# my child only sees me as a playmate



## kittycat1 (Jun 19, 2015)

My son is almost 4. When he acts up and my partner disapline him he listens. When I try he doesnt. He runs from me thinking it's a game. When I catch him if I do I put him I'm time out. My partner believes in spanking. I dont. I tried it her way ...no sucess. He just hits. I don't want to model that type of behavor. What should I do?


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I like many of the ideas on this website www.ahaparenting.com
It offers alternatives to time out and ways to connect and correct without punishment 

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## Xerxella (Feb 6, 2008)

Spanking never works. It's all about your tone and seriousness of your actions. 

I second aha parenting. Great resource.


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

What is he doing that needs discipline? Examples may help.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Yes, I was also wondering what you consider to be acting up. Can you give us an example?


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## kittycat1 (Jun 19, 2015)

lauren said:


> Yes, I was also wondering what you consider to be acting up. Can you give us an example?


Well, he says no alot. I try to tell him say no thank when offered something. His response is never! Yet when his other mom gets involved he listens. He gets in my face and scratches me, tries to hiy me with objects. Basic ly will not listen even when lower my voice and be stern. Yet again his other mother can tell him the exact same thing and he will listen. Thank you.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I think it is a rare child who responds to both parents in the same way so, while it's frustrating, I wouldn't get hung up on how he responds to your partner. Put your energy into connecting with him and finding ways of addressing the behaviour which work for *you*. 

The saying "no" instead of "no thanks": I usually say "no thanks, mummy." then, if they copy me, fine. If they don't then it has served as a reminder. I don't make a big deal out of it. Or, I might say "no...?" If they respond with "no thanks", I thank them. If they don't then I say "no thanks, Mummy." and move on. 

The scratching, I would try and identify what triggers it and address that. In the meantime or if you miss a trigger then I would immediately move away and say firmly "No. That hurts. I will sit with you when you have gentle hands." (Or words to that effect).

If he came after me then I would gently but firmly hold his hands and say "I am not going to let you hurt me. It's ok to be angry, it's not ok to hurt me." Don't keep moving away at this point or it becomes a game of chasey and, IME, escalates the aggression. 

Hitting with objects: the object is immediately put away. "This is not for hitting. We'll try again tomorrow." If he has a tantrum over the loss of the item then empathise and remind him that he can have it back tomorrow and, if he doesn't hit you with it, he will get to keep it. Remind him that he is in complete control of that outcome. 


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## kathymuggle (Jul 25, 2012)

kittycat1 said:


> Well, he says no alot. I try to tell him say no thank when offered something. His response is never! Yet when his other mom gets involved he listens. He gets in my face and scratches me, tries to hiy me with objects. Basic ly will not listen even when lower my voice and be stern. Yet again his other mother can tell him the exact same thing and he will listen. Thank you.


_No thank you_ is better than a simple no - but he will learn that by modelling.

I have 3 very politie children (ages 13-20), and they got that way from having very polite parents. I would not call him on saying "no" instead of "no thank you." He will get there and this is not worth a battle.

As per hitting me, that would not fly. He would go in time out for 4 minutes (or I would excuse myself if I needed to calm down) he would see that hitting hurts me (it is important for kids to understand hitting hurts as it build empathy) and if he hit me with an object he would lose the object for a set period of time.

During quiet times or at bed time, I would try and read stories that encourage using your voice to solve issues. Here is one series, but your librarian can doubtlessly help you out 

https://www.amazon.com/Hands-Are-Hitting-Martine-Agassi/dp/1575421127


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## toughmother (Jul 7, 2016)

Spanking a child is a poor attempt at discipline. I think that is a measure a parent should never resort to. In a lot of developed countries, spanking is illegal and IMO the US should follow suit.


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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

Much more info is needed to be helpful...

--whose biological child is he? 
--have you been a family since his birth?
--who is primary caregiver at daytime, night time?
--do you have the same objectives as parents--do you have the same vision of what behaviors you are trying to reinforce and which ones you'd like to teach a replacement skill for? For ex. does your partner agree that saying 'no thank you' is important at this age, or are you at cross-purposes about what is important? 
--how were you parented as a child?


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