# At peace



## Moonprysm (Jun 2, 2006)

I thought I would share this, in case anyone else could benefit from it. Maybe realize that their child's life held a similar meaning. C&P from my blog.

I've been writing so much at so many different boards that I'm on I can't remember what I've written where, so if you've heard any of this before, bear with me.

While talking to Barbara (my yoga teacher) the other day, I discovered the purpose of my baby's life, and it's amazing, really. Wes and I had always planned that our first girl would be named Hope. Well, that decision was made because I assumed that Xander would be a girl (I've always seen myself having a girl first). And the first baby born after several miscarriages, Hope just made sense. Our second girl was to be Faith.

From the beginning, I told Wes that this was not Hope, but Faith. And boy did she live up to her name.

I have to trust my body. That's what this whole pregnancy was about. It was the reason for Faith being with us for only such a short time this time. She needed me to learn first. Learn to trust myself.

I KNEW that I was pregnant, but I'm always so afraid of being wrong that I didn't tell anyone. I feel like the second I put it into words, I was going to start my period and then I would be wrong and obviously my intuition didn't work if I was wrong, right? It was the same thing when I was pregnant with Xander.

I knew something wasn't right. I never connected with Faith. Other than knowing that it was Faith, not Hope, I didn't get anything from her at all. No energy. No peace. Nothing.

I had the dreams before I found out I was pregnant about waking up in a pool of blood.

I insisted on having an ultrasound Friday, despite being scheduled with my midwife's OB for Monday. I had a dream Thursday night that, during the ultrasound, the baby was only 5w7d and dead. The sac was 5w4d and the baby had already been reabsorbed by my body. I was 3 days off in when my baby passed away.

And that is why I haven't cried much. It's why, when I saw the blood that started this morning, and then the tissue that came a little bit this morning and quite a bit more tonight, I was happy, not sad. Because I believe I have learned my lesson. I will trust my body. Because Faith gave me that knowledge, not only that my intuition is stronger than I give it credit for, but that it's okay to be wrong now and then, too.

I feel so much peace. I'm ready to begin again. And my child did not die in vain, because I learned what she came here to teach me.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Tiffani, that is lovely. I am so glad you are at peace. And I think Faith is the perfect name too.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

wow







may your wait be short


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## flapjack (Mar 15, 2005)

Tiffani. I had a similar journey too, but I don't want to hijack your thread. All I will say is that it took that trust, and then a newfound respect for the miracle of life, and then superbaby came to live in my tummy. I'm 30 weeks now, and starting to believe that sometimes pregnancies actually result in babies (freaky thought, right?)


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