# birthday invitation money request



## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

hey mamas,

i need help wording dd's bday invitation request.

dd wants to buy a notebook. she doesnt really want anything else. she will be 8.

is there a way in which we can politely ask for money.

we are not doing printed invitations.

we are doing personal letters dd will be writing.

do you think it would be really rude to say something like 'this birthday i would really really like a notebook. i am tired of fighting mom over the computer. instead of presents, if you are able to i would really appreciate some contribution towards a notebook. (or is it netbook) please know i have no expectations. i would much rather you come to my birthday party than bring presents. but if you could i would appreciate a monetary contribution.)

is this too rude? between friends i see no problem dd writing this note.

but what about people we dont know very well like her classmates?!!!


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## Mama Mko (Jul 26, 2007)

I don't think it's ever polite to request money as a gift, sorry.


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## 4Blessings (Feb 27, 2008)

No polite way to ask for gifts or cash on an invite. If people call to RSVP and specifically ask you what she would like for a gift then you can mention that she's saving to buy a netbook at XYZ and would love a gift cert. to help out.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

yeah, I'm afraid there is absolutely no way to do this politely.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Despite the undoubted authenticity of the request, no, it's rude.


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## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

Definately rude.


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Another vote for no. It is definitely rude.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

ok. i thought so too. but wasnt sure how to do it.

we will let friends and family know. but not strangers.

now here is my other question.

how would you feel if someone made that request.

would you feel offended?

we actually had a mother send out such a request over facebook request. and i was so relieved that i didnt have to worry about bday presents for her sons.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

It's netbook







, and no, I don't think you should ask for money towards it.

Maybe, maybe you can mention to your own mom, if asked, that DD is saving money to buy a computer - but asking people who you invite for cash is tacky, handwritten letter or not.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
how would you feel if someone made that request.

would you feel offended?

we actually had a mother send out such a request over facebook request. and i was so relieved that i didnt have to worry about bday presents for her sons.

I wouldn't be offended, but I would be surprised by their lack of manners.


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## intrepidmother (Feb 21, 2009)

definitely tacky. definitely rude. I think it's because people don't *have* to give gifts for a birthday- they give because they want to. Asking for money makes giving seem obligatory.


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
I wouldn't be offended, but I would be surprised by their lack of manners.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 

how would you feel if someone made that request.

would you feel offended?


I wouldn't be offended, but I would just think that the poor kid obviously didn't have anyone at home to teach him/her manners and what a handicap it would be later in life.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I think if my really good friend or close family member let me know that their child was hoping to get money for a birthday to add towards her netbook fund, that would be ok. If it came in an invitation, I would think it was rude.


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## reezley (May 27, 2006)

I agree with the pp who said that if a guest asks for gift ideas, a contribution toward the computer could be among the ideas you give them.


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## lonegirl (Oct 31, 2008)

I wouldn't think it rude....just honest. The problem is that everyone is so worried about being rude....but when they get gifts they complain that it wasn't what they wanted rather than be grateful they received anything. I would think "what a relief! I know exactly what I can get!" I may then call and ask if a store had been chosen and would get a gift certificate or if they know exactly which one I would ask if a case or any accessories were needed.
Just me though!!


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

Unless someone asks for a gift idea don't offer it! Your instinct is correct that it's rude.

If someone sent me a gift request like that, I'd probably wonder if we were being invited in order to bring a gift, or if our company was truly appreciated. It would seem to me the party was a means to the end (the big ticket item)


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

I agree it's impolite to ask for money, but couldn't your DD return some of the gifts and use that money toward the netbook? Also telling anyone who asks what she wants is fine.


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## greenemami (Nov 1, 2007)

I think it is fine for family members and maybe close friends, although I wouldn't put it on the invitation. We often let gparents and aunts/uncles etc. know that we would prefer $$ for a special class or bigger item (sandbox, etc.) rather than another gift and they are always happy to help out rather than spending the money on something we don't really need.

I would never ask this of classmates though and like I said, definitely not on an invitation.


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## velochic (May 13, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *karemore* 
If someone sent me a gift request like that, I'd probably wonder if we were being invited in order to bring a gift, or if our company was truly appreciated. It would seem to me the party was a means to the end (the big ticket item)

I agree. And saying something to the effect that you don't expect anything, then following it with what is essentially, "but if you do bring something, bring money" (I can't remember exactly how you worded it) is extremely rude as it sounds like you have an ulterior motive. I don't think anyone would be *offended* because it's not anything personal, but I also think that there would be few or perhaps none who would attend after receiving an invite worded that way.


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## momasana (Aug 24, 2007)

I have to agree with other posters who have said it is rude to ask for money.

And what if my child could only afford to bring $5? Would they be labled by their peers as cheap and poor because the others brought $20 or $50?


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## TulsiLeaf (Nov 23, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momasana* 
I have to agree with other posters who have said it is rude to ask for money.

And what if my child could only afford to bring $5? Would they be labled by their peers as cheap and poor because the others brought $20 or $50?


exactly. And I wonder what 8 year old needs a netbook?


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## dawncayden (Jan 24, 2006)

You could say 'for a gift idea...she is saving up to buy a net book and if you want to get a gift card from xyz store, that would be awesome.'
I would put it in small letters on the bottom of the invitation, but we only invite close friends and family to birthday parties, so no one that would take offence, kwim?


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## flower01 (Aug 1, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
exactly. And I wonder what 8 year old needs a netbook?

To be fair, no one NEEDS a netbook. But, various family circumstances could make it really useful and a great item for an 8 year old to have. I personally think a net book is a better tool than a cell phone and I know lots of 8 year olds with those.

To answer OP, obviously you've gotten your answer. But, I do think that you as the mom could let your family members and close friends know what your daughter is saving for and they would appreciate knowing what to get your child. My family almost always gives cash for bday gifts anyway.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I definitely think most 8 yo's would love a netbook - I'm giving my 9 yo DD mine when I upgrade to a MacBook. And, yeah, she has a cell phone, too.







So, I think it's a good idea to want money or gift cards towards the cost of the computer, instead of ending up with pile of random gifts she might not enjoy or get as much use out of. However, I still don't think there is a polite way to mention that on the invites.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
exactly. And I wonder what 8 year old needs a netbook?

no 8 year olds need a netbook.

its their mothers who need the child to have a netbook...

so mom doesnt have to fight over computer time with said child.

though i might end up actually a cheapo or refurbished laptop.

aaargh my dd was on a computer from what 3 months old. and at three months that rascal could tell a real keyboard from a 'broken' adult keyboard that was not attached to anything.

i used to bring some work home to do online - editing and tracking and dd would love banging on my keyboard. both ex and i work on the computer so dd has seen us on it.

let me tell you these kids learn about the computer by osmosis. by 3 my dd had perfect control of the mouse and certain programs. at 3 never having gone to chat she intuitively knew where to find smilies on the chat screen adn put her mama to shame.

so yeah we dont have a tv but she has been computer literate since uhmmm birth. she knew the power button on the tower at 1.

she made the choice between getting a DSi and netbook. and chose netbook over DSi.

and yes she has a phone too. kids phones. its easier to connect because i dont need to talk to ex. i need to talk to dd.


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
how would you feel if someone made that request.

would you feel offended?

Yeah, I think I would be.

It says several things to the invitee. It tells them that you don't think that they are going to put a lot of thought and effort into finding something they feel is a great gift. It makes them wonder if it's their company you desire, or if you are just bumping up the guest list to get that thing you want faster. It means that they are forced to give out cash at that moment even if they had run across a great post-christmas clearance sale months ago where they stocked up on a years worth of b-day gifts and are now on a very very tight budget or are having cash flow issues. It robs the invited child of the opportunity to practice generosity by thinking about what their friend likes and picking something then wrapping it up and giving it.

I know that for you this was a convenience, but for many this really would put a burden on them. For example, Dh and I are have major cash flow issues ATM. We happen to have gotten a large gift certificate to a very fancy store as a bonus from Dh's employer. We have set it aside to use for gifts. Though we will try to buy things that are right for the recipients, we will have to get them gifts from that store. Passing along the GC wouldn't really be a god option for us either, first b/c it is large and we hoped to get a few presents out of it and second b/c the store in question doesn't sell laptops.


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## ancoda (Oct 17, 2005)

We are sort of having a similar problem of how to tell relatives that get my children presents for Christmas that the older 2 really only want money. They are both saving up for a semi big ticket item and really do not need more junk.

I do not think that there is a good/polite way to put something like that on an invitation. I think you just have to hope that enough people call up asking what sort of stuff she would want and at that point you can mention that she really wants a netbook and that money to help towards it would be the most appreciated item.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TulsiLeaf* 
exactly. And I wonder what 8 year old needs a netbook?

I had to get a laptop since my almost 4 y/o is hogging the computer with wanting to go on Starfall or watch a movie on Netflix, in our family the only sources of TV and such are the computer. I get the OP's request, but asking for money is lame IMO.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

I"m sorry, I also think it's rude-- even though I'm the worst gift reciever in the world, and nearly always give cash/gift cards.

I guess I would feel differently if it was a request for something that wasn't a luxury-- clothes or help with groceries. But this sounds as though you've picked a gift for your dd, (a dsi or a laptop), but what someone else to finance it.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *texmati* 
I guess I would feel differently if it was a request for something that wasn't a luxury-- clothes or help with groceries. But this sounds as though you've picked a gift for your dd, (a dsi or a laptop), but what someone else to finance it.

why is one need more important than another need?

should i even be having a bday party if i cant afford groceries.

but isnt presents the point of someone financing some toys for dd?

all these moms ARE going to bring a present. there is this unwritten law that you miss the party rather than show up without a gift for the child. esp. i notice as they get older - like an 8 year old. even though that's the main reason we DONT open presents. instead we make sure we send ty cards so that the child knows how much we appreciate their present. even the one who brings none we express how much fun it was to have them there.

year before last dd had a no gift party but almost all her school friends showed up with something.

so yeah instead of financing some junk that my dd wont play with i wish i could find some socially acceptable way of saying hey dont show up with anything. but if you do feel like contributing, show up with some money - whether it is 25 cents or $25. i know i would be so relieved if someone asked for money.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

FWIW, I think your DD is wise to choose a netbook over a DSi. My 9 yo wants to sell her DSi now, after having it for about a year. She just doesn't use it very much anymore and definitely prefers the computer over it.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Yes I would be offended if you mentioned anything about what kind of gift I should bring. There is never a polite way to do this because it is a very rude thing to do.

HOWEVER

Family members are fair game. By all means let grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and any other family members you KNOW will be getting her a gift know what Jr. wants for her birthday.

My suggestion though is to pick what you want and pick a single store and ask for gift cards to that store instead of cash.

also if you ask people to RSVP most will ask "Do you have any ideas for a gift" or "what sort of things does she like" when they call to RSVP and then it would be polite to tell them she would really like some help saving up for a computer of her own. Perhaps a gift card to XYZ to put towards her computer. I would never be offended by this sort of request (since I asked) and would be thrilled to help her reach her goal.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
why is one need more important than another need?


Seriously??


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilyka* 
Yes I would be offended if you mentioned anything about what kind of gift I should bring. There is never a polite way to do this because it is a very rude thing to do.

HOWEVER

Family members are fair game. By all means let grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and any other family members you KNOW will be getting her a gift know what Jr. wants for her birthday.

.

Sorry, family members don't deserve to be treated rudely any more than friends. I'd be quite offended if any of my nieces or nephews (or their parents) suggested this.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
why is one need more important than another need?
.

Because if one needs to ask for money to clothe or feed their child, then it's just that - a request for help.
As opposed to the the situation you describe, which is soliciting money for a gift. Which is not usually considered good manners.

I get what you are saying though. Isn't there some crafty way to get the word out without putting in an invitation?


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EFmom* 
Sorry, family members don't deserve to be treated rudely any more than friends. I'd be quite offended if any of my nieces or nephews (or their parents) suggested this.

I guess in my family it is a given that we offer ideas up (of course if they can come up with something better then they get that. whatever) The grandparents and aunts and uncles want to know what the kids are interested in. We have a more intimate relationship and the kids have probably already shared their big plans and goals anyway. So it would be no mystery to them how bad they wanted...say a computer or nice ice skates. I know not everyone has this sort of relationship but in both sides of our family this is how birthdays gift ideas have been handled. When I was a kid I asked my parents for stuff and now that I have kids I offer up suggestions to my parents for my kids. They love it. It is a big tradition for the other grandparents to get "the list from the kids" which alweays has the goofiest stuff on it. But if there is something the kids were saving up dor or something my parents and the other grandparents are pleased to know about it.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
why is one need more important than another need?

should i even be having a bday party if i cant afford groceries.

I guess, in my mind a netbook (for an eight year old) is not an necessity. I understand your frustration with getting things that are not wanted-- but I feel that the true meaning of giving/receiving a gift gets lost in all this.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
I get what you are saying though. Isn't there some crafty way to get the word out without putting in an invitation?


The only way is if you get called and asked for gift suggestions. And even then, if they don't want to take their suggestion, that's up to them.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

the problem here is that i dont have any family here. neither is ex's family really here either.

so it depends on my friends.

yeah i get netbook is not a necessity.

neither really is a bday party

or even gifts either.

you know that whole gift giving and true meaning of gift was really cool when dd was a baby. or even a toddler.

now that she is in school, its a whole different dynamics. the whole giving thing is out the window. its all about opening presents, seeing who got what for whom, what is the loot bag. and some even look for games and what prizes they have. oh my!!!!!


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Hoopin' Mama* 
I wouldn't be offended, but I would be surprised by their lack of manners.











I just got a invite (personal email) requesting money. I thought it was rude, but I'm not offended at all. It makes my life easier because I don't have to go shopping. But I was still a bit put off by it.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
I think if my really good friend or close family member let me know that their child was hoping to get money for a birthday to add towards her netbook fund, that would be ok. If it came in an invitation, I would think it was rude.









as long as it was said in a "We don't expect anything from you, but if you want an idea..." type of way.

I would *totally* tell my close family members (mom, etc) what types of things ds was into (over the phone, not in an invite). I do it all the time, and I'm fairly certain no one is offended. But I do leave it open ended, so they feel they *can* get whatever they want (or nothing), and I'm just giving them iideas.


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## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

I can see how it's easy to think at first glance that asking for money is fine. After all, why not save people the bother of buying something, and if people are going to spend money anyway, might as well spend it on what is wanted.

However, keep in mind that there is not a 1:1 correlation between money spent on a gift and the monetary value of the gift. Not everyone goes out and spends $20 on a $20 present right before the party.

Some people stockpile presents (taking advantage of major sales) and shop out of their stockpile. Some people are fantastic bargain hunters and can pay 50 cents for an item that is brand new and worth $25 at a yard sale. Some people might have been given gift certificates to certain stores, and instead of spending it on themselves, they prefer to spend it on picking out a gift for someone else. Some people may work at certain stores or have relatives who do so and are able to get deep discounts. Some people are crafty or creative and make their own gifts.

Asking for money takes away the opportunity for people to do all that. It takes away the chance of someone to give a gift that is worth $25....that they actually only paid $5 for. Requesting WHAT a gift should be takes away the chance for people to be creative/smart with their money and give a great gift for little money.

When someone gives a gift, the recipient has no way of knowing how much that person actually spent on that gift. With money, everything is transparent. It is immediately obvious who spent $5 and who spent $25. Maybe YOU don't care, but many people do. It's not considerate of those who have little money, to take away their opportunity to give a great gift thats worth a lot, while spending very little or nothing out of pocket.

Now, if someone asks for ideas, I think it's fine to say she is saving up for a netbook. But, only if they ask, since that means they likely don't have something else already in mind.


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