# How do you respond to people who tell you to CIO?



## rachandlily (Jul 15, 2008)

And in my life that's pretty much everyone! I'm so sleep deprived that I don't have the energy to respond intelligently to all these advice-givers. I sorta wish I had a good one-liner that would put an end to the conversation. What do you say to people that tell you to let your baby cry it out??


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## Chloe'sMama (Oct 14, 2008)

I just say no and don't discuss it. But I have to say, whenever I have a conversation about co-sleeping I always say 'I love co-sleeping, I feel great and she feels great, it works for us' before they ever had a chance to tell me to CIO. Even if I am feeling tired, I say the same thing...... well, to people outside my trust circle. I tell my friends if I have a rough night, but I always add 'I would not change our sleeping situation even for more sleep.'

It is so frustrating when people think it is their business to tell me how to sleep.


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## tanyam926 (May 25, 2005)

First of all, it's not a wise idea to complain about any parenting issue w/people who don't parent the same way you do. So venting to your CIO happy friend/mil/gma about how tired you are is only going to invite them to offer suggestions that go against what you believe in.

I only complain about my kids to my mom bc she understands and is on board w/AP parenting. To everyone else who asks, my kids sleep, eat, act wonderful.

If you are getting unsolicited advice about CIO I would just say something like, "That's great that it worked for you", and change the subject. If they have done it w/their kids and you launch into the damage CIO does to kids it will only put them on the defensive and they won't hear what you are trying to say.

It's hard not to get your feelings hurt when your parenting is called into question (I know I do when I hear it sometimes from my gma and my aunt) but stay firm in what you know in your heart. It DOES get easier! I promise.


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## sept15lija (Jun 21, 2008)

When people ask me how I'm doing or how baby's sleeping (or they would ask me "is he a good baby?" which usually means does he sleep







) I would say we're doing great and he's a great baby. I never said anything about how tired I was except to people I know supported my views. This meant I wasn't completely honest with siblings, parents, close friends...I was SO sick of the "advice" though. And it also meant I didn't have a lot of support IRL. It's tough not being part of the 95% who CIO when looking for someone to commiserate with - thank goodness for MDC!


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

I always say that my children need me and I will do what I need to do to meet their needs... thus CIO does not fit in with my parenting style.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

I just flat out say, I Don't do that. EVER. The end. Usually they don't continue pushing because of the look on my face


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## LeeKei (Mar 13, 2008)

THis is what I tell them.

If you could hear and adult crying audibly would you just ignore them? or would you go and talk to them and ask what is wrong, comfort, love on, try to help them? If you wouldnt do it to an adult why in the world would you do it to a baby!?!?!?!
GRRRRRR this topic gets me blood boiling!!!


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

These were the lessons I learned:

1) Never talk to anyone about being tired who isn't also a sleep deprived AP mom. Slap a smile on your face and keep one foot in front of the other.

2) "We're fine." "Thanks, we're doing fine." "She's fine." "Thanks, I'm fine." like that....


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## mntnmom (Sep 21, 2006)

"If my child misbehaved, and I locked him in a dark room until he stopped crying as punishment, CPS would take him. But if I put him in a dark room, with a crib he can't get out of until he stops crying, that's good parenting?"

I've actually gotten a couple folks to seriously reconsider their position with that idea.
Just try to keep in mind, they ARE trying to be helpful. In their way of looking at it, a few nights of a scared screaming child is worth the sleep they get later. They just don't see the long term sleep and relationship issues it can cause for the child.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

I say a variety of things, ranging from "I don't do that" and "Not an option" to "I don't think punishing my baby for being a baby is a good way to parent".


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## justKate (Jun 10, 2008)

"I just can't stand to hear her cry! Maybe because she's my first..."

[CHANGE SUBJECT:] "It must be so much easier the second time around! Did you feel like it was easier with your second?"


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## 2lilsweetfoxes (Apr 11, 2005)

Well, I personally find it a lot easier to get up with the baby, take care of whatever needs to be taken care of, and we are all back to sleep 20-30 minutes later, versus the baby waking everyone up with her screams and we all can't get back to sleep for hours. Occasionally, if the baby is up all night, it is due to being "off" on her "schedule"--took too long and too late of a nap in the afternoon or because she's sick or teething or something.

ETA: Coffee, lots of caffeinated goodness in the mornings after a rough night. Forcing dad to take a shift is also good. I have to go to work at 6 am. He works at home and can take a rest day if necessary.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rachandlily* 
And in my life that's pretty much everyone! I'm so sleep deprived that I don't have the energy to respond intelligently to all these advice-givers. I sorta wish I had a good one-liner that would put an end to the conversation. What do you say to people that tell you to let your baby cry it out??


usually i say "that is psychologically damaging to the baby".

but i only had one person tell me to let baby CIO. but if i was asked more i would prob just say "no" and look at them like they were from another planet. or "what an odd thing to say"


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

I really tried not to debate this with people IRL. Most people offering up this advice had done this at one time or another, most of them are still really good and loving parents, most of them have great relationships with their kids. They don't want me laying any guilt on them and frankly, it's already done, I don't want to make someone feel bad about something they can't undo, especially when their kids don't seem to have any lasting ill-effects anyway. All that said, even though we were still sorting out sleep problems when my child was appoaching three years old, I was not willing to try CIO.

As others have said, just don't complain about it unless you know you're talking to people who get where YOU are coming from on this issue. It's not worth it.


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## blessedwithboys (Dec 8, 2004)

"i dont abuse my children"


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## henny penny (Mar 26, 2008)

I recently read a post by a wise mama here on mdc that I'll paraphrase which would apply to lots of ap situations (co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, child led potty, etc.). My new response is now "in previous generations a measure of good mothering was how soon babies were independent of us like sleeping on their own before they were ready. I think most of us know better now. My baby is certainly happier for it!". Say it with a smile and then quickly change the subject.


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## baileyann3 (May 12, 2008)

in a low quiet voice.. "why on earth, would i let her cry alone?... wierd... " then walk away with a "you must be sick or something" look on your face. maybe add in one of these -->


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## rachandlily (Jul 15, 2008)

Thanks for all the advice ladies....I guess I'm just reaching out to the people in my life like I have with every other challenge, without thinking about what their parenting philosophies are. I think keeping it to myself more is probably my best first step....


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rachandlily* 
Thanks for all the advice ladies....I guess I'm just reaching out to the people in my life like I have with every other challenge, without thinking about what their parenting philosophies are. I think keeping it to myself more is probably my best first step....

You know, I really had to go through this transition too. I think it happens when we become parents.

I'm a huge sharer and always want to divulge everything. It took me a while to figure out that parenting was not an area where I could regularly do that and have the outcomes I wanted. I kept getting soooo much advice and was always wondering why people thought I was such a bad parent and needed so much advice. But then I figured out that I was just offering too many people a chance to give their advice, and they couldn't resist. Hell, I can't resist giving people parenting advice, especially new parents talking about things like CIO! I think most people want to justify their parenting because it's such A BIG DEAL, and knowing that other people are making the same choices as you is really reassuring. Even if you're doing it wrong, like choosing CIO.







Anyway, I've just relied on MDC for that reassurance, now, and kept choices to myself, except for with a few choice friends. AND, I've tried to wear the other shoe and really, really abstain from offering my opinion. So hard.

So, not saying you're doing all this, but as you can see, I have a tendency to go on and on.


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## Mandynee22 (Nov 20, 2006)

I'm mean about it. It's really the one thing that I'm not diplomatic about at all because I really do think that everyone knows it is totally the lazy way out. They just want everyone else to do it so they don't feel bad about themselves. It isn't like RIC or formula where someone really could possibly think it's better, everyone knows better.
I have said (and probably will have to say again... to the EXACT SAME PERSON) "so, instead of doing my job as a parent, you want me to just let my baby scream for no other reason than because it might make *my* life easier? That sounds pretty selfish and lazy to me" I've had to say it to this person with the two previous kids already, pretty positive it'll be said again. (This one's a big fan of "crying devlops the lungs!!!") LOL


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mandynee22* 
I'm mean about it. It's really the one thing that I'm not diplomatic about at all because I really do think that everyone knows it is totally the lazy way out. They just want everyone else to do it so they don't feel bad about themselves. It isn't like RIC or formula where someone really could possibly think it's better, everyone knows better.
I have said (and probably will have to say again... to the EXACT SAME PERSON) "so, instead of doing my job as a parent, you want me to just let my baby scream for no other reason than because it might make *my* life easier? That sounds pretty selfish and lazy to me" I've had to say it to this person with the two previous kids already, pretty positive it'll be said again. (This one's a big fan of "crying devlops the lungs!!!") LOL

This hasn't been my experience - most moms I know who have done CIO have done it because they think they have to so that the baby learns how to self-soothe







and/or they think it's unhealthy for the baby not to sleep 12-hour stretches at night.









And then there is another set of parents who do it because they are exhausted, at their wits' end, and see no other way.

None of these are good reasons, and no matter the reason, the child doesn't understand it, but I've only come across a handful of moms who have done CIO with newborns







to set a "schedule" (yet they fail to see how this only benefits them and not the baby - but use the argument that "It's for the good of the whole family!







). I guarantee if I CIO'ed my daughter, my son would be traumatized for life.


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## LadyCatherine185 (Aug 12, 2008)

I just always said "i can't listen to him cry." and "i'm not going to do that." luckily, it hasn't been anyone really close to me who has told me to do it. other than my dad, who I just tell "nope, not doing it." and he doesn't press about it. I am sure people think I am stupid for not doing it, and think that I have caused him to be a terrible sleeper, as all of their babies STTN from early on with CIO and my 14 month old still wakes hourly all night long.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I just say "no." And that's it. My parents tried to "help" by saying, "You're going to have to let him cry SOMEtime." And my reply was always, "No, I'm not." or "Not yet." Now they can't shut up about how happy and "good" he is, and how we seem to have such a great bond. Really? Do you think he'd love me this much if I ignored his cries all the time? Would you be in love with someone who ignores your feelings?

I have to say, though, that we came close. DH and I do NOT do well on not-enough sleep. It got hard, but I refused to do it. I'd rather be miserable and exhausted during the day than be up all night listening to my child scream. Even if it IS only for 3 nights. (We were told by several people that's "all it takes.") I really don't understand peds (including ours) who say that babies should be sleeping all night by 6 months.


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

"You screw your kids up your way; I'll screw my kids up my way."

I've never had _anyone_ come back with something that tops that


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## InMediasRes (May 18, 2009)

My lame response for people I don't know well is "I'm such a wuss, I can't listen to him cry like that".

Most people who know me any better than that know not to get into it with me about co-sleeping. It's the ONLY thing that would work for DS, and there's no way I would let DD, who is a much easier baby, cry it out when my extremely poor sleeping DS got to the point of sleeping through the night without it. I just don't see the point.

Yeah, don't bring it up if you don't want the advice.


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

Something else that I've learned is that most people who audibly oppose my parenting practices are not willing to be "educated" about the subject. They either see my difference as an attack on their style, or truly feel that their way is best and are seeking to educate _me_. I don't waste time trying to explain why we do what we do unless the person who is commenting on it is open to discussion and is okay with having a different perspective on things (without being offended that I don't agree with them). That's rare in the extreme though, so usually, I just go with the above


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## Just1More (Jun 19, 2008)

I'm fairly proactive about my parenting, constantly asking advice and discussing things with people. I am selective about it...I don't like to cause issues with people.

But, because I say a lot, gently, but openly, about my views, I usually get the opportunity to say something like, "My second baby cried so much. I've always been so thankful I didn't leave him to cry by himself. It turned out his belly hurt him. I can't imagine how awful it would have been to know I left him hurting all by himself when he couldn't tell me yet." People know my position, and my personal experience, and know that I won't CIO, so it becomes a non-issue.

Most people think that letting a "healthy, well-fed and recently changed" baby cry, but not many are heartless enough to leave a sick baby on their own.


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## _ktg_ (Jul 11, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rachandlily* 
Thanks for all the advice ladies....I guess I'm just reaching out to the people in my life like I have with every other challenge, without thinking about what their parenting philosophies are. I think keeping it to myself more is probably my best first step....

I too learned this the hard way, and have received more than an earful of comments, advice and scoldings from others.









Mostly when my 2nd was coming along I figured out who were like-minded and who weren't and that it wasn't my job to convince them or win them over to my side, as I had enough on my plate already in raising my kids. My views are unspoken but displayed enough in my office for all to see & know.

Good luck, here's lots of coffee and hopefully more sleep filled nights.


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## Gentle~Mommy :) (Apr 21, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rachandlily* 
And in my life that's pretty much everyone! I'm so sleep deprived that I don't have the energy to respond intelligently to all these advice-givers. I sorta wish I had a good one-liner that would put an end to the conversation. What do you say to people that tell you to let your baby cry it out??

How do they all know? I learned my lesson quick and just didn't discuss our family sleeping arrangement with anyone, I was tired of the unsolicited advice.


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## pixiepunk (Mar 11, 2003)

i have said something to the effect of "whether my child is crying because s/he is hungry, has to pee, is tired, scared or lonely, I respond." i've also said "i'm an adult and I prefer to cuddle someone to sleep, I can only assume my children feel the same way until they are old enough to tell me otherwise." if it's someone i don't know well i just simply say "i don't feel comfortable doing that."

of course it's a lot easier now having had three kids, and having the 6 and 4 year old happily and easily falling to sleep on their own in their own beds (in our room... which luckily is easily justifiable as we have a one bedroom house







). so no one can give me the "they'll never sleep on their own if you don't" garbage anymore, because i have living proof that it's not true. in fact, except for the odd occasion when DD1 is feeling sick or out of sorts emotionally, she actually prefers to have her own space and often complains about the elbows and knees and things in the family bed. and of course whenever the older ones need it, they are always welcome still in the 'big bed.'

and ITA with the pp's who suggest not complaining to those who don't share your parenting philosophy. and yes, the same thing goes for all the 'weird' stuf you might do like extended nursing, EC, babywearing, not circ'ing, etc. that's what MDC is for!


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

If anyone ever recommended CIO I ask "why would I want to give my child permanent neurological damage? '', and then I'd offer to email them the research.


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## butterfly_mommy (Oct 22, 2007)

I say "Why would I want to teach my child that I will not reliably respond to them? That their voice doesn't matter? That I am untrustworthy?"

Then I add "Plus I love snuggling my sleeping baby"


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## Mandynee22 (Nov 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bokonon* 
This hasn't been my experience - most moms I know who have done CIO have done it because they think they have to so that the baby learns how to self-soothe







and/or they think it's unhealthy for the baby not to sleep 12-hour stretches at night.









And then there is another set of parents who do it because they are exhausted, at their wits' end, and see no other way.

None of these are good reasons, and no matter the reason, the child doesn't understand it, but I've only come across a handful of moms who have done CIO with newborns







to set a "schedule" (yet they fail to see how this only benefits them and not the baby - but use the argument that "It's for the good of the whole family!







). I guarantee if I CIO'ed my daughter, my son would be traumatized for life.

OK, well it's possible that they do think it's for the best, I suppose... but I guess I just don't get why anyone would think like that. I think of self soothing as... soothing yourself. Not as passing out from frustration. Even if it's ignorance, I'll still not be nice about it ('specially to people who I've been through it with before and it isn't like I ask for advice which makes me MORE angry)


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## Deefodil (May 25, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InstinctiveMom* 
"You screw your kids up your way; I'll screw my kids up my way."

I've never had _anyone_ come back with something that tops that









I LOVE that answer.


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## angelandmisha (May 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InstinctiveMom* 
"You screw your kids up your way; I'll screw my kids up my way."

I've never had _anyone_ come back with something that tops that









InstictiveMom, that may be about the funniest thing ever! I love that line and can't wait to use it!!

OP, I agree with most of the other pp's who suggest not talking about sleep/parenting issues with others who don't hold the same view as you. It took me a while to learn that too. But the other thing is trust yourself and your instincts as a mom. You know your children better than anyone and even if you can't explain why something is good for them, you do know what is good for them. I'm a big sharer too and so
I've just had to learn to be confident in my approach. "Oh, we cosleep and it's great. We all get much more sleep this way."

Good luck and trust yourself!


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## LittleRockstar (Dec 11, 2006)

After trying a few polite things that others have suggested, I've said, "I'll stay out of your bedroom happenings if you stay out of mine." I've only had one person keep giving me free advice after that. I asked her a question that would make a sailor blush.

I reserve this for the really obnoxious folks.


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## bscal (Feb 13, 2006)

I usually brag a little if it's someone giving me a hard time about not CIO. See I lucked out and have amazingly good sleepers, for the most part. Here's how my sweet 2 yr old DS goes to bed each night:

All 3 kids get a bath and into jammies.
We read stories (older DD usually reads one to the younger ones also).
Everyone hugs, kisses, says good night to everyone else.
DH and I take DS into his room and he likes to climb into his crib.
He says "night night Mommy" and "night night Daddy" and lays down.
He looks at me and asks for "blanket"... I cover him up.
Then he points to the light switch and says "light off, fan on"... so I turn the light off and the fan on. We walk out of his room.
End of story.

He slept with us until he was about 17 mos or so... then he kept trying to get into the crib to sleep. So this routine started then.

My girls also co-slept with us for quite some time... and then moved into their own rooms. Most of the time the girls end up sleeping together in one of their beds. And sometimes one or both of them crawl in bed with us. That's fine - we like to snuggle.

I could NEVER CIO. The thought makes me want to throw up. And my cosleeping and never leaving them to cry has helped my children to sleep very nicely.

Beth


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## Louisep (May 1, 2009)

"I'm not comfortable with that" or "we don't believe in CIO". If they push it, I'll off load everything I know on them!

Also, DH and I have just agreed to tell everyone from now on that DS is sleeping great. Friends, family, and strangers. Some get it, some don't, but even those who get it, pity us for our horrendous sleep deprivation (well, that would be my sleep deprivation since DH sleeps in another room







) and pity doesn't help, it only makes me feel bad.


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## MacKinnon (Jun 15, 2004)

Well, for one, I agree with the posters who said to be cautious about who you complain to about your sleep problems. When people in general asked how my DD slept, I answered with a neutral sort of, "Well... sometimes we sleep, sometimes we don't, it all evens out in the end. So how, is XXYY?" By the time we had DS, they would ask "So... how is DS sleeping?" And I would say, "Great!! We co-sleep, and it's wonderful! I love not having to get up to nurse at night." Being very positive about co-sleeping stopped most CIO comments. Those that persisted were met with a "Oh, no... We would never CIO. We believe that babies cry for a reason, and we want our babies to know that we are always there for them." I was never pushed beyond that, thankfully!


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)

i'd just say no i'm not going to do that and then change the subject as its usually my mum who comes out with stuff like this and she will always make an argument and get really nasty but then tell my sister how horrible i was to her so she ends up phoneing me to have a go








i remember with my 1st being told how my she should be sttn because she was 6 months and "didn't need to be fed at night" i tried cio (please don't flame me i didn't know any better) and gave up after about 20-30 minuites (although felt like much longer) i sat downstairs with the baby monitor on and could hear my poor baby crying and just couldn't leave her i ended up going up and feeding her for about 2hrs.
now i won't purposely have my baby cry himself to sleep although sadly there has been times he has when i've been getting him brother and sisters ready for bed.


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rachandlily* 
And in my life that's pretty much everyone! I'm so sleep deprived that I don't have the energy to respond intelligently to all these advice-givers. I sorta wish I had a good one-liner that would put an end to the conversation. What do you say to people that tell you to let your baby cry it out??

If it's family....and I'm in a bad mood.....I say, "I'll keep that in mind when choosing your nursing home."

Otherise I just say, "I'm not going to let the person I love most in the entire world cry by herself. I wouldn't want her to treat me that way when it's her turn to take care of me."


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## pacificbliss (Jun 17, 2006)

Depends on the mood I am in. Usually I would just say, "Oh, that's not for us. Glad it worked for you." But if I'm really sick of it, too tired, they're being particularly self rightous and using the word Ferberize I get this really horrified look on my face and say, "Oh my god, you leave your little baby screaming all alone in a dark room until they give up hope and trust in you and fall aseep?!" Then I walk away but look back horrified one last time.

What exactly is the "it" they're supposed to be crying out anyway? Childhood.


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## bugginsmom (Aug 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Barbie64g* 
I just flat out say, I Don't do that. EVER. The end. Usually they don't continue pushing because of the look on my face









Exactly that. I won't/didn't leave any of my parenting choices open to discussion, ESPECIALLY bed sharing. We still bed share with our five year old and I am waiting for the day that someone says something.







Thankfully my family and my il's all support bed sharing until the *child* decides it is time to change the arrangement.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

"I would never leave a grown up screaming for help so why would I do that to a helpless infant?"


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## MrsH (Sep 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *rachandlily* 
Thanks for all the advice ladies....I guess I'm just reaching out to the people in my life like I have with every other challenge, without thinking about what their parenting philosophies are. I think keeping it to myself more is probably my best first step....

How tricky. I was just logging on here with a similar question, as I am also starting to realize how _difficult_ it is to get support from others and it's because I'm so used to sharing of myself and being real about life. While I can't say "she's sleeping fine" (that would be the biggest lie I could imagine!) perhaps I could say something that is positive about our nights. Though I'll have to mull that one over for a while to find one!

Thanks so much for posting about all this!


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## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MrsH* 
How tricky. I was just logging on here with a similar question, as I am also starting to realize how _difficult_ it is to get support from others and it's because I'm so used to sharing of myself and being real about life. While I can't say "she's sleeping fine" (that would be the biggest lie I could imagine!) perhaps I could say something that is positive about our nights. Though I'll have to mull that one over for a while to find one!

Thanks so much for posting about all this!

It depends on your defenition of fine. If her sleep patterns are developementally appropriate then she is indeed sleeping fine. If you still arent' comfortable saying that then you can say she's sleeping like a baby.


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## Ldavis24 (Feb 19, 2009)

Hmmm once I told someone to bite me. Then again it was someone who I was already having a less than pleasant discussion with so maybe don't open with that one!

Honestly and this has worked most of the time. I flat out tell other people, even if it is parents who CIO that I believe that CIO is child abuse and co-sleeping is the most natural thing for a mother and her baby to do of any species. We are the only mammal species I know that cares for their young for a long period of time but forces them to sleep away from us from day 1!

Seriously though I when I say that CIO is child abuse and they see that I am quite serious it usually ends the conversation pretty quick


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## lisavark (Oct 27, 2007)

If it's another parent who practices CIO, I say, "That's not an option for me." With a very end-of-discussion expression.

If it's family or someone from an older generation, I say, "Oh, actually, new research shows that it's better for babies to sleep with moms." And I tell them some of the facts from McKenna's research about how cosleeping helps regulate baby's biological functions and might help prevent SIDS. And I tell them how cosleeping is actually the most common way of sleeping worldwide. Etc. So then they think it's some "new-fangled" thing that parents are supposed to do today, instead of some oddball MDC thing...
















I tried that technique on my friend's FIL and totally blew him away!









I tell research to other parents, too, if they seem like they might be open to learning. But I don't talk to people who are happy with their decision to CIO. No point in arguing about it--they have every right to parent in a way that I think is wrong, just like I have every right to parent in a way they think is wrong.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

"My doctor advised us not to." Doesn't matter that I'm referring to Dr. Sears. The weight of authority of 'my doctor' shuts them up.

And I try to avoid sleep discussions with people who might be inclined to recommend CIO. If I know someone is into CIO, I paint a smile on, try to look alert, and say all is well.


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## Pookietooth (Jul 1, 2002)

I wouldn't discuss it with them. It's not their business. You can just repeat that you are doing what's best for your family.


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## RolliePollie (May 10, 2006)

When someone gives me random, unsolicited advice, I like to ask them for a copy of their parenting book. Or perhaps I'll babble on about how I didn't know they were a parenting expert and could they direct me to the page number of their published book that they are spouting their information from. And usually, people get so offended or so annoyed by my smart-arseness that they just shut up.


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## S.Lee (Jan 27, 2007)

"Are you kidding? I didn't do that to my dog when he was a puppy, I'm sure not going to do it to my baby" Before he died at 15yrs, I had the most well-behaved confident dog, even non-dog people liked him. So I would tell people with the cio advice that that is what people said I should do to my dog to make him independant and I didn't take their advice either and look at him














surprisingly I got absolutlely no comebacks to that (yes, I compared my dog to my child, maybe that was just tooo much haha)


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## Beauchamp (Jan 12, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *onemomentatatime* 
"My doctor advised us not to." Doesn't matter that I'm referring to Dr. Sears. The weight of authority of 'my doctor' shuts them up.

love this!









nak we just got back from visiting my brother and SIL, who have 4 kids (6yo, 4yo, 2yo and 4 1/2 months) and they CONTINUALLY preached to me and DH about "breaking" our DD. They left their tiny babe on the floor in front of the TV for 45 minutes by herself while they bathed the other kids upstairs. I was sitting in the glider nursing a sleeping DD (and couldn't get up without waking DD), and once DH finally came into the room he picked my niece up. We were appalled that they'd leave her laying there. Thankfully she's an "easy" baby and just gurgled and cooed at Monday Night Football, or else maybe she's just CIO enough that she's given up. Poor baby.

My brother and SIL kept telling DH and I that we'd be sorry, and that we just need to put DD down so that she learns, and that we shouldn't hold her so much because she'll expect it, etc, mostly that we need to "break" her. It was a tough couple of days getting battered with this advise. My brother truly believes he is right in all things and no amount of research evidence on my part would change his mind. Plus he has 4 kids to my one, so he is very preachy to me.









I couldn't wait to get home and come on MDC to recenter myself. I just kept kissing DDs little head and telling my brother "I could never do that." They just said I'll be sorry. It's so hard when it's close family.

What burned me the most is that DD cried when my brother held her. A few times he gave her back right away, and the fourth time or so, he kind of held her away from me when she was crying (with tears rolling down) and said she'd have to get used to him, she has to learn, because someday she will have teachers and bus drivers to get used to, and after 2-3 minutes she did stop crying, but I felt awful for not taking her back from him. It was just 100% awkward since we were in their house and I didn't want to start an argument, and their other kids were around, etc. I am just so sad and mad. I need to get over it, but it's hard.

It's much easier to tell casual friends/strangers that I won't CIO than it is with pushy family members who actually hold my baby away from me when she cries. grrr...


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## locksmama (Jun 7, 2007)

I just launch into a diatribe about how some kids cry and it makes them a wreck (ie tension builders with crying) and others fuss and then sleep after a few minutes (tension releasers) (askmoxie info). Then I say my kids are tensionbuilders so I don't do it. Usually I've got them either so bored or convinced that they then say oh ok I see.
This is how I got everyone off my back last time and it still works for number two now.
Either all that or I just say I can't stand listening to my baby cry and then say I like to sleep with my babies. I pretty much never care what someone thinks about my opinion because my girls are God's gift to me to love and raise--not them.


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## Peppermint Poppies (Jan 7, 2007)

My BIL has suggested a few times that I let my DS and DD CIO. I have always just responded with "I don't parent like that." He has never persisted, so he knows it's a no-go discussion area for me.


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## AnnieNimIty (Nov 14, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beauchamp* 

What burned me the most is that DD cried when my brother held her. A few times he gave her back right away, and the fourth time or so, he kind of held her away from me when she was crying (with tears rolling down) and said she'd have to get used to him, she has to learn, because someday she will have teachers and bus drivers to get used to, and after 2-3 minutes she did stop crying, but I felt awful for not taking her back from him. It was just 100% awkward since we were in their house and I didn't want to start an argument, and their other kids were around, etc. I am just so sad and mad. I need to get over it, but it's hard.

It's much easier to tell casual friends/strangers that I won't CIO than it is with pushy family members who actually hold my baby away from me when she cries. grrr...









I totally know what you mean. I had an almost identical experience visiting my brother and his wife. DD was 14-15 months at that time, and my SIL and I were going to get pedicures (pros of vacations). She still had tears on her face when we finally got home. That taught me a lesson. Poor girl being my first born. I feel like she is getting the brunt of my inexperience.


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## VroomieMama (Oct 9, 2008)

My MIL suggested that we CIO and I told her that I don't believe in that philosophy and that it causes neurological/psychological problem later on in life. She was puzzled and said, HOW?! I told her to look it up online and read about it.


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## ~Charlie's~Angel~ (Mar 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moondiapers* 
If it's family....and I'm in a bad mood.....I say, "I'll keep that in mind when choosing your nursing home."











priceless


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## Blueone (Sep 12, 2009)

There are some great responses on here! I've told my mom that it's not something I'll do, then end it. One time I told her that if he doesn't have object permanence yet, if I don't respond how will he know I'm still there for him? She then stopped. She never pushes it, but she does slip it in every once in a great while. She then said it's what she did for us and I said, "that was the norm back then, things have changed."

Otherwise I just shrug and don't say anything, then go about what I normally do.


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## JavaJunkie (Jan 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Beauchamp* 

What burned me the most is that DD cried when my brother held her. A few times he gave her back right away, and the fourth time or so, he kind of held her away from me when she was crying (with tears rolling down) and *said she'd have to get used to him, she has to learn, because someday she will have teachers and bus drivers to get used to*, and after 2-3 minutes she did stop crying, but I felt awful for not taking her back from him. It was just 100% awkward since we were in their house and I didn't want to start an argument, and their other kids were around, etc. I am just so sad and mad. I need to get over it, but it's hard.

That kind of reasoning(and yes, I've heard it from people, too) just makes no sense. How on earth can people apply situations to a BABY that won't happen while they are a BABY?? Just odd.


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## cristeen (Jan 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LeeKei* 
THis is what I tell them.

If you could hear and adult crying audibly would you just ignore them? or would you go and talk to them and ask what is wrong, comfort, love on, try to help them? If you wouldnt do it to an adult why in the world would you do it to a baby!?!?!?!
GRRRRRR this topic gets me blood boiling!!!


This is about what I told my BIL - childless bachelor who came by to meet our LO when he was 5 days old, and asked when we *needed* to start letting him cry himself to sleep or some similar phrase (my sleep-deprived brain didn't hold on to the details, just the fact that I thought my head was going to explode). I told him never. Which he questioned of course. So I asked him... "how would you feel if you were crying like your heart was breaking and you knew the person who you loved most in the world could hear you and they ignored you? How would that make you feel?" His brilliant answer... "I dunno"









Nana told me to just let him cry, and I simply said "I can't do that"

Great grandma has also told me I should just set him down and walk him away. Her I asked why - just the relationship we have. She said that it would be easier on me. I reminded her that I did not have children to make my life easy. That from the day he was born, my life was about serving his needs, not making my life easier. That shut her up. She hasn't mentioned it again... now if only I could get her off my back about the pacifier thing.


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## Beauchamp (Jan 12, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JavaJunkie* 
That kind of reasoning(and yes, I've heard it from people, too) just makes no sense. How on earth can people apply situations to a BABY that won't happen while they are a BABY?? Just odd.

Tell me about it! BTW, my brother's kids are ultra shy about meeting ANYONE new, so I don't get where he comes up with this theory. They also get their kids to do pretty much anything with an "or I'll beat your butt" threat.


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *InstinctiveMom* 
"You screw your kids up your way; I'll screw my kids up my way."

I've never had _anyone_ come back with something that tops that









This is BRILLIANT.


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## pixiekisses (Oct 14, 2008)

"I wont ever subject my kids to something that can give them permanent brain damage and I do concider cruel abuse. Now mind your own business."


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