# alternatives to 'good boy'



## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

I find myself saying 'good boy' a lot to DS which I know is not ideal. I use it more as encouragement than praise and I'd like to consciously try to say something else. What do you say when your toddler is trying to do something (use a spoon, climb on a trike, etc) and you want to encourage them? I'm not a big fan of 'good job' but there must be some other phrase that I could use. I know some people would say 'you are holding the spoon correctly and managed to get half of the porridge in your mouth' or 'you remembered to put your leg over the trike whilst holding on to the handle bars' but that is too wordy and awkward for me to use with a 13 mo. Any thoughts?


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

I like to say "I am so proud of you doing...."whatever it is that DD has done, but I do say "good girl" and I always feel like I'm talking to the dog when I say that, because that what I say to the dog. I do like to say "good job" or "I'm proud", that what I say most of the time.


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## pghgranola (Jun 22, 2007)

i say things like:

*very cool, just like mama. (if eating with utensils or mastering something.)

*you found it! good eye! (if reading a look-and-find book)

*i like the way you color! (and smile or wink)

*see, you can do it! (after she has been trying to do something)


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## JustVanessa (Sep 7, 2005)

I am personally not abject to praise, but I tend to praise actions more. I do use Good job! Or "Wow, you peed on the big potty, that is awesome!" or "You put your own shoes on, you are sure getting to be a big boy" I don't ever call my ds a "good boy or bad boy" I hate that.


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## ShiningStar (Jul 8, 2006)

I often just say "You did it". I still end up saying "good job". I'm not sure how gd any of that is. In your examples, I think you can shorten them and still get your point across: "You're eating your porridge with your spoon" and "You got on your trike by yourself".


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## clarinetb (Jul 31, 2007)

I have the same dilemma







I use good girl a bit. I agree that longer phrases are awkward with a 15 month old, she forgot what she was doing when I started talking









We try to say "good work", "nice job" or something like that. We're trying to keep to praising the effort rather than the "you're clever" or "you're smart"

I think they like to hear something positive and a smile. So even 'nice' seems to work with a grin









Love to hear other ideas too!


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## dawncayden (Jan 24, 2006)

I don't use good boy, but I sometimes use good job.
also:
Wow, you did it!
That's great!
Awesome!
Did you do a and b yourself? (big smile)

actually I do that a lot...questions!

Did you just dress yourself? (while smiling)
Did you finish all your dinner? (smiling)

He seems to really look proud of himself if I ask him like that


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## Subliime (Mar 24, 2007)

I say "That's right! You did it!" or something to that effect. I do say "That's right" alot. I avoid saying good girl or big girl. I am not into the whole praising thing but the other day she went pee in her potty chair and I couldn't help but get extremely excited and praise her. oops...


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## Ophelia (Feb 16, 2005)

I try to avoid Good Job although it rolls right out of DH's mouth









I do say:

-Thank You, even if it's something I didn't ask him to do. Like if he picks something off the floor and gives it to me.

-Yaaaay and hand clapping, for things like going potty, also Thank You again.

-Good Eye, instead of Good Job, if he sees something and says he sees it.

As he gets older I'll expand the vocabulary more, he's 22mo right now.


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

I try to describe what I see, rather than label it (or the child) as good or bad or nice, etc. Yeah, that's right, I'm drinkin' the Alfie Kool-Aid.







Examples:

You did it!
Wow!
I saw you climb ALL THE WAY to the TOP!
This room is SO CLEAN, and now we have room to play (whatever game)!!
Thank you for helping me set the table, sort the laundry, etc.
You look really excited!
You look very proud of yourself!
Do you feel SO HAPPY?
That's the first time you ever did ___!
You did it the same way I did!
You did it your way!
I see ALL the blocks in the bucket!

Some of those are wordier than others, but could be simplified.


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## Miasmamma (Sep 20, 2006)

I use Good Girl, but I think it's a carry over from having dogs long before I had children. I generally try to be specific.


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## frog (Jun 1, 2005)

...


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## Selesai (Oct 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JustVanessa* 
I am personally not abject to praise, but I tend to praise actions more. I do use Good job! Or "Wow, you peed on the big potty, that is awesome!" or "You put your own shoes on, you are sure getting to be a big boy" I don't ever call my ds a "good boy or bad boy" I hate that.









: I say "good job" usually.


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## LeslieOT (Nov 1, 2006)

I learned from someone once to praise the action, because "good job" is sort of meaningless to a child. So, still say "good" but then fill in what was good--for example, "Good using your spoon!" or "Good following directions!" etc.


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## SundayCrepes (Feb 15, 2008)

I'm also on praising actions that are task/developmental related like peeing on the potty or using an appropriate utensil.

+However, when my son does something courteous, I do say, "What a good guy." Often that is coupled with something like, "That was so nice of you to do that."


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## ~Yola (Sep 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dawncayden* 
I don't use good boy, but I sometimes use good job.
also:
Wow, you did it!
That's great!
Awesome!
Did you do a and b yourself? (big smile)

actually I do that a lot...questions!

Did you just dress yourself? (while smiling)
Did you finish all your dinner? (smiling)

He seems to really look proud of himself if I ask him like that









I'll admit, I'm not the best at keeping to GD principles (I need to educate myself more!) But I wanted to chime in on the questions aspect as I do that a lot..

"Hey, did you just do such and such all by yourself?"
"Who cleaned up all the books, did you do it?"
"I didn't know you could .... did you just learn that now?"

And I tend to follow up with something to put the personal satisfaction the child gets at the forfront of why I'm mentioning it..

"You must be so proud"
"You are such a great helper!"
"Wow, you're getting so big to be able to do that yourself!"

I also use a lot of the examples Hubris gave


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## angelachristin (Apr 13, 2007)

so what do you do when someone else keeps saying "GOOD BOY/GIRL!" to your DC? I try to avoid it but it's all I ever hear from MIL...it drives me insane.."Good boy! Gooooooooooood boooooooooy!!!" Should I just ignore it? She's not a real receptive person. She's still hounding me about putting him "on the bottle" and getting him some "real hard soled shoes," etc. he's 17 months old.


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## frogautumn (May 24, 2007)

angelachristin said:


> so what do you do when someone else keeps saying "GOOD BOY/GIRL!" to your DC? I try to avoid it but it's all I ever hear from MIL...it drives me insane.."Good boy! Gooooooooooood boooooooooy!!!" QUOTE]
> 
> Good question...my mom loves this. "Such a good boy!"


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## dawncayden (Jan 24, 2006)

I've had one conversation with MIL who would say it CONSTANTLY! She's pretty aware of it now, and if she slips up, I don't bat an eye. She says it far less now than she used to.
I just told her we are trying to say useful things to him, and that 'good boy' doesn't really mean anything. We printed out an article that she read too.
She needed alternative things to say, so she has a small list of things like 'Good show'







and 'Wow, thats great'








I gave her better ones but I think she's forgotten them.


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## angrypixiemama (Jan 5, 2007)

I try to be very specific with her, and have even when she was little.

Examples: Thank you so much for helping! YOu are a great helper!
How caring you are with the kitty. Thank you.


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## wannabe (Jul 4, 2005)

I say things like

hooray!
look at what you did!
you did it!
wow!
that was tricky!

With courtesy I simply respond with good manners myself, saying "you're very welcome", and giving a big hug, or if it's with someone else I'll say something like "That was nice to say thank you to that lady, it made her happy".

WRT the MIL, have you tried explaining how much more meaningful it is to notice what they actually did?


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## angelachristin (Apr 13, 2007)

I've been trying to just sort of be an example WRT MIL, like if DS puts away his blocks and she says "GOOOOOOOOOD BOOOOOY!" I will make a point to say, "Wow, Jackson, you did great putting your blocks in the basket!" So far, it hasn't worked. And she's the type to turn into a big fat UA violation if you say something to her. Oh well.


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## Bunnybee (Jan 16, 2007)

I have the same problem with MIL saying "good girl" and "good boy" all the time. I also try to set the example but I haven't specifically talked to her about it. I'm actually afraid of offending her. She is 74 years old and comes from a totally different mind set. She doesnt see the kids too often (once or twice a week) so I think the limited exposure may be OK! (I hope)


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## dawncayden (Jan 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bunnybee* 
I have the same problem with MIL saying "good girl" and "good boy" all the time. I also try to set the example but I haven't specifically talked to her about it. I'm actually afraid of offending her. She is 74 years old and comes from a totally different mind set. She doesnt see the kids too often (once or twice a week) so I think the limited exposure may be OK! (I hope)

I'd consider once or twice a week really often









I understand not wanting to bring something like this to certain people. But sometimes there are creative ways to letting people know. Maybe you pop in a video where they talk about over praising, or you leave your book lying around, and mention what a great book it is and how the 'new' theory is to not over praise because blah blah blah...

When we talked to MIL, my mom and step MIL about it, it wasn't right when they said 'good boy' otherwise it would seem like an accusation maybe. Instead we brought it up non chalant...what we are reading into...hearing about etc. Then we often ask, what people talked about concerning kids when they were raising their children. By doing this, they see that times change, things get more researched, and it doesn't mean that their parenting choices are 'wrong', just different.

With step MIL, who was the worst at saying good boy, we only see her once a month at most, and it was so overbearing that we HAD to say something


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## Perdita_in_Ontario (Feb 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hubris* 
I try to describe what I see, rather than label it (or the child) as good or bad or nice, etc. Yeah, that's right, I'm drinkin' the Alfie Kool-Aid.







Examples:

You did it!
Wow!
I saw you climb ALL THE WAY to the TOP!
This room is SO CLEAN, and now we have room to play (whatever game)!!
Thank you for helping me set the table, sort the laundry, etc.
You look really excited!
You look very proud of yourself!
Do you feel SO HAPPY?
That's the first time you ever did ___!
You did it the same way I did!
You did it your way!
I see ALL the blocks in the bucket!

Some of those are wordier than others, but could be simplified.









This is me. We try very hard to not be constantly praising (DH has started making fun of some of the parents we hear at daycare, saying things like "Good Smiling!" "Good Breathing!") but we do try to describe what she's doing, and if I need something that rolls of my tongue quickly, we go with "You did it!".

As for MILs etc, I don't bother. I wish dcp would move away from Good Job, but there's not much I can do about it, or the grands. I just know that I'm counteracting it by being descriptive.


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## Maggirayne (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Perdita_in_Ontario* 
We try very hard to not be constantly praising (DH has started making fun of some of the parents we hear at daycare, saying things like "Good Smiling!" "Good Breathing!")
















:


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## crittersmum (Feb 26, 2008)

I'm just reading _How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk_ (must...stop...reading...parenting books!); it had a great chapter on praise. The authours sum up:

1) Describe what you see: _"I see a clean floor!"_
2) Describe what you feel: _"It's a pleasure to walk into this room!"_
3) Sum up the child's praiseworthy behaviour with a word. _"You sorted all your blocks! That's what I call organization!"_

I thought they put their reasoning so well, too, so I'll just include it:

"You can take away 'good boy' by calling him a 'bad boy' the next day. But you can't ever take away from him the time he cheered his mother with a get-well card, or the time he stuck with his work and perservered even though he was very tired.

"These moments, when his best is affirmed, become life-long touchstones to which a child can return in times of doubt or discouragement. In the past he did something he was proud of. He has it within him to do it again."


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## odenata (Feb 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *crittersmum* 
I'm just reading _How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk_ (must...stop...reading...parenting books!); it had a great chapter on praise. The authours sum up:

1) Describe what you see: _"I see a clean floor!"_
2) Describe what you feel: _"It's a pleasure to walk into this room!"_
3) Sum up the child's praiseworthy behaviour with a word. _"You sorted all your blocks! That's what I call organization!"_

I thought they put their reasoning so well, too, so I'll just include it:

"You can take away 'good boy' by calling him a 'bad boy' the next day. But you can't ever take away from him the time he cheered his mother with a get-well card, or the time he stuck with his work and persevered even though he was very tired.

"These moments, when his best is affirmed, become life-long touchstones to which a child can return in times of doubt or discouragement. In the past he did something he was proud of. He has it within him to do it again."

I love that book! DH and I have been using it since our dd was less than two, and it really helps us.

We try hard to avoid things like, "good job!" (We never really used "good girl" ever.) We try to be more specific, like, "you used the potty all by yourself!"

What cracks me up is when dd does it to us, like, "Mama, you used the potty all by yourself! You must be so proud!"


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## clarinetb (Jul 31, 2007)

crittersmum said:


> I'm just reading _How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk_ .....
> 
> "You can take away 'good boy' by calling him a 'bad boy' the next day. But you can't ever take away from him the time he cheered his mother with a get-well card, or the time he stuck with his work and perservered even though he was very tired. ....
> /QUOTE]
> ...


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## mariel0419 (Apr 13, 2007)

DH says "good boy" all the time and where did he get it? From MIL but she uses "good job" more often...really makes my skin crawl.







:

Last night DH said "good boy" when DS was eating since he's always sooo picky, but he was feeding himself and eating alot. I told DH that DS is "always good" even when he doesn't eat. I just said factually, "looks like you're hungry, like the food?"

DH laughs at me, but I try to show him by example rather than lecturing him...doesn't work if I tell him what to do, kwim...


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