# Tricks for controlling temper in the moment



## ginadc (Jun 13, 2006)

I have a bad temper. I know it. I inherited it from my father, with whom I had a crappy relationship largely *because* of his bad temper, spanking, yelling, and ridiculously high expectations.

It is something that I struggle to control, and these days, not always with success. My kids are 3 and 15 months--DS isn't quite at the temper-provoking stage yet, but he's close, and DD at 3 is a master of it. She knows how to push my every button. I am a Larry Cohen disciple and try my best to live by Playful Parenting, but sometimes my temper explodes and I think, "Screw this playful parenting crap, she's driving me CRAZY!"

In those circumstances, I yell. And I can be rough. Like when DD is fighting bedtime for the millionth night in a row, I plunk her back down on her bed hard as I'm getting pajamas on. I hate myself for this.

What I'm looking for is tricks from other parents with true bad tempers--not just people who can lose it once in awhile, since we all can do that, but those of us who really have that killer temper that can take over and leave you acting like a lunatic.

What tricks have you used to control it "in the moment" with your kids? I can make all the holy vows I want during calm times, but when DD is pushing my buttons and I'm seeing red, sometimes it's hard to remember them--or as I've said, I get so angry that I just say the hell with them. I have to come up with real, effective strategies for beating back those impulses. HELP!


----------



## mom2grrls (Jul 24, 2008)

First I would make sure you're taking care of yourself-as in eating right, getting as much sleep as you can and getting a break here and there. What about leaving the room and coming back after you've counted to 10 in another room?


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

I too can lose my temper easily, and have a legacy of short-temperedness as well.

Some of the things I've done are journaled about what it was like growing up with a hothead, and really gone back, back to that place of being a fearful child, and it's really affirmed my desire to NOT let that legacy taint my relationship with my children.

Other things--really explore that remorse after the fact. Hang onto it. FEEL it, fully feel it. Tell yourself "this is how bad I feel afterwards. I don't want to feel this way again."

Also, recognize when you're about to hit that point of no return and remove yourself, or do something to diffuse the situation. Don't let yourself get pulled into a power struggle with your daughter. My sons are the same age, and one thing that I found works REALLY well is just coming out of left field with something. Like "I feel like having a banana. Would you like a banana?" or "I have to pee; wanna come with me?" It shifts the dynamic and gets the focus OFF of the tense situation, plus it's totally disarming and catches the LOs totally off guard.


----------



## ginadc (Jun 13, 2006)

The problem with leaving the room and counting to 10 is that often my DD and/or DS won't let me. A couple of times, DD has been really provoking me (pushing/pinching/poking) and I've asked her to stop, saying "We talk about how your body belongs to you, well, my body belongs to me and I don't like to be poked." She keeps doing it. I try to step away, she follows. I literally had to go to the playroom and shut myself in there behind the gate so she couldn't get to me, and she of course threw a fit (as did DS because he couldn't get to me).

I like the disarming thing, Betsy. Hopefully I can remember that one! Maybe I can also suggest to DH that he try that one with ME.


----------



## Hokulele (Mar 2, 2005)

Another one here who has an inherited short fuse. I'll be watching this post for answers - I already like what people have said here.

Counting to 10 never works for me. I spend the whole time thinking about how MAD I am and if anything it annoys me even more that I don't get to 10 and feel all chipper and ready to tackle things cheerfully.

I read somewhere about it being ok to express anger, just not towards the child. And for me that's a good starting point. Wherever I read this said if you feel angry, go into another room and stomp your foot. OK for the kid to see you being angry because you are working it out and not taking it out on someone.

I've been trying to do that. The other day I went into the hall and slammed the closet door about five times in a row. It helped get some aggression out... but I'm not sure what message I was sending to DD in terms of it being ok to slam doors when you're raving mad!







:

I'm a work in progress.


----------



## pastrygirl (Jul 21, 2006)

I'm another one with a nasty temper and an instinct to do things I would regret. I don't know anyone IRL who is like this, so it's hard to figure out what to do. My husband has absolutely NO idea what it feels like. NONE. It must be nice!

After my son was born, I saw a counselor for a while (not for anger, but for depression and frustration). She said that sometimes, taking out your aggression on something else (pillow, door) makes you feel even MORE aggressive. That's definitely the case with me. Plus, whenever I slam a door or scream in an empty room or something, Toby imitates me at some point. He's been doing it for a long time now, well over a year. I don't _want_ to teach him that that's a proper way to deal with anger, but I'm inadvertently teaching it anyway.

Anyway, I haven't found anything that really works yet. I try a few little things here and there. Right now, I'm listening to the Hypnobabies home study course, so I try to imagine my "bubble of peace" when I'm about to lose it with Toby. I also tell him that if I threaten to spank his hand, he needs to tell me that he needs kisses and hugs, not spanks. The other day when I threatened that, he walked right over to me with his head down, hand out. I snapped out of the fury right then and there. It broke my heart to see him like that, so willing to accept physical punishment. Ugh. But now I have that image in my memory and will try to recover it the next time I lose my temper.


----------



## YasaiMuraLife (Jun 19, 2009)

Sadly, I do know what you are facing and you have my sympathy. Here is what I have been doing with some actual success&#8230;

Once I "see red," it is too late; even if my mind says to stop, my mouth keeps going. So I try really hard to catch myself before I hit that point. Changing the dynamic by pulling either myself or DS the moment is what works. Different things work at different times, so I need a grab bag of ideas - 1) singing to engage DS, 2) singing to block out DS, 3) getting down on DS's level and telling him in a very serious but calm voice whatever it is that I'm trying to communicate, 4) becoming very quiet and ignoring DS after telling him that Mama is getting upset and needs quiet time in her head, 5) going into a different room (we have a few that the kids are never allowed in) and breathing or sometimes reading even if DS is having a fit about my disappearance, 6) suddenly whispering - this has never worked to change DS's mind, but he will eagerly whisper back "no I don't want to" and the dynamic changes, 7) doing something different - like hopping around the house - it distracts long enough for me to pull myself together, 8) not saying anything but rapidly setting out some food and drink for DS.

At first there was no way to keep all of this in my head. We butted heads and my default took over. So I posted little notes around the house, so that I would see them as the red haze was descending. Then I could think "oh yeah - there is another way. I should &#8230;." After a while I internalized this and don't need the notes anymore. And as I react less, DS also lessens the things that drive me nuts.

For me, the key is to do whatever I need to calm down, since it takes two to tango and if I am not engaging, then it's a lonely dance for DS.

Also on bad days I give myself a "talking to," reminding myself why I don't want to be that kind of parent, what want wrong, what I should do next time, and then forgive myself. I find that wallowing in the sadness of being a "bad mom" doesn't help. I screwed up today, but tomorrow I have another chance to do it right. (This isn't meant as a license to be mean to DS, but is a part of moving past that behavior.)


----------



## Sasharna (Nov 19, 2008)

Naomi Aldort recommends visualizing yourself saying and doing all the awful things you're about to say and do. I find this plunks me straight into the remorseful stage, without actually yelling, snapping, or being rough. It's like getting a second chance without screwing up.


----------



## mormontreehugger (Feb 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sasharna* 
Naomi Aldort recommends visualizing yourself saying and doing all the awful things you're about to say and do. I find this plunks me straight into the remorseful stage, without actually yelling, snapping, or being rough. It's like getting a second chance without screwing up.

lurking.

I've done this SO many times! It's so great. I have so many temper stories where I wish there was some kind of "undo" button at the top of the room like on a computer screen. Or the backspace key after I've said something mean. (Can you tell I spend too much time on the computer??) So I've tried completely flying off the handle inside my head and then watching it like a movie and realizing how it looks and how out of control I really am. And then yeah, I get a second chance! No harm done.
I've also done pushups to get rid of that extra adrenaline coursing through my body that tempts me to be physically violent (usually with objects, but definitely happened with siblings growing up). I need the release, and my body could always use the extra workout. It's more constructive for me than slamming stuff or screaming into a pillow.


----------



## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

: this is a timely thread for me... I had a blow up just a few minutes ago...


----------



## Dolphin (Apr 22, 2004)

I am so here right now too... will be watching this thread for ideas


----------



## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Thanks for starting this thread. I could have written the OP - it is so true for me too, verbatim (except I have sons).

I had a bad flip out two days ago





































BUT, on other days when I easily could have lost my temper, I have had some success (and need to remind myself - I like the PP's idea of post-its around the house) with visualizing myself as a ball of love - that will dampen, rather than amplify, my kids' negative emotions (this is the #1 best state of mind for me to solve the problem. I just need reminders!!!!!). Silliness doesn't always work for us, because the edge and tension of agitation is still there, under the surface, and just rears its head soon after. Sometimes, I can soften my building anger by thinking about the big picture, as in "can I let this go? will I think it's funny someday in the future?" or I think about the consequences, as in "is getting angry going to help? will it cause my kids to do what I am asking them to do?" The answer to that is NO every single time. They do not respond to anger *at all.*

So if I were going to write post-its, like YasaiMuraLife suggested (loved her post!), they would say:

"Be a ball of love. Absorb the anger and reflect back love."
"Getting mad just doesn't work. It's a bad strategy."
"Does it really matter that much? Can you loosen up for five minutes and see what happens?"

I also can't walk away, or seek a moment of solitude to pull it together, though for me I know that would be ideal. DS1 will follow me, poking, yelling, pushing. If I close myself in a room, he pounds the door so hard it nearly breaks. He gets really anxious about being left alone - even in the house - even for a minute. So I need to have tools to diffuse the anger in the moment, just like the OP.

I really think a support group where I could talk about this issue from time to time with others would help keep these strategies uppermost in my mind and reveal new ones to use as well...


----------



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I have a terrible temper, and I was abused as a child so my instinct is to hit and hit hard. I sometimes have to go to my room to calm down or I would definitely spank or something even worse. Which thankfully I haven't ever done, but that's largely because I remove myself from the situation when it gets to that. I have always just told dd, "I have to go to my room and calm down" when I'm about to flip out, and I sit in there and try to calm down, or cry, or whatever. And no, when I first started doing it she didn't like me going to my room, and I felt bad about that but it was definitely preferable to me hitting her or screaming at her.

My dd now does the same thing - when she's really angry, she'll say, "I need to go to my room!" and go and calm down for a bit. She has a terrible temper too. And I think that's something to think about - you are modeling how to behave when angry. Anger is not a bad emotion. It's part of life and your kids will have it too. And if you have a temper like that, it's possible they'll inherit it. IMO we do our kids a disservice when we hide our emotions. I think it's good for them to see us handle them in a constructive rather than a destructive way.


----------



## KittyDanger (Jan 27, 2009)

Another short fuse here..although I find it easier to be patient with children.

I haven't read all of the replies so sorry if I repeat something that has already been said.

I usually have to do some deep breathing in order to calm down in the moment. It was a really good skill for me to acquire bc I also used to suffer from anxiety attacks and I can almost always talk myself down from them now.

Just expanding your rib cage can make you so much calmer because when you are upset you tend to breathe really shallowly which makes you tense up even more.

Also, I find that in the moment when I am upset/angry I feel that if I act out it will make me feel better somehow, but it never does. I just end up feeling guilty for the mean/agressive thing I said or did so I focus on one or a couple of those times and how bad I felt afterward to remind myself not to give into the temptation to loose my temper.


----------



## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

My kids follow me when I try to walk away and it escalates things


----------



## SunflowerMama (Nov 20, 2001)

I have my moments as well...and I think that we all will experience it at least once. I mean we are only human.

For me if I don't let myself get caught up in the moment praying works. I will say a Hail Mary, or the St. Michael the Archangel prayer. Oh, sometimes I even say,"Precious Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ wash over me." That really seems to help.


----------



## La Rune (Sep 19, 2008)

I'm struggling with this and my poor DD is only 13 months old.

She has always been a high-needs baby, and I have to admit, that made me angry. I have no tolerance for screaming. Crying I can take, it makes me feel like helping a child ... screaming is a different story. It makes me want to just shut. them. UP. And she has been a screamer from Day 1. Even when I was wearing her, nursing her, bouncing her, and getting nothing for myself, she screamed constantly.

As long as I can hear her screaming, I can't calm down. I've locked myself in the bathroom before, but she bangs on the door and screams the whole time. CIO would be a joke if I wanted to do it! She doesn't EVER get it out and use it up and calm down. She works herself up even more. And I just can't calm down as long as I hear her screaming at me.

I remember my parents fighting and screaming at each other. One would scream, and the other would scream louder. I would lie in bed trying to block it out, thinking "JUST SHUT UP!" because I wasn't allowed to express negative emotions ... how unfair is that?

I have told her to "just shut up" before.







And once when she bit me hard while I was asleep, I smacked her. I felt so horrible when I had woken up completely and realized what I had done.

I don't have any answers for anyone else ... but I totally identify with this! I just wish it was easier.


----------



## ainh (Jul 27, 2006)

Ugh. Just tonight I allowed myself to acknowledge the deepness of my anger. I really have a temper. And I never really knew it before.

Counting to 10 and leaving the room are bad choices for me. I just get more riled up thinking about it all. I come back 10 times more mad.

This is a lame thing, but it sometimes works for me. I pretend that someone is watching me or I'm on a camera or something. This week we've been in a hotel and I know that I can't yell because the adjoining rooms (which house colleagues of my husband) will hear us. It's been good. When DS or I is getting into it I just say "you need to run up and down the hallway twice", or "we need to go take a walk around the hotel together". That said, one of my worst parenting moments was in front of a whole playgroup of moms/kids and it's the only time I've popped my guy on the bottom ever --
















I've used this "being observed" trick in other areas too. Like if I need to concentrate on driving I pretend that I am in drivers ed with an instructor there. Or if I'm cooking I make it more fun by pretending that I'm on a cooking show







.

I think I need the list of reminders around too. My son will almost always do something if I pretend he's someone else -- i.e. I will say "Hey baby squirrel, can you put on your shoes?" then he will do it, but he won't if I say "Hey DS, can you put on your shoes?". Weird, eh? But sometimes I forget that baby squirrel is a good listener even when my son can't be


----------



## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Oh yeah count me in here.

Right now I'm reading the book called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It by Bonnie Harris. It has these exercises in there and it really, truly helps to do them. It helps to write out what my triggers are. Then I can see if I need to learn a new parenting technique for a specific problem (not just telling myself OH NO! I'LL NEVER BE GOOD AT THIS PARENTING THING!). Also it's a chance to reexamine some of my beliefs and expectations, and adjust them. Very healing. She also focuses on empathy being the bridge between you and your child, and then communication skills. I have found improvements in ways we deal with conflict in our home when I apply these techniques.

A huge one that works for us right now with dd1 (age 4) is when I start off yelling, triggered, losing it, etc... once I realize what I'm doing I'll stop and say, "I don't like how this is going. Let's try this again..." and I'll say what I wanted to say in a better way. Or if dd1 is really rude to me and it triggers me, instead of freaking out at her, I say, "Hmmm, let's try that again." Then I model *how* I would like her to speak to me. It works for us!









It's a journey.... sometimes small steps make a big difference.


----------



## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Oh yeah, another one is realizing what the emotion is that you feel BEFORE the anger.

for example, dd1 pushed 18 m.o. dd2 off the livingroom chair and she fell to the floor. Grrr! I Mama Bear-ed over there and roared: "Go up to your room!" But dd1 was just starting to get down off the chair and said, "I was just going to pick her up and see if she was okay and say I'm sorry!" Dd1 started to cry and I picked up both crying girls, sat them on my lap and hugged them. I apologized and said, "I'm sorry, I was scared when I saw dd2 fall down because I was worried that she was really hurt. I asked you to go to your room so I could see if dd2 was okay and to calm down before I spoke with you again. I'm glad you were going to see if she was okay and to apologize." Repair.

Just some thoughts! Good luck to us all on our journey!


----------



## aran (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ainh* 
This is a lame thing, but it sometimes works for me. I pretend that someone is watching me or I'm on a camera or something.

YES! I totally forgot about this! Thanks for the reminder!

And I am adding When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It by Bonnie Harris to my wish list on amazon now...


----------



## Sasharna (Nov 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ainh* 
This is a lame thing, but it sometimes works for me. I pretend that someone is watching me or I'm on a camera or something.

Not lame! Wonderful!

Sometimes I sort of pretend I'm taking care of someone else's child, and they'd be upset if I yelled.


----------



## pastrygirl (Jul 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ainh* 
I pretend that someone is watching me or I'm on a camera or something.

I had this same thought today! We had a couple of guys working on the house, but my son was driving me INSANE. I managed to stay calm and quiet most of the day, thinking that I didn't want them to hear me being mean or hear my son crying. I realized that I should act like I have an audience all the time.

It didn't work after they left though.


----------



## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

I too have done the "pretend others are watching" thing.









Another book: When Anger Hurts Your Kids by McKay et al.


----------



## smeisnotapirate (Aug 24, 2007)

I like the visualizations, too. Validating my anger, planning what I want to do, and then going "OMG, I'm going to do that to my DS??" really helps me diffuse.

Also, and I'm going to sound SO vain, but what I've done is get LOTS of mirrors (started out for a totally unrelated reason). Put them around the house, and when I get angry, I look at myself in the mirror. We are UGLY when we're angry and about to blow. Oftentimes, just seeing myself at my ugliest will diffuse my hot head.


----------



## Bug-a-Boo's Mama (Jan 15, 2008)

I am so glad that I found this thread! I have a temper and I HATE it







.

I have been able to reign it in-but ugh I am a yeller







. I find it worse while in a stressful moment and someone decides to be disagreeable, difficult. Thinking back to those moments when I really lost it really have me thinking, really, seriously-I acted like that/did that? I so don't want to be this type of mother. I always wonder how others do it and remain calm. And of course when I hear about another mother who is the same way, it makes me feel a little bit less crazy.

Anyone have any tips on how to handle the DH's? He so knows how to push my buttons and then remains calm as can be while I go over the edge-all the while looking/acting like I am crazy.


----------



## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ainh* 
Ugh. Just tonight I allowed myself to acknowledge the deepness of my anger. I really have a temper. And I never really knew it before.

Counting to 10 and leaving the room are bad choices for me. I just get more riled up thinking about it all. I come back 10 times more mad.

This is a lame thing, but it sometimes works for me. I pretend that someone is watching me or I'm on a camera or something. This week we've been in a hotel and I know that I can't yell because the adjoining rooms (which house colleagues of my husband) will hear us. It's been good. When DS or I is getting into it I just say "you need to run up and down the hallway twice", or "we need to go take a walk around the hotel together". That said, one of my worst parenting moments was in front of a whole playgroup of moms/kids and it's the only time I've popped my guy on the bottom ever --
















I've used this "being observed" trick in other areas too. Like if I need to concentrate on driving I pretend that I am in drivers ed with an instructor there. Or if I'm cooking I make it more fun by pretending that I'm on a cooking show







.

I think I need the list of reminders around too. My son will almost always do something if I pretend he's someone else -- i.e. I will say "Hey baby squirrel, can you put on your shoes?" then he will do it, but he won't if I say "Hey DS, can you put on your shoes?". Weird, eh? But sometimes I forget that baby squirrel is a good listener even when my son can't be









I so needed to find this thread today. I've really been struggling with my anger, my dad had a big temper and hit out of anger, and I'm now starting to acknowledge that I have that tendency too. I'm getting a lot of useful tips from everyone. My problem is to remember them in the moment! I would put post-it's up, but I think DP will think I've gone mad.

I think the 'being observed' thing might work for me too - yesterday I actually WAS observed when I was changing DS's nappy and he was fighting it to the hilt, really a huge tantrum, and I was getting annoyed with him and being rougher than strictly necessary. A friend was coming round and I didn't realise she'd been at my door for several minutes and I'd not heard her knock. When I did, she said she'd peered in the window and saw what was going on. She said 'Are you OK?' I felt very ashamed. I don't know this woman very well. It was just the kind of thing I needed though, to remind me just how unacceptable my tendencies and temptations are.. I also like the suggestion of reflecting on how one felt as a child, with a violent/abusive/angry parent, and how frightening and destructive it was, to give me motivation to NOT do this to DS. It's so hard though.


----------



## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

Thanks for starting this thread. I have no tips yet - but I'm definitely one who struggles. DS#1 is highly explosive and every behavioural outburst seems to push my buttons. I thought I had dealt with my anger issues but since my children were born, I realize that was a delusion on my part. I hope to have some good advice to offer in time.


----------



## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

Ugh. I'm a yeller. I have a temper. And I didn't inherit it, I've just always been this way.

So many of these things don't work for me. DD1 (33 months) has always pushed my buttons. We butt heads daily. She does not listen to things I say until I yell, sometimes. DH says she was put on this earth to push my buttons.

Sometimes I ask her "Would you behave like this for Daddy?" And she'll smile and say no. So I'll ask her to treat me like I'm Daddy. This seems to work, so long as I can keep my cool, like DH always can. Very little she does phases him.

I hate feeling like others are watching or can hear us (And we're in a condo, so I know others can hear us). It doesn't help me to be a calmer parent. Not sure why. I think in part because guilt is not a motivator for me.

What helps is for us to get out of each other's space, together. If that makes any sense. We'll be having a difficult day, or I can sense one brewing, and I make the executive decision to get the heck out of the house. She is a social butterfly and she loves the stimulation of being out. So we go out.

Other times, I think "What difference does it make if I go to her or she comes to me?" Because that's one thing that seems to get my goat daily, she doesn't listen when I say "Come here." "Come here so I can comb your hair." "Come here and talk to me about XYZ." It's not that she's unwilling to do these things, she doesn't get why it has to be on MY terms, in my arbitrary location. And it is arbitrary. 99% of the time, it's no big deal for me to go to her instead of vice-versa. I want her hair combed now, so I need to go to her to do it.

I get that she's 2.5 and testing boundaries. I just wish once she found my limit, she'd stop pushing so hard. I feel like everytime I try to do something fun for her, like story time at the library, she "ruins" it. She won't sit down, she won't leave the other little kids alone, she has huge fit when it's time to go or heaven-forbid some other child dares to so much as touch the Clifford the Big Red Dog doll. No matter what I say, how I say it, how much I discuss things before hand, or praise her afterwards on good days, etc. So it makes me not want to take her. But then we're cooped up at home and I certainly know that's no good for her/us either.

She's always been an intense child. It's the defiance that's really getting to me right now.


----------



## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

Great ideas in here. I'm prone to yelling and grew up with yell-y parents. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop myself from yelling, but I can manage to yell crazy nonsense stuff and start jumping around and waving my arms, and then get the girls involved jumping around and acting like crazy people, and we end up laughing, totally defusing the moment.

Sometimes.


----------



## BetsyNY (Jul 1, 2005)

There's a great tool in 7 Habits for Highly Effective Families (I know, I know, but the book really has some good stuff in it).

Essentially, the author says that the ability to pause between a stimulus and response is what separates us from animals. Visualizing that pause button works for me sometimes. You CAN pause after a stimulus (tantrum, screaming, defiance, etc) to decide what your response will be.


----------



## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

So I've been reading When Anger Hurts Your Kids by McKay (et al). It is basically cognitive behavioural therapy -- examining our beliefs and assumption, how we magnify our thoughts and label. For example, my child keeps crying and tantruming when I say no to something. Belief/assumption: "She's doing this to test boundaries... AGAIN! She ALWAYS does this! It's so annoying!" Magnification: "I can't take this!!!!" Labelling: "She's so uncooperative!!!"

There's a brief 3 or 4 page section on age appropriate behaviours, and developmental norms based on age. Then comes the reality check (for example): "My four year old is just trying to get what she wants. This is human. She doesn't know how to cope with disappointment yet, she's only 4. She will learn. It's annoying but I can handle it. I'm the grown up here. How can I gain her cooperation/redirect her/give her what she needs?"

Similar to Steps To Effective Parenting, there is a section that talks about how a child "misbehaves" when she/he doesn't feel like they fit into the family in a productive way. I'm not sure I'm explaining it right. But I'll keep trying... a child needs to feel like they belong and are worthy by fitting in through cooperation and contribution of their skills and attributes. So they may use revenge or power plays or something to get attention and feel important. We should encourage them to feel important through cooperation and encourage them to develop skills to do things themselves that they're capable of. This develops self-esteem.

I'm learning so much here. This is some stuff I've read before but I feel like I'm ripe...

Another excellent resource Mamas, from my pdoc: http://www.circleofsecurity.org/
"The Circle of Security® is an innovative intervention program designed to alter the developmental pathway of parents and their young children." Click in, go to the Resource section at the top of the page and check out the downloads. You can print out some stuff, and post them around you as reminders (







: like I have done







). Based on attachment theory. Very lovely.

Thinking of you Mamas today!!! We had a rough few days but today was much better.







You have to try, try again. Pick yourself off, dust off and keep going.


----------



## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hokulele* 
I read somewhere about it being ok to express anger, just not towards the child. And for me that's a good starting point. Wherever I read this said if you feel angry, go into another room and stomp your foot. OK for the kid to see you being angry because you are working it out and not taking it out on someone.

My mom used to do this, but she would end up breaking something. I think the kids see this. Plus, slamming may seem like an anger release but I wish there was a way I could handle the anger, or better yet, not feel it in the first place.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ainh* 
This is a lame thing, but it sometimes works for me. I pretend that someone is watching me or I'm on a camera or something.

I've used this "being observed" trick in other areas too. Like if I need to concentrate on driving I pretend that I am in drivers ed with an instructor there. Or if I'm cooking I make it more fun by pretending that I'm on a cooking show







.

I do this too, even the cooking show thing!


----------



## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Surfacing* 
So I've been reading When Anger Hurts Your Kids by McKay (et al). It is basically cognitive behavioural therapy -- examining our beliefs and assumption, how we magnify our thoughts and label. For example, my child keeps crying and tantruming when I say no to something. Belief/assumption: "She's doing this to test boundaries... AGAIN! She ALWAYS does this! It's so annoying!" Magnification: "I can't take this!!!!" Labelling: "She's so uncooperative!!!"

There's a brief 3 or 4 page section on age appropriate behaviours, and developmental norms based on age. Then comes the reality check (for example): "My four year old is just trying to get what she wants. This is human. She doesn't know how to cope with disappointment yet, she's only 4. She will learn. It's annoying but I can handle it. I'm the grown up here. How can I gain her cooperation/redirect her/give her what she needs?"

Similar to Steps To Effective Parenting, there is a section that talks about how a child "misbehaves" when she/he doesn't feel like they fit into the family in a productive way. I'm not sure I'm explaining it right. But I'll keep trying... a child needs to feel like they belong and are worthy by fitting in through cooperation and contribution of their skills and attributes. So they may use revenge or power plays or something to get attention and feel important. We should encourage them to feel important through cooperation and encourage them to develop skills to do things themselves that they're capable of. This develops self-esteem.

I'm learning so much here. This is some stuff I've read before but I feel like I'm ripe...

Another excellent resource Mamas, from my pdoc: http://www.circleofsecurity.org/
"The Circle of Security® is an innovative intervention program designed to alter the developmental pathway of parents and their young children." Click in, go to the Resource section at the top of the page and check out the downloads. You can print out some stuff, and post them around you as reminders (







: like I have done







). Based on attachment theory. Very lovely.

Thinking of you Mamas today!!! We had a rough few days but today was much better.







You have to try, try again. Pick yourself off, dust off and keep going.

Thank you for all this, it's so helpful. I like the idea of the child needing to feel a productive part of the family.This is where, for me, Continuum Concept stuff helps - not being child-centred, helping the child be part of what the family does rather than the other way round. But that's just an aside.

I've just had two 'no yelling at all days', - which at the rate I've been going lately, is good in my books - and felt much more connected with DS, enjoying parenting him, and more patient too. It seems to be a weird kind of feedback loop - once I start giving into my frustration and venting it in any way towards him or the environment, I then feel frustrated more easily and more quickly,and so it goes on. But when I manage to control myself and be the parent I want to be, which for me largely involves SLOWING DOWN (not rushing around) and remembering 'How important is it?', then I am far less likely to get impatient in the first place.

I'm finding what's helping me the last couple of days is, when I start feeling frustrated, and feel I might soon crack, to voice my feelings gently (DS is 21 months so prob doesn't understand, but it's for my own benefit mainly), ie 'I'm starting to feel a bit angry now', and for some reason that really helps me. It's like ,I'm owning my feelings, acknowledging them, not suppressing them, but for me it puts that 'pause' button between the stimulus and response that BetsyNY was talking about. It helps me to acknowledge my own needs in the situation, and hopefully as DS gets older it will model for him how to approach one's emotions. Today, sadly, I did shout one time (after he did the same thing for a 10th time and I just got so frustrated b/c he seemed so 'wilful' and bc I was getting no housework done as a result), but straight afterwards I hugged him and apologised. It was terrible to see him upset. That should be enough for me. But somehow, I have to keep learning over and over again. It's forming new neural pathways in my brain, bc in my family anger was always the way. As Surfacing says, pick yourself up and start again...


----------



## BabyMae09 (Sep 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sasharna* 
Naomi Aldort recommends visualizing yourself saying and doing all the awful things you're about to say and do. I find this plunks me straight into the remorseful stage, without actually yelling, snapping, or being rough. It's like getting a second chance without screwing up.

That's the best idea EVER!


----------



## kreeeesta (Jul 9, 2009)

O-M-G!!! I'm not the only one!!!!????

I feel so much less "crazy", sort of...lol

Sorry I don't have any ideas for how to deal with this temper thing. And (for me) the foul language that goes along with it. I'm just recently realizing how bad it really is! My 16mo old is yelling a lot these days. And like one of you said, my husband as well just stays cool, calm and collected while I go off the deep end (though half the time it's HIM that's making me crazy so of course he does!) - which just makes me feel that much worse, like "what's wrong with me?!"

Anyways, I'm going to try some of these suggestions and check out the books that were suggested and come back for more! Hopefully I'll be able to add to the suggestions some day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this thread!

Let's all have a big cyber-









I send love and peace and success to all you amazing mamas!


----------



## ainh (Jul 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kreeeesta* 
Sorry I don't have any ideas for how to deal with this temper thing. And (for me) the foul language that goes along with it.


Um. Yea. Be careful with the language. My son started swearing when he was about 2.5 and it's been tough (and occasionally cute, like when I dropped a huge bag of frozen blueberries across the kitchen floor and he looked at me and said "do you need to say shit?"). The worst was when he stared saying "fuck it" during a tantrum. That pretty much stopped my swearing altogether. Ugh.


----------



## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ainh* 
when I dropped a huge bag of frozen blueberries across the kitchen floor and he looked at me and said "do you need to say shit?"
















:


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

I, too, was parented by an angry and violent dad. And although we don't hit or spank our son (conscious choice), I realized that the reason my child hits and pinches ME is that my big-scary-angry-face "feels" violent to him! By virtue of the fact that I am big and powerful and a parent, any time I turn big anger onto him.....sheesh....who could blame him for feeling the need to (a) defend himself by fighting back and (b) follow my lead and adopt anger as his response? I'm sure this is it. I taught him how to do all the rotten angry things that he does.

That being said, I am having great success turning it around. And I am sure I can do it. (And having my first & only kid at 43 and having this realization just this year at age 49, that's really saying something! It's never too late!!)

Here is my attempt at explaining what helps. First I realize that *I* control whether someone pushes my buttons. You can read that in a million different books, but until you really FEEL it, it doesn't make sense. But it's true.

Because of the experience of being hit by my dad, and feeling utterly helpless, I can see that when someone hits me, it is a potential trigger. But note the word "potential." We signed up for a 3-class trial of Kung Fu for him last week, and already the talk of "respect" and "discipline" and the practice of getting down to his level and looking each other right in the eye when speaking....this has all helped. I also keep my eye on the ball; i.e. my goal.

Example...Today, he got frustrated during lessons (we homeschool). He started to take it out on me first by sassing, and then by trying to hit me. I kept my eyes locked on his and deflected his blows, saying "I will not be hurt." "We don't hit during lessons." And I tried to enunciate his feelings to defuse it "You might be frustrated; maybe you're scared you'll get the wrong answer, but this isn't the way" (all the while he's whapping at me, mind you, and I am deflecting, eyes steady). I ask "do I need to go into another room to be safe from you?" (he says No) But in my mind I am NOT letting go of the idea that "I will sit here and finish this lesson. Nothing will get us off track. He needs the assurance that his powerful feelings can't knock me over emotionally. I am strong enough. He needs me to be stable enough. I am teaching him now. No matter how frustrated he gets, it's his job to sit down and handle it without hitting. I can wait him out. I am TEACHING him by my calm. It is my job to do this. I will NOT have the same fear & violence-based relationship with him as I had with my Dad." etc

And BTW I forgive my Dad. I heard from relatives that HIS Dad had been brutal to him. And then died when my Dad was only 7. He was a scared and angry little kid, no doubt. He didn't have it in him to break the cycle, and he passed it to us. But I am DETERMINED to break that chain. Actually I can say that I HAVE done it, because parenting this boy is the most important and precious thing I will EVER have been entrusted to do. And my life was so marred by sadness and fear by what my parents did.....it stops RIGHT HERE. It is these thoughts that "I choose better" that really calm me.

The past is really gone. The future hasn't happened. What will I do with the only moment I have--i.e. NOW?

Thanks for listening. If I can feel hopeful about this, then I'm sure you can too when your time is right.


----------



## xbabymamax (Jun 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pastrygirl* 
I also tell him that if I threaten to spank his hand, he needs to tell me that he needs kisses and hugs, not spanks.

I know what you mean, but I wanted to point out, that It may not be good either to put make the child feel responsible for your actions. Ya know what I mean?

Plus, when a big adult is angry with you, its not really easy to remember that or have the courage to say it.
<3









Don't have much time to write.


----------



## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *La Rune* 
I'm struggling with this and my poor DD is only 13 months old.

She has always been a high-needs baby, and I have to admit, that made me angry. I have no tolerance for screaming. Crying I can take, it makes me feel like helping a child ... screaming is a different story. It makes me want to just shut. them. UP. And she has been a screamer from Day 1. Even when I was wearing her, nursing her, bouncing her, and getting nothing for myself, she screamed constantly......

I had screamers. Have you checked to see if she has reflux? You may have to consult a pediatric gastro doc for the answer.

xoe


----------



## xbabymamax (Jun 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
I, too, was parented by an angry and violent dad. And although we don't hit or spank our son (conscious choice), I realized that the reason my child hits and pinches ME is that my big-scary-angry-face "feels" violent to him! By virtue of the fact that I am big and powerful and a parent, any time I turn big anger onto him.....sheesh....who could blame him for feeling the need to (a) defend himself by fighting back and (b) follow my lead and adopt anger as his response? I'm sure this is it. I taught him how to do all the rotten angry things that he does.

That being said, I am having great success turning it around. And I am sure I can do it. (And having my first & only kid at 43 and having this realization just this year at age 49, that's really saying something! It's never too late!!)

Here is my attempt at explaining what helps. First I realize that *I* control whether someone pushes my buttons. You can read that in a million different books, but until you really FEEL it, it doesn't make sense. But it's true.

Because of the experience of being hit by my dad, and feeling utterly helpless, I can see that when someone hits me, it is a potential trigger. But note the word "potential." We signed up for a 3-class trial of Kung Fu for him last week, and already the talk of "respect" and "discipline" and the practice of getting down to his level and looking each other right in the eye when speaking....this has all helped. I also keep my eye on the ball; i.e. my goal.

Example...Today, he got frustrated during lessons (we homeschool). He started to take it out on me first by sassing, and then by trying to hit me. I kept my eyes locked on his and deflected his blows, saying "I will not be hurt." "We don't hit during lessons." And I tried to enunciate his feelings to defuse it "You might be frustrated; maybe you're scared you'll get the wrong answer, but this isn't the way" (all the while he's whapping at me, mind you, and I am deflecting, eyes steady). I ask "do I need to go into another room to be safe from you?" (he says No) But in my mind I am NOT letting go of the idea that "I will sit here and finish this lesson. Nothing will get us off track. He needs the assurance that his powerful feelings can't knock me over emotionally. I am strong enough. He needs me to be stable enough. I am teaching him now. No matter how frustrated he gets, it's his job to sit down and handle it without hitting. I can wait him out. I am TEACHING him by my calm. It is my job to do this. I will NOT have the same fear & violence-based relationship with him as I had with my Dad." etc

And BTW I forgive my Dad. I heard from relatives that HIS Dad had been brutal to him. And then died when my Dad was only 7. He was a scared and angry little kid, no doubt. He didn't have it in him to break the cycle, and he passed it to us. But I am DETERMINED to break that chain. Actually I can say that I HAVE done it, because parenting this boy is the most important and precious thing I will EVER have been entrusted to do. And my life was so marred by sadness and fear by what my parents did.....it stops RIGHT HERE. It is these thoughts that "I choose better" that really calm me.

The past is really gone. The future hasn't happened. What will I do with the only moment I have--i.e. NOW?

Thanks for listening. If I can feel hopeful about this, then I'm sure you can too when your time is right.

Wow. You brought tears to my eyes. Your message was really poignant. Thank you for sharing. Thanks for the scenario examples.


----------



## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

I encourage my oldest (3 in November) to tell ME to take a time out when I'm being grumpy/yelling/scary/whatever.

And I find that hearing that calms me right down, even if he yells at at me while trying to smack me in the face, or something.


----------



## kreeeesta (Jul 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
I, too, was parented by an angry and violent dad. And although we don't hit or spank our son (conscious choice), I realized that the reason my child hits and pinches ME is that my big-scary-angry-face "feels" violent to him! By virtue of the fact that I am big and powerful and a parent, any time I turn big anger onto him.....sheesh....who could blame him for feeling the need to (a) defend himself by fighting back and (b) follow my lead and adopt anger as his response? I'm sure this is it. I taught him how to do all the rotten angry things that he does.

That being said, I am having great success turning it around. And I am sure I can do it. (And having my first & only kid at 43 and having this realization just this year at age 49, that's really saying something! It's never too late!!)

Here is my attempt at explaining what helps. First I realize that *I* control whether someone pushes my buttons. You can read that in a million different books, but until you really FEEL it, it doesn't make sense. But it's true.

Because of the experience of being hit by my dad, and feeling utterly helpless, I can see that when someone hits me, it is a potential trigger. But note the word "potential." We signed up for a 3-class trial of Kung Fu for him last week, and already the talk of "respect" and "discipline" and the practice of getting down to his level and looking each other right in the eye when speaking....this has all helped. I also keep my eye on the ball; i.e. my goal.

Example...Today, he got frustrated during lessons (we homeschool). He started to take it out on me first by sassing, and then by trying to hit me. I kept my eyes locked on his and deflected his blows, saying "I will not be hurt." "We don't hit during lessons." And I tried to enunciate his feelings to defuse it "You might be frustrated; maybe you're scared you'll get the wrong answer, but this isn't the way" (all the while he's whapping at me, mind you, and I am deflecting, eyes steady). I ask "do I need to go into another room to be safe from you?" (he says No) But in my mind I am NOT letting go of the idea that "I will sit here and finish this lesson. Nothing will get us off track. He needs the assurance that his powerful feelings can't knock me over emotionally. I am strong enough. He needs me to be stable enough. I am teaching him now. No matter how frustrated he gets, it's his job to sit down and handle it without hitting. I can wait him out. I am TEACHING him by my calm. It is my job to do this. I will NOT have the same fear & violence-based relationship with him as I had with my Dad." etc

And BTW I forgive my Dad. I heard from relatives that HIS Dad had been brutal to him. And then died when my Dad was only 7. He was a scared and angry little kid, no doubt. He didn't have it in him to break the cycle, and he passed it to us. But I am DETERMINED to break that chain. Actually I can say that I HAVE done it, because parenting this boy is the most important and precious thing I will EVER have been entrusted to do. And my life was so marred by sadness and fear by what my parents did.....it stops RIGHT HERE. It is these thoughts that "I choose better" that really calm me.

The past is really gone. The future hasn't happened. What will I do with the only moment I have--i.e. NOW?

Thanks for listening. If I can feel hopeful about this, then I'm sure you can too when your time is right.

I to was very moved by your post. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts/feelings/story.


----------



## rockportmama (Jun 24, 2008)

Haven't read any but OP yet, but this jumped out at me:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ginadc* 
I hate myself for this.

I've learned that once I learn to forgive myself my mistakes, it becomes possible to forgive others. In other words -- as long as I yell at myself, I will yell at my kids. Learned that from NVC -- Non-Violent Communication. Excellent book.

Gonna read the thread now.

*Hugs*


----------



## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rockportmama* 
I've learned that once I learn to forgive myself my mistakes, it becomes possible to forgive others. In other words -- as long as I yell at myself, I will yell at my kids. Learned that from NVC -- Non-Violent Communication.

Thanks for sharing this.


----------



## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

: This is a major issue for me as well


----------



## doublyblessed (Jun 4, 2008)

my almost 7yo dd follows me a lot too when i need space to calm down. i also am short fused. it sucks. i have all these skills yet sometimes in the moment when she is NOT stopping something like talking rude, being mean (to me or herfriends...),etc. drives me up the WALL. she's been doing this not stopping thing since about 3yo. she just won't quit. or she defies what i told her not to do...ie. stop playing so rough w/ a kid in the pool or stop jumping on the floor as we have people downstairs from us ...i have even given alternative ideas. sometimes i don't WANT to be playful and let my guard down when i'm already so darn upset and hurt/frustrated.

lately i'm at a loss. i too just had a major major blowup. i'm trying SO HARD to be non-punitive andl loving all the time but this child is something else. i seriously have considered many a time the past 2 years of giving her up. she just is so mean and rude. so i become mean and rude. and the cycle goes on and on...


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

Sometimes it seems to us like the child is "being bad" when that's really not what's going on. First, they may be imitating us (have we been yelling or using our "big scary face"? have we been impatient and raising our voices when we get frustrated?) Secondly, they may have something going on, or some unmet need, but they just haven't learned the skills to cope with their strong feelings yet. I mean, if WE are having trouble with controlling ourselves when someone provokes us, imagine how hard it is when you've only been on earth for 6 or 7 years, and haven't seen that much "good coping" to begin with!

So take a breath, realize that this is all a learning experience--for both of you. Don't feel that you have to be "loving all the time." If you are upset, I'm sure it would benefit both of you to have that feeling expressed--in a non-volatile way, of course. 

Hang in there. I know how it feels. When you feel like you're getting it all wrong, it's pretty painful. I haven't visited this thread in a while, but though many things have improved for us since it was first begun, just today we had our own issues. And I feel like a failure and I worry for his future, blah blah......I think it's just natural to feel very intensely about these issues with our kids.

Speaking of our kids, mine is calling me, so I must go.... Best of luck to you.


----------



## jennpn (Jul 30, 2009)

I take deep meditating breaths..."Breath in love....Breath out anger" in and out...until the anger disipates. You may need to leave for a moment to do this. Works for me.


----------



## jewelsJZ (Jan 10, 2008)

Signing on to this thread. Love the idea of a pause button.


----------



## mataji4 (Sep 28, 2006)

This is the thread I am looking for tonight! I love my kids super much but my oldest is just my button pusher. I cannot believe how challenging he is. I feel like sometimes it's all day every day management of him, i.e. where is he, what is he doing, etc...oh look, he's sawing on a tree or he's gone off on his bike or he's picking all the apples off the tree or carving in our picnic table or?????? He's always always been very willful and perseverant. In the last year or so I have hit him a handful of times, like whopping him upside the head, when my patience is gone and I feel like I'm going totally insane. I want to stop it. When I pass a certain point I'm gone. It's like I have no control over what I'm saying or doing, like my brain is one step behind and then it's like "what have you done?" It's a HORRIBLE feeling. How can I expect him to make good choices when I can't??

The counting doesn't work for me, but I'm going to try out the idea of the PAUSE between input and response...that makes good rational sense to me. I'm just scared I can't get ahead of my monster mama self. I'm scared I can't change. I am so tired of fighting with him, butting heads, letting him get to me. ugh.

We got in a fight today before he left for a weekend trip and I feel just awful. Why would he love and respect me when I act like that???? It's not so often considering his often button pushing, but still, I don't ever want to feel out of control like that again.

Thank you for the insights...please keep sharing what's worked for you!


----------



## kreeeesta (Jul 9, 2009)

I too feel absolutely HORRIBLE about myself. Just yesterday I was yelling at my 18mo ds at the top of my lungs!! I'm so embarrassed of myself - we live in a condo - everyone probably heard me and must think I'm psycho!

I just don't know how to control myself. In the moment, when I'm "seeing red", in some corner of my mind I may even think, "What am I doing to him? Stop it!", but still can't seem to stop acting the way I am. It's like I'm possessed by the rage. Afterwords, I am so crushed.

I sometimes think it might be nice if something happened to him and he died. Then I could get my life back, my SELF, my SPIRIT, back. I know this sounds so completely horrible. I feel horrible for thinking it. I just am at the end of my rope. He just gets into EVERYTHING, and doesn't listen when I tell him he needs to stop doing something. He goes and does it anyway, while looking out the corner of his eye to see what I'll do. I don't know what I have possibly done that has made him act this way. It's been ever since he became mobile.

Ugh! I'm a mess right now, sorry. I just feel like such a failure, you know?


----------



## mataji4 (Sep 28, 2006)

I was inspired around midnight last night to replace our long list of family rules with signs in each room that read "BE KIND." I took that from my daughter's teacher, as it's their only class rule. It pretty much covers everything and is in big letters, easy for us to see from anywhere in the room.

I also tied white cotton yarn to my wrists...symbolism: wrapped four times on each wrist, one wrap for each child, white for peace and easy to see, and will remind me of my children and to PAUSE. They worked twice for me today in moments where I was going to yell, not too loudly, but still, I took a breathe and just talked nicely. That felt very very good









Thank you all for sharing. Glad to know that other people just get more mad too while counting to 10. I like counting out loud backwards from 1000 til calm...it might take me the whole way sometimes!!


----------



## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kreeeesta* 
I too feel absolutely HORRIBLE about myself (snip) I don't know what I have possibly done that has made him act this way. It's been ever since he became mobile.









:

His behavior is entirely age appropriate; you didn't do anything to make him that way. They're ALL that way.









I can empathize with the feeling of being totally consumed by your child and ceasing to exist; it can be so overwhelming. My only advice is to try and carve out some time and space for yourself (you need it!), and I can tell you that things will get less intense as time goes on. My almost-three-year-old has actually asked me to leave him alone (!?!







)


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

I heartily agree with the age-appropriateness thing. At 18 months a kid isn't necessarily "being bad" or "misebehaving" -- so every time we interpret their actions that way we think we will go crazy because they are ALWAYS doing "it" (whatever "it" is). But seriously...at 18 months they aren't about to "obey." It's not as simple as that. They have a lot to learn and experiment with, and frankly they might get a charge out of our reactions if they're explosive.

And do NOT worry.....this WILL pass. You will eventually get your Self back. Seriously! When we are in the middle of it, we think that oh my god my Self is gone forever. It is not. It gets better. But it is up to you to find a way to set Boundaries if you are going to have that happen.

I am not a Christian, but the Boundaries series of books by Cloud & Townsend is SUPER. There's regular Boundaries, Boundaries for Kids, Boundaries in Marriage....the lessons you can learn in these books will serve you for your whole life, even if you are not a Christian. And I don't mean angry boundaries...I mean firm, kind, limit-setting, sanity-saving boundaries.

And one more thing: there is a book by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka called Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. GET THIS BOOK. I sound urgent because a few posts back I heard some real urgent-sounding stuff that freaked me out a little. (I think I hit "quick reply" on the wrong post but can't see how to get out of it) So seek out these good resources that can give you a better, more helpful perspective when you're in the thick of it.

These children get ONE CHILDHOOD. We owe it to them to do our very best to honor them---and also to show them that we honor ourselves. That is a powerful lesson they need to learn, by example.

OK I will get off my soapbox now.


----------



## jennydecki (Jun 8, 2009)

I'm a counter. Not your "calm down in ten seconds" kind, oh that would be a joke if I tried to do it.

When the kids have me at my wit's end I yell for them to go to their rooms, then I stop yelling about what they *did* and start counting...at the top of my lungs... it goes a little something like this:

ONE, TWO, RUTABEGA, ELEPHANT, DEER SOCKS, FOURTEEN, EIGHTY-SEVEN...

And I keep counting until one of the kids starts laughing and then I start laughing and then I'm able to sit down and tell her that what she did was not okay and it made mommy so mad she forgot how to count. (They know this is important, they're 3&4)

I get my yelling anger out, they know the situation is important, and I'm enjoying this thread because it will have other great ideas I can try!

For me, the key is to keep yelling until I'm not mad anymore, but my kids aren't scared because I'm saying funny stuff. (They have tempers, too and have done this to each other on several occasions...it makes me feel good I'm teaching them a way to cope with anger that's not "be a good, sweet, nice girl and bury it deep" - that never works...)


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

I like that idea....it made me chuckle. It points something out to me that needs to be looked at.

Very often, when I am in the heat of the moment, and I remember a funny and cheerful suggestion like this one, something is revealed to me about myself. It is this: I find myself not wanting to laugh. I become very aware that I want this to stay dead serious. If we laugh, something will be lost (or so says my subconscious). But what is it?

I think this is very interesting! It reveals to me that maybe the yelling bit is more about ego and ME, ME, ME and YOU MUST COMPLY and I'M THE BOSS.......(sounding childish yet?)

It takes a true grownup devoid of ego to be able to "give something away" at that key moment of fury. To be able to let down guard, become soft again, to laugh, to give the child that funny way out, then talk later when the waters are calmed.

So very often I am not that big a person. But Jennydecki has nailed it. How dangerous we become when we take ourselves too seriously.

Thanks for the reminder, Jennydecki....a reminder which can't come too often!


----------



## Limabean1975 (Jan 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
These children get ONE CHILDHOOD. We owe it to them to do our very best to honor them---and also to show them that we honor ourselves. That is a powerful lesson they need to learn, by example.

I like this alot. In fact, I just e-mailed it to DH and asked him to print it up in large font to put on the fridge. A great and gentle reminder.


----------



## Limabean1975 (Jan 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennydecki* 
I'm a counter. Not your "calm down in ten seconds" kind, oh that would be a joke if I tried to do it.

When the kids have me at my wit's end I yell for them to go to their rooms, then I stop yelling about what they *did* and start counting...at the top of my lungs... it goes a little something like this:

ONE, TWO, RUTABEGA, ELEPHANT, DEER SOCKS, FOURTEEN, EIGHTY-SEVEN...

And I keep counting until one of the kids starts laughing and then I start laughing and then I'm able to sit down and tell her that what she did was not okay and it made mommy so mad she forgot how to count. (They know this is important, they're 3&4)


Oh my god, you are awesome.


----------



## HolliM (Apr 15, 2008)

Subbing. Great thread and I really need this right now as I don't like how I've been feeling/thinking about my 13 month old.







Thanks for all the tips ladies!


----------



## dachshundqueen (Dec 17, 2004)

It may sound odd, but I clap my hands as hard as possible and take a deep breath. It works more often than not and no one gets yelled at or injured. Perhaps it just shakes us all out of the moment so that we can deal with things better.

Liz


----------



## kreeeesta (Jul 9, 2009)

"I think this is very interesting! It reveals to me that maybe the yelling bit is more about ego and ME, ME, ME and YOU MUST COMPLY and I'M THE BOSS.......(sounding childish yet?)

It takes a true grownup devoid of ego to be able to "give something away" at that key moment of fury. To be able to let down guard, become soft again, to laugh, to give the child that funny way out, then talk later when the waters are calmed.

So very often I am not that big a person. But Jennydecki has nailed it. How dangerous we become when we take ourselves too seriously."

Thanks for this post! And your previous one as well...


----------



## kreeeesta (Jul 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kreeeesta* 
I think this is very interesting! It reveals to me that maybe the yelling bit is more about ego and ME, ME, ME and YOU MUST COMPLY and I'M THE BOSS.......(sounding childish yet?)

It takes a true grownup devoid of ego to be able to "give something away" at that key moment of fury. To be able to let down guard, become soft again, to laugh, to give the child that funny way out, then talk later when the waters are calmed.

So very often I am not that big a person. But Jennydecki has nailed it. How dangerous we become when we take ourselves too seriously.

Thanks for this post! And your previous one as well...


----------



## Trinitty (Jul 15, 2004)

I inherited my temper from my Father.

I have mostly contained it in my adult years and so far it's been contained as a parent.

I use the SALVE method, with everything, all of the time

*S*eperate. Seperate yourself from the situation, mentally, step back.

*A*ssess. Assess the situation. How bad is this now? Will it matter tomrrow?

*L*isten. Listen to your child/spouse/coworker. What to they want? What do they need?

*V*alidate. Validate their feelings by truly listening and repeating it back to them.

*E*mpower. Empower them. Show them how to rebuild the tower, save allowance for the toy they want. Tell you a story about what's bothering them, etc.

It has been an excellent tool for me.

Trin.


----------



## VTmamadownsouth (Nov 26, 2008)

Thank god for this thread!

I am another one who inherited a temper from her father and who struggles to apply gentle disciplin in spite of it.

For the most part I do alright, but it feels like a constant struggle inside. I usually feel awful about this because I want to look and feel like a Nelson, Cohen, or Sears and just breeze through parenthood with all these great solutions and skills. I'm so relieved to know I'm not the only mom who struggles with anger and temper, and that I'm allowed to forgive myself for it. I get so hung up on not being one of the model GD parents that I find on MDC that I wonder if I should ever have more children (even though I want them). I'm going to keep this thread bookmarked so I can visit it when I need tools and reassurance.

Thank you for your posts.


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

You know, it feels like ages since I struggled with this. I wonder now about how the change has come about for us.

I mean, it's obviously been stuff we've changed about our parenting and our expectations. But I have to say, this lady's blog has really opened my eyes to look at things a new way:
http://thesparklingmartins.blogspot.com/

In some ways she is way too far out for me; but in other ways the philosophy has REALLY helped! It really gets the ol' brain gears turning.

And she has a Yahoo group too, so you can get support and ask questions and all that. Good luck!


----------



## jrabbit (May 10, 2008)

subbing - having a particularly anger-filled week. we cancelled our 10-year old's birthday party (supposed to be tomorrow) due to too many tantrums, and I know I share the blame for them.

we will be spending the weekend trying to mend our relationships.

read page 1 - will read more later


----------



## neonalee (Nov 20, 2009)

Subscribing. My father had a horrible temper when I was younger and I inherited that. I vividly remember punching a hole in a wall when I was younger. He started taking martial arts when I was almost through high school and that made a big difference in our household, but I'd already learned the bad stuff. As an adult (and I'm 36 now) I've learned to go perfectly still when I'm about to lose it. I basically shut down until I know I can open my mouth or move without doing/saying something I don't really want to. I've even done really well with DSD and modeled better 'dealing with life' skills for her and DP. BUT I'm having my first child next summer and I'M SCARED. DSD just can't push my buttons. But I know my own child will be able to. So gathering ideas now. Love the one about the push ups and I will suggest it to both DP and DSD. Hoping for strength for all of us.


----------



## Jenine (Dec 6, 2007)

subbing- I'm so near tears. I have had a great relationship with DS up until 8 weeks ago when DD was born. Now I'm at my limit and the frustration and yelling have begun. I was able to keep myself calm with him before, GD was possible and going mostly smoothly, but now I'm stumped and everything I thought I knew has gone out the window. I feel so sad, I'm afraid my wonderful relationship with him is just going to fall apart, he is almost 3. DH and I just had an unproductive conversation about it that made me feel worse. I'm glad this thread was here tonight.


----------



## Krisis (May 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VTmamadownsouth* 
Thank god for this thread!

I get so hung up on not being one of the model GD parents that I find on MDC that I wonder if I should ever have more children (even though I want them). I'm going to keep this thread bookmarked so I can visit it when I need tools and reassurance.

Thank you for your posts.

Amen. Sometimes I have a hard time even visiting MDC because mamas here seem so perfect and patient and awesome.

I have a violent, violent temper. I used to beat the crap out of my siblings. I have spanked DS. I have screamed at him. I hate myself for it, but I can't change what has happened. I can only try to make myself better from now on. I really like the hand-clapping idea.

Subbing. Thanks, mamas, for being willing to share your darker selves here. It is a relief to find I am not alone.


----------



## Amber Lion (Sep 22, 2006)

I'm thankful to find this thread tonight. Lots of great ideas and reminders/affirmations about WHY I don't want to do what I just did with my DD over bedtime.










I used to be one of those annoying childless people who could never understand why a parent would even raise their voice let alone get rough or spank their child and had all the aspirations in the world about breaking the cycle of violence in my own family. My father had a nasty temper too and as I'm finding out, so do I. I think I'm finally, reading this thread, willing to admit it.

I've never hit my child, but I've been way rougher than I ever thought I could be. I get overwhelmed with rage like I've never experienced before and it's sometimes too much for me to stop and choose another way to deal with the situation, or like a PP said, I have the thought but am so mad I decide to go ahead with it anyway. And instantly I'm remorseful and sick with how scary the situation must be for my DD.

*Does anyone have any specific tips for dealing with rage during bedtime/night wakings?* My DD is still so young and for some reason I'm pretty much able to keep it together and be gentle during the day (I see her behavior as age appropriate and can deal), but once bedtime hits I just can't deal with her fighting sleep and waking up so often. It's not like I can walk away from the bed in the middle of the night to take 10 deep breaths, and being partially asleep and desperate for sleep makes everything seem worse. And trying to get her to sleep is actually the worst while she's kicking and thrashing and pinching and won't. be. still. long enough to actually fall asleep. That's when I've gotten the roughest and I just realized, how on earth do I think that scaring the crap out of her is going to help her relax and fall asleep?!?







I can think I need to do it differently, but I need some real strategies for keeping it together if anyone has got something up their sleeve.


----------



## jewelsJZ (Jan 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jenine* 
subbing- I'm so near tears. I have had a great relationship with DS up until 8 weeks ago when DD was born. Now I'm at my limit and the frustration and yelling have begun. I was able to keep myself calm with him before, GD was possible and going mostly smoothly, but now I'm stumped and everything I thought I knew has gone out the window. I feel so sad, I'm afraid my wonderful relationship with him is just going to fall apart, he is almost 3. DH and I just had an unproductive conversation about it that made me feel worse. I'm glad this thread was here tonight.

(((hugs))), Jenine, this is such a hard time. This was one of the hardest times in my relationship with my oldest child, when the second one was born. It will get better. As you get more sleep and your family adjusts to having another child. The things that helped were getting help--family, friends, neighbors, whoever offers help in any way that actually was helpful, we accepted it. Especially if other kids could come over and play with ds, that was wonderful for him. Dh and I also tried to give ds one on one time each week. Naps help too, for everyone. But mostly it was just a rough time and looking back, it was just hard for all of us.

Today our relationship is pretty good. He remains my most challenging child but we work on it bit by bit. If I yell or am unfair, I apologize to him and we move on.


----------



## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

what a great thread, I can relate to so many mamas here, I also was raised by a parent with a very hot temper (not violent, thankfully) and I struggle every day, especially when I'm tired, sick, overwhelmed etc. I find with two kids I am 100X more likely to lose it.
I have tried the empathizing, the verbally repeating their feelings thing to be very helpful, also I try to imagine that someone else is watching, or try to see myself through my child's eyes. All of these work sometimes, but I can also relate to the 'seeing red' feeling, especially with defiance, with bedtimes when I am already tired etc.

Great thread, and I need to put many of these suggestions into place.


----------



## Nansense (Jan 5, 2009)

Woo Hoo...4 pages so I'm not alone! Everyone said I'd be a great mom because I was so patient and calm.....don't know what happened...but I definitely have some anger.

One thing that I've been doing and seems to be working is telling my 2 toddler boys that I'm starting to get mad and they need to do what I say. Verbalizing my emotions imho is better than expressing it physically, which I was doing. The more I'd throw items or scream or slam doors, the more my kids did it.

*Verbalizing my emotions actually defuses my anger better than slamming doors.*

*Amber:* Does anyone have any specific tips for dealing with rage during bedtime/night wakings?

My ds used to have wakings, but he really wasn't awake so after we figured this out, we stopped talking and just held him and tapped on his pillow to get him to lay down again. I also gently rub his back to help calm him down. Before, the more we talked to him and asked him questions (do you want potty? are you hungry? etc...) the more intense it got. So keeping things quiet works better. (for us anyway.)

Thanks so much to op for starting this, I've been on other mom forums and it was so taboo to admit needing help with anger, we can all help eachother!


----------



## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I would imagine everyone's triggers are different, but I notice that (almost consistently) I get angriest when I have not been with the child when the problem started, and I hear about the problem after the fact. Does this make sense? For example, if my 4 yo does something to my 2 yo and I just hear my 2 yo cry about it, I am much more likely to get angry than I would be if I'd been with them both all along.

I liken this to contractions. When I have them and they build up slowly, I can deal with them because I know they are coming. However, if they would come on suddenly and intensely, they'd be much harder to deal with.

If I can manage to connect before I correct (I read this somewhere and it's true) then I end up not getting mad or as mad.

One other thing (also preventative) is trying to identify why I am mad. Children really never do anything "wrong" though it is hard to realize that in the moment-- it really is all about ME. When I go through a few days of being mad I look for patterns. Today I realized that it's because I feel sort of helpless with a newborn, so I reviewed doing back carries. I felt like a new person with her on my back-- FINALLY able to help my kids easily.

These tips have been amazing. I love the counting one (counting in a funny way). I think humor is such a wonderful resource. I just need to use it more!


----------



## flower01 (Aug 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SunflowerMama* 
I have my moments as well...and I think that we all will experience it at least once. I mean we are only human.

For me if I don't let myself get caught up in the moment praying works. I will say a Hail Mary, or the St. Michael the Archangel prayer. Oh, sometimes I even say,"Precious Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ wash over me." That really seems to help.










Thank you for this.


----------



## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

I have found it helpful to reflect on the anger itself, and where it comes from. What is the underlying assumption when I get angry? What is literally happening inside my head? (I do this reflecting later on, not in-the-moment). I think we'd all do well to do this. For example, if I get angry at my child for something, what is the underlying assumption? Is it "I know best and my child is disobeying me." or "I am seriously afraid right now that I am failing as a parent, and when I am afraid, it comes out in anger." It is HUGELY important to analyze this way. Get at the root of it.

Sometimes when I think about my angry & too-often violent Dad, it helps to remember that his dad died when he was just 7 years old. And his own dad had been brutal with him. So how afraid was that little boy, my Dad? Pretty much so. And if he's anything like me, he gets angry when he's afraid. So look inside yourself. What are you afraid of, if that is the case? Are you comparing yourself against some external "parenting rules," some expectations that someone (maybe YOU) have of yourself that aren't realistic? Are you thinking in terms of success or failure with your kid, and disobedience signals failure? Get inside that noggin of yours and see what's happening.

Ever since we've changed our parenting style (even during the course of my time here at the Mothering forums), the anger issue has all but disappeared for us. I'd be happy to elaborate or correspond privately (if need be) for anyone who wants to know more.


----------



## Aletheia (Oct 20, 2005)

I found this thread on a search after I successfully made it through an hour and a half of my 18 month old crying ... without flipping out.

Let me back up.

He was crying because he was overtired. He usually nurses to sleep, but that wasn't working. I have a 3 year old, too, who was waiting for his mama to help him get settled into quiet time. So I had to leave DS2 to attend to DS1 every once in a while. DS2, if left crying, escalates the crying.

I do not do well with crying. Well, there's crying and then there is SCREAMING. That's what was going on today.

And here's the awful part. He has never done that before, so I was assessing the variables. One likely one is that he is 18 months old today, and it is not uncommon for 18 month olds to have a sleep regression. So it could just be that. But two days ago I gruffly pulled him away from a kitchen cabinet he was getting into and plunked him down on the other side of the safety gate too hard. And yesterday he was screaming because he wanted to go outside and I was just trying to get his shoes and jacket on so he could so I spanked him to get him to just settle down and not cry. And I yelled.

I haven't really done that before with him. And so it made it easier not to lose it today because I was thinking, "omg, he is crying and crying because he is so confused about what I am to him." And that is very likely true. My poor baby.

I think of this poem, which the readers of this thread might appreciate more than most:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-clasp/

And I wonder... is that true? That last line? "near the source of love
was this"?

Poetry aside, I am going to read this thread in its entirety and make a more focused effort to control my temper. I am ashamed, and now I see how my 3 year old treats his little brother when he is angry... and I am disgusted with myself.

So, no tips here. Just a little post of self-loathing among people who understand.


----------



## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

Thank you for this thread! I am not a yeller, but I do get angry and do stupid things. I too, am a bed plunker. And last week I slammed DD's (4) bedroom door because she just wasn't listening/cooperating during the night time routine. I felt so STUPID afterwards, especially because DD is fairly dramatic...well, no wonder, right?

One thing I try really, really hard is never to use angry words that are directed at her character. I will say "You're not listening, I need cooperation" but I won't say "You are bad, a brat, etc..." that helps me maintain a little self-respect when I do lose my temper.

On the one hand, we all do lose our tempers, I think it's got to be normal and maybe even acceptable to a point. But I guess we all know when we cross our own personal lines to regrettable behavior. And yes, I can be just as stupid with my husband! Would take any tips for being patient there, too.


----------



## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

I don't know if this has been suggested, but what works (most of the time) for me is when I talk through my emotions with the child (usually middle dd) who's pushing my buttons. I let them know that "I'm feeling a lot of anger in my body" and that I need X to happen. Many times, talking through it helps me see how controlling I'm being and allows me to try a different approach.


----------



## Lohagrace (Sep 21, 2006)

I've been working on this a lot lately. Its been a huge issue for me. Recently, I had an a-ha moment that anger isn't bad or wrong. it just is. i have always made myself wrong for getting angry and frustrated. Of COURSE we are going to get angry living with these infuriating little human beings. Our being impatient, frustrated and angry aren't bad. They are actually our access to being the kinds of parents we want to be. I liked the article on mothering about "the good enough parent" that we are all trapped by the idea that we are supposed to be perfect and then we get guilty, and that causes anger.

I've found the thoughts are what really causes the anger. My children cant MAKE me do anything. My triggers are just that--MY triggers. I choose to let myself get triggered. Sometimes i'm able to be calm and centered and other times i explode. The thoughts are things like "she's such a brat" or "they never let me have any time to myself!" or "she shouldn't be doing this" or "why is she upset? she's the one causing all the problems". when i have these thoughts, i get angry, frustrated, annoyed and react accordingly.
When i pause for a moment and examine my thoughts, i see them for what they are--made up. Most likely my child is tired, hungry, scared, frustrated, needs to connect, or just needs to release emotions. Children will actually set up frustrating situations in order to let themselves release pent up emotions. they need to cry and rage. its normal. When i then shift the thoughts to things like "what does she need right now?" "what's it like for her--really [really get in their world, total empathy]" or "she is really needing a calm adult to connect with right now' i feel so centered and like i can handle anything. the thoughts are empowering.
so next time just notice the thoughts--are they like "she's manipulative" "she's such a tyrant" "i have no control/power here!" and just notice what the thoughts are having you feel like. What if you shift them to something like "she has needs that are unmet" and notice what kinds of feelings and actions are produced.

This one is also really good for the raging/tantruming/out of control child who is in the middle of a meltdown and releasing emotions CALM:
C rying is healthy/normal
A dd understanding (empathy)
L ook in their eyes
M ove close

this helps remind me to be centered when my children are flipping out. i dont need to stop them from screaming, raging, tantruming. i can remain close and available and i'm sending the message that 'its ok. i'm here'


----------



## rockportmama (Jun 24, 2008)

Hey Mamas!

I had been doing SO well with the anger thing. I was even Zen the whole 3 weeks my mother was here.









And then it... fell apart somehow. Probably after mom left everything she said finally sank in.









So to lecture myself, these are some things that helped me find that happy place. 'Cuz if I found it once, I can find it again. Right?

1) My body does not process sugar well. 3 days after building up too much sugar I yell. A lot. I just plain lose my edit button. So less sugar for me.

2) Focus on the things I'm grateful for. Both in general and in relationships. Actively search out those things that make each of my children fascinating.

3) When dealing with things I'm not grateful for, focus on solutions, not problems.

4) When dealing with things I cannot change, focus on things I'm grateful for. Only spend my time, energy, skills, focus, etc on things I can actually change.

5) Try to keep in mind that I'm not the only person in my life with an agenda. For that matter, we don't *have* to go with my agenda every. single. time. or. else.







Turns out, my husband has his own agenda. And so do each of my kids. So I'm *trying* to remember to leave space in my life for the agendas of my family. Sometimes we do what I need done right now because I said so (back off -- the oven is hot), and sometimes we can do what they want (to jump backwards) and what I want (dirty clothes in laundry) at the same time. And sometimes I wait my turn.







Because for me, thinking people should obey me is an anger trigger. Big time.

6) Be gentle with myself. I learn. I grow. I change. Everyday. So do my kids. (Verdict's still out on hubby!







) So it's OK to focus on my growth instead of my (all too frequent) failures. Same for my kids. And Hubby.









Well, thanks for letting me ramble. It really was really, really peaceful in my head when I was holding on to the idea that everyone else is gonna do what they're gonna do. I can choose how I respond to what they do. I can even choose to respond in a calm way that might help them make better choices next time. But I can't choose for them and force my choices on them. I only choose for me.

Sorry. More rambling. Thanks and







,
-rockport-


----------



## possum (Nov 23, 2004)

I recently got a trick from my friend's blog. She suggested asking for a hug when things were getting heated.

It works so well! My almost 3 year old has been in a food and drink messing stage lately, and I tried it out the first time just after he dumped a cup of milk all over the counter on purpose. I gritted my teeth and said, "You know, Mommy really needs a hug."
I did need a hug. And he need a hug too.
And the milk got cleaned up. And we went on with the rest of our day. And I think it was better because instead of yelling what an infuriating thing that was to do, I was able to get us both reconnected. We both got hugs, and then we could clean up the milk together without there being lots of ill feelings between us.
Reconnecting is really powerful!
Melinda


----------



## BarefootScientist (Jul 24, 2007)

I am subscribing to this thread...I really needed to read it right now.

Those of you who have been pouring out your hearts on this thread...you are NOT, I repeat NOT alone. I am right there with you too.









I was at my wit's end last night. DS has been really pushing my buttons and I have not been handling it well. I have been spanking in anger and that is NOT part of my parenting plan. I have been yelling and screaming and not only is that completely ineffective and again, not part of my parenting plan, but it seems to make things worse, both between me and DS and just with my attitude in general. Ugh.

So many posts in this thread have given me much needed encouragement and helped me put things in perspective a little. I love the hug suggestion that was just posted - that is the one I will be focusing on for the rest of the day. And many of the other suggestions too...let's keep this thread going, because I need the support!









I'm also trying to remember the whole "I'm LETTING him push my buttons" thing, and to own my emotions, and to express anger in an appropriate way (I broke something the other day, not cool). I might try the counting thing. And each time I handle something less than ideally I try to assess where I went wrong and how I can catch myself next time before it escalates.

I didn't inherit my bad temper, my mom and dad were almost always cool as a cucumber...so I have no excuse.









By the time my kid(s) are all grown up I will be a much better person. Learn, change, grow, be refined. I'm going to try to keep that in mind too...a secondary goal of parenting, to become a better person.


----------



## hildare (Jul 6, 2009)

Thank you for this thread. I'm a first time mom, my dd's only 4 months old, but my background is very similar; my da had anger, lots of anger (and _his_ da was an abusive alcoholic). I have a very. bad. temper.
I'm so glad to find some suggestions to think about.
I know I have the opportunity with my child/future children to stop that cycle. I've already experienced temper overload with my little sweet baby when she was screaming her head off. This thread helps.


----------



## lnitti (Jun 14, 2004)

X


----------



## jewelsJZ (Jan 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lnitti* 
I also have the similar background with the angry father. I did not feel scared with my father, I felt angry back. Belt me? fine it doesn't hurt. Punch me? Ok I'll punch you back. A teenage girl in fist fights with her father.


Thank you for clarifying this for me. My own response as a child was to be scared but I have a child now who just gets angry if I speak or yell angrily







at him. It seems like defiance but then again, it's just him. He's always been this way. So maybe he just reacts with anger instead of fear. Not that I want him to fear me, I'm just saying that was my reaction if my mother even slightly raised her voice.

Quote:

3. dd1 hitting or otherwise hurting dd2 (2). She does it ALL the time. The mama bear comes out in me in defense of dd2.
Yup, I say this all the time. My mama bear is quick to come out and she has a mean, mean temper. Meaner than the rest of me.







I have to really try very hard not to scream at one kid who is going after another and remember that they are all my kids. My ds1 as a toddler would run up when I was nursing newborn dd and smack her in the head as hard as he could. Talk about your mama bear.

Quote:

Do I really just pick up dd2 from whatever she was doing, thus an unexpected interruption that she is probably not happy about and lock us in a room? Do I really need to hide from my child to be safe? That doesn't seem right to me.
I had to do this several times when my ds1 would rage as a toddler and young preschooler. He would go after me or my dd so I would either go into my bedroom and shut/lock the door or into the laundry room which had a baby gate across it that he could not open. I just busied dd with something fun in that room, helping me put clothes in the washer or looking at books in my bedroom. But she was pretty young. I don't know if you said how old your kids are. If the younger one is preschool age or above, I would just explain to her that you need to go to a safe place until sister calms down.

I only had to do this a few times with my son, he didn't like it at all and soon his behavior got much better. I would tell him, "I will not stay in a room with you if you are hurting me or your sister." It's a big trigger for me too. I hear ya. It wasn't something I wanted to do but it was better than screaming at him or dragging him up to his room, which is what I felt like doing.


----------



## ema-adama (Dec 3, 2007)

I really need this thread too.

I have started yelling. Although mostly at the pets. But DS sees me loosing my temper and really yelling at the pets. This is usually when I am trying to get DS to sleep and they start meowing (cat) or whining (dog) which gets DS up and standing in bed ready to play with them. As in he is lying quietly with eyes closed and suddenly up and jumping on the bed. This seriously pushes my buttons.

I have lost my temper and slammed a door while shouting my frustration. He did get an awful fright. Since that episode I have forced myself grit my teeth if necessary, call my husband, detach myself emotionally from the moment, turn over so that I am not facing DS and I can just gather myself. Or just give up on going to sleep.

I really like the idea of behaving as if someone is watching.

It also made me realise that this is such a HUGE topic. I don't think anyone on this thread endorses shouting and violence as appropriate communication, and yet we all struggle with this. I have thought a lot about how we are raising children today, often under enormous pressure either as a parent at home alone with kid/s or a parent rushing through their day combing parenting and work commitments outside of the family. Both have different stressors.

It helps me to realise that my loosing my temper does not happen in a vacuum. Not to excuse it, as I really would prefer not to loose my temper, for my own mental health, as well as my child's. However, there really is only so much a person can do on their own. I know that I live half the world away from my family, with hostile IL's and no real support system to speak of, beyond my husband. I am mourning my mothers death, I am trying to figure out how to be the best person and parent that I can be, how to nourish and nurture our home life. It's hardly surprising that on most days I loose my temper when the dog whines.

I know how guilty I felt when I slammed the door (so hard the door handle broke and I had to crawl back into our bedroom through the window to get to DS). I felt like the worst mother/person in the world. And I was mortified. And yet I forced myself to blog about it and not be scared of people judging me for having done that. People get angry. It is a part of life, although it does not fit into Natural Family Living quite as neatly as cosleeping or breastfeeding on demand.

When I remember Naomi Aldorts' SALVE works for me. Sometimes it all just happens too quickly and I forget to stop.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just reread my post and I completely forgot that I shouted at my son a second time when he wouldn't go to sleep. I feel awful again. That was a bad bad day.


----------



## Theia (Oct 30, 2007)

Thank you for this thread and all of these great suggestions. I need them too. In the moment is the hardest time for me too.

Megan -


----------



## Wolfcat (Jan 10, 2006)

There was an article on Yahoo a few weeks ago about this. A few of the things they touched on really made me reassess some of the assumptions I'd been making about my temper. And so you know, I am a slow to anger, but suddenly violent temper kind of person.

1) "Temper is genetic/hereditary" - they mentioned that this and the "redhead" concept are perceptions only. There is no proof that temper is something you just have... which means it is learned. This information brought up two thoughts for me: a) the genetic thing is really just a justification/excuse, that serves to minimize the amount of control/responsibility I have to take for my behavior







; and b) temper is more of a habit then a characteristic... and habits can be unlearned. So, after my initial guilt about the first, I realized the second meant I had the power to change. I am currently instituting a plan for breaking the "temper habit".

2) "Count to 10" - as many previous posters mentioned, this just plain don't work for a lot of people. Also, as many have brought up, it is better to throw in a diffuser... and humor is fabulous for that. One thing suggested was to have a funny phrase that you pull out just for these situations. One I really liked was saying something like, "this is a doo-doo situation".







The same thing using cuss words would perpetuate the emotions, but throwing in a child-like substitute can be so ludicrous that it makes you smile/giggle.
I actually have used this when I saw a friend of mine getting in a temper. Told him that the person he was mad at was a doody-head. You can't stay mad when an intelligent adult says something like that.









3) "Release your temper in an appropriate manner" - again, something that pp's have touched on. It just perpetuates the situation. Instead, find a way to step away from the anger. Something that I've noticed works for me is to take out the trash or empty the dishwasher. During that time, if I think of the situation, I make myself look at how it's MY fault... what I could have done differently, etc. By the time I get back to the situation, I am more willing to see the other person's perspective, and even how to prevent future occurrences.









I really wish I could have found the specific article, but it has disappeared into the inter-ether. I hope my ramblings can help someone with their own temper.


----------



## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Singing is helpful to me when my older DD is continuing to whine/moan/wail about something that has been explained and is not going to change.

Also, picking up a book or magazine for just a few minutes can snap me out of it. As can stepping outside, just for a moment.

Sometimes I call a trusted friend.


----------



## kreeeesta (Jul 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wolfcat* 
There was an article on Yahoo a few weeks ago about this. A few of the things they touched on really made me reassess some of the assumptions I'd been making about my temper. And so you know, I am a slow to anger, but suddenly violent temper kind of person.

1) "Temper is genetic/hereditary" - they mentioned that this and the "redhead" concept are perceptions only. There is no proof that temper is something you just have... which means it is learned. This information brought up two thoughts for me: a) the genetic thing is really just a justification/excuse, that serves to minimize the amount of control/responsibility I have to take for my behavior







; and b) temper is more of a habit then a characteristic... and habits can be unlearned. So, after my initial guilt about the first, I realized the second meant I had the power to change. I am currently instituting a plan for breaking the "temper habit".

2) "Count to 10" - as many previous posters mentioned, this just plain don't work for a lot of people. Also, as many have brought up, it is better to throw in a diffuser... and humor is fabulous for that. One thing suggested was to have a funny phrase that you pull out just for these situations. One I really liked was saying something like, "this is a doo-doo situation".







The same thing using cuss words would perpetuate the emotions, but throwing in a child-like substitute can be so ludicrous that it makes you smile/giggle.
I actually have used this when I saw a friend of mine getting in a temper. Told him that the person he was mad at was a doody-head. You can't stay mad when an intelligent adult says something like that.









3) "Release your temper in an appropriate manner" - again, something that pp's have touched on. It just perpetuates the situation. Instead, find a way to step away from the anger. Something that I've noticed works for me is to take out the trash or empty the dishwasher. During that time, if I think of the situation, I make myself look at how it's MY fault... what I could have done differently, etc. By the time I get back to the situation, I am more willing to see the other person's perspective, and even how to prevent future occurrences.










I really wish I could have found the specific article, but it has disappeared into the inter-ether. I hope my ramblings can help someone with their own temper.









Thanks for sharing your musings, and the article they were inspired by...
I especially like the saying a funny/child-like phrase thing. I can see that working for me! Will be trying that one next time...


----------



## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

Thank you for all your helpful posts. Now it is time I stop reading this thread when I am calm ... I will print out some of these posts and stick them under my nose next time I'm about to "lose it". Thank you for all this brilliance you're sharing.


----------



## Anandamama (Aug 29, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amber Lion* 
*Does anyone have any specific tips for dealing with rage during bedtime/night wakings?* My DD is still so young and for some reason I'm pretty much able to keep it together and be gentle during the day (I see her behavior as age appropriate and can deal), but once bedtime hits I just can't deal with her fighting sleep and waking up so often. It's not like I can walk away from the bed in the middle of the night to take 10 deep breaths, and being partially asleep and desperate for sleep makes everything seem worse.

No quick fixes here but just a "been there done that". Night waking has been a big trigger and led to my worst behavior w/ DD. It's not a problem now but when she was 1.5-2.5 it was a big one. Thank goodness for my very patient partner who could calm her at night (most of the time). For a long time she only wanted me but finally seemed to get it that Papa was much better to be with at night.
I have many tools to use in difficult situations including NVC (non-violent communication), Aldort's SALVE techniques, calming meditations, etc. But in the middle of the night all these seemingly fly out the window.
My other big trigger is when I'm caring for a group of children (I work w/ kids) and my own is being aggressive with the other children. My reaction to her is NOTHING like how I react to the other kids when they do the same things. My anger is quick and ferocious to try to stop her from being rough with them. And then I'm filled with remorse and feel like I don't even deserve to be her parent. Neither the anger or the remorse does her any good.
I am someone who is usually very calm and measured and I know other parents think I must always be that way. I wonder if there are *any* parents who don't occasionally yell like lunatics at their kids and handle them a bit roughly. I'm sure there must be a few.









It's sad that I am able to treat other's children so much more gently than my own. My expectations of her seem to be so much higher and I guess my own ego is too bound up in her behavior.


----------



## umsami (Dec 1, 2003)

Two things that I read on MDC long ago that I still use....

1) I remind myself that whomever I'm mad at, is only a child... so, for example DS1, "He's only a little 6 year old boy."
2) I ask myself, "What would a good Mom do?"









Somehow, those two things seem to help. Not all the time... but a lot.









Just remembered one more thing..

Another thing one person told me is to pretend that my child is a stranger. You would never (well, probably never) hit or yell at a stranger's kid. You'd somehow deal with it... leave... do something. So if nothing else helps, pretend that it's not your kid.

Oh, and recently I've been doing Bodhipaksa's 3 minute breathing meditation. I downloaded it on his site for maybe $4.00 (others too).... and I just go into my room, turn it on, and calm down. Sometimes I tell the kids (especially if they're fighting) to separate...one in one area, one in the other... until I come back. Other times, I just let the chaos continue while I leave.


----------



## my_baby_love (Jan 15, 2006)

Soooo nice to have a thread like this. I had actually stopped coming to MDC for a while because I felt like I just couldn't be the "perfect" mother everyone else here seemed to be. I don't have any suggestions (today at least, it's been a rough couple weeks), but I have gathered many good ideas. So thanks, mamas, for letting some of the darker parts of parenting be known here. I think we all need it.


----------



## kai28 (Sep 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ema-adama* 
I really need this thread too.

I have started yelling. Although mostly at the pets. But DS sees me loosing my temper and really yelling at the pets. This is usually when I am trying to get DS to sleep and they start meowing (cat) or whining (dog) which gets DS up and standing in bed ready to play with them. As in he is lying quietly with eyes closed and suddenly up and jumping on the bed. This seriously pushes my buttons.

yup. the dog comes in, shakes her head, startles drowsy DS. The cat meows, ds gets all excited. What i've been doing about it: locking the pets out of the room while I'm settling ds into bed. It's far easier than getting mad.

When ds has trouble falling asleep, I often notice I was tense to begin with. Ds is 10 mos. If i nurse him before bed & do a meditative breathing exercise at the same time, he's passed out within 5 minutes usually. I used to get so mad about not falling asleep like a 'normal' baby (heh...yea...). I would tense up in advance of bedtime. So I'd be all buzzing with tenseness by bedtime, which led to ds not being able to relax - and who can blame him? What has also helped us is dh takes ds after bath to read/play/feed the pets while I get our room ready for bed, clean up from bath, do whatever needs to be done upstairs. Then I've had a fresh break right before bed, so I have a better chance at being calm.

Only a bed time solution... Or is it? If bed time goes smoothly, then we all get better rest and the next day is much more likely to go smoothly.

----

One trigger for me: not drinking enough water during the day. I get cranky. I start cravings sweets. What I really need is to not be dehydrated.

Also, both ds & I have to be outside some portion of the day. Nature recharges both of us it seems. Spring can't get here fast enough.


----------



## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

I am realizing that I absolutely HAVE TO take the kids and get out, and away from my mom who we live with, for some portion of the day. And get out myself sometimes.

We joined the Y and it is PHENOMENAL at reducing the amount of 'moments' we are having. It gives us *all* exercise, the kids *love* the childspace (I don't take the baby, he would not happily stay there without me) and we happily reconnect and I hear about what they did.









I am about to try some creative ideas for when DD is at her hardest--she dropped her nap but still NEEDS It some days.







I'll let you know what actually helps. (Me trying to put her in a time-out only escalates the situation. Spanking is obviously not an option. I don't really have privileges to take away as punishment. So *something* else has got to work--maybe a whole paradigm shift...we shall see. Watch for a post.)


----------



## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)




----------



## Teenytoona (Jun 13, 2005)

Oh what a great thread! I echo the others here who say they often feel out of place at MDC because there is little gentleness in those moments. I can sometimes be a complete tyrant - going on and on about something to the point where afterwards I wonder "if verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse like some will say, it probably would have been better if I'd hit them." Now, of course I know neither is right, (and truth be told, as a child of physical abuse it never came without the other so I can't say which is worse either), but in those moments, you'd think there was nothing more important in the history of the world than me getting those kids to do just as I said. Geez. I hate that I'm here and hate that we all have to be here, but I'm glad to know we can recognize it and work on it. Yeah counting to 10 or 1 billion wouldn't make a difference for me. No way, no how.

I know I yell more and louder because I feel this physical need to do something and in order to not do something (like break, smash or hit someone) I get louder to overrule that side. Well someone here suggested they do pushups to get that urge out and I think I'm going to try that. I need the physical thrust, and truly I am really bad at pushups, so I will try this.

I also like the idea of suddenly whispering. That stirs things up a bit, I"m sure. I bet it would work with the girls.

One thing I used to do with my oldest DSD and now am realizing I need to do with DSS is shift it into humor. Like take whatever it is that they're saying/doing that's ticking me off so much and flip it on it's ear and laugh my way out of it. That was golden with the oldest. Worked. every. time. And we had some really rough times. I need to remember it with DSS, he's 10 now and starting into that territory of just doing enough to sort of but not, but really actually cross a line, but then responding with the mock-innocent "what did I say/do" because he didn't exactly say/do anything, but was there on the threshold or did just enough to do such a thing without doing it. Nothing ticks me off more than that, and I react to that stuff the most strongly. So I have to remember to flip on it's ear. Seriously, if I could do a headstand to remind myself, I would.

Thank you mommas for this thread. And keep the ideas coming.


----------



## paysarah (Oct 23, 2008)

Great thread, just adding another great book to the growing list:

_Dance of Anger_ by Harriet Lerner

Gotta reread it myself, but her point is the anger isn't _bad_, but most of the ways we have been taught as women to deal with that anger is not helpful or productive.


----------



## dexlor (Jan 28, 2008)

This was me last Tuesday. That is the night that DH works late so it is all up to me to put our 23 month old DD to bed. I'm so fortunate to have a supportive and great dad in my DH and to have a typically sweet tempered LO. But I've had this cold/cough since December and hate my job and am worried daily about our finances. So, keeping that in mind, I try to remain calm when I'm seething inside. DD last week started waking up as soon as we put her in her crib after nursing at night. 8pm bedtime is now about 10pm. 8pm is my time, our time to do whatever. So, I could feel my tension building even as I went to lay her down 'cause I knew she wouldn't stay down. I immediately used my very firm voice and ended up yelling and walking out twice as she crawled out of her crib, screaming for mommy. I finally roughly picked her up and brought her downstairs. I told her "if you wont' sleep, then I won't hold you and you have to just sit there and not play". And she did. And that broke my heart. She never just sits there. I was thinking that I scared her or confused her to the point of immobility. I sat there and calmed down and picked her up and said I was so sorry for yelling at her and being rough. She said sorry mommy, sorry mommy. I told her she had nothing to be sorry for and that just because she wants to be with me and not alone is no reason for her to be sorry. I asked her if she was scared when I yelled. She said "yes". From the start I should have just taken her downstairs with me till I finished what I needed to and then brought her to bed with me till she fell asleep. Which is what we have had to do this past week until we can transfer her to her crib. But in the moment of rage? It feels good to get it out. I hate that it feels good. Right after it sure doesn't.

I think visualizing how she and I will feel, think and react is key to staying calm. I didn't do this that night. I am glad that I was able to hug her and apologize and ask how she felt. My mother yelled a lot and terrified me sometimes. She never never apologized. She never asked how I felt. Even if my DD doesn't quite get what I'm saying. I think she understands the tone and my facial expression, so I know something is sinking in. We may do some damage but we need to see our responsibility in it and own up to it. Most of what our children do is for a very good reason...to them...or it's no reason at all...but I can't believe that they know they are pushing our buttons or testing or manipulating. I know once I start down that road, then I will yell and not apologize. I just can't afford to do that and neither can my daughter. Also, we just need to talk to other mothers, gently and honestly and forgive ourselves and remember those moments when we were the mother we always wanted to be.


----------



## ema-adama (Dec 3, 2007)

I don't know if this book has been mentioned in this thread. I bought it when DS was a newborn, and refound it. Buddhism for Mothers

I am not a Buddhist, however, I like the chapter on anger.

I have been continuing to get angry, although it is not as bad as it was. But I still feel like a failure each and every time, and wish I could honestly say that I have my anger under control.

So, in this book, the author discusses the Buddha's teaching on dealing with disturbing thoughts (which precede the disturbing behaviour). Once you have identified the disturbing thoughts, there are 5 options he gives.

*Dwell on the positive* - consider the positives about the person/situation with whom you are angry

*Consider the results of our thoughts* - what it will look like after you have 'given in' to your anger (the shame remorse etc)

*Distract ourselves* - plan something in your head (holiday, meal, outing), read a book/magazine/exercise/whatever works for you

*Consider the alternatives* - Is there another way to see the situation? Use humour? Why does this specifically make me so angry?

*Use our willpower* - this is the one I try to rely on the most, and I can't. It doesn't work for me, especially if I am LIVID.

This is a rather cognitive approach to managing anger, and I know there are people who love cognitive psychology. I am not the hugest fan, but reading this, I at least felt I had some tools for 'in the moment'. I think I am going to write up the bolded part to put on my fridge to remind me when I start loosing my cool that there are other options.


----------



## Freedom~Mama (Apr 6, 2008)

Subbing.

This is just the thread I need right now. Lately I have had a few times of totally losing my cool with my DC and I have felt awful about it.


----------



## rockportmama (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ema-adama* 
Buddhism for Mothers

So, in this book, the author discusses the Buddha's teaching on dealing with disturbing thoughts (which precede the disturbing behaviour). Once you have identified the disturbing thoughts, there are 5 options he gives.

*Dwell on the positive* - consider the positives about the person/situation with whom you are angry

*Consider the results of our thoughts* - what it will look like after you have 'given in' to your anger (the shame remorse etc)

*Distract ourselves* - plan something in your head (holiday, meal, outing), read a book/magazine/exercise/whatever works for you

*Consider the alternatives* - Is there another way to see the situation? Use humour? Why does this specifically make me so angry?

*Use our willpower* - this is the one I try to rely on the most, and I can't. It doesn't work for me, especially if I am LIVID.


Beautiful! Thanks for sharing!

My big anger trigger lately has been DH yelling at the kids. He yells at them, and then I yell at him.







*Sigh*

I think as a society we're not allowed healthy expressions of emotion. And worse, we're taught that some emotions are bad. Anger itself is not bad. The behaviors we choose to use to express it may be bad (hitting, etc). Maybe if we could find healthy/harmless ways to express our anger it wouldn't bottle up? I don't know what that would even look like -- and it'd probably be different for everyone. Painting? Dance? Primal screams? I don't know.









Something I read by Eckhart Tolle yesterday got me thinking -- haven't tried this yet, but what if instead of saying "I am Angry" we said "I have anger"? Maybe once we identify with the anger and claim it as part of our identity it's harder to part with? Maybe if we can observe it inside us and watch it get spent harmlessly (somehow?) it would be easier to release? Tolle says we are not our thoughts and emotions. We are the awareness of our thoughts and emotions.

Still not sure what to do when Hubby yells at the kids. I know that me yelling at him just reinforces that it's OK to yell.














*sigh*


----------



## Picard (May 10, 2009)

I too am coping with anger. It comes and goes. Here's how I try to deal with it:

- Reflect on where my anger comes from. This, for me, is trying not to repeat how my mother dealt with us. She seemed a very angry, fragile kind of woman who was like a powder keg about to go off. She rarely did, but I learned how to tiptoe around her. I do not want to repeat this. Reflecting on anger issues is an ongoing journey.

- Learning how to express my anger in an appropriate way.

- Yoga practice.

- Louise Hay kind of stuff: there is an infinite well of patience and love within me, which I can tap into at all times.

- Always going back to the 'now' and realizing that I have a choice: be angry or be loving. New age kind of knowledge that you cannot hold two vibrations at the same time and that what you emit, will return to you manifold.

- Deflection: right away doing something different. Again, this has to do a lot with learning to be in the now and learning that I have agency over my emotions. (As in, I am not my emotions).

- Relativising: is this really something that I want to get angry over.

- Modeling: do I want to model anger? The answer is NO.

- Picturing my child as a tiny baby, sweet, cuddly, all love.

- Forgive myself for getting angry, and ask for forgiveness (or explain why I got angry).

Anger can stay with me for a long, long time, and it is a learning journey not to choose anger and its consequences. It's hard, but I work on it lots because it is so important.

I was sad and shocked, the first time my child seemed scared of me. It really gave me a reality check. Geez, that is not how I want our relationship to be.


----------



## jp79 (Aug 5, 2006)

This is a wonderful thread! Thanks to OP for posting and all of the helpful replies!


----------



## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

One thing that has helped me recently is equating my anger to my daughter's tantrums. When she throws tantrums, I want her to learn how to express her emotions in a better way. So lately, when I start to seethe and get on edge, I will actually say

"Uh oh! Mommy's starting to get really angry. I really need cooperation or a minute alone."

And it really helps me. Sometimes she does cooperate. Sometimes I just walk away and come back minutely refreshed.

I'm allowed to be angry too! But just like DD--it's not ok to be verbally abusive, or use angry hands, or slam doors...talk about it, take a walk, take a minute all those things help me get a grip.


----------



## kayleesmom (Dec 16, 2004)

subbing to this


----------



## jaam (Sep 29, 2004)

subbing also. I so need this right now.


----------



## Chloe'sMama (Oct 14, 2008)

THanks for this thread. I have lost it and actually spanked DD1 several times and I just am so angry at myself. I found lots of great ideas on how to distract her and myself.

Thank you


----------



## mommy212 (Mar 2, 2010)

subbing- another short temper mommy


----------



## abiyhayil (Feb 8, 2008)

the kids saw this on facebook one day and thought it was hilarious







Every so often I sing this except 'spank somebody's butt' and we crack up and the moment is over


----------

