# parenting war.....help!!!



## frowningfrog (Aug 25, 2005)

..


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:

he says she ws being a little bitch so i left her there








I'm sorry. I wouldn't stay with someone who would say this about a one-year-old.


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## earthmama369 (Jul 29, 2005)

Is he willing to learn?

That's the key behavior I've observed in the relationships of friends and family. If, when one partner has a concern, the other one is willing to *try* something, that bodes well for their future. If it's always one person reaching out and the other person is always closed off, then there's a bigger, underlying problem than the one they're at odds over.

Would he be willing to take a parenting class or go to counseling? Would he be willing to consider reading some literature on parenting or on the developmental stages of children and what is reasonable and not reasonable to expect of a 12-month-old?

If he isn't willing to do anything, you need to consider what is best for your health and the health of your child. Because yelling -- especially yelling for completely inappropriate reasons -- and neglect do NOT create a good environment for any child to grow up in.

My father-in-law does exactly the same things you described, both to his three children, his wife, and his grandchild. (Not to our daughter, though, because we don't allow him that much access to her.) My mother-in-law has tried for years to get him to change his parenting and to learn how to communicate. The only times he's been willing to "give it a try" are when she's threatened divorce. Well, quite frankly, that's not giving it a try; that's trying to placate her without actually following through on anything. If he'd really been willing to give it a try, she wouldn't have had to threaten divorce for him to agree to classes or counseling. I feel so bad for everyone involved in that mess, especially since now that she's really following through with the divorce, the main sentiment from her children is that she should have done so years ago -- they would have been healthier for it. A child should never have to say that about their parents.

Admittedly, my views on the matter have been colored by this experience. But I do feel that, objectively, you can tell a lot about a relationship by whether or not each partner is willing to try something new for the other. Relationships require balance, and if one partner is withholding, there's no balance.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Send him to a parenting class. Most of us rely on reading books about discipline and development, but sometimes it's not that easy to learn from a book and you need a person. There are a lot of organizations that provide parenting classes in MA, including local hospitals. My dad, who was a naturally great dad and patient anyway, still recalls the pre-natal childcare classes he took before my birth with a lot of fondness.

The issue here is that your baby-daddy doesn't know what's appropriate for a child this age. It's not just that he believes in spanking, but that he also doesn't know what to expect from a 12 month old. It's going to be an issue even if you leave the relationship, because he'll continue to be her dad. Spanking is counter-productive but it's even more counter-productive to believe that you ahve to punish a child for age-appropriate behavior.

It seems like a very stressful situation, can you have someone else over to help him with childcare while you are having surgery? Can you get childcare help from the hospital where you are going?


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

A parenting class could help.
But I would look deeper. Are these the types of values and attitudes you want somebody to have that you will share your whole life with?
Is his short temperedness and selfishness part of his already established character.
You might be able to give someone new skills, but you cannot change their character and temperament.
Unless the surgery I was about to have was life or death, There is no way I would leave my child with such a caregiver. Not for an hour, not for a hospital stay.
I would use a crisis nursery first.
If he calls her a B****, if he ignores her screaming and sits in the room with the lights off, if he treats her like a thing and not a person. I would not trust him alone wiht my child.
He may not be a bad person. But he does not have the stress management skills necessary to care for a small child.
Your baby is not too old to suffer from shaken baby syndrome.
This is not done by horrible inhumane people who intend harm. It is done by people who have no patience or coping skills who dont know what else to do and 'lose it'.
Joline


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## frowningfrog (Aug 25, 2005)

i have gotten to know him more and more and the more i see the more i dislike.
His values and selfishness are not how i want my girls to be, I am very much the opposite of him.
I have tried to show him how to comfort her and talk to her when she is "whinny" as he says..but he just doesnt listen. he thinks he is right on everything, and when you fight him on it he turns into instant baby.
I do not understand how someone can be so giving and loving and careing, but then be soo selfish and mean.
I have ready come to know that I will not be with him for much longer, but I know that our journey together is not yet over.
I will try to suggest some learning tools for him and see what happens.
Leaving him will not fix the situation. it will just cause more anxiety, for me as I wil not be able to be there when he visits her. If he does end up being a spanker who then will jump inbetween them to take the blow...id rather it be me.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

If your dd's father is abusive, a spanker or has anger management problems, and he wants to get legal visitation once you split up. You should have no problem getting it to be supervised visitation only. It does not need to come down to stay with him or he will be alone with her for visits..


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## Jade2561 (Jun 12, 2005)

Parenting classes and maybe therapy - he might have seperate issues that are causing him to have such a short temper. Personally, I could not be with someone who treated my child like this because it's not in the best interest of the child. Calling your 1 year old dd a b***h is NEVER okay.


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Get out now.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frowningfrog*
Leaving him will not fix the situation. it will just cause more anxiety, for me as I wil not be able to be there when he visits her.

Bull. You are not married. He is an emotionally abusive man. He will have no access to her unless YOU let him. No court will allow him "joint" or any other custody. Go, and go as fast as you can. I know you are having surgery, but if you were "single" and having surgery, you would not intentionally choose a caregiver that is abusive, don't choose one now. Find other arrangements.


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

oh gosh...i am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. it's awful. neither you nor your child deserve this kind of treatment. i can't begin to imagine how hard it would be, but i really feel that it's probably best for you to walk away from the relationship. it will only bring pain. your best case scenario just included allowing him to hurt you instead of hurting your daughter. that's just not good at all. please find a way to get out of the situation.


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## Wugmama (Feb 10, 2005)

I'm so sorry to hear that. Sometimes being alone is better than being with someone who causes you more worry than gives you help.

Is there anyone else who can take care of her while you have surgery? Someone above mentioned a crisis nursery. I volunteered in one twice a month for 6 months. People did bring their children there when they were having surgery or sometimes even giving birth, as well as for other things. They may not do everything the same as you would do at home, but at the one I volunteered at in Mpls, MN, the staff and volunteers were very loving toward the children. For instance at bedtime we sat in different rooms with the kids and rubbed their backs or rocked the little ones or whatever it took to get them gently to sleep.

Best of luck to you, in the short and long term. Your dd is lucky to have a mom so concerned about her.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

the only thing I can think to add here is document everything! You'll do much better in court with dates and times and descriptions of each time he behaved inappropriately


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

That sounds like a horrible situation. I suggest you visit the single parenting board here. Lots of lovely women with tons of experience they are willing to share









For the immediate- document EVERYTHING. Every name he calls her, everytime he neglects her, everytime he screams at her, everything. This WILL come in handy later. Trust me.

Also- it sounds like deep down inside you know you are not meant to be with him. You know he's bad for your DD (and any future children you have). If he thinks it's okay to spank a 1 year old what do you think he thinks an appropriate punishment for a 6 year old is? Beating the child till she's black and blue? If you stay because you believe you will be able to "step in" and keep your dd from getting hurt you are only fooling yourself. There will be a time where you are out of the house, out of the room, or just a foot or two away and he's going to hit her. This man sounds very explosive. That, combined with how little your DD is, could have devastating results when he does hit her.

Please protect her. Leave. He needs therapy, parenting classes, and some anger management classes. If he is willing to go through those and seriously change (not just say he's changed but do some seriously soul searching and make a change) then you can make a decision about what's best for your dd. But keeping her in this environment is not okay. Imagine the emotional abuse she is going through right now. Being called a b*tch at 1 is not okay. Being yelled at constantly is not okay.

As for next week please find someone else- a friend, family member, or drop in day care center- to leave her at. If he can't handle her for 20 minutes what do you think is going to happen when he has her longer?

Many







for you.


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## Tummy (Feb 24, 2005)

((((((((((Christine))))))))))
My smilies are not working due to a pop up blocker







:

I am sorry things are not hunkydory for you and yours! I do agree with documentation, but then again, you know me and my documentation enteractions with the DCF crap I have going on.

Unlike other posters here, I am not going to tell YOU TO GET OUT NOW!!!

I would like to suggest parenting classes for BOTH OF YOU. Not telling him that he is wrong and needs help, that he is abusive and needs help, that he is not a good father and needs help. Instead calling around to your local churches and/or programs. Somewhere you will find free parenting classes, or better yet even slidding scale classes. Find out all about them, not just one, find a few!
Then bring these things to him, present it to him as YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE YOUR PARENTING BETTER AND WOULD LIKE HIM TO JOIN YOU.

I know Aimee is a bit young for the Magic 1-2-3 yet, but perhaps you can rent it from the library (dunno if they have it, but check) watch theses videos with him. Make it about you and you needing him to do this with you as a couple, as two parents needing to be on the same level with your choices in parenting.

Why did you not tell me you were having serg? What for? I hope all goes well!
Best of luck honey, and let us know what happens... but look into parenting/maratal/whatever counceling for you BOTH. NOT HIM!


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
If your dd's father is abusive, a spanker or has anger management problems, and he wants to get legal visitation once you split up. You should have no problem getting it to be supervised visitation only. It does not need to come down to stay with him or he will be alone with her for visits..

that's not true-- she will have to have physical proof, ER visits, police reports, or she could be accused of parental alienation and false accusations. It could actually work against her to claim abuse and not be able to substantiate it (unless of course he admits to it). I would also be afraid to leave under these circumsatnces unless I could be guaranteed limited or no visitation with the father.

To OP







this sounds so terribly hard. Is there any other relative who can stay with baby while you have surgery??


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. I know how hard it is to leave an abusive situation. Good luck.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meowee*
that's not true-- she will have to have physical proof, ER visits, police reports, or she could be accused of parental alienation and false accusations. It could actually work against her to claim abuse and not be able to substantiate it (unless of course he admits to it). I would also be afraid to leave under these circumsatnces unless I could be guaranteed limited or no visitation with the father.

I didn't touch on this earlier but wanted to ditto this poster. Just claiming he is abusive is often not enough.

BUT- would he actually want time alone with her? Is he the kind of person to go after visitation/custody just to piss you off? Or does he not even give a darn about her and wouldn't care if he didn't see her or only saw her with you around? It sounds to me that he feels she is a nuisance (sp?) and doesn't want her around much. I don't *know* him but I guess I'm not picturing him as someone who would even want the child, let alone go to court to fight for her.

I also wanted to comment on Tummy's post...

"I would like to suggest parenting classes for BOTH OF YOU..... Then bring these things to him, present it to him as YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE YOUR PARENTING BETTER AND WOULD LIKE HIM TO JOIN YOU.... look into parenting/maratal/whatever counceling for you BOTH. NOT HIM!"

Can I ask why you think she should do this? I know I may be WAY off base with this but why should she lie to him and tell him that this is for her, she just wants his support, or whatever? It's not. It's pretty obvious in her post that she is not the explosive, abusive (emotionally and heading toward physically), angry parent. He is and he needs the help. The first step to solving the problem is admitting you have one, right? If he's not willing to admit there is something wrong with what he's doing then the chances of him changing is not good. I don't see why she should have to *trick* him into going to classes. He should want to do it, or she and the baby need to get out.

But, I am a single mama so what do I know about marital issues? :LOL


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

At first, when I read your post, I thought "troll" because it seemed so...awful and wacky for one of the first posts. But then I looked at your other postings.

"I said whats going on why is she screaming and your there he says she ws being a little bitch so i left her there, then he gets up and goes into our bdrm and shuts the door."

This is not someone who should be spending time with children. PERIOD. Much less a baby. I would figure out what you have to do to leave him. This is not something a parenting class will fix. Babies aren't capable of being "bitches" and anyone who thinks they are is not going to be changed by a parenting class.


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## frowningfrog (Aug 25, 2005)

Ok for the record,,..
He has not ever hit me or the baby and would never hit to hurt, i know that for a fact.
I simply said that he agrees with spanking not me.

Yes i agree he should not refer to her as a bitch, but i do not see that as abusive behavior. did he throw her onto the flooor ...nooooo....did he leave her in the room alone to scream and cry ..noooooooo, he knew that had he interacted with her trying to console her he wouldnt get result cause she was tired and only wanted me, and he could do nothing to help her and i even know that, so instead of getting all bent and upset him and her more he moved away from the situation and Im sorry but i would have done the same thing, only not refer to her as a bitch when asked what was going on.
the problem with him is this and i am realizing now that i did not explain this all to well and i see now how it looks.
He hasnt the tools to deal wit ha small child who cannot communicate except for whinning, he hates whinning as do i. it drives me crazy as well especially when your trying to get things done and cannot stop to pick her up at that moment. The difference between he and i is that i can deal he cannot...
Beleve me if there was any danger here I would have been gone a yr ago.
Been there done that and no man will ever put his hands on me or my family again(no it wasnt him)
My reasons for wanting to leave him far outweigh any chance of abuse cause there simply isnt any and will never be.
Please people i get mad at him just as much and yell and scream at him as well, amd my 9 yr old my gosh i have yelled at her many times ...
I am having a problem with him learnig to be calm and to stop raising his voice to not just us to everyone.
the way you are all responding is like we are in danger daily amnd being hit and yelled at ..when actuallity he is a great father and partner, he has a bad day once a week and isnt to happy when he gets home and the baby wants him hes trying to talk to me and she whinning at his feet to be picked up...who hasnt gotten mad and yelled at something like that sorry but maybe ya'll wont admit it but im, sure that has happened to you or someone you know ...
my reason for wanting to mve on have nothing to do with how his attitude is at times ....we do not work he an i do things very differently.
so if you have no other comment then leave that nasty abuser olease i will nor read it so do not bother...
I am asking for avdice on things i could do to helo him understand that she does not undertstand him, he thinks she does and thats the problem, you tell her no ans she thinks you playing a game come ya'll you know this...
he loves this little girl and has ben waiting for her for a lifetime he comforts her better then me at times when she fallss down or bumps her head, I couldnever look at him in the light you are all projecting of him. and If you knew him youd know this as well. He is a very careking and loving person to his family and friends he will take the shirt off his back of you and truely has. he has gone with out food cause someone needed the last dollar he had in his pocket....
perhaps i should have told you all these thinsg before i said he called refered to her in the name then you would not have these judgments of him..

Thank you to thoise who did not ,make a snap judgement and gave me some true advice .. i will try these parenting classes if he doesnt want to go them so be it.,..it will make me better parent...






















P.S.
aside form all that he can still be very selfish and a jerk at times.


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## BabyBumblebee (Mar 16, 2005)

mama

I know that this is very much not want you want to hear, and I've really hesitated to post but here are my thoughts.

No-one is saying that you, or your partner have to be perfect parents. We all make mistakes - and we're all here to try and learn how to become better...I think that's why you've posted for advice.

There are probably lots of really good reasons to love and value your partner. It is entirely possible that he *is* a very kind and generous person, whilst at the same time having the potential to be verbally and physically abusive; this is something I have experienced. Whether or not he would 'hit to hurt' is not really the issue: you have stated that you do not believe in spanking, and he says that he does, and that he *will* spank. If you leave your dk's in his care you are agreeing to his doing as he wants whilst you are out of the picture - the example that you gave of him saying that your dd was being a 'b**ch' strikes me as one heck of a warning for what might be possible in the future.

I think parenting classes are a great idea; I'm also thinking that he is probably a good candidate for anger management too. Only you can say whether you feel that he is the right partner for you, but I would strongly urge you to keep a record of things, just in case you decide that the relationship is not working. Listen to your gut mama - you know what the true situation is.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

I am going to try and say this as gently as I can..... you need to take a good, hard, long look at this situation. If you read these same things that you are posting on here what would you advise them to do? Just a few quotes from you...

"He already yells at our 1 yr old because she whines to get you to listen and *he cant handle it*."

"*I do not want to leave him alone with her*, he have zero patience."

"he says she ws being a little bitch so i left her there"

"*This is a terrible situation*."

"when it comes to her being fussy forget it *he goes crazy and yells at her.*"

"When i say something about it *i get yelled at* to so I have just held my breath."

"*I have considered leaving him and most likely will end up that way*"

"i have gotten to know him more and more and *the more i see the more i dislike*. His values and selfishness are not how i want my girls to be, I am very much the opposite of him."

"I have ready come to know that *I will not be with him for much longer*"

"Leaving him will not fix the situation. it will just cause more anxiety, for me as I wil not be able to be there when he visits her. If he does end up being a spanker *who then will jump inbetween them to take the blow...id rather it be me*."

Wake up. He is abusing you (at least emotionally) and he is abusing your daughter (emotionally and very close to physically). You already stated you are going to leave him. Why wait? (other than the surgery reason) Are you honestly waiting until things get worse?

"who hasnt gotten mad and yelled at something like that sorry but maybe ya'll wont admit it but im, sure that has happened to you or someone you know ..."

I have never and would never call my child a bitch. Period. I suggest serious parenting classes.

"you tell her no ans she thinks you playing a game come ya'll you know this..."

That's because she's a baby. Not a bitch, but a BABY.

Best of luck to you and your children.


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## CerridwenLorelei (Aug 28, 2002)

to watch the kids while you recover and does your insurance cover VNA? Or home health aides? If you are worried about the surgery thing and leaving them in his care these might be good options for you


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

People who abuse children, even babies. Do not hit to hurt. Or even hit to kill.
They hitor shake because they have run out of patience and they have anger control issues.
They hit because when a baby continues to cry they lose control over themselves and shake or hit or do anythign to shut the child up.
After the fact we may call them evil or demons or whatever for what they did.
But the fact is that most of them are just normal human beings who cannot control their anger and rage and would never hurt their child if they could help it.
If this man gets so angry he doesnt know what to do.
If he feels anger and frustration at your dd's cry rather than a immediate urge to help. This is a man who should not be left alone with a baby for her safety.
Not because he is a bad guy. Not because he wants to hurt the child.
But because when put in a situation of extreme stress can you really guarantee he would not hurt her without meaning to?
Are you willing to bet her life on it?


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
People who abuse children, even babies. Do not hit to hurt. Or even hit to kill.
They hitor shake because they have run out of patience and they have anger control issues.
They hit because when a baby continues to cry they lose control over themselves and shake or hit or do anythign to shut the child up.
After the fact we may call them evil or demons or whatever for what they did.
But the fact is that most of them are just normal human beings who cannot control their anger and rage and would never hurt their child if they could help it.
If this man gets so angry he doesnt know what to do.
If he feels anger and frustration at your dd's cry rather than a immediate urge to help. This is a man who should not be left alone with a baby for her safety.
Not because he is a bad guy. Not because he wants to hurt the child.
But because when put in a situation of extreme stress can you really guarantee he would not hurt her without meaning to?
Are you willing to bet her life on it?
















I was beginning to think I was the only one who "got it". Sorry, but this whole thing screams to be a train wreck waiting to happen.


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## Danielsmom (Jul 19, 2004)

WE all have stress in our lives. Some more than others. But to the op, it sounds like you are excusing your partner's behavior. Saying that he has no patience or he runs out of patience or that yelling is the way of communication in the house. This isn't a good way to live. It sounds like a lot of what went on when I was a kid.

It is very hard to break the cycle of yelling and lack of impulse/anger control.

I would really suggest parenting classes or a wonderful book that can help, When Anger Hurts Your Kids. This book can really help you recognize triggers to anger, understand typical developmental stages of kids, and most importantly, learn alternatives to angry outbursts. But the book has to be read and the exercises done for it to be effective.


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## Delphiki (Dec 13, 2004)

I had surgery recently so please listen to me. I allowed my boyfriend (at the time) to take care of me and my son. He was not abusive but he couldn't handle it and I was left to care for DS 30 hours after surgery.

It was a tense and stressful situation. Please do not let him watch that baby after surgery. Find someone- anyone who will be respectful.

I am a single mom and I realize it may not be easy to find someone but it's a h*ll of a lot easier to find someone than to be nearly passing out in pain trying to meet your child's needs because your SO can't be bothered or "handle it."


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## Tummy (Feb 24, 2005)

I have one question for all of you...

Not that I am defending her partner, and the actions he has thus far shown, but...

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF A MOTHER NEEDED HELP?

A MOTHER WHO SNAPED AT THE FACT THAT SHE DID NOT *KNOW* HOW TO DEAL WITH HER BABY ON THE BABYS LEVEL?

WHAT WOULD YOUR ADVICE BE TO THAT MOTHER, turn the table around, imagine this man being a new mother.

Lets remember, babies are not brought into this world with owners manuals that teach you HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM, how to comfort them, how to handle the everyday stress of a baby!

WOULD YOU STILL SAY THAT THAT MOTHER SHOULD HAVE HER CHILD TAKEN AWAY FROM HER JUST FOR THE SHEER FACT SHE DOES NOT HAVE THE COPING SKILLS ?

Not all parents are perfect, that is agreed. It is a learning process in its own.
We are not *taught* how to raise our children, we teach what we have previously learned.
It sounds to me that this mother needs support in how to help her partner in being a parent, not taking his parenting rights away from him.

Again, would you give this exact same advise to a man who posted about his partner? or would you offer helping advise to this man as to how to help his partner to be a better mother?

Ponder that!


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

I did offer advice- get into counseling, parenting classes, and anger management classes. I would say that to anyone who treated a baby like that. That is unacceptable, whether it be mom, dad, uncle, Grandma, whoever. Anyone who calls a 1 year old aweful names and yells at them as much as this man aparently does needs help. I hope he gets it before it gets even further out of hand.

If this was a man posting this about his wife you can bet I would tell him she needs counseling, parenting classes, and anger management classes. If she refused to take those and WANTED TO CHANGE then yes, I would encourage him to take that baby to a safe place (obviously not kidnap the baby, I wouldn't suggest that to anyone unless the babies life was in great immediate danger).


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

If a man was posting this here, I would have the same advise - someone with that little anger management skills and patience has no business caring for a baby.

It doesn't sound like her boyfriend in any way WANTS to be a dad or a better parent. And if a woman showed no interest in being a mother to her daughter, whereas the dad did and was concerned about it, I would offer the same advice.

You don't marry a person who handles a small child that way, no matter what your gender.

And given Steph's nice grouping of quotings, what would you say?


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## Delphiki (Dec 13, 2004)

Honestly- I would tell them if they cannot take care of a child without being abusive (calling a baby a "bitch" is abusive in my book) I would tell them they need a break.

I still don't think someone who she has voiced concerns about should be depended on to take care of her baby!


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

I also would give the same advice regarding a mom.
Unfortunately statistically it is the partners (whether they are the father or not of the baby) of the mother who is most likely to cause serious harm to a child.


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tummy*
Again, would you give this exact same advise to a man who posted about his partner? or would you offer helping advise to this man as to how to help his partner to be a better mother?

Yes I would. Especially if they were getting ready to leave their 1 yo alone in the abusive parents care to go and have surgery.

That doesn't really matter anyway, because the OP is apparently fine with the situation.
Unfortunately there are a lot of women out there who are willing to let misogynists raise thier children. There is more to this than lack of parenting skills.


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## Tummy (Feb 24, 2005)

I am sorry this has gotten out of hand.

This mother has asked for advise as to how to help her partner be a better parent, NOT HOW TO LEAVE HIM.

She did not aks DO YOU THINK WE ARE BEING ABUSED. There is always three sided to every story!

I know this mother, I have known her for 2 years. She is under a lot of stress herself, a few immediate medical issues.

I want her to be HAPPY with her family. Yes 'Steph' may have been good at quoting things, and on many issues I DO AGREE WITH HER!!!

I believe that all people deserve the benifit of the doubt. All people should be given the opportunity to become better parents.
I do not remember reading any "quotes" or sentences from Christine that said her partner has REFUSED TO BE A BETTER FATHER.
As I have said before, you live what you learn, you teach what you have been taught,
I am in 100% agreeance (sp) with they *BOTH* need counceling as partners, parents and as a family whole!

Why this thread had to be turned into a YOUR PARTNER IS ABUSING YOU, GET OUT NOW, WAKE UP, ect..... is beyond me, she was asking for HELP AND ADVISE as to HELP HER PARTNER!!!

Instead of running a MDC mother away with our rude comments and attackes on how she should be leaving this "abusive" man......
how about we GIVE HER ADVISE ON HOW TO BETTER HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER PARTNER AND FAMILY AS A WHOLE??
(which I do believe is what her origional post was about!!!!!!)

I am not one for staying in an abusive relationship. I have been there and done that. It is a hard choice to leave someone who is your sole provider, and is supose to love you. Another thread in itself!

I love this person, ((((Christine)))) and I would like to again remind her of what my first post was....

Try to get him to go to counceling WITH YOU, not for him, but for both of you. Dont make it all about what he has done wrong, how he is not doing it right. That will just make it more difficult.
Honestly though Chris... If htis does not get you anywhere or he absolutely refuses to make any changes, perhaps you should do some serious soul searching!

I love you honey, please come back to MDC, dont let a few ppl run you away. There are so many wonderful people on here, please come back hon!


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Quote:

GIVE HER ADVISE ON HOW TO BETTER HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER PARTNER AND FAMILY AS A WHOLE??
(which I do believe is what her origional post was about!!!!!!)
In our defense, I would like to say that by stating that she pretty much knew she wouldnt be with him long term anyway, we WERE following her request by encouraging her to do what she has already said she was considering.
It is pointless to encourage someone to save their relationship when they have already said it is not worth saving. j
Perhaps she did not really mean those things. But because she did say them, I think that the advice she got here was right in line with what she was asking for, even if the answers were not what she wanted to hear.


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tummy*
I do not remember reading any "quotes" or sentences from Christine that said her partner has REFUSED TO BE A BETTER FATHER.

Actually, yes in her OP she referred to him as a "stubborn old man who refuses to change" in regards to his desire to spank this child.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tummy*
she was asking for HELP AND ADVISE as to HELP HER PARTNER!!!

Actually, her OP did not ask for help for her partner at all.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tummy*
how about we GIVE HER ADVISE ON HOW TO BETTER HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER PARTNER AND FAMILY AS A WHOLE??
(which I do believe is what her origional post was about!!!!!!)

Again, that isn't what her OP asked. But anyway..there are lots of oppinions in the world, and lots of differnt oppinions here. MY OPPINION is that life without someone like this is way better than with. I can't think of any good reason why anyone should have to live walking on eggshells in there own home, which is basically what she described. I see no joy in that personally, and I'm all about having a joyful life.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tummy*
There is always three sided to every story!

There isn't a story in this world that could justify referring to your infant daughter as a bitch.
I know we "all have our moments" etc...but from the OP, this sounds like a daily way of life, not "one bad moment"

I'm not here to say MY way is the ONLY way. I'm presenting my oppinion, based on what the thread started presented. That's what these boards are about. You may not see saying "GET OUT NOW" as support, but there are women that would. Especially women who say they were on the way to making that decision themselves, as the OP did.


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## CerridwenLorelei (Aug 28, 2002)

"I know this mother, I have known her for 2 years. She is under a lot of stress herself, a few immediate medical issues"

Could you keep the kids while she recovers from surgery?


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## Tummy (Feb 24, 2005)

I do agree with many of you. I understand what she has herself said.

No I do not live near her, she is in MA and I in Fl. I so wish I was near to help her through this HORRIFIC TIME IN HER LIFE.









Without going into her medical problems.... she NEEDS SUPPORT! that is all I can say, and all that should be said right now.

I introduced this woman to MDC, as I have with a few other friends of mine. I know that her situation is a hard one at this time. I do NOT AGREE with anyone calling a baby a "bitch", I will step out there right now and be the one to admit that I myself have made comments (when my child was being very very cranky) that she was "being a bitch like her mommy." I know not the same text as how he said it. I was not there, I do not know that he was calling the baby a "bitch" and actually thinking she is a "bitch" at the same time. IDK.

I just know she is ready to leave MDC and never return, I do not want this to happen. She is a good mother, cares for her family greately and I want her her. I know this perhaps was just a bad thread with bad choices of words on her part. Perhaps this thread is what she needs to see to realize that perhaps you all are right. I am cannot tell her to "LEAVE HIM" knowing her medical condition at this time.... again she NEEDS SUPPORT RIGHT NOW!

I love this person, and care for her deeply!!!

I just do not want her to leave MDC cause we are such beautiful wonderful people here.









I want the best for her, and wish her nothing less.

*I LOVE YOU CHRISTINE!!!!!*
Please come back to MDC.... seek the help and advise you need, right now is NOT THE TIME to push any advise away..

Casey!


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## CerridwenLorelei (Aug 28, 2002)

Without going into her medical problems.... she NEEDS SUPPORT! that is all I can say, and all that should be said right now

I understand that. I am not in MA so I don't know other than googling for the VNA and home health aides and if she has ins to contact them for hha
I had one too late with one of my surgeries.
Sometimes you can also find housewifes who do services like this during school hours to help out/earn money

I know all too well about medical issues and child care


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## frowningfrog (Aug 25, 2005)

Ok ,....
can i say a few things now since your all speaking bout my life here.....

CASEY YOU KNOW I LOVE YA BABE AND YOU ARE GREAT AND THE BEST FRIEND EVER....









I never said that I dont agree with any of you on this matter ..what i disagree on is there is No Abuse here .... I in no way shape or form like i said condone any of his behavior WHATSOEVER ..
I made a huge mistake in asking for advice on this and an even bigger one being a extremely shy person even on the computer and was very nervous writing the thread I did not explain this correctly, as it ended up coming out in a vent...,and in the wrong manner it did.
To whoever thinks this is everyday life for me you couldnt be more wrong..
I do not walk on eggshells in my home EVER.
And the gods may help that person who makes me feel that way...








I am not making excuses for anyone ..he is in the wrong and i dont need any of you to tell me that ....thats not what i asked for ...

This is appalling to me that this thread has gotten out of control as it did ...
all you have to do is say your peace and MOVE ON ...but you have to keep coming back at it like you are right and I am wrong..and I am horrible for not leaving right away...
I said I have doubt s that I will remain here forever...of corse ...we are different people so different i havent a clue what brought us together in the 1st place.....
I am in no danger and my child is in no danger,
as far as surgery goes I need it its critical that i have it so no i will not be canceling it ...and no we cannot afford to have someone come in and help us and my insurance wont pay for it and my family can all go suck an egg....
And its only day surgery I will be home ...and aint no chance on him leaving me to care for her cause he lives here and has no money for hotel and no family here so where is he gonna go running off to and leave me here to fend for myself ...oh no friends either...
I would never talk to any of you that this way or about you this way ...if one of you had this trouble i wouldnt be as judgemental as some of you have been, I have gotte nsome really good advice here and you can be sure that i will l follow up on it...


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## CerridwenLorelei (Aug 28, 2002)

not lower myself to the nastiness herein


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frowningfrog*
I do not believe in spanking yet my fiance does and says he will. Well I have to say no way. What am I supposed to do he is a stubborn old man and wil never change. He already yells at our 1 yr old because she whines to get you to listen and he cant handle it. what else is she supposed to do to get our attention I say , she cant talk. Well he wont have it. I do not want to leave him alone with her, he have zero patience. ex: I went to the store to get something for the baby cause he was to lazy to go, so i left the baby with him..i wasnt even gone 20 minutes i come back he is in the bdrm with her shes screaming and he is laying down on the bed with the lights off. I said whats going on why is she screaming and your there he says she ws being a little bitch so i left her there, then he gets up and goes into our bdrm and shuts the door.
What am I to do? This is a terrible situation. I am the one that does all the parenting he doesnt do anything. I am lucky to get him to play with her so i can shower,usually i put her for a nap. He is good with her he plays well and she just adores him and him her but when it comes to her being fussy forget it he goes crazy and yells at her. He comes home from work, she gets all excited and puts her arms up and goes ehh ehhh thats means pick me up lol..he gets all crazied by it and yells wait a minute i have to change geezz..like she understood him. When i say something about it i get yelled at to so I have just held my breath.
What should I do about this unwelcome behavior. I have considered leaving him and most likely will end up that way but its desperation now I am having surgery next week and he will be 100% in charge of her.....
I do not want my child afraid of her father and his loud mouth, and the possiblity of spankings in the future.



















good luck to you, and your daughter.


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## babybugmama (Apr 7, 2003)

I see your thread derailed somewhat, but thought I would try to respond. First though how are you feeling? And when is your surgery? You may have posted that, but I missed it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frowningfrog*
I do not believe in spanking yet my fiance does and says he will. Well I have to say no way. What am I supposed to do he is a stubborn old man and wil never change.

This may be the venting part you were talking about, because while you ask for suggestions to help your partner to see things differently, this sounds like he is unable/unwilling. My partner has certain beliefs that I just do NOT agree with, but I also understand I cannot change what he believes. Only he can do that. And certain ones I realize are not going to change. But these thoughts do not have to do with my child so I can let them go. I think you have to ask yourself...will he consider alternatives or not. If not can you accept a partner who spanks?

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frowningfrog*
He already yells at our 1 yr old because she whines to get you to listen and he cant handle it. what else is she supposed to do to get our attention I say , she cant talk.

A very good point that the one year old can't talk and won't be able to eloquently express her needs for quite some time. Again, is he able to recognize that his expectations are too high? One time I asked dh to ask dd to do something because he was right by her. Well he does this with this booming voice that paralyzed all of us. He looked at me immediately with an oops on his face. I just said, ya know...you just had to ask and she would've done it. He saw immediately that that intensity of directions was unneccesary. Is your partner able to do that or does he think this is what is neccessary? If he is flexible here you may talk about proximity cues, or teaching her "show me" so that she can lead you to what she wants. You may also consider teaching her sign language. I did this somewhat with dd...basic signs though - more, eat, milk, up, down.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frowningfrog*
Well he wont have it. I do not want to leave him alone with her, he have zero patience. ex: I went to the store to get something for the baby cause he was to lazy to go, so i left the baby with him..i wasnt even gone 20 minutes i come back he is in the bdrm with her shes screaming and he is laying down on the bed with the lights off. I said whats going on why is she screaming and your there he says she ws being a little bitch so i left her there, then he gets up and goes into our bdrm and shuts the door.

Okay we all agree not the best wording on his part. But, does he struggle with communicating his own feelings? Does he feel overwhelmed, inept, unable to parent a one year old? Does he run out of ideas almost immediately on how to handle her when she's losing it? In that moment he sounds like he was very frustrated. My response would probably be something like, she can certainly be a handful at times, but I don't think calling her a profanity is helpful. I think I would try to help him (if he's open to this) to see alternatives to handling her.

I do think help is needed. Parenting will continue to become more challenging and frustrating. I found I could handle the younger part okay, but as dd gets older I've had to really work on my own temper. Regardless of the whose fault it is, by going in to see a therapist together to get help you give a united front. A therapist will be able to see where the needs lie and work in a gentle fashion to help your partner. The therapist may even be able to see where you faciliate the behavior...I'm not saying that you do, but it's just an example. But this is all, IF he is willing to seek help.

Good luck and take care during your surgery.


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## IncaMama (Jun 23, 2004)

ok...so...what *is* your question? what *do* you want advice on that will not feel to you like attacking? you explained behavior from your DP that would be unacceptable to me from the father of my children. not letting it happen anymore is my answer. by doing what? whatever it takes. i am not trying to be snarky here, but i really don't know what kind of response you want to hear. you were very specific in your original post and got some very specific responses. counseling for yourself, counseling for him, get out now, find other help, use friends, use home health care, and none of them are acceptable to you. i truly don't understand what it is that you expected to hear. i'm sorry that you are in this situation, you don't deserve it. and neither does your child. i hope you find a solution that seems doable to you, although i'm not sure if you're going to get it from here...i can't think of anything else to suggest that hasn't already been suggested.

good luck...


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

He tells you that your baby is being a "bitch" and you don't think that there is a posibility of abuse going on? What do you think he does and says to her while you are not around? People tend to be better behaved not worse behaved towards their children when someone who is critical about their parenting is around.


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## PikkuMyy (Mar 26, 2004)

This situation seems to happen a lot around here - mamas are upset with various aspects of their DP's behavior but instead of telling us the whole picture, they give us a one-sided very very negative rant and then ask for advice and opinions, and then are upset and nasty at the replies.

What else are we to do and how else are we to reply? Did you go back and read your OP and see how awful it sounds? If you feel there is more to it than you've explained, by all means tell us more so that we can see the broader picture you feel exists.

Until then, how else do you expect us to give advice that's "helpful" in your opinion?

(I'm not being snarky, but it really is unfair to post such a negative OP and then get upset when we respond accordingly.)


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