# Divorce after Miscarriage?



## talldarkeyes

This is my very first post on MDC. I lost my baby at 13 weeks a little over 3 weeks ago and since then my marriage has fallen apart. We have been married for 6 years and my miscarriage actually started on our anniversary. DH was very supportive throughout the miscarriage, amazingly so, but then afterward we have been fighting about everything under the sun. We aren't sleeping together anymore and I don't know what to do. I understand that we are grieving and our grief is handled differently but I really don't want to hate being around my spouse anymore. It just keeps getting worse and while I am not ready to leave yet, I am seriously considering the possibility. We have a 2 year old daughter.

Can anyone give me any advice as how to handle this? Anyone had a similar experience?


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## theboysmama

We have struggled with this as well. Although neither of us intend on ending the marriage over it after all of my losses we haven't really enjoyed being around eachother either. We grieve so differently and I have had to come to terms his way of grieving and he has had to come to terms with mine. Once I realized it was just his way and didn't mean that he didn't care about me or the baby than it was a lot easier. This time our struggle has been different as he is done and I am definately not so we are struggling with that particular issue.
My advice would be to just remember all of the things you love about your husband, etc. Find a girlfriend that you can just be sad around and share all of your worries with so that your dh doesn't feel like he has to fix something and ends up feeling helpless. Also if he is needing space give it to him (not a sleep on the couch kind of space but just giving him his time). I am really sorry you are going through this and you can definately come out of it.


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## philomom

After our son was stillborn, we spent some time in a couples group therapy session. The psychiatrist in charge said the divorce rate for couple with losses is much higher than the national average.









We are still here, though. Been married 22 years and 18 years since our loss.


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## jtrt

Welcome to MDC. I am so sorry you lost your baby and sorry that you are suffering.

You have so much going on right now. Your loss is recent and your feelings are very raw. It is true that men and women grieve differently and that may contribute to the conflict in your marriage. Now is most certainly not the time to make decisions about ending a 6 year marriage.

Please consider finding a therapist or support group in your area. It is not just you or your dh. As a wise previous poster stated, the divorce rate is higher among couples who have experienced a loss.

Now, having said that, I will tell you that my 15 year marriage has been damaged by my recurrent losses. Our first loss was 2 years ago in August and we went on to have two more miscarriages and then a beautiful rainbow baby 8 months ago. My husband was great during the actual miscarriages but never really grieved as I did. They were not "real" to him and he was ready to move on much sooner than I was. I resent him for not loving his own babies, for hurrying me through my grief and for basically being a man. We are now working in therapy on healing our marriage. It is not just you.

Be gentle with yourself and with dh, even if he does not deserve your compassion right now. For your 2 year old as well as for yourself, please find some professional support.

Sending you wishes for peace and comfort as you mourn your baby...

Amy


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## Milk8shake

All couples have tough times, but as you can see, many couples with losses struggle.
My best advice would be to give it time. Three weeks might have felt so long, but it is a drop in the ocean in the scheme of things. Part of what you're feeling would be grief, but there is also a lot of crazy hormonal stuff too.

I was, and at times, still have been resentful of my DP because of how he handled our losses. We went through periods of fighting A LOT, about everything and nothing. I realised that part of that was allowing me to get some of my frustration, sadness and anger out. Part of it was also needing attention too. DP knew that I wasn't really angry about him leaving his socks on the floor (or whatever), but it is so difficult to be at constant odds with each other.

He has come along with me to my therapist once, and plans to come once a month. That was really helpful. In fact, just being in therapy myself has given me better skills to handle my sometimes irrational thoughts about him and "us", and whether we had a future.

When it comes down to it, I love him, and we wanted a child together. We've had to live through the loss of our children, and although DP doesn't always handle it the way I would like, there is no "right" way. I struggle, he struggles, my family and friends struggle. I shouldn't expect him to know what I want and need, when I don't even know myself.


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## cappuccinosmom

I'm so sorry for your loss.










If our miscarriages had been a few years earlier in our marriage, dh and I would have had a much harder time. By the time they happened, though, I had a better understanding of him and so I wasn't resentful of his reaction to the losses.

If you are looking for things you can do...
--like the others said, support group or counseling of some kind
--remember, when things are going badly, that you both are grieving
--when a discussion starts to go downhill, choose to step back, take a deeeeeep breath, and don't participate in arguing. Express what you need to say calmly, and then let it go.
--whenever you start to have bad feelings towards him, make a conscious effort to think those through. Is he that awful (sometimes he might be







) or are those feelings coming from the pain and frustration that's inside you.


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## Got_Cloth

I am very sorry you are going thru this. "They" say, dont make any big decisions for 6 month following a loss. in 6 months you may feel very different from now, and you might regret your decision.

Now having said that. My husband and i have been married for 12 years. 17 months after we were married, our twin daughters died. Someone told us that the death of a child will make or break your marriage. We worked REALLY hard to make it. It was not easy, and the grief did not help. We had known each other for only 3 years, and it was a major tragedy.
Since 2006, we have lost 4 sons in the second trimester, and had 3 early miscarriages. While our marriage has managed to stay together, we do go thru a huge rough patch after the death of one of our children. We dont talk, text, have sex, or do anything together. we do love each other, but i think we have such a dark cloud, that it is hard to "be happy" together.

One thing that has really saved our marriage, I think, is the fact that we have learned to respect each others way of grieving. I had to learn to understand why he doesnt like to go to group, and he supports that i NEED to go. We talk about grief, and i had to learn to not get upset with him, because he is not "that" affected by the loss. At least not the way I am.

I really wish you the best of luck. Marriage is hard, and the death of a child can cause a huge strain.

Wishing you peace, love, and comfort.


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## talldarkeyes

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences.

When it comes down to it, I would agree that it is a lack of respect. My dh doesn't understand how I am grieving and trying to step away from an argument only infuriates him. I think therapy would be a good choice for both of us, but dh is anti. He is fine if I go, but if I suggest that we go, it's like I am saying there is something wrong with him.

I have struggles enough with depression in my life to recognize it for what it is; dh see's it as me being mean and ignoring his feelings. When I tell him I am depressed he says that since I realize it I should be able to snap out of it.









How can I help him understand when explaining doesn't work? How can I encourage him to seek help to deal with his own grief and frustration so he isn't putting it all on me?


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## WaitingForKiddos

First, I started a thread called "our Husbands' about a year ago when we lost our daughter. It might help you see examples of our husband's reactions to loss and the changes in their wife. Many (most?) husbands don't understand that for us, the loss of a baby is so much more than what they experience. We had a physical bond with a child and a severe hormonal reaction to both carrying and loosing a baby. There's no 'getting over it'. Man are typically fixers. They want their wives to be happy like we were when we were our planning for the baby and full of excitement. To them, there's nothing wrong with moving on, fixing what can be fixed and ignoring the rest. This is how men cope, no amount of therapy will change this.

I remember Dh coming to me crying several weeks after our loss. I thought "Finally he's grieving like me!!!" Then he said 'I really miss my wife. I am in mourning for my daughter but more so my wife who used to be loving and present. I have a dead wife." Wow. Those words hit me hard. I didn't stop grieving, not at all. But I did start to try and be someone who was wanting to live, who could see light in things. Some days I had to fake it. After a while I faked it less and less and our marriage improved. Men just don't grieve like women do.

To answer your questions, you can't help him see anything. He sees what he can. just like we see what we can (I still can't stand to think about Dh praying for me to live as he accepted the death of his child. That he picked me to pray for over her.) You can't encourage him to seek help. He knows it's out there, if he needs it he can seek it. For myself, I felt like Dh was putting things on me...as I learned to step away from the emotions I saw that I was actually putting things on myself. Carrying his grief and stresses so that he didn't have to. In a way I think I was doing this to validate my wallowing (not that there's anything wrong with wallowing) in sorrow.

The absolute #1 thing that helped me the most was these boards. When no one got it I could post here and within a few hours someone supported me and told me I was having valid feelings. The friendships I gained here are priceless.








We are here for you. It does get better.


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## FMS619

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Loss is just so hard, and especially in the early days as you are. I love my husband very much, but I can tell you in those early days, I didn't much care to be around him. And yes, I even thought I wanted to leave. (which never, ever would have occured to me prior to this, so realize that sometimes we have extreme reactions to extreme stress). You may be feeling like this, too.

A couple things that helped--about a month after our loss in January, my husband kept our daughters and I "took a weekend off". I was yelling and cranky about everything and everybody and even though I told my husband, "I hope you don't think this one weekend is going to make it all better", I did feel better able to cope after that. Can you take a short break and just get away? I went to my Mom's house overnight, then went window shopping, to mass and out to dinner with a good friend.

Also, a few others have mentioned counseling. My husband is also firmly in the camp of "I'm not going", so I haven't pushed. But, I started to see a counselor about 3 months after our loss and still see her every couple of weeks now. It was amazing to see that once I had someone else to talk to about our loss, not just my husband, it actually took some of the pressure off of him and he started to say something to me once in a while. It still affected me WAY more than him, but once I was able to verbalize (in a non screaming way!







how I was feeling, it did seem to help a little.

I don't think there's any easy fix, but I encourage you to hang in there and take lots of deep breaths. This will be a time different than any other in your life, most likely, so be patient with yourself.

Take care!
Becky


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## talldarkeyes

Quote:

Can you take a short break and just get away? I went to my Mom's house overnight, then went window shopping, to mass and out to dinner with a good friend.
That sounds so lovely! I am not quite sure where I would go though since my parents live so far away and my in-laws live so close! One of my friends offered to fly me out to visit her in Washington, but since she and I had due dates so close I don't know that would be a good thing.









Thanks for the support! It feels so good to have a safe place where I can vent and read about the experiences of others.


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## brightonwoman

Firstly,







Losing a baby is hard enough without feeling like you're losing your marriage too. I know it's cliche, but this too shall pass...so long as you want to stick it out you can figure things out. I can't make any promises on timelines, just on possibilities.

When I miscarried the first time I lost a lot of blood and nearly died myself. My DH later told me that he didn't really grieve our baby because he was so worried over me. 10 months later, when I miscarried again (and dealt a little better that time because I'd been down the road once) he completely lost it. He withdrew from everything for about two days straight--literally watched movies back to back to back. Then he basically clammed up and didn't want to talk about any of it. Ever.
He tried to support me, but then he wanted to move on before I was ready, and more than a difference of timing was a difference in style I guess. I was reading book after book about miscarriage, pregnancy, birth, and fertility. I decided I wanted to become a doula and/or a childbirth educator. I hoped that perhaps in all my reading I would learn something that would help me prevent more miscarriages, but I never did. In the meantime, he thought that I was just fixated on baby stuff and hoped that I would get past it. He encouraged me to consider working part time, to keep myself busy. I never wanted to. He was really surprised when, after finally having a baby, I still was interested in being a doula/CBE. I don't think he really finished grieving over our lost babies until we had a live baby in our arms.








He just pushed it away and then bottled it up...
We definitely have had rough patches. Our whole marriage has been a roller coaster, and maybe it's because that first miscarriage was just 4 months into it. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder what it might have been like to have had a longer period of innocence, you know? But this was the hand we were dealt.
Yes, I think marital issues are normal. We have had periods where we weren't talking, weren't really sleeping together (as in, sex might happen but it was more because his libido wouldn't wait than it was because we were feeling it). Counseling probably would have been good but my DH wouldn't have gone for it either. He always says "there's no point in paying someone to tell me what I already know..."


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## talldarkeyes

Hi Jenni, I wondered if I would see you here! Thanks for your helpful advice (as always!).


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## brightonwoman

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talldarkeyes* 
Hi Jenni, I wondered if I would see you here! Thanks for your helpful advice (as always!).

I'm actually not in here that often, but I saw that it was you and wanted to respond.


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## Arduinna

I'm so sorry for your loss.

After ours, dh drove me crazy by asking me what was wrong anytime I looked unhappy, I wanted to scream at him isn't it obvious what's wrong, are you clueless?


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## MarineWife

My marriage is crumbling now after my 7th loss and my dh's refusal to even entertain having another baby. It took me telling him that I wanted to leave before he would finally do something. He went to a counseling center and got info on our options.

Even if your dh won't go, I recommend that you go to therapy on your own. You have to take care of yourself regardless of what he does. If nothing else, it might help you to clarify what you want and need.


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## SimplyRochelle

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I had a loss at 12 weeks and it wrecked my marriage. We both have our own mental illnesses which just compounded the grief we were experiencing. I pulled away from everyone in my life, especially him (since every time I looked at him I wondered if our baby would have had his eyes or mine, and so many other questions like that). He had lost his job just a week before I miscarried and I was working almost 60 hours a week from the day after I miscarried. I was at work when I started bleeding, took the next day off, then worked a double the following day while wacked out on pain killers. It was awful. I had a lot of resentment towards him for not working and part of me wanted to blame him for being a smoker. My first love randomly contacted me about a week after it happened and things just snowballed from there. I thought it would be a good idea to run away from anyone who even knew I was pregnant, but of course, it all caught up to me eventually. We were separated for almost 6 months before we began living together again and it took many months of struggle to get to the amazing place we are now. Our relationship now still has its' ups and downs, as any marriage does, but having weathered the storm, we feel like we could make it through anything.

I hope the dark days pass quickly and that you find some peace. It's a really tough road and it will take a lot of work, but you guys can get through this. Feel free to pm me or go back in my post history and read the posts I made around the end of September/beginning of November in 2008. I am very open to talking about it.


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## hippy mum

Waiting-do you have that link anywhere-it would be helpful I think.

I am sorry OP. I can tell you that dh and I went through this. Some days I think we still are. We were almost at the divorce point about 6 months after our mc. It's been a super rocky road. For me, I don't think I talk to him enough about how I feel. He made a comment to his family, at the time of the loss, that "I" would never recover from it or something like that. I felt that was a horrible thing to say. He was afraid I would just go nuts I think.
I also believe it just takes time. Losing a baby is losing a part of ourselves. It's a hard thing. We have milestones that we are going to hit and it will effect us. We are the ones thinking about due dates, birthdays, how old they would be etc. I think we shoulder the bulk of the loss.

We didn't go to therapy. I wanted to at first, or at least go to a grief counselor. But I have mixed feelings about therapy, and so does dh, so we didn't go.
You are not alone though, as you can see from all of our posts.


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## vbactivist

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
I'm so sorry for your loss.

*After ours, dh drove me crazy by asking me what was wrong anytime I looked unhappy, I wanted to scream at him isn't it obvious what's wrong, are you clueless?*

this was exactly our situation. I think men are often times able to move forward more easily, especially if it was an early loss.


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## MarineWife

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vbactivist* 
I think men are often times able to move forward more easily, especially if it was an early loss.

After reading this thread, I decided to see what I could find on the internet about m/c and grief and recovery that I could email to my dh since talking to him didn't seem to work. Just about every article I came across said this. Men are not physically attached to the pregnancy from the moment it occurs like women are, obviously. To many men it's just not as real. That doesn't mean that how they feel or react is wrong. It's just different.

I just wish mine could understand that my feelings and reactions aren't wrong or weird or irrational, either, and show me some compassion and empathy instead of annoyance every time I bring up the subject of a baby.


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## vbactivist

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MarineWife* 
After reading this thread, I decided to see what I could find on the internet about m/c and grief and recovery that I could email to my dh since talking to him didn't seem to work. Just about every article I came across said this. Men are not physically attached to the pregnancy from the moment it occurs like women are, obviously. To many men it's just not as real. That doesn't mean that how they feel or react is wrong. It's just different.

*I just wish mine could understand that my feelings and reactions aren't wrong or weird or irrational, either, and show me some compassion and empathy instead of annoyance every time I bring up the subject of a baby*.

This is one reason why I felt so grateful to have such a strong female support system. I do think it's hard to keep leaning on someone who just doesn't get it.

Also, I think loss support groups can be helpful, or just plain old therapy.








s to everyone who is suffering right now. I promise it does get better.


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## [email protected]

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talldarkeyes* 
This is my very first post on MDC. I lost my baby at 13 weeks a little over 3 weeks ago and since then my marriage has fallen apart. We have been married for 6 years and my miscarriage actually started on our anniversary. DH was very supportive throughout the miscarriage, amazingly so, but then afterward we have been fighting about everything under the sun. We aren't sleeping together anymore and I don't know what to do. I understand that we are grieving and our grief is handled differently but I really don't want to hate being around my spouse anymore. It just keeps getting worse and while I am not ready to leave yet, I am seriously considering the possibility. We have a 2 year old daughter.

Can anyone give me any advice as how to handle this? Anyone had a similar experience?

Wait a sec. You have a 2 yr old daughter, that changes everything. For her sake you both need to work through this & decide to stay together. Traumatic events of all kinds stress marriages & increase the divorce rate. You & your husband have just experienced the death of a child and hopes/dreams -- can't get more traumatic than that.

Please make a decision to undergo marital counseling, so that you can both share your feelings and understand where the other is coming from. It has only been 3 weeks, still raw for both of you. Men and women handle stress differently, and you are not understanding one another at the moment. If you need space & he doesn't understand that, then counseling will help him get there. He is probably feeling grief in addition to helplessness, since deep down he wants for you to be OK, but doesn't know how to support you. Maybe you are feeling angry and irritable, and as if he doesn't understand the myriad feelings you are experiencing. Whatever it is, it has created distance between you but can be overcome. Don't let fear and sadness destroy your daughter's home.


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## [email protected]

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talldarkeyes* 
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences.

When it comes down to it, I would agree that it is a lack of respect. My dh doesn't understand how I am grieving and trying to step away from an argument only infuriates him. I think therapy would be a good choice for both of us, but dh is anti. He is fine if I go, but if I suggest that we go, it's like I am saying there is something wrong with him.

I have struggles enough with depression in my life to recognize it for what it is; dh see's it as me being mean and ignoring his feelings. When I tell him I am depressed he says that since I realize it I should be able to snap out of it.









How can I help him understand when explaining doesn't work? How can I encourage him to seek help to deal with his own grief and frustration so he isn't putting it all on me?

My advice would be to start therapy on your own. Your choices are to stay in an unhappy marriage, get a divorce, or work on improving your relationship. All three scenarios require for you to be rational, at peace with yourself, and supported. You can get there with therapy. Maybe he will eventually start himself, or maybe the therapist will give you strategies for making this marriage work. You need a safe place to cry. Please start therapy on your own.


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