# 2nd degree tear 5 months later and painful sex



## Shell (Jul 12, 2003)

Hi ladies. After 3 days of labor, dd was born vaginally in the hospital (we started at a stand-alone birthing center) after pitocin and an epidural. I had a second degree tear, which did not bother me at all while the stiches were healing.

DH and I tried to have sex after six weeks, but it was not a happy endeavor. We've tried again every few weeks, and finally last night we had what we're calling "shallow sex." It was somewhat satisfying for my husband (who has been a great sport, but is really dying to have sex), and it was mildly painful for me. But again, it was only "shallow".

My midwife basically says that it was a trauma to my body, and the scar tissue needs a year to heal. He (yes, a he) said he couldn't promise that I would ever feel like I did before the baby was born, but he was hopeful that the pain would subside.

I'm feeling two types of "pain" -- one by the scar tissue on the perineum, and the other feels like my vaginal "canal" is at a different angle from what it used to be, and when we have sex he "hits the wall" instead of the space in between, if you get what I mean.

Now, I have to admit that sex is really the last thing on my mind these days, but I do have hopes for a return to our normal sex life. And like I said -- my husband really hopes for many more years...

I don't know how to feel about all this. I try not to think about it, but it seems to me like things may never be the same, or that we may NEVER be able to have painless sex again.

Anyone have any thoughts about this or experiences they can share? It boggles my mind to read posts from women who want to have sex two weeks after their baby was born. That is so far from my experience. Feeling sad about this. This was not a part of the plan!

Thanks...


----------



## TranscendentalMom (Jun 28, 2002)

I had a 2nd degree tear, too and sex was also painful for me for at least 6 months after. I think it was probably a full year before I could really enjoy it again. My midwife recommended putting Vitamin E oil on the scar to help it heal which I did.

I can totally sympathize with you as I got very depressed about it. I was wondering if I would ever enjoy sex again! Well, I do! I want to say it feels back to the way it did before but that isn't quite true because I am definitely more "stretched out" but my scar is completely healed and doesn't cause a problem anymore at all.


----------



## KiwiZ (Apr 4, 2004)

Did your caregiver say that you were healed or still had some healing to do? If you are not happy, I'd say go get a 2nd opinion. I had a 2nd degree tear and at my 6 wk pp checkup, they said I had been stitched too tightly and loosened it. But at 5 mo pp, I noticed I had something that looked kind of like a crater to me and that sex didn't feel right. I went back and they said I had some extra scar tissue and removed it. I was scared and crying and they were so gentle and kind to me and that meant a lot. You have to be comfortable with your caregiver, so if you aren't, ask around and see who your friends like. I healed up great after that and sex is now back to normal.

Also, are you breastfeeding? The whole time I was breastfeeding I had to use Astroglide gel (its like KY Jelly and they sell it at drug stores) cuz your hormones are different while bfeeding and your vagina can be dry during sex, causing pain. The pain lessened the longer I was bfeeding and totally went away when I weaned, so give your body time to heal if this is the case. Maybe its natures way of making us space out children? Who knows...

Anyway, you are not alone, there is help. And its normal to have to ease back into sex. I used to think I'd never enjoy it again, but I do. Hope you do too soon


----------



## NB Mom (Jul 7, 2004)

ITA with the other posters. After 2 1/2 days of (active) labour I finally delivered my DS, but had a 2nd degree tear. I did massage a bit of vit-E oil on the scar every other day.
It took about 12 months to relax enough to enjoy sex... 2 months after that I was pregnant again :LOL (not planned







)

Try a KY, or some other brand. Also try a different position... for the first few months I had to be on top so that I could control the penatration









After my DD was born, with no tearing, we went back to sex within 4 weeks.


----------



## RachelGS (Sep 29, 2002)

I didn't tear with my birth, but found sex excruciating for a very long time. The culprit turned out to be incredibly low estrogen, which makes the vaginal tissues very thin and sensitive. You might consider whether something like that is going on as well. For me, it was easily fixed with use of an est-ring, which you insert and leave. It provides estrogen locally to the vaginal tissues and doesn't affect breastfeeding at all because the hormone is not absorbed systemically.


----------



## Bethla (May 29, 2004)

So sorry to hear you are still hurting. I had a third degree tear and an epsiotomy (if that makes sense) with my first birth and subsequent tearing with my other two children.

Besides the trauma of my epsiotomy, which still scares me, I have never felt fully healed. And it's been 8 years! My perineum is still very irritable and doesn't tolerate being stretched. Also, certain angles during intercourse are extremely painful.

I will never go to the doctor about this problem. I feel so violated. With my last son the NP put some silver nitrate drops on some of my scar tissue without giving me any warning and I just felt this incredible burning senstation. She told me I'd be fine later. I could barely function. And I was bleeding. I just can't trust anyone at this point.

We have found other ways to enjoy each other and my dh is very gentle.


----------



## KiwiZ (Apr 4, 2004)

Bethla:







&


----------



## hubris (Mar 8, 2003)

I had an (unnecessary, argh) episiotomy that tore an extention for a total of a 3rd degree wound and had a lot of stitches and a very prolonged healing period. I think DH and I first attempted sex at 3 mos post partum and it was a miserable experience. Like you, I could feel the scar tissue and I also felt like my anatomy had been re-aligned. It took about 12-15 mos before I could have sex without cringing. I don't say that to scare you, just to let you know that what your midwife says is probably true. It got a tiny bit better every time and after that 12-15 mos I no longer noticed the scar tissue every time and sex started to feel good again.

There were other factors as well, though. Being stressed about possible pain did not help me to relax and enjoy sex. Being on mommy-alert for my babe's waking sounds made it hard to get into the mood. Being tired certainly affected my libido. I was dry and had low libido because of breastfeeding, too. I would say that sex wasn't *great* until about a month after Griff weaned (at 23 mos), and then it was awesome.







Between 15-23 mos I did enjoy sex, it just wasn't as nice as it is now. And I'm sure that after this baby is born I'll experience something similar - I'll expect it to take a year to fully heal if I have any injury to my birth canal, and I'll expect it to take longer to get over the new-parent distractions and won't expect WOW sex until babe and I are done BFing.

I hope things start feeling better for you soon, but if they don't improve by leaps and bounds right away, don't worry too much, just take baby steps, ok?


----------



## Noelia430 (Aug 6, 2003)

It took quite some time after the birth of my dd (2nd degree tear, as well) to have sex that felt good. Actually, it was almost a year (11 months) and then when it started feeling good again I got pregnant again!

It's good that your dh is very understanding. Give it some time and try with different positions and *lots* of lube.


----------



## WinterBaby (Oct 24, 2002)

I didn't tear, but it was probably more like 3 months before sex was comfortable again. The walls of my vagina felt weirdly "thin" and sensitive, and while lube made things possible around 6 weeks (cut down the friction,) it just wasn't really working for me. The friction internally was just unpleasant. Hormones I guess. We kept trying it again every couple weeks too, but mostly hadta end up focusing on less penatrative things, hehe. I was breastfeeding and continued to, but over an additional few months things resolved and the walls felt gradually more.. thick and yummy again.


----------



## thepeach80 (Mar 16, 2004)

Have you been checked for a cervical infaction? I had one after AJ and after I had it treated, things were so much better! I need to go get myself checked out too. It's been 4.5 mos and we've managed to do it once! Too much pain the other times inside, not out. After I was treated lst time, things were great and I got pg 9 mos pp.


----------



## kimmysue2 (Feb 26, 2003)

I have no idea what degree my rip was but it took over 20 stiches (Dr would not tell me the exact number). He also did a episiotomy on my which I think helped me rip more.

I am another year before sex did not hurt. I was surprised at how long it took to heal if you count pain wise


----------



## wendy1221 (Feb 9, 2004)

My doctor also did not tell me what degree tear I had or how bad it was. But ds was posterior and had his hand up at his face. My doc did not give me an episiotomy nd I didn't tear w/ his head. But his shoulders and elbow came out all at once (I couldn't stop pushing) and I tore really really badly. I had stitches inside my vagina and out. I was very close to tearing my rectal muscle, but didn't and I also tore the whole way to my urethra (man did it burn when I peed those first few days!). I had about 15-20 stitches.

Anyway, my point is, sex hurt for a long time after than. I'd say it hurt bad for the first 6 mos and then kept getting better and better until it didn't hurt anymore. We were using plenty of lube since I was bfing. Not sure when it quit hurting exactly b/c I quit having sex w/ ds's dad when he was 9 mos old and didn't have sex again until ds was about 15 mos old and I was dating someone else. It still hurt a little at 9 mos, I think, but not too bad, but not at all at 15 mos.

I think scar tissue just takes a lot more time to stretch than healthy tissue. KWIM? So it takes a while, but it does get better. Of course, I have a very good friend who claims she had her first 2 so close together on purpose b/c she knew she hadn't healed right w/ the first and needed to retear to fix it. She claims it worked. Dunno.

PS. I had a small episiotomy w/ my 2nd (2 stitches) and we had sex for the first time at 6 weeks and it was a little uncomfortable, but not painful.


----------



## Shell (Jul 12, 2003)

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies! I am going to share your replies with dh soon. There is hope!

Yes, I am bf'ing, and yes, we're using lots of lube. I'm not sure how I feel about my midwife's compentency in evaluating my situation. On the one hand, I guess I just have to wait it out and let the natural healing process occur. On the other hand, I feel there may be some options to explore that my midwife is not aware of. I don't know...

Sex has gotten a bit less painful each time we've tried, but we are a far cry from a normal lovelife. Hopefully, though, the trend will continue. With so much to think about when having a baby, this was just the last thing I imagined would happen (even though my best friend repeatedly told me how after birth she was "broke down there."). It is weird not having my body be the same as it used to be, not to mention the lack of a sex life! Fortunately, my dh is very understanding and patient.

I'm still interested in hearing other experiences, if there is anyone else that wants to share. A heartfelt thanks, everyone.


----------



## Noelia430 (Aug 6, 2003)

I personally feel that the particular midwife you speak of is very competent, but if you feel that there is more that can be done there are always 3 more midwives at the bc that you can go see.







Maybe the fact that they are also women will make you feel a bit more comfortable.


----------



## Shell (Jul 12, 2003)

Oh phoey! I promised my dh that no one "local" would read this post! He'd be mortified to know that any aspect of our sexlife was public! Oh well... Ha!

Just so you know, I absolutely LOVE the midwife we speak of, and yes, he is incredibly competent. But he was the first to admit that he is not a specialist in this area, which is what made me question if there are possibly other options. He encouraged me to wait it out, and I will follow that advice.

I actually feel so much more comfortable with him than the other mw's. He is such a wonderful and genuine person.


----------



## Noelia430 (Aug 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Shell*
Oh phoey! I promised my dh that no one "local" would read this post! He'd be mortified to know that any aspect of our sexlife was public! Oh well... Ha!

Just so you know, I absolutely LOVE the midwife we speak of, and yes, he is incredibly competent. But he was the first to admit that he is not a specialist in this area, which is what made me question if there are possibly other options. He encouraged me to wait it out, and I will follow that advice.

I actually feel so much more comfortable with him than the other mw's. He is such a wonderful and genuine person.









Tell your dh not to worry about it!
I know others that feel more comfortable with him than the other mw's, too. I thought a male mw was kind of weird at first (I'm not too fond of male OB's) but after I met him and saw him "in action" I felt differently. He is a sweetheart.


----------

