# almost 4 year old hitting, kicking, tantruming



## mariamaroo (Aug 15, 2004)

DD will be 4 in a month and a half, and she has been pushing limits and testing boundaries for a few weeks now. She is starting now to hit and kick when she isn't getting what she wants (doesn't want to get in the bathtub, doesn't want to get dressed, whatever). I do NOT know what to do to first of all stop this behavior and secondly help her manage her frustrated and angry feelings better. I am afraid I'm going to lose control too! (which I'm sure she can feel and doesn't help the situation).

The advice I got from a close friend (and normally a good source of parenting advice for me&#8230 was to either hit her, or to put her in her room for an hour.







: Obviously, the first solution makes no sense to me, and the second one doesn't feel like it would work. This morning, I used a modified version of the second solution - I walked out of the room and closed the door and left her alone for maybe 10 minutes. When I came back I told her she is not allowed to hit or kick and that if she did she would have to stay by herself for a while.

She did seem calmer and somewhat accepting of this rule, and I felt like she was responding to me being in control and taking some of the power out of her hands. But it doesn't feel like a total solution.

Any strategies or suggestions are desperately needed! I am terrible at these issues of control and power and authority, and I really need some help. I feel that dd is experimenting with all these things and I really need to be there for her, provide the structure she needs to figure it out, but I'm pretty lost in it myself.

thanks so much.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

My kids went through violent stages at age 4. Sounds like your dd is ahead of the game!









What I did:

- Isolate ourselves somewhere private and sit with her for a bit. If she is kicking, hitting, or hurting *you* then you can hold her facing away from you, and talk quietly in her ear about what she is feeling, and telling her constantly that you can let go when she is not hurting you. She might WANT to be left alone for a little while, and thats fine too. She might wreck her room, and as long as she is safe, I would let her -- you can pick it up together later.

- When she is calm, ask her what the problem was. LISTEN. Don't argue. Don't explain away her perception of the problem. Don't tell her why her expectations are wrong. Just listen and make sure you understand the problem.

- Ask her if hitting helps solve the problem.

- Ask her to think of some ideas that WILL help solve the problem. Help her to brainstorm ideas that will help solve the problem. Pick one idea to try and have her go ahead and try it.

- If solving the problem did not involve doing this, then have her practice using her words to say "I'm angry." Instead of hitting. Listen to her and validate when she says I'm angry. When she uses her words, make it work for her!

- Ask her to check in with the person she hurt in her anger. This can be saying sorry, or giving a gentle touch or hug, or saying, "Are you okay?" Or whatever gentle way to "check in" that she can think of.

Overall -- be sure to listen and validate when she remembers to use words to express anger!


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## mariamaroo (Aug 15, 2004)

Thank you so much for the response. Those are GREAT suggestions, and I will definitely try them next time. Luckily (I guess&#8230;?) it's really just me that she has thrashed out at, so I don't have the extra guilt/shame/worry over her hurting someone else (so far, knock on wood!).

Yesterday and today I concentrated on giving her fewer choices, arguing and debating with her less, and generally trying to move back into an appropriate grownup role, which I was hoping would help her feel more secure and less as though she could push the envelope so far. It seems to have helped.

I also made sure to get her home and to bed earlier last night so she wouldn't have the overtired meltdown. She did fall apart and cry at the end of the night, but it didn't go so far. I did a lot of "we can talk about it when you're calmer", and did not let her draw me into the drama, which seemed to work pretty well too. When she threw her water bottle out of the bathtub in a fit of anger, I put it on the shelf.

The technique of naming her emotions for her has never worked well for us. She seems to get even more upset and say "I'm NOT angry" (or scared or sad or whatever), and I don't know how to deal with that response. I certainly don't want to get into a debate about whether she's angry! But I do want to help her learn to identify her emotions and do the right thing with them.

As a chronic black and white thinker, I have a hard time making some of those judgments!


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

My kids have no problem with admitting feeling angry, but I do understand about not wanting to talk about feelings, because they get very upset if I use words like sad or dissapointed. It is as if using those words makes it more true, kwim? What works really well with them is to focus on the "problem" and use the language of problem solving. So in validating their feelings, I am actually using validating words about the reality of the _problem_, and how its okay for them to view the situation as a problem.

Instead of saying, "I am angry," she could say, "I have a problem," or even, "There is a problem."


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## mavery (Jun 3, 2005)

I think those are great ideas and I will be stealing some of them... I wanted to add, the thing of her having to stay alone for a few minutes depends very much on the child. It doesn't sound like it was too hard for your dd but I have learned from experience that being "abandoned" after "misbehaviour" is devastating to my ds. The worst is if *I* try to take a few minutes alone, but in general I find it more effective to stay at least in the room with him. A lot of his challenging behaviour has to do with testing limits, though, and the idea that he has gone far enough to make us leave him is just too hard for him.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I wanted to add that role playing scenerios is invaluable. As in, "_Lets pretend this is happening again, and lets see what you can do to solve the problem now."_ The thing is -- when something is practiced and rehearsed, its a lot easier to reproduce in a heated moment. Because when she is furious and upset, its very difficult to pull out brand new words, phrases and coping skills.

If she can't get into acting it out, you can try with dolls or teddies. As a side benefit, the playtime together can be really helpful in terms of connecting.


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