# 6 year old tantrum/sibling trouble



## mamaloves04 (Jun 19, 2014)

I have this problem in our home between my 9 year old daughter and 6year old son. DS is a very sensitive, hyper child. He has a problem of whining and fighting all the time. I am talking at least 10 times an hour, every single time something doesn't go his way. As a result of this DD wants nothing to do with him. I ask her to show compassion and play with him most of the time she will for a short time but then stops and says she doesn't want to be with him because of the way he is acting. I don't force her, she isn't mean to him but doesn't want spend her time with him when he is acting up. Very understandable.
I feel like this is a good natural consequence for him as well lesson learned, if you act pleasant then others will want to spend time with you, if you act unpleasant then they won't. The problem is that this has been going on for years and not getting better. he is just not getting it.
our whole family is so tired of the behavior. I feel trapped and can't take him any where. We are starting back to homeschool this year after a year in public school. On a side note we do live in a very small house with our 3yo and 9 month old as well. We can't change this right now. I do try to give them as much space as possible but there is only so much I can do so they have to learn to deal with what we have. What to do???


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

Has he seen any sort of therapist? That sounds extreme and something may be going on. If nothing else, a good therapist will hopefully be able to give you the tools you need to address his behavior constructively. I'm not suggesting you jump to medication, but at least getting pointed in the right direction for how to handle this.

Have you looked into his diet at all? Sensitive children can be particularly sensitive to food, and diet can make a huge impact on behavior, you may want to look into recognizing problem foods. Cure Your Child With Food is a pretty decent starting point.

It sounds like you're handling the situation with your daughter well- encouraging compassion and also respecting her boundaries for how long she's willing to put up with the behavior. It would be better if they could get along more, but siblings aren't always close and this could happen even if there weren't any behavior problems.


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## mamaloves04 (Jun 19, 2014)

We haven't seen a therapist. Dh is pretty against it, unfortunately he works a lot and doesn't see all that I do. We have tried different food eliminations. We worked withan allerginist trying to solve some skin problems and saw no results. 

I feel so hopeless.


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

It sounds like you really need to see some sort of therapist, then, or at least a specialist. Can you talk to your pediatrician about getting him referred to someone with a title your husband will accept?


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## tadamsmar (Mar 26, 2014)

mamaloves04 said:


> I have this problem in our home between my 9 year old daughter and 6year old son. DS is a very sensitive, hyper child. He has a problem of whining and fighting all the time. I am talking at least 10 times an hour, every single time something doesn't go his way. As a result of this DD wants nothing to do with him. I ask her to show compassion and play with him most of the time she will for a short time but then stops and says she doesn't want to be with him because of the way he is acting. I don't force her, she isn't mean to him but doesn't want spend her time with him when he is acting up. Very understandable.
> I feel like this is a good natural consequence for him as well lesson learned, if you act pleasant then others will want to spend time with you, if you act unpleasant then they won't. The problem is that this has been going on for years and not getting better. he is just not getting it.
> our whole family is so tired of the behavior. I feel trapped and can't take him any where. We are starting back to homeschool this year after a year in public school. On a side note we do live in a very small house with our 3yo and 9 month old as well. We can't change this right now. I do try to give them as much space as possible but there is only so much I can do so they have to learn to deal with what we have. What to do???


You say at least 10 times an hour. But you say she only plays with him for a short time. So he is whining and fighting with other as well, no just his sister?

How do you and the other members of the family react to his whining? How do you and the other family members react to his fighting?

More details about the interactions would be helpful.

I agree that seeing a therapist would be a good thing to try, but sounds like that might not happen since the father is against it.


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## mamaloves04 (Jun 19, 2014)

It is mostly an issue within our family. He went to kindergarten and did great! His teacher said he was obe of his best and happiest students.

I would like to say that I do not believe that ny kids have to be best friends but they do need to be polite and civil with each other.

He throws a fit if anyone (family) tells him no or asks him to do something he doesn't want to do. I try ny hardest to say yes to as much as I can. 

I can give an example: last night my daughter had a friend spend the night. I xan understand how he would feel left out so we told him he could rent The Lego Movie and watch it together, plus he is going on a camping trip just him in a few weeks. 

I asked him to come out of Dd s bedroom and leave the girls alone. He started stomping his foot yelling uts not fair.I reminded hin about his special things he was getting and to please stop yelling because his younger sibling were asleep ( my 9 month old is a very light sleeper and if she is woke up she will be awake for hours! ) if she was woke up we cant watch our movie. he continue d to yell and woke up the baby. Yes I was mad. I didn't yell but did speak firmly. I told him because the baby was awake now we couldn't watch the movie, please brush your teeth and get your book and I will read your story (while I desperatly try to get the baby back to sleep) there wad a lot more whining and complaining. To the point I had to take his arm lead him to bed read a few pages and close the door. I understand that it was close to bed time and that probabky had a lot to do with it. But honestly this behavior happens all the time. 

He is a VERY picky eater and I often think he is hungery. But refuses most food I offer (wants crackers and stuff like that I keep a well stocked pantry with good food fruit, cheese, yogurt homemade bread nut butters etc. For snacking at your pleasure)


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## mamaloves04 (Jun 19, 2014)

We are starting back to homeschool this year andbtrying to get into a routine.


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## mamaloves04 (Jun 19, 2014)

I forgot to say that I do want to talk to a pediatrician about it but we juet moved th. Fall and DS doesnt have an esestablished pedi only his allergist. Is this the type of thing you can talk about when the doc dosnt really know the child? We ledt or pe. Of 9 years when we moved


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## sillysapling (Mar 24, 2013)

Why are you going back to homeschooling if he's doing so well at school?

Is school out for the summer yet? Either way, can you get in touch with the teacher and try to work out what the difference may be? If he's not out of school yet: There _are_ kids who are angels in the classroom, bottling everything up, only to explode once they get home. Could this be a severe form of that? Laura Markham has advice on surviving the time when kids get home that may help- http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/Arsenic-Hour

You may want to ask Laura Markham, she has a forum section on here.

At some point, you may have to get your child to a therapist, though, and the sooner you can the better. I'm really concerned that your husband is so resistant to it. Can you find out if there are specific reasons that you can address? Some parents don't want their kids to feel stigmatized by taking them to a therapist, so finding the right one is important.


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## mamaloves04 (Jun 19, 2014)

We are homeschooling because we don't agree with the quality of acedemics offered in the public school. 

He feels like therapy is a cop out for lazy parenting. (Yes I know this is crazy)


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## Catholic Mama (Nov 7, 2006)

Your son needs to learn that life isn't fair. Maybe you don't need to try so hard to say 'yes' to him.

Some people start a jar and put change in it every time they cuss to try to stop cussing. Maybe you could do something similar for your son or have another penalty for whining like picking up a certain number of toys, or writing lines ("I will not ___" or "If I can't say anything nice, I won't say anything at all").

There are plenty of parents who use therapy who are not lazy. My parents weren't the best parents, but they weren't the worst either, and when I started bipolar episodes in my late teens, they brought me to therapy. After I had postpartum depression, I went to therapy. Now that I still have bipolar disorder and I still have issues to talk about regarding parenting and marriage, I still go to therapy. Hopefully there is someone affordable in your area your husband can agree to let you and your son talk to.

It probably wouldn't hurt to bring this up with the new pediatrician. He could at least refer you to someone if he doesn't know what to do.


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## tadamsmar (Mar 26, 2014)

Does he have any playmates? He seems to want to have some playmates.

Read the book Kazdin Method, that should help.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

mamaloves04 said:


> We are homeschooling because we don't agree with the quality of acedemics offered in the public school.
> 
> He feels like therapy is a cop out for lazy parenting. (Yes I know this is crazy)


I don't have the good fortune to have to manage all these siblings. It really sticks out to me that you say that this child did well in kindergarten and has trouble playing with his siblings at home.

Either he felt supported by the structure in kindergarten or he found it easier to adjust to playing with his age peers. Or maybe he's showing his negative feelings more at home, where it's safe.

No matter what the reason, if he did better in school, you will need to provide the positive things school did--the structure, the playtime, the opportunities to socialize with other kids his own age--during the summer and during homeschooling time. (Maybe not just age mates, but specifically male age mates?) He might need time to run around or to do some of the favorite activities they did in kindy. What resources do you have in terms of homeschooling groups, scouting, and out of the house activities?

If you think your son needs to see a children's therapist, then insist. Do you have some ideological reason to honor your husband's objections when they sound off to you? It's OK to insist if you think it will help.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

It agree with the pp who suggested not going out of your way to say yes. Doing so may reinforce to him that he should always get his way. I would also not intervene in the sibling relationship and see if that helps. He probably did better behavior wise at school because he wanted to fit in and realized that nobody caters to you when you whine and throw a fit so changing his behavior was necessary to get what he wanted from.friends and the teacher. That is something you can replicate to some extent at home. When he first starts to have a fit you might find it helpful to ask him what his teacher would say. I used that and it sometimes worked to make dd think of alternatives and I have parents in my class tell me they use it and it works too.

Dd started tantrums late and ended them later than many. I found it very helpful to talk about what a tantrum was, how it disturbed others, and make a rule about quiet play in community areas. If dd wanted to throw a tantrum about not getting her way that was fine but it wasn't allowed in the living room, dining room, or kitchen. I empathized with her anger and reminded her of the rule.


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## tadamsmar (Mar 26, 2014)

You have a complicated situation because you have a baby and a problem 6 year old and limited help from your husband.

If when daughter had a problem with 6 year old, if she left for 5 minutes and came back and resumed play, that would probably change the 6 year old's behavior over a week or two. She could go to her room and close the door if need be. But would she do that?

You could offer to negotiate with him, he is old enough to do that. Give him a chance to come up with solutions. If he has a few successes with that, that might help. Also, when he gets angry and yells, be stubborn about following through with actions, but don't debate, argue, or get into a verbal battle of wills. Show him that yelling and anger gets him nothing and collaborative problem solving is better for him. (Always keep the door open to collaborative problem solving with him long-term even if it does not work at first.)

You could use planned ignoring, not try to calm him down, just make sure he gets nothing, no attention or face-time for yelling and anger. That could change him in two weeks, but you'd have to deal with the baby waking up, but that might be the best alternative. A white noise machine near where the baby sleeps might help.

Also if he ever behaves well, even in a small way, show him you notice, talk with him about it when he engages in behavior that you want. Ask him to help in small ways and give him attention in the context of his being kind and helpful.


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## EnviroBecca (Jun 5, 2002)

I just saw this thread. How is it going now?

My son also tends to be demanding and annoying and expecting to get his own way all the time, and he has been this way for years. He didn't have a sibling until recently, but he and his father clash frequently over this. He also has been better behaved at school (or in other peer situations) than at home. In fact, when he was in first grade, his father and the grandfather of his friend who's also a demanding only child agreed to have the kids take turns playing at each other's homes after school as often as possible because they were so much less annoying and demanding together than they were separately!

Based on my experience, I want to reiterate that it is NOT helpful to "say yes to as much as I can" when that means saying yes at anyone else's expense, for example giving him a privilege you wouldn't give his sister or forcing yourself to do what he wants when you are sick of his behavior. You may need to be firm about consequences to the point that you feel like you're being mean, to get him to understand that unpleasant behavior doesn't get him what he wants.

We have had some success recently with a token system. Our son loves to watch television, and that has always been the reward that makes the most difference with him. When he behaves in a positive way, we give him a token (drop a tiddly wink into a shot glass) and thank him for doing that specific thing. 3 tokens=half hour TV show.

About school: Academic learning is important, but so is social learning. School is only one part of children's lives; they still spend lots of hours at home and still are able to learn there. My schools were academically imperfect, and probably half my intellectual growth happened outside of school, but going to school taught me a lot about how to cope with being among people who are different from my family and may not love me as much as my family does. For my son, it's been very clear that being part of a group under the authority of less-than-perfect adults helps to diminish his delusions of grandeur. If school was working for your son, and you're still struggling a few months into this school year, it might be worth considering putting him back in school.


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