# Is housework part of the SAHM job description???



## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

i can't get over how many times i've been asked by my girlfriends (childless) AND other sahms about doing housework during the day. everyone seems to think that in addition to taking care of my child (nursing, changing dipes, feeding solids, rocking/walking/bouncing to sleep, play time, strolls around the neighborhood.... repeat repeat repeat repeat) i need to be keeping the house clean.









is it just me or is this absurd? i didn't sah just so i could clean the house every day. i stayed at home so i could take care of ds. why should i have to clean the freaking toilets just b/c i'm at home??

and although i know that babies are high maintenance (b/c they can't really do anything for themselves), if i stay home after for longer than a year (which i probably will) i still don't plan on cleaning the house while ds plays or naps or whatever. i plan on being with him, doing stuff with him, or heck, doing stuff for ME rather than cleaning the house.

part of it is that i HATE housework. just about the only thing i like to do is laundry (LOL great for us b/c we cd). and i'll clean up after ds has solids or i eat my meals. the rest of it? forget it.










i hope other mamas here with wrecked houses can back me up on this....


----------



## musikat (Oct 30, 2002)

I agree completely! I sometimes feel guilty about my messy house (and sometimes it is truly messy), but I spend so much time with my son, and when he's napping I either nap, do work (for pay) or laundry. Rarely do I have time to sit and read a book or anything lazy when not watching him. I feel my job is taking care of him. Oh, by the way, as they get older it gets to be MORE work, not less! I have a toddler and I have to watch him much more closely now that he can get into things!


----------



## mom3 (Sep 27, 2002)

If it weren't for being able to pay somone to clean once every 2 weeks our house would be a wreck. I hate to clean too and other than picking up when I know someone's coming over or cleaning up after cooking I don't do anything. Luckily my dh completely understands and doesn't think it's "my job". He's been alone with the boys enough to understand how hard it is to clean when they're awake and how much you need a break when they're alseep







.


----------



## ekblad9 (Nov 21, 2001)

I know my dh secretly thinks that cleaning is my "job". I disagree. I think that since I am more the cleaning person that I would clean even if I had a job outside the house. Therefore I don't clean during the day when I'm home with the kids. I think the kids are my job. We homeschool and are very busy with other things as well. My job is to take them to the library, music class, gymnastics, dance, etc and to PLAY with them! When dh is home and on the weekends I have him watch the kids and then I clean. If I can't get to stuff then I just don't do it!


----------



## sueami (Oct 11, 2002)

my dh doesn't seem to expect me to clean the house, but then again, he doesn't come home from a long day at work and start vacuuming.
i do most of the cleaning, like ekblad on the wknds, b/c i'd rather clean than wrangle kids (not that i like cleaning, mind you, but trying to play w/ 2 kids at very different developmental stages gets exhausting by the end of the week and its nice to be off duty, even if i'm doing chores.)
i do do more housecleaning during my workday lately than i ever have before, and that's because i realized how much it got me down to live my days in the middle of constant chaos. so i started decluttering and trying to stay more on top of the messes, but i did it for me -- just to give myself a more pleasant environment to be in. i spend *so* much of my life at home or in the yard that i realized it was important to me to be uplifted by these surroundings. so, i also started using essential oils and a diffuser and i cut flowers from the gardens and bring them in and i try to remember to plug the fountain in on my little altar, all to improve the ambience. but i still blow off cleaning in those parts of the house that i don't spend much time in...
fwiw,
susan


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I feel the same way. Being a SAHM is about being a MUM and not so I can do all the housework.

My feeling is that either A) housework is divided equally between me and DH as if I were WOH or B) a cleaning lady should come.

We fluctuate between having a cleaning lady or sharing the work (we move alot, lol).

Now that we're into cloth diapering, I'm actually enjoying doing laundry (I know...it's a sickness, lol).


----------



## pinkmommy (Mar 27, 2003)

Wow --- just glad that I found thsi post. Several months ago, I posted about how much DH/DP helps with housework and most of the people who responded said they felt it was their job to do the housework. One person even went so far to say that if I was not keeping the house clean for my DH, then I was not doing my duty -- this person likes her DH to come home to a clean, nice smelling house so that he can relax. This board was fairly AP oriented, so I was surprised by he responses and wondered how these SAHMs found the time to interact with their children AND do housework (not to mention have time to post on-line). I do try and get some things done, but often find myself conflicted between housework and playing with the children. Of course, I try to involve the kids in housework, but this has limited success right now --- kids still pretty young. DH does not put pressure on me to do housework and says he'd rather come home to a messy house and know I've spent time with kids than a clean house where kids have been wanting for my attention. The only problem is that he isn't helping with housework as much as he used to. He is tired in the evenings and has been bringing work home with him, so our house is just not as kept as it used to be. DH does 95% of yard work, so I can't complain too much. He also does cat care on daily basis (feeding, litter) and does trash about 75% of the time. He bathes children and gets them in their pjs and then we each put one down to bed. I do dishes about 75% of time. We are always behind on laundry. Both of us hate the folding/hanging/putting away step to laundry. I have one room that is a true mess and has been for a month -- needs major organization (office stuff). I am behind on organizing pictures in albums. I got a sewing machine for mother's day last year and it is still sitting in the box untouched. I am six weeks pregnant and just utterly exhausted and sick in the late afternoons and evenings. I think DH is going to try to help a bit more -- like he used to help. All in all, it sort of works for us but we both feel overhwelmed with the housework. I'd rather feel this way than feel our children don't get attention they need...and right now my 3 year old needs me to tape his "Thomas" train picture together...so off I go!


----------



## lilyka (Nov 20, 2001)

I feel it is my job. Our house is not spotles mind you (I amsorry if this needs otbe spotless we need someone else to clean) but dh is rarely home and for the most part doesn't make the mess. It is also my childrens responsibility. So I guess we still do stuff together. How are they gonna learn how to clean a house if htey never see me doing it. Dh does pitch in because the rate of cleaning doesnot equal the rate of mess







. And just for the record. even if I wasn't home the resposibility of cleaning wuld still fall to me.


----------



## Cloverlove (Jan 2, 2003)

I don't think it is part of the job BUT I do enjoy having a clean house.







I would be annoyed if dh expected the house to be clean, but thankfully he does not and he does just as much around the house as I do.

On a side note (please note this is my personal belief), I do believe it is important for children to see us engaged in meaningful work. We tend to be more family centered, rather than child centered around here. I guess I don't feel comfortable just hanging out and playing all day. I get satisfaction from doing "chores" and it is a learning experience for the kiddos. We make chores fun! We do save the big stuff (cleaning the floors, bathroom, etc) for the weekend, when we can both blitz though it, but I would go crazy (and feel sooo overwhelmed) if I didn't do basic cleanup throughout the day.

That being said, QuinsMami, life with an infant is a whole different deal.


----------



## JesseMomme (Apr 6, 2002)

l


----------



## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

It is primarily my job, as is taking care of the kids, and preparing meals. However, when dh is off, he does housework and takes care of the kids. He primarily does the yardwork, but I sometimes do some of that, too. I primarily do the finances. He doesn't expect me to keep everything 100%- he used to be the primary housekeeper when we both worked. I do try to keep things neat, though.

We sort of fell into our roles, but I don't expect him to do anything and he doesn't expect me to things. We just usually do them. If I need help with something, I ask and he'll help and vice versa. It always works itself out. I'm pretty fortunate that way.


----------



## AnnaReilly (Mar 8, 2003)

I don't think it's part of the job. I think DH used to think so but he has changed his tune. I started filling in at my old job 4 hours at a time on the days when DH is home so he has learned what it's like to be a SAHD. Now he understands that after playing, bouncing, rocking, changing diapers and wiping up spit that once DD finally falls asleep the last thing I want to do is clean. I either want to sleep or do something for ME. If DD is fine on her own and I feel like I have time and energy to wash a few dishes then great but I don't stress about it. My sanity and DD's needs come way before a clean place.

I do try to straighten up every evening - just very quickly to get the big chunks and we do dishes every couple of days. The big things like scrubbing out the tub or washing the floor wait until he's home to watch DD and then I do it just because I care more than him if I bathe in a dirty tub not because either of us think it's my job.


----------



## kater07 (Jan 6, 2002)

Yes, being a SAHM also means keeping the house tidy. I don't keep it spotless, and sometimes I REALLY let it go. It is however in my job description. I get ZERO help with the house!

DH does do the yard work (mowing weedwacking and edging but no trimming bushes). Trimming bushes is also my job. Washing the cars and keeping them clean inside is also my job.

Cooking is also my job!


----------



## Spookygirl (Sep 14, 2002)

I don't consider cleaning house as soley my job, but it seems that DH does. DH is alway talking about how stressed I am, but I can't get him to see that if I just had to take care of Danielle, then there would be no stress. But because I have to take care of everything else, then I am stressed. Danielle doesn't take kindly to being put down, or having to sleep alone, so it makes every chore around the house a big deal. I keep dropping hints that he needs to help out more, but he seems to think that washing the car is a household chore! Hopefully I can get this straightened out before I go crazy!!


----------



## frogertgrl (Nov 28, 2002)

Oh, Jesse! I am sitting here with tears because I'm laughing so hard at your post! Hope you don't mind. But dang, it is hilarious - the liptstick, q tips, CDs, refolding the clothes. Too funny. In a tragically funny sort of way.

I also can relax when things are put away and clean. Whenever that lady is on Oprah - the organization lady who says 'a place for everything and everything in it's place', I drool with attraction for that kind of life.

The problem is I need someone to overhaul my place first to get me started.

I've done a bunch of decluttering and that's gone a long way toward tidiness on a daily basis.

My DH doesn't say the housework is my job but if I suddenly stopped, he would protest. We are considering hiring cleaning once I'm too pregnant to bend over and the baby is born. The older DS gets, the less I accomplish. With a newborn, I would be an idiot not to surrender that last bit!


----------



## mtyson (Apr 1, 2003)

Hi, I just mentioned this on another thread, but I have really been helped by Flylady (http://flylady.net)

I don't like housework either, but having a messy house just adds to my stress - and I want to ingrain neat habits in my kids so they don't have to struggle with it as adults as I did.

DH works hard so we can afford to have me stay home and I try to think of it as a Thank You gift to him to come home to a relatively clean house (not that I always manage it - I have an infant too.)

As Flylady says, it's all about babysteps. I set aside little chunks of 5 minutes at a time (and literally set the timer on my stove so I am free to quit when those minutes are up). You might be amazed at what you can accomplish in 5 minutes.

Boy, I'm just full of advice tonight....







Better quit rambling and go to bed.


----------



## Trishy (Oct 15, 2002)

I think it is part of my job to clean. Mind you, I do not do all of the housework but I do a good majority of it. The house is not spotless by no means, it is very lived in, especially since the living room is ds' main play area. I try to vaccuum 3 times a week, with spot dustbusting daily. I wash the dishes at least every other day and wipe down the counter tops every day. Big jobs or anything upstairs usually waits for dh's day off and we take turns cleaning whatever and watching ds. My place is pretty small but I try to keep it to where it would be presentable for company within 15 minutes. Just don't look in the bedrooms


----------



## abigailvr (May 17, 2002)

I am just now starting to feel like I should clean during the day, and that's just because DS is crawling everywhere now and likes to put his hands on/under everything! Otherwise, DH and I share the cleaning, when it gets done.


----------



## khrisday (Mar 18, 2002)

My views on housework has changed a lot over the last 10 years. When we were first living together, we split all chores 50/50. When we had babies and toddlers who were nursing, DH would be the first to say that as a SAHM my "job" was to take care of the kids, and anything else that got done (including cooking) was extra.
When the kids weaned, and got older, DH's views on housework seemed to change. "Well, you're home all day- you have time to do the housework" is what he would say. And he began to expect a meal to be cooked. ("Well, you have to make something for yourself and the kids anyway") As first I was very rebellious and bitter about this change in attitude. Having a messy house didn't seem to bother him much, whereas it really bothered me a lot. I started doing the flylady thing to help me keep up with things, and gradually got myself into a cleaning routine. Now I realize that there are only 24 hours in the day- most of those my husband spends either at work, or sleeping. Keeping the house clean does take a certain amout of time each, and since I am here, it does naturally fall to me. Woudl I really want my husband to spend valuable family time or time for us as a couple scrubbing toilets? No way! I also want my children to learn what it takes to keep a house clean, and over time I expect to teach them exactly to do each chore, at an age appropriate time. As someone else mentioned, this is a more family centered approach. I too believe that it is important for the kids to see me engaged not only in things that I enjoy, but things that need to be done.


----------



## veganmamma (Sep 10, 2002)

Uh, yeah. It's Stay At Home *MOM* not Stay At Home Housekeeper. Jeez. Dp helps me clean a bit, but mostly we live in mess and I'm the only one who complains. MIL got me a Supermom Tshirt when I was preggo and I wore it after Sephie was born and MIL noticed and said, "hey Supermom." I said, "I'm hardly Supermom, you should see my filthy house." MIL says, "You're not the house's mother." Sometimes I really love that woman.
Lauren


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

Cloverlove, it's not just your personal belief







Are you a continuum concept fan?

I also think that cleaning the house is not my job as the SAHM, but one of my jobs as a parent and a person in this house. I think everyone should be part of taking care of their house and that includes me, the SAHM. Since I am physically IN the house more than my dh, then I naturally do more than he does but he cleans a lot too when he is here. Ok, the baby is a little young (though he did help clean up blocks tonight







), but the 4 year old helps out in 4 year old appropriate ways. I also think it's my job as parent to model the behavior and show my kids how to do these things so they don't end up as clueless, floundering messes when they are adults with their own houses (like I was!!!).

I also get a bit put off when people imply that cleaning means you are neglecting your kids. How about involving your kids in the cleaning? The baby is with me 24/7. He's not in arms all the time anymore, but he's at least exploring in the same room as me and whatever I'm doing. The 4 year old comes and goes. She helps me clean or she sits and talks with me or plays near me while I clean, or she ignores me and goes in the other room, it's up to her. But they are involved in meaningful work as opposed to us just playing aaaaaaaaalllllll day long.

And yet we play a lot! And they get read to and we go places, but they are involved in the real work of life too. Yes, that means scrubbing toilets too (which, by the way, my four year old thinks is fun!







) I use homemade cleansers too (or even just water) so they can help without problems. Bridget loves to dust and "polish" and for some reason is just thrilled with the swiffer (as soon as the cleanser ran out, I refilled it with vinegar, water and mint oil).

I will also put in a plug for Flylady. It's helped me tremendously. I do not do her full tilt program but since I'm by nature a slob, her ideas and methods have really helped me out.

And of course, the definition of the word "clean" is relative







: Maybe some of you would come over here and say "THIS is what she calls clean?"







But I'm happy







I grew up not inviting friends over because I was too embarrassed to have them see my house. I am happy to say I now live in a house that can accept guests without a panicked days long clean-up beforehand





















It's a wonderful feeling


----------



## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

I've had this discussion with my Dh. He agrees that once our child is here it is no longer my "job" to cook and clean. However, he also agrees that it wasn't fair when I worked 50+ hours a week and he worked 30- that I did 90% of the housework. But thats still what happened. He just doesn't really see the messes. When I made chore sheets he followed them, but I couldn't expect him to notice and take care of things that I saw and bugged me.

And now that I've been home for awhile the cleaning and cooking IS my job (without kids, if I'm not working, I don't think he should have to clean or cook). All I ask him to do is pick up his own messes (papers, garbage, things he drags out of the drawers and such), rinse his dishes and leave them in the sink, and take the garbage out for me when I leave it by the front door. Its still a hassle to get him to do all of that very reliably (unless I block the front door with the garbage bag) so I think once the kiddo arrives, its still going to fall on my shoulders, regardless.

I'm just glad he doesn't care if our house is spotless or a trashed out mess. Because once this baby arrives I highly doubt I'll be doing much besides taking care of them while we figure out breastfeeding and such.


----------



## mojomom (Mar 5, 2003)

I wish there was a button I could push and all the mess in my house would be sucked thru the floor







But that is not likely to happen. My dh is very good about not saying anything if I get behind on house cleaning or laundry,. He does help alot he loads and unloads the dishwasher and if I ask him to do some housework he will, I just have to be the one to ask.He works full time and is starting his own buisness he is working very hard to balance being a dad first and then work and his new buisness, so I don't ask alot out of him when it comes to housework.
That being said I like my house clean I hate watching my kids have to step over toys to play, I don't like making them meals in a dirty kitchen so I do keep my house clean. Except on the weekends we have a no house cleaning rule on the weekends, I let it go I do not want the two days my family is together to be spent cleaning







I start on Sunday night when the kids are in bed and spend about an hour on monday finishing. I have a small house I keep it very simple and do not have any knickknacks to dust, only one bathroom. It does not take me long to clean it I have a good routine. We ALL work to keep it kept up during the week every night we have a 5 minute clean-up race and spend that 5 minutes picking up the house, we put some fast music on and then slow it down when it is time for night time routines.


----------



## daisies (Oct 31, 2002)

This used to be a recurring issue with us...until we came to a compromise that seems fair to both of us.
I feel like my job is staying home is to raise our children. To play with them, take them fun places, educate them , feed them, potty teach them, clean them, read to them, etc etc etc etc. My dh never said that he expected me to keep the house clean. However, he also never came home from work and cleaned a bathroom or threw in a load of laundry.
So, after me feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated for a while, we decided to do all of the house cleaning on Saturday or Sunday morning. It doesn't take too long working together, and our 3 yr old helps too. I agree that children should learn to clean up after themselves, but I also don't want my daughter growing up with a cut and dry idea of gender roles....mommies clean the house and do the laundry and daddies go to work all day. I want my children seeing that all of us take on many roles and that we work together as a team.


----------



## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

Well, in our house, I currently do all of the housework (ok almost all), and our house is pretty neat and clean most of the time.
Why is this?
Many reasons, first and foremost, I don't currently have a nursing baby, I have 2 toddlers who play really well together.
I also think that kids should be a part of cleaning, and both my kids enjoy cleaning, so I am spending all my time with them, and still getting housework done.
When I have a newborn, probably for the first 3-4 months, I don't do much housework at all, dh does it all. Also, if I am pregnant and have morning sickness, or am huge, he does it all.
I don't think it's "my job", but I do prefer to have the house clean, as I also grew up in a house I was embarrassed to bring friends home to.
I use to dread the doorbell ringing at my house (as an adult) b/c it was such a mess, now, I have the time/energy/will to keep it clean, so, I do. I did start out w/ flylady, and she helped a lot, I don't use her whole system, but she got me started.
I think that even if you hate housework, I don't really love it, it should be something you work on throughout the day with your kids, to teach them how to be a part of a family. We have certain cleaning things we do throughout the day, and when dh is home in the evening, we all do things. I'd say about 30-45 minutes spread out throughout the day, keeps our home acceptable.
Also, I never sit down to the computer that the house isn't tidy, it's a self-discipline thing for me.

Patty


----------



## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

Housework is the responsibility of every member of a family. My partner works all day. I work all day as a SAHM. We share the housework 50/50. I do whatever cleaning I can during the day, but neither of us sees it as my job. Thank god. That would be really frustrating for me. Jackson sees me do chores and 'helps' sometimes, and when he is old enough to have some responsibilities, he will have chores of his own!


----------



## Piglet68 (Apr 5, 2002)

I just wanted to address some of the continuum concept comments. I do think it's great to involve children in the daily chores, but personally I don't feel this is possible until the children are of a certain age. With an infant, it can be darn near impossible.

My baby did not like to be put down, and I didn't like putting her down. I was not going to do that all day so I could get household chores done. I strongly believe that these precious months of babyhood are a fleeting treasure that should be savoured. I have the rest of my life to clean the toilet, but my baby will only be a baby once.

And from a practical POV, doing most housework with a baby was physically impossible. Wearing her in my sling, I found there was no way to do laundry. We had a top loader and all that bending in and out was really disturbing to her. She'd cry whenever I tried to do laundry. Doing dishes was also next to impossible. And in those early months she often napped in my lap. If she wasn't, I was loathe to be far from her side.

Once my baby was able to sit up on her own, and amuse herself playing with her toys, it became easier. I can see as a toddler I will be able to do stuff with her around. I like the idea of CC very much, but for me personally, it is something to apply to older children. Right now she is cruising everywhere and getting into everything and my day is hardly spent "playing all day".

[i realize this sounds a bit defensive, sorry!]


----------



## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

My MIL is a neat freak so here is a poem I display after a bew baby is born.
BABIES DON'T KEEP
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
For babies grow up, we have learned to our sorrow
So, quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby cause babies don't keep.

Patty


----------



## AmyB (Nov 21, 2001)

The way I see it, the SAH parent must take on some extra responsibility to manage the home economy. After all, it is this effort that enables one partner to SAH on a single wage.

As the wage-earner in my family, I must admit that I seethe with resentment when I come home and discover that dh has not lifted a finger towards any chores because he was busy playing with the baby. I'd like time to play with the baby myself instead of spending all my free time trying to control dirt. My part-time job keeps us in food and shelter but I really can't support the extra expense of paying someone else to do housework.

Anyhow, raising a child ought to be shared between parents, not designated as the sole responsibility of one SAH parent. The wage-earner is almost certainly contributing to the child-raising job, but a SAH who neglects housework is unfairly plopping an extra burden on the wage-earner job who helps with child-raising, goes to work and does chores.

I'm not saying that housekeeping has to be immacculate, but in my opinion, yes, housework is part of the SAHM or SAHD job description.

--AmyB


----------



## sleepies (Nov 30, 2001)

to me. keeping the house ....pretty clean (not perfect) is a big part of motherhood and staying home too. unless you have a maid or something.

i think that children will be less sick in a clean environment and i also think that keeping things clean teaches them to be orgainized. i also don't see why someoen that works full time should come home to a mess.

NOT that I think it should be the main focus! but , i try to put a lot of housework into "teaching" category...teach him to sort...teach him to like things in order.

But, I guess if your partner doesn't mind...and you don't mind....it really isnt' anyone's business to tell you how to run your house.


----------



## moondiapers (Apr 14, 2002)

Ok, is it just me, or isn't part of parenting and caring for a child making sure they have a clean and safe environment to thrive in?

I don't do Dh's laundry or pack his lunches etc since having children to take care of, but I do keep the house clean and safe for our children, and with a little bit of organization it's done in no time at all, still plenty of time to play with and teach the children. Once they are about 2 years old they really like to help clean too. And I feel like I'm setting a bad example for my children if they're allowed to crawl around on a dirty floor, or there is stuff all over for them to put in their mouths etc.

I'm really not trying to be harsh, and I used to have a disaster of a house, but once I figured out a system that worked for me it really isn't any harder than not doing it.

-Heather


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

Piglet you do not sound defensive at all







I agree with you. For me, that magic age is when the kids start crawling. Before that, the house goes to pot and only the necessary stuff gets done. With a mondo spitter and cloth diapers, laundry was necessary though. I found I can do almost all the laundry with one hand, but you're right, that reaching down into the agitator was a killer. If he just wouldn't be put down I would do it with one hand which was a pain in the butt. Otherwise, I'd do it all with him in my left arm and just put him down for that part and pick him right up again after. I still do a lot with him in my arms. I just threw a load in one handed with my 22 pounder in my arm the whole time. Dishes were awful though! I finally bought a back pack carrier to put him in for that, but of course, that only worked once he was old enough to be on my back. Mostly, they just piled up on the counter.

Maybe it's because I had a spirited, high needs first baby who demanded I be an AP mom, but I've found I can do a LOT with one hand. That includes swishing the toilet







I would never ignore my kids to clean, I just don't agree that has to be the case. (but then, as I said, "clean" is relative and you should see the cobwebs we've got in this place!







)

And actually, he STILL naps on my lap







Maybe that's another reason to involve my kids - I don't get free time during naps to clean.

That is one of my favorite poems. I'm going to post the whole thing!


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

Song for a Fifth Child
a poem by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton first appeared in Ladies Home Journal, October, 1958
She (Hamilton) wrote it for her daughter-in-law.

EDITED!

Sorry! I got a PM saying I can't post the poem because it is copyright infringement. But I can post a link to it!

Here it is!

http://dreamquests.net/WildIrishRose...g5thChild.html


----------



## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

I never knew there was more to that poem, thanks, I love it! Off to the printer!


----------



## simple gifts (Feb 27, 2003)

I have to say that I think housework is part of my job. My at-home kids range from 15 to almost 1. Right now I have this one little guy home alone most of the day, and that's harder than when I had 3 under 5, or when I had three under 12 that all homeschooled. One little baby doesn't entertain himself alone as well as a crew.

Still, I don't want my dh to come home and clean. He would like to spend more time at home, but we can't live on what I would earn. When he is here, he fathers, that's his "job". Even with housework I get plenty of time to "mother" during the day.

Keeping the house clean is not an all day exercise. Being organized is the big key, I believe. I do all the laundry, including cloth diapers. I do all the cleaning for the most part. My teenage girls are responsible for cleaning their room, and all three bigger kids help when asked. That usually means loading the dishwasher after dinner, or setting the table, or bringing laundry in off the clothesline. I bet I only spend two hours total a day cleaning, including folding laundry and hanging it out. I do most of the cleaning while the baby is with me, with the exception of ironing, because he tugs on the cord, and loading the dishwasher because he throws everything out. Other than that, I use nap time for me, usually reading a book, or hanging out online, sometimes napping with him.

DH and I do share the cooking, but I cook most weeknights, and he cooks weekends. I've been a SAHM for over 15 years, and I homeschooled for 12 of them, and I consider my job to be "homemaker". I want the kids to enjoy having friends over, to have homemade snacks, to feel relaxed and cheerful. I don't want the house to be messy, things to be hard to find, fights about chores. My kids come first, and if one is sick or cranky, then cleaning goes by the wayside. The place is clean enough and the schedule routine enough that a day or a few won't throw the whole thing into chaos anymore.


----------



## TappinMamma (Dec 24, 2002)

I think the keeping the house clean is important. I don't however think it is an unwritten rule. In other words, husbands shouldn't come home and be ticked if the dishes aren't done. Most of my housework doesn't get done some days because I am busy with the kids.


----------



## Doodlebugsmom (Aug 1, 2002)

I must admit that I do most of the housework around here! Before we had a child I worked full time and I did most of the housework then too. My dh is a self-proclaimed slob, and he just doesn't notice when something needs cleaned. It is a relief to me when dh comes home from work and takes over baby duty and I can just clean and straighten up everything. I really enjoy it! Sometimes I do manage to get a load of laundry in or do a few dishes during the day. I just put dd in her sling and go to it.


----------



## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

let me first say that i have a 7 mo old VERY high needs babe who isn't crawling yet. i can usually put him down for a few minutes at a time several times a day. i take advantage of this time to pee, or drink a glass of water w/o someone trying to grab it away from me, or throw something together for my bfast/lunch etc. housework is not a priority right now... and actually, even if it WAS, i don't know when i would be able to do it b/c ds is not content to ride in the sling while i do other things. he wants my attention all the time. and when he falls asleep, 99% of the time it is in my arms or the sling and i can't move around and do things b/c he wakes up. right now it IS NOT IMPORTANT for the floors etc to be clean b/c he isn't touching the floors, getting into things around the house, so frankly i don't really care if those places are dirty.

and although my house is a wreck, it is mainly clutter wreck and not filth wreck, i.e. food left out to rot or grow mold, or showers grimy with mildew, or poop laden diapers/wipes festering in the nursery, or trash spilling out of the kitchen trash can. i may be messy but i do know basic home hygiene.

having said that, those of you mamas who have pointed out that children need to see adults do meaningful work have really made me think. and this meaningful work is important. children should see their parents doing necessary, not-fun work and should, when old enough, participate in those chores. ITA that kids shouldn't think that things around the house 'get done' but rather, that THEY/WE as a family do them, and that just b/c things (i.e. chores) aren't fun, we don't have to do them. this is something that i need to work on 'cause it is a GREAT lesson to teach children.

NOTICE that i said children need to see their PARENTS doing work around the house. i personally, do NOT want my son to think that (like smithdaisies said) mommies stay home and clean while daddies go to work. when we do chores around the house, WE (dh and i) do them TOGETHER on the weekends (big chores like cleaning the bathrooms or raking leaves or mopping floors or planning the week's dinners/grocery shopping) or a few minutes (20 min. max) each night to load the dishwasher, wipe down the counters, throw a load of laundry in etc. When he comes home from work he wants to know how i am, how ds is, what cool things ds did that day, how naps went, etc and not whether i got around to waxing the floors.

but i suppose that we are all different and have different levels of house disorder that we are comfortable with and different dhs/sos who have different expectations of us as wives/mothers. for my sanity and his health, i am thankful that my dh does not expect me to be a housekeeper but rather that house chores are a shared responsibility.

and jessesmomme, i wanna be your friend! your house sounds like fun!!


----------



## Mommiska (Jan 3, 2002)

It's been interesting reading all the replies...

I also think I do most of the housework around our house, but dh helps out as well. I do think that I am home with the kids most of the time (I have two toddlers who also play well together), so I can get stuff done while they play or they 'help' me. It's much harder for dh to do housework and would take away from his 'Daddy' time...

That said, if we are both home together and there are things that need to be done - we both do them. NOT - he sits on his rear and I work! We both work hard at what we do, and we've agreed that what is fair is - we can both relax when all the cleaning/childcare stuff is done for the day and not before.







In these situations, he'll generally do whatever needs to be done with the girls (bath, dinner, etc.), and I'll do any other stuff - that way, they (dh and the girls) get to spend more time together...

That works out pretty well. I work part-time, and I know I get really annoyed on the occasions I come home and the kitchen is wrecked because dh has had the girls out playing all day and hasn't bothered to stick lunch dishes in the dishwasher, you know?

For us personally, it does help that I work part-time, and dh has some of the SAHP responsibilities at times...it helps us both to see the other person's point of view...


----------



## JesseMomme (Apr 6, 2002)

Frogertgrl -If I made ya laugh, I don't mind a bit! If I didn't sit back and find most of the trials of my day amusing I'd be looney.








T jess7396/Patty -where in syracuse are you? you can
pm me if you'd like


----------



## JesseMomme (Apr 6, 2002)

Hey the







T guy isn't angry anymore!!!


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

Quinsmami, oh I very much agree with you on that one! I don't want my kids thinking that women do housework and men sit on their butts and get waited on! I think we find a nice balance in our house. It would be cutting my nose off to spite my face if I refused to do a thing unless he was home though. And as someone else said, even with housework, I get to do lots of mothering, and my dh needs time to do his fathering. But also, some of his fathering can be mixed in with chores! My dd loves to rake leaves and shovel snow with him. No, she's not very effective, but she's helping and having fun with her dad








My dh also cooks better than I do. After messing up yet another recipe this weekend I said that's it, you're doing all the cooking on weekends, lol!

One other thing. This may be a lost cause, but I try to NOT instill the idea that housework is not fun and we have to get past it before doing the fun stuff. As I said, my dd finds some simple things fun (such as toilet swishing, swiffering and wiping stuff down) and I encourage this. I do not make chores a punishment and I try not to say "do this and then we can have fun". I try to keep it casual and make it fun in and of itself, hoping that maybe she will keep up the good attitude. And to be honest, since I've really gotten into the Flylady mentality and have been doing daily babysteps (instead of 4 hour martyred cleaning marathons), I am finding that housework is not as awful as I imagined







There is hope! LOL!


----------



## mamapixie (May 30, 2002)

I hate housework, always have. Daily, I do enough to make sure that Jonny doesn't pick up something off the carpet to chew on, dishes(well..sometimes, LOL),making sure Jonny's high chair is clean, and laundry to make sure we all have something to wear. It's actually a bit better now, because my 7yo has a playroom where most of his crap stays, and I only clean it up when I can no longer walk in there.

Oh yeah, and I absolutely despise folding laundry, so it just sits around in baskets after it's clean. I suppose now that I'm getting back into cd'ing, that will have to change.

BTW, DH is currently in S.Korea, serving in the Army, but the house was actually WORSE when he was here, because he was always dragging in crap on his boots, and he changed clothes 3 times a day(PT's in the morning, BDU's while he's at work, and then street clothes at night).

BTW, it's good to see other mommy's who don't keep an immaculate house. I know I'm not alone now!!


----------



## JesseMomme (Apr 6, 2002)

2


----------



## BensMom (May 4, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by Lisa_Lynn_
*He just doesn't really see the messes. When I made chore sheets he followed them, but I couldn't expect him to notice and take care of things that I saw and bugged me.
*








T Yeah what is the deal with this? My DH is the same way. He definitely pulls his weight in the chore dept, but I sometimes wonder why he can't see for himself that the trash needs to be taken out once it has broken the plane of the lid!

Back on topic, I work PT and DH works from home FT. He helps make the house a mess as much as DS or I, so we both pitch in. I *try* to vacuum twice a week, I do all the laundry and most of the decluttering and DH does the dishes, yard work and cleans the non carpet floors. When it comes to big stuff like bathrooms, we usually divide and conquer. But for the most part, my house remains just this side of clean (and I mean barely). Our room is a complete disaster, since guests never go in there - that's where all the junk goes!

I am lobbying to be a FT SAHM, and if that happens, I will probably pick up a little more slack. But I also want to spend a lot of time learning with my son, so housework definitely takes a back seat to child care.

Jenn


----------



## callmemama (May 7, 2002)

Ok, I'd better get with the program. DH and I both wanted to be the SAH parent, and I won







So I feel obligated (and THINK I'm expected) to do ALL the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and child care. I devote tons of time to ds and wouldn't trade that time for anything. I cook all our meals, pack dh's lunches, and make sure we have clean clothes, but I let the house slide all the time. I've spent about 1.5 hours away from home by myself twice a week since ds turned two. Watching ds for 3 hours a week wears dh out, but he claims its because he isn't used to it, so no empathy there! But, he's a good dad in that he involves ds in things he's doing and plays with him (when HE feels like it), and he does handle the mowing. So even though I get resentful sometimes, all I have to do is look around me and count my blessings, particularly my little 3yo blessing







Who by the way, loves to wash (?) dishes and vacuum, so there may be hope for our house yet!!!


----------



## mommymushbrain (Nov 2, 2002)

Yes, it is a part of my SAH "job"... but it does not mean I can be abused.

DD7 has learned the hard way that I mean it when I say to put your dirty clothes from your room/bathroom into the laundry room. School came one day... wintertime and she had run out of long pants to wear! If they don't make it to the laundry room I don't wash them.

DH used to get up from the dinner table and leave his plate there for ME to clean up and clear off. I tried leaving it sit on the table, but the girls would try to get into it. So I began stacking them in a corner of the countertop. 2 days go by and suddenly there isn't enough dinner plates for him to eat off of! Everyone else got a plate of food, but not him. He got really peeved that night, but I did get my point across.

It's about common courtesy if you ask me. I don't trash your workspace, so don't trash mine.


----------



## beanzer (Feb 3, 2003)

I'm very much inspired by the Continuum Concept, and I found the key was to learn to tie my baby on my back. Luckily, I have a friend from Rwanda, and she showed me how to get a wee babe on my back and tied on securely - it really is quite easy. My dd loves it, too. She giggles like crazy when I'm tying her on, and almost immediately goes to sleep when I start my cleaning. I can do any job with her on my back. She is 14 mos now, and we have had a clean house since she was about 4 mos old. When she was very small, I think she liked the deep knee bending motion of picking stuff up - she would go straight to sleep. I'm sorry I didn't know how to tie her on sooner.

That said, there are days when I just plain old don't feel like cleaning squat. My dh keeps his lips zipped, because he knows if he complains about the mess, he'll be the one cleaning it up









But most days, I can be found with a baby on my back, getting the chores done. I am now finding that dd likes to help with some things, like folding clothes, sweeping and she loves anything to do with the toilet. She will happily clean the toilet every day! I just take off her shirt, fill the bowl with baking soda, hand her a scrubby, and she will swirl and scrub for half an hour. She loves it!

I'm not sure how this will work out with more than one child, but I highly recommend that people get a copy of the Continuum Concept - it has some very interesting things to say about the wisdom of just playing with kids all day, making them the centre of your world. I can't say I agree with everything, but it sure was a good read!


----------



## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by ShannonCC_
*
One other thing. This may be a lost cause, but I try to NOT instill the idea that housework is not fun and we have to get past it before doing the fun stuff. As I said, my dd finds some simple things fun (such as toilet swishing, swiffering and wiping stuff down) and I encourage this. I do not make chores a punishment and I try not to say "do this and then we can have fun". I try to keep it casual and make it fun in and of itself, hoping that maybe she will keep up the good attitude.*
Shannon, I think this is absolutely fantastic! Something that I definitely need to try to do with ds when he gets older. I don't want my dislike of household chores to be passed on to ds. I need to get this boy trained to love housework so he will make his wife soooooooo happy one day. LOL!!!

BUT!!!!







(couldn't resist)

I still think that housework should be divided equally among all members of the household regardless of whether one stays at home full or part time.

Of course I try to pick up any messes that ds and I make during the day, and if I can throw in a load of diapers or load the dishwasher or vaccuum, great. But to be honest, I have no desire to figure out how to organize my day in order to get more household work done, b/c I just don't think that's what I am supposed to doing in my job as a SAHM.

As ekblad7 said:

Quote:

I think the kids are my job. We homeschool and are very busy with other things as well. My job is to take them to the library, music class, gymnastics, dance, etc and to PLAY with them!

great discussion, mamas!!!


----------



## sagewinna (Nov 19, 2001)

I think it is the responsibility of all people in the house to clean up. We all make the messes...

I cook every meal but Wednesday night dinner. DH does the dishes every night but Wednesday. Other than that, we do what needs to be done. The kids each have things they do every day as well, such as running a load of laundry, folding the laundry, unloading dishwasher, helping me cook that day, feeding the animals, vaccuuming, etc. We keep their stuff on a chart.

Our house isn't like Better Homes and Gardens unless we are expecting company or having a gathering, but it's clean and relatively tidy. The animals are cared for, food is cooked several times a day, clothes are clean and the clutter in the main rooms is kept to a minimum.


----------



## kofduke (Dec 24, 2002)

I'm home for 6 months with our DS. While I'm home, I try and do as much of the housework as possible. It's not that DH expects me to do it - but if I don't do it, he will, and I'd rather he had the opportunity to spend time with Aaron when he's home.

This summer, he'll be off when I go back to work - and I expect the same privilege for me!

Kristin


----------



## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

It primarily is my job as a SAHM to do the house stuff. Dh does his share, but I do most of it. I can't remember the last time he did laundry, but I also can't remember the last time I built a deck, or redid drywall, or .... I try to have the house spotless and the laundry up to date by the time he comes home on a Friday, so we can have the weekend as a family in a clean house. It's been done perfectly once!!

I do get the kids to help, though if you saw dd1's bedroom, you would cry.







:


----------



## Faith (Nov 14, 2002)

I remember when my first baby was a month old, my father happened to stop over at the same time dh got home from work. The house was clean, ds was happy and held, but my dad saw there was no dinner waiting for dh, and told me how it was!!







He basicly told me how lazy I was (hello?) and how I needed to earn my keep, etc.

Anyway, later on my dh and I had a talk, and I remember trying to tell him HE should really be responsible for all the cooking/cleaning/etc because, I was responsible for raising our child and that should be my only responsibility since it was so important.







Didn't happen, but it was a nice try!

On a practical note, almost four years later, I do everything around here! I love the Continuum Concept, and we very much try to go along with that. I also feel that I need to do something for my dh, since he works so hard for us, and I guess that translates into giving him a nice clean house, etc.

That said, of course there are the off days he comes home to a house that looks like it was ransacked! And then he is understanding and will help out, if I tell him very slowly exactly what to do and how to do it! I guess for us, he would never expect me to do certain things (car care,etc), and I don't expect him to do certain things either (unless I really need him to cuz of the kids).

I do tell him about this thread though, and how maybe I should not be doing all I do!


----------



## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

Reading the posts after mine I feel compelled to add that it's not like I don't do any housework all day long. I wash the dishes daily, do laundry daily, follow my kid around and help him put away everything he spreads about the house. And, I certainly do my part to give him a safe, clean space to explore. I just don't see it as only my job or even mostly my job. I'm in the camp with QuinsMami, basically. And I am blessed with a partner that does more than his share without being asked, who actually sees the dirty bathroom and does something about it. Who actually sees the full diaper pail and tosses them in the wash. We are a team.

Not that those of you who do all the housework don't have teamwork with your partners. Sounds like many of you have just chosen different divisions of labor than we have. If it works for your family, great!

We have been listening to 'Free to be You and Me' a lot lately, and there is that amazing spoken word piece by Carol Channing about housework. Well, it's about housework and media literacy and gender equality. Man, I love that album. Anyway, in this piece she talks about how everybody hates housework, even the ladies on tv who smile while they're doing it (she points out that they are actresses, paid to smile). And she says that the only way to enjoy housework is to do it together! True, true, true!


----------



## Shanghaimum (Jan 4, 2002)

I think that unfortunately society believes it to be so. My Dh would love if I did the cleaning. But... alas he does most of the cleaning. I look after our son and do the cooking and the laundry. I try and keep the house relatively tidy, but I don't worry too much about it. My Dh works long hours (is away from the house for 60 hours/week), but he is wonderful - he does the vacuuming, washes floors, cleans the bathroom, etc. I feel very lucky.
Once in awhile we have a discussion about our roles... so far things are going well though.

Emma


----------



## simple gifts (Feb 27, 2003)

I have a grown, married daughter, 24, and two teenage daughters, 15 and 13. None of the three of them has grown up to think that moms stay home and clean while dads go to work, even though I ahve been a SAHM that also cleans and cooks for all their lives. Perhaps part of it is in how it's explained to them, but most of it is that they are far too bright to think that.

My kids know that staying home, being with them, available to them, and keeping the house and the garden is the job I have chosen. I love my job, I think it makes a valuable contribution to society and to our family.

They have never had any trouble with the concept that I could have a different, out of the home job if I chose. They certainly don't seem to think that my job is a lesser one than their father's because he leaves the house to do it. Of course, my dh happily helps out without being asked if there are tasks unfinished. I just try hard to not leave things undone for him to do when he gets home.

I find it interesting that moms here have expressed the concern that if they clean, their kids will somehow equate that with them having a less important job than the partner who works outside the home. It's something that never occured to me until I read this thread.


----------



## comet (Aug 22, 2002)

Yes, I think part of being a sahm is to clean the house. Not spotless, but it's easy to toss a load of laundry in, and load the dishwasher while dd plays. Or make the bed or whatnot. We save the bigger jobs for weekends when we're all together, but it makes the evenings better this way. This fall, dh will be sahd while I work and I expect him to take over a lot of these daytime jobs.

However, I agree with what others say in that whatever works for each family is the goal.


----------



## Rachel Fox (Jan 4, 2002)

i am SO HAPPY I found this thread. Frankly, i'm sort of old fashioned in my thinking and have always thought it my job to keep everything around here *sparkling*. Eeeewwwww, puke, give me a f****** break, my house looks like a tornado went through it half the time. I think dh does think it's my job but he doesn't care and doesn't make me feel bad. Well guess what ladies, i'm tired of felling guilty and thanks to this thread...I'M NOT GOING TO ANYMORE!!!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!
FREEDOM!!!!!
I'm gonna have a good day with my kids and just not worry about it!!!!!


----------



## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by PerfectLove_
*I also feel that I need to do something for my dh, since he works so hard for us, and I guess that translates into giving him a nice clean house, etc.
*
OOH OOH OOH a lightbulb went off in my head when I read this!!!

I think this might just be at the crux of the debate here.

See, I don't view it as dh works and I don't. DH has a job, and I have a job (I just don't get paid for my job). And I feel like my job (taking care of a high needs infant) is damn hard, and on many days I think my job is HARDER than dh's.

I also don't think being able to SAH was a 'gift' or a 'priviledge' that DH gave me; it was a decision that we came to b/c we knew that we didn't want to use daycare for ds's early year(s), and since as a teacher health insurance through my work was waaaaay more expensive than through his work, and I made waaaaay less than he did, it made sense for me to quit my job.

Hence, I don't feel like I 'owe' him anything in return, or to pay him back for giving me something. I appreciate his contributions to our family (both monetary and not) and he appreciates my contributions to our family. And neither one of us thinks that his monetary contribution is more important than my contributions, or that I need to do more around the house just b/c I am not bringing in a paycheck.


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

Quinsmami, that's a good insight. I agree with you. My job is hard. After a few long weekends Dh has even commented (not so jokingly!!!) that he can't wait to go to work and get away (my spirited dd is SUCH a 4 y/o







). I do not feel that I "owe" dh anything and neither does dh.

HOWEVER, I still clean the house







Partly because I'm here. I am not willing to let everything go to pot just because he's not here and I'm not going to not do something just to prove a point.

Partly for me. I enjoy being able to walk through a room without having to find a path :LOL I enjoy being able to reach for a dish and find a clean one. I enjoy being able to decide on a whim to make banana bread WITHOUT having to clear a space on the counter first.

Partly for my kids. Yes, being their mom is my job and part of that job (IMO) is making sure they have clean clothing (laundry), food (cooking and washing dishes), a clean environment to live in (vacumming, scrubbing, etc) and room to play (picking up). I also believe that part of my job as a PARENT (not just as a MOM) is to teach them how to manage a house. That means we keep up on the cleaning daily. I do not want them to learn what my parents taught me; that you don't clean until the mess gets so awful you can't stand it and then you do it all at once and whine about housework the whole time.

But you know, if my dh had the attitude that I OWED him this, that he worked and I didn't, well, that would be different! Thankfully I married well







My dh was in the military right out of high school and then was a bachelor living on his own until he was 32 (when we married). He cooks, he cleans, he knows how to take care of a house and himself. He certainly does not come home and sit on his butt waiting for me to bring him his slippers


----------



## abigailvr (May 17, 2002)

I think it might depend on your definition of "cleaning the house." I made it sound like I don't do anything in my original post. I do the dishes during the day, I do laundry (diapers and otherwise) probably every other day), I clean up DS' toys so that he can have the joy of taking them all out again. I sometimes sweep the kitchen, but I find it exceptionally difficult to do more complex cleaning, like mopping and scrubbing the bathrooms or floors with a 9 month old DS who seems to be determined to get into the most dangerous things in the house!


----------



## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

I also think that it is not "my job" b/c I'm the sahp, but I just do most of it b/c I'm here. On days when my dh is home with the kids (when I substitute teach), I come home to a disaster, not becuase he thinks it my job and leaves it for me, but b/c it's just harder for him to care for the kids than it is me, also he tries to do freelance work while I'm gone. Sometimes I do come home and he's got everything cleaned up, and that does feel good after a long day away from the kids, to just come in and not have to pick up, just to play with them, so it gives me perspective.

Dh and I decided together that I should be at home with the kids, because I wanted it more, and frankly I'm the one with the breasts (small but there







)
So, neither he nor I feel it is my "job" to do the housework. When he is home, if there is housework to do, he likes to do his share, but usually I tell him to play with the kids, b/c I like to see/hear them all together playing and I get to play with them all day. I just know from being out there a couple of days a week myself, it's nice to have that time with the kids, and sometimes it's nice for me to have a few minutes to do something without someone wiping their nose on my leg, even if it is laundry.








Patty


----------



## Faith (Nov 14, 2002)

QuinsMami and everyone~








I just want to say, I actually agree with what everyone is saying! I really think this is individual and I understand fully all your points.

But there is just something I can't put into words here...







:
If DH didn't go out and make money, I couldn't stay home.
So wouldn't it be unfair of me, if I just said "the kids are my only job" and quit doing laundary and cleaning and cooking when I am the one at home all day? And then when he comes home after a 40-50 hour week he (or we) have to then scrub the bathroom, fold clothes, etc?

I am not saying I *owe* him all the housework, but does he *owe* me getting up early every morning and working hard every day?

I feel he really has the short end of the stick as it is.
I am home all day with our beautiful kids, I can usually take "breaks," maybe even get a nap or lay around outside on a sunny day sometimes. Kwim? Then he even makes enough for me to buy things for myself that I never could on my own, so I just like to show him I *appreciate* him, and if he knows he can spend his off-work time with the kids or outside or whatever he *feels* appreciated.

I don't know.








T Off topic for most of you, but I am a Christian, and I like what the Bible says about it very much. Men are to provide and be the head of the house, woman are to be keepers at home and manage their house. They are both to love and take care of each other. Sorry, but I just think that is the nicest way to raise a family.


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

I also have to wonder what our definitions of "housework" are







: I would bet that some of the moms who say they do housework during the day are doing the same things as some of the moms who say they don't









I am very much enjoying this thread! It's very interesting to see all the different perspectives.


----------



## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by PerfectLove_
*







T Off topic for most of you, but I am a Christian, and I like what the Bible says about it very much. Men are to provide and be the head of the house, woman are to be keepers at home and manage their house. They are both to love and take care of each other. Sorry, but I just think that is the nicest way to raise a family.







*
Ok, I'm going to get further OT, but I'm not a Christian and didn't know the Bible actually said that!? Not meaning to discredit you or your faith, but that just strikes me as... well... unfair! What about all the loving Daddies who stay home (and I know we have some families like that here)? And I sure as heck am not comfortable considering my partner the 'head of the house' (in fact, our current outgoing voicemail instructs those calling for the head of the house to leave messages for Jackson!). I'm glad that you find some validation for your family's structure and division of labor in your religion, but I happen to think that a division of labor that respects how hard both of us work and doesn't lump all the housework in my court is a pretty nice way to raise a family, too!

I don't intend this in a defensive tone, honest. Just adding some perspective...


----------



## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Well, if you were working and had your kids in child care or with a nanny, you wouldn't expect to get a clean house in the bargain. Seems like if you are staying home to do the childcare than you aren't expected to clean as well. Full-time nannying is a full time job same as any at any office.

Is it the proximatly of the hourse that makes us think cleaning is included in the (i.e. would someone who works from home be expected to clean 9-5 as well) or is it childcare specifically?


----------



## daisies (Oct 31, 2002)

Excellent point mamawannabe!!! Did I spell that correctly? It seems like this thread is taking on a different direction and our opinions about housework are intricately linked with those of economics, gender equality, etc. I just read Naomi Wolf's book Misconceptions and it is wonderful, profound! I highly recommend it.


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

In a daycare situation, I would expect housework to be done. No, not *my* housework, but the house where the child is being cared for. What if the daycare provider said that her job was to play with the kids and nothing more and wouldn't clean? You'd have a daycare with messy bathrooms, a filthy kitchen, dusty rooms, dirty floors that babies would be crawling on, etc. It can be cleaned as they go, or all at once when the kids leave, but it HAS to be done! And if I had a nanny, I would expect her to clean up after the child instead of leaving a disaster for me. Sometimes that means the carpet vacuumed after cheerios were dumped, the floor swiffered after spills, the toys picked up numerous times a day, food cooked and cleaned up afterward. So yeah, I guess I do think housework is part of childcare.

Again, I guess this depends on our definitions of housework! I consider cleaning up after my child (and myself and the pets) to be housework. I also do dh's laundry, make him lunches, etc, but the bulk of the mess in this house is generated by those of us who are home all day long.


----------



## daisies (Oct 31, 2002)

I think that there is a misperception about those of us who say we believe housework should be shared. Does this mean that we play and do nothing else all day long? Of course not. I do all sorts of "housework" that is involved in babycare. I clean up the kitchen after us and keep the floors clean and we all put toys away. I try to keep up on laundry. However, I do not feel I owe it to have dinner prepared every night or the bathrooms spotless or the top of the bookshelf dusted.
I am back in school part time and when I get home from class in the evening I do not expect that my husband has washed my laundry or baked fresh scones for breakfast. I do expect that he has cleaned up after their dinner and bathed the girls and straightened up the toys. Just cleaning up after yourself, that's all.


----------



## Ocean (May 10, 2002)

I am very surprised how many SAHMs do not feel is it part of their job to do the housekeeping. I agree that everyone should do some housework and not expect to get waited on, but if one person is at home all day, I think that person should do the bulk of the housework. Perhaps I have a different perspective as a WOHM with a primarily SAHD. But I usually have less than two hours at home at night with my dd after dinner before we both go to bed, and I am too physically exhausted to do much housework. (DD is up much of the night and I typically only get 4 hours of sleep at night). So I spend most of my time Saturday and Sunday cleaning because dh doesn't do much of it during the week. It bothers me to no end that what little free time I have I often have to put dd in her playpen so I can pay bills, clean the bathroom, etc. I cherish every moment with dd and, although like any toddler she has her difficult moments, I would never call it work. I don't get "nap time" at my job, and my "breaks" are spent pumping milk, so I figure that my dh should be able to get at least some housework done during the day when dd is napping or playing with her toys.


----------



## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

Exactly what I was going to write smithdaisy. Childcare does invole picking up after yourself and the child, but not laundry or a scrubbed toilet etc.

If both you and your spouse were working full time for money, you'd share household chores.

It does seem to be about money? Since the stay at home parent isn't bringing in money (which we value so even if not consciously) then s/he needs to make up for that by doing more than half the household chores? What do y'all thinK?

Or is it just that we don't think "full-time childcare" is like full time office/factory/restaurant etc work in that we believe there should be lots of time energy leftover (physical and mental) to dust the bookshelves?


----------



## abigailvr (May 17, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by mamawanabe_
*It does seem to be about money? Since the stay at home parent isn't bringing in money (which we value so even if not consciously) then s/he needs to make up for that by doing more than half the household chores? What do y'all thinK?*
I don't think I have to "make up" for not working. I work all day and night long. I don't get many breaks, if any. DS often will only nap on me, so even my breaks are spent "working". He also wakes up frequently at night, and usually wants to nurse, so I am working then as well. I think saying that SAHM/Ds aren't making a contribution just because there's no monetary compensation is a bit unfair.

I also don't think that the answer to this question is the same for everyone. Every couple splits the chores their own way. I do a lot while I'm home, I just can't do everything, and I need DH to pick up the slack, either by playing with DS while I do something or by doing housework while I get DS out of the way.

It bothers me that staying at home isn't considered valuable, just because we don't get paychecks.


----------



## mamawanabe (Nov 12, 2002)

yes abagail, that's what I was trying to get at - that by expecting the work at home partent to do housework we are really saying something about how we don't value the work s/he is doing in childcare. I was trying to get at the cultural reasons for this devaluation.

IMO chores shoudl be slipt 50-50 twix the woh parent and the sah parent, both who have full-time jobs . . .


----------



## simple gifts (Feb 27, 2003)

I still think that splitting the housework 50/50 ignores the fact that the working parent loses time with the child in that arrangement.

I don't think that working means that person has to do no work around the house. Everybody should contribute something. But I know for a fact that I can get more housework done and still spend significant time with my baby than my dh can after work.

I also think that in a traditional work setting, daytime hours, that partner who works loses even more because of the timing. My baby is not at his best in the evening and night. Dh already misses the best, funnest part of the day. To expect him to come home and clean, even with the babe at hand, means even less "quality time" with our child.

If DH has to work for pay, clean half the house, and raise our children, how is that more fair than my job? I raise our children, a job he would love to do, and I clean half the house. The whole 9 hours a day he is gone working seem to have gotten written off the list. I certainly don't think that because he works, he doesn't have to father. Why should I think that because I mother, I shouldn't have to work?


----------



## glh (Nov 19, 2001)

I don't know if anyone has said this but could you really just play with the kids all day and not do housework? Sometimes I welcome doing chores as a break from playing. My dd loves to "help" so mostly it is just the basics that get done, but it would drive me crazy not to pick up, vacuum, do dishes etc. during the day.

When I was a wohm I still did most of the chores, so maybe it was not really fair, but I think that is still very common in our society. So even though we are now home all day and mess up the house all day, it still doesn't seem as hard to keep up as it did when I was a wohm.

My dh has a very physical job, so maybe that is part of why I let him off the hook so easily, he really is physically exhausted when he gets home after a 12 hour day. Now the kids are a different story, before my oldest ds was away at college he was expected to help out quite a bit around the house.


----------



## Jish (Dec 12, 2001)

While Ocean's post really got me thinking, she is in a unique situation since she is the one going to work, then when she gets home it sounds like she is the primary caregiver since she is nursing and up at night with the baby. For you, I agree that your dh should be pulling his weight in housework.

However, as a sahm, I am "on duty" 24 hours a day. My first was an increadibly high needs baby. I spent most of my waking hours breastfeeding (an hour and fifteen minutes out of every two hours.) He also would not sleep if I wasn't holding him. As he eased into the latter half of his first year and would nap without me, I picked up and did more housework.

When the second came, he was a horrible sleeper. For a year and a half I didn't get more than an hour and a half of sleep in a row, and that was rare. I typically got around three hours a night in 25 to 45 minute segments. It makes functioning very hard and in my case, led to depression, medication and a hospital stay.

I am still the one who has to get up with the kids, simply because I am the one they want. The youngest (2 1/2) is going through a stage where he ONLY wants me to do things (and I mean anything) for him. Thus, I have become the focus of competition between my 4 1/2 year old and my 2 1/2 year old. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. It is physically impossible for me to do much housework with the two very active boys. I could give up the hour or so that I spend here each day, but I wouldn't be the mother I am if I did that. I deserve this time. I work hard.

Ocean, I hope you can somehow convince your dh to pitch in and help you. You are way overloaded. I feel very lucky that my dh feels that keeping the house in order is as much his job as it is mine, although I always seem to be the one to clean the toilets and showers.


----------



## abigailvr (May 17, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by mothersong_
*yes abagail, that's what I was trying to get at - that by expecting the work at home partent to do housework we are really saying something about how we don't value the work s/he is doing in childcare. I was trying to get at the cultural reasons for this devaluation.*
I'm sorry, I thought you were stating that you thought that the parents at home should do the work because they are there.

Quote:

_Originally posted by mothersong_
*Why should I think that because I mother, I shouldn't have to work?*
Not to be argumentative, but isn't being a mother work? Even if it's work we all enjoy, it is still work. At the end of the day, if not a lick of housework got done, I'm still exhausted. I agree that it's not nice for the WOH parent to come home and not get to see the kid, but it's not as if the SAH parent isn't working by providing meals and diaper changes, baths, playtime to the child.

I personally don't spend all day playing with DS, but I do spend all day relating to him, and watching him. I make sure he eats, gets a clean diaper when needed, takes naps. I also do the grocery shopping and all of the cooking during that time. I find it hard to believe that all of that doesn't count as working if I haven't also scrubbed the toilets.


----------



## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

I want to describe my average day/week, because I suspect that our days are more alike than different and that we simply think about/define them differently.

Here's what we do: We all get up at about the same time and my partner and I both keep an eye on the kiddo until he leaves for work. Most days Daddy gives Jackson breakfast because Mama has not had enough coffee yet to be human.









During the day I usually do some laundry and wash the morning dishes, plus tidying up whatever disasters the little guy creates as he explores the house. Once or twice a week I manage to do something else, like clean the bathroom or vacuum during the day. During the week we run some errands like grocery shopping as well as going to a couple of playgroups, the library, the park, the gym...

When my partner gets home from work, he plays with the baby for 30-60 minutes, depending upon how hungry we are. I sometimes use this time to get some chores done but more often I veg out on the couch watching them play. Then, my partner cooks (almost every night!). Lucky for me, he loves to cook and he's really good at it and he likes cooking as a transition to being home. While he cooks Jackson and I play, sometimes we 'play' at doing laundry, and our w/d is in the kitchen so we're all together. After my partner gives Jackson a bath while I do the dishes. While I'm nursing the baby to sleep my partner will sometimes tidy up something, sometimes work on balancing the checkbook or paying bills, sometimes he will get a beer and watch tv.

On the weekends, we negotiate. We sit down for a minute and talk about what needs to be done, what we can do together, what we'll need to trade off hanging with the baby in order to get done. We make sure that most of our weekends include time together as a family as well as a break for me (usually a couple hours on Saturdays when they go out and run errands or do something fun).

Our house is not immaculate, but it's tidy and clean. This is what sharing responsibility for housework looks like for us, and it works pretty well most of the time and neither of us feels taken advantage of or resentful.


----------



## natmother (Feb 5, 2003)

Here it is, yes unfortunately. My husband works long hours so I am respectful to that. Of course he has to clean up after himself and not create more for me to do!! LOL









I've got my business plus I am a leader of a playgroup and we go to a parent participation preschool so i am very very busy and I never stop going. UGG.


----------



## comet (Aug 22, 2002)

Gotta burst that nanny bubble. Around where I live, nannies do housework. Not scrubbing tile, but they do "light" housework, such as making snacks/meals, cleaning the kitchen, making beds and some laundry. Depends on the agency, but many of those nannies, esp live-ins do some housework.


----------



## applejuice (Oct 8, 2002)

When I was a SAHM I did do housework and take care of my 3 dc's. I was frantic and tired all of the time.

I vacuumed and dusted and cleaned. As part of my homeschooling routine, I taught my dc's how to clean and organize things. Some science lessons were included as how to use cleaners and hot water and soaps and the care of electrical equipment.

BTW, none of this rubbed off on my dc's. My daughter is a slob, my ds#2 is a slob; my ds #1 is fairly neat though, and the jury is still out on ds #4.


----------



## Qtopia (Dec 24, 2002)

This is what I don't understand.

Is the assumption that if the person staying at home isn't doing housework, they aren't doing anything all day?

Quote:

_Originally posted by Ocean_
*but if one person is at home all day, I think that person should do the bulk of the housework.*
Or that the sahp "plays" all day?

Quote:

_Originally posted by glh_

I don't know if anyone has said this but could you really just play with the kids all day and not do housework?
Or that SAHMs don't work long hours?

Quote:

_Originally posted by natmother_

My husband works long hours so I am respectful to that.

My day/week looks very much like tara's. And, like tara, my dh and I have decided that we are willing to put up with some clutter in order for both of our jobs (bringing home a paycheck and taking care of our ds) to be appreciated. So, he doesn't spend all or even much his time at home cleaning, he spends it with ds and with me. And I don't spend time when I am home doing major housework; I spend it taking care of ds. We allot a few minutes each night and a couple of hours on the weekends to get those chores done which we think are critical. And the rest just isn't important enough right now.

And like many of us "non housework" mamas have admitted, most moms who think they don't do any housework actually ARE doing light housework during the day, so IN ADDITION to the more important work of taking care of child(ren), most moms are doing housework. I don't think there is a SAHM on this earth who would describe her job as staying home and playing all day.

And I think this bears repeating, b/c it is so often forgotten:

Quote:

_Originally posted by jbcjmom_

However, as a sahm, I am "on duty" 24 hours a day.
One thing that has been bothering me throughout this thread is the implication that mothering is not ENOUGH work, and that SAHMs need to make up for the fact that they are "just" mothers or "only" mothers and therefore need to do MORE than mothering. And IMHO, I don't think we do. I think that mothering (and all the nursing, feeding, diaper changing, putting to sleep, talking to, cleaning up after, and yes, even PLAYING) is such a huge job in and of itself-- and, unlike my dh's job, MY JOB NEVER ENDS.


----------



## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

I think we all agree that it all depends on the situation, I have already said that when I have a nursing baby, I hardly do any housework, but now, with 2 toddlers who play together, I have lots of time for housework, and I like us all to hang out as a family when dh gets home, when he comes home, he is not done working, he's just changing hats from "graphic designer" to "Daddy"-the title he prefers!

Again, it depends on the situation, but for us, I try to get as much done as possible during the day, so that dh can be "daddy" as much as possible when he gets home.

In my house, "mommy" is not the only one who works 24 hours a day, "daddy" does too. When the kids are nursing, I take more of the childcare, and he does more housework. When they wean, I do more housework, while he does more childcare (not more than me, but more than before)









Another 2 cents from me.


----------



## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

, QuinsMami!!


----------



## shelbean91 (May 11, 2002)

My question is if the sahp doesn't do most of the housework, who does? My dh works 12 hr shifts overnights. Yes, I'm also working those same 12 hrs, as well as the 12 hrs he's not working, but the difference is when he's at work, it's physically impossible for him to do ANY housework, whereas it is possible for me to do it simply b/c I'm there. He does do things when he's home, he does yardwork and plenty of other things, but when he's home (and awake) I'd much rather have him playing with the kids and me clean. They miss him so much when he's gone- I don't want to tell them they have to wait while he cleans the house.

I'm guessing we are all talking about mostly the same thing. When I said I cleaned, I meant I vacuumed, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher, usually cook (with the crockpot, but it's still hot food), and try to keep the clutter under control. I can easily go weeks (or even months) without dusting, mopping the floors, scrubbing the toilets or bathtubs, or cleaning the windows and mirrors.

I guess for some people, my house isn't clean. It is picked up and not at risk for being condemned by the health department and my kids are happy. That's all that matters to me.


----------



## natmother (Feb 5, 2003)

My husband works like 65 - 70 hours a week. I saw him for like 5 minutes before I went to bed last night. He does manage to do all of our laundry on his 1 day off and miscellaneous other stuff so I shouldn't say that he doesn't do anything. For the first 18 months of Cassidy's life we lived with my parents and I did nothing but take care of the kids and my business and pick up toys then. My retired dad and mom did most of the housework then.
Right now since we are in our new place I manage to get the dishes cleaned, sweep, and pick up toys..... but that's about it, my house is not spottless. LOL
Our dream is that my business will grow so well and we both can stay home and share all childcare, household, and business responsibilities.


----------



## simple gifts (Feb 27, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by QuinsMami_
I think that mothering (and all the nursing, feeding, diaper changing, putting to sleep, talking to, cleaning up after, and yes, even PLAYING) is such a huge job in and of itself-- and, unlike my dh's job, MY JOB NEVER ENDS. [/B]
OK, I guess maybe this is the major difference between our perpectives, because my dh's job never ends, either. He works out of the home all day long, and then when he comes home, he fathers. He isn't "off duty", or "done working". His job isn't over. He starts the second shift, parenting our children.

To be honest, I do some of my housework after he gets home. When he is here, why should I read a book to ds, or give him a bath? I've had the entire day to do those things. DH gets those few hours after work and before bed to play and read and do care. I really don't want him to have to see our son while he is doing dishes, or cleaning the bathroom.

I think it is in our children's best interest for them to have time with their dad. Not just part of his attention while he cleans or cooks, but real, honest to goodness attention. There isn't enough time in the day for DH to give them that if he has to do housework. During the hours that he is gone, I can give our children undivided attention, and time shared with cleaning and cooking. I consider that the best of both worlds.

I know that if parenting is a full time job for me, then it is also a job for my DH. I don't think I can have it both ways, and say that the mothering I do is work, but the fathering he does when he gets home isn't work, it's time off.


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

My dh is a great dad too







Unfortunately not all dads are (well, not all moms are great moms either of course! I'm not just picking on men). And yeah, some men do come home and sit in front of the tube, ignore the kids AND refuse to do housework.

It's true I do most of the housework during the day, but dh comes home and just like Mothersong said, he's starting his second shift. He is a DAD







He gets Bridget ready for bed every night. We have two kids who still nurse to sleep so he spends an hour getting her ready (mostly playing and reading stories) while I nurse the baby down. Then he takes the sleeping baby while I nurse dd down. From the minute he walks in the door he has a child attached to him. Usually dd who is very much a Daddy's girl right now. And sometimes it's ds since my dh adores babies. But it's not like he comes home from "work" and now he's off. If what I do is work (and I think it is!!!), then what he does at night with his kids is work too. In some ways it's MORE work where Bridget is concerned. With me home all day she plays by herself a good bit but she doesn't give her dad a minute's rest! (And to think a few short years ago he complained because she would have nothing to do with him, lol!)

I just wanted to say I don't think anyone really thinks SAHM's play all day. When this thread started however, we had a lot of misunderstandings simply because we were thinking of this in black and white! There were more than a few posts where people wrote that their job was to "be with" their kids, play with their kids, teach their kids, take their kids for walks, etc, and that they weren't going to let housework get in the way of that. I think somehow it ended up sounding like some of us play all day and live in pigstys, and some of us polish silver all day and neglect our kids







It's not so cut and dried as all that.


----------



## faeriemom (Nov 20, 2001)

Mothersong -- I agree completely with what you've said!!









I'm a SAH, homeschooling mom who also has a work-from-home part time job, and I still feel that getting some housework in during the day (in addition to everything else I do) IS one of my household responsibilities. Dh works six days a week, and when he's home I don't want him doing housework...I want him spending time with ds, giving him undivided attention, talking and playing with him. It's more important that they have that time together than it is for me to have help with cleaning, you know?

When I'm sick or need help, dh helps. Without complaining. And he always makes a point to say thank you when I've done all the laundry and put his clothes away, because he knows that laundry is my least favorite "chore." Sometimes he does the laundry for us. It's just never been an issue with us.

I guess I don't understand how someone could be home all day and NOT feel like they should get some of the housework done. Even with children.....it doesn't have to take all day (I usually just straighten up and then do one "big" cleaning project each day -- like clean the bathroom or do laundry or dust and vacuum). I never try to do it all at one time.

If roles were reversed and I was working outside the home, and dh was staying home with ds, I would expect him to handle most of the housework. I certainly wouldn't want to come home and clean house when I could be spending the evening hanging out with ds instead.

Just my perspective. In the end, we all have to do what works for us and our families. Clean house/don't clean house...it's an individual choice.

faeriemom


----------



## Summer (Feb 27, 2003)

Mothersong has it for us as well. When DH comes home, I'm "off duty" so to speak. Granted, my boy is 19 months old and not nursing any more, so it's possible, but even when ds was a newborn DH walked in the door and took the baby.

I consider it my job to maintain the home, but childcare is a joint responsibility. It wouldn't be fair to DS or DH to have it any other way, I don't think. Besides, if DH had to do half the housework, that would have to come from time he would have been able to spend with DS and that's just not fair. I have all day with him, DH deserves as much time in the evening as he can get. Also, I get a 2 hour break from childcare duty everyday when DS naps. DH doesn't get anything like that at his job. It's more than enough time to keep our apartment pretty darned clean.


----------



## Cloverlove (Jan 2, 2003)

Thanks mothersong!

That same issue has been nagging me regarding this thread- I just couldn't articulate it as well as you.









If dh was hands-off then I would probably have a whole different perspective. But b/c he spends so much time with the kiddos and doesn't get all the breaks I do during the day, I like to have the place tidied-up when he gets home.







Believe me, I never thought I would be this person! But I really don't feel like a sellout to my feminist ideals. We both work hard and we are a great team.

We are in the process of role reversal- I'm going back to work and he's gonna be the homeschooling papa! I'm sure he'll have the place pretty clean, but I'll still be the laundry goddess!


----------



## mojomom (Mar 5, 2003)

I can't beleive how long this thread got. it is so intersting to read all the different views and see we all want the same things strong bonds with our famalies and happy homes









As far as the points being made about the dads helping out, my dh does help he gives the kids their baths gets their p.j.s on and reads to them and tucks them in along with helping our dd set the table. He helps dd with homework plays with our ds while I get dinner ready and either helps clean up and I finish while he plays with the kids. It serves both peoples interst this way dh gets bonding time while taking some of the workload off me. I don't think my dh helping with housework means he has to do laundry or clean the bathroom just set a good examble for our children by picking up after himself and lending a hand with dinner and clean up. We do yard work as a family, but it is easier for me to just do the majority of the house work. I don't have spotless windows you could probally find a couple of cobwebs on my walls and some dust bunnies under the couch but my house is tidy enough for drop in company which we get alot of







: and safe for my children. I have to really try and not stress over how clean my house is not I can get swept up in the cleaning of it, I think for me it is an escape. I really do love it when my house is clean but my kids have to come first my house will be in need of cleaning forever my kids will be little for just so long


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

I was thinking of this thread today! Dh came home unexpectedly (thank you nasty weather!!!







). We ate dinner and he was going to shovel but instead, I handed him the baby and I did it. Then, with him still playing with kids, I washed the dishes and did laundry. So I guess it looks like I did all the "work" and he did nothing but play with the kids tonight (and I don't mean anything lame like him watching the tube and saying "uh huh" while dd gabs - they actually got on the computer and made a map of the house with visio and then played pirates and buried treasure under the chairs!).

So I started thinking about "fair" division of labor. We all agree that watching kids is work. So why isn't it work when the WOH parent does it? If watching kids is work and housework is work, then we both worked tonight, we just did different work.

And as much as I love and adore my kids and love staying home with them, I have to say 20 minutes shoveling snow in peace and quiet by myself was niiiiiiiiiiiiice


----------



## jogirl (Oct 21, 2002)

I guess I figured it to be part of the deal. Me being home is my contribution to the family and if I can juggle my baby and the housework then when dh gets home we get family time without being hindered by a long "gotta get done" list. I'm not great at the juggle act yet, but I hope to improve as time progresses and eventually strike harmony between motherhood and house duties. I can't wait till my dd can share in the joys of house cleaning (I enjoy a clean house) and learn how to help in ways that are fun







.


----------



## Justice2 (Mar 18, 2003)

I very happily keep our house clean and prepare dh's meals. He has a very tuff job (not that being a mother is EASY - cause it is probably the most demanding and rewarding job on the planet) and I don't expect him to come home after 12 sometimes 16 hours of work and clean house. He comes home, eats and then spends as much time with the kids as he can before he drops into bed exhausted. I also don't ask him to get up with Kaeleb in the middle of the night (during the week). He is the bread winner and his job requires that he drive all day. I would much rather take a nap during the day (if I am tired from being up the night before) than him have an accident (from being too tired from being up the night before).

That being said...weekends are an entire different matter. Not only do I expect him to help with the kids, but also the housework and the yard....hey, I gotta have a break too!!!


----------



## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

If it's good for kids to see their moms doing work around the house (the whole continuum concept thing), why isn't it ok for them to see their dads doing housework, too? Why is it more important for them to have time just playing with Dad when he gets home instead of time together making dinner, setting the table, working in the yard or whatever?

Last night when my partner came home, he and Jackson went outside to water the new grass seed we planted over the weekend. Then, they pulled a few weeds. Then Daddy made dinner while Jack and I played in the kitchen and kept him company. My partner would prefer time like this than time just 'playing', but that's just us.

Can we just agree that we all do what works best for our families? And that if we are doing what works best for our families nobody is being neglected or short-changed or over-worked?


----------



## simple gifts (Feb 27, 2003)

Quote:

_Originally posted by tara_
Can we just agree that we all do what works best for our families? And that if we are doing what works best for our families nobody is being neglected or short-changed or over-worked?
I just want to say that I thought that was what we were doing. I certainly don't mean that because my family does things a certain way that every family should do them that way.

The question was asked and the opinions given. No dictates here.

And to answer your question, in the course of living life, my children do see their father doing things around the house. He cleans up the bathroom after he gives them a bath, he helps clean up the kitchen lots of nights. He always helps them pick up their own things before bed. As I said before, I have a grown dd who is 24, and two teenage daughters, besides my littler guys. Not one of those older girls thinks only women should clean, nor that daddies only "play.









Still, we both want him to have one on one time with them without having his attention divided. That doesn't always mean "play" in our definition. He reads to them, he talks to them, he helps with homework, and sometimes they help him do things. Lots of times they do "play" I guess, if reading and computer games are play. But he can't spend that time one on one relating to them on their level while he's mopping.

When I clean, the kids are around, sometimes talking, sometimes helping, sometimes playing on their own. During the day I make sure I spend time focusing on each of them, reading a book, playing tea party or pretend, or just cuddling. DH just doesn't have enough hours at night to do both cleaning and cuddling, and cuddling comes first for our family.

Again, this is our family. No soapboxing here.







Every family is different.


----------



## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

If I were a SAHM, I would absolutely consider the housework as part of my job. Dh is a teacher and is home during the summer and on school vacations. I won't say he gets a ton of housework done, but he does make an effort, and he gets dinner started.

My feeling is that we both have an obligation to contribute at least 40 hours a week to the running of the family, whether that be through working outside the home or otherwise. I, personally, don't think that I'd be living up to my part of the deal if I were spending the entire time playing with the kids. This is my opinon about my family--I'm not saying anything about anybody else's family.

When I am home during the day with the kids I do try to get some housework done. I try to find ways to have them entertain themselves for some of the time. Of course, I never get done anywhere near as much as I plan to do...

I have a SIL who really does think that her job is to play with the kids all day and not do any housework at all. Her house is filthy beyond belief--not just messy, but unspeakably dirty. They are quite well to do. Her dh has tried to hire cleaning help for her many times but they won't come back after the first time. He works very long hours and doesn't clean either. If it works for them, that's fine with me, but I couldn't live like that.


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

Quote:

_Originally posted by mothersong_
*When I clean, the kids are around, sometimes talking, sometimes helping, sometimes playing on their own. During the day I make sure I spend time focusing on each of them, reading a book, playing tea party or pretend, or just cuddling. DH just doesn't have enough hours at night to do both cleaning and cuddling, and cuddling comes first for our family.*
This is what I think too. As the SAHP I am with my kids 24/7. I don't need (nor do I believe it would be good!) to spend every minute focused on the kids. We get quality *and* quantity time. Because I'm with them all day, we have plenty of time for cuddles, reading, computer games, playing AND cooking, sweeping, vacuuming, grocery shopping, etc. During the week, dh just doesn't get a lot of time with them so he has to focus on quality. For the few hours he is home and awake each night I would rather he actually does kid things they want to do and give them focused attention.

When he does do housework it's on the weekends and even then Bridget usually helps him. I also agree kids need to see their PARENTS keep house, not just the SAHP. But I want my kids to grow up learning how to keep house too and for me, that means I want to teach them to do daily maintenence. Because of that I'm not willing to put it off til the weekends just so dh will be here. Anyway, IMO there is always *something* to be done around this old place, I don't have to put off chores just to find something for dh to do :LOL (I wish!!!) This weekend the plan is to clean the garage and do yardwork (if the weather cooperates). And, as usual, dh will do a lot of cooking on the weekend just because he's good at it









I also think that we're just sharing ideas here! I hope no one is getting offended. I also don't mean to tell anyone what to do, but I am sharing my opinions as asked, that's all


----------



## ShannonCC (Apr 11, 2002)

I do just have to add something! All of this is out the window when I have an infant







: I have only started keeping up on the house since my baby started crawling. Now he's walking







so he enjoys walking around the house after his sister a lot! But when I have a newborn or non-mobile infant, I just let the place go.


----------



## tara (Jan 29, 2002)

Quote:

I just want to say that I thought that was what we were doing. I certainly don't mean that because my family does things a certain way that every family should do them that way.

The question was asked and the opinions given. No dictates here.
I don't think anyone has dictated, but I've seen a lot of inference here that if we split housework 50/50, either we are taking advantage of our spouses by playing all day when we could be cleaning (yes, even though we have repeated ad nauseum that we're not playing all day I've still read that!) or the WOHP isn't getting 'quality' time with the children because s/he has to come home and clean. Or, the children aren't getting an opportunity to learn about housekeeping skills.

And, I suppose that those of you who do most or all of the housekeeping might feel that assumptions have been made about your household, too (like that you aren't spending _enough_ time playing, or that you aren't expecting enough of your partner, or maybe even that you aren't liberated enough)!

So, my point was that if we have agreements about household chores that work for our families, that's all that counts. Nobody is getting short-changed or over-worked if they have happily agreed to do it.


----------



## yogamama (Nov 19, 2001)

I guess it all depends:

Who likes to do which chores?
How many hours does each parent work outside the home?
How old are the kids?
What are your standards of "clean"?

Right now I'm an at home parent to a 3 year old and I'm 8 months pregnant. I am doing most of the cooking and cleaning, my husband does the finances (I did them for 6 years and hated doing it) and does major projects around the house (pulling carpet, installing the new computer, painting). I really hate this gender role division of labor - but it actually sort of came because I was sick of doing the finances and I can't do major home repairs. And I am at home and can do laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning...

My major complaint right now is that I tend to do all of the routine, thankless jobs (pick up crap, cook, do dishes) and my husband does the jobs that don't take as much time but have great "accomplishment value". For instance, this evening I made dinner and did the dishes. Including eating, this was a 2 hour project. And my husband actually DID thank me.

But my husband installed some new software on the computer - it took him 15 minutes and he was SO pleased with himself. He also does major projects on the weekend and gets such a rush. "Look - I painted this room!" And I fuss about what a great job he did. But I don't feel a rush of accomlishment about doing laundry. I felt that what I do is so mundane and I felt no real sense of accomplishment and it just needs to be done again tomorrow. Ugh.

I worked full time outside of the house until our first child was 2 years old and I was nursing all night and pumping by day. My husband and I definately shared housework more then - but we also never had time to do special projects and now we are finally getting things done that we have wanted to do. Right now I'm glad to be at home, but I do hate the tediousness of daily chores.

I understand what Ocean wrote - a parent who is bringing the income into the household and is away from a child NEEDS time with the child. If my husband were the at home parent I would be VERY RESENTFUL if he didn't manage to keep the house at some minimal level of acceptable. So, from that perspective I see it as the at home parent's responsibiltiy to manage day to day household chores. But do I enjoy it? Not really...

Tonight I was angry that I was cooking and cleaning and not feeling that I was accomplishing much. I left bath, pjs, etc to my husband and went to the store by myself. Sometimes just doing an errand or household task ALONE is all that I request. I have asked my husband to take our 3 year old out someplace so that I can wash the floor or something and that strikes me as a bit bizarre - but that way I get something accomplished (and get some alone time) and they get time together. So, I guess it works for us.

For us, I know it won't be this way forever. In a few months I will have a newborn and I won't do much cooking or cleaning. When we have older kids they will be expected to contribute at an age appropriate level (well, the 3 year old already does). When I go back to school or work I think I will consider hiring cleaning help... but for now I do most of the daily routine tasks. Ugh. Anybody have ideas to make those routine chores less boring and more fulfilling??? That is what I would like to know...

Kathleen


----------

