# why shouldn't I tell my child not to cry?



## sunnylady303 (Sep 17, 2004)

I am brand new to the idea that telling my two year old not to cry is a bad idea. She has a new little sister and some days, I swear, she spends two-thirds of the day crying. I get so sick of it. If I sympathize she just keeps crying and even escalates. If I leave her to cry I feel like she's getting the message I don't care. And so I would tell her to stop crying (sometimes not said as gently as I would like when I am maxed out.) So if you don't tell your child to stop crying how do you handle it? What are the right messages to send? Especailly when she is crying so so much - over everything - food being spilled, wanting to be picked up when I can't pick her up, wanting strawberries (which we don't have), wanting a circle to fit in a square hole - I am not trying to be insensitive I really really love my daughter but she can seriously cry over anything. I am at a loss for what to do and what is normal and why it's bad to tell her to stop crying. Any advice? I really want to do what's best here and I can see how telling her to stop might be a bad idea...


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

I wouldn't tell her to stop crying because it invalidates her feelings. I would get down on her level, give her a hug, and whisper "calm down honey, tell me what's wrong calmly so I can understand you" until she calms down. The things she's crying about may seem insignificant to you, but I remember being that age and they are very important to her most of the time.


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## sunnylady303 (Sep 17, 2004)

Thanks for your response. That makes sense to me. I REALLY don't want to invalidate her feelings, but the thing is - that doesn't work. She just gets more upset when I try to get down to her level and speak softly and calmly. I guess I am more looking for suggestions than for reasons not to tell her she needs to stop. Although the idea is new to me, I can see how it invalidates her feelings. But do I just let her cry when I can't her to calm down? Does that teach her I don't care? And how much crying is normal anyway?


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

With my boys, when they are crying and trying to get my attention or tell me something, I just say gently, repeatedly, "I see you're upset, but I can't understand when you talk while you're crying. Let's take a deep breath together.... okay, now try again, tell me what's wrong."

We do a lot of 'deep breaths' around here, when we're overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, crying, etc. It helps to refocus for a second.

I do this with whining and crying... "I can't understand when you ___, let's take a breath."

It takes a little while for them to get the hang of it, but now my oldest is 8 and when my 4yo starts crying or is angry, my 8yo will coach him on taking a a breath!


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

I don't know how much crying is "normal" but I think it's important to keep in mind that crying is often a toddler's most effective way of releasing tension. Just like for some adults, it can feel good for them to cry.

When my daughter cries, I get down at her level and ask her if she wants me to help her stop. "I'm sorry you're sad that we don't have any grapes right now. I know you really like grapes. Does it feel good to cry right now?" If she says yes, I'll offer to make her more comfortable: "Do you want me to hold you while you cry? Do you want your white blanket? If you want some alone time, I'll be in the kitchen, and you can call me if you want me." (This is all part of a conversation - I try not to just pepper her with questions.)

If she says no, then I'll help her take some deep breaths and find something to distract her. We'll pretend my finger is a birthday candle and she has to blow it out 3 times. This has worked really well.

Sometimes she's so upset she just cries more when I approach her. In those cases I'll just say "I can see that you're really sad right now. If you want me to help you get calm again, I'll be right here on the couch."

When toddlers cry, it's usually because their emotions are so intense that they don't know what else to do. It's hard to be supportive and calm when the crying seems to be non stop, but I try to remind myself that simply saying "stop crying!", can be heard by dd as "stop feeling!".


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

If these ideas just don't work, I would just let her release her tears, but be there with and for her.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

kamilla626, that is the most helpful thing anyone has ever shared with me about this issue.

dd is much like the OPs and cries often. I will try those suggestions.

One more thing though, what do I do when I am nursing or holding a sleeping baby? Its easy to parent one child but having two, one of which is completely dependent, makes things much harder.


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## Think of Winter (Jun 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kamilla626*
Sometimes she's so upset she just cries more when I approach her. In those cases I'll just say "I can see that you're really sad right now. If you want me to help you get calm again, I'll be right here on the couch."

When toddlers cry, it's usually because their emotions are so intense that they don't know what else to do. It's hard to be supportive and calm when the crying seems to be non stop, but I try to remind myself that simply saying "stop crying!", can be heard by dd as "stop feeling!".

This was very helpful for me to read, too. Last night we had a 2 hr crying session, which thankfully is unusual for my ds. I had a tummy bug, and am 7 mo pg, and was just not up to carrying him around. Ds kept repeating "Mommy pick up" over and over and over while he cried. We offerred daddy to carry, or mommy to sit with, or mommy in the rocker. No good. As he got more upset, he got "bossier," and I got more irritated. "Daddy go away. Daddy go upstairs. Mommy can do it. Mommy not tired. Mommy pick up." He did not stop. And nothing worked to calm him. I tried telling him that I knew he wanted me to carry him, and I was sorry I couldn't do it (I repeated this dozens of times.) Then I ended up asking him to please stop screaming, and saying to him that it hurts our feelings when he screams at us and tells daddy to go away. I asked him to use a gentle voice. But he was too hysterical to listen to what we wanted. Thanks very much to kamilla, and to the pp who suggested "cry quietly." I don't think it worked last night, but telling him to stop crying wouldn't have worked either. OK, rambling here...


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## Animama (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kathryn*
If these ideas just don't work, I would just let her release her tears, but be there with and for her.









Amen! We do that a lot. I've tried to drop my "buts." As in, "I know you're sad, but ..." or "It's really disappointing, but ..." If she's crying over something there's no solution to, I hold her and say, "I know you're sad," and hug her and wait for her to finish. That's all. I don't have to fix all her problems, I just need to be there for her. It's the most efficient way she has to let out frustration and stress. I mean, I don't let her go to the spa or take kickboxing.









If I'm holding the baby, I either put the baby down for a little while, or shift them so I can hold both on my lap. Sometimes the toddler's screaming has woken up her sleeping sister a foot away, but it's okay. She goes back to sleep.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I know how overwhelming it is with more than one child. I have a 6-year-old, a 2-year-old and a 3-month-old. Some days it gets really hard but we have to remind ourselves of this: How would we want someone to respond when we cry? Do we like being told we're crying too loud? Do we like when someone tells us to stop crying? I don't know about you, but sometimes I want to be held or hugged, and sometimes I want to be alone and talk about it later.
Just because they're smaller doesn't mean they don't feel just like we do.
I don't ever try to make my two-year-old feel responsible for the baby. If his crying wakes the baby, so be it. His feelings are just as valid, IMO, as the baby's need to sleep. Babies can always go back to sleep. My son's feelings are hurt now.
I'm not trying to be insensitive. Believe me, I know what it's like to really need the baby to stay asleep for awhile and sometimes I do ask my DS to go in his room if he needs to cry loudly, but I don't ever make him feel banished for crying.
Keep trying different things. Eventually you'll find something that works for you as well.
I'd type more but I'm now nak.


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Animama*
Amen! We do that a lot. I've tried to drop my "buts." As in, "I know you're sad, but ..." or "It's really disappointing, but ..." If she's crying over something there's no solution to, I hold her and say, "I know you're sad," and hug her and wait for her to finish. That's all. I don't have to fix all her problems, I just need to be there for her. It's the most efficient way she has to let out frustration and stress. I mean, I don't let her go to the spa or take kickboxing.









Great suggestion. I have a bad habit of "butting" dd. I think when I do it, I'm trying to calm my own anxiety - like telling myself, "But there might be a way out of this... But I'm still doing the best I can..." Which, of course, does nothing to help her release _her_ stress.


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## mollyeilis (Mar 6, 2004)

My question is...does it even *work* to tell/ask someone to stop crying?


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## Persephone (Apr 8, 2004)

Maybe she cries harder when you try to talk calmly to her is because she feels she's being heard, and she feels safe then to let it all out. Kind of like, have you ever tried really hard to hold in your tears, and then someone comes over and gives you a hug, and then you can't control it anymore? Because someone showed you they care, and you then feel safe enough to release your tears around them.


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## sunnylady303 (Sep 17, 2004)

hmmm, persephone, I hadn't thought of that. It's just so hard to deal with all the crying because I can't pick her up or whatever and I feel like I am being insensitive if I just "let" her cry. But maybe letting her know I am there for her and then letting her cry as much as she needs to...I don't know. And no, it never once worked when I would tell her to stop crying.







It didn't seem to stop me though when I was really frustrated...


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## Persephone (Apr 8, 2004)

I totally understand the feeling. I just finished reading the Aware Baby by Althea Solter, and she talks about theraputic crying in there for infants and toddlers. There's a thread in the cosleeping forum about it right now. And I felt really horrible and helpless when I held my dd while she cried. But, I really do think it's the best thing sometimes. (In my case, provided all her physical needs are met.) Dd cries very little now. (Part of that is temprament, I must admit. But she cries less now than she did before, and her crying is less intense most of the time, unless she's been really overstimulated that day.)


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## Plummeting (Dec 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnylady303*
It's just so hard to deal with all the crying because I can't pick her up or whatever and I feel like I am being insensitive if I just "let" her cry. But maybe letting her know I am there for her and then letting her cry as much as she needs to...I don't know.

It _would_ be insensitive if you just ignored her and walked away. There is a big difference between ignoring her because you just want her to be quiet and allowing her to get it all out while she knows you're there for her if she needs you, kwim? Simply allowing her to cry if she feels like it, while telling her something like, "I'm right here if you need me," helps her understand that you care how she feels and are willing to help her through it.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Let me turn it around a bit- why would you tell her to stop crying? It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed, which is understandable, but telling her to stop crying is for you not her.

-Angela


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## mother nurture (Oct 13, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dynamicdoula*
With my boys, when they are crying and trying to get my attention or tell me something, I just say gently, repeatedly, "I see you're upset, but I can't understand when you talk while you're crying. Let's take a deep breath together.... okay, now try again, tell me what's wrong."

We do a lot of 'deep breaths' around here, when we're overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, crying, etc. It helps to refocus for a second.

I do this with whining and crying... "I can't understand when you ___, let's take a breath."

It takes a little while for them to get the hang of it, but now my oldest is 8 and when my 4yo starts crying or is angry, my 8yo will coach him on taking a a breath!

This is the method I use, too. "I see that your are sad/angry/frusturated, etc. But, it's hard for me to understand you...let's calm down together w/ a big ocean breath."

And I also second just letting her let it all out if that is what she is needing. I know as I'm sure you do...we need those days and times. Just support her and hold her as she cries.


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## btlsmum (Feb 13, 2005)

I have one child that does not want to be consoled unless it's on her terms. When she's hurt you simply must let her cry until she's ready to come to you and be comforted. She gets irrate and downright madu if anyone tries to touch her or hug her when she is hurt/angry. She is definately the exception to the rule in this house and the one that I find myself getting frusterated with in crying situations. Hugging, cuddling, drying tears...that stuff I can do. Standing by and watching my child scream and fuss and not being able to help...I do not like. LOL

Ok, back to the OT. (sorry for the mini-highjack)
I think our job is to help them find other, more productive ways to react. So, while I hug them and help them calm down it's my job when they are calm to ask them "What could we have done differently?" or to assure them, if applicable, that we can deal with the situation competently (such as cleaning up a mess instead of crying over it) and put it behind us. I want to teach them coping skills so that their first reaction isn't necessarily tears. Yes, we all cry at times and children (blessedly) don't have the same filters on their emotions that adults do but I would like to help my children realize that they are competent human beings and to help them to analyze a situation and think about what they can do instead of just start crying straight away. Physical pain being a whole 'nother animal in this discussion. I'm speaking more of disappointment or frusteration or guilt, etc.

Of course, this is constant lesson and there are plenty of tears and meltdowns at our house. And, as children get older these instances are less and less.


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## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

I would first make sure that she is getting her needs for food, sleep, and positive one on one attention met, then I would remove some of the toys and obstacles that are beyond her level or make sure to step in to manuever them to a position that makes it possible for her to succeed when she starts to head toward the point of too much frustration. When dd cries I try to hold her and let her cry or to at least rub her back so she feels connected or if she wants her space I give it to her and read a book and let her know I am there for her when she needs me. It does get annoying sometimes but that is because of how I was raised not because crying is actually suppossed to be annoying. Hopefully when dd is old enough to have children (30) she will be open to all emotions and not find them annoying like I do because she is being brought up to respect them even though that sometimes means gritting my teeth and forcing my skin to toughen up after the ten millionth tantrum over a cracker. As she grows older she will learn other ways to express them that are less annoying, but first I am sure it will get more annoying and I am okay with that.

The reason it is important to me that she has her feelings validated is because everyone is going to go through some sort of trauma some day (even death is a big trauma) and it is really really hard to deal with your emotions over a trauma when you have been taught that they are bad. It is painful and difficult to cope after trauma if you have never been allowed to express yourself and all of the emotions come out in some very ugly ways that are hurtful to not only your loved ones but yourself also. I never want my child to experience that pain, it is not right to do to another person just because they annoy you. Children are small and still learning how to cope with life, including the emotions of life, and they should not be bullyed or shamed into being a little miniature of their parent for conveniences sake.


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

I completely agree that telling someone not to cry or not to have a feeling isn't very respectful of their feelings and of course their are times when it does feel good to cry. However, I also think that most of us don't want to be sad or cry any longer than we have to. I think emotional intelligence is about respecting our feelings without letting them rule us. It is so important to understand that sad is sad and once you accept that feeling, it is much easier to move to something much more fun.

I usually just sit with Joey and wait for him to be ready to be done. I offer options for moving on. I usually say things like "are you done being sad yet?" without any emotion- not like get over it but sad is sad- it isn't a very powerful place to be for solving problems. I think as parents we may have moved just a bit too far in the respecting our kids feelings area. Feelings are just feelings- they are not permission or excuses for behavior. Crying is crying- although there is not necessarily anything wrong with crying, there isn't anything necessarily helpful about it either...


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## Proudly AP (Jul 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mollyeilis*
My question is...does it even *work* to tell/ask someone to stop crying?

in my experience, it did. simply because, what often followed 'Stop crying...' was, '...or I'll give you something to cry about.' well, i guess, from my mother's perspective, it 'worked' because I knew, unless I wanted to be hit, that I had to shut up.

BUT 30-odd years later, I still feel I have to hide when crying (I usually go into the bathroom) and I am trying to learn functional ways of expressing my strong 'negative' emotions.

I have slipped on a couple of occasions, and asked dd to stop crying. Reading this thread has reminded me that I need simply to allow her to be where she is, and support her in the way that suits her best at the time.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Proudly AP*
in my experience, it did. simply because, what often followed 'Stop crying...' was, '...or I'll give you something to cry about.' well, i guess, from my mother's perspective, it 'worked' because I knew, unless I wanted to be hit, that I had to shut up.


Yeah, that.
How people ever decided that was a great thing to say to their kids I'll never know.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

If I put the baby down then he will cry so its a no win situation. What do you do in that situation? I try to hold both kids at the same time. I try to make sure that when dh is home or I can put baby down that she can cuddle with me as much as she wants.

So every time she's upset should I put the baby down (and then he will cry) or do I make them take turns? None of it seems fair or right.


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## mollyeilis (Mar 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Proudly AP*
in my experience, it did. simply because, what often followed 'Stop crying...' was, '...or I'll give you something to cry about.' well, i guess, from my mother's perspective, it 'worked' because I knew, unless I wanted to be hit, that I had to shut up.

Well, that's not quite the same as my question.

I kept seeing people say "what should I do other than say 'don't cry'", and I was trying to figure out if there was actually an alternative to that, because looking for an alternative seems to hint that saying "don't cry" actually worked in some way. Since I could not believe that, I asked. Seems it doesn't work, so we're not looking for alternatives to saying "don't cry", but rather simply what to do. Does that make sense?

The "don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about" actually usually made me look at the person like they had four heads. It made no sense to me then. Of course, they never did it, it was an *end of their rope* sort of statement.


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## BohoMama (Jun 26, 2003)

I just posted a long musing on the British "stiff upper lip" and on drama queens on another thread caled "Do.Not.Cry." I'll re-post it here if anyone wants, but I'm assuming that most who are here probably already read through that thread.

Anyway, what I wanted to add this time is that I think the OP's child may be crying more because of her pregnancy. That happened in our family towards the end of my last trimester, and I can see it happening right now in my girlfriend's family. The young child, sensing the coming helpless baby, needs to "accumulate" love and attention, because they may fear that there won't be enough to go around when the baby arrives. (They don't know that the baby will also GIVE them love and not only take it away from the parents.) In the last 2 months before Amadea was born, my son Andrej kept hitting me with "impossible" demands, like that I carry him to the neighbors' house, or that I dress him (he can do most of his dressing himself), and then he would undress, throw the clothes around the room, and scream that he wanted me to dress him again, or he wanted different clothes, or that something was "dirty" and he couldn't wear it. We tried everything, from trying to accommodate *some* of his requests, to distraction, verbalizing "I know you want me to carry you, but you need to walk," telling him point-blank to stop crying, trying to bribe him, or take away treats, trying get him to be a "big boy," telling him we wanted to go out and he needed to get dressed so he could come along, and etc. etc. etc. Nothing really worked and this behavior (plus bedwetting!!!) continued and intensified until Amadea was born. However, after he met his baby sister, he clicked over to be the most loving and wonderful big brother I ever could have imagined.

I think there may be a light at the end of your tunnel, too. If I were you, I'd focus on talking about the baby coming soon, and how lovely babies are, and how much your son will enjoy having him/her around, and can help with baby care, and how he is such a sweet boy that he is sure to make baby very happy and baby will love and admire him so much because he's so big and clever and thoughtful.


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## mollyeilis (Mar 6, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamao'two*
If I put the baby down then he will cry so its a no win situation. What do you do in that situation? I try to hold both kids at the same time. I try to make sure that when dh is home or I can put baby down that she can cuddle with me as much as she wants.

So every time she's upset should I put the baby down (and then he will cry) or do I make them take turns? None of it seems fair or right.


I say this as the eldest of the kids in my family...that's the kind of thing that happens when you have more than one. It's simply part of it, no getting around it.

Does the crying of the older one disturb the new baby? Won't the crying disturb the new baby no matter what you do, if it disturbs him? If he's going to react the same way anyway, you might as well do what you need to do for the crying one.

I missed where anyone said to put the baby down.

Do you have a sling for the little one? Perhaps you could get really good at a carry that gets the little one out of the way; my Korean MIL would suggest a "real" Korean podegi for a nice, tight, safe back-carry (the thick fabric supports baby's head). Get really good at it, get fast at it, so if the older one is in sudden need, just get the baby up and out of the way so you can help the older?

I noticed you said in your previous post you can't carry the older one? How old is she? Why can't you hold them both? If it's a strength issue, what about getting down to wherever the older child is? If she's tantruming on the floor, sit on the floor with her, or on a low chair or something. Or sit on a chair with them.

The arrival of new siblings is hard! Trust me! I'm the eldest of FIVE. The three younger ones are much younger (they are my dad and stepmom's), at 13, 15, and 25 years younger than me. And I've felt weird about the arrival of each of them, even the last one b/c she was a girl which booted me out of the only-girl position.







But I also love them to pieces. It's just part of being part of a not-just-only-child family...

Wear the baby, hold the crying child (if that's what she wants), try to be there for her however she needs...but saying "don't cry" isn't going to help (if she stops crying she was ready anyway, or she's scared or shamed, and those two are not things we want to do anyway) and might hurt (if she feels invalidated).

Hugs to those with more than two, from the eldest of five!


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## coloradoalice (Oct 12, 2005)

Sunnylady, I am right there with you!!









I came to this forum today wondering the same thing. I was not raised with gentle discipline, and I have to admit that I am stumped on how to deal with Gracie almost daily. I was told to stop crying, I was hit, I was ignored. Now I am looking for new ideas that will help validate my child and create a peaceful home.

Gracie is doing the same things you describe, she is stressed about the baby, was recently sick and is getting her 2 year molars. She is demanding, angry, and sad. I am finding my self telling her to stop crying, be quiet, go in her room, etc...... because I don't know what else to do.

Soooooooooo...... THANK YOU to all the posters and ideas on this thread. It is so hard to break the cycle of abuse that occurs in most families. I will have a new attitude when Gracie wakes up from her nap, which should be any minute!!


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

I do often carry him in a sling. Typically the problem I have with dealing with her crying/whining/tantruming is when I am nursing him. The crying doesn't usually bother him. What bothers him is being put down when he wants to continue eating. more later...


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## mollyeilis (Mar 6, 2004)

Does she want to nurse, too?


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## Niamh (Jan 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnylady303*
I am brand new to the idea that telling my two year old not to cry is a bad idea. She has a new little sister and some days, I swear, she spends two-thirds of the day crying. I get so sick of it. If I sympathize she just keeps crying and even escalates. If I leave her to cry I feel like she's getting the message I don't care. And so I would tell her to stop crying (sometimes not said as gently as I would like when I am maxed out.) So if you don't tell your child to stop crying how do you handle it? What are the right messages to send? Especailly when she is crying so so much - over everything - food being spilled, wanting to be picked up when I can't pick her up, wanting strawberries (which we don't have), wanting a circle to fit in a square hole - I am not trying to be insensitive I really really love my daughter but she can seriously cry over anything.

Ok, I am going to do something I hate doing-respond before I read the whole thread. If I read the whole thread I'll just feel dumb compared to all the other mommas and be too scared to post.









First off, crying can be very, very frustrating. Especially if it seems constant. Especially if you're dealing with more than one child. Be gentle with yourself.

Second, be gentle with her. She's dealing with a new baby sister, less mommy time, and no knowledge of how to express her feelings. She may not even _know_ what she's feeling, so she let's it out by crying. Crying's an easy way to release emotion. You know it's not really about messes, food, or toys. Although it sometimes could be about being picked up.

I think it's not good to tell a child to quit crying simply because that does not lead to emotional maturity. It teaches a child that they should hide their feelings, squash their emotions, and just be happy 24/7.

It seems to me (but this is after reading alot of the parenting books suggested on this forum-especially Playful Parenting) that it makes a lot of sense that when you sympathize the crying escalates. When my daughter's crying escalates after she gets attention for it, I know she really needs the release. My strong suggestion is to sit with her while she cries. Let her cry it out. Don't run to the store to get strawberries, but don't tell her to squash her emotions. It really helps with my daughter to talk about what's happening. "Are you frustrated?" "Yes." "Are you frustrated you can't have a strawberry?" Sometimes she'll stick with her story and sometimes she'll startle me by telling me something else she's frustrated about. In your situation, with another child to care for, time and patience may very well be in short supply, but that's kind of having kids isn't it?

Good luck! (and pick up Playful Parenting-Larry Cohen)


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## thorn (Dec 28, 2004)

:


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## Animama (Oct 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mollyeilis*
I missed where anyone said to put the baby down.

Well, I said _I_ put the baby down sometimes when the older one is crying and needs attention, but my baby doesn't usually cry when set down. On the occasion that she does, I either hold them both, or take turns. As long as no one's crying _alone_, I don't get too worried about it.

YMMV, of course.


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## Niamh (Jan 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MsMoMpls*
Crying is crying- although there is not necessarily anything wrong with crying, there isn't anything necessarily helpful about it either...

I couldn't disagree more. Crying is often extraordinarily helpful. In my rare but powerful hormone-driven, overwhelmed states, nothing feels better than a good cry. It is incredibly helpful in releasing pent-up emotion, stress, and hormones.

For a toddler who has very few releases for built up emotions and frustrations, crying is exactly "necessarily helpful". There's really no better way to describe that type of crying.


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## MsMoMpls (Oct 22, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Niamh*
I couldn't disagree more. Crying is often extraordinarily helpful. In my rare but powerful hormone-driven, overwhelmed states, nothing feels better than a good cry. It is incredibly helpful in releasing pent-up emotion, stress, and hormones.

For a toddler who has very few releases for built up emotions and frustrations, crying is exactly "necessarily helpful". There's really no better way to describe that type of crying.


Of course- what I said is that crying isn't "necessarily" helpful as in it is sometimes helpful and sometimes not... I like the idea of helping kids decide if they want to be crying and find that they often don't want to be as that hormone crying thing just isn't their experience. Just as much as we don't want to give our kids the idea that crying is bad... we don't necessarily want it seen as something always helpful.


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## sunnylady303 (Sep 17, 2004)

It is so nice to hear that others have this problem as well (especially you Alice!) and to hear suggestions and thoughts. I am trying to change my attitude and I think it has helped. She is sick tonight, but in general I think I am handling things better and she is responding. I really appreciate all the responses!!


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

no, she doesn't want to nurse. She weaned about a year ago and I've offered and she always laughs it off.


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## BohoMama (Jun 26, 2003)

Hey, sorry for any confusion, my comments were directed towards Colleen95, who is pregnant, not the OP who has a small baby. My son's rough adjustment took place before his little sister was born so I reacted to her message and didn't process the fact that it was not the original poster's.

My mom, a wonderfully wise woman, tells me when the going gets rough with Andrej with crying, tantrums, bedwetting or whatever else: "Well, as long as he isn't doing it at his wedding you have nothing to worry about. And if he is, it's already his wife's problem!"

I think it's crucial to try and get the older child to help with caring for the younger as much as possible so that the baby seems like a special project or a pet, or a team member and not merely competition. The older one then feels competent and important in the family and gains self-esteem. Dr. Sears has written some on this. If you are religious, you can also help the older child pray (aloud) for the younger one to help build solidarity.


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## Niamh (Jan 17, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MsMoMpls*
Of course- what I said is that crying isn't "necessarily" helpful as in it is sometimes helpful and sometimes not.

Ugh. I'm sorry. I've gotten so used to those who use language lazily (saying something isn't 'necessarily' around here means 'absolutely never'--don't ask me why) that I read your post lazily.








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## TripMom (Aug 26, 2005)

I am new to this too . . . but I totally get it now.

It teaches her that her "feelings" are not "OK". And that is one of the key foundations to building Self Esteem - not questioning or feeling like your own emotions are not "OK".


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## faithnj (Dec 19, 2004)

Oh wellll.....First thing this morning my DD was crying/whining for me to get out of bed because she wanted milk. Before I could think about it, I said "Please don't cry." Then you guys popped into my mind! LOL! But you know what? She actually did stop crying-- which amazed me. Who would have expected that??? All the same, I don't want to invalidate her feelings, but.....I think every mama makes mistakes sometimes.


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## BlueStateMama (Apr 12, 2004)

Quote:

When toddlers cry, it's usually because their emotions are so intense that they don't know what else to do. It's hard to be supportive and calm when the crying seems to be non stop, but I try to remind myself that simply saying "stop crying!", can be heard by dd as "stop feeling!".
Wise words, wise words...


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## Think of Winter (Jun 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BohoMama*
my comments were directed towards Colleen95,

Thank you for pointing this out. I'd missed it the first time, and I really appreciate this new perspective. I've been so frustrated trying to accomodate ds's constant demands.


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