# FEBRUARY baby loss mamas chat thread!



## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

It is a whole new month so a whole new thread!!! Make sure to read the last bit of the Jan. thread so nothing is missed.

Come join us through our grief, sorrow, joy, and frustrations. All baby loss mamas are welcome!!!!

I ask that if you are ttc or have issues with ttc you please take it to the ttc after loss thread as there are many of us on this thread that are unable to ttc for various reasons. If you are PAL we will see it in your siggy and you are more than welcome to post on this thread but ask that you keep PAL issues for the PAL thread.

(If you have a problem with these guidelines or would like to add others let me know and I can change things)

Do not feel that you have to reply to everyone. I think many people don't post as they are worried about leaving someone out. If all you can do is post an update on yourself we would be glad to hear it!

With that said come on over ladies and I look forward to chatting with all of you this month!


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Hooray for a new month and thread! It's my birthday month and DD and I are both really into Valentines this year, so I'm excited. Also my health is miraculously better (knock wood) - I suspect the vitamin D deficiency was affecting me way more than I gave it credit for. I really blew it off as a fad, but it's been a few weeks now that I've been on a mega dose of liquid D3 and coincidence or not I feel a million times better. All of the joint pain I'd been having, and paralyzing fatigue, are (for now at least) gone!! So along with feeling better my psychological health is worlds better, making our whole household seem better. I'm actually motivated and able to get stuff done and be alive for the first time in.....months? A year I think - since before the first loss at least. It's a wonderful feeling so I'm basking in it as long as it's here.

I'm having some trouble processing the fact that I'll start coming up on 1 year anniversaries of pregnancies and losses next month....I keep thinking about who I was this time last year, how I was still innocent of the grief and misery of miscarriage and infertility really. It's weird.

Also my sister has her big u/s and finds out gender today. I'm feeling more ok with it than I would've thought, and actually emailed them to tell them I wanted to see pics and hear about it this time. I'm still having little twinges with her of "I should be doing/feeling x now too..." but it's not gut-wrenching like it was. I am genuinely a little excited for them now.

Hope everyone is hanging in there!


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *apmama07*
> 
> Also my sister has her big u/s and finds out gender today. I'm feeling more ok with it than I would've thought, and actually emailed them to tell them I wanted to see pics and hear about it this time. I'm still having little twinges with her of "I should be doing/feeling x now too..." but it's not gut-wrenching like it was. I am genuinely a little excited for them now.


Megan - I'm sorry about the upcoming anniversaries, but I'm glad to hear you're feeling excited for your sister. That sounds healing. Also, good to hear about the vitamins. I'm trying to start taking mine again, so maybe it will be good for me, too.

AFM - I'm working on a new project, about compassion, and I'm going to name the project for my baby. I got this idea from the Kindness Project: http://www.missfoundation.org/kindness/index.html I feel really excited about the possibilities, and doing something positive to honor him. I think I need to really work at thinking positive so I don't just feel sad all the time. Anyway, I'll share more about the project once I get it going.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

Hooray for a new month and thread!

*Megan ~* I'm sorry about the upcoming anniversaries, but I'm glad to hear you're feeling excited for your sister. That sounds healing. I know what you mean about feeling i should be x far along right now.

AFM~ Having a bad week monday i was so sick with a fever that jumped up to 102.6 and almost felt like passing out which would had been horrible since i was home alone with both kids. Coughing got so bad last night i didn't get a good sleep, daughter stayed home again since before i was gonna have her get clothes on i checked her temp and she had a fever again. I would love to take a nap but don't trust the 4 yr old who also has a cough but is still as hyper as a boy can be







. Af also found me on monday, i almost feel like why bother trying, it took 3years to just have it taken away







. I've also been feeling guilty/regretting that i didn't take the time to really look at my baby and clean up up and really look at it, from feeling it, it was way more in size with the how far along i was and not the past stupid ultrasounds, same thing happened with my 1st missed m/c ultrasound being way far off from dates and with the other one a ER u/s showed it been off by not as far off as the 1st ultrasound. and interestingly enough both were measured by the same midwife with her saying both babies in the same gestational range when they passed.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I had my SHARE meeting tonight. It was good but not the best one I have been to. I have counciling tomorrow. So lame that these are the things that get me through my week/ month, etc.

SoCal- hope you feel better

Wilson- I can't wait to see your compassion project.

Megan- sorry about the upcoming angelversaries. The time leading up to it really is harder than the actual day.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *theboysmama*
> 
> I had my SHARE meeting tonight. It was good but not the best one I have been to. I have counciling tomorrow. So lame that these are the things that get me through my week/ month, etc.


 I don't think this is lame, by the way. I think it totally makes sense to look forward to a safe place to talk about what you really want to talk about.

My new project! *I'm giving away dress-up crowns to hurting or sick kids who deserve a bit of happiness.* I'd love for you guys to submit some names. You can read all the details and submit names on the post here. All the information is kept private, btw.


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Wilson what a beautiful idea! You have adorable stuff on your blog, thanks so much for sharing!

I was doing so well you guys...I really thought I was. Found out tonight my other best friend (I only have a few really close friends, and only a couple who I regularly see/talk to) is also pregnant. For anyone counting , that's my baby sister (the only sister living on this coast), and both of my two closest friends, pregnant. This friend already has two LOs and we are really close, have so much in common. I really am excited for her, and want so much to just be her normal friend here. And I can't. It totally sucks. I wish I could make the losses and IF not exist and I could just be with these three people like I would be if it had all never happened....

So basically I'm reliving a lot of the feelings from the loss all over again it seems. A lot of the anger at the unfairness of the universe and self-pity and frustration and more than anything, feeling left out and left behind. Lonely. Oh and my only baby has totally hit the 3.5 rebellion against mommy and hating on mommy all day long. And I'm visiting a preschool we're thinking of sending her in the fall.

Thanks for being here and listening to my pity party once again ladies.







Hope you're all well.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

megan- sp so sorry you are having a hard time. Those pg announcements really kick my butt. I hope you are able to continue the friendship, suppose it depends a lot on how compassionate she is about the situation.  Sorry for the rebel child, it won't last long. It is hard not having a "baby" around when you expected to and your little one just keeps on growing. I told dh that we are NEVER weaning dd as then that would mean I didn't have any babies around here. (We usually wean around 3 or so, so we will see).

AFM- I don't feel well. I think af is imminant and of course I don't want her to show up but considering we are using condoms then I am sure she will be here soon. Definately feel crappy, blech. Af brings so many emotions when she arrives.

Off to ski this morning. Had new snow this week so it should be nice. It is so hard though bcs I love skiing so much but shouldn't be skiing if I hadn't lost the last 2 babies.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

hope everyone had a decent weekend.... Here we go monday... grrr.


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## Sugarshoc (Feb 5, 2007)

Hi ladies,

Just peeking in to give an update. We found out our baby had no heartbeat at 6 weeks. I went for a follow up at 8 weeks and still no HB and measuring at 6 weeks, so I opted for a D&C. I couldn't walk around in such a state anymore. D&C, 1/13 was successful and my doc called this morning with the analysis. Trisomy 16, incompatible with life. I forgot to ask for the sex but I hope to find that out later today. She said we can try again right after my period comes back. I'm happy this group of women are here so we know that we are not alone in this emotional and physical battle. I wish everyone the best and pray healthy babies are coming for all of us.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

sugarshoc- I am sooo sorry for your loss. Glad you found us though.

Hope everyone is doing well. This thread has been uber slow lately. I need you ladies!!! Where are you?

AFM- drama at my house. I really wish dh and I could quit fighting. Things have been so strained since Emeric died. I have a full week of work this week (about 50 hrs) and the kids I nanny are sick. They are soooo clingy, fussy, etc. It is hard. I miss my kids so much too but we really need the money and this is just temporary.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I finally got a pic of my tatoo on my computer. This was taken just after I got the tatoo. It looks much better now. A little faded but no readness, etc.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Oh, that's beautiful! I love dragonflies. Nice pedi too. =)

I'm going to get a tattoo for my daughter- I've wanted this since I was 17 and now just seems like the right time to finally do it.

[URL=http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y151/RoseRedHoofbeats/tattoo/Screenshot2011-02-04at42428PM.png%5B/IMG]http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y151/RoseRedHoofbeats/tattoo/Screenshot2011-02-04at42428PM.png[/IMG[/URL]]

~Rose


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## sweet tea (Jan 1, 2004)

I just found out yesterday my baby has no heartbeat, I'm 4 months pregnant. They induce me in about 8 hours with cytotec and I just can't imagine going through labor and delivery when I can't stop crying all the time.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Oh honey, I am so sorry. =(
*hugs* You'll get through this. Be gentle with yourself.

~Rose


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

rose I can't see your pic.

glad you like my tatoo. (and the pedi too of course) I knew I was going to be showing people my foot lots so I made it pretty. Plus pedi's feel good.

sweet tea- I responded in your other thread. Please read it before your induction if possible as I have put some suggestions in there that worked for me during my 17 wk loss. Also shared my story a bit. The labor for me was pretty easy. I am sure it can be different for everyone but I was freaked out and that part wasn't so bad. Hang in there mama. I am thinking of you.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

nicole~ love your tattoo, looks great.

rose~ can't see your picture.

sweet tea~


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## Sugarshoc (Feb 5, 2007)

Sweettea: Plenty hugs.









My doc called me back yesterday and I asked her for the sex. We lost a little boy. Knowing the sex has made this more difficult but yet more comforting. I don't know why. We believe we will meet our little boy in heaven someday. Again, I wish all you ladies the best through these difficult times.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

sugarshoc- does your son have a name that you are willing to share?

Sweettea- I am thinking about you and hoping that the labor and birth go well (as well as can be expected under these circumstances)

AFM- today marks the 6 month anniversary of Emeric's death. It is hard to believe that it has been that long but at the same time hard to believe that it has only been that long.

I went to the cemetary and added some more things. I am going to have to clear some stuff out at some point as it is getting a bit crowded. I picked up solar powered lights at dollar tree and added it to the plethora of things on his grave.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*sugarshoc~*







did you give your son a name?

AFM~ Today marks the 3 month mark since loosing November Hope







, time seems to have flown by.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Here's my pic without the img tag- http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y151/RoseRedHoofbeats/tattoo/Screenshot2011-02-04at42428PM.png

I got a pink heart-shaped sapphire ring tonight. I couldn't decide on a birth stone, if I wanted December for when we found out, or January for when she died, or February for when I lost her (really didn't know about this because Feb is also my daughter's birth month) or August for when she was due. So I just went for the pink.

I also got this- we named her Spring, since she was born on Imbolc. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000XQ9HTQ/ref=ord_cart_shr?ie=UTF8&m=AINQXDU417262

I must've snagged the very last one. It got here today. I really like it- it's nice to hold.

~Rose


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Here's my pic without the img tag- http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y151/RoseRedHoofbeats/tattoo/Screenshot2011-02-04at42428PM.png

I got a pink heart-shaped sapphire ring tonight. I couldn't decide on a birth stone, if I wanted December for when we found out, or January for when she died, or February for when I lost her (really didn't know about this because Feb is also my daughter's birth month) or August for when she was due. So I just went for the pink.

I also got this- we named her Spring, since she was born on Imbolc. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000XQ9HTQ/ref=ord_cart_shr?ie=UTF8&m=AINQXDU417262

I must've snagged the very last one. It got here today. I really like it- it's nice to hold.

~Rose


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## Sugarshoc (Feb 5, 2007)

My husband and I were talking about names yesterday. I'm not sure if we are going to name him. For now, in my mind, I just call him my Angel Boy. My husband had a boy's name picked out but he really loves that name and thinks that if we do ultimately bring a boy to Earth, he wants to use that name.


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## Sugarshoc (Feb 5, 2007)

RedRose: That Angel of Spring is beautiful!


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## Sugarshoc (Feb 5, 2007)

Oh and my period began today. Amazing! The day before the D&C, I started to bleed a little but I went through with the surgery. Now, the day after I find out the sex, my period begins. LOL!


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## alyssatuininga (May 14, 2003)

Sorry to be MIA for a while. I have been having a really hard time. We did finally decide to name our little boy- Malcolm David. I am missing him so much. I am also really feeling like I want to have another baby and my dh does not. He feels so strongly that he is done and I am feeling more and more that I NEED another baby.

On top of everything I am still bleeding. 4 weeks since my D&E and I am still bleeding. I am so frustrated and angry and sad.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Alyssa- do you know if your HCG is down to 0 yet? Could there be a bit of placenta retained?

Malcolm is a beautiful name. =)

~Rose


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

ARGH! If one more person in my life announces an accidental pregnancy I'm going to freak out and go live in a cave!!!!!

Sorry to be so absent ladies, I have been reading to see what's going on with you all, just not feeling like I had much to contribute. I've been doing better all in all but just having a hard time with all of the pregnancies (I'm now up to my sister, two best friends, and another friend) and at the same time seeing an RE for the first time and trying to figure out what's "wrong" with me.

Nicole and Kami - Hugs on the anniversaries.

Rose and Sugarshoc - So sorry for your losses, glad you've found this little support group. Deeply sorry that you have to be welcomed here.

Alyssa - Malcolm is a beautiful name for your beautiful son. So sad to hear that you're still suffering with bleeding and conflict with your husband. I hope that as more time passes you'll somehow be able to find a way for both of you to be at peace.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

where is everyone? This thread is slow slow slow!!!

Megan- I am sorry that you have been inundated with pg women. That must me so hard.

Alyssa- Malcolm is a wonderful name

Sugarshoc- I really wonder if that is your period as it usually takes a while for your hcg to go low enough for af to start.... I guess only time will tell.

AFM- I am doing ok. I have had to stop my st johns wart and am definately noticing a difference. I am going to have to figure something else out for sure. Plus I don't have therapy for several weeks bcs of my schedule. Besides that I am hanging in there. We took a little stuffed frog with a heart over to Emeric yesterday. Yesterday dh surprised me with an awesome valentines day date. We started with a couples facial and massage, then a nice dinner and a movie (burlesque). I had a great time.

I hope everyone is hanging in there.

Happy Valentines Day


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I'm trying to get off my antidepressant as fast as possible before I get knocked up again. Technically it's not dangerous in early pregnancy but some preliminary studies have found that venlafaxine doubles the risk of miscarriage. WHICH APPARENTLY WASN'T IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR MY DOCTOR TO KNOW OR TELL ME ABOUT, THANKS SO MUCH.

I've been looking for miscarriage/pregnancy loss art and have found it strangely lacking. Anyone have any links or any of their own? I did a rough sketch tonight, am mildly pleased with how it turned out.

~Rose


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## apmama07 (Nov 22, 2009)

Rose, have you see Still Life 365? http://stilllife365.blogspot.com/


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

just got a email that the photos i submitted to http://stilllife365.blogspot.com/ will be published on the 16th


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

still life has a bunch of krista dj's stuff on there. Socal, I can't wait to see your stuff.

Rose- so nice to know that your med isn't dangerous (note the very sarcastic tone).... do they just mean it won't disable the baby just highly likely to kill it? nice grrrrrr.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Son of a bitch.

I have a lot of midwifery and birth professional blogs that I read... I'm a doula so it's sort of helpful.

The Navelgazing Midwife's granddaughter is due at the end of August just like I was.

Aaaaand smacked back down again. Lovely.

~Rose


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

Sorry I've been MIA. Work has been killing me. The last few weeks have been hell with parents and my director all over my case (I'm a teacher). Ugh. Seriously feel like quitting. And had AF to top it off.

Made it through the due date and then the next weekend there was a baby naming at the services I go to. I didn't know there was going to be one. I was just looking at this tiny newborn and hearing the parents talk about their hopes and dreams for their little girl. All I could think about was how this could have been me right now.

sugarshoc and Sweettea - I'm so sorry for your losses.









Rose and Megan - I'm totally with you on the everyone else pg train. It just sucks. I'm still struggling with my best friend and sister both pg and due the same day. They are due within the month and I'm nervous about facing the reality of them with a baby, not just pg. At work my co worker is pg and I have to look at her big belly every day and a mom in my class told me a few weeks ago about her "surprise" pg. She didn't sound excited and was only like 6 weeks. Everyone is entitled to their experience, of course - it just brings me down.

Nicole - it sounds like a nice V day celebration. Good to have a nice break - I know you're working a lot.

Tomorrow is dh and my anniversary. I don't think we're going to have a date just us b/c my mil is too wrapped up in home repairs to sit for us. Grr

Hugs to everyone







.


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Hi Everyone, sorry, once again, for my absence. Life is its new usual ups and downs. It has been 7.5 months since I lost my son now, 3.5 since he was due and this is around the time last year that I found out I was pregnant. I was pregnant this time last year but didn't know until next week. It is so hard still and I wish it wasn't. I am still having a lot of difficulty with meeting other peoples' babies. We have a baptism that we decided to go to this coming weekend. One of the babies being baptised (DH's cousin's baby) was born 2 hours after Brendan's due date. I find the whole thing very difficult to conceptualize. I keep trying to be okay with it all but I am not at all. I am still anxiety-ridden, sad and the fact that I thought I would be pregnant by now and I am not is eating away at me too. I am on meds, in counselling, but overall I just want my life back and it is not happening. I just cannot figure out how to get to a good place consistently. I guess this is just venting my emotions....thanks for listening.


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## KristaDJ (May 30, 2009)

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still here reading even if I'm not posting. I'm thinking about you all and hoping you find healing as the days go by. I still can't say enough about EFT and Matrix Re-imprinting, I feel like I got years worth of counseling in just a few short weeks. I can look at my babies' pictures without feeling like someone is strangling me and if they are brought up it doesn't feel like a kick in the gut anymore. I never imagined it would be so effective.

Love to all of you <3


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

krista-glad you are still here. I was wondering where you had gone to.

paeta- sorry you are having such a hard time. Good luck at the baptism. This is a great place to ven your emotions..... vent away.

I think I am getting sick. Sore throat, exhaustion, huge cold sore in my nose (I just got rid of the dime size one on the side of my face...uggg). I have to go to work anyways. I really hope I feel better as the day goes on and not worse.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*paeta~* Sorry you are having such a hard time.









I got a text last night from the relative with the 17yr old pregnant daughter and i guess they screwed up and she's actually having a boy not a girl according to the ultrasound she had yesterday. I just hope she doesn't have her baby on my due date of june 12th. she is due june 28th which also happens to be my mom's birthday.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

So, a quick question.

I was supposed to go in for a checkup at two weeks (today) but I forgot what time it was and missed it. Do you think it's really important to go? I had a silent miscarriage, found out at 10w4d, took Cytotec the next day and passed everything within about six hours. I looked at everything and I'm positive the miscarriage was complete. The first day and the day after were really heavy, then it tapered off sharply and I've just been spotting ever since, barely enough for a pantiliner, and it smells like normal period blood. I haven't had any cramps or pain at all since about day four.

~Rose


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

rose- it sounds like you don't need to go in. My dr just suggested that I take a hpt and when it is completely negative I would know everything was over adn done. If it stays positive for a really long time (yours is probably already neg or very very light) then you should go in to see if something was retained. You can get them for a buck at $tree.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

I took another pregnancy test tonight and got a faint but definite positive. It's been 17 days since I started bleeding- I stopped bleeding yesterday, though my discharge is still rusty but it's the consistency of normal discharge as opposed to blood. Still no cramps or pain or odor.

~Rose


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Well, I went and did it! I got my tattoo yesterday-

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y151/RoseRedHoofbeats/819f5313.jpg

I'm really happy with how it turned out.

~Rose


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

Rose, that looks awesome! Where is the tat placed?

This thread has been sooo slow. Hope everyone is well.

Hanging on over here. This grief journey is quite the ride.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

It's on my upper back, just below the neckline of a shirt. And it iiiiiitches now!

~Rose


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

make sure you keep lots of lotion on it. The itching won't last too long.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

* Rose~* What a beautiful tattoo.


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

Just wanted to update on my weekend. We went to the baptism. It was very difficult and I ended up taking two clonazepams to deal with it! I had a bit of a meltdown at the church and MIL was nice and held my hand and I eventually stopped crying. Man, it was so hard to see a baby that was born when Brendan should have been. Bottom line is that nobody shoved babies towards me and I actually did okay in the end. Sigh. At least it is a step.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

paeta- glad you made it through and it seems you had some support as well. It is so hard going through this and so many people just don't get it.

baby steps my dear baby steps 

socal- I saw november's beautiful outfit on still life. That is georgous. I really wish I was talented. I would love to submit something but just don't have that kind of talent.

Took the day off of work today as dh had a dr appt. He got a really bad concussion this weekend while ski biking. He is doing a follow up, looks like he will be ok just has an awful headache. $ small children and an awful headache plus being slightly disoriented doesn't really work well.

I am really missing my babies today. I had a dream that I got to hold emeric again. He was just like when he was born but I just held him and held him (I really wish I had touched his skin more). Woke up sad but kind of like I had gotten to go back and have a do over.

Thinking of all of you lovely ladies.


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## SoCaliMommy (Jun 11, 2004)

*Nicole~* Thanks for the compliment. What about just takings pictures that remind you of Emeric.

Bad day the other day, the pregnant 17 yr old posted on fb about getting Disneyland passes and the posted pictures of riding rides, how freaking stupid can you be. Ugg she posted a picture waiting in line for the Roger Rabbit ride which is jerky and she's visibly pregnant.







I was at my infertility appointment and checked fb and so wanted to comment on her post about going to Disneyland, but dh told me to leave it alone.

The infertility appointment went well, i really like the dr she was so nice. If i get AF i start the clomid challenge test and have to also set up a appointment for a sono saline sonohysterography and go from there.


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## theboysmama (Sep 21, 2005)

I have a dragonfly tattoo and some dragonfly jewelry. I wear the jewelry on hard days and that helps. I am very fortunate to have pics of Emeric so I look at those often. I haven't worked on my dead baby book in a while, that usually helps. I will give that a go. The hard days are getting farther and farther apart, which is nice. But when they hit me they really catch me off guard.

We went to disney world last summer. I was able to go on a lot of the rides. They are true to their rules as opposed to some places that just say if you are pg it's nothing. I don't know about hte roger rabit one, if it is jerky I definately wouldn't do it. I read a website before I went and there was a woman that said she rode splash mountain (what an idiot). i was glad to be able to do a few things but I never would put my baby at risk like that. I would hide that persons fb posts for a while.

Glad your appt. went well, i will keep my fingers crossed taht af doesn't show and you won't even need the clomid.


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