# Did you regret having your mother at the birth?



## acupuncturemomma (Dec 31, 2005)

My mom and I are close, but I'm still pretty private about certain things with her. I knew I wasn't comfortable having her at our first birth ( I don't feel that I can be completely uninhibited around her), but now we have DD to think about--meaning, I think we might ask my mom to come be with her during DC#2's birth.

DD and her grandma are close, and she really is the only person available who I'd fully trust to be around as a caretaker during our next birth.

We are planning another homebirth; we have a guest bedroom/bathroom in our detached garage so DD and grandma could spend time out there while labor & birth are happening. Haven't thought yet about whether we want DD there, but probably for portions. I'm only 5 wks pg, so there's plenty of time to decide!

My mom travels a lot, so I'd like to give her a good long heads-up if we decide to ask her to come. I know she'd be honored.

Just wondering if there is anything special we should consider before we ask her; any experiences shared would be helpful!


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## wombatclay (Sep 4, 2005)

Well, my mom was nearby during my first birth and it didn't really bother me... I knew I didn't want her "right there" but I was ok with her being "close by".

Then when I got pregnant with dd2 she made this really, really, REALLY hurtful comment about how loud I had been during dd1's birth. This was just a few weeks before dd2's birth and it not only hurt and made me angry, it made me very worried about how I'd "appear" to others during dd2's birth. Which was something that had _never_ bothered me up till that comment.

We had asked her to care for dd1 during dd2's birth and she arrived at our home shortly after we called her (I'd been laboring for about 5-6 hours by then) and although we had planned to labor at home much longer, I decided I wanted to go to the hospital since her being there was very difficult for me. I just couldn't relax with her there.

Now, I'm pretty sure that the tension was entirely due to her comment (and the way it made clear that she was not as natural birth supportive as I had thought/she had expressed prior to the birth). But it's something to think about... while she may make the perfect companion for your older child, and I understand wanting your older child to share in portions of the birth (we're planning a homebirth for babe3 in August), you might want to examine the reasons behind why you didn't want her there for your first birth. Those reasons may still hold and you might want to arrange for your mom to attend your child someplace other than your home...

Oh, we're planning on asking a few of our friends to provide possible child care backup (sort of "play date"-ish for our older dd1), and DH's mom is coming in from out of town in a rental RV so that the girls can come and go but we wont necessarily have more people "in the house".


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## JesiLynne (Aug 25, 2004)

I loved my mom being there, she had homebirths for 3 outta 5 of her kids, and she was a great help. Kinda like a doula, and the only thing that bugged me was she read from Psalms and Psalms makes me cry all the time








This time around she knows to not to read from there.


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## jrabbit (May 10, 2008)

I'll let you know in a few days! Seriously, it never occurred to me that I might want her at my birth, but shortly before christmas, we had an interesting conversation, and now she's HERE! Waiting ... I'm soooooooo late, but we're still optimistic that I'll have the baby before they have to go home.

My concerns are all based on me just not knowing if she "can" be here without being negative. But I confronted her up front by telling her all the things that I know will happen: I will be naked, I will be uninhibited, I will not be talking to "her", my kids get front row seats, she will not be allowed to be negative, our MW is extremely knowledgeable and trained, and the placenta will be cut after a couple hours. Thanks for reminding me about being loud, though - I need to make sure she knows that, too! We are also going to tell her that at any time, she may be asked to leave by me, DH or MW.

But as negative as all of that sounds, I'm really optimistic. She's an MD, and it's HUGE that she's willing to have an open mind and be here. She held a grudge about not being invited to the other births, but now that we've talked, it really seems like she's ok with it all. Oh - and she's *not* here to take care of my kids - we've hired someone for that. She's only here because I think it has the potential to be inspirational for her, great for my girls, empowering for us all, and has the potential to strengthen our relationship. But I also don't have any silly notions that she'll be this nurturing mother at the birth. If she is, then that will be icing on the cake.

best wishes
--janis


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## pinksprklybarefoot (Jan 18, 2007)

I would have regretted it. When I got pregnant, I thought that I would definitely want my mom there. I changed my mind on that, and I am glad that I did. She just worries and freaks out too much. I liked having it as a private (as private as you can get in a hospital room - our homebirth plans went awry) moment between DH and I.


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## leafwood (Jun 15, 2004)

Well, the good thing is that you have time!

From my experience, I knew I wanted my mom...both times, and I wouldn't have changed a thing about that. We are very close, she is close with dh as well, and she is an RN. She is my biggest fan, a very spiritual and powerful woman, and she is a wonderful listner. We talked a lot before each birth...about what I wanted, didn't want, etc. She read anything and everything I gave her. When my first birth didn't go how I had hoped (epi, pit, tear, etc.) I asked her to really help me mentally and emotionally prepare. We sat together and did several meditations and for one we processed her experience birthing me...it was AMAZING! She talked about her real expereince, the things you don't write in the baby book. How scared she was, her regrets, how she felt like a failyre having a section...how the medical intervention she received was in direct conflict with what her body was telling her. It was so helpful for both of us!

This time as dh supported me through each contraction she was right there...making sure he had what he needed so he could be there for me. Watching me for cues and responding calmly. As I began to transition she sat and I could feel her grounding the space which was wonderful. In the earlier stages of labor I could count on her to calm me if I had questions about the medical/hospital stuff and she was my advocate in that regard. Thankfully this particular hospital was totally hands off, but I never worried for a second about that b/c I knew that in an emergency she would be right there as a nurse, knowing what questions to ask, etc.

So that was my experience. The second time around my dad was with dd. I tried to labor at home for as long as posisble but she was 3y and it was a big challenge. My dad was also at the first birth (dd's....standing in the doorway so as not to "see anything") and I'm sorry he missed this one but he wanted to be with dd and it was a good set-up.

My final thought would be to encourage you not to think too much about it, but pat ayyention to your feelings/intuition. We can rationalize a lot ginen the opportunity and from my experience the birth process is not a very rational process!


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## Patchfire (Dec 11, 2001)

I never thought I'd want my mother at my births. It wasn't that I actively didn't want her there, it just... did not occur to me.

I never would have made it through my first birth (hospital birth) without both her AND dh. She was only there for the last 30 minutes with ds's birth, but once she was, it was like everyone else was just an annoyance. And then she and dh were there for my UC, and honestly? Dh was almost too 'attentive.' My mom was the right combination of calm vs. getting tasks done (like getting me water, et cetera). People talk about doulas 'mothering the mother' and that is exactly what my mom did - she mothered me. Which seems very appropriate.









I really hope that both she & I will be allowed to be present at _my_ daughters' births!


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## Amila (Apr 4, 2006)

With my first I was pretty insistent on just having DH there (hospital birth). I didn't want anyone else in the room. (Even though I am VERY close to my mom)

My second was a homebirth and my mom was here to watch DD. She never wanted to actually *see* the birth, and it kind of weirded me out so that wasn't the plan. But when I was pushing she came running in and had this huge urge to watch and I was like "I don't care!" so she actually watched Gavin be born.

The thought of my mom seeing my vagina kinda freaks me out, but whatever- I'm cool with it


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## JesiLynne (Aug 25, 2004)

My mom seeing me naked makes me a little uncomfy now, but I won't care when it happens.


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## eli's mama (Jan 8, 2005)

Like you I am close to my mother, I also knew I didn't want her at my first birth, I really wanted it to be between DH and I and we had a perfect perfect experience. We called her as soon as we could though to let her know what was happening and she arrived around 10 minutes after the birth. That was great. But for my second, I needed help with ds1 and I wanted DH to be free to assist me. So we had pre-arranged that my mother would be the one we called if we needed help. Things went way faster with my second and I didn't realize how far I'd progressed and was unable to get to DH on the second floor of our house but the phone was handy so I dialed my mom, she came right over and instantly called the midwife. But I was already ready to push and my mother panicked. Like freaked out. I can remember yelling at her to stop it and I was very upset that she had acted that way and very much wished I'd made other arrangements. She just doesn't handle situations like that very well, luckily I knew I was in complete control and had every confidence in myself, I didn't really need her support so her flipping out had no impact on the actual birth, just kind of pissed me off. So I regret having her there under those circumstances, and we are looking at our other options for the birth of our 3rd in July.


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## La Sombra (Sep 27, 2007)

What a great question--one that plagued me, too, right up until the the very end of my pregnancy! Now my sister did not have our mom (or anyone other than her dh and the midwives) at her births and we talked about that, and about how she'd feel kind of inhibited around everyone when she wanted to feel free and all that. I totally related and kind of thought I'd lean that way. I knew, too, however, that it would have meant a lot to my mom to be there for my birth (and sis's, too, for that matter). So I kept kind of putting off giving her an answer till the end, when I said she could come but I warned her that I might ask her to leave in the middle of it depending on how I felt. (Of course in our situation, my mom lives really close, so changing my mind like that wouldn't have been a big deal, really).

Well, it happened that my labor was super long and difficult and EVERYONE was so exhausted that having my mom (and my dear sister) there was a GODSEND. If had just been me and dh, it would have been waaaaay harder. My mom was a great, patient, encouraging support and I feel so glad that she was there. When my daughter was born, she was right there, and we were all crying. It was very powerful. She had a couple minutes in there after I gave birth but then we shooed her and everyone else out so dh and I could bond with our new baby... It was perfect.


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I was very concerned about it before my first birth. I had elaborate plans of who was to keep her in check if need-be, including calling in friends that would not otherwise attend the birth.

It was fine. She was great. Out of my way yet supportive.

-Angela


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## Limabean1975 (Jan 4, 2008)

I am close with my mom, but there is still some volatility in our relationship. Also, she is a worrier and a talker - she'd be fussing at the midwife, saying "shouldn't this?" and "shouldn't that?", and also talking about other things...she talktalktalks about her family, friends, co-workers.
FOr my first, she was down the hall (at the hospital) in a waiting room, invited in shortly after the birth. That worked out. Then she stayed at our place for 2 weeks and we really relied on her....but I don't know if I want her around for post-partum help this time! Looking back at all the stress, PPD, lack of rest that I had, I realize that her presence was a major factor - I don't *blame* her, it's just that she desperately wanted people to visit and see DS, and she talked on the phone alot, etc. Having been through it all now, I look back and realize the value of a babymoon (a period of rest without visitors). This article illustrates it well.

So this time, I am planning a homebirth, and have asked a friend to be DS's person - she'll be here to care for and entertain him, take him out if needed, bring him in to see the birth if he wants.
I am torn about what to do for post-partum help. I don't want my mother - but I KNOW we need someone. DH alone will not be able to tend to me, care for DS, and run the house (meals, etc). I cannot think of anyone who would be available other than my mom. *Sigh*. I don't know what to do!
eta: if some money magically appeared, I would consider hiring someone - a sort of post-partum doula but more for household duties than mothercare. But I don't even know if there's anyone around here who does that sort of thing.


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## Eman'smom (Mar 19, 2002)

Having my mom at dd's birth was a HUGE mistake, HUGE. Dd's homebirth was the most perfect wonderful thing you could imagine except for her being there







.

With Ds and Dd1 we didn't even tell her I was in labor, we just called her after the babies were born. For some reason with number 3 (and our first HB) I felt the need to have "live in" help with the older kids. I also didn't know about how labor would go and felt guilty/worried about calling friends in the middle of night for help, so I wanted someone there for the kids. I was 110% clear from the begining about her role, how it was to be with the older kids, period. Well guess what, that was a huge failure on every level. After dd's birth, dh was the one tending to the older kids, making juice ect, you name it she was usless.

Then like someone else said the hurtful comments started I heard her on the phone to two different people after dd's birth saying things like "well there was a lot of screaming....." Not once did she say how cool it was that I caught my own baby, that I pushed her out in one push, how in love dd1 was with her younger sister, how amazing it was at home, nothing. Just I was loud







.

Honestly if I had to do it all again I would have taken one of our friends up on the many offers to call anytime day or night and not worried about it. I won't even get into the days after the birth which were even worse.


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## Amber Lion (Sep 22, 2006)

I did not regret having my Mom present for labor and the birth of my DD and the 2 weeks after she was born.

I wasn't sure I wanted her to be there for the birth, but as it got closer I decided I'd call her when I was in labor and if she made it in time I'd decide then (she had a 7 hr drive). Well, my water broke first thing so I had plenty of warning and she actually got here before active labor got intense. During the actual labor I'm told she, Dh, and my doula all traded spots giving me counterpressure and other support, but I wasn't really aware of who was there doing what (had my eyes closed most of the time). She ended up holding the flashlight for the midwives to see as she was born and cutting the umbilical cord (Dh had no desire). She was also there for the 1st 2 weeks and was an awesome support; doing laundry and cooking yummy meals and cleaning.

I've always been close to my mom and I'm so glad I invited her. She wasn't one to freak out during my birth and understood that her being there was to help with chores, not baby care. It's very special to me now that she got to be there for the birth of her first grandchild.


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## Limabean1975 (Jan 4, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Eman'smom* 
After dd's birth, dh was the one tending to the older kids, making juice ect, you name it she was usless.

That reminds me of another issue with my mom - as I said we very much relied on her after DS's birth, but, she is not too great about initiating preparing meals, laundry, etc...it sort of doesn't occur to her or something. Or she's too busy on the phone sharing every detail with everyone. I hate sounding so negative about her - she has her good qualities! Just not the ideal pp helper.


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## cmoma (Aug 3, 2006)

My mom missed my first childs birth by minutes... so we were determined to make sure she made for the second one and she did! I loved having her there and apart of it. We are very close and having her there meant a lot for both of us. She stayed for a couple weeks after the birth too, and was a huge help cooking and cleaning and helping with our older son.

It makes me sad because it'll be a long shot for her to make it to the birth of this third baby...

Good luck on your decision. I hope it works out whatever way you decide!


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## ColwynsMommy (Aug 2, 2004)

My mom and my sister were present for my first (hospital) birth. They were both under strict instructions to stay up by my head while I was pushing.. that was my primary concern.







My mom was also under orders to be absolutely silent during contractions. Whenever I'm in pain (even just emotional, heh), she gets very concerned and it feels really smothering to me. She means well, but I don't like it. So before the birth, we were really up front with her about what we expected, and she knew that my husband would kick her out if she was bothering me. She was desperate to be there, so she behaved. It worked out well.

My second was born at night (also in the hospital), so she stayed home with my first. She would have stayed at home with him regardless, though. She was a bit upset, but I explained that I really wanted my son to feel well-taken-care-of, and they have a super close relationship.

For my third (first homebirth), we were planning on having my mom and my sister there again. My boys wanted to be present, so they were to care for them and also take pictures. Well, when active labor started, my instinct was to send my mom and my boys downstairs (my sister wasn't home), and it was only an hour from then 'til the baby was in my arms, so they didn't have time to come back up.







I still have mixed feelings about it.. it was unintentionally UC, since the midwife didn't make it, so that was really special, but I felt really bad that my boys especially missed it. For the parts that she was there for, she did really well, followed my husband's lead, etc.

I think that with anyone you plan on having there, mother or not, you need to be especially clear about your expectations. It's really important to explain that you will not be yourself and may not react the way you expect, and that she should not take it personally.

As for inhibitions.. I was able to stay pretty quiet during my first birth, when my mom was present. I had an epidural, so it wasn't a big deal. But I know I stayed quiet because she was there. With my second, I felt free to be loud, but I don't know honestly know if it helped. With my third, I kept my clothes on and never felt the need to take them off. I was quiet during contractions when other people were around, but it wasn't a hardship. I was quite loud during that hour of lightning-fast dilation and pushing, and it never occured to me to be self-conscious about it.


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## sweetpeppers (Dec 19, 2007)

My mother and my father were at my son's birth, and if I had to pick one of them to be at a future birth it definitely would have been my dad. My mom was way too emotional (which I am not). She just kind of annoyed me. Maybe if she had just been there for the birth and not while I was laboring. My dad was really calm, and helped massage my back (had horrible back labor). While I was in labor, I could have cared less about my normal inhibitted self.


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## JennTheMomma (Jun 19, 2008)

I liked having my mom there. She watched DS being born, which was nice.


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## Kidzaplenty (Jun 17, 2006)

I totally regretted having my Mom at my births. But I am also glad she was there.


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## Pyrodjm (Jan 9, 2007)

No, even with the weird relationship that we have, I was relieved that my mother made to DD birth.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Absolutely! However I am glad my MIL and FIL were there though. They were very supportive and helpful. My mom was simply jealous because I was able to vaginally birth my daughter and she had to have sections due to placenta previa both times. LOONNNNG story....but my mom and I don't have any contact now.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

I'm a bit mixed about the experience of having my mother there. In some ways she was fantastic. In most ways she was good. In a few ways she wasn't so great. And in one way she was terrible (day after birth, we had the worst fight of our lives and it still hurts me to this day though we've moved on from it).

She's very close to DD and it meant the world to her that she was there for the birth (though she didn't push being there; I invited her of my own free will).

I guess overall I'm satisfied that she was there... but if I have another one, it will be just me and DH. It would make sense for mom to watch DD, but honestly I think DD will be fine with just DH. I actually didn't need anyone's attention and support; I just crawled into laborland and was gone.


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## Belle (Feb 6, 2005)

My mom was present at dd1's birth. She had an aura of fear about her that was very contagious. I wasn't afraid at all until she showed up. Then I was in extreme pain.

For dd2 (at home) we were planning on having MIL be dd1's support person during the birth. The week dd2 was born MIL went out of town to Canada so we had to scramble to find a last minute replacement for her. Mom fit the bill. She was so stressed out about the birth I just wanted her out of the house. When my water broke and I didn't go into labor it really freaked her out. I went to the nearby park to walk and try to get things moving and left my cell phone at home to charge. When I came back I found Mom knocking on my door. I didn't answer my phone so she drove 30 miles to come check on me. I had a contraction while she was there and she touched me and said "was that a bad one?" I looked at her like she had another head and said it was a good one. They had to be strong in order to get the baby out. She left telling us to call her when real labor started. We forgot. MIL drove in that night from Canada after my water broke and was there when I gave birth the next morning.


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## Cherry Alive (Mar 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Belle* 
My mom was present at dd1's birth. She had an aura of fear about her that was very contagious. I wasn't afraid at all until she showed up.

This is a big part of why I won't have my mom at my birthing this time around. I love her to death and she is very capable of being nurturing, but she has also been known to gun me up with her anxiety and can be a control-freak who doesn't know when to back off. I never would have imagined it, but she drove me completely bonkers at our wedding. I'm working on making healthy boundaries with her right now.

Then there's interesting politics that come into play as DH's parents aren't to be down here until we have had a two-week babymoon (my FIL is high-maintenance, can be loud, and has a couple closed-minded views on child-rearing).

That said, depending on how things go his time around, I'd consider inviting my mother to a birthing if/when we have a second child. Aside from a few little things, she appears to surprisingly respectful of my views of parenthood and is interested in how our natural birth.

I'm hoping to have her at the birthing center after our daughter is born this time.


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## Mamabeakley (Jul 9, 2004)

DS1 - I was totally glad my mom was there, and she stayed for 10 days after and that was great (for me) too. DH was not so thrilled by her continued presence.

DS2 - My mom was DS1's support person, but I think that prolonged my labor b/c it took her 4 hours to get here (DS1 woke up 5 minutes after she arrived) and I really think my labor would have been 4 hours shorter had we had local plans for DS1. Then she stayed for a week and it was really stressful for DH AND for me. I'm not sure if she changed or if I/we changed, but it wasn't really helpful for her to be here. It was like it prevented us from finding our new family-with-two-little-ones groove.

I am pg w/#3 (only 8 weeks, so we have some time to figure it out). I'm thinking that we will ask DH's cousin to be the support person for DS1 & DS2, who is local, and maybe invite my mom to come when the baby is born for 24 hours or less, then come back for a longer visit a couple of weeks later after we have some time to adjust.


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## mytwogirls (Jan 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Belle* 
My mom was present at dd1's birth. She had an aura of fear about her that was very contagious. I wasn't afraid at all until she showed up. Then I was in extreme pain.

Yeah this! I wanted a natural childbirth and my mom said to me to my face "Oh my god do you know how badly this will hurt. You will think you are dying. You can actually pass out from the pain." I am not a panicky person, but she kept drilling this into my head I finally yelled "Shut the f*** up or get out!"


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## avent (Mar 13, 2006)

I loved having my mom at both births. I ignored DH







and focused on my mom's face and she was an angel to me. And she was so happy to be there too. I still remember the look on her face both times when the baby arrived.







:

When I had to transfer after the 2nd birth she watched DS. I felt a lot of relief knowing he was with her.


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## digiscrapper (Aug 18, 2008)

I didn't want her there for my first (and it was VERY good she wasn't there, because she and that midwife would have killed each other!) but I really wanted her there for my second and again this time. She was wonderful...we chatted through early labor, and she stroked my hair when I was in transition, like she used to do when I was sick growing up.

It was funny that she saw that I had had a girl before DH did, but she was good about not telling me, since my big request was that DH tell me what we had!


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## hapersmion (Jan 5, 2007)

I'm looking at the same question - I don't really want my mom there for me, but I want my son there, and she's best with him. My mom seems really nervous about the idea, she may decide she doesn't want to be there even if I decide to invite her. And she's not really very pro-natural. But I'm thinking about letting her be there in a different part of the house with my son, and then she could just send him in when he wanted to come in, and we'd send him back to her when he didn't need to be there. And she'd be forbidden to speak to me...







I don't know, it's a pretty crazy decision to have to figure out.


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## SaraC (Jan 11, 2002)

I wish that she hadn't been there for DD#1 labor/birth but she was a big help when we had to transport. We have a good relationship but my labor was long and drawn out and she got really emotional. My MW had to tell her to cry outside b/c she was really bothering everyone. After we transported she was great b/c she had something to do.

With DD#2 she came and took care of DD#1 while I gave birth. It was better than the first time but she was still very emotional since it was very soon after my dad had died and she missed him.

With DD#3 she didn't come until after the birth b/c she was doing chemo and it was my earliest birth and I think that speaks volumes. I loved having her there afterwards to help with the other girls and when my FIL died right after DD#3 birth she was there to provide emotional support.

She is not coming for this labor/birth but will come when DH goes back to work and I think that is just fine for both of us.


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## ellemnop (May 10, 2008)

I personally did not regret my mother being there at all. Originally I had thought that she would just be sitting in the main area and not actually there with me, but she ended up being right in the room with me (I think midwives assumed that she would, and I wanted her there when the time came). She was a WONDERFUL support to me, and I was so happy she was there to see her granddaughter born.

Take care,
El


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## k13 (Sep 10, 2008)

My mom has been "present" at my births. My mom has always been very much about giving me my "space" though and she doesn't like to see me in pain/doesn't know what to do with herself... so both times she was "there" but not really right there. Both were home births. With number two she had the job of taking care of dd which worked out great. They both came in the room when the baby was actually being born and watched. So I don't regret her being there.

My issue this time is my MIL, who REALLY wants to be there at the birth. She has no experience with birth aside from her own hospital scheduled c-sections 30 plus years ago and from our conversations I get the feeling she has a lot of misconceptions. She is also a hoverer and a "helper" and I would likely feel inhibited about being naked etc. around her. So IF she ends up being there it will have to be peripheral - just for the actual birth. I feel kind of bad but that's just how it goes...


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## Kappa (Oct 15, 2007)

My mom told me straight up she did not want to witness the birth. However, I was with her when I went into labor, and she told me that I was just whining, lazy, and depressed. It was very mean, and it made me totally doubt I was in labor (the baby came at 38 weeks) and I did not get to the hospital until 15 min before DS was born. I don't want her around for my next birth, she will get a call from the hospital after the baby is born.


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## triscuitsmom (Jan 11, 2007)

I am just seeing this now but I thought I'd chime in...

Do I regret her being there as my support person for my first birth? No. Do I regret her being there as my ONLY support person... 1000 times yes. My birth would have been much different if I had someone to actually listen to what I _wasn't_ saying (any of my three closest friends, although I wasn't close enough with one of them at the time to ask her and their were other factors preventing the other two from being there at the time). She was too busy being a nurse to do that when the going got rough.

Do I regret her being there for my second birth... yes. If I had known that I wasn't going to hit four centimeters and just be done in an hour like I was the first time I would not have called her when I did (as it was I stalled at four and then my body kicked into gear a few hours later and I went from still four to baby out in 15 minutes *can we say intense?*








). I knew I didn't need her there, I just wanted her to see the baby be born and she ended up doing what she always does and making it about her and taking over... she didn't mean to but she's really upset me about some of the things she said at the time and has said since.

I doubt she'll be there *while* I am birthing ever again if there are more babies that come through me. Immediately afterwords though? Yeah, that I knew I would want her there for (and did). She has been absolutely fabulous at taking care of me so I could take care of my baby both times.


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## FiveLittleMonkeys (Jan 21, 2009)

My mother showed up uninvited to dd1's birth. She was not a good support person. As soon as dd was born, she swiped her up like she was her baby. I completely regret her being there. I would have rather been alone.

When dd2 came along, she assumed she would be in the room. She was extremely upset about being excluded, to the point where she refused (and refused to have anyone else in her home) to take care of dd1 during labor and my hospital stay. I'm glad that she wasn't there - it was a much better experience, even with the stress of making last minute arrangements for dd1.

We didn't live in the same area when dd3 and ds were born, so it wasn't even an option. I definitely feel that she was a negative influence.


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## mommy2two babes (Feb 7, 2007)

My Mom was there for both of my labors and deliveries.
She proudly tells anyone who will isten that she helped deliver my DS.
She was the first person to touch his head as he was crowning as the MW was unprepared and not in the room.
She was a great support person for me during my labor and birth.
I look forward to having her there when this little one comes.


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## Girlprof (Jun 11, 2007)

I was pretty sure I didn't want my mom and my birth and so I never brought it up with her. Sometimes I wonder if it could have worked out but mostly I know I made a good choice. I love my mom tons but she can be very judgemental and she's a real worrier.

I did have my wonderful MIL at my second birth. Officially she was there to watch DS. Unlike my own mom, I knew MIL would be fine with leaving if that is what DS had needed. As things turned out, both MIL and DS were there for the birth and that was spectacularly great.

Know your mom. And your MIL.


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## Norasmomma (Feb 26, 2008)

Other than her stroking my hair like a cat, not at all. I actually told her to stop petting me like the cat







.


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## lj2blessed (Dec 22, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *pinksprklybarefoot* 
She just worries and freaks out too much. I liked having it as a private (as private as you can get in a hospital room - our homebirth plans went awry) moment between DH and I.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Belle* 
My mom was present at dd1's birth. She had an aura of fear about her that was very contagious. I wasn't afraid at all until she showed up. Then I was in extreme pain.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Girlprof* 
I love my mom tons but she can be very judgemental and she's a real worrier.

These are the concerns I have about my mom being in the room. She's a worrier and gets really skittish, which will not only annoy me but it'll stress me out - so I think I'd rather it just be me and DH from jump instead of letting her come in and having to kick her out.

My biggest worry is how sensitive she is, and she is very likely to get "offended" for not being asked to be in the room. She'll get over it, but I just really really REALLY don't want to hear my dad's mouth about "making your mom sad" or if she spreads it to my aunt and she feels the need to tell me how I "hurt my mom's feelings", etc.


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## Gena 22 (Jul 3, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sweetpeppers* 
My mother and my father were at my son's birth, and if I had to pick one of them to be at a future birth it definitely would have been my dad. My mom was way too emotional (which I am not). She just kind of annoyed me. Maybe if she had just been there for the birth and not while I was laboring. My dad was really calm, and helped massage my back (had horrible back labor). While I was in labor, I could have cared less about my normal inhibitted self.

This is how I thought it would be for me too. I was halfhearted about wanting my mom there, and thought my dad would be better. But I left it to them to decide whether to be there or not. My mom came, and was with me through the whole thing. She was so strong. It really deepened our relationship.

Sometimes people surprise you, in a good way!


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## angelapittman (Mar 19, 2009)

For my first birth (a hospital birth), I thought I only wanted my husband in the room, which is what we ended up doing. She arrived as I was getting the epidural and was totally freaking out and crying with excitement and emotion. She was more nervous than I was! When it came time for me to push, she was asked to leave the room, so her and my grandma stood outside the room listening and crying lol. I regret not having her there.
For my second, I had a home birth and wanted her there. She had homebirths will all four of us, and the last of which was the SAME midwife that delievered my little sister







. She was working that night so ended up missing it anyway







Next time I want her there! I know she will be freaking out seeing me in pain, but who wouldn't feel that way when their daughter is giving birth? I think birth is so amazing that I invited a lot of people to witness it, just to see how wonderful it is.


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## tinyblackdot (Aug 31, 2007)

yes i did.

I wish that it had just been a private thing that DH and i could have experinced together as a couple.

But i also had my sis and my MIL in there too. So it was a bit of a crowd.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)

Well, pre-delivery I felt that birth was private and only DH and I would experience it.

But she stopped by a few times to do errands and it felt nice to have her there. She was quite the cheerleader lol.

I am actually surprised at how uninhibited I was during labor. I wouldn't mind having more people there next time, provided they mind their manners.


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## BrooklynDoula (Oct 23, 2002)

My mom was at both of my births and I was happy to have her there - it was really important to me. That said, it is not for everyone and I have been with many clients who really struggled with this.

best,
Megan


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

My mom was at my first homebirth. I called for her to come in. But then not in the room for the others. I just did what felt right at the time, and my mother was ok with that. My mother was the person to heat my blankets in the dryer after my births, and she could be 100% counted on to bring them to me fluffy and hot







She was also the one to bring me fav foods right after birth. Once, she made me soup, another time stew, and one time toast & butter. Which totally hit the spot. I can still taste that buttered toast. lol


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## ledzepplon (Jun 28, 2004)

My mom was at the birth of my dd. She and I have a great relationship, and she's very respectful of me and of my relationship with my dh. I would have her there again in a second--it was nice to have someone there to help both me and dh. She was not present for ds1 or ds2 because she was watching my dd (and ds1 for ds2's birth).

I think if your mom is the type who can be helpful without stepping on toes during a stressful situation, then it might be nice to have her there--and it would probably be a wonderful gift to her to be present as well.


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## peainthepod (Jul 16, 2008)

There was never a chance of my mother being allowed at my birth. She's an incredibly negative, self-centered person and I knew it would be an unmitigated disaster if she were within 500 miles of me while I was in labor. My parents' visit to meet the new baby a few weeks postpartum only reinforced my previous decision to exclude them and our relationship is now even more damaged than before. Thank God I didn't cave when I was still pregnant and desperately wanting a "mommy" to lean on!

Sometimes I do kind of wish my MIL had been there though. She's taken me in as one of her own and I think she could be a wonderful presence at my homebirth, especially because she had two C-sections with DH and his brother and has expressed curiosity about the experience. If DH and I have another child I will consider inviting her (not that she'd necessarily want to attend). It could be really healing to share the birth of my child with a mother figure, even if we're not technically related...


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## amydiane (Feb 4, 2009)

I don't regret my mom (or my dad) being at DS's birth. He came at 25 weeks and DH and I hadn't come up with any kind of birth plan, but I had assumed that you could only have one person and of course that would be DH. We were pretty much just sitting around waiting in the delivery room, and I had had an epi, so I wasn't in any pain when my parents came in to see me and get the latest news. So there was no concern about them seeing me in any potentially unpleasant circumstance. Of course there was lots of concern for DS, but we were all trying to be as upbeat and optimistic as possible. Anyway, after a while, the doctor came in and determined that it was time to push. I thought they'd kick my parents out at that point, but they didn't, which was okay but surprised me a little. I only had to push a few times, and then of course there was a quick assessment of DS before he was taken to the NICU, so the whole thing was very fast. My dad kinda hid in a corner the whole time....Mom went from her chair next to the bed around to the foot but she totally stayed out of the way. Obviously it was an unusual situation though, and it was very quick, so we didn't have any issues with her freaking out or me being in a lot of pain.

This time, I am planning on delivering at a birth center (without an epi), and I have no idea how long labor and pushing will last. My mom has told me that she would like to be there again, and we haven't decided how we feel about that. She does tend to be a worrier and I'm kinda concerned about that. Like I said, she was fine at DS's birth, but it was such a serious situation that she just stayed out of the way....plus, we were all already worrying about the same stuff anyway, so she didn't need to verbalize it. She is fairly supportive of natural birth in general, but not as attached to the idea as I am, so I don't know how supportive of it she'll be during labor. Of course if we do end up having her there, I'll talk to her ahead of time about things she shouldn't say and whatnot.


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## smeep (May 12, 2006)

My whole family (mother, father, two sisters and niece) were there. I am very private about things. She and I aren't even very close. I rarely feel like she's my mother. But they were all I had then and I knew I could ask them to leave if I needed to. I never did. Once transition kicked in, privacy wasn't even a thought. I was completely naked and could've cared less. During active labour she was extremely helpful (she's had 4 homebirths, and as odd as it was during that time, a very natural hospital birth with my oldest sister, and also ended up being my older sister's main support person at her birth). Despite all our issues, I do not regret having her there. And, like I said, once transition hit privacy was a joke. Not even a thought. It's different for every woman but you may be surprised.

Not to mention, having her watch your DD in another part of the house is way different from her being right there. Good luck, whatever you decide!


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## IceyTheBatmom (Mar 18, 2008)

Despite a rough childhood, and considering her quite ditzy, I knew I'd want her there, especially if DH passed out.

One of the things that bugs me most about her is that she's a rabid agreer. Turns out she makes a good doula, though. She told me after reading my birthplan that she had also learned about not cutting/clamping the cord too early in her first-responder class, and watched the OB carefully. She also 'failed' bfing my brother due to a nurse ignoring her wishes, so she would have gone off on anyone who pushed it, and she also decided to go against the norm and not circ my brother, so we were in total agreement on how things should go.

She'll be DS's 'person' for our HB this fall... He may end up eating way too much junkfood and soda (cringe) but she knows what's important.


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## zinemama (Feb 2, 2002)

I don't regret it. She wasn't there for my entire labor, but came when things were getting really rough and my husband needed some backup. She was great. She had three kids via natural childbirth in the '60's and she was super encouraging and sweet.

My mother was flabbergasted and thrilled that I asked her to be there. She had a very tense relationship with her own mother and though we get along well it never occured to her that I'd ask her to be present. She had never seen a baby being born and it was just a tremendous emotional experience for her.


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## dpoupore (May 14, 2008)

My mom was in the house, but we'd made it clear that she could come in and out as needed. As it turned out, it was too hard for her to see me experiencing birth until the final stages when DD came out.

The key for us was having totally clear expectations of roles and clear support from her for our birth choices. If I hadn't had that, I wouldn't have asked her to be around.


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## darcytrue (Jan 23, 2009)

My mom was with me during the birth of my first child since I was single at the time, and she didn't get on my nerves quite like I thought she would.

With the birth of my second child my mom was definitely not in there. I had my DH in there with me. My mom got on my nerves the second birth just coming to our house to visit post partum.







I had a rough time with that one.


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

It's not so much that she was at my birth that bothered me, but that I was naive enough to think that the mom I've never had might be born in that room at the same time as my child. I regret the (in hindsight) foolish hopes that she would become the mom I'd always hoped for, the mom who is interested in having a relationship with her daughter, not just when it's convenient or there's something in it for her.

I guess I wouldn't change it, since I needed to see that though birth transformed me, it certainly wasn't transforming my mom. Having a child made it that much easier to see just how screwed up my mom's maternal instinct (or lack thereof) is.

Needless to say, she hasn't been and will not be at any susbequent births.


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## bananababies (Dec 10, 2006)

I had my mom there for my first birth, and I definitely won't have her here for the next! While we have a great relationship and she means well, I totally cannot be uninhibited in front of her. We deal with our emotions in a very different way (I cannot hold them in for second, she bottles them up). She makes me nervous when I'm vulnerable.

Like I said though, I had her at my first birth - I guess I didn't know how her presence would effect me. Now that I know, I've explained it to her, and she's understanding. Disappointed, for sure, but understanding. She lives close-by, and she's going to pick my dd up when I need her to for the labor. I'm leaving the option open (for me to decide!) for them both to come back for the actual birth. But I know that for the majority of the labor, I won't want them at the house (we're having a homebirth this time).


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## goosysmom (May 28, 2005)

I went for a NST when at 42w2d. I was going to be induced the next day and they decided to keep me. Mom and I were going to go to lunch but the NST took longer than I thought it would and they just decided to keep me....I had walked around for 3ish weeks at 5cm and 90% but with back labor so the hospital kept sending me home bc I didn't have the classic front to back....

I switched hospitals (thank god...in the long run) and mom went with me.......they broke my water and it started progressing well but them mom started getting all chatty about how my having a midwife was wrong, she still thought so, that midwives don't know diddly and I found myself bantering back and forth with her, yet again over it. Then it became all about her and her birth with me (emergency section) and that since I was so late anyways, why didn't I just agree to a C-Section weeks ago and I would've already had my little girl etc....

My labor stalled.......it's like dd1 didn't want to be born into that negativity. So I asked her to go home for a bit.....labor is stalled and it would prolly be awhile.....go get something to eat, check on her animals, let my sister know what was up etc......and she could come back. So she finally agreed.

45 minutes later, dd1 was born (moderate dystocia)......My mw and I believe that with her leaving I was finally able to relax and let my body take over, free my brain and focus. Years later I still believe this. Was she sad when she called an hour or so later to see how things were. Yes. Very. I had pangs of guilt.....but the end of my labor was very rough on me, physically and emotionally and I just wouldn't have handled it as well as I did with her there.

Hours later when she arrived at the hospital, she came in the room and hugged us both and I told her about the birth and the dystocia (dumb me...) and about an hour later she spoke up and said, "Do you realize that your baby could've died??? That's why I told you that you needed an OB and not a MW. If you had had an OB, this wouldn't have happened...." I started crying. I told her it happened bc she was a big posterier baby, it happened bc my body was full of pitocin and I was pushing wrong.....MY MW saved her. And she started to argue with me and I asked her to leave. She resisted and I askd her to leave. The RN came in and asked her to leave. It was awful and I am happy I asked her to leave the birth and that room that day. 5 years later she stands by what she said.

With dd2 in 07, my water leaked, barely a trickle at 4am. Contractions started at 5, on top of each other (thanks body for just going head long into transition) Dd was born at 6:02am. There was no time to call her. Barely enough time to make it to the hospital. Looking back, I prolly should've stayed home but my best friend was working that shift at the hospital and she was my "doula" in case I came while she was on shift....So we went.

She wasn't as unhappy about this time....

However, with all that said.....I think it depends on your relationship with your mom, her feelings on how you want to have your birth, etc........

My mother and I are close....but birth and nursing are things we disagree on monumentally. The original plan wasn't to have her their for the first but we were out together already when my MW called and wanted me to go in for a NST.....it was a huge mistake having her there and my memory of my first birth is clouded, still after all these years, by the way she reacted to me and how I chose to do things.....


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## Ceinwen (Jul 1, 2004)

My mother is the most gentle, kind and patient individual I know. I had a truly blessed upbringing, and today she is one of my closest friends.

During dd1's birth, she helped my exdp hold me in a supported squat position, and I went and stayed with her for my first two weeks pp.

I can't imagine giving birth without her help, love and support. She was the the strong, encouraging one when I cried that I couldn't do anymore.

My midwife took care of the rest of the business. It was perfect.


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## purplemoon (Sep 24, 2008)

I didn't want my mom there during the final hours but when push came to shove (no pun intended) I clung to her. As another woman who had natural births she was GREAT. My dh tried to help, but honestly, the wisdom and care from someone BTDT was soo helpful.

When the crowning moment came (pun intended) I didn't care that she saw what she saw, I didn't care about anything, I was in my own world, so I am glad she got to see the birth of her grandchildren.

She was there for my second birth as well.


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## Willow'sMama (Apr 5, 2009)

I couldn't imagine NOT having my mother there.







This was my first and my partner's first child and I did all the reading and classes and felt I was as informed as I could be for going into childbirth, and to do it naturally. Once labor started, my partner didn't really know what to do to comfort me other than "you're doing great, hun". So having my mother there to focus me and ask me the right questions about the pains I was having made all the difference in the world. The nurses were fantastic as well, but having a person there that I was close with and had been through what I was going through put me at complete ease.


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