# how has long-term sleep deprivation changed you?



## mamacolleen (Dec 16, 2009)

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My DD is 11+ months and I haven't had a decent night's sleep since she was born. (maybe 3 nights in that time where she's miraculously slept a 6-7 hour stretch, but it's usually up every 1-3 hours all night long). We co-sleep, she latches on herself sometimes, sometimes I wake up too, sometimes I'm able to just drift back off to sleep, etc. Before I went back to work at 9.5 months, I usually napped for at least one of her (short) naps. And often DH was able to take her for 1-2 hours in the AM for 3-4 days a week. Now that I WOHM (doing 12 hour shifts at the hospital where downtime is nearly non-existent) I rarely get a nap in anymore.

I'm not looking to nightwean for at least another couple months and I know that this is all normal baby sleep patterns, etc. But I just wonder, when she finally is consistently sleeping longer periods at night and allowing me to actually get some uninterrupted sleep (whenever that may be), how long does it take to feel "normal" again? For those BTDT mamas, did the long-term sleep deprivation make you a different person even when it was over?

I just feel so in a fog most of the time and it's challenging to carry on most adult conversations. Does this go away? And if it does, how long roughly until the fog lifts once baby is sleeping better? I just find that not sleeping well has become such a major part of my life right now that I can't really envision a life without it.... and I can't really remember who I was when I wasn't so sleep deprived. Does this make sense? Oh, and I'm curious to know is there's a difference in response on whether you WOHM full-time or are a SAHM.


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## sammymama (Jun 20, 2010)

Hiya,
I am totally struggling with this issue/feelings these days! My baby girl is 10 months old and I have gotten a 3-4 hour stretch of sleep maybe a dozen times since she's arrived. Usually she is stirring/nursing every 30 - 90 min. I don't want to night wean any time soon (don't know that that would solve the wakings, anyway), and I'm right there with you about meeting her needs and understanding this is normal, etc... BUT I, too, am in a haze the majority of the time, and can't imagine feeling this way for another year plus. I am a SAHM and feel guilty talking to most people about being this tired all the time, especially my working-mom friends. However, my baby girl will only sleep with me holding her - as in holding sitting upright or in her sling, she will not sleep with me laying down with her so I don't get any nap options that way...

So since we're in the same boat I don't have much to offer except empathy.







But I will curious what other mamas write back on this topic.

The one thing my mom friends with older babies always tell me is the old 'this too shall pass' - I rely on that most days to get me thru!


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## Erin22 (Mar 16, 2004)

I am actually having a really hard time due to sleep deprivation. My 11 month old wakes up every 2 hours. She sleeps with me and I am able to get her back to sleep pretty quickly but I have not slept for more than 2 hours in a row since she was born. When she was around 5 months my vision started getting all weird. I was seeing double (visual ghosting), tv static (visual snow) on the walls, after images, and other fun stuff. I didn't know what was going on at first and got all kinds of tests done, but nothing was wrong. That left the possibility of some scary stuff. My doctor was finally able to get my insurance to cover an MRI which thankfully was normal. I met with a neurologist who thinks that my vision problems are from sleep deprivation, and that we won't know if it will go away until I get some sleep. It really sucks. I see this stuff all the time and I am worried that I will be like this forever.


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## sundaya (Jan 26, 2010)

It does get better! You are in the worst of it. My DD started sleeping 6-7 hours at a stretch, and then another 3-5 hours, around 13/14 months old, with the exception of teething. Now, at 18 months, we'll have a few bad nights here and there, and then a new tooth pops through, and then she's back to sleeping again. I can tell you how it works for me, although probably everyone is different. The first night I get sleep, I feel awful the next day. It's like I've been going on vapors for so long that I just collapse once I've slept. The level of fatigue is actually worse than not getting sleep at all. The day after that, I feel great. By about the third or fourth day, I feel totally normal.
I did some light encouragement toward night weaning around 13 months, but that was about it.
I just had to tell you all that it does get better. Hang in there!


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

I WOH. I have a 4 1/2 year old who was up 3 - 4 times a night until bout a year. I went back to work at 3 months.

I swore I would never have another child because the chronic sleep deprivation. I was sad all the time, incredibly quick to anger, and had panic attacks about losing my job because I was obviously not meeting expectations. And I caught every cold that came around.

Things got a lot better a few months after I startd getting full nights of sleep. When I was consistently sleeping 8 hours for about six months, things became SO much easier.

And now I have a 4 month old. And I cry a lot. And, again, I am sad, very quick to anger, and get sick all the time. And I worry more about losing my job.

I make it through each day and each night because I do know that at some point in the future I WILL sleep again. That is actually the difference this time around - I *know* there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere.

But this is it. We are done.


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## crabbyowl (May 6, 2008)

I have a 20-month-old who still almost never sleeps for more than 2.5 hours at a time, usually 1.5-2, and it's definitely affected me. My thoughts aren't as clear, and I definitely have more trouble forming a logical argument when in conversations. (I'm an introvert, so I wasn't even all that good at it to begin with!







) I'm not a morning person, so getting up early after not nearly enough sleep is the hardest part of being a parent.

Physically, the day after getting a little more sleep is definitely hardest. The biggest differences I've noticed after only sleeping a little better is that my chest feels more open (I can breathe a bit easier) and my shoulders feel lighter, if that makes any sense.

I just look forward to when she finally starts sleeping again. The good news is that she's so much fun during the day.


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## penstamon (Nov 6, 2008)

Oh, what a question- I have pondered this myself many times. I too have constant brain fog, feel depressed, can't carry on intelligent conversations, can't focus mentally, just get by day to day, feel withdrawn, get sick often, etc. etc. It is hard on me too because I had just finished grad school while pg and I can't remember a good part of my research







and am behind on the literature- as in years behind














.

I do notice that I feel worse the day after we have a good night and I am slowly seeing some changes as things get ever so slightly better. DH has been able to sleep more and his temper has gotten better and our marriage is growing stronger. I am able to stick to an exercise plan now and feel a world better from it. We force ourselves to keep up a social life even if it means a night or two or even less sleep because it makes us remember who we are/were before sleep deprivation. We also force ourselves to do the things we used to love (camping, hiking, canoeing, traveling, etc) that we haven't done this past year because we realized that it won't make sleep any worse but it will make us feel better. I am very slowly getting back into my field (I did teach last year but it was mostly online) and I feel good about it- especially feeling like I have a functioning brain- although I am not quite there yet.

I have gathered from other mamas that things do eventually get back to normal and very few actually remember how bad it really was years later. This gives me hope. I feel like we will all be superheros when we finally get sleep because it is amazing what we can do without a year or more if sleep!


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## mamacolleen (Dec 16, 2009)

Thanks for all your thoughts. It means a lot to me to hear other mamas in the same boat and to know I'm not the only one going through this. I have other mama friends IRL who are going through the same sleeping stuff with their babes too but for some reason we don't seem to talk about the effect on US. We all seem to just laugh about it even though it's really not that funny.... maybe the alternative is too dreadful!

It's good to hear from some of you that it does get better once you get more sleep on a regular basis. It's hard to believe some days that I will feel better, it's just been going on for so long. I start to wonder too sometimes whether my commitment to being a "good" night-time parent negatively impacts my ability to be a "good" day-time parent. Who knows. I do try to tell myself daily though that I am a tough person for having got through the last year on such little sleep and that really it means that I can do ANYTHING. I think that's an important lesson. I think part of me doesn't want to forget the experience of sleep deprivation because it's become a part of who I am. Make sense?

pentasmon- I envy that you're finished grad school! I got 1/2 way through before DD arrived and have to go back in september - I've been putting it off for the last year. I tried to take a course this summer but had to drop it because I could not figure out how to actually absorb any information. I have no idea what I'm going to do if DD is not sleeping any better come september....


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

You used get used to it. I only notice the fog when DS has a string of bad nights, like for the past month.







A "good" night is every 1-3 hours, a bad one is every 30 minutes all night long. For the record I haven't STTN in 8 years, yes you read that right. I haven't had what most people would consider a decent night's sleep during that time either, I 've had a night nurser or been very pg (even worse for me then a night nurser because of horrid insomia) that entire time. I've rarely taken a nap since my 2nd was born, I WAHM part time, and have 3 kids so naps for me do not exist. On a night where DS sleeps a good chunk of time, 3 hours then I actually struggle to go to sleep, my body is like, that was awesome, I am ready to face the day now! This is my normal.







I do most of my work at night, have taken some classes here and there, I have been studying this year for the IBCLC exam, and am going to start grad school late this year. I remember being more tired when I had only one kid, now maybe since there is no option to be exhausted, you just learn to push past it. All of my kids still wake up at night for various reasons so I do take what sleep I can get, which is what I am going to do now!


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## feminist~mama (Mar 6, 2002)

My DD is only a month old and I hadn't even considered that lack of sleep might actually be affecting me. I *just* had a conversation with DP tonight about how I don't feel depressed, just really raw emotionally and unable to filter/ keep it together in any normal way. I'm prone to crying over nothing and might be a tad irrational/ reactionary at times- lol.

Uh. Lack of sleep, eh?


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## sarah1122 (Sep 5, 2008)

Just chiming in....

I've generally had (in the best of times) 3-4 hour stretches of sleep (about 8 hours of broken sleep a night total) for the last two years. I find that if I can consistently get at least one 4 hour stretch a night that I feel pretty good the next day.

I've just come to accept that I have an altered perception of reality and that's just the way my life is right now...and it took me about a year to really get comfortable with that and "move on" from complaining about being exhausted all the time. And I complained *a lot*.

Yes, I get sick more. Yes, I leave the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the freezer. No , I can't carry on any type of complicated conversation and my short term memory is totally shot. I feel like this fog has something to do with sleep deprivation, but that a HUGE part of it also has to do with the mind-altering chemicals that breastfeeding creates.

I think we need to see this special time not so much as being in a fog, or being "deprived", but as having the opportunity to develop different parts of ourselves. The ambitious, rational, intellectual parts (that our culture values SO HIGHLY) take a back-seat for awhile and the quiet, intuitive, introspective, grounded parts of ourselves get to come to the fore-front.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I'm past it all now (kids are 7 and 10) but those days and nights are seared into my memory as perhaps the most nightmarish period of my life.

Sahm. How sleep deprivation changed me? I was grumpier, quicker to snap at those I loved, generally unmotivated, and frequently despairing. I couldn't imagine ever wanting sex again, which was awfully depressing. I cursed a lot (very out of character for me) and found myself so lulled by driving that I'd think about how easy it would be to drift into oncoming traffic. Sure, I'd be dead. But I wouldn't be tired anymore.

It is truly amazing how all of that disappeared when my kids started sleeping.


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## ThinkGlobalMama (Nov 28, 2009)

"I think we need to see this special time not so much as being in a fog, or being "deprived", but as having the opportunity to develop different parts of ourselves. The ambitious, rational, intellectual parts (that our culture values SO HIGHLY) take a back-seat for awhile and the quiet, intuitive, introspective, grounded parts of ourselves get to come to the fore-front."[/QUOTE]

This really spoke to me. Thanks.

I LOVE this thread!! I feel so validated and normal for the first time in months!! My son is 11+ months and I too, like all of you, have been in some sort of a fog the entire time. It doesn't help that I get comments all the time from other well-meaning friends that "shouldn't he be sleeping through the night now?" and "You still nurse him how many times a night?!" Grrr... But look at what super-women you/we all are! Finishing grad school, working, taking care of 3 little ones! Jeez. We are amazing. I'm a WOHM 20 hours a week and do a child care exchange the other 2 days a week so another mommy can work too.

The feminist-advocate-hell-raiser part of me wants to write a book on why it is that society thinks women are not as smart/capable/ambitious etc...Uh, we will be when we get some sleep, thanks! And I know I'm doing the right thing with our son because whenever there is a change in schedule or something new happens (like daddy home from deployment) he wakes up more, nurses more and generally just needs security. Anyway, my 70 year old globe-trotting Aunt always says, "You can sleep when you are dead honey!" I love that...


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sarah1122* 
I think we need to see this special time not so much as being in a fog, or being "deprived", but as having the opportunity to develop different parts of ourselves. The ambitious, rational, intellectual parts (that our culture values SO HIGHLY) take a back-seat for awhile and the quiet, intuitive, introspective, grounded parts of ourselves get to come to the fore-front.

I guess it was different for everyone. I found it impossible to be intuitive, introspective or grounded while sleep-deprived. I need a good night's sleep to pull off those things.


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## lalemma (Apr 21, 2009)

We just read NURTURESHOCK. One of the chapters is about sleep deprivation, specifically in children. But it really reinforced my sense that sleep is important for adults, too. If we don't get enough of it, it hurts us in very real ways. (How sleepy do you have to be before it's unsafe to drive, you know?)

My guy is now an excellent sleeper (we're lucky: I claim no part in this!), but those first weeks/months, when he was up every 90 minutes all night - I was so foggy, so out of it, so depressed I was pretty much losing my mind. I remember being out in the car by myself for a 10-minute errand and thinking "I could just keep driving! They'd never find me!"

I would not say that I had any PPD, either. Once our son started to sleep longer periods, I bounced back almost immediately. But my lord, those first months without much sleep - the hardest period of my life. The mental fog, the loss of memory, the depressed feelings, the "nothing will ever be okay again" feelings - all symptoms of not enough sleep. It was totally lousy.

Now that I get almost-"normal" levels of sleep again (he eats once or twice during the night, but we do family bed, and usually neither of us really fully wake up) it's like night and day. I can see a future (if that makes sense - I really found that the sleep deprivation stole any sense of looking forward to things), I enjoy my life again, I feel upbeat, I have a decent memory, etc. In short, I feel like my old, pre-baby, lots-of-sleep self!

I found that even after he started sleeping more, there was about a month, maybe two, where I still felt run-down, more emotional, had some memory issues. But it was a clear improvement over the darkest days, even so!

Anyone out there who isn't getting enough sleep has my deepest sympathies. I hope things improve for you.

ETA: you asked if we were at home or working - I SAH, although I'm a writer and do some work at home, but it's nowhere near full-time. Even those few hours a week felt impossible when I was seriously sleep-deprived. I just don't think my brain worked well enough to do anything remotely intellectual.


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## Jend1002 (Feb 2, 2010)

With a few exceptions, I haven't had decent sleep in nearly 2 years. My DS still gets up many times a night and the toll on me has been substantial. It's hard for me to see this in a positive light, although I really like that idea. But that has been one of the definite impacts of sleep deprivation. I feel like I just can't think clearly and that my thoughts are not really what I would be thinking if I was rested. I know that on the few occasions that I do sleep, I can see a huge difference in my thinking. It makes it really difficult for me to trust my thinking - I have a hard time telling whether my thoughts are coming from the real me or the sleep deprived me, if that makes any sense. And when I am deep in a bad thought process, I can't pull myself out and see the light no matter how clear it seems on a "good" day. I just can't convince my mind to think differently.

I know that my patience is much shorter, my outlook on life more negative than I'd like, and I am far more emotional as well, and I'd say that I feel depressed and anxious sometimes. I had a brief period of several weeks when my son was sleeping through the night. Believe me, I have no idea why! But during that time, I just knew I wanted another baby. But if you ask me right now, no way! It's just hard to make decisions in this state. I definitely don't want to make big decisions!

I have adapted though over the past year in particular. I can get by on far less sleep than ever before. A good 4 hour stretch and I feel pretty functional! I cling tightly to the idea that "this too shall pass" because I have to. I sometimes wonder how I am still married!

One particularly ugly thing that I have been experiencing lately as a result of sleep deprivation is resentment and anger towards people who have children that sleep! Dumb, I know. My son goes to daycare (I am a WOHM) and we have to write how well he slept and time of wake-up. It's on the very top of the form so I can see all of the other parents' responses. If I see another GREAT! 8 am! WELL! 7 am! I am going to freaking lose it. I often think that no one can possibly know what I am going through. No one. But then I come here and read posts like this and feel so relieved.

Plus, I'd do it all over again to have my son. I really would. He is amazing and worth it.

Thanks for letting this tired, foggy, cranky, slightly crazy mom ramble on.


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## LiamsMommy (Jan 20, 2004)

Hi...Joining in the sleep deprivation camp. I am currently sleep deprived for the second time going on 8 months. My baby girl only naps in my arms. I can lay down with her but she has a pretty good mommy radar and wakes frequently if I don't stay put. Then we she sometimes won't go back to sleep.
Her naps have over the last few weeks improved slightly. She sleeps a little sounder and a little longer but still in my lap.

Blame it on whatever...teeth, tummy, etc...I guess it is what is.

I have many of the same symptoms you all have. The big one I didn't realize is the memory loss. Oh and the sex thing. DH is being so patient and doesn't even complain but does make advances. I feel so bad that I am just not in the mood. I also have the quick to snap, depressed, anxious, no motivation to do anything. etc...

My first born is now almost 7. Honestly things didn't really get better until we weaned at 3. He started to have over night visits with his dad (we split when he was six months) After he came back from a weekend with his dad and he wanted to nurse I told him they were empty because he drank it all. It worked. I think he asked a few more times. Then it was just a memory.
I worked only part time starting at 3 months. I went back full time around the time he was 2.

He slept in bed with me until we moved in with current DH. He was 4 1/2. I felt so bad and loved cuddling with him. He probably be still sleeping with me if it wasn't for DH. But honestly there really wasn't room in our queen bed. DS is really big for his age. He is currently 53" and is solid at about 60 lbs and is just turning 7.
Anyway ds is very affectionate and cuddly and I absolutely adore him. I wouldn't want him to be any different

I am currently not working but will be starting up my own mobile grooming business soon. (hubby is converting a van for me, I groomed in a salon for 7 years prior to my maternity leave) Anyway I have been struggling too with the lack of sleep nurse all night baby. Yes this too shall pass. Let's support each other!!!!


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## lisalu100 (Aug 18, 2008)

I'm in the process of night-weaning DD at 11 months. I have come to realise that that we will all be MUCH better off if I have more sleep. I have never had a temper before, but I find myself getting sooo angry all of a sudden. I am a nanny, I work about 50 hours a week, and bring DD with me, and the two-year old I watch tantrums at tiny things. It drives me nuts, I get so mad, and I need to night-wean DD or change jobs, which I don't really want to do. I just want my patience and even temper back. I nearly pinched DD today, and I didn't manage to catch her when she crawled over the side of the bed. I really hope things change when I night-wean...


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## JessieBird (Nov 21, 2008)

It does get better. I was desperately sleep deprived for 14 months when suddenly DS started sleeping through the night. At first, DH and I wouldn't even mention it in case we jinxed it. Then three nights turned into a week turned into two weeks and in no time at all those 14 months of being woken up every 1-3 hours felt like ancient history. I am pregnant again so I'm still feeling exhausted but it's different.

I've done a lot of thinking about this and have to say that as hard and frustrating as it is to get through the day with that thick fog in your brain and all the sadness and resentment that comes with it, I have found some pretty profound benefits. Sarah summed it up exactly:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sarah1122* 
I think we need to see this special time not so much as being in a fog, or being "deprived", but as having the opportunity to develop different parts of ourselves. The ambitious, rational, intellectual parts (that our culture values SO HIGHLY) take a back-seat for awhile and the quiet, intuitive, introspective, grounded parts of ourselves get to come to the fore-front.

I could never have said it so well but this is so true. During those 14 mos of sleep deprivation, my A-type personality slid away and was replaced by someone far more pleasant. I became more open minded and less competitive. I'm not a perfectionist anymore. I am entirely focused on being a good mum (in a laid-back go with the flow kind of way) because everything else has fallen away. Had I seen this coming before DS was born, I would have been horrified and maybe even a bit ashamed. But I am so much happier now and I feel like for the first time in my life I really know what is important in life. Life is simple. I'm a better person to my family and to my community and I have a period of sleep deprivation to thank for it!

(Or possibly I've just gone utterly insane. But it's okay. Insane feels good.)

On the downside, I cry at commercials now and my 8 o'clock bedtime hasn't done my sex life any favours. Yet somehow DH and I are more in love than ever. It sort of feels like we've been through a kind of trauma together and come out the other side okay.


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## Mya's Mommy (Feb 5, 2010)

Wow, I had no idea there were so many others like me! DD is 1 year now and I too have not slept more than 2-3 hours (and that's on a good night) in a row since she was born. Actually probably since I was in third trimester because I waking up so much too pee when pregnant. I feel really cranky some mornings and on others I'm fine (after my soy latte). I do find it hard to follow some adult conversation and have NO short term memory. I also feel so much worse after actually getting sleep, it's like I see what I'm missing...I can't imagine life sleeping again, but am soooooooo hoping that it happens soon. thanks for sharing Mamas!


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## bodhitree (May 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamacolleen* 
I do try to tell myself daily though that I am a tough person for having got through the last year on such little sleep and that really it means that I can do ANYTHING. I think that's an important lesson. I think part of me doesn't want to forget the experience of sleep deprivation because it's become a part of who I am. Make sense?

Yes! That does make sense. I agree with everything everybody else has said about the brain fog, constant exhaustion, decreased ability to follow adult conversations, etc. But in addition to all that, I feel much stronger because I have endured 14 months now of rarely getting to sleep more than two consecutive hours without being woken up. I have actually succeeded in becoming a runner, which I always wanted to do but never believed that I could. A friend who just finished her first triathlon said, "The bar for pain and suffering and what you're capable of doing gets completely reset after you become a mother." I think for me, this is the positive side of the sleep deprivation. I used to complain and worry about it all the time, but now I've accepted that I have very limited power to affect how my DD sleeps, and I've kind of relaxed into it and don't worry or complain so much. It's still hard, but I feel much tougher than I was before.


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## Blueone (Sep 12, 2009)

Well, I'm not exactly in the same boat, we don't BF, and I'm lucky enough to get an occasional 2 or 3 nights of about 6 hours of sleep, but I am sleep deprived. Before I had my son I always slept an average of 9 hours at night. Now I'm lucky if I get 6, otherwise we wake every 2 or 3 hours. He's a needy baby and sometimes just wants to be patted to sleep, wants his paci, or wants a bottle.

I still require a decent night of sleep otherwise I get migraines or am on the borderline of feeling lethargic and unable to keep up. I even get fatigued going up stairs sometimes. I also have hypothyroid and am still trying to get the right dose. Currently there are tests being ran to see if I have Hashimoto's because it seems like it's taking me forever to get back on the right dose. However lack of sleep can really increase hypothyroid symptoms.

If it's been a better night, I generally find I'm just quick to snap, emotional, and very defensive if I even think my parents might be criticizing my parenting choices. Normally I'm not so quick to defend myself because I know my parents aren't criticizing me. Most house work has also taken a back seat. I just do the basics, laundry, vacuum, dusting, and dishes. My husband takes care of trash. Sometimes I do more if I had a better night of sleep.

Good luck to all of you, it can be really hard. Heck, it's hard for me and I'm sometimes lucky enough to get 6 hours of sleep. What I found really helpful was taking a nap with my son. I always take a nap during his morning one. He's also my first kid so I don't have other kids to keep up with. I sometimes wonder how I'll make it when that time comes.


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## catinthehat (Feb 10, 2010)

I began to feel like what I was experiencing was really dangerous for me and my dd's when I was in the midst of it all. I would make really poor decisions while driving, forget stuff all the time, feel very depressed, etc. The first couple times I slept through the night after it all, I felt total elation. It was that wonderful for me. I think it can become dangerous and detrimental to our health when sleep depriavtion goes on for too long. I think in past cultures where people coslept, they all went to bed when the sun went down, so they got more sleep, and there was someone there to help out mama when she couldn't deal anymore. Nowadays, we don't live that way.


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Another sleep-deprived SAHM here. My boys are 5 and 2. My 2 y/o is still b'feeding and cosleeping. I basically haven't had a good night's sleep in 5 years. 2 y/o molars are coming in--not conducive to sleep.

DS1 was actually a worse sleeper, and after a couple of months of no sleep I I had months of panic attacks and anxiety, but on the plus side, I lost a ton of weight! With DS2 I'm just extremely short-tempered, which stinks. And dumber, definitely dumber. Seriously, I always considered myself to be pretty intelligent and I'm convinced I've lost at least 15 IQ points due to sleep deprivation. My blood sugar levels are terrible too.

My DS1 was a really crummy sleeper until 4. Now he's MUCH better and finally STTN. That means I have 2 years left w/ DS2.









While I think b'feeding, esp extended b'feeding, def is sleep disruptive, I think those hormones are the only thing keeping me from going postal. So unless I was gifted w/ a great sleeper, I'd go down this same path again, exhausting though it is.


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## pangirl (Aug 26, 2008)

This thread made me a bit weepy. I feel very isolated with my 11 mo daughter's sleep patterns. I don't know anyone IRL who exclusively BF's or cosleeps. So when things go from bad to worse, I feel like I've made all the wrong choices for us.

I am depressed, very angry, resentful toward my husband and his sleep. And it's all about sleep not ppd, because when I get more than 45 mins in a row, the awful feelings subside. But getting that sleep is so rare. So my marriage is suffering, I am suffering. The baby is happy and healthy, and I'm grateful. I just want so much for her to sleep more than 1.5 hrs to qualify as a "good" night.

This experience has really sealed the deal on her being an only child. I am amazed at those of you who have gone on to more kids after a this struggle. I don't ever want to do this again. This makes me sad, too.


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## madcap150 (Jan 11, 2008)

My son slept terribly from 3 months to 16.5 months. At that point we night-weaned, and he's been STTN ever since. That was almost a year ago; he is almost 28 months old now.

That long-term sleep deprivation was hands-down the hardest thing I've done in my life. I would rather go through a labor like the one I had once a week (or at least once a month) than have to experience sleep deprivation. Like others, I was cranky and quick to anger. I couldn't do anything ambitious; I could barely keep the house clean or enjoy playing with my son. I remember days of being so exhausted by mid-afternoon and not believing every time I checked the clock that only 5 minutes had passed, because it felt like hours.

However, I felt it was important not to leave my son to cry, and didn't think he could handle night-weaning. As soon as I thought he COULD handle it-- that he had enough language to understand-- I night-weaned him, because I needed to function better and I needed to start prioritizing that need. It was much easier than I anticipated, because he WAS ready. He was sleeping through the night within the week.

It was incredibly difficult going through the sleep deprivation, but I'm proud of myself for making it through while meeting his needs. I remember thinking at the beginning "I certainly can't make it through another YEAR like this!" And then-- I did. The experience is a long-term reminder to myself that I can do more than I think.

The good news is that as soon as I started getting more sleep, I felt much better. My mental clarity returned, I was much less quick to anger, and my energy returned. In fact, I probably had a bit more energy to take on projects because I just felt so much better being back to a functional sleep pattern. And when I have an occasional bad night (because I'm sick, my son is sick, I just can't sleep, whatever) I don't fall apart the next day, and I am able to get more sleep the next night and be back to feeling fine.

So, long-term effects: as I mentioned above, a positive effect is that I feel stronger about what I can make it through. On the negative or at least neutral side, we have waited longer than we otherwise might have to start working on baby #2 (and we don't have time on our side). While going through the sleep deprivation, I thought multiple times that I couldn't have any more kids because I couldn't do that again. Now, after it's over, I've decided that it's important enough to me (and to my husband) that we have a larger family that we are going to try for another child. However, we are going into it with our eyes open this time and one of my biggest fears is going through sleep deprivation again. I know I CAN make it through if I have to, but I really don't want to have to. And if the next one is as bad a sleeper as DS, we are DEFINITELY stopping at 2 kids (well, we will likely do that anyway).


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## pangirl (Aug 26, 2008)

Did anyone else's frequent waking baby turn them into an insomniac? I really struggle to fall asleep now. It's 4:30 am and I've slept maybe 45 mins. The baby is sleeping right now, just put her back down. She's been doing 2 hours stretches tonight. And I've been doing none. It seems harder and harder to sleep.


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## catinthehat (Feb 10, 2010)

Pangirl-








I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. It is so hard. I think if anything the sleep deprivation made me fall asleep much easier when it was time to sleep. However, everyone is different. Maybe it is more depression related, or a hormonal imbalance keeping you up. Are you eating a healthy diet? Are you drinking coffee past 12 noon? Alcohol too can cause sleep problems all though it feels like it would help.
I will often make myself milk heated ina saucepan with a mashed bananna in it and a generous spoonful of cinnamon. This almost always makes me sleepy. Maybe look into a mineral supplement too. You could post in health and healing for more ideas. Take care.


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## VeganCupcake (Jun 13, 2007)

My 21-month-old DD is an awful sleeper and although she is partially nightweaned, her best hours of sleep are during the time that I'm awake and trying to do my work-from-home job. She awakens me every 2 to 3 hours once I've gone to bed.

My memory is terrible, I can't remember things I read an hour ago, and I struggle to carry on a conversation--but I do somehow manage. I'm constantly amazed at the strength of the human body and mind, actually.


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## az100 (Jun 22, 2009)

I have not even read this whole thread, and the thought of being sleep deprived and feeling this way for over a year scare me. DS is 10 weeks old, and I am losing it from lack of sleep.

I go back to work as an attorney in 3 weeks. Reading these posts make me fear that I will never be able to sleep and that I will lose my job. I guess I will just pray to the mothering gods to help my baby sleep.


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## csrabine (Jul 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newbymom05* 
Another sleep-deprived SAHM here. My boys are 5 and 2. My 2 y/o is still b'feeding and cosleeping. I basically haven't had a good night's sleep in 5 years. 2 y/o molars are coming in--not conducive to sleep.

DS1 was actually a worse sleeper, and after a couple of months of no sleep I I had months of panic attacks and anxiety, but on the plus side, I lost a ton of weight! With DS2 I'm just extremely short-tempered, which stinks. And dumber, definitely dumber. Seriously, I always considered myself to be pretty intelligent and I'm convinced I've lost at least 15 IQ points due to sleep deprivation. My blood sugar levels are terrible too.

My DS1 was a really crummy sleeper until 4. Now he's MUCH better and finally STTN. That means I have 2 years left w/ DS2.









While I think b'feeding, esp extended b'feeding, def is sleep disruptive, I think those hormones are the only thing keeping me from going postal. So unless I was gifted w/ a great sleeper, I'd go down this same path again, exhausting though it is.

Wow, I could've written your post. 5 year old DD (my really poor sleeper) is finally sleeping regularly through the night, but whew those years were awful. I had quite a few nervous breakdowns and lost weight too. DS started off sleeping well as an infant, but as soon as the teeth started coming in, it gradually got worse and worse until now at almost 2 years, he wakes every 2 hours demanding boob.

The last 5 years of sleep deprivation have of course taken its toll, and I don't like the person I have become







-- Continually grumpy, unable to focus, on the edge of flipping out, worried about getting fired for poor job performance. But I don't see an easy way out of this b/c DS is so boob-crazy and as silly as it sounds, I am too tired to make a change. So I guess I will continue to be a crabby person for another 3 years...


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pangirl* 
Did anyone else's frequent waking baby turn them into an insomniac? I really struggle to fall asleep now. It's 4:30 am and I've slept maybe 45 mins. The baby is sleeping right now, just put her back down. She's been doing 2 hours stretches tonight. And I've been doing none. It seems harder and harder to sleep.

I can't remember where I read this--NYT maybe?--but it was about a study that said the biggest predictor of sleep problems was being a mother. Not a parent--a mother--and that was regardless of the age of the mother or the child/ren. Being a mother permanently altered women's ability to maintain restful sleep. Is that depressing or what?

But re: your insomnia, I don't know, for me personally, I have a hard time falling asleep b/c I'm sure my 2 y/o will wake me up as soon as I fall asleep. It's sick, but I'll stay up late at night even though I'm exhausted, just because I *know* as soon as I get into the bed and fall asleep, he'll wake me up demanding to nurse. IMO that's actually worse than being awake and tired--being asleep and being woken up too soon. Same for napping during the day--I'll just lie there thinking, "He's going to wake up! I have to fall asleep RIGHT NOW because he's going to wake up!!! Fall asleep NOW!!"

I know from my oldest that it will get better, but it's definitely hard, especially when you don't get a break.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

yes i am an 'insomniac'. i may sleep 8 hours maybe once or twice a month. the rest of the time i sleep 4 to 5 hours. however i am not tired, and it does not affect my life. i had a high needs baby.

i wake up at least twice a night even though dd has been STTN for the past 5 years.

but its also because i discovered how much i enjoy the nights. i have been a night owl. but i have early days so fall asleep by 10 pm. i enjoy the quietness of the night and if i do anything i find i get A LOT done with no distractions. it helps being a single mom.

i lived on v. v. v. little sleep during infancy. i HAD to make time for myself as my marriage was breaking up and i was an emotional mess. so when dd slept the longest - 2 hours - i watched movies with her sleeping on me with no sound and subtitles on. its what kept my sanity.


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## greenmamapagan (Jan 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JessieBird* 
During those 14 mos of sleep deprivation, my A-type personality slid away and was replaced by someone far more pleasant. I became more open minded and less competitive. I'm not a perfectionist anymore. I am entirely focused on being a good mum (in a laid-back go with the flow kind of way) because everything else has fallen away. Had I seen this coming before DS was born, I would have been horrified and maybe even a bit ashamed. But I am so much happier now and I feel like for the first time in my life I really know what is important in life. Life is simple. I'm a better person to my family and to my community and I have a period of sleep deprivation to thank for it!

My experience was similar. Thanks for writing that









DD wasn't nightweaned & DS wont be either. She stopped by herself eventually and I'm sure he will too.


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## EhveesMom (May 26, 2010)

Wow, this is a great thread.

I'm exhausted. I have been since Jan. 14, 2010 the night my DD was born. LOL
No kidding. She's been doing great about sleeping but I haven't had a non-broken nights sleep since her birth.

I am SO glad to read the other women have the "brain fog" and the difficulty to keep up with adult convo.. I just thought I was losing my mind! And snappish...oh yes. Poor DH!

I am a WAHM btw. I started back to work 2 weeks after DD was born. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. I really wish I had taken the FLMA.


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## PNWmama (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zinemama* 
I'm past it all now (kids are 7 and 10) but those days and nights are seared into my memory as perhaps the most nightmarish period of my life.

Sahm. How sleep deprivation changed me? I was grumpier, quicker to snap at those I loved, generally unmotivated, and frequently despairing. I couldn't imagine ever wanting sex again, which was awfully depressing. I cursed a lot (very out of character for me) and found myself so lulled by driving that I'd think about how easy it would be to drift into oncoming traffic. Sure, I'd be dead. But I wouldn't be tired anymore.

It is truly amazing how all of that disappeared when my kids started sleeping.

This explains *exactly* how I currently feel. I was just driving this morning and was imagining drifting into traffic because I was so tired. I have a DS who will soon be four and a 15 month old. I haven't slept through the night in almost 4 years. There was a brief period during the first two months of my DD's life where she slept these wonderful 4-6 hour stretches. I felt absolutely great. But, on most nights I'm woken up at least once an hour. My oldest has autism and has never slept well. He's almost four and is still not sleeping through the night. I actually dread going to bed because I know that as soon as I drift off to sleep one of the kids will wake me up. I've turned into this mean, swearing, monster of a mother. I have zero short-term memory, I can't form the most basic of sentences much of the time, I yell, I cry, I'm absolutely over-whelmed by the smallest things. No sex drive to speak of. I get sick easier. I don't even recognize myself anymore. . The very very rare night that I do get sleep I feel excellent the next day. I feel like I'm a good, patient and fun mom. I'm a SAHM...I can't even imagine trying to work out of the home with my current mental state.
I set up a crib mattress next to our mattress in the hopes that my youngest will start sleeping there and by being further away from me she'll sleep for longer stretches. No such luck yet, but I'm remaining hopeful that one day I'll wake up surprised that she slept for a 3-4 hour stretch.


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## desertgirl01 (Nov 11, 2009)

This really is a great thread. I echo what so many others have said...sleep deprivation has made me cranky, quick to anger, no short term memory, have a hard time forming sentences and chosing the correct words, no ability to concentrate, zero energy...I'm surprised I still have a job. Oh, lack of sleep has also made it hard for me to sleep! I've had sleep issues in the past, but this is ridiculous. A pp mentioned this







'll just lie there thinking, "He's going to wake up! I have to fall asleep RIGHT NOW because he's going to wake up!!! Fall asleep NOW!!" That's pretty much exactly how I felt for months and I'm just now getting over it!

I actually think I'm over the hump of exhaustion. My 13-month has been sleeping regularly 4-6 hours stretches, sometimes even longer, for about a month. I feel so much better--I've been able to exercise more (which was the ONE thing I was most bitter about--choosing to get my sleep hours up to maybe 4, or staying up late/waking early to get a workout in). Work is starting to improve, slowly, slowly. I still have a really hard time chosing the correct words when I'm speaking, which is frustrating. Surprisingly, I remained relatively healthy, though I'm on week 4 of a cold that just won't go away--definitely the result of not enough sleep and not enough exercise catching up to me. Hopefully, this last year of challenge has helped me become a better person in some way...


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## Halfasianmomma (Nov 1, 2007)

I coslept with my DD from day 1 and exclusively bf. I was petrified of hearing her cry so whenever she stired or whimpered, I put her to the boob. I thought that I was supposed to do that...So she got used to insta-boob all the time. Needless to say that I nursed every 2 hours for the longest time.

I'm glad to say that there haven't been any permanent changes due to long-term sleep deprivation. While I was in the thick of it I was
Utterly depressed
Highly emotional
Forgetful
Very skinny
Resentful/angry (ok so being married to an alcoholic didn't help)
Completely without energy

When I went back to work, DD was 10 months so we reverse-cycled and I pumped a bit. DD started sleeping in longer stretches around 14-15 months of age, but still woke up 2-4 times a night to nurse and also wanted to nurse upon waking. I had been WOH FT for several months by then and it was really taking its toll on my performance at work.

I finally nightweaned DD completely at around 20 months, because I was losing my mind. It took some time but DD eventually stopped waking for the breast. There were a lot of tearful nights and difficult mornings, but we made it through. It's been 3 months and she now only wakes up or stirs if she has a nightmare. She goes down at 8:30 and wakes up at 6:30.

Since then, I've gotten a lot more energy, I have gained back a bit of weight, I've gotten my sense of humour back, and I've started being able to exercise again. I'm also able to nap with DD on week-ends without a problem whereas before my sleep cycle was completely wrecked.


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## wombato (Jul 24, 2009)

sarah1122 - that's something I've come to embrace, too. I still get frustrated, but the fact is, most of my life had swung way too far the other way. For me, it was about striving to do too much, having ridiculously huge expectations, and it was eating me away. The artistic side, the sides you talk about, had all atrophied. Yes, I feel "stupid." But other people don't necessarily perceive me as stupid (or they are kind enough not to say so







). But there are many wonderful things in my life now because of my little one.


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## PNWmama (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PNWmama* 
This explains *exactly* how I currently feel. I was just driving this morning and was imagining drifting into traffic because I was so tired. I have a DS who will soon be four and a 15 month old. I haven't slept through the night in almost 4 years. There was a brief period during the first two months of my DD's life where she slept these wonderful 4-6 hour stretches. I felt absolutely great. But, on most nights I'm woken up at least once an hour. My oldest has autism and has never slept well. He's almost four and is still not sleeping through the night. I actually dread going to bed because I know that as soon as I drift off to sleep one of the kids will wake me up. I've turned into this mean, swearing, monster of a mother. I have zero short-term memory, I can't form the most basic of sentences much of the time, I yell, I cry, I'm absolutely over-whelmed by the smallest things. No sex drive to speak of. I get sick easier. I don't even recognize myself anymore. . The very very rare night that I do get sleep I feel excellent the next day. I feel like I'm a good, patient and fun mom. I'm a SAHM...I can't even imagine trying to work out of the home with my current mental state.
I set up a crib mattress next to our mattress in the hopes that my youngest will start sleeping there and by being further away from me she'll sleep for longer stretches. No such luck yet, but I'm remaining hopeful that one day I'll wake up surprised that she slept for a 3-4 hour stretch.

I just had to update my post---last night I got an uninterrupted stretch of five hours of sleep







. And I feel AMAZING today. I've got energy, I'm patient, the kids and I are having a great day. So, even with four years of sleep deprivation under my belt, just one night of good sleep makes a world of difference. So, I'm not ruined forever by lack of sleep


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

The first year was hell, sleep deprivation felt very much like PPD for me, but since I felt better any time I got some sleep, I knew I wasn't depressed. The second year was one of gradual improvement as DD slept more and more (and _finally_ napped).

Now, half way through the third year, I feel like my brain and memory came back and I feel mostly normal again. Although I still make stupid typos and have lots of brain farts.

But I have no tolerance for a bad nights' sleep. I need sleep still or I suffer. So my sleep stores have not yet been replenished.

V


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## secondimpression (Jun 10, 2008)

Only skimmed a few replies but have a different perspective.

I went back to WOH FT 6 weeks PP...became a single mom at 4.5 months then had a surprise pregnancy at 8 months. DS is 15 months now and still rarely sleeps longer than 3 hours before waking for a bottle/diaper change/cuddle/whatever. Him STTN before the new baby gets here is not looking likely and I expected that a while ago since he's always been a crappy sleeper. So I went through those phases of being absolutely miserable and mad at the world because I wasn't getting a decent night's rest and can definitely sympathize.

What really helped me though was reading somewhere that "no one on this earth is entitled to a full night's sleep". It really put it in perspective for me that an uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep truly is a luxury and not a basic human right. Once I digested that fact, I was much more at peace with not getting enough sleep.


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## always hope (Feb 2, 2008)

I totally am where you are at. Working 2 days a week and she wakes at least 4 times a night and at the moment won't go to bed before 8:30pm. So I am wacked. But after repeated viruses I saw a naturopath and the supplements have definitely helped. I also have Saturday mornings to myself while DH takes her to swimming. That extra rest and a nap one afternoon in the weekend is what keeps me going.
The hardest thing for me is that I really wanted a big family but I just don't know how I could manage another child and more years of being this tired.


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## Aries1985 (Feb 29, 2008)

My daughter will be 2 on Monday and she's just started somewhat reliably sleeping through the night. We night weaned at about 21-22 months and DH became her night time parent. This helped a TON. She also doesn't sleep with us anymore, again, this is the only way to keep her asleep. She used to be awake at least once a week from 1-4am and up for the day around 4 or 5. She also doesn't nap well and never did. She usually needs help transitioning between sleep cycles at nap, so I get 35 minutes, hold her for 15 and sometimes get to put her back down for 20.

I was miserable, always angry, depressed, etc... Now, I'm 25 weeks pregnant and STILL not sleeping well because I'm uncomfortable and all those emotions are still there. I feel so bad for my DH because all my patience is used up for my dd and many days, I'm just DONE. I'm terrified that #2 will have the same crappy sleep patterns as her big sister.


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## sashanellie (Jul 8, 2010)

I just want to say thank you, you have spoken from my own heart when I have felt so alone and inadequate. I can't wait to get some sleep. It's going on 4 years for me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tellera* 
I WOH. I have a 4 1/2 year old who was up 3 - 4 times a night until bout a year. I went back to work at 3 months.

I swore I would never have another child because the chronic sleep deprivation. I was sad all the time, incredibly quick to anger, and had panic attacks about losing my job because I was obviously not meeting expectations. And I caught every cold that came around.

Things got a lot better a few months after I startd getting full nights of sleep. When I was consistently sleeping 8 hours for about six months, things became SO much easier.

And now I have a 4 month old. And I cry a lot. And, again, I am sad, very quick to anger, and get sick all the time. And I worry more about losing my job.

I make it through each day and each night because I do know that at some point in the future I WILL sleep again. That is actually the difference this time around - I *know* there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere.

But this is it. We are done.


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## sammymama (Jun 20, 2010)

I had to check back in on this post, and I feel so much gratitude to everyone who wrote in! It makes me feel so much better seeing that so many people have had similar experiences. I had a period of such exhaustion that when people would say to me, 'you should really get some sleep!' (as if it was something I was choosing!) my eyes would practically cross in my head and I wanted to scream at them!!

DD is now 11 months old and I have seen a drastic improvement in her sleep in just 2 weeks. And I mean, now she will only stir about every 2 hours (as opposed to every 30-90 min) - and that feels like HEAVEN in comparison. The other night she was cutting a new tooth and was awake and uncomfortable from about 10pm-1am, but then when she fell asleep she slept for 5 HOURS without stirring. This has never, ever happened, and of course I woke up in a complete and total panic, lol. But, truly, it is amazing how much better I felt the next day, and in general how much my overall outlook on life has improved. (Not to mention my ability to articulate a full sentence!) I am usually a pretty peppy, optimistic person and it has been really hard to feel like I have to struggle to see the good side of things/people.

I also fully agree with the posters who said it has been a life lesson in just taking everything down a notch. 5-6 weeks ago I was really hitting a wall and I decided not to worry about doing anything at all besides taking care of the baby, cooking healthy food for the family, and being nice to myself (ie if I had enough energy I would take a run or exercise, just do something small that I enjoyed). If I could fit in something like the dishes or laundry, then great, but otherwise I just let it go. And that was HUUUUGE for my type-a, control-freak self to come to terms with.

Last night DD had a rough night with a tooth again but it was SOOOO much easier to be compassionate and kind (the kind of mama she deserves) in the wee hours when I had to be out of bed, bouncing her on a ball to get her back to sleep for 2 hours, as compared to when I was exhausted and had all sorts of black thoughts stewing in my head as I bounced!

So, to the mamas who are still tired - just be as nice to yourself as possible. Hang in there!!


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