# My son has an arm fetish



## troymama (Feb 21, 2002)

Hey mamas. I need some advice.

My son, who is 3.5, has some compulsive need to always be touching my upper arms when he's around me. Now, its not just me, its pretty much all the women he's around, but of course I get it the most cause I'm around him the most. He likes to stroke, and hold with both hands, and kiss and put his face on my upper arms. If I have long sleeves on, he'll stick him hands up my sleeves and reach for the skin that way. He gives me hugs by putting his arms around me and stroking the backs of my arms. He'll tell me how much he loves my arms. The other moms at his preschool think its really cute and call them "Troy's arm massages".

But as you can probably guess by the fact that I'm posting, I can't stand it!! It creeps me out!! It makes my butt clench just thinking about it. I don't know why I hate it, but I really do. I've tried asking him not to, I've even declared "No Arms Days" in the house when he gets really insistent. But I feel horrible, cause I feel like I'm telling him that he can't express his love for me with touch. help? Anybody else dealing with a little fetishist?


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## mommyto2 (Nov 16, 2004)

Sorry. not much advice. Just sorry you are uncomfortable with his show of affection. I know you must be very torn about this. My dd wants to put her finger in my belly button (which completely freaks me out!)

I wish you luck with this conflict. Maybe move his hands to your face & help him find a new show of affection... Or try giving him a massage on his legs & back , but not arms... Always move toward the heart... PM me if you need info on massage... I have been a massage therapist for 8 years.


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## shaylahc (Nov 2, 2004)

OMG I thought my DD was the only one who did this! She is 5 now and still loves to rub my arms, especially if she is feeling unsure of herself. I used to attribute it to the fact that she was breastfed and used to love rubbing my breast with her open hand while she nursed.

I agree it gives me the willies when DD does it too.

It's good to know I am not alone! :LOL


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## troymama (Feb 21, 2002)

Thank you both for your replies. shaylahc, good to know there's another little rubber out there, and that it gives you the willies too!! I hadn't thought about it maybe being something that he does in certain situations, like when he's unsure of himself... I'll take a look into that! in the meantime, i'm just going to keep declaring "No Arms" days whenever I need to. Thanks for the support!


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## MamaDavid (Mar 7, 2004)

Another mama with kids with fetishes here - maybe we can start a tribe! DS 5, has a finger fetish - like to rub my finger on his upper lip while sucking the middle finger and ring finger on his left hand. His best is when he can find a bit of splintered nail on the side of one's cuticle - he calls this a "sharp one" and love rubbing that bit on his lip. The worst is when he starts making a "sharp one" himself, by scratching and picking at one's cuticle - drives me nuts and it can be very sore!

DD 2, has an ear and hair fetish. (All done while she sucks the exact same finders as her brother.) I don't know why I bother combing my hair, she always gets her little hands in there and ruffles it up. She holds onto my ear and tugs/pulls/kneads until my ear goes red and warm. The best is she gets all indignant if she swops from ear to hair and the goes back to my ear only to find that it is no longer warm - "your ear is cold!" I permanently have these little scabs on the back of my ears, from her scratching my ears.

As for them giving up - there might be some hope for DD, but as for DS - maybe his wife will be able to get him to stop one day....


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## Stacymom (Jul 7, 2002)

I love coming to MDC and finding out, that even in the little weird annoying things like this, I'm not the only one dealing with them! :LOL

My 3 1/2 year old is an arm rubber, and has been since she was about a year old and started rubbing our arms when we were rocking her to sleep. She does a lot of the things the other posters mentioned- like reaching up underneath sleeves, and insisting that she sleeps on top of dh's arm when she's in our bed. (Don't ask me how they manage that!) It drives me crazy sometimes- especially when she starts reaching up my shirt sleeves! It really feels like a violation of personal space, even though I know that there's no way she would ever see it that way.

I remember seeing a book called the "Five Love languages." (In fact, I think I might own it, but I never really read it.) The basic premise is that kids and parents alike all like to receive and express love in all different kinds of ways. It helps me to remember that my dd is a very physical person, and to her, arm rubbing is a way to connect with me or with her dad. If I can remember that, it helps me deal with the annoyance.

(That, and every once in awhile when we're cuddling, or I'm laying with her before she starts falling asleep, or she's feeling playful, I start rubbing her arm, and it drives her crazy! At least there is some semblance of payback! :LOL )


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## arty_mum (Feb 2, 2005)

My daughter would play with my hair while nursing , and while falling asleep, and it sometimes did really drive me crazy , she was as if possessed with it







: so occassionaly i would gently ask her to stop and explain that it was hurting me, or bothering me, and offered a substitute , like a close hug or something.. it didn't always work. My son loved to carress my neck, right under my chin, and around my windpipe.. now talk about annoying ! Sometimes I would gently lower his hand and sort of play with his fingers, continuing the touch but changing location.... and yes, it didn't always work. What I CAN say is that i miss both, now that both of these angels are older, and I barely remember the * annoying moments* but fondly remember how sweet it was







enjoy


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## BrandyX3 (Dec 9, 2004)

Hi, my 5 year old used to love to play with my hair when nursing and sleepy. He still does sometimes. But, he did have a huge foot fetish and would make me and his grandma's take our shoes off so he could play with them. If a someone else would walk in the house w/ sandals on, he would sneak and touch their feet.







But, we just ignored him and let him do his thing and he eventually got over that one. Thank goodness!!







He does still like to play with my mom's feet a little. I asked him why and he said he liked fat feet. The only thing is, my mom doesn't have fat feet! :LOL

It is funny the things kids do. My advice would be to just let your daughter do it and not make a big deal out of it and she will eventually stop.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

My youngest has to slip his hand under my shirt and rest it on my bare belly whenever I am near him. He rubs and pinches.

Ugh. I'm so tired of it.


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## OakEmber (Jul 3, 2002)

Another one here too! Dd is 4 and she likes to "feel my cold" so she will stick her hand up my sleeve and move her hand around to find cold spots...it can drive me crazy too, especially since it can sometimes feel like she is digging her fingers into my arms. She does this with anyone she feels close to too, and I have seen it become a bit of a problem because she has tried it on a couple friends and doesn't understand why they don't like it (when all the adults in her life permit it, at least most of the time). I'm am sure she will outgrow it in time as she gets more secure (at least I hope).


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## megangaia (Dec 7, 2001)

This is so hilarious!!! I don't mean to laugh, but we've got one too, and WOW, it can be nuts (to put it nicely







) DD is an ear girl...loves rubbing one while she sucks her fingers. Usually the victim is 1yr old ds. She's been doing it to him since he was an infant. Ugh. But she'll hit us up if we make her stop. "I wanna touch your ear!" she'll mumble through her fingers. It's definately a comfort thing for her. And when she's tired. It used to be cute, but we have started saying "no ear! no ear!" when she crawls in our lap. I agree, it gives me the heebie-jeebies now.

And of course, my fear now is that ds will grow up with his own ear fetish...having to have his ear rubbed by someone!!!!









Megan


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## troymama (Feb 21, 2002)

Man, I can't tell you ladies how much better I'm feeling about this fetish thing. "No ear, no ear!!" cracks me up. Thank you. :LOL

Anybody else?


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## mattjule (Nov 6, 2003)

It started at 4 mo old. Yes, 4 mo old. He found my other nipple. He wanted to twiddle it, pinch it, whatever. If I used my other hand to cover it, he would try to squirm under it with his hand. As he got older, he would angrily pry my fingers off. Then he found my belly button. And he would prod, prod, prod-hard- or pick the little knob in the middle. Dh and I both had scabs in our belly buttons. And he would alternate between nipple and belly button (never in a pattern) and I would try to be faster with my one hand to either cover my nipple or stick my finger in my belly button so he couldn't. THEN he found out that I had moles. And he started picking them. I had a large one on my side and I was racing between 3 places now. I had the stupid mole removed along with some other ones he picked. About that time he was finally leaving my nipple alone. This was a little after his first birthday. So he started rubbing my arms, finding any place that was slightly raised and picking it. We would tell him "no picking" that gets him to stop and go back to rubbing. 30 seconds later he's picking again. He rubs and picks when he is going to sleep, when I am angry and he wants to know I still love him, when he needs comfort, when he is bored, when he is shy or distracted. He does it without realizing he's doing it, like some sort of subconscious tic. There is no substitution. Attempted substitution just makes him furious. He picks dh's back at night. he rubs and picks me every time he resettles at night. he worms his hand under my shirt to pick my back. he gets really upset if i don't wear a tanktop to bed. there is no rhythm to it, no way to know when he is going to pick and so i lie there getting more and more tense, anticipating it. his desire to comfort himself does not give him the right to make someone bleed. he turns 3 next month and the situation is not getting any better. in fact, it hasn't changed in intensity since he started at 4mo. I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I firmly believe that my body is mine and no one, not even my children are allowed to violate it, even if it is their way of finding comfort. What lesson am I teaching them by allowing something that hurts and irritates ppl's skin? That if you are doing something for your own comfort it is okay, no matter how the other person feels? Or that you can violate someone as long as it is just your mother? I don't think it is too early to teach my kids that bodies are sacrosanct, you touch me b/c I give you permission, just like I touch you with your permission. You are not allowed to touch me in ways I don't like and I will not touch you in ways that hurt. I know my ds is capable of understanding respect for others, not just himself.


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## fishy (Dec 8, 2001)

i have to chime in here.

my son is an arm rubber, too. it started when he was tiny, i would say around 2 mnths? he would nurse and rub my arm. he kept on nursing and rubbing for 3.5 yrs. at which time he self-weaned. but he still would rub my arms.

the arm rubbing has subsided tremendously, but tonight, at 4.25, he wanted to rub my arm while falling asleep. it is so much less now than it used to be, thank goodness, bc it would really get under my skin.


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## troymama (Feb 21, 2002)

mattjule, I'm most certainly not going to flame you, and I'm not sure anyone else would, for standing up for your right to have your body touched as you want it to be. I totally agree with your reaction. If my son were making me bleed, i'd be anxious and want to teach him the right way too!!

I hope you guys can find a way through this!


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