# My mother may have nowhere to live, but with me and my family - HELP!



## SilverMoon010 (Jul 15, 2009)

I wasn't sure where to post this! None of the other subforums apply.

I am a happily married woman with two kids, a 6 year old and 3 year old, who love their grandmother (my mom) very much. She is healthy and 65, no care needed. My mom and dad divorced about 15 years ago but are still amicable. My mom has had money troubles for a while now and now realizes she needs to sell her house, like now. We have talked about her moving in here in the past but she refused to talk to me about it, but now it has come a reality that she is in deep waters and barely can pay her mortgage. I am really annoyed she just dropped this on me now when I tried opening a conversation about it a year ago and she refused to talk. Anyway, she said she is going to look for an apartment, has 1 dog and 2 cats, but that is just a waste of money for her IMO. I feel she needs to save her money. My brother lives around the corner but his house is way too small. I have a decent size house but not like there are separate wings in it or anything, which would be perfect.

Anyway, my mom and I have had our share of fights when living together before, and I worry about that. She drives me insane sometimes, and now she will be bringing 3 more animals into my home (we have two cats). 

I don't want her to go to an apartment as I'm nervous for her safety being alone like that, but I'm also nervous of her living here. She has no other options but those two. 

I know nobody can tell me what to do, but I guess I'm looking for advice from those who have been through it. I worry it'll put a wedge into my relationship with my husband as well, although he does get along with her. She will also be helpful with the kids and all of that. I know that for a fact. So there are some pros, but I tend to be focused on the cons right now.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I just need some help!


----------



## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

I'm surprised no one responded to this post! I wonder whether no one felt qualified?

Based on my reading of what you write here, the reason your mom hasn't spoken with you about moving in with you is that she doesn't want to move in with you. If she's in good health, you don't need to insist or take the decision out of her hands. She's an adult. She will not be in any more danger living on her own than any other adult. If she doesn't have dementia or osteoporosis or depression, she can fix her own meals and get around on her own. Don't worry. 

I think the thing to do is to tell your husband that you would like to offer living in your house as an alternative to your mom. Make sure he's cool with it. I say that not because of the marriage, but because he lives in the house, too. Then, invite your mom to move in if that would be better for her. You have to be ready for her to turn you down, and to feel all right about that. 

It's not up to you what she does. It's up to her. If she doesn't want to move in with you, offer to help her with the move. She will need your emotional support no matter what. 

If she does decide to move in with you... well. That will be difficult, all right. She'll be able to see your parenting and will have many more opportunities to advise you with advice you really don't want. A lot of people on this forum have written about dealing with grandma interference. I think it happens even when you don't live together. It's a chance to show your children how to resolve conflicts with people in their family. It's also a chance for them to see how much you love your mom.


----------



## easydoesit (May 23, 2005)

I think your Mom going into an apartment sounds like the best solution. Why do you have concerns about her in an apartment? Maybe as she searches for the apartment, the situation with the animals may become more clear for her and they can be re-homed.


----------



## ian'smommaya (Jun 7, 2004)

I lived with my mom, or my mom lived with me for years. Yep, sometimes it was hard. Really hard. But there were great things about it, too. Why is living in an apt. or smaller house, or duplex or what ever other situation (getting a roommate for her, for instance) so bad? Lots of people live in apt. with animals. I can see why this is hard, worrying about people is in my nature, too.


----------



## tiqa (Feb 8, 2012)

OP, have there been any updates since you first posted this?


----------



## SilverMoon010 (Jul 15, 2009)

tiqa said:


> OP, have there been any updates since you first posted this?


Yes! I posted my thread a while ago and I guess it got bumped up and people started to see it:grin: We decided to have her come live with us. I am a worry wart and I just worried about her being in an apartment by herself because the nicer apartments in the nicer areas were out of her budget. She would have had to live in a not-so-nice area to meet her budget, and I couldn't allow that. Also, she loves her animals. I could never even think of her getting rid of them. I think her catching me off guard with her money issues threw me for a loop since she didn't want to talk to me about it a year ago when I asked if she was doing ok. She sprung it on me and I guess I wasn't prepared. Now that I've had time to let it sink in and my hubby is totally cool with it, it's the best option and I actually think she'll be a big help to me too with cleaning and everything (she loves doing that kind of stuff), especially since I recently found out I have 4 herniated discs in my neck. At first, I could only see the cons, but I see more pros than cons now that I have talked to her about the living situation, "rules," etc. We laid it all out.

Thank you all for posting here. I appreciate it! Advice and suggestions are always helpful when you're up against a decision. :love


----------



## ian'smommaya (Jun 7, 2004)

Excellent news! I understand worrying about yer Mom. I worry about mine too, needlessly of course. I highly suggest setting up 'boundaries and rules' before hand. That is something we should have done, and didn't, that would have made the transition and time living together much easier. I wish you luck and thank you for the update!


----------

