# adult only children: what do you think about being an only?



## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

Hello all:

I love the thread about deciding/not deciding to have a second child (or spread them out many years)

I am NOT ready to have another child, mainly because I do not want to be pregnant again, and some pelvic organ prolapse issues make it difficult to think about doing it again. I always pictured having two, I just wish that I was done HAVING the babies.

We are thrilled with our family of 3- we love parenting, we get boundless joy and energy from our dd...and we lean toward having a second.

however, the reason we lean that direction is mainly for our dd- not wanting her to be lonely or age/watch us age without a sibling.

So I am looking for experiences of adults who are only children- does ANYone who is an only child relish the experience (because everyone I know who is an only says to me how we will regret it for our dd...and that they always wanted a sibling)

I believe in the experience of siblings, and it IS hard for me to picture not having another in general- but we are not ready and I am afraid that by the time we are I will be older than I wanted to be.

thanks


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I was an only and it was great for me.

In my observations, it's hard to be an only when you don't feel connected to your parents. My MIL was an example of that, she was really "on her own," if she had a problem she really couldn't bring it to her parents. Her father was cold and rejecting. Her mother loved her but placed her husband first, so her mother only helped her or paid attention to her if her father wasn't around, and she certainly never went to bat for MIL if her father was being cruel. So you can see why MIL felt alone. If she had a sibling then maybe she would have felt like she had someone in her corner - and maybe not, you never know.

My mother, on the other hand, was always there for me. She didn't play with me so I'm not talking about parents replacing peers for only children, I'm talking about parents being THERE for their onlies. I definitely felt loved and respected and cared for, and I never felt alone. I did all the stuff that onlies do - I read a lot, looked at bugs in the backyard, etc. Of course I had friends, too.

My DD is an only and of course DH and I are there for her. I don't worry about her being an only.

I can't speak much about the "issue" of taking on the "burden" of parents, except to say that having siblings hardly makes it easy and fair for everyone. The most common story I hear is "my brother(s)/sister(s) don't do anything for our parents and I am stuck taking care of them myself." Fortunately for us, my parents and my inlaws aren't close to needing any care yet, and I won't claim to know what that will involve. DH has a sister, but honestly I would think that DH and I would help out MIL (instead of SIL doing it), not because SIL is lazy or uncaring but she's not in any stable position herself. So DH having a sister isn't really "removing" any burden from him in this regard.

I have observed with my mother that she has been drawing a bit closer to her siblings at this time of her life, their parents have already passed. But I don't see how I'm guaranteed to be lonely in old age myself just because I'm an only; there's other relatives (SIL, my cousins, etc.) plus of course there's FRIENDS!

Anyway, I don't think being an only is better than having siblings, but I certainly don't feel it's the other way around either. Being an only is only one of several/many factors in your life. You won't be lonely in old age just because you're an only, you'd be lonely only IF you had no friends or anyone else either (and that goes for folks with siblings too; who is to say you'll get along with your siblings or even that they won't predecease you or move to China?). You aren't necessarily better off in the aging-parent department just because you have siblings, in fact you may carry MORE resentment if you're stuck caring for them while your sibs send a Christmas card every year. You'll only feel lonely growing up if your parents aren't there for you; and if you had a sibling it might be just as lonely if you're not close.


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

I second everything loahaire said.

My additional thoughts -

Due to medical challenges, DS will be an only. At times, that makes us very sad because both DH and I have this fantasy in our head that if DS would have siblings, we would have this big family and everyone would be super-close, picture-perfect family gatherings and so on but as we all know, that isn't a guaranty. When we confront the reality that blood relation doesn't mean closeness, it is easier for us to accept.

I am an only child. My parents were cool with friends being over at our house. I was almost always allowed to take a friend (sometimes two) along on vacation. I was never lonely. I have a very close relationship with my parents.

I can't say I ever wished for a sibling because I have never known any different.


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## RoundAbout (Aug 3, 2006)

I was an only and loved it! I was, and am, very close to my parents - we used to do all kinds of things together and talk for ages.

I think what I loved most of all is that I got to be a part of both the kid-world and the adult-world. Meaning that I could go off and play with friends and cousins all day, but that I wasn't automatically excluded from adult events and conversations the way I see in some families. I still remember fondly the days when my mom and aunt and I would go out to lunch together. I felt so grown up!

Money was also tight in our family and I think it would have been a lot harder with a larger family.

I am having an only myself so obviously I don't think it was bad at all! I think the pp said - there are advantages and disadvantages to every family configuration. I know people who grew up in large families and hated it because they never had any space or time to themselves. Other people love it. I know of plenty of people who aren't close to their siblings or have actual problems with them.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

I'm 31 now and an only child. Parents are 69 now.

As a child beign an only was fine. I never wished for a sibling. I had two parents who were always there for me and very focused on me.

As a teen, it became more apparent that being an only wasn't so hot. Now this might have just applied to MY parents- but they were SO focused on me that I had no wiggle room and I felt totally smothered. They were very strict and worried about freaking everything despite the fact that if they had just opened their eyes a bit they would have seen that I was the type of teen that most parents would dream of- tough, not easily influenced, no one ever talked me into anything, conservative(as in not a wild child), and cautious. And yet I was constantly grounded (for BS things like being 5 minutes late for my 9:30 curfew) and really felt that if I had another kid in the house they wouldn't be so strict and controlling.

As an aduly, I wish I now had a sibling because I wish I had someone to help me DEAL with my parents. They are getting old and stubborn and they don't always make the best decisions for themselves. I wish I had a sibling to back me up from time to time when I try to help them out or help them through something. I'm at the point now where my parents are beginning to need parenting from ME. This didn't really sink in until I watched my mother( who is an only) deal with her mother's death. My grandmother developed cancer and it was hell for my mother to handle the dr appointments, and caring for my g-mother, and cleaning her house, and cooking, and food shopping and paying their bills, AND dealing with my grandfather who was in denial about the whole thing. If she had a sibling, it wouldn't have been so painful and difficult for her. She had my Dad of course but it wasn't the same. If she had a sister or brother, maybe they could have offered some help or support.

So I sometimes look down the road and think OH MY GOD I'll be on my own through all of that one day.

So I guess I decided that I really wanted more than one child for myself just so they had each other.

Just my 2 cents.


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## Jaesun's Dad (Feb 19, 2010)

It is what it is. I was an only child so I don't really know what it's like to have siblings. There were times when I wished I had a brother or sister, especially when we moved. We moved often in my early years because my dad was military and it was hard making friends and then having to leave them and start all over, a sibling would have added some stability there. We traveled a lot and it was a good bonding experience I think traveling so much with my parents as a threesome. I don't know that I was spoiled more or less than kids with siblings, I think again it all is the financial means and ideals of the individual homes rather than the number of kids.

I echo that as an adult I wish there was someone else closer to my mom to help her. I feel guilty living on the other side of the country some times. It's really hard the past several years as she has alzheimers and I can't even really talk to her on the phone anymore, but honestly seeing her in person wasn't any better. She barely lifted her eyes from her circle-a-word puzzle book the whole time I was there last visit. Her sisters (my aunts) keep me up to date pretty well on her status but I feel like a bad son lately. No one blames me though, I've lived in California nearly 20 years now have my career and now my family to concern myself with on this side of the country. And it wouldn't very well be right of me to expect a sibling to do anymore than I am if I had one, right?

I have social anxiety and I'm an introvert. Can you blame that on being an only child? Sure, if you want to ... that or the constant moving in the military and being told to shut up more often than I needed to hear maybe ... flip a coin there. I can't really pin blame anywhere specific for that myself.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

I thank god every day that I was an only child. This doesn't really apply to your situation though, since the reason why I do that is because my parents are not very healthy people--and it would have been hell to see a sibling suffer.

I do worry about the obligation that I have towards my parents as they age--but most of that worry stems from the abuse growing up and continuing mental health issues than the fact I'm an only child. In my observation, even with siblings, it's one child that tends to become the primary caretaker anyway. As an only child, at least you know about that ahead of time and can prepare, instead of feeling like you were abandoned by other people who are supposed to be helping!

From what I have observed from friends with siblings and aging/dying parents, it seems like sometimes it would have been better if there had only been one kid. I've been shocked at how many families get blown apart by inheritance issue, even over very minro stuff. I can't believe how many people I've seen stymied and worn down by an uncooperative sibling getting up in their grill about how one is caring for an aging parent, while refusing to lend a hand at the same time.

Siblings are nice, I'm sure--but they're also an uncontrollable factor. You can't count on them pulling together, even if they are nice folks (again, the families that I've seen detonate are the last people on earth I would have expected to, while some people I expected to pulled together!). More hands in the pot means that sometimes care decisions can be very difficult, especially if one sibling feels very strongly that, for example, hospice is evil because that means that you're "giving up" on the dying person and you should keep them alive by all means necessary (I saw that one play out in my own extended family. It was ugly.)


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## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

laohair: thank you- I wasn't really thinking of the burden of us as parents, but of the having company and someone to really understand what you are going through watching your parents age...I loved your post, thank you. You are right- cousins, friends...and something my mom keeps reminding me is that siblngs are not always close ANYway.

Caneel: I am sorry that you faced medical issues, but glad that it wound up ok for you and your family. I think you are right- I am imagining the picture...but also LOVING our picture as it is now.

round: it's sweet to picture cassady one day saying "we talk for ages". what a gift.

barnmamma: good points, and I guess at the core of my concern is that no matter what, when we have one...all of our energy goes into that one- and we aren't smotherers (I know I will have moments, but not our instincts) but when the one is the only focus, I wonder if we WOULD make it too pressured for her. This is not to say that having another is the fix to that, just something to keep in mind should we not have a second (or even if we do!)

jaesun: I think you are right- there are so many things we just can't judge in a vacuum. thank you for your post.

tiger: wow, that's tough- thank you for your response. I guess our kids wouldn't fight over the inheritance, since there won't be much!!








more hands in the pot is a concern- with money and space issues- we love our neighborhood and our apartment but it would be tough to find an affordable 3 bedroom someday.

thank you all.


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## dogretro (Jun 17, 2008)

I am an only child & it has been fine. I have always wished for at least one sibling, but this is my life, I don't know any other way. For all I know, any siblings and I might not have gotten along & it could be a relationship burden now. I get almost total freedom from traditional familial obligations b/c there AREN'T 2498723 siblings & nieces & nephews. I also did not have any cousins close in age (oldest are 6 yrs younger than me), so I was never compared to anyone growing up. That was nice b/c I could just be my own person & not have to "measure up", except to my own parents. I am very good at amusing myself & I am v close to my daughter. I do not walk around talking about how I need "breaks" from her or anything like that. Granted, yes, I do like to go out & socialize w/ adults, but being w/ her IS company to me, so that works out well.

As for the aging/sick parent thing, I do have experience w/ that. My father died from pancreatic cancer almost three years ago. He and my mother were still married. DH and I went over every weekend to visit them. It was difficult to watch him go thru that & I had to listen to my mother complain about how my DAD'S siblings did practically nothing for him aside from his sister calling regularly. They barely ever came to visit & things like that. When he passed, planning the funeral was easy b/c it was just me and my mom making decisions. DH was there to support us. It is tough when I think about the fact that I am it for my mom as far as family goes now. It's a lot of pressure. But how do I know that a sibling would do anything for her? Or they might make ME look like I was the one not doing enough! That can work both ways. My grandmother is still alive, & she & my mom are VERY close, but she lives on the other side of the state, along w/ my mom's brother. My mom is not close w/ her brother & is still quite competitive w/ him. My mom has TONS of friends, though, so she is definitely not "alone"!

I have enough friends whose sibling(s) are bums and criminals to know that it is not all a rosy glow. There is so much unneeded guilt surrounding how much of a relationship they should have. I also have friends who were abused by their sibling(s), so even in childhood, having a sibling can be horrible. To end on a truly dreadful note, just b/c you have more than one child does not mean that all of your children will outlive you. One of your children could still end up being the only one alive to take care of you, etc.

There are lots and lots of pluses to being an only child. More attention, more money, more time. You don't have to wait for other kids to be ready to go somewhere, you don't HAVE to share (heehee), you *know* you are your parents' favourite kid in the entire world, you get to go on special trips alone w/ one or both parents, &, at least for my parents, I was not viewed as another pesty kid, I was invited to join them in chores & hobbies. They were not always trying to get away from me & have alone time like they might have if there were three of us. There are enough only children in this world that, believe me, it's not like we are some damaged group of people wandering around who don't know how to love.


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## Lucy Alden (Jun 15, 2009)

I am a sort-of-only. My parents divorced when I was 2 (I'm 35 now). The next time I saw my dad was the summer before my senior year. During that time he had two additional children who are a few years younger than me. We see each other maybe once a year and talk on the phone a handful of times a year. I also have two foster sisters. My freshman year my mother took in my two foster sisters. They are both a year younger than me. While we do have a shared experience, they obviously have their own early childhoods, as do I. And while my mom does call them her daughters, she does not treat them the same as me nor does she expect assistance from them. For all practical purposes I am an only.

While I love my mom, she doesn't really "get" me and I don't really "get" her. We do talk weekly and she does fly out several times a year to visit. It's really hard for me because I know I am the ONLY one responsible for her when/if things go bad or she needs help. This wouldn't be a huge issue except for the fact that she makes bad financial and physical decisions (ie plastic surgery in third world countries). I know its just a matter of time before I'll have to step in.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
As an aduly, I wish I now had a sibling because I wish I had someone to help me DEAL with my parents.

I so agree with the above statement. The only thing I would add is that it would be nice to have someone to commiserate with. My DH listens but just gets frustrated for me. A sibling would get frustrated (at the situation) with me.

Of course, my situation is unique. If I had a a loving relationship with my mom that involved respect and understanding I would have no problem being an only. But, as it is I feel so much obligation and irritation in our relationship.

I do think that it is important that parents of an only have a conversation about how illness, aging, financial difficulties, etc. will be handled. No one wants to strong arm a parent who is going through a hard time. If there is an open dialog and understanding I think it can totally work. And I do agree with laohaire about the pros. Despite the rough relationship I have with my mom now, there were some wonderful things about being an only as a child.


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## Joyster (Oct 26, 2007)

Growing up, I was fine being an only. Sometimes I was lonely and wanted a sibling, but those were pretty few and far between. I filled the gaps with friends and "adopted" family.

Truth is, I have siblings, but several are from my mom's previous marriage and several of them are from my dad's ongoing string of affairs. We're not very close though, I'm the only only. They all pair up or whatever. I do think the care of my aging mother will fall on me, and that does scare me. However I do have support of DH and friends, one of whom has ample experience. I know with MIL, her husband, not her sister was the sole supporter of her caring for her aging parents. He often taking over completely. He out of his three other siblings also took care of his father with failing health and is helping as much as his mother would allow him.

I do sometimes wonder and envy the good sibling relationships I see with friends and family. DH is close to his brother, as are several good friends close with their siblings and look forward to seeing them. Others seem to manage fine not having a close relationship.

I guess I just got to keep in perspective that I'm not really alone, sibling dynamics range far and wide, and I might be one of those people who doesn't very much get along with their siblings. And I may be missing out on something, but maybe no more than someone who isn't blessed with as many good friends as I am.

That said, I am currently pregnant with child number 3, and plan to have others (likely adoption at this point). So who knows, maybe I have unresolved only child issues.


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## SunshineJ (Mar 26, 2008)

Well I have a half brother that was born when I was 8 and whom I saw once every 4-5 years, so I was effectively an only. Personally I hated it with a passion and still do. I vowed when I was a preteen that I would never have just one and put them through that, if it meant adopting, having them myself, whatever. Now looking back from 41 years I still feel that way. I know that's not what you were looking for, but remember that everyone's experience and personality is different and what one person loathes another will love.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

As a child I was happy to be an only. I never envied any of my friends who had siblings - in fact I was sorry for them!

It's only in the past few years as an adult that I've started to wish that I had a brother or sister. I think as my parents get older I'm realizing that at some point I'll be the only one left and that feels lonely and sad. Of course I'm lucky to have dh and my kids (and dh's family).


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## e(Lisa)beth (Aug 17, 2007)

I am an only, and I have wanted a sister as long as I can remember. There are several sets of sisters in my extended family (including my mom, who is the oldest of three daughters) and I have always been envious of their relationships. I'm 30 and I still often wish I had a sister. Or a brother, that would be nice too! Now, I must admit that my parent's divorce when I was two probably had a huge impact on my desire for a sibling. If I had grown up in a stable, loving two parent family it might not matter nearly as much.

I have also been trying to decide whether to have a second child. If I was able to get pregnant easily, I'd probably go for it without a second thought. That's not the case, however, so a decision to try for a second would be very involved. And truthfully we could be very happy as a little family of three. But I keep thinking about how much I wanted a sibling of my own, and of Claire being all alone someday, and my heart just breaks. I don't know what to do.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

My dh says he didn't like being an only as a child and he still doesn't like it now. His mom thinks that's why he has four children.


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## To-Fu (May 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 
I'm 31 now and an only child. Parents are 69 now.

As a child beign an only was fine. I never wished for a sibling. I had two parents who were always there for me and very focused on me.

As a teen, it became more apparent that being an only wasn't so hot. Now this might have just applied to MY parents- but they were SO focused on me that I had no wiggle room and I felt totally smothered. They were very strict and worried about freaking everything despite the fact that if they had just opened their eyes a bit they would have seen that I was the type of teen that most parents would dream of- tough, not easily influenced, no one ever talked me into anything, conservative(as in not a wild child), and cautious. And yet I was constantly grounded (for BS things like being 5 minutes late for my 9:30 curfew) and really felt that if I had another kid in the house they wouldn't be so strict and controlling.

As an aduly, I wish I now had a sibling because I wish I had someone to help me DEAL with my parents. They are getting old and stubborn and they don't always make the best decisions for themselves. I wish I had a sibling to back me up from time to time when I try to help them out or help them through something. I'm at the point now where my parents are beginning to need parenting from ME. This didn't really sink in until I watched my mother( who is an only) deal with her mother's death. My grandmother developed cancer and it was hell for my mother to handle the dr appointments, and caring for my g-mother, and cleaning her house, and cooking, and food shopping and paying their bills, AND dealing with my grandfather who was in denial about the whole thing. If she had a sibling, it wouldn't have been so painful and difficult for her. She had my Dad of course but it wasn't the same. If she had a sister or brother, maybe they could have offered some help or support.

So I sometimes look down the road and think OH MY GOD I'll be on my own through all of that one day.

So I guess I decided that I really wanted more than one child for myself just so they had each other.

Just my 2 cents.

This is exactly my situation!

I think the success of the only child thing really depends on the kid and the parenting. Even sometimes with the best of both, it can be hard (or has been for me).

There is a huge amount of focus on me by my mom because I'm her only child--sometimes to the point where I think it's odd and unhealthy. And despite her relative good health, she has already called me sobbing and tried to make me promise to take care of her if she gets sick. There is no one to help me with this task, and I really wish that weren't true.

So we decided to have two kids, if only to make their adult lives easier. I think there are plenty of other benefits, too, but that's the main thing that comes to mind right now. I don't want to do more than two kids and I am 100% positive two is pushing my good-parenting limit. But I think it's worth it to do my best for the future of my kids.


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## To-Fu (May 23, 2007)

P.S. I have always sort of envied the seemingly magical bond between blood siblings and have often wished I had a brother/sister of my own! That also played into our decision to have another child.


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## kayabrink (Apr 19, 2005)

I feel as if the burden of my whole family (parents, grandparents, and mentally unhealthy uncle) falls squarely on my shoulder. But, I'm an only grandchild as well as being an only child. And it's lonely. But guess what? for the past 28 years all the family ressources have been directed at me. I'm 28, went to university for 5 years for free, and own a mortgage free house. I got to go to boarding school in Europe as a teen (my choice!), and have had numerous other opportunities that I would not otherwise have had. And, I like my family, so I can deal with the "burden" of them!
eta: Note that I did, however, choose to have TWO children, although this has substantially changed our family's lifestyle (e.g. used to fly to Europe every summer to stay with dh's family; no longer financially possible to do so - this is just one very major example.)


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## peaceful_mama (May 27, 2005)

I think I'm going on 4 in 6 years BECAUSE I grew up as a wide-space kid. (20 years between half-brothers and me) Said half-brothers and I have no relationship to speak of now, especially since our dad passed in 2008. (they could barely be bothered to ATTEND the funeral, let alone PLAN anything.







*I* would have done more if I'd had someone to watch the kids for me to *do* it--it just would not have been productive for me to try to come and be with my mom while she met with the funeral home and all that with a 3 1/2 yr. old and 19 mo. old in tow.)

that's my take. I *wanted* a sibling, specifically a sister. (but I'll also state that my parents were not as involved as many here probably are and that might be a factor too. My dad was 'done' raising his family I think and through unforseen circumstances, he ended up being the at-home while my mom worked.)


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## natashaccat (Apr 4, 2003)

I'm very sad to be an only. I was raised by a single parent and my childhood was very lonely.

FWIW there are gazillions of kiddos out there who need adoptive homes. For anyone who wants more you don't have to give up your dreams of a large family.


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## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

just really quickly because I do want to truly respond- thank you. This thread has been really helpful to me in a ton of ways- I DO want to hear the reality for some. I bet we will lean toward a second, and I will just have to wait a bit for when I feel ready, because I really do not now- and when I talk to other first time moms, some of them DO feel ready.

I am so not there. But thank you, thank you, thank you- i'll respond more later.


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## wholewheatchick (Mar 1, 2009)

My DH is an only, and he loved it. His mom remembers him wanting a brother for a few years, but it must have been early b/c DH doesn't remember that. He and his parents get along really well, and money is not an issue at all, thankfully, so we won't have to worry about financially supporting them. We are also lucky that his parents are great friends with my parents, and live within a few hours of each other, so holidays can all be spent together. DH got to do so many amazing things when he was younger that would not have been possible with more than one child on his dad's military salary: skiing in the Alps for a week, travelling all over Europe, going on Outward Bound in high school, etc. He is an introvert, as are both of his parents, but he has lots of friends and the only time he was really lonely was when they were completely new to a place due to a move.

I have a sister who is 26 months younger and we have a relationship that is so awful that it is causing me to seriously contemplate only having one child. She is the complete opposite of me, has no financial or personal stability, no moral code to speak of, and is getting divorced at age 21 while living with her new boyfriend and her baby (by another man completely). While I love my sister because she is my sister, I highly doubt that we will ever be anything beyond civil. I know that I will be the only making decisions and providing support for our parents as they age, and it already irks me to think of that responsbility that should be shared, but will not be.

I never envied only children, though. I never wanted to be an only child. I just wanted a sibling who was actually nice and got along with me and my parents (the 3 of us have an amazing relationship). So I envied the families that had anywhere from 2 - 4 kids, and the kids all got along. As someone said, siblings are a wild card! Well, I suppose kids are in general right?


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## greenmamapagan (Jan 5, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natashaccat* 
I'm very sad to be an only. I was raised by a single parent and my childhood was very lonely.

Ditto. Then as a teen I went to live with my Dad and stepmother instead and like PPs I wished I had a sibling so I had someone to commiserate with _about_ my parents








Actually, it wasn't all so bad. I only read the first page so I don't know if anyone else mentioned this but I'm finding it's making parenting two children really freakin' hard! I have absolutely no idea about this whole sibling thing. Really. None. As DS moves from baby to toddler and becomes more of a playmate for DD I am more and more out of my depth. I got no idea! Having spent most of my childhood in a two person household I find it hard enough to balance DH's and DD's needs, let alone adding an extra person into that mix.
I sound really dysfunctional, I'm not. It's just hard work


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

dh is an only-- him being an only has been really tough on me! (and him) his fathers death, supporting his mom-- I feel that being an only child has been really cruel.

I think he feels about good friends the way that I feel about my brothers and sisters-- but it's just not reciprocated. I feel that i_n his case_, the decision to leave him as an only was pretty cruel.


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## triana1326 (Aug 8, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *greenmamapagan* 
Ditto. Then as a teen I went to live with my Dad and stepmother instead and like PPs I wished I had a sibling so I had someone to commiserate with _about_ my parents








Actually, it wasn't all so bad. I only read the first page so I don't know if anyone else mentioned this but I'm finding it's making parenting two children really freakin' hard! I have absolutely no idea about this whole sibling thing. Really. None. As DS moves from baby to toddler and becomes more of a playmate for DD I am more and more out of my depth. I got no idea! Having spent most of my childhood in a two person household I find it hard enough to balance DH's and DD's needs, let alone adding an extra person into that mix.
I sound really dysfunctional, I'm not. It's just hard work









This is what I'm worried about. I'm an only, although I do have an older brother and sister from my dad's first marriage - 20 years older to be precise. So I was raised as an only. And I'm really terrified about the whole sibling thing. I have no idea how to raise two...

For the OP, I was happy being an only growing up. I got all my parents' focus and attention. The only time I wished I had sibling was when I wanted to blame a broken whatever on someone else or when I didn't want to do all my chores. Other than that, I think that I had a great time being an only. I was "socialized" by hanging out with other kids, and my parents had the "cool" house that everyone wanted to come to. I can count on one hand the number of times I went to someone else's house for a sleepover or playdate. Although I'm a bit sad that I won't be giving that experience to my DD (this pregnancy was a complete surprise), I'm sure that having a sibling is a good thing as well. Good luck to you!


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## Hannah32 (Dec 23, 2009)

I didn't like being an only at all. I did have half siblings, which prevented my parents from being able to afford another child, but they were much older and never lived with us. I was lonely as a child and honestly, I'm a bit neurotic. I would have been better off with a sibling to take my mind off of various things. I had too much time to think as a child. My experience is a major reason why I want at least two children.


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## bri276 (Mar 24, 2005)

I will speak for my DH and say that he is 33 years old and still happy to be an only. He loved all the one on one constant extra attention from each of his parents as a child (and disliked it on the occasions he had to share time with parent's boyfriends/girlfriend's kids!) and just doesn't have a problem with it at all. He's not selfish, he's successful, etc.

OTOH, my stepfather is about 60 and wishes he had siblings. Both of his parents are deceased and he never had children of his own (which he regrets)- he feels like he has no immediate family. My best friend is also an only and is somewhere in between my DH and my stepfather- she kind of wishes she had siblings, but has tons of great friends, had a good childhood and it's not something she really thinks about a lot.

I have one sister who I have a very distant, difficult relationship with and who doesn't help me AT ALL with things like taking care/visiting older relatives, is rarely present for holidays, causes a lot of stress when she is around to the point that I'd prefer to see her only once or twice a year. When threads like this pop up, I always wonder about starting one that asks how people feel about their siblings. There are no guarantees in life! I know plenty of people with 1-5 siblings who aren't even really in touch with any of them.


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## mamaw/two (Nov 21, 2005)

I'm going to add my two cents, even though I'm not an only. But my dh is an only, in fact he is a fifth generation only! He says he was ok with being an only and never wished for a sibling. However, since watching out kids grow together and seeing their bonds, he has begun to wish he did have a brother or sister. His mother (also an only) lost her mom several years ago, and it was really hard to watch her go through that - she was left alone and had no one to share the grief with. He worries about the the burden of his parents getting older and passing being left to only us. However, he did have advantages that he wouldn't have had is he had siblings. He was on only grandson, so his grandmother was able to pay for his college and some of our house. We would not be in the financial position we are, if it had not been for her generosity. BUT, after being raised as an only, when he grew up, he chose to have 4 children (hopefully more to come). He is not selfish or spoiled, but the noise of a large family gets to him and he prefers to have several hours a day to be alone. I do attribute that to being an only and him being alone so much as a child (he was on a farm, so he didn't get to run around with neighborhood friends).
I was raised with one sister and one brother, and always wished for more. My sister and brother are my best friends and we talk about anything and everything. They will always be there to help out with my parents and it is a huge comfort to me. I used to have lots of friend, but as life changed and we grew up, I grew apart from most of them, but that will never happen with my siblings.
As I watch my children grow and am amazed at the wonderful bond I have with them, it is also so cool to see the bond that they develop with each other and I know that they will be best friends for life (with their cousins too!). I never feel like they are a pack of kids that I want to get away from, they are just my family and I love every minute with them (even the frustrating ones). When they say their prayers at night, they always pray that God blesses them with another brother or sister!
But having said all that, my mother was raised in a family with two brothers and she is somewhat close to one and despises the other to this day, she was never particularly close to her mother either, and didn't even attend her funeral. Even with all that, she is wishes that she had been able to have a larger family.
Anyway, my and my dh's viewpoint is that siblings are a great thing and that's coming from two different viewpoints.


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## poorlittlefish (Jul 20, 2008)

Hi there,
i didn't have time to read all the replies but I wanted to send over mine.
I am an only and had a great childhood...was very close to my parents, did everything with them etc. Loved it.

As an adult, I really, really wish I had a sibling. My mom was very ill a couple of years ago and have never felt so alone in my life. I felt like I shouldered everything with no one to share it with (I didn't want to add more to my dad's plate at the time). I am also feeling really smothered by them, especially now that I have a child that they want to see. I am their entire life and it can be hard sometimes.

I knew that I woudl never want to have just one for this reason only. I also don't have any guilt about the next baby that will be here in June because I know I am giving my daughter the best gift I could.


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## laughymama (Oct 14, 2009)

I'll be honest, I felt incomplete growing up as an only. I still do. I long for the sibling connection/experience I see others having. (although I realize that's not always how it works out with siblings.)

I felt lonely most of the time and smothered by the idea that I was IT for my parents. It was hard on me. It still is.

I think my mom and I would get along much better if there was more than just me. (this has a lot to do with the kind of person she is and who she is though. I think she would have done much better with at least 2 children instead of only me.)

My DH was not an only but there were 10 years between him and his sister. He hated that but stated that he never really minded being an only child or had a problem with it.

I think it depends on the person and the parents. You never know how things are going to work out.


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## simplemama32 (Jul 16, 2009)

I'm an only child, and I always considered myself and my parents the "three musketeers."  We had (and still have) a lot of fun together, traveled quite a bit, etc. Each of my parents has lots of siblings (4 for mom, and 7 for dad), so there were always quite a few cousins around on holidays for me to play with and grow up with.

Do I wish I had a sibling(s)? Definitely. But probably more because I'm pretty introverted and don't make friends easily. A sister or brother would have (in my dream, anyway...maybe not so much in reality!) been a built-in playmate and friend, and someone who would have experienced a childhood similar to mine and known all the little "insider" details about my family and parents.

Still, I'm happy to have my parents to myself, and I know I had many "extras" during my childhood that I wouldn't have had if there had been more kids. Also, my mother had an extremely bad labor with me and very well could have died delivering another baby. I can't and don't want to imagine growing up without her in my life!

As an adult, and as my parents are getting older, I sometimes think it would be nice to have someone to share the burden of caring for them when the time comes, and someone to make decisions with who knows and loves them like I do. But then again, my dad has SEVEN siblings who, in theory, could have helped with my grandparents, and it all still fell only on him.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Honestly - and I say this as an only child raised by an only child and with lots of friends who are only children - I think onlies are as unhappy, or not, as anyone else.
Do what feels right to you and your family - big or small - will be a happy one.


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## sncmom (Apr 15, 2009)

I hated, hated, HATED being an only. But, I was raised by a fairly dysfunctional mother and only saw my father 4-5 times int he first 18 years of my life. So that probably would've been a bummer no matter how many siblings I had. So I think happiness has more to do with the emotional health of your family rather than the number of kids.


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## chipper26 (Sep 4, 2008)

I just wanted to say, thanks for this thread. My dd will be an only and it's made me feel better about it.


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## flitters (Sep 18, 2003)

Just wanted to chime in as another very, very happy as an only child, now adult.

(Oh, and never wished for siblings.)


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## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

thank you all again. I am looking forward to this weekend where I can really read this through. i have already shared so many of your thoughts with my husband, and he said last night that since having cassady, he just hasn't thought of a second- we are just so happy this way. But his point was that there will be a time that we consider it, and it will have to feel right.

I don't think that's a rare feeling- the fear of breaking up the threesome in a way- that we have such a great time and life...why tempt fate?

anyway, thanks. I look forward to really reading everything again.


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## LCB (Jan 23, 2007)

I'm not an only child so my perspective isn't from that angle. But I have seen the comment several times that having siblings is no guarantee of help/friendship. I really just want to reinforce that. I have two brothers. The older one is 2 years older than me and made my life miserable until he finally moved away for college and has been gone since then. We can tolerate one another somewhat now. The younger one is ten years younger. I like him but he's so much younger that I feel more like his aunt than his sister. He's basically been raised as an only child since I moved out when he was pretty young. Neither of my siblings provides a close relationship or anything that really enriches my life. Probably they'll create extra work when it comes time to deal with my parents ageing. So it's never a guarantee.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Overall, I really, really, REALLY liked being an only child growing up. As an adult, I do sometimes wish I had a sibling . . . now that my mom is alone, I wish I had someone else to occupy some of her attention and time, and to help me take care of her when she eventually needs it. However, she should be in good health for a long time to come, and if she had more friends or was dating, she would have more distractions in her life . . . so it's not as much an issue of being an only as it is an issue of being an only to my particular mom.

Ultimately, I had more than one child because I really wanted to be pregnant and have another baby . . . if anything, I feel like it was a selfish decision to do that, because growing up with siblings seems less than ideal from my perspective.


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## Novus (Mar 16, 2010)

I'm an only and have gone through stages of hating/not minding it. Growing up, I wanted a sibling, but I had cousins who lived close and so I got the benefits of being an only and of having "siblings." But after about age 8, we moved frequently (internationally, and then several domestic moves), my parents got divorced, my dad left the country, and on the one hand, I was glad I was an only because it was a tough time financially and emotionally and I wouldn't have wanted that for another person, but at the same time, having someone else who was going through it would have been nice. Through all of that, however, my mom and I got really close and I have always thought that if I had a sibling, that probably wouldn't have happened (and I LOVE the relationship I have with my mom, so that would've been sad.)

I've known people who got along great with siblings, people who never talk to their siblings, and people who are in between like DH's family--they're not the type to call each other constantly, but will pull together when needed and have a wonderful time when they're together on visits. After having DS, I'm a little bit sad that he'll never have cousins/aunts/uncles on my side of the family. Plus, right now, I always think that if anything happened to one of DH's parents, he & his siblings would all pull together to deal with the situation, but if something happened to my parents or stepparents, it's all me. That being said, there are plenty of families with 2+ children and the eldercare still falls to one of the siblings, and I think that situation would make me even more resentful/stressed.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I'm sure that your decision will be the right one for your family.


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## MommaCrystal (May 25, 2006)

I'm amazed at how many onlies liked it. I'm an only and I really wish it didn't have to be that way.

I have always been more mature than others my age. To this day. So finding something in common with my peers was always hard. So in college when everyone around me was doing crazy silly things I just wasn't into it (for example). Even now my friends all tend to be older and so therefore have children older than mine. It is still lonely. I tend to believe if I had siblings and playmates and a crazier house I would have been more adjusted to that and enjoyed it as I grew.

As others mentioned, my mother's whole world revolved around me. Not in the I got all her positive attention kind of way. But in the all... all her hopes and dreams are pinned on me way. To this day, I'm it and now my kids are it. My husband and I DREAM of pulling up steaks and moving away from here. But we can't because it would, quite literally KILL my mother.

I didn't get benefits of travel or free to me education or help with home purchases. There wasn't money for that. Instead I was alone a lot as my mother worked to pay the bills.

And now? Now what? She's getting older. She hasn't save one red cent for her retirement or care as she ages. I'm it! It all falls on me! Goodness I HATE that idea.

We're on kid number 3. Oh the joy as the two play together and love each other and look out for each other and protect each other. They get crazy and silly and laugh together. They play games and enjoy each other. And yes, they fight! I had none of that! I can't imagine what their lives would be without the other. It makes me so sad to think of it.

My husband has 10 years between himself and his brother. He grew up with two loving adoring doting parents. He'd rather take an eye out than have an only. For many of the same reasons I listed above.

We'd have a dozen if we could swing it.

Every family has to do what is right for them. My mom only had me because she knew she didn't have the resources for more. I thank her for being smart enough. My DH's family tried for many years before they were successful at a 2nd. It is what it is. But when we were given the choice, we knew, one would NEVER be right for us.

Right now we are thinking of 4 biological kids and then maybe adopting.


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## puffingirl (Nov 2, 2006)

Overall, I really enjoy being an only. We got to do a lot more stuff that we could not have done had there been another child (or more), I have enjoyed a close relationship to my parents and I like having my own space (I'm still that way a bit). As an adult, it's still good. There have, of course, been times when I thought a sibling would be nice, but it never felt like anything was missing and a lot of times I've been very grateful to be an only. DH wants another child but I am very happy with having our one DD so she will likely be an only too.


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## BarnMomma (Dec 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MommaCrystal* 
I'm amazed at how many onlies liked it. I'm an only and I really wish it didn't have to be that way.

I have always been more mature than others my age. To this day. So finding something in common with my peers was always hard. So in college when everyone around me was doing crazy silly things I just wasn't into it (for example). Even now my friends all tend to be older and so therefore have children older than mine. It is still lonely. I tend to believe if I had siblings and playmates and a crazier house I would have been more adjusted to that and enjoyed it as I grew.

Had to comment again...

This is SO how I feel too. I married someone 22 years my senior because men my own age seem like children to me. I too all have friends older than me and while I crave alone time, I always feel lonely.

I have hopes for my son and soon to be born daughter that they are as close as DH's siblings who are all best friends, all 5 of them. They are all there for each other and extremely close.


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## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

as the OP, I just have to say thank you all so much for the postings. I mean, we are still leaning toward an only and it's because the trouble of my DD coming to us and feeling like she is missing out might still be less trouble/heartache than having to make all the changes we would have to in order to have a second.

That said, I am giving myself until her 2nd bday next march to decide. I need to stop worrying about it. I will also likely start or find a thread of parents of only childen.


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## Suzmama (Nov 24, 2006)

I think we make our own families! I am an only but have a cousin who has always been like a sister to me and a friend who has always been like a brother. I adore them both!


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## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

I agree and needed to read that again. thank you. I think the guilt or regret i might have for not having a second will be offset by the things we will be able to do as a family, and the lowered levels of stress in terms of finance. We love living in the city, and do not want to have to move (we were both suburb kids and are hoping to raise DD in brooklyn) but in order to do that, we need to be careful with money.

There was also a Time article, which I imagine someone probably posted...and that helped me too.


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## BtotheG (Jan 28, 2009)

Just to offer a different perspective...

I have two siblings and spent my childhood fervently wishing I had been an only child. My siblings weren't horrible, but I'm an introvert who likes peace and quiet, and my siblings...weren't. While we did play together sometimes, the fighting and stealing/destroying my stuff is what I remember most. I liked going out to play with friends, and wished I could have come home to a quiet house and have alone time when I was done playing with them.

While we all have a decent relationship now, I don't feel all that close to them. In fact, I have many friends who are more like siblings to me than my actual siblings.

Also, I think my mother was completely overwhelmed with three children, and would have been able to be a more effective parent had she only had one (or even two) children.

We also can't really commiserate about our parents. One of my siblings hasn't spoken a word to our father in almost 30 years. As for our mother, we all have such a completely different relationship with her, and view her in such completely different ways, that it's almost as if we're not even talking about the same person.

My dh is the person who supports me and commiserates with me now. And I feel closer to his sister in many ways than my own.

As another example, my MIL has four siblings and none of them have spoken to each other in years. They were no help to each other during the illnesses and deaths of their parents.

I guess my point is that it's not as simple as only child = bad and siblings = good, or even the reverse. I think each family needs to do what's right for them.


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## livinlovinlaughin (Mar 23, 2010)

I struggle with this too. I feel like by the time we might be ready for another child they would be so far apart in age that they might not be close anyway.


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## PrincessWinnie (May 24, 2005)

I was on only child and I will say my childhood was great. I was never lacking for friends (my neighborhood was FULL of kids and my best friends lived right next door), always had lots of activities to keep me busy, had an active life in school, got along with my parents, and always appreciated that while my friends were getting in trouble for fighting with siblings I was lounging on my bed with a book or a drawing pad.

The downside as a teenager was that my parents kind of hyper-focused on me and analyzed everything I did in school, who were my friends, who was I dating, where was I going, where had I been. And I was a GOOD KID who never got in trouble, never did a single drug, didn't go get blasted at parties, got good grades, played in the band, etc. That didn't end as I stayed at home through about age 22 so I could commute to a local university and save money. The constant questioning about what I was doing/where was I going at that age was wearing thin and I think my mom was losing her ability to handle that I wasn't going to be "hers" much longer and we grew apart for a bit.

As an adult, it's getting more difficult as I see the time where their care and well-being will be my sole responsibility. There is no one to commiserate with about their stubbornness, health issues, decisions about their future. My dad is going through this right now with his mother who has late-stage dementia and the stress is overwhelming. One of his brothers passed away about 10 years ago and the other lives 7 hours away and seems to enjoy pretending that none of this is his responsibility since he lives 7 hours away. All the burden is on my poor dad and it really scares me.


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## Stella_luna (Jan 26, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrincessWinnie* 
As an adult, it's getting more difficult as I see the time where their care and well-being will be my sole responsibility.

Well, I have 3 sisters, and my mom *is* my sole responsibility. And I have a friend who has 5 siblings, and both her parents were her sole responsibility, too, until the day they died. All her siblings did (as will mine) is took their share of the inheritance at the end. As far as I can tell, this is often the case.

OP, don't worry. Do what's right for your family. You know what? For every miserable adult only, you can find a thoroughly happy one, and for every adult thrilled with their siblings, you can find one who doesn't even speak to them, or who has deep wounds from them. My two happiest, best-adjusted friends are both adult onlies (and love/loved being only children). I also have several friends who have very acrimonious relationships with siblings or don't speak to them at all.

All families are different. Your child's experience will be her own, and it can be wonderful or not so wonderful based on an infinite number of factors, the presence or absence of siblings being only a small part.


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## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

SL: I just printed that. Thank you. It applies to so much about parenting.


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## Stella_luna (Jan 26, 2006)

I'm glad it helped. If you look at some of my previous posts, you'll see that I'm traveling a similar journey . . . I have an only child (who will definitely stay an only owing to health issues of mine), and I, too, suffer doubts and worry from time to time. What I wrote to you is where I am with it right now. It's so easy to get mired in your thoughts, amidst people's perceptions about the lives of only children, and it's so hard to see beyond all the stuff people say.

FWIW, my child is now 8 years old, loves being an only, always has, and actually groans and recoils in horror when people ask if she wants a sibling, just from seeing how life is at her friends with siblings' houses. All her friends want to be only children and ask to move into our house. If anyone was meant to be an only child, it's she







. And this may change in the future, or not, but for now, our family is full of love and fun and the only peson in it who worries about DD's future is me







.


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## hteb83 (Dec 24, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BarnMomma* 

As a teen, it became more apparent that being an only wasn't so hot. Now this might have just applied to MY parents- but they were SO focused on me that I had no wiggle room and I felt totally smothered. They were very strict and worried about freaking everything despite the fact that if they had just opened their eyes a bit they would have seen that I was the type of teen that most parents would dream of- tough, not easily influenced, no one ever talked me into anything, conservative(as in not a wild child), and cautious. And yet I was constantly grounded (for BS things like being 5 minutes late for my 9:30 curfew) and really felt that if I had another kid in the house they wouldn't be so strict and controlling.

Just my 2 cents.

Yep. This is exactly how I felt too.


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

I'm not an only, but my DD will most likely be an only child. My best friend is an only child. She is very close to her parents. They talk about everything. They travel. They don't live together, but they are very involved in each other's lives in a good way.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LCB* 
I'm not an only child so my perspective isn't from that angle. But I have seen the comment several times that having siblings is no guarantee of help/friendship.









:

Having a sibling is nice, but having a sibling is no guarantee that the siblings will get along as grown ups. People move away for a variety of reasons. You can have siblings, but still be the person who takes care of your parents when they are older. My dad has a brother and a sister, but my uncle (dad's brother) is the one who takes care of my grandma since he's the one who lives closest to her. My father lives thousands of miles away from his mother. It's not possible for him to take care of her the way his brother does. Same thing with my own family. I live in the same state as my parents. I'll most likely take care of them as they get older. I can't expect a sibling who lives 6 hours away by plane to give the same kind of care that I can given my proximity to them.

Time Magazine recently had a cover story about the myths about "onlies". It's very interesting - I think you can find the article online on their site.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

I was a lonely only who asked for siblings but didn't get them. I do have 1/2 siblings, but the age gap is so large that we are not close (20 years).

My parents were not great and ended up divorcing. So I can see how I was a lonely only.

My DD will probably be an only due to medical issues on my part and I am so sad for her. I know nothing in life is guaranteed, but I had hoped to give her a sibling so she wouldn't be alone when we got older/passed on.

As sad as I am about her being an only, I see how much easier I have it compared to my friends with more than one. My life is so much easier. I can do things they can't, plan activities for DD and me, work out etc... The parents I know with multiple kids always seem so stressed out and spend a lot of time supervising their kids--it's exhausting to watch, I can't imagine doing it.

So if we did have more kids (which is really unlikely at this juncture) I would space about 5 years apart.

V


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## livinlovinlaughin (Mar 23, 2010)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PrincessWinnie* 
The downside as a teenager was that my parents kind of hyper-focused on me and analyzed everything I did in school, who were my friends, who was I dating, where was I going, where had I been. And I was a GOOD KID who never got in trouble, never did a single drug, didn't go get blasted at parties, got good grades, played in the band, etc. That didn't end as I stayed at home through about age 22 so I could commute to a local university and save money. The constant questioning about what I was doing/where was I going at that age was wearing thin and I think my mom was losing her ability to handle that I wasn't going to be "hers" much longer and we grew apart for a bit.

I am the youngest of two girls and I had a very similar experience as a teen/early 20 yr old. However I rebelled and withdrew from my family. Now we are super close and my mom is my other best friend (my DH is also)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Stella_luna* 
OP, don't worry. Do what's right for your family. You know what? For every miserable adult only, you can find a thoroughly happy one, and for every adult thrilled with their siblings, you can find one who doesn't even speak to them, or who has deep wounds from them. My two happiest, best-adjusted friends are both adult onlies (and love/loved being only children). I also have several friends who have very acrimonious relationships with siblings or don't speak to them at all.

All families are different. Your child's experience will be her own, and it can be wonderful or not so wonderful based on an infinite number of factors, the presence or absence of siblings being only a small part.

Well said. After reading and responding to the above I started to realize this then read your post which confirmed my thoughts.

I want DH and I to be close to our DS and be able to talk about anything, enjoy each other's company and be full of love for one another. I want this if he is an only child or for any others we may have. If I can accomplish this then I am beginning to think it does not matter if he has siblings or not. In my case I think I will leave it up to God.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

As an adult only, I had worried about the caretaking of elderly parents bit--until I aquired a large circle of older friends and now many of them are caretakers of elderly parents...

Folks, gotta tell you--the most horrific stories I have seen of caretaker burnout have almost always come from people with siblings. The parent may not have had as much $$ to begin with and to help support themselves, or perhaps it's the *expectation* of the caregiver that their siblings will contribute...but I would say in the vast majority of people I know with elderly parents it's one sibling that gets stuck with the primary care. One sibling that is there for the daily grind AND makes most of the decisions (or worse, has those decisions interfered with by a distant sib who contributes nothing to the care of the parent). I have seen families totally blow apart over the death of a parent because of disagreements of the distribution of knicknacks (and no, it wasn't that they were horribly dysfunctional to begin with--but that the stress of the parental death brought any issues from before, including ones that ALL parties had thought solved, or major burnout/resentment from the caretaker).

I think that the decision of the parents to have another child should be dependents upon THEIR desires. NOT them projecting their sunniest expectations onto the children they have, or fears about the future.

You could give birth to 8 children and by fate have 7 of them die before the age of 30. Having children is no guarantee that there will be more than one around by the time you are elderly and infirm to "share the burden". Or you could have 10 survive and still it's your oldest daughter that bears the total responsibility, with siblings unwilling, incapable, or unwilling to pull an "equal share."

I think if you want to limit stress on your adult children for your caregiving, you should try as hard as you can to arrange things financially for your care. THAT is what tends to lower stress, not to trust that all 3 or 4 or 15 of them will work together for it.

Same thing with assuming that any child you have will be a happy playmate for the other. You've got a pretty good chance but no guarantee. And close siblings in childhood can have rifts as adults, or vice versa.

I really wish that people would stop projecting their desires onto their kids. If you want another baby, then that's wonderful! Go for it! If you do not, then that is wonderful too, don't! Enjoy your child(ren) and be happy and content. But to have another child with the reason that you expect them to behave the way you want them to behave is a stupid reason, IMO. Though if that's what you say to shut up nosy relatives/strangers, that is cool and is different; I totally sympathize with saying whatever you need to say to stop people bleating at you.

It's just that the whole, "well, I'm having some/no more children because I have decided that my child will feel x in 20 years" makes me cringe. You don't know that. Children are their own beings, not automatons or the fulfillers of our best intentions. KWIM?

I am an only, and have 3 kids. I only "wanted" two (though I am happy with my bonus twin). I wanted to have more than one child, because *I wanted* that. Whether or not they are happy with that is not really my concern, since I have no control over it. I certainly HOPE that they remain as close as they are now--but hell, it's not like *I* had anything to do with that! It is their personalities, they have similar interests, they'd probably be friends even if they weren't sibs, and I am darn lucky that it turned out that way!


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## artemis80 (Sep 8, 2006)

I haven't had time to read all the replies, but IMO, you can't plan your family structure around how you think/predict/worry/hope your children will feel about it. Because you just can't know. You can see it on this thread -- some people liked it, some people hated it. And if you polled MDC for "Adults who grew up with one sibling," or "Adults who grew up with three siblings," etc. you would likely find the same thing. You just don't know what your child's or future children's temperaments will turn out and what will happen between them, or between them and you, to create the attitudes toward your family that they'll carry into adulthood. And no matter how a person is raised, that person will always wish something had been different. So I would make this decision based on whether _you_ want to have multiple children rather than on how you think your existing child will be affected.

That said, I was raised as the only child of a single parent and it was fine. There were times where I wished I had a brother or sister, but I'm pretty sure if I had one, there would have been times I wished I didn't.







I think kids will always feel a little bit of the "grass is greener" no matter what the situation is. Bottom line, it was what I knew, so it felt familiar and right most of the time. As an adult, I can see intellectually how it might be nice to have more people in my family for support, understanding, and fun, but it's not a desire I really _feel_ very deeply. As I said above, I think everyone probably has some regrets about how they were raised, or issues that stem from how they were raised. People have probably already listed some of those issues for onlies. But I honestly don't think they are any worse (or better) than the issues that come up for people raised with siblings.

So again, my bottom line is, do what you feel is right for your parenting capacity, not what you feel you should do for your existing child.


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## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

I don't think of my DD caring for me (we will not make it her financial responsibility), I think of her going through times in her life without someone who fully understands what she is going through- emotionally. Of course I know that she might not be close with her sibling, but we truly only have what we know in order to make decisions, and I have a great relationship with my brother, and my DH has a great relationship with his sister. I agree that there is always a "grass is greener" for some people, and in this case although I am likely to stick with one (because I feel our family is complete) there are times I will second guess that choice. So I really appreciate everyone's comments.

The worst case scenario is that my DD says to herself "wow, I wish I had a sib, but my parents did what they thought was best for our family, and look at the benefits to that." Best case would be that she loves it, and doesn't feel like anything is missing. But every person wants for something, and if she can see the benefits to our choice, that will help.

Every situation is so different and because of so many more elements than whether you have a sibling or not. I don't see anything wrong with making a parenting decision in part due to what you think is best for your child. In this case, some think it's best for a child to have a sibling- and that decision is made with care and a hope that the parents are right.

We make decisions all the time that we are unsure of the true impact but we make them thinking that they are the right decisions for our child. And I would argue that you do have something to do with how close your kids are- not to say it would be your fault if they weren't- but when kids are close it's often because they feel secure in their personalities, their roles are respected and celebrated in the family, they don't feel resentment or competition that comes from the parents with regard to their sibs, they can celebrate their sibling's achievements and be excited FOR the sibling, and they feel loving toward others due to what they see. so congrats! (again, not saying if your kids aren't close those things aren't present but they certainly add to a close family!)


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## altoidmandy (Jun 9, 2008)

I think most of this has already been mentioned but...

As a child, I never wanted siblings. Was a happy only, developed very close relationships with my parents (which I still have). However, I never really learned to interact well with other kids (not necessarily because I was an only but I'm sure it didn't help). Like some previous posters said, I was also very mature and used to interacting more with adults so that was a challenge.

As an adult I wish I had siblings. My parents divorced when I was in college so I don't really have a family of my own. I do worry about being the sole caretaker for both my parents as they age. I have stepsisters who are all very close to each other and I envy that relationship. I think it is harder for me to get close to people than others who have siblings. Again, though, a lot of these issues have to do with my personality, so I think it depends a lot on the kid.


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## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

Thank you.

Just to be full circle and let people know the (current) outcome- I have decided that for now, we are an only child family. And if that changes, I will face that decision when and if it changes. but to live wondering if I should and how I will feel at a certain point wasn't helping anything. So for now, we are a little family of 3, and we feel complete.

Possibly, like someone mentioned, by the time I am ready they will be too far apart to be close (as kids- but one would hope as adults they get closer) or I will feel like it's too late for me.

but I can't wonder about that now...so thank you all for your support.


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## MadiMamacita (Jan 29, 2006)

Haven't read the other responses-
my best friend is an only, married to an only.
they absolutely do not want an only child.
they both feel strongly that they are missing out on that extended family feeling and are already sad that their children won't have aunts, uncles, cousins..


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## lovetheheights (Aug 7, 2008)

Wanted to say thanks for all the responses, now years later-- we are having a second  and the responses helped!


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## cynthiamoon (Nov 29, 2009)

I think the problem is that people assume siblings will be there for each other, when so often they are a blight in each other's lives. That's how it it with my MIL and FIL-- their siblings are not in the picture at all. For me, I am the youngest of six; but by 15 years so that I am effectively an only. I hated it, and begged my parents to adopt kids. But that's because I never saw my siblings as such. More like aunts and uncles or something. However, I really don't think I have it in me to have anther. I hated the newborn home-bound months. HATED them. I barely made it out of that with my sense of self intact. I don't think I can do that again. Better one healthy mom than a gaggle of siblings and an angry shrew!!


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## Snapdragon (Aug 30, 2007)

Probably most kids would like a sibling. The problem is if the parents don't feel they can adequately raise more than one, or don't want to. We have an only and I am sure he would like to have a sibling- he is four now- but dh and I just - we are just so - tired and overwhelmed already with life-! And we don't really feel we have abundant energy to raise another kid. It is a tough choice and one we consider a lot. On a purely for the child level I think ds would like sibling-- and I sometimes feel badly that we will deny him that. But on another level- dh and I feel that we don't have the extra energy to spend, the extra money to spend, the extra time to spend- and for ourselves we don't think we want to choose the extra work of another child. It is kind of a tough call. I do feel guilty about it sometimes for ds.


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## Jastiv (Nov 3, 2013)

I remember from the time I was in preschool wanting a sibling, and my parents would not give that to me. Mom said she was too old, but also she never got along that well with her sister.

As a kid I wanted a sibling more to have a playmate, and then when I got to be a teenager, to take the pressure off of me. My parents had all these hopes and dreams for me and I felt like I got stuck with all the expectations. It got very stressful.

Now as an adult, I don't think about it much anymore, I don't know what kind of relationship I would have had with a sibling. On the other hand as adults, if it doesn't work you don't have to have much to do with each other. When my grandma died, it was my mom and me who ended up taking care of her, the other siblings did not do much, but that was our choice. Because of how she felt about her sibling and the fact she didn't want a big fight over the money, she just ended up paying herself, her husband and I for the time spent caring for grandma. (it was pretty involved, she had dementia for years and finally died of it, while managing to stay out of the nursing hope except for a few brief respites.)

I think part of the reason mom and her sister had some issues is not only their innate temperaments, but perhaps also some of the things my grandmother did when raising them. I'm sure she had her own reasons for raising them the way she did, but some of the stuff was just not helpful.

I only have one child who is four months old so far, and I know I want to have another one when he gets older. I think two will probably be enough for me, just because I want to do other things rather than just focus on children all the time.


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

I never wanted a sibling. Most of the people with siblings I knew, they either didn't get along or the aget difference was large enough that the elder was basically a free babysitter. 

I think that one problem is that parents can have a hard time recognizing when sibling dynamics are toxic, I know a few people who were bullied or even abused by siblings to the point that they want nothing to do with their siblings now and their parents refuse to face what happened. It's hard to face when one precious child is hurting another, and also hard to tell what's going on when it turns into "he said she said". It's also just hard to handle sibling abuse, I do not envy anyone in that situation. My mil refuses to accept that my partner hates my bil after what happened during their childhood, even though her brother was similar and she won't speak to him.

We're planning on having more, but I am concerned well end up with a kid like bil. I'm hoping that by being aware of the risk and looking out for the warning signs we'll be able to avoid it, though.


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## pumabearclan (Nov 14, 2012)

My child is an adult only. She enjoys it. She is well-adjusted and has friendships with other only children as well as being included in the families of other friends. Mostly she has expressed her appreciation for the privacy and refuge of our home life and the fact that she has and continues to receive 100% of our support and resources. She has and had opportunities and advantages that she could not otherwise have had if we had commitments to other children. She has said that being an only has made her cultivate and value her self-confidence and independence.


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