# I lost a baby that no one wanted



## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

And I'm hoping that I will find some sympathy here.....I haven't even changed my signature yet, I should do that.

i was 10 weeks pregnant and started bleeding heeavily two days ago. Spent all day today in the ER and passed a clot about an inch and a half long. the ob looked at it and said it wasn't the baby, but the bleeding is sllowing down now and i haven;t passed any more clots so I'm thinking maybe that really was it?

Nobody was happy that I got pregnant, understandably.....I'm still married to my very abusixe stbx-dh but we have been separated for a while. This was casual relationshiop taht turned intense too fast, and I wound up pregnant. The father was not the greatestt guy in the world.....a step up from my husband, but not terrific.

I am gettin comments like it was for the best and it wasn't the right time to have a baby. Well, maybe not, but I grew attached to my baby that I was growing, and I wanted him/her. I even had a dream about giving birth peacefully, at home, to a beautiful baby boy.

I guess I am just looking for some validation for my pain..... I feel like I shouldn't be grieving a baby that "wan't meant to be" and I also feel SO guilty because due to circumstances I couldn't take care of myself properly. We couldn't afford to eat right....we've been moving around a lot, been a lot of stress.

No one seems to "get" it.

And maybe this is weird, but I wanted to see the baby. I need some kind fo closure or some kind of affirmation like this is really over, there's no hope, it's done. They refused to do an internal u/s so I never got to see anything on the screen.

This just really sucks. I've been drinking all night and it's starting to wear off and finally hit me and it really sucks. I can't keep drinking because there's no one else for ds except me. No matter what I have to suck it up and keep on truckin' when i would love to just lay in the bed and cry.


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## 1littlebit (Jun 1, 2008)

i'm so sorry. of course you grew attached to your baby. people are very callous.


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## ElliesMomma (Sep 21, 2006)

i'm so sorry for your loss.


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## lilbsmama (Nov 18, 2008)

oh mama i am so sorry. If *YOU* wanted the baby then by no means was the pregnancy unwanted. Take the time to let your body and mind heal.


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## frontierpsych (Jun 11, 2006)

I am truly, truly sorry. I have the stories of my losses and also my son's wonderful birth in my blog (link in my sig), you may want to read them, or not, or maybe just not now, but I hope that if you choose to you find solace and hope in them. My story is not the same as yours, but I did end up pregnant at an inconvenient time in my life and got a lot of "it's for the best" and the like as well. I am sorry for your loss.


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## SaraLe6 (Mar 4, 2009)

So sorry for your loss..







Regardless of whether it was the right time or with the right guy, every loss is devastating. No loss should ever be tossed aside as "for the best". That baby will always be a part of your heart, a part you'll never forget even after the pain fades away. A baby is a baby is a baby, no matter how small, and no matter what the circumstances, it is a devastating loss that you have every right to grief over any way you feel necessary.


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## Aubergine68 (Jan 25, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.

I have had 3 first trimester losses. It takes time to feel better, both emotionally and physically. I hope you can give yourself that time.


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## NewDirections (Jul 18, 2008)

I'm sorry for your loss and that others are not supportive. My heart goes out to you.


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## lovetomom (May 21, 2003)

I'm also sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. I hope you allow yourself the time and space to grieve and be supported in your grief.

Take care of yourself.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry







Losing a baby is ALWAYS hard no matter what the circumstances. Even if the situation wasn't ideal for a baby, it doesn't change the fact you loved and wanted him/her. I'm sorry that people aren't getting that







I hope you find the support you need here, so you can heal and find peace!








for your little one


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so sorry







The baby that I lost was also a surprise. It took a while for me to be ok with having a new baby, and then I miscarried. Take care of yourself.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

it doesn't matter the circumstance.. losing a baby is hard.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

awww, hon, your feelings are completely valid. (((hugs))) of course you deserve to grieve the loss of your baby.

your baby didn't die because you weren't eating "right" or were stressed out. if that were the case, women in horrific conditions in third world countries wouldn't be having babies either.

it's not weird that you wanted to see your baby either. i think we all want that! i lost a baby around the time you have and all during the time waiting for cramping/contractions to start, i only prayed that i could see that baby whole.


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## Authentic_Mother (Feb 25, 2007)

I am sorry for your loss and for the insensitivity of those around you.
I dont feel it's weird to want to see your baby. I unexpectedly saw my baby (who I lost at 8wks) and am SO thankful I did. It was really amazing to see him and his sac. He was so amazingly perfect even at just the size of a thumbnail he already looked like a baby!
I sure hope that you do get to see your little one - and I hope you find healing and peace as you work through things.
((hugs))


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## 3boobykins (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Our pregnancy was also a surprise. I was elated, dh was freaked out but adjusting, and the loss at 8 weeks was devastating. We hadn't told anyone in our family about the pg, but we did tell them about the m/c. They were very kind, and I love my mom to pieces, but I could tell she thought that the loss was for the best. We haven't told her we'll be TTC again, but she hinted very subtly that that wouldn't be a good idea, and although she meant well, it hurt and made me angry. She just didn't get it, having never lost a baby.

I'm very sorry that no one around you gets it. Take care of yourself.


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## Katica (Jan 13, 2008)

I`m so sorry for your loss.
Your baby was very much wanted. I`ve been following your story and I could always see how much you loved this little baby. No matter what people say, he/she felt loved.


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## lalaland42 (Mar 12, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## lovebeingamomma (Mar 16, 2007)

So sorry you didn't get to see your baby. I lost one at 11 weeks and when I was passing clots I thought, is that it? Is that it? I wanted to know too. Let yourself grieve and than move on, it can be depressing to just keep thinking about it, but I do remember it every year on the day I lost the baby, and I find it comforting to know that I will meet it one day.

Your baby was a real, precious, and loved life.


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

I always think it is so amazing that people can be so high and mighty...as if this world is like clockwork that makes sense. The phrase "It's for the best" sounds so pompous and all knowing...if things happened in that frame, babies wouldn't be born addicted to crack, or damaged from fetal alcohol syndrome, wonderful people with families depending on them wouldn't get hit by cars and teens who don't drink would not get hit by drunk drivers on their way home from a friends house. Your baby didn't die because it was "for the best"..your baby died, and YOU ARE SAD!!! Things don't always make sense to us, and no matter your situation...you lost your baby...of course you are sad. of course. Cry mama....others can't always understand what they haven't lived, and often want to make sense of that which is senseless. I am so sorry you lost your wanted baby. I'm sorry your life is so hard right now. I am truley truley sorry....and I understand.







:


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## Pam_and_Abigail (Dec 2, 2002)

A life lost is still a life lost. Take care of yourself and give yourself time and space to heal.


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## waiting2bemommy (Dec 2, 2007)

thanks everyone for your kind words. you have no idea just how much it helps to be able to log on tonight and read all your sensitive and caring posts. The only person who has shared my sadness is the baby's father. i felt I owed it to him to let him know what had happened, even though I hadn't wanted to have much contact with him when I was pregnant, and i'm glad I made to decision to call rather than email. I think it would have been very hurtful to send him that kind of news by email (which is what my family wanted me to do).

i saw the baby.

It looked like a big clot, maybe two inches long and inside it was this perfectly clear grape-looking thing. You could see where the baby's head was and at the other end I could see where the teeny tiny umbilical cord had snapped. My baby had not grown properly at all and was...deformed, I guess, and it does make me feel a little better knowing that he/she won't suffer in life, much as I would have loved even the most severely disabled child.

I couldn't bear to flush my own baby down the toilet so I buried him/her in te backyard. i'm sure my neighbors saw me and think i'm crazy now....I didn't have anything to dig a hole with so I used a stick to dig in the earth and gently laid the baby in it. After i covered him/her up I used the stick to mark it until I can plant something pretty in that spot.

after i did this, i called ds to go inside. I had not told him yet that the baby was gone (i had told him that there was a baby in my belly), or what I was doing....he was just playing outside wheil I did this. he is only 18 months. when i told him "let's go inside now" he went over to the place where the baby was and pointed and said "baby!" I didn't say anything for a second, and then he went over to it, looked at it and said, "bye bye baby. bye bye." then he turned and went into the house.

how did he know? I have no idea.


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## yarngoddess (Dec 27, 2006)

I'm so sad for your loss. No matter the circumstances, it's sad









I too am glad you called the father, I think that was good closure for you, and more meaningfull for him. I hope you continue to heal from this very sad loss.

Children are so intuned into the world around them, things they "cannot" know they always seem to know. Your DS sounds like a very special young man, and the baby you lost will always be with you both- and maybe will return to you in another body at a better time for all of you.

Blessings to you all.


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *SaraLe6* 
So sorry for your loss..







Regardless of whether it was the right time or with the right guy, every loss is devastating. No loss should ever be tossed aside as "for the best". That baby will always be a part of your heart, a part you'll never forget even after the pain fades away. A baby is a baby is a baby, no matter how small, and no matter what the circumstances, it is a devastating loss that you have every right to grief over any way you feel necessary.









:

I am so sorry for your loss mama.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. I've followed some of your threads in PAP, and you know what? Your title for this thread just isn't true. YOU wanted that baby, and it hurts so much to lose it. I lost my last pregnancy at 10 weeks, too. It was unplanned and my dh had started out wanting to terminate. It doesn't matter, it's still soo, sooo sad.


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## PoppyMama (Jul 1, 2004)

I'm so sorry you lost your little one. Inconvenience does not make a baby unwanted and your baby was not unwanted. Maybe you can plant a flower over the spot where you buried him that will be small enough for you to take with you when you eventually move on. Be kind to yourself because this was not your fault and you didn't cause this through anything you did or didn't do. These things just happen.

Take care of yourself.


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## RoseRedHoofbeats (Feb 27, 2008)

Oh, damn. *hugs*

I was 19 when I got pregnant, also by a less than stellar guy. One of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me was when he told me that maybe a miscarriage would be the best thing for all of us. =( I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I know that I would have been devastated to lose her, and that kind of comment would have sent me over the edge. I'm sorry you lost your baby. A baby is a blessing, no matter how they're made. You're supposed to feel attached and to want your baby. That doesn't change just because of circumstance.

~Rose


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## UhOhWhatNow (Jul 21, 2008)

I'm so sorry!







You wanted your baby! Therefore, your baby was wanted. I'm so sad for your loss.


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## Amy&4girls (Oct 30, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## ihugtrees (Oct 16, 2008)

I also got unexpectedly pregnant, and when I had a miscarriage, I had so many people tell me that perhaps it was for the best...it wasn't meant to be...it just wasn't the right time, etc. It was so hurtful to me. I never got to see that baby, and it still devestates me to think about.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

I'm very sorry for your loss. Your first child is so perceptive, that must have really startled you when he said "baby" and I am sending you soooooooo many gentle hugs Mama.







:


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## mommy68 (Mar 13, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *1littlebit* 







i'm so sorry. of course you grew attached to your baby. people are very callous.

I agree.







this was your child.

Children are conceived in various situations and not always the best situation for everyone involved. My first child was unplanned and unexpected and I was young. I can't imagine if the people I knew would have felt that way about my now teenage son whom I've always adored and loved so much since his conception in a not so ideal situation at that time.







People can be so harsh.

Take care of yourself.


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## Cuau (Jul 27, 2006)

Sweetie, I've been thinking about you and just saw this today, hugs to you. I'm glad that you were able to see/hold your baby!!! And yeah, little ones are very aware of things even when they are that young.
take good care of yourself.


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