# I'm so jealous, so so jealous



## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

one of my best friends has a 17 yo niece that just had her baby today. i saw the update on Facebook. i knew she was pg and due soon and i thought i was ok with it. i know her niece and i love her. but when i looked closely at the picture, i saw that in the background was a flannel blanket with pink and blue footprints all over it. that is the SAME blanket that i sleep with every night. it has matthew's scent on it. my dead baby was wrapped in it and her screaming, healthy baby was lying next to it.

i have been doing really good, all things considered. the tears don't come so easily and the pain... well, i have to *access* the pain now, if that makes sense. i have to almost try to find the pain sometimes. but as soon as i saw that blanket in the picture, my throat swelled and i started to cry. now all i can see is matthew's face in my mind, feel his cold fingers.


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## Chloe'sMama (Oct 14, 2008)

I am sorry mama. Hugs to you.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so sorry. I've found that the grief really does come in waves, and I never know when something will trigger one of the downward turns. It would have upset me too to see that, especially with the little blanket being the same as Matthew's. It upsets me just to see anyone having babies on facebook. I've hidden anyone who's due soon from my newsfeed so that I don't get any unexpected baby news.

I'm so sorry that you don't have your Matthew with you.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Being caught unaware is so so hard.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

Oh Christie I am so sorry. I too am just so sorry you don't have Matthew w/you.


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## Jenifer76 (Apr 20, 2005)

Oh mama, I am so sorry.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

thanks, ladies.









i had been waiting to see the update, just *aching* to see a new baby picture. i guess i should have been expecting that it would hurt.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

The surprise pains are the worse.


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## kerrybennysmama (Jun 15, 2004)

I am so sorry for your pain. I agree that the worst is when you dont even see it coming. I have had to take some people off my facebook who were pregnant because it just hurt to much. I am wishing you peace today.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry, Christie.

It really sucks the way the pain can come and go. You pull yourself up and then something comes along to knock you back down for a bit.









Peace to you


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)




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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)




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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

I have been warned that mama's who suffer loss will inevitably have "moments", "triggers", and "those times"...









I'm so sorry


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## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

I'm so sorry. So so sorry.


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## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

Christie,
That would definately be painful to see. I remember a specific moment when I was in the grocery store shortly after Freja died. There was a baby with her parents ahead of me in the check-out line, and at first I almost switched lines because I didn't know if I could handle peering into the stroller to see a baby who was about the same age as Freja. But, for some reason I just felt the need to torture myself, so I looked. She had one of those super-soft plush blankets, similar to the one I chose to bury my daughter with. It really, really hurt to see that baby moving around happily under her blanket, knowing that my child was buried with hers.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

thanks, everyone.









alternamama, Matthew was buried in one of those super cuddly, plush blankets too.


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## LizaBear (Feb 1, 2003)

(( Christie ))

I'm a soccer coach. One of the boys mom's had a baby girl on the Friday before we had Jesse. It was so incredibly painful the first few weeks, and while it's still tugging at the heartstrings, I can go and talk to the mom now without breaking down completely.


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