# The Death and Birth of Zejah Grace



## PiscesMama24 (Jul 2, 2007)

On Wednesday, February 3rd at 39 weeks 6 days, my baby girl died. I felt her moving around 7:30 in the morning and it was a few hours later that I realized she hadn't moved in awhile. I tried everything to wake her up but decided to go and and get checked, just in case. I was hoping she was just slowing down in preparation for labor. When my husband and I got there, the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat. They did an ultrasound which showed that our daughter had in fact died int he few hours since I had felt her moving.

I had been planning a VBAC, but felt like I just needed to get her out of me, and couldn't even begin to imagine how I would go through labor and birth her. Around 8:30 that night Zejah Grace was brought into this world. 7 lbs. 8 ounces and 21 inches long, with curly strawberry blond hair. She looked like an angel. We held her all night long and throughout most of the next day. Leaving her with the doctors when we left the hospital was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Words cannot describe how I am feeling right now. I guess I feel numb, lost, grief-stricken..and like I'm in a compelte haze. How do you get through this? Do you ever? I don't even know where to begin working through this pain. I just want my baby back! Why did this happen to us?! Part of me wants to try again right now for another child, even though I know that's not the right thing to do, and my body and soul need to heal. But...she was SO CLOSE ....if she had just hung on for one more day!

I can't believe this is happening....


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## Maluhia (Jun 24, 2007)




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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

OMG, PiscesMama... I am so, so sorry....

Words aren't enough... my heart is broken for you.








Zejah Grace


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. Peace and healing vibes being sent your way.


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## Maela (Apr 2, 2006)

I am so sorry.


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## Fujiko (Nov 11, 2006)

I am so, so sorry.















Zejah


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

I am so, so very sorry.







Zejah


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## Theia (Oct 30, 2007)

I am so sorry. I think that is a beautiful name for your sweet angel.








Zejah Grace


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry, mama. No one should ever have to go through this pain.







If you feel up to it and want to share your little girl, we would love to see pictures. Even though your Zejah isn't in your arms, it does not mean you aren't a proud mother.























Just know that you aren't alone, many of us have walked in your shoes. And it is a very lonely, painful place. I know it doesn't ease the pain but, for me after my dd was stillborn, it helped to know I wasn't alone.

Zejah Grace


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## lapis (Aug 15, 2008)

hugs and more hugs.
thinking of you


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

Oh, words fail me.

My heart is breaking for you. May your beautiful daughter rest in peace, sweet mama. I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I'm so desperately sorry that your precious girl isn't alive in your arms.







It is wrong, wrong, wrong. Those first days are dark days & really it takes all you have in you to just move thru the hours. Give yourself a lot of grace in these first days.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I am so sorry mama







. May you eventually find peace.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

You're not alone, mama.
Zejah Grace


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## Zevy (Apr 20, 2009)

Oh my gosh. I am so so sorry for your loss.


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## aramat (May 19, 2007)

Zejah Grace is such a beautiful name. Oh, mama, I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep your healing and comfort in my thoughts.


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## jul511riv (Mar 16, 2006)

My deepest, deepest sympathies on your loss. May you only know joy and peace from this moment forward.


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## Perdita_in_Ontario (Feb 7, 2007)

I am so awfully, terribly sorry


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## mollycce (Jul 7, 2005)

I'm so, so sorry. My heart hurts for you. It is okay to let the pain hurt and to be gentle with yourself. You will probably get a lots of remarks that are not helpful in an effort to make you feel better--I hope you are protected from any that would cause you further hurt. (((hugs)))


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry. There are no words right now. Just be in your grief and don't feel like you have to do it any particular way - do what is right for your family.

After my son died I realize now looking back that I was in shock for a number of months. Leaving him at the hospital, as you said, was so hard. I still just want him back and it's been a year and a half.

Go through these dark days and when you need a break from the grief let yourself have a moment of sanity because this journey sure doesn't feel very sane - it's hard when the rest of the world keeps moving and yours has just fallen to pieces. There are not many who can understand your pain.

When you are ready to look for resources try this page:
http://www.galdiano.net/documents/He...vedParents.pdf

You will make it through this and you will find joy again but you will never forget your beautiful baby girl, somehow we just learn to live with the pain. I know I'll never get over it but I am moving through it.

We are here - come when you need to vent, scream, or just share part of your journey. The mommas on here are wise and will help if you need it.

Deepest hugs - I wish I could make it all different. We are heartbroken with you.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm so sorry


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## Plaid Leopard (Sep 26, 2003)

I am so very sorry for your loss.
RIP Zejah Grace


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## itsajenism (May 21, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss.








keeping you in my thoughts.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I can not answer your questions of why and how. There are questions that many of us ask on a daily basis. But, I have been in the position of losing my little girl at 40 weeks the same way that you did. In the coming days, all I can say is to take one moment at a time, don't think about the next hour because it is too overwhelming. Live only one moment to one moment. Make sure you have enough pictures of your little one (50-100 or more). Contact NILMDTS for pictures if you want some help. Keep a lock of hair, keep a blanket that wrapped her, a stuffed animal that is hers. You can and you will get through this. THere will be brighter times ahead but for right now you will be grieving for a long time. (((HUGS))) Message me if you need anything. There are many ladies here that have been in your shoes and will offer some wonderful advice.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

I am so, so so sorry mama. I wish I could just hold you in my arms and cuddle you at this moment, knowing what you feel right now. You do get through this, believe it or not - and I know right now the grounds has just been torn out from underneath you and nothing seems real - but you do indeed get through. It is truly amazing what our spirits can endure and at this moment you are inside one of the hugest tests our spirits ever will endure. This is a truly humbling event for one's soul and for the souls that watch us tread this path because I can't think of much in the world harder than losing a child. The magnitude is enormous - the feelings we feel are crushing.

I am so truly sorry for your loss. Here, we all heal together and we share everything we want to share. You will never have to be afraid of showing pictures of your little girl, who is a person and who is valid. In the midst of all of this, I have to tell you (because it is how I felt too) that it is normal and fine to feel proud of that little girl, and her gorgeous strawberry blond hair. You're still her mother. That will never, ever change.

I keep a blog - and have since shortly after my own little girl, Josie, died at term in October of 2008. The link is here: http://opusangara.blogspot.com/ and her story is here. If it would help, please feel free to read. It kind of shows what my own journey was - and there are many links to other blogs I also read on there.

The ladies here are fantastic and wonderful and compassionate: I found this place a huge help and a huge source of support after Josie died. It's a section of MDC that really nobody wants to belong in, but once you're here, you'll find only love and comfort.

*HUGE, huge, enormous hugs mama* XXXXXX


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## moxielou (Jun 15, 2005)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. (((hugs))) mama








Zejah Grace


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Oh mama, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. There are no answers, but only questions. I hope that you will be kind to yourself. You will find a lot of support here.






























Zejah Grace


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## jess_paez (Jul 5, 2008)

Even after losing my daughter, I am still shocked that someone has to go through it as well. There should be no loss.







I am so sorry. Your daughter sounds beautiful and when you're ready we would all love to see her pictures and hear more about her.


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## jtrt (Feb 25, 2009)

Oh, momma. My heart is broken for you. Your tragic loss makes no sense at all. I am so very sorry that this has happened to you and your family. I wish you peace and comfort as you mourn for your beautiful daughter and grieve the life you had planned with her.

Amy


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## NWmt_mama (Jul 22, 2005)

Mama, I'm so heartbroken for you.







Zejah Grace


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## Lan84 (May 29, 2009)

I'm so, so, so sorry. This is unbelieveably heartbreaking and I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. You, your little one, and your family will be in my thoughts.


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## Turtlecouple (May 11, 2004)

I'm so, so sorry for you and your family.


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## *bejeweled* (Jul 16, 2003)

I am so sorry.


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## Asiago (Jul 1, 2009)

I am so very sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

How heartbreaking







There are no real words&#8230; I am SO sorry.

This forum is such an incredible source of support. I hope you find as much comfort here as I have.








Zejah Grace

Strength & healing to you~


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## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Rikki Jean (Jul 15, 2005)

Mama, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers.


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## Ackray (Feb 11, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## SomedayMom (May 9, 2002)

I am so so sorry for your loss mama.


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## mama2myangels07 (May 2, 2007)




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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

This deep dark pain is something I wish no one ever knew. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. It's like the world comes crashing down...and none of it makes sense anymore.

It's been 9 months since I lost Simon and Alexander. It feels like 9 days. I'm told it gets better....and that 9 months isn't a very long time. So...I'll just say....don't limit your grief. It must come out. and this is the darkest of places. But...there will...I'm told....be light again. one day.

With so much love....You are not alone. I've found sisters here unlike any I've ever known. I am only here today because of their love.

Take their hands...they know this path. They know how to make it through.


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## Jenne (May 21, 2004)

Oh, mama! I'm so sorry for your loss!

Jenne


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

First, I am always saddened to hear about a loss. I have been where you are now. I'm still there...

The same thing happened to me in 2006. I was due to have a c section on a Monday. A week before, had a checkup, baby was fine...a day later, she was gone. I remember having the same feelings you do...wondering WHY US? This was a wanted baby, who was loved the day we found out she was coming...she only had a few more days...

The feelings of wanting a nother baby right away is normal. Not only did I feel that, but other mothers who I have connected with felt and feel that way as well. It is an emptiness that mothers are dying to feel. Especially when you see your belly or your milk comes in..leaving the hospital with empty arms while you hear other babies crying.

I don't have much advice as I am still dealing with her loss today. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of your family and try taking it one step at a time.

















Zejah


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I hope you don't mind, but I acknowledged your daughter on my facebook page. I always want to remember angel babies. People so rarely want to talk about it or remember them.

Take care.


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

:


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## ASusan (Jun 6, 2006)

My thoughts are with you. Your daughter will be missed.


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

Oh mama many many







s


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## mothergoose518 (Feb 3, 2010)

I'm so sorry mama... I felt almost ferral the first few days after my son was born. It was an awful awful feeling. And the dreams... fortunately those have stopped. Tomorrow it will be a whole month since Caleb died. It's easier, but my heart still breaks every day.


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## NicaG (Jun 16, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Night_Nurse (Nov 23, 2007)

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

I am so sorry mama.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

I'm so sorry mamma.


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

What a beautiful name you had chosen for your sweet girl. I'm so, so sorry. No one should ever have to feel such pain.








Zejah Grace


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## LouisianaMomma (Mar 25, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## louoftwo (Jan 10, 2010)

praying for you and your family.....








Zejah


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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

I am so sorry for your terrible, terrible loss. You and Zejah Grace are in my heart.


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## claireb (Apr 7, 2009)

Zejah Grace









It breaks my heart that babies have to die. The world we live in makes no sense to me at all sometimes...no sense at all.

Mama, my heart is breaking that your beautiful daughter died. There are just no words for this grief...just know that you may honor and love her here and we will honor and love her right along with you...she is LOVED, REAL, and her life is MEANINGFUL regardless of whether she took a breath outside of your womb.

So many hugs and prayers.









Claire


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## finnegansmom (Jul 15, 2007)

Oh mama, I am so so terribly sorry for your tragic loss. I am heartbroken for you. I am sending you and your family peaceful feelings. Be gentle with yourself.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Zejah Grace









When I lost William (39 weeks on April 1, 2009) and came here, I read all the responses to my horrifying news and it occurred to me that these women must say words like these all the time to women who join this "club." And we do. I was on the outside, looking in, before I lost my baby, and now we're on the inside looking out.

It's such a raw experience. For weeks, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and dragged through gravel for a few miles. I felt inside out.

I'm so sorry, mama. Those are the words we know to say, and we want to do and say so VERY much more. I've been where you are and felt that despair. I know.

Please know that we're here for you, if you need us. The support here is everything you'd want it to be. Come talk about Zejah, show her to us, share her with us, and share your grief. It helps.

One of the things that helped me was reading stories about stillbirth, women who had gone through this before me. I started a blog to share my own journey, because one of the best pieces of advice I heard was that grief was passive, but mourning was active. I'd encourage you to mourn this loss, in whatever way feels right to you...

I'm so sorry you have to be here, but I welcome you with open arms.


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## PiscesMama24 (Jul 2, 2007)

Thank you mamas, for all your kind words. I'm sitting here reading them and it's like I know I'm reading about what happened to my baby, but it feels like I'm reading somebody else's story. And then I realize the thoughts and prayers are for MY baby. My eyes are heavy, I keep getting this rushing sound in my ears, and yet I can't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I have horrific nightmares, dead babies being pulled out of ovens, blood-covered walls. And then I wake up and realize that this isn't just a bad dream, this is my life, my reality now.


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## PiscesMama24 (Jul 2, 2007)

I mean, why does this have to be like this? I know this sounds awful too, but I'm thinking about whether ot not we'll ever be able to have another child. I know it's too soon, to even think about that, but what if my scar tissue is too deep and I can never have another baby. Never give my daughter a little sister or brother to play with, never hold my sleeping baby in my arms or nurse her or snuggle her. What if this is the end for me. I can't bear this!


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## Nightswimming (May 11, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss of your baby girl.


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## workjw (Apr 6, 2008)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## _ktg_ (Jul 11, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you, your family and your angel.








Zejah Grace


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PiscesMama24* 
I mean, why does this have to be like this? I know this sounds awful too, but I'm thinking about whether ot not we'll ever be able to have another child. I know it's too soon, to even think about that, but what if my scar tissue is too deep and I can never have another baby. Never give my daughter a little sister or brother to play with, never hold my sleeping baby in my arms or nurse her or snuggle her. What if this is the end for me. I can't bear this!

I am SO very, very sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl:








Zejah Grace

My little girl died at the very end of labour so we only knew of her passing when she was actually born. Even so, after just minutes to process that she wasn't coming home with us, I knew I wanted to try again. We have spent nine months preparing for a baby - it is completely normal, I think, to try and envisage a way to make that happen. I can't promise it will - I can tell you that I did conceive again (easily) after 2 sections. I hope that, in time, it will be possible for you too. We all understand here that a new baby will never be a replacement for our beautiful lost children but they do bring a measure of joy and healing.

I found this forum a godsend immediately after Emma died. I found I could post anything here - even if it sounded horrible, deranged or wrong - and I would get love and empathy, understanding and -often- good advice. I hope you find that here too. We walk an unbearable path made bearable by the company of others who walk it too.

I wish you gentle days ahead - time to grieve and support from those around you. With love, mama.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I wanted another baby immediately also. I think it is natural. We are prepared for a baby and then have one taken away. I didn't want to replace the one that I lost but I really thought having another would help me heal...not make me feel so broken. I was right, my baby after Norah has helped me. I still long for Norah, the one I lost, but I am a really good mom to the ones I have with me. Most likely you will be able to try again and conceive like Jill said but no one can promise you that you will. It is so hard. The path that you are on. The future is so uncertain, so amorphous. It will clear with time. Meanwhile, we are here for you.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I had a lot of nightmares and trouble sleeping afterwards.







As much as I'm naturally minded, I found that I needed something like Tylenol PM just to shut my brain right off. It was the only way to have peace in my sleep.


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## momtoS (Apr 12, 2006)

So sorry for your loss


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I remember that disembodied feeling - like it was happening to someone else. When they talk about "denial" in grief, they don't really explain it well, but that's what it feels like. Like it's not happening to me, this is not my life. Oh, wait... is it? It is??? This sucks!!!









I don't know what was worse, the nightmares and anxiety attacks (I felt like I couldn't leave the house or my husband's side and was sure something horrible was going to happen to one or all of us...) or the long days with nothing to think about but the loss and the "what ifs"...

And yes, I wanted a baby. NOW. Immediately. I wanted a do-over. I couldn't believe I'd have to wait (at least) 10 months to have a do-over either. And here it is, 10 months later, and I'm not even pg yet.









But sometimes it comes easy, too. (I'm sure I'm an ol' girl compared to you







) And that overwhelming NEED to hold a baby - remember, it's not just in your head. Your hormones don't know your baby is gone. You DO need it. Your body is actually craving it. I hate to say it's normal, because our new normal sucks, but it is...


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## MLA (May 22, 2008)

There are no words. I'm so very, very sorry.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PiscesMama24* 
Never give my daughter a little sister or brother to play with, never hold my sleeping baby in my arms or nurse her or snuggle her. What if this is the end for me. I can't bear this!

I worried about this too. I lost my second born and I agonized over whether I could have another and whether my dd would have a living sibling. I think on some level I really prepared myself for the fact that I would only have one living child. And this was immediately following my dd's stillbirth. I wanted to try for another baby IMMEDIATELY but my mind was preparing for failure. It's really hard. The jumble of emotions was just overwhelming at times.

For now only worry about the little stuff. Get out of bed, love your dd and family, eat when you need sustenance.... Take those tiny steps as victories and don't push yourself. I know I didn't take that advice and it really cost me in those months following my dd's stillbirth.


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## Babina's Mommy (Dec 27, 2008)

I'm so sorry...words cannot express my sympathies to you.


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## MommaSomeday (Nov 29, 2006)

I am so, so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious little girl. This time is incredibly rough, but know that anything you feel is normal and okay. Please feel like you can come here and say anything. The women in this forum are some of the strongest, most amazing women I have ever "met." We have all been where you are today and are here to love and support you however we can.

*hugs*


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Oh, Mama - I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Zejah Grace


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh my gosh - I sat in the hospital bed and told Harry "but, we will try again. We will try again." - without a question mark, notice. I wanted a "do over" as others have said, straight away as well. Immediately - and that feeling never ever went away, either.

My tactic was: go for it. Heal. So, I took vitamin C and vitamin E, iron, calcium, my prenatal, various herbs and all sorts of things to get my body healed. I ate well, drank well, did not resort to copious amounts of alcohol to dumb down the pain because my absolute motive was to heal and get pregnant as quickly as I could. I was aiming for three months to heal. I wanted a baby, dammit.

That's what happened, too. I just full-speed gunned it toward conceiving. I know "they" say one should wait X or Y amount of time, yada yada but I knew that this new baby wouldn't be replacing the last one - Bella isn't a replacement to Josie - she's an _addition_! I healed pretty quickly from my cesarean and immediately knew I also wanted a VBAC - lol, I'm pretty determined and hard headed!

We started actively trying four months after losing Josie (and kind of not preventing before that) and found out we were pregnant on April 29th, 2009 (9 days past ovulation) - so about 11 days shy of 6 months after losing. I was on every herbal supplement in the book for a while - Vitex, False Unicorn Root, vitamins...you name it. The month we got pregnant I'd not taken anything at all - I was on a herbal break!

12 January, this year, she was born, VBAC, healthy and whole. And home.

So I also absolutely understand your longing for a baby NOW, to be pregnant again NOW because it's exactly how I felt as well - totally. It will happen for you, too.

*HUGE huge hugs* XXXXX


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## someonenamedleah (Jul 23, 2009)

I barely ever post here, but I read often. I just want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet Zejah









We lost our baby boy, Stephen at 40w2d to a cord accident. I went to the hospital when my water broke and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had had a doctors appointment the day before and everything was fine. A week earlier, my OB had offered to induce me and I declined.

Before I had even delivered Stephen, my husband and I knew that we were going to try again. I wanted a baby IMMEDIATELY. I was obsessed... the desire for a baby was all-consuming. We had already started working on adopting before I got pg and so within a week of Stephen's death DH talked to SW to have us put back on the list. Honestly, I think my desire for another baby is what kept me going through the really dark days. I felt like I had something to work towards. That, and trying to be "normal" for DD's sake.

Now we have our babies and things are better. I can't say that I don't feel sad anymore or that I don't miss my baby anymore, but I definitely feel less broken.

As far as sleeping... it was a long time before I could sleep well and I still have nightmares sometimes. I found that guided imagery really helped me get to sleep. If I didn't do it, I would just replay parts of that day over and over again.


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## jgc920 (Jun 28, 2005)

i am so sorry for your loss...


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## liz-hippymom (Jul 17, 2003)

oh mama. i just lost my baby girl in labor on december 19th. this has been a very hard two months. i am so sorry. there arnt any words to make it better...


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## liz-hippymom (Jul 17, 2003)

and i too was obsessed from the get go with having another baby. i wanted to be back when i was pregnant and there was still hope. i realize now that there is no going back, but a new pregnancy would still bring hope!


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

I'm so, so very sorry.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Huge, huge hugs.... I am so, so sorry that you have to know this pain which will now be a part of you forever. It's a long, agonizing road we must walk.... but there are plenty of us here to lean on when you can't bear the weight of your loss. There is nothing easy about the days, weeks, and months ahead... but you just need to work through the grief one day at a time. Remember, just take each day as it comes. Be gentle with yourself, and do what you need to do to get by.

I had a c-section with Freja too, after two natural, uncomplicated births. I was terrified that the surgery and lack of being able to heal properly because of stress and pushing myself would affect my future fertility. (She was in the NICU for 15 days and I didn't have much of a chance to just relax and focus on healing. My own well-being was the furthest thing from my mind at the time...)

I was desperate to become pregnant again soon after we lost her. I felt so empty. I knew another baby would never replace her or heal the pain of losing her, but I felt a very strong desire to pour my love into a sibling of Freja's. I knew it would not be _her_... But that her sibling would be a part of her in a way. I got pregnant not quite four months after her birth, and my OB has even been very encouraging of a VBAC this time dispite having just had the c/s recently.

I wish you peace with whatever you decide is right for you. Getting pregnant so soon after losing my daughter has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I'm still grieving heavily, and it's just a very strange place to be knowing that I will be having another baby in a couple of months, yet feeling like time stopped ten months ago and I am still sitting in the NICU holding Freja.

I'm here for you


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## PiscesMama24 (Jul 2, 2007)

You are giving me so much hope mamas...I have finally been able to see a slight silver lining today. DH and I were talking about the idea of maybe trying again to conceive on our anniversary, July 16. Do you think that is too soon? I'm so scared, even considering the idea, that this might happen again. How do you get over that fear and develop the courage to be able to try again? Does anyone know the actual chances that this might happen again? I'm barely making it day to day right now, I truly think I would be lost forever if this ever happened again.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

I'm so sorry that you lost your sweet Zejah. I lost my Matthew last May and I was SO AFRAID that I would die from the pain or just go insane and never come back. I promise you that it DOES get better and you WILL get through it. I didn't think it was possible but little by little, I was able to pick up the pieces and keep going... and you can too.

It's a tough and extremely personal decision to get pregnant again. It's scary. I obsessed and read all I could about subsequent pregnancies and stillbirths and from what I've read, there is only a *tiny* chance of having another stillbirth. I think it depends some on the cause of your baby's death. My Matthew died from a cord accident and my ob swears that my chances of having another baby die from that are the same as any other pregnant woman out there.

The courage to try again will find you. I just lost my rainbow baby this week at nearly 16 weeks and I can tell you that I'm still planning on trying again.

I had a few people tell me not to think about another baby , that I just needed to focus on my grief and that really was not helpful to me. I NEEDED to read and study and figure it all out. Only then could I let go a little of the obsession and just focus on healing.

Also, I found going to a support group in real life to be very healing. Seeing that there were living, breathing, SMILING women who had been through what I had been through. I saw that they were still alive and functioning, and even *happy*, and I knew that I could do it too.

I'll be thinking about you and your little Zejah.


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## lovebug (Nov 2, 2004)

i am so sorry mama! my heart goes out to you!!! this has to be so hard- i dont know what you do, but i hope you find peace!
Zejah Grace


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## mothergoose518 (Feb 3, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PiscesMama24* 
How do you get over that fear and develop the courage to be able to try again?

The fear will never go away. Ever. No matter how many other children you have the fear will be there with each pregnancy. You just make a choice to move forward DESPITE the fear and knowing that if it DOES happen again you will grieve, mourn, and pick yourself up again.

One thing I have purposed in order to help myself in the future is to buy a doppler with my next pregnancy. One that has a digital read out of the baby's HR, so that I can monitor well being. With my own loss there would have been no way to save my baby (he died suddenly and much too early to have survived) but I would have at least known he was in trouble. If I had been further along when he became distressed and I had been monitoring his HR at home maybe, just maybe, we'd have been able to save him.


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## Sweetiemommy (Jul 19, 2005)

I think making the decision of when to try again is whenever you feel ready. I don't think that you have a higher chance statistically than any other mama. I can say that my grandmother lost a child in her second pregnancy, a stillborn (in the fifties when they wouldn't even let her see or hold the baby) and she went on to have five more healthy children. Hope this helps and much love to you, your baby and your family.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Oh, mama, I'm so terribly sorry.







I cried when I saw this. So, so sorry. I remember the pain all too well. My heart just breaks for you.
















I couldn't wait to be pregnant again. I was thinking about TTC when I was being induced. We conceived Henry on my third cycle, 5 months pp. My pregnancy with Henry was a roller coaster of emotions. My anxiety was high at times and other times I was more zen and optimistic. Those last couple weeks I was especially anxious. The pain and heartache is still very present. I look at Henry and I see Duncan. They share a resemblance in some ways.

Sending you lots of white light and love.
















Zejah Grace









I love her name, btw.


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## idigchaitea (Aug 21, 2007)

I am so very sorry, mama. I have been where you are now, and it is so very very painful. My little Jonas was stillborn at 40 weeks, and it has almost been a year now. I just want you to know that it does get a bit easier. Keep taking it one day at a time, and reach out to those around you. *HUGS*


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## dinahx (Sep 17, 2005)




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