# Sadly, I'm not new here - a reintroduction



## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

Hi ladies. As some of you already know, I lost my little girl about 2 weeks ago at 37 weeks gestation. I was planning on a natural delivery in a birthing center with midwives. Then after being head down for quite some time, we discovered that she was breech. I tried accupuncture, but it didn't work, so I scheduled an external version. While at the version, they tried to put an electronic fetal monitor on my belly as routine monitoring of the baby. The nurse (who ended up being a gift from God) thought she had heard the baby's heartbeat, but just couldn't pinpoint it. They brought in the doctor to do an ultrasound. I then got the question, "When did you last feel the baby move?" and the comment "I see calcium deposits in the placenta which means the placenta is already starting to deteriorate." I found myself staring up at the ceiling with a weird sense of deja-vu, but it wasn't sinking in. Then the doctor looked me staight in the eyes with a shocked look on his face and said the words I will never forget for as long as I live - "I think I have some bad news for you."

I won't go into the horrible details from there, but at least my husband was there and my daughter was home with my mom who was planning on staying over if I went into labor from the version. If this had to happen, at least my dd wasn't there to witness our reaction to losing her baby sister. I had just seen the baby on the ultrasound monitor, alive with a heartbest just 3 days prior. It made no sense.

I decided to be induced right then because I couldn't imagine going home. So after then third try (which was predicted), contractions stuck and labor began. Now it was 2am. By 3am contractions were serious. The staff didn't understand why I didn't want pain medication, but I told them I was concerned about stalling labor. I just wanted to get home to my dd. It was her first night away from me and I just wanted to be sure she was OK. She had called crying about 5pm and wanted me home, and I really wanted to be there for her. We had told her the baby had died, so I didn't know what the tears were really for.

About 4:15am, I felt like pushing, but the resident doctor checked my and I was only 6cm. I thought for sure it was going to happen soon. Then I felt the need to stand up and soon after thought I had to use the bathroom. I rushed in there and pushed a little and my water exploded. I felt better, but had to be urge to get back to the bed. I had 2 contractions that didn't come with the need to push and then I felt the outline of the baby in my uterus staight up and down and I knew it was coming. I then had to push. The staff came rushing in. Within three or four contractions she wa out. It was 4:32am on May 6, 2005.

The baby was quiet. The staff was trying to get her prepared for me to hold her. My husband was sobbing and saying that he had never been so proud of me. Then they put my precious Grace Marie in my arms. We thought we had picked out the name Madeline for a girl, but I kept hearing in my head the phrase, "There by the grace of God go I." I turned to my husband before labor had started and said that I thought the name should be Grace if it was a girl. He stared at me and said that he was thinking the same thing.

She was a beautiful little girl. She had a little bit of dark hair, her nose was like her Daddy's and big sister and maybe the eye shape too. I think her and dd would have looked like sisters, but Grace would have had her own look as well. She was 4lbs 13oz and 18" long.

The hospital staff was fantastic. That orginal nurse had gone through a late-term stillbirth herself and cried with us and gave us instant support. The nursing staff had just had a 2-hour course on stillbirths and were prepared for us. We got 4 hours with Grace, a memory box with footprints, an outfit that the nurse (by our request) dress her in, 5 pictures and more.

Initial results say it was due to a kink in the cord which was tightly wrapped around her neck. After 8 years in practice and 200 births a year, we are the 2nd late-term stillbirth at the birthing center.

Challenges that lie in the near future are 1) this week is the 1-year anniversary of our m/c at 11.5 weeks 2) I was pg at the same time as my sisters. One was due 1 week ahead of me and she has since had a girl whose middle name is Grace. We have to find the courage to go see her. The other sister is due the first week of July 3) Our original due date is the day after the 1-year anniversary of my m/c - May 22nd

I'm so sad to be here again.


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## CB73 (Apr 16, 2005)

Keri.
I am reading while at my office, trying not to give in to the tears threatening to fall. I cannot imagine the volume of tears that you & your family have shed in the past couple weeks.
You have a lot to go through in the near future...and how wonderful that the staff was so prepared. Wonderful and sad that they HAVE to be prepared for such things. None of them will forget your daughter Grace or your family anytime soon.
I wish there was more to say, or the typed words could mean more somehow....please know that I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Peace.


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

Keri, I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight. You are in my thoughts constantly. You are such a loving woman and Grace is so lucky that you are her mother. I am holding you, your dh (who sounds like a gem), and both your sweet daughters in my heart and wishing you all peace and love. I am so sorry.


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## edamommy (Apr 6, 2004)

oh darling, I'm so sorry for you and your family. I cannot stop my own tears! My placenta had calcified at 33 weeks. My dh and I were MORE prepared for them to pull a lifeless babe from me then a live one. And, right now, I'm holding him so close to me ... it is by the grace of a higher being that our babies come and go in this world. And I'm sure you feel so blessed to have had the moments with her in your womb. many hugs to you mama.


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## alexisyael (Oct 23, 2003)

THank you for letting us read Grace's story.







You are beautiful mama, and you are loved!


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

My heart is breaking for you. What an awful experience, but so glad that the staff was so wonderful to your family. I will keep you in my prayers and know that Grace is wrapping you in her love as well.


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## wilkers8 (Mar 22, 2004)

Thank you for telling us about Grace. I'm sure she was as beautiful as her name is.


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## Chloe (Aug 13, 2002)

Again I am sorry about your loss. Thanks for sharing your story...it made me cry.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Keri,

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you and your family are going through.







Since you first told us, I've been thinking about you daily and hoping you're alright.

I feel that my words are grossly inadequate for the situation.. but I'm so sorry.







A candle remains burning for you and your angel Grace.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

Thank you for sharing your beautiful Grace with us. I can hear how much you love her coming through your words. I am so sorry that she is not with you now. Take as much time as you need before going to see your new neice. Be gentle with yourself and take some time to heal.







to you and your whole family.


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## chiromama (Dec 29, 2003)

Keri, thanks for sharing Graces story. I'm so glad you were supported and loved during this tragedy. I wish you peace, my friend.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Keri,
I am so sad that you are here again, as well.

Thank you for sharing Grace's birth story with us. I feel honored to have read it and to know her through you.

As you know, there are quite a few of us here who have lost our children late in the game, so please feel free to lean on us as much as you need to.

Just try to take it one moment at a time. Breathe in and breathe out.
How is your physical recovery coming along? Do you have help at this time?










SweetTeach


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## TchrGrrl (Nov 15, 2003)

Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us. I am so sorry for your loss of a lifetime with her.


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

Oh hon.







I am so, so sorry.


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## MajaKatrina (Mar 29, 2005)

My heart is breaking for you :-(

Catherine


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## coralsmom (Apr 1, 2005)

keri,
i am just so sorry to read your post... it was painful, as it seems like yesterday that my own daughter died. i am just reeling at the universe, how can these beautiful lives be taken from us??! it is so unbelievable and horrible. i don't know what else to write, i just hope you know how much you have been in my thoughts tonight, as well as your sweet baby, grace.

thank you for writing your birth story... you were so strong, and grace marie comes from the skin, bones, blood, and soul of an incredible mother and father. your strength will bring you through the meetings with your nieces, and the anniversaries ahead.

it helps me to cry when i feel it, rest when i am overwhelmed, and really give myself all the time i need to mourn my baby's death. my longing for her and my love for her is condensed now- her entire lifetime i would have had with her and all of the emotions that would have gone along with it, they come to me in thick, heavy waves. we should have had more time with our babies.







i am so sorry for your loss. with love, coralsmom


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Keri,

I was shocked and heart broken to hear of the loss of you baby Grace.. I know that you were such a great support for me when I lost Luke and I want you to know that I am here for you too.. I only hope that you will find comfort in our words and they help to heal your soul during this difficult time.. Thank you for sharing Grace with us..

hugs,

Sarah


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## liseux (Jul 3, 2004)

Keri,
I also want to thank you for sharing the story of your precious Grace. There really are no words, I am just thinking about you and your family right now.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

keri


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I am so very sorry, Keri


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## Quirky (Jun 18, 2002)

Oh Keri, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter Grace. I remember seeing your signature line on your posts when you miscarried and then again when you got pregnant again, and I was so happy for you. I am so terribly sorry to read that Grace died.


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## heveasoul (Sep 27, 2003)

Keri. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. My thoughts go out to you and your family.


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)




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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

Keri, I'm so sorry you lost Grace. Thank you for sharing her with us, the way you wrote was so beautiful, and such an honor to read.









Sending you some more


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I've thought of you so often since hearing of Grace's birth. My heart goes out to you mama. I'm so very, very sorry.

Please feel free to share here as much as you need.


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## MajaKatrina (Mar 29, 2005)




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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I'm so sorry.


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## twiceasgood (May 28, 2005)

I'm so sad for your loss sweetie. We lost our 4 month old dd to SIDS in the fall and it's the hardest thing to lose your baby. You and your family are in our thoughts.

Heather


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## ggma (Apr 20, 2004)

May the deep courage and strength that moved through you that night continue to surround you, softened by grace, and may you feel love/peace rise inside. My heart is reaching out to you...


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## Kundalini-Mama (Jul 15, 2002)

Oh Keri,

Words cannot express how sorry I am for the loss of your precious daughter. I am just so so sorry for you. Your family will remain in my heart.

Lots of love to you
Amy


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## BinahYeteirah (Oct 15, 2002)

I can only say that I am sorry for your loss.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

Keri,

My heart is breaking wide open for you.

There's so much I want to say, but I can't seem to articulate my thoughts. Thank you for sharing Grace's birth story with us. Everything I want to say seems so pointless, because nothing can take away the hurt you are feeling.

Sending much love to you and your family,

Katherine


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Keri-

Just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing.. you are in my thoughts tonight..

Sarah G.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Sometimes I just cannot find a way to say everything I want to say.

I am so sad and heartbroken about your sweet Grace, thank you for sharing her story with us.

I am so terribly sorry...

Sending love to you and your family.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Hi Keri. Hugs to you. You have much courage.
This is Cristina from the May 05 ddc. Can I PM you?


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## PortraitPixie (Apr 21, 2005)

for Grace. . .


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

My tears are falling for Grace.

I am praying your family will be supportive and understanding during this time.


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## Lotus Jewel (Nov 16, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

Keri - I am deeply sorry for your immense loss. Your family are in my thoughts....







Words are just not enough at a time like this...

Peace to you, mama


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## granolamom (Sep 30, 2002)

So very, very sorry for your loss...................


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Keri,
been thinking about you. How are you doing? How's your dd and your dh?


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