# how often do you see out-of-state grandparents?



## SweetPotato (Apr 29, 2006)

I'm a bit heartbroken right now for my 4yo, who is really missing her grandparents. My parents live a 12-hour drive away-- she and I try to visit them for a week or more every 3-4 months. We were there for 2 weeks at Christmas, and have been waiting for them to make plans to come see us-- which hasn't happened. Dh's family is far enough that we have to fly. We were there for just under a week in March (which is a tough trip since dd was terrified of flying and we had 2 legs and a long car drive each way) They've planned to come this summer for all of 2 days, most of which we'll be all seperated (me alone on an already-planned trip with a class, dh and fil away, and dd alone with mil for a full day) We had thought they were staying an extra day so that we could all have some time together, but have just found out that's not happening. I'm just really sad right now-- feeling unimportant and feeling downright angry for my little girl who has been waiting and asking when they're going to come see her. I understand that we made the choice to live far from family, but we're here for my dh's career (which is intense), our parents are mostly retired, and I've been alone with a small child in a new town (not so new anymore). Am I expecting too much to want them to come for more than 2 days once a year? I know other folks are in similar situations-- how often do you see your far-away family, and how much of it is you travelling with the kids versus them travelling to see you?


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## seashells (Jan 23, 2009)

In-laws are in the same state but 4.5 hours away. They visit us once a year, and we visit them three or four times. (MIL's birthday, July 4 and Christmas, and maybe Thanksgiving or another day). All our visits are basically just the weekend.

My parents are a 3 hour plane ride away. We visit them once a year for a week, and we get visits from one or the other or both of them about three or four times. (That is, once a year my dad usually comes to my state on business and he'll stay the weekend with us, without my mom; my mom likes to come up during the fall and doesn't always come with my dad, but certainly they come together once or twice). The reason we don't visit them more is $$$.

I think it's great you make an effort to nurture relationships. Honestly I think visiting 5 weeks a year is a lot. That's about 35 days, that's more than a half day a week every week of the year, which is what I would imagine might be your visit schedule if you guys were more local (though of course if you lived in the same neighborhood I'd imagine you'd see them even more).

Is it possible that they figure that you guys just like to come see them, that you prefer to go to their house? It's a little different but I had a potentially similar experience with a couple in our town who were friends. They invited us over, but we rarely reciprocated. Honestly in retrospect I see I was wrong, but my intentions were not bad. It's that their house was so much nicer than ours, ours doesn't even have furniture to hang out on. And the couple followed a very strict diet, and it was all 100% organic and everything. They were much better off than we were financially and it seemed like we were unlikely to make food that would fit their diets (even something like salad dressing would be a problem). It just seemed like it was easier for everyone to do everything on their turf. Anyway, just food for thought, your folks might have a nicer house or live near a beach or something and assume everyone would just rather go over there.

ETA: Just wanted to say that I consider my DD to be close to her grandmothers, though they aren't local. She talks to them on the phone and is super excited when a visit is upcoming.


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## CatsCradle (May 7, 2007)

DH's parents are deceased, and we only see my parents once a year - if we travel to them. They are both about 70 years old and retired, but my dad doesn't like to drive and staying in our apartment isn't terribly comfortable for them (even though we offer them the bed). They are comfortable financially but wouldn't dream of "wasting" money on airfare. They are the same way with my siblings, so I don't feel too bad about it. DD talks about her grandparents occassionally, but they haven't been in her life enough for any strong attachment to grow. I have to admit that I'm jealous of people around us with grandparents and extended family in the same town (sometimes even next door neighbors!). Mainly jealous because of the perceived support that close (in proximity and spirit) family members provide for each other (I say "perceived" because I don't really know what goes on behind closed doors). We don't have that closeness in my family and come to think of it, I don't remember my grandparents going out of their way to involve themselves in my parents' childrens' lives. It can be very isolating.

I suppose we could travel to them more often, but both DH and I work and we have to straddle our times off around DD's school year and breaks. We don't have a car, so it is always a major expense (both time and moneywise to travel to them - which is 10 hours away).


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## woodchick (Jan 5, 2007)

We see my ILs (14hr drive away) 3 or 4 times a year. We go there or they come here depending on schedules and whatnot. The visits are usually between 2 days (if ILs have driven here) and a week (if we drive there).

Our girls are very well bonded with their grandparents. They send mail back and forth, email and Skype as well as chats on the phone.


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## cschick (Aug 28, 2007)

My inlaws live about 18 hours drive away.

The past few years, we've been down to see them once a year, and they've been up to stay at our house for a week once or twice a year. But when they come up here, they generally stay up here for 6-8 weeks, so they'll stay at our house for a week, and we generally also see them at other family functions during those weeks. So last year, we stayed with them for a week in January, they stayed with us for a week in May, we saw them several times from May-July, and then they stayed with us for a week in December.

This year, they're going to be up here for a week in May, and we've discussed going down there for a week later in the year. Maybe Christmas. They may also be up here during October/November time frame.

My almost-four-year old knows who Gram and Grand-daddy are, talks to them on the phone maybe once every two weeks. Whenever his dad calls them.


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## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

Well, both grandmothers are a 10 hour flight away and the grandfather who is in the picture is even further. My mother comes here 1-2 times per year for 2 weeks. DH's mother has only come once when DS was a baby (he's now 3) and I took DS there when he was a year. She doesn't seem to be making plans to come out and see the new baby. Honestly, it does hurt a bit but we try to understand that the whole flying thing is a much bigger deal for her than it is for my mum. My dad has been out twice since DS was born and plans to come out and see the new granddaughter as soon as he can afford it.

It makes me sad but skype is a great thing!


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## justKate (Jun 10, 2008)

We are military and Skype LOTS.

DH's parents are a 2 hour flight away, and we haven't been to visit them in 4 years. We _have_ however flown them out to see us three times. We haven't visited them because of the expense--we have to get a hotel and pay for everything when we visit. Plus, they need the break they get when the visit us. We're planning a trip there next month.

My parents are a 3 hour flight away. Since DD's birth 14 mos ago, they've come to visit us four times and DD and I have flown to visit them once. We're planning a trip there in June. We Skype at least once a week.

Although we're in roughly equal financial situations, my parents visit more because they can take leave from work more easily than I can at this point. It is hard, but we anticipate being closer to them within 18 mos so that makes it a little easier. When DD is older I anticipate sending mail back and forth with the grandmas.


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## HappyMommy2 (Jan 27, 2007)

I definitely recommend Skype. It is free, and a great way for kids to keep that connection with grandparents.

My parents come here 2x a year. for 2 weeks each. We usually go there for one week per year.

I agree with the above that you should definitely tell them often that they are welcome anytime, and you hope they come visit soon! Tell your dd to tell them that each time they skype, and then you can reiterate. My parents understand that traveling with 2 young kids is hard on us, but you may need to be more blunt.


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

My mom lives 8 hours away and we see her about 6 times a year. We travel up there twice, she comes down here 2 to 3 times, and we meet somewhere else (Yosemite, Santa Barbara, etc.) once.

One of our visits up there is a week-long visit in the summer, but other than than most of our visits are somewhere between 2 and 4 days each.


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## Alyantavid (Sep 10, 2004)

FIL is the only grandparent who lives out of state and he comes to visit once a year. Honestly, I'm just glad he does live far away and only visits that often.


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## ramama (Apr 13, 2007)

My parents live 1500 miles away and we see them every summer for about 3 weeks. Except this year when they made a trip out for DD's birthday. We are about to move closer to them, a 10 hour drive, so I'm hoping to see them at least 3 or 4 times a year. When I was a kid, my grandparents lived a 10 hour drive away and they'd drive down for 2-3 days every summer. Didn't seem like enough


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## mamadelbosque (Feb 6, 2007)

We live with my dad and see my mom about once a week (she lives an hour away). My dads' parents are also just an hour away, so we see them once a week on average too.

DH's mom & his moms' parents we see less frequently - every 2-3 months on average (they live 2.5 and 3.5 hours away respectively), his dad's family is another story - his dad lives in wi and so we only see him maybe 2 or 3 times a year, if that... his dads' parents about the same, despite them being just 3.5 hours away (but their just wierd... apparently even when DH was growing up and *lived in the same town* he still almost never saw them - they'd drop bday presents off while him & his sister were at school, rather than wait and come over and say 'hi'....).

My moms' parents live in colorado.... DS1 has met his great grandma once, when my brother got married. DS1 was... 15 or 15 months old, I think. He's never met his great grandpa.







But, my grandpa is a vietnam war vet, and apparently its just 'too green' around here for him... reminds him of the jungle too much I guess?







We've always lived here and I can remmeber them being here, maybe 2 or 3 times in my life... And unfortuantly we don't have the money to go see them. Someday we will... I hope.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

Well, I'm not in the States....

but DH's folks are about a 3 hour drive away and we see them on average once a month or so. We almost always drive down to see them - there isn't really room for MIL and step-FIL to stay in our house, but they have room for us there.

My mom and dad live in another country. It's only a 45 minute flight, but between getting to the airport, waiting the obligatory 2 hours, and then a 3 hour drive from the airport to mom's place on the other side - it actually takes pretty much an entire day. We go over maybe twice or three times a year (usually just me and DD - DH can't get very much time off work, and when I go I want to spend at least a week or two there). My mom comes over to see us maybe once a year too.

I'd like to be closer to all of them, but that's logistically impossible!!


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

DH's parents are in TN. We're in Vancouver, BC. It's about 5.5 hours of flying, plus connections. I have no idea how long it would take to drive.

We see them for a week, once a year. They pretty well always come here. It's just too expensive and logistically difficult to get our family of six down there.

In some ways, I wish they'd come more often. In some ways, I don't. I do hope we can afford to get down there sometime in the next couple of years. DH hasn't seen any of his uncles, aunts or friends in a long time.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Every couple months? We've only been out-of-state for 2 years, so visits have varied since we moved. I would say, though, that we've gotten to see at least one grandparent about every other month.

They've traveled here more often than we've made it back up to CO. I would not be happy with once or twice a year - kids change and grow so quickly, I'd feel like they hardly knew their grandparents that way. But really, if they couldn't travel to see us (due to age/health, finances, work, etc.) we would make it a bigger priority to go home to see them. Especially since we are the ones who moved away.


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## deditus (Feb 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SweetPotato* 
I'm a bit heartbroken right now for my 4yo, who is really missing her grandparents. My parents live a 12-hour drive away-- she and I try to visit them for a week or more every 3-4 months. We were there for 2 weeks at Christmas, and have been waiting for them to make plans to come see us-- which hasn't happened. Dh's family is far enough that we have to fly. We were there for just under a week in March (which is a tough trip since dd was terrified of flying and we had 2 legs and a long car drive each way) They've planned to come this summer for all of 2 days, most of which we'll be all seperated (me alone on an already-planned trip with a class, dh and fil away, and dd alone with mil for a full day) We had thought they were staying an extra day so that we could all have some time together, but have just found out that's not happening. I'm just really sad right now-- feeling unimportant and feeling downright angry for my little girl who has been waiting and asking when they're going to come see her. I understand that we made the choice to live far from family, but we're here for my dh's career (which is intense), our parents are mostly retired, and I've been alone with a small child in a new town (not so new anymore). Am I expecting too much to want them to come for more than 2 days once a year? I know other folks are in similar situations-- how often do you see your far-away family, and how much of it is you travelling with the kids versus them travelling to see you?

Twice a year. We go home to see them - a 12-15 hour drive. We can't afford to fly. My parents can't afford to come see us, but probably will next winter anyway. Dh's dad and g-ma came to see us 2 years ago but won't be able to afford to again for a while since they are both on limited incomes. Dh's mom and step-dad could afford to come see us, but probably won't. They never even came to our house when we lived 3 miles away from them. It kinda pisses me off, but whatever. We moved because we needed to find work and we're still broke due to poor financial decisions we made, so I think people think "well, they moved away from us so they should come see us". No one one either side of our families takes very many vacations so it's not like they are going someplace else and not coming to see us, lol.


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## AutumnAir (Jun 10, 2008)

Oh, I wanted to second (third?) the Skype recommendation. I chat on Skype with my mom and MIL at least once or twice a week, and it's such a great way for them to stay in contact with DD - they get to see her, chat to her, interact with her and watch her grow up even if they don't get to see her in person as often as we'd all like.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Yeas - my FIL needs to get Skype up and running on their end again.

I don't really get the "we/they are the ones who moved away, so we/they should make the effort" line of thinking. People move for a lot of reasons. DH moved here to be with me, but he'd have had to leave Knoxville at some point, anyway. He's legally blind, cannot drive, and living in Knoxville just wasn't going to work for him.

My FIL says that he and MIL have more disposable income _and_ aren't trying to raise kids, so it makes more sense for them to come here. We can't afford to go down there unless we drive, and we only have one driver, so that would take a _long_ time. I doubt dh could get enough time off work for it. (And, it might not even be that much cheaper, by the time I figured in wear and tear on the minivan, gas and hotels/food for the trip there and back.)


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## lyterae (Jul 10, 2005)

My parents live about 45 minutes away.. My mom is moving several states away in May (my parents are divorcing). I really don't know what kind of relationship dd will continue to have with her once she moves away. My dad will still be nearby and we see him fairly often already. My in-laws live out of the country (Guatemala) we see them once or twice a year.


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## tabrizia (Oct 24, 2007)

My in-laws are 30 minutes away and we see them once a week or so, sometimes it is a bit less often sometimes it is a bit more, but it averages out to about once a week. Which is good for everyone in my family, though DS will sometimes ask to see his Grandparents more often, both sets to be fair.

My parents on the other hand live about 700 miles away, it is a 10ish hour car ride or a 2 hour plane ride. I see my Mom about every 6 weeks or so and my Dad every 8 weeks or so. Maybe a bit more often for each of them. I take DS and DD with me and we fly down to see my parents between 4 and 5 times a year for a week at a time, DH normally comes on 2 to 4 of these trips or at least part of the trips. I also normally end up flying down once or twice a year for a weekend or so. My Mom comes up to visit us here 3 to 5 times a year as well, my Dad will sometimes come for one or two of those visits as well. Which means I see my parents a lot. Not quite as often as I see my in-laws, but I tend to see them for longer periods of time when I do see them.

Everyone in my family is happy with this setup, my parents both want to see the kids as often as they can, and I want them to have a good relationship with both sets of Grandparents. That being said, my parents buy our plane tickets down to visit them. If I was paying for us to go down, we would see them twice a year at their house and then however many times they could get up here, so far fewer times a year. We are all happy with our current arrangement of 8 to 12 times a year seeing my Mom and 6 to 8 times a year seeing my Dad for longer visits though.


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## 34me (Oct 2, 2006)

My kiddos are older. Before they were in school we would see my parents two or three times a year. My ILs didn't meet my boys until they were 2 and 5 and saw dd for the second time when she was 7. My dad has had some health issues lately and now we only see them when we go there once a year. The kids see the ILs almost every year when they travel on their own. I haven't been there in 4 years.


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## sweetcheeks (May 21, 2005)

My ILs are two hours away in the city and we generally see them at least once/month, sometimes upwards of 2-3 times/month. We usually end up going in monthly and if there's any extra visits, it's them coming out here as they have no small children to travel with.









My mom is a 5.5hrs car drive away and we see her about 3 times/year. It's usually us going down to visit her as she's low income and she can't afford to take the time off from her jobs (due to the length of the drive and that it involves an international border crossing, she likes to come up for 5-7 days). Last time she visited us was when DS2 was born 2 years ago. I know she would like to see the kids more often but, as selfish as this sounds, I can't handle being around my mom that much. She's changed a lot since my dad passed away (I strongly believe she's suffering from depression) and she's very emotionally draining for me to be around due to her bitterness and all around negativity.


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## ScarlettFever (Jun 14, 2011)

This is a thread that is close to my heart. I struggle with finding an appropriate balance that allows DD (1 year) to know and grow close to her grandparents and keeps DH and my life sane.

IL live about a 3.5 hour drive away, more with traffic.

My FOO live a 3 hour flight away. It would be a 2-day drive.

Before DD was born, I saw my parents maybe 2-3 times a year. Since her birth, they've visited us 3 times plus my mother has come out an additional 3 times to help out. We've been to their home twice, once for Thanksgiving and once for a wedding. In the future I'd like to celebrate holidays in our home but make a point to visit them for a week in a non-holiday capacity.

The ILs, well, we see them at least every 6 weeks. It would be every weekend if my MIL had her way. They are good people and very loving but she is a typical Italian MIL and can be very overbearing and her expectations of family time are ridiculous, IMO. We made our first visit to their home when DD was 8 weeks old. We've been back 5 times since then. We outnumber their visits 2:1.

Now that DD is walking, she does not handle being strapped into a carseat very well. The saving grace on recent flights home was that we took off right at nap time. We've seen both sets of grandparents the last two weekends in a row (DD's birthday at our home then my brother's wedding in the midwest) and just yesterday MIL sent me an email asking us to plan a vacation around a visit to their home. We just got back in town!

I feel torn as I want DD to be close to her cousins, aunts, and uncles. But the constant travel is a killer. DH and I work full time. Both sets of grandparents are retired and would be welcome to visit us anytime. I think my parents are pretty good with their expectations but it seems like MIL still expects our social calendar to revolve around her living room.

Any advice?


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