# Advice on 17 Year Old Daughter



## amyelizabeth (Jun 22, 2009)

My daughter is seventeen years old, and she wants to go on a weekend trip to Texas with her boyfriend and his family to meet her boyfriends dad. They have been dating for two years, and she hasn't yet met the dad, who lives in Texas.
The dad has invited her on this trip, and they will have separate rooms and my daughter has a cell phone I can call her on at any time. She makes good grades and will be a senior next year. She would be driving down there with her boyfriend's sister who is in her late twenties and has a son of her own. What would you do about letting her or not letting her go in a situation like this?
Would love any advice or comments.


----------



## Kagrish (Jun 8, 2009)

I only have a 9 month old, but if it were my mom, she would not let me go. My parents trust me a lot, but being 17, they would not let me go on a trip with my boyfriend.

Even with the most trusted daughter, there is still all that temptation and hormones raging, and yes, even the 'good girls' can get in trouble (and I'm not saying she will, just my own experience)


----------



## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

If I understand the arrangements correctly, I wouldn't want my 17 y.o. staying in a hotel room by herself. Too many creepy icky things can happen and I would be terribly concerned about her safety.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

At 17 I'm pretty sure my daughter would be mature enough to go on a trip with her boyfriend and his family. I don't really see very many places to be concerned. It's not going to be a "just the two of them" trip.


----------



## amyelizabeth (Jun 22, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
If I understand the arrangements correctly, I wouldn't want my 17 y.o. staying in a hotel room by herself. Too many creepy icky things can happen and I would be terribly concerned about her safety.

Actually, she would be staying at her boyfriends dads house. Just in a room by herself, or with the boyfriends sister and young son.


----------



## Sailor (Jun 13, 2006)

Ah, I remember being 17. To be honest, if I wanted to have sex or do other "bad" things ... I could have found the time anywhere. As it is, I was pretty mature for my age, and refused to risk pregnancy and so I avoided all sexual activity. But, had I wanted to do anything - I'd have found a way. Trip or not.

Of course, I was raised VERY liberally. I had total freedom, and no rules. No curfew, and if I wanted drugs or alcohol, my family took me to Amsterdam.









I turned out OK - I don't drink, don't do drugs, and was a virgin until my 20's who had her partner tested for STDs before engaging in sexual activity.

I guess this depends on your daughter. You know her best. Is she mature enough for such a trip? If yes - then, I'd let her go.

I was 17 when I took my senior trip to Florida with 3 girlfriends. We drove there, and spent the night in a motel for 5 days. It was fun, and we mainly sat around on the beach, and ignored the guys (we were kind of nerdy for high schoolers).


----------



## limette (Feb 25, 2008)

My kids are young but when I was 17 (11 years ago) I was a good kid, never dated or got into trouble. I met my first (and last) bf who moved in with us within a week. We were engaged 6 months later.

I say let her go. I doubt anything is going to happen that hasn't already happened in the two years they've dated. But who knows how I'll feel about it when my daughters are that age.


----------



## alexsam (May 10, 2005)

It really depends on your daughter and your gut. There are 17 year olds who have graduated from high school and are living on their own. There are some in college. Others even have children of their own, are married or have other significant responsibilities. If your daughter was a few months older (18 yrs old) and either officially an adult or out of the house there wouldn't be much a parent could say anyway. Since you are asking, I'm assuming that she's not quite there yet. But I say because some kids are.

Your time as being able to make these decisions is growing short. What you need to decide is if she still needs you to make these decisions or is she ready to take small doses of the world (it sounds like there will be trusted adults around) and be able to call you if she needs you. The goal at this stage isn't to tell them everything they can and can't do and protect them from every danger by not allowing them near it. It is to trust your previous parenting and teach them how to make good decisions and mentor them into adulthood and to call you if they need help. Is she ready for that?


----------



## bandgeek (Sep 12, 2006)

I would feel comfortable with that. She's almost an adult anyway and there will be responsible adults there. I think it makes people anxious having teens sleep in the same house, but quite frankly, they will have sex if they want to...they don't need to be in the same house overnight to do it, kwim? If they ARE sexually active (or even just thinking about it), I can almost guarantee they won't be having sex on that trip...too many adults around and they'd worry about getting caught.







I remember when I was a teen, my parents were very lenient and my boyfriend was allowed to spend the night and we'd been on trips together. We were sexually active, but NOT when other people were in the house. So when he'd spend the night....no sex. After school when the parents were at work and no one else was home was when we did it. Kind of funny isn't it?


----------



## ladyelms (Jun 10, 2005)

i have a 17 year old son, and i'd let him go under those conditions. if you have specific concerns, discuss them w/ her so she's aware of what they are. kids approaching adulthood need to be given growth-filled opportunities to prove their capabilities and trustworthiness, to you and to themselves.


----------



## bezark (Mar 17, 2009)

I only have a very little one, but I think I would be comfortable with that situation.
As others have said, if they want to have sex, they're going to find a time and place no matter what.
My parents were _completely_ over-protective, and I still managed to lose my virginity at 14.


----------



## ashleedio (Jan 8, 2008)

I'd let her go, if it were my daughter (though my daughter is only 1). Since his older sister is going with her child, I wouldn't worry about reckless driving in the car (which would be one of my main concerns). Sex wouldn't even be on my radar, because having been dating for two years, if they wanted to have sex (or do, I don't know the situation), I'm sure they'd have found a place to do it by now, kwim? Since they're staying with his father and will have separate rooms, I'd have no problem with it - it's not like a guy she just started dating. But, you know your daughter and if you feel it's something that isn't a good idea for her, then trust your mom gut.


----------



## Altair (May 1, 2005)

I was living in NYC on my own going to college by 17, with a whole lot more freedoms than that. I wouldn't hesitate to allow it.


----------



## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

Another vote for letting her go. If she wanted to do anything 'bad' - have sex, smoke pot, drink alcohol, etc, she'd have done it by now. If you don't believe that, your kidding yourself. I remember being 17 quite clearly still, and there wasn't much that I *couldn't* do, if I wanted to. Couldn't buy beer or cigarettes (I'm 25 now and can count on one hand the number of times I've bought beer in my life *without* getting carded...), but that didn't mean I couldnt drink/smoke if I wanted to. Thats what older friends are for (or friends who just so happen to *look* older







.


----------



## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

I'd let her go if I assumed she was mature enough. I think the separate bedrooms is a moot point. DH and I were required to sleep in separate rooms at his parents' house until we were married (at age 25), but it certainly didn't stop one or the other of us from going into the other's room for sex. Honestly as another poster said, the traveling would be a big concern, not the possibility of sex. If you feel the older sister is responsible, then that's not a problem. I'd also have some concerns about the house where she's going. You don't know these people, and I'd have to talk with them and feel comfortable with them first. Blended family issues can get heated, and I wouldn't want to send my daughter into a firestorm.


----------



## Green Eyes (Apr 10, 2009)

Let her go and tell her that you trust she will make wise decisions and to have a fun trip! Seventeen is definitely old enough to trust her on this (in a year she could marry her boyfriend and wouldn't need permission). Trust in her, it will be good for her.


----------



## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

I would say no, and my answer has absolutely nothing to do with sex. (Honestly, I'd assume they have already had sex by now.)

I just wouldn't see any need for such a trip. I don't think high school relationships should be taken so seriously that road trips to meet each other's parents need to be involved.

And if she hasn't met the dad, neither have you, right? I'd want to know someone myself before letting my minor child spend the night in his home.

If the father is so determined to meet your daughter, he can come to wherever you are.


----------



## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

I guess I don't see why you wouldn't let her go. What are your specific concerns?


----------



## Amandamanda (Sep 29, 2007)

sorry if this has been asked, but how old is the bf?


----------



## Inci (Apr 22, 2005)

I'm with churndash -
My concerns would be more about this unknown man (bf's father) than your dd being "alone" (not really) on a trip with her bf.

What does your gut tell you about this trip? What's your daughter like, what's her bf like, and what's their relationship like?
What do you know about her bf's father - have you talked with him?


----------



## Mama2Bug (Feb 18, 2005)

When I was seventeen, I had graduated high school, lived several hours away from my parents in my own rented home and was attending college. I'd had the same (three years older, not that it mattered) boyfriend for two years, was responsibly sexually active and held down a part time job.

I know this won't sit well with some, but the idea of giving or denying "permission" to someone who, in a few months, you'll have NO authority over whatsoever...well, it seems kind of silly to me.

If she's been a responsible person thus far, she'll continue to be a responsible person on the trip.


----------



## liliaceae (May 31, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama2Bug* 
I know this won't sit well with some, but the idea of giving or denying "permission" to someone who, in a few months, you'll have NO authority over whatsoever...well, it seems kind of silly to me.

If she's been a responsible person thus far, she'll continue to be a responsible person on the trip.

I agree.


----------



## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amyelizabeth* 
Actually, she would be staying at her boyfriends dads house. Just in a room by herself, or with the boyfriends sister and young son.

Gotcha. I was unclear on that.


----------



## amyelizabeth (Jun 22, 2009)

The boyfriend is eighteen years old.


----------



## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

If I trusted my DD and I trusted her boyfriend, I would feel comfortable letting her go. Honestly, it wasn't _that_ long ago that I was 17, and even though my mom was not near as open as many of my friends' parents, I couldn't see her saying no to me in a similar situation. I mean, 17 is less than a year away from being a legal adult. I get that the concern is more so the unknowns of the trip, mainly the boyfriends father and being in another state... but, to me, 17 is grown up enough to make those decisions and unless she herself felt uncomfortable with the idea of going, I wouldn't think twice about 'letting' her go.


----------



## averlee (Apr 10, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Altair* 
I was living in NYC on my own going to college by 17, with a whole lot more freedoms than that. I wouldn't hesitate to allow it.

Like some previous posters, I was in college at 17.


----------



## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

As long as you don't have reason to think that the dad is an untrustworthy guy, or she has shown herself to be very untrustworthy, I would let her go. I think it's a big mistake to try and control older teens like they are kids, as they end up not knowing how to manage themselves when they leave home in a year or two.

If the teens want to have sex, they will manage it whether they are in Texas or at home, so that's not an issue for me.

You might talk to your daughter about whether she is comfortable staying in a place with a strange man, ask her if she worries about it. And maybe tell her what to do if she finds herself in an uncomfortable situation, of any kind.

If you are really concerned about the dad, would it be possible to talk to the boyfriend's mom? It might be out of line, depending on the situation, but i might be helpful.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *churndash* 
I would say no, and my answer has absolutely nothing to do with sex. (Honestly, I'd assume they have already had sex by now.)

*I just wouldn't see any need for such a trip. I don't think high school relationships should be taken so seriously that road trips to meet each other's parents need to be involved.*

And if she hasn't met the dad, neither have you, right? I'd want to know someone myself before letting my minor child spend the night in his home.

If the father is so determined to meet your daughter, he can come to wherever you are.

On the bolded...

How do you know this isn't a serious relationship? The one in question has been going on for two years. I think it's probably as good a time as any to meet the parents.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *averlee* 
Like some previous posters, I was in college at 17.

I was living with DH and DD at 17.


----------



## KMK_Mama (Jan 29, 2006)

I would let her go.


----------



## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
On the bolded...

How do you know this isn't a serious relationship? The one in question has been going on for two years. I think it's probably as good a time as any to meet the parents.

I'm saying that I personally wouldn't treat a teenage relationship so seriously. I think the teen years are for meeting lots of new people and having fun and finding out who you are, not getting tied down in a serious relationship.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who met their true love at age 10 and never looked at anyone else and stayed happily married for decades and that's great! There are also people who gave up their college plans to settle down with a high school boyfriend and ended up miserable after a few years.

My personal preference for my teenage daughter is that she not settle down so quickly. So I'd discourage things like traveling out of state to meet her high school boyfriend's parent.


----------



## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *churndash* 
I just wouldn't see any need for such a trip. I don't think high school relationships should be taken so seriously that road trips to meet each other's parents need to be involved.

I have to agree with MusicianDad here.

All of the guys I dated in high school knew my parents, and I knew theirs, as a matter of course. Yeah, okay, their folks were local, but I think it's ridiculous to assume that a meeting with parents is so *unimportant* (to the parents, the SO, and the girlfriend) that a 17 year-old shouldn't be allowed a weekend out of town under the supervision of responsible adults so that it can be accomplished.

TO the OP - I'd check in with the older sister in person, and the dad by phone, about the details of the trip, and if nothing tripped my alarms, I'd let her go.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *churndash* 
I'm saying that I personally wouldn't treat a teenage relationship so seriously. I think the teen years are for meeting lots of new people and having fun and finding out who you are, not getting tied down in a serious relationship.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who met their true love at age 10 and never looked at anyone else and stayed happily married for decades and that's great! There are also people who gave up their college plans to settle down with a high school boyfriend and ended up miserable after a few years.

My personal preference for my teenage daughter is that she not settle down so quickly. So I'd discourage things like traveling out of state to meet her high school boyfriend's parent.

But, you also can't control life. It happens, and sometimes your 15 years old and coming to realize that the guy your dating is probably going to be the only person you will ever want to be with.

Also, meeting someone dad in another state doesn't mean they are getting married next year either. It just means meeting the bf's dad. It's no real indication of how serious a relationship is, only that it's not a casual friends with benifits relationship.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Based on the information you've shared so far in this thread, I'd let her go.

They've been dating for two years: if they want to be sexually active, they'll do so, whether they go on this trip or not. They may even have LESS opportunity for sex on this trip than they would at home, since there will be more of his relatives around.

It sounds like they'll be "chaperoned" at all stages of the trip: his adult sister in the car, and his dad (and also his adult sister and nephew?) at the house.

It sounds like you trust this boy and his family, since you've known them for several years. I'm sure she would have met his dad long before now, if the dad lived closer. I don't see how this is "a big deal" because they want to meet. Maybe it's a serious relationship, maybe it's not.


----------



## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
But, you also can't control life. It happens, and sometimes your 15 years old and coming to realize that the guy your dating is probably going to be the only person you will ever want to be with.

Also, meeting someone dad in another state doesn't mean they are getting married next year either. It just means meeting the bf's dad. It's no real indication of how serious a relationship is, only that it's not a casual friends with benifits relationship.

The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. I'm in the minority here, obviously, but I'm still entitled to my opinion.

I have a 15 yo, she dates, and none of her relationships are serious. In fact, she has tickets for a concert in several months time and hasn't asked anyone to go with her yet because she doesn't want to commit to anyone that far ahead. Personally, I think that's a perfectly healthy attitude to have at 15.


----------



## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

But at 17, it very well could be a serious life-long relationship. You just never know. Meeting the boyfriend's dad on an out of state trip is not necessarily going to make much of a difference so I don't get that view. And fwiw, DH and I have been together since 17/18 and are happy and doing well 12 years later, thank you very much







Even if he wasn't "the one" I can't see my mom stopping me, as a senior in highschool, from going on a trip with him. At 15, sure. But less than a yr away from turning 18, no.


----------



## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *churndash* 
The OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. I'm in the minority here, obviously, but I'm still entitled to my opinion.

I have a 15 yo, she dates, and none of her relationships are serious. In fact, she has tickets for a concert in several months time and hasn't asked anyone to go with her yet because she doesn't want to commit to anyone that far ahead. Personally, I think that's a perfectly healthy attitude to have at 15.

I'm just trying to point out that it is just as healthy for a 15 year old to be serious enough about someone to be willing to commit that far ahead. That's all.


----------



## mysticmomma (Feb 8, 2005)

SHe sounds responsible enough. I say let her go.


----------



## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

How is she feeling about it? Does she really want to go? Is she possibly looking for a way out?


----------



## amynbebes (Aug 28, 2008)

I think that I'd be okay with it. I graduated at 17 and went on a basically unsupervised senior trip to Cancun and survived. I think it all depends on maturity level.


----------



## Oriole (May 4, 2007)

It would depend on the child and the parents that will be there.

Sex with bf would not be my concern in this case, they've been dating for 2 years, so I would assume certain things by now. Sounds like a stable relationship to me.









I would only be worried about her safety and tendency to get into trouble. Do you trust the adults involved? Do you trust her bf?

I think 2 year old relationship should definitely involve parents, regardless of wether we are speaking teenagers or older "kids". Mum and dad want to know!









As far as seriousness goes - I was 17 when I met DP, and that was 12 years ago. My college roommate started "dating" her now husband and the father of their beautiful baby girl when she was 15 and he was 16. They met in a chat room, and dated long distance through high school (she was in California, and he is from Mass). Their parents have been involved and supportive through the whole thing. It would have been a shame if they pulled out some rule book, instead of going by knowing their children.

Anyway... trust your gut, whatever it tells ya!


----------



## chiromamma (Feb 24, 2003)

I'd let my daughter go at 17.
2 year relationship, significant family involvement, she has her head on straight. Sure.
Just read some other posts...just because we may have experience that those intense 17yo relationships don't last, doesn't mean they're not important. I think it is unwise to have the attitude that just because one is young, the relationship doesn't warrant meeting family.
Serious or frivolous, the more family is included, the better.
I had tons of "this is the one" relationships.
My folks were so gracious in welcoming every young man to our dinner table and, (when I was in college) their guest bedroom.
God, there were some great ones and some major losers. But my parents took my feelings seriously.


----------



## Louise 1959 (Jun 24, 2009)

I would let her go. Obviously she is a responsible girl, and as kids grow up I think it's important to show them you trust them and allow them to gradually make the transition to adulthood. Good luck on whatever you decide. Louise


----------



## Labbemama (May 23, 2008)

I went on a similiar trip at 13. Chaperoned by bf's mom and grandparents. I think my mom was incredibly lax in her judgment there allowing me to be so serious about a boy at 13 BUT...the hotel thing was awkward we all shared a room. The hotel arrangements in your situation seem appropriate. We certainly could have had sex but didn't. IT was all too serious

But since your dd is 17 this is more about her is she comfortable with the arrangements? IS she in general trustworthy and self-sufficient for a few days at a time? Do you trust the older sister? Can you get her home in an emergency? I am uncomfortable with my kids sleeping at homes of ppl I have not known for a long time.


----------



## 2goingon2 (Feb 8, 2007)

Another vote for letting her go.


----------



## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Based on what you've said, I say let her go









FWIW I think you sound like an awesome mama


----------



## aterita (Jun 1, 2009)

What ever the arrangements have been told to you, but If I am at your position, even I would be very concerend about the safety of my daughter. I know yours feelings would be some what similar like I said. But you know what is best for your daughter, afterall decision is yours..


----------



## onelilguysmommy (May 11, 2005)

Id probably have a hard time but at 17 she might as well be grown to me.
My worry would be the trip over where she is going. Have you ever spoken to him or know much about him?
If yes and he seems ok, that would help me personally.

At 17 there isn't much "let" unless you live like the Duggars, kwim?


----------



## txdancer (Jan 26, 2008)

I would let her go. I traveled with friends to music festivals and the beach at that age and even younger and they are wonderful memories. One thing I would do that would probably help calm your mind is give her emergency money in case she needs to get out fast. One easy way to do this is to make an authorized user on one of your credit cards and send it with her. Obviously she would not be allowed to charge anything unless it was an emergency, and you could lock the card up when she got back.


----------



## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

let her go. the whole situation sounds pretty up and up to me.


----------



## churndash (Mar 25, 2009)

I sure wish we could get an update from the OP. The trip must have taken place by now.


----------

