# I use a condescending tone w/ children. How do I stop?



## pajamajes (Feb 1, 2008)

I don't know if condescending is the best word to describe what I mean. I don't speak to children in my normal tone of voice that I speak to adults with. Some examples:

Me, to a peer: "Imma go get something to drink. You want anything?"

Me, to a toddler: "Alright...I'm going to the _kitchen_...to get something to _drink_. I'll be _back_...in _just...a...minute_. Okay?"

Or, "I _liiike_ this movie." "You want spaghetti? Spaghetti is _yummmyyy_."

It's hard to explain tone in writing like this. I hope somebody knows what I mean.

I also have a very strange habit of talking to inanimate objects when I'm around the 3 year old I care for.

Instead of, "Ugh, I dropped my phone.", I would say "Oh, phone! Why did you jump out of my hand like that!?"

It's so condescending to her and just plain rude. She's capable of understanding what I mean if I just speak normally. I don't know why I do this. I think it's a lot of over thinking what to say and trying to follow some kind of script.

Anyone else ever had a similar problem? How can I stop?


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Does it bother the child? That really doesn't sound like a big deal to me.


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## Plaid Leopard (Sep 26, 2003)

I think I understand what you are saying, because I do that sometimes too. I think the only way to stop is just be mindful of it. When you catch yourself speaking in a tone/manner you don't like then stop, take a breath and start over.

That said, I do think it is ok to be more explicit when talking to children i.e. "I am going to the kitchen to get a drink. Would you like me to bring you a drink? Ok, I will go to the kitchen and then come right back with the drinks".

I feel like I spend all day talking talking talking to my toddler, so that he can really understand how sentences are put together, how actions relate to words etc, so he can expand his vocabulary, notice details... But I also use cutesy speech because it sometimes makes it easier to get him to do domething such as getting dressed when it is more of a silly game. For example I might say " Ok time for undie-doodies. One leggy in the hole. Other leggy in the hole. Uppy-doo! Yeah, you've got your undies on your bottom!"


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I don't have a problem with the way you're talking to this kid. Children are not adults. You're not telling a ten year old you're going to get a yummy nummy drinkikins, would widdle Biwwy wike some too?

Three year olds don't necessarily need as many words as adults and too many words can be overwhelming. Sometimes you have to be a little silly to get their attention...and sometimes you get to BE a little silly because three year olds like that.

Children are not little adults. I know it's an ideal for some people to treat them exactly as you would an adult, but that seems terribly boring to me and kind of unnecessary.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

You're talking babytalk, which anthropological research has shown that adults in every society and every language do with young children. You're speaking a bit slower, in a bit of a higher pitch, and emphasizing the important words. That's how kids learn language.

If you went to a foreign country that you only sort of knew the language, you would have a pretty frustrating time ifeveryonetalkedtoyounormallyandyoucouldn'tpickout asingleword. Instead, it would be helpful if people spoke to you slowly and clearly and enunciated specific words and parts of words.

As someone above said, you're not talking to a 10 year old like this. You're just instinctively talking to a child who is just learning the language in a way that they can understand and which will help them learn the language.


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## Grace and Granola (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lach* 
You're talking babytalk, which anthropological research has shown that adults in every society and every language do with young children. You're speaking a bit slower, in a bit of a higher pitch, and emphasizing the important words. That's how kids learn language.

If you went to a foreign country that you only sort of knew the language, you would have a pretty frustrating time ifeveryonetalkedtoyounormallyandyoucouldn'tpickout asingleword. Instead, it would be helpful if people spoke to you slowly and clearly and enunciated specific words and parts of words.

As someone above said, you're not talking to a 10 year old like this. You're just instinctively talking to a child who is just learning the language in a way that they can understand and which will help them learn the language.


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## alicia622 (May 8, 2005)

I don't think it's condescending to speak to a 3 yo like you describe. IMO, it helps a child's speech to emphasize words to help them understand how to use it/what it means- such as more than one definition. Although I don't typically say things like the phone example, I would say by doing that, you are modeling how to not overeact when something you didn't want to happen, happens. If you said GD phone...she'd learn to get annoyed/swear if something goes wrong.

IMO, the problems lies when people speak to kids with improper grammar. UGH, that is totally not helpful!


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## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lach* 
You're talking babytalk, which anthropological research has shown that adults in every society and every language do with young children. You're speaking a bit slower, in a bit of a higher pitch, and emphasizing the important words. That's how kids learn language.

If you went to a foreign country that you only sort of knew the language, you would have a pretty frustrating time ifeveryonetalkedtoyounormallyandyoucouldn'tpickout asingleword. Instead, it would be helpful if people spoke to you slowly and clearly and enunciated specific words and parts of words.

As someone above said, you're not talking to a 10 year old like this. You're just instinctively talking to a child who is just learning the language in a way that they can understand and which will help them learn the language.

It is called Motherese or Parentese and it is used all other the world. A short vid on it


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Just another







that to Lach's post! Not rude at all! I do this, too, and I even talk about myself in the third person, Bob-Dole-style, with the almost two-year-old I babysit. My goal is to get her to learn my name.


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## NellieKatz (Jun 19, 2009)

I disagree with the others here who don't see the problem. My son is 6 and he has an astonishing vocabulary and is grammatically correct on top of that...a very clear and eloquent speaker, such that it turns people's heads. They're not used to hearing that out of a little one.

My husband and I believe it's because we never talked down to him, never talked cutesy-baby talk. If we ever made up a word (because we do love to have fun with words) I always acknowledged it's not a real word and that we're just having fun. Like when he had those rubber mats that go on the floor and they piece together like puzzle pieces...well we saved the edge pieces (they are like long wand-shaped things) because they are soft and make great "swords". But I couldn't think of a name, so I dubbed them flappity-bappers. Since that's what we do with them. We flap them and bap things! So we're not stuffed shirts on the word issue.

But if we talk down to kids it can be a reflection of what we think they are capable of. I think my child's brain is vastly superior to mine at this point (hello perimenopause) and he should probably be talking in baby talk to ME! LOL! He is a clear thinker, he remembers everything, and he's also capable of knowing if I'm talking down to him.

We use the exact words we'd use for adults, only with him if there's a new word, we define/explain as needed and just keep going, and pop! the word is added to his vocabulary. I remember when he was 3 and being interviewed for an article in Wonder Time magazine (our friend is a freelance writer). My son had to explain to the author what "articulated" meant (as in "articulated dump truck").

It might even help you to read some John Holt books (How Children Learn and Escape from Childhood spring to mind) to help rebuild a sense of respect for your kid's capabilities, both language-wise and in respect to other learning.

By now you've probably guessed that we're homeschoolers (unschoolers actually). We have great faith in the ability of our child to comprehend, and he keeps proving us right.

So I think you are very much on the right track to question the speech that you're currently using. Have some fun....you don't have to be WORDY using adult language, and blow their doors off with too much detail....but you can also avoid insulting their intelligence. Watching this in practice will be fun, I am sure of it. It's great that you asked this.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
I disagree with the others here who don't see the problem. My son is 6 and he has an astonishing vocabulary and is grammatically correct on top of that...a very clear and eloquent speaker, such that it turns people's heads. They're not used to hearing that out of a little one.

My husband and I believe it's because we never talked down to him, never talked cutesy-baby talk. If we ever made up a word (because we do love to have fun with words) I always acknowledged it's not a real word and that we're just having fun. Like when he had those rubber mats that go on the floor and they piece together like puzzle pieces...well we saved the edge pieces (they are like long wand-shaped things) because they are soft and make great "swords". But I couldn't think of a name, so I dubbed them flappity-bappers. Since that's what we do with them. We flap them and bap things! So we're not stuffed shirts on the word issue.

But if we talk down to kids it can be a reflection of what we think they are capable of. I think my child's brain is vastly superior to mine at this point (hello perimenopause) and he should probably be talking in baby talk to ME! LOL! He is a clear thinker, he remembers everything, and he's also capable of knowing if I'm talking down to him.

We use the exact words we'd use for adults, only with him if there's a new word, we define/explain as needed and just keep going, and pop! the word is added to his vocabulary. I remember when he was 3 and being interviewed for an article in Wonder Time magazine (our friend is a freelance writer). My son had to explain to the author what "articulated" meant (as in "articulated dump truck").

It might even help you to read some John Holt books (How Children Learn and Escape from Childhood spring to mind) to help rebuild a sense of respect for your kid's capabilities, both language-wise and in respect to other learning.

By now you've probably guessed that we're homeschoolers (unschoolers actually). We have great faith in the ability of our child to comprehend, and he keeps proving us right.

So I think you are very much on the right track to question the speech that you're currently using. Have some fun....you don't have to be WORDY using adult language, and blow their doors off with too much detail....but you can also avoid insulting their intelligence. Watching this in practice will be fun, I am sure of it. It's great that you asked this.

Yes, but there's a big difference between "baby-talk" and different emphasis.

Have you read the studies quoted above about "motherese"? It basically describes the universal tendency of parents to talk to babies in an over-emphasized, higher-toned voice, to repeat words, and to speak more clearly and positively, accompanying this with facial expressions that may be more dramatic than one would use with an adult. There's a lot of research to suggest it does help babies and toddlers learn language. It's not condescending, it's appropriate for their age.

FWIW, I have always used "motherese", and my kids also have large vocabularies. The research on that shows it has more to do with the education level of the parents and the amount of TV they're exposed to.


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## abi&ben'smom (Oct 28, 2007)

I think it is fine, as long as it isn't taken to the extreme. We have a relative who does this. Her voice gets really loud, high pitched, and intentionally replaces 'r's with 'w's. It's really wierd, and us adults have a hard time even understanding what she is saying to the kids. My kids would just look at her like she was nuts. It was like babytalk gone crazy.


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

I also agree that this isn't the ideal way to speak to a child. I have taken numerous classes in child development, have 2 teaching credentials and almost went into speech therapy, and my understanding of "motherese" is that is it something people typically do with infants and that it has more to do with intonation, simplification and pace of speech. It can also include a parent or caregiver "mirroring" the infant's "speech" - so if the infant makes a certain sound, the parent repeats it back.

It should be more about meeting a child where they are - an infant simply isn't capable of putting together articulate sentences, but most three year olds are. By three years old, baby talk or "motherese" isn't really serving the child in any way. It is important to model proper speech - that is how they learn, after all. They need to hear correct ennunciation, grammar, sentence structure and new vocabulary. Of course, given where an individual child is cognitively and developmentally, you would slow down your speech and explain things as needed.

You asked how you can change it - like another poster said, just be mindful of it and remembering that you are helping her learn by using correct speech. Keep in mind that kids are often capable of a lot more than we give them credit for.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pajamajes* 
I don't know if condescending is the best word to describe what I mean. I don't speak to children in my normal tone of voice that I speak to adults with. Some examples:

Me, to a peer: "Imma go get something to drink. You want anything?"

Me, to a toddler: "Alright...I'm going to the _kitchen_...to get something to _drink_. I'll be _back_...in _just...a...minute_. Okay?"

Or, "I _liiike_ this movie." "You want spaghetti? Spaghetti is _yummmyyy_."

It's hard to explain tone in writing like this. I hope somebody knows what I mean.

I also have a very strange habit of talking to inanimate objects when I'm around the 3 year old I care for.

Instead of, "Ugh, I dropped my phone.", I would say "Oh, phone! Why did you jump out of my hand like that!?"

It's so condescending to her and just plain rude. She's capable of understanding what I mean if I just speak normally. I don't know why I do this. I think it's a lot of over thinking what to say and trying to follow some kind of script.

Anyone else ever had a similar problem? How can I stop?

Sounds like Motherese to me. You'll outgrow it in a few years. No worries.


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## staceychev (Mar 5, 2005)

There were actually 2 things I noticed about the OP's post. First was content, and second was emphasis/intonation. I agree with PPs who have written about not talking down to kids--my DD (4.5) also has an excellent vocabulary that I credit with being spoken to in a relatively natural manner by those around her. But, I disagree that you should be talking to a 3 year old in the exact manner that you speak to an adult (especially, pardon me, if you're saying things like "Imma gonna go..."). There was a somewhat recent article in the New York Times that explained new research showing that a parental "narrative" with young children helps build articulate speech and cognition. I don't see anything wrong with giving more detail to a young child about what you're doing and narrating your actions. An adult can make inferences and fill in the blanks when you talk about going into the kitchen. A 3 year old is still figuring out the way the world works, and exposure to language and narrative is a huge part of that.

[And so she steps off her soapbox...]


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Is how you're speaking just slightly above your LO's level? Then it's not being condescending.

What I find myself doing is saying things to Lina like I'm talking to an adult and then rephrasing it to her level. "hey, kiddo, do you feel like a cup of tea? ... want tea?" "Whoa there, looks like you need the bathroom... need toilet?"

The adult way of phrasing things is so far out of her reach that it doesn't encourage her to use her limited talking skills. "Do you feel like a cup of tea?" results in a blank look whereas "want tea?" lets her say "tea!" or sign cup or thirsty or nod or no or shake her head--6 different options that she's gaining confidence in using.

And yeah, if I asked her 4 year old cousin "need toilet?" it'd be condescending, but I'd get feedback that it was condescending by her look of w.t.h? followed by her saying "no I just went to the bathroom, are you okay Auntie?"


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

And I've anthropomorphized inanimate objects for ages. I actually do it less with Lina







. Alone I'll say "was it absolutely necessary to fall off that pile" and when Lina's around I'll say "oh! the book fell!"


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## MJB (Nov 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamadebug* 
I also agree that this isn't the ideal way to speak to a child. I have taken numerous classes in child development, have 2 teaching credentials and almost went into speech therapy, and my understanding of "motherese" is that is it something people typically do with infants and that it has more to do with intonation, simplification and pace of speech. It can also include a parent or caregiver "mirroring" the infant's "speech" - so if the infant makes a certain sound, the parent repeats it back.

It should be more about meeting a child where they are - an infant simply isn't capable of putting together articulate sentences, but most three year olds are. By three years old, baby talk or "motherese" isn't really serving the child in any way. It is important to model proper speech - that is how they learn, after all. They need to hear correct ennunciation, grammar, sentence structure and new vocabulary. Of course, given where an individual child is cognitively and developmentally, you would slow down your speech and explain things as needed.

You asked how you can change it - like another poster said, just be mindful of it and remembering that you are helping her learn by using correct speech. Keep in mind that kids are often capable of a lot more than we give them credit for.

I agree with this post. I think "mother-ese" is appropriate for speaking to an infant or toddler who is just learning to talk, but not to the average 3 yr. old. My newly 4yo will ask what a word or saying means if he is unfamiliar with it, and add it to his spoken vocabulary. He especially likes idioms like "spilled the beans" or "that's how the cookie crumbles." We do not speak down to our children at all once they are able to talk in complete sentences, and they both have remarkable vocabularies.


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## pajamajes (Feb 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
Does it bother the child? That really doesn't sound like a big deal to me.

I don't think it bothers her, but she definitely notices it. My wake up call was when she spoke to me the same way. That's when I realized how condescending it sounds.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lach* 
You're talking babytalk, which anthropological research has shown that adults in every society and every language do with young children. You're speaking a bit slower, in a bit of a higher pitch, and emphasizing the important words. That's how kids learn language.

If you went to a foreign country that you only sort of knew the language, you would have a pretty frustrating time ifeveryonetalkedtoyounormallyandyoucouldn'tpickout asingleword. Instead, it would be helpful if people spoke to you slowly and clearly and enunciated specific words and parts of words.

As someone above said, you're not talking to a 10 year old like this. You're just instinctively talking to a child who is just learning the language in a way that they can understand and which will help them learn the language.

Well, this makes me feel better. Thanks.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alicia622* 
I don't think it's condescending to speak to a 3 yo like you describe. IMO, it helps a child's speech to emphasize words to help them understand how to use it/what it means- such as more than one definition. Although I don't typically say things like the phone example, I would say by doing that, you are modeling how to not overeact when something you didn't want to happen, happens. If you said GD phone...she'd learn to get annoyed/swear if something goes wrong.

IMO, the problems lies when people speak to kids with improper grammar. UGH, that is totally not helpful!

That's probably my motivation in the phone example. I'm not the most patient person and I tend to overreact, yell, or curse for trivial reasons. So, I guess that's how I compensate for that.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NellieKatz* 
I disagree with the others here who don't see the problem. My son is 6 and he has an astonishing vocabulary and is grammatically correct on top of that...a very clear and eloquent speaker, such that it turns people's heads. They're not used to hearing that out of a little one.

My husband and I believe it's because we never talked down to him, never talked cutesy-baby talk. If we ever made up a word (because we do love to have fun with words) I always acknowledged it's not a real word and that we're just having fun. Like when he had those rubber mats that go on the floor and they piece together like puzzle pieces...well we saved the edge pieces (they are like long wand-shaped things) because they are soft and make great "swords". But I couldn't think of a name, so I dubbed them flappity-bappers. Since that's what we do with them. We flap them and bap things! So we're not stuffed shirts on the word issue.

But if we talk down to kids it can be a reflection of what we think they are capable of. I think my child's brain is vastly superior to mine at this point (hello perimenopause) and he should probably be talking in baby talk to ME! LOL! He is a clear thinker, he remembers everything, and he's also capable of knowing if I'm talking down to him.

We use the exact words we'd use for adults, only with him if there's a new word, we define/explain as needed and just keep going, and pop! the word is added to his vocabulary. I remember when he was 3 and being interviewed for an article in Wonder Time magazine (our friend is a freelance writer). My son had to explain to the author what "articulated" meant (as in "articulated dump truck").

It might even help you to read some John Holt books (How Children Learn and Escape from Childhood spring to mind) to help rebuild a sense of respect for your kid's capabilities, both language-wise and in respect to other learning.

By now you've probably guessed that we're homeschoolers (unschoolers actually). We have great faith in the ability of our child to comprehend, and he keeps proving us right.

So I think you are very much on the right track to question the speech that you're currently using. Have some fun....you don't have to be WORDY using adult language, and blow their doors off with too much detail....but you can also avoid insulting their intelligence. Watching this in practice will be fun, I am sure of it. It's great that you asked this.

Thank you! This is exactly what I was thinking. I whole-heartedly support unschooling and I will definitely check out those books.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fuamami* 
Yes, but there's a big difference between "baby-talk" and different emphasis.

Have you read the studies quoted above about "motherese"? It basically describes the universal tendency of parents to talk to babies in an over-emphasized, higher-toned voice, to repeat words, and to speak more clearly and positively, accompanying this with facial expressions that may be more dramatic than one would use with an adult. There's a lot of research to suggest it does help babies and toddlers learn language. It's not condescending, it's appropriate for their age.

FWIW, I have always used "motherese", and my kids also have large vocabularies. The research on that shows it has more to do with the education level of the parents and the amount of TV they're exposed to.

Glad to know I haven't irrevocably damaged any children. :]

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abi&ben'smom* 
I think it is fine, as long as it isn't taken to the extreme. We have a relative who does this. Her voice gets really loud, high pitched, and intentionally replaces 'r's with 'w's. It's really wierd, and us adults have a hard time even understanding what she is saying to the kids. My kids would just look at her like she was nuts. It was like babytalk gone crazy.

Oh yeah. I don't do the "icckle wickle baby made a poppsy woopsy huh?", even with infants. I would feel very silly and uncomfortable.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamadebug* 
I also agree that this isn't the ideal way to speak to a child. I have taken numerous classes in child development, have 2 teaching credentials and almost went into speech therapy, and my understanding of "motherese" is that is it something people typically do with infants and that it has more to do with intonation, simplification and pace of speech. It can also include a parent or caregiver "mirroring" the infant's "speech" - so if the infant makes a certain sound, the parent repeats it back.

It should be more about meeting a child where they are - an infant simply isn't capable of putting together articulate sentences, but most three year olds are. By three years old, baby talk or "motherese" isn't really serving the child in any way. It is important to model proper speech - that is how they learn, after all. They need to hear correct ennunciation, grammar, sentence structure and new vocabulary. Of course, given where an individual child is cognitively and developmentally, you would slow down your speech and explain things as needed.

You asked how you can change it - like another poster said, just be mindful of it and remembering that you are helping her learn by using correct speech. Keep in mind that kids are often capable of a lot more than we give them credit for.

Thank you. I agree.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
Sounds like Motherese to me. You'll outgrow it in a few years. No worries.

Haha! I'm glad.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *staceychev* 
There were actually 2 things I noticed about the OP's post. First was content, and second was emphasis/intonation. I agree with PPs who have written about not talking down to kids--my DD (4.5) also has an excellent vocabulary that I credit with being spoken to in a relatively natural manner by those around her. But, I disagree that you should be talking to a 3 year old in the exact manner that you speak to an adult (especially, pardon me, if you're saying things like "Imma gonna go..."). There was a somewhat recent article in the New York Times that explained new research showing that a parental "narrative" with young children helps build articulate speech and cognition. I don't see anything wrong with giving more detail to a young child about what you're doing and narrating your actions. An adult can make inferences and fill in the blanks when you talk about going into the kitchen. A 3 year old is still figuring out the way the world works, and exposure to language and narrative is a huge part of that.

[And so she steps off her soapbox...]

:] I'll admit, my grammar isn't always perfect. However, I must say that I use correct grammar most of the time, so I'm not too worried about that. Thanks for the advice.

Thanks again for all the advice everyone. I'm gonna try to work on it. (Yes, gonna. LOL!)


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

I think it's normal and important....but w/ a 3yo you might be in the habit of it and past the benefit of it.

It's hard to get out of it...I'm from a big family and probably speak motherese better than english. haha!

In fact, I often slip up in day to day language w/ adults. I might say, "I'm going to the potty."







woo! lol. I find it helps in customer service situations. Just emphasis _everything_ and talk really _slowly_. Okay, it might not ultimately help, but it is funny.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

I also wanted to add that I think that if you have a 3 year old on your hands who is too mature to find an anthropomorphized phone funny, you have bigger problems on your hands







Small kids find that stuff hilarious... and it's certainly better than the next stage, which is when rude bodily functions are the height of humor.


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## jakpa2001 (3 mo ago)

I'm in my forties and grew up looking very young when I was a kid. I got spoken to in this way until I was about 13. It made me mad. I still get fired up whenever I remember incidents of this. It was disrespectful, patronizing, and really got under my skin in a way the adults surrounding me didn't seem to fully understand. Especially after the kid is about six or seven, you're at the same time: insulting the kid to their face, embarrassing them in public, and, not least important, putting them in an awkward situation where they need to tell you off for their own peace of mind, but (ghasp) are afraid of hurting your feelings. Just don't do it. It's in bad taste. In many cases, you may be tormenting the kid while refusing to realize it, and simultaneously provoking a cringeworthy situation making any onlookers uncomfortable as well. Baby talk sucks.


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