# Unplanned Pregnancy.....I don't know what to do.....



## guest (Sep 7, 2005)

Cynthia has allowed me to post this as GUEST.......I was not sure where to post this. Move it if necessary.

I am suddenly in a position that I never thought I would find myself in. I found out, on Mother's Day no less, that I am pregnant. My DH and I have 3 children already. We always wanted 4 but realized after 3 that we could not handle any more. My birth with number 3 was awful. I homeschool al three of our kids and we all live in a tiny house that we can all barely fit in.

My DH was making plans for a vastectomy. I am just speechless. I am devastated. I do not want to be pregnant again. I am still nursing our third child and the thought of even nursing another babe is just beyond me.

I am morally opposed to abortion. I do have a faith in God and while I always have believed that it should be legal, I never thought I would decide that for rmyself. Now I have been thinking about it constanty. DH said this morning that he really does not want more kids~~he feels very burdened financially already & he thinks that I canot handle one more in the mix.

I am just beyond many words right now. I am heartbroken. I feel like either decision will be a bad one. I apologize to all you mamas that have lost babies & are TTC~~~I do not take this lightly. I also know there are alot of mamas on this board who have many children & can handle that. I do not think I can. This is the most important choice I am ever going to make.

I have another concern too. Our families are not exactly gonna be thrilled. I find myself a little ashamed abot getting pregnant again. People we know will be very judging about this and although I KNOW that their opinions are irrelevant, it will still be upsetting.

Has anyone been in my shoes? I know that this is a very sensitive topic so I understand completely if you fell you cannot be candid.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

((HUGS))

I haven't been in your shoes but you have my support no matter what you decide.

I'd seriously consider getting some private counseling for you and your dh so that you both talk about your concerns and your options. You both need support through this.


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

I'm sorry you're in such a hard place.

This might sound kind of silly but it really helps to make a list of the pros and cons. Write everthing you can think of under each category. It helps to get it out on paper so you can really look at it and contemplate it. The main thing is, this has to be _your_ choice. Don't let yourself be pressured either way. In the end it has to be what you have decided is best for _you_.

I haven't been in your shoes but I really feel for you.


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## saintmom (Aug 19, 2003)

Yes I've been in the place you are now.







In hindsight I wish I'd had enough sense to just take it one day at a time.I endured the comments from freinds and family,dh's job wasn't all that great,I'd quit teaching to homeschool,my delivery with dd had'nt been a picnic etc,etc etc,Fast forward 13 yrs,no4,was a beautiful healthy ds.It was the one of the quickest, easiest deliveries of them all.He's a brillant handsome young man.I'm glad he's here in our family.I've learned to be very thankful for lifes unexpected blessings,to be proud of being a mom of a large family in a world were smalls the norm.Yes there are days when I CAN'Tdo this,that's when I step back and give everybody a major break from school or whatever,but I also know I'm gonna have THOSE days no matter where i am or what I'm doing.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.Just listen to your heart.


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## nikirj (Oct 1, 2002)

I have nothing constructive to offer - just







and support. In your position I might consider open adoption but would definately go to councelling with DH and would certainly not make a decision for at least several weeks. Again, nothing really constructive - just







s for you.


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## OnTheFence (Feb 15, 2003)

Dear Guest,

I am one to look at things on the flip side, so here it goes. ( FTR, I messed up my FA/NFP this past month and I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant -- something my DH would not be happy about)

If you have a strong faith in God or a higher power, accept this pregnancy as part of that plan, work through the initial shock and make adjustments in your family to welcome this little one. Babies really do not cost that much. Milk is free and being that you have three others, well I am sure there are plenty of hand me downs. Try to find the humor and joy even though their is hardships, bills, and that you are tired. I really do not see how you could go through an abortion if you morally oppose them. You may have some real regret and emotional turmoil from it. Sometimes forgiving ourselves is a hard thing to do.

While adoption is a wonderful option I would like to say a few things about that. I am an adoptive mom, but I will not advocate for you to place a baby for adoption. Having been in the adoption community online and locally for nearly six years I come with you with some knowledge and experience on this subject.
First, adoption is a difficult thing to do. Adoption while it may seem like a solution to a problem it often creates even more. My son's oldest biological brother is still devastated that his mother placed him for adoption. Her mother (his grandmother) feels that she made a mistake as well. Placing a baby for adoption affects everyone, it can ruin relationships, it can hurt your older children and it can hurt the adoptee who was placed for adoption -- compounding rejection issues. While open adoption appears on the surface to be a great idea, it often is not. We were in an open adoption in which the birthfamily cut off contact because she couldnt handle it, hurting us, hurting Dylan. Open adoption relationships are tricky and complicated. In fact over the past year or so I have seen many open adoptions crumble and fall apart, boundaries crossed on both sides, emeshing that is unhealthy -- I could go on. I think many people do not take all these things into account when placing or adopting. Also you need to think about this child you carry and the overall feeling he or she may feel being placed for adoption once older, not having a relationship with his biological siblings -- the list goes on.

If you feel overwhelmed consider putting your older children in public school -- this could be temporary. Apply for WIC. Consider weaning your youngest child to give yourself a break until the next one. Do things that make you the best momma -- there is no need to be a martyr and things can change -- nothing has to be set in stone.

If abortion is something you really want to consider, how far along are you? A chemical abortion may be something to look into, or herbal abortion. I don't know if I can even mention herbal abortion here, I haven't heard it mentioned before -- but I have done them to hasten miscarriages to avoid D&C. The thing is, if you attempt one with herbs and it doesnt work its recommended to go ahead with a surgical abortion.

I'll be thinking about you,
Kim


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## layla (Jul 2, 2002)

Oh mama, how hard this must be for you. I agree with the others...let this be your decision, do not let your families influence you. I'm sure they don't agree with plenty of your decisions, but you must make the right ones for your family anyway. Maybe you can handle it. Financially, yes it will be more, but you do already have clothes and stuff that could be handed down. Maybe you could get a mothers helper or something from the local high school, they are cheap. Maybe you have a service that you could offer to others to supplement your income...do you sew? Bake great cakes? Walk dogs? You know, something not too burdensome. I have four children and I won't lie to you, I think it's tons of work. Some moms feel like it's easy as pie, but I feel overwhelmed a lot. But you know what? I wouldn't change that for anything. Be overwhelmed is part of the experience and I try to embrace it for that. It can't compare to the smiles on their faces or my two year old saying, "Happy Mudders Day." I also homeschool, so I know it's hard. You need love and support right now to make this decision. Don't tell your family yet. Bounce ideas off the mamas here, we won't judge you, only try to help and to offer our love and support. Good luck mama and Happy Mudders Day to you.


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## mamaley (Mar 18, 2002)

that's a horrible position to be in. i second the above suggestion for counseling. my now dh and i did that when we unexpectedly became pregnant, and it really helped.

what helped most (and i know my situation wasn't the very same) was to give myself a little time and to listen to that inner voice we all have, no matter what it says. i think in times like these, the best we can do is to go with our gut feelings, whatever they may be.

i'm thinking of you. and like someone else said, you have my support no matter what you choose. i know this has to be so hard. and on mother's day, no less.







please keep us posted.

love and peace to you.


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## Bippity (Sep 12, 2003)

Not much advice - just HUGS! Take it one day at a time - it's only been a few hours since you found out & the shock is fresh & new. You might feel completely differently in a few weeks. Pray, meditate, sleep, and don't decide too quickly. Keep an open mind - this is a decision that will affect you and your entire family. No matter what you decide it will be a complicated, emotional journey for years & years to come.


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## gethane (Dec 30, 2003)

I have been in your shoes.

I got pregnant with my third just 9 months after my second. My husband (now ex) didn't even want the second. When he found out I was preggers with my third he wanted me to have an abortion (he was pro-life in college, before HE was confronted with it). We were living in a group home for teenage boys. We were the teaching parents. We had a TINY 2 bedroom apartment within the larger grouphome. Obviously, three babies weren't going to all fit. We didn't even have a kitchen of our own. We had to go out into the larger grouphome. During the weekends when we were off (though our standard work week was 50 hours /week) other staff supervised the teenage boys, but the office was directly connected to our little apartment.

I called the abortion clinic and had them send me the information. I had to go get an ultrasound because since I was still bfing, and I hadn't ever had AF since my last, I had no clue how far along I was. I knew I'd have to be put under to do it, so that would increase the cost. My husband had another job, in addition to the group home, and that had our health insurance. He got fired right after we found out about the pregnancy. My marriage was on the rocks. I knew my parents weren't going to be thrilled, and I was afraid to tell them. In fact, I wrote them a letter instead of telling them in person or on the phone.

I worried constantly about how could I take care of my two existing kids with another baby already on the way again. I didn't want to cheat them.

Although I am firmly pro-choice, in the end, I couldn't do it. I never even seriously considered it. I didn't make an appointment or even pretend I was going to. My husband wanting me to have an abortion was pretty much the last nail in the coffin of my marriage, though we stayed married another 4 years, I never forgave him in my heart.

And I know this doesn't make your decision easier, I still have to say it. My beautiful 9, almost 10 year old, is in the gifted learners program at school. She's a gorgeous child and is wonderful with her newest baby brother (new husband, new baby







). I still think about the fact that I even considered aborting her, every... single... day. I know its a hard hard place you have found yourself in.

We ended up having to quit our job as teaching parents, moving back to Nebraska, and living with my parents for 10 months. But we did it. And I'm ever so grateful that having her forced me to make decisions that actually led to a better, happier life for all of us (well, except for the divorce, but what can you do).


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## guest (Sep 7, 2005)

Thanks you for all your kind words. I have not stopped crying all day & I have no one IRL to talk to so this place means the world to me.

I am mad at DH I think......I asked him to have a V since #3 was one. I asked that he please be careful & I avoided sex a lot figuring that abstinence was the best way until we could do something permanent. I am mad because he wants an abortion. I think it could drive a wedge between us.

I could not consider adoption because of my older kids. They would be devastated. I think it would cause them great harm.

I am trying to keep in mind that #2 was conceived when #1 was only 8 months old. It was shocking then, and now I look at my oldest two: "peanut butter & jelly" and I think it was serendipity. They are soul mates.

I am going to try to give it a day or two. Please keep me in your prayers~~I need a lot of help & a shoulder to cry on.
Thank you


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## RachelGS (Sep 29, 2002)

Hang in there, mama. Give yourself more than one day to recover from your shock so that you can check in with your soul. Do what is right for you. It will be okay. If you decide to have this baby, you have a long time until he / she arrives. Your littlest one will get bigger, and you'll have time to adjust to this curveball.

If you know that abortion doesn't feel right to you, you need to remember that despite your shock. You don't need to compound your pain by doing something that doesn't sit right with your heart. If you feel that abortion is acceptable, then just look into your gut feelings and make the choice that's right for your family.

Thinking of you, mama. You're going to make it through this, either way.


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## tricia80 (Oct 28, 2003)

I cannot really give out any advice on this... but i would like to give you







s and i will keep you in my thoughts...


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## Missinnyc (Aug 21, 2003)

I have never been in your exact situation, but I have been an unmarried 17 year old in her freshman year of college who is pg and has no support from her mother, who wants her to abort.
I think you should pray, if you believe in God, and see what he wants for you. I can't believe that a child can be anything but a blessing, even if they make things tough. I think that giving into your husband and having a abortion you believe is wrong would ruin your marriage, eventually. You have to be able to live with your decision. I am also morally against abortion, and I am so sad to hear you say you're considering it. I wil pray for you, that you can find a way to take care of another child. As another poster said, could you put the kids in public school temporarily, get WIC or public assistance, move to a cheaper city, etc?
I think your instinct of considering the relationship between your first and second is important. Your third and fourth might be just as close.
Good luck and I'll be praying for you.


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## boysrus (Dec 2, 2001)

wow, that is hard.
I vote for keeping it. Our third was convcieved after we had decided to leave our baby making up to God. I got pg almost immediately, Then I got really sick. Hyperemesis. We were very conservative Christians. I had two todlers that I could barely take care of. I would just sit some days and read the abortion ads in the yellow pages. I talked about going to stay with a friend of mine, 1000 miles away bc taking care of the kids was so hard. DH started talking about abortion. In the end, we couldnt have an abortion, we stuck together and pulled through it. He is now 3 and a hadnful, but the light of our life.
I think if you have an abortion, you will have a lot of guilt. I dont think everyone has guilt, but from what you are sayng about your religious beliefs, you will have it. I think if you hae the baby, it will be hard, but you will never regret it.
I am going to tell you what I said to my husbnd when he started talking about abortion(warning graphic!! I respect everyones decisions here, this was just my personal vision that I was given after dh started talking about abortion, so I shared it with him and I am sharing it with Guest, due to the fact that she is coming form the same religious belief system) "If you think we shoudl have an abortion, why dont you go get a knife and kill one of the two we have, because thats how an abortion will feel to us" That changed everything. The little bean went from being a problem to being a little person.
Kids really dont cost much. I am also really thinking that adding a fourth isnt as hard as adding a third. If your oldst are a little older, than they can help.
I agree that you should look at this as what God has given you and He will help you through
((Hugs)) Happy Mothers day.


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## melaniewb (Mar 14, 2003)

((((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry you are in this position. I really do feel for you. How far along are you? I would highly suggest talking with a counselor, pastor or good friend, if you can and waiting a little while before you do anything. Let the information really sink in and see how you feel in another week or two. Since you said you are morally opposed to having an abortion yourself, I would worry that if you choose that route that you would have a tremendous amount of guilt afterward. If you do decide to have one, definitely get counseling both before and afterward. You can always look at open adoption. There are so many wonderful people out there unable to have children who would love to adopt an infant.

Good luck with your decision and choice. You've mentioned that you believe in God, so please pray about this and see how He answers.


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## Plaid Leopard (Sep 26, 2003)




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## Plaid Leopard (Sep 26, 2003)

Hugs to you. Give yourself some time to think this through and listen to your heart. Good luck with whatever you decide is best for you and your family.


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## QueeTheBean (Aug 6, 2002)

Poor Guest . . .

Some lousy kind of mother's day, huh?

I have been in your situation, but with a twist . . .









(And I just posted this elsewhere, so forgive me if you read it somewhere else).

Back in the 60s, my very Cathoic parents had 4 children in as many years. At her post-partum checkup with #4, she asked her doctor for birth control and he (also Catholic), refused to give it to her. By the time she got to see a new doctor, she was pregnant with #5. She was quite upset about it (also worried about what family would say). Weren't quite so many options then, so, of course she had the baby, who turned out to be me!! She says she grew to be happy about the pregnancy, but things were certainly hard for awhile . . . and she did end up getting that birth control, as I am the last child in the family.

Anyway, I actually am pro-choice & can understand you considering an abortion. But that said, it surely is something to think looooooooong and hard about, and you should talk to someone in real life about what it would entail physically, emotionally, the whole shebang, and not just now, but in the long term.

Take some time. You don't need to decide this minute. You need to let the shock wear off--for you and for DH, as well.

So sorry you are going through this.


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## edamommy (Apr 6, 2004)

I have a SIL and a few friends that have either TRIED to become pregnant for years and years and years and are now waiting for an adopted infant or already have adopted an infant. These people (and the hundreds like them) are parents waiting for someone like you to give them a healthy baby to parent! You would be resolving their ongoing heart wrenching ache as well as solving your situation!

Good luck.
Kimberley


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## Artisan (Aug 24, 2002)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I understand why you feel adoption isn't an option, especially with older children.

I will say a prayer that the right decision will make itself quickly known to you.


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## happyhippiemama (Apr 1, 2004)

Just want to chime in with support. I don't have any real advice for you. I am ardently pro-choice, so I can understand you considering it - although you obviously aren't comfortable with that choice. I could say that you shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with, but of course that would mean that you wouldn't be in this situation at all right now, since having another baby prolly doesn't sit very well with you right now either.

wow, that was rambly. sorry.

I _almost_ had an abortion when I was pg with my dd (now 9 months). I went in for the appt, had the ultrasound, and it turns out I was too early. I was only 6 wks 5 days along, and they require you to be 7 wks along. They sent me out to the reception area and told me to reschedule. I took it as a sign, walked out, and never thought about it again.

I thought I was pg this past week (bf'ing makes my AF wacky, obviously, and I had a day-long aversion to coffee, which I live on, so I was suspicious). I cried and cried for the few hours until I could buy a test and take it (not pg - whew!!). I am a single momma, in college, no job, no support from my dd's biological father, wonderful emotional support but little financial support from my family, suffering from chronic depresssion... I could go on. I thought to myself, "I canNOT have another baby right now. I will go INSANE." I imagined keeping the baby. No dice. I imagined having an abortion. Broke my heart (as I sat on the couch and bf'd my beloved dd).

I still don't know what I would have decided if I _was_ pg, or if I do get pg anytime soon. I am so sorry that you are in this very hard situation. Please do look into counseling with your DH.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## whitecrew4 (Dec 28, 2002)

to you.
I'm so sorry you think you don't have anyone IRL to help, but maybe you do. The counselling idea is a great one, in my city we have quite a few crisis pregnancy centers and a hotline.
Listen to your heart.
I have 2 children right now, got pregnant with #3 and felt really overwhelmed, wasn't happy being pregnant, and then around 20 weeks my baby died from a cord accident and I felt SO guilty.
I actually messed up my NFP and got pregnant last month, it is not ideal timing, dh is having major work problems but I am not going to do anything that causes me to feel guiltly kwim? I am going to enjoy this pregnancy and thank God for His blessing.







guest


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

Just wanted to add my







s and to tell you to try to give it some time. I found out that I was PG - VERY UNPLANNED when DD was 14 months. I had a horrible time with it and we were planning on having another - just not so soon - I can only imagine how much harder this must be when you knew that you didn't want any more. I'll be thinking of you.


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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

I'll put mt two cents in since everyone else has.
First, I'm sending a hug. This is tough. I also have been in this situation. Abortion hurts forever, and caused my first divorce. We both ended up with so much guilt and harboured secret blame for the other for letting the abortion occur. We agonized over it even after the divorce, crying for the baby we felt we killed. I found out later with some group counseling that alot of couples split after an abortion. It just won't fix anything. It will cause you and your spouse pain and may cost the kids you already have their family.
I am not denying it will be hard to have 4 kids. Just that it will be harder not to.

With Love,


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## sun-shine01 (Aug 9, 2002)

No advice. Just hugs.


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## OnTheFence (Feb 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *vegiemom*
I have a SIL and a few friends that have either TRIED to become pregnant for years and years and years and are now waiting for an adopted infant or already have adopted an infant. These people (and the hundreds like them) are parents waiting for someone like you to give them a healthy baby to parent! You would be resolving their ongoing heart wrenching ache as well as solving your situation!

Good luck.
Kimberley


:::floored:::

Placing a child for adoption, deciding not to parent is not like giving a gift. Guest is not put on this earth to resolve other peoples infertility or make them parents or resolve their heart ache. Also, that isnt what adoption is about.

Adoptive mom,


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## lilmiss'mama (Mar 8, 2002)

oh mama,








s. I can understand your dilemma. I got pg when my oldest was 6 months. My dp didn't have a decent job and I felt we were kind of rocky as far as being together for the rest of our lives. I am pro-choice, no doubt about it, and I definetly considered abortion. I felt like I had enough on my plate with 1. In the end I didn't do it. My relationship with dp was definetly strained throughout the pg (even though he didn't want to do the abortion). I didn't want him to touch me, we rarely had sex and our communication wasn't good. We split when my youngest was a few months old. So, now I am a single mama with 2. Would it be easier with 1, yes probably. Could I imagine not having my baby, no. Seeing the girls together is wonderful and my little one is such a lovey cuddle munchkin. I can understand you feel overwhelmed with the 3 you already have. I don't know how people with 4, 5 ... kids do it. I think my limit is 2.
My point I guess is that there is not a perfect solution. This was hard for me, as I am always looking for one. Either of the options you have could end your marriage, cause strain in your marriage, cause pain and suffering. IMO, that isn't really the point though. You will do whatever is right for you and things will work out. This day will pass and the next one too; life will go on, ups and downs will come and you will get thru them. This is not just the end of life as you know it, it is the beginning of a new one, whatever you decide. And to me that is a beautiful thing.


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Guest*
I am going to try to give it a day or two. Please keep me in your prayers~~I need a lot of help & a shoulder to cry on.
Thank you

That is the best thing you can do!

I've been in your shoes and I cried for weeks. I wanted a third child. I really did. But the timing was terrible and I was sick of being pregnant.

Now he's almost 7 and he makes my world go round!

I know it is hard to see things that way when you are living it day by day.

Just take it one day at a time. It will take weeks to get used to the idea, and that is really what you have to do..


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## ekblad9 (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm sorry that you're so upset. I've been there at least two times. While I never considered abortion I did occasainally "hope" for miscarriage. I always thought I couldn't handle more. I would cry through entire pregnancies worrying about money, my time (we homeschool too), etc. My worry was unfounded as the next child just fits, KWIM? Let it sink in. My dh cried for weeks and weeks when I found out I was pg with #5. He loves our son (now 18 months) and can't imagine life without him. Hugs to you and your dh. I will pray hard for you both.


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## AnnMarie (May 21, 2002)

I know how you feel. With my older son I had no home of my own, no money, no job, his father just stopped talking to me one day ~ no explanations, and I was so sick I was bedridden. I am very much against abortion but I thought about it constantly too. I kept thinking, if only I believed in abortion, or maybe I should just do it.... I couldn't even connect with the baby all through my pregnancy. It was awful. I felt a lot of guilt over it, still do. I had my son and I had such a wonderful bond with him. It was a total turn around. I don't think I would have been able to live with myself had I aborted him. I made it through and he is here and I couldn't imagine my life without him. I am so glad I didn't make the wrong choice. He was a gift from God, and here I was thinking about giving that gift back. THAT would have been the mistake, not my son!








s


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## Overproducktion (Aug 31, 2003)

Mama, I've been in your shoes. I have 4 children. My family was thrilled, but dh's family shamed me for getting pregnant so many times at my young age.

We live in a 2bdrm home that is barely 1000sq ft. We are cramped BIG time. It will be this way for a while until we can start to remodel this summer--IF money allows.

We live paycheck to paycheck.

I work part-time graveyard and am going back to school to finish my degree this summer.

Dh works 6 days a week and I miss him at times.

It is so hard and I get scared at times.

But, now that all of my babies are here with me, I wouldn't change it for the world. We are happy and healthy....but broke.

I wish you the best and I will support you as a friend on any decision you make.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

wow, i would advise adoption too, IF you hadn't already said it would be too hard on your kids. & i hope boysrus' story didn't offend you, i really gasped when i read that. i will be here whatever you decide, but i have to say that a lot of kids probably start out as WHOOPS! & end up the light of their parents' lives.


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## BelovedBird (Apr 5, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *OnTheFence*
:::floored:::

You can say that again! Me too!

Quote:

Placing a child for adoption, deciding not to parent is not like giving a gift. Guest is not put on this earth to resolve other peoples infertility or make them parents or resolve their heart ache. Also, that isnt what adoption is about.

Adoptive mom,
Uhhuh

(((((((((GUEST))))))))))

I am so sorry for your struggle.
You have gotten alot of good advice here.
I hope you come to a decision that feels comforting.


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## boysrus (Dec 2, 2001)

I was not saying it to offend her. If she had said she is prochoice, I would not have posted that comment at all. But, she is morally opposed to abortion. So, I was posting from that POV.

If she chooses abortion or finds that comment offensive, I will remove it


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## kimberlylibby (Dec 28, 2003)

I found out in early December that I was pregnant.

My husband had a vasectomy 2 weeks before that. I was *NOT* happy. In fact, I had floods of emotions that I never expected and ended up very very depressed. I ended up going on meds and things are MUCH better.

I can tell you that over time, my feelings of sadness went away. I am now GENUINELY thrilled for this baby.

But 5 months ago, I was DEVESTATED. I prayed that God would take my baby. I was seriously in an AWFUL place spiritually.

I've struggled with miscarriages and loss, and I wanted nothing to do with fertility again in my whole life! As far as I was concerned I was DONE.

It was VERY VERY hard to go through emotionally, but I really think it was a necessary journey for me as a woman. This pregnancy has ended up being VERY spiritually healing to me.

(((hugs))) mama.

Kimberly


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## LavenderMae (Sep 20, 2002)

Oh mama I wish we could sit down and have a heart to heart. I am so sorry you have been faced with this. I wish I could give you some great advice that would make this hard decision easier for you, however I can't. I have no idea what I would do if I was you, eventhough I am pro-choice and have had an abortion I still just don't know. It is an incredibly heart breaking place to be. Do a lot of soul searching and try not to let what your dh wants over-ride what you feel is right to do. Of course he has a right to have an opinion but ultimately it is up to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and feel free to PM me.


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

Guest-







and praying for you. I am sorry that you have no one IRL to talk to, I suggest checking out a Crisis Pregnancy Center in your area for someone to talk to, and keep posting your feelings here if need be, just find someone supportive to talk through it with.


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boysrus*
I was not saying it to offend her. If she had said she is prochoice, I would not have posted that comment at all. But, she is morally opposed to abortion. So, I was posting from that POV.

If she chooses abortion or finds that comment offensive, I will remove it


i am prolife- the comment didn't offend me so much as shock me with its directness, if that makes sense. hope i didn't offend YOU, boysrus!


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## georgia (Jan 12, 2003)

Just wanted to send my love and positive thoughts to you. We've just experienced a really awful financial situation, and we're expecting our third (surprise) baby. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster right now....mostly hanging out around the bottom. Today I've felt like I'm going to break into a million pieces. You are not alone in your sadness and worry about the future!

I'm so glad to hear you're going to give yourself some time to let things sink in. It's perfectly ok to have whatever emotion comes up. It doesn't make you a bad person. You don't have to have all the answers......and things don't have to be perfect.

Sending my support......


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## kimberlylibby (Dec 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *georgia*
I'm so glad to hear you're going to give yourself some time to let things sink in. It's perfectly ok to have whatever emotion comes up. It doesn't make you a bad person. You don't have to have all the answers......and things don't have to be perfect.









:

Exactly!! It is PERFECTLY okay to feel upset. It is NORMAL to feel any emotion that you feel! You are ENTITLED to your feelings!

I had so many people tell me that I had no right to feel X or Y. But ya know what, I *DID* feel X AND Y and I had every single right to feel that way.

I am thinking of you (((hugs))).


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## QueeTheBean (Aug 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lilmiss'mama*
My point I guess is that there is not a perfect solution . . . IMO, that isn't really the point though. You will do whatever is right for you and things will work out. This day will pass and the next one too; life will go on

This is so important, IMO, that I just had to take the liberty of pulling it out from Lilmiss'mama's post!

There is no perfect solution. There will be some heartache no matter what you decide, but you and your family will make it through this. Just give it more time and you will know the best route to take.


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

Because you stated that you have moral objections to abortion, I would counsel you against having one. I think it's different if one does not believe that pregnancy is a Life deserving of consideration as an individual with rights, you aren't comparing apples to apples, but if you have felt for some time in your life that a fetus is an individual then losing it is going to impact you more.

I also want to tell you a couple of things you probably already know. First, babies don't really cost that much. Second, you know the minute you lay eyes on your baby you will love it as fiercely as your other three kids.

I think part of your worry is due to "what other people will think". This is a legitimate feeling! But you must recognize it for what it is. My DH and I were recently faced with having "the conversation" about under which circumstances we would consider termination of a pregnancy (due to severe abnormalities or chromosomal disorders like trisomy 18, for example). We realized that the biggest hurdles we were having was thinking about how other people would judge us based on our feelings and decisions. Once we recognized it for what it was, we could put it aside and search within ourselves in peace.

I am very pro-choice, and have no "issues" with abortion. But yet in your case I really would counsel against one (not that I'm an expert or anything). I just know in your case you would never regret it once that baby is born.


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Oh guest,

I am sorry you find yourself in a tough situation. I second or third the suggestion to talk to someone (counselor). You are understandably angry at DH, but you will need to let go of that no matter what you chose to do.

If you are deeply religious, then I think you need to answer your questions based on that. Your faith is what pulls you through during tough periods of your life, and I am sure it can help you find the answers now.

Sending you the support you need right now!


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## indiegirl (Apr 15, 2002)

Hi Guest,

I am pregnant with our third child and I've had two miscarriages. Our two daughters were planned. This child was a surprise, unplanned. I am overwhelmed, I lost my wonderful WAH job right after finding out I was pregnant. We lived in 750 sq feet and are just barely making ends meet.

I am about 15 weeks along and still not 100% okay with the idea of another child but am having this baby. It has been a very difficult (emotional) pregnancy. I just have to believe that this child is meant to be and things will work out. That is all I am going on right now.

I just wanted to offer a "I'm walking in similiar shoes" as you and let you know that you can PM me anytime.

A few weeks ago, I had an appointment and the m/w couldn't find the heartbeat. I spent three hours between the appointment time and the u/s wondering if I had miscarried. I realized then how attached I was (am) to this child and how much I want and need him or her in my life.

I certainly don't have the answers. I firmly believe that if you are unsure morally about abortion then to please either find clarity before you do it (if you do it) or to talk to someone who can help--professional counseling, etc. You can never take it back and I think the pain of that choice might be worse in the long run.

Much love and light to you.

Jesse


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## guest (Sep 7, 2005)

Thanks again for all your posts~~~THEY HAVE HELPED ALOT!

I am leaning towards having the baby.....I know that you are not always ready for a baby but that you love them instantly. I don't think DH is feeling the same......it is upsetting on a lot of levels~~I wish he would say "great! let's have the baby!" Instead he says "OK".

Guess we both need time to think.

Much love to you all.


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

Guest-
I am glad you are starting to feel better







.

I am sorry your dh is not responding the way that you want him to, it must be very hard, when you need a certain reaction from him to help you, but he does have to have his own true feelings too. I will pray for peace of heart and love and excitement for both of you. In case you haven't heard it -and it might help- Congratulations!


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## OnTheFence (Feb 15, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Guest*
Thanks again for all your posts~~~THEY HAVE HELPED ALOT!

I am leaning towards having the baby.....I know that you are not always ready for a baby but that you love them instantly. I don't think DH is feeling the same......it is upsetting on a lot of levels~~I wish he would say "great! let's have the baby!" Instead he says "OK".

Guess we both need time to think.

Much love to you all.

Guest

I think it takes men longer to settle into things than women. He is probably shocked as well. Men often think of right now -- now things are bed, but down the road they could be fine. I think once he settles into the know of you being pregnant, and you both can talk about this pregnancy in terms of your spiritual beliefs, your family, and the future -- not to mention your feelings, you may see him reacting differently.

Kim


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

The first thing that popped into my head is: Quit homeschooling! Send your older child(ren) to public school. Hopefully that will lighten your stress load. Although not a perfect choice, it's better than either an abortion or you being completely stressed out, IMHO.


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## magnoliablue (Dec 29, 2002)

Guest,
Everyone else has said it perfectly, but I wanted to share my story with you too.

My marriage was very abusive. We had two children and everyday found me trying to find a way to end the cycle of abuse.

One night, my ex forced me to have sex..and lo and behold a few weeks later I found myself pregnant. I did not conceive under pleasant circumstances, and my husband was not happy...neither was anyone in our families because they knew how bad our situation was.

I had been through an abortion at a young age once before, but having gone through that, though I remain pro-choice, I knew I could not do that again. I still deal daily with the emotional trauma from the one from years ago.

A few weeks after I found out I was preg, my father died suddenly. I believe God sent me that little baby because without him, I could never have gotten through the grief of losing my dad..nor could my mother..that little baby kept her going when she wanted to die herself.

Fast forward three and a half years... my marriage is over, but I have three beautiful kids. We don't have much money and I am doing it alone, but I am proof that it CAN be done, through the most difficult of circumstances.

God works in mysterious ways, mama... and you may not ever understand why, but know that this baby was sent for a reason. Take each day one at a time and know you are not alone, and you can make it through this. Peace ti you and yours..and you are in my thoughts.. Karen


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## annethcz (Apr 1, 2004)

Oh my. What a shock this must be.

My third pregnancy was unplanned, as well. I can tell you that I spent over half the pregnancy wondering how in the world this would work. This was a child I didn't want (at least right now). I couldn't handle the 2 kids I already had- what was I going to do with another???

Slowly, acceptance came. And when she was born, I felt nothing other than pure, unadulterated joy. I know that not everyone has the same experience, but for me, my feelings transformed completely during the course of the pregancy.

Now is not the time to make rash decisions. As other posters have said- take it one day at a time.

(((HUGS)))) and congratulations.


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## weetzie (May 29, 2003)

I have nothing to add but hugs and support


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## kaismom (Aug 20, 2002)

Dear Guest,
Hugs to you. One thing that strikes me is that perhaps you could just scale back on mothering. I may be way off and I dont mean to over-simplify a very complex situation. I also know that this might sound terrible to a devoted homeschooling nursing mom, but I often think about what it is that drives us as mothers to meet these difficult expectations we place on ourselves at the expense of ourselves our relationships or even our children. I want to be everthing everywhere all the time, a good mom who cloth diapers breast feeds cosleeps (or codoesnt sleep in our case) no baby food from a jar no tv watching no crying. I want to stimulate my kids, make playdough, sing songs and still retain a small portion of the life and self that I had before kids. It is too much for me, it makes me crazy and cry sometimes. It makes us think we cant have another baby at times. I try too hard and then end up burnt out and at the complete other end of the spectrum - not the super mom I intended but a "bad" mom who just yelled at her 2yo. I haven't met any real live mothers who have acheived this super mom thing either. So why not scale back, let go a little. Its hard I know I havent succeeded in letting go of enough probably. But my kids are in sposies and the TV gives me a shower break alot. I just keep telling myself that while it is not the ideal, millions of kids live on formula go to public schools sleep in cribs wear disposable diapers, eat gerber baby food and turn out ok. For me it is critical to give myself permission to be less than the mom I imagined myself to be and focus on the things that are truely the most important to me.
Please be kind to yourself, you are doing a wonderful job and remember that a mother of young children is in a constantly changing point in her life--the situation now and the things that make it difficult will change and change and change again.
may you find peace


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

You mentioned that your last birth was hard. Try to remember that each birth is different. This one could be tough too, but it could be a breeze. You said that the thought of nursing another babe is too much right now. You don't have to nurse if it's that overwhelming *ducking.* Your baby is better off alive and drinking formula (or nursing if you can handle it).

You also said that you have faith in God. If you do, try to believe (even though it's hard) that in God is able to provide everything that you need. Over the past couple years, there have been times where I've though that we were going to get evicted or have to go hungry, but God has always come through. It can be hard for me to relax and trust in Him, but He is always there, even in the midst of my unbelief.

I don't know what city you're in, but here in Baltimore, the crisis pregnancy centers offer a lot of practical support. They give moms car seats, diapers, maternity clothes, baby clothes. Look under "abortion alternatives" in your phone book and give them a call. Apply for WIC too. Find out if you qualify for food stamps and apply for them. If you don't have insurance, you can get covered as a pregnant woman under the CHIP program (in most states).

Here are some links and phone numbers (I hope it helps):
http://www.pregnancycenters.org/
Birthright: (800) 550-4900
Care Net: (800) 395-HELP
Catholic Charities: (800) CARE-002
Heartbeat International: (888) 550-7577
National Life Center: (800) 848-LOVE

If you still have trouble finding practical material assistance where you live, PM me and I'll help you find it. If you just need someone to talk to you can PM, email or call me.


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## MamaJosie (Apr 26, 2003)

right now but I am happy to hear you a probably going to have your baby. I don't know if anyone has really addressed this but I would be pretty mad at dh for trying to insist on an abortion when he agreed to the Vasectomy and didnt get it soon enough. I really feel much of the blame rests with him and if you are against abortion you probably need to tell him to make that appointment and get used to the idea of being a father to 4.
I do feel he has a right to his feelings even if they may make you feel rejection etc. You can both maybe agree to give each other some space and time to let it sink in but in your shoes I would probably tell dh that although your fertility is up to BOTH of you, once YOU become pregnant it is YOUR BODY AND YOUR CHOICE. I truly believe that once a woman becomes pregnant it is HER DECISION. If he feels left out or like you are trying to pull rank or give him an ultimatum, well maybe he should have gotten the V sooner. Doesn't sound like a partnership to some of you? Well, YOUR BODY is YOUR BODY! The partnership was in the lovemaking. But the babygrowing is on you and ultimately UP TO YOU in my view.
I guess I am basically saying IF IT WERE ME, I would say "honey, I am shocked and floored and overwhelmed just like you, but I have got to have this baby, I AM HAVING THIS BABY, so you need to think about it is you want to stick it out and keep this family together and have it with me" and give him some time to think about it if it is truly a deal breaker for him and he wants out of the marriage just because you insist on having the child. I just don't think any child conceived in love is EVER a mistake and I am rather shocked to hear of any husband who wants his wife to abort short of her having life threatening health problems that preclude a pregnancy.
I have never had an super similar situation but I have 3 kids and the 1st was the only one dh was even remotely initial happy about and we werent even married then. #2 was conceived when we were both still in college living in 500 sq foot apartment living on credit cards and student loans and his reaction was virtual anger or even disgust like it was my fault and I did it on purpose and it was going to sabatoge our lives. I was SOOOO HURT and he remained distant maybe the first trimester or so and slowly came around and pulled his head out of his A S S and started acting like a loving father - not like the world had ended. Then with #3 I got pg and #2 was only 9 months, still nursing, I was sick as a dog and neither one of us was thrilled and it was certainly a financial hardship. Then ds was born and had a cranial defect that costed over 60,000 dollars to correct and we were so darn thankful for his health but dh got fixed when he was 6 months because after what we went through with the last 2 so close and all our sons health problems we felt we had a full plate and are happy with our family size.

So my advice is before any more discussion:

1) DH GETS THE VASECTOMY ASAP

2) YOU decide where YOU truly stand regardless of WHAT OTHERS THINK OR WHAT DH THINKS - you will never get over it if you let dh or anyone else tell you what to do. IT IS YOUR CHOICE - ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, OWN IT AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LET ANYONE INCLUDING DH IN ON ANY DISCUSSION

3) IF YOU DECIDE TO HAVE THE BABY MAKE PLANS NOW TO TAKE PRESSURE OFF YOURSELF AND REEVALUATE YOUR SCHEDULE SO YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HANDLE BEING A MAMA TO 4

for #3 I would consider as others have to put your kids in school. It may not need to be permanent. I tried homeschooling my 9 year old this year and we did so-so but it was not overall the best choice for us and she will be going back next year. We are all ok with this. I found with a 4 and 3 year old at home, it just wasnt possible for me to do it and meet everyone's needs and not loose my sanity. I also will be putting my 4 yr old son in the local head start next year and that is something I thought I would NEVER do. But he is a high needs child and I think he really could benefit hugely from the structure and interaction. You can even choose to wean #3 now, wean #4 sooner than you have your others or as someone mentioned not bfeed at all. I know that is not an AP thing to say but GASP - your mental health and well being DO COUNT mama and I personally think the child is better off alive and with you on a bottle or nursed for 6 months than not alive at all. I was bottle fed and lived to tell about it and although I know breast is definitely by far preferable nutritionally it is sometimes not possible for other reasons and that is ok. I have a friend who was sexually abused (read RAPED repeatedly) from the age of 5-12. She cannot stand much intimate physical touch at all (especially breast stim) and had to go on antidepressants to even stand nursing her kids for 3-4 months. They are beautiful well loved girls and I can't imagine anyone would call her a bad mother for bottle feeding in her circumstances. I know you want to be the BEST you can be for the kids you have now but that new baby inside you is yours too and I dont think you would ever regret having it. I would personally send you tons of baby clothes and email you anytime you want to talk or feel stressed out.

So anyway, I hope this didnt offend and I do think dh has a right to feeling scared, insecure, worried overwhelmed etc but I dont think he has a right to insist or bully you into an abortion. Ultimately I believe it is YOUR CHOICE. Love-Josie


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## GoodWillHunter (Mar 14, 2003)

Guest,

Last August, I took a pregnancy test while at work. I was devastated to find out I was pregnant. We already had four children and were living by the seat of our pants. I had just signed on to go back to school to become a nurse and everything was coming together... Then, this happened.

My husband and I decided to do the RU486 abortion pill. I was just 2 weeks pregnant, how bad could it be? We knew our parents would be sooo less than thrilled, and, since the house we lived in was owned by my parents, the possiblity that we could be homeless loomed. A baby just wasn't in our plans at all.

The day came that we went to Planned Parenthood to get the abortion pill. DH took off from work and a dear friend came to watch our younger children. We went in, and they told me my husband had to stay out in the waiting room. I didn't take very kindly to that. They drew some blood and then, they told me it was time to pay. I looked at them and said,"Pay?" and in my head, I was thinking, pay for killing my child? After I swore I'd never have another abortion? What kind of mother am I? I dissolved into tears. They called my DH over and led us to a room where we could talk. I said, "Honey, I just can't do this. I can't." He said, "Then we won't. Let's go." And we walked out of there still pregnant and feeling on top of the world.

Yes, I was scared. Yes, I thought I couldn't handle it. And, some days, I can't handle five kids, four of them four and under. But, my point is we muddle along as best as we can, and, in the end, each child knows how much I love them. I'm still nursing my 2 and a half year old... We do okay. Yes, my parents were less than thrilled, but they were there for us. Even to the point of offering to suspend rent so we could pay our hospital bills. We declined, but, my point is, it seems worse when it feels like the world is tumbling down, we make it worse than it really is.

I know each choice made is a personal one. I am not against abortion... I am against it for me, personally, but not for others. Some people choose it and feel for the rest of their lives it was the right one for them. I'm not one of those people. Please look hard at what is right for YOU. I truly believe that, if your husband loves YOU, he will understand. You can't go against your beliefs and your heart if you are to live life fully.

I have never forgiven myself for the abortions (yes, plural) I had in the past. I don't know that I ever will. However, again, what you need to do is what is right for you and you alone. Human beings adjust beautifully to whatever life throws at us. That's why we have survived so well. If you choose to have this child, know you can do it. It takes time to adjust, but you will.

But whatever you chose, know we are all here for you. PM me if you like. I'll answer.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Good luck.


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## anythingelse (Nov 26, 2001)

I have to disagree with the advice to put kids back in ps, it was more work for our family when I got pregnant with Vanna to have older ds back in ps then a help. If hsing is your lifestyle then it can be a huge adjustment for everyone in the family. I have been in your shoes and have lived what you posted, I do not want to share what happened here online but pm me if you want a shoulder that has lived this.

Mary
homeschooling mom to ds15, ds10, ds7, and dd 4 yrs


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## village idiot (Feb 19, 2003)

Just wanted to offer hugs to you and I'll also support you in whatever you decide


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

I agree. People are so quick to blame homeschooling. No one has asked Guest how she feels about homeschooling. If this is something that's important to her and that she feels strongly and passionately about it may be very much like you telling her to wean her young baby from breastfeeding.

Guest, I think it's great you're taking some extra time to think about this. I was very shocked when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd. It came out of no where. I wasn't expecting it and didn't feel ready for it. I cried a lot and had a very difficult pregnancy with many different issues. I felt disconnected from my baby most of the pregnancy and worried about bonding after. The moment this little guy came out I realized that all my fears were in vain. He is truly the light of my life. I thought he would bring me more stress and frustration but he is honestly my biggest source of joy. I hope this story doesn't make you feel like I'm trying to suade you in any way. I am definately pro-choice. I just want to demonstrate, as many other of the mamas have that something can seem hopeless and then turn out to be the most wonderful thing in your life.

Remember that you need to do what is best and right for _you_.


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## dr.j (May 14, 2003)

to you.
I think counseling sounds like a really good way for you to figure out what you want, and for you and your DH to talk things through before, during, and after you make your decision. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.


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## cat_astrophe (Sep 22, 2003)

You asked for stories, so here is mine.

I became pregnant with my oldest ds at the absolute most inopportune moment possible in my life to date. I was 18 years old, full-time college, full-time job, full-time taking care of my dying father, just signed the lease on my first ever real apartment (which my then bf, now dh, and I were struggling to afford), had only been with dh for 1.5 months.... need I say more??

With my father on his death bed, and knowing my mother's instability, I felt like I could see my safety net crumbling before my eyes. We had _nothing_, absolutely nothing. I was working for slightly more than minimum wage and so was my bf, and I was fighting with management to get more than 12 hours per week. I had just moved out of a pay-by-the-week motel. I had a car payment I was struggling to make, and was living on ramen noodles and mac-n-cheese most of the time.

When I suspected I was pregnant, I was TERRIFIED. On my way home from work, I stopped and bought The Test. I was struggling to hold back the tears, and the first store I went to had them locked up and you had to ask for one. NO WAY! I went to another store, and found one, then went to pay for it, and the cashier says to me, "I hope congratulations are in order" and I almost lost it. I didn't want to go home and have it turn out negative and have my bf find it (nope, he didn't know I suspected), so I stopped at a gas station and took the test in the bathroom. When I saw two lines, I almost fainted.

I put the test in my purse and drove home. I laid in the floor (remember, NO FURNITURE), and cried for at least 2 hours before I heard my bf coming in the door. He laid down beside me and asked what was wrong. I couldn't say it, so I just handed him the test, and he put his arm around me for a few minutes before asking me what I was going to do. It sounded like the most idiotic question in the world coming from someone else...._I'm going to have a baby, [email protected]$$!_ And that was my decision.

My dad passed away when I was 6 months pg. I took it very hard. I could not imagine bringing my child into this world knowing that he would never get to know his PawPaw (that's what my nieces and nephews called him). My heart was so heavy when I was in labor, and then he appeared, and all the anguish lifted. I knew then that he was meant to be.

I often joke that neither dh nor I planned either of our kids, but somebody did. I thank God everyday for blessing me with my children.

I will pray for you. I know that you are scared, but have faith that this will all turn out for the best.


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## Lucysmama (Apr 29, 2003)

No advice, just







and I will offer my support for whatever you decide.


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## melaniewb (Mar 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Guest*
Thanks again for all your posts~~~THEY HAVE HELPED ALOT!

I am leaning towards having the baby.....I know that you are not always ready for a baby but that you love them instantly. I don't think DH is feeling the same......it is upsetting on a lot of levels~~I wish he would say "great! let's have the baby!" Instead he says "OK".

Guess we both need time to think.

Much love to you all.

I'm glad things are looking up for you.







I'm sure in 5 years you will wonder why you ever had a doubt. And, give your Dh time. I think it can be harder for men to accept the reality of pregnancy sometimes since they don't get the hormones that women do, yk? I'm sure he will be thrilled with your new addition in time.


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## China white (Mar 29, 2004)

I, too, have been where you are.
You have already been offered excellent advice from the mamas here, and in the end, this highly personal decision is yours alone to make, so I will just offer my support with whatever you choose. I will also pray that God helps you during this time of struggle.
I want to share a story with you. It is not meant to sway you in any one direction, but your situation brought it to my heart.
My father passed away in Dec./01, and this was *DEVASTATING* for me. My grief was blinding, and not only did I have to carry one mothering my 2 children, I also now had the sole responsibilty of caring for my disabled mother, who was in a long term care facility.(Not her daily physical care, but being her gaurdian, paying all her bills, visiting her 3-5 times a week, making sure all her needs were met, etc.) I was(still am) the only one with a part-time job, and plus I had my father's estate to handle. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed.
7 months later,(July 1st- my husband's birthday) I found out I was pregnant. I was SOOOO UPSET! I didn't *want* to be happy - my father had died, and would never hold or get to know this baby, and celebrating *anything* just felt plain *WRONG*. This was also my first Father's Day without my dad.....
I went to my midwife, and among the first things she asked me was date of LMP, length of cycle, etc. She figured conception to be June 16th. Ultrasound later confirmed this date. I went home, looked at the calendar, and *Father's Day was June 16th!*. That completely changed the way I looked at this pregnancy. *I* didn't plan this baby, but that doesn't mean he wasn't planned. I truly believe that my father didn't want me to continue on the way I was.....It was then that I made the shift from paralyzing grief to missing him and honoring his memory.
MagnoliaBlue said it beautifully; God works in mysterious ways, and your baby is here for a reason, wether or not you fully understand that reason. I got goosebumps when I read that you found out on Mother's Day.........
I hope you find peace in your decision, and once again, I am not trying to lead you in any one direction. If I have offended you in any way, I apologize.

Hugs,
China white.


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## Lucysmama (Apr 29, 2003)

I just wanted to add......

When I was pregnant with my dd, who was TOTALLY and completely unplanned and came at a very inopportune time, I asked my dh (who was then my boyfriend) what we should do...

He said, "Whatever you decide, I will support you." I know he was trying to be nice, but I coulda killed him for taking that stance. I wanted him to say, "Let's have this baby, honey!" or "I cannot be a father, we should not have this baby."

His lack of a strong response put such immense pressure on ME. That, I think, was the worst part of the decision-making. I was afraid I would make the choice he didn't want me to pick, and he would forever resent me.

But after awhile, he started talking a bit about names, and which one of us should move (we were living 3 time zones away from each other) etc etc...and then one day he told me that he wanted to have the baby. It just so happened that deep down, so did I.

My point is, sometimes it takes people longer than others to make a decision. He is probably still in shock, since it has only been a day. You have months to make a decision. Let it soak into him for a while, and then maybe you can talk about it seriously. You are both probably in a state of strong emotion/shock.

If you dh wanted to have the baby, do you think you would have it? Just an open question.

More







Good luck, mama.


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

I live in fear of this situation.

I had my tubes tied after my second pregnancy; but every once in a while I will suddenly think AAAAAHHH, when was my last period!?!?!?

I had horrible pregnancies--preterm labor (at 24 weeks), bed rest, preterm birth...I live in fear of the tubal failing, getting pregnant, and then having to make the decision to either end the pregnancy, or to attempt to carry the pregnancy to term, knowing that the options are not even close to being in my favor.

I don't know what I would do! Once, last summer, my period was late, I was very sick, but pregnancy tests kept coming back negative. I basically stayed in bed and cried for two days straight, between vomiting. DH kept saying not to worry, we would make it through another pregnancy, even though I knew he didn't want another baby (or another pregnancy). He just doesn't understand; I'm scared to fall in love with a baby and then lose it. I don't want my baby to be born at 24 weeks.

Although I am prochoice, I don't think I could have an abortion. I thought about pretending I wasn't pregnant, so that if I lost the baby, I wouldn't care. How healthy is that for a nurse whose job is to work in a birth center? I'm not a believer in god, but I prayed for a miscarriage anyway. Either my prayers were answered, or my period simply came late, but a week overdue I had a period, and all was normal in my universe again.

But it is not. I have dreams at least once a week of giving birth, of having this baby, this baby that I'm not sure ever even existed. And I want another one now, even though I know I can't have one. I feel guilty for asking for a miscarriage and maybe getting it.

So, while I have absolutely NO advice for you, all I can say is that I love you and I feel your fear, and I support whatever decision you make.

I'm glad you can come here and post. It makes my heart feel good to see all the love you get. It's nice to know that if I ever need a bunch of love in a hurry, all I have to do is come here.










Lori


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## Lucky Charm (Nov 8, 2002)

Quote:

No advice, just and I will offer my support for whatever you decide.
Me too.
















Lisa


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

I have just found this thread and I wanted to add my support!

I know this must be hard for you! Pregnancy #2 was unplanned (I had and IUD so in essence it was actually planned against) and I was in total shock! But we decided that with faith and determination we could pull through. Noah is now 5 months and I am SO glad he is here! I love him more each day and I *know* there is a reason beyond my comprehension why he is here!

Have you asked your husband to read this thread? I think he should! I personally believe that you can do this - you have us for support. I know we are just a virtual community but this place has been a life line for me for nearly 4yrs and I am so grateful because I dont think I would be able to handle as well as I do without them.

Your faith will bring you thru this! Your baby has come to you for a reason...


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## wonderfulmom (Feb 29, 2004)

((hugs))
Carefully consider all the choices. Make the best decision you can.
(And know that even if you happen to miscarry, you will have complicated feelings about all this.)
I am Pro-Choice.
The way you wrote it, it sounds to me like you want to want to take this pregnancy to term and then keep the baby. Are you really asking, "How in the world will I do this??!!"
You need to seek some unbiased emotional support/counseling, some social support, and look into some sort of financial assistance. And remember that sometimes things that are difficult look impossible at first-- like single-parenting, being widowed, parenting handicapped children, etc.
I respect your choice and will support you.
((hugs))


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## MamaAllNatural (Mar 10, 2004)

How are you feeling today Guest? Any better?


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Much love to you, Guest. I will keep you in my prayers.


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## Joyce in the mts. (Jan 12, 2003)

Take good care and know that you are in my thoughts.

Joyce in the mts.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

- I do know how you feel. that is pretty miuch how I felt with #3 and I fear, positively fear #4 but we can't afford the vasectomy and I won't take hormonal birth control which leaves up with few reliable options.

Here is what I know.

No pregnancy is unplanned by God. he sees you and knows you and knows this child. He has good plans for this child and for your family.

If you need anything as far as stuff goes, the mamas here can hook you up. jUst ask or you can ask me to ask on your behalf. I am not ashamed to unabashedly solicite donations for just about anything. :LOL

You can do this. If you are stretched too thin there are things you can do. Y9ou can wean your baby, you can get help with schooling (just tell people what you need, someone ,ay be willing to volunteer.) , you can put your children in PS for a few months, a year, if you thyink that will help, you can rearange ytour furniture to make room for everyone. It can work. It won't be perfect but it will be OK.

babies take 9 months to cook. You have time to plan and nest. Your dh has time to warm up about this. he is allowed to be upset and irrational as much as you are. So long as he gets over it. whats done is done and there is nothing you can do about it now. if you think you guys need counseling by al means get it.

I will be praying for you. I know that God is able to provide you with every ounce of creativity, every inch of space, every dime it cost, every measure of peace, every bit of restoration in your marragie, every bit of patience and every other thing you need.







it really will be Ok regardless of what happens. You are strong and you can do this.


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## RubyV (Feb 4, 2004)

First,







Light and healing to you.

I have been pregnant twice, neither planned. The first, I miscarried a few days before my abortion. I can honestly say I"m glad it happened.

My daughter, Dev, was also unexpected. I was on alot of medication, and it required a huge leap of faith to stay pregnant. Everyday, I look at her and thank the goddess for this most amazing gift. However, my pg and delivery was pure hell which I will not be repeating.

I honestly think abortion is not an option for you. Neither is adoption.

Well, that leaves you with having a fourth child. It's hard to have a baby when money's tight. I know because I got laid off during my first trimester, and dh got laid off at the start of the second. He just started working again in Feb. he was unemployed 9 months.

You can do it, and you will find that you have personal reserves you didn't think you did. You will find that you are stronger than you know.

Ask friends and family for hand me downs. Ask them for help. Do you belong to a church, synogogue, anything like that? See if they can help get people to volunteer some of their time to help you.

As for your DH...

You are the one who is pregnant. This impacts you and is real for you in a way which he can't begin to imagine. He needs to get that vas NOW. He also needs to deal with the fact that your choice has been made and needs to support it.

Neither one of you has to be happy about it now. It's ok to feel shitty. It's ok to be angry. It's ok for you to hate being pregnant. All of your feelings are legitimate.

Also, start looking to see if there are chores that dh can take over? that the kids can help with? YOu don't have the be theperfect mother. Sometimes, just good enough is ok.

Instead of cooking every day, try taking one day a week to make a bunch of meals. Make large batches of soup and freeze.

Try not to become burned out. Right now, taking care of you is number 1. If momma ain't happy, ain't noone happy.


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## ja mama (Sep 6, 2003)

I am the third child of four. Mom had 5 children in 6.5 years (the one before me only lived 6 weeks). The older two are so close (peanut butter and jelly?) and my younger brother and I have always been a pair. I can't imagine having grown up without him.

You initially stated that you and dh have always wanted 4 kids, but didn't think you could handle another. Maybe this is nature's or God's way of telling you the original plan is really meant to be.

I also understand how unthinkable it would be to tell your children you are pregnant, but giving the baby away to a different family. It would also be difficult if they ever found out you'd been pregnant, but chose to end it. But those difficulties are yours to weigh against the difficulty of a fourth child. Just remember as difficult as a fourth child may seem, and in reality be, another child will also bring joy with the work. I can't see how an abortion or adoption could possibly bring joy to your family.

Hugs to you sweetheart, for the difficulties, no matter how you and your dh handle this. You will make it!


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## Sunnydrop (Nov 21, 2001)

I think it is good that you are talking about this, and I hope you find some comfort with what others have posted. But, I think that the only thing that matters is within you. Posts like this give pro lifers or even pro choice folks a medium to push their agenda. Listen to you and your dh. Because, no one of these posters have to live with your decision. Just you do, just your family.

I hope you find the path that is right for you.

Blessings, Sunny


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

I wasn't blaming homeschooling--just giving guest permission to not be superwoman, is all.


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## Overproducktion (Aug 31, 2003)

Guest--Look at all the beautiful support you are recieving from these wonderful mamas!!!







This place is just great.

Most of these stories have moved me to tears--whether happy or sad.

Guest, no matter what you decide--you will be well supported here at MDC.


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## sueami (Oct 11, 2002)

i find that when i can't make a decision about something big, it's not time to make the decision. it comes with clarity when it's ready.
i hope you can give yourself a little room to breathe, and let any grief you may feel for the life you have now that might be changing flow through you.
i also hope you can stay in touch with the truth that our emotional reactions never stay the same, they're always changing. let yourself have them and they'll flow on through and your deeper wisdom will arise in it's own time. you've got some time to give yourself that gift...
wishing you patience, self-love and clarity,
warmly,
susan


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## anythingelse (Nov 26, 2001)

I tried to pm you back but it won't let me, says user name does not exist

sending a hug here instead tonight(((HUG)))


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## Foobar (Dec 15, 2002)

Guest,

I saw your update. It takes men a MUCH longer time to get used to the pregnancy idea.

Remember that your DH is not physically attached to the pregnancy and you are already getting the hormones, so it will change how you two react to the same situation.

Sending you more hugs and I am listening for your words...This is a shoulder for you to lean on......


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## summerdgo (Sep 17, 2003)

I wanted to share my experience with you, but at first immediately dismissed the urge. Reading the other stories has given me the courage to be able to tell you that I have had an abortion. I feel incredibly guilty about. I hate that I did it. I was very sure in my decision at the time, but by the time the baby would have been born I knew what a mistake I had made.

I'm not going to say don't do it, or that you would regret it as much as I do, but I will ask you to try to imagine how you might feel in the future. For me, I think it would have felt more right to bear the difficulties than to now perceive the hole in my family where that baby should have been.


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## lorijds (Jun 6, 2002)

Summer:










Lori


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

to you.

We've always had unplanned despite much protection pregnancies. While I tire of feeling like I've done something wrong every time things start to taste weird, I have a husband who refuses to plan children, so surprises are my lot in life. He never reacts well to the news, but eventually comes around. I agree with what the others have said, just give him some time to absorb it all.

We don't have a lot, and we probably never will. Both times our kids were born, we didn't have health insurance, he had just been laid off or quit a job, and things were not looking good. But it did all turn out, somehow.

I'm thinking of you, and wishing good things for you.


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## woobysma (Apr 20, 2004)

Hello Guest Mama







I just want to add a heartfelt hug of my own to the group

I was 18 when I got pregnant with ds. I had taken a year off before going to Duke and , needless to say, my family was FURIOUS - but that passed and 7 years later, my son is spoiled silly and kissed to death by his loving grandparents, aunts and uncles. I've never regretted choosing him.









Then, four years ago, I found myself preg again (dh and I had been dating for 6 months) and chose to have an abortion. I knew I couldn't handle another child and while dh said he'd support whatever my choice was, I knew we were not ready for that. I still don't regret that decision.

These were, in different ways, the hardest and the easiest decisions I ever made - follow your heart and I'm sure everything will turn out OK. I firmly believe that the universe never gives you more than you can handle, but how you handle it is up to you. Listen to that mother's voice in your heart, it's never let me down.


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## townmouse (May 3, 2004)

I've been there, too.

In my case it was baby #3, we were in horrible shape financially, and my lupus was out of control. Everything was wrong in our lives. The other two were 1 and 2 years old.

My mother gave me a book about another woman with a pitiful life....(religious book, Stepping Heavenward)....most of the book didn't really impress me but when the heroine was pregnant for the umpteenth time her family went ballistic. They said it all to her.."one more demand on your body. One more baby to nurse. One more mouth to feed. One more diaper to change. One more crier to listen to, one more to educate..."

and the mother, who was poor and in ill health and in a bad marriage, quietly replied, "one more warm little body to hug. One more smile for mama. One more first step, first word, first prayer. One more at the table, one more in my heart, one more comfort in my old age."

or something like that. It really spoke to me, and I began to see things differently. The pregnancy was still awful, we didn't have any more money, but "I" was different.

And God's providence was, that 3rd baby was my easiest baby. He slept well, ate well, and rewarded us with smiles and affection from day one. He's 3 now, and even strangers comment on his happy, affectionate, sparkly personality. I honestly cannot imagine the family without him, he's been a real comfort!

We're expecting #4 now, and are broke, in a little house and homeschooling. I'm feeling better now, but the first half of the pregnancy was extremely hard. Dh has been laid off for 9 months, and we might lose the house. And my lupus is flaring again. But for all I know, I'll get another little'un as precious as the other three.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy, I'm not telling you what to do. I'm trying to say I totally recognized and identified with your first post. I've been there! You'll be in my prayers, and your dh and all your children too.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

s Amy. I hope you are feeling well today


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## fluffernutter (Dec 8, 2002)

You can do this! Mother's are amazingly strong and resourceful creatures. You will figure out a way to make this work and you will never regret bringing this baby into the world.


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