# Full-term Babylost: 8.31.11



## KirstenO (Apr 22, 2011)

4 years ago we started trying to make a baby. After fertility tests (but no intervention) we discovered we had a very minimal chance of succeeding, so we stopped trying.

November of 2010 my much loved grandmother died. 2 weeks later my miracle baby came into existence. Maybe, "my grandmother pulled some strings" I liked to say.

It was a long and exhausting pregnancy. I was eating non-stop. I couldn't seem to get enough protein or any sleep. My bony self went from 116lbs to 160lbs. My work week was shortened to about 10 hours. It was such a hot summer that my regular walks became impossible. Braxton-Hicks were frequent.

My husband dreamed early on that we had twins on the way. At 28 weeks my midwife recommended an ultrasound as twins did, indeed, seem like a possibility. The scan showed we had one big healthy baby in the 75th percentile for size.

She would have been born at home, but we had reason to transfer to the hospital, so we did. They said everything looked good. I could proceed to birth my Baby, pain-killer free. No c-section needed. My birth partners were amazing (husband, sister, & midwife). Hypnobabies played in the background. Despite the Hypnobabies there was pain, but with Hypnobabies I managed it.

Perhaps 15 minutes before she was born they lost her strong heartbeat. I believe they switched to a new monitor. With her head partially out they said they need to put the electrode monitor on her (this was our only warning). Before the nurse could walk across the room I pushed Baby out. She never breathed. They tried to resuscitate her and they did get a heart rate of 30. We named her in those 22 minutes then asked to hold her so she would die with us. Of her whole existence only those 22 minutes was she not in my belly or in my arms. Just before her heart stopped she squeezed my husbands finger. (Believe it or not, my sister got a stunning picture of this.) I often told Baby that I was looking forward to seeing her daddy hold her, her lifelessness and the anguish on his face was not part of the image I expected.

49 days after she was born I had bleeding and cramping. I passed what looked like a 5 week old embryo. There was no possibility of my having become pregnant in those 49 days. It seems our sweet Baby may actually have had a twin.

Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since my daughter died and 2 days since my "dearest darling" grandfather died. Three dear ones lost in a year.

I am grateful that: the weather is good today; my husband is so strong; and that we have such supportive family and friends.

I am sad that: our arms are empty: our beautiful Baby Girl is gone; we will never know her favorite color; and that I am posting on Mothering but I have no Baby.


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## LillyLulu (Oct 27, 2011)

Kirsten, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for the losses that you had to endure this year. I cannot even imagine the pain you have been through. I am deeply sorry.


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## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you got as much time as you wanted with her after she was earthside.


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## stellabluz (May 24, 2006)

Could not read and not post. I am so sorry for your losses. You are a mother and my heart goes out to you, may you find peace and love deep in your soul.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

It is hard to find any words that seem appropriate. My heart aches for you and your little ones.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I am so sorry that your precious babe isn't safe in your arms.


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## MegEliz (Feb 21, 2011)

Oh kristen - My heart is just weeping for you and your family . I am so deeply sorry for your loss.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

I'm so sorry. This just breaks my heart.


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## hazelmama (Nov 2, 2004)

My heart aches for you and your family. I am so for your loss.


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## KirstenO (Apr 22, 2011)

Funny, my whole pregnancy I just followed everyone's Belly Pictures on the Aug/Sept DDCs. I never posted my own pictures.

My only post was to say, briefly, that I was planing a homebirth.

The post I made here was one that I had written multiple times but never submitted, until yesterday.

Why am I posting now but not while she was here? Grief is strange.

I still go to the Aug./Sept. Groups and see what my Baby Girl might be doing now....

-------------

In my grandfather's obituary there is the list of his family, I got angry when my daughter's name wasn't there. Then I realized I was looking at the "alive" list. She was in the "preceded in death" list....what a horrid moment.

When I talked to my grandfather for the last time (a week before he died) he told me "your daughter is over here taking such good care of me!". It was, in fact, my mother who was taking care of him, but maybe so was my daughter.

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LillyLuLu - I too am sorry for your recent loss. May you have restful nights, and peaceful days.

SageWinna - You have had so many lost! So sorry. (My mom had 6 miscarriages out of 13 pregnancies.)

We held her for about 45 minutes. Her heart had stopped for only the last 15-20 minutes. I wish we held her for longer, but we were in shock and didn't know what to do, and it was the middle of the night. The whole next day we didn't see her, we had told her goodbye. The day after that we did ask to see her one last time before we left the hospital. It was horrible, she was definitely not my beautiful Baby anymore. I didn't hold her for long, but I did get to see my husband hold her one last time, and I took a picture of her that (despite how long she had been gone) came out really great. It was the picture we printed for people to take at the funeral.

StellaBluz - Thank you. I wish I felt like a mother. I feel like I failed her. I take full responsibility for what happened...and I feel like I should have known what would have been best for her. I hope she wasn't in pain.

Lollie, MegEliz, Matushka - I am so sad you have all suffered such losses too. Peace to you.

Expat - So sorry you lost your little boy. How are you coping 2+ years out?

Hazel Mama - Thank you.

*Thank you all for the kind words. I appreciate the sympathy. *

*Tomorrow I fly South to my grandfather's funeral surrounded by everyone's kindness. *


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## music.mama.pdx (Jul 14, 2010)

My heart aches for you and your family. I am so, so sorry your babe is not with you, as she should be.


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## Wendlynnn (Oct 14, 2009)

I am so, so sorry for your loss. sending healing prayers your way.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Always remembering your beautiful baby.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.







If you ever want to share the name and picture of your beautiful daughter we would love to see them. Just because you didn't get to bring your daughter home does not mean you aren't a proud mother. I always wanted to show my dd's picture but always felt awkward sharing with most of my irl friends.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Just to let you all know, there is a baby photo gallery on the TTCAL thread for those of us who want to post pictures of our children no matter what the gestation. Many women have done so and it has been a privelige to see such beautiful babies. Here is the link: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1327960/baby-picture-gallery


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

Oh, my gosh, mama. There are no words for your story. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## KirstenO (Apr 22, 2011)

Mira Joy O.

8.31.11

Mira - from Miracle

Joy - for my Grandmother Joyce


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## ekandrmkb (Mar 1, 2011)

KirstenO - I don't come often to the main Loss board as much as I used to, because it can be honestly hard for me.

But I could not NOT post.

You and I went through almost the exact same thing. I lost my second son in February 2011. His heart stopped as well in the last 5-10 minutes of labor. He never breathed on his own or had a heartbeat on his own. I know so well your agony, and I'm so, so sorry. The months afterward have been the hardest of my life.

If you feel the need to talk, please feel free to PM me.


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## ekandrmkb (Mar 1, 2011)

I also meant to say, Mira Joy is a beautiful name. Thanks so much for sharing her picture.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

She is just beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing her picture.


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## lollie2357 (Feb 18, 2008)

She is absolutely beautiful, and such a beautiful name. Thanks for sharing.


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## loveandlight33 (Dec 14, 2004)

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. She is beautiful.








Mira Joy


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

She is beautiful. I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl ((HUGS))


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## KirstenO (Apr 22, 2011)

Thank you all for thinking of us.

For all of you who have also suffered losses, may you also find comfort.

It's a weird thing this loss. I don't want to have the hole, the hole that she left, but to not have it means to not have had her.

And I don't want that either.

To try so hard to keep your loved one safe and healthy...it feels like failure. I can't control life, no matter how well I eat, or how relaxed I am.

I just wish she would have stayed.

Her whole life was love and good food.

Thanksgiving wasn't so bad...despite being the 1 year anniversary of my grandmother's death. It was just my husband & I, so it didn't seem like a holiday. Christmas might be a different story.

If you too are sad I hope you find JOY.


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## m42shell (Nov 29, 2011)

Kristen, Michelle from Glow. I just had to read your story and see your beautiful girl. She is lovely. I'm so sorry you weren't able to keep her. I can't imagine your difficult loss. Well I can imagine, but all the same, such an unfair hand you've been delt. I love how strong you are working to be. Just that you are trying and looking for the gifts that Mira gave you. Your attitude is inspiring. What a beautiful name and from reading through your posts what an amazing Mom. Take care Kristen.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

Kristen,

I don't visit Mothering very much anymore but I'm glad you gave me this link so that I could come and share your story and meet Mira. She is so very, very beautiful and I am sorry that she is not in your arms where she belongs. Much love and light and peace to you on this path.


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## Suzanne Gould (Dec 1, 2011)

Oh, Kirsten,

Mira is so beautiful and precious. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Suzanne


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## KirstenO (Apr 22, 2011)

Michelle - Thanks for being in touch. I don't like that we are both missing our sweeties, but it's nice to not be alone.

Jill - Thanks for reading about my Mira. I'm sorry you are missing your Emma.

Suzanne - Do you post on glow? I agree, Mira is beautiful - thanks! =)

I hope you are all well.

Peace to you all, especially this time of year!


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## Chloe'sMama (Oct 14, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## anella (Jan 25, 2012)

Kirsten

Eva's mama here from Glow. Mira is gorgeous, just gorgeous. Thank you for sharing her story with us. Sending you love.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

She's beautiful, Kirsten.


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## Tenk (Oct 6, 2006)

What a sweet beautiful baby girl, Mira Joy, thank you for sharing her picture.

DH won't let me share pictures of Kamryn, he feels they are too personal, I understand, she's his daughter too. We don't have photos of sweet Oliver.

I hope your doing ok today, from my first daughter's passing I learned that it did get easier to face the day (for me at least) and I hate that I'm here again, but it's what we do. I found this poem yesterday and my husband said it was depressing but it's so real. I'll share it with you, but if you would like me to delete it I will.

*They are ugly shoes.*

*Uncomfortable shoes.*

*... I hate my shoes.*

*Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.*

*Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.*

*Yet, I continue to wear them.*

*I get funny looks wearing these shoes.*

*They are looks of sympathy.*

*I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and*

*not theirs.*

*They never talk about my shoes.*

*To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.*

*To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.*

*But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.*

*I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.*

*There are many pairs in this world.*

*Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.*

*Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as*

*much.*

*Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they*

*think about how much they hurt.*

*No woman deserves to wear these shoes.*

*Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.*

*These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.*

*They have made me who I am.*

*I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.*

I wanted to add, I'm so very sorry that you have to be here, I wish you didn't have to be. Great big giant (((HUGS))) coming your way!!


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

Good poem, Tenk. Yes, it may look depressing to some, but it's very real. That's how it feels. Only those who have lost a child have any idea what it feels like to wear those shoes. [Tenk, if you ever want to share them but not publicly, I'd be honored to see them. I felt a need to be able to share the pictures of my boys. I understand if you don't want to though.]


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

She was beautiful!

I am so sorry-- there are no words
and yet there are not enough words!


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## KirstenO (Apr 22, 2011)

Thank you all for reading about Mira & looking at her picture. We all have so much pain, I know it's tough to hear about others losses as well.

Tenk, thanks for sharing the poem. Some days I would like to change my shoes, but I wouldn't change my Birke's for stilettos.

Yesterday a strange thing happened. I was at a store...the topic of the weather last winter came up.

The woman said something about my being young (younger than she was) and how I could go out in last years bad weather.

I actually didn't get out due to illness. (I thought that was the end of the subject....)

What illness did you have?

Really bad morning sickness.

You recently had a baby?

Yes.

What did you have?

A girl.

I showed her the picture.

I she a round baby?

My husband has round cheeks.

I love round babies.

Yes, she's a cutie. Well, have a good day.

She had no idea. It was as if she was still here. Sitting up....or doing whatever a 5 month old would do.

Have a peaceful and happy day. Thank you all for your kindness.


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## Tenk (Oct 6, 2006)

M.Anna, I didn't actually write the poem, I forgot to copy/paste the ~Author Unknown part at the bottom but it is all too familiar and I thought everyone here might understand.

Kirsten, I'm not sure how I would have handled that. You did a great job though, something I've never experienced since I don't carry Kamryn's pictures and don't have Oliver's. But Mira looks beautiful in the photo so I can see how she would think that! Kamryn's pictures, well she doesn't look alive, very splotchy skin and blood red lips, blisters on her body, and I think showing them to someone might make them feel weird.


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## KirstenO (Apr 22, 2011)

Mira still had a heartbeat when that picture was taken.

I'm sorry about your sweet little Kamryn! I'm sorry she is gone. I'm sorry....

Oh.........did you just lose Oliver this month!?!?!?! Oi.....so sorry! 2 lost babies. I can't imagine. Peace. Recovery.


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## Tenk (Oct 6, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KirstenO*
> 
> Mira still had a heartbeat when that picture was taken.
> 
> ...


No worries mama, I don't expect anyone to keep up with me. Kamryn was stillborn in 2006, Oliver was stillborn last week. My heart aches for you and me and everyone else that's had to walk in our shoes or ever will walk in them. Such a tragic loss for us all. I wish I had known Mira, thank you again for sharing her photo with us.


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## KirstenO (Apr 22, 2011)

Oh Tenk. I'm sorry.

Thanks for thinking of me & my Mira...especially during a time when Oliver's loss is so new.

Your mommy loves you Kamryn.

Your mommy loves you Oliver.


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## Tenk (Oct 6, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *KirstenO*
> 
> Oh Tenk. I'm sorry.
> 
> ...


Thank you!


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

How are you, Kirsten?


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## Cativari (Mar 26, 2007)

I've been thinking of you too. How are you?


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## Heather Lyn (Apr 26, 2010)

Saw Kirsten's post in another thread about homebirth transfers. My thoughts are with you, Kirsten. Your daughter is beautiful.


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## KirstenO (Apr 22, 2011)

Thanks Heather. I'm sorry your birth didn't go as you would have liked either. I do have to say the actual labor part of mine did go really well. I was only in active labor for 7-8 hours. The hospital was impressed with my pain-killer free birthing, and my birth team.

- I'm happy that despite not having the home birth you wanted the ending was happy.

- Basically we can make as many plans as we want, but they are just that, plans, not reality. Someday I think I will be relieved to know that I can't control my life....

Cativari & Megan - I'm ok. Thanks for asking. The past 2 days were the 5 month "anniversary"....

- I don't know if I mentioned it here but I started taking Saint John's Wort, and 3 weeks after starting it, and 4.5 months after she died, I went for an entire day without crying.....what a relief!

-Also, we have had a puppy for a month now. There was a lot of post-partum anxiety for the first 2 weeks, but we are settling in well together. She is really sweet, fun, happy, and alive. Today I randomly remembered the song I used to sing Mira while I was pregnant, the same song I was pleading with her to stay alive with....more crying. But basically I'm not sobbing constantly anymore, however, it's still a bumpy painful journey.


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## Heather Lyn (Apr 26, 2010)

You sound like an amazingly strong person and your daughter was lucky to have you for a mom in the time she was here. Seems like she got more love during that brief time than many people ever do. I'll be thinking of you.


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## M Anna (May 27, 2011)

I'm glad the St. John's Wort worked for you! Sending you ((((hugs)))). Heather Lyn is right.


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## Cativari (Mar 26, 2007)

I'm glad you found something that is helping.


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