# Natural consequences for not picking up toys?



## Montessorimom8 (Mar 6, 2006)

But a gentle one, please!









Yesterday ds had a friend over so he was excited. He's 6.5. After the friend left, I 'reminded' him three times to bring in his stuffed animal that we had gotten on vacation. He kept saying he would but he never did. I didn't want it getting all funky so I brought it inside.

This is the stuffed animal that we had to re-buy on vacation because he did very innocently leave it in a store when he put it down to go to the bathroom or something. This store had hundreds of the same toy and it naturally just got put back on some shelf. When he realized later we left it somewhere else, we did rebuy him one because we didn't think he was just being careless.

So anyway, after I brought it in, I was steamed that I had asked him 3 times to do it and he hadn't. So I 'hid' it. I know very bad and I regret that I have done that. When he said, "oh! my animal" and then went to bring it in it was gone. He started to cry but I didn't produce the thing, actually I didn't want to lie so I didn't say much.

He only cried for a bit before I went downstairs and 'found' it. I did tell him that I had told him 3 times to bring it in and he hadn't. But when he started crying, I felt awful that I had 'hid' it and realized that I was going to produce it and decide what to do GD next time when it happened. So what would be natural consequences for something like this but Gentle? He was so upset and not in a bratty way. He was genuinely scared that it was gone forever. I went downstairs and then produced it, again not saying much because I didn't want to lie to him.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Hmmm... the natural consequence would be it getting ruined, but I agree that would be harsh in this situation. I think this is one of those times you just talk about it a whole lot and maybe stop everything and take him out with you to go get it.

-Angela


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

A "natural consequence" is the toy getting ruined. A "logical consequence" is that the toy gets confiscated for a period of time.

I wouldn't be sneaky about "hiding toys." I give my kids a choice: "Either you clean up the toy, or I put the toy in time out." Then I follow through- no trickery, just an honest "I put the toy in the box on top of the closet because you didn't put it away."

I also tell them, but not in the heat of the moment: "You must have too many toys if you can't take care of them, so I'll make it easier for you to take care of your toys by putting some of them out of the way for now. You'll get them back after a little while (sometimes a specific time frame) to see if you're ready to handle more toys yet."

Sometimes when they complain about cleaning up, I'll say "do you have too many toys? Should I take some of them away, or are you big enough to take care of the ones you have?" usually that motivates them to clean up before losing access to whatever their current favorite toys are (ie the ones on the living room floor, not the ones at the bottom of the toy box.)

The flip sid of this is that there HAVE been times when they're overwhelmed with the quantity of toys, no amount of warnings gets them to clean up, and then they're honestly releived (after an initial shock period, or tantrums for a particular toy) to have fewer toys to maintain and things are calmer and they have more fun with the fewer toys that are left.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

Maybe you did this, but I think if you mean "bring it in right now," then you need to say, "bring it in right now." I can totally imagine saying, "Go get your stuffed animal," and my kids interpreting that as "mom's anxious about my animal and I need to remember where it is and get it sometime."

Approach him, get on his level, lightly touch his arm or shoulder, and say, "_Before you start another game, please run outside and get your animal right away."_

I also think that at the point you were "steamed," it would have been appropriate to communicate that feeling. Obviously hiding the stuffed animal was passive aggressive and hurtful (but we are all human, right??!) I don't know why we tell ourselves that its not okay to communiate anger with our kids -- it is healthy. Our anger is going to come out one way or another -- usually best just to say, "I'm starting to feel angry that you are not taking care of the stuffed animal that I bought you." Or if that seems harsh, you could try, "I think you really care about that animal, and I am worried that you will be upset if it gets ruined. Please go get it right now and bring it inside."


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## mum21andtwins (Nov 8, 2007)

I probably would have gone outside with him to ensure it got in safe. He is only 6.5 my dh often can't remember to bring something in, he is just too easily distracted (ooo a bag full of money let me go- hey look at that shiny thing I'm just going to have a look- wow cool snail- hey bag of money this is really how they think) ds1 is the same way. I don't see why I should cause upset by not taking in the toy when the chances are he's not intentionally choosing to leave the toy outside. Maybe get a cheap toy from a second hand shop and leave it out so he can see and experience what happens to the toy overtime and why he needs to take it in.


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## ma_vie_en_rose (Jun 7, 2008)

Ruthla, I used those exact same phrases in my home for cleaning up. We rarely have any issue with it at all.

To the OP, I agree that I probably would have tried to help him make getting his toy a priority by getting down on his level and saying that is something that needs to be done right away so nothing happens to it. I also agree that it is better to tell your child you are frustrated, upset, angry, etc. instead of being passive aggressive.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

If I want things picked up - I pick them up. If I want anything done - I do it myself...I dont ask someone else to do it for me or suggest that they even are the ones that want it done. I may ask for help - if I get it, I am thankful, if not - I move on. I have always modeled this and now my son is pretty good at doing it as well. But usually, if he doesnt and I am too lazy to pick them up at the moment too(both of us clearly not fussed about it) - then the 'natural' concequence is that he usually trips over them and hurts himself. ... or the toy gets ruined, broken, etc (depending on where its left, situation, time of day, type of toy, etc). However he is only two - but even if he were 20...Say it was my friend over at our house and she forget to pick up something of hers (hey it happens - my friends are always leaving things behind...once my friend left her breastpads on my sofa! lol - That was pretty funny)... We all help eachother out though you know. I always explain why we should do something - why I do the things I do and simply leave it at that. They are his things at the end of the day. I think theres a good leasson to be learned in cause and effect as well. My son is currently going through a 'I want to break my toys' phase..this requires throwing them around. Not a problem at all. They are his toys. I have said why we dont throw them. He knows not to throw at people or at other peoples things (which he doesnt do so fair enough!) and he is learning, everyday, valuable lessons - what happens to our things when we throw them = they break.


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## _betsy_ (Jun 29, 2004)

I only have a 21 mo, so my frame of reference is different, but I'm really working on never saying anyhting 3 or more times.

I make a request, and if DD doesn't start to do whatever it is I want, I then make a second request while guiding her/helping her/working with her to do whatever it was.

For example, she's done with her blocks. i can't just leave them all over the floor, they hurt when stepped on and she falls a lot when they are scattered around and she's not focused on them. I'll say "DD, clean up the blocks please! Clean up time!" If she doesn't start to clean them up within a reasonable amount of time, I get down on the floor with her while saying "Clean up time!" and start putting them away. She always helps, or takes over the task at hand.

I've found that if I have to say anything three times, I get frustrated and anxious, so I've been purposely taking steps to avoid that.

So, in that situation, I would have said "Your animal's outside on the porch, can you go get it before it gets ruined?" If he didn't go get it before he started on his next activity, I'd go to him, touch his shoulder, and say "remember your animal is outside. let's go get him," and we'd both go out.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I'd have explained very clearly and in a way that i was SURE she understood that unless she went and got it the toy could get ruined and then i'd have left the ball in her court. I don't know how long it was between you getting it and him remembering but unless it was a few days it's unlikely the toy would have been ruined. I do not re-buy anything that's lost or ruined unless i myself lost or ruined it.

In general DD is pretty good at picking up her toys. Sometimes i ask her to help me, sometimes she asks me to help her (depending on who noticed bedtime is imminent first). We always share the picking up but we almost always shared the playing too.

To me the reality is that if you leave your stuff lying about it will get ruined, so if she does and it does, well, i guess she learned something. If i let her take a precious toy out of the house i assist her in not losing it (if she's in the meitai i fasten the toy to the shoulder strap with a ribbon because if she falls asleep she cannot be expected to hang on to it, if she's out for a little walk and takes a toy i remind her to hang onto it and pick it up if she drops it) but she's 27 months. I won't still be doing that in 4 years.


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## cyndimo (Jul 20, 2005)

I was going to suggest what Ruthla said!
(In our life, it's a little pared down as DS is only nearly 3, but the idea is the same.)


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