# A Letter to William on His First Birthday



## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

From my blog:

My dear sweet William...

There aren't words to tell you how much we miss you. I wish we were gearing up for a crazy, hectic one-year-old's party, something that would disrupt your whole routine and make you good and cranky and more than ready for your usual nap. I want that child, the boy turning one who would be taking his first toddling steps toward a lifetime of walking away.

I wanted to be the one to let go first.

I took your memory box down today from the shelf for the first time in six months. I said, the day we knew you were dead - the day you were born - that I didn't want to be that woman, the one who had a cardboard box instead of a baby. But I am that woman, and I have a box instead of a son. I have pictures and a stuffed bear and a blanket. There are drops of your blood on the little outfit you wore and I smelled it, hoping to find any lingering scent of you, but there was none. I left my tears there. Your DNA and mine.

I found the lock of your hair, so dark and fine and beautiful. It's the thing I cherish most, that reminds me, yes, you were here, you were alive inside me, floating in a waiting darkness. You heard my voice, were rocked to sleep by my movements, and felt my love, thick as blood and pouring through that lifeline, the one that failed us both. You were here, and then you were gone.

I can't tell you not to pull the dog's ears or listen to you talking to yourself in that sweet baby-babble in your crib across the hall in the morning. I can't complain that you're growing out of everything so FAST and how running after a little one at forty is a lot more tiring than it is at twenty. I can't give you anything, anymore. I had one shot - that oblivious nine months you spent in my belly - and it's past.

You will forever be my future-child, a projection on the screen of my mind. I don't turn that movie on daily anymore, like I once did. But days like today - your first year! - I imagine you forward, and I probably will do it until I, too, am gone. Your first smile, your first words, your first steps, your first birthday. Your first lost tooth, your first skinned knee, your first day of school, your first heartbreak.Your first date, your first car, your graduation, your wedding. But I know, I will never have those firsts. It's all a mind-movie, a bit of future-projection to help ease my presently aching heart of the heaviness of past regret.

I will never know or have you again. You are just paper and wisps and ash.

But I can still close my eyes and feel you. I held the weight of the world in my arms the day you were born, and you...just barely a five-pound bundle of bittersweet love. Your skin was as soft as flower petals, your mouth a little rosebud. I remember those things. Your spine was perfection - I felt it with my hand, every groove, just like the string of pearls we'd seen on the screen. Your fingers were long and delicate. They were my hands, not your father's. I remember the wet smell of your birth, the doctor asking, "Do you want to see your son?" and reaching my arms out because yes, yes, of course I wanted you, I'd never wanted anything more. I remember rocking you and sobbing and asking you, "What happened, baby? What happened?" As if you could open your eyes and tell me. I remember the blood that ran in a trickle out of your nose that I wiped delicately away with the edge of the blanket like I would have wiped your tears had you been born alive.

And I remember most how much I loved you, how much that feeling consumed me.

It still does.

Today would have been your first birthday, and for me, there's not a lot of "happy" in it. But there is a lot of love. I may not be able to kiss your forehead and wish you happy birthday today, but my love for you knows no bounds. There are no edges to it; there is no end. I know you felt it, when you were inside of me, how loved and wanted you were - and just like I know my love crossed that placenta-barrier and fed you, like the blood in my veins...I know it crosses over to wherever you are now.

I love you, William, today on your first birthday and every day.


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## BethSLP (Mar 27, 2005)

I'm sitting here wiping tears away at my desk. My heart aches for you.

Happy Birthday, sweet baby William.

I will always remember.

XOXO
B


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## no5no5 (Feb 4, 2008)

William

What a beautiful letter, Dawn.


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

Sweet baby William.


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## ShineliketheSon (Aug 20, 2008)

for William.







for you.


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## jtrt (Feb 25, 2009)

William

what a beautiful letter, Dawn. So much love, momma. Remembering your sweet William today on his birthday. Sending you love and gentle hugs.

Amy


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

William


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

Beautiful, beautiful letter to your son.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

Thinking of you and William today.























William


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Oh, Dawn. I may be physically sitting hundreds of miles away, but spiritually, emotionally I am with you, holding your hand today. I am so sorry for the loss your precious son, William. I will always remember him, especially on this day.

I am sending my love to you, your family, and, of course, William.








William George


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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

Such a beautiful tribute to your baby boy, Dawn. He is so loved.







William


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## wookie (Dec 12, 2008)

William

YOu have spread more love in the world even though you are not here with us. Your mama's love for you is an inspiration to us all. Be well, angel, wherever you are.

Hugs, Dawn, that's a beautiful letter.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

Oh Dawn that's just beautiful. Words fail me...

Quote:

I may not be able to kiss your forehead and wish you happy birthday today, but my love for you knows no bounds. There are no edges to it; there is no end. I know you felt it, when you were inside of me, how loved and wanted you were - and just like I know my love crossed that placenta-barrier and fed you, like the blood in my veins...I know it crosses over to wherever you are now.
Exactly. It knows no bounds and it only strengthens with the passage of time.

Thinking of you and your family today...((HUGS))


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## AdalynsMama (Apr 19, 2007)

Oh mama... also wiping tears away while sitting here at work. Simply beautiful.








William


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

Dawn that was so beautiful and touching







I too am in tears, holding your hand, remembering William with you.







sweet baby William


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

William

remembering with you Dawn


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## 1Plus2 (Mar 13, 2003)

I couldn't read your letter to William and not comment. To say that your words were beautiful is such an understatement. My heart aches for you and there are tears pouring down my face. Your love for your son is breathtaking. Much love coming your way, Mama.


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## Mom2M (Sep 23, 2006)

I'm so very sorry. You wrote such a beautiful letter in his honor. I will never forget your story.


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## Tear78 (Nov 28, 2008)

I know your love crosses galaxies, Dawn. I'm weeping rivers with you tonight. Thank you for sharing, sweetie. Remembering William with you.


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## xtara2003x (Sep 25, 2006)

What a beautiful beautiful letter to your precious precious little angel Dawn. My heart broke for you as I read this and tears streamed down my fast. Your little William is so so so loved.

*gentle hugs to you on this day*









May you feel your little boy's spirit surround you today and always...


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## moonInLion (Mar 1, 2009)

so beautiful. hugs to you, mama.
remembering William


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Dawn, words fail me....










So much love to you~








William


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

This is what we did today...

and how it all ended...

Thank you all so much for remembering...


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)




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## fruitful womb (Nov 20, 2004)

William George

You wrote one of the most beautiful letters a mother can write to her son. It is so profound, with so much love.

I love the pictures. You really do have beautiful children. The tattoos are a wonderful tribute. The one close to your heart is really well done. I like the one with Williams print inside his big brother's print too.

I love you Dawn, my DDC sister ((Big Hugs))


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

That was beautiful.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

first the pictures, now this letter... i'm crying again for you. i'm so sorry, dawn. i'm so sorry. i will never forget him.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

My beautiful friend









I will never forget.







William









April 1st will forever, in my heart, be William's day.

I wish I could take away your pain. Please know, if it's ANY consolation (which I know it isn't







) that I'm crying with you.









Claire


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Oh Dawn,

What beautiful words. I thought about you all yesterday. I am SO sorry mama.


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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Oh Dawn. What a beautiful letter. I've been spending this morning trying to not cry in front of the daycare bitties. How perfectly you've pinned down all those feelings, I can agree with and totally *get* every single thing you said (down to gently wiping away blood from my baby's nose). Lots of love mama. Lots and lots of love.


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## Riverbeauty (Apr 2, 2008)




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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Oh, Dawn. That was beautiful. I think about you and William often. I love the tattoos.









Love you, Dawn.























William George


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

MI_Dawn,
I am crying so hard, chest heaving and eyes unable to see the screen... for your loss, and mine, as I type this. Your words rang so true to me and I feel your heartbreak so deeply because it is pain i know intimately. Thank you for sharing your letter, so beautifully written and full of the love you have for your son. I will think of him too. I am so sorry for your loss.

sending love and hugs and shared tears

You and your William are in my thoughts


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## sept04mama (Mar 3, 2004)

That was beautiful. Today is the 6 month mark for me and it gives me hope that I can survive another 6.


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## morganlefay (Nov 13, 2007)

What a beautiful tribute to your son.


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## Arianwen1174 (May 26, 2009)

What a beautiful letter for sweet William.







for you and







for William.


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