# DH is being so awful after our m/c



## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

As if losing the baby weren't bad enough, now I'm dealing with DH acting like a total jerk. The D&C was two days ago. I'm still in bed most of the time because I'm exhausted and sore. DH barely will even come into my room, and he snaps at me all the time. The only people here who have been nurturing are my wonderful children. The two littlest ones ask me if I'm feeling sad and stroke my face. The two older ones bring me food and little gifts they make.

My women friends have been wonderful and have sent flowers, cards, and food, and lots of love. They watched the kids when I had to go for the D&C.

DH doesn't even offer to being me a glass of water. He grumbles about everything. He doesn't appear to give a crap how I'm feeling or what I need. I'm not in a position to nurture HIM right now, although I suspect he is grieving too. (He is pretty emotional...I mean, for a guy.







) It is just awful. I feel like he blames ME for the death of the tiny baby! Dammit, it is NOT my fault. It is like he is incapable of seeing me be anything except energetic, in a good mood, and not grieving. Suddenly there is this huge grief, and he just...leaves me completely. It makes me even sadder. I feel like I have lost him too.

This morning he walked past the bedroom on his way downstairs and kind of asked "How are you?" in passing, but didn't even stop to hear the answer. When I said he should just come in, come spend some time together, he did come in, but just stood there being monosyllabic and non-conversational. I was trying to be a little bit sunny, trying to talk about something other than the baby, but it didn't matter. I said it was hard to talk to him, and he just replied that he was tired from going to bed too late. And he said he had to get the kids fed, etc, and left.









To make matters worse, he's going around telling people I lost the baby and had to have surgery. These are people I've never even met, and he's telling them this private information. It makes me feel so violated. It is awful. I asked if he could stop mentioning the surgery at least, but he said he has the right to talk to people when he wants. I suppose that's true, but I feel totally like my privacy has been violated. It makes me want to puke, honestly.

I am so upset with him. I cannot stand his horrible behavior and talking with him is impossible. It's like he cannot stand to be in the same room with me. It's awful.

He is not the only person being awful. My oldest told my mom about the whole thing, when I was at the hospital. It all happened so fast that I had not had a chance to tell anyone, and also I had not WANTED to tell people yet. I was/am still processing it all. Anyway, my mom never even called, sent an e-mail, or in any way acknowledged the loss. I have not heard a word from her or anyone else in my crappy family of origin. I just thought she could stop being a narcissistic brat long enough to acknowledge our loss. God, if one of my kids lost a baby, I would be all over them with food, gifts, hugs and phone calls. Not so much to bother them and hinder their quiet greiving, but enough so they felt supported and loved and held in my thoughts.

People can be just awful.

DH just came home with the younger kids. He didn't even bother to come up and say hello.


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

So sorry, mama. Sounds like he may be grieving in his own way...perhaps one of the many phases of getting through such a rough loss.
That being said, please take care of you. So glad your LO's are sooo nurturing. WHat a great reflection of mama







.

Hugs to you. M/c is a difficult experience. I am very sorry







.
Peace to the little LO lost.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Geez I'm sorry.









I can relate to you when it comes to how your mom was acting. I guess it's difficult but true that just because she is your mom doesn't mean she will emotionally support you. I had a big problem with my family. My mom and grandfather were extremely cold and judgmental.

Just remember that these people may have their own problems and issues and are projecting them on to you.

I mean really, what's the world coming to? Would it kill people to be _nice_?l


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)




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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)




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## apmama2myboo (Mar 30, 2005)

i'm so sorry to hear that every adult is being so selfish and not able to provide you with any emotional support. please know you're not alone, and try to take comfort that you raised your children right, since they are nurturing. take care of yourself. it is terrible, truly terrible, but it will pass.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so sorry you are not getting the support you need.


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## Down2Earth (Jan 23, 2008)

I'm so sorry.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *apmama2myboo* 
i'm so sorry to hear that every adult is being so selfish and not able to provide you with any emotional support. please know you're not alone, and try to take comfort that you raised your children right, since they are nurturing. take care of yourself. it is terrible, truly terrible, but it will pass.









: It sounds like you have some wonderful children. Maybe you could take some comfort in that.


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## Strong Mama (Feb 7, 2006)

Wow I am so sorry mama. I wish I could do something, this sounds so terrible, I feel your pain.((HUGS))


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apmama2myboo* 
i'm so sorry to hear that every adult is being so selfish and not able to provide you with any emotional support. please know you're not alone, and *try to take comfort that you raised your children right,* since they are nurturing. take care of yourself. it is terrible, truly terrible, but it will pass.

ITA!


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## lachingona1 (May 16, 2007)

I just want to give you a







. I am so sorry you are going through this. Your kids sound wonderful


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## Jannah6 (Aug 29, 2007)

I'm so so sorry that you are going through all of this







. I know that everyone grieves in their own way, but I think this is a little extreme on your husbands part. Is it possible that you guys were having problems before your MC?


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## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

We weren't having problems before this happened. We were just going along and feeling very happy about the pregnancy. We were pretty busy and happy. Although to be honest, I think he has a really jerky, nasty side that I am just starting to see after all these years. No WONDER no one was dating him when I met him! But really, before the m/c happened, we were just a pretty happy couple, not still in the honeymoon period of course, but still good friends and loving each other. I know no one is perfect, I sure am not, and DH's imperfections are no greater than my average daily ones. But this behavior of his since bloss, it makes no sense and is so horrible. I'm happy to accept that everyone on the planet is imperfect,
but to solidly refuse to support your wife when she loses a pregnancy, that is nauseating. I wonder how our relationship will fare after this.

I keep trying to get him to come around, just spend a few minutes together, and he refuses. I'm not going to bother telling him I feel unsupported and unloved---he won't be there to hear me, and if he is, he'll get super defensive, I'm guessing. This is all like a nightmare. How did this all happen? I feel like the fabric of my life has started to come unfrayed.


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## Dena (May 29, 2006)

:

I am so so sorry. It sounds like he is being a perfect a$$.

Not to excuse your dh's behavior (not by a LONG shot) but a thought - my dh sometimes acts this way when I am at my worst, hurting grieving etc., and it finally came out this weekend that sometimes when he sees me hurting so much it scares him, and he reacts out of fear, rather than love. Is it possible that this is what your dh is doing? Again, I am not by any stretch trying to excuse him, there is no excuse for him being awful to you right now, but sometimes, for me, if I understand someone's motivation, it helps lessen my anger, though it can't stop it from hurting.


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## texaspeach (Jun 19, 2005)




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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dena* 







:

I am so so sorry. It sounds like he is being a perfect a$$.

Not to excuse your dh's behavior (not by a LONG shot) but a thought - my dh sometimes acts this way when I am at my worst, hurting grieving etc., and it finally came out this weekend that sometimes when he sees me hurting so much it scares him, and he reacts out of fear, rather than love. Is it possible that this is what your dh is doing? Again, I am not by any stretch trying to excuse him, there is no excuse for him being awful to you right now, but sometimes, for me, if I understand someone's motivation, it helps lessen my anger, though it can't stop it from hurting.

You may be on to something. I heard somewhere that men can become rageful when they experience trauma b/c they are socialized not to grieve like women. They are supposed to keep their hurts in, but it may come out anyway as rage.


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## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

Maybe. But I still think he's a big weanie.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *freestyler* 
We weren't having problems before this happened. We were just going along and feeling very happy about the pregnancy. We were pretty busy and happy. Although to be honest, I think he has a really jerky, nasty side that I am just starting to see after all these years. No WONDER no one was dating him when I met him! But really, before the m/c happened, we were just a pretty happy couple, not still in the honeymoon period of course, but still good friends and loving each other. I know no one is perfect, I sure am not, and DH's imperfections are no greater than my average daily ones. But this behavior of his since bloss, it makes no sense and is so horrible. I'm happy to accept that everyone on the planet is imperfect,
but to solidly refuse to support your wife when she loses a pregnancy, that is nauseating. I wonder how our relationship will fare after this.

I keep trying to get him to come around, just spend a few minutes together, and he refuses. I'm not going to bother telling him I feel unsupported and unloved---he won't be there to hear me, and if he is, he'll get super defensive, I'm guessing. This is all like a nightmare. How did this all happen? I feel like the fabric of my life has started to come unfrayed.

I think maybe some couple's therapy might help. Do you think he would go?


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## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

He would go, I think. But the $$$ would kill us. Still, we'll get therapy somehow if we need it. Our church must offer some resources in this direction. They have a support group and counselors for just about everything imaginable.

Feeling very sad today but keeping as busy as possible given my rather weak state.

I've decided to start de-cluttering the house. Once a year I go nuts and clean ALL the clutter out. Right now that will be very therapeutic. We're not cluttered really, but still could stand to have way less stuff.

I'm still totally shocked that my mom will not even call or write to offer her sympathy. She probably threw a party when she heard, misogynist that she is. Anything that makes another woman miserable, it is to the good, as far as she is concerned. (Can you say gender confusion, boys and girls?) For the last fifteen or so years, and especially the last two or so, I have had nothing but criticism and hang-ups and walk-outs from her. She has narcissistic personality disorder and is a mess in her head. But still, you'd think she could step out of herself long enough to offer condolences. Well, she certainly is OUT of my life after this. What a totally toxic person. She was toxic before anyway. Yuck. But that's a whole separate issue.

I'm gonna go read to the little ones. It'll be restful and they'll love it. My toddler is sleeping at the breast right now. I always find it comforting right now to have her nurse---I'm really glad she is still nursing.

Sorry if I'm babbling. My head is not on straight yet. I'm still so disoriented and feeling weird. And hormones, those are starting to feel weird too. I'm like postpartum hormonal but there is no baby. Crap. Do you think I'll make any newborn-type milk?


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I hope I didn't sound like I was excusing your DH's actions.


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## freestyler (Jan 28, 2005)

No honeybunch, it didn't sound like excusng his actions at all. I have thought a lot about your post, in fact, and it makes a lot of sense, more sense than anything I have been able to figure out on my own.

His behavior makes ME mad though! It is as though he expects life, and me, to act in predictable, known, safe ways, no drama or grief allowed. And now here comes loss and grief, and he just loses it, and I feel like, wow, he's not that safe a person anymore. In order to be accepted and not raged at, I have to always have it together, not be grieving, not have life throw us a curveball? ??? And if life does throw us a curveball, do I have to put on an ACT to avoid his angry reaction? (Well, the obvious answer there is NO, of course.) But I mean, you kind of want your spouse to support you and hold you close when things are tough---whatever gender your spouse is!! Of course we also want love and support from, and give them to, our friends, but that is a separate issue.

I feel like, how sad that DH cannot even be supportive now, cannot ask how I am feeling (as opposed to how I am "doing"). That makes me feel a bit frightened----frightened that at the next loss or bad thing in life, I will also have to face that alone. It makes me feel separated more from DH, not as trusting, and not as admiring of him. I would admire a strong person and some strength right now. I am being stronger than him, and that gives me, well, no place to turn for comfort. Except inward. And to you wonderful mammas here. Having this community is HUGE to me, so important, you cannot imagine. Especially now!! I ask DH how he is feeling, he just gives me monosyllables. Pretty pointless to ask the average male how he is feeling. They never seem to know. But at least if he could be there for me, and support me.







I understand he is acting out anger because of the loss. But he is a grown-up---shouldn't he have more awareness of his actions? How clueless can you get? If HE had just lost a baby from inside him, and had had a D&C, and were still weak, still bleeding, still crying sometimes, still exhausted and sad and numb, I would be bringing him breakfast in bed and nurturing him! I guess he doesn't do "nurture."


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## veganmama719 (Sep 15, 2007)

Freestyler, my DH is not exactly being as supportive as I would like either. He seems tired of this, like I should be over this by now. He has not said anything like this but he is spending a lot of today down in his workshop, leaving me with both kids. He did take DD to a b-day party and (when I asked him) took DS along. They went to Home Depot or something
My m/c was on Thursday and I am still bleeding pretty heavy. I still made the kids bedtime snacks and put them to bed both night. He did make dinner (just leftovers, frozen lentil patties, french fries and frozen pizza) both nights.
I started spotting/light flow almost 2 weeks ago but didn't have the m/c until 2 days ago.
I think that exceeds his limit.

He _has_ been good about driving me to appointments.

I'm sorry you are not getting the support you need right now. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you feel better.


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## i0lanthe (Aug 1, 2005)

My DH has told me in the past that men don't know what to do unless someone really spells it out for them (sorry for this sweeping generalization







) - I had to point him to a web page of "what to say and what not to say after a friend has a m/c" for example. But once he knows what to do, he is great........ up to a limit like the previous poster says. I am sorry you are going through this


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## hellyaellen (Nov 8, 2005)

omg! i am so sorry. i haven't been on october board so i didn't know.

definately have you in my thoughts and prayers now.


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## Worldshakerz (Jun 16, 2003)

Freestyler...sorry you are having to go though this so unsupported. During my miscarriage all this past month I've had similar feelings as well. It is really hard for my DH to be nurturing when I'm upset. His automatic response is to giggle (from nervousness) and to make a sarcastic comment and try to get me to laugh to cheer me up. Half the time I have to tell him, "I just need a hug, get over here!!!!". I hope he comes around for you soon.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

I am so sorry you don't have support. I wish I was closer so I could kick you dh's sorry butt. and give you a







.

Take care


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## foogoomomma (Jan 12, 2008)

my dh does this whenever he doesn't know how to deal with something.. emotionally he just shuts down and doesn't give an inch. It's horrible and I really feel for you, being shut out at a time when you need him to open up to you and just plain be kind is so so hard. *hugs*

usually at some point my dh gets better, but I've come to realize in times of stress this is how he is... doesn't excuse it, but I know he loves me and this is something we're going to have to learn from and eventually improve A LOT. In the mean time though things aren't always pretty. Not to blame his parents, but seriously he's emotionally stunted and that takes a long time to overcome.

Not sure I have the right thing to say, but lots of *hugs* your way. Hope today and tomorrow is better.


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