# DS naked at our baby shower...wwyd?



## soybeansmama (Jan 26, 2006)

Our baby shower was a couple of days ago and I am still thinking about something that happened and if I even handled it right. 







:

The shower was a swim party. Kids were in the pool having a great time. My son got out and took off his swim trunks because they were uncomfortable wet. I was at a table visiting with guests and I was watching my parents try to get his dry underwear and shorts on him. Soon he was crying hysterically saying that he just wanted to be naked for a little bit. My dad finally gives up and brings him over to me with his dry clothes and asks me to try putting them on him. At this point I am just trying to get through my shower without any major blow-ups from DS and I was feeling very relieved that this was the first upset of the day. I told my dad that I didn't have a problem with him wanting to be naked for a little while...we were in a friends backyard surrounded by dear friends and family. What's the big freakin' deal?!

A few minutes later I see my mom grab the shorts and underwear and chase after him as he goes in the house. I get up to look at what is going on and she is trying to get his clothes on him with him (of course) resisting. I said again..."please don't upset him. I don't really care if he wants to be naked for a bit." My mom then gives me this really irritated look and walks away.

Should I care more that my son wants to run around naked!!!???? Is there something totally wrong with me that I don't force clothes on my child???!!!

BTW, he brought his shorts and underwear to me 15 minutes later saying he was ready to get dressed...

What would you have done in this situation?


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## Aeress (Jan 25, 2005)

I know how my family feels about naked kids, so we try to keep clothes on them when with family.

Personally, it wouldn't have bothered me, but I know how family can be.

I totally so your point of view. Not sure what I would have done.

I woudln't let it bother you. Some people are uncomfortable with naked kids...I'm not.


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## kristen1978 (Dec 27, 2006)

It sounds like the only reason you are second-guessing yourself is because of the reaction of your parents. If you had felt that he should be clothed, you would have insisted that that happen. Perhaps this reveals some sort of deeper issue between you and them, regarding parenting style?

Personally, I can't think of any real reason to force clothes on a child, especially in a situation like that. The environment was controlled and comfortable, which is why he felt comfortable being naked to begin with! I always wonder about people who think there's something wrong with a naked child . . . .

Kuddos to you for standing up for his right to be comfortable!


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

He's 3-1/2 (if my math is correct). Let him run naked.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Were any other people uncomfortable?

Maybe he's getting to the point where other people feel pretty uncomfortable about his nudity. I would try and respect that, and try to explain to him why he should too.

My dd always wants to go naked in our backyard, too, but we share a short chain link fence with an elderly couple who are always outside, and she would run over to them and talk to them while fondling herself. This clearly made them very, very uncomfortable, so I made a rule that she had to be dressed in the backyard. Or when people come over. I just think it's more appropriate to try and follow our society's standards of dress/undress.


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## bestjobever (Jun 7, 2007)

I think it's perfectly fine for kids to run around naked. I would have let my daughter do the same. I might have asked the friends whos home you were visiting if it was okay with them, other than that, no worries. Tell your parents that you will make an effort to keep your son clothed at their house, but at other locations, it's really not up to them.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I would have done what you did for two reasons:

1) Respect the child and
2) Respect the guests.

I don't think that most guests prefer a screaming, upset child to a naked one (well... provided said child is under six or seven).

I do think that respecting guests is important, but you could always ask your son to play in another room naked for awhile as well. What could you do? It was a tough situation and it resolved itself. Sounds like you made the right decision.


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## ABand3 (May 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *soybeansmama* 
My mom then gives me this really irritated look and walks away.

Are we sisters?

I don't have any advice, I'm still trying to figure out how to avoid/handle/not care when my mother has a mini tantrum when I dare suggest we do things regarding MY kids MY way. That you were comfortable with him being naked (I would have been) should be all that matters.


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## Hatteras Gal (Jun 1, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nd_deadhead* 
He's 3-1/2 (if my math is correct). Let him run naked.


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## hellyaellen (Nov 8, 2005)

this was your shower? as the guest of honor i think if your kid wants to run naked for a few minutes and nobody else is visibly upset about it then they should have just chilled. it sounds to me like your parents were the only ones making a big deal about it.

were they actually uncomfortable with his nudity? are they like that at home? if so maybe getting some clothes on might be worth a little more effort.

i don't know what i would have done in the moment but i would have pointed out to them later that by making a scene everyone was more uncomfortable for longer than necessary.


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## soybeansmama (Jan 26, 2006)

WOW! Thanks for the quick replies. My parents and I do differ on a lot of things regarding parenting styles. I am feeling a little sensitive these days too for a couple reasons: Pregnant. emotional, doubting that I can handle 2, etc... AND my grandma is staying with us right now and I keep getting comments like : "if he had a good spankin' he would listen to you the first time"







: I have a lot on my mind.

Anyway, no one else seemed to be uncomfortable, just amused. My parents are very uptight about things. For example, growing up I couldn't even have my tampon box in plain view in the bathroom because it "emarrassed" my dad. It has been harder lately to stand my ground in a pleasant, non-defensive way while I feel less energetic mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am ready to tell everyone to F*** off!

Thanks again for replies...


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## PlayaMama (Apr 1, 2007)

i think you handled the situation exactly right.

my dad lives with us now and he's *always* telling my ds that he has to put his shorts and shoes on. the neighbors don't care, i don't care, who cares? i think it's a more generational modesty thing.

and the other day our neighbors had some guests (in their 70's or 80's) and the husband told me how refreshing it was to see a little kid running around naked! maybe it's just that middle generation that's so uncomfortable with nakedness.

way to stand your ground. i know it can be hard sometimes with parents.


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## offwing (Aug 17, 2006)

So what most of the posts seem to be saying is if other people are uncomfortable; do something. But if it's your parents that are uncomfortable; they can lump it.

Sorry, but I think our parents deserve at least as much respect and consideration as we show anyone else.

If mama was going to tuck the little guy into his pants because Cousin Mary or Friend Sue was uncomfortable there was no reason not to do it for Dad or Mom.


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## birdie22 (Apr 1, 2005)

Your post made me chuckle, because my grandparents love to tell the story about how I did the EXACT SAME THING when I was about 3-4.

Apparently I came running out of their bedroom while they were entertaining a couple from church, stark naked except for Granny's shower cap, and yelled "I'm streaking!!!

My grandparents are not usually real casual folks, but they love to tell this story. They especially loved to tell it when I had college friends visiting.


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## soybeansmama (Jan 26, 2006)

I can respect that my parents feel a certain way, but not enough to hold my child down against his will to put clothes on him. I don't like the messege that sends. He has the whole rest of his life to experience that messege from the rest of the world...


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## ShaggyDaddy (Jul 5, 2006)

haha if people are afraid of a naked kid they can leave, my parents included.

My parents are SO dedicated to perpetuating body-shame that I would not have let them even approach my child if he or she was naked.

My parents(or realy anyone) are not allowed to powerstruggle with my kids. We are very vocal, and very forceful about this point, and they get-it (finally I think).


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *offwing* 
So what most of the posts seem to be saying is if other people are uncomfortable; do something. But if it's your parents that are uncomfortable; they can lump it.

Sorry, but I think our parents deserve at least as much respect and consideration as we show anyone else.

If mama was going to tuck the little guy into his pants because Cousin Mary or Friend Sue was uncomfortable there was no reason not to do it for Dad or Mom.

While I understand your point, I also think that there could be a LOT of family dynamics at work here: gparents' criticism of how their dd is raising her son; a long history of the Mom feeling like she just can't please them no matter what she doesn, so she has chosen to please herself (and her own family) first; gparents known to be frighteningly prudish, etc. Not knowing ANY of the family dynamics, I think it's unfair to criticise the OP's actions (or the other posters) for NOT immediately jumping to do whatever the gparents felt was right.


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## trinity6232000 (Dec 2, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *offwing* 
So what most of the posts seem to be saying is if other people are uncomfortable; do something. But if it's your parents that are uncomfortable; they can lump it.

Sorry, but I think our parents deserve at least as much respect and consideration as we show anyone else.


I think the consideration should be shown toward the child. The child was happy, the child was
comfortable. To me that is what's most important. If Grandma and Grandpa have a problem with
that it's their problem IMO. Nobody else was bothered. The child was happy.

OP the only thing I would have done different was to be slightly more vocal and tell my parents
that when ds was ready he would ask to be clothed, and until then stop trying to force him to
put on his clothing.

My dd still loves being naked, but now at almost 7 we have talked about how that can make some
people uncomfortable. But before age 4/5 I allowed her to be naked after swimming and during
other summer activities. Sorry to those it make uncomfortable, but my dd's comfort comes first.
If a child being naked causes you that much anxiety, that's a much bigger problem than my child
being unclothed.


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## soybeansmama (Jan 26, 2006)

deadhead, thanks for your perceptive and sensitive post. Body shame was a big theme from a very early age in my family and as a sexual abuse survivor and recovering anorexic, I AM extremely sensitive to any one shaming my son for touching himself or wanting to be nakey. We don't get to live that free and with that kind of innocence for very long. I guess I just realized why I am still thinking about this incident... I love MDC therapy


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## nd_deadhead (Sep 22, 2005)

I'm glad I hit the nail on the head. Hugs to you for what oyu've been through, and cheers to you for breaking that cycle with your son. And a high five for having the courage to do what feels right to you, in spite of what your parents think! You should be very proud of yourself - you are a GOOD Momma.

My own twin sons are 12 years old, and they enjoyed nudie time until they were about 6. Now they won't even undress in front of each other! Modesty comes to most kids eventually, without anyone telling them they HAVE to cover themselves.

I remember when my little brother was about 8 - he slept in briefs, and wrapped a blanket around himself to make to short trip across the hall from his bedroom to the bathroom. We teased him one day, saying "Come on, CJ - we've seen it all before!" to which he replied "Not lately!" That still cracks me up.


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## offwing (Aug 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *trinity6232000* 
I think the consideration should be shown toward the child.

I'm not sure if you fully understood what I was trying to say in my post. I never gave an opinion on whether or not the little guy should be naked.

I was saying that if you are going to dress him because someone else is upset, it seems mean and intolerant not to do it for your parents. Get the distinction?

Frankly, naked toddlers crack me up ... let them run free in the breeze.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShaggyDaddy* 
My parents are SO dedicated to perpetuating body-shame that I would not have let them even approach my child if he or she was naked.

Following your society's standards for nudity does not necessarily constitute being ashamed of your body.

I don't think modesty and one's love of one's body have anything to do with each other, personally.


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## offwing (Aug 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *nd_deadhead* 
While I understand your point, I also think that there could be a LOT of family dynamics at work here: gparents' criticism of how their dd is raising her son; a long history of the Mom feeling like she just can't please them no matter what she doesn, so she has chosen to please herself (and her own family) first; gparents known to be frighteningly prudish, etc. Not knowing ANY of the family dynamics, I think it's unfair to criticise the OP's actions (or the other posters) for NOT immediately jumping to do whatever the gparents felt was right.

I see what your saying. But again, I really wasn't suggesting that anyone do anything that they felt was wrong for their child.

I was purely reacting to what seemed to me suggestions to exclude parents from a courtesy that would have been extended to anyone BUT the parents.

I guess what is surprising to me is that it is being exhibited in a GD thread where people have all the information they need to perhaps find a way to be more tolerant or at least understanding of a generation likely raised to feel shame about nudity.

I mean, here we are, in the middle of a big group of people who spend a lot of time, effort and energy making sure that their kids experience the world in a specific way. And they all do that (correct me if I'm wrong) in part because we know that the way a child is raised shapes they adult they will become.

So apply that reasoning to the generation that comes before. It's likely that many of the parents of people here were raised without a lot of thoughtfulness. They could very well have been raised in what we would view as a horribly rigid, authoritarian, shaming, maybe even violent, ways.

So, why are people surprised when their parents feel the shame and embarrassment over these things that they were raised to feel?

I'm not saying this mama should have shoved the little guys pants on. I guess I'm saying we can all make our own parenting decisions and still manage to have a bit of empathy and understanding for our own parents.

I remember when I felt myself to be a full adult. It was the day I could listen to my mother be critical about my parenting and say "Thanks mom, I'll take that into consideration." and then went and did what I was going to do anyways!

That was the day she became "person who is my mom" instead of MOM!!! Seeing her as just a person who was the product of her own childhood (not abusive in a traditional sense, but horribly lonely and isolating, very sparse without a lot of affection) allowed me to be so much more forgiving of her flaws.

Wow, sorry, I kind of went off on a rip there! But I thought I'd share the thinking because getting to that point with my mom really brought a kind of peace to my own existence as a mother.


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## ShaggyDaddy (Jul 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
Following your society's standards for nudity does not necessarily constitute being ashamed of your body.

I don't think modesty and one's love of one's body have anything to do with each other, personally.

That isn't really what I was talking about.. My mother can't walk through the underwear section. She can't stand for a boy to go topless. They actually really do think that a bikini is a mortal sin.

On another note:

I do actually disagree. Our society is dead wrong when it comes to matters about body shame and body standards. The U.S. has a much higher rate of eating disorders than other countries. We have terrible awful standards for our daughters and sons to live up to flashed on every type of media we have. We have a nationwide problem of self-esteem and obesity.

I don't believe for one second the American discomfort with the human body has only a small part in the issues of the circumcision and formula epidemics.

Our society's policy on modesty and shame are dead wrong. Those standards are not good enough for my kids.


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## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *soybeansmama* 
Should I care more that my son wants to run around naked!!!???? Is there something totally wrong with me that I don't force clothes on my child???!!!

Nope, and nope.

And FWIW, I can feel your pain on the uncertainty. Last summer I hosted a big, co-ed baby shower for my bro and SIL. Lots of people there of all ages. The kiddie pool was filled for the little kids and of course my two ended up naked. On the one hand, I was aware that some people found it odd. On the other hand, *I* don't think it's odd. It was a family-friendly event and the kids were comfortable.

Regarding guests and comfort - maybe more guests need to be in situations where relaxed parents allow their children to be comfortable with their own bodies? Societal norms only change if people challenge them. Not that I'm saying baby shower kiddo nudity needs to be an activist event or anything.







(Although FWIW it did occur to me that intact naked boys at a baby shower could have served a low-key activist purpose.







) I also agree with the poster who said that the guests' comfort was probably best served by a happy child, rather than a screaming one.

My boys are 2 and 4.5. We have recently had naked kiddo pool time and naked gardening that followed. My neighbor often comments on the kids' nudity - I'm not sure if she disapproves or just finds it funny. I'm aware that not all parents let their kids do it, but from my point of view, they're little kids, they're in their own yard, I don't see much point to forcing clothing on them.

In public, we do follow society's standards for nudity. My 4.5 y/o does not seem to have any problem differentiating between the two. I'm sure he's not far away from the age when he starts internalizing those standards more and will stop removing his clothing for backyard water play.


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## Mama Coltrane (Sep 30, 2004)

Naked is fine IMO.
Funny, ay my DS's 2nd Birthday party- a pool came out and all the kids ( about 10 of them) all got naked. Not a big deal to me at all
When I go to a swimming hole, I like to be naked too. I don't walk through the supermarket naked, but there are places that seem fine to me like one's home, while swimming in a private spot, etc.


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## Mom2lilpeeps (Aug 19, 2006)

I think naked toddlers are fine. This is probably because both of my little people spend most of their days naked!







I would not have forced clothes on my ds or dd either.

peace


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

my son potty trained by being naked all of the time.









i think it's just one of those things that you didn't care about but your parents felt was inappropriate. no right answer. i know my folks would have felt the same way as yours. no big deal....unfortunately, they'll be many more things that you won't see eye to eye on....but hopefully none worth arguing about


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ShaggyDaddy* 
That isn't really what I was talking about.. My mother can't walk through the underwear section. She can't stand for a boy to go topless. They actually really do think that a bikini is a mortal sin.

On another note:

I do actually disagree. Our society is dead wrong when it comes to matters about body shame and body standards. The U.S. has a much higher rate of eating disorders than other countries. We have terrible awful standards for our daughters and sons to live up to flashed on every type of media we have. We have a nationwide problem of self-esteem and obesity.

I don't believe for one second the American discomfort with the human body has only a small part in the issues of the circumcision and formula epidemics.

Our society's policy on modesty and shame are dead wrong. Those standards are not good enough for my kids.

Sorry to go off OT, but most of the world consumes American media just as much as we do. So why don't other countries have eating disorders and obesity problems too?

I just don't buy the argument that the norms by which we dress ourselves have that great of an effect on how we view ourselves. You just don't think about it, unless it's not there. That's why we have dreams about being naked in public, it's just not the norm. If we lived in West Africa, where women regularly go topless but cover up their knees, instead of advocating for NIP, we'd be advocating for revealing our upper legs in public. (Well, maybe not, but you get the point).


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## offwing (Aug 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *natensarah* 
So why don't other countries have eating disorders and obesity problems too?

They do.









There are at least 300 million clinically obese adults in the world. Overweight adults have increased threefold since 1980, up to 1 billion adults worldwide. There are developing countries where both starvation and obesity are at epidemic proportions within their populations. Hispanic, African-origin and North American First Peoples have skyrocketing childhood obesity rates both in and out of the US. Childhood obesity is increasingin the developing world too. For example, in Thailand the prevalence of obesity in 5-to-12 year olds children rose from 12.2% to 15-6% in just two years.

At the same time, eating disorders have become global also. Asia, Western Europe and Australia all have bulimia and anorexia rates similar to those in the US.

If US attitudes about public nudity have anything to do with influencing weight and eating disorder rates the effect is so miniscule it's not worth discussing.


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## Think of Winter (Jun 10, 2004)

I have a little nudist, too, and I'd've handled it the same way you did. Be glad your boy wasn't peeing on everything, since that's what mine would've been doing! Try not to worry about it. Your mom can get annoyed all she likes


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## soybeansmama (Jan 26, 2006)

Oh, he does that, too! Must see my "I'm going to pee on you..." thread.

He does pee freely and we also potty learned by letting him run around in the buff. Thank goodness he doesn't pee freely _inside_ the house.


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