# Here. The journey is almost over



## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Its official.
I miscarried.
Well I missed miscarrying.
So I still have the hard work to do.
I got the suppositories.
I knew. I always knew I wasn't 100% pregnant.
Guess time to change my signature.


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

I'm so sorry Shiloh. I just sent you a PM, before noticing this post. I also feel very very blessed to have my DS and to have had such a perfect pregnancy for him. I think it really helps to have that to cherish. I am with you on the waiting, as I said in my PM I have had not one bit of spotting even, and the baby stopped growing almost a month ago. I am hoping this is over with soon for both of us, so we can move on. Love and hugs.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

No spotting or cramps.

My hormones are coming down slightly, but not much.
If it hadn't been for those u/s I'd be buying baby clothes...


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

I'm in the same place, hormones still high, just waiting and waiting and nothing. Hugs...


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I thought I would really want a D&C or the pills.

I thought it would be more traumatic to be pregnant but not pregnant....
I am really not interesting in assualting my body, I have been emotionally assaulted enough.

I also wonder if it is better to let my hormones "slide" than drop off a cliff.

I also heard that HCG can help you lose weight...lol....never been my experience.

But I am going to start exercising, detox and fast.

I am back at work today, my boss is being really sweet, but it made me cry.

And I don't think I cried yesterday.


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## Bena (Jan 26, 2008)

Yeah, when I went back to work, my boss was really sweet also (she generally is a pretty harsh and direct woman, so it was shocking!) and it made me cry also!

Do take care of yourselve, both physically and emotionnaly; it's the most important thing you can do right now!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I figured I needed it over,
I have a business trip on the 3rd.
I took the misoprostol at 1:25,
The kids are home with colds and my friend is here.
Took the painkillers.
I have had the runs for 3 weeks, so I'm more worried about vommiting.
Maybe II'll lose some water weight.
There has to be an upside...........

started bleeding at 4:30.
Not that much cramping.
I am relieved its working.
But not passing anything besides blood and not that much of it.

6:15 regular period, no clots, really little pain.

12:30 felt the urge to push, expelled a large clot with a fleshy type structure attached.
I think that was the sac, I inspected it, and it was empty.

Tomorrow second dose.
Didn't take another pain killer.

Not much movement or bleeding from second dose.
that actually gets me a bit worried.
I wait....

5:30
Still like a heavy period but not that heavy.
I probably only soaked 2 pads if I put them together..

Sunday still bleeding steady.
The bleeding was obscene on Monday.
Tuesday better.
Thursday just spotting, but still red.

I go into the hospital tomorrow morning.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Folllow up visit.

Retained tissue.

Had a D&C at 3pm.

I cried from 10am until surgery.

But hopefully it is actually over now.

DP came, held my hand and took me out for dinner after.

He was really sweet and complimentary, however I am not sure "you look so attractive" is something I wanted to hear in recovery....

but I guess it beats you look like crap 

D&C I was out for less than 10 minutes, minimal bleeding and hardly any cramping.

I asked the dr before how often the pills fail - she said 20% of the time...i never heard that said when I got the pills.

DP said she told me 1 in 5 but I was "not quite there" at that time....

What a journey.


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

Im so sorry you had to go through all that Shiloh. I finally miscarried this week. Three days of kind of scary bleeding and feeling dizzy, and then I finally passed placenta and the bleeding pretty much stopped. So I'm hoping that was it. They dont do a follow up u/s at my OBs, so I guess I will just have to wait a couple weeks to make sure my bHCG goes down to zero.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I actually stopped bleeding today!

I would ask for a follow up ultrasound especially if you are going to ttc.

I have an appointment with the hemo. doctor later in the month.


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

Good luck with your TTC Shiloh! I really truly hope you have a healthy pregnancy with a strong, sticky baby soon.

We will not be ttc for a while. This was actually from my first PP egg after my son, and I was honestly a bit freaked out to be pregnant again already, even tho he is now 15 months. I really didnt realize I would feel that way. So, the plan is to avoid for a few months and "re-evaluate" in the fall!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Oh I am not going to TTC anytime soon.
I figured though I need to get on track

I am taking my aspirin, vitamins, have my blood work done.

This has all been so traumatizing for both of us.

I am going to busy myself getting my life streamlined, easier, do the big projects....


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

Oh I see. I understand completely. DH and I have talked a lot and we DO want another baby soon, but we want a chance to do the same things: Be sure we are up on vitamins, focus on healthy eating, etc., and I want a chance for my body to cycle normally a few times first. Now that the MC is over, I actually feel a lot more open to being pregnant again than I thought I would, since a couple weeks ago I felt like I would never ever want to get pg again. I think we have decided to TTC in the fall, as long as I feel ready then. Good luck with everything and take care!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I am emotionally feeling a lot better.

But I am not ready for the rollercoaster any time soon!


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better!

My first pregnancy WAS perfect! (Birth was another story... but the pregnancy truly was!) Maybe I am naive to hope for another one that is similar??

We dtd yesterday for the first time since finding out the baby was not alive. So it had been 7 weeks! DH kept saying he wanted me to heal first. I don't think I want to go back on the bcp, even though it worked well for me for the first 8 years of my marriage. One of the reasons is that I am still breastfeeding my son so don't want to mess with the milk supply. So NFP for us, for now.

Take care of yourself Shiloh, and I hope to hear that you've conceived your rainbow baby when you are good and ready.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

MY first pregnancy was perfect too.
Birth = 3rd degree episiotomy - forcepts...
We DTD today for the first time, was fine at the time.
Now I feel sore and crampy.
The D&C was 10 days ago.
I did go back on bc rainbows are great,
I've just decided to live my life knowing a rainbow will appear sometime.
Keep up the aspirin, prenatals, folic.
I stopped the sleeping pills, going to pregnancy hemotologist, going to hunt down my blood work, get everything as healthy as possible
The miscarriage was such a dark place I never want to return to.


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

Wow our experiences are quite similar then... I had a planned home birth with a beautiful labor that ended with hospital transfer/episiotomy/forceps/4th degree tear after 4 hours of pushing.

Glad you are focusing on taking care of yourself!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I stand corrected! I googled 4rth degree tear....yes I had a straight through my rectum.

I had a spinal block, it took 40 minutes to stitch.

I asked the dr what she was doing...inside, middle, inside, outside....

I could barely walk for a month.

Wow add another badge to my motherhood uniform....

(*how are you doing now? I got a surgical date booked because it still feels "funny" after so many years...

the surgeon didn't check me just look at my history - 4 babies delivered vaginally, a brutal tear....

then checked me and said there's nothing wrong...but I still feel wrong.

When I am all done and get my tubes tied I will go see about getting it all fixed.

I am sure there's scar tissue or something wrong.

It was a malposition. She was 7.5 pounds.

My next baby was 10.5...I thought my ob was trying to kill me by not offering me a section.

2 pushes, zero tearing.

the sun comes out.....eventually.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

got the "pathology report" turns out no fetal tissue, blood clots and chorionic villi present ....

not sure what that really means - part of the placenta? Or the entire placenta?


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
> 
> got the "pathology report" turns out no fetal tissue, blood clots and chorionic villi present ....
> 
> not sure what that really means - part of the placenta? Or the entire placenta?


Part of the placenta, yes. The placenta has multiple layers/tissue types within it and the chorionic villi are small projections of tissue of fetal origin. This tissue is what is sampled for some types of prenatal genetic testing (CVS).


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

i have done urine hcg tests and they have all come back negative.

I started cramping at week 2 past the d&c.

Not sure what that's about, i hate my body it hates me...


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## thecoffeebean (Apr 11, 2011)

Hi Shiloh, I'm sorry to hear about your recent loss. I'm guessing that your body is trying to ovulate. Do you normally have ovulation symptoms? Usually I tend to ovulate 3 weeks after a D&C, but it could happen anytime in that 2-4ish week range.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

That might make sense. The cramping is really driving me nuts though as it hasnt stopped.

Is that what you get coffeebean?

It almost reminds me of pregnancy cramping - but I am not pregnant - as I expect the bc to work....

I think its part of distrusting my body...I do get some midcycle discomfort but really I have lost touch with my body and its cues...

I can't believe you have mde it through so many losses!

How do you approach healing?


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
> 
> I stand corrected! I googled 4rth degree tear....yes I had a straight through my rectum.
> 
> ...


I just saw this post... sorry it's been so long!

16 months after my tear, I feel good. Still weak sphincter muscles, but for the most part quite continent, and no pain. I had pain with the scar tissue with sex until about 7-8 months, but it feels better now. My baby was not malpositioned at all, and really not that huge (8 lb, 1 oz) but I had (have?) some abnormal bands of very tough, non stretching tissue that prevented him from crowning. I am afraid that the docs that repaired my tear stitched these bands back together also, and I will be seeing a surgeon before I get pregnant again, to see if any kind of procedure or therapy can make birth easier next time. I am very glad to hear that your larger, next baby was born "easily"!


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## thecoffeebean (Apr 11, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Shiloh*
> 
> That might make sense. The cramping is really driving me nuts though as it hasnt stopped.
> Is that what you get coffeebean?
> ...


Hi Shiloh,

Sorry for only just now seeing your response. I don't normally get more than a few ovulation cramps, but I know that everything tends to be "off" after a miscarriage (& a D&C). Did the cramping go away? I am just starting my first AF after the most recent loss. It's such a strange, painful reminder of what I lost.

I am surprised that I've made it through this many as well. It helps that we know the reason (balanced translocation- DH's). It's strange, but each loss has taken me to a different place, and this latest one was terrible, but showed me just how joyful the rest of my life is. I don't know if that makes sense but I guess when I recovered and started to get my bearings, I looked around and saw wonderful, supportive friends and family who wanted to help in any way they could. No, they're not perfect, but I guess I just am seeing how lucky I am to have them all lately. And when I get that sticky baby down the road- look out! There is going to be one heck of celebration. I can't wait!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

The cramping has not stopped!

I am still just spotting how was your first AF?

I pray for your sticky baby, I can't believe you have made it through so many losses.

You are a strong woman, I am not sure I could be that strong.

So three days of pink spotting has now gone to brown.

I am just so confused.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I am now even more confused.

So I took out the nuvaring and only spotted those three days 32-34 days after the D&C.

I was on it this winter and always got a full period, but I was thinking post D&C and maybe I hadn't built a lining or ovulated..

BFN at that point.

The cramping has not stopped but has moved around.

If that was AF I am now CD21

EWCM on CD8-10 (dtd def CD9)

Dry up of the CM on CD11.

So I am thinking I finally ovulated?


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

CD 16-18 cramps (CD19 really bad cramps)

CD 20-21 cramps stopped now 2 days of pink spotting - not even on tp just cervix checking

less than the maybe first "period type spotting" after the D&C.

I am so confused and probably so is my body.

If I tested now do I need FMU?


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## thecoffeebean (Apr 11, 2011)

Yeah, if you're anytime before 14 dpo I'd make sure it's FMU. The hcg is just so low at this point. Good luck!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I have the appointment with the hemotologist (can't spell it lol) tomorrow.

I think testing too early could really set me off if I had a chemical pregnancy.

I am going to ask the specialist if she would put me on lovenox etc for the factor2 if I get pregnant again not just the baby asprin I am on....

if she says not necessary in the first trimester then who knows......

Mind you if I am not and just having a tonne of spotting and cramping I am really worried about ashermans


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

CD 22 Hematologist went well.

And I think I got my period!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So a nice normal period might lay my fears of asherman's to rest!

And encourage me my body has finally hit RESTART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CD 22 Afternoon>>>>>>>>>then I went to the bathroom>>>>>>>

Or it might not. Bleeding stopped.

Total blood loss today would have not been a regular tampon.

Might just test tomorrow.....

CD 22 Night update bleeding kicked back in complete normal period looking no clots red blood...

almost a normal period "in reverse" - spotting, pink, blood, bleeding..

So thankfully no severe ashermans.

And restart has been hit.

CD 23 And then today it stopped again.

I can really only laugh at this point.

Put in tampon 3 hours ago - it was dry - nothing.

I give up, I am going to start thinking of my body as something "new".

Maybe this will help me prepare for menopause.

I never bothered to test, but I am thinking I maybe should go see my gp.

CD 24 I woke up to some bleeding, informed dp as he wanted to dtd that I might bleed...

and didn't - just pink

CD25 Just watery pink.

in like a lamb out like a lamb?

cramps have stopped.

I am told that CD22 was actually CD1.

So it was a 21 day cycle and it was probably my period my mw said.

Then I spotted again! On CD 12. But just one day and really just pink turn to red to brown.

Really body and mother nature what gives?
I am sure its breakthrough bleeding or post dtd or ovulation bleeding.

(*but I have never had that)

Spotted again today CD18, just pink ewcm in the afternoon - all tp no pad.

Really body...really?

That bleeding was a period - well still is.

But I am very happy to report - the cramping has stopped.

So the pre period spotting was almost crampless. I had some cramps yesterday.

Its odd though very little in the way of clots. I wonder if that's because my uterus got polished smooth?


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

This journey never ends eh?

I was getting 20-22 day light periods.

Then last month I bled almost every day (maybe 5 days no spotting)

But the good news is my period is now getting longer as I am no CD27 and no AF yet!

I was a little worried so I tested BFN. Rainbows are great but not in the middle of a snow storm!

I am thinking the 20-22 with spotting was all nonovulatory type or some lpdefect.

Finally almost 4 months after my baby grew wings and lost her feet my body is getting back to a new normal.


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## porcelina (May 2, 2007)

Hi Shiloh, just reading through your story. I am so sorry this has been such a long process for you. I also took cytotec in 2005, and it was a very long journey to get back to normal. Wishing you the best!


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## Tenk (Oct 6, 2006)

I wanted to tell you, Shiloh, after my last loss (Oliver passed at 18 weeks gestation) my c...ycle went crazy and I had cycles from 30 days to 26 days to 32 days and last month it seemed normal *FINALLY* after Oliver passing in January. I hope things become normal for you, mama, and that life becomes easier to live though


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

THere's something about a mc that we forget we are "post partum".

a 28 day cycle finally was such a gift.

I wish we were ttc I am not ready for that, but more ready than I was before if it were to happen.

But atleast with a regular cycle its all healthy.


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## porcelina (May 2, 2007)

Great news! 28 day cycle! Congratulations. I went back to your first post and realize it has taken about 5 months. Wow, that's a long time! But, thankfully, you are there. After I took misoprostol/cytotec in 2005, I bled and spotted for 45 days, including a trip to the ER for a huge clot causing excruciating pain. The first day of a normal cycle occurred about 3 months after my pregnancy LMP. I then struggled to get pregnant again for 7 months (after taking a few months off), only to discover that the pregnancy was an ectopic. 2.5 years later after the cytotec miscarriage, though, we had the birth of our first child. I am wishing you strength for the journey ahead and hope you have much better luck than we did!!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

It has been such a journey.

My first cycles were so bad and so worrying I really thought I had ashermans or something really wrong.

I over did it then with the asprin and ended up in a spotting nightmare.

Its so odd to think I'd be almost 7 months pregnant today.

But I have four lovely children and my body is healthy again.

My family is complete even though I am still a bid sad.

Maybe there is a rainbow in my future, but I doubt it will be planned.

I am almost 40 and my youngest just turned 4.

I have actually thought about tying my tubes, not sure I'd survive a 2nd loss.


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## Tenk (Oct 6, 2006)

We are in a similar spot, Shiloh.

Oliver died in January at 18w and I had a D&E (he was too big for a D&C) procedure done. After the procedure my uterus wouldn't clamp down properly and I bled terribly and had awful pain. It took hours and multiple nurses and eventually an OB before anyone would believe that I was bleeding too heavily. After a few hours things calmed down and prior to this past cycle (was 32 days which is MY normal) I was all over the place. I had 26, 27, 28, 31, 34, 35 and not necessarily in that order day cycles. I would bleed so bad that I needed to STAY in the bedroom/bathroom area for 3, 4, 5 days each cycle too. Finally last month, September, 9 months after our son passed I had a day of spotting, 2 days of heavy bleeding, and 1 more day of spotting, I O'd on day 20, and had AF again on day 32. I even mentioned to DH that it felt normal versus the crazy where I had been. I'm hopeful that this month we were successful, although I'm terrified of pregnancy with so many losses. And even though he was against trying again at one time because of how awful it was for us both (11 pregnancies and 5 living children) he was very ... um ... helpful this month as well LOL.

I'm wishing you peace dear friend, on your journey, no matter where it leads you.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

This month I thought I was getting back to normal.
I started spotting day 15/16 maybe post ovulation bleeding.
Just want to be normal.
Went into ER last night same hospital I had d&c....bawled like a baby.
Lucky to be there alone


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

second normal period 28 days post d&c!
Feeling like a normal woman again!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Asking for prayers.
DP mentioned rainbows.


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## OSUvet (Jun 19, 2009)

Sending prayers your way Shiloh!


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Thanks I am terrified to get pregnant again though.

I am now on day 43, no period insight.

Oddly I think the shock of knowing he might want to try for a rainbow halted my body.
Temping - no ovulation. Lol.

And 8 negative early response tests...

We are going away after Christmas, I think we will have a good heart to heart then.

My due date is in ten days. I need to make it past that.

I am buying myself something really special this weekend.

And trying to find a way to mark the day besides tears.
I keep thinking I'd have had a nb for Christmas, not a cruise.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

My due date was horrific.
My contract ended, dp picked me up to take me for lunch. I bawled.
Christmas was hellish.
January us showed blocked tubes, no ovarian action, thin endometrium. I kept taking my pills. Gyno talking hysterectomy if I didn't want to try to preserve my fertility through surgery etc cause I have prolapses that require surgery. I gave up. Made peace with the fact I got 4 kids, 1 angel, I'm done.
I didn't miss a pill.
Didn't skip a pill.
Wasn't late.

Tested with dollarstore test partly to see if we were going to have a happy vday. I expected roses I got a rainbow.
I'm pregnant.


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## porcelina (May 2, 2007)

Congratulations! Here's to a sticky pregnancy!!


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## mamacatsbaby (Jul 27, 2005)

Congratulations Shiloh! I've been following your story. Wow! What an amazing surprise







. Here's to a sticky, healthy, pregnancy that ends with you holding a nice, fat, healthy, baby my dear







. ( <- - - - - - - sticky-baby sparkling apple cider







)


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Thanks mamas!
Hopefully my journey won't bring me back here except to support other mamas. I'm trying to relax, enjoy being pregnant. Funny how when I gave up entirely it happened.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

For all my loss 2012 mamas.
I am pregnant with rainbow #2 .
The loss never leaves.
My hcg at 7.5 weeks was almost 70k, still huge anxiety, going back to see psychiatrist.


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