# Marriage or kids #1 priority?



## LDSmomma (May 11, 2009)

I was recently advised by two relatives that marriage should be the #1 priority and kids #2. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I understand the thinking that the kids need a strong marriage, and it should be important. I guess I don't understand what types of actions/activities keep marriage above the children in our priority list. And how does this fit in with attachment parenting?


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## krisnic (Dec 16, 2004)

My husband and I feel very strongly that our child is our priority. Our marriage is important, but he is more so.


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## LDSmomma (May 11, 2009)

How does a family who keeps their marriage #1 differ from mine? I just don't understand, since it seems obvious to me that the needs of my living breathing children should outweigh the needs of my marriage, particularly since the needs of my children are very time sensitive, whereas if something comes up, and DH & I can't do something we planned to, we can just do it later, or the next day.

We work hard at getting DS to bed at a reasonable hour so we can have time together without him after he's in bed (though he usually wakes up only an hour later to come to our bed).

What else is there that we're not doing? Not that we'll necessarily do it, but I just don't understand what else there is.


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## prone_to_wander (Jun 29, 2009)

Why does it have to be, one is more important than the other? Humans are complex beings with the ability to hold different priorities at different times. Love your husband, make sure you are showing it. Love your kid, make sure you're showing it. Love yourself, make sure you have time for this.
We all have the ability to love and care for multiple people at the same time.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

Our children come first. I'm sure when we no longer have small children, our lives won't be so wrapped around children every single second but for now, their needs are more important then ours.

I've known couples who were big on marriage being #1 and children #2. Most of them had a set weekly date night with a sitter always booked. One couple did that and then had a set time a day where children either were sent outside, to bed, or to the TV so the parents got their quality time in. I'm not talking about "adult" time, but they would chat about their day, give each other foot massages. Children were not to bother them. There was no, children need us tonight, we'll just catch up tomorrow night, they always got their time regardless of what was going on with kids. In every family I've known like this, sitters were always heavily used. Which I'm not bashing, I've got several sitters myself, I just never seem to use them to get away with Dh.

Eh, that is so not my life and I'm fine with it. DH gets limited time with kids as it is, I can't imagine taking one night a week and not being home with them every single week. Other couples/families, look at us and can't imagine not getting away frequently. It is just a different mind set then what I am in now.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

At this point in our life, kids are #1 priority. Dh and I work opposite shifts so we can stay at home with dd. This means we see each other 10 min/day when I get back from work and he leaves. Weekends are busy with ds's activities, and sometimes dh has to work. And co-sleeping means we don't have the bed for ourselves.

But this is a short time in our lives that we dedicate to our kids. We plan to move dd to her bedroom in a year or so. Now that she doesn't nurse that much we plan to take a trip just the two of us for our 10th anniversary. In a couple of years after dd weans we plan to send them spend their summer vacation with their grandparents.


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## tinuviel_k (Apr 29, 2004)

What is more important, marriage or children...I can't separate our lives into compartments like that. There needs to be a balance: time for my husband and I to connect together alone, time for solo alone time (especially important for me), time for the whole family to be together, and time for one-on-one attention with my child. Sometimes the needs of one person come first.

When our child is ill or sad then time as a couple or as individuals needs to be put on hold to take care of her, no question. If our little one is up with a cough all night long we are never going to ignore her, even if we had special couple plans that night. If she had a horrible day at school and needs us we will cancel a long-awaited babysitter night. When our little girl was an infant both my husband and I had to make personal sacrifices to take care of her needs. We did our best to nurture our relationship as best we could. If our daughter acutely needs us then, as a dependent child, she comes first.
We parented in a way that could be considered darned inconvenient for us as a couple. We had a family bed until our daughter was six (her choice to have her own room), we practiced extended breastfeeding, we did a lot of baby-wearing, never ever practiced CIO. Quite a lot of people would claim that we were putting the baby before our relationship, but it never felt that way to us.
BUT...
We do not make our child the 100% focus of our relationship and of our lives. When my husband and I need time to connect then our daughter has a fun time with a sitter, a friend, or can watch a movie, and I have absolutely no guilty feelings over it. Sometimes our daughter might feel a little left out (very, very seldom). Other times she is overjoyed to spend an evening at the Children's Museum for Parents Night Out, watch a special movie, spend the night at her grandparent's house, or whatever. Regardless, my husband and I need that time together, and when the opportunity to take it comes we dive in without guilt.

If I feel like I am going out of my mind with exhaustion or stress then maybe I need to take time for myself. After all, if I don't practice good self-care and take care of my own needs then what kind of example am I setting for my children? There are times when I need to put my own needs ahead of my husband's or child's. It is temporary, and if the timing isn't right for me to do so then I put my needs aside and help my family. But there are times when I need to say "enough" and do what is right for my own health. That might mean saying "no" to intimacy time with my husband, or separating myself completely from my child for an afternoon. I try not to "put myself first" too often, but sometimes it needs to happen. I don't feel bad when I need that time, nor do I expect my husband to feel bad if he needs to take some time for himself.

Overall I think our family has a wonderful balance where all of us get what we need to have happy, fulfilled lives. Yes, I'd like to dance three days a week, my husband would love to mountain bike a lot more, and Denali would adore going out to eat as a family four times a week. It doesn't happen, of course. We don't all of us get everything we might want or need, but we do a darn good job taking care of each other and loving one another.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

for me a blanket statement that children are no. 1 priority is also not a healthy situation.

it all depends on situations. esp. in my case since marriage was on the rocks when dd was born.

its a moment by moment thing. sometimes it was important then dh be no. 1, sometimes dd. depends on the need of the hour and yes i have put then dh before dd when i assessed his needs were greater than dd's at that moment.

as others said - balance is key.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Relationships take tending. That's true whether it's your relationship with your children or your relationship with your spouse. When your kids are little, they need a lot of time. So you need to be very mindful about your relationship with your spouse/partner.

I also think it's important to model for your children what a healthy relationship looks like -- how do you foster your relationship with your partner? How do you teach your child that while they are important, but not the center of the universe?

I know that for me, if my relationship with my husband were to fall apart, I would not be as good a parent. Dh and I have a partnership -- it's never 'equal' -- at different times each of us need to take on more/less depending on a lot of factors. But we work together. It's important that we have a good relationship so that we can do that for our children.


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## milkybean (Mar 19, 2008)

I have a hard time separating it out, but then, DH and I got married *in order to have children*. And we got a wedding-night baby. We had a week after the wedding but before our cruise, and by the time we got on that ship DH could tell that I was not "alone"...and about 3 days into the cruise, so could I.

At my baby shower, a friend got "the baby" a little romper with cruise ships on it, and addressed the package to "the stowaway".  He's been with us from the very beginning, almost as soon as we got married, there is NO separating our marriage from our being parents.

We had our first date last week, the day DH got home from an overseas work trip, which was also DS's birthday and was also his first BIG rehearsal for his dance recital...I wasn't volunteering, and it was a closed rehearsal, so DH and I went off to have a Guinness. It was lovely! And then when we went to pick up DS again, that was lovely too.

The people that I know, in person, in real life, who talk about the marriage first stuff, just seem to want excuses to go pretend like they don't have kids on a regular basis. Those are the people I know, and I can't generalize it out to other people, but those are the ones that say it in MY life...


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *milkybean*
> 
> The people that I know, in person, in real life, who talk about the marriage first stuff, just seem to want excuses to go pretend like they don't have kids on a regular basis. Those are the people I know, and I can't generalize it out to other people, but those are the ones that say it in MY life...


The people I know who talk about marriage first want a firm family foundation for their kids and themselves, not to pretend they don't have kids on a regular basis. Finding time to interact with your partner as an person tends to strengthen a marriage, and a strong marriage is better for the kids than two burned out bitter parents.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I find it really hard to put those two things in order. Both seem equally important. And it's really hard to separate them because I feel so strongly that the best situation for J to be in involves her father and I being happy together.

.

I think though, that if some aspect of our parenting was putting a big strain on the relationship then we would need to evaluate that very carefully. For example, if it came down to a choice, I would put our marriage before co-sleeping. Now I love co-sleeping and I think J benefits enormously from it. But, if I had to choose between us staying together and co-sleeping then I think her parents staying married would benefit her more. But then, I guess that is still putting her first because she will benefit from happy, together parents.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

I don't really agree with making a hierarchy of importance with family relationships like that.

Neither marriage or children are "#1". They are two different relationships, with two different sets of needs to be met. Our marriage is very, very important to us. We behave in ways that built that up, rather than tearing it down. We care for and love each other. We work out differences.

Our children are very, very important to us. We care for them and love them. We usually meet their needs first, as their needs are more immediate and they can't always meet their own needs.

Sometimes, I will have to ask dh to "Hold that thought, B needs potty help." Other times, I will tell the children "You need to go find something to do and stop interrupting, Baba and I are having a conversation."

We co-slept and I breastfed, but I never allowed that to come dh and me physically. I didn't feel the need to force the kids to wean or sttn just so dh could "have his wife back". He has his wife all the time--I didn't stop being his wife when the kids came.

Generally when I hear "put the marriage first" it's in the context of having lots of date nights and going away regularly without the children, stuff like that. It just isn't us. We don't do that stuff, but that doesn't mean we don't prioritize our marriage.


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## aparent (May 9, 2006)

Perhaps it's like what happens when you're travelling

by plane. When the oxygen bags drop, say the attendants,

put your's in place first over your mouth before placing one

over your child's face. I used to plan to ignore that advice

and tend to the children first but now see it as putting the

thing on me is taking care of the children first. They cannot

manage to place the oxygen masks without me being in good

shape.

There's another thread about research that found that

divorce during a child's young life predicts the children will

die 5 years earlier that children in intact families. Perhaps

attending to the marriage is, like other posters mentioned,

intimately interwoven with taking care of the children.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Depends on the stages of the kids. My kids are 9, 8, and 8. As you might be able to discern, that meant the early years of parenting were INTENSE. A few years ago, once they were all "school age" I started weaning myself off of being more kid focused, and became more marriage (well, and ME) focused. It was not an easy transition. Your partner, most of the time, is not going to absolutely adore you like a kid, figuring out what makes them happy/pleases them is more complicated and can be more hard than a kid too. So I'm glad I started early. Now I'd say home life is pretty balanced--but it took time to get there. At least for me.

From this point on, I am parenting to launch confident, competetant young adults from my home into the world. While I am marriaging in order to stay connected and interdependent with my life partner. It doesn't really work much as a hierarchy; but it is nice to have the space to devote to each other finally, and not have to solely focus on young children. Most of the people I've heard state the priorities in the OP are old(er) people--makes sense as that was the last stage they entered into/the stage they're in. And sadly there ARE many families that break up because partners lose touch with each other and/or don't make the effort to stay connected. It can be so easy to use that an excuse in the early years (when it's valid) but if you get stuck in that rut then I don't think that's a good thing for anyone.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

The kids, while they are growing up, are our first priority.

... and for us, that translates into a lot of work on having a solid relationship, because keeping our marriage strong and our household intact and happy is a commitment that we made TO THE KIDS. I don't think we would break up if we were childless, and I don't think we WILL break up after the kids are grown, but right now, dissolving the marriage isn't even on the table as an option. We married a coupIe of years before having kids and made all the standard vows, but once I was pregnant with my first, we both felt that things had been kicked up a notch in the Unbreakable Oath department. It's not that our commitment wasn't real before - but making a commitment to a little tiny helpless person to give them a happy childhood in a home with a happy Mom and Dad is, IMHO, taking marriage to the next level.


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## les_oiseau (Apr 9, 2010)

I see the point they made although when I first heard that opinion I was shocked. And honestly when I heard it my marriage was going through a hard time too, so even more so did I think it was off base. But put a lot of thought and practice into it, and I still don't know what the technical details of what it entails are... but my understanding is that it's more like I am a wife #1 and a parent #2. It's not so much about prioritizing the people in my life, but prioritizing my role.

Like when my dh and I were having trouble my natural instinct was to throw all my energies into the kids, since my dh was going down this path of wondering how much he needed to do for himself vs how much he needed to be there for the family, really questioning his role and how much he should put into it. And the short answer is that he wasn't putting enough into the family, and it was hurting us all (not physically or anything) but we were really feeling the need for him to be there. So when I took my *extra* energies away from the kids and put it into my marriage it turned the situation around. Took a few months but it did.

Likewise when dad is meeting mom's needs, she is happier, more confident about herself, and it's easier to do the same things at home over and over and over. It makes a better environment for the kids. When mom meets dad's needs he is more patient, more affectionate toward mom and kids, stress of work gets to him less. Makes a better environment for the kids.

My dh also grew up with divorced parents, and so his dad was aaallll about everything my dh wanted, gave him all his attention, etc. And in the earlier years of our dating (I can say this because we've both grown and matured) my dh's attitude changed when we were around his dad. He acted like a spoiled brat who didn't have to take responsibility for anything. Not to say that is what happens when parents make kids #1, but it is definitely an example of one of the more extreme cases.

How this affects how someone AP's.... I think that's up to the way the parents choose to go about it. I think it the will is there, there will also be a way found to pull it off. But for us, when my ds was a year and I was pregnant, we had to move him to his own bed. Not in a mean way, and he still sneaks into our bed sometimes.... but overall having him in our bed all the time did not work for us. Other than that though, I can't think of anything elseAP that would be made difficult.

hth

Also just want to say that ultimately it's what makes the parent's comfortable with their choices and what they are able to do/what they feel they should do that makes the family run the best. You are doing the best thing right now for your family. If you get the conviction to change anything, then that will be the best thing, but don't let anyone make you feel inadequate in filling your role, or like you're doing anything wrong.


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## les_oiseau (Apr 9, 2010)

and also agree that with the perspective of wife #1 and mom #2, it's still a matter of what is the need of the moment/ day/ week/ etc. When my kids were babies there were a lot of things we gave up as marriage partners to meet the needs of our kids


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## Hannah32 (Dec 23, 2009)

I agree with this post.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LynnS6*
> 
> Relationships take tending. That's true whether it's your relationship with your children or your relationship with your spouse. When your kids are little, they need a lot of time. So you need to be very mindful about your relationship with your spouse/partner.
> 
> ...


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I don't think it has to be either/or. I think it can be both.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I reject the idea that either has to be a priority over the other. Also, my mom used to say this stuff to me when I was a kid. "You have to understand, your dad is my first priority. If I had to choose between him and you, I'd have to choose him. He'll be here after you leave. I have to tend my marriage and that has to be my priority." Frankly, it made me feel like complete crap.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Ouch.
I love my DH so much, but I have to tell you, my kid is my #1 priority right now because she CANT care for herself. Maybe things will be different when they are older. I dont feel like the kids (well, one is in utero) take emotional priority over DH, but they do in other ways. For example, if DD is upset and grumpy and wants me to hold her and cuddle her and nurse, I will call DH and tell him he should pick something up for dinner because I wont be able to make it tonight. If I had to "choose" between my kids and my husband, of course I would choose my kids- DH is capable of surviving with out me (sort of, he at a lot of ramen noodles when we were broken up once). I am responsible for my children because I created them. I didnt create DH, I just made a promise to him. While I have no intentions of breaking that promise, I would never say I would choose him over our kids. That statement makes me uneasy because I know that is how a lot of women think while they stand by and allow their husbands to beat or molest their children. (Im not saying that is your situation, its just what it makes me think of) We are here to nurture, love, and protect our children. A husband should be a part of that, but if he cant be, the kids come first everytime.

Family is the #1 priority in my life.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Yeah I guess if it came to it, my kids would be my first priority, and my husband wouldn't have it any other way. I mean let's say CPS came and said, "Either your husband moves out or we take your kids." Which they'd have to reason to, but still I'm positive he'd go without question and I'd stay with the kids, because they need me in a way he doesn't.


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## Wolfcat (Jan 10, 2006)

Kids are #1, without doubt or hesitation.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Ideally, marriage and kids should be pretty evenly balanced. I know that, in my situation, the kids ended up coming first for me, since my (then) husband was out of town a lot (like, 50% of the time) and very fixated on his career. He actually seemed okay with that, but I had trouble always coming in third. It was a significant factor in our divorce.

Your spouse should be able to handle more flexibility, but that relationship needs to be nurtured as much as the one(s) with your children. Make real time for your spouse - it's important.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

My marriage will always come first in some way. I need to nurture that relationship at all costs, however there are points where the kids will come first. Like now DD is more of a priority because she is not able to take care of herself. As they get older priorities will shift. I am me first, wife second, mom third. However at this moment I am mom first and everything else just kinda falls where it needs to be. For me its all about balance between them all. And at different points they each have a higher priority then the others at that moment. I can't be a good mom or wife if I can't take care of myself. Just as I can't be a good mom if I have having a emotional breakdown in my marriage for whatever reason. So they all have to balance each other. I will always be there for my kids but they do grow up and leave. If I don't tend to my marriage I may end up with nothing when that happens.

Its important for me that DD goes to bed every night around the same time so I can get time with DH. Just as its important for me to get up when he does before DD wakes up so I can get some me time. Thats where I enjoy my coffee and get the most of my internet time in. And even though I was exhausted and could easily sleep when DH gets up for work, for me that was one area that if I could continue in doing was getting up making his coffee and talking to him. I can always go back to sleep if need be. But it was one way to keep my marriage a priority.

Date night actually out of the house yeah not happening yet. Not because we don't want to but because we seriously don't have the time. So one way we do things is after DD goes down we plan something special whether it be a late night meal, with a movie or game or sitting outside by a fire and talking. Supper time. Well I will feed DD first then wait to eat with DH once he gets home. I will always make supper unless he tells me otherwise like he won't be home till 10 at night. The rule is if he isn't home by 730 then I go ahead and eat without him because well at this point in my pregnancy I just can't hold out much longer..lol


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I've been told this, too, and it made perfect sense to me until I read the responses on this thread. I think there is some value in treating your marriage as #1, but of course not to the detriment of your kids' well-being. It is true that the marriage will be there long after the kids are grown and out of the house, so it needs to be nurtured in order to stay strong, and so that you and DH have SOMETHING there after the kids are gone. But I don't think that necessarily means you have to have a sitter lined up every weekend and set times of day that are kid-free zones, etc. DH and I spend time together after DS is asleep. We don't banish him from the house til we're done with our together time, but we do make time for each other. AFTER DS is asleep.

DS's needs are nearly always my first priority. That means some days I don't get to shower. I certainly don't usually get to shower ALONE and have "me" time. Sometimes I think that can get to be extreme and not so good for me. Mamas come on here all the time, overwhelmed and are told to find time for themselves. I'm working on that, too, especially now that DS is older, and I can say, "Later" or have him come with me to the gym and wait in the babysitting room while I exercise. But I would never say to DS, "No, I'm not going to play with you right now b/c Daddy wants to talk about his day." Let Daddy wait til DS is asleep. THEN he can bitch at me about his boss and coworkers. Likewise, I would never say to DH, "Oh, sorry. You'll have to finish your story later, b/c DS just decided this moment that he wants to play." DH will finish up the big picture and then we play. This way, the marriage IS coming first, b/c DH knows that I am making time for him. But DS's needs for attention also are getting met.

The thing is, DH's parents got divorced when DH was in college. If my marriage isn't a priority now, that is where we'll end up. How is that good for DS? I'm not demonizing divorce in all cases, and especially if there's abuse or something, of course it has to happen. But parents who simply drift apart and choose not to get along anymore .... That doesn't seem like it's good for the kids. At least it wasn't for DH and his siblings. So in that respect, making your marriage the priority IS making your kids the priority, b/c you're showing them not only how to be a good spouse, but you're providing them with a united family that will be there to support them when they need it, even when they're adults. It's definitely less stressful for the kids even in adulthood to have parents who are happily together.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> I reject the idea that either has to be a priority over the other. Also, my mom used to say this stuff to me when I was a kid. "You have to understand, your dad is my first priority. If I had to choose between him and you, I'd have to choose him. He'll be here after you leave. I have to tend my marriage and that has to be my priority." Frankly, it made me feel like complete crap.


Wow, that's awful. I don't agree with that sentiment at all. Yes, I think that partnerships need to be tended to, but I'm not raising my husband. We're raising our kids, together, and we only get one chance at that. Our kids didn't ask to be here. They are OUR priority, together.

I'm fortunate that my husband shares my feelings, though we've never discussed it to my recollection. There has never been a need to, as our parenting and marriage has evolved as our family has grown and aged. We were married for 7 years before we had kids, so we had plenty of time to enjoy our pre-child, dual income lives. Now we have 2 kids, one income, and our priorities have changed and we wouldn't have it any other way.

Our marriage is important. But if our marriage was struggling, we would deal with it without putting the kids second.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I seem to be joining the chorus on this one, but I think it's fairly nonsensical idea, in most ways.

When I have a 3 week old nursling, the baby is most important, pretty much 24/7. I have an 18 year old...is he really important? Definitely. Is he more important than my marriage? I don't even know how I could quantify that. My job with him (and my other kids) is basically to teach them to survive and thrive without me. That's not what I'm doing with dh. Barring any unforeseen mishaps, dh will be my closest companion for the rest of my life. That's really, really important! But, our kids need me and dh in ways that we don't need each other.

I just can't see ranking this kind of thing. If dd2 wakes up in the middle of the night (as she does every night), then any snuggling, conversation, sex, whatever that dh and I were going (or had started) to enjoy gets dumped for a while...but we also haven't arranged our lives so that those things never have a chance to start at all, yk? Setting priorities involves a lot of sorting out the urgent from the less urgent, and it's a very fluid process, imo. Right at this particular moment, I'm chilling for a few minutes before I take dd1 to ballet. DH will be home dealing with ds2 and dd2. We won't even be in the same place for much of the afternoon, so the needs of the kids are in ascendance...but we carved out some "us" time while the younger kids were downstairs with ds1 this morning.

I think priority number one is balancing everyone's needs.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Apples and oranges. Or apples and calcium chloride. All are important, for different reasons, and all are interconnected. It's not possible to have a totally fabulous relationship with your kids and put your spouse in 3rd place all the time without said spouse feeling sad, rejected or hurt, which would then affect his/her relationship with you and with the kids, so it wouldn't be so fabulous.

It all works, quite smoothly normally, because we have an unlimited supply of love, so we can balance and juggle multiple tasks in life. And if it is occasionally tight, then we can do a juggling act. And sometimes one person, be that parent or child, will loose out. And it makes no difference. That is life. It is only constant, long-term loosing out that causes problems, imo. And the needs and priorities change. A newborn needs a clean diaper - NOW, and now, and now.... so he/she will get an inordinate share at this point in time. A toddler has different needs. A young child, a teen, an adult... all different needs, and at different times. Maybe the newborn needs a clean diaper, but your spouse has just lost his/her job and needs a hug first. Life is not a rock, it's a rubber band.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> I reject the idea that either has to be a priority over the other. Also, my mom used to say this stuff to me when I was a kid. "You have to understand, your dad is my first priority. If I had to choose between him and you, I'd have to choose him. He'll be here after you leave. I have to tend my marriage and that has to be my priority." Frankly, it made me feel like complete crap.


OT but had to reply to this. This is totally warped of your mom to say. No wonder you felt like crap, any child would hearing those words. If she felt that way, fine, but she should have had the sense to keep her comments to herself.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mamazee*
> 
> I reject the idea that either has to be a priority over the other.


Me too! To me, love is the priority, and love should be our guide in determining which need is most immediate.

I probably carry too much garbage from my own memories regarding who I've heard the "husbands trump children" line from. As another poster said, I know I can't generalize about everyone who adheres to this philosophy -- but I tend to see at as a "men first" philosophy, although for some, it may be more partner or marriage-focused than male-focused. However, in my own experience, the people touting the line about putting marriage first have seemed to be doing so to justify not listening to children -- AND to imply that the needs of adult males are primary.

To me, it's just ridiculous to imply that a mature adult male would divorce his wife and abandon his children over things like full term breastfeeding or co-sleeping. I have to wonder where people's heads are when they create scenarios like, "If you had to choose between your relationship with your husband and your breastfeeding relationship with your child, which would you choose?"

I can't imagine ever asking my husband, "Do you love me enough to cut your penis off if I say that's the only way I'll stay with you?" -- and, to me, saying I'd have to kick my little one out of bed or dry up to keep dh by my side seems just as ridiculous. Thankfully he agrees with me!


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


> as others said - balance is key.


This.

I've seen Parents go into deep debt to buy things for their kids. I've seen Moms who put all their emotions into their kids at the expense of the marriage. Then, the kids suffer when the parents divorce.

I think kids benefit most from happy healthy loving parents. If they don't get to go to the expensive summer camp, but the whole family spends a few weekends together camping, the kids are better off in the long run.

That doesn't mean that If Daddy if out of Beer, that it takes priority over the kids who don't have lunch money.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Here's a little chart:


urgent and importanturgent but not importantimportant, but not urgentnot important, and not urgent

I think that children, esp. babies and toddler, often fall into the "urgent and important" category. Marriages tend to fall into the "important but not urgent" category. The question isn't which is a higher priority, but how do we tend to both. Tending to our marriages while caring for the urgent needs of a young child is quite tricky. I never figured it out, and my marriage paid the price.

Quote:
Originally Posted by *swd12422* 


> So in that respect, making your marriage the priority IS making your kids the priority, b/c you're showing them not only how to be a good spouse, but you're providing them with a united family that will be there to support them when they need it, even when they're adults. It's definitely less stressful for the kids even in adulthood to have parents who are happily together.


agreed. My DH and I learned this the hard way. We neglected our relationship for years while the kids were young, ended up with huge marriage problems, and felt not only tremendous pain ourselves but watched our children hurt as well.

I wonder if someone IRL telling you that you need to make your marriage a higher priority means that they are seeing tiny little problems in your marriage that you can't see yet. Problems that would be easy to solve right now with a little time and care to your primary relationship, but that if allowed to grow for years could end up quite difficult to deal with.

My DH and I now take time very day to connect with each other, even if its just a few minutes to really listen to the other one. We take a longer stretch of time most weeks, usually a meal out with just the two of us.

Our kids are our priority. We make decisions around what is best for them, play vacations around what will be most fun for them, and our lives and schedules revolve around them.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"... in that respect, making your marriage the priority IS making your kids the priority, b/c you're showing them not only how to be a good spouse, but you're providing them with a united family that will be there to support them when they need it, even when they're adults. It's definitely less stressful for the kids even in adulthood to have parents who are happily together."


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## purplerose (Dec 27, 2010)

I have known several families who had this outlook on their marriage/children. And what I've seen from those families are unhappy children and parents who feel life is all about them and going out and leaving the kids with sitters/grandparents as much as possible. A father whose son had two surgeries in one summer and a wife in college pouted and threatened to split up because his wife wasn't putting him first. Hello- you're the adult, your CHILD needed to be first while going through surgeries and needing his PARENTS. My own parents used to leave us several times a year and go on vacations, I was so miserable and felt so unloved. I have not seen one family with this marriage 1st rule where they were actually what I'd consider functional and with happy children. I had a child already when my husband and I got together so we both knew kids come first. Most families we interact with do have their kids come first. We're adults and should be able to deal with that. My husband and I both have to deal 100% with the kids and do without each other during family issues(taking care of a sick family member, or helping take care of someone after surgery, ...) As the kids get older you can focus more on each other but this leaving the baby at 2 weeks post-partum for the weekend so you can go out with your spouse is disgusting IMO. And that's been my experience with marriage 1st families.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

My dad said the most important gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother (the thought was, I suppose, that a loving marriage will be a foundation for the children). I think it was a good sentiment. He sure didn't live up to that in any way, but I thought it was a good tenet.

I will say that once my parents divorced, I was much better off than how things were with them together. Children do typically have a pretty good idea of what parents are often trying to hide.

Great families can exist in or out of a marriage and in or out of a partnership/relationship. It's about the love, I think, not about the numbers of adults who reside in the home.


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## goinggreengirl (Nov 7, 2009)

It's all about balance. DH and I are doing great in our marriage and our baby is thriving.

I do want to say that I think it's interesting that most people put this "choice" to women. Should the woman choose children over their husband? Does that automatically mean that men put marriage before children? Or is it saying that men don't have to worry about either as long as they provide the money to keep the household running? It's interesting that people think that men shouldn't have to choose or don't care.

DH and I both understand it's about balance, and it changes depending on the age of the children and what they need. When DS was a newborn, DH and I had to go without a lot of time alone because DS needed us with him. Now that DS is able and happy to play on his own, DH and I can talk, cuddle and connect while he plays. But, if DS poops and needs a change, we don't make him sit in a poopy diaper because we're working on our marriage! When DS is older and at a friend's house for a sleepover, I can say that DH and I will be enjoying our time alone immensely. But, if DS freaks out and needs to come home, we aren't going to tell him to suck it up because Daddy and Mommy are having a good time. No, DH and I will both meet our child's need first.


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## hippiemom85 (Jan 2, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *prone_to_wander*
> 
> Why does it have to be, one is more important than the other? Humans are complex beings with the ability to hold different priorities at different times. Love your husband, make sure you are showing it. Love your kid, make sure you're showing it. Love yourself, make sure you have time for this.
> We all have the ability to love and care for multiple people at the same time.


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

Marriage is my priority. I can't be an effective happy mother if I am not happy in my partnership. I do not want to be a single mom either. I was raised by one. she did the best she could but I do not want this for my kids.

But obviously, it all depend on the context. If kids are sick etc date are cancels. We both adjusted our careers and moved to a location with good schools. On the other hand, we never any qualms about taking a few trips a year on our own. We also made it clear to kids that they have bedtimes earlier than us so we can have time alone. I cringe when I hear "We do not go out because my child does not like it".

As the classic "Who would you save form the fire", well, my youngest son, of course. He weighs the least.


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## MommaBirdie (May 23, 2011)

We don't have a list for priorities really.
Instead we center our entire lives around God.
That means that we can't back out of our responsibilities in any area.
It is important for our children that we have a healthy marriage, but it is also important to our marriage that our children are properly cared for.
Sometimes one or another may seem to take a "backseat", like getting a sitter to celebrate your anniversary.

We're not perfect at this intertwining, where all relationships depend on the others, but we try very hard.
We just feel that if you list it instead that you could really harm other things on that list.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *goinggreengirl*
> 
> I do want to say that I think it's interesting that most people put this "choice" to women.


I think most people put it to women because our society is, sadly, still very patriarchal and I think there is still this attitude that we need to be bending over backwards to persuade our men to stick around.

I certainly don't think it's okay to neglect any of my loved ones, and that, of course, includes my dh. Again, I just don't believe the line that one person has to "trump" another. It's not either-or. It's both-and.

I mean, it's okay if some third party chooses to cringe because dh and I don't leave our girls with a a sitter to go on dates or trips by ourselves. To me, the important thing is that dh and I are not cringing. It would be no fun for me to leave a crying child to go out to dinner.

One time dh actually got a gift certificate from his previous employer for two dinners at Olive Garden. Our youngest was a baby, and, while we certainly could've taken both girls and gotten a spare plate to share our meal with dd1, I was kinda tired and it was cold out and it was so much nicer to just have dh pick it up as carry out and bring it home. I s'pose some folks would say we were crazy to pass up a chance for a free date night, and maybe they'd even cringe about it, but I don't see any need to jump through a bunch of hoops just so other women will think I'm doing a good job tending to my husband's needs.

It's more important to me to listen to him and tend to his actual needs, just as I listen to my daughters and tend to their actual needs.


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## Alenushka (Jul 27, 2002)

we poly family...so dates are part of life. My lover does not live with us.

I have lovely time alone with each kid separately as well. In fact, this how we once explained dates to them "You like having lunch one on one with mom or dad, well, adults like that kind of attentions too"

While I cringe, and I have right to cringe, I ultimately do not care what other people do. It is their family and their life.

DH and I like rediscovering each other one on one and feeling that something besides kids ties us together and that when kids move out we will have things to do and talk about.

My kids are important to me and husband is important to me. My lover is important to me.

Kids were more important to my mom and dad than marriage and all it got them was a divorce and waht it got us, the kids , was not a such rosy childhood


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## holz (Sep 25, 2009)

I'd say neither. Our family is #1. Maybe that's a cop-out, but we're a unit. I think it's all about preserving a balance- if our marriage needs a little TLC, we take care of that. If the baby does, we tend to him. I really can't think of a time I'd have to choose between one or the other.


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## green betty (Jun 13, 2004)

I think it's a false choice. Everyone's needs matter and deserve to be taken into account. It simply isn't necessary to deprioritize one of your family members and, frankly, I think it's patriarchal/oppressive and unloving to do so. My husband is beloved beyond measure and beyond compare, and so is our child, and so am I. I would not denigrate any of us by behaving otherwise.

That said, it's obvious that children's needs are often immediate and require faster responses and more attention than those of adults, who are more capable of both delayed gratification and creatively meeting their own needs.Balancing everyone's needs, including their urgency and how much attention they require to be met, can be complex. Once in a while, the ball gets dropped. It takes skill and experience to triage simultaneous needs. The difficulties of doing this, however, do not create an excuse for oversimplifying an inherently complex matter by saying your husband (or kids) come first. Rather, they create a challenge that you grow to meet.


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## VocalMinority (Apr 8, 2009)

If you and your spouse are united in putting the kids first, doing that and putting the marriage first are the same thing.

Certainly, it's good for the whole family - kids included - if parents get the occasional night out alone, that type of thing. But when it comes to making sacrifices, if both parents agree that the kids' needs should be the top priority (while they're still minors), then, for example, sacrificing, a special couple's vacation or date nights at expensive restaurants, to pay for the kids' tuition or college savings; or giving up alone-time in your room to let a toddler sleep with you; doesn't mean you're putting your marriage second. Knowing you're doing the best possible job of raising your kids IS a marital priority, something that makes you feel pleased and on the right track, *together*.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

I don't think there is a reason to have to choose. It feels a lot like "who do you love more? Your husband or kids?" and obviously to me, at least, the answer is that I love them equally. If I am totally honest with myself, my number one priority is to my son, because he is three years old and dependent upon me. I am more responsible for his well being than for my husband's who is a grown man. But because part of what I want for my son is for him to be raised by parents who are in a happy and loving marriage, there are times when it seems that our marriage takes priority. Relationships are fluid and different needs might take center stage for a while, but that doesn't mean one person is more important to me than another. I think it is crazy making to try to determine who/what should be our number one priority and plan accordingly, and I think it is presumptuous for someone else to suggest that to any mother or father. It is your family and you should do what you feel is right. You don't have to choose and both can be your priority at different times. There can be a balance where everyone has their needs met on a timeline that also takes into account that children have more immediate developmental and emotional needs than parents.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

It is all about balance and at certain times people have to sacrifice certain things. Some of those things may be more important to one person over the next so while a person from the outside sees it disgusting or that a person is putting their own needs over their children first really can't comment because they don't know what all is going on to say if they are being selfish or not.

For me and my relationship it is my job to bend over backwards to make sure my husband sticks around. Just as it is his to do it too. If he is a good husband meeting all my needs in that area I will have no desire to look elsewhere, just as if I am good wife meeting all his needs he will have no desire to go somewhere else. I am responsible for my own happiness but when it comes to our relationship its not a 50/50 thing we both have to be giving 100/100 for it to last. But we do take on more of the traditional roles in our marriage but I am okay with that since it works for us. When we tried doing it other ways our marriage greatly fell apart.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mammal_mama*
> 
> I think most people put it to women because our society is, sadly, still very patriarchal and I think there is still this attitude that we need to be bending over backwards to persuade our men to stick around.


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## amyandelle (Jul 5, 2004)

In our home we strive for this order...

#1 God

#2 Marriage

#3 Children

This is biblical and the way we try live our lives. Now this does not mean that we use this as a pecking order. It goes something like this....

Marriage and parenting are HARD WORK! We put God first. For us this means daily prayer, bible reading, and regular fellowhip with the church (for us 1-2 times a week). We strive to put our marrige second because if we are not in a healthy relationship with each other we cannot provide a healthy life for our children. We love our children more than can be expressed  They know it and they also know that Mommy and Daddy love God and love each other.

It's not about loving our spouse more or less than the kids, if anything it is about loving our children so much that we work on the difficult things that some people would just let go by the wayside and stuff down for the "sake" of the children. Believe me we have been there and done that. Praise the Lord we are no longer living that life!

Amy


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *amyandelle*
> 
> In our home we strive for this order...
> 
> ...


Amy, I am genuinely interested in this and not trying to be snarky at all. I hear people say this and I myself am Christian but have never actually heard the "back up" for where this is stated that how things should be (marriage ahead of children). Do you mind sharing?


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

I know there are those who disagree with me, but I think there is a difference between "needs" and "wants."

I do my best to meet everyone's needs. I do not necessarily meet everyone's wants. Instant gratification is not a necessity, and sometimes people have to wait and/or do without.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LDSmomma*
> 
> I was recently advised by two relatives that marriage should be the #1 priority and kids #2. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I understand the thinking that the kids need a strong marriage, and it should be important. I guess I don't understand what types of actions/activities keep marriage above the children in our priority list. And how does this fit in with attachment parenting?


I think this is a rather vague statement.

I do feel that some parents become so child centered that it becomes unhealthy to their adult relationship long term. I think of it as the same as one partner working long hours every day and coming home, eating and then falling asleep. I don't think you can do that for years and years and keep a healthy connected relationship. The other partner might start resenting always being #2 or being the sole parent on call all the time or just drift away because the partner never wants to do anything with them. The working partner might feel frustrated because they are working these long hours to support the family and feel unappreciated, stressed or left out.

I think instead of saying children or marriage should take priority it is better to say that there just needs to be a balance. I think both partners need to do this with whatever they have going on in their lives. To achieve that I think there needs to be an effort to connect as a couple- whether it is a daily phone call or a weekly date night. I think tasks need to be shared among family members and compromises need to be made so no one is always #1 or #2 or #15.


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## Agatha_Ann (Apr 5, 2009)

I'm with those who say they believe it is a balance between the two. DH and I would not be the parents we are without each other, and our marriage wouldn't be what it is without the children. For us it isn't a matter of putting one or the other into an order of whats more important, but putting them together and making our family what comes above anything else.

Being a mother and a father are so engrained in who we are, I can't really imagine how we would tend to each others needs (marriage first thinking) without the acknowledgement of that part of us. I just have a hard time separating the two aspects of our lives. Even before children, we considered ourselves a family. The individual relationships within our family grow and change and each have their own needs, but the family as a whole is what our priority is, not one part or another.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I definitely believe in giving without expecting it to be 50/50. I just don't feel that either of us needs to persuade the other to stay or to be faithful. Maybe it's just a matter of semantics.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *new2this*
> 
> For me and my relationship it is my job to bend over backwards to make sure my husband sticks around.


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## garzaster (Aug 4, 2009)

This is something that should be discussed with your partner since everyone differs in their expectations. The easiest way to avoid conflict and misunderstanding is to find out what each other is thinking by talking openly about it. I suspect there will be compromises on both sides but being able to compromise is what makes for a lasting relationship. Attachment parenting is something that requires agreement by both parents otherwise someone is going to get burned.


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## MrsBone (Apr 20, 2004)

Going to chime in and repeat what most other people have said..at this point in our lives, our children are more important, simply because their needs are immediate, and time sensitive, and we as adults can handle more stress, change, etc than our children. I'd love to have a weekly date night with DH, but not at the sacrifice of his precious time with our kids. He barely sees them as is. We tend to spend the weekends together as a family, and DH and I go out maybe once every few months or so, just the two of us. Alone time is rare, but does happen for both of us. He goes out after work every couple weeks and I go out just myself about once a month. We do have a newborn though and I'm sure I'm going to have a lot less me(and us time, aside from letting DS spend the night at grammy's so we only have one kid to manage at night) time for at least the next year, and I'm okay with that!  I know as they get older, we'll have more time together and can make more of an equal priority for both marriage and children, but right now it's all about the kiddos.


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## MrsBone (Apr 20, 2004)

Going to chime in and repeat what most other people have said..at this point in our lives, our children are more important, simply because their needs are immediate, and time sensitive, and we as adults can handle more stress, change, etc than our children. I'd love to have a weekly date night with DH, but not at the sacrifice of his precious time with our kids. He barely sees them as is. We tend to spend the weekends together as a family, and DH and I go out maybe once every few months or so, just the two of us. Alone time is rare, but does happen for both of us. He goes out after work every couple weeks and I go out just myself about once a month. We do have a newborn though and I'm sure I'm going to have a lot less me(and us time, aside from letting DS spend the night at grammy's so we only have one kid to manage at night) time for at least the next year, and I'm okay with that!  I know as they get older, we'll have more time together and can make more of an equal priority for both marriage and children, but right now it's all about the kiddos.


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## claritygolden (Apr 23, 2009)

I am not sure how anyone could make kids "always" (not just "mostly" but "always") the number 1 priority and still have a healthy marriage (or a healthy inner life even). So if your partner was truly and urgently upset about something but your child wanted to play a game with you, you'd tell your partner you didn't want to talk now? I can't imagine there are many people who would really do that--I think most people would try to devote at least a few minutes to their partner and then play. I do think there's a distinction between the kind of care each group needs. My son needs immediate physical care--my partner doesn't need that, and obviously that tends to come first. But my love, support, and company is necessary for both of them. Saying that I can't or shouldn't provide that for both is silly, and I wouldn't be a very good partner OR mother if I didn't provide it. I only have 1 child, but I imagine those of you who have more kids would say you balance all their needs. Sometimes one child has to wait while you tend to another, and sometimes it's flipped. Why shouldn't we do the same with our partners?

Now, that being said I think it's obvious that most of our partners needs can be put off or even ignored completely in the face of more urgent needs from children, but the trick is that if you ignore for too long cracks can appear. Of course date night gets cancelled if a child is sick, but date night DOES get scheduled and attempted because that's important to me and to my partner. Everyone needs a different level of "care". For my partner and I, we have found we really need at least one date night a month, and we need occasional dinner conversations to check in (even if they are broken up by helping our son). If we don't get that, we start to argue more and we have more trouble being "there" for our son. For others, a 5 minute check in over coffee in the morning might be enough. But I think if you don't meet your own personal basic need for connection/care, it's not really fair to anyone in the family.


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

We have been married 14 years and dated several years before marriage. We became parents after 5 years so we had a good time to build foundation in our marriage, travel, date, have two nice incomes etc.

We always knew we wanted me home for several years so it was a given I would not have a large wardrobe, travel as extensive as we did, and drive brand new shiny cars.

We practiced AP with both of our children which also meant DH has many pictures of holding on to babies, cosleeping w babies, and changing diapers, feedinng the babies...

With our first, she would wake up at 5am, nurse, and go back to sleep which as she got older, several hours. She still enjoys sleeping in to this day. So several years ago, we were awake at 6:15 am and had coffee and read the paper together. Still do this each and everyday until 7am when dh showers etc. Its our couple time to talk like adults, share current events, maybe have some relations etc. It certainly made up for not going out as much as we do now (kids older now) because as anyone with young children know, it takes some prep or maybe the kids or parents are not ready. Or maybe a sitter is $$$. But at least we had that time everyday.

I would say we have always nurtured our relationship as husband and wife even with a newborn. Right after our first was born, like day 3- my MIL called and said she was bringing dinner. They brought it in, set the table, presented it and then took the baby in the living room to stare at and hold while we ate. The baby ate right before so she just slept on her grandpa. They said they were babysitting. They did that a few times.

I *would say yes, make your marriage a priority within reason*. Yes, have couple time but no dont put down a hungry baby because you want adult time. During naptime, you guys can go do the same. We would wait until the baby was as dh called it- milk drunk and sleeping off her meal and go out to the local burger joint on a quiet evening. She would sleep in the sling or carseat and we would have a quiet but quicker meal to recharge.

Now, we do date night once a week during summer months and 1-2 times during winter months. We have a teen who comes once a week for 3 hours on thursday evening. She also comes one morning a week and I run errands. For date night, we can walk a block to a favorite patio martini bar, we have taken a long bikeride, gone to the mall to shop and walk around, or even meet another couple. We ran into our pastor one night at a cafe and he remarked how wonderful it was we did datenight.

If you start to make your marriage a priority from Day 1, it falls into place because its always there, even in difficult times in your marriage like unemployment, death in family, colicky baby, sickness, raising kids, but do it within reason for you and your partner. For some priority is going to Italy for 2 weeks while the kids stay with grandma and are fine with that. For others, its sneaking down the street to have a coffee together. As your kids are growing, show them you appreciate you marriage and go off alone to do something. My children have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents now because they have spent time with them over the years. They also can deal with other people because they have had several babysitters over the years here and there while mommy and daddy go out to a party etc.


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## beenmum (Nov 29, 2010)

My kids will always be first. I choose to have them. They had no say in the matter so to speak.


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *beenmum*
> 
> My kids will always be first. I choose to have them. They had no say in the matter so to speak.


I have a few friends and people I know who feel as strongly as you do about this. My problem, some of these kids know it and know the world revolves around them and them only. My DH always remarks how sorry he feels for these parents' future daughter and son in laws.


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## mom2happy (Sep 19, 2009)

Couldn't have said it better myself!

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Jeannine*
> 
> If you and your spouse are united in putting the kids first, doing that and putting the marriage first are the same thing.
> 
> Certainly, it's good for the whole family - kids included - if parents get the occasional night out alone, that type of thing. But when it comes to making sacrifices, if both parents agree that the kids' needs should be the top priority (while they're still minors), then, for example, sacrificing, a special couple's vacation or date nights at expensive restaurants, to pay for the kids' tuition or college savings; or giving up alone-time in your room to let a toddler sleep with you; doesn't mean you're putting your marriage second. Knowing you're doing the best possible job of raising your kids IS a marital priority, something that makes you feel pleased and on the right track, *together*.


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## Mother in Mercy (Jul 21, 2009)

As the child of divorced parents, the idea of making marriage a priority is huge for me. And as an only child, raised by a mother who made me her everything, I completely agree with the above poster who said to make sure your children know they are loved but not the center of the universe. Let me tell you from experience, you cannot (despite your very fervent intentions) take care of your children as well if you are not making sure your marriage is taken care of. Like other posters said, the two aren't actually separate.

I do see why some of you are balking at the idea of putting children "second", as if they're less important human beings. As co-sleepers and semi-attachment-parenters, we're always negotiating the boundary of how to give your all to your children, not balking at making sacrifices in your personal habits ala "children should be seen"-style parenting. Attachment parenting is not incommensurate with making your marriage "first" -- what AP doesn't work with is making yourSELF first. But then, neither does marriage.


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## Humnmilk4Humnbabes (Dec 13, 2008)

I feel like I am hearing a lot of temporal answers. "Right now" the kids are our number one priority, etc ... when I listen to this question- I feel like it really asks for a "big picture" answer.

*Which is our number #1 priority- marriage or kids?*

That's a hard question for any parent to think about. Right now, my husband and I have a 6.5 year old, 3 year old and an 11 month old and we are not done having babies. We are definitely in the "kids attached at our hips" stage in our lives. We love it. We are happy. Our kids love it. They are happy.

BUT our kids will not be living with us forever- at some point, they will go to school and/or get married, possibly move far away (Please no! I want my grandbabies near me!!) ... and we will move onto a new chapter where it is just us (my husband & I). For the rest of our lives, it will be us.

I think this question's answer is really formed in the *way* you look at marriage. We married each other for life. So for us, *our* relationship is *THE* most important relationship we will ever give our energy to.

Do most of our time, energy, thoughts, prayers, advices, kisses, etc, go towards our children on a daily basis- YES! Eventually and realistically, however, our children will be adults someday. Because of this, our kids are OUR priority but our marriage is our number #1 focus. All other positive, heartfelt, life decisions and children come from this focus- not the other way around.

We DO go on dates when we can- usually with the youngest baby in tow (still feels like a date if you don't have all three!). Putting your marriage first doesn't have anything to do with dates and trips. To me, this life focus signifies: I will respect my husband despite disagreements, we will be a team (even when our 6.5 year old "slyly" tries to divide us), we will hold hands and even "make out" in public no matter how old we are, we will cuddle every morning for a few minutes before we face the day, we will maintain our sex life and our communication. This all can be done while still keeping our kids close ... but we will not lose our identity as a couple in the choas.

I want to come out the other side knowing we have grown older together and that we still know each other as well, if not better, than when we first fell in love.


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## leighi123 (Nov 14, 2007)

I put my ds WAY ahead of my husband. A spouse can take care of themselves, a child cannot.

I'm a single parent, and I should have probably left my husband years before I did. It took having a kid to realize where my priority should be. I put my son first, got divorced and our lives are much better for it.


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## smz2011 (Jun 8, 2011)

Much like everyone else, I think it's a balance. However, my husband and I always believed that children were added to a family, they don't create one. So for us, making sure our family unit is in a good place is important whether that be between us, or between us and DD, or DD and any future children we might have.


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## emily24 (Feb 29, 2008)

What a great conversation.

I came from a divorced home, so my marriage and my relationship with my husband does come before my children, but I don't think that means that my children are neglected or less important. And we still very much practice attachment parenting.

Based on what I experienced growing up I feel that the very best thing I can do for my children is to love and respect their father and that he does the same for me. This doesn't mean we neglect our children or leave them out. We do have bi-monthly date nights without the children, but they LOVE those nights because they get to either spend it with their grandparents or with their favorite babysitter. We still cosleep but DH and I make sure that we make an effort to be intimate outside of the bed where the children are even if it takes more time, planning, and energy.

I would say putting our marriage first does require a little extra sometimes. For example, we do have a babysitter and I invested a lot of time having her over and spending time with me and the kids so they felt comfortable with her while I wasn't there. Of course most of your time and energy goes to your children (especially when they are really young) but we always make sure to keep the health of our marriage a top priority because someday our children will be grown and all we will have left everyday is each other and we want to enjoy that time and not look at each other and wonder what happened.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I seriously think that anyone who would divorce his or her spouse because that spouse is too focused on the kids is probably someone that the family is better off without. I agree with Jeanine that putting the kids first during their high need times IS putting the marriage first. Of course, I also believe in making sure my dh feels loved. This is fairly easy for me since he has never demanded that I stint our children in any way in order to "prove" my love for him.

I guess I can understand the fearfulness about marriage problems for people who've been badly hurt by divorce. In my case, I'm naturally concerned during times when I feel like dh and I are losing touch. I naturally put a little more effort into getting us back into communication. But I'm simply not scared that he's going to cheat on me or leave me just because things are crappy at a particular moment. We just get through it and go on.

I'm sorry that this hasn't been the norm for many people. Of course, when I say crappy I'm not talking about abuse, but really more of a feeling that things are not as good as they could be. I do believe that there are some situations that definitely warrant a divorce.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

For those who put their marriage first, I do have one question. What does that actually look like, on a day-to-day basis? I mean...dh and I are both wiped out. We're financially tight right now (not broke, but we bought a new minivan last January, and it won't be paid off for a while yet - it puts a strain on the monthly cash flow...and ds1's grad year has been bizarrely expensive). DH is hugely important to me, and I love him tremendously. I also agree with the poster who said that he and I are for life. DS1 is already on the verge of moving out (would be doing so, except that he can pay his way loan-free through his three year post-secondary program if he lives at home). I know that the other three will do so, eventually, although it's still a long way off for dd2!

But, I just...we can't reasonably afford date night very often. We don't have a lot of energy for getting through the day, let alone putting a bunch into each other. I just can't quite imagine what putting each other first would look like.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

For me this is what I do. Sometimes it doesn't always happen but I know for my husband it speaks his love language and he feels appreciated at the same time as well as leaves us both connected in a lot of ways. We are financially tight as well to what I say is broke. Before DD came along and in the last 6 yrs. I always get up with DH before he leaves for work and I make the coffee and fill his mug. The night before I lay out his clothes so its all ready for him. (he is very capable of doing so himself, I just choose to do so). When he comes home from PT in the morning I make him breakfast and lay out his uniform for him on the bed. Again he is very able to do so himself I just do it because 1. I enjoy doing it for him and I know it helps him out. He views it as an act of service(his primary love language) and 2. he works such long hours that now with DD he misses out on a lot of the little stuff so this way he can spend a few extra minutes with DD.

If he will be home by 730pm I will wait and eat with him. However if he isn't home by 730 or doesn't call or text and say hey I will be home in a few I will go ahead and eat without him. DD gets fed before that but I will wait for him.

Now when I first had DD and sleep deprived I adjusted a few things. Like if DD was up and fallen back asleep like a half hour before DH got up I would make his coffee set his mug out with a note and go to sleep myself. After we got adjusted I started getting up with him again. Even if I would go back to sleep soon after he left. Same with his breakfast during that time he ate a lot of quick microwave breakfast or made them himself.

Every since we got married he has had some form of job that he was never home much. He drove truck the first 2 yrs of our marriage. some odd normal jobs in between then finally joined the army our 3rd year of marriage. Every Sunday night when he left on the road I always stuck a note in his bag. That has continued to now everytime he leaves for the Army be it field training, deployment or schooling there is always a note. Now I have added one from DD as well. Although I forgot this last trip so while he understands I felt like crap. He also knows its there but not to open it till he has left the house and on the plane or to his destination.

Date nights yeah don't happen since having DD. But once a month what we will do is after DD goes to bed we will watch a movie either one we already own or if there is one we really want to see that is on PPV we will order it, play a card/board game or a video game and have a late supper. Or we will just sit outside or in the living room and talk with no distractions. (which is huge since his phone is more of a distraction then anything) Of course if DD wakes up its gets squashed temporarily. Or if we do have a few extra bucks we will go out to eat. Eating out is a treat for us. So even with DD with it still is nice.

Our biggest hurdle we have at the moment is sex. and that is because we are just so both exhausted. I am chasing around a 9 month old and pregnant, he is working such long hours that its hasn't been happening as much as we like. But in turn we have been doing a lot of cuddling at night something that we generally don't do.

I hate all things mechanics like working on stuff just not my cup of tea at all. But I will sit out with him if DD is napping and watch him and talk to him.

We have had our fair share of problems down to almost getting a divorce but we have always worked through them and improved in the areas we need be. We stopped looking at our marriage as what can I can get out of this and what can I do for the other person even. I found the Love Dare and the 5 Love Languages to be very helpful for us.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> For those who put their marriage first, I do have one question. What does that actually look like, on a day-to-day basis? I mean...dh and I are both wiped out. We're financially tight right now (not broke, but we bought a new minivan last January, and it won't be paid off for a while yet - it puts a strain on the monthly cash flow...and ds1's grad year has been bizarrely expensive). DH is hugely important to me, and I love him tremendously. I also agree with the poster who said that he and I are for life. DS1 is already on the verge of moving out (would be doing so, except that he can pay his way loan-free through his three year post-secondary program if he lives at home). I know that the other three will do so, eventually, although it's still a long way off for dd2!
> 
> But, I just...we can't reasonably afford date night very often. We don't have a lot of energy for getting through the day, let alone putting a bunch into each other. I just can't quite imagine what putting each other first would look like.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

This is all interesting. We have some similar dynamics. I think dh's primary (or maybe secondary - he really, really likes sex) love language is probably acts of service. That doesn't work out that well, as I'm just too wiped. (I also don't like receiving acts of service all that much, which is an ongoing "thing".) I could never do what you do in the morning, because dh is the morning person around here (actually, he makes my coffee on weekends!). So, there are differences, but the overall picture is fairly similar to ours...but I don't feel that I put my marriage first.

As with all subjects like this, I think maybe we're all interpreting terms differently or something...


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

good question Storm Bride,

As I stated, for everyone its different. I agree, everyone has different Love Languages. Also, putting your marriage first before children, or Anything. I have a BIL for didnt have children but put his marriage after his career, and most likely marriage was third or maybe more than that. His previous wife had so many designer bags, not that she cared. But he traveled a lot and all around the world for days at a time. He after being gone for days or weeks, no doubt presented her with a new fab expensive bag or whatever. How lucky she is to receive! Right? WRONG. But that was his love language, material possessions.

I have heard spouses do this to each other. And fail.

I think putting your marriage first can be done for pennies or just minutes daily. Coffee in the morning not your thing? Find something else maybe a folded shirt or a little note in his car etc.

Since we had 5 years in our married life before having the children, we knew what worked for one another.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

DH and I have never been together without kids. He met me when ds1 was seven, and moved in when ds1 was eight.

I think we are just interpreting things differently, though. We're not note in the lunchbox type people, but I wouldn't consider that sort of thing as putting the marriage first. I'd just consider it part of keeping the balance. In many ways, the kids are "first" right now, as ds2 probably has special needs, and dd2 is still a barely verbal toddler. But, we strive for balance, and the kids being first doesn't mean I just ignore him (although I have had a regrettable tendency to treat him as a servant in my early weeks post-partum/poat-op  ).


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

I think that is what makes some difference is for us we had been married 7 yrs before we got pregnant with DD. So it turned more into how do I balance being a new mom as well as being a wife. It is all about balance and I think wording is just that and how one reads it and not really meaning to take the word priority as face value. For us its more about the intent of something rather then the actual action. If I am doing stuff to just do it with no heart into it, DH would be offended and say no thanks I will do it myself. But if I am doing it because I want to do it then it is different. So I also think some of it is how your SO feels about it. We still struggle in a lot of areas.


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## Dandy (Oct 7, 2006)

I don't think you have to choose, as long as you are mindful to both. If I have to choose, I guess it would be my marriage. I don't know if my actions would support that claim, though.

There are seasons where our marriage is on the back burner, but I am in this for the long run. It's not like I would ever choose not to meet my son's needs... but it certainly is easy to neglect a husband, and so I make a conscious effort to love on him, too.


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## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

I think when people talk about putting their marriage first, it simply means that making sure the marriage is a priority and all one's energy isn't used up on the kids with nothing left for the marriage. It doesn't mean you have to use babysitters and take vacations without the kids and make the babies CIO. It simply means that the spouses need to take time for each other. That could even involve things like strapping a baby into a carrier and taking a walk together, or putting the kids to bed early so you have time together, or making each other their favorite meals, phone calls in the middle of the day. Even something as simple as stopping what one is doing for 10 minutes and taking time to REALLY LISTEN when the other spouse tells you about their day. How it looks will be different for each couple, but making sure that each spouse knows the other one is important, that their marriage is important and that they will take the time and energy to nurture it to the best of their ability.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I still completely reject the idea that either has to come first. There is no competition between my husband and our kids. We are a family, and our whole family comes first.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

DH and I were talking about this last night. And another area he brought up was one way to keep the marriage first is by keeping a united front. That even if we may not agree on something that we don't hash it out in front the kids if its something big. Some disagreements are healthy but fighting and major discussions should be done in private or if one parent is taking control of the situation(not talking abuse because there are situations where I am sure one needs to step in) and the other parent stepping in because they say its not right my way is better. That really puts a wedge between the two and sets a front that its easy to pit mom and dad against each other. Also just showing respect to each other. While I know DH and I have very traditional backbone for our marriage as in he is the head of the household, he gets final say on a lot of things. We are a team and nothing gets done without discussion unless there isn't time to make one which happens at times with his job. And I just have to trust that what he decided was for good reason.

I know if DH is taking care of DD it took me a bit to learn to back off and not be right there and let him find his own way.

And its about even though I am tired or cranky I still take time and energy to put into my spouse and relationship that I make an effort to make sure they feel love. So many people have kids and all their time and energy goes into the kids that they just put everything else on the back burner from self, marriage to friends.


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

I think this says it the best....

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ameliabedelia*
> 
> I think when people talk about putting their marriage first, it simply means that making sure the marriage is a priority and all one's energy isn't used up on the kids with nothing left for the marriage. It doesn't mean you have to use babysitters and take vacations without the kids and make the babies CIO. It simply means that the spouses need to take time for each other. That could even involve things like strapping a baby into a carrier and taking a walk together, or putting the kids to bed early so you have time together, or making each other their favorite meals, phone calls in the middle of the day. Even something as simple as stopping what one is doing for 10 minutes and taking time to REALLY LISTEN when the other spouse tells you about their day. How it looks will be different for each couple, but making sure that each spouse knows the other one is important, that their marriage is important and that they will take the time and energy to nurture it to the best of their ability.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

new2this, in reference to what you said about a united front, I used to think (before having kids) that my husband and I should never disagree in front of the children.

Then I had my had my own children and learned how very difficult it would be to ever have any real conversations if we saved all big discussions for the approximately ten or so minutes a day that we were both awake and our children were both asleep.

I do believe in disagreeing respectfully and not raising our voices to one another if we can help it. However, I now actually think there's value in children seeing that Mommy and Daddy can disagree and sometimes they can even get mad about something, and yet they still love each other and still stay together.

I also no longer see the term "united front" as a good analogy for the parent-child relationship since we are not at war with one another.


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

With things regarding the children, we do keep a united front. We pretty much agree 99% with the other regarding the raising of our children. There will be exceptions as there has been which usually the other helps the other backpeddle.

But yes, if we saved things we dont agree about to only when the kids are not present, we would have no times to just be us because we would be going over anything and everything. We dont normally fight but yes we disagree of various things and neither has any issue saying anything about it to the other. Not in an attacking way, but 'hey next time you are going upstairs please bring you 3 pairs of shoes.' Which btw, could be either of us saying it to the other one! Or DH reminding me to please please water the outside plants in the early AM because it was a sorcher and we just planted them. I forgot the day before and yes, please do it!
Of course then fast forward 3 days, we had a huge rainstorm. He said that morning, hey dont bother with the plants...both my kids just cracked up.

Also, yes I agree sometimes your marriage might take the back burner while something else takes priority. But there is a fine line how to manage that. How long on the back burner and why? How do you move it forward and away from the back burner?


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

I'm not talking about day to day disagreements. I think healthy disagreements over things are good for kids to see. Shoot DH and I a disagree on a lot of things and love a good debate between each other. He is a hard core republican where as I am more liberal so it can be very heated around here at times..lol I can only go off of my experience and DH's. My parents disagreed, my parents got upset with each other but it was was done in a healthy way where it was. Then DH had parents who fought and while in some points it was abusive. I mean we could all be going somewhere and his parents would have an all out fight in the parking lot to include physical abuse or verbal abuse. I used to work for them and I was put in the middle of their fights. It was very unreal to me because I saw my parents fight however not to that extreme. When it came to things that related to us kids. my parents always backed each other up and then discussed it in private later if they felt things needed to be done differently. Where as DH's mom always stepped in when she shouldn't have and the times where she should have she never would. Of course DH came from a very abusive home. Both his parents were abusive to each other and these are all things we are working at with DH. Because he blocked a lot out and now having DD he is remembering things and trying to make the changes he needs to so she never grows up thinking that what he saw was normal. Then on the other hand I have a BIL who to this day has never seen his parents disagree on anything. He has no idea how to handle confrontation or how to disagree/stand up for himself. He is getting better but still is a work in progress.

I also mean more in a situation where like if DH felt something DD did deserves for her to be grounded and I felt like well I think your over reacting. I don't think its wise to have that discussion in front of DD and I need to back him up at that moment. Things like that.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mammal_mama*
> 
> new2this, in reference to what you said about a united front, I used to think (before having kids) that my husband and I should never disagree in front of the children.
> 
> ...


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

new2this, glad you clarified that, because I read it that way too.

Funny you talk about your inlaws, that was my paternal grandparents! My parents both grew up in households where both parents fought and yelled etc. Both of my parents agreed No, that is not a marriage for me. They also lived in the midwest when raising us and my grandparents were on the east coast and another set in Florida (the fighting ones). So I saw my grandparents once or twice a year and it was something for me to see them fight with each other. It was nuts. Now I knew why my parents moved away.

We have also had private discussion about- hey maybe we were too soft or too hard on the kids about whatever, nothing extreme but enough to warrent a private talk.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

new2this, thanks for explaining further!


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *new2this*
> 
> I also mean more in a situation where like if DH felt something DD did deserves for her to be grounded and I felt like well I think your over reacting. I don't think its wise to have that discussion in front of DD and I need to back him up at that moment. Things like that.


Why can't you say, "Can we talk this over in private before making a decision?"

I'll all for backing up my spouse, but not if I think he's wrong. He will need to convince me that he's right. And if he can't see things my way and I can't see things his way, compromise needs to be reached.

Consequences shouldn't be handed out in the heat of the moment, anyway, IMNSHO. Cool heads prevail.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

Sure I could say that but if I walk in and he is already dealing with it why do I have the right to butt in? Even if I don't walk in and am right there and he steps up and handles it first. It totally underminds him and his parenting skills. Same way if he is handling DD now and she is upset and he is trying to soothe her and I butt in. For our relationship and household the only time I would step in when he handling the kids is if he was being abusive (verbal, physically or emotional) Outside of that I trust he is doing what he is doing for good reason and I support it. And punishments can always be changed but if he is the one that handed it out he needs to be the one that deals with it. I just need to enforce it when he isn't around.

We believe in dealing the with situation at the moment rather then waiting unless its something big.

But when it comes to our marriage we do a lot of things traditionally like he is the man of the house and things of that nature. It works for us and that's how we decided together to be. So I don't expect other to do it but that's just how it is for us. and how we plan on raising our kids in a more traditional old school type of way with some modification.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *2xy*
> 
> Why can't you say, "Can we talk this over in private before making a decision?"
> 
> ...


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *new2this*
> 
> But when it comes to our marriage we do a lot of things traditionally like he is the man of the house and things of that nature. It works for us and that's how we decided together to be. So I don't expect other to do it but that's just how it is for us. and how we plan on raising our kids in a more traditional old school type of way with some modification.


This is actually the viewpoint of most of the people I have met in real life who promote the idea of "marriage first" -- which is why, as I've alluded to upthread, I tend to see it more as man or husband first than marriage first. I'm not saying this to single out or attack new2this, and I actually do appreciate all the time and thought she's put into her responses here.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *new2this*
> 
> Sure I could say that but if I walk in and he is already dealing with it why do I have the right to butt in? Even if I don't walk in and am right there and he steps up and handles it first. It totally underminds him and his parenting skills. Same way if he is handling DD now and she is upset and he is trying to soothe her and I butt in. For our relationship and household the only time I would step in when he handling the kids is if he was being abusive (verbal, physically or emotional) Outside of that I trust he is doing what he is doing for good reason and I support it. And punishments can always be changed but if he is the one that handed it out he needs to be the one that deals with it. I just need to enforce it when he isn't around.
> 
> ...


Well, I won't argue with you. That type of relationship with my husband and children wouldn't work for me. I'm not a fan of patriarchy or knee-jerk reactions.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

I wouldn't expect you to argue with me. Its one of those situations where what works for one doesn't mean it works for the other. We are not a household of because I'm the man and I said so thats why. Just as because I am the parent thats why doesn't really work either. We don't get very far with that type of thinking here. We take what works for us and leave what doesn't. Its hard to explain without it sounding like we are living in an era of before woman had rights. We are equal in every sense. However when it comes down to it I trust my husband's final say on things I mean if I didn't then I never would have stayed with him. Everything I do is because I chose to do so, not because I am forced into doing it. We discuss everything that we can when it effects the family but if he has to make a choice on the spot about something I trust he is doing it because he feels its best for our family type thing. Just as if I had to he knows I would be doing it for good reason. I mean I can't expect him to respect me if I don't give the same type of respect to him.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *2xy*
> 
> Well, I won't argue with you. That type of relationship with my husband and children wouldn't work for me. I'm not a fan of patriarchy or knee-jerk reactions.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *new2this*
> 
> I We are equal in every sense. However when it comes down to it I trust my husband's final say on things I mean if I didn't then I never would have stayed with him. Everything I do is because I chose to do so, not because I am forced into doing it. We discuss everything that we can when it effects the family but if he has to make a choice on the spot about something I trust he is doing it because he feels its best for our family type thing. Just as if I had to he knows I would be doing it for good reason. I mean I can't expect him to respect me if I don't give the same type of respect to him.


So....you wouldn't have stayed with him if you didn't trust his final say? Why does he stay with you if he doesn't trust what you think/say? If you are equals, as you claim, that is.

Sorry, I just don't get it.

Your other post said "I also mean more in a situation where like if DH felt something DD did deserves for her to be grounded and I felt like well I think your over reacting." If you trusted his judgment and his final say, then you would never feel like he is overreacting.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Yes, I don't stay with dh because I'm always willing to let him have the final say...I stay because we love each other and our girls would be devastated to have Mommy living one place and Daddy in another.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *2xy*
> 
> So....you wouldn't have stayed with him if you didn't trust his final say?


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

That's not true I still have my own feelings and opinions and we disagree on some things. Even if I trust it doesn't mean I won't say hey I think maybe your over reacting or might have been able to handle it in a better way. But I am done trying to explain because I shouldn't need to paint a exact picture. We both feel we are equals and that is all that matters. But I also know my outlook on things doesn't really fit with those on the board here. I am okay with that. I am here because there are parts of natural parenting that I do follow. While others not so much. Like I said we live in the traditional sense but with modifications.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *2xy*
> 
> So....you wouldn't have stayed with him if you didn't trust his final say? Why does he stay with you if he doesn't trust what you think/say? If you are equals, as you claim, that is.
> 
> ...


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

Ok I am not staying with him for that main reason either, but we have been through a lot where at one point we were going to divorce and we are working at building our marriage back to where we would like to see it. I stay with my husband and put up with his crap for years as he put up with mine because we love each other and reality is we had no reason to stay together. We had no kids at the time. So it would have been very easy divorce to just walk away. But obviously we felt we still had it in us to fight for our marriage and here we are. Now with kids mixed in and well divorce hasn't been talked about since we made the choice to stay together.

I guess what I meant with the I stay because I trust him comment is more like If I didn't trust how he does things then what is the point of staying. You can love someone all you want but if there is no trust then its pointless. And trust goes way deeper then "oh are they being faithful"

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mammal_mama*
> 
> Yes, I don't stay with dh because I'm always willing to let him have the final say...I stay because we love each other and our girls would be devastated to have Mommy living one place and Daddy in another.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

new2this, you don't need to worry that you don't fit with the board. This board represents many diverse view points!

But about trust -- maybe we define it in different ways. To me, "trust" doesn't mean that I'll go along with someone else's decision to treat my child in a way that doesn't sit right with me. I trust my husband and children, but that doesn't mean that they are my conscience. Only my own conscience can be my conscience.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

I view it the same way. But not all things that don't feel right are necessarily wrong either. I don't think just because I am mom that my feelings on things with my kids trumps dads feeling ya know. So if he felt that his grounding or whatever it maybe even after we discuss it is so important and its not all that important to me outside of hey I think maybe its a bit harsh I trust that he has darn good reason for it to be so important to him. I mean yes if I felt so strong about something then I say hey no either we compromise or it don't happen at all. Just as I would expect him to do the same and we have. Our biggest hurdle was vaxing DD. We went round and round about it both presenting our sides, however he did win in that situation because at that moment I couldn't see a reason why not to after he made his case. We did compromise on how its done and what ones we will skip or delay so we both came to that agreement. And in turn he has been to every apt she has had where shots were given. I mean she is only 9 months old and we haven't even really gotten into parenting outside of the newborn stage. But we do discuss a lot about the future what ifs because he did come from a screwed up broken home where there was abuse. And he wants to change it so the cycle don't keep repeating itself. And really he obviously does trust me because he is in a job that takes him away for months up to a year or more at a time. And so not all things get discussed till after the fact. And he knows I would never do anything to harm DD or do something that goes against our dynamics of our family. Just as if it was reversed I know he would never go and do something that would go against the dynamics of our family. We had a long 9 months to figure stuff out before DD was here because well if things hadn't changed on both our parts I was walking, because I refuse to raise DD or our future kids in a home like he grew up in.

So one thing I do for myself to save myself a unneeded argument I ask myself why is this so important to me, and why doesn't it sit right with me. Is it because of feeling or is it deeper then just a hey this don't seem right. Because there have been times where something hasn't seemed right but turned out just fine and glad I went along with it because in the end it was very rewarding.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mammal_mama*
> 
> new2this, you don't need to worry that you don't fit with the board. This board represents many diverse view points!
> 
> But about trust -- maybe we define it in different ways. To me, "trust" doesn't mean that I'll go along with someone else's decision to treat my child in a way that doesn't sit right with me. I trust my husband and children, but that doesn't mean that they are my conscience. Only my own conscience can be my conscience.


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## claritygolden (Apr 23, 2009)

I too agree with others who have said there is no "first"--I believe my marriage and my children are all equal priorities. But in terms of making marriage a priority, I think it's really a longer term/bigger picture view. Day-to-day my son tends to take priority, but if I feel like the overall balance is getting out of control, I try to devote a little more energy to my marriage. Sometimes that takes the form of doing things to make my partner feel special, other times it means doing things that will benefit both of us (like making time for sex, having a date night if we can, holding hands while we watch our son play at the park, etc). He does the same. If one of us feels like we need some reconnection, we make an effort to vocalize that to avoid letting any one person drift too far away and feel resentful. It's sort of a mutual monitoring and renegotiation.

I guess I've just seen many marriages in my life fall apart after kids. I know 4 different couples at this moment who have young children and are in the process of divorce. Each of them led those kind of crazy hectic lives where they barely saw each other, never seemed to enjoy each other's company, didn't have "time" for conversation/togetherness/joy, etc. I am sure it doesn't happen to all couples like that, but it does seem to happen to many of them. I see my own parents--my mom put everything she had into raising kids, forgoing all friendships, activities, interests, and her connection with my dad. And now they are still married but couldn't be farther apart emotionally. I just don't want to go down that road, and neither does my husband.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

We strive for balance and the kids got more than their fair share when they were small. Obviously, responsible people know that littles come first and goals sometimes have to be put on hold for a while. But we make marriage a priority because we have seen friends struggle down the divorced/single parent road. It's no fun at all. We don't want that for our children.

Now that my kids are in high school, my hubby and I do find time for dates, fun, hikes and good sex because if we've been good parents we'll be empty nesters soon. We don't want us not to have anything to say to each other. We are building more shared experiences and memories so that we will have a life together after children.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> For those who put their marriage first, I do have one question. What does that actually look like, on a day-to-day basis? I mean...dh and I are both wiped out. We're financially tight right now (not broke, but we bought a new minivan last January, and it won't be paid off for a while yet - it puts a strain on the monthly cash flow...and ds1's grad year has been bizarrely expensive). DH is hugely important to me, and I love him tremendously. I also agree with the poster who said that he and I are for life. DS1 is already on the verge of moving out (would be doing so, except that he can pay his way loan-free through his three year post-secondary program if he lives at home). I know that the other three will do so, eventually, although it's still a long way off for dd2!
> 
> But, I just...we can't reasonably afford date night very often. We don't have a lot of energy for getting through the day, let alone putting a bunch into each other. I just can't quite imagine what putting each other first would look like.


Making the time to have real conversations with each other, not just conversations about the kids. Having common interests outside of the home and kids, so that we don't bore each other to distraction. Keeping up with current affairs so that we have things to talk about besides the kids!

I'm sure this won't be popular, but most of my co-workers are men, and a lot of those who are divorced tell me that their marriage broke down because (in their opinion, of course) their wives gave up talking about anything beyond the kids and the family finances.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *choli*
> 
> Making the time to have real conversations with each other, not just conversations about the kids. Having common interests outside of the home and kids, so that we don't bore each other to distraction. Keeping up with current affairs so that we have things to talk about besides the kids!
> 
> I'm sure this won't be popular, but most of my co-workers are men, and a lot of those who are divorced tell me that their marriage broke down because (in their opinion, of course) their wives gave up talking about anything beyond the kids and the family finances.


These are the answers I'm seeing from most people, but I'm still not getting how this is putting the marriage first. If the marriage and the children are both priorities, then they're both priorities. That would obviously (imo, at least) include taking time for each other as partners. These things all sound like simply keeping balance, yk?

Quite honestly, I've watched enough marriages come apart that I wouldn't pay much attention to what either party told me was the reason for their divorce. If I heard it from both parties? Sure. But, otherwise? Nope. I can remember the reasons my ex thought I kicked him out and they would have been hilarious, if they hadn't been so infuriating. (And, I talked a lot about ds1 and about our finances, but I talked about many other things, as well...not that it mattered, because he wasn't bloody listening, anyway.) Divorce is probably the single most perfect illustration of the concept that there are three side to every story.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> Divorce is probably the single most perfect illustration of the concept that there are three side to every story.


That's for sure! I recall when one expectant mama told me that it was important to her to supplement breastfeeding with bottle feeding, and to continue working after her baby was born, because she felt that what broke her mom and dad up was that her mom totally absorbed herself with the care of the children, and her dad felt left out and started cheating on her. Never mind the fact that, at around the time this woman became pregnant with her child, her dad was in the process of divorce from his second wife because he'd been cheating on her. She just seemed so sure that she needed to bend over backwards to make sure her husband was just as involved in their baby's care as she was.

And yet, she said her dad used to buy her skimpy clothes when she was a teen and tell her that boys would like her if she wore them. It seemed like there was so much more to the story than just "Dad felt so left out."

Of course, it was totally her choice and no one's business whether she breastfed, worked, or what have you, and certainly no tragedy that she and her husband decided to do it that way.

It just kind of made me feel sorry for her mom since it sounded like her mom had it really rough raising the kids on her own while her husband ran around with other women, and here her daughter was kinda blaming her, or so it seemed to me...but of course I don't even know them so I it's none of my business, just something that made an impression on me.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *choli*
> 
> I'm sure this won't be popular, but most of my co-workers are men, and a lot of those who are divorced tell me that their marriage broke down because (in their opinion, of course) their wives gave up talking about anything beyond the kids and the family finances.


You know, I've heard that, too. But I suppose the women could say that their husbands never talked about anything but work and sports.


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## purplerose (Dec 27, 2010)

In my experience as a sahm for around 15 years now, it can be very hard to have things to talk about besides kids, money, or dh's work or our hobbies(sports or whatever), unless things are going on outside your family. Like inlaw drama or friends or some major catastrope in the news.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *purplerose*
> 
> In my experience as a sahm for around 15 years now, it can be very hard to have things to talk about besides kids, money, or dh's work or our hobbies(sports or whatever), unless things are going on outside your family. Like inlaw drama or friends or some major catastrope in the news.


I don't agree. I've been at SAHM for 15 years now and I always have lots to talk about. I read non-fiction, best sellers and artsy-fartsy stuff. I listen to NPR and volunteer in three cool organizations. I never let myself be boring.


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## purplerose (Dec 27, 2010)

Those things would qualify as hobbies, which is one of the topics I mentioned. And what's not boring for some can be super-boring to others.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *purplerose*
> 
> In my experience as a sahm for around 15 years now, it can be very hard to have things to talk about besides kids, money, or dh's work or our hobbies(sports or whatever), unless things are going on outside your family. Like inlaw drama or friends or some major catastrope in the news.


I think this is true for some, but not others. I'm a SAHM and DH and I constantly have stuff to talk about besides all those things listed. Maybe I am just lucky though.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *purplerose*
> 
> Those things would qualify as hobbies, which is one of the topics I mentioned. And what's not boring for some can be super-boring to others.


If we're going to include reading non-fiction and novels and listening to the radio and volunteer work (and, presumably, the organizations within which the volunteer work takes place) under the heading of "hobbies", then I can't see any possible reason why "only" talking about the kids, money, work and hobbies should be considered limiting in any way. This potentially includes all kinds of current events, abstract concepts, and personal philosophies, etc. There are very few things that wouldn't/don't fit into these categories, yk?


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## purplerose (Dec 27, 2010)

Yeah, that was my point...there's really not much to talk about besides what goes on in our lives, someone else's lives, or something happening in the world(and I said catastrophe but I didn't mean it to be limited to that, I have to type quickly and get in what I can in limited time!) When the kids were little and things were hectic most conversations were started by talking about the kids or work. They did progress to other things but those were the biggest things in our lives at the time.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *purplerose*
> 
> Yeah, that was my point...there's really not much to talk about besides what goes on in our lives, someone else's lives, or something happening in the world(and I said catastrophe but I didn't mean it to be limited to that, I have to type quickly and get in what I can in limited time!) When the kids were little and things were hectic most conversations were started by talking about the kids or work. They did progress to other things but those were the biggest things in our lives at the time.


I don't think I'm following you at all. What does any of this have to do with being a SAHM? I can't think of anything that I could/would have discussed with my dh (or ex, or whatever) during my years as a WOHM that I can't/don't discuss as a SAHM. I'm just not sure what you're getting at.

In any case, I think complaints that "she only talks about the kids and our finances" and "he only talks about his work and sports" and such are really a very basic matter of "he/she isn't listening to me and/or doesn't care about the things that are important to me". That can be an issue, even if topics of conversation are many and varied, yk?


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *choli*
> 
> Making the time to have real conversations with each other, not just conversations about the kids. Having common interests outside of the home and kids, so that we don't bore each other to distraction. Keeping up with current affairs so that we have things to talk about besides the kids!
> 
> I'm sure this won't be popular, but most of my co-workers are men, and a lot of those who are divorced tell me that their marriage broke down because (in their opinion, of course) their wives gave up talking about anything beyond the kids and the family finances.


Seriously?!!! hello. i totally dont buy that. isnt it normal to do that kinda talk originally. and to branch out at others as motherhood becomes second nature and its not so spanking new anymore. probably family finances is the key issue here.

in situations like this i feel cracks were already there and the parents thought the children would be the band aids but instead they were like salt into open wounds.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *APToddlerMama*
> 
> I think this is true for some, but not others. I'm a SAHM and DH and I constantly have stuff to talk about besides all those things listed. Maybe I am just lucky though.


I am NOT a SAHM and DH and I have a fair amount to talk about. My ex-husband and I hardly talked about anything, and I also was not a SAHM. He simply wasn't interested in what I had to say, and vice-versa. We got married young and when we grew up, we were totally different people. When I look back on it, the only thing we had in common was the military. When I left the service, we no longer had anything to talk about. He's boring as hell and has no passion for anything except the Ohio State Buckeyes, Fantasy Football, and Dale Earnhart (Sr, not Jr.) My activism and general weirdness embarrassed him.

I think that people can find things to talk about if they are at all on a harmonious level, SAHM or not.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> In any case, I think complaints that "she only talks about the kids and our finances" and "he only talks about his work and sports" and such are really a very basic matter of "he/she isn't listening to me and/or doesn't care about the things that are important to me". That can be an issue, even if topics of conversation are many and varied, yk?


I really agree with this. I would add that those comments don't just mean, "he/she doesn't care about the things that are important to me,' but they also mean:

"I do not care about the things that are important to him/her."

When our kids were little and my days were crazy and exhausting as a SAHM, if my DH would have felt I was a poor conversationalist because I didn't have anything to talk about but the children that we brought into the world together and the home we created together, then I think the fault would have been his, not mine.

Luckily, I married a man who is interested in his children.

Now that the kids are older and I have more freedom, I find myself a lot more interesting, and DH is happy for me.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> I really agree with this. I would add that those comments don't just mean, "he/she doesn't care about the things that are important to me,' but they also mean:
> 
> ...


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> think he's more happy that I'm interested and have something to do that isn't all about the kids/house/family than he's interested in the choir itself. He doesn't really like Broadway music, outside the context of an actual play. *He likes the choir for what it does for me.*


Exactly! In the same vein, I'm happy about what fantasy football does for my DH. I don't care about football, at all. I think fantasy football is kinda silly, but it makes him so happy. He has friends all over the country that he's in a league with. He's such a serious guy and so focused on Work and Family, I think it's good he lets loose and does something silly with his friends.

I think that part of being happily married is being happy about the things that make your spouse happy, and that includes listen when they talk about those things and caring about how they feel about them.

On the other hand, unhappily married often seems to include a feeling that the way your spouse spends their time isn't worthwhile and that they don't have their priorities in the right place.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> I think that part of being happily married is being happy about the things that make your spouse happy, and that includes listen when they talk about those things and caring about how they feel about them.
> 
> On the other hand, unhappily married often seems to include a feeling that the way your spouse spends their time isn't worthwhile and that they don't have their priorities in the right place.


.....and that your spouse is generally a self-centered dick who only cares about himself.

I didn't begrudge my ex his sports fanaticism. I couldn't stand the way he thought "quality time" with the kids was watching TV together, or the way he would sneak off to go fishing so he wouldn't have to take them with him. I hated the way he turned every family outing into a trip to Hell, what with bitching about the kids' clothes not matching, or they were talking too loudly, or whatever. Oh, and I really didn't like when he slept with other women. Yeah, I guess his priorities weren't in the right place. They still aren't. He's adopted his wife's daughter, and has seen his own kids for one afternoon in the past 18 months.

It's kind of hard to happily listen to stuff that bores you when the person talking is a boor. My husband sometimes talks about stuff that I don't particularly enjoy, but he's lovable and likable, so it's different.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *2xy*
> 
> .....and that your spouse is generally a self-centered dick who only cares about himself.


yes, I think the OPer was assuming that one is partnered with a caring humane being that one cares deeply about. It's really a very different question without that assumption.

1. Do you feel your marriage to a person of character who loves you and your children and you hope to have as a partner for life is more important than your kids?

vs

2. Do you feel marriage to a scum bag who doesn't care about you and avoids spending time with his kids, who you mostly hope will die early so you can have the insurance money, is more important than your kids?

With question 1, most would say balance, though some would say the kids or the spouse. With question 2, I think all would agree the kids are more important.


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## MJB (Nov 28, 2009)

They are both my top priorities. I want my kids to be healthy, happy, clean, fed, and educated. I also want date nights with my husband, enough sex, and quiet time to hang out together after the kids' bedtime. In the long run I want all of us to have great relationships with each individual in our family. Our toddler takes more work than my older two (who go to school all day 9 mos. out of the year). That doesn't mean she's more of a priority than my 3rd or 1st grader, I'm just doing what needs to be done.


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

I have a good marriage, I dont have a husband who is a - what was it? Self centered Dick. Love that! You just described my neighbor and we call him that, well not to his face.

If I was in that type of a relationship, I would put my kids first and get out of that since I dont want my kids thinking that is what marriage is. I am not saying I would just get up and leave one day, but try to work on it, get my self set up and then leave.

I have been a sahmom for 9 plus years and as pps have mentioned, we also have plenty of things to talk about. I think those who dont, didnt have anything really to say before they had the kids either.
It reminds me of the story of a relative saying how his wife was -Yes going back to work someday because she had 'Mommy mush brain." I thought to myself, what was her excuse before the child was born? But he has said many digs such as this before. He finally stopped when I reminded him, 'Well she married you didnt she?'

I wonder how many women have fallen for men who talk about how their X or STBX didnt have sex with them, talk to them, listen to them etc. How sexy to listen to that now isnt it?


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