# Were you spanked? Do you spank?



## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

I myself was spanked as a child but never have the urge to spank children. Ive read that many people who were spanked in turn spank their children. I know many moms on here don't spank but that doesnt mean you dont have the urge to. Just curious anyway.


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## Meli65 (Apr 29, 2002)

I don't remember being spanked, although I think I was once or twice. In general, both my parents were pretty tender-hearted.

We don't spank as a matter of principle, although I confess I have been sorely tempted from time to time.


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## saritasmile (Sep 5, 2004)

i was spanked as a child. my dad only spanked for big things like stealing, etc. but my mom spanked alot and with a belt. she has the 'got to show 'em whose boss mentality' we definelty disagree on that. i hated being raised that way. i'm very close with my mom but we definely disagree on this. we had an argument about it a few months ago. here she was trying to teach ds 'whose boss' by having a tug a war with his shirt he wanted to throw on the ground. ds was 17 mo.







anyway ds is not a spoiled brat like she predicts. sorry about rambling. but i think i never learned a healthy way to express frustration. so there are times when it takes all i've got not give a good swat. it's only when i'm really mad in the moment. if i'm calm and collected it doesn't cross my mind. how can you hear your intuition in a moment of rage...i hope i'm not offending anyone...not my intention!


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

I was spanked a handful of times. Sadly enough, they're the most prominent memories involving my father from my entire childhood. It's sad, because he was generally a loving guy... those just made the most significant impression.

My impulse when I'm overwhelmed and angry is to lash out. I lost it once and smacked ds on the leg. I was like an angry toddler - it was truly horrifying and shameful. I held him and we sobbed together and I swore to him that I would never do anything like that again. And I won't. I still have the impulse, but I know what it's like to see my child's face crumple into shock and tears from something I've done... that memory is deterrent enough.

So, yes, I was spanked. And I will never lash out at my child that way.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

I was spanked, I don't remember what for or how often but I know it didn't happen after we moved out of the old house and I turned 7 a month before we moved.

I do spank if they are doing something that will physically harm themselves(running into a street) or that will physically harm another(haven't had an example of this yet).


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## maya44 (Aug 3, 2004)

I was not spanked. Never have spanked my kids and never been tempted.

Maybe this is why I am less "rule-phobic" than some here. I don't equate rules with punishment. I was raised with lots of rules and with the idea that adults have certain privleges kids don't. Never bothered me because I was raised my gentle people who never punished or hurt.


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## Evergreen (Nov 6, 2002)

I am tempted every day









Very short fuse, easily frusterated mama here

BUT I do not do it! I put myself in time out instead!

I was spanked once or twice as a child. My mother was never a GD mom, but she had a lot of patience. She had 4 kids, beleived spaning was acceptable and still only spanked each of us about 1-3 times in our lives. I know we weren't really well behaved kids either! :LOL


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

I was spanked. Not a lot and I wasn't beaten or anything.

I do feel an urge to spank. This is something I am _really_ working on as DS becomes a toddler. He's tested my patience many times already and he can't even walk (other than a couple steps once in a while). He's very energetic and at times aggressive. But I have consiously made the decision to never ever hit him. I already have a list of things I do when I get overwhelmed.


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## MelKnee (Dec 5, 2001)

I was spanked. I used to get the urge to spank. I was so afraid I was going to hurt ds that I went into therapy for a while. I learned to control my anger. Now, that he is 3 1/2, I don't get the urge so much. I have learned to stay calm and I can explain things to him. I am very glad that I vowed to myself that I would never hit him. I slipped once and smacked his hand. That was so traumatic for both of us, I will never break his trust in me again.


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## bluegrassmom (Sep 8, 2004)

I was spanked exactly once as a child. I find it interesting why it was only once...I was old enough to talk, and told my grandparents that daddy spanked me. They went off on him and he never used spanking as discipline again (and I was usually a well-behaved child). It's interesting because they used to beat him with belts as disclipline, which I think they obviously later regretted.

My DS is still too young to do anything that would make me spank him. I haven't felt the urge so far. I don't intend to spank at any time in the future though.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I was spanked, but I do not/won't spank. DS is such a calm sensitive baby who thrives on human touch. I never want to violate his trust by using the touch he craves in a way that will hurt him. That, and I know that when I'm angry, I may not be able to think rationally enough to spank in anything other than anger.


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

MODERATOR NOTE:

Just a friendly reminder that in this forum we don't permit anyone to advocate spanking. No one has done so at this time, but I am nervous about where the thread is heading.

Thank you for respecting our guidelines.

Pamela


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

I was spanked as a child. At the age of 12 or 13 my mother slapped me, and I told her if she ever hit me again I would hit her back. I told her that I was plenty old enough, and intelligent enough to listen to what she had to say about my behavior but I would not be struck ever again. She got the point I guess.

There is no violence, and no assault in our home or family!


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

Do you think it stems from being spanked yourself? Or is it something else?


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

For me, I think it's a combination of being spanked and growing up in an environment that, in general, was pretty reactionary. I was surrounded by cousins for a good part of my childhood, many of whom were sort of violent. And my extended family (my mom's brothers and sisters) were very much of the "Don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about" mentality. So, while I didn't get hit very much compared to my cousins (because my dad wasn't around very much), the fear of being hit was there pretty much all the time. It was talked about a lot and lorded over us.

It's all damaging and something I don't want my son to grow up with. I've had to work *very* hard (and continue to do so when in the moment) to learn another way of responding to situations. My impulse is more to lash out verbally than physically (I have to be really out there to feel like getting physical, and that's happened about twice in the past 10 years or so). It's hard to control a silver tongue - I think it might be even harder to control than the impulse to hit, because the damage isn't as immediately apparent.

Anyway, rambling now.







The short answer is that yes, I think those impulses are very much related to the way I was punished as a child.


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

I was spanked as a child. I have spanked my dc in the past but that is part of the reason that I joined MDC ~ to learn new ways of disciplining my kids WITHOUT spanking. I don't think it is right and I believe there are better ways of dealing with things. I am very proud of the fact that I have stopped spanking my children.


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamapenelope*
My mom's behaviour WAS abusive...but at the time it wasn't labelled such, and since she's my mom, well...you all know how hard it is to admit that your mother did something so wrong...

I totally understand.

I was spanked with the belt at least once when I was a child. I would consider that abuse if anyone ever did that to my children, but I don't think that I was abused if that makes any sense. I think it was a different time then and they didn't know what we know now about the affects of spanking on children.


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## fayking (Jun 28, 2004)

i was spanked as a child..hit on the legs etc my dad used to throw things at me including a plate when i would not eat my meal and once a sheet of glass. this all stopped when i pushed him down the stairs when i was 13. that shocked him enough to realise the pain he was causing or maybe he just realised i was gonna fight back...but i have never forgiven him or my mum for allowing it to continue. i do not have children yet and i do have a very short fuse...but i am working now at controling my anger so i never do to my children what my parents did to me.


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## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamapenelope*
Oh, yeah, I was spanked.

Wooden spoon.

Belt.

Hand.

Hairbrush.

Carried by my hair and thrown in my room.









My mother was not considered abusive, though (and to this day I have trouble labelling her behaviour that way)...

I do NOT spank my children. But I yell too much.





















:

I could have posted the exact same thing so it was just easier to copy









Only exception being the pulled by the hair thing - don't remember experiencing getting my hair pulled. I did get clawed with my Mom's super long nails quite a few times though to the point that I had nightmares about them. Could also add my Mom's Dr. Scholls shoes - one of which got split in half by her on a neighbor's kid's butt. Ouch.

It was both my Mom and Dad that spanked me - equal oppurtunity I guess.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

I was "spanked" (physically punished).

I have hurt my children in anger. I do not spank, I WILL not hurt them again. I will regret to my death the times I have.

I do not consider it appropriate on a GD forum to even have an option to spank. Unless it is a situation like mine where you have lashed out in anger and mean to never again. Hitting is NOT GD and they can not be reconciled.


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TiredX2*
I do not consider it appropriate on a GD forum to even have an option to spank. Unless it is a situation like mine where you have lashed out in anger and mean to never again. Hitting is NOT GD and they can not be reconciled.

I've already posted a reminder on this thread that advocating spanking is not permitted.

I dont' think that spanking is being presented here as a desirable option, but as one that regretfully may occur as an ingrained response due to one's upbringing.

I've brought this thread to the attention of forum admin and if it is deemed inappropriate, it will be closed.

Respectfully,
Pamela


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## cynthia mosher (Aug 20, 1999)

While I can see the OP is curious to see a correlation (or not) between having been spanked and spanking (or not) I think such a discussion can easily deteriorate into something else far less desirable. So please proceed with caution. This forum does not host posts that speak in justification of spanking. So if anyone is inclined to acknowledge in a post that they spank and wish to follow up with reasons to justify it, please refrain. Limit yourself to voting on the poll. And if we do have poll votes that show "I spank" let's please not launch general attacks against the anonymous voter(s).


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## FoxintheSnow (May 11, 2004)

I just want to commend everyone for being so candid and mature with their responses. Im so glad that this didnt turn into one of those posts that make you cringe or roll your eyes. Thanks!

**Just a note in case anyone was wondering..I dont condone spanking at all, but I do admire people who once spanked and have overcame that because I am sure it is not easy to do!**


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## homebirthing (Nov 10, 2002)

I was spanked once or twice and I have spanked my children before in anger. It was awful, and horrible and I keep that in mind everytime that I get angry. That it is MY anger that makes me want to spank, not the way that they are acting. It is perfectly normal to poor a whole bottle of salad dressing on the floor to see where it goes. It is a learning tool for them, they honestly don't think any further then that. I have really worked on letting things go. I am sure that I did the same things as a child!! I have three girls 3,2, and 8 weeks. There are times when I am stressed out, but now I fall back on just letting things go, not spanking. Of which I am very proud!! I sure know that I wouldn't ever stand for being hit because someone else thought that I had messed up.

The hard thing for me is that my mother, who spanked me, says that my children should be spanked. Which is difficult. We can't talk about gentle discipline at all.


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## Sasha_girl (Feb 19, 2003)

My parents spanked, with a belt and paddle. Today it would be considered abusive, the way they did it.

I don't spank, although sometimes it takes every ounce of my willpower. I don't think it's so much because of how I was raised in the sense that "it worked for my parents", because I remember how powerless and angry I felt as a child. I certainly never want my children to feel that way, kwim? But sometimes I'm frustrated, things are moving too fast, kids are acting up, and I just want to yell or give a swat on the butt. I _know_ that spanking is horrid, I _know_ that's not the type of parent I want to be, I _know_ that prevention is key (have I eaten a good meal lately? Rested?), but sometimes I still get so overwhelmed.

I hate admitting this, and I'm working through it in my head, is that I never consider spanking my two boys, who are 3 and 11 months. It's not an option in my mind. By the time they were born dh and I had "discovered" AP and my boys and I have a very deep bond. They also have fairly easy personalities. The only child I've ever battled myself not to spank is dd, who is 5. When she was born dh and I listened to a lot of family advice. She was formula fed, slept in a crib, etc. Very mainstream style parenting. She is also quite a handful. I often wonder if her infanthood isn't the reason that she's such a pistol and why our bond doesn't go as deep. I'm working on loving her more when she's at her most unlovable, trying to deepen that bond.

Long answer and lots of babbling to say, I was spanked, I don't spank, although I sometimes have the urge to.


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## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)

I was constantly being spanked, with hands, and wooden spoon. My sisters barely ever got spanked. I was too fiery. I have forgiven my parents...for the most part. What gets me, is when I look at dd, who SO reminds me of ME as a young child...I could NEVER hit her...EVER. Even when I'm upset, it's just not something I could ever do. She's 5 now, btw. I remember getting hit with the wooden spoon, the first/earliest memory is when I was about 4. I did not sit in my bed 'thinking about what I had done'. I sat in my bed, crying, feeling betrayed, and alone.


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## mamapajama (Feb 9, 2003)

I was never spanked, although my parents would threaten to spank me, which I think is weird. But, no they never hit me.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Slightly







T

Quote:

I was too fiery.
I wanted to address what I consider a major reason not to spank. Often, people say that certain children just "need" to be spanked because they are out of control. Yet, everything I have read leads me to conclude that it is actually *more* harmful to spank an "out of control/ADHD" child. Often, those children most prone to push their parents "spank" button are those who most need GD modeled to them.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I was not spanked and do not have the urge to spank. I must say that I think a discussion about this issue is important. I feel like the parents who were spanked as children who are not spanking (or making a huge effort not to spank) are breaking a cycle.

Because I was not spanked, I have a hard time being terribly proud about not spanking ~ it just doesn't occur to me.


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## meco (Mar 1, 2004)

My parents spanked and yelled a lot--I do not resent any of it. I accepted it as part of the way they thought it was best to raise kids. They certainly will not change. My mom is still quite sharp and rude sometimes. My dad did stop spanking after he decided it was quite cruel and rarely illicted the response he was hoping for. It did JUST the opposite.

I choose to be a different kind of parent than that. If anything it made me more committed to the kind of parent I am and want to be. I do not have entertain the thought because I instinctively know that is not the way I want to parent.


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

I wasn't spanked and I have the urge to spank. I have a few times, as an immediate reaction - not a "spank", but a slap on the leg or hand - and it is one of the few things I will always, always regret that is inexcusable.









I really wasn't "raised" very well.... my mom died when I was four and my grandparents raised me. Their saying was "show me a child who is spoiled and I'll show you a child who is loved." They bought me everything and anything. I was allowed to get away with anything I wanted. And now I'm dealing with the fallout because, as a grown woman, I expect these things to happen and, in real life, they don't. It's become a subconscious and undesirable behavior for instant gratification by those around me. And obviously children never can and never will fit that criteria.


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## BrettsMama (Oct 17, 2003)

I was spanked quite a lot by my father. He lashed out in anger and was often inconsistent. He also hit with objects, including belts. He pulled my hair and slapped my face in front of my friends. I was never, ever able to think of him as anything other than a total a$$hole. I'm finally getting to a point where I think of a few good things he did as a father. It taught me nothing, other than to not get caught. It also ingrained deeply into me the urge to lash out in anger.

I decided long before I had kids that I would never spank. There was never a question in my mind. It was such a shock to me the first time I felt that strong urge to hit when I was frustrated at my son. I couldn't believe. I thought where is this coming from and WHY?! I would never, EVER hit him but why do I have these flashes of feeling the urge to hit. The only answer I can come up with is that my father's behaviors have etched themselves into my mind. I am working very hard to rid myself of this. It's like being poisoned. I don't even want to have that feeling. I hate being so quick to anger and wanting to lash out. I have done it verbally, with dh and I'm working on that too. I will never spank my son and inflict that kind of pain on him. He is such a sweet, albeit very high needs, intense child. Other parents hit their children for so much less. It makes me sad.







I don't want to be responsible for breaking my child's spirit.


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## MamaSoleil (Apr 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TiredX2*
Slightly







T

I wanted to address what I consider a major reason not to spank. Often, people say that certain children just "need" to be spanked because they are out of control. Yet, everything I have read leads me to conclude that it is actually *more* harmful to spank an "out of control/ADHD" child. Often, those children most prone to push their parents "spank" button are those who most need GD modeled to them.

I was/am fiery. I say what comes to mind, or act without thinking, and suffer/reap the consequences afterwards.
As a child, I would do exactly the opposite of what someone insisted I do. AS I grow, (cause I"m always growing), I've had to tone that down. I've realized it's not ALWAYS in my best interest to do something just to be non-conforming.
I could have learned this much sooner, with GD. For sure.
My mother has apologized for hitting me, and I know it's a real regret for her. She is proud of the way I choose to parent Soleil, (Samson is still a baby...but I will parent him as he needs it). My children are both so different from one another, and will learn and absorb lessons differently. My promise to them, and myself, is to recognize those differences, and grow with them. I have never spanked Soleil, nor will I spank Samson. I love Soleil's fiery self. I love the sparkle in her eye, and thru her mischief, she learns. And if that mischief does nothing other than annoy me, I turn a blind eye. I only call her on dangerous, or 'rude' actions. And yet, at the small age of 5, she already seems so much more in tune with herself, than I was. I like to think it's because I've given her the space to listen to her inner voice, and learn from her actions, without me constantly pointing out the lessons to her...
Oy. Sorry about that, OT...but there have been instances, when Soleil was twoish, and friends of mine would ask me if I spank, in that, "if you don't you should' tone. And other friends, who recently told me, that had they been her mother, they would have spanked her at the age of two! This made me cry








Why? Because she was curious, adventurious, and mischivious? Is this not what a kid is? And now, she's so sure and comfortable in her skin. I'm thankful I never punished her, for being her.


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## pageta (Nov 17, 2003)

I was spanked. But never in the heat of the moment. I was always told why I was being spanked and how many times it would be (and it was as they said). In fact, I was often given the choice between a spanking and sitting on a chair for 2 minutes and I ALWAYS chose the spanking because I could get it over with and go out and play. Do I feel like I was abused or do I have feelings of resentment toward my parents? No, probably because it was never done in anger. They were only trying their best to raise me to be a good person. I refuse to sit around and waste my life being bitter about things in the past that I cannot change.

With that said, will I spank my own children? Absolutely not. Nor will I ever make them sit on a chair for 2 minutes or punish them in any other way. I feel very strongly about this. Instead of punishment, I will connect with my children, help them understand what was wrong, guide them in a different direction, and make it worth it to them to behave differently (positive reinforcement coupled with allowing natural consequences to take their course). If I ever give my children a time out, I will do that time out with them and take that time to reconnect with them. Bottom line, I work very hard to do everything I can not to spank, even if it does seem the right thing to do in certain moments. I have not spanked, though at times I have had the urge. However, after resisting the urge a couple times, it did go away (thank goodness!). I will continue to work hard to find a better way to discipline my children.


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## Icequeen_in_ak (Mar 6, 2004)

I was spanked and I do have the occasional urge to spank, but I never could do it! I realize that I owe my daughter so much more than that. It is my job to work a little bit harder, control my anger (because honestly... I think spanking only makes the angry person feel better, it does nothing positive for the child) and find a better solution.


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## 3 little birds (Nov 19, 2001)

I was spanked liberally by my mother (noone else). I do not spank my children, although I spanked other children (nephew,etc) before I had children. It is something I am deeply ashamed of, even though I believed I was doing the best thing at the time. It was the only "discipline" I had ever been exposed to.

I do at times have the urge to spank, but I don't. I feel that a big part of that comes from having been spanked. The other part is frustration, and an inability to meet the needs of many young children all at once. However, I have done things that I am not proud of and equate with spanking-yelling, arm grabbing,etc. I am committed to not letting these things occur again.

I never bonded well with my mother, and I believe a big reason for that was being spanked from 6 months of age, onward. I remember being resentful, angry and scared, even when I was being spanked. She loves to brag how well behaved I was as a small child, I could go to restraunts, never make a peep, never climb the furniture, etc. She seems to forget, that at a certain age I resorted to simply becoming sneaky in order not to get caught and then became outright rebellious. I hope the well behaved toddler was worth the teenage trauma.









Dh was spanked but his mother now regrets it. He also says that it only made him very good at not getting caught.

Yesterday my two year old stood on a glass coffee table at my mother's house and jumped onto the chair next to it. Obviously, not a good idea and not something he is told is okay. My mother saw him and screamed at him. I went and got him and told him it was not okay to climb on the furniture. My mother went on and on about how bad he is and how he isn't afraid to be told no. I was sort of proud because I was thinking- "That's right, he isn't afraid of me. He knows that I would never hurt him, even when he does things that I don't like."


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## puddinnpeanut (Jan 22, 2002)

I think this is a wonderful thread! I very much believe in gentle discipline and strive to parent in a GD way everyday! However, I have to say I felt a sigh of relief, in a way, reading this thread that other AP/GD mamas have to work really HARD to sometimes resist urges to spank, yell, etc.

I was spanked a handful of times as a child and had my dad's belt left hanging on my doorknob, so I could think about things!







However I vowed as a child I would never spank my children! I even remember recording an audio tape when I was probably about 10 of the things I did not want to do to my children! I wish I could find that tape now and listen to it! Anyway, I digress, I do have a close relationship with my parents now and have tried for the most part to put bitter feelings aside! However, I know that my temper and occasional urge to spank comes from my dad's short fuse!
Thanks everyone for being so honest, it helps to not feel alone! I have never spanked and never plan to spank, however I often wondered how can I be so supposed AP:natural childbirth, tandem nursing two toddlers, no circumcision, co- sleeping, baby-wearing, etc. and even have this thought! Thanks again! I too sometimes give myself a break! Good luck to everyone!


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