# Negligent Cosleeping?



## mother2eve (Feb 1, 2008)

Hi, I don't usually post, but after reading the last issue of mothering I wanted to get some opinions.
I was very grateful for the articles, and all the pictures about co sleeping, it really helps to see that other families have similar loving experiencing when bed sharing.
I was concerned, however when reading the guidelines to safe bed sharing. I realized that I didn't practice these guidelines at all! My DD is now 2 yrs old so some of the precautions do not apply, as they would for an infant. But regardless my bed sharing practices were pretty much the same when she was younger.
Let me explain: I have 3 pillows in the bed, a sheet, and comforter. She frequently sleeps between husband and I (as I get uncomfortable sleeping on the same side all night), Our bed is not on the floor. We frequently take naps on the couch (even when she was an infant). We side car the crib. And she sleeps in our adult bed, alone all the time...especially when she was younger! These are all things that designate unsafe bed sharing according to the article. Now all I need to do is start smoking and go to sleep drunk and drugged.
Furthermore, I'm pregnant and fully intend to cosleep with new baby, and don't plan on kicking DD out of bed when new baby arrives. But there are all kinds of precautions against allowing older kids sleep with infants?!?
I also noticed that many of the pictures featured in the article revealed similar practices (i.e. pillow, blankets, baby and child), so that came off as a little contradictory to me.
Anyhow, the long and short of it is, that I'm feeling a bit shameful right now, and wondering if I'm lucky that my DD didn't suffocate, or strangle or something equally horrifying.
Do I need to change before next baby comes?
Help!


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## aylaanne (Mar 7, 2007)

First of all, a brag: My son and husband were one of the pictures in that article!

As for the "rules", we sleep with a pillow top mattress, on top of a box spring, on top of a high bed frame. There's easily 3.5 feet between the top of the bed and the floor. We do have a bed rail. however, we sleep with pillows and blankets and, in the winter, a comforter. I started working nights when DS was 12 weeks old, and he shared a bed with DH, who takes multiple medications for his PTSD, some of which include sedative effects. And, we've gone to bed before when one or both of us parents have imbibed some alcohol.

DS slept without a pillow and always refused to sleep under blankets, even when his little toeses were cold. Sometimes he sleeps in between us, sometimes on the outside. I don't know what we're going to do when we're having another baby.

Do what's right for your family. Nobody has died yet as a result of your parenting practices, and while there are ways that you can make your bed safer for your next baby, there is no way to ensure that your bed is 100% dead baby proof. As a result of the sleep practices in my house, DH has developed an awareness of our baby in the bed, and the two of them sleep better than DS and I do in the bed alone. I always recommend that non-breastfeeding couples try a side-car or co-sleeping basinette rather than in-the-bed sleeping, but I always vote for whatever works best for your family.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

I believe these articles (and I have read several) are attempting to err on the side of caution.

We have a pillow top mattress (purchased one month prior to Abigail's birth), we use pillows, Abigail has always slept in the middle, it's her spot, we side carred the crib and Sophia slept between it and I on the edge of our bed (we've sold the crib, and now keep the crib mattress on the floor on my side of the bed), we use a sheet and a comforter most of the year. However, our queen size bed is a mattress and box spring lying directly on the floor, which is the only carpeted room in our house. Sure, we aren't following all the rules, but I have always felt in tune with my babes and have never been unaware of them even as I slept.


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## mother2eve (Feb 1, 2008)

Thanks a lot. Your comments have helped ease my mind.
I've never felt my little one was in danger, and if she was I would have made changes that perhaps reflected the guidelines. Every family and baby is different. I guess some babies are more active at night which would make blankets and such more of a risk....and so on and so forth.
I suppose when the new one arrives I'll make changes as I see fit.
Thanks again.


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## Ks Mama (Aug 22, 2006)

We sleep on a pillow top mattress, and it was one that we bought AFTER DD was born, and AFTER we decided co-sleeping was what we were going to do.
We have always slept with comforters, pillows, and sheets.
I slept drugged with my babies for several days after their births because they were both born via c-section & I could not handle major abdominal surgery without pain medication. Go figure.







My son barely left my chest for our entire stay at the hospital. Drugs & all.

I think that suffocating your baby while you are asleep with them in your arms is completely ridiculous. The reason it is safer to sleep with your baby than away from your baby is because you can hear, feel, see, and breathe with your baby. If she's in any distress, you're RIGHT THERE.

Both of our children ROUTINELY slept alone in our bed. It was the only way we could get them to sleep.

You have nothing to feel shameful of. Cosleeping is the best thing you can do for your newborn.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

nak
Can I highjack? I keep seeing warnings about cosleeping if you're overweight. It hasn't stopped us but it does make me worried (& offended) at times.


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## lula (Feb 26, 2003)

I am one of the "paranoid" co-sleeper I guess. We don't use sheets, only open weave blanket up to my waist, small pillows only, firm mattress on the floor, baby only next to me, breastfeeding, no smoking, no alcohol close to bedtime, no drugs etc. and the older child is not next to the baby at any time while asleep.

As my children got older I relaxed but this is how I co-slept with both of my babies. I have to admit that even though I believe co-sleeping is safe I am paranoid. (heck maybe paranoia is part of the reason I co-sleep in the first place!) I don't think that I actually could have slept without following the guidelines I set for myself but I think that is the key, finding out where I was comfortable, what made sense to me, what worked with what I knew of my baby etc. My babies are very active, roll-over quickly and move like crazy while they sleep and I am sure that this influenced how I made decisions.

I do think that even with pillows, blankets etc. co-sleeping is much safer than many of the cribs that are full with bumpers, blankets, sleep positioner things, toys etc. I think it is safer for a baby to be with a mother who is using a blanket and a pillow etc than to not be with the mother. Such a huge amount of safety is built in just by having the babies mother close that I think a lot of the rest of this stuff is really not on the same scale at all.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lifeguard* 
nak
Can I highjack? I keep seeing warnings about cosleeping if you're overweight. It hasn't stopped us but it does make me worried (& offended) at times.


Yeah, I know, right?

I'm what would be called morbidly obese, although I don't see myself as morbid. My youngest one was only 5.5 pounds at birth (full term, 8 days past term, just a tiny little thing). Both my girls were walking at 10 months and are very strong and muscular and physically coordinated. Anyway, most of my fat is on my belly and boobs and my little one loves to sleep with her arm under my shoulders. (I sleep on my left side and she's on my left at the edge of the bed). She will actually shove her arm under my shoulders in order for her to fall asleep. She'll get so close to me that she shoves her right leg under my big floppy fat belly and throws her left leg over my right hip. The first few times she did this, I was afraid all my fat would squish her. Well, the fact is, fat is squishy, and apparently a very comforting thing to my babes, since it represents a warm mommy to them.









ETA: Abigail, the older one, sleeps on my right, in the middle of the bed and she *needs* to touch skin in order to fall asleep, she likes to wrap both her arms around my right arm. I end up quite uncomfortable most nights until they have fallen asleep and I can rearrange my body and arms and legs into a more comfortable position. If I fall asleep before they do, I usually wake at some point in the night to readjust.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

wow, i like this thread. it makes me feel so much better!!!

i, like many of you, have been a non-kosher co-sleeper. the whole not sleeping with baby in the bed while you're on drugs is basically impossible if you've had a c-section and really, really need painkillers. so personally i always find this suggestion a bit offensive, as if we're all supposed to have had pain-free post-partum periods







:

and we always put DD in between us. always. DH helped make sure DD was okay, since like i said i was drugged to high heaven for the whole first month. we did use a co-sleeper, but she always wound up in our bed since it was so much harder to get her down in the co-sleeper.

then i went through a run of taking ativan due to my birth-related PTSD, which i suffered with throughout DD's first year. co-slept through that, too.

i did take more precautions the few times i took sleeping pills--my DH slept next to DD instead of me sleeping next to her.

and DH and i both drink alcohol...usually not a lot, but at times, once DD was a bit older, one or both of us would be a bit tipsy.

and we have pillows, blankets, everything else, and we always have. we just tried to use common sense about where to place DD on the bed, and there was never a major problem to speak of.

the point is, like a PP so beautifully said, use your common sense and do what's best for your family. the guidelines are just that--guidelines. if you feel you need to follow some or all of them in order to be safe and secure, then do. if you know you're going to ignore some of them, and you think that's fine, then do it unrepentantly!









i also think some of the guidelines ARE blatantly offensive, like for example the formula feeding one. jeez louise, if for some reason i'd been unable to breastfeed DD, how bad would i have also felt to be told i wasn't adequate to sleep next to her either? having lactating breasts should not be a prerequisite for co-sleeping. neither should being thin. or white (which, yes, there is much to-do about how SIDS risk goes up if you're black!).






























your instincts are good, mama! trust them! you know how to keep your babies safe.


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## aylaanne (Mar 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 

i also think some of the guidelines ARE blatantly offensive, like for example the formula feeding one. jeez louise, if for some reason i'd been unable to breastfeed DD, how bad would i have also felt to be told i wasn't adequate to sleep next to her either? having lactating breasts should not be a prerequisite for co-sleeping.

I think the idea for this one is that we still don't completely understand the way that lactation hormones change a mother's sleep pattern. While I would never tell a formula-feeding mother to not co-sleep, i would advise them to be much more cautious, since she may not have the advantage of an unknown body chemistry.

There is so much we don't know about the way the human body reacts to pregnancy and childbirth. We are designed to propagate the species, and I believe that when we interfere with that, we put ourselves at risk. Eating processed foods, taking medications, even not exercising regularly can change the way your body works, since it was designed to eat whole foods, be medication free, and have daily exercise. Which isn't to say that participating in western society the way we know it is bad, but we simply have no idea what the consequences of our actions are. Science is nowhere near recreating God, and we were designed with an intricate complexity that is beyond our ability to understand at this point. We just don't know. That's why I advocate for intervention-free pregnancy and birth, because we have no idea how our actions, no matter how small, may change our outcome.

So, while I'm the first to say "don't sweat the small stuff" and "trust your instincts", remember that our instincts were designed to be much less meddled with, and the small stuff may have huge ramifications that we are as yet unaware of. We just don't know.

/soapbox


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## ~savah~ (Aug 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 
i also think some of the guidelines ARE blatantly offensive, like for example the formula feeding one. jeez louise, if for some reason i'd been unable to breastfeed DD, how bad would i have also felt to be told i wasn't adequate to sleep next to her either? having lactating breasts should not be a prerequisite for co-sleeping. neither should being thin. or white (which, yes, there is much to-do about how SIDS risk goes up if you're black!).






























your instincts are good, mama! trust them! you know how to keep your babies safe.

When I read the guidelines about FF and not bedsharing it always makes me feel so sad for the babies. Not only do they not get to breastfeed, but they miss out on another important bonding experience







.

DD also sleeps in the middle. I feel like it was actually safer in the beginning because on nights that I was exhausted DH would keep an eye on her. He often woke me up when she needed to be fed. Oh yeah, we also used blankets, pillows and our bed is on a frame that is about 3 feet from the floor.


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## Amber Lion (Sep 22, 2006)

Another "bad" co-sleeper here. I understand that when you're creating "safe" guidelines to give to the public you need to be cautious, especially when co-sleeping is so controversial. But I don't think that even though we use sheets and blankets and pillows, sleep with DD in between us, let her take naps in our bed alone, etc. we're being unsafe.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aylaanne* 
I think the idea for this one is that we still don't completely understand the way that lactation hormones change a mother's sleep pattern. While I would never tell a formula-feeding mother to not co-sleep, i would advise them to be much more cautious, since she may not have the advantage of an unknown body chemistry.

There is so much we don't know about the way the human body reacts to pregnancy and childbirth. We are designed to propagate the species, and I believe that when we interfere with that, we put ourselves at risk. Eating processed foods, taking medications, even not exercising regularly can change the way your body works, since it was designed to eat whole foods, be medication free, and have daily exercise. Which isn't to say that participating in western society the way we know it is bad, but we simply have no idea what the consequences of our actions are. Science is nowhere near recreating God, and we were designed with an intricate complexity that is beyond our ability to understand at this point. We just don't know. That's why I advocate for intervention-free pregnancy and birth, because we have no idea how our actions, no matter how small, may change our outcome.

So, while I'm the first to say "don't sweat the small stuff" and "trust your instincts", remember that our instincts were designed to be much less meddled with, and the small stuff may have huge ramifications that we are as yet unaware of. We just don't know.

/soapbox

sure, that makes sense. but i guess where i come from on this is, there are some people (like me, ahem) who for whatever reason _can't_ follow the "natural" way.

i ended up with a medically necessary c-section, and now for a variety of reasons, i can never have a natural birth. which means i'll be drugged post-partum and my babies will be drugged.

there are other mothers who, perhaps due to meds they have to take to live, can't breastfeed, and their babies get formula.

and there are obese mothers, maybe for medical or lifestyle reason, who knows? but they're not really the "natural" prototypical **** sapien body type.

and there are adoptive mothers, who didn't get lactation OR pregnancy hormones.

and yet we all become mothers to babies who would like to sleep with us, and who in many cases we want to sleep with too, and IMO it's patronizing to tell us that co-sleeping is only really "safe" for the mothers who did/do things biologically "normally."

hope you don't take that to be snappy. i don't mean it that way, and i do definitely see where you're coming from; just trying to offer you another perspective!


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## MsZelda (Jan 17, 2009)

thank you thank you thank you

I, too, have felt a lot of "sloppy co-sleeping guilt" about the fact that my DD likes to snuggle in under our duvet and tends to kick herself into odd contortions during the night. She is strong and vocal and reassures me that I would know if she was ever in trouble but I still feel worried every time I read one of those LOOOONG lists of cosleeping Don'ts. We live in an old house in Eastern Canada and the idea of no blankets is laughable ... we'd have to dress her up in a snowsuit if she couldn't snuggle in close to us.

I also think babies are more resilient than some people believe. I admit to having nudged / bonked my DS's sweet head in the night and she sure has done the same to me a million times (gently, of course!) and it's all part of being that close and intimate with another human being.

Please, mamas, share your bedding arrangements - I'm interested to hear more.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

Heehee - the image of all of us in bed in our snowsuits makes me laugh!!! That is what we would half to do as well!


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## saritajoy (May 26, 2008)

I'm another who read all the co-sleeping guidelines and as a paranoid perfectionist tried to stick to general safety parameters as much as possible.

However, we opted to leave our bedframe up and still sleep on a pillowtop mattress plus have a mattress pad... additionally I've put a chux pad under DS and I which I guess makes our space a bit smoother. DS sleeps between DP and I most of the time, but when I nurse him on the other side he and I both often fall asleep without me putting him back in the middle. So I've taken to putting a pillow between his back and the nightstand, which makes me feel better about the risk of him somehow falling out of bed (although he's not rolling over yet!) DP uses the top sheet and light blanket up over his shoulder, but I wear long sleeves to bed (thank god I live in the tropics!) and tuck the blanket and sheet under my arm so that they are never over DS's face.

I think a good thing to remember is that our babies do have a fierce survival instinct and are not going to get smothered easily! I've observed DS a lot when he's sleeping with a sheet or light blanket over or by his face - he pushes it away or makes a hollow in it. When a pillow is too close to him he makes space for himself. Or he fusses, asking us to fix it for him!


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## mormontreehugger (Feb 25, 2009)

I'm really glad you put this thread up! We're expecting our first and plan to co-sleep. We'll be using a baby positioner thingy in between us just in case, but there's no WAY I would have a baby on the edge of the bed, even if the mattress was on the floor. First of all, I'm a messy messy nightstander. My whole house can be sparkly clean and my nightstand and the area around it would need some kind of health inspection







Secondly, I always sleep right at the edge of the king size bed. I just never sprawl out. I know I would kick a baby right on to the floor every night. As for blankets and pillows, I planned on using them anyway and just positioning the baby higher up on the bed. Then I read all these articles about how I should sleep in a turtleneck to stay warm (how exactly easy is it to breastfeed in a turtleneck?) and basically sleep like a mummy every night without tugging on the blankets in my sleep. I really started to think I wouldn't be able to do it...
I have hope now! Yay!







:


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

eh, we are bad co-sleepers, too, I guess.

Baby in the middle (and toddler when that was the case, on the edge) bed not against the wall, nor do we have any kind of rail thing.... oh, and we use fluffy pillows and a comforter and top sheet.

oooh, and our mattress now is a pillowtop









ETA: I am pretty dang sure that having baby in bed with us was much safer than in another room, in a crib all night long.


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## laurelg (Nov 27, 2007)

You know, I was just coming here to post something along these lines - so thanks, OP!

We co-sleep on a queen Tempurpedic. I'm using the same sheets/blankets I've always used - it's a fitted bottom sheet, normal cotton top sheet, medium-weight blanket, and fairly thick duvet. DD sometimes sleeps in between us and sometimes on the outside. We usually sleep in nothing or next-to-nothing - I've been doing night EC for the last week or so, so DD is naked. She and I are usually on some combination of absorbent stuff beneath us. A friend just bought her a lambskin, though, so as of last night she's on that. We keep it pretty warm, but I still often have the blankets pulled up high on us - I TRY to keep them tucked under DD's arm. She sleeps tummy-to-tummy with me most of the time (boob pillow!), so even when the duvet comes up higher it doesn't cover her mouth/nose, as they are turned to the side - but I suppose it *could* if she rolled onto her back.

I'm actually really comfortable with our arrangement UNTIL I read something about co-sleeping, and then wonder if I've only not managed to kill her out of dumb luck.







I also feel weird when I read what others have to say about nighttime clothing - even before we were doing EC, the most DD ever slept in was a diaper. I wear a bra at MOST. I feel like we're all staying warm enough, but it seems so different than what most people do that I wonder if I'm doing something wrong.

I want to just roll with my instincts, but it's hard when even the crunchy advice contradicts those instincts.


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Where Should Babies Sleep at Night?

Quote:

No one would suggest that because sleeping in a crib can be hazardous under certain conditions, no baby should sleep in a crib. By analogy, therefore, it is equally illogical to suggest that because under certain circumstances bedsharing can be hazardous, parents should not bedshare with their baby. Given the near universality of the practice of bedsharing at some stage, it is far more logical to identify the conditions under which bedsharing is hazardous and to give parents information on how to avoid them.
and

Quote:

Rather than issuing broad statements, not based upon good evidence, to suggest that parents should not bedshare with their babies, I suggest that giving them accurate information, based upon careful studies of healthy babies as well as babies who have died, will allow parents to make safe and appropriate choices.
Here's a Mothering article about co-sleeping safety that's interesting









Here's another by Dr. J. Gordon that puts safety into perspective:

Quote:

The combined wisdom and experience of governmental "experts" is dwarfed by that of James McKenna, Director of the University of Notre Dame's Mother-Baby Sleep Laboratory. His research and writing explain very clearly that no sleeping situation is 100 percent safe, but that many more babies have suffocated in cribs than in beds shared with their parents.
From MDC's Statement of Purpose:

Quote:

Mothering celebrates the experience of parenthood as worthy of one's best efforts and fosters awareness of the immense importance and value of family life in the development of the full human potential of parents and children. At Mothering we recognize parents as experts and seek to provide truly helpful information upon which parents can make informed choices. Mothering is both a fierce advocate of the needs and rights of the child and a gentle supporter of the parents, and we encourage decision-making that considers the needs of all family members. We explore the reality of human relationships in the family setting, recognizing that raising the heirs of our civilization well is the prerequisite for a healthy society.

Mothering advocates natural family living, including the ancient way of being with babies and children that is known today as attachment parenting. _This way is reliant on the inherent integrity of children and the inviolate intuition of parents. The family is the dominion of parents and children and authoritative knowledge rests with them. This website is a place to safely explore all the aspects involved in such a parenting philosophy._
We're here to help provide information and support, and each family makes its own determination about what works best for them


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

That said, I'm sure I've broken _all_ the "rules" at one point or another in my 9+ years co-sleeping. This is the reality of daily life









IME, we need to take into consideration the guidelines because they're based on research, but at the end of the day, we use common sense and our own personal experiences to make it though the night. We make the best of what we have in our own unique circumstances


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## accountclosed3 (Jun 13, 2006)

absolutely, as well as the need to sleep. i wasn't sleeping well when i followed all of the rules. we both slept better once i broke a few (sleep with pillow and open-weave blanket!). and now i LOVE cosleeping, wehreas before, it was something i dreaded.


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia* 
That said, I'm sure I've broken _all_ the "rules" at one point or another in my 9+ years co-sleeping. This is the reality of daily life









IME, we need to take into consideration the guidelines because they're based on research, but at the end of the day, we use common sense and our own personal experiences to make it through the night. We make the best of what we have in our own unique circumstances


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia* 
IME, we need to take into consideration the guidelines because they're based on research, but at the end of the day, we use common sense and our own personal experiences to make it though the night. We make the best of what we have in our own unique circumstances









ITA, georgia! well-said!


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

I haven't read this article yet, but I've read a lot about cosleeping in general, including a fair amount of McKenna's work, and honestly I have yet to see the _research_ that backs up some of the common recommendations. Until I do see and have a chance to evaluate research on the topic(s) myself, I figure that they're a combination of "common sense" (which may or may not match with my sense) and that source's beliefs or prejudices, sometimes with a dash of CYA added (depending on the source and what litigious concerns they may have).

For our family, for instance, the idea to not cosleep with the babe between parents/next to dad, or when obese, or with pillows/blankets on the bed, because that makes it "unsafe" is pretty absurd. There _was_ more risk to having the bed high off the ground, however, which we accepted for a while, then lowered the bed when we moved to a place with all hardwoods when Naked Baby was 7mo (and cruising!) and the risk was beyond what we were comfortable with.

It's good to be aware of ways to make the environment more/less safe, but "Do not cosleep when:" lists become problematical, in my opinion, when they start taking away from one's own knowledge and expertise on one's own family and situation. From the statement of purpose georgia quoted: "we recognize parents as experts... The family is the dominion of parents and children and *authoritative knowledge rests with them*."


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## aylaanne (Mar 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *readytobedone* 
and yet we all become mothers to babies who would like to sleep with us, and who in many cases we want to sleep with too, and IMO it's patronizing to tell us that co-sleeping is only really "safe" for the mothers who did/do things biologically "normally."

hope you don't take that to be snappy. i don't mean it that way, and i do definitely see where you're coming from; just trying to offer you another perspective!









I think it's patronizing to tell anyone that any activity is safe. Life isn't safe. Every breath we take is a risk. And yet, we keep breathing, because the risk is small, and the benefits are huge.

Where cosleeping is concerned, everything we do that interferes with the way things would occur in nature increases the risk to ourselves and our babies. The lists and guidelines that have been given to parents who put their babies to sleep in cribs only reduce the risk that their babies will die, it doesn't eliminate it. Likewise, cosleeping guidelines only reduce risk as well, and they're based on less research, IMO. Do I think that if you take pain medication before bed, have a high bmi, or sleep with a thick duvet, that you're going to kill your baby? No, I do not, that would be silly. I don't know what goes on in your bedroom, and neither do the authors of these articles. It's all just a suggestion.

My point was just that the suggestions are made with the smallest fraction of understanding about what goes on during sleep at all. We (as a culture) make judgements and recommendations for how to do things the "safe" way, when we barely have an understanding of what "safe" is. And yet, rejecting those suggestions as ludicrous because you ended up not breastfeeding or your husband takes sleeping pills once a week or whatever is equally ridiculous.

Maybe I'm not making sense, here, but basically what it boils down to is that the "experts" don't know much of anything, really, but neither do any of us, so we shouldn't dismiss something just because we don't happen to agree with it. Or, as is more usually the case, because we feel guilty about something that we are or aren't doing.


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## AGierald (Sep 5, 2007)

When I was pregnant, I posted a message on here about being overweight and wanting to cosleep... the wonderful people here allayed those fears!

We're very bad cosleepers... we each have our own blanket, I use several pillows, and my dh has sleep apnea. Ry sleeps between us, or between me and a couch. We used to use a bed rail, but mr. daredevil kept trying to jump over it, so we shoved the bed against a couch, which he sometimes rolls onto, to sleep in his own space (thnk side carred couch instead of crib, lol)...

oh, and our cats sleep at the foot of the bed, lol.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

I'm one of the overly cautious cosleeping moms. I pretty much always have been (just had my fourth kiddo a couple of months ago).

So, our bedroom has the college door feel to it LOL. Mattress on the floor, up against the wall LOL. Baby sleeps between me and the wall. I dress VERY warmly myself in winter and then just have a sheet over myself.

I wonder if the morbid obesity warning has to do with sleep apnea? I know DH is *not* as sensitive, for SURE, to baby as I am. Because if he wakes up and he cries, DH does not wake up! Early on, when baby was waking up a bit fussy DH didn't have a clue. DH snores and is obese.


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AGierald* 
oh, and our cats sleep at the foot of the bed, lol.

Is that in the article too? (didn't read it here) No sleeping with pets? I can see almost if the pet is large/dog how I suppose it *could* be an issue. Cats are creatures of comfort though, they definitely bolt/run out of the way if disturbed.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

I'm actually more careful about the cats on our bed than the dogs. For one the dogs pretty much exclusively stay at the foot of the bed. And one of our cats likes to sleep on my chest which I could see translating to on the ds' chest. So the cats are pretty much banned from the bedroom now.


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## huminbird (Mar 5, 2008)

I am a member of the negligent cosleeping club.

From the get go we slept with pillows and blankets and sheets and on a bed that was raised off the floor. For the first week my hubby slept with us but he kept sorta waking up and thinking that he had lost the baby when the baby was just sleeping on me or breastfeeding. He decided to sleep in another bed for the first month or two because of this. He once sat up in his sleep holding a piece of blanket, telling me he had the babies foot and asking where the rest of the baby had went. LOL He doesn't remember this.

We can't afford to heat the house to 70 or more day and night and my son refuses to sleep in heavy clothes and I can't stand sleeping in more than a bra and underwear either. We have a feather blanket and have never had a problem. Lately, he has been crawling in his sleep and sometimes backing himself under the blanket and then he flails until I take the blanket off his head or until he kicks it off himself. Oh, now that he is self-mobile we have the bed sitting on the floor with no boxspring.

Once, when my son was about two weeks we were in bed, him asleep and me reading a book. He starts choking. I roll him onto his side to clear his mouth of this frothy white foam stuff that he had spit up. He actually started turning blue for a moment. SCARY! If I wasn't there to help him what would have happened? If he had been in a crib alone in another room... Now I never worry about tummy sleeping (which was the only way he would happily sleep) and I am so happy to have found a group that encourages cosleeping when so many people are against it.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

I would not allow an infant and toddler to sleep next to one another because toddlers simply do not have the same intuitions as the mother and they tend to move around a lot more and roll over things without a care in the world. So either my husband or myself is between the two of them while we are asleep.

But as far as everything else, yes we do all this. The baby goes back and forth from the left side of the bed to between dh and I, I keep the blankets to her chest and have pillows on the bed, etc... I think you just need to know how aware you are. I am comfortable with my momma cat being on the bed because she stays at the end, but I am not sure I'd let a dog in if we had them.

I am out on the ff'ed and obese issues as neither of these apply to me and I haven't read the research. I know studies have shown increased risk if mom smoked during pregnancy, so I think mom's who did need to know that and take caution.

A mom who is drunk or otherwise intoxicated certainly has no business sharing a sleeping surface with her child and absolutely there should not be non-essential extras in the bed - plastic bags for example.


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## mamarootoo (Sep 16, 2008)

i wouldn't be surprised if the reason some mama's feel safer following stricter guidelines, is because their babies need that to be safe.
i think a lot of our maternal instincts are there for our _specific_ child.


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## Evelynmia'smom (Mar 8, 2009)

I'm also a rule breaker...

have a pillowtop mattress, use a pillow...but sleep only on the edge of it...lo sleeps btween me and the rail, use a blanket that her little feet go on top of and it goesto my waist....bed is on a frame and we do sometimes let her sleep alone in the bed. I lived in terror for months reading all of the precautions...feeling negligent and every "it's unsafe" comment from my mother made me feel even worse....it's the only way any of us gets any sleep!


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## Whistler (Jan 30, 2009)

When I started co-sleeping with my son, everything (mainstream) I had read suggested that co-sleeping itself was totally unsafe, so I was breaking every rule to begin with. So when I slept with him, I did what felt right and didn't worry about any of it. We slept with a pillow, blanket, comforter, bed up off the floor, sidecar, the whole bit. Amazingly enough, he survived!

When we licensed as foster parents it was deemed that the ONLY "safe" way to sleep a baby was in a crib with no blankets or bumpers with bars at a certain small spacing and on baby's back. Poor baby. Glad I didn't listen to that advice with my DS.


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## Harmony08 (Feb 4, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zoebird* 
absolutely, as well as the need to sleep. i wasn't sleeping well when i followed all of the rules. we both slept better once i broke a few (sleep with pillow and open-weave blanket!). and now i LOVE cosleeping, wehreas before, it was something i dreaded.

Yep. I really wanted to co sleep and followed all the rules to the T and I dreaded it. I have always had a difficult time falling asleep and all of the rules just made it impossible. I gave up and have gone back to sleeping in my pillowtop, full size bed, with DH and DS sleeps in his crib pulled up against my side. Lately, I have been "accidentally" falling asleep while feeding him in the bed every night. Especially after 4:30 cause I know he will wake up if I move him. I love it. It so nice and cozy and completely different than before. I have been feeling really guilty, however. sigh.

I keep him as far away from DH as possible because I have watched DH flop onto DS and not notice. He is a very heavy sleeper. I'm thinking about sidecarring.


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## haurelia (Mar 12, 2009)

I started co-sleeping without giving it much thought. I suppose I intended for my LO to use the Amby bed we got for our bedroom...
He was born at home, and the midwives just tucked us all in together, and that's how we've stayed sleeping the last 6 weeks. We're really "bad" bed-sharers; we have a pillowtop, high bed with a down duvet and cats that sleep at the foot. LO sleeps tummy to tummy with me, with my arm around him, his head pillowed on my biceps. He still needs help to latch, so he wakes me briefly and then I usually go back to sleep as he nurses. I do keep him away from hubby unless I'm awake and up to monitor, since DH isn't usually aware of the babe when he's asleep.
I credit sharing the family bed with getting as much sleep as I have since LO's birth. I can't imagine him in another room.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

I think those rules are loose guidelines that don't apply to everyone or even most people. People have been bedsharing with their babies for millennia and something tells me that our bodies have figured out how to protect our babies from smothering despite the presence of such new, recent technology as blankets and pillows and soft bedding.

I don't know anyone who bedshares and follows every single rule, and I know a lot of people who bedshare. Just do what feels right and try not to worry about it. Don't be grossly irresponsible, of course, and use some common sense. You will be fine.


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## kaliyah'smama (Aug 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mother2eve* 
Hi, I don't usually post, but after reading the last issue of mothering I wanted to get some opinions.
I was very grateful for the articles, and all the pictures about co sleeping, it really helps to see that other families have similar loving experiencing when bed sharing.
I was concerned, however when reading the guidelines to safe bed sharing. I realized that I didn't practice these guidelines at all! My DD is now 2 yrs old so some of the precautions do not apply, as they would for an infant. But regardless my bed sharing practices were pretty much the same when she was younger.
Let me explain: I have 3 pillows in the bed, a sheet, and comforter. She frequently sleeps between husband and I (as I get uncomfortable sleeping on the same side all night), Our bed is not on the floor. We frequently take naps on the couch (even when she was an infant). We side car the crib. And she sleeps in our adult bed, alone all the time...especially when she was younger! These are all things that designate unsafe bed sharing according to the article. Now all I need to do is start smoking and go to sleep drunk and drugged.
Furthermore, I'm pregnant and fully intend to cosleep with new baby, and don't plan on kicking DD out of bed when new baby arrives. But there are all kinds of precautions against allowing older kids sleep with infants?!?
I also noticed that many of the pictures featured in the article revealed similar practices (i.e. pillow, blankets, baby and child), so that came off as a little contradictory to me.
Anyhow, the long and short of it is, that I'm feeling a bit shameful right now, and wondering if I'm lucky that my DD didn't suffocate, or strangle or something equally horrifying.
Do I need to change before next baby comes?
Help!

DITTO.







:


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## nerdymom (Mar 20, 2008)

: I'm glad I found this thread. We began bedsharing BECAUSE I had a c/s and could not pick 10lb DS out of the hospital bassinet. Then they sent me home barely 48hrs post-op and I could not get in and out of our high, pillowtop bed without serious help, medication, and a stepstool. DS sleeps between us, b/c DH wants in on the snuggle action too. And yes, we sleep with all the bedclothes on. I guess I just trust my mommy instincts enough to let me know if there is a problem. I wake easily anyway, and motherhood has made me aware of every sound in the house.

I take every guideline with a grain of salt, but I am glad to hear that I am not the only one.


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## AKfamily (Jan 6, 2007)

DH asked me a good question recently about bedsharing rules (we sleep with DS1 who's almost 3 and DS2 who's 8 months, I started out almost always being between them but had recurring plugged ducts from only nursing one side all night long, now DS2 is between me and the wall sometimes and between me and a body pillow positioned lower than his face that separates him from DS1 - who of course then worms his way towards me all night long creating the slowly inching train of kids seeking mom








The question is what is the risk of pillows and blankets to children who have control of their heads and bodies? It is easy to see how a baby who can't move at will is at risk of suffocation from bedding. But what is the risk to a mobile baby/child? And when does the risk subside (i.e. obviously I don't suffocate when I cover my face with a blanket or have part of my pillow covering my face).


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## D'sMama (May 4, 2008)

Yep, we're (semi-)bad co-sleepers too. Extra-deep pillow-top mattress, pillows, sheets and blankets, DS sleeps between us, he naps alone and goes to bed before us alone, we have wine with dinner.







:

Whenever people act shocked and say they would worry about rolling over the baby, I have to laugh because I am SO aware of him when I sleep. That, and he's kind of huge!


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## AKfamily (Jan 6, 2007)

I also think it's funny that the mdc cosleeping smilie violates the 'rules' of cosleeping - 2 kids side by side


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AKfamily* 
I also think it's funny that the mdc cosleeping smilie violates the 'rules' of cosleeping - 2 kids side by side










Hahaha. And mine won't sleep side by side. They play and kiss and giggle and tickle. I have to be their separator at night.


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## ThreeJane (Mar 8, 2003)

Another negligent cosleeper here. We use flannel or fleece sheets and comforters and duvets and feather blankets. If I did no blankets here, we'd end up Popsicles. Baby sleeps between DH and I (she's 5 weeks, BTW) or on the other side, depending on which side we're nursing on. I fall asleep nursing her too.


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## Theoretica (Feb 2, 2008)

Yet another negligent and very bad cosleeper here too! Our girls are comfy as clams on the coast snuggled up under covers, with pillows (two main pillows, one for DH and I, plus a neck pillow for me), on our REEEALLY tall cali-king bed. I almost always put bbDD between DH and I, as I'm worried about her rolling off at night. But even when she was tiny I just kept her right by me and slept away. I also woke up over every tiny noise she made. And older DD sleeps on the other side of Daddy now so that I have plenty of 'flip room'.

I'd never get any sleep if I followed all the rules


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