# 15 tr old got caught using his cell phone in school.



## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

the school took it away until the end of the school day. i think that is acceptable. it is their rule and they have this consequence. DH wants me to ground him at home too. i think it is uneccessary as he was already "punished".
this next part probably belongs in PaP but DH got mad bc he thinks i let DS walk all over me. thhen he says that i am not a "real parent" bc i dont want to parent the way he parents, which he calls the "right way". arrgh. so DH says what if he got into trouble for stealing something etc. and i said that would be different. that would require a bigger consequence. he says rules are rules and he broke the school rules and our rules and he should be punished at school and at home. i dont see the point. i also pointed out that being too strice causes rebellion. i feel like hitting my head on the wall. he was raised by absent parents who spent all their time either drinking or beating the kids for not cleaning the house while they were at the bar.


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## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

Well, in my house, getting in trouble at school also results in getting in trouble at home, so I do agree with your DH on that point.

This however

Quote:

thhen he says that i am not a "real parent" bc i dont want to parent the way he parents, which he calls the "right way".
would irk me off. I would never DARE tell my DH that he's not a "real parent."


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## angelpie545 (Feb 23, 2005)

I don't see the point in grounding him either, since he was already punished. I'm iffy about the "no cell phone" rules in school because of widely publicized cases of schools trampling parents and students' rights-unless the cell phone use was taking place during classroom time. That I have a problem with. Regardless, I wouldn't ground him for such a minor infraction. At this age, there are bigger fish to fry, IMO.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

In our house, there would be punishment as well as what the school handed out.

But not cool of your husband at all.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

I tend to agree with the OP, in that natural consequences are the best teachers.

However, as my insightful DS just pointed out....the kid wasn't really punished at school. What did he lose? He lost his cell phone until the END OF THE DAY. This is an item he isn't supposed to be using at school, anyway. So, by losing his phone for the few hours that he's not supposed to be using it, he really hasn't lost anything.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

so then what would you do?

and it really offended me what DH said. if he hadnt said that i prob would have been open to listening to him. but he started right in on me as soon as i told him i didnt want to take away his phone. he has that phine so that i can always get ahold of him (he walks his younger sister to school) in case of an emergency. he doesnt have the phone to make him popular. but to make it easy to contact him no matter what.


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## Amatullah0 (Apr 7, 2009)

can you block a feature on his phone that he uses? if he was texting at school, you could take that away. or, is it possible to block numbers other than your own from calling him? imo, these sound like very strict consequences considering the issue.

would it be possible for him to have to turn in his phone when he gets to school, to a teacher or principal, for, say, a week? it prevents in-school phone usage, and is somewhat humiliating(though not incredibly), and brings across the point, ok, you are using your phone in school, now we will have to make sure that you can't use your phone in school.

And I agree with everyone else, what your DH said to you is completely unacceptable.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Well, I agree with you, that it happened at the school and unless it involves theft or bullying or drugs or something major, the school can handle it. And even then, if it was something major, I might be worried and thinking about counseling instead of thinking about punishment. And yes it was a very minor penalty but then it was a pretty darn minor infraction too.

Your dh shouldn't have said that to you, and I certainly hope he didn't say that in front of any of your kids. You two might do well to come to an agreement about how to handle this stuff if it happens again. I agree with you but I don't honestly even know how my dh feels as this hasn't come up yet, so this will prompt a discussion with him. I don't know if there's necessarily a right or wrong (other than that he shouldn't talk to you like that) but you should ideally come to some sort of agreement.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Amatullah0* 
can you block a feature on his phone that he uses? if he was texting at school, you could take that away. or, is it possible to block numbers other than your own from calling him? imo, these sound like very strict consequences considering the issue.

would it be possible for him to have to turn in his phone when he gets to school, to a teacher or principal, for, say, a week? it prevents in-school phone usage, and is somewhat humiliating(though not incredibly), and brings across the point, ok, you are using your phone in school, now we will have to make sure that you can't use your phone in school.

And I agree with everyone else, what your DH said to you is completely unacceptable.










his phone is broke and he can only use the text feature anyway. i like the turn in to school idea. i just thought that he was punished once already. DH got mad bc he thinks that if it was DSD i would be all over her. which is not true. i treat all the kids according to their age and maturity level. DSD would have gotten nothing from me as the humiliation of it being taken away from her by the teacher would have been way more than enough. He always throws things like that in my face when i disagree with him on discipline. i dont want rebellious kids and he thinks that being hard on them will keep them out of prison


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## ImaSophie (Sep 5, 2010)

In my home if you get in trouble at school there is a consequence at home as well. I do think yu and your spouse are not on the same page at all when it comes to discipline and you two need to sit down and come to an agreement (this may mean compromising on both your parts) because it is very important for the kids to see you two are together on things.


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Personally I agree with you on this one, but the bigger issue is getting you and your husband on the same page about discipline and how the kids are treated -- if he really thinks you are unfair to his daughter, or if you both have wildly different expectations about what good discipline looks like, these are problems that need to get addressed.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

I don't think I'd do anything since he already faced the consequence at school. I guess I just can't think of anything logical, anyway. I would be talking to him about why it's not a good idea to be texting at school (besides the chance of getting caught), and that would likely be it. If it happened again, then I'd consider something stricter. I assume the school would also have a bigger consequence for subsequent offenses.

And, yeah - you and your DH need to talk about discipline/parenting together to come to an aggreance on how to approach these types of situations.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

I agree with you on this one, especially since you want your DS to carry a phone so you can contact him. Being too punitive does cause rebellion and sneakiness.

What your DH said to you was completely rude and disrespectful. We'd have a major issue in our house if my DH or I spoke to each other like that.


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## Mackenzie (Sep 26, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
I tend to agree with the OP, in that natural consequences are the best teachers.

However, as my insightful DS just pointed out....the kid wasn't really punished at school. What did he lose? He lost his cell phone until the END OF THE DAY. This is an item he isn't supposed to be using at school, anyway. So, by losing his phone for the few hours that he's not supposed to be using it, he really hasn't lost anything.

I agree with this posters wise DS... He has not really suffered any consequence...


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I have younger kids 9 & 5 but I would not punish your ds over this. It wasnt that big a deal really and unless it happens again I would just let it go.

I would not punish a child at home if they where punished at school (unless it was a fight started by my child or something otherwise really horrible). I dont think it would serve a purpose honestly other than getting in trouble twice for messing up once.


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## Chamomile Girl (Nov 4, 2008)

Look, I'm a high school teacher and I teach 15 and 16 years olds...and getting caught using your phone in class is not that big a deal. Happens all.the.time. What is a big deal is if that usage starts to become a habit and starts to impact a student's grades. If your DS has been caught doing this multiple times than having the school take the phone until the end of the day is not enough. If it was a first time offence than no home punishment needed.

Unfortunately the natural concequence in all this is to have grades suffer which many students do not care so much about. Or to have the relationship with the teacher suffer. Perhaps a better concequence than a random punishment at home would be to have a conference with the classroom teacher and reach a consensus (along with your DS) about what the appropriate next response should be. I think it is important to have DS be a part of the solution so that the concequence makes sense to him. In other words a punitive solution is going to seem really unfair and have no impact other than alienating your son in a situation like this.

Your husband is seriously out of line IMO. Your DS is the oldest yes? Your DH needs to take a crash course in pareting a teen apparently. What he is advocating smacks of a lack of respect both of you and of your son. This does nobody favors and is a power trip. Take it from one who has learned about teen psychology both in and out of the classroom...he is going about this in entirely the wrong way. Question: If your DS his DSS? If so there might be more going on here, as in jealousy or some such.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

I would:
Get my husband a copy of something like Love and Logic or Positive Discipline for Teens. (Love and Logic isn't my favorite, but it's a lot less punitive than your dh wants to be, and I think it is a decent approach for teens.)

Give then cell phone a 24 hr. time out at home.

Tell my child that if he uses it during school hours, it'll be gone for a week. (I don't buy the argument that kids need them so parents know where they are. I grew up in an era without cell phones. I still managed to do after school things and have my parents know where I was. And everyone else he knows will have their phone; in a pinch he can borrow theirs.)

CHECK the usage log every day for a week (you can probably do this online even). Then spot check every couple of days to make sure there aren't any messages being sent during school hours. If there are, the phone is confiscated for a couple of days.

I've never understood the logic of grounding a child. The logical consequence here is related to phone usage.


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## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

At my mom's school, they loose their phones for the semester. I actually think that is reasonable, because texting is a real nuisance. Every violation at her school in the last four years was texting-related.

I think violation of the school's rules should be acted upon at school and home. But I think your DH was way out of line in his comments about your parenting.


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## RoViMama (Nov 10, 2009)

Why was he using the phone?


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:

he has that phine so that i can always get ahold of him (he walks his younger sister to school) in case of an emergency.
I'd give the phone to the sister for the next week. You can still get in touch with them while walking to school. Make sure she turns it off when she gets to school. If an emergency happens while they're at school you can call the school directly.

He really wasn't punished by the school, he just got what should have happened in the first place(not using the phone during school time).


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## savithny (Oct 23, 2005)

We also have a consequence at home for things at school, generally something that fits the "crime."

In that case, I'd probably add additional limits to access to the phone at home. You let him take it to school because you trusted him to use it properly, and he didn't. In my house, the answer to that would be that (if I hadn't already) I would go sign up for the parental controls feature on my cell plan, and I would limit his ability to text and call during school hours. My plan lets us do that such that you can limit him to only texting specific people (You and his dad, for example).

That's assuming the actual infraction was relatively minor, but if my kid had a habit of rude texting behavior (texting at meals, texting while ignoring friends in the room, texting when the teacher was speaking) then I'd probably actually remove the phone for a longer period...

My DS disobeyed the knife safety rules at camp by trying to carve unsupervised during another activity. The camp let him come back but revoked all knife priveleges for the rest of his time at camp. I could have let his natural consequence (4 stitches in his hand) be his only consequence at home, but we also took the knife away at home because we both considered it a major breach of trust that he'd break a safety rule about knife-work.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

DSD is only 6 and doesnt even know how to use the phone in the first place. she would prob lose it within 5 min of it being given to here. she has a very short attention span at this age.

DS is DHs DSS. DS is 15 but has had DH as his SD since he was 8. the only father he has as bio dad isnt even in the picture.

DH was an unsupervised child and doesnt want DS to end up like he did. poorly educated, a stint in child prison for b&e, and working at minimum wage.

i really think we are together to balance each other out







but he doesn need more lessons on fighting fairly and disagreeing without fighting. :sigh

DS also has a 1/2 hour detention today after school for it. he does have a history of rude use. he has been told not to text while eating etc.

i have a panic attack every time he leaves the house without his phone. I NEED him to have it on him just to feel better. I diid try to "punish" him last night by telling him to turn off all his stuff (tv, laptops, and his video game) but everytime i checked on him to make sure he wasnt using it something was on. like facebook.

i guess i am unsure what to do with him.he is not completely rude. everyone says he is great. he is polite, helpful, mature, responsible, etc. He is at home too except with the phone, and sometimes with an attitude or rude words. i thought that was typical teen behavior. i just keep reminding him and reminding him to not be rude, to be polite. he is alot better than his peers. he is great with his sisters and an all around great kid. i know that grounding him etc does not work. i want his cooperation not his rebellion.


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## SophieAnn (Jun 26, 2007)

I know this is probably too late, but here's what I would do in this situation, taking into account that you want your son to have the cellphone for the walk to and from school is:

Since he can't follow rules at school about cellphone use during class then he can't have it during class. Make arrangements (for 1 week? 2 weeks?) with his teacher that he will hand in his cellphone in the morning and will receive his cellphone at the end of the school day.

After that, as long as he shows that he can resist the urge to use his cellphone during class, then he can continue to have it.

I'd also enforce a no-cellphone at the dinner table too. It's good practice for him for the future anyway - if a guy had his cellphone out during dinner on a date with me - there wouldn't be a 2nd date.


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

When you found he was disobeying your restrictions last night, what happened? IMO, he needs to lose access to whatever device it was he was using after you told him not to -- if it's a family computer, then you need a password-lock. If it was his own laptop, it needs to be removed from him. If he needs computer access to do his homework when he's on restriction, then let him use your computer but disconnest your network access so he can't go online. If it's the family TV, he needs to be out of that room -- if he has his own TV in his room, remove it. He should never be in a position where he's tempted to text while eating or has to be told not to, because his phone should never be at the table in the first place.

I really believe that access to personal technology for fun is a privilege, and that kids earn that privilege by not abusing it and by following family rules. If you can't do that, your parents need to remove the temptation until you can be more responsible. If you throw up your hands and decide that you "can't" enforce your family rules in this area, you're sending a message that he can sext, or create fake Facebook pages mocking classmates, or download things you really don't want on your computer. You're also sending a message that he has an unconditional right to use these things however, whenever he wants, without any interference from his parents -- I really believe that unconditional access is just too dangerous for minor kids.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

woah. now with the update i can understand why your dh made his remark. he was of course wrong to put it in that manner, but i can understand where he is coming from.

to me its obvious he is asking for stricter 'consequences'. just talking to him is not doing it.

it is not typical teenage behaviour to disobey you when you have grounded him. of course its typical human behaviour to break rules... i remember as a teen never having the nerve to disobey my parents when i was grounded. of course i was mad and thought it unfair... but i listened. by you not sticking to your guns you are telling him he can pretty much do what he wants. he doesnt need to really listen to you.

he is not listening to the school or to you. that is setting dangerous precedence.

why do you get panic attacks if he doesnt have his cell phone on him. does he have any medical issues?


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionessMom* 
DH was an unsupervised child and doesnt want DS to end up like he did. poorly educated, a stint in child prison for b&e, and working at minimum wage.

I would suggest you take parenting classes _together_ so that you can work this out. You need a united approach for your kids. He's too firm, you're too soft. right now it sounds like you're giving your kids the opportunity to play off each of you rather than balancing each other out.

Your fears aren't helping either. If you get panic attacks when he leaves the house without his phone, what are you teaching your kids? That the world is so scary that you can't ever be out of touch? That phones are essential to survival and I have a right to have one even if the rules at school are different? Have you talked to someone about your fears? Your making your son responsible for calming your fears, and that's not overly healthy.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionessMom* 
DS also has a 1/2 hour detention today after school for it. he does have a history of rude use. he has been told not to text while eating etc.

The phone needs a 'home' while he's at home. When it's time for dinner, _everyone's_ phone goes in its charger (or wherever) and stays there until dinner is done. You let the answering machine get it. I know adults who text during meetings, and it is RUDE. You need to teach him the good manners of not texting while he's supposed to be interacting with his family.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionessMom* 
I diid try to "punish" him last night by telling him to turn off all his stuff (tv, laptops, and his video game) but everytime i checked on him to make sure he wasnt using it something was on. like facebook.

Why did you try to punish him? What was your purpose in doing this? It's hard to make a punishment stick if you don't have a clear goal in mind. What was he supposed to learn?

I don't know what he was supposed to learn, but I do know that he did learn that he can ignore mom's 'punishments'. If you find yourself in a place where you can't enforce your rules, I think you either need to give up the rule (and be open about it) or as Thalia suggested, take away the technology. Technology is a privilege, not a right. It can be unplugged.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionessMom* 
i guess i am unsure what to do with him.he is not completely rude. everyone says he is great. he is polite, helpful, mature, responsible, etc. *He is at home too except with the phone,* and sometimes with an attitude or rude words. i thought that was typical teen behavior. i just keep reminding him and reminding him to not be rude, to be polite. he is alot better than his peers. he is great with his sisters and an all around great kid. i know that grounding him etc does not work. i want his cooperation not his rebellion.

It sounds like he's an overall good kid, but that the phone is becoming a problem. You need to find a way to restrict his phone usage so it's not rude (never at dinner or he loses it for the rest of the evening), and to get over your fear of letting him go out without the phone. It's not really fair to make the school babysit his phone because you're afraid.

Even good kids need boundaries. Even good kids need reminders to be polite. Even good kids can be asked to leave the room until they can speak civilly. Even good kids sometimes lose the privileges they've abused. It's how they learn.

But before he can learn, you and your husband need to decide what he needs to be taught and how best to teach him that. Until then, you're going to keep having these arguments. And you'll have them for each of the kids who are coming up, because they'll all be different and need boundaries at different places.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I must admit I am surprised by the responses. My 14 year old is going to be an adult in 4 years. It would never occur to me to get involved in that situation beyond talking with him, letting him vent his frustrations, empathizing, and helping him think about better choices in the future. I don't quite understand the rush to punish here?

I am in school too and professors ban cell phones in college as well. It is tempting for me to use it sometimes too. I don't, but it is tempting. Live and learn.

This is an issue he should handle on his own, IMO.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
I tend to agree with the OP, in that natural consequences are the best teachers.

However, as my insightful DS just pointed out....the kid wasn't really punished at school. What did he lose? He lost his cell phone until the END OF THE DAY. This is an item he isn't supposed to be using at school, anyway. So, by losing his phone for the few hours that he's not supposed to be using it, he really hasn't lost anything.

I kind of empathize with this, but then, it's his school and his responsibility. If their rules are poorly enforced, of course he's going to break them. To some extent, I would say, this is an issue between the young person and the school. My best lessons were learned from school-imposed consequences, not parent-imposed consequences.

That said... this doesn't sound like a consequence. That's the school's problem.

If it were me, I absolutely wouldn't have my teen have a phone paid for by me. Honestly, I think the odds of something happening to a 15-year-old boy on the way to school are minute, but the odds of his learning terrible study habits are very high. And that's going to have an impact on his life. I'd give him a whistle. If he's walking to school, and it's an EMERGENCY, he can ask a passerby for help. Or give him a beeper! LOL

As for a phone paid for by the child, my limits would be illegal or disrespectful use of it. Schoolwork is iffy.

In your place, I think that to take away the phone now would appear as an out-of-proportion consequence for what he did, though. So I'd more talk about phasing out what you are paying for (you must be paying for texting, right? fuggedaboudit!) with him, saying that you're not going to pay to ruin his study habits, but he's welcome to pay for it himself. Then give him some time (a month?) to work something out and figure out how he can pay for a plan that he wants. He needs to pay you back for the handset as well.

That's my 2 c. I am a hard-a**, though.

Oh, and if you want to limit facebook... unplug the Internet! He can have it back when he finishes ALL of his homework that doesn't require Internet research, which should be most of it. If you don't want him to use the video game, take it away. Now, I agree with Lynn that you need to know why you're taking it away, that it should be logical and have a real purpose, be a consequence and not an arbitrary punishment. But if you decide that there is a logical connection and you explain it to him, then just take it out of his room.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *heartmama* 
I must admit I am surprised by the responses. My 14 year old is going to be an adult in 4 years. It would never occur to me to get involved in that situation beyond talking with him, letting him vent his frustrations, empathizing, and helping him think about better choices in the future. I don't quite understand the rush to punish here?

I am in school too and professors ban cell phones in college as well. It is tempting for me to use it sometimes too. I don't, but it is tempting. Live and learn.

This is an issue he should handle on his own, IMO.

This is similar to my thoughts when I read the OP. I mean, he'll have to face the school's consequences, and that should be that, IMO. I'm also in college, and some instructors are more strict about cell phone usage than others. As an adult, it's my choice if I want to obey their 'rules' or risk getting kicked out or failing or whatever consequence they may impose (likely if it were a continued offense).

Even with my 9.5 yo - she did once get a warning about using her phone at school. She was on the playground and was using it to record the kids doing goofy things (with their consent). It wasn't the end of the world, and when she decides to take her phone to school now, she leaves it off and in her backpack until school is over. I know not all kids learn to follow the rules after a warning/1st time caught - but then, can't they just face the school/teacher's consequence?

Thinking of myself as a teenager - I recall getting my pager (







) taken away in highschool once. My mom picked it up for me in the office, and I was more careful not to wear it in a way that it was visible (wait, wasn't the main point of having one?







). If my mom had taken it away for a week or made up some artificial consequence at home, like extra chores or grounding, I can't see how that would have made me anything but resentful and frustrated. I doubt it would have impacted the decisions I made while away from home in school.


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Sure, there's legitimate disagreement about whether he should face any consequences at home -- and I came down on the side of "let the school handle it." But once he HAD mild consequences at home, I think it's far more serious that he felt free to ignore them, and his mother felt powerless to enforce them.


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## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
Sure, there's legitimate disagreement about whether he should face any consequences at home -- and I came down on the side of "let the school handle it." *But once he HAD mild consequences at home, I think it's far more serious that he felt free to ignore them, and his mother felt powerless to enforce them*.

I agree. The phone thing was not a big deal, and I would have left it up to the school to take care of it.

However, the no-texting while eating (if that's your rule) and his disobedience when you told him to get OFF the internet, THOSE are the big issues.

ETA: Personally, if I knew my child would struggle to avoid the temptation to text during school hours, where it was prohibited, I would not be setting him up for failure 5 days a week by sending a phone with him. If there's an emergency, you can call the school. Parents have been doing that forever!


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

There are a lot of posts here advocating punishment in addition to consequences, but it really depends on your philosophy. It sounds like your DH believes in punishment, but you don't think it's necessarily effective.

I think what happened at school was a logical consequence: if you use your phone at school it will be taken away until the end of the day. This was something that happened back in my day as well, even though we didn't have cell phones, and Walkman style portable cassette players were new techonology.







But basically anything that you brought from home that caused a distraction in the classroom might get taken away for the day.

I don't know why you would need something punitive to happen at home, but you might need another logical consequence, which for me would be something like not allowing him to take the cell phone to school. Or asking him the best way to help him not use the cell phone at school. If he says he thinks the rule is stupid and he's going to use the cell phone at school when he can, then he's not responsible enough to have one at this point, and you can go from there.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *2xy* 
I tend to agree with the OP, in that natural consequences are the best teachers.

However, as my insightful DS just pointed out....the kid wasn't really punished at school.

Well, I think the point is the school is not doing this to punish the child, the school is doing this because they don't want children using cell phones in class. So students caught using them get their phone taken away until the end of the day so that they can enforce this rule more easily. What he learns from that is that it isn't worth using the phone in school because it could get taken away, and maybe it's not worth taking it to school in the first place. However, I think most kids take them because there are times before or after school when they might need to use them, so they might not want to lose the privilege completely.

Whether he needs to be punished in addition to this is a different question. I don't think punishment would be anymore effective unless it was suitably terrible enough that even a small risk of getting caught would make him afraid to try. So I think he needs to be a part of deciding what he is and isn't capable of in regards to using the cell phone. I have an 11 year old daughter, and I can have these kinds of discussions with her, and there are times she realizes that something won't be a good idea because she knows how she will react. So she might leave something at home willingly after I discuss with her some possible consequences arising from her potential actions.

I might be being too literal, however. Do the consequences need to extend to the parents? I think they do, at least to the point of addressing the issue and hearing what the teen has to say about it.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

after all the repiles, i have come to this conclusion.

the consequence the school handed out was enough for what he got in trouble for. they took away his phone for the rest of the day, and he had a 30 min detention. this is the first time he got in trouble for it. the next time he will get a longer detention and phone removal. the next time is suspension. and so on and up.

and this one. i am continually too lenient according to my DH and need to be more consistant with DS about enforcing the rules.

and to a pp, he has 2 laptops. one he bought with his won money last year (he detassled for it) and one the school gave him (they gave one to every student in middle and high school). He earns his phone bill 2x over every day with how he helps me out around the house (i am disabled). so he earns it.

and i get paranoid about him being without his phone. the odds of anything happening to him or his sister is really low, except to those parents who had it happen. i dont want to be one of those parents who thought it could never happen to them and then it does. sorry. he knows how i feel and why. and he agrees. like the time his friend got hit by that car right in front of him and he had no way to call for help. he and his friend were lucky they were only 2 blocks from home and the driver actually called the ambulance. and iit was the drivers fault not the kid's. the boy was following all the bike riding rules etc.

DS does have a general "do what i want" attitude. but he does everything i ask of him 95% of the time. i cant bring myself to "bring down the law" on him, like DH wants, bc to me he is great. i dont want him to get rebellious bc i am being "mean" to him instead of enlisting his help.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Your husband's attitude would irk me.

For the most part, the first time the schools discipline would be enough but I would add the next time the school's discipline would not be the only thing happening. For us, the second time is when "If you get in trouble as school, you get in trouble at home," kicks in.

Sometimes you have to do things just once and get in a little trouble to figure things out.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JudiAU* 
At my mom's school, they loose their phones for the semester. I actually think that is reasonable, because texting is a real nuisance. Every violation at her school in the last four years was texting-related.

I think violation of the school's rules should be acted upon at school and home. But I think your DH was way out of line in his comments about your parenting.

If my dd's school kept her phone for a semester because she was using it in class, there would be hell to pay. Are they going to pay the monthly fee? Are they going to make sure I can contact her when I need her? Are they going to make sure she can contact me when she needs me? Both in and out of school for the last two, she has the phone for a number of reasons, her safety and reachability are just two.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

and to a pp, he has 2 laptops. one he bought with his won money last year (he detassled for it) and one the school gave him (they gave one to every student in middle and high school). He earns his phone bill 2x over every day with how he helps me out around the house (i am disabled). so he earns it.
Well that is great. It sounds like he's worked for these. So I guess we totally agree.









Quote:

and i get paranoid about him being without his phone. the odds of anything happening to him or his sister is really low, except to those parents who had it happen. i dont want to be one of those parents who thought it could never happen to them and then it does. sorry. he knows how i feel and why. and he agrees.
Okay, well, since we agree that your son is working for his phone rights, this is not really coming into play, but again, beepers! They still make those, you know. Or a phone plan without texting on it. If he's paying for the texting, that is another story, and you say he is pulling his weight. So that's fine. But if he were not, honestly, there are a lot of ways to keep a child connected without giving them enough texting credits to text all day and during meals.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionessMom* 
DS does have a general "do what i want" attitude. but he does everything i ask of him 95% of the time. i cant bring myself to "bring down the law" on him, like DH wants, bc to me he is great. i dont want him to get rebellious bc i am being "mean" to him instead of enlisting his help.

awwwww mama from what you write you have an AWESOME relationship with him







the kind i would like to have with mine when seh is your ss's age.

i really dont think you need to change anything.

listening 95% is showing love and respect towards you. yet its the 5% thats key. i think its wonderful that he sloughs off the 5%. for him that's totally age appropriate.

i think you provide a wonderful balance compared to your dh. i would not be too irked at him, because of the why he is the way he is. you continue to stand the ground you do and let him be strict for the both of you.

continue to do whatever you are doing. it obviously IS working. and i salute you for respecting him and allowing him to be a teen.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Unless he was using the phone to call you or dh, I would take the phone away for a period of time.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
awwwww mama from what you write you have an AWESOME relationship with him







the kind i would like to have with mine when seh is your ss's age.

i really dont think you need to change anything.

listening 95% is showing love and respect towards you. yet its the 5% thats key. i think its wonderful that he sloughs off the 5%. for him that's totally age appropriate.

i think you provide a wonderful balance compared to your dh. i would not be too irked at him, because of the why he is the way he is. you continue to stand the ground you do and let him be strict for the both of you.

continue to do whatever you are doing. it obviously IS working. and i salute you for respecting him and allowing him to be a teen.

thank you. i needed to hear that.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *phathui5* 
Unless he was using the phone to call you or dh, I would take the phone away for a period of time.

he was actually trying to text me about his chest pain he had been having lately. i did inform him that he should have went to the nurses office and then texted me or called me from there. he said "yeah, i wasnt thinking. it just hurt real bad right then."


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I don't think this needs an at home punishment, especially considering why he was using the phone. I'm sorry your dh is turning this into a power struggle though, that sucks.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

I think he needs an additional punishment at home. It should be directly related to what he did. You should take the cell phone away for a week.

Thing is, they took away a phone that he was not allowed to use at school anyway. You are letting him coast. You are, and I am only saying this in the kindest but truest ways, being "one of those parents" who refuses to discipline their children. Then when your child is 16, you will be posting about bigger things and it will get worse and worse. If you do not back the school up, the problems will just get worse and worse.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Really, you are going to advocate taking a cell phone away from a child that is having chest pains?


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

He sounds like a really good kid to me. I can't see getting all upset about something pretty small when his overall behavior is really good for his age.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionessMom* 
thank you. i needed to hear that.

he was actually trying to text me about his chest pain he had been having lately. i did inform him that he should have went to the nurses office and then texted me or called me from there. he said "yeah, i wasnt thinking. it just hurt real bad right then."

I just saw this. This can be very dangerous. Not sure if you've seen the doctor but he should. It's not normal at his age but he could have a heretofore undiagnosed heart condition. It might be nothing, it might be something. So I hope you can see a doctor SOON.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:

i dont want him to get rebellious bc i am being "mean" to him instead of enlisting his help.
He won't need to be rebellious if you let him walk all over you. Sure he helps out when you ask him to most of the time, but when you try to take away the computer & stuff he goes right back to it. That is the bigger concern than what happened at school with the cel phone.

Quote:

Really, you are going to advocate taking a cell phone away from a child that is having chest pains
If he had time to take his cel out & text her then he had time to raise his hand and ask to be excused to the nurse. While in school he does not NEED to have his phone. Outside of school if he's walking somewhere or at a friends yeah, but in school nope even if he's having chest pains.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

The kid was texting his mom, because he was having chest pains, that was why the phone was taken away at school.

This warrants punishment and claims the OP is letting him "walk all over her".


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## friskykitty (Jul 4, 2010)

Given why he was texting, I think he should have texted you. DH is being a hard ass and that is not acceptable. Continue to parent as you see fit. Sounds like you and DS have a great relationship. If ds hasn't seen a doc I would do that immediately.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Yeah, I agree frisky. I really don't see the need to be heavy handed when your child is reaching out to you in pain.


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## lookatreestar (Apr 14, 2008)

i agree it sounds like you are doing a good job, mama.

i wasnt a teen that long ago and my parents wouldn't have grounded or done any other punishment but i usually learned once i got things taken away from a teacher (phones, notes etc).

he sounds like a good kid









also i get kinda sick of sterotypes, my dh never even made it to middle school and he works a career he loves, makes good money and is more talented than most of the folks who go to school for his career. even if you are hard on your kids and do everything right, they are still their own person and will choose their own path.


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## MovnMama (Jul 3, 2009)

Just have to weigh in philosophically here, as I also teach high school and cell phones are a continual issue. I recently COMPLETELY changed my attitude about this and other discipline problems and have seen more respect going both directions. Here's the breakdown:

I negotiated what reasonable rules were in my classroom. WITH the understanding that the school has banned cell phone use in classrooms, we had a classroom discussion about the reality of cell phone use for most of the young adult population now, including 20's and 30's and up. And we discussed (they did, mostly I called on raised hands and listened) 1. as with any such item - for example, the same discipline issue of not paying attention can happen with a PEN and PAPER by doodling - people can use them respectfully and not respectfully. That the issue is not so much the item - cell phone or iPod - as it is general disrespectful behavior. And 2. grown ups use cell phones, AT WORK, respectfully all the time. And if they aren't respectful, natural consequences typically apply, like getting fired or other disciplinary action. For real, I know teachers my age (28), text during breaks at school, and employees my age who send me joke emails on company time. Also, my mother (60 yrs) texts me from her work occasionally - she's a big girl, she knows whats appropriate. The students and I both feel like, come on - people do this!

Okay, so the point is, students felt they were being unnecessarily "harassed" about cell phone usage at school. Oh - another REALLY GOOD POINT they had was frequently quick answers to things (dictionary, conversion charts, and other "apps") are located on their cell phones that are not a hindrance to working in the classroom. Again, another reason why they felt to take their phone out to look up the proper spelling of a word during work time SHOULD NOT become a detention-inducing cell phone infraction.

Some of their arguments were valid and some were iffy. We came to the conclusion that, if they were working, their grades were up, and they were not generally rude in class (if they were being a generally "good person") that having their phone on the table so they'd know what time their mom was coming to pick them up for lunch when she texted them, that was okay. Belligerent texting in class was not okay, and was rude, and if your grades were down and you had any cell phone distraction, I took it away for the day.

In the end, simply because I was an adult figure that was able to say to them "I trust you to behave as a responsible, respectful person" regarding the cell phone issue, I have had far fewer infractions than previous years. And they understand, should they breach my trust, there are consequences, which THEY agreed to when we negotiated them.

Respect in both directions has resulted in a more respectful classroom. Like I told them, I didn't become a teacher to be a "cell phone cop," and the blanket ban makes me more of a cop than a teacher. Also, the whole "when I was young I didn't need one" argument (which I admit, I have used!) smacks of "those gosh-darned kids and their confounded rock-and-roll music!"









Just my







!


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

I am in college and many of my classmates are 17-19 years old.

In my experience, the teachers who are firm but **reasonable** about things like attendance and cell phones have far fewer dramas and problems than the teachers who act like wardens and police the students with 'hardline' all-or-none rules.

All I can say is that although it surprises when people use punishments with small children, it surprises me even more when parents try to ground, revoke privileges, or what have you with 15/16 year old young people. Where do you go from there? What happens in 24 months? I am asking seriously, because I have a 14 year old. Punishment of any kind would be a last possible resort--I try very hard to get him to use his brain, to connect, to engage, to consider what he can do in terms of self discipline to correct a situation. I see myself as his support, his source of wisdom based on experience. I am constantly trying to get him to think about himself in terms of society, not just in terms of his family. Unless we are talking about a young person who is totally out of control--I sincerely don't grasp what purpose punishment-at-home serves to fix actions-out-in-the-world. Shouldn't I be helping my young person learn how to handle the real world?

And on a related note, raising a teenager, I have come to realize that it is a serious pitfall to expect my son not to make mistakes. So I try hard to hold in my head the fact that he needs room to make mistakes without the distraction of *me*. I don't know if that makes sense? I need to actively remember NOT to insert myself into his life the second he shows a lapse in judgment. Sure, I can see the better choice, I can rush in and get all up in his business over it. I could. But then, where is he in all of that? Because he is not me. And I won't be there in a few years. And I'd like to get to know who he is while he is still safely at home. He needs my support and he needs my guidance because he is not fully grown. But he is so close to grown up, that while the car is still in the proverbial driveway, he needs to not have me snatching the wheel out of his hands every time he swerves. I need to just sit next to him, and keep letting him practice NOW, while this is still a dry run. I do not want to have him reach 18, take off while I stand in the dust, and have THAT be the first time in his life he gets to make his own mistakes.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

I really don't see the need to be heavy handed when your child is reaching out to you in pain.
Shouldn't a child in this situation be seeing a medical professional?!? I mean, I'm not one here advocating additional punishment. That's HIS environment.

But I know someone who's brother just died at age 28 from an aneurism.

You don't need a PHONE in that situation. You need a DOCTOR. You demand--DEMAND, drive from hospital to hospital--an EKG.

Mama, I said my piece about phones. I agree with your decision not to punish and it sounds like your child is earning his phone. But.

This young man needs medical help. He can leave the school grounds and call if he's having chest pains. Seriously.

If you don't think it's that serious, he doesn't need to text you. Cell phones are a medium, not an answer. Your answer is that your child needs to see a doctor. There are a lot of ways to make that happen.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

Ds had been seen by a doctor a week prior. it was diagnosed as an immfalmation of the connective tissue by hiis ribs. she said all he can do iis take it easy and take some anti immflamatory naproxen. they had drawn blood and ran tests and couldnt find any other reason for his pain.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Okay, but still, I don't see that as a reason for him to be texting. He needs to take time off school in that case, or to see the nurse, you know? Did he have an EKG? Do you have insurance? I'm glad he's seeing a doctor, that's good.

I guess I see phones as a tool, not an answer to this or almost any other problem. So again, I am not suggesting "therefore punish", but I don't think that this is something that excuses breaking the rules.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EdnaMarie* 
Okay, but still, I don't see that as a reason for him to be texting. He needs to take time off school in that case, or to see the nurse, you know? Did he have an EKG? Do you have insurance? I'm glad he's seeing a doctor, that's good.

i would imagine this is all new for him. and he is scared. so he calls mommy. awww. that is sooo special.

so him texting mom is v. reasonable to me. once he gets things under control i am sure he will go to the office or mom can guide him what to do. i guess this is all a learning process for everyone.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

yeah he had an ekg and stuff. he agreed that he should have just gone to the nurse as it wasnt an emergency, and if it had been an ermergency, he should have alerted the teacher.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Okay that's good. Sorry, my friend's younger brother just passed, so I was all worried and paranoid. I hope he feels better soon!

Quote:

so him texting mom is v. reasonable to me.
He's fifteen. It's a rule. Deal. Yes, he is nervous, but he can ask to be excused to take a rest. If it's that bad, either don't go to school, or take a "time out" to rest, or go to the nurse. If it's not, then sit there.

I really do empathize with this young man but I also think he needs to learn that the phone is not an answer to that kind of problem, and that there are rarely true reasons to break these rules. It sounds like his mom and he already decided that.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:

The kid was texting his mom, because he was having chest pains, that was why the phone was taken away at school.

This warrants punishment and claims the OP is letting him "walk all over her".
Her son is walking all over her when she takes stuff(internet, computer) away from him & he just goes & does it anyhow. It wasn't because the school took the phone away for the day.

Quote:

2. grown ups use cell phones, AT WORK, respectfully all the time. And if they aren't respectful, natural consequences typically apply, like getting fired or other disciplinary action. For real, I know teachers my age (28), text during breaks at school, and employees my age who send me joke emails on company time
do they use them during meetings? class time is like a meeting. texting during break time is fine, but this kid wasn't doing that either. He was texting during an inappropriate time & got caught.

Quote:

Oh - another REALLY GOOD POINT they had was frequently quick answers to things (dictionary, conversion charts, and other "apps") are located on their cell phones that are not a hindrance to working in the classroom.
but is that the only way they can look those things up? It may be faster for them & more convenient but it's not the only way.

Cel phones banned during school time is because of harrassment & inappropriate use. Sure there are arguments why it should be okay but in most schools they're banned for the protection of the other students.

Quote:

I do not want to have him reach 18, take off while I stand in the dust, and have THAT be the first time in his life he gets to make his own mistakes.
most people don't want kids who turn 18 move out & have no knowledge of how the real world works, but that's why as parents we take these experiences as teaching moments on responsibility & how actions have consequences(that we may not like or agree with)


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## MovnMama (Jul 3, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CarrieMF* 

do they use them during meetings? class time is like a meeting. texting during break time is fine, but this kid wasn't doing that either. He was texting during an inappropriate time & got caught.

Yes, sometimes they do. And sometimes it's rude - other times not. It really depends on the environment and social acceptability policy of the business and/or corporation. I guess what I'm trying to get through is that the *phone* in and of itself is not the issue. Inappropriate behavior is.

And, class time is not necessarily like a meeting. If a class is run with a full 50+ minutes of lecture, data and statistics show that 70% or more of students have tuned out after 15 minutes. Classes like this are typically not reaching a variety of learning styles, only audio learners. Most classes (like mine) include a significant portion of work time, either independent or in groups. Just like in the world, you shouldn't text when your boss is talking directly to you, but if you are at the computer, doing your thing and getting all your tasks done and done well, who are you harming?

Not that any of this applies directly to the OP's situation, because the assumption is that if the teacher took the phone away, then it was being used inappropriately. However, many teachers just take phones away for their *existence* in the classroom (technically the rule is... if I see it, I have to take it, no questions. Kind of harsh, IMO).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CarrieMF* 
but is that the only way they can look those things up? It may be faster for them & more convenient but it's not the only way.

Certainly it's not the only way things can be looked up. It's a generational thing. Do some people listen to records instead of MP3 files, simply because it's a different, or more original, way to hear the music? What about the quality of the music? Excuse the analogy, but really, my dictionaries in my room are from the early 90's. And there are literally *thousands* of new words entering the English lexicon every year.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CarrieMF* 
Cel phones banned during school time is because of harrassment & inappropriate use. Sure there are arguments why it should be okay but in most schools they're banned for the protection of the other students.

At my school, cell phones are banned as a distraction. Harassment and inappropriate behavior occur with or without cell phones. Can the administration also ban a bully's fists? Sure, it's called suspension. Does that fix the bully's harassment issue? Probably not. He just gets out of school, where he most likely didn't want to be in the first place.

To me, all these issues once again point to dealing with inappropriate behavior, not cell phone use in general. And once again, typical of a GD philosophy, outright banning any type of behavior is usually not going to get the job done and it will likely build animosity at the same time.

Believe me, I'm not advocating that people use their cell phones all the time either. Our family has one phone that we share - I'm not the person texting while driving, or checking my email during meetings. But I would rather, as a parent and teacher, focus on the behavior and not the surface incident.


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## heartmama (Nov 27, 2001)

Quote:

most people don't want kids who turn 18 move out & have no knowledge of how the real world works, but that's why as parents we take these experiences as teaching moments on responsibility & how actions have consequences(that we may not like or agree with)
But I think parents undermine their own desire to foster a teen's self discipline in response to real world consequences by adding their own punishments in these types of situations. That sends the message 'You aren't capable of learning lessons in the real world; you need my enforced consequences in order to function successfully". For issues this small, I find that really concerning. I am mainly addressing the initial volume of replies that advocated punishment in this scenario.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EdnaMarie* 
He's fifteen. It's a rule. Deal. Yes, he is nervous, but he can ask to be excused to take a rest. If it's that bad, either don't go to school, or take a "time out" to rest, or go to the nurse. If it's not, then sit there.

I really do empathize with this young man but I also think he needs to learn that the phone is not an answer to that kind of problem, and that there are rarely true reasons to break these rules. It sounds like his mom and he already decided that.

i agree with you in general...

BUT...

in this instance i am thinking he probably has been freaked out by the docs. its all new to him. he gets the chest pain and hits the panic button.

yes he shouldnt have. but if he felt scared worrying if he was going to die or have a heart attack, this call (dont know about the others) might have been reasonable. the nurse might have been the best choice but i was wondering if he was needing emotional support or he wanted to talk to someone who knew what was going on.

my dd has anxiety. until she learns to control herself, in future OPs ss could have been my dd.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *CarrieMF* 
Her son is walking all over her when she takes stuff(internet, computer) away from him & he just goes & does it anyhow. It wasn't because the school took the phone away for the day.

do they use them during meetings? class time is like a meeting. texting during break time is fine, but this kid wasn't doing that either. He was texting during an inappropriate time & got caught.

but is that the only way they can look those things up? It may be faster for them & more convenient but it's not the only way.

Cel phones banned during school time is because of harrassment & inappropriate use. Sure there are arguments why it should be okay but in most schools they're banned for the protection of the other students.

most people don't want kids who turn 18 move out & have no knowledge of how the real world works, but that's why as parents we take these experiences as teaching moments on responsibility & how actions have consequences(that we may not like or agree with)

Since you quoted me, I'll respond.

IIRC you are a teacher in some capacity? I'm an unschooler. I really don't care about the schools rules regarding cell phone use, especially not when we are talking about a kid texting his mom over a medical issue. The harassment argument isn't applicable here. And school is hardly the real world but if it was the school already did their natural consequence. I get a real no tolerance vibe from you on this so I think we just have to agree to disagree because we clearly have very different parenting philosophies.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionessMom* 
DS does have a general "do what i want" attitude. but he does everything i ask of him 95% of the time. i cant bring myself to "bring down the law" on him, like DH wants, bc to me he is great. i dont want him to get rebellious bc i am being "mean" to him instead of enlisting his help.

I think the major problem is the fact that your dh has a very different idea about what it means to parent a teen than you do.

From what you posted, your teen generally helpful and kind. He usually follows the rules. He did something somewhat ill-advised (texting you during class rather than going to the school nurse), got caught and has suffered the school consequences. What more is there for him to suffer? Why does your dh want you to 'bring down the law' about something so relatively minor?

I think it's time for a serious discussion with your husband about his fears. What is he afraid of? What behaviors is he seeing that he's worried about?

I was listening to a conversation my dh was having with a friend of ours yesterday. She's got a teenager and they were talking about what works to motivate teenagers. My dh's point was that approaches that are designed to evoke fear in teenagers rarely work. Approaches that are based on love and helping the teen to make reasonable decisions usually do. (Can I just say that I love my husband!) That's true whether it's driver's ed or substance abuse or sex ed or whatever it is. If your job is to make the child fear the consequences, what you'll probably achieve are kids who are really good at hiding things to avoid the consequences. On the other hand, approaches that are 'loved based' do work. Personally, I think parents of a teen need the mantra: "I love you and I'm concerned for you. What are you doing to keep safe?" followed by "What were you thinking when you did this? What would be another way?"

Parenting a teen is an exercise in giving up control. It's sounds like your dh is very afraid of your son being out of control. How can you set reasonable limits together? Ones that are respectful of your ds and everyone in the family? Ones that help him learn?


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Chamomile Girl* 
Look, I'm a high school teacher and I teach 15 and 16 years olds...and getting caught using your phone in class is not that big a deal. Happens all.the.time. What is a big deal is if that usage starts to become a habit and starts to impact a student's grades. If your DS has been caught doing this multiple times than having the school take the phone until the end of the day is not enough. If it was a first time offence than no home punishment needed.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LynnS6* 
Why does your dh want you to 'bring down the law' about something so relatively minor?

Parenting a teen is an exercise in giving up control. It's sounds like your dh is very afraid of your son being out of control. How can you set reasonable limits together? Ones that are respectful of your ds and everyone in the family? Ones that help him learn?


mdc keeps eating my posts today.

DH had a rough childhood. he teels me that his mom and step dad were either at their 2 jobs or drinking at the bar. and when they got home they would wake the boys and beat them if they didnt have the house clean. he says sometimes he only ate bc the school served free hot lunch. he tells me stories of eating cereal with kool aid and ketchup sandwiches. he ended up in juvenile bc he was breaking and entering wiith his brothers and stealing stuff out of peoples garages. i think he is trying to make up for his parents absence. he really cares about his kids and doesnt want them to be like he was. he thinks that letting them get away with a little sets them up for a lot. i keep telling him they ahve something he didnt. me. and him. involved. i get so sad hearing about his childhood. he had it rough. he has been working since he was 15. he was homeless for awhile bc he wouldnt live at home anymore. he was living under a bridge for a year, in peoples basemements. etc. so that might explain something. he has unresolved resentment towards his parents. he never knew his bio dad or even who he was. his mom says she was so drunk she cant even remember if she asked him his name


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

This seems so common, for people who acted up as teens to become harsher disciplinarians because they're afraid that their kids will also act up if they aren't. But ironically, it seems like most of these people say things like what your dh says, that their parents were either very harsh (beat up for the house not being clean enough) or were very inconsistent (sometimes beat up sometimes ignored) or the parents were absent, either physically or do to drug/alcohol abuse/some other similar issue. Involved gentle parents are rarely behind these stories. Not never, I'm sure, but there does seem to be a pattern.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
This seems so common, for people who acted up as teens to become harsher disciplinarians because they're afraid that their kids will also act up if they aren't. But ironically, it seems like most of these people say things like what your dh says, that their parents were either very harsh (beat up for the house not being clean enough) or were very inconsistent (sometimes beat up sometimes ignored) or the parents were absent, either physically or do to drug/alcohol abuse/some other similar issue. Involved gentle parents are rarely behind these stories. Not never, I'm sure, but there does seem to be a pattern.


that is what i keep trying to tell him.


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## mom2happy (Sep 19, 2009)

I just want to say that your son was embarrased enough at school.
I would have done the same as you.
My DH would have done the same as yours did.
We are in the same boat except my kids are younger.

The only thing my DH wouldnt do is say the words "real parent"
He knows I would flip out. My whole life is raising these kids. Whether or not we agree all the time is totally different than insulting the most important job a mother has.
I would need to sort that out with your DH in a nice way, like, he better not say that.
Your DS sounds like a good boy.


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## plantnerd (Aug 20, 2010)

Am I the only one who would suspect the "I was trying to text you about chest pain" excuse as a lie? I mean, he's 15, if that would work to make you go "awwww" instead of "what the hell were you doing on the phone in school?" why wouldn't he try it?

I guess I would ask to see the text... And no more phone at school. Who do you need to call? All of your friends are already there, and if there's an emergency use a landline, they do still have those.


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mom2happy* 
I just want to say that your son was embarrased enough at school.
I would have done the same as you.
My DH would have done the same as yours did.
We are in the same boat except my kids are younger.

The only thing my DH wouldnt do is say the words "real parent"
He knows I would flip out. My whole life is raising these kids. Whether or not we agree all the time is totally different than insulting the most important job a mother has.
I would need to sort that out with your DH in a nice way, like, he better not say that.
Your DS sounds like a good boy.

thanks, my DH has the tendency to say things like that when we fight bc he knows it hurts my feelings. but that is a matter for another post.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *plantnerd* 
Am I the only one who would suspect the "I was trying to text you about chest pain" excuse as a lie? I mean, he's 15, if that would work to make you go "awwww" instead of "what the hell were you doing on the phone in school?" why wouldn't he try it?

I guess I would ask to see the text... And no more phone at school. Who do you need to call? All of your friends are already there, and if there's an emergency use a landline, they do still have those.

i though it could be al ie so i did ask to see it. there was one to me saved in his drafts, but drafts dont save the time they were created so he could have created it right after i asked him to see it. but whatever. i still think that he got the point from the school. if it happens again i will take things further and take his phone away for awhile. he seems to have learned his lesson though.


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## Melanie_7773 (Mar 22, 2007)

Just thought this article in today's Globe and Mail was interesting in the context of this thread.

Oh, and FTR to the OP, I'm one of those in the camp that using the phone in class is a sufficiently minor issue to let the school handle it. If it were my kid he would have gotten a conversation about why it was a bad idea and, depending on my mood, maybe something to the effect of "I don't expect to hear about it happening again". End of story.

Also regarding the attempted at-home punishment after the fact, my take was that it was imposed half-heartedly because the OP herself didn't really feel it was warranted and was only doing it because other people (her husband and most of the early posters in this thread) told her she should. Under those circumstances I'm not surprised it didn't "stick". While I think half-hearted attempts at punishment are probably ill-advised, I wouldn't necessarily take it as an indication that there's a serious discipline or respect issue at play. The OP will know if it's a more worrisome issue for her.


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