# VERY attached 16 month old--anyone else?



## barcelona (May 1, 2006)

So, I am fine with this, but I just wanted to see if I am the only one out there with a child like this or not...just wanting to find company in our situation, I guess. My parents were giving me a VERY hard time about this, and I feel that it's normal/okay, but am not surrounded by many IRL examples of it...

My 16 month old DS is very very attached to me and my husband. DS and I visited the family (sans DH), and DS would hardly let me out of his sight, though if we hung out for a few hours, he would gradually be okay and maybe follow them into another room without me for a few minutes. With time, he would go up to them, touch them, and even let them hold him a bit...but it took time. In general, he doesn't let them hold him, just on a whim, or quickly. My grandparents came over, and I knew there was no way he would let them hold him (unless they hung out for a few hours and he could warm up to them.)

Is this normal for this age? I know there are variations, but are there other kids out there who will hardly let anyone other than you and DH hold them?

My mom really lit into me and said that it was hurting everyone's feelings (implying it's my fault for raising DS attached/letting him be so attached...they are VERY mainstream)...and she was pretty nasty about it, and I just want to know that I'm not the only one, that I'm not a bad mother.

Thanks for reading/helping!

Also, when did your DCs outgrow this level of attachment?


----------



## burm_keep (Oct 31, 2005)

This is very normal with my son. His relationships with others, including extended family, is based on their interactions with each other, not on some notion that he should be affectionate and easy w/ them just because they are related, or just because he is a child (that everyone wants to touch and cuddle). In our case, we only get to see extended family a few times a year, so DS has to take time to warm up.

I'm not physically close with everyone I'm related to or friends with. That kind of closeness has to be built on a relationship. Why should DS be any different?


----------



## barcelona (May 1, 2006)

Thank you! It is so good to know I'm not alone. I feel the exact same way. Why should he be expected to leap into people's arms, just because he is a child? It is one of those things expected in our society, I think, and something many mainstreamed-parented kids are fine with, b/c they don't have that same sense of attachment that our kids have.


----------



## Blucactus (Nov 20, 2006)

YES!
I saw this thread title and had to respond. My son is 16 months also and has "just" (past month or two) started this *SuperAttachment!* He is used to being around family members and a few friends several times a week, and never before had a problem playing with everyone, letting me out of his sight, etc.
Now he won't go in the nursery at church, follows me from room to room at home, cries if I go in another room when we're out, cries if I go to the bathroom when we're out, wakes up at night crying for me and calling my name in a panic. I can leave him for short times with my husband or my mom (and maybe once a month overnight with my mom), otherwise forget it. He's my little shadow. (It's esspecially funny because he's the only baby in both our families, our church, etc, and we have continual offers for neverending babysitters...but no deal.) I just humor him for now, as much as I can.
Know it will pass.


----------



## lyttlewon (Mar 7, 2006)

What you are discribing is normal to me! DD didn't really outgrow this. She still has a hard time around people she isn't familiar with, she might only see them a couple times a year, and sometimes has a hard time even with my mom. The only people she doesn't do this with are my MIL who she has spent time with since birth and my Sister mainly because of my neice.

It starts to ease up a bit when they learn permenance, meaning they understand that you will come back if you leave. What we have had it replaced with is the obsession with people talking about DD being shy. She hates it. Have you ever noticed when someone observes a "shy child" they poke at them or get right in their face? Now if she gets comfortable she will run around like no big deal but it takes her a few minutes or longer to get to that point.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

This sounds very, very normal for toddlers. If it's so important to your mom to spend time holding her grandchild, then SHE should make time to visit more often so she's not a "stranger", and warm up to the baby on the baby's terms.

Being a "detached parent" is no guarantee that your 16mo would be more open with new people. I honestly think it has more to do with the child's temperment than how they're raised. Either your mother was blessed with very social kids, or she just doesn't remember what toddlers are really like.


----------



## Daffodil (Aug 30, 2003)

My 15 month old is pretty much the same way. He is sometimes okay with relatives picking him up, but not always, and he generally prefers to be in the same room as me. My DD was even more uneasy about strangers (including relatives she didn't see often) when she was little, but by the time she was 18 months, she was less nervous, and by the time she was 2, she was really pretty comfortable around strangers.

When DS was about 13 months, and at the height of his most clingy/afraid of strangers phase, my dad infuriated me by picking up DS and then _refusing to give him back to me_, even though DS was crying and desperately reaching out for me! Because "he's too clingy" and "he has to learn."







: I insisted on taking him back, and later sent my dad some links to web pages that explained how normal it is for kids that age to be clingy and afraid of strangers, and how the best way to deal with it is to let them warm up to new people slowly. He actually said he had read them, and thanked me for the information, so maybe it did some good.


----------



## khrys (Aug 1, 2005)

I think "separation anxiety" is normal around that age. Ds will be 2 years old at the end of the month, and he still takes time (a couple days in a row) to get used to people, including family.


----------



## TurboClaudia (Nov 18, 2003)

the words i use to describe our son who acts very similarly to your child are "hesitant about new places" or "observant of new people or people he hasn't seen lately" or a new phrase "cautious". just an idea about some new ways to phrase what you previously described as "very attached". i think even kids who readily join in playing with anyone can also be very attached, so i think using "very" gives the sense of better/worse and i try to avoid that.


----------



## glowan1 (Feb 21, 2007)

Barcelona,

Hmmm, I thought this behavior was normal. At least that is how DD behaves and I consider her relatively normal, considering her family. Just kidding.

Yeah, I think my parents are a little hurt she doesn't warm up to them faster, but DD is DD in all her glory.

She began showing signs of being a little slow to warm to others before a year and still has that. It is especially the case when she is in a new environment. Grandma and Grandpa's house is always a new environment because we get there so infrequently.

DD is 20+ months and still has that tendency, but she is getting more bold/outgoing.

DC will take a lot of his cues from your comfort with the other people and with the situation.

Hang in there. One day your DC may not want anything to do with you. Let's hope that day never comes for you.


----------



## linguistmama (Sep 25, 2006)

This sounds exactly like my dd at that age! Now she is a little more comfortable being in another room at other people's houses and sometimes will talk to the adults that we are around quite a bit. Most of the time I have to go with her to the playroom etc. I can't say when she will be less cautious, she will only be 2 next month.


----------



## SoulJourney (Sep 26, 2005)

Hey mama...Noah is the SAME way. My mother will make comments like "Well you have made it nearly impossible for anyone else to be with him! He only wants you!" I know it's very normal for this age to deal with this level of attachment/separation anxiety. I wouldn't worry...you are doing exactly what you should be doing!


----------



## Dael (Jan 1, 2007)

DD is very attached to us, specially to DH, including family as well, she will start screaming if someone else holds her, the only one that may, will be able to hold her without her fussing is Rosa(our housekeeper) but mostly becuase she sees her almost everyday and she is used to her aswell.
My family understands it though, they're not offended by it.


----------



## barcelona (May 1, 2006)

Thanks again, mamas. It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this situation.

I have read that it really doesn't matter whether the parents or AP or not, the attachment at this age, that it has more to do with the child's personality, but I am curious if it has ANY affect?...because the children that I have seen where my parents live (only a handful), have all had parents doing babywise with them...and they seem absolutely oblivious to their parents' presence, and seem not to care one bit about who is holding them (and they're around 14-16 months, also). I couldn't help but feel there was a connection here? Do they just happen to be outgoing kids and mine happens to be cautious?


----------

