# My 16 yr old niece is having sex



## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

I am so upset. There is a loooong story behind all this, which i will try to condense shortly. But, i know many of you think it's terribly passe or whatever to expect that a teenager would not have sex, or even "GASP" wait til marriage. However, for primarily spiritual and moral reasons, i had so hoped for that for her, even expected that she would wait given her own mother's history of sexual promiscuity (spurred on by tremendous abuse, in her defense).

My sister is currently knocked up and living with a guy that she left her whole family of four kids and husband for. VERY condensed version right there. I guess i should not be surprised or upset, but i am, so very much. The pain i am feeling right now is indescribable. If that girl gets pregnant... I just don't know what to think. She's so terribly brilliant and wodnerful; i would be agonized if she cut short her future by getting pg.


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## Nikki Christina (Mar 27, 2003)

can someone get her on birthcontrol??


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## Ravin (Mar 19, 2002)

I suggest you sit down and have a frank talk with her about what she's doing, how she feels about it emotionally, the possible ramifications w/ regard to disease and pregnancy, birth control (if she's going to be sexually active, then she should be educated and encouraged to do so as responsibly as possible) and safer sex (imnsho, no one has business fornicating w/out a condom unless they are trying to get pregnant, and then it's dubious).

If you approach it in a nonjudgmental way--and I realize that may take setting aside your own personal beliefs on the issue--you might just get through to her.

At the very least, make sure she has access to, and knows how to use, condoms, and that she's using them. (Again, it may go against the grain for you for spiritual/moral reasons, but which is more important, that she live her life her way, or that she be able to take responsibility for her own decisions in an informed way?)

16 years old is not a "kid". She's obviously finding herself in situations where she's having to make adult decisions. The best caring adult-adults around her can do is empower her to make those decisions from an informed, understanding basis rather than in ignorance.


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

What everybody else said.

And, I'll add - I started having sex at 16, too. Didn't get pregnant for the first time till I was 42. If she really is smart - talk to her, help her and then trust her.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

She might be having sex to fill the void that her mother has left in her life. Maybe you can start "mothering" her some more and try to be a mentor to her.

I know for me when I was that young I was never sat down and explained the emotional aspects of sex. I understood BC and when I did have sex I used it all the time. And I understood about STDs (well sort of I thought that if you only had a few partners that your chances of getting it were slim, not true!).
I wish someone would have told me how sex will complicate your relationship especially immature relationships like those had by children.


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

I forgot to add that while i of course don't want her having sex i am ALL for her being on birth control, and so is her mother. Her stupid father has his head so far up his ass that he won't even discuss the issue with her mother (he is punishing her by not communicating with her about the kids or discussing their care with her), and simply told her she'd have to pay for it herself. Asshole. Anyway







, i told my sister to high tail that girl to the doctor and get her a shot of Depo Provera, and also get fitted for a diaphragm (so she doesn't have to be buying condoms all the time). The health department might even do the whole thing for free, plus give her a sack of condoms to take home, too. To give my niece a smidge of credit, she is not sleeping around, and is at least making love with a very good kid that she has been dating for a year. This still does not make it right, but at least she is in a caring relationship and not being abused by skeeves like my sister was. the whole situation from start to finish is just tragic.

And, i cannot talk to my niece about it, though i would love to, as my sister did not want to tell me it in the first place, and fears that my discussing it with her (niece) might damage my relationship with her. Primarily that she told her mother in confidence, and would have insult added to injury (many she percieves to have sustained by her mother) that my sis talked about it with me. I'm thinkin' howeva, that i might just call up Katie for a casual chat just to see how she's doing, and see if i can't make it 'come up'







. Thanks all for your support! I can use all i can get right now.


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

Quote:

and also get fitted for a diaphragm (so she doesn't have to be buying condoms all the time).
Ummm... somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't she need to use condoms EVERY TIME regardless of whether it's a diaphragm or the pill? Isn't AIDS transmission possible otherwise?


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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)

Diaphragms have a 15% failure rate. She should absolutely use a condom every time.


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

So no diaphragm then







. I was thinking of that based on the fact that she is only sleeping with one boy (call me naive and stupid if you wish







). However, condoms would probably be a better choice. Hell, I will personally purchase them and deliver them to her if necessary.


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## DreamerMama (Feb 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bippity*
Ummm... somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't she need to use condoms EVERY TIME regardless of whether it's a diaphragm or the pill? Isn't AIDS transmission possible otherwise?











Please, buy her a very large box of condoms. Take her directly to get birth control.

How much is her own father seeing her? If he isn't seeing her enough, find her a male rolemodel...quick.

I started having sex at the age of 14. No one did any of the above for me, I ended up pregnant at 16 and again at the age of 18.

Pm if you need to, I have a lot more to say about it.

Hurry. Don't walk, run.


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## Raven67 (Apr 20, 2002)

but, having sex at 16 is not always pathological or a tragedy, or whatever. I started when I was 17, always used protection, and was never coerced into it. Human beings have a right to their own sex lives. There's got to be a first time for everyone. Maybe she cares about her boyfriend, or is just attracted to him. Sex for teens isn't always about something wrong at home. It's biology. Maybe she is making the decisions she feels are right for her. Some 16-year-olds are very mature and deliberate in making the decision to have sex, I know I was, and I don't regret it. I'm sorry you're so upset, but there might not be anything to be upset about. (And, yes, I really hope I maintain such a rational view when my own little girl is 16!)


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## anythingelse (Nov 26, 2001)

when I was 16 I would have been super pissed off to find my mom and my aunt discussing and passing judgements on my sex life -- espcially if I had been dating one person for a year. IMHO whether or not and who with she has sex is HER choice is does not matter - your 2 cents will not matter if when you talk to her in the future you come off this judgmental so I would NOT bring it up & back off

your sis was dead wrong to share her dd secrets and if teen wanted to talk to you about it she would have tt you before

a condom will protect her from STDS a lot more then a diaprgm and depo is not great for teens

I have a teen ds and can't fathom telling my family who with and how often he has sex
BTW she can prob buy her own condoms or her bf can LOL, how would you know if they like ribbed or warming lubed







or if you buy size extra lagre and he is a small guy


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

Be very careful about hammering the teenage pregnancy as the end of her life thing.


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## Greaseball (Feb 1, 2002)

So she was seeing the guy for a year before they had sex? If that's true, he sounds like a great guy (assuming he hasn't been cheating on her). How many guys do we know who would just dump a girl for not having sex after "dating" for only a few weeks?

I'd caution against Depo. It's nasty stuff. I'd hope they were already using condoms.

Not all teens who have sex do it because they were abused or feeling unloved or are otherwise missing something. Some of them genuinely want to be sexual. I'd just want to make sure it was completely consensual and not something she was doing because of pressure or feeling like she "should."


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

Raven - I appreciate your honesty and your perspective. I must respectfully disagree with most of your positions, however. I do not believe that a minor child, with no true understanding of the long reaching ramifications of sexual activity, has a 'right' to a sex life. And i don't buy into the biology argument for one second. I did have sex with my husband before we were married, but we were not children; we are the other's only partner and are delighted to have it that way.

She lives with her father, actually. He is just dropping the ball. She is using condoms, just needs to be on a permanent form of bc that will not be forgotten in the heat of the moment. I am in an extremely difficult position - that of wanting badly to communicate with my much loved niece about this, and also not wanting to betray her and my sister's trust. I will try to get her to open up about it in conversation, and will continue to encourage my sister to go against BIL's stupidity and get bc at the local clinic. I get the feeling taht you all are judging me and findign me lacking.


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Breathless Wonder*
Be very careful about hammering the teenage pregnancy as the end of her life thing.

And please give me a tiny bit of credit for tact and diplomacy. I don't intend to 'hammer' anything. I will encourage her to remember the belief system that has given her so much, as she makes her choices, and to not turn her back on it, however.

And, again, i will never think it's okay for a teenager to be having a 'sex life'.


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## DreamerMama (Feb 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Breathless Wonder*
Be very careful about hammering the teenage pregnancy as the end of her life thing.


I'm sorry, but it was the end of my life. My teenage life, that is. When my children are that age, I will tell them it IS the end of your teenage life.


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## anythingelse (Nov 26, 2001)

sorry you feel that way, we will have to agree to disagree







I feel everyone has a right to their own sexual nature and feelings and that there is no age that becomes right or wrong to be sexually active.

I am not judging your beliefs, you have a right to your feelings based on your experiences, but this teen may not have those same beliefs and your posts definately judge her behavior as wrong & if you are close to her she is likely to sense that no matter how softly you word it and not only your relationship with her will be changed but her parental one as well..
IME sexually active teens can become defensive & angry when confronted by a moral code they do not hold.


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

OK, I agree. When I was 19 my Mom figured out we were having sex (she had no clue it was by then 3 years old news). She kept me up till 4 AM until I finally after much coersion I had to agree to tell her every time we had sex. I already knew we could hide it well - just had to be more careful. So after much disagreement and no energy left, I caved and said OK. We never talked about sex again until I was 30 & divorced this guy. I learned how to be a better liar and sneak around better. We started dating at 15, sex at 16, married at 22, divorced at 28. THEN I grew up. I knew my Mother would disapprove - always knew it. But, it was and remains my life, my choice. Nobody elses. I AM smart - we used protection & it was in the 70's when protection wasn't "necessary".

If I love someone, I respect them and I trust them and I leave my judgments at the door. To me that's what love is all about. We live, we weigh our options, we make mistakes, we learn from them and we eventually grow into wise people. It almost always happens that way in my life and the people I know. Wisdom can't be imparted.

Added: But, I would still see if there's a way to talk to her in a nonjudgmental tone - but with concern and support. It's a tough spot to be in when you care for somebody & you're scared thery're on the verge of making a huge mistake.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

Quote:

I'm sorry, but it was the end of my life. My teenage life, that is. When my children are that age, I will tell them it IS the end of your teenage life.
Right.
And my DH's father told him if I got pregnant it would be the end of DH's ENTIRE life. He told my DH he would never finish college, be successful, never have a good job, or be able to do the things he dreamed of, etc.

And that's what I meant.


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## Greaseball (Feb 1, 2002)

My unplanned, unwed pregnancy was the best thing that ever happened to me. Of course, I was 22, but still...no money, no education, etc.

I don't see how a person has "no right" to a sex life at age 16, and then suddenly when they turn 18 they gain that right. I think sometimes parents and other adults don't know what's best for teens.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

um, from what you have said she has talked about this with her own mother. So, sounds like they have an open relationship. How many people does she need to discuss her sex like with? I can understand your concern about it, but she sounds pretty responsable. You've said she is really smart, she has been dating the guy for a year, she has told her mother she is having sex, I wouldn't assume that she isn't protecting herself.

I don't think there is anything you need to do about this.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

ITA with Arduinna.

You might not like the fact that she's having sex, but you don't get a vote in your niece's sex life. It might be against your morals for a teenager to have sex, but she's entitled to have her own morals, just as you are entitled to yours.


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna*
um, from what you have said she has talked about this with her own mother. So, sounds like they have an open relationship. How many people does she need to discuss her sex like with? I can understand your concern about it, but she sounds pretty responsable. You've said she is really smart, she has been dating the guy for a year, she has told her mother she is having sex, I wouldn't assume that she isn't protecting herself.

I don't think there is anything you need to do about this.


I agree. You don't want her to feel you are disapproving, even if you are. If she perceives you as judgemental you might push her away. If you really believe her parents are dropping the ball you need to make sure "things are cool" between the two of you so she has one more adult in her life to go to, for love and support. She already made the decision to become active. Now all that's left is for you to help with safety and BC options _if_ she asks you.


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## Greaseball (Feb 1, 2002)

I think people do have the right to a sex life, no matter how old they are, as long as they have a sincere desire and a consenting partner.


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

Ok, it is obvious i need to clarify some things. I don't like that she's having sex, but i know what it's like to love someone and want to share yourself with them. I want her to be safe. I want her to understand, without violating her confidences in her mother, that i am here to talk and to listen and to explain, just like my sister did for me. SOmetimes she hears me better than her parents, as we are pretty close in age. In no way am i going to beat her up with the Bible, or scare her (although the risks of disease and pg'cy are in no way inconsequential). Truly, i did not start this post to get jumped on, or to have everyone tell me to butt the hell out. I am not really wanting to butt IN, just want to be there for her. I mainly posted this to get it out of my head, and perhaps to get some support and compassion. This whole ordeal with my sister has been wretched and traumatizing for all of us, and no matter how harshly any of you judge me for this, i DO think that her acting out sexually, even with a person she cares about, reflects on the situation. I want the best for her, and i want her to have the kind of life she deserves. she is brilliant and talented and fantastic and deserves all things good. I suppose i should not have expected that many people here would really see where i was coming from.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

If you guys are that close then she will come to you to talk about it (if she wants to). She already has proven that she doesn't have a problem talking about it with her own mother.


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## mamaley (Mar 18, 2002)

about depo provera, please don't take this stuff lightly. i know women who have had great experiences with it, but it made me depressed, pass out many times, along with a lot of other things.


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chemigogo*
Truly, i did not start this post to get jumped on, or to have everyone tell me to butt the hell out. I am not really wanting to butt IN, just want to be there for her.

I think people aren't trying to jump your case just saying :since you care about her don't jepordize that relationship by isolating her from you. Be carefull not to let her feel your are being critical.

I mainly posted this to get it out of my head, and perhaps to get some support and compassion. This whole ordeal with my sister has been wretched and traumatizing for all of us, and no matter how harshly any of you judge me for this, i DO think that her acting out sexually, even with a person she cares about, reflects on the situation.

I am sorry you and your family are going through this. I think you are right that she may not need the closness of the relationship with the boyfriend if her parents were acting like grownups.

I want the best for her, and i want her to have the kind of life she deserves. she is brilliant and talented and fantastic and deserves all things good. I suppose i should not have expected that many people here would really see where i was coming from.

Wish you didn't feel like you weren't being supported. I, atleast, was just advising you to be careful to protect your relationship with your neice.


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

I also had to take zoloft until it was out of my body. It is time released and unlike BC pills you can't just stop taking them if they don't agree with you. The depo shot is notorious for causing mental health probs.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaley*
about depo provera, please don't take this stuff lightly. i know women who have had great experiences with it, but it made me depressed, pass out many times, along with a lot of other things.


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Greaseball*
I think people do have the right to a sex life, no matter how old they are, as long as they have a sincere desire and a consenting partner.


I doubt you meant it this way but, that is the excuse i've heard some pediphiles use. I don't agree. Children do not have a right to a sex life.


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

You all are probably right about the Depo. I was thinking of it mainly because it would be something she wouldn't have to think about, but i know there are other options. I do hope that the lines of communication between us will be open, though it is VERY hard to get to see her as she is on the go constantly, and is terrible at talking on the phone. I am very very glad that she has talked to her mother, and that is the most important thing.


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## Rainbow (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Greaseball*

I don't see how a person has "no right" to a sex life at age 16, and then suddenly when they turn 18 they gain that right. I think sometimes parents and other adults don't know what's best for teens.

They don't, the get that right when they sign a contract









ETA I mean zero disrespect to mama's who feel this way- I was just suggesting that for those with moral objections it had more to do with marriage/commitment than age alone.


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## Els' 3 Ones (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chemigogo*
You all are probably right about the Depo. I was thinking of it mainly because it would be something she wouldn't have to think about, but i know there are other options. I do hope that the lines of communication between us will be open, though it is VERY hard to get to see her as she is on the go constantly, and is terrible at talking on the phone. I am very very glad that she has talked to her mother, and that is the most important thing.

I was on the pill at 15 and very responsible with it. Never missed a day. Not that unreasonable to expect from a 16yo.


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## Greaseball (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fourgrtkidos*
I doubt you meant it this way but, that is the excuse i've heard some pediphiles use. I don't agree. Children do not have a right to a sex life.

I don't believe children have a sincere desire to have sex with adults.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaley*
about depo provera, please don't take this stuff lightly. i know women who have had great experiences with it, but it made me depressed, pass out many times, along with a lot of other things.

Yea, really brush up on the available birth control methods as well as STD prevention if you decide that it's appropriate to discuss this with her.

Depo has major side affects and a diaphragm will not prevent STDs. Planned Parenthood my help her with these things for a low cost depending on her situation.

I know lots of people have very strong feelings about when other people have sex...Oh, I think I'll just stay out of this one. I just wanted to say that it's *possible* that a 16 year old is "ready", especially if she's bright.


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

Never fear, my sister will get proper medical advice about the best form of bc, as well as condoms. You all are right about the diaphragm and Depo, as i have said.

As far as being ready: She may, i suppose, be 'ready' mentally being bright, but i cannot ever be convinced that she is ready emotionally. I know the way that she is in her heart, as well as another person can, and she is still very much a little girl. The desire of my heart is to protect that little girl who cannot see the far-reaching emotional consequences of her current actions, so that she is not damaged by them. My sister, at 39 years old, is still a little girl inside because of both what was perpetrated on her, and also choices that she made later on. I want my niece to be whole, and to have that wholeness to give as a gift to her future mate, even if she is not going to be technically a virgin. I stand firmly by all of these things, and will not be swayed by what i am now percieving (tho i may be wrong







) as scorn and







being directed at me for these views. I do thank all of you for your suggestions and perspectives; they have given me much clarity on a very muddled situation.


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## rainsmom (Dec 5, 2001)

While I agree that 16 is young to have sex....I was having it at 15, and I wish some caring adult would have sat me down and explained some things. BUT no one could have talked me out of having sex. For whatever reasons she is having it.......that is one thing that she is in control of.

I would definetly take her to lunch, have a heart to heart, bring the subject up, make sure she knows she has someone to talk to and go to if she needs it. You dont have to reveal that you heard from her mother.

But if you really want to reach her, I wouldnt preach to her on why you think what she is doing is wrong. She needs to know that BC is available to her, which ever kind she wants to use, and a talk about STDs wouldnt help either. Usually a Planned Parenthood will do all of this, or even a trusting female GYN or Nurse Practitioner.

Good luck!


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

Thank you, rainsmom

I would like to say once more that i am NOT going to preach at her







. My mother did that to me, and although it scared me into waiting, it did not really have the result that she intended. I think going out to lunch is a great idea; now i just have to get ahold of the girl. She never stops going







.


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## rainsmom (Dec 5, 2001)

She's lucky to have an auntie like you! Hope it goes well!


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## midnight mom (Feb 4, 2003)

My 15 yo dd is sexually active with her boyfriend of over one year. She absolutely denied she was having sex, even tho I knew in my gut she was (always listen to your intuition.) Finally she could deny it no more when I found a used condom in her room (she'd snuck him in her window, while I slept.) All I could think is what responsible kids, thank goodness they were using condoms!!!!!!!! She said she had denied it because she didn't want me to think she was *bad*. So I try very hard not to judge or condem her for being sexually active, even tho I HATE IT!!

I did not want to accept her being sexually active but had no choice. IMO, once a teen starts having sex you pretty much can't stop it. So we went to they gyn and got her on the patch. Yet I explained that you MUST still ALWAYS use a condem, even if your on any form of bc.

You sound like a great aunt. I wish someone had come to me and told me all this. My mom ignored the situation. I became sexually active at 14, pg at 16, had a baby at 17. And it was not the best thing to happen to me, I was soooo immature and not ready for motherhood it makes me sad.

Try not to feel offended by other's advise, I believe they are really just trying to help.


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## Greaseball (Feb 1, 2002)

T
I wonder...are teens less likely to use condoms when they are on other birth control?


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## crayon (Aug 24, 2002)

I started having sex way too young- I was 15, and I thought "I AM IN LOVE" yeah right, but at that age you really dont understand- even if you think you do. My mom was very against me being on birth control but my Aunt told her "Do you want her to get pg? Get her on BC" for me I never wanted to get pg, I took my pill and never had a scare, but my sister did get pg at 16- I dont think it ruined her life just made it hardder. I do know kids who didnt take BC to get pg- so I would suggest the shot- then they "cant forget!" and always have condoms around for them- the health dpt gives them away as do some college campuses.

IMO- if she is really smart then her goal is to *not* to get pg, it is just to fit in, to find someone who really cares- not that you dont, but her history with parental love is a bit off- and somtimes anyone that is an older family member ie. aunts or grandparents fall into that parental area, she could be looking for a safe place.

****Dont get me wrong about BC, I hated being on it, it make me sick and once I realized how bad they are to take I stopped taking them (at 21)- but I will also say that it is an bad thing stacked up against a bad thing- and you must pick- I dont think at 16 a girl or a boy are mature enough to use condoms evertime and to take the effects that go along with it when it fails. I think BC is a good choice when faced with a young pg or BC- JMO









Hugs, it will be okay- talk to her, belive me it is just as uncomfy for you to talk to her as it is for her to talk to you!


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## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crayon*

IMO- if she is really smart then her goal is to *not* to get pg, it is just to fit in, to find someone who really cares- not that you dont, but her history with parental love is a bit off- and somtimes anyone that is an older family member ie. aunts or grandparents fall into that parental area, she could be looking for a safe place.

!


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## Jessica36 (Oct 14, 2003)

Lydia -- My oldest niece is 18. We have ALWAYS been frank about sex. I ask her what's going on and caution her. I give my own life as an example. How I wish I would have waited, and I do, and such. My neice and I are 13 yo's apart so it works well. SO I think the talk or maybe a girls night out would work great.

HTH


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## Free Thinker (Jan 1, 2003)

Maybe on your out to lunch date you could mention that it is great she has been seeing Guy for 1 year, and that you know some issues will probably be popping up (no pun intented







) if they haven't already. Tell her that you will support her, that it is her decision, and that you will help her to get on any BC that she chooses. She does sound responsible for coming from a messed up, and confused family right now. That must be hard for her







My lil sister is 18 now, and I have no idea if she is active. I have told her that she Can come to me and I will help her get on BC if she wants. She told my mom I said that, and now I am a horrible sinner (oh, and I stopped going to thier church







). Education is the key, and hopefully someone at school is teaching her about it.


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