# Only One Child???



## bebe luna (Nov 20, 2001)

Are any of you planning on only having one child?
What are your feelings and thoughts on having just one???
Just curious.


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

I too am thinking a lot about this. I can't decide whether to have another one, and if yes, how long to space them. I just don't know?


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## Mommiska (Jan 3, 2002)

We already have two, so I'm not in your situation.  You and your partner obviously need to do what is right for you, but I would suggest that before having an only child, it might be a good idea to talk to a few only children to get their perspective.

Even if you are an only child yourself...I would still talk to a few other only children and see what they say. If you do decide to have an only child, you'll then have an idea of possible issues/etc. that child may face.

Just an idea,
Carolyn


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## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

I think one is FANTASTIC!
I have two.

I had planned on one, but things happened....i got divorced....remarried...and wanted a baby with my husband.

One is great: Here is why one is great : )

((MORE than one is great too, but here is my views on ONE )

1. They get undivided attention.
2. More money for their college education.
3. You can focus 100% on teaching them and raising them.
4. You can spoil them more easy (im all for spoiling baby)

There are good and bad things about anything.


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## ladylee (Nov 20, 2001)

And right now I'm leaning toward only having one. I'm an only child myself, and had a very positive experience--I have no doubt that my daughter would also.

I'm not sure if I'm entirely comfortable revealing my reasons--I guess some would view them as being "selfish"--I had a rich life before having a child, and her birth/presence have definitely enhanced it--BUT I am not a totally maternal person. I like having space and time to myself, and I'm just starting to get that back since she's entering toddlerhood. I'm not sure I'm prepared to forfeit that by having another child. My husband and I also have a very close relationship and enjoy "our" time--that would also be challenged. And we like to be very active--we're athletic and travel a lot--hard to do with more than one. I feel silly typing these reasons when you compare them to bringing another life into the world, and if I were to become pregnant of course I'd be thrilled-but those are my honest feelings. And I'm 37--I'm ready to think about retirement







!

~lee


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## peacemama (Nov 21, 2001)

I change my mind every couple of days! Part of me wants to have another baby, but the other part of me feels like putting all my energy into dd, who is now 3. She is (and I swear I'm not bragging) intellectually gifted and though I plan to send her to the excellent public schools in our area, I feel like I'll be doing homeschooling too, just to provide the enrichment she needs. I do worry about all the cons of being an only child, but I suppose there are cons to having siblings, too. Since I'm only 31, I figure I can just wait and see how dh and I feel. Right now we're pretty content with our family the way it is.


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## bebe luna (Nov 20, 2001)

I think most likely I will only birth one (my already born ds), but somewhere in the future we'll adopt...
I feel like there are so many kids who need help, and I would like to help at least one of them.
Also, I would like ds to have a brother or sister... but I think being an only child can be wonderful as well.
I love kids and most likely will be able to care for more than one.
It's an interesting topic though.
If I couldn't adopt- I'm not sure if I'd have another one. The world has so many people on it...


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## Mamaste (Dec 21, 2001)

I'm in the exact same situation as sleepies (*waves and smiles at sleepies*) and I'd like to second her thoughts. One is wonderful. Two are fun too. We have been happy both ways. I'd say as long as you are not longing for another, be happy with one!

Cheers to your family, whatever its size!


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## MamaBug (Jun 13, 2003)

Eventhough I have 2 ds I will throw my thoughts into the ring. DH and I had planned to have at least 2 kids spaced relatively close together. Well it took almost 4 years to concieve the first. By the time we were "planning" on concieving the second I was unsure whether I actually wanted another one. I was totally into my ds and was not sure I wanted to upset the wonderful and fulfilling life that we had going on. Well his little brother is now 20 months old and i cannot imagine it being any other way. It is the most amazing thing to see them run to each other after a day spent apart, cuddling in bed together, or seeking each out in the mornings after each sleeping with a different parent. I will admit that one is WAY easier







as far as scheduling and things like that go. I think you just know in your heart whether you should have more. I am now in the quandry that I soooo want a third







! I just need to convince DH, I figure I will give him a few years to get used to the idea and then ......well one never knows








Good Luck whichever you decide!


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

WARNING: RANT MODE ON!!!!

I am considering only having one child for many reasons. I have to admit I get angry when people are critical about it.

They say things like:
"But the only child is a lonely child!Who'will take care of you when you are old? Only kids are spoiled! Are brats!"

who is to say that just because you give them a sibling they will be CLOSE to that sibling. I think having lots of kids purely to give the other kids 'companionship or to wipe your butt when you are old and feeble is a really selfish and misguided reason to have kids. Lots of kids from big families are spoiled, lonely brats with no social skills. Being an only child doesn't put you in special rank. If I decide to have only one child it will be a well informed decision and anyway I am experiencing reproductive concerns!! So if I CAN"T have any more does that mean ds will grow up DOOMED??? I just can't believe that amount of resistance I get to the idea of having only one kid. I have known many well adjusted only children... and there are plenty of famous ones too. I do believe Albert Einstein was among their ranks....


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## bubbamom (Nov 19, 2001)

We will probably have only one, Emily. My husband doesn't want any more - he sais, world is overpopulated already. I am myself an only child. I wasn't ever happy about it, but that's because my mom was divorced and drinking heavily and leaving me alone all the time. I am sure, if she had been able to take care of me better and give me her attention, I would have been just fine without siblings.
I do agree, that either way is good if it's right for you. I just go by the rule: If you don't know what to do, wait and do nothing until you know what to do.

Peace, Mani


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## Mommiska (Jan 3, 2002)

I do think that everyone should do what is best for them. I hope I didn't offend anyone by my suggestion to talk to a few only children to get their views on what life was like for them, growing up without siblings. But I stand by that suggestion. If parents do decide to have only one child, there can be issues for the child...talking to adult only children is a good way of being prepared, so you can hopefully nip any discontent in the bud.

I'm mainly suggesting this becuase I have two good friends and dh has one who are only children. And all of them would still love - as adults - to have had a sibling. Of course, they were all 'surprises' for older parents who thought they couldnt' have any more, and who (the parents) would have loved to have had more, so maybe that has somethign to do with their feelings?

Anyway, I only suggest talking to other only children so that you (as the parent) can get a different perspective on what it is like for a child to grow up without siblings. Being prepared for possible problems/issues is surely a good thing!


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## Mallory (Jan 2, 2002)

I'm sorry this is a little off the subject

Quote:

And all of them would still love - as adults - to have had a sibling.
reminded me. When my SIL (who is 11) started kindergarden there were twins in her class and MIL says she was angry for years that she didn't have a twin.








I also know some only children who are lovely and happy and some who aren't , But I also know some people with siblings who are lovely and happy and some who aren't


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## Gaia Mama (Dec 19, 2001)

Carolyn - I think your suggestion was an excellent one, esp. for me. Lately, I have been thinking about the possibility that my ds will be an only child. Coming from large families (mine - 4 children, husband - 7 children including a set of triplets of which he is one), I don't think I could even guess at what being an only child was like. I have a great friend, who is an only child, who I plan on speaking to about this. He is a great role-model for me so I respect his opinion and would like to hear his thoughts. You have inspired me to talk to him about this.

The whole thing about only children being spoiled really gets to me too. Like Dr. Sears says, spoiling comes from things being left alone too long, without proper attention. My sister-in-law (one of the triplets), who is one of SEVEN, was extremely spoiled growing up, because my MIL was always trying to compensate for her not having a twin playmate (the other two in the tripet set were identical twin boys).

I guess parents of all children need to be careful that they don't substitute love, either from a parent or sibling, for material things or misplaced acquiescence to all of the child's wishes.


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## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

mamapie is right

just because you have more than one doesn't mean they will be friends.

actually. my friends that have sisters don't get along with them at all..

and my husband has two brothers...very very close in age to him, and he never even calls them.

they fought as kids and they don't really communicate much now.

i dont talk with my brother very often either...no reason, just don't.


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## ladylee (Nov 20, 2001)

And just because a child is an only, it doesn't necessarily mean it will only be around adults. I make a special effort to bring her to other children for this very reason. We've found a very good balance, I think.

~lee


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## TripkeHughes (Nov 19, 2001)

I have thought about having only one biological child because I am worried about over population. Someone brought it up here on the old boards and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Before that time, I would have liked to have many. Maybe we will adopt.

My feelings are mixed. Before children, I wanted either none or many. Who knows what will happen, I never do even when I think I do.

Hurmph!


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## steph (Dec 5, 2001)

we have one (dd age almost 8 mos.), and me being 43 that's prbably all we'll have. And I'm fine w/that. I had 2 older sibs (12 & 13 yrs. older), and grew up like an only. While I would have liked more kid companionship, that would have been solved if we'd lived in town and not out in the boonies. I loved having all the attention of my parents and was treated like a cognitive person (i.e. adult) and not a "kid" (the way my cousins were treated by their parents). Dh had a bro. close in age, and they were alternatelt best friends and horrible rivals. So i don't think the poor lonely only theory holds up. I recently was talking to a gal and her dd (age 10) whose an only about how she felt about it and if she'd want a sib. The dd was very clear she did NOT want a sib, never did, and loved being an only. Gotta go with your gut on this one....


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## madison (Nov 20, 2001)

I am considering having only one. I am ttc as a single person, and finaces will be an issue of sorts. If I have a second child, I assume it will be at least 4 years after the first, maybe 5 years. I just can't plan that far ahead until after the first, you know?

I don't think an only would be lonely. I have very close friends who are planning on starting to ttc this spring/summer also, so hopefully our children will grow up refering to each other as "cousins", and we will see them on a daily basis.

I also will have other close friends moving down here who might become parents in a few years, too - I have a wonderful feeling that there will be a nice balance between alone time and time spent with other families with children that we will consider "chosen family".

I think it'll be nice to have one







Just me and him/her - a mother/child - teacher/student - mentor/mentee relationship is what I'm hoping for (but who will teach whom is the question!).

I also feel some guilt over contributing to the over population of our lovely planet, but not enough to stop me from having a second if I really want it a few years down the line. If I do have two, I want there to be 4-5 years between them so that each can have the opportunity to have one on one time with me as an infant. I'd also like to foster teens sometime down the line... there is such a need.

I do however, really enjoy having two sisters and can't imagine what it'd be like without them. When our parents die (hopefully many years from now) I think it would be a really scary feeling being alone (we are not particularly close to extended family).


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

I have two ds's and always knew that I would have more than one, but what I didn't realize was how I would know when it was time for the other. When my ds was a year I was debating on when to begin trying for the second. When he was 18 months I just "knew" it was time to begin trying for the second. I don't know what changed, I think God was just tapping me on the shoulder saying "honey, it's time." Now I'm just waiting for the signal that it's time for number three.

I used to worry about whether it was responsible to bring children into the world today, but as a Catholic, I think that children are a gift from God. Who am I to question his judgement? I have not gone back on the pill and plan on practicing NFP when the next class rolls around. Using condoms now, I'm not quite ready for morning sickness at this point.

I'm digressing here. My point was, someday you might just get this "feeling" that you might like another child. If that happens, great! If not, don't worry about it. If the time is right for you to have another my guess is that you will know. Until that happens, IF it happens, enjoy the child you have and relax.


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## mother_sunshine (Nov 25, 2001)

We have one child, a 5yo daughter, and we are all 3 a happy family just as we are (actually we also have 3 cats and a dog, so my dh jokes that we have a big family!). We have no desire to mess up a good thing, and we wouldn't trade our situation for all the money in the World. There are many reasons for our decision which not only benefit all 3 of us but everyone else as well. We feel we can give our daughter the best life possible, physically and emotionally, by having just her. We also feel we are being responsible to our Earth and it's future, as well as the future of all things living. Considering exponential growth, just one more child per family makes a huge negative impact on the environment, the population, the Earth in general, the future.

If we did want to have more children we would adopt a child who needed a family. My dh used to work in a boys home. There are so many wonderful children out there without a family who never get one because everybody who adopts wants a newborn baby of a certain race (and they are put on a long waiting list for one). The best they get is a foster home which is, in most cases, not permanent and often an abused system.


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## MamaBug (Jun 13, 2003)

Just wanted to clarify. I didn't mean that only children were lonely, spoiled or any of the other stuff people associate with only children. I think that all of our families are perfect just the way they are. For some families that means only one child, for some the more the merrier. I know there were MANY times







in my life that I wished that I was an only child, I also know plenty of only children that wished they had siblings. I think that as long as we make our kids ( how ever many that may be) the best of ourselves that they will all turn out well rounded, loving adults. Hope this clears anything I might have said wrong up! Thanks for listening


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

((((mamabug)))) my rant was not directed toward you! In no way was your statement critical, it just had the misfortune of being above mine! I can see why you thought I was directing it to you but I sure wasn't. I am just very passionate about the topic. I was just ranting, though. It feels good to do that because I get SO much, "when are you going to have another baby..." and then those same nosy people want to staple their opinions to my response... It makes me want to tear my hair out!! But that is IRL, not here. Don't worry, you are cool. I got what you said the first time.


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## jempd (Feb 27, 2002)

My dh and I have decided to have just one child. I do get that reaction that implies I'm shortchanging my child by denying them the relationship of a sibling. I think that's general conditioning, though, people say that 'cause they've heard it so many times. On the other hand, I've met two couples who were firmly one-child families and like it that way so that made me feel there are others out there. Sometimes I'll get a second thought about it, but it's because I would like to get a second crack at the birth and beginning nursing experience because the first wasn't all I wanted it to be and I"m so much better informed now, and sometimes I'll worry that if anything happened to ds I won't have any other kids. However, that's momentary, because the main reason we've decided to have one kid is that is what our resources (money, time, energy) can bear and I don't want to shortchange him any of that. Also, it's just a personal thing; I like having one kid and that's that, that's our unit.
good thing too as i really would be pushing the age envelope.


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## ladylee (Nov 20, 2001)

I've also encountered a few parents w/many children who view someone only having one as not "really" being a parent. And these are the same people who plunk their 4 kids in front of the TV, or make the older ones take care of the younger ones (in a non-AP way, let's say.) They ask me what I do with myself all day with only one! Can you imagine? I'm a heck of a lot more involved than they are, that's for sure!

~lee


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## wildchild (Jan 29, 2002)

Sometimes I question whether or not I want more than one child.Then I think about what it would be like with just the 3 of us and it does not feel like a complete family yet. So I think that is saying that an only child is not for me.
Before I had my wonderfull dd I thought people who wanted only one child was wrong. I do not feel that way anymore. Having children is a personal choice as well as how many children. I also think people who say that they want only one child because of overpopulation is a cop out. If that was the case they should of adopted from the beginning. There is nothing wrong with wanting one beautiful child.


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

This is a great thread. There was one way back when here about how many kids should we have, and it turned into a theological discussoin and got ugly. I needed to read this and am so glad to find likeminded women on the topic: we are few and far between, but having one child is as valid a choice as any...


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

I've also heard that comment where if you have only one, you're not really a parent.

Yeah right...whatever....


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## peacemama (Nov 21, 2001)

Jempad, you put into words PERFECTLY what I've been feeling. In my heart I think I only want the one beautiful child I have now, but there are times I feel like having another, yet it doesn't feel like a real desire for another child, but rather a desire to do babyhood over again in a more enlightened way. While I had no trouble breastfeeding, I was not well-informed about babywearing, co-sleeping, and cloth diapering and I guess I would love to do those things. I think I can recognize that now and see that I really do not want another child at this point in my life (I'm only 31, so there's no hurry!).

Lee64, I've gotten that one myself, though not in those exact words. A friend (ex-friend, ha ha) with two kids, both born before my dd, used to give me that "I'm a pro, you're an amateur" attitude all the time and it really ticked me off!


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## mama-t (Nov 22, 2001)

I am blown away by ANYONE who thinks having one child doesnt make you a 'real' parent, OMG! I know no-one actually stated that on the board, I just cant believe anyone would actually think that!

That said; dh and I feel our family is complete with our ds. He gets all our lovin', we can try to plan out a college/ travel abroad fund, and it is emotionally satisfying to be a one child household. I am passionate about my work and I dont believe I could be the parent I would want to be AND be a working artist at the same time; there is just not enough of me to go that far!

But who knows,maybe there is another darling soul who wants me to be their mother







: ,for now I'm content.


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## zipperump-a-zoomum (Jan 9, 2002)

Ok-- I do want another, so does dh. But, how do you decide when? It's not like I can look at ds (10mo) one day and say "yes! now is the time!" 'cause there's that pesky 9 month waiting period. Thinking about trying for 2.5 years apart. So *must* get pregnant when ds is 1.6 years. argh, the pressure...
joking. will try to just let nature take her course


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Really. Unless you have multiples, everyone starts out with one....







:


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## rosebudsmom (Nov 19, 2001)

My family feels sooo perfect, the three of us. I've never felt so much. I do worry about my daughters future though. I keep wondering if she will feel as if she is not connected to our family especially after her grandparents pass and eventually we do. I have always felt so lucky to have a sister to always connect and check in with. I wish the same sense of belonging for my dd. I'm so all over the place about this issue because I have some health issues which are worsened by fatigue, so Im constantly struggling with the wish that I could have another child, not because I want someone for my dd but because I wish I could do the mommy and baby thing again, (I love being a mom). If I did have another I might not be as healthy as I need to be for my family. Basically... it doesn't matter what I want because I have to accept my situation. I guess I'm hoping for some reassuring words from some grown - only children and their thoughts about not having living relatives. Btw, I thiink that anyone who feels that they are experiencing a truer parenting experience because they have more than one child just does't get it... or maybe they just don't want to!


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## Shanghaimum (Jan 4, 2002)

Hi

I love this board...

We currently have one son. I come from a large family - I am the oldest of seven children (all within 9 years!). I love my family - we are all incredibly close.

That said, I always thought I would have one, maybe two children. Now that I have Mac, my son, I can't imagine just having one. I have become hopelessly into being a mother. If it is possible, I want to have at least two more, maybe even three more.

At the same time, I worry about the logistics. I spend 24/7 with my son. It would be hard to share the time with another child.

Hmm. I don't know. I definately think that there is nothing wrong with choosing to have only one child. Many of my good friends have chosen to just have one child and for them, it is the right decision.

Emma


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

Our next door neighbor's have one child, and he is the sweetest, most caring boy I have met. He is eight years old, and I think he is the way he is because of his genetic makeup and the way he has been raised. He has great parents who love him and spend lots of time with him, but don't "dote" on him. He is the example I would like my two boys to follow.

For example, because our ds is only 3 3/4 we don't want him playing the video games that "A" (the next door neighbor) because the other two neighbor boys (brothers aged 6 and 8) are out of control and talk about killing the other guy in a video game where no one actually dies. They are nuts. Anyway, he played it with them once over Thanksgiving and he talked about it for two weeks and began using the words "kill" and "die" although he didn't know what they meant. The game was actually not a violent game, it was a mario bros. game, but the wild boys can turn anything violent. Saturday night the neighbors and my ds were outside playing football, but decided to go inside to play nintendo. I peeked into "A's" house and saw they were playing that game, so I told my ds that he needed to come home. He began crying and didn't understand why he had to go. "A's" parents were still outside and heard me telling ds that we didn't want him playing violent games. That they are not nice, and they only teach people how to hurt each other, etc.

Yesterday we were all outside again and the boys decided they needed to play nintendo again. "A" said that they could all come in and play football on the nintendo. The 6 year old wild neighbor threw a fit and said he wanted to play the other game. "A" said "No, Christian can't play violent games!" The six year old said that he (my ds) should go home then, and "A" said, no, I want him to stay, so we will play a game that he can play!"

I was so impressed! When I went next door to take Christian back over to play after dinner, "A's" parents were curious about the whole story about the other game so I told them that it wasn't the game I had so much of an issue with as it was the attitude of the other two boys when they played it. They said that they totally understood that we wouldn't want our three year old son playing it and it was fine with them. I was so proud and impressed with "A" that I made a point to tell him how happy I was that he stood up to the neighbors and watched out for my son. At first he didn't understand why I was so proud of him, so I explained that it made Christian so happy that he cared enough about him to want him to be able to stay, that he refused to let the other kids play that game. He got all embarrassed and turned red. To him he did nothing special, he just did what was right (I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it). How many eight year olds consider the three year old neighbor boy such a good friend? I love "A." I can only hope that my children will look at him and want to be like him.

Anyone who says that only children are spoiled are making unjust judgements. Any child can be spoiled, it has nothing to do with whether you have a sibling or not. "A" is a wonderful child with wonderful parents. Singleton parents -- don't let anyone get to you! Your children are wonderful simply because they were born. They don't need a sibling to live a fulfilled life. What a crock!!!


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## Gaia Mama (Dec 19, 2001)

Beth - Thank you so much for relating your story - I almost cried too! I am feeling the pressure from my hubby, my parents, my MIL and the like to have a second, third, etc. but I just can't convince myself it would be right. Someone else mentioned that they think that having another child would allow for a "do over" basically with 100% AP and when I heard that, I was able to trace some of my feeling towards having another child to that. For me, baby wearing came in late in the game (at 4 mo) and "rooming in" in the hospital was a joke; it would be great to go in the second time knowing EXACTLY what I wanted to do. But since I have to work, I feel it is important for me to devote 100% of my energy to this little person, now. Thanks, Beth, for sharing your story and taking the pressure off a little.

Peace,
Kim


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

Emma,

We must have been typing at the same time.

Quote:

At the same time, I worry about the logistics. I spend 24/7 with my son. It would be hard to share the time with another child.
I worried about that too. When I was in the last months of my pregnany with my second son I would go into my son's room at night while he was sleeping and crawl into bed with him and cry. I was sure that I was going to lose something very special with him when the second child came. I also felt so guilty because I knew I wouldn't be able to give the second child as much time as I had with the first. I felt like I was denying a child that wasn't even born yet, the same great experience that I had had with my first.

In the end, all my worrying was fruitless. Bringing a second into the family was much easier and less stressful than I though it would be. I have a great group of friends that I leaned on and it went so smoothly. There will always be those road blocks that pop up, but overall, it has been wonderful. My #2 ds has not had the same experience as my first son, but that is okay. He has had many experiences that my first never had, simply because he has an older brother there to play with, to love him, and unfortunately, to (at times) injure him.







)

I don't feel like I have denied either of my children anything. They will each have hopefully wonderful life experiences partly because of each other, and mostly for a miriad of other reasons.
Don't worry too much about adding another, it all works out in the end.

If you would like to talk more about this, pm me. There are a couple little things that no one tells you, that I'll fill you in on.


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## tasha (Jan 13, 2002)

peacemamma said my feeling perfectly! I love my dd and I always wanted a girl, I worry about overpoulation and all the children without families but I have also thought about having another, and after reading peacemamma it finally clicked that I don't really weant another I just want to redo it again better! It's an amazing feeling to finally understand what has been causing my confusion, like an epiphany (I don't know how to spell it!) AWSOME!
sorry! Just got excited!
But, yes, for our family, our dd is the one and only!
as for only children! I have a brother and spent my life wishing I was an only child! My dh is and only child and never wanted a sibbling. Just because you're related doesn't mean that they will be there for you in times of need. That's what friends are for!


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## CatDeliaS (Jan 11, 2002)

Thank all of you for sharing your thoughts on this particular subject! I (like some others) am already past the point of considering whether or not to have more than one child... for me, it has been having three or not that tortures me. I have read all the books about having "only" one child, and even some about having none at all--just to get a sense of why I am so conflicted on this issue. I love being a mother to my dd and ds, but I also have concerns with regard to finances (it sounds so shallow!)... my energy and emotions, and my work (both professionally and creatively). I am grateful each and every day for my son, but I would be lying to say that his emergence into the world didn't dramatically impact my daughter and OUR relationship. Siblings can be wonderful, but sometimes, we need to think outside of our own little families and consider the "global" one. Cousins can be "brothers", so can non-blood relations...If I honestly think back over the course of my own childhood, it was the best friend who lived down the street who was my dearest companion--not my biological sister! Families w/ one child are definitely families... believe it or not, people have said to me as a mother of TWO that "you don't know what mothering is until you have at least three"... and that "I'm too into myself" to have three children. Maybe, I'm just too into the two children I already have... I grew up in a family of four children, which I enjoyed. My siblings also have large families, which I enjoy. I do NOT begrudge those of us who plan on many children, as a number of my friends do... I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is no "one size fits all" and that comments/criticisms will always be there. Deciding on family size is difficult... there are certain to be "trade-offs" in every situation. But, ALL families are valuable... they are the yardstick by which we measure out our future memories and references... and, who can dictate those exact numbers?


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## levar (Jan 28, 2002)

I just wanted to say MamaPie ... RIGHT ON! ;p Who knows if we'll have another or not personally. Our "plan" as always to have two, but after delivering one I am not so sure. Drives me WACKO to listen to my friend [Who wants SIX ... Tell me, Who is the crazy one? LoL] constantly try to convince me that one isnt enough etc.

Thanks for your "vent", made my day!

~Sandie


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Well, thank you levar! And nice to meet you. Ladies, there is an interesting thread somewhat related to this topic over in activism right now. It is about overpopulation. Please, feel free to check it out.


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

Yes, we women with six are crazy!!!!

peggy


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

LOL peggy! You are a doll, crazy or not.


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## BathrobeGoddess (Nov 19, 2001)

I was an only and I loved it...My dd is an only and If I have another one (If I marry again) they would be really spaced. DD is going to be 7 on Sunday and since I'm not getting married anytime soon....Plus I was really young when I had dd (19) so I'm not worried about getting to old. I often joke that I could start all over when she goes to college...I'll only be 36!


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Hey... nice to see you BG... it's been awhile.


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## Teresa (Jan 25, 2002)

We, unfortunately, know several couples who have (unpleasant as this sounds) bred beyond their capacities. That's it, plain and simple! One couple has one child (said they didn't want children, wouldn't have them, were pregnant within months of marriage and she works 7 days a week--by choice, while he works 6!) another couple has, hmmmn, at least 6 and it is very much a situation where the older children are held responsible for the younger--not just occasionally, but morning-to-night! Another woman I know couldn't manage her two children as it was, but decided to have "a big, fun family!" Well it seems she loves being pregnant & birthing, but is not so keen on the joyous work that follows.
When asked, my husband and I firmly believe that for us, 2 is appropriate for our resources. I don't mean money. I know both great and inadequate parents from all kinds of income levels.
I mean internal resources--the things children need to thrive: Time, Attention, Patience, and Energy.
It doesn't matter to me what the Pope, my MIL or anyone else thinks. I will not have so many children that I cannot provide each and every one of them with those four necessities.
Anecdotal tales are just useless! I know several adult "Onlies" who are fantastic people with healthy, strong relationships and never missed a sibling. I know several 7+ children families where the now-adult siblings only meet at funerals and they have terrible relationships (one's married to my brother).
Look as objectively as possible at yourself & your partner--and your child and try to honestly determine what your capacities are!
I thought for a long time that I would have a large family. I thought that I really, really wanted that! Fortunately I came to the realization that I was being very selfish. What I wanted and what my children needed might not be compatible! There may be mothers-of-many who have it within themselves to give each & every child they have everything a child needs. I just know that I would not be able to, and would be very unhappy with myself about that. After all, better to raise one child with all your best efforts than to raise 4 without. Now, I'm really content and satisfied with our 2 child family. I'm ready to pass-along baby's things as he outgrows them! (And to think how very carefully I chose things to be as sturdy & unisex as possible! LOL)
Every child deserves a full measure of her parent's time, attention, patience and energy. . .
Teresa


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

Very funny about people breeding beyond their capacities. But you have given me something to think about...


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

Yeah, I'm LMAO







:

peggy


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Oh, Peggy, you of many children, I do not see how in any way you are bred beyond capacity. You have the resources. You have the love and the means to give it. You are a great mama, hon, and if anyone should have 100 kids it should be you, you replace the 100 moms, who like Teresa is saying, should have none!

Quote:

I know several 7+ children families where the now-adult siblings only meet at funerals and they have terrible relationships
Teresa, that is my dad's family to a tee. Very sad.


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## carol (Jan 29, 2002)

i can definetly see why some one would want to limit their family size. i have 11 . but i have created a family. a family is what you make it but i can't see how it could benefit a person to have no siblings. it seems a shame to deprive a child of all the eternal benefits of siblings. the "iron sharpens iron"works when there is some iron to sharpen against. it is a scarry world , it would be nice to have a sibling or two to curl up with and share all your night time fears that feels much like you do. children see the world differently than we do,and they discuss their lives with each other differently than with mon or dad.


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Carol did you even read this whole thread? We have approached and dismissed the idea that having kids for reasons such as for companionship for each othere as a valid reason to have more thatn one child if you do not want to.

Your family sounds great, and I am so glad it has worked so well for you. I secretly deep down want a big family, but know that I can't handle it and that my earth cannot either.

Please, this thread has refrained from criticizing those with big families. Don't try to make us who are having only one feel like we are lacking or neglecting our children. You are free to express your opinion, but this is mine. I can think of a million places I can go if I wanted to hear why I should have more than one kid but only one that I can find to get support in having only one kid and that is this thread. Let's keep it on track. Peace.


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## jempd (Feb 27, 2002)

Yeah, well, I've found, since becoming a parent, that competitiveness is alive and well in the world of parents. There's always one (or two sometimes) who's way more experienced, who had a much more traumatic birth, who has more kids, more this or that. It used to rankle but I just let it go now. I could also say what Lee4 originally said, to be honest, and I appreciate the honesty here.

DH and I moved in together soon after we realized I was pregnant and got married when I was 7 months pregnant, and we hadn't even been together that long, so I feel that our time together 'pre-baby' was kinda brief and we both miss it some. We're planning on traveling with the one baby and enjoying being our little unit of 2 adults, one baby, one dog.

I have a friend who comes from a family of 14 kids--yes, from the same two people, all biological, no twins, that's 14 pregnancies. Her take on it was that she was raised by her older siblings (she's the 12th) and doesn't even really know her mother. I was open mouthed the first time she told me she has 5 sisters and 8 brothers and reeled off their names and the names of their kids. 30 neices and nephews!!!!! And guess what, she's decided not to have kids at all.


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

Take it easy on the newbies, mamapie









peggy


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

Yes this thread for the most part has refrained from attacking large families. But there were a few generalizations made that did seem insulting. The idea that Mother's of large families, let the older children raise them, that we plonk them down in front of the TV, that we don't care about the environment, that we are uneducated, religious, breeders....
I don't want to start anything. I could care less what size family you have and I would never speculate or generalize about your mothering based on the size of your family.
I have been coming to these boards for over a year. This topic comes up often (there is another discussion going on in activism) All I am asking is that people refrain from making sweeping generalizations.
Thank you,
peggy


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Peggy! I am going to spank you. I don't but guess I should look at numbers before I rant. Hmmm. Carol, I am always looking for more friends, if you are reading this come back so I can give you a hug. That said I was not too rough anyway.

Peggy, I know it must be hard to see or be involved in a conversation like this when you have so many kids!! You did see where I clarified what an awesome mama I think you are, right?

Maybe it would be good to start a thread extolling the virtues of larger families.


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

Why mamapie, I do believe I'm being told to mind my own business!!!LOL! Ok I will. But I won't go start my own thread on the virtues of large families, because I hope we learned from this thread that it is not the size of the family that matters, but the people in it.
Hugs to all...sorry if I got "pissy"

peggy


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Sweetie, my business posted here is your business! If I want to hear anyone's voice it is yours. You weren't pissy at all.


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

I'm with you here, Peggy. I only have two children right now, but there are more in our future, God willing. I was also beginning to feel the "heat" from those who only want one. I have been on here posting in support for those who only want one and, God forbid, I included an anecdote about my wonderful, only child, next door neighbor. I feel that family size is an issue that is very personal to each family. The thread did begin to take a very anti-large family turn. I know many only child families, and in some families the child is wonderful, and in others, the child is a brat. I also know many families with more (often many more) than one child, and the same can be said there. The idea that one side is right on this topic is crazy. There has been talk about how large family parents let the older children "raise" the younger ones, and don't fulfull their parenting duties. There are also only children who are sent to day care ten hours a day so there parents can persue their careers. Of course this happens in families with more than one also.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we should stop judging the choices of others when it comes to the size of our families. Be gentle, mamapie. Had I been Carol, that post would have hurt me. Perhaps you didn't mean the tone to be as harsh as it was, one of the drawbacks to only having a keyboard to express our opinions. The companionship issue that Carol brought up may have been dismissed by you, but I am sure that there are many who still find this to be important for their family. My brother and I are not close now, but I loved having him around growing up and can't imagine what my life would have been like without him. I don't expect my two sons to be best friends for life, or ever to be best friends for that matter, but their are many things that having a sibling teaches you, and many riches to be gained from growing up with siblings.


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Um, I am stepping out of this now. I already explained to Carol that I did not mean to be hurtful.


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

Well said Beth and Thank you~

peggy


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## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

wow!
you scared me for a second
as i thought you were all mad at me!

LOL

PS

I'd rather the mom and dad decide to have kids for their OWN reasons. Not because of what they think for their "kids". Who knows what your kids will want/need? My opinion is mom and dad need to decide what THEY want and NEED and the children will be FINE AND HAPPY with or without siblings. It is the parent's choice not the baby's.

No one chooses to be brought into this world anway.


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## levar (Jan 28, 2002)

Hi Ladies, I just wanted to say SORRY if I started this with the one vs multiple kids stuff? It was a flip comment about my friend being crazy for wanting six kids. We are both crazy. Crazy about our families.







Please dont take offense.

~Sandie


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

No worries Sandy..I'm a little loopy myself!!

peggy


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Note to self: Don't go online when you are in the midst of emotional turmoil. It shows.

Note to Carol: I am so sorry. I reread it again and it is rough. Yes, I have a passionate faith in my beliefs, but it doesn't mean I have to alienate those who think differently.

Note to everyone else: I left this thread, you didn't see me here.


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

You showed your class, mamapie!!!









It's tough to know how others are going to interpret our posts. Adding smilies only goes so far. It's nice to read that you reread your post and could see what we saw. I too, apologize for my harshness toward you. Truce?


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

Hey, perhaps if anyone wants to decide if they want to have a large family they could volunteer to watch Peggy's kids for a week so she could take a nice, relaxing vacation.


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## pie (Apr 7, 2006)

Peace, doll!


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## Marg of Arabia (Nov 19, 2001)

How many kids we have(when it is in our control) is going to be VERY different for all.

I am an only child. Having one was OUT of the question for me. My husband and I wanted 2, we ended up with a bonus. I LOVE having 3 and I often daydream about more(but wouldn't do it) . I am always seeing how great it is too have siblings. My parents were the best. THey had kids over every day and a lot of nights., THey tried to make up for it. I begged them to have more or adopt and I remember thinking I would grow up and have 6! So, I think for me having 3 is fantastic and I love it!! Having an only child may be exactly what is right for another woman(like mamapie)!! And it IS right for her, if it is what she feels comfortable and fullfilled with!! Everyone feels differently about what they need and can handle!! Of course the biggest problem comes when partners can't agree on how many to have. This can cause a lot of hurt feelings.

marg


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## jempd (Feb 27, 2002)

Well I didn't think that my post was so insulting to large familites when i wrote it, but I see in retrospect that it certainly wasn't positive, eitehr. It was more of a relating of a REALLY large family--so large that I marveled at it more than anything else. They are a farm family and it made more sense to me in light of that context. My friend who has decided not to have kids says that that decision is partly informed by coming from a large family and partly just her personal choice. I don't think of myself as being prejiduced against large families but I was thinking more along the lines of large families being 4 or more kids, up to 9, and over that being extreme. I think if you wanted to have 6 kids and have the resources to raise them, then that's your decision and should come under no more scrutiny than anyone's decision to have only one child. I certainly didn't want to contribute to any large-family bashing.

I should also say that I have another friend from a family of 9, and it's clear that she and her siblings all feel a strong connectedness and a feeling of belonging to a tight unit of family. They vacation every year together and though she (my friend) is childless she is quite close to a few of her neices/nephews and they stay with her, etc. I went to the funeral of their brother (the only male) of the 9 kids and it was very moving. They clearly all were very close, and their number made no difference to that.

I may also have some feelings that I don't examine all that closely because they're not comfortable; my parents have 4 kids and why is completely beyond me. That they had one is understandable, 2, even, I could see, but that was stretching their emotional capabilities pretty far, especially of my father. But they went ahead and had 4, just one of a long list of irresponsible moves.

So, I apologize if my post slighted any one who has a large family of their own or comes from one.


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## peggy (Nov 19, 2001)

Wow!!! I really like Beth's idea...any takers???:LOL

I hope I made my apologies clear to all. There were about three threads going on at once(about having one child or overpopulation)) and I was starting to get a little defensive.
Again sorry for dragging this thread so far off track.

I'm so proud of us for working this out with out a moderator or having to have the thread closed.

peggy


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

I too, am very proud of us. What a wonderful group of women (and men???) we are.







I was on the closed thread that Peggy referred to, and it gets frustrating when a post is read other than the way it was intended, yet the poster gets more defensive, rather than simply saying "sorry, didn't mean it that way." It takes a lot of class to admit that perhaps our posts were a little harsher than we intended. It is hard to put down what we are thinking in type. Unfortunately, or minds move so much faster than our fingers, and although what we are thinking doesn't sound harsh in our heads, we may leave out parts of what we are thinking, thus making our posts come off different than we intended.

It takes a big person to admit that they are "wrong" (I use that for lack of a better word -- I'm pretty tired and my brain is at low function today...) and we obviously have a lot of "big" people here.

We are a classy bunch, and I am proud of us all.


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

With such a great group of parents here, how can we not have great children, no matter how many we have.


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## Teresa (Jan 25, 2002)

Yikes!
It was not my intention to offend any mothers-of-many!
I was just trying to respond to the initial message on the thread!
Family size is a very personal choice, although I firmly believe that one should have time, attention, patience and energy for each and every child one chooses to add to one's family.
I know parents who do not have the capacity to provide that for one child and I'm sure there are parents who do have the capacity to provide these things for a dozen.
My apologies,
Teresa
(Who usually knows her limits, but certainly exceeded them with that post!)

Quote:

_Originally posted by bebe luna_
*Are any of you planning on only having one child?
What are your feelings and thoughts on having just one???
Just curious.*


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## PumpkinSeeds (Dec 19, 2001)

Still sitting here thinking about having one vs. having two. I guess only my dh and I can decide that.

I mean, I still don't know.

How will I know when I know? My biological clock is ticking...


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## Jeanne (Jan 20, 2002)

We definitly want to go for baby #2 this year, and we might try for a third depending on how things go.

<yow-sa, the biggest nose bubble yet!.. hehehehehehe>

I grew up with 2 loving parents and 4 siblings. We're all close to this day. My family probably ranked middle class, we all had the opportunity to go to college (my dad worked hard to save money for college for all 5 of us, and at one point held 3 jobs early on). No matter where I am in life I know I have the support and love of my family.

My husband had a bit of a different childhood but never stopped believing that one day he could have a stable family of his own. He impresses the heck out of me, he could have easily been sucked down by one of the many unfortunate situations that has occured throughout his life but he never let go of his ambitions or let anyone sour his outlook on life.

I'd say that we're both strong (emotionally) because of how we grew up. And, we both agree on where we're headed and how important our family is to us.

So, the answer for us was easy.


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## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

Pumpkin seed,

I don't think you will ever be sure that you are ready for another one. In my personal experience -- those that only want one child KNOW that they only want one. Those that aren't sure if they want another typically end up with more than one. They are more unsure about how it will affect their family. It is a hard decision to make. I found myself still questioning my decision to add to my family right up until my 2nd ds arrived. I really worried about how it would affect my older ds, but I shouldn't have, it all works out great in the end. When we decided to try to get pregnant I was still having second thoughts. It was almost a relief when I found out I was pregnant because I couldn't waver back and forth anymore. Plus, I found out that I really was excited about having another baby. My friends and I all agree that sometimes, unless you are absolutely adamant that you only want one, you just need to dive in head first. Otherwise the doubts and the fears will paralyze you. When the time comes and you decide to begin trying again, if you find yourself fearing that positive test, stop and re-evaluate, but what you will probably find is that you are really excited and looking forward to being pregnant again, and adding to your family. You will probably still have some lingering doubts, I don't know anyone who hasn't had them, but the excitement, anticipation and joy will surpass them. Good luck!


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