# Should I tell her the fish died... or just replace it?



## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

I bought my dd, 4, and my ds, 21 mo., a betta fish three days ago.

Well, at dinner time, we watched it flap around in sickly circles until it kind of fell to the bottom, and it hasn't moved since








My dd and ds were so excited about their new little pet, I'm kind of wanting to just go to the pet store and buy a look-alike and act like nothing happened. OTOH, it's the perfect way to open up a discussion about death and dying.
WWYD?


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

I should also add that my dd is a "realist". (Yes, already, at the ripe old age of four, despite my best intentions.) She was joking around earlier that we were going to get the fish really big and then eat it! So I think she can deal with the death thing..... have I made up my own mind?







:
OTOH, she really loves her fish already... ooooh, I don't want to hurt her, ya know? Okay, okay, I'll shut up already...


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## feebeeglee (Nov 30, 2002)

If you can find a look-alike, I spect I'd replace it. I'm a wimp and don't like to deal with stuff like that if I can avoid it... we had 3 weeks of he!! when our cat ran away, thank goodness she came back. SHe would have been unreplaceable but I sure would have sent DH to Wally in the middle of the night if it had been a fish issue.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

Well, opur situation was different a few months ago as Bonnie saw her mouse die and knew what had happened. It was difficult but we talked about it a lot. She brought it up on her own for several weeks after. We waited until some time passed before we replaced her so B would not get an 'easy come, easy go, no big deal' message about the whole thing.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Well, it wasn't a big deal to my daughter when her fish died. I did tell her, but I don't remember what her reaction was. That was before she was 3, however. Now she is 4 and will be 5 in May. We got some fish about two months ago. The other day one of them was swimming on his side and I thought it was dead, but it wasn't. I told her it would probably die as it kept swimming upside down and on its side. We were going to the petshop to buy a wheel for her gerbil to run in, so I got a bigger tank, a plant, and some water conditioning tablets. The fish recovered once in the new tank, but she was all prepared to have a funeral for it when it died. She seemed almost excited about the prospect.

We checked out a book about goldfish and I found out some stuff I didn't know, including the fact that common goldfish can live up to 25-30 years. Dang!

Anyway, I say tell her and maybe have a funeral if she is into that sort of thing.







And then you can get a new fish, and if there is a book about the care of betta fish, maybe she would be interested in that. Molly really liked the book about goldfish and I learned some things about them I didn't know.


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## danaalex (Mar 19, 2003)

i'd replace it too. a 4 yo might appear old enough to handle the idea of death but most of them actually are not. they don't understand it. death is not "concrete" to them yet. you can test the waters first and see how that goes and then make your decidsion.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Our Betta died and we told her. She seemed to grasp the idea ok.

We waited awhile before getting a new one so it would sink in that he was gone.


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by danaalex_
*i'd replace it too. a 4 yo might appear old enough to handle the idea of death but most of them actually are not. they don't understand it. death is not "concrete" to them yet.*
That's probably why I would tell her, just to kind of ease into the whole topic. My daughter was having a discussion with my husband one night and she said, "Wouldn't it be sad if Mommy didn't come home." He said, "Yes that would be very sad." Then Molly said, "Oh, I know, we could get a new mommy at the store!" So I don't think death really is that concrete to her, although this was about a year ago, so I think she is grasping it a little more.

She got a stuffed owl and we were at the playground. She wanted to know what owls eat, and I said mice among other things. Wrong thing to say since she loves mice. She got very upset and said that owls can't eat cute things. She actually got angry and started to cry. I don't know why that upset her, since she knows that cats kill mice and she loves cats, but she just didn't like the idea of her toy owl killing cute little mice. My friend was there with us and said, "that's just the harsh reality of life." I was about ready to back down, but I didn't want to because my friend kept telling her that owls *do* eat mice. Then she changed it to rodents and Molly was fine with that. Of course, I just had to point out that gerbils are rodents







but she was running away to play and didn't hear me.


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## malamamama (May 13, 2003)

Dd's fish died and we told her. She is 3. She asked why he died and I explained to her that the water wasn't right for him. It was too cold and there were too many fish for that bowl. (Bad Pet Store Advice!). It didn't get all heavy and deep about death. It just was what it was.
And then I told her we could get another, but first I needed to read a lot to learn what is best for the new fish.
So I highly recommend that when you do get a new fish, make sure the environment is right.
I learned that Betas do better with silk plants, not live. Although they live in small bowls, they are happier in bigger bowls. In fact bowls are ok, they don't need tanks. They do like warmish water. And we feed them Beta pellets. They look like little tiny beads. 6 in the morning...that's it. I change the water every week-10 days. I hope this isn't giving you too much unsolicited advice


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## stayinghome (Jul 4, 2002)

I would use this as an opportunity to indroduce the concept of death. It's easier with a pet then with a person, and my girls started asking questions about death around that time. Let us know what you do, ok?


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## tnrsmom (Apr 8, 2002)

Moving this to Parenting Issues.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I am sorry for your loss.









I fear that if she is as smart as most observant 4 year olds, it is likely she will notice the switch and feel betrayed (either then or when she accidentally discovers what happened later.) She might not fully understand, but will know that something is not right.

Any library or book store will have a good book about pet loss for children. Or maybe you could google that phrase, there are probably tips on the internet somewhere.

It's sad having to tell a child their fish is gone, I know.


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

Thanks, everyone.
Yes, I am thinking that if she finds out (ie, overhears me talking to her dad about it), she would feel betrayed that I blatantly lied to her. She is very observant and she can sense when something isn't jiving, ya know?
Maybe I can tell her on the way home from school and we can have a little funeral for the fish. Then I'll let her decide if she wants another one.
About the care of Betas... I had him in a very large, clean glass vase. I didn't have silk or real flowers.... just gravel and a dragon statue. I treated the water with special drops before I put him in to make sure the tap water was suitable. And I made sure the water wasn't really cold when I switched him to the container. I also got him the pellet food...... but even when we got him three days ago, he just didn't seem "right".








Poor little fishie. Thanks for the advice, guys. I'll tell ya how it goes!


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## anothermama (Nov 11, 2003)

we keep a small aquarium and while our fish do last a while, I've always told my dd the truth....we had a big case of ick that killed three fish a year ago and she was about three. I pretty much played it off like it was no big deal...sometimes that happens to fish, etc etc. And she was ok with it. So, I'd be honest....BUT! You know your child best.


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## cat_astrophe (Sep 22, 2003)

I think you should tell her. My 3yo DS's first experience with death was losing his Grandmother, and that is no way to start out. One of the benefits of letting your child have a pet is letting them have a chance to experience death before losing a person. I know that sounds cold, but it's true.

Good luck.


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## calgal007 (Nov 20, 2001)

You should return the dead bod to the pet store for a replacement.


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## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

I also vote for telling her. I think children benefit from seeing death as part of life instead of it being hidden and kept secret by well meaning adults. I think shielding kids from death and pretending it doesn't exist just adds to the scariness when they start to figure things out themselves.

In the past year my dd has been to the wakes of one grandfather, one great grandfather, one great grandmother and then was there first hand for the unexpected (but peaceful) death of our dog. Not that I'm suggesting this trial by fire for all kids, but death is definitely not a taboo subject around here :LOL And yes, it's hard at times. She wailed for 2 hours after George died (she had been playing with him not ten minutes before we think he had a heart attack).

We also had fish die (not in this past year thank goodness!). When she was 3 I think. We had a burial in the front yard.


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## Leonor (Dec 25, 2001)

I would tell. Kids can tell the difference. I remember a thread somewhere about "childhood lies", and the fish replacement one was a common one. Tell her and then go to the store to replace it.


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## napless (Mar 20, 2003)

I would definitely tell her.

It is sad that the fish died. She deserves the chance to be sad about that. She'll learn that being sad is something that happens, and that you will be there for her in her sadness, and that she will be able to carry on. She'll learn that you have confidence in her ability to deal with sad things.

Just about every day there is an opportunity to "protect" my kids from scary or sad emotions. It's often tempting to do that - it would be much easier - but it is not what they need.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

another vote for telling.

I try to avoid the lesson that lying to "protect" people or for convenience is okay. Death is a valuable lesson, but lying isn't so...

Good luck!


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## eilonwy (Apr 3, 2003)

It depends on what your child already knows about death. Before my niece's story (which follows) I would have said to tell her.

When my niece was just shy of three years old, my grandmother passed away. She had been living with us and she fell down a flight of stairs while no one was home. My sister and I both got home at the same time; she had picked up my niece and I had gotten an earlier bus than usual, so we were both home much earlier than we typically were. I dropped my backpack and was heading for the kitchen when my niece stopped walking and just stood still. My sister went to get her and I heard her yell "Oh my God, Rynna!" and went back to find my grandmother lying on the bottom of the stairs.

I went with her to the hospital, and she was admitted at first to IICU for observation and later to a regular floor. When I came home, my niece asked me what had happened and why I had grandma's shoes and clothing in a bag.







She was very upset by the whole thing. My grandmother died in the hospital about a week later. My niece kept asking when she was coming home, and no one was sure what to tell her. I tried to explain that she died, but she just didn't understand and refused to accept it. A friend of the family tried to tell her that grandma had gone back to Florida (which was actually true; she was buried there) but my niece asked "Then why didn't she pack her clothing?"

About a month later, her goldfish (two of them) died. They were floating in the top of the bowl and as her father went to scoop them out to flush them, she screamed "NO THEY'RE NOT DEAD, THEY'RE JUST SLEEPING!!!" She became absolutely hysterical at the notion that the goldfish were leaving and not coming back.







We had decaying goldfish in a bowl until the smell was quite unbearable, because she wasn't ready to let go.























At any rate.. a fish that you've had for one day isn't quite the same thing to get attached to as a grandmother, but death is still death and it's a very difficult concept to deal with. I hope that your child doesn't have to go through what my niece did (it was a major trauma for her and now, nearly four years later, she still talks about it.







) but if your child is, in your estimation, ready to understand a little bit about mortality, animal and human, go ahead and explain it to her. Otherwise, replace the fish and move on. Personally, I don't know that I'm ready to talk to any three/four year old child about death again. I'm better equipped to deal with it now than I was then (long story, but I had an opportunity to talk to someone who deals with this sort of thing) but it's still very difficult to do and I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I vote for telling, but by now you've made a decision.

What did you do?


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

I told her on the way home from school yesterday so she'd be prepared to see the dead fish when we walked into the house.
She cried and kept saying, "Mommy, I'm worried about my fish!" I had to make the point, several times, that there was nothing to worry about because the fish was dead. I told her that just his body was left behind, and that his little fishy spirit was probably swimming around a huge ocean with all of his fishy friends. I also explained that he was probably very old and/or sick when we got him from the pet store and that it was not her fault. I told her how happy he was those last few days, with his big fish bowl and his pretty stones and the dragon she had picked out for him. And how lucky he was to spend his last few days here with someone who loved him and cared about him so much...
When we got home, I scooped him out and put him on a napkin on the table. She started touching him and crying, crying, crying....... so then I started crying and crying and crying.... and she looked scared because I was crying. So I just sat there and held her and told her that it was okay to be sad, and that I was sad, too, because he was such a beautiful, special little fish that we loved so much. I then gave a little eulogy (sp.?), telling the fish how grateful we were to have spent his final days with him, how much we cared about him, how lucky we were to have such a special little friend in our lives. She kept saying "I don't want my fish to be dead!" but I think she understands the permanence of it all.
We took a spoon outside and dug a little grave and buried him. She is still talking about how much she misses her little fish, but it's over now, I think.
Thanks for the advice. Now I have to explain why mommy's crying because daddy lost his job today. When it rains, it pours


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Candiland, I think you handled it perfectly. It is hard to be so sad, but it's an important thing to experience.


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## ja mama (Sep 6, 2003)

What a wonderful way to ease into such a deep emotional place as grief and death. You're approach to being thankful for your time with the fish and saying goodbye will be my inspiration when that situation visits us someday.
Have you decided to replace it, now, with another fish?


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## TamiJ (Jul 23, 2002)

I think if it seems like something that would be a big deal, Id just replace it. No use in making someone feel pain just for a lesson.
One of those "what you dont know cant hurt you" type of things.

if its not a big deal, I guess I wouldnt be deceptive just for the fun of it either. Id just say " aww shucks the fish died, we'll get a new one tomorrow if you want"
I dont deny my children their emotions, but I dont make smaller matters into big emotional matters either.


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

Thanks, mamas.
No, we're not going to replace it because if and when we get another fish, I'd like one that maybe requires more care but has more of a guarantee of living longer








TamiJ - I did bring it up nonchalantly, deciding I would follow her lead.... if she didn't care and didn't ask questions, excellent. If she was upset and wanted to hold the fishy and say goodbye, then that was fine, too. She instantly started crying and asking questions. So I simply followed her lead. It was apparently her time to grasp a fundamental understanding of death.


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