# I am voluntarily miscarrying my baby now. :( Please advise....LONG



## BlueEyesGraySkies (May 24, 2004)

Hello ladies. I have been on this board for about 3 years under a diff. name. I don't want anyone who "knows" me to know about this situation, and also I want to let it all out and not feel like i'm censoring myself, so I've decided to do this somewhat annonymously by making a new username....

Here's my story:

My partner and I are no longer "together". Well, on Mothers Day, we had a temporary (UNPLANNED) lapse in judgement and slept together. My period was due in about a week-so I didn't worry much.

Well, it didn't come, but still no worries, cuz it's not very regular anyway. So two sore breasts, 3 days of non-stop peeing, 5 dizzy spells and countless nausea later-I'm still in denial.

Also-we had sex 2 and a half months ago when we were together (unprotected-things were stable then and hey-if we got pg, we got pg, it's fate....world of diff. now), and my period after that was light and lasted 5 days (usually it's MUCH long, heavier, and painful).....

So to stop my x from worrying-I told him I'd take a test (this morning-6am) which came out faint, but deff. positive. I was freaking out because I do not want a baby right now-finances are HORRIBLE, i have health problems, I'm already a single mom to one, etc etc etc. Plus my x is flipping out, about how this sh*t always happens to him, his luck is so horrible, his life is so bad, blah blah blah....

So I thought about it, and realized how unfair it would be to EVERYONE (my 5yo dc, the unborn baby, my x and myself) for this pregnancy to go through. I sat in my bed, meditated, placed my hand on my belly and told the baby
"I love you so much, but I'm not ready for you yet. I want things to be so good for you, and I promise they will be if you come back another time. You can't stay right now. Please understand that I love you, and I'll miss you, and I'll count the days till we can meet in the future, but right now you can't stay. Please do not be mad at me. I love you."

I kept repeating this all morning, rubbing my belly and explaining this to my dear, precious baby, while considering a medical abortion (where you take the pills-RU486) if the pregnancy was a result of the May sex and wondering what I would do (not abort!) if this was a 3 month old fetus. Well, about 2 hours ago, I spotted light pink discharge, then an hour ago I began cramping, and now there is darker, rust-colored blood-enough to wear a small pad. I haven't confirmed this medically, but I know what's what. The cramping is getting worse as I type, and I know what a miscarriage is like.

I am so sad. Please believe me-I really do love this baby, but I'm this close to being evicted from my home, and even closer to getting food stamps just to get by. I hate that I had to do this, but what else could I do. I really want to believe that my baby understands and will return when everyone is ready (I wholeheartedly believe in spirit babies)....I'm just so scared that she thinks I hate her, or that she wasn't "wanted" per se. She is wanted-but my current (and potentially future) situation is not.

I don't know what I'm asking for here....support I guess. If the mod needs to move this somewhere else, please do.... I just don't want to get flamed by all of the mothers who did wish to carry to term and are mad at me. I know I brought this upon myself, so please don't tell me this.

I'm also afraid also that I will not be blessed with anymore children in the future as a punishment for basically maybe killing this one (if I'm wrong about spirit babies, and this one is just dead).....I'm afraid that this will not be just "cells" coming out of my body, but may be a formed baby (if I am 2and a half-3 mos, not 3 weeks like I'm guessing/hoping).

I believe in Karma, and I don't want to get punnished, but feel as if I may deserve to be. It's not like I didn't know I was pg, had some drinks, and then miscarried....I pretty much told my baby to die......Is this as bad as going to a clinic and getting an abortion (BTW-I am pro-choice)???

I just don't know what else to do....I have my hand on my belly, and I keep telling her that I love her and will not forget her and I will miss her, begging her to come back one day....I don't want her to hate me....I don't know what else to do. (please don't think I'm dilusional--I am speaking in a spiritual sense)

I'm going to go drink tea, lie down, and talk somemore to my precious baby...

-Me

ps-I plan on getting medical attention if I feel I bleed too much, also I'm going to see an MD that I trust very much and he has access to a sonogram machine and can double check that I don';t need any treatments.....


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## Emmama (Jan 21, 2004)

I just thought you might need a


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BlueEyesGraySkies*
I don't know what I'm asking for here....support I guess. If the mod needs to move this somewhere else, please do.... I just don't want to get flamed by all of the mothers who did wish to carry to term and are mad at me. I know I brought this upon myself, so please don't tell me this.

I'm also afraid also that I will not be blessed with anymore children in the future as a punishment for basically maybe killing this one (if I'm wrong about spirit babies, and this one is just dead).

First off,







I'm so sorry that you are losing a baby, even if it is the best thing for your situation right now. That doesn't make it any easier.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for. You didn't make the miscarriage occur, at least in my opinion, although we probably don't agree on the subject. I agree in mind over matter to some degree, but it can only go so far. When I started miscarrying, I sat and rubbed my belly and talked to the baby. I told her I really wanted to have her. All I had was light spotting, but I knew it was over and there was nothing I could do about it. I went to the hospital anyway, with some hope, but of course, nothing can be done but let nature take it's course. So I don't think you should feel guilty at all.

I'm sorry that you are losing your baby.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I'm going to be very honest with you and tell you that when I first started reading your post I started to think to myself "You've got to be kidding me- she's planning an abortion and wants support from _us_?" That's me, mom of a 6 month old baby in the spirit world (who's also pro-choice), so forgive me for rushing to judgement.

As I read on, I felt compelled to post and express my condolences to you and to let you know that I don't think you did anything to cause the mc.

Quote:

I hate that I had to do this, but what else could I do.
It sounds like just bad timing that you were thinking about aborting and began to miscarry. Can you imagine how many people think and hope to not be pg, and don't miscarry?

I don't know, I just want to let you know that I'm sorry for your loss and the fact that it feels so complicated to you. I hope you feel like you have a right to grieve this loss, even though you didn't feel like it was the right time to have a baby. I pray that you are able to come to some peace with it and that your baby's spirit comes back to you in the future. (((Hugs)))


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## mountain mom (Nov 6, 2003)

BlueEyesGraySkies said:


> I believe in Karma, and I don't want to get punnished, but feel as if I may deserve to be. It's not like I didn't know I was pg, had some drinks, and then miscarried....I pretty much told my baby to die......Is this as bad as going to a clinic and getting an abortion (BTW-I am pro-choice)???
> 
> 
> > I think you are very concerned regarding regret....no flames here by the way....this is the only part of you post that raised a red flag for me. If you are pro-choice then why would choosing the route of the clinic be bad? You obviously have a strong mind body connection, stronger than most and you are making a choice based on your situation. This is because you are PRO-CHOICE.
> ...


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Quote:

I would hope this doesn't turn into a debate on abortion rights.
Oh goodness no, that's the last thing this mama needs right now.

I only shared my thought pattern because it changed- I got out of my own head and into thinking about this from BEGS's perspective.

I hope that BEGS feels the support that we all offer her.


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## shannon0218 (Oct 10, 2003)

I too think you could probably use a








Things do sound rough in your life. As far as being pro-choice and confused about your feelings, of course you would be. Being pro-choice does not make you anti-life and I truly do not believe there is a harder decision for someone to make.
My guess is that if you have only had sore breasts and frequent urination for a few days and the preg test was only faintly positive that you are indeed only recently pregnant. Please take care of yourself, continue to talk to your baby and tell her how much you love her. Keep yourself hydrated and eat some foods that have lots of iron.
Here's another


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## Debsy (Feb 23, 2004)

I am so sorry...







s Have faith your spirit baby will return to you..







s


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## Pynki (Aug 19, 2002)

When I was young (er) and in a not right relationship I was pg too.. I knew it.. I could just feel it. My period was 2 weeks late..I knew I was pg.. On my way home from the work on my walk home from the bus stop I had a conversation with that baby.. I told it the same things you said.. It isn't the right time.. That the father would someday be a great father, but he wasn't ready now, and I couldn't do it.. It wasn't right for anyone.. I asked that baby to wait.. And when the time was right we would welcome it with open arms..

The next morning I woke up to heavy bleeding and large clots.. I knew I was miscarrying.. it wasn't my 1st miscarraige, but it was the 1st one I felt sorry about, and some how responsible for..

Just as some might say it had no bearing.. I KNOW in my heart that that baby left because I asked it too.. I asked that spirit to leave, and the body couldn't stay with out it.. I never told that man until later.. He asked me why I didn't tell him then.. What good would it have done.. It wouldn't have helped anything..

Now I have 3 lovely boys.. Are any of them that baby.. I don't know... Is the spirit of that baby attached to the previous man, or to me.. Unanswerable questions..

I totally feel for your situation.. I have done the same thing.. I believe as you did, that sometimes you can ask that spirit to leave and it will.. And what happens is the miscarraige..

There is no karma backlash for being honest and loving.. Even in asking someone to leave.. When the time is right you will have more babies.. When a spirit is to come to you to be your baby nothing will stop it.. But sometimes you can both agree that the timing isn't right yet...

Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan







s


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## layla (Jul 2, 2002)




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## ksjhwkr (Apr 1, 2003)




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## Mom2baldie (Oct 29, 2002)

I wanted to send another hug your way.

I dont think you will be punished because you have done NOTHING wrong. I do believe in your baby and your body and think that your theory is right on.

Have you ever heard of a book called Babies Remember Birth? There is a little part at the end about babies that are just coming at a very bad time (among other situations)... The author believes their spirits KNOW and that oftentimes they will do what they need to do to be born at a time when they can be taken care of properly. It was very interesting and I believe this wholeheartedly.

Your baby wont hate you, s/he can feel your love and will come back to you. You have my support and good thoughts. Please let us know how things go with you.


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## Clueless (Jul 25, 2003)

I'm sorry about your situation. Of course you feel awful. That's a terrible load to bear, and it will take some time for it to sink in.

I know that a part of you will always feel responsible, and no matter what any of us say, you will still feel some guilt. But nothing you did caused the miscarriage to happen. Miscarriages are common. They happen to women who want their babies desperately and to women who don't want them. This had nothing to do with any decision you might have made, any thoughts you had, or anything you said. There was nothing you could have done to stop it from happening.

Even if there were something you could have done to avoid it, have faith in the fact that you were thinking about what would be best for everyone involved, including the baby; you were trying hard to do the right thing for your family, to figure out what that would be. In a tough situation, that's all anyone could ask.

I'm sorry that you're even having to think about this.


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## tracymom (Mar 11, 2002)

That's all. You sound like a wonderful person and I don't think you are bad at all. It is always sad, isn't it, even if it's for the best.


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## babycarrier (Apr 2, 2004)

Sending hugs and peaceful thoughts your wayin this difficult time. There is so much love in your post.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

I am sorry that you are going through this right now. You are being held in my heart.


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## wende (Oct 4, 2003)

I have been thinking about you today, I'm about to PM you. Will take a moment though, nak


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## BlueEyesGraySkies (May 24, 2004)

I just wanted to thank EVERYONE for all of their support, I was so blown away by everything....all the love and honesty that you all provided to me.

I'm doing "okay" right now....almost numb. The sad/mad feelings come and go, but the shock and confusion kinda stick around.

I went to the hospital last night because I was feeling dizzy (though not bleeding much), and they confirmed that I am pregnant, and most likely am losing the baby. They did an internal sonogram and were unable to find anything, so based on that and my low hcG levels, this pregnancy would have been at 2 weeks, 3days today, so it was VERY early on, which is helping me cope. The doctors were actually very supportive and kind to my situation (I did not tell them about my ideas, just that it was an "undesirable" pregnancy--their words--but nonetheless, I was still upset about losing it)

As to why I'd feel guilty going to a clinic or obtaining a medical or surgical abortion else-where...yes, I am prochoice, but I never, ever wanted to have to make that choice, nor did I think I'd ever have to.

Thank you all again.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

Blue Eyes Gray Skies-
Thank you for checking in with us. I was thinking about you since you posted yesterday, hoping that you're okay. Try to take care of yourself and know that all the feelings you're having are normal.


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## texcalkas (May 12, 2004)

I am not pro-choice but I have had two miscarriages, two "surprises" and a tubal pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant with baby #2 I didn't want it at all because of the ordeal I had been through with m/c #1. I had trouble from day one and often wished the end would just come so I could feel better. When I heard the heart beat at 13 weeks then saw blood at 16 weeks I felt like I had my very breathe sucked out of me. The baby that passed was most definitely a human and I could barely look at it, there in my hand, for fear that my thoughts had killed it. I thought for the longest time that my fear, paranoia, etc had doomed it.

Also, I've read that the percentage of women who have very early m/c, before they even know they are pregnant, is very high. You just happen to have gotten a positive test and know you are now m/c and not just having a late period.

My heart goes out to you.

Kimberly


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## Devaskyla (Oct 5, 2003)

I too had a miscarriage after thinking that it was a very bad time to be pregnant and being upset about being pregnant. Both dh & I felt very guilty, that our belief that it was a bad time had somehow caused the miscarriage. I believe that it's possible, if the baby's spirit understands that it's a bad time, to "cause" yourself to have a miscarriage. It's impossible to know if what you did was the reason it happened, or if you would have had one anyone, just as we'll never know if our babies choose to leave, to come back to us some other time, or if there was something wrong.

It took me a few months to stop feeling guilty, and when I had another miscarriage, I felt like it was my punishment for not wanting the last babies. I'm starting to feel like now like it was just one of those things, but it's still hard.

I'm sure when the time is right, your spirit baby will come back to you.


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## BlueEyesGraySkies (May 24, 2004)

Again, I want to thank you all....

I'm doing okay right now, last night was horrible-emotionally. I've begun taking blue and black cohosh to aid in the "expulsion" because one of the MDs I saw from the other night told me that there's a chance that some tissue will not leave and I could require a D&C ---WHICH I DO NOT WANT!! So they kinda scared me with that, and I'm also taking DOng Quai (which tastes gross and makes me nauseated and fatigued) for the same reason.

I am so touched by the out-pouring of support from you ladies....it's amazing. I honetly came on here, ready to get flamed (well, maybe not ready, but expecting), and it's been so wonderful that I really do feel as if I don't deserve this. I'm not saying that I feel worthless, just that I'm not sure I deserve this treatment...

Thank you all again and again and again...


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## Bluegrass (Dec 31, 2001)

Hugs to you, mama. I am thinking about you today.
I remember feeling similarly to how you felt. My dh and I had just gotten married, but I knew it was a mistake. I did not ask the baby to leave, I couldn't, and I'm so glad to have him, but I think how things would be different now for myself and my dd. I am still with dh, but don't want to be.

I think if it was your time with this baby, she would have stayed.


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## geekgolightly (Apr 21, 2004)




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## fourgrtkidos (Jan 6, 2004)

I'm wondering if this will get read by you BlueeyesGreyskies..... if you are under your old name again.
I had this exact situation with my second conceived baby.







3/22/95

I missed that baby and grieved for it for years. I had two daughters after that when my dh and I were finally mariied and ready. I knew neither of those babies were the







though. I really felt she was afraid to come back. When I conceived my fourth baby with my new dh I knew it was her. She finally was not afraid to be born to me. I am a christian and so this belief doesn't really mesh with what they teach at church..... but we don't know the mind of God or everything there is in the universe. All I know is what IS REAL to me in my heart and mind..... this is that baby. I don't have the feeling any more that she is missing. Also, she is 16 mos old and bosses her big sisters around like she is the oldest. She is always correcting them. lol. Please pm me if you read this.


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## CookieMonsterMommy (Oct 15, 2002)

Blue Eyes,









I believe in many of the same things as you. Not much to offer, except my love and support. Please feel free to PM me if you need to speak privately.

Best Wishes, Kelly

PS-How are things going with the herbs? from what I understand, incomplete miscarriages are rare for someone who was so recently pregnant....


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## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

There are plenty of women who are horrified at eing pregnan, who beg to lose their babies, who don't peacefully wish their babies goodbye, but drink and somoke and do drugs. ANd their babies live.

You may have wished this baby a farewell, but you didn't cause it's death. You are truly not that powerful or you'd be able to bring back those you loved, or save them from awful fates, right? And you can't, honest.

Give yourself a chance to grieve for this babe, even though you weren't ready to accept it yet. You're guilty of nothing but bad timing.

I'm very sorry for your loss.


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## Peppermint (Feb 12, 2003)

I believe that you are a wonderful mama and that the baby (spirit) could well return to you someday when you are both ready, you have done nothing wrong







.


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