# How long does grief take?



## brokenheart (May 14, 2008)

Due to horrible circumstances, I lost my (very wanted) baby at Christmas. Without getting too far into details, I also lost any chance of having another one.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...082&highlight=

But I don't understand. I have done so much grieving. I have cried myself into a prune for months. I quit eating and lost so much weight. I have read a tons of books and articles. I have talked to a therapist.

Yet, here I am nearly 7 months later. I cried all day today. My eyes are swollen and I think I scared the poor delivery guy when I went to the door.







I gave up on wearing mascara months ago. Sometimes I feel as though my heart will break.

I have a form of depression, and I have finally got back on my meds. They seem to be starting to help that deep pit of anxiety in my stomach and the "kill yourself now" thoughts are gone. But this morning I looked at my 6 year old looking so big, and I seriously felt a pain in my heart. I love this child more than anything in the world and it KILLS me how fast time goes by. This time last year we were TTC #2. Now we will never ever have that 2nd baby. Adoption etc is out (for many reasons including lack of funds and my illness).

It just hurts so much and I don't understand why it isn't getting better. DH doesn't understand either. He has had a zombie-wife for 7 months. I'm sure it gets old. And as we near my child's next birthday (this Christmas), I feel so sad. Don't grow up so fast! Stay with me! I feel insane, and obviously this isn't right. I'm not enjoying my one and only child. Instead I'm frozen in a weird depression.

What kind of therapy am I supposed to go to in order to move on with my freaking life??


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## texaspeach (Jun 19, 2005)

I'm so sorry









I just know that you can not rush grief.

There ARE counselors that specialize in grief/pregnancy loss. I am a college student and ended up talking with a counselor at my school who was sympathetic to my needs.

I would suggest calling your insurance company to find out if they have someone on the list who is knowledgeable about grief.

I had a m/c in feb this year.. and there are still days where I don't think I can get out of bed. I don't know how long it takes. I just know that I have to keep going.


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## DreamWeaver (May 28, 2002)

((HUGS)), mama. This is so hard... ...









I hate to say this... but grief does take time. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. There will also be ups and downs along the way, and sometimes it seems you will never find that edge to the darkness.... but you will.

You can call the local hospital and asked to be referred to a grief counselor.
I did not go to one. I did speak to one on the phone but it did not feel like the right thing for me. Writing helped me a lot, just letting the words flow.
I've also been to a couple of energy healers and that helped too. You could consider going to a Reiki master, for example.

Sending you light and hope.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Oh gosh mama... I'm so heartbroken for you







Yes grief is different for everybody & there is no timeline for grief, but I am scared for you. I know you said the "kill yourself now" thoughts are gone, but I have to affirm how terribly terribly important you are to your DC & DH (right now it might feel like you're not, but over their lifetimes you being gone would be far would than you being alive). If you are having suicidal thoughts, will you tell someone? Please tell me that you will tell someone.

Is the therapist that you're seeing helpful? If not, you must find someone who is. Are you seeing a psychiatrist to manage your meds? Again, if you're not, I think you should be.

I'm really sorry to sound bossy, but this is really serious stuff (as you know). Please continue to check in here


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## laoxinat (Sep 17, 2007)

Loving What Is By Byron Katie is a very very helpful book


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## KYCat (May 19, 2004)

I just came to mothering to say that I made it to three years. I am still sad and think of my lovely boy every day but I am not in zombie mode. Not being able to try again however will obviously take even longer to get over. Please be gentle with yourself. I also felt so frustrated that when I was a zombie I was so sad over losing my son that I couldn't be a good mom to the 2 lovely boys that I had. Grief is hard and I guess necessary but boy it sucks! I'm glad that you're seeing a therapist and if you are officially depressed I would certainly recommend taking your meds but unfortunately grief has not timetable. The only thing that I would suggest is to make sure that you are trying to do things that used to give you joy even if you're sure that they won't. Sometimes pretending you're ok and happy can help you to become ok and happy. Once you accidentally laugh, it is easier for this to happen the next time. It's like when you ask your child to taste food they don't think they like, eventually you'l' surprise yourself and feel functional at least for a while. I'm so sorry mama.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

I am so sorry. Grief has no time table, but make sure that the doctors that are helping you to manage your health are the right fit.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Scientifically speaking it truly takes 2 - 4 years to fully integrate a loss into your life. That does not meant hta you fell the way you feel now for 4 years, but it means that grief takes time. Grief comes in waves and just because you are getting knocked down by waves of grief, don't forget that you are probably getting back up a little faster and recovering a little easier. THere will come a time when you will think to yourself, "I just spent an hour not thinking about my baby." ANd then you will stop counting the days or months since your baby died. ANd that is ok. Considering what you have gone through, I imagine you are experiencing some PTS. You also have to get to a point where you can forgive yourself. Have you written your baby a letter? Just some ideas. I wish you peace.
Gossamer


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I mc in January, and I'm still grieving. I'm sure it's even more devastating to lose the chance of TTC again. Like others said grieving takes time.


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## somanyjoys (Mar 14, 2006)

Brokenheart, When I lost my mom when I was 18, I was just about to start college. I remember that I had got out of classes a couple of hours earlier than my roommate, and I would go back to my room and cry everyday during that break. One day my roommate got a walk and came in as I was bawling. She asked if I cried like that everyday. I did. And I remember wondering, how long will this take? Will I cry everyday forever? Will I never be able to look at a mother and daughter again and not cry? Eventually, and it did take a year, I think, that question changed to will I cry like this every week...and then every month...and I just became more functional. The grief is never gone, and there will be times it comes back and is unbearable. For me, that was after my daughter was born -- 15 years after my mom had died. I was talking to a woman (my mom's age) on the phone and crying, and she told me I should get professional help if I was still that upset after so many years. She obviously had no idea what grief (and grief coupled with postpartum hormones) is like.

This is really long, but it is to say that grief can last a long time. There is nothing wrong, though, with talking to someone -- a minister, a counselor, whatever -- especially if you are having trouble taking care of your family.

I am so sorry about your losses -- the baby and your fertility. You are in my prayers.


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## fuzzypeach (Oct 28, 2004)

I'm sorry for what you've gone through, brokenheart.

It took me a few years after having an abortion to come to terms with it. It has been nearly seven years now, and it still makes me sad from time to time... but not like it used to. The emotional aftermath of it (along with other mental health probs) nearly killed me a year or so afterwards. It was rough.









I know you said you've read lots... have you been to this website? It is a pro-choice, non religious post abortion support site. I found it to be a great help: http://afterabortion.com/ Just knowing so many others had been through what I was going through was an amazing relief... you're not alone.







Take care of yourself.


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

Oh I'm so sorry. 7 months is a comparatively short time though, especially with as complicated a grief as yours must be. Keep seeing help and support and be gentle with yourself, it takes time. Focusing on forgiving yourself may not take the pain and sadness away but it might help a bit with the numb zombie feeling. So many


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Honestly, I didn't feel right for a long time. Maybe a year and half. I had to be angry, had to try to bargain with life, had to face reality, had to work through all my feelings and sort through my friendships. I know it sucks. The only way out is just to go through.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.


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## naturalmomto8 (Feb 13, 2005)

I lost my baby 12 years ago this month. What I learned is that you never get over the pain you just learn to live with it. I took me years before I felt like I was going to be okay. Losing a child is the worst thing we can go thru and there is no time table for grief. You are also not only grieving the loss of your sweet baby, but also the loss of future babies. I know that at the time all the things everyone says doesnt mean much, but it is true that it does get better with time. You dont ever stop missing your baby, but you do learn how to get thru it.

I am so sorry for your loss


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## mama k nj (Dec 18, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss.. I know you posted this at the beginning of the month and I hope you are feeling better now.

A dear friend terminated her pregnancy many years ago. It is still with her, but she has found some peace through couseling specific to this situation. For a period of time she also worked with women (in one-on-one couseling) who were going through the same experience.

You are not alone. I hope that you can find the help that you need... for the sake of your family and most importantly for yourself.


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