# Christian alternatives to Pearlman?



## mmomosedc (Sep 25, 2006)

My friend called me up yesterday SO excited about this new parenting philosophy she had been introduced to it. She didn't have time to talk much, but gave me the website.

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/topics/c...-old-screamer/

Turns out to be the Pearlman's. I'm completely horrified by much of what I've read on this website such as:

Pulling an infants hair when they bite while nursing
Spanking a four month old with a switch to discourage stair climbing
Cry it out parenting because we wouldn't want the baby to learn to "manipulate adults into constant servitude."
And it goes on.

I feel so sad about this. I know my friend loves her three boys and wants the best for them. They're such sweet children too. I need to be able to counter this by suggesting parenting alternatives that she finds palatable.

I need Christian websites that teach gentle parenting in a way that is palatable to someone who leans towards Pearlman and Ezzo.

Suggestions please!


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## jmmsunshine (Mar 9, 2007)

Dr Sears - all the way!!!!!


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## Meredith&Alexander (May 23, 2005)

I'm not sure it will appeal to someone enamored of the Pearls, but Dr. Sears' "Complete Book of Christian Parenting and Child Care" is a good one. I give it as a shower gift to mamas who I think will be influenced that direction.

http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Book-.../dp/0805461981


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## jmmsunshine (Mar 9, 2007)

Another thought... she's Christian right? How about the BIBLE? I mean, how does God deal with her?

The last time I checked, I've NEVER cried out to God for help and had Him say, "Well, you're not going to manipulate me, you'll just have to cry it out!" Instead, each and every time I've cried out to God, He is immediately there, reaching out to me, holding me, comforting me.

I've done a LOT of stupid, stupid things in my life, but at no time did God ever look at me and say, "Well, I'm going to give you a beating for that." Instead, God allows me my dignity by letting me make my mistakes and living with the consequences of them. And is always there, with open arms, waiting for me.

If we're Christian, and we're saved by grace alone, and God is our Father, isn't that who we should look to for how-to parenting advice. Isn't He the perfect parent that we are supposed to follow?


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

www.gentlechristianmothers.com

Might do your friend good to know how these methods killed a child:

http://www.newsobserver.com/102/story/418676.html


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

I second the gentle christian mothers site. Tons of wonderful info there. Sears is good, as is Dr. Crystal Lutton, who wrote biblical parenting. HTH


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## jmmsunshine (Mar 9, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
www.gentlechristianmothers.com

Might do your friend good to know how these methods killed a child:

http://www.newsobserver.com/102/story/418676.html

GREAT RESOURCES!!!! THANKS for sharing!


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## 63977 (Sep 14, 2006)

jmmsunshine, that was an excellent post!


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## mmomosedc (Sep 25, 2006)

Thanks so much for the links!


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## mnpetnurse (Dec 2, 2005)

Oh, good for YOU for standing up for these boys.

Try this link:
http://www.kjsl.com/~lindav/notrain.htm


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## mnpetnurse (Dec 2, 2005)

OH, and this link too

http://www.stoptherod.net/


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## TanyaS (Jun 24, 2003)

www.aolff.org


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

I can't imagine a sane person being excited about the Pearls. Even if I weren't an AP type I would find them absolutely abusive. I wonder about the mental health of anyone who could ever take their recommendations. I hope some of these resources get through to your friend.


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## spruce (Dec 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SublimeBirthGirl* 
I can't imagine a sane person being excited about the Pearls. Even if I weren't an AP type I would find them absolutely abusive. I wonder about the mental health of anyone who could ever take their recommendations. I hope some of these resources get through to your friend.

This kind of post is ( IMHO ), hurtful and unhelpful.

Most of us came to parenting through a system of trial and much error.

For instance, I was told that I had to stop being a vegan because my child, "Wouldn't develop a brain," if I didn't eat meat and drink milk.







: I didn't know any better, and left my vegan diet for a very carnivorous and milk-heavy one (even though I loathe milk).

SOme would say I harmed my child by introducing toxins contained in meat and milk to my body as I was growing a baby (and then nursing). I simply didn't know any better...but in all my years of parenting, I have learned a lot.

Calling a person's mental health into question because they disagree with you is unhelpful and, frankly, arrogant.

I abhor the NGJ philosophy, but I can see how someone new to parenting would find it to be a goldmine of information. THose people present themselves as warriors for the Christian G-d, whose only desire is to help children grow in Christ. If a new parent knew no better, was as nervous as most of us are upon birthing our first babies, and had no alternatives which they thought were Xian enough...

well, I can see how they might be turned to the dark side.

The Pearlmans are awful for the abuse they help perpetuate...but parents with real concerns and real need for guidance are not at fault if they don't know that there are alternatives. We are hopefully here to offer supportive, gentle advice and resources...not solely criticism of a mother's mental balance.

with love,

penelope


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

IMO there is a big difference between worrying about how your dietary issues might affect your kids' health, and thinking it's a great idea to beat a 4 month old with a switch for climbing stairs. I think anyone who is drawn to the Pearls needs some serious therapy. I mean, real-life therapy, not just me saying "Gee, they must be nuts." If the idea of the Pearl's guidelines for discipline appeal to them, they need some counseling.


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## redhotmama (Nov 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *motheringforme* 
jmmsunshine, that was an excellent post!

I second that, WOW! Thanks for the uplift


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## spruce (Dec 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SublimeBirthGirl* 
IMO there is a big difference between worrying about how your dietary issues might affect your kids' health, and thinking it's a great idea to beat a 4 month old with a switch for climbing stairs. I think anyone who is drawn to the Pearls needs some serious therapy. I mean, real-life therapy, not just me saying "Gee, they must be nuts." If the idea of the Pearl's guidelines for discipline appeal to them, they need some counseling.

Goodness, I agree, I AGREE that people who think 4month olds should be switched would benefit from therapy! I'm just saying that thinking these people are INHERENTLY evil because their fears of parenting "wrongly" lead them to follow people like the Pearlmans is misguided.

These mothers and fathers love their children as much as you do. As much as I do. THey simply have not had the education, experience, or exposure to gentle parenting. Unfortunately, punitive discipline like this is portrayed in many religious faiths as a parent's DUTY to their child.









I'm just trying to say that just because someone was mislead by the Pearlman philosophy, they are not inherently bad parents. They are parents searching for a "right" way to raise up their children.

with love, penelope


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## angelcat (Feb 23, 2006)

I might check out the Dr. Sears book myself. Altho I'm not really ap or into GD. But, I abhor the Pearls. My first introduction to them was a website where a woman was tlaking aobut how she used their techiniques, and how much better her kids were than friends kids. She said during a visit at a friend's house, the friend's kids interrupted several times, and her kids did not. Even when one of them fell off a rocking horse and got a big bump on his head. She was so proud.







:


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I think their names are Michael and Debi Pearl, not Pearlman....


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *spruce* 
Goodness, I agree, I AGREE that people who think 4month olds should be switched would benefit from therapy! I'm just saying that thinking these people are INHERENTLY evil because their fears of parenting "wrongly" lead them to follow people like the Pearlmans is misguided.

I never said anyone was "evil," inherently or otherwise. I didn't even call the Pearls evil.


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## HoneymoonBaby (Mar 31, 2004)

Cloud and Townsend -- "Raising Great Kids."


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## DoratheExplora (Apr 4, 2007)

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

The book How Would Jesus Raise a Child? by Dr Teresa Whitehurst is a good one. She has another book too, but I don't remember the title.

And I second the gentlechristianmothers.com site.


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

This recent thread discusses several Christian and Grace based discipline alternatives and book recommendations: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...t=spirituality

Pat


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jmmsunshine* 
Another thought... she's Christian right? How about the BIBLE? I mean, how does God deal with her?

The last time I checked, I've NEVER cried out to God for help and had Him say, "Well, you're not going to manipulate me, you'll just have to cry it out!" Instead, each and every time I've cried out to God, He is immediately there, reaching out to me, holding me, comforting me.

I've done a LOT of stupid, stupid things in my life, but at no time did God ever look at me and say, "Well, I'm going to give you a beating for that." Instead, God allows me my dignity by letting me make my mistakes and living with the consequences of them. And is always there, with open arms, waiting for me.

If we're Christian, and we're saved by grace alone, and God is our Father, isn't that who we should look to for how-to parenting advice. Isn't He the perfect parent that we are supposed to follow?


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *angelcat* 
My first introduction to them was a website where a woman was tlaking aobut how she used their techiniques, *and how much better her kids were than friends kids*.

Bolding mine. To me, that's a real sign that something's off-kilter: why is it the parent's goal to say her children are "better" than other kids? There's something off-kilter in a parent with that focus.

Of course, I'll acknowledge that many sane parents (myself included) sometimes get a little off-kilter and make these unhealthy kinds of comparisons, either openly or within our own minds. And there are even a few of us AP/GD parents who've talked about how much happier, kinder, and gentler our children are than the children of our punitive friends and relatives.

I find this kind of boasting usually means we're in for a dose of getting humbled by our next child, or even by the child we were bragging about as she gets older.

Quote:

She said during a visit at a friend's house, the friend's kids interrupted several times, and her kids did not. Even when one of them fell off a rocking horse and got a big bump on his head. She was so proud.







:
Yeah, it's a great thing to be proud when your children are too scared to speak up when they (or others) get harmed.








:


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## mmomosedc (Sep 25, 2006)

Thanks for some great links, ladies. I'm especially liking gentlechristianmothers.com at this time in my life.

So I went off a little more than I should have in conveying my thoughts of the Pearl's to my friend. Really, I thought I was communicating with gentleness considering that what I FELT like saying was far more intense than what I actually said. But unfortunately she still felt like she was being judged and condemned by me. So I apologized and we're still on speaking terms. And I've come to the realization, that unfortunately, all I can do is demonstrate gentle discipline towards my children when I am with her, suggest resources that she may completely ignore, and perhaps most importantly, be gentle in my approach towards her. Hopefully she'll come around eventually. It's frustrating though, to watch someone embrace a philosophy that has the potential to be so hugely abusive.


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## homemommy (Apr 22, 2007)

Some books that have been helpful for dh and I are:

*Families Where Grace Is In Place: Gettin Free from the Burden of Pressuring, Controlling, and Manipulating Your Spouse and Children by Jeff VanVonderen

*Biblical Parenting by Pastor Crystal Lutton

*Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes... in you and your kids! by Scott Turansky and Joanne ******

*The Key To Your Child's Heart by Gary Smalley

*Heartfelt Discipline: The Gentle Art of Training and Guiding Your Child by Clay Clarkson

**The Mission of Motherhood: Touching Your Child's Heart for Eternity by Sally Clarkson

Anything you can get your hands on by the Clarkson's is very helpful and encouraging (especially if you homeschool).

What is GP?


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## southernmommie (Jan 7, 2007)

Dr. Sears has a Christian Parenting book. I love it! I have just about his whole library. Too bad when people borrow my books I don't get them back!


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## Kateana (Feb 2, 2005)

Before DD was born, I was totally sold on the Pearls' methods. I was raised in a spanking family, thought it was necessary/right, etc... up until I started reading on this forum, and getting into huge arguments with mamas about it.







: Thankfully I was sold on GD before DD was born... anyways, what helped me the most (to choose AP and GD) was looking at how God parents us. We want DD to have a healthy view of God when she's older, and if she has negative "father" issues, she'll have a harder time connecting with her Heavenly Father.

Unfortunately, my dad and stepmom are raising my siblings with the Pearls' methods. DD even witnessed a real spanking with a spoon!







Ironically, it was to teach my brother not to hit.







: While my siblings are pretty well behaved, I know a lot of kids who are better behaved and aren't spanked.







:


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## rachelalle (Jul 16, 2005)

Wow!


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## mom2avasteph (May 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
www.gentlechristianmothers.com

Might do your friend good to know how these methods killed a child:

http://www.newsobserver.com/102/story/418676.html

I saw the "news and observer" and thought, "That's our newspaper...." Yuck. Don't people have the gift of discernment??? I mean, I may read a book on child care, but I know to put it down when it says something along the lines of The Pearls.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

:


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## mom2reenie (Nov 14, 2006)

We were giving the Pearls book when 5 year old dd was a baby. It was given to us by Christian friends who thought it was great. I laid in bed holding my sleeping infant and just cried and cried that not only was the book written, but someone gave it to me as a gift. DH came home for lunch, looked at me, looked at the book and threw it away. I still cringe when I hear people read it.

I love Dr. Sears. G


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