# When I see kids getting hit in public ...



## Cuppa-Love (Oct 1, 2004)

What do you do when you see people smacking their kids around in public







? This is a rant yes, but it makes me so mad and very upset that not only do we all have to see it but the poor lil children are being abused!!!! I've been thinking about it and have decided this:
next time I see this happen I will not be shocked and turn away and stew about it. I will go up to them and say "Is there anything I can do to help you"? Whoa!







: ope I can do this! It woul dbe hard for me but is there anything else we can do in these situations - I believ it is our responsibilty ... others may think I should mind my own business. What do you think?


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## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

I've done the empathetic, "I know things can be stressful can I help you with your shopping?" sort of approach but, bear in mind, I'm a brownbelt in karate and am of a muscular enough build that people don't scare me I just never fear for my personal safety.

I don't think turning your head away gives the right message to the child. If the child gets the message that there are better ways and the mother gets the message that people want to help her in her circumstances perhaps some good will eventually sink into the lives of these families.

Debra Baker


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

It has been a long time since I've seen a child get hit(thankfully), but I love the "gosh, you look like you have your hands full....could I help?" approach--best used, obviously, *before* the hitting commences! So, when I use this approach, I actually have no idea if that parent would hit the child (ok, sometimes they've threatened...). *I* would never hit my child, but I sure have been overwhelmed in public before and have appreciated the help of kind strangers! (carrying my groceries to my car, distracting dd, etc.)


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

Why don't you act like you're taking a pic w/ a camera phone & that you're sending it to CPS?!


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## mamadawg (Jun 23, 2004)

I've never seen that before. I don't know what I'd do, but I'd probably offer to help out in a gentle, but firm way. I HAVE seen kids being verbally abused (at the zoo) and it broke my heart. I didn't say anything, and I really regret that. I vowed that next time I ever saw anyone mistreating a child, I'd step in.

If you believe in the principal that "it takes a village to raise a child" then it is every adult's responsibility to step in to help the child out (and the parent too). I personally believe that the welfare of children is all of our business. Everything & every being is interconnected & if a child is being abused, we all hurt because of it.


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## sarajane (Oct 20, 2004)

Hitting? Or spanking?

I don't think hitting in the face or yelling and cursing at the kid do any good but spanking is a different thing. I am just wondering which we are talking about here.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

How is spanking different? It's just hitting them in a different location.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sarajane*
Hitting? Or spanking?

I don't think hitting in the face or yelling and cursing at the kid do any good but spanking is a different thing. I am just wondering which we are talking about here.

When an adult strikes an adult, it's hitting.
When a child hits a child, it's hitting.
When a child hits an adult, it's hitting.

Why is it that when an adult hits a child, it's "spanking"?









Annette


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## mamadawg (Jun 23, 2004)

I agree: spanking = hitting.


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## nova22 (Jun 26, 2004)

I've been fortunate enough to NEVER see a child hit, but I have seen some kids horribly verbally abused. I don't mean just yelling at them for doing something wrong; they were called stupid and ignorant, and cussed at. At a time like that you've got to be careful you don't say anything to anger the caregiver further, because they're more likely to take it out on the child. ("Look what happened, you embarrassed me, now you're gonna get it"). When we were at an indoor playplace and a kid was getting screamed at for being stupid and being a jerk, I got down on the floor and next time he ran by, I said, "Look at how fast you can go!" He got a big grin on his face and ran back and forth in front of me while I said "Look at you go!" The mother seemed to calm down because he was behaving himself. Sometimes I think parents freak out in public because they don't want their kids to annoy other people, if that makes sense. When this particular mother realized that her kid was just being a kid she was able to chill out. They left in good spirits. Unfortunatly other mothers yelled at their kids no matter what other parents did.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sarajane*
Hitting? Or spanking?

I don't think hitting in the face or yelling and cursing at the kid do any good but spanking is a different thing. I am just wondering which we are talking about here.

Spanking=hitting.

Mothering Magazine, which this board is for, is strongly opposed to spanking.

http://www.mothering.com/guest_edito...place/107.html
http://www.mothering.com/articles/gr...e_the_rod.html


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

This just came up in the GD forum, too.

I've made a personal commitment to intervene when I see an adult mistreating a child.

Last weekend we were at a Pumpkin Patch and a woman was pulling her 7 yr. old daughter by the clothes. The girl was sobbing and begging the mom. When they went behind the Port-a-Johns, I knew it was going to escalate so I followed her. She started dragging the child by the back of her clothes with the girl's knees dragging across a rocky dirt road.

I asked her if she needed help and she told me she was going to "beat her." I tried to be nice and talk about how long days and being worn out. She stopped dragging her. But, I'm not sure I sent the right message to the daughter--I felt like I was too nice and justifying the woman's behavior. When she got the girl to the car she hauled off and smacked her.

So, I might just start freaking out on people the way I would if that woman had been dragging an elderly person by the clothes.


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## Cuppa-Love (Oct 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *monkey's mom*
So, I might just start freaking out on people the way I would if that woman had been dragging an elderly person by the clothes.


Oh good one! This is hard hey. I am glad I posted this because it is easy to judge but it is hard to actually step in to protect our "village" and yes, we don't allow it to happen to anyone but children, our most precious 'resource'!!!
If it was an old person getting dragged I would say "oh my God what are you doing" and try to help the old person up but with children I just get really sad and sick and stress about it.
Thanks for giving me some courage everyone, to do more than I thought i could!


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

That's a really good comparison. How sad that it's so ingrained in our culture that adults can do whatever they want to children and people don't step in.


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## Benji'sMom (Sep 14, 2004)

The problem is that legally you can hit your kids but not your grandmother. So if you intervene with children, YOU could get in trouble for it, and I think that's what scares people from getting involved. It's easier to help an old lady because you know the police would be on your side. I just wish our laws would protect kids from it.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Sad, but true, Benji's mom!

However, there is no law against yelling "KNOCK IT OFF! I'm calling the police!" at someone. So that's worth it to make sure a kid stops getting whaled on.


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## annakiss (Apr 4, 2003)

Please be aware that MDC does not advocate spanking.


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## whatever (May 4, 2004)

I don't know, I think that in my own case with a physically abusive father and a mentally abusive mother that any intervention would have made things worse for me. Because it was really my fault anyway (my parent's warped thinking). they would just take all their anger at the person out on me. If someone confronted them, it didn't really help at all. Even knowing that what they did was wrong, well, gosh. The sooner I capitualted, the sooner it would stop.

I guess if child abuse is something people feel strongly enough about to do something, maybe you could get involved in volunteer work with an existing campaign (assuming you're not already).

If someone is having a bad day, rather than really whaling on their kids, I guess maybe you can help. SOmetimes it does break the tension if you just acknowledge that the parent is having a bad day.


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## RubyV (Feb 4, 2004)

I always call the police, though the police quite often say that they can't do anything because it's legal. I do intervene, and a few times it's been scary. Once on the F train in NY, this man was abusing his wife and daughter. I called the cops, and took great pleasure in watching the cops treat him non too gently. He did offer to beat me too for being a nosey bitch. Sad thing, was that the wife got mad at me for intervening and calling the cops, because he obviuosly didn't mean to beat his kid on the train.







:


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## Moss's Mommy (Mar 28, 2002)

How strange that this was posted.... I was at a Halloween party and heard a loud smacking noise, suddenly turned around and a mom was beating and yelling at her child in plain sight. I became enraged and didn't know what to do. I think it is socially acceptable here to do that, because nobody was even noticing. I wanted to fight the woman. All I could say is... What a Bi***!!!!! I wish I could have done something, but I just felt shocked and froze. Cell phone idea is a good one. It upsets me. We should take a stand but I'm interested in knowing some more ideas, I don't know if in the heat of the moment I could just walk up and say.... I know your stressed, can I help???? and yes, my parents were abusive... I think that they would've just beat me harder when we got to the car.


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## charmarty (Jan 27, 2002)

bumping
nak

AND making it my personal campaign to GET INVOLVED.
This htread has given me an idea to start a tribe for it...........more ppl need to make it their buisness to help those who need it and those who need US to be thier voice.


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## charmarty (Jan 27, 2002)

bumping
nak

AND making it my personal campaign to GET INVOLVED.
This htread has given me an idea to start a tribe for it...........more ppl need to make it their buisness to help those who need it and those who need US to be thier voice.


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## MotherEden (Dec 18, 2004)

I always say "excuse me, but it is not ok to hit a child" The moms always tell me to mind their own business but I dont care. I was the child to know that not everything thinks it is ok.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

Someone said upthread that it may not help to call the police because it's legal (I assume they meant the usual mainstream 'spanking', not slapping the face, dragging, punching etc, which I don't think is legal anywhere). Our medieval group has a kids' armored combat program, where the kids wear armor and helmets and all that, and the weapons are essentially homemade Nerf swords. It's still illegal, in PA, for the adult instructors of the program to strike a kid, in armor, with a Nerf sword. We have been advised by various legal-types that the PA law is written in such a way that it is always illegal for someone over 18 to strike someone under 18 in any way. So in our case, the instructors have to demonstrate on each other, and then the kids can practice with each other.







:

Anyway, my point was that it might be worth it to investigate what your state laws are. Maybe you can do more than you think you can.


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## andi_3k (Oct 22, 2002)

I am usually to stuned to do anyting, however the most stunning response I have ever seen to a child being mistreated came from a former boss of mine
Paul was 7'1" and loved kids...he was also the security manager in a store, he took that to mean the physical safety of the children in the store too,.,, so one day we are walking around the store and this couple is having hissy fits all over their toddler at one point the guy picked the youngester up - by the hair_ and kicked him in the back...then dropped him and screamed for him to stop crying! Paul, being as much taller than this guy as he was taller than the toddler, picked the father of the child up took him in the next aisle and grabbed him by the hair and kicked him accross the back! then said, " do you like it? No, then I don't expect your child does either! Now get into my office while I call the cops" turned out they had just gotten the kid back after a 6 month long removal for similar treatment.
I wish I could respond more creativily, maybe not like paul but in such a manner that they think before do it something like that again


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I have never actually seen some one abusing their child in public (but then I avoid walmart). I know my SIL and BIL spank their kids. They talk about it, and I have told dh that we should say something but he says no and they are his family.







: I promise from now on if I ever see some one hitting a child I will say something. I think I will go with the shocked response "Oh my god what are you doing?" That way they will hopefully realize what they are doing is not acceptable. Then I may threaten to call the police. I just don't think it is right, and at least the child will see that what their parent is doing isn't right.


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## loftmama (Feb 12, 2004)

I just read some really great advice from the book *Playful Parenting.* It said to sympathize as best you can with the mom. Definitely do not say or do anything that will make her only feel worse, b/c this will only result in more severe treatment of the child in private. For instance, when he saw a Mom being excessively rude to her children in the store, he jumped right in with comments like: Wow, it's so hard taking 3 children to the store, especially after a long day. OR How in the world do you manage? He then offered to help push the buggy to her car, encouraging her to vent all the way. This accomplished several things. 1 venting allowed her to cool down. 2 having a sympathetic ear helped her to feel more connected to others. 3 it let the child know that yes, others were paying attention and not ignoring the abuse and 4 by making the mom feel better, she was less compelled to privately continue the abuse. The author says this is what most parents who are abusing their children need anyway. They are at their wit's end, often alone and just need another adult to listen. If you really build up a good reporte (sp?) you can say something like: It really helps when I do this...

When I read the book A Child Named It, or something like that, above all he did not want anyone angering his abusive mom more. It scared him even more, b/c then she would be humiliated and the consequences at home were horrific! He really just wanted an adult, any adult, to just make his mom feel better, happier. When she was happy, she was less abusive.

I have yet to have had a chance to use this advice. I have seen abusive situations in public and have always been too shocked and disturbed to act on it, I'm ashamed to say. I hope the next time I do I have the courage to talk sympathetically to the mom and to admit how tough parenting can be, etc.


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## achintyasamma (Aug 4, 2004)

i was on a flight from singapore to frankfurt (12 hours) sitting next to a mom and he 18 mo. it wasn't the first leg of her journey and she was obviously exhausted, as were we. she was talking in a very nasty tone to her son and the air hostesses from the time she boarded the plane and dh and i were concerned. she did smack him a few times, which was upsetting to us, but i did not have the courage to say anything to her, not even to offer her help. the boy was next to me, so i tried to play with him, but i think she assumed that he was bothering me as much as he was obviously bothering her and she kept telling him to knock it off. at some point she just fell asleep and the air hostess played with her son for a while. when we got off the plane in germany she was in the bathroom with me changing dipes and she was being really nice to me and the kid. she had different seats on the next leg, but i saw her sleeping some more and there was another air hostess entertaining the kid. we were together again in the airport in new york and she was again acting really nice. it made me realize that not everyone who hits their child is a monster (although the act is terrible). she was just really overwhelmed and having trouble coping. it made me wish i had spoken up and offered to help in the very beginning. btw, she was still breastfeeding the boy which seemed wild to me. i've always thought of ap as a package deal, ie ebf = you would never hit your kids. just goes to show.

if you can try to figure out if the parent is really abusive, or just someone who is having a tough time and doesn't think spanking/hitting a child is 100% wrong, it may help direct your course of action. i will speak up in the future if i don't get the feeling that doing so could cause the kids more problems.


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## KermitMissesJim (Feb 12, 2004)

I'm not seeing the connection between WalMart and parents hitting their kids.

I agree with the author of A Child Named It. Be helpful, not confrontational, first. I got it worse if my mom felt people were judging her.


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## Ahimsa (Apr 7, 2004)

I wish hitting kids was illegal. I am always bothered when I see parents losing it on their kids. I wish I had courage to do something, but I am very shy to begin with. I usually just get a terrible feeling and an rminded of the abuse I suffered. I've always known hitting kids is wrong since I was a kid myself.









Ahimsa


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## milk_maker (Jun 24, 2004)

Just be careful about the whole confrontation thing. I grew up in an extremely abusive household and had an experience where someone tried to intervene. I had done something to piss my father off in the car and he pulled over on the side of the road and was beating me. Someone stopped and started yelling at my father. My dad shoved me in the car, drove off, beat me all the way home over the seat, and then gave it to me worse when we got home. If that guy had just kept driving I would have gotten spanked on the side of the road and that was it. Instead, I got ten times what I would have and couldn't sit for a week.

Just remember that.


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## heldt123 (Aug 5, 2004)

What about obvious neglect? I was at the mall a couple weeks ago and I ususally take my son to the center area where they have those 50cent rides--cars, horses, etc... Anyway, there were two children playing there by themselves--a girl about 2 - 2-1/2 years old and a boy that looked to be about 4 years old. I looked around to see who was watching them and people kept walking by, but no one stopped. After about 5 minutes, the girl began screaming because she wanted to sit in a certain spot....oh what do you know, here comes Dad who had a baby in a baby carrier. He was a long distance down the mall signing up for a cell phone. He came up and told the boy "you are supposed to be watching her!" Excuse me, but children that young are not capable of watching themselves, let alone a younger child! He went right back to the cell phone booth and almost never looked back to check on these kids. I stayed for quite a while, as it would have been soo easy for someone to have taken these kids and blended right into the busy hallways. If I had had a cell phone, I probably would have called the police to at least scare the guy. I regret not saying anything, but what do you do?

Oh, and I have never seen anyone hit their child in public...seen neglect quite a bit though.


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## Ellp (Nov 18, 2004)

The only time I've seen a parent hit her child was when we were riding on a ferry and it was very crowded. The mother of these two girls (one about 15, and the other about 10-11) seemed a little frazzled, and the crowding didn't help. Well the younger girl was bugging her mom about something, and tugging on her purse (I guess she wanted something from the gift shop), and her mom had repeated said "no". Well the girl tried again, and the mom just hauled back and walloped her across the face, of course the girl began sobbing.

You should have seen and heard the hush that overcame everyone on the ferry! A pin could've dropped! A woman approached the mom and asked if she could help, and the mom I guess got embarassed, said something I couldn't hear and got up with the two girls to go back to the car level. There was some muttering amongst the crowd, and I'm sure that some people followed the trio to their car, just to make sure it didn't happen again.

I have to say I was shocked and to this day I still wonder about the girls. (The older girl didn't react at all. I guess she's experienced enough and seen enough of the same thing going on before.







)


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## Cloth4Colin (Dec 12, 2004)

I wish I too could/would do or say more when I see this...it makes me so incredibly sad to see this go on - I couldn't imagine treating DS like that - and in PUBLIC, no less. I pray for those little kids, as well as the parents, each time I see this...I know that I should do more in the way of action, though...hopefully next time I can get the courage to!


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## Greaseball (Feb 1, 2002)

I'm not sure I agree with trying to offer sympathy to the mom, or whoever is doing the hitting. After all, when a people see a man beating a woman no one goes up to him and says "Hey, I know being married is hard. Can I help you deal with your woman?" Being married _is_ hard. I still don't have sympathy for people who choose not to control themselves.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Greaseball---

The problem with that line of thinking is that spousal abuse is illegal, while hitting your child, in most places, is not.

If a woman is in a battered spouse situation, the best thing she can do is GET OUT. The law will back her (







) on this as well.

With most forms of hitting children, though, the kids will NOT be taken away from the parents. While convincing them that they (the children) are not at fault is a good long term solution, for the here & now getting the parent to calm down before they go home (and perhaps *really* hurt the child) has to be of primary importance.

Additionally, as many others have mentioned--- most adults who are hitting a child *know* they are doing the wrong thing. Unfortunately, that guilt instead of galvanizing change can just increase the severity of their anger.

I think that sympathizing with the parent in this case it not just all about making *them* feel better--- but about making them feel enough better to be able to control themselves.


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