# Girls Only Birthday Party...?



## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

Two of DS's friends have recently had birthday parties (both turning 4 years old) that were "Girls Only" (both tea party theme as well). DS KNEW that these girls had birthdays and they first thing he asks all excited is "Am I invited to the party?"










The first party was back in November and he had a playdate with the girl a day or two after her party, and he saw all of the decorations and such still up. He asked what they were from and the mom said "oh they were from X's birthday". DS left it at that. Then later that night in the shower out of the blue DS says, "mama, why wasn't I invited to X's birthday party at her house?"

I really didn't know what to say other than the truth, which was they decided no boys allowed. Which I think sucks.

Now today he chatted with a friend on the phone and she said "I went to M's birthday party today" Again he wondered why he wasn't invited.

The thing is, he would LOVE to go to a tea party.

So are one gender only parties just the norm at a certain age? Am I in the dark? DS's feeling are so hurt and I don't know how to explain it to him.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Was the second one also a tea party theme?

It could be the parents decided on girls only because they honestly didn't think boys would enjoy a pink, girly, tea partish theme and would feel completely out of place at such a thing. The idea that boys don't do girl themes is still pretty common.

Thats just my guess though.


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## sunflowers (Sep 24, 2006)

It does suck and I'm sorry your DS is hurt









I'm not sure what I would do if dd wanted a girls only party. On one hand, it's her party, OTOH, it's an opportunity to teach her about inclusion and friendship.

I hope I do a good job in teaching those values so this situation won't happen for us(at least not until she's old enough to have sleepovers! I don't know if I'd feel so inclined to preach inclusion of boys at that point!). But I really don't know what I'd tell her if she did express she wanted only girls or only boys at one of her parties...


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## TefferTWH (May 13, 2008)

I think you can't get too upset about silly parenting ideas others have (even if they are as hurtful as not including a child because of gender), but I certainly would make sure to explain that to my son. Personally, I'm NOT having any of that nonsense for either of my kids. Friends are friends and excluding them is just mean.


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## LuckyMommaToo (Aug 14, 2003)

This is starting to be pretty common for the 5 y.o. parties around us. I guess it doesn't bother me. There are two pre-K classes at DS's school -- they are together a lot. 28 kids total. Too many for most parties. So the easiest, obvious division is by gender.

I agree it isn't perfect, but I do understand it, I guess. We'll probably be doing it next year. Sorry your DS had his feelings hurt, though.
-e


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i think it sucks! i always had boy girl parties .. until i was in like 4th grade and wanted a sleep over.

they were wild and crazy kids themed ... lol... my parents were great about that. plus it was an invite the whole class thing. i don't get why you would have play dates with boys but not invite them to birthday parties

i do agree with MD that maybe it was the tea party thing.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

I have no idea if it was the parents or the kids who decided about the girls only idea. I suspect it was the parents, but who knows really.

I am not sure WHAT to say to my son. I sort of fumbled around it really. Would you say, "it was a girls only party" and if he says "WHY" then what?









or...?


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

A lot of people around here have single-gender parties as a fairly simple way to limit the guest list. Some kids really do better with small parties, and if they have more friends they want to invite than they can really handle having together all at once, limiting it to one gender keeps the party small and enjoyable.

I don't think it has much to do with "boys wouldn't like this kind of party" but rather "OK, we've cut down the guest list to girls only, why not pick a girly theme for the party while we're at it."

I would tell a little boy "it was a girls' only party because she has so many friends that she just couldn't invite all of them, and they decided that just inviting the girls seemed the most fair."


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## stik (Dec 3, 2003)

It makes sense to me that parents would select who to invite to a party from among their child's friends and classmates, because it does quickly become cost-prohibitive to invite everyone. Gender is as easy a way to select as anything else, and it avoids long and agonizing discussions about who your child's best friends are, and which ones are closest (which can change on an hourly basis at age 5).

I do think it was rude for a child's parents to leave party decorations up so that a child visiting two days later would know that he had been left out.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

FWIW this isn't about inviting the whole class or not because none of these kids go to school together and many are home schooled. They know each other from LLL and just having grown up together thus far really. But DS does not go to school with either girl...

I understand about big parties being too much. I have already started my campaign to convince DS to have a birthday camping trip (with DH and I and one other family) rather than a party. But I would have never thought of using gender to make the party smaller. I guess I am naive, but I think that's really messed up at THIS age.


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## EviesMom (Nov 30, 2004)

We had a weaning tea party recently and the guest list was 3 girls plus DD, and their mothers. They're all close friends, all knew DD nursed until recently, the 1 girl DD wanted to invite from school I knew the mom would flip about it being related to extended nursing so I talked her out of that one.

I wouldn't have talked her out of inviting any boys except for non-nursing-friendly-family reasons, but her best friends right now are girls. Last year she had 2 boys and 1 girl as her "bestest friends," but even though 1 of those boys is still in preschool with her, and they play together, and the other is in her dance class, she's girl focused this year. I would have just told her boy friends if they asked that she had had a very very small party just for 2-3 friends.

She expressly did not want little brothers there, both hers and her best friend's. I think there can be an age where they're trying to figure out what it means specifically to be a girl in their culture, and it may require some space to do so.

I think you can tell your son that his friend decided to have a girl's only party, and why you can just say you don't know, some people like to do that. Even that some of his friends will probably decide to have boy's only parties, and some invite just a friend or two for small parties, and some invite lots for big big parties.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

I really see nothing wrong with have a girly themed party and inviting your girl friends nor do I see it as problematic to have a boy themed party and invite only boys.

I think it's ok for our kids to learn that we don't always get invited to all the parties. That sometimes, for whatever reason, people decide to only have girls or only a few very close friends or whatever.

My kids don't get invited to all the birthday parties and if their feelings are hurt, I just explain to them that sometimes that happens. It does't mean the person doesn't like them or doesn't want to be their friend, just sometimes only certain people are invited. Not a big deal.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
Do I say "because they are narrow minded"







:

I definitely would not tell my child this - in all honesty you have no idea why the guest list was limited to just girls, may have been they had to limit the number of guests due to cost issues, maybe their daughter just wanted to have her girl friends over for a tea party. Just because they had a girls only partry does not mean that they are narrow minded.


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

I think it's pretty common, although not something I like at all. However, it does seem weird for a little girl who has male friends to want a party without them . . . I could see if he was just in her class or something, but not if they actively have playdates and are friends.

I don't think there's really anything you can say to him to make it better . . . just give him hugs and tell him you're sorry he's hurting.


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## Dandelionkid (Mar 6, 2007)

My dd keeps insisting she wants girls and boys at her parties. I guess I need to leave it at that! I have suggested girls-only before because it would be calmer for me- she only has 4-5 little girl friends and I would love to have a less chaotic party but I guess I need to get over this. Good thread.


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
A lot of people around here have single-gender parties as a fairly simple way to limit the guest list. Some kids really do better with small parties, and if they have more friends they want to invite than they can really handle having together all at once, limiting it to one gender keeps the party small and enjoyable.

I don't think it has much to do with "boys wouldn't like this kind of party" but rather "OK, we've cut down the guest list to girls only, why not pick a girly theme for the party while we're at it."

I would tell a little boy "it was a girls' only party because she has so many friends that she just couldn't invite all of them, and they decided that just inviting the girls seemed the most fair."









:

I think also people are trying to be more sensitive (ie: not invite 10 out of 15 kids) so an easier way to not hurt feelings is just to say we are inviting girls / boys only.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

This is something that all of my children have gone through.







It's really hard when your child isn't invited to someone's birthday party - at any age. It's happened to my children at various times over the years.

The worst for mine was when my DD was 4 and her 'old' church friend was turning 6 and had a party and didn't invite our DD. We went to church the day after her party and everyone was talking about how wonderful her b-day party was and I felt like crying for my DD because she had no idea. Thank goodness, she was young enough not to notice at the time what they were talking about. I never approached the mother on this and wish I would have. This is a woman I had known for years because we both had older children that knew one another a long time and we all attended the same church forever it seemed.







Not to mention our DDs were in the same sunday class for over two years together and she invited all the other kids but my DD.









It saddened me at the time and hardened me up to this type of thing as well. People are inconsiderate and mean, even parents. But my kids have gone to some awesome parties over the years when invited by real friends and classmates.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

But yeah, to answer your original question, I have seen more same sex birthday parties than I have mixed parties since my kids all hit 4/5 years old. My DD hasn't been to a boy/girl b-day party since she was 4. I also think the same sex parties are a lot more common with girls.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *TCMoulton* 
I definitely would not tell my child this - in all honesty you have no idea why the guest list was limited to just girls, may have been they had to limit the number of guests due to cost issues, maybe their daughter just wanted to have her girl friends over for a tea party. Just because they had a girls only partry does not mean that they are narrow minded.

I was being snarky, I wouldn't really say this.

Thanks for all of the responses. I guess I have never heard of a same sex only party before except when kids are MUCH older. So this hit me as a surprise and I found it kind of stupid. But it seems from the responses here I guess it's normal.

who knew?


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

We've never done girl-only parties, although most parties here are gender-specific, for either only boys or only girls, and that started at 4. It's mostly done to keep the list shorter. I'm actually considering it this time because my daughter has a ton of friends and the economy is bad and we're having a new baby and I need to cut corners. 10 girls or 20 kids. I can afford 10 girls better. There is no other good way to cut back on the list - she has lots of friends of both genders she plays with regularly.

Many of her close friends have had boy-only parties and she's never been bothered by it, even at 4. She'd tell me, "He's having a boy-only party so I'm not going" and she'd seem to be fine with that as an explanation. Maybe just because it's so normal here that it doesn't strike her as odd.

I guess overall I do think it's too bad but I understand the reason well enough that I'm considering it.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

We've done both boy-girl and just girl parties. Often it is to keep the party smaller (to save my sanity), but also my dd1 has just wanted girls the past few years. Now, her closest friends at this point in time are girls so it makes sense. In past years she has had some boy friends (we would go to playdates at each others houses), but right now it's just girls. (Those boys go to different schools, etc.) There are even only girls her age in our neighborhood.

My dd2 just had her party and she did invite one boy. She invited 6 girls, but just 4 came. I was glad of that. I just can't mentally handle a party much bigger than that, plus in winter we need to have it indoors and my girls want to have them at our house so far. Basically she had all kids who she has playdates with outside of school, etc, except for the boy. She just likes him and sees him only at school.

So if we had been friends with your boy we would have invited him, but gender segregated parties are a _very_ common thing from about 4 on up, really. That's the age you really start to see self segregation on the playground at school with girls playing with girls and boys with boys. There are often a few crossovers, but it's a pretty obvious split. We've been to many girls only parties.

As far as what to tell him I guess I would tell him they probably wanted to keep the party small and/or they weren't sure he would like tea party stuff, but I would emphasize that they do like him as evidenced by the play dates, etc.


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## gingerstar (Jun 10, 2005)

I have to honestly say I have never thought about it like this.

I have three girls, and I do our parties at home - so I do limit the guest list. Usually I say they can invite as many people as the age they are turning - that makes it manageable (usually... my eldest's 9th was _not_!) And my daughters have never, not once, put a boy on the list. So we have always had girl-only parties, and I never stopped and wondered how the little boys might have felt. If they were hurt, I am sorry.
Now, I did make an exception to the rule last spring, when my middle daughter turned 7, since to invite 7 girls would have meant two girls in her class being left out, so I let her invite all the girls (although not all came) but again, I never thought about boys feeling left out, and to be honest, I am just not capable of throwing a party at home for 20 1st grade children, and I cannot afford to go to like Chuck E Cheese (and not sure I would do it if I could!).

And my eldest has been invited to two boys b-day parties, both invited the whole class - she went to one but not the other. My middle DD was invited to one boy's party, in preschool, again the whole class.

So please don't judge this other mother harshly - perhaps she is as clueless about your son's feeling left out as I seem to be.

ETA: I think mamazee is right - it must be common here. When I remember growing up, my parties were girls only in grade school, and I mostly went to girls' parties, unless it was the whole class.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

I guess part of the reason this hit me as a surprise is because MOST of DS's friends are girls. He has 2 good boy friends and 7 or so girlfriends.









I also find it ironic how people like to preach about gender equality and then do things like have boy only/ girl only parties. I think that sends mixed message to kids.

And again, this had nothing to do with inviting "the class" -- these kids are either not in school or had a mix of kids - some from preschool and some from neighborhood and some from just being friends... you get the idea.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Having a same sex party has absolutely nothing to do with gender equality.

I'm sorry your son was hurt but seriously, it's the parent and the birthday child's right to have the kind of party they want to have.

A really good friend of my DD's is a boy. They've been together since preschool - moved to two different schools together so they know each other well. They play on the playground every day. He choose to have a karate party at the place where he takes karate classes. DD wasn't invited and was thrilled. It was not something she would have wanted to do.

I get that your son would have wanted to go to the tea party but, I think it's a pretty safe assumption that most boys would not. So, having a tea party birthday theme and inviting only girls is not really all that "out there". Nor is it "stupid" as you had said. It happens and will most likely continue to happen throughout his life and it has absolutely nothing to do with sexism or equality.

Honestly, I'm shocked that you are so overtly angry about this child's birthday party. She's a little girl who wanted a tea party. That is her right. It's also her right to just invite her girlfriends. Maybe rather than be so angry at them, you could use it as a teaching experience for your child. Unfortunately, that's life. We are not always invited to everything. It's not a reflection of our self worth, it just happens that way sometimes.


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## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

My DD just turned 5 & we had a tea party for her that ended up being only girls. I didn't plan on specifically eliminating boys ( I have a DS too) but as I planned the things we were going to do at the party (make a garden hat, look for pearls, a purse, lace gloves) it became obvious that these were things I knew girls would love; boys not so much. I personally wasn't going to rearrange or do something specifically for boys (it would've involved even more work than I was already putting in. Your son may have enjoyed these activities but most of ours wouldn't have). So it turned out to be a girls tea party.

Did this mother preach gender equality to you & then dis your son to the party or is it the overall sentiment of preaching gender equality that bothers you?

I'm sorry your sons feelings were hurt. As a parent who recently had just such party, it wasn't mean spirited to leave out boys or even intended at first. It evolved that way, due to limits on party size, cost & overall plans.
We did what my DD wanted & to me that was most important.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

The "girls only" thing really makes my ds sad, too. Fortunately we haven't run into it for things like parties, just kids being exclusionary at playgrounds. I do think age 4 and 5 are a particularly bad time to introduce the concept. I don't think my ds would be as upset now, at age 7. He did go to an all boys party for the first time recently. And he was the only boy at a girl's party recently.


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## OakBerry (May 24, 2005)

My ds is friends with the girl down the street, she is 2 years older. They are not very close, they play occasionally, and sometimes I get her on the bus in the morning as a favor to her mom.

We have never been invited to any of her parties. I don't know whether they are girl only, or that the mom only invites her close friends or what.
Ds is a bit offended by it, but I explained to him that some people have just family or just best friends only, or girls only.

My ds would enjoy a "girly" party, he's been to a horseback riding party with a princess theme and loved it, but I know for a fact that many of his friends would not, nor would his cousins. His cousin actively encourages him to dislike girls









Anyway, I'm rambling, I think it's their right but I'm sorry your ds was sad. We always do boy and girl parties for ds.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

FWIW I don don't mind if he's not invited to a party in general. That happens. I just find it weird that people make invite lists based on gender rather than who the person is friends with. It seems like a weird line to draw.


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## laura163 (Sep 13, 2002)

When my DS turned 5 we only invited the boys in the class. There were 11
. I couldn't have invited the girls and kept my sanity. As it was, 11 school friend boys + 5 family friend (3 girls/2 boys) was about 5 kids too many.


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## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

Well, we just had our first "girls only" party. The theme ended up being pretty girly, and the guest list was too big, so I was looking for the easiest way to leave somebody out. We are very fond of the little boy who wasn't invited, and had him over to play shortly after the party (but the party decorations weren't out, and my dds know never to talk about a party in front of someone who wasn't invited).







: (for my little guy)

Other years we have had co-ed parties, and it is sometimes more work to come up with alternatives to the girl-oriented crafts and favors for the boys, and trying to ensure that there would be more than one little boy at the party. Maybe you and your little boy wouldn't be uncomfortable with his attending a party where he was the only boy and the activities were all very feminine, but many people would feel differently.

ZM


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## soso-lynn (Dec 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 

Many of her close friends have had boy-only parties and she's never been bothered by it, even at 4. She'd tell me, "He's having a boy-only party so I'm not going" and she'd seem to be fine with that as an explanation. Maybe just because it's so normal here that it doesn't strike her as odd.

I guess you willl also applaud her normalcy when she tells you : "Sports I are for boys, so I will just stay here and learn how to cook." or "Mom, I am a girl, I need to wear make-up to be pretty."

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amcal* 
Having a same sex party has absolutely nothing to do with gender equality.

I get that your son would have wanted to go to the tea party but, I think it's a pretty safe assumption that most boys would not. So, having a tea party birthday theme and inviting only girls is not really all that "out there". Nor is it "stupid" as you had said. It happens and will most likely continue to happen throughout his life and it has absolutely nothing to do with sexism or equality.


So, teaching young children that there is a fundamental difference between boys and girls and that there are things that girls like to do and others that boys like to do has nothing to do with gender equality? I guess I just thought that "separate but equal" had been rejected a long time ago.

OP, perhaps you can invite those kids to a tea party for your son.


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

I agree with Ruthla & amcal. It's not that big of a deal to me.

As adults, there are often parties that are just for women or just for guys. Jewelery parties, or "drink beer and watch the game" gatherings - that kind of thing. I think it's reasonable for kids to want the same kind of thing sometimes.


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *zeldamomma* 
Well, we just had our first "girls only" party. The theme ended up being pretty girly, and the guest list was too big, so I was looking for the easiest way to leave somebody out. We are very fond of the little boy who wasn't invited, and had him over to play shortly after the party (but the party decorations weren't out, and my dds know never to talk about a party in front of someone who wasn't invited).







: (for my little guy)

Other years we have had co-ed parties, and it is sometimes more work to come up with alternatives to the girl-oriented crafts and favors for the boys, and trying to ensure that there would be more than one little boy at the party. Maybe you and your little boy wouldn't be uncomfortable with his attending a party where he was the only boy and the activities were all very feminine, but many people would feel differently.

ZM


I agree. And while there are some boys who would like tea parties, almost all of the little boys we have met would not have wanted to attend one. When dd was in school we had a birthday party that ended up being all girls (my mom threw it, which was a nightmare in a way, but that's another story). It was tea party themed with dress up, "girly" crafts, etc. We also really had to limit the number of guests, though I will say not all the girls in her class got invited (she had a large class), but it was all girls.
I think all girl/boys parties are fine. We prefer boy/girl parties but not every kids is the same way and while I think it should be encouraged to included both, I wouldn't force a child either.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *soso-lynn* 
I guess you willl also applaud her normalcy when she tells you : "Sports I are for boys, so I will just stay here and learn how to cook." or "Mom, I am a girl, I need to wear make-up to be pretty."

So, teaching young children that there is a fundamental difference between boys and girls and that there are things that girls like to do and others that boys like to do has nothing to do with gender equality? I guess I just thought that "separate but equal" had been rejected a long time ago.
.

Wow, that's a huge stretch.

Having a girls only or boys only party has absolutely nothing to do with equality. You're not saying that boys are "less than" or that girls are "less than" so they aren't invited - that would be an equality issue.

These are kids who wanted to have a theme birthday. I can't imagine thinking my kid is so special that they party thrower needs to make special arrangements for my kid.

Again, I'm sorry if kids are hurt by not being invited but seriously, rather than slamming the party thrower, how about teaching your child a valuable lesson? That we aren't always invited to everything and it's really not that big of a deal. It's not a reflection on our self worth, it's just a one time party for girls or boys only. It doesn't mean they're not a special friend, it doesn't mean they're not important but, for this one particular event, they weren't invited.

I just don't get the sense of entitlement. That your child should be invited - no matter what - no matter the theme or event. Your child should be invited. Yeah, I don't get that.


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## kamilla626 (Mar 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *soso-lynn* 
So, teaching young children that there is a fundamental difference between boys and girls and that there are things that girls like to do and others that boys like to do has nothing to do with gender equality? I guess I just thought that "separate but equal" had been rejected a long time ago.

OP, perhaps you can invite those kids to a tea party for your son.

Haven't you ever gotten together with a group of friends that were all women?


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kamilla626* 
Haven't you ever gotten together with a group of friends that were all women?

I have done get together of "primary parent". DS has 2 friends who have stay at home dads. If we did a "moms night out" -- that would be crappy for these two guys who deserve a night off too. We always include them. I guess I have always been blessed with a strong co-ed group of friends. From childhood into married adulthood I have close male friends.

And by the way, what is a "girl craft?"


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Some "girl crafts" my girls have done at all girl parties include making and decorating tutus, decorating jewelry boxes, decorating tiaras, making foam purses and making hair bows/decorating headbands.

And, again, I think you're the exception rather than the rule. Everyone I know gets together with their girlfriends or their guy friends. I think it's a good and healthy thing to do. Sure, we do couple things as well but, getting together with just your girl or guy friends is different - there is a different level of bonding and intimacy that has nothing to do with equality.


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## soso-lynn (Dec 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amcal* 
Wow, that's a huge stretch.

Having a girls only or boys only party has absolutely nothing to do with equality. You're not saying that boys are "less than" or that girls are "less than" so they aren't invited - that would be an equality issue.

These are kids who wanted to have a theme birthday. I can't imagine thinking my kid is so special that they party thrower needs to make special arrangements for my kid.

Again, I'm sorry if kids are hurt by not being invited but seriously, rather than slamming the party thrower, how about teaching your child a valuable lesson? That we aren't always invited to everything and it's really not that big of a deal. It's not a reflection on our self worth, it's just a one time party for girls or boys only. It doesn't mean they're not a special friend, it doesn't mean they're not important but, for this one particular event, they weren't invited.

I just don't get the sense of entitlement. That your child should be invited - no matter what - no matter the theme or event. Your child should be invited. Yeah, I don't get that.

You are completely missing the point. The "separate but equal" comment refers to when racist white people were arguing for separate schools for blacks and whites. They said in was not discrimination, it was equal. Just like what you are saying now abot little boys and girls. Segregation is never equal.
The very fact that you want to see certain activities as for girls and others for boys is discrimination. The only reason a 4 year old boy would not want to do a tea party would be because his parents have been working hard to engrain masculinity and the gender binary in them. If you are not living in a world bent on upholding gender differences, there is no need to make any special arrangements for kids of any gender.
How can a 4 year old even have a concept of gender if it does not come from his parents and society's enforcement of gender roles?
The only logical way to get rid of gender discrimination is to get rid of the whole concept of gender, especially with young children.
Seriously, how do you not see that telling a boy that he would not like a tea party because he is not a girl is the exact same thing as telling a girl that she should not do karate because it is for boys or that she should try to make herself attractive to boys.
In this day and age, I find such opinions very scary.


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## soso-lynn (Dec 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kamilla626* 
Haven't you ever gotten together with a group of friends that were all women?

Not as a rule. It may happen that way out of pure randomness but never on purpose.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

This is such a stretch I don't even know where to begin.

No one is saying a boy can't enjoy a tea party or that a girl should not do karate. Where in the world did you get that? I said my DD would not enjoy a karate party. And, that's her right.

All that was said is that for this one 2 hour time period there is going to be a party for just girls. That's it. No huge societal implications. Just one little party.

The little boy in question is certainly welcome to invite anyone he wants over for a tea party. But, to have such a sense of entitlement to be outraged and assume that he should be invited to the party, no matter what, is what my issue is. This little girl and her family have the right to have whatever party they want, to invite who ever they want. It has nothing to do with equality.


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## woodchick (Jan 5, 2007)

One thought that I have is that although these two girls are some of your DS's best friends, maybe he is lower on their list than they are on his. y'know? I know I've had friends that I felt were very close to me that had other friends that were closer to them.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

My daughter would love a karate party, but if it were a boy party she wouldn't get invited, and she's never gotten bent out of shape over not getting invited to a party either.

There's a real sense of entitlement here. No one is entitled to go to any party.


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## 5796 (Oct 19, 2002)

We have had all boy parties. Not that we were doing anything that special but sometimes the energy of the boys just needs to be with boys. the zooming is so strong....sigh.

we have some girl twins at our school and they had a girl party that just was the talk of the whole class. DS didn't give two shakes about it.

I think it really is all about the kid. Some care some don't...and mothering those differences is tricky. hugs!


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## fireant (Jan 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amcal* 
This is such a stretch I don't even know where to begin.

No one is saying a boy can't enjoy a tea party or that a girl should not do karate. Where in the world did you get that? I said my DD would not enjoy a karate party. And, that's her right.

All that was said is that for this one 2 hour time period there is going to be a party for just girls. That's it. No huge societal implications. Just one little party.

The little boy in question is certainly welcome to invite anyone he wants over for a tea party. But, to have such a sense of entitlement to be outraged and assume that he should be invited to the party, no matter what, is what my issue is. This little girl and her family have the right to have whatever party they want, to invite who ever they want. It has nothing to do with equality.

Agreed.

Even if it was a trucks and monsters party it could still be girl only. Regardless of theme it can be one sex only.

I go to the Michigan Womyn Music Festival in August. It's a women only space. I also support equal rights. Defining a space doesn't have anything to do with equal rights.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *soso-lynn* 
Not as a rule. It may happen that way out of pure randomness but never on purpose.


You've never gone on a girls night out? While I might not do it often there is something wonderfully relaxing to hang out for an afternoon/evening with just my sisters or girlfriends - has nothing to do with discrimination and everything to do with wanting to share some special time with the women I am closest to in my life. Last night my sisters, mom, cousin and I went to see Wicked. On the car ride home we laughed and talked about stuff that we would have never talked about in front of our spouses. Doesn't mean that we don't love them, just that we wanted a night with just the girls and we had a fabulous time!

Honestly, I don't understand what is wrong with inviting just boys or just girls to a party - in many cases the host does not have the ability to invite unlimited guests and choosing only boys/girls seems to be a safe way to hurt as few of feelings as possible.


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## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *soso-lynn* 
You are completely missing the point.

No I believe you are.

Quote:

Segregation is never equal
.
This is NOT segregation. It's a flippin' child b-day party where they had a theme.

Quote:

The very fact that you want to see certain activities as for girls and others for boys is discrimination.
She didn't say that. Maybe your DS would LOVE the activities at a tea party but the fact is, MOST, at least the ones we know, would not. Doesn't mean these ARE girl crafts, but most girls like to do them & of course some do not.

Quote:

The only reason a 4 year old boy would not want to do a tea party would be because his parents have been working hard to engrain masculinity and the gender binary in them
.

Excuse my french but that's Bull crap. Have you ever heard of innate? Someoething someone is just naturally born with. My DS has been given a baby doll, crafts, a tea set, dress up clothes & whatnot & he wants NOTHING to do with them. All he wants are trucks & cars. This is not because we have tried to engrain him with masculinity. On the contrary, we have surrounded him with many different things that would be considered feminine & he also has an older sister who has dolls & such. He wants trucks. It's his own doing.

Quote:

If you are not living in a world bent on upholding gender differences, there is no need to make any special arrangements for kids of any gender.
But the thing is there are gender differences. Like them or not; they exist. Knowing my DD's male friends, I am sure none of them would've been happy to go home with a purse, pearls & lacy gloves.

Quote:

How can a 4 year old even have a concept of gender if it does not come from his parents and society's enforcement of gender roles?
Kids aren't stupid. My DS3 knows he's a boy & his sister is a girl. We don't enforce any gender roles in our home, but my DS is very adamant about the things he does want (trucks) & the things he doesn't (dolls).

Quote:

Seriously, how do you not see that telling a boy that he would not like a tea party because he is not a girl is the exact same thing as telling a girl that she should not do karate because it is for boys or that she should try to make herself attractive to boys.
In this day and age, I find such opinions very scary
Who said to tell the boy he wouldn't like a tea party? And Why is it that having a birthday party has had to become socially acceptable/inclusive to all? Talk about entitlement









My DD has varying levels of friendship with kids. We didn't invite everyone she's ever been or is currently friends with. That's life. Doesn't mean we don't like you; doesn't mean you're a boy & oh can't come. Just means it's our party we can do what we want. It turned out to be all girls. My DD is closer with her girl friends.

And the comment that girls should make themselves attractive to boys doesn't even deserve a response. Whatever.


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## eclipse (Mar 13, 2003)

I'm really suprised that so many people at MDC would be so nonchalant about segregation based on gender. What if someone decided to cut their guest list by inviting only those of a specific ethnicity or religion? And why would gender be any different?


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## Mama Shifra (May 3, 2006)

I am sorry that your son felt excluded.

I happened to have thrown my 8 year old daughter an all girls party this year, but it had more to do with finances than a theme. It was just a regular birthday party with pin the tail on the donkey, ring toss, and concentration as the games and crafts for the other activities. The school rule in her school is that you have to invite everyone in the class for a party, unless you only invite one gender. Since we could not afford to make a party for her whole class (plus we have no room for all of them either--we live in a townhoue), we had to cut the list somewhere.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
I'm really suprised that so many people at MDC would be so nonchalant about segregation based on gender. What if someone decided to cut their guest list by inviting only those of a specific ethnicity or religion? And why would gender be any different?

It would depend upon the intent. If my husband was having a superbowl party with beer and chips and only invited his male friends, that would be fine. If I was having an afternoon tea and only invited my girlfriends, again, fine. But, if we were having a bbq at our house and made the conscious decision to exclude our neighbors because they were hispanic or gay or whatever - it would be completely different.

There are times when it is completely appropriate to tailor your guest list to the type of event you are having and there is nothing segregationist about it.

If I was having a pig roast in my back yard, would it be segregationist to not invite my vegetarian friends? If I was having a religious Christmas celebration, would it be segregationist to not invite my atheist friends?


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
I guess I have never heard of a same sex only party before except when kids are MUCH older. So this hit me as a surprise and I found it kind of stupid. But it seems from the responses here I guess it's normal.

who knew?

I didn't know either.







And I too find it really strange that kids would start segregating themselves by sex at such a young age or that their parents would make a guest list based on the sex of the children.

A couple of weeks ago, my daughter went to the birthday party of a her four year old friend who is a boy. I can't imagine if it had been boy only and I had to tell her she wasn't invited because she's a girl. Yuck! I'm sorry your little boy is confused by this. It stinks!


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## karemore (Oct 7, 2008)

It's just as common around here for kids to have all girl/boy parties or mixed.

We recently went to a Barbie Princess Bday party which was all girls, and next weekend we're going to a Scooby Doo party which is mixed (birthday child is girl).

While DD has both boy and girl friends, we have only ever been invited to girl's parties.

We have another princess BDay party coming up in January.

Sorry your DS's feeling were hurt! It really would have been kinder to take down the decorations before having him over.


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## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
I'm really suprised that so many people at MDC would be so nonchalant about segregation based on gender. What if someone decided to cut their guest list by inviting only those of a specific ethnicity or religion? And why would gender be any different?

It's their party. They can do what they'd like.

I socialize mainly with homeschooling families. We have some public schooled friends that we socialize with but not as frequently as out HD friends. My DD is friendly with her public schooled friends, but closer with her HS friends. So naturally her party would consist of those friends she's closer to: her HS friends. Are we segregating ourselves from PS kids? No. We just happen to spend more time with our HS friends & we like them better. So what.

My DH & I are both physicians. Most of our friends are physicians. When we go to an adult party, guess who's there? Mostly physicians. We have commonality, so we associate with one another. How is this any different?

I hoenstly think some of you are looking at this as black or white with no in between.


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## ZanZansMommy (Nov 8, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amcal* 
It would depend upon the intent. If my husband was having a superbowl party with beer and chips and only invited his male friends, that would be fine. If I was having an afternoon tea and only invited my girlfriends, again, fine. But, if we were having a bbq at our house and made the conscious decision to exclude our neighbors because they were hispanic or gay or whatever - it would be completely different.

There are times when it is completely appropriate to tailor your guest list to the type of event you are having and there is nothing segregationist about it.

If I was having a pig roast in my back yard, would it be segregationist to not invite my vegetarian friends? If I was having a religious Christmas celebration, would it be segregationist to not invite my atheist friends?

Exactly!


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## fireant (Jan 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
I'm really suprised that so many people at MDC would be so nonchalant about segregation based on gender. What if someone decided to cut their guest list by inviting only those of a specific ethnicity or religion? And why would gender be any different?

I support the women of color and the jewish women tent at the Womyn's Fests too. I see nothing wrong in wanting to spend an intimate time with people who share an experience.


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## TCMoulton (Oct 30, 2003)

My daughter was free to invite anyone she wanted to her birthday party - while one of her closest friends at school is a boy she chose to invite only girls as she is having a dress up party and she said that her boy friend doesn't like dress up! Her decision, her birthday - why would I force her to include people at her party just to make sure that no one can accuse me of discrimination.

Calling an all boy or all girl birthday party segregation is ridiculous in comparison to true examples of segregation in our country's history - a little boy not being invited to a princess tea party is not even a blip on the segregation radar in my opinion.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eclipse* 
I'm really suprised that so many people at MDC would be so nonchalant about segregation based on gender. What if someone decided to cut their guest list by inviting only those of a specific ethnicity or religion? And why would gender be any different?

It's just a child's birthday party. It will last a couple of hours and then it's over.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ZanZansMommy*
It's their party. They can do what they'd like.

I agree.


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:

The only reason a 4 year old boy would not want to do a tea party would be because his parents have been working hard to engrain masculinity and the gender binary in them
not at all true. My mother runs a licenced preschool (not day care) out of our home it started when my older brother was 4 and she still does it today. thats at least 30 years of 4 year old boys comming through. While I'm sure some were told at home boys don't play tea or such I guartentee not all did and while yes some loved the dolls and dishes the vast majority did all the preconcieved BOY stuff, they used the ovens as space ships and when playing house wanted to play the role of the dog and, baby strollers turn into race cars ect.

Deanna


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

I'm honestly suprised that people here consider a boy or girl only party as that strange. I know I've seen quite a few posts where a few common suggestions for limiting party sizes concerning entire classrooms is to eaither invite as many guest per age (thats what we did) or eaither all boys or all girls and no one seemed to think those were weird suggestions.


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## l_olive (Jan 18, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kamilla626* 
I agree with Ruthla & amcal. It's not that big of a deal to me.

As adults, there are often parties that are just for women or just for guys. Jewelery parties, or "drink beer and watch the game" gatherings - that kind of thing. I think it's reasonable for kids to want the same kind of thing sometimes.

I'm beginning to see why I never go to parties. I would hate a jewelry party, but the guys do the "boys only " thing and don't invite me to drink beer and watch the game - which I would love!









My son is going to face the same difficulty, I guess. He doesn't enjoy most rough and tumble stuff, so many of his best friends are girls. So, if they all do girls only parties, he'll be excluded by both genders.


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## Kushali (Sep 17, 2006)

Here's another thought, maybe the birthday girl wanted to invite your son but didn't want to invite any other boys. It sounds like your son would be okay with that but a lot of other kids wouldn't and perhaps the family chose not to invite him so he wouldn't be the only boy.

In my mind I don't see this as any different than having a sleep over and only inviting the girls. People may limit the guest list in seemingly arbitrary ways for reasons that have nothing to do with what boys or girls shouldn't do. And that isn't necessarily discrimination.


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## ShwarmaQueen (Mar 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
So are one gender only parties just the norm at a certain age? Am I in the dark? DS's feeling are so hurt and I don't know how to explain it to him.









That must hurt to see him sad. I've only been on the other side of the fence. When DD turned 3, MIL (in n. africa) planned a girls only party. I'm not 100% sure, but it might have been cultural. It would be really hard on me if it were the other way around.


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## boatbaby (Aug 30, 2004)

By the way just to clarify, I don't feel any sense of "entitlement" on this one. Of course people can invite whoever they want to a party. But to me saying "X didn't invite Z because she's not to keen on him anymore" or "because they don't play as much" or just... "just because" makes MUCH more sense than drawing an arbitrary gender line.

One of his BEST boyfriends had a birthday party and only wanted to invite 3 kids from his new preschool. They were "new" friends and he was excited to have them over. He just didn't see the need to have anyone else. No sweat. It's still one of DS's best friends, but that was the boy's choice for the party and mom wanted to keep it small and said only 3 anyhow. No problem.

Again, it's using gender to draw the lines that i think is strange. And because it's something we don't do, I was wondering how to explain something that I essentially think is off.

A few times DS tried pulling the "boys only routine on the playground when creating a fort or something when other kids come around. And for me that is NOT ok and it gets nipped in the bud immediately.

Good debate though, eh?


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## *Erin* (Mar 18, 2002)

i have a dd and a ds and if either one of them ever wanted a single gender party, that'd be just fine with me! i don't see why the hurt feelings? not everyone gets invited to every party all the time. i think if you make a big deal out of it to your child, then it shows them it IS a big deal and they SHOULD feel wretchid. if you are casual, and tell them it's only for girls/boys whatever, then move on, they will too. kids are totally flexible and resiliant-this sort of thing isnt a huge deal.

all this heavy comparison of this type of party situation to racial segregation makes me REALLY uncomfortable and angry. seriously???

what about all-girls' schools? how about the studies that show girls thrive in them? should they be abolished because some boys may be offended?

what is the problem with some separation? i love men dearly, most of my good friends have been men, and i spend almost all my free time with my dh, but i do not want to be with men all the time, i like woman-only time sometimes.

and for goodness sakes, the talk of abolishing gender...oh, i cannot stand that. i abhor stereotypes, and have raised my little ones to be very aware of them. my 6 yr old has pointed them out since she was a tiny little toddler, and she knows how harmful they are. "that's a stereotype, and we don't do stereotypes" she proclaims often. but she is PROUD to be a girl, and PROUD of all the strong women who have paved the way for her to be who she is.

we are NOT THE SAME. men and women are DIFFERENT. we will never be the same ever. and that is OK! that is great! we should celebrate our differences!

men still run the world, and own most of the resources. should i ignore that?

also, i refuse to squash my dd's happiness over girlhood and over the things that are feminine and girly. i will loudly support her right to shave her head and play football if that's what she wants too.

ditto my son. i will and do totally celebrate his boyness, and his masculinity. and if he wants his OWN princess tea party, i will throw a righteous one.

i will not be "gender blind" though. never ever.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *woodchick* 
One thought that I have is that although these two girls are some of your DS's best friends, maybe he is lower on their list than they are on his. y'know? I know I've had friends that I felt were very close to me that had other friends that were closer to them.

I agree. This could be a very good life lesson for your child if handled properly.







Although I know how tough it can be when a child feels left out.


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:

The only reason a 4 year old boy would not want to do a tea party would be because his parents have been working hard to engrain masculinity and the gender binary in them
I disagree. I don't think that is always true. I don't think parents are the only ones that can influence their own child. A child can be influenced by friends and other adults as well.







And some children aren't influenced at all. They just do what they want until a certain age and if they notice kids of their own gender not doing certain things then they probably stop mainly due to peer pressure and fear of being ridiculed.









My oldest child used to have no problem playing with dolls when he was younger and even had a little tykes kitchen set in his bedroom up until he was 5. He shared it with his girl/boyfriends when they came over to play in his room after preschool sometimes.







At the same time he also had trucks, cars and other usual boy toys in his room to play with. It depended on his mood what he would do each day. I never encouraged him one way or the other and he is a total boy (according to society anyway) now at the age of 13 and has been ever since he discovered bugs and mud around the age of 5. But he could have kept playing with dolls for as long as he wanted and I wouldn't have cared.


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## beanma (Jan 6, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
A few times DS tried pulling the "boys only routine on the playground when creating a fort or something when other kids come around. And for me that is NOT ok and it gets nipped in the bud immediately.

Hey boatbaby,

I, too, would nip in the bud "girls only" or "boys only" *exclusion* on the playground. However, I have observed _self-segregation_ on the playground for several years now. I think it's common and developmentally appropriate. Not all kids do it, but often if you have 15 or 20 kids on a playground the girls will break into one or two groups and the boys into others. No girl is saying, "Hey I wanna go play with the boys!" and no boy is saying he wants to play with the girls. They've just separated into their groups and are happily playing. Would you then interrupt that play and demand that they integrate? At dd1's crunchy hippy independent school they have a rule about games being "elastic" and anyone who wants to join in can, but still they often self-segregate based on gender.

I do feel really bad for your little guy. It hurts to be excluded. I always have a hard time with planning b-day parties for that reason. When dd1 was turning 6 she really did not want to invite a few girls in her class, but wanted to invite almost all the other girls just leaving three out (inviting about 8). I felt really stuck on that because I didn't want to leave anyone out, but she was adamant she did not want to invite these girls and I had seen her often butt heads with one of them. I didn't want to mess up her party by inviting her nemesis, but I didn't want to exclude anyone either. We ended up paring the guest list down further so that we left out more kids. I'm still not sure that was the best plan of action, but its over and done (3 yrs ago) and subsequent b-days haven't been as problematic. Maybe we can take a few special friends to the museum or something this year...


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## lucysmom (Oct 17, 2004)

Have not made it past the first page of responses, but I think this is really sad. When people say "it is a fair way to cut down on the size of the party," they are discounting the damage it does to the close friends not invited ONLY because they are boys, AND to the birthday kid herself, by encouraging her to think that girls are somehow better, or more special, friends. It is NOT fair. It reinforces to all concerned that there is one characteristic more relevant than how close you are to a person or how much you have in common and how many shared experiences you've had -- none of that can outweigh this fundamentally important characteristic that you had no control over, your gender. Ouch.

For all of us who have wondered how gender definitions happen even when we actively resist them ... wow, here is one of the places.

Let me add that I think I had all-girls parties after I was about 3. I've never thought about that critically before, but it certainly does not seem very healthy upon reflection.


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## lucysmom (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *amcal* 
Again, I'm sorry if kids are hurt by not being invited but seriously, rather than slamming the party thrower, how about teaching your child a valuable lesson? That we aren't always invited to everything and it's really not that big of a deal. It's not a reflection on our self worth, it's just a one time party for girls or boys only. It doesn't mean they're not a special friend, it doesn't mean they're not important but, for this one particular event, they weren't invited.

I just don't get the sense of entitlement. That your child should be invited - no matter what - no matter the theme or event. Your child should be invited. Yeah, I don't get that.


I think many posters are missing the point. The issue that BB (the OP) raised isn't how to explain to her kid that he couldn't go to some party. The issue is that the ONLY reason appears to be his gender. Because this is a really good friend of his.

I am beginning to see how our society gets so screwed up. I am pretty sure I will not be allowing all-girls parties ...


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I think what's screwed up is politicizing a 6-year-old's birthday party.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lucysmom* 
Have not made it past the first page of responses, but I think this is really sad. When people say "it is a fair way to cut down on the size of the party," they are discounting the damage it does to the close friends not invited ONLY because they are boys, AND to the birthday kid herself, by encouraging her to think that girls are somehow better or more special friends. It is NOT fair. It reinforces to all concerned that there is one characteristic more relevant than how close you are to a person or how much you have in common and how many shared experiences you've had -- none of that can outweigh this fundamentally important characteristic that you had no control over, your gender. Ouch.

For all of us who have wondered how gender definitions happen even when we actively resist them ... wow, here is one of the places.

Let me add that I think I had all-girls parties after I was about 3. I've never thought about that critically before, but it certainly does not seem very healthy upon reflection.

I don't think a girls only party is going to teach the dd that girls are better then boys.

And in all honesty, if my ds or dd where seriously upset over a party. I'd have to wonder what I'm teaching both of them by claiming it's unfair that the person having the party decided not to invite them. There's more to being a friend then inviting people to your birthday.

DD's had all girl parties because she chose not to invite any male friends, she has also chosen at times not to invite female friends and she's chose to invite both male and female friends but only certain ones. We aren't going to force her to invite everyone she knows just to avoid hurting someones feelings.


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## lucysmom (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Shifra* 
I happened to have thrown my 8 year old daughter an all girls party this year, but it had more to do with finances than a theme. It was just a regular birthday party with pin the tail on the donkey, ring toss, and concentration as the games and crafts for the other activities. The school rule in her school is that you have to invite everyone in the class for a party, unless you only invite one gender. Since we could not afford to make a party for her whole class (plus we have no room for all of them either--we live in a townhoue), we had to cut the list somewhere.

Again, wow. The school says this is the one and only way a child can determine his or her closest friends for a small party? No wonder children just happen to develop binary notions of gender. Gee, how could that happen? Why would my child start to prefer to just be with children of the same sex?

Mama Shifra, no negative comment about your post -- they gave you no apparent choice. But seems like a rule that is not the school's to make, and one that teaches the students something about gender rules, whether it is meant to or not.


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## Maeve (Feb 21, 2004)

What an odd rule. When dd was in school the only rule was that if you weren't inviting the whole class you had to send out invitations outside of/after school.


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## lucysmom (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
I think what's screwed up is politicizing a 6-year-old's birthday party.

I think it is important to understand that we teach our kids things when we act like certain divisions between people are "natural" or essential or inevitable.

If my DD's school decided that gender is the one acceptable basis on which to leave kids out of a birthday invitation, and DD knew about that ... don't you think _that_ "politicizes" the party?

I am struck by how unexamined it seems to be that this is a healthy message to give to kids.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boatbaby* 
One of his BEST boyfriends had a birthday party and only wanted to invite 3 kids from his new preschool. They were "new" friends and he was excited to have them over. He just didn't see the need to have anyone else. No sweat. It's still one of DS's best friends, but that was the boy's choice for the party and mom wanted to keep it small and said only 3 anyhow. No problem.

How did you explain that parent's reasoning to your DS? Why can't you just use the same explanation this time? His friend is having a birthday party and he's not invited -- sounds like he's done well handling this situation in the past.

I mean, why is it any more okay to "rank" friends or classify friends into "preschool" and "non-preschool" groups than it is to classify them into boy/girl groups?


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## lucysmom (Oct 17, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *limabean* 
I mean, why is it any more okay to "rank" friends or classify friends into "preschool" and "non-preschool" groups than it is to classify them into boy/girl groups?

Because "preschool" and "non-preschool" are not inherent attributes of anyone's self.


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

that really stinks for your little boy, but i think parties for "girls only" or "boys only" is fine. i wouldn't do it personally (especially at the age of 4) but i would not be offended if someone else did.

there is a boy's playgroup in my area. we homeschool and i would love to take my son there! it would be great for him to make friends and play! but my daughter isn't allowed. no girls are allowed (even if their siblings). the host of the group (also an MDC mama) explained to me why she only wants it to be boys. it made sense actually and i totally respect her decision. but it does suck for my ds, so i can understand your disappointment.


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