# Inlaws got her a Hello Kitty laptop for christmas



## Triniity (Jul 15, 2007)

Hi everybody.

My MIL just proudly announced to DH that she got a "Hello Kitty" laptop for christmas for DD. -DD actually says (to her) that she wants one, but I honestly don´t think that she actually knows what this is. She knows only my macbook and announces that she wants to have an "computer with an apple" when she is grown.

There are other things that she wants to have, like a twin doll stroller for her dolls with a roof. Stuff like that.

I totally don´t want her to have cheap plastic electronic rubbish. I will not let her play with it, I will take it away from her (I hope) - but I`ll rather not getting it into our house in the first place.

They are always doing this, but this cheap rubbish usually has at least a bit of creative possibilities with it, like a plastic piano for DS, or a "Hello Kitty Songbook" (I took it away - sneaky, isn´t it?)

It´s still weeks till christmas. DH is not known for his abilities to talk straight to his parents. My parents would never buy stuff like this, because I can plainly tell them: Don´t, otherwise it will be donated the day after christmas! And for whatever reason they actually do accept this - even better, they ask me, what I need for the kids!

What would you do? (my relationship to my inlaws is not the best - bet you guessed that!)


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Honestly, if your daughter did actually ask for the laptop I would let her keep it. As long as a gift is not potentially harmful to my child, such as a weapon or such, I feel that the gift is theirs and not mine to dispose of. Generally I have found that gifts are not an issue that I want to press since there are more important things in life to worry about.


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## arb (Mar 14, 2006)

Yes. They don't see it as "cheap plastic electronic rubbish." Accept it with grace, let your child use it according to your computer-use rules, and when it breaks simply say, "Well honey that was more of a toy computer--it wasn't made to last forever. But wasn't it a fun first computer to have?"


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## seamaiden399 (Jan 3, 2010)

I can understand your feelings about the present. Actually, my mother who is living with us bought my DD a kids play laptop (semi-educational) because DD was always trying to play with our laptops. My husband and I hate the thing (it is the noisiest, most irritating thing) but DD loves it and pretends she is "working" like Mommy and Daddy. We try to encourage the kind of presents we prefer in our home, and there are things that we would not allow her to have (the jiving singing elmo for example) but once a grandparent buys something for a grandchild, IMO it isn't worth fighting about it if it is something the child would actually like and doesn't actually teach negative values. Hello Kitty is commercial but fairly benign, IMO- but then, we lived in Japan so got used to ubiquitous Hello Kitty everything, everywhere.

Some of our friends will occasionally get DD presents that I just don't care for her to have- like a pure plastic dish made in China set of 5 million pieces that was full of choking hazards. That thing got "organized" into the garage.

Anyway, good luck!


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I am totally in the "accept gifts graciously with thanks" camp, BUT, what if you don't do any screen time in your family? What would be your take on this particular gift/situation?

I was all set to respond with a big "I agree" to the pps, but then I realized that in our house, where we have gone no screen-time (not that we are opposed to screen-time on principle, but that going screen-free has made a huge difference in certain behavioural problems with ds and we aren't ready to re-introduce screen time yet), this gift would pose a substantial problem. Hmmm... tough one...

Even though we strive towards minimalism and try to avoid plastic and tv characters, etc, we have always accepted any gifts with thanks. A lot of stuff that *I* don't like to see in my house my kids actually love. It's just not a battle I want to fight. Moreover I want my kids to learn to be gracious (and thoughtful - on the flip side of gift-choosing).


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## montessorimama1 (May 21, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *arb*
> 
> Yes. They don't see it as "cheap plastic electronic rubbish."


Yes, but children also don't see McDonald's as poisonous junk food, do they? It's our responsibility as parents to monitor what enters our home and impacts our children.

OP - No 5 yr old will benefit from a computer; children at that age require tangible experiences with toys that support their developmental needs. Children learn through movement, through using their hands, through stimulation of the senses in real world experiences... I would explain to your MIL that while the thought is a lovely one, and certainly in the future a computer will be a valuable asset, at this point you would like your daughter's development to be respected. Then, suggest other things that your daughter has expressed interest in, which will give her more opportunities for creative, non-judgmemental, and non-electronic play.


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## hildare (Jul 6, 2009)

1) take it back to exchange for something you like/want/need

2) tell them to keep it at their house (if that's possible)

3)donate it

4) keep it and let her use it. (i have no idea if it's a working computer or not.. will it access internet? if so, you could have her use it only occasionally or something)


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Let her keep it. Once she realizes it's not cool like mommy's it'll be trashed by her! My kids got something like that from DH's mom and though I wanted to throw it through my window out of annoyance my kids realized it was crap within minutes then used it in their spaceship as a their control board. I think it's somewhere 2 feet under in my yard. Someday if I ever move someone is gonna really wonder about us when they start digging in our yard.


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## Triniity (Jul 15, 2007)

Thanks for all your input.

The problem is, like pianojazzgirl (funky name!) said, we don´t do screen time. Okay, they do at the moment, due to my pregnancy issues, but usually they don´t. And this is something my inlaws just will not accept at.all.

(As an example, I got a call a couple of weeks ago from a company that sets up satellite dishes and the informed me that my satellite dish is ready to be installed and when they should come to set it up. I was like ??? You are Who? Doing what? What satellite dish? - After a bit of probing I found out that my FIL ordered this things for us ... knowing perfectly well that we do not want a tv access at this time in our life. That was actually funny in a way. Totally disregarding our choices. We obviously did not get the dish.)

I really don´t know what to do, because I try to teach values to my kids like substainability (is this a word?) and stuff, and I actually do have a blog on not using plastic (it´s in german though) and about poisonous plastic stuff (and I HATE cheap plastic electronic, no one is ever going to recycle these things!) - plus I want my children to cherish and love the gifts they get from their family, even from my inlaws.

Imakcerka, that would be my problem with your approach, I don´t really want them to find that they actually get rubbish from their grandparents.

Plus, but that is probably a personal problem of mine, I see it as a total egoistic act, it´s not about DD, it´s only about their "happy experience" with DD a bit like taking drugs (okay, that might be a bit harsh), it´s only about her unwrapping experience and that they will be able to mention like 40 times a day how "great" their present is. It´s not about what DD needs or really wants, it´s like feeding only colored candy and coke to her, knowing really well that she will suffer for it due to her skin issues and her "spiritness".

It´s not about Hello Kitty as well, I actually do like HK, she is not like a cartoon character for us, since we never watched anything with her, and DD really likes her (and I "used" this, too) but there are soooo many things out there that would be really nice for her.

My MIL is a teacher, she should really know better, shouldn´t she?

I see it as you do it, montessori mama, and I am a bit worried that screens will just sneak in, since DH (adult ADD) might just use anything to keep her and DS quiet...but that´s a different story.

Okay, I apologize, this is a bit of a vent, isn´t it?

I do appreciate your input, though!


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## Snapdragon (Aug 30, 2007)

This would irk me too! I think it really depends on your personality. Some people think it is no big deal- but to me it sounds like your in laws are blatantly disregarding the values you wish to impart to your children. In my opion, it is your child and you should continue to do what you think s best.

Is it a working actual computer or a toy one? HOw old is your dd?

I have uncomfortable situations w- my in laws too- I tend to be stubborn and stick up for my right to choose for my child over theirs, but it doesn't alwyas make everyone think that fondly of me! But I still think it is your right- and especially since you have told them you do not want this kind of thing.

I am not sure how I would handle it though, it is uncomfortable


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Draft an email or notes for a phone conversation for your DH to have with his mom. (If it's an email it can be from both of you, but sometimes my mom and MIL don't really pay attention to email, YMMV.)

Thank her profusely for letting you know in advance about the toy. Make it sound like she's being considerate by asking you instead of telling you. Praise her for taking your wishes into account. (Which I know she isn't, but pretend.)

Tell her that you're really touched that she wants to get your DD something so sweet, but that you want to hold off until she's old enough for a real computer. Tell her about the doll stroller and ask her whether she thinks she can find a Hello Kitty one of those.

If you need to, forward this recent, popular article from the New York Times about people at Google who send their kids to Waldorf school, where they don't use computers:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/23/technology/at-waldorf-school-in-silicon-valley-technology-can-wait.html

Tell her that you know DD will value anything she buys for her, because your DD loves her grandma so much.

PROFIT.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Triniity*
> 
> Hi everybody.
> 
> ...


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Triniity*
> 
> I am a bit worried that screens will just sneak in, since DH (adult ADD) might just use anything to keep her and DS quiet...but that´s a different story.


So you want your children to never have screen time at any age, even though you are currently using screen time to help you get through pregnancy and your DH isn't on the same page at all as you?

I think you have really high ideals that aren't realistic, and that keeping them so high, trying to be such a purist, is only making you unhappy.

I'd let her have it and have fun with it. Once the new wears off, I'd get rid of it. This is really, really not a hill to die on. Let the grandparents enjoy their grandchild on Christmas day. It isn't going to destroy her brain. Grandparents watching their grandchild smile and be happy and get fussed over isn't like doing drugs. Not even a little bit. People having fun with each other is good thing, not a bad thing.

Making war with your in-laws, on the other hand, is a bad thing.


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## scottishmommy (Nov 30, 2009)

I'd accept it and then limit your DD's time with it. Maybe you could use it to download music and have her dance to it or something.
I agree that this isn't a hill to die on. I let my in laws and parents spoil DD because they are grandparents! That's their job. Let them have some fun!


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> So you want your children to never have screen time at any age, even though you are currently using screen time to help you get through pregnancy and your DH isn't on the same page at all as you?
> 
> ...


Yes, all this.

I think you are overreacting here, and seem to have a double-standard going on. Your DD wants the laptop, your in-laws want to give it to her, and it is really not as big of a deal as you are making it out to be. It doesn't have to mean she will love the "plastic crap" forever; let her have a good Christmas and be grateful she has grandparents in her life that want to give presents to her. You can reevaluate keeping it or how often she is allowed to use it after the holidays.


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## ekh (Jun 20, 2008)

This sounds like a bit of a cultural thing to me. I'm American and my husband is German. He's SHOCKED, often, by the crap (and, more specifically, by the *quantity* of crap) my parents give our kids. I'm not a battle fighter, and he isn't going to say anything to my parents (thankfully) so the plastic just finds its way up to the attic. It reappears occasionally when kids are sick, or the weather is awful, as a novelty thing.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

It sounds like these in-laws are really disrespectful, and this is one of those last-straw situations where the OP needs some strategies for asserting herself in her role as the mom with the ILs.

I don't think it represents unrealistic high ideals to want to decide whether you want a satellite dish. It is funny that the OP's FIL thought that was appropriate! But you know, half the posts in this forum are about trying to get along with family members who don't respect what we're doing as parents. To some extent it doesn't matter what the parenting issue is. You know? I mean, there are people who don't want to give their children any refined sugar and others who want to let their children have total control over what they eat. Those are both valid, if diametrically opposed, parenting perspectives, and both perspectives that relatives will have trouble understanding and respecting. I'm sure there are many other examples, about supervision and sleep and school and... you name it.

I want to develop best practices for parents to maintain warm relationships with the grandparents, keeping them involved while also asserting my right to be expert on parenting my kid. So I don't really care whether the Hello Kitty computer is appropriate or not. To me, it would be a fine present, even if it fell apart, but I can think of other examples that wouldn't be OK with me.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Triniity*
> 
> (As an example, I got a call a couple of weeks ago from a company that sets up satellite dishes and the informed me that my satellite dish is ready to be installed and when they should come to set it up. I was like ??? You are Who? Doing what? What satellite dish? - After a bit of probing I found out that my FIL ordered this things for us ... knowing perfectly well that we do not want a tv access at this time in our life. That was actually funny in a way. Totally disregarding our choices. We obviously did not get the dish.)
> 
> ...


Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> So you want your children to never have screen time at any age, even though you are currently using screen time to help you get through pregnancy and your DH isn't on the same page at all as you?
> 
> ...


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## Triniity (Jul 15, 2007)

hey linda, obviously I don´t wanna keep them off screen until they leave home, I guess that would be rather difficult, but she is 5! and they are having screen time because three different types of child care providers (like emergency ones sent by my health insurance company) refused looking after them because they are too active (and screen time makes that behavior worse - that´s the reason for not letting them have a lot of it in the first place), so I need to keep them calm the two ( to four) hours until daddy comes home from work without getting this helpers involved, so that we get at least something to eat for dinner. (they are supposed to do light housework and look after the kiddos) - so I am using the screen for like an hour, because otherwise bad things would happen. DH calls it survival mode, and I don´t think that this is the same as a double standard. Plus, they are only allowed to watch very, very carefully chosen videos or watch language building songs on britishcouncil, which they love.

and - that might be a bit difficult to understand, it is for me, too - my DH is totally on my side, he doesn´t want them to be in front of a screen, but he gets overwhelmed and than kind of just gives in to whining, because it gives him a bit of peace of mind ykwm? Afterwards he would tell me that the kids have to much screen time and we really have to change this ..







We have these issues with sweets at the moment, he complains about them having to many sweets (which makes them hyper) but 5 min later he will just give them a bag of candy to stop the whining. I think it´s the ADD - I am not sure.

Maybe I am just overreacting, this HK laptop (it´s actually a toy, not a real laptop, just a couple of games on it - I don´t know if they are educational) is kind of lurking around the last month, and it was my nightmare that my inlaws would just get this thing. And now it´s coming true ...

and just to be clear, I don´t really think that DD wants it like she wants the stroller or the car seat for her dolls. She never mentions it if her grandparents are not around, and they are rarely around, they live pretty far away and my DH works all the time, so they are visiting every 3 - 4 month.

She even mentions the pony that she wants more often, and MY MOM actually offered to get her one, but hopefully I got that out of my mom´s head. What would you do than, though? Graciously accept?

I think it´s more a game thing between granny and her, which would be fine if they would take the thing with them when they leave.

I dunno, but I feel the urge to protect them from this kind of stuff. I would never buy anything for a child that the parents would not approve, especially if I would know it. I think, it´s just rude. Maybe I am overly sensitive (probably the hormones


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

OP you can't control everyone who wants to be in your little families life. Eventually they'll feel overwhelmed by all the restrictions. The only thing I asked DH's family to not do is send too much candy in they holiday boxes. They get a box from IL's for every holiday. Usually a shirt and some items for their hair as well as one or two treats. Before it was all junk food and the girls just didn't eat it. They weren't used to sweets and didn't like them. The IL's stopped with the junk and sent things that were useful. The girls only cared about being thought of, they didn't notice a change in their gift box. My mother has always sent the most thoughtful gift boxes on her own. No direction needed. The girls get useful items, new paint brushes with interesting handles, reems of paper and maybe a little painting grandpa did for them.

The laptop actually can be considered useful, if this is the laptop I'm thinking about it's already loaded with interesting games for her to learn with. It's not colorful and they are rather fun. I would stop being so upset with them though, you're not doing you or your child any favors and division for no other reason than just to be divided is not worth it. You may feel they are not respecting your lifestyle... but you're telling them theirs is all wrong.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

Sounds harmless and not a battle I'd want to fight.

I'm a teacher and an Early Childhood Education Specialist. I'm not a big fan of electronics for preschoolers and never had them in my classrooms (other than a computer for project work) or at home. DS got his Leapfrog Explorer when he was 6 1/2. DD will be five in February and will be getting a Explorer Leappad for Christmas. I'm fine with some technology use at age five.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

DS has a Batman toy laptop, which is probably like the Hello Kitty one your IL's bought, and he was so happy when my MIL gave it to him for Christmas one year (I think he was 4). But, it's just a toy, and like most of the other toys that light up or make noise, they eventually get bored with it. I don't remember the last time it actually had batteries in it. I just can't imagine making a scene over it and hurting anyone's feelings (not that it bothered me in the least when he got it - it made him happy which made me happy).

But then, I'd be fine with a real laptop now that he's 6, b/c it could be a great, fun tool - and I know he would still love to ride his bike and play kick ball with his siblings all the same. Screen time and technology are not always bad things, IMO.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Triniity*
> 
> hey linda, obviously I don´t wanna keep them off screen until they leave home, I guess that would be rather difficult, but she is 5! and they are having screen time because three different types of child care providers.... - so I am using the screen for like an hour, because otherwise bad things would happen. DH calls it survival mode, and I don´t think that this is the same as a double standard. ....
> 
> and - that might be a bit difficult to understand, it is for me, too - my DH is totally on my side, he doesn´t want them to be in front of a screen, but he gets overwhelmed and than kind of just gives in to whining, because it gives him a bit of peace of mind ykwm?


I'm sorry things are tough are your house right now and I hope they calm down soon.









I think it's really normal for parents to use minimal screen time to get through difficult things. I know I did when my kids were young.

I think that what makes it a double standard is to say that the toy is unacceptable because you guys are screen free when you aren't screen free. It's not the screen time that I think is the actual problem, but that you are trying too hard to be perfect. I think you could relax about this just a little and things we still be fine.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

A PONY!?!

Where do your parents and ILs live? Are they all in the area? Maybe if they want to give to your family so generously, they could help out with childcare during this pregnancy? It sounds to me like they are offering your children all these expensive, impractical things.

Everyone on here who is answering the question, "what would you do about the Hello Kitty laptop?" is missing the point. I would allow my MIL to give my son a Hello Kitty laptop. (I mean, if she would do that. My MIL is an early childhood purist who used to complain if the grandchildren used markers instead of crayons, so a pink plastic toy that lights up wasn't something we were in danger of getting.)

The broader issue is, how to have a good relationship with the children's grandparents when they seem hellbent on giving your family crazy things, like candy and coke for a five-year-old and a satellite dish and a pony, and oh, yeah, a pink plastic Hello Kitty laptop.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Triniity*
> 
> She even mentions the pony that she wants more often, and MY MOM actually offered to get her one, but hopefully I got that out of my mom´s head. What would you do than, though? Graciously accept?


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I want the pony... can I have your mom? PUHLEASE?!


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## freestylemama (Apr 8, 2009)

No kidding. I think you're over-reacting. Your DD wants a toy and they're buying it for her. It sounds like she's a lucky kid with grandparents who act like grandparents.


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## daisymama12 (Jul 2, 2006)

I don't see grandparents that want to be generous as a huge problem.

Being excited to see the look on their grandchildren's face when they open the present isn't evil, it's confirming the idea it is better to give than to receive.

I don't read this as a case of the grandparents trying to manipulate the family into anything. What is their intent? To give a gift the child wants. What should the response be: Wow, cool - thanks Grandma & Grandpa!


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## Snapdragon (Aug 30, 2007)

But the OP specifically told the grandparents that she does not want these kinds of toys and they disregarded her wishes.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

You are right, and grandparents will always find a way to do that! Seriously this won't be the only battle. My grandad knew I wasn't supposed to eat packaged foods or soda and he would give me hostess cupcakes and coke when I went to the docks with him. I kept that secret and it's a great memory.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Snapdragon*
> 
> But the OP specifically told the grandparents that she does not want these kinds of toys and they disregarded her wishes.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> You are right, and grandparents will always find a way to do that! Seriously this won't be the only battle. My grandad knew I wasn't supposed to eat packaged foods or soda and he would give me hostess cupcakes and coke when I went to the docks with him. I kept that secret and it's a great memory.


You mean it didn't ruin you for life? And relationships with grandparents and IL's are more important than being annoyed with plastic stuff and junk food?


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## daisymama12 (Jul 2, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Snapdragon*
> 
> But the OP specifically told the grandparents that she does not want these kinds of toys and they disregarded her wishes.


I didn't feed my kids meat when they were young (I'm a vegetarian), but my parents took great joy in feeding them salami (and watching them gobble it up).

It really bugged me for a while. But... when I managed to separate my own baggage with my parents from their relationship with my kids, I was able to let a lot more go. Ya, I didn't love them eating salami (and you can bet your bottom dollar it wasn't organic!) but in the end... no big deal.

I love my grandmother, and I want my kids to have those kinds of nice memories with their grandparents, without me interfering.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think you need to check with them to be sure the Hello Kitty laptop isn't a real laptop computer before you make a final decision about this. Dell has an option for customizing actual laptops with a Hello Kitty top and an actual laptop computer is not a cheap piece of plastic. It may be one of those toy computers, like the Barbie one, but when I did a google search no toy laptops came up with Hello Kitty so I really encourage you to look into this more. Even if you don't want her to use a computer much now, in a few years you probably will so I think you should just accept it and keep it. I personally was fine with my dd playing on the computer for limited amounts of time when she was little. Now that she is older she uses it to keep in touch with family more frequently, type lists, practice spelling words, and do research on topics that interest her. To me, and possibly to your inlaws, a laptop isn't junk.

If it is a Hello Kitty computer it might also have a use. My dd didn't use her Barbie one much after getting it because it was too difficult, but when she was a little older I was glad I saved it because the math and spelling games were very fun ways to get her to learn her number facts (something she hated doing). There were also some fun music games on there that she loves to play with still because she can create her music then hear it played back for her.


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## Shaki (Mar 15, 2006)

Sounds like the issue is not really the hello kitty laptop but deeper control and respect issues between the OP and her inlaws. Probably past history of feeling disrespected and not listened to that makes the OP now feel mad about the HK laptop...

In any case I would let the laptop go. Gifts aren't where I fight my battles. Gifts can easily be disappeared. My FIL is a very well meaning yet truly BIZARRE gift giver. Plus he rarely if ever takes suggestions as to what the kids would like. I'd drive myself nuts if I worried over this every birthday and holiday. I've stopped trying to exert any control over this and simply thank him and then donate whatever doesn't work for our family/house/child. I mean it's too much energy to worry about it and sometimes the kids really like whatever kooky thing it is (I may not like it, but that's not the point).


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

No three year needs a laptop. I'd find a way to drop that thing into the tub or something.


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## babygirlie (Jun 4, 2009)

define screen time. Tv? video games? music? light? A laptop is only what you let it be. heck it could be filled with van gogh slideshows.She will NEED to learn how to use one eventually to thrive in society. There doesn't need to be internet on it at all. There's no need. If it's a child's laptop it might not even come with a cd player. No one says you have to buy cd's of video games or shows. What's wrong with her learning to type? or clicking around on minesweep... or whatever... clicking until it blue screens and doesn't work anymore. Not to mention there is a volume control! Plus a mute button. This is a gift for HER. It is not a gift for you. I think you are overreacting. You should be grateful your 3 year old is smart enough to ask for one and has the brain capacity to perhaps become the next computer genius out there. My daughter won't be able to blow her candles out at her 3 yr birthday and won't even be able to say hello to any guests.

Honestly, I'm jealous! I would love for the complainers parents/in-laws to come buy my kid presents. She gets virtually NOTHING for christmas. She gets one small gift she has no interest in from each family of 4. Her birthday was beyond sad. 1 coloring book, 1 small pillow, 1 plastic toy that had one button on it. She can't color. But I bought her a cheap plastic laptop (not real) and it was the very first thing she learned to turn on because it was interesting to her. It was her first sign to me that she could do something besides rock. So sign me up for all the "cheap" (ie expensive) plastic crap you want! Can we trade PLEASE! I would love to lavish my child with gifts in the off chance one is going to trigger her brain into working in the direction society would like. *sigh* I'm sorry to sound like a b... but you guys sound so unappreciative and selfish. You have NO idea what it's like to have NO family.. NO help.. and to have that right taken from you. She only sees her in laws twice a year so I realize my expectations are high of them and they fall flat on their face but I say nothing (and they are very well off). I am kind and appreciative of what they do give her and keep anything negative to myself. Anything I deem literally unsafe goes into the closet until she's old enough but I don't resell their gifts or mock them to their face. It's hers not mine.. and someone loved her enough to use their hard earned money for them and I feel she should have some say in it.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> No three year needs a laptop. I'd find a way to drop that thing into the tub or something.


The OP's daughter is 5 not 3.

OP - isn't possible that your husband approved the satellite and then when he saw your reaction changed his tune so that he wouldn't get in trouble with you? Is it possible that at they were just trying to ease your burden in entertaining your kids since you have had such a difficult pregnancy thus far by providing you with a way to entertain them?[/VIDEO] get in trouble with you? Is it possible that at they were just trying to ease your burden in entertaining your kids since you have had such a difficult pregnancy thus far by providing you with a way to entertain them?


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

Some screen time is fine. A cute toy is fine. Let this one go.

Screens don't magically mesmerize kids who are otherwise engaged. Mine plays with his video game for a while, then turns it off and insists that we run around being the characters and imagining new situations for them to be in. Active, imaginative - and from a screen. It happens all the time

Don't be mean and throw away a harmless gift that your daughter opens and probably gets excited about. It's unkind to her and to your in-laws.

This time of year drives me crazy on MDC.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *SneakyPie*
> 
> This time of year drives me crazy on MDC.


Me, too.

People love to complain about being burdened by holiday gifts. GIFTS! It's like some entitled first world problem.

Be grateful you have people in your life who want to celebrate you and your children. They aren't out to 'get you' or inconvenience you or destroy your parenting values. And, even if that is their true intention, don't let someone else's actions bother you and define you in a way that causes you stress! Just say a gracious thank you and move on.

I promise, in the grand scheme of life these little things like a pink toy laptop at age 5 are not going to be a big deal at all. It's easy to think so when your kids are still little, but Barbie dolls or flashing toys are not going to ruin the person you are raising. In fact, they just might bring joy to your little one and strengthen family bonds.


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## Triniity (Jul 15, 2007)

So many replies, thank you girls, it really got me thinking.

Sorry SneakyPie, I know what you mean







.

TCMoulton, no it is not to help us. Okay, I might have a couple of issues with my inlaws, that is another story, and it is probably the root of the problem. They did not accept me from the very beginning, my MIL is highly manipulative with DH (as in : I am going to kill myself if you marry that woman - he did anyway and she is still alive) and they did not want our first baby (She is trying to get you to marry her, you need to make her end the pregnancy) - we lost that baby and I did not forgive - I am working on that - for my kids.) And now they are all over their grandchildren - but only on their terms. But I guess that´s a different topic.

The satellite dish was purely because FIL can not stand it to not be able to watch tv while he is here, when we still had one the tv was on all the time when he was around. He tried to get tv for himself, not for us. They are not thinking about the difficulties of the pregnancy or our life at the moment, they never offered to help us with the kids or anything. They only want the fun part out of being grandparents. Which is in general fine, they already raised their son, it´s okay to have fun, but them visiting us would only add to my burden, so it´s just not an option at the moment.

Babygirlie, I am sorry that you feel that way. And I am more than grateful for my wonderful spirited kids. I am not as much grateful for my inlaws though.

Imakcerca, we have a huge yard, about an acre, that is where the idea is coming from, but obviously it is not very realistic.

@captain optimism: I think that is the point, my inlaws just do crazy to us things all the time, and it´s always about them, never about anybody else. They are quite toxic, not yet to the children, but to their son (not even talking about me). And sometimes it´s even a health hazard for the kids (who have food sensitivities and are quite hyper anyway). Even when they want to visit us it´s all about them, it´s like: We have time the next weekend, after it we are going away or do this or that, and if we say, sorry, DH is working all weekend they are like: you never allow us to come. It is a quite complicated situation...I don´t like the way they feel entitled to their grandchildren, it´s not as if they "earned" them or anything ...

I think I´ll take the advise and I´ll just don´t say anything about it anymore. Letting it go. I am not able to change them anyway, obviously, and maybe I am just overly hormonal at the moment. It is just a bit funny, in a way, because that HK Laptop (Plaything - not actual laptop) is kind of a symbol for their disregard of our values. They were talking about it for a couple of years already, and now they actually found one...


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Um, I'm sorry....did I bump my head and end up on babycenter or something???? I am absolutely shocked by some of the responses on this thread.

Who the hell here has a right to tell the OP that her desire to keep her kids faces out of screens is stupid?? Because that's basically what you people are saying. "It's stupid, not a hill to die on, let it go" - are you people feeling okay?

I'm sorry, a FIVE YEAR OLD does not need a laptop...and thankyouverymuch but "all the cool games" it comes pre-loaded with, for her to "learn with"...that's like, half the reason I wouldn't want this stupid piece of crap in my house in the first place. My kids are learning with tools, their hands and with guidance from their mama....they do not suckle at the teat of electronic knowledge...they are WAY too young for that. Five is WAY to young for that. It messes with kids visually and is not stimulating their brains in healthy ways for them to be sucked into these computer games....oh, and the glorious part of it...is the ads WITHIN the games that keep pushing "The Next Most Awesome Game" that your kid just HAS to have....it's gross. I've looked into these "learning games" and almost EVERY single one of them contains themes in the way the characters are modeled and the dialogue and voices that they use that I find offensive or inappropriate for my kids.

I don't care if the OP is currently using screen time occasionally -picking a couple of shows that SHE thinks are OK- to try and get through a rough patch...she is the damn MAMA in this situation and she has a right to deviate from her "ideal" from time to time when she's in a difficult place...the fact that she's doing so doesn't mean that it's open season for any and everyone to come in and trash her chosen mode of being with her kids.

These toys are made specifically to suck young kids into the trap of consumerism. The flashy games, catchy tunes and cartoon characters with cult followings are mass marketed for ONE purpose...and that purpose is to hook your kids into the feeding frenzy machine of modern day consumerism. That's it. That's the damn point of it. NONE of these jingly, plastic electronic noise machines are made for your kids true enjoyment!! Do you think big wig executives are sitting up in their offices all rosy cheeked and feeling warm inside because they brought ENJOYMENT to your children? No, they are specifically designing, creating and mass marketing for the PURE purpose of driving profits....they want your kid to love Hello Kitty so that they will go bananas for ALL HK stuff. Geez louise. They are not creating ENJOYMENT.....they are trying to create OBSESSION. There is a difference. One is fun and good for children...the other is very bad for them.

Many, many parents (myself included) try and limit the amount of gifts that are given because it's OUT OF CONTROL how much shit people will load up into their cars and drop off at your house. I

I am MORALLY, philosophically and spiritually opposed to the mindless consumerism, the practical enslavement of the masses of people in other places who have to MAKE this crap and the idea that children need a whole house full of plastic crap to keep them happy.

My kids don't listen to weird electronic music from plastic toys for fun....they hang out with their chickens...make things in the woods...cook things in the kitchen with me. That's not to say I never deviate. If we're sick, David the Gnome is probably coming on. There are some FINE movies and even a few shows out there that I don't mind them watching on a rainy day, after they come in from playing in it and want to get dry drink some cocoa.

But a hunk of plastic, made by desperately poor people in third world living conditions that comes preloaded with offensive, culturally sick games that are meant to "teach" my kids....yeah, HELL NO am I cool with that coming into my house.

This, to me, is not about Hello Kitty. This is not about her ILs wanting to give something to DD that they know will make her happy. They have repeatedly and actively sought to make known their disapproval of the lifestyle the OP and her spouse have chosen for their family. ORDERING CABLE for them?? Are you serious? The OP is not in a war with her ILs....the ILs are JERKS.

OP:

1. Thank them for the gift, then tell them it can be the special toy that DD plays with at their house.

2. After Christmas sometime, mention casually to your mother in law that while you appreciate the thought a lot and absolutely adore her for loving your kids so much....it's really important to you that certain gifts not be given to them because they just don't fit with the lifestyle you are trying to lead with the kids right now and the electronic toys just get them too jazzed up and it's tough, especially for her son, to get them quieted and calm after exposure to such toys.

You have a RIGHT to make decisions for your family. The decisions you are trying to make and the things you are trying to create limited exposure too are not weird...they are very understandable and actually based on pretty good science.

Look.....many of you who have known me for a while around here know that I'm often the first person to stand up and say "Humor your childrens grandparents and respect the relationship they form with them" - because I BELIEVE that grandparent relationships are special and that grandparents should enjoy their grandkids....but constantly pushing the issue and bending rules and boundaries that the parents are trying to enforce is not cool.

If this were a skateboard.....a doll, a book that the OP doesn't like...any number of other things, I would say "let it go, she'll grow out of it" - but this specific kind of gift is PARTICULARLY disrespectful, given the nature of the toy and I would have no problem saying it.

For the record, it is well known that my preference is that my children are given only a few small, meaningful or fun gifts. No one on either side of our family has a problem with this and actually, after discussing the whole thing and why we feel the way they do, they applaud our choices and have more fun picking gifts because they are only looking for one, maybe two, special things and aren't breaking the bank every Christmas. On both sides of the family everyone "gets" what we're trying to do and is very cool with it and our kids, as a result, have ended up with some REALLY stellar, awesome toys that they treat well and will be able to pass on to other little children when they grow out of them. Kids don't need much!! Around our house, there are few toys that my kids (3 and 2) actually take care of and cherish, because it's not one thing on a heaping pile of plastic. My three year old could tell you what toys she has...she could actually name them...because she doesn't have too many. She plays with things that actively engage her imagination...and that's not to say she has no plastic toys. There are a couple here and there that are just TOO awesome for playing pretend to pass up. Everyone gets them something that is good for them and age appropriate and then the MAIN focus of the holiday is feasting and being together. My kids have more fun and get more wrapped up in anticipation at the thought of being with everyone and eating all the food and baked good and seeing all of their family than they do with "gift anticipation".

I'm allowed to think consumerism sucks. I'm allowed to want to keep the cancer of needing new flashy things that make obnoxious sounds away from my small children. Five is too young to get them started on that kind of crap. Until my kids are old enough to have an actual, intelligent conversation and decide for themselves if they feel comfortable supporting what basically amounts to the modern day Slaving Industry....they are not going to have this crap around.

I don't like giving toxic toys to my kids, that are made by people who have no choices, no upward mobility and no way to provide their own children with basic medical care and proper nutrition. I'm all set with the blood, sweat and tears of mind bogglingly poor people in far away places tainting my childrens own little spirits and I have a RIGHT to feel that way.

Sorry for the novel and the ranting, but I am surpised, given the way these ILs have repeatedly mocked and challenged the OPs parenting choices, that you people would be all "get over it". Plus, it's not like she's saying "I don't want ANY ORANGE toys...NO ORANGE NO ORANGE" - like some sort of crazy person. She's objecting to something that MANY of the mamas on this site claim to be actively trying to keep away from their young children.

We're not talking about a 13 year old here, we're talking about a five year old. This is a ridiculous situation.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I still want the pony.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> I still want the pony.


That goes without saying.


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## Snapdragon (Aug 30, 2007)

*AverysMomma*









I agree with what you said


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## Triniity (Jul 15, 2007)

AverysMomma: Wow. You put it into words. And that is exactly how I am feeling. And thank you for telling me that I am not a weird person because of it. I love your post! DD will not get/keep the laptop.

I just a couple of hours ago I had a talk with DH, telling him that I am willing to let it go, but he told me that he is not. He basically told me the things you just said, we are the persons making the decisions for our child, and we are responsible.

He will tell them to get rid of the laptop and encourage them to get the stroller instead. Same price class, and I guess you could even get it with HK on it .

Imakcerka:







(there is this saying though: Be careful what you wish for, you could actually get it!) - I so don´t want a pony!


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## daisymama12 (Jul 2, 2006)

Averysmama, I see your point, when it comes to your/our own consumption.

To be honest, I often think about the hidden costs for a lot of the products that make their way into our homes, including the computers each of us are working on. The natural resources they use, the people that were exploited to extract those resources, etc etc. So we're all pretty guilty, unfortunately. I try to make good choices, by and large.

But back to my point, we can control what we do with our money, but I don't think we should extend that to others.

I'm a vegetarian, but I think you should eat what you want. I would resent someone telling me how to spend my money.

But gift giving is cultural, and maybe others feel differently. I am of the thought that you graciously accept, and that's it.

One parenting moment that made me *really* proud was when a boy at my sons birthday party gave my son Costco-style grey socks (3 pairs) and a white t-shirt for his 7th birthday - kind of strange. The family is not poorly off, and I really like them. Maybe a cultural thing, who knows.

Anyhow, my son didn't miss a beat, he said, Wow, that's great! I really like these socks and shirt, thanks J! I'm going to wear them to school.

OP, I'm sorry your in-laws were crappy to you, I hope things look up, and I still think you should take the high road - thank them graciously and move on.


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

I haven't read through the thread, but I would find it incredibly harsh for your daughter to be given a toy and then not allowed to play with it because you think it is cheap plastic rubbish. Even at MDC, do you realize how that sounds? The toy has already been purchased. You already have a less than great relationship with your in-laws. Is a cheap plastic toy really something you want to rock the boat over? At best, you will come off as ungrateful and snobby to your in-laws. Your daughter is going to be disappointed and confused. I wouldn't go there. It just isn't worth it. (And this is coming from someone whose kid also got a cheap rubbish computer from grandparents who I can't stand last year too...and I am just as sick of the plastic toys).


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## APToddlerMama (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife*
> 
> Me, too.
> 
> ...


Me three!!!! How many of these threads have we had already and it is the first week of November.


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## minkin03 (May 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> So you want your children to never have screen time at any age, even though you are currently using screen time to help you get through pregnancy and your DH isn't on the same page at all as you?
> 
> ...


I agree.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AverysMomma*
> 
> Who the hell here has a right to tell the OP that her desire to keep her kids faces out of screens is stupid?? Because that's basically what you people are saying. "It's stupid, not a hill to die on, let it go" - are you people feeling okay?


I feel like your post is a direct response to mine, but I would have preferred you had actually quoted what I said and then responded to it, rather than adding words I didn't use, wouldn't ever use, and that don't represent how I think.

I don't think it is the hill to die on. I also don't think the OPer is stupid. There is a massive difference. I think she sounds tired, stressed out, and at the end of her tether with her inlaws.

You are just venting and swearing. You aren't actually engaging in a dialogue about how to teach our values to kids WHILE getting along with other people in our kids' lives, which is a pretty complex issue.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *daisymama12*
> 
> Averysmama, I see your point, when it comes to your/our own consumption.
> 
> ...


I see what you are trying to say. You are a vegetarian....but you support my right to spend my money on meat.

Do you support my right to spend my money on meat for your children? I bet you don't. Or maybe you do. But the bottom line is, it's not for me to say. It's for you to say. We're not talking about a bowl of soup with chicken broth in it. We're talking, I want to buy your kids some McDonalds chicken nuggets and an Arbys beef sandwhich. Oh, and some pork rinds too. <----- that's the way I see the HK computer. It's not "sort of yuck", it's basically the epitome of everything I'm trying to avoid with my kids at this age. I feel like a parent has a right to make a stink about something which COMPLETELY flies in the face of their belief system. You've got to draw a line SOMEWHERE, right? If not, why do we even sit around and try and think about the way we want to live, or why we want to live that way. Values, mean it's important to you, the things you value....it's something that you would like to be able to say about yourself, about your family....a basic, underlying mission statement.

There are a few basic things I believe are important for my family, things I would like to be able to say about us. What we eat, watch and believe in are very important to me. Slip ups, lazy days and well meaning relatives feeding them yucky (delicious!) food with terrifying ingredients are tolerated. I'm not a control freak with my kids. I'm not going to freak out if I return from an afternoon off to find that Nonnie is letting them watch a video she dug out of storage from when her kids were little. That's all cool with me, because everyone in my life is so respectful of the reasons why we are the way we are. The general rules of my house are what they are....and I'm doing my kids a favor by living the way I live and insisting upon the things that I do. I believe that much of the cultural illness in the world springs from a few places...and I'm trying to mold a perspective for my kids, which will allow them true vision in deciding how they want to live later on. I don't demonize things, we just don't talk about certain things. I don't go around blasting how other people live....we just LIVE the way we do and respect other peoples differences. When my children are old enough for me to really start introducing topics of conversation about the way other people live, what modern day slavery looks like and what consumerism is, etc....I want to be able to have a conversation that does not entail a whole lot of "explaining away" and "apologizing for" certain things about our own lifestyle which obviously clash with the idea that we don't want to be a part of that chain of slavery and consumerism.

As for us all being guilty, re: supporting slave labor. Yeah. For the most part, in some way, we are all a part of that chain no matter how hard we try to break free and we all share some guilt in the ways of the world....but I think that if you are doing the best you can and remain conscious and talk to people and your kids about it, you shouldn't walk around feeling *responsible*.

We just stopped buying things new. A long time ago...just stopped. This is something I grew up with, owning most things second hand, and so it's not really hard for me to do now. This day and age is perfect for people like us because of the growing rise in consignment galleries and freecyclers and things of that nature mean that there is never a short supply of second hand items in like new condition for you to buy at really great prices. I can honestly count on one hand the number of times my DD/DS has put on a piece of clothing that was brand new. One hand. Five times or less, this has happened. But they wear great clothes...Hannah Anderson, Gymboree, Baby Gap, etc. People are all the time remarking that I must spend a fortune for the great quality, beautiful clothing they wear. But it costs me next to nothing because it's all from our favorite consignment shop (which is SO awesome and crunchy and sells cloth diapers and great stuff for moms and babies through teen agers!) or it's from one of the clothing swaps I go to and the best part is, after it is gently worn, I can either bring it back and consign it (if it's in newish condition) for money on my account at the consignment store or I bring it to the clothing swaps. I don't have giant bins of clothing hanging around and the things I trade in, go toward buying their new clothes. I spend practically NOTHING.

We don't buy anything new though....home goods, office supplies, clothes...there is honestly almost NOTHING that is new. It is one of my main goals in everything I do, to avoid directly giving money to the companies which support the slave industry abroad. I won't put that crap on my kids...I can't even bear to think of them wearing a garment that was made by a woman whose own children are wearing rags. Can't do it. I say prayers for those mothers and I spend my time looking for ways to NOT buy the things they make directly from the companies that have them made. I take voting with my dollars extremely seriously. My computer was bought for me new. That made me sad. But it was a gift and one I use for working.

But, looking around my house, my soul is light for two reasons: One, almost NOTHING here, in my whole house, was bought new and Two, my house is not overflowing with useless shit. I don't have things I don't need and I make it a point to really be sure about what I think I need before I try to find it.


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## Chicky2 (May 29, 2002)

Puke. Really. I cannot believe the crap I'm reading on this thread. Absolutely shameful.

I never enjoyed the stuff my MIL would buy for my kids because I would have spent the $ differently. I never ever told her how I felt and never ever took any of the things from my children. What the heck happened to "it's the thought that counts"? YK what? After watching my MIL die from choking I sure wish she were here to buy them some more crap. I guess people just don't get how precious just HAVING these people in your life to buy that crap is. I'm seeing very darkened hearts here.


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## minkin03 (May 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *daisymama12*
> 
> One parenting moment that made me *really* proud was when a boy at my sons birthday party gave my son Costco-style grey socks (3 pairs) and a white t-shirt for his 7th birthday - kind of strange. The family is not poorly off, and I really like them. Maybe a cultural thing, who knows.
> 
> Anyhow, my son didn't miss a beat, he said, Wow, that's great! I really like these socks and shirt, thanks J! I'm going to wear them to school.


I think this is wonderful. He may not have wanted the socks and shirt but he responded politely and I'm sure he will find a way to make use of it. This is what we should be teaching our children. I had a neighbor once who would always buy my dd a Bratz doll. I can't stand Bratz dolls and my dd knew she wasn't allowed to have it but we accepted it graciously and said thank you. We have donated the toys to a children's home and then I let my dd pick out different toy at the store in exchange. With ILS it's a little more complicated b/c they are family. If it were me I would either have them keep the toy at their home for when the child visited, or allow your child to use it during the short period of time that you are allowing screen time.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Maybe this might be hard for some who don't have others in their lives that even consider the kids at all. It's almost like thanks for thinking of us but not good enough because you didn't follow my rules. Go back and redo it! Either way if they know you don't want something in your house and it's really against your wishes I suppose there is no wrong in letting them know.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> I feel like your post is a direct response to mine, but I would have preferred you had actually quoted what I said and then responded to it, rather than adding words I didn't use, wouldn't ever use, and that don't represent how I think.
> 
> ...


I really wasn't aiming anything directly at you at all...I'm sorry you are feeling so defensive today, it must be "all that wild swearing" I was doing. I would hope you'd know that if I had a bone to pick with you I would quote you...kind of like I'm doing right now.

As for the bolded, I was actually engaging in a dialogue about how the OP has a right as a parent to outline certain goals and missions for her family...certain values that guide the choices they make for their kids. Again, we're not talking about a 13 child...we're talking about a five year old, a practical baby. If you were able to wade through to atrocious language I used and get past the offensiveness of my post...I'm sure you noticed that I told her to accept the gift, request that it be a special toy that the DD plays with while at their house (she could even say something along the lines of "oh, I'm just afraid it would be ruined at our home!") and at a later date, casually reiterate the values and ideals that the OP is striving for with her kids...while remaining gracious and appreciative of the thought and time that went into picking out the gift.Getting along with other people in our kids lives, while maintaining the values that are important to us, IS a complex issue. But like any relationship, the one with her ILs is a two way street. They are, on a constant basis, undermining the values of the OPs household and mocking the ways in which they have chosen to live. Past a certain point, what is the OP to do? What hill IS a hill to die on?

Again...the point is not whether or not HK is bad news...it's about the ILs constantly dismissing and undermining her values...and now, doing it AGAIN with something that is not a "minor" undermining of their families stated values. I find the "Band of Eye Rollers" swooping in to tell her that her values aren't important enough to try and enforce when they are being mocked repeatedly to be just as dismissive and, quite frankly, I was especially offended when, right on the OPs very thread, sarcastic comments about "oh geez, guess it's THAT time of year again, I guess we're going to have to start wading through these kinds of posts again" eyeroll: :eyeroll: :smug high fives all around were posted. That's really rude. Possibly even more rude than my vile, over the top, hard to wade through obscene language.

Hey, I have a helpful tip for those of you who are "so disgusted" with "these kinds of posts" every year.....why don't you stop reading and responding to "these kinds" of posts?? Seriously, Merry Christmas, my gift to you this year is not having to "suffer through" all of these dumb posts about people who are overwhelmed with the complex family dynamics that come along with gift giving and small children and ILs who don't see eye to eye with your parenting philosophies. <---- Oh, what, that's an unwanted gift?? Too bad.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

I think all gifts should be accepted with a thank you. I don't love every gift my children are given, but I certainly don't take it away from my happy kid and tell them how inappropriate it is and then donate it. Talk with your inlaws and explain why you prefer one type of toy over another if you want. I totally see this as the kid wants a particular item and Grandma and Grandpa give it to her. Sounds pretty normal to me.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *montessorimama1*
> 
> OP - No 5 yr old will benefit from a computer; children at that age require tangible experiences with toys that support their developmental needs. Children learn through movement, through using their hands, through stimulation of the senses in real world experiences... I would explain to your MIL that while the thought is a lovely one, and certainly in the future a computer will be a valuable asset, at this point you would like your daughter's development to be respected. Then, suggest other things that your daughter has expressed interest in, which will give her more opportunities for creative, non-judgmemental, and non-electronic play.


Many 5 year olds benefit from computer time. My kid's favorite part of school? The 15 minutes a day he spends practicing letter on the computer.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Chicky2*
> 
> Puke. Really. I cannot believe the crap I'm reading on this thread. Absolutely shameful.
> 
> I never enjoyed the stuff my MIL would buy for my kids because I would have spent the $ differently. I never ever told her how I felt and never ever took any of the things from my children. What the heck happened to "it's the thought that counts"? YK what? After watching my MIL die from choking I sure wish she were here to buy them some more crap. I guess people just don't get how precious just HAVING these people in your life to buy that crap is. I'm seeing very darkened hearts here.


Very true. If some posters want to end their child's relationship with their grandparents over buying toys with batteries, that's just sad. I think teaching your children to accept gifts with grace is infinitely more important than teaching them to reject gifts because they're exactly the right one. Teaching them, by example, your values will go much further than simply sheltering them from everything in the world that you don't want them exposed to. (I find it hilarious that so many posters in this thread claim to limit screen time while they're sitting on their own computers. Wonder why your kid wants a laptop?)


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## daisymama12 (Jul 2, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AverysMomma*
> 
> I see what you are trying to say. You are a vegetarian....but you support my right to spend my money on meat.
> 
> ...


I think it's great that you don't buy anything new, and I think we should all move towards that.

In my first post on this thread, I wrote that my parents did feed my kids meat when they were little, and not even remotely organic - cold cuts, salami, grocery store meat, etc.

I don't think it's great, but I balanced a good relationship against those occasional meat-feasts and decided it wasn't a battle I would choose.

My parents are old, and they love my kids, and feed them when they take care of them. I thought it would be overbearing and ungrateful to dictate what they should eat, especially since everyone was happy (except me - as I said, I don't love the idea of them eating meat).

I'm seriously not trying to be rude here, but do you see irony regarding you accepting the new laptop gift but denying it to your daughter?


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *daisymama12*
> 
> I think it's great that you don't buy anything new, and I think we should all move towards that.
> 
> ...


No. It's not the same thing.(and I'm not feeling rudeness from you at all, I sincerely hope I'm not coming off as rude to you!) First of all, I have an adult brain and DD does not. Hers is still forming. I'm not going to go into the science that supports my feeling that most types of media are not safe for small, developing brains, but it's science I believe in. Furthermore, I wish I hadn't been gifted the computer. I'm still getting used to the idea. I had an old desktop that I bought second hand, so that I didn't have to hand money over to Dell or whatever....but it was so old that I couldn't run a lot of programs and that meant that I had to go to different places (all very far away) like families houses and occasionally to kinkos or something, to do things that I should be able to do at home.It also meant that I couldn't go outside to work while my kids are running wild out there and would have to stop working and get distracted by going downstairs to peek out a window at them. My business partner finally just bought a laptop for me (out of company funds) because I was being stubborn about it....it's true that in the last couple of weeks I've been posting a lot on Mothering...because business is slow this time of year and I'm pregnant and sick as a dog....but this laptop is normally used exclusively for working. As in, putting food on the table. Trust me, I wish I never had to turn the thing on. But still...it's not the same. There are no bright lights, catchy tunes and offensive (to me) characters and concepts for my DD to get sucked in to. It's not appropriate for kids, in my view. It's just not.

I totally agree with you, re: the cold cuts and your parents. There have been SO many times when my mother or MIL was doing something with the kids that I would normally NEVER do, or saying something that I don't agree with, etc....but as long as they are happy and bonding and building awesome memories, it rarely even crosses my mind until much later that they were eating something terrible, hearing something I'm not ready for my kids to talk about or whatever. I didn't have grandparents growing up and I always fantasized about what it would be like...so I DO NOT insert myself into the middle of that relationship, I respect it highly. I'm not a total crazy person about this stuff, I really don't spend **any time** policing anyones behavior around my kids, really, AT ALL. I'm not like that at all.....but the reason I don't have to be, is because everyone in our life is loving and respectful. They dig that we care about making a simple lovely world for our kids and they respect that it's our right to want to see things done a certain way. So, it's an exception to the rule that someone does something that I really wouldn't do in my house...and I never. say. a. word....because I know that when Nonnie sits down and watched Little Mermaid with them...or Grandmimi feeds them shrimp fries...even though Disney Princess is TOTALLY not a part of our life at home and even though I'm CERTAIN those gross looking shrimp fries had msg or something gross in them....that our family is just being in the moment and having fun with our kids. I would rather have a grandparent who gets wrapped up in fun and shows them something I don't like or feeds them something I would NEVER feed my kids....than to have grandparents who are thinking "should I do this? Is this okay" and second guess themselves.

I don't try and dictate what the relationships look like....but I'm in a family where, on both sides, the worst thing that happens is some kind of gross junk food once in a blue moon...or some Disney Princess here and there...underneath what happens and how things go down, is a basic love and respect from everyone, when it comes to what I'm trying to do as a parent. These people believe in me, in my DH and in our vision for our family...and they want us to succeed in reaching our goals as parents.

Why does the OP have to keep bending and bending....why do her ILs get to undermine her and be UNloving and DISrespectful at every turn. When does the OP get to say "no"? That's my gripe here.How come they keep getting to do this to her...but she's got to be "mindful of the complexities of family dynamics" etc etc. She's obviously trying...it's wearing her out.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alyantavid*
> 
> I think all gifts should be accepted with a thank you. I don't love every gift my children are given, but I certainly don't take it away from my happy kid and tell them how inappropriate it is and then donate it. Talk with your inlaws and explain why you prefer one type of toy over another if you want. I totally see this as the kid wants a particular item and Grandma and Grandpa give it to her. Sounds pretty normal to me.
> 
> ...


I'm sure there is a gift someone could give your kid (at five years old), that you would find offensive and that you would insist upon leaving at the home of the giver for "special play time at xyz's house". I respect where you draw the line, why is my line so dumb?

There is a huge difference between the 15 minutes a day that your child spends practicing letters on the computer at school and the ATROCIOUS games that they preload for kids on these electronic gaming systems and mini-laptops.

As for the bolded....my son is sleeping next to me and my DD is in the yard making a snowman, where she has been for hours today and where my son was until he came in and crashed. My kids don't sit and watch me when I'm on the computer and I'm rarely on it when they are in my space and in need of my attention. My DD doesn't want a laptop at all...because she hasn't been exposed to the idea that they are a source of entertainment and fun. Her entertainment and fun comes from her mind, the outside and her brother and dogs and other family members. She has only seen extremely boring things being done with a laptop, with the exception of the occasional thing that I look up and show her (for instance, she wanted to see pictures of a sari, so that she could draw a woman wearing one, so I showed her pictures from the internet).

Nobody said anything at all about the OP rejecting the gift in front of her DD. I've never been put in a situation where an inappropriate gift was given...but if I were, it would be between me and the adult who gave it and there would be profuse thanking...and a thank you note from DD. I don't teach my children to shoot down gifts or nay say other peoples efforts. But when they are old enough to understand, I WILL talk with them about not tolerating constant disrespect from family members.

And yeah I DO limit screen time. What, because *I* use a computer(mostly for work), I should just "give up" and not restrict screen time for my kids? Well...I also don't let my kids drink alcohol...but you know, adults DO get to drink in my house. Wow, that seems a bit hypocritical, doesn't it!? That's it....beers for all the kids from now on!! I was such a silly fool, making the adult decision to restrict my childrens access to something I feel is not age appropriate/healthy for them, while indulging in said restricted item myself! NO MORE!! I'm reformed!!


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

You're putting in a lot words that no one is using. I never said your line was "dumb". However, you do understand that what works for you and your life, may not work the same for others?

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AverysMomma*
> 
> I'm sure there is a gift someone could give your kid (at five years old), that you would find offensive and that you would insist upon leaving at the home of the giver for "special play time at xyz's house". I respect where you draw the line, why is my line so dumb?
> 
> ...


My kid has had a play laptop with games on it. I didn't find them atrocious at all, they were spelling games. I never said you should give up your work, not sure hwere that came from. I'm just pointing out that kids want to do what their parents do. Seeing mom or dad on a computer and them wanting their own computer isn't a huge leap. You're getting really defensive about posts that don't agree with your views.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Alyantavid*
> 
> You're putting in a lot words that no one is using. I never said your line was "dumb". *However, you do understand that what works for you and your life, may not work the same for others?*
> 
> My kid has had a play laptop with games on it. I didn't find them atrocious at all, they were spelling games. I never said you should give up your work, not sure hwere that came from. I'm just pointing out that kids want to do what their parents do. Seeing mom or dad on a computer and them wanting their own computer isn't a huge leap. You're getting really defensive about posts that don't agree with your views.


The bolded is all I'm trying to say.

The OP started her post by explaining her values and why this laptop is not good for their home. She made HER values known. So, why do I keep hearing about other peoples values? I shouldn't be reading posts about how "well my kid lvoes the computer" - yeah, good for you, the OP needs advice about how not to start a feud with her ILs and still maintain the kind of household she is striving for. Over and over again on this thread we've heard (paraphrasing and generalizing) "I can't BELIEVE anyone would honestly make such a big deal out of a Hello Kitty laptop" - and what I'm trying to say is that, as a parent, I have a RIGHT to think that a HK laptop is completely inappropriate for my five year old. If I draw the line at the Hello Kitty laptop, that's where the line is. It's not about the laptop...it's about the mindless time suck and electronic noise and flashing lights and the fact that many of us here agree with the science that says that it's not good for developing brains to be in front of that crap. At all. Again...we're not talking about something like a movie...that runs for an hour and then is off. We're talking about a mode of entertainment, an ENTIRE CONCEPT, that the OP finds completely inappropriate for her five year old, that will be on and ready at any time of the day or night. Some of us don't like to encourage electronic play and media as entertainment to small children. This is not some far off fringe thing around here, many parents on MDC feel this way. There are whole philosophies surrounding childrearing and education that highly promote media free households for small children for very well thought out and scientifically backed reasons. I'm not saying YOU should be media free...I'm saying the OP, as a parent who is striving for media restriction in her house who has made her feelings and wishes known MANY times and who has those wishes and feelings thrown in her face over and over again by the same people, has the right to tell those people "Oh, thank you so much....you know, I think that should be a special toy that we keep at your house for them to play with!"....she has a right not to have it in her house. It's not a doll. It's not a board game. It's a talking, blinking, music blaring, ray emitting electronic toy that the ILs bought KNOWING FULL WELL that it doesn't fit with the basic goals that the family is striving to meet.

When you say something like "My sons favorite part of the day is the fifteen minutes he spends learning his letters on the computer" and "...your values will go much further than *simply* sheltering them from everything in the world that you don't want them exposed to..." - it makes it seem like the intention of some parents to restrict access to or shelter young kids from certain things is misguided and like, because it works for YOUR son, that other moms shouldn't make such a big deal out of it. A lot of the comments here have been dismissive of the goals of media restricting parents and yeah, I get defensive, when people suggest that I'm "simply" sheltering my kids from certain things instead of teaching them by example. So, yeah....you didn't say "dumb"....but you certainly made it seem like the ideas of us "shelterers" are a bit silly.

Anyway. The situation the OP has found herself in is one tiny snapshot of her life and interactions with her ILs. OP, my advice about what to actually do is in my initial post, there have been some other suggestions that I think are really worth looking at. Ignore the people who make it seem like you're making a big deal out of nothing. It's not nothing..you are not crazy, I understand why this thing in particular is just too much. The important thing is navigating this respectfully with your ILs...don't start something with them, but don't back down and let them make a mockery of everything you are working on with your family.

My son is waking up, I'm sure because of my intense click clacking. Time to go.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

First, I'd like to request that people try to keep this thread respectful. I know that feelings get tense around this subject becasue the response of one person can feel like such a personal attack to another. But you can attempt to disagree while not being insulting.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *daisymama12*
> 
> I'm a vegetarian, but I think you should eat what you want. I would resent someone telling me how to spend my money.


The question is, for *this family* is this situation equivalent to giving a gift to a vegetarian of a beef stick. At some point, a gift stops being a sincere gift and crosses the line into passive agressiveness.

I do NOT know where it is for this family. I also CANNOT know how passionately the OP feels about plastic. It is not my issue, but I have other issues that you may find unimportant. Other people's views of them does not mean I need to give them up. I think each family does need to pick their "hill to die on." For me, a Hello Kitty Laptop for a 5 year old wouldn't be it (It would become a car toy. I know this because my kids got Leapsters at that age and that is what they were. Then the DSs). But I may have another issue. It is hard when your expectations do not line up with mainstream society because the line gets tricky. I think we can all agree that there ARE gifts that we would no allow our young children to accept with politeness and goodwill (for example, pornography). But that is a common, shared societal feeling. Wheras when you have an aversion to something that is acceptable within the mainstream, communicating that belief can be hard and then met with disbelief.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *AverysMomma*
> 
> I'm sure there is a gift someone could give your kid (at five years old), that you would find offensive and that you would insist upon leaving at the home of the giver for "special play time at xyz's house". *I respect where you draw the line, why is my line so dumb?*


For me, in these situations it comes back to the objective of the giver. If an aquaintance gave a gift that went against my beliefs in some way, it would't be a big deal. If a close family member did, and I knew for a fact they understood the symbolism of the gift--- the issue is no longer the ITEM, the issue is the lack of respect towards my desires.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TiredX2*
> 
> First, I'd like to request that people try to keep this thread respectful. I know that feelings get tense around this subject becasue the response of one person can feel like such a personal attack to another. But you can attempt to disagree while not being insulting.
> 
> ...


I've often wished I could be more concise and less impassioned on the internet, I struggle so hard with both of those things. If I had to dream up a perfect post to this thread, the above is what I would have wanted to post. Everything you said is exactly what I feel...especially the bolded...that is EXACTLY what is happening to the OP here.


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## 95191 (Nov 8, 2007)

Quote:


> If a close family member did, and I knew for a fact they understood the symbolism of the gift--- the issue is no longer the ITEM, the issue is the lack of respect towards my desires.


Quote:


> At some point, a gift stops being a sincere gift and crosses the line into passive agressiveness.


exactly how I see these gift issues


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## daisymama12 (Jul 2, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TiredX2*
> 
> First, I'd like to request that people try to keep this thread respectful. I know that feelings get tense around this subject becasue the response of one person can feel like such a personal attack to another. But you can attempt to disagree while not being insulting.
> 
> ...


My parents did serve (gift?) my kids meat.

I chose not to assign negative intentions to the action. I could have perceived it as passive aggressiveness, or disrespect for my values. I chose to see it from a more positive intention; they wanted to share the food *they* love with their grandchildren. I think it's gross and unhealthy. They don't see it that way.

I'm not saying there is a right or a wrong way. My somewhat selfish thinking is that maybe if I let my parents enjoy their grandchildren the way the see fit, my kids will see that as a healthy model, and let me enjoy my grandchildren (that would be so so cool!) the way I want to when I'm older. And choose the gifts I want to get them.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Chicky2*
> 
> Puke. Really. I cannot believe the crap I'm reading on this thread. Absolutely shameful.
> 
> I never enjoyed the stuff my MIL would buy for my kids because I would have spent the $ differently. I never ever told her how I felt and never ever took any of the things from my children. *What the heck happened to "it's the thought that counts"?* YK what? After watching my MIL die from choking I sure wish she were here to buy them some more crap. I guess people just don't get how precious just HAVING these people in your life to buy that crap is. I'm seeing very darkened hearts here.


I've accepted, with thanks, many gifts that I didn't particularly like, or which conflicted with my beliefs and values. I've done so for myself, and on behalf of my kids. I definitely believe in being gracious and polite when accepting a gift, even if it's not one you like that much. (This has been really, really hard on dd1, for various reasons, but she's there now.)

However, "it's the thought that counts" only applies if the thought in question is truly generous. I don't know OP's in-laws, but she does. Maybe "the thought" isn't very nice, yk? I"ve had two people in my life who totally use gift-giving as a way to manipulate people, and it's sick, and really hard to watch. The "thought that counts" behind their gifts is nasty....really nasty. I'd rather have a crappy gift from someone who truly believed I'd love it, than a wonderful gift from someone who is using said gift to mess with my relationships. If the OP's in-laws are using gifts to mess with their son and DIL (OP), then I don't think OP or her dh are obligated to be gracious about it. These people sound like they have serious boundary issues.

I'm sincerely sorry that you lost your MIL. That must be so painful, especially at the holidays. But...I do hope this is going to come out okay, because I don't intend it in a mean way AT ALL...the fact that you don't have your MIL, or the fact that some people's parents/in-laws pay no attention to their own grandchildren, really doesn't have anything to do with this. I remember someone posting a thread about getting over 100 gifts for her dd, and she was clearly overwhelmed and near to (if not past) the point of tears. Several people brought up the "be grateful you have in-laws/parents/whomever taking an interest in your kids, because I don't". My question, then and now, is...if you're dying of thirst in the desert, do you really envy someone who is drowning? Grandparents who just aren't interested are a big problem. Grandparents who are so heavy-handed with the gifts that they stress out their children and grandchildren are also a problem, even if it's on the other end of the scale.

When I first read the OP about the HK laptop, I kind of went "meh - no biggie". Then, I read further, about the satellite dish, and the "I'll kill myself if you marry her" stuff. These people are not behaving in a caring, loving, generous fashion. They're behaving in a weird, unhealthy, controlling fashion. If it's the thought that counts, then I don't think OP should accept the laptop.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> I've accepted, with thanks, many gifts that I didn't particularly like, or which conflicted with my beliefs and values. I've done so for myself, and on behalf of my kids. I definitely believe in being gracious and polite when accepting a gift, even if it's not one you like that much. (This has been really, really hard on dd1, for various reasons, but she's there now.)
> 
> However, "it's the thought that counts" only applies if the thought in question is truly generous. I don't know OP's in-laws, but she does. Maybe "the thought" isn't very nice, yk? I"ve had two people in my life who totally use gift-giving as a way to manipulate people, and it's sick, and really hard to watch. The "thought that counts" behind their gifts is nasty....really nasty. I'd rather have a crappy gift from someone who truly believed I'd love it, than a wonderful gift from someone who is using said gift to mess with my relationships. If the OP's in-laws are using gifts to mess with their son and DIL (OP), then I don't think OP or her dh are obligated to be gracious about it. These people sound like they have serious boundary issues.


I agree with SB's analysis of generosity vs. manipulation. Take for instance my own situation: I have an in-law who practices a fundamentalist religion. For every single holiday, she has given my DD a bible. It infuriates me because I know that the purpose is not one of true generosity, but of an attempt to lead my child in a direction that the in-law knows we don't practice. Being the non-confrontational person I am IRL, I never say anything to her. If she does it again this year, I'm going to have think of something pleasant and non-confrontational to say to put an end to this. I don't know what, and it makes my gut hurt thinking about it, but the buck has to stop somewhere. I also want to add that I hope this is the least of my problems, and maybe I should live and let live. It is hard, though, when you are dealing with family members because avoidance is hard on so many levels. With friends, you get to choose those and we tend to gravitate to people with our own values and beliefs. I find it easy to just avoid or walk away from non-related people. With family, not so easy.


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## Purple*Lotus (Nov 1, 2007)

She probably wants one because she sees you on your laptop. Both are plastic, so I don't see the issue.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

OP can you convince your MIL to get your dd an actual laptop with an HK skin. that sure would be useful for her since you already give them limited screen time? at 5 a toy laptop is a bit much i think.

what about your dd's wishes? would she like it? does she have the 'forbidden fruit' personality? i have discovered my dd does. dd wanted a DSi for years. she wanted hand held games since she was 3. she got her DSi at 7. played with it for 6 months and hasnt touched it in the last 6 months. she has been into the computer though. by first grade she was using it as a research tool and watching some of her shows on it. i have also noticed with dd - she loves to try new things. we bring things or are given things and then they move on. so really my house is not overflowing - but it has been a temporary home for many junky things - because dd loves trying out things - always has. its been good for her to have it to realise its not all that she made it out to be. by 5 she had figured out that the commercials on tv were not what they made it out to be. i overheard her explaining to a child that to ignore the commercials because they promise more than they actually give. giving in to dd's wishes for crap means now at 9 she can figure out what to want. she will look at the thing and figure out if she has any use for it or not. she has learnt to discern that she shouldnt jump at her first reaction - to all the glittery sparkles, but to really see if she wants it or if she would really like to play with it for a little while.

so i have found sometimes indulging in the beginning helped dd be the person i would like her to be - by actually experiencing it herself - rather than me making that decision for her.

i think in this whole screen time and indulgences - what has really impacted her is not what i buy for her or not, but how I live my own life. what i myself do. she has learnt now to discern the worth of the thing or activity rather than what society tells her it is.


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## EarthMamaToBe (Feb 19, 2008)

What would I do? I'd say thanks SO much for getting DD something she really wants!

Just be thankful every day that your DD has grandparents who care enough to get her a gift. Not everyone has that.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EarthMamaToBe*
> 
> What would I do? I'd say thanks SO much for getting DD something she really wants!
> 
> Just be thankful every day that your DD has grandparents who care enough to get her a gift. Not everyone has that.


Why does "getting a gift" = "caring"? I got "generous" gifts from my grandmother every year. She didn't care about anyone but herself, ever, in her whole life.


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## Triniity (Jul 15, 2007)

Hi there,

again, thanks for all the replys and the input.

@chicky2: okay, maybe I am all hormonal and sensitive and everything, but I find it rather disrespectful, the way you write. You cannot possible know my relationship to my MIL. I am sorry for your loss, and I know it´s horrible to watch someone die, especially if you love this person.

I don´t wish my inlaws dead, but if I would never have any contact to them ever again, I would be rather happy. I know that I cannot have it, since they are my DH`s parents and my kids grandparents, but I do not even believe in this "holy grandparent" relationship. It´s not their right to have a relationship with their grandkids.

Maybe there is a lot of biography in this. I had a very toxic grandma, who probably even loved us, but I am not to sure about that. She would always criticize, I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, girlie enough for her. She even got me a book for my birthday, when I was like 12 or something called: Dumb and Fat. I am still not sure if she did this intentionally or not, but at least she did not care at all. My parents never intervened, she treated my Mom the same way, and she never fought back. This is *not *the role model I want to give my children.

(My inlaws are not toxic to my kids, at least not yet)

I don´t believe in this "if someone gives you a present it´s because they love you" - it´s just now. To all people who believe that, lucky you that this is your experience in life. Mine is different.

@one_girl: no, it is a toy, we do have them here. It´s something like this http://www.amazon.de/sprechender-Lerncomputer-Kindercomputer-Programme-Kinder-Laptop-Notebook-Computer/dp/B00486DJZ0

Quote:


> Maybe "the thought" isn't very nice, yk? I"ve had two people in my life who totally use gift-giving as a way to manipulate people, and it's sick, and really hard to watch. The "thought that counts" behind their gifts is nasty....really nasty.


that´s the way I see it. They want to prove us that our parenting is wrong. I experienced this before, with little HK song books, they go on and on and on about how great there present it, and how much better than anybody else´s present, how much fun it is for DD - and they make sure that she does not forget to play with it.

It´s not always a nice thought. I got presents that I did not like too much (I get them every year for my birthday - like three watches in a row- from DH - but I am happy about the thought, and that he tries to get something I love. I love him for trying.) Once I got a baby doll when I was like 14, much too old for a doll, but the person who gave it to me really and honestly thought I wanted to have one. I graciously accepted, and the doll was sitting on a nice place in my room for years. But it´s not the same thing.

My kids are quite hyperactive, not formerly diagnosed with ADD, and I personally think they are more spirited than ADHD, but I will have them evaluated. I know though, that screen time makes their behavior worse. At the moment, I don´t know how to change this problem with the screen time they are having, because I really need to get them over this 90 min without major breakdowns and fits, but hopefully in three to four weeks we can change that again (please baby !)


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Trinity: You know better than anyone, if your ILs are being passive aggressive and mean or thoughtful and caring. I believe you when you say it's the former and consider your examples of the other ways in which they have exhibited this behavior to be pretty convincing of their toxicity toward you and your parenting choices. If they were truly well meaning and sincere in giving your DD this gift, I would say you would pretty much HAVE to find a way to be gracious and accepting and just restrict access to very certain times, etc....but the level of disregard and disrespect these people are showing in knowingly causing problems by giving this gift leads me to stick to my guns on the "thank them, but don't let it inside your home" advice.

For the record, after viewing the gaming device in the link you supplied....there is absolutely NO way in hell that thing would be coming in my house. That is the very epitome of everything I am trying to avoid with young kids. If they absolutely insist that I take it....I would sell the thing on ebay and use the money to buy awesome dress up clothes or maybe go to homedepot and buy cool fort building materials from the "cull lumber" bin or something like that. Let your DD build or make or have something that will bring her ACTUAL enjoyment that is GOOD for her.

I can understand why some people would think that was really cruel or taking things over the top....but I know kids who have stuff like that, and they are perfectly nice kids, but they spend so much time in front of those things. My kids don't have them and don't want them because they don't need them. They need outside and books and cooking and caring for their animals and all the other cool stuff they spend their time doing. My kids fall asleep at night dog tired, because their bodies were moving and working all day. Maybe it's easier for me, because we live in the middle of the woods and I can just let them go do their thing. In my opinion, a kid will choose from what's in front of him. If the choices are go play in my fort, mess around in the chicken coop, cook something with mama or play dress up in the play room....he's gonna do one of those things...and all of those are, in my opinion, highly superior activities for a young child, to the "activity" of sitting in front of a blinking, talking screen. Media has it's place....and like I said upthread, if my kid is sick or we're having especially bad weather and we're all freezing, or something like that...we'll watch a carefully picked, commercial free program of some sort on the computer. But the point for me, is that my kids don't ask for TV unless they are sick or something like that, because they attribute "TV time" to being something you do when you CAN'T be outside working or playing. They have come to know that the time for TV is not when you *could be* doing something more constructive or fun.

Anyway. I won't go on....I was just really surprised by some of the attitudes on this thread toward TV restriction. There are extremely good and well thought out reasons why we mamas who restrict do so. I kind of walked away from this feeling like "Man, am I one of those mamas, who is so hell bent on MY idea of what childhood should be like that I'm restricting my kids from fun??" But after much thought, I really don't think so. My kids have so much fun, all day long....and it doesn't leave their minds dizzy, they don't talk back to me in weird cartoon voices or repeat stupid catch phrases from dumb movies over and over again....what you put into a brain, comes back out again....and in the thoughts, words and actions of my kids...I feel confident that the world I've created for them, the things that go into their brains...are good.


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## K1329 (Apr 6, 2009)

OP, I don't think anyone expects you to compromise your ideals. Personally, I want my kids to know to graciously accept a gift, even if we won't use it, or, even if it doesn't meet our family values. For me, I want my kids to say "thanks," anyway. At 5, maybe you can start to teach her that your family doesn't think that such toys are appropriate and that they may be harmful to her development, or, whatever your base belief is. We've received a music CD that had fairly vulgar language/demeaning lyrics as a gift. I said "thanks", and, when my kids wanted to listen to it, I told them we would not be listening to it, and, why. Your kids are bound to receive gifts, from friends, family, etc. that won't be used for whatever reason, and this seems like a good learning opportunity, to me.

I guess I agree with the pps who state that dictating "accepted" and "not accepted" gifts is not the way to go.

EDIT: trying to fix font size...


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Triniity* 

Maybe there is a lot of biography in this. I had a very toxic grandma, who probably even loved us, but I am not to sure about that. She would always criticize, I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, girlie enough for her. She even got me a book for my birthday, when I was like 12 or something called: Dumb and Fat. I am still not sure if she did this intentionally or not, but at least she did not care at all. My parents never intervened, she treated my Mom the same way, and she never fought back. This is *not *the role model I want to give my children.

(My inlaws are not toxic to my kids, at least not yet)

Yes, there is a lot of biography here! This is why it pays to read the whole thread. I think a lot of these responses are only to the OP.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Triniity*
> They want to prove us that our parenting is wrong. I experienced this before, with little HK song books, they go on and on and on about how great there present it, and how much better than anybody else´s present, how much fun it is for DD - and they make sure that she does not forget to play with it.
> 
> It´s not always a nice thought. I got presents that I did not like too much (I get them every year for my birthday - like three watches in a row- from DH - but I am happy about the thought, and that he tries to get something I love. I love him for trying.) Once I got a baby doll when I was like 14, much too old for a doll, but the person who gave it to me really and honestly thought I wanted to have one. I graciously accepted, and the doll was sitting on a nice place in my room for years. But it´s not the same thing.
> ...


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

OP, I really think I know where you're coming from me. It's not about this one thing, this one laptop. This is about a history of complicated stuff and not being treated so nice?

I do feel for people who say "be grateful there is someone at all to give gifts". I really do. But as someone who comes from dysfunction and has a history of toxic familial relations, may I please gently remind these people that having someone isn't always better than having no one at all. And if that is something that you can't understand - well then you are also lucky!!

Just a thought - if this gift can't be sidetracked than perhaps it will be incredibly useful when you have a newborn in the house?

Good luck.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

The person who gave me the best gifts ever was an abusive boyfriend who tried to kill me. So no, it's not always the thought that counts, not all gifts are well-intentioned, and it's not always better to have someone to give gifts than to have no one at all.

I think, OP, you have received some good advice & it sounds like you know what you're doing. I think without knowing your inlaws & your relationship with them, it's hard for others to say what's the best thing to do in this situation (and not all the posters read the whole thread, I'm sure).

Last year DS received a lot of well-intentioned but unusable gifts from the inlaws. They mean well, and we graciously accepted them, but we are still going to gently suggest this year that they avoid gifting certain types of toys. This way, it relieves us of any guilt should they still give gifts DS can't have & we need to donate his gifts. I would hate to have them find out 10 years from now that we'd never kept any of their gifts, when all we had to do was make clear from the beginning that there are certain toys we won't let DS keep. I'd much rather that they know upfront -- then they can make their own choice & it will be an informed choice. Maybe I'd feel differently if DS _could_ handle playing with noisy flashing toys -- but he can't, so we don't make exceptions, and try to only keep things around that will keep his environment calm & happy.


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## minkin03 (May 28, 2009)

Maybe the grandparents are clueless, maybe they are being passive aggressive, it's hard to say for certain b/c we are not in the situation and reading one side. However, chances are the 5 yo doesn't understand the passive aggressive nature of the gift. And like others suggested this is a great teaching moment, teaching to accept gifts graciously despite the fact they don't like it or may not need it or use it. If the grandparents are doing this on purpose to be passive aggressive maybe it's best to not let it show that they are getting a rise out of you.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy*
> 
> it's hard for others to say what's the best thing to do in this situation (and not all the posters read the whole thread, I'm sure).


some of the back story about her relationship with her inlaws was introduced half way through the thread. She started with the different values about screen time and gifts, and the thread went on for a bit, and then she added info about the long, dysfunctional relationship.

If she had said everything up front, I would have asked why even bother spending time with these toxic people. The Christmas present is just a footnote to a whole nasty situation.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

The simplest thing to do is let them get the HK toy & leave it at their house. She can play with it while she is there. They get what they want, you get what you want. Problem solved.

Touching on something else you mentioned - Dh giving in after 5 minutes of whining is not ADD it is the kids learning that if they whine they will get what they want. your dd is definitly old enough to have figured out that if she does X Dad will give her what she wants. Since you are BOTH using screen time to get through this period I believe that within 1-2 years you'll have more screen time in your house than you currently wish. While it's easy now to do it to get through the day until DH comes home(and again in while DH is there) it becomes MUCH HARDER TO TAKE IT AWAY AGAIN. They will whine/be active & then what?


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

You know what, the best thing to do is just tell them you don't want her to have that. They can return it and get her something else. While it's the spirit of giving it's not about the gifter it's about who you are giving it to, why you are giving it to them and not giving them something that they really can't use or maybe even want. I once got a gift my mother wouldn't allow me to have, I was 10 and my stepdads sister bought me this huge make up set. I mean enormous. Mom didn't have any warning about it either. After the family left my mom called her sister in law and told her that she didn't want to offend her but she felt that giving me a lot of make up sends the wrong message and at my age she didn't want that to be something I felt I needed to use or have and so my aunt brought over the receipt and together we went and picked out something else. I believe I got a few books. I don't recall any bad feelings and I never heard anything about it afterwards. But my mom did do the right thing by the standards she was trying to set in her home.

Your crotch fruit your right!


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