# Has losing your child changed the way you view birth?



## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Hello ladies!

I am just really curious and please forgive me if I am not asking in the right way. I have not began TTC yet, but I am really thinking of trying as soon as in the next couple days while I am in my fertile stages, but anyway, I wanted a natural delivery with my little girl, which I had--it was a v-bac with no drugs, no anything. I didn't know she had passed until she was pushed out because the EFM had a heartbeat the entire time!

Now that I am thinking of ttc again I don't know what to do about whether to pursue another natural birth or just go for a c-section, it is either or for me, there is no induction seeing as though I have a scar on my uterus, the CNM I saw at the time knew how much I wanted/still want a natural birth she even said if I wanted she'd give me a low dose pit if that's what I wanted. But let me get back on topic. Bringing home a healthy baby is what matters most for me, but I have to tell you that my last c-section experience was not that great and I was informed I almost died and that it was my fault which it wasn't so this is why I am terrified of another c-section.

My question is have you ladies decided you still wanted a natural delivery, or have you decided to be induced or have a c-section? Thanks ladies, I hope you understand my question.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

My situation is slightly different in that I knew my daughter Audrey had passed and was induced to start delivery. (I was 34 weeks.) I had the option of waiting for labor to start on its own, but emotionally it was too hard to wait. While it was more medical (Cytotec, IV, epidural) than the natural birth center birth I had been planning for, it was about as good as it possibly could have been considering the circumstances. That was my first pregnancy and delivery.

Four and a half months later, I am pregnant again. I have to say that I want a natural birth just as much as I did the first time, although I understand the necessity of seeing an OB and birthing in a hospital. During my first pregnancy, I read Ina May and did the Hypnobabies homestudy program, and I still honestly believe that most of the time, things go right. Obviously, I know there are no guarantees, but I do believe that our bodies were designed to carry our babies and deliver naturally. The main reason I wanted a natural birth in the first place still applies as well - I believe it is the safest option for my baby.

I also feel like it will be part of the healing process for me. Along with losing Audrey, I lost some of my dreams (midwife-assisted birth center birth), so I am grabbing on to those dreams that are still within my reach (natural and unmedicated birth). It's also important to me not to ruled by fear. That is so hard in a pregnancy after a loss, but as a Christian, I am trusting God that all things are possible. I am definitely relying on Jesus a lot, and I don't know if I could do this without Him. But with His strength and a whole lot of prayer, I'm going for it.

Would I allow induction or c-section for the health and safety of my baby? Absolutely and with no regrets. But I'm not ready to give up on my dream. Besides, I survived two doses of Cytotec that were four times what they normally give for a live birth. I had to wait an hour and a half for the epidural after I requested it. And during that time, I was in control (no screaming, cursing, crying, etc), and I was able to breathe and moan through each contraction. I also talked with my husband recently, and he told me that he had no idea that I was experiencing the worst pain of my life by looking at my expressions. I mention all that to pat myself on the back a little bit.









Ultimately, this is a personal decision, based on many factors (physical, emotional, medical, mental, spiritual). I think the most important thing is to educate yourself on your options and the risks/benefits and then make a choice you can live with.









My thoughts and prayers go to all the mamas considering these issues. And most of all, I pray for healthy babies no matter how they get here.







:

Hugs,
Kathleen


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## jerri (Apr 6, 2005)

That seems to be a very personal decision, mostly related to your individual experiences with birth. Our loss was very different, and c-section has never been an option. In my opinion, the most important part, is finding a care giver or birth team that you can completely trust to hear what you are saying and carry out your wishes when you are in an emotional/painful state.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Thanks for the answers I appreciate it. I hope that my question did not offend anyone and if it did then I am sorry. I was just wondering.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Samaria -
I do wish for a peaceful birth this time around. I had two wonderful births before Norah (she was an induced birth because she already was dead which I don't count as an enjoyable birth). But, I have resigned myself that this birth will not be like the first two. I always go past 40 weeks and Norah died at 40 weeks. I want to have this baby before 40 weeks so the only way to get that done is to plan an induction. So, my time of having unassisted births is past. This one will probably be induced but I'll still try to make it as low intervention as I possibly can.
D.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

i definately have my preferences but i am far less hungup on the details of the whole experience, controlling it and what have you, than just being present and having the baby healthy. i really love and trust my ob and hospital staff - in fact, weve requested the same staff as the stillbirth (which i also did with knowledge of the babies passing) and we - interestingly, my dh particularly - wants to share a joyful birth wtih those who took such good care of us last time.


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## midnightmommy (Apr 14, 2008)

Passing my miscarriage naturally at home make me think I may just have the strength to UC. I was scared to labor at home even for a home birth, but now I really think that with the right research and resources I wouldn't be so scared.


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## Kiera09 (Sep 2, 2008)

My situation is a bit different.

With my first I had a very natural hands off pregnancy and birth. We did have an U/S at 22 weeks - mainly because my DH really wanted one. But we didn't do anything else beyond peeing on sticks at the midwife's office.

Now I've had a molar pregnancy. I bonded with a baby who wasn't even there for 3 months.

When I do get pregnant again - I will want, no - I will need to have an early U/S (6 weeks) just to make sure that everything is OK. I will probably also choose to have one around 13 weeks - just to make sure that everything is developing fine. I will need those for my peace of mind. Some of my faith has been lost.

I will still pursue a natural birth, probably at home with a midwife. But I can't say for sure. I just want a baby.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Thanks ladies, I truly appreciate your comments. Kiera, like you and the other ladies I just want a baby too. Thanks again


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Yes, my view of birth has changed. I know that bad things can happen in labor because they happened to me. I trusted my body and the birthing process and my baby died. My next baby will be a repeat C/S. I could VBAC, but I seriously don't think I could emotionally/psychologically go through labor again, knowing how it ended the first time. I hear of women making elaborate birth plans for their planned C-sections. Want to know my birth plan the next time around? I don't care what they have to do, just get that baby breathing as soon as s/he is born. I want to hear screams! And THEN bring my baby to me.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Most definitely my views on birth have changed. I always felt that our bodies were some magical vessel that did everything right and babies always did fine. Well, they are and do... the majority of the time. It's that minority that I was worried about. I was in that minority and I don't ever want to be there again. And I've even had very medical births, but before Calliope was stillborn I felt that I was on the road to an eventual homebirth. She was supposed to be my 'natural' birth. Well, I'm not on that road anymore. Which is okay with me at this point.

Calliope died at 40 weeks 4 days. Because she died at that time I couldn't go past that point in the following pregnancy (Ambrose). I was induced at 39 weeks, and I can tell you the count-down to getting baby out is extremely stressful. The anxiety and fear build and build. My mind did crazy things. Every night I went to bed convinced I would wake the next morning to no movement and that baby was dead. Everyday it gets worse and worse. I went in the day I was induced absolutely 100% convinced that I was not coming home with a baby. That's what my mind was telling me, even while I could hear his little heart beating away with the doppler. Those last couple of weeks are really hard.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dalene* 
Want to know my birth plan the next time around? I don't care what they have to do, just get that baby breathing as soon as s/he is born. I want to hear screams! And THEN bring my baby to me.

And I will second everything Dalene said as well. This is *exactly* how I felt.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Gosh, you ladies are saying everything I don't know how to say! I know it is all a personal decision at the end of the day. I am just so afraid. I am afraid either way I won't bring a baby home, whether I have an c-section or natural birth my mind is convincing me I won't bring a baby home. I know I've said this for like the 3rd time but I really appreciate you all being so open with your feelings.

I too had this idea birth was a natural event, and that it is something our bodies just know how to do. But I figure maybe something is wrong with my body.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

I just have to say Ambrose is BEAUTIFUL

Quote:


Originally Posted by *apecaut* 
Most definitely my views on birth have changed. I always felt that our bodies were some magical vessel that did everything right and babies always did fine. Well, they are and do... the majority of the time. It's that minority that I was worried about. I was in that minority and I don't ever want to be there again. And I've even had very medical births, but before Calliope was stillborn I felt that I was on the road to an eventual homebirth. She was supposed to be my 'natural' birth. Well, I'm not on that road anymore. Which is okay with me at this point.

Calliope died at 40 weeks 4 days. Because she died at that time I couldn't go past that point in the following pregnancy (Ambrose). I was induced at 39 weeks, and I can tell you the count-down to getting baby out is extremely stressful. The anxiety and fear build and build. My mind did crazy things. Every night I went to bed convinced I would wake the next morning to no movement and that baby was dead. Everyday it gets worse and worse. I went in the day I was induced absolutely 100% convinced that I was not coming home with a baby. That's what my mind was telling me, even while I could hear his little heart beating away with the doppler. Those last couple of weeks are really hard.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samaria86* 
But I figure maybe something is wrong with my body.

I felt like something was wrong with me too and that my body would kill any subsequent baby. I still feel like that, even since I had Ambrose. I will feel like that in a future pregnancy too. I can't help it and I know it will never go away. While pregnant, the fear will always be there for me.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samaria86* 
I just have to say Ambrose is BEAUTIFUL

Thank you.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Yes, my views have changed.

I still view birth as fairly safe. I view homebirth as dangerous (no flames please). I thought I trusted my midwife. I will never bring another in that I doon't know EVERYTHING about. Mine didn't tell me alot about her track record. I no longer see a 36 week birth as having a healthy baby. Then again, I don't want to deal with all the medical stuff. I also want my next to be thoroughly looked over/tested so I know everything is fine. My thoughts/feelings really flip flop around. I am going to find and interview an OB before we TTC. I no longer feel they are horrible and out to get you. There are just as many bad midwives as there are bad ob's.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

For sure! Dresden's birth was supposed to be my magical vbac - I rarely ever even reclined for fear of making him posterior and getting that dreaded label of failure to progress - like last time! I read all the natural birth books, drank RRL tea constantly in the last trimester to strengthn that uterus! Next time I'll be signing up for my 3rd c-section immediately and as early as possible! I lost my son at 39 weeks.. the only guilt I feel right now is that IF i had just chosen a 2nd c-section, he would have already been born by then! If they want to take my next baby out at 36 weeks, I'll be jumping for joy!


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
For sure! Dresden's birth was supposed to be my magical vbac - I rarely ever even reclined for fear of making him posterior and getting that dreaded label of failure to progress - like last time! I read all the natural birth books, drank RRL tea constantly in the last trimester to strengthn that uterus! Next time I'll be signing up for my 3rd c-section immediately and as early as possible! I lost my son at 39 weeks.. the only guilt I feel right now is that IF i had just chosen a 2nd c-section, he would have already been born by then! If they want to take my next baby out at 36 weeks, I'll be jumping for joy!


I TOO was drinking RRL tea in the last trimester and didn't recline..ahhh crazy stuff


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommato5* 
Yes, my views have changed.

I still view birth as fairly safe. I view homebirth as dangerous (no flames please). I thought I trusted my midwife. I will never bring another in that I doon't know EVERYTHING about. Mine didn't tell me alot about her track record. I no longer see a 36 week birth as having a healthy baby. Then again, I don't want to deal with all the medical stuff. I also want my next to be thoroughly looked over/tested so I know everything is fine. My thoughts/feelings really flip flop around. I am going to find and interview an OB before we TTC. I no longer feel they are horrible and out to get you. There are just as many bad midwives as there are bad ob's.

So you will proceed with an induction? *I hope* I am not overstepping my boundaries I just really want different views, I am not pregnant yet, I want to think about this before I am pregnant because I don't want so much stress on myself and the baby, because I will definitely have fears x100 to deal with.


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## mountainmummy (Sep 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SMR* 
For sure! Dresden's birth was supposed to be my magical vbac - I rarely ever even reclined for fear of making him posterior and getting that dreaded label of failure to progress - like last time! I read all the natural birth books, drank RRL tea constantly in the last trimester to strengthn that uterus! Next time I'll be signing up for my 3rd c-section immediately and as early as possible! I lost my son at 39 weeks.. the only guilt I feel right now is that IF i had just chosen a 2nd c-section, he would have already been born by then! If they want to take my next baby out at 36 weeks, I'll be jumping for joy!

I haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to say this is exactly what I was anticipating. A healing, natural, ball bouncing, tub soaking vbac, to help me let go of my son's prior disastrous csection (he lived). Now, I will take whatever is suggested. Sad, I have abandoned all my ideals about having my perfect birth story etc, now I just want a breathing, heartbeating baby in my arms. The rest is pretty much irrelevant.
(We lost our daughter full term, 39 weeks, a year ago on Sept. 15th.).


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mountainmummy* 
I haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to say this is exactly what I was anticipating. A healing, natural, ball bouncing, tub soaking vbac, to help me let go of my son's prior disastrous csection (he lived). Now, I will take whatever is suggested. Sad, I have abandoned all my ideals about having my perfect birth story etc, now I just want a breathing, heartbeating baby in my arms. The rest is pretty much irrelevant.
(We lost our daughter full term, 39 weeks, a year ago on Sept. 15th.).

I am so sorry you lost your little girl.









ITA with everything you said also.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

i hear you mountain mummy. that was perfectly said.


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## somanyjoys (Mar 14, 2006)

My birth plans have changed, too. I had a c-section with my daughter and wholeheartedly planned a vbac with Isaac (lost at 20 weeks). Now that I've been exposed to what can go wrong, I am fearful. I know my body can do it, but I am not going to push it. I'll attempt a vbac, but I'll accept full fetal monitoring knowing that at the first sign of a problem, I'll go for that c-section. And although going into labor on my own is my priority, I don't think I'll be open to going past 40 weeks.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mountainmummy* 
Now, I will take whatever is suggested. Sad, I have abandoned all my ideals about having my perfect birth story etc, now I just want a breathing, heartbeating baby in my arms. The rest is pretty much irrelevant.

Definitely. Part of my grieving process has been to mourn that I may never have a vaginal birth. I'm mostly OK with knowing that now...at least I experienced labor, I suppose--3 days of it.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samaria86* 
So you will proceed with an induction? *I hope* I am not overstepping my boundaries I just really want different views, I am not pregnant yet, I want to think about this before I am pregnant because I don't want so much stress on myself and the baby, because I will definitely have fears x100 to deal with.

If I had an actual medical reason for induction, I would. However, knowing all I know, I don't think I would need it. I cannot say 100% what I would do or wouldn't do. If I was told I needed a c-section and I felt it best, I would. However, if I found no medical reason, I wouldn't. Not sure if I make sense or not. If I was told that I had to be induced for being overdue, I would NOT go for it. I know that babies need to cook as long as possible. I have never went even to my due date, so I cannot see that ever being an issue. If the baby had a medical issue, I would do all I could to ensure a safe delivery to give it every chance to survive. These are the only things I don't think that my thoughts/feelings on would change on. However, it's too soon to even say for certain would I would or wouldn't do on anything else. I'm so scared of having another baby and being told it's fine only to have it pass away and find that something could of been done to save it, ya know. I can't go through that again. Luckily it will be a little while before I'm ready to take that leap again. I have plenty of time to find a good ob. Now I understand why after a bad experience, people don't want to deal with doctors. I kinda feel the same about midwives now. I have one I trust but she's out of state. I probably make no sense, do I????


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

Has it changed the way I think about birth? Somewhat. Has it changed the way I think about and anticipate pregnancy? Absolutely.

For the birth itself, the loss of our son was the catalyst I needed to push me into midwifery studies. I truly believe in the ability of my body to do what it needs to do to birth a baby, but I also know that things can go wrong, and there's nothing anyone can do about it (including a doctor in a hospital). I was planning a UC with that pregnancy, and wound up with an incredibly traumatic hospital experience. At the same time I learned a lot about myself and the strength of my partner and our relationship.

For pregnancy, it absolutely changed everything. As a midwifery student, I believe in the safety of HB, I don't believe in the safety of routine ultrasound, and I don't believe in most of what an OB requires. Yet during the next pregnancy I will be having at least 2 ultrasounds with a perinatologist, who I will be seeing in tandem with a HBMW. I have a lot of fears around the pregnancy and what can go wrong, but at this point I have to just accept that things CAN go wrong, and they DID go wrong, and they may or may not will go wrong again. And that ultimately I can't change that.

As for whether I'd schedule a c-section, absolutely not. I know the risks of C-section, especially when they're scheduled, and those risks scare me more than any of the above. I would feel that I was unnecessarily _choosing_ to risk my child's health and well-being for my own convenience.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

You absolutely make sense to me. I think of all those same things myself. I myself am not pregnant yet and I think this is part of the reason why I am not pregnant, I don't know what I will do or won't do and I am just confused and so afraid.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommato5* 
If I had an actual medical reason for induction, I would. However, knowing all I know, I don't think I would need it. I cannot say 100% what I would do or wouldn't do. If I was told I needed a c-section and I felt it best, I would. However, if I found no medical reason, I wouldn't. Not sure if I make sense or not. If I was told that I had to be induced for being overdue, I would NOT go for it. I know that babies need to cook as long as possible. I have never went even to my due date, so I cannot see that ever being an issue. If the baby had a medical issue, I would do all I could to ensure a safe delivery to give it every chance to survive. These are the only things I don't think that my thoughts/feelings on would change on. However, it's too soon to even say for certain would I would or wouldn't do on anything else. I'm so scared of having another baby and being told it's fine only to have it pass away and find that something could of been done to save it, ya know. I can't go through that again. Luckily it will be a little while before I'm ready to take that leap again. I have plenty of time to find a good ob. Now I understand why after a bad experience, people don't want to deal with doctors. I kinda feel the same about midwives now. I have one I trust but she's out of state. I probably make no sense, do I????


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cristeen* 
Has it changed the way I think about birth? Somewhat. Has it changed the way I think about and anticipate pregnancy? Absolutely.

For the birth itself, the loss of our son was the catalyst I needed to push me into midwifery studies. I truly believe in the ability of my body to do what it needs to do to birth a baby, but I also know that things can go wrong, and there's nothing anyone can do about it (including a doctor in a hospital). I was planning a UC with that pregnancy, and wound up with an incredibly traumatic hospital experience. At the same time I learned a lot about myself and the strength of my partner and our relationship.

For pregnancy, it absolutely changed everything. As a midwifery student, I believe in the safety of HB, I don't believe in the safety of routine ultrasound, and I don't believe in most of what an OB requires. Yet during the next pregnancy I will be having at least 2 ultrasounds with a perinatologist, who I will be seeing in tandem with a HBMW. I have a lot of fears around the pregnancy and what can go wrong, but at this point I have to just accept that things CAN go wrong, and they DID go wrong, and they may or may not will go wrong again. And that ultimately I can't change that.

As for whether I'd schedule a c-section, absolutely not. I know the risks of C-section, especially when they're scheduled, and those risks scare me more than any of the above. I would feel that I was unnecessarily _choosing_ to risk my child's health and well-being for my own convenience.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I myself am so confused on what I will/want to do. I can't even begin to write it without it making no sense.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Just want to give a big thanks to all the ladies for being so open with your stories I appreciate them and they are really helpful to see so many different views.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

For me, my son's loss was not related to the process of being born. I wanted peaceful, natural births with all my children... and that's what I got. My subsequent children slid gleefully into the hands of my beloved midwife. I nursed right away. Baby checks were done while the baby was on my body. So much joy!

I do know ladies who've lost babies who do go the other way... saying they'd rather have all the risk on themselves than on the baby but I don't agree. How could I feel right about a child that I had to butchered up to born? I think it messes with your head.

I hope all the replies have helped you know your own mind.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Samaria,
With my first 3 children, I experienced an uneventful induction
at 42 weeks, an unplanned C/S at 42 weeks for fetal distress (HR dipping into the 60's with contractions) and a gloriously quick,
completely natural - although in the hospital - VBAC at exactly 40
weeks. All three had no complications, and I was planning to
VBAC again with my 4th child, J.T. I did, at 38 weeks, with an epidural
for pain this time, although nothing could touch the pain in my heart.
Unbeknownst to us, J.T.'s umbilical cord had become wrapped 3
times around his legs and my contractions cut off his probably
already diminished O2 supply. I felt him moving with contractions
at home . . . and when they triaged me an hour later at the hospital,
my beautiful boy was already gone. There was nothing they could do.

Please let me preface what I am about to write by saying that this is
SUCH a personal choice, and we all totally have rights to our own,
often strong, opinions on the subject.
Let's all respect each others viewpoints.
I am just answering Samaria's original question with MY own thoughts:
When I blessedly got pregnant with my Rainbow 3 months after we
lost J.T., there was no doubt in my mind that this was going to be
a HIGHLY monitored pregnancy and a very "medical" birth . . .
which is not to say that it was not special or enjoyable . . . .
I am an R.N. and I am pretty knowledgeable about choices, risks, etc.
I chose to have a C-section at 37 weeks exactly. I knew the risks
to me; I knew that Will might possibly have respiratory trouble, but
I also knew that at full-term, those risks were very minimal. I was on
bedrest at the end, because I was so huge with an antroverted - and
very thin-walled uterus - a good sized baby and mild polyhydramnios.
There was NO WAY I was going to go to 38 weeks; I couldn't go to the
point at which I had lost J.T.
I had my section in a very small town hospital (25 beds) and let me tell
you it was like a party in the OR. There was a small team waiting for
Will, a handful of nurses I knew, my OB who had followed the pregnancy
giving a running commentary as she performed the surgery, my DH
and also my sister who was taking photos (something they totally
forbade in the big medical center where I had my other section.)
My birth plan was pretty straightforward: get him out safely and
I want to hear him screaming. It was a beautiful birth. Calm. Happy.
I remember everything and have some great photos of Will not even
a second old. He was 7 lbs, 10 oz. and wailed beautifully. I may not have
gotten to hold him right away (although they did hold him to me for
me to see and kiss him) but his Daddy did.
I would choose to do it the same way if I ever decide to ttc again.


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## mommato5 (Feb 19, 2007)

I have to say that my daughter would not of died if I had been in a hospital. I know this for a fact. My midwife was negligent in a major way.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
For me, my son's loss was not related to the process of being born. I wanted peaceful, natural births with all my children... and that's what I got. My subsequent children slid gleefully into the hands of my beloved midwife. I nursed right away. Baby checks were done while the baby was on my body. So much joy!

I do know ladies who've lost babies who do go the other way... saying they'd rather have all the risk on themselves than on the baby but I don't agree. How could I feel right about a child that I had to butchered up to born? I think it messes with your head.

I hope all the replies have helped you know your own mind.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

We lost our son during the pushing phase of birth at 41 weeks gestation. I developed PTSD about that, and still to this day get panic attacks when I go on a maternity ward. Because of that, plus a bone marrow disorder I developed a year afterwards, I will not only be having a planned c-section, but an early planned c-section. At this point, I want the baby alive, no matter how she gets here--the risk of leaving her in until I go into labor naturally is much greater than I want to take...

Before that, I would have loved a homebirth. In some ways, I still would...but unless Miss Mia comes quickly hours before my 36 week c-section, it won't happen. (Now, if I go into labor before the scheduled c-section, which is highly unlikely, I would birth her naturally in a second). But before, I wanted the baby AND the great birth experience...now I just want her and I to both make it back home safe and sound.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

while I feel tons of empathy towards all of you and respect everyone's views *completely* to a T, I have an opposite pov. more natural, more hands off. no md's will be seeing me at all (never have, just have cnm's and a lay midwife which I think I may not see at all if I am blessed with another). while I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, and certainly not myself, birth is a very personal experience. so is death. I don't want to feel invaded with either.

huge huge way too empathetic hugs to all of you.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *philomom* 
For me, my son's loss was not related to the process of being born. I wanted peaceful, natural births with all my children... and that's what I got. My subsequent children slid gleefully into the hands of my beloved midwife. I nursed right away. Baby checks were done while the baby was on my body. So much joy!

I do know ladies who've lost babies who do go the other way... saying they'd rather have all the risk on themselves than on the baby but I don't agree. How could I feel right about a child that I had to butchered up to born? I think it messes with your head.

I hope all the replies have helped you know your own mind.

Philomom, yes all the relpies are very helpful to me. I am not pregnant yet but I still have these constant thoughts. Can I ask you if you had fear allowing nature to take it's course? I hope that is worded right, I mean even those who've scheduled inductions and or surgery I am are terrified but how did you deal with it? I appreciate your response.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I have had two hospital births, two homebirths and one miscarriage. I am currently planning my third homebirth, but there is still a small part of me that is really scared and almost wants to have a hospital birth with all the bells and whistles just to make sure my baby survives. It's crazy, because I've always said I'd never go back to the hospital to give birth. I probably won't, it's just the fear talking, but it's a little odd to have that fear when I used to trust birth so much.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

I totally agree with you that it is definitely a personal decision whichever way we all decide to go, I truly appreciate everyone's opinion and standpoint on it. It all really gives me different situations to ponder. And congrats on your rainbow baby

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bluewatergirl* 
Samaria,
With my first 3 children, I experienced an uneventful induction
at 42 weeks, an unplanned C/S at 42 weeks for fetal distress (HR dipping into the 60's with contractions) and a gloriously quick,
completely natural - although in the hospital - VBAC at exactly 40
weeks. All three had no complications, and I was planning to
VBAC again with my 4th child, J.T. I did, at 38 weeks, with an epidural
for pain this time, although nothing could touch the pain in my heart.
Unbeknownst to us, J.T.'s umbilical cord had become wrapped 3
times around his legs and my contractions cut off his probably
already diminished O2 supply. I felt him moving with contractions
at home . . . and when they triaged me an hour later at the hospital,
my beautiful boy was already gone. There was nothing they could do.

Please let me preface what I am about to write by saying that this is
SUCH a personal choice, and we all totally have rights to our own,
often strong, opinions on the subject.
Let's all respect each others viewpoints.
I am just answering Samaria's original question with MY own thoughts:
When I blessedly got pregnant with my Rainbow 3 months after we
lost J.T., there was no doubt in my mind that this was going to be
a HIGHLY monitored pregnancy and a very "medical" birth . . .
which is not to say that it was not special or enjoyable . . . .
I am an R.N. and I am pretty knowledgeable about choices, risks, etc.
I chose to have a C-section at 37 weeks exactly. I knew the risks
to me; I knew that Will might possibly have respiratory trouble, but
I also knew that at full-term, those risks were very minimal. I was on
bedrest at the end, because I was so huge with an antroverted - and
very thin-walled uterus - a good sized baby and mild polyhydramnios.
There was NO WAY I was going to go to 38 weeks; I couldn't go to the
point at which I had lost J.T.
I had my section in a very small town hospital (25 beds) and let me tell
you it was like a party in the OR. There was a small team waiting for
Will, a handful of nurses I knew, my OB who had followed the pregnancy
giving a running commentary as she performed the surgery, my DH
and also my sister who was taking photos (something they totally
forbade in the big medical center where I had my other section.)
My birth plan was pretty straightforward: get him out safely and
I want to hear him screaming. It was a beautiful birth. Calm. Happy.
I remember everything and have some great photos of Will not even
a second old. He was 7 lbs, 10 oz. and wailed beautifully. I may not have
gotten to hold him right away (although they did hold him to me for
me to see and kiss him) but his Daddy did.
I would choose to do it the same way if I ever decide to ttc again.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

I can totally understand you having panic attacks. I wish you luck when your babygirl is due and Ryland is beautiful.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AllyRae* 
We lost our son during the pushing phase of birth at 41 weeks gestation. I developed PTSD about that, and still to this day get panic attacks when I go on a maternity ward. Because of that, plus a bone marrow disorder I developed a year afterwards, I will not only be having a planned c-section, but an early planned c-section. At this point, I want the baby alive, no matter how she gets here--the risk of leaving her in until I go into labor naturally is much greater than I want to take...

Before that, I would have loved a homebirth. In some ways, I still would...but unless Miss Mia comes quickly hours before my 36 week c-section, it won't happen. (Now, if I go into labor before the scheduled c-section, which is highly unlikely, I would birth her naturally in a second). But before, I wanted the baby AND the great birth experience...now I just want her and I to both make it back home safe and sound.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mommato5* 
I have to say that my daughter would not of died if I had been in a hospital. I know this for a fact. My midwife was negligent in a major way.

I am really sorry your daughter was loss due to negligence


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *DreamsInDigital* 
I have had two hospital births, two homebirths and one miscarriage. I am currently planning my third homebirth, but there is still a small part of me that is really scared and almost wants to have a hospital birth with all the bells and whistles just to make sure my baby survives. It's crazy, because I've always said I'd never go back to the hospital to give birth. I probably won't, it's just the fear talking, but it's a little odd to have that fear when I used to trust birth so much.

Good luck to you with your homebirth.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Oh, yes. I had many fears. I also did my home work and my research and had a team I could trust during the subsequent pregnancies.... I and the hubby discussed with them over and over again, that yes, I was a "high-risk" case for pregnancy but that the birth would be hands off except for a tad of external monitoring. I ate super well, did mild exercise everyday and used some guided imagery to help from freaking out. I also saw a counselor some to help smooth over some of the bad thoughts that surfaced.

And yeah, maybe I was just lucky the second and third times around... I really don't know. Playing the "what if game" is bad for your head.. I tried to give that up.


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

Yes, it totally changed the way I think about birth. My birth plan for Mary Rose was, elaborate, detailed and slightly dictatorial and at least a page if not 2 long. My birth plan for Adam was, be born, breathe. I told my OB several times that if something happened and Adam had to be delivered through my left nostril, I was ok with that. As long as he was alive. I was able to feel a bit of relief when I heard his APGAR's 8 and 9, so different from sweet Mary Rose's of 1 and 0. I got to finally bring a baby home. That was the most important part for me.


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## chopstickgirl (Oct 5, 2004)

i loved reading everyone's experiences and opinions on birth after a loss.

For me, my story is a bit more convoluted that "only" having to deal with a stillbirth (and no disrespect meant by "only"-i simply mean, medical considerations are more than solely my stillbirth)

Our first daughter, we planned a homebirth, but too bad our midwife sucked and we fired her on my due date. We threw around the idea of UA, but ultimately went to the hospital (no ob, that was an awesome thing, let me assure you all







) when i went into labor @ 41w.

After Mairi was born (long hard labor, ended up getting an epi 34 hours after my water broke, eep), it was discovered (a WEEK later, stupid doctors) that I was actually in heart failure (I had been having symptoms in the last weeks of preg, but they were convinced it was pre-e, only they could never get enough to really say it was, b/c PPCM (my heart condition) mimics a lot of pre-e symptoms)

ANYWAY, so i was in heart failure, ICU stay, good times.

I recovered fully (Thank God) and got pregnant with Catriana. I went with a high risk OB b/c of my history of heart failure in pregnancy, but he was awesome and said he would let me go to term if my heart condition didn't come back.

It didn't, so I went into labor naturally, @ 41w, just like with mairi. the day i went into labor is when we found out catti had died. I delivered vaginally (and she was 13lbs 8oz and 25 inches







) with an epidural, only 7 hours of labor though.

Unfortunately, as if having to deal with having a stillbirth wasn't enough, I relapsed back into heart failure (not nearly as bad this time, no hospital stay, and it was asymptomatic)

My heart recovered, and we decided to have another baby this summer. Of course my cardio almost had a heart attack himself, but my heart had fully recovered, and is very strong and healthy.

But, this time...I admit to being almost glad I have this PPCM heart issue on top of stillbirth, b/c it pretty much eliminates my birth choices. I feel guilty for saying that, but I'm being honest. B/c my heart condition occurs @ the end of the 3rd trimester, my cardio has decided it's safest for me to eliminate the end of the 3rd trimester all together. He wants a delivery at 36w, regardless of if I am relapsing or not.

My OB would prefer me going to 37w (which it will probably be closer to that anyway, just b/c I hit 36w on a saturday, and i want a friday section, LOL) but nothing past that, b/c of catti's stillbirth, and the issues surrounding her death (long story-but fatal b/c she was so late, if this baby has the same issue, if delivered earlier, won't be fatal)

Anyway, I thought for a long time I didn't care how this baby got here, just cut me open, get it out, show me it's alive. the thought of going through labor made me think i'd go mental and need high doses of meds (as in prozac or sedative or SOMETHING) to get through it.

The past month or so, I have felt freedom-I realize I don't really have a choice, BUT if I did, I just might think about an induction and another vaginal birth. Also b/c Catti was so big (and dead), I spent 2 hours in the OR after she was born, getting my bits put back together. I am not quite sure (nor is my OB) if my bits would even be able to support birthing a normal sized baby (and likely at 36w i'll already have an 8lber or so!)

Sorry so rambly...I guess all that to say-I have somewhat lost my faith-for me-it's great if homebirth and water birth and whatever you want birth works out for you, but for me, Birth Mattered...until it didn't. Now, I have peace with the journey I will have to take, and I am ok with it, and scared to death of it, LMAO. I am relearning the trust and faith in my body, and that's really what is important to me, no matter how this baby is born.

*hugs* to you all.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *bluewatergirl* 
I had my section in a very small town hospital (25 beds) and let me tell
you it was like a party in the OR. There was a small team waiting for
Will, a handful of nurses I knew, my OB who had followed the pregnancy
giving a running commentary as she performed the surgery, my DH
and also my sister who was taking photos (something they totally
forbade in the big medical center where I had my other section.)
My birth plan was pretty straightforward: get him out safely and
I want to hear him screaming. It was a beautiful birth. Calm. Happy.
I remember everything and have some great photos of Will not even
a second old. He was 7 lbs, 10 oz. and wailed beautifully. I may not have
gotten to hold him right away (although they did hold him to me for
me to see and kiss him) but his Daddy did.
I would choose to do it the same way if I ever decide to ttc again.

Thanks for sharing, bluewater. It really helps me to hear your story...in fact, I had DH read it, too. I hope to have a similar birth, and similar outcome (breathing baby), with my next pregnancy.


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## lil_stinkyfeet (Nov 12, 2006)

Since I had an early miscarriage my feelings of the birth haven't changed. I have delivered all of my children in the hospital with a family practice doctor. It is a tiny 1 delivery room hospital and I have had excellent experiences.

My second born child was born not breathing and had to be resessitated and b/c of that I am fearful of doing a home birth. Having this recent miscarraige and I TERRIFIED that if we decided to have another baby that something will happen to him/her. In my other pregnancies I barely gave that a thought, but now it makes me not want to tell anyone until I deliver the baby and bring the baby home.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

JEN(ChopstickGirl, I hope you don't mind me saying JEN). But like you this is why I started this thread I thoroughly enjoy seeing everyone's experiences after a loss. It is comforting to me to see that however born a baby is here with their family and alive and well. So regardless of what we choose to do I just love knowing there is a healthy baby waiting.

I think I would like the fact of not having much of a choice either I have to admit.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chopstickgirl* 
i loved reading everyone's experiences and opinions on birth after a loss.

For me, my story is a bit more convoluted that "only" having to deal with a stillbirth (and no disrespect meant by "only"-i simply mean, medical considerations are more than solely my stillbirth)

Our first daughter, we planned a homebirth, but too bad our midwife sucked and we fired her on my due date. We threw around the idea of UA, but ultimately went to the hospital (no ob, that was an awesome thing, let me assure you all







) when i went into labor @ 41w.

After Mairi was born (long hard labor, ended up getting an epi 34 hours after my water broke, eep), it was discovered (a WEEK later, stupid doctors) that I was actually in heart failure (I had been having symptoms in the last weeks of preg, but they were convinced it was pre-e, only they could never get enough to really say it was, b/c PPCM (my heart condition) mimics a lot of pre-e symptoms)

ANYWAY, so i was in heart failure, ICU stay, good times.

I recovered fully (Thank God) and got pregnant with Catriana. I went with a high risk OB b/c of my history of heart failure in pregnancy, but he was awesome and said he would let me go to term if my heart condition didn't come back.

It didn't, so I went into labor naturally, @ 41w, just like with mairi. the day i went into labor is when we found out catti had died. I delivered vaginally (and she was 13lbs 8oz and 25 inches







) with an epidural, only 7 hours of labor though.

Unfortunately, as if having to deal with having a stillbirth wasn't enough, I relapsed back into heart failure (not nearly as bad this time, no hospital stay, and it was asymptomatic)

My heart recovered, and we decided to have another baby this summer. Of course my cardio almost had a heart attack himself, but my heart had fully recovered, and is very strong and healthy.

But, this time...I admit to being almost glad I have this PPCM heart issue on top of stillbirth, b/c it pretty much eliminates my birth choices. I feel guilty for saying that, but I'm being honest. B/c my heart condition occurs @ the end of the 3rd trimester, my cardio has decided it's safest for me to eliminate the end of the 3rd trimester all together. He wants a delivery at 36w, regardless of if I am relapsing or not.

My OB would prefer me going to 37w (which it will probably be closer to that anyway, just b/c I hit 36w on a saturday, and i want a friday section, LOL) but nothing past that, b/c of catti's stillbirth, and the issues surrounding her death (long story-but fatal b/c she was so late, if this baby has the same issue, if delivered earlier, won't be fatal)

Anyway, I thought for a long time I didn't care how this baby got here, just cut me open, get it out, show me it's alive. the thought of going through labor made me think i'd go mental and need high doses of meds (as in prozac or sedative or SOMETHING) to get through it.

The past month or so, I have felt freedom-I realize I don't really have a choice, BUT if I did, I just might think about an induction and another vaginal birth. Also b/c Catti was so big (and dead), I spent 2 hours in the OR after she was born, getting my bits put back together. I am not quite sure (nor is my OB) if my bits would even be able to support birthing a normal sized baby (and likely at 36w i'll already have an 8lber or so!)

Sorry so rambly...I guess all that to say-I have somewhat lost my faith-for me-it's great if homebirth and water birth and whatever you want birth works out for you, but for me, Birth Mattered...until it didn't. Now, I have peace with the journey I will have to take, and I am ok with it, and scared to death of it, LMAO. I am relearning the trust and faith in my body, and that's really what is important to me, no matter how this baby is born.

*hugs* to you all.


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## chopstickgirl (Oct 5, 2004)

thanks-not having a choice feels weird but good LOL

and i love your son's name, if this baby is a boy, we are going to name him Elijah


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chopstickgirl* 
thanks-not having a choice feels weird but good LOL

and i love your son's name, if this baby is a boy, we are going to name him Elijah









Thank you! I love the name Elijah.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Samaria86* 
Hello ladies!

I wanted a natural delivery with my little girl, which I had--it was a v-bac with no drugs, no anything. I didn't know she had passed until she was pushed out because the EFM had a heartbeat the entire time!

Now that I am thinking of ttc again I don't know what to do about whether to pursue another natural birth or just go for a c-section, it is either or for me, there is no induction seeing as though I have a scar on my uterus









:

I have to say I breathed a sigh of relief finding this thread ... my loss is so very recent, it's far too soon for me to be thinking in terms of TTC or birth choices but, inevitably, it has been going round and round in my head as I come to terms with the loss of my beautiful Emma.

My experience was so similar to yours. After 2 previous cs, I had a beautiful water labor with 2 wonderful m/w in attendance the whole time. We had a non-emergency transfer and had no idea she had passed away until she was born onto my chest not breathing. Right now, of course I have all the what ifs ... what if she had been a 39 week repeat section? ... would I be cuddling my baby rather than posting here? Yet I cannot get away from the fact that her birthing was everything I hoped it would be until those final few seconds - seconds that have completely changed my whole life in so many ways - future births being just one.

So, yes, this is a path I'm on too ... sign up for a repeat section that terrifies me, because I can't escape the fact that I chose a vaginal birth because I believed that statistically it's safer or "risk" another natural birth. I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to thank you for raising this. Grieving our baby is pretty lonely and finding others who can express something of what I'm feeling is so comforting.


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

Just a quick thought from a doula... my belief is that the most important part of birth is feeling safe and empowered and actively involved in your birth. A birth can be empowering in a hospital, with an OB or a CNM, with interventions... there is no one right way to birth. For me, personally, I feel much safer in a GOOD hospital with my totally amazing CNM. I guess i'm just trying to say that you don't have to give up your dreams of an empowered/empowering birth if the thing that makes sense to you is to have an induction or a c/s or simply to go to the hospital when you had been dreaming of a home birth.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Fireflyforever* 







:

I have to say I breathed a sigh of relief finding this thread ... my loss is so very recent, it's far too soon for me to be thinking in terms of TTC or birth choices but, inevitably, it has been going round and round in my head as I come to terms with the loss of my beautiful Emma.

My experience was so similar to yours. After 2 previous cs, I had a beautiful water labor with 2 wonderful m/w in attendance the whole time. We had a non-emergency transfer and had no idea she had passed away until she was born onto my chest not breathing. Right now, of course I have all the what ifs ... what if she had been a 39 week repeat section? ... would I be cuddling my baby rather than posting here? Yet I cannot get away from the fact that her birthing was everything I hoped it would be until those final few seconds - seconds that have completely changed my whole life in so many ways - future births being just one.

So, yes, this is a path I'm on too ... sign up for a repeat section that terrifies me, because I can't escape the fact that I chose a vaginal birth because I believed that statistically it's safer or "risk" another natural birth. I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to thank you for raising this. Grieving our baby is pretty lonely and finding others who can express something of what I'm feeling is so comforting.









I am so very happy that this thread has helped you in some sort of way. I went back and forth posting this due to the fear I wouldn't be able to say what I meant the right way.

Like you, my v-bac with her was going so well, it was very short only 4 hours of labor and it was a hospital birth but I didn't go to the hospital until I felt the urge to push, I loved being able to do it the way I did I felt free that's the best way to descibe it. But everything turned upside the down when she was out and the OB just whisked her away to the table and all I saw was her pale little body being pressed on vigorously. I long for that experience again *_when I thought everything was fine_* but I don't care about the experience anymore just let me bring a baby home and another one for my baby boy who so desperately wants a sibling.

But I've battled if I decide to go ahead with a c-section the third time around, what if something happens to that baby, and I lose that baby and I am up 2 c/s and still no baby. It's so sad to think this way but I'm never going to feel certain ever ever again.


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## Samaria86 (Jan 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Sanguine* 
Just a quick thought from a doula... my belief is that the most important part of birth is feeling safe and empowered and actively involved in your birth. A birth can be empowering in a hospital, with an OB or a CNM, with interventions... there is no one right way to birth. For me, personally, I feel much safer in a GOOD hospital with my totally amazing CNM. I guess i'm just trying to say that you don't have to give up your dreams of an empowered/empowering birth if the thing that makes sense to you is to have an induction or a c/s or simply to go to the hospital when you had been dreaming of a home birth.

I agree Sanguine, I just wish I knew what to decide. I guess once/if I am pregnant again I will go with my heart.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

chopstkgirl have you delivered???
thanks so much for this thread. it has really been spectacular for me. im 33 weeks now so im thinking about birth and so im also thinking of the stillbirth and all of that. i realized ive never taken birth classes, or anything like that. ive been thru it before, in very different circumstances, and hubby and i are committed to doing this with an open and grateful heart.
our medical team was absolutely fantastic, loving and respectful. we in fact asked for them all back for this birth. im as excited for this birth as i could ever be for a home birth, i feel totally supported, empowered and loved.


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## Tellera (Oct 28, 2005)

It has changed the way I feel about pregnancy. I'm a little lost now, after the belief that the pregnancy (and birth) are natural, and that my body knows what to do. I lost my second ds at 22 1/2 weeks to what is Incompetent Cervix. I have no known risk factors. So, I'm lost. And facing a highly managed next pregnancy (cerclage and bedrest), should I go there.

I really need and want is to get back to is feeling empowered during pregnancy. Which follows with trust, I think, and that I have little of in my body at the moment.


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

When I was having my son and my contractions were disorganized, the midwife and nurses couldn't make sense of what was going on, and I was exhausted from 4 hours of pushing, my doula locked eyes with me and said 'trust your body.' As an abuse survivor, that was terribly difficult. I felt my son's birth healed me of that, but this miscarriage has turned it all upside down. I don't even know that it's my body I don't trust... but the universe.

A thought for anyone who is planning a c/s or wants to prepare in case it's necessary--
Seven years ago I had major surgery on my foot, and found a wonderful book called 'Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster' by Peggy Huddleston. I can't remember if she mentions c/s at all--it's geared more generally for any upcoming surgeries, but I think the principles would be useful. There's a lot about visualization and healing statements you can ask your anesthetist to read to you while you're sedated/anesthetized... it was a wonderful part of my healing, and also gave me something positive to work on leading up to my surgery which helped a lot with my anxiety and gave me something I felt I could DO, instead of just be 'done to.'


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