# rude children at the playground



## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

today me and 2 y/o ds spent an hour at the playground. Three girls (I believe they were around 4 y/o) started to pick on ds, screaming at him, trying to intimidate him, running from him (not that ds was following them, they were just playing on the same jungle gym), one of the girls even said to another one that she wants to hurt him. Ds didn't understand what they were saying, he was playing happily by himself. I tried to tell the girls to leave him alone and that he just wants to play but they didn't stop.
What would you do in such a situation?
Finally, I couldn't handle any more, the girls became more aggressive, getting into his face and yelling at him so we left. Ds was devastated, he still wanted to play.
The moms of the three girls were sitting on their behinds and happily chatting not too far from the jungle gym.
I just told them, "Do you even HEAR what your children say?".
I hate confrontations...


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

Gosh, I have never heard a child say something like that. I'm sorry that they ruined your day at the park.

I don't think there is much else you can do,other than protect your child as you did.

I know some children are unsure of how to react/interact with a young child, so they push or play chase type games but to actually say that they wanted to hurt him, well, it scares me!

I doubt that the mom's would have even talked to the child even if you had approached them.

That is all I can come up with. *hugs* to you momma!


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## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

Im shocked too! My dd is 4 and she is always kind to other kids at the playground especially the littler ones. I just can't imagine them saying/doing that! Obviously there are some lacking parenting issues going on-thats all i can think of. Children aren't born like that its learned behaviour..imo...


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## jackson'smama (May 14, 2005)

hugs to you! i have no advice - just wanted to tell you I was in the same boat today - AND THIS WAS WITH A KID I KNOW! twice this week, we've been around him (6 year old) and my son is 2.5 years. He yells at him, complains that my son doesn't "follow the rules" of whatever game he THINKS they're playing, and then trying today to keep him off every single piece of playground equipment available. i finally just said (when he kept saying no to everything ds tried to do...), "sorry *kid's name*, but this is what he wants to do right now and you need to leave him alone if you don't want to play with him." i guess i just spoke for my son and said what i thought he might say if he could express himself in that way.
i know what you mean about confronting the moms...i'd have a hard time of that too.


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## mlec (May 29, 2005)

Awful! I'm really shocked such young children would show such malice to a toddler. And pardon the stereotype, but where I am, Canadians have a reputation for being so nice.

Sounds like those girls need some help. I don't know what I would have done under the circumstances. Probably the Mama-bear would emerge and scold them, and then go yell at their moms.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

How horrible.









In those situations I tell the child in a firm tone what I want from them. Something like, "No, it is not okay to xyz. You are scaring him. If you want to play near us you must abc (give him space/share the toys/speak nicely to him/stop bullying him."

In a situation like this I would be very firm and clear and probably use a disapproving schoolmarm tone.

If they ignored me, I would go get the mothers and tell them exactly what is going on. If they seem to require direction re: how to intervene, I might say something like, "Your children are crowding my son on purpose and the one is saying she wants to hurt him. If they are going to continue to play near him they need to be gentle."

I've never had an experience at the park where something clearly not okay was happening and either the children didn't listen to me or the parents didn't intervene with them. I find being assertive is a really good strategy.

Good luck to you!


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

I'm one of 'those' moms. I'm the mom who, if a kid is running in a crowded playground, I am the one to say, "Hey kiddo, let's slow down and keep it safe for everyone."

I'm the mom who will intervene when two kids are fighting and no adult is coming to respond.

I'm the mom who... in your situation, would have told those girls to leave my baby alone and go play somewhere else. In very firm language with direct eye contact. What are they going to do, tell their mothers?







Seriously... the mother comes over and gets mad and all you have to say is, I'm protecting my child from a situation that was escalating, and I'm glad that _I_ was watching or my son might have been hurt. And then walk away.









Jeez... I am dealing with some neighbor issues, with this 12yo boy who targets my 9yo. It's very difficult.


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## RedWine (Sep 26, 2003)

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Just yesterday a boy that had been happily playing with my daughter all of a sudden starting becoming very intimidating and aggressive. His father was right there and didn't do anything, so I physically put myself between him and my daughter. My daughter wanted to play in a certain area, and he was trying to physically push her out of it with his body (not his hands). Once I put myself between them, he stopped.

Last year we were at a water park and one girl was VERY rude and mean to my daughter. My daughter came up and said, Hi, and the girl started teasing her and calling her names. Her mother was right there and did nothing, so I started telling this girl very firmly to cut it out. Her mother then intervened, saying her daughter wasn'y doing anything. We got into it, and nothing productive came of the situation.

Sometimes the parents are clueless -- or worrse, they just don't care. Then it's either a) leave, b) physically put yourself between the kids, or c) confront and have nothing useful come of it, and then have to leave anyway.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

We've run into other kids trying to not let my ds on the play equipment. I always just stay very close and firmly state that the play equipment is for everyone and he is allowed to be there. The yelling at your ds is a little trickier. Usually the other kids give us more space after my assertion of my ds' rights. I might ignore it if it isn't bothering ds. I might say firmly "you may shout at your friends, not at my son". I might ask the mother to intervene, or I might just leave.


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RedWine* 
Sometimes the parents are clueless -- or worrse, they just don't care. Then it's either a) leave, b) physically put yourself between the kids, or c) confront and have nothing useful come of it, and then have to leave anyway.









That's exactly what I think would happen, so I usually just leave but not without saying something to the kids and the parents first. i.e. "Your children are being rude to my child and because of that we have to leave."


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Do you really think a group of 4 year olds would not listen to you? I find children listen really well to stranger-mamas in the park.

Just two days ago I spoke to a group of 6 yr old (approx) boys who had caught a toad and were running and holding it upside down. I find they are surprised to be spoken to by another adult so they stop and listen. I explained that the toad looked really frightened and suggested they go put it back where they found it so it could be happy again, and they could watch it jumping and enjoy it that way.

They nodded and agreed and did exactly as I suggested.

I have many times intervened with other people's children in the park, and I find they have always listened to me. If they did not I would go get their mothers. I would NOT leave, at least not until I spoke with the children and parents and tried to change the situation.


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## greeny (Apr 27, 2007)

Here's what I do:

1) Gently ask the "misbehaving" child to stop. In that case I probably would have said something like, "I know you guys are just playing, but you're scaring ds and hurting his feelings. Please stop."

2) If they didn't stop, I'd approach their moms and say something like, "Hi. I'm sorry to bother you, but your girl(s) are giving my son a hard time by teasing him. I know they're just playing, but it's hurting his feelings and intimidating him."

I've NEVER had a situation continue after all that, and I've never had another parent be mad or weird with me for "telling on" their children to them. In fact, most times I don't even have to approach the parents - the kids are generally fine with stopping if I just ask.


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## Tuesday (Mar 3, 2003)

What would I do? I would have gently intervened and redirected the girls. I've been in your shoes with my DS at age 2 and I gently directed the older kids. If there have been occasions where a child was doing something I perceived as dangerous (like running and swatting sticks in people's faces or throwing rocks), I have brought this action to the adult's attention and also removed my own DS from the situation. My boys are almost 4 and 10 months old and many times I do leave a playground because of a situation that is making my child or myself uncomfortable.

I must add that I have tried to apply GD and attachment parenting most of my parenting life. My son is almost 4 years old and he's been a very sensitive, high needs moody child since the day he was born. In the last month or so, he's starting saying things like "I'll hurt you" or "I want to hurt him" or his favourite is, "I want to put him in the garbage". He says these words at the drop of the hat. I recall hearing about other kids saying these sorts of phrases and was shocked. Now my son is doing it. I've no clue where he picked this up since we don't watch t.v., he reads incessantly and the books we choose are wonderful. My husband and I don't say "I'm going to hurt you" and he doesn't attend pre-school nor does he even have play-dates! My own theory is this is his phrase for expressing anxiety. He has a speech delay and I think he's a bit socially delayed and I've seen him strike out verbally and physically when he seems to be uncomfortable or anxious. Obviously, this is not acceptable but this is what is happening and we're working to change this behaviour.

I'm just offering this insight because perhaps it will make it a bit easier to intervene if you encounter this sort of thing again. I really find it upsetting when my son gets aggressive. He's either very shy or he gets a little hyper. Lately I notice when he feels threatened he adopts a "trash mouth" as my husband calls it and says, "I'm going to hurt ..." whoever or whatever seems to be making him feel uncomfortable.

So, perhaps if one of those children were using those phrases, it was not so much about that child targetting your son but rather they were acting out their own anxieties?

Perhaps it was not a situation similar to what I'm seeing happening with my own son but I thought I'd offer this opinion.

I should say, I"m not usually worried about confrontations and I do know that I'd much rather another mother approach me and say, "hey, your son is saying this ... " rather than someone getting ticked off at my son (and me) and not saying a word. I'm actually very upset and embarrassed and worried for my little boy and am lately approaching many social interactions with a bit of anxiety, wondering what he's going to do. So, if a mom like you approached me I'd probably be relieved - I'd like someone to chat with and help me quell my anxieties. Perhaps next time you might point out the child's behaviour to the mom - perhaps she'd like to know too so she could help guide her daughter. Perhaps she was so busy enjoying a rare moment of adult conversation, she completely lost track?

Anyway, I hope your next visit to the playground is better! Sorry I've made this so personal but I thought I'd offer this viewpoint to help soften your anger or frustation? It's hard to confront people sometimes but it might turn out to be a learning experience for the 4 year olds and their moms. I know I'm eager to have adults (especially strangers) approach my son - he almost always responds positively to them and alters his negative behaviour. And later, when we're at home, he often repeats what the stranger has said and chats about the event so I know the confrontation has been meaningful!


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Thank you all for your replies, it really means a lot to me, I was very sad yesterday.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *thismama* 
Do you really think a group of 4 year olds would not listen to you? I find children listen really well to stranger-mamas in the park.

They did NOT listen to me. Probably because I look young and I have a soft voice, I'm not an authoritative figure at all. I tried a couple of times, they stopped for several minutes and started again.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tuesday* 

So, perhaps if one of those children were using those phrases, it was not so much about that child targetting your son but rather they were acting out their own anxieties?

Perhaps it was not a situation similar to what I'm seeing happening with my own son but I thought I'd offer this opinion.

I should say, I"m not usually worried about confrontations and I do know that I'd much rather another mother approach me and say, "hey, your son is saying this ... " rather than someone getting ticked off at my son (and me) and not saying a word. I'm actually very upset and embarrassed and worried for my little boy and am lately approaching many social interactions with a bit of anxiety, wondering what he's going to do. So, if a mom like you approached me I'd probably be relieved - I'd like someone to chat with and help me quell my anxieties. Perhaps next time you might point out the child's behaviour to the mom - perhaps she'd like to know too so she could help guide her daughter. Perhaps she was so busy enjoying a rare moment of adult conversation, she completely lost track?

I'm sure the children didn't act like that because they were mean; maybe it was a combination of not knowing how to interact and a lack of proper supervision. I just didn't want to be the one who had to deal with them. And the moms were hearing them, they were screaming really loud. But thank you for answering from another perspective.


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## transylvania_mom (Oct 8, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mlec* 
Awful! I'm really shocked such young children would show such malice to a toddler. And pardon the stereotype, but where I am, Canadians have a reputation for being so nice.


Here too! That's why I was a little shocked.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamachandi* 
Im shocked too! My dd is 4 and she is always kind to other kids at the playground especially the littler ones. I just can't imagine them saying/doing that! Obviously there are some lacking parenting issues going on-thats all i can think of. Children aren't born like that its learned behaviour..imo...

I could see my dd doing something like that, especially if she were with friends and they were egging each other long. Of course it's learned behavior, almost all behavior is. That doesn't mean they're future psychopaths, or that their parents are not doing a great job.

I agree, I think looking them in the eye and firmly telling them to stop would be the first step, and then maybe you could politely point out to their mothers what they were doing. They probably hadn't noticed.


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## newmommy (Sep 15, 2003)

How do you some of you know *who* the Moms are or *who* these kids belong to?

DS and I go to 2 types of playground- Outside (fenced in) with a jungle gym type thing and the one inside our local Mall.

The local mall is always crowded...especially on hot days and it's impossible to tell who's Kid is who's so I have yet to figure that out.

OP-I just pick up DS and leave because these are not your average, normal 4 or 5 or 6 year olds







Some of the kids I've been dealing with have menacing qualities about them so they aren't going to listen to a word I say.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

Tuesday said:


> I must add that I have tried to apply GD and attachment parenting most of my parenting life. My son is almost 4 years old and he's been a very sensitive, high needs moody child since the day he was born. In the last month or so, he's starting saying things like "I'll hurt you" or "I want to hurt him" or his favourite is, "I want to put him in the garbage". He says these words at the drop of the hat. I recall hearing about other kids saying these sorts of phrases and was shocked. Now my son is doing it. I've no clue where he picked this up since we don't watch t.v., he reads incessantly and the books we choose are wonderful. My husband and I don't say "I'm going to hurt you" and he doesn't attend pre-school nor does he even have play-dates! My own theory is this is his phrase for expressing anxiety. He has a speech delay and I think he's a bit socially delayed and I've seen him strike out verbally and physically when he seems to be uncomfortable or anxious. Obviously, this is not acceptable but this is what is happening and we're working to change this behaviour.
> QUOTE]
> 
> Interesting.
> ...


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## guest^ (Oct 29, 2002)

ITA with thismama!

No, I may not *want* to have a confrontation, but our parks are for everyone, and I refuse to be bullied by other dc or their lame parents. My dc have every right to play in peace, working out little conflicts as they come. If I need to step in, then I do it. Think about what is being learned here....leaving angrily and resentful without trying to initiate any resolution is not a good example for my dc IMHO.

I have been in similiar sits, and after one try of being nicey, I probably come across as a complete B. to both the dc and their parents. Sometimes you just have to put on your B. hat and stick to your guns. But that is just me. I live my life not letting(within my limitations) evil prevail over good.

That said, I am so sorry you had to deal with this. Park and public sits can really mess up ones day.

mp


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