# One Day at a Time *****JUNE******



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

*


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Jenna - I'm so glad that you have had distractions lately. It really sucks when reality hits again (((HUGS)))

Rosemary - Please take care of yourself. I know you are going through such a difficult time.

(((HUGS))) for everyone

Red Jen - if your still reading, hi and hugs.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

heres hoping that any one ttc this month WILL







: and everyone grieving the loss of a loved baby will find hope, encouragment, love and understanding.







: we love our







s

thank you everyone here that has helped me get through a terribly rough time in my life. its very appreciated!


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## ljortiz22 (Oct 15, 2007)

I am new again to MDC. I lost DS shortly after joining here and I took a hiatus to lose my mind and find it again. It has been almost 8 months but it feels like forever. I was really hurt when I found out I was preggo again and sometimes I can't handle it because we were preventing because I was still grieving. I hope everyone takes time for themselves before TTC or letting nature take its course. It is hard when you haven't had time to grieve and now you are worry about a new life on top of that. **hugs** to everyone with losses and may peace find you.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I can't handle having periods anymore, I want to go on Seasonique.

Every month I get angry and cranky. My periods are different. I get a lot of pregnancy symptoms. This time my period was even a few days late, and I was beginning to think I was pregnant. I can't deal with this anymore, I'm thru. It's like my body won't stop being cruel to me.


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## jessicasocean (Mar 21, 2008)

honeybunch I can completely relate to what you are saying. I have severe issues when I get my period. I always am hoping that I am pregnant... I am not actively trying, but I want another baby. It seems that our bodies can be our own enemies at times.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Welcome ljortiz22 - I'm so sorry for your loss of little boy. I was still grieving (am still grieving) when I got pg also (Due Dec. 11). I am older and I didn't have much time so we tried to get pg. I'm sorry that you were not ready for this new little one. It is hard to resolve your feelings about your loss and celebrate the new life. The women here are nice and understand conflicting feelings and issues surrounding loss. May you find the peace that you need.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Hello everyone, just wanted to stop in and say I'm still around. Days get easier, days get harder its so weird. I hope everyone is finding some peace







Here comes summer, any plans? We are going to PA/NJ at the end of the month to see family we haven't seen since before Francis passed. I had been dreading it, but now I think it may be ok. I'll prob be switching emotions all the way up to when we get there.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jessicasocean* 
honeybunch I can completely relate to what you are saying. I have severe issues when I get my period. I always am hoping that I am pregnant... I am not actively trying, but I want another baby. It seems that our bodies can be our own enemies at times.

We're not actively trying either.

Maybe I would be able to put up with my periods if we stick to our plan to TTC in late July or early August, but he may be backing out.

I'm convinced my body just likes playing jokes on me. What did I do to deserve this???

After AF came a few days late this time, I'm thru, and I'm just about over it.

Now I'm starting to get the irrational fear that I won't even be pregnant again.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

It's so much harder now than even in the first month. My mw told me when I went in for a diaphragm (which I still haven't filled the rx) that she thought my GD (I know it's a pretend disease) caused Micah's death. I shoved her off as per my personality but when I read online about GD and even about the drug glyburide that she had me on, I'm scared to death. and grieving SO much more cuz now I feel that I shouldn't have any more children. Hubby's all on board for no more kids. ugh. I'm just sick about it. and grieving more now cuz now I have no hope left to hang on to (future children).

Rebecca


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Rebecca - i probably said it before but I want to say it again, I'm so sorry for your loss of your baby. My little Norah was born still at 40 weeks in November. However, my DH is on board with trying for another. That must be difficult to come to terms with. Sometimes, I feel that after 6.5 months that I can find some peace if I did not have any more. At first the urge was really strong to have another but it has definitely lessened.
take care, d.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cuddlebaby* 
It's so much harder now than even in the first month.









: Sometimes I do feel better, but then another wave hits me, and I'm amazed at how it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. Ugh. This weekend, I started experiencing signs of depression. Not just grieving, definitely depression. I have experienced it in the past, so I can totally see that that is what it is.

For example, DH and I went to his parents' lake house this weekend and took out their boat so that he could fish. He was using this casting net and caught several of little fish that he put in the live well of the boat. I thought he was going to release them again later, but then he told me he was planning on using them as bait to catch bigger fish. I was really upset at the idea, and I insisted that he release them. I don't know why, but the thought of them dying really got to me. Even thinking about it now makes me tear up a bit. I've never felt like this before, and I know it's totally irrational, but at the same time, it was so strong, I felt like I couldn't ignore it. Anybody else get upset at random things, or is it just me?


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Ladybug last week I found out that I have a baby bird living in a birdhouse we put on our porch that needed to be hung back up. A mama bird made a nest and last week I heard the little baby for the first time. Then the next day I didn't hear it at all. I was SO sad the next day crying for the mom wondering how she was doing and feeling with her baby gone. Blogged about it and then my dad tells me that the babies don't cry all the time only when the mom is feeding them. I thought for sure that the baby was dead and then I heard the baby the following day. I felt so incredibly silly that I immediately jumped to the worst possible scenario, was crying for the mom and erased my blog.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Light and love ladies!

Lots of hugs to each of you. This is a rough journey. I have not ben posting, I feel that I dwell too much here sometimes.

I have been really busy with the end of the boys school year (next week thank goodness!). We are TTC again with the help of an RE. We are both excited and hoping for a BFP next month.

Take care all. I'll be around. Even if I am not posting, I try to read 2-3 times a week!

Hugs,
Jen


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

I hear you, Ladybug. I was so relieved that there were not yet any eggs in the bird nests that DH removed from our eaves. I hated all the funeral flowers that filled our house shortly after Baker died. They looked pretty and smelled great at first, then died and made me more depressed. We planted annuals at Baker’s grave and a lilac at our house in memory of him. I like watering the flowers at his grave and tending the lilac. It makes me feel like I am doing something positive to sustain life when I could not save my baby.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Thought I'd check in with you ladies....

Everything seems the same I guess. We are not ttc right now. It isn't off the table completely, but it's moving farther and farther away it seems each day. I was SO SURE I wanted another, but now I'm not sure if I can go through another pregnancy to just have it end in heartache halfway through, kwim? I know it would be a pregnancy filled with stress and anxiety and I'm not sure I can do it OR put anyone else in our family through that too. I also have VERY difficult pregnancies...lots of morning sickness, it makes it hard to take care of the children I do have. It just doesn't seem fair to them. Of course, this breaks my heart. But we haven't made any decsions yah or nah. I wish I could get pregnant, fast forward to 20 weeks and find out if the baby is going to make it past then and then proceed ( lost one at 20 weeks and one at 17 weeks).

My cousin had a baby Friday, his first. We announced our pregnacies to the families the same month. They announced first...when she was around 11weeks, and I announced when I was around 16 weeks only to lose the baby a week later. i couldn't bring myself to call him and congratulate him...how awful is that?


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really getting any better. Now it seems like I just get hit harder with sadness but less frequently.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Yep I feel like that too sometimes when it hits me so hard it throws me back. You think that it gets better with time, but I think that time is far far far in the future.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Last week I was in Costco and saw a woman that I haven't seen since announcing my last pregnancy. She saw me with Brooke (who was sleeping in the cart) and she congratulated me. I was baffled. She saw how confused I looked and said something like "congratulations, on the new baby". I was so incredibly dumbstruck I sorta laughed and just said "oh, no...she died". She couldn't apologize enough, I felt sooo bad for her. That was an interesting situation. I talked about it just for a minute then tried to change the subject for her, I knew she was just mortified. That's the first time I had that kind of situation.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eliseatthebeach* 
Last week I was in Costco and saw a woman that I haven't seen since announcing my last pregnancy. She saw me with Brooke (who was sleeping in the cart) and she congratulated me. I was baffled. She saw how confused I looked and said something like "congratulations, on the new baby". I was so incredibly dumbstruck I sorta laughed and just said "oh, no...she died". She couldn't apologize enough, I felt sooo bad for her. That was an interesting situation. I talked about it just for a minute then tried to change the subject for her, I knew she was just mortified. That's the first time I had that kind of situation.

I hear you. I've had some strange encounters now that I am back in the world. Someone on my train asked "so what did you have?". When I told her that the baby died in labor, she was dumbstruck. She, like many people, automatically assume that someone (i.e., doctor) screwed up. I found myself somewhat defensively explaining that no one screwed up, it just happened.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Having a rough day today. With the warm weather, there are babies everywhere in the city. I was not a part of the April DDC, but I went over there today to look. How I wish I could complain about how little my baby sleeps or how hard BFing is. I wish I knew what it was like to have a baby. I hate being the mother of a dead baby.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Dalene







I did that also, went back to my due date group and everyone was talking and some gently complaining about a few things that I if in their situation would of been talking/complaining about too. I felt the same way, I wanted to be the one talking about my baby. It isn't fair, I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

I hear you, Dalene. I know all of us would give anything to be back in those innocent days before our loss. In this case, ignorance is truly bliss. But since I can't, I'm trying really hard to find the positives in the midst of all this. I don't have any other children yet, but I'm hoping that someday that I'll be a better parent because of the loss. All those things that seem SO important to the average mom won't be such a big deal to me, at least I hope so. For example, if my children don't reach the developmental milestones at exactly the "right time", then I hope I will thank the Lord that they are healthy and alive. And even if they're not healthy, as long as they are alive, I want to appreciate every moment. And when they drive me crazy, I hope I won't be as likely to lose my temper, knowing that I would give anything to have Audrey here to annoy me.

Of course, this knowledge and attitude shift doesn't make the loss worth it - nothing does - but I feel the need to honor Audrey by being a better person because of her. Hugs everyody.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Parker's Mom - Hi, I've been thinking about you. I just haven't been around that much lately. Many Many (((HUGS))) to you.

Red Jen - I also have been thinking about you. I'm glad the appt with the RE went well. I'm not on very often because of my summer field work. I'm leaving for Nepal soon and hope for great news when I return.

Ladybug, Gratefulbambina, Dalene (((HUGS))) This journey is never easy. It fact it is as difficult as one might expect. Just when you thinking you've got control something else happens to let you know otherwise.

Peace and Strength, d.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

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Hi MY Daughter wanted to see some dancing vegetables, hopefully this will bring a smile to someone's face.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Thanks, Norah's Mom. I needed that!


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Hi everyone. I've been reading, and now I think I'm ready to join this thread. I need some people who've been there. I'm just going to jump in here.

The place where my peripheral IV (i think this is what it's called) was put in my wrist has scarred. It makes me so upset to see. I'll be going around doing a fairly decent job of being "OK" and then I'll notice it. feh. I have some coconut oil I'm putting on it to see if it will go away.

It will be 2 months since I lost him, next week - he would have certainly have lived had he been born now, rather than at 22 1/2 weeks.

My life has two realities, as you all well understand. The one where everything goes on full throttle, for me this is my work, my toddler, my husband, my everything else, and the one where. my. baby. died. They do not coexist. I can't just collapse at work, and I am not in a position where I can not work. Even now, at work I am still running into people who don't know. Or people who want to talk to me about it. Give me condolances. Tell me that I can have so many more (wtf is that about?). When I first got back to work, that was fine, it was comforting. Now that some time has gone by, it's obvious that the world doesn't stop, and it's been easier to pretend to be "normal" at work and these interruptions, these reminders from people, they send me into a tailspin. It is a blow - I'm rolling along smoothly, doing my reports, creating my presentations, and then BAM - someone says something and I'm lost and disconnected again, the train derails. I'm so thrown by it now since it's so unexpected and I am just trying hold on to normalcy.

anyway. I'm just having a hard time right now. I'm feeling pretty angry. I am seeing a therapist every other week. She wants me to write. So, here I am. ARRGH. It doesn't help that work is also extremely stressful right now.

Wow I am all over the place in this post.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Tellera







I'm so sorry honey for your loss. I will have to agree that for me writing in Francis blog has been a huge part of my healing.

Can you put some Vit E or I've heard wonders about Comfrey Ointment on the scar? It may help it go away.

That was very painful for me seeing all the life around me while I was in such deep pain. I wanted to shout out to people a few times.

We're here for you, noone wants to be in this group, but we are a pretty tight group of women and we'll cry with you and gives as much comfort as we can


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Hugs to you, Tellera. I am so sorry that your baby died. It is so unfair. I am also seeing a therapist who suggested journaling and online discussions as an outlet for my emotions. It is hard seeing life go on around you, especially when at work. I have found that I need to take time to grieve every single day. When I am busy and distracted at work and have a "good" day, I make sure to spend time with my baby&#8230;channeling his spirit, in a way. I'll go home from work, sit in the rocking chair in his room, look at his pictures and have a good cry. If I don't, the emotions build up and I feel hopeless, aimless, and alone. You lost someone very important, and your baby deserves to be mourned and missed.

Do you have someone at work that you can talk to when the emotions well up and you can't keep your composure? Can you close your office door or duck into a friend's office for a few minutes to cry? My supervisor lost a twin at 38 weeks years ago, so I talk to her sometimes. Just knowing that you have the option of talking with a friend or a safe place to cry, even if you don't use it, can help to get through the day.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

A week ago a coworker had a baby shower. I bought the gift, and I thought I was going. The day came, and I just couldn't do it. I would feel bad if someone didn't come to my baby shower, y'know? At least I tried and got her gift. This coworker is due in July like I was. *sigh* I find it mentally painful watching her body change. It hurts me so much even though I know I should be happy.

I keep forgetting why I lock myself away. Now I remember-it's baby and bump season!

I don't feel like I'm doing better after these months. I'm gonna try to pamper myself some more,hopefully that will help. I had a little retail therapy.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Thanks, gratefulbambina and dalene...

Oh it's so hard. We have someone at work that I can go to, if I want. Kind of depressing, I went to her a lot not too long ago for my mother. I haven't seen her for Rowan, but this hasn't been as constantly stressful (my mother's death was spectacularly complicated) and I've felt that my meetings with my outside therapist were enough. But, you're right, I don't think so - at least, not anymore. I think I need someone on-the-spot who I can go to. I will make it a point to reach out to her later this week.

honeybunch- hugs -my neighbor is pregnant and due at the same time I was (Aug). I saw her watering her garden last night and it make me want to throw up - she is so beautifully pregnant and I can't stand that I'm no longer full with my son.

In my room I have a little place set up with my mother's urn, my son's urn, his memory box, his life certificate, and a figurine of an angel holding a little boy. Someone gave it to me recently, and I like to imagine, or pretend, that it's my mother holding my son. I'm going to find a print to hang above this little nook of theirs...I really like Chagall and I think something dreamy and hopeful will help me. I miss them both so much.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Tellera, I just wanted to tell you that I love your son's name, Rowan. I'm sorry that you are grieving the loss of both your baby and your mother.

I'm having a weepy day on my day off today. I find it so difficult to motivate myself to get things done around the house. Sometimes it's all I can do to shower and get dressed. I watered the flowers at Baker's grave, so at least I got out of the house. I discovered that Massachusetts offers a certificate of birth for stillborn babies. I think I will order Baker's birth certificate and have it framed.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Thank you, Dalene. How are you this weekend?

A friend ordered us a Life Certificate and had Rowan's footprints on it. It's so nice. The hospital told us the state doesn't do birth certs. for stillborns before 23 1/2 weeks. One week shy...

I have a really hard time about the pictures that were taken at the hospital. They told me someone would take pictures, and I thought it was a photographer. However, it was the nurse and the pictures did not come out well at all, blurry and/or grainy. It makes me *so incredibly sad*. My dad went to our house to get DH's blackberry, and I almost said to get my camera, but didn't, because I thought the pictures that the hospital would take would be enough. I just kick myself. I struggle with this piece a lot. I gave the pictures to my friend yesterday to see if there is anything she can do with them at all, as far as removing some of the graininess, etc. I don't think there is. She's a pro with photos though, at least maybe she can make the lighting better. *sob*

Oy. I went to see the in-house counselor on Thursday and it really helped. On the way back to my desk I ran into another person who didn't know. It was very awkward. But I took Friday off and had a very nice day. I relaxed, finished a book (I rarely have time to read anymore, since having DS), sat outside for awhile and just *was*.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Friends of ours had their baby boy last week. DH called me at work to tell me. I put my head down on my desk and cried. I’m not happy for them, just jealous. Our babies were supposed to grow up together. Part of the reason this baby’s birth is so difficult is that these friends have not been supportive. They sent flowers, but we have not seen them since Baker died. DH and I wanted to give them a baby gift before the baby was born, but they were too busy. Now I have to face seeing them for the first time AND their new baby all at once.


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## mamamelia (Apr 14, 2005)

oh dalene, i'm so sorry







what a horrible situation to place yourself in. if i were you i'd just send the gift via mail and make up some excuse (i guess you can be "too busy" now).







you're in my thoughts mama.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

The stinky part is that DH and I were really looking forward to giving them a baby gift. We planned to spend a few bucks on the jogging stroller on their registry—to care for their baby boy in a way that we cannot care for Baker. We’ll send something in the mail when I feel ready. The ball is in their court now. Their response to the death of our baby is in complete contrast with other friends who are also pg. These other friends have reached out again and again. They cried openly when we showed them Baker’s pictures and told our story. She doesn’t talk about her pregnancy unless I ask. She is being induced today due to a pregnancy-induced liver disease that increases the risk of stillbirth. I know I will cry when her baby boy is born, but they will be tears of relief b/c I don’t want another family to experience what we are going through.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
The stinky part is that DH and I were really looking forward to giving them a baby gift. We planned to spend a few bucks on the jogging stroller on their registry-to care for their baby boy in a way that we cannot care for Baker. We'll send something in the mail when I feel ready. The ball is in their court now. Their response to the death of our baby is in complete contrast with other friends who are also pg. These other friends have reached out again and again. They cried openly when we showed them Baker's pictures and told our story. She doesn't talk about her pregnancy unless I ask. She is being induced today due to a pregnancy-induced liver disease that increases the risk of stillbirth. I know I will cry when her baby boy is born, but they will be tears of relief b/c I don't want another family to experience what we are going through.

you really find out who your friends are don't you? and it's usually pretty surprising to see who steps and moreso who doesn't. I'm pretty angry right now about just this.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

We just received the results of Audrey's autopsy. They discovered she was infected with Group B Strep, which is the most likely cause of death. (They also saw some severe twisting of the cord, but the infection is more likely the main cause.) I feel kind of numb now. It's so hard to understand how she got infected when my membranes didn't rupture (at least that I know) and I didn't get sick either. There can't have been a major leak because they broke my waters during her delivery.

The other part that stinks is that even though I have something definite, there's not really anything they can do about it for future pregnancies. They can give me a round of antibiotics during pregnancy and during delivery, but there's really no way to know if a baby has Group B Strep in utero. They plan on monitoring more of course, which is somewhat reassuring, but I feel like the whole treatment plan is cross your fingers and hope for the best.

I don't know. I just really wasn't expecting for them to find anything and now I don't know what to think and feel. At least there wasn't really anything I could have done differently. I'm going to do some research myself, but it sounds like it is very uncommon, not that that really makes me feel any better. Sigh.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ladybug732* 
We just received the results of Audrey's autopsy. They discovered she was infected with Group B Strep, which is the most likely cause of death. (They also saw some severe twisting of the cord, but the infection is more likely the main cause.) I feel kind of numb now. It's so hard to understand how she got infected when my membranes didn't rupture (at least that I know) and I didn't get sick either. There can't have been a major leak because they broke my waters during her delivery.

The other part that stinks is that even though I have something definite, there's not really anything they can do about it for future pregnancies. They can give me a round of antibiotics during pregnancy and during delivery, but there's really no way to know if a baby has Group B Strep in utero. They plan on monitoring more of course, which is somewhat reassuring, but I feel like the whole treatment plan is cross your fingers and hope for the best.

I don't know. I just really wasn't expecting for them to find anything and now I don't know what to think and feel. At least there wasn't really anything I could have done differently. I'm going to do some research myself, but it sounds like it is very uncommon, not that that really makes me feel any better. Sigh.

Wow, ladybug. I highly recommend the book "Life touches life: a mother's story of stillbirth and healing" by Loraine Ash. Her baby was also infected by Group B strep.

You and DH have some processing to do with this new information. I feel like I start the grieving process over again with each new piece of information.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

*


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

~Mamaterra~. I'm sorry that you lost this baby, and I'm sorry that you don't feel like you can make space/time to grieve for it. Is there any way you can take some vacation time to grieve? I know that's not the most fun way to spend vacation time, but it's so important to do. Or maybe start journaling or seeing a counsellor? I don't have any good answers, so forgive me for just throwing things out like that. I know there is no "quick fix". I wish I could give you a hug personally because I know you're hurting. I'll be praying that you can find little bits of time to grieve and little bits of peace along the way too.


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## smocklets (Jan 11, 2007)

My computer was not working for a few weeks, and oh, how I missed all of you! It has been six weeks since we lost our baby. My period returned, exactly one month later.
There is a brand new baby(6 days) in our extended family who spends most of his time in a car seat or crib, while his mother goes shopping and out to bars. I am usually okay around babies and pregnant women, but this is just killing me.
Hugs to all of you, I'm so glad we have each other.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Hi mama's I just need to be here for the next few weeks.Elvie would have been due in the next 10-15 days,and it's starting to hit me hard.I can't even relate to that world anymore.My life with her in it is so officially comming to an end, I just can't bear it.I can't not have her.I had such a strong bond with her the whole pregnancy,only to never see her tiny body, never hold her, never hear or even feel her.

This new baby kicks now, and I'm reassured it's alive,but I have no bond with it.I don't know it's spirit.I can't guess it's name.I just don't know this baby.
Maybe as Elvie's time passes I will be able to open my heart to this one.I'm too afraid to do this again.And I'm too broken.

I want to buy two rose bushes a white one for Sione-our first loss, and a red one for Elvie.I want to plant Elvies remains under the red one on the fourth of July.Red and white for Christmas when she left us, and Independance day when she would have been born.

I still have no answers from God.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

Hugs to everyone. Our poor babies. Our poor selves.

One moment at a time. I've lost my joy in music. I just don't want to listen to anything anymore. Maybe because it's filled with emotion. I have tickets to Ani DiFranco coming up soon. Oy. Don't know how I'm going to get through it. But I can't not go. Something in me needs to go hear it.


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## KindRedSpirit (Mar 8, 2002)

Tellera-I hope you do go, and tell us how it was for you.I think an Ani concert could be a healing experience.And we all know that feeling of holding back from healing....I hope it is







:







:







: for you!(In whatever way you need it.)

I have no hope of buying and planting Elvies roses.We've just bought a new battery and starter for our van which is still not running and 50 miles away, at my mom's house.Why does it have to get harder!?Aside from sobbing as I type, I'm handling it well.Too well.You know?


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

My EDD is on the 5th. I don't know how I'm gonna act. I just never know what kind of day I'm going to have anymore.

I"m still lactating. In a way, I don't want to give it up. Now it's making my periods irregular.


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