# Need some advice about my tendency to compliment my little boy's butt!



## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

It was mentioned to me by a male friend that while he appreciates my affection toward my almost 4 year old son, he (from an outside perspective),does not think it is appropriate for me to pat my little boy's butt and say things like "you've got such a soft butt!" My little guy is still nursing and admittedly, there is lots of affection, hugging, and some butt-patting going on while I nurse and I guess I am vocal about my admiration for his cute little baby butt.
My male friend's perspective is that is inappropriate for a couple of reasons.
For one, he thinks that I am instilling a strange sense of self-value in my son by saying things about his soft butt. He thought it was especially inappropriate since my son is a boy. His opinion is that I should be instilling self-worth by complimenting my son's characters and personality strengths.
Secondly, he says that it sounds strange to outsiders.
Admittedly, I feel a bit freaky now. I am not a pedophile or trying to warp my son. I am an affectionate Mama and I am worried that I have crossed some boundary somewhere.
Need perspectives...thanks.
Mel.


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## ameliabedelia (Sep 24, 2002)

We don't touch our children's private parts, unless it is necessary to clean them. Personally, I do think it is inappropriate. I want my children to learn that their bodies are private, and certain parts shouldn't be touched by other people with a few exceptions (like mom or dad cleaning them).


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## starlein26 (Apr 28, 2004)

i guess i *sorta* see his point since he is 4.

(From http://www.pbs.org/wholechild/abc/social.html)

At this age, children are more aware of themselves as individuals. They:
Show some understanding of moral reasoning (exploring ideas about fairness and good or bad behavior)
Compare themselves with others

4-year-olds are very interested in relationships with other children. They:
Develop friendships
Express more awareness of other people's feelings
Show interest in exploring sex differences
Enjoy imaginative play with other children, like dress up or house
Bring dramatic play closer to reality by paying attention to detail, time, and space

You might ask your son how he feels about it?


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

I might not verbalize the "nice soft butt" part just because I know ds would walk around announcing that. The touching doesn't bother me in the least. My ds is almost 4 and an avid nurser, so we have plenty of touching going on (where else am I gonna put my hand when I'm holding him?). I was trying to explain why he needed his pants on in the driveway and he started shouting to passing strangers "Hey, do you like my bom-bom?" My mom said I'll be able to tease him about that when he is older and I replied he'll probably be like my brother who truly doesn't care about the privacy of his "bom-bom."


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## BelovedK (Jun 7, 2005)

There is nothing more cute than a baby/toddler butt, esp when its running aroud naked. I guess i'm guilty of patting my DDs cute butt, we laugh about it though. She knows about privacy issues, but sometimes i can't help myself


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## hottmama (Dec 27, 2004)

I pat my 2.5 yr. old's butt and tell him how cute it is all the time. I love little baby butts, and don't think it's pedophilia or at all inappropriate. Our babies are made to be cute! As long as he's comfortabel running around/nursing/eating/etc. naked, and bathing together, I don't think there's any problem with it.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BelovedK*
There is nothing more cute than a baby/toddler butt, esp when its running aroud naked.

I agree totally. Baby bums are cute.

I think that stuff about verbalizing that he has a nice soft butt and its effect on a boy is a little over the top. I don't think it's a good idea to _only_ compliment your children (male or female) on their physical traits, but why can't you say something like that to a boy? It's not like you're calling him a sissy or telling him he's a weakling!

I was always telling ds how he was cute and adorable and all that. He's 12 now, and doesn't seem to be suffering any kind of crisis of personality - he's got a strong sense of self-worth and self-respect.

I'd just try to relax about it, unless your son objects.


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## Sofiamomma (Jan 4, 2002)

I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with and to be encouraged! We need more affectionate loving like that in this world. Who better than your mama to tell you how wonderful you are for all sorts of reasons! It would be bad if you *only* ever complimented his physical characteristics, but I think it is just as important to tell someone what you like about their body, as well as their mind, personality traits, etc. It will help him feel good about himself and have a good self-image. If you like his butt when he is little, he will like his butt when is bigger and more self-critical. I wonder if your friend isn't projecting a little? It makes him feel uncomfortable, but that's about him, yk?

The bum can certainly be an erogenous zone and I agree we should teach our children about privacy and not letting others touch their genitals, but I do think the bum is different than the genitals. There will come a time when it doesn't feel right anymore and you will know when that is. For now he is only three and a nursing toddler. The foundation of healthy sexuality begins with healthy sensuality when they are small. We are designed to need lots of physical affection, cuddling, co-sleeeping, extended nursing, etc.


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## bleurae (Feb 25, 2005)

I don't just pat mines butt I call him booty-boy and kiss it at least 100 times a day. It ROCKS!!! He laughs up a storm about it.

IMO over privatizing ones body can lead to shaming it and having a sense your privates are somehow "dirty" or "bad". We discuss all his parts. Sometimes when he gets lil pee boners he looks at me with big eyes and I let him know it is normal and okie dokie. He smiles and goes about his business.He sometimes crawls under me in the bathroom and wants t lookup between my legs and I let him. It is natural curiosity.

I want him to grow up feeling the human body is a beautiful natural thing and he should never feel he has to hide it or be ashamed of it.

I also know he will prolly be 30 before I stop squishin and kissin that cute lil booty!!!!!

Bleu

mama to bliss


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that!
There IS something wrong with teaching your child to be shameful about certain parts. Modesty? Sure. But shaming them by refusing to EVER speak positively about them is just wrong!


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I do think that's inappropriate for a 4-year-old. Not because he's a boy--I would feel the same way if he were a girl. It might be me, though. I am very uncomfortable about anything that even slightly hints at adult-child sexuality.

You might also want to keep in mind that he may repeat it, and pat other kids' butts, and that could be awkward.

Quote:

But shaming them by refusing to EVER speak positively about them is just wrong!
Hmmm. I don't know. Would you say, "What a pretty pink vulva you have!" "What a cute penis!" I sure wouldn't. It's not that I think those parts are bad and dirty, but I don't think I'd specifically compliment them.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

I think as long as you compliment your ds on everything else wonderful that he is and does, (which I'm sure you do) then his bum is just one more part of him that you love.
I am always patting my 2.10 y/o ds's bum and telling him how cute it is. He does a "naked bum dance" and dh and I clap and celebrate with him.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Wow!
What great feedback, Mamas! The diversity is great too!
Yes, I tell my son about all of his wonderful characteristics/traits, not just physical ones...I think he is wonderful just for being himself...I see him as thoughtful, a great problem-solver, detail-oriented and imaginative little boy. I am very vocal about all of my impressions.
PJ knows that his penis is his own (as I've reinforced that it is his own and that his whole body is his own). I rarely touch his genitalia (he washes himself so I never need to touch him there unless he has something-paper, a hair, watermelon seed







stuck to it). I still help him wipe his butt when going number 2.
By the same token that I've taught him that his whole body is his own and not anyone else's to abuse, I guess that to avoid confusion I could be more wary of touches to the butt.
But I have to admit...as his Mama, I appreciate many aspects of my son. Patting his butt is almost the same as patting his head. Yes, he is still nursing...lots of butt patting going on then. We still share tub baths too.
*Sigh* This is such a confusing issue...I want my son to protect/value his body and non-tangible attributes but I also don't want to be looked at as a freak for patting/complimenting my son's butt. I guess I'm already a freak to some for co-sleeping, nursing until this age and allowing him to run around nude in the home, right?


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

And in response to the Mama who pointed out that there is discomfort on her part because she is "uncomfortable about anything that even slightly hints at adult-child sexuality", I can totally respect that those are your feelings for whatever your reasons may be. I also realize those are personal feelings that stem from inside of you. It is also mentionable that most of the mainstream public would associate nursing a 4 yr old, allowing him to sleep in the bed, seeing his mother's naked body, running around naked himself with sexuality...and they are, in my opinion, not realistic. These are not sexual acts to me or my son. And neither is patting his butt and telling him it is soft.
I want to make my decisions based upon what is best for my child and our family. It becomes a dangerous slippery slope when I begin to doubt my mama's instinct.


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc*
Hmmm. I don't know. Would you say, "What a pretty pink vulva you have!" "What a cute penis!" I sure wouldn't. It's not that I think those parts are bad and dirty, but I don't think I'd specifically compliment them.

I think that's taking it a little too far.
The difference between, 'cute little nekkie bum' and 'what a pretty pink vulva' is pretty big.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I may have been unclear--I actually don't think complimenting a child on his butt and his penis are equivalent. I was referring to this:

Quote:

There IS something wrong with teaching your child to be shameful about certain parts. Modesty? Sure. But shaming them by refusing to EVER speak positively about them is just wrong!
I thought you were speaking about butt, genitals, the whole thing. No?

Quote:

t is also mentionable that most of the mainstream public would associate nursing a 4 yr old, allowing him to sleep in the bed, seeing his mother's naked body, running around naked himself with sexuality...and they are, in my opinion, not realistic.
I hear you. I have slightly more conservative views than some here on these things. I certainly don't think you are a pedophile, but I am just careful around some of these body privacy/boundary things. As someone else said, I wouldn't want him thinking that having *other* adults caress/pat his butt or genitals and say things about them would be an okay thing, at his age. Does that make sense?


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

"never saying anything positive" and showering with absurd compliments on labial colour are not in any way equal.
For the record, the conversation was about a butt, wasn't it?

You can speak about your body in a positive way while also not being inappropriate and obscene.
Heck, I'm still complimented if someone says I have a cute bum (in a non-sexual way, of course).









ETA:
"As someone else said, I wouldn't want him thinking that having *other* adults caress/pat his butt or genitals and say things about them would be an okay thing, at his age. Does that make sense?"

Is it not possible to teach the difference between some random stranger or uncle doing it, and mom patting your butt while you're nursing?
As a child, I was perfectly aware of the difference between child molestation and my mom giving my butt a pat.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Yes, I agree...there is a world of difference between telling my son what a cute/soft butt he has and saying the same thing about his penis.

This brings a circumstance to mind. He is in a stage where he is rubbing himself down there quite a bit....and saying, "Look MOM!!!!" with a giant grin on his face....

And I just say, "That's your penis! Does that feel good? Yes, that's your wonderful penis...it's all your own, it belongs to you!"

And I guess that's a compliment to yet another wonderful part of his body...but as I said, I don't touch him there unless it is out of necessity.
And I never want to instill shame in him about his body or pleasure derived from him touching it. As he gets a little older (and if he's still rubbing himself openly), I will probably then tactfully talk to him about solitude and how certain activities may be best enjoyed alone.
I agree that it is possible to teach him the difference between a friendly pat/compliment from Mom and inappropriate words/touching from others.

On a funny note, we've been in the bathtub and he has said to me, "Hey Mom! Nice Vulva!" and I just said "Umm...thank you" and talked about something else.


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Quote:

As a child, I was perfectly aware of the difference between child molestation and my mom giving my butt a pat.
Not every child is, and molestation can be a lot more subtle than many people imagine. It can take the form of inappropriate compliments on a child's body, for instance. Again, I am absolutely NOT saying that this is the case for the OP--just pointing it out.

I probably need to bow out of the conversation, as my views on this are not in synch with the general MDC population, I suspect and the subject is personal for me. But with something like 1 in 6 children experiencing molestation, it is not a topic to be taken lightly, I think.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

Our culture is so deeply frightened about sexual abuse that we have to defend and protect how we genuinely and honestly show our children love to others.

I tell my son his penis is beautiful, wonderful. I praise my boys perfect bodies and how they work just the way they should. If I had daughters, I would say encouraging, positive things about her vulva, too. "Isn't it wonderful! It is part of you!"

The hang ups start with us, not with our kids. The intention isn't to be sexual, or to mislead them, or to manipulate them, or to abuse- it is to find a way to speak positively about body parts with which we as adults clearly have our own set of issues. LOL

We're not only afraid that someone else will hurt our children (which is a truly valid fear)- but we're even more afraid that we'll be seen as the abuser, just because one mom loves to pat her kid's butt or talks about her daughter's vulva or whatever. It's not sexual- it's not abuse.

It makes me sad that good mothers feel like they have to defend themselves over just loving their children.


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *loraxc*
Not every child is, and molestation can be a lot more subtle than many people imagine. It can take the form of inappropriate compliments on a child's body, for instance.

Having experienced this myself, I can see what you're referring to. But it's the *intention* behind it that is what leads to the abuse. When the comments were made to me, they were to sexualize me, not appreciate my perfection as a human being. When I make comments about my children, it is with the intention to appreciate them, to reflect their beauty back to them- not to take advantage of them. My comments aren't sexual "You have a sexy butt!", they're innocent "I love your squishy butt!". Also, if my child ever said it made him uncomfortable I'd stop. A child molester wouldn't. There's a difference.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Loraxc,
I want you to know that I value your contributions to this conversation...the reason I posted was to get plenty of input, diverse and insightful...not just to get support for my own ideas.
You are right...molestation is very real...and the last statistic I heard was that 1 in 4 children are molested : (
I hear your concerns and I have valued your input.

Mel.


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## littleteapot (Sep 18, 2003)

Loraxc
This subject is personal for me too. I have been molested and sexually abused as a child. However, I still firmly believe this culture has become paranoid to a fault. It's one thing to educate and inform our children, and it's another to become so paranoid in our own HOMES that we cannot even allow ourselves to be affectionate and playful with our toddlers for fear of sending them the message that we are molesting them, or making molestation "okay" somehow.

It is the intention, and listening to our kids. If your seven year old says "don't pat my butt, it embarrasses me!" I know we'd all stop doing it.
When my two year old runs up to me naked and wiggles her bum so that I'll goose her and give chase, I play along! She's having fun, and I don't fear this will give her the impression that child molestation is okay...


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

Quote:

Having experienced this myself, I can see what you're referring to. But it's the intention behind it that is what leads to the abuse.
Of course, and again I am not saying that the OP is doing anything even slightly abusive. My point, again, is that if it's okay from one person the child may see it as okay from another person. And, sadly, most sexual abuse does take place within the family. And the line can be quite fine.

I think it's because we're talking about a 4-year-old, by the way, that I bring this up. A 2-year-old really wouldn't understand the subtlety of compliments that sexualize him/her, and I don't think most abusers would engage in that kind of verbal abuse with a 2-year-old anyway.

Another sad point, which I hate to even acknowledge, is that if, God forbid, someone were to report you to CPS for something, such comments (I'm thinking more of "What a beautiful penis!" than "What a cute butt!", for sure) could be held against you, I imagine. No, I don't really believe in living that way either, but it maybe should be said.









I also should say that my only child is 17 months, and that in my mind there is a big difference between patting the butt of a 2-year-old and patting the butt of a 4-year-old. Maybe I will change my mind when I HAVE a 4-year-old.

Ahappymel, I really appreciate your civility in this touchy conversation.


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## Dakota's Mom (Apr 8, 2003)

I have a similar issue that I've been dealing with lately. My son's nickname since he was small was Boo Boo. Then it morphed into Boo Butt, then Butt Boy. Around home I have no problem with any of these names. But lately when my husband calls him Butt or Butt Boy out in public it bothers me. I don't think there is anything sexual about it, but I worry that other people will think we are molesting him or something. I think the same would be true for the OP's son. Patting his butt in public and talking about how cute it is may bring up suspicions in other people. Personally I see nothing wrong with it. But maybe it needs to be only at home. I don't know. I don't want to sound like a prude, but we do have to worry about other people these days. 20 years ago no one would have called CPS because you tell your son he has a cute butt, but today, who knows?

Kathi


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## dynamicdoula (Jun 11, 2004)

Well look at it this way- if your infant's nickname was something like, "fatty" because of his fat rolls and it stuck with him into older ages, would you keep it around, knowing how it might affect how he is perceived/perceives himself?


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## bleurae (Feb 25, 2005)

I have to strongly disagree here. Using names that might embarrass our kids I CAN see as problematic, but as for others thinking we are molesting our kids??????????????? Pedophiles are very very predatory, they do NOT compliment kids in public on their bodies, they would target their bike or dog or some other such "innocent" thing. They would not pat a child in public, they are very sick, very secretive, and make it their life's purpose to NOT get caught. If, in general, they were so obvious, we would likely not have such trouble id'ing and prosecuting them.
I think respecting a 7 or 8 year olds feelings if something is embarrassing him is very important and valid, but worrying someone is gonna think I am molesting my kid for calling him butt boy or (as we do) booty boy is the FURTHEREST thing from my mind.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

I am the original poster and wanted to add a couple of thoughts.
First of all, I can understand why a nickname such as "ButtBoy" might cause angst for my child/with outsiders so I might avoid that. Even if it were just a private family joke, I would be concerned that he might relay his nickname to outsiders or somehow create a notion that some part of his identity/value is associated with a body part. I don't know...a compliment of a body part seems different to me than a body part label/name for a child. I wouldn't want to be called "Boobie Lady" for the rest of my life either although I don't mind being told I have soft breasts (or hair or feet or face, for that matter) :LOL
As for the comment that pedophiles do not touch children in public...um, I have to disagree. My grandfather is a pedophile who molested me, my sister and many other children. He was trusted among his family, community for the very reason that he was so openly affectionate (hugs, pats), loving and demonstrative with the kids. He was very giving and always had toys/candy in his pockets







Family/community would laugh to see their kids race to Grandpa to climb on his lap for affection, toys and candy.
Everyone who found out he was touching inappropriately and privately was shocked and appalled.
To this day, he says that he does not believe he was hurting kids but I disagree because he was crossing boundaries IN PRIVATE. So something in him must have known he was doing something wrong that had to be hidden. He was not hiding the affection and attention to kids...everyone saw that, knew it and was accepting/encouraging. It was the sexual molestation that was wrong and hidden. Grandpa knew the difference between what was acceptable/what wasn't enough to be open about one kind of touching and private about the other kind.
I have to also add that I have been very cautious about the types of compliments that I dole out to my son about his body ever since it was brought to my attention that it might be inappropriate to tell him he has a soft butt (BTW, this was brought to my attention because of my actions IN MY OWN HOME, not in public).
I also think it's important to add that although we know we are not being inappropriate with our comments and actions in the context of appropriate affection with our children, I think it was a good point that it's important that it be said that we certainly do live in a cultural climate where some of our comments/affection can be questioned.
So perhaps we need to trust our instincts but also be cautious/heed warning of our cultural climate. *Sigh* I hate saying that. I hate "closet nursing" a 4 yr old. I hate being ostracized everytime I talk about how circumcision is mutilation. I hate being catergorized as an irresponsible parent for questioning vaccination. And now is another hate. I hate that our culture will suspect me for non-sexually admiring just one part of my child's physique.
KWIM?


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

I do think our society has become paranoid about child molestation and I think it's hurting our kids. My son's school added a new primary wing a couple of years ago. The bathrooms have no outside door, so anybody walking down the hall can look in and see the stall doors and the sinks and everything. I was told that this was put into place to "protect" the kids from pedophiles in the bathrooms.

I don't see how stealing the kid's privacy while they're on the toilet is protecting them! As a child, I would have exploded from a full bladder before I'd have been willing to use a toilet that felt so public. Teachers aren't allowed to hug primary students, anymore. My son got up in class at the age of 8 and announced that "I'm a zero (this was an "emotion thermometer" exercise) because my daddy's in jail". The other kids rallied around him, but his teacher...one of the most lovely, understanding, sympathetic people I've ever known...couldn't even give him a hug, because it could be misinterpreted.

And, I don't think _any_ of this protects our kids! I was sexually abused in that _same school_ when I was a student there...but it wasn't in the bathrooms and all the protective measures we now use wouldn't have prevented it. I think we've reached the point where we're hurting our children in our attempts to protect them.


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## BabyBumblebee (Mar 16, 2005)

Dynamicdoula: your post was amazing - you took the words out of my mouth, and arranged them in a much better way than I could (I had been puzzling over this for a while).

I find every part of my daughter to be magical and precious, and beautiful....and have no problem with complimenting her on all of them. Having said that, there are some things that I've never said (because it's never occurred to me *to* say them), and some that get said a lot: 'you have the most beautiful chub-chubs (rolls on her legs and arms







) in the world'

I think we have a responsibility to follow our childrens cues - when dd doesn't want to be held or cuddled or kissed she tells me so to the best of her abilities....as she gets older we will continue to listen to her. Follow your heart, mama...

Oh, and for what it's worth, I am an incest, and SA survivor, and this is not a subject I take lightly. I don't think the OP's intent is questionable in any way - and that for me is the test of whether this is appropriate....just my 0.02 though


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## jstar (Jul 22, 2004)

i think it is extremely paranoid to think it is wierd or pedophilic to pat your 4 year old's butt and call it cute

nekky butts ARE CUTE! they're kids. they're innocent. it's a fun complement. he's still nursing. you're still bathing him. at some point he'll begin to show modesty and quit running around naked and probably at that point he won't be so into you bathing him. and when all this develops, you'll naturally lay off the comments.

til then...it's all in good fun. we call it 'button butt' they're so little


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Ah, lightheartedness!
Yes, I think all of my son is precious and wonderful and cute too!
I still adore his chubby feet and kiss them at least once a day.
I admire his hands with their dimply knuckles and his round babyish face. His long eyelashes against his pink cheeks while he sleeps....
And yes, his little tush is cute too...and very little :LOL His whole butt fits in the palm of my hand ( I have small hands too!).

Ah, I don't have to tell you Mamas how much we adore our kids...


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

When I was little my mum would pat my bum lovingly and say "This is my poto, I made it, it's mine!"
("poto" is a spanish slang for butt, bottom, bum, whatever)

But then when I was about 3 or 4 I started to take her seriously. If she says it's HER poto... maybe she'll want it back. OH NO!
So I would turn around and say "No mama it's mine, you can't have it!"
:LOL

Now I find myself doing the EXACT same thing to my son and I completely understand where my mum (who died before I got pregnant) was coming from. I look at my sweet boy and think every part of him is MINE, I MADE IT!


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## mattjule (Nov 6, 2003)

Complimenting your child's body can be a very good thing. My mom used to tell my sister all the time that she had a such a nice butt (this was in jr high), my sister would do the whole eyes roll thing but you could see it was nice to be complimented. When my mom compliments my butt now (my sister's is quite a bit bigger), I preen. I think, "someone thinks I have a nice butt!" It's like your most honest critic is giving you something to go out in the world with. I don't know, I am probably not explaining this well but it is a totally different feeling from my dh telling me I have a nice butt, yk? I mean, she's MY MOM. (And I nursed until I was over 3 yo)

I tell ds (3.5) he has a beautiful belly and his brother has an amazingly cute butt. When you are still nursing, it's pretty natural for a butt to be in your hand and it is nothing sexual. It's a natural inclination to rub your child's back, all the way down to their butt or pat it when you are nursing. I kiss my ds's belly right at his belly button, is that considered sexual?

I think this has more to do with your friend's background than what you are doing. For the record, none of the male friends I have would think that was inappropriate. Probably because my sons are never clothed, I think they have all gotten used to seeing little butts and therefore hearing me compliment them.







They would feel a little weird about me nursing a 4 yo in front of them, I think the combo of the compliment while nursing such a large boy is what disturbed him most. I think it would be hard for an adult man to see a scene like that and not make a sexual connection. That doesn't mean it is there for you or your son.

I was the victim of molestation as well, though not to the personal or lengthy extent of some others (my molestor was a babysitter and most of my memory of it is inaccessible so I am not sure how long it lasted but definitely under a year). The scary thing is that I am not that scarred by it because I didn't know it was wrong. I didn't know he wasn't supposed to touch me there. I didn't feel shame or guilt. I got whatever he bribed me with so I was fine. When my mom asked me about it (some other girls had told her he had touched them) I lied simply because she looked so freaky I thought I was going to get in trouble. I was 6. My point is that some kids won't know the difference, you have to teach them the difference. But I don't think if my mom and dad never touched me I would have known that what he did was wrong. You need to talk to your children, you need to tell them what is okay and what isn't okay and obviously respect the boundaries they make for themselves but you don't need to treat them like any sensual part of their body has leprosy. That just gives them another complex.

Sometimes I squeeze ds's butt as he runs by and say "Got your butt!" and he'll laugh and say "Hey, that's my butt!" and I know he doesn't want me touching it. He doesn't like me to touch his penis, so I only do it when I am trying to teach him aiming or feel he needs a better washing than he does on his own. But his reaction to me touching his penis is very different from his reaction to me touching his butt. He feels annoyed when I touch his butt and he doesn't want me to (this isn't all the time) but he acts violated when I touch his penis (for washing, etc).

I doubt this makes much sense but the bottom line is that not ever touching your child's rear or complimenting it is not going to protect them from molestation. As long as both you and your ds are comfortable with it then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.


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## Ahappymel (Nov 20, 2001)

Now I want to distinguish...I do not think my son's body belongs to me.
He is a person all on his own...his body is his own. In that sense, I can see where my friend was coming from. Perhaps he was thinking more in terms of instilling a sense of empowerment in my son so that he cannot feel dominated by another person in regards to his body (perhaps making him more vulnerable to molestation and such)...maybe the concept of domination is more socially integrated in men/boys than in women and that's what he meant when he told me that this issue was especially critical when it came to a boy child...so that in addition to feeling empowered about his own body, my son is also not prone to domineering behavior such as unsolicited touching.
I think I'm going to raise the subject with him again and see exactly what he meant.
Do any of you out there see how someone else might create a connection between touching and possesiveness/domination? Perhaps this connection is what unsettles some people about this issue? As they see our children grow older/more independent perhaps they are more disturbed at unsolicited touching/compliments? I don't know...just typing out thoughts...


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## ShadowMom (Jun 25, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ahappymel*
he thinks that I am instilling a strange sense of self-value in my son by saying things about his soft butt. He thought it was especially inappropriate since my son is a boy. His opinion is that I should be instilling self-worth by complimenting my son's characters and personality strengths.

That is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.

Your male friend has some issues to work through. Don't let him turn your innocent and wonderful affection into something it is not.









JMHO.


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