# The birth —and death— story of my son (long)



## Len

Victor, my second son, was born on May 13, 2005. He was born via a VBAC at home, after an uneventful labor, with his excited dad and big brother present. When I pushed him out, the midwives gave him to me and I found out he was a boy when I hold him between his legs. I put him on my chest and it's all a blur from here. He was all blue and limp and the midwives immediately cut the cord and took him away for resuscitation (I was lying on a couch and the oxygen, etc. was in my bedroom). We had listened to his heart not very long ago, so I wasn't very worried at this point, just upset that they had taken him away so quickly. I'm not sure how long it was before they asked dh to phone 911. I was in a total state of shock and disbelief that something very wrong was happening. At the time when he was taken by the ambulance, his heart was beating and he was assistedly breathing, so he looked pink and big and healthy when I saw him before he left for the hospital. We stayed behind, because the placenta took a long time to come out, and then I started bleeding lots -hormonal whiplash, I guess- oxytocin replaced by adrenalin.

I didn't get to see him again until a few hours later, at the hospital's NICU, hooked up to a ventilator and numerous other conections. All I could see was the most perfect and beautiful baby boy. At that point either nobody knew or nobody wanted to tell me about the seriousness of his condition, so I was confident that he would spend a couple of days there and then we would go home. Someone mentioned "oxygen deprivation" and "brain damage" but all I could think of was my baby coming home, and that I loved him no matter what.

I stayed at hospital to be with him, and on the third day we had a conversation with a doctor that shattered all my hopes. They suspected that Victor had had extensive brain damage due to lack of oxygen at some point during birth, and his chances of recovering were slim. This was confirmed by the MRI and scans to his brain they did the following day. We were devastated. We spoke to the head neurologist, and he said that if Victor was to survive, his life would not be a good life, because the damage was severe. So far, he had been on a ventilator on and off, so they were not sure how long he would live for if they took it off. DH and I made the decision to take him out of life support at some point. My mom and sister were flying in the next day, so we waited for them to get a chance to see him. To honor both of his grandmother's wishes, we baptized him that day. Soon after the baptize, the oxygen machine he was hooked onto started to fail, so they were going to replace it. We asked the doctors not to replace it and to take all wires and tubes from him. We were happy to finally hold him, free from all the equipment.

We didn't know whether he would live for a few minutes, a few days or a few weeks, but we were prepared to be with him and love him to the max every precious minute. Although still at the hospital, we tried to give him a good life; we talked to him, sang to him, played music, brought some of his toys from home, bathed him and dressed him. He even got to breastfeed, for a minute or so every time. His precious lips were the perfect match to his mommy's breasts. DH, DS and I were given a spare room next to the special care nursery, and we all slept there to be close to Victor and each other. On his second night out of life support, I asked the nurse if I could bring him to the room where DH and DS were sleeping. She said it was OK, and although I wasn't sleeping, Victor and I laid in bed with them that night. We were all finally sharing the family bed we would never again get to have. Victor seemed very peaceful and content that night. At 5:15 am, I knew my beautiful baby was preparing to go. I woke up my husband and we both watched as he took his last breath. DH put his ear to Victor's chest, to try to listen to a heartbeat -like he had done so many times when he was still in my belly- and he couldn't find one. Our angel had flown away.

We had spent the most intense six days of our lives, and although the sadness is agonizing, we are also grateful to have had the opportunity to be with him this very short time.

We may or maynot find out the cause of his death, but there's more than one person and/or family member suggesting we were irresponsible for having a homebirth. I feel at peace with the choices I made and I believe nothing would have been different (for the best, that is) had we been at the hospital.

Tomorrow will be one month from his birth and I feel a lot of confusion, and unbearable sadness to have lost my dear baby.

I have had the most amazing support from women on this board, and I want to thank everyone that has been here for us.

Elena








for you Victor


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## ilex

Elena, you and Victor are in my heart and thoughts every day. Thank you for sharing a piece of him with us.
















to you in this difficult time








for Victor


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## amybw

thank you for sharing your story.
I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this.

May God Bless you in ways you never expected.


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## peacenlove

I am so sorry.


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## corysmilk

Elena
I can't belive anyone would blame you are even suggest that this tradgey was your fault. Your a good mom, I was glad to read you are comfortable with the decision you made( homebirthing)

I think of you offten. My heart aches for you.

Thank you for shaing the story of Victors life with us. your baby will alway be rembered.

Peace and Love
Elizabeth


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## mirthfulmum

Your story and your son's short life will always be with me.


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## wende

:cry I am so, so sorry


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## emmaline

I am so sorry for your loss


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## vancouverlori

: thank you Elena, for sharing Victor's birth and life story with us.















-Lori


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## aivilo

Elena, thank you for sharing with us Victor's life








Just let me say that you're a wise woman who did the best for his second son. No doubt you got the right choices: you gave Victor the best birth a baby can have, sharing that great moment with people giving him all the love a family can give.
Victor, our little angel, we will never forget you.















I love you, cielote,








Olivia


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## JessicaS

Thank You for sharing Victor's story with us.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.


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## ~Megan~




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## fromscatteredtribe

I am so sorry for your loss.
Your story, however, was beautiful.
Thank you for sharing.......


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## mamaDsofi&iri

Elena, you are a wonderful mother, and I am honoured that you shared Victor's life story with us.


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## Justice2

For Victor

May you find peace and comfort in the memory of your precious little boy.


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## broodymama

Thank you for sharing Victor's story with us, mama.










To the memory of your precious boy...


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## lovelittleb

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing the story of your beautiful boy.


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## girly's mama

Thank you for sharing your story...








for your family.


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## candiland

You managed to give your beautiful baby boy a wonderfully warm and loving stay for the short time he was here. He was birthed gently, cared for gently, and loved immensely.... it is no wonder he chose you to host his very short stay here on earth. May you be healed from the pain of your experience and many blessings to you and yours.

Candice


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## Ivanhoe

You & Víctor will never leave my heart


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## intymama

Len









All of my







Victor's







at home is always on for him

Jula


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## Artisan

I am very sorry for your loss, mama.


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## DreamsInDigital

Thank you so much for sharing your little angel with us.


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## Pam_and_Abigail

s

thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you gave your little boy the best 6 days he could've had - trying to nurse, engaging him, bringning him into your bed.


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## Threefold




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## flowmom

Thank you for sharing the story of Victor's life. When I read that your homebirth decision was criticized, I felt really sad because I value acceptance and respect, and I can't imagine that such comments were helpful for you. I hope that time brings peace to your family...


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## MajaKatrina

You Victor and your family are in my prayers - may your angel always look down on you and embrace you with warmth-

Catherine


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## De-lovely

I will pray for you and your precious boy......oh mama my heart breaks for this.You will be in my thoughts.


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## robugmum

Oh Elena,
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. You and Diego and Javier gave that little boy all the love you posssibly could. I know that when my little brother passed away, a question that really plagued my mother was "Did he know he was loved?". Your sweet Victor most definitely knew. I will always remember him.


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## Mariposa

Len,

I am so sorry for your family's loss. I don't know you, but remember you treating me kindly when I tried to jump in on the hilachas in Spanish. Thank you for sharing your story and his.







s


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## warriorprincess

I am so so sorry for you loss. Thank you for sharing Victor with us. I hope it helps to write it all down.


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## granolamom

Blessings and love to you and yours...

Granolamom


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## tiffani

Elena,








Victor was blessed to be able to live his short life wrapped in the love of your family. Thank you so much for sharing your story and know that you are a wonderful mother!! We look forward to seeing you and Diego again soon.







Peace and love to your family,
tiffani


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## BowNessMonster

Oh, mama, I am so sorry for your loss








May Victor find his way in the Light


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## crysmomofthree

Thank you for sharing Victor's beautiful birth story with us, I hope you are able to find comfort in the loving time you were able to spend with him. Best wishes for you and your family.
crystal


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## Greensleeves

What a beautiful story, thank you for the privilege of reading it. It sounds like he only knew love......peace to your beautiful boy.


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## iris0110

Thank you for sharing your son Victor with us. I will remember him always.







Victor


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## HaveWool~Will Felt

I am very sorry for the loss of your son. I, too, lost my daughter shortly after her birth. We also chose to disconnect her from life support. I very much feel you pain Len. Sending lots of love to you & your dh and special big brother love for Diego.

Peace and Healing to you,
Jackie


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## mamabutterfly

((((((((((( Len )))))))))))))))

I am in tears, at a loss for words... what is there to say? I am so, so deeply sorry for your loss, mama. What a purely loving life your little son had on this earth. You are a wonderful mother and the image of all the love you poured into him is just amazing.

Thank you so much for sharing his story with us.








((((((( Victor ))))))


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## midstreammama

i'm sorry.


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## thenewme

for Victor


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## darsmama

I'm so very sorry


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## Len

Thanks to everybody for your kind words. One of my most important life lines right now is to keep Victor's memory alive, by talking/writing about him as much as I can.

I appreciate all of you reading our story. The more I read your posts, the more I feel Victor's life is acknowledged and appreciated, even by people that never met him, or me.

It's a privilege to be part of this community.

Love,
Elena


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## Aeriane

Oh Elena, my heart aches for you and your family. I have come away seeing that there are some good people in hospitals and I'm so grateful that they enabled you to be with Victor in privacy.







: It's hard to write about this and be sensitive to your feelings so I don't mean to say anything bad but what I feel is gratitude that you were able to love your sweet baby and give him the very best life albeit too short. I don't know your beliefs but I feel you have a special angel with you forever. I can't imagine the pain but it's indescriable, I'm sure. I'm with you in spirit, praying for your healing and yes, make sure his memory is alive. He's with you, just not on this plain.

{{{{hugs}}} and many tears sweet mama, Kitty


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## canadiangranola

Many blessings and peace to you and your family as you learn to live with the loss of your child, as well as celebrating the memories you have of your short time with him. Thank you for honoring his memory by sharing your story with us.

Peace to you mama


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## sea island mama

Elena,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am crying for your loss, but also for the overwhelming love I feel you gave to Victor in his short time with you. I am so glad you were able to nurse him & share your family bed with him, if only very briefly.
I think of you & your family daily & look forward to seeing you & Diego again soon.


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## BusyMommy




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## party_of_seven




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## mamatojade

Elena,

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.


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## 2BMamaof3

Elena,

Thank you for sharing your little Victor's life story with us. I've been so saddened by your loss and my heart and prayers have gone out to you during this time.

I'm also awed by your strength of spirit and the immense love you have shown both of your boys.

I'll remember Victor and his story. Thank you and many blessings,

Abby


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## PortraitPixie

:

May you find peace in knowing that Victor is healthy and knows no pain where he is now. . .and that you were the BEST MOMMA to him. . .God bless you.










Sarah


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## Luma

Lenny thank you so much for sharing this precious lifestory with us
The world is filled with more love since Victor came and since you became his mama...more love, more love in the world because of you........
thank you lenny sweety-hermosa
we love you


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## Katana

I'm so sorry you lost Victor.

It is an honor to read about him. Thank you for sharing him with us.

Much love to you, mama.


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## magemom

Thank you for sharing.


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## rn

Elena,

I am so deaply sorry for your loss. I can relate to so many things in your post, things you felt and are feeling and esp. things you went through with your son.

My son was born on may 11, 2005 and died on the 16th. We also had to choose to take him off of life support as his brain damage was so severe. I wish there was something I could say to comfort you, but I am basically in the same place you are. It is all so new and fresh and painfull.

Just know I share in your sorrow and pray we can somehow heal.

Robin


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## Raven

Elena - I am deeply sorry for your loss. You are such an amazingly strong and courageous mama and Victor was so blessed to have such a wonderful and caring family that love him and made his life here on earth a gentle one.


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## MrsMoe

Sorry for your loss. Please, do not allow feelings of guilt to creep in, this was NOT your fault. It is easy for anyone to feel guilt in the loss of a loved one, I know I personally used to have guitl over my own mother's suicide. It is a natural normal reaction.

I know you said you were at peace with the choices you had made, but realize your emotions are likely to take all sorts of scary turns in the loss of your child. If you ever at any point have a twinge of guilt, please do not hesistate to seek support.

I wish you the best in your healing process.


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## LoveChild421

Victor

The mystery of life and death is far beyond our understanding- it is not your fault- you loved him deeply and gave him your best

May you and your family find peace


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## LandonsMommy

Victor

Im so sorry for your loss. That was wrong for whom ever to say its your falt for giveing birth at home. Reading these post about people who have had still births and babys that dont make it just breake my heart, but you women are so strong to be able to disscuseit. I see how strong all of you are and I hope that if that ever happend to me I could be as strong as you all are. I pray for victor. Im so happy you had a littl bit of time with him. But I'm so so sorry for your loss. no words can make it better. but I wish you and your family much love.

Kassy Carren


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## Kelly71

I'm so sorry for your loss.








Victor


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## krishnasakhi

I'm so sorry for your profound loss.


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## jordmoder

Elena,

Sending love and healing energy to you and your family.







for Victor.

Barbara


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## allykat

thank you for sharing your son with us, i hope you can find comfort in the fact that i believe Victor had the most wonderful welcome to his new peaceful home...my katrina and all the other babies from this forum and beyond welcomed him with open loving arms to God's eternal playground...it makes me smile to have that image in my head...all the angels dancing and playing and knowing no pain...loving us from above and wishing us nothing but the best...i pull my strength from that!!!
Bless you and your family...be strong, hold your precious memories close to your heart and know that one day you and Victor will be reunited!!!








Allykat (momma to Allyson on earth 9/98, and Katrina in heaven 3/24/05)


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## awise

Len,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Victor. The love you have for him and the concern for his well being are very apparent in his story.
Be gentle with yourself Mama.

-Angela
Olivia's mommy 10/11/04 - 01/01/05


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## rachelle-a-tron

Sending you all my Love & Strength Mama.








- Victor -


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## XM

I just saw this linked from the homebirth forum... Elena, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you.

We lost Xiola during her hospital birth... it did not make her birth any safer. Please don't listen to those who would say otherwise. Bad outcomes happen in hospitals a lot more often then they happen at home.


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## ombra*luna

for Victor

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


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## TinkerBelle

Babies die after hospital births too. Do not let anyone tell you that you are to blame.

Bless you!


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## nydiagonz

Elena,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss and I am glad that you were able to have that beautiful time with Victor. We just went through a similar situation this month. Our baby Abdullah died on June 10th, and I feel your pain. I know how agonizing it is to watch your little one die in your arms and I wish that none of us had to go through this.









I am also getting a lot of "I told you so's" from family and my students' parents about having taught dance classes during my pregnancy. (I ended up having a placental abruption and being put on bedrest) I had cleared this with my doctors on various occassions and they have repeatedly told me that it had NOTHING to do with the abruption. I do not regret my choices either, but when you hear something enough... it ignites the flame of doubt and regret. Believe in yourself and rest easy knowing that you had love in your heart and made ther RIGHT decisions for you and your family.

I wish you all of the strength and hope to get through this time. Remember that all Victor ever knew was love... and that is a blessing.








For Angel Victor









Take care of yourself mama.


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## MamaHippo

I am so sorry for your loss. May comfort soon be yours.


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## shishkeberry




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## Mizelenius

Mi tocaya . . .I'm so, so, very sorry.


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## homebirthx2

Hi! I just wanted to let you know you are not alone to go through this. It is not your fault. You decided to have a homebirth, this did not do the sad event. This is a way to make sense of all that happened and right now blaming you for having a non-hospital birth is the easiest and fastest way to find a way to understand what happened. It is a sad day for you to have to go through this, but never blame yourself for your son leaving this earth so soon.

I am so glad that you were able to get sometime to be with your son before he went back home to his maker again. You will both meet again when the time is right and even show you the ways. Each year you will celebrate his birthday. You will ask yourself what is he doing, what would he be doing here at this certain age, is he still watching over me. This is so normal. Just remember that he will always be watching over you. He was sent here to you to give you the extra love you needed at the time and when he saw his job was complete he went to be with his maker again.

Take the time to grieve the way you feel is right for you and celebrate the way you feel is right for you for as long as you need to. You didn't do anything wrong.

Here are some (((HUGS))) and some














to help you through the journey you are traveling on right now. If you ever need to talk just pm, I would be glad to listen.


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## simonee

o shit Elena sweet woman i din't know this. i am soo sooo sorry. so very sorry for you and Javier and Diego and for Victor, he would have had such a lovely family. I'm so sorry. so very sorry.


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## Len

Today, Victor would be 3 months old, and Monday will mark the anniversary of his arrival to my body and life.
I've uploaded some pictures to mark these dates (click on his name on my sig)


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## Maggi315

Hugs to you! I am so sorry you are hearing negative things from people. Try to protect yourself from that, stay away if necessary, make it clear you will not discuss it. Believe me, I have worked in a hospital, these things happen no matter where you are! Do not allow yourself to be a scapegoat for this tragedy, you need and you deserve love and support at th is time. It is a tragedy no matter what, or no matter where.

God bless and keep you and your family. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.


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## coleslaw

Elena,







I wish you strength today and every day. The three month mark was very difficult for me last week too. Maybe Victor and Grace are together with Alexa and Freddie and all the other wonderful babies from here playing games and laughing. OK, now the tears are rolling...

Take care, my friend. I'm thinking of you.


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## ilex

Elena, there are no words, but I just wanted to let you know that there are those who are close that think of you and Victor and Diego and Javier all the time. You are in my thoughts and in my heart. Thank you for sharing the beautiful and precious photos of your Victor. He was truly amazing and special, as you are.


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## Village Mama

Those are beautiful photos. Thank you for sharing. I cried when I read your original post, and continue to do so today. Bless you! I have no words to express.


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## robugmum

Oh Elena,
He is so beautiful. I can't express how much I think of you and Victor and your family. I think of Victor everyday while I'm caring for my own babe. I so wish that we could have raised our babies together. Your Victor will always be in my heart. Thank you for sharing those lovely pictures.


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## CarolynnMarilynn

I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful baby. Thank you for sharing.

Carolynn


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## rn

Quote:


Originally Posted by *coleslaw*
Maybe Victor and Grace are together with Alexa and Freddie and all the other wonderful babies from here playing games and laughing. OK, now the tears are rolling...

I think of all of our babies everyday.

so much love, They are ONLY love.

go easy today,


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## Cloverlove

Oh Elena, I am so, so sorry. He is such a sweet and perfect angel. My heart aches for you and your family.


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## Threefold

What an honor to be witness to those photos. Thank you, and be in love and peace today. Thinking of you and your family.


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## Debstmomy

Elena, I will be thinking of you Victor all day today. He was a beautiful baby boy.







s to you


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## corysmilk

Thank you for sharing your beautiful boy.
I think of you often.


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## kiwimutti

Thankyou for sharing Victors Story. It must be so hard to believe, Such a perfect, strong and healthy looking wee fellow! My thoughts and love are with you, your sweet Victor and your family.


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