# For those of you who lost babies during the delivery



## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

How on earth do you think you are going to deal with labor the next time.
This is TMI but even when i am in the bathroom and I am having trouble with BM I feel like I am going to loose it because it reminds me of labor and brings memories







I dont know how I am going to make it through another pregnancy and then when labor comes I feel like I am going to be so scared.
Next time I think we will be at the hospital but that I know does not guarantee a healthy baby, I have friends at the support group with perfect monitor strips and their baby was born not breathing like my Grant.
Am I the only one panicking over labor when I am not even pregnant nor TTC?

I am having a hard time tonight. I think I need to avoid constipation - this is so sad that even that brings me pain. At least my DH doesnt have to deal with the physical side of the pain









I know cord prolapses are accidents but I think I will be so tempted to want a csection. It all sucks. My Grant was my VBAC baby. I know I can birth them. I dont want a csection or interventions but I am going to be so scared


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## dylan27 (Sep 3, 2005)

You sound like you need a hug, so here's a virtual one.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

oh you are so sweet. One right back at you







We all need them here


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

We lost Ry during the last 30 seconds of delivery at 41 weeks pregnant. It scares the hell out of me to even THINK about getting to the third trimester because I literally went through an entire 41 week picture-perfect pregnancy, 28 hour labor, and 2 1/2 hour delivery and lost my baby at the very last second from an unknown cause. Due to this and other reasons regarding my pregnancy/labor history, I will be having a scheduled medically-necessary c-section. But, pregnancy itself scares the crap out of me...especially the last months of it. For us, we know that I *can't* birth the baby without interventions (two deliveries, two labors that don't progress, two small babies get stuck in the same part of my pelvis, 2 babies went into distress, and one baby passed away. That pretty much solidifies the decision for both me and my OB)








: to you. I completely understand the extreme anxiety and being just plain terrified...I'm right there with you.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

I just dont know anymore. My first was a csection because he was asynclitic. He had a couple decels but no problem really. I felt we were going no where so I had the csection after we tried for 6 hours to get him to correct the position.

With Grant... my pushing stage was kind of long but he had the cord that was visible at the very end... so I am thinking is this related? I dont think so but I dont know anymore! My midwife tells me my labor was totally normal!

I want to have a total 100% answer to all these questions. Would my first have been the same if not for the csection.. I feel my body failed me and I am full of questions. I dont want another csection but I dont want another horrible nightmare. I just dont know what to do. I guess I will have to talk to an OB and get all my records etc... It seemed to me like #1 was hard to get out and #2 was hard to get out too but is that normal... I mean I know Grant had a cord prolapse ... I just dont know. I know that the first vaginal delivery is hard. I dont know, I dont know. I am just terrified of that thing happening again. I could not go on. And yeah the last trimester will be horrible for me with dread and fear til I bring my baby home.

This is so horrible









For me both times I progress totally normal until I get to 10 then I seem to get a lip. But this time my midwife thinks that the lip was not a lip but the occult cord - which did not feel like an occult cord but a crazy lip. We are pretty sure the first time it was a lip because of the asynclitic presentation


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

Ok I have decided I need to get my records for both boys and start finding someone that can help me answer these difficult questions









My DH will be calling both midwives that helped us both times and we will start scheduling interviews with OBs to see what the opinions are.

Being pro active might help. but my DH has to do it all ... I can't handle it.
Thank God for him


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

I lost my son at the beginning of my third trimester but I still wanted to respond...

Yes, you will be scared. Yes, you will have days that you wondered why did I ever get pregnant again. Yes, this terror will seem overwhelming but I knew I was ready again when my fear of not having a baby at home was greater than my fear of losing another baby. You have already done the toughest thing...said goodbye to a baby. I promise you can handle another pregnancy.

How people handle it is different. I became obsessed with doctor's visits and checking my second son's heartbeat. Others turn to the spiritual side. I think the best piece of advice I could give...be open and allow yourself to change your mind. You now know that this is not an "automatic". If you think you want more interventions this time around and then you change your mind, that's ok. If you think "hell, no to a c-section" and then in your last trimester you panic and want on, that's ok. At the end of the decision, your desire is to bring your baby home...how you do it almost becomes irrelevant. I don't think back to the birth of my second son and say "oh why oh why did I have the epidural"...instead I say "he came home".

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

Thanks for the wisdom... I think I am having a low because today Grant would be three months


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

The three month mark is always hard. Be gentle with yourself.

I am pregnant and have had quite a lot of times wondering about the labor/birth.

DS was footling breech, so I am thinking I will want a lot of reassurance about this baby's position. It also helps that the CNM I am seeing has done hundreds of breeches vaginally, and could probably do it in her sleep. She gave Dh and I a little demonstration/tutorial on what she does with breech births. It was very educational, and reassuring that she really does know her stuff.

I read "Birthing From Within" earlier in this pregnancy. It was SO helpful! It brought out a lot of stuff I didn't even realize was there, and helped me examine why I felt that way, and "Deal" with those issues.

I'm a very strong-willed person, I am determined to give this baby the best start I can... now I also realize I cannot possibly predict what I will feel like at the time. I am very thankful for this baby, and I want to enjoy every moment I am given as much as I can, but it's REALLY hard being pregnant and missing my baby at the same time. I've never had this much difficulty emotionally or physically during pregnancy (and really, by most standards I've had a very "easy" pregnancy, I'm not complaining just observing how different this pregnanyc has been from my previous pregnancies).

I think it helps in my case that I have already had four uncomplicated pregnancies, and three easy straightforward births. I can look back to that time, and remember "I have done this. I CAN do this."

I hope you are able to find some peace, and work through these worries and fears so you are more able to enjoy your pregnancy when you are ready to get pregnant again.

Kathryn


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

barcino,
i wanted to tell you that in my limited experience so far anyway, the fears associated with pregnancy after loss are very similiar to the grieving process... they come and go in waves and vary in intensity, but they are definately present, something i am living with. i guess its like having two storms happening at once- one is a windstorm, one a rainstorm. i say this because i wanted to give you some hopefulness that your fears will maybe not be so intense all the time, and with time you may be able to have a little control over them, through therapy of some kind.

when i read your post, i thought that self-hypnosis may be useful in calming your fears of reoccurance... i used hypnobirthing during my labor with coral and i am convinced it aided me in so many ways. when you are ready, daily self-affirmations about trusting your healthy body, beilieving that you can give birth to a healthy living baby, and lots of love affirmations thrown in may help put you in a sense of peace, not totally absent of the awareness that you have concerns of reoccurance, but a calmness that will be a base to help you maintain a calmness throughout a future pregnancy. i don't know... even after typing that, i had a moment of doubt about what i was typing- i have yet to do any self-affirmations, and i live everyday with a copious amount of fear washing around me. i am going to try though, because i have to remember that many many many women have had a subsequent pregnancy that resulted in a living healthy baby after a loss.

living with the unknown is ridiculously hard, especially when we want answers so badly to help us with a future pregnancy. i think you should definately gather as much and any info you can about your pregnancies and births, because having all that will help you make decisions about your next pregnancy. asking for and reading through coral's records and my record's of my pregnancy with her was very very helpful to me, it gave me a little more info than i originally had, and a tiny bit more closure.

as far as my fears about going through this again... we think coral died at the onset of my labor- not necessarily due to my labor, but really who knows- we have no answers. so i think that i may be extra fearful when the end of my pregnancy comes. a lot of my fears now are about having a m/c. with coral i didnt give it a thought. i know going into this pregnancy that they want to induce me 1 week early. this will most likely be what happens, unless i manage to go into labor on my own earlier than that. i realized that i had to give up a lot of what i had with my pregnancy with coral- all my birthing preferences and my birth plan will probably be way less relevant this time around, especially if they give me pitocin







but i will try to work within the parameters of this difficult situation to have the best, most gentle birth i can provide this baby, just like i did with coral. i am more open to anything that may arrise, understanding now that yes, things do arrise and yes, babies die and no, you just don't get what you want and need. every baby's birth is an absolute miracle.

a friend recently had her baby. she planned a homebirth with her midwife attending. she transfered to the local hospital and the baby had to be suctioned out of her- not time for emergency c-section. the baby went to the nicu at another hospital, and thankfully was revived and is back home with his mom now. it all worked out. what happened is that her baby had a short umbilical cord, wrapped twice around his neck. there was nothing that could have changed this physical fact. she felt a little guilty at choosing homebirth after... what if she was at the hospital to start? would it have changed things? no, really not. i think about what would have happened if i had a very managed pregnancy at a larger hospital. i probably would have been induced long before i ended up going into labor naturally, and maybe there would have been a different outcome, maybe coral would have been with me now. but the fact is is that i made decisions that i truely felt were best for my baby and me at that time. so this next pregnancy i will be more managed. i am willing to give up my ideal for some safety nets under me. other than that, all i have is hope that what took coral away from us wont come again. just hope. it doesn't seem like much to go on, but hope has brought many people through horrible terrible experiences. mayve it will do the same for us?

sorry for the length!!! i hope you're doing alright barcino. i remember the 3-month anniversary too, and it was a barren, quiet, sorrowful place. i am so sorry. you have a lot of support here, and you're in my thoughts...


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

After my post yesterday, I spent some time reading and researching EFT.

I went to http://www.emofree.com and downloaded the free manual. I didn't really think it would work, but I was pleasantly surprised to get some positive reults. I feel much better today. Not that there's no sadness, but I don't feel the same tightness in my chest, and I don't feel nearly as overwhelmed as I did.

It's 100% free, easy to learn how to do, and if it doens't work, you're not out anything. If it even makes things slightly better, hey, that's a good thing, right?

I have a feeling if I keep getting decent results, I will be using this a lot as labor/birth get closer.

Kathryn


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## Barcino (Aug 25, 2004)

Thanks to the both of you for your wisdom and care. I talked to DH about it all and just knowing that he is going to start getting records and we are going to talk to drs and midwifes makes me feel better. If it makes any sense I just want to have a plan of action before we TTC. I know things might change but I want to know if they say you need to sign up for a csection or if they can see if there is something weird in my pelvis that might make me prone to cord prolapse again or something. I am an action driven person and to just sit without doing anything is really taking a toll on me.
I know what I can do... get in shape. I was in excellent shape when Grant was born... lost all my baby weight the day he was born and was 10 lbs lighter in a week and now I have ate it all up and some. I am 5 lbs heavier than before I got pregant with him. So that should be my goal to be healthy, gather info and try to start planning my next pregnancy.
I will so appreciate having you ladies if I am ever blessed to be pregnant again!


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