# newborn next door, I'm a wreck again



## Denise K (Feb 26, 2002)

I was doing so much better.... laughing, playing with DS, feeling pretty OK.

Now my friend and neighbor, who was one of the first people who knew I was pregnant, had a home birth last night.

We saw the midwife's car there, and DH was pacing all over last night, looking to see if cars were arriving or leaving. He was so excited..... I felt betrayed. I felt awful that it wasn't me being the source of his excitement. I felt miserable. And I felt horrible for having all these lousy unworthy feelings.

I am scared to death of this baby. I dreamed about it all night--about running out of their house in tears. I am afraid when I see him it'll be like a bomb going off in my heart. I'm afraid I'll love him and it will hurt too much.

And tomorrow I'm getting together with a closer friend, who's due 3 weeks before I was. Our sons are best buddies. Her son is going to have a sibling and mine wont, this summer....

I hate this. I hate jealousy--it makes me feel like a bad person. I hate being on the floor again after all the hard honest work I did to grieve and grieve and grieve. I know all the stuff I'm supposed to know about the grieivng process, and still all I can say when I feel this way is I hate this I hate this I hate this.

Need a hug. DS is too little, DH is too excited about our friends' baby, my mom doesn't get it, and all my close friends have little kids hanging on their knees.... So you guys get to hear me freak out again.... Bless you.


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## Still_Snarky (Dec 23, 2004)




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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

My dd's godparents had their 1st child the day we found out about our m/c. I went throught the same emotions and was terrified to see the baby. Somehow I got through it. I have a feeling you too will find a way. Please mention it to your dh though. He needs to be there for you.

More


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Oh my Denise, I'm right with you. The women who lives in the appartment above us got pregnant right when I did and had her baby a bit early in December. It was so hard to face her and listen to her talk when she was pregnant, and now I can hear the baby cry all times of the day. It makes me so terribly sad, it's such a challenge to be faced with this loss all the time in such a way. It's made me jealous, angry, bitter, sad, agressive, mad * a lot * over the last months. But it's also forced me to really face the issue.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's so hard.
Good luck and


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## LEmama (Nov 21, 2001)

Hugs to you. I know how hard it can be.


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## Denise K (Feb 26, 2002)

Thanks for all your support....

I talked to my minister, who said "you aren't feeling pain at someone else's joy, you're feeling pain at your own loss." For some reason I really needed to have that stated for me.

Things are easing up a little, which is a relief; I'm not going all the way down in the pit again.... I baked a pie for my neighbor, and made a card for their family, and we'll holler at their older kids when they get home from school today and send it over with them. It felt good to do something nice for my friend, instead of just sitting home waiting for/dreading an invitation to come visit. This way my loving thoughts can go over, and my hurting thoughts can stay home.

I wish I could just say "this is done." But it doesn't work....


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

(((HUGS))) to you.

I lost my 5th child just one month ago. I deeply wish no mother ever had to go through that.

Last week I went shopping alone (for the first time) for a wedding shower gift. The cashier was obviously pregnant. I thought I was doing OK (as far as could be at this point) but it was all I could do to get through writing my check and get OUT.

I'm glad you talked to your minister, and got such helpful words.

I feel similar stuff when I see my friend's baby. She was actually due the same week I was, and her DD was born 2 weeks early. I am very happy for her and her lovely baby, but at the same time some days I can't help but rwalize Liam would have been just about that size now. He'd be making those same noises. I smile for her and her DH, but there's a tear on my cheek at the same time for me and my family.

It's even harder because I was having a homebirth. None of the moms I know here IRL have ever lost an infant, and very few have even considered homebirth. Makes it kind of hard to feel "at ease" talking to them about it.


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## daekini (Jun 17, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the losses all of you who posted have experienced. I feel almost guilty writing that, because I've never experienced that pain and I am currently 12 weeks pg.

I made my way to this thread because I was looking for a way to comfort my best friend. She and I had due dates just a few days apart, and she lost her baby last week. Our daughters are just 5 days apart, so we were really joyful.

I don't know how our friendship will be affected if I am blessed with a healthy baby. Thank you for letting me learn about the feelings she may feel, but may never tell me. I'll keep your words close to my heart over the next few months.

Oddly enough, I feel like I have been grieving, too - I really love her, and I am just sick about this. I've been crying over her baby, but I'm afraid to let her know that.

I'm sorry if I hijacked your thread - I didn't mean to go on and on like that; I've been really moved by some of the things I've read on this thread and other threads in this forum.


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## Kerrie (Jul 23, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Denise K*
Thanks for all your support....

I talked to my minister, who said "you aren't feeling pain at someone else's joy, you're feeling pain at your own loss." For some reason I really needed to have that stated for me.



First of all, I'm happy that you were able to talk to someone second - what wonderful words. I wish someone had said those words to me when I needed them. Try to take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you whenever you need to 'freak out again'.







s


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## behr (Dec 10, 2001)

Please daekini, share your grief with your friend. It can be such a lonely place to grieve a baby lost during pregnancy, a lot of people just don't understand, or they're afraid to open a wound (like it isn't open all the time). It can be such an immense relief to cry together.
I know it would have helped me a lot.
Of course, everyone deals with this loss in a different way, but I think you can only help your friend by sharing your feelings.
You sound like such a wonderful friend, please don't let her miss out on that!!!

All the best to you and your baby!

Denise, congratulations to you, this is sooo hard!


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## KittyKat (Nov 17, 2002)

daekini,
another vote from me to tell your friend that you are hurting for her. When Liam died, a very dear friend of our family told us she had miscarried on Jan 1. She said she had no idea what we were experiencing, but that if I needed to talk or cry or needed help in any way she would cry with me, listen or anything I needed. Seriously, hearing that from her was really comforting. This week at Bible study group she asked how I was doing, mentioned how she noticed it had been a month and she was thinking of me because she knew milestones like that can be hard. Then she gave me the biggest hug and grabbed a tissue box because we were both teary eyed by then. It really helps to have someone to cry with sometimes.
Talk to her.


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## Denise K (Feb 26, 2002)

Daekini, I am touched that you're looking for understanding in the face of your friend's loss. I have a friend who is due 3 weeks before I was--our sons are that far apart, and best buddies. We were so excited to have babies at the same time. It has meant so much to me to know I can be with her as I am--sad, envious, excited, depressed, angry. She has been there for me, and though it really hurts sometimes to see her getting rounder and glowing-er and me staying the same, her pregnancy and eventual birth also hold a promise of joy for me. It's so mixed, and so intense--what holds true is the love.

And bless you for giving your tears to her baby. It's so hard sometimes to even know it's OK for us to grieve our own losses. It's good when I can see this baby was real to someone else, too.


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## daekini (Jun 17, 2004)

Thank you so much for your advice and suggestions, I don't know how you can be so supportive and caring when you are grieving your own terrible loss. I tend to wallow in my misery when faced with problems - I will never be able to do that again after reading your posts. Denise, I think it is amazing that you can give of yourself and do things for your neighbor despite the sadness you feel. I hope you realize how strong you are.

I had lunch with my friend ("C") and another pregnant friend today. We started off sort of avoiding "pregnant" talk, but somehow wound up talking about baby names - actually I think C brought it up. Is it possible that she hasn't fully grasped her loss? She seems almost *too* okay. I think she's afraid that her loss will frighten us - she is the kind of person who would only think of us. I have told her - and it's the truth - I'm not worried because of what has happened to her. I'll accept whatever happens and deal with it at the time.

I'll take your advice and remember those milestones. It will be hard not to, since they'll happen around the same time as my own.

Thanks for being so generous - if I have any more questions, I'll start a new thread. I don't want to dishonor Denise's intent by asking so many questions!
I love what the minister said and if C seems to be experiencing some of the feelings you've expressed, I'll tell her those words, too.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

my sister and step sister both had babies a few weeks after Faolan should have been born, it really is hard hearing about them knowing i should be having a new baby as well.

daekini - i have found i am ok with friends that talk to me about the babies i lost being pregnant, i am actually happy for them.

tara


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