# How much privacy do we give our kids?



## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Have you ever read their diary?

Listened in on a phone call?

Asked their friends questions about them they wouldn't answer?

Would you follow them?

Have you gone through their personal things, like a purse, back pack, wallet?

Have you looked through their room?

How much privacy do you give your kids and how often do you feel you invade their privacy?


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## mommariffic (Mar 18, 2009)

I don't know the answer to this because my kids are little (under 5) so they don't have "stuff" to invade

But I have really vivid memories of my parents listening to phone conversations, looking in my binders, reading journals and the likes and it really messed me up for a good bit because I lived in this state of constant paranoia that my parents would read some inner thought that was just..for my eyes only.

So I think when my kids are that age I'm going to try hard NOT to snoop unless I feel they are in danger or something.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mommariffic*
> But I have really vivid memories of my parents listening to phone conversations, looking in my binders, reading journals and the likes and it really messed me up for a good bit because I lived in this state of constant paranoia that my parents would read some inner thought that was just..for my eyes only.
> 
> So I think when my kids are that age I'm going to try hard NOT to snoop unless I feel they are in danger or something.


this. My kids are older (13 and 14) and they have a TON of privacy -- partly out of my reaction to my uber controlling parents who felt I didn't deserve any.

If I were concerned about something specific -- one of my kids was depressed or in some other ways sending up red flags I would consider invading their privacy to help them, but I would still think through it carefully and check my motives and the possible outcomes for them.

One issue with privacy now that wasn't the case when I was growing up is that much of my kids' communication with their peers is in easily traceable ways. I don't read their Facebook pages or texts messages, but have made it very clear to them how public those mediums are, and that other parents do things like routinely read all texts, listen to all phone messages, etc. I've stressed that nothing communicated digitally is private, even if it seems like it is at the time. It all leaves traces.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I haven't done any of these things without them knowing. I look through their backpacks everyday, however I only look in two compartments, the main one and the pocket they keep their snacks in. The other pockets are not for my viewing. I know there is stuff in there and I'm so curious! DD1 is an open book she'll tell you everything if you ask. And sometimes when you don't.

Really thinking about this I can see myself feeling like I needed to look through their purse or back pack. I wouldn't read their diary, my brother did that to me once and then showed it everyone. I probably would follow them if I thought they were doing something unsafe, like sneaking out or not going where they said they would go. I think If I felt I needed to monitor their computer use and phone use I would let them know I planned on doing it.

Ugh!


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## wishin'&hopin' (Jun 2, 2008)

I am adamant about NOT snooping in/through my child's belongings unless, and this would have to be a BIG unless, there was a compelling reason to believe that he was in danger.

My mom gave me no privacy and no space. She snooped, read my journals, went through my things--regularly. I was a good kid, good grades, reasonable friends. I really think that the lack of respect my mom had for me and my need for privacy destroyed our relationship. We live thousands of miles apart, I have spoken to her approximately 6 times in the past 2 years and not at all in the past 4 months. It sucks...but my reaction to her snooping was to put up impenetrable walls.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> Have you ever read their diary? No
> 
> ...


I have another one if you do not mind, Op, and that is how much online privacy do you give them? Do you know their passwords to Facebook and the like?


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Huh, I hadn't though of it that way. Even if I don't read my dd's texts, her friend's parent might be doing so on the other end. I should point that out to her.

I don't do any of the things listed. I think I give my dd a lot of privacy. However, she left her Facebook account open just yesterday and I did check out her new boyfriend's FB page.









So I learned he's an atheist, likes Scott Pilgrim, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog.









Kathy I hadn't read yours when I posted. I probably know dd's Facebook password, but I haven't purposefully gone in there. She spends a lot of time on Tumblr and I really don't know what it's about. But she tells me to stay away because it's nothing but crude humor and teen angst.









I respect her privacy, am not interested in snooping. But yeah, if I thought there was trouble I would consider it, if I thought it might be useful.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Actually DD1 is allowed on the webs, she plays mmo's and DH sits with her. The rules for that are, no age, no name, no gender. Chat is for game play only. DH reads all that. The DD's have a FB together with cousins only because they did the summer challenge. I log into that. No pictures though just a silly drawing they did together.


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## new2this (Feb 11, 2010)

We are not there yet. With some things for us privacy is a privelage once trust is broken then you no longer have the right to privacy and have to earn it back.

I will not go through rooms unless I have reason to believe I need to, diaries I will not read unless I think I need to like to find out if they are depressed and things like that. For the most part your room is your room. I would not listen to phone calls as in picking up the other end. I am not a fan of eaves dropping either.

Um as far as internet goes I am more in the thinking of being proactive so we will have all pws and they will know that at anytime we can go in. However unless there is reason to then I don't see myself going in there. Its sorta like DH and I have each other's pws but neither of us actually exercise access to each others stuff. And there won't be no computers in rooms but in a open family area. Backpacks though at least 6th grade and under will be free access to. And with age comes more privacy.

Pretty much you have privacy and unless we feel we need to look into things we won't invade the privacy. I remember my mom going through my room. However at the time I was upset about it she had good reason. I was 15 and writing 30 yr guy in jail. We knew the guy outside of jail but still wasn't appropriate. And thats also how she found out my friend might be pregnant because she was cleaning and found an empty pregnancy test box in m bathroom so that prompted her to go into my room. Because that aspect was very out of character for me so she was a bit concerned. because we talked about everything.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I wonder why our parents felt the need to go through all of our things. My mom read my diary. When I found out I was mad, but being me I chose to write outlandish tales just to freak her out and at the end of the entry I would say things like "HA! Got you mom!". You could tell she read it because she would act a little sheepish all day. I remember my step dad laughing about it all with her one night. "She got you good this time, stop snooping!" I was the star child, no joke! Never did anything. I was dorky enough to ask to skip school on Senior skip day. By that point my mom was like, do what you want dork, you never do anything anyway! By the way I read my moms diary onces... can you say mouth breather? She had nothing good to say. "I went to the gym, my shorts were lose today. I ate an apple, oh I have to remember to bring cookies to church group." BORING! Maybe she read mine to spice up her life.

I can already tell DD1 won't ever be a problem, she's just not sneaky and she can't lie to save her life. She'll try to lie but then she says never mind I forgot the rest of my lie. I always end up laughing and she doesn't get in trouble. Little DD is a mulberry streeter. Read Seuss' "The things I saw on Mulberry Street." And she's sneaky as heck. This morning, I couldn't find my bobby pins or lipstick. I have to keep my bathroom locked because she gets in there and takes so much stuff then hides it. DD1 knows where the key is and is allowed in there because she doesn't touch my things. So yes I'll be going home today and checking their room, because she'll have lipstick on and come up with how she got lipstick all over herself and it wasn't mine somehow. Still trying to figure out how she got in my bathroom. DD1 said she didn't tell her where the key was. I already told DD1 I'd be going through their room since other things are missing so she knows she has until tonight to hide what she feels she needs to hide from.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> I wonder why our parents felt the need to go through all of our things.


My parents did not. I vaguely remember one conversation where my mom said she felt she had the right to look in my stuff if she ever thought I was on drugs or something, but to the best of my knowledge she never did.

The only thing she did which was sort of an invasion of privacy was throw out my clothes and stuff if I did not use them. I know why she did it ("we have no space - and you are not using it - why should you care?") but it still burned. My Dh had it even worse in this regard - he once rescued his pillow which his mom shot out because he thought it was ratty. We both have issues with stuff, and some of it comes down to not repeating the mistakes our parents made in this regard. I am not blaming my parents or DH parents for stuff issues - but still, there is baggage there.


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## stressybessy (Sep 23, 2010)

Mine is too young for this to be an issue right now, but I remember how little privacy I was allowed by my family and how destructive this was for me. Even now if I write in my diary or write a post online in a help forum I have paranoia about someone I know reading it. I think diaries are off limits. However I've had friends with teenagers tell me awful things they have found on Facebook or in text messages containing abusive and threatening messages from friends or boyfriends which I WOULD want to know about and as parents we do need to know about. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if FB was only available to 18 year olds and over. But mobile phones are necessary for your teenager to contact you so you can't limit that...and I do think it's rude to read someone's texts...


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

Hmmmm......we give privacy, and ask that everyone respect private spaces in our home. So, theoretically, the kids cannot just bound into each other's bedrooms, closed doors mean knocking is needed to enter, etc.

DD is not on line yet-I think we're one of the last hold outs in middle school, or at least it feels that way! However, the computer is centrally located, not in the bedrooms.

The phone was a place of negotiation. We do reserve the right to read texts, and dd knows this. She has fortunately never been the recipient of any bullying, but some of the texts she's received from friends about other kids have been things we are uncomfortable with. Of course kids can, and will say whatever they want to each other, but it's a different ball game when you put it out there via text or FB. We have had many conversations about not responding to "chain" texts ( a big issue at school last year). DD has gotten a few, random texts from unknown people-not in her circle of friends, kind of sketchy, so we've gone over that.

We're in a different place now with some experience, and dd is pretty responsible. But frankly, the phone was a big deal, and we weren't about to hand off this form of communication without ongoing guidance.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

No to all of the above. But mine are 6 and 4. If I thought there was a SERIOUS issue, like snorting coke or contemplating suicide.... then I think I would break the rules and invade their privacy, just to the degree to get to the issue to help out. My mom read my diary, as did my younger sister, Later they both steamed open the love letters from my boyfriend, read them, then put them back. Disgusting.

However, I bet there are parents, also on this forum, that do many or all of the above. But they are going to read the OP and then not reply.


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## cateerob (May 23, 2005)

both my kids are on face book..17yr old ds and 14yr dd... both are my friend on fb so i do monitor their accounts, i have the controls set up on the laptops so i can check which websites the look at, i cant remember the last time i checked my sons but my dd is not making very good choices at the moment and had some mental health issues so i keep an eye on her online and as i pay for her phone i do occasionally check her txt messages/call log. I know both kids passwords for email etc, i don't check my sons anymore..he may even have changed his password

I wouldn't read their journals if they had them, not sure if they do... don't go into their rooms when they are out except to dump the clean laundry on their beds or to retrieve something of mine that i know is in there. I don't listen in on their calls unless they are sitting in the same room then i cant help but hear

I think there is a big difference between the privacy of a journal compared to the supposed privacy of being on-line...

I wouldn't follow either of them, but if they tell me they are somewhere that is where i expect them to be and i do phone their friends parents occasionally to make sure they really where they have told me they are, they both know i will do this so no point lying about who's house you are sleeping over in.

All in all i think it depends on the child, i have caught my daughter out so many times with lying about who she is taling to and where she is going that she has much less privacy than my son, her choice.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

We only look at their online activities because we want to keep them safe and away from bullies.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *cateerob*
> 
> I think there is a big difference between the privacy of a journal compared to the supposed privacy of being on-line...


I agree with this. I would not read journals, open mail, snoop around a room, follow my child (unless I felt they were in danger), but the on-line piece and the text piece feel different to me, esp. when your teen is younger and inexperienced. I get that there are parents who can, or feel they can, be completely hands off, and I'm sure that when my oldest is further into her teens, we will be too. But, we do ask her to bring us questionable texts, etc. to talk over. Last year she had a friend giving out other kids phone #'s to basically an adult stranger, and there were chain mail texts going around that felt more threatening than silly. We have parental controls-we blocked the creepy #.

For me, there is a difference between snooping, or being overly controlling, and being a normal parent who doesn't hand over the reigns to everything in order to seem not intrusive. Probably not a popular or cool MDC position, but there you have it.


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## tooraloora (Oct 15, 2010)

My kids are still very young (14 months and 6 years) so a lot of this hasn't come up yet. Right now, my 6 year old DD does not keep a diary yet, does not have phone access, goes no where without me, and we share a room. As it stands now, none of us have any privacy, and she hasn't expressed any interest in having privacy. It seems to be a foreign concept for her, much to our roommate's chagrin. Lately we've been discussing privacy (specifically our roommate's desire for it) and working on openness, honesty, trust, and making good choices. I'm hoping by the time she becomes interested in having privacy, we'll have established enough trust that snooping won't be necessary. I don't plan on invading her privacy unless I'm legitimately afraid for her safety. However, even then, there are certain things that just feel off limits to me, the biggie being reading her diary. I got in a lot of trouble over my journal entries when I was younger, and I clearly remember how violated I felt knowing that someone had read my most intimate thoughts and that I was being punished for having them. I don't ever want to make her feel like that. Of course I'd never directly punish over something like that, but at the same time, going into someone's personal thoughts you're risking finding something you don't want to know, and I imagine it would be difficult to not react to some things. It just seems best not to put myself or her in that position to begin with. As far as the online thing goes, my kids don't have access to computers, and I don't plan on that changing very much. In a few years, I may start letting DD use my lap top occasionally for educational purposes, but not for anything else, and as I'm her teacher, of course I'd be supervising. My computer is the only screen in the house, and I'd like to eventually limit my own use to no more than an hour or so per week.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

My parents, stellar in many ways, were TERRIBLE about respecting privacy. I literally did not have privacy for my bodily functions. I was 22 years old before I stopped dragging a piece of furniture in front of the bathroom door in the house I shared with my boyfriend. My parents wouldn't (couldn't?) understand that my desire for privacy was legitimate and healthy in the way that an adult's would be. I used to have to push my bedstead against the door at night to keep my little brother from coming in at the crack of dawn and hitting me in the face. The usual journal-reading, etc. that characterizes parents who don't respect privacy was also an issue sometimes, but the tough part for me was the lack of physical privacy.

All of that to illustrate how much I appreciate the need for my children to have privacy in my home, and that it's my role as a parent to provide spaces where they can be alone with no fear of being barged in on. Our bathrooms have locks and our bedroom have locks. Everybody knocks. I clean up their stuff and will be doing that for years, but I can't imagine anything a normal kid would have in their bedroom that would prompt me into some kind of confrontation with them. I'm a pretty laid-back person about naughty pictures and cigarettes and other such teenage contraband. My folks set a good example on that front at least.

The big change that has happened, of course, is digital communication. My kids are too young for texting or Facebook. They do surf the Web a bit, and I monitor that. When they are old enough to WANT privacy for texting or Internet use - well, that's when I get to tell them that there's no such thing, and that they must assume that every word, image, idea they consume or put out there - especially ones connected to their IRL identity - can and will be intercepted and viewed by their own parents or somebody else's. Until they are 18, I'm going to monitor them in cyberspace.

I will not, however, eavesdrop on any real conversation they may choose to have offline, with friends who I can actually see


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## onlyzombiecat (Aug 15, 2004)

Dd is 11 years old. I think most of these questions pertain to privacy for teens so I am not quite there yet.

*Have you ever read their diary?* No paper diary that I know of. I don't think I would look at one unless dd was acting in a manner that made me worried for her safety and wouldn't talk to anyone.

*Listened in on a phone call?* Well, I've been in the room when she is on the phone but she knew it. I've never secretly picked up another receiver and listened in.

*Asked their friends questions about them they wouldn't answer?* No. Not unless she was acting super weird and wouldn't talk and I was afraid for her safety.

*Would you follow them?* I can't imagine doing this.

*Have you gone through their personal things, like a purse, back pack, wallet?* Not really. I have looked for things with dd's permission and knowledge or checked if something is packed for a trip. I do sometimes help with room cleaning or put away clothes without much warning.

*Have you looked through their room?* Not really. I go in there to speak to her or put something away but I don't go in just to look through things.

*How much privacy do you give your kids and how often do you feel you invade their privacy?*

I give dd more privacy than she gives me. I guess I invade dd's privacy a bit but I don't think it is excessive or for the purpose of snooping.

The bathroom door has a lock which dd can use. Dd's bedroom has a door that she frequently closes. If doors are closed we are supposed to knock in our house. Dd has her own computer (no internet) and I don't look at anything on it unless she shows me. Dd doesn't have unsupervised internet access or a phone of her own. I haven't forbidden dd to use the phone but she never calls anyone. She doesn't have a Facebook or e-mail account of her own yet. I do allow her to send e-mail to certain people with my e-mail account and I do not read the messages first. I do not follow her around 24/7 to see what she is doing. She has been off in another part of the house for over an hour and I haven't checked on her.


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## Zan&Zav (Nov 25, 2006)

Mine are 7 and 5 right now but I have learned some valuable lessons through my best friend who has a 14 year old son. I will read every text, or they won't have phones. I will have the password for every account they have online, or they won't be able to access the internet in my home. I believe if all parents were like this kids would get in deep trouble far less. And my friends son told me in confidence that he likes knowing mom will check, that it keeps him from making poor decisions. Now I won't go through their rooms or anything unless I felt they were in some kind of trouble. I feel with anything digital its easy for adults to fall into trouble and it's alot of responsibility to hand over to a child without them having time to learn.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Have you ever read their diary? No.

Listened in on a phone call? Overheard, yes, when they knew that I was present (so they could move away and speak privately if they wanted). Eavesdropped surreptiously, no.

Asked their friends questions about them they wouldn't answer? No.

Would you follow them? No

Have you gone through their personal things, like a purse, back pack, wallet? Only with their knowledge, to borrow a pen or something like that.

Have you looked through their room? They know that if they don't put their dirty clothes or bed linens in the laundry, I will go get them. Likewise, if they leave clean laundry or books or other personal items lying out, I will put them in their rooms. I don't go through their drawers or peep under the bed.

How much privacy do you give your kids and how often do you feel you invade their privacy?

I respect their privacy. I don't have passwords for their e-mail or Facebook. I hated living without privacy when I was growing up (a parent who snooped and listened in on my phone calls, many siblings so it was hard to find separate space at home, and I shared bedroom until I moved out at age 17, desperate for my own space). I don't want my dc to feel like that in their own home. I trust that they have learned to conduct themselves appropriately, including on-line, and that they will seek out my help if they need it to deal with any problems.

I also believe that I don't need to know about or share every.single.little.thing about their lives to have a close and loving relationship with them. I don't need to spy on them or deceive them to know that they are doing well. If they are troubled about something, I recognize the signs and extend some extra support and comfort and let them know that I'm available to help them.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

my dd is 9.

when i was reading your OP my reaction was v. visceral.







my insides completely churned and my whole body went NOOOOOO!!!!

dd is on FB, has her own email account and surfs the web often. she has been given her boundaries there and also been told she needs overseeing where this is concerned. she knows all her online stuff is not private. even when she opened up her new secret society email she knew i had to have access to it. she has had dangers of internet talk.

when she is online i take a cursory glance at her email. she writes to some common adults i am not so much in touch with.

if i ever felt like snooping for me it would be a total failure as a mother. that i wasnt able to be the mother dd wanted and thus i had to snoop. but who knows. she is not 14 yet. right now i dont have to worry about secrets.

plus dd has some of my friends who i consider safe and wise and whom dd loves so she has someone else to talk to when she doesnt want to talk to me.

so i feel there really should be no reason for major secrets.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *cateerob*
> 
> I think there is a big difference between the privacy of a journal compared to the supposed privacy of being on-line...


On my kids' facebook accounts, they have set the privacy settings so that no one can see their page without them accepting the person as a friend. They are also both in a small, private facebook group which only people in the group can see/read. They both have private one-on-one chats with friends on facebook.

To feel that as their mother, none of that is private and I have a right/obligation to review all of it to me is the same thing as a parent routinely listen at the door with a teen is talking to a friend, or picking up the other phone to listen to conversations.

I think there is a difference between being "friends" with one's child on Facebook, and demanding the passwords to write what the child has deemed private. Very different things.

The reason I'm not facebook friends with my kids is that I'm not into facebook, and have no desire to get into it just so I can follow my kids around.


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## FarmerBeth (Mar 9, 2011)

I give my kids privacy as much as possible. I can still remember (and I'm afraid that even now it's still with anger) my mother reading everything I had in my dresser drawers. I was a prolific writer, and I was upset not only about true things I had written in my journal being dug up, but also poetry and fiction that was not edited or ready for public consumption. The fiction reading may not have bothered some teens, but to me it was humiliating. She even read an experimental piece of poetry about bleeding and assumed I was picturing killing her, out of all things. I took nearly two years to write anything again, outside of school. The only vindication was that at least the piece I wrote was picked up by a small publishing company. I think that to this day I still prefer nonverbal expression just because it's less concretely capable of being interpreted.

Because my older two are preteens, I do keep the computer in a family space so that they feel less inclined to get into situations they shouldn't be comfortable in, but i don't read anything. They e-mail but don't Facebook (none of us do), but they do play online games. My youngest has parental controls on his account because he's 7, so that he can only chat with approved people on our list. Before DH went back to school to become a nurse, he worked in the computer engineering field, and for a while specifically in security. He's very explicit with the kids as to how little privacy there is with anything online, and I feel they are adequately informed.

I did accidentally come upon a note once. It fell out on the floor from a backpack, and I read it to see who it belonged to. I saw that my daughter had been passing along a poll about who didn't like a girl in her class. I couldn't help remembering being that girl, once, and brought it up. She felt so betrayed and was angry with me for days, and I felt awful. I didn't know if it was worse that I had read it or that I had discussed it. We decided together after that if I find a random paper from now on, I'll just ask who it belongs to and walk away. I'd rather find out things when my kids are ready to discuss it than happen upon it again.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"She felt so betrayed and was angry with me for days, and I felt awful."

Having been in a similar position once (not with that particular genre of note, but something else meanspirited), what you daughter probably actually felt was shame that you had found out about her cruelty. That's an appropriate emotion for her to feel in that circumstance.

I'm not saying you should make a habit of digging through her stuff, but bullying is something that you need to address whenever it comes to your attention, not when the bully is "ready to discuss it." You had a parent-job to do and you did it.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

I believe privacy is very important, because what "I respect your privacy" really says, is "I respect YOU".

That being said, we don't have TV here, the internet is not on my kids radar (period...and it won't be for as long as possible, it is just WAY against our value system to allow access to the world in that way), we belong to a small homeschool co-op, and will not at any point in time be buying a cell phone for any child while they are living under our roof....so, our world is very small and we've gone out of our way to live in the middle of nowhere and create a very laid back and safe place for our kids to grow.

The only areas of modern life that make me feel an itch to turn "snoopy" involve things that we just don't like anyway (cell phone, FB, surfing the web, etc). Things like journals and friendships and all of that, REAL places which actually exist in the mind and heart and real world for my kids....those are sacred. I would never read a journal without an extremely serious reason.

So yeah, I'm against snooping. Unless I find out you've been lying to me, sneaking away, or doing something that could get you hurt. Then, it's *on*....and you will have no room to breathe until I am reasonably assured that you are reformed and won't keep dangerous things from me again.

I think it's much harder though, for parents with kids in large schools, whose kids have a TON of different friends, or for parents who have children with cell phones and FB pages and all of that. IMO, a journal is SOOOO much different than a FB page. I would never snoop a journal.....but I would have an EXTREMELY hard time not snooping a FB page.


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## cateerob (May 23, 2005)

This is the reason i have my kids passwords and monitor thier accounts..my 14 daughter will accept friend requests from anyone..i have expalined the risks of this numerous times but have still found her talking to 18 year old boys who she does not know and who are asking her out ...i dont think it is the same as listening at the door i know all my daughters friends who come to the house, even if i dont i can see that person in frount of me and know they are who they say they are...

Originally Posted by *Linda on the move* 



> On my kids' facebook accounts, they have set the privacy settings so that no one can see their page without them accepting the person as a friend. They are also both in a small, private facebook group which only people in the group can see/read. They both have private one-on-one chats with friends on facebook.
> 
> To feel that as their mother, none of that is private and I have a right/obligation to review all of it to me is the same thing as a parent routinely listen at the door with a teen is talking to a friend, or picking up the other phone to listen to conversations.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

My parents listened to phone calls, read my diary, went through my purse, went through my dresser and all through my room, and pretty much snooped all the time. Nothing was private in my house. And I still tell them pretty much nothing about my life. I lied all through my early 20s about everything I did, just so that I could have a life that they didnt know about. As a teenager, I kept my journal in my best friends glove box, my pot underneath the rock in front of the mailbox, and my condoms outside in a ziplock bag taped to the underside of the front porch.

If you dont give kids privacy, they will lie and do whatever it takes to have it. JMO, I dont have an older kid, so its just my experience.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"As a teenager, I kept my journal in my best friends glove box, my pot underneath the rock in front of the mailbox, and my condoms outside in a ziplock bag taped to the underside of the front porch."

While I don't want my kids to have to live that way, I am impressed by your ingenuity.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> My parents listened to phone calls, read my diary, went through my purse, went through my dresser and all through my room, and pretty much snooped all the time. Nothing was private in my house. And I still tell them pretty much nothing about my life. I lied all through my early 20s about everything I did, just so that I could have a life that they didnt know about. As a teenager, I kept my journal in my best friends glove box, my pot underneath the rock in front of the mailbox, and my condoms outside in a ziplock bag taped to the underside of the front porch.
> 
> If you dont give kids privacy, they will lie and do whatever it takes to have it. JMO, I dont have an older kid, so its just my experience.


I wonder how many teens are setting up second email and Facebook accounts to mislead their parents, who mistakenly think they have full access to their children's on-line lives.........


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

SIL had two facebook accounts for quite a while to keep MIL out of her business. On her "real" fb, which only people who were not friends with her mom she had pictures of herself partying and going to clubs and on her fb that her mom saw she had school updates. (freshman in college). Eventually she got rid of the party facebook, and just uploaded a bunch of pics onto the other account. And she was 20 before she was friends with her mom on her real facebook. Aside from SIL, I also have three teenage sisters who ALL lie to our parents (two different sets of parents might I add) to keep things private that my parents are always trying to find out about. Given, some of it they really NEEDED to know about (like my sister dating a guy 30 years older than her when she was 15 and her having a secret pay by the minute cell phone to keep him a secret). Most of it though, is just personal stuff. It sucks to have all of your interactions monitored. I dont want my parents reading my email, even now that I have nothing to hide.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> Most of it though, is just personal stuff. It sucks to have all of your interactions monitored. I dont want my parents reading my email, even now that I have nothing to hide.


I also think people fail to adjust for different degrees of sensitivity to that feeling of being monitored. Some people don't mind being an open book (although I can't imagine being that way myself). Some children are naturally more private than others. They will sense an intrusion even if none is intended (although, IMO, reading e-mails is pretty intrusive). There's a potential to create an unhappy cycle - the parent wants to ensure the child's safety and thinks they are just being vigilant, but the child senses an intrusion and retreats, thus the parent steps up the surveillance because the child is acting secretive.........


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## CherryBombMama (Jan 25, 2010)

if, IF, i ever did any of those things mentioned in the OP, i would hope i warn my boys way beforehand. like, "If i feel like you are in any kind of serious danger (drugs/gangs/etc) i will try to protect you by coming to you first. BUT, if you are repeatedly dishonest and sneaky with me, i might feel compelled to search your things. you have been warned." 

my mom did crazy things when i was in high school. she read EVERYTHING i wrote - dairies, stories, poems, note-to-self things.... like a pp, i rarely write because im paranoid that someone will find it before it is ready to be read. and i hate it because i am such a good writer!

my mom would send me to school then rummage through my room. i use to come home with drawers opened, notes and mementos from crushes/friends/whatever destroyed, articles of clothing missing, etc. once my bed was turned over.

i once had old looking converse and she forced me to wear newer converse. being 16, i snuck my old converse to school, kept the new ones in the locker and tried to wear my old ones until school would be over. naturally, she looked for the old ones in my room, drove to my school, took me out of class, made me THROW THEM AWAY in the school trash, put on my new ones, took me home, and i was grounded.

im seriously slightly traumatized by this, which is why im writing such a long reply. it just sucked cuz i didnt DO anything bad. the only major thing that was going on was that i was figuring out my sexuality (im married to my dh with 2 boys and 1 on the way NOW, but back then ... you know, i was just figuring things out.) THATS IT. no drugs. no drinking. definitely no sex lol. but it has taught me to be extra careful about giving my children privacy that children and teens need.

the internet, well i havent thought of that part yet. we will see how it goes ...


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ollyoxenfree*
> 
> I wonder how many teens are setting up second email and Facebook accounts to mislead their parents, who mistakenly think they have full access to their children's on-line lives.........


My DD friend has a real life facebook account and alter ego in Australia who is 18.

We like to think we have internet access, but for many of us our children's knowledge (particularly as they age ) outstrips ours. Teens also go on the internet everywhere - school, libraries - I don't think you can know it all.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Adaline'sMama*
> 
> It sucks to have all of your interactions monitored. I dont want my parents reading my email, even now that I have nothing to hide.


I agree with this. I'm very open with my DH about everything I do, but he felt the need to monitor what I write on Mothering, go through my voice mail, needed my passwords for my email, I'd divorce him. I just couldn't live like that.

There's no way I'll treat my teens in a manner that I couldn't tolerate myself.

I personally feel that nurturing a relationship based on trust and respect with my teens keeps them far safer than I could by attempting to monitor all their interactions. BUT it is based on trust, and my teens have earned that trust. When my younger DD first wanted a facebook account, we set it up so I got an email with all the activity on the account -- I saw every friend request. It gave us a chance to talk about things. We took off after about a year because there were no issues and it clogged up my email account!

I think that even if one isn't to a place of total trust with their kid and a specific form of technology, they can choose to work toward that point.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> I agree with this. I'm very open with my DH about everything I do, but he felt the need to monitor what I write on Mothering, go through my voice mail, needed my passwords for my email, I'd divorce him.


I feel like we have had this conversation before, but I see this as totally different than parents and privacy.
Obviously, if someone doesnt want their spouse to do this and they do anyway, then its wrong. Before DH and I married, we agreed not to have private accounts online. We both know all of the passwords to all of the accounts. We have always checked each others voicemail, for business reasons, but we log into each other's email accounts for various reasons, including little things like him forgetting to tell me plans with his mom and then her calling and saying "well, I sent DH and email." I can check his email, no problem. We both have nothing to hide.

We agreed to this after a good friend of ours being cheated on by another good friend of ours over a relationship that started with an old flame on facebook. We both decided in that moment to not try to preserve any online privacy within our relationship. I know not everyone does this, but if I really want something to be private, I call someone. Im old school like that. But, it all depends on what you and your spouse agree on. DH is free to look at all of my stuff on mothering, along with the rest of the world, but his common sense will tell him that if its posted in the "parents as partners" forum it really isnt his business.

To me, its so different because I CHOSE a relationship with DH, and as a child I didnt CHOOSE a relationship with my parents. They were forced upon me, and I had no say in the matter.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Alright, how bout this. My mom flew in to help us while DD2 was being born. She stayed home with DD1. She was only alone for 6 hours before DH came back to get them since we had left so early. However later she asked me all sorts of personal questions. She had the audacity to go through my room and closets. She opened drawers and boxes. I keep a box of mementos from before DH. He doesn't care about it. He's seen it and thinks it's kind of sweet to have those memories. My mother grilled me about it all. She also decided I didn't need all that jewelry those boys gave me and took it. I never told DH since he already thinks my mom is off. I didn't have the time to tell her how pissed I was. Though I got her back. I went to visit with the girls when they were 4 and 2 and while she was at work I went through her things and took all my jewelry back. As well as leaving her drawers open and closet doors open. When she got home she was mad. All I said was "feels crappy doesn't it?"

I didn't actually look at any of her stuff I just made it appear as though I did. I had to show her how horrible it is to invade other peoples privacy. She's the type that would look through someones medicine cabinet.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *FarmerBeth*
> 
> I give my kids privacy as much as possible. I can still remember (and I'm afraid that even now it's still with anger) my mother reading everything I had in my dresser drawers. I was a prolific writer, and I was upset not only about true things I had written in my journal being dug up, but also poetry and fiction that was not edited or ready for public consumption. The fiction reading may not have bothered some teens, but to me it was humiliating. She even read an experimental piece of poetry about bleeding and assumed I was picturing killing her, out of all things. I took nearly two years to write anything again, outside of school. The only vindication was that at least the piece I wrote was picked up by a small publishing company. I think that to this day I still prefer nonverbal expression just because it's less concretely capable of being interpreted.
> 
> ...


The note would bother me. If I find something like that left out and I do more than glance to see who it belongs to and find that my kid was being that cruel... I wouldn't apologize I'd be sick. Absolutely sick and very sad. Finding out my kid could be that cruel by not actively snooping sets up a responsibility on my part to talk to them about something like that. We don't like our kids to be treated like crap. Why would we turn out heads when they're doing it and someone start another thread!


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## FarmerBeth (Mar 9, 2011)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Imakcerka* 

The note would bother me. If I find something like that left out and I do more than glance to see who it belongs to and find that my kid was being that cruel... I wouldn't apologize I'd be sick. Absolutely sick and very sad. Finding out my kid could be that cruel by not actively snooping sets up a responsibility on my part to talk to them about something like that. We don't like our kids to be treated like crap. Why would we turn out heads when they're doing it and someone start another thread!



> Actually, I was sad, sick, angry and sorry at once. It was awkward because it was a retaliation situation with the other girl having socially bullied that week by forbidding a mutual friend to talk to DD. I had hoped my daughter wouldn't stoop to the same behavior, but there ended up being two bullies. I'm not saying I should have ignored the bullying behavior when I saw it, It's just that I wished she had had a chance to come out with it (she usually does when she behaves as she shouldn't). I did the right thing, I just would have felt better if It had happened differently.


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## Bekka (Nov 20, 2001)

We are pretty strict about social media. Our older children are 11 and 13. They are not allowed to be on FB until they are 16. They will friend me, we will read the websites they go to, etc. At this point we have a verbal discussion about where they go on the Internet: "Mom, can I go on DIsney.com to play games?" or "Mom, I need to research echidnas for my science class. Can I do a Google search?"

We consider online stuff to be public. They will be taught it is public. Internet and computer use is a privilege, not a right. We do not listen in on their phone conversations, we knock before we go in their rooms, we don't read their personal writings, we don't go through their drawers. Internet is something else. Our kids do not have phones and text. They will be allowed those privileges as they get older. We have an extra family phone they are allowed to use if they go somewhere without parents and want to be able to contact us.

My parents gave us lots of privacy, even in a family with 9 kids. BUT there was only 1 phone in the main area, and we shared rooms, etc. If we wanted to be alone, we were allowed to go for a walk out across the sagebrush. Not much there but jackalopes.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Bekka*
> 
> They are not allowed to be on FB until they are 16. They will friend me, we will read the websites they go to, etc.&nbsp.


Wow, at 16? You are going to monitor their private facebook interactions two years before they are able to move out of your house? Im not sure how old you are, but to most 16 year olds, facebook is like passing notes in class. Kids facebook back and forth all day long, basically chatting. The internet might not be private, but notes back and forth between friends shouldnt be read by parents, IMO. You arent going to get to choose who a 16 year old will and wont be friends with and what they will and wont say at 2 years anyway, so why start then?

IDK, to me that is exactly the type of privacy invasion that causes lying. Id just set up a different facebook account at my friends house and use a name that you wouldnt know, but tell my friends what it was. Then, everytime I was near a friend with a cell phone, Id check it or post, just like my SIL did for 4 years without ever being caught. Even me and DH knew and didnt say a word because we thought her mom was being totally ridiculous. The girl could drive, was picking out colleges, had a job and for the most part acted like a kid getting ready to go to college. I guess it all depends on how mature a kid is...


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

My kids get a lot of privacy UNLESS they are acting up somehow. I've only had to do this once per kid and I told them why I did it.

I don't do the FBoob. My teens both have accounts and my hubby checks on them but they don't use them much. Too much drama and hate for teens on the Fbook.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Being forbidden to do things doesn't always lead to kids doing those things behind their parents back. However it's good to try to figure out why sometimes we feel we need that much control over them.


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## EuroMama (Dec 10, 2010)

I wouldn't want my kids on FBoob. *giggles*

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> My kids get a lot of privacy UNLESS they are acting up somehow. I've only had to do this once per kid and I told them why I did it.
> 
> I don't do the FBoob. My teens both have accounts and my hubby checks on them but they don't use them much. Too much drama and hate for teens on the Fbook.


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## EuroMama (Dec 10, 2010)

I respect my DS's privacy. I knock on his door when its shut etc etc etc

!

He has no desire to be on FB, hasn't mentioned it, nor does he have an e-mail, he meets with his friends and hangs out with them and that is the only way he socializes. I personally don't want him to have an FB, not because I don't trust him, but I just feel that FB is a way for kids to become sucked into the computer and not socialize face to face, FB becomes their only way of socializing and that I don't want!

He sends written notes, old skool style to his friends. How do I know? He writes them here in the living room and tells me about it!

We are an open book, you can talk to us about anything and so we have no secrets!

I know that he would never keep anything from us, because from when he was tiny we have always had open communication!

He talks to us about everything, nothing is taboe!

So, I have no reason to go through his stuff, snoop around, listen to his phone calls!


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## skreader (Nov 19, 2008)

My kids are now 13 & 15

*Have you ever read their diary?*

- No, not unless asked. One time my DD showed me something in her diary.

*Listened in on a phone call?*
- Not intentionally, if the kids are speaking loudly in the living room, sometimes I can't help hearing it.

*
Asked their friends questions about them they wouldn't answer?*
- No.

*Would you follow them?*

Never say never, but up til now, only when we told them. For example, when DD started to go to secondary school on the public bus, DH took her there for the first week. Then, to make sure she knew the way, for another few days he told he would follow to make sure she was OK knew the route, etc.). He did it & that reassured her.

*Have you gone through their personal things, like a purse, back pack, wallet?*

My daughter, not since she was in primary school and I was looking for notes or things to sign from the school. My DS, I still sometimes look in his back-pack for things that he "forgets" - also last year, lunch box. This year he and his sister are both better about cleaning out their lunch box.

*Have you looked through their room?*

Yes, but usually with their knowledge, like when I'm looking for a book that DD borrowed from me and I tell her I'm looking for it. Or "Mama, I can't find my XYZ, help!!" and I start looking for the lost homework assignment, hockey socks, etc.

DS is more of a slob and from time to time I will go into his wardrobe to tidy things, but most of the time if I think his room needs to be sorted out, I have him go through stuff with me, and find out what things to keep or throw away.

*How much privacy do you give your kids and how often do you feel you invade their privacy?*

I think they have an adequate amount of privacy. They can talk to their friends when they want on the phone or via email. They have independence to come and go where they want by public transportation. On school nights I expect them home in time for supper (~ 7pm). If they go over to spend the night w/ a friend, I do insist that I speak to the parent-in-charge about it & if my kids want a friend to sleep over, I call the other parents to make sure they know the plan and double-check on what time they expect their child back.

They have never really complained about it.


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## jenrose (Apr 25, 2004)

My teenager: I sometimes read her public deviantart account, but she knows this. I'm also on facebook with her. We have an email address that we both get, and she has other email addresses that are private and I don't snoop those. (the shared address is useful and she uses it for purchases and stuff that she wants me to see).

The only time I've insisted on being in her space when she didn't want me there was when she was actively lying to me about schoolwork and there was a major issue about it. It happened exactly once, where she was hiding out in her room and I insisted that she let me in, and had to threaten to take the door off the hinges if she didn't. Aside from that one, very notable incident, she's earned my trust, and I stay out of her "stuff" unless something pressing warrants it. And now, at age 18, as long as she doesn't start bringing illegal drugs home (which she wouldn't, but it's the one thing I'd likely violate her privacy for), she's an adult and it's her business and as long as she is legally competent to manage her own affairs, I'm going to let her do so. (And by competent, I mean that if she had a mental breakdown where she was nonfunctional, that's another story, otherwise she gets to make her mistakes like any other 18 year old.)

We established very early that trust is earned, and 99% of her childhood since age 4 1/2, she's worked very hard to earn and keep that trust, and in exchange, she earned a lot of freedom from a young age.

And it really depends on the kid. My other daughter will likely never be competent to manage her own affairs, and will have much less privacy, because a) it woudlnt' be appropriate given her level of disability and b) she is not capable of earning the trust and responsibility at this point, and may never be. She also doesn't care about privacy. At all. (At age six, she'll still strip spontaneously in public.)


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"You are going to monitor their private facebook interactions two years before they are able to move out of your house?"

There is NO SUCH THING as a "private Facebook interaction." It's a digital communication linked directly to your IRL identity that can be easily forwarded to a large group of your friends and family (a list of whom are conveniently provided by the application!).

While I don't intend to snoop my kids' Facebook for jollies, I'm certainly going to keystroke-log it so if something goes wrong, I can retrace their public communications as part of figuring out what the problem is and how to address it.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smithie*
> 
> "You are going to monitor their private facebook interactions two years before they are able to move out of your house?"
> 
> ...


If my son sends a private message via facebook to a friend, that is a "private FB interaction" isnt it? If the only way i can access it is to log in under his acct info?


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I think it's actually pretty normal for kids to hide things. Even if your relationship with them is good and what they're hiding isn't even bad. It's the feeling of protecting what is all theirs and their need to have something they don't have to share. DD1 finally told me about her crush at school. However I was told I can't tell DH or DD2. Apparently she needs to know I'm not going to tell anyone her secret and I won't. But that doesn't mean she'll always tell me everything and keep me in the loop. She will hide things from me and I will be ok with that as long as she's healthy safe and happy.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smithie*
> 
> There is NO SUCH THING as a "private Facebook interaction." It's a digital communication linked directly to your IRL identity that can be easily forwarded to a large group of your friends and family (a list of whom are conveniently provided by the application!).


using that logic, all hand written notes can be passed around, too. It's the same thing.

I don't see a difference between reading a note one of my kids wrote a friend and reading their Facebook chats. It's all the same.

I think part of the reason I may feel differently about this issue *might* be because my kids are older. When they were little, it was hard to imagine them being mature and needing privacy and deserving the same respect I expect the family to treat me with.

But they are teens --- good, responsible, trust worthy teens. One of whom is learning to drive and about to start an internship on a research project at a university. I really don't need to monitor her chatting with her friends about what movie they want to see next -- even when they have those chats in digital formats.


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## Adaline'sMama (Apr 16, 2010)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smithie*
> 
> "You are going to monitor their private facebook interactions two years before they are able to move out of your house?"
> 
> ...


Back when kids mainly communicated through handwritten notes, parents would have seemed like monsters if they had but carbon paper behind every piece of paper their kid wrote on. Somehow, because its digital, its ok?


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

It's really all about control. Well if you feel you need to look through everything. And some people have different levels of trust. I've known people who feel they can't trust their kid whatsoever because were told to do something like unload the dishwasher and forgot to do it. Now they can't trust them. Seems a little over the top to me... but hey that's how they feel about it.


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## Smithie (Dec 4, 2003)

"Somehow, because its digital, its ok?"

Because it's digital, it's eternal and the information can easily go viral - and thus, it's a terrible medium for information that you would be deeply reluctant to share with your peer group. I send Facebook "private messages" to people, hoping and assuming that if I say something catty, they won't forward the note on to the 3rd party we're discussing - but I have to accept that it happen - and given the impulse-control issues and shifting loyalties of adolescents and how much they've come to rely on digital communication, it's more likely to happen in that cohort.

We've kind of shifted topic here, though. I don't intend to read my kids' digital "notes" in attempt to force them to be discreet. I don't intend to read them at all, unless my mom-dar is telling me that something's seriously wrong. But I certainly DO intend to communicate a lot, with examples, about the utter idiocy of texting, emailing or messaging some sentiment (or some picture!!!) that one is not prepared to defend to one's entire school.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smithie*
> But I certainly DO intend to communicate a lot, with examples, about the utter idiocy of texting, emailing or messaging some sentiment (or some picture!!!) that one is not prepared to defend to one's entire school.


but the exact same thing is true of a hand written note. My DH's motto is "never put anything in writing you wouldn't want presented to you in court."

We've also taught the kids to be carefully about what they say in an area that isn't totally private. I volunteer at the school library, and kids go behind a book shelf and think its sound proof. These issues are not limited to digital communication.

But, I don't allow the possible of a particular type of communication going viral to change the way I treat my children. I think reading a child's texts is exactly the same morally as listening on the other phone line. Doing it habitually is the same as having a recorder put on your phone line so you can go through all their conversations.


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## Tonia Starr (May 14, 2011)

My own mom was horrid about invading my privacy. I would wake at night to her sitting on my floor reading my diary or poetry! I lived for two yrs with family members as a teen an they taught me ALOT about respect. When they had a hunch their son was smoking, they waited til he got home from school, sat himdown and explained their worries and told him they were going to search his room. They wanted him there so he could see they were ONLY looking for cigarettes and would not be reading his personal stuff, etc.... I really think that was very respectful. I try to keep open honest communication with my kids, which I think is the first step.


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## EuroMama (Dec 10, 2010)

I remember in highschool how my handwritten note to my friend about a boy I liked got passed around the entire classroom to humiliate me!

In my highschool people were actually writing on bathroom walls with markers, writing horrible messages about eachother.

Things are not that much different nowdays, only now they use social media! Same thing!


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EuroMama*
> 
> I remember in highschool how my handwritten note to my friend about a boy I liked got passed around the entire classroom to humiliate me!


yeah, I remember being at a church camp as a teen and a very personal note that a girl had written her boyfriend was read aloud by an ADULT during a session as her "punishment" for writing notes when she wasn't supposed to be.


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## EuroMama (Dec 10, 2010)

Oh how horrible! 

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> yeah, I remember being at a church camp as a teen and a very personal note that a girl had written her boyfriend was read aloud by an ADULT during a session as her "punishment" for writing notes when she wasn't supposed to be.


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## Adia (Oct 13, 2011)

No to all. Very disrespectful and not exactly trust building. I'd rather they just trust me and talk to me, and being the kind of person who'd go through personal things and behind their back doesn't exactly lend itself to that.

The obvious exceptions would be if I had a good reason to fear that they were an imminent danger to themselves or to others, or that someone was a danger to them, like in an abusive relationship. But that's why I'm focused on building trust, so that those situations don't get to that to begin with, so that they would come to me when they had a problem of any kind rather than hide it.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

I think most people who had parents that showed little trust feel the same way as Adia. DD1 wrote a letter to my mom the other day and asked if I wanted to read it. I told her that I didn't need to read it but she could read some of it to me if she liked. I'm trying to give her more privacy and hoping that she will start to give me some as well. I don't want us running around with massive secrets but I certainly don't want her to think she ever has to worry about my prying eyes.


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## Adia (Oct 13, 2011)

I think that's the case for most people. It was more complex for me. My mother had no respect for my privacy or for me. She'd read my diary, ridicule me when I told her my feelings, tell my secrets to my friends or try to get things I'd told friends in confidence out of them, et cetera. My dad is a totally different story. He and I had a great relationship. Trust, mutual respect, openness, no condescention. He treated me like he'd treat anyone else, wouldn't do anything to me that he wouldn't do to anyone else, and though he always left 'girl matters' up to my grandma, he did basically everything else. As I grew into a teenager and the interwebs became a big thing, he let me do my thing and I never felt the need to hide it from him, or if I did, I could tell him, "hey, please don't read that email, it's kind of sensitive", and he'd respect that.

I had both models in my formative years and I can say with absolute certainty that my dad's approach inspired confidence, trust, and made me feel like I could tell him anything without being judged, and I went to him about touchy subjects, which saved me a massive amount of trouble and potential danger. I can also say that my mother's approach is a good part of why she has little relationship with me and why I wouldn't trust her with the most ordinary of personal problems or any scrap of information in confidence. Now that I have children she wants a relationship with me and them, but the trust issue is still a major thing.

My basis of how I treat my children is my dad. My mother, I can also thank, because she taught me exactly what to do if I want my children to hide things from me, lie to me, take chances on things they're unsure about rather than ask for guidance, shut me out of their emotional life, and refuse help when they need it.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Imakcerka*
> 
> *I think most people who had parents that showed little trust feel the same way as Adia.* DD1 wrote a letter to my mom the other day and asked if I wanted to read it. I told her that I didn't need to read it but she could read some of it to me if she liked. I'm trying to give her more privacy and hoping that she will start to give me some as well. I don't want us running around with massive secrets but I certainly don't want her to think she ever has to worry about my prying eyes.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I haven't read the whole thread, yet.

DS1 doesn't, to the best of my knowledge, have a diary. I wouldn't read it if he did. The only situation in which I can imagine reading a diary is if he simply disappeared, and I had no idea what was going on.

When he got his cellphone, we were paying for the plan. Canadian cellphone plans suck (I hear this from everybody, although I have no basis for comparison) and he had a very rigid limit on texts (he was 15), because we weren't going to pay for them. But, I've never read his texts, unless one is sitting on the screen, and I happen to sit down next to the phone (think it's happened twice in three years - both were utterly innocuous..."what's up, bro?" type stuff).

I don't go through his room and never have. Since he turned 12 (when we moved in here), the only time I've ever gone in his room without checking is if I needed to dump his clean laundry in there (he has a bad habit of leaving it in the dryer), had to let in a service person (only once) or he left it unlocked and I had to go get one of his siblings. I do have a key, though.

Up until he was about 10 or 11, I went through his backpack sometimes, but only to look for leftover lunch that he'd forgotten about, and/or notices or invitations from school He was kind of airheaded.

When he got an email account, I had his password. But, he opened a new one about a year ago, and I don't have the password, nor am I on his Facebook friends list. He's 18, and is only still at home, because he can't afford to go to school and pay for a place. I have no need to pry into his life.

I'd probably be somewhat less rigid if I had any reason to be concerned about his behaviour, but I don't. He's always maintained a good standard of behaviour, has never even flirted with drugs and had one drink (not even a whole one) at a party once. He has a really solid group of friends, and chooses to hang around with people who are good for him, not those who aren't. And, he was born with more self-confidence than I've ever had, and is more than capable of ignoring negative people in his life. So...why would I poke around, yk?

We'll see how things play out with my other kids. I can see a possibility that I may end up prying a bit with ds2, as he has some behavioural issues that are a potential concern, and probably also has some kind of special needs. I don't know what the picture's going to look like when he's older, yk?


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## caetlinh (Oct 11, 2011)

Beware of snooping on your teens, whether you tell them or not doesn't change what you're doing. My parents were the ultimate snoopers and it backfired, BIG TIME! Unless you think there's something horribly wrong, I would never do it. Otherwise, how do you teach respect and trust?


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

AH... but their lives are so interesting! Don't worry I'm not a snooper.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *caetlinh*
> 
> Beware of snooping on your teens, whether you tell them or not doesn't change what you're doing. My parents were the ultimate snoopers and it backfired, BIG TIME! Unless you think there's something horribly wrong, I would never do it. Otherwise, how do you teach respect and trust?


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