# Natural consequence for hitting sibling?



## delighted.mama (Jan 29, 2003)

What kind of consequences do you impose for hitting a sibling? DD is the proud, if not a little too zelous, older sister to our new baby (2 weeks old) So far, she loves hugging and squeezing her. We have talked about being gentle, etc. A couple of times, however, she has flat out slapped the baby. It just happened right now. We (dd and I) were on the bed and the baby was just laying there sleeping. Dd was hugging her and then, whack, just slapped her on the face out of nowhere. I didn't even have time to react, even though I was sitting right there. At the time, I was giving dd lots of attention and only talking to her.

This has happened about a handful of times. Each time it happened I told DD, seriously and sternly, that we don't hit people and that I can't play with her when she hits. I try not to focus on her hitting "the baby." Other than saying that and then moving away, there isn't too much else that I have done. I have told her that she needs to go in her room and calm down (with me) if she is totally out of hand, but otherwise, that's it. I feel like there should be another consequence, to really enforce the point.







: But, I don't know if that is overkill or whether it would even make sense to add a logical consequence to an act of hitting.

Those of you with experience in this area, how do you handle it? My dd will be three in January, so she knows that what she is doing is wrong. How do I deter her from doing it in the future without adding arbitrary consequences?

Libby
Looking for suggestions!


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## bionicsquirrel (Jan 2, 2003)

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## RAED (Jun 9, 2004)

We have #2 arriving in April when ds will be a bit over 2.5 yrs. old and I'm reading avidly to learn all I can about alternative to "spanking" punishment for this sort of situation. Most of my friends here do to the older child what they have just done to the younger child or spank them and I nor my dh feel at all comfortable with that. It just looks like "eye for an eye" mentality which seems it would lead to escalation.


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## Linda KS (Oct 30, 2004)

What I did -- I got in my daughter's face and very sternly told her that the baby had feelings just like hers. I asked her how she would like it if someone much bigger slapped her in the face. I said the baby feels the same way. I said that the baby was MY baby and I wouldn't let ANYONE slap her, just as I wouldn't let ANYONE slap my older DD. She got the point fast. My kids are big now and they get along great.

Now what I would add -- what I did worked, but now, with hind sight, I might to try to talk with my old DD about her feelings -- I wonder if for the older child the mere presence of the baby day after just drives them bonkers. I wonder if opening a conversation about these feelings would help the older child process them. I don't know, because it never occured to me at the time.


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## sparklemom (Dec 11, 2001)

You need the book "Siblings Without Rivalry"!!!!!!
Cannot say that enough.
Also, getting to the emotions behind the behavior is *key* . And always say "hitting is not allowed." But do not make a federal case out of it when it does happen. Be clear, and then move on. Believe the best about her... and reinforce the positive interactions she has with the baby.
It can be done. My dds are only 20 months apart. They're now 5 1/2 years and almost 4 years and are very close, and always have been. It's a beautiful thing to see to say the very least. I've always been as deliberate as possible in promoting a harmonious relationship between them.
And, again, get the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" !!!!!


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## kavamamakava (Aug 25, 2004)

After sternly announcing that hitting hurts and giving a reminder that we don't hit, I would take my son's hand and direct him in caressing the baby. I used the words "soft" or "gentle". Next time he would start to get rough, I just had to use the words to redirect him.
I know how hard it is to see the little one hurt







It was so frustrating to me. There were times where I had to take the baby and walk away from him because he wasn't able to be gentle enough with the baby. When I had the baby soothed and secure, I would go back to him and talk about what was going on.
My two are only 17 months apart so we couldn't even talk much about feelings. But I would usually make a point to play with him and lightly bring up that hitting hurts and we love each other and don't hit the ones we love. It didn't magically go away though. But the random hitting got better. Now I have the fights. Ugh. When he's mad, he'll whack her on the head. When she's mad, she'll pinch or bite him. It doesn't happen every day, at least.


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