# Worried I am not coping properly



## RoseRed (Dec 24, 2005)

I have never dealt with death well. I have only had one person in my entire life die, a cousin. So, now that the death and loss is so close to me I am worried that I am not handling it well enough and that it will come back to bite me.

I just wrote out some thoughts and emotions on my blog ( http://journeysoftheethingtons.blogs...9/02/loss.html ) But I don't know.

What did you do to cope with your loss?


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## MovingMomma (Apr 28, 2004)

Things I've done:
-write down thoughts & emotions
-draw a picture of my baby
-bury our baby
-pray
-read books about miscarriage
-the first few days I took "off"...my mom was here & she did all the keep-the-house-going stuff and I just rested and mourned


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## millefleur (Nov 25, 2008)

The grieving process is so different for everyone. I don't think there is any "right" way to cope. Grieve however you need to, and for however long it takes.

Some people decide to get a memorial piece of jewelry, a work of art, an ornament, or plant something outside. Some people name their lost baby. I did. I also have a special memorial Christmas ornament, a bird.

While I was going through the physical part, my healing process involved letting myself eat all of the ice cream I wanted. I rested on the couch in my pajamas with pillows, a blanket, and a heating pad, and just took it easy and didn't go anywhere. That was just what I needed.

I have found spirituality and feelings about fate and things happening for a reason/being meant to be helpful in processing my loss. I also believe in spirit babies and feel that while Ruby's physical presence is gone, her spirit is still with me.

You are in the right place for support. We have all been there in one way or another.







I know it's hard to believe, but it does get better over time. For now, just let yourself be as you are and take care of yourself. Your feelings are totally normal. If you need to, you could always find a support group or counselor, too.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

There really is no "right" or "wrong" way to go about grieving (so long as you don't start injuring yourself or other people).

After our son's death, I spent about 2 months in bed (DH stayed home for about a week before going back to work). I couldn't leave the house, do grocery shopping, cook, anything. My BFF would come down once a week (an hour each way), go grocery shopping for us, cook us some food, clean the house, etc., because I couldn't do any of that myself. She did that for about 6 months. Each week I could do a little more to help her. It took about 2 months before I could do grocery shopping totally on my own, and I could start cooking regularly again. After about 3 months, I went back to work PT - as my DH's intern. I still had my moments of needing to leave the office and sit in the car for an hour, but since I was working for him, that wasn't an issue. I worked there for about 3 months, and went back to SAH. By that point I was able to function independently again, but it took another several months before I was in a position to be able to go back to work FT.


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## MeepyCat (Oct 11, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RoseRed* 
What did you do to cope with your loss?

So far?

Grumble. Kick things. Work like crazy. Complain irascibly about the theological incorrectness of the notion that angels are dead folks with wings.

I doubt that anyone would say this is *healthy*, but I get up in the morning and I breathe in and out all day long.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Sanguine (Sep 8, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently, but for me, these things helped/help (most are the same as Shannon's):
writing to & about our baby
burying our baby
talking here
talking to other friends who have miscarried
reading about miscarriage
giving myself lots of time and care as I healed--eating well, having a friend watch our son while my husband and I had some time together, taking time to rest or just cry

The thing about grief is, no matter how you deal with it, it usually cycles around in some way later on. I've found that with other losses, like my dad. You always get more opportunities to heal and work on your loss, whether you want them or not.

I always recommend hospice bereavement programs, since in our area, hospice grief support isn't just for people whose loved ones were hospice patients. It helped us a lot when my FIL died, and it's good to know they're there if I decide I need to talk to someone about our miscarriage.


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## turtlewomyn (Jun 5, 2005)

I don't think there is such a thing as "coping properly"
You cope the way that you cope, and that is just fine.

I planted a memorial weeping yaupon holly bush for each of my losses last year.

I got a memorial bracelet from www.labelledame.com for my m/c baby and am making one for my ectopic baby.

I talk about it as needed to people who will listen without saying stupid things.

I write about it here and elsewhere

I go to an early loss support group (with my local hospice)


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## Kat's Mommy (Jan 2, 2006)

Some of my answers are similar to other responses.

- look at pictures ( I even asked my husband to put pictures on my blackberry so that I can look at my son whenever I want)
- read books on grieving, stillbirth loss, etc.
- talk about Calvin
- come on MDC forums
- i blog


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## slowtime (Sep 25, 2006)

I agree with the other posters. There is no right way.

In the first couple weeks after my loss, I also felt like I wasn't coping well. I'd spent a week home from work, and then I had to go back and do all the things I'd done before, as if nothing had happened. My grief was overwhelming, but for eight hours a day, five days a week it was just business as usual. Most of my coworkers still don't know that I was ever pregnant. I felt like I couldn't be doing it right, if I felt so crippled yet functioned so robotically. But that feeling passed.

I bought a memorial necklace, and it helps. Going back to work ultimately helped. I had a mantra for a while - one foot in front of the other, one day after the next. That helped. But most of all, when I need to stop and just feel the full measure of my grief, I let myself. And when I need to not think about it, to focus on something else for a while, I let myself do that, too.

It's been three months since I lost my pregnancy. A couple of well-meaning people (including my mother) have asked if I'm "back to normal." The answer is always no. There is no "back" to normal. I will never be the same as I was before I was pregnant, and before my loss. There is no going back. I also feel like there is no "normal", but I expect that there will eventually be a new normal. It just won't be the same as the old one.

Cope however you need to cope. There are plenty of good suggestions here. Do what you need to do, and it won't be wrong.


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