# Still stinging from MIL conversation



## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

I had a m/c at 7 weeks last Wednesday. A little background: I am 42, with 1 healthy 6 yo dd. No health concerns at all, other than anxiety. According to my doctor, who I saw right after the m/c, I am fit and healthy and should have no problem with pregnancy. MIL knows this.

So the day after it happened, we are staying with MIL; because I am scheduled to fly to Toronto the next morning. She asked me how my doctor visit went and we had the following exchange:

How was your doctor visit today?

Good. Doc said everything looked normal. She said we should wait 3 months, though.

Wait? For what?

To start trying again.

You're not going to do that, are you?

Yes, that's the plan.

You don't want to do that. This was your warning from Mother Nature not to try again. You're getting older, you know.

The doc said it was fine. She says I'm fit and healthy and doesn't think the m/c had anything to do with my age (give facts here).

Then why did you have a m/c? You need to look at the reasons behind it.

It happens to lots of people. Repeat above reassurance from doctor.

What if you don't miscarry next time?

Pardon?

What if you don't miscarry next time and you end up having a defective baby?

Please tell me this is not normal/okay to tell someone the day after they miscarry? I tried to see if I could let it go, but I can't. Now I am back from Toronto and it still makes me angry. I don't want to see her. Generally, we are very involved in their lives and they are wonderful grandparents to dd. MIL's b/day is tomorrow and we are invited out there for dinner. I just don't want to see her. Everyone else was so supportive and this just HURTS. Can you help me see a way forward?


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

Ooooh this isn't nice







- I'm sorry for you, for your loss and for your MIL being so insensitive - mind you it's the sort of thing my own mother would come out with - not that she means any harm by it but sometimes she just doesn't think







, she's come out with some whoopers in her time - not that it excuses your MIL at all, my guess is that your MIL is in her early to mid 60s and quite honestly I think the women from that generation were convinced by their drs and society in general that if they didn't have all their kids by 30 then they were past it, when my sister had her 4th baby at 41 my mother was convinced that there would be something 'wrong' she was so 'old' - it took lots of being completely relaxed about things from me to 'convince' my mother that all would be well - but it was really hard work.

Regarding you dinner and MIL make sure that your partner knows how you are feeling so that he can handle any unpleasantaries and if you feel uncomfortable let your partner and dd know that you may just have to leave - I'm sure that they'll understand, personally,after a few miscarriages I didn't tell folk that I was pregnant until we were past the most difficult part to avoid the silly insensitive comments that come up. it takes a while to get past things like this and maybe you should explain as delicately as possible that what she said has really upset you and that you would prefer that even although she may think it you'd rather not hear it, an understanding hug would be much more appreciated. Big hugs to you, miscarriages are never things we forget or get over easily, we can learn to accept that which happens to us but not forget.


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

Thanks ewe+lamb, all really good advice. It was actually dh's idea to tell our in-laws so soon and really, we generally have a good and close relationship; so even though it felt too early to me, I was okay with dh letting them know. It was, unfortunately, just 1 day before the m/c. I am generally doing pretty well, it's this conversation/relationship I'm stuck on. Partly I think, I have some of the same fears; how much longer do we want to keep trying, how many losses can we accept, etc. So she hit a nerve in the worst possible way. I think you're right, too; she IS about as old as you said and she had a loss at 7 months of her own. The baby lived for a few hours and she never got to hold it.








So I absolutely understand she is coming from a place of fear and I should cut her some slack. However, she also has a way of speaking like this, as though I should somehow obey her and I'm crazy to think or act differently. I have this distinct feeling that if we should suffer another loss, she will consider it my "fault," so we absolutely will not telling them if I become pregnant again. They can find out when I have a big ol' belly. Now that we have been through this once and have experienced how insensitive the comments can be, we will definitely not be telling almost anyone until much, much later. Thankfully, we didn't tell many people this time. Now I know my MIL is not safe to trust with this.


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## voicegrrl (Aug 17, 2007)

Just want to say I'm so sorry you had to hear that. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I went through a similar experience with my dad when I told him about the early miscarriage I had just before the 9 week one I'm going through right now. He basically said it was god's way of telling me I needed to stop having children. It was so hurtful that I won't even talk to him right now. I asked my mother to call him and tell about my m/c and tell him I don't want him to call me. There is no way I could handle hearing something like that again. Maybe your dh should talk to her about her reaction? Tell her she was inappropriate. Would it be helpful or just add fuel to the fire? My MIL would probably just stop talking to us if we tried to confront her about something like that so I can see that might not be the solution for you. Again, so sorry she wasn't more supportive. This is such a heartbreaking experience to begin with, you deserve love and support right now.


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## cappuccinosmom (Dec 28, 2003)

That's just a yucky thing to say.







Sounds like you know she's a bit sharp-toothed though, and know how to deal with her.


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

Thanks, everyone. It helps just to "check in" before I see her again. I'm not sure what the deal is with her; but like voicegrrl said, MIL would stop talking to us, too, or we'd hear how we'd upset HER, etc. There's really no safe way to confront her and I absolutely do not need more drama. It's funny, it's not like I can't handle random comments, even now. At the wedding on Saturday, I got the usual "oh, you just have one child? Planning any more?" And I was okay. This was just a few days after the m/c. I understand people saying things and just not thinking and I'm not out to make anyone uncomfortable for making an unfortunate, but innocent comment. It does make me think, though, that asking about children to someone when you don't know their situation falls under the "probably not a good idea" category; just like "when are you due?" But I don't expect people who haven't been through m/c or infertility, or other reproductive concerns, to understand this. I just feel like MIL should know better. And she is like this in other situations; her way or the highway. I choose the highway.


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## milletpuff (Jul 4, 2008)

OK, this could be the answer to my own question that I posted above, but it's so much easier to see someone else's situation









I feel like people say things like this because either:

1) they are SO UNCOMFORTABLE with other people's pain that they insist on a course of action that they see as avoiding that pain (ie, I can't tolerate watching you go through this or imagining it or figuring out what to say so you MUST NOT EVER make me go through this discomfort again)

or...

2) they are so uncomfortable with the idea of experiencing pain THEMSELVES, that they need to find a "reason" that you are experiencing pain so that they can rationalize how they will NOT experience pain (ie, I see you in pain and I'm going to say that it's because you tried to get knocked up at 42...*I* am not going to try and get knocked up at 42 thus I am safe from experiencing a pain like the one you are going through).

Both options point to someone tied up in their own feelings of fear and/or protecting themselves from discomfort. In her case in particular, she may have some unresolved grief from her loss that makes it especially hard to be there for you at all.

It sounds like her communication skills and emotional responsibility are not the best anyway. Im so sorry and I totally would NOT be sharing anything vulnerable about this with her in the future either.

I'm also sorry about your fears that she is right, I have had similar things come up for me around people's comments. You are healthy and strong and her comments are drawn from outdated thinking, yes, but (more importantly) probably based out of fear and NOT logic anyway.


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## ssh (Aug 12, 2007)

I had two miscarriages before I had my youngest DD at 46. We only told a very few individuals until we were sure everything was ok at about 20 weeks, I think. We didn't want to deal with any negative energy from anyone and didn't want to have to tell people if we had another loss.


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

Thank you again for the further replies. I hope we can all help each other on this stuff. Milletpuff, I'll have to go read your thread. And ssh, thank you so much for restoring a tiny bit of faith by sharing that you were 46 when your dd was born. I needed to hear that.

I think you're right, milletpuff. MIL does fall into that category. She is also "mostly harmless," but obviously not entirely.

I know I don't want to hang on to this experience and let it overshadow the overwhelmingly supportive reactions I've had from other people over the m/c. It just affects how I see HER and, unfortunately, it has undermined my own confidence just a bit. But mostly I get that it's her fears. She sounded almost angry. I thought I was fine with the m/c. I thought I could just cry, let it happen and have it be over. It was 8 days ago. Now I see that I am actually going to have to go through some grief, even though I was "only" 7 weeks pregnant. And I feel like withdrawing and retreating from any and all people who make that sense of vulnerability worse. If it was over anything else, or at any other time, I think I could deal with it. But on top of everything else she said, she also told me not to let anyone "make this more than it is." She's just not safe.


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## ewe+lamb (Jul 20, 2004)

Oh wow - I think this runs deeper for her than she realises.

All those comments at the wedding still hurt though - or certainly any time anyone asks me when we'll have another I never know what to say, it hurts because i'd love to have another child and at 40 this year it's sort of society's cut off point for everything, I guess I'm just a bit confused myself as to how to work all this out. When I had an ectopic pregnancy my mother acutally asked how did I let that happen!!! - honestly I don't think she even knew what an ectopic was, but I just despair with folks insensivity.

For your MIL she, I'm guessing, is putting all her pain that she wasn't supposed to show to the world onto your shoulders, the bitterness, jealousy, anxiety and pain, the sort of 'you have to be grateful for what you have, if you have one child then you should be thankful and not ask for too much', which makes it even harder on you and all those thoughts that you are having are valid and every mother has them - or most mothers, and you know I don't think it even has a lot to do with age as such - that's just society's view of things, women were, and with some people still are, considered to have something wrong with them if they give birth to a child that has special needs, our society feels that they need to feel sorry for us, it helps us deal with our pain - or so they think and actually at the end of the day it's the people that have children with special needs that support and understand the fear of those that don't. Not sure that I'm making any sense - lol, there's a lot going on there and it's not necessarily for you to work it out for her, you have your pain and grief to live through and cope with, to add on someone else's is just not something that you can do.

A miscarriage is just that, a miscarriage, it's the loss of the baby that we are carrying and it can be just as painful at 7 weeks as it can be at 7 months, it is a child lost - it took a very good friend of mine to say that a few times to me before i could actually take it all in, no miscarriage is worse than any other.


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

Thanks, ewe+lamb! Having permission to grieve my "early" miscarriage is so critical right now. I do not like grieving. I'm always the one at funerals (my father's, step-father's and sister's), who never cries. I find jobs to do instead. I am frequently asked to speak at funerals because "I can hold it together." So that's what I tried to do with this, too. I was so proud of myself; look, I can miscarry on Wednesday, get on a plane on Friday morning and speak at a wedding! I'm fine!" And truthfully, I AM glad to know I can handle something really hard and still follow through with something else I really wanted to do. It is empowering. But I did not escape grief, as I had thought. It's right here, now that the distractions and need to be "strong" are gone. And so MIL becomes dangerous at the moment.

I do feel it's different entering our 40s and I would love to talk more about that, I'm just not sure where. If I were younger, there would be no question about trying again; though I know that's absolutely no guarantee. But for me, I can't help thinking I chose my family size when I had dd at 36 and dh and I decided we only wanted one. Changing my mind at 42 seems a recipe for heartbreak. I don't want to get attached to something that statistically, may never happen and especially might not happen without more losses. Our family never felt incomplete with one child, but it might start to if I get attached to having another one. So I end up asking myself, "do I really need to have another baby? Is there something else I could do to feel that sense of fulfillment?" OTOH, I think, "your baby could be just around the corner. Your own mother had her last 2 children at 41 and 45. It only took you
2 months to get pregnant. Don't let fear and uncertainty keep you from something you really want again." Is anyone nearing/in their 40s interested in having this kind of conversation? I know its OT for this thread, but it's definitely where my mind is at.


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## beckyand3littlemonsters (Sep 16, 2006)




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## kalamos23 (Apr 11, 2008)

((((hugs)))) I'm having that sort of conversation with myself about having another child and I'm 27. It almost seems easier to give up on the idea of another child than to go through with the trying of it all only to get let down month after month. Giving myself permission to mentally "give up" while still not preventing has helped a lot in the stress of TTC though. I will say though, my own mom had children from 27-45, roughly about every 2 years or so (there were 9 of us) - so the fact that it took only 2 months for you to get pregnant is a good sign and I think there is a lot to hope for for you. Feel free to join us in TTC after a loss - it's been very helpful for me


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

Thanks, kalamos23. I figured there were other people going through this kind of thing, trying to get on with life while TTC. I guess it goes with the territory, especially once you've had a loss. I think I will be going over to TTC afte a loss very soon. If I believe what I read about being more fertile right after a m/c, technically we should be TTC as of next week! What a thought! But along with the fear, I can't help thinking that just the hope of another pregnancy will help at least a little with this loss. Only I can't imagine getting through another first trimester now; I was a basket case before! I have generalized anxiety disorder and OCD, so hearing that stress is "bad for the baby" has been hard. It's hard not to feel my anxiety caused this.









Off to MIL's b'day. I'm just going to feel what I feel and maybe fantasize about poisoning her pizza.


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## Mickiswing (Apr 10, 2005)

I'm so sorry!









My grandma said the same thing to me after my loss. "This is the Lord's way of telling you to stop having children." It was last September, and I still have a hard time with it. Especially since she has seven children and had three miscarriages before she was done. It was really difficult when we finally decided to tell her we were expecting again, but I just made sure to tell her that these kind of decisions were up to myself, my DH and the Lord and we felt good about it. It still stings.

I hope this bump in your relationship with her is resolved at some point. In the meantime, ignore her and let yourself process things any way that you need to.


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## carfreemama (Jun 13, 2007)

Well, love conquers all.







We went over there tonight and I had decided to just let myself feel however I felt and behave accordingly (within reason). I gave myself permission to feel cold and withdrawn towards MIL. And you know, when I saw her I just felt forgiveness. I've known her for over 12 years and she's been a good MIL, just as I think I've been a good DIL. She gets one free pass. We had a really nice time and she asked how I was doing. I do love her. Does that mean I'm over what she said? Not at all. Dh says some day when I'm hugely pregnant and she comments, he'll tell her he's trying to get me to lay off the Cheetos. We will simply not engage them in discussion on this.

Mickiswing, I'm sorry you had to go through this too. I just can't imagine how these comments can be seen as helpful. Do people really think we're just going to say "oh, okay then. I'll just accept God/Nature's will and stop trying." Seriously.


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## milletpuff (Jul 4, 2008)

I'm so glad that you had such a good time with her and felt forgiveness! That's great! It's also OK if you have other feelings about her re-surface. I think grief affects me that way - it is so non-linear. I also want to say two things:

- You did NOT cause your loss my worrying. You did not!!! No blaming yourself, not for your worrying, or your age, or your hope and desire to have another kid! OK?

- You lost a child. I heard someone else say this and I like it: do not enter the "pain olympics"! Your loss is a loss and you have every right to grieve, which is good because it's a process that you can't stop anyway, so just let it happen!

Now to reply to your reply on my thread


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

You know, people just say stupid crap when there's child loss. Nearly a year out of loosing Amelia I'm a little less bitter about it and I'm trying to get to a point of understanding that it's not _me_ that they are saying the bad thing to but rather the situation....ya, something like that. Obviously I'm still bitter.









When I needed to dry my milk after loosing Amelia I went into the local (I'm in a very small town) herb/natural stuff store for some dried sage. The owner responded to my tearful 'I need dried sage....something I can turn into a tea...I just delivered a dead baby...my milk is coming in' with 'At least you can _get_ pregnant.' I have needed things from her store in the months that followed but I now drive 35 minutes away to go somewhere else. I know she didn't mean it as bad as I took it. Doesn't matter.

My mom called Amelia the wrong name, twice, a month after her death. I gently pointed out her mistake and I haven't heard from her since. Crazy.

In both situations it's hard to just let words roll away. While I try and be strong and not let them still get to me...I'm still driving two towns over for my Burts Bees stuff and had no intention of sending my Mom a mothers day card.

You lost your baby. You're allowed to act however you please.


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## cparkly (Jul 21, 2009)

I loved hearing how you "allowed yourself to feel" and act as you wanted/needed to. Well done!


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