# I hate my children right now (and my dh)



## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I feel so overwhelmed and alone.









Mylee just dumped her potty chair in the water filter with poop and pee.









The dog will not shut up and my dh is a self centered ahole.

I do not know how to climb out of this hole riight now!

Everything is out of control!


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Seriously.....nothing I do is working.

We tried unschooling. They do nothing but fight.

We tried more structure. They do nothing but whine.

I try playful parenting and do everything by myself.

I went on strike. No one noticed.

Gentle discipline doesn't work. Strict punishments do not work.

I am at my wits end. They have NO motivator or currency. Neither does my dh or my fricking dog.

I am getting screwed over by EVERYONE in my home.









I just want to quit!


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## athansor (Feb 9, 2005)

I don't really have any solutions, but wanted to offer support and some







s I hope you find some peace and some answers.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I'm so sorry. you sound so very overwhelmed. Is there anyone to give you a break? Can you leave the kids with your dh and just go sit in a coffee shop and read alone for a bit?

hope things improve,

-Angela


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## artgoddess (Jun 29, 2004)

deep breathes mama. I hope you can grab yourself some solo recharge time soon.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

Definitely agree w/ Angela- you need a breather. Go out by yourself for a few hours.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

:

no wisdom.

but couldnt read without posting.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 









I'm so sorry. you sound so very overwhelmed. Is there anyone to give you a break? Can you leave the kids with your dh and just go sit in a coffee shop and read alone for a bit?

hope things improve,

-Angela

No.







THat is part of the issue.

Dh skipped a meeting last night to have a couple beers by himself and take a nap.

Meanwhile I took all 4 children (and my fat pregnant self) to work in like -30 degree windchill thinking he was busy at a meeting.

Really he just stayed home and had some "me" time.

I am lucky if I can pee once a day without someone talking to me.









And dh is no help in that department (he helps with cleaning and cooking.....but is not an equal parenting time partner)


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## Kyyrah (Jan 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
I went on strike. No one noticed.











I know you weren't trying to be funny, so sorry for laughing. But I do know where you're coming from. I totally did this too, thinking I'd finally get some appreciation. No one noticed either, and I just ended up having to do more work to catch up. It sucked!








I hope you have a better day tomorrow.


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## Dabble (Jun 14, 2007)

Can you just walk away for a while? Unless you have a nursing infant who needs you for sustenance, everyone will survive in your absence.

Just go do something for you. I know that sounds lame, but do something "strange" just for you. Go swimming at an indoor pool and let the unusual sensations and the feeling of being isolated refresh you. Go to a tanning booth and let the light lift you. Go to a friend/family member's house and just hang out. If there is someone you know well and feel comfortable with, go cry on their shoulder or let them baby you for a while. Take a nap at someone else's house.

You are carrying too much on your shoulders and you're bound to snap! Give yourself a time out!


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I think I understand where you are at.
I agree that you need some time for yourself.
I have felt similar to the way you are describing and I honestly just had to get dressed and tell dh that I was leaving and would be back in a few hours and he would have to handle it.
One time, I actually just walked outside, got in the car and drove away. Then I called him a minute later to tell him I would be back in a few hours.
I'm not saying that this would be best for you...but my dh didn't seem open to me leaving for a few hours saying that my little one needed me around 24/7. He was already 18 months, still nursing and never been away from me for 2 hours straight. Well, the baby did just fine for 2 hours.
I take for myself regularly now...at least a couple of hours biweekly, and I feel much better for it. I'm a better mom and wife when I take care of myself and my needs.


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## Kyyrah (Jan 15, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
No.







THat is part of the issue.

Dh skipped a meeting last night to have a couple beers by himself and take a nap.

Meanwhile I took all 4 children (and my fat pregnant self) to work in like -30 degree windchill thinking he was busy at a meeting.

Really he just stayed home and had some "me" time.

I am lucky if I can pee once a day without someone talking to me.









And dh is no help in that department (he helps with cleaning and cooking.....but is not an equal parenting time partner)

Well there you go! I have a teeny tiny feeling that that is the part of the reason you're feeling so grouchy today. I get like that too when it seems like DH gets to go off and have "me" time but I never get a chance. TAKE THE TIME. Even if it doesn't seem like you can. DO IT. You're pregnant. Tell your DH that you're not feeling well, that you're having contractions or something, and must rest. He's on duty. Then go lay down. Or take a bath. And read a good book, or watch TV, or whatever you can do without moving. If your kids ask you for something, tell them to go ask Daddy. My DH is a lot like yours; he just doesn't want to be on parenting duty. Like, ever. But mine HAS to step up to the plate sometimes, and so does yours. Just try it, what's the worst that can happen? (Well, besides fighting with your husband, but hopefully that won't happen. He got HIS free time yesterday.)


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## Sheal (Apr 19, 2007)

This is going to sound harsh but dump the kids in his lap, make no room for negotiation, if you drive, take the vehicle and go for a long drive, if not take a walk. Get the heck out of dodge for an hour and make him give you that hour.

I've done it to my hubbs. Makes them change their tune pretty quick when they see that crazed look in your eyes as you walk out the door with the keys in hand.

It's not very AP or NFL but make him do it. Don't give him the choice, the moment his arse hits that door to walk in, you walk out. The only thing you should say is "kids are here, you watch them, I'm taking an hour of me time, see you later".

Don't argue, don't negotiate, don't say anymore than that.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kyyrah* 
Well there you go! I have a teeny tiny feeling that that is the part of the reason you're feeling so grouchy today. I get like that too when it seems like DH gets to go off and have "me" time but I never get a chance. TAKE THE TIME. Even if it doesn't seem like you can. DO IT. You're pregnant. Tell your DH that you're not feeling well, that you're having contractions or something, and must rest. He's on duty. Then go lay down. Or take a bath. And read a good book, or watch TV, or whatever you can do without moving. If your kids ask you for something, tell them to go ask Daddy. My DH is a lot like yours; he just doesn't want to be on parenting duty. Like, ever. But mine HAS to step up to the plate sometimes, and so does yours. Just try it, what's the worst that can happen? (Well, besides fighting with your husband, but hopefully that won't happen. He got HIS free time yesterday.)

That is part of the problem today I am sure. Honestly, I want to kick him out on his butt.

But the kids and I had a rough day yesterday to begin with....so this was the frosting on the cake.

My house is trashed! And it got like that in less then 24 hours.

I have come up with ways to fix it and NO ONE will listen and do it the way I said.









So meanwhile, I keep trying to slay the same dragons we have bee ntrying to slay for days, months, and years.

I am so sick or spinning my wheels in mud and seeing no progress.









I am afriad I am turning my kids into super negative beings because that is what I have become


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## Attached Mama (Dec 4, 2005)

I agree you need to get out and away for a little while.

Also wondering, what kind of consequences do the kids get for whiny bad attitudes or trashing the house or not cleaning? Can you tell them that they can go sit in their rooms and whine or help happily and those are the only options? Can you dump all their messes like dirty dishes etc in their rooms or get rid of things they leave lying around? Because it sounds to me like they have no respect for you and house rules either.

Seriously, I'd tell them they can do the school activity you have planned in a structured way and do it w/o whining and w/o a bad attitude or they can go clean their rooms. If they choose to go to their rooms, I'd let them know you will be up in an hr or 2 to see if it's clean and I'd tell them - just leave out any of the stuff you want to get rid of and we'll donate it. Then I'd go put it in garbage bags and donate it if it weren't put away an hr or so later.

I'm assuming your kids are a bit older??? I didn't see ages....

First give yourself a break - then come up with some plans. Gentle discipline does not mean putting up with disrespect and bad attitudes all day long. That's permissive to me, gentle w/o the discipline. Maybe those ideas I listed won't work depending on your kid and how old they are, but it does sound to me like they need some sort of natural/logical consequences to motivate them.


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

(hugs)

sounds like you are having a really tough day







I have had some days like that myself. its really hard to get out of it sometimes...


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## Starr (Mar 16, 2005)

I think a break outside the home would do you good but I personally would not recommend a walk







: It is freezing out! Is there an indoor play center where you can unleash the kids and I'm guessing their built up energy from staying ondoors? Olivia is bouncing off the walls and with the weather there isn't a lot of options. Sending hugs your way!


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

I'd come rescue you if I lived nearby







. I feel that way myself sometimes







.

We could ditch all of our kids with the DH's and just go sit somewhere QUIET!


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## Eben'sMama (Jun 29, 2006)

I completely know where you are coming from. My DH is usually very supportive, but there times when I want to boot him out of here--if I'm going to have to do almost everything by myself, why not just be alone? That way, at least I wouldn't have the disappointment of having him drop the ball/forget/let me down. There are days when I think about just driving away and never looking back.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

My kids are little







:

Ds9, dd7, ds4, dd2, and Baby #5 coming April 09









I am so ashamed to feel this way right now









Another issue: We are in the process of remodeling/reassigning rooms and such so NO ONE has a room or private space right now.

I could use clothes baskets though and fill with "their stuff" to clean.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eben'sMama* 







I completely know where you are coming from. My DH is usually very supportive, but there times when I want to boot him out of here--if I'm going to have to do almost everything by myself, why not just be alone? That way, at least I wouldn't have the disappointment of having him drop the ball/forget/let me down. There are days when I think about just driving away and never looking back.









This is EXACTLY what I am feeling right now!









I feel like:

a) God has alot more hope for me then I have of myself.

b) NO ONE appreciates me!


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## waiflywaif (Oct 17, 2005)

Quote:

It's not very AP or NFL but make him do it. Don't give him the choice, the moment his arse hits that door to walk in, you walk out. The only thing you should say is "kids are here, you watch them, I'm taking an hour of me time, see you later".
There's nothing "not very AP" about this! They are his kids too and AP stands for "attachment parenting." It's not all about mom. I totally second this suggestion.


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## 2cutiekitties (Dec 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chimpmandee* 
Can you just walk away for a while? Unless you have a nursing infant who needs you for sustenance, everyone will survive in your absence.

I agree with this. Your hubby doesnt understand, so let him babysit and he will. Dont be an enabler. If you seriously dont trust him to not kill the kids, then that is a whole new set of issues.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2cutiekitties* 
I agree with this. Your hubby doesnt understand, so let him babysit and he will. Dont be an enabler. If you seriously dont trust him to not kill the kids, then that is a whole new set of issues.

He does watch the kids (usually not all at once) sometimes when I am working, but not for me to have any alone time.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

First, there is not reason to be ashamed for recognizing your own needs. But now you need to grab those needs and work to get them met. First, everyone else is right. Your kids are old enough to survive 2 hours with daddy. They may whine about it, HE may whine about it, but no one is going to die from it. Do NOT give him a choice. Just do it. It will help you find your center, from which you can then make plans for the future.

Is this just a "today" thing or a long-term thing? It sounds long term. Assuming that, you won't fix it overnight. But you can and MUST fix it. No one is good when you are this unhappy. Whatever benefit you think you are giving your children by being a martyr is being negated by this. So, figure out what YOU want and how to get there.

Do not take these steps until you have had a couple of hours of me time and gotten some sleep. But after that, realize:

Your kids really aren't that little. They are old enough to take some responsibility around the house (well, maybe not the 2 YO). You have to be willing to give it to them, you have to figure out a way to consistantly require it of them, and you have to be willing to stick through the inevitable resistance that will come from this step. So, frankly, is your DH, so come up with a plan for him to do more parenting as well. Figure out what is bothering you most and tackle that baby step. Then keep taking baby steps.

If homeschool is not working, then don't do it. Seriously. I know that lots of people seem to think its a great solution. And for many it might be. It doesn't mean it is the right solution for you and your family. Explore options and think about whether you are actually accomplishing what you thought homeschool would accomplish for you.

There is no shame in re-evaluating and/or in changing directions. There is great harm in growing up with a frustrated, unhappy mommy. If this is more than a short-term response on your part, do something about it!!

And if is just a bad day or two and it will get better if you just have a bath, then figure out how to get that - probably at someone else's house because the kids won't leave you alone in your own!


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## nichole (Feb 9, 2004)

i dont have anything original to say. Until dh gets home to watch the kids, and he MUST, i would go to mcdonalds with a play area or let them watch a video. I wish spring was here.


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## AutumnMama (Jan 2, 2004)

I feel you mama! I agree with the pp's, you need to just go.
Honestly, I need more than just one hour to recharge. I'd be ready when he got home, prep the kids, and tell him you'll be back in a few hours as you walk out the door.

Have stuff laid out for dinner and an instruction list for bed time if you need to, but definitely do it.

You should really have this happen for you at least once a week.
I've started going to a knitting circle for just a couple of hours on tuesdays and it's the highlight of my week.
First time since we've had kids (7 years now!) that I've done something for myself...should've done it long before this!


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## felix23 (Nov 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
Seriously.....nothing I do is working.

We tried unschooling. They do nothing but fight.

We tried more structure. They do nothing but whine.

I try playful parenting and do everything by myself.

I went on strike. No one noticed.

Gentle discipline doesn't work. Strict punishments do not work.

I am at my wits end. They have NO motivator or currency. Neither does my dh or my fricking dog.

I am getting screwed over by EVERYONE in my home.









I just want to quit!

If homeschooling or unschooling aren't working out for you family then I would suggest putting your children in school. It won't hurt your kids and it might help to give you the break you need, especially with a new baby coming. It sounds like you are really overwhelmed right now and you really need to find a way to cut back on all the stress in your life. I know this sounds harsh, but if the dog is a huge burden (and it sounds like it is) then I would try to find it another home. Pets are a big responsibility and from your posts it sounds like you do not need anymore stress added to your life. I hope you are able to get a much needed break. Do you have any family near by that might be able to help?


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## jjawm (Jun 17, 2007)

Yep - get your stuff ready, leave a note with dinner instructions (or pizza $$), and when he walks in, say "I'm feeling like I'm going off the deepend, and I need a break. I'll be back in 2 hours", and DON'T take your cell phone. He'll do fine.


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## *~Danielle~* (Mar 27, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evan&Anna's_Mom* 
First, there is not reason to be ashamed for recognizing your own needs. But now you need to grab those needs and work to get them met. First, everyone else is right. Your kids are old enough to survive 2 hours with daddy. They may whine about it, HE may whine about it, but no one is going to die from it. Do NOT give him a choice. Just do it. It will help you find your center, from which you can then make plans for the future.

Is this just a "today" thing or a long-term thing? It sounds long term. Assuming that, you won't fix it overnight. But you can and MUST fix it. No one is good when you are this unhappy. Whatever benefit you think you are giving your children by being a martyr is being negated by this. So, figure out what YOU want and how to get there.

Do not take these steps until you have had a couple of hours of me time and gotten some sleep. But after that, realize:

Your kids really aren't that little. They are old enough to take some responsibility around the house (well, maybe not the 2 YO). You have to be willing to give it to them, you have to figure out a way to consistantly require it of them, and you have to be willing to stick through the inevitable resistance that will come from this step. So, frankly, is your DH, so come up with a plan for him to do more parenting as well. Figure out what is bothering you most and tackle that baby step. Then keep taking baby steps.

If homeschool is not working, then don't do it. Seriously. I know that lots of people seem to think its a great solution. And for many it might be. It doesn't mean it is the right solution for you and your family. Explore options and think about whether you are actually accomplishing what you thought homeschool would accomplish for you.

There is no shame in re-evaluating and/or in changing directions. There is great harm in growing up with a frustrated, unhappy mommy. If this is more than a short-term response on your part, do something about it!!

And if is just a bad day or two and it will get better if you just have a bath, then figure out how to get that - probably at someone else's house because the kids won't leave you alone in your own!

I could not have said this better myself. My dh doesn't parent willingly either, but last year, I just had to put me first and do what I had to do daily for a couple hours and make him be with the kids. I started exercising and running outside in our driveway (which is super long). He would come out there with the littlest thing and expect me to stop and come and deal with the kids. I finally just said, don't come out anymore. I put my foot down. He sighs and pitches a fit still if I want to do anything, but I just have to ignore it as manipulation. He won't die and the kids love their time with dad...And do not answer your cell phone if he is going to manipulate you into coming home early. Tell him you have to go grocery shopping all by yourself from now on and then stop at the coffee house first for a few...take your own coffee if it is a money thing and just sit quietly or read. Don't answer the cell.

Now I'm going to be having a new baby like you are, and I'll have to start all over again with this, but I'm willing to keep myself sane.

And if you need to try something else, other than homeschooling, do it. I survived public school, most of us did. Yours will too.

The older kids can pick up, clean bathrooms, wipe off counters...and yes they aren't used to it and won't do it totally to your standards...but eventually they will if you are patient.

Hugs.


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## nichole (Feb 9, 2004)

I agree about the homeschooling. I understand that *some* public schools have some problems , and that as a mother I could ideally teach my children better and tailor the curriculum to their needs. However, I know homeschooling is not for me. I will only do it on a trial basis if public school is going very badly. I find parenting so difficult and draining, and I'm going to need that to recharge and find a career. I've given of myself unselfishly for years and I feel that it is time for me to take off my stay at home mom hat, and put on a new one. Staying home with your children until school age is a huge accomplishment. Kudos to having your dance academy. I am very impressed by you! I want a career b/c I think I will feel appreciated if nothing else than by my paycheck that I earn. Then I can afford that housekeeper, right?









Another idea is that I did pay my older son to do some housework the other day. I just paid him a dollar to fold a whole pile of clothes. I desperately want to find a teenager to help for that cheap, so why not my son? They also help me sometimes for free, but they are not very consistent about it. Yesterday I got out the vacuum, and by "helping" the floor stayed dirty, but it was something to do. They also like to "do dishes" especially if I break out the kitchen gloves.

So my house is kind of messy, my kids watch tv, and will be going to school. Sometimes it HAS TO BE just *good enough.* I figure just being a good enough mother is better than the alternative










I have a girlfriend who has a paper plate day every friday. She says it makes her feel sane. Pizza is for dinner and NO EXTRA DISHES are created.

I do a lot of things as a mom I swore I would never do: disposables, fast food on occasion, tv, but you really have to weigh it against the alternative. I do not want to try and do it perfectly and live the next 18 years as a stressed out mess. That is not fair for my children. You have to consider your health and as a result their safety.

One more idea. for now...something else might pop into my head later !! Could you join the ymca? They are very affordable. You could go work out, take a shower, blow dry your hair, put on makeup and feel fabulous while your kids play.

So come back and post tomorrow how your alone time went. We are all rooting for you to stand up for yourself and have your break. At least an hour, outside the house.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

At this point I am not willing to not homeschool. With my schedule, I will NEVER really see my kids.

I work (right now as it changes)
Mon 330-830pm
Tues 330-9pm
Wed 330-845pm
Thurs 330-1030pm (tonight will be 330-830pm)
Fri 330-630pm
Sat all day til dinner

I take with me:
Mon all 4
Tues ds9 and dd7
Wed ds4 and dd2
Thurs all 4
Fri all 4
Sat ds9 and dd7 (if they want to go)

But being that I am in work and they are in dance classes for some of that, I can't really count it as "family time"

So not homeschooling right now would make things worse as I would have to:

1) Get them to school......mornings are not really a good time for me









2) Help with homework after my own work

3) Figure out how to get the kids after school as they would not be done til 4 or 430 and I teach at 330pm

4) I would still have the 2 crazy monsters at home. Honestly, at least the older ones buffer them a bit. The little two are CRAZY when the older two are not there







:









But I do need to find a way to make homeschooling more enjoyable for us all. Thinking...


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nichole* 

So come back and post tomorrow how your alone time went. We are all rooting for you to stand up for yourself and have your break. At least an hour, outside the house.

I won't be able to do this til Fri









I work tonight 330-1030pm with all 4 littles with me







:

I did tell dh that I needed him to switch cars with me and take the kids home at 7pm. We will see what happens.


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## destinybound (Apr 20, 2004)

Although this advice probably seems unhelpful, could you rearrange everything? that is , put them is school, you work (new job) during school hours and maybe dh could pick up more hours if he doesn't want the childcare job(as it seems?) I mean you are homeschooling, working everyday, and have lots of kiddos, something has got to give, I don't know how you do it!!


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *destinybound* 














Although this advice probably seems unhelpful, could you rearrange everything? that is , put them is school, you work (new job) during school hours and maybe dh could pick up more hours if he doesn't want the childcare job(as it seems?) I mean you are homeschooling, working everyday, and have lots of kiddos, something has got to give, I don't know how you do it!!

Problem with "work" is that I own the joint









We do not make enough to hire people to take over my shifts, so for now getting a new job is not really an option.

The only thing would be closing the dance academy all together.


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## honeybunmom (Jan 11, 2007)

Is your husband at home when you take the kids to work with you or does he work nights as well? If he is working but getting home before you, I think he should come and pick up the kids. He doesn't take them to his job, does he?

I WOH. I have 1 child and #2 on the way. It's taken a while and part of it was definitely my fault as I had/have a bit of a tendency to want to control everything and I probably helped dh feel like his help wasn't wanted or needed. In any event we have finally turned the corner and none too soon! The last straw was me coming home from work between 6 and 7 oh, everyday, and there being no signs of dinner being prepared. Even if it was just to reheat left overs. I finally asked if he were working, would he expect to come home and cook dinner? He asked whether I thought that is what he thought. I responded since he rarely had any dinner prepared or reheated, yeah, that's pretty much what I thought when he was asking me what is for dinner and he'd been home with dd since 4pm.

If your dh is at home with no kids when you're at work with kids that is a responsibility that should be shared IMO.

I hope you get - or better yet take - your break on Friday! I have every other Friday off and the Fridays I'm at work, I'm going back to attending knit nights at my LYS since it's close to the office and on the way home.

Hope you're feeling better soon!


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I am going to see if I can find some sewing classes or knitting classes in my area and sign up.

Only God knows how I will pay for it, but at this point.......I don't care!


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
Seriously.....nothing I do is working.

Gentle discipline doesn't work. Strict punishments do not work.

I am getting screwed over by EVERYONE in my home.









I just want to quit!









I know how you feel, believe it or not. Not right at the current moment, and not to the same degree, but there have been so many times where I have felt like running away, where it just feels like even on the best of days, my kids merely grudgingly tolerate me. Not having a husband who is a partner and an ally in life is a huge source of stress, and very demoralizing.


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## AutumnMama (Jan 2, 2004)

If you have a local yarn store give them a call and see if they have (or know of someone who does) an open knitting night.
They are free and it's nice to just hang out with other adults without having to worry about little ones.

Hope you find something to work for you!


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Oh mama, you are so frazzled!

Gentle discipline does NOT equal 'mom is a doormat'.

It sounds like you've been treated like a doormat...and you have to set and enforce some boundaries for yourself to feel (and be) respected.

1. Pick a night and that's mom's night out. Start today. When DH gets in the door, say to him: Dinner is either leftovers or sandwiches. I am leaving for the evening so I can recharge and be a good wife and mother. I will be back at bedtime. Don't leave for an HOUR...leave for four. Your kids are ALL old enough to be with dad for four hours. Drive around, go wander the mall, go sit at a bakery and eat pastries, go to a bookstore, go get coffee, call a girlfriend and go b!tch about this insanity. But GET OUT and GO DO something that has NOTHING to do with your children or husband. Don't answer the cell phone if he calls. JUST GET OUT. Repeat weekly. When baby arrives, take baby with you until baby can be with dad for an hour. Then continue. No negotiations, no arguments. Just YOU making YOU a priority.

2. Regarding homeschooling. When I was pregnant with #4, homeschooling slid. A LOT. Cut yourself some slack and don't sweat it. Network with some area homeschoolers and see if you can find a few classes or playgroups for the kids. At home, hit the library and borrow some educational videos from there. But relax. It will all be ok.

3. Regarding gentle discipline of the kids. Pick ONE area of the house per day. During everyone's "Best Time" (ours is late morning, after snack but before lunch) announce that it is clean up time in this area, and we are all working together as a family to get it done. Period. they can take as long as they'd like, but it needs to get done before ANYTHING ELSE happens. Break for lunch if need be, but tackle it. Let them throw whatever fit they want, but stick with it. They will do it...it might take a bit of perserverance on your part, but don't beg/ask/plead/negotiate. You are all a family and they need to pull together when mom is having a hard time. When the room is done, play with your kids for a little while. Hide and seek is silly, easy, and fun...even when pregnant. So is playdough. Or making cookies. But make time for some fun.

4. Consider adding some MILD structure to the day. You can't go from unstructured to structured and back...that's inconsistent and kids aren't knowing what to expect. Also, don't plan on anything 'working' instantly. It took days/months/years for things to get this out of hand, it isn't going to snap into place in a week. However, you CAN let the oldest know they need to help play with the middle two while you and the youngest take a nap. YOU need the rest, and I'm sure the 2yo could use the snuggles. When you get up from the nap, relieve the 9yo of the younger kids and get everyone a snack while the 9yo works on something educational of their choosing. While the littles are eating, go spend a few minutes paying attention to the 9yo. I know it's a juggling act, but that's the way it goes when we've got lots of kids running hither and yon.

Keep venting, talking, etc here. We all understand how you feel. You are a capable, caring, and loving mama who wants the best for your kids and family. You are giving so much to them that you aren't making yourself the priority. That makes being a mama SO hard. Look in the mirror and remind yourself you ARE an invaluable resource to your family. Clearly they believe they can't live without you!








:
Theoretica


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## honeybunmom (Jan 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AutumnMama* 
If you have a local yarn store give them a call and see if they have (or know of someone who does) an open knitting night.
They are free and it's nice to just hang out with other adults without having to worry about little ones.

Hope you find something to work for you!









Your local libray might host one, too. Or see if there is a local Stitch n' #itch group or if there is a local knitting guild that hosts a knit night.


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
1. Pick a night and that's mom's night out. Start today. When DH gets in the door, say to him: Dinner is either leftovers or sandwiches. I am leaving for the evening so I can recharge and be a good wife and mother. I will be back at bedtime. Don't leave for an HOUR...leave for four. Your kids are ALL old enough to be with dad for four hours. Drive around, go wander the mall, go sit at a bakery and eat pastries, go to a bookstore, go get coffee, call a girlfriend and go b!tch about this insanity. But GET OUT and GO DO something that has NOTHING to do with your children or husband. Don't answer the cell phone if he calls. JUST GET OUT. Repeat weekly. When baby arrives, take baby with you until baby can be with dad for an hour. Then continue. No negotiations, no arguments. Just YOU making YOU a priority.


This is great advice. It's so hard for us hard working mamas to realize that we NEED some space and some time by ourselves. You DON"T need his permission. Just do it.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

You need child or household care help, pronto. Hiring someone to help you could save you. If you don't have money, maybe you could trade someone something.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cujobunny* 
It's so hard for us hard working mamas to realize that we NEED some space and some time by ourselves. You DON"T need his permission. Just do it.

It really is so hard to make happen, I find that when I'm frazzled beyond belief it's usually because I haven't made time for me to be me.

And what sucks is it's so easy to point the finger at DH for not 'helping me' find the time when in reality it's my responsibility to take care of myself, and it's codependent to expect someone else to interpret and take care of me FOR me. How is it that HE is so good at 'finding the time'? Well...prob cause he doesn't really ask permission to make time for himself (which..umm...errr...I *might* get annoyed with occassionally...but that's mostly cause I'm jealous). And, I've found, he doesn't resent it when I do the same. It's almost like he's sitting there thinking...if you (meaning me) need the time to yourself so much then take it already!


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## Dabble (Jun 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 
And what sucks is it's so easy to point the finger at DH for not 'helping me' find the time when in reality it's my responsibility to take care of myself, and it's codependent to expect someone else to interpret and take care of me FOR me.

So, so true! I get so irritated with DH for taking a nap on the weekend sometimes, especially when there is work still to be done (when is there not??). In truth I have the same opportunity to nap (almost, I do have an infant nursling) but rarely take it because "I have to get things done." Then I burn out and get angry and everyone is miserable.

A woman REALLY does need to take care of herself in order to take care of her family. It's an important part of being a good wife and mother.

AngelBee - I hope you are able to find some time for yourself really soon. I like the idea of telling DH that you need to do this in order to be at your best. Remind him of the truth in "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I'm even more worried about you knowing that you have a newborn coming. We all know how intense that time is when there is a new baby in the house. I agree that you may want to look into hiring someone just a few hours a week to help out and definitely get some time to yourself in the time you have before baby #5 comes.


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
He does watch the kids (usually not all at once) sometimes when I am working, but not for me to have any alone time.


That is simply unacceptable. Considering your workload, you need time to yourself. In order for you to get that time, he needs to relieve you from kid responsibilities.

I know you think he is a turd for skipping a meeting and having some beers and a nap, but I think he is setting a great example for you! Put yourself first sometimes. Take advantage of the time you can grab. Relax _hard_ in the time you get, lol.

The holidays are past, but maybe an idea for a birthday or Valentine's day (if you do gifts): my husband's Christmas gift to me was 4 passes to my favorite independent movie theater. That is the gift of 4 Saturday afternoons that I go see a movie _alone_. That is the gift of him worrying about the kids while I take time for myself. And, since it was my Christmas gift from dh, I take those afternoons completely guilt-free. Maybe you could tell him you'd appreciate a gift like that?


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## Dabble (Jun 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
The holidays are past, but maybe an idea for a birthday or Valentine's day (if you do gifts): my husband's Christmas gift to me was 4 passes to my favorite independent movie theater. That is the gift of 4 Saturday afternoons that I go see a movie _alone_. That is the gift of him worrying about the kids while I take time for myself. And, since it was my Christmas gift from dh, I take those afternoons completely guilt-free. Maybe you could tell him you'd appreciate a gift like that?

Awww, what a great, thoughtful gift! And I bet he enjoys the return gift of a happy, well-rested wife!


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

{{{angelbee}}}


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viola* 







I know how you feel, believe it or not. Not right at the current moment, and not to the same degree, but there have been so many times where I have felt like running away, where it just feels like even on the best of days, my kids merely grudgingly tolerate me. Not having a husband who is a partner and an ally in life is a huge source of stress, and very demoralizing.


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## SquishyBuggles (Dec 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 

























You sound like you could really use some support, mama.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Theoretica* 

4. Consider adding some MILD structure to the day. You can't go from unstructured to structured and back...that's inconsistent and kids aren't knowing what to expect. Also, don't plan on anything 'working' instantly. It took days/months/years for things to get this out of hand, it isn't going to snap into place in a week. However, you CAN let the oldest know they need to help play with the middle two while you and the youngest take a nap. YOU need the rest, and I'm sure the 2yo could use the snuggles. When you get up from the nap, relieve the 9yo of the younger kids and get everyone a snack while the 9yo works on something educational of their choosing. While the littles are eating, go spend a few minutes paying attention to the 9yo. I know it's a juggling act, but that's the way it goes when we've got lots of kids running hither and yon.

Keep venting, talking, etc here. We all understand how you feel. You are a capable, caring, and loving mama who wants the best for your kids and family. You are giving so much to them that you aren't making yourself the priority. That makes being a mama SO hard. Look in the mirror and remind yourself you ARE an invaluable resource to your family. Clearly they believe they can't live without you!








:
Theoretica

These have been my top priorities so far.

I chose a lights out and a out of bed time. Period. No questions asked. And when I say out of bed, I mean OUT of bed. Not stretching and delaying the process an hour.

Also trying to regularly remind myself that I am a good mama.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ahappymel* 
I'm even more worried about you knowing that you have a newborn coming. We all know how intense that time is when there is a new baby in the house. I agree that you may want to look into hiring someone just a few hours a week to help out and definitely get some time to yourself in the time you have before baby #5 comes.

The good thing about that time is that I will not be working pretty much at all. And even after that, it will be more low key with baby on me and nursing most the time









My issue then will be taking time to take a shower.









My focus I think will be better too.







:

Right now I guess it is easier to feel sorry for myself because my kids areold enough for dh to assist more with.


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## tallulahma (Jun 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
These have been my top priorities so far.

I chose a lights out and a out of bed time. Period. No questions asked. And when I say out of bed, I mean OUT of bed. Not stretching and delaying the process an hour.

Also trying to regularly remind myself that I am a good mama.



















i think thats the important part.

we are not horrible people for having emotions. we are all here doing our best.


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## Graceoc (Mar 26, 2002)

Quote:

You need child or household care help, pronto. Hiring someone to help you could save you. If you don't have money, maybe you could trade someone something
I agree with this TOTALLY! It sounds like you own your own dance studio? Take advantage of this!!! I am sure you could totally find someone to barter dance lessons for childcare/mothers helper/cleaning work. I own my own business too and was able to barter many things this past year....even a family vacation!!!


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## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

I know everyone always says "you need to get out of the house!" in these situations, but for me, what really helps is getting THEM out of the house. In my case I take them to Grandma and Pop-pops, but if I didn't have that, I'd try to find some other solution - a class for the older ones and a sitter for the younger ones? Just for a few hours once or twice a week. There's nothing more wonderful right now than to have them out of my house so I can do a little cleaning, and then just try and relax a bit - take a shower without anyone coming in and ripping the curtain open, etc. I don't know how you would work this, but is there a way? If you have a dance studio, could you get someone to watch them and play with them in the studio so you could have peace and quiet at home?


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## woodsymama (Dec 29, 2008)

I hope you are feeling better today







:
I felt just like you on New Years Day, I went for a long walk, alone, came back and laid all my cards on the table. Long talk w dh. So far he's been helping more and been more "here, emotionally"
Sometimes you just have to lay it on the line.
Also I am sure being Pregnant has ALOT to do with how you are feeling.
Don't be afraid to ask for help from family members, friends, dh, coworkers - tell them all you need help, your too stressed - youll be surprised how they will come to your side

Melinda







:


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## woodsymama (Dec 29, 2008)

Also, remember that your children only reflect what is going on around them, if you are majorly stressed they are feeling it.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OGirlieMama* 
I know everyone always says "you need to get out of the house!" in these situations, but for me, what really helps is getting THEM out of the house. In my case I take them to Grandma and Pop-pops, but if I didn't have that, I'd try to find some other solution - a class for the older ones and a sitter for the younger ones? Just for a few hours once or twice a week. There's nothing more wonderful right now than to have them out of my house so I can do a little cleaning, and then just try and relax a bit - take a shower without anyone coming in and ripping the curtain open, etc. I don't know how you would work this, but is there a way? If you have a dance studio, could you get someone to watch them and play with them in the studio so you could have peace and quiet at home?

Crazy as it might sound, this might work better. We live with family and I could get them to "watch" them easier if I am "home"







:

We have a mini apartment kind of at my mom's house so this might work.......thinking.....









As you can see......so much for my night out.







Dh was irked that I was 45 mins "late" from work.......as in class ends at 6pm and I was home by about 7pm. HELLO!!! One of my students did not even get picked up until almost 630!







:


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *woodsymama* 
Also, remember that your children only reflect what is going on around them, if you are majorly stressed they are feeling it.

This is what is haunting me the most


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## ellesmama (Aug 11, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
This is what is haunting me the most









I know it is hard. I have been here before. But don't worry too much about the kids. If you are actively working on improving the situation, then they will bounce back as soon as you do and remember even less of it than you do.

If your DH is like mine, he can go through long spells of "a-hoe-ness", especially at times when you need him the most. But he will usually come back to normalness when I do. If this is true, he is probably the last person you want to lean on in times of stress. Focus on getting yourself help and DO NOT dwell on him.

I will pray for you tonight that this passes quickly and you feel peace and gain clarity on your situation.


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## Graceoc (Mar 26, 2002)

I have been thinking more about how you could make some small changes to help.

I have 4 kids - and three of them are the same ages are your oldest. We don't homeschool, but here are some ideas that may work for you.

I would SERIOUSLY consider a gym membership/YMCA. Ours if fantastic. Sometimes when DH is travleing I take all the kids there for an hour and just read a book in the lobby and take a long hot shower. It is a great place. The kids have fun and blow off some enery too. Many have homeschool classes as well so it could be seen as enrichment as well.









I would set up some basic 'House Standards'. My DD (7) and I just came up with ours. Two basic 'Rules' - Treat other how you want to be treated. Keep our home happy and organized. Under each rule we have some specific 'bullet' points about how to do those thing (i.e. speak respectfuly, wait your turn, food in the kitchen, dirty clothing in the hamper). We also talked about what specific consequences would occure when the 'rules' were not followed. For my kids they *need* to know specifically what the expectations and consequences are. It really takes *me* out of the equation when it comes to keeping order - I simply defer to the 'list' which the whole family has helped create and agrees on. We still have issues, but they are more easily resolved now. We are not really that strict, nor are we big on 'punishment' but there are pleny of natural concequences and follow through.

I would also put togher a home routine. Espically with a new baby coming. I know you feel that in some ways it was not be as hard because you won't be working at the studio, but you will still be 'working' full time, and now with very little sleep and someone attached to you at all times. Establishing a bit of routine now would be very helpful. Again, my kids thrive on know 'what comes next'. We keep it loose and add/take away as we feel it is needed. But the basics are there.

For you I may say something like.
1. Out of bed and dressed by XX time. (my kids LOVE having their own alarm clocks!)
2. 'School' time - however you do homeschooling.
3. Lunch.
4. YMCA time - this time of day is my worst, so I would be heading to the gym right about now to get the kids some energy relese and me some down time.
5. Head to work
6. ***DH comes to get kids AS SOON AS HE IS OUT OF WORK!***

Really your DH needs to be giving more responsiblity.


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## OGirlieMama (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
Crazy as it might sound, this might work better. We live with family and I could get them to "watch" them easier if I am "home"







:

We have a mini apartment kind of at my mom's house so this might work.......thinking.....









As you can see......so much for my night out.







Dh was irked that I was 45 mins "late" from work.......as in class ends at 6pm and I was home by about 7pm. HELLO!!! One of my students did not even get picked up until almost 630!







:

It sounds perfectly sane to me, since I was the one who suggested it.







It does sound like that's doable, as long as you make it utterly clear that for whatever time period you agree upon, no one comes into your living space. You could take a nap! Relax! Watch TV! Read! Recharge!

I have a babysitter once a week and I do love going out and doing stuff while she's here, but it's also tiring. The days that are truly awesome and relaxing are the occasional times my parents pick my kids up around noon and bring them back at dinnertime or even after dinner. It's like heaven to be in my house alone for a change!

I hope you get what you need to recharge, wherever that may be.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OGirlieMama* 
but it's also tiring.









Plus...I am a bit of a homebody.









This may be just the trick


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Ok.....I am going to make a pamper kit for myself.









I am going to buy some powdered coffee, a book I really want to read (have a GC), some extras that I like......maybe some Hersey kisses. Every Sun night I am going to spend at least one hour BY MYSELF! I will paint my nails, do a face mask, deep condition my hair........whatever I feel like doing!









And.....that I can afford.









I am also checking into some community ed classes in sewing and knitting/crochetting and going to see if that is a possibility. I already posted on a freecycle type mamas board in MN to see if anyone had any free classes they knew of or would barter for classes.
















Keep the tips coming! They are helping my shape up my self love muscles.







:


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## PreggieUBA2C (Mar 20, 2007)

Thank you Angelbee, for posting and being so transparent. It was very helpful to me to read this thread tonight.

I had a 2 hour-long nasty argument with my dh on the phone tonight (he works overnight tonight and can do this on nightshift). Many wives complain that their dhs don't understand that they just want to be heard and listened to, not have everything 'fixed.' I have the opposite problem; my dh thinks I want to be listened to and then figures his job is done. I even laid it out many any times-- I need you to FIX this, not listen; I would very happy to never ever have this discussion again! After much work, and frustration, expressing that I am not asking for a vacation or a fancy car, or jewelry, but a BASIC NEED like water or food or air, I uncharacteristically coerced him into retrieving his work schedule and writing in the times I will not be home, and he therefore will have to commit to being.

He learned that while it was a major improvement that he took the children out for four hours so I could vomit every twenty minutes or more, and that the time in between when I passed out doesn't count as 'rest,' this was a necessary action moreso than him giving me a 'break' from mothering duties. He wondered why after having thanked him when he returned home with them I would now suddenly be so ungrateful as to be so negative about his efforts to make break-times happen for me.

I am going out twice this coming week- Monday and Thursday afternoons. I am home with our children a minimum of 80 hours per week without a vehicle and in the woods in the winter. We live in a cabin with one bedroom and a dressing room and one big common room (24'x26'). It's cozy and beautiful, but cabin fever is a serious consideration!

Unlike many other dhs, though, my dh had to stay home last year to help because I was/am very ill, and had a baby in that time. He KNOWS what it takes to be home, and he found it completely exhausting even though I was there and still doing more than half of the work (which I reduced to the bare minimum or I wouldn't have been able to do it, and neither would dh have been willing- so NOTHING other than bare essentials).

Now, with this scheduled, my biggest contender is dh's job. If they schedule him for those days anyway (he is in a position where they can change it anytime and call him in at the last minute), he will have to risk being unavailable for my sake. He will have to put my health and well-being ahead of the shift and the $$ he could bring home with it. In other words, he'll have to stop spending it on movies and books and stay home instead. He won't lose his job; this is how it works.

Anyway, here's to all of us taking air and water and food for our souls!







A break!!!







:


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

y'know it is just not worth it to feel bad about how yourself right now. That sort of "overwhelmed" "haunted" feeling just feeds on itself.
You have A LOT going on. I am quite sure I would go completely mad if I was in your shoes. So honestly if you are even keeping your head above water I think you should get a big fat fantastic mama award.
I think you deserve big kudos for liking your kids enough to keep them home from school so you all can be a close family. Sometimes close is hard, we know this right?
Your husband needs more "alone" time with the kids for bonding







thats what I always say. Bonding time with dad is super excellent for mom.
Oh, and doing chores if the kids are gone is completely against the rules.
If I was you I would go to your dance studio with your laptop and a great movie...Make a little nest, turn off the phone and watch an entire move or read for 2 or 3 hours, or nap. I would fully hide and recuperate.
You are a good mama!!! Believe it, say it, do it!! You are just a bit worn out. Your children will be fine, someday they will have children or be preganant and they will come to you and say, "how the heck did you do it mom?? its too hard!" and you will likely have forgotten this moment of despair and cheerfully answer something about how you love your kids.
So give yourself a break, don't worry about the messy house, enjoy your kids in the middle of it all and keep on keepin on!! I am rooting for you!!


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Just tell your DH you're going. Don't ask. Don't give him a chance to talk you out of it. Just tell him, and go. He's their parent, too, and you deserve a break.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
Problem with "work" is that I own the joint









We do not make enough to hire people to take over my shifts, so for now getting a new job is not really an option.

The only thing would be closing the dance academy all together.

If the business doesn't have the cash flow to cover the hiring of employees, you might (after things settle down) seriously consider whether or not it is worth the stress of keeping it open.

I was a business analyst for seven years of my finance/accounting career and I saw many, many small businesses struggle so much. The owners poured their hearts and souls into something they loved with poor financial results. Often they were working 2x as hard for less money than if they would have just had worked as an employee in the same field.

Part of the reason I left that job was it was heartbreaking to see these people struggle. Operating a business is hard work, I can't imagine doing it while raising several children at the same time.

Best of luck, I wish you all the best!


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## jp79 (Aug 5, 2006)

Thank you, Angelbee! I came here with a similar post in mind. (I even have a whiny naughty dog!) Reading through this thread has given me some ideas of things to try.

I agree that DH needs to take more responsibility, but also understand that until he does you're still in a rut. I seriously suggest some alone time. Yesterday, I went out to drop off some movies that we'd rented. When I came out of the store, I got in the car and I just didn't want to go home. I drove around for a while and ended up at JoAnn's where they are having a great sale on patterns. I got home almost two hours later! I walked in the house and the chaos was still there, but so were my son and DP. Nothing had imploded while I was away. And I felt a little better. I tackled the pile of dishes, decluttered the buffet, and watched a little TV. This morning, I see things with a bit more hope.

Hang in there, Mama! Maybe JoAnn's isn't your cup of tea, but find something that is and just do it. DH and kids will be okay.


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## Hesperia (Sep 3, 2007)

You need some time. You NEED it. This is not something to be taken lightly. You need to be good to yourself, or even just allow you to remember yourself to be the best mother you can be.

If your DH can say he is working and have some beers alone and take a nap, then so can you. Tell him you are working extra one day. And leave the children. You cannot be everything, you cannot do everything, but you can do something for yourself.

Try not to think about how you are effecting the children long term, or think past today. You are obviously in a state of stress and pressed to the limit. Take every day as it comes, don't think about tomorrow, don't stress about the mess of the house, don't worry if the kids will ever learn to behave or be quiet or help around the house, they will. Just try to focus on today, don't let yourself be carried away with the stresses of the future that you cannot control. Just let it go Mama.

Hope you find some time to be you. You deserve it.

You are doing AWESOME.







:


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## AngieB (Oct 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
My kids are little







:

Ds9, dd7, ds4, dd2, and Baby #5 coming April 09










Your 9 year old and 7 year old are not that little and they should be helping out around the house! Do you have chores set up for them? My dd is 10 and for 2 years now it's been her job to clean up the bathroom everynight. Ds is 8 and for the last 2 years he has unloaded the dishwasher everynight. They have other chores also, I'm just using these as an example. Do they whine about it, most of the time. Is that my problem, NO! They may whine all they want as long as it gets done.

Here is an example of how I handle it.

me: "dd the bathroom needs to be cleaned up"
DD: "No, I don't want to clean it tonight, why do I have to be a slave...whine..whine...whine."
me: "This is your job, we will be having dessert in a half hour and you may have some when the bathroom is clean."
Dd: "more whine...whine..whine...complain...complain...compl ain" while she is getting the cleaning supplies and cleaning.

In five minutes she is done and over the whining and we can all have dessert or watch the movie, have the book read, go to the friends house...what ever motivation I have used to get her to do the chore.

I know that alot of moms on MDC don't agree with this method but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

Hugs to you, mama. I don't really have anything extra to add... but I just wanted to throw in my support and tell you that I hope you get a break SOON!



Hesperia;13009983
If your DH can say he is working and have some beers alone and take a nap said:


> See, I don't think this is a good idea at all. I think it would only perpetuate dishonesty and resentment. I think OP should be honest about her frustration that he lied about working in order to get some alone time and that she also needs that same kind of alone time, but won't lie in order to get it. FWIW, I think that it's completely inacceptable that he skipped out on work and got to go out and have a nap. And I think the dishonesty and responsibility-shirking needs to be addressed.


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## Ornery (May 21, 2007)

It sounds like you have a good starter plan AngelBee. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow!


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I would put the older two in school, and the 4 year old when he is old enough for K.

I would try to find a way to get something bigger than a mini apartment at your ILs.

I would have a serious sit down talk with dp - outlining what you NEED from him in the way of help and support.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
No.







THat is part of the issue.

Dh skipped a meeting last night to have a couple beers by himself and take a nap.

Meanwhile I took all 4 children (and my fat pregnant self) to work in like -30 degree windchill thinking he was busy at a meeting.

Really he just stayed home and had some "me" time.

I am lucky if I can pee once a day without someone talking to me.









And dh is no help in that department (he helps with cleaning and cooking.....but is not an equal parenting time partner)

Leave him with the kids, before this baby comes. For an extended period(extended weekend). Let him see what its like first, then get him on board as equal partner.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

My house is trashed! And it got like that in less then 24 hours.

I just started throwing their stuff away. If it sat out over a day after I asked for cleanup, it went in the garbage. Even dh. I just bagged up the left out toys and took em to the thrift or freecycled them. They realized pretty quick I was serious about keeping the house tidier and stepped up. They have daily chores and if they didn't do them they missed their activities (ballet, baseball, art class...) and have to reimburse me for the cost of the lesson from their bank accounts. If there is no activity that day then dinner gets made after the chores get done. Kitchen closed until then. I have too many kids to be the overworked slave living in a pig sty she can't keep up with. I want to discipline gently, but not at the price of being angry, overtired and unappreciated. And frankly, if I let the house get trashed, I am more likely to blow my gasket and be less than gentle in my tone and behavior.

So meanwhile, I keep trying to slay the same dragons we have bee ntrying to slay for days, months, and years.


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## homewithtwinsmama (Jan 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
Crazy as it might sound, this might work better. We live with family and I could get them to "watch" them easier if I am "home"







:

We have a mini apartment kind of at my mom's house so this might work.......thinking.....









As you can see......so much for my night out.







Dh was irked that I was 45 mins "late" from work.......as in class ends at 6pm and I was home by about 7pm. HELLO!!! One of my students did not even get picked up until almost 630!







:

The heck with his being irked. Ignore him and go OUT! I don't even prep anymore. He can cook and he can figure it out. If I run around like nuts making is so easy for him to watch them, he doesn't learn what its like to do what I do (or remember, he seems to need regular reminding). I still don't see why you take them to work with you at all if he is home. He is equallly responsible for them. If he is home and you are not then he takes care of them and vice versa.


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## mamaUK (Jul 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngieB* 
Your 9 year old and 7 year old are not that little and they should be helping out around the house! Do you have chores set up for them? My dd is 10 and for 2 years now it's been her job to clean up the bathroom everynight. Ds is 8 and for the last 2 years he has unloaded the dishwasher everynight. They have other chores also, I'm just using these as an example. Do they whine about it, most of the time. Is that my problem, NO! They may whine all they want as long as it gets done.

Here is an example of how I handle it.

me: "dd the bathroom needs to be cleaned up"
DD: "No, I don't want to clean it tonight, why do I have to be a slave...whine..whine...whine."
me: "This is your job, we will be having dessert in a half hour and you may have some when the bathroom is clean."
Dd: "more whine...whine..whine...complain...complain...compl ain" while she is getting the cleaning supplies and cleaning.

In five minutes she is done and over the whining and we can all have dessert or watch the movie, have the book read, go to the friends house...what ever motivation I have used to get her to do the chore.

I know that alot of moms on MDC don't agree with this method but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

Jus wanted to say that this is a great method IMO, I say: You may got outside/have a juice/ or _____________ AFTER you have put away your toys.

It works for us ;-) and gets the job done.


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AngelBee* 
He does watch the kids (usually not all at once) sometimes when I am working, but not for me to have any alone time.

That needs to change. you deserve social time and "me" time as much as he does. Find a prenatal yoga class, or go to a bookstore and read, or something. Anything. Something that will recharge your batteries. As far as the DH goes, there should be no negotiation over this. You're leaving, he's in charge, and the kids better all be intact when you get home. You did mention the words meeting and beer in one post. Not to be too terribly nosey but is he in recovery and attending AA meetings and still drinking or was this simply a work meeting?
In re: to the kids, your older ones are definitely old enough to pick up their own crap and even the 2 year old can pitch in and help. When my kids were younger I instituted what I called the "monday" box. I would give them a few reminders and a time limit for them to pick up there toys. Once the time was up whatever was left on the ground got tossed into the monday box and they didn't get it until the next monday. So if it's tuesday and they lost 1/2 their toys for a week, oh well. There were a few times where I was tested and they were not happy with the results, but they learned quickly to live by the limits I set. In the long run this did a lot to save my sanity.

PS..... visit this site http://www.meetup.com/
there always tons of crafting and knitting and crocheting groups on there and they are free or extremely cheap ( as in toss a couplde of bucks in the basket to cover the cost of the meeting site). It's not a class but i am guessing there would be people there with more experience in this are that would be delighted to teach you and you would get some valuable socializing time as well.


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## Kiddoson (Nov 19, 2001)

couldn't read without posting. we homeschool too. that adds another dimention. could the 2 oldest go to school for a while? at least until new baby comes? Just a thought, obviously we homeschool for a reason.
AND DH needs to step up, i would have a chat with him







s:


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## grassisgreener1334 (Nov 24, 2006)

Not sure if anyone has said this or not yet, but I'd like to add what has worked for me in this type of situation. Whenever I feel aggravated with the way I feel treated, I stop for a moment and just breathe. I take several deep breaths (sounds silly maybe but it really does help) and then I accept how I'm feeling. So often we, as parents, feel that we must live up to self-prescribed standards and if we fail to continually live up to them then it's very easy to feel guilty, ashamed, etc. If you can stop just for a moment, go inside of yourself where your emotions are, and just allow yourself to be with them. It's okay to feel how you are feeling. See how that statement sits with you right now. Do you feel like pushing that statement away, like maybe you're not "good enough" to feel what you are feeling? If so, then continue to simply breathe and go deeply into your emotional state. You may find yourself releasing some of the pain (screaming, crying, yelling, etc.) or you may find yourself trying to resist it even more. Either way is okay...just see if you can sit with them for a little while. You'll be amazed how much clarity can be gained just by doing this very simple act. You might even find yourself discovering solutions. Maybe not "outer" solutions, but, at the very least, you'll probably discover a sense of peace with it all even if you still feel like raging and crying (which is okay)


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## BugMacGee (Aug 18, 2006)

I keep seeing this come up on new posts. I finally clicked on it because I hated my own children last night









I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I feel like I have been there many times. And I only have 2 kids.


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## ktmama (Jan 21, 2004)

Perhaps you can integrate some of what you want your kids to learn (how to clean a room, personal responsibility, time management, work then play) into their homeschooling lessons. Even money management - as in money attached to chores. My own experience is that all of your kids (even the two yo) are old enough to each have some responsibilities in the home. You are in a great position to integrate this learning into their day to day lives and I'm sure there are some great homeschooling resources out there/on MDC that can help you structure your lessons. And, that goes for your dh too. If I were you, I would objectively look at if he's experiencing any natural consequences to his actions. Most moms are really good a picking up the slack for a limited partner. Maybe it's time to let him "strategically fail" and provide some consequences so that you aren't suffering so much. Good luck!


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