# Lost our dear son at full term



## jampoos (Aug 4, 2007)

Dear All,

I have been visiting this site, recommended by my husband, for the last 2 weeks but had not had the nerve to post anything. It is nearing 6 weeks since we lost our son Aryan, at 40 weeks. It was a 'stillbirth', I hate that word as it makes it sound as if our son was an inanimate object.

I keep staring at his picture hoping that he will wake up, and my husband and I talk to him all the time the same way we did throughout the 9 months. It feels good to do that for some reason.

Life is gradually meant to go back into routine mode, and I am dreading going back to work - feel unmotivated and over-whelmed at the same time. I wonder at times how my husband has so much strength - he wasn't even given the 6 weeks!!! And not to mention the consoling he has to do when he gets home! Aryan not being with us just seems so unfair!!!

I am not sure where I am getting at as there are too many mixed emotions. These are strange times and at times we wonder when we will be happy again. Feel guilty even wishing for that!

Mom to Aryan, and wife to a very loving Husband


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## Jenlaana (Oct 28, 2005)

I'm so very sorry for your loss.







There is nothing that I could say that would make your pain less, but I feel for you tremendously and wanted to give you cyber hugs


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## Maluhia (Jun 24, 2007)

Talking may help, journaling but really it is a hard journey that you have to walk through and that is so incredibly hard









I am sending healthy vibes your way - and kudos to a DH who is being so supportive.


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## mmace (Feb 12, 2002)

Big, huge hugs to you - I'm so very, very sorry for your loss...


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I do think you will find a supportive community here.

I think you will gradually find the strength you need to go back to work; you will gain strength from your relationship with your husband. And, yes, someday you will feel happy again. But, as you say, that is hard to imagine right now, and it may not happen for a long time. You may be feeling now as if you will never get over it, and you won't, but you will learn to live with it. I am thinking of you and wishing you the strength you need.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## crazycandigirl (Mar 13, 2006)

So sad.







: I am so sorry that you are going through this. Peaceful healing blessings your way.


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## taylor (Apr 4, 2006)




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## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.


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## robertsmama (Jan 20, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your family's heartbreak. Sending you all lots of warm







and healing warmth. It will never go away, but you will come through this somehow and reach the other side where you can be happy, even while carrying your lost son with you.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

I'm so glad you found the courage to make your first post, Jampoos.
I also hate it when people say I "had a stillbirth" - our beautiful daughter was born still, too.
I found it really hard to go back to work and I went on leave for almost four months. It really helped me that a colleague e-mailed everyone at my company to explain what had happened so I didn't have to field very many of those "what did you have?" conversations.
It is just plain unfair and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We were robbed of our babies.
Mama, DH and I were just talking last night about whether we'll ever really be happy again. We had a nice dinner out with his parents and were laughing and talking. I'm sure they think we're just fine - and they change the subject when we mention our baby -*but we still feel guilty about moments of happiness. I don't know if it will ever go away.
Thinking of you...


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## athansor (Feb 9, 2005)

I'm so sorry







:


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Many hugs to you and your husband.








Aryan.


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## katytheprincess2 (Jun 10, 2004)

Hugs to you mama....I just lost my beautiful daughter at 3 months to SIDS and am so full of grief that I am having a hard time functioning. If you ever need a listening ear I am always here!


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## ChesapeakeBorn (Jun 23, 2007)

I am so glad you found us, jampoos, yet so sad for your loss. Please know that here you can cry, vent, rejoice without judgement. We are here for you.


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## MelanieMC (Jul 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ASusan* 
I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I do think you will find a supportive community here.

I think you will gradually find the strength you need to go back to work; you will gain strength from your relationship with your husband. And, yes, someday you will feel happy again. But, as you say, that is hard to imagine right now, and it may not happen for a long time. You may be feeling now as if you will never get over it, and you won't, but you will learn to live with it. I am thinking of you and wishing you the strength you need.









:

I'm so sorry.


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## sewinmama (May 3, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. I think my dp has been emailing your dh. Anyway, you are lucky to have had a leave. We lost our chloe at 31 weeks, I had her vaginally and only took a week off of work (they were going to heck in a handbasket while I was gone) so since I was feeling pretty well physically, I decided to go back (plus dp has been unemployed since early June and we need the money)

I have used my work as a distraction from thinking of Chloe. I had "major depression" after my divorce and a return would have been a short trip.

I just want you to know that we are thinking about you and your precious little Aryan. We will be sending you as much peace as we can.


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## firemommaof1 (Jul 3, 2006)

I'm so sorry honey... I wish I had words to take away the pain. You poor thing... this is just so sad







:


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## hannybanany (Jun 3, 2006)

I am so very sorry for you loss.


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## dimibella (Feb 5, 2007)

I am so sorry.







s:


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## ~Katrinka~ (Feb 4, 2007)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy.









This is a good place to come when you start to feel that people you know don't really "get it". Everyone here gets it.

Going back to work was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Don't even think about going back before you are ready. If you can take a longer leave of absence and you feel the need to stay away longer, do it.

Don't feel bad for wondering about being happy again. That is something we talked about a lot in our pregnancy loss support group. I know I didn't feel I had the capacity to be happy for a long time after my loss, probably around a month. Gradually, other emotions crept in, and nearly four months later, sadness is no longer my prevailing emotion.

Wishing you peace and healing.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I recently lost my son at full-term, too.

You will never forget Aryan;
I think our grief changes us and
becomes a part of who we now are,
but time helps,
and life does become more bearable again.

Please, feel free to PM me at any time.

Wishing you peace and strength in the days to come.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry about Aryan. I wanted to add my hugs too.









I'm not a big fan of the term stillborn either. There was a woman who had in her signature "born sleeping" and I really liked that when I saw it. It was exactly how I felt when my dd was born, she just looked like a normal little girl sleeping peacefully.

Post anytime you need anything, doesn't matter what. This is the first place I go to when I come to MDC, so much support and love. I cry the entire time but it is a healing cry and I'm remembering my own little girl as I read everyone else's posts. We're all in this together and you aren't alone.


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## starlightsound (Feb 18, 2006)

Be gentle with yourself, Jampoos. It's been four and a half months since our gorgeous son Burke was born (also at full term: 40w5d; he somehow lost oxygen during the long labor and passed away after five days), and there are still days it takes all my energy to get out of the house, let alone go to work and function. Just take each day as they come. You will have good days, bad days and everything in between. The hardest thing for me was accepting that inconstancy, and not feeling guilty for the good days or the bad. They just are what they are.

What a wonderful partner you have!!!

Stick around here; this group of ladies provide awesome support... have you found a local support group? To be honest they didn't work for us, but going to them really helped us figure out *what* we needed...


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## ladybug13 (Oct 29, 2005)

Hi there.

First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've not yet read the other responses but I am sure you have been comforted and given kind words of love and wishes from the other moms here.

I lost my first baby full term in 2002. It's been over 5 years - some days it seems like just yesterday and some days it seems like decades have passed. I guess all I can really offer is just to let you know that everything you are feeling is normal. Please do not feel rushed to "get back to normal" - there is no normal for you. Everything has changed and Aryan's death has impacted every part of your life. Allow yourself time to adjust to how the different parts of your life will now be different. I can promise you that you will grow strong enough to live with this loss as part of your life and yet also feel happiness and joy in life again. I will not lie - the grief sucks and you will forever be on a journey of healing. I know I will never ever be accepting and ok of my daughter's absence in my life but I can feel content with how my life is today and how I have evolved because of my experience. I think the one thing that helped was building a support network of women I met online who had also suffered a loss.

I'm not sure if these have already been shared with you, but here are some other websites that offer resources and online support forums for pregnancy and infant loss:

The MISS Foundation
SHARE

Best wishes to you in your journey. I really hope you are surrounded by supportive friends and family.

If you wish to read more about my daughter Madison, there is a link to her website in my signature (just click on her name).

Sending you strength....


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## jampoos (Aug 4, 2007)

Dear All,

Thank you for all the kind words and support. Visiting this website brings comfort when loneliness creeps in - a feeling i am learning to become friends with. I can't thank all of you enough for the strength.

Getting back to work went well, now what is challenging is to remain motivated enough to continue work. The ambitions seem to have just melted, nothing matters much. But i am sure that will also gradually change as i am a hopeless lover of life and my husband and i do know that Aryan, our dear son, would want us to become more adventerous with life and not less.

Would anyone know when would it be possible for us to plan again, considering it was a full term (40wks6days) C-section. Our doctor says 1 year, largely for emotional reasons. Your experiences would be insightful.

Hugs and Wishes
Jampoos


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## starlightsound (Feb 18, 2006)

If you're physically ok, I don't see why you should have to wait a year. Do you have another appt. scheduled to see your doctor? Maybe ask again about the reasoning behind the one year thing now that some time has gone by. I started charting pretty much right away, just to see how long it would take for my cycles to get back to normal. We began trying again after three months. I didn't have a c-section, though, and I am not familiar about the healing process.

How are you both doing emotionally?


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

I am glad you found this community - these women have been a tremendous support for me in very dark times. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. No one should have to live through the loss of a child. You will feel happy again, but after a loss, happy is redefined. It's different, because we always carry our children with us - all of our children, including those not on this Earth with us. It will take time to figure out how to go on . .. and taking each day, each moment one at a time will help. I am sorry you have to be back at wotk now, but it had to happen eventually, and it is the next step in life, and it sounds as though it might actually help a bit.

As far as when to TTC again, well, that is a very individual thing. You can physically handle another pregnancy in a few months . . . but emotionally, who knows. You will have to face that when you begin to feel ready. And even then . . .well, it so hard.

Take care. Wishing for you peace and strength.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

One year does seem a bit excessive but I don't know your medical history. I can tell you what my doctor told me. I went for my 6 week postpartum appt and brought up the subject of trying again and when it was possible. My dp and I are moving across the country next year and we have a window before that we weren't sure we should take advantage of. She told me that they'll usually recommend 3 months wait but told me my uterus was entirely shrunk back down to normal size so she didn't see any reason I had to wait. However, I didn't have a c-section, but I did deliver at the same time as you, 40 weeks 5 days.

I agree with gretasmommy, how ready you are emotionally is up to you. The doc can tell you a waiting period based on physical stuff (not sure how accurate that is though) but only you will know based on your emotions.

I'm glad that going back to work went well for you. That first step in facing everyone is hard but once it's over, it's over. I hated seeing people for the first time after Calliope's birth and having to explain and see the pain and sympathy in their eyes. It really sucked.

Come back soon and chat with us more. Hugs to you and your family


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I'm so very sorry...we just visited our angels gravesite today and it still hurts to see her headstone and its been over a yr...







:


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

I am so sorry







:


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope that you find much comfort and support here.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I'm so sorry. It's such a hard road but many of us have bee down it and we have survived and thrived. It's not easy though, mama. Wishing you strentgh and peace.


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## granolamom (Sep 30, 2002)

Mama, I am so sorry. so very sorry

My silent born son was born 16 years ago. You will heal but you will alwys be his mama, he will always be your son....

HUgs to you mama


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)




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## Frankiesmom (Nov 26, 2006)

I am so, so sorry for your loss.









Going back to work was very difficult for me too, but it was a nice distraction. After my son died, I was told to wait 3 normal menstrual cycles before TTC again. That seems to be pretty standard. Many recommend 1 year, but that is just for emotional reasons, your body should physically be ready after 3 normla cycles.


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## sweetboysmama (Sep 1, 2007)

Dearest Mamas (and yes you _are_ Mamas, nothing will change that unless you want it to) I am so so sorry. It does feel like we've been robbed. It's been almost four years for us. I remember thinking the Universe had made a horrible mistake and someone would show up at the front door any moment and tell us she was ok afterall and we could go pick her up.

I remember feeling some comfort hearing about others who had gone through the same thing, knowing we hadn't been singled out to suffer this alone. I hope you can find some comfort here with all of us. We Mamas who have lost babies and children are all connected to each other through our love, grief, and strength.

One thing we did was talk about her...the pregnancy, her birth, who she looked like, anything. It's not enough and it's not fair, but these are the things we have of our beautiful babies. Loving and cherishing those precious few memories still makes me feel close to her.

My heart is with all of you
Mommy to Adelaide Penny born still 10/29/2003
Mommy to Oskar William born 4/17/2007


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## Genesis (Jan 8, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## pumpkinhead (Sep 15, 2003)

I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be enduring







:.

I know that most health professionals will reccomend you wait at least 12 months to become pregnant again after a c/s, but I think this is very individual. When you are ready, I think that some research and some chats with your health care providers might help you in this journey.

What was your sweet boy like? What colour was his hair? I'll bet he was perfect.


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## O_Mama (Jan 5, 2006)

Jampoos,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.
Wishing you healing thoughts in your journey.

I wanted to respond to your question of 'trying again'. Our first son was stillborn at 40 W, 6 Days in September of 2003. I had a c-section with him and became pregnant 3 months later. I only had one cycle. I do believe the year is more for working through the emotions. But pregnant again soon after or not, it's still complex, difficult, hard, awful...like another poster said - there is no 'normal' going forward. It's all new.

I remember my Dr. talking to me as I lay in the hospital about trying again and his suggestion was 3 months. It seemed like forever to me! In my mind, I just couldn't wait any longer than that. I did heal well physically from my first c-section. I was so focused on healing my body and trying to get it 'ready' to become pregnant again.

I have had 2 healthy children since then. My daughter was born in August 2004 - 11 months after my son died. (She was a few weeks early-but very healthy).

Just wanted to let you know there is hope and follow your heart if it says you can't wait a year to try again.

Healing thoughts your way...


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## LeahC (Sep 10, 2007)

I am so very sorry. I wish I could take away the crushing pain you are experiencing right now.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

s mama


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## unityco (Jan 17, 2007)

Sorry for your loss.

Just wanted to add on the TTC front. If you think you'd like to have your next baby vaginally, you may want to leave 24 months between births (that would mean you could try again 14 months after Ayran's birth.) That spacing allows for secure healing of the scar on your uterus and further reduces the small chance of rupture in future pregnancies. It would probably also make it easier to find a care provider that will support a VBAC.

Just some info... do with it what's right for you.

Take good care


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## heidsz (Mar 2, 2006)

I just wanted to say sorry for your loss. I just lost my son Chase at 38 weeks July 16th. I so know your pain. It is the hardest thing to go through. If you ever want to email me please feel free to do so, [email protected] . This board and silientgrief.com have been life savers. Many people feel sad for us and were great, but now that it is almost 2 months past, I think people just forget that the pain is still real for me. It is more bearable right now, but I still feel like a "hole" is in my heart. And now starting to think about fertility treatments again is a little more stressful, but I know I want to go through having a baby again.

My reproductive doctor is going to help me get pregnant 4 months out. My OB agrees with this, just because I am 35 and we also had fertility issues to begin with. I would ask your OB what he suggests, it seems like alot of doctors say 6-12 months.

Take care,
Heidi


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## jampoos (Aug 4, 2007)

Dear All,

Once again thank you for the support through these challenging times. Someone in one of the posts had mentioned that the 3rd and 4th month after a loss are really bad. I can't agree more. Last month has been a complete roller-coaster ride where it seems the ride is about going lower and lower - where the few momentary highs seem almost superficial and dramatic.

One of my best of friends, for almost 19 years, who also happens to be my brother's wife is scheduled to deliver (voluntary C-section after our traumatic experience) around the 5-7th November, and she is now in our home town where I had returned to as well for my delivery and to be with my folks. Anyhow my folks are again involved in the upcoming delivery just 3-4 months after mine (stillbirth at 40wks-5 days) and the atmosphere at home is just the same as it was before Aryan was still-born. Its just that the preparations and excitments are not for my child, he is gone! I am crying as I write this as my heart breaks at every stage where I have to tell my heart - that Aryan is not going to be with us. I am happy for my brother, friend and my folks but I am also very angry that Aryan is not here - and this anger prevents me from talking to them or being a part of their excitement, though they are most sympathetic to our emotional state. I almost hate them and want to disown them because I don't have the strength to handle all this. I just want to cry out loud.

Please advice if this is not normal and if I should go see a counsellor. I know I don't hate my folks, brother or friend but when its their voice on the other end of the phone I get this anger in me which throws me off in the midst of a perfectly pleasant day.

Thank you again for listening to my ramblings and being there.
Hugs
Jampoos


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## sweetboysmama (Sep 1, 2007)

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think your reaction and your anger is a perfectly normal response.

Our dd was born still at 39 weeks. I couldn't participate in the happiness of our friends who were having babies either. Especially if people were having girls, I couldn't even meet them. I was so angry that they got to have there babies and I didn't get to have mine. It is so unfair that this happens. I remember thinking that the universe must have made a mistake, that this couldn't be the way it was suppose to be.

I know and understand that you don't hate your family. Anger is normal. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.


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## zoie2013 (Mar 31, 2007)

Anger and avoidance is normal. If your relationship with them worries you, ask someone you care about to just pass along to them that you need time and space to heal, so you don't have to have any guilt or worry as far as they are concerned. Then, get back to the business of grieving/healing or whatever you need to do/be







Sending thought your way.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

You sound normal. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this.









As for seeing a counselor - if you think you would benefit from it, then by all means, go for it. Please don't feel like you're abnormal though.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

You sound like a grieving mama. Your family shouldn't expect anything from you at this incredibly difficult & emotional time for you & DH. I think it's normal to feel anger or resentment. I too had a loss, not a stillbirth so I can't imagine your pain, but I know it felt as though the world crashed in on me to hear about friends' pregnancies when my angel was gone. You take as much time as you need to try and sort it out, if you feel you need a couselor, then see one; whatever will help you the most. Sending you lots of healing & peace


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss.

Huge huge hugs to you mama.

Love and prayers,


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## sushifan (Jun 20, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss.







:


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## Iris' Mom (Aug 3, 2007)

I'm so sorry.


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