# my 16 month old hits and bites... discipline is a struggle for me



## ccorrell (Nov 3, 2006)

my daughter is 16 months old, and has started hitting me in the face & on my head. when she hits, i tell her "no" in a firm way, yet she continues to hit... or she'll bite, as an alternative. i can tell she knows she's not supposed to, because she will hit me and then watch to see how i respond.
i have tried giving her a "time out", by putting her in her room for 1 minute with the door closed, but when i do this she just cries the whole time.... and when i open the door to say "no hit, be gentile" she'll shut the door back in my face. (it's like she's a teenager, already!)
her dad and i have tried holding her hands (gently, but firmly) so she can't move them, to help her understand there are consequences to hitting people, but this usually just causes her to cry and scream try to squirm away.
i really am at a loss.
her dad and i were both severely spanked as children, and we are in total agreement that we never want to lay a hand on her in anger, ever. but i have a problem... i have no positive discipline skills. i have no idea how to discipline. i am constantly struggling with myself, feeling guilty that my first reaction to her is anger. i am good at keeping it in, and being rational with her, but this is a constant struggle inside myself. i am exhausted.
how can i effectively discipline her? is she just too young to understand consequences? am i being too harsh?
any suggestions would be helpful.


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## ShaggyDaddy (Jul 5, 2006)

Find her other things that are appropriate to hit and encourage her to hit them instead.

Give her frustrations a voice.

Find out why she is frustrated or excited and try to spin it a positive way.

She is trying to figure out how to communicate and she has noticed that hitting gets a big fun reaction. Or she is trying to physically connect with you and she doesn't know how.

My DS is 16m and he definatly does the hitting and biting thing when he is wanting to physically connect with us. We suggest kisses or hugs or high-fives and he is almost always happy to do that instead of hitting.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

First of all, at 16 months things like time outs will have no impact at all because she isn't old enough to connect the cause (hitting you) with the result (time out). At this age, discipline is really all about redirection and guiding them to finding different ways to get the result they want. Of course, the huge challenge is that they can't tell you what they are really trying to do, so you have to be a major detective. So you need to figure out what the situations are that lead to biting and hiting. Some possibilities include: angry at you, trying to get your attention, trying to explore your face, trying to play.

While you are working on figuring out what she is trying to accomplish and then giving her tools to do this is a better way, I think its really important to make sure you aren't modelling being a victim. Once she bites or hits, she shouldn't be able to get in a second one because your face should be out of range. What would you want her to do if a playmate hit her? Stand there and get hit again or move away? So model moving away. Calmly and while talking to her, but put her down and move away.

I think moving out of range is expecially important for those of us who were hit as children. For me, I found the urge to hit back was almost overwhelming. I think because, for the first time, I had the "power" due to size and relationship, to lash back out at the person hitting me. Goodness knows I could never do that with my spank-happy parents. So one of the early things that I learned was that, in order to remain calm and not do anything I regretted, I had to stop getting hit or bit before I did anything else.

Then I could go back and calmly say "I see you are angry. You can hit the pillow (or yell or whatever you chose) when you are angry." Or "Please do X when you want my attention" Or whatever was more appropriate to the situation. Of course, it takes time to teach them what they should do. There are no instant solutions, especially for toddlers.

It was also really helpful for me to do some research to find out what was developmentally appropriate and what was expecting too much.

Good luck and please post if there is a specific incident that you want to explore with people here. Feel free to PM me if you want a more private concersation with someone who has a similar background and has already "been there done that". My 2 kids are now 3 1/2 and 7 and I've managed to get through these stages, despite a lousy history of abusive discipline. Its not easy but you can most certainly do it.


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## SneakyPie (Jan 13, 2002)

I'd bet you a buck that she doesn't understand that her actions are "hitting" and "biting". It's more likely that she understands her actions to be "enthusiastically touching mommy" and "enthusiastically putting my mouth on mommy." She is flooding with emotions, starting to get a tiny hint in her brain that you are separate from her, and has sporadic gross-motor control. Which means she feels all kinds of things (but barely understands them and wants your reassurance), sees you as slightly separate (and wants to make sure the connection is not broken), and tries to reach out to you to express love, connection, and need (hits and bites!).

Not very reassuring when you're getting smacked and bitten, is it? But it seems like they all go through it, and eventually outgrow it. Just wait 'til she starts to scratch too! But eventually it fades.

Instead of verbal reminders to be gentle, what worked better for us was/is an active demonstration *while* validating feelings. So, I get smacked, I right away hold his hand and help him make a patting motion on me, saying something like, "You want to touch mommy! I like it when you touch me. Such nice pats - you're learning how to do it!" or similar. Same with biting, although it's harder to keep my cool under the pressure of those razory little teeth - "Kisses with no teeth! Oh, how I love kisses with no teeth! Teeth are great for biting (name of offered alternative)."

Hang in there! It's OK to admit that we get triggered when bitten, hit, or grabbed, even by our tiny innocent children. She's not going to understand a "consequence" at this age, and logic does come but only with literally THOUSANDS of repetitions. When she's shutting the door on you she may just want reassurance that loving, non-angry mama will come back. And you will - you're doing great!


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## cheeseRjedi (Jun 5, 2005)

:

I'm in the same boat you are. It's so hard to try to discipline her because I feel like she doesn't even really understand what I'm saying, only HOW I'm saying it.


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## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

What worked best for my biter was for me to recognize the way she acted before she bit-- it was almost always when she was either over-stimulated or over-tired or both. If I saw the biting mood coming on, I would watch her carefully and keep her from biting. Once I realized what brought on the biting and hitting, I was able to prevent it by making sure she got naps and quiet time when she needed them, but it definitely is some work.

As a response when she did bite, I would tell her "no biting" sternly, but I don't think it did much-- prevention really seemed to be key.

HTH!

ZM


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## dharmama (Dec 29, 2002)

Welcome to MDC!!









It's so great that you found this forum when your DD is still so young and that you and your partner are committed to not using physical punishment. It can be really hard to figure out what you do want to do, even when you know what you don't want to do though, huh?

I would encourage you to read some books on gentle discipline (there's a sticky at the top of the page that lists a bunch). I loved "The Happiest Toddler on the Block". It was one of the first books I read.

Also you might want to read up on child development so you have some idea what's normal behavior for her age. This series is great!

Quote:

i can tell she knows she's not supposed to, because she will hit me and then watch to see how i respond.
Personally, I really believe that a 16 month old is not capable of knowing what s/he is supposed or not supposed to do. I'm still working on that with my 2 1/2 year old!









I totally agree with previous posters that prevention and redirection, not punishment, are where you want to focus your energy!

Good luck mama!

~Erin


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dharmama* 
Personally, I really believe that a 16 month old is not capable of knowing what s/he is supposed or not supposed to do. I'm still working on that with my 2 1/2 year old!









ITA. They might know that when they do x, then mom will stop them from doing it. But I don't think they actually connect that with THEM stopping themselves from doing it.


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## straighthaircurly (Dec 17, 2005)

We had a horrible time with hitting and biting from about 18 mo to 22 mo. It is very common for them to get frustrated as they start to want to communicate but might not have the words yet. Some kids deal with the frustration by biting and hitting. Here is what I said over and over as calmly as I could: "We don't hit (or bite). Mommy doesn't like to be hit, it hurts. Mommy LOVES hugs and kisses." After a lot of repetition, my ds would get frustrated, start to hit or bite me and then suddenly reach his little arms around my neck and hug me...it helped him feel less scared by his emotions to know that I was there to love him and hug him back. Time-outs only made him more scared and frustrated...even if I stayed near him. Once he was calm and hugging, we could talk a little more about whatever was frustrating him.

Hang in there! I certainly don't miss that stage! And remember that whenever you feel out of control that she probably feels even more out of control and needs your love.


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## dharmama (Dec 29, 2002)

One more thought....

Are you doing any sign language with your DD? That helped us tremendously before DD was really able to express herself verbally!


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## ccorrell (Nov 3, 2006)

thank you all so much for your replies! i have used some of these ideas and they have already been effective.







it has really helped me to shift my perception of her, too. (ie: less projecting.)
it is such a relief to have a place where i can go to get excellent advice from like-minded people.


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## dynamohumm6 (Feb 22, 2005)

Wow, this thread was INCREDIBLY helpful, I was just about to post a similar issue with my ds.

thank you mamas!!


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## baileyandmikey (Jan 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cheeseRjedi* 







:

I'm in the same boat you are. It's so hard to try to discipline her because I feel like she doesn't even really understand what I'm saying, only HOW I'm saying it.

same here with my 20 mth old!


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