# Having 3 kids vs 4 kids?



## Nosy

Just had our 3rd & still not feeling complete (hormones?). If we are brave enough to add a 4th someday, what's it like? Do you feel the "big family" label more? Is it harder logistically? Does it help Baby #3 not feel the odd person out? How has it changed your family dynamic? Thanks for any experiences you can share.


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## SaraC

We weren't planning on a fourth baby because we were "done" after 3. Number 3 was a hard baby and still as a 2 yr old has a big personality. But I got pregnant because we were careless with birth control and it was the BEST thing to happen to our family. It really helps my 2 yr old to have a younger sibling. I had 2 kids 2 years apart and then we had #3 about 4 yrs later so she was the odd man out. She loves her baby sister and she just wasn't meant to be the "baby". Our #4 was born 1 week after #3 2nd birthday so I have 2 and 2 and it is perfect for us.

Some things are harder than other. Our car is offically maxed out. We cannot transport anyone but our family (4 kids+2 adults). Right now our niece is with us visting and if we want to go anywhere as a family unit we have to take 2 cars. I know that will change when she leaves this weekend but I know eventually we might have to get another car as our children grow and want to have friends visit/go places with us.

Dinner/bath/bed is about the same and going places can be hectic but not totally terrible. I go places with all of the kids by myself.

I do feel like a big family and some days are harder than others. Like right now everyone except me and the baby has the stomach bug. It sucks but it would suck with just 2 or 3 kids. I think we are way more laid back with our family now than we were when our oldest 2 were this age. But I think that comes from parenting and know what is best for your family and letting go of the small stuff.

I look at my girls and cannot believe I have four kids and LOVE it.


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## Drummer's Wife

I kinda do think four has pushed us over to the "big family" label. But that's cool, I like the attention







no, but it's not much harder than three. Just a little bit crazier.

I have 3 boys, and 1 girl. My DD is the oldest and then my DS's are all 2 yrs apart. The oldest two play together a lot, and the younger two do as well - so it's like they each have someone to hang out with. Also, my middle two spend a lot of time together.

Four seems like a ton to someone with no kids, or just one, but once you are used to having three, it's not that big of deal, IMO, to add another.


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## lachingona1

I am wondering the same thing. I have three but the second my third was born I wanted another one, and still do! I just don't feel like my family is complete yet.


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## peaceful_mama

I want a fourth---SOMEDAY. Preferably a girl, but that is because *I* always wanted a sister.

that said I do







my boys big time.

DD was only 14 months when I found out about DS2 and I remember sitting in my CNM's office crying with her nursing at my first PNV. (then I cried at my second PNV with her because I had to tell her I wanted her to be my backup hospital plan, but I was going to homebirth this time...I LOVED LOVED LOVED my CNM and had a FABULOUS birth with DD, but I just cried at the thought of sitting at a hospital for 2 days for NO reason and DH having to choose between me and new baby or releiving my parents of caring for the kids at home...)

Now, with DS2 I am THRILLED and he is the HAPPIEST baby EVER.







and DD loves him. They are 5 days short of 22 months apart.

I will *NOT* if I can possibly avoid it have that same spacing again. I feel like I slacked some on discipline with DD because I was hugely pregnant and tired, busy with the new baby, etc etc and am paying for it now. (things she got away with in regard to fighting with older bro for example...)

But I DO DO DO want a 4th...SOMEDAY...I was actually thinking it might be nice for DD to be the same age DS1 is now, 4-5, DS2 would be 3...at the soonest.

I do NOT take all my kids alone places unless we are talking about the playground or other child-centered location. I would if they were older I think.

I DO love taking the boys (ages almost 5 and 10 months) they are super-easy to handle together. I thoroughly enjoyed a mom's evening with video with the two of them back when DS2 was a little baby--he nursed through the movie and slept and smiled while we chatted, and DS1 disappeared with the other kids most of the evening. *Perfect*









It's not that I don't ADORE my dd it's that she is 2.5 and she is INTENSE....she runs out the door at will throughout the day here. She still has potty accidents--oddly enough NOT when she is out, but at home. And she WON'T take herself to the bathroom--she will SCREAM until I escort her. And she and her older brother fight CONTINUALLY....with OCCASIONAL moments where I have a GLIMMER of hope that SOMEDAY they just MIGHT be able to communicate....

but she also comes up behind me and says "I kiss your butt Mom!" while doing it. She's full of hugs and love. She is sweet.

Wouldn't give any of them back for anything and someday, even though now it seems a little crazy....I would like to expand the love....


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## gillibean

Well, I'm pregnant with my 4th so I haven't yet had to deal with them all together. The thing that makes me consider a 4th to be a transition to a big family is that we won't all fit in most standard cars. Right now we can all squish in a Hyundai Elantra. We'll be needing to upgrade to a minivan by the time the new one arrives. I guess lots of people get minvans before they actually need them for the extra seats, we just prefer cars.


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## Care Lee

Well, we just transitioned to 4. So, I have a 6 yo, 4 yo, 1 yo, and 4 week old. Some moments I am really overwhelmed, and if I stop to actually think about it I get overwhelmed- but I think I like it better than 3. I feel like I've taken the pressure off myself for everything to be perfect, and I'm just sort of embracing the fun and craziness of everything. I feel like I just have more of a sense of humor and I'm more laid back. Or maybe I've just lost my mind and I don't realize it







!


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## orangefoot

I have 4 but its more like 2+2 as they are 16, 12, 6 and 3.

Four is more tricky with the car as you need more seats but other than that 4 has been good for us. I agree with Drummer's Wife that once you have 3 adding another isn't much trouble.

That said, our fourth is the craziest of all our children in terms of personality and that wears us out.


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## Nosy

Thanks, it's great to see other happy big families out there. Maybe someday...


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## Serenyd

I think it really depends on the family. Esp. what your parental tolerance level is and the ages/spacing and temperaments of your kids. My two boys are easy peasy as far as their personalities, but very high energy and that sometimes poses a problem. I'm waiting & curious to see what this little girl will be like. I think how well we all fit together and how well we handle this size family financially, will probably dictate if we have anymore.


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## flapjack

Here, four is definitely a big family and some days it's hard work. Then other days life just runs itself and I wonder what all the fuss is about. (My eldest is coming up to 11, and my youngest won't be 2 until January- we have a fifth due at Christmas as well.)

There aren't many things that we won't do as a family, with one parent wrangling all four kids. Ice skating. Anything involving safety equipment, and I really dislike taking all of mine swimming at once.
And as for the rest of it, family dynamics are constantly evolving anyhow, so







: It's sorted itself out for us, I find.


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## mum06

I have four (7, 6, 3 1/2, and 17 months) and I'm pregnant with #5. Going from 3 to 4 was a piece of cake. She just fit right in with the rest of the loving insanity around here. My third never felt sibling rivalry because there is always someone to play with (or gang up on).

People do make plenty of comments when we are out and about (you've got your hands full is the most frequent and are they all yours is second), but I just smile.

The funny thing is... I refused to take just two to the pool by myself...but now I take 4 with no issues. Taking two kids places caused stress...taking four is no big deal. I couldn't ever possibly get anything done or the house clean with two, but manage just fine with four. Maybe I've changed!


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## beckyand3littlemonsters

i have 4 and personaly don't find it very different to 3, it is hard at times but then it was with 3, it was with 2 hell it was with only 1, we all have hard times if you want 4 and really bellieve that having 4 is for you , why not.
i still want more, i'm always broody


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## beckyand3littlemonsters

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mum06* 
People do make plenty of comments when we are out and about (you've got your hands full is the most frequent and are they all yours is second), but I just smile.

i get those comments too all the time kind of gets annoying doesn't it


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## MaryLang

I have 4, ages 5, 4, 3, and 10 mnths. And for us it's not any harder than 3. But then again I'm already thinking about a 5th. The more the merrier!!! They have so much fun together!


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## ChetMC

We're expecting number four very soon.

The car issue is one that we have yet to resolve. We'd have more options though if all of our kids didn't need to be in carseats. We're looking at a year, possibly more, of four kids all being under 40lbs, which two rear facing.

Most people I've talked to have said that three to four was a relatively easy transition. Barring any unusual circumstances (special needs kids, high needs babies, etc), it was the two to three transition that was tough. You have two hands and two parents, so with three kids you're outnumbered. A lot of things are set up for families of four. Hotel rooms easily accommodate four. You get a table faster at a restaurant if you can fit a table for four. At a lot of places, a "family" is defined as two adults and two children.

I'm really looking forward to number four. Sometimes I worry that we will be a complete traveling circus, but mostly, I excited to have another baby and our kids to have another partner in crime.


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## terrabella

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nosy* 
Just had our 3rd & still not feeling complete (hormones?). If we are brave enough to add a 4th someday, what's it like? Do you feel the "big family" label more? Is it harder logistically? Does it help Baby #3 not feel the odd person out? How has it changed your family dynamic? Thanks for any experiences you can share.

I found 1, 2, & 4, to be really easy. It was the adjustment to 3 children that was a challenge. Four was easy after that.


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## jillmamma




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## mum06

The meanest one I got was "Well I guess you know how to prevent any future children, now don't you?" And that was when I had only three!


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## AquariusHome

Intereting that a few of you mentioned the youngest being the "odd man out". I'm thinking of adding #4 so that my middle guy won't have "middle child syndrome". DH and I are both from families of 3 and the middle one has such a complex even as an adult. So I never considered the youngest having the hardest time with the dynamics of a 3 child family even though I was the youngest and I did feel like I was the odd man out when I was a child. I thought that was just being the only girl and 4 yrs younger than my brother (the 2 boys were 2 yrs apart).

Can anyone comment on the middle child syndrome issue? Does adding a 4th reduce that dynamic?


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## MamaChicken

We jumped from two to four, but now that we survived most of year one with the twins, I am loving it. DS1 was 8 when DD was born and I thought one was hard, then I KNEW that two were really hard. Now, I know that four is hard and wonderful, and fantastic - all at once.


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## Dandelionkid

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LaurieG* 
Intereting that a few of you mentioned the youngest being the "odd man out". I'm thinking of adding #4 so that my middle guy won't have "middle child syndrome". DH and I are both from families of 3 and the middle one has such a complex even as an adult. So I never considered the youngest having the hardest time with the dynamics of a 3 child family even though I was the youngest and I did feel like I was the odd man out when I was a child. I thought that was just being the only girl and 4 yrs younger than my brother (the 2 boys were 2 yrs apart).

Can anyone comment on the middle child syndrome issue? Does adding a 4th reduce that dynamic?

The genders matter. If 1 and 2 are opposite genders then it is like having two first-borns in terms of birth order, and no "middle-child", even in a family of 3. I'm curious what your dh family looked like?


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## AquariusHome

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
The genders matter. If 1 and 2 are opposite genders then it is like having two first-borns in terms of birth order, and no "middle-child", even in a family of 3. I'm curious what your dh family looked like?

Hmm.. DH's family was all boys. So does that mean if our theoretic DC 4 was a boy then my middle guy would still be the middle guy and DD would be like a firstborn?


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## ChetMC

Of course this depends on the age and gender of the kids, but by the time you get to four kids (a lot of our extended family have four or more) it seems that stereotypical roles (oldest, middle, baby) really break down. The family dynamic doesn't easily fall into a category anymore. It's more unique to the family.

Yeah, if you have three teenage girls and a four year old boy, the boy is probably the odd man out. Also, spacing and gender can sometimes mean that your large family actually breaks down into two smaller families with more traditional dynamics. Really though, with the number of relationships that you have formed between two adults and four or more kids, the dynamics are complex enough that you just don't get the stereotypical positioning.

One thing I like about families with four or more kids is that there are a lot of relationships. If a child doesn't click well with one sibling, they probably get along better with another. With more relationships there is less pressure on any single one.

I've read that there is less fighting between individuals in larger families. I think this makes sense. If you have one sibling you only have one to argue with, but if you have three siblings, you have to spread your arguing and bickering around more.

I don't think that families with two kids breed issues, or that big families circumvent them simply by being big, but it does seem to me that families with four or more kids are more relaxed about family roles and tensions. They seem to have more perspective on it. And in contrast, we seem to know a lot of smaller families (two or three kids) where even as adults there is still a lot of sibling rivalry and competition.


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## jenmk

We have found that 4 is not hardly different than 3, in terms of chaos and logistics.

Other than that, boy does our 4th add a LOT of love! My boys are totally in love with their baby sister, have been since they first learned I was pregnant. It's really beautiful and fun to have them adoring her, clamoring to hold, hug, and kiss her all day long. They are so thrilled with her very presence in their lives. Me too.

And although we were done at 3 and #4 was a surprise, it finally feels as if my family is complete. My DD needed to be here. We all needed her. She has rounded us out, somehow.

I don't usually feel like a large family, though we are, but perhaps that's because #4 is still an infant. Perhaps when she is running around like her older brothers, then it will feel BIG to me. Or maybe not.

It just feels right. It feels just right. I love my family!!


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## jenners26

We're due with number 4 any day now. It's reassuring to see some of you comment that going to number 4 was easiest. I think for us, it will definitely be that way. When we had #3, #2 was only 12 months, so that was a big adjustment. Now, we'll have a 6yo, a 2yo, a 1yo, and a newborn. So, I worry more about #1 being the odd man out than I do either of the toddlers or the newborn.

We're facing the car issue as well. We're getting a tax return in December (we filed for an extension just so we'd have the money available!) and we're planning on using it towards a mini-van. Right now, we have a Grand Am, and we've already squeezed 3 carseats in the back, so we'll definitely need an upgrade!


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## 1stBabyAt39

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LaurieG* 
Intereting that a few of you mentioned the youngest being the "odd man out". I'm thinking of adding #4 so that my middle guy won't have "middle child syndrome". DH and I are both from families of 3 and the middle one has such a complex even as an adult. So I never considered the youngest having the hardest time with the dynamics of a 3 child family even though I was the youngest and I did feel like I was the odd man out when I was a child. I thought that was just being the only girl and 4 yrs younger than my brother (the 2 boys were 2 yrs apart).

Can anyone comment on the middle child syndrome issue? Does adding a 4th reduce that dynamic?

I agree. I was the middle of 3 kids, and I was always the odd one out. I remember a trip to Disneyland when I was a little kid, and we were riding Space Mtn. Brother rode with dad, sister rode with mom. Guess who got stuck riding with a complete stranger? Yup, middle child.







I think it's better with an even number of kids, that way nobody feels left out.

I had 4 step siblings, and they seemed to have a better balance.


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## LemonPie

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
The genders matter. If 1 and 2 are opposite genders then it is like having two first-borns in terms of birth order, and no "middle-child", even in a family of 3.

My experience is quite different here. #1 is a boy, #2 is a girl, #3 is a girl. And #2 has some pretty bad middle child stuff going on right now. She's driving DH and I a little crazy. But she's always been high-needs, from day one, so maybe that's the difference?







I don't know. All I know is that when #3 was concieved, DH said, "Now we have to have a 4th so DD2 won't have middle child syndrome!"









#3 will be one this week, so we're looking at TTC in the next 3-4 months and hopefully they'll be 2 or a little more years apart. My first 2 are 26 months apart and I liked that spacing a lot.


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## Dandelionkid

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LemonPie* 
My experience is quite different here. #1 is a boy, #2 is a girl, #3 is a girl. And #2 has some pretty bad middle child stuff going on right now. She's driving DH and I a little crazy. But she's always been high-needs, from day one, so maybe that's the difference?







I don't know. All I know is that when #3 was concieved, DH said, "Now we have to have a 4th so DD2 won't have middle child syndrome!"









#3 will be one this week, so we're looking at TTC in the next 3-4 months and hopefully they'll be 2 or a little more years apart. My first 2 are 26 months apart and I liked that spacing a lot.

Yeah- it's so much more complex than just one set formula isn't it? In my case the middle is a boy, flanked on either side by girls, and the fact that he gets so much attention for typical boy stuff (good coordination etc) leads me to believe he won't have so many "middle" issues. I wonder, though, if my last had been a boy, would he have needed to seek identity through attn. seeking behavior instead of just gender.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LaurieG* 
Hmm.. DH's family was all boys. So does that mean if our theoretic DC 4 was a boy then my middle guy would still be the middle guy and DD would be like a firstborn?

So what are your kids genders?


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## FreeRangeMama

I love having 4. They are all pretty closely spaced (the closest are 19 months apart, the farthest are 2y5mo.). I did get lucky with genders though, 2 boys followed by 2 girls. They are all so close and love each other so much that I just LOVE watching them interact. The fight too of course, but the good moments far outweigh the bad. Just last night the 6 year old insisted on putting his sisters (age 4 and 2) to bed. He snuggled up with them, held their hands and sang them lullabyes. The youngest wasn't satisfied until I came in to nurse her but the 4 year old happily went to sleep. Then I woke up this morning to the 8 year old complaining because his roommate slept in another room all night!.









I find that 3 was a harder dynamic. Too much competition or something. Just like when as a child I had 2 best friends, no matter what 2 of our 3 would pair off to play and that always left someone out. With 4 there is always someone left to play with. Even the 8 yo will happily play with the 2yo if the other two are involved in some sort of game. It works out great.

I also like how dh and I can split them. He can take 2 while I take the other 2. One for each hand







And 4 really doesn't seem like many. I take them everywhere except the pool (without help) on my own all the time. It isn't difficult at all.

I will say though that there is a certain kind of chaos that comes from having more kids. You just have to expect noise and mess. And laundry. Lots of laundry







But also, Four kids who light up MY face when they enter a room. Four versions of every experience excitedly relayed to me (all at once). Four giant goodnight hugs and kisses. I can't imagine how much poorer my life would be without any of them.

I also look ahead to the future. I am also one of four children. I have 3 older brothers and as the only girl I was always the outsider. My bros are also all close in age whereas I am 4 years younger than the youngest (7 years younger than the oldest). Being a bit younger and a different gender always made me the outsider, though as we got older the age difference didn't seem so big. My oldest brother had an adverse reaction to an antibiotic which destroyed his liver. As his health has deteriorated his siblings have really rallied around him. Having so many siblings has really helped as the financial burden of caring for someone who can no longer work (and doesn't receive enough benefits to even cover rent) is shared. Taking him to appointments falls to the siblings who live closest and there is always someone to help when necessary. If there were less of us it would definitely be more of a strain. Also, this would all be too much for my parents who have health concerns of their own. My dad is also in poor health. It is nice to know that there are four of us to pull together when my mom is left on her own one day (she is 11 years younger than my dad and he is in poor health currently).

I just feel that more is better! I love my family of four kids. I would totally have more if dh was on board as the ones I have fill my life with so much joy that it is hard to imagine NOT having another one to add to the love and chaos of our lives. And once you get used to the mess and noise (and did I mention the laundry?) it hardly matters if there is just a little more!


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## AquariusHome

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
Yeah- it's so much more complex than just one set formula isn't it? In my case the middle is a boy, flanked on either side by girls, and the fact that he gets so much attention for typical boy stuff (good coordination etc) leads me to believe he won't have so many "middle" issues. I wonder, though, if my last had been a boy, would he have needed to seek identity through attn. seeking behavior instead of just gender.

So what are your kids genders?

#1 is DS - almost 7, #2 is DS, almost 5, and #3 is DD, almost 2. So it's the same as my family as a kid except I was another year younger than my older brother. Otherwise exactly the same.

I have to say those of you who have 4 have convinced me I want to add another. You are all expressing just what I was hoping a 4th would add. Now I just have to get DH on board.







He gets a little overwhelmed by the chaos of 3. And he worries about finances (like how do you send 4 kids to college. I don't have answers to those issues).


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## etoilech

We're at three kids and I am hoping to have a fourth. Some days more than others.









Mine are 6 (boy), 3 (girl) and 9 months (boy). I love my kids and I really don't feel done yet, but I am a bit leery of being a four kid family. Why can't they make a normal sized car for 6 people? This is a big problem. Not so much now b/c we live in Switzerland and can (and DO) use public transport, but we're planning a move to rural Nova Scotia (Canada). A reliable and spacious car will be more of an issue there.

Also our house (in Canada and here) only has 3 bedrooms. My eldest two are bunking (always have) and the baby is with us in our room till probably two-ish. Then we'll probably bunk the youngest two and give the eldest his own room (for the moment). If we have a forth the babe will stay with us till towo-ish, then we'll have to weigh our housing options. lol Ahhh logistics. The other only potential downside of four.









Any way. I am looking at a 2.5-3 year difference. It work okay so far. Close enough to enjoy some of the same things, but far enough apart so I don't lose my marbles.









This thread makes me hopeful that life won't be too crazy with four... keep writing.


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## Mommy2Twincesses

I see this thread is old. I found it by googling your same exact question. I'm wondering what you decided. 

I never only had 1. My "first" was a set of identical twin girls with a pregnancy from hell, months and months laying flat in a hospital bed. They were over 2 months early. Well I was breastfeeding and we had sex literally ONE time and I got pregnant with my little boy. I had 5 month old twins!! Fast forward to now, my girls just turned 2 and my son just turned 1. They are "Irish triplets." I have 3 stepchildren also. Still, I can't shake the feeling that I'm not done. I don't feel complete. I'm not sure what to do. My life is INSANE and I don't really want it to get easy and then do it all over again. In many ways, I think, I already have a van, the house is already baby-proofed, we have everything, on the other I think, I haven't slept through the night in years, I have tough pregnancies, I have both genders... My husband is older than I so I also feel the pressure of timing from that angle. I was thinking it might be ok to have one more when my son is 2.5-3.5 & my girls are 3.5-4.5... But even then, who knows if I'll ever feel "done"... Is it harder? Could it be harder than what I've already been through?? We need a bigger house anyway!! What about sports teams etc, will I be robbing my current children of attention (which they've all kind of been used to since day 1... Makes me sad in some ways but I really do love having a big family and I just think I'd love another soon but am really on the fence).


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## mum06

Know what's funny? I replied to this when I had only four kids, and now I have seven!!! It was fun reading what I wrote all those years ago. I still have no idea if I'm done. Now that my kids are 12, 10, 8, 6, 4, almost 2, and 6 months old, my life is SO MUCH MORE fulfilling than it was even then.

I haven't slept through the night for 12 years.

My husband is 11 years older than I am; he turned 48 yesterday.

I want to address your attention and sports team questions though... 

I have had times where I feel guilty about not being the one to give the attention that is needed...but at the same time, when I see a sibling give that attention, it warms my heart. Because know what? I won't be here forever for them. I'll die someday. And they will need to depend on each other for love and support. And what better way to build that foundation? I love seeing my older kids read to my youngers. I love seeing them scoop each other off the ground when they fall. I love seeing how tender my 12yo son can be toward his baby sisters. If I would have stopped when I first wrote the previous posts, there would be no baby sisters for my 12yo to have a tender moment with. Only two sisters to throw mud balls at (which is what they did today).

When I had only four kids, I still signed my older two up for every sport. Because that is what good parents do, right? I wasn't going to be that bad mom that let her family size dictate her kids' schedule. But my kids really aren't sports fans. Dragging them to baseball practice on a sunny afternoon when they would rather play outside sucked. So I quit doing sports. Now, if they really wanted to do something, we would move mountains and make that happen. Right now we take family classes at the YMCA and the boys do scouts and the girls take dance. The kids are busy four nights a week. But really, it isn't that bad!

I think the hardest thing about having a large family is how other people treat us. They have no problem openly commenting about birth control or acting like we are doing something wrong by having so many kids. My kids like having lots of siblings. They don't like feeling like they are somehow "wrong" by being alive. And the way people question us in public makes them feel like there is something wrong with our family.


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## LiLStar

I'm in love with this thread. I love hearing about adding a 4th being awesome! I've heard a bit the last couple years that 3 is the most stressful number of kids to have and that 4 is less stressful. Every time I hear anecdotes confirming that, I'm thrilled!


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## Guest

*This is so helpful!!*

I love this thread too!!! I'm single and in college so I don't have any personal 3 kids vs. 4 kids stories to offer, but I think about my future family a lot so it's encouraging, reading how none of you regret your family sizes, "found" your family size along the way, and things worked themselves out naturally. I was really set on having 3, but after knowing a lot of middle children and reading about how 3 is the most stressful, I've been leaning towards 4. I mean I can't say for sure until it happens years from now haha, but thanks for all of the insight


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