# Vanishing Twin Syndrome discovered at 40 weeks



## kettunainen (Nov 2, 2006)

I don't even know how to write this or what to say.

I was expecting twins and thought, more or less, that everything was good until I went into labour. Baby A's head wasn't engaging and after over 20 hours of transitional-type contractions, I transferred to a hospital. They did an ultrasound and told me there was only one baby in there.

Huh?

No way.

And so, while I was busy trying to birth the one baby (Baby B/Peanut), I was also trying desperately to figure out exactly what went wrong and when it happened. I KNOW I conceived twins. I KNOW I carried twins for quite some time.

I was always always always concerned about Baby A (Monkey). It felt like she wasn't supposed to be there -- she was supposed to come in my 2nd pregnancy. Not this one. But she was here and I came to terms with it quickly. I had a dream at about 2 months along where I miscarried her and it felt so lonely having only one baby in my womb. When I awoke from that dream, I knew I needed to have her with me. I knew I could carry both of them to term. I was up to the task (I'm not one to shy away from challenges).

I felt them both move early on at 10 weeks. In the following month, I felt all sorts of movement from both of them -- especially Monkey. She'd kick my stomach every time I'd had more than a couple glasses of cold milk. It was startling, but it made me laugh.

Even so, throughout the pregnancy, I was still plagued with fears for her.

At about 20 weeks, maybe a little before, I felt like she had disappeared from my womb entirely. I couldn't find her in there at all, and believe me, I tried.

And then, it seemed as though she magically reappeared... so my fears were assuaged. This happened 2 or 3 times over the course of a couple of weeks mid-2nd trimester.

I really connected with her during the pregnancy. Seriously connected with her. Her voice was so strong in my heart. Peanut, OTOH, was so very silent. I had never ever worried about him. I knew he was totally fine and would be the whole way through. I guess I felt like I needed to work extra hard to make sure that Monkey knew I needed and wanted her, too, and couldn't lose her.

Carrying twins wasn't what I had initially planned. I had envisioned birthing a boy first and then, a couple years later, a girl. But when I felt the double ovulation and the double implantation, plans changed accordingly. And now it seems like we're back to Plan A, but I wish someone would have told me weeks ago. Wait. Someone did. Monkey did. But I didn't pay attention and now I'm paying the price.

This is so much worse than I ever thought it would be.

I have a stunningly beautiful little boy and I feel so distraught, mourning the loss of his twin, who's been gone for some time now. I feel like I'm cheating him, even though, intellectually, I know I'm not.

I know it'll take time. But having to deal with this kind of loss at this stage, when I'm also coping with the physical postpartum discomforts, the trauma of not getting the birth I wanted for the one baby I _did_ have, and having to relay all of this business to expectant relatives and friends is a hell of a lot to handle.

They all say that all that matters is that Baby and Mama are ok. Well, Baby A is just fine, wherever she is. I know this. Baby B seems just peachy. Mama, OTOH, is not fine. Not fine at all.

Yes, I have an awesome support network, but that does not diminish the pain.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I am so sorry about your daughter and your pain.









I am glad you son is well.







: for you


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)




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## Rockies5 (May 17, 2005)

you did really well and I'm sorry for your loss.


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## Mary-Beth (Nov 20, 2001)

I'm sorry for your loss. Let yourself grieve because holding it in never helps.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)




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## Jster (Apr 22, 2003)

Congratulations on the birth of your son...and sorry for the lost dreams. Hopefully your little monkey will show up in a few years, she's obviously out there for you.


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## christinespurlock (Oct 10, 2006)

I am so sorry..
You know a lot of people try to minimize what a huge loss this is. I'm sorry but they may even feel more justified given that you do have a baby to hold. Just know that a loss is still a loss. And you have the right to morn your girl. I do believe that sometimes babies can come back later, when they are ready.


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## robertsmama (Jan 20, 2007)

I am so sorry for your pain and loss, but am happy for you that you have your son. I hope that you can find the balance between holding him in your arms and your little monkey in your heart.


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## mrskennedy (Dec 24, 2006)

I'm so sorry, and those words sound shallow to me, but I don't know what else to say. Sending you healing energies!


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I am so very sorry for your loss


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## kettunainen (Nov 2, 2006)

Thank you, everyone. I'm so glad this forum exists -- it felt really good and necessary to get out all the emotional crap I've been dealing with. I feel a lot better now.

Monkey will come back to me when the time is right. I do wish I knew why she came to me when she did, only to leave part-way through... it doesn't make any sense to me. Ah well; if I'm meant to know, I'm meant to know. Until then, I have my little guy to care for.


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## owensmybaby (Jul 24, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss- have the doctors been able to pin point or shed any light on when or why you lost monkey?


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## mum5 (Apr 10, 2004)

So sorry for your loss, that is a very beautiful story that you wrote, thatnks for sharing your experience with us.
Congratulations on your new baby boy.


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## kettunainen (Nov 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *owensmybaby* 
I am so sorry for your loss- have the doctors been able to pin point or shed any light on when or why you lost monkey?










Thank you.

I had an unassisted pregnancy, so I haven't really involved doctors in my experience, except for the actual transfer-to-the-hospital portion of the birth. Looking at it from a spiritual perspective: it just wasn't her time to be born. I hope to catch her for the full journey in the next pregnancy.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)




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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

I am so sorry for you. I won't hijack your thread with my own story - I'll post my own sometime, but I have also had a "vanished twin." It's very, very hard.


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## taylor (Apr 4, 2006)




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## aept (Feb 8, 2007)

Sending healing thoughts your way. Take care of yourself at this intense time.


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