# Mom at BRU "felt bad" when she saw me carrying my son in a sling



## HoneymoonBaby (Mar 31, 2004)

It was our third errand of the day and Ian was getting very tired and fussy, so I slung him into BRU to pick up a baby gate instead of making him ride in the cart. Ian is very large for his age and people assume he is much older than he is. There was a lady in the aisle with me pushing her unhappy 18-month-old in the cart. Ian kept smiling at the little girl and the mom asked me how old he was. I told her "almost nine months," to which she responded "Oh, I thought he was closer to my daughter's age, now I don't feel so bad for not carrying her. When I saw you come in, I felt so guilty for not carrying her."

SHEESH! What do you say to that? I sincerely hope people don't routinely go around feeling guilty when they see me carry Ian. At age 9 mos. and 24 pounds, I do it because it keeps him quiet when he's tired, not because I particularly enjoy carrying him. I mean, it's great to be close to him and all, but he's heavy and extremely squirmy and it's honestly not my first choice to carry him all over Babies R Us. If he were lighter and more cooperative, sure, but the way he is, he makes it hard to hold him and nine times out of ten I'd prefer he agree to ride in the stroller.

Anyway, this mama didn't see me the preceding two hours while I pushed Ian around the fabric store in his stroller and Target in the cart. She didn't see when he was whining to be picked up toward the end of our Target run and I didn't give in until I HAD to.

I guess the snapshot judging goes both ways. I see posts all the time condemning moms over a three-minute encounter when the child was crying, a bottle was propped, etc. But I know many of us probably compare ourselves to the "supermoms" we see in our daily lives and feel bad about it. All I'm saying is that the supermom probably isn't any better than you. This mama thought I really had my AP stuff together, and I SO TOTALLY DON'T. She just caught me at a good moment. Most people, whether you see them at their worst or best, are a lot more like you than you think.

I'm babbling. Anyway, I just wanted to share that.


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## mom2savannah_grace (Jul 31, 2004)

Thanks for showing us the other side of snap judgment.


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## Mommy&Will (May 22, 2003)

I think its too bad, also, that most people think slinging has to be an "all-or-nothing" lifestyle. Its like "those" people (i.e. natural parenting people) sling but "mainstream" people don't.... I don't know what you could say to the mama in that situation to covey to her that your just like any other mama using what tools you have to do your best....I know that I don't sling in order to "not feel guilty" but for complete, and total CONVENIENCE! LOL!


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## bethwl (May 10, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommy&Will*
I think its too bad, also, that most people think slinging has to be an "all-or-nothing" lifestyle.

ITA. If she felt guilty, then she must feel like carrying her daughter more would be better, but for some reason she doesn't. Part of me thinks women who think like this figure, if I hold her a little, I'll have to hold her a lot and I can't handle that because (she's too heavy, I'm too tired, etc.). But try it! Do it once out of every three times you run an errand. Use the cart or the stroller on other times, that's fine. But slinging is always an option. It's not like once you do it once, you can't turn back (even if this turns out to be the case for those who get addicted to slings).


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## laralou (Nov 27, 2001)

You must live in a super area for her to even consider wearing her 18mo. I never see a mom in a sling here unless I am at LLL.


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

I actually feel guilty when I see that too but my DD *hates* the sling and loves the shopping cart! I always pick her up when she wants out tho.

I think AP is not about slinging your baby though its about doing the right thing for your baby at the right time.

Thanks for giving us the other side and will think of you next time I am whizzing around my DD in the shopping cart which she thinks is the best game ever!


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

In a situation like that I answer with "oh, no you can use them up until they're X amount of weight usually around 3 years old". Sometimes the moms say they used "insert the latest mainstream carrier" until the baby got to usually around 3 months and the baby was too heavy. Often it seems like they're saying it as an justification themselves on why they stopped wearing the baby.


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## Stardancer (Apr 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Destinye*
I think AP is not about slinging your baby though its about doing the right thing for your baby at the right time.

I couldn't agree more!


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## youngnhappymamma (Feb 3, 2002)

I'm sorry, and not to wish guilt on anyone, but I hope that moms who see my child in the sling do feel a twinge of guilt ....all babies deserve to be held and all moms deserve to feel the peace and confidence that comes from wearing your baby. I hope that moms seeing me wear my baby (with three other young children in tow) can see that all the excuses our society provides for not carrying babies don't have to be an excuse for them. It is not always the easiest or most comfortable thing to carry my child in the sling, but it is the best. Having children is not about what is easiest....it should be about what is best....for both mom and baby. And, most of the time, it is easier (my baby basically never cries no matter where we are, my hands are free to shop, help other kids, unload groceries, etc among other things....) And, yes...I know there are reasons why some moms can't wear their child on a regular basis (I don't know...maybe back injury or something?) but it should be the goal.


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## HoneymoonBaby (Mar 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *youngnhappymamma*
I'm sorry, and not to wish guilt on anyone, but I hope that moms who see my child in the sling do feel a twinge of guilt ....all babies deserve to be held and all moms deserve to feel the peace and confidence that comes from wearing your baby. I hope that moms seeing me wear my baby (with three other young children in tow) can see that all the excuses our society provides for not carrying babies don't have to be an excuse for them. It is not always the easiest or most comfortable thing to carry my child in the sling, but it is the best. Having children is not about what is easiest....it should be about what is best....for both mom and baby. And, most of the time, it is easier (my baby basically never cries no matter where we are, my hands are free to shop, help other kids, unload groceries, etc among other things....) And, yes...I know there are reasons why some moms can't wear their child on a regular basis (I don't know...maybe back injury or something?) but it should be the goal.

See, I can't identify with this feeling. I don't WANT other mamas to feel bad because they think they don't measure up to MY standard.

I don't sling because it makes me feel superior. I don't sling to make a point. I sling because it works for me and my son.

I just hate to see mamas compare each other. I mean, I'm looking at this lady thinking, "Oh, her daughter is so cute, but she must be sleepy, she's kinda fussy." Meanwhile, she's thinking, "Oh, I should be carrying DD. I bet that woman thinks I'm awful for leaving her in the cart to fuss when she's carrying her baby who looks about DD's age and he looks so content." NO, I was not thinking that, I don't presume to know whether she's tried babywearing or not, whether the kid hates to be carried or she's tired, sick, teething, etc. It's none of my business. I hate hate hate comparisons and competition in parenting. It makes me sad. Just because I sling my son does not mean I think all mamas should!


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## meco (Mar 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *youngnhappymamma*
....all babies deserve to be held and all moms deserve to feel the peace and confidence that comes from wearing your baby. I hope that moms seeing me wear my baby (with three other young children in tow) can see that all the excuses our society provides for not carrying babies don't have to be an excuse for them. It is not always the easiest or most comfortable thing to carry my child in the sling, but it is the best. Having children is not about what is easiest....it should be about what is best....for both mom and baby.









I agree all babies deserve to be held.

I too wear my son because he likes it, and we are pedestrians and a stroller in Manhattan with buses and subways and narrow aisles is not happening. Also because I want people to ask about it and to see me doing it, I like to talk about babywearing. I am passionate about it. I want people to do it. Not to feel bad about not doing it, but to know there are other options. I always get stopped and someone asks me about it. I also consider it exercise (trying wearing 30 lbs all over the city, every day :LOL).

I saw a woman today with what looked like a 2 year old in a Snugli. She sees me with my 2 year old in a sling, and chats me up and learns there are other options to safely and effectively carry a child.

Just like one day I hope that BFIng and cosleeping is the norm, I too hope babywearing is the norm







And part of that invovles one sharing with another.

If someone approached me as they had the OP, I would have chatted about slings, the different kinds, the benefit, etc. I would have told her about all the options out there, and how much easier it makes me. Relate to her real life experience about how they work. I do it all the time, and no one ever is offended by it


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## youngnhappymamma (Feb 3, 2002)

Just to clarify, I was not saying that I feel "superior" because I wear my baby...but I was saying that because I do my baby reaps the benefits as do I....and everyone deserves that.
And, I feel very motivated when I see a mom doing something with her child that I *know* I should be doing with my child but I am not....comparing can be a very unhealthy thing, but it can also be a great motivator.


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## sistermama (May 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meco*
I like to talk about babywearing. I am passionate about it. I want people to do it. Not to feel bad about not doing it, but to know there are other options.

Same here! I want all mamas to know how much EASIER baby wearing makes your life.

And, I must add, I do feel a tad bit superior when I breeze handsfree through the airport with two children.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

I had DD in a sling today . . .she's 3 and was wearing Mini Mouse ears, so I think we attracted some attention. I wear her when we have to go through a parking lot and I need to get somewhere fast w/o a stroller, otherwise she does prefer a stroller.

Anyway, this lady said, "That's a REALLY big girl to be carrying." (DD weighs less than 30 lbs, mind you.) I just managed a little grin and DD got annoyed that the lady called her a "girl" instead of "Mini Mouse" (yes, she's REALLY into role playing). :LOL It's funny how carrying children attracts attention here.

To the OP, I think all parents, regardless of their choices, feel guilt. I don't think we can CAUSE the guilt-- people feel how they feel and we can't force them!-- so I wouldn't take responsibility for it. In any case, she ultimately DID NOT feel guilty because she used your DS's age as a rationale . . .she ignored the fact that her DD was unhappy, even at the "old" age of 18 months. Granted, when my 3 y.o. wants to be carried upstairs to our 2nd floor apartment and my hands are full of groceries (or I am feeling esp. pregnant!) I ignore her wants, too!!!


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## Destinye (Aug 27, 2003)

I was going to post this in BabyWearing though but what if your DD or DS does not want to go in a sling? I carry/hold/co-sleep, nap on lap w/ DD 13.5 mo but she absolutely refuses to go in a sling, carrier, backpack, hip hammock though did when she was younger. It would probably be easier if she would but she is quite clear about her wants and needs and I have decided to respect that. I hoped the hip hammock would work but she just cried until I took her out. I am OK with it but sometimes it feels like I got an F in babywearing! I am luckily not someone who minds toting a 25 lb baby with or without a sling or carrier!


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## HoneymoonBaby (Mar 31, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommy&Will*
I think its too bad, also, that most people think slinging has to be an "all-or-nothing" lifestyle. Its like "those" people (i.e. natural parenting people) sling but "mainstream" people don't.... I don't know what you could say to the mama in that situation to covey to her that your just like any other mama using what tools you have to do your best....I know that I don't sling in order to "not feel guilty" but for complete, and total CONVENIENCE! LOL!

What I said to her is, "Well, he's tired, and we've been running around all morning, so it's kind of a necessity. Trust me, everyone in this store is happier because I'm carrying him. Because if I wasn't, you'd be hearing about it!"

It's all about doing what needs to be done to help Ian keep it together when we're out and about, you know?


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## Mommy&Will (May 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *HoneymoonBaby*

It's all about doing what needs to be done to help Ian keep it together when we're out and about, you know?


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## bamamom (Dec 9, 2004)

I also get an F in babywearing, at least when it comes to my dd. she always always hated the sling, no matter what. I have different brands of slings, etc. I know i can use one right, they loved it. She just happens to hate it.


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## Mrs Dimples (Apr 17, 2004)

I have to say that I would be pretty uncomfortable too if someone approached me and said they felt guilty because they weren't wearing their toddler, baby, or whatever. At my son's particular age and level of activity (18 months, and HIGHLY active







: ) I am totally with the PP who said they just do whatever they have to do to keep him happy. Usually that is some combo of slinging, walking, strollering/carting, letting HIM push the empty stroller or cart







, and probably a couple of other things that I forgot because I was too busy chasing after him! :LOL I have been known, however, to sling him when it wasn't entirely necessary just to make a point. It was a good, uplifting point, though - just because I knew I would be in a place where not many people would have been familiar with babywearing, and where lots of people could benefit from the knowledge of it. Like, I went to visit my sister who is at school at BYU. People in that town are procreating like you would not freaking believe, and I think they should be giving out slings on the street corners! But the whole weekend I was there, I did not see a single sling. Not so much as a Snugli. So I made sure to sling him darn near everywhere I could, just so that the maximum number of people were exposed to babywearing. Just because I think that SO many people would just love to have one if they only knew such a thing existed! But I would never want to make someone feel guilty for something like that. Just because someone isn't slinging does NOT mean that their child is neglected - it may just mean the mom is unaware of the possibility, or there could be a million reasons, none of which mean that they are harming their child. Well, I'm rambling...trying to watch South Park and type at the same time...







:


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## HoneymoonBaby (Mar 31, 2004)

Mrs. Dimples, that's what I was trying to say. I don't want to make people feel guilty for their own parenting because of the way I parent my child -- I just want to parent my child! I just hope that I don't come off as some self-superior martyr of a mother, you know? I have my bad moments (hours, days) just like everyone else! I just hate that some mama who is trying her best made a snap judgment of me as some wonderful parent and felt guilty and inadequate because of it. I know it's not my fault, but it still sucks.


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## Mrs Dimples (Apr 17, 2004)

Yeah, I know - that's one of teh hazards of being a nice person, I guess! :LOL But of course you have no control over how someone else will react to a given situation. Hopefully she was reassured by her interaction with you and will be able to go easy on herself.


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## jenrose (Apr 25, 2004)

For me, if a child wants to be carried, and I have a sling, they can be in the sling, or they can be down, but I don't generally give the option of anything else. For kids that want up and down "all the time" pouches are a godsend... I find that with walking-age babies, the easiest thing to do with a pouch or ring sling is, rather than drop them in from the top, I bend over and scoop them up by pulling it down over them in almost exactly the motion I might use to pick them up (only closer to my body.) There's a pic of me doing this in the mamababy instructions with a 4-year-old...

I wear my babies, bf *forever* practically, cosleep, etc...but I have limits to how much I will let my child call the shots when it involves me doing something in a way that is more likely to cause me pain than the way I want to do it. And arm-carrying a 13 month old... my dd was, oh, 26-27 pounds at that age and even a few months prior I'd get cramps in my arms from lugging her around on one hip. Once we got pouches, it was the pouch or the stroller or her own two feet (or crawling, depending on where we were). I don't need the chiropractic bills that come for me with arm-carrying a toddler!


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## Bekka (Nov 20, 2001)

Kind of OT

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mrs Dimples*
m the knowledge of it. Like, I went to visit my sister who is at school at BYU. People in that town are procreating like you would not freaking believe, and I think they should be giving out slings on the street corners! But the whole weekend I was there, I did not see a single sling. Not so much as a Snugli.

:LOL :LOL

So true!!!!!!!!! I'm really surprised that you didn't see any slings, Baby Bjorns, Snugli, etc. b/c I know lots of people who went to BYU, and the ones that have kids usually have some (more mainstream) way to carry baby that isn't a stroller--frame backpack, snugli, etc. My mom even used a Snugli-type carrier for my younger sibs when I was little.


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