# How do you respond to MIL suggesting CIO



## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

Holiday time is so fun. MIL and SFIL were here yesterday and last night. MIL asked if DD was sleeping in her own room yet (we have an arms reach cosleeper, I don't feel comfortable with her in the bed, DH is a deep sleeper and rolls over onto me sometimes!







might decide to co-sleep when she is bigger, don't know). I told her no (DD is 10 weeks old today) and explained how I wake up when she makes noise and pick her up and nurse her, she hardly even wakes up and we get back to sleep quickly. I told her that the night before DD had actually slept seven hours (this varies with as little as three hours to as much as seven, I think it depends on if she is growth spurting and how tired she is). MIL told me "You know you are going to have to let her cry sometimes to get her to sleep longer." or something to that effect. I just said "Oh, well that is the cry it out method developed by Ferber." and left it at that (she doesn't read up on anything so had no idea what I was talking about). DH is on board with me (if she is hungry she needs to eat!) and I know he just tells me to ignore the MIL, but is there something I should say next time it comes up if it does? I looked up CIO and even Ferber says that it shouldn't be tried until they are six months old because physically they need to eat during the night (not that I would try to make her CIO at six months, or at anytime).


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## fek&fuzz (Jun 19, 2005)

Just say: Thanks, we're doing what works for us. Smile nicely and change the subject. Repeat as necessary.


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## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

sma eprob here- I ignore and do as the op said


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## westernmamomma (Aug 25, 2005)

That's been the same tact we've taken with our family too. If all else fails, tell them you've talked to the ped, and they agree with your approach. That usually shuts them up.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I would look at her, horrified, and say "oh my goodness, we would NEVER do that" and walk away muttering "how awful, poor little baby, all alone, crying, thinking that mom doesn't care, oh how terrible, I could never...."










but that's me....

fwiw no one has ever had the gal to suggest it to me.....

-Angela


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## elmh23 (Jul 1, 2004)

My MIL was really good about it until dd reached 6 months. Then, in her mind, babies need to cry. Not just to sleep, but about everything (she seriously told me to put dd in a playpen and leave her for hours in there while I cleaned.) I just told her that what we did worked for us. If she kept on pressing I was prepared to say "And that's why you and your kids have communication problems!" but she stopped, at least for now.

For some reason, she's stopped harping on any of my parenting decisions. I think dh might have said something to her.


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## JamesMama (Jun 1, 2005)

I usually take a more tactfull approch "This works for us." then I quickly change the subject. "Look at these new pictures/pass the rolls, please/how's work going?/etc."


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## Velvet005 (Aug 9, 2004)

My mil has suggested the same thing. Urg. I told I can't let him cio because it goes against my biological make-up. She hasn't said anything else about it. Although she did suggest I put him in a cage... uh um I mean pack-n-play the other day so he will be safe. I told her he doesn't care for confinment. She thinks I am spoiling him I am sure. But that is coming from a woman who does her 31 year old ds's laundry and he still lives at home (she does her 24 yr old ds's laundry too but only on the weekends he comes to town) and dh and his little bro both suffer from anxiety and I know they were let to cio. i however, was not left to cio and I do not have anxiety. Dunno if that has anything to do with it or not though.
Sorry, I have touchy feelings about my mil that started during pregnancy and has remained every since.


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## Viriditas (Aug 30, 2004)

My son is 2 1/2 weeks old. I was on the phone with dh's aunt the other day and she said, "You do know that you can let him cry. You don't have to pick him up every time he squeaks."

My response: "Yep, I know."

Just because I CAN let him cry doesn't mean I WILL!







It's a good thing she was on the phone, though. I don't think I could have hidden my look of complete revulsion.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

I just said "oh, I'm not going to do THAT" and moved on. That way your not being judgemental, but hopefully you've expressed your feelings on the matter.
If you want to add more, you could say that you want your baby to know that you'll be there when she needs you. I always told everyone that I considered "wanting to be held" to be a need (I honestly do believe that), so I respond to that just the same as I do any other need. You don't want you baby to learn that she has to cry to get her needs met. All she has to do is "ask"








I personally wouldn't go into more unless mil presses it. But it would probably help if dh wholeheartedly agrees with you in front of her


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## snowbunny (May 25, 2005)

People are constantly suggesting CIO to me because DS still wakes every 2 hrs at night ...

The funny thing is I NEVER complain about his waking every 2 hrs (I think of nighttime parenting as a joy: it's my only 1-on-1 time with DS since I work fulltime). They assume that I'm unhappy with his waking at night and that I want their advice, neither of which is true!

My response is usually this, "How would you feel if you couldn't move to help yourself and you were left crying alone and the two people you looked to for comfort refused to help you?"

Or, "I wouldn't want to be abandoned to cry myself to sleep and I'm twenty-six!"


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

another response is to look at you MIL with really big eyes and say "my god, didn't people have just awful ideas about parenting ___ years ago? i'm so glad people woke up and many have started treating their children with compassion and respect for their needs." and then smile, really big. and then don't respond to anything else she says from the parenting dark ages. just smile.


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## turtlemama77 (Jul 29, 2005)

My MIL suggested that I could start letting dd cry (I think dd was about 4 months old) instead of going to her at night. I must have looked absolutely horrified, and I said something like, "Oh no, I'm not going to do that!" She hasn't mentioned anything crazy like that since.


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## hypatia (Apr 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elmh23*
If she kept on pressing I was prepared to say "And that's why you and your kids have communication problems!" but she stopped, at least for now.

That's why I try to avoid discussing parenting with my in-laws. Because when they say, "well, we did such-and-such, and our kids turned out fine," I am so tempted to say, "Oh really?" followed by some pointed comment about how NOT fine their kids turned out. And that would just be way out of line on my part. But accurate.


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## Sephrenia (Nov 6, 2005)

Yeah, my MIL started with the "you have to let other people keep her overnight" speech at 6 WEEKS!







Ummm...no, I don't think so. Then, it was "put her in the playpen so she stays safe in the house". WTH? Like I leave knives and other sharp, dangerous objects on the floor for her to play with. ARGGGG!
She's constantly "suggesting" things. Her latest is cosleeping. She says that we're creating a habit, to which dh and I replied that we hoped so. She looked confused. We explained that we hope that dd will learn that we are there for her both day and night, and that if she needs something we are always available.
Besides, who doesn't like cuddling with such a cute lil bedhog?


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## JoyofBirth (Mar 16, 2004)

My mom mentions sometimes that Emma might want to be in her own bed and have her own space (which she kinda does now that we sidecar the crib), so I might try letting her sleep alone. And I just say but I've always hated sleeping alone, don't you? I say the same about crying. I'd be pretty peeved if I was sitting on the couch crying and dh just walked past me like nothing was happening. And I'm pretty sure everybody in the family would think he was the world's biggest jerk. Even if I was just crying over a sad show or commercial or something on TV. If that's not a dumb reason tto get comfort, why does a baby ever have a dumb reason?


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

I've never gotten that comment from MIL, but have from more distant relatives. I just say:

We want her to know that we love her 24 hours a day, not just 12.

So far that's worked every time.


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## phaeon (Nov 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *earthmama369*
We want her to know that we love her 24 hours a day, not just 12.


















Personally, I wouldn't respond at all. You don't have to educate her about the reasons behind your parenting practices. Just smile and nod, and move on. YOU know what's best for YOUR family.


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## Trishy (Oct 15, 2002)

If she starts to drive you nuts over it just ask her if you should just let her cry at night if y'all take her in when she get old and unable to care for herself.


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## MotherWhimsey (Mar 21, 2005)

trish I came to write the exact same thing... "gramma, we won't let you cry it out either."


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## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trishshack*
If she starts to drive you nuts over it just ask her if you should just let her cry at night if y'all take her in when she get old and unable to care for herself.









I used almost this exactly to my dad when he was talking about crying strengthening the lungs. I told him to watch what he said, when he was old and needed his diapers changed, I'd treat him the same way he told me to treat my kids. Maybe I'd let him cry for a while, just to 'strengthen his lungs'







. He stopped and joked about being extra nice to me.


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

I give information on normal development and the expectations that go along with it and cite the source followed by a rant on why babies should not cry it out because husbands are a lot older and more capable of caring for their needs and nobody says they should go sleep all alone in the dark and CIO.


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## swedemom (Mar 11, 2005)

I never respond to those comments with anything more then "that is just wrong, we would never do that"
we hear all the time how awesome IL's babies sleep cause they were trained....i just say, we dont do that in our house.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Velvet005*
My mil has suggested the same thing. Urg. I told I can't let him cio because it goes against my biological make-up. She hasn't said anything else about it. Although she did suggest I put him in a cage... uh um I mean pack-n-play the other day so he will be safe. I told her he doesn't care for confinment. She thinks I am spoiling him I am sure. But that is coming from a woman who does her 31 year old ds's laundry and he still lives at home (she does her 24 yr old ds's laundry too but only on the weekends he comes to town) and dh and his little bro both suffer from anxiety and I know they were let to cio. i however, was not left to cio and I do not have anxiety. Dunno if that has anything to do with it or not though.
Sorry, I have touchy feelings about my mil that started during pregnancy and has remained every since.


My grandmother would harp about my not using a playpen for my first and second boys. (I have 3 children~boys) I never needed to. My house was pretty much childproofed and I never liked keeping a lot of breakables around anyway.


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## mamagirl (Nov 9, 2005)

I said *gasp* No waaaaaaaaaaay! I can't stand the thought of my little baby suffering alone in the dark. It makes me sick and breaks my heart. Thusly was the subject closed.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

My MIL said to me " If you always go to him whenver he cries, he will learn that you always will." And I looked straight at her and said "Yes, that's the idea!"
She still harped on me needing to fix our sleep situation several times during that visit, but didnt mention CIO again.
Joline


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## JustVanessa (Sep 7, 2005)

I have had to tell my IL's that I will not under any circumstances discuss any of our parenting techniques. If they think I am "wrecking the baby" please feel free to take your concerns to a social worker.
This came after anti-bfing, feed him solids at 4 weeks old, let him cry all night, smack his hands so he knows better (at 6 months).
I have the inlaws from hell. I have no idea how dh turned out as normal as he is.
Whenever they bring anything up I just say "I refuse to discuss this with you" and then change the subject.
Needless to say I am not the favourite daughter-in-law.

Oh yes I also forgot, because I didn't circ. him his penis is going to dry up and fall off when he is 80.















:


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## LandonsMom (Jul 22, 2005)

My aunt suggested this at Thanksgiving, i quickly said "i dont believe in that!" she said "its good for his lungs", so i responded "yeah, but its not good for his heart, or mine for that matter. and i dont mean physically..." she left it at that


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## LandonsMom (Jul 22, 2005)

i just went back and read these lines, they are hilarious!! it sounds soooo logical to me that i cant *imagine* how someone could have anything to say back to some of your reponses! now i have new ammunition!!

also, whenever people comment that i'll spoil him by doing 'such and such', i always respond that if this is how you spoil a baby (holding, co-sleeping, etc), then i'll just keep right on "spoiling" him.


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## dynamohumm6 (Feb 22, 2005)

My MIL hasn't pressed CIO (to my knowledge...she's several states away and I don't talk to her on the phone







). She's convinced that we're going to kill the baby by sleeping with him, though. They ask dh about it here and there, but he's turned out to be WAY more proud of our AP ways than I ever thought he would be. I've heard him say on several occassions "what, so we should stick him down the hall by himself to cry himself to sleep? No way in hell!" and that usually ends the conversation.









Oh, the one time they came to visit when he was about 2 months old, she did say something to me about how he "had to learn to be independent". My response (as I picked him up) was "yeah, I've been on his back to get a job and start paying rent, but he's just so _lazy_."


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## Celtain (Mar 10, 2004)

My IL's are the same way. When MIL suggested CIO I gave a HUGE gasp and said "That is SO mean" "How could you do that to a baby!!!!"

That ended that conversation!!!


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## afishwithabike (Jun 8, 2005)

I haven't faced this much because my Dc are usually pretty content, but if it beacame as issue I would remind her that these are your dc not hers and you wish not to repeat the same mistakes she did. LOL.


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## mama_b (Dec 14, 2004)

Quote:

yeah, I've been on his back to get a job and start paying rent, but he's just so lazy.








: I'm going to have to use that one.


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## Victorian (Jan 2, 2003)

the one time someone suggested it, I went on a 20 minute lecture about harvard crying studies , child sleep "problems", the rates of adult sleep problems in america, 5 hour "sleeping through the night", breastfeeding failure rates and concequences.

I think I have a reputation.

V.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

I told my MIL that CIO is the old way of thinking and not something I'm interested in doing, that you can't spoil a baby ect.


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## Nancy P. (Aug 22, 2005)

I would suggest the reply that my mother gave to her mother whenever she didn't like how my mother was raising us: "You made your mistakes raising your kids now it's my turn to make my own mistakes raising mine." This is nice and none judgemental. Of course, it never shut my grandmother up but to be honest nothing would have worked anyway. This is probably why my mother never gave advice unless asked.


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## balancingstacy (Dec 20, 2005)

I had a bunch of people tell me that...especially "what are you going to do when they get bigger" - well I don't know many 5 yr olds who really sleep with M&D all night, plus they are only little once. We started our first sleeping in a bassinet by our bed - by the time I woke up fed her - changed her because she did spit up everynight as I tried to wake her to feed on the other side, so I could go back to sleep, then fed the other side and put her down, then got myself back in bed after the light was on for 45min-an hour - I got about 45mins before we did it all again. Then I discovered co-sleeping out of desperation for sleep - we never went back...in fact when babes 2 & 3 came along we didn't even put the bassinet in our room and we went from a full-sized bed to a king. Now we have a 4, 2, and 6-month old and most nights its just the 6-monther. And, ya know when its all of us - waking up and listening to everyone's breath is the best feeling - my whole world is contained in that bed.

I'd ask her if she'd like the baby to sleep in her room - give her a few bottles (of breastmilk, which might freak her out) and let her know how lightly you sleep, but are so grateful for the chance to get a full nights sleep that you would welcome her help - just remind her how easy you wake when the baby makes the slightest noise, but you are really, really, really looking forward to her help and your first full night of sleep. If that doesn't put the pressure on for her to jump up each time she sighs, which will give her a taste of how you feel when you get up and move into another room everytime the baby needs you, I don't know if you'll reach her - I do like the comment about taking care of her when she's old.

In the end - its your baby, your home, and your choice. I wouldn't go for the crying - its not needed - they are only little once.


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## timneh_mom (Jun 13, 2005)

If my MIL ever dared say that to me, I would tell her that if she were up at night crying and sobbing because something was wrong, and she knew people were in the house but they ignored her, how would that make her feel?

Then I would tell her that if someone is yelling at me, the best thing I can do is ignore them and they will go away. (Meaning, I'd ignore her in hopes she would go away.) But not sure she'd get it!


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## richella (Nov 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vanessagreene*
Oh yes I also forgot, because I didn't circ. him his penis is going to dry up and fall off when he is 80.














:

Medical science will have 80 yrs to figure out how to "cure" an uncirced penis. (Besides circing, of course!)


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## Emilie (Dec 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fek&fuzz*
Just say: Thanks, we're doing what works for us. Smile nicely and change the subject. Repeat as necessary.


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## courtenay_e (Sep 1, 2005)

Our response (and yes, it is most helpful when DH is not only supportive, but at least in the beginning the most frequent mouthpiece) has always been along the lines of "whatever our child tells us she needs is what we're going to do, period." Dh's family DOES send their newborns to grandma's and auntie's house for overnights. They just can't grasp why we wouldn't want to. Their idea of "nursing" seems to be only as long as six weeks, and they then come up with a reason why they MUST be separated (vacation, usually) for a week or two. The DIL's really have resented me (these crazy ideas must be coming from somewhere, right? And they didn't teach THEIR son to pick up a child as soon as it cries, or god forbid, even to feed it a bottle...) for the last almost four years. However, now that it is extremely clear that our children are happier, more well adjusted, SMARTER, calmer, and just all around healthier kids than their other grandchildren the same ages (there are three more of each the same age as both my kids), there's not much they can say. Obviously, our way DOES work. And well. In the end, again, we've pretty much just told them that whatever our children tell us they need, we help them with, *especially*when they are infants and toddlers. Then we smile and change the subject. I know that they talk to their other kids about how "strange" our parenting style is, but we don't care. We see the results every day!


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## timneh_mom (Jun 13, 2005)

Just to add, I like to think that because we are attentive to our son's needs, both day and night, that is a big part of the reason why he is such a pleasure to be around. Many people have commented on how he is such a "good baby" and hardly ever cries, etc. We have never let him CIO and he can nurse any time he wants, and I think he is pleasant because he feels cherished and important to us. Even my SIL who "warned" me how much work kids would be (I'm sure she let hers scream in their cribs) has told me how lucky I am to have such a "good" baby. I am sure his personality has made a difference too, but I like to think that his attentive parents have played a big part in this also.


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## jillc512 (Aug 31, 2005)

Love the good ideas here! Even though this is my second babe, I'm just starting to realize how warped most people's views on baby sleep are. I was discussing with another mother about whether or not I had a 'good' baby (of course, I said I did







), and she told me about a friend of hers who had a baby that wouldn't sleep through the night and wouldn't sleep in her crib. To which I replied "Oh, mine doesn't either," and she just gave me a blank stare like "And you have the nerve to go around telling people you have a good baby?"









Also my aunt was holding DD recently and she fell asleep. She asked if she could keep holding her, or if she had to put her down, which I assume is some rule from the old baby-training handbook (don't want baby to get the idea that she should have human contact while sleeping...). Needless to say, she was delighted when I said of course she could keep holding her!


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## Nanners (Nov 28, 2004)

My step MIL told me "you know, he has to learn how to cry sometime!" (She has no children, btw







: ), and my response was, "really? Why?" She was totally startled by that, and had no answer. I picked up my fussy baby and walked away.


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