# Losing both twins....9 wks...



## Caroline (Jul 12, 2002)

I was 9 wks. yesterday but it looks like our miracle is over. An ultra sound yesterday showed no heart beat and that he/she had stopped growing sometime last week. What makes this even harder is that I had already lost this baby's twin at 5 wks. and was so sure that I would at least have one baby in March. My husband and I saw it's heart beating at 175 bpm last Tuesday and everything appeard fine, but I became very sick on Thursday-Saturday (low grade fever) and believe that virus has caused me to lose this baby.

I am in so much emotional pain right now it feels unbearable. I know this won't kill me but it feels very much that way at the moment. We conceived through IVF after a long struggle with secondary infertility and may be too afraid to gamble with our emotions and money again on another attempt. Now, I just wait for nature to take it's couse....

How do we get through this???!!!!!!!!!!

-Hadley


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## Breathe (May 18, 2002)

Oh, Hadley, I am so very sorry for your losses. You and your dh must be distraught. I'm sorry I can't offer any suggestions on how to get through this, but I wanted you to know that I was touched by your post and that I'm thinking of you and sending you healing vibes. I hope you'll have time and space to be gentle with yourselves as you grieve.

Love, love, love to you!


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## Mollie (Mar 12, 2002)

I'm so sorry to hear your news... I have been there, I know how devestating that is.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Hadley, I'm sorry this loss has brought you here. You've been through such a rollercoaster ride and your in a deep state of shock right now.

Please accept help from the people around you. Keep your body hydrated and try to rest when ever possible.

I'd like to offer my support to you. This forum is a gentle and loveing space for you to move thorugh your greif - you may lean on us.


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## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

I am so sorry, Hadley.
Much love to you and your family.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I am so sorry for your losses. ((HUGS)) to you and your family.


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## festivus1 (Jul 22, 2002)

People will get sick of seeing my story pasted in, but reading other people's stories is one of the things that helped me through the time after my miscarriage so here goes (it was in respsonse to a post on another forum):

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Your posts brought tears to my eyes, dear. I related sooo much to what you wrote. I think that as with any other death, people (including ourselves, unfortunately) expect us to grieve quickly and neatly and within a certain time frame and then we're done. Yeah, right, huh?

As I'm sure all of you here must have felt, I was devastated when I miscarried. Here were all these innocent hopes and dreams of a child I was to have, gone. While pregnant I had imagined life with that child, what he would be like, how he would love me, how we would love him, etc. After I miscarried, I felt so naive for thinking nothing could go wrong. I had already fallen head over heels for this child without yet feeling him move or seeing his face. I say "he" b/c it was just the feeling I had that he was a boy.

For months afterward, I felt depression and loss to my core. It made me question my faith. I thought that if you lead a good life, things like that didn't happen. I was secretly angry at other women who were pregnant. I missed my baby.

I felt markedly better after a couple of months, but the feelings were easily brought to the surface for quite awhile after. It's not something I think of often now (that's the good news - it does get better), but still, reading your posts even, brought tears of remembrance to my eyes.

I think your feelings are completely normal. There is no time limit to grief. I did see a counselor, initially for something else, but also to process my loss. I was fortunate to have a very supportive husband and family who recognized that this was a child we had lost.

Some things that helped me were some of the things that you are doing. Talking to people was the big one. Let me qualify that: talking to people who understood and didn't say ridiculous things like, "Oh, you can have other kids", "You were only five weeks along", "Now you get to have fun trying", and on and on. You all know those words and more.

I kept a scrapbook of all the cards I received, test results, and poems that I had found that really spoke to me and that child. I found some wonderful books at the library and copied out pages that were helpful and that I identified with. I bought an angel ornament for the Christmas tree so that each year we would remember that child and any of our future children will know in their time. I found it important to name that child. To recognize him as a person.

Thank you for what you wrote. It helped me remember. It is so much easier to think about these days. I look back and feel blessed by that little soul. While I was carrying him I felt so very special and full of life. Almost invincible and full of hope. What a gift he gave me if only for a short time.

Be gentle with yourself. Whatever you are feeling is normal. I'm not saying that someone might not need medication if the depression is overwhelming and interfering with life, I'd be the last to say that. But, "grief hurts and it isn't pretty". That's what we're dealing with here. You have every right to still mourn that baby! Don't shortchange yourself!!!

Much love!

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I am so sorry you are facing this... It is heartwrenching.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

festivus1, never sick of hearing your story! This is a place of growth, greif, sharing and healing. Everyone's story is deeply touching and by talking about our losses, we gain the ability to work through and help others in thier greif work.

Gentleness to you and everyone.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I can't imagine having to go through something back to back like that. I am so sorry.

I cannot imagine what you are going through...


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## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

Sorry to pop up here again...

Festivus1,
Your post reminded me exactly how I felt after we lost our baby at 10 1/2 weeks.







Thank you so much for sharing.

Hadley,
I wanted to recommend a book to you that helped me a lot after my m/c.
_Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart_ by Marie Allen and Shelly Marks. It was like my own little form of counseling, and helped me a great deal. I really had no one to talk to about what I was experiencing (my dh was great, but didn't totally get it







) , but this book let me know I wasn't alone.

Take care of yourselves


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## Caroline (Jul 12, 2002)

I feel so much support and freedom to fall apart right now. I never really allow myself to do that but it appears that that is what I need to do right now -- let myself be in total despair. My husband and I have talked about having our own private memorial for our babies. I am thinking about beautiful stepping stones in our garden by the lilac tree we planted when my husband's grandmother died. I need to have a place to go that doesn't feel painful one day; a place to give recognition to the love I have for them, and surrounding their memory in flowers seems appropriate.

Festivus, that is the most beautiful expression of what it feels like to lose your baby. Thank you for sharing that again --

JenJen, I will definitely buy that book today, thank you so much.

-Hadley


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## festivus1 (Jul 22, 2002)

JenJen: I think that's the book I read after I miscarried!!! Did it have lots of personal stories from women interspersed? If it is the same book, I remember reading it and crying - sad, but healing tears - and I copied some of the stories that I related to and put them in a journal that I kept with the scrapbook I made for that baby.

Hadley: I think your stepping stone idea is wonderful. I just made a stepping stone with my oldest son (we went on to have two boys after our miscarriage) and it is very easy and just beautiful! I wish I had thought of that back when I miscarried. I think it would be healing just to make it, but also to be able to go sit by, etc.

I also have a book called Our Stories of Miscarriage by Faldett and Fitton and it's really good, too. It just helped me so much to hear other people's stories and it is healing to give back.


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## Annais (Jul 26, 2002)

Festivus1-
Yep, that's it! I read it in maybe one or two days, and cried the entire time. It really helped.
I'm in the process of reading Our Stories of Miscarriage, too. I've been reading a story or two a week lately. I've found the books that deal specifically with miscarriage were so much more helpful to me. There are quite a few that talk about m/c, still births and infant death in the same book, and for some reason I couldn't handle that very well. I just think they are all entirely different experiences (not that one is more or less painful than the others)...do you know what I mean? I guess I'm not explaining myself that well. And I might be wrong about the "entirely different experiences" thing, since I only have experience with one.
Hmmm....Maybe I just wasn't ready to deal with the possibility of the other two, it was all too painful.
Sorry for the ramblings







:


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## festivus1 (Jul 22, 2002)

I know what you mean and I felt the same way reading that book. I couldn't relate to it as well. I do think the experiences are different, but like you I've only experienced the one. That's funny that we read the same books!


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## festivus1 (Jul 22, 2002)

OMGosh!!! JenJen, I just noticed that you named your baby Jacob. That is what we named the baby we lost to miscarriage, too!!!!!!!!


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## lamplighter (Nov 20, 2001)

This is a late post, I am reading threads today...I am sorry for your loss and hope that you find a way to peace. I found that journaling, and planning the ceremony for our sweet one was what I had to do. Dh and I will plant more flowering herbs in our memorial garden and have a service. I am also making a doll to place in the garden, inside the doll will be a pad which has some of the the blood from my m/c. I will also light a candle and leave it burning in the garden(ina safe way) until it goes out by itself.

We have yet to do this service due to my health problems.

good luck and peace to you,
Beth


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