# One month since stillbirth @36w2d



## gremlin44 (Feb 17, 2003)

Funny how I was always drawn to this forum in the past. I've read what so many of you have gone through and cried for you. I've marvelled at strangers'/families' insensitivity. I've been in awe of your strength and courage and pain.

And now I must join you.

Monday was one month since we found out our son had died. Tuesday was one month since he was born.

This was my second pregnancy--I have a son who will be two on September 11th. It was a really rough pregnancy--bad morning sickness until week 20, lots of back pain due to weak ab/back muscles after my prior C-section, etc. I felt like I couldn't pay attention to my toddler or my unborn baby--I was so tired. This was supposed to be my healing birth. With my first son I had planned to have a waterbirth with midwives and use hypnobirthing. Instead at 36 weeks a loud noise (I turned on hot tub jets) scared him and made him flip into a double footling breech position. This was not discovered until four hours after my water broke. Because my contractions were already 3 minutes apart at that point and his cord kept dangling out along with his feet, I had a c-section. I was given a shot of terbutaline to stop labor while they assembled the c-section team. Kevin was born fine, healthy and strong and mature despite only being 36 w 6d. However, after he was born my uterus wouldn't contract and I was hemorraghing. In an attempt to avoid a hysterectomy (after massage, medications, and ligation of uterine blood supply all failed) the surgeons did a B-lynch procedure where dissolvable sutures wrap around the uterus like a pair of suspenders in order to cinch and compress it in order to stop hemorraghing. After four hours in the OR and an hour in recovery, I finally got to see Kevin.

Needless to say, I was really looking forward to a nice boring birth with my second son Zach. All plans were set for a VBAC waterbirth with my same midwives and with a wonderful doula in attendance. At 33 weeks I felt some contractions and mentioned them when I went in for my checkup. My midwife decided to check (since with my first son they found I was 70% effaced at 36 weeks and had him 6 days later)...and found I was already 70% effaced and 1.5 dilated. A fetal fibronectin test came back positive. I was put on modified bedrest with the hopes of keeping Zach in until 37 weeks, at which point I would be allowed to do a waterbirth. I spent 3 weeks trying to dig out all the baby stuff, stop contractions, straighten up our bedroom after a remodel, and be on bedrest with a toddler. Life was very hard....by the time we hit 36 w 0d I was willing to just have the baby at that point without the water tub just so the preterm labor would be done and life could resume. Zach and I had a lot of talks in those 3 weeks as I asked him to stay in

On Thursday, July 29th (36 weeks and 1 days) I felt Zach hiccup at 10 p.m. Went to bed at midnight and felt his usual shifting as we both tried to find a comfortable sleeping position.

Woke up 2 hours later on Friday at 2 a.m. with what felt like I was in the middle of the worst contraction ever. It had no start and no end. Stood up, thought I was going to vomit. Ran to bathroom. Felt contraction in lower uterus, upper uterus throbbing and rock solid. Wondered if I slept through all of early labor and was in transition. Got dizzy, wanted to vomit, and inside knew something wasn't right. Screamed for Pete (DH).

He was trying to be calm and soothing while I was trying to explain from my very cells that this was not normal. Called midwife--told to go straight to hospital. Called doula and asked her to come here to house to help me get into car to get to hospital. Called friend to come over and watch our two year old son. Called mom and sister.

Arrive at hospital--go to triage. Nurse swipes fetal monitor over abdomen to place it. Nothing. Kept trying. Midwife grabs machine and a doppler and goes to work. Nothing. Grab ultrasound machine. No fetal heartbeat able to be seen. Must wait half hour for official sonographer--no visible cause of death apparent.

Midwife and backup ob/gyn prefer me to birth Zach vaginally for fear I will have another uterine hemorrhage like I did with Kevin's C-section. We agree and spend from 4 a.m.-10 p.m. on Friday laboring. Have contractions on own, but add pitocin to augment. Even with pitocin at max I never get past 5 cm, 100% effaced, ctx 3 min apart. Having IV fluids pumped into me by the bagful--none is coming out despite catheterization. No evidence of c-section scar rupture. No evidence of hemorrhaging despite frequent high check inside cervix/uterus. I keep having spells of low blood pressure that even out.

By 10 p.m. back up ob/gyn has looked through my input/output records for fluids and says that despite her fears, we need to go in and find out if something happened. I'm not producing urine, I'm not progressing, and nothing makes sense. We all know I might not come out with a uterus. We agree. My doula and my midwive are allowed in the OR with us.

Upon opening me, they discover 1.5 liters of blood in my upper abdomen. And they find that the entire top (fundus) of my uterus has ruptured. My old C-section scar is perfectly intact. They remove Zach through the rupture to avoid another uterine incision. The top of my uterus is repaired, they get my uterus to contract wonderfully, no hemorrhaging, and close me up. We kept Zach with us for the next 5 hours, but eventually had to go to sleep because we'd been up for over 24 hours with only 2 hours of sleep. It was all too short of a time together.

It appears that I had a weakness at the top of my uterus. It might have been due to the B-lynch suturing procedure that saved my uterus wtih Kevin's c-section. The weakness was latent, and would have been triggered at any point that contractions got strong enough to cause this--so labor a week ago or labor two weeks from then would have had the same result. What woke me up was the uterus rupturing as I went into labor and the blood filling my abdomen. Zach's connection to the placenta was broken because of this. I'm told his death was instantaneous.

He was so beautiful. Like my first son, he was already mature and ready to be born--he was 7lbs 1 oz and 20.5 inches at 36w 1d (which was taller than Kevin at birth and only 5 oz smaller). He looked just like Kevin did--I even went back and looked at pictures of Kevin from the OR and the two boys are identical. He had a full head of dark hair like his brother. In same ways it makes it harder for me to know that he was so ready to be born.

I miss him so much. Towards the end of the pregnancy I was getting terrified that I'd never be able to deal with a 2 year old and a newborn. Now, I'd trade anything in the world just to have that. I feel so alone in missing him--yes, my husband and others loved him wanted him, but I'm the only one who had direct knowledge of him. He was so much calmer than his brother in utero--gentle stretches and rolling, no punching my sciatic nerve. He didn't like it when I tried to sleep on my left side with his back pressing against the bed and would wiggle until I rolled over. He liked when we took baths with his big brother and sang songs in the tub--he would wiggle and squirm. One night when I was doing some painting in our bedroom I sang along with some Indian kurtans, and he seemed to really enjoy it. I so looked forward to meeting this boy who already seemed to have such a different personality than his brother. I looked forward to getting the birth experience I missed out on the first time. I looked forward to Halloween with both my sons this year, Zach nursing in the sling, Kevin running to our neighbor's house to trick or treat.

During all of this pregnancy, I said I was never going to do this again. After we found out he was dead but didn't know why, we swore we could never do this again. And then we saw his beautiful face and knew we had to. I know many of you are familiar with Peggy Vincent's _Baby Catcher_ and her story about spirit babies. I have to give him a chance to come back to us.

Apparently at some point in the recovery room, I asked the ob/gyn who did the C-section what our future looked like. At that time, she was quite hesitant. She left the hospital at 3 a.m. and spent her morning speaking to her colleagues. When she visited us that Saturday afternoon, she was far more positive. She spoke to more colleagues that afternoon and the next day, and by the time we saw her on Sunday she was even more positive.

Due to the rupture of the fundus (top part) of the uterus, the preterm labor, and the uterine atony that I experienced in the past with Kevin, a future pregnancy would be considered high risk--I would need to be under the care of a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. One of the doctors she spoke to said he would happily take us on as patients. When I looked him up on the web, I found that not only is he a MFM specialist, he is head of the Obstetrics and the MFM departments of a major Chicago hospital, head of the OB/GYN department of the affiliated medical school, and has major research articles all over the web. Damn. We have an appointment to see him on September 15th to start planning our future.

So, what we know at this point (from what she told us while we were still in the hospital) is that there is a 50-90% chance of this happening again (depending on who you talk to) if the situation goes unmanaged. Even though the uterine rupture is repaired and better than the weak spot that was there previously, it is still not as good as an unblemished uterus that has never undergone a prior C-section and a fundal rupture. When you add in the preterm labor that I went through this time, you essentially have a future situation that combines a weakened uterus with extra early contractions--not good.

I will never have a vaginal birth. I will never be allowed to go into labor of any sort. A likely scenario is that at around 30 weeks I will be put on medication to stop any contractions. I might even end up on hospital bed rest. As we get closer to 34/35 weeks, I will be given steroids to help mature the baby's lungs. At around 35 weeks the baby will be born via a planned C-section to try to ensure that he/she is out before any labor can start to avoid the possibility of another uterine rupture.

There is so much hope in the scenario she presented to us...yet also there is so much fear. Fear of another difficult pregnancy, fear of not having my midwives and my familiar hospital, fear of another C-section and its recovery, fear of a potential hysterectomy if I hemorrhage again....and of course, fear of my body killing another child. It would be so much "easier" to just say that we don't have the strength to do this and not worry about it. Case closed.

But every time I think that, Zach's face pops into my mind again. And I just can't be that selfish. Pete, Kevin, and I all need our Spirit Baby.

Zachary Alan Hartman
d. July 30, 2004 approx 2 a.m.
b. July 31, 2004 12:17 a.m.
7lbs 1oz, 20.5 inches
beautiful boy

Zach's photos

In the upper right corner click login--the username is zachary, the password is alan.


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## Mothra (Jun 4, 2002)

I'm so sorry. I wish I had something important and comforting to say. I couldn't read this without commenting, though.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

How very sorry I am. Your story was moving and brought me to tears.








Lisa


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

I just looked at the pictures. Your Zachary is just beautiful. The picture of you and your husband while you labored brought tears to my eyes....and one of the last ones, with family members on both sides of your bed, well i about lost it when i noticed the wadded up tissues on your legs.

You know, my 6 year old walked into the office when i was looking at the album. He was very excited to see pictures of your baby. He excitedly said "Wow, what a perfect baby, so cute!".


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Oh, mama, I am so sorry for your and your family's loss. Zachary is so beautiful!


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## AmandaBL (Aug 3, 2004)

What a beautiful baby boy. I'm so sorry for your loss. I read the spirit baby story not too long ago and I was so touched by it. What a comfort to know he's waiting to come back to you.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss.














At times like this I wish there was something else I could say. Something really good that would fill your heart with warmth and hope. But in my experience the best things to say are I am sorry and I am here if you want to talk. I cannot look at the pictures today, my computer is moving more slowly than most snails, but I can imagine how beautiful your son is. Your story was well told and made me cry. I will light a candle for your family.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your family's loss of your beautiful Zach. Thank you for sharing your story with us!

I too am seeing an MFM doctor for this subsequent pregnancy (my son was a stillborn due to unknown reasons during 27th week) and have found this doctor to have an abundance of compassion. We always leave there with a little more hope. I wish this comfort for you as well as you give up your previous notions and move along a new journey.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I am so very sorry. I wish I had words to tell you just how very much the pictures of your family have affected me, and how very much my heart goes out to you all.
Zachary is a beautiful baby.


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## StillForest (Nov 27, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss. Your story and pictures moved me to tears. Zachary is such a beautiful baby. Thank you for sharing your story and pictures. You and your family will be in my thoughts


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## wemberly (Jun 26, 2003)

Steph,

Hi--it's Paige from the Chicago HM group--I moved to Philadelphia last spring, when Kris moved to Ohio.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can remember meeting you right after beautiful Kevin was born--it's so hard to believe he's a 'big boy' now. Please know that I'm thinking of you, Pete, Kevin, and especially darling Zachary.

Much love to you gentle mama,


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## armonia (Mar 24, 2002)

I am so very sorry for your loss.







What a very sad thing to have happen. Zachary is beautiful, just like you said. I am so sorry once again.


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## CartersMomma (Jan 4, 2002)

I could not read your story without letting you know how much it touched me. I cried when I saw beautiful Zachary. I am so sorry that he died. I cannot imagine how much you must miss him. My heart aches for you! Thank you for sharing your story.

Christa


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## Tatka (Aug 3, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss of this beautiful baby...

I have no experience with this...but when I was almost 5 my mom had a baby Igor. He had some problems, as I remember she was using some kind of device so he sould pass a gas.

Anyway when he was 2 month old he had a surgery, which was successfull and he even smiled after but after the surgery nurse did something wrong. I don't know exactly what but I think she brought him for brestfeeding during the course of peniciline which shouldn't happen. He died in my mother's hands. Little bit later that a year my mother gave a birth to my younger sister (who is 27 now







) who was a joy of our life.

I know nobody will replace your beautifull baby but I hope you will be able to have a joy with new baby soon!

Natasha


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

What a beautiful little boy. He looks like he is sleeping and could wake up, and it's just so wrong that he won't.







I hope knowing that his spirit is there can bring you some measure of comfort. I'm so sorry and I will send all my positive vibes and prayers your way for your next pregnancy.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Oh mama...I am so sorry for your loss...Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Thank you also for sharing the wonderful pictures of Zachary and your family...
I, too, had a c-section...and my baby died as well, March 26, 2004.

I am sobbing now....will post more later...much love to you mama, you are needed and wanted here...please come back soon!!!


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

holding you close and wrapping you in love, steph. i'm so so sorry he died. i can't imagine how much you are missing him. i'm so incredibly moved by your pictures, thank you for sharing them here, too. i can't see you and p. and little zach without sobbing. i think you are such an amazing woman, and my heart aches for you and p. and k. and zach. i'm sending you love and strength every day, you're always in my mind. i hope the love you get here is overwhelming, and gives you a bit of comfort.
erin


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## Greensleeves (Aug 4, 2004)

Gentle mama, I am so moved by your loss. What a beautiful little baby boy. I'm so sorry.


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## OceanMomma (Nov 28, 2001)

I am so very sorry








Zachary is such a beautiful baby. Thankyou for sharing him with us.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm so very sorry for your loss









I'd like to warmly and gently welcome you









You're story moved me so deeply. You have an inner strength and love that is so apparent in your words. Please know this as you journey through your grief.

Zach is so beautiful and I feel honored to know him through your words and pictures. He felt your deep love and will forever know his family loves and misses him.

How is your older son doing? He's so young and this is so confussing. I'm sure it's difficult on all of you.

As you can see, the women in this forum are here to support you and listen when you need to talk. Let us know if we can help you in any way move through this.

I'll hold you and your family in my thoughts.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Thank you for sharing your precious Zachary with us. I'm so sorry that you've lost him. Please try and take things one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. Grief of this nature is a really difficult thing to go through.


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## gokiamma (Feb 11, 2004)

I saw these pictures yesterday as well as today. Zachary is such an extremely beautiful sweet baby. I offer my heartfelt condolences. I am deeply saddened.At times of loss of a dear one, I like to think that he/she continues to live in spirit. Hinduism believes that the soul/spirit of the person is eternal and it is only the body that perishes. Zach will always be with you and your family in spirit. Thank you for taking the efforts to share your family pictures. May the great god give you and your family all strength during these tough times.


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## Helen White (Aug 19, 2004)

I want to thank you so much for sharing your story. My son will be 2 on Sept. 10th, and I'm 35 and a half weeks pregnant right now. I've been letting myself feel so overwhelmed with the prospect of parenting a toddler and newborn that I haven't been appreciating the blessing I have right now. I've been spending so much time worrying about the future, the future as I imagine it, that I'm not appreciating the present--the time I have now with my toddler, the time I have to feel the baby moving inside me. I promise you that I will better appreciate the gift I've been given if I'm blessed with a full-term baby in a few weeks.

I cried and cried when I saw the pictures of your beautiful son. You are such a strong person, and I can't imagine what your experience must have been like. I'm sure your strength will help carry you through your future pregnancy, when you get to meet your spirit baby again. Thank you for passing some of your strength to me--I can't imagine suffering, feeling sorry for myself, during labor with your story so fresh in my mind. I'm sure I'll be a better mother because of it.


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## fayking (Jun 28, 2004)

i am so sorry for your loss, hugs to you and your family x


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## ggma (Apr 20, 2004)

You and your family are in my thoughts. Wishing you comfort and the strength it takes to communicate openly with each other as you move through the realm of loss. I am sending light and love to your baby-to-be as well and wish you all the best on this next step... peace.


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## Welovedante (Dec 18, 2003)

hugs and prayers of love and peace for you and your family. holding you all in my thoughts. thank you for sharing your story and the photos. sending hopes for your future spirit child.

Heidi


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## KensJen (Dec 1, 2003)

Oh Zachary is so beautiful! I am so sorry this happened to you, there is nothing I can really say to make any sense of it. I am sitting here







right now, just thinking how unfair it is that you are not holding your dear Zach right now.

Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope the ladies here can help you one day at a time.

Hugs mama. When you feel lonely please come here to talk.


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## pugmadmama (Dec 11, 2003)

I'm so sorry that Zachary died. So very sorry. Both of your sons are absolutely beautiful, thank you for sharing their pictures.


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## jujujoy (Jun 23, 2004)

Your story brought me to tears, which isn't an easy thing to do. I couldn't read that and not let you know how very sorry I am for your loss.
Sending lots of love to you and your family.


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## BinahYeteirah (Oct 15, 2002)

I too must say I am so sorry even though I know my words are insufficient.


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## NaturalBeauty (Jan 6, 2003)

2 Mama. Wishing the best for you and your family.


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful son.


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## CarolynnMarilynn (Jun 3, 2004)

I am sorry for your loss, and for your family, of little Zachary. What beautiful pictures.

Carolynn


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

thinking of you and your family. If you feel up to it, please come and let us know how you're doing.







2


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## gremlin44 (Feb 17, 2003)

Thanks all for your well wishes and support.

Saturday was my older son's 2nd birthday and Sunday was our memorial service for Zach. 6 weeks after he died. We had decided to do both on the same weekend for several reasons--1) we wanted a weekend of celebrating both our boys and 2) we wanted to make it easier/possible for out of town relatives/friends to attend both events.

The birthday party turned out great, but I wasn't "present" for it--not emotionally and really not physically. I guess my mind just couldn't deal with the fact that Zach was supposed to be at the party (it probably would have been a party for people to meet him for the first time). So I went into hyperactive mega organizing, Tasmanian devil mode and spent nearly the entire party bringing out food, organizing, cleaning up, etc. I feel horrible about that, like I cheated Kevin, but he had a great time at his party with Daddy and all his friends. At least a friend of ours took lots of pictures of the party, so I'll get to see what happened.

The memorial service was beautiful. I'm too tired to write much now, but it was good.

Somehow though I hit a big downswing on Tuesday. On Monday I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders--I had successfully pulled off both events, my planning was done, we celebrated Zach and many people got to "meet" him for the first time, etc. On Tuesday as I tried to clean house after having family spend the weekend with us, I realized that I somehow irrationally felt like my life should be completely back to normal--I should be physically back to normal, mentally back to normal, my house clean, etc. I shouldn't be crying at the drop of a hat. And I know that life will never be "normal" again...but it's hard to accept that. I don't know how to live the rest of my life like this. But I guess I don't have to. I just have to live each day as it comes.


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## 2devils_1angel (Oct 14, 2003)

I am very sorry for your loss. I also lost my second son.
he was still born at 35 weeks 2 days (sb 9/20/01 edd 10/22/01)
I really dont know what to say to you, because right after i lost my son I heard everyone mutter the same WRONG words, but yet did not know what I wanted to hear.
Please know that you and our family are in our thoughts and prayers


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