# I got an ugly letter in the mail on Christmas Eve!



## Cherry_Blossom (Nov 7, 2009)

It reads: "The next time we walk past your house and you are screaming at your little boys, we are calling Social Services. Those two innocent boys do not deserve to be treated the way you treat them. If you are having trouble being a Mom, its okay to go get help! But do not take your problems out on those two little boys. We wish you well, and we hope you get some help for yourself. But we are going to make sure those little boys are safe."

WHAT??? -- WHAT???

Part of me thinks my ex's wife is behind this, she has sent me some extremely nasty text messages lately.


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## Mom31 (Jun 11, 2011)

Please be careful. I had a neighbor call police on me when we were living in an apartment for my yelling at the kids. They went to stay with their dad to give me a break and it took me two years to get them back.

I did yell at my kids tho back then I try not to now. Social services never got involved with it but the courts did and it was hell.


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## chaimom (Aug 22, 2007)

Are you yelling at your kids? Loud enough for people walking by to hear?

If it's completely untrue, I don't think you should worry about it. Could be some kook. I think if you're yelling a lot, you should consider getting help. I don't think yelling at kids is appropriate either.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Yes, be careful.

If there's even a grain of truth in this... get some help and stress relief. Its okay to get a sitter, arrange a playdate or leave them with a trusted relative while you re-charge.


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## Mom31 (Jun 11, 2011)

Also wanted to say hugs mama!!!!!! Thinking of you.


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## Cherry_Blossom (Nov 7, 2009)

It's illegal to yell at your kids? No I'm not yelling a lot, but it happens. In our neighborhood, houses are six feet from the sidewalk. I can hear my neighbors television or phone ringing.


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## Mom31 (Jun 11, 2011)

No its not illegal but pm me and i will tell you my story- i am not very open about it but will share it with you.

It s a sad story that started with me yelling....a neighbor hearing.....

did not realize how bad I sounded.... until the police were at my door and took a report.

Fwiw the neighbor did not like me and should have approached me first as your neighbor seems to have but alas it was over 4 years ago.... and we don't live in an apt now and I do my best to not yell...


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## coffeegirl (Jan 1, 2008)

Yelling at your kids isn't illegal. I can understand being uncomfortable if I heard it happening, especially if it happened a lot. But in and of itself? It's not abusive to the point of needing the intervention of CPS. That's just cuckoo, seriously. Sorry you got such a nasty note.


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## coffeegirl (Jan 1, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Emilie2*
> 
> Please be careful. I had a neighbor call police on me when we were living in an apartment for my yelling at the kids. They went to stay with their dad to give me a break and it took me two years to get them back.
> 
> I did yell at my kids tho back then I try not to now. Social services never got involved with it but the courts did and it was hell.


Sounds like this was more of a custody shenanigans thing than an actual "omg you're yelling at your kids too much, you're an unfit parent, we're taking your kids away" kinda thing. Right? Either way, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I couldn't even imagine.


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## Cherry_Blossom (Nov 7, 2009)

Yeah, I will definitely be more conscious to keep my voice lower, but part of me still thinks the step-mom or some other busybody is behind this. Just think, someone sent this to me on Christmas Eve on purpose!

My younger son (4) has sensory issues and probably Asperger's, so he hates transitions and throws epic tantrums quite often. My older son (7) gets provoked by his drama and they end up screaming at each other. Then I have to be the referee and split them up and send them to different rooms. It probably sounds way worse than it is. I know exactly what is going on with both of them and work hard to be calm and strong and set a good example. And we talk about it A LOT. I compliment and reward good behavior, let them make their own choices whenever possible, don't believe in spanking or intimidation. My house is clean, there's food in the kitchen, overall my kids are happy and friendly and outspoken, we have friends over all the time, the dog is well-trained. Whatever. Social Services is more than welcome to come over and check the place out. I'd love to tell them all about the primary research I'm doing to help college students with mild ASDs develop stronger writing skills and learn to speak their own minds. And how that philosophy carries over into my parenting.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EarthRootsStarSoul*
> 
> Yeah, I will definitely be more conscious to keep my voice lower, but part of me still thinks the step-mom or some other busybody is behind this. Just think, someone sent this to me on Christmas Eve on purpose!
> 
> My younger son (4) has sensory issues and probably Asperger's,


even if it is the step-mom, she can still call CPS and file a report and you can still be investigated. Some CPS investigators are wonderful, and some aren't. It's a crap shoot best avoided.

Has your son had an eval, has access to appropriate services, etc? If not, I would get the ball rolling. If your son's behaviors could be suspected as the result of poor parenting and you don't have documentation of special needs, it could cause you problems. If you son has special needs that could result in some people thinking he is best off receiving services that you aren't getting him, that could cause you problems, too.


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## Mom31 (Jun 11, 2011)

Yes... it was a custody battle that stemmed from my yelling at my kids one night and the police being called by a neighbor.


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## homeschoolingmama (Jun 15, 2007)

GEESH! Sometimes parents yell. Sometimes parents yell at each other! I could see if it was yelling constantly and they heard that but to call CPS/CAS over yelling seems a bit extreme. I try not to yell very often but it does happen. My husband and I don't yell at each other but it does happen with people. Oh man, parents can't even raise their voice anymore without getting threatened! I homeschool, don't vax, co-sleep...you get the idea. I already have enough strikes against me. Now I have to worry that I raise my voice?

As a sidenote, I was Christmas shopping and felt very sad by the way other parent were treating their children. I just felt drained when I was done. I understand parents getting annoyed or upset but it was the berrating and ignoring that just left me with a bad feeling.

I think there is a difference between a parent who yells on occasion because it is one of those days and a parent who yells constantly, berrating their children. At least I hope CPS would see it that way.


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## queenjane (May 17, 2004)

I think what i would be bothered more by, than the note, is that its anonymous. you're left feeling like the neighborhood is watching, and you have no idea really who is "the one" trying to make you miserable. Awhile ago, "someone" called the police on me stating there was a child left alone in my house. I had just pulled up when the cop car got there. My two boys were in the back of my van, but my daughter had beat me home (from school) and had been sitting on the porch for literally like five minutes before i got there(the person would have had to call as soon as she got off the bus, or even before.) this wasnt the first time it had happened, but we live in a VERY safe neighborhood with involved neighbors that she knew well, it was nice weather, and it was not unsafe for her to hang out for a little while at home until i could get there. She told me later the girl across the street said "my mom said the next time your mom isnt home when you get home from school she's calling the police!" ..i dont know if thats true or not (my dd has issues with truth telling) but i find it VERY bothersome that a neighbor would do that instead of just asking me if i needed her to keep an eye on my dd until i could get home. We're not talking hours, or even an hour, but like fifteen minutes or less a handful of times. The cop came, saw my dd was older (8, almost 9 at the time) asked if there were smaller children home alone, i said no. I showed him my boys in the car, he complimented me on extended rfing. I asked if there was a law about children home alone, he said no its a gray area, but no set age. I told her i NEVER left her to go do something, the only time she was EVER alone was if i ran into a train or traffic or whatever and was hurrying home but didnt get there before she arrived. He suggested i get her a key (which i did, school had just started and she'd only been living with me for two months at that point.) But all of this took place in my front yard in a 'hood where everyone sits on the porches and watch their kids play, so im sure it was all the talk of the neighborhood.

But i felt really betrayed, why in the world would someone's first response be to call the police?! It made me really paranoid like my neighbor's were watching me all the time. Having that cop show up really scared my dd who had been a foster child and thought she might have to leave our family. That was way more damaging than sitting on the porch for a few mins. I started wondering, sheesh if i yell at one of my kids, is somebody calling? if my boys are out playing in the front yard, and i run in to use the bathroom, is someone going to call?? if my dd tries to curry favor with a neighbor by saying she's sooo hungry and hasnt eaten all day (as i said, she's got issues) is someone going to call?? I already have another neighbor who called the city because my cat got out (and he's not even an outdoor cat just an old guy that can push the door open if my boys dont shut it all the way.)

Sorta makes me want to live out in the country where the neighbors are far away.


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## Mom31 (Jun 11, 2011)

Ugh queen jane thats awful


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## csekywithlove (Feb 25, 2010)

I hope it wasn't anything besides someone trying to get under your skin. Sounds like an empty threat to me. Go on about your life and have fun with your kids. If CPS does come knocking, act concerned that they were called, "Because I love my kids and they are amazing. Why would anyone think that something is wrong in my house? Would you like to come in and have something to drink?" I don't think that CPS would investigate you on one anonymous tip that you were yelling at your kids. There would have to be more than one call or something worse than just a one time, "she was yelling at her kids." And yelling? You weren't physically beating your kids on the front porch. I think someone is trying to get to you my dear. Hugs to you Mama.


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## aeterna (Nov 6, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *csekywithlove*
> 
> If CPS does come knocking, act concerned that they were called, "Because I love my kids and they are amazing. Why would anyone think that something is wrong in my house? Would you like to come in and have something to drink?"


Unfortunately, I agree with a PP: some CPS employees are amazing, fair, non-judgmental people who sincerely only want the best for the kids they're investigating. And some are bitter, jaded, and judgmental folks who see the worst in everything. And that's an insider's perspective.

I would not invite any official agent into my house without documentation telling me it was no longer optional. They may have trouble getting just cause for a search, but if you invite them in you may give them what they need for it. Don't go borrowing trouble!


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## Cherry_Blossom (Nov 7, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *queenjane*
> 
> I think what i would be bothered more by, than the note, is that its anonymous. you're left feeling like the neighborhood is watching, and you have no idea really who is "the one" trying to make you miserable.


Yeah exactly! My neighborhood is pretty tight-knit, and I would hope that since my neighbors are my friends that they would act like friends. A friend would offer help, not tell you to go get help. "Hey you seem stressed out, want to come in for a cup of coffee?" That's what I would do for a friend. I wish I knew who sent the letter to take them up on their 'offer' of help. "That'd be great! Why don't you come over from 4:30 to 5:30 every evening and entertain my kids so I can make supper?" HA! Whoever sent the letter knew my kids names! And I'm the only single parent in the neighborhood.


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

No one needs a reason to report you.Consider it a benefit you got the letter so you can make sure everything is always in order. Clean house,food in the fridge,,beds for all....all the things they will check.

Any person can make a call on you.Then social services or the police will show up to scope things out. Be nice. Even if all is in order if you piss them off they can find a way to make your life hell.

If you want to find out who left the note make a copy of it and go door to door. Gauge reactions when you ask,"Did you leave this note? I would really like to discuss this with the person who left it for me. I want them to know how it made me feel,and to explain what is going on in MY life." You may or may not talk to the writer,but pehaps the person who wrote it told another.People talk. Once you know you SHOULD talk about how you felt.feel,and your sitaution.Let them know that offering help in any way is far better than threats.

In the meantime be grateful for the kids and what you do have.Life can be crazy,but having each other is a blessing we should not forget for long(if at all).

Wishing you well!

ps. I would go nuts wondering who was watching me an/or who reported me....if a neighbor did that to me over any issue. For some notes are easier,but they are way more *hostile* than direct confrontation.


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## Imakcerka (Jul 26, 2011)

Maybe you could ask your neighbors. Was it sent to you or dropped off? Maybe if it was dropped off someone saw them do it. Then you'd know who did it. Or maybe they will fess up and say they sent it.


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## hippiemum21580 (Jul 14, 2007)

geesh.Im glad I dont live in your neighborhood! Im a single mum of 5 boys and MOST of the time I try to keep it calm and even. But when your two oldest are wrestlingand one takes it too far and breaks a cabinet door wth his brothers body, whilst the 3 year old is screaming because he is overtire and you gave him the (gasp) RED cup instead of the beloved BLUE cup and the dog just chased the cat up onto the counter to knock a plant down...well,sometimes you gotta yell. I dont hit them, I dont threaten t hit them, there is just alot of VOLUME in our home. And alot of love too so its all good. But I can imagine if a stranger is strolling past a atime like that, its going to sound like chaos.


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## ErinYay (Aug 21, 2008)

I'm sorry, but yelling at your kids, even (*especially*) special needs kids, is not a valid parenting choice that should be respected and supported by the community. I'm boggled by the idea that "sheesh, what a world, we can't even yell at our kids anymore" here on MDC of all places.

Yelling happens. Kids falling down the stairs happens, too, and no one will judge you if your kid falls down the stairs. If your kid falls down the stairs more than once or twice? Yeah, there's a problem. Same thing for yelling- losing it on a really awful day? Understandable- we've all been there. Thinking your kid *needs* to be yelled at, yelling enough that the neighbors notice, yelling daily, yelling as your default? Time to re-examine your parenting tools.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ErinYay*
> 
> I'm sorry, but yelling at your kids, even (*especially*) special needs kids, is not a valid parenting choice that should be respected and supported by the community. I'm boggled by the idea that "sheesh, what a world, we can't even yell at our kids anymore" here on MDC of all places.
> 
> Yelling happens. Kids falling down the stairs happens, too, and no one will judge you if your kid falls down the stairs. If your kid falls down the stairs more than once or twice? Yeah, there's a problem. Same thing for yelling- losing it on a really awful day? Understandable- we've all been there. Thinking your kid *needs* to be yelled at, yelling enough that the neighbors notice, yelling daily, yelling as your default? Time to re-examine your parenting tools.


Could you point out where anyone said that yelling as a default, or even yelling daily, are "valid parenting choices" or that they should be respected and supported? Parents yell sometimes, as you said yourself. The fact that some busybody shoved a note in OP's mailbox implying that she's always yelling at her kids does not mean that she is.

And, I don't think yelling should be reported to CPS, even if it is the default (unless it involves a lot of threats or something like that). I'm not the biggest fan of CPS, but I do think they have their place - and their place is kids who are being seriously abused and neglected, not parents who happen to yell a lot. That doesn't mean I "respect and support" yelling. It means I don't think it's CPS-worthy.


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## ErinYay (Aug 21, 2008)

I totally agree that yelling isn't CPS-worthy (I don't think spanking is CPS-worthy, either, though.) I do think that yelling at your kids can be as bad, if not worse to some kiddos, as spanking, though. Many of us have had less-than-stellar moments where we've yelled or spanked, but I think it's the matter of fact tone that's making me twitchy, like, yelling is just a thing, you know? It's not like I'm *hitting* my kids. I'm *just* yelling, and sometimes you gotta yell.

I dunno- if you replace the word "yell" in this thread with "spank," it's quite troublesome, so to people like me, who see them as being equally harmful, the general tone of this is not so hot.

I apologize if I've misinterpreted this, though; I'm not super-great with reading tone.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I think they can be equally harmful, but I don't think they are equally harmful.

I think the tone in this thread has been a lot more "hey - we're human, and sometimes we yell, even though it's not a great thing to do" than "yelling's no big deal". I don't think I know a single parent who has never yelled, ever, yk? I think the "matter of fact" tone is more "wow - CPS for that?" than "no worries - yelling at kids is awesome parenting".

Personally, I'm more worried by the potential damage and anxiety from an unfounded CPS call than I am about the yelling. I've seen kids be really traumatized by their experiences with CPS, and it drives me batty the way people pull out "I'm going to call CPS on you" as some kind of hammer to beat parents with.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

That sounds like a tough letter to receive. Once you move past the hurt this letter caused, I suggest that you try to view the letter as someone trying to help you instead of hurt you though. Either you are perceived as yelling a lot by neighbors passing by or by children talking to their step-mom about their perspective and that is something you may want to explore more and try to problem solve.

I understand yelling and frustration, there have been times when I have been sucked into a cycle of frustration and yelling, especially when I am stressed out and my dd is acting up. It really is hurtful to not only my dd but also to our relationship though no matter how justified I feel at the time (or even afterwards). My dd also tends to act worse when I am in a negative cycle rather than better so it is really up to me to pull us both out and you may find that is the case here. Once I do make a plan for getting myself support and some peace I am able to stay calm and she responds by behaving better so yelling really doesn't seem to do much for me beyond causing more problems than it solves.

It may be a simple matter of your children interpreting your emotions incorrectly and labeling the slightest irritations as yelling also, which is something you should explore if you think the letter came from their step-mom. My dd used to, and occasionally still does, interpret me telling her to do something in a serious tone as me yelling despite my voice not going any louder than its usual tone. We had to talk many times about what a serious voice is versus what yelling is, why I sometimes use a serious tone, how I feel when I use a serious tone, and how mom's can have a wide range of feelings that extend beyond anger just as children can.

The biggest thing helped solidify the idea that I can be serious without being angry was for me to use my normal happy request voice first then to warn her (still mostly cheerfully) that I would have to use my serious tone to make my request if she didn't listen to my happy voice. I rarely ever have to move past that and she almost always sees that I am not angry, just serious. If you think that interpretation is causing the problem rather than actual yelling that may be something that helps.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *One_Girl*
> 
> That sounds like a tough letter to receive. Once you move past the hurt this letter caused, *I suggest that you try to view the letter as someone trying to help you instead of hurt you though*. Either you are perceived as yelling a lot by neighbors passing by or by children talking to their step-mom about their perspective and that is something you may want to explore more and try to problem solve.
> 
> ...


You make some good points, except that I don't see anything in any of OP's posts to suggest that there's an issue with her children thinking she yells too much. (I'm not saying they don't think that - just don't see anything in the posts to suggest it.)

And, I can't imagine how anybody, in any circumstances, could think that dropping an anonymous "we'll sic CPS on you" letter in someone's mailbox on Christmas Eve would help the mom/family in question. Can you explain why you think this might be an attempt to help, because I can't see it at all. It's a threat, pure and simple. Threats aren't attempts to help...anonymous threats are even less likely to be such an attempt.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:
Originally Posted by *EarthRootsStarSoul* 


> My younger son (4) has sensory issues and probably Asperger's, so he hates transitions and throws epic tantrums quite often. My older son (7) gets provoked by his drama and they end up screaming at each other. Then I have to be the referee and split them up and send them to different rooms. It probably sounds way worse than it is.


The OPer seems to feel she HAS to yell because one of her kids has special needs. But when asked if he's had an eval and is receiving services, she remained silent.

I think there are a couple of things here that could cause her problems. Her child *may* show behaviors that can be misconstrued as being caused by bad parenting, either to a neighbor or a CPS worker. (I know my spectrum kiddo has from time to time). These behaviors *could* make CPS involvement more likely.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ErinYay*
> 
> I'm sorry, but yelling at your kids, even (*especially*) special needs kids, is not a valid parenting choice that should be respected and supported by the community. I'm boggled by the idea that "sheesh, what a world, we can't even yell at our kids anymore" here on MDC of all places.
> 
> Yelling happens. Kids falling down the stairs happens, too, and no one will judge you if your kid falls down the stairs. If your kid falls down the stairs more than once or twice? Yeah, there's a problem. Same thing for yelling- losing it on a really awful day? Understandable- we've all been there. Thinking your kid *needs* to be yelled at, yelling enough that the neighbors notice, yelling daily, yelling as your default? Time to re-examine your parenting tools.


I agree with this post. Part of what CPS does is look at cases where things like a child has been injured falling down stairs and figure out if there is an underlying parenting problem.

Living with a kid on the spectrum, I suspect that many spectrum kids do all things that *combined with something like a parent seeming out of control* could cause a CPS investigation. I would want to have my ducks in a row. I would want documentation about what professionals believe to be going on with my child and clear plan of what sort of therapies my child was getting.

I would not want to answer with "I have to yell because my child has special needs, but no, I've never bothered to talk to an expert about my child." That, to me, would seem to risk opening the door to a lot of intervention on the part of the state.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> The OPer seems to feel she HAS to yell because one of her kids has special needs. But when asked if he's had an eval and is receiving services, she remained silent.
> 
> ...


In any case, if OP hasn't had an evaluation, then maybe that's a step she should take, just in case CPS does become involved. That still doesn't mean the self-righteous busybody who gave her the letter in the first place are trying to help.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Haha....that nosy, cowardly neighbor of yours should be glad she doesn't live next to me! For that matter, I guess it's pretty nice of me to live in the middle of the woods where no one is around us!!

We yell CONSTANTLY in this house. Anyone walking by here, would probably think there was some crazy circus family living here. Between the four dogs and the crazy kids who run wild in and out of the house and my DH who is always off daydreaming somewhere...I'm yelling all. day. long.

But it's because I'm ***ALWAYS*** in the kitchen, busy, and the kids are ALWAYS either outside or on the other side of the house. So I'm constantly sticking my head out the window and yelling things out to the edge of the woods, where I can see them playing "Oh I KNOW you aren't trying to swing that rake around!!" or "You better not let that dog run off with the cheese, there's no more!!" or yelling out across the house "I hear you playing with the vacuum...you better knock it off kids!" - and they always yell back "Okay mama!" Or "mama mama mama CAN WE HAVE MORE CHEESE!!!" - we're loud people. They play LOUD games with each other, wild make believe dragon fights, etc...and I let them. I let them yell and be loud...because it's fun for them. We have quiet times..the evening time is really peaceful in my house...by during the day, from sun up until 5 or so in the evening, it is LOUD here.

...and if some nosy punk were to pass by, they might imagine that I was "Angry Yelling" at my kids...when in fact, I rarely do that. I do lose my temper sometimes, everyone does...and I don't feel bad about it. My kids have never even ONE time been scared of me. This is a loving and harmonious household. I'm not yelling at them, I'm talking to them....at a yelling volume....and they're doing the same back. They don't do it to other people, they are well behaved and speak with indoor voices when we go to other places....but the nature of our lifestyle at home is such, that yelling is an acceptable form of communication.

I find it deeply disturbing that anyone here would support CPS being called on a mother who yells at her kids. I do not believe that ACTUAL "Angry Yelling" is a GOOD parenting choice...but it is not worthy of a call to CPS, IMO.

(And this coming from someone who was yelled at viciously by an angry, scary mama as a kid...who was hit a lot and had things thrown at her and was actually emotionally abused in her childhood by a way overwhelmed mother.....so yeah, I DO get how bad it can be. But someone passing by on the street has NO idea what is really going on in the house and if "yelling" is the only "evidence" of bad parenting you have, you need to keep your nosy little self out of other peoples business and not invite the hell of CPS into their lives)

OP, the letter you got might make me move. I don't know that I could tolerate living in a neighborhood where I was being monitored by my neighbors in that fashion. I would NEVER ever be mad at a neighbor for coming to me personally and saying something to me about my yelling...but an anonymous note!? That would have me so mad and on edge....AHHHH!


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## rachieface (Mar 26, 2010)

Eeeek. Sorry for the not-so-nice letter, OP, and sorry that things can be hard as a single mom. However, I agree with ErinYay. This letter, though mean, could be a great impetus for determining if you really do yell unnecessarily, and what you could do to stop. In every piece of negative, yucky criticism I receive, I try to find out if there is truth behind the ugliness. Because sometimes people aren't so great at truth-telling in a nice way.

FWIW, I feel for you. But this subject is close to my heart; my parents both spanked and yelled, and the yelling has been FAR more damaging to my relationship with them than the spanking.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rachieface*
> 
> Eeeek. Sorry for the not-so-nice letter, OP, and sorry that things can be hard as a single mom. However, I agree with ErinYay. This letter, though mean, could be a great impetus for determining if you really do yell unnecessarily, and what you could do to stop. In every piece of *negative, yucky criticism* I receive, I try to find out if there is truth behind the ugliness. Because sometimes people aren't so great at truth-telling in a nice way.
> 
> FWIW, I feel for you. But this subject is close to my heart; my parents both spanked and yelled, and the yelling has been FAR more damaging to my relationship with them than the spanking.


This wasn't "negative, yucky criticism". This was a direct threat. Maybe OP does yell too much. None of us know that. I just haven't seen anything in this thread to suggest that she does. A nasty letter from an anonymous source wouldn't even make me think twice about my parenting (and I second-guess myself constantly). I always consider the source, and when the source is a gutless, anonymous maker of threats, what they have to say doesn't mean much.

People like the one(s) who left the OP that note are the source of a lot of problems, for a lot of people. The only possible result of a note like that is to add more stress to someone's life, and if the busybody thinks she yells at her children too much, adding more stress isn't going to be helpful.

I'm actually feeling really discouraged by the fact that a significant number of people on this thread seem to be assuming that OP does yell at her kids all the time, just because she received a nasty note to that effect. That old saying about "where there's smoke, there's fire" is wildly inaccurate, and an anonymous accusation is hardly proof of guilt. Frankly, the phrasing of that note comes across to me as an all out attempt to make OP feel like crap, and I see no evidence of real concern anywhere in it.


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## Mom31 (Jun 11, 2011)

I have found being a single mom opens you up for so much more criticism and interference from others. Its maddening.


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## contactmaya (Feb 21, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Emilie2*
> 
> I have found being a single mom opens you up for so much more criticism and interference from others. Its maddening.


Exactly.

Not to mention, there are some people have nothing better to do than sending threatening letters to neighbors. If they were really so concerned, then drop by and offer to help. Sometimes parents shout. Parenting can be hard. Im sorry you have to go through this OP.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> You make some good points, except that I don't see anything in any of OP's posts to suggest that there's an issue with her children thinking she yells too much. (I'm not saying they don't think that - just don't see anything in the posts to suggest it.)
> 
> And, I can't imagine how anybody, in any circumstances, could think that dropping an anonymous "we'll sic CPS on you" letter in someone's mailbox on Christmas Eve would help the mom/family in question. Can you explain why you think this might be an attempt to help, because I can't see it at all. It's a threat, pure and simple. Threats aren't attempts to help...anonymous threats are even less likely to be such an attempt.


Until recently I wouldn't have thought that my dd thinks I am yelling much and my posts certainly tend to reflect that, but my dd did think that and if the op thinks the step-mother is involved with the letter then she is probably getting the information about that from the kids.

I don't think the timing or the tone of the letter were necessarily the best, but people pointing out how much my mother yelled to her and the effects it had on me and my brother really was helpful to her as a parent and she did use it to change. I have also had parenting things pointed out to me that hurt to hear at first but that do help me to change how I parent and it is that that I find helpful. Even a negative letter at a bad time can be a good thing in the long run if you can use it to make a change that helps your kids feel more comfortable.

I can see this letter as both a threat and a well intentioned but poorly written letter to motivate a parent to think about what they are doing and make a change quickly. I know people who don't think very far beyond the black and white and can see them saying or writing something like this meaning only to be helpful to my child, especially when they are extremely concerned and mail the letter without waiting a few days to see if they truly want to send something with that tone. I have also known people who would go so far as to call CPS for little things or to cause trouble, but they wouldn't warn the person they are making trouble for first. The warning is really what makes me think that somebody without much tact is trying to be helpful in a very tactless way. Even if I am way off base though I think that there can still be positive found even in this negative situation, but I am generally an annoying optimist so that may be why.


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## jes h (Jan 25, 2011)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EarthRootsStarSoul*
> 
> My younger son (4) has sensory issues and probably Asperger's, so he hates transitions and throws epic tantrums quite often. My older son (7) gets provoked by his drama and they end up screaming at each other. Then I have to be the referee and split them up and send them to different rooms. It probably sounds way worse than it is. I know exactly what is going on with both of them and work hard to be calm and strong and set a good example. ...


People who don't interact with kids with sensory disabilities on a regular basis don't get how quickly situations can escalate, and think something much more, for lack of a better word, scary, is going on. As a SpEd teacher, I try really hard when I see parents in public places who are clearly struggling with their kids to make sure I 1. don't make negative assumptions, and 2. offer help if it is appropriate. Sounds like you are working hard with your boys to develop skills to handle these situations- I would hope your neighbors would be understanding (but I know our own curmundgeon neighbors wouldn't...)


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *One_Girl*
> 
> Until recently I wouldn't have thought that my dd thinks I am yelling much and my posts certainly tend to reflect that, but my dd did think that and if the op thinks the step-mother is involved with the letter then she is probably getting the information about that from the kids.
> 
> ...


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I say probably there because I don't like to make blanket statements that only have one point of view because it is close-minded, cuts off any discussion, and would be very arrogant in this case since I don't know all that is going on. I would reassess things if sent a letter like that because I tend to try to reflect on what I am doing as a parent and it would worry me to be perceived as negative. It could be that I reflect and find no reason to worry but I would at least reflect because my dd matters a lot to me and I don't think that all of my parenting choices are 100% wonderful at all times. I have fallen into negative cycles that I regret in the past I don't let any parenting criticism (even the ill tempered comments flung at me while fighting) go by without reflection and action where necessary, especially since it really isn't a frequent thing for me to receive.

Even if it turned out to be proven to be a malicious letter meant to only cause distress on a special day by someone I despise I would still view it as helpful because to me it would be a reminder to be mindful as a mother, something I always view as helpful because as a single mother I find it easy to get overwhelmed by dealing with the ups and downs of parenting alone. Also, as I mentioned before I tend towards optimism so it is hard for me not to find help and positive even in the worst things I have been through.

I am not interested in fighting or reading repetitions of the same theme anymore because I have better things to spend my time on so I won't be engaging in any more argument. You are free to your opinion and I am free to mine. I am sure the OP will take the opinions that resonate with her to heart and leave the rest whatever the opinion is.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *One_Girl*
> 
> I say probably there because I don't like to make blanket statements that only have one point of view because it is close-minded, cuts off any discussion, and would be very arrogant in this case since I don't know all that is going on.
> 
> ...


Fair enough. I'm not trying to argue, in any case. Nobody knows what's going on. I'm just more inclined to give the mom who gets the nasty letter on Christmas Eve the benefit of the doubt than I am to give the nasty letter writer the benefit of the doubt. You find value in anonymous accusations of bad parenting, and major, nasty threats. I don't. It's not an argument. It's simply a completely different baseline in how we assess value.

I have no desire to see every parent who yells disappear off the face of the earth. I'd be more than happy to see every single person who has ever sent a note like the one the OP received vanish from the face of the earth. You obviously see things differently. There's no argument - just a different baseline. I was just trying to understand how anyone could see this as anything but nasty and threatening, and where people are seeing an attempt to help. I don't see it, even a little bit.

Sure - OP can probably take something positive out of it, even if it's just learning not to trust neighbour who can't be trusted (if that's where it came from). One can get something positive out of almost anything.


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## Cherry_Blossom (Nov 7, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *ErinYay*
> 
> I'm sorry, but yelling at your kids, even (*especially*) special needs kids, is not a valid parenting choice that should be respected and supported by the community. I'm boggled by the idea that "sheesh, what a world, we can't even yell at our kids anymore" here on MDC of all places.


Wow, that is way offensive. Where did I or anyone write anything like that???


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## Cherry_Blossom (Nov 7, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *One_Girl*
> 
> That sounds like a tough letter to receive. Once you move past the hurt this letter caused, I suggest that you try to view the letter as someone trying to help you instead of hurt you though. Either you are perceived as yelling a lot by neighbors passing by or by children talking to their step-mom about their perspective and that is something you may want to explore more and try to problem solve.
> 
> It may be a simple matter of your children interpreting your emotions incorrectly and labeling the slightest irritations as yelling also, which is something you should explore if you think the letter came from their step-mom.


I am entertaining the possibility that this letter is truthfully from someone who walked past my house and heard yelling. I am more careful to keep my volume down. Thanks. My children are NOT the people who think I'm yelling. I don't know where you came up with that. They dislike their step-mom and beg me to just live at my house. I even asked them if they think I yell too much and they said no. I told them if they ever think I'm yelling, they can ask me to use my inside voice and they thought that was pretty funny.


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## Cherry_Blossom (Nov 7, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> The OPer seems to feel she HAS to yell because one of her kids has special needs. But when asked if he's had an eval and is receiving services, she remained silent.
> 
> ...


I've suspected DS was on the spectrum since he was 12 months old and still not pointing, among other red flags. The pediatrician wouldn't do anything about it. He failed the MCHAT at 18 months and we had a screening done by early intervention but they didn't see anything wrong. He passed the MCHAT at 24 months and the pediatrician was like, "see, he's fine." This was all going on during the tumultuous period of getting divorced and his dad was majorly flipping out and was scaring the (bleep) out of me. He was stalking me, borrowed a gun, slandering my name all over town and it worked I lost 99% of my friends. He falsely accused me of child abuse (he admitted that he made it all up). Because I'm on the spectrum and he doesn't think I am capable of taking care of the kids, even though he knows perfectly well in his heart of hearts that I am great with the kids. He just wanted to 'win'. What else? He tried to have our five year old circumcised behind my back just to hurt me. I went to the police about the stalking and harassment, but they couldn't do anything, then they talked to my ex and he sweet talked them into thinking I was just a crazy-(bleep). And they believed him, because when I went to get a copy of the police report they gave me dirty looks and the write-up was extremely slanted against me. See my ex is a 'pillar of the community' and a 'man of God', and pretty much has this whole town eating out of his hand. He is a psychopathic con-artist.

The thing he HATES about me is that I'm on the spectrum. He cannot stand the thought that what he hates about me is living in his son. That is a bitter pill to swallow. All of the threats and crazy that he put me through was to get me to shut up about autism. He already accused me of Muncheusen by proxy (or however you spell it). I can do nothing. My hands are tied to get help for my son until someone else is strong enough to see it. The pediatrician will have to see it. A teacher will have to suggest an evaluation. He is having behavior problems at 4K like wandering off, not following the group, not listening, not remembering daily responsibilities, but his teacher is falling short of actually suggesting an evaluation or mentioning the autism spectrum. I already know that if I do ANYTHING, I will be accused of doctor-shopping or diagnosis-shopping. So there.


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## Cherry_Blossom (Nov 7, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Storm Bride*
> 
> This wasn't "negative, yucky criticism". This was a direct threat. Maybe OP does yell too much. None of us know that. I just haven't seen anything in this thread to suggest that she does. A nasty letter from an anonymous source wouldn't even make me think twice about my parenting (and I second-guess myself constantly). I always consider the source, and when the source is a gutless, anonymous maker of threats, what they have to say doesn't mean much.
> 
> ...


Thank you! All of my closest IRL friends immediately assumed the letter was from the step-mom because they know she has been harassing me lately.


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## BroodyWoodsgal (Jan 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EarthRootsStarSoul*
> 
> Thank you! All of my closest IRL friends immediately assumed the letter was from the step-mom because they know she has been harassing me lately.


Dude you've been through enough, let some of the comments on this thread just slide right off of you. I think it's hard for people to really "get" your exact situation without being there and I think everyone seriously means well.

Like I said, if somebody was walking by my house on any day of the week, they might think there was *actual* murder happening inside...what with the ear shattering screaming, the dogs going nuts and the loud world music we play and me, shouting over it to some kid who is about to use a guitar as a hammer or something crazy like that. But if the nosy neighbor looked in the window, they would see an insane pack of dogs running wild and happy kids jumping, playing and causing chaos - while a stressed out mama with knots ("pretty braids") in her hair, three day old PJs on, bread crumbs on her chin and empty, crazy eyes quickly obeyed the shouts of "MORE FOOD, MORE FOOD HAHAHAHAH!" - I'm telling you, my house can be so chaotic....but every creature here is very well loved and knows it.

I bet you it was the step mom, but please do be careful...it could have been some busy-body. butthead of a neighbor and I would hate for them to make good on their threat, given what you've said about your Ex...please, dear dear woman, do NOT give this man the hand-wrapped, shiny bow topped gift of a CPS investigation into your parenting. OH MY GOSH!! UGH!

Good luck. I'm so sorry for everything this dude has put you through and for the failure of the officials and teachers in your life to do their jobs properly.


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## Heavenly (Nov 21, 2001)

Wow! That is scary! I would definitely make sure to not yell at all so as not to fuel the fire at all. I would maybe even call some services (not CPS) to show that I am seeking help in case it does get to CPS level. 2 of my 3 kids are special needs. My oldest has bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, ADHD, and multiple learning disabilities and my youngest will be assessed as soon as we can get in for similar issues. On any given day I'm sure someone could think a CAS call was in order if they heard the stuff she comes out with. Today we were at the mall (me and the 3 kids) and she was being ornery and misbehaving and just kept acting worse and worse. I just needed to grab some dish detergent so we headed to that section and she starts screaming and throwing a fit. No one else was in the aisle with us. All of a sudden she slaps herself in the face and starts screaming that I slapped her!! She kept screaming that all the way to the check out - that I slapped her in the face and that the police were going to take me away and that everybody hates her and so on and on. My 9 year old was freaking out trying to get her to stop screaming and when she saw some woman staring at us (Ellie had a mark on her face from slapping herself!) she turned to the woman and said, "My mother did not hit my sister, she did it herself because she has special needs and doesn't understand." Thankfully no one got the police involved! People just don't understand how hard it is with special needs kids and it can sound a LOT worse than it actually is!


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## Altair (May 1, 2005)

You don't need any pediatrician's or teacher's permission to get an eval. 4 years old is an important time for kids with asds to be getting services, because socially things will keep getting trickier and trickier and they fall further behind. OT sounds like it could be incredibly helpful in terms of tantruming and feeling overwhelmed.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *EarthRootsStarSoul*
> 
> WHAT??? Linda, seriously. I always enjoy reading your posts on MDC, but this is quite a low blow.
> 
> .....This was all going on during the tumultuous period of getting divorced and his dad was majorly flipping out and was scaring the (bleep) out of me. He was stalking me, borrowed a gun, slandering my name all over town and it worked I lost 99% of my friends. He falsely accused me of child abuse (he admitted that he made it all up). Because I'm on the spectrum and he doesn't think I am capable of taking care of the kids, even though he knows perfectly well in his heart of hearts that I am great with the kids.


I'm sorry that my post came across the way it did. I didn't mean to insult your parenting (which I really don't know anything about) but rather to point out how things could come across to a CPS investigator. A lot of what they do is make suggestions about what families need to do to keep their kids, and then follow up to make sure that the families are doing them (at least here). Reading this thread, I can easily see how they could feel that you needed a parental "to do" list with legal follow up.

Your response actually raises more flags -- even the fact that a woman has been in an abusive/controlling relationship raises flags with some CPS investigators, and all the issues with your ex could seriously blow up in your face. This is really a lot more than "neighbor wrote nasty letter about me yelling." I seriously doubt that CPS would bother to investigate a report of a parent yelling, but you have a lot more stuff going on, including previous allegations of abuse.

What I was trying to say is that I think it would be a good idea to start covering your a$$. May be start a thread in special needs about how to do that, or in the blended family forum. Your situation is complex. I didn't mean to sound like I was blaming you for the situation, just that I think that staying stuck at venting is most likely not the best option. I honestly think taking action could be helpful to you and your kids in the long run.

Because "I really feel my son needs an eval but his father won't let me get him an eval" sounds like an invitation for the courts to take over the situation, and I doubt that is what you want.

(I would start with a meeting with his teacher and talk honestly about your concerns and ask for her help, and I would also check into parenting classes through a children's hospital or other organization, mostly because I think that would look good to an outsider)

But none of this is about how you are actually parenting right now, rather, it's about how it *looks* to others, esp. CPS.

I'm very sorry that you are going through this, and I'm sorry that my post came across as a blow.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

I think threatening to call someone over yelling is almost never appropriate. It is not CPS worthy, and as such is a hollow threat.

To those who were hurt by their parents yelling, I hear you.

I do not think all yelling is the same, however.

Me raising my voice ( and saying : put the milk away - it will go bad if you do not!) because I have told my perfectly capable teens to cleanup their "snack" 3 times nicely, is very different than screaming obscenities at someone, or using your size and voice to intimidate a small child, yk?

I got the impression from the OP that she was yelling out of chaos and frustration (get down from the chandelier!) not name-calling or causing her kids to cower in the corner.

Hugs on everything else - it seems so complicated! If what you want (say an evaluation) is what CPS or the courts would want - do it. At the end of the day - do what is best for your kids despite the ex and his drama - you are their mom and it is your job. I am not saying you are not doing this, just putting it out there in case fear is making you parent out of fear.


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## minkin03 (May 28, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> The OPer seems to feel she HAS to yell because one of her kids has special needs. But when asked if he's had an eval and is receiving services, she remained silent.
> 
> I think there are a couple of things here that could cause her problems. Her child *may* show behaviors that can be misconstrued as being caused by bad parenting, either to a neighbor or a CPS worker. (I know my spectrum kiddo has from time to time). These behaviors *could* make CPS involvement more likely.


I read it differently, as her child has sensory problems and possibly aspergers and the kids scream at each other when they fight, not her screaming at the kid b/c he has special needs. If that is the case, I can totally relate with a 6 year old who is spirited and short-tempered and.... who knows.... maybe is somewhere on the spectrum or has sensory problems...and boy is she a screamer. Up until last year we lived in a neighborhood where the houses are really close together and they could ALWAYS hear her screaming when something would upset her or wouldn't go her way (literally a drop of a hat). Luckily for me, my neighbors and I were very close (they were like family to me) and they knew my dd and how she is so it was more of a running joke. (FWIW she's been like this since the day she was born... she came out irritable and the nurses claimed it was the pain medicine I had during labor.... she also pitched an instant fit when she couldn't coordinate her suck at just minutes old). Anyhoo the problem now is we live in a new neighborhood and I cringe when she screams wondering what our neighbors (who I really don't know well at all yet) must think.


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## Mom31 (Jun 11, 2011)

I will never forget my dd being about 2 when she got mad cause I would not let her eat soup cold.... out of a can. I insisted on warming it up. She screamed and screamed and a neighbor came over and wanted to see her to make sure she was ok. Oh the joys of being a single mom.


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## cat13 (Dec 8, 2010)

I just came across this post and don't really have anything further to add except







to the OP. It seems like you XH is more interested in getting revenge than raising his children in a happy, healthy way. I wish you the best of luck!


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