# NOT to talk with 10yo about menstruation, breast feeding...



## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

If you have a 10yo DD, would you find it inappropriate to discuss these topics? I have a DS and DD and I am VERY OPEN about whatever they ask. However, they are only 3 and 5yo, so maybe I am talking out of my arse?

I was visiting a dear friend, and she said she found breast feeding so hard and did not get proper support at LLL meetings. She then asked me if I found it hard to breast feed. I said later on it was great, but described how difficult it was in the beginning - latch, pain, clogged breasts.... I was talking normally but she kept whispering, because her 10yo DD was with us. At one point, my friend said "you can tell your children what you want, but my DD does not need to hear this." So I whispered. I was in her home, her guest, so I respected that. But in my mind I was thinking, this is all basic stuff, not dirty hush-hush stuff, and maybe just what her DD should be listening to!

Fast forward a week later, and my friend quietly told me about being in a horrid mood from her period. Again her daughter was in the room with us. I told my friend how I was bleeding really really heavy the last two years, and now I was concerned it might mean I had a problem with my iron levels. She cut me off and said "we can talk about this quietly, or we can't talk about it at all."

In both instances, my friend brought up the topics. In both instances I respected her wishes to not discuss it around her daughter. But I felt really weird about that, as if I was promoting breast feeding and menstration to be hush-hushh, dirty tpics, instead of normal, natural processes. I couldn't figure out why my friend didn't want her daughter to hear these things, and she didn't tell me why not. If you won't talk about these things with a 10 yo, can you tell me why not?


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## Spiralshell (Mar 16, 2009)

Wow. I am surprised that this girl's mother is so against discussion of normal bodily functions. Especially because at 10 she may already be developing breast buds, and will most likely get her first period within the next two years! It sounds like the mom is kind of hung up on anything she perceives as sexual, even though breastfeeding and menstruation are not (in my mind) sexual topics. I can't help but feel sorry for the girl and I hope her mom adopts a more open mindset before discussing these things with her daughter (as she will very shortly have to do!)
Starting my own period (at 11) was tough enough just dealing with the strange sensations, painful cramps, worrying about staining my clothes or bleeding through in public, etc. -- thankfully I could at least talk about it openly with my mom and knew enough ahead of time to understand what was happening to me!


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I talk about both with my 3 year old. I think she has issues and is passing them on to her DD who will no doubt grow up feeling ashamed of her period and doubting her ability to ever BF.


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## caudex (Dec 7, 2007)

*optimistic face*

Is it possible that because you and she were discussing PROBLEMS that you were having with periods/breastfeeding, that she didn't want to scare her daughter? 10 years old is of the age where she's probably thinking about/worried about/immiently dealing with those things.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

That would be sad if I was the daughter, as I started my menses at the ripe old age of *9*!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I have an almost 10 yr old DS and he knows about BFing and a little about Periods. He asks a lot of questions and I tell him the truth.
Why would she bring up such conversations in front of her DD, to tell you not to talk about it? Kinda odd. If you are with her again and she brings it up, I'd tell her that you do not want to discuss it with her since she takes such issue with her daughter being there.

On a side note, I would say something to her on the phone or when you are together alone. I'd ask her when she might want to talk to her daughter about Periods since she is 10 and most girls get their 1st Period btw 11-14.

Take care!

Jen


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## NightOwlwithowlet (Jun 13, 2009)

Luckily my mom talked to me about both because I started to develop breasts when I was 9 and got my period when I was 11. It was hard for me to deal with because I was immature, but at least I knew what was going on with my body. My mom (I was the fourth girl in the family ) was very casual and matter of fact.

My seven year old son is an only child, but he has an idea of what periods and BF are, more about BF.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

As I am finding, there is truly a wide range in terms of what parents talk about with their children. Too bad-it seems like there was some missed opportunity for conversation there.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

I agree with Caudex -- maybe she was uncomfortable with the idea that you were talking about issues and problems and she didn't want her daughter to worry. I know I have talked about periods to my 7 YO DD but I probably wouldn't want to talk about "heavy bleeding" with her now because it might scare her and give her an exagerated picture of what to expect. And I don't want her to be scared of starting her period. Same with breastfeeding -- I have certainly talked about it and explained how it works, but I didn't (and probably won't until she is ready to be a mommy herself) talk about how hard it was to start, how I cried for the first week and how my nipples bled... Precisely because I want her to think of these things as normal, natural, "no big deal" things a not stress over all of the potential problems that could happen.

That said, if you are close friends, I would try to have a phone conversation about why she is so "hush hush" about this and if she doesn't want her daughter to hear things why she keeps bringing them up. Maybge you two should schedule a mom's night out with a couple of drinks and no kids around?


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## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Barbie64g* 
That would be sad if I was the daughter, as I started my menses at the ripe old age of *9*!

I started when I was 10!

Heavy bleeding and pain run in my family and my mother wanted me to be aware of that so I could be prepared...she never kept it from me. Personally, I would want my daughter to know so that she isn't taken by surprise.


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## Chicky2 (May 29, 2002)

I have a 21 yo dd and also an 11 yo dd. With both I was/am very open about bodily functions. They both have seen a sibling born. They both have seen me breastfeed (all of that applies to my son too, btw), and they both knew about menstruation well before they start(ed)-my 11 yo has yet to start. I would not necessarily have wanted them to know of all the problems that I've had or that can occur because I wouldn't want to scare them. We are realistic, but at the appropriate time. Right before my 11 yo starts to menstruate isn't the time I'd want to be discussing the negatives of it all. I want her to celebrate, not worry.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I too am hoping that she just didn't want to her DD to be privy to conversations about problems with those two things.

That being said, we have never had a problem with talking about menstruation or breastfeeding with DD even when she was younger. And if my mom or baby mama happened to be there when the topic came up, all the better, two women DD respects who were just as willing to talk about them too.


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## bandgeek (Sep 12, 2006)

I would find that strange. 10 year olds SHOULD know about that stuff! At least menstruation. I started my period when I was 11 and even though I knew pretty much what the deal was it still completely freaked me out because no one ever talked to me about it. I had one of those sex-ed pamphlets from school that explained to me how to use a pad and stuff. That was it. It was years before I felt comfortable talking to my mom about my period, even if it was just to ask her to buy more pads.

I would even say that 10 is a good age to discuss sex, though maybe not graphically. I wouldn't tell my friends the dirty details about last night's romp with a kid in the room, ya know? But basic, frank discussions about sexual issues, I wouldn't think would be a problem.

And breastfeeding isn't even sexual, but whatever.









I'd probably just not talk about it at all since your friend seems to have issues with those things. I'd feel weird whispering.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Your friend starts the topic and then gets mad at you for talking about it in front of her dd? Does she have an excuse for being horrible or is she just a bad person?

Anyway, if this is just one small aberration in an otherwise good relationship, I'd call her out on this and suggest she email you about the topics in the future. And that she can probably find a good book to save her dd from not learning about menstruation until it's happening and terrifying. (Breastfeeding, you can talk to her dd when her dd is pregnant and tell her to get more help than just her mom.)


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

What


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

That's just weird.


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## doulatara (Jun 20, 2006)

I think you should slip a book or two to your friend's poor child!

I like these! http://www.americangirlpublishing.co...pingOfYou.aspx

http://www.amazon.com/Deal-Whole-App...ref=pd_sim_b_5

Okay, I am half kidding because your friend would probably be furious with you, but the kid is gonna learn from somewhere...it is probably alot better to have accurate books than to hear it from classmates! Can you ask your friend why she feels like she needs to shelter her 10 year old from these subjects? I think it is weird. I have a ten yr. old who I am very open with about all subjects regarding the body, it's changes, sex, etc.


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## amnesiac (Dec 28, 2001)

Since my dd started menstruating at 10, I was pleased that she knew what it was. Can you imagine how frightening that would be for a little girl if she had no idea what it was? I see no problem with either that or bf discussion - young ladies need to know & understand how their bodies work. And I want her to feel comfortable coming to me when & if she experiences challenges of her own.


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## proudmomof4 (Aug 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Your friend starts the topic and then gets mad at you for talking about it in front of her dd? Does she have an excuse for being horrible or is she just a bad person?

Anyway, if this is just one small aberration in an otherwise good relationship, I'd call her out on this and suggest she email you about the topics in the future. And that she can probably find a good book to save her dd from not learning about menstruation until it's happening and terrifying. (Breastfeeding, you can talk to her dd when her dd is pregnant and tell her to get more help than just her mom.)

I'd probably act along those lines. In your place I'd feel seriously annoyed, too - why bring it up at all if others present (in this case the child) aren't supposed to hear it? I don't think I'd be willing to talk about breastfeeding and menstruation as if they were something dirty.
As for not wanting to expose a 10y old to possible complications with BF or menstruation: again, then don't start such a conversation in her presence.


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## Oubliette8 (Apr 15, 2009)

I just wanted to say, just because she didnt want to have those conversations in front of her DD does not necessarily mean her DD has had no education in those matters. When I was 9 I knew what menstruation and breastfeeding were. I even knew that sometimes women can have problems like cramps etc. However, my mother has NEVER discussed her menstruation or breastfeeding in front of me. I didn't even find out she had a hysterectomy a few years ago until after the fact. I think some women simply think that that sort of information about their bodies and personal experiences is private. I mean, you can tell your kids about sex, but many people would not give their children details about their sex life. Giving them information about the process is different from giving details about personal experience. I'm not saying I agree- there is certainly information that would have been helpful to hear from my mother- I didn't menstruate until I was almost 15 for instance, I have NO idea when she started, but if she started late too, it would have been comforting to know. However, I did know all the general information by that age.


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## babygirlie (Jun 4, 2009)

Many girls start having sex at 10 and even may get their period. I personally feel it would not be wise to hide such things from a girl who is on the verge of developing into a young lady. Without an education she isn't going to know when to say no to a boy or what to do when her period starts. My mother never talked to me about periods which led me to hide it when it happened (by burning the things i got from sex ed in my bedroom and i think even catching the bed on fire once. Hey, I was 12. Give me a break. A short chat from MOM not a teacher would have done a world of wonder). Hiding scientific things about a woman's body may hinder her is all I am saying. But it IS her child so you can't say much. Maybe you could throw out the statistics of how many 10 year olds are already sexually active, of which I don't know. I just know many girls who told me their stories of their youth back in the 80's when they were young so lord knows the 10's.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Very very few 10 year olds are sexually active and those who are are being raped. At 10 they are not legally capable of consent. That's a way bigger issue than whether or not you know about periods.


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## russsk (Aug 17, 2007)

My mom was kind of like that with me. I don't think she could have verbalized it like that, but she did not talk about stuff like that with me. When she did later on when I was an adult, she still sort of whispers about it. It's weird.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

Of course I'd want to talk to a ten year old about these things! It gives her information she needs, but more importantly it lets her know I am willing to talk. I'm afraid your friend's daughter won't have anyone to ask questions of when she gets into her teens and bigger issues than periods and breastfeeding arise.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oubliette8* 
I just wanted to say, just because she didnt want to have those conversations in front of her DD does not necessarily mean her DD has had no education in those matters. When I was 9 I knew what menstruation and breastfeeding were. I even knew that sometimes women can have problems like cramps etc. However, my mother has NEVER discussed her menstruation or breastfeeding in front of me. I didn't even find out she had a hysterectomy a few years ago until after the fact. I think some women simply think that that sort of information about their bodies and personal experiences is private. I mean, you can tell your kids about sex, but many people would not give their children details about their sex life. Giving them information about the process is different from giving details about personal experience. I'm not saying I agree- there is certainly information that would have been helpful to hear from my mother- I didn't menstruate until I was almost 15 for instance, I have NO idea when she started, but if she started late too, it would have been comforting to know. However, I did know all the general information by that age.

I suppose that's possible. . .but then what the mom did was like starting a conversation about her sex life in front of her daughter, and then getting mad at the OP for participating in it. It's just weird.

You know, if it were JUST the period talk, I might think that maybe her daughter was having a lot of anxiety about starting her period and her mother didn't want to either make her uncomfortable about talking about it at all or more anxious by bringing up what could go wrong. But the breastfeeding thing really baffles me. I don't think I could let that lie without addressing it with my friend when her dd isn't around - maybe through an email. I wouldn't come off accusatory and angry about it, just try to find out what her line of thought was. And then I'd probably offer my opinion and then ask her not to bring up topics in front of her daughter that she doesn't want to discuss in front of her daughter and let her know that it's beyond MY comfort level to talk about certain topics as though there is shame attached.


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## Momily (Feb 15, 2007)

I talk openly about these things with my 10 year old, even though I'm quite confident HE won't be menstruating or breastfeeding any time soon.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I can see wanting to talk about things with your adult friends that you wouldn't discuss in the same detail with your ten year old.


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AFWife* 
I started when I was 10!

Heavy bleeding and pain run in my family and my mother wanted me to be aware of that so I could be prepared...she never kept it from me. Personally, I would want my daughter to know so that she isn't taken by surprise.

Me too. I have told my dd we have a history of difficulty, but that now I have learned a lot about things we could have done to help, so we will be able to do things to help. I have a special charting journal waiting for her for her red party, so that she can keep track and feel empowered.

I would gently approach your friend and see if you can help her get a dialog going between you two, maybe it would help her speak more freely with her dd.

(sorry if this is off, I didn't get to read the whole thread)


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## smpayne (Oct 21, 2009)

My mother was super conservative and didn't like to discuss anything sexual, and menstrating was either in that category or it was just too super personal that it made her extremely uncomfortable to discuss it openly. She left it to the school system to teach me (in christian school at the time) about my "womanly functions". It wasn't until I was getting debilitating cramps that she was understanding and helpful.

I too was really squimish about talking about such things until after I got married and my husbands family had no problems talking about anything. Buying supplies at the grocery store was always difficult and embarassing for me. It wasn't until my dh offered to go to the store for me a couple times (and did) when I wasn't feeling well that I started asking myself, "If he can buy these for me what do I have to be embarassed about?" It took me a while, but I had to make a consious decission to change my thinking about my views on menstration. This is a normal bodily function that NO woman should ever be embarassed about.

Take this friend out for coffee, just you and her, leave the kiddos at home and have just have a conversation with her. Ask her why she feels it necessary to hide such subjects from her daughter, who is already old enough to have started her period. Why is she embarassed by these subjects? If you can talk openly to her about these subjects (even in whispers) she will gradually become more comfortable discussing them on a whole.

Do reminder her that if she is too embarassed to talk opening to her dd about these subjects, her dd will eventually find other sources to gain her information (correct or incorrect) that bypasses mom, mainly friends her own age. I know from experience that daughters will not go to mom with questions if we know it will make them obviously uncomfortable. If discussing our period is difficult, then sex topics are complete out of the question.


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## hakeber (Aug 3, 2005)

I would have a really hard time not telling her that she was being ridiculous.

I really don't get why she brings it up in front of her daughter, then tells you to be quiet around her daughter like you're the one who made it dirty. I mean, I was always brought up that it was rude to whisper in front of other people, ten year olds included.

I wonder if her daughter is one of those kids that listens extra closely to adults whispering, and its like reverse psychology?

except she forgot to tell you? not likely, eh?

That's just silly. Both acts are normal and healthy bodily functions...let me guess, she calls her vagina/vulva area her "down there".









Next time she pulls that, I would tell her to stop being absurd, and clue her in to the fact that in this area of life what her daughter doesn't know will most certainly hurt her!


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## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

It seriously baffles me that anybody is actually like this. I've known what periods are since before I can remember! We lived in a small house when I was a toddler, and my mom constantly yelled from the bathroom for me to get her a "tt" (tampon). Same with nursing, since my aunt has 9 children and nursed all of them...it's never been a strange thing to me.

I guess my poor kids are just destined to be little harlots, full of all that sexual knowledge about breastfeeding and nursing. Since I want either one child or two, with a big spacing between them, theoretically I could have a pre-teen son *gasp* see my breasts as I nurse his sibling! Shock of all shocks, he could theoretically see the birth and all the nasty vaginal blood that comes with it!

FWIW I got my period at 12, and thanks to my extensive knowledge it never freaked me out. I have no issues with my period whatsoever, and actually love it because there's nothing better than satisfying an intense smoothie craving


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## 11yearslater (Mar 2, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Oubliette8* 
I just wanted to say, just because she didnt want to have those conversations in front of her DD does not necessarily mean her DD has had no education in those matters. When I was 9 I knew what menstruation and breastfeeding were. I even knew that sometimes women can have problems like cramps etc. However, my mother has NEVER discussed her menstruation or breastfeeding in front of me. I didn't even find out she had a hysterectomy a few years ago until after the fact. I think some women simply think that that sort of information about their bodies and personal experiences is private. I mean, you can tell your kids about sex, but many people would not give their children details about their sex life. Giving them information about the process is different from giving details about personal experience. I'm not saying I agree- there is certainly information that would have been helpful to hear from my mother- I didn't menstruate until I was almost 15 for instance, I have NO idea when she started, but if she started late too, it would have been comforting to know. However, I did know all the general information by that age.











My son (11 years old) knows quite a bit about breastfeeding, conceptually, because I was a breastfeeding counselor for several years and he's heard me give lots of advice. But I have never discussed with him my personal experience (though I would probably answer if asked, but I can't imagine why he'd want to know at this age). And I certainly wouldn't bring up or discuss in front of my children personal experiences of menstrual problems. Some people just think some things are private (though that doesn't translate into "dirty") or they don't want to share everything personal with their children. I don't see anything wrong with that. You can give a daughter all the information she will need and be available to discuss problems/concerns/questions, without sharing about the horrible clots that you passed last month.


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## ms.shell (Jul 25, 2008)

Some people are weird. lol
My sister wont let me babysit her children because someone might find out that i breastfeed. Not that shes worried her son will SEE a boob, but she doesn't want them to even know about breastfeeding. In their (her and her dh) opinion, bottles are for babies and boobs are for men and breastfeeding is an unspeakable perversion.
My dp as well, was freaked out when he found out my 1st son nursed until he was almost 4 and he has issues with him (my 8 yo son) seeing me nurse the baby. DP has come a long way, tho, and is an advocate for breastfeeding now.

I would gently challenge your friend out of the earshot of her daughter. Maybe she isn't aware how close her daughter is to puberty and doesnt realize it is time to start preparing her.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I have a 20 year old. Talking openly is great but I also think it's perfectly normal to limit graphic details of problems from a 10 year old. It's up to the parent to decide. She knows her kid best. Some parents go over the line and don't respect normal boundaries with their kids. I can tell you right now that at 10 I did not want to hear about my moms heavy periods. And yes I was fully informed at a young age about menstruation because my mom started young and wanted me to be prepared, which was fine. But knowing how it works is not the same as knowing about your moms clots. At 10. No I would not have wanted to know, and honestly I wouldn't want to know now. My best friend, ok. My mom, no.

I'm starting to wonder if I read the same OP as some of you. This has nothing to do with normal puberty education.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllisonR* 
If you have a 10yo DD, would you find it inappropriate to discuss these topics? I have a DS and DD and I am VERY OPEN about whatever they ask. However, they are only 3 and 5yo, so maybe I am talking out of my arse?

I was visiting a dear friend, and she said she found breast feeding so hard and did not get proper support at LLL meetings. She then asked me if I found it hard to breast feed. I said later on it was great, but described how difficult it was in the beginning - latch, pain, clogged breasts.... I was talking normally but she kept whispering, because her 10yo DD was with us. At one point, my friend said "you can tell your children what you want, but my DD does not need to hear this." So I whispered. I was in her home, her guest, so I respected that. But in my mind I was thinking, this is all basic stuff, not dirty hush-hush stuff, and maybe just what her DD should be listening to!

Fast forward a week later, and my friend quietly told me about being in a horrid mood from her period. Again her daughter was in the room with us. I told my friend how I was bleeding really really heavy the last two years, and now I was concerned it might mean I had a problem with my iron levels. She cut me off and said "we can talk about this quietly, or we can't talk about it at all."

In both instances, my friend brought up the topics. In both instances I respected her wishes to not discuss it around her daughter. But I felt really weird about that, as if I was promoting breast feeding and menstration to be hush-hushh, dirty tpics, instead of normal, natural processes. I couldn't figure out why my friend didn't want her daughter to hear these things, and she didn't tell me why not. If you won't talk about these things with a 10 yo, can you tell me why not?


Whispering that she is in a bad mood because she got her period is not on the same level as discussing how heavy and clotty your periods have been and how you think it might mean something serious.

With the BFing, again she just said she found it hard and said she didn't get the support she needed and asked if you did. She didn't get into specific details as to how and why.

It sounds like you took the conversation past her comfort zone. It doesn't mean that it's a dirty subject, or she hasn't educated her daughter. It just means that in her opinion the conversation has reached a level of TMI.


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## NaturalMamma (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momily* 
I talk openly about these things with my 10 year old, even though I'm quite confident HE won't be menstruating or breastfeeding any time soon.









That's cute!

Our DD is 9.5 yo and we've always talked very openly about breast-feeding, body parts, menstruation, and now my impending menopause. DD nursed until she was almost 4 yo and it was all very natural (even though my mom didn't nurse and was hush-hush about a lot of stuff so it goes to show you that you don't have to continue the style of your family of origin.)

I don't really understand why a mom wouldn't want her child to hear the "negative" issues surrounding breast-feeding, menstruation, etc. As long as it's modeled to a child that you don't let these things debilitate you and that you persevere, they shouldn't be fearful. Our DD is aware of some of the "less than favorable" aspects of bodily changes like pms and hot flashes. However she knows that it doesn't happen to everyone and many times, I make light of my hot flashes.

Every family is different, but I think that mom is doing a disservice to her DD and her DD will end up actually being fearful b/c knowledge helps prevent fear.


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## trekkingirl (Dec 2, 2009)

my mom recently told me that when she was 7mo pregnant with my sister ( at age 14 ) she asked the doctor when she was going to get the new hole that the baby would come out of! we need to empower our girls to be strong young women. girls who know the ins and the outs and how sacred they are will be more carefull about losing their virginity at a young age.


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## proudmomof4 (Aug 29, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trekkingirl* 
my mom recently told me that when she was 7mo pregnant with my sister ( at age 14 ) she asked the doctor when she was going to get the new hole that the baby would come out of! we need to empower our girls to be strong young women. girls who know the ins and the outs and how sacred they are will be more carefull about losing their virginity at a young age.











I agree with Arduinna that talking "period in general" is a different level than discussing heavy bleeding, clots and whatever. (Or, for that matter breastfeeding as opposed to plugged ducts, trush, and mastitis.)
Still, the other mother started to talk about BF and menstruation. As an adult she should be well aware that the conversation might steer in that direction. So, if you don't want that to happen in the presence of your child - why bring it up?


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## witch's mom (Dec 8, 2003)

Not sure if this is relevant, but this past summer, just after her 10th birthday, my DD fell from the back of our boat and crashed into the platform right between her legs. Long story short, she had a perineal tear--an impact injury that split the tissue in a number of places--that involved a trip to the ER, a lot of scary examination and, ultimately, stitches under anesthesia. In the course of one night, she got a LOT of on-the-spot education about the female body.

I was surprised by how well she handled it all. Not just the injury and the exams, but the information that was thrown at her all night. The ER doctor drew a picture of her vaginal area on the table-paper and showed her where the tear was. He had her slather herself with numbing gel in hopes of being able to examine her with less pain. He explained how a speculum worked and showed it to her. (She still talks about it as "that duck bill thing.") He explained what a gynecologist was (because he had to call one in). A nurse, who had made the comment "that looks like an episiotomy" during one of the exams, answered DD's questions about what an episiotomy was. Then, lo and behold, into that ER came a woman who had just delivered a baby in a car and happened to have an identical tear to the one DD had. So there was lots of talk about why it happened during childbirth and how it would be repaired. The gynecologist came in and explained to DD what was going to happen when they did DD's repair surgery--the anesthesia, the speculum, looking in her vagina to make sure there weren't any deeper tears, then a few stitches to make sure everything healed up good as new. They kept it very kid-appropriate, but there was no way DD could avoid the explicit subject matter.

I believe DD's acceptance of it all was helped by the fact that she already had some degree of understanding of her body and how it worked, and also some understanding of childbirth. Before we even went to the hospital that night, she got an early course in how to use a maxi pad and, after she got home after surgery, a peri-bottle. She endured my examining her (to make sure the bleeding and bruising were staying contained within what the docs told us to expect), six weeks of itchy stitches and bleeding, and the follow-up appointment with the gynecologist. All in all, a terrible experience, but one that would've been much, much worse had she not already known what was down there, what it was for and why it was important to fix it up so it would work properly later in life.

I realize not every kid is going to have to endure an experience mine did (thank goodness!), but I hope that your friend is at least preparing her daughter for life's normal stuff. Because if the girl is 10, it's probably coming soon!


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

My 10 yr old in in the know. She would not be excused from either of those conversations. In fact, I would probably bring them up later so that she could ask any questions that might have formed from the conversation. Now, if a friend was wanting to talk about her sex life, I wouldn't want my dd there for that. Not that she doesn't know about sex, but . . . I don't know that my dd (or me for that matter) needs to know about other peoples private lives.

Amy


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## Oubliette8 (Apr 15, 2009)

I think that is the issue- for some people, menstruation and breastfeeding are as private as their sex lives. Just as your kid can know what is necessary about sex without knowing your favorite position, or that your partner sometimes has sexual dysfunction, or that occasionally you have painful intercourse. A child can know ABOUT those potential issues without knowing intimate details of your personal life, KWIM? And I do occasionally discuss sex with my friends in ways I would not in front of my child. If my kids were over, and I really needed to talk about an issue, but I thought we could do it out of their earshot I might. And yeah, I'd get sort of irritated if I kept a low tone to keep the convo private and my friend raised the volume so the kids could hear. On the same note, if I knew a friend did not discuss certain issues in front of their kids, I'd make an effort to keep the convo private even if I thought kids were fine with it


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## SomethingAnonymous (Feb 13, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
That's just weird.

Uh yeah I am sorry but I agree.. that's so weird!


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

I think Arduinna made a good point here. Maybe the other mom just felt the OP was going too far. I, personally, wouldn't hush a friend if she was saying something I felt was inappropriate, but this mom did.

OP, I don't think I would bother to call her out on it, but if she brings up a "touchy" subject again, in whispers, I might politely change the subject. If she asks why, you can tell her you have perceived that she has a different comfort level than you do, and you don't want to violate that.


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## ColwynsMommy (Aug 2, 2004)

It could be that the mom has given the daughter plenty of basic info, but the daughter has gotten weirded out when the mom offered her personal experience. For me and my mom, it's been one thing to have discussions about breastfeeding/periods/sex/whatever in general, or for me to tell her about my experiences, but I really don't want to know some things about my mom's personal life (breastfeeding definitely wouldn't bother me, periods might, depending.. but we have talked about her starting menopause). So, the daughter may have requested that the mom not share her personal experiences with her.

Or it could be that the mom doesn't want to scare her. I remember when I was about 10, a few friends and I were playing Truth or Dare with my mom and my aunts. My aunt got asked the question of when she'd lost her virginity, and gave way too many details, including (and I still remember her exact phrasing) "and I woke up *covered* in blood!" I was horrified and really scared about having sex until I was old enough to read/hear other less scary accounts. My kids are still little, but they know most of the basics, including how babies are made, but I wouldn't talk to them about possible problems until they were at that point in their lives. We've kept all discussions positive and healthy.

I'd ask in private, either through email or on the phone, what specifically is okay or not okay to talk about, and what her reasons are. You can keep it polite and friendly, and just pose it as, "I want to make sure I don't slip up and talk about something you guys aren't comfortable with.." - then if it's for one of the above reasons or something similarly understandable, you can let it be. If you find out that she's not giving her daughter any information, you can gently encourage her to at least share the basics.


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## magentamomma (Mar 18, 2004)

Even the problems surrounding these issues can and should be discussed openly. I can think of so many times where as an adult I was convinced I was alone feeling the way I did about parenting or BFing or menstruation etc because women don't talk about things openly. I was SHOCKED to experience afterpains after my 3rd child. I was knocked flat by the grief I felt when I had my daughter after my oldest. I was so worried I wouldn't be enough for them, orr that I was robbing my oldest of their babyhood. I was embarrassed the first time I experienced incontinence, an scared with irregular peiods. Knowledge is power. I don't scare my 3 girls, but I am as honest and direct as their questions deserve.


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