# Continuum Concept and How to STARTit with a toddler



## WithHannahsHeart (Apr 22, 2003)

The discussion of the continuum concept in the 'stop time outs' thread really really made me stop in my tracks. The whole idea and way of life just really reasonates with me. It seems like the best possible way to live, really. Not to say that we will/should do everything the way the Yequana did, and it may indeed not be entirely possible to hold baby 24/7, but to do that as much as possible seems just, right.

My dd is now 2 years old. She was held/slung a great deal as a baby, but exhibited the desire to be 'down' doing stuff very young. Even still, i know as a young baby i was always struggling, as a new mother, to DO stuff while meeting her need for contact. I just wasn't 'good' at it, largely in part to notions that i had that i must put her down. She still needs held a lot, and i try to as much as possible, but often i cant. It saddens me to think that maybe she needs extra holding now because i didn't/couldn't/wouldn't do it enough then. In any case, dd certainly has not been parented in the continuum fashion, and can certainly be a little tyrant. I hate and despise it with my whole heart, and want very much for her to be a child that can flow with the family and not be the center focus. I get so g=damned tired of trying to appease her and figure out what she wants

I know that i am deliberately NOT trying to do all for her lately. Also, i have found to my utter amazement that when i tell her i am going to be doing stuff and she needs to play or do xyz while i'm working, she DOES it or accompanies me around the house. She is the opposite of whiny when i do that, and we are SOOO much happier when i am not always forcing myself to play with her; i do not find that baby/toddler play comes naturally to me in the slightest.

So, how to sort of de-program her, if you will? I can't go back in time and have her in arms more, but what can i do to reverse the trend for her to be the princess on teh throne always demanding and throwing fits (tho i must say she generally only really throws them when extremely tired, not all day long). I KNOW that i will be doing things more positively with the next child. Live and learn







!


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## MisfitMama (Sep 4, 2003)

As far as the in-arms thing, you can still carry her as much as she likes, now, and I think that would help. You can also co-sleep/be in bodily contact with her at night.

Don't beat yourself up! She's still young - many, many people don't read TCC until their babies are much older than yours. Don't worry - it can all be much improved.

FYI- there is a Continuum Concept thread in the "Find Your Tribe" section that is going quite nicely! You might find support there.

As far as her behavior, I am of the opinion that it's all about the parent, not about the child. You just have to change your way of relating with her. In my mind this mostly comes out of developing/renewing/maintaining a spiritual connection to your child. This is such a complex topic - I hope you will join us on the other thread if you don't get too many responses here. Also there is a forum on the CC website, which some people don't like because of the volume/format, but I find it indispensible in conjunction with the MDC boards!

I assume you already know about the CC website, but here's another one with some articles - I really recommend "The Healing Gap".

http://www.scottNoelle.com/

Good Luck!

MisfitMama


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Having projects that benefit the whole family, that you do together, might help to reduce the "tyrant" behavior--feeling that she can do valuable work may get her to focus more on the needs of the family than the needs/wants of herself.

My parents did a great job of getting us involved in family projects, so I'll give some example tasks, all from when I was under 6 and my brother was 2.5 years younger:
*washing fruits and veggies
*tearing lettuce for salad
*baking: measuring stuff, rolling dough in balls, frosting...
*shucking corn
*taking stems off tomatoes, strawberries, etc.
*sorting laundry into lights and darks; folding clean laundry
*dusting ("You do the low shelves, and I'll do the high shelves.")
*scrubbing bathtub, sink, countertop, wading pool...
*painting walls ("You can make designs in the first coat, but remember we will have to paint over them.")
*moving things out of the way as parent runs the vacuum
*buffing shoes after parent polishes them
*removing beetle grubs from the freshly-spaded garden
*picking up the sticks and fallen apples before parent mows the lawn
*helping wash car and bikes
*"You set the table while I cook the dinner."
*reading the numbers off the cancelled checks to help parent balance the checkbook
*washing windows--the best part was holding a screen (removed from the window) while a parent sprayed it w/the hose!








*looking thru the stash of empty plant pots for a bigger one to transplant each plant into; holding old pot steady as parent loosened plant w/trowel
*helping to unfurl garden hose across yard
*holding the lamp while parent worked under the car, behind an appliance, etc.
*shredding or crumpling paper for packing material
*sorting the stash of "empty containers for reuse"
*organizing canned food by type
*rinsing, pulling labels off, and stomping on cans to be recycled
*putting all the dirty towels in the laundry and clean towels on all the towel racks
*helping parent get the bedspread or tablecloth on straight (eliminates the annoyance of walking around the bed/table again and again!!)
*choosing tablecloth and napkins and making a centerpiece when guests are coming to dinner
*asking guests what they want to drink and relaying orders to the kitchen
*taking guests' coats to the bedroom
*picking up clutter, sorting it into a basket for each family member, and delivering baskets to people's rooms
*arranging flowers in vases
*pulling everything out of bottom of closet while parent pulls everything out of top, then helping to decide what to keep and how to organize it
*choosing clothes for vacation and laying them out on bed; parent then double-checks that everything is there and helps pack
*packing cat's food and dishes before a trip
*reloading diaper bag
*helping make parent's lunch for work: spreading the peanut butter, putting the carrot sticks in the bag...
*choosing Daddy's tie for church
*picking up trimmings after parent trims the hedge
*climbing thru window to let in family when locked out of house! I was so proud!!!









Oh, and here's a more elaborate but very cool example: When I was 4, my dad built a television from a kit. (That's his idea of fun.







) He had all these tiny parts set up on the table in the family room, including about a million resistors--those little brown cylinders w/colored stripes and a wire coming out of each end. I was fascinated. He could have fretted that I would grab some of them to play with and damage or lose them...but instead, he gave me the Very Important Job of sorting the resistors in order of their colored stripes! This was something he actually needed to have done (to make it easier to find the particular kind that went in each place) and it allowed me to "play" w/the resistors without losing track of their purpose. It also allowed me to spend the next 15 years saying that "we" built our TV!


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## StillForest (Nov 27, 2001)

Really enjoying this thread. I wanted to share a couple of articles from the CC site with you just in case you haven't seen them:

http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html
http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...ngHarmony.html

I found these very thought-provoking and helpful when DD and I were entering a similar transition. I had great difficulty transitioning from the "in arms" and "all wants are needs" stage of infancy to the setting of limits and new patterns of relationship that have been emerging as DD grows. I too felt as though I was confronted with a tyrant who wanted me to be constantly and totally absorbed in play with her.These articles really address the shift that occurs as children become toddlers and how to shift the dynamics of relationship away from a totally child-centered focus.

I began offering DD more and more opportunities to participate in my daily activities around the house---rather than becoming totally absorbed in her activities. She loves to help me cook, wash and fold laundry, wipe and clean etc... I feel as though I'm trying to integrate and balance the ideas from the continuum concept with time for play initiated by DD (also loved the book Playful Parenting). Kind of in a hurry now so hope that this makes sense.

EnviroBecca: I love reading your posts about your parents.
I visited your web site several months ago and your writings about your parents were so moving (moved me to tears actually...). I was raised in the consumate anti-attachment (repulsion?) family so just love reading about such healthy and loving parent-child relationships. Thank you for sharing about your childhood!


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