# Guilt over formerly spanking



## OliveJewel (Feb 7, 2008)

I have two boys, 6 and 2.5, and am expecting our 3rd in March. When my first was around 18 mos. we moved to our current city and had no family or friend support. Also I started hanging with a bunch of mamas who many spanked their kids (even though it was a baby-wearing group). At first I just felt so much relief at being able to have moms that i could vent my frustrations with, but over time I found myself so frustrated and felt like I didn't know what to do when my toddler did normal (in retrospect) toddler destructive things. Also I was spanked a lot as a kid even into my teens by my father--and he always did it in a rage. As a young adult I tried to tell him how upset all that spanking made me, but he was unrepentant and even flippantly told me that he wished that he had spanked me *more* and my older brother less (he certainly got a lot more of it when we were young.) That was about 15 years ago. Now I actually live with my parents! I have forgiven my father for what he did and my mother for not intervening. My father does *not* spank my kids.

So when my oldest was around 18 months I started spanking him. I think I first did it because he wouldn't hold still during diaper changes. Like flopping and rolling and kicking and laughing. When I saw that it "worked" then it spread out from there. I remember it was always a battle in my mind to try not to do it. Like one time I watched Super Nanny and was all gung ho about the naughty chair because it "wasn't spanking". But then when he wouldn't stay in it that lead to spanking. I have some horrible memories of having "gone too far" in my spanking him and feeling so sad and distraught after. I remember telling myself that "that" was the last time and I would never do it again, but then sometimes later the *same* day I would be spanking him again. I think a big wake-up call came when his daycare provider told me that he was threatening to spank another little girl for being "bad". That broke my heart. I think it was around the time that he was three when I finally was able to fully rid myself of spanking him. He was 3 1/2 when his little brother was born. When the little one was around six months we found a playgroup that had no spankers in it at all, and I felt so refreshed and soaked up all their techniques for handling "difficult" behavior. I never spanked the little one and never will spank again.

I feel like such a hypocrite toward my first. He was uncirc'd and unvax'd, EC'd for the first year (until I had to get a job), co-slept, and nursed until almost 3 years old. But then I did *that* to him. I know that what I did will have lasting effects, but I just hope that by him seeing the more peaceful parenting toward his younger siblings and the fact that I have talked with him many times about how wrong I was to do that that it will mitigate the effects that I left on him. Sometimes I feel like the older is more aggressive or has a worse temper because of what I did. It also reminds me (on my good days) to be extra patient with him considering our rocky start. He is very strong-spirited and smart and independent, and I am thankful for all those qualities.

I still yell when I am really frustrated and that is what I am working on now. I don't like it when my kids yell at me, so why do I do it? I have moments that I am proud of where I stop myself from yelling and walk over to my kid to talk to them instead. I am proud of myself in those moments. I suppose I could be proud that I stopped spanking, but I don't think there's any pride associated with it at all, just shame.


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## mnj77 (Dec 31, 2006)

Everyone is a work in progress, but not everyone has the self-awareness and strength to make positive changes! What a great example for your son - you identified a behavior you didn't like and figured out how to make it better. I probably would stop talking about it to your son now. You apologized, have genuine remorse, and won't repeat the behavior. Now it's time to move forward!


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## OliveJewel (Feb 7, 2008)

Thank you, Marisa! I think just putting this out there is part of the healing. This all kind of came up when I read this article by a woman who was recovering from her own childhood spankings. It made me really look more closely at what happened in my own situation and I just needed to talk about the guilt. Moving forward is good!


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## mnj77 (Dec 31, 2006)

Wow, that article described a really sick situation! Maybe this isn't popular to say around MDC, but there ARE plenty of people who were spanked through their whole childhood and didn't turn out to be aggressive sociopaths. Clearly, I don't condone or practice spanking, but I don't think you've ruined your kid for all time  Best of luck on your healing journey!


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

I've wanted to post something similar for a LONG time and could not bring myself to do it. I too finally had to just swear one day I was not going to do it again....it was when I read Love and Logic..a book I almost totally dismissed due to really hating a couple of ideas in the early scenarios...that I finally got the persepective I guess that I needed to find my "something else" and ignore all the garbage I can't control. (like words I'd rather not hear. Spanking does not make them quit saying that. I have no control in fact over what words they are going to use. I *can* control what effect it's going to have on me.)

It's a day by day thing but it's been a long time now and I don't see going back. Good for you!


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