# Is being a mom "enough"?



## septmommy (Dec 21, 2003)

I don't know where to post this, so please move it if you feel it would be better elsewhere....

Warning this will probably be jumbled and all over the place









I am a mom to two wonderful children and a full time (legal custody) step-mom to four more amazing kids. I have been a stay at home mom since my son was born seven years ago. My youngest is starting school in a week and the pressure is on from the outside world to start focusing on myself now. I am blessed to have a trust fund set aside to go back to school so everyone around me keeps saying "Figure out what you love to do and go for it." My response straight from my heart is that I love being a mom. It is my passion. It's what I wanted to be when I grew up ever since I was little. Every time I try to push myself to be passionate about something else I realize I don't love it nearly as much as I do being home all day with my kids. There are practical reasons for me to work. Money is tight, my relationship has gone through some rough patches and I would like to feel capable of supporting myself if need be. Even with those reasons I just want to be a mom. It is where my heart is. I could take a class here or there, but investing money and energy for no real reason seems a waste to me. My mother is insistent that being a mom is not enough to satisfy my own soul, but it really is. What do you think? Is being just a mom "enough"? Am I being lazy? Am I scared to focus on me? Am I setting a bad martyr like example for my kids? Because honestly I feel like staying home and baking cookies and wiping noses provides me with more purpose than I can imagine feeling anywhere else.


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## mommariffic (Mar 18, 2009)

Hi :]

First off you know best, not anyone else. If being a mother is what makes you tick I say KEEP IT UP! The world needs more mothers that are happy and content doing what they love to do.

Mothering is a job!


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *septmommy* 
I am blessed to have a trust fund set aside to go back to school so everyone around me keeps saying "Figure out what you love to do and go for it." My response straight from my heart is that I love being a mom. It is my passion. It's what I wanted to be when I grew up ever since I was little. Every time I try to push myself to be passionate about something else I realize I don't love it nearly as much as I do being home all day with my kids.

yes and no.

yes it is wonderful to know what you want. no matter what it is.

which you have done.

however you also say your relationship is patchy.

i am pretty sure that's what your mom is concerned about. what if you become a single mom? do you have the skills to make it on your own? comfortably?

being a mom IS enough.

doesnt mean you shouldnt have some training under your belt in case you need to be sole provider. for whatever reason.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

If it's enough for you, that's fine.

However. Do you have any way of supporting yourself and your children if you had to? (widowhood, divorce?). If not, I'd use the money for school, now that you have the time to do so.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Wait, you're a mom to 6 children and people want you to do more? (Even if some of your kids are with you part time, you've still got a lot on your plate.) If your youngest is in K, you'll still be spending a lot of time with that child.

You shouldn't base your decision on what others think, it should be on what your heart tells you. There are things I wish I could do for my kids and my kids' school that I can't because I WOH. You can. Rejoice in that.

And maybe, just maybe, after a number of years of hard work being a mom, you deserve a year or so to figure out if this truly is your passion. If it is, then why change?

If you feel the need to branch out, one way to get 'job skills' is to volunteer for something you're passionate about. You're passionate about being a mom. So, do you want to volunteer at your kids' school? Being a LLL leader? Volunteer at a nursery or head start?


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## septmommy (Dec 21, 2003)

Thank you for your responses. I do feel remiss in not taking the opportunity to become educated and self sufficient. The problem lies in deciding what I would want to pursue, because right now nothing speaks to me. And as Lynns6 points out parenting 6 kids makes for a lot of work so taking on school work just for the sake of having a degree makes it feel overwhelming. I am confident that if I was passionate about something the hours of studying would feel much less daunting.


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## lapis (Aug 15, 2008)

thanks for posting this... interesting to hear everyone's thoughts.
I'm in a completely different boat but thinking about this a lot.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Eventually, it will stop being enough.

You will want something else. Something that's yours only. Maybe something that's only yours and your husband's. It could be anything from enjoying fitness to off road racing. But, it probably won't include your children. Or anybody's children.

But, when it's time, you will know it. And, when you start to feel like you need something else, go for it. If you don't take advantage at that time, you can't blame anybody. I hear SOOOO many women my age complain that their kids or their husband never let them do *insert activity* When in reality, usually we choose NOT to do it. If you ever get to the point that you are afraid that you are "wasting years", then do something about it.

While you are happy being a mom, then be happy with that! It was the best years of my life. You will know when it's no longer enough.


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## maddymama (Jan 5, 2008)

Hi mama,
I'd take some time to "relax" and adjust to your youngest going to school. Maybe after a bit of time something will catch your fancy and you will want to go to school and get a degree.
~maddymama


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## Dingletwitz (Nov 4, 2009)

Why not study kids at the uni? You're great at being a mom, but any mom can always know more about being a mom! It's possible to get a whole degree in Mom, really. Courses in healing, culinary arts, education, fitness, etc., etc. will help you be a supermom. Why not take some of those since you already have a passion for it? I think some people think one must have a "major" or some plan of degree to go to college. Pooh. While you'll be developing your own interests, everyone else will stfu! You never know when something that is inherent to mom-ness will strike you for a lifetime career once your primary momming is through.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

For me, it is not. I never thought my life would satisfying as a result of my relationship to another person.

That doesn't mean that you can't be fulfilled by being a mom, though. The only thing I would caution you to consider is what happens when your kids get older. They won't need you to wipe their noses forever!

MIL stayed home with 5 kids. She apparently had no qualms about that then. A SAHM was something both she & my FIL believed to be vitally important. They prepared themselves financially so that she would be able to stay home if he died young.

She went to work part-time when my youngest BIL was 12 or so in a field completely unrelated to her degree. Now I hear some regret and sadness when she talks about what her life could have been if she'd had a career. I do think she wishes she'd done things differently, but it's only since her children have grown up that she's really had time to think about that. So, I'd really suggest you give some serious thought to what you will do as your children age. How will you spend your days? Will you be happy then?


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## Latte Mama (Aug 25, 2009)

Don't study in something you're not interested in but you don't have to have a major for quite a while. I think every person but especially those with kids, should have the potential to be be self supporting. Life is full of unplanned things and moms should be prepared to be able to take care of the family in case something happens. My own stepmom was widowed at 40 when my Dad suddenly died young. My mother divorced when we were young as well. Stuff happens.

I've read so many stories where women just get blindsided and it's so sad. Be a great Mom and live your passion but also build your foundation, you can do both!


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## septmommy (Dec 21, 2003)

Great food for thought. I especially like the idea of doing college a bit unconventionally. My original plan was to take basic liberal arts courses so that I could build on that eventually, but that didn't intrigue me. I love the idea of taking a course here or there on things that really interest me. Even if it leads nowhere I will have fun in the process







. It ties in with the idea of relaxing and enjoying where I am now while still expanding my horizons. Thanks!


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I have met some moms who felt as you do, who got degrees in things like education or early childhood education, so that they could watch children at home and/ or work in their children's schools. Then they had a career to occupy them after their children were grown, or to supplement the family income, or to be the breadwinners when their husbands died/ left/ lost their jobs; but they also got to spend plenty of time with their children.

Of course it is possible to watch children in your home without a degree, but with an ECE degree you can switch back and forth between providing in-home daycare and working in a preschool or center, as circumstances change.


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## Sorella7 (Aug 28, 2010)

If the only thing you feel truly passionate about is mothering, why not investigate careers that use the same "skill set"? Perhaps being a doula or other kind of labor or post-partum assistant, a pediatric nurse (the world always needs more good nurses!), lactation consultant, etc? Or go the nonprofit route and seek out a job with Boys & Girls Club, YM/WCA, etc? There are lots of kids out there who desperately need mothering, and maybe you can help them *and* support yourself. <3


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

what i would do is look at all GE requirements. and then take one class at a suitable time. look on ratemyprofessors.com to see how interesting they are. there is no need to choose a major now. taking an inspirational professor can really point you to your passion. you dont even have to be interested in the topic. if they truly have a passion they will inspire you to look and 'see' around you. maybe a community college might be a better bet than university. and cheaper too.

i took a class not because i was particularly interested, but because it suited my schedule and it changed my life forever. you want something that challenges you (not in the intellectual way but in the philosophical and values way) and will further open up for more insight.

that is if you do really enjoy the academic setting.

college is not the only way to be self sufficient.

but absolutely dont jump on this right now. just enjoy the free time and breathe.


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

I dunno... I have a bachelors and masters degree and I don't have anything that particularly calls me, but I do *like* some things... I toss around finding something in a field that interests me, but... i dunno, nothing really calls, and my degrees are fairly useless ones, afaik. I might be able to make $20k-30k/yr if I had to? But I'd really be shocked if i could even get that, so... I doubt i could really support us if necessary... at least not the way we're used to living. meh. I dunno.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

You know what else you might want to do, is get some kind of paralegal certificate-- there are night courses and short courses for that kind of thing. Something that would qualify you for a job if you need one, but not eat up years of your life.


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## treeoflife3 (Nov 14, 2008)

Personally, I think being a mom is enough if you feel like it is enough. Only you know what is best for you.

However I do agree that taking classes in things that pertain to little ones would be pretty cool too if you really want to get a degree. Child psychology, early childhood education, nutrition... most things pertain to kids and you could find a path. Of course, you could always just get certified for doing home care and take care of OTHER people's little ones as well so you can still act as a mom (ish hehe) but also have a way of supporting yourself as well as having others be quiet about it.

I definitely think though that something will eventually speak to you. Nothing spoke to me until I realized that I absolutely adore all things childbirth. I want to be a childbirth educator and I also have a huge interest in being a postpartum doula because of how my experiences went. I think eventually you'll find your path as well









for now, I'd enjoy what I enjoy... and if you are already doing it... well then why stop??


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## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *septmommy* 
My mother is insistent that being a mom is not enough to satisfy my own soul

Uhm, are we sisters?









My parents were NOT excited when I told them we were expecting number two. Before I found out I was pregnant (at DS's first birthday) my dad made a crack about doing something more with my life than being a birthing center.







They're constantly saying I need to do something more with my life and insist I'm just not listening to God.







(can you have too many eyeroll smilies?)

The only reason I would take classes would be because I LOVE to learn. I could care less about a degree I'm never going to use. My mom wants me to get my teaching certificate. Her reasons change. She wants me to put my kids in public school and get a job (we plan to homeschool) OR she thinks that the govt will require teaching degrees to homeschool (possible, but I'm not going to freak out about it right now) I can learn on my own time and do so by reading articles and books. That works for me. I don't HAVE to have a formal learning environment and only like to do so for things like govt or literature (discussion things)

Basically, if you're happy and satisfied SCREW EVERYONE ELSE! They can't tell you how to be happy!


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## septmommy (Dec 21, 2003)

I guess I should mention that childbirth has become a passion of mine as well. I started apprenticing to be a home birth midwife and although I loved it I felt the hours and on-call schedule were just too much with little ones at home. I do doula work now, but in this very mainstream area I will never make enough to support myself as a doula. Same with teaching Bradley, etc...I love it, but it won't pay my bills. I've been toying with the idea of starting a business that expands on the idea of a postpartum doula. I wouldn't only serve new moms, but housebound seniors, busy professionals, etc. I could cook, clean, shop, run errands, organize, or just stop in and take care of their pets. It seems like fun to me, but not exactly the career path I've been so pressured to find. My head is swimming and I guess what I was asking here is why do I have to do more? Why isn't just being a mom enough? I had kind of convinced myself it was, but asking myself the questions you've proposed ("How could I support myself if need be?" and "What will I do when the nest is empty") has definitely made me rethink things. Keep your thoughts coming...it's really helpful


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## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

Well, you're saying that the oncall hours were too much because of kids right? When the nest is empty that won't be an issue so that's an option for the future!

Can you do a blog? Write articles and submit them to magazines or something? Do SOMETHING with the knowledge you have?


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## septmommy (Dec 21, 2003)

Blogging does sound fun! I love writing. Off to "google" how to begin a blog


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## Juvysen (Apr 25, 2007)

I have like 4 blogs, but I always forget to post on them. LOL So, I guess technically I could introduce myself as a "blogger" eh? heh heh heh


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

Being a mom was enough for me when the kids were younger.

It stopped being enough when they were more independent/school aged. Sure I still do all the mom things, but I found a passion external to anything maternal (hey that rhymes







) that really does sustain a different part of my soul.

But that's just me.

Mothering is only one part of you, you just have to decide how bit a part it is. I really echo another poster's comments about having something under your belt in case hubby dies/divorces/need extra family income. Security, kwim? I have a profession that is very well paid that I can jump right back into. Many moms would jump at the opportunity if there was money to do it.

One more thing: your mom might know you - or have a better read of your relationship - than you think. Her wisdom of having BTDT does count for somtrhing...


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *septmommy* 
I guess I should mention that childbirth has become a passion of mine as well. I started apprenticing to be a home birth midwife and although I loved it I felt the hours and on-call schedule were just too much with little ones at home. I do doula work now, but in this very mainstream area I will never make enough to support myself as a doula. Same with teaching Bradley, etc...I love it, but it won't pay my bills. I've been toying with the idea of starting a business that expands on the idea of a postpartum doula. I wouldn't only serve new moms, but housebound seniors, busy professionals, etc. I could cook, clean, shop, run errands, organize, or just stop in and take care of their pets. It seems like fun to me, but not exactly the career path I've been so pressured to find. My head is swimming and I guess what I was asking here is why do I have to do more? Why isn't just being a mom enough? I had kind of convinced myself it was, but asking myself the questions you've proposed ("How could I support myself if need be?" and "What will I do when the nest is empty") has definitely made me rethink things. Keep your thoughts coming...it's really helpful









Plenty of people do that exact career path. If you want to go that route at any point, talk to a nanny agency about what you are interested in and then you can either sign up with the agency or hang out a shingle on your own (Craigslist etc.). One woman in my area that does what you're talking about calls herself a "concierge service" but I think it varies by region. In NYC and Los Angeles they are called personal assistants and can make oodles of money.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

What matters is if it's enough for you. If you're happy, then no, I wouldn't say that you have to do anything else right now. Not to mention that you are taking care of *six* children.


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## lifeguard (May 12, 2008)

It is totally enough. But then how will you make it last "forever"? 'cause they will grow up & move out & then you may very well find it's not enough. It's not a bad thing to prepare for that eventuality.


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## itsnikki (Aug 3, 2010)

100 percent YES, it is enough.







It is definately enough to want to stay home with your children, and to love being a mother.














Trust me, I don't WANT to go back to work. For three years I've been at home with my child *a little more than that actually, since I had to go on maternity leave early and just didn't go back* and I wouldn't have it ANY other way.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I feel a lot like you do -- but, like you, we also have some financial "patchiness" to deal with. I am very thankful that about six months back, I got the opportunity to begin a work-at-home position giving business/conversational English lessons over the phone to people in Western and Eastern Europe and Asia.

I get to set my own availabilities and work this job around the needs of my family. I also get to have daily conversations with other adults, and in various parts of the world -- something I hadn't realized how much I'd been missing.

I was somewhat older before I married and started my family, so I already had my bachelor's degree which is a requirement for this job. My bachelor's degree is in Social Work, not English or teaching, but the job just basically requires a university degree and some corporate experience; most of my work experience was in childcare centers and that worked as they were corporations, and of course there is a customer-service aspect to early childhood education, since the parents are paying customers.










If I were you, I wouldn't jump into anything, but I'd start looking into ways to enable yourself to provide for your family if need be -- ways that would enable you to have maximum time at home with your kids as this is very important to you.

A little planning and preparation now might make the difference between being able to ease your way into paid work that's family-friendly and possibly work-from-home, and having to jump and take the first thing that's offered.

Actually, I feel quite confident that if you calmly start putting your feelers out, the right opportunities will emerge. This was what I started doing several months back -- not panicking, not jumping into anything, but just talking to other moms and learning how others are coping in this economic crisis.


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## LauraLoo (Oct 9, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *septmommy* 
I guess I should mention that childbirth has become a passion of mine as well. I started apprenticing to be a home birth midwife and although I loved it I felt the hours and on-call schedule were just too much with little ones at home. I do doula work now, but in this very mainstream area I will never make enough to support myself as a doula. Same with teaching Bradley, etc...I love it, but it won't pay my bills. I've been toying with the idea of starting a business that expands on the idea of a postpartum doula. I wouldn't only serve new moms, but housebound seniors, busy professionals, etc. I could cook, clean, shop, run errands, organize, or just stop in and take care of their pets. It seems like fun to me, but not exactly the career path I've been so pressured to find.

PM'ing you. My friend has started a not-for profit doing many of the things that you described. It has been very successful and well-received in our community.

And -- a book that you could read to help you sort things through is:
"Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want"
http://www.amazon.com/Wishcraft-How-...2949196&sr=8-3

The title is kind of "blah" but the book is *really* great. The author also wrote:
"I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It"

I've read both, and "Wishcraft" is much better. My advice is to keep the journal with your notes that she recommends. The exercises are thought provoking and enlightening.


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## frugalmum (Nov 5, 2009)

Since you express uncertainty about your marriage, I would go back to school however much you need in order to be employable/ self sufficient if you divorced. That way, if you do stay, you at least know you are not staying because you are financially trapped. I guess it all depends on how stable/ not stable your marriage is.

But as far as your basic question, YES being a mom is enough.







God bless us "just moms!!!!"


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

septmommy, dont let your likes hinder you. look around and see what opportunities open up to you. try everything.

as you go thru life you will discover your likes and dislikes change.

for instance when my dd was young she was my life. EVERYTHING revolved around her. that would have been a bad time to think about what next. i was sooo child focused i couldnt think of anything. all my likes and dislikes were focused around children. i took ECE classes, daycare training, etc. those ECE classes definitely helped me with parenting for sure.

but now she is flying the coop little by little. she is in the 'bitter sweet' life zone. she wants me AND wants to hang out with her friends without me. so she is caught in a quandry.

you have started your journey. the biggest lesson i have learnt is that sometimes i have to do something to realise how much i hate it.

there is no reason why you cant have 'multitude' 'jobs/careers'. today one of my friends not only teaches but he happened to fall upon making chocolate by accident and is now a professional chocolateur making gourmet chocolate with ancient recipes and ancient maya designs.

so look around you. within the time constraints see what you can do now. dont let any opportunity pass you buy, least of all if you like it or not. go in with a curiousity. i have discovered many things about myself. what i thought was fascinating was boring and vice versa.

and here's the thing. the more involved you get into something - even volunteering - you meet people, make connections and soon a whole other set of opportunities open up for you.

look around you. i am a 100% sure there is something you can do NOW. there is an opportunity - even volunteering - staring at you right in the face. or a jewelry making class or something.

you start at one place and you will discover you land some place quite different.















i am sooo excited for you.







this is going to be so much fun.

but dont sit around for opportunity to come knock on ur door. just grab what is out there easily available now.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

I say take a year without enrolling in anything and see where it leads you. You have time.


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## septmommy (Dec 21, 2003)

meemee what a beautiful post. Thank you.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

I think that being a mom as your primary identity and passion should not be something that you pursue for the rest of your life--otherwise you run the risk of turning in to a MIL from hades and perhaps becoming way too dependent on your adult children to make you happy.

But this is not the rest of your life, it's now. If it works for everyone now, then why not simply enjoy the now?

Honestly though, I suspect that perhaps you DO have a bit of fear in focusing on you or something other than your kids, if it's true that your relationship isn't what it could be now and because you mention that "is it fear". I know I was scared as hell to look at myself, and intense parenthood made it easy-peasy for me to not sit with myself. I'm far more comfortable running around being busy than I am trying new things out--for me. I really think that most moms go through a stage (or three or four) of that, it's pretty natural.

Last year, with all my kids in school all day for the first time, I pushed myself into taking a class that I'd wanted to take since I was a kid but never had time too--pottery (how stereotypical is that?). I love it, and took 3 more classes after that and will be taking my 4th - 8th this year.







For once in my parenting life I did something FOR ME that had *nothing* to do with family. To be honest, I think "going back to school" is for the family, not you, if it's in the context of "so I can support myself". I hated it when people asked me if I was going to go back to school, yuck. But believe it or not, I am actually considering one day pursuing a fine arts degree--I never thought of myself as an artist, and I don't really need the degree, but I might as well get something for taking all the classes I want to take. Not that a fine arts degree--I am in no way interested at all in teaching--would allow me to support myself anyway.







Anyway, I felt guilty for the first two classes, I mean really how dare I saddle my DH with our children and neglect them all for 3 hours every week so I could play with dirt? But it started to feel wonderful.

It's nice to have a hobby that is mine, that feeds my senses, where I can play with things that I can't have around the kids (like cool chemicals and FIRE!), and to be in a situation where I can be justme, and not my relationship stamped on my forehead. Nobody cares whose mom I am when I'm bent over the wheel or plunging a ceramic pot that's 1800 degrees into combustible materials to make it beautiful--I just get to be the hand shaping the clay and part of a team safely making art.

Didn't realize how important that was to me until I actually did it. Just this little bit is enough though...for now.


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## TheGirls (Jan 8, 2007)

Is it "enough" well for me, right now, it is. In fact it is about to be all I can handle (I will have 3 under 3 this winter), however, long term, I do feel that it would be more emotionally healthy to have other passions in life. I do have a degree that I could use to support my family if I had to, but it isn't a passion either, so it doesn't fulfill that part of me. I have some passions that I really can't indulge right now (time/energy wise) but I know that this is just a season of my life, and that there will be time for other projects as my children grow and my time is more my own.

I think it's great for life to revolve around your children when they are little, but I've known a few moms (including my MIL) who never find something else for their lives to revolve around as their kids get older - and it always turns out emotionally unhealthy. My MIL is totally toxic for a variety of reasons, but I think the core of that is a very human need to be useful. But she never found something to do and love as her children grew, so she mostly drives her adult children (24 and 29 years old) batty. She would be a much healthier person if she took up soccer or painting or blogging or WHATEVER she could feel passionate about and contribute to the world around her in some way.


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## AbbieB (Mar 21, 2006)

This thread is sad to me. If the moms from MDC think that mothers need to find fulfillment outside the home because mothering is not enough than where are we satisfied mothers and homemakers to find support?

Yes, being a mother is enough!

In the future, you may change your mind and that is the time to look for something else. In the meantime enjoy motherhood and be there for your kids who still need a mother even though they are at school for a few hours everyday.

I am reading Radical Homemakers right now. It's going very slowly since everything in the book is so profoundly reaffirming of my feelings of self worth and importance as a mother and homemaker. I suggest you check it out for a different perspective on what you do and just how valuable it is.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

I think at least some of us would have responded differently if the OP had said her marriage and finances were stable.


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## septmommy (Dec 21, 2003)

Thanks for the book suggestion AbbieB. I had heard of it once before and was intrigued, but I never got around to purchasing it. I will definitely check it out.

Perhaps my question was too personal. I was asking for advice for my life, but I think my basic question concerns most women trying to figure out the right choices for themselves as women and for their families. My own situation and rocky relationship do add another dimension to the question. In general, though, does our society support women who feel fulfilled by making parenting their main role? I often feel very belittled for feeling it is enough. It's as if I have a more limited view of the world and less to contribute to conversation. I often suspect people feel I am unmotivated or just a throwback to the fifties. I am certainly not one dimensional. There are many things I am interested in and I love to constantly learn new things. But I have zero interest in gaining a formal education or making those things a career path right now. I am enjoying being primarily focused on my kids. It feels like a calling, like what I was meant to do. Gaining "surprise" custody of DF's four girls has reaffirmed that calling for me. Maybe one day it will change, but for now I'm feeling very right about it. This thread has made me think more about how I can support myself if need be and I'm thinking a home business makes the most sense for me. This way I can be with my kids no matter what and still feel self sufficient. Now if I could just miraculously whip up a successful at home business


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Here's my thoughts from a btdt and have the tshirt that says grandma on it perspective. The period of intense, on-call 24/7 mothering doesn't last forever. Now that your last one is in school is the time to think about your next career. Explore your interests. You enjoy making cupcakes--take cooking/baking classes. You want to garden? Take organic/native gardening classes. You love little kids--take child development classes. Volunteer at the neonatal unit at the hospital. Volunteer at Head Start or your local school, library, etc. Look at your city's recreational classes, adult ed classes, community college,, etc. And, who knows, but spending some time focusing on you can help your marriage and your relationship with your dh and your children. From the other person's perspective, focusing all your being into being a mother can feel suffocating to your children as they hit their teens and your dh can feel neglected and that you no longer care about your relationship with him. At the very least it will give you a more balanced you. something that you will need down the road when there is just you and your dh. And take it from me, being a grandma is fun but it's not the same all encompassing feeling that you get from being a mom. Besides your grandchildren already have a mom.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I got the opportunity to begin a work-at-home position giving business/conversational English lessons over the phone to people in Western and Eastern Europe and Asia.

Totally OT, but this sounds like an awesome opportunity!


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## alis (Aug 14, 2010)

Yes, being a mom is "enough" to fill one's soul, but I feel that it is part of my job - as a mother - to ensure that I have at least some kind of training/education/background to fall upon should anything happen. Even those of us who are in positive, loving, stable marriages cannot assume that nothing will happen. I have a university degree, and I don't use it right now - but I made sure to earn it before I started having children, "just in case".

That's just how I felt, having a mother who stayed with an alcoholic husband for 30 years because she didn't have any education past elementary school and didn't think she could afford to take us out of the home.


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## southernmommie (Jan 7, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 

college is not the only way to be self sufficient.

but absolutely dont jump on this right now. just enjoy the free time and breathe.

I completely agree with this quote right here!! We need moms who WANT to be moms and LOVE being moms. Not moms who don't like their children. IF and WHEN you ever come to a time when you need an income, I have NO DOUBT you will find something. Even if it's in home day care. Or selling Pampered Chef. You'll find something.


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## Grace and Granola (Oct 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treeoflife3* 
Personally, I think being a mom is enough if you feel like it is enough. Only you know what is best for you.

However I do agree that taking classes in things that pertain to little ones would be pretty cool too if you really want to get a degree. Child psychology, early childhood education, nutrition... most things pertain to kids and you could find a path. Of course, you could always just get certified for doing home care and take care of OTHER people's little ones as well so you can still act as a mom (ish hehe) but also have a way of supporting yourself as well as having others be quiet about it.

I definitely think though that something will eventually speak to you. Nothing spoke to me until I realized that I absolutely adore all things childbirth. I want to be a childbirth educator and I also have a huge interest in being a postpartum doula because of how my experiences went. I think eventually you'll find your path as well









for now, I'd enjoy what I enjoy... and if you are already doing it... well then why stop??

ITA!

I think you could look at almost any of the MDC forums, figure out which one is your favorite, and build a career around it! I love being a mom and I don't have any ambitious goals for myself career-wise, but I am really interested in nutrition and natural health *especially as it pertains to caring for my family. I am really interested in taking correspondence courses in these areas to be able to better care for my family, and if it leads to a career then it does, but I don't really care! of course if something did happen and I needed to support my kids, then I would already be on my way to a career that I like.

But please don't let anyone else tell you what should or should not satisfy your soul. Be confident in what you're doing and you might just convince those other people that mothering is THE thing for you and you are complete as things are now.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *septmommy* 
In general, though, does our society support women who feel fulfilled by making parenting their main role? I often feel very belittled for feeling it is enough. It's as if I have a more limited view of the world and less to contribute to conversation.

septmommy i face that prejudice too. i am a full time student living off of loans and grants. i went back to school because 'I' wanted to go back to school. it is my calling in a big way just the way being a mom to my dd was. the urge to follow my dream came right when dd started school.

argh i get so many looks and comments because i dont work. because i pick up my dd from school and then we hang out and do our hws together.

i am at a point where for me mommy and student are equally important. one is not more than the other. or less. of course if i had to choose obviously mom would win. but i see the huge impact of me following my dreams is having on my dd. our lives are soooo much richer than it was 3 years ago.

i am investing in my dd NOW. she is growing up to be a really confident and fearless young woman. and i am doing that by listening to my calling. tomorrow when i come out of college i am going to do amazing 'work'. it wont be my 'work' it will be my calling from which i will never ever retire. i will die 'playing' my favourite game.

i see the same with my dd. we are poor. really really poor. but we manage. and lead a v. v. rich life. we make decisions together. and her life is enriched by me doing my thing.

btw SM some of the best read people i have found are mostly those who read on their own without going to college.

but society sees me as irresponsible. not taking good care of my dd. not setting up anything for the future. i feel i AM doing EXACTLY that. but going about it in a different way. i am investing in dd's sense of self rather than $$$$. which will last her forever than any amount of money ever will.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom* 
Totally OT, but this sounds like an awesome opportunity!

Thanks, it truly has been







...and of course this opportunity wouldn't be the "bees knees" for everyone -- but my main point is that no one needs to jump into doing anything that they don't really want to do. The right opportunities are out there if we are willing to trust that they are out there, and just stay in a state of calm alertness so that we'll see them as they emerge.

It initially felt just awful when I realized that, realistically, I needed to start thinking about how I could bring in an income. I would lie in bed at night feeling really yucky about it. But then this faith just came to me -- faith that the right opportunity *for me* was out there and it would come to me when I was ready for it.

And it did. I think the OP also has some great ideas for home-based businesses. She doesn't necessarily need to start anything right now, but just having that sense of alertness about it, and allowing her brain to start processing ideas for how to meet the financial needs of her family, can really set some wonderful things in motion -- some wonderful connections with others for one thing.

As far as the poster who is sad about the direction the thread is going -- I don't think anyone here is demeaning motherhood. I also happen to think being a dad is enough, too! But providing for our children's physical and material needs is part-and-parcel of both mothering and fathering.

When I learn about the natural cultures that many of us at MDC base a large part of our parenting philosophies on -- I think the main difference is that these cultures are based upon a way of life in which providing for material needs involves little-to-no separation of mothers from children, and also a lot less separation of fathers from children than what we see in our culture, since Dad may take off sometimes on a long hunt but he's also spending heaps of time at home in the village.

I've been reading a book by Steve Taylor called _The Fall: Evidence for a Golden Age, 6000 Years of Insanity and the Dawning of a New Era_, which is kind of OT, except that one point he makes seems applicable here. He feels that unfallen peoples don't have modern man's unsatiable need to accumulate wealth, status and stuff -- which kind of tells me that they already feel like they are "enough," just as they are.

They still do what they need to do to meet the material needs of their families -- but in and of themselves they are okay -- they are *enough* just as they are.

I am enough. You are enough. Right now, just as we are. We don't need degrees or job titles to prove it. We can just *be*, and whatever we decide to *do* can be because this is our chosen means of sharing our love and joy with the world.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Also, meemee's posts about this really resonate with me, as do all of her other posts pretty much all the time.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I also wanted to add that sometimes providing for our families might involve availing ourselves of public resources that are there for families in difficult situations, such as single parent families.

There's no shame in accepting help when we need it; we can always add more back into the system later on when we're able -- and we are absolutely still "enough" even at the moments when we are receiving the most help .


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## momasana (Aug 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *AbbieB* 
This thread is sad to me. If the moms from MDC think that mothers need to find fulfillment outside the home because mothering is not enough than where are we satisfied mothers and homemakers to find support?

Yes, being a mother is enough!

In the future, you may change your mind and that is the time to look for something else. In the meantime enjoy motherhood and be there for your kids who still need a mother even though they are at school for a few hours everyday.



I agree with AbbieB. Being a mother is absolutely enough! It is the most important thing we can be and I wish that our society and community offered more support to women who love nothing more than to nurture, educate, and care for their children.

Raising children and taking care of my home is the greatest job I have ever had and I am very proud of what I do.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Again, I simply don't see where anyone on this thread has devalued mothering or homemaking. I think we all take pride in what we do as moms.


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## mamadebug (Dec 28, 2006)

I think that being a mother "is enough". I am a SAHM and I love it and feel great about what I am doing with and for my son.

Obviously, each woman/mom is different and for some moms it isn't "enough". I believe it is important that all people recognize what they need to be fulfilled/satisfied/whatever and pursue that.

But, as someone who grew up with a single mom who really struggled financially, I think an important part of being a mom, whether you currently stay home or not, is being able to support your children on your own if you need to. You may or may not need a degree to do that - depends on what you would choose. If your youngest in entering school and your relationship has been rocky and you potentially have 6 children to support - it would make sense to me to start studying or researching or laying the ground work to have some sort of job you like and are good at.

ETA: I just reread my post, and somehow it sounds much more judgmental than I meant it to be. What I meant to get across is that I think being a mom is "enough" for some people (including me it is - not for others - I totally recognize that), but that sometimes regardless of it you think it is enough, a persons life is such that it isn't practical to be a SAHM. Sometimes the best way to be a mom is to have some way to support your family even if you would rather be home and/or the job you do isn't your passion.


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## septmommy (Dec 21, 2003)

I've really appreciated everyone's posts and have enjoyed all the different points of view. I still don't have a clear idea on how I want to proceed, but I have a lot of wonderful suggestions to ponder. For now I am going to enjoy this beautiful day with my kiddos and be thankful that I am in a position in life that affords me the luxury of even questioning all this


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *septmommy* 
I've really appreciated everyone's posts and have enjoyed all the different points of view. I still don't have a clear idea on how I want to proceed, but I have a lot of wonderful suggestions to ponder. For now I am going to enjoy this beautiful day with my kiddos and be thankful that I am in a position in life that affords me the luxury of even questioning all this









Don't overthink it. When you have something, you'll know it.

Right now, your kids have school, lunches, backpacks... all of this is very time consuming. If you are not lounging on the couch all day watching The Price is Right, and complaining "I'm soooo bored!!" then, just relax. THIS is your passion right now. Your next one will show up without you ever knowing it. It doesn't have to be a job, or a class. It could just be an interest that makes you happy. It could even be working at your kid's school.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

A class here and there is a good start and you may find once you get into it that you want to be a mom and work slowly towards a degree you can use once your kids are grown. You don't know where life will take you and I think some education beyond high school is a good thing. Just taking college classes had made a difference in the quality of the jobs I was able to get once my husband and I split up. It is scary to be on your own and to have almost no prospects.

I also want to say that those of us who work are still moms. Some of us define our life by that. Work is something we do to support our families but that doesn't decrease our love of being a mom or our love and connection to our kids. In fact, I found that my relationship with my dd got closer once I started going to school and even more once I started working full-time after graduating. I think it is because we cherish our time together now and make the most of it by spending it together building a better relationship. I don't think working or going to school to make your family life a little better is a bad thing, especially if money is tight or your relationship is rocky and you want to feel like your family and you personally will have the security you need to keep the stress down.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Kids grow up and need you less. My youngest starts high school in a few days. He's been lucky enough to have had me home his whole life. But yes, I'm job looking now. Not because I need some kind of fulfillment ... but to help my kids with their college costs.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *One_Girl* 
I also want to say that those of us who work are still moms. Some of us define our life by that. Work is something we do to support our families but that doesn't decrease our love of being a mom or our love and connection to our kids.

This is such a great point. As I've said, I think we all take pride in being moms.

And while "I" would certainly be enough and I would certainly have enough of a life without bringing in any kind of income, as One_Girl said it sure does bring the stress down for me to have this position.

After almost a full year of unemployment, dh has landed a full time work-from-home job, the sort of thing we'd been wanting for him for a long time. It's a guaranteed 40 hours per week, but the pay is a lot lower than what he was earning when he had to drive to and from work.

The fact that I can continue to work from home part time enables us to live out this more family-friendly lifestyle much less stressfully than if we were still depending on just dh's income.

Also, in today's changing economy, it feels good to have these two different income sources. If something happens to one source, the other source is still likely to be there to tide us over. I'm part-time now, but I had actually added a lot more availabilities to my schedule this past month because we were anticipating dh losing his unemployment soon and this being our whole income.

Now he's started his new job, so I'm not adding any extra hours for September. But I can add hours at a moment's notice if need be. I've noticed that within a couple of days of adding any new hours, those time slots usually start filling up with lessons which means more income for my family.

Is it "sad" that I feel this way? Does this mean that I'm demeaning stay-at-home motherhood and homemaking? Not at all! I think it's kind of sad that anyone would be sad about mothers doing what they need to do to care for their families. We are all full time moms.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Being a mom is enough.

I personally have a hard time imagining what I will do during all those hours my kids are in school. I can bake cookies as it is, LOL. How clean will your house be, you know? Your kids will get more and more independent.

And I do agree that if your relationship is patchy it's good to have something to fall back on. Something early-childhood may be good for you. At worst, it will tide you over until you can get qualified for something better. Child-care is a great option: just doing a little pre-school a few days a week may provide you with a lot of money, and then in addition it's something you could scale up.

Quote:

these cultures are based upon a way of life in which providing for material needs involves little-to-no separation of mothers from children
This is a myth. There is little separation from babies, but when you find me a culture that has mom in the home with all her kids from babes to adolescents or at least pubescents, I will send you a million dollars.

Kids separate. It is a natural human progression.

Now, that does not mean the SAHM calling is less important. It is important. But let's not reinforce lies about how in the forest somewhere there are three-year-olds sitting in a hut all day playing happily with mom because their guts are so in balance because of all the kombucha. Those kids need and love playing with other kids and a variety of adults.


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## septmommy (Dec 21, 2003)

I was so afraid that posting this would start the stay at home vs working mom debate that I almost did not start this thread. I am in no way questioning whether or not being a stay at home mom is "BEST". There are parents of all incomes, work scenarios, religions, ethnicities, schools of thought, etc that produce amazing people. It is my belief that as long as children are truly loved then they have a great fighting chance no matter what choices their parents make. I hope we don't fall into that debate as it is such a drain on energy and only serves to upset people. I'm not asking should being just a mom be enough, but rather, can it be? The responses have opened my eyes to the EVENTUAL need to have more. So simple, but something I personally neglected to think forward to. So thank you to everyone who responded, it has really been helpful.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EdnaMarie* 
This is a myth. There is little separation from babies, but when you find me a culture that has mom in the home with all her kids from babes to adolescents or at least pubescents, I will send you a million dollars.

Kids separate. It is a natural human progression.

Now, that does not mean the SAHM calling is less important. It is important. But let's not reinforce lies about how in the forest somewhere there are three-year-olds sitting in a hut all day playing happily with mom because their guts are so in balance because of all the kombucha. Those kids need and love playing with other kids and a variety of adults.

I actually never said that mothers and children were sitting in huts all day together. I have read that children in these cultures have a lot more freedom to run around and explore and play with other kids than do most children in our own culture. So, no, I'm not picturing the three year olds sitting on Mom's lap all day.

The babies get the intensive one-on-one time with Mom when they need it, and then they branch out and start exploring and also getting involved in varying degrees with adult tasks.

I think many of the adolescents and pubescents are fully integrated into adult life, so the girls may be helping Mom or going out gathering food with other groups of girls and women. The boys are most likely learning to hunt and being mentored by their dads and other older men.

At the same time, I keep reading that the hunter-gatherer lifestyle (or, as some would call it, the gatherer-hunter lifestyle) is a lot less labor-intensive than our Western way of life. So I imagine that everyone who is still able to live this way of life has a lot more leisure time to just hang out with friends and loved ones and do whatever strikes their fancy.

It's hard to talk about non-industrialized cultures without getting accused of over simplifying or idealizing or what-have-you. There are so many of these different people-groups, and they've all had varying degrees of contact with cultures like ours, and as we require more of the Earth to live out our chosen lifestyles, the hunting-gathering way of life is becoming less and less of a possibility for more and more people.

My actual point was really not about how great these other cultures are, though I think we do have a lot to learn from them.

My point was that many of the principals of attachment parenting have been gleaned from the observations that Westerners have made of the parenting practices in some of these non-industrialized cultures...and my point was also that these cultures don't have the dichotomy of "stay at home mom versus career mom."

*All* of these mothers participate in the economic life of their communities. When I accepted that it was going to be necessary for me to participate economically, too, it became my goal not to be "sad" about that, but to look for ways to do this that would mesh with my desire to still be available to my children.

I guess I just think of myself as "enough" regardless of what I am doing or not doing -- which means that whatever I do, whether it's classed as "radical homemaking" or "career woman stuff," is simply an outgrowth of my love for myself, my family, and my world.


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## meemee (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I think the main difference is that these cultures are based upon a way of life in which providing for material needs involves little-to-no separation of mothers from children, and also a lot less separation of fathers from children than what we see in our culture, since Dad may take off sometimes on a long hunt but he's also spending heaps of time at home in the village.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *EdnaMarie* 
This is a myth. There is little separation from babies, but when you find me a culture that has mom in the home with all her kids from babes to adolescents or at least pubescents, I will send you a million dollars.

Kids separate. It is a natural human progression.

i BEG to differ. it is NOT a myth. what we are losing sight here is the concept of mother. there is no concept of 'my mother'. but 'mother'. there is always a mother around to be and take care of the kids.

children DO spend so many years in contact with mom. not just in hunter gathering society but also in agricultural society and in some urban societies too where the concept of 'joint' family exists.

i am sorry but i hate to see how we are evolving.

sorry SM - taking this hugely OT here. sorta.

i hate how i have to leave my dd in the care of 'strangers' while i go to work. some of you are lucky. you have family and thus your child has many mothers. i hate how my dd only has one mother. only one mother to discipline and love her. she is missing out on soooo much. and society is heading that way. there is no support for moms who are more comfortable being WOHM. my gma was one of them. she just could not be a SAHM. but she had tonnes of family so my mom had other 'mom's' who took care of her. while other moms took care of the housework and cleaning, one mom watched out for the kids. i mean hello. the concept of stranger anxiety does not even exist there. this is in asia.

i mourn what society is becoming. i mourn what childhood is becoming. its even more heartbreaking because i study culture and i see the results. and it makes me wanna cry.

a constant parent is a child's birthright. being with their child for as long as a parent wants is the parents birthright. and it saddens me to see this not being given priority. it is sad our society demands our children and parents 'deal' with it.

and yes physically at some point we separate but never, never detach.


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## VisionaryMom (Feb 20, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meemee* 
i hate how i have to leave my dd in the care of 'strangers' while i go to work. some of you are lucky. you have family and thus your child has many mothers. i hate how my dd only has one mother. only one mother to discipline and love her. she is missing out on soooo much. and society is heading that way. there is no support for moms who are more comfortable being WOHM. my gma was one of them. she just could not be a SAHM. but she had tonnes of family so my mom had other 'mom's' who took care of her. while other moms took care of the housework and cleaning, one mom watched out for the kids. i mean hello. the concept of stranger anxiety does not even exist there. this is in asia.

i mourn what society is becoming. i mourn what childhood is becoming. its even more heartbreaking because i study culture and i see the results. and it makes me wanna cry.

This only sounds good if the other "mothers" parent the same way you do. I don't want the village raising my children because I'm not like most of the village. When we have needed full-time childcare, which has been rarely for us, I liked that I could pay someone to come into our home and be with our children and do things as I want rather than rely on other women to do things as *they* want because we're all part of this mythical village.


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

With respect, child caregivers, teachers, friends can all become other "mothers" as well. Unfortunately, our society often gives very mixed messages about that though. How many times have I read here that even people who find a beloved nanny or a great school with great teachers for their kids are "shoving them off for other people to raise"? Plenty. Yet also, this idea that idealistically there should be a village/kinship (chosen or otherwise) circle/community loving and being with the kids is also revered.

It makes me sad sometimes that we are often not allowed to use and enjoy what's right in front of our face.

Why must it be either or? Do people who only enjoy mothering enjoy it MORE than people who enjoy mothering AND other things? I don't think so. I don't understand why it has to be a contest. Or why people think that it's not okay for things to ebb and flow over time, including interests and intensity. :/

Editing to add: Those people who really really enjoy caring for others often find themselves in a really difficult position. They might really love the children or elders they care for, but they are looked down upon for being "Strangers" by the people entrusting some of the caretaking to them while simultaneously needing to be careful not to become more than a stranger lest it threaten the parents/adult children.

So I'd say we idealize mothering as a society, even here, while simultaneously injecting it with competition and fear. Though to be honest, I am not sure it's really been any different at any other time, at least in *American* history.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *VisionaryMom* 
This only sounds good if the other "mothers" parent the same way you do. I don't want the village raising my children because I'm not like most of the village. When we have needed full-time childcare, which has been rarely for us, I liked that I could pay someone to come into our home and be with our children and do things as I want rather than rely on other women to do things as *they* want because we're all part of this mythical village.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Tigerchild* 
With respect, child caregivers, teachers, friends can all become other "mothers" as well. Unfortunately, our society often gives very mixed messages about that though. How many times have I read here that even people who find a beloved nanny or a great school with great teachers for their kids are "shoving them off for other people to raise"? Plenty. Yet also, this idea that idealistically there should be a village/kinship (chosen or otherwise) circle/community loving and being with the kids is also revered.










: to both these posts


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## MittensKittens (Oct 26, 2008)

This thread is really interesting. There have been some great replies, that are really useful to a lot of mamas. I think this topic is relevant to all of us. Personally, I think that being a mom "alone" is no small thing! It is the single most fascinating and fulfilling thing I have ever done. Of course, it gets frustrating sometimes, but everything does. I would not trade the experience of being home with my kids for anything else.

But small kids grow, and they will leave the nest at some point. Of course, I want something interesting to do when that happens, too! I also admit to sometimes missing my exciting, dynamic job that involved lots of international travel. As it is, I've been "stuck" (in inverted commas, because it has been great!) in the same city for years. I also miss intelligent adult conversation sometimes, but perhaps that is also because I am single.

OP, if you LOVE kids and babies, have you ever thought of becoming a midwife? That is certainly a very necessary and fulfilling job that requires your skills as a mother too. And studying to become a midwife is, I imagine, really nice. The hours might be problematic though. Just a thought - and one I have been toying around with for myself as well.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *septmommy* 
I was so afraid that posting this would start the stay at home vs working mom debate that I almost did not start this thread. I am in no way questioning whether or not being a stay at home mom is "BEST". There are parents of all incomes, work scenarios, religions, ethnicities, schools of thought, etc that produce amazing people. It is my belief that as long as children are truly loved then they have a great fighting chance no matter what choices their parents make. I hope we don't fall into that debate as it is such a drain on energy and only serves to upset people. I'm not asking should being just a mom be enough, but rather, can it be? The responses have opened my eyes to the EVENTUAL need to have more. So simple, but something I personally neglected to think forward to. So thank you to everyone who responded, it has really been helpful.

I come from a family where no one has had just one career that they pursue from day one to retirement/death. Heck, we don't know what retirement means!







My dad as been a carpenter/contractor, an electrical engineer, a RV mechanic/repair man, and now in his 80s, he still works on RV as a paying hobby. My mom was a sahm until my brother was in high school. She then started volunteering at Head Start, got her child development certificate at the community college and was hired as a Head Start teacher. She quit that when they bought the RV repair business and ran that. My sister has been a private dressmaker, a sample seamstress for a clothing designer, seamstress for a theater, and now does interior design. My brother started out as a gas and diesel mechanic. Got interested in rebuilding historic houses and replication. That has become his business. My dh has gone from one job to another until he found his calling in caring for developmentally handicapped adults.

I was a sahm/wahm for almost 13 years. But when Joy and Erica decided to go to school instead of homeschooling, I went back to woh. At first pt, later ft. When Dylan was born, circumstances dictated that I continue being a wohm. I would have felt very selfish asking dh to give up his low paying calling and the girls curtailing their dreams just so I could sah. By the time Dylan was born, we had 1 girl in college, one in high school, and one in middle school. Dylan thrived in dc. I think that dc was a good choice and fit for him. Being an "only" child was not a good choice; he loved the natural chaos of having lots of other children close to his age around him that he had in his family dc. I did change my career path from selling sewing machines to bridal alterations at a shop that was way more family friendly.

You will always be a mom but your role as a mom is changing as it should. Being a mother of an infant, a toddler, a school age child, a teen, a college age child, and lastly being the mother of an adult who is, herself, a mom, are not the same. And we moms must change and adjust to the different ages of our children. Or we run the very real risk of damaging our children by not allowing them to grow and mature and damaging our continued relationship with them. I read here on Mothering.com of posters lamenting that their parents (especially their moms) not letting them make decisions; of their moms not seeing that they are adults capable of making good decisions for their children. I've seen it irl in the relationship of my childrens friends and their parents because the parents don't allow their children to exercise independence as teens. Instead they impose greater control over their teens causing the teens to rebel even more. It works both ways. Don't become that mom or mil.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

i hate how i have to leave my dd in the care of 'strangers' while i go to work. some of you are lucky. you have family and thus your child has many mothers.
When I did childcare in my home, one of the kids who came called me "Mama Lizzy." I loved that her parents made me feel like I was part of their extended family, one of the people who was raising her.


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## Super~Single~Mama (Sep 23, 2008)

I just want to second the idea of looking at community colleges - they are awesome! They also have a very wide range of students - from high school to elderly. I went as a high school student to finish my high school credits (thank you running start!) and it was a great experience. I learned alot, and had great professors to boot!


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

You have 6 children who still need you. I never could understand what SAHMs did all day long. Then I became one. I can really see the difference. Especially when a 14 yr old girl who has no other adult to talk to, comes to me, someone she barely knows, she talks to. I had more impact on her in the few times she was here, than in the many times her parents were absent. This was not the first time this sort of thing has happened. Plus, I see kids who cause a lot of troubles, whose parents rarely see them or know them, who just say "not my kid." But they do not know their child!

If you want to do something during the day, while they are at school anyway, or volunteer at the school, that is what I would do. Or take classes during the day.

"Just" being mom is plenty. Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

My boys have fulfilled my life. Our family became complete almost 6 months ago when my youngest was born. I am a full time working mother and I have a college degree. I've never really used my degree except to actually GET a job and that's it. What I do now has nothing to do with my degree. But I work because I have to (right now). I'm not sure what I would do outside of work if I didnt' have my kids. Being a MOM is apart of my identity and I can't imagine life otherwise. To do things outside of being a MOM, I do enjoy - working out, art classes, running in races, etc., But those things also help me strive to be a better person and therefore, a better MOM.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sewchris2642* 
I read here on Mothering.com of posters lamenting that their parents (especially their moms) not letting them make decisions; of their moms not seeing that they are adults capable of making good decisions for their children.

I may very well have been one of the posters you read saying that.









I've been thinking about meemee's post about cultures where children grow up with many mothers -- and also about VisionaryMom's post about not always being able to trust all those others to mother our children in the way that we want them mothered.

And I realize that a big part of my adoption of Attachment Parenting, and also of Radical Unschoooling, has been a reaction to having my trust in my own immediate community broken -- well-meaning as these people were, it's just wrong not to trust children to know when they are hungry and when they are full, and it's wrong not to trust children to know how they would like to spend their time.

As I grew into adulthood, I realized that I really and truly did love learning -- I just hated being forced to learn on someone else's timetable in school. I also learned that I wasn't whiny and manipulative just because I wanted to receive love, affection, cuddling, and holding beyond the infant years.

When I became a mom myself, it was intensely important to me to succeed at breastfeeding even though the first few weeks were very challenging. I quickly realized that I needed to put some distance between me and my mom or she'd have my baby drinking formula from bottles, and possibly even rejecting my breast, likety-split. My mom was that concerned about the "inadequacy" of exclusive breastfeeding.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe this is where all the extremes come in -- extremes like "either" you are a stay at home mom who takes pride in mothering and homemaking and wants to do nothing else -- "or" you are a high-powered career woman who leaves her children in the care of "strangers" in order to pursue her own goals.

I simply think that many (though certainly not all) of us at MDC have embraced our parenting philosophies as a reaction to things we didn't like about our own mainstream upbringings -- things that possibly broke our trust in our own communities of origin.

Whereas, in the kinds of communities meemee was talking about, the mothers were raised with lots of mothering, love, affection, and also personal freedom to explore the world and make their own choices.

They weren't made to wean from the in-arms stage before they were ready, nor were they micro-managed and made to eat when they weren't hungry, or forced into activities because it was seen as unhealthy for them to have so much time on their hands, or to spend so much time daydreaming or what-have-you.

I think mothers who grew up in environments where their communications were listened to and trusted are simply a lot more likely to trust in their extended families when they become mothers themselves. And then their children get to benefit from having many mothers, and then these mothers don't see their own lives as so "either-or."

They can stay home if and for as long as this works out, and they can branch out when they feel the time is right without feeling that they're leaving their children with strangers.

For those of us who had our trust broken in our communities of origin, I still think it's possible for us to build new communities that we can trust -- but it just takes time and effort, and I'll be the first to admit that I haven't succeeded yet.


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Lisa1970 said:


> You have 6 children who still need you. I never could understand what SAHMs did all day long. Then I became one. I can really see the difference. Especially when a 14 yr old girl who has no other adult to talk to, comes to me, someone she barely knows, she talks to. I had more impact on her in the few times she was here, than in the many times her parents were absent. This was not the first time this sort of thing has happened. Plus, I see kids who cause a lot of troubles, whose parents rarely see them or know them, who just say "not my kid." But they do not know their child!
> 
> If you want to do something during the day, while they are at school anyway, or volunteer at the school, that is what I would do. Or take classes during the day.
> 
> ...


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Busymama77 -- you are so right!







But I don't think this discussion should necessarily be confined to the SAHM forum. I think ALL of us have valuable insights into this matter.

I would love to move into a more "seamless" way of life, where we stop seeing such a disconnect between home and work, and between mothering and women's empowerment. It doesn't have to be either/or. It can be both/and (I didn't invent this concept, I'm not sure who did).

So many of us have been living in this false dichotomy wherein investing in one part of our lives means taking away from something else. We really can move into wholeness, and of course this is going to mean different things for different families. It's not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing.

I'm all for encouraging everyone, including the OP, to embark on their own journey of self-discovery. We are "enough." We don't need to do or achieve anything else in order to be more "enough." Enough is just enough, period. Once you know that you're enough, you can lovingly move into interacting with the world in the ways that bring the most joy to yourself and those around you.

This may mean continuing to do what you're already doing. It may mean taking up something new. Just stay open and alive! Rest assured that you are already enough, and live happy!


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
Busymama77 -- you are so right!







But I don't think this discussion should necessarily be confined to the SAHM forum. I think ALL of us have valuable insights into this matter.

I would love to move into a more "seamless" way of life, where we stop seeing such a disconnect between home and work, and between mothering and women's empowerment. It doesn't have to be either/or. It can be both/and (I didn't invent this concept, I'm not sure who did).

So many of us have been living in this false dichotomy wherein investing in one part of our lives means taking away from something else. We really can move into wholeness, and of course this is going to mean different things for different families. It's not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing.

I'm all for encouraging everyone, including the OP, to embark on their own journey of self-discovery. We are "enough." We don't need to do or achieve anything else in order to be more "enough." Enough is just enough, period. Once you know that you're enough, you can lovingly move into interacting with the world in the ways that bring the most joy to yourself and those around you.

This may mean continuing to do what you're already doing. It may mean taking up something new. Just stay open and alive! Rest assured that you are already enough, and live happy!

I really like how you put everything. Well said, mama! And yes, I know it shouldn't be confined to one forum, but I was a bit bothered by what Lisa1970 said and felt that it didn't belong in this post.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

i am sorry but i hate to see how we are evolving.
I have issues with particular parts of our culture, in particular American workaholic culture, but overall, I really love the quality of life I enjoy. I've lived in countries near and with hunter-gatherers and nice as it is to be near children all the time, when you bury about 20% of your children before they reach adolescence and get frostbite while you sleep... yeah, that sucks.

I also think the hunter-gatherer/agrarian/industrial dichotomy and generalizations are just as false as the WOHM/SAHM dichotomies. Some children of WOHMs see their parents for as many hours a day as those in tribes. Some at least see a grandparent all day.

To Mammal Mama, I see your point now. I do think that there is too much diversity amongst hunter-gatherers to generalize about how "they" do things, though. Of course parents are with their children more--but they are also with adult children and cousins more. And they do a lot of other things, like marrying women out of the tribe through arranged marriages, that are necessary, that we don't do.

Doesn't mean it is always helpful to suggest this as a model for us, you know? We enjoy a higher standard of living (by which I mean, children are hundreds of times less likely t die before the age of five, and we suffer a lot less pain in general) precisely because of the division of labor.

There could definitely be more balance in our lives and I am committed to staying at home until my children can enjoy day-care long enough for me to work. But I'm under no illusions that my situation is somehow more natural than that of a WOHM.

A WOHM maximizes her competitive advantage and specializes and lets her children benefit from being with the tribal group of kids. They might be with her less than children of a SAHM or a hunter-gatherer's children would be with their parent, but they still see her for many hours.

A SAHM is more involved with her children during the day but unless she's exceptionally lucky she misses a lot of the social input that most hunter-gatherers get throughout the day. Her kids are in a truly unique and modern relationship with her, a somewhat bilateral thing that never existed with hunter-gatherers.

So that is why I don't think it's useful to talk about a lot of these concepts as if they were even nearly universal amongst pre-agrarian people, or to apply them to us today.

Better to talk about attachment for what it is, and how it can exist across cultures. Different kinds of attachment are equally valid.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 

"Just" being mom is plenty. Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (*of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents*).


The bolded part makes no sense. You're basically saying that dads (because, let's face it . .. they're usually the ones woh ft) are always "full time parents" but moms are only full time parents if they SAH? A dad who woh FT who only sees his kid 10 or 20 hours a week is ok, but not a mom? Or even reversed if there's a sahd? So . .. really, the only family structure that works for you is that there's a SAHP and a FT woh parent? That leaves out quite a lot of the families out there. ... which is pretty horrible!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *septmommy* 
My mother is insistent that being a mom is not enough to satisfy my own soul, but it really is.

I don't think anyone is qualified to tell somebody _else_ what can or will satisfy their own soul.

I can see where there are valid concerns (yours, your mom's, and other posters) about being able to support yourself, etc. That's another issue entirely from whether or not being a mom is enough to _satisfy_ you.

I have no answers for you. I honestly thought that I'd go back to school in my mid-30s, having sent my four kids off to school, and also having discovered my passion. Well - I didn't even _have_ my second child until I was almost 35, and I never have discovered my passion. There are things I enjoy and things that interest me a bit, but I don't have a passion in the "this is what I want to do with my life" sense. If something happened to dh and/or our marriage, then I'd have to go out and get a job. It wouldn't pay well. I've btdt, and I can live with it, but I would feel bad for my kids.

I guess if you do have concerns about paying bills, then maybe the idea of getting some formal education in ECE would be a good place to start. Other than that, I've got nothing...


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EdnaMarie* 
I also think the hunter-gatherer/agrarian/industrial dichotomy and generalizations are just as false as the WOHM/SAHM dichotomies.

I think you are right about this. And I also wasn't advocating for us all to become hunter-gatherers. The Earth certainly couldn't support the hunter-gatherer lifestyle if it were adopted by a large proportion of the current population, anyway.

I find it useful to learn from other cultures because I think every culture has something valuable to offer. In our own modern culture, I see it as very positive that we're not so likely to blame natural disasters on anyone's "sin," or to, for example, think we need to sacrifice some people every year in order to appease the gods and have a good crop yield.

I think our ability to analyze and use the scientific method is one very positive outgrowth of some developments that were awful in other ways, i.e. in the sense of large numbers of people spending their lives in slave labor, or very low-paid labor, so that the fortunate few could lead lives of leisure or pursue whatever courses of study piqued their curiousity.

Some of the fortunate few developed wonderful technological advancements, so I can't say that I wish none of this ever happened. I just think we are now living in an age where we can literally pick and choose and craft the world views, and lifestyles, that seem truest to us and that work best for us and our families.

We can learn a tremendous amount from other people groups -- but this certainly doesn't mean that we have to give up the positive aspects of our own cultures and become just like them. Rather than idealizing, we can just listen, observe, discuss, synthesize, and learn.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I also wanted to add that I think one positive aspect of our current technological revolution, and corresponding economic crisis, is that there will be more and more of a shift from working in an office to working at home.

It saves employers a tremendous amount of overhead cost -- and it also saves employees the cost and time-investment of driving to and from work and keeping up a professional wardrobe.

Not to mention that all our "water cooler breaktime chit chat" is with our families.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

So, in a sense, our technical revolution may be brining us full-circle -- back to a more family-friendly way of life.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I also wanted to add that I think one positive aspect of our current technological revolution, and corresponding economic crisis, is that there will be more and more of a shift from working in an office to working at home.

It saves employers a tremendous amount of overhead cost -- and it also saves employees the cost and time-investment of driving to and from work and keeping up a professional wardrobe.

Not to mention that all our "water cooler breaktime chit chat" is with our families.









There is that, but at least in our family it means higher housing costs. I don't know if that is a widespread problem for WAHPs or not.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

Quote:

So, in a sense, our technical revolution may be brining us full-circle -- back to a more family-friendly way of life.
I agree with this. Before the so-called technical revolution (personal computers; internet; etc.), my profession was relegated strictly to an office. I have a lot of freedom and flexibility as a result of technology. I think it puts me in a much better position than I would have been, say, 15 to 20 years ago. It is funny, but a lot of the old-schoolers in my profession still haven't made the mental leap. Not to be morbid, but once they have retired, the dynamic will change even more.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolar2* 
There is that, but at least in our family it means higher housing costs. I don't know if that is a widespread problem for WAHPs or not.

Yes, we are running our computers a lot more now, and we are also needing a second phone line because of a one-to-two hour overlap where dh and I are both on the phone and both our employers want us to use land lines.

In March I'm going to switch my availabilities to early mornings (I had set my availabilities for a year in advance and actually have some lessons scheduled in those middle-of-the-night time slots all the way into March), so after March we shouldn't have any overlap, but we might hang onto the second line just so we'll have it if dh's schedule gets changed down the line (I get to set my own availabilities, but his hours are set by his employer).

Anyhow, in our case dh was having to drive 45 minutes to an hour each way when he was working outside the home. We live in the city, but most of the employment opportunities are located in the suburbs. So there was the gas cost, plus if anything went wrong with our car it had to be fixed pronto or he couldn't get to work.

It means a lot to us not to have the transportation-related cost and stress, not to mention just being able to wear "whatever." Just so you'll know, the next time you are dealing with someone trying to collect a bill payment from you, maybe you can give yourself a smile by picturing them sitting at home in their underwear. Chances are, they might be doing exacly that.









ETA: Dh isn't actually calling people to collect their payments, but he's there to help the people who are calling in to make arrangements and work out how they are going to pay their bills in order to keep their service.


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## sewchris2642 (Feb 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
You have 6 children who still need you. I never could understand what SAHMs did all day long. Then I became one. I can really see the difference. Especially when a 14 yr old girl who has no other adult to talk to, comes to me, someone she barely knows, she talks to. I had more impact on her in the few times she was here, than in the many times her parents were absent. This was not the first time this sort of thing has happened. Plus, I see kids who cause a lot of troubles, whose parents rarely see them or know them, who just say "not my kid." But they do not know their child!

If you want to do something during the day, while they are at school anyway, or volunteer at the school, that is what I would do. Or take classes during the day.

"Just" being mom is plenty. Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).

You know, I was a sahm for 13 years and most of the day wasn't spent in being a mom. Except for when they were infants. The mornings were taken up with homeschooling but the afternoons were mine. They napped/rested then went to play with their friends. Same when I was a child. Except I went to school. As for having someone other than mom to talk to for teens, I think that it's a good thing. I'm glad that my dds had our neighbor to talk over things with. She was closer in age to them and, maybe more importantly, wasn't their mom. I performed the same role for some of my dds' friends.

I respectfully disagree with your final paragraph. Dylan things that he has awesome parents. And that's the opinion I value, not an anonymous poster on a message board. His dc provider didn't make decisions for him, wasn't legally responsible for him. His dad and I were/are. When providers pay for medical, dental, decide on education, where to live, what to eat, and all the other minutia that goes into raising a child, then I will agree that they are raising that child. I also dispute your 10-12 hours out of a week. There are 168 hours in a week and the average child is in dc for about 30-35 hours a week. Yes, a good chunk of that time is spend asleep. But if you don't count the hours asleep at home, then you can't count the hours asleep at dc. No matter how the hours are counted, children are with their parents more than they are at dc. And they are at school almost (more for some children) as much as they are at dc. Whether or not parents send their children to dc (or pre-school for that matter) is totally up to them and their children. 2 of our children went to dc (the same dc for that matter; she has been in business for well over 26 years) and 2 did not. And you know, they all say that we have been great parents. None of them think that dc raised them. DC is not evil. There are fantastic dcs and there are horrible dcs and everything in between. Just as there are fantastic parents and there are horrible parents and everything in between. Or schools, doctors, lawyers, or any other category.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

Quote:

No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).
I completely disagree.

Being a parent means having a kid and supporting them. I don't think "parent" is a verb and I don't think it's conditional on minutes spent making eye-contact. I do not think a single mom working her butt off at two jobs to make sure they stay out of debt and she can finish school so her kids can see a light at the end of the tunnel is any less of a parent than, well, for example, me. No way. That would be basically to tell my own mom, "You weren't as much as a mom to me as your mom was to you."

Her mom had seven kids. Most parents back in the day had so many kids they spent less time with each child (and most walkers were out playing all day anyway) than even working parents do today!

And again... you can say some are "good" parents (if you want... I would never say that) and some are "bad", depending on their social class (poor families have two working parents, tough titties, right?) but they are all 100% parents.

And no matter who is working, both the WOHP and the SAHP are partners in parenting.

(Oh, and sometimes that "something more important"? Food.)


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).

I usual won't participate in the Mommy Wars, but your post is quite jaw dropping. It's non-sensical at best, completely offensive at worst.

Do you have any friends who have children who work outside the home? If so, I sincerely hope you have shared your opinion with them. They deserve to know how you view them.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
"Just" being mom is plenty. Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).


But, it DOES sound horrible. And, it's just plain wrong. It's nice that your family can live off of what your husband makes, but not everybody can. We are responsible for our children, but we are also responsible to pay our bills, try to afford our health care, pay our taxes.. Your ideals just don't work for most families today. I think many of us wish it did though.


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Eventually, it will stop being enough.

i don't know about this... i am sure for many this is 100% true, but for some being a mom is the be all end all, and they are 100% satisfied to be "just a mom" forever. my MIL is one of those women. she was and still is 100% satisfied being a mom.

after spending years being a mom as well as an RN, i have to say that my passion for mothering is so very much more then it ever was being a nurse, and now that i am a SAHM 100% of the time, i feel like this is here i was suppose to be all along. i feel so blessed that i am able to do this every single day. and if some magic fairy came and took away my nursing career i wouldn't give a hoot at all.

Ok i have yet to read the whole thread so i will go do that now. lol but OP you need to do what works for you right now. until you find something that speaks to you, then you might be unhappy and feel like you wasted that money for nothing. school will always be there and since you have a trust fund... well heck! you can pay for it then too.

h


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## mamaofthree (Jun 5, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 

"Just" being mom is plenty. Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).

this does come across as really harsh. having been one of those WOHM for years on and off, i would never say i was less of a mom because of it. i was blessed with a career that allowed me to have a very flexible schedule, but i was still gone. and i am not sure i get why if one person works and one stays home that WOHP is parenting 100% but if both are WOHP then they are not. all of them are doing what they can to care for their kids.

h


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## grniys (Aug 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nextcommercial* 
Eventually, it will stop being enough.

You will want something else. Something that's yours only. Maybe something that's only yours and your husband's. It could be anything from enjoying fitness to off road racing. But, it probably won't include your children. Or anybody's children.

But, when it's time, you will know it. And, when you start to feel like you need something else, go for it. If you don't take advantage at that time, you can't blame anybody. I hear SOOOO many women my age complain that their kids or their husband never let them do *insert activity* When in reality, usually we choose NOT to do it. If you ever get to the point that you are afraid that you are "wasting years", then do something about it.

While you are happy being a mom, then be happy with that! It was the best years of my life. You will know when it's no longer enough.

I just wanted to say this is a really beautiful post to me. This is pretty much the point I'm at and why I'm going back to school. I realized as much as I love my kids and love being a SAHM, I need to do this for me. I'm struggling with the guilt, but my dh is very supportive. And, while I hate that I'll be older than most of the students I'll be graduating with, I'd rather be older with my degree(s) than without them.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Lisa1970* 
No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent.


I've found that my being a better mom is positively correlated with the amount of time I spend away from my boys.







Personally, I'd rather be away from my boys during the day while I'm at school/work and actually ENJOY being around them and cherishing every moment with them more than feeling stuck and resentful because I'm a SAHM. I get that not every mom feels like I do, but not every mom is cut out for being a SAHM. And it doesn't make them any less of a parent for that. IMO, recognizing what you need to do to be a better parent (in my case, doing something for myself and getting a career and not being a SAHM) and then doing it is way more important than the amount of time you spend with you kids.

I tend to believe that it's the quality of time you spend with your children, not the quantity.

To the OP, don't let anyone make you feel like you "should" be doing anything, be it school or stay home or what not. Do what you think you should. If it's best for you and your kids, then go for it. But like other posters have said, it doesn't hurt to be able to support yourself and your kids, either.


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