# new partners and co-sleeping question



## ruliansdad (Jul 26, 2005)

hi there -

i have a baby with my expartner, and she has a new boyfriend. that's
ok with me, but my issue is that she wants to cosleep with him and our
baby. they actually already have been. this seems like a bad idea to
me, but i am not a child psychologist. i am hurt by it personally,
but really the important thing is how it affects our child (10 month
old boy, cosleeping since birth, breastfeeding). soooo my question is
this - - - - -

for the health of our child, when if ever is it appropriate for either
of us parents to spend the night with him AND our new partners?

if it's ok for it to happen now, i'll take no issue with it, and she
can do as she pleases. but if for his health this should not happen,
i want her to know, and to put his needs first, where they should be.

help?

thanks
ruliansdad

if it matters to know, we separated 3 months ago, and have only spent
a few nights together since. things are definately over now between us.


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## shellbell (Jun 18, 2006)

Hi... I'm not professional. Don't have any great advice. I'm just here to say that I'd be pretty uncomfortable with this situation too. Not just personally, but for my child.

Maybe you should talk to someone professional, in favor of cosleeping and see what they say.


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

jeez. i don't think i would take my child into bed with anyone other than the father except for maybe my sister








i don't know that it would be harmful but i could understand your discomfort with the situation.


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## StephandOwen (Jun 22, 2004)

We have had a recent thread on this that can be seen here.

My personal opinion- I don't see how it would *hurt* your child. If she was switching men alot and every couple week had a new guy sleeping over I think that might confuse the little one (and that's something I wouldn't be cool with).


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## Bad Mama Jama (May 29, 2005)

That is tough and I would be hurt, too. I think Steph may be right. I would be happy about it either though.


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## number572 (Aug 25, 2004)

Realistically, children are drawn to love in general... so, I guess if the man that your baby's mom is cosleeping with is a kind & loving guy, it could be good for him(your son). I know that hurts you very much, kudos to you for being as open as you are with this! I agree that if your past girlfriend has many different guys around, it may get confusing to the child as he grows up & is forming his relationship wisdom/concepts... that could be detramental.

Also, maybe picture yourself with a new woman, who is totally in love with your son... you are totally in love with each other - really, what could be more beautiful & loving for the child than being enveloped with love as he sleeps with you two? yk?

AND, the big ? is, is your previous gf okay with the idea of your son cosleeping with you and your new gf? Is she cool with it when that happens?

I'm oldschool though & think that it truly does take a village to raise a child. Peronally speaking - our group is very large & all of the kids feel like our neices/nephews although most of us are not blood related. Where kids are concerned, I think it's all about the level of love involved & making certain that nothing negative is being thrown around. Kids are wise. They know when they're in a loving environment or not & gain strength from love - & gain instability & insecure natures when surrounded by doubt, jealousy, anger, fear, etc. Seems like you already know all of this though









best luck.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Not single, but I personally would not be down with cosleeping with anyone other than a LTR. So unless they have been around for several months and they moved in, it just wouldn't happen.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

Hmmm. . .you've only been split up three months, and she has another man sleeping in bed with her and your baby? How long could she have known this man? How does she know what his motives are? This has not yet been proven as a long term relationship, and she already has the man getting physically and emotionally close to the baby. For me, this is bad. What if it doesn't work out? How long until the next guy? Seems like it could be confusing and emotionally harmful for the baby. I see why it would make you uncomfortable. It would make me uncomfortable if my husband and I split and a couple of months later he had another woman sleeping with my kids.


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## Jilian (Jun 16, 2003)

I don't think it is a good idea that she is choosing to have a man she's been with for less than 3 mos spend the night, but I do think it is good that she's not kicking her baby out of the bed just because a new guy came into the picture.

As for you spending the night while the new guy is there - I don't think it's a good idea. Wouldn't that be really uncomfortable? Would the new guy go to bed with your child and ex while you sleep on the couch? How would you handle that? It could get ugly. Just my opinion - I certainly wouldn't want to spend the night at ex's.


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## ruliansdad (Jul 26, 2005)

to be clear - she and i have been officially OVER for 2 WEEKS. we separated residences 3 months ago but were "working on our relationship". she's known him for 6 years, and their intentions are to have a long term relationship, but everything just screams rebound to me.

and she will almost certainly NOT be cool with me having a girlfriend even be AROUND our baby. she's said as much. she's said that she'd want to kill that woman, if ever there was one.

my ex is the master of double standards.

thanks for your feedback, all - it's helping me realize that a lot of this is MY discomfort, hurt, and anger, not so much a grave danger to my son's emotional wellbeing. although the way it's making me feel is not good for my son. he sees me angry a lot - sees me and mom fighting. which we have to work on. i feel that the anger and hurt beween me and ex is much more harmful than what could happen w/this cosleeping issue. it's just hard because i feel really hurt by it. they got together WHILE she and i were "working on it". they had sex while she and i were still sleeping together, in the room where our son was born, in our family house. there is just so much hurt to get over. to accept and let go of.


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## ExuberantDaffodil (May 22, 2005)

I understand about there being so much to be let go of.... these are tricky, sad situations. And double standards are one of the worst things to deal with.


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## forthebest (Jun 19, 2006)

I don't think it's cool,you are his dad, try speaking to her about it,it's a difficult situation but maybe a coupla years down the line she might not think it's such a good idea, she sounds confused and wrapped up with this new guy,ok so she's known him a while but most guys I have known would not be comfortable co-sleeping with another man's child, sounds like she's looking for a replacement dad on an emotional level and it doesn't work that way imo.She needs to separate this new relationship from co-sleeping arrangements out of respect for your ds, you and herself.It's not fair on your ds either imo as he has his bonds with you and may become confused and then if the new guy ups and leaves...you are right that the rows between you and his mum will be a negative experience for him and all of you, all you can do I guess is be bigger than that and try real hard to hold it together for your ds sake,I can relate to what number572 says but I just don't trust the majority of men on this planet with my childrens well-being, emotional or otherwise,hope you can work it all out.


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## mama40 (Jun 25, 2006)

Um...not only wouldn't I be OK with this, I wouldn't do it. The only circumstance I could imagine where it'd be OK is if I were married or essentially-married to the new guy, and he was a permanent fixture, and frankly it'd take years to get to that point anyway, by which point dd would be too old for opposite-sex co-sleeping to be kosher.

I do *not* think it's a good idea to get a kid used to the idea that it's OK to sleep with random people. Or that strangers will be in & out of the bed. How's it going to play in her mind when she's 15, 17, 30? What kind of behavior would she believe is OK or appropriate? Nope, don't like it. I mean this is before we even get to the sex-with-kid-in-bed questions.

Frankly, if my stbx did that (and I'd be shocked if he did), I'd be documenting & taking it to custody hearings.


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## ruliansdad (Jul 26, 2005)

so i'm going to document it as best i can, and when we do custody i'll be presenting it. but jeez what a shitty situation. when i told her it concerned me, she got super pissed off, but eventually agreed to stop "until you are comfortable with it" which seems like more mind f$%king to me. i want to talk to a child psychologist about it - i know that I will heal from the horrid feeling this creates in me, but i want to make sure that my son's not getting his needs and rights ignored. i am glad to hear that most of you think this is not normal or cool. because it feels really messed up. she says they're not nude in bed and not having sex in bed with him, but how long will that last? she took a full week to find her new "life partner", so maybe 20 minutes?


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

It would bother me too. She's a mom first, she can date later, your poor boy is already going through change, it's not fair of her to put him through more that isn't needed.
Good for you for being such and advocate for him.


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## newmommy27 (Apr 22, 2005)

I would so not be ok with this situation...I am lucky enough to be in an intact marriage but I can assure you that if my marriage fell apart for what ever reason I would NOT be inviting a man into my son's life anytime soon...Kids need consistency...my little guy (only 5 mon older then yours) Knows when 5pm is approaching looks at the door...calls for his daddy...I can only imagine the confusion he would feel if his Dad didn't live with us anymore not to mention if a new man was sharing our bed....I used to direct early childhood centers and teach parenting classes before I was a mama and I have seen over and over the effects of major change in a child's life...Please, Please, Please advocate for your baby and find a way to provide him with a consistent environment...his secure attachment could be on the line...


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## ruliansdad (Jul 26, 2005)

i just don't know what i can do besides involving a lawyer and going for as much custody as i can get. i feel like if i go for any more than 50%, she's going to go ballistic and hate me forever, try to get my son to hate me, etc. she is a volatile person. but i feel like she's making some really bad decisions about things in her life, and that she's putting her wants/needs before our son's. which saddens and sickens and angers me.
the toll this is taking on ME is hard. i just dropped my baby off after a nice 6 hour stretch of having him (we played w/a friends baby, walked in the nice park, etc) and the new guy is singing in the shower, and there's pack of condoms on the dresser, and i'm just trying to be cool dropping off baby and talking about tomorrow's schedule. it feels so lame. we've been done for 2 weeks and she is doing this? she insists it's not a rebound. i talked to her new partner yesterday and he said that he's thought a lot about it and is going to commit to our son and her and he hopes we can all be cool @ the 10th birthday party. wtf? he's 2 weeks into a relationship with someone w/a baby who just 1 week ago was saying that all she wanted was to be with ME, and they've somehow talked themselves into life partnership. for the long haul. fuck - i hope it works out, for the health of our son, but i just really can't see the good in this. it makes me sad and angry and hurt. she's just immediately tried to find "replacement dad", even though i'm anything but a non-dad to my son. i spend 8 - 11 hours with him every day, and i would be spending more with him if he was sleeping with me sometimes. that's 8 - 11 hours of mostly waking time. quality time. he doesn't need another dad - MOM just is needy - for affection, reinforcement, intimacy, attention. argh.


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## majikfaerie (Jul 24, 2006)

Just to add my 2 cents
I think this is a very complicated situation, and broken down to individual issues, I see it like this:
-about the baby co-sleeping - I think its really BEST for baby to be co-sleeping, and its is far preferrable to be co-sleeping with a new male pertner than to be relegated to a crib.
-however, it probably isnt the best if its gonna be a new man every other week.
-I totally agree with what number572 said - it takes a whole village to raise a child, and in many "primitive" tribal societies whole extended families sleep in one bed area, just depends on what youre used to.
-if your ex finds it unacceptable for you to co-sleep with a potential new partner, then it is unnacceptable for her to do the same.
-on one hand, it does sound like she's on the rebound, trying to find a "replacement you", but on the other hand, sometimes true love does happen overnight (my parents were engaged after knwoing each other just 2 weeks, and theyre still lovingly married after over 30 years), you cant fight kismet.
-me, in the same situation, I'd expect my child to be able to co-sleep, and I wouldnt mind too much if it was with a new partner (provided its a serious partner that is open to putting the childs needs before sex and stuff like that) but that's just me.
All of these things combine together to make a tricky situation and you need to do some serious thinking and feeling and talk about it a lot with your ex and her partner.
The final word is that you need to do what you feel right about.
Sorry that you have to go through this tough time


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

How about getting a mediator instead of a lawyer, cheaper and the focus is on working things out amicably rather than "getting her".

I agree with you that she is being totally irresponsible and double standards are going to bite you in the ass later just as much as now. Maybe a mediator could help her to see that it's not fair for you to not be allowed a new partner but for her to be allowed one 2 weeks after calling it quits. Do you have mutual friends that may be able to talk to her about this??


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## dynamohumm6 (Feb 22, 2005)

My daughter's dad and I broke up when she was around 3. When my now husband and I got together a couple years later, this was one of the things her dad specifically asked me about. He said he wasn't comfortable with her sleeping with both of us (at that age, she would usually just come in in the morning for "morning cuddles" but otherwise slept in her own bed), so I didn't do it because I respect his wishes as her father. If she needed/wanted it, I would go cuddle her in her own bed, but she never slept in ours with both of us.
Since your situation is with a baby, I'm not sure how I would handle it. On one hand, I can't imagine not having my baby in bed with me. On the other, my baby is more important than anything else, so if necessary, the boyfriend would have to wait. It'd be hard, but I'd try to figure it out so that the father wasn't uncomfortable. It doesn't sound like your ex is being particularly reasonable, though.


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## swebster (Dec 7, 2004)

I would like to encourage you to not go the lawyer/custody route. Do you really want your baby to be taken away from his mom? In the end, who will suffer the most? Do you know how awful things could get when you begin to talk about co-sleeping in legal/court/affadavit type situations? Can you imagine CPS showing up and being able to legally require your ex to put your DS in a Crib in his own room immediately?

You are hurt and angry and it's completely understandable. Your ex may be needy and not making the best decisions, but from what you've said so far, her decisions sound a heck of a lot better than anything the courts would hand down.

Help your ex be the best mother she can be. Keep talking with her new BF, even though it's painful it is absolutely the best thing for your son.

eta: you might find this forum helpful http://www.mothering.com/discussions...play.php?f=234


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## ruliansdad (Jul 26, 2005)

yeah - i don't want to stop the cosleeping with baby and mom. and i'm realizing that even though it feels really horrible to ME to have a new man sleeping w/my baby so quickly, it's not harmful to our baby.

i did a phone consultation with jan hunt yesterday - the preeminent AP child psychologist (she was great). her take was that it was ok for them to cosleep, but that if / when they break up, to FADE this man's presence in my childs life instead of cutting off completely.
that made sense.

she also said that a big problem is the stress that this has created between my ex and i. she recommended using NVC(nonviolent communication) techniques to communicate. i tried some of those techniques last night when i dropped my son off, and they seemed to work well. my ex was still her usual blaming, negative, non-responsibility taking self, but i was able to just listen, understand, and accept how SHE was feeling, without getting upset. she got nothing from me about how i was feeling, but maybe that comes with time, if it's even important.

all i know is that my baby is the #1 thing to take care of. fighting w/mom is bad for him, regardless of how justified my anger and hurt is.

and swebster - i am not trying to "take him away from his mom" - i am not going for full custody - i'm going for joint. and i'm not going to try to do overnights until he's ready - maybe 18 months or so. i don't want cosleeping to be legally stopped. i wnat what's best for baby, and a big part of that included having a lot of time with a stable, loving parent (me) and getting time away from his pretty unhealthy mom. so that's what i'm going for right now.


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## swebster (Dec 7, 2004)

phew!

ruliansdad...I am so happy to read your post. I'm sorry if I came across as especially harsh, but after witnessing my sister and her ex go through (still going through after 4 years







) a very ugly messy breakup with five kids, I know how feeling hurt and sad (and justifiably so) can translate into unhealthy situations for the kids. They both continue to do really crazy irresponsible sh**, but usually it's the (over)reaction from the other parent that causes the most grief and sadness to the kids. Every parenting screw-up (and there are plenty), is seen as something to exploit to garner the favor of the courts, family and friends instead of seen as an area where extra help and support is needed. kwim? sorry I'm not able to explain more and I'm not saying this is what you are doing...just that this is how bad it can get....gotta run.

it sounds like you are really stepping up and being a grown-up parent.


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## mamachandi (Sep 21, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ruliansdad*
yeah - i don't want to stop the cosleeping with baby and mom. and i'm realizing that even though it feels really horrible to ME to have a new man sleeping w/my baby so quickly, it's not harmful to our baby.

i did a phone consultation with jan hunt yesterday - the preeminent AP child psychologist (she was great). her take was that it was ok for them to cosleep, but that if / when they break up, to FADE this man's presence in my childs life instead of cutting off completely.
that made sense.

she also said that a big problem is the stress that this has created between my ex and i. she recommended using NVC(nonviolent communication) techniques to communicate. i tried some of those techniques last night when i dropped my son off, and they seemed to work well. my ex was still her usual blaming, negative, non-responsibility taking self, but i was able to just listen, understand, and accept how SHE was feeling, without getting upset. she got nothing from me about how i was feeling, but maybe that comes with time, if it's even important.

all i know is that my baby is the #1 thing to take care of. fighting w/mom is bad for him, regardless of how justified my anger and hurt is.

and swebster - i am not trying to "take him away from his mom" - i am not going for full custody - i'm going for joint. and i'm not going to try to do overnights until he's ready - maybe 18 months or so. i don't want cosleeping to be legally stopped. i wnat what's best for baby, and a big part of that included having a lot of time with a stable, loving parent (me) and getting time away from his pretty unhealthy mom. so that's what i'm going for right now.

what a wonderful man and father you sound like. keep following your instinct and doing what you are doing. you sound like you have a very loving heart and a great head on your shoulder. Btw I agree with you and I wouldn't like it either. sounds creepy. its just too soon for that anyway imo.








~Let love lead the way~


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## lauraess (Mar 8, 2002)

Sorry you are going through this. I agree that it's a sticky situation if the courts are dragged into it and all of the stuff that could ensue.

Personally, i believe the mom in way shape or form should be allowing the new partner into 'their' bed. The likely hood that it will not last and the bond is broken might effect the child even more-so if co-sleeping. This is my intuition talking and think the mom should stay out of a relationship with a young baby.


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## lauraess (Mar 8, 2002)

Sorry you are going through this. I agree that it's a sticky situation if the courts are dragged into it and all of the stuff that could ensue.

Personally, i believe the mom in way shape or form should be allowing the new partner into 'their' bed. The likely hood that it will not last and the bond is broken might effect the child even more-so if co-sleeping. This is my intuition talking and think the mom should stay out of a relationship with a young baby.


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## 2mama (Feb 3, 2006)

I don't think that It will harm him emotionally at this point, but if she continues to man hop and cosleep with all of them along the way it will be a major problem. I also hope the your ex and this new guy have enough sense to lay off the relations while the little guy is in the bed.







I don't know how she or this new guy can do this. I wish she was the one writing this thread, as i would tell her how morally wrong this is







...... Any way hats off to you for being a concerned dad. Good luck, maybe you can talk to her and express your feelings using alot of I statements so she doesn't feel like like she is being attacked as you won't get any where if that happens.


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## gr33nie (Mar 16, 2006)

Just to share.

My good friend has often had her niece for sleep-overs since she was a little baby. She has been dating someone for the last three years and they have always co-slept on sleepovers. The little girl is very now very close to my friend's boyfriend.

However, my friend's sister was always comfortable w/that situation and if you are not, that is another thing.


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## BamBam'sMom (Jun 4, 2005)

You sound like a wonderful dad! It's so nice to hear a dad so genuinely concerned for the well-being of his baby. Nothing against dads in general; I just know of many (including my own) who don't make much of an effort in that sort of a situation.

I can tell that your child is very important to you. Sorry, I don't have any advice. I just wanted to let you know that I was touched by your story and I'm hoping things work out for you.

Good luck!!


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## ruliansdad (Jul 26, 2005)

thanks for all the feedback, freinds. this has been so hard, but i'm working thru it. i'm just really focusing on giving my little man stable love. i love him so much and i feel an incredible responsibility to try to give him the best of myself, not to mention that i feel like his other parent might not be able to give him a stable environment or life. i don't want to take him away from her,unless she becomes (as she has in the past) suicidal, verbally abusive, etc. she had some really hard times post-partum, but i saw a lot of the same stuff pre-pregnancy, so i'm not so sure it was just ppd. in retrospect there were lots of red flags... so many, but still i allowed myself to believe in her as a life partner. it was a lot of fantasy on my part. shoulda woulda coulda. but even though it was bad judgement on my part, i wouldn't take it back, because my little boy is the coolest guy in the world. today he stood up for like 5 seconds!!! he just cackled in joy after he fell on his butt.


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## SugarAndSun (Feb 6, 2005)

Ummm....

I think it probably isn't harmful yet, but could be very confusing as your dc gets older. At ten months my dswould probably have been like whatever, at 14 months he would have been freaked out, and now at 21 months he would def. be.

I would try to nip it in the bud. Also, if you think it won't last and she will be going through guys, it may be better for your son to sleep by himself rather than be exposed to different men... some of whom may be a danger.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

Here's my take: I have never been in a new relationship in which getting into bed together wasn't a sexually charged situation. It's always taken at least a couple of months for that to fade. Thus, in that time of new-ness, it is very difficult to resist sexual activity even if there are other people around. (Because I know this, I haven't put myself in this situation with my child present, but I've been there in a dorm room or hotel room where other adults were trying to sleep just a few feet away or in the same king-size bed.) While I can't say this is true of every single couple, my impression is that in general a new relationship is very sexually charged.

So, I think the appropriate solution is for ex's bf to sleep in another room while ex co-sleeps with baby. She can get up when baby's asleep and go into the other room with bf. She could even fall asleep there and stay until baby wakes up. No big sacrifice. If she doesn't have the right furniture to make this work, perhaps you could buy a fullsize bed or futon FOR YOUR SON and his mom so that her existing bed becomes available.

Personally, I co-sleep with my son in HIS room and visit my partner in our master bedroom. I think this option tends to be overlooked as a way to keep co-sleeping separate from mom's sex life. We really like it!









Good luck!







You sound like a great daddy.


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## ruliansdad (Jul 26, 2005)

envirobecca, i wish i could make these decisions, but i really feel like it's not up to me - i don't want to try to control her life. i do hope they won't be having sex in bed with the baby, but i don't know if i can do anything about it short of asking for her not to. that would probably make her really mad. but i guess that's ok. she's usually really mad. what a weird adjustment to make. i know i type it at the end of every post but it's important - i feel like my priority has got to just be being a great dad to my son - giving him the stability he needs - the stable love he deserves.


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