# Sneaky little teen



## curious_04 (Sep 14, 2005)

Hi I'm a newbie here!
I was wondering what you all do with nosey little teens. I keep my bedroom door locked because we keep all the household medication in the bathroom off of my bedroom. Yesterday my daughter decided to break in to my ked: bedroom







: and of course succeeded. Now I'm worried about her doing it again. Any suggestions?


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

How is locking everything up teaching her responsibility?

-Angela


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## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

Do you really thing she'd get into medication? I mean, I can see a little kid who doesn't know better doing that, but a teen? I was a sneaky little rebellious teen myself, but I never would've considered getting into any medication.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Why do you think the medicine needs to be locked up from a teen is my first question? Has she had a drug problem or something? Are you locking it because of just her or are there younger children that concern you?

If having the door locked is important to you I would have an honest and open conversation about just that...why it's important to you, and respect. If she locked her door or her diary or something else would she want you to respect that boundary or would breaking in be acceptable? Did you ask her what she needed/why she was breaking in?

In my opinion, the place to start is conversation. Good luck


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Well, maybe I am not an expert since my teen is not "little" and not "nosey".

But if for some reason I would not want him to get to the medicine cabinet, I would talk to him about that reason.

I guess I am not fully understanding your predicament...


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## anj119 (Sep 19, 2002)

i think i might understand the predicament but i don't think you'll like my advice,

the predicament is that you have some 'items' that you 1) don't want to be found by anyone or 2) don't want to be found by her, if im wrong on this just tell me. My advice to you is to rethink the importance of having those things in your life, if you decide you absolutely cannot live without whatever it is you rather she not find, youre gonna have to get real creative about hiding places. I'll tell you this, whatever you do, do not let your protectiveness about your privacy come in between you and your daughter -it will be something you will hugely regret, i promise. its not fair to her to be treated as if she is not welcomed in your room or in your life. there is a difference in my opinion between teaching her about everyones need for privacy and leading her by your own good example and straight locking her out of your life or your heart. if you got something to hide, thats on _you_ thats _not_ on her, and its not fair for you to treat her as if it was.

like i said, if i'm wrong on this just tell me .... but if im not, please think about what i said. or just think about the possibility of opening yourself to your daughter again... she needs you more now than she can tell you.







mabey you know that already,

-anj119


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

oops


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## curious_04 (Sep 14, 2005)

Geez,

I feel liked I've been attacked. Yes, I do have reasons I don't want my daughter in a medicine cabinet. She is bipolar and has some med's she takes that could be very dangerous if abused. Obviously, I have come to the wrong place for advice.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I think that part of the "problem" is the way you're approaching this: I would never consider my child to be a "sneaky little" anything! I trust my children not to abuse medications- not that they take any at the moment, but I don't have any fear of them intentionally overdosing or anything like that.

If this is truly something that needs to be kept out of her reach, for her own safety, then consider putting the meds in a cabinet with a combination lock.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *curious_04*
Geez,

I feel liked I've been attacked. Yes, I do have reasons I don't want my daughter in a medicine cabinet. She is bipolar and has some med's she takes that could be very dangerous if abused. Obviously, I have come to the wrong place for advice.

I guess if the post was "Bipolar teen - need help" - that would have triggered different replies than "sneaky little teen" and "nosey little teen". Nothing in your OP indicated the condition of your daughter, nor the reasons for you wanting to keep the medicine cabinet locked.

In this situation I personally would get a separate container for the dangerous mediation and install a combination lock on it.

You said she is bipolar - does she understand the danger of the above mentioned medicine? Why does she want to get it?


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## cottonwood (Nov 20, 2001)

I think that if you had put it in those terms to begin with, people would have been more sympathetic (but probably would have offered the same advice.) Referring to a child in derogatory and antagonistic ways (sneaky little teen, nosey little teen) is really not in keeping with the respectful AP parenting philosophy that these boards (and Mothering mag) are based on.


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## AladdinsLamp (Sep 12, 2005)

Bipolar teenager with meds would be a particularly difficult issue. I would probably keep those meds locked up too. But just the meds, not the room or the bathroom.

If my mom had locked me out of her room and bathroom I would have felt very hurt. I would not say that the meds are locked up to keep her out of them, but for younger kids, strangers, etc.

I would have probably tried to break in to the room too...

I'm sorry you felt attacked. A diagnosed bp teen with powerful meds is much different situation.


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## Satori (Jan 30, 2003)

Here's an idea, buy a locking meds cabinet, I know all foster parents are required to have one. That way the meds are locked up but she's not locked out of you room which brings serious trust issues in itself. Also, I do believe your NOT supposed to store meds in the bathroom due to high temps and humidity.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Curious,
I second (or third) the suggestion of a locking meds box.
I also wanted to voice my support for you in this diffiuclt time. You did not deserve the reception you got.
If you feel your teen is being sneaky, you have the right to voice that feeling and not be attacked. After all, you are commisserating with other mamas who may very well have felt the same way on occasion.
It is nobodys business why you need your medicatoins locked. It is not a bad idea altogether.
Joline


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## KateMary (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
Curious,
I second (or third) the suggestion of a locking meds box.
I also wanted to voice my support for you in this diffiuclt time. You did not deserve the reception you got.
If you feel your teen is being sneaky, you have the right to voice that feeling and not be attacked. After all, you are commisserating with other mamas who may very well have felt the same way on occasion.
It is nobodys business why you need your medicatoins locked. It is not a bad idea altogether.
Joline

I agree. I assumed that there was an underlying reason that the OP locked the medication and it didn't matter to me why. I can understand the trust and open door policy thing but it just doesn't work for some special needs teens. When our niece lived with us, we kept her meds in a safe. I have never seen a locking medicine cabinet so it might be easier to find a small combo lock safe.


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## Satori (Jan 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KateMary*
I agree. I assumed that there was an underlying reason that the OP locked the medication and it didn't matter to me why. I can understand the trust and open door policy thing but it just doesn't work for some special needs teens. When our niece lived with us, we kept her meds in a safe. I have never seen a locking medicine cabinet so it might be easier to find a small combo lock safe.

There very easy to find, I found a ton just by going to google http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...dicine+cabinet


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
If you feel your teen is being sneaky, you have the right to voice that feeling and not be attacked.

Yes, everybody has a right to voice their feelings. Just like everybody has a right to feel differently about the way it was voiced.

I would not want my husband posting "this sneaky wife of mine" - that would feel derogatory to me, but of course he has a right to do it.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

If I am venting to friends about my child or my husband, (and the same if a friend was venting to me) I would hope that they would listen rather than judge my anger.
When my dh is behaving like a scruffy lookign nerfherder (insert choice derogatory name here) I will say dh is being a scruffy looking nerfherder today. Do you really say to your friends "it is really inappropriate and unfair to your dh to call him a scruffylooking nerfherder".
No , you listen and react to the core issue, and not critique the choice of words made out of frustration.
This does not mean I really hate my dh or we have a bad relationship or I think that being a scruffylooking nerfherder is really part of his core character.
I give the same consideratoin to friends I meet online who are talking about their frustrations.
joline


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## MrsRoss (Aug 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
No , you listen and react to the core issue, and not critique the choice of words made out of frustration.
This does not mean I really hate my dh or we have a bad relationship or I think that being a scruffylooking nerfherder is really part of his core character.

I second this. I love my dh, but there are sometimes that I just need to call him names when I'm venting about him.

I'm sorry that you got blasted, Curious. Being a parent to a teen can be really hard. I know because I was a very difficult teenager!

And, hey, who're you calling scruffy-looking?


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## kelly_belly (Sep 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *irinam*
Well, maybe I am not an expert since my teen is not "little" and not "nosey".

But if for some reason I would not want him to get to the medicine cabinet, I would talk to him about that reason.

I guess I am not fully understanding your predicament...


No, you judged curious before even trying to understand her predicament.
Curious, I know very little about bi-polar children, but what I do know is that you have your hands full. Maybe if more parents would admit their children aren't perfect and keep a closer watch on them, things like juvenile delinquency, drug use, and pregnancy wouldn't be such a shock to the parents when it happens. You always hear the parent say " I didn't see it coming." What teen isn't nosey and sneaky? They are just curious. Lady if you think your teen isn't sneaky or nosey, you better wake up.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kelly_belly*
What teen isn't nosey and sneaky? They are just curious. Lady if you think your teen isn't sneaky or nosey, you better wake up.

I think that's a serious oversimplification. When I was a teenager, I did drugs (pot & acid mostly), drank, smoked, had sex, and hung out with a very rough crowd - it freaks me to think of how many of them are now living on the streets, in jail or dead. But, I wasn't nosey or sneaky - if anything, I was too upfront, direct and brutally honest - it got me into trouble. Teens are just like everybody else, in that they come in all kinds of personalities.

I do agree, though, that it's necessary to look at our children and teens as real people, instead of deluding ourselves.


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## curious_04 (Sep 14, 2005)

First, I want to thank all whose support me.

Second, I don't think that calling my daughter a sneaky little teen is such a horrible thing. I thought I could ask a question and get others ideas and opinions on the subject without others assuming I have a bad relationship with my daughter.

My daughter and I have a great relationship, although at times it can be hard and it takes a little extra effort with her being bipolar. Also, I have many adult friends with teens who also have some issues that are a "little" hard to handle at times. They also say their teens can be sneaky at times.

I have talked to my daughter about the medication, we have discussed it several times. If I was not concerned about her feelings I would not feel the need to lock it away from her I would just leave it out in the open and "trust" she wouldn't be tempted with it. But, I do love her very much, and I do not want her to get hurt, so if I can do anything at all to help her to keep away from trouble I will. My daughter is sneaky, and she is nosey, and if I pretended she wasn't then we would have bigger issues than her being locked out of a bedroom.

Thank you to Joline especially because I believe you know exactly where I'm coming from.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kelly_belly*
No, you judged curious before even trying to understand her predicament.

I did not judge. I stated what I would do (that was "talk to him"). In my later post, I suggested a combination lock.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kelly_belly*
Lady if you think your teen isn't sneaky or nosey, you better wake up.

With all due respect, I think I know my teen better than you, hence I do not see a reason to "wake up".

Blah... derailing the thread.

Curious - were you able to figure something that might work for you? (asking honestly, no hostility







)


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## Wugmama (Feb 10, 2005)

My dd is only 3. But this morning she tried to tell my mom she had eaten breakfast at our house before getting to my mom's house so it was ok if she had candy she saw on the counter there. She hadn't had breakfast. When my mom told me, I laughed and called my dd a sneaky little thing. I really don't understand why anyone would jump on someone for the title of the post. You can't even tell the tone of things that are just in print (without the little smileys) and I never assumed she meant it in a derrogatory way. Anyone who breaks into a locked door they aren't supposed to enter seems a little bit sneaky and nosey to me!









Welcome to MDC Curious! Some threads are like this one, others are helpful, informative and sometimes even supportive!









~Tracy


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## DragonflyBlue (Oct 21, 2003)

Curious-

I may be able to help.

A bit of background on me: I have a daughter who had bipolar who took her own life a little over 2.5 years ago. I have a 16 year old newly diagnosed daughter with bipolar. I myself have bipolar. (isn't that enough to make you scream? LOL)

We keep meds, including my own in a tacklebox with a lock. Once a week, we sort meds and put them into the plastic daily med boxes. It also helps remind us to take our pills to have them that way.

Any non lethal meds are left out, such as teething tablets, etc. I also keep one or two doses out of other meds such as tylenol, immodium AD, etc.

This not only helps to ensure safety, but also gives Caite the ability to feel responsible for her daily meds. She doesn't feel like we don't trust her.

I do understand the concerns for medication safety. My late daughter tried to OD several times and Caite has tried twice.

Bipolar can be a very scary illness. Moods can swing so fast and so drastically that horrible things can happen before you are even aware that they have gone wrong.

I can also recommend a few excellent books on parenting children with bipolar as well as web sites that will not only offer information but support.

Parenting is difficult enough but factoring in a mental illness/disorder and it can become even more daunting.

Yes, often teens can be sneaky and nosey. Teens with BP can be even more so. But one thing that does help is venting. We have to monitor what we say to our kids, around our kids so having a way to let off steam can be vital to our own sanity.

Caite can be sneaky and nosey too. She has a very difficult time with boundaries, limits and curiousity. She has little problem with going through others things, but boy, don't you dare look in her room for anything. Even if it is yours. HAHA

Impulsiveness is big issue with bipolar. Especially if moods are not stable. Stability is key to making things run smoothly.

If you'd like to talk further or would like me to get those book titles and web resources to you, just let me know. I'll try and help/support in any way I can.

Janis


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kelly_belly*
What teen isn't nosey and sneaky? They are just curious. Lady if you think your teen isn't sneaky or nosey, you better wake up.

 My teen is neither sneaky or nosey.









Regarding the OP: If she said her teen was struggling with Bi-polar issues in the first post I missed it.







I suppose that could cause some problems. Best of luck in getting the advice you need.


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Wugmama*
Anyone who breaks into a locked door they aren't supposed to enter seems a little bit sneaky and nosey to me!









Welcome to MDC Curious! Some threads are like this one, others are helpful, informative and sometimes even supportive!







~Tracy

I agree with both points!

Again, welcome, Curious. I have a 15 year-old and she is AT TIMES both sneaky and nosy. She tries to get away with things which involve the act of sneaking. She has gone through my filing cabinet (among other things) for WHATEVER reason, and regardless, that is being nosy. I consider both things to be 100% NORMAL -- it was normal when I was a teen and did similar things -- and it is noraml in billions of people around the world.


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## pranamama (Nov 6, 2002)

I wonder where boundaries fit in here. If I have things I want to keep private than I would expect my wishes to be respected, I think breaking into a locked area is quite disrespectful. Since when do teenagers have the right to know everything about their mothers. I know I have been quite upset over my teen going through my purse and diary.

Sorry you are having trouble and hope you get some good advice


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *curious_04*
Geez,

I feel liked I've been attacked. Yes, I do have reasons I don't want my daughter in a medicine cabinet. She is bipolar and has some med's she takes that could be very dangerous if abused. Obviously, I have come to the wrong place for advice.

If you have a situation that is out of the ordinary you should give that information in your original post. No one here has magic eyes that can see in your house and say, "Oh wow! I bet her daughter is bi-polar!"

~Nay


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## ericswifey27 (Feb 12, 2005)

I think she may have felt attacked because she's getting responses that indicate she doesn't know what's best for her child-it really shouldn't be relevant whether her child is bipolar or not - If she feels the med cabinet needs to be locked or says her teen is being sneaky, then that must be the case- Mama knows best!

I personally don't see what is "non-AP" about calling your child sneaky- Don't many of us remember being sneaky as a child? I was considered a "good" kid and yet I remember being sneaky at times- lying about whether I did my homework, or saying I was going to be somewhere when I planned on going somewhere else. I am not saying all kids do this. But even kids that turn out to be productive adults ARE sneaky at times. You CAN love your child and recognize that he or she can be sneaky at the same time! Even my 1 1/2 year old can be mischeivous at times. Isn't AP all about knowing your child and helping her to do her best??


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

I know nothing about bipolar teens, but a lot about locked doors.

My parents had adopted kids and foster kids who had the habit of stealing money. They finally installed a lock on their bedroom door. It just gave the kids more of a challenge, but it didn't help with the behavior.

First, I would throw away everything I didn't absolutely HAVE to have on hand. No little stash for 'just in case'.

Then, I'd lock it securely in a lock box, or small safe. I'd get a combination lock so I wasn't always trying to keep the key away from her.

At some point your dd is going to have to assume responsibility for her own meds. I'd be thinking about making that transition.

When my son was on chemo, he had many pills to take each day. I got one of those pill sorters the elderly use, put each dose in there. Then he had only to be reminded to take his medicine. I didn't have to go over it with him each time, or worry that he might get confused. He knew to watch the clock, be sure to get them on time, etc. He learned responsiblilty for his own health.

In the past I have posted without enough facts for people to understand my issues. It's hard to write out enough so everyone understands. If you use words like sneaky and nosey, it sounds more like the locked up items are just personal items of yours that you don't want found, or dangerous meds that you're storing, as opposed to nec meds for your dd. It's hard for people to respond without enough info.


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## DragonflyBlue (Oct 21, 2003)

There is a huge difference between bipolar and chemo. HUGE difference. Not saying one is worse than the other, they are very different.

Bipolar brings with it a 20% risk of suicide. Often when that happens it is an impulsive act. As in thought occurs, and they are gone. No thinking it through, very little planning, just acting. Meds should be locked up until stability, long term stability has been achieved. Anything that has the potential for harm should be. Guns should never be in the house.

This mom is doing exactly the right thing in locking up meds.

BP teens stryggle with wanting to be normal. (whatever normal is) Taking "crazy pills" every day does not make them feel normal. Many will fight being med compliant. Careful management of medications is required.

Rapid cycling bipolar carries even greater risk. The person can be high/manic one day and suicidal the next.

Suicide can happen in the blink of an eye. Before you know anything is wrong, your child/loved one can be dead.

Please never underestimate the lethality of this or any other mental illness. If parents are locking up medications, be assured they have a damn good reason for doing so. We know our kids, we know what the docotrs have told us.

As for not mentioning the BP in the first post, no biggie. People should have reacted to the plea for help instead of getting bothered by words. Many teens ARE sneaky. Just because yours might not be, doesn't mean there aren't others who are.

Janis


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

JanisB, I feel you misunderstood me. I am not comparing chemo and bipolar disease. I am well aware of the differences. My sons cancer threatened his life immediately, and his health long-term. I was only attempting to point out that my child had needed a lot of medication, and that I could relate to trying to get a kid to take what they needed, when they need it. I was sharing MY experience, pointing out how I handled it. I was not suggesting that she treat her child the same, unless it would be safe.

ANd I started my post with the fact that I was responding to the idea of keeping a room of your house locked. It creates distrust and offers the child a challenge.

At some point, this child will HAVE to be able to medicate herself. HOwever, her parents have the responsibility of figuring out WHEN their child is competent. It's important to get the kid on board with the meds, not to alienate them. And to give them a feeling of being trusted, while still keeping them safe.

The OP said her 'little' teen was sneaky and nosy, and asked for suggestions keeping her out of her locked bedroom. I and many others, suggested locking the meds in a safe or lock box. And saying, "My child did a sneaky thing" is different than saying my teen is sneaky. It implies that the childs personality is set, that they will always be sneaky. THe OP asked what WE do with nosey little teens.

KNowing she was trying to protect her dd from her own meds made it easier to give advice.

If you ask for help, and folks don't have all the facts, they give advice based on the info they have.


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## supernatural (Jul 26, 2005)

Welcome Curious

I think the best way to handle this depends on the reasons for breaking into your room. When I was a preteen/teenager, I frequently went through my mom's stuff, drawers, cabinets, whatever. I can't even tell you why I did it, I wasn't looking for anything specific. I think teenagers are just curious what kind of things their parents have in there. Its like finding clues to the kind of person your parent is. After I was grown and having children of my own, my mom told me things about her life that I never knew, so obviously she was able to hide the most embarassing/private issues from my sneaky snooping.

I agree with the posters suggesting a locked safe or other form of unpickable locking box for the dangerous meds. However, to discourage attempts at break-ins solely out of curiosity, I would open the safe and distribute meds right in front of her, even shuffling around whatever else is in there, so she's aware of everything in the box and why you lock it up. (If suicide is really an issue, you might consider locking other dangers - razors, etc. - in a safe as well.) I also agree with keeping the bedroom open if only the meds are an issue. And don't make a big deal out of curious snooping as long as you know she's safe.

I don't know much about bipolar disorder, so I can't make any suggestions based on the mentality associated with it. But I know that the feeling of being trusted is very important to any teenager. I think it would help your dd to know that you take precautions not out of mistrust for her, but out of the risks of her condition. Let her know that everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions. Point out some of your own. Give examples of families in different situations and the precautions they must take. (Parents of children in wheelchairs put guards on stairways, not because they think their kid is too dumb to avoid the stairs, but because accidents DO happen.)

Good luck to you, I hope you find a solution that works well for your family.


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## curious_04 (Sep 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AntoninBeGonin*
If you have a situation that is out of the ordinary you should give that information in your original post. No one here has magic eyes that can see in your house and say, "Oh wow! I bet her daughter is bi-polar!"

~Nay


I'm sorry you don't have magic eyes, and I don't believe I should have to post all the personal details about my daughter. I was asking a general question with enough information for anyone with a "sneaky, nosey little teen" to answer.


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## Missy (Oct 22, 2002)

Curious--I'm not trying to attack you, just trying to explain. Mothering and MDC lean pretty heavily on the respect thing; IOW, most mamas on here make a very strong effort to listen to our children and to meet their needs respectfully--and, somehow, describing your child as a sneaky, nosy little teen in your very first post to the board just doesn't grab a lot of folks the right way. If you had given us a little more insight into your specific situation, perhaps the response would have been gentler. Please notice, too, that _most_ of the responses that support your initial words are from relatively (or very) new members who are probably feeling their way around the boards, too. This is a wonderful site, but one of the things that I love the most about it is the overwhelming belief that our children deserve the same respect we do. If your first post refers to your own child as a sneaky little teen with no additional insight, how do you expect a group of AP mamas to respond?


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *curious_04*
I'm sorry you don't have magic eyes, and I don't believe I should have to post all the personal details about my daughter. I was asking a general question with enough information for anyone with a "sneaky, nosey little teen" to answer.









I should apologize for my words. I was responding to a post you wrote earlier in the thread: When you said that "Geez, I feel liked I've been attacked. Yes, I do have reasons I don't want my daughter in a medicine cabinet. She is bipolar and has some med's she takes that could be very dangerous if abused. *Obviously, I have come to the wrong place for advice."* That last line made me feel angry. Everyone on here loves kids and cares about people and communities and that made me feel attacked. How was I supposed to know that your teen has mental problems without you even giving an indication to that? By saying "sneaky" you really made it sound like she is simply defying you "just because." I don't know much about bi-polar disorder, but I do know enough that it's a serious condition that needs to be carefully monitored. Again I apologize, but I think we should all give all relative information in our original posts before requesting advice from strangers.









~Nay


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## ericswifey27 (Feb 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Missy*
Please notice, too, that _most_ of the responses that support your initial words are from relatively (or very) new members who are probably feeling their way around the boards, too.

True, but as a "new" member I want to add that it is a bit dangerous (and counterproductive) to assume how AP a mama may or may not be, or how valuable her opinion may be, based on the number of posts she has. Not to mention unwelcoming to anyone who is in fact trying to learn more about AP.


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## Missy (Oct 22, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ericswifey27*
True, but as a "new" member I want to add that it is a bit dangerous (and counterproductive) to assume how AP a mama may or may not be, or how valuable her opinion may be, based on the number of posts she has. Not to mention unwelcoming to anyone who is in fact trying to learn more about AP.

That would be why I said _most_ and described the newbies as "feeling their way around"...The OP jumped straight into the board, and then couldn't understand why she was "attacked". And one of her most aggressive supporters posted her first post in this thread...Anytime you're new to a community, it's best to get a feel for the place before you post something waaay off track. Most AP moms, even moms to teens, wouldn't use that wording. Or would, at the very least, offer a little more info. My post was not harsh and it has been suggested time and time again that newcomers who are learning would do well to read through the boards a little to gain a stronger understanding of AP.


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## curious_04 (Sep 14, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Missy*
That would be why I said _most_ and described the newbies as "feeling their way around"...The OP jumped straight into the board, and then couldn't understand why she was "attacked". And one of her most aggressive supporters posted her first post in this thread...Anytime you're new to a community, it's best to get a feel for the place before you post something waaay off track. Most AP moms, even moms to teens, wouldn't use that wording. Or would, at the very least, offer a little more info. My post was not harsh and it has been suggested time and time again that newcomers who are learning would do well to read through the boards a little to gain a stronger understanding of AP.


How do you know I just jumped "straight into this board? Have you been lurking over my shoulder? Just because it was my first post doesn't mean I hadn't read through messages on this board before posting. I did not intend to offend anyone and I still feel I was attacked, some of the replies I received were just mean. In my opinion, and it is only my opinion, I feel that if my referring to my daughter as a "sneaky little teen" is bothersome to people reading the post then those people should not have even bothered to offer their opinion on the subject. Hence, if a reader understood, as many did, the idea of their teens perhaps being "sneaky" then I truly value their opinion and advice. I don't wish to have anyone judge my parenting skills I was just looking for ideas.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Can we please stop the attacks or this thread will be closed.


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## Missy (Oct 22, 2002)

I apologize; I wasn't trying to attack anyone, simply to explain why use of certain language might have kept people from responding in the manner the OP was looking for. Usually people who have been on the board longer are comfortable offering a little more insight into a situation that they're asking help with.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

I wondering the same thing, I would hope that my son would respect my wishes and stay out of our room when we are gone, (when he's a teen) but what if he does go in our room and finds a drawer full of marital aids? I once knew someone that would take his friends in his parents room to show them his parents sex toys :LOL I would die if that happened to me.


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

Ok: I get why the OP needs to keep medication locked.

But here's something *I* don't get.

Why is a teen allowed privacy, but a parent isn't allowed that? Seriously.

If my child doesn't respect my wishes for privacy by entering my room without permission,, then you betcha I'm installing a lock on my door.

I wouldn't enter their rooms without permission and I expect the same. If I can't get that same respect, then my door will get LOCKED. If my kids have a right to privacy I bloody well do too.

And I believe a teenager can grasp the reasoning behind that

In a house, where everyone lives together, their bedroom is the only place they can have as any form of private space. Wanting PRIVACY is totally different than hiding stuff.

Some kids need a little bit of help in regards to learning about other peoples privacy. Especially ones who are challanged with mental illness such as bi-polar.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Curious4,
A few months ago I was having issues with my teen and I also used some less than flattering language and had very much the same reception.
I just wanted to stand next to you and say "i know what you mean" both when using less than flattering language to describe the issues we have with our kids, and feeling attacked for it.
Is it really disrespectful to call a sneaky teen sneaky? If it's true?
How about a tall teen or blond teen or athletic teen or smart teen or challenged teen. It is a description. It was accurate from what you felt and described.
I also wanted to state that while I Have not been posting for years, I am a long time reader and have been posting for months at the very least. I find it somehow disingenius to draw a line between old timers and newer members as if those of us who havent been here as long somehow dont deserve the AP label the same as those who have.
How can we share and ask each other for help if we cannot be emotionally honest in our posts?
How can we know how many and what kind of details each reader will need so they can be helpful rather than judgmental?
I just wanted to say that there are people here who post quite often who also feel that posts can and should be taken at face value and that parents who post ought to be trusted to know their children best.
I think it does not matter one iota if your dd is bipolar, you need not have shared. Because the gist of the situation is that your dd is coming into a locked room that you have locked to keep her out of medication.
There could be a million valid reasons to keep her out of it.
It doesnt matter why you have chosen that boundary when you are asking not "if" you should have the boundary, but "how" to enforce it.
This is a GREAT board for getting different viewpoints. You have not come to the wrong place. THere is room enough here for us all.
Joline


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

I'm a total believer in self fulfilling prophecies. If the teen wasn't sneaky, calling them will cause them to be. If they are sneaky, callingthem sneaky is not going to encourage them to change. Like being pegged as the bad kid puts a child in a role. Also, why choose to accentuate the negative. Maybe she is a sneaky, little teen. Maybe she is also a smart teen, caring teen, etc.


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## Katwoman (Apr 15, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114*
But here's something *I* don't get.

Why is a teen allowed privacy, but a parent isn't allowed that? Seriously.

I wouldn't enter their rooms without permission and I expect the same. If my kids have a right to privacy I bloody well do too.

And I believe a teenager can grasp the reasoning behind that


I'm sorry that your request for help was derailed by the language that request was written in.









Amen! Pandora! I was thinking the same thing. Who wouldn't be appalled at a parent going through their teenager's drawers/diary/purse? Why is it okay for a teenager to go through your things, but not for you to go through theirs? I realize that teenagers still have some things to learn. But quite frankly, if you've explained things to them on more than one occassion, they should be able to understand the concept. If they can't understand the concept - because they don't want to or have an issue that prevents them - then it's time for alternatives. While I don't have any alternatives, Curious, I don't think you were wrong in looking for them. Sorry it go so ugly.


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## RubyWild (Apr 7, 2004)

If my mom had locked me out of anything, I would have definitely felt the need to break in there somehow. I mean, I was the type of kid who snooped around looking for Christmas presents and ruined my surprises, but my mom never knew that. If I'd thought my parents had interesting drugs around, I would have felt compelled to get to them.

If I had a child who was looking for medications to abuse, I'd hide them somewhere she'd never think to look, maybe even at a friend's house.


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## calicokatt (Mar 14, 2005)

I frequently broke into my parents room.... BECAUSE it was locked, and booby trapped. It makes no sense to me now, because all I did was lay on their bed and watch tv. I could have watched tv in the living room, but somehow, sneaking into their room was more fun, especially if I didn't get caught. *I* WAS sneaky, but my parents made me more so by locking the door. I think that a safe, with a combination, and possibly ALSO a key, would be the best option for you. I agree that parents deserve privacy just as much as teens, but I go into my daughters' rooms all the time when they're not in there. I put away their clothes, borrow things (crafting supplies and such) sometimes change their bedding for them, etc. They also have legitimate reason to be in my room at times. As far as my privacy goes, the door is open, but things that I want to be sure no one sees, reads, takes, etc. are locked up...


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

well this morning I noticed that my dresser door was open and some of my clothes were moved around and my jewelry box was open and a very (sentimental)valuable item of mine was sitting out..so one of the kids was sneaking around my room.

So they were a sneaky little teen too :LOL I will be talking to them(once again) about respecting my things and asking for what they want. My youngest is asleep and I can't check to see if anything is missing.

I don't know if all teens are sneaky but mine are...they aren't good at it because they are messy and leave evidence.

This irritates me...these are my things in my room. I don't take their things out of their room. I have had this conversation with them dozens of times. I have gotten upset because things of mine have been lost/ruined. Both of them do it...but I think this time it was my 15 year old.

The natural consequences for this is that I end up not having a pair of earings or MY clothes get wrecked...

What are the natural consequences that affects them? They get to wear my clothes and my earrings.

I have nothing they shouldn't see in my room..it's just my room.

They are regular girls...there is no excuse...if they did it to a stranger they would be arrested.

They are "sneaky little teens"...and I can't get them to stop. Sorry but the phrase fits here.

But I want them to...I have things I value(mainly sentimental) that I don't want them touching...I should not have to lock them away from a 15 year old.

When she was 10 she wouldn't have done it. It's very frustrating.

I thought my girls were the only ones who did this kind of thing. I would never have gone in my mother's room...she would have killed me...well not that bad but I was afraid to for sure.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

It is totally normal for teens to snoop. It's part of the developmental phase. They are just discovering (believe it or not) that their parents are totally separate people from them, with private things and thoughts. They are trying to figure out their identity as an individual apart from their parents--and part of that process is figuring out who your parents are.

I can understand why the Mom in the OP would want to lock up dangerous medication. It sounds like she's dealing with a terribly difficult situation. Otherwise, snooping by teens is normal and should be expected.


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

normal, but NOT acceptible.

PERIOD

Sorry, when I get to that stage, my DD is gonna want all the privacy in the world while she invades mine? Aint gonna happen. I'm locking my door, and if she continues, I'm gonna take away HER Privacy to show her that it really sucks to not have any.

That's if she doesn't listen to the talks. If talking fails I"m gonna take action. My privacy is my privacy. I'll give her hers, as long as she allows me to keep mine. Plain and simple.


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## sunnysideup (Jan 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114*
normal, but NOT acceptible.

PERIOD

Sorry, when I get to that stage, my DD is gonna want all the privacy in the world while she invades mine? Aint gonna happen. I'm locking my door, and if she continues, I'm gonna take away HER Privacy to show her that it really sucks to not have any.

That's if she doesn't listen to the talks. If talking fails I"m gonna take action. My privacy is my privacy. I'll give her hers, as long as she allows me to keep mine. Plain and simple.

Why won't my baby sleep through the night? Why am I not allowed an uninterrupted nights sleep? Because I am the parent of a child that is not developmentally ready for that. Sometimes a parent must tough it through a phase their child is going through. Usually the child makes it through happier and healthier if the parent is patient and understanding.


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## Pandora114 (Apr 21, 2005)

Heh Teen vs baby totaly different.
Teens have this thing called COMPREHENSION.
I'm sorry, My room my space, Their room their space,

Treat those how you want to be treated, it's OUR Responsibility as parents to teach our children. And the teen years are the most important years TO teach that lesson, especially IRT privacy.


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

I so many cultures a 15 year old is an adult.

WE all continue developing and maturing throughout our lifetimes.
Just because certain behaviors come naturally at a certain stage, at what point are we truly expected to be responsible for our own decisions?
It may be natural for a 15 year old to snoop. However that doesnt mean it ought to be tolerated.

It is also natural for younger adults to go through phases of driving recklessly (higher insurance premiums anyone) because they feel immortal. But we dont clear the roads of other drivers to keep them safe. We tell them we expect them to be responsible for their actions and to control their impulses.

It is also about boundaries. OUr children dont treat their friends or their friends parents like this. (most dont) they respect the belongings of others unless or until it is mom or a sister. It is like we dont really count because we are related. I think it is important to teach our children that we DO count and I am fully human and deserving of respect as much as anybody else.


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *johub*
Curious4,
This is a GREAT board for getting different viewpoints. You have not come to the wrong place. THere is room enough here for us all.
Joline

Joline,

I snipped most of your post, but wanted to say that I agree with everything you said and thank you for doing so. We come in all shades and the art of parenting has been perfected by nobody.


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Katwoman*
Amen! Pandora! I was thinking the same thing. Who wouldn't be appalled at a parent going through their teenager's drawers/diary/purse?

This thread has me thinking and I have a question regarding privacy for whomever is so inclined to answer. Is there any situation in which you would consider it appropriate to cross the privacy boundary?

Hypothetical situation. Best friend of teen (whom you trust) pulls you aside to say "I'm worried about ______ [your daughter]. She brought some pills to school today and said she was going to sell them." You ask your daughter about it and she says "I don't know what you're talking about, I don't have any pills." She goes to bed and leaves her backpack on the couch.

In this hypothetical situation, applying it to you and your teen, what do you do from here?


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## DragonflyBlue (Oct 21, 2003)

Honestly?

When it comes to safety and well being, all bets for privacy are off.

I've snooped when I needed to.

I've talked to other parents when I needed to.

Yes, my kids have been pissed off over it at first, but in the end, they understand and believe they would do the same thing too as a parent should they have concerns.

This lesson hit home even harder after our daughter died. There were kids who knew of Marrissa's plans to end her life on Friday. She told a couple of her friends. They said nothing. Monday, Marrissa was gone. These kids now have a horrible burden to live with.

My kids know now how important it is to tell an adult about risky, dangerous, lethal behavior.

One of my daughter's just disclosed information about a best friend who is engaging in very risky behavior. Now I have to decide what to do with it. What a mess...

Janis


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

Because I have the added responsibility over my child's health and life, the privacy rule WILL be void if there is adequate reason to be concerned about somethign specific. (not just your average wishy washy concern that she might do something/anything unwise or hurtful, but "I think she might be using drugs")
My child is not responsible for me and so this is an exception that does not go both ways. We have discussed this and she understands this and accepts it as fair.
So I think that children have a "resonable" expectation of privacy, but not an "absolute" expectation of privacy.
I also let my daughter know when she does not have an expectation of privacy.
For example she knows I will not listen to her phone conversations but I will monitor her internet use (and read her e-mail if necessary). I dont really do it often, but she is aware so she doesnt do anything on line that she feels the desire to keep from me (which is basically the point.)
Joline


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

Come on, everyone, don't you remember being a teenager yourself? They are all sneaky and nosey to some degree, believe me. Good on 'em if you still believe they're not.







That means they're smart enough to take a peek and not get caught. My dh's parents had no clue he wasn't the golden good boy they thought. He got into *much* "worse" stuff than his sister, who got caught all the time. Both of them turned out fine, of course.

I don't see why the OP needed some excuse or explanation for why she wanted her kid out of her room, or that now we know it's about bipolar and medication it's somehow ok but not if it's about hiding sex toys and lingerie. I have private things and papers I don't want anyone to see or touch. Some are shared with dh, some are not. I deserve that privacy, I have a right to it, and woe betide anyone who messes with my things. I would have no qualms about locking my bedroom if the time comes that my daughter starts poking about in there. I looked at everything in my parents' room, in every drawer, at every photo- and they didn't have anything scandalizing or sexy *at all.* I was a curious, nosey preteen and enjoyed poking about in there whenever they were out, until I'd seen all there was to see. I was one of those who didn't get caught, though.

I think I would not read my daughter's diary no matter what trouble I suspected. If I really had to in such a situation, I would search her room and backpack and even read letters before I looked at her thoughts that weren't meant for anyone ever to see. I think I could probably discover evidence for whatever I suspected without reading a diary. There's something about that which is too far, for me.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

Sorry I was not sneaky or nosey and neither were most of my friends.


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## Curious Me (Feb 9, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *the_lissa*
Sorry I was not sneaky or nosey and neither were most of my friends.

You were not in the majority, I assure you.

Your friends -- they weren't nosy or sneaky to the best of *your* knowledge.


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## the_lissa (Oct 30, 2004)

If that is what you want to believe, that is fine. I completely disagree. I also know my friends better than you might think. I find that attitude sad. I wonder what reaction I would get if I said seniors are really sneaky or cheap or dirty or mid-lifers or any other group. Ageism sucks.


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

I never snooped in my parents stuff, either! It just never crossed my mind.

I read my DD's diary once. She had gone to spend the summer with her father, and left her diary on the bedroom floor, open to one entyr...(she's an adult now and doesn't mind me telling you) It said...Today I read my mothers journal.

ACK! I kept that hidden in the bottom of a sewing cabinet, under a bunch of stuff, right where I could keep an eye on it, I thought. I wrote things I never would have had her read! There were only two entries in her diary, teh other one was on Halloween and said "Trick or treat, smell my feet..." SO I was assuming it was left open for a reason.







:

Kids. My DS also went through my room often. But there was nothing interesting in there. My youngest three just couldn't care. They'll say, "Hey, Ma, can I go look through your jewelry box, or photos, or whatever"

Also, the UA says we can't call names. Cynthia once made me change a post wher I refered to a person on the news as a stupid person. I doubt callijng your 2 yo a 'little bratty toddler' would be tolerated well.

Why is this (sneaky little teen) different?


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## johub (Feb 19, 2005)

GOsh, you know I always figured that not calling names in the UA pertained to each other. (and that is pretty important on a message board where we debate so openly) But I can see how this rule could be applied no matter to whom we are referring.
I still think "sneaky" is a descriptoin and not a name. Whereas "bratty" is too vague. Sneaky pertains to a particular action, the action of sneaking. If one is sneaking, they are being sneaky. An objective description, and not a judgment or a name. Whereas "bratty" is just a name that means anythign the speaker wants it to mean. And so is a judgment on another behavior (which could be anything from violence, obstinance, whining, any number of a million actions that are judged to be bratty)

I really see no negative connotation to the word "sneaky" it is a method of doing things. Even a skill. A child who is particularly skilled at being sneaky may grow up to be a private detective, a journalist, a cia agent.


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Pandora114*
Ok: I get why the OP needs to keep medication locked.

But here's something *I* don't get.

Why is a teen allowed privacy, but a parent isn't allowed that? Seriously.

If my child doesn't respect my wishes for privacy by entering my room without permission,, then you betcha I'm installing a lock on my door.

I wouldn't enter their rooms without permission and I expect the same. If I can't get that same respect, then my door will get LOCKED. If my kids have a right to privacy I bloody well do too.

And I believe a teenager can grasp the reasoning behind that

In a house, where everyone lives together, their bedroom is the only place they can have as any form of private space. Wanting PRIVACY is totally different than hiding stuff.

Some kids need a little bit of help in regards to learning about other peoples privacy. Especially ones who are challanged with mental illness such as bi-polar.











I agree.

I was also a nosey little sneak - but it was not right.


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## LizD (Feb 22, 2002)

ITA with the concept of "privacy" being different from "hiding things;" adults are allowed to do both, of course.

And even Ned Flanders can call someone a "Sneaky Pete."


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