# So Heartbroken - How to Forgive Myself???



## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Well, this is the one part of the board I had hoped to never belong. But now I do. We lost our little girl, Reese Marley, on Wednesday Feb. 20. It was my 14-week app't and I was so thrilled to be having my 3rd little girl. I had no suspicions that anything was wrong.

When the dr. couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, I still wasn't worried. Then he suggested an u/s and I knew right away that something was terribly wrong. My little girl, who had been measuring a week ahead, looked so small and curled up and still. And there was no h/b.

She died around 11 weeks. That is around the time I had a CVS done. I won't ever judge any woman for having a CVS or amnio or whatnot but I will never forgive myself. We won't ever know for sure but I feel in my heart that it was this procedure that killed her. How will I ever forgive myself????? And will I ever feel like my family isn't missing someone? I have always felt so bad for others who have suffered losses but honestly, this is ever harder than I thought it would be.


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## MamabearTo4 (May 31, 2006)

Oh, mama.







I know just how you feel. My babe died two days after an ultrasound. I think about that often and have vowed to avoid ultrasound at all costs with my next pregnancy.

We can't blame ourselves for the decision to have those tests done. It's so hard, and I must remind myself of that every day. There is really no way of knowing, and the best we can do is to plan for what is whole in our hearts for our next pregnancies.

I'm thinking of you. I was absolutely crushed to read about Reese's passing. I'm truly so sorry, mama.


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## nummies (Jun 9, 2007)

So sorry mama. Be kind to yourself today.









Have you thought of doing something to remember your little one? We had a little burial ceremony with just DH and I. We wrote her letters, I bought a necklace that said her name, and we bought Christmas ornaments for our tree. We talk of her often. In fact, I talk to her a lot. It helps.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Oh mama, my heart is just breaking for you & little Reese. There's no way you would've known what would happen, and it's not for sure that the CVS testing was the cause. Please, please don't blame yourself









I relate to your feelings though, and it has been so difficult to work through them. I think I will always carry that heaviness of feeling I carried out a death sentence to my baby as I had a MTX injection. I've always wondered if my dates were off, or if the u/s was wrong - and I'll never know the truth now, but if any of those are right, then yes I am responsible for my angel passing and I just don't know how to deal with any of it. Sometimes I think the not knowing keeps me on a sanity balance... somewhat. My biggest issue is not letting those thoughts consume me as much as they creep into my mind.

I hope that you take your time to sort things out, and do something to remember Reese with, but she'll never be forgotten. I wish that none of us ever had to go through it, it's more pain than any mama should ever endure. Sending you much love, peace, prayers & healing
















Reese


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## leobabe (Dec 29, 2007)

oh no. you need such a lot of tlc right now (obviously.) but as said, please be kind to yourself.
i'm so sorry.


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## Amydoula (Jun 20, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I"m sorry for your loss. It wasn't your fault.









Quote:


Originally Posted by *nummies* 
So sorry mama. Be kind to yourself today.









Have you thought of doing something to remember your little one? We had a little burial ceremony with just DH and I. We wrote her letters, *I bought a necklace that said her name*, and we bought Christmas ornaments for our tree. We talk of her often. In fact, I talk to her a lot. It helps.

I have bought several things for my deceased baby. I am considering buying a blanket with his name embroidered on it.


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## veganmama719 (Sep 15, 2007)

I am very sorry for your loss mama.........


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I am so sorry mama, it wasn't your fault. Its natural to look for a place to blame, but it was not your fault.


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## poopzmom (Jul 29, 2006)

I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for you. I had a mc in October so I understand your pain.

Please be easy on yourself. If you are looking for a way to honor your little one there is a WAHM who makes memory bracelets. Her site is http://hyenacart.com/cherishedstones/

I got one after my loss and I plan on wearing it every Mothers Day.


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## finn'smama (Jan 11, 2006)

Oh mama, I am so sorry.







Please don't blame yourself...


















Anika


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## texaspeach (Jun 19, 2005)

I am so sorry


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

It's hard not to blame ourselves even if it isn't our fault. Emotions and feelings never work the way we want them to. I'm sorry.









I never thought I would be part of this area of the forum either. Much love, peace and healing to you.


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## jaclyn7 (Jun 9, 2005)

I am so sorry.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry. Much love to you. Please take care.










Jen


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

I just want to thank each of you for your support. I am so touched that people who don't even know me are reaching out and offering me love in this time of pain. It helps, it really does. I will be making Reese a memory box and including these posts.

I still have a long way to go to heal and forgive myself but I am hoping that I can one day think about my pregnancy with joy rather than sorrow. My heart goes out to everyone out there who has also suffered a loss.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Oh no!! I remember replying to your CVS thread. The risk of m/c from CVS is very, very small, and since most CVS tests are conducted around the same time women would miscarry spontaneously, there's no way to know if this was the cause. Since statistically the risk of CVS is much smaller than the general risk of spontaneous miscarriage, the odds are that it was not caused by the CVS. Please don't blame yourself! I'm so sorry







.


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## EricaE (Aug 1, 2003)

I am so sorry


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## peacelovingmama (Apr 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meowee* 
Oh no!! I remember replying to your CVS thread. The risk of m/c from CVS is very, very small, and since most CVS tests are conducted around the same time women would miscarry spontaneously, there's no way to know if this was the cause. Since statistically the risk of CVS is much smaller than the general risk of spontaneous miscarriage, the odds are that it was not caused by the CVS. Please don't blame yourself! I'm so sorry







.

I know you are right and the more I think about it, the more I see that it more likely would have happened anyhow since my odds of m/c are pretty high due to my age and the CVS m/c odds were around .25% at UCSF. So I comfort myself with that. The hard part is not knowing. But then, I guess most people never get answers. Horrible things just happen. Thank you for your post.


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## geechigirl (Jan 31, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.


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## juneau (May 20, 2005)

Hi *Peacelovingmama*, I just posted over in the One Day at a Time thread with my story. Briefly, I lost my son Daniel at 14 weeks from a massive uterine infection almost two years ago, after a CVS at 11 weeks showed him to be chromosomally normal. I had to go through L&D, and I felt him move just before I gave birth to him. It was the saddest moment of my life.

I can so relate to your feelings of self-doubt and blame. Even almost two years out I still have a lot of doubt and anger. The only thing that helped me was weekly psychotherapy for many months. I haven't been to see my therapist in a while, because I've been feeling pretty good lately, but I know she's there if I ever need to touch base.

I did make a memory box for Daniel and a nurse made me some cards with his footprints -- so tiny! At first I thought I wouldn't want them but now they are the most precious thing I have. I buried him in a special box in a special place, wrapped in silk and pinned with silver, with some breastmilk for the journey. But sometimes I still feel like I want to dig up that box and just hold him close.

I am sad when someone asks my daughter if she has any brothers and sisters and she says "no." I do still miss him constantly but when I think about him it isn't with the same desperation any more. The hurt will never completely go away but it does get easier to bear.


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