# 4 or 5 year old with very violent and gory imagination at playgroup



## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

Recently at a playgroup I take my 11-month old to, a boy has been talking with me a lot. His mother is usually attending to another one of her children and doesn't seem to check in on him. This boy is very friendly and wouldn't harm Simon, but everything that comes out of his mouth and the games that he chooses to play are based on violence. The toys at the centre are not toys that typically invite violent play, but he finds a way. He turns a play kitchen knife into a weapon. He talks about how he will kill the "bad guys", gives grim details about how natural disasters can kill, talks about large stones squishing people, sneaking some poison into water to kill off a "bad guy," and on and on.

I didn't know how to respond to this boy. He engaged me in play with him and then kept beckoning me back when I was busy chasing Simon around the centre. I don't mind playing with him, it would be enjoyable were it not for the endless inappropriate things that he says and wants to pretend. I don't feel that it's my place to tell him not to say these things. I try to move the conversation to a friendlier place and bring up some empathetic points, but it doesn't phase him. Some of the types of things I said: "That would hurt! That wouldn't be nice. Maybe you could become his friend instead" (when he suggested a gruesome way to kill a bad guy). When he planned how to respond to violent threats, I responded that I would run away. When he talked about horrible disasters and death, I said something like: "That's a very scary thought. That's not a nice thing to think about." Not the best responses; these are just the first things that came to mind (aside from things that I feel would require me to overstep my boundaries). I know that when Simon is older, I would not want him playing with a child like this one. I don't know how I would intervene then, and I don't know what to do about it now.

In short, how to respond on the spot when presented with a child who is engaging in play/talk that you find inappropriate and that might have a bad influence on your own child?


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## Robertosmama (Mar 1, 2005)

Don't say anything, It's not your place, you're not his mother. Prehaps you can talk to his mom, she may let him watch violent tv shows or movies, or maybe he has witnessed something.


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## cmb123 (Dec 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dal*
. This boy is very friendly and wouldn't harm Simon, but everything that comes out of his mouth and the games that he chooses to play are based on violence.


This is the part about the boy I would focus on most. If he were hurting other children or seemed harmful in some way..I'd worry.

Imaginative play is so important to children. This just may be his way of working out things he's heard or seen.Too much TV? Even if it's just the news, there is so much violence shown. It may just be his way of working through it. Imagination is just imagination. I think the way you play with him is great. It offers him other sides to what he's saying, without saying what he is playing is "bad."


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

Thanks for your replies!

I know very little about 4-5 year olds. He looked and acted like 4 years olds I've met, but kept saying "when I was 4, which was years ago, ..." so he may be 5. Anyway... I don't know what is normal. Perhaps I'm turned off by normal behaviour and take it as more threatening than it really is. He is a nice boy. I doubt that I'd confront his mom. I don't want to create bad vibes around there. If the same situation keeps happening, I may try to come up with something fairly innocent-sounding to say to her (maybe something like "X sure has a scary imagination!". We'll see.

I've ordered some parenting books that discuss older children and am learning a lot here. Perhaps my views will change as I learn more about what is appropriate and normal behaviour for a child that age. Or at least I'll find ways to divert the discussion.


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## Alkenny (May 4, 2004)

I think you suggesting other scenarios is a good thing, but I don't think anything he's doing is out of the norm for that age niether. Not to be "gender stereotyping", but that is pretty normal "boy" behavior. I don't allow guns or knives (toy or real...outside of cooking utensils!) in my home, but everything my older DS would pick up would ultimately become a weapon.


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## BathrobeGoddess (Nov 19, 2001)

I think you are doing a great job of trying to refocus his energy. However, he may need to act out. For whatever reason, he has chosen you as a "safe" playmate. Children often use pretend play to act out things that scare them in a way that they can control. I think it is very possible that with the tsunami and maybe even things like the BTK killer, the mom and son who were murdered, are things that he has been exsposed to through the TV news.

Does he also include himself as someone who is a "Superhero" or something similar? That would be the part that can help him see the good side. If your up to it, a very effective way to channel that energy is to focus on the good things his persona does...and how those things help keep us even safer than killing and hurting!


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## halah (Apr 28, 2002)

I just wanted to post as a mom who is extremely squeamish/sensitive about violence but also has a 4 year old son, that I've realized you can keep your cool and offer other alternatives, but even if you try to shelter a little boy, they tend to want to work this "violence", "bad guy" stuff out. Before my son hit 4, I was really repulsed by kids who acted that way and hoped my son wouldn't be into it. But even though I assidiously kept him away from adult tv and inappropriate kids tv (which is most of it, imo) he definitely likes what I'd consider violent play, so I've had to eat some humble pie and change my tune.









My old playgroup teacher, a wise old soul who has worked with and studied little boys for many years, helped me come to terms with the fact that boys are often trying to find their "hero impulse" in the face of what they perceive as threats (big bad people, disasters) to their little selves. You and I don't want to be constantly reminded of gory things and disasters, but to a child who is just discovering the "other side" of life, mortality, it has got to be processed.

I just kept encouraging my son to be 'the good guy" and he followed his natural instinct to want to protect & defend. When he went through a phase of wanting to hunt animals (I was freaking out inside) we kept guiding him to be the animal doctor or rescuer. Now he wants to be a veterinarian...

Now he still likes to run around with a sword and a rope (gun play is strongly discouraged here, but he still tries the old "hand-gun" or "stick-gun" trick once in a while) but he also likes to play "mommy and daddy" with his 1 yr old sister, carrying his doll in the backpack and putting it to bed.

This ended up longer than I meant to write but all I'm saying is it's natural to be turned off by that stuff but try not to write him off...I think it's more important how they behave in "real life" regardless of how evil he wants to imagine to be in his fantasy play.


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

Thanks for your insights! It's good to know that this is normal. I don't like it, but I have awhile to get through my issues with it before Simon is into it -- unless he doesn't go through such a phase. I can see how accepting it as normal and healthy will enable us to get through it without him developing a complex or becoming afraid to share what he is feeling with us. I can also see how it could be turned into a lot of fun and creative play.


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## chalupamom (Apr 15, 2002)

As much as it pains me to say it, I, too, think the boy in question is likely 100% A-O-K normal. My no-TV, no-feature-length-movies, I-vet-his-books, no-video-games 4 1/2 year old son regularly talks about and acts out planes crashing into his block towers (to my knowledge, he has no idea about the obvious event many of us think about when he brings this up), fires consuming buses of schoolkids, bad guys "coming to take us away from home forever and ever" and on and on. He speculates whether or not he could save someone who fell into the ocean and can't swim, if he could catch someone who fell out of an airplane that was going to crash...you get the idea.

Like previous posters, I try to encourage my son to be "a good guy" and remind of all the ways the adults in his life are helping him be safe and strong.

I don't know if every boy goes through this, but it seems common enought that you probably ought to be prepared!


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