# would you read their diary?



## gypsymomma4 (Apr 17, 2008)

I know I used to hate it when my mother would read my diary, it was my only place to be private and it seemed that it never was, she would always confront me with whatever I had written, even if it was simple like, I didn't like what we had had for dinner, I learned early to not to write anything very important, until I got a locking breifcase in highschool.

My oldest is almost 14, and she has been very uncomunicative for awhile now. I have tried to talk to her, friends have talked to her, but she gets in these moods, where she just won't. I know alot of it is normal for her age, but I also fear part of it is lonliness, we homeschool, and aren't currently involved with a group here, because they are all faith based, and we don't fit in. there aren't any girls her age on our block, and I am not the type of mom who let my kids wander the streets. Her closest friend moved away a year and a half ago after her father died, and while they still talk on the phone and the computer, it isn't the same. Her two other friends live three hours away, so she only sees them about once every month to six weeks. she also has decided she has some issue with my DH, who isn't her bio-dad. Her bio-dad was my first husband and abandoned us when she was 18 mo. He has had no contact with her since she was five and doesn't want to be found.

anyway, she is always writing stories and things in various notebooks, when she is in the mood, she works on a role-play game to play with her brothers and her friends. Yesterday she left one of her notebooks on the sofa, and it fell open when my 2yo jumped up beside me. I read a little bit of it, and was rather hurt by some of what I read. I didn't tell my DH that I read it, and I haven't told my dd. I do feel guilty, like I invaded her privacy, but I can't figure out what to do now.

any advice is welcome.


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## 1growingsprout (Nov 14, 2005)

I wouldnt read it. You say you felt hurt by what she wrote, those are HER feelings and her viewpoints. She is 14 and has some private things to write down. Maybe she got up and forgot to come back for her book but thats not an open invitation for you to read.
My mother read my journal and it scarred me for life. I learned to be better at hiding not only my journal but my true feelings.

Do you think DD would benefit from a therpist or counselor. Possbily another mom who she looks up to? DD may j ust need to vent and get things off her chest.

please dont read anymore


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I think you should do your best to suck it up and let it go -- I would not mention it to her, and I'd endeavor not to do it again.


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## Petronella (Aug 22, 2007)

Letting it go was the right thing, for sure. DD has actually said a couple days ago,"If you and dad were the kind of parents who searched my room and censored my reading and stuff, I'd grow up hating you." Hugs, mama. I'm sure she didn't really mean what she wrote.


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## nolonger (Jan 18, 2006)

I did this to dd after she came home from a year living with her grandmother. I knew she had developed an ED and didn't know how bad it was, just that mine had never been addressed except to be ridiculed and that GM was making fun of DD too.

I saw some things I wish I hadn't seen too but don't feel like I have the right to be hurt since she never meant for me to read them.

I still don't know how she "caught" me or how I can help her with her food issues, but I do know that what I did was wrong. I apologized to her, almost lost her, and hope I have regained her trust over the course of the past two years.

I know this isn't the issue, but I strongly advise you to try to hook dd up with other homeschoolers, even if it is only online. My ds's reasons for running away from home to live with my ex and go to public school have nothing to do with academics and since homeschooling is "weird", the police did not enforce my custody order although it plainly states that I have the right to make educational decisions for my children without my ex's approval.

ds1 did come home because he wanted to, but exy has enrolled him in a military academy for a week this summer.









I feel like I could have prevented this if I had made more of an effort to address his loneliness and provided him with more positive peer interaction.


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## Ziggysmama (Dec 26, 2007)

Don't read the diary mama. It is such an invasion.
My dad has actively sought out my little sisters diary to read and then punished her for thing written in it. Not bad things but things written about our step-mom.
Its just so Orwellian.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

Please don't. I felt very violated and really shut down when my parents read mine.


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## AnessasNannyXoX (Apr 15, 2008)

Don't read it. That isn't right.

How would you feel if she read/went through your personal stuff?

If she ever found out, it would just make things worse, especially if she already is a little moody.
Why don't you talk to her about putting her in Public/Private School? That way she can meet friends. She should be having a social life right now, especially for her self-esteem it would be nice if she had a group of friends to go to to talk to and hang out with.
Or check a local school for after school clubs and talk with the principal to see if your daughter can maybe participate in a club..? That way she can still be homeschooled and once or twice a week she can go to the group club and hang out with people.
Maybe that would help her. Because to me, only hanging out with friends that little, is not good.

Stephanie


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I'd never read another persons diary regardless of circumstance.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

If I honestly thought something was really really wrong, I might. I wouldn't feel good about it but if she wouldn't talk to me then you know, fine, be mad, but if there's something really WRONG and I needed to know, I'd do what I had to do. That said, I'd try _everything in the world_ first up to and including, "I know you have a diary and I have never read it and do not want to but if you can't give me some clue as to what's wrong, it's hard not to consider the possibility" - it's honest and it's what I would be feeling. I'd rather say so than tip toe around and be sneaky.

Kids get mad at their parents and sometimes have harsh things to say/write - frankly, I'd really REALLY rather not know (as I remember my own intense but fleeting anger at my parents when I was growing up and how I could be so terribly, horribly angry and then love them intensely the next minute) so I'd avoid any diary reading _if at all possible_ just for my own self esteem







but if I thought something really bad was going on, I'd give her every chance then do it if I felt I had to









I am all about respecting privacy because I am a terribly private person, but I hate the thought that my dd might be dealing with something really big on her own and something awful happened when I had the informatin right there all along.

My mother found out my brother was seriously depressed when he was 12 or 13 by going through his locker at school. He wouldn't talk to her and it was really _really_ bad by the time she found out and got him some help (a lot of suicidal thoughts). At the time, I couldn't believe she could just disregard his privacy like that but we've talked about it since and he's forgiven her and said at the time he was mad, then relieved that someone was paying attention to his cry for help and getting him some help.

It's a complicated topic for me.


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## barefootpoetry (Jul 19, 2007)

I would never, ever do it. Ever.

I was a prolific writer as a teen - I used to write all sorts of fanfic, short stories, even a series of novellas that I worked on off and on throughout middle and high school. This was before the day of blogs, so this was my outlet for my writing. My mother would find my writings and ridicule me. She'd make fun of what I wrote. If I was typing on the computer, she'd sneak in behind me and look over my shoulder and start reading out loud what I was writing in a really obnoxious voice. But then again, she was very nosy in all sorts of ways...I never had anything to hide, but I started putting padlocks on my door because I was sick of her going through my stuff all the time. (which was pointless, because she'd just get a screwdriver and unscrew the locks)

To this day I can't keep a journal or any sort of writing without eventually destroying it. I'm too afraid of someone finding it and making fun of it. I can't write with someone in the same room - I'm so paranoid that they'll be looking over my shoulder, even if they're clear on the other side of the room. I'm not sure why I just told you all this little story...but to make a long post short, I'd rather die than do that to my child. I know none of you would go to the level that my mother did, but nevertheless, diaries are PRIVATE. There's no excuse for going through someone's personal stuff.


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## Mamato2and2 (Apr 7, 2006)

When I read the title of this thread, I thought, "yes, I would"...we have been having some pot smoking and more recently a tiny bit of alcohol issues...so I think at this point I might read my dd1's diary if she had one, just to find out where she might need help. I would NOT punish her for anything in it (I don't punish her for anything that I ask about and she gives an honest answer--so this would be kinda along those same lines) and I don't think I would tell her I read it.

HOWEVER, your situation is soooo much different. I would NOT read her diary if I were you after reading your post. Good luck, hang in there, it sounds like she might just be going through a little rough point-not to mention all the teenage girl hormones that seem to make them a little strange at times!!!


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## lunasmommy (Jun 30, 2005)

I was the teen who had parents that read my private diaries, searched my room and so on, and as such I say DONT DO IT!


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I think the whole if I have a good enough reason is just a cop out.

If you really think your kid is suicidal or at immediate risk then you sure as heck need to be doing something other than reading their diary. Get them professional help.


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## KaraBoo (Nov 22, 2001)

no way woud I read her diary.


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## Ruth S (Mar 27, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I think the whole if I have a good enough reason is just a cop out.

If you really think your kid is suicidal or at immediate risk then you sure as heck need to be doing something other than reading their diary. Get them professional help.

It's not always as easy as this.

Someone I know has beaten himself up daily for 10 years because he did not read his daughter's diary so could not try to prevent her suicide, with a shotgun, in their kitchen. He thought he was doing the right thing by respecting her privacy and did not realize the extent of her depression. Teens are very good at hiding things; parents can be very good at denial.


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## panamama (Dec 2, 2006)

i know i am in the minority, but i would and did when DS was exhibiting behaviour that scared the crap out of me a few years ago. as a result of both his behaviour and what i read, we got counseling and made a lot of changes and things are much better now, so i wouldn't....now. but i'm glad i did, then. either way, i do believe that being hurt or emotionally reacting to reading someone's private thoughts is not wise b/c as some other posters have said, it was not meant for you to see.

i'd also like to share this little story...

just a few weeks ago we were doing a massive cleaning/purging of the house and when we got to DS' room there was a large amount of old school stuff from a few years ago in his closet. we made 2 piles and went through it together, keeping some papers but tossing most. in the pile i was sifting, there were a few notes that had been passed back & forth b/w him and his friends in class. some had inappropriate stuff that teens tend to talk about and others contained stuff about me. specifically, DS said (wrote), "i hate her", "i can't stand her", and "i'm going to ask if i can move w/ my grandma or dad." i laughed as i read the notes b/c _thankfully_, they are laughable now and that time is but a memory to us. DS aked what was so funny and i passed them to him. he laughed too and said, "wow, i was really angry at the world, huh?"







he blushed a little about the inappropriate notes, but laughed about those too. no issues with what i read.


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

I would and I don't care if someone would judge it has a cop out. I don't answer to (general!) you. If needed, I would peek.


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

Well, IMO you did invade her privacy and you need to let it go. Not everyone is going to always have nice things to say or think about you, even your own children. So you were hurt by what you read, you're an adult you can handle it. I never trusted my mom much to begin with, but when she started the diary and notes-from-school invasion crap whatever trust I had really went out the window. Unless my kids are showing up at the dinner table visibly high on drugs and/or failing suddenly in school and otherwise acting strangely, I will not read their diaries. I think its a very unwise thing to do.


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## alllyssa (Sep 1, 2004)

If you're only reading it to see how she's feeling, you don't suspect she's doing anything dangerous, I wouldn't. If you thought your daughter was engaging in any sort of risky behavior like sex or drugs - I wouldn't hesitate or think you were wrong for reading it at all.

BTW, I strongly suggest you get her involved in some activities so that she can make some friends. She's way too isolated.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

I wouldn't read it unless she is to the point of depression or acting seriously disturbed like she may be suicidal. Otherwise, she likely has her own reasons for being quiet and off to herself. I think all kids go through that phase. I know I put lots of private stuff and feelings in my diary. I would have died if my parents read it. Maybe they did but I never knew if they did or not.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alllyssa* 
BTW, I strongly suggest you get her involved in some activities so that she can make some friends. She's way too isolated.

why? because she is homeschooled? There are a lot of H/S children who live so far out that they can not see other children on a regular basis. This child has siblings to interact with. I highly doubt being H/S is making her this way. Besides, if she *were* pushed to be around kids her age she'd be more likely to start experimenting with drugs, skipping school, trying hard to fit in with other girls, dealing with mean girls, experimenting with sex, the list goes on. How would that make things better to put her out with other kids her age?


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## ewins24 (May 16, 2006)

I know I maybe in the minority here but I would read it. If you felt it would help to get back on track then go ahead. I've only read DD's (14) diary a few times when I was concerned about her. I never told her that I read it but it did help me to help her. I do it so that I can help protect her. She does know that I read her emails every once in a while and check on her myspace account all the time. I do tell her every time I'm going to check on her. And she knows why I do it. It doesn't upset her. She will even tell me if someone sent her something inappropriate.

We are very open. Although, if she says "Mom can you not read this email or this message on myspace /c its personal." I don't do it. I know some of her friends say things to her they don't want me to know.

This is what works for our family but everyone has to do what they feel is righ tfor THEIR family.

Good luck sweetie. Raising teenagers is hard work.


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## kennedy444 (Aug 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alllyssa* 

BTW, I strongly suggest you get her involved in some activities so that she can make some friends. She's way too isolated.

Agree!
She does sound like she needs some friends around. This is the age where a good friend or two (or more) are so important.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruth S* 
It's not always as easy as this.

Someone I know has beaten himself up daily for 10 years because he did not read his daughter's diary so could not try to prevent her suicide, with a shotgun, in their kitchen. He thought he was doing the right thing by respecting her privacy and did not realize the extent of her depression. Teens are very good at hiding things; parents can be very good at denial.

There is no reason to believe that reading the diary would have changed the outcome. If he thought something was bad enough that he was considering reading her diary then that is enough to take action.


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## bvnms (Apr 29, 2008)

When I was a teenager, I was doing some things (not anything illegal) but stuff I look back now and wish my mom had read my diary to stop me. Though she probably wasn't that interested so long as she didn't have to deal with my brothers. I feel like with Steph, especially, I have been so blessed in that she tells me everything that's going on in her life, so I probably wouldn't read her diary.


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## stayinghome (Jul 4, 2002)

2 years ago my oldest dd was really, really acting out. I read her diary and found out some things that were very concerning. I was able to fix some situations- get her help for something, restrict seeing this one friend who i kind of suspected was a not so good influence, etc. I don't regret it in the least. And she does know i read it. I told her i was concerned about her and needed to find out what was going on, since she was shutting us out.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
why? because she is homeschooled? There are a lot of H/S children who live so far out that they can not see other children on a regular basis. This child has siblings to interact with. I highly doubt being H/S is making her this way.

My DH was homeschooled, and was very isolated in the middle of nowhere, and yes he had siblings. I do think that it made life difficult and contributed to depression that more effort was not made to get him around people, any people, on a regular basis. Isolation is a horrible thing for a teen to go through.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
Besides, if she *were* pushed to be around kids her age she'd be more likely to start experimenting with drugs, skipping school, trying hard to fit in with other girls, dealing with mean girls, experimenting with sex, the list goes on. How would that make things better to put her out with other kids her age?

No one said she should be pushed to be with kids her age. There are lots of activities that she could do with people of all ages. What about community service, dance classes, bowling leagues, etc?

And of course, not all interactions that could happen with kids her age would have to end up like that.

Do you live in a particularly bad town that she's not allowed off your own block by herself? That seems awfully restrictive for a 13 year old.


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## onlygirls (Mar 16, 2008)

I wonder if she left it out on purpose? When I was 14 I had a diary that I bought and hid from my mother because I wanted it to be private. There is no way I would leave it out on accident.

Not saying you should have read it. Just thinking that if she felt very strongly about her feelings and what she wrote, she wouldn't leave it around like a magazine.


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## alllyssa (Sep 1, 2004)

"but I also fear part of it is lonliness, we homeschool, and aren't currently involved with a group here, because they are all faith based, and we don't fit in. there aren't any girls her age on our block, and I am not the type of mom who let my kids wander the streets. Her closest friend moved away a year and a half ago after her father died, and while they still talk on the phone and the computer, it isn't the same. Her two other friends live three hours away, so she only sees them about once every month to six weeks. she also has decided she has some issue with my DH, who isn't her bio-dad."

That's why I think she needs to get involved in some activities and meet some new friends. Who wouldn't be depressed if you're your only friends lived hours away, you didn't get along with your dad, and your little brothers were your only companions?


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## Bellejar (Oct 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
why? because she is homeschooled? There are a lot of H/S children who live so far out that they can not see other children on a regular basis. This child has siblings to interact with. I highly doubt being H/S is making her this way. Besides, if she *were* pushed to be around kids her age she'd be more likely to start experimenting with drugs, skipping school, trying hard to fit in with other girls, dealing with mean girls, experimenting with sex, the list goes on. How would that make things better to put her out with other kids her age?


This sounds really defensive, it sounds like from her mom's posts that she needs some friends. I would never read a diary.

Would you want your husband, or children reading all of your MDC posts? I probably wouldn't care if they asked but if they decided they needed to without asking I would feel really violated. I also agree that if she seems unhappy, especially with her step father, therapy might be helpful. I remember writing alot at this age and it was just venting. I am sure my parents never read my diary but if they had I would be really unhappy.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

I wouldn't read the diary. My mother made a habit of invading my privacy, reading my letters diary, searching my drawers. It affected our relationship in a long lasting way.


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## ewins24 (May 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
I wouldn't read the diary. My mother made a habit of invading my privacy, reading my letters diary, searching my drawers. It affected our relationship in a long lasting way.

Can I ask you do you think that if your Mom had been honest about when she was reading things would have had a better impact on your relationship? I'm really not trying to be snarky at all here, I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better Mom. Like I sd in my previous post that I do read some of DD's stuff (she is 14) but I always let her know when I'm going to check up on her. And really I don't read it just skim over things. The only time I've read read was when she was struggling and I needed to help her. Thanks for answering me and helping me.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

i wouldnt read it.

A diary to me was a way to get out many of my irrational, angry, personal thoughts... to get them on paper and face them and deal.

Reading words that someone writes in the thick of emotion is wrong.

I can think of numerous times where I would write things like, "I cant go on living without him, I would rather be dead" or "I hate her she's a ____ and ____ and ____"... Im sure that if someone read my old journals now they would have put me in therapy and moved me away from certain friends, etc... but I was never actually suicidal, I just had the thoughts.

There were also times when I wrote things to simply write them, wrote poetry about other people, news stories, etc.

Reading those things you might think I had an eating disorder, been molested, beaten, etc.

You cannot appropriately interpret someone's words that were never meANt for you to read.

its not right to invade someones space like that.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ewins24* 
Can I ask you do you think that if your Mom had been honest about when she was reading things would have had a better impact on your relationship? I'm really not trying to be snarky at all here, I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better Mom. Like I sd in my previous post that I do read some of DD's stuff (she is 14) but I always let her know when I'm going to check up on her. And really I don't read it just skim over things. The only time I've read read was when she was struggling and I needed to help her. Thanks for answering me and helping me.









She was quite upfront about it and made it clear that I could have no expectation of any privacy while under her roof. She opened my mail, felt free to read anything she found in my room, and if I had any objection, that was "proof I must be up to something". "Something" in her eyes meant sex.

I left home at 18, but was expected to return at the weekends like a "good girl". I did go home a couple of times a month. Into my 20s, she would search my bag when my back was turned looking for evidence of wrongdoing. I eventually left the country, and later left the continent.

She thought this made her a "good mother". I disagree. For some reason, she did not treat my siblings in that way. Funny enough, it was my sister who was having the wild times and sex, not me. Of course, when she got pregnant at 16, my mother blamed me. Families are strange.

I have 2 DDs. I will never invade their privacy.


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

Owie, Choli. That sounds like big sister syndrome! Sucks. I'm sorry you had that experience.

I think if a parent TRULY thinks their child is at risk, AND the child has anti-social behaviour restricting information coming to the parent (through discussion, friends, counselor, etc.), then I WOULD read personal papers. I've worked in crisis centers lots, and teens can be notoriously angry people - that's not the issue (and if it is, drop it). The issue is the safety of your teen. If they are with people who are negatively affecting their lives, doing things that risk their life or health, then you MUST be the parent and give them an opportunity to get out of the relationships that are harming them. If they continue to choose those activities or whatever, you make choices as a family. Money is often the ringer - can you get your teen to safety w/out it costing an arm and a leg? It can be heard, depending on how angry/demented they get!







I was a VERY angry and VERY demented (and very dangerous) teen. I got super lucky and eventually found myself in a circle of friends who were actually getting their crap together, seriously reshaping their lives, and it became easy for me to do that with them (besides, I was in my 20's). Had my parents read my journals, they would have read a lot of stuff bornering on suicide, about my sex life, and about my drug/drinking use. Would it have made a diff? I gotta say that the path I ended up on worked the best for me, having them read that stuff and put me into some kind of institution (or worse, make me move back home!), well I think that would've been the END for me!

As far as having read something that hurt your feelings, there is NOTHING you should do about that. NOTHING. Confronting her about putting her feelings down in a place she considers safe is seriously wrong.

And yeah, I'd also look for activities that she WANTS to do, things she enjoys and can meet other people, people of all and any age. Scouts have juliettes - she can do some stuff w/other scouts, and not everything. Volunteering is a GREAT way for her to meet other people. Food banks, Sal. Army, hospitals, and local libraries all take in volunteers in varrying capacities. Look into it! What about sports? Town teams are EVERYWHERE - softball, soccer, tennis, swimming, etc. Or a running or cycling club? Maybe a mother daughter reading club through your local library?

Good luck mama - it's a hard age, for SURE!


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## LauraN (May 18, 2004)

When I was 17, I wrote a letter to my best friend describing my first sexual experience.

My grandmother found the letter (she had to have been searching my room--it was not out where it could be found accidentally) and then told my dad that I was having sex.

My dad told her that he trusted me to be responsible and that if I wanted him to know about it I would tell him myself and that she should stay out of my room.

I didn't know this for years afterward, but I did know that my dad knew about the letter and respected my privacy enough not to say anything about it.

I'm very close to my dad and never trusted my grandmother again.

I would not use the diary as a window into her mood swings. I would try talking to her, offer counseling, have regular "dates" with her to encourage openness, and yes, help her find some friends if that's what she's craving.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I say the link for this on the main board and though my daughter isn't this age yet so I can't say for sure what I'd do I wanted to say that if this is your daughter's only outlet for expressing herself right now then don't read it and don't confront her on it. When I was younger I went through a few really tramatic events and I was a socially isolated child and my diary was my only outlet where I felt safe to write and after my parents read my diary I had nowhere to write and internalized everything. If you read some things that lead you to believe that you need to change things then act on that without letting her know you read her private thoughts. It is also possible to have her see a counselor on the excuse that she seems to be isolated a lot and depressed without telling her that you read something leading you to believe she will kill herself.


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## ewins24 (May 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
She was quite upfront about it and made it clear that I could have no expectation of any privacy while under her roof. She opened my mail, felt free to read anything she found in my room, and if I had any objection, that was "proof I must be up to something". "Something" in her eyes meant sex.

I left home at 18, but was expected to return at the weekends like a "good girl". I did go home a couple of times a month. Into my 20s, she would search my bag when my back was turned looking for evidence of wrongdoing. I eventually left the country, and later left the continent.

She thought this made her a "good mother". I disagree. For some reason, she did not treat my siblings in that way. Funny enough, it was my sister who was having the wild times and sex, not me. Of course, when she got pregnant at 16, my mother blamed me. Families are strange.

I have 2 DDs. I will never invade their privacy.

Oh sweetie, I'm so very sorry. I hope I didn't open up old wounds. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so honest with me and not putting me down, I really appreciate it. I'm going to sit down and really really talk with my DD abut how it makes her feel when I check up on her email and myspace. I truly hope she is not feeling like you sd you did and if she does then I have a lot of work to do with her feelings. I don't search her things when she comes home or go through her room looking for ammunition (for lack of a better word). I just want to keep her safe but maybe I'm doing it wrong.

Thanks again for being so honest with me.


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## ewins24 (May 16, 2006)

mamabeca;11184464
As far as having read something that hurt your feelings said:


> I have to say when I read that DD was so mad at me and that she hated me I wanted to be so upset and confront her but I knew that would make it worse. I had a good cry about the way she was feeling and then worked to help her through those feelings. We are much closer since I didn't confront her and just talked about other things.


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## Delacroix (Aug 4, 2005)

Once, under extreme duress (worried about one of my daughters) I read her dairy. What I found there was confirmation that my daughter was struggling with an eating disorder. We caught it before it became a full blown, deep seeded behavior, all because I read her diary.

I used to feel very differently about these kinds of privacy issues but now I say, get all of the information you can any way you can. No matter how open the lines of communication, some of the most important things they have to tell you are things that they just can't bring themselves to say.

Having said that, I also want to add that whatever we might read that might hurt us, needs to be left alone. They don't need to be guilted over it, IYKWIM.


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## Petronella (Aug 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
She was quite upfront about it and made it clear that I could have no expectation of any privacy while under her roof. She opened my mail, felt free to read anything she found in my room, and if I had any objection, that was "proof I must be up to something". "Something" in her eyes meant sex.

I left home at 18, but was expected to return at the weekends like a "good girl". I did go home a couple of times a month. Into my 20s, she would search my bag when my back was turned looking for evidence of wrongdoing. I eventually left the country, and later left the continent.

She thought this made her a "good mother". I disagree. For some reason, she did not treat my siblings in that way. Funny enough, it was my sister who was having the wild times and sex, not me. Of course, when she got pregnant at 16, my mother blamed me. Families are strange.

I have 2 DDs. I will never invade their privacy.

Oh my GOD.







I know it's years too late, but still,


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## Moonprysm (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
She was quite upfront about it and made it clear that I could have no expectation of any privacy while under her roof. She opened my mail, felt free to read anything she found in my room, and if I had any objection, that was "proof I must be up to something". "Something" in her eyes meant sex.

I left home at 18, but was expected to return at the weekends like a "good girl". I did go home a couple of times a month. Into my 20s, she would search my bag when my back was turned looking for evidence of wrongdoing. I eventually left the country, and later left the continent.

She thought this made her a "good mother". I disagree. For some reason, she did not treat my siblings in that way. Funny enough, it was my sister who was having the wild times and sex, not me. Of course, when she got pregnant at 16, my mother blamed me. Families are strange.

I have 2 DDs. I will never invade their privacy.

*hugs* I had the same issue with my mother. When the school councilor called her to tell her that I was cutting myself, she went through every personal thing that I owned. And it made it a million times worse. I hated my life, and the things that she did made me hate it even more. It wasn't until I was actually honest with her once (despite promising me my whole life that if I was always honest about things, I'd never get in trouble) about my sexuality that she decided to stay out of my personal life. She grounded me for over a year, and didn't want to know any more. Except she would still stick her nose in my business and then get mad because she didn't want to know it. From dropping in on my phone conversations (I had a balcony off my bedroom that was also accessable from the other room, and I'd go out there to talk and she'd stand at the other door and listen until she heard something that made her mad and I'd be grounded for longer), reading notes I passed in school, ect. And I got in trouble for it every time.

I talk to my mom once every few months if she's lucky. I would never ever do that to my child.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

NO, NO, NO, AND NO. Unless I thought my teen was in serious danger there is NO way I would ever violate their trust like that.


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## gypsymomma4 (Apr 17, 2008)

"Do you live in a particularly bad town that she's not allowed off your own block by herself? That seems awfully restrictive for a 13 year old."

We live on the main street in town, it is very busy road. while we don't have a terribly high crime rate here, there are some things I refuse to take chances with. I don't and won't allow her to go places alone. A walk with a friend is one thing, there is some safety in numbers.

I think I picked the wrong title for this thread though. I know that reading a diary is an invasion of privacy, and would only purposly look for one to read if I felt it was a matter of life and death, I only read what I read of hers, because I thought it was her story notebook-which she likes for me to read, and give her some input on-like ideas for what could come next, or suggestions, on where to find ideas to add to the setting. When I said I was hurt, it was more that I felt I was failling her in some way, that she felt so angry about somethings. I knew she was upset that I am still talking to my mother-my mother said some awful things to her last summer, about me, and our family. I don't know how to explain that to her.

I probably also should of put my concerns about her social interactions in a separate thread, but I felt that it was part of the issue. I know she has a crush on a boy, I wasn't at all suprised to see his name in her diary, and I didn't read that page- I don't need to. They are at the hate eachother, because they like eachother stage, and the only thing that scares me, is that I know his parents are way, way,,more lax than I will ever be, and in some ways I really don't approve of.

With regards to activities for her, I would love to get her more involved with things but she has to have some gumption for follow through as well, and she doesn't always.

I do make time to just do stuff with her, and with four kids that isn't always easy, and I have always done what I could to let all my kids know that they can talk to me about anything, and I can listen without getting mad. wether its that they don't think they have enough time to play, or that they think one is getting more attention than another. In fact just me and her are going to the symphony on friday.


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## chiromamma (Feb 24, 2003)

Don't say anything to her! She sounds totally normal.
Forgive yourself for reading it & brush off the things she wrote.
I encourage my kids to keep a journal so they can cuss me out on paper and not to my face. We all feel those feelings about our loved ones and are entitled to express them without hurting people.
Is she involved in sports or theater or anything?
That's a great way for kids to connect. I know how sports and activities for 4 kids can add up. We have 3 kids. But we recently made it a priority in our budget to have each kid in one sport a season. We also made it non-negotiable that they choose one to try and stick with it for the season. The boys like team sports, DD does not. All have found sports that they like and feel good about improving in.


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## gypsymomma4 (Apr 17, 2008)

I know what you mean about stuff adding up. for three, my youngest is only two so she doesn't need any classes yet, story time at the library, and play time with our friends with similar age little ones are enough. We do all play a live action role play sport-its medieval based with padded swords, and archery. She likes it when those similar to her age are out, including the boy I mentioned that she likes, but she doesn't always. we have all agreed that it has been taking about to much of our time, and we need to branch out and do some different stuff. I talked to her about some summer camp stuff, as we try and get each kid at least one week every summer, more if we can afford it, and she is excited about an acting camp this year, and another sewing camp. I also found a highschool homeschooling social group for her, which does some academic clubs, and some strictly social activities, so she is going to try that out as well. I think getting a break from her brothers will help, and I hope that she will learn a little bit from being around some others.


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## twilight girl (Mar 7, 2002)

I would read it. But the only way I would confront her with it is if there was something potentially harmful to her or someone else. If she is not communicating, you can at least get a window on what's going on with her.

I don't think teenagers have a reasonable expectation to privacy. We have a job, which is to get them to adulthood alive, and hopefully not too terribly altered. If the only way to do that is invading their privacy, so be it.


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## Maggirayne (Mar 6, 2007)

Since keeping communication with her open is one of your concerns, what if you had a special journal the two of you shared?

I journaled a lot as a teen and a (very) few times wrote letters to my mom when I couldn't talk. At times I was angry, was so emotional I couldn't verbally explain, but I wanted her understanding and empathy. She said she couldn't read my writing and didn't really try, which made me feel worthless. But if she'd viewed it as a way to communicate with me, wow, our relationship now would be hugely better. A ton of my anger towards her is because I feel invalidated.

So a lot of my story, but I just thought it might be a way for you to communicate when she gets moody, since she is comfortable writing her thoughts and feelings down. But I think it would be a neat way to share things you see her doing ( playing with brothers, noticing guys, and open up to more serious things.

These journals look totally neat to me, I keep thinking I should get my mom one.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Maggirayne* 
Since keeping communication with her open is one of your concerns, what if you had a special journal the two of you shared?

I journaled a lot as a teen and a (very) few times wrote letters to my mom when I couldn't talk. At times I was angry, was so emotional I couldn't verbally explain, but I wanted her understanding and empathy. She said she couldn't read my writing and didn't really try, which made me feel worthless. But if she'd viewed it as a way to communicate with me, wow, our relationship now would be hugely better. A ton of my anger towards her is because I feel invalidated.

So a lot of my story, but I just thought it might be a way for you to communicate when she gets moody, since she is comfortable writing her thoughts and feelings down. But I think it would be a neat way to share things you see her doing ( playing with brothers, noticing guys, and open up to more serious things.

These journals look totally neat to me, I keep thinking I should get my mom one.

I love this idea! and those journals look wonderful ... I started looking at the Mom one and wish that I had done something like that with my mom before she died... now I'm gonna cry ...


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## llamalluv (Aug 24, 2007)

No, I absolutely would not read her diary. I kept one for a brief period of time when I was a tween, and later burned it, because my sister got hold of it and "shared it" at school. There were some things I had written that, at the time, were VERY embarrassing to me. I really feel that the whole incident contributed to my sometimes callous attitudes towards people.

However, if she has short stories that she writes, related to her RPGs, I would ASK to read those. Show a genuine interest.


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## Carma (Feb 10, 2006)

If you feel there is something wrong why do you still need to read the diary? You can already try to help when you suspect something is off, why do you need to know the specifics via invading their privacy?
Can't that only make things worse?

Carma


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Delacroix* 
Once, under extreme duress (worried about one of my daughters) I read her dairy. What I found there was confirmation that my daughter was struggling with an eating disorder. We caught it before it became a full blown, deep seeded behavior, all because I read her diary.

I used to feel very differently about these kinds of privacy issues but now I say, get all of the information you can any way you can. No matter how open the lines of communication, some of the most important things they have to tell you are things that they just can't bring themselves to say.

Having said that, I also want to add that whatever we might read that might hurt us, needs to be left alone. They don't need to be guilted over it, IYKWIM.

I also read my daughter's diary. She was going through emotional problems/was making some small "suicide attempts" and was hospitalized.

she expressed a lot of anger about my drinking problems and, even though it was wrong to read it, it helped me to see something that she had never expressed to me directly.


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## Venice Mamacita (Dec 24, 2003)

My mother read my diary because she was convinced I was doing drugs (I wasn't). She didn't find what she thought she would, but was extremely upset about the things I'd written about her. She always swore she'd never read my diary, and like an idiot I believed her. It completely destroyed whatever trust there was in our relationship, and that lack of trust continues to this day. When I told her what was really going on -- that I was coming to terms with being sexually abused by her brother at the age of 3 and her sister from age 7 to 13 -- she didn't believe me.

My mother's love is extremely conditional -- I'm worthy of it only when I do the things she wants -- and I've known that my whole life.

I moved out as early as possible and never looked back. I've also never felt safe keeping a diary or journal again.

My children's privacy is sacred. They need a place to express their feelings -- even nasty ones about me -- honestly and safely. If I'm ever so worried about one of them that I have the urge to invade their privacy, and we're not able to have an honest conversation about what's going on, we'll go to family therapy instead.


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## shuvani (May 21, 2008)

This is a topic that should generate much response. I have read my 16 year old daughter's journal when she has acted in ways that are inappropriate or confusing.

The first time I did this, I read something that was difficult for me to accept, but I realized at the time that I had made the decision to open the can of worms & invade her privacy.

I decided that if I was going to read it, I had to remember that I WAS in fact, invading her privacy, and that I had no right to get mad at her over the things she writes. These are her thoughts, & hers alone. A teen's journal is an record of feelings, thoughts, poems, artwork, and even admissions of guilt. I personally believe that you should never confront your teen on what is in it, but rather, find creative ways in which to bring up similar topics in the hope that they may discuss these issues with you as a parent.

If you read something that hurts your feelings, control your response to it.

Example: "Mom was such a ***** today. She never lets me do anything. All my friends get to stay out until 2am & she makes me come in at midnight. That's so not fair. **** her. I'll do whatever I want. She can kiss my ***."

As a mom, being called names & knowing that she has an unrealistic opinion of what is and is not appropriate for a girl her age, I have to think about how I am going to approach this without her knowing that I peeked. Her journal is a very valuable resource, & if I want to be aware of what she's doing when she doesn't want to talk to me, I need to do things like casually bring up stories I saw on TV about this teen who never came home & was found murdered, or that girl who was out with friends & was killed by a drunk driver...whatever.

I have, in fact, told her that I will never read it unless something comes up & I have to. She still writes in her journal, and anytime I have concerns about mood swings, or the people she is hanging out with, or whatever, I read it. But I only use it as a tool to help my daughter to see that I love her and that she can talk to me without being judged.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.

~Shuvani


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## MayBaby2007 (Feb 22, 2007)

I vote DON'T read it. It is her private thoughts. My mom used to do it to me too and it's just not right. I'd get in trouble for things I wrote--even got the belt at a few times if she was PO'd enough about what I wrote. Talk to her...but don't read the diary.

Sharing a journal like Maggirayne suggested sounds like a really great idea. I know it's easier for me to talk about things via email or PM than in person. You should def give this a try.


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## mrsfrenchy (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lunasmommy* 
I was the teen who had parents that read my private diaries, searched my room and so on, and as such I say DONT DO IT!









:
My parents did the same (and it started early--when I was 10 or so & without me ever betraying their trust-so they had no "reason" to warrant such a search).

I ended up moving out of the house at 17 and it has taken me several years to get anywhere close to having a normal relationship with them.

Don't tell her you read it. Try your best to let it go.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Depend on the situation............

My dh had his room searched, once becuase he was working a lot but had no money and always in his room if he was home. His mom and dad found his book station. When he got home his mom and dad both apologizing for thinking the worse. At the time he got mad then he realized the only reason they did it was because they were worried and he wasn't talking.

He admits now why things seem so extreme to his parents. So I can't say NO but it would have to be pretty damn extreme for me to read or search the room. Like I am worried for her life.

In your situation I would let it go.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruth S* 
Someone I know has beaten himself up daily for 10 years because he did not read his daughter's diary so could not try to prevent her suicide, with a shotgun, in their kitchen. He thought he was doing the right thing by respecting her privacy and did not realize the extent of her depression. Teens are very good at hiding things; parents can be very good at denial.

I was on the opposite side of this coin. Years ago my parents thought I was a suicidal teen and they had me committed to a mental health center. While I was away they started to read all my diaries and stories. Back then I wrote stuff that would get a kid expelled from school now days. (fictional school bombings and stuff). I also wrote a story about running away and killing myself in some big dramatic manner.

Well this all got brought up in therapy and I felt so hurt and betrayed. I wasn't suicidal, but I was disturbed. I wasn't homicidal, but I loved to write. All my stories were pure creative writing, but due to their invasion of my privacy, I still have nightmares from being held captive in the mental health center. In regards to the diary, I still feel a little violated today.

Another result is I destroyed all my diaries, short stories and never wrote fiction again.

To answer the orgional poster's question, "No, I would never read my kids diaries."


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

If I thought she was in serious trouble, I might read it. Otherwise I'd try other communication techniques. Since you need to build trust to have open communication, I would only read the diary as a last resort and only if I suspected dangerous problems.

So, in your case, no.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

hi,

i don't have a teen or a preteen, but the title of your thread caught my eye. i've not read the replies here, but i wanted to share my experience. my mom read my diary when i was 16. i was literally devastated. yes, it was filled with lots of insight as to what i was actually doing in my life & she sure found out A LOT about me.....but in a way that felt incredibly invasive and totally insensitive. i was a terrible teenager. i mean big time TROUBLED TEEN! but my mom's approach didn't make it better at all. i'll be 37 in a few weeks, and i still have trouble keeping a diary. my mom and i are best friends today - so i did forgive her & get over it....but i still remember how much that hurt me. i would say if you want to know what's going on your dd's life - find another way other than this. hugs mama.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
why? because she is homeschooled?

No, because the mother is concerned that the young lady is lonely. Odds are if the mother's gut says her daughter is lonely then her daughter needs a social outlet.

It has nothing to do with homeschooling, it has to do with loneliness.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alllyssa* 
That's why I think she needs to get involved in some activities and meet some new friends. Who wouldn't be depressed if you're your only friends lived hours away, you didn't get along with your dad, and your little brothers were your only companions?

I agree. I went to public high school, but I had a horrible time making friends. I didn't fit in so I was incredibly lonely also. I am so thankful my kids are doing better than I did at their age.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ewins24* 
Can I ask you do you think that if your Mom had been honest about when she was reading things would have had a better impact on your relationship? I'm really not trying to be snarky at all here, I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better Mom. Like I sd in my previous post that I do read some of DD's stuff (she is 14) but I always let her know when I'm going to check up on her. And really I don't read it just skim over things. The only time I've read read was when she was struggling and I needed to help her. Thanks for answering me and helping me.









You weren't asking me, but I wanted to reply anyhow.

No. My mom was honest when she read my diaries and short stories. In fact she brought all my diaries to the mental health center they had me committed in. I felt horribly violated due to what she did.

Now tht I have kids, I understand why mom was so worried. Honestly though, I think it is better to work on talking than work on sneaking around like a secret agent.

I was a troubled teen in that I was lonely and depressed. I was not suicidal or homicidal which is what they thought when I was committed. They didn't understand me so they assumed the worse. My short stories didn't help matters. If they had not invaded my privacy then I am certain it would have been a lot easier for them to trust me when I said that I wasn't going to kill myself.


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Gosh, I would hesitate unless you are truly worried about her safety. Even then I would ask permission and explain why I wanted to read it. At least it would start a conversation. My mom grew up in a 2 bed house with 3 sisters and 2 brothers, so privacy was a huge issue for her, so I learned to really value privacy from her. My 2nd step dad (who was part of my life for 11 years 8-19) did *not* and tore into my room many times and it was so devastating. Developing and encouraging communication is so important to me and I try really hard with my kids. sometimes my daughter won't talk much, and I write her letters about what I'm feeling for her, what I'm worried about, what I worry about in the future & why it's so important to me that we can talk freely. I ask if there is anything I can do to make it easier. I tell her she can talk to me about anything and I will do my best not to judge her and support her in the way she needs. Then I let her come to me if she wants. A lot of times she does come to me now that I've done it a few times. She is only 7.5, but she is having early development and at the same she kept getting poop in her pants. It took *forever* to figure out the problem because she was so embarrassed to talk about it. I just couldn't tell if it was emotional or biological at first. It turned out to be an allergy issue. Anyway, I know my daughter isn't really a teen yet, but her body is developing and she is getting a lot of the same feelings, so I am trying to keep up and keep our communication in good shape. HTH a little?


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alllyssa* 
I strongly suggest you get her involved in some activities so that she can make some friends. She's way too isolated.

Yes, this! By mom's own report, she is a 14 year old with no friends other than ones hours away? I am blown away that anyone thinks this is acceptable. Does she want to go to school? If so, I'd let her. If not, I'd sign her up for a variety of activities with kids her age. 14 or 44, we need friends. Other people who are where we are right now, who we can feel understand us. Parents and siblings are wonderful - but they don't make up for no friends!









Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommy68* 
why? because she is homeschooled? There are a lot of H/S children who live so far out that they can not see other children on a regular basis. This child has siblings to interact with. I highly doubt being H/S is making her this way. Besides, if she *were* pushed to be around kids her age she'd be more likely to start experimenting with drugs, skipping school, trying hard to fit in with other girls, dealing with mean girls, experimenting with sex, the list goes on. How would that make things better to put her out with other kids her age?

I am just.... sad that this is your impression of having friends. Homeschool or don't, but kids need friends.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Slightly different perspective here...

When i was 20 my mum called to tell me my SISTER read my DAD'S diary. My sister is his step-daughter, and is 16 years older than me. My Dad was keeping a diary on the instruction of his psychologist. He was having cognitive behavioural therapy for the troubles in his past.

He was not very flattering about my sister in the diary. In real life he was supporting her financially (she wasn't working) including paying huge phone bills for her. My mother was terminally ill and not working and his was the sole income. He was under a LOT of stress and pressure, but he was not visiting it on them, instead working through it in therapy and putting it in the diary where it couldn't hurt anyone.

My mother called anyway, and said "what should i do, he was really mean!" and i said "i think you should tell my sister if she ever does it again she will be asked to leave and never never tell him, he would be incredibly hurt if he knew." My mum said "WHAT?!" and i foolishly repeated myself. She didn't speak to me for nearly 2 months for that. She wanted me to take sides against him. She must have forgotten she raised me to have high morals. Go figure. The whole episode made me SO glad i never kept a diary as a teenager.

I would never read a diary. Never. No matter what. You know, after she died Mum's diary was passed around my sister and some other siblings (she got it out of the house before Dad had chance to look for it and hide it) and surprise surprise, it TOO had unflattering things about my sister (and no doubt the rest of us) in it. Diaries are not FOR reading. They are for writing. They are to release feelings, live out little dramas you know are meaningless in real life, to vent. A diary is how someone feels in the few seconds it takes to write. I often feel differently JUST from writing something down, and i used to rip out and bin my diary as a child every 2 months because in so short a time i'd changed so much i didn't recognise myself and couldn't handle the comparison, even if it was only my own scrutiny.

IMO reading someone else's diary is utterly disrespectful. Worse than hitting. It says "i see your boundary and i don't care a bit! I can do whatEVER i want!". I was and am revolted by my mum and sister's behaviour that time. A saner sibling "borrowed" mum's diary and then "their dog ate it" to get it out of circulation. I have not seen it and if it was given to me i'd destroy it before i read it. Even in death she deserves the dignity of her privacy.

As an alternative strategy i REALLY recommend the note/diary/letter writing between parent and child. When my mum was ill (most of my teens) we would be dashing to hospitals every week with heart attacks and once a stroke, and i was so scared. My dad was scared too and the illness became the elephant in the room. In our attic we had a pc and next to it a writing pad for note-taking when writing code. I used to write "Will she be ok?" My dad would respond "Yes." I would ask "What if she isn't?", and he would reply "I don't know, but i know you will be, because i will make it so." my response; "i love you dad" he would respond "I love you too". These conversations were written over days and weeks, just a sentence at a time, but they meant the WORLD to me. This was a man who could barely say "i love you", to have those precious words written for me where i could trace them with my fingers...i can't express how valuable that was.

I have carried it through. I write letters and emails to DP 2-9 times a week. As soon as DD can read and write i will begin writing her notes too.


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## Stinkerbell (Aug 11, 2005)

I didnt read through the thread but here's my few responses:

*When I was a preteen my mum read private notes between my BFF and I. There was nothing in them and I felt SO VIOLATED. I was livid. She felt horribly about it and still does.

*My oldest son was engaging in clearly risky and suspicious behavior. I had reason to believe there was cause to be frightened for him so I did "snoop" in his room. I was right and I think I saved his life.

*Now that my son is healthy and okay again, I ask his permission before even removing dirty clothing from his room. I am very specific about wanting to respect his privacy and giving him my trust. But as a parent, I reserve the right to do what I need to do to protect him.

In short, I think you should read the diary IF you truly think there may be a reason your child needs help. But be prepared for what you find. It may not be life altering or warrant an intervention but it's sort of jsut as bad if you discover things that you cannot address without giving your nosiness away...does that make sense?


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## Marilde (Jun 24, 2008)

I wouldn't read it without her permission. Why? Becuase my daughter's privacy is important to me, growing up i had ZERO privacy. We used to live in a small three bedroom house, my grandpa slept in one during winter, my grandama in another one and my mom and I in another one. When it was getting to hot, we all slept in the same room, becuase we didn't had Air Conditioner installed in the other rooms and it will get extremly hot, especially in summer. So imagine most of the year 4 people living in the same room.
My mom used to read my diaries, i found out when I was 15 and she told me that she has been reading them for years now, and also she read all my personal stories.
I was so MAD! It took time before she gained my trust again.
But when we moved, my aunt spent some time with us in Spain, I was 17, she read my diary that I start when I met my Boyfriend and all the advances in our relationship, everything about everything, even that you know, THAT! I was so embarassed and furious that i barely talk to the woman, and you know it was very hidden and "safe" That was only a thing that my boyfriend(now DH) and I were supposed to read.

Kids need friends you know, i learned that from the hard way.
So ask her permission and see what she says, and if she says no, then forget it.


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## grniys (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *iamthesmilingone* 
I would and I don't care if someone would judge it has a cop out. I don't answer to (general!) you. If needed, I would peek.

That's exactly how I feel. My child, my home, if I believed something was wrong I would absolutely read it.


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## HisBeautifulWife (Jun 18, 2008)

My mom read my diary and then took it away from me and hid it. I was then punished by her and my dad for what I wrote and she told me "you'll get it back when you are older so you can see what kind of person you were."

Then a phone call was made to someone elses parent based on what I wrote.

I felt so violated and I stopped keeping a diary.

By the way, I wasn't breaking the law or anything crazy like that.

A few years later I found the diary in her closet along with ANOTHER diary I wrote before the first one. She also had photocopies of letters I wrote to friends and before I get all upset I am going to stop and say this still effects me.

I am a complete privacy freak and I have a hard time trusting people. If you can't trust your own mom.... let her diary be her diary. Private space like that shouldn't be invaded.


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## Inci (Apr 22, 2005)

Wow, I can't believe how many of you have either read your child's diary, or would. It is such a huge violation of privacy, and IMO, never okay.

I have been journaling compulsively for about 20 years now, and if my mom had read my journal at any point, I would have completely lost my trust in her, possibly for good.
My mom and I had (still have) a very open, trusting, loving relationship precisely BECAUSE she trusted and respected me, and that includes respecting my right to privacy. During my first year of college, I became very depressed, but my mom didn't "need" to read my journal - I willingly emailed some of my journal entries to her, so that I could help her understand what I was going through. Throughout the years, I had always written her letters whenever there was something big/important I needed to talk about and couldn't express it verbally.
When she read what I sent her, she contacted my dorm's Resident Director because she was worried that I was suicidal (I wasn't) and they made me go to therapy, which did not help...what did help was moving back home with my mom, and commuting to school from there. During the whole crisis, my mom was my biggest support and ally - because we had a strong and solid relationship built on trust.
Had she read my journal behind my back, it would have shattered my trust in her/our relationship completely, and I would have completely shut her out.

It's not okay to read your child's journal in order to "help" them through a difficult time; you risk making it a thousand times worse and having them shut you out even more, maybe permanently. Imagine how awful it would feel to not have any privacy, to be unable to express your innermost thoughts and feelings anywhere because there was the possibility that someone would read them.
Journaling regularly has been, for me, an incredible way to really get to know myself, work through problems and difficult feelings, make sense of the world... if I was worried about someone reading my journal, I would censor everything I wrote; the "real me" would shrivel up and never be expressed, and it would be a very painful and sad thing.

If you feel compelled to/justified in reading your teen's journal because s/he "won't communicate" with you, how in the world would VIOLATING his/her ONLY safe place to express himself/herself help the problem at all?? It won't make him/her more likely to communicate with you, it will make him/her lose trust in you and completely erode what little communication you may have had.

Please, please, don't do it.


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## Hippie Mama in MI (Jan 15, 2008)

Don't ever read your kid's diary. It's an invasion of her private thoughts and feelings.

A diary is like a letter to yourself. It helps a writer think, and express deepest feelings that one cannot talk about out loud.

It is also a place to b.s. about whatever's on one's mind. Lots and lots of diary entries are pure fantasy.

Don't tell your dd you accidentally read a page. And never read more. Remember how badly you felt when your own mom wouldn't respect your private journal...


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## Inci (Apr 22, 2005)

Good point, Hippie Mama, about lots of diary entries being fiction. Plenty of my notebooks from over the years include "daydreams" of mine alongside true stories, and I never wrote any disclaimers about what was true and what was false... I was just writing.


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## Marilde (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *grniys* 
That's exactly how I feel. My child, my home, if I believed something was wrong I would absolutely read it.

You can find out what's wrong with your child without invading their privacy don't you think?


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## Ary99 (Jan 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onlygirls* 
I wonder if she left it out on purpose? When I was 14 I had a diary that I bought and hid from my mother because I wanted it to be private. There is no way I would leave it out on accident.

Not saying you should have read it. Just thinking that if she felt very strongly about her feelings and what she wrote, she wouldn't leave it around like a magazine.


this is exactly what I thought when I read this. A diary hidden away is private and there is a level of trust I wouldn't be comfortable breaching. A diary left out in the open could be a cry for help, if you will, or at least a cry for further communication. I might take it to my child and say "I noticed you left this out and have been writing a lot lately. Anything you want to talk to me about?"


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

STEP AWAY from the diary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## txdancer (Jan 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruth S* 
It's not always as easy as this.

Someone I know has beaten himself up daily for 10 years because he did not read his daughter's diary so could not try to prevent her suicide, with a shotgun, in their kitchen. He thought he was doing the right thing by respecting her privacy and did not realize the extent of her depression. Teens are very good at hiding things; parents can be very good at denial.

I agree with this. One of my closest friends from high school attempted suicide, and nearly succeeded. Instead he is mentally challenged because of the attempt. His mother will never stop blaming herself for not reading his journal. He was already in therapy and on antidepressants, but it wasn't enough. After the attempt, she read his journal, and realized he had been talking about the way he was going to do it, and practicing suicide notes and everything for 3 weeks. She probably could have stopped him, but she thought he was getting better.


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## kewb (May 13, 2005)

It is not mine to read. If I truly suspected their was a serious problem I would probably consider it.

That said, I know I wrote some horrible stuff about my mom in my diary during the teen years and I would not want her knowing about it. It was how I worked through my feelings of our relationship. Hindsight being 20/20 I know can see that my mother was suffering from depression for my entire childhood and no one got her help but as a teenager-rough times.


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