# Positive stories of siblings with 4-7 year age difference?



## IntrovertExtrovert (Mar 2, 2008)

I would love it if people would share stories about having a 4-7 year gap between their first and second children.

While I was pregnant with my son we planned to have 2-3 kids, 2-3 years apart. Then I found out what motherhood was like!







(actually, I had a very unpleasant birth experience and what with thankfully minor medical issues and general high-needs, Kiddo and I had a pretty rough first year) He's a little over 3, I'm just now starting to feel up to having a second baby. My husband and I are thinking of TTC this fall/winter. I was lucky enough to get pregnant very quickly last time, but in the spring I'll hit the magic age (35), so I know it may take a lot longer this time.

All the anecdotes I have about bigger age gaps are _not_ positive. My mother was an only child until 10, and still resents her siblings today. My sister (6 at the time) tried to burn down our house when I was born! Now we love each other, but it was rough going for a good 12 years. The other anecdotes I know are less dramatic, but still not very positive.

I know there are great stories out there. Will you share yours with me?


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Mine are 4 yrs apart. DS1 absolutely LOVES his baby brother. From when he got to clean him up after birth, he has been smitten. He hugs, cuddles, helps and plays with him. He has had zero resentment, no acting out... DS1's preschool teacher says DS2 is the best thing to ever happen to him- he takes such pride in being a big brother. He looks for all "brother" things, he calls DS2 "my baby", they play and giggle. He shares everything with his brother. He even wanted to share his bike racing medals that he got in the city tournaments ("One for me, and one for DS2..."). He fed him his first food, he pushes him on the swing, and when we pick him up from school, the first kisses are for his brother.

And, with a little distance between them, DS1 has his own thing going on- he can play, visit friends, go to school, be (sort-of) patient, can do a lot for himself so they are not competing so much in needs or attention. Because DS1 has a whole different life at 5 than an infant, it is easy enough to work it.

Really- its been great and I'm so glad we waited a bit.

I really think it is not age between them but personalities of the kids involved.


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

I think it all depends on the individuals and there are no age spaces that guarantee a harmonious relationship. You should be just fine.

I am 5 and 7 years older than my sisters. I was thrilled to death when they were born, we played together a ton as kids, I both mothered them and played at their level. When I was older I took on more of that role as I 'sat' them and was allowed to be the boss.. I will admit I was too controlling sometimes - that's one thing you have to account for when one kid is older, smarter and stronger than another, it's all too easy for us to get our way. But I always got along better with both of them than they did with each other - they fought a lot. Now that we are 24, 19 and 17 we are pretty much peers and don't even argue anymore.

My 5-year-old nephew has two sisters 5 and 6 years older than him. They adored him when he was a baby, but don't play with him much at this point because they are busy with tween stuff. In general they have a positive relationship - they get along better with him than each other, fight like cats and dogs. And they are only 17 months apart so if a very small age gap makes for a good sibling relationship, they are outliers.


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## Jojo F. (Apr 7, 2007)

We have a 6 year gap between DS and DD. DS is so adoring of DD and has been a HUGE help since she was born, he can do a lot for himself & me which is indispensible!! He's more capable of compassion, understands how to be gentle and patient.

Any time he hears her crying, even when he is playing with friends, he rushes to her side and she stops to smile at him







A life saver when I can't seem to comfort her.

It is a bit of a gap so they each kind of get a taset of being raised like an only child. I don't see that as good or bad but, an interesting experience.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

NAK...
Mine are 7 yrs apart and so far there has been NO downside. Granted, dd2 is only 1 so there might be negatives in the future but so far it's been wonderful. Big sister comes running if the baby so much as sticks her lower lip out and little one will stop fussing for my 8 yo faster than for me sometimes.







I try not to ask too much of my older one as far as baby care goes but it sure is a huge help to have an older sibling around to hold the baby while I go pee all by myself!
I'm sure the individual kids' personalities play a huge part but it sure is working out great for us.


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## minmoto2 (Dec 23, 2004)

We have a 4.5year age gap between my girls & almost 10years between my youngest dd & 9mo ds. I love it. We tried to have everyone closer, but took me a long time to get preggo w/dd#2..and then never thought we would get pregnant w/ds it took sooo long.

I loved the age difference between my girls..I thought I would never do it any other way. A lot easier than 2 in diapers for sure! The 10year age gap is certainly not ideal, but my girls dote on 9mo ds...he is one lucky babe


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

I'm 8 years older than my brother but less than a year older than my sisters. I didn't play much with my brother and mostly I remember him pitting me and one of my sister against each other when I was babysitting him. But we are still family.

Now my 4 are 2.5, 4, and 13.5 years part. My youngest has more in common with his 4 yo nephew than his sisters. He has grown up as an only child in a family of 5 adults. His relationship with his 2 oldest sisters is more of an adult/child relationship. It's his 3rd sister that he has a semi sibling relationship.

My sister's 2 are 6 years apart. While they might not have played much together as children, as adults they hang out together as much as possible.

My dad is 10 years younger than his next sibling. He is the "baby". I don't know much about how he interacted with his sisters but, as adults, I remember growing up visiting my aunt for holidays and of them coming down to visit several times a year.

But you can't assume that your children will have similar relationships if they are far apart in age. It's really going to depend on their personalities and your family dynamics.


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## spicyrock (Apr 11, 2009)

I plan to have children at least four years apart... hopefully closer to seven...

My little brother and I are almost seven years apart. He absolutely adored me, and while we had occasional problems, they were really due to financial constraints, not our age gap. I think our age gap was perfect. We remain close.

My dp and his little brother are almost ten years apart, and they are the closest siblings I know.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

I ended up being a sort of 3rd parent for my little brother. Not out of any expectation of such, but because I was old enough to be given permission when I asked to do stuff with him. Which was often.

He's the person we've chosen to be Lina's guardian if the need should arise.

One thing my mom did that really helped encourage us to do stuff together was we didn't get in trouble at all if we did something together, had to clean it up, but not even an angry look about it. Also, we were allowed to not like each other all the time. There was no pressure that things had to be perfect between us. It also helps that I asked for him.

Two of the best siblings I know are a 10 year old and an 9 month old. (







nvm, I see Minmoto2 already posted about them.)


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## columbusmomma (Oct 31, 2006)

My fantastic kiddos are a little over 5 years apart. While they obviously are in different age groups, with different wants/needs/likes/dislikes, they get along great! DS is very gentle with DD, plays with her,totally protects her, and is such a great help with her too. He entertains her in the car by making faces







, they love to chase each other around, he reads to her, helps her eat, etc. Now it's not like they're throwing a ball with each other or having super in depth coversations, but it works. When I see other adults with this type of age difference with their siblings, I tell myself, once they're adults it doesn't matter what the age difference is. What matters is the type of relationship they have. Of course I hope my children are always close! Oh, and it sure was nice not having 2 napping,2 having too many sharing issues,2 not sleeping thru the night, etc. Plus I've gained a lot of knowledge and experience raising DS without a sibling for so long.


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## TheBluebird (Dec 20, 2006)

My friend's DP is 12 years younger than his older sister and I don't know tons about his childhood, but I do know that he loves it that way and he told my friend he wants a long gap between kids, when they get ready to have them.


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## mommy2two babes (Feb 7, 2007)

There is 7 and 8 years difference between my brother and sister and I.
I don't have anything bad to say about the age gap between us.
I actually am a bit sad that my kids are not really old enough to have a clear memory/ understanding of pregnancy and birth with a younger sibling.


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

my dd is exactly 5.5 yrs older than ds, and it has worked out beautifully. she was old enough to really be involved with my pregnancy, and we really encouraged to take an active role with ds. she adores him, and he thinks the sun rises and sets because she tells it to. seriously. i am so glad we spaced them like we did. there havent been issues of jealousy, and i feel like my dd benefited from being an only for so long, and ds is thriving having such a loving big sister. it is nice to be able to focus on him while dd is busy with her own interests also.

plus, i don't feel ragged out and spread too thin with the ages they are at. i would lose my mind trying to parent 2 very small tots at once. i would totally burnt out and overwhelmed, and i know i would feel like i couldnt meet each one's needs. i know plenty of other mamas can do it, and i admire that, but i couldn't!

edited to add
my little sister and i are spaced the same-5.5 yrs-and we are very close. we weren't always, especially not during the first decade or so of her life, but in hindsight, my own parents didn't do alot to foster a relationship between us.


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## Conifer (May 4, 2009)

My dd and ds are 4 years and 6 days apart and I absolutely LOVE it! The gap is large enough that there isn't a lot of competition. Ds (currently 9) has always been so kind and loving to his little sis (currently 5). He loves to "teach" her how to do things and help her. Dd looks up to ds and thinks he is just awesome. I think that they just feel very comfortable in their roles in our family. Ds has never seemed to feel like dd was taking anything (affection, love, stuff) from him. He has always seen her as an addition to his fun. Now I am 24 weeks pg (this one will be a 5.5 year gap) and I am sooooo looking forward to it. It's been quite a while since I've had a baby! The kids can't stop talking about it and are really excited also...although they both were hoping for a sister and I'm having a boy.


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## marisa724 (Oct 31, 2003)

My sons are four years and four months apart, and it is wonderful. It was so nice to have an independent little guy when baby #2 arrived, and my older son has taken beautifully to the role of 'big brother'. I was just saying to my mom last night that he was a part of our little circle of three for so long, that it must have felt to him like we ALL got this new baby, the baby is for ALL of us. He's taken an active role in the baby's care and -- as a mama of a boy you might appreciate this -- has elected himself "Captain of the Poop Patrol", in charge of alerting us to a potential "Code Brown" if we don't catch it right away. He's very protective of his little brother and now that Teddy is 14m and starting to be lots of fun to play with, things are just getting better.

My brother and I are almost 7 years apart and I just adore the kid.







Again, there were enough years where it was just me and my parents that I was very secure in my place in the family. If anything, I may have acted too much like a "little mother" to my brother -- but on the flip side, he loved me too and would follow me and my friends around. Now that we're both grownups we still think highly of each other and hang out by choice.


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## savannah smiles (May 4, 2004)

My girls are 4.25 yrs apart and the spacing has worked out wonderfully thus far. DD1 will be 8 in a couple of months and she mothers her little sister and adores her and as dd2 gets older, they do more peer-like playing. I'm so, so, so glad we waited until we were truly ready for another baby instead of rushing into it!


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## aprons_and_acorns (Sep 28, 2004)

I don't know if this is the kind of story you wanted, but DH is 6 and 7 years older than his sister and brother and they have always been a very close and loving family. In fact, as adults the age difference has all but disappeared. They all became parents with a year of each other so that gave them something to bond over in a new way. My MIL says she wouldn't change her baby spacing for anything, and that DH was a big help to her and thoroughly enjoyed his little sibs!


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

No negative stories here. My sibs are 16, 13, and 11 years older than I am. We've always been close and still are. The generations in our family are completely wacky (ex: my DD is the age of my great-nephews), but who wants to be like everyone else?


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## guestmama9916 (Jun 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alexsam* 
Mine are 4 yrs apart. DS1 absolutely LOVES his baby brother. From when he got to clean him up after birth, he has been smitten. He hugs, cuddles, helps and plays with him. He has had zero resentment, no acting out... DS1's preschool teacher says DS2 is the best thing to ever happen to him- he takes such pride in being a big brother. He looks for all "brother" things, he calls DS2 "my baby", they play and giggle. He shares everything with his brother. He even wanted to share his bike racing medals that he got in the city tournaments ("One for me, and one for DS2..."). He fed him his first food, he pushes him on the swing, and when we pick him up from school, the first kisses are for his brother.

And, with a little distance between them, DS1 has his own thing going on- he can play, visit friends, go to school, be (sort-of) patient, can do a lot for himself so they are not competing so much in needs or attention. Because DS1 has a whole different life at 5 than an infant, it is easy enough to work it.

Really- its been great and I'm so glad we waited a bit.

I really think it is not age between them but personalities of the kids involved.

I could have written this post but my second baby is a DD and there is a 5 year gap between them. DD just turned a year so things may change in the future but as of now, DS is very sweet to his sister and they play together well. He loves to make her laugh and loves to help me take care of her.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I purposefully decided to have at least 4 years between mine and actually wouldnt have minded 5. My dd was so sweet and protective of ds. She is 4y12d older than he is. She started school just shy of 5 so that allowed me to have 1 on 1 time with ds I wouldnt have other wise had. She was sleeping well by that point and was old enough to understand a lot better when ds needed me when she wanted something.

If I had been going to have more kids there would have been at least 4 years between them as well. It is so much easier to deal with a newborn when you dont have a toddler needing you as well.


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## memiles (Feb 23, 2005)

We have 7 years between our first two (DS from a previous marriage was 5 when we got married), and almost 6 years between dd1 and dd2.

DS and DD1 have never had a negative relationship- they aren't close, but never any sibling rivalry stuff. The issues between them now are the typical teenager-being-annoyed-with-tween-sister stuff.

DS adores DD2, I think as a function of being 13 when she was born. He's very protective, very loving. I see them having a great relationship later in life.

DD1 and DD2 are great friends. The only issues we have are now that DD1 is wanting some privacy (she's turning 11), but they still play together daily. DD2 worships both of her older siblings.

FWIW, I am the oldest of 4, each about 2.5-3 years apart. I'm by far the closest to my youngest sister who is 10 years younger than me.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

My kids are 5 years apart. They love each other dearly. (Of course they still have normal sibling rivalry.)


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## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

Mine are 5 and 4 years apart.

When they were younger, it was actually very convenient for me, as I only had one in diapers at a time, one in a stroller or sling at a time, one nursing at a time, etc.

I think the older ones had less jealousy of each new baby too, because they were in school or preschool and had sort of a life outside of me, so they didn't seem to resent the baby taking up so much of my time.

And while they were in school the baby and I would have time together...when the baby napped, then older ones would have time with me.

It worked out really well for us from a practical standpoint.

It's hard to say if my kids fight more or less than kids who are closer together....there's a lot more to how siblings get along than just the years between them, you know? Their personalities are what they are, regardless of when they were born.

I know you wanted only postive things, but realistically, there are less than positive things...like everything else there are pluses and minuses.

My oldest sometimes resents being the house babysitter, and I try to be sympathetic to that but there are times when I just have no choice and it is part of her contribution to the household. I just try to make sure she still has plenty of time to herself and that I'm not taking advantage.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

My kids are six years apart. They are now 8.5 (dd) and 2.5 (ds).

They are very close. They sleep cuddled together in the same full sized bed, by choice. Dd adores her little brother, and ds worships his big sister


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## beansmama (Aug 2, 2007)

Well, my dd is 5 and I'm about to "pop" in July...so i can't speak for *her* experience with her soon to be baby brother - BUT -

My brother is exactly 5 years younger than me. We definitely had our share of fights - but we had a lot of fun playing together once he was older (4 and up, i think...probably sooner, but that's when he could actually "play"). We each had our own room but sometimes we'd willingly "move in" together and turn an entire room into a fort and play with ALL of our toys at once - barbies, gi joes, mc donalds toys, blocks - lol. It was quite the crazy city!


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## borbonmamma (Jul 11, 2009)

Mine are 6 years apart, the twins are 7 and DS2 is 20 months old. It has been good, but sometimes the twins are busy with their own stuff. Im not going to deny that DS adores the twins, especially DD becuase she's the one that's always looking after DS2. But they are not close.

It was the samething with my siblings and I. I'm the youngest of 4 children, the oldest was 16 when I was born, my other sister 13 and my brother 10, they are very protective of me now though and we have a good relationship.
I'm sure the same will happen with my kids.


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## pomplemoose (Dec 28, 2008)

this is all very encouraging i was so worried about how everything would work out between our kids. we have two right now 5 and 7 who get along great and fight horribly at the same time. we want to add to our family but not until DP is done with school in about 3 years so its great to hear how it all worked out for you guys!


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## emmalizz (Apr 14, 2009)

.


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## jillmamma (Apr 11, 2005)

We'll see how it goes for my kids too. My older two will be 7 and 4.5 when this one is born. I am not too worried though...I think they will love their new baby brother or sister.


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## bubbledumpster (Jun 22, 2008)

I was five and a half years old when my little sister was born. I remember my mum being extremely attentive to me while she was pregnant, and reassuring me that I'd always be special to her.

My little sister and I were best friends from the get go. When she became verbal, I was often forced to play the role of translator between her and my parents. We grew up in a very rural area, without a lot (or any) kids our age to play with. Maybe that's the reason we became so close. For a good five year period, she was basically my little clone. Anything I did, she wanted to do.

Sometimes, when we were riding in the car I would look back at her in the backseat with my face COMPLETELY blank and her little face would flicker back and forth between happiness and sadness, because she couldn't figure out what I was feeling. When I'd smile, her face would light up, and when I'd frown, she'd look crushed. That's how attached to me she was.

I moved out when I was sixteen, and due to issues w/ my parents, we don't get to talk much. At this point she is 16 and I'm 22, but when we do get to talk it's like nothing has changed (except we're both much more mature). She is my favorite person in the world (besides my DF) and we still have this incredible bond where we pretty much always know what each other is thinking.


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## kimiij (Jun 18, 2006)

**


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Mine are 4 years apart. It was easier (at least than I imagine it would be) when my youngest was born because my older son could do things for himself. He could understand and reason as to why mama couldn't do certain things all the time. He was involved in his own stuff that we kept up with while I was on maternity leave so it wasn't like his whole world revolved around his new brother. He was very helpful to me then as well.

Now, they're 7 and 3. They each are kind of into their own things so there isn't tons of fighting. They are both extremely active and curious and there's no way I could have dealt with 2 going through the same stages close together. I liked the break I got between changing diapers, nightime feedings, etc. My boys are so protective of each other, its amazing.

My brother and I are also 4 years apart and did not get along well growing up. Now we're very close. I didn't want that spacing for my own kids, but with fertility issues, I didn't really get the choice. I wouldn't change it for the world now though.


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

My brother and I are six years apart and have always been very close. I guess the roughest patch we had was when I left home at 16, thereby, in his eyes, abandoning him at age 10. But we had a pretty dysfunctional home life and we were all each other had. With loving parents in the mix, Im sure this wont be near as big of a bump! Not to mention, with loving parnets in the mix, hopefully no one will be bailing out at the tender age of 16 anyway!


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## confustication (Mar 18, 2006)

DD and DS have about a 6.5 year difference, and I love it. DD loves being a big sister and DS thinks the world of her. I'd happily do another big age gap, except that doing that would have put me well beyond my comfort zone for when I wanted to have my children (and due to health complications, probably well past any hope of fertility.) As a result #2 and #3 will be just over a year apart when I have #3.

I was terified of the big gap, but it works so well for our family, that now I'm terrified of the tiny gap we will have.


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## Devaya (Sep 23, 2007)

It's lovely to hear these stories, because I'm planning this sort of age gap between my kids, and most of my 'mom' friends are currently having a 1/2 - 2 year age gap between them (i.e. they're already pregnant/have new babies with a toddler), so it's easy to start doubting it.

I myself have a nearly 4 year age gap between me and my younger sister, and it's never made us any less close. In fact we've always been very good friends, and although we fought like probably all siblings do, she tells me I've had a very positive influence on her as a sort of older sister 'mentor', and I enjoyed having someone younger who I could lead in my role-play games!

One thing I think about though, is an aspect that affects the mother (parents) more than the children - the fact that the whole period of being really responsible for children, is more extended than if your children are close in age. That is, I fear that I could just be starting to spread my wings a little and start having more time for my career (I'm currently a SAHm but don't plan to be forever), when I will prob get pregnant and start all over again. To mama's who've done it, isn't it hard going back to that complete loss of freedom again?


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

I have found it pretty hard going back to the complete loss of freedom. I'm feeling it more this summer with kids who are 1.5 and 5.5 years old. Last year, our baby was still pretty portable. On the other hand, we're just all more flexible. With DS, we were total bedtime Nazis, for example. With DD, we're more willing to be a bit flexible if that is what is working for the family. She's also more the kind of kid who can roll with things like that.

I think our situation is a bit more difficult than average because DD has a gross motor delay. So, she's not walking at 18 months and that makes it harder for the two kids to play together. The two kids are crazy for each other but it sometimes feels like they don't quite know what to do with each other. That could be personality too.

I was very worried about this age gap and it wasn't my choice. But generally, it is working out fine. I wouldn't say that DS is much help with DD, but he's definitely able to understand when we have to do something to take care of her and so he has to wait.

On the other hand, while it is hard going back to the baby phase, it's easier to not have two babies at once.


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## Litcrit (Feb 23, 2009)

One of my best friends has a sister exactly 6 years younger than her. When the parents brought the baby from the hospital, my friend 'stole' her and carried the bassinet around the neighborhood shouting 'I have a baby sister!' They adore each other now, although they have different personalities and sometimes clash, and have been roommates for years while studying and working in the city.

My husband has a brother 7 years younger. There has never been any jealousy and they love each other, although they are polar opposites. BIL has actually been living with us for a year or so.

I plan on a gap of at least 4 years if we decide to have any more.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaya* 
To mama's who've done it, isn't it hard going back to that complete loss of freedom again?

I loved it and embraced it. I knew what I was choosing, and I really wanted that experience all over again. Dd was older and needed me less, and I was still needed to mother intensively. I enjoyed every minute of it, knowing how brief it is and that it would be my last baby







.


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I loved it and embraced it. I knew what I was choosing, and I really wanted that experience all over again. Dd was older and needed me less, and I was still needed to mother intensively. I enjoyed every minute of it, knowing how brief it is and that it would be my last baby







.

I would agree with this too. I did find it hard to go back to the baby phase. Yet it is a special kind of sweetness to have the space to enjoy my daughter's babyhood. With my son, he was a much more difficult baby and I was a new and not very confident mom. DD is a lot easier and I know what I'm doing so I'm really enjoying her in a way that wouldn't have been possible if our kids had been closer together.


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

Yes, the loss of freedom again is hard, but you adjust. My oldest was 10 when I remarried, 11 when my second came along. Not only had it been just me and my 11 year old for awhlie, he often spent days/nights or even weekends away with his dad, his grandparents or his bestfriend etc. He was also old enough that we enjoyed some of the same things, dinner out with friends, family movies at the theater etc. I had a TON of freedom. I could stay at work til seven or eight on a friday when he was with his dad, catchign up on work in peace while the rest of the staff was gone, go to dinner and a movie or out to dance with my bestfriend, sleep in late the next day etc. Next thing you know not only do I have a baby on the way, but my new fil was living with us and I was NEVER alone in my own home, that was probally hardest on me. Then after dd, I had ds2 19mos later and got ppd. I put 27 most between him and ds3. But everything in life is a trade off. I oten think that one baby fits more easily into the flow of your life than three and perhaps I should have spaced them out more, but I wasnt getting any younger and the up side is that they all play togather all day (where as ds1 constantly wanted/needed me to entertain or provide entertainment). Its just an adjustment is all.

My original plan for having babies was five years in between, so that each child got all that individual attention etc, I had read somewhere that if you put five years between, each child got all the beneftis of being an oldest/only child in terms of attention, IQ, stuff like that. Plus it worked for me and my brother. I guess in that case you really raise one, then have the next one, as opposed to raising a passel togather. The up side is that you only have one at a time in that very needy baby stage.

I think there are pluses and minuses to each type of spacing, close or far.


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## umami_mommy (May 2, 2004)

my DC are 4.5 years apart and DS adores his baby sister and is very protective and loving. he loves to read to her, help her dress or turn on her favorite shows on TV. he is a good older brother. sometimes he can be a jerk to her, but sometimes we are all jerks. KWIM?

all in all it's a very positive relationship. part of it i think is how the parents handle it. if there is a lot of shaming going on about how the older child is acting and feels, the older siblings feels horrible about him/herself and translates that into bad feelings for the younger sibling. there are 3.5 years between my brother and i and it's obvious that he resented every moment my parents spent with me and took it out on me for many years in a hateful and abusive way. i believe if we had had different parents, they would have helped him with his feelings and he wouldn't have abused me.


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## MsVyky (May 29, 2009)

My sister and I are almost 8 years apart, and I think it was a fabulous arrangement for both of us. I got to play "grown-up" and I loved that. She's almost 18 now, and we get on like peas and carrots- we're super close and have been always.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I like four years apart!

My sister is four years younger than me, and our brother is four years younger than her (so eight years younger than me). When we were growing up, I played with my sister but not my brother. I think eight years apart AND different genders makes it tough to have much of a traditional "play together" childhood. I also resented babysitting him when I wanted to be out with my friends (when I was 13 or 14).

But my brother gave me away when I got married (our parents had both passed away) and my sister was my maid of honor. They both lived with us for a couple of years, starting just after we got married. They chose to live near us (my brother lived across the street for years, and is now ten minutes away - my sister lived less than a mile away, and is now about an hour which breaks my heart but she loves where she is). We are very, very close. ADORE them both. Our youngest is named after my sister.

We purposefully had our dd1 and dd2 four years apart 'cause it worked so well in my family (dp grew up an only). Each kid gets their own one-on-one time, and it is easier for the parents too. When dc2 arrives, dc1 is ready for more independence - preschool, day trips and overnights with Auntie, etc. Old enough to be a real help, quiet when need be, fetch a diaper, answer the phone when you're nursing and can't reach it, understands and is able to wait a bit for help.

AND you space college (and hopefully wedding) costs out a bit! Having three kids with a year spacing between would be really rough when they got to college age, or even costs for preschool, camps, etc. My dd2 will just be going into college as dd1 graduates.

They also don't need to compete for the same friends, the same sports teams or band chairs or drama casts. They each have their own. It is easier to truly be happy for your sister making homecoming court when you weren't up for it too. Easier to accept being on JV if your little sister isn't playing varsity. Siblings I knew who were only a year apart had those issues, and I was happy not to have them with my sister.

So I vote TTC right now - timing is perfect!! You never really feel as completely ready as you did the first time IME. You just have to jump!


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## Melaniee (Apr 15, 2002)

Mine are 4 years apart, for similiar reasons to your's. I was terrified but guess what? That first year was WONDERFUL.







: Much better than I could have dreamed. My 2nd slept better than my first, my first adored his baby sister to pieces but was old enough to be in school a few mornings a week so he had time not to just be the big brother and I had time to be with the new baby like I had with him for so long. He loved to help with her and there was no jealousy at all early on, he really felt like she "belonged" to him as us. He was old enough to take care of some things on his own, old enough to understand he may have to wait a few minutes, old enough to go on his own 'special' outings with Dh or my mom.

I doubt anything is ever "perfect" and of course they've gone through some bumpy stages, but that's due to their vast personality differences as much as age differences.

I, personally, do not know how anyone can hand more than one "baby" (i.e. very dependent being) at a time. I think I would have been committed. I am very much a "One Baby at a Time" kind of person.


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## innle (Mar 16, 2007)

There are nine years between my mum and her brother, and some of her fondest childhood memories are of taking him to the movies once a week, and playing games with him.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

I don't have any parenting experience with this (just have DD who is only 4 months old), but my sister and I are 5.5 years apart. We were very close growing up together...at times we were each other's best friends.

My mom made sure I was very involved in the pregnancy. She did stuff like take me to her OB appointments, talk to me about names for my sister (letting me help pick out a middle name), and she bought me a realistic newborn baby doll that had a matching outfit with my soon-to-be born little sister. These things really helped a lot. My sis and I drifted apart in college, but since we've both had families, we talk to each other a lot.

My mom is about 12 years older than her youngest sister. They hardly knew one another growing up (Mom moved out at 17). As adults, though, they are closer to each other than the other 3 siblings (1 brother and two sisters) who are between them.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

I don't have a bigger age gap yet - as trying to have a second child is proving really difficult for us








... But here is my take on it...

We _decided_ to have a bigger age gap. There are many things I feel important that having a smaller age gap would have compromised for us. Such as breastmilk for example - you can't gurantee you will keep it during pregnancy (only something like 30% of woman do - and that also does not mean you will always keep it during all pregnancies if you kept it for one and decided to go for more children than two...) - So having a small age gap to me, where the breastmilk my first child (I feel rightly is theirs) could be compromised (causing them to wean far too early for their many needs) is not something worth risking to me. You also have to think about the common sense things... Oh no - my two year old is in a very emotional state (aka 'tantrum') and my baby is wailing and needs feeding and pottying ...who gets ignored whilst one is sorted out because there is only one of me and two very small children with very real immediate needs on my hands! (I am not saying its the end of the world or you are a bad parent if you have two children with a small age gap by the way - these are my thoughts and opinions and ideals for _my_ family) - But for me, this wouldn't sit right. This for me, is not a compromise I felt I would be happy with making. With an older child and a baby is _very_ different (and I don't need to have two of my own to know this - I currently am a nanny for various children and babies of various ages and I have loads of friends with children we spend a lot of time with - its common sense really). An older child can listen (an hear!) you more, your relationship/attachment/bond with them is pretty much established/set/good connection/etc, they have that much more understanding and patience - their needs are not as immediate as a babies needs are so asking them to 'hold a sec' whilst you meet the babies needs (and their understanding of this is good too - my DS by three knew that a babies needs must be met immediatly) is possible (in a calm harmonious way for all the family! hehe). Of course - when a child reaches this point in their life will vary. From my experience girls reach this point a bit sooner than boys. So for this reason I personally never felt comfortable with assuming where my child would be in '9 months time' - I would have regreted assuming my DS was going to change in a way that would suit me and having a new baby during the 9 months of pregnancy - and him not. I do not think it would have been fair on me to assume as it can put pressure on a child to change and perform beyond their abilities.

Your childrens personalities and how you are as a parent is what makes or breaks your childrens relationships - not how close or far apart they are in age! Do not bank on anything when it comes to the unpredictable. This is mostly because you have no idea what kind of baby you will have next. Your first may have been high needs, but your second may not be - or the other way around! And personality varies so much from family to family! I point this out because most people who want the small age gap seem to be banking on this and it is just not something you can gurantee. Your child may be good friends and they may not be. I personally am not having another child to be my first childs friend/playmate. If they get on - great! If they don't, it isn't the end of the world - my DS has plenty of his own friends. Sure, he will be (devlopmentally) in a very different world from their baby sibling - but I at least feel my life will be easier (having to deal with one baby at a time and giving that baby at the time the one on on attention the need from me) making me a better parent to my children (because its important to factor in your personality and needs as well - and be realistic about this as some people are good at stretching themselves thin and some people are not - I am not! lol), which can only help!

The only 'cons' I can think of are (the ones people usually mention when the 'age gap' threads come up!):

1). You will have to go through it all again ...that is, the 'baby' stuff - and being a 'parent' will last long - that is, you can't bank on retiring (as parents lol) at 35 with children off at Uni so you and your other half can travel the world and be 'free'. Though I personally really enjoyed this and am not in a rush to get it done and over with (and if you are already older when you had children, you don't have much choice in this anyhow) so I don't mind having to go through it all again even if I don't end up having another child until my DS is 18 and moved out of the house! lol So I do not feel this is really a con!

2). Arranging activities might be difficult. But it is not really. (assuming) there are two parents here - so there is always a parent to be there with a child if needed...like say if you take a trip to Disney Land! Little one number 2 can go on the dumbo rides with you and big number one can go on the roller coasters with Daddy - not that hard honestly. Perhaps this takes a more organised person - but I certianly have that covered (I am an OCD Virgo after all! lol) - so if you are not very organised, I suggest you work on it! hehe

Other than that - I have never heard of any other 'cons' to a bigger age gap.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Devaya* 

One thing I think about though, is an aspect that affects the mother (parents) more than the children - the fact that the whole period of being really responsible for children, is more extended than if your children are close in age. That is, I fear that I could just be starting to spread my wings a little and start having more time for my career (I'm currently a SAHm but don't plan to be forever), when I will prob get pregnant and start all over again. To mama's who've done it, isn't it hard going back to that complete loss of freedom again?

To a degree. But my experience has been colored by work status and age as well a the gap between kids. I was a sahm with the girls and a ft wohm when Dylan was born. And there is a big difference between a 32 yo mom and a 46 yo mom with a toddler. Dylan got a mom who didn't get down on the floor to play or who'd run after him down the sidewalk. Fortunately, he was easy to fit into dc and work schedule. But it did make one more thing to think about.

And the age gap has gotten harder as Dylan has grown. 2 of his sisters are now moms and interact with him as moms instead of as sisters. It's a natural progression of life but one that's hard on an 11 yo boy who now finds himself with 2 moms and 2 dads and instant younger siblings after being an only child for so many years. He is looking forward to Angela coming home for ComiCon next week. She is still a sister instead of a mom.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

My DD and DS are 4 years apart and they really dote on each other. Other than the occasional toy squabble, they get along absolutely beautifully. She has never been aggressive to him in her life, which amazes me. I was worried about the age difference, but at least so far, it's been wonderful. DD was high-needs and I really wasn't ready till she was fairly old.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

my sister and I are 3.5 - 4 years apart. While I can remember fighting like crazy when we were younger, we also got along very well. Right now she's one of the two people in my life that I can confide in (the other being dh). We have totally opposite personalties.

I'm 8 years older than my little brother, and have always had a more parently relationship with him-- he's not calling me up for gf advice like he does my sister, but he calls me for more serious things. We didn't 'play' together growing up, it was much more like a parent child relationship. But I love him more than I can say.









The closest brother and sister I know are 10 years apart.


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## leighann79 (Aug 4, 2005)

DD1 is 5 years 8 months older than DD2. MOST of the time they get along great. DD1 is 10 now and DD2 is 3.5 and of course DD1 gets tired of DD2 getting into her stuff. LOL Usually, they play great.
DS is 4 years 1 month older than DD2. They also get along great most of the time. I'm amazed at how long they can play together.

Both DD1 and DS were thrilled when we brought DD2 home. I really can't think of any major jealousy or problems. They loved helping me with her and couldn't get enough of being with her.









I'm hoping it goes so well adding in DS2. DD2 is 3.5 and DS2 should be here any day now (I'm almost 38 weeks now). She is thrilled. Talks to him and plays with him in my belly already. She is so sad that she won't go to the birth center with us because she wants to help with diapers. LOL She's looking forward to sharing nursie also.


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## Mal85 (Sep 3, 2008)

This isn't me, but my sister has two kids that are 6 years apart. They didn't plan it that way, but had a lot of trouble conceiving. She loves it. Her son was so excited for his baby sister and was a huge help when she was a baby. They bottle-fed and he was able to give her bottles and would help change diapers. He would race inside off the school bus to love on his sister.

Now, they're almost 10 years old and 3 years old. They're still really close, but he definitely has that annoying little sister thing going on right now. I think it's more about their age than anything else. He is trying to be more independent and she is trying to be a big kid and tags along with him.

My brother and I are also 6 years apart, but he's the fifth child and I'm the sixth. We did not get along at all growing up. I wasn't a planned baby, so my mom was always telling my brother that he would be her baby forever because he was the youngest. Then, I came along and he wasn't the baby anymore. It was a big adjustment for him and he really didn't like me until he was an adult.


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## dearcory (Feb 23, 2008)

I have 3 siblings and I am closest to my sister that is 6 years older. Growing up I was closer to my brother who is 2 years younger, we did everything together but as we got older that changed and even now we don't talk much. I think there are too many variables and in some cases big gaps work, othertimes the don't. My son is 2 and I always thought we'd have the next one soon after but it hasn't happened. I don't think I could have handled 2 under 2 and I'm glad my son will actually get to have that real big brother role.


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## Quinalla (May 23, 2005)

I just wanted to thank everyone who posted. We are pregnant with our first and for financial reasons would like to have our next child several years down the road. We may change our minds, but we only know what it is like to be siblings that are close in age, so this thread was really helpful to me. I agree that individual personalities and each family dynamic are the biggest factors for sure!


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## NicoleCS (May 30, 2008)

Our girls are 7.5 years apart, it is a little wider gap then I first imagined - though I have enjoyed every minute of it. DD1 is confident about her place in our family and her roles and responsibilities. She excells at school and other sports and activities, and has lots of friends in a wide range of ages. DD2 is 1.5 and her personality shines...her big sis is a wonderful role model and they enjoy their time together immensly. There are always going to be moments of sibiling rivery, no matter what the age range is...we talk through our feelings the best we can and encourage each as individuals! I think the toughest part for dd1 is that we slowed down a bit - meaning that she doesn't get to take every dance class offered and join all the clubs and that sort of thing...but from a parent's stand point - it is the best decision we've made. We were too busy and now we get to enjoy more family time at home and she decides what is really important to her and makes the choice.







All in all - if I could do it all over again - I wouldn't chnage a thing - well timing wise at least!! Good Luck!


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## deny_zoo29 (Sep 21, 2008)

My brother and I are almost 6 years apart. I am 28 and he is 22. We got along great as young kids, shared a room from his birth until I was about 11. We had our own rooms we when moved to our new house when I was 8 (bro was 2) but we preferred to share a room and had our parents put bunk beds in one room and used the other room as a play room/toy room.
From the time I went into middle school until I graduated highschool, we didn't always get along, actually there was a lot of fights and arguments during that time. But when I left for college we missed each other and have been closer since. Now we live in different states but still get along quite well. We talk on the phone and e-mail and when we see each other it's great. So I guess I can't say it was all roses and happy days, but it was a good start, and good latter time, but in the middle was rough! So there's my story! 

Now Kate's. Kate is #3 in her family her oldest brother is 11 years old than her and her next oldest brother is 9 years older than her, her younger brother is only 2years younger. She gets along very well with her oldest brother, they have always had a very close relationship. Her and her younger brother had the typical sibling issues, fighting and arguing quite a bit. So in her family's case the gap made them closer, where the ones who are closer in age have had more rivalry.


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## teachma (Dec 20, 2002)

My first two (a boy, then a girl) are 3 yrs, 7 mos apart in age. My 2nd and third (a boy) are 5 years apart. So from oldest to youngest re almost 9 years! We love everything about the age spread in our family-- wouldn't even know where to begin because we haven't seen a down-side at all!


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Jumping in to say our two oldest are almost 20 and almost 16, then we've got an 8yo and a 1yo and we're ttc for our 5th. So, ours are VERY spread out for various reasons, and I think they all get along just fine. The 16yo dotes on his younger sisters, and ITA w/pp about giving permission to NOT like each other! Sometimes he just needs to be left alone, sometimes the 8yo doesn't want to be near the baby. It's all ok!

HTH, I don't think it's the age difference that matters as much as the parenting style, ykwim?


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## haleyelianasmom (Nov 5, 2005)

I'm glad to read all of these stories! We're not even sure when we'll add #2 to the family and dd is almost 4. I really like having all of this one-on-one time with her. She's very mature and totally out of the baby stage. She weaned herself at 3 and I never had to worry about going through a pregnancy while nursing. She can put herself to sleep at night, she can help me with things around the house, she can entertain herself for a long time... I personally would prefer to never have kids closer than 3.5 years apart for this reason. my daughter was also somewhat high-needs and my PPAF didn't return for over 2 years, so I guess I'm not cut out to have closely spaced babies.


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## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

My DH is the baby, 7 years younger than his sister. They had a great relationship as children, and he adores her. She actually has been very distant on account of the family that she married into, DH will actually cry because he misses her.







That is an unfortunate circumstance, but they were best friends growing up and you can tell they still really love each other.

My MIL is 15 years older than her brother. They still have a wonderful relationship. She essentially did most of the "dirty work" when he was a baby, and she has fond memories of being a caregiver for him.

I could go on, big age gaps are very common in my DH's family and I have not heard any negative stories.


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## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

Just one more:

There is a 7 year age gap between cousins in my DH's family that we are very close with.

The oldest just turned 11 and he LOVES his little sister (3yo), he is very gentle and loving with her. He's actually really good with young babies, mine is 1yo and he is smitten with her. Last week he "taught" her how to play soccer (i.e. kick a ball) it was SOOOO cute!!!


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by **Erin** 
my dd is exactly 5.5 yrs older than ds, and it has worked out beautifully. she was old enough to really be involved with my pregnancy, and we really encouraged to take an active role with ds. she adores him, and he thinks the sun rises and sets because she tells it to. seriously. i am so glad we spaced them like we did. there havent been issues of jealousy, and i feel like my dd benefited from being an only for so long, and ds is thriving having such a loving big sister. it is nice to be able to focus on him while dd is busy with her own interests also.

plus, i don't feel ragged out and spread too thin with the ages they are at. i would lose my mind trying to parent 2 very small tots at once. i would totally burnt out and overwhelmed, and i know i would feel like i couldnt meet each one's needs. i know plenty of other mamas can do it, and i admire that, but i couldn't!

I have two boys who are 5.5 yrs apart and I could say all this. It has been a real joy to see the baby light up at my older ds and to see my older feel so proud to be such a sweet big brother.


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## momofmine (Jan 8, 2007)

Didn't have time to read the replies yet, but I wanted to respond and say mine are almost five years apart, and it is wonderful. I honestly could not have done it any sooner. I mean, I am sure there are great things about every age combo, and since this is all we know, then who's to say.

I would say it might have been a bit hard for DS1 at first, being used to being number 1 for almost five years. But now they are five and ten and they play so well together and that makes things a lot easier. The younger one plays up a bit and the older one plays down a bit, if you know what I mean.

I think that whatever works out best for your family, will be the right choice!


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

Thought I'd add a quick story... My sons are 4 yrs apart- one almost 5, the other 10 months.

DS1 was sitting watching a show. DS2, who is just crawling, wiggled himself over to his brother (behind him) and in his baby excitement, started pulling DS1's hair, shirt, screeching, trying to climb him. Basically, attacked him from behind in excitement, but attacked him none the less.

DS1 turned around... and kissed him. He gently took the baby's hands out of his hair, kissed him, and took him on his lap. It was freakin' adorable.

If DS1 was a toddler, I'm sure the first reaction would be a wollop. Toddlers are not yet able to understand a baby's innocent (but sometimes painful) excitement and will often hit or become angry. At nearly 5, DS1 totally gets it and is patient and loving.

Last night at dinner, the baby was fussing. I was run down after a long day. I was patient, but done. DS1 began flipping this little toy car for him to entertain him. Before you know it, the two of them are laughing hysterically at eachother. DS1 sings him songs in the car, gives him toys, keeps him entertained at times that are hard for baby, and helps me carry things or fetch them. He is really amazing with his brother.

DS1 told me today that he thinks we should "Have more brothers"







. Ummm... We'll see







.


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