# No cell phones at the party, please



## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

My dd is having her birthday slumber party right now. Usually these things go smoothly, and it is, for the most part.

My problem with it all--one of the girls has a cell phone (they are all 11-12, in 6th grade). And she brought it. And she and a couple of the girls have been on it almost non-stop. It's driving me crazy.

At some point I am going to have to tell them no more phone calls will be made from this house, no matter whose phone it is.

Next year, is it kosher to tell the parents "Please have the kids leave their cell phones at home; if they need to make a phone call, they can use our phone."?


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I wouldnt' ask them not to bring their cell phone but I would ask the parents to talk about manners. I would also have them hang their phone at the door.


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## UptownZoo (May 11, 2003)

Sigh. I'd be scared to make a "no cell phones" request of some of my DDs parents. My DD and most of her friends have phones, but a couple of the parents are really weird about them.







I guess I wouldn't do it, but my relationship with DD's friends is such that I could probably just tell them to put the phones away, and they would. I guess I'm saying that I don't think it's an unreasonable request, but that there are plenty of parents who would be highly offended by it.


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## TattooedMommy (Aug 11, 2006)

To be perfectly honest, my daughter would not be allowed to go _anywhere_ she couldn't take her phone. Her phone is my lifeline to her. If something is wrong, someone is making her uncomfortable, etc. I can know about it immediately and be there to get her. You know what I mean? I *could* understand not letting the children be on the phone all night, and asking them to put it away. That seems reasonable to me.


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TattooedMommy* 
To be perfectly honest, my daughter would not be allowed to go _anywhere_ she couldn't take her phone. Her phone is my lifeline to her. If something is wrong, someone is making her uncomfortable, etc. I can know about it immediately and be there to get her. You know what I mean? I *could* understand not letting the children be on the phone all night, and asking them to put it away. That seems reasonable to me.









:


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I would be sort of freaked out by a request like that. Our son has a cell-phone for safety reasons. Unless I knew you very well, and knew your reasoning, I would feel suspicious about any expectation that might limit his ability to contact me in an emergency.

Honestly, in your situation -- I would walk into the room and cheerfully say, "_Its much too late to be on the phone right now, unless you need to call your mom or dad. Please put the phone away and find something else to entertain yourselves with. "_


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TattooedMommy* 
To be perfectly honest, my daughter would not be allowed to go _anywhere_ she couldn't take her phone. Her phone is my lifeline to her. If something is wrong, someone is making her uncomfortable, etc. I can know about it immediately and be there to get her. You know what I mean? I *could* understand not letting the children be on the phone all night, and asking them to put it away. That seems reasonable to me.









:

Last night my daughter was at a school sanctioned "overnighter." Somewhere around midnight something she said was taken out of context and all her "friends" got mad at her. (Her best friend was unable to go.) After crying in the bathroom for a couple hours she finally called me and asked me to come get her.

Now if this has been a "slumber party" at someones house, I know my DD would have been uncomfortable asking the parent to use their phone to call home. She would have suffered until the next morning, possibly escalating the situation because she was unable to remove herself from it.

And for the record, my DD got her call phone when she was 11 and in the 6th grade. Many of her friends did not have home phones and I was never able to get a hold of her when she was at their homes. I will probably get my eight year old one as well when she gets a bit older.


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## jeca (Sep 21, 2002)

I think you should just tell them to leave the phones with their things next time asking them not to bring them at all would seem a bit weird.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I would just tell the girls that they should put their phones away now if you feel the phone use is getting excessive. Remind them that they're at a party and supposed to be interacting with each other, not with random friends on the other end of the line. It's fine to call home or answer if mom or dad (or an older sibling or a grandparent) calls, but keep it short.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

That just wouldn't work for me and my kids at all. For the most part if they can't bring the phone they'd probably just pass on the event altogether.

Why is the phone useage bothering you?


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

Wow, I'm surprised that so many people feel that a cell phone is a necessary accessory for a pre-teen. Good to know. The reason I thought of asking them not to bring it is because I thought that would be more acceptable than asking the kids to leave them on the counter (in effect, confiscating them).

The reason I felt they were inappropriate is that I didn't like how they were using them; calling a girl who wasn't invited to the party (granted, she kept calling back, and seemed to not be upset about it, but still, I think it's inconsiderate), prank calling a boy down the street; tossing the phone back and forth across the creek (it hit the ground a couple of times, but never got wet or in the mud, so I guess it's okay), and simply talking on the phone when they could have been playing. I suppose the scene at the creek was the best visual metaphore for pre-teens; half the girls knee-deep in the creek, catching tadpoles and frogs, and a couple of the girls on their phones up on the bank, talking to a boy from school who they, of course, don't like, but still want to call and tell him every detail. At one point I asked them to just tell him to come over if they wanted to talk to him (he lives two blocks away, he comes over to play sometimes, he's a cool fellow) but that elicited a couple of squeals to the contrary.

I figured the authority I have to ask to not bring cells phones is the same authority I exert over all electronic media in my own home--video games, tv, computer, etc. I don't want them bringing their laptop or their x-box, either, and I would feel well within my rights to ask people not to send these over with their kids. With all but one of these girls at the party, these are kids I've know for 8 years or more (and they are all 11-12 years old).

Well, thanks for the opinions. It's good to hear from people for whom a cell phone is more important. I would have never guessed that parents feel that a cell phone is that important for their kids, and a requirement to be able to attend an event, even a sleep-over at a friend's house. Good to know. This party definitely reinforced to my husband and I that our kids aren't getting a cell phone for several more years unless they buy it and cover the costs themselves, though.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Isn't talking on the phone a huge part of being that age? I know that's around the time I and my friends wanted to be in constant contact to rehash every minute of the day...and this was long before cell phones. Coming home from school was a mad dash to get to the phone to talk to people I'd spent the day with. If not for the invention of the cordless, I'd've paced the same few square feet in my room all day.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, if that's how they want to spend their time and they are enjoying themselves (and it sounds like they're even getting around outside), does it really matter? If they were calling a girl who wasn't invited and teasing her, then I'd put a stop to that. Or if your DD felt no one was really paying attention to her party because they were all so wrapped up in the phone, I'd consider that rude and try to guide them in a different direction. But if they're all just chatting and her feelings aren't hurt, and everyone is having a good time...I just can't see the problem.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

There is a camp next weekend my dd's are going to. She's 8, but it is for kids in Sparks, Brownies, Guides & Pathfinders so ages 6-15/16. No cel phones are allowed(same with ipods & any gaming thing). The cel phones are not allowed for the girls because they do not want the girls texting & being on the phone instead of participating like they should be or being on it all night(it's a 2 night camp).

I don't see a need for cel phones at a sleepover. I'd have the parents number if I needed to get in touch with them and my kids are comfortable enough in any situation to ask to use the house phone to call home if necessary. There's nothing wrong with kids using a house phone for what they were doing(other than throwing it across the creek).

I'd be more concerned about the cel phone if it had video/picture ability and what they were doing with that part of it behind closed doors.


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

I think it says a lot in this day and age, that a child (and these young ones are children) would choose their cell phones over their friends. OP - I completely see your point. As long as you have a home phone and the girls are welcome to use it to call their parents if there is a problem, they should shut off their phones or leave them in their bag. When did cell phones become more important than real people??

Of course, I am a little old fashioned - I wouldn't/didn't give my children a cell phone until they were driving or going somewhere that there were no phones. Up until then, they were always someplace I knew the parents/school officials and had access to a phone. I can't imagine an 8/10 year old needing a phone. But that is just me.......


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *primjillie* 
Of course, I am a little old fashioned - I wouldn't/didn't give my children a cell phone until they were driving or going somewhere that there were no phones. Up until then, they were always someplace I knew the parents/school officials and had access to a phone. I can't imagine an 8/10 year old needing a phone. But that is just me.......

The kids in the op are 12. Honestly I don't see what the problem is. These kids could very well be on the house phone making all these phone calls. How is this really different than the kids who had their own phones in their bed rooms when you and I were kids? I had a "house" phone in my room at that age, and a couple of my friends had their own phone numbers. I am not really seeing the problem in how they are using it.

Why would a 12 year old need their own phone? So they can go to the library and you can call them when it is time to come home. So when they take an hour to walk home from said library which is about a 20 minute walk, you can call to make sure they are OK instead of worrying that they aren't. So when they stay the night at their friends you can call them to find out what time they plan to be home when the parents don't have a house phone and only use cell phones. (Which is the norm around here.) So they can just go "out" with their friends and you can still be in contact with them to find out what is going on. There are a million reasons why a 12 year old would need a cell phone.

My daughter does have some rules with the phone. She is not to use it to chit chat with friends except on weekends or after seven. Otherwise she needs to use the house phone to talk to her friends. No text messaging ever! (Of course now that they have unlimited plans I might consider a plan for her birthday.) She has had the phone for 2.5 years and followed the rules. She did tell me the other night she text messaged her best friend when all the drama happened at the overnighter. She offered me 20 cents for the text message. Of course since it was one message, and she told me about it, I am not going to punish her. She was trying to get a hold of a friend in a stressful and trying situation. Unfortunatly, for her, her friend was at home asleep at 1am.

In this day and age I believe cell phones are an important tool to help keep our children safe. It also allows them a bit more freedom as I might let her stay out later or go further because I know I can call her to find out when she will be home and where she is.


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## Novella (Nov 8, 2006)

Original poster: I completely agree with your sentiments that requesting no cell phones brought to a sleep-over at your house is exactly the same as asking kids to refrain from bringing other electronic gadgets with them.

I'm not slamming others, especially because I feel pretty darn attached to my own kids and miss them terribly/worry about them when they are gone. But I think that sometimes we parents are using cell phones and similar aids as a further means to feel that we are in control of the situations our kids are in, or to foster a sense that we can "save them" from life if we have the ability to connect with them by phone at any given second.

One poster mentioned a daughter crying in a bathroom after being teased. Yes, mean and sad. Nope, wouldn't WANT it to be happening to my daughter. YEP: situations like this are a normal part of life/humanity/growing up.

While someone else mentioned that intense phone-use is typical of this age-group, that tendency doesn't mean that attempts to teach balance should be thrown to the wind. Presumably, the reason the kids have attended the sleep-over is to do things TOGETHER. Most of us are addicted to technology and gadgetry of various kinds. Expecting pre-teens to take their phones with them, yet leave those oh-so-tempting phones in their backpacks seems unreasonable.

A cell phone is not a silver bullet and I'm really surprised by how many parents responded that a phone is an essential SAFETY item for her/his child to leave the house with. Given the proliferation of cell phones these days, it's extremely likely that if your child were in trouble somewhere, a phone (ie. someone else's) would be immediately handy. But I think it's even more likely that if something truly awful was happening (ie. sexual/physical abuse, kidnapping, etc) that the presence of a cell phone would be of little benefit.

The big question lurking in my mind is for those parents who responded that if asked to keep the child's cell phone at home for a sleep-over, said child would not attend sleep-over: If you are so suspicious of the parents of your child's friends, why would you allow your child to attend that home without you (yet with a cell phone)? I just don't see that taking along a little phone makes a situation that was previously deemed strange and unsafe suddenly comfortable and OK.

And on another tangent: Kids aren't exactly the most conscientious group I've ever met. They lose/forget/misplace things CONSTANTLY. If a cell phone is essential to a kid's personal safety, I think we're hanging by a fraying thread.

. . . This is starting to remind me a lot of that quote about the possessions we own, owning us. . .


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

That is fine if it works for you. It doesn't work for me. I always (hopefully!) knew where my 12 year old was, they were always where a phone was available or a responsible adult was within helping distance. If there was a time where they needed a phone, I would just lend them mine. I can't remember a time where a cell phone would have made a difference. I think when they are at parties, they should be socializing, watching movies, doing make up, etc., not talking on their phones to other people. I think that is rude to the hostess. I honestly cringe when I see kids with their phones glued to their ears round the clock and can't seem to exist without them. People did have a life before cell phones, but I think they have forgotten how to now.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

I guess I'm unpopular, because I would say on the invite that the girl can either leave the cell phone at home or I will confiscate it at the door with my home phone number on the invitation. The parents can call my house if they want to reach a child, and the child can use my phone. Honestly, since when did our daughters become such sensitive flowers that they can't ask an adult to use the phone? We had sleepovers in the seventies and eighties, believe it or not, without cell phones. I left one when I was 16 -- it was a high school sorority hazing and I got bored/uncomfortable -- and I used the phone to call my parents and I did not die. I'm sure the cell phones can cause more drama and hurt feelings than they help. I would also say that you can't use the house phone after 9pm. I am trying to picture a parent from my childhood knowingly allowing a child of 12 to call friends after 9pm ... nope, I can't see it.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

My 10 yo. has a phone because he gets home from school 10 minutes before I get home from work, and he walks from the bus stop. If he finds himself locked out, if he is harassed by neighborhood kids, if something happens to the bus -- I want him to be able to call me.

He also goes on long bike rides by himself. I don't feel right about limiting his distance too much because he is a little bit overweight, and bicycling is one of the few physical activities he is interested in doing. Having the phone makes me feel safer about giving him some freedom and a decent workout.

I don't mind the expectation that he leave his phone home when he goes to camp. The camp is licensed, we know the staff, and we know he is supervised all the time. If he were invited to the sleepover of a close friend, and I understood the reasoning, then I would honor the request that he leave his phone at home. However, if he received a random invitation from someone I didn't know well, and there was a specific request that he leave his cell phone at home -- I would feel concerned to say the least. My first thought would be to wonder why this parent would want to limit my kid's access to me.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
My first thought would be to wonder why this parent would want to limit my kid's access to me.

I think you are overreaching; the parent is not asking you to turn off YOUR cell phone during the party.


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

The middle school in my community has dealt with several "incidents" involving improper use of cell phones slumber parties. Camera and video phones seem to cause more problems, but ordinary ones have led to problems too. I would completely support a parent asking that cell phones be left home or handed over to the host parent during an event.

I wouldn't let my child sleep over at the house of someone I didn't know well anyway.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ManitobaMom* 
Original poster: I completely agree with your sentiments that requesting no cell phones brought to a sleep-over at your house is exactly the same as asking kids to refrain from bringing other electronic gadgets with them.

I don't. A cell phone is a tool an Xbox is a game console that attaches to your TV.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ManitobaMom* 
One poster mentioned a daughter crying in a bathroom after being teased. Yes, mean and sad. Nope, wouldn't WANT it to be happening to my daughter. YEP: situations like this are a normal part of life/humanity/growing up.

Are you saying I should have LEFT her in this situation all night because "thats life?" I realize "thats life," and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it, but it doesn't mean I have to LEAVE her in that situation for another 6 hours!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ManitobaMom* 
A cell phone is not a silver bullet and I'm really surprised by how many parents responded that a phone is an essential SAFETY item for her/his child to leave the house with. Given the proliferation of cell phones these days, it's extremely likely that if your child were in trouble somewhere, a phone (ie. someone else's) would be immediately handy. But I think it's even more likely that if something truly awful was happening (ie. sexual/physical abuse, *kidnapping*, etc) that the presence of a cell phone *would be of little benefit*.

I disagree, since cell phones have built in GPS units and can be tracked. Yes it might be ditched, but it might not and even if it is ditched and found by police it might lead a clue to finding your child.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ManitobaMom* 
And on another tangent: Kids aren't exactly the most conscientious group I've ever met. They lose/forget/misplace things CONSTANTLY. If a cell phone is essential to a kid's personal safety, I think we're hanging by a fraying thread.

My daughter has never lost her phone. My DH on the other hand has lost several, misplaces/forgets his all the time, and has even had one run over. The phone is safer with dd!


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Wow. I am really surprised at the number of moms that think a cell phone at a sleepover is essential. When my child attends a sleepover I always know the parents well enough to call my child on their house phone. I prefer to do that because it gives the other parent a chance to give me any needed information.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnysideup* 
Wow. I am really surprised at the number of moms that think a cell phone at a sleepover is essential. When my child attends a sleepover I always know the parents well enough to call my child on their house phone. I prefer to do that because it gives the other parent a chance to give me any needed information.

I have stated before, many of my daughter's friends don't have home phones. We have Verison here which ripes you off big time so many people have cell phones. I don't have the number of the parents cell phones. Things are just different here. DD has one friend who has stayed the night SEVERAL times. I didn't meet her mom for two years!


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## primjillie (May 4, 2004)

Wow, I am surprised you wouldn't get the number of the parent's cell phone. What if you couldn't get your daughter/son to answer their cell phone? Who would you call then? I always knew the parents of my child's friends who had sleepovers and always had the phone number and address. They couldn't stay over without me having that info and meeting the parents.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *primjillie* 
Wow, I am surprised you wouldn't get the number of the parent's cell phone. What if you couldn't get your daughter/son to answer their cell phone? Who would you call then? I always knew the parents of my child's friends who had sleepovers and always had the phone number and address. They couldn't stay over without me having that info and meeting the parents.

I know the address and I would have to go over there I guess. The mom's just don't give out their "cell phone" number because they don't want the kids calling it. My DD doesn't stay the night over at that house any more anyway. In my opinion that mom doesn't supervise the kids enough. (for instance, letting them go to a carnival by themselves at 9pm when they were 11/12.







: ) The other mom like that, my DD has never stayed at their house. Their dd always stayed here. These mom's however are #1 reason we bought DD her cell phone in the first place.


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

I don't think a cell phone is essential. But what exactly is the problem with the girl having a phone at the slumber party?

And what is "improper use of cell phones?"

OP, what is it exactly you are objecting to?


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I don't think its essential. I just think its over stepping a boundary to forbid guests to carry one.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *UnschoolnMa* 
That just wouldn't work for me and my kids at all. For the most part if they can't bring the phone they'd probably just pass on the event altogether.

Why is the phone useage bothering you?

It would bother me too. It's rude to hang out on the phone when you are a guest in someone's home, and it's even more rude for the host to do it.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaraBoo* 
I don't think a cell phone is essential. But what exactly is the problem with the girl having a phone at the slumber party?

And what is "improper use of cell phones?"

OP, what is it exactly you are objecting to?

You go to a slumber party to visit with your friends, not talk on the phone to other people...it's bad manners.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

I ask/tell them phones are for emergencies only at your house and please put them away and only answer if their gaurdian calls. Honestly, if they were too rude to comply they wouldn't be invited back. It feels awful to be a third wheel at your own house while your guest talks on the phone to someone instead of talking to you.


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## forthebest (Jun 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
You go to a slumber party to visit with your friends, not talk on the phone to other people...it's bad manners.


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## forthebest (Jun 19, 2006)

I have seen this happen at parties, it can cause some division and can be annoying to some. It's a bit like visiting someone and they can't be bothered to avert their eyes from the tv. There is usually some huge drama unfolds via cellphone. Everywhere you go people are on their cell phones all the time, a lot of people really do think they are cool just to be holding em.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
You go to a slumber party to visit with your friends, not talk on the phone to other people...it's bad manners.

You never called boys or made prank calls at a slumber party?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *forthebest* 
I have seen this happen at parties, it can cause some division and can be annoying to some. It's a bit like visiting someone and they can't be bothered to avert their eyes from the tv. There is usually some huge drama unfolds via cellphone. Everywhere you go people are on their cell phones all the time, a lot of people really do think they are cool just to be holding em.

People are on the phone every where you go these days due to business a majority of the time. I DO find this annoying as we can't even go out to dinner as a family because "work" is calling. It's not a matter of being cool, it is a matter of being able to conduct business and having money to support your family.

I still don't see the difference between the girls making these calls on the cell phone vrs. a land line.


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## forthebest (Jun 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
You never called boys or made prank calls at a slumber party?

People are on the phone every where you go these days due to business a majority of the time. I DO find this annoying as we can't even go out to dinner as a family because "work" is calling. It's not a matter of being cool, it is a matter of being able to conduct business and having money to support your family.

I still don't see the difference between the girls making these calls on the cell phone vrs. a land line.


I think a lot of people are on their cell phones because it's very convenient, which is fine cos it helps people keep in touch. Lots of people still use them for the sake of using them imo, a kind of cell phone cameraderie, there are lots of people who subscribe to the must have the latest cell phone/ jeans/or whatever so they are definitely cool to some, yes business will deffo come into it, but as more people are communicating via the technology available they are just on phones more often. Being interrupted when you attempt to have family time, like dinner, kinda says it for me cos it's so easy for someone to get a hold of someone else and it's not always very important that they do. I think that if your dc had a sleepover or party and cell phones were not present I don't think there would be a queue for the landline.







I also think there can be an exclusion/inclusion issue with them at times in the context of girls slumber parties.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
You never called boys or made prank calls at a slumber party?

No I never used the phone as a toy. It was always considered a tool in our home. Aren't prank calls illegal?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
People are on the phone every where you go these days due to business a majority of the time. I DO find this annoying as we can't even go out to dinner as a family because "work" is calling. It's not a matter of being cool, it is a matter of being able to conduct business and having money to support your family.

I still don't see the difference between the girls making these calls on the cell phone vrs. a land line.

It's one thing if they are alltogether on the phone....using speakerphone or something to talk to a friend that couldn't make it to the party. But my experience has been that they use the phone to talk to someone instead of interacting with their hostess, which is VERY rude.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I still feel confused about why the OP couldn't just step in and ask the kids to put the phones away for a bit and choose a different activity. If something is rude or bothersome, is okay to use your words by expressing how you feel and asking for a change. Its not always necessary to set a "policy" when you are dealing with a small group of kids for a special activity.


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## nonnymoose (Mar 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pigpokey* 
I guess I'm unpopular, because I would say on the invite that the girl can either leave the cell phone at home or I will confiscate it at the door with my home phone number on the invitation. The parents can call my house if they want to reach a child, and the child can use my phone. Honestly, since when did our daughters become such sensitive flowers that they can't ask an adult to use the phone? We had sleepovers in the seventies and eighties, believe it or not, without cell phones. I left one when I was 16 -- it was a high school sorority hazing and I got bored/uncomfortable -- and I used the phone to call my parents and I did not die. I'm sure the cell phones can cause more drama and hurt feelings than they help. I would also say that you can't use the house phone after 9pm. I am trying to picture a parent from my childhood knowingly allowing a child of 12 to call friends after 9pm ... nope, I can't see it.

This is my position exactly.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
No I never used the phone as a toy. It was always considered a tool in our home. Aren't prank calls illegal?

So is TPing and egging peoples homes. Technically so is cussing on the phone.


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

Sorry for not clarifying. The following activities would qualify as improper use of cell phones and are all things I have heard of middle school aged children doing:

- taking someone else's phone and using it to send an obscene or insulting text message to someone you want to offend anonymously.
- taking pictures of yourself or others with a phone and sending them to other people as a means of embarassing the person in the picture or the owner of the phone you are using.
- calling someone not present at an event to make that person feel left out.

I don't use my personal cell phone that much, so I'm not fully aware of the potentials. I'm sure if I asked my students they could offer a much longer list.

I would hope that my dd is friends only with nice kids who would never intentionally do anything mean. I can't guarantee that they will think through their actions rationally in the middle of the night though.


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## Susana (Feb 26, 2002)

I just told my mom today I do not believe we ran all over town when I was a teen without cell phones. I can't imagine my kids not having theirs when they're gone somewhere. And I'd be a little weirded out by the request to leave the phone at home, just because it's so controlling.

And heck yes, when I was that age the phone should have just been glued to my ear...good times.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
I still feel confused about why the OP couldn't just step in and ask the kids to put the phones away for a bit and choose a different activity. If something is rude or bothersome, is okay to use your words by expressing how you feel and asking for a change. Its not always necessary to set a "policy" when you are dealing with a small group of kids for a special activity.

True.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

My Dd calls her friend after 9pm often.







It's never been an issue.

I agree that if specific girls were causing some hurt feelings via cell phone the host girl/adult could just bring it up and talk it over. I don't get the need for a ban on all cell phones at the sleep over. It sounds too much like "Because Billy did xyz the whole class can suffer." and that was never fun.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

At the last sleep over my daughter was at (ages 13-14) they were making prank calls at like 1 in the morning. My place you can't get cell recpetion (in woods). I do hope though that when she is at freinds they are doing other things (connecitng with each other) I call it being "unplugged". I set limits on the screen when she has girls over (one at a time) I want to supervise. I do understand wanting to have access to my child and have sent her with cell phone for that reason . I like the idea of checking it at the door and perhaps having time for checkin time. I think needing to involve lots of other kids that aren't over there is not necessary. I will call the land line as she either does not check her calls, turns it off or there is no reception. Sallie


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

All of those behaviours listed could be addressed. It isn't the cell phone creating those behaviours.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KaraBoo* 
All of those behaviours listed could be addressed. It isn't the cell phone creating those behaviours.

This, exactly. Both of mine have cell phones (13 & 15) and have for several years. They're very convenient for when they unexpectedly stay later at school, are returning from a game/meet and need to let me know when to pick them up (the teachers really shouldn't be responsible for providing their cell phone to an entire team, IMO), if they're out and a ride unexpectedly falls through or they're going to be late. I've found that they key to not losing them (for my kids, anyway), is to always have them. Then there's no question of "did I bring it this time, or not?" However, both know that I'm not going to keep re-upping their time if it's wasted.

With regard to sleepovers & phone usage... We just haven't had a problem, and most of their friends have cells.

My son's Scout troop doesn't permit phones or other electronics to be used, but doesn't bar them from being brought. In case of an emergency, better safe than sorry.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lorijds* 

The reason I felt they were inappropriate is that I didn't like how they were using them; calling a girl who wasn't invited to the party (granted, she kept calling back, and seemed to not be upset about it, but still, I think it's inconsiderate), prank calling a boy down the street; tossing the phone back and forth across the creek (it hit the ground a couple of times, but never got wet or in the mud, so I guess it's okay), and simply talking on the phone when they could have been playing. I suppose the scene at the creek was the best visual metaphore for pre-teens; half the girls knee-deep in the creek, catching tadpoles and frogs, and a couple of the girls on their phones up on the bank, talking to a boy from school who they, of course, don't like, but still want to call and tell him every detail. At one point I asked them to just tell him to come over if they wanted to talk to him (he lives two blocks away, he comes over to play sometimes, he's a cool fellow) but that elicited a couple of squeals to the contrary.

.

When I was about 12 or 13 or 14, we used to make similar calls at sleepovers but there were no cell phones.

I would not ban the phones, I'd ask them to stop using the phones if you want to set that limit, but not ban them.

I mean in the old days







their friends and local boys would have been lurking in the bushes, calling you on the house phone all night etc.

I have a teen and a preteen and no cell phones yet. I think they're useful in certain settings but since their friends often have them that reassures me about any need for them!

I will get them eventually but I feel content for now.


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

My daughter is 13 and just got her phone this year. She has a TracFone and I am soooo glad she does - she has used it a bunch of times to call to tell me that practice is going to be over half an hour early/to pick her up after her softball game at such-and-such a time/that her ride won't be bringing her home/etc. BUT she also knows that her phone is to be used to call me and/or her grandparents. She has ocassionally asked to use it to call a friend and that has been fine, but for the most part it is only to be used to keep her connected to me. I am a single mom with three kids, and it can be hard to keep everyone going in the right direction all the time, and her cell phone has been very helpful to our family.

Here in the sticks where we live our cell phones don't work, so I wouldn't have the worry about a bunch of kids talking on them during a sleepover, but I have to say that it has never come up anyway. My daughter had six girls here in October, and it was never even mentioned that they wanted to spend time on the phone - cell or my home phone.

That said, my daughter would bring her cell with her to your house and leave it in her bag. She would not be yakking on it, unless she needed to call me for some reason.


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TattooedMommy* 
To be perfectly honest, my daughter would not be allowed to go _anywhere_ she couldn't take her phone. Her phone is my lifeline to her. If something is wrong, someone is making her uncomfortable, etc. I can know about it immediately and be there to get her. You know what I mean?

Is there some reason a land-line in a home is not just as good a lifeline?


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
So is TPing and egging peoples homes. Technically so is cussing on the phone.










I didn't/don't do any of those things either, not necessarily because it's illegal, but because it's disrespectful and unloving, and in some cases vandalism and destruction of another person's property.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
I didn't/don't do any of those things either, not necessarily because it's illegal, but because it's disrespectful and unloving, and in some cases vandalism and destruction of another person's property.

Well I have never TPed or egged anyone either. I have however done plenty of other "illegal" things when I was a teen and believe me, I would MUCH rather my child make harmless prank calls. Although I don't see my daughter doing that.


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## Novella (Nov 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
I don't. A cell phone is a tool an Xbox is a game console that attaches to your TV.

A cell phone is a tool when it's being used as a _tool_ (ie. to make a necessary phone call). It's a toy when it's being used:
- as a fashion accessory
- to sport charms and funky carrying cases
- to "wield power" by promoting one's socio-economic status
- to take or share photographs or videos
- to play games
- to text message your friends who are seated within arms reach
- as a social crutch to avoid interacting with a group you are part of
- as a conduit to impressing people with the fancy ringtone you downloaded
- to conduct lengthy social conversations for fun and amusement (and no, I'm not immune to "fun and amusement" with phones myself)

I think the original poster's concerns concerns about the cell phone use at the slumber party were because there was a lot more of the "toy" use of the phones observed than the "tool" use.

Some have asked why the original poster couldn't just ask the girls to stop making the late-night phone calls to other kids. True, but I'm suspecting that with the level of continual cell phone "horsing around" that was described in the original post, the parent probably _had_ said something to the kids, prior to posting the thread in frustration.

Further on the suggestion to ask the kids to stop: I guess if an adult could just ask kids to do something and count on results, this forum wouldn't have a huge category for Gentle Discipline.







I seem to remember some giggling non-compliance as an integral part of childhood!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
Are you saying I should have LEFT her in this situation all night because "thats life?" I realize "thats life," and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it, but it doesn't mean I have to LEAVE her in that situation for another 6 hours!

I KNEW my comment was going to illicilt this sort of response!







: I guess what I'm saying is that a cell phone can't save a kid from many of the unpleasantries and "hard knocks" of growing up. And as much as each one of us parents wants to protect our dear baby from every harm and disappointment, there's a line where sheltering a kid too much isn't good for that's child's esteem, coping-mechanisms, etc. If the situation was truly bad enough, a parent can be easily reached using a traditional phone (at the camp, wasn't it?) rather than child retreating to cry with a cell phone in a lonely room. The need to seek out another phone might have even brought the child into contact with a helpful and caring adult on the scene - it's nice for a kid to learn that there's a wider community that cares about you. Or in the end, perhaps said child will _learn_ as much as he/she would _suffer_ from enduring the "horrors" of the situation for another 6 hours. Obviously, if it was a situation of long-standing, vicious emotional abuse - help my child/your child right now! If it's something falling far short of that extreme (which it often is) then there are certainly opportunities for effective parenting the following day or when the child returns home.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
I disagree, since cell phones have built in GPS units and can be tracked. Yes it might be ditched, but it might not and even if it is ditched and found by police it might lead a clue to finding your child.


Well, you've "got me" on that one. I guess now that cell phones are so ubiquitous, we'll see vastly improved stats of law enforcement solving child abductions and the like.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
My daughter has never lost her phone. My DH on the other hand has lost several, misplaces/forgets his all the time, and has even had one run over. The phone is safer with dd!

Cute and true in lots of households! I'm glad you can see the humour in it.

IMHO, half of the discussion about cell phones for kids and safety is because they are so expensive. I think some of us are quietly feeling foolish to spend that money every month for something that is basically a convenience to us, and an amusement (often) to our kids. Citing a big safety factor suddenly becomes a trump card because "you can't put a price on safety".

I don't know what the school climates are like in the USA, but I know that up here, a lot of schools are banning cell phones in the classrooms. This is obviously a response to some of the "toy" uses of the phones. While rare, tragic school shootings have occured in both our countries. If cell phones were an essential safety item, schools would be wildly _encouraging_ them, both for the direct safety benefit, and to further protect themselves legally in the aftermath of a possible tragedy.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ManitobaMom* 
A cell phone is a tool when it's being used as a _tool_ (ie. to make a necessary phone call). It's a toy when it's being used:
- as a fashion accessory
- to sport charms and funky carrying cases
- to "wield power" by promoting one's socio-economic status
- to take or share photographs or videos
- to play games
- to text message your friends who are seated within arms reach
- as a social crutch to avoid interacting with a group you are part of
- as a conduit to impressing people with the fancy ringtone you downloaded
- to conduct lengthy social conversations for fun and amusement (and no, I'm not immune to "fun and amusement" with phones myself)

I have not had that experiance. I know others have, but not here. As I said before, EVERYONE has a cell phone. Even her "poor" friends.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ManitobaMom* 
I KNEW my comment was going to illicilt this sort of response!







: I guess what I'm saying is that a cell phone can't save a kid from many of the unpleasantries and "hard knocks" of growing up. And as much as each one of us parents wants to protect our dear baby from every harm and disappointment, there's a line where sheltering a kid too much isn't good for that's child's esteem, coping-mechanisms, etc. *If the situation was truly bad enough,* a parent can be easily reached using a traditional phone (at the camp, wasn't it?) rather than child retreating to cry with a cell phone in a lonely room. *The need to seek out another phone might have even brought the child into contact with a helpful and caring adult on the scene* - it's nice for a kid to learn that there's a wider community that cares about you. Or in the end, perhaps said child will _learn_ as much as he/she would _suffer_ from enduring the "horrors" of the situation for another 6 hours. Obviously, if it was a situation of long-standing, vicious emotional abuse - help my child/your child right now! If it's something falling far short of that extreme (which it often is) then there are certainly opportunities for effective parenting the following day or when the child returns home.

Who is to judge if the situation is bad enough? Maybe another adult wouldn't think it was bad enough to call home. Furthermore she WAS approached by several adults asking if everything is OK. She lied and said she was fine. My daughter, (and I am the same way) is not going to spill her guts to a stranger, no matter HOW helpful or caring they might seem.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ManitobaMom* 
Well, you've "got me" on that one. I guess now that cell phones are so ubiquitous, we'll see vastly improved stats of law enforcement solving child abductions and the like.









Cell phones HAVE been used to solve kidnappings. However it was generally someone stole my car with my baby and phone inside it. The car was tracked via the cell phone and the police found the baby.

Same thing happened her the other day with a car jacking. The cell phone was used to find the car and arrest the person who stole it at gun point.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ManitobaMom* 
IMHO, half of the discussion about cell phones for kids and safety is because they are so expensive. I think some of us are quietly feeling foolish to spend that money every month for something that is basically a convenience to us, and an amusement (often) to our kids. Citing a big safety factor suddenly becomes a trump card because "you can't put a price on safety".

Cell phones are NOT expensive. If they were, everyone and their brother wouldn't have them for their children. DD's cost us $10 a month. The phone itself was $100. Not much more than her MP3 player.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I've only skimmed the thread but can tell you that if dd can not bring her cell phone, it's a no go. In this day and age, you're going to be hard pressed to control communications whether via land-line, cell or internet. The thing you can try to instill is good manners in how a person uses them. I don't care if she identitifies with a certain ring tone and finds it somehow fitting to her. I don't care if she has a case for it that has a monkey on it and one hanging off it. *For me it is about free-expression* and I'm not going to insult her by saying it is silly or wrong. It is within her right to say what fanicies her. Other than being rude, I would be very angry at someone else telling my dd what is and is not justification for using her phone, or how it looks or even if it is silly to text someone next to her







:


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

They aren't allowed in school here. They're definitely still there though. As for the socio-economic status thing, my daughter's cell phone cost me $20 - which included 120 minutes and four months of service. This is actually her second phone this school year (we let the other one expire after volleyball season) - so basically it cost me $5/month total, including the cost of the phone. Totally worth it to this single mama with three kids to keep track of!


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Well that was interesting.. somehow when I refreshed it reposted.


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## Novella (Nov 8, 2006)

I guess cell phones must be a lot cheaper in the USA! Here, the most-common variants of plans will give you a free phone on a long-term contract (likely two years). But by the time you add up the monthly fee, the taxes, and the "system access fees" that are part of the fine print, it's an expense of about $30 every month.


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## BelgianSheepDog (Mar 31, 2006)

Was the study about cell phones and brain tumors debunked or am I being overly paranoid when I refuse to use the things for that reason?


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## Novella (Nov 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone* 
I don't care if she identitifies with a certain ring tone and finds it somehow fitting to her. I don't care if she has a case for it that has a monkey on it and one hanging off it. *For me it is about free-expression* and I'm not going to insult her by saying it is silly or wrong. It is within her right to say what fanicies her. Other than being rude, I would be very angry at someone else telling my dd what is and is not justification for using her phone, or how it looks or even if it is silly to text someone next to her







:

I agree, re: the freedom of expression point. I was not trying to suggest that everyone must sport identical, boring-looking Motorola "brick-phones" a-la-1980s for the sake of looking and/or being proper. Besides, for the right person, the fun expression of the monkey on the case seems pretty "proper" to me!







The list of some of the additional uses of cell phones was simply to illustrate that cell phones are usually not *primarily* the _lifelines_ that they are often presented to be.

I guess a large part of this discussion about cell phones at a pre-teen slumber party comes down to two camps of thought: One group considering how cell phones theoretically could be (and occasionally indeed _are_) used to solve crimes or other ilks. And the other camp considering how cell phones are more commonly used.


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

Quote:

I guess cell phones must be a lot cheaper in the USA! Here, the most-common variants of plans will give you a free phone on a long-term contract (likely two years). But by the time you add up the monthly fee, the taxes, and the "system access fees" that are part of the fine print, it's an expense of about $30 every month.
The one I got for my daughter is one of those prepaid cheapie phones. $20 got her 120 minutes, four months of service, and the phone. That way she still has the security and convenience of being able to call me to say practice is over early/the bus will be at the school at such-and-such a time after an away game/her ride can't bring her home after all, and it won't be such a big deal if she loses it. But she is now on phone number two and she's been completely responsible with it and has not misplaced it once.


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## polyhymnia (Jan 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelgianSheepDog* 
Was the study about cell phones and brain tumors debunked or am I being overly paranoid when I refuse to use the things for that reason?

No, it hasn't been, at least not that I've seen.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

Manitoba Mom said:

cell phone is a tool when it's being used as a tool (ie. to make a necessary phone call). It's a toy when it's being used:
- as a fashion accessory
- to sport charms and funky carrying cases
- to "wield power" by promoting one's socio-economic status
- to take or share photographs or videos
- to play games
- to text message your friends who are seated within arms reach
- as a social crutch to avoid interacting with a group you are part of
- as a conduit to impressing people with the fancy ringtone you downloaded
- to conduct lengthy social conversations for fun and amusement (and no, I'm not immune to "fun and amusement" with phones myself)

Exactly!!!! My 16.5 year old son uses this to communicate. It is a toy for my daughter-or more so a lot of her friends. It is an expensive toy and she left it at a frend's on Saturday. It will come in handy at volyball camp this summer but other than that, don't feel the maturity is there for unlimmited use.

I got off this trhead and the headline story in local paper (Gainesville, Fl.) was about cellphones and schools. One high shcool proncipla said they are just a fact of life.
The issue for me is the maturity level. I don't feel my 14 year old daughter needs unlimited use at this time. Sallie


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## neenmachine (May 4, 2007)

Don't forget who's in charge.

While it may be unreasonable to ask the kids to leave their cell phones at home, YOU can decide when and how they are to be used. Leave them at the door, set a time limit, whatever. Write a line in the invitation if you have to.

This party is for your daughter and her friends should abide by the rules of the house.


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ManitobaMom* 
I guess cell phones must be a lot cheaper in the USA! Here, the most-common variants of plans will give you a free phone on a long-term contract (likely two years). But by the time you add up the monthly fee, the taxes, and the "system access fees" that are part of the fine print, it's an expense of about $30 every month.











Now I'm off to finish reading.....


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

Ok I've finally read through all the responses and I have to wonder if this is a girl thing. My son can have a cell when he can afford to maintain a cell so until then he's stuck using the payphone or home phone.
I have a 15 yo DS and well I give him quarters to call home if he needs to get me (or he could call me collect too if in a bind) and I don't see him not having a cell phone as a safety risk. He has never been in a situation where he needed to get a hold of me and there wasn't a phone handy whether it be a home phone, payphone or someone else's cell...actually there have been times when he has called me on a friend's cell to pick him up when he could have used their home phone (I would have preferred that BTW) and I've asked him if it was costing anyone money to use the cell and both times I asked neither of them knew or really cared.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ManitobaMom
I guess cell phones must be a lot cheaper in the USA! Here, the most-common variants of plans will give you a free phone on a long-term contract (likely two years). But by the time you add up the monthly fee, the taxes, and the "system access fees" that are part of the fine print, it's an expense of about $30 every month.
DH and I carry cell phones. Adding extra phones to our plan for the kids cost us nothing. The phones were even free. They share our minutes, which we never use all of anyway.


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *StrugglingMomX's2* 
I have a 15 yo DS and well I give him quarters to call home if he needs to get me (or he could call me collect too if in a bind) and I don't see him not having a cell phone as a safety risk.


Payphones are disappearing at a rapid rate. There are less than 50 percent of those that were found in 2000, today. There is no pay phone anymore at our public library or local movie theater, for example. My dd's need to call me on a cell to come pick them up.

Cell phones also allow my dd to get calls from me at a friends house at let's say 9:30 at night, without disturbing her friend's baby siblings.

We use a family plan and it cost us next to nothing extra for the girls phones.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maya44* 
Payphones are disappearing at a rapid rate. There are less than 50 percent of those that were found in 2000, today. There is no pay phone anymore at our public library or local movie theater, for example. My dd's need to call me on a cell to come pick them up.

That is true. I can't remember the last time I actually SAW a pay phone. Oh wait, I think there is one at the grocery store... Our third grade brownie troop was playing with it during cookie sales. There isn't one at the movie theater, nor is there one in the entire complex the movie theater is in.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
That is true. I can't remember the last time I actually SAW a pay phone. Oh wait, I think there is one at the grocery store... Our third grade brownie troop was playing with it during cookie sales. There isn't one at the movie theater, nor is there one in the entire complex the movie theater is in.

And more often than not, they don't work.


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## Equuskia (Dec 16, 2006)

I remember getting lost once driving in the mountains. I remember passing a payphone on the way up, and I pointed it out to my dh, since this was a very rural area and the payphone kinda just stood out right there at the junction of the road. I stopped further up to ask someone for directions, and what do you know, he tells me to drive down to the payphone, pass it and make a turn further up. That about how rare payphones are here. And like lolar2 said, more often than not, they either don't work, or they have been vandalized in some form (like getting hit by a car and knocked over....don't ask!) So yea, I think a cell phone is very important.

As for cell phone usage at a party, if everyone was participating and having fun, I don't see the harm. Perhaps a gentle reminder to find something else to do, or a suggestion for another activity?


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## <~*MamaRose*~> (Mar 4, 2007)

LOL Payphones aren't rare here so I have no worries....again in my house he can have a cell when he can pay for it.


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