# Nervous breakdown in my near future



## Artmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Last night I really thought, for the first time, that I would walk out and leave my just turned 3 year old to scream. I cannot take it anymore.

We co-sleep (well, my daughter and I do, my DH moved out a long time ago. He says he can't get any sleep with her waking up all night. He won't take any nighttime duty, he feels that I must be doing something wrong, that it is just time for her to sleep on her own.)

I would be up for moving her to her own bed if she didn't wake up all the time! I don't want to have to get out of bed and go to another room or even to another bed to comfort her! Plus, we have not night weaned, as I am terrified to have no reliable tool for getting her back to sleep. I know of too many stories where moms did it, and kids still keep waking up. (including my sister, and many of her La Leche League friends)

And if I do night wean, I know that I will be up for a few nights of screaming and I have no real support , I must function the next day period. I have sleep apnea and need sleep like oxygen. I don't sleep with my breathing machine now because of having to wake up so much, it is way harder to do when you are in a deep sleep. Last night she was up whining, climbing on me, on and off for hours. Not even nursing would work, she squeezes my breasts so hard it hurts, wants to constantly switch sides etc.

I have done the Pantly pull off, it worked for a while and she was starting to go back to sleep with just a few moments of nursing and a little phrase about nummies are sleeping. I have her on a scheduale, we have wind down time etc. Now it is like we are starting over. My husband seems to blame me, as if I created this, and he is pissed that we no longer sleep together because of our DD. I go to sleep hours before him now, as I have to get up at the crack of dawn when dd does, he and I are on totally different time zones all the time. He thinks I am a martyr for the cosleeping, that I am asking for this by not just letting her "work it out." He is stressing me out as much as she is, I swear.

I am such a patient person, but I CANT take anymore. She is 3 now, shouldn't she be sleeping? I can't deal with the yelling, the whining, the constant waking. On the good nights she only wakes 3 or 4 times. This is part of the reason I am not having another child, if there is a chance of going through three years of sleep deprivation again, no way.

I feel like she is running our family. Last night I was up with her from 2 until 4 or so. I told her I was going to leave the room and leave her alone if she did'nt go to sleep. I turned my back on her as she begged for nummies for the millionth time. I am just DONE. She must start sleeping better or I am seriously going to walk out of the room and shut the door one of these nights. My breasts ache, my back aches from all the gymnastics all night.

I keep telling my dh that she willgrow out of this, we can't rush her to independance, but I am starting to wonder- how will she learn to sleep on her own? How will I keep from having a nervous breakdown?

I lay in bed thinking of titles for my next post-
"Close to the Edge!"
"I'm dying over Here!"
"Help me Help Me Help Me"
" Attachment Parenting Kills Mother"
"Hanging on by my fingernails to Sanity"


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## Mama Poot (Jun 12, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Artmama* 
" *Attachment Parenting Kills Mother"
*


You need to nightwean her now. She is old enough to understand that Mama needs her rest. You cannot and SHOULD NOT let this damage the family dynamics in your house.


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## Ex Libris (Jan 31, 2004)

I think we have the same child--seriously! Just do a search of my posts and you'll see what we've gone through over here. My ds just turned 3 and he wakes just as much as he did as a newborn--about every 2 hours to nurse back to sleep. Well, I couldn't take it anymore, so I nightweaned him almost a week ago. It was hard at first, lots of crying when he woke up, but better on days 3-4, a set back with 45 minutes of crying on day 5, and last night only some fussing before going back to sleep on his own. Granted, he still woke up just as often, and he may continue to do that even though he's nightweaned, but I'm ok with that. I figure if he's going to wake up anyway, at least now I don't have to nurse him (which I was starting to really hate and resent). Perhaps you should nightwean, too? She is old enough to understand, and the nursing back to sleep isn't working anyway.

I don't know what else to suggest to you since I haven't figured it out for myself, but at the very least I'd say to ignore dh's pressure and comments as best you can--in fact, tell him that only dd has the right to whine since she _is_ a baby.

Hugs to you! It's NOT your fault and you're not alone.

Kelly


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## newbymom05 (Aug 13, 2005)

Girl, you need to nightwean! 3 is plenty old enough to understand. We're in the process of nightweaning our 21 mo old for the same reason--our health and my sanity. Even our 21 mo old understands "Na na's are sleeping" and "help Mommy sleep--na na's go night night."

You are so not alone. My DB just paid someone $250 to tell them to CIO. They won't do it, of course, but it just shows how desperate no sleep can make you that you'd pay someone to tell you what to do! I'm starting to wonder how people did it back in the day. I can't believe farmer's wives or whatever were nursing all freaking night long and then waking up to perform strenuous chores all day.

Anyway. Maybe try Jay Gordon's website on nightweaning. That's what we're doing and it is NO fun but neither is being woken up to be little man's pacificer for hours.

This is JMO but while your DD's needs are important, so are yours and so is your marriage. Even Dr. Sears agrees w/ that. I would try to get your DH on board w/ the nightwaking. I printed out the JG stuff and gave it to my DH to read and after about a month of thinking/talking about it he decided to help more and now he's doing all the nighttime comforting.

Good luck to all of us sleep deprived parents!


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

I agree 100% with the PPs that you should seriously consider nightweaning. Yes, she's going to cry. But it sounds like she's not particularly happy with the current situation either.

I would try to reframe this situation in your mind. Your dd needs sleep, just as you do. At her age, consolidated sleep is important. She doesn't need to nurse at night and it is probably more of a habit than anything else. Some kids don't fall into a typical sleep routine and I think your dd is showing you that...but she needs sleep. She will be much happier if she gets good, regular sleep.

I would talk with her about "the plan" to sleep at night and not nurse. Prepare her as best you can and then remind her when the time comes and she's up asking for it. I'm sure she'll cry but she won't be alone. Maybe you can start this on a weekend when your dh can let you sleep in and rest during the day.

This does not need to be this way. You and your dd need sleep. It's ok to take the lead on that and make it happen.

Good luck...I'm sure it will be fine and you'll be breathing a HUGE sigh of relief when you're both getting more sleep. Keep us posted on how it goes and keep seeking support here if you need it.


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## YinYang (Apr 3, 2006)

My DD is younger but I have been losing my mind over this as well. I'm not ready to night-wean her (she is just 1 yr now) but she wakes constantly. She flops, she rolls, she stands up, she is just restless. Sometimes she is trying so hard to sleep... her eyes are lightly closed but she is crying and flopping every where (not pain, more annoyed).

Anyhow, I've had a few thoughts about this lately. I notice that when I put her to sleep in my bed, she sleeps relatively well until I go to bed. Then is when the fun begins. So I thought... you know babies don't sleep as soundly as we do (or for as long stretches)... and I know that when I sleep with someone, when they move, I am aware of it. For a light sleeper and for a baby, I can see why it would cause her to stir. Then I have to nurse her to go back to sleep. Recently, she has started the pinching, grabbing, and boredom biting on my breasts and I hear ya - that is incredibly painful.

So based on some of these thoughts, I'm going to give a more dedicated effort (once I finish a final I'm working on) to getting her to sleep on a bed next to my bed or maybe even in the next room (so I don't disturb her). Yes, it will be inconvenient to me to get up and go to her when she needs me but I've got my eye on the prize (sanity). I believe that once we can get this working pretty well, then I'd like to try fully co-sleeping again but for now, I'm losing it like you and I gotta do something about it.

Now, I might be a little ignorant on all of this so I'm going to watch your thread and keep reading! But it is my plan for now.

Good luck. I cannot imagine 2 more years of this (when DD would be 3 like yours). You are a goddess to have made it that long!


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## InDaPhunk (Jun 24, 2005)

I haven't been doing the co sleeping/nursing/being a mom thing long enough to give you much advice, but I would suggest that at the very least you _set some limits on nursing_...no pinching, no side switching, no climbing all over mama, always asking for nursing, etc. I've seen this referred to here as "nursing manners" and I heartily agree that that can make or break the nursing relationship.

Setting limits would be something easy to do (easi_er_ than making the decision to completely nightwean) and might go far in making you sleep better and also feel better about the night nursing. Then you could go from there and make the decision about nightweaning.


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## spiritmomma (Aug 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Poot* 
[/B]

You need to nightwean her now. She is old enough to understand that Mama needs her rest. You cannot and SHOULD NOT let this damage the family dynamics in your house.

Dude... Nightweaning changed my life. Seriously. After my first full night's sleep, I got up in the morning _before_ my child, cleaned the whole house, did dishes and laundry and still had enough energy to take her to the Children's Museum in the afternoon. Seriously. Don't feel bad. Nightweaning is a beautiful thing.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ex Libris* 
... I figure if he's going to wake up anyway, at least now I don't have to nurse him (which I was starting to really hate and resent). Perhaps you should nightwean, too? She is old enough to understand, and the nursing back to sleep isn't working anyway.

I second that emotion on the resentment thing. When that starts happening, it's time to make a change. Hating your child while they nurse is akin to filling their body up with hate-milk instead of love-milk. Once I realized that, I knew for me, it was time to stop nursing when I wasn't that into it... see my post here to see the emotional side of things...

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Just know that you have nursed your child for three years! Cut yourself some slack and realize that *YOU* are the only person who can really give yourself permission to wean if you are feeling ready.
Consider this: Is it more loving for you to continue nursing, or more loving to gently wean? There you will find your answer for what to do next.
If you decide to nightwean, please read this article by Dr. Jay Gordon. It will help, I promise...


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## Artmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Wow. I guess maybe I have just dismissed the idea of nightweaning because the idea of having nothing to put her back to sleep (nursing at least does work some of the time!) scares me.

I wonder how it helps to night wean if your child is not really waking to nurse, but using it to get back to sleep? I mean what do all you Moms of N-W'ed kids do when they wake and cry? I know often she wants to go back to sleep, but just can't. Last night, there was a good portion of the night where she was trying- she would lay still next to me for a while, I would just think she was out and start to drift off myself, and uh oh! She's up!! Over and over! I actually wasn't even nursing her anymore, she was frustrated with it anyway as she has a stuffy nose and couldnt nurse very well. So I had nothing, I patted, sang etc, I just don't know.

I guess what I am getting at it is this: If I really could be convinced that night weaning really makes kids sleep, I would go through the hell it will be gladly. I just keep hearing that often they just keep waking up anyway. I would rather be laying down nursing then getting up and rocking her or something. You know?


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## AnnesMoM (Jun 19, 2005)

I'd very seriously consider nightweaning, also. I nightweaned my dd at 18 months due to the same feelings. I would have waited longer, but she's always been a little ahead with her language skills and I thought she would understand if I explained it to her. Mind you, this is a kid who did not sleep longer than 45 min at a time at 18 months. I longed for having a 2 hour stretch! I explained to her that na-na's were for when it was light outside and that we weren't having na-na's in bed anymore. I told her that if she woke up and was hungry, we'd go have a snack, but no na-na's. She fussed a little the first night (I was prepared for bawling, but none happened) and I asked her if she wanted a snack. She said she did, we had a snack and then went straight to bed. She asked to nurse a couple more times, but I said not until it's light outside and she eventually fell back asleep. She needed to get up and have a snack in the middle of the night until she was about 24 months, then all of a sudden she started sleeping through the night. I always made sure the snack was something boring and nutritious like a banana or mashed-potatoes. I also made sure she wasn't hungry when she went to bed. Good luck, momma!







s


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## spiritmomma (Aug 29, 2005)

Yeah, make sure your child has a FULL belly before bed. And at age three, you could offer a drink of water if she wakes up thirsty. Offering snacks is kind of a last resort in this family and has only happened once. I don't feel like offering food is a good long-term solution, but by all means do what you have to do to make the transition easier!
My dd is also using a potty most of the time. Is your child using the toilet at all? Because I think many children wake with an urge to pee and that nursing them back to sleep may help them fall asleep again, but it ignores the need they woke up to address. Imagine that you wake up in the middle of the night having to pee. Then, instead of taking you to the toilet, someone just kept feeding you more liquid. You would constantly be waking up having to pee again only to be fed more liquid! How frustrating! If she is potty learned at all, offer her the opportunity to use the potty or keep a small potty in her room.
All in all don't worry about it being "hell" to night wean. It may not be easy, but it may not be hard either. Every child/ mama couple has a different experience in different stages of weaning. Go into it with an open heart, knowing that you are trying to take good care of yourself so that you can take good care of your child. Think of it as the airplane oxygen mask principle. "For those passengers traveling with small children, please place your own mask on before assisting your children." The reason is that if you are passed out, you can't help your kids. It sounds to me like your situation is nearing the pass out point. It's time for a change.
As far as "not having any tools to help her back to sleep" This too is an unfounded fear. You have LOTS of ways to help her back to sleep but you've only ever used one. You have arms to hold her, a voice to sing or hum to her, hands for patting her or stroking her hair...etc... Nightweaning will open up a whole new arena of expressions of Love. You'll find new ways to tell your child that you are here, present with her, knowing that she wants to be asleep and helping her relax. Keep yourself relaxed and that relaxation will be felt by your child. If you are all tense and angry, she won't fall back to sleep either, sensing your tenseness.


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## QueenOfTheMeadow (Mar 25, 2005)

That is a really hard place to be. I think nightweaning is a really good idea. It may take a few days of sleepless nights, but it should be worth it in the long run. I also think that you need to talk to your dh about this. If he is so upset about how things are going, then he needs to be part of the solution, not just making more stress for you. A happy mama is a much happier wife. Maybe you could put it in those terms for him.

My dh was a huge part of the nightweaning process. When ds woke up, he was the one to offer comfort.


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## GradysMom (Jan 7, 2007)

Your dd needs to know that her parents bond is strong. Is her insecurity maybe partly driven by the tension with you and your husband? This could be a monster that is creating itself.

My understanding is that weaning should happen when either of "team" find it necessary.

I can understand you are afraid of hurting your daughters feelings, but you are allowing her to hurt yours... and this is going to send a strange message - again one that could be undermining her sense of security.

Clearly you are a consciencious mother - try to look at the whole picture and what the current situation is doing to the entire family dynamic.

Remember you can not protect your ds from disappointments all her life. You can comfort her as she experiences them though.


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## Shakti A. (Feb 16, 2007)

I would also add that people with sleep apnea are often loud and/or restless sleepers without their CPAPs, so you may be contributing to your daughter's waking. I would definitely nightwean and try putting her in her own bed as well to see if she sleeps better.


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## molarmama (Dec 14, 2006)

I was in the same place 6 months ago. I hadn't had a full night sleep in 4 years. My second was born when my first was 2. When DS 2 turned 2, I'd had enough. I asked my very holistic physician about antidepressants and she asked me how much sleep I was getting. The answer was not much and the sleep I got wasn't good. It was she who suggested putting my son in his own room. She didn't say anything about weaning, but I knew that was why he was waking up. I nightweaned very easily. I just traded it for the pacifier. Looking back, it doesn't seem like it it should have been that easy, but it was. I also put him in a crib in his own room. I bought an air purifier for noise, a night light, and got a little bed time routine thing, and life was grand. He started sleeping through the night. And we did not CIO. I just told him the plan, rocked him until he was almost asleep and the rest is history. I kid you not, it worked. He has gone back to waking up at night again, but I bring him back into our bed and we both sleep fine. Its not the repeated waking thing that we had going on before. I can handle waking once.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Artmama* 
Wow. I guess maybe I have just dismissed the idea of nightweaning because the idea of having nothing to put her back to sleep (nursing at least does work some of the time!) scares me.

I wonder how it helps to night wean if your child is not really waking to nurse, but using it to get back to sleep? I mean what do all you Moms of N-W'ed kids do when they wake and cry? I know often she wants to go back to sleep, but just can't. Last night, there was a good portion of the night where she was trying- she would lay still next to me for a while, I would just think she was out and start to drift off myself, and uh oh! She's up!! Over and over! I actually wasn't even nursing her anymore, she was frustrated with it anyway as she has a stuffy nose and couldnt nurse very well. So I had nothing, I patted, sang etc, I just don't know.

I guess what I am getting at it is this: If I really could be convinced that night weaning really makes kids sleep, I would go through the hell it will be gladly. I just keep hearing that often they just keep waking up anyway. I would rather be laying down nursing then getting up and rocking her or something. You know?

How old is your dd? I think a lot of it depends on their age and ability to communicate.

Just as with every other aspect of parenting, we are teaching our children. For some children, not nursing at night is just the first part of sleeping longer at night. They need to learn other ways to get to sleep when the boob is no longer available...by being patted, just by being close to a parent, talking about ways to do it - close your eyes, think about xy or z, etc. If your child is still up when you stop nursing, I think that means that she needs help in learning other ways to fall asleep...and also to know that at night we sleep instead of play. It might take more than just weaning.

Also, I think we often fear it will be worse than it is. We can't imagine our children being able to do something differently because it's so hard for us to adjust to change. But we never know for sure until we get there. Sometimes doing what we've always done is actually preventing them from better sleep...making that shift can sometimes be what was needed for better sleep. That was the case for my first, anyway.


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## bunnybartlett (Aug 27, 2002)

This sounds like my dd who is now 5 and still wakes frequently.She is weaned by this age of course but still requires much night time parenting.

Is your dd still napping during the day?? Perhaps she is not tired enough at night.How about physical excersice? My dd requires alot of this to sleep well.The snack thing someone mentioned.I feel kids this age can definitely still be hungry in the night.Breastmilk supply is at its lowest in the evening when mom is tired.I make sure she has a good protein snack right before bed.Sometimes when she would nurse like that we would get up and eat something like cheese or a banana(requires minimal effort) and then she would go to sleep easily after we got back in bed.I also offered water kept on the nightstand.She would nurse more frequently if she was too hot.Lower temps in the house at night helps babies sleep better.My dd sweats easily.I prefer heavy blankets so she needs lighter jammies.

NO SWEETS AFTER DINNER.I found this to be a major problem.She still has trouble falling asleep if we have ice cream or something.

Weaning was never an option for us.She just wouldn't have it and it seemed to cause more trouble and I got even LESS sleep!

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I forgot to add is she still teething?? are her molars coming in?? Those were a bear for us.Hylands teething tablets.Tylenol and ibuprofen alternated if you believe in using those were my only salvation those nights.


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## mumpet (Apr 25, 2007)

Hey there, what about some sort of reward system like a star chart...i.e they get abig star sticker on a chart every time they make a positive step...with a reward after x number of stars. If you think your daughter is old enough to understand. You might have to give lots of praise for any little step at first..How about a drink of warm milk and honey sometime before bed...works for me to help me sleep anyway. Good luck


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## Ekatherina (Sep 20, 2004)

seriously ds was like that, two things that made miracles were night weaning and talking to him. dont get frustrated, i know it is hard but it will lead you into the black hole. sit and talk to her, more than once if neseccary, tell her mommy is tired, mommy NEEDs to sleep etc etc. when you are putting her to sleep and having huge problems keep telling yourself: "it is ok, children are hard to raise, noone said parenting is easy".







s:


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## Artmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Well, thanks to all of you who responded, here is an update about a month after I first posted!

SHE IS SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is three years old, for the person who asked, and it took about 4 nights of crying, really only one night was really bad. I am glad I did endure until now, as I think she is now old enough to actually understand what is going on and has gained some skills for going to sleep. I just really thank the people on this board who helped me find the courage to do this.

I am still struggling, ironically, with being super tired, as she wakes up between 5 and 6 AM and I feel like I will literally throw up when I have to get up that early. I have the black out curtains etc, I wonder if she is waking up to get the morning nummies? They don't put her back to sleep now!


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## shantimama (Mar 11, 2002)

My children were all super early risers at that age too.

How is your health? Could that be a part in your exhaustion too? I learned sometime after my first child that I needed to take a bottle of water to bed with me every night to drink from every single time I woke up to go to the bathroom or because of a noise or whatever. Being well hydrated helped my energy enormously. It also helped me to keep a glass a juice or a piece of fruit by my bed to have the moment I woke up (was woken up!) in the morning to jumpstart my system. Eating well throughout the day helped too.

Now that she is sleeping through the night, can your dh help out some more? Maybe you could nurse her when she first wakes up but he could get up and play with her, get breakfast for her or whatever while you sleep a little longer. You have three years of poor sleep to make up for, especially if you already have apnea. I am sure he is tired too, but if he has been sleeping through the night all this time while you took care of your little one, you are in need of some extra zzzzzzzzzz's in a way that he just isn't.


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## Artmama (Apr 30, 2004)

Shantimama,

Well, arent you the perceptive /intiuitive one! I am probably often dehydrated, as I am one of those weird people who never gets thirsty, and doesnt really like the taste of water much. But I am going to take a bottle of water to bed with me tonight and follow your suggestion. My diet is excellent, all organic fruits and veggies, whole grains etc, almost zero junk. I just can't seem to make myself drink water!

Also, today I rearranged our room to allow me to sleep with my machine for my apnea for the first time in 3 years! so I will see if that helps with the exhaustion.

My husband getting up with her? A sweet, unatainable dream. Not gonna happen. I wish, but he is just not that guy. Good in many many other ways, but a grizzly bear to deal with if you wake him up. I kid you not. I have learned to pick my battles, and that is one that I no longer care to fight.


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## swampangel (Feb 10, 2007)

Yay Artmama!!!! I'm so happy for you!!! Except for the early waking...that is so hard. I have a friend whose daughter does the same thing. For her, it's just her internal clock and unfortunately she's ready for the day at 5am.

I wonder if you can get a little digital clock for her and ask that she play quietly after nursing until the clock says 6:30 or 7 or whatever works for you. I bet she is getting up to nurse (mine always did) but maybe she can have a few things nearby to do while you get a little extra sleep?

There's always something, isn't there?! I'm so glad it's better now! Good for you both!


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## vegaenglit (Aug 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mama Poot* 
[/B]

You need to nightwean her now. She is old enough to understand that Mama needs her rest. You cannot and SHOULD NOT let this damage the family dynamics in your house.

IAWTC. it was only AFTER nightweaning that my toddler started sleeping through the night


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