# I'm floored and sad. **UPDATE #92**



## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

I suggested we get together w/ some friends tonight. They declined because, according to her text, "I am very sorry but dh and I both get very uncomfortable when you are breastfeeding while dh is in the same room, so to not inconvenience you, it's better if we don't go."

I'm floored. I'm hurt. I'm... just...









I texted back, "Oh. Ok. I'm sorry you're uncomfortable. It's not my intent to flash. I apologize for that. The shirt I wore the other day was problematic for sure."

I had a nursing tank underneath, but the top of the shirt over it was a big pain and made it look like I was exposing way more than usual.

Either way...

That last time my nursing came up as an issue, a girl was overheard saying that I "just flopped it out there!" I asked the hostess about it later and she told me that apparently her dh (host) and another guy got flashed.

I just... I just want to cry and hide and never go anywhere!

It's not on purpose! I'm feeding my baby! Look away if it bugs you!


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## Serenyd (Jan 6, 2008)

What a bunch of jerks. I woudn't want to bf in front of them anyway. Isn't there another room you could go in to bf? Or maybe you just need to make some new, crunchier friends who aren't so easily offended.


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## Murihiku (Oct 2, 2008)

I am SO sorry you have such insensitive friends!!!! How absolutely horrible!!







:


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## 3pink1blue (Jun 23, 2008)

its hard, but don't take it personally. Instead of seeing it as YOU with the problem, its THEM. think about all the tons of other times you have nip'd, has anyone said anything? looked at you weird? probably not. Look at it that way. If you nurse in a mall, probably a hundred people walked by, and if you did that once a week - well, statistically, not too many people have an issue with you nursing. that's how i look at it, anyway.


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## WeasleyMum (Feb 27, 2007)

These folks need to get over themselves. It's not like you're trying to seduce your friend's DH by feeding your child in front of him.


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

Look at it this way, though -- at least they let you know what their problem was instead of just cutting you off with NO explanation -- that would be way harder.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
I suggested we get together w/ some friends tonight. They declined because, according to her text, "I am very sorry but dh and I both get very uncomfortable when you are breastfeeding while dh is in the same room, so to not inconvenience you, it's better if we don't go."

I'm floored. I'm hurt. I'm... just...









I texted back, "Oh. Ok. I'm sorry you're uncomfortable. It's not my intent to flash. I apologize for that. The shirt I wore the other day was problematic for sure."

I had a nursing tank underneath, but the top of the shirt over it was a big pain and made it look like I was exposing way more than usual.

Either way...

That last time my nursing came up as an issue, a girl was overheard saying that I "just flopped it out there!" I asked the hostess about it later and she told me that apparently her dh (host) and another guy got flashed.

I just... I just want to cry and hide and never go anywhere!

It's not on purpose! I'm feeding my baby! Look away if it bugs you!



















Honestly, they probably would have reacted the same way if you had covered with a blanket. Remember this is about them...not you!

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. You're doing a great thing! Keep it up mama!


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## MountainMamaGC (Jun 23, 2008)

Thats sucks. I am sorry they did that to you. I think i would end the friendship over it, but thats just me.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I am sorry.


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## lactivist (Jun 14, 2005)

I am pretty sure that would be a deal breaker for me.







I am so sorry you are being treated this way. It seems so immature and ridiculous. Do they not go to R rated movies because of skin showing? Do they not go to the beach? It is definitely their problem if they can't put aside thier "discomfort" for the sake of a healthy baby.









My breasts are really large and there is definitely some times when I can't help but flash people especially when the baby is popping on and off. I would be really hurt and angry if "friends" couldn't understand that I am just feeding my baby.

Wendi


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Wow, most guys are thrilled to get a glimpse at some boobage. Humph. Spoilsports.

I'm so sorry you're feeling self conscious now! You didn't do ANYTHING wrong! Hmmm...you could offer him a blanket to cover his head if it bothers him?

Oh there I go again....being snarky....oops....

I'm impressed you handled it with such decorum. I tend to get a little snotty in those situations and it wouldn't have helped ME look good at all.

Nurse away mama, and I hope you are able to find some friends who have established immunity to rectal corncobitis in the future









Bellevuemama


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## Materfamilias (Feb 22, 2008)

That's a drag. I've got a few friends who get very uncomfortable at the very mention of breastfeeding. One of them is just very, very "modest" for lack of a better term. She's one of those ppl who get freaked by any mention of bodily functions. She does try to be supportive, though. It's tough. Another friend's dh was OK with me feeding dd right next to him covered up with my sweater, but then told me how disgusted he was by a relative who did not cover at all when she fed her kids. Who knows?? I think they're all weird!


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Serenyd* 
What a bunch of jerks. I woudn't want to bf in front of them anyway. Isn't there another room you could go in to bf? Or maybe you just need to make some new, crunchier friends who aren't so easily offended.

At their house I do go elsewhere, but the event she is referring to happened in MY HOME!


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bellevuemama* 
Wow, most guys are thrilled to get a glimpse at some boobage. Humph. Spoilsports.











Maybe he went "hey, she has some nice boobies" to his wife and the wife went "OH HAIL NO, WE ARE STAYING AWAY TILL SHE WEANS!"


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## Logan's mommy (Jan 19, 2007)

When we have friends (mostly dh's friends) over I usually drape a blanket around us, so that if ds2 pops off a lot (which he has been doing a lot lately) they won't get an eye-full and no one will have to be embarrassed.

It really sucks they are not bf-friendly







It makes me sad for you. I don't have many friends, maybe 3-4 really close ones, but thankfully they all bf'd their babies, so I don't have to worry about them having a problem with it. Could you maybe talk to them and see why it makes them so uncomfortable? And then if you want to continue the friendship, see if they would be more comfortable if you covered up or something?

I hope you're able to figure something out. Sending a big







your way.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Oh, how hurtful -- I'm so sorry.









I would be so hurt if a friend said that to me, that I'd have a hard time being around them anymore. Not as punishment or anything, it'd just be really tough for me to get over the hurt, and to reconcile a person I thought of as a caring friend with such a thoughtless, ignorant comment.


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## calebsmommy25 (Aug 23, 2008)

OH...







I am so sorry you have such insensitive, non-supportive friends! I had an incident a couple of weeks ago at one of my friends houses. I was helping cook in the kitchen and my babe was hungry, so I sat down and fed him. My cousin looks at me and says, 'oh...(uncomfortably) I thought you were going to give him a bottle.' Me, 'No, he doesn't really take bottles that often, there is no need when I'm around and plus that pumped milk is saved for when I'm not around. It is too hard to produce it to waste it on times when I'm with him' She gets up and has to get something out of the car! I actually found it kind of funny. I am curious to see how the holidays go when I feed my babe around some family and friends that I do see that often.

Don't be ashamed to feed your babe. Honestly, it sounds it is your friends problem, not yours. If her DH is going to look your way, than that is his fault. She should be more concerned with why he is looking your way and examine why it makes them uncomfortable. They should be so lucky to be in the presence of such a beautiful, natural relationship between Mama and baby!


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## seastar311 (Apr 10, 2008)

I'm sorry your feelings got hurt, but at least your friends were trying to be honest with you. Is there another way they could have said it that would have been better?


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

And yeah, I feel all self conscious and weird and otherwise uncomfortable.







This is definitely going to affect our friendship and not in a good way.

I'm just so .... Where did this come from??? You know?

I don't feel comfortable with them at all anymore. In someone else's home, I will go w/ whatever they prefer. But in my house? No. You can put a blanket over YOUR head.

I can't believe this is from ppl I considered GOOD friends. I'm so hurt. A little bit angry, but more sad than anything. And embarrassed.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talk de jour* 









Maybe he went "hey, she has some nice boobies" to his wife and the wife went "OH HAIL NO, WE ARE STAYING AWAY TILL SHE WEANS!"









LOL No. The wife paid for her D's. It works for them QUITE well.


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
LOL No. The wife paid for her D's. It works for them QUITE well.



















Maybe she's jealous that she might not be able to BF, then.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *seastar311* 
I'm sorry your feelings got hurt, but at least your friends were trying to be honest with you. Is there another way they could have said it that would have been better?

Well, maybe if she hadn't included herself in it? We've had the conversation before. She has always said it's great to breastfeed and has seemed really supportive. I KNOW her dh is uncomfortable, so at their home I go elsewhere or grab a blanket. But in my home, I don't even THINK about it. It's my house. I don't keep random blankets around just in case someone gets weird over it.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *talk de jour* 









Maybe she's jealous that she might not be able to BF, then.

She got them between kids and bf both for a few mos.

(Darn. We're just not finding any logical reason!)


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## seastar311 (Apr 10, 2008)

Yes, that must be very confusing to suddenly hear that she is uncomfortable with it after all this time. If this is true, it's too bad she couldn't have told you before. If she's just siding with hubby, that's also a shame.









Good thing they're staying home if he/she/they can't deal with it.


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

So that's why you're "sad." Want me to rough her up for ya?









Seriously though...eh. You know better. Let it go, not worth the energy. I lub u!


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## dogmom327 (Apr 19, 2007)

I vote that their issues likely stem from their own issues with sexuality. If it really is the guy that's uncomfortable, then it could stem from being uncomfortable with the reality check of a woman using her breasts to feed her children (perhaps this is part of the reason his wife only BF for a few months). If it's really the woman who's uncomfortable, perhaps she thinks her husband is viewing you sexually?

Either way, it's their issue, not yours!


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## smanore (Sep 14, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
I just... I just want to cry and hide and never go anywhere!

It's not on purpose! I'm feeding my baby! Look away if it bugs you!









Oh, I'm sorry. Don't feel that way. Come on over to my place. All the men in my home (husband and grown sons etc) wouldn't bat an eye at it. They would understand what you're doing (nourishing your baby). Plus, I've never seen them turn away from a breast -lol- sorry. I just had to break the tension with a little humor.
I second the post that suggested finding other more like-minded friends. It's not that you can't be friends with this couple, just that you might not be as comfortable around them now for a while.
I'd strongly suggest you discuss this openly with them, couple to couple, to clear the air. Not over the phone, computer, or text messaging, but in person. And also be sure to have everyone present. You never know what a little brainstorming might do. Perhaps you can come up with a solution that fits well for everyone. Besides, open communication might actually bring all of you closer together as friends. If all else fails, they might revisit this discussion at a future date when they have a baby that needs to feed. Being nice and open with them might be just the thing they need to later say, "We're so sorry we were such jerks back then." You can smile and say, "Oh you just didn't know any better then." Hold your head up mama, you're doing a great thing. Hugs


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smanore* 
Come on over to my place. All the men in my home (husband and grown sons etc) wouldn't bat an eye at it. They would understand what you're doing (nourishing your baby).

ITA, my DH and my 15 yo son wouldn't even bat an eye. It's all in how they are raised!


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *seastar311* 
Yes, that must be very confusing to suddenly hear that she is uncomfortable with it after all this time. If this is true, it's too bad she couldn't have told you before. If she's just siding with hubby, that's also a shame.









Very confusing! And while I understand siding w/ one's partner, I would never do that if the shoe was on the other foot.

Quote:

Good thing they're staying home if he/she/they can't deal with it.
Yeah. I don't think I even really want to be around them anyway now.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smanore* 
Oh, I'm sorry. Don't feel that way. Come on over to my place. All the men in my home (husband and grown sons etc) wouldn't bat an eye at it. They would understand what you're doing (nourishing your baby).

Thanks.









Quote:

Plus, I've never seen them turn away from a breast -lol- sorry. I just had to break the tension with a little humor.










Quote:

I second the post that suggested finding other more like-minded friends. It's not that you can't be friends with this couple, just that you might not be as comfortable around them now for a while.
Yeah. I thought we were like-minded. I guess not so much...

I have a hard time finding like-minded, crunchy-ish ppl in our area. And I'm not looking for a complete hippie! Just someone who doesn't get weird about nursing. You know?

Quote:

I'd strongly suggest you discuss this openly with them, couple to couple, to clear the air. Not over the phone, computer, or text messaging, but in person. And also be sure to have everyone present. You never know what a little brainstorming might do. Perhaps you can come up with a solution that fits well for everyone. Besides, open communication might actually bring all of you closer together as friends.
They're definitely not the type. And they're not having any more kids. And I don't know how I could ever bring this up even casually. It would be too hard to mention it without feeling sad or angry or showing some kind of distaste.


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## Leisha (Jan 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
I suggested we get together w/ some friends tonight. They declined because, according to her text, "I am very sorry but dh and I both get very uncomfortable when you are breastfeeding while dh is in the same room, so to not inconvenience you, it's better if we don't go."

I'm floored. I'm hurt. I'm... just...









I texted back, "Oh. Ok. I'm sorry you're uncomfortable. It's not my intent to flash. I apologize for that. The shirt I wore the other day was problematic for sure."

I had a nursing tank underneath, but the top of the shirt over it was a big pain and made it look like I was exposing way more than usual.

Either way...

That last time my nursing came up as an issue, a girl was overheard saying that I "just flopped it out there!" I asked the hostess about it later and she told me that apparently her dh (host) and another guy got flashed.

I just... I just want to cry and hide and never go anywhere!

It's not on purpose! I'm feeding my baby! Look away if it bugs you!










Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
At their house I do go elsewhere, but the event she is referring to happened in MY HOME!

Wow how rude/sad/unbelievable/immature/weird... of them









I agree... can't they just LOOK AWAY?!







:

And I don't know if I agree with saying that it's good that they were honest about it... because now you just feel uncomfortable over something you totally shouldn't feel uncomfortable about!
I would be very hurt/upset too if one of my friends acted like this.







:

Pfff breast are so over-sexualized that "flopping it out there" (or accidentaly showing some breast/nipple while nursing your baby) is like doing a nude pole dance on the dinner table or something









Also, if she had breast surgery, I'm guessing she has maybe always (or for a long time) had a bad "relationship" with her breasts (thinking they are not big enough, maybe even kind of obsessing over it etc) and just cannot see them as something totally normal, nothing to worry about, something _good_ , especially in their natural state and doing what they're meant for...
Ehm I don't know if I'm making sense, it's almost 2am here


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## Family4Christ (Oct 4, 2007)

I'm sorry! Gosh, that's pretty insensitive of them. I have big breasts too and short of using my homemade bra, there's no way I could be discrete. I'm sorry that happened to you!

Quote:

Nurse away mama, and I hope you are able to find some friends who have established immunity to rectal corncobitis in the future








: Oh gosh, I just cracked up on this one!


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## happyhousewife06 (May 26, 2008)

wow! this is part of the reason that I think twice about NIP and I am not a shy person... I just know that should anyone ask me or tell me to stop that I might just smack the crap out of them.

I would cut that friend off fast!


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Leisha* 
Also, if she had breast surgery, I'm guessing she has maybe always (or for a long time) had a bad "relationship" with her breasts (thinking they are not big enough, maybe even kind of obsessing over it etc) and just cannot see them as something totally normal, nothing to worry about, something _good_ , especially in their natural state and doing what they're meant for...
Ehm I don't know if I'm making sense, it's almost 2am here









That does make sense. She was flatter than an A cup before she had surgery. And she has told me she and her dh have issues in the bedroom. (She has lowered libido due to some of her medications.)

I've often used the line that Jesus was breastfed AND a UC and if it's good enough for him, then it's good enough for us. (My youngest was UC.)


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WeasleyMum* 







These folks need to get over themselves. It's not like you're trying to seduce your friend's DH by feeding your child in front of him.

Some women really seem to believe that...and maybe some men too, you know? It seems incredibly egotistical, and yet I've heard of it happening. Women who believe that other women are trying to attract their husbands, men who believe if a woman exposes her breast, that on some level she is doing it on purpose for the sake of titillation.

I wonder if like on some primal biological level if maybe men _were_ attracted to women who could breastfeed successfully as a sign of fecundity and survival of the species and all that junk.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Viola* 
Some women really seem to believe that...and maybe some men too, you know? It seems incredibly egotistical, and yet I've heard of it happening. Women who believe that other women are trying to attract their husbands, men who believe if a woman exposes her breast, that on some level she is doing it on purpose for the sake of titillation.

I actually know a guy like that. I'd forgotten about it, but he would comment whenever I nursed my dd (now 7, nursed till 2y 9m). And dh was bff's w/ the guy for ages. (Finally parted ways and we've long since matured!)

Quote:

I wonder if like on some primal biological level if maybe men _were_ attracted to women who could breastfeed successfully as a sign of fecundity and survival of the species and all that junk.
Interesting thought. Quite possibly true.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

I'm so sorry. That sounds really uncomfortable.

How old is your baby? Since she breastfed and all that, I wonder if she's uncomfortable because of the age of your babe? Obviously people get more uncomfortable with a 3 year old nursing than a 3 mo, if you kwim? I know lots of people are even uncomfortable with a kid that is close to a year nursing.... Just trying to come up with a reason...

i really think that'd be a deal breaker for me, though...


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## MrsAprilMay (Jul 7, 2007)

I'm sorry she made you feel that way, mama. I feel so sorry for people who can't see nursing as just a way to feed a baby and not a strip show.

I think that the issue lies with her. Maybe a combination of things (her body image, libido, possible marriage problems) has lead her to feel threatened by you. Maybe it has nothing to do with nursing at all and she just used it as an excuse.

Whatever her reason, rest assured that it is HER reason and not YOUR problem. You nurse your beautiful babe to your hearts content and find a friend that deserves to be in company with such a great mama!


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Juvysen* 
I'm so sorry. That sounds really uncomfortable.

How old is your baby? Since she breastfed and all that, I wonder if she's uncomfortable because of the age of your babe? Obviously people get more uncomfortable with a 3 year old nursing than a 3 mo, if you kwim? I know lots of people are even uncomfortable with a kid that is close to a year nursing.... Just trying to come up with a reason...

I wondered this, also. He just turned 13 mos and is, obviously, more wiggly than, say, a 3 mo old.










Quote:


Originally Posted by *MrsAprilMay* 
Maybe it has nothing to do with nursing at all and she just used it as an excuse.

This is what I fear. I'm sitting here thinking, "It's because ds1 has Asperger's syndrome and can be a handful. It's because another friend of hers and I don't get along. It's because I part my hair on the side and spin 3 times under a full moon while wearing a tutu and spraying glitter everywhere..."









Quote:

Whatever her reason, rest assured that it is HER reason and not YOUR problem. You nurse your beautiful babe to your hearts content and find a friend that deserves to be in company with such a great mama!
Thanks. Everyone keeps telling me this. I know it's true! I know! Good reminder, though.

I've never had anyone tell me anything about nursing, though! Not friends, anyway.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
It's because I part my hair on the side and spin 3 times under a full moon while wearing a tutu and spraying glitter everywhere.

You do this TOO????

I lose more friends that way







:


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## milosmomma (May 9, 2007)

I understand what people are saying about it being good that she was honest about her reasons, but I think that a "No Thanks" would have sufficed. Is she planning to never see you again until you wean? That's a little crazy. And, even in this age of technology, if it was really an "issue", a text message is not a particularly mature way to address it.

I agree with all the PP's. This is THEIR problem....not yours.

Just keep thinking this: You are doing a beautiful and incredible thing. YOU are producing milk to sustain your child and YOU are giving your milk to that child (no middle man!). How on Earth could anybody NOT be in awe of that????


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bellevuemama* 
You do this TOO????

I lose more friends that way







:

Maybe THIS is her problem and I should wear a bra when I do that...


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

I would have gotten so annoyed and said:

"Okay, how about I text you back in a few years when DS has weaned so we can hang out again without you having to be all offended about me trying to nourish my child."


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
She got them between kids and bf both for a few mos.

(Darn. We're just not finding any logical reason!)

Oh ffs. Then she is just being a weird uptight b****.









Well, I have NO dc yet and to be super honest, I don't want to see anybody's boob unless I ask to (I mean, like, if I'm watching a R movie or somethin', not just running the streets saying "SHOW ME YER BOOB" rofl) ... but when it's in a baby's mouth I just see "feeding device." Not "sexual device." It's a totally different "sight" to me. I dunno why some people are incapable of making that distinction.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

wouldn't a "true friend" tell you this in person rather than a text message.


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
At their house I do go elsewhere, but the event she is referring to happened in MY HOME!

Maybe you should send them a nice note and sign it "I'll call you in a few of years when we've weaned."

Just kidding, that's my vindictive side coming out.


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## SUOMI-SOFIA (Dec 7, 2008)

I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I know how heartbreaking & strange it can make you feel. We don't live in a bf'ing friendly culture in the US. Most of my friends were formula users, but are very supportive. I was in a parking lot at the mall feeding my daugher in the privacy of my car & 2 little girls & their mom walked by & the little girl looked and I smiled & then I heard her yell "Gross" - I was mortified & so devastated that that little girl already hated such a beautiful part of her body & womanhood. Keep bf'ing - it needs to be seen to become accepted. And what's wrong with a little flashing anyway - half the girls I see running around have all but their areolas hanging out of their wonderbra's & their thongs sticking out of their pants! Perservere sister! Tanja







:


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## Beppie (Oct 24, 2005)

our culture is so messed up. what are breasts there for anyway? I hate how (some) men just think breasts are for them alone. And some women just go along with that, too. I get so annoyed just thinking about it! ARGH!


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## MaryJaneLouise (Jul 26, 2005)

I think the fact that she got breast augmentation surgery explains a lot. Both she & her DP are way oversexualizing your breasts. Sorry to hear this







:.


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## debbieh (Apr 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
I've never had anyone tell me anything about nursing, though! Not friends, anyway.









I too am sorry that you were made to feel sad about nourishing your little one. I have to wonder tho, how she can be a good friend to you, and make you feel this way. Friends are supposed to support each other. I had a "good friend" who I supported in anything. But when it was time to offer ME that support, she wouldn't/couldn't. Maybe you are a better friend to her than she is to you.
When I was nursing dd1, some 33 years ago, my MIL and her husband came to our house for Christmas. My dd was 2 weeks old. I was sitting in the chair nursing her when they got there. She said in a rather cold, unfriendly voice, My goodness! Can't you DO THAT somewhere else? Tommy (her husband's name) doesn't want to see THAT!" (saying "THAT" as if it were something nasty). Before I could say anything, her husband said, "leave her alone! She's feeding our granddaughter. I would think you would be proud to see that." I then told her that if it bothered her, she could go sit in the kitchen, but I would not take my dd into another room to eat, IN HER OWN HOUSE.
Some people just have no concept of the fact that nursing a child IS NOT sexual. You keep feeding your little one. If she's a true friend, she'll call and apologize for acting like that.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Your baby's need to eat is more important than "not offending adults." If they were true friends, they wouldn't destroy a friendship over this. Hopefully, they'll come around in a few days and apoligize- but if they don't, it's really not much of a loss.

Is this the first they've said anything about being uncomfortable with your nursing? I'd think the first step would be to politely ask you to try to be more discreet.

Obviously, their values are very different from yours or they'd put their own discomfort second to the baby's needs, and prioritize "seeing you and spending time with you" over "the possibility of being a little uncomfortable during feeding time." I remember my FIL used to completely face the other direction when he realized I was nursing his granddaughter(s)- but he still came to visit a lot! He was so glad to hold the baby as soon as feeding time was over!


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bellevuemama* 
Wow, most guys are thrilled to get a glimpse at some boobage. Humph. Spoilsports.

I'm so sorry you're feeling self conscious now! You didn't do ANYTHING wrong! Hmmm...you could offer him a blanket to cover his head if it bothers him?

Oh there I go again....being snarky....oops....

I'm impressed you handled it with such decorum. I tend to get a little snotty in those situations and it wouldn't have helped ME look good at all.

Nurse away mama, and I hope you are able to find some friends who have established immunity to *rectal corncobitis* in the future










Bellevuemama

that is hilarious! lol.

i would have had a hard time not being snarky to them. i would have prob wrote back something snotty myself.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MaryJaneLouise* 
I think the fact that she got breast augmentation surgery explains a lot. Both she & her DP are way oversexualizing your breasts. Sorry to hear this







:.

Yeah, probably so.

He also comes from a very uptight family, so I'm sure that adds to it.

I'm still feeling so sad this morning. I have anxiety and this is REALLY tearing up my stomach.


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## rivkah (Oct 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MaryJaneLouise* 
I think the fact that she got breast augmentation surgery explains a lot. Both she & her DP are way oversexualizing your breasts. Sorry to hear this







:.

I tend to agree. There are issues here. I am so sorry that is may cause you to lose a friend. But with friends like that.....

The thing I don't understand is being so intolerant. I have friends who do and say all sorts of things I don't agree with or I wouldn't choose, and sometimes they make me uncomfortable. (bottle feeding babies, having annoying marital arguments in front of me, leaving the television on all day, driving absurd gas-guzzling vehicles). I wouldn't dream of dropping them as friends--I mean how boring if you only hang around people exactly like you.

I know it isn't quite the same, but our dear friend and ex-neighbor looks like a model and dresses accordingly, even when pregnant. We went to her house on several occasions when she was wearing a skirt that I swear was two inches and a top that was cut approximately to her navel. I would never dress that way (even if I did was 5'9" and weighed 120 pounds). My DH and I actually joked about the "free show" he got whenever we went to her house. They are a really nice family, and since both their marriage and my marriage are just fine, I have come to find her exhibitionism a charming quirk of her behavior.

So--It isn't YOUR problem. Your friends are uptight and not very good friends, IMO.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
Is this the first they've said anything about being uncomfortable with your nursing?

Sort of. The wife has always voiced support but told me her dh is uncomfortable with it, so in their home I always go in another room or use a blanket. When we eat out w/ them I also grab a blanket. Really, that's for MY comfort because I don't want strangers gawking at me. But I never cover his head w/ it because none of my kids have ever gone for blankets on their head, they get all sweaty, and I can't see what's going on anyway. So I just rely on the bulk of my shirts to cover the top of my boob.

Quote:

Obviously, their values are very different from yours ...
More than I ever realized, apparently.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

You know... when I try to cover my DS's head when he's nursing, it usually ends up being more of a show than when I don't. DS is SO wiggly (moreso if his head is covered! pulling it off and all that) and it's harder for me to keep my shirt in a way that I can cover back up if he pulls off or keep things a bit more discreet. Trying to cover him would be a total disaster...lol


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## hrsmom (Jul 4, 2008)

I'd be floored and sad, too! I agree, it's their issue, not yours. I can tell you that none of the friends I had before my baby was born have the same values as me, and I hardly ever see them anymore! I'm in the process of making new friends, thank God for mommy networking groups! You're right in the middle of it, and they're your friends, and I think your reaction is totally normal. As someone completely outside of the situation, I would encourage you to accept that that is how they reacted, and don't let it get to you! Their reaction says nothing about who you are or the choices you're making to nourish your baby- it really is their problem. You're doing the best thing for your baby and for yourself!







:


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Oh wow! I am floored too. I would be ticked off for sure. I once had my BIL say something to that extent to me at our house. I said "Well I have never heard of a man going blind because he saw a breast. And if that were the case you would have been blind a LONG time ago because I saw your stash of Playboy in the bathroom."







: Seriously some people can be so rude. I am sorry mama. How awful.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mytwogirls* 
Oh wow! I am floored too. I would be ticked off for sure. I once had my BIL say something to that extent to me at our house. I said "Well I have never heard of a man going blind because he saw a breast. And if that were the case you would have been blind a LONG time ago because I saw your stash of Playboy in the bathroom."







: Seriously some people can be so rude. I am sorry mama. How awful.









Oh, if they'd have said something in person I may have had a snappy comeback! That was a good one.


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## LeahC (Sep 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WeasleyMum* 







These folks need to get over themselves. It's not like you're trying to seduce your friend's DH by feeding your child in front of him.

Exactly what I was thinking. I don't understand why people have to "look" if it makes them so uncomfortable. ((hugs))


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

They're definitely sexualizing the whole thing, or she wouldn't have worded it like she did . . . "while dh is in the room".








There are just people like that out there.


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## FireWithin (Apr 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bellevuemama* 
Hmmm...you could offer him a blanket to cover his head if it bothers him?

Bellevuemama


















awesome. I am going to keep this in mind.

There are a couple of people in my extended family who are uncomfortable about my nursing. Whenever it is possible for me to anticipate a nursing session (such as when he starts getting fussy), I make a blanket announcement that it looks like I need to nurse soon. It is then the _men_'s responsibility to leave the room if they so wish.


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

wow. i would be really upset. i don't even know what i would do about a situation like that.


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## ElaynesMom (May 24, 2008)

I'd definitely be hurt if someone I considered a good friend told me they didn't want to be around me because I might feed my child. I would also realize that it was their issue, not mine.

I'd likely let it go for a few days and then possibley try to talk to my "friend". If she honestly didn't ever want to be around me when there was a possibilty of me nursing my lo, then I suppose there really wouldn't be a way to remain friends. Honestly, if she cares so little about seeing you because you feed your baby, she isn't much of a friend, and I'd feel a little sad for her really.

I'm sorry your friend is acting this way.


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## Britishmum (Dec 25, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint Leaf* 
wouldn't a "true friend" tell you this in person rather than a text message.


Nope. IMO a true friend would get over herself. Even if she personally preferred not to see someone breastfeeding (which I find weird, but it's her right to have that preference), if she's a friend, she'd get over it and want to go out for dinner, regardless.

OP - you go way further to placating this friend than I would. I absolutely refuse to go to different rooms to nurse my children, period. It doesn't matter whose home I am in. If I'm not welcome to nurse where I happen to sit, then I view it as not bieng welcome in that house, and I'd leave. Thankfully, I've never had a problem over nursing, and my friends are cool, but I'd personally not go to any lengths to cater to anybody's stupidity over NIP.

But in your own home - heck, what a nerve your friend has!!

I'm sorry this happened, but I think you need to stand your ground and very politely tell her that you intend to nurse for some time to come, so maybe you guys just shouldn't hang out right now. And I'd look for new friends, and make that a permanent arrangement.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Sometimes ignorance isn't bliss, sometimes ignorance is just ignorance.







:


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## joeymama (Nov 6, 2005)

I feel sorry for them, because they will most likely be a family the chooses to formula feed if they have children, She will never experience the amazing feeling of breastfeeding her child, she will never have the same closeness that you and your child share and she will never have the confidence in her body that you do, Your body has nourished that baby inside and outside of the womb, you are an amazing goddess good job mama!

I am tandem nursing toddlers sometimes you CANT cover up. my cat never covers up while nursing her kittens I have never see a cow covered with a blanket nursing in a field. And I bet none of those people have ever complained about that.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

what weirdo's....do they have kids?


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

Just text them back, "Yeah, I was pretty uncomfortable last we saw you too, what with your husband's [insert random potential problem you've noticed, however slight... belching, burping, farting, laughing too loud, noisy eating, unwashed hands, ogling waitresses, etc.] When you've gotten some manners maybe we can try again in another decade or two."

I know, rude, but they were so rude too that I don't think the relationship can be salvaged.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jeliphish* 
what weirdo's....do they have kids?

Yeah, they have 2 kids. She breastfed each for a few mos, that was it.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Know what I realized? In my reply txt to my "friend" the other day, I ASSUMED that they were weirded out about getting flashed.

Maybe they're just weird freaks about it and it has nothing to do with flashing but it's just the IDEA of breastfeeding that bothers them. How pathetic.







:


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Hope you're feeling less stressed about this today! You did _nothing_ worth feeling embarrassed or ashamed about. Silly people.


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## phrogger (Oct 16, 2006)

This is what drives me insane about our society. My husband was/is uncomfortable with some of my friends who extended breast feeding. He thought it was weird for someone to nurse until a child is past a year old, let alone 3+. Now I have never nursed that long and probably wont, BUT, I told him to SUCK IT UP. He would NEVER tell someone their kid couldn't eat at the table so how dare he tell someone else how their kid should eat. Personally, if we could tell people how to eat I would walk around all over screaming at people to shut their mouths while chewing their food, but that would probably start a fight. So if I can't tell complete strangers to close it, he shouldn't even think of being in a position to tell someone else how to eat (the 3 year old). Not to mention, boobs are for FOOD.

I do however find myself guilty of staring a women nursing in public, but totally because I am jealous and couldn't wait to have another baby of my own. If they noticed me it was always met with a smile and sometimes a thumbs up, but really, I just like seeing babies eat.


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## bscal (Feb 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
They declined because, according to her text, "I am very sorry but dh and I both get very uncomfortable when you are breastfeeding while dh is in the same room, so to not inconvenience you, it's better if we don't go."

I am reading her text more that SHE is uncomfortable with you nursing when her husband is in the room. Is she worried that he's checking you out or something? I mean, seriously, that's a bit weird.

I will add that one of my dearest friends came to visit us before we had kids. They came down with their EBF 5 mos DS. Since she and I have been friends since elementary school and been in Girl Scouts forever and have seen each other naked a million times she is very comfortable in my household. So, let's just say she was not discreet when latching/unlatching her son. My sweet DH left the room when she started nursing. I followed him and he was just so concerned about not offending her that he didn't know where to look. He was worried that if he stared at the ceiling it would seem rude but he didn't want to look AT her for fear she'd think he was staring at her breasts. Luckily we're such good friends that she and I could talk about it openly and honestly... I told her DH just really didn't know where to look and she told me it didn't bother her/offend her if he looked away or looked at the ceiling.

I share that story because DH's feelings are pretty similar to most other men I know who either do not have children or their wives/SO's did not breastfeed. They know it's not polite to stare at a woman's breasts but they also don't want to offend a nursing mom by looking at the ceiling. Perhaps a frank conversation between you and your friend about this would be appropriate? (Of course now that I've nursed 3 kids it doesn't bother DH at all... he can carry on a conversation with a nursing mom and not even notice at all.)

HTH,
Beth


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## Dizzie (Nov 28, 2007)

You poor mama. How awkard you must feel.

Around here people with issues are free to leave the room when my child is hungry. I prefer to give the heads up so people know l'm going to feed. Not in the form of an announcement or anything. It doesn't offend me if people prefer to go outside or into another room until we are done.

So if you can't cope with a baby eating:
a. Leave the room
b. Put a blanket over your head
c. Pull your finger out (oops can l say that?)

I don't leave the room to feed at my house or someone elses unless there is a different reason for me to do so. I think alot of people (both males and females) also think that you may want/need some privacy and prefer to leave the room (subtley not storm out) or look away until you are done anyway.

Personally it doesn't bother me but would you be more offended if your friends DH went into another room until you were done? I just don't see why you should have to be inconvinienced to feed your child. Also have your tried asking your friend why her and her DH so uncomfortable?


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## KBinSATX (Jan 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WeasleyMum* 







These folks need to get over themselves. It's not like you're trying to seduce your friend's DH by feeding your child in front of him.

Yeah that. They are obviously not very good at dealing with their own insecurities... It's not you. How rude!


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dizzie* 
Personally it doesn't bother me but would you be more offended if your friends DH went into another room until you were done?

He DID go in another room for a couple minutes. Totally didn't bother me at all. I know he's uncomfortable, so fine. Do what you need to do. I initially thought he was checking out the game the kids were playing until his wife told me, "He went over there because you're nursing." And then I just picked up a weird vibe. No idea why.

And 2 days later I get the text.

Quote:

I just don't see why you should have to be inconvinienced to feed your child. Also have your tried asking your friend why her and her DH so uncomfortable?
I haven't seen her since and I really don't care right now. Obviously, they aren't ppl we need to hang w/ if they suddenly get weird about something that previously hadn't been an issue. (Heck, we typically go to their house and I go in another room, but this time she suggested we get together at MY house. Ok. But then this happens.)


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## Anna's Lovey (Dec 24, 2008)

Oh man, if it makes you feel any better i was so spastic in the begining and so intent on getting my screaming, back arching child fed that I didn't worry a bit about flashing a few people. It's not like I'm blinding anybody. My mom would be like "are you sure you don't want a blanket or something?" but honestly, how do you modestly arange your atire while holding a nipple and a child? it's not like we have eight arms. Flash away, i say. Flash away. Baby has got to eat...


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## Flor (Nov 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
I don't feel comfortable with them at all anymore. In someone else's home, I will go w/ whatever they prefer. But in my house? No. You can put a blanket over YOUR head.

.

I think I would have texted her back with that message. And the image of a man sitting on your couch with a blanket over his head is hilarious.


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## AnalogWife (Sep 8, 2007)

I think it was SHE who felt threatened either by your body or by the closeness with your child and she wanted to punish you by sending such a callous, hurtful text. I'd say good riddance.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *WeasleyMum* 







These folks need to get over themselves. It's not like you're trying to seduce your friend's DH by feeding your child in front of him.

i think that's it right there... the wife is intimidated because she thinks your (.)(.) are attractive or thinks her husband thinks so....

Which means she is unable to differentiate between the nourishing breast and the sexy breast.

I am actually surprised 'you' apologized to 'her' when I think it should have been the other way around. So what if you showed some skin while feeding your baby! That's nothing to apologize for.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Anna's Lovey* 
My mom would be like "are you sure you don't want a blanket or something?"

No thanks, I'm not cold... in fact, I'm really actually hot holding this hot baby. But if you're cold in this room, you can use that blanket.


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## MomofBigBean (Dec 16, 2008)

My brother made the mistake of saying something to me prior to my hormones getting a bit more evened out. After hearing "ugh, man, I can't watch that", I snapped back "It's a nipple being flashed, not an a#@hole! Get over it!"
Not exactly a delicate way of expressing it but it has become something of a joke now. My brother ended up actually taking the advice and no longer comments on his nephew's lunch. Sadly it seems some people can't seem to get past the fact that BF isn't sexual or some dirty bodily function without a bit of mental shake up.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Question for the OP: These were obviously good friends of yours. How would you prefer that they handled this? Do you think the outcome would have been any different? Would you have agreed to covering when in his presence? I am going to guess not. So although your friends handled this very badly and should have talked to you in person about it -- I suspect that the outcome would have been the same.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint Leaf* 
Question for the OP: These were obviously good friends of yours. How would you prefer that they handled this?

It seemed to be permanent when she declined our invitation to get together. The venue was left open for suggestion, it didn't have to be at my home.

A suggestion for a different venue or even asking me to use a blanket would have been ok. My house, my rules, but if you're THAT weird about it, ask me and I will try to remember to use a blanket when we're together. Don't cut off our friendship or all option of ever hanging out just because you have issues.

Quote:

Do you think the outcome would have been any different?
If they'd asked, yes, the outcome would have been different. We'd still be able to hang out.

Quote:

Would you have agreed to covering when in his presence? I am going to guess not.
You guessed wrong. I already covered or went elsewhere AT THEIR HOUSE. If they had ASKED, I would have covered at my house, also.

Quote:

So although your friends handled this very badly and should have talked to you in person about it -- I suspect that the outcome would have been the same.
No, it wouldn't. If they had asked me to cover, "Sure, let's hang, but do you mind using a blanket when you're breastfeeding? It totally weirds us out" I would have texted back, "Ok, ya freak. I'll try to remember!"

Instead it ended badly because they assumed I wouldn't want to cover and therefore made a very permanent decision w/o asking me or suggesting something else.

I'm a lactivist but I don't mind making concession for others if they bring it to my attention. I just don't think about it, so they need to suggest it.


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
It seemed to be permanent when she declined our invitation to get together. The venue was left open for suggestion, it didn't have to be at my home.

A suggestion for a different venue or even asking me to use a blanket would have been ok. My house, my rules, but if you're THAT weird about it, ask me and I will try to remember to use a blanket when we're together. Don't cut off our friendship or all option of ever hanging out just because you have issues.

If they'd asked, yes, the outcome would have been different. We'd still be able to hang out.

You guessed wrong. I already covered or went elsewhere AT THEIR HOUSE. If they had ASKED, I would have covered at my house, also.

No, it wouldn't. If they had asked me to cover, "Sure, let's hang, but do you mind using a blanket when you're breastfeeding? It totally weirds us out" I would have texted back, "Ok, ya freak. I'll try to remember!"

Instead it ended badly because they assumed I wouldn't want to cover and therefore made a very permanent decision w/o asking me or suggesting something else.

I'm a lactivist but I don't mind making concession for others if they bring it to my attention. I just don't think about it, so they need to suggest it.


that makes this all the more sadder -- its too bad your friend didn't know you well enough to know that there was easy answer.

My heart goes out to you --- friendships are so important and they shouldn't end over this :-(


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint Leaf* 
that makes this all the more sadder -- its too bad your friend didn't know you well enough to know that there was easy answer.

My heart goes out to you --- friendships are so important and they shouldn't end over this :-(










That's what kills me -- I thought we were better friends than this. She always implied that we were...


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## PassionateWriter (Feb 27, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
At their house I do go elsewhere, but the event she is referring to happened in MY HOME!

that is just insane IMHO.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 

I can't believe this is from ppl I considered GOOD friends. I'm so hurt. A little bit angry, but more sad than anything. And embarrassed.

i am so sorry they hurt your feelings over feeding your son. that is just wrong.

i just cant believe good friends would treat someone like this.

maybe friendships dont mean that much to me but i will not modify feeding my 2 month old and 3 YEAR old the way they prefer. its just insane for anyone to get all bent over it.


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## PaigeC (Nov 25, 2008)

It kills me that breastfeeding is viewed as weird instead of they guy (or girl) who is thinking sexual thoughts about a mother and child being seen as the abnormal thing!

Have we forgotten we are MAMMALS??? geesh.

And a txt? That's not very friendly and actually kind of cowardly. So sorry you are going through this!


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## AGierald (Sep 5, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Justthatgirl* 
At their house I do go elsewhere, but the event she is referring to happened in MY HOME!

yup my mom just told me that i offended someone breastfeeding my son at thanksgiving in my OWN LIVING ROOM. Part of you says "its their problem not mine" but i was sick with upset over it for a week.


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## luckysam (Jan 12, 2008)

Big hugs mama. Don't they know that of course they are right... I mean, of course the whole reason you got pregnant at all was just so that after you had the baby, you could flash half of a breast at her hubby and her while breastfeeding









I know it is so hard, but pp are right, this is about them. I had friends say wow we were shocked when we were all eating dinner at your house that you nursed at the table. And I said well every time the baby smells food he wants to eat too, so get used to it! lol

I was a bit taken aback at first myself, when they said that to me, but I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong and realized it wasn't my issue. It just takes some people awhile to warm up, especially if they haven't been, forgive the word, exposed to breastfeeding themselves.

I strongly suggest taking this as two people who are confronting something for themselves, and as a chance for yourself to firmly feel and decide that you are doing what's best for you and your baby, and you are really okay with it. Though it smarts now, if you don't see this as anything but a chance to feel more sure in yourself, it will blow over, and most likely in the future they will feel like asses for saying anything. Even if they don't, their thoughts have nothing to do with you and how you should feel and conduct yourself.

Love and hugs to you, mama.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

Well, I finally talked to her tonight. (Deaths in her family and ours.) I asked her how she was doing w/ her medications for anxiety and panic disorders and she told me she was off them completely now. I asked when she stopped them and she said about 3-4 wks ago or so.

Exactly when she was acting all weird and sent that text to me.

So, after a little more conversation and me asking her about the text, I suspect she KNEW she sent it but I kind of can let it go because I knew she wasn't herself and the our conversation tonight confirmed it. Kind of like a drunk text. You know it's sent, you can't take it back, and you're too spaced out to care.

I am still uncomfortable nursing ds2 in front of her, but I didn't let it stop me.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

Wow. Interesting twist! Did not expect that one.

Glad you feel like you can still be friends.


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