# 5 year old scared of dying



## abandbunk (Jan 7, 2006)

I don't know how to deal w/this, my five year old recently "found out" that people die, i don't know how it had evaded him for those previous five years but he was watching a show about the dead sea on pbs w/his dad and was concerned about them finding old human bones and why would that be, well i may not have handled it the best (in retrospect, of course....) and i said something along the lines of the fact that you know everybody dies eventually (ugh







! ) but that it wasn't something that he needed to worry about, as that would be a very very very long time from now. Welllllll he did worry, and apperently has continued to (he brought it up again today, and this was months ago) and i am really stumped as how to comfort him w/o lying about it (something i would obviously like to avoid, i don't even like "santa claus" lol). We are not "religous" so to speak so that presents a problem i guess, i have to admit (and please dont' take offense if you are religious i dont' mean it offensively at all) i wish there was some fluffy thing i could tell him to comfort him but alas.....
Anywayyyyy i guess what i am asking is has anyone had to deal w/this before? Any advice? ideas?

also, just thought of something important, he was worried enuf about it to be crying, and pretty upset and also mentioned he has thought about it since that day he watched that show (well not all the time i hope but enuf that he mentioned it...).
Thank you~


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## marincarrie (Nov 30, 2004)

My almost 5 year old is having the same issue. I did the same thing you did, I told him that everyone dies eventually but he didn't need to worry about it because it would be so far away. Yeah, right--he worried a lot! Same deal here, he cried and was really upset about it. For a few days after he would start to cry and tell me that he was thinking about dying again.

He kept saying "tell me we won't die, tell me we won't die!" and I thought, geez why not just tell him that! He's got his whole life to figure out that we actually DO die, why not let him think we don't for a while!! I kept with the truth, however, and while he did mention it a few times after, he hasn't said anything for probably a month now.

It sucks--I don't know how to handle it, just wanted to let you know that I did what you did, and he seems to have forgotten about it. I wish I would have had a better answer when he asked, I was kind of stumped, but went with the truth!

Anyway, good luck to you. The way I see it we must just have some pretty sensitive little guys : )

Carrie
Boden (8-19-03)
Nathan (5-7-07)


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## AntoninBeGonin (Jun 24, 2005)

I would just be upfront with him. Tell him that usually it's really old people who die (at least in countries like ours). Tell him that he really has nothing to worry about. I think a lot of kids start questioning their existance around that age. He'll be fine







.


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## familylove (Mar 14, 2006)

DS also went through this when he was 4-5 y/o. I think its a natural time for kids to start asking questions. (Although _I_ certainly wasn't ready to talk about it.)

We told DS (and still do everytime he asks why people die and what happens) that our bodies wear out over time. Our hearts aren't as strong or our bones. There isn't anyway to fix these parts and, after a while, our parts give out completely. We also remind him that its ok to be sad and that dying and death bother a lot of people. We, too, tell him that all of this is a long, long, long way off and he has nothing to worry about.

Hang in there!


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## abandbunk (Jan 7, 2006)

Thank you so much for the replies, i can not tell you how much that helps, just hearing of other kids going thru teh same or similar things and the hugs, i appreciate it. i did tell him today he could come to me anytime he thinks about it or is sad, that it is normal to be saddened by things, and it's ok to be sad about it. He also mentioned being worried about my being older than him (putting together the fact that i will die sooner than he). And while he was on the topic he said he was scared to grow up lol, poor guy, i asked him why and he wasn't really sure, altho a few min. later he said to me "will you still be my mom when i grow up?" i laughed and said of course, he wasn't going to be able to get rid of me







and he laughed and seemed glad (lol, at least now he is







). Anyway, thank you again for responding, it had been on my mind all day, it really helps to hear from other moms


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## rhubarbarin (May 2, 2008)

I don't know if telling them they don't have to worry about it is the right strategy.. I was exposed to death (my baby brother's) at a very young age and was very affected by it. When I was 14 my dad was inches from death for weeks and weeks. The fact is death can touch anyone's life at any time, and not only old people die.

I don't know the right thing to say to comfort a child, but honesty is the best policy. Most people are scared of death their whole lives, it's just sad and awful, and unfortuantely there's nothing we can do about it.

I know people who are grieving who have a huge sense of betrayal and anger at those who told them death wouldn't hurt them, or even at their religion for letting a good person hurt or die. Maybe if we didn't sugarcoat death so much in this country, and let kids experience it more as a natural process, it would be healthier for everyone.


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## abandbunk (Jan 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rhubarbarin* 
I don't know if telling them they don't have to worry about it is the right strategy.. I was exposed to death (my baby brother's) at a very young age and was very affected by it. When I was 14 my dad was inches from death for weeks and weeks. The fact is death can touch anyone's life at any time, and not only old people die.

I don't know the right thing to say to comfort a child, but honesty is the best policy. Most people are scared of death their whole lives, it's just sad and awful, and unfortuantely there's nothing we can do about it.

I know people who are grieving who have a huge sense of betrayal and anger at those who told them death wouldn't hurt them, or even at their religion for letting a good person hurt or die. Maybe if we didn't sugarcoat death so much in this country, and let kids experience it more as a natural process, it would be healthier for everyone.

I definetly see what you are saying, and appreciate your different response, you touched on a point i had been pondering as well (my dad died when i was two years old so altho i don't remember it ~the event itself~ i know very well that death can happen at anytime to anyone, and have known this since, well, since i was two). I however do see a difference between not needing to *worry* about things that may or may not happen (as in, it's not something for you to worry and think about frequently) and lying kwim, i think death is (of course) a fact of life, but it isn't something that i worry about kwim? it isn't something in our control, and it isn't worth wasting life worrying about something you have little to no control over and never know when it will happen. I agree that lying is never a good idea, we do all die at some point. You made a good point. Thank you for your input .

Afterthought, how do you explain to kids that they don't need to "worry" about death, yet be honest that it can happen at anytime to anyone?
also just thought about the fact that they recently asked who was in a picture i had in my room, i told them it was my dad, and they asked where was, i said he didn't live here anymore, they said where does he live and i said he died, they asked when and i told them when i was a little girl. i wonder if that convo has anything to do w/this whole scenerio? i hope they are not worried their dad will die when they are young.....
ugh, fun stuff


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

We have talks about death at our house probably more than most families because our daughter was stillborn three years ago and we discuss her often. My daughter, who is five, has gone through a lot of emotions and fears about death and we have tried to answer as honestly and simply as possible, using her questions to guide us as to how in depth we get. We are not religious and so we simply explain that our bodies go back to the earth and we keep our deceased loved ones close in our thoughts and hearts.
She had a lot of fears about us dying and people dying and so we have tried to focus on things that are in our control. We talk about eating healthy, wearing seat belts, not smoking, etc...We allow her to be sad about death and encourage her to talk about her fears when she needs to. It has actually opened the door to conversations about religion and that people believe many different things about after life and she can believe whatever makes the most sense to her.
I know death can be scary for people of all ages and so sometimes that makes it all the harder to try and explain it to a child. I feel honesty is best and keeping the communication open so your child does not feel alone in his/her feelings. I think it sounds like you've been doing just that!


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## abandbunk (Jan 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *aswbarry* 
We have talks about death at our house probably more than most families because our daughter was stillborn three years ago and we discuss her often. My daughter, who is five, has gone through a lot of emotions and fears about death and we have tried to answer as honestly and simply as possible, using her questions to guide us as to how in depth we get. We are not religious and so we simply explain that our bodies go back to the earth and we keep our deceased loved ones close in our thoughts and hearts.
She had a lot of fears about us dying and people dying and so we have tried to focus on things that are in our control. We talk about eating healthy, wearing seat belts, not smoking, etc...We allow her to be sad about death and encourage her to talk about her fears when she needs to. It has actually opened the door to conversations about religion and that people believe many different things about after life and she can believe whatever makes the most sense to her.
I know death can be scary for people of all ages and so sometimes that makes it all the harder to try and explain it to a child. I feel honesty is best and keeping the communication open so your child does not feel alone in his/her feelings. I think it sounds like you've been doing just that!









Thank you. I think that is a good point to talk about the many ways we can try to keep healthy and i did make a small mention of the fact that many people think many many different things about what happens after you die (and you made a really good point about letting them know that they can believe whatever makes teh most sense to them, i like the way you worded that). Interestingly enuf he is hugely obsessed w/egyptians and pyramids at this time (well for teh last 6 months or so) and i don't think he has put together the fact that they were quite obsessed w/the "afterlife" . Anyway, i value your input, thank you, and a hug for you too







, i'm sorry for your loss. And your dd's.


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## plantmama (Jun 24, 2005)

My ds has talked about this too lately. Some questions about us dying but mostly about animals. Like if we're eating chicken, "Is this dead?" So we've taken to giving thanks to the animals and nature for our food.
Also "will I die?" which is such a sad question to think about for me.
We also say "probably when you are old and ready".
We also talk about going back into the earth and being turned into other things and a bit about the soul. Dh and I aren't religious but we do believe in the soul.
I wonder if talking about what the Egyptians believed or other traditions thought about death would help or confuse?
There is a children's book about death in the Montessori catalog I get that I've thought about buying.
More of us used to be so much closer to death when our family members died at home (and more frequently) and children were more likely to see animals being killed for food. It is almost a shock to talk to people who have had death close to them. I remember talking to a couple whose baby died last summer. It really reminds you that death is this mysterious presence that many of us don't think about too much.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but this disscusion brings up many interesting ideas.


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## MommytoTwo (Jun 20, 2004)

Quote:

There is a children's book about death in the Montessori catalog I get that I've thought about buying
Do you happen to remember the name of the book, or the catalog?
DS (5.5) talks about it a lot, and even DD (3.5) is starting to ask about bugs being dead and so forth.


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

we have always been very matter of fact about death in our family. We had a baby die during delivery 2 years before dd was born, and she knows about him and talks about him sometimes; she's even on occasion asked to look at our photo album about him, and cried. She also was present for the burial of our two old cats, and sometimes talks about them, too. She's never expressed fear of death, but has asked questions about it, and what we always tell her is that we hope that we will all get to live together and enjoy each other's company for a long, long time. as for what happens after, we tell her that we don't know for sure, that no one does, but that there are a lot of ideas. i tell her that i believe all of our energy goes back into the world, but it's clear there's room for other ideas about that.

over the years I have watched friends of mine really not be able to handle death, and i want my kid to have a healthy approach to it, so we just really strive for honesty and matter of fact-ness. so far, so good.


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## sadie_sabot (Dec 17, 2002)

oh and we talk about death being part of the cycle of life. natural and normal.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

I also agree that it's age appropriate. I would try to distance the discussion from the immediate family and maybe focus on those Egyptians or great-great-great-great grandparents or squooshed bugs or a friend's pet. I have a very sensitive kid and she often is able to absorb ideas better if she doesn't have to face them head-on. If she can kind of warm up to the idea by thinking about a big concept like death in terms of people and critters that she doesn't have an emotional attachment to then she can work her way up to things, letting the realization that all people-including all of us in the family-die kinda bubble under the surface.

There are a lot of great books about death and dying. I haven't read them all, but you might like to check out these (from a list I compiled of books at our local library). These look the most general and not specific about a grandparent or pet, etc. I haven't read most of them.

The tenth good thing about Barney (about a cat and sad, but not religious if I recall correctly)

The Kids' book about death and dying / by and for kids ; the Unit at Fayerweather Street School ; edited and coordinated by Eric E. Rofes

When dinosaurs die : a guide to understanding death / Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

Where do people go when they die? / Mindy Avra Portnoy ; illustrations by Shelly O. Haas

I found a dead bird : the kids' guide to the cycle of life & death / Jan Thornhill


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## abandbunk (Jan 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *plantmama* 
My ds has talked about this too lately. Some questions about us dying but mostly about animals. Like if we're eating chicken, "Is this dead?" So we've taken to giving thanks to the animals and nature for our food.
Also "will I die?" which is such a sad question to think about for me.
We also say "probably when you are old and ready".
We also talk about going back into the earth and being turned into other things and a bit about the soul. Dh and I aren't religious but we do believe in the soul.
I wonder if talking about what the Egyptians believed or other traditions thought about death would help or confuse?
There is a children's book about death in the Montessori catalog I get that I've thought about buying.
More of us used to be so much closer to death when our family members died at home (and more frequently) and children were more likely to see animals being killed for food. It is almost a shock to talk to people who have had death close to them. I remember talking to a couple whose baby died last summer. It really reminds you that death is this mysterious presence that many of us don't think about too much.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but this disscusion brings up many interesting ideas.

Ah yes, the book in montessori, i had forgotten about that (the time i saw it we weren't looking lol), thank you for the reminder! My kiddo asks about things we eat too, he told me one time he didn't think it was very nice (and we fish for salmon here...).
I think bringing up the egyptians could be a good starting point, to point out how many people have so many ideas about what happens after life. We are not religous either but i do believe in spirit or soul in all of us (well all things really) and i did briefly touch on that, he wondered would he be able to see and hear, and i said i didn't know lol, cuz i don't! That is part of what is so hard, none of us really know kwim? so many things kids ask there is a "right answer" for, and for this there just isn't.
I agree about death seeming less normal nowdays for some reason (altho not on tv or media lol) for instance my dad died when i was two, my grandpa died in the room next to me when i was five (he wanted to die at home, he had cancer) and so on, so for them it's different, they have not had the same experiences.
Thanks for your imput







.


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## abandbunk (Jan 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sadie_sabot* 
oh and we talk about death being part of the cycle of life. natural and normal.

That is a good point, a very good point. Because of course, it is.
Yesterday we talked about bugs and plants etc. all dying, that that is just the way of things, but i like the idea of tieing it into the whole cycle of things....
Thank you.


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## abandbunk (Jan 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *beanma* 
I also agree that it's age appropriate. I would try to distance the discussion from the immediate family and maybe focus on those Egyptians or great-great-great-great grandparents or squooshed bugs or a friend's pet. I have a very sensitive kid and she often is able to absorb ideas better if she doesn't have to face them head-on. If she can kind of warm up to the idea by thinking about a big concept like death in terms of people and critters that she doesn't have an emotional attachment to then she can work her way up to things, letting the realization that all people-including all of us in the family-die kinda bubble under the surface.

There are a lot of great books about death and dying. I haven't read them all, but you might like to check out these (from a list I compiled of books at our local library). These look the most general and not specific about a grandparent or pet, etc. I haven't read most of them.

The tenth good thing about Barney (about a cat and sad, but not religious if I recall correctly)

The Kids' book about death and dying / by and for kids ; the Unit at Fayerweather Street School ; edited and coordinated by Eric E. Rofes

When dinosaurs die : a guide to understanding death / Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

Where do people go when they die? / Mindy Avra Portnoy ; illustrations by Shelly O. Haas

I found a dead bird : the kids' guide to the cycle of life & death / Jan Thornhill

Thank you thank you! i will check those out for sure, books are such a great way to learn about a topic, and it seems he wants to hear from other people too ywkim? So a couple books would be a great way to do that.
My kiddo is pretty sensitive too (no clue where he gets that from







) so i definetly see what you are saying about warming up to big ideas like that, it is a lot to digest all at once.
Thank you for your imput! i really appreciate teh book list.


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## plantmama (Jun 24, 2005)

And here's the Montessori book:

http://www.forsmallhands.com/store/i...ath=84_110_677

In case you can't open it it's in the catalog "forsmallhands.com"
It looks interesting.
Thanks for bringing this up abandbunk, it's good to read about others' experiences with their children and the questions and answers that come up.
I think the point that it is mysterious and unknown is what can be scary to some. Children like to feel that their parents' know what the deal is and what's going to happen.
I guess their questions just keep getting harder to answer too.


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## littletravelers (Jun 1, 2008)

yes, super normal at this stage and i would suggest stories! not so much picture books because that limits their experience to what's on the page but told stories of caterpillars and butterflies- stories of transformation. even if you're not religious you can probably embrace the idea of life cycles, right? things are born, they die and new things are born. the child is looking for predictability and order by asking about this. a daily rhythm that is predictable and maybe raising some caterpillars would be a wonderful thing.

also, we tell the story of children 'crossing the rainbow bridge' when they are born. so when a child exits they also 'cross back over the rainbow bridge."
my daughter was 5 lasts year when her babysitter committed suicide and overheard her father telling me on the phone, which was on speaker. When i got off the phone she said, "I know what happened. ----- died.' the next day in kindergarten her teacher told me that she told the whole class that ----'s sister crossed back over the rainbow bridge.' We had a 3 year old friend cross over last month due to a brain tumor and she also said very compassionately, 'i guess he just wanted to go back early.'

creating a soft, nurturing image around death will take the scary out of it. look to nature and make up your own stories about 'the last little leaf' or the 'very last bit of snow to melt' or the last flower before they were all covered with snow.'

the story i told the children in my preschool when their classmate crossed was about a flower that bloomed so beautifully, then wilted, made seeds that fell to the earth, was covered in snow and then bloomed again in spring, but then it wilted...

then we planted some seeds in the garden.

i added some humor to it with my own girls when they were this age and they would say they didn't want me to die and always wanted me to be their mom. i would say, 'oh, i hope after i die i come back as your baby next time and you're the dad!' they would laugh and protest something fierce, "I DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR DAD!" I would try to climb in their lap and say, 'dada' it was all very funny. i still sometimes call them dad and say things like, 'i sure hope you don't make me mow the lawn.' and we all laugh. death doesn't have to be completely serious.

angelina, mom of two


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)




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