# Do you celebrate your daughter's first menstruation?



## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My daughter has recently turned 11, so this is on my mind. I think she's probably got a year or so left based on where she's at physically, but you never know, and I would like to do something special. I thought about getting a special gift, like some kind of jewelry or something, or maybe just a day out for the two of us. I don't know what to do. I suspect she would be embarrassed to have a party involving friends, but I also think she would love being recognized and doing something with me. Has anyone done anything or do you plan to?


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

No, my DD was 14 when she started and not particularly thrilled about it. Many of her friends had started at 10 and 11. She really wanted it to be a non-issue and so that was what it was. If you think your DD would be happy about celebrating go for it. You'll have a better feel for what she'd like.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Yeah I personally absolutely wanted it to be a non-issue when I started menstruating, back in the Middle Ages.

We definitely have to know our own kids and their feelings on this.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Ive read about people creating gift boxes for their daughters. Things like a variety of products like reuseable and disposable pads, tampons etc, a nice journal and pen, mug for warm drinks, wheat pack, copy of the Red Tent etc.

It's a long way off for us yet but something I would definitely do if I thought my daughters would appreciate it.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Neither of my DDs felt it was something to celebrate or make a fuss over.

I put together a box for each of them with a variety of products so they could try things out and a mirror. (which I found very helpful when first figuring out tampons). I bought bright pretty boxes from Micheals -- the size to store photos. I brought really nice stickers that represented things my DDs liked and let them decorate the outside of the boxes.

These boxes became very private to my DDs and they stores them out of sight. One ended up using it to store supplies in for a long time.

My DDs both love spending time with me, but neither wanted to "celebrate" getting their periods.


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## skreader (Nov 19, 2008)

Nothing special, no big deal. That's what we both felt comfortable with.

We had talked about menstruation on and off for years. I think I got some pads around the time I thought she might begin (so I'd be ready) and also some small tampons then when she started I gave them to her and explained how to put tampons in. I don't even really remember when exactly. She was 12, but I can't even remember if it was spring or winter. She's almost 17 now.


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## lovemylab (Jan 7, 2013)

Probably also depends on the relationship between mom and daughter. I REALLY didn't want to tell my mom because I knew she would make such a fuss! I couldn't reach the pads she had and I didn't want to be obvious and get a stool in the bathroom so I used tp for most of the first day until I realized that wasn't getting me too far. When I told her she made such a big fuss.. She was excited and asked if I had questions and wanted to know if she needed to show me how to place pads and ect.... I just wanted her to reach the box for me and start buying thinner pads. I regretted telling her. I hope my daughter and I are closer as she grows up and she feel at least comfortable talking to me about stuff.


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## k x s (May 16, 2012)

If you do celebrate it please don't follow it up with, 'now you are becoming a woman'. This was the phrase I heard and it horrified me. How could I be a woman at 11? I mean just because I happened to bleed and having menstral cramps?!

I personally think the cute packs some parents put together for there daughters were sweet but not very enviromentally friendly. But if you don't mind you could do that as a activity with her. Like go to the store, explain the differences between pads and tampons and the different absorpencies. Buy a cute pack to keep them in, a calendar and some stickers, buy a heat pack etc or the more enviromentally friendly way could be to make your own pads, tampons or use a menstral cup.

Really depends on what your DD was like but I didnt like the way my parents treated it. My dad was like woohoo your a woman! and my mum was like eh. great.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *lovemylab*
> 
> I hope my daughter and I are closer as she grows up and she feel at least comfortable talking to me about stuff.


Being close to your mom and wanting to talk about this stuff is not the same thing at all. It's private and how a kid responds to it is totally individual. Some will be excited and tell everyone. Others will be ashamed and even try to hide it. Some will be annoyed or barely care.

My best friends DD hid her period starting from her mom for several months. They were incredibly close... like, finish each others sentences close. They talked about everything all the time. But when it came time for that first period, the girl just wasn't ready to share it.

My DD freaked out every time we came even close to talking about it. When she was 12, I took her down the girls aisle to get myself something and just mentioned we should get her some things "just in case" and she started sobbing! She just had a lot of personal anxiety about growing up and the pressures she felt about "being a woman." Pressures she felt about anything that symbolized growing up.... not just her period. Thank goodness she didn't start until 14 because by then, getting her period was just an annoyance and instead, she was crying over the idea of having to choose a college and pick a career. At 16, she's getting excited for the college stuff and actually embracing the notion of being an adult one day soon. She builds things up in her head and ONLY experience can bring on rationality. As private as DD was in the early years, I'm actually pretty shocked at how frank and open she is with me at 16 on very private and personal subjects compared to what my friends are going through with their girls.

Kids are their own people and events will have personal meanings no matter how open and chatty you are on the subject. I don't know how your DD will handle it but please don't assume that if she resists talking to you about it that you guys aren't close!


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## midwifetobe85 (Jan 23, 2012)

I've read about doing things like making care kits, giving special gifts like jewelry, and even arranging a women's circle ceremony with family female elders and other girl friends. The idea always being, this is nothing to be ashamed of - the beginning of your 'womanhood' is something to celebrate. But thinking back on my first period at 14, I don't think it would have suited me. I would've have been mortified in a women's circle and felt generally depressed about it anyway. I knew it signified the end of childhood and honestly didn't feel ready. And I was 14! Girls today seem to be getting their periods younger and younger. So an 11 year old is certainly likely to feel that way. I also felt it was going to major pain to deal with (kind of is...) and I just felt sad about all the ways it might 'get in the way' in the future..(think, co-ed pool party.) My mom is a wonderful person and we are very close, and were then too but she was not exactly a big help. I expressed my sadness/frustration to her (more in tone and body language than articulate words) and she sort of shrugged, saying, "I know, it sucks. But what can you do" I made a mental note not to be so blasé with any future daughters of mine. Really all I wanted was a hug and for her to say, I know your feeling bummed about this, and while in some ways it can be a challenge, once you get used to it, its really not such a big deal. Are there any things in particular you want know?

I think it's probably a hugely individual thing. Just try to be supportive, loving and there for her. Play it by ear. The gift may be a nice idea. I think I wouldn't have objected to that as a means to cheer me and feel like its kind of a special moment. Don't be blade and don't be overly perky and miss the fact that she may not be happy about it. Make sure she knows you're there for her if she needs it.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Dd was 12 when she had her first period. She was upset and did not want to talk about it or have any attention over it at that time. I felt somewhat rejected (but know that it wasn't about me). I did not expect that she would react that way as we talked before many times and are close but it was very different when it was actually happening to her for the first time.

We did get a whole bunch of Chinese food that night- one of her favorite meals- but did not say it was because we were celebrating anything.

I got her different pads to try and dealt with some of her concerns later.

A month or two of periods and she was able to be calmer and would talk but still probably wouldn't want any celebration or fuss.

If you think your dd might like something special, you can have it ready but ask her at the time what she wants from you and don't get disappointed if she doesn't want to do anything.


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## amber3902 (Dec 2, 2011)

It has never occurred to me that my daughter would want to celebrate getting her period. I mean, what's to celebrate,

can't go swimming, cramps, headaches, fatigue.









My DD started when she was 12. I had already explained to her about pads and tampons, and how to use them, so she was pretty prepared.

I seriously doubt she would have wanted a party or a celebration of any kind.

I also explained to her that now she was menstruating, that this meant she could get pregnant if she had sex.

We had already had the sex talk before, but I wanted to remind her again.


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## grethel (Mar 14, 2009)

I happened to get my period for the first time while at a baby shower with all my relatives. I whispered it to my mom, so she could get me a pad -- and she told everyone there! It wasn't the most horrible thing in the world, but it was rather embarrassing. For that reason, I didn't make a big deal of my daughter's first. But she has a personality where she doesn't mind talking to me about those kinds of things, and we had already had all kinds of discussions about it and I had given her a bag of different types of protection and shown her how to use them. I knew from her personality that she wouldn't be embarrassed and she wasn't -- but still we made it matter of fact, with no sappy "becoming a woman" stuff.


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## Kamiro (Sep 3, 2011)

I plan on making some special 'teen cloth' pads and giving a very special journal and pen..maybe some chocolates


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *k x s*
> 
> I personally think the cute packs some parents put together for there daughters were sweet but not very enviromentally friendly. But if you don't mind you could do that as a activity with her. Like go to the store, explain the differences between pads and tampons and the different absorpencies. Buy a cute pack to keep them in, a calendar and some stickers, buy a heat pack etc or the more enviromentally friendly way could be to make your own pads, tampons or use a menstral cup.
> 
> Really depends on what your DD was like ...


You are responding to me. My intent was not to be "cute" but to let my DDs figure out what sort of products they liked and what worked for them. I find the idea of looking as boxes of feminine hygiene supplies as a way to figure out what actually works for you to be a bit -- unrealistic. They are sealed boxes. These are very personal items. No one can tell from looking at boxes what the product is like or how it works for them. Or even knows right off the bat how heavy they will flow, or how often, or..... anything.

Second, neither of my DD wanted to spend ANY time on "The Aisle," much less having a public conversation about absorbances or tampons with applicators vs. tampons without them. (BTW, both my DDs were swimming competitively when they got their first periods, so how to continue going to swim practice was big issue).

Putting it all in cute box was just trying to take the sting out of something that neither of my DDs was the least bit happy about. They liked having little girl bodies -- they think women's bodies are a bit ...... high maintenance with tremendous potential for being embarrassing.

I've talked to both my DDs about cloth pads, sea sponges, and cups, and neither are interested in those options at this time. I feel this is a DEEPLY personal decision and feel that real damage could be done to a young woman's feelings towards her body and her relationship with her mother by forcing an option that was not what the daughter wanted.

For me, this was all about Control -- giving my DD's all of it that I could. Their biggest concerns were how to go about there lives as though nothing had changed, how to handle changing and disposing of things when away from home, how to never have a leak, and how to keep this information as private as possible.

A few products did get wasted - but not many. Partly because I'm not picky about what I use!

Also, I think there is a big difference between a desire for privacy and being ashamed. I think that sometimes this issue get stated that if a young woman doesn't want to chat about her new periods with all her mom's friends, then she's ashamed. I don't agree with that -- I think that a desire to keep some information private is very reasonable and can be quite healthy.


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## Homeopathy Mom (Feb 20, 2007)

My daughter was 11-1/2 when she had her first period. We celebrated by going out to eat at her favorite restaurant, just the two of us. We had already talked about it, so she knew it was coming. I just didn't know it would be so soon. I was nearly 14 before I started. My mom didn't really talk to me about it at all. I learned from a session we had at school and books that they gave us. I wanted a more open relationship with my daughter, and fortunately we have that. She's 23 now.


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## Mirzam (Sep 9, 2002)

Both of my two would have been mortified if I had made a big deal out of it, so "Congrats" were said and that was about it. DD#2 didn't get her first period until she was 15, and only told me the day afterwards because she needed more supplies - I had bought her pads and tampons a couple of years prior expecting it to come sooner, so they were long lost. I am not even sure she would have mentioned it had I not talked to her about it the day before. It was no big deal for her at that age. My old DD was younger (12 3/4) but then never got another one until she was 14 and I can't even remember her bringing it up, save for asking for tampons, she's 22 now so it was a while ago.


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## shinybutton (May 30, 2003)

I plan to explain to my daughter that when she has a period, it's like her body has begun to make a nest inside her body, for the eggs she will begin to release each month. When the period comes, it's just the body sweeping away the nest, and then she will build a new one for the next egg. Her body will practice making nests every month, until one day she and her husband will decide it's time to have a baby. Then the egg can be fertilized and then it might, God willing, stay in the nest for the next 40 weeks to become a baby.

I got my period at 13 and my ears pierced at 14. I may decide to tie the events together, saying she can get her ears pierced when she starts her period. I know she'll be excited about that, so it may soften the blow of what I expect to be a miserably painful time. In both my family and my husbands family, the cramps are insane! Thanking God for ibuprophen!


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## Kamiro (Sep 3, 2011)

Above all else you gotta go with what works for your individual DD!


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

We celebrated together and I let my dd choose the pads she liked best and a pretty little purse to keep them in at school. There is never going to be a day when we use reusable pads so I had no problem with buying a cute kit of my child's choosing and I continue to buy the products she likes.


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## lovemylab (Jan 7, 2013)

It probably depends on if your child goes to school or homeschooled but I remember in gym class we had learnt about periods and everything before I had my period, which was 12. My mom missed the boat on all those conversations.

Thinking about the ideal way to "celebrate", give me two advils and a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream with a romantic comedy! That sounds like a good day to me.


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## CookiePie (Jan 9, 2009)

DD was 11. She couldn't wait to get it, she was so excited. I took her to the out for hot chocolate! She loved it. She is a much different kid than me, I didn't even tell my Mom!


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## redheather (Aug 20, 2011)

I must say I am saddened by an overall downer note in many of these posts. It IS a "big deal" to begin menstruating. For one thing you can never go back. But more than that it is a time of power and potential coming into a girl's body. Our daughters do need us to celebrate them, but of course in a way that honors them and is not all about us.

I wonder if girls, and their moms, are speaking from a place of long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment about women's bodies. After all, this culture seeks to sanitize and erase all trace of menstruation, down to miniature insertable pads that can be discreetly flushed away (which are admittedly good for swimming). But periods are not just a time of suffering and inconvenience, they are the evidence of a woman's ability to create the human race. Wow. And yes, they get in the way too, but so do other bodily functions that we seem to take in stride. When they are a source of suffering, something needs attention: more Magnesium? Abdominal massage? Serious hormonal balancing? It doesn't have to be a time of hidden suffering.

My personal experience with menarche is when I got my period I was at school and it was just my secret for one day, and I felt as if I had truly stepped through a portal, a personal rite of passage. That feeling has been more important to me than anything that followed.

When I did tell my mother she said, "Your body is like mine. We both started at the same age." I loved that. It was a bond between us. Very simple, but important.

I agree that it is a very personal matter for each girl, but we need to keep checking in with our daughters. Ask them how we can support them. Something celebratory is totally appropriate, if we can balance it with the discretion our individual daughters need. A friend of mine's father brought home steaks that night. Her brothers never knew why, which is what she wanted, but she still felt seen and honored.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Our daughter was almost 11. She got her first period on spring vacation. We took her out for a big steak dinner and bought her a real piece of "red" jewelry to mark the occasion. She remembers this night fondly.

And no, I don't push the use of any particular product. I use cloth pads only at night, they feel like diapers to me during the day. We have a source for disposable organic cotton pads at our food co=op and those suit us just fine.


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## KimPossible129 (Mar 9, 2007)

My daughter just turned 13, and started menstruating 4 months ago. She was well prepared, by mommy (who is a nurse). I am surprised that it was as anti-climactic as it was. I was not even home, she was home with daddy, did what she had to do, and casually told me (when I got home) that she had something to show me. After that, I believe I said (in a question-like manner) "congratulations?". I did not shout it from the rooftops, or post it on facbook or anything absurd like that. She did NOT want my husband to know, she said I could tell grandma (who probably cried) and of course she shared it with grandpa (who really did not want to know).

While I do believe it is a biological and emotional milestone, I didn't feel any need for celebration. No dinner, no card, no present. She didn't see it as a celebration-worthy event. I followed her very matter-of-fact lead. We already had supplies; I just made sure she had enough in her schoolbag now, and we discussed the important things (like hygiene related to it), underwear issues, pants, etc. I reminded her that I am here for any questions (as she knows I always have been). We are very close, so It's not as cold as some may seem. But when you have a medical background, it's easier to get right to the point, and what you are saying (about pregnancy, STDs, etc) is more objective and not as preachy.

While she knew what it was, she really didn't know what it really was. I told her that it means *physiologically* (not emotionally or financially or in any other way) that your body is preparing for motherhood. The thought of that actually made her cringe (she is into boys, but not nearly that much). To validate that, 2 weeks later, we needed to go to the doctor for a respiratory illness, and they wanted a chest X-Ray, and they asked the big question (last menstrual period). They explained (in a very age-appropriate way) why they need to do a urine sample. I elaborated, and her reply to me was "Mom, I can look you straight in the eye and tell you I am NOT pregnant".

I did reply "welcome to womanhood."

By the second month, she was tired of it. I couldn't help but laugh.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *redheather*
> 
> I must say I am saddened by an overall downer note in many of these posts. It IS a "big deal" to begin menstruating....
> 
> I wonder if girls, and their moms, are speaking from a place of long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment about women's bodies.










Since you didn't bother to quote anyone, I've no idea if you are referring to my posts or not.

I'm not speaking from "long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment" and my DDs have been raised in an extremely counter cultural way. Most of the teens discussed on this board were not raised in mainstream families.

The OPer asked what other mothering.com moms have done and how that worked out, and we've talked about it.

I find your comment a bit like someone who has never cared for a baby 24/7 talking about how nighttime parenting *should* work out. You haven't BTDT, so the fact that you think my DDs other other young women should be all excited about their body's ability to get pregnant when they are 12 and they really just want to go swimming and not mess with a period is just.....

uninformed.

My DDs don't want to create the human race. They want to go to grad school. They want to build things, have published books, go to Comic-Con. They've got goals and dreams and making babies is so, so far away and neither of them see the point of having the ability to do that right now. (One of my DDs also doesn't see the point of breasts.) If they could have put off starting their periods for a decade or two, that would have been just fine with them.

This isn't analogous to other bodily functions because there isn't anything else our bodies do FOR YEARS that don't serve a purpose *for us.* We have decades of periods when most of us end up wanting a couple of kids. Its really not an efficient system.

If you have younger children and want to come to this board to LEARN, awesome. Otherwise, please don't say that we -- who were tandem nursing when you were..... (what were you doing 15 years ago?) are ashamed of our bodies or have raised our daughters to be. It is very insulting.








Until you explain to your DD how to use a tampon so that she can go to a swim meet or how to handle the possibility of her period starting while on a backpack trip with school, you are just talking about how *YOU* feel about menstruating, not about how to raise a strong, confident young woman. Part of the reason that periods are such a PITA for my DDs is because they choose to do such awesome things with their bodies. If they were just sitting around, wishing they could make babies, I'm sure they would have felt far more excited about it.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What a wonderful response, Linda.


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## redheather (Aug 20, 2011)

Linda on the Move and Polliwog,

I did not quote anyone because I was not referring to any one poster in particular. I was responding to a feeling of my own that came after reading everything together.

Since you asked, 15 years ago I was doing the things it seems like you would want for your daughter. In my case I worked and paid my own way across Europe, India and Nepal, all while menstruating. I was young and terribly determined to do this all with cloth pads, and I did it. I rinsed pads out in huts and watched the moon to see what my cycles were doing. For me, and just me, this felt empowering. I was crystal clear that I did not want to reproduce the human race at that time.

Uninformed? I've been menstruating for 26 years, have discussed it with countless girlfriends and mothers, and have sat in moon lodges. I think am as "informed" as any others in this way. And I have a daughter. True, she is only 4 but I am already conscious of raising her to be a confident woman. It does not wait until she begins menstruating. She knows what "moon blood" is because we all share a bathroom. And yeah, she will probably want privacy around the issue and I will absolutely honor that. But being connected with her body and the rhythms of the Earth is what I'm talking about.

A sadness at this loss. Not a finger pointed.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *redheather*
> 
> I was doing the things it seems like you would want for your daughter.
> 
> Uninformed? I've been menstruating for 26 years, have discussed it with countless girlfriends and mothers, and have sat in moon lodges. I think am as "informed" as any others in this way. And I have a daughter. True, *she is only 4* but I am already conscious of raising her to be a confident woman.


The things I listed were not I want for my daughters, but *what they want for themselves.* Really, really, really big difference. Huge difference. That you don't get that there is a difference is part of why your posts annoy me.

None of this is about me. At our house, we are past the "what mommy wants for your life" stage.

You've decided your truth and what you think your DD's truth *should* be. But that isn't how it works. Adolescents get to decide their own truth, and giving them space to do that is part of raising strong young women is about.

An attitude of "hey, I figured all this out before you your born and this is the deal" won't work when you have an actual teenager, not if you want to have any sort of decent relationship with her, and not if you want her to find her own strength.

An attitude of "none of this is a big deal because I used cloth while sleeping in huts" will not be helpful to your DD at that stage of her life when this is A VERY BIG DEAL. Its as absurd as a mother reassuring her child on the first day of kindergarten that its nothing to get worked up over since mom once went off to college. When our children are experiencing things for the first time, its a big deal for them. And it really is about them, not us and what we've done in our lives.

This is a huge transition, and you only know what it is like to be on the other side of that transition. *The parenting side is about how to get our DDs through the transition as well as possible,* which does not include preaching about how they *should* feel about the whole thing.

The "this is all so great because some day you can reproduce the world" will not get you very far with your DD when she is 12 if you have raised her to have sense of herself. Its a crap thing to tell a child who just wants to have their own life.

My DD knew what periods were when they were toddlers. They've known how babies are made since you were off backpacking. You really don't have a monopoly on having an open relationship with your DD. That really doesn't make this a breeze. It would be nice if it did, but it doesn't.

I suspect responding to you is a waste of my time since you believe you already know all the answers. I hope you do a better job listening to your daughter than you do to listening to more experienced moms.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *redheather*
> 
> I wonder if girls, and their moms, are speaking from a place of long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment about women's bodies.


No. We came from a place of practicality. It's common in the early years to see your children as sort of "blank slates" that will respond to the world exactly how you teach them too. I'm here to tell you that they don't lol. They are born with their own personalities and tendencies. They change as they grow. They surprise you with choices and reactions you didn't expect. They can push you away and pull you close at the oddest times. You can do everything "right" and still get the "wrong" reaction from your child. It's our job to help them function and thrive in the world based on who they are... not who we are.


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> The things I listed were not I want for my daughters, but *what they want for themselves.* Really, really, really big difference. Huge difference. That you don't get that there is a difference is part of why your posts annoy me.
> 
> ...


Great post!

As I posted in this thread before my dd did not react at all how I thought she would despite having an open and close relationship with no shame over periods and no mainstream upbringing.

I totally agree that from the parenting side you have to do what is right for your dd at the time and not what you think it should be or tell them how to feel about it.

My dd is not experiencing and responding to her period just like I did, so it doesn't matter that I have had a period for 26 years or how I feel about my period right now. She is her own person. If she comes to feel this body function is empowering for her that is nice, but if she views it as something that just happens then that is fine too. If she thinks it is annoying and hates it every month then that is her experience and I don't think I have a right to try to convince her that she is wrong to feel that way.

I think empowering our young women is respecting their experience is their own and allowing them to honestly feel how they feel.


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## redheather (Aug 20, 2011)

Ok Ladies,

If you reread my original post there is not one "should" in there. I also begin the most controversial phrase with "I wonder if," not "this is how it is." Please, a little patience and diplomacy will go much further here. I feel like one or two points get extracted from context, while other points get ignored, and the former become tar-and-feathering moments.

As far as having a monopoly on an open relationship with our daughters, it sounds like the "experienced moms" are claiming this. Yet I think even a woman without any children of her own can still have amazing insights that are useful to us all.

Is it possible to challenge each other in a more discussion-oriented way? I feel like the mothering.community is a place to "come and have your ass handed to you." I wish it were a little gentler.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I too find it sad that so many people on this board don't celebrate such a big milestone and that there is such a big backlash against a poster who is trying to portray a positive image of menstruating to her child. That is probably because I have a mother who portrayed menstruation as positive, despite it being an excruciating experience for her due to endometriosis and migraines, and who was able to balance passing on her values while also listening to mine and encouraging me to discover who I was. There are many things I wish my mother had done differently but helping me embrace my body and my own belief system is something she excelled at because she didn't get mired down in dwelling on the bad side of bodies or the drawbacks of having a teenager discovering who they are by rejecting parental beliefs.

If a celebration isn't what your child wants then of course you shouldn't do it, but many of the posts seem to be saying there is nothing to celebrate because periods suck and it seems that the girls in question aren't being asked what their viewpoint is. How is this any worse than a new mom passing on her values to her child in the hopes that she will view menstruation and her body as a positive thing someday? I doubt that she is naive enough to believe her child will blindly accept all her beliefs any more than those of you who teach your child about religion, organic living, or nonviolence are naive enough to believe your child will always embrace your beliefs. She is simply providing another viewpoint. I think her points are valid and obviously hit a nerve with many since there is such a strong backlash against them.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Planning on it.  DD just turned 13 and AF hasn't come yet. I started at 12. DD's best friend started earlier this year. We made her up a "red bag" and her friend really liked it. DD was so excited about the idea and so I know that we will do something. She started thinking of lots of ideas after creating the red bag for her friend.

Amy


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## skreader (Nov 19, 2008)

Hi Redheather,

Menstruating for the first time was/is a big deal for you, but NOT for me, and not for my daughter.

I am not ashamed or disgusted by menstruation; I see it as a normal physiological process. In addition to menstruating, I also sweat, urinate, defecate and (in the past) lactated. My eyes exude tears and and my ears, ear wax. I clear phlegm from from my throat and regularly blow snot from my nose. I am not ashamed of any of it (although in the interests of hygiene and privacy, I deal with most of those fluids and solids out of the public view) .

At times, I am awed by the miracle that all these things work and keep me healthy. When I first menstruated, I was interested and tested both the fluid and my own body's reaction to menstruation, but truly, I did not (and do not) feel it is a bigger deal for me than the fact that I pee regularly. That is my experience and my truth. Just as I respect that it IS a big deal to you, please respect my and my daughter's experience of thinking it is/was no big deal.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *redheather*
> 
> I must say I am saddened by an overall downer note in many of these posts. It IS a "big deal" to begin menstruating. For one thing you can never go back. But more than that it is a time of power and potential coming into a girl's body. Our daughters do need us to celebrate them, but of course in a way that honors them and is not all about us.
> 
> I wonder if girls, and their moms, are speaking from a place of long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment about women's bodies.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *redheather*
> 
> As far as having a monopoly on an open relationship with our daughters, it sounds like the "experienced moms" are claiming this. Yet I think even a woman without any children of her own can still have amazing insights that are useful to us all.


It's not that the experienced moms are the only ones who can claim connection to their daughter, but they've been through this particular issue and we haven't, so telling them their way of handing it is sad can come across as pretty disrespectful or dismissive (even after explaining it further.) I agree that any woman can have amazing insights, but I also hear where Linda and others are coming from. I'm a pretty earthy-birthy lady and my young kids already know about menstruation and normal birth... that doesn't mean they will feel the same way I do. It took me years and lots of life experience to feel how I do about menstruation. I was never ashamed but I was not happy about it either.


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## here we are (Sep 17, 2012)

I am interested in this conversation, as I imagine my child to be being born soon ,&ALL that is to come. I also have had a struggle with endometriosis, & tried very hard for so long to become pregnant, though it was glass shattering pain. It is so personal. I still have to wonder about my relationship with bleeding so much....anyway jot sure how much i have to share tonight. I am already worrying my daughter could have endo also, it makes me feel a little guilty, as I sometimes feel angry that I had to inherit it also...It influences my view on the subject so much.


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## erigeron (Oct 29, 2010)

I wasn't nuts about the way my mom handled menarche or how she helped me choose/use menstrual products--she was so low-key as to basically not be involved at all. I didn't want a huge, big fuss, but I would have liked a little more acknowledgment than I got. My daughter is still a toddler, so I'm taking notes for the future here. I do want to follow her cues on the matter when she gets older. I really like the idea of a box of different products. I also think that the freedom to choose reusables or disposables shouldn't be taken lightly. I knew a mom who was homeschooling her 8 yo and she was adamant that the little girl would use a menstrual cup once she started her period. I mean, the homeschooling part does remove the "trying to change a menstrual cup in a high school bathroom" aspect, but seriously, the idea of strongly pushing/forcing that choice on her daughter is pretty disturbing to me.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I appreciate both sides of this conversation, including the input from moms whose kids are younger yet. We've all been through it on the other side, anyway.

I know I didn't want any acknowledgement at all, and would have rather just disappeared and had it all go away, but I know my daughter is very intersted in the changes she's going through and I think would like some kind of acknowledgement, though I'm sure nothing at all public - just something between us. I will make sure to continue reading her signals though as it gets closer.

Thanks, everyone!


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## homzcool (May 26, 2005)

I relate to posts by red heather & one_girl.
My mom didn't talk to me about these things at all. I have five children of my own ranging in age from 26 to 7 years old. I grew up around women & girls who mostly whined & complained about their periods. No one in my environment voiced anything positive whatsoever about this feminine experience. I was excited to have my first period when I was twelve years old. I would have enjoyed celebrating with others in some way. I felt grateful that my body was doing what a healthy woman's body does. I felt a connection to other women, the rhythms of nature & the wonderful possibilities of motherhood in my future. I experienced the various discomforts & inconveniences associated with menstruation, but overall I felt happy to experience it, so I embraced it. I am grateful to have daughters to share it with. My oldest daughter introduced me to the menstral cup. We have laughed together about our cycles syncing up. My youngest daughter looks forward to having her first period & celebrating it in some way. I am 48 years old now, and realize that menopause is not far away. It will be a bittersweet change for me. For now I am happy to have a monthly reminder that I am fertile & a part of natures rhythms.


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## k x s (May 16, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *k x s*
> 
> If you do celebrate it please don't follow it up with, 'now you are becoming a woman'. This was the phrase I heard and it horrified me. How could I be a woman at 11? I mean just because I happened to bleed and having menstrual cramps?!
> 
> ...


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> Neither of my DDs felt it was something to celebrate or make a fuss over.
> 
> ...


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> You are responding to me. My intent was not to be "cute" but to let my DDs figure out what sort of products they liked and what worked for them. I find the idea of looking as boxes of feminine hygiene supplies as a way to figure out what actually works for you to be a bit -- unrealistic. They are sealed boxes. These are very personal items. No one can tell from looking at boxes what the product is like or how it works for them. Or even knows right off the bat how heavy they will flow, or how often, or..... anything.
> 
> ...


Well I wasn't directly responding I just went on a tangent of my own.









I never thought about it being embarrassing to go down the aisle because me and my mom argued in there about what we were buying this month all the time and it wasn't really something that was very private in our house either. I think going to an all girls school helped with this too (everyone loved to complain that they couldn't do sport because they had there period) so its a little bit tricky for me to get how you would want to be private about it but each to there own.

I introduced my sister to them because she came home one day and said her friend had got her period but no one had any sanitary items to give her so they had to wait in the bathroom until a senior walked in with some. So I asked if she would like to make a cute little pack that she could keep in her school bag in case she got it there. So I took her to the shop and explained which ones I thought were good and why and we bought a couple of different ones to try. Some obviously woudn't be appropiate because she was petite like me and I knew they wouldn't fit. (pads that is) At the time they had a youth range.

Its only now that I'm more environmentally aware and think that those are viable options to introduce too. I didn't mean to imply they should be the only choices. Its just I didn't know at the time and now I'm more aware I would introduce them too and maybe push them a bit more because although at first they are more annoying to get used to if you get used to them when you are young you would save a lot of money and landfill. Even if you used them part of the time like at home.

I think celebrating a period is overkill but maintaining a weird air of secrecy like some of my friends. I question whether they are really comfortable with it. In the end each to there own. (not responding just summarising my opinion to the question.)


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## revolting (Sep 10, 2010)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *amber3902*
> 
> I also explained to her that now she was menstruating, that this meant she could get pregnant if she had sex.
> 
> We had already had the sex talk before, but I wanted to remind her again.


Not that it matters for your family anymore, but I think it's important for girls to know that they can get pregnant before they have their first period. (The first time she ovulates will precede the first time she menstruates.)


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## mom2mygirls (Nov 10, 2002)

I didnt do anything special with my daughter it was just another day.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *One_Girl*
> 
> it seems that *the girls in question aren't being asked what their viewpoint is.* How is this any worse than a new mom passing on her values to her child in the hopes that she will view menstruation and her body as a positive thing someday? I doubt that she is naive enough to believe her child will blindly accept all her beliefs any more than those of you who teach your child about religion, organic living, or nonviolence are naive enough to believe your child will always embrace your beliefs. She is simply providing another viewpoint. I think her points are valid and obviously hit a nerve with many since there is such a strong backlash against them.


no, you've got it wrong. Very very wrong. After more than a decade of attachment parenting and gentle discipline, we long time mothering.com moms did not suddenly stop paying attention to what our children needed and suddenly decide to make it about us. Instead, we approached our daughters' menstruation the way we approached everything else in parenting, by paying attention to our sweet children and listening to them and providing what they seemed to need at the time. We practiced APing in this new phase.

The divide on this thread is mostly between moms who have been through this with their daughters, and women who have not played the role of mother in this transition.

The OPer didn't ask what our views were on menstruation or if we prefer reusable products to disposable. It wasn't a poll about whether menstruation is positive, negative, or neutral. It was a parenting question. And those of us who've talked about it as a parenting question have been told that our posts are "sad" by people who have never been through this parenting stage.

Yet so many posters have reported that the didn't even tell their own moms when they got their first periods. Those of us who have daughters who vented their unhappiness with this change or wanted the changed to not be marked are the moms who had created relationships where adolescent girls knew they could be f*cking honest.

If that honesty makes you sad, then it is your own DDs who will eventual pay the price. Stay on your high road and tell your DD how she should fell about everything, and then you can end up as one of the moms who doesn't know what is going on with your daughter.

It is no small thing to create a relationship with an adolescent girl where she can be honest. And there's nothing sad about it.


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## chickabiddy (Jan 30, 2004)

I followed my daughter's lead. She was not ashamed or embarrassed, but she was certainly not inclined to celebrate. I had made sure she had pads of her choice well before menarche.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> no, you've got it wrong. Very very wrong. After more than a decade of attachment parenting and gentle discipline, we long time mothering.com moms did not suddenly stop paying attention to what our children needed and suddenly decide to make it about us. Instead, we approached our daughters' menstruation the way we approached everything else in parenting, by paying attention to our sweet children and listening to them and providing what they seemed to need at the time. We practiced APing in this new phase.
> 
> ...


I actually have been through my dd planning her celebration for her period (which she did a year before starting it when I told her about my first period, being scared, and my mom taking us all out to tcby), starting her period, the mix of emotions, following her desire to have a more low key celebration, going over different product features, the conversations about tampons (which she is choosing not to use yet so she just misses swim team when her period comes), etc... She is so far a very happy person who decides things for herself. I also think that some of what redheather said is important to consider when choosing as a parent whether to initiate a conversation about whether your child would like to celebrate their first period in some way. I think that our society as a whole treats periods in a very sad way because it is such an embarrassing thing for girls even when they are raised in a family that embraces MDC values and womanhood and having conversations on the topic of society and menstruation has been very helpful for my dd who has heard some demeaning things from a few mothers about her menstruating. Being able to understand the societal context and knowing that her doctor and family think that society is wrong seems to have helped her. And while some of the posts on this thread do speak about following a child's cues there are also some that speak to not doing that. I still believe that it is wrong not to take your child's opinion into account and I have to wonder why you find that so offensive if you are actually all that happy with how things worked out with your kids since it sounds like you did take their opinions into account.

I really don't understand the idea that passing on an opinion about something being a positive thing at a young age (be it menstruation, not hurting people, doing well in school, whatever) to a child means that you are forcing ideas on them. I guess you older mothering.com mamas must never tell your child anything that isn't neutral. I have no idea how to never voice an opinion on any subject in front of my child, it isn't in my nature, but kudos to you for figuring that one out! I am going to stick with occasionally telling my dd my opinion and making sure I listen to hers and encourage her to be her own person and see how that works. So far its what works for us and seems to excite my dd since she also likes having an opinion and loves a good debate.


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## homzcool (May 26, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *One_Girl*
> 
> I actually have been through my dd planning her celebration for her period (which she did a year before starting it when I told her about my first period, being scared, and my mom taking us all out to tcby), starting her period, the mix of emotions, following her desire to have a more low key celebration, going over different product features, the conversations about tampons (which she is choosing not to use yet so she just misses swim team when her period comes), etc... She is so far a very happy person who decides things for herself. I also think that some of what redheather said is important to consider when choosing as a parent whether to initiate a conversation about whether your child would like to celebrate their first period in some way. I think that our society as a whole treats periods in a very sad way because it is such an embarrassing thing for girls even when they are raised in a family that embraces MDC values and womanhood and having conversations on the topic of society and menstruation has been very helpful for my dd who of heard some demeaning things from a few mothers about her menstruating. Being able to understand the societal context and knowing that her doctor and family think that society is wrong seems to have helped her. And while some of the posts on this thread do speak about following a child's cues there are also some that speak to not doing that. I still believe that it is wrong not to take your child's opinion into account and I have to wonder why you find that so offensive if you are actually all that happy with how things worked out with your kids since it sounds like you did take their opinions into account.
> 
> I really don't understand the idea that passing on an opinion about something being a positive thing at a young age (be it menstruation, not hurting people, doing well in school, whatever) to a child means that you are forcing ideas on them. I guess you older mothering.com mamas must never tell your child anything that isn't neutral. I have no idea how to never voice an opinion on any subject in front of my child, it isn't in my nature, but kudos to you for figuring that one out! I am going to stick with occasionally telling my dd my opinion and making sure I listen to hers and encourage her to be her own person and see how that works. So far its what works for us and seems to excite my dd since she also likes having an opinion and loves a good debate.


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## homzcool (May 26, 2005)

Well said one_girl! I have gone through this transition with my oldest daughter (21yrs), & also have a younger daughter (7yrs). I do not think experience= leverage to invalidate the feelings & opinions of others who have not experienced it. Kudos to those who have remained graceful in their responses on this topic!


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## amber3902 (Dec 2, 2011)

If the OP's daughter wants to celebrate getting her first period, that's fine. To me, it's no big deal. It's kinda like graduation celebrations for kindergarten or sports were everyone gets a trophy.

I just don't understand the concept of celebrating getting a period. Like I said before, I don't see what there is to celebrate. Yeah, period DO suck, BIG time. Tell me one good thing about a period, and spare me the whole "becoming a woman" crap. They are nothing but a huge inconvience and a PITA, and that's not "society" telling me how to think, that's how I feel.

To me, it's far more important to teach my daughter what the periods mean, how she can get pregnant and the importance of safe sex.

But that's not to say my way is right and the way others handle this is wrong. It's a free country and anyone can celebrate anything they want to. I was just offering my two cents.

However, I do have to agree with Redheather, that at times posting on this forum can be like entering the lion's den. Maybe we should agree to disagree a little more.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 


> I really don't understand the idea that passing on an opinion about something being a positive thing at a young age (be it menstruation, not hurting people, doing well in school, whatever) to a child means that you are forcing ideas on them.


I don't think there is anything wrong with passing on an opinion about something being positive. However, at the point when it is no longer about us and our opinions, but about what our daughters have decided for themselves based on their own life experiences, it's really a mute point.

There really is a difference is talking about what one thinks and what one plans VS talking about how one's child experienced something. A lot of young women can easily come to the conclusion that menstruation is a PITA, not because of society or shame or anything of that, just because of the pragmatics. And their moms telling them how wonderful it is to be a woman really doesn't figure in.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

i started at 10. i have dd prepared.

i also have a plan. a plan which i figure dd would like. i have a party planned for her. she loves rituals and close meaningful parties.

i kinda have planned a red tent thing. getting a few of my close friends together to welcome dd into her new journey. not to really celebrate her periods. but actually to let her know these are the women i trust and these are the adults i'd like her to go ask questions about stuff she cant ask me - boyfriend issues, sex. i hope she will talk to me. she does. but just to be safe i'd like her to know whom she can go to.

however ONLY if she wants it. if she is anything like me it might take her a couple fo months to get used to her bleeding. i got a lot of cramps. so depending on how she feels we might just celebrate with her favourite dinner. of course that is if she starts at my home and not at her dad's.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

Please remember to give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you need clarification, ask for it. Don't assume to understand someone elses motivations, and above all else, please keep the discussion respectful. Thank you!


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## midwifetobe85 (Jan 23, 2012)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *redheather*
> 
> I must say I am saddened by an overall downer note in many of these posts. It IS a "big deal" to begin menstruating. For one thing you can never go back. But more than that it is a time of power and potential coming into a girl's body. Our daughters do need us to celebrate them, but of course in a way that honors them and is not all about us.
> 
> ...


No I don't think this is it. As I said in my earlier post, for me I was grieving for my childhood - not ashamed at what my body was doing. My mom did a great job installing a sense of pride in being a woman and loving my body. But for me, menarche did not feel joyous. I noticed one woman's post above where her 11 year old was exited about and they went out for hot chocolate. I think that's lovely that some girls, like her and you, experience it in a positive light. But I would caution you to let your DD take the lead. Ask her how she feels about It first. She may not want to celebrate if she experiences it as a loss, not a gain.


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## alaskanmomma (May 25, 2011)

My daughter is still too young to really entertain this thought, but my mom tried making a big deal out of it, and it just embarrassed me more than anything.. I guess if your daughter would be embarrassed by attention focused on her period than I wouldn't do more than make sure the cabinet is stocked of feminine hygiene products and let her know she can ask you anything. If you think she'd be ok having a special day because she's gotten her period now, I think a girls day could be lovely


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## redhotmama (Nov 7, 2005)

I LOVE your (redheather) tone and agree with your point of view. My DD is surfing through the beginnings of puberty right now. It feels as sacred as my labor with her. I love it and I love her and I love being a woman.


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## Wildflower (Nov 25, 2001)

I would like to start making my daughter a special gift box/basket to have ready when that day comes. Hopefully she and I can do something special together of her choice as well, but if we happen to be in a hectic week or whatnot I want to have a memorable and useful gift all prepared so they day doens't go unmarked,either to present her with with a big hug if she seems jubilant or to leave on her bed for her is she seems like she wants privacy. Here's my ideas--pretty please help brainstorm with me..?

~ piece of jewelry--I've head of people using red related jewlery like ruby earrings or some such but I am going to try to find her something with a moonstone. Not only are they lovely and inexpensive, my daughter loves the thought of the connection of our bodies to the moon's cycles...

~~a moon calender--you know the poster that shows all the moon cycles?

~assortment of supplies, cloth and eco-brand disposiable

~some herbal teas and tinctures for common pms symptoms and women's health (suggestion...?)

~a good book--some great read on a related theme, I was thinking about something like The Red Tent but it's been years since I read that, probably too mature? Does anyone have suggestions for good alternative type novels with coming of age/getting your period theme? If I can't think of the perfect one I'll do a blank journal instead, or maybe a copy of something like Christine Northrup's Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom...?

~~decadent chocolates

~~maybe something nice to wear in a dark color for those days, like a few dark colored long flowy skirts

--what else......?


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## mumm (May 23, 2004)

My oldest daughter is only 10 so we are not there yet, but I've been saying she can't pierce her ears until she has her period. She is a slob who doesn't really care to shower, brush teeth, etc. I figure if she can handle keeping herself clean with her period she can handle the necessary cleanliness involved with keeping ears cleaned until they heal up.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mumm*
> 
> My oldest daughter is only 10 so we are not there yet, but I've been saying she can't pierce her ears until she has her period. She is a slob who doesn't really care to shower, brush teeth, etc. I figure if she can handle keeping herself clean with her period she can handle the necessary cleanliness involved with keeping ears cleaned until they heal up.


Getting her period will not magically grant her cleanliness, it will just take her current problem to a whole new level.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

so i had an interesting experience yesterday.

which took away all the romantic notions of starting periods.

dd thought she started yesterday and she kinda freaked out. this is a child who has known about it since she was 2.

so i am putting the mementoes idea on the backburner for the moment, and instead am concentrating on logistics, knowledge, practicalities.

i realise that while dd knows the plumbing details she is not aware of exactly what to do at the moment it happens and what that will emotionally mean to her.

i am not sure if first menstruation is going to be a celebration in our house. that will come later. and if dd also inherits the pain that my mom and i went through, it might end up never being a celebration.


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## mumm (May 23, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> Getting her period will not magically grant her cleanliness, it will just take her current problem to a whole new level.


You are right. But the passing of years will.


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## amber3902 (Dec 2, 2011)

I hope this does not come off as rude or disrepectful, but I'm still can't understand how any woman who has gone through the agony of a period herself would want to celebrate their daughter getting a period.

My period were horrible. Every month, I endured painful cramps, I threw up and I used to miss days from school because of my period. We had swimming at school and every month I had to sit out, very embrassing because everyone knew WHY you had to sit out.

Had my mother thrown a party or celebrated in any other way me getting my period, I would have felt she deceived me. Celebrations and parties are for *happy* occasions, not for things that cause you so much pain and inconveince every month. Really, is there ANY TIME you've gotten a period that was a happy occasion for you? And I'm not talking about the times you found out you weren't pregnant.

Had my mother thrown me a party I would have felt like she lied to me, leading me to believe a period is such a great thing. I would have been very mad at her.

I don't mean to be harsh, but still I have to caution any mother who is thinking about celebrating her daughter getting her period. Your daughter may come back to you a couple of months later and say "Mom, why did you throw a party for me for getting my period, when they're nothing but a PITA? You made me think it was going to be a good thing but it's not!"

I'm not saying you can't raise your child the way you want to, or you can't throw them a party. I'm just saying think about what kind of message you are telling your daughter when you throw a celebration for something as horrible as periods can be. She's not thinking about "becoming a woman" she's thinking about - now I can't go swimming and now I have to deal with these horrible cramps!!

Just my two cents, for what's it worth.


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## erigeron (Oct 29, 2010)

To be entirely fair, some women have only mild pain or no pain with their periods, and most women can still swim during them if they wear a tampon. It does sound like some people in this thread are happy to get periods because they feel connected to the earth, other women, or what have you. Personally, excluding times I didn't want to be pregnant, I have never been thrilled to get a period, but I haven't been bummed either (excluding times I did want to be pregnant, of course). I take your point about it not necessarily being something to celebrate, but I do think we can celebrate the transition the girl is going through without necessarily making it out like the actual fact of menstruating is something awesome and thrilling for everyone.


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## amber3902 (Dec 2, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *erigeron*
> 
> I do think we can celebrate the transition the girl is going through without necessarily making it out like the actual fact of menstruating is something awesome and thrilling for everyone.


I DO like that idea! Maybe not tying it into the time she gets her period so it's not linked together is better.

I did get my DD an American Girl book I think it was called "The Care and Keeping of You" when she was about 11. She didn't get her period until a couple of years later, but the book was good. It talked about puberty and periods, and also covered basic grooming habits, social skills, etc. She really liked it.


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## redheather (Aug 20, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *erigeron*
> 
> To be entirely fair, some women have only mild pain or no pain with their periods, and most women can still swim during them if they wear a tampon. It does sound like some people in this thread are happy to get periods because they feel connected to the earth, other women, or what have you. Personally, excluding times I didn't want to be pregnant, I have never been thrilled to get a period, but I haven't been bummed either (excluding times I did want to be pregnant, of course). I take your point about it not necessarily being something to celebrate, but I do think we can celebrate the transition the girl is going through without necessarily making it out like the actual fact of menstruating is something awesome and thrilling for everyone.


You hit it straight on!


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## gooseberry (Feb 20, 2012)

I read part of this thread a month or so ago, so pardon me if I'm repeating anything.

I would never throw my daughters a celebration/party for beginning to menstruate if I thought it would embarrass them. I hope, however, that they will like that idea when the time comes. When I started, I was embarrassed to tell anyone for a few hours. That's mostly about my personality, however. I have trouble making major announcements (engagement, pregnancy - I just feel self conscious bringing it up in conversation). Once my mom knew, however, she made me feel really good about it. She was excited, and we went downtown and had dinner together before my dad got off of work. I've always had long periods (full 7 days), but never had much in the way of PMS symptoms or discomforts. As a teenager, however, I played into that idea that a period was a curse. I was probably just showing off. I remember too seeing reusable pads at the store once as a teenager and being totally disgusted by the idea. (Use them now, and love them so much more than disposable ones.)

Fast-forward a few years, and I really appreciate my period. Most of that appreciation centers around pregnancy. I have very regular cycles, and it was easy for my husband and I to plan our pregnancies. We got pregnant on the first try with our first three attempts (though one did result in a miscarriage), and on the second try with our third child. Compared with friends who have irregular cycles and trouble knowing when they were fertile, I felt very lucky, and developed a new appreciation for my period. I went back on the pill after having my first, but was really disturbed by the thought that I wasn't yet menstruating again (6 mo. postpartum), but could potentially become pregnant and continue taking the pill, which could harm a fetus. I really longed for a clear signal from my body, and didn't want to do anything that might be dangerous. So we switched to condoms, and I felt much better. My miscarriage was a missed-miscarriage, and it was almost five weeks after miscarrying that I found out at a prenatal appointment when there was no heartbeat. I always assumed that if I was miscarrying, I'd know it. I did not like being deceived by my body like that. That, again, made me appreciate the clear and regular signals that my body normally gives me.

My point in saying this, is that I want my daughters to feel as positive as possible about menstruation. If they'er unlucky, and get periods with heavy discomfort, I'll certainly sympathize with them. I don't want them, especially as teenagers, to feel that it's disgusting or a curse. I'd love it if they could appreciate that it's a signal from their bodies and I would be happy to welcome them to womanhood with a celebration if they'll let me.


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

My fiance's daughter got her first period this last Friday. She'll be 13 next month. She would have been so embarrassed to have any kind of "party" or big deal, but we made extra time to have "girl time" together last weekend and made sure she had the right supplies, etc. It was really nice.


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## jersyr (Jul 17, 2013)

I took dd out x dinner. Just the two of us. I'm celebrating that she's healthy and it is a joy for me that one day she may start a family!


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

dd just started and ended while she was at camp hundreds of miles away. at a girl's only youth camp.

she had such a wonderful experience of everyone taking care of her and watching out for her even though she did freak out at the first sight of blood. she got advice from 20 year olds to adults. she knew the basics from before.

she did get cramps though - just like really bad cramps that we have had for 3 generations in our family.

oh gosh. it was no big deal for dd. she didnt even tell me right away. i happened to discover it. dd doesnt see what the big deal is about. she wants to celebrate for ME since according to her i am more animated about it than she is.

however i do want to give her a jewelry set to celebrate her transition. i know she will like the thought behind that.

an unexpected 'celebration' (if you want to call it that) happened around what form of menstrual aid she would use. we've spent hours over the internet looking at stuff - talking about practical stuff and what she can actually do - and its been a wonderful intimate time.


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## mamarhu (Sep 12, 2004)

Although I started my period at 9, I was unprepared for BigGirl to start at 8. She told me (she already knew all about the phisiological and logistical details), I supplied pads, and it was not really a very big deal. It would have been pretty silly to say, "Now, you are a woman" to an 8 year old. I was old enough to be going through menopause at the time, and we laughed about "Now it is your turn". She used cloth pads for years (would have preferred disposable, but she had a reaction to even the organic brands). A few years ago, she tried Diva Cups, and those have worked for her.

BigGirl, now 18, and I speak very openly about bodily functions, to the point that YoungSon, now 17, says, "I really don't need to hear this stuff".


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## SweetSilver (Apr 12, 2011)

This is a great thread. I've started lurking on this forum because my oldest is 8.5yo, so I've come to this thread rather late.

I can't compare what my daughter will go through with my own experiences. My mother threw a box of tampons at me after knocking on my bedroom door and stomped and pouted away. I had managed to get through one whole period without her knowing. So, the bar is set rather low for me-- anything we can do will be better than that!

Anyway, it's good to hear from those in the thick of it-- that girls can still be unhappy about menarche even after years of AP mothering by confident ladies. That is both a surprise and, well, not I guess. It turns out that that feeling if still quite typical, even without mothers who are pathologically incapable of speaking to their daughters about such things. [Funny thing is, I seem to remember my mom talking with my older sister about it. Maybe she was just pissed at me for staining the bedspread where I was watching TV? Hm. Well, she could have said something anyhow..... that would have cleared up a whole lot! Maybe because with my sister, she didn't have the teen troubles she was having when I got my period? I was the youngest of three girls. Suddenly sort of a.... "oh holy crap, here comes another one!"]

OK, so maybe my dreams of being able to celebrate this moment need to be put on the backburner. I don't think it's such a "magical" moment, and it doesn't have much relevance to our society anymore at that age (hello! we are not making babies at 14yo, let alone 10 or 11!!!). But I just wanted it to be a positive experience. It was embarrassing enough to get my period, then have to deal with the logistics by trial and error.... (everyone was so nice pretending not to notice... though it night have been nicer, though a bit mortifying, to get handed an extra pad when I needed it).

What confusion! I can only hope to give my daughter a better start than I had. Again--very. low. bar.

Thanks for the conversation.


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## Cat Wesley (Jul 11, 2013)

Most traditional cultures have coming-of-age ceremonies, because marking this transition in life has psychological importance. However, these days in our world, as girls menstruate earlier and earlier - long before we would consider them "adults" it seems to me this sort of clouds the issue.

The traditional celebration is not about the girl's period itself, it is about the transition which menstruation marks.

I support positive celebration at the time of a girl's first period, but I think we need to consider exactly what this is marking in our modern era.


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## Mirzam (Sep 9, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cat Wesley*
> 
> Most traditional cultures have coming-of-age ceremonies, because marking this transition in life has psychological importance. However, these days in our world, as girls menstruate earlier and earlier - long before we would consider them "adults" it seems to me this sort of clouds the issue.
> The traditional celebration is not about the girl's period itself, it is about the transition which menstruation marks.
> I support positive celebration at the time of a girl's first period, but I think we need to consider exactly what this is marking in our modern era.


I couldn't agree more. Celebrating mensturation in a 10 year old can hardly be about her adulthood, because obviously she is still a child. Personally, I don't see a purpose in celebrating first mensturation in one so young.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

well one thing i learnt for sure. how i look at menstruation in my dd and how she looks at it are two different things.

for dd it was no big deal. mind you we havent just celebrated getting periods. we did breast buds, fuzz on legs, underarm hair too. not celebration or ceremony - but an acknowledgment.

for dd she was more 'excited' about hair growth rather than starting periods.

reminds me of my own mother's words. she said i reacted just like dd. no big deal. but, just like me now, she felt it was such a huge development and was blown away how blase i was about the whole thing,

i am not sure what i was expecting. but i wasnt expecting this 'no big deal' attitude.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Cat Wesley*
> 
> Most traditional cultures have coming-of-age ceremonies, because marking this transition in life has psychological importance. However, these days in our world, as girls menstruate earlier and earlier - long before we would consider them "adults" it seems to me this sort of clouds the issue.
> The traditional celebration is not about the girl's period itself, it is about the transition which menstruation marks.
> I support positive celebration at the time of a girl's first period, but I think we need to consider exactly what this is marking in our modern era.


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Mirzam*
> 
> I couldn't agree more. Celebrating mensturation in a 10 year old can hardly be about her adulthood, because obviously she is still a child. Personally, I don't see a purpose in celebrating first mensturation in one so young.


I agree with both of these.


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## mamarhu (Sep 12, 2004)

Slightly O/T, but I had a friend who celebrated "coming of age" with his children when they got driver's licenses. He felt that was the moment, in our culture, that symbolized independence, responsibility, freedom, and the beginning of adult life. Big parties, friends and family, it was pretty awesome, and meant so much to the kids.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AAK*
> 
> Planning on it.  DD just turned 13 and AF hasn't come yet. I started at 12. DD's best friend started earlier this year. We made her up a "red bag" and her friend really liked it. DD was so excited about the idea and so I know that we will do something. She started thinking of lots of ideas after creating the red bag for her friend.
> 
> Amy


Well, she started this last month on a family reunion camping trip. We decided to go get facial as a celebration--just her and me. She is really looking forward to it, was quite excited to get her period, but wanted a more quiet celebration for the two of us.

Amy


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## bethstar78 (Jul 5, 2013)

I have a wonderful friend who is a Shamanic Midwife. She held a group for all of her women friends and their daughters, some of them had started already and others not.

They were taught how to chart their cycles and what to expect as the cycle progressed...ie creative phase and manic phase and just plain grumpy days!!

We all shared our stories of our first time and then a beautiful story was read about the goddess within us all and how lucky we are to be blessed with fertility.

I talked a lot with my DD about how it might feel and what to expect - my mother told me nothing, she left it to my big brother to tell me!

So I tried to prepare DD as much as possible - showed her how to use pads and where to get them from if she needed them.

When she did get her period I was at work and she left me a very quiet message on my phone and then called her best friend who had been getting it for a while. Her friend gave her a sweet red bracelet and I bought her a big bunch of flowers on my way home from work!! We didn't make a big fuss but I wanted her to know that it was a special thing that she was going through!!

Now of course she gets terrible cramps and heavy bleeding and often needs to take a day off school and stay in bed!! Poor thing!!


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## MaggieLC (Sep 2, 2013)

My oldest dd got hers at 9. When I proposed we plant a rose bush and have a celebration she was mortified. "You want to... what? Plant a rose bush? What? OMG, you're such a crunchy hippie mom. NOBODY does things like that. Just tell me where the pads are and I'll figure it out myself." All three of my daughters (DD2 at 14 and DD3 at 11) have had the same response to their periods. Nobody wanted a "celebration" thought my idea of commemorating the occasion as "crunchy hippie stuff" and just wanted to know how to use the equipment and be left alone. You should have seen their response when I suggested they use cloth pads and/or a menstural cup! "Mooo-oooom. Ew, gross. No way! Can't we just buy pads like a normal family?" It's their body and their periods, so I respect the way they want to handle it. It's not about me at all.

My kids are not thrilled about celebrating bodily functions. I tried, but I did respect their wishes and did nothing. *sigh* I'm kind of jealous of those of you whose girls were more receptive to celebration ideas. My husband is a very practical man, and I guess my dds get that from him.


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## anablis (Jul 31, 2013)

I HATED getting my period. I don't remember my mom talking to me about it before I got it for the first time, but she did bc when I got it I remember thinking to myself "oh no, already???" I was 11 yrs old. I hated how uncomfortable it was, I hated the moisture, the smell, the leakings and embarrassment, the inconvenience, the feeling of having a diaper btw my legs (that was by far the worse). I was in denial for a long time. It got better when I discovered tampons, my mom didn't want me to wear them but I still did, hiding from her. They changed my life. I could pretty much forget I was having my period, and have a regular care-free life. I use tampons ever since. Thankfully I never had bad cramps, just a mild discomfort for a day or two.
If I have a daughter, I will try to help her depending on how she takes it. I don't think there is any reason to celebrate, to me it is important to help her feel physically comfortable, that she knows her options.
Just to be clear, I'm not ashamed of womanhood, I just hate physical discomfort. I'm 29 weeks pregnant and while I have a normal, uneventful pregnancy, I can't wait for it to be over and get my body back.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I remember getting quite poetic at my first menstruation, thinking, there should be some kind of ritual for this. A celebration? That would have made me embarassed probably. However, i know one thing for sure, im giving dd (who at 20mths has a long way to go) the book *Taking Charge of Your Fertility,* when she does start. Every girl should have that book.

Yes....presents, like a baby shower, get her presents.

On second thoughts, a little party with some cake, and a few songs, and talk about the subject would not have been so embarrassing, if there were only women present. So a party with just mom, and some sisters/friends, neighbors...something like that.

Youve gotta get her that book though. I only discovered it when i was 42.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

if you had very painful periods and your mother did too... then instead of thinking of celebration figure out how you will support your dd with the pain.

unfortunately i had my head in the clouds and its a nightmare for dd. she has had them 3 times and they are VERY painful. she has missed school every time she gets her period. she goes back out of necessity not choice.

i am still researching two things - how to make her periods pain free (right now my usually drug free child takes ibuprofen for the first couple of days AND how to help her deal with the pain.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

I think periods dont always have to be painful, and i am sure there is a dietary connection, since it is related to hormonal imbalance...periods for me were usually unpleasant, sometimes painful, and occasionally debilitating, other times none of the above. ....who knows? Good luck with the research.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *contactmaya*
> 
> I think periods dont always have to be painful, and i am sure there is a dietary connection, since it is related to hormonal imbalance...periods for me were usually unpleasant, sometimes painful, and occasionally debilitating, other times none of the above. ....who knows? Good luck with the research.


thanks. poor dd needs all the good luck we can get.

our family health is strange. my gma, mother, me and my dd - terrible, terrible, terrible cramps. gma, mom and me - cramp free after first child. TMI - if i had a bowel movement i could actually feel the pain leave my body too. doesnt work for dd though. she has to gingerly sit down at her desk her pain is so bad (2nd day meds dont work)

mom and me made regular trips to the gyn. - no help. however i am researching ped. gyn. and see if they can help dd out.

but the higher power is fair. does grant us easy menopause. gma, ma and me - painless, flashless menopause. typical short term memory loss, smelly pee adn hair loss was there though. but no real suffering.


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## erigeron (Oct 29, 2010)

I got more cramps with tampons than pads. Fewer with cups. They weren't really awful in any case though. I knew a family where both the daughters were on bc though not sexually active because they got horrible cramps and it was the only thing that helped them. I hope you find something that helps your daughter... poor kid.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

It's hatd to quote on my phone but I used to have debilitating cramps and iron pills helped a lot. White chocolate also helped but I don't know why. Since I had dd I cramp lightly a bit the day before and a bit the first day but that's it. My DD has avoided cramps so far. Good luck to your DD.


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## redheather (Aug 20, 2011)

Here are a few basic things that could help with painful moontime:

Magnesium supplements can really help to relax any smooth muscles in the body, including the womb. Be careful not to go overboard though or they will relax the bowels, though sometimes that's needed too!

Cramp bark works but has to be taken every couple hours consistently. May not be practical for a teen.

More good oil (omega-3's, as in fish, flax) and less "bad" oils (omega-6, as in canola, safflower, etc.; and especially anything hydrogenated) could help.

Lastly, see if anyone on your area does Maya Abdominal Massage. It is an external massage to gently move the womb back into a central place if it is tilted slightly in any direction, which is very often the cause of painful menses. This website has practitioners listed: https://arvigotherapy.com/ but it is not the only list of practitioners. These are practitioners who learned it via Rosita Arvigo but there are many more who learned it from other Central American wise women too.

Good luck! It is definitely a tough road, and so hard to see our younger gals in pain.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

thank you all for all your caring thoughts. i will check into all your suggestions that you have made.

its one reason didnt want dd's periods to start 'on time' and its been regular since her first cycle. maybe not on time but every month.


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## utandy (Feb 5, 2011)

We went out to dinner just the two of us and went shopping for period supplies so they could look and see what is out there and pick some that we didn't have in the house to try out. While we had already talked and they know what was happening and why it gave them a chance to ask any new questions and gave me another opportunity to talk about birth control, std's and fun things like that.


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