# 3.5 yr. old biting everyone is preschool class...help!



## wecandoit (May 12, 2006)

3.5 yr. old DS is a sweet, kind child. He is generally very well liked at his preschool and gets along with lots of children. But lately he's been biting! He as bitten 5 different children on 5 different occasions. We've tried talking to him about it, telling stories about how biting hurts people's bodies and their feelings, and today the director finally pulled him out of the class to sit in her office for a few minutes while she called me. I don't know what to do. I want to take him out of preschool, but first of all, I have two more weeks of school myself, so I can't possibly, and second of all, would that help the situation at all?

I've never encountered anything like this with him before. I really need help.

I don't want to punish him, of course. That's not part of my parenting philosophy. But I have no idea what to do.

On several occasions he bit because he was angry at the children. On at least one occasion, several children were pretending to be dinosaurs and that's why he bit.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

I don't think you really can do anything since the incident is happening at school. You can continue talking about it, and try role playing. Make a song about how we don't bite. Other than that, I would also talk to the teacher about what they are doing to help. They are the first ones there.

My son had this issue when he was about 2.5 and it became very distressing to me. I went to visit his daycare unannounced and observed. I found out he was biting the 5 year olds during outside time because they were dragging him around.

At that point I saw that he was protecting himself and the teachers were not watching the children in a way that keeps them safe. Honestly, most pre-school classes have a teacher and an aide. I was a pre-school teacher and never allowed disagreements to escalate because "I was there". Sometimes when children this age are engaging in this behavior it is because they are unsupervised and I would question the school. Kids this age need help and direction when angry and this could only happen this often if teacher and aide are not actively watching the children.


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## wecandoit (May 12, 2006)

Purplemoon,

thank you for your response. I completely agree with your analysis of it being "at school." When he engages in problematic behavior at home, I can respond accordingly and he sees the relationship between his actions and my feelings. But since it's at school, all I can do is talk about it with him.

I just spoke with the director again, and she said one of the teachers is going to "shadow" him today and tomorrow. So hopefully they can jump in and help with the communication before anything happens.

Right now I'm dealing with some anxiety about how parents respond. I know that I shouldn't preoccupy myself with that, but I can't help but feel that everyone is going to be talking about what a problem child I have. On a similar note, there's a slightly older boy in his class that uses lots of language my son had never been exposed to, and is generally very wild and doesn't listen well, and I think he makes my son feel like he doesn't have control over his environment. I think the biting may be related, but I don't have any evidence of that, except that the director said she thinks my son may be biting when he feels out of control.

I'm so frustrated. If only I were done with exams, I feel like I could deal with it better.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

Ahh, the guilt of the biting child. I think it comes from the fact that a lot of people don't understand child development and like to pick on the biter. Mostly moms of girls (who are more likely to respond to frustration differently). I say that knowing that isn't always the case, but found when looking for help with my biter I got a lot of evil looks from girl moms.









It is pretty normal development and it will pass as his ability to verbalize increases. This can be done with practice and with time. Until then, I am glad that a teacher is going to be closer to him, because that is really the best way to practice with him. Sadly, it is hard to help as a mom when at home there is little reason to bite.

In a few weeks he can be home. Honestly, my first suggestion is to take him out of school since he is so frustrated, but life isn't always that easy. In the meantime just know your son is wonderful and won't be a chronic biter, I promise. I am glad the school is helping.


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## betsyj (Jan 8, 2009)

And by having a teacher shadow him they can hopefully see what triggers the biting. I think that is the most important thing-once they know the trigger they can help ensure your son isn't put in that situation.

There was an outbreak at the daycare my son attends and they never mention the child who is biting to the other parents. Hopefully that is your school's policy as well.

Edited because where did that winking smilie come from I wonder??


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## wecandoit (May 12, 2006)

It is their policy not to mention the name of the biting child, but I know that the other parents are informed and they certainly ask their child who bit them. In one case, a mother called me. She wasn't upset about my son biting her son, but she wanted me to reassure her that my son doesn't have any health issues.


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## tappinerp (Jun 14, 2006)

I wish I could give advise- I just learned that my son is doing the exact same thing. 5 bites in the past week. Some have been when he has been playing pretend (being the "bad guy") and others have been when he was frustrated and resorted to biting. We have the annual Parent Picnic on Friday. I am dreading the response from the other parents. Our school also is good about not telling parents whose kids did what- but I know that my son always tells me who did what to who.

I hope there is some advice- but I tend to agree- it is probably a phase that will soon pass.


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## Desert Jen (Aug 13, 2002)

It is a phase and it will soon pass! It's so hard while it's happening though, huh? My son went through it, too. He did it during a weekly playgroup we went to last summer. It was a response to feeling left out, out of control or overwhelmed (sometimes all three!) He became the scapegoat for some of the other kids in the group. They would run from him shrieking about how he was going to get them. He's a sweet, kind little man, usually, but the situation was just too much for him. He was also not talking much yet but understood everything. I think it was really frustrating for him.

What helped was me putting down my coffee and giving up (temporarily) my chatting with the other moms. I watched him closely and intervened when I saw him get frustrated. Another thing that helped him was giving him a teething toy. We took it everywhere for a while and talked often about how it was OK to bite the teething toy or a pillow or blanket whenever he needed to. One more thing that helped him was just him developing more language skills. Once he could say what he wanted it was easier for him.

Hopefully the teachers will be able to just watch him closely and intervene. It can happen fast but they should at least be able to figure out what is causing it. Biting is normal for some kids. They get over it. Some moms will not be kind about it but most will!! I kind of thought about it as a way to weed out the ones I didn't want to associate with anyway. Good Luck!


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## phatchristy (Jul 6, 2005)

DS went through a biting phase. There was a lot going on. My other DS was born, his sisters were in school, we had Grandma here and DH was here (and of course DH doesn't do things exactly the same).

It really had to do with overwhelming emotions and not being able to express them verbally.

Thankfully I can say after my mom left and we adjusted to having a new baby and I was back doing my more normal routine it stopped!


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