# Born on Earth day...too soon.



## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

It's been two weeks...We were 5 months into an unexpected but warmly embraced pregnancy. We have five lively sons that we enjoy homeschooling...the eldest working toward college dreams in spite of a traumatic brain injury that almost took his life, that stalled him a year an a half ago. This pregnancy made us all laugh when we discovered that he was a sweet little boy! What fun it was to be...we all felt the warmth he was bringing to our home. He had a place here... In spite of others raised eyebrows, rude comments, and even open dismay at our having "another" boy....he had a place in this home..with this family...and we were all in love with him.

Every night, the parade of boys would kiss their little brother "Mr. baby" to sleep, My 10 year old placing his head phones on my belly to instruct his little brother in the magical ways of "The Beetles"..hopeing to create another fan. My husbands sweet carress over the growing belly with life within...our surprise...warmed my heart, and I could feel our little son moving inside.

Several ultrasounds gave us the opportunity to see our little boy because he was growing next to a copper T IUD...unremovable due to the string that had migrated up and around it. We were assured that he was strong, healthy, and growing well. We were assured that the IUD was not a problem anymore as we had passed "the danger point." Our baby was a "keeper"...

and we were so glad!

and yet....as our midwife tried to find his heartbeat in a routiene visit, and we chatted about water birth and other fun topics...there was the silence. She said she wasn't worried...because he was in a funny position, but my eyes filled with tears and she sent us to get another ultrasound to ease my mind. I had noticed less movement...only the day before...and had asked him to show me he was there...I felt him move gently...but this....this was too much. The ultrasound showed us our baby...not moving...no heart beat. He was gone.

I was induced ...and he was born on Earth day. Our baby boy. So tiny...like a little angel.

Will the tears ever ever stop?

When people tell me I am lucky to have the other five boys, I feel so sad because it is like they think I don't KNOW how lucky I am. But he was my baby too. He was my son. he is gone...and my heart cries as deeply as it would cry over the loss of ANY of my children. we held our tiny son for 12 hours....but he was dead...and part of me died with him.


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## APintheAF (Jan 9, 2006)

Oh, mama. Hugs to you and all your boys.
I lost my 21-22 week twin girls just 3 days after you. I feel your pain.


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

So sorry for your loss.


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## Mary-Beth (Nov 20, 2001)

Sorry for your loss.
Of course, you grieve him. People says those things because they are desperate to say anything to help you feel better-- so desperate to look on the bright side. They don't understand.
I lost a baby too soon- on Thanksgiving day. I'm so blessed to have two other children and since the loss I am blessed to have gone on and had another baby. So I know what you mean about knowing your are blessed but still loving the child you lost.
Let the tears flow through you...write, draw, do anything you can to process this grief and celebrate the life of your son that came into your heart and into your family for 5 months-- maybe a short time but a time of great significance to you and your family.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Wow...I just posted...and already the hugs are here. I'm crying agian..of course, only now it is because I feel understood. To find out that HUGE numbers of women have experienced this kind of loss...but that it is a secret club that you only find out about AFTER it happens to you...well....it's just like having a door opened that shows you the reality of life. I wish it wasn't such a secret...I wish it was more in the open. I feel so alone in the world because of this. I can't make eye contact with anyone outside of my home without the flood gates opening again!

In addition to this....I'm having a lot of anger at certain relatives who were unsupportive of this pregnancy.







The ones who made comments during the pregnancy like "well, since the IUD didn't work, you should have your uterus removed to make sure this never happens again".







Those people are the ones I feel like screaming at...like pushing down the stairs! (is that too extreme???) This was my baby...he was not a "this". He wasn't something to "avoid". I used birth control. It was as effective as they come. I got pregnant...and I was able to adjust my "plans" and be over joyed that he was comming. It wasn't about not wanting him. We had no idea how much we wanted him until I was pregnant...and then our WORLD shifted and made room for him.

and now....there is this hole in all of our hearts.

How do I find a way to stop being angry at the people who were too narrow to love our little boy's life...as short as it was? I know that they will always be the close minded people they are...do I need to find room for them in this new understanding I have for my own life? It seems like they just DON'T fit anymore. I will never be the same person....why should I pretend that I am...HOW could I?

in addition to that...I just want to say...thank you to my new sisters. We share something...I feel the strength of it with you. The tears....they are a bond to our babies...and to each other. We understand this pain together. I am grateful for you.







:


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:

When people tell me I am lucky to have the other five boys, I feel so sad because it is like they think I don't KNOW how lucky I am. But he was my baby too. He was my son.
Yes, of course he was. And if you'd like to share his name or pictures of him or the story of his birth with us, we would welcome that as well.

I have four beautiful healthy children, and I love them dearly, but I still love and miss my son, William, who was born still Apr 1 of this year.

And tell those people who say, "Well at least you have five other children," that you have five fingers on each hand, too, and you'd like to keep them all.







:

This is a club no one wants to ever join, and at the same time, the community of baby-loss mama is soooo strong. We are truly legion - and yet no one ever hears our voices.







But we listen to each other... and I have found the single most healing thing I do every day is connect to other mothers who have experienced this pain. No one else can possibly understand.

HUGS, mama. Welcome to the "club"... we so wish you didn't have to be here...


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

Emerging Butterfly...my heart aches for you. I couldn't read your post and not comment. I will be praying for peace & comfort for you during this difficult time. Hugs to you mama...be gentle with yourself.

Peace & much love,


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I'm so sorry that you lost your precious son.

My son was stillborn at 22w5d in February. Yes I have 3 other wonderful kids, but he leaves a massive gap in our family where he should be. It is a hole felt not only by me & dh, but by my kids as well. Your callous family members forget that their scorn hurts not only you but your kids as well.

The days ahead are hard, but we are here for you.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Oh, mama, my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. Some people can be real d*cks. Distance yourself from them. They're not good for you and your family. You want people there to support you, not bring you pain and heartache.

I'd love to know his name, mama. Many, many hugs.














:


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

(((E-butterfly))) So very, very sorry, Mama.
We are here for you.







for your precious and much-loved baby boy


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your son was precious. I'll pray for you and your family. When our second son died last August one of the hardest parts was helping our 4 yo deal with his loss - he understands it so much deeper than I would have imagined he could before it happened.

My heart breaks for you. You'll never be the same but you will get through this. There is a new reality and you'll find your way. As others have said be gentle with yourself and with your DH and boys. You need each other.

Love to you all.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so sorry you're here.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Crying again...

went for a walk in the woods near my home for the first time alone since our baby died...beautiful wild flowers in yellow and purple colors catch my eye when I've been going there lately with my husband because they are the colors I associate with my little lost baby. His name...thank you so much for asking..no one ever _asks_......is Simon Alexander. Purple reminds me of him because on Easter my sweet husband and I were shopping for stuffed bunnies for our crew of lads...we had 5 brown chocolate scented ones. My husband picked up a silly purple duck that looked like a platypus...and said "What a cute little platy-puck." at that instant we felt our baby's energy of love wash over us...it was amazing...my husband asked me with wide eyes to match my own..."Did you FEEL that??" we bought the purple duck for our baby to celebrate that he was with us. I am so glad we got to celebrate his life in that way while he was with us.

While I was in labor I held that little duck so close and cried into it's purple fur. We nestled him next to our little Simon Alexander after he was born...close in a tiny blue blanket..for over 12 hours, while we took turns loving that little boy in our arms, wondering over his beauty..and crying.

The golden flowers remind me of him because after his birth, I had an allergic reaction to the morphine I asked them not to give me....passed out on the toilet from a combination of the severe blood loss and dangerously low blood pressure caused by the reaction, and found myself in a golden flowered field with my baby...he told me I couldn't come with him, that I had to stay here. The love was so huge in that golden place.

So when I go to the woods near my house, and I spend time in those gold and purple flowers, I really feel Simon with me.

I planted yellow and purple flowers in my flower garden for him. My husband found a wood arch in the forest and brought it to put in the garden, along with a stump that has a hole in it, to show the hole in our hearts. It is Simon Alexanders little garden now. My other dear son-shines want to put his ashes in the garden...and my 5 year old, who had at first been ambivilent about being a big brother held my hand today and said...it's going to be o.k. that the baby isn't comming, because he will have another chance to be in our family.

I cried again, and held my little boy so tight...tight enough to hold him, and the little boy I lost...My Simon Alexander.









Thanks everyone for holding my hand here. I'm so sad right now...I just can't stop being sad. It's so hard every single day. I can't eat...I barely sleep...I wake up crying and I cry throughout the day.

I'm crying now...and I will probly fall asleep crying.

Glad to be here. Truley.


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## Unconventional1 (Apr 3, 2006)

"it's going to be o.k. that the baby isn't comming, because he will have another chance to be in our family."

I felt this way when I had my MC before conceiving DS- I felt like he was making room for himself in our family- I was heartbroken at that loss- but felt like he was still coming into our lives, just that the body wasn't quite right- I could feel his presence all around me for months. I bet your 5 yo DS is right- he will find a way into your family- children are so perceptive this way.

So sorry for your loss- no one should be here....


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## fresh_veggie (Jan 27, 2009)




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## AlumofUF (Nov 12, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss, no one wants to be here but we are and we couldn't find a better group of moms to help us thru this. .....I say you don't need any room in your heart right now to deal with any unwelcomed or plain stupid commetns, just ignore them, people don't understand. I do understand your frustration, just today a well meaning co worker was surprised I was sad since I already have other children....as if my lost lil one didn't count







....I really took it like a grain of salt...is all we can do.....my prayers go out to you and your beautiful baby







s


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss...


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Oh mama. I am so very sorry that your little boy isn't still nestled within you. You write about him so beautifully and so movingly. What a lovely name.








Simon Alexander









I love this community. I am so very sad that I need to be a part of it but I know I couldn't walk this path alone. I hope you find a little bit of solace from being here.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I'm so sorry for your loss.

And boo to the people/relatives making ugly comments about it.







: Yes, you are blessed with all your boys, but that doesn't lessen the pain of your loss. What are those people thinking?


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Well dangit, now you made me cry, too...

_Note to self: ALWAYS bring Kleenex to babylostland..._









Quote:

held my little boy so tight...tight enough to hold him, and the little boy I lost...
This really moved me. Sometimes I feel this, too, when I hold my other children. We're all connected...

I planted a garden recently as well, for our William - black-eyed susans and daisies and yarrow and forget-me-nots and, of course, sweet william.

Your vision/dream was amazing. I wish someone would send me one of those. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for sharing your beautiful Simon Alexander with us.








:







Simon Alexander














:


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

I am so deeply sorry mama


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Oh, momma.







I'm so, so sorry. My mom lost a baby at a similar gestation when I was 8. His name was Simon, too. I have 5 younger siblings now, but we still miss Simon.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Weeded the jungle that was a raspberry patch last year. Put fresh straw around the roots of the baby plants that had been released from the strangle of the grass that was thriving in all the compost. Thought about how weeding and nurturing plants is a lot like caring for babies...felt the tears rolling down my cheeks again...and put myself even deeper into my task.

Loving being surrounded by the dandelions I always embrace in my lawn much to my neighborhoods dismay...the golden colors sing the joy of spring...and they comfort me right now. I'll make a salad of them later, enjoying their healing properties for my acheing body.

Heard a baby crying in a stroller while a mom talked on her cell phone. Thought about the well worn sling in my closet and the happy nurseing babies that once filled it...I've never been one to let a baby cry so I could talk on the phone. Felt guilty for being judgemental and jealous of another mama. Felt sad to know Simon Alexander isn't growing inside me anymore...I was so excited about him...wanted to feel that downy little head nestled under my neck and smell his sweet skin. Feel his tiny fingers wrap around mine...watch him run around with his brothers. Grow.

Wondering about a culture that keeps this kind of pain out of view. How would it feel to live in a culture where this kind of loss wasn't a huge secret kept only until you found yourself there too?

Going back outside...My thirteen year old is playing the banjo... I hear the other boys laughing outside. They must have finished their homeschool assignments... Time to live my life...and tend Simon Alexanders garden.

Thanks for being here...for listening.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

My heart just breaks for you. I'm so sorry for the loss of precious Simon.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I keep taking steps...each day.

His tiny footprints in a frame next to a picture of the rest of us smileing in the sunshine of last May. Somehow I pictured myself getting to swim with my baby in the warm waters of the Hawaiian sea. He always seemed like a water baby in my mind. That's why I wanted the water birth. . .It just seemed in sinc with who I started to feel he was. I remember telling my husband that part of me wished we lived in Hawaii...so he could be born in the ocean.

Born on Earth day...in the mountain state. Far away from the ocean. No water for a gentle birth...no life to fill your lungs.

Saw a psychologist today for my tears...my endless tears.
He asked me if at my age I would want another baby after this loss. I looked up at him and thought....

I thought about the face I saw in the mirror this morning. The face of a 34 year old woman...the light hitting gray hairs that appeared this spring...all 5 of them. The circles under eyes beginning to show lines where laughter once was. I thought about the degree I've been working on. I thought about my beautiful boys bouncing around the house. I thought about my husbands smile...about the book that he worked on for 7 years that is finally in book stores...he dedicated it to me, "his lovely wife". He named the book "Being Ourself". He had his first book signing on Tuesday. We waited so long for his book to be out...and now it is...and people seem to love it... I thought about holding my husbands hand in the woods filled with purple and yellow flowers. My love...my life partner...and I thought of Simon Alexander.

Tears flooded my eyes and I couldn't answer him.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)




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## oakparkveggie (May 7, 2004)




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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

very empathetic hugs to you.


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## AlumofUF (Nov 12, 2008)

You write beautifully.....that therapist or psychologist didn't help, did he?







I am so sorry you find yourself here.......







s


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss







I'm glad that you found your way here, you are in amazing company.








Simon Alexander


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
Loving being surrounded by the dandelions I always embrace in my lawn much to my neighborhoods dismay...the golden colors sing the joy of spring...and they comfort me right now. I'll make a salad of them later, enjoying their healing properties for my acheing body.
Wondering about a culture that keeps this kind of pain out of view. How would it feel to live in a culture where this kind of loss wasn't a huge secret kept only until you found yourself there too?


I hope you are finding some healing mama. I understand this seems like a private club. Noone seems to understand the feeling of loss until they have been there. I am amazed at your ability to write it out and begin the path to healing in spit of your pain.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
I keep taking steps...each day.

His tiny footprints in a frame next to a picture of the rest of us smileing in the sunshine of last May. Somehow I pictured myself getting to swim with my baby in the warm waters of the Hawaiian sea. He always seemed like a water baby in my mind. That's why I wanted the water birth. . .It just seemed in sinc with who I started to feel he was. I remember telling my husband that part of me wished we lived in Hawaii...so he could be born in the ocean.

Born on Earth day...in the mountain state. Far away from the ocean. No water for a gentle birth...no life to fill your lungs.

Saw a psychologist today for my tears...my endless tears.
He asked me if at my age I would want another baby after this loss. I looked up at him and thought....

Tears flooded my eyes and I couldn't answer him.









Simon
Again, a psychologist is a big step. I do believe thought that any baby lost is waiting for its time. May you have the opportunity to get your IUD removed and let your body heal. You are still so young. Please don't listen those who say "your having ANOTHER ONE????" Get your tubes tied! It is the last thing you need to hear while you mourn the loss of your beloved son. The women here are wonderful. May you find the love and support you need to get through this difficult time


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## mermaidmama (Sep 17, 2008)

thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I'm in total agreement about the women here being wonderful. You ladies are so amazing and warm... I am so grateful to have a place to put my thoughts...grateful to be understood.









It's easier for me to _write_ about this than it is for me to TALK about it. In other words,I've become a recluse...can't talk to anyone except my husband and children. I've turned off my phone ringer and don't check the answering machine. I find that if I see people I know I turn into a deer caught in head-lights...I freeze and panic, my throat closes up, my heart pounds so loudly I can hear it in my ears, and my eyes flood with tears. As such...I avoid going out where I might see anyone I know. Everyone else...I avoid making eye contact with.

My psychologist suggested I find ways to "go out" that would be low risk for seeing anyone I know...so, when I had to buy groceries yesterday, I went to the mainstream grocery store instead of the health food store I usually shop at to avoid familiar faces.... and I _have_ to say that I had a very hard time finding any REAL food there...(_what the heck do normal people EAT???? I saw tons of packaged food that was mostly additives, veggies and fruits with high gloss reflecting floresent lights...Huge packs of fatty beef-- "It's what's for dinner...







")_Stood in the isle looking at pictures of a wasting away Patrick Swayze.......managed half a fake smile for the check out girl who looked SO bored...and wondered if I would ever be able to visit with my friends and extended family again. Wondered if I would ever, ever, stop crying. Went out to the car feeling numb loading into the back seat...got back in the car and started shaking and sobbing. Drove home half blind with tears and ran into the house before my sweet neighbor, who was raking her lawn, could stop me....and held my Simon Alexanders little purple duck to my chest while I cried.

My husband said he was proud of me and gave me St. Johns wort, GABA, and a Bach remedy of sweet chestnut to sip while he rubbed my feet...I could hear the boys unloading the groceries from the car and squealing with delight over the "junk" I bought.

We took a walk after I calmed down in the woods near our home. More Balsam root and rocky mountain bluebells erupting everywhere...The Lupin will be here soon. So many deer hanging out in quiet groups, and magpies make their presence known. There is a fox family that we sometimes see....I saw the mother for the first time, right before I became pregnant with Simon Alexander.

The IUD is no longer in my body....it came out with the placenta and my tiny baby boy...I remember the doctor chuckled when he found it...he was amused that such a little thing could cause so much trouble,(99.9% effective MY ASS!) but all I could think was that it had possibly robbed my baby of life.(99.9% effective...) He assured me that it probly was *not* the cause...but as he couldn't come up with another reason for my loss...I will always wonder.....

Last night as my husband kissed my neck telling me how much he loved me, I started to cry and held him so tight...what will we do now?? I'm still bleeding 3 weeks later...but what will we do when _that_ is over??? How do we decide? We have always been so at one in our love making...and I know that my insides are screaming for him... How can I go on like this?? I want my baby so badly....I can't pretend that I give a DAMN about birth control any more. Being a mother is the BEST thing in the world...there isn't anything I like more than that. My interest in my degree, Natural medicine, Psychology, Human Biology...all of it seems trivial now. I have five wonderful sons....and I wanted my Simon too....I don't want to be told I am "too old" to have another baby...I don't want to be told that five is too many...I am a GREAT mom...it comes natural to me...I adore my babies and am SO angry that my baby was stolen from me! I feel sooooo robbed....so lonely for him....so terribly terribly lonley for him. I'm also acutely aware that THIS pregnancy is over...I can't go back and reverse what IS. This is real...so painfully real. My husband...he is open to "listening" out for Simon...for makeing space for him if he wants to come back. Making space....

I want to beleive that it would be "o.k." with everyone for us to try again....but I also think I may have learned that it doesn't matter AT ALL what other people think in their judgmental, narrow, little worlds.

Is this the anger stage of grief????? Cause I feel PISSED! Still sobbing.....but SOOOO angry!

Again....you mamas are so wonderful...thanks for listening to me...it's the only place I can scream...a place where screaming doesn't have a sound.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

s Mama - I'm glad you can write out your thoughts and feelings here.
It's a safe place . . . and we all understand.
I also found nature/the natural world to be helpful in my healing process.
You are so new to your grief journey . . . take all the time you need and
do it _your own_ way.
Try not to give a toss what anyone else thinks or says; I know
that's not always easy advice to take.
Also, FWIW, I was closing in on 39 when I had my Rainbow baby boy.
You are in my thoughts.

Em


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## mermaidmama (Sep 17, 2008)

mama - Cry as much as you need to. You are experiencing traumatic grieving and it will take time. From what I understand, you can go in and out of different stages of grief.

And,

I know it hurts when people say judgemental things. And I know it is hard not to question yourself and feel like you need to defend your choices. But, what these people say has nothing to do with you and everything to do with themselves. You are obviously a very loving and intelligent person who cares the world about her family.

Btw- IMO, 34 isnt too old.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

You write so beautifully and honestly. I can empathise completely with feeling like a recluse. I think I may have answered the phone half a dozen times since October 14th. I let the machine pick up because I have simply lost the ability to manage a coherent conversation.

I'm 34 too and have in NO way given up hope of nurturing new life again. I don't consider myself at all old ... aged, definitely, I have lived a hundred lifetimes these last 7 months ... but not old. I must confess, I'm pondering the idea that I will ever prevent again, the idea of opening myself to any life blessing who chooses me as their mother is a powerful one. We shall see in time.

And yes, it sounds like the angry phase. I've practically lived there for the last half a year - I think I'm frightened that if I'm not angry about this, I'll not feel at all.

((((HUGS)))


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## oakparkveggie (May 7, 2004)

Hugs mama :







No way are you "too old". I had my first at 34, and my second at 37.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

It's mothers day...

It's also my little boys 8th birthday..He is round faced, with big round blue eyes, freckles and honey colored hair. He does yoga...loves to dance...is a natural with all things sporty...gymnastics...art...His joy for life is apparent in his little red hen nature. He was so excited to have another little brother. He loves babies.

It is his birthday...and I want to make it a happy day for him. But I am here...crying in my bedroom instead. What kind of mother cries about her lost baby when she should be taking care of the babies she HAS. My 8 year old is alive...he was born in joy...I pushed him into the world laughing from the ecstasy of his birth and from the ridiculousness of nursing his older brother while I was doing it. It was a joyous day..and I want to celebrate HIS day. How can I find a way to STOP crying...if only for TODAY????? For my sweet son....I know Simon would have wanted me to be happy...would have wanted his brother to have all the joy he can have. He would not have wanted me to sit here and cry when his brother needed me to give him love. My baby would NOT have wanted that.

I don't want it either. I want to celebrate the love I feel for my sons...for ALL of them.

Maybe if I sob real hard for a while I can go up and be ME for a little while. For them.


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## iamama (Jul 14, 2003)

Hugs mama be gentle on yourself this is such a hard time.


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

Emerging Butterfly,

Hugs to you mama. I can remember the rollercoaster wave of emotions as if it were yesterday. Be gentle with yourself.

Peace,


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## GMum (Apr 25, 2008)

Oh mama, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your little boy Simon. My heart goes out to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
I'm in total agreement about the women here being wonderful. You ladies are so amazing and warm... I am so grateful to have a place to put my thoughts...grateful to be understood.









It's easier for me to _write_ about this than it is for me to TALK about it. In other words,I've become a recluse...can't talk to anyone except my husband and children. I've turned off my phone ringer and don't check the answering machine. I find that if I see people I know I turn into a deer caught in head-lights...I freeze and panic, my throat closes up, my heart pounds so loudly I can hear it in my ears, and my eyes flood with tears. As such...I avoid going out where I might see anyone I know. Everyone else...I avoid making eye contact with.

My psychologist suggested I find ways to "go out" that would be low risk for seeing anyone I know...so, when I had to buy groceries yesterday, I went to the mainstream grocery store instead of the health food store I usually shop at to avoid familiar faces.... and I _have_ to say that I had a very hard time finding any REAL food there...(_what the heck do normal people EAT???? I saw tons of packaged food that was mostly additives, veggies and fruits with high gloss reflecting floresent lights...Huge packs of fatty beef-- "It's what's for dinner...







")_Stood in the isle looking at pictures of a wasting away Patrick Swayze.......managed half a fake smile for the check out girl who looked SO bored...and wondered if I would ever be able to visit with my friends and extended family again. Wondered if I would ever, ever, stop crying. Went out to the car feeling numb loading into the back seat...got back in the car and started shaking and sobbing. Drove home half blind with tears and ran into the house before my sweet neighbor, who was raking her lawn, could stop me....and held my Simon Alexanders little purple duck to my chest while I cried.

My husband said he was proud of me and gave me St. Johns wort, GABA, and a Bach remedy of sweet chestnut to sip while he rubbed my feet...I could hear the boys unloading the groceries from the car and squealing with delight over the "junk" I bought.

We took a walk after I calmed down in the woods near our home. More Balsam root and rocky mountain bluebells erupting everywhere...The Lupin will be here soon. So many deer hanging out in quiet groups, and magpies make their presence known. There is a fox family that we sometimes see....I saw the mother for the first time, right before I became pregnant with Simon Alexander.

The IUD is no longer in my body....it came out with the placenta and my tiny baby boy...I remember the doctor chuckled when he found it...he was amused that such a little thing could cause so much trouble,(99.9% effective MY ASS!) but all I could think was that it had possibly robbed my baby of life.(99.9% effective...) He assured me that it probly was *not* the cause...but as he couldn't come up with another reason for my loss...I will always wonder.....

Last night as my husband kissed my neck telling me how much he loved me, I started to cry and held him so tight...what will we do now?? I'm still bleeding 3 weeks later...but what will we do when _that_ is over??? How do we decide? We have always been so at one in our love making...and I know that my insides are screaming for him... How can I go on like this?? I want my baby so badly....I can't pretend that I give a DAMN about birth control any more. Being a mother is the BEST thing in the world...there isn't anything I like more than that. My interest in my degree, Natural medicine, Psychology, Human Biology...all of it seems trivial now. I have five wonderful sons....and I wanted my Simon too....I don't want to be told I am "too old" to have another baby...I don't want to be told that five is too many...I am a GREAT mom...it comes natural to me...I adore my babies and am SO angry that my baby was stolen from me! I feel sooooo robbed....so lonely for him....so terribly terribly lonley for him. I'm also acutely aware that THIS pregnancy is over...I can't go back and reverse what IS. This is real...so painfully real. My husband...he is open to "listening" out for Simon...for makeing space for him if he wants to come back. Making space....

I want to beleive that it would be "o.k." with everyone for us to try again....but I also think I may have learned that it doesn't matter AT ALL what other people think in their judgmental, narrow, little worlds.

Is this the anger stage of grief????? Cause I feel PISSED! Still sobbing.....but SOOOO angry!

Again....you mamas are so wonderful...thanks for listening to me...it's the only place I can scream...a place where screaming doesn't have a sound.









Cry mama
Yes, anger is a stage of grief and scream as loudly as you want. I, to would wonder about the IUD but you cannot second guess everything. Acceptance will come in time. As for people in their narrow little world, you cannot please everyone and you won't. If your calling is to be a mom then don't deny your inner calling. Doing a job you love means you never truly work.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
It's mothers day...

It's also my little boys 8th birthday..He is round faced, with big round blue eyes, freckles and honey colored hair. He does yoga...loves to dance...is a natural with all things sporty...gymnastics...art...His joy for life is apparent in his little red hen nature. He was so excited to have another little brother. He loves babies.

It is his birthday...and I want to make it a happy day for him. But I am here...crying in my bedroom instead. What kind of mother cries about her lost baby when she should be taking care of the babies she HAS. My 8 year old is alive...he was born in joy...I pushed him into the world laughing from the ecstasy of his birth and from the ridiculousness of nursing his older brother while I was doing it. It was a joyous day..and I want to celebrate HIS day. How can I find a way to STOP crying...if only for TODAY????? For my sweet son....I know Simon would have wanted me to be happy...would have wanted his brother to have all the joy he can have. He would not have wanted me to sit here and cry when his brother needed me to give him love. My baby would NOT have wanted that.

I don't want it either. I want to celebrate the love I feel for my sons...for ALL of them.

Maybe if I sob real hard for a while I can go up and be ME for a little while. For them.


Stop being so hard on yourself! A mother who has lost a child cries in her bedroom while she should be taking care of the babies she has. I cried for weeks after my 14 weeks loss and didn't think I would survive. All I knew was that this could not be my last pregnancy experience. There was someone waiting and he or she would be joining the family. People be damned.

You still need time and for the record Mothers day began as a day of Women grieving for their sons lost in the Civil war.

http://www.goodworx.com/NEWSITE/port...ther/true.html
http://www.slate.com/id/2217890/

The women who originally celebrated Mother's Day conceived of it as an occasion to use their status as mothers to protest injustice and war. In 1858, Anna Reeves Jarvis organized Mother's Work Days in West Appalachian communities to protest the lack of sanitation that caused disease-bearing insects and polluted water to sicken or even kill poor workers. In 1870, after witnessing the bloody Civil War, Julia Ward Howe-a Boston pacifist, poet, and suffragist who wrote the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"-proclaimed a special day for mothers to oppose war. Committed to ending all armed conflict, Howe wrote, "Our husbands shall not come to us reeking with carnage. &#8230; Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience."

I will mourn with you for babies lost as well as those we have.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Again....(and I am sure I will be doing this a lot...) THANK you ALL for being so warm, understanding, and REAL. I can't even begin to express my gratitude for the strength and intelligent support I've been finding here..including the statements about me not being too old to have more children!!!...It's being surrounded by the love of Gaia (mother-earth) in the form of the deepest understandings of the earth-mothers who have been deepened by heart wrenching pain. The mama's of the mama's. Thank you...









My 8 year old blew out his candles...told me later that he wished for our baby to come back to us with his first wish...and for a ninja sword with his second wish. I didn't know you could laugh and cry at the same time until he said that.

I finished weeding the strawberries...I am soooo glad there is so much weeding to do! I mean it...it feels so good to be in the sunshine, doing something methodical, meaningful and stress-relieveing...something mindless, but mindfull. Nature doesn't mind my tears...the kids are playing outside so they don't notice how far away I am inside, because my presence is visable.

Our dogs, who are usually bouncy and constantly begging for attention, seem to understand and they sit calmly next to me with big somber eyes that seem so understanding. I'm convinced they sence that my heart is broken...why else would Winston, our pug, be so gentle and quiet when his USUAL mode is to be humping the Basset's back non-stop while the Bassett, Oliver, runs around drooling on everything everywhere and jumping on anything that moves...except Winston, who as I said...is usually humping on Oliver....there must be SOME reason for the sudden change... for the sudden docile canine companionship. My 12 year old noticed it this afternoon and said that he had never known that our dogs could look so noble and loyal.

I wonder if dogs can see into the spirit world...I wonder if they can see my sweet baby near me. I certainly wish I could...To be able to tell him how much I love him...how lonley I am for him..how deeply I want to hold him.

The tears keep falling....I'm starting to feel like Alice in Wonderland...when she cries so much that a river forms and washes her through a keyhole.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I keep coming here and reading and thinking of this space as "Butterfly's Impromptu Blog"... Maybe you should start one (not that I want you to stop posting here...







: )

Quote:

I don't want to be told I am "too old" to have another baby...I don't want to be told that five is too many...
No. I was thirty nine when William was born. And I had four already. He made five. You aren't too old. And as my mother used to say, "Every baby is born with a loaf of bread." Love finds a way.







:

Quote:

The tears keep falling....I'm starting to feel like Alice in Wonderland...when she cries so much that a river forms and washes her through a keyhole.
Let them fall, mama. I cried so much the first week or so I had to ice down my face every night. I'm sure I was quite a sight - unshowered, ice packs in my bra, on my face, blood on the sheets... We so need a "red tent" for baby-loss mamas, where we can wail and cry and care for and hold one another in our grief, because no one else can understand like a mother who has experienced this loss...


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
The tears keep falling....I'm starting to feel like Alice in Wonderland...when she cries so much that a river forms and washes her through a keyhole.









I *just* re-read it - it fitted my current mindset. A seemingly innocent children's tale which is by turns sinister and unsettling.

Remember Alice was trying to get through the tiny door to the beautiful garden when she cried those tears. She couldn't get there then but she does in the end. May all of us standing weeping on this side of the door find the garden in the fullness of time.

I agree with Inanna - this is like your own informal blog. I value your thoughts here. Much love & peace.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Writing....what a gift to be able to come here and express myself. A place where others have felt the same grief...and understand that there is no time limit to be placed on the tears that WILL fall. To be reminded that there was a garden that Alice wanted to get into, and that, ultimately, had she not cried soooo much, she would never have been able to get there is a wonderful reminder to me today...thank you...It helps me to feel better about how often I cry. My husband calls my tears "journey tears"...he read once that part of the work to be done after a death is the work of grieving, and it is the tears of the morners that carry the lost love to the heavens. He feels it is important work...and that the tears held back are the same as not doing work that must be done to ensure the wellbeing of the family as a whole.

He asks me throughout the day how I am doing....I know he misses my smile. I am glad he respects my tears, as they ARE how I am doing. I know he wishes in his heart that I could answer "Hey baby...I'm fine...lets go dancing!" But knowing that he understands why I do NOT respond in that carefree way helps me to feel free to FEEL how I actually feel. Goodness knows that I would like to not feel so heavy in my heart all the time, but I feel what I feel....and there is no dance that I know of that will carry me out of this reality I find myself in.

It has been three weeks. I was sitting on my bed this morning sewing a pair of ripped jeans with patches. I watched myself useing the blue thread to make the tiny stitches, covering up the rips that formed from the well worn material. Started crying again...wishing that I could sew my life back together...make it look new again...cover up the ripped pieces of my heart that ache for my baby. Put his life back inside of me where he should have been growing right now...sew everything back the way it was. When I finished sewing the patched pants, I noticed that even though they were wearable again, they were obviously patched. Put back together by able hands, but certainly not the way they had been before the rips had formed.
Maybe that is how life is...full of patches. Maybe as time goes on I will be able to live without showing all my tears and bruises...I will be a patchwork woman. A well worn woman. A damaged, but repaired, woman.

Will my tears fall less then? Just like the jeans...there will still be a rip...but, it is repaired...for now.

In the meantime...while I wait for life to sew a patch in my heart...I will have to keep feeling the draft on my raw and bleeding life. I have to keep on keeping on....my other children need me so much...and I need them too. I suspect that every day, as I take walks with my husband in the woods...or find myself smileing at the funny things the boys do each day...that those are the stitches life is sewing in my heart. It is only through living that healing takes place; Living.....and time without boundaries or expectation.

Maybe...one day I will notice that I got into Alice's garden too...and that my tears were the way I found the way in.


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## skolbut (Feb 18, 2008)

Oh, mama. Saying prayers for your journey through grief to be healing.

*My 8 year old blew out his candles...told me later that he wished for our baby to come back to us with his first wish...and for a ninja sword with his second wish. I didn't know you could laugh and cry at the same time until he said that.
*

Sometimes the frankness and innocence of children can be such a blessing! What a big heart your little ninja boy must have.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
I will be a patchwork woman.

Yes. Patchwork women. That is just what we are.








:


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 

When people tell me I am lucky to have the other five boys, I feel so sad because it is like they think I don't KNOW how lucky I am. But he was my baby too. He was my son. he is gone...and my heart cries as deeply as it would cry over the loss of ANY of my children. we held our tiny son for 12 hours....but he was dead...and part of me died with him.

But you want HIM too. You love HIM too.

Many, many many loving hugs Mama.







: I'm sorry for your loss.


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## zuzunel09 (Mar 19, 2009)

I just read your post and it made me cry! Don't pay attention to the people who can't understand your sadness...your baby was a person you love who died, of course you have to mourn.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Opening the mail....one of the envelopes carried a bill from the OBGYN who accompanied us through the birth and death of Simon Alexander. The reason for the charge carried one word. Abortion.

One word to declair all that his stillbirth was. Abortion. I understand that is the clinical word for inducing labor with a dead child...but it doesn't help it feel any better to read what has come to symbolize an unwanted child, an abortion...

My Simon was not unwanted...he was lost to us.

I cried for a long time...cried for all that was lost, wanted and loved.

Clinical terms do not carry the reality of our experience. They do not do justice to what happened to us. I cried to think that on paper his life was limited to an abortion that they could bill us for.

such a short life...such tiny feet....such a wonderous love...he brought so much to us...I know that he will continue to do so always--and I know his life was wanted, no matter what I was billed for.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
Opening the mail....one of the envelopes carried a bill from the OBGYN who accompanied us through the birth and death of Simon Alexander. The reason for the charge carried one word. Abortion.

ohhhhh no...









It's awful, the terminology they use in obstetric medicine. Awful. "Incompetent" cervix? Ugh.

When William was born - they had us fill out the forms for a death certificate. But he never had a birth certificate. He wasn't a baby, he was a fetus. According to the paperwork, at 39 weeks gestation, because he had died in utero, he never existed.

It's a maddening, impossible world we live in.

Crying with you for your sweet Simon, mama. Loved, wanted, HERE, yes, he was.








:


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 

One word to declair all that his stillbirth was. Abortion. I understand that is the clinical word for inducing labor with a dead child...but it doesn't help it feel any better to read what has come to symbolize an unwanted child, an abortion...

My Simon was not unwanted...he was lost to us.

Words have such potency. I wish some of those around us understood that. In our rawness we need soft words not cold medical terminology. You son was not aborted - he was carried under your heart and now he is carried in it.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

thinking of you


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

"because he had died in utero he never exsisted..."

WOW....that really hits on a lot of my grief! It's the concept that to the world at large, my baby never exsisted....almost like he was all in my mind, like a dream. You can tell someone that you had a dream last night, but it doesn't make what you experience in the dream real to THEM. I was the only one who felt his movements. My husband and children got to enjoy the dream too...the dream of Simon Alexander. We all KNEW him. He was the baby of the family; our "miracle". We LOVED knowing that he would be joining our family, the little brother.

Everyone else knows we are sad...that I am the saddest of all...but they didn't know our baby. He died before he was born. My husband says that he feels like our little one never left that "Angelic" state. He didn't get to be part of this world...he stayed in the Angel world. Never opened his eyes...never took a breath. Moved around in his perfect protected world of my uterus...feeling my love...hearing our voices. He is our angel baby. Still not of "this world". But he was REAL...he did exsist. He lived for five months...long enough to share his unique being with us.

Cruel, sterile medical terms. Terms I have studied. I know these terms. My baby was not a term!!!! He was a BABY. My baby. I knew how he would smell...how he would feel in my arms...I knew how his downy little head would feel nestled in my neck as he slept. I knew his being. I loved my baby boy. Just as all loving mothers feel for their babes....I feel for him. My heart is acheing for his presence. I don't feel satisfied with the time I got because I wanted MORE time. I wanted his whole life. I wanted to play with him, smile with him, cuddle him endlessly! I am one of those "greedy" moms....I don't share my babies. I keep them close. I don't need time to myself...my babies are one with me.

My husband feels as close to Simon Alexander as ever...he feels totally connected to him...feels that his life is forever changed by the wonder that his tiny son was. Feels that love all around him all the time. He says he can see Simon in me...and in our love. I am so envious that he can be happy with that....because though I feel all of the above...I feel LOST inside because my arms are empty. My belly feels flat and lonley without the baby that was supposed to be growing strong and beautiful in there.

Every single day takes me farther from the day of his birth, and closer to my expected due date. Each day is a constant reminder that he is gone. I feel like a time bomb...I wake up and know I am a day further away from his beating heart, and a day closer to the day that was supposed to be so happy. My water baby. The day that was supposed to add his smile to my family. I feel so F#@%&!ING ROBBED!!!!!!

I just want to throw things across the room and scream at life. I want to tell my father who always told me that I would never be given more in life than I could handle that he was WRONG! I can't handle this...it is TOO MUCH! I can't stand this...I just can't. I want to scream at the people who remind me that others have had it worse...like I am not aware of all the other horrible things that happen! I know the tears of all the other mommys who are screaming for their children...I know my husband could die and take my heart with him! I know my living children could be lost to me! I know that everything I love could be gone in an instant...and that thought...the thought that it COULD be worse...doesn't comfort me. No....in fact, if anything it scares the crap out of me.

I lost my baby.

and you all understand how much that simple sentance rips your guts apart. You all understand this hell I am in with you.

How can you stand it??

How does the weight not crush you beyond repair???
--- I am so sad.

so lost.

I just can't understand WHY.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

....I just realised that I can not understand "why"...because there IS no answer to a "why". It just IS what it IS...and what it IS---- STINKS!!!!
















I want to do an art piece...I would like to call it "A thousand babies..." or something like that. I am wondering if any of you mama's would like your sweet babies to be part of it. If so...what I need is a copy of footprints taken at the hospital. I would love to include babies who were not footprinted too..but am unsure how I would do that at the moment...let me think about it. Not the original, but a good black and white photo-copy. I would like to make a statement to the world about the babies...wanted, and lost...and soooo loved. The babies no one HEARS about until they join this club of loss. I want the world to know that we are crying and celebrating their LIVES. Is anybody interested?? I need a lot of tiny footprints to do the piece. So...if I don't get enough responce, I won't be able to really do this. Let me know.


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## pjabslenz (Mar 25, 2004)

Stopped by to let you know I was thinking of you today. HUGS


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I'm starting to feel like I am just whineing....like the world just wants me to move on. It's been four weeks since Simon was found without a heartbeat.

A month.

Last night as I was falling asleep I had a dream that I was holding Simon in my arms...and all of a sudden he fell out of my arms into this deep dark abyss, like a hole or something. I cried out, which made my husband jump, which scared me awake, and he grabbed me and i just sobbed in his arms until I fell asleep. When i woke up I had Simon's purple duck wrapped in the blue blanket held so tightly to my chest that it was flat....all the stuffing had been smooshed.

Cried again.

Ate breakfast outside near the yellow and purple flowers we planted for him.
Washed it down with water, St. johns Wort, Valarian and GABA.

Felt like this sadness will never end....but that everyone expects me to move on.

How?????








:







: Part of me wants to greet the day with a smile again...and the other part is too angry and sad to understand why i would ever want to...and even worse...how I would ever be able to again.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:

"You can tell someone that you had a dream last night, but it doesn't make what you experience in the dream real to THEM."
This is the best explanation of this I've heard... so very true.

**

Just want you to know I'm here, witnessing your pain, wailing at the wall with you, mama.

It's So. Not. Fair.

I'd be happy to send you William's footprint.

I'll put your request on my blog as well, if you like. Just let me know what email to post for people to send them to!


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

The sadness doesn't end, but it does change. The overwhelming drowning feeling does ebb and flow so you won't be sinking all the time.

People who expect you to move on just don't get it.


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

Maybe post your footprint idea in a new thread? It would probably get more response. None of my lost babies were ever with me long enough for anything like that, but there are sadly many mamas here who could participate.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

We finally have Simon Alexanders ashes...

strange to think that such a big love was embodied in such a tiny little person. Such a small amount of ash...

It's strange to me that love is so powerful, and life so fragile. It's strange that the wonderment we felt about Simon Alexander is now left to our memories---because he isn't going to spend his life with us. He isn't going to HAVE a life at all. There will be no little socks...family photos with big brothers looking so proud and happy...no dusting off the painted high chair that my husband made...no playing peek-a-boo with a laughing baby. None of the memories that I have with my other sons, and yet...he has made a HUGE impact on my life..and in my heart.

I remember the first ultrasound....the beating heart next to the IUD. unremovable without hurting that life.

the second ultrasound...where he waived at us so clearly.

The third ultrasound where his legs were crossed in a carefree way, and one little leg casually kicked up and down...as if he was sitting in a rocking chair just relaxing...and preventing us from seeing that he was a boy...

The fourth ultrasound....that showed him growing beautifully....with such a steady and strong heart beat. Where we saw that he was to be our sixth son-shine. A little boy!!! We celebrated with the big brothers waiting for him with banana splits. The ultrasound tech forgot that we wanted the recording of the ultrasound and gave us a photo instead...we shrugged it off and smiled that we would do it next time. The doctor claimed that our baby was going to make it...the IUD was in the placenta, and all danger was over. I could feel his sweet movements...the presence of his love washed over our family. We knew him.

But we didn't get a next time, because the next time we saw him in the ultrasound, he was dead.

I've never had so many oportunities to see my babies before they were born because I don't "do" ultrasounds usually. The IUD made things different.
I saw him grow...and he was perfect.

Now he is gone. I have different memories of smiles and joy and excitement.
Different kinds of peek-a-boo games.

I want my baby back. I want the life that was stolen from me back!!!
I want the life that was re-organsied to fit my baby to make sense again. I don't want this broken life...this life with the hole so big that I fall into it's darkness every day...I hate it. I hate this pile of crap that I have stepped in that won't come off my feet.

I hate that I keep crying....that I couldn't stop even if I HAD to.

I keep writing in this post because it connects me to the beginning....as if it is a life line that keeps me somehow connected to the baby I lost. It's like if I start a new thread I will loose his hand in the crowd. but there IS NO HAND TO HOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I am going crazy.

Everything I thought I knew is different than I thought it was...and I don't know where to go from here.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Here, listening. Witnessing. Holding. Wailing. I know.








:


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *expatmommy* 







The sadness doesn't end, but it does change. The overwhelming drowning feeling does ebb and flow so you won't be sinking all the time.

People who expect you to move on just don't get it.

I totally agree... very apt. Mama, I am sorry for your loss, and that you are continuing to hurt. Simon was obviously a welcome and loved addition to your family.

I am just so sorry.


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## hippy mum (Aug 12, 2006)

Oh man, the tug at the heart. I feel like I'm going crazy too sometimes. Do you think some times that you feel him move? I do, so you're not alone if you do.
Do you have a journal? My dh bought me one a week after and I write in it every night. Even if all it is, is a page full of questions on why. Or I'm sad and cried most of the day. Or I thought about you today. Or what will I do come Christmas, when you are supposed to be 2 months old. Or that I'm angry at the hospital. Or guilty, or empty.
I guess it helps, I don't know yet. It's always nice to come here though.
Have you checked out places that have rememberance stuff? I posted 2 links in my other thread. I didn't see your foot print idea, but you could place them in a shadow box, along with a u/s photo, his name and maybe a poem. Hang it up with some other fam photos? I plan to make a scrapbook page for our son, and eventually I'd like to make a small photo thing to hang up, I just don't know when I'll get to that point.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bbrandonsmom* 
Do you think some times that you feel him move?

Phantom kicks... yeah. I had that for a while. I had it with my other babies too sometimes, but with William it was particularly sad. And I think I hear a baby crying sometimes, too. I'll wake up at night sure I hear him. And I never heard him cry... strange.


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

hugs mama.... sorry for your loss


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

(((HUGS))) it doesn't matter how many kids you have, a loss still hurts. I'm so sorry.
D.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

Woke up this morning to the sound of birds singing and droplets of rain were all that was left of the storm that blew through in the night. Had a dream that I went to the Unitarian Universalist Church and lit a candle for Simon Alexander...for the beauty that his little life was, and for the love that always will be. Lay in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks in silence...not sure if I could stand to go out into the world to do even such a simple thing like light a candle for my baby on a Memorial day weekend...

Took a shower...till all the hot water was gone. Got dressed in a purple velour hoody and jeans...put the tiny picture of my lost babe's footprints in my pocket...and told my sweet husband that I wanted to go with him...and that I needed his permission to run out of the building if I started to break down again.

Walked in the building...heart pounding like it would expload out of me. I could hear it in my ears...THUMP...THUMP....Sat down, with eyes trying not to see the others looking at me. I could feel them looking...could feel that they were sad for me...didn't want to think about them. didn't want to think about why they were sad...why I am sad.

The weekly candle lighting for joys and concerns....got up...placed his tiny footprints on the mantle, and lit a glowing candle for my baby that didn't get to be. For Simon Alexander...my son. For all the love I will always hold for him. For all the tears that fall for him.

My husband said he was proud of me....even though I left before anyone could say anything to me. He was proud of me for being...and for living...and for loving as deeply as I do.

I am proud of me too. and I am proud of the lump that is still sitting in my throat holding back the tears for just a moment so that I can write here to tell my sisters in life of a tiny victory. I lit a candle for my baby. A celebration of his life.

I do still feel him kick....and I feel his love all around me today. This rainy day...when the sky has opened up the way my heart has been doing this past month. The flowers are grateful, and life does go on....


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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)

Thank you for sharing Simon's sad, but beautiful story. Peace and healing to you, mama.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Emerging butterfly* 
I lit a candle for my baby. A celebration of his life.









:

Simon Alexander


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

wow...I really thought that things would get better before they got worse. Yesterday, I woke up in such a terrible dark cloud of dispair. The mortgage company called and told us that because we were one day...ONE DAY late with our mortgage last month that our refinance for our house would not go through. We have been trying to get our payment reduced under Obamas plan. ONE DAY. I explained in tears that our baby died...that I payed it online on the day, but that it was after 5 pm and so was processed the next day. I explained that my BABY DIED.

I am sometimes not sure if I am talking to an automated voice or a human being. 1 day. My baby is dead.

My mortgage is crippling.

1 day.

I thought about killing myself yesterday. Thought about what a shitty job parenting I am doing right now. How I sometimes feel that I will never be myself again. How I was such an IDIOT to not pay the mortgage on time no matter WHAT was going on in my life.

I am not going to kill myself....so...don't worry about it...but I did wonder if I could yesterday. Obviously, I couldn't. No matter how weak I am...I am not strong enough to take my own life away from my husband and children. I'm too much of a wimp to kill myself. I am also not so selfish that I don't realize that to kill myself would be to cause my family as much pain as I am feeling right now. What kind of parent would I be to do that to my kids?but even worse are the thoughts that ask me what kind of parent am I to even wonder about killing myself in the first place.

Sorry...I'm just in a cloud. sometimes I feel like my head is being shoved in a toilet, and each time I start to catch my breath, it gets shoved back inside the toilet again.

SAD. I am SAD.


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