# WWYD in a situation where a two year old dumps things everywhere and refuses to pick anything up?



## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Last night my ds (28 months) was going around dumping everything...first it was his whole basket of mr. potato head stuff (he got it for christmas). Then he walked away and went to dump out all his pens/pencils/markers out of his pencil box.

DH saw this and said to DS: Okay if you are done with the mr. potato stuff you need to pick it up. DS procedes to act like he didn't hear with a sneaky grin on his face and starts kicking the pencils everywhere.

DH picks up DS (gently) and brings him back to the potato head stuff. DS refuses to pick anything up. DH says "I'm going to be your partner and help you pick it up. Let's do some teamwork" (THIS usually works...for some reason my ds likes the idea of "teamwork"). Instead, ds started grabbing the toys back out of the bin that DH put in there and then smiled again.

Dh told him that wasn't helpful and that "dada wants to help you but you need to do some of the picking up job too...that is teamwork" Ds got up ran away and dumped a whole shelf of books.

The only thing that ended up "working" was dh holding ds on his lap and refusing to let him up until he cleaned up his potato head stuff. So DH had his arms around ds (not tightly but enough so ds couldn't escape and go dump more things) and would now and then ask ds if he was ready to help. The first few times DS would yell NOOO and just try to escape and then finally said "okay i help clean it up" in a defeated and sad voice.

It makes me sad that it has to come down to that but DH and I really starting to run out of ideas...


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

I'd have fewer things out that could be dumped. If he wants to play with something, he has to help pick up what he played with/ dumped out before. Just get into the habit of keeping toys on shelves or in closets - out of his reach. It's a phase that will pass, and he is still quite young.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lotusdebi* 
I'd have fewer things out that could be dumped. If he wants to play with something, he has to help pick up what he played with/ dumped out before. Just get into the habit of keeping toys on shelves or in closets - out of his reach. It's a phase that will pass, and he is still quite young.

Thanks for the response. The problem is that I feel that we already only have very limited things out in his "dumping" reach and yet he still does it. So the only thing out last night was his potato head stuff on the low shelf and the pencil box was out in another room that he brought in and dumped.

I guess where I'm stumped is how to teach him to pick up his stuff without it being a battle? Like literally if he had one toy out in a room he would knock it over and then NOT pick it up.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

He's only 2. I think the best you can do right now is try to make clean-up into a game. Sing a clean-up song, count objects as you clean up, say silly rhymes about the things you're cleaning up, race to see who can clean up fastest, etc. You can be a good example, showing how to clean up - and showing where certain toys go, if you have an organized system. Try not to get too stressed out about it. As he gets older, you can expect more from him. It's your choice whether or not it becomes a battle. You can be firm, remove toys that are being dumped instead of played with, redirect, and play clean-up games. I don't recommend fighting with a 2 year old over something like cleaning, though. There's plenty of time for that!


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## iris777888 (Apr 3, 2007)

Our DS does this too. What I do with him sometimes with some success is ask him to help clean up the mess he made, pick him up at the waist, then lower him like a crane (complete with sound effects) to pick up objects one at a time and put them back. He usually thinks it's pretty fun and will cooperate. If not, I don't push it but will clean up myself and then put the objects up out of his reach for awhile. This seems to me to be a related consequence, even if he doesn't quite understand the explanation. I also use other techniques to turn it into a game, many similar to what lotusdebi said.


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

The craziest/hardest part about this for me is that I try all those fun singy song type things (i'm a teacher btw if you didn't notice by my name lol) and for some reason they work with every kid on the planet but my own.

I think in some ways, being an early childhood "expert" and teaching other people's children who listen to me 99% of the time when I ask them to do something on the first request makes it SOOOOOO frustrating when MY OWN DARN child will not listen! lol

It drives me up a wall and he is probably aware of that and feeding off of it....maybe I need to do some zen breathing habits or something hahah


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

I worked in childcare pre-child. There are huge differences between teaching other peoples children, and raising your own! I thought I was totally prepared to have kids, what with all my experience and all. But, my own first child defied all expectations. I was at a complete loss! Some of that was due to him being on the autism spectrum (which I didn't realize when he was a toddler), but some of that was due to him simply being my child, not the children of others. Kids behave differently with daycare workers, preschool teachers, babysitters, etc. than they do with their own parents. Try to keep that in mind - and definitely try that zen breathing! Do your best, let go of the rest. Remember that your son is still very young, and he will eventually learn to put his things away. Good luck!


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## katiesk (Nov 6, 2007)

what i do is usually tell dd that i am going to clean up and does she want to help me or should i just do it quickly by myself. that way, i am well prepared to do it myself, but she has the option to help and she often does, but if she does not, then i have not set us up for an argument or her to refuse after i have asked her to. sometimes i am more insistent that she help, but i can usually be a little creative about getting her to pitch in and pick up at least a couple pieces of whatever. because i think it is important for her to have the understanding that her help is expected, especially when it is her mess, but i also don't mind helping out myself and cleaning up for her. but i do appreciate her efforts as well... but dd is only 20 months and is only in the beginning stages of pissy toddler behavior!

maybe a race to clean up? a race to see who can pick up the most pieces the fastest? maybe setting the bucket across the room and tossing each piece in? i don't know, it's sometimes so exhausting having to play all of these little games to make it through the day!


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

It's the age and your DS's temperament. Also children save their worse behavior for their parents because they are more comfortable with them. My DD is just starting to pick up at age 4 and she's better with household chores than picking up her toys. At 2 I didn't expect her to help much. She only wanted to pick up things that could be thrown into a container like stuffed animals, balls or soft blocks. I pick up the shared living space once or twice a day and her room about 3 times a week. At 4 she's likes being helpful and will put non toy stuff up and help cook, but toys are just to interesting and distracting to put away sometimes. She enjoys playing more when her things are tidy and organized, so I think eventually she tidy her stuff up when she can resist playing with everything she touches.


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## sgmom (Mar 5, 2009)

I agree with limiting how much stuff he can bring out and make a mess of.

It sounds like he might be a little bored and/or overstimulated (which is quick to happen over the holidays), and is just looking for some entertainment by making it into a game. I'm sure he's not doing to it to see "how much he can get away with" (he's two!). He just thinks it's fun to dump his toys and watch you get all riled up. Have you tried joining him in the game? Maybe by seeing who can make the bigger mess (remember, limit the mess he CAN make), then race him to see who can clean up the fastest. You can also try the crane technique, but by holding him upside down and making him into the crane.

What worked for me with other kids (I worked as a nanny) around this age (and a little older) was to put all the toys in their clothes when asking them to clean up. It was fun, effective, and just plain silly enough to work.

I could be way off base, but I would guess that the reason he's doing this is because he's tired of the clean up rule. Well, that and just dumping toys are fun (as are watching you chase him around to clean it back up). You can sing songs, or play games or whatever, but your kid will tell you what motivates him. All you gotta do is that zen breathing thing (love that, btw), and listen!


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## Materfamilias (Feb 22, 2008)

I'm with the ppl who limit toys (we keep a selection out for DD that we rotate frequently). I think too many toys is just crazy making, for both parents and kids.
I also think two is too young to expect to clean up. I ask DD to help but don't at all expect her to do it, much less ALL of it.
It sounds like your DS has a nice game going here. What if you just ignore it? Step around it like it's no big deal and pick it up with him after the fun has left the game?


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Two years old?

After he dumped something and it was time to clean up, I would pick up and invite him to help. If he didn't help and I got sick of picking things up, I would take the things I had just picked up and put them out of his reach so he couldn't do it again. At two years old, forcing a child to help clean up is not a battle I would fight.

I admire parents who can be really creative and make cleaning up into a game that a toddler wants to participate in, but ultimately that just takes more time energy and effort on my part than just picking the darn things up myself









My three year old, on the other hand, responds very well to sequencing (we have to pick up the toys before we can go to the park/have dinner/get out this other game/etc./etc.), and is old enough to be capable of participating in taking care of his belongings without it becoming a huge struggle.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

WWID?

I, too, would pick them up myself and put them out of reach.

I'd also have a designating picking up time, and not necessarily require that my child pick everything up the instant he's done with it. I don't like to be interrupted, why should my kids?

I'd ways to help my son satisfy his urge to dump things. Remember how popular dumping and filling activities are among preschoolers? Set up a way for him to do 'laundry' (dump and fill a laundry basket with old towels, for example), or fill a dump truck with interesting things.

Finally, I'd be thankful it's just one bin of stuff: I think our ds spent nearly 2 years from ages 2-4 taking all the toy bins and dumping them on the couch because it was the 'garbage truck'.


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## enigo (Mar 11, 2009)

I just recently set all DS's toys into clear bins and tried to keep like things together. He can see what's in them.
I used to have them in larger bins and everything was all mixed up. I know at least part of the dumping was due to him needing to see what was in the bins so he find what he wanted to play with.
I also set them in the closet on the shelves. He can open the closet and get them, but this seems to have cut down on the dumping since they are not right in his face begging to be dumped. He also has a lot of building toys with tiiiiinnnyyy pieces. Things the size of a clipped fingernail. Those things I put at the top of the shelf.
It had gotten to where every time he went to play in his room he first dumped out every. bin. in his. room. Probably about 10 bins worth.

I only did this a couple weeks ago so we will see if it helps.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Most likely it's a little game he's got going in his head right now (power struggle). Often with toddlers, if you make an expectation clear, they absolutely refuse to cooperate. It's developmental (and maddening). They certainly save most of this for their mothers. At 2 years old I would be cleaning up and inviting him to help, and giving him no attention if he refused. In other words attention=cleaning up, so I would benignly ignore him if he went away while I was cleaning. Just make his choice not to clean a non issue--no drama, no anything. Most likely he will forget about it shortly and surprise you one day by coming over to help clean up. You just have to remove the energy from the little power play he had going with this, let him refuse to clean up, and let him decide on his own he wants the extra attention/praise he gets if he accepts the invitation to clean up together. He may refuse for several more weeks or months but I bet if he sees you find his little game boring, and cleaning up fascinating and desireable, curiosity will draw him back. You might even hurry this along by indicating you don't want him to clean up--if he is in a contrary stage, this might result in him insisting you let him help (my ds was like this at that age).

At 3 or 4 you can start doing when/then dynamics related to cleaning, but I think 2 is too young to think that way.


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## Tamsin (Dec 20, 2009)

Honestly at this age I just wouldnt worry too much about it. I would encourage cleaning up (a) before moving onto (b), but you really arent going to get consistant co-operation for another year or two at least. He's still a baby really at this age. Ive learnt to let go of a lot of little things like this until they were older. Otherwise I was just wasting my breath and energy. DD1 cleans up just fine now at 8, but I never really pushed the issue firmly until closer to 5.


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## Materfamilias (Feb 22, 2008)

Oooooo I like the clear bin idea! Excellent!


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## Belize Caye Family (Oct 22, 2005)

I completely agree with sgmom! Play a "dumping and filling" game with buckets, bins, whatever. Exhaust him with the dumping and eventually it will pass









Re: being a teacher and a mom, I understand. It's frustrating when all the songs and games work on all your students but not your own kid. I'm a preschool teacher too, and my own kid hates paint. *sigh*


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## my_baby_love (Jan 15, 2006)

When my DS refuses to clean up toys he then has to sit and watch me do it. He doesn't get to go do anything else, or play with anything else, until I am all done cleaning up whatever mess was made. I remind him that if he helps it will go faster, and usually after about 30 seconds he jumps down from the chair and helps me clean up. If I get to the end of cleaning up all by myself, I usually put that set of toys up out of his reach and we don't play with them for a while. I don't lecture him the whole time or get angry that I have to clean up, but make it very matter-of-fact that we can't do anything else until these toys (or pens, or crayons, or paper, or whatever) is cleaned up and put where it belongs.

I was cleaning up after him _all the time_ and he wasn't ever helping me no matter what song I sang or game I played with him. I got so sick of cleaning up his messes, that I decided that if he wasn't going to help clean then he didn't get to go on having fun and dumping more stuff either.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I always cleaned up for my dd and invited her to join me and I really think this was the right approach. When she was about four she started cleaning up more and more on her own and she will now put her things away when she is done with them and she makes sure her room looks nice at the end of the day without any fuss at all. Cleaning is a joyful thing that we do to have a nice house and I am really glad I was able to help her see that because I experienced a lot of anxiety about cleaning as a child that I had a hard time overcoming. It was always so overwhelming and I didn't know where to start. She was able to watch me clean up and join in as she was ready and she doesn't have organization problems.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

At two years old, I'm willing to clean it up myself and not struggle with getting them to do it when they're serious about not helping. (Or I bribe my big kids to do it)


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## RiverSky (Jun 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
Thanks for the response. The problem is that I feel that we already only have very limited things out in his "dumping" reach and yet he still does it. So the only thing out last night was his potato head stuff on the low shelf and the pencil box was out in another room that he brought in and dumped.

I guess where I'm stumped is how to teach him to pick up his stuff without it being a battle? Like literally if he had one toy out in a room he would knock it over and then NOT pick it up.

Gently, I say, "So what?" It sounds like fun for a 2 year old to experiment with such things and it'll take you oh, say, 2 or 3 minutes to clean both messes up, so does it really matter? Your 2 year old will learn how to clean when he's older. For now, keep a minimum of dumpable things in reach and enjoy your sweet baby the way he is. My routine at this age was to tidy the toys during morning nap (took 5-10 minutes), tidy the toys during afternoon nap (took 5-10 minutes) then while Daddy read bedtime stories, I spent maybe half an hour completely perfectly the living room and my 2 year old's bedroom, and voila, so easy!


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RiverSky* 
Gently, I say, "So what?" It sounds like fun for a 2 year old to experiment with such things and it'll take you oh, say, 2 or 3 minutes to clean both messes up, so does it really matter? Your 2 year old will learn how to clean when he's older. For now, keep a minimum of dumpable things in reach and enjoy your sweet baby the way he is. My routine at this age was to tidy the toys during morning nap (took 5-10 minutes), tidy the toys during afternoon nap (took 5-10 minutes) then while Daddy read bedtime stories, I spent maybe half an hour completely perfectly the living room and my 2 year old's bedroom, and voila, so easy!

But that's the thing...it does'nt take two or three minutes to clean up...I literally CAN NOT keep up. I spend alllllllll day cleaning and by the end of the day it is still a disaster.

I also don't really agree with everyone saying that 2 is young and he'll learn when he's older. At school he cleans up several times a day...sometimes needs help/reminders but he is VERY capable. Also all the other two year olds clean up as well. (again sometimes need help, reminders, one - on -one, etc.) So i really don't want to sit back and say "oh well he's young." I want to teach him that when we dump things we must clean them up before we move onto other things. KWIM??? So i am looking for suggestions...not defeat! lol


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## Polliwog (Oct 29, 2006)

Home and school are so different. So much so, that it can be maddening. I'm a teacher too (also Reggio-inspired) and my kids both clean up so well at school. The group "flow" at school makes so much of a difference.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Polliwog* 
Home and school are so different.









:

All the other two year olds clean up as well- at school. I'm willing to bet that most of them are not as cooperative when it comes to cleaning up at home.

I know how maddening it can be to try to keep up with toddler created chaos, but honestly the best way to handle it at that age is to control the environment, not the child. You can keep struggling to get him to clean up after himself, or you can limit his ability to make messes in the first place. In the second scenario everyone is (usually) happy and there are far fewer power struggles.

I would honestly rather limit my kids to a handful of toys than spend my time fighting with them about clean up, because at that point the toys are no longer sources of fun and joy.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

Have you tried just cleaning up at the end of the day or before you leave the house? You and your child may feel better about clean ups if it isn't a tedious chore that has to be done every time it looks like you might have a child living in your home and this may lead to him being more helpful.

It could also be that you are in a power struggle right now. Many kids don't actually like to be manhandled until they do something and they resist more. If you back off for a while and try again in only a positive way you may find that your child is a very helpful child. Have you tried posting in the toddler section? You might get responses for gently helping your child clean up with you from people who's children are still that age. A lot of things like having a toddler clean up seem really small and easy to let go when you have an older child.


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## Deir (Aug 19, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollytheteacher* 
But that's the thing...it does'nt take two or three minutes to clean up...I literally CAN NOT keep up. I spend alllllllll day cleaning and by the end of the day it is still a disaster.

I also don't really agree with everyone saying that 2 is young and he'll learn when he's older. At school he cleans up several times a day...sometimes needs help/reminders but he is VERY capable. Also all the other two year olds clean up as well. (again sometimes need help, reminders, one - on -one, etc.) So i really don't want to sit back and say "oh well he's young." I want to teach him that when we dump things we must clean them up before we move onto other things. KWIM??? So i am looking for suggestions...not defeat! lol

I haven't read everything so sorry if I am repeating but I'd say- GET RID OF ALL THOSE TOYS!! My friend's house has been a disaster since I met her 6 yrs ago when our kids were 1!!! The reason is because she has too darn many toys. I'd pare waaaay back and then see if it is easier to encourage cleaning up. We have very little to dump and therefore it takes a maximum of 10 minutes (on a really bad day) to clean up. Having fewer things pays off in so many ways. trust me they don't get bored.


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

I know this is a long thread so an opinion similar to this has probably already been posted. I don't know for sure because I seldom read long threads







. At really young ages, like two or three, I don't focus on getting my child to clean. I ask that they help me, but I don't push the issue. In our family the situation would have gone like this:

2 and 1/2 year old dumps out legos
Mom "It's time to clean our messes. I need you to pick up your legos, please."
Kid stands and stares.
Mom, picks up a lego, drops it in the bucket, then picks up a second lego, hands it to the kid and holds out the bucket. Kid drops the lego in the bucket.
Mom "Thanks for helping! Now let's get the rest of them."
Kid runs off.
Mom shrugs, cleans the rest of the legos, and runs to get the kid so she can blow raspberries on their tummy.









I do think that learning responsibility is important, but I am very aware of the fact that two, three, even four year olds are still just very little kids. That's why I'm more comfortable with just doing one gentle reminder, night after night. Soon enough, at least in my experience, the idea that picking up your own messes starts to sink in. My way of parenting, really, is sort of the equivalent to someone who is standing off to the side and only offering very quiet direction when it is clearly needed, as opposed to someone being front and center and actually managing the situation from start to finish. I'm not saying that managing is wrong or that my method is any better, it's just how I deal with all situations.


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

When I get home, the first thing I do is take off my shoes. I have to wear shoes when I'm out of the house. I've had to wear shoes at nearly every job I've ever had. I have to wear shoes all over the place - and I put up with it because I have to, because that's the expectation. I can even have fun while wearing my shoes. But, when I get home, I want my shoes OFF. I want to be comfortable. I want to relax. I'm home, and I can be just me when I'm home.

Let your son take his shoes off when he's home. Let him relax. Let him be comfortable. He has expectations of behavior everywhere he goes outside of the house, and that's a lot to ask of a child - especially a 2 year old. Don't insist on the same expectations when you're at home. Help him out, but also let him be 2. Let him be messy sometimes. Let him get away with not doing all the things he's expected to do everywhere else. Let him be comfortable.


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## tbone_kneegrabber (Oct 16, 2007)

At ds's school they clean up a set times (before circle time, before lunch, at the end of the day). They don't clean up when they are "done" with the toy and have moved on to something else. And then everyone (teachers and parents who are there clean up too). This really helps the kids particpate. They don't have to spend all day cleaning up (as in doing in all day long) they do it in spurts with everyone working together.

I know at our house if everyone is cleaning (and we are 7 adults and ds) ds is way more helpful and wants to be part of the action, but if I want him to clean up a mess he made by himself or with just help from me, he's not interested.


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## sgmom (Mar 5, 2009)

My 15 month old has been helping me clean (well, sort of) since before she could walk. Today she helps me sweep, wash the kitchen table (give her a wet cloth and she'll wipe just about everything down!), clean up her room (clothes mostly, she LOVES hunting for socks and putting them in the drawer) and her toys (living room), things like that.

I'll often ask her for her help (yesterday she helped me reload the kitchen cupboards by bringing me cans from the pantry, but she INSISTED on putting the cans away herself), and I'll help her clean up her toys. Sometimes I can direct her from the couch (there's a sock over there! Pick it up and put it away! Don't forget to put your blocks in the basket!) and she'll do it, but if I ask her to help me then it's only fair that I help her too.

She's only 15 months old, but she really seems to enjoy helping. I don't force her to do any of it, but I'm certainly not going to do it for her if she's offering to do it herself.

I think it makes her feel special to be involved. I NEVER push or bribe and the only "rewards" she gets are high fives and comments like "The table is so clean now! Thank you for wiping it! (or thank you for your help)", maybe with a kiss on the cheek. She definitely seems to take pride in what she does, and sometimes she'll do it without being asked (or without noticing that I'm watching).

It's a different story going from 15 months (when they WANT to help) to 3 years old, but my point is that even at this age, they're very capable.


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