# How can I forgive myself for circumsizing my boys?



## novaxmomof2 (Nov 3, 2008)

Hi Everyone,

I was wondering if any of you who allowed your sons to be cut have found a way to forgive yourselves because I can't see to. I was soooo stupid and gave into pressure by doctors and family members to have both of my sons circumsized. I just had NO IDEA what it really meant or that I was maiming them for life. It is almost ironic because my husband and I are attachment parents all the way (except for the circs). I breastfed my first until he self-weaned at 13 months and am still nursing my 15 month old. We have all co-slept and still are from the beginning (thank God for king sized beds). I have always tried my best to comfort them as soon as they cry. We don't spank and use gentle discipline methods (except for the few occasions when I have yelled which I also regret). Devastated doesn't seem to convey how I felt when I read about the short-term and long-term effects of circumcision. I am just so angry that I didn't protect them and am sinking into a depression about it. I know this is an anti-circ forum so maybe I don't even have the right to be here. But if anyone has any advice I would be so grateful.


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

I'm right there too......







.


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## homeschoolingmama (Jun 15, 2007)

What about using this experience as a positive? You could be an advocate for not circ'ing. I think some of the best intactivists are people who regret circ'ing their boys. Parents that are deciding on whether to circ or not may listen more freely to someone who has been through this.

You can comment on blogs, print out pamphlets to leave places, talk to people IRL... There are so many ways to get the word out there. Whenever I feel shy and nervous about talking to someone, I think of all of the parents who regret circ'ing and how I can prevent that. It helps me to come out of my shell.

Did you see the sticky at the top of the pg for people who regret circ'ing?

I am sorry that you have such guilt. Let's put it to some good use!


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## Frootloop (Aug 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homeschoolingmama* 
What about using this experience as a positive? You could be an advocate for not circ'ing. I think some of the best intactivists are people who regret circ'ing their boys. Parents that are deciding on whether to circ or not may listen more freely to someone who has been through this.

You can comment on blogs, print out pamphlets to leave places, talk to people IRL... There are so many ways to get the word out there. Whenever I feel shy and nervous about talking to someone, I think of all of the parents who regret circ'ing and how I can prevent that. It helps me to come out of my shell.

Did you see the sticky at the top of the pg for people who regret circ'ing?

I am sorry that you have such guilt. Let's put it to some good use!









: This is me..

My son is now 15 yrs old and I only learned what circumcision really entails within this past year. I never researched circumcision or anything else for that matter, before I had him (my firstborn). I was 18 yrs old and immature as hell. His circ was done without my informed consent OR permission (I had just come out of general anesthesia and was very sick). Our story is on page 19 of the circumcision regret sticky above..

I have an INSANE amount of guilt over this. It absolutely breaks my heart. How do I forgive myself? Well, I research like crazy and try to learn more.. I learn about the reasons behind it, the risks, the after effects, etc. I try to inform others (some are willing to listen, but many are not - you just have to keep trying).
I'm just now getting to the point where I'm trying to discuss it with my son (he is very learning disabled and has a difficult time processing things that are upsetting).. I am trying to talk to my 11 year old daughter about it. I don't want my children to make the same mistakes that I did. If they learn how wrong it is and do not allow *their* sons to be circumcised, perhaps they will also inform others.. and so on and so on.

And of course you have a right to be here







You are not here to make waves.. you know that routine infant circumcision is wrong.

I am so sorry that you're feeling so depressed about this. I completely understand your pain. But, do NOT sit back and let the guilt overcome you!! Get proactive. Research when you have time. Inform others. When your son are a little older, explain it to them. Let them know that you made a mistake.. and apologize.

More hugs to you..


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i agree with what homeschoolingmama said. use it at a positive. learn from it and try to teach others.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

Try to turn your experience into a way to educate others. Maybe that will help you feel at least you can turn what happened into some good and protect other little boys.

I'm sending you







s because I can't imagine exactly how you feel. It must be so difficult.

Circ is one of those things, the more you know, the worse it is. So many parents after they've done it prefer not to hear the truth because it hurts so badly. I have a friend like this...she found out my DS was intact and asked me about it. Then I went into it on a really basic level. But she couldn't handle that (her son was circ'd). She stopped me and told me..."I know it's wrong, I always knew instinctively it was wrong, but *her DH's name* wanted it done and I didn't want to argue over it....don't tell me anymore because I can't take it."

The problem is, by not talking about it, by not sharing the truth and the pain future generations of men are cut. It is a basic sociological phenomenon that circumcision creates circumcisers...if you look accross cultural lines accross the world that is what you find. All cultures who embrace social genital altering or genital altering...if the people are given information about why the genital altering is wrong, damaging or unnecessary those who are cut are generaly initially offended, taken aback and still insist on allowing it to be done to their children.







That is what happens here.

So, do your best to help educate others. Turn your pain into action.


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## novaxmomof2 (Nov 3, 2008)

Thank you for all of the wonderful advice. I see now that being depressed and living in the land of "what ifs" isn't nearly as productive as trying to teach others what I have learned and possibly preventing other boys (especially any future grandsons that I may be blessed with) from being mutilated. When they are old enough I will explain to my boys what circumcision is and apologize to them for allowing it. I won't offer excuses because there aren't any. I should have done the research BEFORE they were even born. But since I didn't I will teach them and pray that they will forgive me.

It continues to amaze me how much misinformation is out there. I wish I knew why doctors push for circumcision like they do. Maybe it comes down to money or old school medical training? Ugggg. The more I learn about it the more disgusted I become. I am taking my youngest to the doctor today because his meatus is red and irritated. I am fearing it is meatal stenosis due to the circumcision. But even if it isn't something that severe the bottom line is that this area SHOULD NOT be exposed/rubbing against a diaper. It should be covered and protected by a foreskin! Geeez. Well, anyway, thanks again for your support. I am so glad I found this board. The information here is worth it's weight in gold.


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homeschoolingmama* 
What about using this experience as a positive? You could be an advocate for not circ'ing. I think some of the best intactivists are people who regret circ'ing their boys. Parents that are deciding on whether to circ or not may listen more freely to someone who has been through this.

You can comment on blogs, print out pamphlets to leave places, talk to people IRL... There are so many ways to get the word out there. Whenever I feel shy and nervous about talking to someone, I think of all of the parents who regret circ'ing and how I can prevent that. It helps me to come out of my shell.

Did you see the sticky at the top of the pg for people who regret circ'ing?

I am sorry that you have such guilt. Let's put it to some good use!

It's hard because I sometimes wonder if those who have NOT circ'd are bothered by my anti-circ stance having allowed my own DS to be circ'd. Make sense? I mean, it's my greatest regret in life, I have trouble still seeing him naked, but I worry that some may see me as not entitled to say anything having made this mistake myself. I have some very anti-circ people in my life, and I have often felt judgement (whether intended or not) and it hurts--though I deserve it, I suppose.

However, I did have a very emotional talk once with a mama about this regret of mine, and she went on to have an intact son. So, that felt pretty damn good! (she had been indifferent before, and was going to leave it up to her pro-circ SO).


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## novaxmomof2 (Nov 3, 2008)

dillonandmarasmom,

I know how you feel! But so far I have received nothing but kindness and support from the moms on this board. Our common desire is to save as many boys from being cut as possible. You and I know the anguish and guilt firsthand. I too, am sad when I see my boys naked. It is a scar on my soul and a reminder of how important it is to be informed. I have found in my life that many times people who have been through something have a real ability to heal others who are going through the same thing. Hopefully that applies to us as well!


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## vintagetroll (Apr 13, 2008)

please use it for action. go on mainstream boards and tell your story. be open and honest about whatever pain or reactions they had at the time and ongoing.

I don't know if you should forgive yourself. you shouldn't let it affect the quality of your life, but if guilt springs you to action then its a good thing, and your kind of stories are what needs to be heard.


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## Fellow Traveler (Jan 8, 2008)

novaxmomof2 and dillonandmarasmom

Have regret but use it constructively. Moms like you are our best and often most effective advocates. So participate in TCAC and discussion on other boards. Share your thought as often as possible or help the cause in other ways (there are many).

Dillonandmarasmom - Please don't feel judged. I don't think that is people's genuine feeling toward you. The problem is when you speak out against circumcision it is hard to do so in a non-judgmental way. I am thinking it's just that which you are seeing. There are many parents here who circumcised one or more sons but later came around on the subject I hope that they don't get that feeling because it might make our job harder.


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

I just want to thank you sincerely for having the courage to face the truth about circumcision. I think most of us have done something as a parent we regret deeply and I know many of us can relate personally to the regret and pain it causes.


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## SleeplessMommy (Jul 16, 2005)

A very important action you can take is to write letters to the drs (and hospitals) where the circs took place. Let them know that you were not given full information/disclosure about the risks, harm and pain of circ. Let them know that you regret circing and are disappointed that they did not inform you more fully.

Keep the letter very factual, with as little emotion as possible. (because intactivists like me are considered nut cases!







)

http://www.cirp.org/library/anatomy/sorrells_2007/
You can cite the fine touch study (Sorrells et al 2006) - had the doctors disclosed to you that the foreskin was normal, healthy erogenous tissue, you would not have consented to the procedure.

I place a huge amount of blame on drs and hospitals for the existence of circ in the USA. If they gave a copy of the Sorrells study (or a circ video) to prospective parents, they would never consent.

After that, you need to move on.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dillonandmarasmom* 
I mean, it's my greatest regret in life, I have trouble still seeing him naked, but I worry that some may see me as not entitled to say anything having made this mistake myself. I have some very anti-circ people in my life, and I have often felt judgement (whether intended or not) and it hurts--though I deserve it, I suppose.









You're being too hard on yourself. You didn't know then what you know now.

I'm working through the same sort of issues w/ DD's c/s...so regretful that I was so ignorant that I set myself up for it, but working through it.


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## fruitful womb (Nov 20, 2004)

This thread is making me







However, I have the strength to respond.

First, I dissagree with the previous poster who thought it wasn't a good idea to forgive yourself although I can see how she feels that way.

You must absolutely FORGIVE yourself. Know this: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! The blame is on our doctors and our illestablished & immature medical school. They behave with whats called a "Semmelweis Reflex".

The other thing that royally disgusts me is the FACT that the AMERICAN MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT feel the _need_ to even ASK: "Do you desire to circ?" DESIRE??? WTF??? DESIRE MY FOOT UP YOUR ARSE!!! WHY







??? Oh but do they OFFER ANY INFORMATION regarding the harms and risk??? NOPE! Why would they? They'd loose a sale. And thats all it is folks. If they truley informed parents, novaxmomof2, Frootloop, dillonandmarasmom, and to the other parents who regret this terrible crime that visits nearly every male in America, IF THEY TRUELY INFORMED US then we wouldn't consent. Do you think they WANT US TO SAY NO??? Just don't ask. Just like they shouldn't be soliciting any other non-essential medically unnecessary surgery upon healthy newborns.

A question can be so suggestive and it can work on vulnerable wacked out bran new parents or parents of a new boy.

Please forgive yourself. Give yourself permission to free yourself from this bondage of guilt. Its OKAY and you can STILL be active in informing others so they won't fall for this SCAM. I encourage you to use your voice in saving other boys and their parents. You don't have to let guilt to consume you. It certaintly will NOT help you gain an effective voice. Thats not to say the remorse of what happened to your sons will completely go away. I'm so sorry to admit that. I've suffered tremendous agony over what happened to my first born. Its been 8 yrs now and to be honest I've had to seek professional help because I let the guilt consume me. I have a little more to say to you but this is getting way too long. Please forgive me.







got to submitt this now


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

Thanks novaxmomof2. This thread has been helpful.
Thanks, mamas, for your kind words. Thank you for understanding and for helping me to let go of my concerns about judgement.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

I circed my ds who is now 6. I did not want to do it and I let dh "talk me in to it". I still regret it, but I no longer feel guilty. I've allowed myself to let go of the guilt. Ds does not see anything wrong with his penis, it looks like Daddy's (which is what dh wanted), and it's all he's ever known, so he has never known any shame or sorrow over his penis. When he is older, I will tell him that I believe circing him was wrong, and that I am sorry, because that is how I feel.
But for the present I try to focus on the fact that he is a happy, healthy young boy and I don't want to let this become a blight in our lives.


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## Fellow Traveler (Jan 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OakBerry* 
I circed my ds who is now 6. I did not want to do it and I let dh "talk me in to it". I still regret it, but I no longer feel guilty. I've allowed myself to let go of the guilt. Ds does not see anything wrong with his penis, it looks like Daddy's (which is what dh wanted), and it's all he's ever known, so he has never known any shame or sorrow over his penis. When he is older, I will tell him that I believe circing him was wrong, and that I am sorry, because that is how I feel.
But for the present I try to focus on the fact that he is a happy, healthy young boy and I don't want to let this become a blight in our lives.

I think this is a good way to go. You can't change the past but you can certainly influence the future. So be open and honest with your son when the time comes and hopefully it stops with him. Sharing your story with others helps too.


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## hipmummy (May 25, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *homeschoolingmama* 
What about using this experience as a positive? You could be an advocate for not circ'ing. I think some of the best intactivists are people who regret circ'ing their boys. Parents that are deciding on whether to circ or not may listen more freely to someone who has been through this.

You can comment on blogs, print out pamphlets to leave places, talk to people IRL... There are so many ways to get the word out there. Whenever I feel shy and nervous about talking to someone, I think of all of the parents who regret circ'ing and how I can prevent that. It helps me to come out of my shell.

Did you see the sticky at the top of the pg for people who regret circ'ing?

I am sorry that you have such guilt. Let's put it to some good use!









: If it was not for my mother's past mistake of circing my brothers and regretting it. I would not have been so educated on it.m She no wis a huge intactivist!


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

I allowed my first son (age 7) to be circed. My second son is intact. I have explained to my 7-year-old that, when he was born, I didn't know yet how painful and unnecessary the procedure is.

Guilt is futile. Just move forward and do what you feel is the right thing if there's a next time. When you know better, you do better.


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## Fi. (May 3, 2005)

Quote:

I sometimes wonder if those who have NOT circ'd are bothered by my anti-circ stance having allowed my own DS to be circ'd.
No. Never.


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## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

I wrote this blog post awhile ago, I never posted it, but hopefully it will help you to see that you aren't alone...

So many moms have so much guilt over choices that they have made. I think that it is a natural part of motherhood to have feelings of inadequacy and guilt. There is nothing worse than this feeling.
It keeps me up at night. While so many people can just shut off their minds and fall asleep, (my husband being one of those people) I can't. I lie awake thinking of everything. I think of what I could have done different that day. I think of what I need to do the next day. But of all the things I think about, I focus on the giant mistake I have made as a mother. One of my first mothering choices and I chose wrong. It honestly brings down my entire confidence as a mother in general. Whenever I get to thinking about it, I berate myself. I yell at myself in my mind. I say awful thingsto myself. It really is the worst feeling. And so many of you will think "Why does she care about it this much?" and "Good Lord, she needs to just let it go."

I can't. Mentally, I cannot get past it. I failed to protect my son during my first day as a mother. Is there something worse in this world, than turning your back on your child? I can't think of anything.

Something I read (in a parenting book) said that when you are feeling emotions like guilt, you should try to focus on what you have done right as a mother. The problem is, what if all those rights, don't cover the wrong? What if you are the worldest most patient mother who puts the needs of her child first in almost every instance, but it still doesn't cover the one choice that you made? What do I do then?

Of course, you all know by now that I am talking about circumcision. So many people just make this choice, have no regrets, and get on with their lives. I honestly can't imagine that. They must NOT know what I know. Or maybe they do, but they are choosing to ignore that little voice inside them. I imagine that because I know what I know now, I will lose a lot of friends and family over this issue.

But this isn't about them. This is about me and the choice that I made. And the heavy guilt that comes with it.

Thanks for reading. I know it is all jumbled.


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## njeb (Sep 10, 2002)

It might help you to know that Marilyn Milos, who founded NOCIRC, has three circumcised sons! She had them in the 70's in the hospital, and went along with the standard practice of RIC. When the boys were older, she returned to school to become an RN. During training, she witnessed her first circumcision, and was so horrified by what she saw that she founded NOCIRC. She took her grief and guilt and turned it into something positive. You can do the same.







to you!
Edited to add: she now has intact grandsons.


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## columbusmomma (Oct 31, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pooka~Hugs* 





















I'm right there too......







.

Me too


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## 3kidsclmr (Apr 7, 2007)

Know that you're not alone. I suffered (still do) tremendous guilt over circumcising my two boys. The kind of guilt that keeps you up and night... night after night after night. I think I could have gone into a really deep depression over the issue, but I ended up taking a step back and just not thinking about it for awhile, which I think I had to do for my own sanity. I was so focused on the wrong choice I had made, that I wasn't able to be a good parent to my kids. At this point, I think I've processed my guilt just a little more. I tell everyone I know who's having kids about how wrong circumcision is. A lot of them don't listen, but I feel better just having said something. Nobody mentioned a word about circumcision to me when I was pregnant- and everyone knew I was having boys. It infuriates me... surely somebody out there could have said something to me before it was too late! Why is circumcision normalized in the this country? Why do we not see it for the barbaric act that it is?


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## grisandole (Jan 11, 2002)

Check out the sticky that the pp's have posted. I've been in your shoes and it took a while, but I let go of the guilt...you need to...forgive yourself and talk to your son about it (when he is old enough to understand)...apologize and educate him...I did that and it really helped.


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## novaxmomof2 (Nov 3, 2008)

I just want to thank all of you again for your kind words, support and wonderful suggestions for how to move forward and bring good out of the great evil that was done to my boys. Even though the pain of not protecting them when they were at their most vulnerable and the anger I have towards the medical establishment will never completely go away, I am going to spend the rest of my life being the best mother I can be and telling anyone who will listen why they should never allow their sons to be circumcised. I'm thankful that my husband also deeply regrets allowing it too so that we can be a united team. We just feel so stupid and angry at the bill of goods sold to us by the doctors. The statistics they give are so grossly inaccurate. And they NEVER mention what they are REALLY going to do to our precious boys and that the implications are LIFELONG. I know there a lot of people out there who circ'd their boys and have zero regrets about it. I do not understand that. I think they haven't been faced with the reality of what circumcision really is. I'm just glad there are so many voices out there fighting for our boys.


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## PuppyFluffer (Mar 18, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *novaxmomof2* 
I'm just glad there are so many voices out there fighting for our boys.

And I am glad that we can add you to the voices!


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## Galatea (Jun 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *novaxmomof2* 
I know there a lot of people out there who circ'd their boys and have zero regrets about it. I do not understand that. I think they haven't been faced with the reality of what circumcision really is.

I think they are just not as brave as you. I know you are devastated, but you are a wonderful mother. Now go forth and advocate!


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## hippiemommaof4 (Mar 31, 2008)

You cant beat yourself up about it forever, its not good for you or your sons because it cant be changed no matter how much you wish it could . I circ'd both of my sons and I'm having another son in march who wont be . I've made peace with it and I'm moving on...its going to be ok, it really is even if its a great loss you cant change it so just embrace the fact that you know better now.
We have all done things we wish we wouldnt have as parents I think and this is no different. You just have to forgive yourself and say that wasnt the right thing to do for them but I cant change it and I'm sorry I did it.







: chin up mama


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

My husband is circed. He wishes that he wasn't, and is currently working on restoration.

He and his mother are very close, he loves her, he knows she did the best she could, and that people make mistakes. You do better when you know better.


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

i dont think i have actually forgiven myself. my first 2 son's are circ'd and i made that decision based on my religious beliefs. i very much regret that and hope that they don't experience any of the many issues that are problematic with circ.

I cant take what i did back. Like the saying goes, when you learn better, you do better. I have 4 sons and the younger 2 are not circ'd.

It is NOT true that babies do not feel pain. It is not true that babies are better off being circ'd. i am a huge advocate now of leaving little boys intact and that is how i try to reconcile what i did. Devastated doesn't seem to convey how I felt when I read about the short-term and long-term effects of circumcision.

I cant take back that my first 2 sons are circ'd but what i can do is make sure that the parents out there that do not know to question circ'ing and what the medical profession spouts about it are giving CORRECT information. Thats what i can do to help other little boys. And then tell my sons about restoration.

Its a long hard road when you realize the truth. I learned it when coming here several years ago before son #3 was born. I ignored it for a long time. i refused to come to this forum for a long time b/c i wanted to stick my head in the sand. Eventually, i stopped doing that. Now I know better, so I do better. And try to reach out to other parents that want to also.


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## Fellow Traveler (Jan 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elioraimmanuel* 
Circumcision is not maiming for life. You made a choice and your son is not going to suffer for it. Forgive yourself and let it go. You are not a bad parent. Thankfully, your child will never have to suffer through adhesions, chronic infections and be cut at age 20. If he developed diabetis having had the foreskin removed will have prevented numerous complications.

The only part of this you got right was that the OP should forgive herself. She did make a mistake, we are all human so we all make mistakes. How she focuses that regret is the important thing, hopefully she will use her new found knowledge toward positive effect to warn and inform future parents.

How about those adhesions that a circumcised boy might develop, or Meatal ulcers/stenosis? I've never known anyone to get these 'chronic infections'. No European friends of mine have ever heard of this problem. Could it be that uneducated American medical personnel are causing them by trying to treat non-existent 'adhesions'?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elioraimmanuel* 
I have witnessed several infant circs as an RN and there was no stress on the babe except for the being naked and the dislike of not being in the fetal position for a few minutes. Forgive yourself and let it go.

I don't know one man, teenager who is scarred by his circ, but I know several grown and elderly men who have suffered horribly from not being circ'd.

Even if circumcision was completely painless it is simply unethical. That is what people have to learn. So you don't know any man or teen who doesn't like being circumcised? Well click here and meet one of many. And perhaps you could explain why we don't hear about these horrible problems in countries where they almost never circumcise.

ETA: As others have said, this is the Case Against Circumcision, you're certainly welcome to stay and contribute. You have a lot to learn so I hope you'll take up the challenge.


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