# 12 year old wants cell phone do she can text



## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Would you allow a 12 yr old to own a cell phone for the express purpose of texting people? (her friends). I would prefer to stay away from any discussion of "a tween/teen should have a phone for safety". That is not where I need input.

The plan she is looking at will cost her about 25$ a month (she only gets about 40$ a month). There is no contract, but if she leaves Kudo before her tab is paid, she will owe on the remainder of the phone ($100).

I am worried somewhat about texting itself - the frequency with which teens do it is alarming! Here is an article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/26/health/26teen.html?_r=1

I know all her friedns do it...which is why she wants in on it. I worry because it takes up a large chunk of her money, and it takes up so much time/energy.


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## sharon71 (May 27, 2005)

My answer is yes,I'd allow it but also monitor and read her texts. My girls are now 13 and 15 but have had cell phones for about 2 yrs now.

They now are allowed all features their phones offer.


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## AngieB (Oct 25, 2003)

Yes, I have a 12 year old DD and she has a cell phone that she texts on. DD's phone is an old phone of mine that I gave her when I upgraded to a smart phone. We added her to our plan for $10 a month and she has unlimited texting. She really doesn't do that much texting and a lot of it is to her grandparents and other family members. We blocked her ability to text anything that charges to do so (example: American Idol voting by text). We do check the text sometime just to kept tabs on things.

If your dd is willing to use her own money then it must be pretty important to her.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I don't see why a 12 year old would need to text. Then again I don't see why anyone would really need to text unless they need to contact someone while in the middle of a meeting or something.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

I would. If it is her money to do whatever she wants to then why not let her do it. It isn't costing you anything.

My dd has had her phone for a year. She texts, not crazy like some kids do but that may come later. some of her friends she doesn't see very often or live an hour or more away.

It is cheaper to text than to call.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CarrieMF*
> 
> It is cheaper to text than to call.


The landline we have is free for her to use









I think it is a waste of money and has the potential for misuse.

It is her money, though....maybe it will not be a waste to her, or maybe she will earn a lesson about money management if it is.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

My kids both got their phones at 10. DD started texting at 12. At first, she had like 2000 texts a month. But after a 2 or 3 months, it started to dwindle. She's 13 and she averages about 900 a month (450 coming in, 450 coming out.) It goes up in the summer and drops down during the school year. For her, it's a way to communicate with her friends who are spread out all over the county. It's cheaper than using minutes and most parents actually don't want their kids using up the minutes for this reason... this means they all text. I can keep track of who and when she's texting from the phone bill. My DS (10) has texting (family plan) he uses about 10 a month and only to us or his sister. I use about 400 a month and my friends and I often text because we carpool and it's nice to just shoot out an "on my way" and such.

We've never had issues with how much or it being distruptive to the family. Our issue just recently has been texting past bed time. This started largely because DD is now in high school and seems to be the only one left with a bedtime. We handle it by having her put her electronics outside her door at 10 each school night.... easy fix.

As with all things, how your child handles it depends on what else is going on in their lives. The kids that get in trouble with texting tend to be those that use it as recreation as opposed to communication. My teenager has a heavy academic schedule and puts in a lot of hours each week working in theatre (her passion and her social community.) When she has down time, she doesn't want to spend it on the texting, that's for sure. Texting is communication from mostly about 3 people she doesn't get to see daily but who are her closest friends.

For us, texting has been a plus. Whether it's tight for your DD and your family, I can't say.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

No, I wouldn't. I don't see the need for a 12yo to text anyone.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CarrieMF*
> 
> It is cheaper to text than to call.


Not around here it isn't.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

On our cell phone plan, we have 3 phones. Unlimited family text messages costs 20 dollars. That is far less than upgrading to the next minute package. We have the lowest minute plan available and we're happy not to have to upgrade.

If you are talking land line, sure, it's cheaper to call than text... at least for those that still have land lines. Kids don't talk on the phone unless it's to their parents. By limiting your child to the landline, well, they aren't going to be communicating much with anyone. If this is what you prefer then that's fantastic. It's not what we prefer.

Fact is, this debate has been going on since the phone was invented and will go on with whatever new form of conversation follows. There was a time when no one thought a home computer would be useful lol. It's just amazing we all survived the the Atari and private phone lines like IN your own room lol.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *MusicianDad*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


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## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

It is her money and I would allow it. You can also set rules-no texting at dinner, phone in a basket in your room after 9 pm or similar. We don't even have a landline anymore and neither do most of our friends.


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## mama1803 (Mar 4, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *zinemama*
> 
> No, I wouldn't. I don't see the need for a 12yo to text anyone.


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Sure - it's her money. I'd suggest Virgin Mobile instead - $25 a month for 300 minutes plus unlimited text and web, and compatible phones start at $10 or so. Oh, and no contract.


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## sublimeliving (Dec 21, 2010)

I would absolutely let my twelve-year-old have a cell phone with texting. Texting has replaced calling for tweens/teens, and I know that other kids don't talk on the phone anymore. I would also let my twelve-year-old email people (it's the same concept as texting).


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *whatsnextmom*
> 
> By limiting your child to the landline, well, they aren't going to be communicating much with anyone. If this is what you prefer then that's fantastic. It's not what we prefer.
> 
> Fact is, this debate has been going on since the phone was invented and will go on with whatever new form of conversation follows. There was a time when no one thought a home computer would be useful lol. *It's just amazing we all survived the the Atari and private phone lines like IN your own room lol.*


I think it is quite a jump to say if we limit them to landline they will not be communicating much with anyone. Maybe it is a regional thing.

My DC do talk on the phone. While I am not a fan of Facebook or MSN, DD uses those as well. I also do not think people need to be able to contact their friends 24/7. The teenage years can be peer based enough without adding this element to it.

Bolding mine. I must admit I find your second paragraph a little mocking. We are not techie junkies - not do we abhor all technology. I think the culture I live in has a tendency to glom onto new technology and buy into it - whether or not it is a good idea. I think it is very reasonable to analyse new technology before letting it into your life. There are regular discussion on MDC on whether TV and video games are bad - I tend to think they are not, but I hardly mock posters who question them.

To quote the NYtimes

"Spurred by the unlimited texting plans offered by carriers like AT&T Mobility and Verizon Wireless, American teenagers sent and received an average of 2,272 text messages per month in the fourth quarter of 2008, according to the Nielsen Company - almost 80 messages a day, more than double the average of a year earlier.

The phenomenon is beginning to worry physicians andpsychologists, who say it is leading to anxiety, distraction in school, falling grades, repetitive stress injury and sleep deprivation".

That does not mean my child will develop misuse issues - but they got those stats from somewhere, and I am not so naive as to think my child is immune, either

Oh, and I have never had a phone line in my room.

Kathy


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

My kids are on our phone plan. I use to say just pay as your go. But with my plan I can monitor calls, how many text, I can see if she has sent any picture/movie text. I can block phone numbers. Or shut down the phone if I feel the need to. I like having the parental controls the other pay as you go do not necessarily have.

They know no calls after 10 or phones will be taken away.

Texting is like whispering....but it can be more permanent. We talk about cyber bullying. We talk about photos and the web. We are very open about these issues.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Thanks to the posters who have suggested some of the safeguards... I will think about those if we make the leap.


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kathymuggle*
> 
> Quote:
> *I think it is a waste of money and has the potential for misuse.*
> ...


I am a person who texts, but I don't even do it everyday. I realize people have all sorts of reasons in the pro and con catagories on this subject, but I personally still look at a cell as a luxury item especially for only texting and for a young kid.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

I'm not sure what the right answer is. I have a 12 y/o as well, who does not have a phone yet, but most certainly would want to text if she did. My guess is that she would be texting me, lol. The thing about texting is that it is really a cultural norm for our kids-they don't seem see anything odd about it, while I think actually talking on the phone can seem more of an oddity. This is just a personal observation.

I know that you wanted to stay away from the issue of safety, but I can imagine the texting feature to be a safety feature in certain circumstances.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

sure the landline is free for her but a cel isn't costing you money either.

Depending on the plan her friends it can cost them alot of money for her to call them. most people have free texting on their plans.

Having the cel/texting gives her some privacy from phone calls too. Yes you can take a cordless phone into a room where nobody else is but people can still overhear. To kids this age privacy is very important, even if it's just not wanting you to know that she's talking to her best friend.

Last month my 12yo sent/received 367 messages.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *CarrieMF*
> 
> Depending on the plan her friends it can cost them alot of money for her to call them. most people have free texting on their plans.
> 
> Last month my 12yo sent/received 367 messages.


Her friends can use a landline if they want to contact her..or email..or a social networking site if she is on. It really isn't her (or my) issue if it costs her friends money if they choose to call her on a cell.

I am glad to hear your DD does not overuse her cell.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

To those of you who said "no" can you be a bit more specific on why?

It might help me process things...thanks!

I do agree it is her money...is there a dollar amount for a 12 yr old where you would go "no, wait, stop" if you thought it was an iffy purchase?

Kathy


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## happysmileylady (Feb 6, 2009)

I am of two minds on this.

On one hand, I think the idea of anyone having a cell phone just for texting is silly. I really tend to think of a phone as a tool, and I don't think texting, particularly as a teen/preteen, is really one of those things that is really functioning as a tool. But then again, I don't see much of a point in txting anyway. I have used it occasionally when I know that DH is in a meeting or in class, as opposed to when he can answer a phone call. But really, any other time, I simply dial the phone and actually make a call. So to me, having the phone JUST for texting is weird.

My dd did get a phone at 13, but it was for things like calling me if soccer practice finishes early or whatever. And she calls, she doesn't text.

On the other hand though, I think kids learn what they experience and the best way to learn how to properly handle a phone and a phone and texting bill is to handle it themselves. And if she's going to pay for it all herself, there's no better teacher IMO.

Interesting side note...my dd (who turned 15 today) just recently started hanging out with a new boyfriend. And he texted her last week, at midnight, just to tell her goodnight. She was NOT pleased with him at all. She didn't respond to the text and called him the next morning and let him know that that was way to late for a phone call or text. I haven't ever had any restrictions on her phone.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:


> I do agree it is her money...is there a dollar amount for a 12 yr old where you would go "no, wait, stop" if you thought it was an iffy purchase?


no, especially since this is a monthly purchase not a big 1 time payment.

But then my 8yo bought herself a yoga jacket & capris for $100 last spring. It was her money she really wanted it & I explained several times that purchasing this meant she couldn't get anything else, that if she did not buy this she could buy several other clothes. Nope she wanted this. She has not regretted it & would wear it everyday if she could & it isn't even pink or sparkly.lol

My 12yo wanted an ipad or laptop for her birthday(nov). I told her fat chance & to save her money up. She had zero money at that time. Between birthday money, babysitting & christmas money she will have enough for an ipod touch(she changed her mind) tomorrow. Because of boxing day sales we purchased it for her on Sunday. Yeah we could have bought it for her for christmas but this was a money lesson we really wanted to teach her - you want something bad enough you use your own money & save for it even if it takes a while.


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## D_McG (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sublimeliving*
> 
> I would absolutely let my twelve-year-old have a cell phone with texting. Texting has replaced calling for tweens/teens, and I know that other kids don't talk on the phone anymore. I would also let my twelve-year-old email people (it's the same concept as texting).


ITA with this.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Hmm, I posted but it only shows the quotes. Let's see if I can do this again.

For starters, 80 texts a day.... That is 40 texts in and 40 texts out. Have you seen what these texts look like? The are typically 4 to 5 words each... little snippets of conversation. You don't think you could have said 40 lines to your friend on the phone when you were a teen? My own DD did this much the first couple months she could text but then it dropped to half of that. She's about 20 lines in and 20 lines out a day average. As long as it's before 10 and night, I see no problem with that. Wouldn't you say that the concerns the pyschologists are having could be reflective of MANY factors in the modern child's life today? Anxiety? Sleep Deprivation? Falling Grades? Do we really feel this is all texting? You don't think we can't pinpoint 20 other factors contributing to this?

I'm surprised that you are ok with facebook but concerned about texting. To me, facebook is more problematic and we only let my eldest start when she began high school. With texting, you at least know when, how much and with who they are texting. On facebook, chat is blind and you aren't going to find a record of who they communicated with or when. There is even a way for them to choose who sees them available for chat and who doesn't. Unless you are friends with ALL of their friends AND their friend's friends, what your child has written and has had written to them won't be on their wall or your newsfeed. Children have FAR more exposure to people you don't know (and they don't know) than they do with texting. I'm not saying you haven't kept tabs on how your child is using facebook at all. I'm just saying that between the two, texting is easier to track as a parent.

I was being mocking with the atari comment... not towards you but to our culture as a whole. We tend to be alarmist and often we worry about the wrong things. Our media latches on to whatever sells and they rarely tell the WHOLE story. Yes, there are going to be kids who get in trouble with texting but those kids tend to have a whole host of risk factors attached to them. Reporting that parents need to be more involved doesn't sell papers.*Wouldn'*WoulnWoud

Yes, absolutely you should look into things before bringing them in the house. This is why my kids didn't watch TV when they were little and why we didn't have a video game system until last year and still only with totally family friendly games. I didn't want those things to be prominent figures in my kid's childhood and so I ommitted them until I knew they found LIFE more interesting than screens. However, I recognize this as my own preference. I'm not going to suggest it's wrong for ALL children and that those who let their kids watch TV and play video games are allowing them to be corrupted.

I've been working under the assumption that you are a good parent. I'm guessing you talk to your child, have meals together, communicate with the school, know your child's friends, encourage them to be involved in activities that require dedication, focus, team work, positive peer interaction... activities like sports, music, theatre, community service groups, ect. If I'm correct and you ARE this parent, texting isn't going to be powerful enough to corrupt your child. If you don't want it, I'll be first in line to support you! Let's just learn from our own history that this is an argument that will never end. There will always be SOMETHING the media is telling us to fear... let's just take a step back and really look at things in reguards to our own circumstances.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kathymuggle*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Whatsnextmom...I think you quoted me, but did not comment, lol. It seems apropos to blame new MDC technology on it. (see..technology is bad...just joking














)


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Yes, it didn't post the first time but I've fixed it. Unfortunately, it won't let me edit again for the typos but ah well.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kathymuggle*
> 
> Whatsnextmom...I think you quoted me, but did not comment, lol. It seems apropos to blame new MDC technology on it. (see..technology is bad...just joking
> 
> ...


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *sublimeliving*
> 
> I would absolutely let my twelve-year-old have a cell phone with texting. Texting has replaced calling for tweens/teens, and I know that other kids don't talk on the phone anymore. I would also let my twelve-year-old email people (it's the same concept as texting).


Agreed. It is really odd to me that people are against 12 yr olds texting but would let them call someone on the phone. It's about to be 2011 - texting has replaced most phone calls for teens, and a 12 yr old is a preteen, so I don't see the problem. If you'd trust them enough to communicate with friends using other methods,IMO texting should also be allowed.

I added my DD to my plan for $10 a month and we have an unlimited texting plan that is $20 for both phones. It means we can get by with the smallest number of minutes offered (we don't have a landline, so all calls are on cells).


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Thanks, whatnextmom...that last post had a lot of food for thought.

On the facebook thing...sigh. I resisted as long as possible. Her and a friend set it up in the library one day. They were upfront about it. I know she does not go on much. The only computer in the house (she does not have a laptop) is in the living room. She may go on elsewhere (library) but it is in a moderate amount.

I am leery of technology as a whole - or leery of the amount of it we let in our lives. We already have mild overuse of computer/tv/video games in our house...and now another person wants another thing. I think this is at the root of it for me - it isn't the texting per se...it is yet another "techie thing". I am a bit of a simple live-r at heart - I am not sure if this is something that is appropriate to push on my children or not. I can (and do) certainly role model it - but at her age she probably can make this decision.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Drummer's Wife*
> 
> Agreed. It is really odd to me that people are against 12 yr olds texting but would let them call someone on the phone. It's about to be 2011 - texting has replaced most phone calls for teens, and a 12 yr old is a preteen, so I don't see the problem. If you'd trust them enough to communicate with friends using other methods,IMO texting should also be allowed.I added my DD to my plan for $10 a month and we have an unlimited texting plan that is $20 for both phones. It means we can get by with the smallest number of minutes offered (we don't have a landline, so all calls are on cells).


We have one phone. Of course she can use it. It is a cordless, so she can bring it to her room if she wants privacy. She does on occasion. No biggie.

The difference is the phone is not always in her pocket. She cannot call/text people during class time. She cannot call/text people in bed. She does not call people at restaurants or in movies, etc, etc. A friend of my sons does all of the above - he texts everywhere and anywhere...that is the difference between a landline and and a cell phone.

The argument that "letting people talk on the phone is the same as texting" does not hold with me.


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## AngieB (Oct 25, 2003)

I think whenever you tell a child no you can't have or do something all of there friends do it becomes the forbidden fruit and it's all they can think about. We have close family friends with 2 boys. Mom is very stricked about video games, they are very controlled and limited on the time they are allowed to play them. When ever the boys come to play at my house it's all they want to do. My ds who has less restrictions wants to do other things. Yesterday the boys came over, brought their own DS games and sat on my couch for 4 hours and played their games while my ds played alone. I kept telling them to put the games down and go play they would and as soon as I turned my back they were back out there playing. My dd has a cell phone with unlimited texting. She uses it very little. Her friend who does not have one uses her phone all the time, probably way more than my dd. I'm not say let your kids have a free for all, but It seems to me that the tighter you hold onto the "forbidden fruit" the harder your kids are going to pull.


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## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

> The difference is the phone is not always in her pocket. She cannot call/text people during class time. She cannot call/text people in bed. She does not call people at restaurants or in movies, etc, etc. A friend of my sons does all of the above - he texts everywhere and anywhere...that is the difference between a landline and and a cell phone.
> 
> The argument that "letting people talk on the phone is the same as texting" does not hold with me.


Chances are her school has a strong cell phone policy and enforces it. The school my neices go to sure does.

I believe that having a phone is a privilege. I believe that many parents should be limiting texting during certain times and situations. But, I also see this an a really great opportunity for you and your daughter to work together to find a mutually agreeable solution.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *oaktreemama*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is where I am heading. It is her money, and she is free to do with it what she wants. I have called the provider she wants- and they maintain there are no extra charges, but we shall see (where I live there are always hidden charges). There is tax as well. She is to be 100% responsible for this. If she messes up she will be in financial debt to me for a long time.

I will not let her text after she has turned in for the night. I do not think she will want to - she is fond of her sleep. I am not sure I will put this out as a rule - I will more see if night time texting develops and take it from there.

I will be firm that I do not want random texting at meals or on outings. We do not allow phone calls during meals very often, likewise people have to break away from the computer or tv to eat supper. The same holds for cells.

She can take her cell to school if she wants (and she will) but I will explain to her all the reasons it might not be a good idea, and let her make up her own mind. The school may have a policy as well. She will need to decide whether to abide by it or pay the consequences.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kathymuggle*
> 
> We have one phone. Of course she can use it. It is a cordless, so she can bring it to her room if she wants privacy. She does on occasion. No biggie.
> 
> ...


But why not just set limits with her? No texting past whatever time, no texting during family meals, no texting at school, etc.

If her friends have time and the desire to sit on the phone, then yeah - talking on a cordless phone might appeal to her. But the thing is, that phone calls are being phased out for other means of communication: texting, emails, IM's, even FaceTime or skype. It's like if you were forced to write a snail mail letter to communicate, or sending a telegram before phones were invented.

Plenty of kids/teens/young adults DO have cell phones mainly or even soley for texting. I still happen to call people on the phone from time to time (though I really dislike talking on the phone most of the time); however, that's b/c it is generally older people (like my mom), who haven't switched to texting. I really think as our younger generation gets older, actual phone calls will be used sparsely - at least among friends/socially. We might still call businesses frequently (I much prefer e-mailing if at all possible), but to talk to a girlfriend or make plans - texting it will be.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

I'm actually with you on the tech. I don't like that push to always have the latest and greatest. Frankly, we are always out-of-date largely because I would rather spend our money on travel than gadgets lol. I am also leary of anything that distances yourself from "real" interaction and fosters anonomous society. I just don't feel it's the root of all evil that the media routinely bombards us with ironically. Fact is, the lives of American children have changed in MANY substantial ways. Half of marriages end in divorce. Our economy is such that it's difficult to make ends meet without 2 fullt-time working parents. We tend to live far from extended family and so more iscolated, less of a support network. Kids are spending more hours in school and daycare and less at home. They are aggressively marketed too in a way even we didn't see as children. Higher education has become both more neccessary and less available. It's tougher to get into universities and even tougher to pay for which makes the whole process stressful. Of course, on an individual basis, these changes can be neccessary and even beneficial but we also have to acknowledge that technology is just part of what is different today.

To put my cards on the table, the main reason we started allowing DD (13) to text was because she's a different sort of kid. She is always well-liked and successful at school but she's intensely private and only really connects deeply to a handful of individuals. Unfortuantly, these individuals aren't found at school with her. They are kids she finds through shared interest activities and often it's weeks and months between when they have shared project. They are also as busy as her... get togethers are tough. Still, they are her life line, her sanity and where she feels totally accepted. Every kid needs that. We can fight it all we want but teens just don't use the phone. Like our generation pretty much dumped letter writing for the phone and email, this generation has dumped the phone and email for texting. We allowed video games for a similar reason. My DS (10) was SO out of the loop with other boys his age. It wasn't a big deal when he was 6 but when he turned 9 and was in 4th grade, he was routinely excluded because most conversations started about video games and he couldn't contribute. He didn't have that ice breaker that the other boys had. So, we brought it in the games in the way we felt most comfortable and school and making new male friends became easier for DS.

It is tough to be what seems the last hold out but you know your child and family best. You'll make the right choice.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kathymuggle*
> 
> Thanks, whatnextmom...that last post had a lot of food for thought.
> 
> ...


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## JulianneW (Dec 17, 2010)

My issue with it is this,

*"Friends" will say things over text that they would never say to your face*. Being a middle school girl not that long ago, I remember getting on MSN chat during sleepovers and girls saying terrible things to each other. Girls would log on and ask you what you thought about something or someone while the other person was there. Once a girl pretended to be a guy I liked and asked me out. Recently my friends middle school sister was at a birthday party, she gave her friends her brothers number and they started texting him anonymously from a friends phone. It used to be call a number and hang up, it has evolved into anonymous texting ( texting a person from a phone number they don't know).

Personally, I feel for a 12 yr old its an unnecessary form of communication, that places added stress on children at a difficult time when they are most vulnerable.


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## choli (Jun 20, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *JulianneW*
> 
> My issue with it is this,
> 
> ...


 The thing is that OP's DD not having a cell phone is not going to prevent other kids texting about her - she will just hear it secondhand instead of receiving the text herself. It will just make her the one that is out of the loop, and eventually possibly out of the group, as she will not be able to use the primary form of communication of that group.

I think texting is just the modern version of passing notes, as we used to do when I was in school - shows how old I am, I guess.


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

Absolutely.  Dd has unlimited texting just for this reason.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

Quote:


> The difference is the phone is not always in her pocket. She cannot call/text people during class time. She cannot call/text people in bed. She does not call people at restaurants or in movies, etc, etc. A friend of my sons does all of the above - he texts everywhere and anywhere...that is the difference between a landline and and a cell phone.


Have rules & it will be fine. My dd doesn't use her phone at meal time. In the theatre it is turned off(she knows if she's caught she'll get kicked out of the theatre by them. At school, they have rules. At my dd's school they can have them on them but they are turned off/silent/vibrate to not distrupt the class. They CANNOT use them at all during class. They can use them before school, on their 2 breaks & at lunch. At the school dances they can have them but if they are caught using them(especially if they are caught taking photos) the phone is taken away until after the dance.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

> Originally Posted by *JulianneW*
> 
> My issue with it is this,
> 
> ...


This is called cyber bulling. This can happen even if your child does not have a cell phone or Facebook or very strict internet action.

ADL has a lot of information on cyberbulling -- http://www.adl.org/cyberbullying/ because your child does not have access to technology it doesn't mean they can't/won't be cyberbullied.

They can call your home phone, ask for her and then call her bad names just as easy on the cell. I forgot the kid's name I read about but there was a web site that had his name and said "I hate" everyone at school knew about it. It was up for months before it was taken down. Denying your kids cell phones and net access to prevent it -- really is putting your head in the sand about cyberbulling and how to handle it. I would encourage all parents to look into the adl information and many other websites out there about bulling and cyberbulling.

My 12 year old has a cell phone like many people in her class. They get them taken away if they are caught texting without permission. She knows to turn if off in movies and dinner time. Or she looses the phone. Her friends know we are mean about it. If it gets taken away at school we are suppose to come up and get it. But she knows if it gets taken away at school she will get a new phone when she can afford to buy one.

My son is 16 and a sophmore. He knows the rules.

They both have learned to ignore text and the phone. We ignore our home and cell phones when we eating or driving. They know if they call while we are driving it will be ignored.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

short answer, no I wouldn't. I would give my 12 year old a cell phone, if I felt they needed it for MY convenience ( if I need to contact them regarding pick ups from school or outings ect) and it would come with rules. But there is no way I'm giving a 12 year old a cell just so he/she can text their friends.


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## mamabeca (Oct 3, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kathymuggle*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


If you are willing for her to make a mistake with it and not freak on her, I say give it a go! She might be able to show you how reliable and trustworthy she is. If you aren't willing for her to fall, don't let her jump. She'll get there eventually. ;-)


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## littlest birds (Jul 18, 2004)

My dd has a free app on an ipod touch (not even a phone!) that allows her to text. She has no account, no bill, and can text friends as much as she wants. FWIW. I was really surprised when I heard how it worked.


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## CarrieMF (Mar 7, 2004)

my dd got that too. If any of their friends have an itouch or an iphone they can make calls too on the itouch too.


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## LilacRhodes (Sep 2, 2010)

From her first phone at the age of 14 through the first two years of college, I had my dd on our family plan. We had a limit of X amount of texts per month, maybe 300? ~ if you went past the limit, it would be 10 cents per text. We never went close to the limit for years. We texted back & forth (I didn't text at first, but finally a coworker showed me how, and I took to it quickly) in the family, dd & her friends would text each other once in a while. A lot of her HS friends live in a nearby area with no tower, thus no service. With ds it was mainly between me & him, or him & his friends ("where are you?" "coming over" and an update to me whenever he changed location, which was an agreement between us at the time.

The first month dd went away to school I was surprised to see an extra $425 on my/our cell phone bill ~ 10 cents for every text sent or received, over the limit on our plan. Of course, I changed to unlimited texting right away (I doubt that it was even 20 a month for the three of us combined ~ wish I knew beforehand that her texting habits would change, or that dd had known beforehand that it would cause a big bill~). But anyway, that's part of the culture at her school (at least among her friends). I think it worked out to 150 texts a day. I was wondering how they had time for anything else!

I don't scrutinize their phone use closely (actually dd has her own plan now anyway, I'm only paying for the ds's nowadays). If I saw a pattern of it being abused - i.e. texting instead of sleeping, or paying attention to the teacher - I would probably restrict it, after a warning.

The cell phone and the older guy are different issues. Thirteen is very young, chronologically, but not everyone develops at the same rate socially, intellectually, physically, etc. I don't think texting is what causes the problem. When I was younger we didn't have cell phones. My boyfriend in high school was seven years older than I was (22 when I was 15) my parents knew him socially & didn't like him one bit. They tried forbidding me to see him, making me stay home, calling my friends' houses to check up on me and so on. The result ~ as soon as homeroom was over most days, I was out on the highway hitchhiking the ten miles to my boyfriend's place, & cutting most of my classes, if not all. Somehow I managed to graduate. . . I got married when I turned 18 (he was 25) & moved far far away with him. My parents and I were estranged for years over this.

Just my experience







~ I mean, this sort of thing has been going on since the time of Romeo & Juliet (probably longer). And she was only twelve! (almost thirteen). As I recall, Romeo was about 17, and the guy Juliet's parents wanted her to marry was older than that. I realize that's fiction, and was written centuries ago.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *kathymuggle*
> 
> "Spurred by the unlimited texting plans offered by carriers like AT&T Mobility and Verizon Wireless, American teenagers sent and received an average of 2,272 text messages per month in the fourth quarter of 2008, according to the Nielsen Company - almost 80 messages a day, more than double the average of a year earlier.
> 
> ...


I work with a lot of twenty-somethings who are unable to ignore their phones. Seriously. We're not supposed to have our cell phones out at work. If they feel their phones vibrate because of a new text, they absolutely freak out until they can check it. It's like everything their friends have to say is some sort of emergency. It baffles me. They will leave the main floor in a complete tizzy or hide in a dimly lit corner to check their messages.....every five freakin' minutes. I find it a pathetic state of affairs and am glad that our own personal lifestyle has lent itself to no need for texting.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Juliet was "not quite 14" and they never say how old Romeo is but certainly, times were different back then. There was no "teenager." You were a little girl and then a married woman. Ford is actually credited for creating the "teenager" in the way that we know them now due to the advent of the car. With cars, teens started to hang out together and without their parents. Before, you were home and then you were married. Of course, you didn't live nearly as long either lol.

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *LilacRhodes*
> 
> From her first phone at the age of 14 through the first two years of college, I had my dd on our family plan. We had a limit of X amount of texts per month, maybe 300? ~ if you went past the limit, it would be 10 cents per text. We never went close to the limit for years. We texted back & forth (I didn't text at first, but finally a coworker showed me how, and I took to it quickly) in the family, dd & her friends would text each other once in a while. A lot of her HS friends live in a nearby area with no tower, thus no service. With ds it was mainly between me & him, or him & his friends ("where are you?" "coming over" and an update to me whenever he changed location, which was an agreement between us at the time.
> 
> ...


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

We got DS1 a cell phone last summer since he goes out and plays a lot and also we dont have a land line, we have family text anyway so all we pay is $10/month for the additional line. I remember when I was a teen I lived on the phone, my family had to pay extra for call waiting LOL at least texting is free and if we need to get a hold of him at any time we can.


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## weliveintheforest (Sep 3, 2005)

This is a hard one! I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't really feel like I could say no either. Something that might be good is to ask her to wait a couple of months, and save the money she would be spending each month, just to be sure she can afford it. It's one thing to plan on using 3/4 of her allowance, but in reality it might be hard.

I'd also talk about what kind of limits she thinks are reasonable and would work for you, like maybe she leaves the phone with you when she goes to her room for the night, or has it turned off during certain times, or whatever.


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## Anastasiya (Jun 13, 2006)

I agree with 2xy. This easy technology has become so much of an addiction for some people....constantly texting, twittering, face booking, etc. I find it absurd. Even most of the adults in my life will drop everything to respond to those annoying, incessant texts that are constantly rolling in. They interrupt everything - work, eating out, birthday parties, etc. It's an obsession.

It seems to me sometimes that today's kids are growing up with such artificial connections to people. Used to be we talked face to face, then we started only talking to others over the phone. Now we talk only through typing. Where has the _human_ connection gone?

Anyway, no, my kids will not have cell phones explicitly for the purpose of texting.

I also agree with another poster in that friends don't need to be a constant part of one's daily life, at least in our home.

As for me, I only text DH when I cannot reach his cell. And I text through email.


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## Kristine233 (Jul 15, 2003)

It baffles me that people think 100+ (or even more) texts are a lot. One of our rules is I get full acres to her phone and can check messages whenever I want (which is rare lol). Her conversations go like this:

Dd: hi, what's up?
Friend: nothing
Dd: oh
Friend: my dog just rolled over
Dd: so cute!
Dd: my dog is sleeping
Friend: lol

Really, most are so pointless but thats just how kids talk lol. And the majority of the messages are 1 or 2 words, so it's not like they are long and taking up a lot of time. Texts add up fast! We have dd added for $10 a month and unlimited texting. She started out on a cheap phone and when she decided she wanted to text more she saved her money and bought one with a keyboard pad thing. No one really has land lines here anymore, they cost more than cell plans because everything more than 10 miles away is long distance. So most parents here allow their kids to have cells and limit them to texting because the family plan has unlimited and mom and dad use the minutes. The school has strict cell policies and enforces them. Dd won't even call me from school and instead uses a school phone just to make sure she doesn't break policy. At first she always had her phone with, then as the newness wore off she didn't as much. She only grabs it if she is expecting a text for making plans with a friend now. It just hasn't been that big of a deal. We also enforce rules and she follows them.

It was harder for me to allow Facebook. But I know kids can find ways around getting permission so I was proactive and agreed under the agreement that it uses my email and i have the password (she doesn't know it). Thus, it is always signed in on our spare laptop for her to use, but she cant access it elsewhere. And i get email notifications for all friend requests etc so I know what's going on. I give her privacy to her conversations with friends but i know what friends she is talking to and who has access to her info.

With all things, i think it's just a matter of setting rules and having good communication.


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## ecoteat (Mar 3, 2006)

I'm the tech coordinator in a school that has middle school kids in it and parents are always asking me for advice. I always send them here:

http://www.commonsensemedia.org/cell-phones-tips

http://www.commonsensemedia.org/responsible-text-messaging-tips

My dd is only 4, so I don't feel like I can offer much practical advice, but I can do a little of the legwork for them and find hopefully helpful resources. As long as you have clearly understood rules for how the phone is used and stick to them, it will be fine.


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Kristine233*
> At first she always had her phone with, then as the newness wore off she didn't as much. She only grabs it if she is expecting a text for making plans with a friend now. It just hasn't been that big of a deal. We also enforce rules and she follows them.
> 
> It was harder for me to allow Facebook. But I know kids can find ways around getting permission so I was proactive and agreed under the agreement that it uses my email and i have the password (she doesn't know it).


For us, texting is not necessary and I'm not willing to spend the money on either the phones or the texting plans. My cell phone is a bare-bones Tracfone that I spend about $20 on, and we have another Tracfone that one or both of my kids will take with them on outings or to work. I probably spend about $20/month on minutes. My husband does not feel comfortable NOT having a landline, so we will probably always have one. The only time I text people is if I'm trying to get ahold of someone whom I know is a text freak; that's often the only way to communicate with them, and I have a couple of friends who qualify. Out of my kids' close friends, only one or two are text junkies. One lives two houses over, so he just comes over if he wants to talk to someone. Sometimes he calls. He knows that our cell phones spend most of their time collecting dust or turned off, so texting us would be an exercise in futility.

I understand where you're coming from, but I strongly feel that if I can't trust the situation, my kids shouldn't be in it. I didn't want my boys growing up with me rifling through their messages and hovering over their conversations. My boys have played games online (like World of Warcraft and other MMORPGS, XBOX online, etc.) and have had Facebook for years now. I didn't and don't snoop through their conversations, though I do have the advantage of knowing all their IRL friends very well, since most of their friends are the children of my own friends...and their FB profiles are public and they are my FB friends, so I can see everyone they accept as a friend.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I probably would allow it. It's how kids socialize these days. I don't like it, but it's reality. (i'd probably add her to our family's plan though, and have her pay for her phone)

It does suck a LOT of time though. My daughter could get her work done in HALF the time if she'd stop texting.


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## fairejour (Apr 15, 2004)

I say let her have the phone, but do NOT give her one with a camera or the ability to send or receive pictures. There is nothing good that can come from a teen having he ability to take and send pictures.


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## 2cutiekitties (Dec 3, 2006)

I am just curious to all those saying yeah were you a family that restricted television or plastic toys when they were younger?


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## Dar (Apr 12, 2002)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *2cutiekitties*
> 
> I am just curious to all those saying yeah were you a family that restricted television or plastic toys when they were younger?


Nope. Same basic philosophy for almost 18 years...


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## 2xy (Nov 30, 2008)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *Dar*
> 
> Quote:
> 
> ...


And I'm one of the naysayers, but we didn't restrict TV or toys, either.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I would let her have it, but I read in Queen Bees and Wannabees that it's a good idea to take the phone away at night when they go to bed and give it back in the morning, as overnight is when a lot of social problems (like bullying) with cell phones happen, and also that it can seriously interrupt their sleep. So I'd probably do that.


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## purslaine (Feb 20, 2006)

We have come to a compromise we are pleased with.

Something I had forgotten about earlier (and I think she had too) - is she already has a fixed expense...guinea pigs. She spends about $12 on them a month. So...the cell phone would run her about $25, the guineas run about $12, so that makes 37$ a month of expenses. Out of a 40$ budget. Once I realized this I became even more concerned with her plan. 3$ per month is incredibly little spending money.

Her father and I have asked her to save 37$ for 2 months (which she can put towards her phone) just so she sees what it is like to live on so little money. My suspicion is she will not like it...but her stubbornness may mean she gets the phone anyways. At least she will have 74$ to put towards the $100 phone...which means if she eventually does tire of having no money, she will not be on the hook for many more months while she pays off the phone.

She can also have , for free, a cell phone that no one uses. It is pay as you go. It has texting capability. She has tried it and does not like it as the buttons for texting are tiny and she thinks it is useless - but I think she may be able to adjust to the tiny buttons (and hey - a good portion of her money is at stake). She has agreed to further try it.

We have gone over rules for texting and for the most part she agrees. She does want a phone with a camera, though.


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## oaktreemama (Oct 12, 2010)

I think that sounds great-and your daughter is involved as well-another plus. 

I would allow the camera because while I understand that sexting happens, I also know that my nieces and their friends adore sending pictures to each other-of their dogs, their siblings, their parents, themselves, funny street signs, etc. Today's cell cameras are amazing and I think most of us would allow a child to have a camera if finances permitted it.

There is always risk that a tool will be misused and we have to weigh those chances. That said, this is a situation where I would allow implicit trust, rather then trust being earned. If that makes sense!!


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Sounds like a good plan.


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## ollyoxenfree (Jun 11, 2009)

It sounds like you have a good plan and I'm joining the conversation a little late. Leaving aside the financial issues, and the "phone text addiction", etiquette, and cyberbullying issues - all of which are valid concerns, I just wanted to comment that I kind of like the text option with my teens. I'm a little surprised by this, since I don't really like texting at all. I doubt I've ever sent a text to anyone other than the kids. I find it slow and cumbersome for most other purposes. But with the kids, I find I can get a quick message out and a quick reply, without the spectre of "nagging mom" that can appear with phone calls. I'm not sure why a text message seems to be easier and more acceptable than a phone call, but it is. We have nice, quick little chats by text that wouldn't necessarily happen otherwise. I'm finding it's a nice way to connect with them while they are out and about with their busy days. I'm sure someone is thinking these chats aren't really necessary or could happen by telephone, which is true, but connection is valuable by whatever method it occurs.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *2cutiekitties*
> 
> I am just curious to all those saying yeah were you a family that restricted television or plastic toys when they were younger?


nope.


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## whatsnextmom (Apr 2, 2010)

Quote:


> Quote:
> 
> 
> > Originally Posted by *2cutiekitties*
> ...


We were. The TV was not on at all when they were infants and tots (well, not on during waking hours.) In preschool, each had a "show" they might watch a couple times a week. As elementary and high schoolers, they average less than 2 hours a week of TV and that is self-managed. We don't have any actually "rules" about TV time, they just prefer other things. I was also not a fan of cheap or trendy toys. We did have some plastic... Fisher Price Little People were favorites. They are plastic AND quality in my book. We pretty much have all the tech now.... laptops, DSi, Wii, cellphones... we just added them slowly and not until we were sure the kids were at ages where such things were useful and wouldn't be abused.


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## fairejour (Apr 15, 2004)

Quote:


> I would allow the camera because while I understand that sexting happens, I also know that my nieces and their friends adore sending pictures to each other-of their dogs, their siblings, their parents, themselves, funny street signs, etc. Today's cell cameras are amazing and I think most of us would allow a child to have a camera if finances permitted it.


I work in a high school class, and EVERY SINGLE STUDENT over the age of 14 has sent or received naked pictures. It is not something that happens "sometimes", it happens all of the times.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fairejour*
> 
> I work in a high school class, and EVERY SINGLE STUDENT over the age of 14 has sent or received naked pictures. It is not something that happens "sometimes", it happens all of the times.


Just out of curiosity - how do you know that EVERY student has done one or the other?


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## fairejour (Apr 15, 2004)

It's a small school, we have talked about it...a lot. It is an issue that comes up often.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fairejour*
> 
> It's a small school, we have talked about it...a lot. It is an issue that comes up often.


I'm curious as to how this comes up within the classroom? It's definitely a concern I have, and I have heard of a very few isolated cases from my dd. But your experience seems really concerning. Is this an exceptionally small class where kids are texting each other?


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## stephanie95 (Jan 8, 2009)

I have 2 ideas for you kathymuggle:

My DS is 15. I am not ready for him to have a cell plus we've been having issues so it's just not good timing. He did get an iPod with his own money. For $10 he was able to purchase an app that gives him unlimited texting for a year. The thing I like is that you have to have a Wifi connection in order to text. He can also use Face Talk (or whatever it's called that is on the iPod Touch 4G). I like that it's a multi-function unit but not freely use-able like the cell phone.

The other idea I had is for your DD to get a 2nd hand phone that has the features she likes. Then she isn't bound to Koodoo or anyone else for very long. I see lots of phones on Kijiji.

It's a tough decision. My DS is appeased for now. Plus cell phones in Canada are nowhere near as cheap as in the US!


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## sahli29 (Jan 23, 2004)

In my case I would not.Dd is 11 and does not even like to talk on the phone.If she really wanted she could create an email and email her friends. I would only get a cell for emergency use not chit chat or txting.And for sure not photo taking to email!


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## MamasBoys (Dec 29, 2005)

Having learned from my mistakes, I would still say "yes", but with some restrictions. One of the biggest mistakes I made was not making a hard and fast rule from the very beginning that cell phones were to "dock" and charge in my bedroom in time for bedtime each night. I have caught my son texting in bed late at night, which is not okay with me, mainly because he needs to be sleeping. I also would set rules regarding polite texting behavior (no texting at the table, etc.) Rules should also be set regarding whether the cell phones comes to school, if it does--should it remain off?

The "reading texts" issue is complex. I have read my son's texts before when I had thought I would never do so and as a result, I have found things that aren't necessarily terribly alarming, but issues which I would have wished I hadn't of known. (Profanity, more interest in girls than I initially realized, etc.)

It's tough because texting allows such immediate responses and constant contact with peer groups. In my day, we passed notes frequently in school, but that might mean 2-3 notes per day, whereas you can get hundreds of text moving in and out during a normal tween day.


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## teach94 (Apr 12, 2005)

My oldest two children, 12 and 15, do have phones and they do text. I love the feature. My son texts me every day as soon as school is over for both of us (I teach at another high school). I like being able to remind them of things and the instant contact after a long day. My dd texts much more than my son. While my kids can take pics with thier phones, we do not allow them to send pics. For my son it is a protection issue; if a girl sends a naked pic and he opens it, he is legally responsible. All she has to do is say he asked her for it, and he becomes the one who will get in trouble legally. I teach public high school and we had seminars on this very thing for the students. The laws are different by state, but in ours it is very difficult to prove who said and did what, and the law often sides on the girls side. For my daughter, it also serves as protection. She will never have to worry about the temptation to give in to someone she really likes or has a crush on, asking her to send a pic. She simply doesn't have that feature.

Many people don't know that every cell carrier has the ability for parents to have certain features of the phones turned off during certain hours. If I had my way, I would want every student in my class to not be able to text during school. You can also limit who they can call and text during certain times; for example, you can make it to where during school hours, only family members can call or receive calls from your child. That way they can get to you in case of emergency, but you don't have to worry about them sneaking off to the rest room to call friends who are skipping, etc.

I think in this day and age learning texting ettiquite is very important. it is not going away.

I learned to text following Hurricane Katrina (up until then, I was in the "I will never text" camp). When cell phone reception was down, people could still text each other. I cannot describe how nerve wracking it was trying to find out who went where for evacuation, etc. (some had said they were going to one location, only to change it for certain reasons). Since cells phones weren't working, we were a nervous wreck. Now everyone in the family knows how to text. While my in-laws don't text all the time like we do, in an emergency they know how to send one or open one for important info. Seeing as how we have evacuated 3 times in the last 5 years, this is peace of mind for our family.

And I agree with the teacher who said that every student has received a pic of a naked person. They may not even know the person, but you would be shocked what kids send around textwise.

I do read my kids texts and they know I do. If I see something we need to talk about, we do.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I believe it about every kid getting a naked picture because it's easy if person A gets it to send it to 10 or 100 other people. They "go viral" and everyone gets the same picture. It probably isn't a case of every kid getting a different picture.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *fairejour*
> 
> It's a small school, we have talked about it...a lot. It is an issue that comes up often.


So? Getting wasted every weekend was talking about a lot at my high school and I know at least one person who never did it. And there is certain percentage of kids who will lie, just to not be left out... Unless you check every students phone and see a naked picture that has been sent/received, you can't really know that every single student has sent or gotten a naked picture.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *2cutiekitties*
> 
> I am just curious to all those saying yeah were you a family that restricted television or plastic toys when they were younger?


We limited TV when the kids were very young, but always let them pick their own toys.But I'm not sure how relevant that is. The teens years are about growing up and becoming independent. Even if you felt the need to control your child's life when they were little, this is the phase to gradually give them control so that have some practice making choices for themselves before they totally take the reigns for their lives. We only have a few years when they can do semi-grown up things, but with our input.

My parents were super controlling in the teen years so when I left home, I had no internal locus. Nothing to pull on to make choices -- just a bunch of crap rules that I thought were stupid and couldn't wait to get away from. I'm giving my kids a lot more than that -- I'm letting them have enough freedom to learn some judgment on their own. I think a parent who won't let their teen have a phone because "you'll just use it to send naked pictures" is really setting their kid up for stupid behavior once the kid leaves home. My goal isn't perfect behavior NOW, but rather helping my kids learn to make choices that will serve them well in adulthood.

My kids both have cell phones (my younger DD got hers for her 12th birthday) and we have a family plan that allows unlimited texting. It's very cost effective this way. My DH and I pick up the monthly bill -- that was part of the gift.

My kids fall into the "once the new wore off, they didn't use them that much" category. They prefer to Skyp and/or face book with their friends. They can have their phones at school, but they must be stored in their lockers and turned off.

Their phones are primarily used when they are somewhere without me, coming home from school when I'm not here, etc. We really haven't had any problems. We have a small table where cell phones are plugged in at night, house keys sit, etc. It's by the door. It's not so much a "rule" as something that just flows nicely for my family.

Pay phones are few and far between these days, so I think that most kids are going to end up with a cell eventually. Rather than any parent saying NO, I think it makes more sense to think about when and under what conditions.


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## karne (Jul 6, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Linda on the move*
> 
> Quote:
> My goal isn't perfect behavior NOW, but rather helping my kids learn to make choices that will serve them well in adulthood.


That's really well said.

I keep coming back to this thread because we're so on the fence about the phone. Frankly, it would make my life easier if dd had a phone. We rely on other kids having a phone in order for her to connect with me, which is silly. This past week we've gotten two text msgs. to our home (cell) phone from a friend of dd's at school-they were the "read this and send to 10 people" type texts, and they weren't terrible, but not really fully appropriate either. The point was the judgement of her friend to send this to our personal phone, knowing it isn't dd's personal cell. And, this week something happened in my dd's life that I am sure she would have texted about to her friends, and probably would have regretted it, a lot. It's not so different I guess from talking about it to friends, and then regretting it. All part of growing and learning, but it still makes me weigh the pros and cons carefully.


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