# New here...just wanted to share my story



## idigchaitea (Aug 21, 2007)

My son Jonas was stillborn on March 12th, 2009, a day after his due date. Here is my story. I sent this to all my friends and family when it happened. Thank you for reading my story...

Little Jonas Elliot was born on Thursday, March 12th at 12:05 p.m. However, he had already entered into God's hands about a week before. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, which is believed to be the cause.

Zac and I went to my prenatal checkup on my due date-the 11th. They were unable to find his heartbeat, and an ultrasound revealed that he had passed away. I've been going to a German hospital, so as you can imagine, it was frightening seeing all these people crowded around me during the ultrasound and not being able to understand them. Then they all got quiet and the doctor said, "Mrs. Phillips, the baby is not alive." I will never forget that moment or the way he said those words. I covered my face with my hands and broke down hysterically. I kept asking outloud, "Why now? Why not in the first trimester?" (not that that would not be hard) "This can't be happening!" "Why now? Why now?"&#8230;&#8230;.I just kept shaking my head no&#8230;like this wasn't my life&#8230;this only happens to other people. I knew the worst was yet to come. I would have to go through labor-all that pain-only to have to say goodbye to my baby in the worst possible way. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to see him and hold him-it seemed scary.

I was induced that night. The German way of induction is different in that it can take up to 3 days before you actually have the baby. I just wanted to get it over with. Lots of people were praying back in the states, and those prayers were answered. It took just 16 hours of labor before he was born. For those that knew, I had been planning and preparing for a natural birth. I decided that I was enduring enough emotional pain, and would take meds if I needed them. Towards the end, when labor was very difficult, they talked me into an epidural. I was going through the worst of the contractions while they were preparing the epidural, when I felt a horrendous need to push. My water broke just then, and I began pushing naturally. I would just like to say that I have never endured such physical pain in my life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Zac said he's never heard such "primal noises" before! (Zac was so great throughout the entire thing-he helped me get through it all) I can't really describe how intense it was for me. I will never forget that moment. Jonas came quickly though, and after he did, we broke down and cried. I remember hearing the sobs of the German midwife who ran out of room after he was born. I think it was very difficult for her. Zac cut the cord, and we held our little boy and just cried. He was so perfect and looked just like Josiah when he was born, except he had little curls. He was 7 lbs. 1 oz. and almost 23 inches long! He had Zac's nose and hair color, just like Joss. We spent a lot of time with him and said our goodbyes. We felt very peaceful about it because we know that he is happy and safe in Heaven, and we know we'll see him there someday. God has really given us strength that we never knew we had.

My postpartum recovery has been amazing compared to last time. I did not tear this time, and besides the emotional pain, I feel okay. We are already home from the hospital and it has only been a day since the birth. The hardest part of this was the actual birth, but the second hardest thing has been coming home to a house prepared for a newborn. It is very difficult to see all the things we have done to prepare for Jonas' arrival-his nursery, his new diaper bag, all the tiny cloth diapers I bought for him, the bassinet in our bedroom, the double stroller in the garage, and of course all the beautiful birth announcements that my mother in law has been making. It is very sad.

I did not intend to make this so long, but it feels good to write it all out and share this experience. We will be flying home within the next couple of weeks to have a funeral for Jonas. Zac has been blessed with some much needed time off, as well as being pardoned from his upcoming deployment. Everyone he works with has been wonderful to us, and they will be bringing us meals this weekend which we are very thankful for. Zac's mom is here and I don't know what I'd do if she weren't. She has been amazing and has stayed with Josiah during our hospital stay. She's been a blessing. We believe God will show us joy during this time, and we know without a doubt that some good will come of this horrible tragedy.


----------



## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. My heart breaks for you









Wishing you much peace, strength & healing. I hope you find comfort and support here as you continue to heal.
















Jonas Elliot


----------



## ladyjools (May 25, 2009)

im really sorry for your loss, thanku for sharing your songs story with us,

Jools


----------



## Chez (Aug 11, 2009)

Your story is wonderful and i am sorry for your loss also.
The one thing that got me through was my 4 yr old son Seth and saying to myself, what dosen't break you only makes you stronger, and yes i feel stronger, i have also had to deal with my mother passing, it is hard...but my tight little family Kim, Seth and me are strong and there is loads of love







:
We are hoping to have another baby soon,
I am a new member also and i found this fourm because i think it is just soo comforting to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. i love reading that women go on and have healthy babies. it gives me hope.

Huggs and love to you..


----------



## ColoradoHELLP (Jun 7, 2009)

Wow...I have so few words. I am so sorry for your family. *many hugs*


----------



## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.









Jonas


----------



## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

I'm so sorry. I know the feeling, "Why now!?" It's hard to lose a baby at any point in pregnancy, but to get SO CLOSE... feels so unfair.







We lost our son, William, at 39 weeks.








Jonas Elliott







:

I'm so very sorry.







But I'm glad you found us.


----------



## blueyezz4 (Sep 23, 2006)

So sorry to hear about your loss!!! I hope and pray that you feel the comfort of God's hands wrapped around you both in this time of need. Take care of yourself and I know when we went through our loss I found that finding a good counselor to talk to really helped me!! Take care!!


----------



## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I'm so sorry you're here.. I remember my husband screaming HOW can this happen? His due date is only 1 week away!? It is still hard to handle how we can carry these babies for so long only to lose them when we were SO close..


----------



## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the kind of pain that you are enduring. I lost Norah at 40 weeks. Please be gentle with yourself,
Peace and Strength,
D.


----------



## alternamama82 (May 28, 2009)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son, Jonas. I remember you from DiaperSwappers, and the story of your son. I lost my daughter, too. She was born at 37 wks and lived for fifteen days. Please know that you and Jonas are in my thoughts. This is a wonderful, supportive place. The women here have carried me through the most difficult time of my life.


----------



## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Another mama?







I'm so very sorry Jonas is not in your arms. Thank you for sharing your story. It's so heartbreaking and painful. So, so sorry, mama. Many, many hugs to you and yours.
















Jonas Elliot


----------



## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Jonas.


----------



## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I am so very sorry, mama. Our precious children should be in our arms. I wish you gentle days ahead. With much love and many blessings.


----------



## idigchaitea (Aug 21, 2007)

THANK YOU so much for all the kind replies! I have found the most support from women like you in forums. We're so lucky these days to have support right at our fingertips...


----------



## bc1995 (Mar 22, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.


----------



## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Jonas Elliot







. I hope the funeral is healing for you and your family.


----------



## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

i am so so sorry for your loss







and so honored to hear your story. thank you for sharing it. a friend from a local support group lost her boy similarly the day after your son was lost. it's amazing to think of all the babies lost around the world day after day...







it makes me feel very lucky that some of us have found our way here to the company of others who understand. we are listening momma, share as much as you need


----------



## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sorry
















Jonas Elliot


----------



## 2sweetboysmom (Aug 1, 2006)

What a beautiful name you chose for your son.







Jonas Elliot
Many hugs and prayers as you heal.


----------



## rsummer (Oct 27, 2006)

I'm so sorry Mama. I really feel for you and your husband. You'll both be in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## MFuglei (Nov 7, 2002)

So very sorry to hear of your loss.


----------



## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

I am so very sorry, Mama.















: Jonas Elliot


----------



## Amberjhons (Aug 17, 2009)

I'm so sorry to hear your loss,you are a really mother.
God bless you .


----------



## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Totally unfair that your precious Jonas Elliot isn't with you now.


----------

