# Does difficult baby/toddler = difficult child



## foxtrot (Jan 27, 2008)

Please someone give me some reassurance that the title fo this post will not turn out to be true. My first child (DS) was a dream to parent. Yes, he has his moments, but for the most part he was just a wonderful child. All babysitters, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc agree with me on this so not just me bragging about DS. I truly lucked out as I feel I don't deserve him he is so wonderful. He was not a great sleeper as a baby, but that was his only issue.

He was so wonderful I was afraid to have another for fear of ruining the special connection we had and fear of ruining the absolutely wonderful family dynamic we had. But DS wanted a sibling and I really wanted two children. I didn't want another baby/toddler as it is a period of time I really don't like at all, but knew I had to go through it to get the 2 children I desired in the end.

DD has been SO HARD. She is 13 months and is hard in every way imaginable. The family dynamic has been thrown into total disarray. There is no "family" anymore really. DD was colicky for the first 3 months. She screamed for hours every day. DS of course took this in stride (that's the type of kid he is, he's 5 by the way) and told me he'd help me through it all. And he did. We tried elimination diet, everything, but nothing worked. Eventually she grew out of the colic. But then her sleep went to hell. We are regularly up for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night and that is just one of the 3-4 wakings every night. She won't sleep with me (climbs all over the bed hitting me in the face, standing on me etc.). She won't sleep alone or at least not well. We have not found a solution for the sleep.

Other behaviors that are difficult are that she's been biting me for months now if I dare do anything besides pay attention to her. She has also started biting DS. She has my attention all day as I'm a SAHM and DS is in school full day now. So it isn't a lack of attention. She screams at DS and pushes, bites, hits him if I do anything with him. She is just so hard. So very hard.

I'm not looking for advice on how to deal with her as I'm doing my best to find ways to help her. I NEVER EVER spank, hit etc so I have no idea where she got the hitting and biting from.

What I am looking for is someone, somewhere out there that can tell me a wonderful story of how they had a really difficult baby or toddler that grew into a really great child. That's what I need right now. I need hope that one day we can be a family again because DD's needs/wants don't trump everyone else's in the family. I need hope that one day DS will have a sister that treats him with respect and love the way he treats her. I need hope that one day I'll enjoy my daughter instead of wondering how I'll get through each day with her. I wanted a happy family. What I've got is a family torn in two. I deal with DD while DH plays with DS or vice versa.


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## Carolyn R (Mar 31, 2008)

Hugs, first of all!!!

Not sure if my dd was QUITE as bad as yours sounds, but she was no cupcake, that's for sure. Horribly colicky, wouldn't sleep unless she was on me, etc. I felt so bad for my ds, because it seemed like he always had to come second after her needs, which were so numerous. My husband joked that if all babies were like her, the human race would cease to exist because nobody would have more kids!

The good news is, she's 2 and a half, and she is SO much easier to deal with. Not that all her issues are completely gone - she is still very intense and needs lots of hands-on parenting for sleep, etc., but overall she is turning into a bright, funny child that is finally fitting into our family in a more positive way. It seems as these high-need children become more mobile and verbal, you can begin to reason with them more easily, and also they have more ways of expressing their intense emotions in healthy ways.

It sounds like you're doing a great job; I would recommend reading some of Dr Sear's writings on high-need children if you haven't already. He explains why these children are the way they are (it's not your fault at all!!!!) and ways to cope without feeling totally drained. Good luck!


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## darien (Nov 15, 2005)

Do you want to hear only positive stories, because I haven't got one.







Both my kids were "difficult" babies and are still challenging.

My second child (now 4) is much more challenging than my first, too. I have it easier, though, because my first ds is nearly 8 years older than his little brother.

I adore both my ds, but I do think sometimes about how much simpler and easier things were before ds2.


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## lilylove (Apr 10, 2003)

Not true in my experience. Dd1 was a very high needs baby and then a happy toddler and child. Ds was not a high needs but not a really happy baby either, and a easy toddler but has been an incredibly challenging child as a 3 and 4yo. Dd2 is a super easy baby. Who knows what toddlerhood will bring for her.


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## RufusBeans (Mar 1, 2004)

DD was high needs as a baby-never bite but cried all.the. time. and never wanted anything done to her. Never wanted to be tickled read to changed moved in any way or she SCREAMED! It was horrible.

She is a wonderful little girl now.







:


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Not exactly what you're looking for... but dd was an EASY baby and toddler. Super easy. And now she is a rather challenging pre-schooler.










-Angela


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## apple_dumpling (Oct 20, 2004)

I don't think it necessarily correlates - I know lots of people with 'difficult' kids who were super easy babies. My dd was a SUPER hard baby/toddler (which is the reason she is still an only LOL







) but she has mellowed into a super sweet, affectionate child (she'll be 4 in Feb.)

As a baby she cried non-stop, didn't like to cuddle, didn't sleep more than 2 hours a pop, etc. She is a little lovebug now who loves curling up on the couch and reading a book with me. She is still an emotional child, so that aspect of her personality hasn't changed - but she has gotten more predictable and I know what her 'hot buttons' are. And I know when not to push stuff...


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My daughter was a very, very difficult baby. I can't call her "easy" because she's still a bit wild. But she is a lot of fun and I don't think I'd call her "difficult" either, because despite her wildness she is kind and very sweet.


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## 425lisamarie (Mar 4, 2005)

PLEASE don't give up hope. Trust me when I say this, I had THE poster baby for difficult-ness and birth control for all who met her. She is 2.5 now and the most wonderfully sweet and loving little person. She has her little fits and 2 year old things, but nothing too dramatic. She gets over things pretty quick and is really cooperative.

I can't even go in to what I went through from birth until about 16-more like 18 months old, but somehow, all the hair I pulled out and tears I cried and nights I screamed at my DH (bless his understanding heart) instead of her.... it all turned out to be worth it. She had allergies and ezcema on top of it (or probably some of the cause) so I had to constantly be bathing/lotioning/patting her skin. Somehow my now 4.5 year old (2 years apart) was wise beyond his years, and helpful, and sweet, etc. Always loved and tried to help little sister....I don't know how we got through but we did!

So I am that someone somewhere out there who used to sit on a high horse untill my second was born. I love her, I always did, but I don't even know that I fell head over heels in love with her like I did my son until well after a year old when things got easier.

Big hugs to you mama. Whatever you are feeling is OK. Don't feel guilty about your feelings and try to find someone, an adult that you can say what you need to and they will know you don't mean it and love her and just need to rant sometimes. Try to be as gentle with her as you can and even if you have to go through the motions and remain emotion-less toward her sometimes it's ok. It will get better

I feel alot of myself in your post when MY DD was that age. I'm probably over stepping myself a bit by saying this, but I sense you have a little resentment toward your DD for sort of "ruining" everything. I don't mean it snarky or as bad as that comes out but I felt that way too, it's not uncommon, especially since as you say you wanted 2 kids, etc.

I really would try the GD forum for some ideas. She may be one of those that really needs things the same all the time. Like not a strict and horrid stick to this schedule or else, but routines. SOmething to expect.

I totally feel for you mama, I could have written this a couple years ago


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

My dd was a very tough baby, toddler, preschooler--and had her _most_ difficult year last year, at age 6 (we had moved, and her brother was born, and she reacted poorly to the changes). All thoughout she has had wonderful qualities, too, but she has a very difficult time with stress and change, and she has some sensory issues that can make some environments unbearable for her.

Things are so much easier now that she is older. She can talk about her struggles, and we can work through them together. She is the best sister EVER to her 22 mo brother; she simply loves him to pieces. We are finally seeing the rewards for all of those years of hard, hard work parenting dd.

Years from now, you might have answers for why dd was so hard to parent as a baby. I've learned over the years that dd is neurologically wired a bit differently, but she couldn't tell me that as a baby or a toddler (she could only share her misery).


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## SpringRain (Nov 19, 2001)

My oldest DD was a VERY high needs baby/toddler/etc. We battled colic and monster tantrums. At age 2 no one was allowed to laugh in her presence or she would scream at you "Don't laugh at MEEEEEEE!!!"

Things dramatically improved at age 6 and now at age 8, DH and I joke that she must have been abducted by aliens and replaced with a changeling because she is such a good natured, well behaved child. People always used to think that it was our AP ways that caused her to be, in their opinion, such a spoiled child, then we had DD #2 who is parented the same way and is the most easy going, happy, well adjusted child ever... I felt very vindicated by that!

One thought though... DH and I think that DD1 would be a high needs child no matter how we parented her BUT, AP parenting allowed her to be herself and work through the things she needed to while she was little so that they didn't haunt her all her life. She has always had an extremely hard time with transitions and we did everything we could to make sure she had lots of warning when it was time to change gears (bed time, leaving the park, etc.) or when a big event was coming up (new baby, trips, etc). We just knew she needed that extra reassurance then, now she seems to have outgrown that for the most part and is really good about self regulating transitsions... it just took lots of time.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

SpringRain, your dd sounds like my dd's long lost twin. Honestly, I could have written your entire post--right down to feeling vindicated by the second (delightfully easy) child, and the memory of dd screaming "don't laugh at meeee!!!" as a toddler.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

DD was an extremely difficult baby and is still as a pre-schooler. DS was an average baby and is so far an easy toddler. (except is a HORRIBLE sleeper) Some change, some stay the same.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

I think they're each hard in their own way, but generally, DD was a more emotionally demanding baby and she's a more emotionally demanding child. DS is more physically demanding and I expect that will continue as he grows. He's ALWAYS on the go.

I think the kind of thing you're describing is similar to my DD as a baby though. She had mild reflux (have you had yours tested for that? It might no longer manifest as active spitting up and colic, but instead have become more about waking in the night and general upset.). Anyway, at 4, DD still vomits anytime she runs any fever no matter how small. She moans during the night and has bad dreams. She is shy, does not like new people until she gets used to them, and is perfectionistic. She just weaned, and is a somewhat picky eater. OTOH, she loves to dance, she has great friends that she loves playing with, she's a fantastic artist, and she loves to snuggle and read together.

DS is totally different. He's slept for 4-5 hour stretches since a few months old. He loves to eat solids. He's a very happy baby, and smiles at strangers quickly and joyously. He's also magnetically attracted to whatever small objects he can attempt to eat. He does not sit still for books. He brings me one, climbs in my lap, listens to 5 words, and gets up and carries the book down the hall to see if it will fit in DDs rain boot, or the sand pail.

It sounds like things have been very hard, and believe me, I understand how 2 can be such a change. Therapy and time were really helpful for me. I realized recently all the things I feel like DD got that DS is not getting, and felt very guilty. I'm trying to make changes in that now, remember to sing to him at bedtime and talk to him more about just whatever we're doing that day. We'll all be fine, it just takes time and love.


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## foxtrot (Jan 27, 2008)

Hmm. That's interesting, my DD vomits whenever she has a fever. That's how we know she's getting sick. She also vomits very easily if she coughs or anything. She also isn't doing well with solids.

She also vomits on purpose when she isn't happy about something. She'll stick her fingers down her throat. That is loads of fun!!

And to the poster who mentioned I might feel some resentment. Yes, I do. And I feel HORRIBLE about it! I'm seeing a therapist and working through this. I love DD. I really love her, but she's definitely shaken things up and it just wasn't what I expected. I know one day all these qualities she has will serve her well, but it's hard right now.

I guess I just want to get past this difficult stage so there is less struggle and more joy in being with her. She is cute though!


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

One of my friends has two children, one of whom was a dream baby who grew into a rather difficult child and teenager, and the other of whom was a very difficult baby who grew into an easy child and preteen (she's 11 now).


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

If you have a doctor you like, you might want to test for reflux. I have a friend who is treating her baby with medicine for it, and it does seem to help. DD I just had to sit up with her for 1/2 hour after nursing. Although she was still fussy, and it may have contributed to cavity problems later on.


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## flowers (Apr 8, 2004)

My ds1 was very difficult. He was collicky and just moody, a screamer etc...way high needs and on top of it he was not very affectionate. Fast forward 4 years old and he is the most well-spoken, loving and fun person to be around. Yes, he can be intense, especially when a grandparent or someone gets into his face (without respecting his need for space) but overall he is such a joy.

Upon reflection, I find that he did not enjoy the limitations that come with being a baby. Once he was able to move around more independently and speak his mind he was much happier of a being.


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## Peony (Nov 27, 2003)

DD1 was a very challenging baby/toddler. Looking back, I really don't know who cried more her first year of life, her or me. She will be 6 in a couple weeks, not much as changed.







DD1 is the child that makes me want to pull my hair out on a daily basis, I have another child, a 2y, who should be challenging at this point in her life but is nothing compared to her sister. I will say that 2-3.5 was the most pleasant period in her life, she calmed down some, was able to verbalize her feelings more, etc... I sound negative (today has been a hard day), but most days I am able to see all the other things that she is that aren't negative. She is very caring, loves animals, at open gym last week she befriended an 18m old and was taking her around helping her for 30 minutes straight. She is just a child that is always going to be more.


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

my difficult baby became a great grade-schooler. I was forced to spend so much time interacting with her she's really learned a lot, learned great manners etc, I haven't read all the replies, but keep your hopes up, and do teach your child (even if it takes longer) when the time comes, to talk in a pleasant tone of voice and to make requests appropriately.


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## TwinsTwicePlusTwo (Dec 7, 2008)

Being difficult at one stage definitely doesn't guarantee that the child will remain difficult forever. My oldest daughter went through an absolutely impossible phase from ages 2.5-3.5, but gradually calmed down and now is the most quiet, well-behaved, easy child you could imagine. DD2 was extremely difficult from the time she learned to crawl (at 7mos!) through her baby/toddler stages, but now, while she's still very energetic and strong-willed, she's also extremely intelligent, articulate, funny, and a joyful help with her little brothers.

Unfortunately, DD3 is one of those children who is born difficult (colic, never STTN, etc.) and stays that way. She's overly-sensitive and constantly seeks attention. I know how a difficult child can affect your family dynamics, and I think it's natural to feel some resentment, particularly when they're taking attention away from better-behaved siblings. I was at my wits end with DD3 until, about 5 years ago, I made the simple decision that she would not get more than her fair share of attention, no matter what she did. If this meant locking her in her room to scream and throw a fit while I attended to her siblings, than so be it. That probably sounds harsh, but it took an incredible strain off me (and the whole family), and eventually DD3 got the message to some extent.

There is hope that your daughter will become easier as she gets older. For now, try to spend a decent amount of quality time with your son. Trust me, this will make you feel better about the whole situation.


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## marieangela (Apr 15, 2003)

It seems, from reading the other posts, that you just never know how things will change. Both of my boys were very easy and pleasant infants. My almost six year old was also and easy toddler and has continued to be fairly easy. My 3.5 year old showed me just how easy my first son was at a little over a year. He is strong willed and often difficult and has been since then. Perhaps things will change along the road. And, of course, who knows what the new baby will be like-this might be my tough infant at last.


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## brooks97 (Apr 24, 2008)

My relatives always say that if the child is very active and difficult during toddler years, he/she will grow up to be calm and well behaved person. I sure hope so! Love my kids to death but they are a handful.


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## RufusBeans (Mar 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flowers* 

Upon reflection, I find that he did not enjoy the limitations that come with being a baby. Once he was able to move around more independently and speak his mind he was much happier of a being.

yes exactly this with my DD too. she wasn't comfortable in her baby 'skin'


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

DD has always been a stubborn child. For the first few years she had to have me with her all the time and until she was two I couldn't leave the bed after she had nursed to sleep because she would wake up. She has tantrums when she doesn't get her way and refuses to cooperate if she doesn't like the task and there is nothing in it to make the task look good. She asks questions constantly and demands things her way frequently. She has not gotten less stubborn, but I have learned to work with her to come up with solutions together that work for both of us and I have learned to be aware of her feelings and to help her find a way to express them without viewing not getting her way as the end of the world. She is also a very loving, caring, and creative child though who has brought me a lot of joy and who always has a solution to every problem. She is also very outgoing and friendly and a joy. When your dd starts to talk and want her own time away from you I think you will be able to see the good side of having a difficult child.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

My easier kids were easy as they got older as well. My youngest DD is 6 and was a very tough baby and is still a very hard child right now at the age of 6. It's easier to discipline her now and make her understand when her actions are wrong but she is still very hardheaded and stubborn.


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## kayabrink (Apr 19, 2005)

I have some potentially good news, and some bad.
My Ds was very difficult as a baby/toddler (had colic, never slept for long stretches, threw attrocious tantrums, argued from the moment he learned to speak, whiny, the list goes on...).
It lasted until shortly before his fifth birthday. He's been lovely since then- like going to sleep with an irrational toddler, and one morning waking up to find he's become a tiny adult. No more arguing, newfound independance, sleeping all night long, generally charming.
Only problem is a- it did take 5 years to get there; and b- dh attributes it to ds finally gaining some level of independance from us (he started school, and these changes occurred about one-two months later; he had never been away from us at all before). Good bye any thoughts we had been having of homeschooling.


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