# would you put your 15 month old in daycare even if your not working? (long)



## mamamelia (Apr 14, 2005)

i'm considering putting my 15 month old dd in daycare, even though i'm a sahm. a freind of mine had put her dd (18 months) in daycare for one day just to trial it out. the little girl had a fantastic time, playing, being social and came home exhausted ready to sleep. and boy was i envious. my neighbour also did this with her 2 boys (who were previously nothing but unattentive and whiners - but i have to add that the mother was lazy and used to feed them nothing but sugary junk) and they are now a little more well behaved as well as tired, ready to go to sleep. it can take upto 1.5-2 hours to put dd to sleep and there are ALWAYS tears, screaming, tantrums and the sort. and i've tried everything. the only thing that works is keeping her up to 12am and then she just plonks out. but up until she sleeps she is nothing but a clingy whiner. we can't get anything done and it's so frustrating. last night we ate dinner at 2am. that's not a typo.
i know that a child being with one of their parents is the "best" way to grow up. they need to be around someone they feel safe with and will answer all of their needs. but i swear, it's driving me insane. and i'm starting to wonder if dd is getting bored with me. she whines alllllllll day long (it's not teething btw) i'm mentally exhausted. here is my problem:
it's summer right now. i get MIGRAINES from going out in hot weather even if only for 10 minutes. that's right. i'm *that* freakin' fragile. so needless to say, i can't take her out all day everyday. some days i can't even hang out one load of washing without feeling dizzy. i don't drive, which makes matters worse. public transport around here in unpredictable and expensive so it's not really an option either.
my dd is also a boobie girl. i mean she doesn't give them a break. i have to admit i really hate breastfeeding, hated it from the start, still persisted with it for her benefit, suffered post partum depression and still did not wean even though i felt it caused alot of the depression. and well, she won't let up. she wants "nana" whenever, wherever, how many ever times she feels like it (sometimes 4-5 times in ONE hour). i'm tired and annoyed. but i still don't want to wean her. i think i'd break her little heart.
i'm tired of having a headache every friggin day. i'm so stressed.. and well i was thinking that maybe she would be better off in daycare than hanging around a depressed, pissed off mommy. i was so angry with her today that i bit her fingers everytime they tried to pick my nose and smacked her very hard on her hand when she repeatedly slapped/kicked me with alot of force on my head (and she knows she is slapping/kicking, it's not an accident). her slap/kicks were that hard that she gave me a headache. and i don't want to do that.







i am so ashamed to be hitting a little human being. and even more ashamed to be having a "fight" with a 15 month old for christ's sake!!!
i really believe in attachment parenting but it's worn me out completely and i have a very 'fragile' body (i get sick SO easily from stress alone) so i think i'm really doing myself a disservice. i've never been more tired/stressed/spaced out in my life. but at the same time, i also can't bear the thought of leaving her alone. sometimes when she DOES sleep early (very rare but it does happen) i often go in and hug her in her sleep. and dh just shakes his head at me.
ok, if you are in my shoes, what would you do? honest opinions please. if you would not put her in daycare, please say so, stating your reasons and if possible, a solution.
thankyou mamas.


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## mamamelia (Apr 14, 2005)

i forgot to mention that the daycare i was looking at was a montessori daycare where they are adament about not letting a baby/toddler CIO. they say it's very stressful for the child, other babies and the caretakers so they don't do it, and if you do at home, please don't expect them to carry on the trend at daycare.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Mama, you do need help with your DD and your health.
Before reading your post I would have said "never in a billion years" because I was a preschool teacher and I dont like what goes on in those places.
But if you are not feeling or acting loving and if you are reacting violently to her behaviors (biting, slapping), some time away might really be beneficial to you both. But in a context where you used that time to really work on your health and mental/emotional well being.
I still wouldnt consider full days because seriously even at your current state of exhaustion I am sure you dont want her entire waking hours spent with others and you only get her for a meal and bedtime. You might try just mornings or afternoons or a moms day out program.
If you are not well enough to care for her, it is a good idea to get her adequate care and then work to make yourself better.
Her sleep and nursing issues are also things you can work on however you will have better luck with these things if you get feelign better yourself.
Good luck
Joline


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

short answer as a former daycare worker:

would I put my dd in daycare for socialization/fun/exercise/learning benefits: absolutely not, I can provide all those things more safely and creatively and healthfully by myself.

would I put dd in daycare because I felt at the total end of my rope from having a high needs child who I felt was not getting the best out of me as a mother because I was depressed/stressed/feeling very overextended and exhausted?
I would consider trying it with the condition that if I saw any repercussions in her behavior I'd pull her out and get a mother's helper or nanny who could let me go to the gym or to therapy or to the bookstore alone. actually I'd try the latter first. and I'd only ever do daycare part time, ie a few mornings or afternoons per week.

that's MHO. either way I hope you figure out some way to destress and feel better.


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## CrazyCatLady (Aug 17, 2004)

No time to post, but yes I would. I just got my dd a nanny so that I could have a break. My story is similar to yours and my dd is the same age. Her nanny is AP and is amazing with her. Plus Zayla has her son to play with during the day. But you know what? It's only been a week and I'm ready to take her back. I'm already more patient, feeling better, less stressed, and more loving with her. I think that I just really needed some time to myself for a while and it's been great on everybody. Do what's best for the both of you and good luck.


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## SpiralWoman (Jul 2, 2002)

hi,
not sure what part of the country you live in, but here in the south there is a huge network of what's called Mom's Day Out programs. They are mostly run by churches but most have 0 religious teaching. It is a day or 2 a week preschool type environment that gives SAHM mom's a break. Around here it is quite the norm to use them & most days last from 9 or 10 am to 1 or 2pm. (Which is too long for my son, or I would be using one too)
So, just to let you know there is a huge number of people who find it completely ok that most moms do need some time during the week to have a complete break from their toddler. I don't think there is a thing wrong with it myself & your montessori people sound very nice. It might be just what you 2 need.
Um, one other suggestion that many people might not like, but it has worked for us~ when I really need a break, I mean "getting away" mentally or emotionally for 30 minutes can help, I let DS watch a favorite tv show or video. Jojo's Circus has saved us sometimes!








take care, Maria


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Honestly I think closer to 2 years they are okay to be left for little bits of time but 15 months can be too early.
If she is already clingly and emmotionally on edge, then daycare could be your worst nightmare or it could get her into a better pattern. (tire her out during the day, get her sleeping better at night)

but thats for dc...on to mama

You need a cardiologist if you are having such issues with migraines and dizziness (as the migraine is a blood/vien etc. reaction)
When you talk about hanging up laundry and feeling dizzy I am betting you get that if you sit up or sit down too fast?
(common female issue keep blood in abdomen not head...hence why we get colds hands a feet) upping your salt intake will help, drinking more water to keep a better blood volume will help with the migraines.

From what you describe i would
1. put your daughter into daycare until you are more stable.
2. get your health looked at (and possibly dd diet and health if she is having such issues with sleep - clingy irritable - allergies, constipation etc can make those worse)
3. see a counsellor, find ways to destress

your daughter attacks you physically as she is afraid from your emmotional instablity...and you hitting her back is a wakeup call you are at the end of the rope when you have become 'a peer'.

attachment parenting is about having a healthy emmotional attachment...doing the practices when they are exhausting you, stressed, out of control isn't really what its about. Like breastfeeding is best, but if your dd is picking up on your not enjoying breastfeeding maybe its time to get it where you could = like just when she wakes up.

sometimes when she DOES sleep early (very rare but it does happen) i often go in and hug her in her sleep. and dh just shakes his head at me.
=yes cause you are not consistant and you are feeling guilty.

Girl what would i do?
I'd put myself first before I took down the ship.
Put her in daycare and I'd say start her out fulltime, put your time into your health (get answers for your issues as its sounds like something bigger than migraines alone), get some counselling for dh and you so that you can parent and support eachother effectively, workout get the body healthy. Sure yes sahm might be the best thing to do and once you've got your health, life etc on track revisit it but don't be afraid to ask for help, to be honest with what you need. I'd rather see a kid in a good montessori school that a frazzled resentful nonsleeping mom.

I think when you do you will feel a weight has been lifted off.
Put a time on it, like I'd say 3 months and re-evaluate.

but go for that full physcial, get an internist, nutritionalist etc.
sensitivity to heat can also be edocrine disorders = thyriod, or sleep disorders I have naroclepsy and heat kills me.

But if you take a few weeks for yourself now you might be able to get yourself in a position with the right tools to really be able to do what you want/need and to find out what that is. AP isn't a religion you are going to be booted out of for putting your needs first sometimes, or weaning a child etc. I also think if you are not sleeping well find out where you would sleep best, I love to cosleep but with narcolepsy sometimes I leave dh with one or two kids in our bed and sleep somewhere else as I need uniterrupted sleep.

Use the daycare time to your advantage, reconnect with friends, take dh out for lunch, volunteer at the daycare. Personally we just got an aupair she lives in for 6 months ( I have surgery this winter, and a slew of other things to do, specialist visits etc) so dh and I made the decision to get one. Its been great as my health is fragile like yours I have narcolepsy and colitis...
and migraines but they are small compared to the first two so I was always afraid to take the kids to the park as I'd tire to easily or get the runs...
but having an extra pair of hands around so my kids are here with me but I have help when I need it but not when I don't. I can also schedual her to do the things I wish I could fit in, like she does crafts while I go to an appointment with the baby. And she's about half the price of daycare.

I might look into the live in type as you can see where you might need help, you can keep more AP practices, and you can get your home life, schedual, cleaning etc more on track as what would you do with two or three kids?

I personally like the mother's helper and I have done it all with my kids when I worked from daycare, nannies, babysitters, etc.


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## mamamelia (Apr 14, 2005)

thanks so much for the honest opinions ladies!! i also forgot to mention that i was only planning on daycare ONE full day a week. i can't handle anymore than that.
that's my biggest fear - that i will send her off to a place where they mistreat her, but honestly, i don't know what else to do. a mother's helper sounds ok, but i guess i wanted her to be around other kids, too?
johub - you mentioned you were a preschool teacher. is it really that bad what goes on in there? i've heard that some kids are left to cry, but i didn't think it would be at all daycares, or am i horribly nieve?

bri - you said "absolutely not, I can provide all those things more safely and creatively and healthfully by myself."
please give me an idea of what your day is like and how you would go about providing a good day for a 15 month old. i really want to try and exhaust all other options before i put her in daycare. i feel like i've tried and just can't keep up physically (with my crappy health and all). but i'll try again.

melaya - thanks so much for posting! it's always good to hear that your not alone and that having a nanny worked and your feeling better!!! i think i'm starting to head more towards a nanny now..

maria - i live in down under







my local church has nothing of the sort unfortunately. thanks for making me feel normal.







a little bit of TV is ok in my opinion too.. my little girl likes the simpsons.







:

shiloh - your post bought me to tears! i've been neglecting myself for so long and i know it, but i still can't muster up the energy to care for myself. i'm so busy worrying about everything else, mainly dd. i just don't care about me anymore. and i know the problem is all me. dd is just a kid. i know if *I* had more patience, better health etc, then her little annoyances wouldn't get to me.

"your daughter attacks you physically as she is afraid from your emmotional instablity...and you hitting her back is a wakeup call you are at the end of the rope when you have become 'a peer'."

oh you are soooo right!!!! i really feel i am harming dd emotionally by all these ups and downs. one minute i love her, the next i want to murder her. and i can tell she feels insecure, which probably makes her cling to me more. it's a vicious cycle.

"sometimes when she DOES sleep early (very rare but it does happen) i often go in and hug her in her sleep. and dh just shakes his head at me.
=yes cause you are not consistant and you are feeling guilty."

your absolutely right. i do feel guilty. i've cried over this many times.

dh and i talked about counselling together and he said "whatever it takes".

i've had my thyroid checked - all is ok in that department, and i do suffer from insomnia, high anxiety for several years now, bouts of depression etc.. my body and spirit are totally worn out to the bones.

see i'm also afraid of going out for fear of getting a migraine. i just about do anything now to avoid getting headaches or feeling dizzy. it's a feeling i can't stand anymore. the dishes go undone (sometimes even the turning my head from side to side while i wash/rinse/stack does it), the laundry goes in the dryer. and i feel so pathetic.







like everyone else can have a normal life and here i am with two arms and two legs but still 'disabled' for the most part. I HATE IT.

your aupair sounds wonderful. i'm not sure if dh would go for that as there is no space in our house and he likes privacy, but a late night/anytime on call nanny without the live-in factor would be good.

i really do need to find out why i keep feeling this way. it's really detrimental to my self esteem too. i feel like such a bad, neglectful mother. i think dh and i have to have a serious talk tonight, and take some action.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

I SAHMed from when DD was 12-24 months. At 18 months, she started going to a childcare center 2 days a week. It was the best thing I could ever have done for both of us, and I would make the same choice if I had it to do over again.

Other posters have expressed VERY strong opinions about nonparent childcare, but it's not like you're exactly shipping her off to Siberia. But please don't add to your stress by thinking that there is only ONE right way to do things. Parenting is not a true/false test with one correct answer. What's right is what's right for you and your family in this phase of your lives.

Take care of yourself, please. I've been where you are and it sucks.


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## MyrDawn (Nov 24, 2005)

I don't think putting her in daycare one or even two days a week would be bad at all. It might give you enough break to make the other days you spend with her a lot more pleasant.

I'd also seriously consider weaning her. I think she can sense that you hate breastfeeding so much, and I think weaning would break her little heart a lot less than biting and slapping her does!

You sound like you're almost at the end of your rope, you poor thing. How much worse for her could daycare once or twice a week and weaning be, than being around a mommy that's depressed and pissed off? Is a child being with one of their parents all the time the "best" way to grow up, if that parent is depressed and pissed much of the time?


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

You need some kind help. Daycare is expensive. Can you spend the same amount of money on a nanny? Do you have any mom friends that you can swap babysitting with?
Good luck to you.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamamelia*
johub - you mentioned you were a preschool teacher. is it really that bad what goes on in there? i've heard that some kids are left to cry, but i didn't think it would be at all daycares, or am i horribly nieve?

Well first of all, 1 day a week sounds like a very reasonable amount of time to spend away from mom with a good caregiver.
I wanted to answer your question though.
There are some very good centers and very good caregivers. There are also some very bad caregivers. Sometimes the good and bad ones are very hard to tell apart.
I used to LOVE my job and I ap'd my kids. I held them and loved them and played with them. But I had coworkers who treated children horribly. The problem is that some people know exactly what to say to parents and how to act when parents are in the room but they are entire phonies. This is true of all groups of people, not just daycare. Some people are false.
And where I live it is VERY difficult to hire daycare emplyoees. THey are so poorly paid that I recall we had a position open for a ones teacher for over a year. WHat that means is that terrible teachers cannot be replaced sometimes with good ones. So the director has to keep them on until they can find a replacement and sometimes they cant.
But right now your dc has no more guarantees at home that she will be treated kindly , gently and lovingly than at daycare. You are in such need of a break I think that this IS a good thing to do and a valid reason to use the school
As for daycare being preferable because there are other kids, at the age your dd is at, a calm, loving caregiver is all that she really needs.

Good Luck to you,
Joline


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## GeezerMom (Apr 7, 2005)

When I was pregnant, my FIL gave me the following piece of advice:

Take care of yourself first. You know how on an airplane, they have those instructions on the oxygen masks: Put one over your own head first, and then put one on your child's. Do that.

Being AP does NOT mean sacrificing yourself - you can acknowledge and respect your child's humanity without killing yourself in the process.

It sounds like you're in crisis, and you need to make some drastic changes. Mothering doesn't have to be this way, you don't have to be miserable. The hitting and biting need to stop immediately - but I think you're expressing real anger at your role as Mother. That role needs to change.

Redefine yourself as a Mother, start looking out for your needs, and yes - definitely find a daycare for your dd. One day, two days, three days, whatever. Bring in some help, maybe from a couple of sources, so that you can start enjoying life.

You can't give your child what you don't have. Quit this self-sacrificing miserable life you're leading. It's very dangerous.


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## Hanbonem (Nov 17, 2004)

An option to typical daycare is in-home daycare. It's a much more consistent environment with one stable care giver and the same small group of kids. I'm back at work full-time now, but from 3-12 mo DS spent 2 days per week with a local woman providing care for 6 kids in her home. When I interviewed her I saw that the kids were very loving with her and affectionate and that she returned their affection without even thinking about it while talking to me. That was the biggest indicator for me. That and that she doesn't like to let them cry.

Now he's 16 mo and I can honestly say that he enjoys spending time there. He runs around with the others and has a lot of positive interaction. Of course I'd rather have him at home with one of us but that's not our current situation. There are definite downsides such as increased exposure to minor illnesses, but it sounds like it would be an excellent option for you right now.

Hope you feel better soon.


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## Mere (Oct 1, 2002)

My dcs are in daycare 3 days a week; they get excellent care there, and they enjoy it. However, it is expensive, and I absolutely think you can get the same benefits simply by connecting socially with other SAHMs. Several of my friends who SAH all week regularly trade childcare with each other, and it's not for things like dentist appointments. It's for massages, exercise classes, or even just shopping trips by themselves. Relaxing, rejuvenating things!

I know sometimes these networks of friends are difficult to come by, but other SAHMs are out there, and I'm sure many of them would love to connect with other SAHMs too. I don't know if you do any sort of kid classes or activities with your dd, but those are always good places to meet other moms.

Good luck!


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## angela&avery (May 30, 2002)

just my opinion, but one full day is much more tramatic than two half days... you need a better schedule than one full day for a child to get used to being somewhere, one day a week makes it very hard to adjust unless its somebody they know and see a few times a week (like a relative or good friend). I worked in a daycare, and its a long 6 days between and makes adjusting very hard.

i would do two full days or two or three half days to make things easier on your child like tues, thurs or mon, wed, fri...


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## SomedayMom (May 9, 2002)

OK...one day a week so that you have time to regroup. Would I do it? Yes. I AM doing it.

I worked 2 days a week from the time my DS was 14 weeks until he was 11 months old. I hated my job. Had PPD. Spent the first 10 months severely sleep deprived (and am just now starting to feel human).

I am a dentist and decided that I needed a leave of absence and a different work environment. I am off until mid January at which point I will start doing some medicaid pediatrics on an as needed basis. So, I had him in daycare, and would have to put him back in daycare on this limited basis again. We LOVE our daycare (difficult to find) and didn't want to give up our spot. So I kept him in. I spend 1, sometimes 2 days a week running errands and going to appointments while DS plays at school.

I was starting to feel like a failure as a mom. NOW...I feel like I'm on the road to being the mom I dreamed of. I am happy with the situation and my son...he's THRIVING. (he always was, but ppd makes you feel like you are the worst mom ever sometimes...)


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## peilover010202 (Nov 1, 2005)

mamamelia - I just wanted to add that if you are noticing dizziness associated with turning your head, getting up from a sitting position, or in the shower - ask your internist for a referral to an ear, nose, and throat specialist. I had those same issues and spent soooo much time and money seeing different dr's and finally an internist sent me to an ENT dr. WOW! I had my answer the first appointment - Meniere's Disease (I hope I spelled that right.) It's an inner ear imbalance and for me, it was a very easy fix. No caffeine, limit sodium. I noticed a difference almost immediately. Today (6 yrs after diagnosis) I can have a soda or two and don't really worry too much about sodium anymore - and still I haven't had any of that dizziness since a month or so after a change in my diet.

And, I also wanted to add that parenting a toddler is difficult. But, I really do think your daughter is picking up on your anxiety esp for breastfeeding - which is probably a comfort mechanism for her because her life is turned upside down right now.

Another option, are there any homeschooled highschoolers in your area that you know of? If so, they may be willing to keep your dd for a few hours a few days a week.

Also, I recommend at minimum, getting into a routine with your dd. At her age, 2 naps are pretty common (morning and afternoon.)

Here's what my ds's schedule looked like at approx 15 mos

wake time varied (usually 6:30-ish)
nurse right after waking
7:30 - breakfast
9am - morning nap
10:30 - light snack
11:45 - lunch
1:00 - afternoon nap
3:00 - snack
5:30 - dinner

This schedule worked really well and still does for my ds, but we've cut the morning nap out. If your dd isn't getting regular naps throughout the day, that is probably the cause for the battle each night - she's overstimulated and is most likely "wired".

GL!


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## jaam (Sep 29, 2004)

I absolutely agree that a sahm NEEDS some down-time to herself. I know that when my dd is especially clingy because of teething or something, and I don't get a break for a few days (dh does not care for her ever so it's all me all the time) I start to get extremely impatient with her when I shouldn't, and it snowballs. I snap at her because she clings on to me when I think she could handle some alone play-time. (But the reason she's clinging is because I've been half-heartedly playing with her because I haven't had a break and I just can't seem to get *into* it, and she needs the attention. You know?) Then when I snap she gets more upset/scared/clingy, and I get more upset.... I'm sure you know what I'm talking about







Anyway, when I've had even a 20 minute break to run to the store by myself I come back refreshed with more patience.

I also agree with the idea of doing two half-days a week instead of one whole day. I think it would be easier for your child to adapt to in the beginning, and I also think it would be better for you, so that your off-time is broken up throughout the week.

I also agree with whoever said that looking into meeting other sahm's is a good idea, if you haven't already. That was something I didn't think was that big of a deal until I started taking dd to a playgroup weekly. The adult interaction proved to be invaluable.

I like the nanny idea. I'm glad that was mentioned, I'm going back to school and will need some sort of childcare part-time. I always assumed that nannies were like 10x more expensive than daycare but now I'll look into it.

Whoops didn't mean to hijack, got off-track there sorry.

Anyway, I think it's really good that you at least been able to recognize that you need the time away and are willing to do that for yourself. It's hard to do that as a mom, I think. You AND your daughter will benefit immensly. Good luck to you.


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## sarah_bella1050 (Feb 19, 2005)

I really think that your dd needs a schedule asap. She need her mother to take charge and tell her whats best for her and not be aloud to kick and scream and whine her way out of it. You don't need to totally control her, but she needs to have more guidance. Are you the one who always tries to but her to bed? Can you dh do it? Here is what my dd's schedule is like.

8:00-8:30 wake up and nurse
9:00 or 9:30am eat breakfast
Play time until 12pm (sometimes we will go visit a friend or go on a walk or just sit at home and play together. If she starts to get cranky I will let her watch Baby Einstein which keeps her cranky level down)
She usually has a light lunch and is ready for her nap. Usually I'm able to hold her where her head is on my shoulder and I wrap a blanket around her arms so that she won't disturb herself. I then will pace in her darkened room while shushing her and slightly bouncing her. She will not just nurse to sleep and I have had to figure out what works for us in each different stage of her life. There have been many times when I have been burnt out and had to take her on a car ride and that is what helped me keep my sanity.
2:30 or 3:00pm she wakes up and has snack.
Then we will run a couple of errands or do stuff around the house (or if I had friends in this town I'de probably check out a playgroup)
Around 4:30pm my dh comes home and he is on baby duty. I will still give her some attention and play with her but mostly it's all him.
We have dinner at 6pm and then dh does the dishes so I can relax.
After that dh will give dd a bath and get her diapered and dressed.
AT 8 or 8:30pm dh will go and put dd to sleep ALWAYS.

How much is you dh helping? Do you do most of the child care yourself? Also do you and your dh go on dates? A once a week date could be a real benefit to you and your relationship with dh.

If you can afford daycare then do it, I do agree with pps thought on 2-3 half days and not just one full day.

"This too shall pass"


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

I like the nanny idea. I'm glad that was mentioned, I'm going back to school and will need some sort of childcare part-time. I always assumed that nannies were like 10x more expensive than daycare but now I'll look into it.

I have what is called an aupair, its 400 a month total.
its a live in position so you have to feed them and have room.
but its great.

mostly because it helps me to get my home life organized see where my 'cracks' are and frees me up to take care of my medical stuff.


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## Shiloh (Apr 15, 2005)

Quote:

I like the nanny idea. I'm glad that was mentioned, I'm going back to school and will need some sort of childcare part-time. I always assumed that nannies were like 10x more expensive than daycare but now I'll look into it.
I have what is called an aupair, its 400 a month total.
its a live in position so you have to feed them and have room.
but its great.

mostly because it helps me to get my home life organized see where my 'cracks' are and frees me up to take care of my medical stuff.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamamelia*

bri - you said "absolutely not, I can provide all those things more safely and creatively and healthfully by myself."
please give me an idea of what your day is like and how you would go about providing a good day for a 15 month old. i really want to try and exhaust all other options before i put her in daycare. i feel like i've tried and just can't keep up physically (with my crappy health and all). but i'll try again.

wait I think you forgot to read my second half of my post! lol! I was trying to say somewhat inarticulately that while I would not put my child in daycare for entertainment, socialization, or educational purposes- I WOULD either use daycare or a nanny if I was in your situation health wise so that you could take some time to do something for yourself and figure out what is going on with you, therapy would probably be a good idea at this point.
I didn't mean to imply that you're not trying hard enough. Trying harder right now is only going to make you feel worse because you are burnt out. I think a few mornings a week is something you need right now and that's okay.


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## Kira's mom (Nov 30, 2004)

If you can afford daycare the money might be better spent finding someone to help you at home while you work on yourself. You need to put a little focus on yourself and get better.Maybe you can find someone who can take her to the park or a playgroup.Right now neither one of you are getting your needs met.


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## keepin'itsimple (Jan 22, 2005)

I'm with Sara_Bella, you need a schedule! ! Most babies/toddlers thrive on schedules. Especially the hard to deal with babies. They want to know what to expect. When to nurse, when to nap, what's for lunch, when you're going to the park. You should check out a few different sleep books. They mostly say the same things, but it will give you some sleepy quest o look for, and some ideas for a schedule. Don't knock the sleep books, there have been so many studies, sleep is a science! Different ages need different amounts and most humans take it at the same time.

It sounds like you are having such a rough time! You should write out a schedule that you feel good about and then stick to it for two weeks. At the end I am sure that you both will feel 100% better.

Toddlers typically need 14 hours of sleep. 11 at night and 3 hours of nap during the day. Bedtime should be between 6 and 8, wakeup between 6 and 8 too. If you do a 2 nap day the first nap should be around 9 and the second around 1. If you do a one nap day it will probably happen around 1130 or 12 since she is young for a 1 nap day. Here's what ours looks like, just to give you an idea! He is trying to go down to one nap a day so he's super tired by 530P and is off to bed. He used to go down around 7, but can't make it that long anymore. ANd of course, this isn't a strict schedule. He nurses, eats, sleeps when he needs or asks. Just wanted to give you some ideas. But for at least the first week I'd be pretty strict.

7a- wake, nurse
8a- breakfast, cheerios, eggs, or waffles
10 or 1030, a heavy snack yogurt, bananas, crackers etc
1130a nap about 2 hours (nurse to sleep)
130P up from nap and lunchtime
445 dinner
530-6P bedtime (nurse to sleep)
3a sometimes wakes to nurse

In between we always play, read books, go to the store, story hour etc. Hope this helps.


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## Yo Becca (Apr 17, 2005)

Yes, I agree that some sort of child care help could be very helpful in your situation. I have my DD (15 months also) in a 3 day a week (9am-1pm) Parents morning out program. I work part time, and originally I put her in the program so that I could work 3days/week (MIL and SIL watch her for 2 hours until I get off). But it turns out that I never work 3 days a week at my daytime job - but having the morning to myself once or twice a week to really clean up, go to appointments, run errands, etc has made me so much more sane and feel so productive. I've even spent the odd morning READING without anyone else needing me - what a great mental break.

The program we use is run by a church-based day school (with 3- and 4- year old pre-K classes). Robin has one teacher and there are a total of 4 kids in her class. None of them are left to cry. THey use cloth diapers that I send with her. She really enjoys the other kids, loves her teacher, etc. She takes a nap there, without crying or nursing - they put her in the crib with classical music and she sacks out. It's amazing. I know that she is happy, loved, and cared for, and I am able to either work or take care of my needs. There is no need to feel guilty about taking care of yourself so that you can be a better parent. It's okay for other people to help care for your child (so long as they are caring and adhere to the standards you set) - YOU will still be your child's parent.

I second the comments that you would benefit from a schedule or routine. there are plenty of indoor activities you can do with your DD (but, you need to first regain the energy to participate in these activities). I would also recommend reading a good resource on sleep (I recommend the No Cry Sleep Solution) and starting a regular night-time routine. With my DD, a warm bath and lotion rub-down is all she needs - no matter what time it is, that is her signal it's bedtime, and she nurses and sacks out without a peep. But that works because it is what we have done every night for months and months - you can set up a routine that signals bedtime too.

You also MUST work on your own health. You need to get help for the medical conditions you've described, and you need help for the emotional difficulties you face. It sounds like your DH is supportive and wants to help you get the help you need. Don't hesitate to lean on him and any other friends or family members - we all need support! And sometimes we need help from professionals as well. It sounds like you are struggling with depression. I struggled my way through depression and PPD by myself, but I wouldn't do that again - if I ever get to that point again, I would try therapy - when you are a parent, there is just too much at stake. You need your mental and physical health to be the best possible parent, and you shouldn't feel guilty about doing what is necessary to regain that health.

Best wishes - I hope you round the corner and start feeling better soon.


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## JoyofBirth (Mar 16, 2004)

I, myself, am a nanny one day a week. I take dd with me. The kids are 3 and 6. I've noticed that this one day of playing with kids has made a world of difference tot my dd. SHe is almost 14 months. She runs, she plays, they are so silly with her and they all love it. She also sleeps a lot better for a couple days afterward. So if you can find a nanny with a little one or two, you'd really be helping another mom and yourself. And your dd would be able to intetract with other kids, too. Daycare is also good too. I did preschool for a couple years and it was not bad at all. We didn't let kids cry by themselves or anything like that. You can find a good nanny on the web at nannies4hire.com or 4nannies.com or enannysource.com. Good luck to you and your dd.


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## kellywhalen (Oct 2, 2004)

I haven't read all the other responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating.

I think it is most important to take care of yourself first. After all, you can't be a good mom without feeling good about yourself.

Personally I would try to seek a nanny (maybe a mom who is in need of a part-time job and is AP) 2-3 days a week. you would spend a lot less, and create a better relationship with your child/yourself, and your child would benefit from someone else's perspective and care.

I have used a babysitter/nanny in the past (seeking a new one now) and it works out great because the kids feel comfotable being in their own environment, and I get to hang around to check in on them and see what they do together.

What worked for my little one was having a schedule (mainly imposed by her older siblings), and having regular activities every morning. (nanny, playgroup, errands, etc.) It wore her out enough to be really tired.

Not all kids will respond to a schedule in the same way, so figure out what works for her. If she is happiest in the AM, that's the time she should be in another's care.

Also, make sure you take time to get a medical check-up, talk to some like-minded moms, seek therapy if you feel it is neccessary, and get some excercise. Taking one morning a week to "do" stuff, appts, errands, etc. and one to take care of you (maybe excercise, a haircut, a coffee or tea with a friend, etc.) will be tremendously helpful.

I also found it really helpful when going through tough times to eat well, excercise (even when I didn't want to), and journal.

Hope that helps some-my thoughts are with you and your little one.


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## Danielsmom (Jul 19, 2004)

I think some sort of daycare would be helpful to give you the chance to regain some energy.
My ds does a playschool 2 mornings a week and it gives me a chance to write, exercise, do things that are not so easy to do when ds is around. And he loves his playschool! And there are some little ones in his school that are your daughter's age and they seem to enjoy it too.

Equally important is that you need to find out why you feel so sick. It could be depression, but it could also be anemia or even a thyroid condition that is causing your dizziness. Please get a good exam with bloodwork done. I would see your primary care physician for a complete physical exam.


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## mamasaurus (Jun 20, 2004)

Here is another thread that sort of relates to your question. It may be helpful to read:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=375552

Take care of yourself, and yes, if daycare helps you and her, then yes.


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## Datura (Mar 18, 2005)

I so hear you. As a former daycare worker, I was dead set that I was *not* going to put Ryder in a daycare. Ever.

Well, heh, stuff happens. We'd had his godmother (a professional nanny anyhow) looking after him a few hours a week during my classes. She got pregnant and very, very nauseated. Too sick to get out of bed, much less chase my two year old. It was the end of semester, and I had *zero* childcare (DH works full time). Out of desperation, I called around to some of the local daycares. Low and behold, one had a spot open RIGHT THEN. We went to check it out, and it was amazing. 1 to 5 staff ratio. All except two staffmembers have their early childhood degrees, and those two were partway through. Lovely building with HUGE play yards, home cooked meals, healthy snacks, water to drink instead of red dye... Perfect. But he had never slept without the booboo, and had never been apart from me for more than a few hours. I tell you what, he was sleeping like an angel within a few days. All those other kids and those adults that he trusted were there, they were sleeping, he had a nice snuggly bed.... Sleepy time. He adores the staff, and they are extremely AP. When he is having trouble sleeping or just needs some love, they cuddle and hold him as much as he wants. I'm almost jealous of how much he likes them, and how happily he scoots off to them in the mornings. (Just a few days a week, he likes it so much that we've kept him in during the break.)

Socially, he's turned into a little butterfly. The kids come running up to him in the mornings (particularly the little girlies) to say hi. When we're getting ready to go, he'll ask, "Gonna go see fwends!?" When I tell him yes, he gets all excited and runs to the door. He's speaking so well now, and has become a very well adjusted little guy. We've seen no aggression issues whatsoever. (I worried about this.)

As for me, well.








I get time to take a shower, wash my hair, AND shave my legs. I get time to use the toilet without having someone making TP confetti. I get a few hours of peace. I can sleep after a hard night of being up with him. I can get my hair done, go to the spa, a movie, shopping. Oh yeah, and get that darn housework done.









I alternate days so that he has a day hanging out with his friends, and a day of pure mommy time. Pure mommy days I'm rested and I have the stuff that HAS to be done, done. So I'm relaxed, rested, and happy. I find that I'm much more present with him now, not the walking zombie I was. I can get projects ready for him while he's at daycare to do on mommy days, rather than trying to frantically mix up finger paint while he's screaming, "Painting, painting!!!". I'm also getting fewer grey hairs.

I agree completely with a previous poster. You can't give of yourself to your kidnik until there's nothing left for either of you. For almost two years I nearly martyred myself trying to be the perfect AP mom, and it was stressing me out to the point of near insanity. I may not be by-the-book AP, but I sure am saner now.


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## anarchamama (Mar 4, 2005)

Not only would I do it, I do do it! When Ds was born I was iffy about daycare, my parents were big daycare fans and I wasn't sure it was a good choice for us. I went back to work one day a week when DS was 6 months, but he was with DH or gmas untill18 months. At 18 months I started him in daycare 2 full days a week. This was a big decision and was based as much on his personality as anything. He is very outgoing and sociable. I put him in with the understanding that if he seemed unhappy or clingy, or had any negative behaviors develop that I would stop. Of course he didn't, I went with him the first week to help him transition and ended up sitting inthe corner staring at the wall, as he was so disinterested in whether I was there or not. I also didn't send him to the best daycare I would find. I know that sounds odd and he is going to a fancier montessorri preschool when he turns three. But I think my son is in danger of being overprotected. With two parents 5 gparents 5 aunts/uncles and no other kids, he has no competition. He also had no exposure to other than AP kids among our friends......I wanted DS to experience and have to deal with some diversity in a safe environment, and that is exactly what has happened and I think it has been great for him. It also pushed him up a notch developmentally when he started as there wasn't an adult there catering to his every whim, he had to compete with other kids and learn to express himslef better. I love my DS to pieces but I think being somewhere where he IS NOT the center of the universe has been very good for him. Also the physical play is great, it is really cold here in the winter, often to cold to play outside for more than 15 min, so with going to daycare I know he will get some good physical activity even if its crappy outside. DS is now 2 1/2 and still loves it, I just started mat leave, expecting #2 in Jan, but we are leaving him in daycare 3 days a week.

Sorry that was such a novel.............

Heather


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## Vicitoria (Dec 17, 2004)

I would definitely to do daycare. But, at 15 months you may want to consider a consistant schedule like every morning or mwf mornings instead of one full day a week. I tried to just take my son to the Y one hour a day and it was a miserable experience. They kept telling me to bring him every day and leave him for 10 minutes the first day and a little longer each day. I never did because I couldn't waste time driving across town for 10 minutes a day and not even get to work out. Given that experience, and the fact your daughter is really clingy, I would find the right environment for her and get her used to it and stick with it. The first day, or few days she may cry a lot. When she is used to it, it will be better.

Unless you plan on leaving the house when a nanny shows up I don't think in house care is a great idea. I think you need common ground and also separate ground. My train of thought is if ds stays home all the time is there something wrong with her that mommy goes out and she doesnt? I know that sounds a little absurd but it also has merrit if you have a clingy child. ON the other hand. If you have a nanny that can come in and help you get it all under control so you can take over that's something else. Not like you need to call super nanny but it does sound like you have some serious behavior issues to deal with.

AP is ultimately about doing what's best for your child and if your child is acting out in such ways, you need to find what's best (better) for her. We are currently living with my FIL until our apartment here is ready. He cooks and cleans and walks the dog when I can't. I take care of ds. It's amazing. I have all this time and attention just to spend on him and we have a whole new relationship. I`m different and ds is just full speed ahead in adjusting and really advancing with all the attention. Good luck finding your answer and God Bless.


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## mamamelia (Apr 14, 2005)

THANKYOU AGAIN MAMAS!! i'm completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of love!









last weekend and this week have been hellish. i tried to cut down on how much boobie dd was recieving and there was nothing but whining, more whining, no sleep, whining.. oh and did i mention whining? i ended up cracking it at dh and dd and said "THAT'S IT.. i refuse to be pushed aside anymore" and "i'm not doing ANYTHING until things change in this house."

and tonight i had another screaming match. dh didn't scream at all. it was me doing all the shouting and cussing. it was reeeaaaaalllllllllllly ugly. i don't know how i'm going to face the neighbours tomorrow.























i guess it was me blowing up. enough is enough. i'm so mentally exhausted, i could not even come up with words to say to dh. so i just screamed.









dh got the point. he has never seen me so out of control. and so we've come to an agreement. this friday we are going to check out the montessori pre-school/daycare. dh didn't want dd in daycare - he just doesn't trust that a stranger will take care of his baby girl the way she should be taken care of. but i kindly reminded him that i wasn't doing such a crash hot job either and that she didn't need her mama losing it every few days. how unstable and unfair to dd.
we've decided that dd WILL be having some form of non-mommy care (if the montessori daycare isn't appropriate then we will keep looking) and if she has a hard time at daycare (or seems upset/irritable/different in any way after the first few visits), then i'll be getting an AP nanny to look after her.
we decided on 2 full days a week - monday and wednesday.
i'm keeping my fingers crossed that dd will enjoy running around with the other kids and not notice if i'm there or not.
personally, i think she is desperate for freinds. i find that she interferes with children when we go out, and children always touch and pat her too. she is a very happy and outgoing little girl.









i've decided that i won't be weaning her. i was angry and disturbed the whole time she was crying for boobie. i don't think i can put her through "no mommy for 2 days a week" AND no boobie. it's just too traumatic for a little person. but i may fully night wean her. i had partially nightweaned her a few months ago.

we are also getting some new things for the house - a new oven and cooktop. i think the gas fumes from our old shitty cooktop and oven were making me dizzy.

and drumroll please....

i have a bad history of saying that i'll do something and then i never get around to doing it. BUT.. this is the first time that i've said i'm going to do this.. and ACTUALLY started the process. and well, now i've COMPLETELY blown up (man you should of seen me scream), had enough and i can't believe i'm actually really, well and truely going to do what i say i'm going to do.
it feels sooo good. i'm proud of myself for taking the initiative to do something about this. i'm the type of person that *always* takes the backseat.

i have to say that i felt so different after screaming. my head was a *little* clearer than usual. i felt more calm and in control. screaming therapy anyone???









anyway, i am going to see my doctor soon. going to re-do blood tests, ask for an EN&T referral (thankyou to the person that mentioned this!!) and a few other tests. i'm going to get to the bottom of the dizziness and headaches that i'm experiencing. and i'm finally going to make that damn appointment to see our church counsellor. i've been saying i'm going to do it for almost 5 months now. dh tells me she's wonderful. i'm hoping she can help me to deal with my anxiety and PPD.

anyway, another THANKYOU to all the wonderful mamas that posted. y'all have been so helpful! i think i really need to let go of all the little voices in my head saying "but that's not AP...."









hopefully i'll come back with an update in a few weeks time, just to let you guys know how it's all going.









*"I get time to use the toilet without having someone making TP confetti."*

my dd is the queen of TP confetti.
















&


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## mamasaurus (Jun 20, 2004)

Sounds good - well, you had to hit the wall before DH realized how serious you were.

Night-weaning sounds good.







I was in such bad shape until I night-weaned my first DD at 12 months. It was VERY VERY hard, I will warn you - but you need to sleep. Sleep will help you sooooo much. She can still have mommy's milk during the day. She will be ok, so hang in there when she is SCREAMING at you at 2am for milk.

Concentrate on being a family-centered family, not a DD-centered family. That focus helped me a lot.

Good luck and Happy Holidays!


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## Owen'nZoe (Sep 7, 2005)

Kuddos to you for knowing what you needed to do for yourself and your babe, and for looking for help! I hope the preschool works out for you, and that if it doesn't, you are able to find a different situation that will work.

Quote:

if she has a hard time at daycare (or seems upset/irritable/different in any way after the first few visits), then i'll be getting an AP nanny to look after her.
I just wanted to mention that a few visits _may_ not be enough to get a sense of whether it will work out or not. She has been with just mama for a year and a half - the transition _might_ be a bit hard (of course it could go swimmingly







). DS has been in a home daycare 3 days a week since he was 4 months old, and his provider (who is wonderful, btw, and has run her daycare for 12 years) has mentioned to me that the kids who start daycare after 1 year seem to have a bit of a hard time adjusting to it - but once they adjust, they generally love it.

We also just started night weaning. After 1 month of transitioning, the rule is now that we have to wait until the sun comes up to nurse again. My son is a few months older than your DD, but he has adjusted better than I expected. ("He'll say "Dark - no nursies" when he gets up at night, or "Nursie! Nursie!" when he sees the sun is up.







) And I am getting more sleep, so find myself dealing with him better during the day.


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## mamasaurus (Jun 20, 2004)

I agree with going by the sun for night-weaning. It is one thing that makes sense to little ones who can't tell time!


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

I'm late to this thread but just wanted to share my experiences w/daycare. I was a SAHM to DS until he was around 18 mos. Then I seperated from my DH and was forced to get a job and put DS into daycare. He HATED it. It was an awful transition. He cried at dropoffs for the first 3 months, then stopped for a while and started again. Then he started biting and the owner threatened to throw him out after repeated offenses. It got to the point where she said "one more bite and I'll have to have him leave." Eventually I ended up quitting my job to take a WAH position and took him out of daycare. He stayed out for 3 mos. Then around age 2.5 I noticed him really getting bored with me. I could tell he needed "more" that I could offer. I was working part-time from home and couldn't always entertain him. So I sent him back to the same daycare. 3 days a week from 9am - 3 pm. Now he loves it. He has so much fun there. The whole car ride home each day he talks about howmuch fun he has with his friends.

His language has improved dramatically, his socialization skills are great, he now takes scheduled naps







Not sure how they managed that one, but YAY! He's just doing great







I think the first time he was forced to go before he was ready and now he is ready. So if your dd hates it give her time and then try again. She may still be too young.


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Caring touch,

Why do I find it so ironic that you are advocating a book that teaches child abuse under that user name? You do know where you are, right?


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## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

There is a list of some great books that you can turn to for reference. I believe there is a sticky here somewhere... let me find it.


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## HelloKitty (Apr 1, 2004)

Here it is! http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=115037


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## juicylucy (May 20, 2002)

There is absolutely nothing LOVING about these books. I can't believe I am reading this post on MDC of all places


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## mamadawg (Jun 23, 2004)

Wow, advocating the Pearls on MDC. Yet again. Disgusting.


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)




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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

all of the moderators on this forum are volunteers and contribute their time in between family responsibilites. your patience is appreciated.


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## pamelamama (Dec 12, 2002)

Could those of you who quoted the problematic post please remove it from your quotes, thanks.


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## Kathryn (Oct 19, 2004)

Thank you Pamela!!!


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## WuWei (Oct 16, 2005)

I haven't read all the posts but I insist that you all need to look into food intolerances. Our son was wired from several different foods; but once we eliminated them for several weeks completely, he nursed less, was less irritable, and slept longer periods. Please check out www.feingolddiet.org. He is physically aggressive and unable to hear my needs, my boundaries or decrease his kinetic activity when he has dairy (including casein and whey), high fructose corn syrup (not sugar), artificial colors red and yellow. And soy and wheat interfere with his sleep cycles. We are trying to eliminate all gluten from his diet. We also avoid artificial flavors and preservatives, and limit salicylate loading (naturally found in many foods).

He is highly sensitive, probably would be defined as ADHD in an environment expecting him to sit for extended periods and has sensory seeking behaviors. Long and short of it, our family life is much calmer, he is happier and less imposing with his repetitive behaviors when he is not consuming those food ingredients. Concurrently, I eliminated all of them because we were nursing and *I* felt better. I had fewer headaches, was less irritable, more patient and felt more rested, slept more soundly, awakened less and fell back asleep more quickly. We are also on classical homeopathy which I know also makes a difference in our temperments.

I was severely sleep deprived (for two years) and had physical body space "violation" issues with ds's natural explorations and intrusive curiosity also. I gently weaned ds from every 60-90 minute nursing all day and night after reading "The No Cry Sleep Solution". Over time, we developed additional comfort activities beyond nursing.

Basically, I don't know that removing dd from your environment will alter your dynamics. However, I agree with previous posters that her safety (emotional and physical) as well as your own are priorities. I don't know what type of supportive resources that you have. We got a teenager mother's helper to come for a couple of hours several days a week for a while, and that helped immensely. I delegated everything except childcare. Dh learned to do cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc. while we struggled with sleep and food issues. Many household issues were postponed or ignored.

I also sought personal counselling for my body space issues and that helped me to have some perspective about ds natural age-appropriate explorations and behaviors. But, eliminating dairy was the biggest benefit to our relationship. Because ds became more able to hear my needs, and control his impact. Not at 15 months, but over time. And, I was less aggitated too. Protein is my essential food. Eating it first thing in the morning changes my whole day.

Are you getting PPD help? Is there a forum for that on MDC? What about medications that don't interfere with lactation? I am fine with setting personal body space boundaries on nursing, as long as mutually agreeable alternatives are created. I don't agree with leaving a child against their will however. If dh, a friend, a family member, someone hired, etc. needs to take some time to help you, find a way. Or, find an alternative situation that off loads you, but allows your daughter access to you when she needs you. Perhaps an in-home care giver that she goes to, but that you hang out there until she is comfortable with you leaving for short periods and extend that time as you both are comfortable. Or, a mother's helper/babysitter who becomes familiar enough that dd is comfortable that you can leave for short periods and increasingly longer periods. Same with dh doing one-on-one care while you leave for short periods, or napping or going for a run, etc.

There are more than two options: home with dd OR dd at daycare. The underlying needs of both of you need to be met in order to break the escalating cycle of distress.

Btw, there are Bach Flower remedies that can help either or both of you with transitions and crisis too. Rescue Remedy, Elm, White Chestnut, Beech, etc. are valuable for stress, impatience, ruminations, compulsions, intolerance, etc. We also found the aromatherapy "Peace & Calming" to help wind down for sleep. There are natural alternatives to help with sleep too. Melatonin and cod liver oil alter the brain chemistry in some manner that is calm inducing. Also, getting plenty of sunlight and lowering the lights at night help with bio-rhythms. I don't know if there is a forum on MDC about natural/alternative health.

HTH,

Pat


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