# I just started miscarrying



## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

My bleeding started a few hours ago. I'm getting gushes, brown tinged red. I was 5 weeks pregnant, and knew right away, I'd been charting.

I'm really scared. I spoke with a nurse. She said there is nothing to do but go for a d&c or just wait it out. I'm waiting. But I'm so scared to birth this baby.

I'm so sad. I cry. Then I feel cold.

I feel nauseated and very crampy.


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## yogafeet (Jul 3, 2007)

I am so sorry.


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## PinkinPA (Feb 26, 2007)

I'm sorry for your loss. I pray for comfort for you.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

how can people be so cold?

My husband called my mom (she lives in a different country from us) and she started blaming me. Saying that if I dont' run to the hospital right now this is all on my head. Not in those words. But basically saying that I could save this baby if only I wouldn't be so stubborn and get to a hospital where they can "make" me stop bleeding and make the baby live.

My dh is on the phone with mil and telling her. We hadn't even told them we were pregnant (this would have been our third). It's like she doesnt'e ven care. I'm doing Passover dinner for their entire family tonight and she was just asking about if there is enough food, since I'm not feeling well enough to cook right now. It's amazing. I dont' understand how people can be this way.

I told my good friend, she's already called once just to see how I am. It's really hard because she's busy getting ready for Passover and has her kids and everything. And I don't really know what I expected from her. She's sympathizing, and she's all I've got right now. I don't have another soul in the world. And I appriciate that so much. But I don't know.

I'm so confused and upset. I can't believe that my il's are being so cold. I can't believe that I'm going to be serving everyone dinner tonight. My mil is practically BRIMMING with excitement. She wants to tell the rest of the family. It's like my miscarrying is some kind of fun pasttime for the family to discuss. So they can say what? Oh, poor her.


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## luvbeingamama (Jan 29, 2008)

I am sorry your il's are being cold.
I had a miscarriage over the weekend. I was just shy of 6 wks and starting bleeding. I only bled for not even 4 whole days. I had cramping but that was about it. It just felt like a short period. My friend was pressuring me to go to the ER over the weekend and said they might be able to stop my bleeding. But that is the LAST place I wanted to go. The thing that helped me the most was just staying home with DH and DS.
You are in my prayers


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I'm sorry for everything that you are going through.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss and that you don't have the support you need.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss...







I lost my much wanted pregnancy at 5 weeks, and even though it was early the pain is so great. People just don't get it when it's so early...
I hope you can find comfort and support...


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I, also, am very sorry about it all, unsupportive family and the loss. I can relate to both. huge huge hugs to you.


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## geiamama (Feb 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
how can people be so cold?

My husband called my mom (she lives in a different country from us) and she started blaming me. Saying that if I dont' run to the hospital right now this is all on my head. Not in those words. But basically saying that I could save this baby if only I wouldn't be so stubborn and get to a hospital where they can "make" me stop bleeding and make the baby live.

My dh is on the phone with mil and telling her. We hadn't even told them we were pregnant (this would have been our third). It's like she doesnt'e ven care. I'm doing Passover dinner for their entire family tonight and she was just asking about if there is enough food, since I'm not feeling well enough to cook right now. It's amazing. I dont' understand how people can be this way.

I told my good friend, she's already called once just to see how I am. It's really hard because she's busy getting ready for Passover and has her kids and everything. And I don't really know what I expected from her. She's sympathizing, and she's all I've got right now. I don't have another soul in the world. And I appriciate that so much. But I don't know.

I'm so confused and upset. I can't believe that my il's are being so cold. I can't believe that I'm going to be serving everyone dinner tonight. My mil is practically BRIMMING with excitement. She wants to tell the rest of the family. It's like my miscarrying is some kind of fun pasttime for the family to discuss. So they can say what? Oh, poor her.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *luvbeingamama* 







I am sorry your il's are being cold.
I had a miscarriage over the weekend. I was just shy of 6 wks and starting bleeding. I only bled for not even 4 whole days. I had cramping but that was about it. It just felt like a short period. My friend was pressuring me to go to the ER over the weekend and said they might be able to stop my bleeding. But that is the LAST place I wanted to go. The thing that helped me the most was just staying home with DH and DS.
You are in my prayers









I am so sorry for both of your losses.

I am also so sorry jul511riv that you are getting so little support. Unfortunately I know just how you feel. I got through loss of my LO's with the help of my DH and still turn to him now when it hurts (and it still does, just not as intensely or as constantly). Your DH sounds equally as loving.

Again I am so sorry.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

So sorry for your loss...

I made an effort to tell myself, I would forgive everyone their insensitivity or uncomfortable responses in advance, because I knew... no one could say anything that would make a difference, anyway...







and I understood their reaction was more about them than me...

When I need real empathy, I turn to the people I know will truly "get it"... what else can you do? You can't change anyone.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

s mama. here is a hand to hold


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## moonInLion (Mar 1, 2009)




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## whitneymum (Dec 29, 2008)

s


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## slylives (Mar 4, 2007)

Just to say that I know how you feel. I am currently miscarrying at 5 weeks. It's shitty, isn't it? God bless.


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## Catubodua (Apr 21, 2008)

so sorry for your loss, and foo on those unhelpful people.


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## flowers (Apr 8, 2004)

It's times like these where I like to connect to all my "wise women" who have walked a similar path, drawing upon their courage, wisdom and strength, taking a bit of the heaviness off my load b/c they too have been there.

You have a community of sisters who support you even though you can't see us right now. Much love mama.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

I'm crying. But I feel so happy that we are all here. And that I'm not alone. I'm so so sorry for EVERYONE's losses! The thing that took me most by surprize is how physically painful it is.

I had contractions with gushes of baby and everything else coming out. Back labor, which felt like light or early labor, nausea...

I don't know what I figured. I guess I thought it was early, so it would just be like a period. It wasn't. I saw my mucous plug come out bit by bit.

I cry a lot. I cuddle my other two children. They are sad. Ds said it was a girl the whole time. dd said it was twins!







My husband is sad. His family just got worse and worse. I can't go into it, but suffice to say that his sister (who was 1.5 months further along in her pregnancy than me) basically said that this isn't a big deal or worth discussing. Increadible. Incredibly cold.

dd tried to "wake the baby up" by rattling keys on a keychain very loud. I didn't know what to do, except tell her thank you for trying, but the baby won't wake up. It's dead. And there won't be a baby anymore.

She opened the window for me and said "Mommy, you need fresh air and the wind will blow and will go through the water and put the baby back together."

She's amazing.

I think the worst part is over. It's less painful and it seems that its only been bright red/orange blood coming out and nothing outside of that, if you know what I mean, and aparently most of you do, sadly.

I am having trouble catching my breath. I'm just trying to be strong. I started off by praying when on the toilet. Just flushing and not looking. But when I emptied out my heart and still had more miscarrying to go, I grabbed a book on my bookshelf. Got through 100 pages or Marie Antoinette's life.







I just needed to be anywhere but where I was. I needed to be somewhere else. Meditating wasn't working, and so reading did. That's kind of morbid, I'm sure.

I didn't think I could do this, but I did. And I am. I'm really brave and strong and so are all of you!

I really wanted this baby, too. I was charting, taking herbs. Taking great support herbs. Knew the moment implantation occured. I had a middle name picked out. I was looking at ds and thinking about maybe dropping a nursing or two. Thinking about how he wasnt' going to be the baby anymore.

This baby was due two weeks before his 3rd birthday.

Everyone told (and continues) to tell me to go to the hospital, too. It's really scary when they say that. And really jarring. You want to run and do what they say. It's been very hard to not give in to fear and just trust the body's own processes. I'll see how things progress and go from there, if need be. But as far as a miscarriage goes, this seems like a "healthy" one. As far as miscarriages go.

I'm rambling but it's 4:30am here. I'm tired and going through this and, I was just so blindsighted. I just didn't think something like this would ever happen to me. I thought that my only problem was getting pregnant. Not that I could loose it after it was already here.

And why do I feel like I have to defend that I lost a BABY? People seem to feel that this wasn't much of anything or that it wasn't a baby. It was a baby to me. We shared a body, we were connected and we were one. It was one of my babies. A baby who is dead. Who I am birthing. And I really want that vindication or affirmation. I just don't know how to put it in words.

How are all you other mamas doing with this?

I've been taking valerian for the pain. It's helped. Also deep breathing. And of course, the book.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Thinking of you. I'm so sorry.


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## mwright (Nov 30, 2006)

Hi mama









I am so sorry you are going through this. I am actually in the midst of a miscarriage myself, I am 6 weeks 5 days. I started spotting last Sunday and then Wed it turned into full on bleeding/clots/gushing. Its so hard and its been so hard telling people.

I naturally miscarried my last pregnancy as well at 9weeks. I will continue on with the natural miscarriage as long as every is going fine. I'm having intense "mushing" feeling down low in my vagina and it feels tender to me.







But the cramps aren't too bad yet. I hope that because its so early there isn't much pain.

Stay strong mama and I'm sorry the family isn't very supportive.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

Sadly I know how this feels... thinking of you...


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## geiamama (Feb 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
II didn't think I could do this, but I did. And I am. I'm really brave and strong and so are all of you!

Yes you are. And do you know what. It will get better. It will always hurt but the physical pain will ease and you'll begin to notice the sunshine between the clouds. LO may be gone in body but he/she will always have a home in your heart.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
And why do I feel like I have to defend that I lost a BABY? People seem to feel that this wasn't much of anything or that it wasn't a baby. It was a baby to me. We shared a body, we were connected and we were one. It was one of my babies. A baby who is dead. Who I am birthing. And I really want that vindication or affirmation. I just don't know how to put it in words.

I was 7wks when I lost Rudd and 11wks when I lost Valimai. My mother told me that it was best to just pretend like I was never pregnant! Other's said I should be thankful because I wouldn't have gone on to have my DD Sera, which was crap as DH and I had decided to have as many children as possible and it was just them that wanted us to only have 2.

It really hurts what they said but I realised later on that they were either trying to make me feel better in a VERY clumsy, awkward way or that they were crippled by their own fear, especially the fear of 'jinxing' themselves and their pregnancies. It didn't make it hurt less but it did stop me focusing on their behaviour instead of my healing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
How are all you other mamas doing with this?

I named the children, planted a yellow rose tree and put little memorial markers next to it (it was actually quite hard to find some that didn't have paw prints on). We did it as a family and, although DD Dylan was a little too young to understand what was going on at the time, it helps him now to have somewhere to go. It particularly helped him during my latest pregnancy becuase he could 'talk' to his little sisters and ask them to look after the new baby if he/she went to the Summerland too.

My heart is still with you.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I am so sorry mama. There is nothing you can do to stop it or save the baby andit isn't your fault







s

I obsessively TTC my now 8 month old to deal with my loss... maybe not the best way but it helped to focus on opks and ttc rather than the loss


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## NewDirections (Jul 18, 2008)

I'm so, so sorry.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

thank you mamas. I feel so alone. You give me strength.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

I just can't believe this happened to me/us. Ykwim? I just feel so blindsighted. Like you arent' even supposed to THINK of this stuff. I was so worried about jinxing a pregnancy by even THINKING that something might go wrong. I did everything right! Took all the right herbs. Had all the right thoughts. I did everything right. I know it's not my fault, but it keeps creeping up that maybe it is. I dont' want to be embarassed or ashamed. I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable, but this is a big thing going on in my life and I SHOULD be able to share that with those close to me...my friends and what not. Why do I feel like everyone things my loss is contageous? A good friend told me "it's not a real baby. It's not like you lost a real baby. You have two other kids (ba'r) so you know it's not the same. And I said "but I DON'T know that. It feels the same to me. We shared a body, everything I ate s/he ate, we lived together, this baby was here, much longed for...I dreamed of nursing, holding, dressing, loving this baby. this baby WAS my child and I lost him. S/he was taken from me. ANd it hurts just as much."


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## geiamama (Feb 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
I know it's not my fault, but it keeps creeping up that maybe it is.

It's only natural. Logic tells you that it's not your fault but your heart is SCREAMING to LASH OUT at something, someone, anything, anyone. Shouting, swearing, screaming, crying and smashing every plate in the house helped me. It helped me get the anger out of my system so that I didn't turn it in on myself.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
I dont' want to be embarassed or ashamed. I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable, but this is a big thing going on in my life and I SHOULD be able to share that with those close to me...my friends and what not.

Yes you should. Just like they would expect to be able to share with you if something awful happened to them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
A good friend told me "it's not a real baby. It's not like you lost a real baby. You have two other kids (ba'r) so you know it's not the same. And I said "but I DON'T know that. It feels the same to me.

IT IS A REAL BABY. You need to grieve not just the pregnancy but the child that s/he was going to be, the dreams that you had, the future that's no longer going to happen. It's awful to go through and pretending that it isn't helps no-one.


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## zannster (Aug 12, 2004)

I'm sorry. I am going through the same thing now. I was 5.5 weeks. Bleeding and cramping started yesterday. For a while I tried to convince myself it was just a little harmless bleeding, but then the cramping set in (for me, very similar to menstrual cramps), and I passed some heavier tissue last night. It wasn't anything identifiable, but I can't imagine still being pregnant now.

From what I've read, there is nothing you or anyone else could have done about it, and you should set your relative straight. Don't let them guilt you into thinking you did anything wrong.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

I have to tell all of you ladies that I rush just to come on line to read this thread and others in the loss forum. I feel like no one else understands me. I remember friends telling me they miscarried, and I would always say that I was so sorry and just try and listen but I never really UNDERSTOOD!

Now I do.

And I feel like I need to reach out to every woman in the whole world who has been through this or is goign through this. I jsut want to hear their stories and just be so sad with them. I feel like I'll never be able to bounce back. I feel like I'm beeing maudlin and dramatic about this. I'm in the heavy bleeding/post contractions part of this and I feel like everyone around me is like "get over it, why are you milking this?!"

Um, cause I'm still in it. And I don't consider this milking. I REALLY feel this way. What do they want me to do? Just go on?

I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to extend myself in anyway. I'm tired all the time. It's physically and emotionally exhausting. I want to be close with my husband...but he's so busy with picking up all the slack with the kids and whatnot. I know he hurts. But he also hurts that I'm angry at his family and the way they have behaved (long story, but I assure you, it's not good). He loves me. But he wants to defend them for totally indefensible things. He agrees that they are indefensible, yet he tries to find a way to defend them. Anyways, I'm rambling. I just dont know where to turn.

I birthed two kids "naturally". The second at home. I was so brave. Not scared of anything. But I feel like I can't face this. I try to "escape" by reading by being disconnected from my body and the world.

I feel in a tailspin.

When I spoke with my mother (less than 48 hours after the miscarriage started) she was like "what's wrong?"

I was in total shock.

"um, you KNOW what's wrong? My baby's dead and leaving my body!"

"What? You're still bleeding? Maybe you should have that checked out."

I mean, she doesn't understand, and I'm awfully glad she doesn't. But I feel like I need someone who DOES. Someone to walk me through this. Hold my hand.

It's so sad. It's so unfair.

I can't believe this happened to me. That should have been my child! That should have been a sibling to our children. We wanted him/her so much. The kids were kissing my belly. And I feel like I'm all to blame.

I shouldn't have told them. But I just wanted to involve them.

I shouldn't have gotten attached. But I just wanted to bond and be present.

I shouldn't have made the assumption that because I was pregnant meant that I was going to have a baby. But, isn't that what you are SUPPOSED to feel?

I hate myself. I hate this. I hate everyone who is telling me all of their thoughts and advice on the matter, as if they are experts on life. I just want some courage, wisdom, patience and gentleness. I feel like a little child learning the most terrible thing about the world. When you are down and out and facing the worst...you're alone.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

It does get easier as the time passes...


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
It's so sad. It's so unfair.

I can't believe this happened to me. That should have been my child! That should have been a sibling to our children. We wanted him/her so much. The kids were kissing my belly. And I feel like I'm all to blame.

I shouldn't have told them. But I just wanted to involve them.

I shouldn't have gotten attached. But I just wanted to bond and be present.

I shouldn't have made the assumption that because I was pregnant meant that I was going to have a baby. But, isn't that what you are SUPPOSED to feel?

I hate myself. I hate this. I hate everyone who is telling me all of their thoughts and advice on the matter, as if they are experts on life. I just want some courage, wisdom, patience and gentleness. I feel like a little child learning the most terrible thing about the world. When you are down and out and facing the worst...you're alone.

I feel like you are holding a mirror up to all the souls of moms who have lost babies. My heart cried all these same things when I lost my first baby, and it was only made worse by the people who didn't really care or seemed to think that I shouldn't be depressed over it because hey, just try again. I wanted to yell at them all, "Don't you understand? I don't want another baby! I want _this_ baby!"

There's always a part of you that will remember your baby. Yes, the pain goes away eventually, but this was still your much-loved child. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. If reading helps you forget for a few minutes, that's ok. When you finish your book and you cry again, that's ok too. Grief is instinctive; just go with it. I bawled for four months. I cried in the shower. I wailed in the car. It's true that nobody else will really understand. After all, you were the only one who was totally connected to your child. As women, the greatest joy in the world is our connection to our babies, and our greatest pain is when that connection is lost. It doesn't matter if it happens at 5 weeks or 5 years or 50 years.

My heart aches for you. I know how hard it is to walk through the pain you are facing. I know you will make it. When you are on the other side, sometimes you will feel like it made you stronger, and sometimes you won't.

I'm sorry you feel so alone right now. I hope you know someone IRL who will hold you and cry with you.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

thank you mom to j.j.

I will be okay. I will get through this. Hopefully, this is the worst thing we will ever go through personally or as individuals in our family. Or for anyone for that matter.

I just really want world peace, I think is what it is. I just really want for everyone to live safe and healthy lives where there is no harm or fear. Where we can all just be good and loving and gentle with one another.

I realize that i have to manifest that in myself before I can see it manifested in the world around me.

I just want this experience to be for good. I'm not trying to just say some empty words, but I know it sounds so cliche. I really REALLY do just want for this experience that I am having and that so many of us have had to just be an appeal to the Creator for a True and Everlasting Peace.

And I believe that this little soul, all of these little souls that we create...well I believe that they are there and that it was for good that they were created, even if they didn't live to see their grandchildren's grandchildren.

I feel stronger and I feel more human. I feel more connected to so many womyn out there. I hope that we all can feel that way towards one another. To see the commonality of our collective humanity. All of the pain and suffering and how we all hate it. How we all just want to live our simple lives with our spouses and children and families and just be well.

I'm having a lot of fear issues right now. I started visualizing my own death. The death G-d Forbid of my children. My husband. My parents. People I love. It's like I've had these visions of everyone dying or being taken away from me and they are so vivid and I suddenly feel so afraid of everything. Afraid to shower. Afraid to leave the house. Afraid that something will happen to my children.

I am actually looking at my two children and thinking, and it feels so terrible to even SAY this, but I'm thinking "maybe there is something wrong with them, too." Like maybe they have whatever thing ended life for this baby and they will have the same fate. Tonight I made my 2 year old son promise that he would grow up to see his grandchildren's grandchildren's granchildren. Granted, he had my breast in his mouth, but he complied.









It's like, I keep thinking that any moment can be any person's last and I'm jsut totally freaked out.

I want to ttc again....but then again, I'm so afraid that I don't.

I don't know how to protect myself or my kids or my husband.

I keep telling him "I'm sorry." and then crying. DH says it's not my fault. And just when I think I'm sold on that I have another relapse of "I'm sorry."

I did everything right, yk? It's not like I secretely wished anything bad. Or did anything bad. I was of right body, mind and spirit. So I KNOW that it's not something I did. My intellect tells me that with conviction. But that little voice keeps popping up in the back of my brain, pointing an accusitory finger and inevitably it lands on me, after making the rounds, of course.

The fear is so overwhelming. It's what I really want to conquer. How do you go on with trying to concieve with a fear of this happening again...even LATER in the pregnancy.

I had an early miscarriage, and while I have no doubt that the love was the same, the literal physical pain of the miscarriage...well, based on what I felt at not even 6 weeks, I can only imagine what it feels like even later.

How do you ever feel at peace and enjoy the pregnancy?

How do you go on from here?

And, to come back to the present moment, how long does this miscarrying go on? I think I've passed all the "tissues". It seems to just be bright red/orange blood. Occasionally I'll get a bit of something black. Sorry if TMI. But I really don't know whereelse to ask these questions. I don't really want to be fondled at a doctors office, or deal with all of the cold medical attitudes or terms. It's been 4 full days of bleeding and things are still going strong. I only go through a few cloth pads in a 24 hour period, so I'm not bleeding excessively or anything. And like I said, its mostly just red blood right now, like water, in other words, just the "liquid" and no solid parts. SO how long does this go on? Usually my periods are 2 days of heavy bleeding and the rest is tapering off...for a grand total of 5 days. I realize that this is NOT a normal period, but when should I be getting worried? Or would excessive bleedign or pain be the only concern? How long did this last for some of you, if you don't mind sharing? I've read as much as two weeks, but then heard about as little as one day...

Thank you everybody. I wait for your reply with bated breath. As I said before, this is kind of all I've got. So your words weigh heavily with me and are really truly helping me see my way through this.


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## zannster (Aug 12, 2004)

Wow, that sounds like a lot of blood and tissue. I know that they said it is often like a heavy period, but mine hasn't been that much. I had some moderate bleeding yesterday, some thicker (more solid) parts during the night, and then light-to-moderate bleeding today. Maybe mine is just going to last longer. *sigh*

I really identified with the stuff you said about involving your children. That's so hard to explain. I had been priming my son with information about becoming a big brother, telling him how big the baby was, etc....and then I had to try to explain otherwise. Makes me wish I had just not mentioned it at all to him.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

My loss at 5 weeks was pretty rapid with 2 days of heavy bleeding, and few more days of medium bleeding, overall a bit heavier and longer than af, but not going on for weeks and weeks.
I terrible throughout it, but at least it didn't drag on.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

thanks, yeah, I went through only one pad today, so it seems to really be slowing down now.

Now I'm just really, REALLY sad. It's hard to believe that it's been 5 days already. I wonder what my body will do next. I wonder if I'll ovulate. I wonder if/when i'll get pregnant again. I wonder if this will happen again. And when.

The fear is really what is consuming me right now. Fear of the unknown...AND the known.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

I'm amazed reading through this thread. I think every thought and emotion you hit is one I've had too. I'd LOVE to go through with detail, for hours, just confirming every single thing - validating it all.

But. I just miscarried too and am not up to the task. You know the feeling! So here's some huge things I thought of:

You talked about wanting validation that he/she is a REAL baby. Totally is! Things that can help are giving the baby a name that you would've given if he'd actually lived. You can really respect your child through his name. You can include him in the number when people ask how many kids you have, and include his name when you list them. You can wear her name somewhere prominent on your body (like jewelry). Put up a stocking for her at Christmas. And for us, we "picked" a gender - just to make sure our baby isn't referred to as "it."

LOTS of us have had those same nasty family problems. In fact, the 4 grandparents (and other family members) have no idea I ever conceived the baby we just lost.

The first time I lost a baby, I spent hours reading through all the old threads on this forum. (The forum has many pages you can thumb through.) I found TONS of understanding just by reading those.

Don't feel bad about letting your kids in on you being pregnant, or for attaching to your baby. They'd eventually wished they'd known at the time. And it's good that you took your one opportunity to attach. (I missed mine this time, being so afraid I'd lose this one too. I regret it now.)

Oh, and you mentioned praying. You also seem big on writing out your thoughts. So it's worth mentioning a thing I often suggest: prayer journaling. Maybe it'd help you. After losing our first, I grabbed a spiral notebook, wrote "To God" on the first page, and poured my heart out. I haven't stopped 2 years later.

Ok. I'm weary and need to go. But we understand. You and your baby are SO important.

Much love.
Prayin'


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## mom-to-jj (Sep 8, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
I want to ttc again....but then again, I'm so afraid that I don't.

I don't know how to protect myself or my kids or my husband.

I keep telling him "I'm sorry." and then crying. DH says it's not my fault. And just when I think I'm sold on that I have another relapse of "I'm sorry."

I did everything right, yk? It's not like I secretely wished anything bad. Or did anything bad. I was of right body, mind and spirit. So I KNOW that it's not something I did. My intellect tells me that with conviction. But that little voice keeps popping up in the back of my brain, pointing an accusitory finger and inevitably it lands on me, after making the rounds, of course.

The fear is so overwhelming. It's what I really want to conquer. How do you go on with trying to concieve with a fear of this happening again...even LATER in the pregnancy.

I had an early miscarriage, and while I have no doubt that the love was the same, the literal physical pain of the miscarriage...well, based on what I felt at not even 6 weeks, I can only imagine what it feels like even later.

How do you ever feel at peace and enjoy the pregnancy?

How do you go on from here?

And, to come back to the present moment, how long does this miscarrying go on?

I think fear is a natural response to a miscarriage. No one who goes through this pain once ever wants to have it happen again. My first pregnancy ended in a blighted ovum. I was terrified it would happen again. All during my pregnancy with my son, I had to fight thoughts that I was going to lose him, too. When my water broke and I started packing my hospital bag, I even listened to his heartbeat once more on my doppler. I would never have voiced this at the time, but the reason I did was because I thought I might be hearing his heartbeat for the last time, that he might die during labor, that I might not really be bringing a baby home after all.

I wish I could tell you that after my son was born, strong and healthy, I was able to put the fear aside and not worry, but it's not true. He is 17 months old, and I still creep into his room to make sure he's breathing. I _know_ he's not just going to stop breathing, but I can't help it.

Every loss leaves a scar. The pain fades, but that doesn't mean we don't remember it. Every woman who chooses to get pregnant commits an act of bravery and courage. There are no guarantees for any of us...only hope. I posted here somewhere that the reason I can TTC after a loss that really broke my heart and shattered my faith in anything being right and fair was this: I have weighed the potential for heartache against the potential for joy and chosen to pursue joy.

You asked if you are ever at peace and able to enjoy the pregnancy. I loved being pregnant with my son. I cherished every kick. I would lie awake at night not wanted to sleep because I hated to miss a single movement. It was because of my prior loss that I had such a tremendous appreciation for every second I had with my next baby. So yes, yes, there is beauty and joy and peace to come.

Your loss is so fresh, your pain is so real right now. The fear and doubt are magnified by the turmoil you're going through. In a couple of weeks or months, you may feel much more at peace about trying again or even waiting for a while.

I'm glad your bleeding is slowing down. For me, that physical reminder of the miscarriage was almost unbearable. I think my bleeding lasted about 10 days. My next cycle was a little longer than normal (maybe a week or so), but it regulated very quickly. I drank lots of Red Raspberry Leaf tea to help my body function effectively, and it was therapeutic for me to feel like I was doing _something_ to get back to normal when everything else in my life seemed so out of control.

Hugs and hope to you!


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

Thank you, both of you most recent posters. I am really just processing what you are saying right now and am so very sorry for both of your losses. I wish this "loss" factor never existed.

I think it's over. I mean, I suppose the spotting could start again. But it seems to be over...so, now I just wait and watch.

And try to get brave. B"H I have two beautiful children that I love so much. I feel on the one hand that I want to detach from them, so that I won't feel this pain if something were to, G-d Forbid, ever happen to them. On the other hand, I love them both so much. I just want to be there with them and there for them and dream of watching them get old and grey and having their own grand children and great grandchildren and great great grandchildren...

I can't thank all of you enough. Thank you.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

Glad the spotting is easing off. It's good to get to that point that you can sigh and feel relief that your body's normal again. (Even if it technically should be the pregnancy version of normal.) I hope you feel that relief soon.

Since you mention your first 2 kids... After losing our 2nd, I was obsessed with the safety of my dh. Took months before I felt peace about him.

And now, I find myself unable to sleep at night, putting my hand on his ribs every 10 minutes to make sure he's breathing. I'm doing the obsessive mommy thing - but with him.

I've also wanted to detach. I wanted to detach from dh after our 2nd, I want to now, and I unintentionally detached from this 3rd baby while he was in me.

Baby's aren't supposed to die. It makes everything feel unstable for a while.

By the way, if there was something you talked about earlier in the thread, that you still really want a comment about, let us know.


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## Chavelamomela (Sep 25, 2006)

Oh, JulRiv, I just saw this thread and I am so sorry. There is nothing I can say or write that can make this better and I can't say I understand, but I can't because I haven't experienced this kind of loss. I can say that pain is pain is pain and I know you must be hurting.

And it's not about getting past the pain (which is what everyone around you seems to expect you to do right now) - because, you just can't. You need to be able to mourn this loss, and talk about it, and feel it (or distract yourself from it, if that's what you need). But until you go through that grieving process (and that can take time), you can't just "bounce back" to your old self...because you will never be your old self.

As you know, I never experienced this kind of loss, but I do know the pain of infertility. Your pain is real, and not something that can just be pushed under the carpet.

You may need to sit your DH down and say "I know you're trying to give your family the benefit of the doubt, but right now, that hurts me even more when you talk like that, so I need you just to listen to my pain, let me vent, and not try to defend their actions - right now, I just need you to support me."

I am so sorry Julriv. Let yourself cry, let yourself breathe.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

well, another one of the many mamas I have been helping just got pregnant. Literally on the heals of my miscarriage. I'm very happy for her, of course. But the feeling is overwhelmingly sad. Espically since that should have been me. Espically since we would have experienced it all together. I'm am really happy for her, but I just feel so empty inside. Like, where is my magic fairy who will save me from this experience.

I'm ready to talk a little bit more about what is going on in my husband's family, the only "family" we have in this country.

The night of the miscarriage, I was hosting a holiday dinner on par with Christmas (in other words, a SUPER BIG DEAL) for 11 people. We called to tell my mil that I had been preganant (she hadn't known) and was now miscarrying. I was a wreck. My mil said "so does that mean she can't make us dinner now?" It was insane. My dh told her that I had made most of the food the day before, but could she please come and hurry because I would be contracting/birthing/resting and she would need to serve guests. Never did she ask if it would be better if she didn't come.

She said okay, she's as good as on her way.

In the end, without calling or letting us know in any way, every last one of the family decided not to come. It had nothing to do with my miscarriage. It had to do with 3 carfulls of people all deciding last minute that they dont need to keep their promises to have a family holiday dinner together and due to mil/fil's car "Breaking down" 15 min away from our house. They ended up getting a ride home (35 min away), but couldn't be troubled to drop by, despite the fact that I was bleeding and my baby was dying and they were literally down the road. Even though we were expecting them and their extended family to visit.

Now, we don't use the phone or electricity at all during holidays, being religiously observant. This is a fact that everyone knows. Nothing new here. But we did arrange with the family that if they call over and over again, we will pick up. We've asked them to only use this "out" for life or death cirumstances, where we would actually be able to save a life by picking up the phone.

So, the next morning my sil calls repetedly.DH answers the phone and sil is screaming at him (the preferred method of communication in that family). She says that we (dh and me) have crossed the line, and totally disrespected his parents. Why? Because we didn't call to see that they were okay. Why would we need to do that when they were in a procession of 4 cars? What were the odds that all 4 cars worth of people would perish simotaniously? But I digress. The real issue is that neither of us worried about them for even a moment. This isn't the first time they have pulled something like this (just not shown up when they assured us they would come...like to take dd when I was in labor with ds, etc...) but also, I was in day 1 of my miscarriage. Sorry, but I had other more pressing things on my mind then the fact that they were up to their own tricks again.

SO, sil tells dh that he must call his parents to find out what happened. Dh explains that we are religiously observant (which she knew) and that we can not make a phone call until evening (which she also knew, she also claims that she is religiously observant). So she tells him that they were driving without water, car overheated. They were stuck at a gas station for 4 hours! (and where were the other 3 cars in the procession? "WHAT other cars? No one else was coming.")

After the holiday, we call his parents. Well, dh calls them. They share sil's sentiment. They blame us for not calling THEM to see how they are. And the tell us that we worried them cause they thought I might have been in the hospital due to complications fromthe miscarriage (so if you friggin care so much, why not just come when you say you will...a taxi could have gotten you here in FIFTEEN MINUTES!!!) Anyways, this is all our fault. ANd we should be ashamed. This is going into day 2 of my miscarriage. No mention was made of my health or what I was goign through, btw. Oh, and here's the kicker. Aparently they knew that 7 people had all cancled well before the event. Why didn't they tell us? Because they thought that there might be a small possibility that they'd still want to come and wanted to make sure that I'd made enough food. I know. Can you believe this? So there I was, on the last day of my preganancy, slaving away for this 5 or 6 course meal for 11, when all along...

Then dh calls sil. SHe is still defending her parents. She is also 6 weeks further in her pregnancy than I was. Which makes this really sick. I, eventually, get on the phone with her (again, day 2 of my miscarriage) and tell her that she is also pregnant. How can she be so cold. My baby just died.

"That's not important right now....what's important is the lack of regard and respect you have for my parents."

I said "stay out of issues that have nothing to do with you. Whatever is going on is between us and your parents. Not you. There is one way to salvage the relationship right now, and that is to say 'I'm sorry for your loss, and I'll speak with you at a more convienent time.'"

She retorts with "Now listen here sweetheart..."

So I totally went off. I cursed her. Told her that from here on out any negativity or hurtfulness she brings to my house, through the phone or elsewhere should be on HER head. I won't accept it. It should only affect her negatively.

She hangs up on me. DH rushes to call her and "smooth things over". Aparently, since I was miscarrying, I "Cursed her" with the same thing (even though I NEVER said that or wished that on anybody...but the assumption was that I was "contageous" and wishing her harm was obviously towards her baby...after all, what else would I have to be so angry about?!)

I went to our spiritual advisor and had some words with him. He said to cut the family out, just for the week. Maybe two. This has happened before, multiple times. Which he knew. So, anyways, he just tells us to focus on healing and getting better. And we'll talk in a week. Don't make any decisions.

A couple days pass. We end up at the grocery store. My husband goes to run an errand for 15 min, so I'm alone with the kids. And as we are shopping for a few things, I see my sil. She's alone (her 3 other kids are at home with her dh). I'm under strict orders to have no contact whatso ever with the family, so I immediately duck into the next isle. I'm sure she hasn't seen me. But I'm shaking from anger, hurt and pain. I'm feeling like I"m being followed, but I don't put two and two together until she approaches me, gets right up into my face and says in a raised voice and accusitory tone "You could say 'hello', it's not like I'll HURT you." and immediately rushes off.

Well, my children say "wasn't that Aunt..."

Um, yes. Yes it was.

"Why did she do that to you? Why didn't she say anything to us?"

I look up, she's eyeing me from afar. I realize she is totally crazy. Around this time, I begin spotting again (bleeding). I'm shaking. I feel dizzy. I tell the kids we need to leave the store NOW. (I have to interject here that my bil, whom we, meaning me and the kids, no longer have any contact with, physically assulted me a week after I gave birth, in my own house. This was also over something my mil/fil did and didn't concern them whatsoever, they just felt they had to protect their parents' "honor". Anyways, SIL was right by his side, screaming and yelling at me. And though she didn't physically attack me, it has never left me with an easy feeling. I always felt like that was just around the corner.)

Anyways, I start to leave, with my kids and milk in the cart but sil starts chasing after me again. I dont' say a thing but try to get away from her. I go down one isle, I think I've lost her, but then I see her at the other end, she's cut me off and she's speeding right towards me, glaring at me. I turn around and go down another isle. I start calling my dh. Every 2 min, from his phone record. I get lost in a crowd and managed to get to the checkout line. I'm still calling dh. I'm still looking over my shoulder. It was terrifying because she was truly looking for another altercation and didn't want to let me leave the store. Finally I get ahold of dh as I am out in the parking lot.

He comes and immediately tells me that "she just wanted to say 'hello'. I feel like I"m in the twilight zone. He tells me that SHE wouldn't hurt me. Shes family. Um, no, she's not. We drive straight to our spiritual advisor. He tells us to call the police if she comes near again in a threatening way and schedules an appointment to see us the next day.

He speaks with dh, who comes to me saying "I'm sorry. Tell me what happened. It was just a shock to me that she could do something like this..."

And basically, that is where we are today.

I had stopped bleeding the day I went to the grocery store. By the time I came home, I had spotted again, but just in the store. Since then, no more bleeding.

SO now, we didn't only loose our baby, but it looks like we lost (final straw) the only "family" we had here.

Of course, this is only a "brief" summary, but this is pretty much what I"m going through right now.

On a related note, I am really struggling with the spiritual component to this. I've been told that this isn't a "baby"in our tradition, but for me, it/she/they really was/were.

I had a middle name picked out for her. I had already fought my husband about it. It was for my grandmother. I'm thinking of just going with the fact that there was only one baby and it was a girl just so that I can do this some justice in my mind, heart and soul. I'm thinking of giving the middle name to her as her first name. So that I can mark her/him/them. But on the other hand, it just feels so weird not knowing the gender and with my religion not behind me on this one, it feels kind of sacreligious to go against that belief.

What do you ladies think?


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## geiamama (Feb 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jul511riv* 
What do you ladies think?

I think that you are the strongest woman I have ever met. I think that you have shown such patience and generosity of spirit with people that clearly don't deserve it.

I think, and I don't mean to cause any religious offence in this statement so if I do PLEASE let me know, that God would not object to you recognising that the child within you was indeed a child. He would not have allowed you to feel the baby was a baby if it were not indeed a baby. God is love and to allow you to suffer over a baby that 'isn't really a baby' seems more like cruelty than love. (I say all this as a Pagan who doesn't believe in a monotheistic Judeo-Christian or Islamic deity so my understanding is somewhat limited by my lack of knowledge of other peoples religious observences so if I have offended please forgive me.)

I think that you need to cut these people out of your life completely not just for a week. I understand it would be hard but if I were in your shoes I would refuse to allow those people into MY home or around MY family. I would refuse to allow them to ring MY home or speak to MY children. These people are so completely toxic. If my DH felt that he couldn't or wouldn't cut them out of his life (which would raise serious questions for me about how much he valued me as a wife if he were willing for me to be treated to appalingly) then I would suggest that he get himself a mobile phone that he could ring and that he visit them at their homes ALONE without the children.

I also want to say that I am currently losing #5 at 5wks. It's not the first time that I have had to go through this, though it is the earliest, and this thread has been a blessing to me. Knowing that I am not alone in how I feel and seeing your strength has left me inspired and greatly comforted. Thank you.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Egads woman! Cut the family out out out. Scary weird!


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## *Jade* (Mar 13, 2007)

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

I miscarried 2 weeks ago, at 4.5 weeks, so I totally get the connection you have, even though it has been such a short time







: I can't imagine going through a miscarriage with all that family drama going on, so I hope everything calms down for you.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

thank you all. i think it was really important for me to get this all down in writing. and yes, we are in the process of figuring out how to cut them out.


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