# My itty bitty baby bean is dead.....(LONG)



## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Never really wanted to post here....especially not like this....

I've been having cramping and VERY slight spotting on and off for like, 2 weeks (I'm currently 5 weeks, 6 days preg). Went to the hospital twice and had my doctor/friend order blood work--which was all perfect!

My hcg was 500 2 mondays ago (5/24/04), and then on Thursday (6/3/04) it was a wonderful 15,790 (!), and the gestational sac with questionable heart beat (don't forget-I'm early, so it's normal not to see a heart beat yet) was seen and measuring wonderfully so I was told by everyone that all is well, this happens in 50% of all pregs, etc etc...

Well, yesterday night, really uncomfortable cramps, diff than the other ones...and today even worse. Had the blood test by my friend, and all he said was that he's very sorry but the "numbers were down" and she was gone (as in dead, but still in the uterus).







I had him tell the lab to recheck, and even had him re-draw the blood and send it out again, but it was the same......

It's just so hard to believe--they just told me literally 2 days ago that they were sure everything was great! I have the sono picture and everything! (that is one thing I am greatful for--that I have my baby's photo...if i hadn't gone to the hospital, I'd have not had gotten this vital little grainy black and white pic). I was just getting real excited...thinking baout what a great big brother DS would make...how wonderful it would be to BF and sling...I even bought a pair of tiny baby socks (I know-I'm corny).

I really don't have much support IRL--my bf (the baby's father) was not thrilled about this pregnancy (it was far from planned, but I loved her). He's upset for me, not really for the loss--being supportive and sensitive to me, but it's not the same and it hurts knowing that for him this is probably a good thing--or a relief at least. NONE of my family even knows I'm pregnant...I'm debating as to whether or not to tell my 5 yo DS (if I do, it will be after I've healed a bit more)...he is very curious as to why mommy is so sad and hy her tummy is hurting and why she wants to be alone....poor thing-he's a smart, mature boy...

My best friend Nicholle knows I am (I guess *was) pregnant, but she was SO excited about it-we had our sons close together at age 16 (they're 3 mos apart-literally the day after I told her I was preg, she found out she was), and now she's preg with her 2nd who's a girl, and we were gonna go tru it together again....this girl got off the phone with me to call her whole family and tell them she was so happy...so she'll probably be more upset than comforting...

I guess I just needed to air this out...I haven't technically miscarried yet...it's a very sobering feeling knowing that the baby (i refuse to call her an embryo) inside of you is no longer alive...I really don't know what to expect-I mean emotionally. Physically I'm VERY used to horrible cramps and 14-16 day periods (I had a large fibroid). But emotionally...I dunno. My doctor friend told me that it's at a point where I may be able to identify the gestational sac and a small "embryo" inside...as well as the fibrous chorionic villi/beginning of placenta....in a way I do want to see this, as I feel like she is more than a blood clot to flush down the toilet, and to maybe get some closure. I'd also like to name her (does all of this sound morbid?), but I don't know...

And not to sound trivial, but this is a very busy time in my life (I'm going to school 6 days a week as a student nurse--3 days a week spent with either laboring women or newborns of all friggen things! plus raising my son)....what I mean by this is, I'll be unable to really focus on myself and my well being. I can't really take the time to reflect or meditate etc...and like I said-it's going to be very hard to teach breastfeeding and sawddling and pushing techniques to moms and dads while my own baby is dead in my womb...

Okay, well, I guess that's all I have the heart to type right now...I really need some support and or advice. I'm sorry if I sound so negative...

Goodnight,
Kelly


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## Vanyalos (Oct 22, 2003)

I'm so sorry .

I just recently went through a miscarriage - I was almost 11 weeks and had been having some slight spotting but no cramping, went in for an u/s and was told that the baby had died weeks earlier .

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for but I just wanted to say you're in my thoughts .


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

Kelly,
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you may find some kind of comfort here. There are so many mamas here that are sensitive and loving. I try to be one of them.
Please be gentle with yourself and get as much rest as you can. Much love to you sister and mama...

Jackie


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

Kelly-

I'm sorry for your loss.







Please feel free to feel however you want/need to feel. It's all right, any way you are feeling.

I do hope you can find some time to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. I miscarried twins last fall at eight weeks. It was in a VERY busy time, in fact, the day I passed most of them, I was taking a class to be certified in CPR. It was my birthday, and my dd's birthday, and a whole bunch of other occassions that needed to be celebrated or happen.

I should have taken a break, even a small one. I should have never taken the CPR class, or had company over two days after it happened, or kept working like I was. Even a day long break would have been something. It's my biggest regret, that I didn't even give them an hour, in the beginning, because I feel they deserved it.

I know life has to go on, and there are things like jobs or whatever else that can't just be given up, but please take care of yourself.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

So sorry for your loss. I had my first miscarriage at 11 weeks, the second at 6 weeks this last December. Each time I did miscarry naturally at home and was able to see the embryo/sac/placenta, and it was very important for us to be able to have a small ceremony for letting go of them (we took them both to the ocean). It was also very important to name them. However early this is a very real loss and it's important to give yourself space for grieving and also recovering physically. With the 2nd m/c I didn't really do that and found myself sinking into a depression a couple of months later without fully understanding why. Also important to really take care of yourself physically as you go through this. I drank tons of red raspberry leaf and nettle tea, took lots of Vit C, echinacea, continued pre-natals, iron supplements, and ate well. Take care.


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## coleslaw (Nov 11, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby just a couple of weeks ago at 11.5 weeks, but the baby was gone shortly after we had an ultrasound and saw the heartbeat, so I thought everything was fine. So I can relate to that feeling of disbelief at how did this happen.

Try to take a break if you can. I know I had a hard time seeing newborns (still do sometimes) the first week after. You may also want some recouping time after the m/c actually happens.

If you don't have anyone IRL who can comfort (or even if you do), please come here. This is the best place to ask anything, grieve the way you need to and get a wonderful group of women supporting you.


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## Mom2baldie (Oct 29, 2002)

Kelly,

I am very sorry for your loss.









I had a miscarriage last Sept. at 12.5 weeks and it is one of my most treasured experiences. I too, wanted to find the baby so she could be buried. We also named her. You can read about my experience below, if it might help you with yours. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ad.php?t=86476

What you want to do is not morbid at all. You should do whatever you need to do to help yourself grieve and then heal.

Im sorry you dont have much support IRL, you can always come here to talk, cry and vent.


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## gonnabeamom (Sep 15, 2003)

I am sorry you lost your baby. I am sorry you have so little support IRL.

I went through some of what you are going through in terms of suddeness. They had been monitoring my bean pretty closely, and every peice of good news came with some baffling peice of bad news, then I got "oh everything looks great" followed by no h/b.

It's hard to get your mind around it.

I don't think your desire to name, or bury your baby is morbid. I think you should honor your baby whatever way you can, that feels good to you. I did a ritual after my first m/c where I took a tiny bit of the blood, and a small onsie, and took them to the park and buried them near a special tree that I can go visit. I had had a very surreal experience bc I hadn't known I was pregnant. I feel like the ritual helped me ground the experience, and mark my grief.

With so few people in your life who know what you are going through, and frankly even when people do know, it's important to have something that helps make it real, and bearable for you.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I'm so sorry, please feel free to come here and talk about everything.


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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)

I really don't have much to say, but just know that you are loved Mama. Be gentle with yourself,


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

CMM- I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you will need to find a way to take some space for yourself over the coming weeks. Hopefully you will be able to do that. We will support you in whatever way you need- just ask.

And I don't think there's anything you could say here that's related to your loss that we would think is inappropriate or morbid. Whatever you need to do to process this is what you should do.

Take care.
ST


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## purplegirl (Apr 5, 2004)

Kelly, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have been there too and know the pain and disappointment. I send you healing thoughts and hopes that you get the support you need to get through this difficult time.








Lisa


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Thank you all so much for your support. i really appreciate everything, honestly.....

She left my body today-this morning.







The heavy spotting began this am, then about 10:00 I was fixing ds something to munch on when I got a horrible cramp and felt the need to run to the bathroom where I had put some plastic disposable cups...and the placenta came out with a gush of blood. i really just expected a thick tissue-not a real placenta. What a tiny placenta-it couldn't have been bigger than a silver dollar...

then about 30 min later, I went into a hot bath to help the cramps and meditate and the baby came out-she's about half as long as my pinky finger nail and the features aren't as distinguishable as they appear in "the books", although I could tell head from body, and kinda see the buds.

I was VERY shocked that this happened so quickly-I just expected to have a few days of what I'd been having (light cramping and spotting). But I am greatful that it happened today (Sunday-my only day off) so i really could take some time to be alone and focus on what was happening. I'm greatful that I had the cups there and will be able to bury her and the placenta. i'm also considering the ocean or beach, this way I can go visit her. Right now I live in an apartment, so if I bury her here and move....plus I've always found the ocean very peaceful and powerful all at once, as well as very symbolic of life-the waves, the tide, all of that...

But again, thank you so much. it really helps to have people here that have been through what I am going through (although it sucks that any of us have this experience at all) and to tell me that I'm not crazy for wanting to do these things. My bf still doesn't understand my motives and reasons (he asked, when I came out of the tub, "Is it safe to go in there?" meaning did I get rid of all the blood and hide the baby/placenta), although he is trying to be supportive--getting me what I need, keeping ds busy, rubbing my feet, understanding when I get angry, etc.... I'm still not sure if I should tell ds-I'd like him to be a part of the ceremony at the beach and feel like he has a right to know. I may just tell him afterwards and have him visit the site later....I don't know yet. What did you mamas do if you had living children at the time?

Okay, well, I'm going to go rest. I don't have much of an appetite, but I'm drinking some milkshakes (homemade w/healthy stuff) to keep my energy. i'm trying to teach my bf to make hummus(has lots of iron), but that may be a lost cause....

Best Wishes to all of you Wonderful Mamas,
Kelly


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I wish I had just the right words to say. I'm so sorry again.

Take care of yourself.


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## hnybee (Sep 21, 2003)

A tiny blessing admist all this pain. You will have a chance to bury your precious angel and maybe make it a place you can visit often.

God bless you and your family. Hang in there!!

-Melissa


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## Mom2baldie (Oct 29, 2002)

Kelly,

I am glad you and your baby found each other.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find some support IRL. I did tell my son about his sister, and he was at her funeral, but every situation is different. You know in your heart what is right for your son, and only you can make that decision. I am glad that you got to catch your little one and that you will be able to have some ceremony for her. Take care of yourself.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Again, thank you all. I talked to my bf about telling my son and he says no way....I asked him why and he told me his philosophy, which is "Is there any good that can come of this? No-so don't do it"









He doesn't want ds (5) to tell everyone in the family (as I said this was not planned, and no one really knew on my family or his--which also makes this harder for me because no one knows what I'm going through). He is a very private person and would rather not have "everyone" involved. Plus his mom would give him crap about it, and his dad (a preacher--a VERY insensitive preacher-but that's another thread all together) would get into it how we strayed from the flock (again) and this is punishment, we should've been more God-like, etc....









My family would ask me what the hell is the matter with me-getting pregnant when I'm finally getting on with my schooling and money is very tight....'why didn't I tell them earlier'....I don't want everyone to look upon this pregnancy as if it were a horrible, evil burdon or something just because the timing was off.







: Plus I know I'd get a thousand "It's for the best" and a hundred "It wasn't a good time anyway" and a million "You can get pregnant again when you're ready" and that's not what I want (or need) to hear. I'm sure many of you can relate to that.

So I can see where he's coming from on the not telling ds stance, but on the other hand, I don't want her to be a total secret...I'll have to meditate on this for a while, but I'm leaning on having a ceremony of sorts with just myself and maybe my bf (although like I said, he's not on the same page as me with this loss), then later, take ds to the site I chose and tell him what happened and all.

Best Wishes,
Kelly

PS-If any of you are wondering why I keep calling the baby she and her, it's because with my son, I knew he was a boy within days of getting the pos preg test...even when to sono tech said it was a girl, I told her no, it's a boy. Anyway, I had the same feeling with this pregnancy except it was very strong towards the opposite sex. i have no scientific proof or anything, just what my heart tells me.







Just so you know why I'm doing that.


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## rainbowmoon (Oct 17, 2003)

I am so sorry mama..I hope you can find some sort of peace here. please take care of yourself.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

I am going to the beach tomorrow to bury my baby. I went to Michael's on Wednesday (a craft store) and bought two small chests (one larger than the other). They are both unfinished, plain wood and have a small metal clasp to hold them closed-they sort of resemble treasure chests. Anyway, the smaller one, which could hold a deck of cards, I will place the baby/placenta and the ID bracelet I got from the hospital the day I learned that she was no longer thriving. This will be buried as-is at the beach.

In the larger box, which is about half the size of a kid's shoe box, I will place the sono picture, the ID bracelet from that day and the positive pregnancy test, and this will stay in my bedroom, in my dresser. I'm thinking of finishing this one, maybe staining it a little darker and using those wood-burning tools to write her name and important dates on the top and/or bottom.

I was debating whether to name her or not, and I assumed that if i would name her it would be something like Angel or Angelica or something symbolic of that, given the circumstances, but it's strange....I woke up the other morning and the name "Elizabeth Grace" was in my head...maybe I had a dream about it or something, but it was in my head as soon as I woke up. And it's strange, I've never personally cared for the name Grace (no offense to anyone!) and I always felt quite neutral about the name Elizabeth-nice name, but I wouldn't have named my daughter that. Anyway, after that, it just seemed like the right name for her and I have no idea why.

How did all of you decide if/what to name your miscarried or stillborn children.

ALSO: Does anyone have any advice for talking with my SO about this-he's been very unresponsive to my emotional needs....I truly believe that he sees this as a blessing in disguise and that eventually I will see the light or something... He'll be the first one to drop what he's doing and run to the store to buy maxi-pads (without complaining or being embarassed) or running to 7-11 to buy me a milky-way, or to rub my feet or anything else physical, but emotionally, I need him to be there, and he rolled his eyes when i told him I was thinking of naming her. His response later that evening was something like "Kelly, c'mon....what's the sense in naming it? You really have to let this go, you can't just worry about it all the time."







:
So, yes, he's acting like an a**, but I know he's a good person and once he see's how I feel, he'll be more receptive. Any ideas? I'm desperate!

Best Wishes,
Kelly


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## Katana (Nov 16, 2002)

Just wanted to give you some























Burying her at the beach sounds so lovely and peaceful. Elizabeth Grace is a beautiful name.

I'm sorry you are not getting the emotional support you need.

How does your bf respond to you when you are emotional to him? Is he mostly sensitive, like he needs to be told you're hurting, instead of realizing it on his own, or does he know you're hurting, but ignores it?

If you feel the need to talk to him about what you're feeling, or what you need from him, I say go ahead. Even if he doesn't respond the way you need him to, at least he can't say you didn't tell him how you were feeling.

Maybe he needs just a couple of days or even weeks to let this even sink in? And then, maybe you could tell him what you need from him, so he knows. Then it's up to him to try to give you some of what you need.

I know, it's so hard to be so unsupported, IRL. Any time you need a hug, just give yourself one, from me.







And come to this board, anytime you need, there's so much support and love here. While it doesn't quite take away the sting and pang of being alone with the loss away from here, it does help.

And here's a







for any moron who starts with the, 'it's for the best' or 'it was God's will' or 'the timing was off' type of sentence.


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## muse (Apr 17, 2002)

Your plans for saying goodbye to Elizabeth grace are beautiful, as is the name. I hope it is a healing experience for you.

We named our first baby Moon since I miscarried on a full moon; and our 2nd m/c'd baby was Solstice because it was Winter solstice. That just felt right and obvious each time.

It is so hard to go through something like this without the emotional support you need. On the one hand I think men can never feel or experience these losses in quite the same way, but to even hint at suggesting that maybe your feelings are not valid can be so destructive.

With my first m/c I felt Dh and I really went through it together and I felt 100% supported; with the 2nd it was really bad timing and there were other stressors in our life, and I always had the feeling Dh was relieved and while he did support me he wasn't "there" in the same way. That was in Dec and I feel until a month or so ago that stuck with me and stopped me from healing properly and caused some problems in our relationship. We started counselling together to deal with some other stuff and this popped out of my mouth the first session and I was in tears in an instant. It's been really important for me to verbalize to Dh how unsupported I felt and slowly he has been abler to admit and explore why he wasn't there for me fully and to apologise and make amends.

I wish you luck with it all; maybe just being able to sit down and express how unsupported you're feeling would be a wake up call for him, or maybe you could both benefit from a couple of counselling sessions together.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

That is a lovely way to say goodbye. I'm not sure what to say about your bf, my dh is very supportive but always feels the need to be "strong" for me and sometimes I'd just like him to cry too. With each m/c he has always been there, strong and steady, but I was never REALLY sure he was all that upset--yk?? Then, a waitress at our local pub who we know well and got pregnant just after we did the fist time delivered her baby early at only 30 weeks. He was fine but we were in the pub looking at her photo album and I looked up and he had tears running down his face. About a week after that we had a fight (blame hormones) and I accused him of not caring and he then confessed that at work (he does shipping/receiving at a grocery warehouse) he's only recently been able to load any baby stuff without feeling like he would cry. It blew me away, obviously he was very affected by all of this, but just didn't know how to express it and felt I needed him to be the steady influence even though it would have meant SO much to me to see him cry too. Does that make sense?? I guess what I'm saying is maybe he's not quite as cold to it as he seems, but maybe he feels he has to be for you and your son.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

CMM- I'm glad that you will have a ritual to say goodbye to Elizabeth Grace. I think it will be very healing for you. It doesn't matter what anyone says, you are the one who was pregnant with Elizabeth and you are the one who has to come to terms with her loss. Screw everybody else who thinks they know how you should grieve. They're wrong. Look at all the ritual around Reagan's death. Your sweet Elizabeth deserves to being mourned properly.

I have a suggestion for your bf. I participated in pregnancy loss support program and found it to be *very* helpful to me. It is something that you can do which will fit into your schedule too, it's phone sessions. They also offer this service to men (a man will call your bf). My bf said he wasn't interested in doing it at first, but after months of me greiving sooooo hard, I felt like he really needed it.
What I told him was that he could talk to this person about how hard it has been for him to support me during this time. That was his "in." A peer counselor called him and he had a great session on the phone. Afterwards he said it was very helpful to talk to him and he wants to have another session. I didn't ask him what they talked about, but I noticed a difference in how dh responded to me when I was in a "moment"- he seemed to have a clearer sense that it wasn't just me, that what I was going through was part of the process.

I am going to PM you.

I hope your goodbye to Elizabeth Grace was meaningful and peaceful.


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## Sacred Feather (Jun 1, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. I so know what you are going thru. I got pregnant 7 years ago and noone knew. The father had left me, my family was in a different state and my best friend was in hawaii on vacation. I was 12 weeks along when I found out and by my 14th week I was having problems. My baby girl stopped growing at 16 weeks and her heart stopped around the same time. My then 9 year old son never even knew I was pregnant but after she was born, we had a ceremony for her.

Peace be with you. If you need to talk, I'm here.


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## jeca (Sep 21, 2002)

I'm sorry mama.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

I put the little Angel baby into my signature...

I didn't get to have the ceremony on Sunday, as it was a bad day for all of us-I was depressed, my bf was just cranky and rude and ds wanted to visit his grandmother more than anything...so I guess maybe next sunday, since I'll probably be by myself...

I broke up with my bf (we were together 6 and a half years) and will be moving back in with my horrible parents tonight, which is so bad for my mental health, and not great for ds's physical or mental health....not to mention I will not be able to teach childbirth classes anymore-I'd been using my livingroom...so there goes my primary source of income(I don't work outside the home and get most of my doula clients from my classes) So all in all this has been the crappiest, hardest time in my life, which doesn't show signs of improving, and now I have NO support IRL.

My x "doesn't want to hear it any more" about the MC, about my stress, about how I need him and I feel neglected, about how he lied to me about talking to some girl (actually, he swore on my life...knowing it was a lie...) He basically told me last night to get out of *his apartment if I was going to treat him like this and "make" him throw the coffee table(WTF?). So whatever. I can't keep giving and giving and feeling like I never get back.

Sorry, I guess that's a whole different thread, huh? Yay for pitty parties, huh?







But really, thank you all for your support, it really helps me get through avery difficult time in my life.


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