# Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn???



## 3xMama (Oct 14, 2010)

I've been trying to get through this book for awhile now and I just wanted some insight about whether or not I should even finish it. I'm about halfway through the fourth chapter and pretty frustrated. I'm sick of being told that basically every type of parenting I've come across (from spanking to natural consequences) is wrong and that praise is a form of emotional manipulation. And the constant "(we'll get to that later)" or (we'll cover this in another section)" is really annoying. Are there any good ideas in it? Would skimming through it be a better option? Are there any other books that might be a better read and cover the same information?

TIA!!!


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Maybe you'd like the dvd better...


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

It's supposed to be a perspective-changing thing rather than be a bunch of practical "how-to" ideas, and if the things he's saying to try to open up your perspective annoy you, it might not be a good book for you. I am a big fan, though. I don't usually read parenting books to get specific ideas, though, and like the big-picture perspective stuff.


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## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

If you're not getting anything out of it, then what's the point? Maybe come back to it later.

I personally loved it, but I'm pretty radical myself.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think skimming it and putting it aside to come back to later is a good idea. It is a hard book to take in at first because he challenges so much about how we were parented and how we still often parent. It took me three years and several starts and finishes before I was in a place where I could take reading his material without offense or rejection. When my dd was younger it just didn't make much sense and I was so worried about getting everything right the way other parents seemed to have it right that I just couldn't read or listen to anything that really questioned me that much. I am really glad I read the book though because it is a wonderful framework for the type of parent I want to be in many ways. I don't agree with it wholeheartedly but I use a lot of what I learned from his books to guide my decisions and interactions as a parent.


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## chaoticzenmom (May 21, 2005)

I've never read the book, but loved the dvd. The best thing I got out of it was when he asked if we wanted to raise "yes men." It really helps me to view my children's challenges differently. I do praise them when they seem to want it, but I do not impose my judgement (favorably or not) when they don't ask for it directly. I've read his book Punished By Rewards and really liked it. I take it as ways to be aware of how your judgemtent (good or bad) might affect your child, not as a "no praise, never ever" type of thing. Maybe I should read his Unconditional Parenting book and see how I like it?


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## tmwmommy (Jul 21, 2009)

I really liked the book and I think it did change my perspective on parenting. However, if it's not for you then maybe a different book would help?


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## mary934 (Mar 9, 2011)

Maybe read from chapter 7 onwards - what is UP. I found the collaborative problem solving approach cps very helpful in implementing UP For me the book is rather different from other working with approaches because AK focuses on character education , helping our kids to become caring people intrinsically motivated to do the right thing


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## Mittsy (Dec 29, 2009)

The first time I read the book it was too much for me, so I had to shelve it for a few months. When I finally got around to reading it again I LOVED it, and totally strive for being a UP'er(although I admittedly fall short quite often).


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## hildare (Jul 6, 2009)

i love this book. It absolutely felt so good to find it-- it fit so well with what dh & i believe.

i do think the later chapters help more with figuring out how to apply it. too, if it gave ready answers or a checklist, it wouldn't be the kind of book it is, which (this is what i get from it anyway) is designed to make you look at your parenting relationship differently and realize that every situation is unique and that you do what you can based upon what works for you & the kid/kids at the time, in a sort of collaborative way, based upon the child's understanding and level of communication. UP is different from one day to the next and from one stage of child development to the next. i just try to consider the ideas presented when dealing with situations that frustrate me.


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## mumkimum (Nov 14, 2006)

I think the way to take a lot of what is in UP, is in the sense that so many things *can* be negative, and that doing things with intention as a parent is so important, rather than so many parenting techniques are 'wrong'.

I do think there are good ideas in it - and you might want to skim through it for your first read (which I did too - the 'we'll get to that later' was annoying to me too, especially my first time through it). I personally really love the book. It gets my head in a good place to be a parent from, and I share many of the PP's admiration for UP.


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