# 2 1/2 year old PUSHING kids--please help!



## summerbabe (Nov 12, 2006)

I am feeling helpless and discouraged right now. My son will be 3 in August. He is my only child, is very active, has excellent motor and verbal skills, and is mostly happy and carefree except for the occasional small meltdown (really not bad considering his age). He is very sweet and thoughtful most of the time. The problem is, for the last 2 months or so, he has been ROUTINELY going up to smaller kids, completely unprovoked, and pushing them down. He goes to daycare 3 days a week, and they say he does not do it there. However, the kids in his class are all the same age. Outside of daycare, he has been doing it in all types of scenarios. Sometimes, you could be tempted to chalk it up to being overstimulated and overwhelmed, like at a baby shower late in the day with tons of people and a lot of kids. But then, he'll do it when it's just us and a friend with one other child, in a calm environment in the morning when he's at his best. When he does it, he doesn't look angry or anything, just very matter of fact. It's like he's compelled to do it.

I should mention that the parenting ideal I strive for is Unconditional Parenting. It is completely different from how I was raised so it goes against my automatic internal reactions, but I really work at it. But lately, I have been doing something resembling time-outs because I don't know what else to do at this point.

OK, so to try and address this behavior, first I took him aside and said "We don't push. Pushing hurts. He's crying because he is hurt (if the child is crying). Didn't work. I got the book "Hands are not for Hitting" and we add "and pushing". He likes to read the book, but no behavior change. All the while, I try to stay on top of him so I can intervene before he does it, but we all know how quick they are--this doesn't always work. I try to give attention to the pushed child first (even if his/her mom is there to do it). Once, I talked about it with him in the car on the way to a playdate. That backfired--he did it as soon as we got there--it was like I put the idea in his head. So after the above strategies didn't work, I stepped it up to telling him he may not push, it hurts, and I cannot let him do it because all the children need to feel safe. We use gentle hands only. One more chance, and if you do it again, we will have to leave. So he did it again and we went to the car, and he cried and cried, saying "I don't want to leave, I"ll be gentle, I'll be gentle." So I said OK, we'll try one more time, and he was fine after that.

So I had decided next time, we really WOULD leave, no matter how he cries and pledges reform. Except the last 2 times, we have been at home, so we can't really leave from here. The other day, we had my husband's 40th birthday party, and he pushed my friend's little boy down as usual, went up to him from across the room and did it. I had just sent my dad to follow him (we were taking turns patrolling him to try and intervene) and he didn't make it on time. We coudn't leave of course, since we were at home, so I took him to a quiet room and did the usual mantra. Later, I intervened while he was going after him again. I said "you can't play anymore since you're not being gentle" and took him upstairs and sat with him while he watched the other children continue playing out the window. I stayed with him and let him cry for awhile, then took him back when he said he wanted to play and would be gentle (he knows what to say on his own now). The heartening thing is, the same smaller child was crying at one point looking for his mom who was in another room, and DS went up to him and hugged him so sweetly. So it's not as if he doesn't also show love and empathy to other kids. I just can't get him to stop pushing! He is a big kid and since he has momentum from going up to them, sometimes they go down hard. I'm afraid he could really hurt a kid if they hit their head on concrete or a tile floor or something.

So today, I was watching my friend's child at our house--she is a girl his age. Like I said, usually it's smaller kids, but he was pushing her today. he acually got to her twice, but a couple other times I stopped him while he was going for her. So the second time he did it, I took him upstairs and put him behind the gate, and told him his friend would have to go home now since he couldn't play nicely, and I went back downstairs (in plain view of him, the way our stairs are situated) to apologize to the mother and see them out. He cried and cried, promised and promised to be gentle. I left him up there for a few minutes. So this essentially was a time-out, which I don't even believe in, but even in retrospect I am at a loss as to what else to do at this point. I brought him back down right before they left and told him he could choose to apologize (which he did) and let him say goodbye.

So, yes, I am very discouraged. I am at the point where unless I can come up with some different ideas, I may just try and avoid being with other kids for awhile. It makes me sad to have to do that, but I feel like we are spinning our wheels here, and I can't have another kid get hurt. Any help or input is much appreciated.


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## ainh (Jul 27, 2006)

My son is doing the same thing for the last 2-3 months...mostly kids that are shorter or younger than him. He "uses his words" sometimes, but then immediately pushes. He'll say "get away" and then shove them away. It's just terrible. I had to take him out of preschool b/c of it (as all his classmates started to become targets -- he's the tallest of the six kids in his coop).

I know what you mean about planting the idea. When I talk about it it gets noticeably worse.

We basically don't have people to our house any more. He's much better at other people's houses, as then he's intrigued by all the "new" toys and he doesn't have to share his treasured possessions. Also, then we can leave if need be.

It's really decreased my quality of life though. I feel isolated, as I can't just relax when I get together with other moms or at the park. And I also feel terrible that I may have done something to make my son act this way.

We did start seeing a chiropractor at the same time that we took him out of school. He's doing slightly better, but who knows why? Today we actually had a 98% good playdate...he only pushed over the younger sibling twice and once it was provoked (though he still should've resisted pushing, of course).


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## summerbabe (Nov 12, 2006)

giving this a little bump....any advice for Ainh and me?


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## Tennesseemommy (Feb 9, 2007)

No advise, but I felt like you were writing about my little boy (3yo).

I do wish that there was something that I could say that would be helpful, but I came to this forum for the same reason.

I sympathize with you and understand your frustration. Everyone tells me that it is a phase and it like all others will pass.

I will say that in my experience sticking to what I say always works (leaving the park, etc.) or helps I should say. I feel like he takes me seriously after I follow through. Sounds like you are on the right track. Maybe just being consistent is the key.

Good luck...


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## Disco Infiltrator (Jul 28, 2008)

First off, your son sounds very sweet.

I have a couple ideas but you may have already tried them. I think kids act up because it gains them attention - basically we all do things for positive reasons, even the bad things like pushing. Watch the situation and see what about the responses is giving him the attention he's seeking. It might also be something in your own response. What are you bringing to the party?

I work at a Montessori a long time ago and I remember that we weren't supposed to say "no" but to reflect what the victim might be feeling. Basically, "Johnny, do you think Sally likes it when you hit her?" Maybe a modified approach of telling DS how upset it makes the other kid to be pushed. "See Sally is really really sad because you pushed her." or "How do you feel when someone hurts you? Do you think Sally feels the same way?"

Another way I approach aggressive behavior is to tell DS that we don't hurt people or animals or anyone.

Lastly, this will pass!!! Hang in there. We too are using the Unconditional Parenting approach and it can be hard.


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## rzberrymom (Feb 10, 2005)

There's a 2 1/2 year old in our neighborhood that is constantly hitting and pushing the other children--the other day, he knocked my daughter in the face with a board game and then kicked another little girl in the face.

I do my best to keep my DD from getting hurt (sadly, mainly by avoiding this little boy until this phase passes







). But honestly I always wish that his mother would just remove him from the situation when it happens. Maybe have a cool-off spot that they go to when he starts to do this. Maybe go sit nearby and have a cuddle. But mainly, just get him away from the children (even if it just means going to the next room).

Oh, and I totally agree with the PP about the attention seeking and watching out for triggers.


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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Why do you think he's doing it? If you can figure out why, then you can help him figure out a better way to "say" what he's trying to say with pushing...

Is he trying to say hi and interact with the other kids? Teach him to introduce himself, shake hands, hug.

Is he frustrated? Teach him to hit the floor/stomp/say "I'm frustrated!"

Is he overwhelmed? Well...try to avoid getting him in that kind of situation, but it sounds like you're doing that.

Etc., etc.

Other posts have good suggestions too. I'm so sorry it's so frustrating and isolating right now! My good friend is going through this with her little one, and it's hard.


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## summerbabe (Nov 12, 2006)

Thanks so much for all the responses!

Disco--yes, I will try more of this...if the child was crying, I have pointed that out, but usually they are not (thankfully)...but I will talk to DS more about how they might be feeling nonetheless. I have been saying we don't push because it hurts, but your suggestion takes it a step further.

Rzberrymom--sorry to hear your daughter has been on the receiving end. As you can see from my post, I already am taking him away from the children--in the past to another room or the car, and now we leave entirely.

Carlyle--great suggestions...thus far I have not been able to figure it out, but I will keep trying!

And thanks to others who are going throught the same for responding--it helps to know when you're not alone!


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## bendingbirch (Mar 28, 2009)

I think I may have a bit of a different approach...sometimes both of my kids, particularly my youngest who is now 4 and a half, just went through phases developmentally where they did not interact with children of different ages well. And i just respected and honored that, because I could, I was home, the playdates and such were just not that important and we could skip them for awhile. We could mainly be at home, and do things that were great sensory experiences to get some of that energy out.

So, I guess I am saying , yes we guide this behavior, but we also pick the times we want to work on it.......If we did have to be somewhere with other children, I tried to pick the very best times in terms of not being tired, hungry, etc and I tried to structure things when we got there to do something in the beginning that was a bit solo, such as digging in a sandbox, progressing to taking turns with someone else in a sandbox with my modeling sharing and such, and then perhaps progressing toward some free play with another child. We also practiced being gentle with small things, but I didn't trust that a two and a half year old would be gentle all the time. We have to assume positive intent here that your son is just investigating what would happen -- you know how older babies will just stick their fingers in another baby's eyes? It is not malicious, they just don't even realize that other baby is not an extension of them and where they end and the other child begins, and what the eyes are about anyway! We guide it, but we don't expect complete control or mastery.

I don't know if that makes sense at all, but at two and a half, I felt it was more my responsibility to structure things for my child than to expect a two and a half year old to know how to interact with kids big and small....If your son is in daycare with other children his age in an environment he knows, he seems to know what to do there in this familiar place with familiar faces. But, it may be a different story in places where he is not as familiar and with kids he doesn't see as many times a week.

Also, many times two and a half year olds really do just like being home. He is getting a lot of social interaction through daycare already, maybe he is telling you at this point in his development phase he just needs some down time with you at home as much as possible and when he is ready and through this developmental phase he will be ready for more social interaction.

Please do just take what resonates with you, I can only share my own experiences and you know your son best, please take what works for you and your family. if you look at my blog www.theparentingpassageway.com at the tag box "Children Under Age 7" there may be posts in there that would spark ideas for you as well.

Hope that helps!


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## summerbabe (Nov 12, 2006)

Thanks Carrie, this really does resonate...I had pretty much come to the decision that we will skip the playdates and playground trips for awhile and give him a chance to outgrow this impulse, but I was feeling kind of bad about having to do that. Your post helps me see that in a more positive light.


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## Disco Infiltrator (Jul 28, 2008)

We have the opposite problem - a very non-aggressive toddler who ends up being trampled by the other totally normal, more aggressive toddlers - and our answer has been to stay home.

I think toddlers just don't need a huge amount of socialization. There will be lots of opportunities in the future for friends and cooperative play and learning how to be around other kids. Sometimes I feel there is this huge push to get kids playing together before they're developmentally ready just because of the fear that our kids going to be the odd-kid out. Truthfully, I'm 38 and have spent a long time coming to terms with the fact that I'm introverted, I am not a huge people person, I have a handful of friends, and that thats all OKAY. If my son is like me, I want him to not have to spend as much time as I have coming to accept it.

I blab on. Carrie's post really resonated with me as well. Thank you so much for it.


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