# "Good mothers..." (MIL vent)



## holothuroidea (Mar 30, 2008)

My MIL visited yesterday for my birthday.

She was trying to convince me to start DD (4 months) on solids, so that she'll sleep through the night. I told her that we really don't mind waking up for her, and it's not a big deal to us. She told me "Good Italian mothers make sure their husbands get a full night's sleep." If I was a good wife to her son, I'd make sure the baby was STTN so he would never have to wake up.







:

This was just the beginning. Later on, I coudn't find batteries that I needed. I asked DH where they were, and he put them in a place that I couldn't reach them (which is fine, because he moved them). MIL said "That's what you get for making him do women's work."










She pretty much spent the whole night making me feel worthless, like I didn't deserve DH or DD. She kept telling me about "Good Italian mothers.."









The worse part of it is that I do EVERYTHING. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, finances, 90% of baby care. She made it seem like I wasn't "pulling my weight" because DH changes a diaper occasionally and will do the dishes if I ask him to (which is almost never). She basically wants me to be a slave because that's how she was raised. (BTW, I would NEVER raise my daughter that way).

I know it's a lot of BS, and she's still living in 18th century Italy, but she's my MIL and I respect her opinion. I've been down on myself all day because of this. I know it's because I spent 4 days in the hospital for severe depression and DH had to take care of the baby.

I am so







:














:

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I'd be tempted to tell her something like "Good Italian Mothers-in Laws treat their daughters-in-law with respect!"

It sounds to me like your DH needs to have a heart-to-heart with his mom, explaining that you're not 100% healthy right now, and that he's had to pick up the slack while you were hospitalized and recovering. He needs to tell her that he is NOT to talk to his wife that way, especially not when you're still vulnerable.

He also needs to explain that you and he have a relationship that works. It's _different_ than what MIL and FIL have/had, but it's not better or worse. This isn't about HER. This isn't a value judgement on her parenting or her housekeeping skills. She needs to butt out and stop telling you (both of you) how to parent and how to run your marriage, if she wants to be involved with your lives.


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## abharrington (Jun 30, 2007)

oh....hugs mama!! what a horrible way to treat you, especially with your mood down a little right now. if anything, maybe she is jealous and feeling insecure because you ARE doing such a good job taking care of your dh and dc. and what a blessing to have a dh that is willing and able to help you. try not to let her comments get you down!


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

"And good Italian MIL's shut their big fat traps!"







Holy cow mama, I'd go ape on that woman! You need to put her in her place, like, right now.


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## mntnmom (Sep 21, 2006)

"Maybe there's a reason your son didn't marry a good Italian!!"

At least that's what I hope I'd say. When I get down on myself about DH's mom and sister being so clean/organized/successful, DH reminds me that he could never be married to his mom or his sister without going to jail for homicide!! He married me for a reason, just like your DH married you.


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## srneda78 (Jun 4, 2008)

Sometimes MILs don't know when to leave it alone...and it sounds like she kept going on and on







. I know you want her to respect you and you value her opinion, but sometimes you just have to







when she talks to you like that. Or, you could be like me and get really







and yell at your MIL. I don't think you want to do that. When DD was first born and she was crying a lot when nursing, my MIL kept saying, "Maybe you can't breastfeed. Maybe you don't have enough milk. Many women don't. I think you should give her formula." I wanted to







: and







her. Instead, I yelled at her. I know it's not right, but I asked her many times to stop criticizing me or questioning me. At the hospital, she kept asking the nurses, "Is my grandbaby being starved? Does she need some formula?" I lost it more than once.

So, I want to let you know that you're not alone and MILs can be a pain in the butt. You should stand up for yourself, though. Don't yell at her like I did because that's not good either, but at least tell her that you and DH are happy with your relationship and shared responsibilities next time she starts. My FIL doesn't lift his finger to do anything inside the house. He sees my DH doing things and sometimes teases him. But we are secure in our shared responsibilities. His parents are Romanian, so it's different there too.

Anyway, here's a







. I hope it gets better.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

My MIL used to like to make comments like that until the day I reached the end of my rope & said "Yep, I'm a terrible wife. It's my fault the house is a mess, my fault he's fat (one of the "issues" was his/my weight), my fault for everything. And that's just not going to change."

I don't know I would recommend that sort of thing but it sure did work.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

She's insecure and jealous and trying to spread a little misery around. Pay her no mind, and I agree that DH needs to step up and tell her to cut it out. If he won't do that, you're well within your rights to do it yourself. And don't worry about being polite--she sure isn't.

A "good Italian mother" doesn't verbally abuse her clinically depressed DIL. You don't have to tolerate it either.


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## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

I am so sorry that she made you feel like crap. I always try to remember that what people say is about them and not about you, what she is saying is coming from her own insecurities, ideas, history, baggage, etc

I have a MIL that does everything around the house, FIL has no idea how to do laundry or cook anything! Anyway thankfully DH did learn how to look after himself when he went to university. When we first got together and I moved in with DH his mother would say stuff like "Scarlett should have dinner on the table when you get home" or "Scarlett should keep the house cleaner" blah blah blah...Anyway he just told her point blank that he did not want me to be a slave to his family like she was to hers, that he would rather have a happy wife he could spend time with then one stuck in the kitchen full of resentment and using guilt to get people to spend time with her because she was so bitter. I would talk to your DH and have him talk to her.

Also I know she is your MIL but she certainly hasn't shown that she respects you and you do not owe her any respect.

Don't let her get to you Mama, she doesn't deserve that much power over you.









Oh and my MIL critiquing of me got her no invites to our house, limit supervised visitation with DS and reduced visits from her own son. I refuse to allow anyone to treat me like @#$%. We actually have a pleasant relationship now and she no longer complains about me but it is a relationship on my and DH's terms!


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## library lady (Sep 3, 2007)

For some mothers, no woman is ever good enough for her little boy. I tried to be nice and good to my MIL even though she questioned everything I did and would make remarks to DH about me. Anyway, I told DH he needed to say or do something but he couldn't/wouldn't do it. DH was raised in a very Irish Catholic household and he could never disrespect his mother like that.







:

So, fast forward. We have been married for 10 years and I finally had enough. I sent the old battle ax an e-mail and told her that I was sorry that I do not live up to her standards and that I am sorry that I suck as a mother and wife but that is just too bad. I told her that I would not interfere with her relationship with her son if she would stop trying to interfere with my relationship with DH and that her meddling was going to push us into a divorce if she didn't knock it off. Anyway, she never responded but she hasn't spoken to me since and she has quit telling DH crap. We are expecting a our 4th girl any day now so instead of talking to me or DH she talks to my dad about how disappointed she is that we are not having a boy to carry on the family name. It wasn't a good idea to tell my dad that. My dad set her straight.

If you or somebody else doesn't stand up to her, it will go on forever. It is a pain when you are depressed and have somebody constantly nitpicking every little thing you do and nobody will stand up for you.


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## Belia (Dec 22, 2007)

Geesh. Nice birthday present......

I'm so sorry you're feeling undermined, mama. It's easy for us to think of snappy comebacks, but when you're the mother of an infant and you've already struggled with depression, it's easy to believe the worst about yourself.

Her idea of a "good Italian mother" sounds awful and outdated. If it's working for you and DH, then that's all that matters.

Hang in there, mama!


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## wildmonkeys (Oct 4, 2004)

Yeah







: Happy Birthday!!! You with a new baby and a birthday party to boot









Sorry about your day! I am sorry if I missed this, but are YOU even Italian?


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Has anyone noticed how many threads there are where the DH will not support their wives when it comes to their own mothers!!!

What a bunch of wimps these men are!

I would would quietly pull MIL aside and let her know that if she wants to have a relationship with her son and grandchildren she needs to stop it now!!

and I would definitely limit the visits for a while - just so she gets the message.

Hugs to you - I hope you have a wonderful christmas.
-
ps -- I have a friend who was a counselor and she said something to me 22 years ago that has helped me through life:

"*Never Ever Let Anyone determine Your self worth!!! " Nobody gets to do that!!!*


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *holothuroidea* 
but she's my MIL and I respect her opinion.

Why?

Respect has to be earned and it's a two way street. I don't see her showing you any respect as her son's wife and her grandchild's mother.

-Angela


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## Peppermint Leaf (Jan 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *alegna* 
Why?

Respect has to be earned and it's a two way street. I don't see her showing you any respect as her son's wife and her grandchild's mother.

-Angela


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## pear-shaped (Dec 1, 2007)

Happy Birthday!

Good Italian mothers!







Does your MIL know that in Italy 1) there is a much higher rate of breastfeeding than in the US and 2) very few families have separate rooms for infants, which means that there are a lot of Italian babies who wake up during the night, Italian mothers who soothe them, and Italian fathers who just deal! Like my husband does.

I am fortunate because my MIL is on the same page about breastfeeding, etc. as we are, so I don't get that kind of criticism. There are other members of my husband's family who don't always approve of the way I do things and telling them, "well, dh chose not to marry an Italian woman," shuts them up. I also just say that I'm an American, so I do things the American way...

Maybe you could tell her that you are a "good American mother."

Don't take what she says seriously. She has a seriously outdated view that isn't even typical of most families in Italy any more!


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## Blu Razzberri (Sep 27, 2006)

I haven't read the rest of the responses, but I'd be so inclined to say (in a jokingly serious way) that "Good Italian Mothers-in-Law know when to stop dispensing unsolicited advice."







Sounds to me like you're taking it hard because you're down already, but that you otherwise realize that she's just "old fashioned". She's obviously not *that* old fashioned, because her good Italian son is helping you with the things she says he shouldn't be (...that you shouldn't be _making_ him help with, you evil woman, you!







...), and he had to learn that from somewhere.


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

I lived in Italy for 4 years looking after kids, when the mom had her baby the MIL and mother to the mom came in and looked after the house, cooked, cleaned, the ironing, washing .. well everything so that the mom could nurse and look after her baby - that's what good italian grandmas do, this went on for the first 3/4 months or so apart from on the weekend when they only came in with an evening banquet on saturday and sunday lunch after mass!!! As a recompense the grandmas got to push new babe around for an hour or so on a Sunday afternoon in the Piazza to 'show off' their new grandchild!! I find that the ex-pat italians (with not much Italian left there) cling more to the unreaslistic aspects of what they consider to be a 'good italian woman' my sister's MIL is a prime example.


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## donnaworkingmomto4 (Oct 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ewe+lamb* 
I lived in Italy for 4 years looking after kids, when the mom had her baby the MIL and mother to the mom came in and looked after the house, cooked, cleaned, the ironing, washing .. well everything so that the mom could nurse and look after her baby - that's what good italian grandmas do, this went on for the first 3/4 months or so apart from on the weekend when they only came in with an evening banquet on saturday and sunday lunch after mass!!! As a recompense the grandmas got to push new babe around for an hour or so on a Sunday afternoon in the Piazza to 'show off' their new grandchild!! I find that the ex-pat italians (with not much Italian left there) cling more to the unreaslistic aspects of what they consider to be a 'good italian woman' my sister's MIL is a prime example.

I wish my Italian mother followed this philosophy!

To the OP -- just like all the others said, it's not you, it's her.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I'd want to kick her the heck out of the house. I'd have your dh talk to her and tell her how good mothers-in-law behave.


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## accountclosed3 (Jun 13, 2006)

if her opinion is narrow, warped, or doesn't apply, why "respect" it?

i would have said " DH and i agree that we enjoy living this way. we are a good family." in fact, i have said it to my MIL.


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## candipooh (Jun 22, 2004)

She sounds like my MIL. good Mexican mothers must be a lot like Good Italians.

On a good note, I have not seen her in almost 2 years.


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## WeasleyMum (Feb 27, 2007)

I'd would just tit-for-tat...

"Oh yeah? Well good, Italian MOTHERS-IN-LAW, ____!"

or, (I don't know if you, too, are Italian?), "Well good AMERICAN (or whatever) wives, prefer a partnership with their husbands (or whatever)"

She'll get tired of that game pretty quickly, I bet.

Don't let her just nag and pick on you!


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## ckmannel (Oct 16, 2008)

OP I feel you. we are about to embark on a hellish 24 hour rip with a 4 mo. old to spend two weeks with my in-laws. the first question they asked me when i came to dinner to meet them was "please tell me you're not a liberal?!" Yeah. so i get the this-lady's-not-good-enough thing. perhaps telling her that overbearing criticism and pushiness makes you distance yourself from her advice more than it makes you inclined to accept it. everyone wants to feel like they are getting through to their intended recipient, so maybe telling her more constructive ways to get through to you would help. just my 2 cents. good luck. happy belated birthday and i really hope that you start feeling better.


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## shanniesue2 (Jul 4, 2007)

if that's how good italian women behave it's a good thing I have no intention of ever becoming one!!


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## rmzbm (Jul 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I'd want to kick her the heck out of the house. I'd have your dh talk to her and tell her how good mothers-in-law behave.

For real. I'd do more than "want" though, she'd be gone.


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## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

I'm going to move this out to the general parenting forum since it's less about parenting a baby and more about dealing with a MIL who criticizes your parenting choices.


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## SAHDS (Mar 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Peppermint Leaf* 
Has anyone noticed how many threads there are where the DH will not support their wives when it comes to their own mothers!!!

What a bunch of wimps these men are!

*THANK YOU!* I have been noticing this recurring phenomenon and was about to post those exact words. I do NOT get it. I would murder DH in his sleep (







<--- snark) if he ever let *anyone* talk to me like that.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Repeat after me:

"I think it's time for you to go."


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I think I'd make the dh do it. "Either she goes or the kids and I go. Should I book a hotel for us or her?"


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## YesandNo (Mar 16, 2008)

The woman only has as much power as you give her. Honestly. If I were you, the only reply I'd give to comments like that is an amused shrug.


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## miche28 (Sep 16, 2006)

If it helps at all, I spent two weeks in Italy visitng family this summer and I can tell you that Italian mothers most certainly do wake up their husbands in the night when the baby cries.

And that if they didn't, it's probably because they typically have a very welldeveloped support network of mothers and MIL who do a lot of the baby care (for good or ill).

And that having been a mother here and been a mother there (for a short while), husbands have a better deal here (and so do mothers, really). Parenting your baby is what makes it worth having a baby - if you just want something cute and cuddly, cats are a much smaller investment







.

A very effective tool I've found is to reduce the visits and cut them short when she's out of line - there's no sense in arguing about it and she'll get the drift that these things aren't up for discussion. (Or you won't see her very much, same effect).


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## Swan3 (Aug 5, 2008)

Aw man. As someone who's been through (and is experiencing depression) I think there are many things to consider.

It's totally disrespectful for her to speak to you this way and it's hard as mothers to let the "Good mothers should" messages bounce off of us. If you're like me, you've probably got enough negative self-talk just from depression without adding your MIL's







to the mix. I remember doing an exercise about all the messages I'd heard about what a "good mother should do" and turned it into what a good mother "does/can do" replacing some of the negative messages with realistic ones that respected my parenting. I hope I'm making sense.
Example:
Should message: Good mothers should always be looking for educational and stimulating activities for their children.
Can message: Good mothers allow their babies to be stimulated by the world around them as well as through interaction with mom.

It's hard to imagine, but you don't HAVE to internalize what she's saying. YOu can even tell her (politely) that you don't accept her view and most importantly - tell yourself that.

At the end of the day, this isn't about you. She's probably threatened by the fact that you have chosen a different path and may even see that DH's choosing a wife not of the same ethnicity as a rejection of HER.

I do think it's worth talking about with hubby, that you are hurt by her criticisms of you and that you would like it to stop. If he's not willing to address it, he should accept that you will....

Just my two cents.

And don't let the "should" messages get under your skin. You know what you do every day, and most importantly - your DD knows what you do! You're doing great!


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## jennlyn (Jul 15, 2007)

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but if you DH does not stand up to her and soon, it is unlikely that he ever will. He needs to stand up for his wife and child, you are a family now and while he can still respect his parents, his primary concern should be for your welfare, not if mama's feelings are hurt. Old-country theory is that man earns paycheck, woman does everything else under the sun. Maybe that was ok with your mil, but that doesn't mean she should be guilting you to follow that system. Yes, there are men who will choose to please mama/daddy above pleasing you. Better to find out sooner than later and if he can't cut the apron strings it may be time to move on or reconcile yourself to being somewhere near the bottom of your dh's priority list.


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## HrCreuzi (Dec 5, 2008)

Hugs and so sorry she's being like that. My mom put up with hearing things like that from her MIL. She grabbed us kids, sat in the car and wen my dad asked what was up, she told him either his mom goes or she does. My dad went in, told his mom to stop criticizing or there would be no grandkid visits and they left for a hotel.

My MIL has sort of critiqued us and tried to guide us, but thankfully she's backed off when we tell her and Adam stands up to her.

I wouldn't value anything she says until she learns to respect you!


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *library lady* 
For some mothers, no woman is ever good enough for her little boy. I tried to be nice and good to my MIL even though she questioned everything I did and would make remarks to DH about me. Anyway, I told DH he needed to say or do something but he couldn't/wouldn't do it. *DH was raised in a very Irish Catholic household and he could never disrespect his mother like that.







:*

So, fast forward. We have been married for 10 years and I finally had enough. I sent the old battle ax an e-mail and told her that I was sorry that I do not live up to her standards and that I am sorry that I suck as a mother and wife but that is just too bad. I told her that I would not interfere with her relationship with her son if she would stop trying to interfere with my relationship with DH and that her meddling was going to push us into a divorce if she didn't knock it off. Anyway, she never responded but she hasn't spoken to me since and she has quit telling DH crap. We are expecting a our 4th girl any day now so instead of talking to me or DH she talks to my dad about how disappointed she is that we are not having a boy to carry on the family name. It wasn't a good idea to tell my dad that. My dad set her straight.

If you or somebody else doesn't stand up to her, it will go on forever. It is a pain when you are depressed and have somebody constantly nitpicking every little thing you do and nobody will stand up for you.


I don't get this (bolded part). WHY is it okay for the MIL to disrespect you, his wife, but defending you would be disrespectful to her?

It makes no sense.


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *holothuroidea* 
My MIL visited yesterday for my birthday.

She was trying to convince me to start DD (4 months) on solids, so that she'll sleep through the night. I told her that we really don't mind waking up for her, and it's not a big deal to us. She told me "Good Italian mothers make sure their husbands get a full night's sleep." If I was a good wife to her son, I'd make sure the baby was STTN so he would never have to wake up.







:

This was just the beginning. Later on, I coudn't find batteries that I needed. I asked DH where they were, and he put them in a place that I couldn't reach them (which is fine, because he moved them). MIL said "That's what you get for making him do women's work."










She pretty much spent the whole night making me feel worthless, like I didn't deserve DH or DD. She kept telling me about "Good Italian mothers.."









The worse part of it is that I do EVERYTHING. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, finances, 90% of baby care. She made it seem like I wasn't "pulling my weight" because DH changes a diaper occasionally and will do the dishes if I ask him to (which is almost never). She basically wants me to be a slave because that's how she was raised. (BTW, I would NEVER raise my daughter that way).

I know it's a lot of BS, and she's still living in 18th century Italy, but she's my MIL and I respect her opinion. I've been down on myself all day because of this. I know it's because I spent 4 days in the hospital for severe depression and DH had to take care of the baby.

I am so







:














:

Thanks for letting me vent.


What on Earth could you possibly respect with that poor excuse for a mother/MIL/human being. She knows you have had issues and she badgers you about how bad her son has it? Shame.

She should have been shown the door.

I don't care if it is his mother, you are not to be treated like a lowly servant/maid. You are the wife and the mother of his child. You come before his mother and he should have told her to knock it off or leave.

Housework is not "women's work". Childcare is not "women's work". The sooner that people get their heads out of their butts and understand that, the better off we all will be.


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## library lady (Sep 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TinkerBelle* 
I don't get this (bolded part). WHY is it okay for the MIL to disrespect you, his wife, but defending you would be disrespectful to her?

It makes no sense.

Nope, it doesn't make sense at all. I don't think DH did anything intentionally. His mother is very controlling and tends to belittle anything that is different. Frankly, DH is scared of his mother. I wasn't able to figure all of that out until I had to live with her. DH moved several states away and had forgotten/repressed the pain that his mother has inflicted on him during his life time. I think he was finally cured of the desire to please his parents.

During our ten years of marriage, we lived several states away and only talked to his parents on the phone and we might visit with them once a year. It is easy to blow off somebody that you never see. DH never realized how bad his mother disrespected me. We had to live with her for about 6 months last year and I felt like she put on her best behavior to DH and then would take him aside and tell him how bad I was. It wasn't until we moved out and went back to my home state that we were able to put all of the pieces together. DH wrote her a very watered down e-mail defending me but I wasn't pleased with it so I took matters into my own hands.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zoebird* 
if her opinion is narrow, warped, or doesn't apply, why "respect" it?

i would have said " DH and i agree that we enjoy living this way. we are a good family." in fact, i have said it to my MIL.


I agree. I will go even further and say that I wouldn't play the games some other posters suggest. I would either say what zoebird said, ask her to leave if she can't respect me, or look her square in the eye and ask, unblinking, calmly and firmly, "mother in law, are you calling me a bad mother?" and sit there a few moments silent as she stumbles all over herself.

I would then say, "if you cannot respect me in my home, you are encouraged to leave".

No one treats *anyone* (me, dh, dd, the cat lol) like that in our home, I don't care if it is the darn Pope himself. That is just plain MEAN.


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## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ewe+lamb* 
I lived in Italy for 4 years looking after kids, when the mom had her baby the MIL and mother to the mom came in and looked after the house, cooked, cleaned, the ironing, washing .. well everything so that the mom could nurse and look after her baby - that's what good italian grandmas do, this went on for the first 3/4 months or so apart from on the weekend when they only came in with an evening banquet on saturday and sunday lunch after mass!!! As a recompense the grandmas got to push new babe around for an hour or so on a Sunday afternoon in the Piazza to 'show off' their new grandchild!! I find that the ex-pat italians (with not much Italian left there) cling more to the unreaslistic aspects of what they consider to be a 'good italian woman' my sister's MIL is a prime example.









Well said.

I would also add that she apparently isn't familiar with the well known Italian saying:
Happy wife, happy life!

She definitely needs to stop with the harping, and your husband needs to tell her to knock it off.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

I'm sorry, I missed the part where your dh stood up for his WIFE and demanded his mother apologize and/or leave! I couldn't respect my husband if he ever let anybody speak to me that way. This is YOUR house too and you should not allow anybody to come into YOUR home and disrespect you like that.

Also, respect is EARNED!!! She's done nothing to earn being treated with respect. She has, however, earned a swift kick in her @ss the next time she behaves this way.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

OP, you need to print out this entire thread and give it to your DH. Tell him to read, digest it, and then when you both have 10 min (hahaha) sit down and discuss it - kindly and respectfully. You both may have a bit of hurt and disagreement, but if you are both open, surely you can find a compromise.

Then agree to a plan, stick to it, and combat your MIL negative, hurtful comments with it. This needs to be taken care of now. The longer you do nothing, the longer and harder it will be for everyone to change rolls. By doing nothing, you are only sending MIL the clear message that her behavior is acceptable. And it is NOT acceptable.


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## YesandNo (Mar 16, 2008)

Quote:

I couldn't respect my husband if he ever let anybody speak to me that way.
I think this is kind of an odd way to look at it. It makes the person being insulted so _passive_. I mean, if I learned that my MIL was being very derisive of me when I wasn't there and he was, yes I would be annoyed if he didn't stand up for me. But if I am in the room, I think I have more responsibility than he does to deal with the situation.

My MIL isn't too bad, but when she does something that irritates or insults me, my husband and I tend to let it roll off our backs and laugh about it later. But then, she has never been nearly as rude to me as OP's MIL was to her.


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## Amys1st (Mar 18, 2003)

Hugs to you!

As an Italian who had 2 brothers and a father who are Italian, there is a reason I married an Irish man!! You could not pay me to marry an italian esp one who has an Italian mother who is alive to boot.

Believe me, Italian mothers (such as myself) dont make their dhs do woman's work- they do anything because it has to be done. I could just imagine the scene if my dh told me something was woman's work. The only work he cannot do- nurse on demand! And believe me all the italian mothers in the world could not get my dd1 to sleep thru the night on a belly of solids. She slept thru the night when she was ready.

I am sorry you have to go thru this. Maybe you can get lucky and she will catch a boat back to Italy.


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## Jennifer3141 (Mar 7, 2004)

I feel sorry for your MIL in that she has such low expectations for how men treat her.









My DH and I made a rule when we got together. I handle my parents. He handles his. We each get to decide the amount of contact between our extended families and us.

And each of us confronts our own parents when they've crossed a line. Your DH needs to ovary up and tell his mom to knock it off next time she's around. What a horrible thing for your DD to hear! Would your DH want that for his DD??


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *YesandNo* 
I think this is kind of an odd way to look at it. It makes the person being insulted so _passive_. I mean, if I learned that my MIL was being very derisive of me when I wasn't there and he was, yes I would be annoyed if he didn't stand up for me. But if I am in the room, I think I have more responsibility than he does to deal with the situation.

My MIL isn't too bad, but when she does something that irritates or insults me, my husband and I tend to let it roll off our backs and laugh about it later. But then, she has never been nearly as rude to me as OP's MIL was to her.

I respectfully disagree. His mother, his problem, his responsibility to step up to the plate, be a REAL man, and demand HIS mother show his wife some respect or leave.


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

Sweet Jesus Mary and Joseph. I take back everything I have ever said about my own MIL.

Your MIL does not deserve your respect simply because she is your MIL, she's not god or the president or what have you. And she showed you absolutely no respect, in your own home to boot. You owe her nothing.

It is not disrespectful to your MIL to open up your mouth and tell her that what she is saying is inappropriate and hurtful. And your DH needs to tell his mama to back off.

I am so sorry that she brought you down so far. You are doing the best you can for your little family and your home and if it's not good enough her then maybe she shouldn't visit.















:


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## jennlyn (Jul 15, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2pinks* 
I respectfully disagree. His mother, his problem, his responsibility to step up to the plate, be a REAL man, and demand HIS mother show his wife some respect or leave.

I agree, but yes, there are men who simply cannot bear to have mother/daddy angry at them for any reason/length of time. It just upsets them terribly to have the family upset at them. Try being a wife that has been upset by the in-laws and then has to deal with a husband who is now upset at her for getting into it with them. Blech!


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## TinkerBelle (Jun 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennlyn* 
I agree, but yes, there are men who simply cannot bear to have mother/daddy angry at them for any reason/length of time. It just upsets them terribly to have the family upset at them. Try being a wife that has been upset by the in-laws and then has to deal with a husband who is now upset at her for getting into it with them. Blech!


I have been. I feel your pain.

The thing is, that is not a real man. That is an immature little boy, IMHO. How can they put the feelings of their parents above those of their wives, is beyond me. Good golly do some people need to grow up before they marry.


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## Marylizah (Jun 17, 2005)

, OP.

I, too have an invasive MIL who knows no boundaries and who stayed with us for 6 months while DS was a newborn and was really disrespectful of me.

I know you want her to like you and approve of you.

It may not happen, though. And that's ok. The people who decide if you are a good wife and mother are your husband and your child, not your MIL.

I agree that your husband needs to draw a line with his mom. It doesn't have to be done in anger, but it does have to be done.

Please be gentle with yourself, you are in a fragile place. Focus on the people who are really important-- yourself, your DH and your child.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennlyn* 
I agree, but yes, there are men who simply cannot bear to have mother/daddy angry at them for any reason/length of time. It just upsets them terribly to have the family upset at them. Try being a wife that has been upset by the in-laws and then has to deal with a husband who is now upset at her for getting into it with them. Blech!

I wouldn't be a wife to someone like that quite frankly. My dh's mother tried to act up, dh immediately shot her down but goooood and she hasn't done anything since. BOYS like this actually phsically repulse me.

If you're not ready to be the husband and father/wife/mother you need to be, then you're not ready to get married. Period.


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## library lady (Sep 3, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2pinks* 
I wouldn't be a wife to someone like that quite frankly. My dh's mother tried to act up, dh immediately shot her down but goooood and she hasn't done anything since. BOYS like this actually phsically repulse me.

If you're not ready to be the husband and father/wife/mother you need to be, then you're not ready to get married. Period.

You are correct in theory but many moms don't show that side until AFTER their little boys get married and have kids and then it is too late. My DH always stood up for me and we never had problems at all with his mother until after we had kids. I always thought she was a great MIL until kids came on the scene.


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## 2pinks (Dec 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *library lady* 
You are correct in theory but many moms don't show that side until AFTER their little boys get married and have kids and then it is too late. My DH always stood up for me and we never had problems at all with his mother until after we had kids. I always thought she was a great MIL until kids came on the scene.

Yes, i will certainly agree with you there. Many MIL's are just great, fabulous, etc until there is an actual marriage or grandchildren. I was honestly referring to situations where the MIL was truly a MIL from h3ll from the get-go, boyfriend/fiancee did NOTHING to protect future wife, etc. and yet they still got married hoping things would get better after the wedding.


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## bscal (Feb 13, 2006)

I married an Italian too. So I've BTDT. Thankfully we are in GA and the ILs are in PA... a good 16 hour car trip away. We visited once per year (MIL passed away last January).

Anyhow, my MIL always had an opinion as well on how I should do things around the house and "women's work" and that sort of thing. She NEVER said anything in front of DH though. And I didn't want to "tattle" and was trying to just do my own thing and ignore her "advice"... until I went out for a Girl's Night Out with some friends, leaving the kids home with DH. (Btw, the kids were 3 1/2 and 1 at the time, #3 wasn't here yet.) She called and when he answered the phone (unusual b/c normally I answer) she asked where I was. When he said I was out, she commented on how nice it was of him to BABYSIT for me so I could go out without the little ones!!! He got MAD and told her that him staying home with the kids was NOT babysitting, it was called being a father. Then (he was on a roll) he told her that she was NOT to comment anymore on "women's work" and he feels it is important for a man to pitch in at home as much as he can to help the family and home run smoother. I was amazed! And she never said another word.

Those Italian MILs are very careful not to tick off their darling sons... so just a few disapproving words from your DH will probably stop that.

Beth


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i am an italian mother... so is every other woman who has children on my moms side of the family. the only thing i can think of that ALL italian mothers i have ever meet have in common is excessive involvement in the lives of their offspring and gold medals in worrying and nagging. have you ever read 'how to survive life in an italian family'? its funny... and definitely an exaggeration... but it might help you roll you eyes and laugh at your crazy in laws.









oo and um dp doesn't get a full nights sleep.... a full belly.... but not a full nights sleep... she's backwards... food is really the most important thing. tell her i said her mamma would be disappointed.

also if you google the italian word for MIL suocera (i think.. sometimes i confuse my very limited spanish and italian) - wiki says it is 1. MIL 2. Nagging woman.


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## raelize (Jun 17, 2006)

" then its a good thing i'm not italian!"


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rachel_eva* 
" then its a good thing i'm not italian!"









... funny.. but i don't recommend actually saying it


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