# i'd like to start a thread for moms who had a stillborn baby and have had a living child after that



## kfillmore (Oct 23, 2008)

Would anyone join me?

In brief (very) about me.

Our first child was stillborn at 30 weeks. That was 3 1/2 years ago. He was a boy, which was unexpected.

We now have a wonderful 10 month old girl.

My grief and the effects still affect me daily. I feel drained by fear for this baby. That is my main issue. I also, at times morn the fact that I will probably never have a boy. Oh, and I am 44, so may never birth another baby.

katharine


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Can I join? I am almost 39 weeks pregnant with Isobella, a baby we conceived after losing Josie at almost 38 weeks back in October of 2008. Not sure when I'll be giving birth here, but it won't be long, and I need to remain optimistic that even though this little one isn't born yet, she will be - and healthy, and whole!









At this point, being so heavily pregnant I too am very anxious about her safety. But, rationally I know that she _is_ safe inside me and there's nothing to worry about regarding that: the reasons for my first daughter's stillbirth were crushed out before and very shortly after we got pregnant with this one (very high pressure job was one of them).

I know that when Isobella is born I will be extremely protective. I believe at this point, I am the *next* pregnant-after-loss mama due - so all eyes are on me at the moment (unless I am mistaken!) lol!

Nice to meet you mama







XxXxX


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## kfillmore (Oct 23, 2008)

I will muster all the strength I have an send to you.

katharine


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Hi Katharine,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son







Knowing that you may never birth another child or bear a son is a loss, too.
Our first baby, a girl, was stillborn at 39w4d in March 2007.
After an early loss, we were lucky enough to have our beautiful son. He's now 17 months old.
I felt a lot of anxiety about his health in his early months but that's faded as he's turned into a thriving toddler.
I'm concerned when you say "I feel drained by fear for this baby."
Have you read "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Debra Davis? It may help you cope with your grief about losing your first baby and anxiety about mothering your living child.
It really helped us to talk to a counselor when the grief was too much.
Good luck, mama.


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## gigilmt (Jan 3, 2010)

Hello I am new here and have been looking to connect with moms who have had the awful experience of a stillbirth but are now expecting or have had the miracle of a rainbow baby after loss.
My story- I lost my daughter at 39.5 weeks in 2007. I am now 25 wks pregnant with a baby boy. I try to stay positive and not to worry but it is so hard when the loss was so late. Some people cannot understnd that. I do believe any kind of loss is difficult but when it comes a few days before your due date and you've already spent 9 months knowing this baby it is unbearable. I find that there are not many suppport groups out there that really focus on stillbirth/ parents after this type of loss.
I'd be interested in connecting with anyone who has been through or on hte same path.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Huge hugs Mamas - katharine & gigilmt







-
I am so sorry for your losses of your son and daughter.
I am an "AMA" mom, too - (I was 40 in Sept.)

I had 3 healthy lc (although a twin loss w/my 3rd







) when
I lost my son at 38.5 weeks in 2007.
It was absolutely blind-siding, and changed my perspective so much.
He died during labor from a cord accident.
I subsequently had my rainbow, another little boy, about eleven
months after my son died.

I found my pregnancy after loss extremely difficult emotionally,
but I have to say once he was born, my fears subsided a lot.
I still *know* that things can and do go wrong in a heartbeat, but
really make an effort to live in the moment, and appreciate all the
small things - I think because of that knowledge.

Thinking of you, JayJay . . . and anticipating the joyful news of Isobella's safe arrival!


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I'm another who is a-l-m-o-s-t but not quite there. Our third child, our second daughter, Emma died during labour on her due date - October 14th 2008. I'm now 36 weeks pregnant with our fourth child. I'm having a planned section in 2 weeks and just hoping things work out this time. I don't know how I'll be as a parent this time around - I try very hard not to wrap the older ones in cotton wool since Emma died, but the temptation is always there!


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

to everyone.

My first daughter was stillborn at almost 42 weeks. This was in November 2006. I also had a m/c at 10 weeks in July 2007. I now have a healthy DS, who is 16 months old.









Not sure if I am having another or not.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Thanks Em







I am awaiting her safe arrival as well! I still can't quite believe that I'll be holding a squirmy, wriggly newborn soon! I mean, the hospital I go to likes to get the babies out by 41 weeks (yeah I know, hospital ey!) so realistically on the outside, I am not going to be pregnant any more roughly 15 days from now for SURE, if nothing's happened. That is kinda weird actually. You know, between the pregnancy and then the loss of Josie, the three months of recovery, the three months of trying to get pregnant and the subsequent 9 months of pregnancy, I will have been pregnant, or thinking of being pregnant, recovering from and trying to GET pregnant for just under two years by the time Isobella is born.

It'll be strange, not being pregnant any more and not trying to get pregnant for a while!


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## luv_my_babes (Dec 8, 2008)

.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *luv_my_babes* 
I'm not sure if I belong here because my cicumstances are a bit different... I carried twin boys and gave birth to both @ 34 weeks. The first born was healthy and the second was born still. It was devastating, but I still had another baby to take home and look after... so I know my situation is a lot different than your situations... not any easier, just different. I look at my surviving twin and wonder what it would have been like to have 2 of him (they were identical). I don't think I ever properly grieved it because I had my surviving newborn ds to look after. Not a day goes by that i don't think about him.

I gave birth to a daughter 15 months later and now I am about 20 weeks with another baby boy. Having another boy has definately re-hashed some repressed emotions about loosing Damian in 2004. I have complete previa with this pregnancy so I am praying that everything will be ok.

((((HUGS))) mama. I know it's not a grief competition or anything but I know of several mothers who are raising one twin. I think the grief process must be so much more complicated in your circumstances - caring for a newborn whilst trying to find the emotional space to grieve your loss.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

In September 2005, we had a stillborn baby (41 weeks). In 2007, we adopted DD1 and in 2009 I gave birth to DD2.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *luv_my_babes* 
I'm not sure if I belong here because my cicumstances are a bit different... I carried twin boys and gave birth to both @ 34 weeks. The first born was healthy and the second was born still. It was devastating, but I still had another baby to take home and look after... so I know my situation is a lot different than your situations... not any easier, just different. I look at my surviving twin and wonder what it would have been like to have 2 of him (they were identical). I don't think I ever properly grieved it because I had my surviving newborn ds to look after. Not a day goes by that i don't think about him.

I gave birth to a daughter 15 months later and now I am about 20 weeks with another baby boy. Having another boy has definately re-hashed some repressed emotions about loosing Damian in 2004. I have complete previa with this pregnancy so I am praying that everything will be ok.

this happened to my sister's friend's mom. She was pregnant with twin boys and one was stillborn.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'd like to join the group. My second son died after his birth in August 2008. I know many of you here know the story so the short version is my labor was fine until the last and then his cord tore and he lost most of his blood. After we got him delivered the NICU team tried all they could but 12 hours later his body couldn't take it anymore and we removed him from life support.

We decided to start trying again a couple months after his birth. We're both older parents and our oldest son was almost 5. We wanted him to have a living sibling closer in age. We got pregnant right off the bat. I delivered our baby girl exactly 11 months after her middle brother's birthday.

She is now almost six months old. As the months go by I find that I'm not near as scared as I was when she was little. But, I figure I will always have more fear than the mom who's never experienced this type of loss.

Back in the fall my son caught H1N1 at school. He woke up early one morning with a very high fever. I figured I would miss work the next day and I had a big meeting to prepare for that morning. So, I left DS and DD with my DH and ran into the office. I left our house around 4:30 am, drove the 27 miles to work, got the meeting stuff done and got home before the pediatrician's office opened at 8:30 am. I cried the whole way to work with worry for my son because I knew it had to be the flu. Just the night before the news had reported on a kindergartner who had just died from the flu. I cried while I was setting up for the meeting and by the time I drove home the sun had come out and I felt a little better. I was able to get him into the doc first thing that morning. They ran a flu test and said he had type A and that it was more than likely H1N1. She said that's the only type A they had seen and the health department was no longer testing for it unless you were hospitalized. The doc put him on Tamiflu and gave a preventative dose for my daughter. Sure enough, a day later DH and DD both started running fevers. We put DD on the full dose of Tamiflu and both DD and DS came through it well (so did DH). I, somehow, never caught it.

DS has also brought home four colds that DD has caught in her short six months. Each one it is hard to see her sick.

Also, as you mention, parenting her brings a lot of grief - she is a spitting image of her middle brother. When she sleeps she looks just like he did when we held him as he died. It is really uncanny how much they favor. She favors our oldest son but it's not the same. I wonder what his first smile would have been like, his first giggle, how he would have loved his older brother. All of her milestones bring mixed feelings.

DH and I both find ourselves needing a good cry every now and then. Even though our second son has been gone a year and a half my grief is still very strong.

Thanks for starting this group. I know that I will always be more protective and more worried than most. But, that's the lot I've been cast in life and I go with it.

Well, baby's crying so I'll come back later.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Dad to the rescue and baby is eating now.

I just wanted to finish by saying I parent differently now. I want to think better than before. I might have more tendencies to be overprotective but I also am more mindful of the joy I have and the memories I'm building with my kids. I am more mindful of the love I have for them and I believe I am much more patient - the world will not end if their toys aren't picked up each night or if my son doesn't brush his teeth every now and then.

"So what" is a new catch phrase I find myself saying in my mind. "So what..." If the ending of the sentence isn't life shattering then maybe I don't have to bust my butt to get it done. I'd rather have my kids remember that we loved them and were there for them than remember that their home was always spotless or fill in the blank, yk?

I know this loss will always effect me. My grandparents lost their first born son after his birth and even in their 80s and 90s they missed him dearly. They learned to go on and raise their two children who were born later but it was always known how much they missed him. They didn't talk about it much but I always felt it. I've often wished I had talked to them about it more or that they were both still around now so I could ask them about how they made it.

I'm grateful we went to counseling when I was pregnant with our daughter. My fear and anxiety from our son's traumatic birth were affecting how I was approaching our daughter's birth. It made a world of difference and I think helped me more after she was born as well.

Sorry to write a novel - I guess I've needed to share this more than I realized and I'm glad others are thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same emotions. It's so nice to be reminded I'm not alone.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
It'll be strange, not being pregnant any more and not trying to get pregnant for a while!









SO true, Jay Jay. When we brought Leo home I'd been pregnant, recovering from my daughter's birth, trying to get pregnant, recovering from a miscarriage, trying to get pregnant then pregnant from June of 2006 to August of 2008.
Have a wonderful birth and babymoon with Isobelle!
We're ready to start trying for a second living child but I'm kind of scared that I'll be climbing back on the rollercoaster...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cheshire* 
I guess I've needed to share this more than I realized and I'm glad others are thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same emotions. It's so nice to be reminded I'm not alone.

Everything you said rings true to me, Cheshire.
My late grandmother lost several babies to pre-eclampsia but she died long before I started trying to have babies. I know it had a lifelong effect on her - and I wish we could have talked about it.
Counseling really helped us, too, and I'd recommend it to all babylost parents - we were able to hook up with a really good psychologist through our midwife.
But yes - I feel like I will always be affected by losing my daughter and I will always mother my living son (and I hope a second living child) with the knowledge that I am so, so lucky to have him and that nothing is more important than holding him in my arms.


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

I lost my son, Asa, Chistmas of '08. I had a healthy pregnancy and at my 39 week appt was sent for an ultrasound at the perinatologist for "low amniotic fluid." I honestly thought it was because my OB was too chicken to tell me he wanted to induce me. They discovered a cardiac anomoly and I had a C that evening. Asa spent his first days in the NICU having surgery at 1 week and coming home before he was 2 weeks old. We knew we had future surgeries to worry about, and I didn't imagine that he would be an old man, but the general feeling was that he was here to stay. On Christmas, he had what we now know was a massive heart attack. My husband found him agonaly breathing, we did CPR but never got him back. This fall was really hard for me, discovering that EMS and the docs never got IV access to give him meds, also that he only had one coronary artery, so the first surgery they did was actually done with replacement parts that were too big for his heart's capabilities. It just made for a ruff time, a lot of what ifs.

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant with #2 and now with Christmas past, I feel like I am able to start looking at this pregnancy as more of a stand alone experience and am getting more excited. But I am having horrible anxiety about lots of things, like the birth and when do I get to trust that I can put the baby down and come back to a breathing baby, I don't know...

I know losing Asa will effect how I parent. It has definately effected how I am pregnant. With Asa, I had total faith that my body knew exactly what it was doing, now, not so much. I hope that with time, the anxiety and fear will dissapate and I will be able to move on with my good memories and experiences from being Asa's mother and less of the overwhelming emotional baggage.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cheshire* 
Dad to the rescue and baby is eating now.

I just wanted to finish by saying I parent differently now. I want to think better than before. I might have more tendencies to be overprotective but I also am more mindful of the joy I have and the memories I'm building with my kids. I am more mindful of the love I have for them and I believe I am much more patient - the world will not end if their toys aren't picked up each night or if my son doesn't brush his teeth every now and then.

"So what" is a new catch phrase I find myself saying in my mind. "So what..." If the ending of the sentence isn't life shattering then maybe I don't have to bust my butt to get it done. I'd rather have my kids remember that we loved them and were there for them than remember that their home was always spotless or fill in the blank, yk?

I know this loss will always effect me. My grandparents lost their first born son after his birth and even in their 80s and 90s they missed him dearly. They learned to go on and raise their two children who were born later but it was always known how much they missed him. They didn't talk about it much but I always felt it. I've often wished I had talked to them about it more or that they were both still around now so I could ask them about how they made it.

I'm grateful we went to counseling when I was pregnant with our daughter. My fear and anxiety from our son's traumatic birth were affecting how I was approaching our daughter's birth. It made a world of difference and I think helped me more after she was born as well.

Sorry to write a novel - I guess I've needed to share this more than I realized and I'm glad others are thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same emotions. It's so nice to be reminded I'm not alone.









Yes. So beautifully expressed Chesire.
I definately try to maintain a "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude.
And I also found counseling after the death of my son, and during
my subsequent pregnancy so beneficial.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

Hello, I hope to be a _real_ member here come July. I'm currently 11 week along with baby #2 after loosing our first, Amelia this past July.

My pregnancy had been totally normal. Then a couple days shy of 20 weeks I woke up and my water broke. I hardly remember the 4 day downward spiral to the birth. It kills me that I'm fearful of this baby looking like Amelia. She had my face and ears. Dh's hands and feet. I've found dh looking at my ears with tears in his eyes. I'm scared that our new baby won't have it's own place.

This pregnancy's been tough. Spotting had me flipped out and detached until recently. I'm not dreaming nice happy pregnant dreams. We haven't told anyone but Mil & Fil. I imagine that once I get beyond 20 weeks things will be better. I hope.

It's so nice to read of the other rainbow pregnancies. To know that it's normal to be scared.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm here too. Most of the regulars know me. Norah died at 40 weeks on. Nov. 18, 2007. Maya came a year after on Nov. 28, 2008. Currently pregnant again, due in May.


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I am joining as well. Some know me, some do not.

Isabella was born silently on 10/12/2006, at 40+2. There was no official cause to her loss, except they believe it may have been due to a knot in the cord. We had other issues during the pregnancy as well, including some issues with care from our providers, and the fact they absolutely failed to tell us that we had a SUA (aka 2 vessel cord).

Our DD2 was born on 10/18/07. I still fear everything with her, and my other two children.

I am currently pregnant, around 22 weeks, and plan on home birthing.


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## Tenk (Oct 6, 2006)

I'll join too...

Kamryn was born still on March 11, 2006 at 38+1 we think it was a cord accident, but I had undiagnosed Celiac Disease which has been know to cause still birth. I was treated very badly at the military base my care was provided at and we'll never know for sure what caused her untimly death.

In July 2008 Bodie was born, perfect and healthy, but the road to get pregnant with him was long and had and full of miscarriages. I sometimes feel over protective with him because of her loss. I'm now pregnant again with a girl (23 weeks!) and scared of something going wrong just because she's a girl again.

It's so weird, I honestly thought stillbirth didn't happen in today's world because of technology and such, but there are so many mamas here that have had them. I'm so sorry your all here, but so glad and happy that you are all having or have had a chance to birth again. Peace and Healthiness be with you all and your babies!!!!


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WaitingForKiddos* 
I'm scared that our new baby won't have it's own place.

I had that fear too, but I think you will be surprised at how much each baby is truly their own person. I think, 3 years down the line, my biggest questions are "What would our family be like now with Mackenzie here?" "What would she look like?" "What would her personality be like?"


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## Mom to E and A (Jul 11, 2005)

Awesome thread and very timely for me.
I, too, won't be an official member here for another 2 months, but am cautiously optimistic about it








Elise was still born 9 months ago yesterday. She was 36 weeks and had a knot in her cord as well as it being around her neck 5 times. Her pregnancy was plagued with complications...a blood clot at 10 weeks, unexplained racing heart, breathlessness, etc. I went into labor on my own about 2 days after she had passed, but I had no idea she was gone. The hospital was unable to find a heartbeat in triage and about an hour after being told she was gone, she was in my arms. She only weighed 4 pounds, 1 ounce.
I am now almost 30 weeks along in a new pregnancy. It wasn't planned, as I still wasn't sure we would have another (our marriage was very rocky after Elise's death making the decision even more unlikely) It is another girl. I am terrified of reaching 36 weeks and delivering.
I, too, find not a lot of places to look for support from those who have suffered a stillbirth...there really just isn't a point where you get past the timing of your loss and can breathe a little easier.
I often think about what Ella will think about her big angel sister Elise. I don't want her to feel like she is a replacement or has to live up to anything, but I definately want her to know about the baby who came before her. Have you seen that book? http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Came-B...2892940&sr=8-1
So anyway, hugs to everyone and thank you for sharing your stories.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

Reagan was stillborn @ 37 weeks in 2005. I got pg again very quickly and m/c that baby @ 15 weeks in 2006. I had another loss later that year that was never completely confirmed but I just kinda knew, kwim?

Then, in Jan. of last year I got a positive hpt completely out of the blue and Elijah was born in Sept. of 2009. He was a complete surprise and definitely a mircale. He was also born on the same day that we buried Reagan 4 yrs. earlier.

ETA: One of the hardest adjustments to having a living baby this time has been the whole newborn thing again. I so looked forward to it when pg w/Reagan and then my dreams weren't realized and now that Eli is here sometimes I wonder if I would've had this hard of a time with her.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Add me too.

My dd was stillborn in June of 2007 and I had a living ds in July 2008. Currently pregnant again so we'll see how this one goes.


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## sailorjenn (Jul 19, 2007)

My son Gregory was stillborn at 36w4d in June 2006. I went in for monitoring at L&D because I hadn't felt him move since the day before. He was born later that day with his umblical cord wrapped around his neck very tightly three times. I also had a m/c about 3 months before we concieved him.

We found out we were expecting again the day after his first birthday. We had another boy, Connor, who is going to be two in a little over a week.







He was born at 34w and spent a week in the NICU. Amniotic fluid levels kept decreasing and then cut in half, so they decided he was safer out than in. We recently decided we are ready for more kids and are no longer going to avoid, but I'm a little anxious about how it'll go.


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## idigchaitea (Aug 21, 2007)

Hi,

I am not expecting my rainbow baby just yet, but I'm very thankful for this thread because it gives me hope. My son Jonas was stillborn in March 2009 at 40 weeks, 1 day. I am almost dreading another pregnancy, but I want so badly to bring home a rainbow baby. I have been putting off getting pregnant again because I am just not sure that I am ready--physically and emotionally. Thanks for sharing your stories, because it makes me very hopeful that a rainbow baby just might be in store for me.


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