# Allowing Teens Their Privacy with BF's or GF's



## barbara73069 (Apr 21, 2007)

I took this topic from another one of my boards, and thought I would post it here. If you know that your teen is sexually active, do you allow them to have privacy at your home with their bf or gf? I do allow my 16 yr old and her bf as much privacy as they want although they are in a long term committed relationship. What does everyone else think about this?


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## PajamaMama (Dec 18, 2004)

I haven't had to deal with this situation yet with my own teen (she's not quite 14) but I have thought about it, because I had a boyfriend in high school whose mother has the same philosophy about teen sex that you have. I wish now that it had been harder for us to be sexually active, because in retrospect I was not ready for that kind of situation even though I thought I was. We probably would have found other venues for our activities but not as frequently. I think I'd rather help my girls have higher self esteem than I had when I was a teen than 'allow' this kind of situation.

So...I would say for a younger teen, no. For an older teen, perhaps...it would really depend on the child, the partner, and the overall situation. There are other things to consider besides what the teens 'want'...advocating sexual freedom for teens could land one of them, or you as the willing facilitator, in a sticky legal situation.


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## talk de jour (Apr 21, 2005)

I have a very, very long time to go before I will ever be in this situation...

but I'd just have to wait and see and judge on the individual teen. Ideally, I'd like my kid to wait until marriage... but to be very very honest I know *one* person who waited. One. And she is an extremely devout Mormon.

So I'd rather have my hypothetical kid/s protected and safe and informed than sneaking around and getting God knows what and becoming infertile at 15 from PID or getting pregnant or becoming a father because they felt unsafe asking for condoms or BC from me, or getting pressured into things they aren't ready for because they couldn't ask their mom for advice.

When all's said and done, I'd rather say "fine, do it in your own bed, I just don't want to hear you" than any of the above. yk?


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I haven't had to deal with this yet, but we have constant talks about Torah values regarding sex/dating, and how those values compare to society at large. I think I've made it clear that I hope they follow my values, but that I won't judge them if they make other choices, and I'm always available to help them.

I don't think that anybody (single 36yos included







) should date outside of mariage prospects. I don't think that the whole "teen dating" scheme is healthy. The Torah has very defined rules about men and women (defined as men over 13 and women over 12) touching one another and being alone in a room together. We discuss the underlying philosophy of these laws, and that there are options between "follow Torah 100%" and "completely ignore the Torah's advice in this area".

I will help them navigate this area of their lives whether or not they follow the Torah's teachings on it. I'd be willing to purchase condoms and/or take my DD to be fitted for a diaphram if it was necesary. But I can't see allowing them a place to have sex in my home- partly due to the teeny tiny living space (um, exactly WHERE could I provide this private space? The bedroom I share with both DDs?) and partly due to religious convictions. I'd no sooner encourage a child to be in a locked room with a teen of the opposite sex than I'd serve bacon.


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## enkmom (Aug 30, 2004)

I don't know for certain if my daughter was sexually active or not, but she was in a long-term, committed relationship in high school. I didn't go out of my way to give them privacy, but I didn't sweat it if they were home alone. When she brought a boyfriend home for Christmas break last year, they both slept in her room.


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## taterbug1999 (May 5, 2006)

I'm not there either- for a long while thank goodness- but I was a busy little teen myself. If I was dating someone and we were doing "it" we found our own way in the world, so to say. So I appreciate my parents rules for respecting their home. They did not approve of premarital sex so they did not allow me to be alone in my room with a boy. Their house, their rules. We didn't need my house to premiscuous in so I can't really see it as "Well at least you know they're in a safe place" As long as a sexually active teen is using protection, the location can be elsewhere from my home IMHO. Frankly like a pp said it might make it a little less easy to accomplish if they have to find their own little love nest.

So as my son and daughter age I hope to follow the idea that the only people I want to KNOW of having sex in my house are a married or engaged couple- preferably just married. Now if they can cram in a romp unbeknownst to me, that's their business and if I'm none the wiser then so be it. I just don't particularly want them to feel that comfy in our home or that, frankly, I condone their choice enough that they can have at it whenever they feel right down the hall from us and their sibling. It is my and my dh husbands home and it sort of seems like our territory for that.... does that make sense? When they're grown and have chosen a life-ling partner then it's a whole other deal. Until then it is our home, we are married and we pay the bills to keep said roof over our heads, so we get to be the only couple openly allowed to have sex in our home. I'm sure I seem less than liberal on this one, but I don't mind.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Not there either. But if I know the boy/girl my dd is dating and having sex with respects her and won't force the issue if she says no, even if they have done it before. Then I see no reason to worry or prevent them from having privacy. A retationship can be heathly with or without sex, and I don't have a problem with her choosing not to wait.


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## grniys (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I haven't had to deal with this yet, but we have constant talks about Torah values regarding sex/dating, and how those values compare to society at large. I think I've made it clear that I hope they follow my values, but that I won't judge them if they make other choices, and I'm always available to help them.

I don't think that anybody (single 36yos included







) should date outside of mariage prospects. I don't think that the whole "teen dating" scheme is healthy. The Torah has very defined rules about men and women (defined as men over 13 and women over 12) touching one another and being alone in a room together. We discuss the underlying philosophy of these laws, and that there are options between "follow Torah 100%" and "completely ignore the Torah's advice in this area".

I will help them navigate this area of their lives whether or not they follow the Torah's teachings on it. I'd be willing to purchase condoms and/or take my DD to be fitted for a diaphram if it was necesary. But I can't see allowing them a place to have sex in my home- partly due to the teeny tiny living space (um, exactly WHERE could I provide this private space? The bedroom I share with both DDs?) and partly due to religious convictions. I'd no sooner encourage a child to be in a locked room with a teen of the opposite sex than I'd serve bacon.

I have a long, long time until I need to worry about this, but I pretty much agree with Ruthla's post. Just sub Torah with Bible and that's my opinion on it.


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## chiromamma (Feb 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I haven't had to deal with this yet, but we have constant talks about Torah values regarding sex/dating, and how those values compare to society at large. I think I've made it clear that I hope they follow my values, but that I won't judge them if they make other choices, and I'm always available to help them.

I don't think that anybody (single 36yos included







) should date outside of mariage prospects. I don't think that the whole "teen dating" scheme is healthy. The Torah has very defined rules about men and women (defined as men over 13 and women over 12) touching one another and being alone in a room together. We discuss the underlying philosophy of these laws, and that there are options between "follow Torah 100%" and "completely ignore the Torah's advice in this area".

I will help them navigate this area of their lives whether or not they follow the Torah's teachings on it. I'd be willing to purchase condoms and/or take my DD to be fitted for a diaphram if it was necesary. But I can't see allowing them a place to have sex in my home- partly due to the teeny tiny living space (um, exactly WHERE could I provide this private space? The bedroom I share with both DDs?) and partly due to religious convictions. I'd no sooner encourage a child to be in a locked room with a teen of the opposite sex than I'd serve bacon.

Great post Ruthla.








We are by no means Orthodox but the Torah shapes our values and world view. Your post was a great wake up call to the fact that I have thousands of years of wisdom to draw from as Ihelp my 14 DD navigate these waters.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MusicianDad* 
Not there either. But if I know the boy/girl my dd is dating and having sex with respects her and won't force the issue if she says no, even if they have done it before. Then I see no reason to worry or prevent them from having privacy. A retationship can be heathly with or without sex, and I don't have a problem with her choosing not to wait.


This is my viewpoint as well. And I am "there" I want my kids to know this is their home and to feel comfortable to be themselves


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## jennlyn (Jul 15, 2007)

:

Quote:


Originally Posted by *taterbug1999* 
I'm not there either- for a long while thank goodness- but I was a busy little teen myself. If I was dating someone and we were doing "it" we found our own way in the world, so to say. So I appreciate my parents rules for respecting their home. They did not approve of premarital sex so they did not allow me to be alone in my room with a boy. Their house, their rules. We didn't need my house to premiscuous in so I can't really see it as "Well at least you know they're in a safe place" As long as a sexually active teen is using protection, the location can be elsewhere from my home IMHO. Frankly like a pp said it might make it a little less easy to accomplish if they have to find their own little love nest.

So as my son and daughter age I hope to follow the idea that the only people I want to KNOW of having sex in my house are a married or engaged couple- preferably just married. Now if they can cram in a romp unbeknownst to me, that's their business and if I'm none the wiser then so be it. I just don't particularly want them to feel that comfy in our home or that, frankly, I condone their choice enough that they can have at it whenever they feel right down the hall from us and their sibling. It is my and my dh husbands home and it sort of seems like our territory for that.... does that make sense? When they're grown and have chosen a life-ling partner then it's a whole other deal. Until then it is our home, we are married and we pay the bills to keep said roof over our heads, so we get to be the only couple openly allowed to have sex in our home. I'm sure I seem less than liberal on this one, but I don't mind.

Totally agree on this- if my teens choose to have premarital sex, it will not be under my roof with my blessing. Things have changed since I was younger, I knew NO ONE whose parents would have been ok with this.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Ditto Ruthla, _et al_.Mine are 17 & 14.

My 17yo dates, and I provide enough privacy for a kiss and a cuddle. In public parts of the house where I just may have errands to do from time to time. Unexpectedly. I'm sorry, but the bedrooms are off limits.

My 14yo doesn't yet date, although she's had the opportunity. It won't be much different for her. Although I expect her older brother will provide less opportunity for private time than I do.

I will note that we have had numerous and extensive talks about how a child at this stage in their lives will effect their future choices.

Not all kids have sex. Those that do, will find a place for it regardless. I don't need to provide an open door policy for it, though.


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## Emzachsmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
Ditto Ruthla, _et al_.Mine are 17 & 14.

My 17yo dates, and I provide enough privacy for a kiss and a cuddle. In public parts of the house where I just may have errands to do from time to time. Unexpectedly. I'm sorry, but the bedrooms are off limits.

My 14yo doesn't yet date, although she's had the opportunity. It won't be much different for her. Although I expect her older brother will provide less opportunity for private time than I do.

I will note that we have had numerous and extensive talks about how a child at this stage in their lives will effect their future choices.

Not all kids have sex. Those that do, will find a place for it regardless. I don't need to provide an open door policy for it, though.

This pretty much sums up how I feel about it.


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## ziggy (Feb 8, 2007)

By the time I was 15 I was the acting adult in the house. As long as mom brought in money I did all the shopping and cooking and getting kids to school and stuff. If you ask my mom today, I was not dating, much less having sex in her house. Ever.

I was. Quite a bit of it.

Do you know how hard it is to find latex free dental dams when you can't drive?


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

I would say no to under 18. I support healthy committed relationship. DD,15 has been in party scence and had sex but for today not allowing in my home.Sallie


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## debbieh (Apr 22, 2007)

Well having already raised two dc who are into their 30's, I HAVE been here. I'll probably get flagged for this but I DID give them their privacy.







: I had a long talk with each of my 3 children, telling them how I felt about sex before marriage. Making sure they understood the possible reprocussions. Then I told them that if they came to a place where they were in love and knew they were going to be with someone, please let me know first, so that I could make sure they were protected.
My oldest two came to me. Was it easy? NO WAY. But I felt that their safety and protection was more important than anything else. Not only did I make sure they were protected, but if they were having sexual relations in my house, I knew they weren't out in a car, in the dark somewhere, where they WEREN'T safe.
My 18 yo dd has not yet met anyone that she feels that strongly about. But when she does I have no doubt that she too, will come to me.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *debbieh* 
But I felt that their safety and protection was more important than anything else.

yes!!!!!


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *debbieh* 
Well having already raised two dc who are into their 30's, I HAVE been here. I'll probably get flagged for this but I DID give them their privacy.







: I had a long talk with each of my 3 children, telling them how I felt about sex before marriage. Making sure they understood the possible reprocussions. Then I told them that if they came to a place where they were in love and knew they were going to be with someone, please let me know first, so that I could make sure they were protected.
My oldest two came to me. Was it easy? NO WAY. But I felt that their safety and protection was more important than anything else. Not only did I make sure they were protected, but if they were having sexual relations in my house, I knew they weren't out in a car, in the dark somewhere, where they WEREN'T safe.
My 18 yo dd has not yet met anyone that she feels that strongly about. But when she does I have no doubt that she too, will come to me.

that is awesome. i hope my kids come to me ... and if they do i will do the same as you... i would not want to violate the trust they showed me by talking to me ... and my main concern would be their safety... so yep i would give them privacy

also - on a more philosophical level i would give them privacy b/c i don't want them to have sex and have to sneak around and hide it and stuff... i don't want them to view sex and dirty, secretive, or wrong yk?


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
also - on a more philosophical level i would give them privacy b/c i don't want them to have sex and have to sneak around and hide it and stuff... i don't want them to view sex and dirty, secretive, or wrong yk?

excellent point, I was thinking about that too.


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## ~Megan~ (Nov 7, 2002)

My oldest is 6 so this is all hypothetical and I'm really not sure what I'll do when the time comes.

I do remember being sexually active and it being a secret though. It created distance between my mom and myself.

I had a boyfriend and we would spend long tracks of time in his bedroom, secretly or not so secretly, and his parents never said anything but it made me feel bad to be around them. They obviously knew what we were doing and didn't approve yet never said anything.

Honesty seems like a good idea. I think it also takes some understanding and acceptance of the fact that teens are sexual as much as adults. While I would love for my kids to wait till their late teens to become sexually active (because I think it requires a certain amount of maturity to not be damaged by sexual activity and breakups) it may not happen and I have little control over it. I plan to stress responsible activity and waiting until they are truly ready and not just curious.


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## smillerhouse (Aug 5, 2006)

Megan, This jumped out at me: responsible activity and waiting until they are truly ready. My values too. But what I see with my dd, 15 is that the impulsivity factor and peer acceptance and I am also dealing with substance abuse stuff with her so there is not the clear thinking capability I would hope for.
I am trying to encourage and channel her energy into healthy activities and friends and this is a challenge as she is very active and the one non-druggie/alchohol user girl she is friends with currently is pretty couch potatish and dad promises to take them places but does not follow through. I had to intercept that one a bit ago because she would have been in a car to the Mall with a druggie because she was bored and wanted action right that minute. I had arranged for her to work at the Humane Society today but the dad said he would take them to the Mall , she was excited as there was another girl, also







. I really try to keep her busy and channeled in positive activities She is also doing AA or therapy daily. Sallie


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## sunset (Aug 24, 2005)

This is exactly where we are right now. DD1 has a bf, she is 16. Of course it's all big big love, they have been dating for 6 months. She an I are not getting on too well right now, as I feel she is distracted from school work by
the situation.
She told me a couple of months ago that she was thinking about having sex with him and what did I think? I said I would rather see her wait a while, but it was her decision and obviously we talked a lot about protection, pregnancy, disease etc.
Now all that said I find myself in a quandry when they are here together and I have to go out. I am not sure she is quite ready to take that step and while I want to respect her decision and give her privacy I don't want to facillitate her taking the step. I don't want either of them leaping into it because they think they should and because the opportunity arises.
I just don't know?


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

ugh thats hard. i can only speak from the perspective of the teen in the situation.. but i think my mom was sort of where you are right now. not really wanting me to do it .. but also knowing its my decision.

my thoughts are these, your dd has come to you telling you she is considering having sex. i think she told you for one of two reasons. 1 she wants you to stop her or 2. she is trying to be open about her feelings and hopes you will respect her. i would out right ask if she wants you to tell her no... and tell her you will if she wants you to. but if you think she is serious about wanting to have sex and wanting to talk to you about it i would probably help her get bc and give her a safe place.. she came to you and that shows she trusts and respects you.. i would trust and respect her in return... not doing so you run the risk of putting distance between you and her lying about sex.


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## Cherie2 (Sep 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
1 she wants you to stop her

what an excellent point, i would not have thought about that.. (not that my dd has ever come to me about sex, but still very good point)


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## sunset (Aug 24, 2005)

It is an excellent point, thanks so much for your input.


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## Bellabaz (Feb 27, 2008)

I am not inthe situation myself however I feel that if my child is in a relationship with someone and we know the person, I don't have a problem giving them privacy If it is someone they met last week that is a different story. I think a time span of 3 or 6 months is reasonable.


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## griffin2004 (Sep 25, 2003)

I would feel terribly violated as a parent if some other parents were knowingly facilitating their child having sex with my minor child in their home.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *barbara73069* 
If you know that your teen is sexually active, do you allow them to have privacy at your home with their bf or gf?


Yes I do and I have for a long time. I think every established couple need privacy in order to mature. For me, allowing them privacy isn't about sex. It is about the ability for them to communicate and grow as a couple and individuals.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *griffin2004* 
I would feel terribly violated as a parent if some other parents were knowingly facilitating their child having sex with my minor child in their home.

Well personally I don't think it is my right to spread my DD's sex life around without her permission. Neither DD or her BF feel comfortable with his parents knowing. I work hard to build honesty and trust with my DD. I'm not about to violate that. If I were to inform his parents about what she told me then she won't be as open with me in the future. I value our relationship. I take the position that if they are careful then their sex life is their business.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Well, interestingly enough... My son has a new g/f. They've been friends for quite a while, although only dating for a few weeks. He went to hang with her at her Dad's (who is currently in Iraq, but she was with her stepmom and stepsib). I was a little surprised when I picked him up to find out that they were down in the basement, unsupervised. Completely unsupervised. Sorry - not cool with me. And... I know would not be cool with her Mom. And I suspect not with her Dad.

So, I think future hanging out is going to be at my house, or at her Mom's. Or only at Dad's once he's back.


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## barbara73069 (Apr 21, 2007)

ArielMomma said:


> Yes I do and I have for a long time. I think every established couple need privacy in order to mature. For me, allowing them privacy isn't about sex. It is about the ability for them to communicate and grow as a couple and individuals.
> 
> [I totally agree with this. I think it's better that our kids understand that sex is only a part of a mature relationship.


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *barbara73069* 

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 

Yes I do and I have for a long time. I think every established couple need privacy in order to mature. For me, allowing them privacy isn't about sex. It is about the ability for them to communicate and grow as a couple and individuals.

I totally agree with this. I think it's better that our kids understand that sex is only a part of a mature relationship.

It bothers me when people don't want their kids relationships to mature. It almost seems like they are actually trying to keep their kids from growing up. DD and her BF spend about 95% of their time down in her bedroom. Are they having sex that much? No way! Most of the time they are studying, playing video games, watching television, messing on the computer, eating or hanging with friends. DD lives in the basement which has a lot of room.









I give my DD privacy because I actually want her to grow up and make decisions for herself.


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## aprildawn (Apr 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
I'd no sooner encourage a child to be in a locked room with a teen of the opposite sex than I'd serve bacon.











Me too. Except I'm not Jewish. I just don't eat pork! And, our family follows the Old and New Testament's teachings on sexuality (among other things).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
Not all kids have sex. Those that do, will find a place for it regardless. I don't need to provide an open door policy for it, though.

Thank you for saying this. People seem to assume all kids are having sex.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 
It bothers me when people don't want their kids relationships to mature. It almost seems like they are actually trying to keep their kids from growing up.

Having sex =/= mature.

Plenty of very mature people don't have sex -- by choice. In fact, I'd say it takes a very mature person to choose to remain celibate. OTOH, plenty of extremely immature people have lots of sex.


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## monkaha (Jan 22, 2004)

I think that I will pretty much follow the same rules as my mom did-ok to be in the bedroom with opp sex, but door stays open. (I wonder if the rule would have been door always open if mom had considered I might be gay?) I will encourage my kids to be open about it with me, and help them to be protected if that's what they choose. I will, however, skip the freak-out and punishment when my kids DO come to me for help getting protection. (good one, mom. "come to me anytime" sounds great, but how likely am I to ask for help again if it's just gonna get me grounded with no phone time?)

This is all, of course, theoretical at this point (though closer than I realize, I suspect) and may change depending on DH's thoughts. We've not talked about it at all. (kids are 7,4, and in utero now, so we've just been putting it off)


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## ArielMomma (Jul 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aprildawn* 

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ArielMomma* 

It bothers me when people don't want their kids relationships to mature. It almost seems like they are actually trying to keep their kids from growing up.

Having sex =/= mature.

Plenty of very mature people don't have sex -- by choice. In fact, I'd say it takes a very mature person to choose to remain celibate. OTOH, plenty of extremely immature people have lots of sex.

I didn't say sex equals a mature relationship. A mature relationship is one that withstands time and is mutually beneficial to the individuals involved. It may or may not involve being sexual. I believe privacy is an important ingredient in assisting a relationship become mature.


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *barbara73069* 
I took this topic from another one of my boards, and thought I would post it here. If you know that your teen is sexually active, do you allow them to have privacy at your home with their bf or gf? ..........


Hello No!


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## sacredjourney (Aug 24, 2006)

Speaking from experience- BF and I were allowed to sleep together, at his house. We had protected sex before bed, and spent the rest of our time doing productive things at his house. Making food for his family, playing sports outside etc. At my house, because sex was so forbidden, we spent most of the time trying to figure out how to have sex. Then when we returned from "walks" my parents were not happy with us. I say it's best to accept what is going to happen with or without your blessing, because trying to stop sexually active teens does not bring you any closer to them.


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## Lizbiz (Jun 15, 2008)

I won't allow my kids to be in their bedrooms alone with their significant others or any members of the opposite sex. I know some people who waited for marriage. My husband waited for me.

But these are our values - which we hope to share with our children. I fully intend to respect my teen's privacy - but that doesn't include allowing them unnecessary freedom that they are not ready to handle as teens. When they are adults, living on their own, I hope they will be mature enough to say good night to their dates and leave things at that until they are married. I know I will encourage them to be open and honest with us, and I am going to make it clear that I will not be harsh or angry if they tell me they've either had sex or are considering having sex. And, yes, I will even tell them that they'd better use protection (we don't use any protection ever because we simply don't need it - we're married and faithful, that's all the protection we need) if they are going to make the unwise choice to have sex outside of marriage. I'm not going to pretend that I can stop them or control them, but I'm also not going to take them to get fitted for a diaphragm or buy them condoms. I'm simply going to inform them. But I think I will also advise and require them to attend some counseling, and I will certainly speak with their significant other, and I'm sure my husband will as well. We would consider speaking with the significant other's parents as well, and hope that we will already have some kind of relationship with them if our children are dating.

I wasn't allowed to date as a teen, and this caused me to rebel - I will not do this to my children, but I will be really forward about getting to know my kid's boyfriends and girlfriends and their families. My parents just pretended not to care and basically ignored my emotional life altogether - I think in the hopes that if they pretended their daughter wasn't romantically involved, then she wouldn't be. It didn't help, and I plan to be emotionally available to my children.

That said, this is many years down the road - so we shall see when we get there.... Interesting topic. My friends who had this much freedom in high school didn't do that well, to be honest - their relationships became pretty unhealthy and I think it distracted them from the work of finding and defining themselves - which I think is basically the main work of adolescence. I thought it was really really weird that their parents gave them that much freedom - I was never jealous.

Blessings to all you parents with teens now - they'll all get through, we all did somehow, eh?


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## kolleen9 (May 27, 2006)

hmm... good question...

I would not want to be caught in a legal situation by condoning sex in my house between GFs & BFs, but I do appreciate the need for a teen to have privacy.

The best I would do is give them a place to be alone but also tell them that I want the door unlocked and although I would give them the respect of knocking, I want to be able to open it and come in within seconds.

If my son was in the hormonal years and had a steady GF, I'd probably also tape condoms to his toothbrush, hairbrush etc. on a daily basis.

-Kolleen


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## sharon.gmc (Nov 17, 2008)

As long as the relationship of your teen daughter is based on respect and true love then you don't have anything to worry about.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I must be the totally odd duck here, but I don't allow my minor children to get into relationships (ie dating relationships). I know where my children are all the time.

We also believe "dating" just for "fun" is not good, and go more for the "courting" aspect of it.

My oldest daughter is now 18 and has begun her first relationship. This is a relationship that is being looked at as a "marriage potential" since that is what dating is for. It is not sexual. No I would never give them privacy for that sort of relationship. And yes, I DO know, for sure.

The closest thing to privacy she will have is the living room alone with him. Where anyone could walk in at any given moment, and I do quite often (not to "check in" but we do have a busy household). They have privacy without putting themselves into a position of temptation to take things too far. (And at his place, there is the same set up with his mom and grandmother.)

Sure, I want their relationship to mature, but hormones can run wild at times and it helps to keep things out in the open to prevent an unwanted temptation.

Not all people have sex before marriage.


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## Fairy4tmama (Sep 3, 2003)

I hope I will be able to respect my childens choices. I will definatly allow my kids privacy with BF/GF. I was a busy teen my self even with out my parents allowing me privacy and yes we found ways but much of it truly was unsavory and down right unsafe. I think that forcing kids to sneak around fosters a wham bam thank ya mam mentality. I also tink that being on you own turf so to speak can give you the empowerment to say no or steer things in anoter direction and yes to get help if you need it some thing that just can't happen if you are in the middle of nowhere, or relient on bf/gf for a ride home or you are in a dangerous situation. Granted this was before cell phones but I know I myself would have eaten glass or allowed myself harm before asking my parents for help


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

Hmmm....Well, my mom wasnt home a lot so I just had boyfriend over when she was at work, otherwise we'd drive out to the boonies where he lived, park the car in the woods, yeah you get it.

My dad and stepmom were much more open. My lil sis and her bf of now almost 7 years did whatever they wanted to, she spent the night at his house a lot. But my dad +sm knew they were in a long term relationship so there was no point in trying to "stop" them.

As for my kids? If you need a condom, they're in the medicine cabinet. I will encourage my dd to wait, I waited until I was 17. But when she does become sexually active I want her to tell me so we can discuss birth control options. I wont "ban" teen sex in my house, but I wont encourage it either.


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## fork (Feb 7, 2007)

I will probably do the same thing my mother did with me. At 16 door shut during the day, and at 17 overnights. Most of my best friends were guys, and they were like brothers to me, not being able to hang out in my room with them and have some privacy would have been devastating to me. The same rules applied to boyfriends and it was really nice to not have to sneak around. I didn't end up having sex until I was 19, so privacy doesn't automatically mean there will be sex, the most I ever did was make out. I knew what I wanted and it wasn't hard to keep things from getting out of hand.


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## THANKFULFORFIVE (Jan 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mtiger* 
Ditto Ruthla, _et al_.Mine are 17 & 14.

My 17yo dates, and I provide enough privacy for a kiss and a cuddle. In public parts of the house where I just may have errands to do from time to time. Unexpectedly. I'm sorry, but the bedrooms are off limits.

My 14yo doesn't yet date, although she's had the opportunity. It won't be much different for her. Although I expect her older brother will provide less opportunity for private time than I do.

I will note that we have had numerous and extensive talks about how a child at this stage in their lives will effect their future choices.

Not all kids have sex. Those that do, will find a place for it regardless. I don't need to provide an open door policy for it, though.

I would say this is exactly what I'm feeling on the subject too....


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

how can you be sure that they aren't sleeping with people of the same sex? just wondering because i definitely did in high school and college. i had boyfriends too... but those i told my mom about. any girls i was with were 'just friends.' it wasn't intended to deceive i just wasn't ready to tell them yet. but i was not allowed to be alone (for to much time) with guys until senior year but most definitely was alone with girls. i came out to my parents with in a month of leaving for college. my mom said yeah no kidding.


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## BrooklynDoula (Oct 23, 2002)

My mom allowed me a lot of privacy in high school. At 15 I had a series boyfriend and she let him stay over if we wanted and gave us a lot of space. I married the boyfriend she let stay over







We have been together for 16 years now, 2 kids, super happy.


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## mcmamacoco (Jan 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *barbara73069* 
I took this topic from another one of my boards, and thought I would post it here. If you know that your teen is sexually active, do you allow them to have privacy at your home with their bf or gf? I do allow my 16 yr old and her bf as much privacy as they want although they are in a long term committed relationship. What does everyone else think about this?

I think it is all about maturity more than age. If they are responsible and demonstrate it they get priviledges.

Thanks Barb for starting the discussion girlfriend.


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## Erin082 (Jan 25, 2009)

I'm fairly certain my 15 ss is sexually active . . . he's alluded to it . . . He has probably shared with his dad that he is. He's not in any sort of relationship, and my biggest concern is his lack of respect/ attitude towards girls and sex. I know he knows enough to be safe. He doesn't bring girls here. With his 14 year old sister, its a whole different story. Its totally hypocritical, but her dad is super protective, and I tend to agree that she isn't ready to be alone with boys. She just lacks the maturity to be in a sexual relationship, and she agrees. At this point its still hand holding and kissing. We're quite open about sex though. We dont think its dirty, and the kids understand its a normal and beautiful thing at the right time with the right partner. At this point there's no way I would feel comfortable allowing them to have sex here. I dont think its appropriate at this stage for these particular kids, though I believe that at some point, and for some kids, its okay.


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## beaner&tiegs (Aug 3, 2003)

I was not allowed to go on solo dates until I was about 16 - though I'd go out with groups of friends on 'dates' to movies and such. After 16, I was allowed to date, and when it became an issue (closer to 17, I think) I had a lot of freedom and was able to have sleepovers and such. HOWEVER, my boyfriend was never comfortable enough to spend the night and have breakfast with the family! In hindsight, obviously not mature enough to be having sex......  So I spent most sleepovers at his house. I'll do the same with my kids, I'd MUCH rather be open and honest, and have them safe and comfortable and protection if they're having sex. I also have no issues whatsoever with them exploring their sexuality, as long as they are are mature enough to not be coerced into doing stuff they're not ready for.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 
how can you be sure that they aren't sleeping with people of the same sex? just wondering because i definitely did in high school and college. i had boyfriends too... but those i told my mom about. any girls i was with were 'just friends.' it wasn't intended to deceive i just wasn't ready to tell them yet. but i was not allowed to be alone (for to much time) with guys until senior year but most definitely was alone with girls. i came out to my parents with in a month of leaving for college. my mom said yeah no kidding.









There's a good point there. My mom had no clue what was intended when I asked to stay over at "My friend *dh*'s house" for the night. My dad did but he didn't care as long as we were smart about it.


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