# Blaming a Friend



## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

I have a friend I'll call M, who is close to my heart even though she's many thousands of miles away on another continent. We have quite a lot in common and connected instantly when we first met many years ago. In a lot of ways we're almost the same person, though she's obviously her own unique individual as well. I'm married, she's engaged, and we're in similar fields. We each moved into our new houses around the same time this summer too. Neither of us has ever been pregnant before.

We both conceived the same week, discovered our pregnancies the same week, and had exactly the same due date (June 26). I was thrilled with my baby, but she had a lot to process with hers; she wasn't supposed to be able to conceive at all due to her treatment for cervical cancer many years ago, so she was shocked to be pregnant in the first place, and she and her partner didn't want children. So last week she had an abortion. Around the same time she had her surgery, my symptoms started waning, and now I'm miscarrying.

As much as I love her and as much as I'm trying to be rational about this (I know miscarriages just happen sometimes), I can't shake this feeling that she killed my baby. All night last night since my midwife confirmed the news, and all day today, I've had this neverending mantra in my head: _M killed my baby, M killed my baby, M killed my baby._ I want to shut this off because blaming her is NOT helping me. It's a poisonous, destructive thought.

Does anyone have tips or advice? Or has anyone else suffered similar irrational reactions?


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## Jenifer76 (Apr 20, 2005)

((hugs))

I don't have advice but I couldn't not post.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

I had a friend who had a somewhat similar reaction. I had confided in her after my miscarriage because I knew she had had one as well. She had a friend that announced a pregnancy shortly after her miscarriage and their due dates were very close. She felt like that friend had stolen her baby and was unable to talk to her for a year.

I have found some help in a local early loss support group after my miscarriage (Aug 2008) and my ectopic loss (Nov 2008). It helps to tell others all your irrational thoughts and get them out there so you can let them go. Your loss is still so very very recent, it is going to take a long time to heal. I am just approaching the one year anniversary of my ectopic surgery and it still stings, it gets better, but it takes time.

Also, if you are unable to shake these thoughts, don't be afraid to seek help in the form of a counselor.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss. You should tell your MW how you are feeling because maybe she can help you in some way.

Dates can have powerful meaning to a person, especially when it comes to pregnancy and the fact that you shared so many dates can intertwine her pregnancy with yours. Grief isn't rational.

I lost a pregnancy a *long* time ago and a good friend of mine gave birth a day after my due date. It had been a long time since my loss but I was incredibly sad for months. The thing is, my friend's pregnancy had nothing to do with me and your friend's pregnancy had nothing to do with you. She and her partner had to make the right choice for them.

Be gentle with yourself.


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## *04Mom07* (May 21, 2006)

I think it's a normal part of the grieving process to try to find someone to blame. Having a miscarriage is such a difficult thing to go through and I think it's normal to have irrational reactions to it. After I had my miscarriage I was actually _angry_ at anyone who announced they were pregnant. Was it their fault that I had a miscarriage? Of course not, but it felt better to direct my feelings at someone or something rather than just being upset. I felt like I had no control and by blaming something I felt like I could handle it better - it wasn't rational - but that's how I felt at the time.

I spent a lot of time in the "anger" stage of grief. Thankfully I am doing much better now but I completely understand your feelings. You will start to feel better as the time goes on - but don't be afraid to seek counseling or anything else you need to work through this.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

"irrational" reactions are normal with loss. i went through stages of blaming all sorts of people for Matthew's death. your situation is obviously complicated by the fact that your friend chose to end her pregnancy and yours was so wanted. i don't know what advice i can offer you but i think it will pass in time. (((hugs)))


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I can't stand the idea of being in the same room with a friend who delivered her baby the day I lost Amelia. I am pissed that she got her daughter and I didn't get mine. I've avoided dinners, outings, anything where she might be there. Our husbands went to school together and until recently worked together. When dh got a new job I secretly was thrilled that the chance of she and I being in the same place was greatly reduced.

It's totally not rational but I completly feel like I'll never be ready to see her. Never ever. I feel very bad about it.


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## colorclash (Jul 14, 2009)

wow. that's a tough situation. Instead of blaming others, I blamed myself. I think I still do a little bit in the back of my head. This type of loss is so devastating, and it can be hard to just accept it as something that just happens, its easier to blame. I was FURIOUS at DH when I remembered that he and his ex had an abortion early in their relationship. I didn't even know him at the time, but going through my grief, and then remembering that they CHOOSE to end a pregnancy was beyond my comprehension at that low point in my life.

(I know dogs and babies are not the same, but please bear with what I say next)
I remember when I lost my childhood dog about two weeks after a good friend of mine lost her dog. We cried together about it, but then we felt solace in the fact that they were both having a good ol' time together in doggie heaven. Maybe your little one went to be with M's little one, and now they are together. Perhaps thinking about it like that (or from another less kooky perspective) may help you feel less anger towards your friend.

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

Thank you all so much. It helps so much to know I'm not crazy or evil. I know I'm a stranger here but these kind, understanding words help immeasurably. I really appreciate it.


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

Spoke to the midwife today and she confirmed that my baby did in fact die last week, right as M got her abortion (within a day or two of it). Gargh. Not helping. I love M so much but I don't know that I can ever forgive her. And she would be devastated if she knew I felt this way.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kelilah* 
Spoke to the midwife today and she confirmed that my baby did in fact die last week, right as M got her abortion (within a day or two of it). Gargh. Not helping. I love M so much but I don't know that I can ever forgive her. And she would be devastated if she knew I felt this way.











First of all, welcome to MDC. I'm glad you're here, although I'm sorry you found us because of this sadness.

I think to some extent, blaming others is a natural part of the grief process. I lost a baby at the end of July, got pregnant right away, and then lost that baby. In the beginning, I blamed my husband for getting me pregnant again, myself for not holding on to the babies, pretty much anyone I could think of.

We put so many of our hopes and dreams in these little unborn babies, and it can be absolutely devastating when it doesn't work out. Blaming others is something of a protective measure, I think, but there comes a time when it doesn't help anymore. It certainly doesn't make you crazy or evil, but I think your instinct to seek out help and opinions are good ones.

I think recognizing that it's neither logical nor healthy is a good first step. Talking to us is good as well- we've gone through it and can sympathize. And if those feeling persist, there is absolutely no shame in talking with a professional- a grief counselor, a spiritual adviser, a therapist.

I found this link that has many support groups and other resources for mamas who have lost babies. When I lost my first baby, eleven years ago, SHARE was really a helpful resource for me. It really does sound like it might do you some good to speak with someone trained in helping women who have lost babies.

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now.


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

Thank you very much. I'll check out those links. And I appreciate the welcome.


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## Lucy'sMommy (Aug 26, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss.
I think it's a normal part of grieving. Like the other poster, my coworker announced her pregnancy about 2 weeks after I lost my baby. I immediately had the irrational feeling that she stole my baby. I still have a hard time with that, even though I know it's crazy. She and I are friends, and we work in a very, very small workplace. It's so hard! Every time she talks about her baby I feel a stab. Sometimes I feel like maybe she's a better person, more deserving than I am. I know deep down that's not true either.
Losing a baby is so incredibly hard. I think we all have a good reason to feel what we feel, whatever it is. Don't beat yourself up for it.


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## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

I'm so sorry


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

Thank you all so much.

This morning I'm blaming her less and myself more; my baby's death also coincides right around the day I told everyone. I feel like I jinxed it. I guess I'll just have to keep working through it until I let it go... fortunately my husband's been awesome in all this. I would've fallen apart completely by now if it weren't for him. He doesn't seem to be blaming anyone and I think he got over the anger more quickly than I did.

I still can't bring myself to talk to my friend right now though. Hopefully soon.

(Off-topic: I have chickens too, Lucy'sMommy! Aren't they great?)


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

That must be so hard.









I would see someone if you continue having thoughts that she killed your baby. That's a little over the line. But IMO, being upset about the abortion isn't unreasonable, even though it was morally and legally her choice. It's upsetting to me to think of someone "getting rid of" a baby they don't want while my much wanted ones died and there was nothing I could do to save them.







(And this is not a commentary on the rightness or wrongness of abortion, just my feelings post-miscarriage when I think about it.)


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

I know exactly what you mean. I'm as pro-choice as they come but I still think of abortion as a tragedy, and the timing on this one just kicked me in the gut (so to speak).


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kelilah* 
I know exactly what you mean. I'm as pro-choice as they come but I still think of abortion as a tragedy, and the timing on this one just kicked me in the gut (so to speak).

It's so hard to look at things "rationally" when we've got crazy-hormones running through us and so much pain to deal with...

I was supporting a friend who got an abortion when I was about 5 months pg with my third child... she said, "I don't feel bad because my therapist (a very woo-woo one) said babies aren't ensouled until just before they're born."

I couldn't help it - I said, "Do you mean to tell me you think the baby I'm carrying doesn't have a soul?"

It created quite a rift between us for a while...


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

I don't even think you can be called 'irrational' per se. Did she literally kill your baby? No, of course not. But our brains work by creating and seeing patterns and putting things together. That you two had so many dates intertwined makes it hard for your brain not to make such a conclusion (even though we might know it's wrong). It makes it worse because you fall into a role of passivity, of 'receiving' while she took the active role of choosing an abortion.

And even if you didn't have all this similarity stuff going on, it would still be a tough situation simply because you wanted your baby so badly and experienced a loss when she deliberately rejected hers. So the contrast is highlighted.


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

I don't want to hijack your thread with my own story, so I've been debating back and forth about whether to chime in or not. I decided to do so, because of the similar feeling of irrational blame. Last Wednesday when I was 14 weeks pregnant I had an appt. with a brand new midwife--it wasn't a "real" appt., more like just a general chat to see when she was going to be available, to talk about referrals, etc. (I'm a CBE and get lots of midwifery inquiries). So it was a strangely blurred client-colleague visit. However, the whole meeting was like a "fear bath" and during it, she used the phrase "you're going to have a dead baby" at least 6 times (plus, told a specific "dead baby" story). She was using the phrase with regard to what other people say to her about attending homebirths, but it felt directed at me. The next morning, I woke up feeling like my "uterus hurt" and like I was having contractions. I joked that if something bad happened to my baby, I'd know who caused it! I had a distinct sensation when I was hearing the "fear bath" that I wanted to curl around my belly and protect my baby from her. Well, after the continued uterus hurting sensation, I went to the doctor where we found out our baby had indeed died. He was then born at home very early on Sat. morning (I recently post about this in this forum), looking very much like a 14 week fetus, so I think he only died perhaps two days before my miscarriage...

The experience with the midwife is very far away to me now because so many other things have happened since then and I don't feel like I have any energy to expend on anger toward her really anymore (I was angry the next day when my uterus started hurting). In a way it is almost amusing, because how WEIRD to talk like that to a pregnant woman?

Anyway, I decided to share so you would know you are not alone in "she killed my baby!" thoughts. I've had them too.

I'm so sorry about your baby. This is the saddest and most difficult experience of my life (((hugs)))


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## sept04mama (Mar 3, 2004)

I don't have a ton of advise but want to say that I have had a lot of weird things like that lately. (my baby died 5 weeks ago) I have blamed the ultrasound tech, friends, family, myself, my midwife, and all sorts of things I did when I was pregnant. I hope you find peace and don't lose what sounds like an important friendship.


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## Jenne (May 21, 2004)

I think it is perfectly normal to have irrational thoughts post-miscarriage. I mean we *are* postpartum for goodness sake! Things I said to my DH:

-if I hadn't gone into the Target to pee I wouldn't have miscarried
-if I had gone home to take a nap instead of driving my parents to see potential new house I wouldn't have miscarried
-if the carpenter hadn't gotten MDF dust everywhere and used chemicals I wouldn't have miscarried
-if my brother hadn't come to visit, my parents wouldn't have come to visit, and then I wouldn't have miscarried (it is the opposite of thank God my brother came to visit so my parents came that same weekend so I wasn't alone when it happened)

I will never go into that Target again. I will probably never see Where the Wild Things Are (we were going to see it on IMAX but instead we went to the ER).

Grief makes strange company. But we work through it. We don't let it own us. Talking about it helps. Say it out loud so you can acknowledge it, cry about it, grieve it, and then acknowledge that it is absurd, then let it go. Repeat as often as necessary.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope that you are able to make peace with your head so that your friendship can continue.

Jenne


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

Thank you all so much. I'm so sorry for the pain you've experienced, but it helps to know I'm not alone; I'm healing so much more quickly than I thought I would. I thought I'd heal physically in a couple of days but be screwed-up emotionally for ages, but right now I feel better in my head than my body.


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## Evenstar1025 (Oct 15, 2009)

I've been praying about what to say. I'm pro-life because I do believe that the child is EXISTING since implantation basically. I remember what joy I went through in the week when they say the heart starts to beat! I also believe that these babies are taken up into the loving arms of Christ because they never had the chance to enter this sinful world.

That being said, I had to bite my tongue from my reaction so that I could say something encouraging.







I can only imagine how hard this is for you.









Yes, this woman did NOT kill your child but I see how you could definitely see that. It hurts to see someone throw away a life so easily when we suffer so much as the life inside us is torn away. My advice (and this is just what I would do after I had taken a while to calm down... maybe bordering on a year!) is that I would tell her how it made you feel. Communication always helps.

I'm so sorry for your loss







and I really hope that something can be all worked out eventually even though I know that's probably the last thing on your mind right now!


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## Kelilah (Nov 13, 2009)

Thank you so much. I really can't tell you how much all this support helps. I'm feeling a lot better already.


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