# Some days



## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Yesterday was the one month anniversary of my son's death. He was only 12 hours old when he died.

Some days I feel strong and other days I feel weepy all day.

I called the NICU doc yesterday and missed his return call. He said he'd try again today so I'm waiting to hear from him. I think I'm ready to ask him a few questions about our son's care.

I also missed the photographer's call to let us know that she is ready to meet so she can give us the photos of our boy. (She's with the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and came to the hospital to take photos for us). I want to see them and am glad they are ready to be picked up.

And, my DH went back to work this week. I won't go back to work for a couple more weeks so today is the first day I've been alone at home. It is weird.

I'm sure the rest of you feel the same way as I do - I just want to go back to being naive about the death of a child, I want my son to have lived and I want my sleepless nights to be because I'm caring for a month old and not because I'm reliving the nightmare of those last few moments of his birth where all hell broke loose and my "normal" life shattered into a million pieces. No matter how much superglue I can find and no matter how well I try and fit it all back together it just won't go and there will always be a big hole in our family.

Thanks for listening. Hugs to you all.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

I wish I didn't understand what you mean.. but I do.
Yesterday was 1 week.. and I actually think I feel worse as every day that passes takes me further away from the wiggly little guy in my uterus.


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## hollycat (Aug 13, 2008)

am sending you guys so much love.

i so understand processing it and figuring it out and going one moment at a time. thats all you can do right now.

looking back, i thought i was lucid and processing but i know for a fact now i was in shock for several months.

be gentle with yourselves. give yourselves whatever you need. there is much love for you.


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

Lots of hugs







The birthdays are hard, one month, two month, one year....

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollycat* 
looking back, i thought i was lucid and processing but i know for a fact now i was in shock for several months.

This was how I was a lot of the time.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Cheshire and SMR: (((HUGS))) Your losses are so new. I agree that some days are tolerable and some days I only got through them by existing second to second without thinking about anything. Whenever I closed my eyes, I would reply those horrible times over and over again. And I still do but instead of watching with horror, I watch the "movie" with love. There will always be a "hole in your family" and a place in your heart for your little ones. That will never change. It hurts so much because you loved your babies so much and made room for them in your lives. I know it is difficult. But, you will get through these hard times.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cheshire* 
Yesterday was the one month anniversary of my son's death. He was only 12 hours old when he died.

Some days I feel strong and other days I feel weepy all day.

I called the NICU doc yesterday and missed his return call. He said he'd try again today so I'm waiting to hear from him. I think I'm ready to ask him a few questions about our son's care.

I also missed the photographer's call to let us know that she is ready to meet so she can give us the photos of our boy. (She's with the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and came to the hospital to take photos for us). I want to see them and am glad they are ready to be picked up.

And, my DH went back to work this week. I won't go back to work for a couple more weeks so today is the first day I've been alone at home. It is weird.

I'm sure the rest of you feel the same way as I do - I just want to go back to being naive about the death of a child, I want my son to have lived and I want my sleepless nights to be because I'm caring for a month old and not because I'm reliving the nightmare of those last few moments of his birth where all hell broke loose and my "normal" life shattered into a million pieces. No matter how much superglue I can find and no matter how well I try and fit it all back together it just won't go and there will always be a big hole in our family.

Thanks for listening. Hugs to you all.

Cheshire, many hugs to you. How are you doing? Did you talk to the NICU doctor? I'm so glad that you have pictures of your son. I didn't know about NILMDTS at the time my son was born and died, but found out well after that a photographer friend is a volunteer for them. She hasn't done a shoot yet, but offered to retouch our photos for us. She is working on them currently. I am so thankful to have the photos, even if they are not the best quality. If you want to share them at some point, we would love to see pictures of your dear baby. I framed one so far. It sits in our living room where I can kiss his face and talk to him.

How are you doing with DH back to work? My DH also took 4 weeks off. I am so thankful that we had that time together. At 5 weeks, I returned to work part time. I found that the days home alone without DH were very difficult...and I am normally very comfortable being on my own. I found that I needed to schedule lunch with a friend or a walk with my SIL, some small event to frame my day. Otherwise, I could throw on sweats and get out of the house in the morning to take a walk, but couldn't get myself any further. It would be noon before I could drag myself into the shower.

I hope that you have lots of support around you and people who you can talk to about your baby.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hollycat* 
looking back, i thought i was lucid and processing but i know for a fact now i was in shock for several months.

Yes, definitely. I was in shock for 2 or 3 months easily. Grief takes so much longer than people think. Two steps forward and 4 steps back sometimes.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Dalene - I did get to speak with the NICU doc and he was so nice (just like I remembered from the morning our son died - I don't remember a lot of what he said that morning but I remember feeling much warmth from him). He was very patient and after our long talk he said if I thought of any other questions to call him back.

We were able to meet with the photographer and pick up our picks. There is one that I will cherish forever of my DH holding our son - the whole picture just sums up how we felt that morning.

I'm doing okay with DH being back at work. I've been working out while playing my favorite music really loud. It is a great way to burn off some grief - physically pushing myself is nice. I haven't been able to work out since the birth. I lost a lot of blood and have had to take it extra easy. But now I'm gaining my strength back.

I miss DH during the day and, as you said, I'm glad he was able to take some extra time off of work. For some reason my days seem to fly by. I'm hoping to go back to work in a couple of weeks. I have a ton of projects I'd like to get finished around the house but something always comes up and eats up my time.

Emotionally we are rolling with the grief. It comes in waves now. I just know it will always be with us and we have to move through it to learn how to live with it.

How are your days?


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cheshire* 
Dalene - I did get to speak with the NICU doc and he was so nice (just like I remembered from the morning our son died - I don't remember a lot of what he said that morning but I remember feeling much warmth from him). He was very patient and after our long talk he said if I thought of any other questions to call him back.

We were able to meet with the photographer and pick up our picks. There is one that I will cherish forever of my DH holding our son - the whole picture just sums up how we felt that morning.

I'm doing okay with DH being back at work. I've been working out while playing my favorite music really loud. It is a great way to burn off some grief - physically pushing myself is nice. I haven't been able to work out since the birth. I lost a lot of blood and have had to take it extra easy. But now I'm gaining my strength back.

I miss DH during the day and, as you said, I'm glad he was able to take some extra time off of work. For some reason my days seem to fly by. I'm hoping to go back to work in a couple of weeks. I have a ton of projects I'd like to get finished around the house but something always comes up and eats up my time.

Emotionally we are rolling with the grief. It comes in waves now. I just know it will always be with us and we have to move through it to learn how to live with it.

How are your days?

I'm glad that you are being treated well by your caregivers. The MW that was with me throughout most of my labor calls me every few weeks. I was in shock for 2-3 months after my son died and couldn't process the details until that time. I'm so thankful that I could ask questions and have her go over the details again and again. We also met with the OB who did my C/S when the autopsy results came back, and that was very helpful.

Grief comes in waves for me, too. We are coming up on 6 months soon. I think the days leading up will be difficult. We saw a baby today that may have been his age...it's hard for me to judge how old a baby is, given that Baker is my one and only. We visited his grave this weekend. There is a nearby grave with pumpkins and mums placed around it. I want to bring Baker a pumpkin, but it makes me so angry that we'll be visiting his grave and placing a pumpkin instead of dress him up in a pumpkin costume.

This grief will always be with us. I am learning that I won't "get over" my grief...I will learn how to integrate my grief into my life in ways that keep Baker close to me. DH and I talk about Baker every day and wonder what life would be like with him. I carry a small album of his pictures in my purse...whenever we go away for the weekend, I place this picture on the nightstand. I say "goodnight" to his crib before I go to bed...these small things help me get through the day and mark his place in our family. The "old me" may have thought these acts to be crutches, but as a bereaved mother, I know that they are healthy ways of coping.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I'm crying reliving it all with you two. oh my. I wish I could just be *with* you all.

sad.....and empathetic.


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## jennifer_lc1 (Sep 8, 2007)

I'm so sorry cherish. I hope peace comes to you and your family.

Dalene, I have commented to you before, and I want you to know I read your responses here and I, again, just feel some amazing amount of grief and bond to you, though we both do not know each other in the slightest.. I told you previously that there hasn't been a day pass that I don't think of you and your beautiful little Baker and that is still true today. My heart just breaks for that baby, I can't stand that this happened to you, and to anyone. Something about your story and you just sticks with me. I truly do pray for you and yours everyday. You sound like you're doing good, I hope you continue to grow and find peace.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Thank you so much, ladies.

Dalene, I agree the holidays will suck. I get angry, too, when I see baby costumes. We have a four year old, Charlie, and he was so excited about being a big brother. Our whole Halloween plans have been tossed out the window. Charlie had costumes ideas for all of us but now we've had to change them.

We'll be meeting with the midwife and docs soon to go over what happened during the delivery. It should be helpful to get more info now that a number of weeks have passed.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

Hugs to you Chesire








I am so sorry for your loss of your son.
Wishing you peace and love as you find your way.
I sincerely wish that none of us ever had to travel the road.


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## Dalene (Apr 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jennifer_lc1* 
I'm so sorry cherish. I hope peace comes to you and your family.

Dalene, I have commented to you before, and I want you to know I read your responses here and I, again, just feel some amazing amount of grief and bond to you, though we both do not know each other in the slightest.. I told you previously that there hasn't been a day pass that I don't think of you and your beautiful little Baker and that is still true today. My heart just breaks for that baby, I can't stand that this happened to you, and to anyone. Something about your story and you just sticks with me. I truly do pray for you and yours everyday. You sound like you're doing good, I hope you continue to grow and find peace.

Thanks, Jennifer. You are very kind. I really appreciate your empathy.

Cheshire, I wanted to mention that I tried my hospital's support group last night. DH and I went shortly after our son died, but we were the only people there aside from the facilitators. Last night, there were a few other parents and I found it so helpful to talk to people whose loss is recent like mine. DH and I also see a therapist who has experience working with parents who've lost babies and young children.


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