# Are your kids allowed to close their door?



## waiting2bemommy

I wanted to make this a poll, but wasn't sure how to set it up to accommodate the varying ages of kids which definitely makes a difference in people's responses. So, I would like to know from parents of all ages of kids, what is the "door policy" in your house?

do you allow the kids to play in their rooms with the door shut? What about when friends are over? can they lock the door? If you do or don't let them, why? At what age is it ok? what are your reasons? This came up recently, and I'm pretty comfortable with my stance on this for my kids, who are still young, but I'm curious as to what others do. Maybe I need to change my viewpoint, i don't know. I won't say what my rule is, though, until I hear the responses.


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## kittywitty

Yes they can close it. For awhile. The only way to the bathroom and cat litter boxes is through their rooms, so they have to stay open unless for necessary reasons and for short periods-like playing with magnetix. I wouldn't have that rule if I could work around this stupid house layout.

No they can't lock it-only because I have had to break open a door one too many times in emergencies when they accidently locked it.


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## GuildJenn

Closed, yes. Our bedroom doors don't have locks on them.


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## loraxc

Goodness, yes, the 6yo can. I wouldn't let the 2yo, but he's not interested anyway! She doesn't have a functional lock, so she can't lock it. I'm not sure I'd allow that. Probably not.

I don't remember a point when I said "Now you're old enough to shut your door." I think it just came about naturally.

She is allowed to have the door shut with friends over, too, but of course I reserve the right to come in.

She is not the type to destroy things or anything like that. I suppose if she had a history of that, it would be different.


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## StephandOwen

My ds is 6. Yes, he can shut his door anytime he wants to (and he does when he's pretending something and has big elaborate stories going on and he doesn't want us to interrupt him). He cannot lock it. Big no-no and he's been warned that the door will come off the hinges if he locks it again. That's for safety reasons. If he has friends over they don't play in his room (that's his safe area) but if they did play in his room I wouldn't allow the door to be shut.

I let ds shut his door because he's a member of this house and deserves privacy, should he desire it. I shut my bedroom door at times when I want privacy so ds has that same privilege. I think when we moved to this house (he was 3 1/2) was when he started shutting his door, but rarely. The last year he's started shutting it more.


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## *bejeweled*

My DD is 7. She is allowed to close her bedroom door. I believe everyone should be allowed privacy.

But she is not allowed to close the office door (where the computer is). Nor is she allowed to close doors when her friends are over. And she is not allowed to lock doors.


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## no5no5

Yes, but her door doesn't have a lock. Honestly, she's only chosen to close her door maybe 5 times, all of which were when she was angry and needed time to cool down. We live in a small apartment, and that is really the only way she can be by herself. And her room is a pretty safe place, within earshot of everyplace else in the house.

She is also allowed to go to the bathroom and lock the door behind her, but she doesn't usually choose to. I trust her, and she's never given me reason not to. The only time she's not allowed to close the door is when she's in the bath, because she's only 4 and I still have slight worries about her drowning or burning herself.

ETA: If the bathroom lock didn't have an emergency release, I might be less inclined to let her lock it. Maybe. I also let her lock herself in bathroom stalls when we're out & about.


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## Arduinna

Yes they can close it, in fact bedroom door are generally closed in our house to keep the dogs out, locking is fine, but I wouldn't put a lock on small childs room as I don't want to deal with them accidentally locking themselves in


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## lovesdaffodils

It's actually a rule in my house TO keep the door closed so our puppy doesn't chew up any toys or choke on something! His room has no lock, however.


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## 4evermom

Sure ds can close and lock doors. He really likes to do that to feel secure. All the locks except the master bedroom are so damaged that any key can be used to pop them open. I remember discouraging kids from closing doors when they were playing at a certain younger age because I was afraid they'd get slammed on someone's fingers. And I don't want ds to lock people out to be exclusive when cousins are over. But he can still lock the door. I just want him to let people in on request. That usually comes up with our living room which has a locking door and is where the toys, computer, and tv are. I'd let him have privacy in his bedroom, of course, if he wanted to be alone. I wouldn't want him to lock out one of his cousins while he's playing with another, however. That's poor manners as a host.


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## ollyoxenfree

They have always been "allowed" to close their doors. I've never considered it as something that required permission, actually, so "allowed" is an odd way for me to think about it.

In some houses, there were locks on the bedroom doors and bathrooms. In others, no locks. We've never used them. Possibly the kids never locked their doors because they knew they didn't have to - they could close the doors if they wanted, and I knock before entering.

I have always knocked before I enter, if their doors are closed. SOP since they were quite young.


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## elmh23

Dd is 5.5 and yes, she can close and lock her door whenever, BUT if I knock on the door she needs to unlock it. If she doesn't, our locks can easily be opened with a butter knife (we actually keep one on her door frame.)

Ds is 3 and he is not allowed to close or lock his door, mainly because he is Mr. Destructo and also because the diaper changer and pain are in there so I need access and it get's rather stinky if the door is closed. We have a anti-pincher child proof thingy up at the very top of the door that he cannot reach. Thankfully, he prefers to not be in his room at all unless his sister is playing with him so privacy isn't an issue for him.


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## leighi123

Yes.
Ds and I share a room, but sometimes he wants to have 'private time' (i.e. he is tired, but wont admit it, so he goes off into the bedroom and plays quietly/reads books). He shuts the door for that but not when I ask him to when he is pooping and I dont want to have to smell him!

He is not allowed to slam the doors, and we have a 'knock before going in' when someone is going potty, but mostly its just me and him so, so far we havent worried about 'knocking before going in bedrooms' rule, maybe it will come up as he gets older though.

I like doors shut, I always have, for some reason it makes me anoyed when door are open when Im trying to do something in a room (sew, read, etc)

He is not allowed to lock doors until he learns to unlock them properly, ours are impossible to unlock from the outside. He was locked in my parents bedroom for an hour before he figured out how to get out (luckally they have a sliding glass door so I could see him/talk to him the whole time, he mostly was just wallowing on the floor b/c he was tired, and then got bored and went to figure out the lock!)
And he would not ever be allowed to lock them while sleeping/at night (for safety reasons)

I think the only age it would be an issue is for teenagers, when they have a gf/bf over and you want to make sure they arent doing something inappropriate.


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## Honey693

DD's almost 2 and not allowed to closer her door b/c she locks herself in and freaks out when she can't get out. Once she figures out door handles and locks I won't care. But I refuse to get up/stop what I'm doing every 3 minutes to unlock a door and let her out.


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## Llyra

Mine are almost 6, 3, and 3. They all share a room, so I guess that changes things. The door has a lock on the doorknob-- they're allowed to close and lock it, sure. I can't imagine why they wouldn't be. Then again, as young as they are, if I think there's any kind of serious mischief going on behind that locked door, or if I suspect somebody's not safe, I have three separate keys for that door, stored out of reach in three different places, so I can let myself in easily if I feel the need.

I don't see any reason to prohibit a child of any age, beyond babyhood of course, from being alone behind a closed door, as long as the room is a safe environment. I would even leave a baby alone if the baby seemed to want it, and I have-- both my girls liked to be left alone to play quietly as early as four or five months. I wouldn't shut the door on a baby, though.

My mother never had any rules about closed doors, and was very respectful of our privacy at every age, and I think I will probably be the same.

With friends over-- no, I wouldn't allow my six year old to lock herself in a room with a child outside our family. I worry mostly about the other child's parent, and what might be said if any mischief did happen behind that closed door. My three year olds are not left alone with their little friends, because while I trust my own kids to have reasonable age-appropriate judgment, I haven't seen that all three year olds do.


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## crowcaw

Mt twins are almost 5 and never had a time when they weren't allowed to close their door, though they never really did it until the last several months. There aren't locks on any of our inside doors (except the bathroom and I've had to get the screwdriver out to take the knob off that a couple of times, but they know how to unlock it now).


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## NYCVeg

Dd is 4 and is allowed to close her door. She likes to do it now and then--"I want to play alone now." Her room connects to ours, and only the door that connects to the living room can be locked from her side--so there's no way for her to lock herself in her room. If she's playing with the door shut, I just check on her every now and then--usually unnecessary, actually, because she chatters to herself nonstop.


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## Oubliette8

When I was growing up my parents had a "no closed doors" rule. If we weren't sleeping or changing, the door had to be open. It was horrible. I had 3 younger siblings and there was just no privacy. There was a bigger rule about locking doors- it was not to be done, ever, except maybe if you were in the bathroom. Consequently I spent alot of time "sleeping" or resorted to hour long baths just to get time to myself. I remember hating the rule even as a younger kid- like elementary school age. It meant I could never escape from my siblings or protect my stuff (from say, my younger sibling who loved to throw my favorite stuffed animals in the shower) or just have some peace and quiet. my parents probably should have been a bit more on top of it, but sometimes my siblings would stand outside a closed door and open it over and over again. Locking would have been helpful then, at least it took them a bit longer to pick the lock open. I think some reasonable limits are ok- like open doors when friends are over if it makes you feel more comfortable, but a blanket ban on closed doors is a bad idea for almost any age.


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## One_Girl

My dd can close or open her door whenever she wants to, there isn't a lock and I won't be installing one because I see no point to a lock since she doesn't have a sibling and I respect her need for space when she wants me to. With friends it really depends on the friend and whether that has worked in the past. I have noticed that when the door is shut they are playing with things they shouldn't play with, she is seven and knows what she can and can't get into but seems to get into those things when she is with certain friends. Instead of not inviting the friend over again I have a door open policy for when most of her friends are over and that seems to have put a stop to that so far. When she was younger we had some exploration games going on when she and her friends thought I wasn't paying much attention so I also make sure to peek back there frequently.


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## AllyRae

All of my kids are allowed to shut their doors (although the younger two just sort of do it to play hide and seek. LOL!). The 6 year old is allowed to lock his door so that he can play without his siblings disturbing him. But he knows that if I knock, he opens right away or I get the key to unlock it and then he loses the privilege of locking. He can shut his door with friends over, but I also get to check on them every couple minutes...he may not lock it if someone is in his room with him. And if he ever has a computer in his room, he will not be allowed to use it with the door shut.


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## LynnS6

Our kids are allowed to close their doors. Even when friends are over. I do keep an ear out to make sure things don't get too quiet when friends are over. But, I think it's important to be able to have privacy.

In reality, they rarely close their doors unless friends are over. They won't sleep with their doors closed, and they don't like to play alone with their doors closed. They don't lock, so it's a moot point.


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## Tigerchild

If it's their own room and they're alone, they've been allowed to do that since they were..3 or so? Well, my boys can be in there together and still close the door, as they share a room. Keep in mind that the rooms have always been fully childproofed, including furniture straps and passive outlet covers, ect.

With friends, the door must always be open slightly.

The kids are 8, 7, and 7. Though I have to say, whenever we have friends over the kids spend little time in the rooms or even in the house--they're always out exploring our property and building forts in the lilac bush or running through the ferns.

We are open with our kids about the appropriateness of body exploration with other kids (not appropriate), which typically is the main concern that I've heard people raise with giving children privacy. We've also been open about how self-exploration is fine, as long as it is private.

When I was worried about the kids choking on toys or sticking forks into the sockets, I kept direct line supervision of them and playdate friends. Now that I don't have to worry about that (as much), and they know the rules for guests and the consequences of breaking them, I see nothing wrong with allowing semi-privacy. I think bringing up concerns directly, rather than denying privacy because you want to make sure to catch them, tends to work a lot better.

That being said, our kids also understand that they do not have full privacy, nor the expectation of it. They don't have independent locks on the doors (though we always knock). We can and do occasionally look through the contents of the DSes and will do so for computer accounts in the future as well. Even at this age, I do generally check in on playdates (even if they're running through our property) about every 45 minutes or so.

So with all that stuff, closed doors is probably not the greatest privacy concern--our wooded and bushed property is. But with a combination of supervision and communication, so far we've not had to deal with any uncomfortable situations.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X

Yeah they have to keep the door shut actually or the tv bothers me and dh. They have been shutting it for about 2 years now and the kids are 9 and 5.

They dont have friends over but I wouldnt mind having the door shut I dont think depending on the kids.


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## Chamomile Girl

Oooooh...I'm actually surprised by the responses here. My kid is still little, but I feel very, very uncomfortable with the thought of allowing him to close the door when he is older. Like a PP I also grew up in a house where closing doors was not allowed, and I don't recall that it ever bothered me. I like being able to always hear what is going on in my general space and by closing the door (or by my kid closing his door) that becomes impossible.

Maybe its because I am an only child, and I grew up in a family without any abuse, but I honestly don't understand why my kid should want to shut himself off from his family? To isolate himself from the rest of us...it seems very alienating to me. I can't imagine ever wanting to do the same (with the exception of in the bathroom, but that is just because if you don't close the door people can look through the living room window and see you pot squating).

So no. I don't see myself allowing a shut door, because I can't see any healthy reason for it.


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## MusicianDad

DD shuts her door often enough. If she doesn't want to be bothered by DS she will go into her room and shut the door, if she leaves it open he will eventually follow her in. We have no problem with her shutting the door.

Once DS can work the door knobs (he still has some trouble with those) and he starts feeling the need for that kind of privacy he will be allowed to shut to door too.

Our bedroom doors don't have locks so locking the doors is a non-issue. We have no problem if the door is shut when friends are over either. Since DD has done nothing to warrant us not trusting her alone with friends, we see no reason to require the door stay open. As it is that is a good enough reason for her to stay out of trouble.

I never did understand parents that have a "doors open" rule.


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## MusicianDad

A healthy reason for allowing doors to be closed. Different people need different amounts of space and privacy. Not allowing them to set physical boundaries (with in certain guidelines like if someone knocks you have to open up) can, I believe, inhibit a child from learning to set non-physical boundaries with others. Privacy isn't evil, or bad, it is just privacy.


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## Storm Bride

DD1 is 7 and ds2 is 5. They share a room. They're allowed to close their door anytime, but their room doesn't have a lock. If anyone wants out (of any room, not just their's), they have to let them out. DS2 occasionally closes the door on dd2 (13 months) and she can't open it from inside and _flips_.

DS1 (17) can close his door, whether he has friends over or not. He's also allowed to lock it. We put a lock on his door to protect his stuff from his younger siblings.


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## Getz

Sure they can shut their doors. (My kids are 4.5 and 3.5) My son likes to play by himself sometimes, I think he feels more comfortable with his pretend play when Mommy isn't watching (I was the same way as a kid.) I only get worried when they are in a room together, with the door shut and it's been quiet for awhile (usually means they are up to something.) The locks are inverted on their bedroom doors so they can't lock me out. They have locked themselves (or me) in before.

I see my kids' rooms as their quiet space in our home and if they need time in there alone, with the door shut, that's fine. When they are feeling overwhelmed by something, they naturally retreat to their rooms with the door shut for some quiet time. Seems perfectly normal and healthy to me. *shrugs*


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## eclipse

Absoloutely (although they usually don't). The older two are also allowed to lock them, especially my oldest (will be 10 in January), who sometimes needs to keep my youngest out if he wants any time to himself, or to do something like build a cool lego something or other. My almost 5 year old is not allowed to lock any doors, but only because he has a habit of locking them and closing them from the outside, which is a huge PITA.


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## Tigerchild

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Maybe its because I am an only child, and I grew up in a family without any abuse, but I honestly don't understand why my kid should want to shut himself off from his family? To isolate himself from the rest of us...it seems very alienating to me.

Why is closing one's bedroom door "shutting oneself off from the family"? Or at least, why is doing it while going to the bathroom not, and shutting a bedroom for quiet/meditation/reading/masturbation/whatever is? And how is it isolation?

It's temporary. To meet a personal need for privacy. If privacy = shutting out family members, then logically, you should be just as concerned with bathroom doors being shut.

Being able to understand and accept that our kids may have different tolerances/needs from our own is really important, I think. YOU might like to have an "ear on everything" but to some people that would drive them nuts (and their reactions to constantly have to have that input from everywhere might very well be more isolating that giving themselves an hour of quiet reading in their room from time to time.

It's not all or nothing, where either you remove your doors or only live in silent isolation in your room, KWIM?


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## eclipse

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
So no. I don't see myself allowing a shut door, because I can't see any healthy reason for it.

What if your child is an introvert, and just needs time to themselves? What if occaisional "isolation" keeps them from being overwhelmed.

My family was a loud family, and I was a quiet kid/teenager. Even the noises they made in everyday living sometimes drove me crazy, especially in high school when I was trying to study (but also when I was younger and just trying to read a book in peace).

My oldest son is very, very introverted. He participates in family life, but he really needs time to himself to be able to cope with the time he does spend with us.

Also? I think it's healthy for kids and teenagers to be able to explore themselves sexually, and I wouldn't expect (or want) them to do that with the door open. My husband and I don't leave the door open when we have sex.


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## ejg123

I am curious why people don't allow doors to be shut when friends are over? I grew up (in retrospect, although at the time, I didn't know it) with lots of freedom running around on my farm and the farm of my best friend across the road and I am pretty sure we started running around our barns and back yards and woods (with time to check in) when we were 6 or 7, or at the latest, 8 so I guess we were alone, unsupervised for some amount of time, although not far from our house. Anyway, like some others, I've never even heard of the idea of not allowing children to shut doors with or without friends. I'm not against it, per se, just wondering if people are afraid that kids will just generally get into mischief if they have a physical barrier like a door? Or are there concerns with sexual experimentation? Just curious. Something to think about as our boy grows up - I want to give him freedom - but also provide the sorts of boundaries that help children thrive and feel safe... Such a hard balance!


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## Chamomile Girl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
Why is closing one's bedroom door "shutting oneself off from the family"? Or at least, why is doing it while going to the bathroom not, and shutting a bedroom for quiet/meditation/reading/masturbation/whatever is? And how is it isolation?

It's temporary. To meet a personal need for privacy. If privacy = shutting out family members, then logically, you should be just as concerned with bathroom doors being shut.

Being able to understand and accept that our kids may have different tolerances/needs from our own is really important, I think. YOU might like to have an "ear on everything" but to some people that would drive them nuts (and their reactions to constantly have to have that input from everywhere might very well be more isolating that giving themselves an hour of quiet reading in their room from time to time.

It's not all or nothing, where either you remove your doors or only live in silent isolation in your room, KWIM?

Hmmm, well for the record we didn't shut the bathroom door when I was a kid either. So that argument doesn't really fly.


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## Chamomile Girl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
What if your child is an introvert, and just needs time to themselves? What if occaisional "isolation" keeps them from being overwhelmed.

My family was a loud family, and I was a quiet kid/teenager. Even the noises they made in everyday living sometimes drove me crazy, especially in high school when I was trying to study (but also when I was younger and just trying to read a book in peace).

My oldest son is very, very introverted. He participates in family life, but he really needs time to himself to be able to cope with the time he does spend with us.

Also? I think it's healthy for kids and teenagers to be able to explore themselves sexually, and I wouldn't expect (or want) them to do that with the door open. My husband and I don't leave the door open when we have sex.


Both my DH and I are also introverts and I still don't understand why the door has to be closed to get privacy. We get plenty of "quiet time" with doors open just by respecting one another's space. I would feel really strange if my DH wanted to retreat into another room with the door shut.


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## eclipse

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Both my DH and I are also introverts and I still don't understand why the door has to be closed to get privacy. We get plenty of "quiet time" with doors open just by respecting one another's space. I would feel really strange if my DH wanted to retreat into another room with the door shut.

You mentioned that you were an only child - you probably didn't experience siblings coming in and bothering you all the time. Little siblings aren't well know for respecting privacy. And it really isn't privacy, if at any time someone can walk by and see and hear everything you're doing. Even having my mom walk into my room was distracting, being able to hear every last thing that anybody said or did just. . .disturbed my peace. I think you should probably think about what you will do if your children have different privacy needs than you do. It seems unnecessarily controlling and disrespectful to tell anyone (child or not) that they can't set their own boundaries, and that's what this would be doing. Assuming a child is old enough that getting themselves in danger is a concern, I really, really don't understand how it could be unhealthy for them to want to read a book on their bed and play some music with the door shut.


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## limabean

I don't care if they shut their doors, although they usually don't want to. DS sometimes likes to so that he can play without his little sister bothering him.

My knee-jerk thought when I first read the OP was "Yes, but not with friends over," but the more I think about it and remember hanging out with my friends in our rooms with the door shut (99% of the time doing perfectly innocent things), I don't really see myself enforcing an open-door policy unless I feel I need to for some reason.

I do have an open-door policy for the little "secret room" (under-the-stairs closet that we've turned into a dress-up room) downstairs because DD can't open doors by herself yet and I don't want her to a) get shut in there and be unable to get out, or b) be excluded from that room by DS.


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## Linda on the move

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
A healthy reason for allowing doors to be closed. Different people need different amounts of space and privacy. Not allowing them to set physical boundaries (with in certain guidelines like if someone knocks you have to open up) can, I believe, inhibit a child from learning to set non-physical boundaries with others. Privacy isn't evil, or bad, it is just privacy.

totally agree









One of my kids has sensory issues and needs very different things than her sister -- less noise, less chaos, more down time. Not allowing her to go to her room and shut her door would be truly cruel.

We also have pets and shutting doors allows us to control them better.

My family all likes to watch TV more than I do, so sometimes I go to my room and shut the door just so I can read.









We only ever had an issue with one friend one time, and made a rule that when that specific child was over, doors had to be left open. It was about not trusting the other child and not about anything related to my kids.

If my kids' doors are shut, I knock before entering.

My privacy was never respected as a child. Neither were my feelings. I think the two go together.


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## MusicianDad

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
What if your child is an introvert, and just needs time to themselves? What if occaisional "isolation" keeps them from being overwhelmed.











I have a very close friend who needs a chance to "shut out the world" so to speak. She's not isolating herself from her family or anyone else. When she gets overwhelmed though, she literally withdraws from her surroundings. I mean no talking, no eye contact, and quite literally stuck in a state of being able to really respond to anyone around her. She has a sensory disorder, her main way of staying connected to the world around her is shutting the door and having some actual quiet.


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## kittywitty

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Hmmm, well for the record we didn't shut the bathroom door when I was a kid either. So that argument doesn't really fly.

I would pay my kids to shut the door when they're in the bathroom.


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## mammal_mama

Of course it's okay for them to close their doors!


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## Chamomile Girl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
You mentioned that you were an only child - you probably didn't experience siblings coming in and bothering you all the time. Little siblings aren't well know for respecting privacy. And it really isn't privacy, if at any time someone can walk by and see and hear everything you're doing. Even having my mom walk into my room was distracting, being able to hear every last thing that anybody said or did just. . .disturbed my peace. I think you should probably think about what you will do if your children have different privacy needs than you do. It seems unnecessarily controlling and disrespectful to tell anyone (child or not) that they can't set their own boundaries, and that's what this would be doing. Assuming a child is old enough that getting themselves in danger is a concern, I really, really don't understand how it could be unhealthy for them to want to read a book on their bed and play some music with the door shut.


Yes, I am an only child, and also a child of divorce...so in my teenage years I found it very comforting to be able to hear my mom putter around the house.

I find this thread very interesting because I am a huge advocate of respecting people no matter their age. But for some reason this particular issue really does not seem like a healthy family choice to me. One can just as easily read a book and play music with the door open...goodness knows I did enough of this as a kid. Having the door open never really made me feel exposed or whatever. It was just as much my personal space as if the door were closed. Its just that my personal space was not isolated from that of the larger family.

In my experience all the families I have known who allow closed doors have been very dysfunctional in terms of communication. Kid went off to room, closed door, and both kid and family thought good riddance. Nothing important was ever discussed in those families (and in a couple of cases the families were downright abusive which was why the kid was so eager to shut them out). Again this is just from my own experience, with the people I knew growing up. My family on the contrary was very communicative. I guess I had always assumed a link there, between literal open doors and figurative ones.

In terms of blocking out the TV, well that will not be an issue because we are a TV free household.

I guess I don't see a need for privacy within my own family. I will certainly watch my child for his comfort level on this though. I am curious though, do all of you close the doors on rooms other than the bathroom against your DP as well? Does your DP close themselves up in a room for privacy? Or is this just something that kids do in your household?

There seems to be an interesting correlation between this thread and the territorial room thread. Many of you don't allow anyone into your bedrooms without permission (or at all) another concept that I find completely foreign. I don't see what the issue is there either honestly. I don't have anything to hide from my own family, and I don't need any space that is just mine. I guess that is why I am so happy living in a small house.

Food on the other hand is a different matter. You had better not eat something that is mine, or I'll come after ya (RIGHT DH??)!


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## eclipse

*One can just as easily read a book and play music with the door open...goodness knows I did enough of this as a kid.*
One can't just as easily do that if the noise from other people interferes with their concentration, or if the music they're playing is bothering other people.

*Having the door open never really made me feel exposed or whatever. It was just as much my personal space as if the door were closed. Its just that my personal space was not isolated from that of the larger family.* It's not really personal space if you don't have any control over who comes in, when they can come in, or who can see you. It's not private if anyone else in the house can gain instant access to you with no buffer, even if you would prefer that they couldn't.

*In my experience all the families I have known who allow closed doors have been very dysfunctional in terms of communication. Kid went off to room, closed door, and both kid and family thought good riddance. Nothing important was ever discussed in those families (and in a couple of cases the families were downright abusive which was why the kid was so eager to shut them out). Again this is just from my own experience, with the people I knew growing up. My family on the contrary was very communicative. I guess I had always assumed a link there, between literal open doors and figurative ones.*
I honestly think you're reading too much into this. There are plenty of healthy families that allow family members to close their doors if they choose. That's why most bedrooms have doors, no? To be able to close them? And there are plenty of families who are dysfunctional who don't allow their children any privacy. I'll be honest and say that I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of a parent controlling their child in that way - and that it borders on abuse if the child is craving privacy that they are not being allowed.

*I am curious though, do all of you close the doors on rooms other than the bathroom against your DP as well? Does your DP close themselves up in a room for privacy? Or is this just something that kids do in your household?* I don't consider closing a door as "closing a door _against_" someone and stating it that way frames it in an unneccesarily negative way. Sometimes I choose to have time to myself, by myself, and sometimes I close the door because that's what I prefer. If I tell my husband I'd rather be alone than have company, he respects that and doesn't get offended, because he knows that it isn't a reflection on my feelings for him. And sometimes he wants time alone, too. I'm good with that. In any case, I chose to get married and have children and live in a family environment - my kids didn't choose that. They deserve to be able to choose the level of togetherness they prefer.


----------



## Tigerchild

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Hmmm, well for the record we didn't shut the bathroom door when I was a kid either. So that argument doesn't really fly.

Then why did you say you'd be fine if your child shut the door in the bathroom, but that you'd perceive it as cutting off contact with the family if they closed the bedroom door? It's your argument.







I don't get why one would be bothersome and not the other--or if one is fine, the other wouldn't be. It's all about the person deciding what level of privacy they want, isn't it?


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## Tigerchild

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
I guess I don't see a need for privacy within my own family. I will certainly watch my child for his comfort level on this though. I am curious though, do all of you close the doors on rooms other than the bathroom against your DP as well? Does your DP close themselves up in a room for privacy? Or is this just something that kids do in your household?

Yep...when I am working on certain writing projects, I do go to my writing nook and close the door and ask the family for privacy so that I can concentrate. I tried going to a coffee shop, ect...but I found it wasn't MY family going in and out or coming in to talk that was distacting personal to them--I really find it hard to concentrate sometimes with a lot of movement or noise in the background. When my husband is in the middle of tackling some code or debugging, he closes the door to his office as well.

Closing a door can be a part of communication (I don't wish to be disturbed right now). It also can create a space that allows someone to accomplish their task (whatever it might be) and then rejoin the family *more quickly* than it would if they were constantly unintentionally interrupted or they didn't have a signal to themselves that it was time to work on that task.

I really don't understand why you're casting aspersions on people and families who allow their members to communicate a need for private space by closing a door or people who feel that this helps create the space they need on occasion. Really, people who allow their kids to close their doors are horrible parents that must be abusive otherwise the kids wouldn't ever want to close the door? IME working with domestic abuse situations, the opposite is true. Abusive parents/partners often intentionally deny privacy at any cost--it's an easy way to control and dehumanize and "own" another person. They must be seen or easily accessed at all times. But that's not how you feel, or your intent, even though you personally see no need for physical privacy. And most people who allow their children (and spouses) to have physical privacy, even if it's not in a way that they themselves would choose, are NOT horrible awful abusive people from whom their families must escape.


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## Dandelionkid

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 

In my experience all the families I have known who allow closed doors have been very dysfunctional in terms of communication. Kid went off to room, closed door, and both kid and family thought good riddance. Nothing important was ever discussed in those families (and in a couple of cases the families were downright abusive which was why the kid was so eager to shut them out). Again this is just from my own experience, with the people I knew growing up. My family on the contrary was very communicative. I guess I had always assumed a link there, between literal open doors and figurative ones.

Just because this is all you have known doesn't mean it is all that exists







A closed door is just a closed door. It is the intent behind the closing of the door that makes it a healthy action or not. It seems that trust and communication would be actually be enhanced, in a healthy family, if the child could pick for themselves the door position. Would definitely give a child a sense of empowerment over their own privacy and space.


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## MusicianDad

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
I am curious though, do all of you close the doors on rooms other than the bathroom against your DP as well? Does your DP close themselves up in a room for privacy? Or is this just something that kids do in your household?

As a matter of fact... Yes. We do close ourselves up in our "private space". For me it's the basement where the music is. I can play guitar, or sax, or piano all I want and if the door is closed everyone knows to knock (or in the case of DS, everyone knows to knock for him). For DH it is the garage, where his art is. He is in there most days, if the door isn't closed I can go right in, but if it is then I have no problem with knocking first.

We go to our respective spaces if we want to think, or just be alone, or in some cases to cool off in the event of an argument. You'd be surprised how many times we walk away to our private spaces, calm down, and then come together and succeed in working things out. Really, without the ability of us to have some alone time this relationship probably would have died out long ago.

Also know, we have a very functional family. We talk openly about everything, probably more so than many families out there. Heck last night we discussed sexual exploration over dinner because DD had some questions. During the school year DD gives me (and DH if he is there) a run down of her day at school, including but not limited to the soap opera that is the playground/classroom. DH and I take a night ever week to talk after the kids are asleep. And we have all been known to pile onto the big bed and just hang out on a lazy Saturday morning.


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## Tigerchild

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ejg123* 
I'm not against it, per se, just wondering if people are afraid that kids will just generally get into mischief if they have a physical barrier like a door? Or are there concerns with sexual experimentation? Just curious. Something to think about as our boy grows up - I want to give him freedom - but also provide the sorts of boundaries that help children thrive and feel safe... Such a hard balance!

I think kids can get into mischief with or without a barrier; if someone really wants to be 100 percent positive that there will be no mischief-getting-into they're going to need to have sight contact with the kids at all times during a playdate. I do think a lot of people don't like closed door during playdates because of the potential sexual experimentation factor.

At this point in our lives we tend to know the families of the kids over for playdates really well. Many of them have open door policies at home, so it started as a continuation of that, along with me being able to hear any escalating disputes that needed my intervention/help to resolve. If we don't know a family's policy, we do the "open door" until we know either way.

We talked to our kids early on about not touching other kids' privates and remaining dressed on playdates. It's not that I think it would be the end of the world--I don't really care all that much to be honest. HOWEVER--I don't want my kid to be labeled as some kind of predator by an overreacting parent, or put another kid or mine in a position of a parental freakout/shaming episode. It just seemed simpler to talk directly about it and establish behavior expectations. So I don't really have that specific worry (and even if I did it would be pretty silly since I allow the kids to run around on our property when there's no way I can eyeball them every minute even if I can hear them all the time). I respect that others do though. I may not agree with their fear, but it's simple enough to just respect their need for open doors during the playdate--and the kids just don't care.

I think that will change as the kids move into puberty though. That seems a more acceptible time for closed doors to a lot of people I've noticed--though I think it's kind of funny because it's not like there's not another spike in exploration then too.


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## LynnS6

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Maybe its because I am an only child, and I grew up in a family without any abuse, but I honestly don't understand why my kid should want to shut himself off from his family?

So no. I don't see myself allowing a shut door, because I can't see any healthy reason for it.

I grew up in a family with 4 siblings. I am very sound sensitive. Trying to read while someone is playing a radio in another room drives me batty. Why should they have to turn off their radio? I'll just close the door. I've got 2 kids. Sometimes I need to close the door to take a nap or to reduce the sound. If I'm grading papers at home, I sometimes flee to my room and shut the door.

Shutting a door is not unhealthy. It's also quite cultural. Some family cultures are different. (In Germany, for example, this would never be a discussion. It's clear that the door is closed.) In my family, closing the door was a way to signal I wanted to be left alone. How is someone going to know to respect my space if the door is open?

I don't see anything unhealthy in seeking out a place to be alone.


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## odenata

My DD and DS share a room. My DD (5) can close the door to the room if she wants time alone. When DS (18 months) is in there, the door can't be closed for safety concerns. Once those are past, he will be able to do so as well.

I am someone who really needs time alone to feel mentally healthy, and so I respect that my children may need that as well. Especially that DD may need space from DS.

Growing up, that privacy meant a lot to me.

Chamomile Girl - if your children do want to close the door, I'm curious - how will you address it?


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## mammal_mama

Chamomile Girl,

I can see how if it was just you and your mom in the house, you probably felt like you had all the personal space you needed and there wasn't any need to close a door to get that.

Growing up in a two-child family, with a younger brother who (from age 6 or so) was pretty much absorbed in his own independent pursuits such as playing sports with his friends, I always felt like I had all the personal space I wanted without ever needing to "protect" it in any way, such as by closing a door.

I also had a lot of fears of monsters and ghosts and spooky stuff, and simply felt safer when my door was open and I could hear other activity going on in the house. My brother, in contrast, preferred closing his door.

I'm still more inclined to leave doors open than to close them. I don't see anything dysfunctional in my preference, nor do I see anything dysfunctional in others' preference for sometimes closing a door.


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## Chamomile Girl

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
Then why did you say you'd be fine if your child shut the door in the bathroom, but that you'd perceive it as cutting off contact with the family if they closed the bedroom door? It's your argument.







I don't get why one would be bothersome and not the other--or if one is fine, the other wouldn't be. It's all about the person deciding what level of privacy they want, isn't it?

No that's not my argument at all actually. What I said was that we currently shut the bathroom door only because otherwise people out on the street can watch you pee. Family is one thing, random college students another.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
I honestly think you're reading too much into this. There are plenty of healthy families that allow family members to close their doors if they choose. That's why most bedrooms have doors, no? Most bedroom have doors because the buildings reflect the predominate culture. That does not mean it is right for everybody. Most babies in Western culture have their own bedrooms, but that doesn't mean co-sleeping is unnatural.

'll be honest and say that I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of a parent controlling their child in that way - and that it borders on abuse if the child is craving privacy that they are not being allowed.
I think strong communication would determine if a child's needs are not being met, and then the family would go from there. I just don't see why the default ought to be 'closed is ok'.

In any case, I chose to get married and have children and live in a family environment - my kids didn't choose that. They deserve to be able to choose the level of togetherness they prefer. That is a very good point.



Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
I really don't understand why you're casting aspersions on people and families who allow their members to communicate a need for private space by closing a door or people who feel that this helps create the space they need on occasion. Really, people who allow their kids to close their doors are horrible parents that must be abusive otherwise the kids wouldn't ever want to close the door?

I'm not 'casting aspirations' on anyone. I am only referencing my personal experience with families I grew up with. I know very few families with children now, and I have no idea how any of them finesse the privacy issue.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *odenata* 
Chamomile Girl - if your children do want to close the door, I'm curious - how will you address it?

I don't know. I have not thought about it until today. In fact I did not even realize that my family's situation was unusual until I read this thread.

I think it would depend on why they wanted to close the door. I was talking to my DH about this just a little while ago. In his house growing up he lived in his room with the door shut because he did not want to have to interact with his family in any way. And you know his family is totally dysfunctional when it comes to communication. They do not speak with one another about important things...especially negative or difficult things. I mean DH never even got a sex talk growing up because his folks weren't up to it (other than the "premarital sex is against god" crap he got from the very very conservative church he attended.). My poor DH sees the relationship he is forming with DS as something he has to create from scratch because he has no real model from his folks to base it on. Part of the reason why is that they are all such private people...and were allowed to isolate themselves so much from one another... it has crippled their family relationships.

But although DH agrees that closing the door certainly contributed to this dysfunctional, he points out that it was a symptom not a cause.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
Chamomile Girl,

I can see how if it was just you and your mom in the house, you probably felt like you had all the personal space you needed and there wasn't any need to close a door to get that.

I also had a lot of fears of monsters and ghosts and spooky stuff, and simply felt safer when my door was open and I could hear other activity going on in the house. My brother, in contrast, preferred closing his door.

I'm still more inclined to leave doors open than to close them. I don't see anything dysfunctional in my preference, nor do I see anything dysfunctional in others' preference for sometimes closing a door.

You know, I had lots of fears of monsters and such too growing up, and even now I too feel safer with the door open. Its a good point about feeling like I have/had personal space regardless because of the limited number of people in my house. I also like having the front and back doors open as well. Of course since my cat brought a live rat in last week the back door no longer remains open. Sadly.

My mom was always the one who insisted on having the doors open. I wonder if it was a rule when she was growing up?. She was one of eight kids in a two-bedroom house, so if it was a rule it was probably to protect everyone from eachother.


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## wendybird

Huh, I am actually surprised that some of you feel so strongly about this.
We have a no closed doors policy, not really stated but everyone lives it. The exceptions are if the bigger kids are playing legos or board games and the littles will be a risk of upsetting that. No closed doors when friends are over.That is really the only time I have had to make an issue of it...some of the kids friends seem very intent on closing the doors. If there are multiple kids in a room I don't see a closed door as giving privacy anyhow, so open they stay. I am not super intrusive, the kids play just fine with the doors open. We also keep bedrooms to sleep in. Toys(other than said legos) are in a large,open playroom. No door available  .
None of my kids are introverts. If they felt that they needed more privacy I would work with them to get some. Gavin likes quiet to read...I will let him go in my room and he is happy...the door stays open, but it is quieter. We have a swallows nest swing that provides a quiet secluded place that the kids love to swing in. There are plenty of opportunities for them to be alone should they want it(they definitely crave each others company!)
We all brush our teeth in the same big bathroom, we all share bedrooms, we eat together, watch tv together, play together. Yeah...it bothers no one here to have doors open.
So...all that and I would change my "rule" in a heartbeat if it was beneficial to the children and they needed it. They don't, we are all adjusted and happy. They aren't missing out at all.


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## GuildJenn

I'm so surprised people think shutting a door is somehow anti-communicative. It's just a door. Fire barrier at night, sound barrier by day. Also, the way our house is configured we have a door between the living room and the bedrooms (it's a bungalow) and we keep it shut because it keeps the bedrooms cooler and the A/C bills down.

In my family growing up the rule was "knock" - and we did.









The cats are the biggest objectors to closed doors in my house.









My husband's office doesn't have a door but mine does and I close it, but he's welcome to come in anytime.


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## alicia622

DS has always been able to shut his door. He doesn't have a lock on his door so that's not an issue anyway. I don't let him play in his room with kids though because the last couple of times we tried that he and his friend snuck into my room and the other time he and his cousin were playing doctor a little too intensely.

I always knock on the door before entering if he has it shut. DS is almost 5.


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## ollyoxenfree

Shutting a door is not pathological.

It isn't unhealthy.

It doesn't reflect an unnatural alienation, shutting off, isolation or dysfunctional communication in a family.

One could easily say that always needing to hear and see what everyone else is doing reflects an obsessive dependence on others, a fear of being alone, an unhealthy intrusiveness into the affairs of others, paranoia, and stalking behaviour.

Or just the ultimate in nosiness.

Of course, one would be wrong to apply these descriptors to everyone who wants/needs doors in the family home to be open always. Just as one would be wrong to say that doors closed is unhealthy and dysfunctional.


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## ollyoxenfree

I'm wondering how broadly the "doors always open" folks apply this rule? Who gets included?

A friend of mine married the man she had been dating for a few years. After the honeymoon, she reported that her new family was a "doors open" family - even with the bathroom. They didn't close the door, even while using the toilet. Now that she was one of the family, they routinely walked into the bathroom while she was in there showering, etc.

I suppose it showed how completely they accepted her into the family, but personally, I'd prefer just a speech at the wedding at the reception.


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## JayGee

Close yes. Lock no. Luckily we have those little master keys to get in if the doors do get locked. I'm sure as they get older, the stance will be revised. They also all sleep with closed doors.


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## loraxc

Quote:

Maybe its because I am an only child, and I grew up in a family without any abuse, but I honestly don't understand why my kid should want to shut himself off from his family? To isolate himself from the rest of us...it seems very alienating to me.
Goodness. My DD (6) goes into her room and closes her door fairly often because she is a major bookworm and her younger brother (2) is noisy as all get-out and like to climb on her and get her in her space and try to get her attention. She also goes in and plays elaborate games with little tiny toys that he is too little to participate in. In fact, he isn't allowed in her room without a grown-up because it's full of art materials and chokables.

They have a great relationship and dote on each other, but she is very much allowed to have space from him. I encourage it, and have since he was an infant learning to crawl. Of course he can have space from her too, but he doesn't seem to want it (yet).

Also, I am sort of surprised that I am in the minority about allowing playdates with closed doors. I didn't allow this at 3, but at 6? I respect their space.


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## mama_ani

My children can close their doors as soon as they can open them again... so all of mine do except the 2yo.
Only one of the bedrooms has a lock and it's only on one of the doors to the room so yes, the girls in that room can lock their door. The girls in there are 15 and almost 14.


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## velochic

Dd is an only, 8 yo. Yes, she can close the door and spend as much time alone as she wants to. In our old house, the doors don't even latch, let alone lock. We respect dd's privacy and knock first. Only a couple of times has she said, "Just a second!" I have given her that "second" when she needs it, without asking why. Even at 8 she has a right to privacy.

It's curious to me that there are people who do not require ANY alone time at all and this thread has been enlightening. I truly thought that everyone, as part of human nature, needed some time for themselves... to think, do a hobby, read, whatever. The thought of never having any time to myself almost frightens me. I REQUIRE some alone time a couple times a month. Usually it's to finish a good book that I'm working on, but sometimes it's just to meditate or journal. I'm the only one in the house that doesn't have her own space, so perhaps privacy means something more to me because I don't have it. Dh has his office, dd has her bedroom, and my mom has her suite. There is no place for me to go in my own home to be by myself, in my own space, so I am probably hyper aware of letting others have theirs... including dd.


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## hildare

we're probably years away from this as a question, but:
to me, autonomy of a child would involve deciding whether or not to close her/his own door and when. i honestly don't see the need to question that. it's not an all or nothing situation, either.. if the kid wants to be involved with family activities and finds out that a closed door prohibits that, then the kid will open the door.
to me, it seems puzzling why people would not allow the doors to be open/closed upon the child's desire. is this a trust issue? a respect issue?
i think the expectations we'll have in place is that in our house, if a door is closed, one must knock before coming in. for EVERYONE. i know sometimes i like to shut my door, and i'd expect the kid to knock just as i would were the situations reversed.
when i was a child, i was not allowed to shut my door and i didn't have a doorknob. my parents were VERY controlling and authoritarian, and it signaled to me that i didn't have ownership of myself at all. i am still not sure what they thought i would be doing in there that would be so terrible, but whatever it was, if i couldn't do it in my own space, i would be sure to find somewhere to pursue the scandalous activity, so all that did was:
let me know i didn't have respect/control of my own life & teach me to be sneaky..
but, again, all kids are different. this is just the luggage i bring into our family relations based on experience and my values..


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## JavaJunkie

Closed doors are fine in this house. The oldest closes his door most often...usually to keep the baby from coming in and climbing all over him while he's playing a game. LOL When the oldest three go in the toy room to play a game, they'll close the door to keep the baby from coming in and destroying their elaborate setup(they usually don't play "regular" games, they make up their own). If any of them have friends over, which is rarely and usually cousins that visit, they have to shut the door to whatever room they are in, in order to, yep, you guessed it, keep the baby from coming in. LOL This is often MY requirement for them, because I don't want the baby eating any small pieces that they have out, and I want them to have fun without worrying about her messing up their stuff.


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## Hoopin' Mama

Closed doors are fine here, although I prefer to sleep with all bedroom doors open. That is rooted in the fact that we've been burgled twice, and I want to hear ANYTHING that goes bump in the night. And I want the dog, who sleeps next to our bed, to have access to the whole house. He foiled our second burgulary. Love that dog









Ds is 5. It's rare for him to close the door, but I allow it. If a friend is over, a closed door is fine, but I will check in. How frequently I check in depends on the playmate. If a whole family is over and there is a younger sibling, then I ask for doors open so a little one can be heard playing.

A dysfunctional family living in a closed-door house -- well, that's a family issue, not a door issue.

When I retire to my room at night to read, I close the door. I am noise sensitive and prefer silence. Dh opens the door when he comes to bed. I'm fairly certain he doesn't think I'm shutting myself off to him. Although, there have been times at the end of the day that I am so burned out by the time dh gets home from work at 8pm, that I say good night and shut my door, and dh knows by my body language that I need time alone. I'm an introvert. If ds decides that he needs to tell me some new random fact, dh will tell him that Mommy is resting right now. I don't see this as unhealthy, I am allowed an hour to myself from time to time.

Also, ummm, don't adolescents start to masturbate at some point?? Because it seems to me I was kind of young when that started


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## treeoflife3

my little one is almost 17 months old and if she could open the door, I'd let her close it. As it is, she does close it sometimes just because she thinks it is funny and sometimes she starts yelling right away for me and sometimes I hear her playing and laughing so I take my time to go reopen it for her.

I believe in privacy. I will also always knock once she is old enough to open and close her door all on her own. My mom never did that for me. REFUSED to knock even though I was required to knock. Would yell at me for closing my door because then I couldn't hear her if she yelled for me even though I was always required to go to her and not yell for her. I felt very disrespected for years and the victim of hypocracy and 'I'm the adult' syndrom. I won't do that to my daughter.

I keep her bedroom safe. She can absolutely be in there alone with the worst thing happening is she throws all her diapers and books everywhere. It is her room and it wouldn't make sense for me to not have it be a sanctuary and totally safe and welcoming for her.

However, I will not allow locking the door. I worry that something might happen where she would NEED me to open the door and I couldn't. I don't feel this is unfair though as I have a strict knocking policy. She doesn't NEED to lock her door because I won't come in until she says 'come in.' haha I actually already knock on her door. She thinks its hilarious when I knock and she likes to knock now too to copy. No problems here


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## treeoflife3

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Oooooh...I'm actually surprised by the responses here. My kid is still little, but I feel very, very uncomfortable with the thought of allowing him to close the door when he is older. Like a PP I also grew up in a house where closing doors was not allowed, and I don't recall that it ever bothered me. I like being able to always hear what is going on in my general space and by closing the door (or by my kid closing his door) that becomes impossible.

Maybe its because I am an only child, and I grew up in a family without any abuse, but I honestly don't understand why my kid should want to shut himself off from his family? To isolate himself from the rest of us...it seems very alienating to me. I can't imagine ever wanting to do the same (with the exception of in the bathroom, but that is just because if you don't close the door people can look through the living room window and see you pot squating).

So no. I don't see myself allowing a shut door, because I can't see any healthy reason for it.

It isn't a matter of isolation, just of privacy. It was especially frustrating having people barging into my room whenever they wanted when I was discovering masturbation. I also couldn't wrap presents for my family easily because they could just come in whenever and see me doing it ruining the surprise.

I loved being able to close my door, not to hide from my family, but just their noise if I was reading. it is definitely possible to allow children to close doors without going to the extreme of 'they are always isolated and we have no relationship.'

what a closed door can mean I think depends a lot more on the relationship they already have (you can create a great one without taking away privacy) and the personalities of the people on either side of the door. Some people need quiet and some people just want to be involved with it all.

I know for me, I need some time alone and quiet. DP and I even knock on the door sometimes if the other is in the bedroom alone with the door completely closed. its just a matter of respecting different needs.


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## VillageMom6

We've always had an open door/closed door/locked door/everything's okay policy until this summer.

Hubby and I woke up around 2:30am from the tornado sirens going off. Some quick t.v. watching alerted us to the fact that a tornado was spotted near our town.

We raced to the children's rooms to wake them up and get them into the basement. Our oldest child (15 year old boy) had his door locked... and is a deep sleeper.

It took a minute or two of frantic knocking to get him to wake up. It was truly one of the scariest moments of my life. My child was in danger and I couldn't get to him.

From now on our policy is No Locked Doors. It could be deadly. Everyone must knock and wait for an answer before entering a closed door, however.


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## Mama Mko

We're fine with closed doors. I encourage my son to go into the bathroom and shut the door if he needs some privacy.


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## MeepyCat

Quote:

(with the exception of in the bathroom, but that is just because if you don't close the door people can look through the living room window and see you pot squating).
This is what drapes are for. Because what happens in my living room is not intended for the entertainment of whoever passes by, and moreover, I do not want to wind up exposing myself or my kids to view on the street because someone's throwing up in there, or the newly potty-trained require assistance, or we turn out to be out of TP.

On the original question - My kids are too young to shut their doors, we do it for them to keep the cats out when they're trying to sleep. I shut my door when I want some space, DH does the same, we can knock each other up when we need to.

The conversation is reminding me of the chapter in Lois Lowry's _Anastasia_, where Anastasia writes her first poem. She has a glass of orange juice with ice cubes, and puts on her Red Sox cap, and hangs the "do not disturb" sign on her door. When her mom comes by and asks if she's okay, Anastasia tells her (through the door), that she's working on a poem, and her mom says the same thing she says when Anastasia's dad works on poems, and leaves her be. I love that chapter, because it's about Anastasia claiming space and privacy for adult creative work, and her parents are so sweet and supportive about it.


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## Alyantavid

Yes they can close their doors at any time. We have a rule that you don't enter someone's room without permission too. They never have friends in their rooms (or rarely anyways) because all their toys are in the playroom. The playroom is upstairs, the bedrooms downstairs and they really have no reason to take friends down there.

Their bedroom doors don't lock and we have a no locked doors policy anyways. My kids are 4 and 8.


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## nola79

Yes. My son can close his door, but not lock it. Just due to safety issues, I don't want him locking his door because if something were to happen, I wouldn't be able to get to him. (not that he wants to lock his door often, but if he gets upset sometimes he'll go to his room and hence the no lock rule)


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## Storm Bride

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
I think it would depend on why they wanted to close the door.

But, shouldn't the person wanting privacy be the one to determine if privacy is warranted? What if, when your ds is older, he wants to close his door so he can masturbate? He may not want to tell you that's why, but it's a perfectly normal, healthy valid reason to want some privacy. (I have to assume that ds1 has been doing so for several years at this point, but he doesn't talk to me about that. He talks to me about lots of stuff...his girlfriends, his social life, his interests, etc. But, he doesn't talk to me about his sexuality. Other families are different, but I don't think a teenage boy maintaining his own privacy about his sexuality is unhealthy, yk?)

There are lots of reasons a person might want to close a door for a while, and some of them are things they may not want to talk about...or even be able to verbalize. When I'd had a certain kind of bad day at school, I always wanted privacy when I got home. I felt as though people had been staring at me all day, and I just wanted (needed) to be alone and not on display (my family of origin were/are very special to me...but they're still people). I don't think I could have put it into words at that age, but I still needed it.

Quote:

I was talking to my DH about this just a little while ago. In his house growing up he lived in his room with the door shut because he did not want to have to interact with his family in any way. And you know his family is totally dysfunctional when it comes to communication. They do not speak with one another about important things...especially negative or difficult things. I mean DH never even got a sex talk growing up because his folks weren't up to it (other than the "premarital sex is against god" crap he got from the very very conservative church he attended.). My poor DH sees the relationship he is forming with DS as something he has to create from scratch because he has no real model from his folks to base it on. Part of the reason why is that they are all such private people...and were allowed to isolate themselves so much from one another... it has crippled their family relationships.
It sounds as though the commnication in your dh's family was already messed up. If he was isolating himself all the time, because he didn't want to and/or couldn't interact with his family members, then it sounds as though the closed door isolation was a symptom, not a cause. I went through a period in my teens when I was upstairs in my room, with the door closed, quite a bit. But, I still talked to my family, and interacted with my family, and talked about difficult things (and I got lots of sex talks, starting when I was a very small child, just as I've done with my kids).

Quote:

My mom was always the one who insisted on having the doors open. I wonder if it was a rule when she was growing up?. She was one of eight kids in a two-bedroom house, so if it was a rule it was probably to protect everyone from eachother.
See, if this was a rule that worked for you, that's fine. For some people, that would have been very difficult to deal with. Your mom's decision about what level of privacy _you_ required turned out to be in step with what level you actually did require. That's not always the case. A rule requiring that doors are left open can be very unfair to the kids. It can even be part of a pattern of abuse. It worked for you...but would your mom have changed it if it hadn't?

Oh - and yes, I do close the door "against" (what an incredibly adversarial way to phrase it) dh sometimes. He can knock on the door and come in if he wants to. I'm not isolating myself. I just like my own space. DH and I don't have any "personal" space in this place. We just have our shared bedroom. So, we create personal space, by closing the door.


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## mamazee

I can't imagine making a rule to keep the door open. It has never occurred to me and isn't something I'd make a rule about.


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## eclipse

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
But, shouldn't the person wanting privacy be the one to determine if privacy is warranted? What if, when your ds is older, he wants to close his door so he can masturbate? He may not want to tell you that's why, but it's a perfectly normal, healthy valid reason to want some privacy. (I have to assume that ds1 has been doing so for several years at this point, but he doesn't talk to me about that. He talks to me about lots of stuff...his girlfriends, his social life, his interests, etc. But, he doesn't talk to me about his sexuality. Other families are different, but I don't think a teenage boy maintaining his own privacy about his sexuality is unhealthy, yk?)

There are lots of reasons a person might want to close a door for a while, and some of them are things they may not want to talk about...or even be able to verbalize. When I'd had a certain kind of bad day at school, I always wanted privacy when I got home. I felt as though people had been staring at me all day, and I just wanted (needed) to be alone and not on display (my family of origin were/are very special to me...but they're still people). I don't think I could have put it into words at that age, but I still needed it.


Absolutely all of this - there are many reasons that someone might want to be alone that they might not want to tell you about, or not be able to tell you about. As long as the reason isn't dangerous (like they're doing drugs or hurting themselves in some way, I don't think it's really anyone's business _why_.

The lack of ability to comfortably explore one's sexuality is one of the big issues I have with the idea of a "no closed doors" rule. I shared a room with my mother until I was 14 (originally by choice, as we coslept, and then out of necessity because there weren't enough rooms in my home) and let me tell you - that really sucked in the "exploring yourself sexually" department. As it is, when my four year old can't stop touching his penis, I tell him he's welcome to touch it all he wants in the privacy of his own room (or bathroom, as long as no one else wants to use it!). I don't think I'd be able to do that if I had a no closed doors policy - because he wouldn't be able to be in privacy. DS2 and DD share a bedroom, but we still have a "knock before entering" policy if one of them is in there alone with the door closed.

In any case, I personally can't imagine leaving my bedroom door open at all times. I think it would be disrrespectful to my kids for them to wander in while dh and I are having sex, which is exactly what would happen - you can see the bed from the door. They probably would be embarassed, and I sure as heck couldn't relax and have fun if I thought that at any second they could walk in on us. Do the no closed doors people leave their doors open during sex? Should teenagers leave the door open while masturbating?


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## CherryBomb

Of course they can, I can't think of any reason why they shouldn't be allowed to shut their door. Whether or not they can shut the door when a friend is over really depends on who the friend is.

We have a small house (soon to be 6 of us in 1K sq ft) and it would be horrible if I didn't allow shut doors, for them and dh and I both!


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## hookahgirl

sure they can close their doors!

. You may want them to close the door at some time so they can just chill out. Sitting alone with your thoughts is a great way to get connected with yourself, and I think everyone is entitled to that!

And unfortunately, just because you are "family" doesnt mean your kids are gonna like you, plain and simple.


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## Arduinna

I find the requirement that doors always be open to be really controlling and unhealthy. Especially when using the bathroom or changing clothes. Respect needs to go both ways. You may want to know every single thing happening in your home with your kids but man if they can't even change clothes or go to the bathroom without being observed that is not normal.


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## EdnaMarie

Yes, if only the three-year-old is in there. Not if the baby is, because I need to hear the baby. But of course, you're not asking about babies.







I just mean, even if they're there together but I would hope that would be a no-brainer.


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## ashleyhaugh

i dont let my almost 3 year old shut doors simply because im worried he'll lock himself in and i'll have to break down a door, lol...

when hes older, i'll have no problems being in his room with the door shut. the friend policy will depend on the friends, lol..


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## Drummer's Wife

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I can't imagine making a rule to keep the door open. It has never occurred to me and isn't something I'd make a rule about.


same here.

My kids are 3, 5, 7, and 9 - and I guess it just hasn't come up or been an issue. They don't really like to play in their rooms (or even sleep in them some nights), so the main time they really close their doors, so far, is when they are upset and don't want to be bothered. Seems like the perfect time to want to keep people out. My DD (the oldest) - I do sometimes make her close her door if it is late at night and she has her best friend spending the night. They get loud and giggly, so I will ask her to shut it to buffer the sound a bit for those who are already asleep.


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## Llyra

My prohibition on closing doors when a friend is over mostly stem from two incidents-- one where my friend's daughter, the same age as my twins, emptied DD1's piggy bank, put the money in DD's CD player, and then turned it on, so that it doesn't work anymore. They were in there less than five minutes. So no friends behind closed doors for the younger two, until their friends are old enough to have more sense.

And I won't let DD1 have friends behind a closed door mostly because she's timid, and a few times she's had friends over, and the friends have overstepped DD's privacy boundaries by doing things like going through her drawers and her jewelry box, and DD hasn't had the language and the assertiveness to communicate that she wanted them to leave that stuff alone. So the prohibition is mostly so I can keep half an ear on what's going on, and step in and help DD if she runs into that kind of issue again. She's younger than most of her friends, and has a little trouble keeping up sometimes.

So probably that prohibition will only last a few years, until the kids are older. I trust my kids just fine, but not the friends.

The issue of sex exploration never crossed my mind-- I'm sure it'll happen, at some point. I can remember doing stuff like that with the neighbor's kids-- harmless stuff like I'll show you yours if you show me mine. The best thing to do about that, I think, is to make sure I keep the lines of communication open with the kids, so that if something happens that doesn't feel just harmless, they will be able to tell about it.

And yeah--- how in the heck is a kid supposed to learn about masturbation if (s)he's never allowed to close the door? I always kinda thought that parents who prohibited closed doors were specifically TRYING to prevent masturbation, and I would never want to do that. I would LOVE it if DS would close his door when he's doing that-- I can't wait for the Age of Bodily Modesty to arrive in this house.


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## Linda on the move

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
I found it very comforting to be able to hear my mom putter around the house.

.... But for some reason this particular issue really does not seem like a healthy family choice to me. One can just as easily read a book and play music with the door open...goodness knows I did enough of this as a kid.

I suggest that you open yourself to the possibility that your child is a different person from you and may have different wants/needs as they get older. Expecting, and then demanding, that our child desires to live the same way we do is unhealthy.

The more people living in a space, the loud any of those people are, the stronger their personalities, the more need for each person to, the more likely that some of them may want a break from time to time.

Quote:

In my experience all the families I have known who allow closed doors have been very dysfunctional in terms of communication. Kid went off to room, closed door, and both kid and family thought good riddance. Nothing important was ever discussed in those families
But lots of AP families right here are telling the opposite is their situation.









We spent the day hiking and picnicking yesterday. We eat dinner together most nights and talk. We all shut doors when we feel like it.

Having a little time to one's self doesn't mean that we don't spend time together, or that the quality of the time spent together is poor. We just like variety.


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## gaudynight

The older kids, yes. But they can't shut each other out of their shared room and I don't like doors shut when friends are over for a dozen reasons.

Otherwise it's never occurred to me to ban closing the door.


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## mamazee

Quote:

I think strong communication would determine if a child's needs are not being met, and then the family would go from there. I just don't see why the default ought to be 'closed is ok'.
I just want to touch on this one bit, because it's an area where I have a strong opinion. My opinion is that the default ought to be that anything is OK. Really. If there's a reason to do otherwise, fine, but I think that there has to be a reason to enact a rule, not a reason to not have a rule.


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## Ceinwen

My seven year old can go into any room and close the door if she wishes. Usually it's because she needs to keep out her two year old sister (if she's playing something her sister will destroy) or for privacy. Our bedroom doors don't have locks.

I believe she was around age four when she first started doing this.

My two year old would not be allowed in a room with the door closed (w/o me) because she is a whirling dervish, and closed doors around here = a toddler up to no good.


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## confustication

I have an eight year old with TONS of little/fragile typical eight year old toys. Her door is closed by default as she has two younger siblings who would get into everything, and for whom her toys aren't necessarily safe.

Additionally, she's a kid who likes space and quiet time just for herself. It wouldn't be fair to her to effectively force her to interact with the family all the time.

If the boys begin bothering her stuff and fail to respect her door being a boundary, I will happily install a lock (and keep a key so I can ensure her safety, of course) it just doesn't seem right to me that her private space/stuff be open to everyone and anyone in the family.


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## CatsCradle

Yes, everyone in this space is allowed to close a door if they need to. Sometimes I feel like a broken record here (as I say this a lot here at MDC), but we live in a one bedroom apartment in a city of 8 million people. If people in my family need to shut the door...then I totally understand! Sometimes a closed door means "aloneness." I dig that. If DD needs a moment or an hour to be alone...good for her. Today I locked myself in the bathroom just to be alone for five minutes. Maybe it would be different if we lived out on the range or a place where we could take a walk in the woods. Here, it's people central.


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## choli

I can't imagine distrusting my kids to the point that I would fear a closed door.


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## lilyka

When my children were younger we had an open door policy. They were allowed to close them to draw on them but not as a general rule (there are chalkboards on the back of a door). They also shared rooms but mostly it was so I would know what was going on and could hear them playing. They were never allowed to play where I could not see/hear them. Gradually as they got older and more trustworthy I allowed them to begin closing their doors in some circumstances. It also helped when they each had their own bedroom.....bad things happened when I was not watching them closely.

Now they are older (14, 10 and 7) and can close their door but still not while friends are over. There is nothing in their room that they can get in trouble with. All the internet hooked up computers are in our open dining room.


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## waiting2bemommy

I just wrote a really long reply and it disappeared....grrrr.

Anyway thank you all for all your insight/discussion.

Ds is 2.5 and lately has been getting more into the whole privacy thing. Lately when he gets upset about something, or gets in trouble, he will run to his room and close the door. I figure that he needs time by himself to work through his feelings, which is fine with me. Also when he is really into playing he will sometimes shut his door and say "don't bother me" lol. I still check in on him (he can be mischievious so if it gets too quiet my radar goes up) but I prefer to send the message that I respect his privacy and his space, and that I trust him to behave, unless he proves otherwise.

i was raised in a house where you were presumed guilty until proven inoccent, or else you were bound to get into trouble if you hadn't already, so I was not allowed to close my door until my late teens, and never lock it, even the bathroom. My mom never knocked, either, so there was truly no privacy. I hated the feeling that I was never truly "safe" from prying eyes, even if I just wanted to read a book or do my hair or freaking scratch my big toe, it had to be "supervised." ds isn't allowed to close his door or go to the bathroom alone at grandma's, but he doesn't seem to care since when he's over there he generally wants to be around everyone, so I don't make it an issue yet. I just found it very bizarre when several people, not just my mom, on finding out that ds can shut his door at will, said to me, "what if he starts playing with himself?"

i'm not quite sure yet where I stand on doors closed with friends over. I think it would depend on who the friend is. I can think of two kids who I wouldn't shut up in a room with the hamster, let alone my kid, but also several who I trust completely.

this is a really interesting discussion. It's interesting how for some people, open doors = boundary violation, while for others closed doors=dysfunctional family. I wonder how much of it comes from background and how much is personality.


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## MusicianDad

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting2bemommy* 
I just found it very bizarre when several people, not just my mom, on finding out that ds can shut his door at will, said to me, "what if he starts playing with himself?"

I've had that question in relation to DD having alone time before. My default answer is "well good for her. She needs to know how it works after all." That just throws them for a loop.


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## phathui5

When it's just us, the kids are allowed to close their doors. The doors don't have locks on them.

When friends are over, the doors have to at least stay open partway.


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## odenata

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting2bemommy* 
this is a really interesting discussion. It's interesting how for some people, open doors = boundary violation, while for others closed doors=dysfunctional family. I wonder how much of it comes from background and how much is personality.

I'd also be curious to know how much is cultural.

MusicianDad - great answer!


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## odenata

Also, curious - for those who don't allow the door shut when friends are over (but do otherwise), why is that?


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## MissMaegie'sMama

DS is 11, DD1 is 4.5, and DD2 is almost 2. So yes, DS shuts his door... the poor kid needs a break from his sisters every now and then! We don't let DS "hang out" with his friends in his room. We have a large rec room in the basement, so there's no need for him to entertain his friends in his bedroom. DS' room is for sleeping and private pursuits. It's HIS space. I always knock before going in. As far as what he does in there, well... as an 11-year-old, I frequently find him absentmindedly feeling "himself" while he reads or watches TV. l remind him "Hey, I don't care if you do that, but take it in your room, man!" Always good for a laugh!

DDs can shut their door, but my rule is that they must answer it when I knock. If they don't answer the door within 10 seconds or so, I open the door to check on them. At that age, if a kid doesn't answer the door it's probably because she's coloring all over her legs with a Sharpie!


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## madskye

Quote:


Originally Posted by *waiting2bemommy* 

this is a really interesting discussion. It's interesting how for some people, open doors = boundary violation, while for others closed doors=dysfunctional family. I wonder how much of it comes from background and how much is personality.


We have 9 month old black lab. DD needs to close her door to play with Polly Pockets on the floor or they'd be eaten up by the pooch. No real "rule" about it here or too much thought into it. But, now that I'm reading the thread--I don't completely agree with Chamomile Girl's interesting thoughts on what closed doors equal BUT--I can see how a closed door could be undesirable. How, if my 5 year old turns into a 9 year old who is shut tight in her room all the time that that could be sad and bear some discussion in our own family about why she wants to get away from us that much.

I grew up in a closed door house, and spent a lot of time alone in my room with the door closed and in hindsight--it might have been better to interact with my family more. Everyone needs privacy sometimes, absolutely! But there can be too much isolation too.


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## AllyRae

Quote:


Originally Posted by *odenata* 
Also, curious - for those who don't allow the door shut when friends are over (but do otherwise), why is that?

Well, until they moved out, the only kids in the neighborhood were a 9 year old girl and a 6 year old girl, and so that's who DS (almost 7) would have over to play. And I'm *not* going to get the reputation for allowing tween mixed gender playgroups to happen behind closed doors.









But to those that said closed doors = dysfunctional family...that is just about the weirdest thing I've ever heard of. Everyone deserves privacy. And older siblings deserve time away from the younger siblings (I was the oldest of many and hated the fact that my space was always allowed to be intruded upon by younger siblings. I couldn't even go have 20 minutes to play with my own stuff or just chill out without having someone else come in to disrupt me). Also, DS's stuff has very small parts, of which would cause the younger children to choke, so DS knows to keep his small toys in his room and if he wants to take them out of the shelf and the other children are wandering around the upstairs, he should shut his door so they can't get in and destroy it.

It's not like he's locking himself in his room for the day. But I fail to see anything wrong with going up to one's room for 30 minutes, closing the door, and having a break.

ETA: And to the poster who thinks that closing doors is the ultimate in disattached parenting... There is an attachment style called "enmeshment"--people are so intertwined that there are no boundaries what so ever. There is no privacy and "no secrets" is taken to an extreme. People can't even use the restroom in peace. Everyone is constantly in the affairs of every other person. It's an unhealthy attachment style where people can't live without knowing what every other person is doing at any moment. A little bit of privacy and respecting boundaries is the sign of HEALTHY attachment. Of course, it can go the other way where everything is a boundary and there is no communication or togetherness. But a child shutting the door for 30 minutes? That's a perfectly healthy, normal part of attachment.


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## mamazee

I think closed doors could make a dysfunctional family more dysfunctional. On the other hand, open doors could make a dysfunctional family more dysfunctional too. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and having open doors would not have helped the dysfunction but would have come at a price of my sanity. I needed my closed door!


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## Cukup

Yes but no locking-only bathroom and toilet doors have locks and the no locking is just a safety issue.


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## Linda on the move

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
*My opinion is that the default ought to be that anything is OK. Really.* If there's a reason to do otherwise, fine, but I think that there has to be a reason to enact a rule, not a reason to not have a rule.


I completely agree. I believe that all humans are best off making their own choices to the greatest degree possible. Some times as I parent I've found it necessary to limit my children's freedom, but I do so as seldom as a possible can, and I do it very mindfully.

I would never limit my children's freedom on a reason so flimsy as "that's how I like things."


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## loraxc

Quote:

Well, until they moved out, the only kids in the neighborhood were a 9 year old girl and a 6 year old girl, and so that's who DS (almost 7) would have over to play. And I'm *not* going to get the reputation for allowing tween mixed gender playgroups to happen behind closed doors.
OT, but are 6yos "tweens" these days?? My 6yo is sure as heck not a tween in my eyes. Tweens are 10-12, aren't they?

Do we all really worry about mixed gender groups at this age? DD's best friend is male, and not only do they play behind shut doors, they have sleepovers. They're 6, for heaven's sake! I'm not denying that kids play doctor, but I don't know..I don't worry about it. DD has lots of information about all of that (including books that are very clear and show kids' bodies) and I don't think she is going to get involved in anything pathological.


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## AllyRae

Lorax...I was talking about the 9 year old.







And yeah, the 9 year old has been seen doing some rather...uh...non-appropriate things in the presence of the younger kids, including telling the younger kids to watch her "shake her butt and squat over the sprinkler" while doing "lap dance" type moves when they were playing outside (I put a stop to that one real quick. Not sure where someone that young learns *that*, but she knew it), and telling ds that he has to kiss her on the lips. I love that girl, but I will not allow "behind closed doors" playgroups, especially with her being so much closer to pre-teen ness (she also doesn't have the most stable homelife, and is moved around a lot due to her mom's relationships, and her female role models are pregnant 15/16 year olds... I don't alienate her, but I do take precautions. My child has autism and doesn't always "get" that he shouldn't do something if told to do it by another child. If it were just the 2 six year olds, yeah, I'd probably allow the door shut for a couple more years.

Which is a good example of why blanket statements like "closed doors = dysfunctional" are not right...each circumstance is different.


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## montlake

I have a teen and he is allowed to keep his door closed at night. During the day it stays open (except for obvious times like changing or whatever but if he is just in there reading or playing games it's open) but that is recent and due to newly diagnosed chronic illness and wanting to be sure I know if something happens. Once his medications are worked out and we know what the side effects are, and everyone knows what to expect he will be allowed to go back to closing it when he wants. (Still letting him close it at night because all the household pets want to sleep in there and keep him up all night otherwise.) I would feel absolute misery if I were not allowed to close my door.


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## lolar2

Yes, although he's three and usually doesn't want it closed. It also is easy to unlock his door from the outside, so he could lock it if he wanted without any problems (though he hasn't tried).


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## lilyka

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllyRae* 
Lorax...I was talking about the 9 year old.







And yeah, the 9 year old has been seen doing some rather...uh...non-appropriate things in the presence of the younger kids, including telling the younger kids to watch her "shake her butt and squat over the sprinkler" while doing "lap dance" type moves when they were playing outside (I put a stop to that one real quick. Not sure where someone that young learns *that*, but she knew it),

Honestly I wouldn't bee to concerned about that. I have seen hundreds of kids play like this with sprinklers (sprinkler park at a public pool and in peoples yard). There is just something about sprinklers spraying up that makes kids want to squat and wiggle over them.... Cracks me up every time. I don't allow my children to do it but I don't make a big deal over it either.

But even though now I consider my kids old enough to play in their rooms with their doors closed I still don't let them close them all the way when friends are over. You just don't know other peoples kids.


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## mamazee

My 8-year-old does that, and it isn't fair to characterize it as a "lap dance move." I don't like seeing normal child behavior sexualized. It's more of a potty humor move. She knows nothing about lap dancing, but she is well versed at potty humor.


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## treeoflife3

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc* 
OT, but are 6yos "tweens" these days?? My 6yo is sure as heck not a tween in my eyes. Tweens are 10-12, aren't they?

Do we all really worry about mixed gender groups at this age? DD's best friend is male, and not only do they play behind shut doors, they have sleepovers. They're 6, for heaven's sake! I'm not denying that kids play doctor, but I don't know..I don't worry about it. DD has lots of information about all of that (including books that are very clear and show kids' bodies) and I don't think she is going to get involved in anything pathological.

you probably don't want to hear about what I was doing at 6....


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## AllyRae

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
My 8-year-old does that, and it isn't fair to characterize it as a "lap dance move." I don't like seeing normal child behavior sexualized. It's more of a potty humor move. She knows nothing about lap dancing, but she is well versed at potty humor.


If you didn't witness what I was watching, then it's unfair of *you* to say that. I know what I was watching, and I know what this girl was imitating. Like I said, her role models aren't the best. I actually had to call her mother and tell her I was sending the child home after 3 incidents that were very much sexualized. Not every 9 year old is as innocent as we'd like them to be. There are 9 year olds that are capable of knowing what, and imitating, adult sexual behavior. There are tweens that are pregnant.

Normal 9 year old behavior is *not* the type of dancing I saw and had to put a stop to.

Like I said, every situation is different. And as long as I allow the child into my home (because you know, she could use a few more female role models in her life....), I will adapt the rules to keep the other children safe.

I'm not saying this child is a perverted deviant. I am saying that it seems that she has witnessed behavior that is not at all appropriate for younger children to see, and she was imitating it.

Oddly enough, I lived in another neighborhood where the tween knew what Adult Swim was and would repeat things she heard on it. So, while our children might be pure and innocent, unfortunately not every child grows up that way.









Anyhow, tangent. But, I didn't want you thinking I was sexualizing a 9 year old. In fact, I was actually very saddened by the fact I saw a 9 year old actually engaging in sexual behaviors around 2 six year olds. And I promised her mom that from now on, there will be at least 1 adult supervising play at all times, or at least the children would know that an adult can and will check in on them at any interval, and no closed doors. And I did that for not only my child's protection, but for my own...it's not like I really want the kids to go to their mom and say "well SHE let me do it!"


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## Linda on the move

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllyRae* 
Like I said, every situation is different. And as long as I allow the child into my home (because you know, she could use a few more female role models in her life....), I will adapt the rules to keep the other children safe.

That's kinda how we ended up with the "when child X is over, doors must be open" rule.









Quote:

Oddly enough, I lived in another neighborhood where the tween knew what Adult Swim was and would repeat things she heard on it. So, while our children might be pure and innocent, unfortunately not every child grows up that way.








There are no secrets from middle schoolers who ride the bus. For me, that's not a reason to have my middle school keep her door open, but there comes a point where if you want to keep your children niave , you need to live in cave with a rock in front of it. Having them shut their door isn't going to do it!


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## lolar2

Most of the 9-year-old girls I've seen do that kind of thing, have shown signs of puberty before they turned 10. (I used to be a substitute teacher so I met a lot of 9-year-olds.) So I think it probably is partly hormonal as well, not just bad influences.


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## greenemami

yes, they are allowed to close their doors, but there are not locks on them, and I wouldn't allow locking if there were. Actually, the rule is that if you want privacy, close your door so there is no confusion about it, and we all knock before entering. We don't have friends over to play often (well, dd and her friends are too little to care about playing privately and dsd only lives with us part-time) so that hasn't been an issue yet. I would allow them to play privately though, but would let them know that I would be checking in every so often. We now have three kids and two bedrooms, so I'm not sure how this will work once two of them are sharing a room.


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## MissMaegie'sMama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllyRae* 

Like I said, every situation is different. And as long as I allow the child into my home (because you know, she could use a few more female role models in her life....), I will adapt the rules to keep the other children safe.

I'm not saying this child is a perverted deviant. I am saying that it seems that she has witnessed behavior that is not at all appropriate for younger children to see, and she was imitating it.

Oddly enough, I lived in another neighborhood where the tween knew what Adult Swim was and would repeat things she heard on it. So, while our children might be pure and innocent, unfortunately not every child grows up that way.










Sadly, my neighborhood has a preponderance of children in this type of situation. They are exposed to mature ideas and themes at too early an age, and they lose the innocence of childhood much sooner than they should. It breaks my heart.

Like the PP quoted above, every situation is different, and I don't think a parent is out of line to expect a child leave his/her door open when other kids are in the room with him/her. It's not just for the protection of the children, but for the parent.

However, I believe to require a child ALWAYS leave her/his door open no matter what is disrespectful of that child's needs. Most of us NEED privacy and solitude from time to time, and if we can't get it in our own rooms, where can we find it? IMO, the Open Door Always Policy is an unfair expectation. My opinion is that true AP families RESPECT each other's needs for privacy and alone time. Attachment means sometimes letting go, even for an hour or two.


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## Dukey25

My kids are 6.5 yrs 4.5 yrs and 2 yrs I am comfortable with all of them closing their doors, mostly due to their personalities. I am not comfortable with closed doors when friends are over. With the older two I will knock and then enter with the youngest I spy just to make sure he is ok








I am sure my door policies will change as they age.


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## ancoda

My children are all allowed to close their doors when they are playing in their rooms. The 8 year old and the 2 year old share a room and their door does not lock. The 4 year old is very introverted and is allowed to close and lock his door so long as he opens it for DH and I when we knock.
They very rarely have friends that come over, they mostly play outside with other kids, so we have not really had to visit the open or closed door with friends over policy.


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