# FIL picked up DD from school- with NO CARSEAT!



## Amila (Apr 4, 2006)

I am fuming right now. I had a midwife appt and asked FIL to get DD (4 in July) from preschool, which is a 2 minute walk from out house. Like 3 blocks. This morning I SPECIFICALLY asked him to walk, since we didn't have an extra carseat, and I said I wasn't comfortable with her riding without a carseat, even just across the road. He said, "Oh, sure, I was planning to walk anyway."

So what does he do????? Says "Oh, it was raining, so I just drove her in the car, its only 3 blocks..."

I was speechless. I am making DH deal with this one. I am SO mad. I don't drive her, even in a PARKING LOT, without being strapped in. Anything can happen! UGH.

And for the record, not like it matters, it was barely raining! Not like some torrential downpour.


----------



## mamalisa (Sep 24, 2002)

I'd be furious. Especially since you made it very clear that it wasn't ok for her to ride without a seat. Furious.


----------



## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I'm guessing he didn't realize how much of a safety issue it was. I mean, he must have known you didn't want him to drive b/c you specifically said to walk since he didn't have a carseat, but I'm thinking that at the time he figured taking a chance and driving 3 blocks was better than walking in the rain. Not that it was really a good choice, but I'm guessing he meant well. I could see my dad or FIL doing the same thing, TBH. Back when they had 3-4 yo kids, they probably weren't even in a booster seat much less a harnessed carseat, so I don't think they always quite understand (even when it's spelled out for them).


----------



## MammaG (Apr 9, 2009)

Wow, I would be absolutely furious, too. I don't think I could ever trust him alone with her again if I were in your shoes. He showed a lack of understanding about safety (not to mention the need for consistancy with a child regarding the 'safety rules') and a completely inappropriate disregard for your authority as a mother.

Heck, I'm angry _for_ you just thinking about it!


----------



## Amila (Apr 4, 2006)

I totally get what you are saying Drummers Wife- and that is EXACTLY the case. BUT still. Now DD keeps talking about how she got to sit in Pop Pop's car like a big girl with no car seat! I am soooooooooo upset!


----------



## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I'd be mad, but i'd also try to remember that he probably NEVER strapped his kids into anything (i can remember before cars had rear seat belts and i am only 29!) and they didn't die, so though you're right that it is a MAJOR MAJOR issue, for him it probably doesn't feel so critical, yk?

As an aside i forgot to belt DD in the other day and we drove considerably more than 3 blocks before i noticed! I feel bad, but really, she is ok, we were lucky, so i'm trying to let it go.


----------



## Amila (Apr 4, 2006)

The thing is, they pretty much take care of their other grandson 24/7 and have since he was little. They have some crappy secondhand booster for him, and I cringe when I think about it. Then again this kid's mom turned him forward facing at 8 months, so.......








I know they just don't get it, but it still is not ok.


----------



## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

Oh boy.

My aunt did the same thing one time, I was completely blown away. DS was about 1.5 years old, maybe younger. Never in a million years did I ever think I would need to tell her that she was not to take him in the car without a seat. She and her daughter, who should have known better, drove DS a couple blocks up the street and back as they needed to run to church for some unexpected reason.

Not to minimize it but I think sometimes there is a generational-component at play. Some people operate under the "it was ok in our day" mentality. My uncle is like that (sibling to the aunt) and I won't let DS go anywhere in a vehicle with him. He thinks I am nuts and too overprotective. The same aunt gave me her LLL book on nursing and it had a chapter on safety and they recommended the best place to put a newborn was on the floor.

Do you think FIL intentionally ignored your instructions or did he honestly think it was no big deal? With my aunt, it was a brain-fart. I could envision my uncle intentionally disreguarding my instructions.


----------



## organicpapayamama (Dec 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amila* 
The thing is, they pretty much take care of their other grandson 24/7 and have since he was little. They have some crappy secondhand booster for him, and I cringe when I think about it. Then again this kid's mom turned him forward facing at 8 months, so.......








I know they just don't get it, but it still is not ok.

Im with you on this one mama. It doesnt mater how they grew up or how they raised their kids weather it was in the stone age or whatever. You left him in charge as a temporary provider with a set of rules which he understood and agreed to and he broke that agreement. I would be furious as well mama. Im sorry you had to deal with this.


----------



## Jaesun's Dad (Feb 19, 2010)

You are right to stick to a strict rule here. Over the weekend it rained hard in California and four children died in an accident. All four were in the back seat where there are only three seatbelts. Perhaps "oh, it will be fine. It's only a short drive" was mentioned moments before. It matters very little in the end that the driver of the vehicle carrying the children "wasn't at fault". Sadly.


----------



## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

I would be furious too because you specifically asked him to walk but i can also imagine his perspective because back when we were kids we didn't need car seats at age 4. In my state you only had to be buckled up til age 5!! My parents still made me buckle up when I was six but most of my friends didn't buckle up. I'm only 26 so it wasn't THAT long ago either...

I would still be VVERYYY angry but i've also only let ds ride with my parents and my dh's parents AFTER WE install his carseat EVERY time.


----------



## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

It's the law where we live that a child under 4 and under 40 lbs must be in a car seat. It's not just safety (which is most important of course), it's the law!


----------



## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

I would be disappointed and bothered but not furious.

Sometimes even when you leave someone in charge with specific rules to follow, things can change. I left my kids once with the specific rule that they were NOT to eat cereal for dinner. Well, the dinner I THOUGHT I had for them had been left open in the freezer and gotten freezer burn, and there was nothing else quick for the sitter to make for hungry kids, so yeah, he made them cereal. Big deal.

Granted, it's not a life or death issue, but I'll bet to your FIL it didn't seem like life or death, either. Like others said, car seats are a NEW thing and my parents didn't "get" it until I really sat down to explain things, show them crash testing, etc. Now they GET it. Before, they just thought it wasn't all that crucial.

Your FIL did not - I guarantee - look down at your child and say, "Well, today I'm gonna put you in a car and take you home and I don't care whether you live or die." No. More like, "It's raining, we're three blocks away, and this is the easier and dryer option."

Going overboard with anger is not the answer. Sitting him down and talking to him about WHY this is important is what needs to be done. Explaining the WHYs can go a long way.....

ETA: And how do you know how hard it was raining? I can be at home and DH can be at a store a mile away _in the same town_, and it's down-pouring here and sprinkling where he is.


----------



## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Anastasiya* 
I would be disappointed and bothered but not furious.

Sometimes even when you leave someone in charge with specific rules to follow, things can change. I left my kids once with the specific rule that they were NOT to eat cereal for dinner. Well, the dinner I THOUGHT I had for them had been left open in the freezer and gotten freezer burn, and there was nothing else quick for the sitter to make for hungry kids, so yeah, he made them cereal. Big deal.

Granted, it's not a life or death issue, but I'll bet to your FIL it didn't seem like life or death, either. Like others said, car seats are a NEW thing and my parents didn't "get" it until I really sat down to explain things, show them crash testing, etc. Now they GET it. Before, they just thought it wasn't all that crucial.

*Your FIL did not - I guarantee - look down at your child and say, "Well, today I'm gonna put you in a car and take you home and I don't care whether you live or die." No. More like, "It's raining, we're three blocks away, and this is the easier and dryer option."*

Going overboard with anger is not the answer. *Sitting him down and talking to him about WHY this is important is what needs to be done. Explaining thy WHYs can go a long way.....*











i agree with everything, especially the bolded. i think the response of never allowing him to watch your dd again is really sad.


----------



## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife* 
I'm guessing he didn't realize how much of a safety issue it was. I mean, he must have known you didn't want him to drive b/c you specifically said to walk since he didn't have a carseat, but I'm thinking that at the time he figured taking a chance and driving 3 blocks was better than walking in the rain. Not that it was really a good choice, but I'm guessing he meant well. I could see my dad or FIL doing the same thing, TBH. Back when they had 3-4 yo kids, they probably weren't even in a booster seat much less a harnessed carseat, so I don't think they always quite understand (even when it's spelled out for them).


I agree. It wasn't that long ago that nobody's kids had a carseat. When I was a kid, we barely had seatbelts. 40 years ago, carseats just hooked over the front seat.

I would complain about it to friends, but to him I would very gently explain to him the importance of carseats. I don't think it's necessary to be mad at him.


----------



## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

Anastasiya put it very well.


----------



## Roxswood (Jun 29, 2006)

Honestly I would be furious too that he had disregarded you in that way as well as taking that risk with your child.

I think I would try to talk to him and explain that you were not going to leave the child with him in future if anything like this happened again because carseat safety was not a issue you would compromise on. I would be willing to not leave her alone with him again if he wasn't willing to really listen and take this on board.

I will not leave my dd alone with her grandfather (my fil) again because I do not trust him to keep her safe. We all shared a house for a couple of months and she had gone upstairs (at age 3) to talk to him while he was doing diy and I came into the room and saw her bouncing on the bed while waving around a pointy ended screwdriver. Standing on the floor holding a screwdriver, fine... bouncing on the bed empty handed.. not so happy with (in that particular room at that time) but two combined was ludicrous in my view. He also ignored her if she cried out in the evening on the couple of times he babysat for her and thats not ok either. But the main thing was that he showed absolutely no regard for my decisions as HER MUMMY and insisted that he wasn't doing anything wrong and that if we would just listen to him and do it his way then everyone would be better off.
We haven't seen him in 2.5years though now thankfully. He eventually made it really clear he disliked me and thought everything I did was wrong and tried to turn my husband against me. So I have issues other than just the safety ones that may be affecting my judgement somewhat...


----------



## an_aurora (Jun 2, 2006)

That would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me. I don't care what his intentions were, or what his thought process was, the truth is that he KNEW he was not supposed to drive her without a car seat, and did so anyway. No excuse for that.


----------



## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

I truly am sorry he did that, and I agree that it was wrong.

But I do see the lighter side of this...reminds me of when my 5yo sis was showing off her new Trufit and my Dad said, "What! You're too old for a seat! That's for babies!"

Gah!!! LOL

It's all better now. But really that moment was a GAH moment.


----------



## Amila (Apr 4, 2006)

So Dh was a bit hard on him, and he felt really bad. He apologized to me up and down and promised that it would never happen again. I believe him. He isn't the kind of person to go against my wishes intentionally. He literally just didn't want DD to have to walk in the rain (even though she kept saying "Pop Pop, I have a raincoat you know..." Lol.


----------



## an_aurora (Jun 2, 2006)

GLad it's taken care of. Maybe next time just install the seat for him whether he intends on driving or not, in case of emergencies.


----------



## Miss Chris (May 7, 2007)

I think it might be harder than we think for older generations to keep up with the major shifts in parenting attitudes in the last 30 years. I remember when my daughter was only a few weeks old my husband's parents pulled a giant guilt trip on us and basically forced us to go to the wedding of my husband's step sister. It was a 6 hour drive each way, made longer by terrible traffic and having to stop all the time to tend to our DD. I was still recovering from the delivery, we were very green and nervous new parents and the whole trip was a major trial.

When I was venting to my mom she understood my frustration but didn't really get why the long car drive was such a problem. A few days later she confessed to me that she hadn't understood when we were first talking that we had to pull over every time the baby needed anything, food, diaper, cuddle, whatever. She had been thinking of my own infancy when long car rides were easy, even fun for them. My dad would drive and she would nurse me or change me or whatever while they sped happily down the highway. She is a responsible person who I trust to take care of my child completely. She is only in her 50's so its not like her experience is from 50 years ago, but she just wasn't up to date. She also advised me to start giving my EBF daughter bottles mixed with rice cereal to get her to sleep through the night. She means well and she's trying to help but a lot of her information is just outdated. Because we're in the trenches of parenting right now we feel like all this stuff is super BASIC and common knowledge, but it really isn't.

I'm trying to say I would cut your FIL some slack. If he's usually a reliable, responsible, trustworthy person and this was honestly just a misunderstanding of the importance of the situation than, by all means, talk to him and impress on him the importance of using a carseat EVERY SINGLE TIME, then let it go. It would be too sad to disrupt a good family relationship over a single mistake, even an important one like this.

Someday, if we're lucky, we'll be grandparents and our kids will be rolling their eyes in horror at all the crazy things we used to do to them when they were babies. Hopefully they'll be patient with us too.

Miss Chris

edited to say: you wrote your update while I was writing my post. I'm glad it worked out okay.


----------



## caiesmommy (Feb 26, 2007)

I can completly see my F-I-L do this..one time he actually tried to strap ds car seat into the BACK I mean trunk back of their station wagon so we could all fit into it to go somewhere









My mil and fil have issues w the carseats, dont understand the point ect. It took my fil becoming a school bus driver to see how serious it is. Not to mention my dh telling him "NOTHING..I MEAN NOTHING is worth me losing my kids..especially taking 2 cars".Here even if your drive is safe it doesnt matter, you get pulled over your license is suspended and cas is called...rightfully so


----------

