# I think my nephew is being abused (long)



## Dahlea (May 15, 2008)

I would call CPS if you don't think you can talk/get through to his dad. His needs will be met if he's in foster care, and he won't be smacked around anymore. Poor kid, he seems really sweet from what you've posted. He told you he's getting hit because he trusts you and he's asking for some kind of help.


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## Sharon RN (Sep 6, 2006)

How sad for your nephew and your brother- and you! I'm so sorry!

Sounds like your brother and nephew would benefit from some respite care or an occasional in-home health aide. Does your brother have a social worker or a contact at his ds's school who works with his disability? They may have resources at their disposal to help them.

I wish I could tell you more. If you know the name of the school your nephew goes to, perhaps you can anonymously report this information to the disability co-ordinator at the school, and he/she could look into it. It's hard to do something from so far away.









Good luck! I hope more ideas come your way!


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## Mrs.Burke (May 14, 2009)

you could help end up his suffering by doing the right thing even if it would hurt.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

It sounds like his dad is overwhelmed and cracking under pressure. Hopefully when you call CPS they'll offer counseling and respite care to help him out.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

I would talk to the brother first.

As the mother of a child who has Autism and one who has ADHD, in addition to emotional issues, it is damn hard to deal with on some days. You cannot go out like "regular" families do. My son has meltdowns and is very loud. It can be very lonely.

I don't drink or hit my children, but sometimes, I am touched-out, and do not want to hear "MAAAAAAMAAAA" again. I am not proud of myself for this, but sometimes I have not been the nicest to my kids either. No raging fits or anything, but exasperated when they drop things, or make yet ANOTHER mess for me to clean up.

Recently, I found a place that does respite care for one Saturday afternoon a month, for parents of children who have disabilities and they will allow siblings to come too, for a small fee. Checked it out and it is a great program. I also have decided to join the YMCA, so I get out and get healthy again, so I have the stamina and am happier all around.

Your brother needs help, but maybe CPS is not the way to do it. Perhaps there are support groups in his area for parents of disabled children. It sucks to go it alone, or at least FEEL like you are alone. Maybe he would be willing to check things out in his area.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

I'm sorry but you have a 10yo child reporting he is being hit by his primary caretaker? And he's disabled and requires regular OT/PT/Intervention? And you're worried he won't get his needs met if in foster care??

Please call. What a hellish life for that poor kiddo. He's asking for help. If this is what his family life is like in FRONT of you, I can only imagine what horror lies behind those closed doors.

Please. Call.


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## AVeryGoodYear (Mar 31, 2009)

This made my stomach turn and tears come to my eyes multiple times. Please call CPS. Your nephew trusts you, it's the very least you can do for him.


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## dinahx (Sep 17, 2005)

I agree, I was abused as a child and never told anyone. If he is telling you, it is SO much worse than you think. It takes a TON for kids to rat out their parents. Maybe you could offer to take him instead of foster care? He is so defenseless, please help him!


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## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

dinahx said:


> If he is telling you, it is SO much worse than you think. It takes a TON for kids to rat out their parents. Maybe you could offer to take him instead of foster care?
> 
> 
> > I agree. If he is telling you, you need to interviene (and not just by recommending a book- for him to bring this us in a quiet moment, he has probably been planning it to tell you because he trusts you to do something).


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dahlea* 
I would call CPS if you don't think you can talk/get through to his dad. His needs will be met if he's in foster care, and he won't be smacked around anymore. Poor kid, he seems really sweet from what you've posted. *He told you he's getting hit because he trusts you and he's asking for some kind of help*.









:

Don't ignore this poor boy.


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## Sierra (Nov 19, 2001)

If you believe a child, any child let alone your precious nephew, is being abused you should report. A report does not automatically result in a child being removed and put in foster care (and foster care does not automatically mean a child's needs won't be met). This sounds like a situation in which intervention could help a great deal.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

oh man what a hard place to be for you.

however my first response would NOT be CPS.

with CPS you have no guarantees. either your nephew might be housed in a better place or a social worker might be assigned to his case and they would work with bro for respite care. or else he might 'jump straignt into the fire from the frying pan'. there is no way of knowing.

what i would do is give your bro a chance. see if he is willing to be proactive. not sure how you would find out what kidn of changes are happening.

plus there is another child involved too. wonder if your bro is proved to be abusive what does that do to his relationship with his gf and 'step son'.

my friend is a special needs teacher. what you describe is not so shocking or unusual for her. your bro needs help.

CPS is always there. see if you try directly reaching your bro. if it doesnt work call CPS.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
wonder if your bro is proved to be abusive what does that do to his relationship with his gf and 'step son'.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, so if so please let me know? But I'm not comprehending what on earth it matters what reporting abuse does to the dad's relationship with his gf? Who cares? A child has reported being hit, the person receiving the report witnessed verbal abuse and at risk behaviors by the abuser around and towards the child.

I have a disabled child who required years of intervention and therapies. I know how hard it can be. I also know how many times I've been reminded that these kids are at the HIGHEST risk of abuse by their caretakers. Not just parents, but therapists, teachers, everyone. Disabled children need MORE protection. Disabled children in a fluctuating home life with a stepparent are at an even higher risk level. The OP lives on the other side of the country. She doesn't know what contacting the abuser about this revelation will do to the child's safety in regards to his dad's potential retaliation. Add alcohol to the mix and this is just not ok on any level. Calling the dad directly is, to me, the bigger unknown. He could terminate all contact, he could abuse the child more severely for 'telling', etc. He's the unknown. Not the authorities.

What would it do to her relationship with the CHILD if she DOESN'T REPORT THIS. He told for a reason. For godssake...call CPS. Don't let this end up another news story that could have been prevented.

Anecdotally, when I was a kid people were concerned I was being physically abused. I was. The counselor from school used to take me out of class to play games and at some point I told him something, I'm not sure what (I was young). I remember him coming to the house and trying to talk to my dad. My dad called me in the room and asked me over and over if he had ever hurt me. Of course I said no. After he left my dad was SO ANGRY I got the beating of my life. It worked. I never told a soul again.

Please. Call.


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## PretzelMama (Apr 19, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dinahx* 
If he is telling you, it is SO much worse than you think. It takes a TON for kids to rat out their parents. Maybe you could offer to take him instead of foster care? He is so defenseless, please help him!

I agree. Your nephew was reaching out to you, begging for help.

Also, if your brother treats him that way in front of others, I hate to think what he's like when no-one's watching.

I would call CPS.


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## LeighB (Jan 17, 2008)

I would call CPS. If you lived closer and could offer help or resources and check up on your nephew, then maybe I'd go that way. But since you have no way of doing that, I'd call CPS.


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## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

Could you maybe get your brother to agree to give custody to you and pay child support? A long shot I know but just a thought.

I understand how you feel about trying to improve the situation and not knowing the best way to go about it. If your dn is taken by cps you won't have contact w/him and it could be a worse situation. On the other hand, the abuse at home is awful, and could escalate. It's def a situation that needs immediate intervention.

I don't know what the best thing to do is. Keep us updated.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
Maybe I'm misunderstanding, so if so please let me know? But I'm not comprehending what on earth it matters what reporting abuse does to the dad's relationship with his gf? Who cares? A child has reported being hit, the person receiving the report witnessed verbal abuse and at risk behaviors by the abuser around and towards the child.

I have a disabled child who required years of intervention and therapies. I know how hard it can be. I also know how many times I've been reminded that these kids are at the HIGHEST risk of abuse by their caretakers. Not just parents, but therapists, teachers, everyone. Disabled children need MORE protection. Disabled children in a fluctuating home life with a stepparent are at an even higher risk level. The OP lives on the other side of the country. She doesn't know what contacting the abuser about this revelation will do to the child's safety in regards to his dad's potential retaliation. Add alcohol to the mix and this is just not ok on any level. Calling the dad directly is, to me, the bigger unknown. He could terminate all contact, he could abuse the child more severely for 'telling', etc. He's the unknown. Not the authorities.

What would it do to her relationship with the CHILD if she DOESN'T REPORT THIS. He told for a reason. For godssake...call CPS. Don't let this end up another news story that could have been prevented.

Anecdotally, when I was a kid people were concerned I was being physically abused. I was. The counselor from school used to take me out of class to play games and at some point I told him something, I'm not sure what (I was young). I remember him coming to the house and trying to talk to my dad. My dad called me in the room and asked me over and over if he had ever hurt me. Of course I said no. After he left my dad was SO ANGRY I got the beating of my life. It worked. I never told a soul again.

Please. Call.

i know, i know theoretica. what i was intending to do by bringing up the gf's child is - the far reaching potential of bro's life being screwed up.

It really hurts to hear your experience. it really does. how can any injustice like that ever exist. how can that happen? my heart just cant accept things like this happening.

i have a friend who's children were taken away by CPS (loooooooong story) including her year old special needs kid. OMG she had to fight! fight! to get esp. her dd back from the abusive, money grabbing foster parent. in CA. now i admit all stories are not like this, and definitely good people are there, but what guarantees are there where the child might go.

and OPs concern with the present state of CA's services and her nephew falling thru the cracks are v. v. v. valid ones.

i think the path she has taken is a great one. research. plus confront the brother. they all need help. not just her nephew. if the brother is cold and heartless then of course CPS is there. however - imho - unless the child is facing fatal situation and it doesnt seem like that to me, that his life is at danger (emotions yes, life no) - a little time to try other options might be the wiser way to go.

i have a completely disabled nephew with cerebral palsy too. he requires 24 hours care and can do nothing except spoon some food in his mouth. i have seen the trememdous stress it puts on each and every member of the family. AND i have seen just how much a little help goes a LONG way.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Guestmama* 
Thanks for the replies so far. My worry with CPS is that CA is strapped for cash and social services are always the first thing to be cut, and I imagine this is especially true of LA. I don't want my nephew falling through the cracks. I've heard way too many horror stories about kids in foster care. If special needs kids are more likely to encounter abuse by their own parents, I can't imagine what the statistics are like for those in foster care. I know there's no guarantee that he'll be taken away, but the possibility is more than I'm comfortable with. I could take him in if I had financial assistance, but I don't think the state or the county or whoever decides would send him across the country to stay with me.


I know that in some circumstances, they will send a child across the country to be with family if there are no other family members closer who are willing or able to take in the child. I'm not sure how foster care stipends work when it's a kin placement or when that placement is in another state, but I think he would be elligible at the least for government health insurance. I would imagine they would place him locally, though, if they thought the separation would be short and if your brother was complying with whatever counseling recommendations they made, etc.

If you don't want to go the CPS route, you might consider offering to have DN stay with you for awhile to give your brother a break and see how that goes over. Offer it as a "you seemed really stressed out with DN, maybe you need a break" type thing.


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## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
I'm sorry but you have a 10yo child reporting he is being hit by his primary caretaker? And he's disabled and requires regular OT/PT/Intervention? And you're worried he won't get his needs met if in foster care??

Please call. What a hellish life for that poor kiddo. He's asking for help. If this is what his family life is like in FRONT of you, I can only imagine what horror lies behind those closed doors.

Please. Call.

This, indeed.
He is begging you for help, you need to help him. Please call right now.

CPS can give them respite care and therapy, help they need. The kid needs most of all. They are not out to take kids away, they are there to help the family.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

If you're going to talk to your brother first I recommend a few things:

1. Open with being very sympathetic to how hard it is to raise a special needs child. Think of anything positive you saw your brother do well while on his visit (anything!) and mention it.

2. After opening with a positive it's often easier for the person you're talking to to hear that you have real concerns. Let him know that while you know your brother is doing his best, you saw him do several things that in the end are having the opposite effect he means them to.

Ask your brother if he realizes that by humiliating and embarrassing his son he is making it more likely his son will NOT be able to do the things he thinks he should do. By humiliating him about dropping a game, he makes it more likely his son will be jittery, fearful and clumsy in the future instead of understanding his son's disability and encouraging him, which will make it more likely his son will do basic things well.

I'm not trying to turn you into a social worker, but if you are really trying to see if your brother can see how damaging his behavior is and hopefully change it, there are things I've seen that can make a big difference in how willing a parent is to even try to listen/learn.

Last thing I'd like to say is, if you think your brother is not going to change or listen, I agree with everyone who says you should call CPS (you probably have enough to call them now). But you should also know that most CPS agencies WANT extended family to be in touch and offer options for care of a child. It is VERY possible that Calif CPS would consider sending your nephew to you on the east coast, if you were the only family member willing to take him. That is always a better option to foster care, even though he wouldn't get to see his dad often that way.

I'm glad that no matter what you're giong to do something. By the way, if you're giong to talk to your brother, please don't do it in a letter. Please either call him or visit him and do it in real time. It needs to be a conversation t be effective on this topic, and like I said he probably needs to hear your sympathy first.

Best of luck with whatever you do, and I really hope your nephew ends up in a home that is supportive and encouraging, whether that is your brother's home, yours or foster care.

One last thing - when you talk to your sis who's an atty in Calif, ask her what financial subsidies Calif CPS offers extended family to care for a child, and also whether if you take your nephew, Calif subsidies apply or whether you need ot find out what your own state CPS offers.

Hope that all makes sense, I was kinda all over the map... Good luck!


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

There are no guarantees that the boy's father won't escalate the violence, particularly if he slips more deeply into substance abuse. Add to that repeating family dynamics (the child who is not the biological relative of both married fathers becomes the scapegoat and target), you are entering the danger zone.

There are *no guarantees* with the brother, unforunately, now either. Especially with his wife passively accepting it, if not fully participating (yet).


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## Brittany93 (Jun 1, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dinahx* 
I agree, I was abused as a child and never told anyone. If he is telling you, it is SO much worse than you think. It takes a TON for kids to rat out their parents. *Maybe you could offer to take him instead* of foster care? He is so defenseless, please help him!

This is what I was thinking, if your willing to take it up, maybe bring it up with your brother and say "Hey, I know your having a hard time right now (or are stressed out) maybe I can take (whatever you nephews name is) off your hands for awhile?"

Or bring it up with your nephew, tell him you've got open doors if he ever needs you, your glad he told you what's going on in his life, or willing to help, yada yada yada.

This is just what came to mind when I was reading your post, of course it would take some serious thought, you've got a family of your own ect.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
Add to that repeating family dynamics (the child who is not the biological relative of both married fathers becomes the scapegoat and target), you are entering the danger zone.

I'm not sure that it matters, but the OP's brother is the nephew's biological father, and her brother was _not_ the biological son of the man (her father) who smacked him around, according to the OP. So, it's not the same dynamic, although it's still seriously worrying.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

California will pay family members to take the children. My friends mom ended up with her grandchildren (after YEARS of calling CPS btw) and they were paid to take care of the children. The dad refused to use the money however and put it in savings accounts for the kids. Good thing too!!! Now the newly 18 year old has a steady supply of meth!









Anyway.. Yes they pay, however I am afraid it will take many many calls before anything is done.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

If it were my brother, I'd call and ask if he needs a break. Tell him that you noticed how stressd he was and that you were really worried about both him and his son. Offer him a break. Don't tell him what his son said about the hitting. He trusted you with that info. Also, if there's no response from your brother, then you'll have to call cps and you don't want your nephew to be the one responsible for cps (by way of telling you). Your brother shouldn't know that his son told...at least not yet.

Hitting a child with cerebral pasley is not meeting his needs. How can he stretch if he could be hit at any moment.

I'm glad you're listening to him.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
I'm not sure that it matters, but the OP's brother is the nephew's biological father, and her brother was _not_ the biological son of the man (her father) who smacked him around, according to the OP. So, it's not the same dynamic, although it's still seriously worrying.

I meant both married parents. It IS the same dynamic though. The OP was not smacked around--she was the biological child of both parents in the household. Her brother was--he was only biologically connected to ONE of the parents of the household. Now...his son is getting abused, and is only the bio son of ONE of the parents in the household--while the full-bio-related kids are not being abused (supposedly, or at least not openly--though it has to have an effect seeing your sibling treated that way).


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## uumomma (Jun 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
I'm sorry but you have a 10yo child reporting he is being hit by his primary caretaker? And he's disabled and requires regular OT/PT/Intervention? And you're worried he won't get his needs met if in foster care??

Please call. What a hellish life for that poor kiddo. He's asking for help. If this is what his family life is like in FRONT of you, I can only imagine what horror lies behind those closed doors.

Please. Call.

this. now. please


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## operamommy (Nov 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
I'm sorry but you have a 10yo child reporting he is being hit by his primary caretaker? And he's disabled and requires regular OT/PT/Intervention? And you're worried he won't get his needs met if in foster care??

Please call. What a hellish life for that poor kiddo. He's asking for help. If this is what his family life is like in FRONT of you, I can only imagine what horror lies behind those closed doors.

Please. Call.

This - 100 percent.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aniT* 
California will pay family members to take the children.

calif is in a reaaaaal BAD place these days. many many many programs have been closed down. right now there are no guarantees. i dont know if the snipping has stopped or is there going to be more in future. lots of programs esp. for the elderly (in home elder care) and children have been cut.

so i think its a real wise decision to do some research as OP is planning and see if they can get any leads into the system.

its really pretty scary out here.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I meant both married parents. It IS the same dynamic though. The OP was not smacked around--she was the biological child of both parents in the household. Her brother was--he was only biologically connected to ONE of the parents of the household. Now...his son is getting abused, and is only the bio son of ONE of the parents in the household--while the full-bio-related kids are not being abused (supposedly, or at least not openly--though it has to have an effect seeing your sibling treated that way).

It's not the same. The nephew's sibling is a half-sibling...his stepmom's son, and not his dad's son. I don't honestly see any way in which it makes a different - the OP's disabled nephew is being treated horribly by his dad, either way. But, it is a different dynamic.

And, yeah - the kids I've known who have had siblings being abused, while they "weren't" being abused were pretty badly messed up, too. In at least one family I know, the emotionally abused (severely) sibling grew up to be a good parent, and the "golden child" sibling was very abusive when he grew up. So...yeah - bad news for everybody.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

I'm really scared for your nephew that you have decided to call his dad directly while the child is still in his custody. It is very, very likely that the child will get a beating because you called the dad and talked to him-- maybe not immediately, but it will cause the father more stress, and even though he may try harder to be a good dad for an hour or two (or not), the stress and shame will bubble over and he _will_ strike out again. Why? Because one phone call is not going to change him, really. He doesn't WANT to be an abuser. No one does. But he probably justifies it because he doesn't know how to change it. And changing it would take at least months, probably years, and transparency, and outside help. Talking to your brother about anything that makes him feel defensive, is liable to trigger a beating for the boy, either immediately or not too much later. Abusers abuse because of their own shame. And I'm sorry, but I'm not terribly sympathetic to that. There is help available to parents who ask for it. He made his choice. He is now one of the bad guys, as far as I am concerned.







:

That poor boy was sooo brave to tell you. Unfortunately, when a child works up the courage to tell a trusted friend, in the real world, it very rarely seems to actually help. Why can't we just make protecting children the VERY BIG DEAL that it needs to be? Please please just call CPS. They are there for just exactly this kind of situation!!!


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionTigerBear* 
I'm really scared for your nephew that you have decided to call his dad directly while the child is still in his custody. It is very, very likely that the child will get a beating because you called the dad and talked to him-- maybe not immediately, but it will cause the father more stress, and even though he may try harder to be a good dad for an hour or two (or not), the stress and shame will bubble over and he _will_ strike out again. Why? Because one phone call is not going to change him, really. He doesn't WANT to be an abuser. No one does. But he probably justifies it because he doesn't know how to change it. And changing it would take at least months, probably years, and transparency, and outside help. Talking to your brother about anything that makes him feel defensive, is liable to trigger a beating for the boy, either immediately or not too much later. Abusers abuse because of their own shame. And I'm sorry, but I'm not terribly sympathetic to that. There is help available to parents who ask for it. He made his choice. He is now one of the bad guys, as far as I am concerned.







:

That poor boy was sooo brave to tell you. Unfortunately, when a child works up the courage to tell a trusted friend, in the real world, it very rarely seems to actually help. Why can't we just make protecting children the VERY BIG DEAL that it needs to be? Please please just call CPS. They are there for just exactly this kind of situation!!!

This is her brother, who she loves and is able to talk to. She shares a past with him and can surely talk with him before bringing cps into his life. CPS isn't going to remove the child and it can only serve to make her brother paranoid and feel less supported than he does now. He needs to talk, he needs support and options. I think the OP can help. I know if it were my brother, I'd call and have that difficult conversation, while leaving out what the boy told. I don't see this being a case for cps. It's a very stressed out family, a father working very long hours and dealing with a handicapped child. I'm sure he's not working 14 hour days for his health...probably money is tight and with a new marriage....It just sounds stressfull all around. She's not doing a disservice to her nephew by calling his dad. She already said it's not likely to be considered abuse by the authorities anyway.

It's all too easy to call cps and dust off your hands. That would be the disservice IMO.


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## rubidoux (Aug 22, 2003)

I haven't read replies, but I just wanted to say, first, that that is just heartbreaking and I'm so sorry your nephew is in this situation, and sorry for your brother, too.

I also wanted to mention my CPS experience. I called them in a situation I felt was fairly dire. A friend of mine told me that she was *seriously* beating her husband up. Like, she had literally blinded him in one eye in ten years worth of beatings. And she was saying things to me like, "my son is pushing my butttons now just like his father" and also she told me that she was beating her husband which I think was a real cry for help. So I called CPS and they did a big fat nothing.







They acted on the phone to me like this was a big deal thing and that it was going to go on the 24 hour fast track, etc. And then a big fat nothing. They did interview her then 4 year old son at school and he told her and she freaked out and I think that may have been a good thing for the family. Kept her on her toes at least for a while I'm sure. But they never went further with it.

So, before you call I'd think a little about how it'll be if they don't do anything. Will your brother ever talk to you again? Will you feel like you aren't able to help some other way now that he won't let you come around? etc... You may decide that it's worth the call. In my case it was. I still, over a year later, miss my friend and her son A LOT.







But in my situation there was no way we could still hang out. We had same aged children and there was no way I was going to keep exposing my child to her family situation once I knew what was going on there. And just the scare did seemingly do a little something for them (I was told that they consulted a lawyer who told them they all needed to be in therapy, and some other stuff). So I think it was best that I called. It may be best for you to call too, but I'm just saying think about all the possible outcomes beforehand and don't assume, even if you say he is hitting your nephew, that they'll do anything. I'm not even sure it is stricktly against the law to hit and shame him, unfortunately (anyone know?). It may be that the behavior you're talking about is totally above board as far as CPS is concerned. I found your story heartbreaking, but they may not.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
calif is in a reaaaaal BAD place these days. many many many programs have been closed down. right now there are no guarantees. i dont know if the snipping has stopped or is there going to be more in future. lots of programs esp. for the elderly (in home elder care) and children have been cut.

so i think its a real wise decision to do some research as OP is planning and see if they can get any leads into the system.

its really pretty scary out here.

This is true. I have been gone 5 years, and man I have NO DESIRE to return. I can't believe what they raised the state income tax to. Wow!

Yes.. do your research to see if the program has been cut, even though it was there in the past.


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## MommyKelly (Jun 6, 2009)

One of our dd was in foster care in California when we got her.

They jumped through hoops to get bio parents services, and with the shortage they are facing right now, they are going to make sure they push for "family preservation" And they can offer services to your brother. (Anger managment, AA, ect) It is hard to have a special needs kiddo sometimes, and maybe he has some issues he needs to talk to someone and work out.

I am not saying call CPS. But you need to do something. Your nephew is reaching out to you for a reason.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
calif is in a reaaaaal BAD place these days. many many many programs have been closed down. right now there are no guarantees. i dont know if the snipping has stopped or is there going to be more in future. lots of programs esp. for the elderly (in home elder care) and children have been cut.

so i think its a real wise decision to do some research as OP is planning and see if they can get any leads into the system.

its really pretty scary out here.

While it's true California is in an awful place with their budget and everything, you really can't make a decision about what to do based on not knowing what kind of services he'll get - you can't assume that because of the budget he won't get good service through child welfare.

I work for CPS in a state where the recession has hit us really really hard as well and I can tell you that how it's affected specific offices/regions in the state varies all over the state.

It is a dire time, and even in the best of times you could end up with a lousy CPS response. But I really hope you'll decide what is best to do based on what you think the best approach is, knowing your brother, nephew, and the situation. If you need to call CPS I hope you'll still call. If you need to talk to your brother first, do that. But be careful of thinking you know the level and quality of service you'll get if you call CPS, because there are so many variables beyond the budget.


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## mlec (May 29, 2005)

Wow. I am astonished at some of these replies. I REALLY HOPE you have not called CPS yet...I haven't had time to finish the thread.

Even non-disabled children get abused in foster care ALL THE TIME. Including being raped, or beaten to death, or caged, or starved. Disabled children suffer even more abuse since they require more care and are less able to defend themselves. There is NO WAY that anyone here can guarantee that this child's needs will be met even remotely by foster care.

Further, you said yourself that you think your brother would be amenable to change!!!! So tell him! I think a letter or email would be the best way, since it is less confrontational and you can very kindly but firmly let him know the truth which will make it even easier for him to accept and deal with.

Calling CPS before being frank with your brother would, in my opinion, serve no one's best interest.


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## tiffani (May 17, 2002)

While I feel like I'm in the twilight zone or something for disagreeing with Tigerchild







, I would talk to him before you call CPS too. I'd approach it as "you seem really stressed out, how can I help?" and stay in that place until he comes around and gets help. If he won't go there, or just gets defensive or angry, THEN it's time to call CPS, and I wouldn't hesitate. Your sister sounds like a great resource for you to let him know what is available to him in terms of respite care, counseling, etc. Can you talk to the gf at all, or did she say anything or indicate in any way that she felt like there was anything wrong?

This sounds very much like a fixable situation, but only if he sees that it needs fixing -- maybe you talking to him about what you saw will be the heads up he needs? If not, you can always call CPS, but it seems like the added stress of that might compound the situation, and seems like a... not a LAST resort, necessarily, but a second resort, perhaps...








to you, this is a really hard situation. stick with it until you see a good outcome, and good for you for protecting your nephew...


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## jennpn (Jul 30, 2009)

Foster parents have the needs of the child at heart. He would only go to a family that could accomodate all of his needs. This is heartbreaking. I don't know if the abuse here is extreme enough to take him out of care (this is an extreme measure) but they would intervene and have your brother held accountable. The fact is he CAN NOT treat his son anyway he chooses and they can let him know that. It also may be a wake up call for him. He may not realize the extent of what he is doing. I think a call is in order. Rather then writting a letter which may isolate him further from you. He may just think you have no idea what it is like parenting a special needs child and you can't tell him what to do after spending a few days with them. I would let the professionals handle it. Their primary objective is to HELP families not tear them apart or take children away.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Just pointing out that nowhere did I say that CPS should or should not be called right away--just that for all the people wringing their hands about what "might" happen in foster care, that there are no "guarantees"...well, there aren't a whole hell of a lot of guarantees with the status quo either.

I don't know why people have this idea in their heads that only monsters abuse their own children. That is a false assumption (though it serves us very well to automatically categorize them as 'other' and subhuman). The blunt truth is that MANY abusers do not start out being conscious or desirous of the evil environment that they end up creating. It happens over time. And yeah, it does happen with people who are otherwise lovable or who we love. Many family members sit on their donkeys and do NOTHING until things escalate out of control because they think that if they call their sibling/parent/cousin/friend on their abuse that that means that person is a monster or can't be redeemed. Life is a little more complex than that.

Many people who abuse their children are deeply hurt themselves, are deeply in denial (especially with 'minor' things, that wouldn't rise to the level of Andrea Yates or other news story), but because they feel like total crap for what they are doing it drives them even further in denial. It doesn't help that most of the time other people are willing to coddle them because of the Big Bad CPS and Evil Foster Parent images. It's so frustrating to me to hear people say, "Oh, it's not that bad, gasp anything but CPS!" That to me is just as horrific and creates just as much suffering for children as the stereotype of "Well, if CPS took the kids away that person MUST be an evil monster and of course they don't ever deserve to have their children back!"

OP, I am sorry, but your beloved brother IS abusing his child. By definition he (and his wife, IMO) ARE child abusers. However, that doesn't have to be a permanent label. Much of the damage can be mitigated and future damage prevented if there is intervention *now*. The longer you wait to see if it will get bettter--it won't. The longer the parents are accustomed to treating your nephew like this *with impunity*, the more likely they are to continue. And I certainly don't believe that either one of them have to be horrible people--they're just human, and it sounds like life is stressful, and it also sounds like your brother may have more work to do at healing his own wounds from the past. It's true that some abused children are able to springboard into good parenting on their own--but for many of us, what it really means is that we must fight against EVERY instinct we have, with less coping ability and a much lower rage threshold than many other parents, and if even normally raised people have moments of loss of control and doing things they always said they wouldn't (whether a swat or a yell or whatever)...how would anyone expect someone who was raised with fear, domination, shaming, and physical/emotional terror to be any different? And it's very easy then for us to say, "OMG I effed up, I am just like my parent, I am evil and horrible" and enter a downward spiral. Like the fat person on a diet who has something they "shouldn't" and then goes on a week long binge.

That's why it's so crucial that there be some interruption to this cycle. And whether that comes from CPS or a family intervention, or whatever--I really could care less, so long as it happens. If you cannot, because you are too far away or familiarity has bred contempt, then *IMO* you MUST involve others.


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## ananas (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
He's asking for help. If this is what his family life is like in FRONT of you, I can only imagine what horror lies behind those closed doors.

Please. Call.

Exactly. Your nephew reached out to you because he felt he could trust you and he felt like you might help him- don't let him down! He's probably never been able to tell anybody before, so please, do the right thing for him.


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## SquishyKitty (Jun 10, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sharon, RN* 
How sad for your nephew and your brother- and you! I'm so sorry!

Sounds like your brother and nephew would benefit from some respite care or an occasional in-home health aide. Does your brother have a social worker or a contact at his ds's school who works with his disability? They may have resources at their disposal to help them.

I wish I could tell you more. If you know the name of the school your nephew goes to, perhaps you can anonymously report this information to the disability co-ordinator at the school, and he/she could look into it. It's hard to do something from so far away.









Good luck! I hope more ideas come your way!

This is almost exactly what I was going to post. While my first instinct would be to call CPS and get the kid out of there, I have a sneaking suspicion that dad is probably really overwhelmed with all of the work that goes into parenting a child with disabilities.

Not that I'm saying any of the abuse is justified, but I would say that, in this situation, shoving tons of support and resources down his throat might be what is needed FIRST, and then removal if the situation doesn't improve.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mrs.Burke* 
you could help end up his suffering by doing the right thing even if it would hurt.

I agree. I think contacting CPS is the best thing to do. Even if all they do is start checking in on the family periodically or forcing them to get counseling, which is probably what would happen, that would at least be moving in a good direction. IMO, the child is most important and at this point he has told you he is being hit by his father and that's sad.







If you know this then you should do something and not just ignore it for fear of what may happen if CPS intervenes. It already sounds like a terrible situation for your nephew at this point. How can it be any worse for that poor child? He already has a handicap. It's not fair.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

So, OP, how will you know whether or not the boy is still being abused?


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Guestmama* 
The big unknown is how will he react to the suggestion that he needs help with substance abuse. After dealing with this problem with his ex and going to Al-Anon, he knows about addiction inside and out. So I'm sure he can see it in himself if he decides to acknowledge it. I think this issue is key to his being able to handle his emotions. I'm going to bring it up, but I may get serious resistance from him, in which case, I'll have to reassess my options. It's also the type of thing that can easily be hidden from or missed by social workers, so again, CPS isn't not the easy answer (at least at this point - to be clear, I have not ruled it out).


I really understand the connection you're making to how your brother treats his son and substance abuse, but sometimes the most effective way to deal with child abuse is to stay very focused on the abusive behavior itself. The substance abuse may be a big factor in why he's acting this way, but I guess this seems very secondary to whether or not he can hear, absorb, and do something about his behavior and how it affects his son.

Maybe that focus will help him not get as defensive about the substance abuse, if the focus is on why he's acting this way and what he'd need to do to be able to be more patient, forgiving, and not abusive to his son? Ultimately all the things he wants his son to be able to do he is UNDERMINING and sometimes someone who can point that out is the biggest help for getting the abuser to realize it and change.


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## LROM (Sep 10, 2008)

Wow First-Time Mommy, you saved a life. Maybe your friend's daugther would not have literally died, but sexual abuse is so devastating... thank goodness you were willing to act where your friend was not.

In the end, maybe she told you because deep down she knew she wouldn't and hoped you would. It may have ruined the friendship, but maybe she knows in the end it was exactly what had to happen.....

Regardless, you are probably the best friend she'll ever know, no matter how she sees it!


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## itsmyturn (Aug 17, 2009)

I would go to CPS before talking to your brother, because he won't know it was you who called it in. If you talk to him first he will likely suspect you, if you do decide to call it in later.
I would not stress about calling CPS, only rare and extreme cases will result in the child being removed from a home.
It is more likely that they will do a routine home inspection and recommend or offer family counceling if they notice a problem.
I wish you luck with what ever you decide.


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