# Help a father



## vanhack (Jul 23, 2007)

Dear all I need your help.

We lost our first child, Aryan on 30th June, at full term at the hospital during a routine C-section operation. We have no idea as to what the cause of death was, all we know is that his heart stopped beating, and this was only discovered after the operation, as the last doppler, 20 minutes prior to the incision, showed signs of a healthy heart. It was a text book pregnancy, which makes it more painful.

I am the father, and would like to know what I can do to help my wife with the grieving, she has finally accepted that he is not with us, but without a reason it is very diffcult, today is Aryan's 1 month b'day, she finally feels anger.

I do wish the world would acknowledge that we father's also feel the loss, all I hear is 'be strong for her'...I suppose society does not know how to deal with this, so advises, or should I say 'passes the buck' to the father to be there. Atleast she and Aryan knows I am a Daddy.

Thanks

Vanhack


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

Oh my goodness. The pain that you and your wife must be feeling...well, I just can't imagine. You ask what you can do for your wife - never having lost a baby at term I can only guess but I would think that there is going to be a lot of listening on your part. She's going to need to talk and maybe yell and scream and talk some more and cry too. I'm sure that some of the more experienced (for lack of a better word) moms and maybe dads around here might be able to give you more insight.

I am just so sorry for you loss. You, your wife and little Aryan will be in my thoughts.







s


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## lovethyspirit (Jun 27, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss. My advice to you would just be to let her vent/grieve through this tough time. She will experience all types of emotions and will probably never get over it, but by you being there it will make it easier to transition into moving on from her loss. It's your loss as well, so be open to each other.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## politys (Oct 25, 2005)

I'm so sorry about your baby. Living in a society in which we don't have enough ritual or appropriate acknowledgment of this sort of loss makes it all the more difficult.


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## 20605 (Oct 11, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. It is as much your loss as hers and never let others tell you or her to "suck it up" or my personal favorite (not) that its been X number of months, time to move on.

People will be uncomfortable talking about it - all too soon, family and friends may not want to grieve with you and your wife anymore.

So be there for each other. Cry, scream at the universe, whatever you need for closure. If you have a spiritual practice, find out what kind of ritual you can use to help you through this.

We are also here to listen and to hug.

Denise


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

Hi,
My baby was only 16 weeks along but it was a month ago today. I have no idea how I'd be dealing with a full term loss. This forum has helped me if your wife (and you too) want to post. People here are really understanding-there is not a question to weird or an emotion that's considered wrong. Just people trying to get through this hand in hand. For me a memoral garden and some books and poetry have helped. I also have some quirky things like asking people to refer to my baby by her name (Ava) instead of just the 'loss' or whatever. I'm also planing to try again soon-but I don't know if that is a good idea for everyone. I'm sorry. And yes, the both of you have lost a child. Your loss should be acknowledged too dad.


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## robertsmama (Jan 20, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain as a family.







And all I can suggest is for the two of you to hang on to each other as much as you can, but with spaces for alone time when you each need it. You are the only two who really understand. Everyone else (friends, family, etc.) means well, but they will never really get it. Our loss was much, much earlier in the pregnancy and I can't even begin to imagine the pain, anger, and grief you must both be going through, but hope you will be able to talk to one another and share your feelings as you need to. Many hugs to both of you and to your little son.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I'm so sorry. As you probably know, this kind of thing can ruin a marraige. She has to know that you are hurting as much as she is. Don't let her go off and cry alone too often, hold her and cry too. It brings you together on this. Be optimistic for the future and try to be ready and not fearful when your wife is ready to try again. Those things will help her to feel connected to you when it is easy to feel alone and then angry that "he doesn't even care" which is easy to feel when your husband tries to be the support and doesn't talk about it or cry,etc."

Look at the pictures, make a small album or keepsake box for your baby. Talk about each other's features that you see in the baby and about what you had hoped would happen. Know that it happens to a lot of people, but you just don't see them because it's not something people talk about. Knowing that I'm not alone helped me. Our stillbirth changed my dh and me. We're grateful for the change. Sometimes when I see someone who has obviously not experienced something as lifechanging as losing a baby, I envy and pity them at the same time. Envy that they haven't felt the pain, but pity that they haven't felt that deep emotion and love that brings on a real and raw understanding of the human experience. You'll never look at children, mothers, fathers or anyone the same. Your interactions will be deeper and more forgiving. You'll know how to help others who need it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.







s
Lisa


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## vanhack (Jul 23, 2007)

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I will keep coming back to you for any more help when we need it.

Lisa49 I know what you mean immediately, I too feel a lot closer to my beloved wife and best friend now. Aryan has left that special bond with us for the rest of our life. I hope that my wife feels the same, will ask her some time later in the future, she comments on my bravery and all, I hope that I am doing more than enough.


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## vanhack (Jul 23, 2007)

Again a dual post on this forum???


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## Missingchloe (Jul 31, 2007)

Vanhack, I am trying to get a message to you. It is rather lengthy so i do not know if that is why The system won't put it through. I too lost a child. My dearest Chloe louise was born into the arms of God on 24, June 2007. Please reply so I may know that this worked.


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## tree-hugger (Jul 18, 2007)

lisa49 said:


> Don't let her go off and cry alone too often, hold her and cry too. It brings you together on this.
> 
> I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you must be going through, but I just wanted to second this idea from lisa49 because that's what helped the most after my miscarriage.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vanhack* 
Dear all I need your help.

We lost our first child, Aryan on 30th June, at full term at the hospital during a routine C-section operation. We have no idea as to what the cause of death was, all we know is that his heart stopped beating, and this was only discovered after the operation, as the last doppler, 20 minutes prior to the incision, showed signs of a healthy heart. It was a text book pregnancy, which makes it more painful.

I am the father, and would like to know what I can do to help my wife with the grieving, she has finally accepted that he is not with us, but without a reason it is very diffcult, today is Aryan's 1 month b'day, she finally feels anger.

I do wish the world would acknowledge that we father's also feel the loss, all I hear is 'be strong for her'...I suppose society does not know how to deal with this, so advises, or should I say 'passes the buck' to the father to be there. Atleast she and Aryan knows I am a Daddy.

Thanks

Vanhack

I am so sorry!!







We know you are a Daddy now too though so it isn't just your wife and child who know you are a Daddy.









My son died 10 months ago- I'm still struggling very hard. My husband processed Lasius' death very different from me. I have hidden worries that because I'm still so emotional and my husband seems to be so much more together-- I think I'm being ridiculous. But I'm not. I just grieve differently.

I think that you may want to occasionally ask her if she wants to talk about it, or if you want to talk about it tell her. Hold her. Let her cry and scream and be pissed off at the world.

My husband suggested maybe offering an outlet for the anger- street hockey for example.... You take a stick and whack the crap out of the ball at a wall. It helps the frustration.... golfing does too.

I know-- it sounds goofy, but I'm actually starting to enjoy taking a golf club and whacking the ball across the driving range, if only for the joy of venting and not improving my skills.









Oh- and from me, try and laugh with her. Everything seems so petty after losing a child and I occasionally found some comfort in laughing at the petty crap just because I knew how stupid some of the stuff is.


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## Missingchloe (Jul 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vanhack* 
Dear all I need your help.

We lost our first child, Aryan on 30th June, at full term at the hospital during a routine C-section operation. We have no idea as to what the cause of death was, all we know is that his heart stopped beating, and this was only discovered after the operation, as the last doppler, 20 minutes prior to the incision, showed signs of a healthy heart. It was a text book pregnancy, which makes it more painful.

I am the father, and would like to know what I can do to help my wife with the grieving, she has finally accepted that he is not with us, but without a reason it is very diffcult, today is Aryan's 1 month b'day, she finally feels anger.

I do wish the world would acknowledge that we father's also feel the loss, all I hear is 'be strong for her'...I suppose society does not know how to deal with this, so advises, or should I say 'passes the buck' to the father to be there. Atleast she and Aryan knows I am a Daddy.

Thanks

Vanhack

Vanhack, I just thought I'd see if you were here. I wanted to leave this for you earlier. I wrote it for my dear Chloe... I am having this piece cut in stone with a statue and am presenting with all of the families whose children lay in the same section as our dearest Chloe. Dedicated to all of them...

God's Garden

We look to the heavens in prayer for our little ones
Might be held safe under the wings of angels.
Too, shed a tear in hope as we know
Jesus loves all children.
And I shall walk through this garden,
I shall take it all in and behold its beauty,
And, I pause in a moment of silence as I kneel in
Heaven's garden.
I see my little angel at play as I close mine eyes.
I see her running, and she spreads her wings,
Taken flight on the wings of an angel.
I see for now, all, as it shall remain and carry forth
I will pause and watch closely as my little angel dances
With the fireflies in the peace of night.
I shall walk amongst the words carved in stone
And reflect,
I shall take joy as I pause, closing mine eyes, and I watch my dear
Little angel play in God's garden&#8230;

For: Chloe

Michael Shawn Groseclose

Copyright 2007 Michael Shawn Groseclose/ At first sight. All rights reserved

Vanhack, please contact me through my e-mail, or, my URL at www.myspace.com/poetsink O-kay. I would really like to talk. There is just so much I have not been able to say. It has all been, well, what you are experiencing.


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## vanhack (Jul 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Missingchloe* 
Vanhack, please contact me through my e-mail, or, my URL at www.myspace.com/poetsink O-kay. I would really like to talk. There is just so much I have not been able to say. It has all been, well, what you are experiencing.

Missingchloe, thank you for the poem.









Please check your private messages, I have sent you my email address.

Take care

Vanhack


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## vanhack (Jul 23, 2007)

To all that have shared their loss, I am so sorry...

Thank you to all that have reached out. Both of us are feeling very angry at the moment, but we are not getting angry at each other thankfully.


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## sewinmama (May 3, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. The lack of acknowledgement and support for the Daddy is something that my DP noticed and missed too.

We keep items and pictures that remind us of our dear Chloe around and just look at each other and say I miss her. It is hard for others to talk about her with us, but we seem to be able to say it to each other. The lines of communication are just really open between us and even though we blame ourselves sometimes, we make a point of not blaming each other.

Just give her permission to feel what she feels and to talk to you about it and ask her to do the same. Just love each other through the loss. DP has been a huge support for me. Use whatever distraction you both might be interested in. We brought our other children to several parades over the 4th of July week which was shortly after our loss. Distraction is not a substitute for your baby, but can help you to start feeling normal again when you're ready.

Huge hugs and prayers to you and your wife.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vanhack* 
To all that have shared their loss, I am so sorry...

Thank you to all that have reached out. Both of us are feeling very angry at the moment, but we are not getting angry at each other thankfully.

That is so important. DH and I fought a lot after our 4th miscarriage and after a while we just shut each other out and pretended to be happy. Now that we are trying to get pregnant again we are having to really work at our communication and supporting each other through this really scary time.

As a mother who has has several miscarriages (although never a full term loss) I would say that the one thing my husband could have done to help me more would have been to show me his grief and pain too. He was trying to be strong for me adn the result was that I felt like I was the only person who cared that our baby had died.


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## Missingchloe (Jul 31, 2007)

Hey there,

I had written a long and heart felt message, but, it failed to gop through as I am still getting used to this site. I will tell you that as far as helping your DW mourn to heal, I had a bear that I made from Wackybear for Chloe. I put her dress that she wore in the hospital on the bear. I of course have writen a few pieces. I also make jewelry and have made some name bracelets for her. I took My DP and Children to childrens memorial park here in Mankato and released handmade cards and a bracelet on Pink hulium balloons. Sent Chloe cards to heaven. I hope that whoever finds the bracelet has a daughter and sees the meaning behind it.
I am finishing the baby nook! I am building Chloe her faith chest. I am placing it in the nook for the other children to sit, look at her picture, read to her and cry if needed. I planted a garden for her. and went through with her announcements. Unfortunately they reflect "Chloe Louise, Born into the arms of God on 24 June, 2007". I made a powerpoint presentation for her as well with pictures in the hospital, graveside, and Childrens Memorial park. We used Billy Joels Lulabye as a song on the Memorial. If I had your e-mail and if you have powerpoint I can send it to you, show you what I did. My Dp asked why I was doing it! Well, I went to cook dinner and she took over. She found that it was helping with that healing process. If You would like I can do some work for you guys. [email protected]. I would like to write something for him as well... If you want.








I have since volunteered at the hospital for such support if needed. Tell your DW that we are crying with you. You know, I was going to tell you that Chloe and Aryan were playing together. They are... My post froze!!!!







: It only took me 4 postings to get that short bit to you! I am going to leave you with this piece I wrote for our dearest Chloe.

Nightlights for Chloe

In the peace of night amidst the calm I kneel and
Pray at her side, and, mine own tears well deep within.

All, as you blink an eye and our world is changed ever-more.
Surrendered for what would be a lifetime,

In the calm of night, I assure you little one, that I will remain
By your side forever-more.

In the dark of night as you sleep, there, as we watch the fireflies
Amidst your resting place, a tear is shed.

There is no need to fear the dark little one, as, the night is lit by
The glow amongst the flowers and the trees.

As I watch, as I wipe my tears from mine eyes, I smile and know
That God is here and I am comforted by the soft glow which surrounds us.

I bow my head and feel the earth which surrounds you,
Thus, I thank God as I know there is no darkness here.

I am grateful for this gift and am comforted by knowing God has sent
Nightlights for Chloe&#8230;

For Chloe

Michael Shawn Groseclose

Copyright 2007 Michael Shawn Groseclose/At first sight. All rights reserved.


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## angela dawn (Sep 25, 2006)

I remember the anger I felt after we lost our first baby Maddy. I was sooo mad at that creator I couldnt think straight.. My fiance John went through a different grieveing process then I did. He focused his energy on honoring our girl. He would sit up till the wee hours and photo shop all of her pics. he made a beautiful cd disc with her pics and music. We would sleep with her little sleeper that she wore in between the both of us, plus we each had a recieving blanket that she was wrapped in. In the first couple of months after she passed ( she was stillborn at 39 wks for unknown reasons) we would talk about her constantly, we talked about our hopes and dreams that we had for her. we still to this day talk about our firstborn, we wonder how she looks now and what she is doing up in heaven. It feels good to have these conversations with my fiance, it brings us closer together. We went through this together, not just me. You and your wife are still parents even though your baby is not here.

Im not sure where I am going with this post, but I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you are gentle with yourself. Take time to grieve with your wife.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Hey vanhack,

Just wondering how you are doing--


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## soccermominsd (Feb 8, 2006)

I am so sorry for you & your wife


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## curlynerdgirl (Oct 1, 2007)

I'm so sorry about your loss. I just lost a pregnancy at 7 weeks, but even so, my husband and I were devastated. I can only tell you from my experience as the mom that what helped me most was hearing my husband talk about how it affected him. The loss makes you feel alone and as if your body betrayed you, so just having my husband talk to me about how he felt make me feel less alone. Also, talking about other aspects of our life together, like hopes and aspirations has really helped to give some perspective on the fact that we will still go on and have a life etc, even if we've lost someone. Of course, I can only imagine that this will be a million times harder in your case, but it might help. I don't want him to 'do' things for me other than keep a close emotional bond with me. Any kind of loss is so isolating that having that closeness can make all the difference.

I know that my mom's first baby was still-born (he stopped breathing in the birth canal) and it was completely devastating. But as she reminds me, after him came my brother and myself, so there is always the possibility of a happy ending. Maybe you and your wife don't need that kind of chirpy enthusiasm now, but eventually it might help.

Take care of each other.


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## SquibsNCrackers (Oct 21, 2005)

I am so sorry. I join others in acknowledging your grief as a father. It is indeed a shared loss. Words cannot describe or alleviate the intensity and shock of mourning your child's death just at the moment you anticipated his arrival with joy and expectation.

Having acknowledged your loss as a father, and I hope without appearing to minimize it in any way, I would add that there are physical components to your wife's experience of loss that you can't share but can support. Breasts filled with milk for a child who isn't there, healing from surgery with the feeling that it was all for nothing, feeling like it was somehow her fault since it was her body that carried him, the hormonal transition out of pregnancy ~ these are a torture unique to the mama, whose body had been preparing for 9 months for a fulfillment that is now denied. Her body doesn't know about the loss and takes longer than the mind to accept the fact. It's hell walking around in a body that thinks it should be nursing and nesting and cuddling when there's no one there to receive.

My son was stillborn 9 years ago this November. I could not describe adequately to my dh the physical dimension of my grief. It helped, though, just to have him listen and acknowledge that what was happening was real. I also wanted him to be physically near. Not doing anything specific, not touching me in any particular way - just being home when he could, in the same room, quiet - his physical proximity was soothing to me in a wordless way that many other things were not.

I echo others who have said not to rush the grieving process. Be gentle with yourself and her; give yourselves time, time, time, even when well-meaning others may feel you should be over it "by now". Vent here or wherever you have support about the shock, the anger, the sadness. Also, be prepared to be surprised at the intensity of feeling that may show up around the anniversary of his death. I was floored by my reaction the first year. As the years have passed, my feelings have become more bittersweet than devastating, but my son is never forgotten.

Blessings on your way.


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## WaturMama (Oct 6, 2006)

I couldn't read this and not post. Though I realize the original post was a while ago I'm sure it is still quite relevant to offer my heartfelt condolences to you and your wife. Your loss sounds so shocking and heartbreaking. I am so, so sorry.

I hope that some answers have come to you, whether from the outside or the inside in this time. Given the thoughtfulness with which you wrote this post, I imagine you are doing well with staying connected with your wife. The intention itself is such a major step. The image that came to me when I thought if I had any advice to give was of really looking into each other's eyes and listening, or even just looking in each other's eyes and being with your emotions however they without saying anything.

All my best wishes.


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