# Did you loose friends too?



## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

I've had people (both irl and online) who I thought were friends, who encouraged me to talk about the baby. But when I do, it's all wrong--even my sister who ASKED me to talk with her about the baby didn't respond to my letter. Other people, who I considered friends, have also disappeared.

I'm left wondering: Did I make a collassal misjudgement in thinking of them as friends? Are they tired of hearing me talk about it? Do they think I should be "over it" by now? Do they think I'm over-reacting? Or am I just too much of a downer to be around right now?

I want to say F&*^-em, but then I think, maybe it's me. Maybe I drove them away because I haven't been much fun to be around lately. Then I get mad all over again because I feel abandoned.

Somebody talk some sense into me.


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## Slackermom (Jul 23, 2003)

It's hard. After my first m/c, I told some friends who I considered close friends, and was sometimes shocked at their reactions. This time, I've only told one close friend, but all my co-workers know - can't say I'm getting a lot of support; I'm just being treated like I'm sick, in a very hush-hush way, and being asked what I did to cause it.







I have a lot of on-line "friends" who know, too. I say "friends", because many of them (not on this board) have been giving me a definite cold shoulder. They are all happy with babies and pregnancies, and I guess I'm just a downer. They say they want to support me, but really, when push comes to shove, I don't think they want to hear about how I feel. At any rate, I feel, like you, that I just want to say "F^%k them".

Miscarriage seems to still be a taboo subject in society. People don't know what to do with it. People who haven't had one tend to see it just as a setback, or a medical problem. They rarely see it as a loss of a real life, hopes, dreams, part of your family. We're not given the space and the support to grieve as we would if an older child or family member died.

Hugs to you, and I hope you can, at least, find some support here at MDC.


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## Forevermama (Aug 12, 2002)

Everyone changed, that's for sure. I think the person who changed the most though, was me. I did find out who my true friends were through this. It's ver frustrating when you get the "anytime you need to talk..." lines that really aren't sincere









Hang in there mama. I hope your true friends emerge from this


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## BeeandOwlsMum (Jul 11, 2002)

I think people have a hard time dealing with death in general...much less death as it is in miscarraige. It may be less that they are not friends than they honestly have no earthly clue what to say. I find that a lot in infertility too. They have no clue what to say, so they change the subject. Or they say some stupid placating thing and stop talking about it. Especially when you have told them something that is clearly full of emotion.

Not excusing that at all. I wish people would say something about the fact that they don't know what to say, or something. The quiet just makes me feel lost, alone and like no one really cares.
















I hope some people step up and are there for you.


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## SagMom (Jan 15, 2002)

Thanks for the support, ladies.

You know, I've said the same thing here--about people not being able to deal with death--I guess I needed someone to remind me.

This is how I feel too: "I wish people would say something about the fact that they don't know what to say, or something. The quiet just makes me feel lost, alone and like no one really cares."

I'm sorry you all had to go through this. It surely sucks.

Thanks again for your kind words.


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## Forevermama (Aug 12, 2002)

You are so very right, Adina. I tried to remind myself of that when people were avoiding me rather than talking with me. I realise now that they just didn't know how to be there for me, and didn't know what to say. But it sure did (and still does) make for a lonely road.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

I definitely think it deals with death more than the type of loss, as I have had very similiar reactions or lack of reactions and my son was a stillborn. Very few of my relationships have actually improved, most of them have faded away. At first, I was really hurt by this but now I'm finding that it's just not that important to have them in my life. I do blame myself as being the "downer" person that no one wants to deal with but the reality is, if they don't want to deal with me, they probably wouldn't be very supportive even if they called anyway.

I wish people were more educated and supportive regarding the loss of a baby.


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## homebirthing (Nov 10, 2002)

I wasn't sure if I should post on here or not, but I am coming from the "friend" perspective.

First of all, I am so very very sorry for your loss. I can't and don't even begin to understand the pain that you are going through.

My friend just lost her baby in November. She was in labor at full term. We got to the hospital to find out that her baby had died. It was very tragic and horrible. I am trying the best that I can. I call her every week, and we go out to breakfast every Saturday with another mutual freind. It is hard because we aren't sure what to say, other then...I am not sure what to say. We bring up Addie and she talks about her too. I am never sure if she wants to "just be normal" (horrible wording, I apologize) or if she wants to talk about her daughter. It is very hard for me to even begin to understand, and it is almost like my brain shuts off when I think about it. I compare my grieve to hers, and I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to be sad, because it isn't comparable. I know though, that I am allowed to be sad, crazy, scream and cry...but it is hard. I am so blessed, and I am afraid to talk to her about my life, because I have a baby.

Did I make a collassal misjudgement in thinking of them as friends? No, they are probably afraid that they will hurt you more by talking about it. You shouldn't have to tell them that you want to talk about it, but you might have to.

Are they tired of hearing me talk about it? No, they are probably so sad and don't react approprately. It is hard to know what to do or say if you haven't been through it.

Do they think I should be "over it" by now? NO!!! This is something that you will never "Be over" and no-one should ever think that. I am sure it is that they don't know what to say, so they say nothing.

Do they think I'm over-reacting? Or am I just too much of a downer to be around right now? No and no. You are a wonderful woman who has lost one of the loves of her life. I am so sorry.


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