# I just made a huge mistake.:(



## Gabesgrrrl (Nov 28, 2004)

Soo...my husband has basically not been very supportive while I've been bawling my eyes out, because he doesn't think we should give up hope until the next sonogram when they confirm there is no heartbeat.

The thing is, there is no mistake about when I conceived. I should be going on 10 weeks, and my 9 week sono should baby was 6.5 weeks and they couldn't find a heartbeat. This says to me, that it's over, and I'm waiting for my body to recognize it.

So I called the midwife to ask her to explain the impossibility of this being viable to my husband, so that I would have some support while I grieve, instead of being met with:"I wouldn't want to be given up on if I had any chance whatsoever..."

So what does she say to us both on the phone? "I would consider this ultrasound inconclusive, because this is the time when we would start to see a heartbeat, but we may not. So, I would say that we need to wait until next week's ultrasound to see if we find a heartbeat at that time before we decide the pregnancy is over." So I re-explained that there is no biological way the baby could be that age, so that means the baby stopped developing at that time... to which she said: "I've seen a lot of remarkable things in obstetrics, and so I would say be patient and wait for the sonogram."

So WTH!? How do I process this?! I mean, some pregnancy symptoms are lessening, others are getting worse! I don't know what to feel or think at this point....

And then the huge mistake:

I just bought a pregnancy test, and took it and it's really really positive. It was only AFTER I took it that I realized that this was stupid, because of COURSE it still measures a strong positive...I mean, my body hasn't recognized the baby isn't viable yet.

But then again....








See what I've done to myself!? I can't believe I'm losing a 3rd baby in a row. But it's especially hard when key people around me are telling me to hold on to hope-why-so I can really crash on Tuesday when they confirm no heartbeat?

Man do I need a hug.


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## txbikegrrl (Jul 20, 2006)

Big hugs to you. It sounds like a really hard place to be and you are just trying to prepare for possible bad new then tried to exert some control with the test. I'm glad your midwife is giving it time. I had a missed mc at 9 weeks the OB wanted to do D&C immediately. Luckily friends rec waiting and getting one of those long full us appts. The doc said okay. It was hard to go through sn hour of looking at the baby who stopped developing but at least I knew for sure...


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

Couldn't they do a blood test and check to see if the pregnancy hormone levels were decreasing?


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## mamalove1 (Apr 22, 2009)

Big hugs to you... Prayers for you and your husband.


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## Nazsmum (Aug 5, 2006)

I'm going to pray for you. It is hard.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

I am so sorry









It sounds like they are trying to be supportive, but are going about it all wrong and making you feel even worse. They mean well, but I think that trying to give you a (most likely) false hope is really cruel. I wish they could see that.

A really big







to you.


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## lach (Apr 17, 2009)

And I don't think that you made a mistake. You made it quite clear what would help you right now. Your DH and your midwife are not being supportive of your needs.

There IS a chance that everything will work out. However, there are ways to temper that optimism to meet your needs right now. It is their mistake that they are not doing that, even though you are clearly asking them to. I can see by your sig that you are not exactly an inexperienced woman uneducated about pregnancy. I think that they are being very patronizing in trying to override your concerns and acting as though you don't know anything. Again, that is their mistake and not yours.

I hate to say this, since it's obviously not making you feel better, but I DO hope that things work out for you. It is entirely possible that your cycle is wonky, particularly if you have had some recent m/c. I don't know how old you are, but age can also affect your cycle. No matter how well you know your body, bodies sometimes play tricks on us. So, no, I don't think that it is completely impossible that your date is off.

But I do think that they are mistaken in patronizing you with purely positive thinking when you are being perfectly clear about your needs. I hope that you don't really feel as though you are the mistaken one.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I took a hpt when i couldn't get a hb w/ my 3rd pg. It was of course nice and positive. It was actually positive for 8-10 wks after my m/c was complete so taking the test was a huge mind f--k. I think waiting will be good bcs then you will know for sure and will never doubt but it is also ok to begin to grieve. Again I am so sorry you are going through yet another loss.


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## txbikegrrl (Jul 20, 2006)

Also it sounds like your DH like mine survives on optimism and a little denial. I am more is a realist/pessimist and am usually right lime when a recent real estate deal went south. I knew it would be months before things would be ok but DH kept thinking:saying things will work out. I've learned it's just his way and at least only one of us I'd miserable longer. During and after our mc he was like it wasn't meant to be etc. Not exactly what I wanted or needed to hear but the best he had at the time. He realized later in his grief he missed what I was really going through.


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## Momma Moo Martin (May 24, 2009)

I wish I could give you a great big hug IRL, mama. I had just about the same sonogram experience with my miscarriage a few months ago. I was going on 11 weeks and the baby was measuring around 6 weeks with no heartbeat. I was already bleeding, though. The ER doctor told me to be hopeful and that I must have just confused myself on my dates, etc. I was obviously distraught about the loss of my baby but everything the doctor was saying was like he was just twisting the knife that was already in my heart. I can only assume that you are experiencing similar feelings right now and my heart breaks for you because I know it is so very hard. I am so sorry this is happening to you and that your DH and midwife aren't responding to you the way you need them to right now. You are in my thoughts and you are not alone. If you need to just let it all out to someone, please do not hesitate to get in contact with me. I am here for you if you need me!!!

Love and Light to you and yours in this very difficult time.


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## Gabesgrrrl (Nov 28, 2004)

Hi ladies,
Thank you so much for listening. The truth is, that although I love babies and being a mom, I really feel very done. But my husband has only had one of his "own", and is really pressuring me to have another. I'm turning 36 in 5 days, and I've been pregnant/raising small children since I was 19. The worst part of this, is that when I found out I was pregnant with this one, he hugged me and said that if "this one doesn't work out, I promise I won't pressure you for another try"...well, 3 hours after the sono that said there was no heartbeat, he was telling me it "didn't count", because "something is obviously wrong and it's not a fair attempt if you don't fix what's wrong and try again".

I hadn't even begun to process this third loss, and he was telling me I'd need to go get all of these tests and take whatever drugs/hormones was needed to give HIM what he wanted.

He's a problem solver, and he's good at it. He also tends to suck at emotional recovery.

(sigh)

What makes this most difficult for me, is that I had wanted an unassisted birth for this last baby. I'm a strong advocate of free-birthing, and wanted one with my last baby, but since it's was DH's first, and a homebirth was enough of a stretch for him, I compromised. It was a beautiful home waterbirth, and I loved every moment of it.









But now...after all this belief in my body, and trust in it's ability to conceive, carry and birth babies...I have what is very likely a non-living being inside of me, and has been there for several weeks, and my body has no clue. So not only does it suddenly not know how to carry babies, it also can't even miscarry efficiently! I'm finding my whole foundation is shaken, and I'm really worried that if I give in and try again (with medical help), I'll be fast-tracked down "high risk" lane, and end up with a last birth that causes trauma. I'm also worried that with 3 losses, this could mean I would have a baby with a disability-which wouldn't be a deal-breaker alone, but with my own health condition, which leaves me bed-ridden sometimes for days or weeks with vertigo, this could be devastating.

I TOLD my DH when we married that I didn't want to have babies after 35, and there was no argument. But when I was ready a couple years ago, he was not. And now that he's ready, here I am at 35 unable to carry babies to term.

I know my dates-and I know that if this baby suddenly shows a heartbeat and growth, it will be nothing short of a miracle. I'm happy to be the recipient of a miracle-and quite frankly, it would solve some questions I've been wrestling with about God/dess, faith and etc....But I certainly do not expect it to end that way.

I have my sono tomorrow. I would appreciate light and warmth sent to me, because no matter how much logic says it's not going to be good news, my heart is involved here, and I know it's gonna hurt.

Thank you all so much-it's nice to be among women who are experiencing or have experienced similar sadness.


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## Mama~Love (Dec 8, 2003)

Lots & lots of







s to you! What an incredibly difficult situation. I think you need to tell him you need time & space to process this, and to not pressure you into anything just yet.

Sending you lots of warmth and comfort for your sono tomorrow. Wish there was more I could do for you, but I'll send you a ton of virtual hugs







.


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## Gabesgrrrl (Nov 28, 2004)

lach said:


> There IS a chance that everything will work out.
> 
> I hate to say this, since it's obviously not making you feel better, but I DO hope that things work out for you. It is entirely possible that your cycle is wonky, particularly if you have had some recent m/c. I don't know how old you are, but age can also affect your cycle. No matter how well you know your body, bodies sometimes play tricks on us. So, no, I don't think that it is completely impossible that your date is off.
> 
> ...


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

mama.

I dont have any advice for dealing w the lack of emotional support, but i did want to reassure you about one thing. It doesnt matter how much help you need to get/stay pg, they cant force a birth you dont want on you if you dont let them. Even after years of ART, the only interventions i got during pg were the ones i requested, and i had a beautiful HB.


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## ancoda (Oct 17, 2005)

I am so sorry that your husband is not being supportive of your feelings in this, both in the feelings of loss and in the not wanting to carry anymore children.


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)




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## corysmilk (Jan 2, 2004)

thinking of you


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## Gabesgrrrl (Nov 28, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cristeen* 







mama.

I dont have any advice for dealing w the lack of emotional support, but i did want to reassure you about one thing. It doesnt matter how much help you need to get/stay pg, they cant force a birth you dont want on you if you dont let them. Even after years of ART, the only interventions i got during pg were the ones i requested, and i had a beautiful HB.

Well, that does offer some reassurance.







Thanks!


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## danilouwho (Apr 26, 2010)

I found this thread last night and have had it in my mind to check it again all day. Just wanted to pop in and say that I am thinking of you....


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