# help! my 5-year-old has a lot of trouble making decisions



## akmbloom (Feb 18, 2005)

My very smart, sensitive, funny little 5-year-old has developed a (sometimes really annoying, frustrating, patience-testing, sad) thing where she is paralyzed with indecision every time she has to choose something. Which snack do you want, A or B? Which shoes will you wear? Do you want to go with daddy to the store or stay here with me? -- Any question asking her to choose will cause her to hesitate and then get all sad and angry and often melt down into a crying, screaming ball.

We've tried everything we can think of: Not offering choices (that doesn't work, because she does *want* to have a choice). Telling her, "B is what I would pick if I were you." Saying, you have one minute to choose and then I will decide (angry!). Talking to her about how you usually can try choice B next time. Trying to get her to tune into what she wants (saying, well what are you hungry for? what does your tummy feel like?).

It's getting worse... she's doing it about things that aren't really choices (like helping me clear the table before dinner) and she's lecturing us about how we should just let her have as much time as she needs. She's been more sensitive about everything lately -- she's been playing baby and hanging on me a lot -- and thinks that she cannot calm herself down when she's upset, that she NEEDS a grownup to sit and read with her. She's doing things we think she picked up from other kids at preschool when she has a "temper tantrum" -- stomping her feet and other stuff she didn't do before.

I have to admit that my husband and I have not been consistent in our discipline and in dealing with "testing" behavior... stress and chronic illness have sometimes made our number 1 goal just to get things quieted down as quickly as possible. My husband says to her sometimes "well mama and I want to help you not have so much trouble deciding, but we just don't know how" -- which I don't agree with (admitting to her that we're not in control of the situation -- a little scary to her?)... I am more likely to try to ignore the parts of the behavior I don't like, but ya know, I only have a limited supply of patience when this happens sometimes 3 times a day.

She's in her last week of preschool this week; starts summer camp next week, and then after that starts kindergarden in the fall. We moved to a new apartment a month and a half ago where her bedroom is much farther away from ours (she still sleeps in our bed for half the night almost every night). Obviously she's struggling with all these new things in her life that are pushing her toward more independence.... but how do we reassure her while helping her do all of these necessary, big-girl things? How do we raise a girl who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to say it, but also get rid of this ridiculous behavior around decision-making? Sometimes I worry that she is trying to choose the "perfect" choice -- the one she wants, the one she thinks WE want her to choose, the one that's "right." She's an only child and maybe we're pressuring her? When she was younger (3) and had trouble deciding, I would praise her by saying "good choice" - but have I made it worse by making her think there's a "good choice" and a "bad choice"? Have we made her too dependent on us? She's not that shy or clingy in public, and everyone just loves her to pieces -- and her teachers haven't mentioned this happening at school so I think she's saving it for us. Help!


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

How much time are you giving her to make the choices? At that age my dd started realizing how permanant a choice could be so she wanted a lot of time to make a choice she could live with. If your dd feels pressured to make a quick choice that may be where the tears are coming from. Having so many changes that she is having a hard time dealing with may also be making her more prone to tears. When my dd is in an overly emotional state like that I give her a lot of hugs and empathize with her and that seems to help her work through it quickly.

I think that your husband is on the right track by telling her that he doesn't know what to do to help. Parents aren't all powerful and they do make mistakes, I think it is good for kids to see that and to know that you can make a mistake and still be wonderful like mom and dad are. I think you should take it a step further and ask her why she is having a hard time with choices lately and what you can do to help. Kids have a lot of knowledge about themselves and a lot of great ideas.


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