# Did you "know" you were going to miscarry?



## Bean Mama (Dec 19, 2002)

First of all, love to everyone here. It is a sad place to be.

Last Tuesday at my 12 week ultrasound we found out that the baby wasn't alive. On Friday I had an RMPC. I am very sad, but feel as if I will get through this okay.

The thing is, I think part of the reason why I am not totally grief stricken is that I always "knew" that I wouldn't have this baby. Even from the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test I felt wrong, the pregnancy felt wrong, and so very different than when I was pregnant with my 3 year old dd.

I felt sad, stressed and depressed pretty much the whole time I was pregnant. I kept trying to find an emotional connection to the baby but couldn't. I had no interest in thinking about baby names. I just worried about how it was going to affect my daughter and how I was going to deal with the sleep deprevation, etc.

And I felt so terribly sick. Morning sickness five times as bad as it was during my first pregnancy. I just wanted to be unconscious and nothing helped, not acupuncture, not eating all the time, nothing. And I had these strange shivers that would wake me up from sleep and a racing heart.

I even told a friend of mine that I had a weird feeling that something was wrong. And when DH and I went in for the ultrasound, we knew, even before the far too small image of our baby appeared on the screen, we knew.

I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar feeling while they were pregnant, before miscarraige. Did your body find a way to prepare you? Did you somehow know?


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## Mollie (Mar 12, 2002)

yes, I knew. for whatever reason, I just knew. I "felt" pregnant, but never felt like I would have a baby.

I"m sorry, that is such a sad time.


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

I miscarried my first pregnancy so I don't have a healthy, live pregnancy to compare it to. That said, I had an odd feeling that I wouldn't be having this baby. Especially after about a month after I realized I was pregnant. I too, felt something wasn't right and didn't see myself getting very far along in the pregnancy.

It was still very sad for me though and I haven't been able to get pregnant since.







I don't know if it was just worry about my first pregnancy or what. I just hope I don't have that next time...

I am sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you


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## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's so unfair that any of us go through miscarriage.

Yes I knew I felt "different" the entire time, I cried nonstop, something totally not me even pregnant. I just had these bad feelings all the time.

Then on Tuesday morning I had this sickening feeling and I knew something was wrong and I wouldn't make it to my midwife appointment the next week, that I needed to seen now. I tried to convince myself that I was overreating but that afternoon I started bleeding.


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

In all honesty....no. I thought this baby would be here in July. I started spotting really light the day after the pos hpt...I wondered then but dh and I had had sex that morning. On the next Tuesday the bleeding started and I still didn't think it would be a m/c.

I called dh and said..."It's over. Our baby is gone." It was the hardest phone call I have ever made in my life. I so wanted that baby....for ds to have a sibling so close in age. Our family would have been complete. I still have a hard time believing it really happened.

I felt very pregnant...my pg sympoms lasted 14 days after my m/c was complete. We actually thought that maybe I had lost a twin and was still pg. But even that soon after the m/c the hpt was neg.

But in March...I got another pos hpt...and I knew that one wouldn't last....if I was even pg....


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## Bean Mama (Dec 19, 2002)

Thanks for telling me your stories. Love to you all. I'm so sorry for your pain.


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Hi Bean...
yes I knew, without a doubt, that something wasnt right. i cant tell you what, i just knew. when i found a teeny tiny spot of blood on my underwear, i knew it was over.

i am so sorry. its hard. i found out at 14 1/2 weeks no heartbeat. i was so upset. yet i had a feeling, KWIM?

hugs to you.


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## Fab5 (May 2, 2003)

Hi Bean Mama - I came to this board to get some inspiration and support after miscarrying this week, and thank heaven I did.

I know exactly what you mean. Ever since the pregnancy test came back positive I felt like this baby really wasn't going to be here. I don't know why but it just felt weird.
I had some problems early in my first pregnancy but I had a feeling that everything was alright which it was.
This time it just felt wrong. And about 4 weeks ago - which about the time the baby I was carrying died - I felt very depressed and scared. Now I know why.

When I saw the ultrasound Monday I knew and by the look on dh face he knew too. He said later that he'd had a bad feeling all along but didn't want to scare me.

Maybe it is natures way of letting us know. I know that nothing could have prepared me for the grief I feel now though - it's overwhelming









I'm very sorry for your loss - you will be in my thoughts

Thank you for your post


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## alixzara (Jun 26, 2002)

I feel so lucky and blessed to be in such company...I felt kind of guilty about this. What a gift that I should log on tonight and find you all!

When I took the pregnancy test, I was shellshocked - not really happy as I felt I "should" have been. We wanted another child, I just wasn't expecting it to happen so quickly. My dh was elated, something he wasn't quite as much when we conceived our daughter, our first child.

I have been feeling that I kind of caused this m/c, that I didn't want the baby enough so it went away to some other mommy that wanted it more.







Throughout the last month and a half, I've been extremely emotionally fragile and volatile, MUCH more so than with my first child. I, too, worried about the reduction of attention my daughter would receive, how would I cope with an infant in addition to a 2 year old, would my dd wean during the pregnancy and how resentful I felt of that, etc, etc.

I did talk to the baby, but I really felt it was all a sham. I was playing a role, but the scene was contrived. Uncanny. We found out the pregnancy was indeed over a week and a half ago. I started bleeding this week. Today was the worst of it, so far.

Sorry for all the "I" talk, but my eloquence has left me today. Thanks for allowing me to share my story and accept these feelings.

I'm sorry that any of you should have to suffer this way. Hugs to everyone...
Debra


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## Fab5 (May 2, 2003)

Debra, I'm so sorry for your loss.
It looks like we are in a similar situation. This was supposed to be our second child, we weren't even "trying" and it happened so quickly. My husband was walking on air and I was very happy but had all of those same emotions your described.
Also, I weaned my two year old dd almost immediately because felt exhausted and I thought maybe it was hurting the new baby. And now I feel so guily about everything!

I am grieving with you. Your spirit baby will be in my thoughts.

Tracy

*I live near Atlanta also and had to go to N.S. Hospital, "the baby factory" this week for a d&c. It felt so wrong to be there for this reason.


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## alixzara (Jun 26, 2002)

Fab5, sending big hugs your way. I can imagine the turmoil and emotions you must have experienced at N'side. Oh gosh, I think I would have just broken down.

I'm so sorry you're feeling guilty. Please try not to beat yourself up. You were doing what you thought was best for everyone. I know it sucks, but HEY! You nursed for TWO YEARS!!!! Yay YOU!

I planted a garden for "Baby Dove" this weekend. Probably NOT the wisest thing to do while m/c'ing (shoveling and tilling), but dammit I was DETERMINED to make SOMETHING grow! It was weird, I found myself getting supremely pissed off yesterday. I guess it's one of the grief stages. I'm still mad, but not quite as much.

Anyway, my whole point WAS, I hope you can do something healing while YOU and your heart heal. Not always easy with a 2 year old in tow, but anything for your soul is in order, I'd say.

peace and healing...


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## Abylite (Jan 3, 2003)

Thanks for sharing!

I just had a m/c last night. I'm doing some middle of the night/can't sleep reading.

I lost this baby- we were 12 weeks. I don't know if I was tainted from having a previous m/c, but I didn't feel a connection with the spirit of this baby. I was cautious. I admit when I was approaching the 11th week...I allowed myself to start to get a little excited. No heartbeat yesterday. D and C. Done. I am numb.


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## Bean Mama (Dec 19, 2002)

((((((Abylite. ))))))

I hope you are doing okay. I am thinking about you today.

Lots of love.


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## mommybritt (Nov 19, 2001)

Yes, my last (third)pregnancy never felt right.

I miscarried my first baby but I was so naive, I had no idea that anything could go wrong (well, okay, I knew but not to me!!). When I found out at 10 weeks that the baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks, I was shellshocked. I had always assumed that you miscarried when the baby died. I didn't know about "missed" miscarriages.

With my dd (2nd pg), I was terrified that I would lose her but now, looking back, I remember taking the pregnancy test and telling dh "we're going to have a baby!" I think I knew it would be alright.

With my third pregnancy, it never felt alright. I knew we would lose the baby. In fact, when I took the pregnancy test, I remember telling dh "I'm pregnant".... I was waiting for the other shoe to drop the whole time I was pg and it did, on Christmas Eve. We went for an u/s as I'd spotted a bit and knew something was wrong. There was a sac and everyone tried to convince me that my dates were wrong, especially because my HCG levels were so high but I knew. We found out for sure the following week at a follow-up u/s - it was a blighted ovum. Again, my body hung on to the pregnancy and I had horrible morning sickness and finally ended up with a d&c at 12 weeks.

I'm now pregnant for the fourth time and am sort of in denial. I'm 4w3d and do feel that everything is okay but I'm very cautious. I'm seeing a psychologist specialising in pregnancy loss/infertility and she feels that for this pregnancy, my body is telling me that everything is okay but that I'm reluctant to accept that. She would totally believe that women know.

I trust my body and my last pregnancy was not the first time I knew something was going on with my reproductive system that no one else believed. For years, I knew that I was infertile. I knew that something was wrong. Our dr couldn't find the problem so treated us as unknown infertility but I knew there was an answer. My family all told me to relax, everyone told me stories about people who thought they were infertile only to turn around and become pg after adopting or giving up or whatever. I was proven right after 3 years when they discovered that my tubes were filled with adhesions and scarring and were essentially tied down by more scarring. That was fixed and I had my wonderful dd soon after.

Anyway, the moral of this long book is that I think our bodies have waaay more wisdom than we give them credit for and, often, when you just "know" something, you're right.


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## alixzara (Jun 26, 2002)

Abylite...I'm sorry I was too tired to post a reply last night. I know where you are, or were, when you posted. I'm very sorry. I know it hurts like hell. Do take good care of yourself, lean on who you need to, and give yourself time and plenty of love to get you through.

quote: I think our bodies have waaay more wisdom than we give them credit for and, often, when you just "know" something, you're right.

I completely agree. There's been times I've suckered myself into disbelieving my intuition, but dang if it didn't turn out the way I thought. We have to tune into ourselves, and believe in the knowledge we have.


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## Leddie (Nov 22, 2002)

My heart aches for all of you ladies....

With my first pregnancy I *knew* something wasn't right - we had seen the hb at 8 weeks but by 10weeks I was SURE the baby was gone. I told those around me that something was wrong but they all brushed it off and said I needed to relax, etc. I was actually angry with people around me at the time for not listening to me and making me doubt what I was feeling - I never contacted my midwife though. We found out at 12 weeks that the baby had died. I do remember when I was about 6 weeks preg. reading in one of my books about missed miscarriages and it really struck me - I think it was some sort of weird omen.

My second pregnancy went well but I was still paranoid something was wrong, but not on the same level as my first pregnancy.

My third pregnancy I knew when I took the HPT that it wouldn't last. I told my dh at that time that I thought it wasn't going to make it. I had a miscarriage at 6.5weeks.

My current pregnancy has been really different. I sort of had a feeling from the beginning that this one was going to be ok. It was a weird calm that I haven't felt with the others...I still have my moments of paranoia but I do sincerely believe this one will make it. I have my 12week hb appointment next week and, of course, am terrified despite my gut feeling.


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## CandyLayne (May 12, 2003)

no, i had no idea. i had no spotting, cramping, etc. i went in for a routine u/s and was told there was no heartbeat where there had been one 2 weeks before. i was 11.5 weeks, my first pregnancy and had battled infertility for 2 years to get to that point. it was devastating but we concieved again 3 long years later.


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## K4Karla (Jul 24, 2002)

I mc in March at 7 1/2 weeks with my second. Things were going along great (or so I thought) and then one night I had a bad (ominous) dream that I went to the bathroom and there was blood in the toilet, I turned to my mother (in my dream) and asked if I should go to the hospital, and her voice said yes.

I awoke from the dream with my heart racing and trying to calm myself down by saying that everything was ok with the baby.

Later that day I started bleeding and did, indeed, go to the hospital.

I am still breastfeeding dd at 25 months and wonder if this is causing me to not ovulate to get pregnant again, and wonder if breastfeeding caused or at least contributed to the mc.

Good luck,
Karla.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Karla, I am so sorry for your loss. Generally, Drs agree that breastfeeding will not cause a miscarriage. You didn't do anything wrong by continuing nursing.


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## jordmoder (Nov 20, 2001)

yes, I "knew" something wasn't right with our 3rd pregnancy - at about 5 weeks I dreamed I had given birth to a very bedraggled little black bird, who tried to nurse, but couldn't (she had a beak, obviously) and then flew off. I could hear myself in the dream say "that was a girl" Immediately after in the dream I saw a beautifully beaming buddha-baby, about 8 months old, and heard myself say "at least we have our two boys".

I stopped feeling pregnant on a Saturday. On Sunday we went for a walk and DH said "tomorrow we get to see the baby!" and literally I said "what baby??" The next day we went in for an u /s and the baby had died, probably on Saturday. The first thing out of my mouth was "I'm not surprised" which *did* really surprise me, although I did have plenty of warning. Sigh. 11 days later, I did miscarry that child which *was* a bedraggled little bird; by all appearances she wasn't meant to be.

I got pregnant again 3 cycles later and although I dreamed before I even knew I was pregnant that I had given the baby away because it wasn't mine, and did m/c a twin, we do have our smiling buddha baby who is now 13 months old, today!

I have become very respectful of my dreams.

Barbara, mama to

spirit child Jacob (10/23/98)
spirited child Noah (10/25/99)
"little bird" (m/c 5/18/01) and
Nathaniel (05/02/02) who mostly just smiles


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## its_our_family (Sep 8, 2002)

You know...I posted early that I didn't know I was going to lose Sweetpea. But I think it is absolutely possible that I was in denial. Now that I think back I really didn't think she would be here. I wanted her to be but I didn't really think it would happen.

What made me realize is that I'm 5 weeks pg now. And I feel different about this pg than Sweetpea. This one I feel good about. I'm not nearly as paranoid as I was with Dweetpea...even though ther is some worry but I think that is natural.

So, I guess I'm taking back what I had said earlier....so yes, I think on some level I "knew"


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## mahdokht (Dec 2, 2002)

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