# Talk to me about your strategies for not yelling



## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)

I'm a yeller. I do it every day and to every child (except my youngest... because he's "only three" in my head (baby)). I need to stop this. It is not productive and it's producing a low self-esteem in my kids. And in myself.

I love my kids madly and I am a very passionate person. I'm also very edgy and irritable. Some of my triggers are

1. Temper Tantrums by my five year old. I really really really hate them. Talking to him doesn't help. Holding him doesn't help. I HAVE noticed that walking away for a few minutes, then coming back and holding him and talking to him does help... but sometimes I am so overwhelmed I can't do it and I lash out.

2. When my oldest doesn't live up to potential. And that's a bear of a problem. I know how smart he is. He's brilliant. But, we just recently discovered (yesterday) that he is has ADD. And one of the reasons his self-esteem is so low is that I yell at him. Maybe now I can be less of a yeller and more of a supporter since there's a real cause for his actions (or inactions as it were).

3. Going over to my parents' house. I feel judgement from my mother, specifically, and even spending one hour within her presence will set me off for hours. Sometimes a day or more. Cutting her out of our life completely is impossible as my parents own our home, but cutting down spending voluntary time with her is a definite option. One which I will be exploring.

4. Feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes, all five of the kids need something at once. And I can't do it all at once and I feel their emotions pounding on me. I'm very empathic, so I feel everything they are feeling and it's just too much. I've been working on shielding myself, but a lot of the times, I'm not on my guard, yk? I also try to prevent the "everyone needs something RIGHT NOW" syndrome by caring for their needs before they become urgent. However, no one is perfect, no?

5. Transition times are tough as well. Coming home from school, the assimilation back into the home is hard. Everyone wants something and needs my immediate attention. I've tried to get the kids to give me any and all folders immediately and/or put them on my desk so I can attend to it one at a time. It seems to be working somewhat, but I'm a bit behind today.

I think that's it... so tell me, what are your trigger moments and how do you handle them?


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Hmm, how to stop yellling....Some ideas.

I have turned off the volume in the house. I try to keep the house as quiet as possible because that's when we yell, when we are experiencing chaos in the house with no real idea where all of the chaos is coming from...it's the noise and stimulation....turn it all off when the kids come home from school, lights and all.

Also, I try to whisper when I feel like yelling...try it, they actually listen!

When they all want something at once, I go into another room for a minute to collect myself. All of those "mom,can I have, Mom I need, MOOOOMMM"s drive me crazy. When I come back, I just do one thing at a time. If it's drinks, or snacks, that's preventable. I put all of their cups in a low drawer and they can serve themselves. Snacks can be put out before they get home from school.
Well, that's all I've got, but hey, I only have 3 children, not 5!
Lisa


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa49* 
I try to whisper when I feel like yelling...try it, they actually listen!

Worth repeating! I do that too as I, by nature, am a yeller as well. And I agree with keeping everything in the enviornment quiet too, I do NOT feel comfortable in loud situations & am more likely to yell then...out of frusteration & nervousness.


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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)

yes, i don't like chaos and it makes my head just go nuts!!! right now, the TV is off, there is no chaos. The kids are playing quietly. Not fighting. Just really being agreeable. One child has built a waterfall out of a blanket and a playsilk. One is running around with a felt sword. My husband and I both put a lot of effort into not yelling today and it was TOUGH. We even had some situations where it was... almost like we were pushing ourselves to see how far we went. We went to whole foods on saturday (eek) and it was tough, but we did pretty well, lol. We're also working on redirecting things when the kids get too crazy... like moving outside or moving on to a different activity.

Parenting is hard work.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoodWillHunter* 

Parenting is hard work.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

One day down!







As you start adding more and more days it will become easier - and a "yelling free" past will build up & THAT predicts the future. Believe me, I get it! My initial reaction to everything is to yell!







Hang in there!


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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)

Thank you... here's starting day two.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

The best thing I can do to keep from yelling is have a script ready. Even if it's the same thing over and over, it helps me.

Good luck on day 2!


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## Unreal (Dec 15, 2002)

Okay...I never would have pegged you as a yeller.
But I could have written the exact same post.

I just lose it when I'm on overload--which seems like ALL the time lately.

Rescue remedy helps if I catch it in time.

Getting more sleep









My sensory integration issues play a big part in everything
but it isn't like I can just turn those on and off









*sigh*

anyhow--I'll definitely be reading this thread and taking notes


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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)

Yes, i get overloaded very easily. I'm amazed I don't come off as a yeller, but I'm not very confrontational, either.

At any rate, RR is something I'm going to keep in my pocket. Today I knew I was getting over loaded and told the kids I was going to turn the TV off because it was making me grouchy. it worked!!!

We're about to go to Six Flags in a second. Also, another way that i've helped myself is making sure things are done when they need to be done and put things where they belong so I can find them later... prevents a lot of frustration.


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## mamajama (Oct 12, 2002)

One thing that helps me is to talk to my kids about it. I let them know that I'm working on it and then they remind me when I forget







:
It has really helped. I've had to restart maybe three times in our lives when I realize I'm slipping into bad reactionary habits again and just to talk openly about it with them helps so much. Plus, I like to think it negates some of the damage and hurt I have caused by yelling in the first place. I think it's good to let them know tht it's not their fault, It's my responsibility to be respectful.

It's really hard when I yell and they say "mom, stop it, you're yelling..." I have no choice at that point but to screech to a halt and quickly assess my behaviour. I apaologise and say I need a moment to breathe or whatever and then come back with more clamness and repect. It's HARD though for sure.


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## lizabird (Jan 19, 2004)

Hmmm... I am generally not a yeller at all, but I have yelled at ds a few times and afterwards I feel totally horrible about it, and it's that which generally keeps me from yelling again. I get most frustrated when ds (3.5 yrs old) keeps pushing the limits and is yelling at me about something, I stand my ground, stay consistent, try different strategies, and finally I reach my tolerance limit and I yell at him. I've only done this a few times and immediately I know that was NOT the best way to handle it. I try thinking of any and all alternatives and better ways to deal with the situation next time. I do appologise to ds afterwards and tell him I was sooo frustrated and I finally yelled but I know that wasn't the best way to deal with my frustration. I think of various reasoning strategies I could/should have used. I know that yelling makes me feel aweful afterwards. Sheesh, he's only a little kid, after all, and I know that yelling didn't solve anything other than releaving my own pent up frustrations at having him yell at me.
I'm going around in circles here, but these are the things I think about that help keep me from yelling again. Sometimes I even tell him I am going to walk away and come back in a few minutes. Sometimes he follows after me and keeps yelling at me, other times he lets me have my cool-off moment where i can take a breathe and come back to the situation w/o yelling. GOod luck to you, that's tough, but keep working on it. THe more times you can catch yourself before yelling, I think the better you'll feel.


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## kittywilbur (Oct 11, 2005)

"Well, that's all I've got, but hey, I only have 3 children, not 5!
Lisa"

How old are your kids?


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## Altair (May 1, 2005)

My trick for myself right now is more of a rationale... I think to myself "I am upset at a CHILD right now who is not handling his/her emotions well. I need to be the MODEL right now of how we express emotions when we are overwhelmed."

I constantly remind myself that as adults we expect children to monitor and mellow their emotions when they are overwhelmed, yet when push comes to shove we model to them that it's ok to yell and scream and lose your cool when you are overwhelmed. Yelling is a learned action. We teach children how to keep their cool by keeping our own.

It's been a few years now that this trick has worked for me... for 3 years now I have not raised my voice above speaking level.

BUT when I was in the habit of raising my voice, I had to do something else first. I would do a kind of bio-feedback on my body and notice where I was feeling stress RIGHT in the middle of the crisis (or feeling of being overwhelmed). I usually told myself to lower my blood pressure, to relax my muscles. I told myelf to *observe* my surroundings, but not to let the stress into my body (a lot of Reiki study helped here).

It took a LOT of work but it was a huge priority of mine. It took me about a year of doing the bio-feedback, then I was able to set the goal of never raising my voice again, and I just need the first reminder now. It's hard, but it gets easier as it becomes more routine.


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## lisac77 (May 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Unreal* 

My sensory integration issues play a big part in everything
but it isn't like I can just turn those on and off










Yes!!! I am not the only one!

Yesterday we were making blueberry muffins and the sound of DS stirring the flour and sugar together in a metal bowl was enough to set me off for the whole day. The whole freaking day I was on edge and yelling at him. Today wasn't much better.







I feel like such a horrible mother.

The problem yesterday was that I needed a break, big time. I needed to just be left alone to recharge my batteries and read a book. DS is an extrovert and an only child. He wants to be with me all the time. I am failing him, or so it feels.








:

DH works all the time and only sees DS for about 30 minutes at the end of the day. He is never home to help. I'm seriously thinking about getting a babysitter next weekend because I just need a fricking break.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kittywilbur* 
"Well, that's all I've got, but hey, I only have 3 children, not 5!
Lisa"

How old are your kids?

My children are 7, 5 and 21 months. I used to yell all the time. I didn't understand how to parent without yelling...LOL. Then, I had a friend who never yelled at her kids and they listened. So, I started paying more attention to my habit and realized that I yell when I'm overstimulated, and when I'm panicked (like when my kids got too far away at a park). Anyway, a ton of reading and watching other parents do what I don't like to do has helped tremendously.

Now, we're working on eliminating threats. My son is quick to recognize them and call us on them. By the time we're perfect parents...the kids will have moved out








Lisa


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## Unreal (Dec 15, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisac77* 
Yes!!! I am not the only one!

Yesterday we were making blueberry muffins and the sound of DS stirring the flour and sugar together in a metal bowl was enough to set me off for the whole day. The whole freaking day I was on edge and yelling at him. Today wasn't much better.







I feel like such a horrible mother.

The problem yesterday was that I needed a break, big time. I needed to just be left alone to recharge my batteries and read a book. DS is an extrovert and an only child. He wants to be with me all the time. I am failing him, or so it feels.








:

DH works all the time and only sees DS for about 30 minutes at the end of the day. He is never home to help. I'm seriously thinking about getting a babysitter next weekend because I just need a fricking break.

my take on it isn't that I am failing the kids..its that I'm failing myself.

I have yet to figure out how to get what *I* need so I can be mentally sane.

I spend all day TRYING to get time alone, so I never appreciate the time with the kids.
and I find myself really resenting their intrusions









When I know...if i just got 8 hours of sleep...and if I ate real meals....and I got 30 minutes a day to exercise away from the kids, I'd be fine and ready to handle them.

The overtired really gets me...since then I have coffee to function and that starts me off on edge, kwim?

and I sit here and *know* this


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## nancyw (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Deva33mommy* 
The best thing I can do to keep from yelling is have a script ready. Even if it's the same thing over and over, it helps me.


Deva33mommy, can you give an example? what do you mean by a script, and do you have different 'scripts' for different triggers/situations?

thanks!,
nancy


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## luv my 2 sweeties (Aug 30, 2003)

Someone mentioned getting enough sleep. This can be difficult, but for me, that is *so* true. If I'm well rested, I cope with everything much, much better and I yell less. If it's true for you too, try going to bed earlier. Be strict about the kids' bedtimes if necessary. The damage (if any) done by having to go to bed when you say will be much less than the damage done by your yelling when you can't hold it together during the rest of the day. (Plus, the *kids* being well rested can make a difference too!)

My big yelling trigger is when the kids ignore me. Unfortunately, using a normal tone of voice a few times, followed by yelling to get their attention has caused them to learn to ignore me until I yell.









I don't have any strategies for this one aside from going over to the child and making physical contact. (Hand on shoulder, face to face, whatever.) That often works, but it's not always practical. My kids are nearly 5 and 7 now, which seems like old enough to not need that kind of redirection all the time. It really makes me feel disrespected, which makes me angry and I yell. Maybe I need to re-interpret their behavior or something. In any case it *is* hard!


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## Lohagrace (Sep 21, 2006)

I yell. probably at least once a day. sometimes really, really bad--adding curse words, etc. when i "blow up" i really go...its like i have tunnel-vision and i can't stop until i've released all the anger/frustration. it is hard, but getting better. the triggers have changed over time and i'm just beginning to notice them. weirdly, it never occurred to me (as it has to some of you) to make a vow to not yell. (or like, this is yelling-free day #1). i don't know if i should do such a thing, because if i mess up and yell, then its like i "failed" on the thing i promised not to do. but if i just say "i'll try not to yell" its not firm enough to hold me on track...kwim?

my triggers are: trying to get ready to go and dd is sooooooooooo SO SO slow and/or distractable that it takes like 30 minutes to get socks on. that tends to make me lose it. i have a few strategies such as just dressing her without saying anything while she is busy with a book/toy etc. and just basically saying "we are going now" and she knows i will walk out the door, so she moves fast. its kind of coercive, but i really cannot stand it when my requests to get ready are ignored or just not important to her.

hitting/kicking/screaming at me is a big, big trigger of mine. it makes me lose my sh*t in a big way. i have another thread about that. what i am going to work on is a script--like every time that happens "we don't hit. the rule is we don't hit because it hurts. you are hurting me." and getting down on her level. trying to connect. also if she won't stop walking away. because i will lose it, and walking away is better than screaming.

hurting baby brother. another big trigger. if its intentional or just carelessness, i tend to yell about it.

being tired. i'm not a good mom when i'm tired. that's just all there is to it. i work on it. sometimes i just go to bed when they do. but that brings me to...

not having enough me-time. someone else said they resent their children's intrusions. i totally relate. i am angriest when i feel that i have a RIGHT to do something (watch a movie, read a book, talk to dh, whatever) and the kids are preventing me from doing that by not going to bed, talking constantly, having demands, etc. i also focus a lot on getting away from them, and these things make me get angry. i am working on being more present in the moment with them. enjoying time with them, rather than focusing on what needs to get done, how i'm not getting what i want, etc. being centered/present is hard. i think its a big lesson my children have for me...one of the main reasons i am a parent, i think, is to learn to cherish the moment. i have a hard time remembering that this time is very short and i will look back on it someday and wonder why i didnt cherish it more, even though its hard. i try to remember that they grow up fast, and someday i will have a lot more me time.

i think also, i don't always yell, but i OFTEN have an annoyed/edgy tone to my voice that expresses how short my fuse is some days. i think its pretty awful that dd must think i'm always finding her to be a nusance/inconvenience. my patience for some things just runs thin (like her CONSTANT chatter. its yammer yammer yammer 24/7 and sometimes i just can't take it anymore, especially while i'm driving. "what's this mommy? why, mommy?" etc. constant. augh. its exhausting. lately she has taken to saying "Ma-MMMMMAAAAAAA" or "but, ma-MA!" when she needs/wants something in this really whiny voice. it really sets me on edge.

whoever in this thread said parenting is hard--man! it is the hardest thing in the world. but so many of you have 3, 4, 5 kids!







i don't know how you do it. maybe if dd were an easier child. i guess i'm lucky that i got my hardest one first (i hope!) because its made me know i could never handle 5 kids!


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Unreal* 
if i just got 8 hours of sleep...and if I ate real meals....and I got 30 minutes a day to exercise away from the kids, I'd be fine and ready to handle them.

This is me, too. If I do everything right (sleep, eat, exercise, vitamins), then I can keep it together. If I miss any part of the equation, I'm sunk. Since my little ones often tag-team me with their nightwakings I'm more often not ok. Weekends are better than weekdays since DH is home to help. And today is Monday...









I'm trying to decide if this is depression or not.


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## tarablesue (Sep 23, 2002)

Thank you for starting this thread. It makes me feel like I am more human







I am the one who is more gentle with the kids ( Dh not so much) and I think hearing him yell has made me yell more, which isn't better for anyone, becasue now they have BOTH parents yelling at them







Im going to try some suggestions mentioned here and today is going to be a new day


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

It's good that you've identified your triggers. My personal triggers are when we are rushed for time (DS tends to be very slow-moving in the mornings especially) and when I feel overwhelmed. Not yelling is a day-by-day process for me, but here are some things that have helped me a LOT:

1. Giving us plenty of time to get ready to go places. I've started waking DS up 30 minutes earlier in the mornings, and it's made a world of difference. My goal for this week is to start getting up 30 minutes earlier myself so that I can spend 30 minutes of my morning helping him to get ready. (My 18-month-old doesn't go to sleep until 11 PM most nights, so this part is harder than it sounds!) I think DS feels very pressured in the mornings to do everything in a hurry, and it results in him shutting down and not doing *anything*. So I'd like to be able to help him get dressed and such, even though he is plenty old enough to do it himself.

2. I made a cleaning schedule that doesn't require me to do too many things each day, and I kept in mind days that we are more busy than others. I also plan easier dinners for evenings that I know we will be busier. Like my son, pressure to do too many things in a small amount of time is a big stressor for me.

3. Visiting threads like these, reading other people's ideas/advice, and trying them out in my own life has been very helpful for me, too. There is a whole huge thread on Parenting and Rage in the Personal Growth forum, and there are so many good suggestions there.

4. And the #1 most helpful thing has been finding my mantra. When I get so overwhelmed and frustrated that I start feeling that "about to yell" feeling, I say this to myself: "Hard words are like hailstones in summer, beating down and destroying what they would nourish were they melted into drops." Keeping this metaphor in mind, I think of my words as either "hailstones" or "drops," and I try my hardest only to let "drops" come out of my mouth. I think finding an inspirational quote or mantra that will remind you what your goals are for your family or how you want your child to feel about you as a parent, is a great way to stop yourself when you are about to lose control.


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## J-Bean (Feb 3, 2007)

Perfect timing on this thread. I just jumped up and down, stomped my foot, and yelled this morning...all to get my 1.5 year old to stop screaming at the top of her lungs. Even though I know that if I would stop cooking, moving the laundry about as it cycles through, and picking up the darn house, she would stop screaming. It's such a gut reaction for me and it makes me so so sad whenever I do it (thankfully not too often). But as #2 is on the way this fall, I worry about my future as a tired, split between two kids, mom. My #1 guarantee to a bad easy-to-scream day: Being tired!
Thanks for hte great thoughts...and keep them coming. I'm especially curious to read an example script also that one of you mentioned. ANyone else have mantras they use? Such a good idea!


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## Lohagrace (Sep 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *J-Bean* 
Perfect timing on this thread. I just jumped up and down, stomped my foot, and yelled this morning...all to get my 1.5 year old to stop screaming at the top of her lungs. Even though I know that if I would stop cooking, moving the laundry about as it cycles through, and picking up the darn house, she would stop screaming. It's such a gut reaction for me and it makes me so so sad whenever I do it (thankfully not too often). But as #2 is on the way this fall, I worry about my future as a tired, split between two kids, mom. My #1 guarantee to a bad easy-to-scream day: Being tired!
Thanks for hte great thoughts...and keep them coming. I'm especially curious to read an example script also that one of you mentioned. ANyone else have mantras they use? Such a good idea!

i compile a list--i posted it here
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=618297
i add to it every once and awhile. a lot of it is from threads in the GD forum, and from other stuff. feel free to take what you want...or the whole thing!


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## nancyw (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lohagrace* 
i compile a list--i posted it here
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=618297
i add to it every once and awhile. a lot of it is from threads in the GD forum, and from other stuff. feel free to take what you want...or the whole thing!

this is WONDERFUL! Thank you for creating that post and for posting the link!!


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## mamatoady (Mar 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lisa49* 
H

Also, I try to whisper when I feel like yelling...try it, they actually listen!
Lisa

this is a great idea....I'm going to do this.
sarah


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lohagrace* 
i compile a list--i posted it here
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=618297
i add to it every once and awhile. a lot of it is from threads in the GD forum, and from other stuff. feel free to take what you want...or the whole thing!

Wow, thank you so much for posting that! I printed out the whole thing and plan on reading it as many times as necessary!


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## Lohagrace (Sep 21, 2006)

maybe my not-yelling strategy should just be "go to list and read it for one page at least". by then, i'm sure i will see something that calms me down. or i will have forgotten why i'm so mad


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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)

want to add to this... hang on, must help three year old. LOL


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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)

Okay. Back... he wanted his shoes off and his sister's pink boots on.

Day five of no yelling. I've done really super mega well. I'm really really proud of myself, if I do say so, lol.

Yesterday, I did explode at my daughter, but I calmed down and told her I was sorry for yelling. I told her why I lost my temper. I get infuriated when she says things like "I wish I had chocolate syrup on MY ice cream" to no one in particular. I had already had explained to her once yesterday why she should just say "Mama, may I have some chocolate syrup on my ice cream?"

Anyway, my five year old tested the heck outta me in the afternoon... and I just kept a running monologue out loud "This is frustrating me. I am not going to yell. I am the adult here. I will be kind and gentle and give Hunter time to tell me what he needs." it worked. It got me through.

And today, so far so good.

I did make a "vow" per se about not yelling, but at the same time, I don't expect perfection. If I do make it through the day without yelling, that's freakin' awesome.

Another trigger is when one of my kids yells at me... I have finally figured out an explanation to them as to why it makes me so mad... I tell them that when I get yelled at, it makes me feel like acting like an angry dog and I want to bark at them and growl (yell). So, instead of yelling at Mama, let's be respectful when we need something/want something and Mama will feel much more like Mama instead of an angry dog.







They got that and giggled at me when I pretended to be a dog. I'm pretty proud of myself for that.







:

I've also stopped getting involved in things like the computer. Although I'm on right now...they're occupied, BUT... I'm also more likely to get off, pause, whatever while I attend to something. I guess I don't get as involved in online stuff or I tell myself my kids will never be this VERY age ever again and the PC will always be there. Kinda puts things in perspective.

I'm not perfect at this, but I would like to find more balance between my kids' needs and my own. I am not going to allow myself to be a martyr or anything at the base of my childrens' needs. That's unfair to me and my children. However, many of my needs can be delayed a bit while I meet theirs. Remembering to eat is a big thing for me. I forgot again today b/c we were out and about.

Oh, another thing... I've consistently found that if I explain my expectations very clearly to my kids before we do something, it goes more smoothly. Today we went to a cemetary b/c my five year old wanted to see one (odd kiddo, I know, lol) and I clearly explained what we could and couldn't do at a cemetary. They did very well and were very respectful. All four of them (the younger four).

Gotta blaze... swim team in 15 minutes!!!


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## jaidymama (Jun 18, 2005)

I can identify with some of the things that you mentioned. Here's some things that I remember:

Take care of my own needs, get enough sleep and eat well. That way I am replenished and have something to give. Also, is your irritability related to your cycle? I have been taking an herbal supplement (Happy Camper) and extra B-vitamins because I've been under a lot of stress. I've also used Rescue Remedy, and some of the other Bach Florals depending on what combo I need that day. These have taken the edge off for me. Oh, and also try some chamomile or Kava tea... these can help your mindset. And of course, one more thing... I find that some days I feel run down or more on edge than usual, I double check that I've drank enough water or even more importantly... I sometimes don't realize when I have a headache right away.

Set my own boundaries. Ask yourself what is your responsibility/role in all of the chaos? I do my best to remember not to take on other people's stuff: their opinions, their problems etc. I know it is a little different for mom-kid stuff... although I think age appropriate responsibility helps sort things out in my mind.

Canned phrases!! Good suggestion... I really like coming to this GD forum because I just browse all the different threads to see what everyone is doing and SAYING. I often just recycle a lot of the same phrases because I know it's a good response--i don't have to keep recreating the wheel. These often shift me into a better space to work through the situation. I think language is a powerful tool, and I had read Nonviolent Communication--in the book it gives you a thought template (that's what I'm calling it) for which to frame your thoughts and responses.

Stop, drop and roll--well not exactly. But today I just had a bad day and it seemed to keep going... as if I was totally out of touch with my nice, level headed self. On my way home tonight I decided that under NO circumstances did I want to repeat the kind of day I had today. So I came up with this: If I find myself angry, frustrated and/or on the verge of yelling... I will immediately close my mouth, and stop what I am doing (I suppose the rolling on the floor could be a good stress reliever and the kids may burst out laughing!).

Take time to laugh and relax. My SIL has a similar family size and has a super busy schedule. At one point she decided to cut back a lot in their daily schedules. And for them, that made a huge difference in stress level for the kids and SIL.

You had mentioned your expectations of your kids... and it must be stressful to be responsible for all those kids at such different developmental ages... all requiring different things from you.

I am inspired by your effort, and plan to make a similar vow.


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## jaidymama (Jun 18, 2005)

Oops another BIGGIE... is to plan ahead and be prepared.

Other than that, I think it's good to keep refreshing myself with GD principles. Check out resources at Attachment Parenting International...
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/idealschindex.shtml
And also, try browsing the Natural Child Project. http://www.naturalchild.org/

Oh, I did want to say that I hope I'm not sounding like I'm preaching etc Because I identify with the things you struggle with, and it seems I am reminding myself of things that I want to do as I'm typing.


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## jaidymama (Jun 18, 2005)

I have read this before, and reread it tonight. I think it's a great idea and even simple... a relief really.

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/ginger_carlson.html

Here's an excerpt:

" You can't please everyone all the time: If you are a parent of siblings, surely you know that the adage "you can't please everyone all of the time" rings true. Consider what my friend and her husband do every year. While juggling the schedules of their two children, they plan what their family calls "yes trips." These trips offer one-on-one time with mom or dad, without a sibling to compete with. They spend the specified date doing only what the child wants to do: going to the beach, stopping for a hike or at a lookout on the way, eating when and where their child wants to. My friend says, "These 'yes days' have been a reminder that even though we are a unit, we are all individuals. We need to take the time to work on each individual relationship, because the pieces add up to more than the whole."


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## ckc0602 (Mar 9, 2002)

I came to the forums tonight specifically looking for help in controlling my temper. How relieved I was to have found this thread. Just knowing you're not the only person in the world who struggles with controlling your own outrages is a huge burden lifted in itself. It's so frustrating when you know you love your children and then you treat them like that and feel awful for do it - yelling, stomping your feet, being verbally demeaning or hurtful. I beat myself up for it. I thank everyone who has replied for their useful comments and general support not only for the original poster but for all of us who struggle on a day to day basis just to keep it together.

There is one thing I have used with my 4 yo when she was younger and I would lose my temper. After I calmed down, I would tell her I'm sorry and that I need to try harder not to treat her like that, but she could help mommy by trying not to do whatever it was that she did, like hit her sister or yell demands at me or whatever it was. I would tell her we can both try to be better people and treat each other nicer. She always responded quite well to this. I think I've forgotten about this with my 2 yo. She's much more rambunctious than her sister and she tests my patience much more than my oldest child did. Sometimes I think it's because I haven't been as calm and gentle with her. I will have to tell her the same thing about mommy needs to try to be a better person. We're excited about expecting #3 and I hope I can keep being the normal easygoing, calm person that I usually am. It's extremely frustrating to see yourself act in a way that is so disagreeable and disrespectful especially to your own innocent children. However, it's comforting to know you're not alone in this. Yes, parenting is hard but it is also wonderful and joyous. Remember that.


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoodWillHunter* 
.... Maybe now I can be less of a yeller and more of a supporter since there's a real cause for his actions (or inactions as it were)....

I think this is key. Why would you only support your kid if a doctor said there was a reason for his behavior? There is ALWAYS a real cause for a kid's behavior, even if it isn't in the DSM-IV.

I am a yeller too. The key for me is to stop, breathe, remember that there is a REASON for whatever is being said or done (or not done).

Then I try to figure out the reason, rather than respond to the behavior itself.

I don't always do this, LOL. I still yell sometimes. But I am better than I once was.


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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)

Quote:

Why would you only support your kid if a doctor said there was a reason for his behavior?
I am very thin skinned, so I do feel hurt by this particular phrase. It's easier for me to understand his behavior than in the past. Just like it was easier for me to understand why my youngest cried non stop as a babe... he had reflux and he was in pain.

I _always_ support my kids... but there's a lot more to this situation than what I've put out there for public consumption.


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## jaidymama (Jun 18, 2005)

GWH--I know what you're saying about being able to put certain behaviors into context due to a health issue, etc. It doesn't necessarily make it easier to handle; for me though I think my frame of mind changes and somehow I end up having even more patience or maybe a better way to handle the challenge.

Anyways, I hope things are going well for you.


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## nancy926 (Mar 10, 2003)

GWH, i certainly did not mean to hurt you. I apologize for that.

I'm sure it may be easier to understand behavior once it's tied to a medical condition. I was just saying that ALL behavior has a reason. I know that I tend to yell when I don't understand the reason or don't think there "should" be a reason, even though there is. Realizing that my kids always have a reason for what they are doing -- even if I can't fathom it -- helps me to calm down and take their behavior less personally.

Good thoughts your way on your situation.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

There is so much in this thread that I agree and identify with.









I too find it very difficult to control my temper when I don't get enough sleep or when some of my basic needs are not met (eating, exercise, sleep, time for self, time with dh, fun and not always working). Also things like being kicked/hit/yelled at are triggers.

So when dd wants me to read to her NOW or play NOW and I need to eat my dinner after I've come home, I tell her, "Mommy needs to eat or Mommy will be grumpy! GRRRR! [insert claw-like hand gestures, teeth baring, etc -- this makes dd laugh] I'll play with you after I eat." And if she forgets and asks me again while I'm eating I'll say, "Remember what I said? What happens if Mommy doesn't eat?" and dd says, "GRRR!" [imitating growling, claws, etc.] Then we have a good laugh and she goes back to playing until I'm done. This seems to help.

On some days when I'm just being a crab and have difficulty controlling it, I too will apologize to dd, tell her I know I'm being rather grumpy today, and I'll try to be nicer, more patient, speak more nicely, etc. She hugs me around the neck and kisses me.









GWH - you mentioned doing something that was rather playful when you felt angry and/or were trying to diffuse a situation. I too have found that helpful. Just picked up Playful Parenting by Laurence J. Cohen. Lots of great ideas in there for when I feel frustrated at my child not doing what I want to do when I want her to do it!









That's all for now. I'm tired and had more to say but it's gone....
















s Thanks to this great thread and the link/list for mantras, etc.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

Oh yes, GWH, I also wanted to say that I understand what you were saying about being able to accept the behaviour more once it is understood....... dd cried a lot the first 1-1.5 yrs of her life and I could not understand why....... she was very healthy etc and I attributed it to myself, I was doing something wrong, I was a bad mother, etc. Had I known a *reason* as to WHY she was crying, that would have helped.







s to you and your family


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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)

EEK! Temper tantrum by a five year old. And I'm in pain today. very hard to be kind when I'm already in pain, yk? still, i'm ignoring it. he wants some of a italian soda. and it's just not the right time.


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## Unreal (Dec 15, 2002)

Oh I'm sorry GWH









any chance you have seltzer water and juice that you can give him instead?
My kids *love* watching it fizzzzzzzzzzzzz

or heck...can you distract him with some cornstarch and water in a bowl and let him play with that?









You know, just get the email updates from this thread have been a HUGE help...
It is like a gentle reminder throughout the day to try not to yell.

So we have to keep this thread alive till my kids are 18 or so...
only another 17 years.
We can do that, right?


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## kindacrunchy (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Unreal* 
my take on it isn't that I am failing the kids..its that I'm failing myself.

I have yet to figure out how to get what *I* need so I can be mentally sane.

I spend all day TRYING to get time alone, so I never appreciate the time with the kids.
and I find myself really resenting their intrusions









When I know...if i just got 8 hours of sleep...and if I ate real meals....and I got 30 minutes a day to exercise away from the kids, I'd be fine and ready to handle them.

The overtired really gets me...since then I have coffee to function and that starts me off on edge, kwim?

and I sit here and *know* this

















That is definitely me. I started paying attention to what my triggers are and when I get a bad night's sleep or my kids do, or I'm hungry and I need to eat I start to panic because I know they are triggers and then I'm on edge anyway.


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## singin'intherain (Feb 4, 2006)

I really needed this thread! I yell when I'm stressed, when I'm overwhelmed. My four kiddos know it, and I swear they push my panic buttons on purpose sometimes. If I lash out, if I'm tired or grouchy, they tune right in and start going crazy. I guess it's just that my stress raises everyone's stress levels.

My biggest trigger to start yelling is when I feel I "should" be allowed to do something without being interrupted. I am naturally goal oriented and hate interruptions (so I decided to have four kids- good plan for someone who doesn't want to lose her cool very often!). The days when I need to respond every five minutes are hell for me. I will be yelling all day long.

Another big one- getting ready to go. Or getting the kids to go through their morning routine, a similar situation. I have to follow all four kids around, keeping each one doing the next thing, and the next thing. Is this normal? Will they ever just do things on their own?

When I ask 5yo ds to pick up toys and he flops on the couch and starts yelling, "no! I'm never doing that! I'm taking all my toys out and dumping them all over the floor!" etc etc

When my 4yo ds starts threatening, hitting, kicking, or god forbid, biting.

When my 8yo dd screams at her brothers and I have to physically force her away from them.

When my 2yo dd wants me to spend 15 minutes playing a passive aggressive clothes game where she insists I pick out her clothes but nothing I pick is right and I don't want her to scream at me so I keep playing.

My dh yells ALOT. Yelling is the only parenting trick he has up his sleeve. If I reform myself, I am soon yelling at him, because I can't be as unaware of how awful he sounds. Isn't that dumb? I do find it very very hard to rise above that prevailing level of parenting, though. Anyone else struggle with that?

I like the idea of setting a "no yelling all day" goal for myself (see, I told you I was goal oriented!). It's like I know the tricks, but I don't have a standard to hold myself to. It's so easy to get distracted and just try to muddle through the day.


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## Lohagrace (Sep 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *singin'intherain* 
My biggest trigger to start yelling is when I feel I "should" be allowed to do something without being interrupted. I am naturally goal oriented and hate interruptions (so I decided to have four kids- good plan for someone who doesn't want to lose her cool very often!). The days when I need to respond every five minutes are hell for me. I will be yelling all day long.

Another big one- getting ready to go. Or getting the kids to go through their morning routine, a similar situation. I have to follow all four kids around, keeping each one doing the next thing, and the next thing. Is this normal? Will they ever just do things on their own?

When I ask 5yo ds to pick up toys and he flops on the couch and starts yelling, "no! I'm never doing that! I'm taking all my toys out and dumping them all over the floor!" etc etc

When my 4yo ds starts threatening, hitting, kicking, or god forbid, biting.

When my 8yo dd screams at her brothers and I have to physically force her away from them.

When my 2yo dd wants me to spend 15 minutes playing a passive aggressive clothes game where she insists I pick out her clothes but nothing I pick is right and I don't want her to scream at me so I keep playing.

My dh yells ALOT. Yelling is the only parenting trick he has up his sleeve. If I reform myself, I am soon yelling at him, because I can't be as unaware of how awful he sounds. Isn't that dumb? I do find it very very hard to rise above that prevailing level of parenting, though. Anyone else struggle with that?


Your post really sounds similar to the way i feel sometimes, although lately we have been having some very good days--no yelling and lots of connection, it seems (the two seem to go hand in hand) so i'm happy about that.

I relate to what you are saying about feeling you "should" be able to do something. then when you are interrupted, you get frustrated and mad. i try to keep this in mind when i start something, because i am also like you-- goal oriented. when i start something, be it dishes or organizing photos from the past 3 years, i want to do it and get it done. if i get interrupted, i feel disorganized and flustered and mad. so if i know i will not be able to get something done, i can either not do it until dh is home (and can run interference until its done) or i will just tell myself "i can start this, and if it doesn't get done, that's ok. i will just do it in chunks". it seems like if i anticipate that, or if i anticipate ANY annoying behavior, i am a lot calmer about it. like "this am, dd is not going to want to get dressed for school because she is too busy with her playdough." that kind of helps me mentally prepare to be calm in handling the situation, instead of feeling blindsided. like "i'm going to wash dishes now, but the baby will probably wake up and i will have to help dd with her paint, so i won't get it done." this kind of mental forecasting helps me stay calm for some reason. that way i don't feel like "ahhhhhh! all i want to do IS THIS ONE THING! leave me alone!" i am angriest when i feel like i have a *right* to do something and the kids interfere.

as for the dh thing, mine does things i don't like. but for now i refrain from getting all over him about it (he has read some books, and we talk about things) because i am faaaaaaaaaaar from a perfect parent. the more i model, i think the better he will get. since i am with them more, i am working on it hard for myself. i feel like an idiot giving him advice 'be calm! don't yell!" when i do it myself, kwim? if i don't do it anymore and have good tricks, it will be easier to talk to him about it. also, it sets the tone for your whole house when you can be calm and model a good way to deal with stress/conflict. once he was yelling and i was like "dont yell at her!" and he was like "you do it!" which i said was totally unfair because i am with them ALL day long. some days he is pissed at her 5 minutes after getting home







: so that does kind of annoy me.


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## Unreal (Dec 15, 2002)

I *really* hate when the mommy-guilt kicks in and I'm reminded that the kids didn't ASK to be born into this...
WE made the choice to have the kids.
WE made them part of the family.

trying to find the balance between *Lauren's Mental and Physical Space* and being _Mommmmmmmmmmy_ and needed constantly is so hard.

I know I could step away from the computer and get a lot more done...
But dangit--everyone else in the house gets their time to do what they want.
I should get some for me too, shouldn't I??

But if the house were clean, I would feel so much better....

But if I start, I'm just going to be interrupted....

And if I'm interrupted, I'm going to be grumpy.....

so I'll just sit here at MDC instead.

Hello.
My Name is Lauren.
And I'm an MDC Addict.

It enables my escapism
because I can't face a half done/imperfectly done job.

Failure avoidance is my friend.









Seriously though--
each step of this that I realize here is a reminder of keeping it cool with the kids.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

The "shoulds" get me too. And when I see friends who have a spotless house, freshly cooked delicious food when I come over, and they seem so put together, etc. I feel like !>@#$#!%$!^%$#^$^! Why can't I do that too?







I hate comparisons. Not helpful.

It does help to be able to say, "I don't *have to* do this *right now*, it can wait, etc."







s Mamas


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