# Curfew and lying -- consequences



## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

I have rarely had to create consequences for my daughter, so this is new territory for me. She is 15 1/2. Currently, her curfew is midnight. Before she leaves, I expect a general idea of what she is doing/where she is going. However, if she doesn't know, that is ok. She does need to say that they don't know yet what they are doing. My theory is that by pushing to know everything, that is encouraging lying simply to provide me with an answer. I do trust her. She doesn't have a boyfriend currently. She only has one friend with a license, and I think that friend is pretty great. So, I don't worry much. 

Last night, she didn't make it home until 12:35ish. She texted at 11:55 saying that her (driving) friend got sick at the movie and that someone else was giving her a ride home. I offered to pick her up. The theater that is usually chosen is about 10 min away. She said they ended up at this other theater (30 min away). I asked what movie they saw, and realized that she was lying about what they did. I told her to not rush--getting home safe was most important. 

When she got home, I asked for the ticket stub. She said her friend had it. I asked which showing they went to, but her answer was vague. It also wasn't anywhere close to when that movie actually played. I told her that something wasn't adding up with her story. She said that they really went to Z's house to hang out. I told her I was disappointed that she lied to me, and that we would discuss consequences in the morning. 

I don't want to over react or under react. I think we have two issues. First, she lied. This bothers me the most even though I know that it is normal for teens to lie sometimes. This really bugs me because I am still not sure if I got the real story. I don't know why it would matter to me if she hung out at Z's house. Second, the curfew was broken. She didn't attempt to contact me until 5 min before she was due home. I am not an unreasonable person. If there was a reason to be out later--solid plans-- I would most likely be ok with it. 

I am thinking that she should be grounded for a week (lying), and I will move her curfew back some for being late. She will need to come home on time two weekend in a row before she gets her midnight curfew back. 

I would like feedback on this. Is it extreme? Is it not enough? How do you handle these things in your homes? I am curious. 

Thanks, 

Amy


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## happydaze (May 13, 2015)

You are quite generous having a midnight curfew for a 15-year-old. That's not something you see in our city. Perhaps this is due to our state's driving laws. Teens must be driving a full year before they can transport anyone under 25 and they can't drive past 10 on weekdays or 11 on weekends. Do you know the state regulations in your area? 

I'd be concerned about the lying. I'd be worried that alcohol was involved as they were at the friend's home, she was "too sick" to drive her guest home and your DD didn't want you to pick her up. I don't think you have enough to warrant a public accusation but I'd certainly be keeping an eye on things and start a dialogue if you haven't already been doing this. Even kids you like do stupid things sometimes.

I don't know how useful grounding is. First infraction, the natural consequence is that your trust in her is shaken. If you can't fully trust her then she'll need to be giving you confirmable plans with a curfew reasonable to each event. You don't need to be out at midnight if you went to a 6pm movie 10 minutes away. If they are hanging out at a home, will a parent be there? Is this something you can confirm? If she breaks curfew again or lies about where she is going then ceasing these sort of social outings until trust is rebuilt is quite reasonable. "Grounding" always seems to punish the family more than the kid and it's not always easy to follow through on when the family schedule is chaotic. 

Our eldest teen didn't have an issue with coming home past the agreed upon time until just before she left for college. At that point, punishment seemed moot. Our being worried made her feel bad enough and she's been very respectful since. My other child is 14 and like I said prior, you don't really see kids in our city hanging out late at night until 17 and up because that is the earliest they can drive each other. Younger teens are still driven by parents and it's more difficult to lie about where you go and break curfew in those cases.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Thanks for the reply Happydaze. It gives me food for thought. Our driving laws aren't as strict here. The first 6 months are very strict--no passengers under 20 unless they are immediate family. Until they have been driving for 12 months, they can't transport people under 20 between 1 and 5 AM. I could be wrong, but I don't think it was drinking. I think the "sick friend" thing was a lie too so that she could ride home with someone else. "Z" is her friend's boyfriend and I am thinking they wanted to be alone for awhile, or perhaps they were trying to set my daughter up with the fourth person. He is too old for her (in our opinion). 

I did end up doing the grounding part. I am hoping that it will just slow things down for a bit. The grounding is only restricting her freedom to go places. It doesn't affect anything else. Her prior committments (two babysitting jobs, and one daytime thing helping a different friend for about an hour) will be honored. She does seem to feel bad about violating my trust. She really feels like the curfew is too early, and "doesn't regret staying out late." I didn't reduce her curfew this time, but instead made it clear what would happen if violations happened again. I don't want anger to be the force behind my actions. I want her to realize that part of getting priviledges is being responsible. If you aren't, then this is what happens. 

I am really curious about curfews in our area. I know that things aren't as crazy as when I was in high school--no driving restrictions at all and lots of people had really late curfews. However, I would love to know (just to know) what people do now. 

Even though this event is over, I would love to hear from some more people. 

Thanks


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## moominmamma (Jul 5, 2003)

As the parent of two girls who were living partly or fully on their own by age 16, my perspective on curfews is a little different. I know from experience how close to adulthood teens are, and how short-lived our parental influence will be. I also remember from my own adolescence how illusory parental control is: any teen who is even occasionally unsupervised (i.e. any teen) can, if determined, do anything she wants. 

I treat my teens as much as possible like the adults they will become. Adults don't have curfews. They don't get punished by their loved ones if they don't come home when they said they would. If an adult lies to her family about where she is, or worries them by not communicating about what she's doing and when she'll be back, that's a relationship issue. So it is with my teens. 

So we don't have curfews. Nor, do I think, do the majority of my teens' friends. What is the norm here are case-by-case agreements, open to revision. In the age of cellphones there is absolutely no reason why logistical wrinkles and changes of plans can't be communicated and expectations adjusted. I think a hard-and-fast curfew may have made sense generations ago when teen recreation was often outdoors and away from any form of electronic communication, telephones or otherwise. In those days being where you said you'd be when you said you'd be there was the only way to keep someone from worrying. Now, though? Just call. Or text.

In your situation I think I would have waited a couple of days to get myself calmer and more grounded, then taken my kid out for coffee and a chat. I would apologize for whatever I had done to contribute to a situation where she felt dishonesty was the most reasonable option at the time. I'd say that I understand that I can't control what she does, and that I really just want to support her and keep her happy and safe as she grows into adulthood. As such, my parenting needs to evolve, and maybe it just hasn't been keeping up. I'd like some feedback from her about what she needs from me, whether boundaries or more flexibility or a combination. Because I know she's smart and capable and responsible and trustworthy at her core, and if she's not always behaving 100% that way, something is getting in the way, and it might be me. I'd explain that it's scary as a parent to realize that you can no longer protect your child through direct control of her behaviour and her environment, so I'm dealing with that anxiety. But I know we have to keep moving forward, so I'm working on it.

Miranda


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Our city has a curfew of midnight for any one under 18, and having once discussed this in the middle of the night with a police officer, I've asked my DD to be home by midnight until she turns 18 (solely so I don't have to discuss parenting with the police). 


If a similar thing happened with my DD as happened with yours, I would be more concerned about why she thinks she needs to lie. I'm a very mellow parent, and mostly I just want my kids to be SAFE. For me, it is super important to build the kind of relationship with my teens where they feel they can tell me what is going on, and that I will be on their side. So, while I'm not sure exactly what I would do, I would try to find a way to use the situation to work on my relationship with my teen rather than pretending that I could control her.


My parents worked very hard at controlling me, and it really didn't work in huge ways that weren't even safe for me. I'm working more on helping both my DDs learn to make good decisions for themselves for their own internal reasons. It makes since to me that my primary goal of Their Personal Safety should be a shared goal, and that the are best served by learning to navigate the larger world while still living at home where I can come and get them if they need to bail out of situation. 


(The switch from singular to plural is because I have one DD under 18, and one DD who is still a teen but legally an adult).


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

Kinda off topic, but how do city-wide curfews work, exactly? Can a teen be out after midnight with a parent? Another legal adult? I worked later than midnight on weekends for most of my teen years; are there exemptions for jobs?


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## happydaze (May 13, 2015)

I would guess it depends on the state and city. In our city, a teen under 18 would not be allowed to work after midnight. In fact, they can't work past 10 pm. It's a violation of the work permit they must obtain and the company must sign. I'm sure there are companies that violate those terms but they could be in serious legal trouble if they get caught.

Teens can be out with a parent past midnight. Cops don't go around looking for curfew breakers but they will card you especially if you're loitering around public places. Certainly, if you get pulled over driving past the curfew without holding a license a full year you will be ticketed and your provisional license threatened.

Of course, we live in a large city with some dangerous areas. I'm sure things like curfews and where/when teens hang out is different in smaller or more rural areas.


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## AAK (Aug 12, 2004)

Thanks for the additional replies. I don't think I was ever not calm. I waited until the next day because I didn't want to do something on impulse that I would regret later. I didn't want to wait a couple days because I didn't want my daughter to feel trepidation. When my parents got mad, the whole house felt it, and everyone walked on eggshells. I don't want my kids to feel that way ever; thankfully, I don't handle anger like my mom. In this case, I wasn't ever really mad. I was annoyed that she was out so late, and upset that she lied to me. We have one of the best mother/teen relationships that I have ever seen. I know that I was very good at getting around my parent's controls. Therefore, I try not to control, but to guide. This curfew was created mostly because she asked what her curfew would be. Having it depend on what she was planning to do didn't seem right for her. She wanted a time. I think she found the flexible way to be more restrictive because I think she thought that it would require her to have more firm plans about what she was doing. 

As I think about everything, it is amazing how much our own backgrounds play into how we handle the teen years. I just deleted a bunch of ramblings on this idea. . . thanks for everyone's thoughts. I will be sitting down with dd for a conversation (not lecture) so that we can both feel good about her going out at night. 

Amy


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

Thanks, Happydaze, and sorry for the sidetrack. I've been curious for awhile.

Amy~I think you handled that reasonably and with good balance. I would have been bothered more by the lying than the lateness as well. Our oldest (14) doesn't have a set curfew unless she has to be up early for something, or I'm driving them and I have to. 

I'd like to hear your ramblings on it if you feel like sharing them. I've gotten off easy on making some of these decisions so far-dd is the youngest in her group and the only two who drive are much older so we don't have to make the call on allowing her to ride with another teen with no experience, etc., but I'm sure it'll come up eventually.


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## Ragana (Oct 15, 2002)

stormborn said:


> Kinda off topic, but how do city-wide curfews work, exactly? Can a teen be out after midnight with a parent? Another legal adult? I worked later than midnight on weekends for most of my teen years; are there exemptions for jobs?


Side note - I looked this up for our town, because I don't remember how it was when I was a teen, other than curfew was definitely enforced by the police, and friends were taken home in the back of a squad car.

Kids are not allowed out by themselves between 10pm and 6am on weeknights and 11pm and 6am on weekends, with exceptions if they are with a parent, coming to/from a job, etc.


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