# Recently discovered that my son is drinking alcohol to be less shy



## ma gusta (Jan 15, 2017)

I don't know how to deal with this. My 16 year old son came home last night and while he was not drunk, his breath smelled like alcohol. At first he would not admit that he had drunk alcohol but then he told me he had had some alcohol. He said that he had only had 2 drinks that were just 5% alcohol and he drank them slowly (he said he never took more than a sip at a time). He told me that the only he reason he drank was because he can dance and flirt with girls after he's had a little alcohol. He says he feels awkward and shy around girls when he hasn't had any alcohol. I don't know how to handle this. I do not want him to become reliant on alcohol and start drinking every time he wants to talk to girls. I don't know if I should punish him or not.


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

The only possible problems I can see with is if he was driving under the influence or underage. Otherwise, having a couple of drinks to make a social situation more enjoyable is pretty much the entire point of alcohol consumption.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I don't think punishment is the solution. Not least because he is 16. However, I am concerned by the idea of anyone, regardless of age, only being able to do something after they've had a couple of drinks. That's potentially a bit of a slippery slope. For some people it may stop at that. For others it can become a couple of drinks to make the job interview less stressful, then the first day less stressful, then the important meeting less stressful. Then a couple of drinks don't really work because your tolerance is building so you need a couple more. I'm sure you can see where I'm heading with this. 

Now, I'm not suggesting that your son has just taken his first steps on the path to alcoholism *at all*. But I do think some conversations about the healthy use of alcohol would be in order. And maybe some strategies for managing social situations without alcohol as a crutch. 

My personal view is that you should drink because you like the taste and the mild buzz not because it makes life seem easier. 


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## Deborah (Dec 6, 2002)

Perhaps you could go for the positive?

What are some possible strategies for improving his social skills and confidence? Putting a lot of emphasis on the alcohol situation makes it the important piece--gives it a lot of power--but it sounds like the real problem is that he is a teenage boy--which can be difficult and bring on lots of anxieties.

I don't think that people slide into alcoholism because they find social situations awkward. Alcoholism is a mix of metabolism issues joined to a tendency to be addictive. It actually sounds to me as though he is trying to be responsible about alcohol use AND trying to work through his shyness and anxiety around girls. Sounds like a good kid, frankly.


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

Deborah said:


> Perhaps you could go for the positive?
> 
> What are some possible strategies for improving his social skills and confidence? Putting a lot of emphasis on the alcohol situation makes it the important piece--gives it a lot of power--but it sounds like the real problem is that he is a teenage boy--which can be difficult and bring on lots of anxieties.
> 
> I don't think that people slide into alcoholism because they find social situations awkward. Alcoholism is a mix of metabolism issues joined to a tendency to be addictive. It actually sounds to me as though he is trying to be responsible about alcohol use AND trying to work through his shyness and anxiety around girls. Sounds like a good kid, frankly.


I agree that emphasising ways to engage socially rather than the alcohol is a good idea.

Certainly there are people who are predisposed to alcoholism and those who aren't. I've read many, many accounts though of people who started drinking because they just didn't feel like they quite fit in or they felt less awkward when they drank etc etc. I'm sure the predisposition is there as well (I am socially awkward and not an alcoholic) but the trigger is the social stuff.

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## lauren (Nov 20, 2001)

This is a hard one. 

BTDT.

Punishment is rarely effective. Open dialogue and setting clear expectations and limits is better. He's been honest enough to share a social problem with you --or at least he has figured out a rationale that might elicit your sympathies. Still it is engagement.

Make it clear that you understand the problem, that everyone can feel shy in these types of situations. Assume that even if he is being responsible, the amt of alcohol consumed is probably twice what he told you. Make clear your expectations: about drinking, about driving, about getting in a car with friends drinking and driving. Be absolutely clear about what you will accept and not accept after figuring this out yourself. Expect him to figure out other strategies for dealing with anxiety. Your putting it out there is going to be a message. Role model other ways of handling anxiety. Talk about our crappy culture and how much pressure it puts on girls and boys alike to be the perfect, alluring partner. Help him come to reject our crappy cultural messages!

Though I said punishment is ineffective, natural consequences can be quite powerful. As in real life. If there is any suspicion of drinking, no car or car keys. No getting into cars or riding home in cars. This could cause him to become homebound. Or learn to hitchhike or hike.

Early morning thoughts.......


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

If you haven't already, this would be the perfect time to go over the legalities of underage drinking where you live (in a state my 15yo visits regularly she could legally drink on private property) as well as your rules about drinking/what to do if friends drive under the influence/whatever else you can think of.

We've always told our kids (and some of their close friends) that they can call us at any hour for a no-questions-asked judgement-free ride home, whether it's to prevent DUI or just a situation they'd rather not be in. 
I also urge caution for them personally because we have alcoholism and addiction on both sides of the family.


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## oldsmom (Jul 8, 2015)

I would focus more on the drinking and driving issues as well as the underage drinking laws. For me, I would be worried about one of our kids getting behind the wheel after drinking, more than if they were drinking underage.

Assuming this is a relatively level headed kid, I would instead reach an agreement with my son that IF he ends up drinking, to please call and I will come get him.


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## annibe11e (Mar 27, 2017)

Something that popped into my head right away when reading this is self-medicating for social anxiety. That's obviously along the extreme end of this situation, but I suffered from social anxiety and it became completely crippling for many years. I also met a gentleman who used alcohol to deal with his social anxiety and ended up being a very heavy drinker for 15 years. Just some quick questions to your son about how he feels in social situations without alcohol might enable you to rule this out. If he just feels awkward, that's pretty normal. If he has symptoms of anxiety/panic, that could indicate something else. 

Barring that, I think the advice you've received so far is lovely. He's obviously very self-aware and is comfortable talking with you. Keeping an open dialog and focusing on safety is a great idea.


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## Griffindor (12 mo ago)

You certainly don't have to punish him. This is the worst thing a parent, especially a mother, could do. I think we all drank alcohol, a glass of wine, champagne, or even a tequila shot, or a cocktail. It is normal, but children should be taught not to drink excessively. If she feels uncomfortable around girls, a shot of tequila will not confuse her health, but of course, a shot of tequila only on the first date. I also have a son, and he is 20 years old. He also drinks with his father sometimes, and I allow him. Better to drink with family than with strangers. In addition, he knows many stories about how alcoholic people end up. His cousin is also 20 years old and is an alcoholic and now participates in online alcohol support groups to get rid of this addiction. Our children need to understand that a lot of alcohol is not healthy. If you punish him, he will lie to you and drink secretly with his friends. So it is better to talk with your son on this subject.


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