# Is she just grieving differently???



## GiraffeLovin'Mama (Feb 11, 2003)

The mom of the baby I am carrying, seems to be emotionless. I know that she has a lot inside, but is there a way I can help her???
Tomorrow they dilate my cervix, then the D&E is on Friday.
I told the Mom that a dear friend of mine lent us some books to read on loss and maybe it would help.
She asked, What for???
Its like she just wants it over with and to move on...
I dunno.
I am sad and upset, but maybe I'm overreacting to the fact that she isn't reacting at all......

We're leaving shortly and I'll be back on Saturday, although I may not be back to the pc then.....


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

My first thought is that she is emotionally removed from it as some sort of defense mechanism, without really being aware that she is even doing it.

Of course, you are the first person i "know" that has ever been a surrogate, that has to end the pregnancy no less. I suppose her ten year quest for a baby has possibly made her a little more distant. without knowing all of it, she might never get too emotionally involved in any pregnancy until the baby is in her arms. Just a thought. I had a friend that had multiple pregnancies, including a stillbirth before she had her only child. I swear, it was like she wasnt even pregnant, thats how afraid she was to be happy, to so called get "her hopes up".....until they put her baby girl in her arms, it was almost like she was having a sort of out of body experience!

I would continue to offer support, yet give her all the room all the space she needs to process the situation at hand.

Again, my heart goes out to you and your family.
Lisa


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## pugmadmama (Dec 11, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by sweetbaby3_
*...I suppose her ten year quest for a baby has possibly made her a little more distant. without knowing all of it, she might never get too emotionally involved in any pregnancy until the baby is in her arms...*
Beautifully said.

I'm sure this woman is deeply hurt, but after ten years and now this? Maybe numbness has set in to keep this woman from completely lossing her mind?

I'm so sorry that this has happened. Please be sure to take care of yourself.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

i would say it is a coping mechanism. pretend it never happened is easier then dealing with the hurt.

i am so sorry for all of you

tara


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I have to agree with the others, another factor being that she is not carrying her baby, it must be really hard to see it all as being "real" This baby has never kicked her, never made toss her cookies, never caused her unbelievable exhaustion. I know for me, what made it all real was that my body felt it. I'm sure to this day that dh thinks I'm full of it when I told him I knew before our ill fated U/S that something wasn't right, despite being non-religous, I actually layed on the table praying. I however had no clues or symptoms of anything being wrong.
By carrying the baby, we know them, she would never have really known her baby until he was in her arms.
Once again, I think you have done the most wonderful and selfless thing. As a woman who has started thinking surrogacy may be our only option, I am in awe of women like yourself.
Allow her the time she needs but she may need you in a couple weeks, you know something just came to me, she may feel terribly guilty about putting you through this. I'm sitting her thinking about a friend of mine who half jokingly offered for us to "rent a womb" and the first thing that went through my head is "Oh my God, I could never put Margaret through that, the thought of her going through the pain of loosing a baby she was carrying for someone else, I think I'd feel worse for her than for myself"
Please let us know how you are doing, I have thought of you often since first reading your post.


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## luvmy3boys (Sep 16, 2003)

nak
Numbness and denial are stages of grief, too...just something to remember.








to you How are YOU doing?


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I have to agree with the others. It sounds like she's in a place of numbness and possibly anger. I wonder if she's also feeling inadequte or even some guilt, as she has been unable to cary a baby and now this one has a serious defect. Of course there is no basis for these feelings, but I could see how a woman would come to that.

Is it hard for you that she's not showing more emotion?

You're very deeply in my thoughts right now


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I agree with the others, it really sounds like she has turned herself off from this.

Keep us updated on how you are doing, I am keeping you in my prayers.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

How are you doing Chris? I've been thinking about you.


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## SamuraiEarthMama (Dec 3, 2002)

she may not even be at a stage of grief yet... she might still be in shock, or hoping that a miracle will occur... i'm just thinking of what it was like when we knew we were going to miscarry but hadn't yet. your mind does funny things when you are so full of hope. i think she just needs time and patience and space to grieve her own way. just like each of us did...

thinking of you,

k


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## GiraffeLovin'Mama (Feb 11, 2003)

We got home yesterday afternoon and it was a tough situation....
Of course, I started miscarrying on my own and labored for about 6 hours before the actual surgery









I am physically more spent than I ever thought I would be. It has taken all of my energy to move the 2 steps from the sofa to the pc, but I'm trying not to just sleep the days away.
Emotionally its hard, as I expected. At some moments, I am fine, and then at the drop of a hat I just cry. I'm guessing these periods will get farther apart as time goes on, but it won't hurt any less.

Thank you all for the kind thoughts.

I will be here for the Mom, as she knows and will give her the space she needs. I know she feels bad for me, because she just tells me how sorry she is and I try to reassure her not to be sorry, because what happened is not her fault at all.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)




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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

It's so beautiful that you want to be there for the mother. But please, remember to take the time you need for YOU to heal as well.

I would suspect that people around you will have a difficult time acknowledging your grief as well as the physical healing you need to do. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need from others.

I'll hold you in my thoughts as you walk throught this difficult time.


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## pugmadmama (Dec 11, 2003)




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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

Thanks for checking in, I've been thinking about you.


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## AnnR33 (Aug 1, 2002)

I've been thinking on you and sending you warm thoughts. I'm so sorry you have to endure this.








I can't imagine what the parents must be going thru but they are lucky to have you to help them-you are an angel!
Peace
Ann


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## XM (Apr 16, 2002)

I have been thinking about you so much Chris and sending you healing, peaceful thoughts. Thank you so much for letting us know how you are doing. I wish you lived closer so I could do your laundry or take your kids out for you. Is there any chance you may be able to get someone in to give you a massage? Many LMPs make house calls... I imagine you ache from head to toe right now.

You gave birth and you need to be treated gently as you heal. My heart goes out to you. Your loss is such a unique one, I agree that many people are not going to really know how to express their acknowledgement of your grief.

My heart also goes out to the intended parents, what a devastating loss after so many years of trying. Its probably so surreal to her right now that she hasn't even been able to wrap her head around the reality of their loss.


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## Solange (Apr 10, 2002)

Chris
Just wanted to send you a cyber hug and shoulder for you to lean on...please take care....


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## rachelle-a-tron (Apr 13, 2002)

Sending you my love.


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