# When your child has done something she knows is wrong...



## bestjob (Mar 19, 2002)

...what do you do?

Here is the example. Today my daughter (8 year old)invited a friend over to do crafts. Dd and I had an agreement that her younger brother (5 year old) would be included and that the activities would be things he could do. When the friend arrived, she didn't want to do crafts and she acted a bit sneaky, finally persuading my daughter to go up to her room "to talk in private". Then they announced that ds wasn't welcome to participate in what they were doing so he started bugging them. I helped him find something to do, but whenever my attention strayed from him, he went back to bugging them. They were willing to have the younger brother around (he's 2 years old) so the middle child was jealous and angry. I tried to keep it light, but it was frustrating for me to have my daughter follow her friend instead of doing the thing she had agreed to do and that she knew was the right thing to do. After about half an hour, dd and friend said they wanted to go over to friend's house "just to get something". Dd phoned and asked if she could stay there for a playdate. I said yes, that she could stay for an hour, but I did it more because I didn't want to get in trouble with the other parents and I am hesitant to discipline this particular friend, who mostly gets to do whatever she wants and who looks at me like I have three heads when I say "no" to some plan.

When dd came home, we talked, and she agreed that she did the wrong thing, and agreed that play dates with this friend often cause trouble at our house, so we have put a moratorium on having the child over. I still feel like the problem isn't resolved, though.

Waht do you do when your child does something she knows is the wrong thing to do?


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## Sativarain1 (Feb 27, 2003)

hmmm, I really don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to say I think you handled it well and did the right thing.

And it sounds like the consequence for this would be not playing with that particular friend for awhile.

but at the same time how do you get her to include her younger brother and not be sneaky? that I'm not sure of~

Goodluck hopefully more people respond this is a tuff one!
Valerie


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## alexa07 (Mar 27, 2003)

Well, the rule in our house is the guest gets to decide what to do, and while they can't be mean to the younger sib, they certainly do not have to play with or include them. I'm not sure asking 8 year old girls to include a 5 year old boy is really fair. Many would not want to do this.

However, your prob is that DD didn't do what they should have. For me there is no need to punish for behavior. In this circumstance I would say, "You agreed to include your brother, and it was up to you to tell your friend that you had to do so. I am disapointed that you did not do as promised." And that would be it.

In the future, I would look at whether having to include sibling makes sense. Did your DD readily agree to this in the first place, or did you demand it. If she agreed readily, ask her how she feels about friends who will not do as expected, and what she wants to do about this in the future. If you forced it on her, decide if its really important to do so in the future.


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## stretchmark (Apr 10, 2003)

I think sharing a disappoint is really hard for a young person to take. So what happens with that is that the child knows mom or dad was disappointed, but they don't necessarily understand what they did or the affect it has on another person- which is what children of this age are trying to do. My psych teacher thinks children are trying to figure out how to treat each other and all the situations where they hurt someone are signs that they haven't learned that yet. And sure they won't always get it after one time. In that situation, there are many options, and I think you did a great job.


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