# Is it OK to ignore your teen



## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

When they are being rude, mean, and nasty? When you have tried to do everything acceptable to make them happy and nothing is enough? When they just demand more and more and more? When you have asked them not to call you "dude" and they do it anyone just to piss you off? (And how could it be for any other reason when I say I don't want to be called dude, and she says, "Ok dude, whatever you say dude."

She wanted a soda and I didn't buy her one. She found one I had in my room I had been saving for myself for a couple days. I told her it was mine and to put it down. She shook it up several times and threw it on my bed.

I don't like my daughter very much right now and I don't know how to make things better since the only thing I think that would make her happy is for me to leave my DH (who does not abuse her or anything she just hates him for GP.) and cater to her every whim.








:

I don't know if I am looking for advise or just venting. Sigh.. Back to putting the groceries away and listening to her abuse.


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## orangefoot (Oct 8, 2004)

No advice or magic solution but I do sympathise


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Everyone has crappy days where they are crabby, I just ignore it sometimes. Or I might ask nicely if she wants to talk.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arduinna* 
Everyone has crappy days where they are crabby, I just ignore it sometimes. Or I might ask nicely if she wants to talk.










This has been going on for weeks (months really but worse in the last couple of weeks.) Talking consists of her demanding I do this that or the other. Telling me how much her life sucks or how much she hates this house. How horrible her sisters are and so on. Demanding I buy her things on a daily basis. Sigh.


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## rootzdawta (May 22, 2005)

Teenagers are some of the toughest folks to deal with. I wish I had advice or words of wisdom. But to answer your question, no, I don't think it's wrong to ignore it sometimes and I would ask if she wants to talk about anything too (like Arduinna said).


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## SusanElizabeth (Jun 2, 2006)

I am SO GLAD to hear that other people's teenagers act like this at times. (Oh - I'm sorry you're going through this AniT, I really am.) But sometimes I have a fear that my daughter acts like this because I've been a terrible mother.


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## Adastra (May 30, 2007)

I think boys are easier, but I sympathize!

My oldest son does get snotty and entitled sometimes. I've told him before "look, I like to do things for you if you're pleasant, but you've been so rude to me today, that helping you out is the last thing I want to do. So I'm not driving you to a friend's, giving you money for the movie, or whatever." A day or so of pleasant "no, sorry"s in response to all non-essential requests seems to change his attitude.

I used to try to be nicer, but once he cops an attitude, my helping him out just makes things worse and worse.


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## allgirls (Apr 16, 2004)

It is tough..I have a nearly 17 year old..and so you see there is light she is almost completely past this very disturbing phase of her life.

Read Hold on to your Kids. It has helped me a great deal and I have changed a lot of the way I think, do things with the kids now. I am hoping I have less trouble with the next 3 teens.

Also..look at whatever other stress there might be in their lives...stress plus hormones..not a good mix.

Good luck







s


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## MillingNome (Nov 18, 2005)

Quote:

I think that would make her happy is for me to leave my DH (who does not abuse her or anything she just hates him for GP.)
What does "GP" mean?

And yes, I do think it is ok to ignore someone as part of a cooling off period or a chance to think.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

GP = General Purpose


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## lab (Jun 11, 2003)

I don't think boys are easier!









I have a boy. And he ain't easy...

It's so funny, 'cause sometimes he will just randomly walk up to me, put his arm around me and say sweet stuff, like: I like it better when we don't argue. OR You know you love me. OR I'm just disrespectful because I'm a hormonal teenager!

All of this is said with a devious little grin!

But most of the time, he's mouthy, rude and horrible to be around.
And I mean horrible. Lately, he enjoys mouthing off in front of his friends. OH! And telling me that I suck and that his life sucks and I never do anything for him....

But I know he's in there.

And yes, aniT I would do exactly as previous posters have suggested. I have told my son on many occassions that I don't like the way he treats and that I don't have to be around that sort of behavior.


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## embers (Mar 24, 2006)

Quote:

Is it OK to ignore your teen........
Yes. It is.

Then, after you cool off and recollect YOURSELF, you must stop ignoring them and do whatever you can to help break the dynamics, collect the child, connect, and even rescue them from their own cycle. But it is okay to ignore a teen that is speaking and acting abusively... sometimes doing anything OTHER than ignoring is feeding into it and making it worse for them and you. I have been to the point of total disconnect and no response a few times with my teen. I follow it later with some serious footwork, but in the moment, it was much healthier than yelling, crying, raging, or otherwise REacting to him.


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## aniT (Jun 16, 2004)

We miss you embers.. come back to the "big" thread.









I am really not sure how to "collect" her. I went to Emily and Lyla's connected parenting work shop yesterday. I still have to read the pamphlet.. but honestly most of it seems directed at the younger kids. That way they grow up to be teens that are connected. What do you do when you have an unconnected teen who doesn't seem to want to connect?


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## smeisnotapirate (Aug 24, 2007)

I'm not a parent of a teen, but I was that girl about 6 years ago.

Now the underlying reasons aside, I wanted to talk to someone. I was in my "teenage wasteland" and I expected my parents to notice and stop EVERYTHING they were doing and help. I wanted my mom to come up to me and say "ok, what's going on? Talk to me," and then if I said "Nothing," make a big deal about it (because I would have said "nothing"). They didn't (they were "mainstream" parents and I never had a discussion with them in my entire lives), and I was left to sort things out alone or with my friends (who were just as screwed up if not worse).

Now I'm sure your relationship is much more healthy and supportive than mine was, but maybe you can drag your DD (kicking and screaming if need be) to dinner and a movie or something - just the two of you - and see what happens? It may be miserable, but you never know. It may be that she feels like she's fading off the face of the earth and some extra downtime with mom is just what she needs.

Good luck.


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## gradmama (Sep 2, 2007)

But......when they say "nothing", and follow it up with "leave me alone, why can't you just do that?" (said with a yell) -- what do you do? When you've said and done everything that you can think of to make yourself somebody that she would want to maybe allow to help her just one little tiny bit...

And she isn't even thirteen.


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## lachingona1 (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *smeisnotapirate* 

Now the underlying reasons aside, I wanted to talk to someone. I was in my "teenage wasteland" and I expected my parents to notice and stop EVERYTHING they were doing and help. I wanted my mom to come up to me and say "ok, what's going on? Talk to me," and then if I said "Nothing," make a big deal about it (because I would have said "nothing"). They didn't (they were "mainstream" parents and I never had a discussion with them in my entire lives), and I was left to sort things out alone or with my friends (who were just as screwed up if not worse).

Now I'm sure your relationship is much more healthy and supportive than mine was, but maybe you can drag your DD (kicking and screaming if need be) to dinner and a movie or something - just the two of you - and see what happens? It may be miserable, but you never know. It may be that she feels like she's fading off the face of the earth and some extra downtime with mom is just what she needs.

Good luck.

















:
That is exactly how I felt as a teen (of a single mom) I got pretty mouthy and rude and I think all I needed was to talk with my mom and spend more one on one time with her.


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## lunabelly (Jan 4, 2007)

My dd is not a teen yet (she's 10), but she's got a mouth on her sometimes. I've noticed that she's always in a better mood after she exercises and after we spend time alone together. Yesterday she was screaming at dss, and I just said, "put on your running shoes, we're going for a run."

I couldn't even speak to her for the first 20 minutes or so while running b/c I was so annoyed with her, but eventually we ran it out of us, and by the time we got home she was really happy, and we'd had a chance to talk about her issues.

So, I vote for more exercise. It really does balance the hormones.


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## smeisnotapirate (Aug 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gradmama* 
But......when they say "nothing", and follow it up with "leave me alone, why can't you just do that?" (said with a yell) -- what do you do? When you've said and done everything that you can think of to make yourself somebody that she would want to maybe allow to help her just one little tiny bit...

And she isn't even thirteen.

Yeah, in my teenage language "Why can't you leave me alone?" means "Do you really care enough about me to try to MAKE me feel better?" I know it doesn't make sense, but there it is. One of the reasons I never really felt connected to my mom was that she never said "Ok, something's obviously wrong, let's go do something. I don't care if you don't want to." It always felt like she was asking to be polite, not to fix anything.

If it looks like something's wrong, it is. Period. Go be detective mom and find it. (That run idea sounds FANTASTIC! No sports with a win/lose system, though. Just mindless exercise.)


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## kblackstone444 (Jun 17, 2007)

My son just turned twelve and just started with that teenage surlyness. We've gottne "What's wrong with you?", "Don't talk to me." and "You make me do everything." (for example, last night when he accidently knocked something over and I asked him to pick it up) Subscribing.


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## MarineWife (May 1, 2004)

I think there's a difference between ignoring and not responding emotionally. That's the key. Don't respond emotionally. If you don't like they way you've been treated, say so, like previous posters have said, and leave it at that. Don't get angry or hurt or upset. That's what seems to work best with my ds. I try not to respond emotionally, which sometimes means just looking at him passively while he rants and raves and sometimes saying I don't appreciate whatever and I'll talk to him when he's done. My dh gets angry and tries to argue or conjole and it only makes things worse.

I've just been trying this validating feelings thing again. It actually worked better with my 16yo than with my 3yo. I just stated back to him what he was expressing were his feelings and it really diffused the situation. I'm amazed that it worked because I was certain I'd get the rolling eyes and, "Mom! Stop being weird!", from him.


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## MaShroom (Jan 25, 2003)

I'm just usually really blunt. She knows I've got a lot on my plate and I don't have time to deal with any crap like that. I tell her that I think she's being a crab and when she's ready to knock it off, come talk to me, but until then go away. She goes away and usually when she comes back things are cool. We have a pretty good relationship and she calls me out when I'm being a crab too. Good luck, teens are an interesting bunch.


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