# *sigh* I am so angry and sad



## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

I have spent probably the last half hour reading these posts from you all and I am getting so angry at the world and nature and the higher power(s) and doctors and midwives and myself. Why are there pregnancy losses? what did we do to deserve it? Why does it happen to us and not to the people who don't want babies? I was ready for a baby. His room was ready, and I thought I was coming home from the hospital that day with a baby in my arms and not a bill for the stupid funeral home.

I guess I am just freaking out that it happens so much more than I ever realized. I am so worried it will happen to me again. I honestly don't know if I would make it through another loss, but at the same time I can't bear the thought of not trying again. Just wanted to get that out.


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## Lact-o-Mama (Jan 27, 2006)

Oh Mamma, I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the grief you must feel. I have a few friends that have lost pregnancies and babies. I too would like an answer to this awful scenario.

Maybe you should read Peggy Vincents "Baby Catcher". She talks about women having Spirit Babies, a halo of childrens soles that dance over our heads. When a conceived baby is taken back to the halo, it re-enters the dancing spirits and that same spirit is given back to you with your next child....or it is shared with another Momma in need. It definately doesn't provide answers to why babies are taken, but it's a cute story about where these babies go to. It kinda gives those Moms hope as well, that their lost baby will return again.

Oh Dear, I don't know the words that are right for you, ((Hugs)))


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## Gray's Mommy (Jul 8, 2005)

I truly believe I experienced my 2nd trimester miscarriage to help another woman when she birthed her daughter, who was born still. Without my loss, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate, for lack of a better word, what she was going through. Her baby died in the last 15 minutes of her labor. I may be totally off base on interpreting God's plan, but that is how I chose to view it.
I am very sorry for the loss of your child.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I am sorry for your loss, mama!! I am glad that you are here...because you are wanted and needed.


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## ApplePieBaby (Jun 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *maisiedotes* 
I have spent probably the last half hour reading these posts from you all and I am getting so angry at the world and nature and the higher power(s) and doctors and midwives and myself. Why are there pregnancy losses? what did we do to deserve it? Why does it happen to us and not to the people who don't want babies? I was ready for a baby. His room was ready, and I thought I was coming home from the hospital that day with a baby in my arms and not a bill for the stupid funeral home.

I guess I am just freaking out that it happens so much more than I ever realized. I am so worried it will happen to me again. I honestly don't know if I would make it through another loss, but at the same time I can't bear the thought of not trying again. Just wanted to get that out.











It does happen more than you think... I didn't realize it til I was forced to join the 'club'


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

So sorry to have you here with us.

I hope you are able to find support and comfort here, as I have. It has helped to not feel so alone.

Where in Maine are you? I'd be happy to try to talk sometime if you'd like. We are in Brunswick . . .


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Sorry for everything that you are going through. I am having alot of anger lately too. I lost my baby in Aug, but the pain is still as intense as ever. I just wish I could feel some relief from this pain. I just wish there was someway to release it. I *hate* seeing pregnant women and women with babies. It makes me so angry that they can have what I can't. I would be 7 months along now and when I see women that look like they are about that far along I just get a rush of pain and anger all rolled into one. I can't even walk by the baby section in a store right now. I can usually handle my emotions when I am at work, but I feel like I am just holding my breath and as soon as I exhale it all comes back.







:


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## khaoskat (May 11, 2006)

I think my baby died so that my milk can help save the life or lives of other children.

I know what a precious gift mother's milk can be for any child. As such, I have choosen to pump my milk (since my Isabella was full term at 40 weeks 2 days) and donate it to our local milk bank.

All I can hope and pray is that another child will be greatly helped during the time of sorrow I and my family are going through and to give meaning to my Isabella's short life.

We have even asked that some of my husband's business clients who wanted to send flowers donate to the Milk Bank in honor of Isabella instead of sending flowers.

Some say it is a selfless act, or an act of great kindness, but I feel selfish in my motivations.

Melissa S.


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

I'm so sorry sweetie









I remember those EXACT feelings of anger. I was mad at everyone. Even my husband. I didn't know who to blame, but I knew I should/wanted to blame someone for what happened. Myself included. I know ALOT of people who say "I hate kids" and then get pg and have healthy babies. Or the ones who have bad lifestyles and can pop out baby after baby with NO PROBLEMS. Hell yes, its frustrating, I'll tell you that. BUT I will say this. Alexis' death has made me an even better person, mommy, wife, daughter, sister and friend. I have learned to NEVER take ANYTHING or anyone for granted ever. Cherish the ones you love, live life to the fullest and always let people know you love them. She has taught me so much and I am forever grateful for that.

I, also didn't think stillbirth/miscarraiges happened alot. I thought I was 1 in a million. That every one else in theworld had their babies and I did not. Until I googled it, and came here. Its heartbreaking







:


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## CrunchyMamaOf3 (Apr 7, 2006)

I totally know what you mean. It makes me sick with anger and sadness. NO mama should ever lose a baby, ever. I wish I could take all the pain away from all of you, take it all and bottle it. My heart breaks for every single one of you even though I lurk most times, every night I read the posts and sob. I still feel the need to cry. It helps. With every tear that falls I feel just a tiny bit more healed. But my personal loss has damaged my relationship with my husband so I cannot cry with him. I cry here alone at night hunched over a keyboard, or in the shower where the sounds of water muffle my tears. I miss my baby boy so much. So many people and books have said that 12-18 months is the appropriate "grieveing" time for a pregnancy loss. It's been almost two years and I've cried a nile river of salty tears.
Some days the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that he's still with me, either watching over me or in my heart and that I will be with my babe again.

One of the PP's mentioned the Spirit baby halo and that the spirit of the lost baby coming back in the new, this is my feeling since I had my daughter concieved 2 months after the loss of the my little boy.
I had a really eery kind of experiance late one night after I lost my boy. I was sitting on the couch downstairs and I may have been drowsing, who knows? Anyway I saw a greenish blue orb of light float gracefully down the stairs, it was no bigger than a baseball. It came to a stop right in front of my at eye level, puased for several seconds and lowered to my belly level and moved into my belly. I know I wasn't flat out asleep when it happened but I fell asleep a minute of so afterward. Three days later I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl Woogie. I think that was the spirit of my baby boy entering my womb to become one with the newly concieved baby. It's comforting to me. My daughter looks alot like my Peanut and I always had the feeling while I was pregnant with him that he would have had a very gentle and sweet, loving personailty. Woogie is just like this. I refer to them as my Irish Twins since they were born less than a year apart. That's comforting to me too.
But the whole thing just rots and hurts like nothing else ever will.
Blessed Be,


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## moma justice (Aug 16, 2003)

i felt very angry yesterday too.

that i have to deal with all this
that my body went thru all that and is all stretched out of proportion...
my midwife told me last night that one of the first things i said after my dd was born was "all that work for nothing"

i feel so selfish....i wish i could drink and do drugs adn run away to costa rica adn sleep all day...but i have a live dd who needs me....so instead i cry in the shower (too) so that no one can hear me...or at night when they are all asleep....

how can my heart feel so broken? how can my life seem so empty?
those feelings make me feel guilty b/c my dd should have a life of joy and sunshine.

adn my dh does not understand or give me the comfort i crave.....

god god god god
help me.
please....


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moma justice* 
i felt very angry yesterday too.

that i have to deal with all this
that my body went thru all that and is all stretched out of proportion...
my midwife told me last night that one of the first things i said after my dd was born was "all that work for nothing"

i feel so selfish....i wish i could drink and do drugs adn run away to costa rica adn sleep all day...but i have a live dd who needs me....so instead i cry in the shower (too) so that no one can hear me...or at night when they are all asleep....

how can my heart feel so broken? how can my life seem so empty?
those feelings make me feel guilty b/c my dd should have a life of joy and sunshine.

adn my dh does not understand or give me the comfort i crave.....

god god god god
help me.
please....









s


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## Brisen (Apr 5, 2004)

to all

I also feel that the good that can come from my miscarriages is being able to help other women. No one talks about it, and that makes it so overwhelming and shocking etc. when it does happen, and it makes it hard to heal, I think. So I'm trying to be more open about my experiences in the hopes that I can help someone else. Even if it's just someone knowing that she's not the only one, or knowing she can call/email me and have a sympathetic ear.


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## CrunchyMamaOf3 (Apr 7, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moma justice* 
i felt very angry yesterday too.

that i have to deal with all this
that my body went thru all that and is all stretched out of proportion...
my midwife told me last night that one of the first things i said after my dd was born was "all that work for nothing"

i feel so selfish....i wish i could drink and do drugs adn run away to costa rica adn sleep all day...but i have a live dd who needs me....so instead i cry in the shower (too) so that no one can hear me...or at night when they are all asleep....

how can my heart feel so broken? how can my life seem so empty?
those feelings make me feel guilty b/c my dd should have a life of joy and sunshine.

adn my dh does not understand or give me the comfort i crave.....

god god god god
help me.
please....





































Mama I feel the same way some days. Today is one of those bad days for me and I feel like I've come unglued. If you need to talk anytime please PM me, I'm always here, for any of you. Thank Goddess for this forum, to find others who feel like I do...
Be gentle with yourself,


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## mightymoo (Dec 6, 2003)

I struggle with the why all the time, it is so hard. I'm sorry mama.

Someone mentioned Peggy Vincent and the Baby Catcher, its a great book, but you should be warned she talks about at least two lost babies in it, it was hard for me to forget those after I read it (before I had my first)

But the Spirit Baby excerpt is online - it is a wonderful story and if you get a chance you should read it:

http://www.babycatcher.net/excerpt2.html


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## StacieM (Oct 13, 2006)

I'm so sorry for your loss too.

I understand what you are going through more now than ever before. I used to think that people who are trying so hard to have kids and aren't succeeding must get really upset when they hear of other people "getting rid" of their babies because they don't want them.

I always saw m/c boards and people talking about losses and I wanted to be able to say something to them, but never felt I could. I've had 4 healthy, successful pgs - how could I offer sympathy when I had no clue what they felt like. Now I know. Now I can say things to others who are going through the same thing and offer sincere and honest support.

You didn't do anything to "deserve" this. For the first time this past month, I saw women with big bellies and thought "I want one of those" - I had it four times and have never wanted to have a big belly as much as I wanted one when I found out this pg may not be successful.

Some people rail against "higher powers" in times like this, but for me, it's only a reminder that I can't handle everything on my own. I'm not in complete control and there must be someone else stronger than me helping out because without that, there's no way I could make it through. I can't do it on my own. There is a plan way bigger than me otherwise I'd be able to fix everything myself and control everything in my life, but that's just not so. I have to trust and believe that somehow, one day, everything _will_ be okay. I have no other choice because any other way seems way to hopeless.


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## lolalapcat (Sep 7, 2006)

I agree with so many things you all have said in this thread. I am grateful you all will share, so none of us needs to feel alone.

I can only speak for myself, but it does get better. My grief is no longer overwhelming. My losses will never go away, I'll always harbor sadness for them, but oddly enough, life does go on. I didn't think it would. But it has. And it's okay.

It has even gotten easier to see pregnant women, and I can pass by the baby section in stores without averting my eyes.

Life isn't perfect, but it is better. I hope you all find the same sort of almost peace. (and don't worry, I'll probably be back on here ranting at some point, nothing is permanent and the holidays are coming!)

Keep talking, get it out. It helps.

Keri


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