# Why must people ask, "what's wrong?" (and why do teachers get to tell me how to treat my child?)



## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Ugh. I just got back from dropping DS off at preschool and I'm a little annoyed. DS was all ready for school, but when we got there, he got upset that he hadn't worn his "carpenter jacket" because Daddy was going to pick him up and now they wouldn't match. I explained that I wish he had told me that at home, because we were already at school, but if it was that important, I would make sure the jacket was at school for when Daddy picked him up (it wasn't a big deal for me to run it there and he was really beside himself about it). So, he still had some tears on his lashes when we got to the classroom. Well, the darn teacher has to go and ask "what's wrong?" Ugh! Just set him off again, why don't you? (I stupidly mentioned to the teacher that he was upset about his jacket, more on that later) So then he starts hiding behind my legs and acting all weird, until another little boy arrived for class and then my son got distracted by his friend arriving and snapped out of it.

SO, then I head home to get the jacket and my mom calls. She says she's heading that way anyway, she can take the jacket in. So, she does. She happens to run into DS's teacher in the hall who says that bringing the jacket in is "causing a problem". Lucky for me, my mom ignored her, left the jacket on the hook, and walked out. Hey teacher, if I tell my son his other jacket will be there, it will be there. I don't really care if you think I shouldn't have brought it (or had my mom drop it off). I know my kid better than you do, so back off!

Ugh. That made me feel better. Sorry for the disjointed rambling, but I had to get it out there. Thanks!


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## gsd1amommy (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
Ugh. I just got back from dropping DS off at preschool and I'm a little annoyed. DS was all ready for school, but when we got there, he got upset that he hadn't worn his "carpenter jacket" because Daddy was going to pick him up and now they wouldn't match. I explained that I wish he had told me that at home, because we were already at school, but if it was that important, I would make sure the jacket was at school for when Daddy picked him up (it wasn't a big deal for me to run it there and he was really beside himself about it). So, he still had some tears on his lashes when we got to the classroom. Well, the darn teacher has to go and ask "what's wrong?" Ugh! Just set him off again, why don't you? (I stupidly mentioned to the teacher that he was upset about his jacket, more on that later) So then he starts hiding behind my legs and acting all weird, until another little boy arrived for class and then my son got distracted by his friend arriving and snapped out of it.

SO, then I head home to get the jacket and my mom calls. She says she's heading that way anyway, she can take the jacket in. So, she does. She happens to run into DS's teacher in the hall who says that bringing the jacket in is "causing a problem". Lucky for me, my mom ignored her, left the jacket on the hook, and walked out. Hey teacher, if I tell my son his other jacket will be there, it will be there. I don't really care if you think I shouldn't have brought it (or had my mom drop it off). I know my kid better than you do, so back off!

Ugh. That made me feel better. Sorry for the disjointed rambling, but I had to get it out there. Thanks!

...because I am assuming that the teacher you are entrusting to care for your son actually cares about him and genuinely wanted to know why he was crying and if there was something she could do to help him navigate his day.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

I don't think a teacher should tell you how to treat your child, but I don't see anything untoward about someone about to take over the care of your child asking why they are crying. It may be nothing, but it could be quite relevant for them.

I like to know what is going on with the kids in my home daycare, because it helps me understand what is going on with them. If they are having a wild morning and I don't know what has gone on at home, it can be pretty challenging. But if I know they didn't sleep well, I can put them down for an early nap.... if they didn't eat much breakfast I can offer a snack, etc. etc.

It has to come from a place of mutual respect though. I don't tell my parents how to parent, and they don't tell me how to care for the kids during the day. But we all appreciate the status reports so we can effectively care for the children.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

I do want them to care about him, but I don't like when I'm already dealing with the tears and trying to distract or redirect him and then someone chimes in with "what's wrong" and he gets all mired down in the tears again.







: My son is super-sensitive, so I'm guessing maybe other kids don't get quite so distressed when asked what's wrong.

And, I just didn't appreciate the teacher's judgement on my decision to bring him his other jacket. It just wasn't up to her.







: I can be pretty sensitive sometimes, too. Can you tell!


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

When there is something random and unpredictable that tends to set DS off for a while, sometimes I tell his daycare teachers something like, "would you mind saying 'what's up?' instead of 'what's wrong?' Saying 'what's wrong' seems to upset him." They never seem to mind that. They know that little kids have odd quirks.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

From a teacher's perspective, I usually ask the children, "What's up?", "How are you today?", or "What's wrong?" as a matter of greeting. I find that totally normal, and in no way wrong.

Perhaps you could have mentioned something to the teacher to avert this particular question on this particular morning for this particular reason.

So, her morning question was totally right, IMHO.

HOWEVER, her afternoon response to you (or your mom) bringing a jacket up was totally uncalled for, again IMHO. If that had been me and my child, I would have been very angry for her attempting to make me a liar to my child, no matter what she thought. If I tell my child I will do something, I am going to do my best to do it.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
When there is something random and unpredictable that tends to set DS off for a while, sometimes I tell his daycare teachers something like, "would you mind saying 'what's up?' instead of 'what's wrong?' Saying 'what's wrong' seems to upset him." They never seem to mind that. They know that little kids have odd quirks.

Cross posted.

Seems that the teacher should have known, if she had been told before. And she should know your son well enough, if she is a regular teacher.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

It wasn't clear to me from the OP that the teacher has been told before. Maybe I missed that.


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## gsd1amommy (Apr 6, 2007)

Perhaps the problem it is causing is that your son is just getting all stirred up about again and she is the one left to deal with all the crying and fussing. You said he was fine when you left, had gone on to play with his friend so perhaps she just thought it better to not stir it all up again. There is no reason it couldn't be left in the office until closer to the school day being done and let them know if he asks for it is there or even having your husband pick it up from the office on his way in to pick up your son.
I just fail to see what she has done wrong and why you feel so slighted.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
Perhaps the problem it is causing is that your son is just getting all stirred up about again and she is the one left to deal with all the crying and fussing. You said he was fine when you left, had gone on to play with his friend so perhaps she just thought it better to not stir it all up again. There is no reason it couldn't be left in the office until closer to the school day being done and let them know if he asks for it is there or even having your husband pick it up from the office on his way in to pick up your son.
I just fail to see what she has done wrong and why you feel so slighted.

This is exactly what I was thinking.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
Perhaps the problem it is causing is that your son is just getting all stirred up about again and she is the one left to deal with all the crying and fussing. You said he was fine when you left, had gone on to play with his friend so perhaps she just thought it better to not stir it all up again. There is no reason it couldn't be left in the office until closer to the school day being done and let them know if he asks for it is there or even having your husband pick it up from the office on his way in to pick up your son.
I just fail to see what she has done wrong and why you feel so slighted.

I kinda got the impression that the hooks were beside the door and she simply put the jacket on the hook and left, not causing any problem. If this were the case, then she was not stirring him up again.

However, if this were not the case, and she was getting him upset again, I could see it. Then, it would have been more appropriate for her to pass the jacket off to the teacher or someone else so she was not seen.


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## AniellasMommy (Aug 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
And, I just didn't appreciate the teacher's judgement on my decision to bring him his other jacket. It just wasn't up to her.







: I can be pretty sensitive sometimes, too. Can you tell!









This is what would have bugged me about it. He's your child and its almost condescending that she would comment about it and draw _even more_ attention to the problem (which was already solved by grandma bringing in the jacket) I don't think that is being too sensitive.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AniellasMommy* 
This is what would have bugged me about it. He's your child and its almost condescending that she would comment about it and draw _even more_ attention to the problem (which was already solved by grandma bringing in the jacket) I don't think that is being too sensitive.

I head this as the teacher was concerned that the jacket would again upset her son like it had earlier. The simple solution would have been to leave the jacket in the office and have someone bring it down to the classroom later in the day. perhaps the teacher was concerned that if he saw his grandma that it would draw more attention to the problem and upset him.

I don't see anywhere that the teacher was being condesending.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I don't know. With all my experience around young children, I can't understand how bringing a jacket that had caused the problem in the first place would exacerbate the problem. Seems to me it would solve it completely. At the most the child would have wanted to put the jacket on and wear it, at least he would have been happy to have what he had really wanted for his special day with Daddy. It totally removed the problem, all together. So it should not have made things worse. (Although children are all different, so I conceed that in some case at some point, perhaps it could have.)


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
When there is something random and unpredictable that tends to set DS off for a while, sometimes I tell his daycare teachers something like, "would you mind saying 'what's up?' instead of 'what's wrong?' Saying 'what's wrong' seems to upset him." They never seem to mind that. They know that little kids have odd quirks.

I should mention that to her. I like the idea of "what's up" instead.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 

HOWEVER, her afternoon response to you (or your mom) bringing a jacket up was totally uncalled for, again IMHO. If that had been me and my child, I would have been very angry for her attempting to make me a liar to my child, no matter what she thought. If I tell my child I will do something, I am going to do my best to do it.

Thanks for understanding. I just feel like she butts in sometimes when it is totally not her place. This was one of those examples.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
Perhaps the problem it is causing is that your son is just getting all stirred up about again and she is the one left to deal with all the crying and fussing. You said he was fine when you left, had gone on to play with his friend so perhaps she just thought it better to not stir it all up again. There is no reason it couldn't be left in the office until closer to the school day being done and let them know if he asks for it is there or even having your husband pick it up from the office on his way in to pick up your son.
I just fail to see what she has done wrong and why you feel so slighted.


The coat hooks are outside the classroom. The kids can't see them. My mom made SURE he didn't see her when she came to drop the coat off. If there was any chance that she would have upset DS again, believe me, she would have found any way to avoid that! We were trying to make the kid happy, not put him over the edge again!


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 
From a teacher's perspective, I usually ask the children, "What's up?", "How are you today?", or "What's wrong?" as a matter of greeting. I find that totally normal, and in no way wrong.

I find this so odd on the preschool level (though from the posts here it's obviously pretty common and accepted - maybe it's a regional thing?). At our former daycare if the child looked like they'd recently been upset or weren't having the best of days, the teacher would greet them with a happy "good morning!" and then redirect them to do something like hang their coat up, etc. Once the child was out of earshot, they'd always ask the parent if it'd been a rough morning or what was up - _specifically_ so they wouldn't upset the child by bringing up something all over again. If the child was still upset later, then they may ask them about it if they felt it was necessary. For an older child, I'd see the "what's up" or "what's wrong" as totally appropriate since they can normally better articulate the problem and maintain better composure. As for the jacket thing, I'd be a little ticked about that. You promised your child that the coat would be there, it was able to be accomplished with zero distraction or interference with the child or the class, I don't see the problem! Heck I've made a special trip back home for forgotten items in the past and it totally turned the day around for my kids!

I don't think this is a battle worth really fighting but I can understand why you'd be a bit miffed.

K.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I generally work with young children, ages 3-5, and this is normal here. But then again, I am strange and the children all know me well. I have never thought of it as a strange greeting.







But then again, I do have a wide age range at my house, so I am just used to saying this.

If a child looked really upset I would "distract" or redirect them before asking the parent if there was a problem.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
I do want them to care about him, but I don't like when I'm already dealing with the tears and trying to distract or redirect him and then someone chimes in with "what's wrong" and he gets all mired down in the tears again.







: My son is super-sensitive, so I'm guessing maybe other kids don't get quite so distressed when asked what's wrong.

And, I just didn't appreciate the teacher's judgment on my decision to bring him his other jacket. It just wasn't up to her.







: I can be pretty sensitive sometimes, too. Can you tell!









I completely understand. We've been in a similar (not quite the same) situation with dh. My daughter and son will be in a tearful shouting match because someone hit someone else, I'll be attempting to get them settled down, I'm angry with them for being irrational, and dh comes home from work and ask, "What's wrong?" It's not an unreasonable question, but that very moment is not the time to stop dealing with them and pay attention to dh. I've told him later, I also just don't want the kids to have one more parent to petition, one more reason to draw out the drama.

Your son's teacher meant well, but it was poorly timed.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

I wish more teachers had training in responding to children in an emotionally sensitive way and not so in such a "training" way.


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## gsd1amommy (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
I wish more teachers had training in responding to children in an emotionally sensitive way and not so in such a "training" way.

The teacher asked what was wrong. It's as simple as that. If the OP wants her child to NOT be addressed in the mornings, she needs to tell the teacher that. "Do not address "boy" in the mornings at drop off if he is upset. It makes him act 'weird' and clingy and upsets him". I don't see the "training" way you were referring to.


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## AniellasMommy (Aug 4, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I head this as the teacher was concerned that the jacket would again upset her son like it had earlier.perhaps the teacher was concerned that if he saw his grandma that it would draw more attention to the problem and upset him..

Why would _getting_ the jacket make him upset?


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

im talking about the "don't bring in his coat" problem, not the "whats wrong"

OP - I think you handled it wonderfully. You know your child better then anyone else, but IMO MOST children would have been happy to have their coat dropped off even if they DID see it being dropped off. must have been such a nice surprise for him after school and good for you for keeping his trust by following through on your word!

Its just my experience that teachers wouldnt want the coat dropped off in that situation because they think it would be "rewarding" him for being so upset over it... just my experience of course, not saying the teacher here was thinking that way... but regardless you did the right thing.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AniellasMommy* 
Why would _getting_ the jacket make him upset?

What I meant was that maybe the teacher was concerned that seeing his grandma with his jacket would again upset him, possibly remind him of how upset he was that morning when his mom left.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
Its just my experience that teachers wouldnt want the coat dropped off in that situation because they think it would be "rewarding" him for being so upset over it... just my experience of course, not saying the teacher here was thinking that way... but regardless you did the right thing.

Why would you assume that since the teacher showed concern that the child was upset when he arrived at school that morning. Chances are she didn't want to get upset all over again.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
im talking about the "don't bring in his coat" problem, not the "whats wrong"

OP - I think you handled it wonderfully. You know your child better then anyone else, but IMO MOST children would have been happy to have their coat dropped off even if they DID see it being dropped off. must have been such a nice surprise for him after school and good for you for keeping his trust by following through on your word!

Its just my experience that teachers wouldnt want the coat dropped off in that situation because they think it would be "rewarding" him for being so upset over it... just my experience of course, not saying the teacher here was thinking that way... but regardless you did the right thing.

My mom was worried that if he saw her, he might be upset because she wasn't planning to see him today. If he saw her at school, he might have wanted her to stay or expected her to be picking him up (she often picks him up from school). So, that's why she wanted to avoid running into him.

I agree that the teacher thought bringing the jacket was a "reward". I'm sure that's what she was thinking.

I do sometimes tell the teachers to please not talk to him on days he's in a "mood", but I get the feeling that the main teacher doesn't really pay attention to my warnings. I think she thinks that's another form of "babying" him.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
I do sometimes tell the teachers to please not talk to him on days he's in a "mood", but I get the feeling that the main teacher doesn't really pay attention to my warnings. I think she thinks that's another form of "babying" him.

I understand warning the teacher not to talk to him right away if he seems upset but do you really expect his teachers to not speak to him all day if he is in a mood?


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 

And, I just didn't appreciate the teacher's judgement on my decision to bring him his other jacket. It just wasn't up to her.







: I can be pretty sensitive sometimes, too. Can you tell!










or perhaps she was implying that it was disrupting class. i used to teach preschool and kids coming late or leaving early or parents popping in with stuff was so stinking distracting.

as for the wharts wrong . . this is what people do. she was trying to be sweet.


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

I personally would hope my child's teacher would care enough to inquire about why my child was upset.

This lady is responsible for your son, it is perfectly reasonable for her to want to know why your son had been crying. She is the one that has to deal with his behavior after you leave.

As for the dropping the coat off... At our preschool, parents are not allowed to return to the classroom after morning drop off until the end of the school day. It upsets all of the children when a parent/grandparent comes into the room during the school day and it is disruptive to the class.

I would, however, have kept my promise to my child and dropped the coat off at the school office.


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## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
She happens to run into DS's teacher in the hall who says that bringing the jacket in is "causing a problem".

Maybe I'm reading too much into this but it sounds like she was saying that it had created a problem that you promised to bring the jacket in. I can imagine that a young child might be asking to check every few minutes to see if the jacket is there or asking to phone home or maybe giving the other kids the idea that they want a different jacket at school. I teach slightly older children and I know that any deviations from the normal routine can be very disruptive. I'm not saying you shouldn't have brought the jacket in but I didn't get the impression from what you said that she was questioning your parenting. Could you maybe say to her in a non confrontational way that you understood from your mother that there was a problem with the jacket being dropped off and ask her to explain the issue? If you're not a teacher it's hard to anticipate how little things can really impact the whole class. Having said all that, I personally would not have a problem with a parent dropping off something the child wants/ needs. It happens all the time!


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
She happens to run into DS's teacher in the hall who says that bringing the jacket in is "causing a problem". Lucky for me, my mom ignored her, left the jacket on the hook, and walked out.

I don't understand....is she saying that bringing the coat *would* cause a problem (since the coat had not yet been brought), or that the idea of you bringing in the coat was *already* causing a problem? Maybe she was trying to tell you that your ds was still focused on the coat, in anticipation of finding it at the end of the day? (or in anticipation of expecting it and possibly not finding it?). I could see my dd having that response. I am trustworthy, but she is a worrier and would be distracted by the coat issue all day if I told her I would bring it in and she had to wait until dismissal to know that it had been brought.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

The bringing in the coat and "causing a problem" remark was made when the grandmother dropped off the coat, outside the room late in the day (where the children could not see her). Therefore, I don't see how it could have possibly been "causing a problem" if the child never saw her and his coat problem was solved. So it really just seems like she was unhappy with the child being promised (and getting) something that he was crying about.


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## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 
The bringing in the coat and "causing a problem" remark was made when the grandmother dropped off the coat, outside the room late in the day (where the children could not see her). Therefore, I don't see how it could have possibly been "causing a problem" if the child never saw her and his coat problem was solved. So it really just seems like she was unhappy with the child being promised (and getting) something that he was crying about.

My point was that I can imagine how the _promise_ of a coat being dropped off could cause problems. But you may be right and we can't really know. If I was that teacher, however, I would rather the parent spoke to me than hypothesize about what I may have meant by my tactless, but possibly well intentioned remark.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Boot* 
My point was that I can imagine how the _promise_ of a coat being dropped off could cause problems. But you may be right and we can't really know. If I was that teacher, however, I would rather the parent spoke to me than hypothesize about what I may have meant by my tactless, but possibly well intentioned remark.

I'm sorry, I should have quoted. I was referencing the remark from the next poster:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I don't understand....is she saying that bringing the coat *would* cause a problem (since the coat had not yet been brought), or that the idea of you bringing in the coat was *already* causing a problem?

I was just pointing out that the comment of causing a problem was said after the coat was being dropped off so it would seem to mean that was causing the problem. Either way, IMO, the teacher was in the wrong for making that remark, no matter what she was referring to, since the children did not see the grandmother and the morning's incident was already done.


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## littlemomma (Aug 7, 2002)

My guess is that he was asking every 5 minutes if the jacket was there, bugging the teacher, she'd go check, it wasn't, he'd cry, blah blah blah. I can see how she wishes mom would have just said, sorry, we didn't get it today and left it at that.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I understand warning the teacher not to talk to him right away if he seems upset but do you really expect his teachers to not speak to him all day if he is in a mood?

Oh sorry, my sentence was poorly worded. I don't expect the teacher not to talk to him all day, just immediately upon his arrival. Sometimes being addressed very directly during a transition gets him very upset. After he has a few minutes to settle in to class, he's fine.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Boot* 
My point was that I can imagine how the _promise_ of a coat being dropped off could cause problems. But you may be right and we can't really know. If I was that teacher, however, I would rather the parent spoke to me than hypothesize about what I may have meant by my tactless, but possibly well intentioned remark.

I will talk to her directly the next time I see her. My DH picked DS up from school yesterday and he doesn't have school again until next Tuesday, so I can only hypothesize until then!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *littlemomma* 
My guess is that he was asking every 5 minutes if the jacket was there, bugging the teacher, she'd go check, it wasn't, he'd cry, blah blah blah. I can see how she wishes mom would have just said, sorry, we didn't get it today and left it at that.

That doesn't sound like him at all. He would trust that I was bringing the jacket and know that it would be there as promised. He would have been much more upset if I had told him that I wasn't bringing it. That could have made his whole day a misery. I was actually trying to HELP the teacher by bringing the coat. Oh well.


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## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

My natural reaction to seeing a child with tears on their lashes would be to give them a sympathetic, "Awww, hey buddy, how are you?" It would never occur to me that it could upset the child... but I'm not a professional childcare provider.

Anyway, I will certainly rethink that reaction.

To the OP- I'm sure that the teacher was not trying to upset your little boy. Maybe next time you drop him off, kindly remind her that he is very sensitive and does not like to be asked, "what's wrong?"

I don't understand how dropping off the jacket (And how cute is it that they have matching jackets!?







) could cause a problem. In the same situation, I don't think I would go back for the jacket but that's just me. If it's not a problem for you I don't see how it could be a problem for anyone. I'd be interested to know what that teacher was thinking.

eta: I think responding to a child who is obviously upset with a cheerful "Good Morning!" is extremely insensitive and I, personally, would be very upset if someone ignored _my_ feelings like that.


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## gillibean (Nov 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SunshineJ* 
I find this so odd on the preschool level (though from the posts here it's obviously pretty common and accepted - maybe it's a regional thing?). At our former daycare if the child looked like they'd recently been upset or weren't having the best of days, the teacher would greet them with a happy "good morning!" and then redirect them to do something like hang their coat up, etc. Once the child was out of earshot, they'd always ask the parent if it'd been a rough morning or what was up - _specifically_ so they wouldn't upset the child by bringing up something all over again. If the child was still upset later, then they may ask them about it if they felt it was necessary.
K.

I think that is a great way to handle it. DD1 is quite sensitive and when something's bothering her she doesn't want a lot of people to know. She'll tell me so I can help but even then, she usually needs some time to herself before she's ready to open up. When people ask what's wrong it made things so much worse. I understand that they were asking out of concern but often they would keep asking even though it seemed pretty evident that it was upsetting her. She's 10 now and she's still very much the same. At least now I've learned to say that she doesn't really want to talk about it and leave it at that. I understand that it's often nice if teachers have some background so they can be aware of the situation but they don't really need to know all the details. In your situation I would probably have said, "We've resolved the problem, I'll be dropping off his other jacket later in the day." That way, for all she knows, it might have been _your_ fault that the jacket was 'forgotten'.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *journeymom* 
I completely understand. We've been in a similar (not quite the same) situation with dh. My daughter and son will be in a tearful shouting match because someone hit someone else, I'll be attempting to get them settled down, I'm angry with them for being irrational, and dh comes home from work and ask, "What's wrong?" It's not an unreasonable question, but that very moment is not the time to stop dealing with them and pay attention to dh. I've told him later, I also just don't want the kids to have one more parent to petition, one more reason to draw out the drama.

Your son's teacher meant well, but it was poorly timed.

I agree with that. As the teacher, I would have been more inclined to simply acknowledge that the child's upset and transition into a positive activity (ie "Oh, it seems like you're having a rough time this morning, let's go pick out a book to read together."). Dwelling on the problem, IME, usually exacerbates it. And really, when you're in the middle of consoling your child, does she really think that she can have your attention too? Very poor timing. Wait till the child is calm and has moved on, then get details if necessary.


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## slylives (Mar 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
The teacher asked what was wrong. It's as simple as that. If the OP wants her child to NOT be addressed in the mornings, she needs to tell the teacher that. "Do not address "boy" in the mornings at drop off if he is upset. It makes him act 'weird' and clingy and upsets him". I don't see the "training" way you were referring to.

Absolutely! I have re-read the OP numerous times and still cannot imagine what there was in this exchange that got the OP so annoyed. And I actually think that teacher made a very valid point about how bringing the jacket back might just stir the whole thing up again. As for the comment about :the teacher was not going to make me a liar to my son" - I mean, come on.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
What I meant was that maybe the teacher was concerned that seeing his grandma with his jacket would again upset him, possibly remind him of how upset he was that morning when his mom left.

this doesn't make sense. It may remind the child of the upset that morning, but I dont see how it would upset him again, since the jacket would be there.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
Why would you assume that since the teacher showed concern that the child was upset when he arrived at school that morning. Chances are she didn't want to get upset all over again.

I didn't assume. I said that it was my experience.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
My mom was worried that if he saw her, he might be upset because she wasn't planning to see him today. If he saw her at school, he might have wanted her to stay or expected her to be picking him up (she often picks him up from school). So, that's why she wanted to avoid running into him.

I could understand the child being upset for THAT reason. Which is why I understand that your mom made sure he didnt see her.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
I agree that the teacher thought bringing the jacket was a "reward". I'm sure that's what she was thinking.

I'd like to hope its not, but as I said in my experience this is the teachers POV in this situation.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
I do sometimes tell the teachers to please not talk to him on days he's in a "mood", but I get the feeling that the main teacher doesn't really pay attention to my warnings. I think she thinks that's another form of "babying" him.

Would be nice if teachers could just respect these requests. I am guessing this is why you were upset by her asking "whats wrong"

Quote:


Originally Posted by *slylives* 
Absolutely! I have re-read the OP numerous times and still cannot imagine what there was in this exchange that got the OP so annoyed. And I actually think that teacher made a very valid point about how bringing the jacket back might just stir the whole thing up again. As for the comment about :the teacher was not going to make me a liar to my son" - I mean, come on.

if you read the replies I think you will understand why. I disagree with the validity of the point that bringing the jacket would stir it back up. I really don't think that was the issue with bringing the jacket in later....

Where are the gentle mothering mama's? we need more replies from them in this thread!


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 

Where are the gentle mothering mama's? we need more replies from them in this thread!











ETA, I did debate where to post this originally. Perhaps I should have chosen the Gentle Discipline forum...


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

If the child is doing well, it is better for the teacher if the child doesn't see his parent leave again. Sometimes having to intervene AGAIN is not just part of the day. The kids might be in circle time, or doing centers, or the teacher might be elbow deep in paint.

I doubt she had nothing better to do than settle down a student again, when leaving the jacket outside the door for the teacher to bring in would have been just as easy.

Obviously, he didn't see Grandma, and I am sure Grandma would have been happy to spend a few minutes with him if he was upset again, but it's still a little bit of a hassle for the teachers who already have the day going.

Pre-schoolers don't transition really well, and little disruptions can sometimes cause a big bump in the day. (especially when it's avoidable)

I think if you just ask her to NEVER show any concern for his moods no matter what, she would. It's not easy to always remember that though, so be patient a few times. She will catch on. Ive had students in the past that preferred not to be acknowledged, you learn who they are It's always best to give that child some space. It's just kind of natural to notice that a child is feeling sad, or sick that morning... but, it's a habit she can break.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

^nextcommercial - they did just leave the jacket outside the classroom (thats where the coat hooks are)... which is why I think it was more about the child "getting the jacket" then about the child getting upset again...


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
^nextcommercial - they did just leave the jacket outside the classroom (thats where the coat hooks are)... which is why I think it was more about the child "getting the jacket" then about the child getting upset again...

But when the teacher had the conversation with the grandma she was still on the way to the classroom with the jacket - it is possible that the teacher was concerned that the grandma might bring the jacket into the class to give it to her grandson which could upset him all over again when grandma went to leave.

Regardless, having grandma leave the jacket in the office to be brought down to her grandson later in the day would have prevented this misunderstanding/confrontation whatever you would like to call it between the grandma and the teacher.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
^nextcommercial - they did just leave the jacket outside the classroom (thats where the coat hooks are)... which is why I think it was more about the child "getting the jacket" then about the child getting upset again...

O.K THAT would bug me as a parent. If your son won't see you, then it shouldn't be an issue.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
Where are the gentle mothering mama's? we need more replies from them in this thread!

How was the teacher anything but gentle with the OP's son - all she did was inquire as to why he was upset. While the OP mentioned that she had asked the teacher in the past to not talk to her son when he was in a "mood" no request was made that morning. Had she made fun of him, said something like "big boys don't cry" then I would understand people being upset with her reaction that morning but all she did was say "what's wrong", a simple inquiry as to why one of her students was upset before starting the day.

Honestly, if my child was obviously upset to the point of tears I would be disappointed if the teacher did not show concern for my child - she is the one that spends 6 hours a day with my daughter, it would make me happy to know that she recognizes when my child is upset and comforts her when I am not there to do so.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
But when the teacher had the conversation with the grandma she was still on the way to the classroom with the jacket - it is possible that the teacher was concerned that the grandma might bring the jacket into the class to give it to her grandson which could upset him all over again when grandma went to leave.

If this were the case, why did the teacher not offer to just take the jacket right then and there?

Seems to me that her not offering to take the jacket shows that it was the jacket itself that was the problem.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 
If this were the case, why did the teacher not offer to just take the jacket right then and there?

Seems to me that her not offering to take the jacket shows that it was the jacket itself that was the problem.

ditto!


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
How was the teacher anything but gentle with the OP's son - all she did was inquire as to why he was upset. While the OP mentioned that she had asked the teacher in the past to not talk to her son when he was in a "mood" no request was made that morning. Had she made fun of him, said something like "big boys don't cry" then I would understand people being upset with her reaction that morning but all she did was say "what's wrong", a simple inquiry as to why one of her students was upset before starting the day.

Honestly, if my child was obviously upset to the point of tears I would be disappointed if the teacher did not show concern for my child - she is the one that spends 6 hours a day with my daughter, it would make me happy to know that she recognizes when my child is upset and comforts her when I am not there to do so.

I think you and I are addressing different issues. I'm referring to the bringing of the jacket being a problem. you are referring to the "whats wrong"

either way, the OP knows her child better then you, me, or the teacher... I took this as more of a vent post, not her asking if people thought she should be upset. she's upset, and she shared her reasons why. They are her feelings to have.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SunshineJ* 
At our former daycare if the child looked like they'd recently been upset or weren't having the best of days, the teacher would greet them with a happy "good morning!" and then redirect them to do something like hang their coat up, etc. Once the child was out of earshot, they'd always ask the parent if it'd been a rough morning or what was up - _specifically_ so they wouldn't upset the child by bringing up something all over again. If the child was still upset later, then they may ask them about it if they felt it was necessary. For an older child, I'd see the "what's up" or "what's wrong" as totally appropriate since they can normally better articulate the problem and maintain better composure.

K.

This is what I was thinking, too. The OP is upset about the poor/insensitive/clueless manner the teacher handled the tears. I was going to suggest if the teacher truly cared, she would have spoken with the mother outside of the child's earshot.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Super Glue Mommy* 
They are her feelings to have.

This is what I have been thinking. Feelings are not always rational. And if you have them, you have them. You just have to deal with what you have and go from there.


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## slylives (Mar 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
This is what I was thinking, too. The OP is upset about the poor/insensitive/clueless manner the teacher handled the tears. I was going to suggest if the teacher truly cared, she would have spoken with the mother outside of the child's earshot.

Again, what can you possible read into "what's wrong?" to be poor, insensitive or clueless?! The teacher saw an upset child and greeted him entirely appropriately. I think many of the responses to this thread are just crazy (and yet I keep coming back and responding







). If OP is this incredibly sensitive to interactions between her son and caring adults, maybe OP should homeschool.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

You know, if I were a teacher and every interaction I had with every child and adult were scrutinized this way, man.

I think all the comments were coming from a place of caring. I'd just ignore the one about the jacket and take it as just one human being making an off handed statement.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *slylives* 
Again, what can you possible read into "what's wrong?" to be poor, insensitive or clueless?! The teacher saw an upset child and greeted him entirely appropriately. I think many of the responses to this thread are just crazy (and yet I keep coming back and responding







). If OP is this incredibly sensitive to interactions between her son and caring adults, maybe OP should homeschool.

I was actually much more upset about the jacket part of the whole incident. The "what's wrong" thing bothered me a bit, too, because it is an ongoing thing with the teacher ignoring my requests, but the jacket is what really bothered me. Sorry if it wasn't clear. Like I said, I was kind of rambling. I never really meant for it to get so in depth! I'm really not as sensitive you seem to think I am. If I was, I think I would have stopped reading this thread by now!!


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I think the OP, like most parents, just knows how to respond to her child best, and it did not sit well that the teacher made it worse.

As for teachers, it can be hard to remember all the little nuances of each child, especially when you have a lot of them. So, I don't think she meant anything by it, though it could maybe have been handled a little differently.

With a child hiding behind Mommy and the child seemingly upset, distraction is usually a good rule of thum. But, perhaps the teacher just missed the obvious signs of distress and did not realize how bad the child felt.

I guess it really goes back to, if you weren't there, you really just can't say.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
You know, if I were a teacher and every interaction I had with every child and adult were scrutinized this way, man.

Oh, the joys of anonymous internet chit chat!


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## slylives (Mar 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
I was actually much more upset about the jacket part of the whole incident. The "what's wrong" thing bothered me a bit, too, because it is an ongoing thing with the teacher ignoring my requests, but the jacket is what really bothered me. Sorry if it wasn't clear. Like I said, I was kind of rambling. I never really meant for it to get so in depth! I'm really not as sensitive you seem to think I am. If I was, I think I would have stopped reading this thread by now!!









I didn't mean to make you sounds like some kind of basket case! But some of the responses here I think have made far too much of this. I am glad you are not as sensitive as you seemed to come across at first...!


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 
I think the OP, like most parents, just knows how to respond to her child best, and it did not sit well that the teacher made it worse.

As for teachers, it can be hard to remember all the little nuances of each child, especially when you have a lot of them. So, I don't think she meant anything by it, though it could maybe have been handled a little differently.

With a child hiding behind Mommy and the child seemingly upset, distraction is usually a good rule of thum. But, perhaps the teacher just missed the obvious signs of distress and did not realize how bad the child felt.

I guess it really goes back to, if you weren't there, you really just can't say.

Thanks! and thanks to Super Glue Mommy, too. You guys seem to get my jist.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 
The bringing in the coat and "causing a problem" remark was made when the grandmother dropped off the coat, outside the room late in the day (where the children could not see her). Therefore, I don't see how it could have possibly been "causing a problem" if the child never saw her and his coat problem was solved. So it really just seems like she was unhappy with the child being promised (and getting) something that he was crying about.


If a teacher told me that my dc was having a problem with something, I'd like to _know_ the nature of the problem to which she is referring--not assume I know and that the teacher is in the wrong. You may be right, and it may be about not wanting him to have the coat....or, the child might have continued to be having a problem during the course of the day.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
I'm really not as sensitive you seem to think I am. If I was, I think I would have stopped reading this thread by now!!



















Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 
I think the OP, like most parents, just knows how to respond to her child best, and it did not sit well that the teacher made it worse.

As for teachers, it can be hard to remember all the little nuances of each child, especially when you have a lot of them. So, I don't think she meant anything by it, though it could maybe have been handled a little differently.

With a child hiding behind Mommy and the child seemingly upset, distraction is usually a good rule of thum. But, perhaps the teacher just missed the obvious signs of distress and did not realize how bad the child felt.

I guess it really goes back to, if you weren't there, you really just can't say.











Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kidzaplenty* 
Oh, the joys of anonymous internet chit chat!









:


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
I think if you just ask her to NEVER show any concern for his moods no matter what, she would. It's not easy to always remember that though, so be patient a few times. She will catch on. *Ive had students in the past that preferred not to be acknowledged, you learn who they are It's always best to give that child some space.* It's just kind of natural to notice that a child is feeling sad, or sick that morning... but, it's a habit she can break.

This is how my daughter is. My mom is a teacher. My mom is her grandmother. Yet my mom still gets in Abigail's face and asks what's wrong, when she's upset. My daughter tells my mom 'stop it' and hides behind me and my mom just keeps asking.. it gets really frustrating to me and my daughter. Ma, back off already! So it's nice to know that you are aware of this personality type.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Purity♥Lake~* 
This is how my daughter is. My mom is a teacher. My mom is her grandmother. Yet my mom still gets in Abigail's face and asks what's wrong, when she's upset. My daughter tells my mom 'stop it' and hides behind me and my mom just keeps asking.. it gets really frustrating to me and my daughter. Ma, back off already! So it's nice to know that you are aware of this personality type.

That's how my DS is, too. VERY sensitive. VERY spirited. Glad I'm not the only one with one of these kids!


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Wow, ppl sure are getting their knickers in a twist.









I'd have been frustrated by the question "What's wrong?" because it would just result in a whole new mess of tears. I have that kid. I feel you!









I'd be quite irritated by the comment about the jacket causing a problem. That was uncalled for. Like another poster said (Kidzaplenty, I think), when I tell my kid I'm going to do something for them, I make darn sure I do my best to follow through.


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

How interesting that the people who think the teacher could have handled it better are the ones being called crazy, etc. Can't most of us think of better ways to handle most any given interaction upon reflection? And really, the more I think about it, "What's wrong" as a greeting or immediately after a greeting is kind of rude. If I went into work with my eyes still a little teary, a co-worker would never ask me that! Perhaps a "bad day?" or "want to talk about it?" but not a flat out "what's wrong" as soon as I walked in the door.

I've read all the replies, considered all the arguments presented and I still can't see a problem with bringing in the jacket. If it were an issue of leaving it on the hook vs the office, she could've easily asked that you drop it off there when you mentioned bringing it in. Since she didn't and given the cirumstances surrounding the event, I'm inclined to think that wasn't the problem.

I have to wonder about this comment though: *As for the comment about :the teacher was not going to make me a liar to my son" - I mean, come on.* I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean - that her not bringing the jacket was ok and wouldn't make her a liar to her son? If you promise your child something and you decide not to follow through (barring emergencies or unforseen situations) does that not indeed mean that you lied to your child? Maybe I'm just not reading that correctly - it's entirely possible!

K.


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SunshineJ* 

I have to wonder about this comment though: *As for the comment about :the teacher was not going to make me a liar to my son" - I mean, come on.* I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean - that her not bringing the jacket was ok and wouldn't make her a liar to her son? If you promise your child something and you decide not to follow through (barring emergencies or unforseen situations) does that not indeed mean that you lied to your child? Maybe I'm just not reading that correctly - it's entirely possible!

K.

Maybe I worded it a little strongly, and maybe the issue is close at hand to me now because I'm currently listening to Scream Free Parenting and it talks a lot about being a parent of your words, but I just meant that I that I like to keep my word to my kid. If I told him his jacket would be there, it will be there. If some emergency came up and I couldn't get it there, sure, I'd just have to explain it to him later, but I wasn't going to not give him his coat because the teacher thought it was a bad idea.

Oh yeah, I didn't say anything about talking to the administration or the teacher being fired. I don't even know what prompted those posts.







Most days, I think she's great. We just had a difference of opinion the other day.


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

1. The teacher was showing concern when she asked what was wrong. She cares and probably wanted to help.

2. I understand why you wanted to bring the jacket in, but when parents just randomly drop in in the middle of class it can be a huge disruption, especially with little ones whose attention spans are very short and fragile.

Why to teachers get so much hate aimed at them? It's like they can't win no matter what they do.


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
Maybe I worded it a little strongly, and maybe the issue is close at hand to me now because I'm currently listening to Scream Free Parenting and it talks a lot about being a parent of your words, but I just meant that I that I like to keep my word to my kid. If I told him his jacket would be there, it will be there. If some emergency came up and I couldn't get it there, sure, I'd just have to explain it to him later, but I wasn't going to not give him his coat because the teacher thought it was a bad idea.

Oh yeah, I didn't say anything about talking to the administration or the teacher being fired. I don't even know what prompted those posts.







Most days, I think she's great. We just had a difference of opinion the other day.

The bolded part was a quote from another poster - I always do my best to keep my word to my kids, and if I don't I know I've let them down and do think they'll see me as a liar.


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## kama'aina mama (Nov 19, 2001)

I agree that once you promise your kid something is going to happen it should happen if it can. Once you committed to bring the jacket you had to. I suspect the teachers point may have been that it is not always optimal in terms of the child learning to cope with disappointment to always intervene and transform his disappointment to satisfaction. I have been blessed with great, caring teachers for my child starting when she was 3 y/o who I have noticed and been grateful to for nudging my child forward developmentally when my tendency toward making her happy, almost no matter what, would have hindered her growth.

Maybe you should schedule a talk with the teacher and try to learn what her take is on this.


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## StarMom2 (Apr 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chipper26* 
1. The teacher was showing concern when she asked what was wrong. She cares and probably wanted to help.

2. I understand why you wanted to bring the jacket in, but when parents just randomly drop in in the middle of class it can be a huge disruption, especially with little ones whose attention spans are very short and fragile.

Why to teachers get so much hate aimed at them? It's like they can't win no matter what they do.











As a teacher, I am a little surprised at some of the over-analysis here. Teachers absolutely need to respect parents, but parents also need to respect teachers. We are professionals, and sometimes we have a different perspective for a reason. You really don't know what the teacher was referring to when she said bringing in the jacket was a problem because nobody asked her. She was likely in the hallway in a hurry somewhere and didn't take the time to explain in depth because her mind was on something else and she had no idea a few words would be blown out of proportion like this. She said it was a problem before the jacket was dropped off, therefore she could likely have been requesting the grandma not go into the classroom, which would seem logical to me (and was also logical to the OP and grandma not to go into the room), but the teacher couldn't assume the grandma wasn't going into the room. But, the "problem" could have been a number of things, and rather than take the time to respect the teacher and find out what the problem was, the OP simply judged her and assumed she was telling her how to parent. As far as asking the child "What's Wrong" - again, I do not see any problem here. In fact, I would prefer the teacher take the time to find out what is wrong with a crying child rather than just ignore the situation. Honestly, OP, you have years of dealing with teachers left. If you think these interactions are this upsetting, you have a hard road ahead.


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## kalimay (May 25, 2005)

"I have been blessed with great, caring teachers for my child starting when she was 3 y/o who I have noticed and been grateful to for nudging my child forward developmentally when my tendency toward making her happy, almost no matter what, would have hindered her growth.

Maybe you should schedule a talk with the teacher and try to learn what her take is on this."

I was thinking something like this but thought that kama'aina mama said it better than I could. I also know some amazing preschool teachers.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Our teachers, as a rule, don't say "what's wrong?". We are also asked not to say it if we pick child up and child is upset during the initial visiting periods when child is left for a few hours at the school. Instead they request we comfort our child while saying something positive, although I forget what the example was b/c ds didn't cry. I think it was something like "it's so nice to see you, tell me about your day".

My point is, that idea is out there in some teacher training that it exacerbates the problem. So, the OP isn't off her rocker thinking that was not ideal.


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## lorrielink (May 31, 2002)

first of all hugs







op, im sorry you got so flamed for your post which was obviously (to me and a few others anyway) a *vent* about a bad morning you had that was still bothering you when you got home and came here to share and hopefully get some commiseration. which is *what a vent is for*.

i totally empathize with your rant, ive been through a few similar experiances involving forgotton items and recieved similar treatment and it was usually my fault(for forgetting said item)









as a tired mommy of a sensitive kid having already dealt with a tough time and its not even 9 in the morning yet and have the whole day ahead of you still and youve got to run back with the coat and in the middle of that your sons teacher whom your leaving with all day says the exact. wrong. thing. (and you mentioned it wasnt the first time)
wheather she meant to or not is not the issue. its just an exasperating moment that is a *valid reason for a vent*.

every mother goes through things like that, everyone has hectic times and maybe just maybe everyone doesnt always do or say the exact right thing at the exact right time. its certainly not just you or the teacher.
certainly i qualify for disability for cronic foot in mouth syndrome.









my son is supremely sensitive and there have always been and always will be teachers/care providers/other mothers and fathers even that either "get it" "think they get it, but know better" open to "getting it" or just "dont get it" at all since they have never aparently dealt with a sensitive child before in their life or dont seem to beleive they exsist.

i think you did a good job resolving it. my son would have been the same way about something like that and i would have done the same thing and told him i would bring the coat in time for the end of the day. and my son would have trusted me and not been a "problem" to the rest of the class.

i agree with those who said that the teacher really did not need to be telling the grandmother that the coat was a problem when she was *already there* and the teacher knew she wouldnt be disrupting class because im sure the teacher knows where the coat hooks are. and if she was in a rush, why say anything at all? and to the grandmother? that makes no sense, if there is some miscommunication or missunderstanding going on, she needs to call the mom or talk to her when kids arnt being dropped off or picked up.

you might want to consider a meeting with her to clear up any misunderstandings in what you think is best for your child and your values in how he is treated.

its true that its the norm in most areas that teachers and daycares dont want you doing "extra" things for your children like dropping of a forgotton item of clothing or food or something for class.
what many think of as "disruptive" i consider a healthy, organic and accepting environment. i didnt find many daycares that agreed with me, but ive always been an oddball anyway. ive ran into "interupting class" myself when my oldest was 4 and in daycare. "closed sets" like that just really dont jive with my family values.

this is why he only went for 6 months and after spending weeks and weeks checking out other daycares in the area and finding the same thing, he never went to that kind of daycare or school again.

just because its common and mainstream for daycares and early grade schools to be like this does not mean its the right or best thing for every family and child.

also i think your mother rocks!









wishing you less frantic mornings!







:

OMG that was way too long


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## mamatoablessing (Oct 17, 2005)

I guess I've never really noticed until this thread made me think back to some of those tough mornings.

DD's preschool teachers have never asked "what's wrong" to DD or me when she is obviously upset. If we walk in the classroom and DD is upset or feeling shy or whatever, the teacher always comes over to greet us and guide DD away from me to something that will help distract her. If the class is already doing stories, the teacher will take DD up front, on her lap, and make her the official "page turner". The teacher and I will make eye contact and sometimes I'll just smile and say "it's been a rough morning" but they've never asked, point blank in front of DD, if something was wrong.

I can see the OP's view here. That would certainly create a regression in my daughter as well.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

My guess about the jacket, and this is ONLY a guess, is that it didn't allow for the "issue' of the morning to be resolved. Some kids, mine included at that age, aren't able to relax into the school day when they have the anticipation of something like a parent coming back to school, or items being brought in from home, etc. It sort of keeps the emotional connection to the event going, when maybe it would be better to not have that happen. With one of my kids, who always had something they needed as they got to school, I would simply say that the item would be in the car at pick up.


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## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

Just random thoughts on the matter:

* If it's difficult to get past the incident with one child because "What's wrong" causes a whole new set of tears, it can be very frustrating to the parent.
* If a parent tries to understand how frustrating it is to just get a classroom of 4 y.o. children on task and then have a disruption of adults coming in and out as they please, maybe that will give a different perspective on the issue in teacher's defense.
* I personally would not be surprised if anyone I met inquired "what's wrong" if a child or an adult had tears in their eyes. It's done out of kindness and concern, qualities that I admire in people.
* If a teacher told me I can't fulfill a promise I made to my child just because it will inconvenience her/him, I'd be upset.

I think there is a lot of emotions involved here, and with some understanding and communication on both parts it won't happen again(?)


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

I can kind of see what the OP ment, however I do feel there is a bit of an over reaction here.

When the teacher asked what was wrong it wasn't her intent to undue what you had done, nor was it ment to be disrespectful. My DD's teacher asks her every morning how she is, and when she is upset asks whats wrong. It helps the teacher grasp whats on the childs mind. It can be healthy for LO's to have this because they know that someone cares, I mean other then mom and dad.

As for any issues, I would be more inclined to talk to the teacher directly. Resolve it in a mature way that benifits mom, child AND teacher.

To often do I see or hear people complain about teachers. They are wonderful UNDERPAID people who dedicate their lives to our children and they don't get half the respect they should. To often do parents take advantage of them and undermind them.

Have you talked to the techer about this? gotten her perspective and maybe given her yours?


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
Our teachers, as a rule, don't say "what's wrong?". We are also asked not to say it if we pick child up and child is upset during the initial visiting periods when child is left for a few hours at the school. Instead they request we comfort our child while saying something positive, although I forget what the example was b/c ds didn't cry. I think it was something like "it's so nice to see you, tell me about your day".

My point is, that idea is out there in some teacher training that it exacerbates the problem. So, the OP isn't off her rocker thinking that was not ideal.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *fionnsmom* 
first of all hugs







op, im sorry you got so flamed for your post which was obviously (to me and a few others anyway) a *vent* about a bad morning you had that was still bothering you when you got home and came here to share and hopefully get some commiseration. which is *what a vent is for*.

you might want to consider a meeting with her to clear up any misunderstandings in what you think is best for your child and your values in how he is treated.

what many think of as "disruptive" i consider a healthy, organic and accepting environment.

just because its common and mainstream for daycares and early grade schools to be like this does not mean its the right or best thing for every family and child.

I agree.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamatoablessing* 
I can see the OP's view here. That would certainly create a regression in my daughter as well.


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## jennybear (Sep 4, 2007)

Here's what I don't get: in four pages of posts, it seems clear that the teacher was never really given an opportunity to explain WHY bringing the coat was a problem.

It may be that she didn't want the behavior "rewarded." It may be that the OP's son had a tough time moving on from the incident because he was worried about when the coat would arrive. It could be any number of things that we haven't imagined as possibilities yet.

In general, I think we get into trouble when we make assumptions about the intents/motivations/beliefs of others (particularly when we're assuming negative intent).


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## labdogs42 (Jan 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennybear* 
Here's what I don't get: in four pages of posts, it seems clear that the teacher was never really given an opportunity to explain WHY bringing the coat was a problem.

It may be that she didn't want the behavior "rewarded." It may be that the OP's son had a tough time moving on from the incident because he was worried about when the coat would arrive. It could be any number of things that we haven't imagined as possibilities yet.

In general, I think we get into trouble when we make assumptions about the intents/motivations/beliefs of others (particularly when we're assuming negative intent).

OK, to me it doesn't matter if she was given an opportunity to explain WHY. IMO, it wasn't up to her if the coat was going to be brought or not. My mom was standing there with the coat when she made this comment. The teacher KNEW she wouldn't be seeing any members of my family for the rest of the day (she was aware that my son was going to extended care after class and that my Dh was picking him up from there. Teacher has no contact with child or family once the child goes over to ex. care), so if she felt the need to explain her comment, she should have done it right there and then. I don't know why people are so up in arms about the teacher being maligned. I was VENTING! The woman doesn't even have a clue that I'm annoyed at her. I'm sure she isn't sitting around worrying that she didn't get to explain herself to me! I will probably have forgotten the whole thing by the time I see the teacher at school on Tuesday. It isn't that big of a deal. I was just annoyed at it at the time and decided to come here to vent. In a forum where I felt comfortable and understood. Well, maybe I'm not feeling quite as understood anymore, but I have learned yet another important lesson about venting online.







Peace!


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## jennybear (Sep 4, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *labdogs42* 
OK, to me it doesn't matter if she was given an opportunity to explain WHY. IMO, it wasn't up to her if the coat was going to be brought or not. My mom was standing there with the coat when she made this comment. The teacher KNEW she wouldn't be seeing any members of my family for the rest of the day (she was aware that my son was going to extended care after class and that my Dh was picking him up from there. Teacher has no contact with child or family once the child goes over to ex. care), so if she felt the need to explain her comment, she should have done it right there and then. I don't know why people are so up in arms about the teacher being maligned. I was VENTING! The woman doesn't even have a clue that I'm annoyed at her. I'm sure she isn't sitting around worrying that she didn't get to explain herself to me! I will probably have forgotten the whole thing by the time I see the teacher at school on Tuesday. It isn't that big of a deal. I was just annoyed at it at the time and decided to come here to vent. In a forum where I felt comfortable and understood. Well, maybe I'm not feeling quite as understood anymore, but I have learned yet another important lesson about venting online.







Peace!

I get the need to vent, absolutely!

I guess all I'm saying is that this is probably worth a conversation. I mean, what if this whole thing DID cause more stress/worry/upset for your son than you knew about? Or what if it caused extra work for the teacher because of....?? Who knows. I'm just saying that if a teacher says "X is a problem" it would be good to ask why that is.

Sorry you had such a rough day!


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