# No babies or toddlers allowed at wedding...



## bhaktimama (May 16, 2012)

My cousin is getting married, and I had RSVP'ed saying that I, my husband and 2.5 yo little one would be attending. Lo and behold I get an email 3 days before the event stating that, in the fine print on the website "children under five are not invited to the wedding" because it is "adult-oriented". I was told that I could leave my child in "an upstairs room" with a TV and bunk beds but he wasn't allowed in the ceremony or reception (an the rehearsal dinner was out too). I got angry and decided not to attend. My cousin emphasized that it wasn't personal, but that since so many of the invitees had young children they had to decide to include all or none, and they chose none. She (obviously) doesn't have children and I don't think she likes them. I feel that this is age-ism which, like sexism, homophobia and racism, should be discouraged. Has anyone else dealt with a "no kids allowed" wedding? How did you react?


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

I think it's a bride and groom's right to invite whomever they like to their wedding, and exclude whomever they like. Like any other party, sometimes kids are just not appropriate, and sometimes they are.


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## fruitfulmomma (Jun 8, 2002)

Agree with Bokonon... their wedding, they invite who they want. I would politely decline to attend. We do very little without our children so it just wouldn't work for us.


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## IsaFrench (Mar 22, 2008)

she doesn't have to invite children .... but then you don't have to attend "just because it's family" ... if the style of the wedding doesn't fit with your family life and how you prefer to live .... (better be no other family member that gives you grief about it, ... i would take any comment badly)


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## 20605 (Oct 11, 2004)

Agreed with all the above. Its her right to not invite them. You have to decide if you want to hire a baby sitter to attend or not. I don't like the leave them in the room for someone else I don't know watching them game. That usuallyends badly.


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## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

The invitiation was more than likely addressed to you and your spouse only and thus you were supposed to understand that only the two of you were invitied. You were actually in error to not recognize that your child wasn't included and to RSVP for her. I kind fo feel sorry for the bride needing to make the awkard phone call to the family member who "didn't get it."

It is quite common and your cousin has the right to invite whomever she wishes to whatever kind of event she wants to have. It has nothing to do with homophobia or anything else.

So, make peace with with the fact that she wants an adult party with adult clothes and adult talk and either RSVP with pleasure or decline because of childcare choices. But there is no reason to be angry or bitter about it.


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## McGucks (Nov 27, 2010)

It's up to her to decide how her wedding goes, and it's up to you to decide if you want to play ball or not. If it was me, I'd likely use it either as an excuse not to go (I don't like weddings, even my own) or go and take turns with DH helping out in the kiddie room.

I understand your concern about age-ism, but it's her wedding. If you find the age-ism thing offensive, you don't have to go. If you want to go, decide under what circumstances you are comfortable going that mesh with her request.


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## mamandedeux (Jan 15, 2010)

To be honest, I wouldn't want wee ones at my wedding either, and I'm all about kids. I would prefer a ceremony without having to worry about kidlets being entertained or being unruly. I'm around young children all day long, and I enjoy their company. I would just prefer, for once, to not be in ''kiddy-mode'', so I understand how someone might feel that way.

Also, I don't think this is ageism at all, no more than bars and pubs not allowing persons under a certain age. If the festivities she has in mind are not appropriate for a young crowd or kid-friendly, then it is fine to exclude that age group.

It's her party! You don't have to go.


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## Ramzubo (Aug 4, 2010)

Quote:



> Originally Posted by *fruitfulmomma*
> 
> Agree with Bokonon... their wedding, they invite who they want. I would politely decline to attend. We do very little without our children so it just wouldn't work for us.












Weddings as child-free parties are becoming more common. If you want to attend and have a night out without the kids then great, but if you're not interested or don't want to deal with finding a sitter then just decline. It's fine for them to exclude kids as long as they don't get upset when invited guest w/ kids decline.

I would not do the upstairs room thing because you and/or your dh would miss most of the wedding anyways so what's the point?


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## sewingmommy (Apr 21, 2007)

her wedding her rules


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## rachelsmama (Jun 20, 2005)

I vote option 4: pretend you didn't get the e-mail







If the absence of children is so important to her, she should have mentioned it sooner, or stated her preference in larger print, in a more prominent location.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *rachelsmama*
> 
> I vote option 4: pretend you didn't get the e-mail
> 
> ...


But like JudiAU said, if the invitation was addressed to the OP and her husband, that should have been enough. Only invited guests are welcome. Doesn't seem too confusing. I would be livid if someone brought their kids to an adult event where they were not invited and then the invitee pretended not to know that the children were not welcome. That's much more rude and inconsiderate than just not going, and why would someone want to potentially create family drama at another person's wedding? A wedding reception often costs tens of thousands of dollars - it's not for the invited guests to decide what the demographics of the party will entail.


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## rachelsmama (Jun 20, 2005)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Bokonon*
> 
> But like JudiAU said, if the invitation was addressed to the OP and her husband, that should have been enough. Only invited guests are welcome. Doesn't seem too confusing. I would be livid if someone brought their kids to an adult event where they were not invited and then the invitee pretended not to know that the children were not welcome. That's much more rude and inconsiderate than just not going, and why would someone want to potentially create family drama at another person's wedding? A wedding reception often costs tens of thousands of dollars - it's not for the invited guests to decide what the demographics of the party will entail.










If the op hadn't included her toddler on the RSVP, or the bride had said something as soon as she saw the RSVP, I'd say you had a point, but considering how weird and vague and variable the whole wedding etiquette thing is, I don't see what's wrong with thinking that toddlers get in on their parents' invitation (since they don't need a chair). I DO see a problem with waiting until after the invitee has bought a present, possibly clothes, etc... to say "oh, by the way, you guessed wrong".


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## bhaktimama (May 16, 2012)

Clarification - 1) RSVP sent well before date with statement that I and husband and toddler are coming. 2) Three days before wedding I get an email from stepmother of bride stating that I might want to "check" with the bride to see if toddler can come. 3) Email from bride with quote from wedding website about children under five not being invited. When I looked quote was halfway down the page with information for out of town guests and no note on the invitation indicating kids were banned. Being as I live in the town where the wedding is being hosted I didn't scour the page for out of town guests. 4) Further note we come from a laid back family of physicians and intellectuals from the South and have never had a family event before where all children were banned. It just isn't normal here. Nobody puts kids names on the invitation because it is understood that kids tend to go places with their parents and when I have shown up without my son people generally ask where he is!

Thanks for your insights ladies. I am a doctor and I work alot (up to 95h per week) with critically ill patients, and I am (like many of you) not interested in attending events where children aren't welcome because my time with my own is incredibly precious to me. I had a super-inclusive wedding from an ethnic, gender, sexual orientation, disability and age perspective and thought it was awesome. Everyone is different and my cousin has a different vision, so I am honoring her vision and keeping my son away. I did already buy a present and clothes, of course, but there are plenty of other parties to wear clothes to and I would have bought her a present regardless. I have done a lot of work to understand her aversion to children and think that I get it in the context of her life story. To each her own. I think that whomever said it isn't something to get upset about is right. I see the bounty and gifts that children offer and she sees the bounty and gifts that professional achievement offers and thats fine. Luckily the world is big enough for all of us!


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *JudiAU*
> 
> The invitiation was more than likely addressed to you and your spouse only and thus you were supposed to understand that only the two of you were invitied. You were actually in error to not recognize that your child wasn't included and to RSVP for her. I kind fo feel sorry for the bride needing to make the awkard phone call to the family member who "didn't get it."


Really? I realize this is _technically_ true for formal invitations but most invitations I receive are directed at myself & DH, with the understanding that DS is of course included. It can get ridiculous to address an invite to "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith and Kelly, Brian, Mike, Susie, Emily, & Baby Jane" and I don't think it's an 'error' on anyone's part to assume children are invited or excluded just because it was addressed to "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith", especially if the "no children" statement was only included in small print, on a website no less... and I'm pretty sure wedding websites don't fit in with proper etiquette!

I would not attend a wedding where children are not allowed, for multiple reasons. I wouldn't "boycott" -- I'd just politely decline, though of course if the bride/groom asked why I couldn't attend I would be honest that we don't use sitters or whatever. And yes, I might feel hurt or annoyed, but I do realize it's their party & they can invite whoever they want. I don't think it's exactly ageism but I wouldn't really want to be part of something like that either.

Luckily anyone who knows me knows that I wouldn't go to a child-free event anyway! OP, I'm sorry about your experience and especially that they waited 'til last minute to tell you!!


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Bokonon*
> 
> I think it's a bride and groom's right to invite whomever they like to their wedding, and exclude whomever they like. Like any other party, sometimes kids are just not appropriate, and sometimes they are.


Agreed.

Either get a sitter your kid loves and go. Or stay home.

Do not show up with kid in tow anyway... that would be wrong!


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

I wouldn't take your little one. That said--- what an odd cut-off line. I totally understand the concept of an "adult only" wedding, but five? You're going to have a lot less disruption from an infant than an unruly 5 year old. I wonder if there are specific children they are trying to include and this was their way of doing it? My BIL had no ring bearer at his wedding because his future bride's nephews who were that age were *hellions* and they just didn't want to have them involved (this was explained to us because there were SIX flower girls and my daughter was one but DS wasn't invited--- we didn't care, but he did wear a tux (that he had for the other BIL's wedding that same summer) and they totally included him, lol).


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## Youngfrankenstein (Jun 3, 2009)

JudiAU is right....


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## crayfishgirl (May 26, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy*
> 
> It can get ridiculous to address an invite to "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith and Kelly, Brian, Mike, Susie, Emily, & Baby Jane" and I don't think it's an 'error' on anyone's part to assume children are invited or excluded just because it was addressed to "Mr. & Mrs. John Smith"...


For my wedding where children were welcome (and 25% of the guest list!), invitations were addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Family". For my brother's wedding, which was a black tie evening function where the attendance of children was not appropriate, invites were addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". I know that my brother had to respond to people who had included children in their RSVP and explain that it was an adults-only affair, although they did this several weeks before the event. If an invitation doesn't include "and Family", I typically check (not that we attend a ton of weddings...).


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## Caneel (Jun 13, 2007)

OP - I think it is unfortunate that no one contacted you until so close to the event.

I have been on both side of this and feelings very often get hurt. Anyone that chooses to exclude children (as I did) better understand when the parents of child choose not to attend (I did) but I know understanding doesn't always flow both ways.

Not that it matters but I agree with whoever said 5 yo is sort of an odd age when considering disruption potentional as compared to other ages, I agree!

At least the bride/groom made it an across the board restriction. If you want to see hurt feelings, go to a wedding where only certain kids are invited! I am not talking about siblings or kiddos in the wedding party but the Smiths (neighbor from 10 years ago) can bring their 4yo but the Jonses' (very close friends of the grooms family) 5 yo is not welcome. I was at one of those last year, lots of hurt feelings still linger.....


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## JudiAU (Jun 29, 2008)

Formal invitation to weddings and what not are labeled the following way:

Mr. and Mrs. Rob Smith

Rob and Mary Smith

Mr. Rob Smith and Ms. Mary Bevins

(two people invited)

The Smith Family

(immediate family invited)

Older, adult-ish kids get their own invitations

You should never assume your kids are included....unless they are.

As for the OP, they may well have overlooked the inclusion of your toddler on the RSVP until they did seating assignments if they were using them. All sorts of weirdness turns up then.


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## andromedajulie (May 28, 2011)

I think this is tough on all counts, but I do agree that it's perfectly fine to have an event without children. But you are not obligated to go, or to feel bad about not going. It's your precious time. What is crappy is that they didn't tell you until 3 days before.


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## Skippy918 (Jul 15, 2008)

I would get a sitter and go. As someone who has brought a child along to a wedding, it was very difficult to watch him and have a good time. DS was less than 2 at the time.


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

i would tell her it's too last minute to find childcare and decline to go


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## motherhendoula (Feb 13, 2009)

This is one reason i just plain dont enjoy weddings - i didnt have a wedding and ive been married twice! When my cousins got married i was expected to travel to another state to attend AND leave my children behind! I didnt go, my sister, her DH, and her 2 kids all decided to go - we have both caught hell from my Aunt ever since - my sister for 'ruining Jill's wedding' and me for 'not caring enough about Jill to attend'

seriously, i just get hives thinking about upcoming weddings! LOL - my BIL is about to propose to his live in GF.....*sigh* maybe they will have a nice looooong engagement!


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## JollyGG (Oct 1, 2008)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *TiredX2*
> 
> I wouldn't take your little one. That said--- what an odd cut-off line. I totally understand the concept of an "adult only" wedding, but five? You're going to have a lot less disruption from an infant than an unruly 5 year old. I wonder if there are specific children they are trying to include and this was their way of doing it? My BIL had no ring bearer at his wedding because his future bride's nephews who were that age were *hellions* and they just didn't want to have them involved (this was explained to us because there were SIX flower girls and my daughter was one but DS wasn't invited--- we didn't care, but he did wear a tux (that he had for the other BIL's wedding that same summer) and they totally included him, lol).


I also think the cut off of age 5 is kinda bizarre. My one friend who did an adult only wedding set her cutoff at 10 or 12 which seems to make more sense to me.

But they can invite whoever they want.


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## Bokonon (Aug 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *JollyGG*
> 
> I also think the cut off of age 5 is kinda bizarre. My one friend who did an adult only wedding set her cutoff at 10 or 12 which seems to make more sense to me.
> 
> But they can invite whoever they want.


I don't know, I think 5 sounds logical, in that that's around the age many kids start school and are expected to sit still for more than a couple of minutes. Or it could just be as arbitrary as they have a family member they want to attend who is 5 (maybe the ring bearer or flower girl).


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## Nicole730 (Feb 27, 2009)

I don't look at it as a boycott. Just something I choose not to attend.


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## marsupial-mom (Feb 3, 2010)

They have the right to set the rules to their wedding. And you should decline if it doesn't fit your famiy/schedule/values/etc.

Personally, I would not go. I dislike most weddings anyway and I would dislike an adults-only wedding even moreso.

I think if you're even asking this question now, there's a good chance you won't enjoy yourself if you did go.


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## MsDolphin (Jan 5, 2010)

When we receive invitations that doesn't specifically indicate the children are invited, I ask. I agree it's the bride/groom decision to have children at their function. While your child might be behaved, there are many children that are not. How can someone know (meaning bride/groom) if everyone's children will behave or be total brats. There are lots of parents who *think* their children are behaved, when they are really brats.

Personally, I would probably not go if my DS was not able to attend.


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## MrsKoehn (May 12, 2012)

Well, to me, and in my family, that would be considered very rude. But it is her wedding and her right. Just like it's your right to forgo the wedding.


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## jes h (Jan 25, 2011)

Generally, I find weddings to be ridiculously over formalized affairs, with old traditions/language that is archaic now. For example, while it is true that if the invitation is only addressed to the couple, then the kids aren't invited, where else do we really recognize this tradition? Unless you are super upper class and attend many black tie events, how would you really know? While it is true that to follow the traditional rules of etiquette, older kids should be invited separately, they should also be addressed as 'master blah blah', right. Weird language by our standards.

I was married very young, and followed most etiquette rules. However, if we had been married now, it would be very different. BUT, it isn't about how you or I would do it!

Agree with the 'her wedding, her rules' sentiment. However, we would not attend. DH and I define family differently than the rest of our biological family, and we avoid many activities because they don't jive with our values, or are just to difficult with our family, and we include many very close friends when we talk about family, which bugs the bio-family. Conflicts like this are pretty natural when we don't actually share values with family.

However, IF I were planning a super formal event, with a family not accustomed to super formal events, I would expect that I would need to be explicit about my expectations. Putting it in small print on a website isn't exactly Martha Stewart approved.


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## onyxravnos (Dec 30, 2006)

although I personally may (and have) chosen to leave the kids at home esp if it's a super fancy black tie wedding or some other theme I feel would be better suited for it.. if children are explicitly *NOT* invite. I don't go. Period. Besides the fact that it feels extremely rude, it also assumes I have childcare which frequently I do not.

I wouldn't attend either.


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## motherhendoula (Feb 13, 2009)

OMG - i just got an invitation to my cousins wedding - not out of state - but close! and the invitation reads " adult only reception to follow'

check ..."Not Attending"


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I think the couple should get the wedding they want to have. If that means not having to hear young kids screaming during the ceremony and not having to tone down the reception to accommodate small ears then that is what they should get. I would be inclined to go because it is child free and that is something that I rarely get, I work with kids and I go home and am a mother and that is nice 99% of the time but I am happy to have that 1% when it is just adults so I can relax completely.

I think you should do what you feel is best for you and your family. Personally I wouldn't be at all offended and I think you need to make the decision about your comfort level not about them being wrong (because I really don't think they are).


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## Sharlla (Jul 14, 2005)

Yep, and sometimes that means that they wont have all their family and loved ones there. i guess you have to choose your priorities


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