# Unfooding/self-regulated eating



## mad-old-hag (Jan 14, 2005)

We're moving towards not controlling what our children eat. At all. As in: they can eat whatever they want, whenever they want. The thinking is that they will learn to regulate what they eat without us using control or coercion. That they'll naturally choose to eat a balanced healthy diet if they don't have food issues caused by limitation of some foods, pressure from us, etc.

Anyway. I'm convinced of the "why", but am looking for info on the "how". Not so much what-should-I-buy/what-should-I-cook, but more "tips", iyswim.

For example, I read somewhere that someone said "don't make an announcement, just stop saying no" - because if you say "okay guys, you can eat whatever you want", that's too much for kids, and they'll go overboard. That made sense to me.

The plan is to cook a good quantity, those who want it can eat it, those who don't can eat leftovers or something they've fixed themselves, or not eat, if they choose. Has anyone else done this? And if so, any tips?


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## Persephone (Apr 8, 2004)

Wow, that sounds like how I would do it. I don't believe in controlling what your children eat. I DO belive in only having nutritious foods in the house in the first place. If, when they're older, and they want junk food, they can use their allowance to get it.

Also, do teach about hunger signals, and feeling full, and overeating. I became overweight because I had stopped learning to recognize them, and my food has NEVER been regulated by my parents. (Once my mom saw how forcing me to eat split pea soup when I was 2ish turned into a lifelong hatred of it, she stopped.







)

And there's a rule in my house (instated because of my husband! lol) that even if something looks yucky, you have to take at least one bite before you can declare you hate it.

I don't know if anything I've said is helful, because right now it's all theory, but that's how I'm planning on handling food when we have kids.


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## mad-old-hag (Jan 14, 2005)

Well - we're planning on backing off altogether, no rules. No enforced tasting, no just-one-bites. When I started thinking about this I thought we'd limit junk-food, but the more I've thought and read, the more I feel that goes against the ethos - they can't learn to self-regulate junk food if it's not there. So that will be freely available too. I daresay they'll probably eat too much of it for a week or two; if they're still gorging on junk in three months maybe I'll think again, but that's the plan anyway


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

If we did that, DD would live on candy and cookies an pop. DS would live on noodles and pop and pizza. We're pretty lenient, don't do the "clean your plate" bit, or make a big issue of everything being healthy, but we are of the opinion that children need some guidance even with food choices.

If it works for you,


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## Zhlake (Mar 19, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meiri*
If we did that, DD would live on candy and cookies an pop. DS would live on noodles and pop and pizza.

They wouldn't if there was no candy, cookies, pop or pizza in the house!

I am not really into no guidance at all--just thought I would bring up this point though!


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## Meiri (Aug 31, 2002)

I know that Zhlake.









We're not into zero tolerance for junkfood though. We do allow some, just not constantly, which means we have to set the limits since complete unavailability won't do it for us.


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## Artisan (Aug 24, 2002)

Can I ask what has led you down this path?







ITA about the not forcing children to eat or making a big deal of eating, but what is to be gained by letting them eat whatever, whenever? It seems like that is often the adult American way of thinking, and we have a nation where 60% of its adults are overweight. Not to mention the health factors, that eating habits set now will last forever, that they could potentially miss valuable nutrition without limits, etc.

I'm just wondering if this is a school of thought that I've never heard of or if I'm missing a key component.


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## Persephone (Apr 8, 2004)

Actually the adult American way of thinking about food is NOT whenever wherever, it's diet, diet, diet! As a result we have huge issues with sugar and fat, because they're "forbidden".

I think the OP's idea is that if you don't make kids do anything they don't want to do regarding food, that they will regulate themselves, so that they don't overeat, and they won't have food hangups. (Like my friend who doesn't eat any vegetables besides corn and potatoes, because her father force fed them to her when she was a kid.)

As for junk food, having unlimited access to it will actually eventually lead to moderation. At first, it may be like, "oh, yay! Junk food!" And binge, but eventually, if it's always there, you won't feel a need to hoard it, or binge on it. (My personal theory is that it's for special occasions, and I won't keep junk food in the house, but if my kids want it, I won't forbid them to have it, but I won't buy it for them either, unless it's a holiday or birthday or something.)


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## mad-old-hag (Jan 14, 2005)

Yes, Persephone has it exactly right. Self-regulation of food is not the American way. Anyway, I'm not in America ;-) - but it's not the way of most first-world countries anyway. We've been limiting what kids eat for years - and the result, as you've noticed, has been an epidemic of obesity and eating-disorders.

Have you heard of the study, done many years ago, in which toddlers were given unlimited access to a wide range of foods, including junk-foods? The researchers found that the toddlers, without any coercion or encouragement, over the course of a few days, ate a terrific diet.

That, and my belief that if we don't limit junk-foods, they will lose the appeal of being "special", is what has led me to this path. There isn't a lot about it on-line, but families who've tried it seem to find that their children eat a wide variety, and that junk-food is only a very small part of what they choose to eat. They don't feel the need to eat the cookies before someone else does, because there'll be more cookies once these are done. They don't grab the ice-cream as soon as they see it because - well, there's always ice-cream if you want it, so you can eat it whenever you want.

So we'll have whatever the kids want in the house. That means if they want chocolate, there'll be chocolate. (It will be *me* who's the real test of this, btw, because I grew up with junk-food being considered special - as a result, as soon as I had the freedom to do so, I ate loads of it. And still do. Hm.)

We have another reason for doing this too: family mealtimes aren't always pleasant anymore. We always said we'd never allow food to become an issue, but it has. It seems that at every meal there's *someone* who isn't eating, or who doesn't like what's on offer, and that's added stress to mealtimes. Hence....change of tactic


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## Dragonfly (Nov 27, 2001)

I've very much wanted to do this with ds (given my own issues with food - I know they came from excessive control). However, his dad and I are separated and he is very much into a "If you don't eat your dinner, you can't have dessert" model of eating. My child is really becoming focused on junk food and I think it's as a result of this. I'm finding that I have to limit what he has here (as in one piece of junk food a day) or else he's on me endlessly asking me to get him cookies, candy, etc.

It's *so frustrating*. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I don't normaly keep junk food in the house, save a few cookies or something now and then. If they're here, though, he wants to eat them all at once.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Our kids eat what they want when they want. The only exception is if they want me to cook. Then they have to not eat anything for an hour beforehand, because otherwise the food and my efforts are wasted. There can be serious waste issues involved with grazing, so you will have to have foods that have a longish shelf life and can be put back if not eaten (like crackers, breads). You'll have to experiement a bit with this.

As far as "junk"-- I usually make cookies and other treats frequently, but I make them with honey and olive oil instead of refined sugar and hydrogenated fat. But if we're going through a stressful time (we are all getting over flu) then I do buy "treat" stuff at the store, like packaged crackers and cookies.

My kids are all thin and healthy-- I was the only one who really got knocked out by the flu. Some make what I consider healthy choices, and one makes choices that concern me, but I realize these are choices he needs to make and he needs to be able to self regulate.

The only thing I don't like about this is that we never have formal family meals-- but there are lots of times three or more of us find ourselves eating whatever at the table at the same time.









I do have another rule, that they have to sit at the table when the eat. This is mainly to save me from cleaning up crumbs everywhere.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *reader*
I'm just wondering if this is a school of thought that I've never heard of or if I'm missing a key component.

Most eating disorders are caused by excessive parental control of a child's eating. When allowed to self regulate, most children will eat a well varied diet. Even my one child who IMO makes "bad" choices has a pretty good diet, and is thin and healthy.

I would only control my children's eating if we were in dire poverty (and couldn't afford much food, and had to "force" them to eat something) or if we lived in famine (same thing-- "eat this now or starve later"). Neither is the case in America, where even poor people are grossly obese. If my child had a genetic propensity to gross obesity, I *might* try controlling his diet if a lengthy time if self regulation & encouraging physical activity did not work.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Meiri*
If we did that, DD would live on candy and cookies an pop. DS would live on noodles and pop and pizza.

I see nothing wrong with noodles and pizza, or cookies if they are homemade with honey and non hydrogenated fat.

Just don't have candy or soda in the house, if this is an issue for you.

(Sorry to post so much but I love this issue!)


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## nini2033a (Apr 11, 2005)

well, this is interesting. I am trying to regulate most of my family into eating healthy and trying to have only or at least mostly healthy available for the family. Most of the family is doing well, but my 2.5 year old os incredibly stubborn and would happily live on just mozzerella sticks and yogurt. He rarely eats meat, but will eat hotdogs and hamburgers, and eats fruits (apples, grapes, berries, bananas) very rarely and veggies not at all. I wish I could get him to eat anything else.


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## KariM (Mar 13, 2004)

Sounds like how we eat here.









I had HUGE food issues because of the ways my folks regulated and restricted food and kinda went way in the other direction with my DS.

My philosophy is that if I have nutritious foods around he will know what his body needs and eat accordingly.

I prepared three meals a day and he could eat what was prepared or (when he was able) make a substitute.

Snacks have always been free range (ppl pick what they want and prepare it themselves).

We talk a LOT about nutrition and what our bodies need to stay strong, healthy and grow & repair properly. He's been involved in meal planning since he could talk and indicate preferences.

He's now 13 and makes very good choices, even when presented with junk food. He's learned that sugary snacks make his throat burn and that too much fat makes his stomach feel icky. He listens to his body instead of peers!!

--Kari


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

I like this thread! I don't buy soda or oreos or anything like that. But what's in the house is fair game. I don't regulate food intake.

Outside of the home the children can choose (except i will not step foot into BK and places like that. they know it and never ask)-- at parties etc.

I don't think making food a fight is in anyone's best interests.

I do talk with my children about what their bodies need to grow and be strong. I also encourage them to check in with their bodies- are you hungry? etc. If they feel ill or have a headache, I might mention that all that Easter chocolate might have contributed. I thinkit's important to check in with your body.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mad-old-hag*
Have you heard of the study, done many years ago, in which toddlers were given unlimited access to a wide range of foods, including junk-foods? The researchers found that the toddlers, without any coercion or encouragement, over the course of a few days, ate a terrific diet.


The study I remember reading about was a little different.

Toddlers were given unlimited access to whole foods- no foods were salted but salt was available by itself. They tended to "binge" on one food type or another at any one meal (or even for an entire day) but their diets were balanced over the course of a few weeks, and nobody had any nutritional deficiencies during the study.

I think I read that when people have too much junk food (highly processed foods with sugar, salt, and artificial additives) they DID overeat and not consume enough nutrients- or maybe that was only if junk foods were readily accessable and healthier choices required preparation.


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## prana (Sep 27, 2004)

e


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## Pam_and_Abigail (Dec 2, 2002)

The philosophy of letting kids self-regulate esp sweets, is really appealing to me, but dd1 is 2 1/2, and I just don't think she/we is/are ready for that shift in control.

So, do you all think there is a lower age limit to this idea? Or is it effective even in very young children?


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## meco (Mar 1, 2004)

I do something similar. My 26 month old eats whatever he wants, whenever he wants. But the catch is I dislike junk food and the packaging so we never have it in our house. And he does not ever express interest in it or ask for it. So his choices are generally healthy. I also find he eats a lot better if I do not stress what he is eating, how and when. I would not deny him anything, like chocolate, but he does not like it and I do not buy it.

He always choosing something good--eggs, bean and rice, rice cakes, apples, grapes, bananas, avacados, vegetable soup, fried rice, stir fry, mixed veggies, cheese, pasta with tomatoes, etc. He never wants fast food or anything. I do not generally buy prepackaged food.

We do have fruit popsicles that are his treat







He has never developed a sweet tooth beyond that. He does not like candy all that much.

I think it works great for us. I am a healthy eater. I prefer veggies and fruits. My son is healthy and eats well, and he likes to eat what I eat. I also feel that he will eat when he is hungry, and he does. I generally make one lunch and dinner, and he usually eats it no problem. I do always ask him if he is interested in any one particular thing. If we get take out, we eat family style so there are always several choices.

And for the posted that asked I pretty much let my son do whatever he wants in the areas you named--not in everything! I am easygoing and flexible. I let him go to bed when he is ready, take baths when he wants (which is usually once a day, he likes then). No TV and video games.


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## prana (Sep 27, 2004)

e


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

First, let me say for the record, we are mostly family of "grazers", LOL so the OP sounds like our standard way of life (more or less!)

However, I am trying to approach this just like I approach any other parenting "duty" - my goal is to guide and teach my kids.

I would not let a child make all the choices even for *him/herself* without giving them proper guidance and knowledge.

I also would not make those choices *for them* and they are to do what I said because I said so.

My daughter by now (yes, slower then with forbiding, spanking, yelling or whatever other controlling techniques) switching to healthier and healthier foods.
She is explaining to her dolls that "healthy yogurt" is good for them.

She does have choice of *what* she eats and never will be punished one way or another for not eating something I deem good or for eating something I deem bad.

She does have a choice of *when* she eats, just like she has a choice of when she goes to the bathroom.
If she did not eat when other were eating, her portion would just have to be reheated later and it's not a big deal for me.

Where I see the important part is educating her *why*.

I also make a point of setting a good example - that is, I eat healthy.

So the way I see it - it's neither letting your kids go "astray" and not pay attention to what they eat, nor "controlling" what they eat.
It's gently guiding them just like we try to do with most things, keeping in mind that yes, naturally and intuitively they are already good (eating, or behaving what-have-you)


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