# "What is the matter with you?!?!?!?"



## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

Isn't that just about the worst thing a person could say to a child? And do you know where I heard it? Out of my own mouth. Yep, I have been yelling this, with increasing frequency, at my 2 beautiful boys.

So, what I need help with is figuring out how to stop. It comes out, my mother's exact words and her exact shrill tone, before I even realize what I'm saying. The moment I say it I wish I could take it back, but of course I can't. So what do I do?

It usually happens when I've discovered one of them doing something they know they shouldn't. What I'm really thinking is "you should know better, I'm annoyed and surprized you chose to do this" but instead I scream.

Any thoughts?


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## Super Glue Mommy (Jan 4, 2009)

stop yourself if you catch your self about to or mid doing it. apologize when you do it, and tell your children how you should have handled it... even if they dont understand. it brings it more to your attention and will help you do it less in the future. its hard.. i catch myself using phrases i dont like all the time, thinking the same thing... why did i say that?! (hugs)


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## Dabble (Jun 14, 2007)

Have you read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn? Or seen the DVD of his lecture by the same name? Your local library may have them for check out.

The reason "UP" popped into my head is because of your comment regarding hearing your own mother's voice coming out of your mouth. He makes that exact statement in his lecture (and I believe in the book as well) regarding how we often repeat what our parents did to us.

I'm paraphrasing loosely, but he says something about because of our desperate need to believe that what our parents did to us was in our best interest, we repeat it with our children in an attempt to validate it further for ourselves. I know that sounds like a lot of psychobabble, and it's much better coming straight from the source. I recommend giving the book/DVD a shot if you haven't already - it can help with a larger shift in thinking that can keep you from reaching those points of intense frustration.

Big







to you mama. We all have our not-so-proud parenting moments. Your boys still love you.


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## Murihiku (Oct 2, 2008)

I just wanted to say that no, that is _not at all_ just about the worst thing a person could say to a child!









Don't be too hard on yourself!


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## kcparker (Apr 6, 2008)

I think stopping yourself in the moment of being shocked is really hard. Reprogramming the automatic response is easier. Try thinking now, in a calm moment, of the kind of response you WOULD like to have come out of your mouth, and then practice it a couple of times a day. Run a scenario in your head - you find DC scooping poo out of the cat litterbox and putting it in his pocket, whatever thing they might do that will push that 'what is the matter with you!?!?!?!" button, and then say, out loud, what you would like to say. Do that a bunch of times, and you will slowly start to reprogram your automatic response. It's kind of the same as how athletes will run a race in their heads, or visualize how they will land their triple axel, but for the sport of parenting. You can also roleplay with DH or a friend, have them be the kid, and you can practice that way.

I recently read parts of this book called Liberating the Adult Within: Moving from Childlike Responses to Authentic Adulthood by Helen Kramer, and it has some good tips on how to have appropriate responses instead of sh!t fits when your buttons get pushed. I think it's actually a good GD resource because it has a section on dealing with one's own children, both how to be an adult with them and how to help them formulate more adult responses. She talks about how the brain can get short circuited in stressful situations so that the higher reasoning centers are bypassed, and we revert to child-like and child-learned responses. That's probably also why you hear your mom coming out - it's the response you learned for parental shock and outrage as a kid, so it's your 'default setting.'


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## mama_mojo (Jun 5, 2005)

I replace phrases through practice outside of the moment. My current favorites are-
"THAT'S not what I wanted to happen!"

"OOPS! I bet you thought something different would happen!"

I might say these loudly, but even the words force my tone to change and give me the feedback I need to see a situation for what it is. I have to practice these often, and I do not need to apologize as often I did before I started coaching myself.


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## vaughnmama (May 18, 2007)

Try to program yourself to yell out a response from the "I" perspective. For example, *"I seriously don't like that! I feel angry! AND I'm going to walk away for a minute to calm down!" Then walk away for at least 90 seconds*, to let the adrenaline clear out of your body, get a drink of water, and clear your head before you come back to try to talk to your boys. Believe me, I've been there and this has been helping me.


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## Paeta16 (Jul 24, 2007)

I don't really have any advice but I wanted to sympathize. Every now and then I'll say "WHAT are you doing?"(angry tone) to my 20 month old DD...and I feel awful! (((HUGS)))


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## madskye (Feb 20, 2006)

I like the "I perspective" advice.

In general--I can think of many worse things to say, and I think it also depends on the situation. To say "what is the matter at you" at a child who wants another snack or something minor is an over-reaction. But that would come out of my mouth quite naturally if my child were hitting me, which she does when she's frustrated. She's almost 4, she knows hitting isn't the answer. (And I'm almost 40 and I know mean words aren't the answer, either--but neither of us are perfect.)

That said, it's great that you are looking for better, more gentle ways to express yourself. And I do think you need to express yourself--you can't be a robot who doesn't react, but you can use less judgmental language, ask questions about what they are doing (as opposed to what is wrong with them) and then just plainly let them know whatever it is is not acceptable.

Whenever I lose or in the middle of losing my temper I really try to take a deep breath and remember that no matter what just happened, I'm the grown-up and I'm the one who has to get things back on the right course.


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

Thank you everybody. I really appreciate all of your suggestions and kind words. I especially like the idea of practicing an alternative when I'm not in the moment. I really need to work on this and I feel like I at least have a place to start now. Thanks. Oh, and I'll definitely look for Unconditional Parenting. Thanks!


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

: I too have done this more frequently.


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## Jackies Ladybug (Jun 19, 2008)

my favorite thing to do when i start hearing myself say something i dont like is to finish it with "blabbity blah blah blah!!!!!" so i'll use your example phrase and go "WHATS THE MATTER WITH BLABBITY BLAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" really loud and then smile. your kids will think you have gone nuts, it really relieves the tension in the house, i do it with hubs too. its also great because sometimes you dont catch that you are saying something until it is halfway out already, so you can change it in the middle with minimal thought to formation of replacement words.


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jackies Ladybug* 
my favorite thing to do when i start hearing myself say something i dont like is to finish it with "blabbity blah blah blah!!!!!" so i'll use your example phrase and go "WHATS THE MATTER WITH BLABBITY BLAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" really loud and then smile. your kids will think you have gone nuts, it really relieves the tension in the house, i do it with hubs too. its also great because sometimes you dont catch that you are saying something until it is halfway out already, so you can change it in the middle with minimal thought to formation of replacement words.

I love this! Thank you!


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## LovinLiviLou (Aug 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Jackies Ladybug* 
my favorite thing to do when i start hearing myself say something i dont like is to finish it with "blabbity blah blah blah!!!!!" so i'll use your example phrase and go "WHATS THE MATTER WITH BLABBITY BLAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" really loud and then smile. your kids will think you have gone nuts, it really relieves the tension in the house, i do it with hubs too. its also great because sometimes you dont catch that you are saying something until it is halfway out already, so you can change it in the middle with minimal thought to formation of replacement words.

We do a version of this (Both DH and I), but instead of words, we just make some really loud, crazy sound. Sometimes it's the Charlie Brown adult sound, sometimes a duck quack, sometimes a shrill vowel, you get the point . . .

It absolutely breaks the tension, lets us get our frustration out without thinking about what to say, and the kids stop what they are doing and look at us. And then we usually (on a good day, anyway







all laugh, which allows the squaker to calmly say what they are feeling.

the funny thing is that my 5 year old is now doing this to us . . .


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## soccermama (Jul 2, 2008)

I've said this a few times, too...







and have caught myself and apologized.


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## sweetpea333 (Jul 2, 2005)

i said that a few times this week, and I also hate it....


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

This is something that my husband says alot and it annoys me. BUT I wanted to say that it is not the worst thing you could say....take it easy on yourself mama.....







:


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Heh...

I say "Have you lost your mind??????" to the kids.


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## Tdunahoo (Apr 10, 2008)

I come from a family of yellers so its also hard for me to control what pops out of my mouth. I've been working on reminding myself that even though I'm furious at the moment in the long run it isn't a big deal. So when I go to yell "F&** WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING THAT!?" I take a deep breath and a) that deep breath helps to calm me down and b) it gives me a second to think about what I want to say instead so while ATM i'll be irritated still I will be able to control the volume of my voice.

I'm still working on it.. don't be too hard on yourself it really does happen to all of us, I've heard my parents come out of me way too often than i'd like to admit!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

A similar phrase that might actually be constructive is, _"What were you thinking about when you did that?"_ Or "_What did you think would happen when you did that?"_ If you can ask that question, and then make yourself listen to the answer -- you might get some insight into what preceded the foolish behavior.


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## readytobedone (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Murihiku* 
I just wanted to say that no, that is _not at all_ just about the worst thing a person could say to a child!









Don't be too hard on yourself!

ditto. i said this at least twice today, and though i didn't feel great about it, ya know, there are way worse things people say and DO all the time. for me, i try to have perspective on the generational thing. considering my mom would smack me over and over again on the legs in the bathtub when i wouldn't sit down because i hated baths







(wonder why i kept on hating them night after night?














, well, i think it's cool that when DD screams in the bathtub and won't sit down that i don't do the same--even though i now get, somewhat, why my mom did it--even though it is clearly WRONG.

give yourself credit for the things you are already doing better. when you make a mistake, note it and then let go of it and try to do better next time. easier said than done, i know, but it sounds like you are a great mom. really.


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## boysmom2 (Jan 24, 2007)

Thanks for all the reassurance, everybody! I've been trying harder to catch myself in the moment and it does seem to be helping. Thanks for all the great advice!


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## delighted.mama (Jan 29, 2003)

oops, posted in the wrong place!


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kcparker* 
I think stopping yourself in the moment of being shocked is really hard. Reprogramming the automatic response is easier. Try thinking now, in a calm moment, of the kind of response you WOULD like to have come out of your mouth, and then practice it a couple of times a day. Run a scenario in your head - you find DC scooping poo out of the cat litterbox and putting it in his pocket, whatever thing they might do that will push that 'what is the matter with you!?!?!?!" button, and then say, out loud, what you would like to say. Do that a bunch of times, and you will slowly start to reprogram your automatic response. It's kind of the same as how athletes will run a race in their heads, or visualize how they will land their triple axel, but for the sport of parenting. You can also roleplay with DH or a friend, have them be the kid, and you can practice that way.

I'm not the OP, but I just wanted to say that I really LOVE this suggestion. I've been saying a lot of not-so-nice things to my 7-year-old lately before I catch myself, and I think this technique will REALLY help me. I'm going to go make a list of acceptable responses to the behaviors he has that drive me crazy. Thanks so much!


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

:







btdt


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## lovingmommyhood (Jul 28, 2006)

I think someone could say much worse things to a child. Don't be so hard on yourself mom.


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