. I wept.

They said it would be a few shots that would make the difference -it was to be given every 4 hours. After the first shot, at 9am on September 10th, it was a mear 10 minutes until my body started shaking and I felt awful.

I delivered my 16week old son, alone, in the bathroom of the hospital room #9. There was a leaf with a tear on the door, warning all who entered that there was a loss in progress.

he was tiny. perfect. DH and I held him in our hands and cried. he weighed 1 ounce and the nurses gave me a seashell with both of his footprints molded inside. I invited my 2 best friends to come witness, and meet him.

We opted for an autopsy. There was nothing found defective, or wrong. No reason for the cause of death given on his death certificate. I never saw him again, once they took him from the room.

There is more to my story...I had a D&C a month afterwards, on Oct 10. Again, my body was retaining tissue.

I am now mom to a DS, 20months. And 5.5 MO pregnant with another.

I have fears, worries and night terrors about our loss sometimes. But mostly I am okay.....

Anyone else delivered in a hospital setting? I have never met anyone who has....

Thanks for getting this far, if you read it all.
Peace.
~CB


----------



## jmreinke (Jan 1, 2003)

Thank you for sharing your story. You have touched my heart today.


----------



## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm so sorry and thank you for your story.

I have not been there, but my close friend delivered a baby she knew was already gone. Also a boy, also in a hospital, also no reason was ever proven. In her particular case she felt that her care/nurses were very compassionate.

(Just as I posted this, it suddenly started raining heavily here....)


----------



## willowsmom (Oct 28, 2004)

I am so sorry for this loss...thank you for sharing your son with us.


----------



## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss.







I can't imagine delivering all alone like that. I am glad you got to hold him though.


----------



## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

CB73-

I am so sorry for your loss. My story is almost identical to yours, even the timing of 16 weeks as well. I, however, was not talked to about the option to deliver my baby, and had aD&C the next day. There was not a lot of compasion, as I was not on the maternity floor and was simply in the out patient surgery area. It was an awful experience. I had to tell the people at admiting why I was there. Then the people at the OR, then the nurse at the OR. Couldn't someone have read my chart and offered sympathy? Finally, with my husband by my side, I was rolled in to wait to go into surgery. My husband sent to the waiting room. I was sobbing, when finally a nurse went to get my husband to sit with me until I went into surgery. Finally I went in. An hour later I woke up no longer pregnant. Hardly any pain. And I never got to see my baby. It was so surreal. I go over it in my head constantly. I wander whether I would have taken the option to deliver my baby. Maybe I would have had some more closure seeing or holding the baby. I don't know. I kept saying to my husband that I wish there had been more physical pain to go along with the mental torture. I do have a friend who went through a hospital delivery at 5 months to her baby boy though. And when we talk we have almost the exact same feelings of it being so surreal even though we both went through different things. It has only been 1 month for me, but years for her. She still experiences nightmares occasionally and is currently pregnant with her 3rd pregnancy and describes many of the same things that you are going through. many issues that she thought she was over keep coming back up . It is such a hard thing to experience, and I wonder if any of us ever completely get over it? I am sending you my prayers and hopes for a healthy happy pregnancy and delivery, and I hope that your anxiety will subside, so you will be able to enjoy the next few months of pregnancy!


----------



## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

I cannot tell you all how anxious I felt as I logged in tonight, wondering if ANYONE had read, or bothered to read my long story.

THANK YOU.

It is odd (intellectually) that I feel this strong need to share, to describe details and talk about my experience. Most women I know IRL had losses mch earlier, or stillbirths. The middle time, that 2nd trimester, I know no one.

Did I mention that my delivery with my 2nd son was amazing? No medical intervention, and no screaming or ranting. Labor/pain felt GOOD, because my body was doing something productive with a live & healthy baby. Does that make sense?

race-kelly (kelly?): I cannot imagine. I am blessed that my 2 nurses were fantastic. They did anything and everything. One of them even stayed o/t during the delivery of my 2nd son because she wanted to see the joy on our faces. There have not been too many losses around here, delivery-wise.
D&C sucked. Did you feel like you wanted to scream at everyone -"my baby died!!!!" when they were asking such basic, routine questions? It was surreal. How awful that it was 'surgery' for you...without being given the choice. In fact, I was told that the fetus was too big, and a D&C would be, umm..."messy" is the word that I heard.









So bizzare not to have ANY signs/symptoms...that is what gives me the most panic from time to time these days. Although I can feel solid movement now, but still....it is so hard to have trust in your body sometimes!

Thank you again, for reading and caring enough about a stranger to let me know that there ARE others out there who have delivered as I did, in a hospital. For me, doing it alone (regardless of location) was important and empowering. Nevertheless...I wish women were able to be more open about losses, so there was more support in the long run.


----------



## AmandaBL (Aug 3, 2004)

Thank you for sharing your story.


----------



## 2devils_1angel (Oct 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CB73*
It feels so strange to write about this now, but I have been thinking so much about my experience, and wondering if ANYONE else went through a delivery experience after knowing there was no heartbeat.

That is how it happend with us. I was 35 weeks and was cramping (not contrx) so i wenbt to doc to see if everything was ok....and it was not.
he was our second so i had been through labor before...but it was harder knowing i would not have the same joy again.

Quote:


Anyone else delivered in a hospital setting? I have never met anyone who has....
Yes we did, actually the eery oart was i delivered ds2 in the same room as ds1. Our Pastor got there just 10 minutes after ds2 was born, but it was to much to absorb. Our nurses were actually very very nice, a little mad at me because i checked myself out only 4 hours after he was born, but i could not bear to be there knowing i should be there.....happy.
the best nurse in it all was actually the LC, she called me everyday at home









Quote:

Thanks for getting this far, if you read it all.
Peace.
~CB[/QUOTE]


----------



## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

I am so sorry this happened to you.

MC is one tragedy that G-d has spared me in this life.

I am glad that you were able to go on with your life and give it another try.
















never to be forgotten.


----------



## Boobiemama (Oct 2, 2002)

Your story gave me the chills. What a strong mama you are.

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby, but happy to hear you have gone on to have more! I lost my son in 97, due to a birth defect, when he was 3 weeks old. I have gone on to have 3 more children, and I am still scared each time. You never get over your losses, no matter when they happen.

Thanks so much for sharing!


----------



## mamabutterfly (Jun 23, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CB73*
Nevertheless...I wish women were able to be more open about losses, so there was more support in the long run.









I'm grateful you chose to share your story with us. Thank you.


----------



## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i am sorry about your loss
thank you for sharing your son with us.

i delivered both my babies that had died, the first i was lucky to be able to do it at home, against advice but with my wonderful midwife with us.
the second time i had to be in the hospital in the *tragedy room* also with the paper on the door (though the blood work person didn't understand the sign and kept asking me when my baby was due and how lucky i was to be expecting a little one sigh...). my wonderful midwife was with me then as well and made it so much better then it could have been

take care

tara


----------



## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

CB, thanks for sharing your stoy. I am sorry for the loss of your little boy.

I delivered my son after we found out he had died. He was born in hospital after two wonderful homebirths. Your story reminded me of the leaf and teardrop sign by the door...I cry whenever I remember that. I did have very kind staff, and my midwife was there.

Hugs to you.


----------



## Black Orchid (Mar 28, 2005)

mama. Your story touched my heart. Thank you for sharing, I'm sure it wasn't easy to type it all out. It meant a lot to read your words today. They gave me hope and comfort.


----------



## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

Quote:

It meant a lot to read your words today. They gave me hope and comfort.
I cannot tell you how good this made me feel. One of the reasons I share is to offer others SOMETHING..whatever it is they can take from my experience.

Thank you all for your kind, thoughtful words.


----------



## Fiddlemom (Oct 22, 2003)

thank you for sharing your story, and hugs to you. You're a great mother and a wonderfully brave and strong woman. Your story strengthened me and gave me a lot of hope. many thanks.


----------



## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. I too delivered a baby that I knew had no heartbeat. I delivered her in the same hospital I delivered my son in 2.5 yrs before. I was 22 weeks along when I got sick. I thought I had the flu, but called into the Dr's office when my temperature got too high and I couldn't feel my baby moving. At the hospital they put monitors on me and thought they found the baby's heartbeat, but it was actually my heartbeat, it was just elevated by the infection. I was in the hospital for almost 5 hours before they finally told me that my daughter had died and that I had a life threatening infection and needed to deliver right away. I was induced using Pitocin and delivered less than three hours later. Arawyn was tiny and perfect. My dh, Mother, Father, MIL and SIL all got to hold her and we took pictures. The nurse was wonderful she brought me as many momento's as she could find, and she put a purple bow on the door so that everyone in the hospital would know we had a loss. I had to remain in the hospital for 3 days before the infection was finally beaten. We decided against an autopsie because her cause of death was already known. There was an autopsy done on the placenta that confirmed the COD of Chorioamnionitis. We also sent off a cord sample for genetic testing, but it was so damaged by the infection that the lab couldn't do anything with it. I too later had to have a D&C to remove a retained piece of placenta. I had bleeding problems and they were finally traced back to a small piece of placenta that hadn't been delivered yet.

I am now 9 weeks pregnant with my third child. I am nervous but very hopefull. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to hear from some one who has had a loss and gone on to have a living baby.


----------



## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

What an experience, Shannon.
I delivered my now 20MO son in same hospital as my m m/c. (I have a strange feeling to have to write missed m/c, rather than stillborn based on a few short weeks of gestation)
Arawyn is a beautiful name. I am glad that your family was able to share time with her, take pictures and create memories. At least for my healing that has helped.
Interesting that you also had retained tissue. I have no idea how often such a thing happens, but it was a miserable experience for me, since all I wanted was to move through my grief and have the physical things fade.
Are you doing anything differently this time with pg? Perhaps better for the other forum, but I want to share hope with you for your growing bean. I am in month 6 now, and go through moments of fear/sadness/anxiety and more...but I have great hope and passion for this nipper. Cannot wait to meet him/her!

Thank you for sharing YOUR story. I find peace in knowing I am not alone in my head with the experience.


----------



## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

So sorry about your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.


----------



## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I had that same feeling. I really wanted to move forward with my grief but felt like I couldn't because my body was still stuck thinking it was pregnant. I don't know how common retaining tissue is, but my midwife said it was more common in preterm delivery. Apparently the placenta isn't ready to release and so peices get left behind.

Quote:

Are you doing anything differently this time with pg?
I am not doing that much differently. I am trying to remember each day to take time out and connect with my baby. I am still seeing the same midwife, and will most likely deliver in the same hospital. It feels strange because sometimes I do have to remind myself that this is a different pregnancy, and can have a different ending. Thank you for sharing some positive thoughts. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I look forward to both of us getting to meet our new little ones.


----------



## mrspeeper (Jun 27, 2004)

I am so sorry to read these stories of horrible loss. I worked as a labor and delivery nurse for 4 years and believe it or not your stories are helping me process what I had to help with. I remember 2 of my "loss" patients in particluar and one of them still gives me nightmares once in a great while, especially while I was pregnant. It's so sad how some providers are so insensitive to the mother and baby in this situation. I wish there was more specialized training in every hospital or birth center for nurses helping families deal with this tragedy, like a "grief consultant" similar to a lactation consultant. My prayers are with all of you as well as those who cared for you.


----------



## atozmama (May 2, 2005)

CB I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby mid pregnancy, and could feel the pain of your post reminded me of.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrspeeper*
It's so sad how some providers are so insensitive to the mother and baby in this situation. I wish there was more specialized training in every hospital or birth center for nurses helping families deal with this tragedy, like a "grief consultant" similar to a lactation consultant.

Add to that EMT's. After I started bleeding at 21 weeks, I spent the night in the hospital and was released the next day to go home on bed rest. I didn't realize it but I was in labor, the drs told me it was bladder spasms from being catherized. My son was born at home. still alive. The EMT, ER staff, and OB on call were terrible. Zachariah was transported to the hospital in a plastic biohazard bag. Thankfully a good friend showed up at the hospital and helped me immensely. With my friends help i choose the maternity floor. Once up there, they were wonderful.

I have since had two full term non-medicated births at the same hospital. My birth plan always specified not to put me in that room and my drs knew I did not want that particular OB. The birth center staff was great and accomidated me all the way.


----------



## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

Kelly.
I am an EMT (& so is my DH), so our personal experience has really helped with empathy during any OB responses, among other types of calls. I have done some local training to help emergency medical providers TRY to understand what a woman is coping with during that sort of crisis. I only hope it helps alittle, for someone, somewhere, sometime.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the swirl of emotions around your son's too-early birth. Thankfully you have had 2 positive experiences! Sharing the good is such a warm ray to others who have no yet been blessed with a surviving child. That is one of the reasons I continue to share and post....and talk about my first lost son, and my now very active toddler son...as well as my current pregnancy. Hope springs eternal.

Thank you for sharing a piece of your own story.


----------

