# Parents don’t believe their kids have sex



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

http://www.bostonherald.com/entertai...kids_have_sex/

"The research of Dr. Sinikka Elliott indicates they may be an anomaly. The assistant sociology professor at North Carolina State University says she's found that parents believe that other teens are having sex - and lots of it.

But their sweet, fresh-faced babies? No way. Especially the boys.

"With boys, I found that parents described their own sons as young, naive, immature," said Elliott. "What I think they were doing was illustrating to me, they're not really like these other boys."

As for daughters, the whole "good girl/bad girl" stereotype was handy. "My daughter's not like that," the parents told Elliott. "But I do know there are girls out there who are like that."


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Can't say I am horribly surprised. I have met some vary naive parents when it comes to the idea of their child even _thinking_ about another person in that way.

It does bug me though, mostly because I know that most likely they will either 1) have kids who grow up being great at lying or 2) find out and flip out or be horribly disappointed and their kids just back off more and hide more or what they do.


----------



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Can't say I am horribly surprised. I have met some vary naive parents when it comes to the idea of their child even _thinking_ about another person in that way.

It does bug me though, mostly because I know that most likely they will either 1) have kids who grow up being great at lying or 2) find out and flip out or be horribly disappointed and their kids just back off more and hide more or what they do.

No kidding. My mother was convinced that my sister was a virgin on her wedding day - at 30 years old, marrying the guy who'd been her boyfriend since she was 14. Because a nice girl like that would NEVER have sex before she was married


----------



## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

And some parents know their kids and are right about it.


----------



## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

I do think many parents probably do think the way the article says. I know when I was a teen my friends' parents seemed to have that out look, their kids were virginal saints but their friends were sex having 'bad' girls trying to warp their children. Hmm I think only one set of parents was right about their child not having sex yet.
I don't prescribe to the good girl/bad girl sentiment or the "purity" thing and find them disturbing.
That said I do think it's important for children to develop at their own rate and my 13 year old daughter isn't interested in relationships yet much less sex. We have an open dialogue about it and I hope we continue too.


----------



## paintedfire (May 3, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
And some parents know their kids and are right about it.











I started having sex when I was 17-years-old - nearly two years after I started dating my first - and at the time, only - boyfriend. My Mom knew because I told her beforehand that I was making an appointment with my gynecologist (seen because I have endometriosis, then misdiagnosed as dysmenorrhea) to ask about switching my birth control because I was pretty sure that sexual activity was nearby in my future and I wanted to be sure that I didn't get pregnant.

That being said, I completely believe that article - I was the only one of my friends who told their parents flat out that they were sexually active - and I was in college at the time so most of my friends were _at least_ 21-years-old or so.


----------



## Sarai18 (Sep 17, 2008)

from the article:

Quote:

The mindset, at least in the South, is: If you don't talk about it with your kids and your friends, it's not happening. Everything is fine, just fine.
Ouch, so true... I know of many kids whose parents have no idea what they're doing, or if they do suspect something they're in deep denial. :\


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

We aren't there yet, but most of the parents are clueless about the fact that their kids have boyfriends/girlfriends.


----------



## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Having met a ton of people who remain in total denial that kids can even undergo puberty before the age of 12-13, that article doesn't surprise me.

I don't all teens have sex, in fact I think it's probaby LESS than the media/our collective imaginations portray. I also think that people tend to be in denial about what "type" of kid has sex--I mean, I actually knew MORE people in my fundamentalist church youth group that were "messing around" than the drama kids I hung out with.

So I can totally see the "Oh, my kids are too innocent, it's all those other kids that are bad" type of reaction. As if sophistication, clothing style, ect. has anything to do with whether or not someone is having sex! MOST kids are naive/"innocent". MOST kids do not dress like streetwalkers. MOST kids who are having sex actually are normal and blend in quite well with any given group.


----------



## velochic (May 13, 2002)

"Elliott, who interviewed 47 parents in Austin, Texas, then another 18 fathers in the Raleigh area, is a qualitative researcher, meaning she interviews a few people in-depth. That means her research doesn't necessarily represent a wide cross-section of parents, so she can't conclude that most parents share the perceptions of the ones she interviewed."

I think that the article overgeneralizes that all teens are having sex and lying about it to their parents, which is just as bad as overgeneralizing that nobody's kid is having sex. The sample is simply too small to make any conclusions and it seems like irresponsible reporting (and research).

If you took a sample from MDC, I believe you'd find overwhelmingly that almost all parents talk to their kids, have open relationships with their teens, and know REALISTICALLY whether or not their kids are having sex. I'm sure that doesn't represent a "majority" any more than the sample used in the research this article reported on.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I didn't get the idea from the article that all teens are having sex. Only that most parents seem to be in their own little world where all the _other_ teens are having sex, but theirs aren't.

Wen I talk to other parents outside of the MDC type group (and in some cases inside, not pointing finger just that I have seen it previously) it seems to be that parents just generally don't want to think of their kids as sexual beings. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard some variation of "my child is X years old, he/she is only thinking about school/sport/toys/etc. He/she has no business thinking about dating and sex." I would be able to retire tomorrow.


----------



## MamaChicken (Aug 21, 2006)

I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was having sex long before I did. But then my older sister got pregnant at 14.


----------



## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Not all parents that have young teens who happen not to be interested in relationships or sex yet are just being naive/head in the sand or not wanting to see their kids as sexual beings but they actually just know their child and where they are at. It's not a value judgment, just fact.
There's nothing wrong with a young teen being interested in relationships/sex but there's also nothing wrong with them not being interested. Neither holds more value and both are perfectly normal.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Yeah but if we trust what most parents say then _no_ person under the age of 25 is even remotely interested in the formation of intimate relationships. That is just not the way it is though. Sure there is the odd young teen who isn't interested, but by the very nature of the growing human body, most young teens have thought about, or explored the idea of relationships and sex.

What holds value is more parents understanding that what they want (teen not interested in sex) and what is true are more often than not two very opposite things. When you accept that it is a possibility and approach things from the point of view "You may or may not be thinking about it now, but chances are you will start in the next year" and discuss things from the POV that even if they aren't interested in a relationship, they are still sexual beings then it just opens a whole new world of comfort for the teen in doing what _they_ know is best for _them_. As opposed to doing what everyone else tells them to do, while tell mom and dad what they want to hear.

And the fact still remains, you (general you) don't know what your child is thinking with 100% certainty. We are open and honest with sex in this house, but we don't even pretend to know what dd is thinking on the matter. What we do know is that we have been working for years to give her the tools she needs to make _her_ choice on the matter, not do what someone else wants or expects.


----------



## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
most young teens have thought about, or explored the idea of relationships and sex.


True. But thinking about and exploring the idea of, are a far cry from doing.


----------



## Sarah W (Feb 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
I didn't get the idea from the article that all teens are having sex. Only that most parents seem to be in their own little world where all the _other_ teens are having sex, but theirs aren't.

Wen I talk to other parents outside of the MDC type group (and in some cases inside, not pointing finger just that I have seen it previously) it seems to be that parents just generally don't want to think of their kids as sexual beings. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard some variation of "my child is X years old, he/she is only thinking about school/sport/toys/etc. He/she has no business thinking about dating and sex." I would be able to retire tomorrow.

I agree!

Not all kids are having sex, and there are parents who are open and realistic with their children when it comes to sex. However, I wouldn't guess that they would be in the majority of parents.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
True. But thinking about and exploring the idea of, are a far cry from doing.

If I had to hazard a guess, I would guess that those parents who operate from a "they are sexual beings and will be thinking about these things now or very soon" are more likely to have kids who think "ok, this is definitely something that I am interested in _but_ I don't actually want to do it now." So basically, a reasonable understanding of ones child as a sexual being would in effect make a more sexually responsible teen.

Obviously there are other factors, but my experience tells me that the people who waited until later are the ones who weren't addressed by their parents in such a way that made their sexual feelings "bad".


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
True. But thinking about and exploring the idea of, are a far cry from doing.

it's true, but there is such a huge disconnect between what is going on in many kids lives and what their parents think is going on that it is quite bizarre to watch. We aren't at the sex stage yet, but lots of the kids have boyfriends/girlfriends and it is a big secret from their parents.

It is truly bizarre to know that a preteen has had a half a dozen boy friends over the course of the school year and then have their mother tell you that they aren't interested in boys.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
If I had to hazard a guess, I would guess that those parents who operate from a "they are sexual beings and will be thinking about these things now or very soon" are more likely to have kids who think "ok, this is definitely something that I am interested in _but_ I don't actually want to do it now." So basically, a reasonable understanding of ones child as a sexual being would in effect make a more sexually responsible teen.

I don't know if this is true or not, but I wonder if being able to have real conversations with an adult who you can be honest with makes a difference. I see my DD's friends sad and confused because of their boyfriend issues, and their mothers are the last people on the earth they would speak to about it. They are left getting all their advice from their peers, who are clueless.

At every step of the way to figuring this stuff out for themselves, the teen with the realistic and open parent has real input, while the teen who's parent's head is stuck in the sand is left floundering. It's no wonder they sometimes do really stupid things.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

How are we defining "having sex"? I'm 99.9999999999% sure that ds1 hasn't had intercourse, or even oral. So, I'd say he's not having sex. However, I don't suffer from any belief that he's naive or innocent. Some of it is that he's not the type to pressure and his girlfriend wouldn't be okay with that at this point in their lives. Part of it, I believe, is that he's seen me go through hell with unwanted c-sections and three miscarriages and a term stillbirth - he's got a lot better idea - emotionally - of just what can happen from sex than a lot of kids his age do. I may have scared him off sex for life. *sigh*


----------



## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Thinking about is not the same as being ready to do or wanting to do yet....... I'd gather there aren't many young teens who aren't thinking about sexual things but that's not actually what I thought we were discussing.

I don't want my teen to not be interested in sex nor do I think it's preferable. However, she isn't interested in exploring relationships yet and that's okay too. I don't actually think she is so _odd_ in that but our culture sure the hell doesn't produce many 'late' bloomers. The parents might be in denial but their peers sure aren't. I think there's lots of social pressure to the contrary of the parental pressure/denial to not be sexual (and social pressure usually wins out). Neither or healthy or allow the individual child to evolve into their sexuality on their own terms.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

What really gets to me about this whole issue is that all these "your teenager _is_ having sex" articles actually just serve to make teenagers _more_ convinced that everybody else is doing it, hence putting more pressure on them. It's crazy.


----------



## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
What really gets to me about this whole issue is that all these "your teenager _is_ having sex" articles actually just serve to make teenagers _more_ convinced that everybody else is doing it, hence putting more pressure on them. It's crazy.

Do you think teenagers read these articles?

Based on my kids and their friends, I doubt they do.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

This isn't a "your teen _is_ having sex" article though. This is a "most parents of teens who are having sex don't think _their_ teen is having sex, just all the other teens are" article.

At the risk of sounding like a teacher this

Quote:

In other words, the parents hold seemingly contradictory thoughts about teens and sex: Everyone else's kids are hypersexual, but theirs are way too innocent to even be interested.
is pretty much the thesis of the article.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
If I had a nickel for every time I've heard some variation of "my child is X years old, he/she is only thinking about school/sport/toys/etc. He/she has no business thinking about dating and sex." I would be able to retire tomorrow.

You know, my son is 8 years old and he's only thinking about school/sports/cars/toys/etc. He has no business thinking about dating and sex (except in the sense of "some teenagers on TV date and have sex, and most of the animal kingdom has sex to make babies.")









My 14 and 15yos, however, most definitely DO think about sex and dating, although I know they're not acting on it. Neither are their friends. Some of their aquaintances might be sexually active, but the kids they hit it off with simply aren't dating yet either.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Yeah, but an 8 yo boy is pre-pubescent. In a few years he'll be thinking about sex too. The important thing is that he knows that those thoughts aren't "bad" and how to be responsible with them.


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 
Do you think teenagers read these articles?

Based on my kids and their friends, I doubt they do.









Some are. Some aren't. My point is that this stuff just feeds into our cultural "teenagers are sex-crazed slaves to their hormones (except _mine_, of course)" wackiness. The teens may not read the articles, but they're definitely aware that a good portion of our society thinks they're sex-crazed.

And, I have to say that I don't know that many parents of the "my pure little innocent would _never_ do that" variety...but every one of those parents that I do know had children who were very sexually active at a fairly early age. (OTOH, so was I...and my mom wasn't of that stripe at all.)


----------



## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Some are. Some aren't. My point is that this stuff just feeds into our cultural "teenagers are sex-crazed slaves to their hormones (except _mine_, of course)" wackiness. The teens may not read the articles, but they're definitely aware that a good portion of our society thinks they're sex-crazed.

And, I have to say that I don't know that many parents of the "my pure little innocent would _never_ do that" variety...but every one of those parents that I do know had children who were very sexually active at a fairly early age. (OTOH, so was I...and my mom wasn't of that stripe at all.)

I have to agree.

My parents, actually, were on the other side. They thought I was having sex with anyone and everyone. Actually, I had really horrible periods as a teen and my doctor (with my mother in the room) told me the only thing he could recommend was hormone therapy and wrote me a script for BC Pills. My parents refused to fill it because I would "use it as an excuse to have sex."

I wish they had been the parents in the article. I probably would have turned out differently.


----------



## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AFWife* 
I have to agree.

My parents, actually, were on the other side. They thought I was having sex with anyone and everyone. Actually, I had really horrible periods as a teen and my doctor (with my mother in the room) told me the only thing he could recommend was hormone therapy and wrote me a script for BC Pills. My parents refused to fill it because I would "use it as an excuse to have sex."

I wish they had been the parents in the article. I probably would have turned out differently.

That reminds me of SO many girls I knew when I was younger - they were sexually active, but didn't use contraception because that meant that they would have to admit to themselves that they WERE sexually active, which meant they were a dirty girl. Most of them ended up pregnant and married to some loser they would never have dreamed of marrying otherwise. Better, apparently, to take the very large risk of pregnancy than take the pill and use it as an excuse for what they were already doing.


----------



## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
That reminds me of SO many girls I knew when I was younger - they were sexually active, but didn't use contraception because that meant that they would have to admit to themselves that they WERE sexually active, which meant they were a dirty girl. Most of them ended up pregnant and married to some loser they would never have dreamed of marrying otherwise. Better, apparently, to take the very large risk of pregnancy than take the pill and use it as an excuse for what they were already doing.

Well, my whole thing was this: My parents already THOUGHT I was doing it, would accuse me of doing it, and then would punish me for it...so I figured, why not do it? If I'm going to get in trouble I should have at least done it.

Just another example of how teenagers don't always think things through to the end...


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

So basically, most parents need to stop living in their own little world and think logically about teens and sex...


----------



## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
So basically, most parents need to stop living in their own little world and think logically about teens and sex...

I'd say that about sums it up, yes.


----------



## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
So basically, most parents need to stop living in their own little world and think logically about teens and sex...

And learn communication...


----------



## dex_millie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Can't say I am horribly surprised. I have met some vary naive parents when it comes to the idea of their child even _thinking_ about another person in that way.

It does bug me though, mostly because I know that most likely they will either 1) have kids who grow up being great at lying or 2) find out and flip out or be horribly disappointed and their kids just back off more and hide more or what they do.

This is my parents. It seem they more think of it towards the girls. My mom keep saying how she would tell my sister about not doing the things she should do so she know it and gaving her book to read..ect... Yet my 18year old freshman in college sister is rarely home and always by her boyfriend. When she was at school she would not come home until 10(even though her last class was around 5/6 and would leave 8:30am when her first class was around 10am-12am). Now she working for summer she comes home washes the dishes and leaves until 10pm at night.

So yea we did become great at lieing and making it seem like we do the 'right thing'.


----------



## dex_millie (Oct 19, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
That reminds me of SO many girls I knew when I was younger - they were sexually active, but didn't use contraception because that meant that they would have to admit to themselves that they WERE sexually active, which meant they were a dirty girl. Most of them ended up pregnant and married to some loser they would never have dreamed of marrying otherwise. Better, apparently, to take the very large risk of pregnancy than take the pill and use it as an excuse for what they were already doing.

This is true. It is like some are still in denial. I know I was and I only started at age 20. I even tried to convince myself I was still a V because it was a quick thing with a boyfriend and I didn't O(and we was only together for a weekend). And even with my other boyfriend, my now husband I was still in denial about it because we was trying to wait until marriage.

I do agree with those girls also marrying people they wouldn't have thought of eighter, their/our minds are so confused.


----------



## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Interesting article. I think this is worth repeating: _"I don't think *all* parents are thinking this way, but I think *this group of parents* is thinking this way"_

The other expert in the article mentioned that teenagers are easily embarrassed by their parents' attempts to talk about sexuality.

The researcher said "teens are complicit in their parents' head-in-the-sand mentality."

_"And basically, the parents would say, we have tried to talk with him or her, but the teen says, 'eww ... Mom, I don't need to hear this information. I'm not doing anything,'" she said. "So I think that the teenagers are actively presenting themselves to their parents as asexual."_

I don't think they intend to imply that Teens, as an organized entity, are all working from the same memo in order to thwart their Parents and lie to them.









But a few years ago I did read a book about how to talk to your kids about sex. The author made a similar point. It's not enough for a parent to be willing to discuss sex if their child brings it up. Because chances are, because kids are embarrassed to talk about it, they won't necessarily bring it up with their parents. The author said over and over, parents need to start the conversations, and for the sake of their childrens' health and safety, need to persevere in spite of everyone's discomfort.


----------



## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 
It's not enough for a parent to be willing to discuss sex if their child brings it up. Because chances are, because kids are embarrassed to talk about it, they won't necessarily bring it up with their parents. The author said over and over, parents need to start the conversations, and for the sake of their childrens' health and safety, need to persevere in spite of everyone's discomfort.

I completely agree with this.


----------



## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Some are. Some aren't. My point is that this stuff just feeds into our cultural "teenagers are sex-crazed slaves to their hormones (except _mine_, of course)" wackiness. The teens may not read the articles, but they're definitely aware that a good portion of our society thinks they're sex-crazed.

And, I have to say that I don't know that many parents of the "my pure little innocent would _never_ do that" variety...but every one of those parents that I do know had children who were very sexually active at a fairly early age. (OTOH, so was I...and my mom wasn't of that stripe at all.)

I agree there is a lot of cultural pressure (coming from adults) that expect teens to be horn dogs and doing it at every possible chance.

One of my son's friend is asexual. This has been something her parents have expected for a lot time as a little girl she would say she didn't want a husband. When they mention having a wife she said no to that either. At 15 she says she has no sexual desire and isn't sexually attracted to anyone. Her grandparents and other adults put a lot more into my son and her relationship.

My son is interest, but not with her or anytime soon.

I find a lot of adults put pressures and innuendos into their kids relationship.


----------



## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Irishmommy* 
And some parents know their kids and are right about it.

Yep, that is true too.


----------



## Happiestever (May 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Yeah but if we trust what most parents say then _no_ person under the age of 25 is even remotely interested in the formation of intimate relationships. That is just not the way it is though. Sure there is the odd young teen who isn't interested, but by the very nature of the growing human body, most young teens have thought about, or explored the idea of relationships and sex.

What holds value is more parents understanding that what they want (teen not interested in sex) and what is true are more often than not two very opposite things. When you accept that it is a possibility and approach things from the point of view "You may or may not be thinking about it now, but chances are you will start in the next year" and discuss things from the POV that even if they aren't interested in a relationship, they are still sexual beings then it just opens a whole new world of comfort for the teen in doing what _they_ know is best for _them_. As opposed to doing what everyone else tells them to do, while tell mom and dad what they want to hear.

And the fact still remains, you (general you) don't know what your child is thinking with 100% certainty. We are open and honest with sex in this house, but we don't even pretend to know what dd is thinking on the matter. What we do know is that we have been working for years to give her the tools she needs to make _her_ choice on the matter, not do what someone else wants or expects.


Thank You! These are my sentiments exactly.


----------



## polycom1 (Jun 29, 2009)

I thought I was a cool dude back in the day when I was in MS. Now that my son has graduated and we have had the backyard parties over the last few days, I am amazed at how many kids at 13 and 14 have had oral sex. maybe its the information age, maybe its something else.

I still am in a state of shock.


----------



## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *polycom1* 
I thought I was a cool dude back in the day when I was in MS. Now that my son has graduated and we have had the backyard parties over the last few days, I am amazed at how many kids at 13 and 14 have had oral sex. maybe its the information age, maybe its something else.

I still am in a state of shock.

Just curious how you know this? Are the kids talking about it?

I have a good friend who is convinced that every preteen/teen girl is after her teen son, "but he has no interest at all-he's not there yet". I guess she knows her son best, but it's interesting to watch the real life interactions. They don't really mesh w/the mom's ideas.


----------



## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *polycom1* 
I thought I was a cool dude back in the day when I was in MS. Now that my son has graduated and we have had the backyard parties over the last few days, I am amazed at how many kids at 13 and 14 have had oral sex. maybe its the information age, maybe its something else.

I still am in a state of shock.

My Junior Year in HS we were told there were 2 6th graders pregnant by 7th graders...We we all shocked because it hadn't been that long since we were that age...


----------



## GrandmaBev33 (Jun 27, 2010)

Well I admit I didn't think my daughter was having sex either but now I'm a grandma. My daughter just turned 15 and my g'daughter is 2 months old. The good news is that she and her bf are still together and they are raising the baby, with mine and the other mom's help obviously. It's not something I'd have hoped for but I've been there for her and my g'daughter is a blessing.


----------



## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
If I had to hazard a guess, I would guess that those parents who operate from a "they are sexual beings and will be thinking about these things now or very soon" are more likely to have kids who think "ok, this is definitely something that I am interested in _but_ I don't actually want to do it now." So basically, a reasonable understanding of ones child as a sexual being would in effect make a more sexually responsible teen.

Obviously there are other factors, but my experience tells me that the people who waited until later are the ones who weren't addressed by their parents in such a way that made their sexual feelings "bad".

I agree. People I knew growing up who had honest, trusting relationships with their parents and talked about sex without shame stayed virgins longest. My mom told me too late that I was "never ever allowed to have sex" or she'd kill me.







Thanks, mom.

My MIL still doesn't admit that we have sex. When I got pg with #3 (my first with dh), she couldn't figure out how it happened. Literally. Dh was like..."do you want me to explain?" and she got this horrified look on her face. He used to spend the night at my house and every time (he was 23) she'd ask him if he was going over to babysit. She didn't get it until we got married!


----------



## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

I don't like the article because it seems to extrapolate quite a bit from a very small sample size. The researcher even says that you can't draw conclusions about most parents or teens and yet it seems that they turn around and do it anyway.

This is one area where I think having been a single teen parent gives me a bit of an advantage. For one thing, it wasn't THAT long ago that I was in that position. I sometimes think that parents forget, unintentionally, what it really was like when they were kids, and that is just a fact of time. The more time you are removed from something, the harder it is to remember the details.

In addition, when discussing with my teen daughter (she's 14) we have real life examples that she's lived to fall back on. I can say things like remember when we had to live with Grandma? We can discuss things from the point of view of what we had to do when she was a little kid and how we live now (I am married, having more kids, we own a house etc) and what she wants for the future and does she really want to have to make the choices we had to when she was little.

And, as I said, I am now having more kids. I have a 19 month old and am pg again. She was in the delivery room when the 19 month old was born and likely will be again. Watching me go through pg (and the present one has been pretty rough on me) and labor and delivery DOES have an impact on her. It also provides fantastic openings for discussions, as does the whole having a different biological father issue.

I know she's "interested" in sex. I can't imagine she wouldn't be, I was curious about it at 14. But I also know she doesn't have a boyfriend, and doesn't generally hang out with boys. She's just getting into high school and is trying out for the soccer team and as she gets more independant, I am sure the issue will come up for her. But, I remember when I was a teen, I didn't do drugs or drink because really, I simply didn't have easy access. I had sex because I had easy access. And, at the moment, she doesn't really have easy access to any of it. So, for now, I am not worried. But, I also remember that who I was at 14, vs who I was at 16 and 17, they were VERY different. I expect the same will be true for her.


----------

