# New here, I chose to deliver my fullterm stillbirth at home, anyone else?



## RebeccaWells (Aug 11, 2004)

I am new here and wish I didnt have to be here. My 5th baby was born still at home on 6/12/04. We named her Clara Jane. I have four older children ages 7, 5, 4 and 2. Three boys and the 5 yo is a girl. My 2 yo was also a homebirth.

We discoverd Clara's death at a prenatal appointment Thurs the 10th at abut 10:55 am. It was confirmed by ultrasound about 1 1/2 hrs later. My dh was at work and it took us almost 4 hours to track him down(he had forgotten his cell phone). I was at the appointment with my other kids, but a neighbor came to get them while I waited at the office for my husband. My initial reaction after realising I still had to do labor(!!!), was to go to the hospital and get drugged up and not have to feel a thing. My midwifes asked me to reconsider and to have trust in them that we would be better at home. We decided to do so, amidst pressure from family/friends/clergy et. I am so very thankful that we did. We started my labor with herbs, but she was not delivered untill 5:05pm Sat.

I have talked to people with simular expereinces, but have come to realize that the fact that I chose to deliver at home is so very different and made the experience much different from thiers. I'm feeling quite alone and was hoping that there would be someone here who also made this choice and maybe we could talk? My views on childbirth have not been changed by this experience, if anything I have *more* trust in the process and less fear than I ever have before. I am a doula and all around birth junkie who hopes to be blessed to be a homebirth midwife in the future. I have attended a hospital based support group and feel like a foriegner in that circle. So thats why I decided to post here.

Rebecca


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## lilgsmommy (Jun 21, 2004)

You are way stronger than I ever would have been in that situation!


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## girlfromthefuture (Aug 2, 2004)

Rebecca,

I am so sorry about the death of your daughter, Clara.

Our daughter Emerson Lily (Eme) was stillborn on 8/3/03 - we just passed her first birthday. I didn't know she was stillborn until she was born - she died, we all think, approximately 10 minutes before birth. We heard great heart tones on the doppler as I was holding the top of her head.

I am so grateful that she was born at home. Our midwives and doula were amazing. I know that I'm healing from the birth/death in a much more gentle way because she was born at home surrounded by so much love. It was such a different experience than the c-section I had with my son.

If I had known Eme was dead or dying, I would have still had her at home. I've been doing my best to connect with people in CT to share this idea with them. I honestly don't think it crosses most mamas minds at the time they find out the devastating news. They're on auto-pilot and doing whatever anyone suggests - the grief is just too overwhelming to make certain decisions.

We were able to donate organs after she died - something we'd always talked about for ourselves, but never imagined we'd do for our child. If my husband hadn't asked me when I arrived at the hospital, I wouldn't have thought of it - there was just too much to take in.

I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and am going to have another homebirth. I know what you mean about feeling alone. I've been looking for someone to talk with - who had a similar experience, and then went on to have another homebirth. Most women I've spoken to or written with had a hospital birth in-between.

I'm currently training to be a doula - and am a birth-junkie, too. Death is just so uncommon in the homebirth community - but is still natural. The climate is difficult here in CT - about half of the homebirth midwives in the state are currently under investigation for a host of charges. It's so important that women and families like us speak up - as difficult as that is sometimes. If we stay quiet, than it's as though there is something to hide. We're deserving of good birth experiences, just the same as any other mama. Where could be more safe to deliver a stillborn baby, than at home?

I guess we're all new at this - pioneer women of sorts.

Please know you're never alone -

Sending love and peace,
Mary


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## Electra375 (Oct 2, 2002)

No words just a hug..


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## Raven (Dec 15, 2001)

A warm and gentle welcome to you Rebecca









Im so sorry for your loss.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Oh mama...I am sorry for your loss. There are a few other mama's who have done exactly what you have...birth their still babies at home. ChildoftheMoon is one of them....many others...drawing a blank right now.

I am so glad that you and all the other mama's are here...even though we wish we weren't! I have become a part of a "family" of mama's that know without speaking how I feel. They know the fears, hopelessness, desperation, joy, excitement and love that we/I feel day in...day out...

Please come back...you are welcome, wanted and needed RIGHT HERE.
I know that it doesn't make any of the feelings go away, it doesn't bring our babies back to our aching breasts and empty arms.
However...it does help make this journey of grief not so lonely, unfamiliar or totally full of sadness.

We are beginning to see some light...believe it or not...you too may begin to feel this way..eventually (if you aren't already)....









So much love to you Emerson's Mama...


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

Rebecca -

My story is eerily similar to that of Mary's (girl from the future). Our daughter Sophia was also a homebirth, and Sophie must have died about 10 min. or so before she was born. I appluad your decision to follow thru with a homebirth anyway - you acted from your heart, even as your heart was breaking.

I am so sorry for your loss. As Jackie mentioned, you are wanted and needed here. Please come and post and tell us all about your beautiful family and your beautiful baby.

I wish you peace and healing,










Jen


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## joesmom (Nov 19, 2001)

i literally cannot breathe when i think of the grief you mamas have suffered through. how amazingly strong you are to birth your babies at home... i am in awe of you.

i do not know what else to say.







to all of you.


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## girlfromthefuture (Aug 2, 2004)

(((Sending love and peace to you all)))...and some to myself, too. Thanks eveyone for sharing and listening with open hearts.


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## RebeccaWells (Aug 11, 2004)

Thank you all for the well wishes and condolances and for sharing your stories. please believe me when I say that I am not some strong super woman. Before this happened to me, I thought also that I would never be able to handle it, but our Heavenly Father has blessed us so much with peace and with strength. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me " There is no way I could have done this alone.

girlfromthefuture, congrats on your new pregnancy and I will hope and pray that all goes well for you this time. We never even considered organ donation, but I would assume it wouldnt have been possible anyways, since she died four days before delivery (looking back i believe she died on wed) I too believe that I am healing so much better because of the fact that I was able to deliver her at home surronded by so much love. It was by far the hardest thing Ive ever had to do, go thru labor and feel each contraction and feel the urge to push, knowing that there would not be a crying, squirming, ready-to-nurse baby at the end. But, the experience was amazing and life changing. I was able to have a professional there to take pictures and I have hundreds of pictures of the labor, birth, of Clara, of people holding her, of me dressing her for her burial and placing her in her casket and of the service and burial. My children and my dh actually did the burial, as in shoveled the dirt themselves. I watched and took pictures. I have castings of her hands and feet and of her holding my dhs and mine hands. I have feet prints and hand prints and locks of soft hair. And pictures, so many pictures!! I am a scrapbooker and making a scrapbook about her and my experience has been an amazing grieving tool. I want to do a website with my story and pictures to hopefully inspire others to think of this option. I know from talking to others who had hospital deliveries that they missed out on alot of what we did and what we have. I would like to figure out how to get the word out to more people about thier options, but its really not something you think of ahead of time, since you just dont think your baby will die.

And yet after all that, and after I all I have to be thankful for, I am still without my baby to hold. I still have empty arms, empty breasts and an aching heart. I am at a point where I know I have to accept this but I dont want to. I dont want to accept that my baby is not here, that I am not going to wake up from this terrible nightmare. I guess Im in a form of denial, but I dont know how to get past it. And I dont want to get past it. I want my baby, not all this pain.

Thanks for allowing me to "talk",
Rebecca


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## girlfromthefuture (Aug 2, 2004)

Rebecca,

I tried to send this as a private message to you, but the site said you're not accepting them.

You are a strong woman - you have to be to endure the death of Clara.

I can't imagine the grief of laboring with the knowledge that she had already died. I like to think that I was given a gift to have Emerson's entire story within me. The two most powerful experiences in your life are birth and death - and both happened for her within me. And then I get back to earth, and realize that I wish she had a story outside of me. Then others would have something to connect to. Talking about a dead loved one is easier for people when they can share stories. The isolation I've felt because of Eme dying so young has been overwhelming. After a little time, most want to not talk about it anymore. This is still so current for me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about her every second of every day.

You have given your other children quite a gift. For death to be accepted in our culture, we need to teach our children that it is. To have them be present for your process, I know will be healing for them, as well. I thank God for Noah every day. He propelled me forward on the days I didn't think I could continue. I can't imagine mamas who lose their first child -

How wonderful that you were able to have so many photos, too. That's one thing I struggle with. I have one photo from when she had just emerged and was laying on me (but you don't see her face), and then photos from when we transported to the hospital. Tubes and all. We weren't allowed to take them out and bathe her, because the medical examiner needed to examine the baby. Because of needing the make the organ donation, we had to let her go a lot sooner than I wanted to. I struggle with this today. Those extra minutes with her would have meant a lifetime to me....but I also think that I would never want another mama to lose her child. Eme's heart valves can go on to help 3-4 others (even adults). I feel guilty for being selfish and not wanting to share her, when I had such a short time to begin with.

I'm so glad you have so many pictures, casting, prints, etc. of Clara. I wish that death was a part of childbirth education for women and families. It's not something to be hidden from. It's natural, and as we know all too well, happens. Too much. It would be great if people would think about what they wanted, IF something were to happen. I was so numb - there's more I would have done. The nurses made hand and foot prints - but they're messy (I don't understand this - the baby wasn't squirming around for them). I just couldn't ask them to do more. But now I wish I had. We did wait a few weeks to have her funeral, which I'm so glad we did.

Our son's 2nd birthday was 2 weeks after Eme's death, and I just needed time to think about what to do about EVERYTHING. People were wonderful at the funeral. Lots of sharing - music - we had everyone release butterflies at the end, when we planted a butterfly bush over Eme's placenta and spread her ashes around it. It was healing to hear all the children present laughing and enjoying the butterflies.

When I read about your children and husband doing her burial, tears welled. What a bittersweet time -so loving of them, but I'm sure so difficult.

I wish I could tell you that it will get easier Rebecca. I think the shock of everything wore off for me around 4-6 weeks after Eme died. The grief is terrible. I say alot about healing, comfort, etc. But like you, still just want my baby. On Eme's birthday (just passed 8/3), people were trying to be kind and positive and said things like, we're glad you have this new spirit growing inside you - this baby wouldn't be here if Emerson hadn't died. I know people were well-meaning, but I want ALL my children here with me.
I believe that this new baby would've come if Eme lived - and one baby has nothing to do with the other. My arms literally ache for her.

I spoke with a therapist shortly after Emerson's death - our midwives came with us. She recommended giving myself permission to hold Eme - to just sit and rock her, and breathe. She told me to smile while doing it and feel good about it. It felt a bit crazy, but I was desperate. It wasn't the same, but it did feel better than not doing anything at all.

You wrote about not wanting to get past this. You don't have to, Rebecca. You never will. But hopefully we can integrate our children into our lives, and continue forward. That's part of the bad advice I received from so many. Like - move on. But they were suggesting I grieve, and leave her behind, and continue fresh - new. You just can't. These are our daughters. We gave birth to them - they LIVE for us. Another struggle I have is that CT doesn't issue a birth certificate for a stillborn baby. I get a death certificate, though. It's almost like our culture can't acknowledge that she was actually born - it's too difficult to grasp. But I was there. I went through 36 hours of labor. I held her. She was big, healthy, pink -and a real person. You don't ever get "past" that.

Sorry this is a bit rambly. I just don't want you to feel alone. You're not. Have you written Clara's birth story? It may be healing for you ~

Love,
Mary


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Rebecca, a warm and gentle welcome to mothering. It breaks my heart that losing Clara is what brought you here









I can certainly understand your feelings and not wanting to accept what has happened. There are many stages to grief, total acceptance comes much later. I think the other stages are there to prepare you.

How are your other children doing now? It must be so hard to grieve when you know your children are doing the same.

Make sure to take some time out each day for yourself. Maybe a warm bath alone, so that you can relax and and have a good cry? Or just a nap when you feel weary. Greif is very patient and it will wait for you.

You're in my thoughts.


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## RebeccaWells (Aug 11, 2004)

Mary,
I changed my options so members can get my email address. Is that what you meant?

I am working on Claras story, but it is so hard. I have journalled in the scrapbook alot, but that is a bit easier because its just bits and pieces and out of order and I can do it when Im up to it. We've had computer trouble too and went without one for 3 weeks. This one is working for the moment and we have a new one on the way, so I hopefully I can finish it soon.

I also only got a death certificate. I was told it would say certificate of fetal *demise* and I was horrified. That word just sounds so sick. But when I got it, it said Cert of fetal death. I was relieved!! I know, same thing, but to me it sounds different. There is legislation in some states now that they give Certificate of birth, resulting in a stillbirth. I like that, but NV hasnt done that yet. I think I may take it on and see if I can get it through our system, it would be retroactive.

My good friend and I were due the same week with girls. She ended up having her baby a month and 3 days after Clara (Clara was a bit early and hers was late). She had a homebirth also. Her little girl is so sweet and I like to hold her and cuddle her, even though it is hard. She is one of the few ones that I can talk to about my baby day after day. She has been such an amazing support. But then I worry, I dont want to dampen her joy. It seems like everytime we're on the phone it ends up being about me and my pain. This is supposed to be such a wonderful, happy time for her and I dont want to overshadow that. So I try not to dump on her too much, but yet, so few other people want to hear about it day after day, you know?

I still have my placenta in my freezer. I want to plant roses or something over it. what is a butterfly bush? We still need to choose headstone for her grave, but havent been able to do it yet. Her service was so awesome, we video taped it. And there were so many beautiful flowers and things. It was like any other funeral and Im so glad that those around us honored her life just the same as any other life. My 7 and 4 year old sons helped thier uncles be pallbearers and my daughter walked behind carrying the flowers for the top of the casket. We called her a flowerbearer in the program. They have such good memories about that day and I believe they have a heathly view of death. They are still sad, but mostly sad that Im so sad. My dd said in her prayers last night to please bless us to not be so sad that Clara died and she cried. We have strong religious beliefs and I think that has helped them to understand. My dhs grandpa died 3 weeks before I had her and my dh took the three older ones out of state for the funeral. He was alone with them and had many opportunities to talk to them about death and resurection etc. We were so thankful for that when Clara died, becuase they already had an idea on what would happen as far as the viewing and burial etc.

Jacque, I dont have alot of alone time to cry and I think thats part of whats so hard. I feel like I constanly forcing back tears and then when i do have time, I cant cry. Yet I feel better when I cry and I wish I could. I dont even know if that makes sense. But my dh works long hours and we are so busy with the 4 that we have. On the one hand they are such a confort to me, but on the other hand it is so difficult to care for them day after day and do laundry and cook and do dishes, when all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.

This is feeeling good to get some of this out, Im glad I decided to post here. Thank you for listening.
Love,
Rebecca


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## painted horse (Jul 18, 2003)

I felt moved to offer you thanks, Rebecca. Thank you for sharing this difficult time. Thank you for your honesty about how you feel. Thank you for sharing Clara's story with us - it is a powerful one, and one worth telling.

It has been almost 6 months since we lost Sophie - looking back to when we first lost her, so much of what you write about I can so easily relate to, as I'm sure many of us here can. What I have found the most useful thus far is giving myself over to my feelings whenever I can. Really let yourself go as deeply as you can with them. Journal as much as you feel able to, or find another way to express your grief which works best for you. With 4 children, you may have to really work at carving out the time to grieve.

Oddly enough, what I have found most difficult about my own devestating experience - is the acknowledgement of my own strengh. To paraphrase Nelson Mandela, it is not our darkness that frightens us - it is our light, and the strengh and brilliance of that light. Letting my light, my strengh, shine through - being present for my family and friends, my other child and my husband - this has been the most difficult for me; where I would love to sink into the earth and vanish, and keep thinking that really this is all I am capable of doing, and how come I'm NOT doing it?! - facing my inner strengh has been the toughest part of this experience for me, personally. Acknowledging the depth of my grief and my capacity to carry it - this has shook me to my very core.

I guess what I'm trying to say to you, sweet mama, is that you too, are a strong person, a strong woman who is capable of bearing such an anguished burden. This is not to say that you won't have moments of "weakness" - of thinking that you cannot go on another minute and that you would give just about ANYTHING to hold your precious daughter in your arms again - those are the moments that you give yourself over to as *completely* as possible, because those are the moments that you are moving your grief through you, moving through your grief, and giving yourself over to those moments are what will end up strenghing you in the end.

My heart goes out to you; my thoughts are with you, your family and with Clara. I wish you deep peace and healing.

May the strengh of the Divine help you to find your own inner strengh, and may you be blessed with Love and Light.

















Jen


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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

Rebecca,
I don't have much time to post at the moment, but I feel the need to say hello right away. I also chose to continue with our plans to homebirth after discovering that our sweet full term babe had past away. On a thurs. we heard her heart for the last time. Monday morning I awoke very early feeling something was not right. Saw our midwife, could find no heartbeat. We met later at the hospital for a confirmation ultrasound. We initiated labor and went home. I could think of no other place to birth my daughter. Having her at home was such a blessing. I have to go for now, dinnertime! Please feel free to send a personal message, if you would like to email I will send you my address through a pm. I would be very happy to talk with you.
your friend,
Brandi


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## julielp (Jul 16, 2004)

Rebecca, I am soo soo sorry for your loss. I also had a still birth but mine happened within about 5 hrs. I couldn't imagine knowing that baby was gone before. My experience was totally different but i still know the pain. I"m so sorry that this happened to you but things will get better. Mine was on June 25th so that is about a month and a half and i'm still having a hard time. But things are better than they were last week and yesterday and i hope that tomorrow will be better also. If ya ever need someone to listen i'm here. much love,
Julie


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Thank you to all you mama's who have shared your stories....it means so much to me to read them...somewhat feeling part of you...part of your grief.

I can't post much tonight...I am very tired and EMOTIONAL!!! Love to all of you mama's!!

Jackie


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## girlfromthefuture (Aug 2, 2004)

I wanted to share a website with you all~

www.artinutero.com

The artist, Lisa Wood, creates protraits from ultrasound pictures. To date, she's only done a few pictures of babies who died. Abe and I had a picture created from Emerson's 20 week ultrasound. It's comforting to have a "beautiful" picture of her - if you know what I mean - no tubes, discoloration....just a memory of a beautiful time when she lived inside me.

I wish I knew how to attach a file here - I'd send her proof, so you could see it.


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