# Appropriate things to say to someone who had a miscarriage.



## mrsbabycakes (Sep 28, 2008)

When I went in for my D&C, the idiot medical assistant (I'm a healthcare worker, so I know what she should have done) just stood there and stared at me during my D&C, never said a word. I'm now working in an OB office again and miscarriages, as we know, are so common. Looking back at the last time I worked with pregnant patients, I doubt I was very thoughtful or helpful. I'd mumble, "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" but I was petrified of making it worse, so I didn't say much.

Now that I'd BTDT on the patient's side, I think I should do something more. Something I would have appreciated. But I know I can't speak for everyone, so I'm wondering what you ladies think.

When you got the horrible news, or came in for your appointment or D&C, what would you have wanted the medical assistant to say to you? A hug? Kind words? Tears? I can barely hold back the sobs every time I see "SAB" in a chart (Spontaneous Abortion), so the sincerity is there.

I was thinking of something like, "I'm so sorry. I know it seems impossible, but you will get through this."

Help me with this. I know it will happen soon, and I want to be prepared to be as thoughtful and kind as possible.

Also, I'd like to put together a pregnancy loss resource sheet, can you guys suggest good websites/information?


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Ugh, spontaneous abortion.. HATE that term. I remember when I was in recovery after my d&c for retained placenta, the nurse was trying to make conversation and thought it'd be a good idea to ask "when I aborted". All I could manage to say was " I didn't abort. My baby died and I labored and delivered!" She was just like, Oh, well, that's just the term for miscarriage. Well then, you should have said miscarried! It was just&#8230; icky. Nobody else used any terms like that with me. Everyone else said baby, and loss. So I guess that'd be my first suggestion. Acknowledge the baby as a baby. I think even if my loss had been earlier, and there wasn't a "body" so to speak, I'd have still wanted my baby to be acknowledged as such.

And if you feel the need to cry with them, don't hold back! I had my midwife and nurses cry with me. There wasn't any of the "coldness" that I've experienced so many times with other medical professionals. I also remember the anesthesiologist held my hand throughout the D&C. Simple gestures like that made me feel so much better in a terrible situation. It was nice to feel like these people actually cared, and not that they were just doing their job.

Things like that are what stood out to me the most. I honestly don't even remember what people said to me, it's how they made me feel, like they cared, that I remember.

As for what to say, I think it will be different for everyone, so just go with what feels right at the time. I think as long as they know you genuinely care, it will help.


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

I would just say "I'm really sorry for your loss". That's all I wanted anyone to say to me, to validate that it was such a loss for us, no matter how early it was.


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## Chloe'sMama (Oct 14, 2008)

I agree. I would have liked someone to just say 'I am so sorry for your loss.'. Now I know that I did make it through it, but when people told me I would make it through, I would just get so mad at them. Just acknowledgment would have been the best, FOR ME.....


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## mammabunny (May 8, 2008)

I absolutely think something should be said. Just a little, "I'm sorry,' is fine. When I went for my OB appt. no one really said anything, I was all alone and it was awful. But when I went for my D&C at the hospital, everyone was wonderful, better than any of my friends or family had been. They pampered me, made me feel safe and everyone from nurses to anethsiologists shared their condolences as well as some shared that they or their family members had miscarriages/d&C's. the anethesiologist, told me his wife had 4 miscarriages/d&c's and I'm 39, he told me she was older than me, and they had 2 children now. It was a nice thing for him to share.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by **Jade** 
I would just say "I'm really sorry for your loss". That's all I wanted anyone to say to me, to validate that it was such a loss for us, no matter how early it was.

This. All I've ever wanted is for people to acknowledge my miscarriage. I know that it's hard for people to talk about, but guess what...it's harder to go through it! When my loss is validated, it makes all the difference.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

You know, I had a really bad experience after my last loss. I was scheduled by office staff to see a doctor I'd never met to follow up after my miscarriage - a doctor who was 30 weeks pregnant. THAT doctor asked me if it was a planned pregnancy or an accident, and then, when I said it was a surprise, she decided it was an appropriate time to counsel me on birth control options. The nurses asked for a "clean catch" urine specimen (good fricken luck when you're bleeding from a miscarriage, eh?). When she did the ultrasound she said "There are no remaining products of conception."

All of that was medically acceptable but emotionally impossible to get through. I came out of my appointment and sat in my car and wept for an hour.

This time around, my midwife did the u/s. She pointed at the empty sac and said "This is the gestational sac. It's where we should see your baby. At the moment we can't see anything which means right now we can't give you any answers. I want to do a, b, and c and check this, that, and the other to either find your baby or discover that this is a missed miscarriage. I don't want to make any mistakes. I know that it's hard to be patient, and that it's scary and hurts right now, but we don't want to be hasty. I'm sorry. I've been there. If there's anything you need, or anything you want to talk about, please call. I would be happy to discuss any of your questions when you think of them. Call the PA line and ask the staff to get me directly."

I cannot even begin to explain to you how differently I felt leaving the offices those times. I'm sorry, that doesn't really answer your question, does it? It just illustrates what I consider "bad" and "good" handling of a patient during a loss.


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## Thalia (Apr 9, 2003)

First, I think it's great that you want to know how to be kind to women going through a loss, and that you are asking here.

I think a sincere "I'm so sorry for your loss" is always appropriate and helpful. Just that and that feeling of respect for someone who is in shock and mourning goes a LONG way.

Honestly, it's very hard to know how anything more than that will be received. I think you have to play it by ear, depending on what situation is. Since you've had a loss yourself, I think you could also say, "I'm so sorry, when this happened to me, I never thought I could get through it, but I did." Or "When this happened to me, it was one of the hardest things I ever went through."

I think you have to be careful about saying, "I know it seems impossible, but you will get through this." If you'd said that to me, I probably would have been screaming on the inside, "Oh really? How the f*ck do you know?" Pain makes me a very angry person.







I'm sure I would have been able to recognize your intent, but I still wouldn't want anyone telling me how things were going to go for me, you know?

I also, personally, wouldn't hug, or would definitely ask before hugging. Hugs are great for lots and lots of people, but I'm one of those people that doesn't want them from strangers; it feels like an invasion to me.


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## fazer6 (Jan 26, 2009)

Why not say I'm sorry for your loss, I've also been in a similar situation so I can understand how you feel. If you want advice on useful places for information or support networks let me know.

The compasionate friends is a good network.

I'd maybe print out a list and say I'll leave this here if you want to take it with you.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

A heartfelt, "I'm so sorry for your loss" would be something I'd want to hear. Hugs and/or tears are always appreciated too. Holding my hand is also nice. One thing I would have liked through my losses would have been to be taken out of the waiting room at my OB office right away, so that I wouldn't have had to sit with all the pregnant ladies. Some other things that medical staff told me which I appreciated:

It's OK to be sad.
You're mourning your future that you saw with your baby, not just the (?) weeks you were pregnant.
It's OK to cry.
Crying is good, it means that you're in touch with your emotions.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

Well......the only tiome I cried was for about 30 seconds when the nurse showed me the low hcg levels....I let out a couple sobs and she teared up and put her arm around me. That was the only comfort I ever received about the miscarriage, and not coincidentally I think, the only time I was able to cry about it. I think that her display of emotion over what had happened made me feel like it was OK to be sad about it and grieve the baby. I don't think I will ever forget the look of sincerity on her face, as it was so comforting for those few seconds to be reassured that my sadness was normal. Everyone else has made comments like "it was only 10 weeks" and "thank goodness you didn't spend money baby clothes".

Some things I would have appreciated would have been to NOT bring up birth control, even though I understand they don't recommend getting pregnant again right away, it is just such a painful thing to discuss at that time....how to prevent a baby when youjust lost one. Also, as other posters have mentioned, the mere sight of a pregnant woman can make me shut down for hours.....sitting in the ob clinic waiting for test results along with 20+ wk pregnant women ripped my heart out.

Saying something like, "I know you won't ever forget your baby, but the pain will ease with time" or something like that, would have been nice to hear. I think mentioning that you have experienced this is the biggest comfort and probably the most meaningful thing you could say.


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## songtothemoon (Jun 3, 2009)

mrsbabycakes -- Women will be lucky to be under your care! I agree with many other posters: "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "It's OK to be sad --
You're mourning your future that you saw with your baby, not just the (?) weeks you were pregnant." -- something clear and direct.

Also, touch can be so comforting and healing. Maybe not a hug (unless it feels appropriate), but when we had the u/s that indicated a "missed miscarriage," I can't even remember what my OB said, because I was so upset. We saw the fetal pole, but the heartbeat was gone...BUT I remember her squeezing my foot (it was on the stirrup). That squeeze meant a lot to me.
Also, at the D&C, one of the nurses held my hand while I was going under. The whole staff at the clinic was very hands-on and compassionate. When I went back to my OB to follow up, she gave me a hug and was kind and optimistic.
All of that touch meant a lot to me -- I definitely would not have been able to process words/thoughts when we received the diagnosis or at the D&C.

Finally, I think your idea for a resource sheet is great. Definitely link to this site/forum...I'm not sure about other sites.
The internet is the quickest place to reach people (faster than ordering a book).
I specifically remember waiting in the exam room before my D&C. There were two different pamphlets available about pregnancy loss, mainly geared towards women ending a pregnancy due to genetic abnormalities and were for specific therapists/support groups.
Had there been a sheet/pamphlet about miscarriage (missed miscarriage), the grieving process, websites and other resources, I would have shoved that right into my handbag!


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

For me, "I'm so sorry" was more than adequate as far as specific things to say.

What helped me through it the most was when people (my dh, my family, the midwife) acknowledged the baby/my pain/my grief, the gentle hug or a hand laid on the arm, looking me in the eyes while talking to me about it, and not using clinical terms.


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## ThirdEyeMom (Dec 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mrsbabycakes* 
...Also, I'd like to put together a pregnancy loss resource sheet, can you guys suggest good websites/information?

I think a resource list is fantastic!







: My resource is a cross-post from 'Empty Arms: Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death' that I found on NPR and posted on this forum at http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1116509 See an additional resource at #7 post also on the NPR page.

I hope it brings peace to many. God bless.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I was lucky to be cared for by a nurse that had lost a baby herself...she really knew what I was going through...and she let me know that I wasn't alone..that I wasn't defective...and that my tears were more than valid. Also....It was important to me that the staff was super kind to my husband as well...we were both in hell, and their gentleness meant so much.


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