# dad sleeps naked, what to do? not sure where to post, explicit language



## princessjasmine

I have a kind of a weird situation. My husband sleeps naked and always has. We've been cosleeping ever since my daughter was born, she's 18 mos. now. She always cuddled with me at night until our son was born just three months ago. Now she comes over to me to nurse at night, then crawls back over to Dad and cuddles with him. A few weeks ago I told my husband I didn't feel comfortable with him sleeping naked with our daughter. Not because of anything inappropriate, but because I didn't want her to have confused emotions about her relationship with her dad, or for her to be told later in life that sleeping with her naked dad was inappropriate. He disagreed with me and we pretty much dropped it. Often when my husband and I are cuddling and we haven't been intimate for a while, he will "poke" me and he has told me this is completely reflexive and he doesn't do it on purpose. Last night when he was cuddling our daughter, I saw his penis moving under the blanket in that manner. He was completely asleep, I watched him and listened to his breathing and I am 100% sure that he was dead asleep. Well, I felt sick to my stomach seeing this even though they were both asleep and unaware of it. Then he rolled over and my daughter's leg was actually touching his penis. At this point I got up and verified that this was what I saw and then picked my daughter up and had her cuddle with me on the opposite side from my son. I just felt really uncomfortable about the entire situation. I felt nauseous and had a really hard time falling back to sleep. This morning I told my husband what I saw and that I didn't want him cuddling our daughter while naked anymore. I told him he needed to wear underwear and pajama pants at least. I think he understood why I felt that it was inappropriate, even though I made it clear that I was not accusing him of anything and I know that he was asleep at the time. He still said he would not wear clothing to bed. He said I should make our daughter wear clothing rather than him (she was not naked, she was wearing a top and a diaper, but no pants. and i will be putting pants on her from now on). I told him that wasn't enough and that there needed to be more of a barrier between them. He said "oh give it up" or something like that, I think he was just really offended that I had said that. My husband is a very good man and I don't think he did anything wrong so I want to make that clear. But I am concerned that he isn't more concerned and more willing to make this situation ok for all of us. I said if he wouldn't wear clothes to bed, then I couldn't let my daughter cuddle with him at night. He said that was fine, he'd cuddle our son instead. I just feel really upset still. I am not sure if I overreacted or not. I am not saying he abused her at all, I just don't want her to be exposed to anything sexual or even that might be sexual at such a young age and have lingering issues over it, esp. not from her dad. They have a very good relationship. I don't want to come between them, and I also don't want to feel like I can't trust my husband, but I definitely am feeling a bit distant from him at the moment. I am wondering if I should just take both children and sleep in another bed. But I also don't want unnecessary friction in our relationship. I am just really confused and I need some advice and support. Anyone?


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## mamabutterfly

I'm sorry, this sounds like an awkward dynamic, mama. My reaction was the same as yours. He should wear something in bed! I don't even think it is ambiguous. Is he claiming he could never possibly sleep with boxer shorts on ever?
I think the family bed includes clothes, that's not asking anything unreasonable. Sometimes she will end up alongside him, and soon she will be old enough to form memories, and for that matter your son will too. Like you said, there's nothing inappropriate going on but there is an issue here about how they look back on or talk about the co-sleeping experience. My 7 year old dd shares the bed with her Dad often, he wears pajama pants, no big deal.

Maybe you guys could agree to take this question to a neutral 3rd party. Who's opinion might he trust? Maybe a co-sleeping/fam bed book or article that addresses this? Take it out of the you-against-him dynamic, get an "expert" opinion.


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## jeliphish

My reaction is the same as yours..I don't have any advice though. I DO think he should be more respectful of your wishes though.


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## Catubodua

i wanted to point out - lots of men get erections while sleeping. it's perfectly normal and has nothing to do with who they are sleeping next to or whether or not they have underwear on.


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## Twinklefeet

just my two cents, but your DH should definitely put some undies or some pajama pants on. It is sort of crossing a line to be snuggling nude with your daughter, and not that he is doing anything rotten, but god forbid anyone outside your family finds out they could make a big deal about it.


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## HotJabanero

While I totally agree it is normal for a guy to erect during sleep and even when pressure is there in a non sexual manner I would feel he should be willing to compromise for the duration of the cosleeping. It really is not that much to ask.


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## kriket

I understand where you would be 'weirded out' But your LO is a child, and this isn't sexual. I hate to sound silly, but you are imposing sexual feelings on a child and someone who is asleep. Also, why are you OK with your son cuddling naked men? Do you cuddle your daughter naked? I assume you breast fed. There was nothing sexual with that.

I think your DD will be the one who stops cuddling with her dad when she is 'ready for that' I really wouldn't be worried about it now. If tables were reversed and he told you that your DS was going to be damaged by touching your breast at night, or nursing, (18 mo isn't that extended) you would be wild (or at least I would)

I would stop the 'poking' I don't like to be poked while I sleep regardless of the appendage. A simple nudge to wake him up enough to roll over and go back to sleep would work.

I don't like the double standard we've put on men, especially our husbands and childrens fathers.


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## Vancouver Mommy

My dp had always slept naked as well (well, so did I untill it became clear that my ds was a chronic nipple twiddler). Honestly, I would think nothing more of his skin to skin contact with a baby than of my own. Completely non-sexual. That said, now that my dd is 3.5 he recently started wearing undrewear to bed - totally of his own volition and for his own comfort.


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## princessjasmine

Catubodua, I know that the erection is totally normal and I don't think it has anything to do w/ my daughter of that my husband is attracted to him or anything like that. My concern is more that my daughter is not able to understand that, and in later years she may have hazy memories of these experiences and believe or be led by others to believe something inappropriate happened. Also I just don't feel comfortable with her being in contact w/ her dad's erect penis, this is just a gut reaction on my part and may be due to my own hang-ups or social norms but it is the way i feel.


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## Catubodua

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HotJabanero* 
While I totally agree it is normal for a guy to erect during sleep and even when pressure is there in a non sexual manner I would feel he should be willing to compromise for the duration of the cosleeping. It really is not that much to ask.


you're right that asking him to wear underwear really isn't a big deal. but, underwear won't prevent him from getting erections while sleeping. if it's the erection that bothers OP, underwear won't solve her problem.


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## KittyDanger

I agree. It's not too much to ask for him to throw on some boxers. The fact that he is unwilling to do that would make me more uncomfortable than the incident in and of itself. I used to sleep naked before having my son and I just don't do it anymore. It's not appropriate in my mind. Esp. not with an 18 mo old.


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## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Catubodua* 
i wanted to point out - lots of men get erections while sleeping. it's perfectly normal and has nothing to do with who they are sleeping next to or whether or not they have underwear on.

This is true. Pajamas will not change the situation that nature has devised. So, if you are uncomfortable with your DD being around that, then it's time for either your DH or your DD to leave the family bed rather than for you to expect your DH to somehow overcome biology.


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## 4Blessings

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kriket* 







I understand where you would be 'weirded out' But your LO is a child, and this isn't sexual. I hate to sound silly, but you are imposing sexual feelings on a child and someone who is asleep. Also, why are you OK with your son cuddling naked men? Do you cuddle your daughter naked? I assume you breast fed. There was nothing sexual with that.

I think your DD will be the one who stops cuddling with her dad when she is 'ready for that' I really wouldn't be worried about it now. If tables were reversed and he told you that your DS was going to be damaged by touching your breast at night, or nursing, (18 mo isn't that extended) you would be wild (or at least I would)

I would stop the 'poking' I don't like to be poked while I sleep regardless of the appendage. A simple nudge to wake him up enough to roll over and go back to sleep would work.

I don't like the double standard we've put on men, especially our husbands and childrens fathers.









I don't see as an example of a double standard. Apples and oranges.


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## readytobedone

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Catubodua* 
i wanted to point out - lots of men get erections while sleeping. it's perfectly normal and has nothing to do with who they are sleeping next to or whether or not they have underwear on.

yeah, i'm not sure how wearing underwear would prevent this. also, i slept naked last night next to DD. DH and i had DTD earlier when DD was sleeping in her room, then later she woke up and came into our bed & i was still naked from before. is that weird? it doesn't seem so to me. she sees me naked all the time!


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## JessicaTX

In my house that would be a non-issue. Especially with such a young baby. I sleep naked, as does dh, now if a kid comes in they are more than welcome in our bed, we just put them on top of the sheets but under the blanket, or they bring their own blanket, but that's with my much older kids. 18 months is still a baby =)


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## vegemamato

my partner and I have a similar issue, though he hasn't been so dismisive.

as of now, we co-sleep with the baby- him, me, s.. and like you, my partner is usually naked and [most of the time] really doesn't want to wear _anything_ (which I get, you know). I typically sleep with pants/shorts 'cause the babe's feet get around









when we move this summer, however, we will be sharing a room with the bigger kids too and I am worried that we will end up with a very similar discussion. As a mother of three girls and a rape survivor, I will admit to being *possibly* overly-concerned about sexual issues, but that doesn't mean that I will back down









I think pants on your husband are more than appropriate for your daughter's age and that your husband's reaction was a def uav.. I would sleep in another room, leave a few books/articles out for your husband on the topic (not sure what, but..) and wait for him to have a rational discussion with you. I know what you mean about not wanting this cause friction, but it sounds like it already is.. you know what's best for your daughter, and you are being a great mother by advocating for her..

Good luck, mama.. I really hope this works itself out









(wanted to add that the breastfeeding thing, imo, is totally irrelevant.. I have a feeling that others will elaborate more though...)


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## Marsupialmom

Sleep erections happen. He can't control it.

Even if they were both clothed it was going to happen. Her leg could have been over it with clothes on.

I am wondering if he *felt* attacked and accused. Even though you said you made it clear it could still feel accused.

I also wonder if you truly believe that men get erections for other reasons than sex. Many people put an automatic association erection = sex that shouldn't be there. You were sick to your stomac,IMO because you were making it more sexual than you should have been.

I do think he should put some sleep pants/undies on. I would also encourage you to have him try different products. Male sleep wear is very limited and uncomfortable. He might not be aware of options. It might mean taking up a little sewing to find materals that are comfortable for him.

I see it really as no big deal but I do worry that DFS might think different.


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## JamieCatheryn

Sleeping erection aren't sexual, but I can see how they'd be weird while the kid is cuddling him. We just ignore them in our family bed. Well, DS doesn't ignore his own he announces them, but then we ignore those announcements lol.


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## veeeyloova

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Vancouver Mommy* 
My dp had always slept naked as well (well, so did I untill it became clear that my ds was a chronic nipple twiddler).

LOL! that made me smile...


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## Marsupialmom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Proud2BeAnAmerican* 
I don't see as an example of a double standard. Apples and oranges.

You never been woken up by a 2 year old nippl twiddler have you? Or been woken aroused buy the said nipple twiddler and having to take a momment to regroup because you realized the nipple twiddler was your dead asleep son.


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## crunchymomofmany

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kriket* 







I understand where you would be 'weirded out' But your LO is a child, and this isn't sexual. I hate to sound silly, but you are imposing sexual feelings on a child and someone who is asleep. Also, why are you OK with your son cuddling naked men? Do you cuddle your daughter naked? I assume you breast fed. There was nothing sexual with that.

I think your DD will be the one who stops cuddling with her dad when she is 'ready for that' I really wouldn't be worried about it now. If tables were reversed and he told you that your DS was going to be damaged by touching your breast at night, or nursing, (18 mo isn't that extended) you would be wild (or at least I would)

I would stop the 'poking' I don't like to be poked while I sleep regardless of the appendage. A simple nudge to wake him up enough to roll over and go back to sleep would work.

I don't like the double standard we've put on men, especially our husbands and childrens fathers.

















:


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## kriket

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Proud2BeAnAmerican* 
I don't see as an example of a double standard. Apples and oranges.

really? A father can't sleep naked with his daughter but a mother can with her son?


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## Catubodua

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vegemamato* 
(and, fwiw, I don't think that the erection issue is what's bothering the op- rather his lack of concern..)

just my humble opinion... but i don't think he's unconcerned about it. i think he's annoyed and / or angry at getting accused of being inappropriate when it was something completely natural and out of his control.


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## Eaglevoice

DH and I always slept naked. And in the beginning it was so much easier for bf at night. Then the babies feet started moving and I realized it was much more comfortable to sleep with bottoms on. And after I nightweaned, I have to sleep with a top on otherwise dd won't stop playing with my breasts. So now I sleep in pj's for the first time in like 10 years. It was weird at first, but I got used to it. DH now sleeps in boxers because one morning when dd1 was around 15 months old she crawled under the covers and grabbed his penis early in the morning,







. He's never slept naked since then!

I don't think it is too much to ask that your dh put on a pair of boxers. It obviously bothers you, and I feel like since he knows that it bothers you enough that you are considering sleeping in another bed, he should do it for you. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. He'll get used to sleeping in boxers after just a few nights and then he won't even think twice of it.


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## Viola

The underwear at least would contain the erection and help keep it from poking the daughter. My husband wears underwear to bed--briefs, not boxers, so maybe that's a different thing. He was never happy with cosleeping, never wanted to do it--he can't stand people touching him while he sleeps--so if I told him he needed to change the way he slept, he would tell me the children need to be in their own beds. Maybe that is part of what is going on here. It sounds as if the OP's husband is fine with cosleeping, but still, if he already has 2 children in the bed, maybe he is unwilling to give up another aspect of his comfort.


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## princessjasmine

I really, really appreciate all the responses. Here is what I am thinking now:

1) my reaction (sick to my stomach) was definitely my own issues cropping up. I was aware of that at the time, actually, and that is why I tried to make it clear that nothing inappropriate was actually happening, both to my husband and when I posted.

2) i know that the erections will still happen with clothes on but for some reason i just feel more comfortable with him being clothed and having an erection while cuddling my daughter than not. this may be silly, i am not sure.

3) the erections actually weren't what bothered me, he has had them in the past and i thought nothing of it, it was the poking thing that made me attribute something sexual to it. but like i said before, this is not something he is doing consciously and i am not suspicious of him at all.

Thanks for the responses, I really feel like I am being supported and also challenged to examine this closely.


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## princessjasmine

just to address some other points brought up, i don't sleep naked myself. and i don't want husband to sleep naked w/ my son b/c he's too little and my husband is a heavy sleeper. i don't see the erection as the same issue for my son b/c he's too little to actually be in contact w/ it, and he's so young, i don't think about it being an issue in the same way. but when he is older, i would feel the same way. and in thinking it over, i do think my husband probably felt attacked. so i need to let him know that i really, really trust him and don't think he is doing anything wrong. and see if we can negotiate something that would work for both of us regarding clothing in bed. it may not be an issue in other people's families, but i do think i would just be more comfortable if he wore something to bed. again, could be my own hang-ups and i can own that.


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## guest9921

Has he tried silk boxers? When I think of silk boxers, I think of gag-gifts & 15 year old boys trying to be suave. BUT... I recently got a pair of silk underwear from landsend, and they're phenomenal. It feels like I'm wearing nothing - but a soft & silky nothing.

My DH wears boxer briefs at night, and we don't sleep with a child between us. DH is a sexual-sleeper, and he can't help it. When theres a body(me) next to him, he gives it cuddles & love. (Which, is welcomed by me.) When my eldest was still much littler, I slept with both kids in the bed & DH slept elsewhere. It was just more comfortable for our family all around - I just had to be sure to get his love&hugs awake rather than asleep.








Hope you come to a decision that works for your family.


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## sapphire_chan

Maybe he'll be responsive if you present it to him as it being your own hang-up and for your sake would he please wear boxers? Like, instead of fixing something he's doing wrong, he's doing you a favor?


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## PGTlatte

OP,

If you are uncomfortable with the situation for whatever reason, IMO you should go with your instincts and decide that the situation is going to change and your DH will no longer be sleeping naked with your children. No blame, no shame, just you are no longer comfortable with it and are changing it. Just that one of you is not comfortable with him sleeping naked with the children is reason enough by itself to make a change.

Your DH wearing something to bed is one way. If he is not willing to go along with that, there are other ways to change the situation. Your children can sleep somewhere else, you can go sleep somewhere else with them, or your DH can sleep somewhere else.

If he was unwilling to wear something to bed AND was upset with me for changing the situation another way, and was insisting that nothing should change, that would be alarming to me.


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## almadianna

I am glad that you feel supported yet challenged PrincessJasmine.









I want to add a bit to this.

From my experiences children will say when they start needing their own personal space and are not comfortable with nudity. When they express this it is up to us as parents to pay attention and do what we can to make sure that we are respecting their boundaries. i grew up in a home with nudity being very open and I firmly remember the day that I told my father that I did not want him to help me shower anymore. It was ok and my mother helped me until I was able to do it on my own.

I dont see it as my place to instill into my children a negative feeling towards nudity or to impose my own boundaries onto them.

While I understand you being bothered by his reaction, saying that he just flat out refuses to wear pants/undies... I can also see how he would have been hurt or angered by how you approached the subject with him. Reading your original post made me feel bothered by him sleeping naked... and we as a family all still sleep naked!!









I know that there are many different beliefs regarding this and while I am glad that this thread is going on I want to remind us all to be respectful when addressing other member's own family choices.


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## princessjasmine

almadianna, thank you for this response. i grew up in a family that was very repressed about nudity and sexuality. i do not want my kids to be like that. my husband's family was very much the opposite. your post is helping me re-examine insisting he be dressed for bed. i really do feel it is my issue and i don't want to pass that on to my kids.


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## meemee

here is how i see it. if i grew up with my dad poking me, i would think htat normal. why in the world would i think that is unnatural. its a natural state of being. the only time she would think that is odd is if and when someone told her any differently. or tried to. but by that time she would have a great relationship established with her dad and would never doubt his intentions.

i am so sick to my stomach to see all this 'head trip' around sexualism here. (not pointing fingers at anyone here - just what we have become in society in general). this is a cultural part of me. i come from a more free nudist culture.

being naked is ok. being poked is ok. its natural. i wish we could be a little more open. i think we hide ourselves behind clothes and hurt ourselves so much more. my dd is 6 1/2 and still sees her daddy naked. i am so grateful for that. i have grown up seeing my mom naked. my dad sometimes. and i enjoyed that they felt comfortable enough to do that.


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## mamaUK

I think DH should totally be wearing underpants and PJ bottoms, IMO it is the appropriate thing to wear in bed when co-sleeping, especially with a little girl. I feel the same as the OP, there is no way I would feel comfortable co-sleeping unless my DH was dressed...as little ones get older they talk about anything and everything, can you imagaine in the playground, 'I sleep with my dad and he is completely naked etc etc...' kids think being naked is funny (well my LO's do) and will talk about it. and they notice things aswell and soon you might get the question 'why does daddy's thing go stiff?' I know I'm not ready to go into the facts of life untill my LO is older, even though it is completely normal and natural for it to happen in sleep. If it were me, I would be moving to another bed in my DH wasn't willing to change. There is NO WAY I would be comfortable with this, even though it is natural bodily functions, I just do not feel it is appropriate.

Just wanted to add that my little ones see their dad naked on a daily basis after showers, getting dressed, so I don't think being naked should be hidden, I just personally wouldn't be comfortable with it in a co-sleeping situation.


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## vegemamato

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
here is how i see it. if i grew up with my dad poking me, i would think htat normal. why in the world would i think that is unnatural. its a natural state of being. the only time she would think that is odd is if and when someone told her any differently. or tried to. but by that time she would have a great relationship established with her dad and would never doubt his intentions.

i am so sick to my stomach to see all this 'head trip' around sexualism here. (not pointing fingers at anyone here - just what we have become in society in general). this is a cultural part of me. i come from a more free nudist culture.

being naked is ok. being poked is ok. its natural. i wish we could be a little more open. i think we hide ourselves behind clothes and hurt ourselves so much more. my dd is 6 1/2 and still sees her daddy naked. i am so grateful for that. i have grown up seeing my mom naked. my dad sometimes. and i enjoyed that they felt comfortable enough to do that.

just wanted to say.. I grew up in a pretty open environment too, and I remember seeing my parents nude many times







I really was ok with nudity too until I was violated (raped). looking back though, I don't like the memories (we co-slept, showered together, et cetera.. nothing bad, jsut uncomfortable to me now for whatever reason). unfortunetely, as you pointed out, we live in a society where women are objectified and dismissed so often that a lot of us have learned to protect ourselves, even when there is no threat. So, while I'm not saying that those of us who haven't been traumatized should be ok with nudity, I do think that past experiences can def justify being uncomfortable, or even having symtoms of ptsd when in these situations. I do feel like it is my responsibilty to teach my girls modesty in our world though, however unfortunate..

btw, I am a big fan of nekkid time- with the whole family- I draw the line though at 'poking' in bed, however unintentional.


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## almadianna

Quote:


Originally Posted by *princessjasmine* 
almadianna, thank you for this response. i grew up in a family that was very repressed about nudity and sexuality. i do not want my kids to be like that. my husband's family was very much the opposite. your post is helping me re-examine insisting he be dressed for bed. i really do feel it is my issue and i don't want to pass that on to my kids.

I think knowing the different backgrounds helps us understand a bit better what you are thinking and what he is thinking.

A good heart to heart conversation about your feelings is in order. This will help him understand where you are coming from and see that you arent trying to accuse him or anything... he might even be more receptive to wearing pants while sleeping after this.

I know how hard a conversation things like this can be and that there are not a great deal of places one can turn for help regarding this subject because of how uncommon cosleeping is in many circles (or at least how uncommon it is to ADMIT to cosleeping).

ah.. the joys of parenting.








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## organicpapayamama

wow... I think that even if its not sexual or even if he isnt trying to do anything it is not appropriate on any level to be naked in bed or anywhere for that matter with toddlers of that age. I mean honestly it doesnt have to be a sexual thing. would you want your child seeing someone naked on tv? in person walking around? through an open window from a neighbors house? of course not. so whats the difference if its at night under covers? A cover can be moved and kicked off accidental and also you might come in contact with something you dont want (as you have experienced) and you would be exposing a lot more than anticipated. Im shocked that he didnt seem concerned that he "came into contact" with DD... that would worry me too.

I personally wouldnt even feel comfortable with him sleeping naked cuddling with DS. thats just me though. the fact that he is so dismissive is disrespectful and insulting to me. He def needs to put on at least some boxers. If it continues and he still fights you, you might want to bring it up to your pediatrician who in turn can make suggestions to your DH... then again, maybe by telling them it might escalate to another level and being accused to doing something that wasnt done. Bottom line though is I agree with you.


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## NiteNicole

The fact that he's telling you that you need to just get over it, that if he can't cuddle your daughter then FINE he'll just take your son...this is worrisome to me. He should care that this upsets you! He should care that you think this could be potentially confusing or uncomfortable for your daughter! He should care about your feelings more than he cares about wearing stupid freakin pj pants!

I can't imagine trusting someone who was so willing to dismiss me on something so upsetting for ME that could be fixed by something so minor for him.

If you're a family that's generally fine with nudity, fine. If everyone is ok with that, fine. I don't care what your sleeping/pj arrangments are if everyone is ok with it but everyone is NOT ok with it in this situation, and one person is actually upset by it.

And you used the phrase "my daughter" several times - is this your daughter together, or YOUR daughter and your son together? To me, that makes a difference. As a parent, hell no would I be ok with a step parent sleeping naked with my child.


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## Kirsten

I hear that you aren't accusing your dp of anything, no ill intent at all. I hope he understands that part too.

Honestly, I think you are putting yourself at risk if dd (in a year or two) is at preschool and talks about sleeping with daddy while he is naked. I have a friend whose dd drew a picture of her family, and drew the dad naked, and the family was in the principal's office within an hour. It was taken very seriously, and my friend was terrified. She was really mad over the whole incident until I told her that wouldn't she want that help for a kid who actually was being abused? For that cry for help to be taken seriously? In their case, it was totally innocent - but very, very stressful for those parents when facing CPS and the foster system being involved if the parents weren't believed.

If I was the OP, I'd either convince dp to sleep in boxers or move dd into her own room. No other option is safe IMO.


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## Mary-Beth

Time for boxer shorts, imo.

Plain and simple, a pair of boxers or pajama pants would be a good barrier from skin to skin contact where we don't want skin to skin contact. And for the record, I'm a big believer of skin to skin contact in other contexts. He can go topless and all that but just keep his adult parts a little more private. I hope he will compromise on this issue for you. (I say for you, because he may not see it as an issue but it is for you so he can do this to help you sleep more comfortably.)


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## princessjasmine

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vegemamato* 
just wanted to say.. I grew up in a pretty open environment too, and I remember seeing my parents nude many times







I really was ok with the nudity too until I was violated (raped). unfortunetely, as you pointed out, we live in a society where women are objectified and dismissed so often that a lot of us have learned to protect ourselves, even when there is no threat. So, while I'm not saying that those of us who haven't been traumatized should be ok with nudity, I do think that past experiences can def justify being uncomfortable, or even having symtoms of ptsd when in these situations. I do feel like it is my responsibilty to teach my girls modesty in our world though, however unfortunate..

I think this is a big part of my problem as well b/c I have been sexually assaulted in the past and also had some harmful sexual relationships and that is what was triggered for me when i saw that. the thing is, i don't know where to go from here because i am not sure that my negative feelings about this will just easily go away and is it possible that that alone could create ambiguity for my daughter and make it a problem for her that she sleeps with dad naked? even if i don't say anything out loud i am sure she is aware of my feelings and i don't want her to feel that anything inappropriate is going on.


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## Drummer's Wife

huh. My response was going to be insist that he wears underwear/boxers but then I thought about it and remembered that *I* co-sleep naked with my 24 month old son. Now, most of the time I do have undies on, but not always (because I don't always wear them during the day, either








) we snuggle, but he is usually much further high up on the bed -- and curled up, so no where near my bottom half.

So, while my DH doesn't sleep completely nude, I do. It seems like a bit of a double standard minus the male anatomy/erection deal, to say that for one gender it's okay to co-sleep naked with the opposite gender child, and it's not for the other. (not that you were saying that, but I almost did).

Good luck finding a comfort zone for the three of you.


----------



## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *organicpapayamama* 
wow... I think that even if its not sexual or even if he isnt trying to do anything it is not appropriate on any level to be naked in bed or anywhere for that matter with toddlers of that age. I mean honestly it doesnt have to be a sexual thing. would you want your child seeing someone naked on tv? in person walking around? through an open window from a neighbors house? of course not.

Actually, none of those situations would bother me, so "of course not" does not apply.

What damage do you think it would actually do to a child to see that?


----------



## New_Natural_Mom

My DH always used to sleep naked, but when we brought DS home he started wearing boxers b/c he *himself* was uncomfortable with it. I would be more upset that my DH was dismissing my feelings that the actual situation. And I would feel uncomfortable with my DH sleeping naked in a co-sleeping situation with any child 12 mos or over. That is *my* personal opinion for my family.


----------



## MommyofHero

co-sleeping shouldn't be uncomfortable or inappropriate or weird or inconvenient, but there usually comes a point where it is, and maybe this means it is time for a change. maybe it's just time for your daughter to get her own bed?


----------



## kriket

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ixia* 
Has he tried silk boxers?









You may want to scratch the silk boxers, they make it... worse... for my DH.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *princessjasmine* 
I have been sexually assaulted in the past and also had some harmful sexual relationships and that is what was triggered for me when i saw that.









Please take comfort in your husband. He is there to protect you, and support you. Trust him! As long as you 'picked a good one' trust is what marriage is about! Thats his job!


----------



## choli

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommyofHero* 
co-sleeping shouldn't be uncomfortable or inappropriate or weird or inconvenient, but there usually comes a point where it is, and maybe this means it is time for a change. maybe it's just time for your daughter to get her own bed?

I have to agree. When you start feeling uncomfortable with biology, it's probably nature's way of telling you that it's time to change the arrangement.


----------



## Brisen

I grew up in a fairly open family, remember seeing my parents unabashedly naked, and there was no pressure on me to cover up until I initiated it. I have a good relationship with my parents, but in retrospect, I wish they had drawn the line earlier. It feels weird and wrong to me now.

Obviously everyone is different, and I know that there are adults who grew up in an environment like this who have no problem with it. I just wanted to point out that it's not the case for everyone. I think it's rather dismissive of the OP's feelings to say basically that she needs to get over her hang ups, or to tell her that a clothed erection is the same as a naked one, so what's the big deal? This is missing the point. She has said she knows that the erections are not sexual and are involuntary, but she is concerned about her dd's feelings about it later on. She is trying to protect their relationship. Maybe her dd, in retrospect, wouldn't be at all bothered by it. But her dh covering up for no reason is, IMO, a much better situation than him not covering up and dd ending up having a problem with it.


----------



## organicpapayamama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *choli* 
Actually, none of those situations would bother me, so "of course not" does not apply.

What damage do you think it would actually do to a child to see that?

honestly it makes me feel uncomfortable even if my child wouldnt know thats its not appropriate. Even though being naked doesnt have to have anything sexual about it, most of the time it is. I would not be ok with my kids watching naked people on tv or on the computer or internet. its just not appropriate, dunno how else to word it. As for damages, I think another poster touched on it about thinking back and knowing your dad did this with you is a bit creepy. I know thats how I would feel if I knew my dad used to do that with me. again, maybe its just me. Im not sure exactly what type of emotional effect it might have on a child to bring up memories like that. I know kids can remember things that young. I personally just dont feel its right. just giving my 2 cents thats all....


----------



## princessjasmine

Ok, I am going to take a break from obsessively checking this post. I think what I am going to do is talk to my husband this evening, explain that I love and trust him and am not accusing him of anything, explain what issues (my family upbringing and sexual experiences, social norms, etc.) are contributing to my discomfort, and then come up with a list of possible solutions, including everything suggested here and work together to find something that works for both of us. Thank you everyone for your input, I am feeling much better about the whole situation in general. I am confident we will be able to work things out.


----------



## gkb2215

Quote:


Originally Posted by *princessjasmine* 
Ok, I am going to take a break from obsessively checking this post. I think what I am going to do is talk to my husband this evening, explain that I love and trust him and am not accusing him of anything, explain what issues (my family upbringing and sexual experiences, social norms, etc.) are contributing to my discomfort, and then come up with a list of possible solutions, including everything suggested here and work together to find something that works for both of us. Thank you everyone for your input, I am feeling much better about the whole situation in general. I am confident we will be able to work things out.

Hi, princessjasmine. That sounds like a good plan. I dare say some of the previous posts seemed to miss the point (e.g., debating the whys and why nots of erections).

What I got from your original post is that you felt really uncomfortable with the situation and further uncomfortable that your husband wasn't respecting your discomfort. That makes perfect sense. The MDC boards are full of moms who use variations on the family bed (e.g., co-sleeper side car) because their partners are uncomfortable with having the baby in the bed, for any number of reasons. As the Dr. Sears books emphasize, the sleeping arrangement has to work for _everyone_, otherwise, you need to find a compromise.

You don't need to apologize for feeling uncomfortable. And he doesn't need to apologize for sleeping naked up until now. However, I'd say that the feelings that the situation stirs up for you amount to a far greater discomfort than your husband would experience by just wearing some pajama bottoms to bed.

You are right to be concerned for how your daughter will feel about this down the line. Of course your husband means her no harm, but why take the risk of her growing up with any kind of confusion of this sort?

Good luck!


----------



## hippiemommaof4

I dont think its asking too much to put on some pj pants or boxers...it would be ridiculous for him to make a big deal about it imo...because wearing them isnt a big deal.


----------



## Wanting2BaMom

I will have to agree with many on here. I don't think it is asking too much to want to share the family bed but within guidelines now they are getting older and observant. Erections can happen throughout the night and do not necessarily have to do with the sleeping situation. It seems you are handling it appropriately - i.e. not accusing but expressing concerns. If he isn't willing to be respectful of that I would say HE needed to find another bed, or couch or floor to sleep on. May be worth looking into what Child Protective Services says about that too since you are posting on a "public forum". Just a thought! Good luck!


----------



## MommyofHero

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hippiemommaof4* 
I dont think its asking too much to put on some pj pants or boxers...it would be ridiculous for him to make a big deal about it imo...because wearing them isnt a big deal.

maybe wearing clothes to bed isn't a big deal to YOU, but it is very uncomfortable for some people.
regardless of what he wears or doesn't wear, he is going to continue to have erections, and if this concept is too uncomfortable for the OP because of the daughter's age, then it's obvious to me that it's time to change either sleeping positions on the bed, or have the daughter sleep in her own bed.
there are more remedies to this then making dad do something he doesn't want to do just because his body is functioning normally.


----------



## Peony

Quote:


Originally Posted by *princessjasmine* 
Ok, I am going to take a break from obsessively checking this post. I think what I am going to do is talk to my husband this evening, explain that I love and trust him and am not accusing him of anything, explain what issues (my family upbringing and sexual experiences, social norms, etc.) are contributing to my discomfort, and then come up with a list of possible solutions, including everything suggested here and work together to find something that works for both of us. Thank you everyone for your input, I am feeling much better about the whole situation in general. I am confident we will be able to work things out.

It sounds like you have a very good plan. Many of us aren't uncomfortable with sleeping in the nude (both DH and I do, our oldest is 6, and still crawls into bed with us many nights), but if *anyone* is uncomfortable then something needs to change. And it does sounds like you will be able to work through this. Good luck.


----------



## Amylcd

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Catubodua* 
i wanted to point out - lots of men get erections while sleeping. it's perfectly normal and has nothing to do with who they are sleeping next to or whether or not they have underwear on.

I agree. It will probably happen while he is cuddling your son too. There is nothing your DH can do to keep that from "popping up". Of course I would not want my child exposed to that either, which is why Dad needs to wear pajamas.


----------



## Amylcd

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KittyDanger* 
I agree. It's not too much to ask for him to throw on some boxers. The fact that he is unwilling to do that would make me more uncomfortable than the incident in and of itself. I used to sleep naked before having my son and I just don't do it anymore. It's not appropriate in my mind. Esp. not with an 18 mo old.










See, I still cuddle with my daughter naked (well, I do wear panties and she wears a diaper). I don't find anything wrong with that (she will be 2 this month). She also still bathes with me on occasion. If she is not in the tub with me, she is in the bathroom watching.

So, I find it totally fine that I sleep (mostly) naked and take baths with my baby but yet I would not want DH to do it at this age.


----------



## gsd1amommy

I don't care how relaxed and cool you are with nudity and erections and co-sleeping, seeing your kid with an erect penis touching any part of their body, is enough to invoke some strong feelings. That is what the OP is saying. She knows erections happen. She just doesn't want the erect penis touching her kids.


----------



## nextcommercial

I think that out of respect for you, he should at least try sleeping with something on. I am sure there have been times in his life where he HAD to sleep with clothes on, and he managed to sleep just fine.

We do things for our spouses/SOs because we love and respect them. I don't think I would get into a power struggle over something like pajamas with my husband.


----------



## lovingmommyhood

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gsd1amommy* 
I don't care how relaxed and cool you are with nudity and erections and co-sleeping, seeing your kid with an erect penis touching any part of their body, is enough to invoke some strong feelings. That is what the OP is saying. She knows erections happen. She just doesn't want the erect penis touching her kids.

Woah. I'm sorry but, it's the child's father. The post came off as erect penises are running amok touching the OP's daughter.

OP, while I can understand how it might bother you I have to gently say that it has way more to do with you being squicked out by it than it actually being a problem. (At least from what you've described) I think your daughter will be able to sense your feelings about her father sleeping nude and I don't know how it would ever come up as you mentioned in the first post. Something like "Someone might say sleeping naked with her dad is weird" I highly doubt it would EVER come up.

I would leave it be unless your daughter is uncomfortable with it. Your DH sounds like he's completely fine with it and as an adult he would know if it was inappropriate or not. I think it's good that he doesn't feel weird about it, pretty much shows he has no malicious intentions.

Now, that being said. While I do agree that you are maybe a bit too sensitive about it I would still hope if I were in your shoes my DH would say "While I disagree with you and feel you're being irrational I will wear boxers to bed so that you don't have to feel uneasy. I know it has nothing to do with me." So, I do wonder why he can't just put the mouse in the house to make his wife feel better, as irrational as he may think it is.


----------



## lovingmommyhood

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amylcd* 
I agree. It will probably happen while he is cuddling your son too. There is nothing your DH can do to keep that from "popping up". Of course I would not want my child exposed to that either, which is why Dad needs to wear pajamas.

Exposed to what? A normal functioning body?? Dad isn't getting aroused in front of the kids. It's a nocturnal erection.


----------



## lovingmommyhood

I'm also wondering. Putting PJ's on isn't going to stop an erection from happening or even from touching someone. What's the difference?


----------



## Amylcd

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovingmommyhood* 
I'm also wondering. Putting PJ's on isn't going to stop an erection from happening or even from touching someone. What's the difference?

If dad is getting an erection, there is always a chance that he could orgasm. Of course, this is mostly associated with young teen boys, but it does happen to adults too. I would not want my child to be next to a penis if that were to happen.


----------



## Qbear'smama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *princessjasmine* 
I just don't feel comfortable with her being in contact w/ her dad's erect penis, this is just a gut reaction on my part and may be due to my own hang-ups or social norms but it is the way i feel.

I am completely with you here and IMHO, we as mothers have 'gut feelings' for a reason and should not ignore them. I agree that he should find some way to cover himself even if he disagrees about the appropriateness of the situation. DH and I used to sleep naked and probably will again someday, but while we have little ones in our bed, we wear something to sleep. It has nothing to do with DD seeing us naked because she does, plenty. That to me is not what it's about. I agree with OP that it's about her daughter's perception, it's about others' perceptions, it's about her own feelings of discomfort. Plus, when it was just us in the bed, DH's nocturnal erections _were_ related to sex some of the time...not to say OP's husband was doing something inappropriate, that's not what I'm saying, but I do not blame her for being uncomfortable. Don't back down on this one, mama!!


----------



## NaturalMindedMomma

I have a DD, I would not want her father sleeping next to her naked, I don't ever want him sleeping next to me naked or at all for that matter but that is another issue.

We are private about bodies of the opposite sexes in my home. I have no problem if DD sees me naked. I would not cosleep with her while naked though, with a nursing top, while nursing, yes. But her and my step daughter (no longer lives with me) have briefly seen eachother naked, but never has she seen her step brother naked. We had rules about girls see girls, boys see boys and we always keep our hands to ourselves.

No man would sleep next to my daughter naked, the fact that he is willing to compromise cosleeping for his own selfish reason bothers me more than anything. Put on undies or Pajama bottoms. I would ask him to sleep in a seperate bed, if he chooses to sleep naked. That is just how I feel.


----------



## prothyraia

I wouldn't have a problem with the situation you describe (my husband sleeps in the nude, so it's entirely likely that something like that has happened at some point). I don't think there's anything inappropriate about it.

However, I don't think you're out of line in asking him to put on some pants, because you're obviously reacting to this strongly, and emotions don't have to make sense.









What is his objection to pj's?


----------



## sahmama_12

My DH sleeps naked, to him its more comfortable. I sleep in Pjs b/c its more comfortable for me. I have no issues. I wonder how much of our hang up on nudity is a symptom of our dysfunctional society?? There are Eastern cultures where fathers routinely bathe with their older than school age daughters and it is completely normal and not anything shameful. The same attitudes surrounding this issue are the ones that make NIP such a hotly debated act.


----------



## Brisen

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lovingmommyhood* 
OP, while I can understand how it might bother you I have to gently say that it has way more to do with you being squicked out by it than it actually being a problem. (At least from what you've described)

It's not either she's "just" squicked out _or_ it's a problem. She is bothered, so there _is_ a problem. To suggest otherwise is dismissive of the OP's very real, valid feelings.

Quote:

I think your daughter will be able to sense your feelings about her father sleeping nude and I don't know how it would ever come up as you mentioned in the first post. Something like "Someone might say sleeping naked with her dad is weird" I highly doubt it would EVER come up.
And since OP's dd will be able to sense OP's feelings, that's a very good reason for the dh to compromise. If both parents were totally OK with this, it would make for a very different dynamic. But that's not the case here.

It doesn't have to come up in conversation for a child to figure out that families, in our culture, rarely co-sleep in the nude. I've come to figure it out, it's just one of those things that is generally known in our culture.


----------



## To-Fu

Just a reminder to everyone to please keep this part of the User Agreement in mind while responding here:

Quote:

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.
Taking issue with another member is not appropriate on MDC. Let's keep things civil and remember to honor the UA so the OP can get the input and support she needs on this difficult topic.


----------



## SmoothieMom

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sahmama_12* 
There are Eastern cultures where fathers routinely bathe with their older than school age daughters and it is completely normal and not anything shameful.

They also routinely circ their sons. Just because another culture does something doesn't make it right.


----------



## Thing1Thing2

I don't see it as a double standard.

All opinions aside, what you feel comfortable with is the only thing that matters.

If it bothers you, dh should be respectful of your feelings enough to wear pants. If he doesn't want to do that, tell him you will be moving ds and dd into the guest room with you, no conversation. He will then have to decide if he wants to sleep naked alone, or sleep with boxers and cuddle.

I think after a few days of sleeping alone, he will change his mind.


----------



## 4Blessings

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sahmama_12* 
The same attitudes surrounding this issue are the ones that make NIP such a hotly debated act.

Completely disagree. Apples and oranges. Breast and penis do not serve the same function when it comes to the nourishment and comforting of a child. Sorry I still do not see the comparison.









I think it is reasonable for OP to request that her DH wear pants.


----------



## To-Fu

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SmoothieMom* 
They also routinely circ their sons. Just because another culture does something doesn't make it right.









I think the point was that different cultures--probably even within a given country, if you think about it--approach family nudity totally differently. Look at the variety of takes on it in this post alone!


----------



## Novella

Many in this thread have commented along the lines of "trust your instincts. . . there's a reason why you are feeling uncomfortable with this. . . go with your gut" etc. That's all well and good, but I'm a little frustrated when it seems to be such a common refrain (throughout MDC) that _any_ alarm any mother feels about anything is justified "instinct". It just feels like we are giving ourselves a free pass and holding out our own feelings as superior. What about Dad's "instinct" that there's absolutely nothing wrong with this situation?

Further to that, the thread continued and the original poster expressed concerns that she is super-imposing her own negative ideas on the situation (as a result of a past sexual assault, other harmful sexual relationships, and a repressive atmosphere toward healthy sexuality in her own childhood home). It seems pretty conclusive that the feelings she's having are *not* instinct.

OP, I was glad to hear that you feel both supported and challenged in this thread and I hope that continues for you as you work through this situation that is causing you such a lot of consternation.







:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *princessjasmine* 
. . . the thing is, i don't know where to go from here because i am not sure that my negative feelings about this will just easily go away and is it possible that that alone could create ambiguity for my daughter and make it a problem for her that she sleeps with dad naked? even if i don't say anything out loud i am sure she is aware of my feelings and i don't want her to feel that anything inappropriate is going on.

You've brought up (what is, IMO) a *more* important issue than the original concern. Have you ever participated in therapy about any of the sexual issues in your past? This situation aside, it might be helpful.

Kriket and Almadianna, thanks for your excellent posts. You covered so many good points.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *organicpapayamama* 
would you want your child seeing someone naked on tv? in person walking around? through an open window from a neighbors house? of course not.









Sorry, this point's falling flat with me. I don't see anything wrong with any of those things. None of them are things I would likely _pursue_, but I don't think they are things to particularly guard against, either.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Proud2BeAnAmerican* 
. . . Apples and oranges. Breast and penis do not serve the same function when it comes to the nourishment and comforting of a child. . . .

Well, both are natural appendages that have sexual and non-sexual purposes. I think it's a very apt comparison.


----------



## Keria

I have no hang ups about nudity I have never been molested or raped I wouldn't mind my children seeing their dad naked but I probably would have the same reaction as the OP if I saw my DHs erect penis in direct contact with my kids, not because I think is sexual, and yes I believe some pajama pants would make a difference.


----------



## Keria

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Novella* 

Well, both are natural appendages that have sexual and non-sexual purposes. I think it's a very apt comparison.

Breasts produce Milk and provide nutrition and comfort to children, Penises don't provide any benefits to children.


----------



## almadianna

Quote:


Originally Posted by *To-Fu* 
I think the point was that different cultures--probably even within a given country, if you think about it--approach family nudity totally differently. Look at the variety of takes on it in this post alone!

Exactly, and please keeping that in mind... let us all please remmeber to take these different cultures and ideas with respect when responding to them.

We dont expect everyone to agree, what fun would that be?







But we do ask that everyone treat others ideas as valid and not be accusatory and inflammatory when responding.

Thanks for keeping this in mind.


----------



## To-Fu

I think that whether or not the OP's discomfort stems from past issues is somewhat irrelevant to this dilemma. Either way, it seems to me her request is justified, and I'm stumped as to why her DH wouldn't be happy to make the small change for her comfort.


----------



## HisBeautifulWife

I believe in modesty.

Someone said that PJ's won't change the fact that men get erections. PJ's make a difference between someones erection being contained in their pants, and someones erect penis laying on the kids body part. That's a big difference.

It doesn't matter if it's sexual or not, just the very implication and the issues it could cause should be enough to warrant concern.

I'm having a hard time understanding why it is such an issue for him to put on pants, but I would not be comfortable with this situation so either the pants would go on or the kids would sleep in their own beds.


----------



## amlikam

DH and I discussed this last night after I read this post. His thought was, it would seem selfish of me to not make a minor change which would make you more comfortable about us having a family bed. Its more important to me to have DD bed share then it is to sleep naked.

I told him, I am ok with her against your bare chest - though I feel uncomfortable about it, I can see that is irrational, but I don't think she should touch your penis EVER.... and DH agreed.

Sure its about the stigma of our society and sexual abuse/rape issues of my own. But I would never want a son of mine to touch my vagina (after his birth).... just how it is.

I am not about to shield DD from seeing nudity and such as she gets older- I mean if occasionaly DH slips out of his boxers or DD walks into the bathroom thats okay and we plan on just asking for privacy.

But victims of sexual abuse (like myself) often state the prediator was a loved one like a father, mother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, brother, good friend of the family, ect.

I trust my DH more than anything, and the fact he respects me enough to do small things to make me more comfortable makes trusting him much easier!

Even if society is wrong to impose these whacky implications on human bodies and sexuality - the fact is its out there. And not everyone will be as good of a person like our DH's.... Fact is, sexual prediators can sometimes be in our own homes.

Besides, it seems if you teach children seeing and touching these intimate body parts is okay and normal, how do they know later on when a bad touch is indeed bad?

It seems an ounce of prevention is worth more than a puond of cure in this situation.


----------



## terese17

both my husband and used to sleep naked. with kids in the bed the rule is that everyone has to wear underwear. its not that there is anything sexual going on, it just makes it more comfortable for the adults. The kids ovbiously would have no concept of anything being "wrong". that aside, my neighbor just told me about her brother and his daughter and wife. the little girl goes to preschool and recently told her teachers that her daddy made her sleep in bed with him and her mommy had to sleep in her bed. She got pulled out of class and the parents called in and they all had to meet with counselers and social workers. What was going on is that her mom is very pregnant, and her parents had a water bed. her mom couldn't sleep in the parents bed and so slept in the daughters twin bed, while the little girl and her dad slept in the larger water bed. It was absolutely nothing going on that should not have been happening, but if your child is anywhere near going to school, I would be extremely adamant that something needs to change. The last thing anyone needs is CPS/DHS invovlement becasue something that a little kid said was given an adult meaning.


----------



## moondiapers

We co-slept naked until ds' feet were the right length to tug on the short and curlies at night. Then we both naturally started wearing undies to bed. Nothing like getting the ole' pube hairs pulled by toddler toes to change your opinion on things, lol.

Chances are that something will happen to make him change his own mind. Ice cold toddler toes in the buttcrack will wake you up really fast!!!


----------



## aran

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sahmama_12* 
There are Eastern cultures where fathers routinely bathe with their older than school age daughters and it is completely normal and not anything shameful. The same attitudes surrounding this issue are the ones that make NIP such a hotly debated act.

I wonder if the fathers are erect during bathing?

Anyhow, OP lives in western culture and is thus subject to the standards recognized by her community. That alone would be cause enough for my DH to put on some PJs. More people (teachers, doctors) than not in a typical western society would be worried about such a sleeping arrangement and I could see DD saying something or making a drawing that would cause a visit from CPS. Not to mention potentially awkward and confusing memories DD might have, regardless of the underlying innocence... Also - as a PP said, what if their was an ejaculation during sleep? I can think of too many negatives of this sleep situation and very few positives...


----------



## mamazee

I was OK with dh co-sleeping when naked, but he wasn't. So he just wears some underpants to bed when there's a child with him. (He is a light sleeper and is currently sleeping in the guest room because of the baby's noise and nighttime nursing, but sometimes dd #1 crawls in with him if she's had a nightmare.) Not much so he's still physically comfortable, but enough that he's also emotionally comfortable.


----------



## aran

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AmyB736* 
I think it's sad that most people (my husband included) are made by society to feel uncomfortable about nudity.

I don't think that's the issue in this case. I think it is discomfort with a little one coming in contact with an erect penis. OP didn't have concerns about nudity per se before she saw the erect penis touching her DD. Totally different than just seeing a person in the nude IMO.


----------



## geiamama

DH and I have always slept naked in the family bed, as have our children, and the only time it has ever caused problem was in VERY hot weather when we started sticking to each other! But then our children are used to us being nude (we're nudists ~ that was sort of self-explanitery ~ sorry) and would probably be more confused by us sleeping in PJ's.

However it should be a JOINT decision between the parents and if one is uncomfortable then it should be a compromise until BOTH parents are happy again.


----------



## geiamama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
We co-slept naked until ds' feet were the right length to tug on the short and curlies at night. Then we both naturally started wearing undies to bed. Nothing like getting the ole' pube hairs pulled by toddler toes to change your opinion on things, lol.

Chances are that something will happen to make him change his own mind. Ice cold toddler toes in the buttcrack will wake you up really fast!!!

Oh yeah, been there.

Also fairly unpleasant is to wake up to your 7yr old DS's bum in your face because he has, in his sleep, decided to sleep horizontally AND bent completely in half on the bed. Worse still when he farts...


----------



## dinahx

I have a son and we all sleep naked at times. It is not a big deal, IMO, he obviously has to have plenty of contact with my breasts. I wouldn't discount your intuition, but my sense is that you are putting sex into a non-sex situation.

I certainly don't monitor my husband's (or my son's) special part while they are sleeping.


----------



## moondiapers

Quote:


Originally Posted by *geiamama* 
Oh yeah, been there.

Also fairly unpleasant is to wake up to your 7yr old DS's bum in your face because he has, in his sleep, decided to sleep horizontally AND bent completely in half on the bed. Worse still when he farts...

ewwww, dh kicked ds out of our bed and into his sisters bed when he was 3 1/2 because he woke dh up in the middle of the night by breaking dh's nose with his elbow. Dh now has a VERY crooked nose. Luckily Dd is four years older than Ds and she didn't mind sharing her bed with him.


----------



## aran

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AmyB736* 
That's a normal part of nudity, erections while sleeping. It is innocent and shouldn't be shamed, IMO.

There was no shaming, I think. But I would recognize that the society in which OP lives will make a judgment on the situation if it is revealed, and it could lead to negative ramifications (like CPS) or if DD grows up to adopt the mainstream western views on the topic, she might feel negative about that experience in retrospect.

DH is very very very open about nudity and bodily functions, but is squeamed out by some of the things he has seen/experienced from his parents. He never told them, but it is a mar in his recollections of growing up with them. To him it is important that he not "impose his body" on his kids the way his dad did with him (not in a sexual way... just an intrusive way).


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## Keria

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AmyB736* 
Wow! I'm so suprised at how many people here think that it isn't unreasonable to ask him to put on some underwear or pj's. As someone who sleeps naked everynight I would be pissed if my husband told me that he felt uncomfortable with my nudity around the kids and wanted me to wear clothes to bed. Sometimes when I get cold at night I put on some pj's but I can't fall asleep until they come back off, usually 30 minutes later, after getting frustrated.

Can you add a twin bed up against your bed and have your daughter sleep on that? Or maybe you should be the one to sleep in the middle? Put a rail on your bed.

Since there was nothing sexual going on at all it should not be treated as such and those suggestions are just to make YOU feel more comfortable.

I also feel comfortable walking around in the nude most of the day with my children. And they are nude alot as well. My husband doesn't feel comfortable with our 5 year old seeing him naked so he covers up now. I think it's sad that most people (my husband included) are made by society to feel uncomfortable about nudity.


For the sake of argument lets say, my husband wakes up on the middle of the night and sees a toddler hand or foot on my vagina and it makes him uncomfortable, I can't imagine being pissed off because he would ask me to wear something, for me is just respecting my DHs wishes and I would wear something, I wouldn't on purpose continue a situation where everyone is not OK, much less if it would bring him bad memories of horrible events in his life, if I absolutely could not sleep with anything on we would have to either move the kid or I would have to move out of the family bed.


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## To-Fu

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AmyB736* 
That's a normal part of nudity, erections while sleeping. It is innocent and shouldn't be shamed, IMO.

My impression was not that the OP was trying to shame her husband; she just mentioned being uncomfortable with his erect penis touching their daughter and asked him to put on some undies or PJ pants to make her more comfortable.

When I talked to my partner about this scenario and asked him what he would do if we were in the same situation, he said immediately that he would not mind putting on some clothes if it would make me more comfortable. So, for him it's not a big deal and he would not feel shamed.

I don't think anyone is denying that erections are a normal part of sleep for men, either. The OP isn't saying that nudity or nighttime erections are abnormal or shameful; she is uncomfortable about it for her own reasons.

I think, really, this is one of those things that each family has to navigate for themselves. We've seen posters reply that modesty is always best and others that nudity is awesome at all times (family bed or not), so I really think there's no right answer. The important part is to be non-judgmental about others' choices, and to disagree in a way that still honors the User Agreement.







There's so much diversity with regard to the family bed!


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## geiamama

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
ewwww, dh kicked ds out of our bed and into his sisters bed when he was 3 1/2 because he woke dh up in the middle of the night by breaking dh's nose with his elbow. Dh now has a VERY crooked nose. Luckily Dd is four years older than Ds and she didn't mind sharing her bed with him.

Ouch!!!


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## almadianna

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aran* 
There was no shaming, I think. But I would recognize that the society in which OP lives will make a judgment on the situation if it is revealed, and it could lead to negative ramifications (like CPS) or if DD grows up to adopt the mainstream western views on the topic, she might feel negative about that experience in retrospect.

DH is very very very open about nudity and bodily functions, but is squeamed out by some of the things he has seen/experienced from his parents. He never told them, but it is a mar in his recollections of growing up with them. To him it is important that he not "impose his body" on his kids the way his dad did with him (not in a sexual way... just an intrusive way).

Actually her initial reaction did have shaming in it. If I was her husband I would have reacted feeling insulted at how she presented the situation to me. WHich is why I believe (and said so) that she have a conversation with him in a different manner because it is all in the delivery. Laying out her feelings/history/the way she was raised would make it less accusatory and seem less insulting towards him.


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## To-Fu

Although this has been an interesting and enriching discussion, we are closing the thread for now. The OP has gotten some great ideas, advice, and support, and we want to keep it that way.

Thanks for understanding!


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