# Sharing my Story -- Damian



## luv_my_babes (Dec 8, 2008)

I've been reluctant to post about this, as its a sensitive subject for me, but everyone here seems so supportive.. so here goes.









I found out I was pregnant July 18th/2003. I had been having some symptoms, sore breasts, mood swings and of course -- a missed period.









My symptoms became absolutely unbearable when I was approx. 6 weeks pregnant. I was vomiting ALLLLL day, even throwing up after I had nothing in my stomach. I would dry heave until I was ready to pass out. I ended up in the ER with dehydration and an IV, and was later admitted with "Hypremis Gravardium" (sp?). While in the hospital they did an ultrasound which showed I was pregnant with TWINS!







Needless to say I was ecstatic.

About a week later I was to have another ultrasound, just to make sure that everything was still ok (I had been in the hospital for close to a week because of severe vomiting --- I still don't know why I was sooo sick).
It was at this 2nd ultrasound that everything went downhill. It showed that one baby was much smaller than the other, but they could not tell me anything other then that. I would not know what was 'wrong' until I was further along.

At 12 weeks I went in for another ultrasound and it showed that Baby A was healthy and thriving, but Baby B had an abnormality in his brain, and he "would not be compatible with life". I was devastated.... beyond devastated. The doctor telling me this was cold, and really uncaring, I'll never forget the feeling of sitting in a sterile hospital, having a stranger tell me that my baby was going to die.









I was given the option to terminate the entire pregnancy, which was out of the question for me. Then there was talk of selective reduction, but the risks were to much for me.
I made my decision to carry both babies to term, knowing that baby B was going to die after birth. My entire family thought that I should have terminated the pregnancy to spare myself the heartache.

I felt ill my entire pregnancy, I think partially because I was very depressed. I cherished my pregnancy though, as it was the only time I would have with both my babies alive and together.

At 33 weeks I went into labour, was given mag sulphate to stop contractions and was put on hospital bedrest. Finally at 34 weeks 1 day my contractions could not be stopped and the decision was made to have a c-section (babies were both footling breech).

The first baby, Liam, was born at 11:34am. He was born breathing and with a full head of hair. A minute later, Damian, was born 'sleeping'. The room was very quiet, and they wrapped him up and took him to another room for my husband and MIL to hold him while I was being stitched up (Liam at this point had been taken to NICU for breathing difficulties).

Damian was perfect in every way, just tiny, 3 lbs. He had a full head of hair, with little curls. Perfect hands and toes. I could not believe that I would never be able to see him reach his milestones and grow up. Knowing that we were going to loose him didn't make the loss any less, nor did having another baby to take home. I held him, we dressed him in a sleeper, took footprints, pictures, and cherished my last moments with his body. It wasn't fair, he was a much wanted baby who would have been loved unconditionally.

The day I gave birth was both the best and worst day if my life. My surviving ds did well in the NICU, no significant problems, just the 'normal' preemie stuff.

A year after this ordeal we were blessed with another bundle of joy -- our daughter Lily-Rose who was born healthy and looked just like Damian when she was born.

Its going to be 5 years (on Feb. 23rd) since we welcomed our twin boys. For some reason this 5 year anniversary is hitting me really hard. I can't stop thinking about it, crying about it and just feeling like a never grieved enough, or was never given the time to grieve (maybe having a NB to look after and then another baby a year later...).

Sorry about the novel, I just needed to share my story and get it off my chest.


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Oh, momma. I'm so sorry.


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## lemurmommies (Jan 15, 2007)

I am so sorry for the loss of you little boy. I hope that the anniversary of his birth/death treats you kindly.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

so sorry momma.. you will find lots of support here.


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

So sorry for your loss







That must have been really difficult for you.


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## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

I'm sorry. Your story and rememberance shows what a great impact his short :hlife made. mmmm, sorry mama.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry about Damian. As time passes you feel like it should get easier but it doesn't really.


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## mollyb33 (Dec 29, 2008)

I'm so, so sorry. The world is such an unfair place sometimes.


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## mamacita angelica (Oct 6, 2006)

i am so sorry for the loss of Damian. Beautiful names for your children. Thank you for sharing your story.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

I'm so sorry, Mama, for your loss of Damian.
Thank you for sharing his story; from your description,
he was a beautiful, precious boy. MDC is a great place to
find support.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Hugs to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't think this type of grief ever goes away for good. It's only been five months since my son died so I don't have a lot of time under my belt. But, my grandparent's first baby died shortly after his birth. They grieved him until they died (my grandmother was 83 and my grandfather was 93 when they died). They learned to live with it but they would go through periods where their grief was as new as the day he died.

Be gentle with yourself - what you're feeling is very normal. And, as others have said, this is a great place to share. There are so many wise mammas on here that have suffered the same loss and pain.


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I'm so sorry. I know for me, sometimes grief is too much to handle right when a loss happens. Sometimes it doesn't settle in for a long time, when some deep down part of me feels it's safe to deal with it. Grief doesn't observe time the way the rest of the world does.


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## luv_my_babes (Dec 8, 2008)

Thank you everyone for your kind words, it means a lot to me









I think everyone else in my family has more then gotten over the entire thing... but its different for the mama's I think, as we are the ones who carry the babies.

I have terrible feelings of guilt, still after almost 5 years. I know I didn't cause anything, it was just luck of the draw... but still, I keep thinking "maybe if I would have taken extra folic acid, or eaten better", or... well you know what I mean.
Sorry for rambling, the anniversary of Damian's passing is hitting me really hard this year









I want to do something special for him this year to remember him. My surviving twin, Liam, often talks about Damian and asks me all kinds of questions (We speak very openly about him, as if he is still here). I think it would mean a lot to Liam and I if we did something special.

I was thinking of getting 5 white ballons and letting Liam let them go. We have a perfect spot nearby that I think would be perfect.


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

awww so sorry about precious Damien! Of course you didn't have time to grieve.







subconsiously you tried to be strong for Liam i'm sure and be try to be happy and enjoy him. Be kind to yourself, you did not do anything to cause it. I love the idea of all of you doing something in memory of Damien! Do you have any ideas in mind? I love the idea of balloons and letting them go at the beach or park. Anywhere really, somewhere special to your family. You could write something to him on the balloons? Just an idea. I'm sure whatever is decided will be wonderful and very special. Wow- i just read your recent post about the 5 balloons.







That is soooo sweet! I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

*hugs* to you as that anniversary comes near. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Damian. I don't imagine those feelings of grief will ever go away completely. I'd suggest embracing them when they come - the grief, to me, is just an expression of love for the babies we miss so, so much.


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## amrijane128 (Jan 6, 2007)

I am so sorry.







s that has to be so bittersweet...


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I am so very very sorry that your precious son was born sleeping ... and I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must have been to grieve one son, raise the other and love them both. Bless you, mama.

I think your idea of a balloon release is beautiful.


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