# Is there a European parenting style?



## DebraBaker (Jan 9, 2002)

We have several friends who are from European (notibly norhern European) countries.

I've noticed subtle differences in their parenting and am wondering whether my sampling of European parents is too limited to matter or if there really *is* a difference between typical American and European parenting styles.

What I've noticed (the kids are anywhere between infants and older teenagers) is a relaxed attitude with their children. They aren't as stressed and uptight about how the kids are going to turn out. They don't seem to gain their own idenity from the acheivments/behavior of their kids.

The kids are, in general, nice well rounded people.

My daughter babysat two families this past week. One is German and the other American. These are both nice families but the American family spanks and we don't think the German family does. The German kids are nice and DD enjoys babysitting them. They can be mischievous (they are friends with my boys, after all) but they are nice kids. The other family, however, the kids (in my daughter's words) "suck up" to the parents but are bratty when the parents leave. The little girl locked my daughter out of the house and she mentioned it to the parents and the girl was spanked and DD felt bad about it but next time she babysat the kids were just as unruley. She won't say anything more about the kids because she doesn't want them spanked but when the cats are away the mice will play.

Debra Baker


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## mamangazelle (Apr 25, 2003)

I can't say a lot about european families in general, but here's what I have noticed in my family (spanish). CHildren have a lot of freedom. Everything they do is fine. The word I heard the most when I went to Spain with dd1 was "deja la" : let her.
Kids are expected to behave as kids, not as adults. Kids are welcome in most places, they are part of life, even when it's late, even in a cafe (kids and babies go in bars in my village).
When I was a baby, we went to Spain for the summer, and my grandmother told my mom she wasn't letting me have a life because she put me to bed before midnight and before the rest of the family (I was one:LOL )
Everybody takes care of the little ones, they are not seen as a chore (everybody helps a little, so it is so relaxing to be there as a parent)
That's my experience.
I also have a lot of french friends, and those I know are much more controlling (kids have to obey, to be polite, to eat what they are told to,...) Some of them spank. But I think I don't know enough families to make a judgement.


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## EllasMama (Nov 20, 2001)

I believe there are some fundamental differences, but I think it varies strongly from country to country. As someone mentioned, the French, generally speaking, have a stricter approach to parenting. From what I saw when I lived there, it seems that there are many social rules in France (such as whom you can call "tu" and whom you must call "vous"), and they also place a higher importance on decorum than some cultures (so kids are expected to sit still and be quiet younger and more than in some cultures). They also tend to expect a lot out of children, but that can be a good thing. For instance, in the U.S. most restaurants have the same nasty kids menu of chicken finger, hot dogs, hamburgers, or mac and cheese, and many if not most parents expect their children to eat no better than this even at home. French kids are not given these choices because their parents believe in feeding them the same food as everyone else. As a result (this is shocking if you're American) French kids will eat things, without batting an eye, that typical American kids never would consider touching.

I have heard that in Italy, they are very child-friendly, and kids' exuberance is tolerated much better. I've read that they also strongly disbelieve in spanking. Like in Spain, children are accepted in public even later at night. From what I know, Italians just really LIKE children (I often feel the opposite is true in my U.S. culture).

In England, there is a stronger importance placed on decorum than in the US (again IMHO), but I felt like children were more "obedient" (quiet and non-disturbing) in France. The two English boys I knew well were darned witty for their age, and allowed to express that freely in their family, but I don't know if that is a cultural tendency or unique to that family.

I don't know as much about Germany, but I do believe that they have a strong historical culture of rules that the teenagers there seem to rebel against more mightily than in some countries. Of course there is usually some teen rebellion, but everywhere I travelled in Europe, German teenagers seemed to be raising a ruckus by hollering and shoving each other and being disrespectful of people around them. I had long believed that U.S. teenagers must be the loudest and rudest nationality when in loosely chaperoned group situations, but I changed my mind after encountering German teen groups. It's perhaps not that they were TRYING to be annoying, but they sure annoyed me.

I only spent a couple weeks in Ireland so am no real judge, but the few Irish families I encountered seemed very laid-back in their parenting, and the children were all engaging and charming.

I know zippo about Scandanavia, but have always been impressed with Sweden's approach to supporting parenthood. I think there was an article in Mothering about a year ago about how family-friendly Sweden is (esp. compared to the U.S.).

Cheers, a bientot, y ciao,
Carol

P.S. There is one unifying theme amongst European parents - the ability to find excellent public places for their tots to pee (since free toilets are scarce).


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## gossamer (Feb 28, 2002)

I don't know a lot about individual families, but I think the difference is that European society is in general more chiold friendly than U.S. society.

Quote:

Everybody takes care of the little ones, they are not seen as a chore (everybody helps a little, so it is so relaxing to be there as a parent)
I think this is the important difference.
Gossamer


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## pamamidwife (May 7, 2003)

When we were in Europe, it seemed like (at least in Germany, Austria, and Italy) that they didn't have that whole stranger danger, someone-is-going-to-steal-my-kid fear that Americans seem to have.

It also seemed like there were less kids on average, too. Do Americans have more kids than Europeans?


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## mittendrin (Nov 5, 2003)

i'm german and, boy, are there differences. it was mentioned in this thread that we don't have the whole somebody's-gonna-steal-my-child-fear , and that's totally right. in bigger cities of course, you need to watch your kids, but rural areas, let them run free, as long as they come home for dinner or when it's dark.
schools are a bit safer and food is a bit healthier.
you don't have to constantly explain yourself as a mother cause your bf'ing.
vaccinations if you feel the need to not cause the state tells you to.
no friggin' flame retardent toxins on my baby's matress and clothes.
3 years maternity leave.
we actually put tights on our boys in winter, cause not just girls get cold (and no, we don't have more gays cause of that. you wouldn't believe the comments some people make here, when they see my boy is wearing tights undernaeth his pants).
a big part of early education is recycling, why, how, what and being friendly to mother nature.
we are way relaxeder when it comes to our kids safety, which i mean in a good way: kids here seem to be forbidden to come near scissors or an open flame before they start highschool. me and my german friends sometimes give other parents heartattacks when they see the 2 year old can cut out things with real scissors, lol.
we medicate our kids a little less and rely a bit more on homeremedies when they're sick.

i could go on forever. it's obvious i miss home and wish i could raise my children in germany. i'm in the process of trying to convince my dh that we're going back before ds starts school (wish me luck on that).
i found the most differences of course when i look at american mainstream parenting, this board has helped me a lot and given me a more positive attitude towards american lifestyle and parenting cause i've noticed that there's actually people here that aren't made out of plastic and bathe in clorox in fear of germs, lol. i just miss the fact that natural family living comes easier over there, kwim? i'm tired of going against the grain sometimes and having to explain myself constantly.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I do think there is. My personal experience is limited but my aunt tells a story of walking around a zoo in Germany. To understand part of the situation she is at least 500lbs. Well her and her husband went to the zoo with my cousin. He was around one. Well he started to cry while in the stroller. They left him crying in the stroller so they would not be force to carry him around all day. One the way out they was pulled over and the base ended up report to about child abuse. The German locals were very upset with them. Apparently some let his be known.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

MarsupialMom, do I understand correctly? Your aunt (and uncle I pressume) was reported to the Base by German locals because they let their 1 y.o. cry in his stroller?

That's impressive.

I'd also like to know if Americans have more children than Europeans do.


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## cumulus (Jul 17, 2002)

Our Babies Ourselves, by Meredith Small, is one of a number of books detailing how differently children are raised in different countries. Small's book points out that the USA is basically the only country in the world that does not have family beds. I agree with Ellasmamma that we really do not like children much at all as a society. Small, and others I've read point out that the chief, stated goal of most American parents for their kids is independence (get them out of the house).
Italians wake their babies up for family meals instead of putting them to sleep. Children are deliberately included in family and society. I understand that most babies meet half the town in their first few days and that there's only one kind of restaurant - a family restaurant.
This is straying from Europe but I like this so much. There's a tribe in New Zealand I believe wherein when a baby is born the mother and father are sequestered in thier hut with their baby and they cannot come out until the baby laughs.

"Americans simply do not want their children overly involved with them. In other cultures parents site things like becoming a good spouse and parent, good citizenship, or kindness and sensitivity as their goals for their children. What do Americans want for their children? In every study, one stark answer predominates: independence."

Kay S Hymowitz, Ready or Not


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## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

jakobsmami I just had to say how much I loved reading your post.

DH and I both hail from European families where, in many situations, things definitely are more laid back.

We aren't averse to giving DD a drop of wine (I mean a drop or two, literally) and she does play with scissors (with supervision of course) and DH has been having her "help" to light the Shabbat candles each week.

I've never understood the importance of fostering "independence" in children, as if babies never leave the nest without being shoved out (anyone who has housed puppies or kittens knows you can't keep 'em IN the nest for long!).

But you know, American society is also really uptight about sex and nudity compared to Europe. So maybe it's not just parenting, but Life in general that Europeans are more relaxed about.

Maybe you have to live through a couple of wars to realize what's *really* important in life is not whether Junior sees naked breasts on TV, or whether 3 week old Susie can sleep 12 hours in a crib in her own room without disturbing mommy and daddy's "couple time".







:


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## mittendrin (Nov 5, 2003)

i kinda got the feeling a lot of peolpe think we europeans are mostly cosleepers, breastfeeding til the child selfweans and AP all the way. unfortunately that's not the case. while i still stick with the opinion it's easier to raise a child naturally at least in germany, there's a lot of things europeans do "wrong" just as americans do them. bf'ing especially in public is more common, yes, but bf'ing a toddler gets you the same reaction from society as it does here. issues like cio or family bed or not are as important or unimportant as here. our teens turn into brats at some point in their lifes, too, lol! we are a western culture just as america and some thing are the same. a big thing i have to mention though, someone asked if europeans have more or less kids than americans. again, i can only speak for germany: it's probably the same, you know, 2.5 kids and a lab, hahaha, but its' frowned upon to leave your kids at daycare when they're barely 6 weeks old. there's more support, financially from the government and waaayyy better laws than here. also, we're closer to our families. we don't move as often. so a lot of children grow up at grandma's house...

gee, makes me have a big homesick attack again, talking about this...not the best day for me, my good friend will get on the plane back to gemany in a couple of hours. she's lived here for 2 ys, her dh worked here, and they're going back now.

but rememeber: the grass is always greener....


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## abigailvr (May 17, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Nursing Mother_
*Now that was 18 years ago, so I am hoping maybe they are more relaxed now about co-sleeping and BF there.*
I don't think they are. My husband is Dutch and we took DS there to visit the in laws when he was 8 months old. They were all fascinated that we were still sleeping with him. I also got a lot of questions about still breastfeeding, but I wasn't sure if they actually thought it was a long time, or if they just asked that way because of the langauge difference. I do know that my sister-in-law didn't nurse because she had a breast infection (I'm assuming mastitis) and was told she'd have to stop because of that. I know that's only one person.

I think they chalked up all the "weird" things I was doing to me being American. It's probably easier when you're just visiting and don't live there. I think it would be difficult for me to raise DS outside of the mainstream in Holland, since most people don't seem at all shy about expressing their opinions about your life.

I haven't experienced Dutch teen parenting, but I guess I will learn about it as the years go on. My oldest Dutch niece and nephews (triplets!) are just turning 4 this year, so it will be a while.


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## IdentityCrisisMama (May 12, 2003)

I think that in the same way that there isn't really an "American" parenting style, there isn't really a European. Europe is even more diverse than the US, which is saying quite a bit because I think the US in immensely diverse. They're both just too big, too diverse to have a particular parenting style.

I think if you narrow down geographically you get a style. You could say, for instance that there is a Santa Cruz parenting style or there is a Heidelberg style but not a Californian or German style and certainly not a US or European style&#8230;too diverse, imo.


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## Ilaria (Jan 14, 2002)

I am from Italy and I do see a lot of differences, but it would be hard to say there's a "European" way of parenting...

SOme of my VERY random thoughts...

First of all, the state and its laws are very supportive of families - from paid leaves, to vacations...and so on..like most of Europe and unlike the US.
Extended families are very involved in raising children-I, for one, was watched by my grandmother while my parents worked...which is a time I will cherish forever.

Children are doted on and independence is not pushed AT ALL. Most Italian parents would rather do something for their kids than teach them how to do it.
Italian kids are expected to eat what adults eat, and their time and to dress like adults do (dressed up!)

I slept with my parents until I was 9, my brother until he was 11. No one thought it was strange. I also slept with my grandparents when at their house.

Italians are VERY realxed about the naked body and sex, and children are used to seeing naked women in ads and on tv, they hardly even notice.

SPanking is considered ok, so is yelling and then hugging and smothering with kisses...

Children are often THE CENTER of a family. Their needs come first.

Italy is the country with the LOWEST birth ratio, BTW.

Quote:

Maybe you have to live through a couple of wars to realize what's *really* important in life is not whether Junior sees naked breasts on TV, or whether 3 week old Susie can sleep 12 hours in a crib in her own room without disturbing mommy and daddy's "couple time".


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