# GD Book Recommendations?



## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

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## Mallory (Jan 2, 2002)

I think all their books are great!

In fact I believe that that they also sell some sort workshop kit that goes along with that book and I was contemplating starting some sort of parenting group. Do you want to come? Should I find out more and post in the tribal section?

If you search this forum for books you can find lots of recommendations.

hope we can get together in the next few weeks!


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

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## Mallory (Jan 2, 2002)

Well the audio workshop is $130.00 and then everyone needs a copy of "How to Talk...", "Liberated Parents.." and a workbook.

I know that for me that would be too expensive unless we had like 8 families to split the cost. And I don't think I know that many people. But maybe just a book discussion/play group.


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## lunar forest (Feb 20, 2003)

This thread is a good idea. I could really use some good book recommenations, too!

I've read a lot of gd books, but off the top of my head I really liked one book, who's name I cannot remember at the moment, but I will look it up and get back to you. It's something like "Raising children without hitting or yelling."


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## mindyfalcon (Jul 15, 2002)

lotusdebi

I know this is not what you were looking for, but I just wanted to say that I am walking the same path. I, too, was an abused child and live in fear of continuing that line of abuse. I have yet to read any good books as the remote (nice word for hick) town where we live has none at the libraries and I'm too broke to buy them. I've been practicing the "get the hell out and breathe" method. I have no partner so I feel doubly frustrated at not having assistance. But I've finally gotten to that point where I know it's okay if I need to go into another room and get centered. Walking away from dd for a minute or two is SO much better than the ramifications of staying and risking an explosion. Okay. I'll stop my tangent now. Just wanted you to know that I sympathize and respect you for trying to do things differently.


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## pjlioness (Nov 29, 2001)

I like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, but found Nonviolent Communication http://www.cnvc.org/main.htm even better. How to Talk... advocates "natural" consequences that aren't. I know that there is a free group for NVC in Chicago http://www.journeysoflife.org/nvc.htm and there may be others elsewhere. Dh and I plan to attend the group sometime, or find a closer one, as we definitely have some of the issues that have been brought up in this thread.


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## gabesmama (Aug 3, 2002)

I am in the middle of reading a fantastic discipline book. I have started implementing some of the techniques and they work!

It is called, "Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict By Establishing Clear, Firm, And Respectful Boundaries"
Robert J. Mackenzie

Good Luck,

Lori


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I would like to recommend Harville Hendrix's "Giving the Love that Heals: a guide for parents".

It isn't so much about gentle discipline, but it has detailed techniques for learning how to communicate effectively with your children and thus avoid the yelling, fighting, etc. It's not specific for babies and toddlers, since your ability to communicate verbally with them is limited, but it's a great overall book. What I like about it, is that it also focuses alot on how YOU were parented and how that affects the way you respond to your kids in various situations. Like are there things that totally set your DH off but don't bother you much, and then you find yourselves conflicted about how to deal with it? That sort of thing.


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## lunar forest (Feb 20, 2003)

You can find it at amazon.com:
Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking: Practical Solutions to the Most Common Preschool Behavior Problems
by Jerry Wyckoff & Barbara Undell.

I just realized that I only read this book once, when I was pregnant with my first. I loved it, and I thought it had some really great, practical ideas, but I haven't looked at it since then, so I'm really not sure about it.

Like I said, though, I at the time it was the best thing I had read on the subject.


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## chicagomom (Dec 24, 2002)

My favorite GD book is Smart Love by William Pieper and Martha Heineman Pieper. They lay out what is going on at various ages from a developmental psychology point of view, which I found really helpful. It was easier for me to figure out what to do when my two year old wouldn't share toys, for example, once I understood *why* he was incapable of doing so.

I would combine this book with How to Talk... for a good theoretical + practical approach to GD.

Carolyn


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

Absolute favorites:

"You Are Your Child's First Teacher" - Rahima Baldwin Dancy
*"Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" - Laura Davis & Janis Keyser* (current favorite)
"How to Talk..." - Faber & Mazlish
"Kids, Parents, & Power Struggles" - Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
"Positive Parenting" (There are three different books I like - "A-Z", the one for the preschool age, and the other is, I believe, just called Positive Parenting) - Jane Nelsen

It's true that much of this does not come naturally for so many of us - largely because we have not been parented this way. I think posting the steps around the house is a fantastic idea!


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

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## Ericsmom (Jul 30, 2003)

Wow...I am in the exact same boat. Abused as a child, and worse, saw my siblings abused (very, very hard on me, the oldest child). My son is 9 months old and even now I feel really overprotective of him and have to remind myself that he's not in any danger. ...thankfully, I married the most mild-mannered guy around (lived with a hot head most of my life already..don't want that again, thank you very much), and both of us are committed to never use physical punishment as a form of discipline or otherwise..

What do others do when you feel super frustrated? I like the idea of taking a 2 second breather. I've done that already when baby is crying and I just don't know what to do. Any other strategies?


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

This is a technique that I picked up from other mamas on this board: When I feel incredibly frustrated, I pretend that I'm being watched by strangers. It takes a bit of practice to be able to get into that mode, but it's incredibly helpful (because I certainly don't want to make an @ss of myself by being short with my child in front of strangers). If the pretending doesn't work, then I actually pack us up and go somewhere. It serves two purposes - a change of scenery (which *always* helps) and an immediate audience.


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## deejay (Jul 11, 2003)

Positive Parenting is on my list to read and I am currently reading, Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This book so far has helped me learn about myself. I also like the fact that she uses everyday examples.


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## lunar forest (Feb 20, 2003)

*Bump*
This is a great thread, and I think there are more people who'd like to read it!


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## PurplePixiePooh (Aug 5, 2003)

Biblical Parenting by Crystal Lutton

Even if you are NOT a Christian there are tons and tons of great ideas and tools in this book, it goes a bit above what is considered GD to what is called grace-based discipline and uses a no punishment technique that we found works very, very well.

If anyone is interested in buying a copy, pm me and I can give you the web site addy....

I would recommend this book to anyone interested in gently disciplining their children.


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Quote:

_*... by Dragonfly*
... When I feel incredibly frustrated, I pretend that I'm being watched by strangers. It takes a bit of practice to be able to get into that mode, but it's incredibly helpful (because I certainly don't want to make an @ss of myself by being short with my child in front of strangers) ..._

Wow.

That's fascinating.

DH is in a similar situation to others in this thread (abused as a child) and he's not so thrilled with my GD obsession (he thinks spanking works







) Anyway, I've noticed he is hugely different when the kids act up "in public." Just more patient, more calm.










Now how to get this idea into his head without getting him mad ...


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## NoraJadesMama (Aug 16, 2003)

I'm bumping this up because there's a new thread asking about books, and this is another source of great ideas.

While I'm bumping I thought I'd ask: What do y'all think of Kid Cooperation by Elizabeth Pantley?

I like her explanation that nagging and conflict often arise when we lack clarity, consistency, conviction and follow-through on our rules. I am working on identifying what boundaries/expectations are worth my physically following through on (and writing them down). I am realizing that I can't get too resentful about the ones I'm not consistently willing to follow through on physically, those may be "preferences" but not "rules". Being clear about this is really helping me be consistent with my expectations, and my physical follow-through on these key items helps my children meet these expectations with a minimum of conflict. So I think I have really gotten something out of that book.

Where I think I am uncomfortable with Pantley's model is that for her, physical follow-through seems to be more a matter of consequences (sometimes logical, sometimes not, even though she does try to distinguish them), and for me what feels right is actively *helping* the child make it happen. As an example, bedtime at our house used to be a confusing, unpredictable and frustrating time because dp and I were still trying to do the kitchen or whatever, and the kids seemed always to want to keep playing, and sometimes we'd really push for bedtime, and sometimes we'd just let the kids play, etc. Now with a kindergartener early bedtime is a matter of survival! When it's time to get ready for bed we drop what we're doing and start doing bedtime with the kids. With all that friendly but firm momentum always happening at the same time like clock-work, bedtime preparations happen on schedule without parent-child conflict.

I guess part of the thing is that bedtime is something that dp and I think is really important and the kids don't really see that, so we kind of own it as our problem, and provide what our children need to participate willingly. The conviction and consistency and physical follow-through are essential. But with momentum being the key, rather than drawing a line in the sand. Maybe Pantley's model works better with older children (it's so hard to project what parenting will be like even a year down the line!)?

I have been reading lots of the books recommended here, and each one seems to add a very important and special piece to the puzzle (and occasionally some pieces that don't fit for me). I am very much enjoying clarifying my ideas and gaining more skills as I grow as a parent of small children.

Anyone else read Kid Cooperation?

H


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## tinawind (Dec 25, 2001)

I think the PET books have some useful ideas for negotiationg conflicts with children. _Parent Effectiveness Training_ by Thomas Gordan

Marshal Rosenberg's _Non violent communication_ book & there is also a pamplet on using NVC in parenting.

(Even small local public libraries usually offer inter-library loans, either free, or for a small fee (often to cover postage) and can aquire books from much larger library systems. It helps when requesting these, to have a lot of details about the book (complete, correct title, author, publisher and/or ISBN can help to locate harder to find books)

I come from a history of abuse, and spent years focused on dealing with it & starting to see how possibility of abuse was built into a lot of parenting models (taking 'normal' parenting behavoir a few steps farther becoming abusive, and that it was hard to see when the line was being crossed sometimes when right in the middle of it). I first stopped being afraid of becoming a parent (afraid I would despite the best of my intentions repeat some of what I went through) when I found a series of new (to me) ideas on parenting through the natural child project - then the continuum concept, then taking children seriously, then non-violent communication.

It seemed really important to me to have positive models - ideas about *good* things to do, rather than negative ones (I always had lots of ideas about what *not* to do, but coming to ideas about parenting from a 'what to avoid' perspective seemed like a bad idea)

Christina Cat


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## velcromom (Sep 23, 2003)

I too was determined not to parent my kids the way I was parented. There was one book that helped me to do that: 'Between Parent and Child' ,by Haim Ginott. I have used his methods for the past 8 years and have seen excellent results. The book was just re-published in an updated version. I have also found that 'Liberated Parents, Liberated Children' by Faber & Mazlish, is a great companion book to Between Parent and Child since it follows two womens' experiences in learning from Dr.Ginott and using the methods in their own families. Both books are available used at amazon at very good prices.


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## AnelleSouthAfrica (Oct 4, 2003)

Another excellent Christian book is Heartfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson. He really challenges the traditional perception of the rod-scriptures. We have loved this book and it has certainly been a great blessing to our family.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I was also abused as a child. I recommend many if not all the books listed above. LOL I do like Elizabeth Pantley.

I try my hardest to be a gentle parent I am not perfect.

When my son was about 5/6 our life was coming apart. We had many changes and a lot of stress. I was being a poor parent and he needed more consistency (that is not the best word for what I mean) than gentle parenting provided. We were referred to a book called 1,2,3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. I do not agree with this guy completely but by adding in a few things (like making sure the child knows what his wrong behavior is) I found it helped us greatly.

I rarely use it any more but it did help in a rough period of time. I figured sending my kid to their room is far better than abuse. I send myself to my room. We have had a few laughable moments when they (mostly my son) have counted to send me to my room.

My son is only 9 years old. He unfortunately has been told how I was raised. I did plan on talking to him about it, but not as soon as we did. He needed the truth because of the situation. He is very understanding. He now helps out with his sisters more when I need to "break" and regroup. At times I feel guilty for having to rely on him but he seems to understand that what I want most for him and his sister is for them to have a better childhood than I and to learn to be a better parent than I am.


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## Konur's Mom (Jun 28, 2002)

Any of these better for a 2.5 year old? We have done modfied time outs and " go to the other room if you are going to scream cause I dont want to hear it" but am reading that neither are good. I need to get a handle on this NOW! The exerpts from the books seem to be moe geared for the pre schooler and older child than a 2 year old. Also any good links would be helpful. Thanks!


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