# my close friend lost her two month old baby



## trekkingirl (Dec 2, 2009)

I'm soooooooooooo unbelievably sad. I can only imagine how she feels. She fell asleep nursing and when she woke he was gone. I just can't wrap my head around it. I just heald him, he was beautifull. How can I be there for her?


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.

You'll find a lot of great info on this board about what a mom/family needs after a loss.

You can also do a search on this board and on the grief and loss thread for more info.

There are so many things - first is the freedom to grieve and talk about her child. Don't be afraid of her tears - so many of her friends will be. You don't have to make it better, you can't, so don't try. But, by being there she won't feel so alone. Just tell her how sorry you are and how precious her son was. Don't say "I can't imagine" - unless you've experienced it you really can't. That statement tends to rub those who've lost a child the wrong way - not all, but, I wouldn't take the chance. Saying your sorry and grieving with her will be a wonderful gift you can give her as she moves through this incredible nightmare.

Laugh with her when she feels like laughing again - it might feel strange to her but she will reach that point and knowing she is safe to feel good for a moment will help her heal.

As time goes by remember her. Remember him on his birthday and death day. Let her know you are thinking of them. Let her talk about him when she needs to. Don't try and put a time limit on her grief and don't expect her to be all better in a certain amount of time. This is a loss you never get over.

It's been over a year and a half since my son died and today is a rough day for me. I'm very weepy and emotional. I have good days and bad days. I figure I always will and my true friends just know it. My heart is forever wounded - I'm okay but I'll never be the old me.

I am heartbroken that others have to know this grief. She will be in my prayers.


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

When we lost our baby, our community was unbelievable. They seemed to know exactly what to do, and they truly did make the loss more bearable. One might think that nothing can relieve the pain of losing a child, but i really think that for us, how our friends and family supported us, really did make it at least easier. Here are the things they did/ are doing that we found most helpful...

Someone organized food to be brought to us for 2 weeks. People either left it on the porch, or if we were up for visitors, we invited them in. Ask if she'd like you to organize something like this. People reached out with cards, flowers, candles, phone calls and emails. Some of my close friends called repeatedly and checked in every few days and just said, you don't have to call back, but i'm here if you want to. people offered to come over and just be with us and cry with us. I found I was most comfortable around people who were not awkward about it. It can be a hard thing for people because they don't always know what to say or do, and that's okay. but the people who were able to just come over and cry and listen to me talk about it, they were the ones i really wanted and needed to be around the most.

there is likely a loss support group in your area. You could find out about it and give her the information.

You know your friend, but i would imagine that these things i listed would be comforting to most people. If you have other mutual friends, i would try to find out from your friend what she wants and encourage others to do that.

I'm so sorry for your loss because it is really your loss too. The loss of a baby affects so many people. It's also so hard to watch someone you love go through something so sad.

I hope these things are helpful.


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## karika (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trekkingirl* 
I'm soooooooooooo unbelievably sad. I can only imagine how she feels. She fell asleep nursing and when she woke he was gone. I just can't wrap my head around it. I just heald him, he was beautifull. How can I be there for her?

The same thing happened to me. (Daniel 10/20/93- 12/07-93) All I can say is to listen to her if she wants to talk and reach out to her regularly. I was in such a state of grief, I did not want to talk to anyone for a very long time, but I realize a lot of that was my feelings of guilt. I actually left town on a road trip for 6 wks after and stayed drunk and on pills to help me through the first bit. When I came back to town, it helped me to have a friend come over and play board games with me. Now I believe that every soul chooses its own destiny prior to incarnating, but at that time I just felt like it was all my fault. FWIW I practiced safe cosleeping with my next 2 (from the beginning, 10 and 15 yrs later)and there was never a problem. With him, I fell asleep on an unsafe bed, and he was preemie and I was exhausted. My sister packed up all the stuff while I was out of town, not sure if that is best or if it helps the grieving to do it yourself, you could ask if she wants you to help her with that maybe. If you can, go to the wake and funeral but do not take children. I remember who was there, even though I was mostly unresponsive at the time. You are a good friend to want to be there for her. Most people pull back. Oh, and it hurt me so badly to hear others talking of their children for such a long time too. I didn't go to family bday parties or holidays again for years. Some say to have another right away. Most books and advice say you will experience PTSD and not to make any major decisions for at least a year (abt marriage, job, home, location... nothing), you are truly not yourself. I believe this is def true.


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## crazymom03 (May 29, 2005)

that is my worst nightmare, so many times I've jumped out of bed scared s#@$less because I was so soundly asleep with my babe. My heart goes out to you and your friend, I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you.


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## trekkingirl (Dec 2, 2009)

just an update.... I spoke with her mother for a long time and listened to her walk through her emotions. My friend was in a long distance relationship with the father of the babe and she flew there with her other child, I think he is 19 mo old. I called her and left a message on her machine yesterday just saying how much I love her. Today I sent her a text saying I am a good listener if she needs to talk and again that I love her. I guess I should leave it at that until she comes back home.


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## UptownZoo (May 11, 2003)

Her grief is bottomless. Be the person who can sit with her when the pain is huge and earth-shattering. Most people can't do that. Also, after the initial shock (when people come out of the woodwork to express their sympathy), she'll be mostly alone. Be the person who continues to support her, who doesn't expect her to be OK before she's ready.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh God...I am so so sorry for your friend.

I often wake up and check Bella when we co-sleep. I still am completely paranoid that I might lose her...she's two months exactly, today. I think if I lost Bella...well...I don't know what I would do, frankly. Not after losing Josie as well...

I am again so sorry for your friend. I know that pain well. XxXxX


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
Oh God...I am so so sorry for your friend.

I often wake up and check Bella when we co-sleep. I still am completely paranoid that I might lose her...she's two months exactly, today. I think if I lost Bella...well...I don't know what I would do, frankly. Not after losing Josie as well...

I am again so sorry for your friend. I know that pain well. XxXxX

This. I can not imagine. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I'm so very sorry for your friend, Trek. My heart breaks for her. So, so sorry.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trekkingirl* 
Today I sent her a text saying I am a good listener if she needs to talk and again that I love her. I guess I should leave it at that until she comes back home.

You've got great advice here.
The one thing I'd tell you is to keep reaching out to her. She may be too frozen with grief to talk the first time you send you a supportive message but when she needs you she may not have the energy to reach out.
She'll be grieving tomorrow, next month, next year. Keep being there for her. A really great resource is the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart."
She's lucky to have a friend like you


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