# My son wants to be a girl (update, #33, not good)



## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

*My son wants to be a girl (update in post #105, seven yrs later)*

No, really. I don't think this is a "stage." I am looking for similar experiences and how the mamas handled this.

He is five and a half years old. Ever since he was old enough to walk, talk and express an opinion, he's wanted to wear mama's clothes and shoes. Wanted to carry a purse. Been interested in dolls and fairies and flowers and butterflies and princesses and all things... well, girl.

Now, while it doesn't concern me in terms of trying to change him or anything, it does concern me when it involves the way he interacts or is treated by others. To compound matters, he has Asperger's, so his socialization skills are already completely jacked up. He just can't relate to ANYONE.

And it really doesn't help that his very favorite outfit is a white sundress with cherries printed on it, accented by a purple headband.

Seriously, this child has, from the very beginning, been interested in whatever you'd expect a girl of his age to be drawn to. He was a pirate for Halloween two years ago, and the only pictures I have of him, he was sad and almost crying because his dad wouldn't let him be a princess instead. He has also started to insist that his name is "Adrienne." (The reason for this choice is that he pointedly asked me what I would call him if he had a girl-name - which I took to mean, what would I have named him had been BORN a girl - and I told him Adrienne... so he's decided that's now his real name.)

Just tonight, he was watching the Olympics and told me he was going to jump and dance on that long stick like the girl he saw (women's gymnastics, balance beam). I encouraged this as he showed me how he would jump and twirl, and then he started detailing the beautiful pink leotard he would wear, complete with sparkles and lace. We began to talk about the differences in clothes between the girl and boy gymnasts... and between him and his sister. I pointed out that he had a penis like his baby brother, which made him a boy, and his sister had a vagina like me, which made us girls.

"But, I'm a girl," he said (and he says this _often_, like every day). Then, something new, "I have a vagina, that makes me a girl."

"You have a boy's body, and a penis," I reminded him. "Like your baby brother."

He looked thoughtful, then his sweet face lit up and he exclaimed, "When I grow up, I am going to have a vagina and be a girl, too!!"

This little guy has always wanted to be a girl. I don't want to change him, don't ever, EVER want him to be ashamed or feel he has to hide his true self from the world. But, I don't know how to do this. He is so young. Only five, and how do you explain to his seven year old friend and his same-age classmates that his wanting to wear a dress and play Princess instead of Space Explorers is okay? How do I tell him he looks beautiful in his new dress... but then tell him he can't wear it around his uncle (who is extremely uncomfortable with this) or out in public?

I hurt for my sweet child. In my heart I feel he was assigned to the wrong body. But to guide him through this life and try to shield him from the hate and confusion he will be faced with... while simultaneously dealing with his autistic issues... I just don't know how to do this.

Is there anyone out there who has dealt with this??


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## Ziggysmama (Dec 26, 2007)

Hi mama, couldn't read and not respond.

There are some real wise mamas with kids just like yours on this board that I am sure will be along soon to talk with you.

In the mean time, this blog is really good - http://labelsareforjars.wordpress.com/ - its by an MDC mama...

Also I think that you need to put your childs comfort in front of his uncles and the publics, I understand you want to protect him from harm, but forcing him to smething other than himself may be just as damaging.








Maybe you need to just embrace the whole thing, let him wear what he wants and call him Adrienne if he wants you too....There will be no harm in it...


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Might get some flack for this. But have you thought of just letting him be a girl? When he's not at school and Uncle isn't around, just let him be Adrienne?

I don't know how big of a community you live in, but if it's big enough, there's really not much of a chance that strangers will really notice in passing that you have a son, just a girl with short hair.

Quote:

In my heart I feel he was assigned to the wrong body. But to guide him through this life and try to shield him from the hate and confusion he will be faced with...
The first part. That puts you ahead of so many parents who have to deal with this. Your feeling the same thing he's feeling.

The second part there, unfortunatly is impossible. This world is just not set up for people like him and no matter how hard you try, there will be hate and confusion. The best thing you can do is accept who he is and hope that together you can both be strong enough to handle it.


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## Bird Girl (Mar 12, 2007)

I couldn't read this and not offer a









It's wonderful that you are already supporting him. I wish I had some words of wisdom for coping with the outside world. Perhaps you could let him know that some people feel more comfortable with strict "rules" about what girls like and can do and what boys like and can do, and that those people can make life harder for those who understand that boys and girls can both like the same things and to look the same way?

Are there any little girls his age or perhaps a bit younger who could be playmates? In my experience, girls are happy to have another dress-up partner and are less threatened by boys who also like dress-up.


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## avalonfaith (Dec 29, 2005)

PFLAG

Check out this link. not saying your son is gay just cause of his gender, just that these people are awesome and would be a great place to start.


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## melissanc (Jun 24, 2008)

My DS is 6 1/2 and has always exhibited a strong feminine side which I have not discouraged. Over time I have heard opinions from most everyone on the how and why of his behaviors. I have allowed both long hair and wearing dresses and am fortunate enough to work from home and home school so I may not have many of the issues others would face. I do wonder if his behavior means that he is transgendered. I have heard of children younger than Chris that verbalize that they are girls in a boys body. Chris will tell me he likes looking like a girl and playing like the girls and being friends with the girls but he has not stated he wants to be a girl. So I am not sure where it is all headed in the long run.

I do know this however. I adore my child and he or she is happy and healthy. Be careful of anyone that would ask you to force something on your child such as "making " him become more boyish. Several times I almost allowed the opinions of others to alter how I raise him. Even to the point of cutting his hair short which now I thank goodness I did not go through with. I honestly believe it would have been horribly traumatic and we both would have been miserable. I would allow him to act and look the way he is most comfortable. If like us that means wearing dresses or having really long hair so be it.

I am still new to these forums and it was such a relief to realize that there were others in my situation and even more supportive of how I am raising my child. I am sure you will find all the support you need here. I know I am!


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## ziggy (Feb 8, 2007)

I have a lot of trans friends, both mtf (male to female) and ftm (female to male) as well as a bunch of other friends who identify outside the binary gender spectrum.

And not one of us, myself included, felt accepted by our parents. We were forced into gender normative hobbies, or allowed to do the ones of our choice but continuously told how odd it was. So, already, the fact that you're willing to accept this puts you lightyears ahead.

You may have an effeminate son, and you may have a daughter. Either way, love hir, show hir that offer nothing but love and support, and if ze expresses interest in playing football, let hir play football, and if ze wants to do ballet, and wear the same leotard as the other girls, find a dance studio that will let hir do that. Let hir know that you are on HIR side, always. When ze goes to school, let hir wear a pink sparkly top if the school says no way to wearing dresses. Let hir go by Adrienne if that's what ze wants, even at school. Believe me, if I have a friend who got teachers to call her Kiwi for eight years of public education, I think you can manage with Adrienne.

Things may suck for your kid at times. However, they will suck more if you don't support hir.


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## Mom2Joseph (May 31, 2006)

My DS is 4 1/2, as Aspergers and has loved to wear girl clothes, dresses, loves pink and flowers (which I don't see any of that as being "girl" stuff at this age, except for the dresses) want to wear dresses out in public....he even told me once "Well, I was *supposed* to be a girl, but i'm not!"

I dont' make any deal out of it. Tell him he can wear what he wants at home and can choose equally comfortable but appropriate clothing out in public and let it go.

I don't discourage or encourage or comment on it in any way really. It comes and goes. I'm just letting him find his own way and if people criticize or say anything I tell them to leave him alone.

DS loves to do traditionally "feminine" things but there are lots of men who do and they don't have gender or sexual orientation issues. And if my DS does, I don't care, I love him anyway.


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## MommaFox (Jul 21, 2008)

I couldn't agree more with the PP. I'd be tempted to register hir under the name and gender of hir choice. And to deffinently do it in the higher grades if this remains an issue. Years ago there was a movie called "Something Special" and while it has alot of magic dust and wishin stars in it, it deals with gender assignment and sexuality. You might check it out, if you can find it. I'd try u-tube, it's got alot of obscure movies that I can't find anyplace else.
P.s. Sometimes.. I _still_ wish I was a guy.
PPs. I'm namin' my baby after Cap'n Tighpants.


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

My feeling on this issue given what I've seen with my own son and with several children that were in my classes when I was a teacher is that *If* its just a stage and he is going to grow out of it, than letting him work through it by dressing and acting and being a girl when he wants to lets the stage be worked through soonest and with the least trauma, and if its not a stage than there is no point in NOT letting him dress and be a girl because its not going to change.

But







its great you are so accepting, but despite our best intentions I don't always think its easy to put aside our own expectations. Getting support from parents going through the same thing would probably help, especially for your DH who seems a bit less comfortable.

Is where you live generally accepting of such differences or not? That can be hard. Here there are so many children dressed in gender neutral ways that it is no big deal to see what is clearly a little boy in a dress, or a girl with super short hair and construction boots, often I can't tell what gender a child is all the way up til puberty here so this would be no big deal even in school and I can't imagine a school here putting up a fuss about just treating him as a girl if that is what he wants but it's not like that everywhere. I would be careful about that and make sure he wants that and understands it might be hard to change in the future..once the kids know him one way it would be harder to make a switch.

Oh and spelled "Adrian" its cutomarily a gender neutral name anyway


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## H & J's Mom (Jun 1, 2008)

I remember watching Oprah (I'm pretty sure it was Oprah) and she had a family on who's story sounds just like your son's. The parents were wonderful. They decided (not an easy decision they stressed) to let their son be the little girl he wanted to be at around the age your son is now I think. They too saw his heartache to be a girl so many times. The one I remember was a video of him watching his sister's ballet recital &#8230;. very sad.

I think the mom started an online support/info site and gets quite involved with helping other families in the same situation.

Maybe you could find the story on Oprah's site. It was most likely on between Oct 06 and Oct 07 (when I was on maternity leave with my son and had nothing better to do during nap times &#8230

I hope you find some support from mommas in the same situation; it is always so nice to know you're not alone.


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## fyoosh (May 9, 2005)

I don't have time right now to make a longer post, or I would, but I just wanted to offer you a link...
http://www.transfamily.org/
...has a ton of resources on it that you can peruse if you wish.


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## onlyboys (Feb 12, 2004)

I also don't have time to post, but we're in the same situation. My son is 6.5 years old and wears dresses sometimes.









What we decided to do was take each day as it happens and respond positively but most of all LISTEN TO our child. Asher knows who Asher is. I'm just along to love him through it.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ziggy* 
You may have an effeminate son, and you may have a daughter. Either way, love hir, show hir that offer nothing but love and support, and if ze expresses interest in playing football, let hir play football, and if ze wants to do ballet, and wear the same leotard as the other girls, find a dance studio that will let hir do that. Let hir know that you are on HIR side, always. When ze goes to school, let hir wear a pink sparkly top if the school says no way to wearing dresses. Let hir go by Adrienne if that's what ze wants, even at school. Believe me, if I have a friend who got teachers to call her Kiwi for eight years of public education, I think you can manage with Adrienne.

Things may suck for your kid at times. However, they will suck more if you don't support hir.









: My aunt was born with a penis, and she went through years and years of anxiety, psychological issues, suicide threats and attempts, etc before coming out to her parents and others. Since she began living as a female, she has been so much healthier. She still has social difficulties (I would bet on undiagnosed aspergers), but she is so much better than she was for the first 40 years of her life. My grandparents have been awesome and accepting.

Stand up for your child, allow him or her to present as s/he wishes -- even in public, in school, and among less accepting family members. In the long run, the worst that could happen in doing that is that he will be male and roll his eyes at the way you "let" him dress when he was young.


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## Kerlowyn (Mar 15, 2002)

I listened to a story earlier this year, on NPR about 2 families with sons with strong feelings about being girls. Each family followed their own paths, both so moving. You can listen to it here:
Part 1
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...oryId=90247842

Part 2
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...oryId=90273278

The part of the story, where the father talks about a elderly female relative's reaction at a family reunion, had me in tears, I had to pull the car over (happy tears!)

I'll never forget this story....and these children...


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## beka1977 (Aug 1, 2004)

You might also be interested in watching the documentary series "Transgeneration" which is carried by Netflix.


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

Wow, you're an awesome mom and are doing so much good for him. I heard that same show on NPR I think there is more and more awareness slowly creeping into our society that this is a real situation for many children and they and their families need support. You sound like you have a wonderful child!


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## Phoenix~Mama (Dec 24, 2007)

I think this is truly awesome that you are acknowledging this and supporting your child.









I have a very good friend who was born in a male body, but many years ago fully transformed to a female. She is older, and one of the pioneers of the transgender surgeries she has led an amazing life and she is someone I respect very much.

Her Mother was wonderful like you and allowed her to be the girl she knew she was... come middle school and high school, she went to school as a girl and wore dresses and grew out her hair and went by her chosen name.

I would say to let "him" be a girl. You as the parent can know for sure if it's a phase or not, and it does not sound like that to me... the happy news of technology is that he can grow up and have a vagina.









She will have the social crap to deal with sadly, as not everyone can seem to open their silly eyes yet.







But I think it will already be infinite times better with a supportive family.

I would recomend looking into counseling... I know once she is of age they will make her do that before gender re-assignment anyway... I'm not saying counseliing to change her... but to document that this is what she wants and to help deal with the social perils she will face on this journey til she is old enough to make the reassignment happen.

God Bless, Mama.


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## plantmama (Jun 24, 2005)

I also have a transgendered/ transsexual friend who made the transition as an adult. I think if your ds is transgendered it would be so much easier to start that transition as a child. My friend says exactly what you said about your ds that she was born into the wrong body.

A great movie about a young boy dealing with this and his family (a movie for adults) is "Ma Vie En Rose". I thought of it too because the boy in the movie says a lot of the same things as your ds.
You sound like a wonderful mom


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Kudos to you, Mama, for dealing with your child with love and respect.

I have a DS (5.5) who is, as his kindergarten teacher described it, "a bit feminine" (she wasn't being negative). He loves pink and typically "girl" things (though I get uncomfortable with how gendered all those descriptions are) and is also a typical "boy". I love him, his father loves him, and we'll love him if he's gay or transgendered or whatever. He's never said he wanted to be a girl. Just that he wants to grow up and marry a boy!







Think that will be easier on me as a MIL??


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## Past_VNE (Dec 13, 2003)

I don't have any advice to add, but...

I just wanted to say I think you're doing the best for your son and that you're wonderful for being the parent he needs, whether it proves to be a 'stage' or whether he is trans. You rock, Mama!!


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Guess I was wrong about getting flack for my suggestion.

Sorry I underestimated the women here.


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## mama_daba (Dec 7, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Guess I was wrong about getting flack for my suggestion.

Sorry I underestimated the women here.



















mdc is a unique place


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonfroggy* 









mdc is a unique place

Well I'm still learning.







A close friend of the family is transexual and the crap he got growing up for wanting to dress like a girl, especially from his parents, it's amazing he's still such an incredible and confident person.


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## caspian's mama (Mar 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Past_VNE* 
I just wanted to say I think you're doing the best for your son and that you're wonderful for being the parent he needs, whether it proves to be a 'stage' or whether he is trans. You rock, Mama!!









:

personally, i wouldn't let him be affected by anyone else's intolerance, whether from family or the general public. if you "let" him wear dresses at home but not outside, he'll probably internalize there's something wrong with it (when really it's just the naysayers' own issues).

at such a young age you'll have to choose how much info you want to give him regarding reassignment. maybe you could just leave it at "our bodies change a lot as we get older. if you still feel this way then, you can choose do something about it and we will support you."

good luck with this. what an interesting journey. i'm actually a bit surprised that my son's not going through the same thing (he only asked once or twice to wear my eyeshadow when he was about 2yo) but as long as he doesn't ask me to call him "lightning mcqueen", i don't care how he lives his fabulous little life.


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## megincl (Sep 10, 2002)

Just chiming in as I have a boy who bends gender boundaries (see the blog, as mentioned by a pp...thanks!

I think that, in your heart, you know how to honor your son and whoever he is. Whoever said to take it day by day, I believe is right. I'd venture to guess that your son isn't so much struggling with who he is and what he likes right now but, to a certain extent, you are, or at least you're struggling with how to reconcile him and his self expression with the messages the world sends to us.

That's the hardest for me. But I just try every day to honor Q and who he is working on being in the world.

It's definitely a journey.

be well,
megin


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## melissanc (Jun 24, 2008)

I too was pleasantly surprised with the open mindedness of those on this forum. If only the rest of the world was the same.

When Chris began to to really exhibit interests usually associated with girls I went through a range of emotions. Was it my fault? Was it the divorce? Did letting him have long hair somehow " cause " this? Then I realized how much I was over reacting. I have a happy, intelligent child that is an absolute joy to be around and gets along with almost everyone. If only every mom was so lucky.

When you do decide to allow your child to express his/her self be ready for an emotional roller coster but one that is well worth the ride when you see how happy your child is. I still remember Chris first time in public in a dress. I was a nervous wreck and Chris was loving it. When the girls he plays with asked why the dress the answer was so simple...I like it! And with that the kids started playing and nothing else was said. I just wish adults were as easily accepting! And if the day comes you know for sure your child is straight, gay, transgendered or some other part of the rainbow you can simply love and support them and know you are doing the right thing.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

First of all, let me say THANK YOU, from the very bottom of my heart, for the love and support everyone has shown. I simply cannot tell you what it means for me to know that I am not alone and that my son is also not alone. I mean, I knew that, but it's so important to _hear_ it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ziggysmama* 
Also I think that you need to put your childs comfort in front of his uncles and the publics, I understand you want to protect him from harm, but forcing him to smething other than himself may be just as damaging.

I just had a talk with him (the uncle) last night. It really didn't go well. Let me clarify the situation a bit by saying that my children and I actually live with my best friend and her husband (and he is the one who is referred to as the childrens' uncle, as my friend is my sister in so many ways). We've been here a little over 4 months, having escaped an abusive situation with the childrens' father. We are indebted to this wonderful family for opening their hearts and home to us for all this time, allowing me to give birth right there in their bathtub and helping me in these months of unemployment and home-searching.

However, now there is this issue. Uncle B has such a huge problem with my son and the way he's acting... and after this talk, I've realized that it's more than that, it's also Uncle B's issue with HOW I am handling it. He completely disagrees with my support and encouragement of my son to be and dress as his heart tells him he should. B thinks it's a phase, possibly brought on by the abusive treatment from the father. And that if I encourage this behavior, my son will either not grow out of it or will end up being hurt by the other children (although he's not in school yet). He made it pretty clear he thinks I am actually endangering my child by allowing this.

The compromise is that my son can't wear girls' clothing when Uncle B is at home. No evenings and no weekends. I hate this, because it goes against everything my heart says is right. I believe in my child and don't want to have to tell him at 5 pm every day that he has to take his clothes off and put on something else. But it's not my house, and this is obviously a very big deal for the man whose house it is.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *melissanc* 
Be careful of anyone that would ask you to force something on your child such as "making " him become more boyish. Several times I almost allowed the opinions of others to alter how I raise him. Even to the point of cutting his hair short which now I thank goodness I did not go through with. I honestly believe it would have been horribly traumatic and we both would have been miserable. I would allow him to act and look the way he is most comfortable. If like us that means wearing dresses or having really long hair so be it.

I did cut my son's hair a few weeks ago, but he fought it tooth and nail. Now he is back to begging me to let him grow it long, and since the weather won't be nearly as hot in the coming months (well, once we get past August and the first part of September) then I think that I will let him make that choice, and wear it long if he wishes.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ziggy* 
Believe me, if I have a friend who got teachers to call her Kiwi for eight years of public education, I think you can manage with Adrienne.

Things may suck for your kid at times. However, they will suck more if you don't support hir.

I would never dream of not supporting him. That's why the "compromise" hurts so much. HE doesn't understand why he can't wear his clothes on the weekend or why he has to change in the evenings. And Uncle B has been talking differently to him since I've allowed my child to start dressing openly as he has. Not mean, insulting, degrading or anything name-calling, nothing that would openly make my boy feel bad about himself, but just... different. A little more harsh, maybe, just in general. Uncle B is the only positive male role model my son has, and I don't want to see my child start wondering why all of a sudden, there's a difference...

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaFox* 
PPs. I'm namin' my baby after Cap'n Tighpants.

Totally OT, but that is SHINY!!!







Oh and, my newborn? His name is Nathan...









Quote:


Originally Posted by *avivaelona* 
But







its great you are so accepting, but despite our best intentions I don't always think its easy to put aside our own expectations. Getting support from parents going through the same thing would probably help, especially for your DH who seems a bit less comfortable.

Is where you live generally accepting of such differences or not? That can be hard. Here there are so many children dressed in gender neutral ways that it is no big deal to see what is clearly a little boy in a dress, or a girl with super short hair and construction boots, often I can't tell what gender a child is all the way up til puberty here so this would be no big deal even in school and I can't imagine a school here putting up a fuss about just treating him as a girl if that is what he wants but it's not like that everywhere. I would be careful about that and make sure he wants that and understands it might be hard to change in the future..once the kids know him one way it would be harder to make a switch.

As for the "DH" he is only in the picture sporadically. And he doesn't have a problem with it - he's simply said I'm making it up. Or that if it's remotely true, he'd "kick his a** until that sh*t stopped." (You see why I left? That was minor, trust me.)

The area I live in specifically is absolutely NOT open to that kind of thing. The metro area I am closest to is one of the most progressive I've heard of (Dallas) but I live an hour away, in the boonies. I am not enrolling my child in school this year in part because of his Asperger's and in part because of his gender issues. There are large, bully-type country boys who ride the bus, and the neighbor, whose kids have ridden in the past year, has warned me that even her perfectly "average" boys have had a lot of problems. I can't put him that situation knowing he may get hurt when he starts talking about his princess collection and cherry-printed sundress. Working, single mom or not, I will most likely be homeschooling.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
personally, i wouldn't let him be affected by anyone else's intolerance, whether from family or the general public. if you "let" him wear dresses at home but not outside, he'll probably internalize there's something wrong with it (when really it's just the naysayers' own issues).

That's what I am worried about with his Uncle and everyone else.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *megincl* 
Just chiming in as I have a boy who bends gender boundaries (see the blog, as mentioned by a pp...thanks!

I think that, in your heart, you know how to honor your son and whoever he is. Whoever said to take it day by day, I believe is right. I'd venture to guess that your son isn't so much struggling with who he is and what he likes right now but, to a certain extent, you are, or at least you're struggling with how to reconcile him and his self expression with the messages the world sends to us.

That's the hardest for me. But I just try every day to honor Q and who he is working on being in the world.

It's definitely a journey.

be well,
megin

I've been reading your blog. Let me say it brought tears to my eyes that I am not alone in wanting my son to be who he is meant to be. Your Q is lovely in his tank top, just as my Punkin is gorgeous in his "bejewled suit." (He got it yesterday, a pink top with heart-shaped jewels printed all over it and matching purple pants.) I have found a lot of strength in your words and hope in your son's acceptance of his surroundings, how he is treated differently by some. He's a smart one! I wanted to leave a comment on there to that effect, but there's just no words to describe the relief of knowing we're not alone and somehow, we can make it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *melissanc* 
When Chris began to to really exhibit interests usually associated with girls I went through a range of emotions. Was it my fault? Was it the divorce? Did letting him have long hair somehow " cause " this? Then I realized how much I was over reacting. I have a happy, intelligent child that is an absolute joy to be around and gets along with almost everyone. If only every mom was so lucky.

When you do decide to allow your child to express his/her self be ready for an emotional roller coster but one that is well worth the ride when you see how happy your child is. I still remember Chris first time in public in a dress. I was a nervous wreck and Chris was loving it. When the girls he plays with asked why the dress the answer was so simple...I like it! And with that the kids started playing and nothing else was said. I just wish adults were as easily accepting! And if the day comes you know for sure your child is straight, gay, transgendered or some other part of the rainbow you can simply love and support them and know you are doing the right thing.

You, too, give me hope and comfort that I am not alone on this journey. My son actually hasn't gone out in public in his dress yet, but we'll be driving to grandma's tomorrow, so he will... Yesterday when he was picking out his new outfit, I was nervous and self-conscious, but Punkin was in 7th heaven. And he's so proud of his outfit... he just beams with excitement. He cried when he had to take it off early yesterday. And I cried because I don't want to jeopardize where we live and my friendship with these people... I don't have anywhere else to go. But my son... he has rights, too. It's just so hard to know what to do.


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## caspian's mama (Mar 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingSerenity* 
...a pink top with heart-shaped jewels printed all over it and matching purple pants

i am VERY jealous of this. now *i* want a bejeweled suit!









honestly, rather than risk him wondering "am i weird? is something wrong with me?" because of b's hostility, i might just sit him down and explain that, although b feels the way he does and you're going to respect his wishes since you live in his house, that *you* do not feel that way. i would probably go so far as to tell him that b's view is completely ignorant and wrong. if this ends up being more than a "phase" he's going to have to deal with harder crap than this in the years to come, from other children and adults. i'd do everything in my power now to make him feel like he's 100% correct to feel this way and want to express it however he chooses. if b's treating him differently, your son deserves to know why. it might be hurtful since you just left his dad (congrats for that btw







) but he sure doesn't sound like the "positive male role model" i'd want for *my* kid! sorry the man of the house is offended but those are *his* insecure issues and it's not okay for him to force his ignorance on your kiddo.


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## melissanc (Jun 24, 2008)

Aww....you are doing an awesome job with your child! Stand your ground and you will do just fine. Good luck with your first day out with the dress! You will be far more nervous than your child but you will be fine!

it gets MUCH easier with time believe me. I am now at the point I could care less what others think family or not. i have a happy child and he is absolutely adoreable girl or boy! I do admit I LOVE the long hair







There are even gender " rules" for long hair as well! Amazing how restrictive people try to be with gender.


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## Ziggysmama (Dec 26, 2007)

Seeking Serenity... You are awesome. I have heard that there is a school for GBLT youth in the Dallas area. Maybe you can google this and connect up with them for some much needed support.


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## mystiquesmom (May 20, 2008)

I couldn't read this and not give you a







.

20/20 did a story about transgendered children a little while ago which is on youtube.com if you haven't seen it before (search for 20/20 transgendered children as it is in 5 parts). I wish every parent could be as understanding as you are. Please keep us posted.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *caspian's mama* 
...he sure doesn't sound like the "positive male role model" i'd want for *my* kid! sorry the man of the house is offended but those are *his* insecure issues and it's not okay for him to force his ignorance on your kiddo.









Well, I was going to come on here and reply that, in all other respects, Uncle B is very good role model. I am thrilled with the way he handled the kids in all other respects and it warms my heart to see how great he is with the baby. However...

I am at my parents' house this weekend to visit, the first time in over a year. I'd planned to stay a couple of days, relax, let Pop-Pop bond with the baby (he's very ill) and just not think about it. My parents are PERFECTLY okay with my son in all his "girly" finery. This morning, I got a call from Uncle B.

He basically told me he'd changed his mind about our compromise. It was no longer okay for Punkin to wear his pink clothes and dresses in the house - _period_. Even when Uncle B isn't there. Apparently, the night after we talked about all this, my son had worn one of my old maternity shirts as a nightgown, and THAT upset Uncle B. And when I left to come see my parents, although I forced my kids to stay unseen in my room, door closed, the entire morning (I even brought their cereal to them, because I didn't want to chance Uncle B seeing the boy in his bejeweled suit), _and_ when I walked the kids out to the truck I made sure Punkin was wearing a boy shirt... Uncle B glimpsed him as he walked past, and caught out of the corner of his eye that Punkin had on purple pants. So now, there are NO girl clothes to be worn whatsoever by any boy gender in his home.

It's okay, though, for Uncle B's 7-year old son to have long, shaggy hair. Uncle B has long hair. Wears it in a ponytail, in fact. So the 7-year old is fine to be emulating his dad. My son cannot even wear one of my old shirts to bed.

I was told that I am "dooming my son's future" by allowing this.

He told me to take another couple of days at my parents'. I didn't bring enough clothing or diapers, so now I will feel strange coming home tomorrow as planned, because apparently I am not welcome there anymore.

I feel absolutely sick about this. My son is so happy in his bejeweled suit. He wore it to Walmart yesterday and no one, not one single person in this conservative, *******, small Oklahoma town raised an eyebrow. It was suggested to me, however, that I not even HAVE Punkin's beloved clothing, including his new dress (or any of my old shirts he was sleeping in) in the house at all. Uncle B thinks if Punkin doesn't see it, he won't want it. I guess I will have to get rid of my shoes and hide all my own shirts and dresses in a box, or something. What's next, his paper cut-out princess dolls? Will I have to get rid of his Cabbage Patch baby, Sarah, that he's carried everywhere since last Christmas? How far will this go?

I don't talk to him about his parenting skills - it's his house, and I pretty much agree with the way their children are raised anyway. The few minor things I don't agree with, I just don't mention, because it's their family, and I'd never think to tell someone else they are "bad" parents. I was told today that this is due to my bad parenting, though. I guess that's my biggest problem - back to being in a situation where I am being told HOW to raise my child, and not being given a choice in the matter. Because if I don't do it his way, I have no place to go.

I guess, after all is said and done, that very soon we will find ourselves in a shelter anyway. They've helped us and loved us so much... I just can't believe that what clothing a 5-year boy wants to wear is going to destroy friendships and everything else. Where is the fairness in this? How much do I want to compromise about my parenting and my son's right to be his own person?

It breaks my heart.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

so many








to you. I'll be sending good wishes to you all.


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## Past_VNE (Dec 13, 2003)

Oh my god...







...I can't even begin to believe his ignorance. (Well....not true. It doesn't surprise me at all.)

Want to come to a farm in Texas?. The overall climate is no more accommodating, but I've got a 20 acre farm and an extra apartment that welcomes bejeweled suits, mama's clothes and everything else.


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## caspian's mama (Mar 15, 2004)




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## ktbug (Jul 8, 2006)

is there ANY possible way to find another housing situation?
i know that's probably a remote thing, from reading your posts it seems you're in a big pickle right now, but if "uncle b" is suddenly so alpha male and controlling about just the clothes, how long is it until every single thing your son does becomes unacceptable to uncle b? and where the heck is your "best friend" in all of this? is she allowed to tell her husband to shut up? because i'd be hard pressed.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

It sounds awful. I hate to say it because I know you're in a terrible situation, but it is truly damaging for your son to live with that man. I don't care how nice he is about other things. That is emotional abuse.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Is staying at your parents a possibility? You could help in the caring of your father too -- I don't know all of the ins and outs obviously but is there any way?

That is so sad about "uncle B". He doesn't sound like someone I would welcome in my life at all...









You are a wonderful mama and someday your child will be talking about how you stood up for him(her) and how you respected who he(she) was at all costs and that will mean so much more than the potentially rough times ahead.

Peace to you mama.


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
Is staying at your parents a possibility? You could help in the caring of your father too -- I don't know all of the ins and outs obviously but is there any way?

That is so sad about "uncle B". He doesn't sound like someone I would welcome in my life at all...









You are a wonderful mama and someday your child will be talking about how you stood up for him(her) and how you respected who he(she) was at all costs and that will mean so much more than the potentially rough times ahead.

Peace to you mama.

Yes. I also agree with ktbug that if you bend on this, where will it end?

I'm so sorry


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## dillonandmarasmom (May 30, 2005)

I am so sorry. You are an absolutely amazing mama for so many reasons here. Your son sounds like a wonderful little boy, and what a blessing that he has you







.


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## MommaFox (Jul 21, 2008)

Oh my goodness! I don't know what to say. I wish I could make it better for you. Your poor dear child. I'd get out of this situation as soon as you can. It's just not worth it to be in a hateful environment.


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## Ziggysmama (Dec 26, 2007)

SeekingSerenity! OMG! That sucks! Sounds like Uncle B is a controlling person and it is probably not healthy for you guys to be around him.
Can you stay at your parents?
Maybe you can post in your Tribal Area here on MDC and see if there are any mommas who can help you out with Accomadation.
Or check craigslist for a mama in a similar situation who your could house-share with.
I do also reccomend calling a local womens shelter. They should be able to help you access services to help you out and get you into a healthy living situation.
I'll be thinking of you and your LOs....


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## melissanc (Jun 24, 2008)

OMG....that is just awful. This is deja vu to me. He sounds exactly like my ex which is why he is now my ex. He simply could not handle DS exhibiting any feminine behaviors and even with counseling was absolutely rigid on it. After the divorce I actually agreed to let him skip support payments and he just agreed to walk away. I know it sounds dramatic but it was for the best.

You and your lil ones will be in our prayers. Be strong and do what is right for your child.


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## tatermom (Jun 11, 2005)

I hope you can find a housing situation that will be supportive of you and your child. You sound like a wonderful mama. Best of luck!


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Past_VNE* 
Want to come to a farm in Texas?. The overall climate is no more accommodating, but I've got a 20 acre farm and an extra apartment that welcomes bejeweled suits, mama's clothes and everything else.









LOL, what part of Texas? I already live in north-central Texas - and you're right about the weather!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ktbug* 
...and where the heck is your "best friend" in all of this? is she allowed to tell her husband to shut up? because i'd be hard pressed.

She is caught in the middle. According to what's she told me, she agrees with my opinion on how to handle this situation with my child, but also sees her husband's side with regards to his right to be comfortable in his own home. Stuck as she is, she's deferred to him on this. I know she loves my kids like her own (she even briefly wet-nursed my newborn while I had an infection), but when all is said and done, they _aren't_ her children and maybe she thinks a few more weeks, or months or whatever, of my son being forced to conform won't ultimately hurt him.

Although I believe it will. It'll undermine his trust in me to support him or accept him, if nothing else. Because he won't see the distinction between Uncle B not allowing the dresses and me not allowing it - after all, in his world, I am the ultimate authority. Just one more way for this already emotionally-abused child to have his world flipped upside-down.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
It sounds awful. I hate to say it because I know you're in a terrible situation, but it is truly damaging for your son to live with that man. I don't care how nice he is about other things. That is emotional abuse.

I certainly feel it, too. After all I've gone through to get away from an abusive husband, I'm in what I thought was a safe place with a man who basically says, "you will do this my way, period" and I'm left with no other option.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
Is staying at your parents a possibility? You could help in the caring of your father too -- I don't know all of the ins and outs obviously but is there any way?

I wish I could. My sister just moved out a month ago, though, after staying here with her DH and two kids for 10 months following a house fire. I don't think my parents could handle me and three little ones crashing their place this soon after finally getting it back to themselves. And since I don't have a job yet, their fixed income would not be enough after I lost my food stamps because of moving to another state.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ziggysmama* 
...I do also reccomend calling a local womens shelter. They should be able to help you access services to help you out and get you into a healthy living situation.
I'll be thinking of you and your LOs....

Unfortunately that is my next step, when I get back. I'm returning this afternoon. It really hurts, as I went to their house as a way to avoid the shelter. I guess I should be grateful; at least I didn't have to have my baby at a place like that.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *melissanc* 
After the divorce I actually agreed to let him skip support payments and he just agreed to walk away. I know it sounds dramatic but it was for the best.

Not at all. I wish my actual husband would agree to this. I don't even want to address the issue of my son with him... that's just too much on one plate.

Thanks again to everyone for all your encouragement and support... I will keep y'all updated.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

wow you are truly an amazing mom you really really are... it is inspiring to hear you and everyone who has posted respond with love and support i hope oneday everyone will feel that way..... and im sorry that your living arrangement isnt ideal. i just wanted to mention that it is fabulous of your friends to help you out BUT it is not healthy for you to feel like you should have to bend to Uncles will in regards to you son in order to keep living in his house. no matter how 'good' of a deed or how big of a favor this is it goes out the window if you feel like you have to do something that would ultimately harm your son in order to stay there. you might mention that as of right now the only one hurting your LO is uncle B.


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## caspian's mama (Mar 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingSerenity* 
...maybe she thinks a few more weeks, or months or whatever, of my son being forced to conform won't ultimately hurt him. Although I believe it will. It'll undermine his trust in me to support him or accept him, if nothing else. Because he won't see the distinction between Uncle B not allowing the dresses and me not allowing it - after all, in his world, I am the ultimate authority. Just one more way for this already emotionally-abused child to have his world flipped upside-down.

you're a very wise mama. one day your kiddo will be able to look back with so much love and awe in his/her heart because of the stand you took long ago. every struggling trans kid should be so lucky!


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## Past_VNE (Dec 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingSerenity* 
LOL, what part of Texas? I already live in north-central Texas - and you're right about the weather!

I'm an hour northeast of Houston. The offer really stands. I don't know if moving farther away from your family would ultimately help you, but we're here.

You're right about the weather, but I was actually referring to the conservative social 'climate' around here. We are the hippie alternative freaks around here and everyone treats us great so far, though. So......I take what I can get. To get my alternative needs met, I head over to our church, the closest "welcoming congregation of UUs, which means they are LGBT friendly...and they're biracial friendly and just about everything else you can put a title to. I love it.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, it's got to be a rough situation.

It seems that Uncle B cares about you and your family, and that he may be getting a little too wrapped up in this concern over your son's clothing. At the same time, maybe you can look at it as Uncle B and you are both concerned about your son's social acceptance.... Uncle B seems to be more afraid of the girliness.

I think you need to assess where your limits are, and where Uncle B's limits are and if there is a workable compromise. It seems Uncle B is very bothered by the gender issue..... I haven't read all the posts, but maybe there is opportunity to compromise.

Would your son wear colorful but gender-neutral clothing? Would that be a compromise? Aqua, yellow, red, bright purple, lime green, orange? So much boys clothing is drab and depressing, but bright clothes could be middle ground.

Could you have "dress up clothes" (including girly and boyish things) available to your son? And dress up playtime every day that's special?

Would your son like to do more artwork and go crazy with glitter and pink and whatever colors he likes in that context?

I think you will need to have another talk with Uncle B.... you may want to say that you understand his concerns, at the same time, you feel your son needs some self-expression. It's a balancing act. I'm wondering if moving more toward gender neutral could work for you, your son and Uncle B.

But, you may also need to make a plan B, whether that is a shelter or something else. If Uncle B is too uncomfortable with a child "cross dressing" in his home, that's his call. Perhaps they can still help your family even if they are not providing living space.... so maybe keep the door open. I think you need to consider what your options are and be prepared so you have alternatives and aren't stuck at the last-minute in a tougher situation.

Best wishes. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this stress.

In terms of your son's gender identity, I wouldn't think that it's set in stone at all at this point and I wouldn't define him as any type of person yet.... it seems way too soon for that, but by letting him have freedom to express and explore, he'll grow into the person he's meant to be.

I think there's supporting your son's choices, and there's encouraging your son's choices. I think you can support without encouraging or discouraging, and maybe it's the encouragement Uncle B sees that concerns him. It's up to you how you feel about how you want to raise your child, and whether you want to leave this situation immediately or try some more to work out an option that lets you stay and that works for your child.


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## megincl (Sep 10, 2002)

Oh goodness, this sounds horrible.

I would recommend, in addition to talking to a women's shelter, that you call local LGBT rights organizations, and especially trans rights organizations. They may be able to point you in the direction of some housing resources, as well as other resources that could support you during this tough time.

Thinking of you often,
megin


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## newmainer (Dec 30, 2003)

Wow, just wow.

You are amazing and I hope you can find yourself in another place that's more welcoming and accomodating to you and your family. THere is no doubt that you and your son will encounter many 'disapproving' figures like Uncle B in your lives, but you don't have to live with them. Your home should be your haven and retreat. I will send major, major good vibes for you- i hope the mama who offered her place will work out- if it seems right.


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:

The area I live in specifically is absolutely NOT open to that kind of thing.
I'm sorry. Your whole situation sounds so difficult. I wish you had a way to be somewhere that was accepting, both at home and out in the world. I do think that maybe Uncle B is concerned and that is where this is coming from, but its such a controlling kind of concern that it sounds toxic. I hope you can find a way to work around this or to be somewhere else.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)




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## chirp (Feb 9, 2008)

hugs to you and your children, momma.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Past_VNE* 
We are the hippie alternative freaks around here and everyone treats us great so far, though. So......I take what I can get. To get my alternative needs met, I head over to our church, the closest "welcoming congregation of UUs, which means they are LGBT friendly...and they're biracial friendly and just about everything else you can put a title to. I love it.

Wow, it sounds wonderful! I wish I had that kind of community! I did attend a UU church in Ft. Worth last year that is very much like what you described, and it sucks that I am now so far away from them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KBecks* 
It seems that Uncle B cares about you and your family, and that he may be getting a little too wrapped up in this concern over your son's clothing. At the same time, maybe you can look at it as Uncle B and you are both concerned about your son's social acceptance.... Uncle B seems to be more afraid of the girliness.

I think you need to assess where your limits are, and where Uncle B's limits are and if there is a workable compromise. It seems Uncle B is very bothered by the gender issue..... I haven't read all the posts, but maybe there is opportunity to compromise.

I certainly thought there was, after all we'd reached a kind of "compromise" when I agreed that my son would not wear feminine clothing around Uncle B. When Uncle B saw the little guy wearing one of my old maternity shirts for a night-shirt (because all of his PJ's were in the laundry), apparently that broke the compromise in Uncle's view. I didn't realize that - after all, my son had worn my shirts as nightclothes before. It was not a dress, it was not girl-clothes designed for him specifically, it was just an oversized shirt that served as pajamas. And for that, Uncle B yelled at him to go to his room where I had to keep him for the rest of the evening until bed, with the door closed.

Because we all know how threatening 5-year old boys sleeping in their mothers' shirts are.







:

Quote:

_Would your son wear colorful but gender-neutral clothing? Would that be a compromise? Aqua, yellow, red, bright purple, lime green, orange? So much boys clothing is drab and depressing, but bright clothes could be middle ground._
I'd love to do it that way. Even get him some shirts or pants from the girls' section that aren't definitively designed for girls (at this age, the cut doesn't matter anyway). That way he'd think he was wearing girl-clothes but only he'd know it. Unfortunately, I don't have the money to replace the boy-clothes I have for him. He has the one outfit that was a special thing for him, as I'd gotten the one and only child-support payment from his dad that I've ever received, and let the kids choose one thing they wanted. DD wanted a nightgown, DS wanted a dress. We got him the "bejeweled suit" instead of the dress. Apparenly Uncle B is also upset that I am spending money on clothes for the kids when they have perfectly decent clothes already. How I spend my children's support money isn't up to him, but it p*sses him off and I guess he vents it along with the clothing issue.

Quote:

_Could you have "dress up clothes" (including girly and boyish things) available to your son? And dress up playtime every day that's special?_
Nope. No girl clothing to be worn, even as a playtime thing, at all in his house. And no special time to do it, even if Uncle isn't there. I'm asked to remove the girl-clothes that belong to my son (there's only two things) from the house entirely. With all the other girls that live in the house, I can't get rid of all feminine attire that he might want, but it looks like I have to keep him from touching it for any reason.

Quote:

_Would your son like to do more artwork and go crazy with glitter and pink and whatever colors he likes in that context?_
He already does and spends a lot of time with his "paper princesses." However, I am afraid that will be the next thing to go. Uncle B said seeing my boy in his "night dress" (my old shirt) reminded him that during the day, the boy might have been wearing a _real_ dress. (Yes, OMG, I am so







... like I can control what things remind him of something else... jeez.) So how long until seeing Punkin coloring a paper doll reminds him that he also likes girl-clothes?

Quote:

_I think you will need to have another talk with Uncle B.... you may want to say that you understand his concerns, at the same time, you feel your son needs some self-expression. It's a balancing act. I'm wondering if moving more toward gender neutral could work for you, your son and Uncle B._
There will be another talk. I don't know how it will go. But I doubt gender-neutral is the answer. It seems like it's gotta be all snips, snails and puppy dog tails for my boy.

Quote:

_If Uncle B is too uncomfortable with a child "cross dressing" in his home, that's his call._
I'm all too aware of that. I've never challenged him on any of his house rules. I've never questioned the way he heads his family. But I'm being told I cannot parent my son the way I see fit, as a resident of his home. And regardless of how long we stay there, this is still my son, and I don't believe I am a bad parent. I do not discipline his kids (they don't listen to me anyway) but he can tell me how to raise mine, so long as I am there... knowing I have nowhere else to go and no choice but to abide by him.

Quote:

_Perhaps they can still help your family even if they are not providing living space.... so maybe keep the door open. I think you need to consider what your options are and be prepared so you have alternatives and aren't stuck at the last-minute in a tougher situation._
They've already helped so much. I'll never be able to repay the kindness and love they've offered. But I won't ask for it again. If this wasn't something that screamed to my heart so loudly as being so incredibly important to the emotional development of my son, I wouldn't be nearly as upset about it. It's all been so sudden, and so viciously inflexible, that I don't know how to integrate it into the overall situation.

And I do see the situation as becoming much, much more tough. Now I feel uncomfortable in the house - less like an extended-family member and more like an unwanted guest who's overstayed her welcome. All of this has come about in less than a week, too. That's part of what makes it so hard to deal with. (We've been there over 4 months.)

Quote:

_In terms of your son's gender identity, I wouldn't think that it's set in stone at all at this point and I wouldn't define him as any type of person yet.... it seems way too soon for that, but by letting him have freedom to express and explore, he'll grow into the person he's meant to be._
I agree. There's still no saying for sure that this isn't just some really long phase. He could, this time next year, be running around begging for Little League lessons and refusing to take off his Superman costume, who knows? But by refusing to let him explore his own personal preferences, and setting a boundary that makes even considering what he wants right now to be off-limits, shameful and unacceptable, I am certainly defining _something_ to him, wouldn't you say?

Quote:

_I think there's supporting your son's choices, and there's encouraging your son's choices. I think you can support without encouraging or discouraging, and maybe it's the encouragement Uncle B sees that concerns him._
Uncle B said something like this during the first conversation we had. Then he changed and now it's all about the discouragement. And he's entitled to be concerned about my encouraging my son to wear what he wants and be what he wants, but I don't think he's entitled to call me a bad parent or be unfairly strict and hostile to my son due to that concern.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *newmainer* 
Your home should be your haven and retreat. I will send major, major good vibes for you- i hope the mama who offered her place will work out- if it seems right.

I wish it could be... it's been a long time since my children and I had a haven of our own. I wonder if the hostility that abounds in the world isn't doomed to follow us everywhere. (Sorry - bit of a gloomy lapse there... there's just a whole lot to deal with right now!!)


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## Anglyn (Oct 25, 2004)

I think you should take Past_VNE up on the offer of the apartment!

an hour from dallas in whichdirection? I live just north/east of Mckinney. We are pretty crowed already, but we could all scootch over if we had to....


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Wow, I have no advice, but just read this whole thread and wanted to give hugs and say that I think you are a WONDERFUL MOM. Your son is so lucky to have you. I wish you the best at getting out of the fix you're in, it sounds really hard. Good luck--whatever happens, it sounds like your son will know that you love and support him, and that will matter more than a hundred "uncle B's"

And I had to add that I love MDC. You mamas are ALL awesome (esp those of you offering your places). It's making me teary.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

There are a couple of things in this thread I disagree with:

Quote:

If Uncle B is too uncomfortable with a child "cross dressing" in his home, that's his call.
It is emotionally abusive to this child to force him to conform in a way that is uncomfortable and painful for him. Uncle B is an adult and he needs to just get over himself for the sake of that child. He isn't the child's parent and he doesn't get a vote on parenting issues no matter where the child is living. He is overstepping his bounds. When you invite people into your home to help them, you don't then force them to be unhappy and uncomfortable. Especially children. That's just plain wrong.

This is the other thing that makes me uncomfortable:

Quote:

I think there's supporting your son's choices, and there's encouraging your son's choices. I think you can support without encouraging or discouraging, and maybe it's the encouragement Uncle B sees that concerns him.
I don't think this mother is doing anything but accepting her son and letting him be who he is. I'm uncomfortable with the idea that allowing him to be who he is is "encouraging" as if his behavior is something negative she should be careful to not encourage. I think that would send a bad message to him. And that language makes it sound like this man is being sensible and realistic and that's just not the case. He's being cruel due to his own hang-ups, and again, as an adult, he needs to get over that for the sake of this child.


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## caspian's mama (Mar 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
...that language makes it sound like this man is being sensible and realistic and that's just not the case. He's being cruel due to his own hang-ups, and again, as an adult, he needs to get over that for the sake of this child.

just wanted to highlight this because it's so awfully important. the only leg this guy has to stand on is one of ignorance and bigotry, especially sad and sickening because it's directed towards an innocent little kid.


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## frog (Jun 1, 2005)

OP, I don't know how this is all going to turn out, but THANK YOU for standing by your son. You're handling this beautifully and he will remember how much you love and support him.


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## KBecks (Jan 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingSerenity* 
Apparenly Uncle B is also upset that I am spending money on clothes for the kids when they have perfectly decent clothes already. How I spend my children's support money isn't up to him, but it p*sses him off and I guess he vents it along with the clothing issue.

And I do see the situation as becoming much, much more tough. Now I feel uncomfortable in the house - less like an extended-family member and more like an unwanted guest who's overstayed her welcome. All of this has come about in less than a week, too. That's part of what makes it so hard to deal with. (We've been there over 4 months.)


(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you are going through this, and I think you are wise to consider how you can transition away from living with Uncle B's family. It sounds like things are changing, and while you were welcome before and it worked for 4 months, things are changing, and you are wise to prepare for something new and considering your next steps.

It's such a difficult place for you to be in, but I'm sure you are smart and strong and will find something that works. Whether you leave their house right away, or choose to stay a little while and survive the difficulty while you make other plans. It's hard to ask for help, but you and your family need a place where you are welcome and where you are safe, whether that means going to your parents, other family, other friends, or various support organizations. And you need a safe transition and a little time to think through your plans of what's next so you can choose what you feel is the best option.

I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts... Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this, but have faith in yourself to lead your family and find something better.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

The man thinks he has a right to tell you how to raise your child and how to spend your money. His wife defers to him even when she disagrees with him and agrees with you.

Honey, you're rolling right toward an emotional abusive situation here. Get out now.


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## Southern_Belle (Jan 31, 2008)

I can offer no advive, but like others, I couldn't not read with out responding and offering virtual support. I think you are an awesome mother for accepting your son for who he is and acknowledging his feelings (which there are so many out there that would not).

I just hope you can find a support group - not because you aren't strong, but because so many others are weak when it comes to everything that isn't mainstream.

And I hope you find a way to get away from the influence of Uncle B.


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Past_VNE* 
I'm an hour northeast of Houston. The offer really stands. I don't know if moving farther away from your family would ultimately help you, but we're here.

You're right about the weather, but I was actually referring to the conservative social 'climate' around here. We are the hippie alternative freaks around here and everyone treats us great so far, though. So......I take what I can get. To get my alternative needs met, I head over to our church, the closest "welcoming congregation of UUs, which means they are LGBT friendly...and they're biracial friendly and just about everything else you can put a title to. I love it.

I feel so sad for you mama that you aren't getting the support from your current situation, but way to go Past_VNE! what a wonderful, selfless offer! I hope that perhaps you ladies can get this into a plan and support each other.


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## DaughterOfKali (Jul 15, 2007)

SeekingSerenity- My son is the same age as yours. He's also on the autism spectrum. He's wanted to be a girl for years. All he does is pretend he's a girl or a princess. All the time. At home and in public.

His preschool actually said he needed to see a psychiatrist! (we went and the psychiatrist said that he's seen many boys go through this and it's not something to worry about. Although being bullied is something that will probably happen).

Right now, I'm reading the book It's Not the Stork to him. We are going through it every day. I will also talk about how a baby is a boy or a girl even when growing inside the mom. I will tell him that bodies don't magically change (no, I'm not going to talk about sex change operations). I tell him that he's a boy and he will grow up to be a man.

I want to try to make sure my son understands the science part of things before I really get into the whole pretending stuff.

My son starts Kindergarten on the 2nd and I'm sooo nervous that the other kids won't want to play with him. (all he talks about is princesses and dresses, etc)








Pm me if you want to chat.


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## purplerascal (Oct 31, 2005)

Best of luck negotiating your way through this difficult time and good on you for doing the right thing by your child. Another resource that might be useful: this recently published book about transgender children. Whether or not that's who your kid is, it's a great non-judgmental book, with tons of illuminating quotes from both parents and children on how it is to live with, or as, a transgendered child.

Best wishes to you and your Punkin - you are both brave and wonderful.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:

I think you should take Past_VNE up on the offer of the apartment!
Seriously, I believe she meant it -- this isn't the time for social niceties... I would stay with her. "uncle" B sounds like a royal UAV.








mama


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## Lula's Mom (Oct 29, 2003)

I know Past_VNE; she is a wonderful mama, and if I were in your situation and she offered, I'd be at her place in a heartbeat! It's a beautiful farm.

I think you're a great mother and you've got to get out of that house. What a shame.


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## jaxinsmom (Jul 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Past_VNE* 
I'm an hour northeast of Houston. The offer really stands. I don't know if moving farther away from your family would ultimately help you, but we're here.

You're right about the weather, but I was actually referring to the conservative social 'climate' around here. We are the hippie alternative freaks around here and everyone treats us great so far, though. So......I take what I can get. To get my alternative needs met, I head over to our church, the closest "welcoming congregation of UUs, which means they are LGBT friendly...and they're biracial friendly and just about everything else you can put a title to. I love it.









: What a kind offer to make to someone you have never met. I felt that it needed to be reiterated.







:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carlyle* 
And I had to add that I love MDC. You mamas are ALL awesome (esp those of you offering your places). It's making me teary.

same









Quote:


Originally Posted by *captain crunchy* 
Seriously, I believe she meant it -- this isn't the time for social niceties... I would stay with her. "uncle" B sounds like a royal UAV.








mama

I third the vote to move to the farm!!!! Please keep us updated.







to you and your little pumpkin


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## 2swangirls (Feb 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *frog* 
OP, I don't know how this is all going to turn out, but THANK YOU for standing by your son. You're handling this beautifully and he will remember how much you love and support him.

ITA with frog








's to you and your son.


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

(((Hugs.))) I hope that you can get things worked out soon.


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## milkmommie (Apr 19, 2005)

FWIW I'd like to add that I think there are lots of little boys out there like yours. Mine is one of them. He's 5.5 and still very iterested in being a girl, wearing dresses, princesses, nail polish, make up, etc. Unfortunately we live in a social climate that makes life hard for these little guys. My DS has already learned when to share his liking of girly things and when to hide them.







Thank goodness for supportive Mammas like you who know how to love and support boys like ours.







So sorry to hear about the abusive situation with the Uncle...I am another vote for getting yourself and your kiddos out of that situation as quickly as you can. It's the best thing you can do for all of you.


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## jennifera (Feb 23, 2005)

living situation, I hope you were able to move so your son could wear his girls clothes with no problem.


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## candiland (Jan 27, 2002)

It sounds to me like Uncle B has some hidden urges of his own..... that even HE isn't fully aware of.


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## Celtain (Mar 10, 2004)

I couldn't read that entire thread and not respond. First thing,







: you are a seriously rockin' mom







: your boy is so very lucky to have a mom that loves, understands and supports him.

Second, I think if I were in your position I would run like my butt was on fire to Past_VNE's farm. Every member of your family needs love and support right now and it seems like there is an abundance of it there.

Third, Uncle B is behaving like a ua violation. I'm sending you good vibes and strength to deal with him and his closemindedness.

Good luck, keep us posted!


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## ollineeba (Apr 12, 2005)

I'm also wondering how you and your son are doing now.. Any updates?


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## chirp (Feb 9, 2008)

me too


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mom2Joseph* 
DS loves to do traditionally "feminine" things but there are lots of men who do and they don't have gender or sexual orientation issues. And if my DS does, I don't care, I love him anyway.

I agree. The kid is just 5. Just let him do what he feels comfortable doing. Why does it have to mean anything in any direction?? He's just being himself and that's all that matters.


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

s


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ollineeba* 
I'm also wondering how you and your son are doing now.. Any updates?

Yeah, I'm wondering how things are going to. I really hope things are getting better.


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## amydidit (Jan 21, 2005)

I'm hoping it all has worked out for you and your precious DS. {{{hugs}}}


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Quick reply... not much time...

THANK YOU so much to everyone for continuing to think of us and send supportive vibes. DS still wants to be a girl, and although he's changed his "name" half a dozen times (today he is Anya, yesterday he was Samantha) it's always still a feminine name. He doesn't wear his girl-clothes anymore, though he still asks for his bejeweled outfit at least every other day! I can't let him wear them here, and he's stopped throwing fits about that. He's actually taking the rules better than I am! Still, I don't say anything to rock the boat, and we're just hanging on for now.

Per the rules, I don't openly "encourage" DS to think of himself as a girl. But honestly, I don't (I simply _can't_) discourage it either.

I don't know how much longer we will be here in this situation. But I hope to keep updating everyone... I don't get much time on the computer anymore! That's something else that seems to be... a point of contention. Oh well, that's another thread entirely! Thank you again for thinking of me!!


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## Mama2Bug (Feb 18, 2005)

I took a peek at the pictures in your siggie (and the album they are in). Your kids are beautiful! I noticed that your DS has the same brown, Sesame Street sandals as my DD. So I was thinking that maybe you could tell him that you "know" a little girl with the same sandals and they could be his "_secret_ GIRL sandals."









I really hope everything works out for your family. You seem like a great mama.


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## gilamama (Aug 9, 2005)

s i knew a little boy with similar feelings a few years ago. it is hard to know what to do. i have not read the whole thread but have often wondered if that is something that is physiologically normal or if it indicates an imbalance in something. hormones? thyroid? endocrinology? i hope you find a supportive home to be in where all of you can thrive.


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## CorasMama (May 10, 2002)

Not to be all gloomy-gus, but kids frequently act like they're okay with something, to please their parents, when they really aren't. S/he may just be shoving this all inside because s/he's picked up that it causes contention, and s/he doesn't want to be the source of that trouble.

You're a good mom to let your children be who they are. Consider the offer to move to the farm, or look for some other cohousing situation. Don't let yourselves stay in another (emotionally) abusive situation.

And keep us updated when you can. We'll be thinking of you.


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## jaam (Sep 29, 2004)

First of all,







on getting out of the original abusive situation. That takes a lot of strength, of which you are obviously not in short supply.







You are doing such an awesome job of supporting your son. And I hope that for your and your son's sakes you find a much better living situation than the one you're in currently. If someone offered a farm apartment for my children and me to live in, I'm pretty sure I'd jump at the chance. Another vote here for you to seriously consider that. Also, I know that if you google "single mother cohousing" there are several websites that come up, and you could probably narrow it down to a local search. Might be worth looking into as an option.


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## kayleesmom (Dec 16, 2004)

just couldnt help but send hugs


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## inkedmamajama (Jan 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingSerenity* 
Quick reply... not much time...

THANK YOU so much to everyone for continuing to think of us and send supportive vibes. DS still wants to be a girl, and although he's changed his "name" half a dozen times (today he is Anya, yesterday he was Samantha) it's always still a feminine name. He doesn't wear his girl-clothes anymore, though he still asks for his bejeweled outfit at least every other day! I can't let him wear them here, and he's stopped throwing fits about that. He's actually taking the rules better than I am! Still, I don't say anything to rock the boat, and we're just hanging on for now.

Per the rules, I don't openly "encourage" DS to think of himself as a girl. But honestly, I don't (I simply _can't_) discourage it either.

I don't know how much longer we will be here in this situation. But I hope to keep updating everyone... I don't get much time on the computer anymore! That's something else that seems to be... a point of contention. Oh well, that's another thread entirely! Thank you again for thinking of me!!























My heart goes out to you and your son, well to ALL your children. Its very hard to leave an abusive situation and be on your own, and be living in a different families space. i found myself in that sort of situation a few years ago and it was very hard for all of us, and i know where you are coming from wrt to 'rocking the boat'

im sorry this man is judging your parenting abilities(having a transgender child does not make you a bad parent, nor does spending time online!).

I hope that you and PAST VNE have an open dialogue going on-perhaps that would be a really great solution and you could get a better springboard into your own place in that area of the state(if im understanding correctly that her farm is closer to a large city than the place you currently live)
plus there would be more resources for a single mama there?

please sign up for the holiday helper thread, so people can send your son some nice gender neutral or girl things-even if you keep them in a box in your cars' trunk, at least he would have some nice things of his own!(i have a wonderful gymnastics outfit that i would love to send him-its long pants and long shirt-black and green velvet with sparkles and ruffles-very cool!)

there was a dateline nbc special about young children that live as the opposite sex-it was very good and it talked about the very real problem that children that are forced to deny the gender they feel they really are, having extremely high rates of addiction, mental illness, and suicide. perhaps watching that would help 'uncle b' to see a new perspective?

you have all my hugs and support-you are doing an amazing job, and i pray you will find a way out of that house ASAP.

a


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## melissanc (Jun 24, 2008)

I am so glad to hear you are doing ok. Sounds like you are trying your hardest to make the best of your situation. I hope things will get better for you. It is sad that people feel they must dicate how to raise others kids. Believe me my ex MIL was just as bad when I started allowing my DS to express his feminine side. I just told her no support no say. Chris is doing great and is very happy. It is interesting that he almost always wears what would be considered girls clothes and insists his hair is up in ponys or braids and yet he will play sometimes more like the boys. Not often but he will. As long as they are happy and healthy who cares what they wear or how they play.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Okay, so we don't live with Uncle B and the "BF" anymore.

Unfortunately, we had to accept help from the kids' dad, who's renting us a place and sees the kids almost every day.

However, I must say that, for my son at least, this situation has helped him tremendously. I can't say how much happier he seems to be. He laughs and plays and wears his "girl-clothes" whenever he wants (which isn't every day, but he doesn't have to cry when I tell him "NO" anymore). He plays with dolls, barbies, princesses, fairies, etc. He calls himself Ariel Diane (from the Little Mermaid, combined with his sister's middle name) and I'm no longer afraid that Uncle B is going to exclude him because he calls himself a girl. I even bought him some long-sleeve shirts from the girl section. You can't tell they're girl clothes, except for the butterflies on the inside of the collars. He loves it!!!

Also, for as unaccepting as his father can be in all things that concern transgenders, gays, etc., although I've never specifically told him I believe my son could be transgendered, the dad seems to actually be more tolerant of it than "open-minded" Uncle B or even "BF" was. (She changed her mind regarding the issue when Uncle B put his foot down, and went from being supportive to condescending and doubtful.







) The second week we were here, Dad brought a couple of toys over for the kids and he brought my son his very own Mariposa Barbie with huge pink, sparkly wings. When I asked about it, he shrugged and said, "It's what he wanted, right?" I mean... wow.

More in a bit, the baby's crying!







:


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## amydidit (Jan 21, 2005)

I'm so glad things are getting better.


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## Ziggysmama (Dec 26, 2007)

Me too, and I just wanted to say your children are soooooo beautiful








You make really gorgeous kids


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## Tofu the Geek (Dec 2, 2003)

I am very happy to hear your update! So glad that you have some help (even if it's not from the person you want it from right now) and impressed with how dad is dealing with this. I hope things continue on the road to goodness!


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## harrietsmama (Dec 10, 2001)

so glad things are better!


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## babydanielsmom (Jan 18, 2008)

I just read through this thread and was wondering if there are any updates?


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## Elizabeth2008 (Nov 26, 2008)

I empathize with your situation. It's broken my heart when I've seen other children be mean or spiteful to my son and I'm sure it pales in comparison to what could come your son's way by children and ignorant adults. But ultimately, your love and your respect will mean so much more to him than what strangers or casual acquaintences think. He needs to know that you want him to be what he wants to be and that you love him unconditionally. It's hard to show that if you are telling him he can't express himself. If he wants to be a princess for halloween, then let him! Whoever this uncle is, you should have a conversation with him and tell him you expect him to respect your son's choices or maybe he shouldn't be spending time around him.

As for whether he will truly want to be a girl as he gets older, that's hard to know at this point. He's only 5. Ask yourself if you had a daughter instead of a son and she wanted to dress like a boy and liked sports and didn't like any girly things at all, would people be as worried? Liking girl things is can be fun. And again, he's only five. Really hard to know until a person starts going through puberty what their gender/sexual orientation will be. I was a pretty hardcore tom boy until I was about 6. I'm not saying "he'll grow out of it" - he may not, and if so it sounds like he is lucky to have a mom who will love and respect him regardless. Good luck with this; I really do feel for you and hope that you can help him navigate the dangeous social terrain.


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## dani76 (Mar 24, 2004)

I'm so glad to see that your living situation changed.







And that your kids all seem so happy.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Elizabeth2008* 
Whoever this uncle is, you should have a conversation with him and tell him you expect him to respect your son's choices or maybe he shouldn't be spending time around him.

We no longer have contact with Uncle B. For the record, I'd had several conversations with him on the subject, and I was more or less told it was Uncle B's way or the highway. There was no intelligent conversation available on the topic. He believed I was ruining my son, endangering him and I simply was not allowed to let my son be himself. He was apparently threatened by the idea that a five-year old boy may be pretending to be a girl even when he, the adult, wasn't around.







Well, that's over now. My son can be exposed to more mature influences at this point.

Quote:

_As for whether he will truly want to be a girl as he gets older, that's hard to know at this point. He's only 5. Ask yourself if you had a daughter instead of a son and she wanted to dress like a boy and liked sports and didn't like any girly things at all, would people be as worried?_
It's not that I have a problem with it - it was everyone else that seemed to have the issues. No, no one cared a whit that little girls wanted to wear pants and play ball and hunt lizards, but it was like _stop the world!!_ when a little boy wanted to put on a dress and carry a purse and play with Barbie dolls.

In any case, if it's a phase, it's certainly a unique one in terms of how long it's lasting and how it's evolving. Having had so much experience with kids (though this proves that I am certainly no expert!), I am not used to something that is actually a phase panning out like this. It's becoming more and more involved, and he is ever more insistent upon the fact that "I'm a girl, mom, not a boy." If he had been pushed in this direction by the actions of his father, who often fixates on the daughter and not the son, then it makes no sense that my son would be even more outspoken in his beliefs now that his father is actually... well, not affirming it, but at least accepting it, in a way. He's not making a big deal out of it. (He DOES believe the boy will outgrow this.)

I just want to support my child no matter what the situation turns out be. And I am glad to be away from those who would exclude, mistreat or judge a five-year old for something that they, as adults, should be able to just get over.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingSerenity* 
I just want to support my child no matter what the situation turns out be. And I am glad to be away from those who would exclude, mistreat or judge a five-year old for something that they, as adults, should be able to just get over.











It sounds like you're doing a good job of just that, despite some very trying situations. It's amazing how often our adult hang-ups get in the way of our ability to let kids be kids.


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## KoalaMommy (Apr 7, 2004)

I just wanted to throw some support your way - I know you've already gotten tons of it.

In college I had a professor who amazed me from the very first moment I saw him. He was so graceful, he filled a room with it. He had a winning smile, and the softest, most gentle voice. He was so incredibly feminine, and yet seemed so happy and secure. He filled a room when he walked in. After a couple of semesters taking his classes we became friends and once I asked him when he knew he was gay (because he was, which is not to assume your son is) and he told me "I have never been other than I am, I have just always been different, from as early as I can remember." He was clearly very comfortable with himself and he always impressed me. I wished I had been so secure in me.

So good for you for allowing your son to be who he is!


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

SeekingSerenity, I think you're doing a wonderful job with your son.

I hope nobody minds if I kinda tag along on this thread. I won't hijack it, but I do have a three year old boy in my class who feels exactly the same way SeekingSerenity's son feels. Taking notes on his behalf.







:


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *harleyhalfmoon* 
SeekingSerenity, I think you're doing a wonderful job with your son.

I hope nobody minds if I kinda tag along on this thread. I won't hijack it, but I do have a three year old boy in my class who feels exactly the same way SeekingSerenity's son feels. Taking notes on his behalf.







:

Absolutely - you're so welcome here. And thank you for the support. It's not easy to know what to say or how to handle it sometimes when I'm in public, and someone says "What a handsome young man you are!" to which my brilliant little star replies, "I'm a GIRL!!" I just smile and hug him reassuringly. I won't tell him not to say that... it's what he feels, after all.









Hopefully all the support and kindness I have gotten here at MDC will also help some other mamas out there who might be in a similar situation with their children.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SeekingSerenity* 
Absolutely - you're so welcome here. And thank you for the support. It's not easy to know what to say or how to handle it sometimes when I'm in public, and someone says "What a handsome young man you are!" to which my brilliant little star replies, "I'm a GIRL!!" I just smile and hug him reassuringly. I won't tell him not to say that... it's what he feels, after all.









Hopefully all the support and kindness I have gotten here at MDC will also help some other mamas out there who might be in a similar situation with their children.

I don't doubt that somewhere, at some point another mother or father is going to come on here and read this thread and know that 1) they aren't alone and 2) see that they can support their child, even if the most of the rest of the world doesn't want to. They will also see that there are others out there who are perfectly willing to accept that even at a young age a childs gender may not be dictated by their physiology. Keeping up with this thread has helped me see that the world isn't as bad as it seems.


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

*It's been 7 years...*

Completely not sure if it's possible to re-open a thread after seven years, but I suppose I could try! I haven't been on MDC in ages, and I was searching every avenue hoping to find a copy of my now-10-year old daughter's birth story, which I SWEAR I posted on here somewhere. (Evidently not. After three hours of re-reading ancient posts and heart-breaking private messages, I can't find it. Anywhere.)

In any case, about my son who wants to be a girl... it was not a phase. Not by a long shot. She is no longer Thomas but is now Tommi, a name change which is actually in the process of becoming legal. So many life changes have gone on in the intervening 7 years, but of all of them, one consistent detail is that my "son" never stopped "wanting to be a girl."

In fact, as I see it, she always has been a girl. She was born with the incorrect gender assignation, physically. But her heart and head have always known the truth. It's odd for me to now see the old posts where I still called her "him" and "he."

We escaped from her abusive father in 2010, and although I allowed to her to express herself at home, it wasn't until 2013 that she began living "out" as the girl she is. She basically told me one Saturday morning (just before her 10th birthday, mid-way through 4th grade) that she had picked out the dress she was wearing to school on Monday. I couldn't be an emotionally supportive mom who insisted that she be true to herself and simultaneously tell her she could not wear a dress to school. She told me she was tired of pretending. So... she pranced out the door on Monday morning in a dress, with shiny shoes and a ponytail, happier than I'd ever seen her. I was an absolute mess. School started at 8:25 a.m. By 8:40, my phone was blowing up as the school was desperate to know what was going on and why I didn't give them some advance notice.

Other than being forbidden to use the girls' bathroom the remainder of 4th grade, there weren't many problems. She was told to use the nurse's restroom, but otherwise went from being the lonely child on the edge of the playground to being the girl everyone wanted to hang out with. By the beginning of 5th grade, there had been a monumental change to legislation in our state regarding the issue of using the restroom that reflected the child's identified gender. The principal attempted to stop Tommi from going in the girl's restroom only once before I carpet-bombed the school administration with an email containing the exact wording of the new law. The following day, the principal came up to Tommi in the hall and apologized to her. THAT was a good day.

Life is not peaches and cream in all aspects, of course. Despite sweeping changes for the LGB community, the T part is still woefully under-represented. It's getting better, though. Medicaid has begun changing its policies and now pays for Tommi's hormone-suppression shots without argument. I've been told that she won't have issue getting her estrogen shots covered either, although we're still at least a year from that (much to her dismay).

We've been cut off from several family members who believe I am damaging my children, encouraging disparate mannerisms in order to get attention for myself (!) or overly spoiling my kid because I won't "put a stop" to aberrant behavior. She's also had numerous friends turn on her unexpectedly, and has been physically knocked to the ground and pushed around at times. She is amazingly strong, though. She has some rock-solid friends who have her back through thick and thin, has attended quite a few sleepovers with no problems (and I have discussions with the parents beforehand, so as to prevent any unexpected... observations) and even has had several boyfriends (ugh).

We marched in the Pride Parade this past summer, and she's never been more in her element, prancing alongside the PFLAG/TYES float with her rainbow flag, hand-made signs ("Raise Your Hands For Trans") and flowing dress.

That's why I just had to post here, seven years after starting this thread. I remember being so hesitant and fearful, because in my heart I suspected that her words, "I am a girl!" described the truth. It was so difficult back then to counter the arguments that it was a phase, or that she over-identified with me due to the problems with her father. I knew only time would tell, but it seemed like an insurmountable blockage that I was facing alone.

I re-read the post where I'd mentioned that her father had purchased a Mariposa Barbie doll for her, saying that it was what she wanted. Well, that attitude didn't last long at all. It was less than a year later that he blatantly informed me that he "would kill any kid" of his that came out gay, and all transgender meant was "extremely gay." He proclaimed that in front of Tommi. It took a long time for us to get away from that situation of rapidly escalating domestic violence (it got REALLY bad), but we've been on our own for five years now and Tommi is safely out of his sight. (We've had to hide for a long time, just recently getting to a place where it's not a life of constantly being on guard.)

So... I still haven't found that birth story... and we recently lost EVERYTHING of sentimental value that was in a storage unit in Texas for the past five years, due to a friend's unexplained betrayal, to include the numerous memory books of all the kids and, of course, the birth story... but, we shall carry on. It's been emotional to go through all this old stuff, the painful messages from old friends lost to the tumults of DV and the trials of beginning a new life, but it's not all terrible. THIS is a good update, and I just had to share, even though nobody probably even recalls this discussion in the first place!


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