# Do you allow siblings to say "I hate you" to one another?



## bethanyclaire (Dec 17, 2004)

This came up recently at a family gathering and it got me thinking...

I've seen quite a few kids lately who seem to regularly say "I hate you" to their siblings... even going as far as to talk about which of their siblings they "hate the most." I'm not talking about once or twice during a heated argument (which I think many kids do at one point or another) but on a consistent basis. What upset me more, I think, was the serious tone they used when they said it (i.e. it was not yelled out of anger but spoken in a matter-of-fact tone like it was just simple fact) and also the fact that this went ignored by their parents. The ages have varied from a 2 year old (which surprises me less) to an 8 year old, with a variety of ages in between. This also happens in a close friend's family with her DD1 (age 12) saying how much she hates DD2 (7).

My kids are far from perfect, to be sure, but this isn't something I really have to face with them. Am I just lucky? I'm not saying those words have never been uttered in my house... but they were quite a bit younger and it was said out of anger. I sat down and talked with them about what a family is, what that means and how we should treat each other. I explained that family members take care of each other and we talked about how to handle family situations that make us feel frustrated, mad or sad.... without name-calling or saying hurtful things. DS and DD have a very close relationship anyway, so that seemed to put an end to the issue.

Anyway, DS later told me he didn't understand why the other kids kept saying "I hate you" to their brothers and sisters. I could tell it upset him and we talked about it (and also about the fact that that is THEIR family and they are entitled to have their own rules and make their own choices, and those choices weren't ours to make nor were they really our business).

So, do you allow your kids to say they hate their siblings? Why or why not? I can understand not wanting them to feel like they have to hide their feelings and encouraging them to speak freely... but where do you draw the line?


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## ~PurityLake~ (Jul 31, 2005)

I had to vote other because they have never said this to each other.

They usually play well together, and help each other, and generally are completely in love with each other. However, if one does something the other one doesn't like (such as getting too rough), first the offended one tells the other to stop it, and if they don't listen, they're told, 'you're making me angry because you're not listening to me!!' which then becomes, 'MOMMY!! Sophia won't stop it.' And I take over at that point and help Sophia (or Abigail) calm down.

Now, Abigail has told me she hates ME. I helped her figure out her feelings and taught her which words to use instead of that. She said she hated me, but still loved me, and I found out what she meant was that when I told her no to a request, she was angry at me, but still loved me.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

We don't even allow the word "hate" in our home. Like, they can't say, "I hate spinach." It's just not a word in our household vocabulary.


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## Ofwait (Feb 16, 2008)

I both actively discourage it and enforce it.

They pick up words from everywhere the neighbors, radio etc, but some things are neight appropriate or nice to say even though some people do it anyway.


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## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

this is one of the few things they could say that would spring me into action. we do not spew hate in this house. There are also a few other choiuce phrases they are never allowed to say.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

We hate things not people. You can hate something a person does. I hate when you yell at me is different than I hate you.


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## just_lily (Feb 29, 2008)

I only have one kid for now, but no I wouldn't allow that. Siblings or not, it is rude and unneccesary.

I can just hear my mother's voice in my head. "We don't hate people... we just dislike some of the things that they do." I heard that a LOT growing up, and I will likely repeat it ad nauseum myself.


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## emaye_to_2 (Jan 16, 2008)

I voted "No, absolutely not". We don't talk like that to each other. My 3-yo daughter often growls and frowns and says "Marcus, I'm so angry with you right now".


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

This has only come up a few times, always with ds2. When he says, "I hate you" to his sister, it's in the heat of the moment. We then have a talk about what he really means, and does he hate her, or is he angry at her. So far, this has _always_ resulted in ds2 reaching the conclusion that he loves his big sister, but is very angry at her. He's also said it to me and to dh a couple of times - same thing.

I don't disallow it, but I do help him to explore what he's really feeling and more accurate ways to express it. If he did/does hate one of us, then I'd be more concerned about the emotion he's feeling than about his word choice when expressing it.

(I handle it pretty much the same way when he says someone or something is "stupid".)


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I certainly wouldn't like it, but I think that sometimes kids have really strong feelings, and thoughts we might not like will come out. I just don't see how you control something like this beyond a certain age. I think if someone is using the word hate in the context of seriously impaired relationships, that warrants further exploration in order to help. But people do have strong emotions-hate, anger, jealousy, etc. are all part of that. I think that sibling relationships can be fairly intense, esp. as kids get older, so I'm not sure that you can really legislate how your child feels or expresses themselves.

ETA: I guess I'm also wondering, what are folks afraid of, or concerned about, with the use of this word, and a young child expressing it?


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## fwlady (May 11, 2009)

We absolutely do not allow this kind of nastiness either. Unfortunately, with so many different personalities, I can see where the word may be more appropriate. I have always told the kids that we may dislike what someone is doing, but we don't say things that hurt others feelings, and "I hate you" DEF hurts.

I do think that my 3rd child may hate her younger sister. They are just over 3 yrs apart (our biggest gap), and she has always loathed this younger child. I don't know where it comes from, except that my 3rd child is extremely negative. She can be a happy child, but she is just the cup is half empty kind of kid. I have spent time with her, done special things with her, the same as the others when they are having a difficult time. She has ALWAYS talked early and has a wide vocabulary. So, I know there isn't a language barrier. She tends to lash out at our oldest son too. So, it is like there is a personality clash with more than one person in the house. But, she can be nice to her big brother. Her little sister. Yeah, right. She has told her when they are alone that she hates her. And, since #4 is very sensitive (albeit a bit immature for her age) and affectionate little girl, this could just be a way that #3 has discovered that she can have control over another human being. This third child can also be VERY generous to her older sister, and very sensitive to others' needs. It is the strangest dynamic. It is like she has 2 personalities. I have another child somewhat like that as well.

An older lady told me that I have a bad attitude towards my third child. She won't help, or do her chores right, and we let it go for years because there was no good way to get her to help. It was just easier for me to do it or ask someone else. It is amazing though. Yesterday, she cleaned the van better than my 14yo!! She has cleaned her room better than her sister. She has to have internal motivation, because the external has NEVER helped.

Maybe I will pay her to be kind to her sibling and it will become habit.









I tell the kids all the time, we don't kick, hit, swear at, call names, or say I hate you to the ones we love. LOL I guess the jokes on me, because I can't say for sure that all the children love each other. For the most part, they are all pretty close, but there are def some clashing that goes on. Kymberli


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## pauletoy (Aug 26, 2007)

We do not allow that at all, no way.


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## FiveLittleMonkeys (Jan 21, 2009)

Hate is not something that is tolerated in this house.

However, even with the kids being older, I've yet to hear any of them say that they hated each other. They've always been (fairly) kind to their siblings. Annoyed? Sure. But hate? Never.

Kids may have strong feelings, but words cut deep, and leave lasting impressions.


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

No way. I know they feel it at times so I understand them having that emotion..._*I strongly urge*_ them to voice their _*annoyance*_ in a different way.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I have never heard either of my kids say it to each other thank goodness. But I wouldnt allow it at all.


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## fairymom (Sep 15, 2008)

I put other- I hate when they do it and tell them to stop and why we don't BUT I can't MAKE them not say it! that's not possible! and yes I do give them words when they are younger and help them identify their feelings but sometimes in anger people say hurtful things.

You can't MAKE anyone do anything- you can only set the example and correct. You also can't take away their feelings and have to let them have theirs.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness* 
We don't even allow the word "hate" in our home. Like, they can't say, "I hate spinach." It's just not a word in our household vocabulary.

Exactly, so it hasn't come up in our home (also we have taught our children to say "This spinach is not for me" instead of saying "I hate spinach"). Our children are mostly around Japanese children so this word isn't used too much in their lives. There have been times when they've been around American children who use this word for everything. . .and we've had to have a talk about the word and explain that it isn't used in our home. Sometimes when my children are mad at each other they tell each other "you're not my sister (brother) anymore"







but they definitely don't use the "hate" word


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## mata (Apr 20, 2006)

It would upset me to hear it, and we'd be having a talk about it if I did. So far I haven't heard it. But if I did, I do understand to them it might not have the power it does with me-and kids do feel explosive at times-but of course that's a time to teach them about the power of words, saying what we feel/mean (instead of I HATE YOU, I feel sad, mad, etc.)


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## Cavy (Aug 21, 2009)

I don't like making a big deal out of a word.
I voted 'I don't like it but I don't enforce it'.
If I hear them saying things like that I tell them it's not nice, I ask them to calm down or I ask why they are so angry. But I don't like focusing on the exact word(s).

4-letter and similar swear words are banned in our household, mind. I told DC that I expect them to use better language, more precise words, etc. Swear words are almost only for unimaginative people. Where I live some families use the F- and S-Words (and worse) all the time







.


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## ChetMC (Aug 27, 2005)

I didn't really know how to vote.

Hate is not a word that gets used often. When it does get used we typically talk about whether hate was really the right word for the situation. So if one child says "I hate you" to a sibling I might suggest that what they mean is, "I didn't want you play that way, and I'm really angry now."

Hate isn't a banned word. I hate some stuff. DH hates some stuff. I just don't want our kids to get into the habit of using the word casually, or in place of more saying something more specific about what they need, or want, or how they feel.


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## AFWife (Aug 30, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness* 
We don't even allow the word "hate" in our home. Like, they can't say, "I hate spinach." It's just not a word in our household vocabulary.

This.

I voted the way it was in my house (because my little guy can't talk yet) but yeah..."hate" wasn't something we were allowed to use. I remember I'd been watching Bugs And Daffy cartoons and my mom and I were playing and I turned and said, "I hate you" like Daffy would say to Bugs...I got sent to my room and my mom later came in and explained why we didn't say that. It was just never something that we were allowed to do. We said a lot of things to each other (and still do) but, even now that we're adults, "hate" isn't something we say even joking around.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
We hate things not people. You can hate something a person does. I hate when you yell at me is different than I hate you.

That.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I voted I allow it with no restrictions . . . of course I don't LIKE it, but I remember growing up in a house where my mom actively discouraged me from using the word "hate," and all it did was make me feel even more strongly about whatever (or whomever) I was talking about in the moment.

My son is going through a phase where he hates everyone and everyone at various times . . . "I HATE that smell," and "I HATE Rylie" are pretty equally common. He's 3.5, and it's his way of expressing displeasure over something or someone that bothers him. He'll outgrow it just like he outgrew mispronouncing certain words and saying "brrr" instead of "cold," and all the other language quirks he's had over the years -- as his vocabulary advances, he'll come up with better ways to express himself.

My daughter saves her "I hate Ronin!!"s for moments when she really is angry. Sometimes, I'll sympathize and say, "I know he's really frustrating you right now," but mostly, I just let her get it out. Hate doesn't have to be a permanent condition, but stifling it when you feel it isn't going to make things any better.


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## jennydecki (Jun 8, 2009)

I voted "No. Absolutely not."

While I believe my kids should work out most of their own sibling issues, hate is a big deal. When I hear it, I sit the kids down and we do our "team family" chant and talk about how you can't be a team if there is hate in your heart.

Martial arts class has helped because now we end with the martial arts saying, "I promise - to be a good person - with knowledge in my mind - kindness in my heart - strength in my body - and I make good friends!" (They *love* it!)

Sometimes I feel more like a coach than a mom


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *treemom2* 
Sometimes when my children are mad at each other they tell each other "you're not my sister (brother) anymore"







but they definitely don't use the "hate" word









DS2 sometimes says, "I don't want a sister", or "I don't want dd1 in our family, anymore". I'd rather hear "I hate you", to be honest. Either way, we talk about it. It all translates into "I'm really mad at her".


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

No. If they say they hate someone (I can't actually recall them ever doing this) or something, I'll ask them to express what they dislike, or what bothers them.

It's all about acknowledging the strong feeling, expressing that there is a problem, and defining and exploring that problem - and solutions.


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## ann_of_loxley (Sep 21, 2007)

Not there yet.
Whilst its not something I like, I am not totally sure what I would do.
I would like to think that my children can freely express their feelings though and have them validated. As I don't punish, im not sure how I could say I could 'not allow' them to say such a thing. If it ever came up, it would certainly be something we talk about though. Hopefully I can give my children a better vocabulary to express their feelings, whilst still validating them and letting them know that their feelings are theres and perfectly 'okay' to have.
As it is, my son is nearly four, and I have never ever heard him use that word at all towards any other person/object/thing in life.


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## inkslinger (May 29, 2009)

It's a big deal here, we don't use the word 'hate'


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## pink gal (Feb 27, 2008)

Originally posted by *Five Little Monkeys* Kids may have strong feelings, but words cut deep, and leave lasting impressions.[/QUOTE]

This is something that we reiterate frequently with our kids. The words you say impact the people you say them to long after they are said. Our goal is always to build one another up.

It's fine to say "I'm really angry with you" or " I don't want to be with you right now", or words that express feelings without cutting the sibling to the quick.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pink gal* 
It's fine to say "I'm really angry with you" or " I don't want to be with you right now", or words that express feelings without cutting the sibling to the quick.

Yeah, but...dd1 knows that when ds2 says "I hate you", he _means_ "I'm angry at you". She's not cut to the quick, although she's usually mad, too.


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## oceanbaby (Nov 19, 2001)

I've told them that they can feel however they want, but they need to keep those hurtful feelings to themselves.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

No, absolutely not (if I know about it that is). My children are a bit older so I'm sure I don't know about everything that is said between them.







I sometimes let them resolve arguments and such. But as far as "I hate you" - I've never heard it out of either of their mouths.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Yeah, but...dd1 knows that when ds2 says "I hate you", he _means_ "I'm angry at you". She's not cut to the quick, although she's usually mad, too.

It's the same way between my kids . . . likely because when one is feeling it, the other is feeling it, too. Neither of them have hurt feelings about it, and they're typically back to getting along and playing well together soon after.

I don't know . . . plenty of people hate me in a more serious, lasting way than my kids mean when they say it to each other, and that doesn't bother me. Why should their fleeting angry feelings leave any kind of lasting impression on them?


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## A&A (Apr 5, 2004)

Not to be dense, but I'm not sure what "enforce it" means in this context. We would talk about how bad that makes the sibling feel.


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## bethanyclaire (Dec 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Not to be dense, but I'm not sure what "enforce it" means in this context. We would talk about how bad that makes the sibling feel.

I meant "enforce it" to be whatever manner the family uses to "enforce" anything. For my family, that means stopping what we are doing, sitting down together and talking about the incident. Depending on the level of emotional upset, I might talk to the kids separately or talk to them together. If one is really, really angry I would be inclined to talk to that child first, alone, about what made them feel so angry and let them take some time to calm down. If it wasn't in a moment of extreme anger (which hasn't happened to us thus far) I would sit and talk to them together.

"Enforcing" means different things to different families, so that is what I chose to say instead of using the word "punish." Enforcing (or maybe reinforcing would be a better word choice...) sounds less punitive to me. For us, something is enforced by responding consistently each and every time until the issue is understood... even if that just means sitting together quietly and talking.

HTH!









Also, I've loved reading all the responses so far... so many different opinions and everyone has given me lots to consider!


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness* 
We don't even allow the word "hate" in our home. Like, they can't say, "I hate spinach." It's just not a word in our household vocabulary.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *treemom2* 
Exactly, so it hasn't come up in our home (also we have taught our children to say "This spinach is not for me" instead of saying "I hate spinach"). Our children are mostly around Japanese children so this word isn't used too much in their lives. There have been times when they've been around American children who use this word for everything. . .and we've had to have a talk about the word and explain that it isn't used in our home. Sometimes when my children are mad at each other they tell each other "you're not my sister (brother) anymore"







but they definitely don't use the "hate" word









I really, really don't get why saying "I hate spinach" is a bad thing? If something IS hated, why is it wrong to say it?


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## medicmama (May 5, 2006)

We don't allow the "I hate you" term they are not allowed to say it to us or anyone else!

I also do not hover over them and it comes to my attention later down the line....so and so says they hate me. so it happens,and when it does we have them appologize.

They do get to say "I hate red shirts" and we try to get them to say dislike instead.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
I really, really don't get why saying "I hate spinach" is a bad thing? If something IS hated, why is it wrong to say it?

I think hate is a very stong word and I think it is way overused. I don't think "hate" is the right word when we don't like a food. . .does someone really dislike a food so much that they need to use this word? I feel the same about love, does someone like a food so much that they use the word love when talking about a food? I would rather say I really like this food, or this food is not for me then to have my children use the word hate/love. I can't stand children who use the hate word. . .DD had a friend once who "hated" everything. . .she would come over and tell DD "I hate milk", "I hate vegetables", I hate, hate, hate. . .it was very inappropriate and was definitely not polite. We don't hate food (Bananas are really not for me, the taste, the smell, the thought of them. . .but I don't "hate" them), we don't hate people (even Glenn Beck







), we don't hate to do chores. A food "Is not for me", we dislike things that people do (but we should still show them kindness and compassion), etc. . .


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

:


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## urchin_grey (Sep 26, 2006)

Hmm, I don't know yet... DS and DN are 4 and 2 and neither one of them know that word. (So honestly, I'd be more surprised to hear a 2yo say it than an 8yo.) I guess we're sheltered here.


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## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

No siblings here, but dd (3.5) does use the word hate. I didn't realize how much I say it until it started coming out of her mouth- like when I'm trying to empathize with her (e.g. she'll down and scrape her knee, cries, I've said "ouch- you didn't see that bump and tripped. I've done that, too- I just hate it when that happens!") I don't like it when she aims it at people, but honestly, I think it woud have gone away by now if everyone didn't make such a huge fuss over it- she has learned that it gets a reaction. We have definitely talked about how it might make her friends feel if she said it to them (actually, she's only ever said it to one child)- and how they might be really hurt and not want to play with her anymore, and that would be sad. That's as far as I would go. When it comes to spinach (actually we all LOVE spinach!- but I, personally HATE onions- make me barf)- I think that some of us might have more intense feelings than others and that it's perfectly fine to express those feelings. I would never want to tell my dd to "keep her strong feelings to herself"-- help her manage them, yes- but, really, if she feels like she needs to use strong words to match her strong emotions, I'd rather she feel safe to do that around us without getting in trouble over it. (and I also think that strong words can be a good way to "get it out" rather than, say, throwing the plate of spinach to the floor or being otherwise physically aggressive)


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## lovemybubus (Oct 2, 2007)

I really don't see what the big deal is. IME the more I make a big deal out of something with my kids the more interested they become in whatever it is that bugs me. We were hanging out with some friends of ours and the oldest child is 11 and says things like, "I hate you" to her younger siblings. I'm not a fan, that's for sure and when we came home sure enough dd tried this out on her little brother. I heard it but didn't say anything. That was 2 months ago, she hasn't said that to him since.

In general dh and I go out of our way not to micro-manage their relationship with one another. The most we will say to them (unless it's obviously unsafe) is "we have faith in your ability to work out this issue cooperatively" and 99% of the time they do. They are very, very close, they play together, sleep together and are inseperable. This works for our family, but maybe not everyone.

This is JMO but I feel that making kids (speaking mostly about siblings) feel shame about the things they do or say to one another could be the very thing that would drive them apart. I know this to be true for dh and his sister.

The other thing I was thinking about is that I sometimes have a flare for the dramatic and may say "I hate" about something (meant to be funny most likely) so unless I want to make sure my vocabulary is close to perfect I'm not going to correct my kids. The thing is, they learn from example and as long as you don't have hate in your home I wouldn't worry to much about the word. Hate is something that is taught through hitting, screaming, cursing, looks of contempt, neglect, abuse, etc...

We're not perfect but we have a lot of love over here so the word doesn't bother me. A good book to explain examples of "hate" would be "Turn, Turn, Turn" with great art to illustrate war, abuse, etc. I might just show that to the kids today


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Wow. I had no idea this was such a big deal. Its a word people







. Seriously, why give more power to it? I think often adults read WAY too much into a situation. Kids don't have the vocabulary or the emotional maturity to stop and think about a situation, then search for the appropriate word to explain how they feel. So they "hate" something. Why make a big deal of the words?

My kids are a little older than a lot of the posters on this thread (judging by signatures and posts) and so this has come up. I think at a certain age it is more likely and developmentally appropriate. Occasionally my boys (6 and 8) fight. They have yelled things like, "I hate you" or "I am never going to play with you again". So that is generally my cue to step in with "you sound frustrated/angry/upset" and help them work through the feelings themselves. It seems counterproductive to my goal of helping them express their feelings and learn appropriate ways of dealing with them if I limit how they may express themselves.

Ultimately we don't ban words (even the curse words), we just talk about it at an appropriate time why some words may hurt people and when it is and is not appropriate to use different words.

Although in the OP

Quote:

I've seen quite a few kids lately who seem to regularly say "I hate you" to their siblings... even going as far as to talk about which of their siblings they "hate the most." I'm not talking about once or twice during a heated argument (which I think many kids do at one point or another) but on a consistent basis.
THIS would disturb me. Talking about which sibling they hate the most as a topic of conversation is something that strikes me as a little odd. Not the use of the word hate, but the overall comparing and rating of siblings. Though again, I think I have heard older (or older than mine) kids do this, so again it may just be one of those ways kids try to see how they fit into the world/their families. I wouldn't read to much into it unless their were unkind actions, teasing or bullying that went along with it.


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## gillibean (Nov 28, 2006)

We consider using the word hate to be very strong and not appropriate to use against siblings. There is a better/more accurate way to describe the feelings.

Our off-limits words are very few. Another example is the word starving. Our children have never known what it is to starve. They may get really hungry, but they have never gone days with little to no food. The word hate falls into that category. They may be really mad/upset/angry with the other but real hatred goes far beyond that. I certainly hope that my children never know what it is to truly hate someone.


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## moxygirl (Jun 23, 2009)

Obviously from my sig I haven't had to deal with this yet but I agree with some of the PPs who say they're more concerned with actions than the actual word. I didn't vote, but I would (while acknowledging their strong feelings) discourage use of the word and help them find more specific words to use. I'd be more concerned if they were ACTING hateful toward a sibling, or anyone else (hitting, name-calling, excluding, etc). I would be concerned that absolutely forbidding the word would make them feel unsafe to express strong feelings, and I would want to know if there were strong feelings against a sibling that weren't coming up in their actions but that were growing in their hearts so I could help them deal with those. Hope that makes sense.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
This has only come up a few times, always with ds2. When he says, "I hate you" to his sister, it's in the heat of the moment. We then have a talk about what he really means, and does he hate her, or is he angry at her. So far, this has _always_ resulted in ds2 reaching the conclusion that he loves his big sister, but is very angry at her. He's also said it to me and to dh a couple of times - same thing.

I don't disallow it, but I do help him to explore what he's really feeling and more accurate ways to express it. If he did/does hate one of us, then I'd be more concerned about the emotion he's feeling than about his word choice when expressing it.

(I handle it pretty much the same way when he says someone or something is "stupid".)

Yes to all of this, including the 'stupid' part.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dandelionkid* 
I really, really don't get why saying "I hate spinach" is a bad thing? If something IS hated, why is it wrong to say it?

I think it's a poor word to express the majority of the situations in which it's used. Hate, IMO, is a VERY serious word. I hate Adolf Hitler. I hate war. I hate famine, and I hate racism. Does my child hate spinach? No. In this moment he's claiming not to like it(and other times he does like it!).

I just think when you allow words to be thrown around carelessly, you're also throwing emotions and feelings and judgements carefully. I want my children to be thoughtful and careful. I want them to use their minds and logic, and not jump to rash assumptions and reactions. And I think one way to instill this is through careful thought about speech and language.


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## FreeRangeMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:

Our off-limits words are very few. Another example is the word starving. Our children have never known what it is to starve. They may get really hungry, but they have never gone days with little to no food. The word hate falls into that category. They may be really mad/upset/angry with the other but real hatred goes far beyond that. I certainly hope that my children never know what it is to truly hate someone.
This just reminded me of how our mothers used to scold us to eat all our dinner because there were starving children in the world







. As though MY leftover spaghetti would have otherwise helped this other child somewhere. That is how kids work. They don't rationalize things in the way adults do. Just because (some) adults feel a word like hate carries a huge weight it does not make it so.

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I just think when you allow words to be thrown around carelessly, you're also throwing emotions and feelings and judgements carefully. I want my children to be thoughtful and careful. I want them to use their minds and logic, and not jump to rash assumptions and reactions. And I think one way to instill this is through careful thought about speech and language.
There should also come into play age appropriate expectations. It is unrealistic and unfair to expect a child to operate from a place of logic and reason. They need time to mature into that. At this young age it is enough of a task to manage emotions and feelings, why make it harder than it has to be with language semantics?

It is a word, only you can choose how much weight to give it. Seems like such a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

Anger, rage, rejection, hurt, overjoyed, ecstatic.... and hate. Hate is a feeling too.

The national dish here is "leverpostej", mashed up pigs liver and bacon on dark brown bread. I HATE IT! I do. It makes me gag and you can not reasonably pay me to eat it. I do not dislike it, that is not clear or correct. I hate it. Hate is the appropriate word.

I think all people, including children, are allowed to hate certain things, and should be allowed to express it. Things are not people though. Neither of my DCs have said "I hate you" to the other, but if they did, I would first ask why they said that, then what does the word mean, then maybe encourage them to explore what they actually do hate - the sibling yelling at them, the sibling doing xyz.... not the overall sibling as a person. I want them to be able to express clearly when they are angry, hurt, rejected, depressed... and yes, hate is a feeling too. Used occasionally, when appropriate, it is a clear description.


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## AllisonR (May 5, 2006)

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Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness* 
IDoes my child hate spinach? No.

I don't think it is fair that you should presume that he can not hate spinach. You can't tell other people how to feel, or make them feel different. That part of what makes us unique individuals. Please read my previous post as an example.


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## treemom2 (Oct 1, 2003)

My DH and I do not use the word Hate. Our children don't use the word hate. I cringe when I hear children overusing the word. . .just like I would cringe if they told me they don't like something or someone over and over again. I believe hate is a very strong word. . .Hate is a word to describe the halocaust, white supremacy, genocide, etc. . .not to describe a feeling about a food or a feeling about another person. However, I do understand many of you think this word is okay and probably use this word in your family. I don't judge you for this as I would hope you wouldn't judge me for not using this word (we also don't say starving, love when we are talking about an object or food, stupid. . .however some stereotypical "adult" words are okay in our home. . .to each their own). . .I will say that if your child comes to my house I will gently repeat their feelings about things in a way that doesn't use the "hate" word and I will tell them that "hate" is not a word we use in our family or in our home.









Another thing. . .I don't think we make assumptions about our children's feelings or somehow not allow them to have their feelings. . .we just teach them to express those feelings in different ways. Feelings are okay in my house, the word hate is not.


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

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Originally Posted by *FreeRangeMama* 
Wow. I had no idea this was such a big deal. Its a word people







. Seriously, why give more power to it? I think often adults read WAY too much into a situation. Kids don't have the vocabulary or the emotional maturity to stop and think about a situation, then search for the appropriate word to explain how they feel. So they "hate" something. Why make a big deal of the words?

Ultimately we don't ban words (even the curse words), we just talk about it at an appropriate time why some words may hurt people and when it is and is not appropriate to use different words.



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Originally Posted by *FreeRangeMama* 
Just because (some) adults feel a word like hate carries a huge weight it does not make it so.

There should also come into play age appropriate expectations. It is unrealistic and unfair to expect a child to operate from a place of logic and reason. They need time to mature into that. At this young age it is enough of a task to manage emotions and feelings, why make it harder than it has to be with language semantics?

It is a word, only you can choose how much weight to give it. Seems like such a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things.

I agree with all of these statements. You put it into words I really couldn't convey myself.


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## vegemamato (Jul 4, 2007)

In our home, we have a rule about not using ANY words that are meant to be hurtfull, including hate. We would much rather explore other words and descriptions, since we have all agreed that 'hate' is rather ambiguous and usually fails to get our feelings out in the way intended.

My 8 yr old actually refers to hate as the 'H' word, and stupid as the 'S' word









to each their own though...


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

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Originally Posted by *A&A* 
Not to be dense, but I'm not sure what "enforce it" means in this context. We would talk about how bad that makes the sibling feel.

I agree. I don't "allow" it, but it gets said anyway, unfortunately.

Also totally agree with free range mama. It's a strong word, an overused word, etc. But yeah, I just don't think a little kid is intending to make it such a heavy word.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

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Originally Posted by *FreeRangeMama* 
It is a word, only you can choose how much weight to give it. Seems like such a small thing to worry about in the grand scheme of things.


We don't worry about it. We just don't use the word. My DH doesn't, I don't, and our kids don't. It's not difficult.


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## MissMaegie'sMama (Jul 27, 2006)

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Originally Posted by *gillibean* 
We consider using the word hate to be very strong and not appropriate to use against siblings. There is a better/more accurate way to describe the feelings.

Our off-limits words are very few. Another example is the word starving. Our children have never known what it is to starve. They may get really hungry, but they have never gone days with little to no food. The word hate falls into that category. They may be really mad/upset/angry with the other but real hatred goes far beyond that. I certainly hope that my children never know what it is to truly hate someone.

Exactly.

To me, "hate" is a word used by kids who are having trouble expressing themselves emotionally and/or verbally in the heat of the moment, or are feeling frustrated or unheard. I have never heard my kids tell each other they hate each other, and I would not tolerate such behavior from any of them. I have heard both my DS and DD1 say "I don't like you!" to each other during a disagreement or some other altercation. I have talked with both of them about how it's the behavior of the other sibling that they don't like, not the other sibling personally. When I hear one say "I don't like you!" to the other, I encourage the kiddo who is upset to tell their sibling exactly what behavior is bothering them, and then state how that behavior makes them feel. It's a good tool to diffuse the situation at hand.

On the other hand, I could not give a whit if my kids tell me they "hate" tomatoes... or showers... or other inanimate objects or activities. Inanimate objects don't have feelings; people do.


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## Hazelnut (Sep 14, 2005)

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Originally Posted by *SubliminalDarkness* 
We don't worry about it. We just don't use the word. My DH doesn't, I don't, and our kids don't. It's not difficult.

Sometimes they hear it in the outside world though.


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## SubliminalDarkness (Sep 9, 2009)

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Originally Posted by *Hazelnut* 
Sometimes they hear it in the outside world though.

Yes. And it's been established already that we don't use the word. Just like we don't use some other words.


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## marie1080 (Aug 5, 2006)

DD is an only at this point, but I would not allow her to speak that way to a sibling, as I do not allow her to speak that way to me, grandparents, other kids, etc.

Just not ok in our house.


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## Madders (Jul 15, 2009)

No, but that doesn't stop them from saying it


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