# Is it appropriate to bring a baby to a funeral?



## ILoveSweetpea (Jan 7, 2009)

Sadly, one of my DH's childhood friends passed away this week. We are debating if all of us will go to the funeral, or if DH will travel alone to the funeral (it is out of state). I'd love to be there as a support for DH, but if I go that means the baby goes. As there is no one we would be comfortable using as a baby sitter in this town, it would mean the baby would also go to the funeral. But I could also wait in the car, and wouldn't mind if that is what is most appropriate ... I'd love to hear all perspectives on this!!

The one time I thought it was truly inappropriate for a baby to be at a funeral was when my cousin's baby died during childbirth. My brother and SIL brought their baby to the funeral, and I was so horrified. Maybe I was being overly sensitive... but it seemed inappropriate. The absolute worst moment was when my little baby nephew started crying! It seemed like it took them FOREVER to get him out of the sanctuary. I'll never forget that pained and tearful look on the faces of my cousins and aunt when they turned around after hearing my nephew cry. It was horrible. I wanted to get up, take my nephew, and go comfort him outside! I didn't know my brother was showing up with the baby until they were already there... Again, maybe I am being overly sensitive, but it just seemed so cruel to bring a baby to a baby's funeral. (Hope this didn't offend anyone.)

Sorry to get semi-sidetracked. Again, I'd love to hear your opinions on bringing a baby to a funeral. This is for an adult (about 40) - he didn't have any children and I suspect it will be a small group attending the funeral. Thanks.


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## Mrs-Mama (Jul 2, 2007)

I brought DD to my uncle's funeral when she was 3 weeks old. My uncle was 57 and his death was sudden, though not completely unexpected. Anyway, I brought her and no one was uncomfortable with it.


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## karika (Nov 4, 2005)

i think it sounds ok. and if it feels weird, just go outside as you planned. i dont know if maybe you are supposed to ask the mother of the deceased (if your dh is close to her, but maybe she is too upset right now, unless it was an expected death, then she may be calm enough), but i wouldnt think it would upset her, more like affirmation of life? but i second you on the no children at a childs funeral. i was so deep in grief and pain and emptiness and someone brought children to my son's funeral. It hurt to see them. it was over a year before i wanted to be around children again, and even then it was very limited.


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## pbjmama (Sep 20, 2007)

How old is your baby?


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## BaBaBa (Jun 30, 2007)

I don't see any reason why it would be inappropriate.
I took DD to DH's grandmother's funeral. I was actually a pallbearer. DD was almost one and wore her in a sling.
I really felt that people were happy to see a baby but maybe that is because so many people were older.
Maybe a baby reminds us of the cycle of life?
DD was definitely a welcome distraction for my MIL and her sisters.

One really weird thing was that once the casket was lowered into the ground and we walked away DD waved goodbye to the casket. There was no one else there we were the last to leave?

But go with your gut.


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## bdoody11 (Aug 16, 2005)

Someone brought a 3 or 4 month old to my grandmother's funeral recently and I, of course, brought my two year old. It was fine and, of course, the baby was much better behaved than DD









The couple just sat in the back and when the baby was hungry the father took him out and gave him a bottle. It was no big deal and I think you should have no issues about going.


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## ILoveSweetpea (Jan 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BaBaBa* 

One really weird thing was that once the casket was lowered into the ground and we walked away DD waved goodbye to the casket. There was no one else there we were the last to leave?

Ooo... that gave me goosebumps!

My DS is 6.5 months... almost 7 months. The death was sort of sudden. What happened was he had open heart surgery, and never came through it. So he was on life-support for about a week before they decided to pull the plug.

DH doesn't know his mom that well, other than from seeing her many times as a kid. My heart really breaks for her. She lost her husband earlier this year too.

karika - thanks for sharing your viewpoint. I am so sorry that someone was so insensitive as to bring a child to your child's funeral. I know my cousins, aunt and uncle ALL had a hard time even seeing babies after they lost their little one. They didn't want to even look at pictures of my nephew, which again just tells me that it was a horrible error in judgement on the part of my brother and SIL to bring him to the funeral. (My mom said they debated it and decided that since they were a family they would go to the funeral as a family. I have never confronted them on this issue because I didn't see the point of creating drama...)


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## Murph12334 (Nov 12, 2003)

my grandfather passed away just a day after my dd was born. I took her to the showing and funeral. My grandmother loved having her there. And I was breastfeeding and a new mom, so she was coming regardless.
During the actual service MIL (who stayed with us a week after dd was born) took dd downstairs to a quiet place and took care of her. If dd were to have acted hungry or anything she would have come and got me.

It worked out good for us. Had mil not been there i would have just brought her with me and sent dh out with dd into the hall if she started to cry.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

To me kids need to go to funerals to learn. Babies go where ever mom goes period. I have never been to a funeral that kids/babies where not present.

I have bfed both my kids at funerals even.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

When my grandmother died two years ago (my DD was 1), my mother looked me in the eye and told me very firmly "babies belong at funerals."

Indeed, we live in a circle of life (and death). My daughter is born, we take care of her as she grows stronger and more independent. My grandmother grows old and needs help in her last years, and dies.

Babies are part of the family, the community. It's only appropriate that they are at funerals.


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## Baby_Cakes (Jan 14, 2008)

I brought my then 1 month old to DH's grandmother's funeral. We also went to the wake (both of them), to the church (although we stayed in the soundproof room off to the side where ppl stay with their kids), and to the grave site. I really wanted to be there for myself, for DH, and for MIL, and that meant that Nora was there, too.

I have to say that she brought a smile to people's faces even though they were grieving. Everyone was happy to see her and us. It lightened a very somber occasion.

I too think it was probably bad judgement for your brother to bring the baby to your cousin's baby's funeral. Obviously not intentional, but just bad judgement.


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## Kappa (Oct 15, 2007)

I have brought my baby to his grandmother's funeral. I think babies at funerals are fine. I have a problem with people bringing their small children to funerals and refuse to insist that they sit and be reasonably quiet. I've chased my 3 year old cousin down the aisle at my great uncle's funeral with my aunt looking on like "Better you than me! Good luck trying to keep that wild child quiet!" I think there is an out-of-lap older age (maybe 1-4?)where the child should not attend unless the parent is fairly confident they will behave appropriately for a somber event OR be willing to leave if/when it gets out of control.


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## Nautical (Mar 4, 2008)

I think it is fine to bring a baby to a funeral. In fact when my grandfather was dying and after he passed, our LO offered some happiness on a sad occasion. Everyone enjoyed having her around.


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## eli's mama (Jan 8, 2005)

Something similar happened when ds1 was just a babe, I went to the funeral and then decided to wait in the car and sent DH in alone. I did that mostly because by the time we got there ds was fussy and wanted to nurse and i didn't want to walk in mid-service.


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## Murph12334 (Nov 12, 2003)

Oh I remember some thinking I was crazy for going to a funeral a mere 2 or 3 days after having my daughter. But it was my grandfather. To me the funeral gives closure and I wanted to have that. It would have been harder on me had I not been there.

Do what you feel is best for you. But I know many people don;t even bat an eye at having a child at a funeral.


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## LadyCatherine185 (Aug 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 

Babies are part of the family, the community. It's only appropriate that they are at funerals.









:


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## kalamos23 (Apr 11, 2008)

I think it's totally fine to bring babies to funerals with one exception and that is to another baby's funeral - then you should definitely ask someone close to the bereaved family if it's okay. Sometimes they may want to hold another baby, sometimes that is the last thing on their mind.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Yes--unless the immediate family specifically request that you not bring children. Or, and I hadn't even thought anyone would do that*, it's a funeral for a baby.

Sit near a door and you should have no problems slipping out if there's a need.

*Mind you, maybe they talked with the bereaved parents and they said it was okay?


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

My friend brought her baby to my dad's funeral. I didn't even think anything of it, I was just happy to have her there.


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## ILoveSweetpea (Jan 7, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 

*Mind you, maybe they talked with the bereaved parents and they said it was okay?

I wish that were the case... but I know they didn't because they weren't/aren't especially close to this cousin.

My brother is a very sweet guy, very sensitive and supportive... so it was very surprising to me that he would be so insensitive in this situation. I am sure he had the best intentions, but just utterly crappy judgement in this case. This happened 4 years ago, and it still bothers me today to even think about it.


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## HarperRose (Feb 22, 2007)

We brought our then-4 mo old to a dear friend's funeral last year. He was not the only baby. There was a toddler (who was quite noisy and parents wouldn't take him out) and an 8-day-old as well as other children, including the children of the deceased.

At my mil's funeral 3.5 mos ago we had our 13 mo old (now 16 mos) and another family brought their 2 yr old. It was small, quiet, and the little ones did great.


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## jeliphish (Jul 18, 2007)

I think it would be fine....the only time I would hesitate would be to bring a baby to another baby's funeral. I've seen it done several times and it was just heart wrenching.


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## Katielady (Nov 3, 2006)

Another vote for it being OK unless the family has said something about not wanting kids/babies. When my 36-year-old cousin tragically passed away a few months ago, I opted to bring my 10-week-old baby to the funeral and have my husband stay at the hotel with our 2.5 year-old. I figured the nursing baby needed to be with me, but that my son wouldn't be able to sit through the service and would be distracting to the grieving family. I was *extremely* careful to make sure my baby wasn't distracting, too. She was asleep when we came in, and the moment she woke and started to fuss I walked her to the back and nursed (she is a noisy nurser).

I brought her to the wake too, and people really appreciated having her there. There was a lot of talk like, "It's all about life," and people said her sweet face and big cheeks brought them joy in all the darkness. Man, I love that branch of my family.

Anyway, I say bring a nursing babe but be as quiet and invisible as possible. I think babies should usually be seen *and* heard, but this is one exception.


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## charleysmama23 (Sep 28, 2008)

We brought our dd to a funeral of a wonderful woman from our church recently. She was about 7 months old, and actually dh ended up standing outside the sanctuary with her for most of the service because it was so beautiful and solemn and of course dd was all "ba ba ba, da da da" and squealing and laughing, I thought her insane happiness was a little distracting so dh just took her outside and it was fine. I say if it's important to you to support your dh, you'll figure out a way to make it work.


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## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
To me kids need to go to funerals to learn. Babies go where ever mom goes period. I have never been to a funeral that kids/babies where not present.

I have bfed both my kids at funerals even.









:

There were children at our daughters memorial and I was glad. Actually my friend brought her 3 year old and on the way they had a long discussion about how my baby had died and that meant her body was no longer here on earth, etc trying to explain death to a 3 year old, her mom also had told her not to ask me about my baby because I might get really sad. The first thing out of my friends daughters mouth when she saw me was "Where's your baby?" I of course cried and then I knelt down and smiled and told her that Sonja couldn't stay on earth with me but I will hold her memory in my heart. I am not sure if it made sense to her but she said "Oh, are you sad? I said yes and she said "you need a hug" I of course took that hug that was so sweet and innocent and heartfelt. It was one of the most beautiful moments of the day.

I had people stay away because they had babies and that hurt me more.

Just a different way of thinking I suppose.


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## Delicateflower (Feb 1, 2009)

Yes, appropriate unless it's the death of a baby.


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## KristyDi (Jun 5, 2007)

I took dd to a viewing (my great uncle's) when she was about 8 weeks old. No one was bothered, and several people seemed glad she was there. I think it would be fine as long as you make sure you can make a quick escape if your LO gets disruptive.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ILoveSweetpea* 
The one time I thought it was truly inappropriate for a baby to be at a funeral was when my cousin's baby died during childbirth. My brother and SIL brought their baby to the funeral, and I was so horrified. Maybe I was being overly sensitive... but it seemed inappropriate. The absolute worst moment was when my little baby nephew started crying! It seemed like it took them FOREVER to get him out of the sanctuary. I'll never forget that pained and tearful look on the faces of my cousins and aunt when they turned around after hearing my nephew cry. It was horrible. I wanted to get up, take my nephew, and go comfort him outside! I didn't know my brother was showing up with the baby until they were already there... Again, maybe I am being overly sensitive, but it just seemed so cruel to bring a baby to a baby's funeral. (Hope this didn't offend anyone.)

Sorry to get semi-sidetracked. Again, I'd love to hear your opinions on bringing a baby to a funeral. This is for an adult (about 40) - he didn't have any children and I suspect it will be a small group attending the funeral. Thanks.


I agree. Earlier this year I skipped the funeral of a friend's infant because I couldn't arrange for someone to keep dd who was 10 months old at the time. I felt really bad that I missed it, but I think taking dd would have been so cruel.


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## amberg007 (Jul 15, 2008)

we brought our Dd to my uncle's funeral last month. It was not a problem. In fact, I think her presence helped to momentarily alleviate some of the grief, especially for my Aunt, who had lost her husband unexpectedly. I guess it may be situation dependent.


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## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

Of course that's fine.
Kids of all ages belongs in funerals if they know the person, and babys sometimes have to go where the parents go.


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## Tiffany_PartyOf7 (Mar 1, 2009)

I think it's fine so long as it isn't a baby or small childs funeral. My children have unfortunately been to too many funerals to count LOL - my aunts, my grandmas, my uncles, my dads.... At all except my dads, I just sat in the back so I could exit fast if I needed to - at my dads I sat up front with my mom and husband - if my baby cried, my husband would have taken him out as I was NOT leaving LOLOL. But my dad wouldn't have cared either way LOL. In fact, he would have thought it was funny. I wouldn't have any issues bringing a baby to a funeral of an adult.

Come to think of it, a friend of mine died in 2006 - unexpected motorcycle accident. I took all of my kids at the time. He was 19 though. His parents were my parents best friends and we were raised together -they said it was comforting to see my kids. Although the place was so packed with friends that they had to leave all of the doors to the chapel open and people were standing outside and all free space inside the funeral home.


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## anj7 (Jul 7, 2007)

I brought my children to my parents funeral and didn't think twice about it. There were 2 other children in attendance.

My best friends lost their newborn DD1, no one brought a child to that funeral.


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## Tizzy (Mar 16, 2007)

I'm afraid I wouldn't think twice about taking a baby to a funeral, especially a nursling. I take them to church, and everywhere else with me.
Of course you have to take them out if they start to fuss, just out of respect for the service.


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## MamaJenese (Aug 14, 2006)

When DH's Grandmother died I brought DS who was 7 months old to the funeral. He nursed all through church and then we stayed in the car playing at the cemetary because it was raining. I did not bring him tothe wake becaue it was in the evening his cranky time and my parents lived down the street from the funeral home. My mother passed when DS was 2.5 years and DD was 4 weeks. I left my DS with My SIL because he was at the age that would have been a nightmare at the funeral home or church, I did bring him to the luncheon afterward. DD was with me the whole time. I say bring the baby.


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## blind_otter (Sep 22, 2008)

My best friend's mother passed away in December of last year after a long and painful few years of early onset Alzheimer's disease. My friend cared for her mother part of this time, but it became too difficult because her mother was violent in her dementia and would hit and slap her and pull her hair and throw things at her.

My best friend (of 20 years) is quite close to DS and he loves her. But he is still much too young to even understand that a funeral is taking place. At that point he was only 5 months old!

I chose NOT to bring DS to my best friend's mother's funeral. I was there for her to lean on, I was by her side the whole time holding her hand and comforting her, whispering ocassional words of support.

If it had been someone else and I wasn't SO needed, I probably would have brought DS. But I know that I am always distracted when he is with me and I can never be 100% present and focused on anyone else's needs, so I left him with DP for 2 hours and I went to mass alone. I was glad, in the end, because she was beside herself and needed me just to be there for her at that point.

Just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.


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