# traumatized by natural birth pain



## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

I gave birth 2 and a half months ago, and I still feel hypersensitive to the idea of pain. I prepared well for natural childbirth - I read a lot of books, and discussions and birth stories here on MDC, I had a midwife and a doula. I was highly motivated to have a natural birth, and I'm proud of myself that I did it. But














it was painful! I'm still not over it. Just the idea of pain is giving me a lot of anxiety. I'm terrified of ever getting pregnant again, and I know if it happens accidentally, I would want an epidural as soon as possible. I feel so broken.


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## bobandjess99 (Aug 1, 2005)

I completely understand!!! I was you after my dd's birth. I had pretty much full-blown PTSD as a result of the pain. It was unimaginable. It took me about 18 months to really work through it to the point where I was even able to consider having another child. I was completely messed up psychologically for so long....I cried daily, because I wanted more kids, but felt I could NEVER go through that again. But....after 2 years, I was okay, and now am expecting number #2 in about 8 weeks, and am dealing with the thought of another labor....a concept which would had leveled me 3 years ago.
It hopefully will get better, give yourself time to work through it. And don't be afraid to feel what you feel.


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## Full Heart (Apr 27, 2004)

I think what you are feeling is competly normal. I have given birth 7 times and you know what? I feel terrified to get pg, when I am pg I am terrified of giving birth. I think I drive dh nuts constantly asking him if I can do it. I say over and over and over, I can do this, I can do this. I have had 2 very painful births, where I forgot I was giving birth the pain was so bad. There is no one word to describe how painful it was. I wished for death. I have talked to other women who say the same thing. Its nothing you did wrong. No amount of preparing can help you deal with some pain. I will give you some encouragment and say not every birth is going to be that painful. I have had virtually pain free births before. But its those painful ones that make me crazy. I decided that I couldnt let fear make my decisions for me so I did go on to have more kids but it doesn't mean I am all confident. No, even when I realize I am in labor I get scared. This last time I nearly had a panic attack when my water broke. I calmed myself down, and then got down to the business at hand but omg the fear is almost as bad as the pain! It paralizes you, you can't think straight. You are not broken, you are a normal momma. And you are definetly not alone.


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## grassisgreener1334 (Nov 24, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Full Heart* 
I think what you are feeling is competly normal. I have given birth 7 times and you know what? I feel terrified to get pg, when I am pg I am terrified of giving birth. I think I drive dh nuts constantly asking him if I can do it. I say over and over and over, I can do this, I can do this. I have had 2 very painful births, where I forgot I was giving birth the pain was so bad. There is no one word to describe how painful it was. I wished for death. I have talked to other women who say the same thing. Its nothing you did wrong. No amount of preparing can help you deal with some pain. I will give you some encouragment and say not every birth is going to be that painful. I have had virtually pain free births before. But its those painful ones that make me crazy. I decided that I couldnt let fear make my decisions for me so I did go on to have more kids but it doesn't mean I am all confident. No, even when I realize I am in labor I get scared. This last time I nearly had a panic attack when my water broke. I calmed myself down, and then got down to the business at hand but omg the fear is almost as bad as the pain! It paralizes you, you can't think straight. You are not broken, you are a normal momma. And you are definetly not alone.

I just want to say that this is the sweetest, most loving comment I've ever seen on this forum







: Thank you for sharing that


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

I can also relate to being traumatized by natural childbirth pain. It took me almost 2 yrs to get over it and feel like I could have another child. I am also due in 8-10 wks and have arranged a doula, but spoke very frankly with her and my midwives that if I wanted to have an epidural, they by gosh, I need them on my side. The PTSD and PPD I had after the first one affected my whole family so badly, I don't want to go through that again if I can make it easier on myself somehow. To me the benefits outweigh the risks psychologically.







You're not alone. Give yourself time, talk, get counselling, process the experience. It takes time to heal.


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

I also had an extremely painful birth that was traumatizing. I had mild PTSD for months afterwards. I was semi-obsessed with trying to "figure out" the birth and couldn't write my birth story until my baby was about 7 mos old. It was too frightening to try and relive it through getting it down on paper, but like any really traumatic experience, writing it out was also a healing experience. It just took time.

I think at this point I'm resigned to the idea of another painful birth. I'm hoping it isn't like that, but I recognize that it could be as painful or more painful than when I gave birth to dd. Sometimes I still have moments of panic. I'm 21 weeks right now. Planning a homebirth and hoping for a better experience, but I also understand completely why someone would have an epidural. Last time, when we went to the hospital, I was so exhausted and in so much pain that I told dh if I had a long ways to go I was getting an epidural. I had already been in excruciating pain for about 7 hours at that point and couldn't manage another 6 or 7 hours. (All I had to do was push, so no epi.)

You're only two months from the experience now. It will get better. It won't fade into nothing, the way a lot of women say it does - because I think when you have an exceptionally painful birth it's seared in your memory. It's not going to go away. You'll always remember that it was very painful.

But I think there's also no guarantee for future births. They may be the same . . . they may be better. For me, despite the pain, I still feel NCB is worth it, and more dc are worth it. I'm perfectly willing to say that I hate NCB. I do it for the other benefits - less risk of injury, less risk of epidural-related or other complications, etc. I do not do it because I find anything appealing about the experience itself.








Give yourself time to work through this. It's not an easy thing, especially when you're well-prepared and expect pain or acknowledge the possibility of pain but not unmanageable or unbearable pain. I felt like my body had betrayed me in many ways, and that many of the NCB books I'd read had also lied to me/betrayed me. That level of pain was simply not manageable. And it wasn't short-lived, either - the extremely painful part of my birth was 8 hours long.

Health and healing to you. Time and reflection will help.


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## majormajor (Nov 3, 2006)

is pain relief in the next labor out of the question for you? i had an epidural with DD because the pain was so intense, and it was a wonderful experience. i know there's a lot of debate about the safety of an epidural, but i have researched it thoroughly, and i fully believe that all of the risks are to the mom, not the baby. and, risks to the mom are very small. i'm absolutely not afraid of labor pain with #2, because i know if it's really bad again, i have the option of pain relief.


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## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

Thank you everyone for commisserating! LOL It helps to read about and think about it.


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## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *majormajor* 
is pain relief in the next labor out of the question for you? i had an epidural with DD because the pain was so intense, and it was a wonderful experience. i know there's a lot of debate about the safety of an epidural, but i have researched it thoroughly, and i fully believe that all of the risks are to the mom, not the baby. and, risks to the mom are very small. i'm absolutely not afraid of labor pain with #2, because i know if it's really bad again, i have the option of pain relief.

If I would have had an epidural with this birth, it would have been bad. Baby had a knot in the cord where it was wrapped around his neck so it was pinched off when he entered the birth canal. He went into distress and I had to push him out as hard and fast as possible. If I had an epidural, I would have ended up with a C-section or instrument delivery, maybe a big episiotomy, and quite possibly a damaged or dead baby.


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## SublimeBirthGirl (Sep 9, 2005)

I don't know if this will help or not, but while my 2nd birth was as painful as my first, it was far less traumatic. I think, in my case, it was being at home. I was so much more in control that I felt able to stay on top of the pain much more than I could with my first. I think the self-hypnosis programs can be really helpful too. Hypnobabies seems to be the preferred method.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

The pain from my first labor was _traumatizing_. I worked through my paralyzing fear of it the next time by doing hypnosis using the HypnoBabies program and by scripting my anxieties with the book "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die". Bach flower therapies helped, too. I also read the book "Back Labor No More" to help prepare on a practical level in the case of another back labor scenario.

My second labor was completely pain-free until I got to transition-- way different than the first time. The whole thing was relatively short and easy. I would DEFINITELY use HypnoBabies again.


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## PPK (Feb 15, 2007)

Same here, and I'm also at 2.5 months.

I've felt so disconnected from my body, and traumatized. I wasn't afraid going into it and was very confident, but yes, it was







'ing painful!

Yesterday I took out an old self-hypnosis CD "Get more joy out of Sex-female" and it helped immediately in me feeling warm and more connected to my body and vagina again.

I've had issues with sex since giving birth because of the trauma.. I just hadn't felt the same on many levels, but its getting better the more I try and work through it.

Anyways, I'm committed to doing this CD again for a week or month,however long, but it really helped. I just plugged this guy yesterday on this forum, he's awesome! There might be other CD's of his that are more appropriate for you, but I'm broke (even though they're only $20) and this one has already gotten me to feel good again. I think he might have some for PTSD.

DH and I only want to have one child, he's getting a vasectomy next month, so I'm actually relieved that I won't go through it again. Its the most amazing expereince, but once is good for me









http://thepotentialsunlimited.com/


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## prettypixels (Apr 13, 2006)

Just want to chime in and say, I feel you! My birth BLEW MY MIND with how painful it was. I had done Hypnobabies and prepared myself for a pain free birth. HA! Although to be fair I will say... NOTHING on this earth could have "helped" when I was in so much pain I literally wanted to crawl through the walls, anything to get away from it.

Luckily I was home, or you bet I would've had an epi! I will never judge a woman who gets an epi after my birth.


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## Attached Mama (Dec 4, 2005)

I am all for natural birth - but I'm not in any of your shoes and plus I can tell you are all for natural birth too. There are other things that can be given that are not as intense as an epidural but will help deaden some pain. Ask your midwife... I remember my midwife saying they could give a shot of something - or maybe they couldn't but you could transfer to the hsptl and they could. Also, I'd look into some homeopathic as well as herbal stuff too. You could always try that stuff first. Herbal for the Childbearing Year I remember had something for intense labor pain in it.

Good luck!!


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

Yeah, hypnosis can be so healing. I highly recommend it.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

I was traumatized by my 4th birth. My first 3 had been unmedicated so I knew what it felt like. But I had a prolonged pushing stage and it was devastating emotionally and physically.

I had an epidural for my 5th and make no apologies. I knew the chances of a brutal birth happening again probably weren't high, but I needed it psychologically, to calm down. I had a beautiful birth.

Not sure what I'll do this time around, but I will respect my emotional needs as well as my physical.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

I always found this poll very interesting:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=334426

While it looks like those in a hospital had a much higher rate of horribly painful births, if you take each section (homebirth, birth center, hospital) in isolation the rates of horrible pain are 32% 33% and 40% respectively. So there is not tremendous discrepancy, and the average is 35%.

I think this is probably what the chances of being hit with a horribly painful birth are (35%). Some births are just more painful than others... otherwise there's no explanation for why the same woman could handle some of her births but not others. Same woman, same pain threshold.


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## LionTigerBear (Jan 13, 2006)

I don' think it's just a random thing-- I don't know if that's what meowee was saying, though. There's a reason my second birth was so much shorter and easier. I had studied a lot about the effects of deep relaxation, emotional calm-- the kind that takes months of practice, you can't just think "oh I need ot be calm" which is how I went into my first birth-- and possibly most importantly, positioning of the baby. I worked on positioning of the baby a LOT the second time. The baby's head needs to be evenly lined up over mama's cervix to ensure a quick, less painful or painless, and efficient labor. And yet, most women don't know much about fetal positioning-- I was clueless about it the first time around. If you don't know much about fetal positioning, then labor could be a crap shoot.


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## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prettypixels* 
Luckily I was home, or you bet I would've had an epi! I will never judge a woman who gets an epi after my birth.










Heck, I would have taken a hit of crack if someone had offered it to me during transition!


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## mandib50 (Oct 26, 2004)

i had 4 births. first was a traumatic c/section, next were homebirths. 3rd was an especially painful birth, much more so than i remembered my VBAC. by the time i was pregnant with my 4th, i dreaded the thought of going through birth again. i often secretly thought of going to the hospital for an epidural. i sure felt reassured when i read a birth story by a woman having her 6th baby who said she felt the same way.

i never did go to the hospital although i was a really huge baby when i was in labor. i just kept reminding myself a million times over that the amount of time i would be in labor to birth my baby was such a small amount of time compared to the amount of time i would live that i could get through it. and i did









i just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your fear.


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## wannabe (Jul 4, 2005)

Give yourself time, at least a year. I totally fell for the "it won't be a BAD pain" bullcrap too. And that was my undoing, I think. I really didn't expect that it would be so horrendously agonising if I had the right mindset going in.

I think that's where I failed - I wasn't prepared to want to die, so when I did I was traumatised. I had an epidural then, and I did need it, but I'm still hoping that next time I can out-think the pain and not get drugs.

I'm 2+ years out, and going to have to go through it again in a month or two, and I dread the thought, but am trying to stick very hard to the "it won't kill me" philosophy. I can't really remember exactly how bad it was, except that gas pains and muscle cramps make me laugh now, which helps.







:

Quote:

I had studied a lot about the effects of deep relaxation, emotional calm-- the kind that takes months of practice, you can't just think "oh I need ot be calm" which is how I went into my first birth-- and possibly most importantly, positioning of the baby. I worked on positioning of the baby a LOT the second time.
check, check, check. I've been practicing self-hypnosis for about 15 years now. I followed the optimum foetal positioning rules religiously for the last month. It may not be random (I think the pain I had has got a lot to do with your anatomy), but doing al the right things doesn't mean you're going to sail through.


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## carabee (Apr 6, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QueenOfThePride* 
Heck, I would have taken a hit of crack if someone had offered it to me during transition!









:


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## Kat_shoshin (Feb 16, 2007)

It wasn't the pain for me so much as the craptastic pregnancy and NICU aftermath that makes me want to stop at one...

But I will say that my first period cramps postpartum had me on the floor FREAKING out. It felt sooo much like early labour and I didn't realize that I was kinda post-tramatic about it. I still take drugs the second I feel cramps coming on to avoid thinking about it.


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## bobandjess99 (Aug 1, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QueenOfThePride* 
Heck, I would have taken a hit of crack if someone had offered it to me during transition!

LOL! I ABSOLUTELY used to say this!!! It was almost my mantra after dd's birth! I would say "If a door-to-door crack salesman had come to my house during labor, I would have taken whatever he had!!" (And sadly, that happening not entirely out of the realm of possibility in our neighborhood...







!!)

And by "transition", I mean all SEVEN HOURS of it......







:


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## Veritaserum (Apr 24, 2004)

While there are some things that we can't directly control and some births are more difficult than others I found Hypnobabies to be enormously helpful!







I would NOT give birth naturally without hypnosis. I had an epidural with my first because it was so painful. When I decided to home birth with #2 I had to find some way of reducing or eliminating the pain. I learned hypnosis and practiced daily for 10 weeks. I had a wonderful, easy, pain-free labor. Fantastic!









My next birth was acutely painful due to complications but the hypnosis allowed me to stay calm and breathe for my baby and I think I was probably still more comfortable than I would have been if I didn't have my hypnosis background. I'm very grateful that I was able to stay present enough to tune into my instincts and figure out what the safest thing would be. The mind-numbing pain could have completely consumed me if I had let it and I believe that would have negatively impacted the outcome of the birth. My baby and I were fine even though probably most people would have insisted on an immediate c-section. I knew I could birth her quickly and safely by tuning in to my body, which the hypnosis allowed me to do. And that's exactly what I did.









My last birth wasn't totally pain-free but 22.5 out of 24 hours is still great and I was so thankful to be able to take a nap at 8 cm, completely comfortable.









I don't think it's at all "broken" to think pain sucks. I certainly think it does!


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## maisiedotes (Jan 2, 2005)

I don't know if it is good or bad that I stumbled across this thread. I just posted in the Nov DDC about this very thing. I am due in 4 weeks. I had a very late loss last time (over 35 weeks) and the pain was awful but the emotional part was SO much harder than the physical. I was thinking today that at least this time around, I will only have to deal with the physical part. But, my son was only 3 lb. With this pregnancy she will most likely be average- 7 lb or so. I had an internal exam today and almost went through the roof, it hurt so bad- I was really tense. I don't want to feel like a failure if I go for an epidural but I know it would be good for me and the baby if I went natural again. I am so afraid of the pain (even moreso now). I just don't know if I will feel worse if I DO get the epidural or if I don't.







:


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## leurMaman (Jun 10, 2004)

Hey there,

I know what you mean. I also thought that birth was overwhelming. I had taken Bradley Method classes to prepare for my son's birth, and they helped me get through the labor. It was still very painful, though. After a year and a half, we decided to have another baby. I got pregnant again, and I miscarried. By the time I conceived my daughter, I was ready to go to hell and back to have a second child - so I was ready for the pain mentally, but not emotionally. Then we decided to look towards the Bradley method teaching again. I retook the classes and training. There are exercises that they teach (which I did not do faithfully with my first pregnancy) and relaxation techniques that are important in reducing the cycle of pain. Sometimes it isn't enough just to read and have a meditation/ pain handling plan. It is better to work to be physically fit and ready for the birth, and to teach your body to consciencly relax and work with the contractions rather than around them. I'm not trying to sell you on any classes. I would just encourage you to look at the book "Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth" by Susan McCutcheon and consider doing some physical training before your next birth. My daughter's birth was still intense, but it went much quicker (a benefit of a consecutive pregnancies) and I had more physical endurance than with the first birth because I was faithful at actually training months in advance with tailor sitting, squatting, pelvic rocking, kegels, etc. I hope that helps. I really know what you are going through







Congratulations on making it through your first birth and on your new baby!


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## jessjgh1 (Nov 4, 2004)

Emily,
I remember reading your birth story and thiking wow that sounds hard, but I don't think you had had the time to process it yet. Your first time was rather a whirlwind too, wasn't it? I had so been hoping for this time to be the peaceful and amazing experience that we all deserve/want/hope for, because I think I know how much you have invested in it... I know how much I invested in preparing for #2 so I can imagine(-; And from what I remember, you had a lot stacked against you to be in the ideal environment/situation-- plus you know almost too much about things but birth is somewhat about the unknown and letting go of control/what you know.
.
Just know you are an amazing woman to have birthed two beautiful babies and that your experience is YOURS in all that was wonderful and all that was challenging and all that is to be. Maybe your birth story just hasn't ended yet?

((Hugs))

Jessica
(who's been meaning to see how you were doing anyways)


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## BirthFree (Nov 2, 2005)

Boy, traumatic births can really floor you - I didn't process through my first one until a year and a half later (and that's b/c I had birth #2 at that time). They were night and day but I kept thinking that I had missed some magical key to ease the first time - like everyone else got this "difficult but awesome labor" and I got "heck on a stick labor" and um, not right!

I was in transition for 14 hours, it sucked. We transfered for an epidural. I will say the ability to labor as long as I did at home kept me from a cesarean. The ability to labor with an epidural at the hospital kept me from a cesarean too. At that point I realized why there are epidurals. Sometimes you need one.

When my 10 min. of transition hit the second birth I said "ahhhhhhh, this feels like labor #1 did for all of those hours - I WASN'T a wuss!!!". It was healing. As was the book Birthing From Within. I had to give myself permission to feel all the feelings I had before I had that second baby. And even to this day I say, "I can do 38 hours or less for sure" b/c I did it. I don't want another impossibly hard labor... but at least I know I can do it.

Give yourself time, it will get better.


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## meowee (Jul 8, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionTigerBear* 
I don' think it's just a random thing-- I don't know if that's what meowee was saying, though. There's a reason my second birth was so much shorter and easier. I had studied a lot about the effects of deep relaxation, emotional calm-- the kind that takes months of practice, you can't just think "oh I need ot be calm" which is how I went into my first birth-- and possibly most importantly, positioning of the baby. I worked on positioning of the baby a LOT the second time. The baby's head needs to be evenly lined up over mama's cervix to ensure a quick, less painful or painless, and efficient labor. And yet, most women don't know much about fetal positioning-- I was clueless about it the first time around. If you don't know much about fetal positioning, then labor could be a crap shoot.


My most brutal birth was my most studied for and well prepared-for birth. Home waterbirth, herbs, most of labor alone, a midwife everyone swooned for.

There is indeed an element of chance. I resent it when people say, "Oh, if you have just done ___ or ___ like I did." There is no guarantee.


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## Romana (Mar 3, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *meowee* 
My most brutal birth was my most studied for and well prepared-for birth. Home waterbirth, herbs, most of labor alone, a midwife everyone swooned for.

There is indeed an element of chance. I resent it when people say, "Oh, if you have just done ___ or ___ like I did." There is no guarantee.









: I understand the value of preparation, but I also had thoroughly prepared for my horrendously painful birth.


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## 2bluefish (Apr 27, 2006)

I was like that after #1 - I think I experienced an abnormal level of pain due to my baby being malpositioned. What really helped was starting to study Hypnobabies before I was even pregnant again - learning hypnosis became part of my healing. Then I practiced it my entire pregnancy. #2 was nothing like #1 - I only experienced about 20 minutes of true pain during transition, even though I was on pitocin. I consider the rest of that labor to have been pain free. I'm glad #2 went so well, because I literally said - I will give it just one more try. I wanted at least 3, but I was not going to keep doing that pain again. Honestly, I think it was unneccesary with #1 (cause if I hadn't have had AROM then my baby could have moved into a better position, if I had learned hypnosis, I would have had more coping skill, and I think there is a time and a place for herbal or medicinal pain relief) and not worth it! Good luck to you!


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## Full Heart (Apr 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BirthFree* 
Boy, traumatic births can really floor you - I didn't process through my first one until a year and a half later (and that's b/c I had birth #2 at that time). They were night and day but I kept thinking that I had missed some magical key to ease the first time - like everyone else got this "difficult but awesome labor" and I got "heck on a stick labor" and um, not right!

I was in transition for 14 hours, it sucked. We transfered for an epidural. I will say the ability to labor as long as I did at home kept me from a cesarean. The ability to labor with an epidural at the hospital kept me from a cesarean too. At that point I realized why there are epidurals. Sometimes you need one.

When my 10 min. of transition hit the second birth I said "ahhhhhhh, this feels like labor #1 did for all of those hours - I WASN'T a wuss!!!". It was healing. As was the book Birthing From Within. I had to give myself permission to feel all the feelings I had before I had that second baby. And even to this day I say, "I can do 38 hours or less for sure" b/c I did it. I don't want another impossibly hard labor... but at least I know I can do it.

Give yourself time, it will get better.

That sounds like my second birth, transfer and all. I was at 7 cm for 12 hours before we transfered and I had another like 10 to go before birth. I always tell myself I have done it before I can do it again, I know it won't kill me. But I really have to psych myself up for the labor.


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## Surfacing (Jul 19, 2005)

OMG Mamas, it such a relief to read others' experiences here and commiserate.


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## CathToria (Sep 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Romana9+2* 







: I understand the value of preparation, but I also had thoroughly prepared for my horrendously painful birth.

Yep, me too. 2.5 years later, this thread is very comforting ot me, because I think that *I* did something wrong that made my unmedicated birth un bearably painful that sent me out of my mind.


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## ~Boudicca~ (Sep 7, 2005)

I just wanted to join the chorus and say that it is normal! With dd1, her birth was traumatic (got an epidural, epidural didn't work, was completely unprepared for transition, etc). As soon as she was out, I contemplated the horror of her birth every way I could, and even just seeing women give birth on t.v. made me feel panicky and teary-eyed. I was in shock after I had her, completely dumfounded by the experience. I probably had PTSD. I didn't decide that I wanted another until she was about 18 months old, and I finally had my second when she was 4.

IME, it will pass. This time around, I had no meds, gave birth in the tub, and it was as sublime as could be. I never thought I would say this, but my second's birth was easy and joyous.


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## RachelGS (Sep 29, 2002)

I felt that way after my first birth, too, and it was a completely realistic response to that kind of pain. With my second birth, I was completely on top of things until I hit transition. It was hard, but not scary or traumatizing or upsetting. Transition was a bitch, but nothing like laboring in that kind of state for the ENTIRE labor. It is likely to be very different for you next time.

But give yourself time. You experienced suffering and you need time to process and grieve that and to deal with the fear that comes with it. You'll know when it's right to have another baby.


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## Astrogirl (Oct 23, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *LionTigerBear* 
The pain from my first labor was _traumatizing_. I worked through my paralyzing fear of it the next time by doing hypnosis using the HypnoBabies program and by scripting my anxieties with the book "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die". Bach flower therapies helped, too. I also read the book "Back Labor No More" to help prepare on a practical level in the case of another back labor scenario.

My second labor was completely pain-free until I got to transition-- way different than the first time. The whole thing was relatively short and easy. I would DEFINITELY use HypnoBabies again.










I was going to say something like this too. I got over the 1st one with Hypnobirthing and various natural birth books. I spent every sunday in Starbucks doing the fear exercises in 'birthing from within' and jotting notes in my journal. Then 40 mins every night doing hypBirth. I was bound and determined to never have to experience the first birth again, I just knew there had to be another way.

If you think it might help you, I wouldn't mind sending a copy of my journal as i worked through the grief and process of the 1st birth during my 2nd pregnancy. It really gave me a lot of fodder to heal with.


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## krankedyann (May 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Romana9+2* 







: I understand the value of preparation, but I also had thoroughly prepared for my horrendously painful birth.

Absolutely. My horrendous was a homebirth with an awesome midwife. I also did hypnobabies for that birth. I keep on telling myself that it was as good as it could have been under the circimstances.

However, 3 years later, I still have occasional panic attacks over it, partially because I didn't process it and deal with it. I'm doing that now. I should have done it 2 years ago.

Hugs, mama. You have a lot of people who have been where you are.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

I had difficult births, too. But I do have to add in, that just because you get an epidural/intrathecal or drugs, does not mean it's going to be better. My intrathecal caused me severe chronic pain where I was basically handicapped for a long time.


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## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

This is a great discussion, and it's really helping me mentally organize the birth events. DH and I see a marriage counselor weekly, so I am going to discuss the birth at our next meeting.

I'm not sure that this birth was an abnormally painful one. But I can now recognize that there were a few things that threw me off.

Some details for people who don't know me - this was my second birth. I had an epidural for my first, who was born before I found MDC. Both of my births were in the hospital, first with OB, second with CNM and doula. The labor was only about 4 hours. We had already decided not to have more children during this pregnancy, so it isn't just because of the birth. But I don't want fear of pain to be _the_ reason for no more children.

The things that threw me off are: my water breaking with no labor for 16 hours despite nipple stim, walking, bath, rest, chores. Of all the things I had researched, I hadn't educated myself about this situation, so I went to the hospital for pitocin. We were planning a hospital birth anyway, so I thought, OK, this is just a little wrinkle in plans. I had wanted to labor at home for most of the labor.

But after my water broke, DH completely freaked and tried to bully me into going to the hospital immediately. He was very mean to me and I got angry. Definitely not the mood that will start labor. DH did not want to permit me to listen to my own body.

At the hospital, I actually handled the whole pitocin labor really well IMO. It HURT, but I was staying on top of it, vocalizing, holding my doula's hands, relaxing, listening to music.

I pushed buck naked while hanging over the squat bar. Now I know I wasn't quite in the right position. I was too upright, I should have leaned forward more. It felt like the baby was trying to rip out of my butt. If I had leaned forward, gravity would have angled him more towards the birth canal. At the time I didn't realize the positional thing. All I could think of was the searing pain of the baby trying to rip out of my butt. I needed and wanted someone to apply strong counter pressure against my butt, but I was beyond the ability to speak. I reached down to my crotch myself, but I couldn't reach the back of my butt. My midwife thought I was trying to touch the baby's head, and encouraged me to do so. So I felt the top of his just-about-to-crown head.

I noticed that there was a strange woman in the room. It took me a few moments to realize it was the baby nurse. I thought to myself, 'I wish I knew her name at least.'

At some point, while I was hanging naked from the squat bar and screaming, a strange man opened my room door and I could hear him talking in the doorway. I couldn't see because the curtain was pulled, but it was still disturbing and invaded my privacy. I knew the whole floor could hear me screaming. I didn't really care who heard me birthing, but the thought crossed my mind. Another thought that crossed my mind was that maybe it was a father-to-be from another room that wanted me to be quiet. Later I would find out that it was a doctor talking to one of the nurses in my room.

My left leg got all tingley from squatting so the midwife and the nurse made me lay down on my back. This is when the baby went into distress I think, but at the time, I had no idea there was anything wrong.

Once on my back, everyone was screaming at me to push and the midwife and nurse were trying to force me to grab my legs behind the knees, trying to force my legs way up and apart in the classic lithotomy position birth. I was fighting them on everything, yelling, "NO!" and screaming. I intended to birth on my own time, in peace. I was irritated that everyone seemed to have forgotten the birth plan. I can't remember if I actually got into that position or if I left my feet on the bed.

Ever since I began pushing, the midwife had been doing 'perineal massage'. Basically, it's fingers stretching my vagina apart, and I hated it. Once I got to my back she really increased the force of this. It HURT!!! I wanted her to stop so bad, but I was beyond speaking. I finally figured out how to scream, "STOP IT!!!!" But she said that she had to. So I just screamed in anger and had to push with the oncoming contraction.

Then the baby was being born, and everyone was all "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH!!!" And I'm thinking, "Shut up, people!" But I just had to keep pushing, even when I wasn't contracting. Finally the head was out, and I thought, "Thank God, I get a break!" But everyone was still yelling to push and the midwife told me to push, so I had to keep pushing without a break and the shoulders came out and it was sooooo painful, and I think that's when I tore down my old scar.

The midwife said, "Reach down, and pick up your baby," so I did. I blindly grabbed him around his chest and pulled him up and the rest of his body was born, and I was surprised because I thought he was already out. He came out screaming and was just fine. I plopped him on my belly and opened my eyes to see his beautiful new eyes looking at me. Everyone pretty much left us alone then. I dried him off and rubbed him and wiped the fluids from his nose and mouth with the towel, and he continued to cry.

So that was the end of the horror. Baby and I stayed naked together for an hour, he breastfed. The nurses weren't allowed to touch him, since we opted out of all newborn procedures, even suctioning.

Now I know that after the head popped out, the knot in the cord around his neck was visible, so that's why the midwife made me push so hard right away with no break.

The thing that hurt emotionally was how during the birth everyone was pushing me around. I fully intended to birth listening to my own body, and I wasn't allowed to. Now I understand why, the baby being in distress and needing to be born quickly. But at the time, I just felt disrespected. I KNEW I could listen to my own body, but they didn't let me.

This is too long, I'll stop now.









ETA: Also I ended up with a bruised tailbone and a sore throat.


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## msiddiqi (Apr 28, 2005)

Wow, I just came on to post the same thing. I gave birth to my second DC 5 days ago. My first labor was 36 hours and I was just floored. I have never been able to handle much pain but I did get through it. I think with this pregnancy though, I had a lot of anxiety and fear of a long, hard labor because of my first. I was having a hard time sleeping throughout this pregnancy because I really freaking out. The second labor ended up only being 9 hours but for some reason it was even more traumatizing to me. The pain seemed so much worse and during the labor, I really thought about death as a better option. I told DH during labor that I couldn't have anymore kids, I just couldn't do it. It was my first homebirth and I'm so thankful I wasn't in a hospital cuz I think it would have been worse. I screamed at DH to take me to the hospital though, and get me an epidural even though I never imagined myself feeling that way before... but by the time the midwife got there I was already 9 cm. Fast forward 5 days and I still yearn to have more children. I feel angry at myself because I just don't want to feel that pain again. But I love my kids and I want to love more of them. I know it's only 5 days later but I just hate this feeling, I don't even know what it is. I'm having a hard time putting it into words. Sorry for hijacking (if I am) btw..


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## loraxc (Aug 14, 2003)

I was not emotionally ready to think about childbirth again for at least two and a half YEARS after my first, extremely painful birth. Actually, I think my husband had some PTSD, too. He really was upset by the birth. His reaction in a way was valuable, because he knows me very well and could tell easily that I was not being a drama queen. I really think he knew how much it hurt (as much as a man can).

I, too, get angry when people say "Well, if you'd prepared better..." Man, I went into that birth with the most excited, positive, calm attitude. It was just a sucky labor. Half the time other people's descriptions of labor make me want to die laughing. (Are you serious?? It hurt worse to get your CAVITY FILLED???
















However, we are both looking forward to labor #2. But really, it was a long time before I felt ready.


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## ChristaN (Feb 14, 2003)

My medicated birth was much worse than my non-medicated one and I feel badly about it 9 yrs later b/c I am still not sure that the interventions we had didn't do some damage to dd. I've read about sensory integration issues with children (especially children who are wired a bit differently like dd) who had as much pitocin as I/we did during that labor.

Even with demerol and then an epidural (after three days on pitocin), it was excruciating. I vomited repeatedly from the pain, they had to manually force my cervix open b/c the pitocin alone wasn't doing it and they broke my water.

My 2nd birth was very painful as well and I agree with those who are floored by the comments from moms who say it didn't hurt. I had another mom tell me that she's had worse bowel movements. She either has some seriously painful bathroom experiences or labors that are nothing like mine!









However, I did find my natural birth to be much better despite still being in enough pain that I was throwing up yet again. It was at least empowering that my body could do this without so many interventions.

I think that, ultimately, what makes the experience traumatic vs. empowing is whether you had specific expectations for the birth that didn't come to fruition. With my older dd, I expected to be able to birth without all of those interventions and I was traumatized and guilty that I didn't. With my second one, the only thing I expected/wanted was to get through it without meds and and episiotomy (I had one of those with dd#1, too.). That, at least, worked out and so I didn't feel let down or traumatized afterwards.


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## almadianna (Jul 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *QueenOfThePride* 
Heck, I would have taken a hit of crack if someone had offered it to me during transition!


I actually asked for some weed, and I have never smoked in my life but i know that my friends have always told me how it made everything less bad so I figured that weed was natural right? lol.. of course I didnt get it but after over days of active labor anything seemed like a good idea and since I was at home there was no epidural for me. Thankfully when I asked for said toke I was in transition so she was born shortly after that.


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## Full Heart (Apr 27, 2004)

Ok I can see some things that could have made your labor worse. But I don't want you to go beating yourself up or anyone else for that matter. The most perfectly positioned baby inside the best prepared momma can have the most herendous labor. So I don't want you to think in anyway its your fault or anyone elses. But for reference, esp those who haven't given birth and are fearful, Pit can make labor pain 10xs worse. Being interuppted and being somewhere you don't feel comfortable (like the hospital) can literally stop labor, it can make you contract and not progress. It can make labor more painful.

My thinking is this: eliminate all the things that can make labor unmanegable. After that you have to take what you get. Cause I 'do' everything right and still have had hellish labors. I have beat myself up. But not anymore. I know it can happen.

I'm sorry it wasn't the birth you envisioned. I hope you can find peace and heal.


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## jessjgh1 (Nov 4, 2004)

I think what would have hleped was knowing what was going on-- yet this is something that is difficult. People get so busy in the moment, knowing that what they are doing is what needs to be done, they forget to include us in it.

In my experience, the first time, I felt many of the same frustrations.... so much I *wanted* to say, but didn't. I had a hard time realizing how much I neglected my own instincts- how I let others control the situation that *I* should have ultimatly controlled. And that was hard to work through and my greatest fear the second time was that I would do that again

I was able to negotiate a few things for the second birth based on that, but I missed a lot too. For example, the first birth my son had only been placed on my abdomen and tried to breastcrawl up-- and then taken, and that was something that always haunts me. What I hadn't been told was that the cord was too short for him to reach my chest and I should have demanded that he stay with me and bfeed before going off. So this time I told my midwife and doula that if there was any reason that my baby was not brought up to chest they needed to communicate to me- for I kenw I would be very sensitive and tense at that point.

Well, that wasn't an issue this time, but there were other times that I felt a little more communication would have been nice... because I'm the type of person that WANTS to know and be prepared-- not be surprised. I guess my point is, even though I anticipated I would need certain things, I still missed many things that I should have clarified to my midwife/doula. And for you, you ended up with a situation that you needed more than they were able to anticipate.

I had to have a nst because Rebecca was late and going to the hospital for that, like I had for Joshua really freaked me out. Maybe a little of that was going on, Im sure you knew you didn't _want_ the pitocin and there's probably always some doubt as to whether or not things are necessary
I also know that though my labor was fairly mild, my fears from birth #1 started to creep in.
It was hard to feel like I was indeed handling things well, pushing effectively, etc, even though my midwife and doula were telling me so. So much just crept in a bit from birth #1 that I wasnt' truly able to trust/believe/relax. I do feel like I felt much more comfortable and had a good relatonship with my doula that I would have been able to confide something in her-- if needed, but I still think she could have 'checked in' with me a little more-- especially since I had told her that I was reserved about expressing my real needs the first time. But maybe if things had been going differently she would have-- after all I thought I had hours to go, but midwife and doula probably 'knew' it would take me far less time-- and even though they were saying that, I didn't really get that they meant minutes.

I'm not getting the feeling from your post that you felt supported. Obviously, you were not able to express your feelings and needs that you voiced in your 2nd post. I had to learn a bit about myself and my needs after #1's birth to realize that I have a hard time asking for help, for example-- and I still have a lot to learn.

I know I read your birth plan and it was well done for setting the boundaries and needs, and it sounds like some things didn't happen-- whether it was from lack of experience, lack of respect, or a genuine sense of concern that led to everything being thrown out the window and rushed...

It still not fair because YOU should have been kept aware of what was happening and why they were demanding etc. At least that is what it feels liek from this side of it-- and those things would have helped you. Maybe it still would have been just as painful, but your response may have been different.
I'm not sure how the birth professionals might feel, but my wish is that most are able to bridge this type of challenge a little better and recognize the fear that their client is having or that she is not expressing her needs.

I wish you had been allowed to trust your body and do things how you needed to-- I'll be bold and wonder if the conflicts with this, coupled with the pain that you experienced are connected together. I knwo you mentioned that your husband bullied you a little, and yet, I know in my experience since I'm the one that actually gives consent for the choices, its hard to work that conflict out. I made the choice in the end, and sometimes that's a bitter pill to swallow.

You took on a lot that made it hard to have the birth you wanted (hospital environment, pitociin, etc). I guess what I'm having a hard time expressing, is it actually the fact that you experienced this much pain that is hard to deal with, or the fact that you were not able to embrace the pain htat you had better? Well, probably a bit of both, maybe.

Sorry, kiddos need me, I hope that made some sense.

((Hugs))

Jessica


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## Arwyn (Sep 9, 2004)

Holy crap, that wasn't natural birth pain, that was pitocin-induced, mama-being-completely-disrespected birth pain. You are incredibly strong for having dealt with that.









(And I know women can have traumatic pain, or a painful traumatic experience, without pitocin, in a fully respectful atmosphere, but it's much less likely. Not that that makes it any easier to deal with when it does happen.)

I'm so glad you're working through this.


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## msiddiqi (Apr 28, 2005)

: I hope with time you are able to sort through all those feelings, but the last thing you need is to blame yourself. You did amazing given the circumstances.


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## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

Yeah, I don't blame myself.

Part of me really fears feeling pain. Another part of me knows I could actually birth again. The first part doesn't like that.


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## msiddiqi (Apr 28, 2005)

I'm right there with you


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## tammyswanson (Feb 19, 2007)

With me, except for getting electrocuted in science class (for extra credit), it was one of the most painful things in my life. Not the 'pressure' or anything that some people talk about, how I WISH I could have had a pain free birth!

I can totally understand how you don't want to experience pain like that anymore. I had a normal birth, baby was in a great position, not too heavy (6 lbs, 2 oz!), stuff like that. Transition was pretty fast, the whole labor itself was only 7 1/2 hours! Not knowing what the pain will be like is a big one for me, if I can steel myself, I can handle it better. I was SO glad I did this at home, I can't imagine how awful it would have been at the hospital.

If I accidentally got pregnant again (hopefully NO more 'accidents'!), I wouldn't really be afraid of the pain, even though it was horrendous. I would know what to expect and try to find an alternative way to deal with it, like with hypnobabies, or some other herbs. I'm so glad I took RRL tea! At least the pain was shorter than it could have been. Worst lingering pain I have is from where I tore..but it was my own fault, sticking my fingers there trying to desperately get the baby out....


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## QueenOfThePride (May 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jessjgh1* 
I think what would have hleped was knowing what was going on-- yet this is something that is difficult. People get so busy in the moment, knowing that what they are doing is what needs to be done, they forget to include us in it.

This is key. I was just listening to my body and everyone else was interfering, trying to redirect my internal birth 'path' that I was following instinctively. And I strongly resisted the interference, but was forced eventually to comply. How hard would it have been for my midwife to say, "QueenOfThePride, your baby is in distress, and he needs to be born right now, push as hard as you can." Is there a reason she didn't tell me anything? Is there a fear that if a birthing mother thinks there is a problem, she will freak out and freeze up? I don't think I would have, I think I would have just pushed with all my might. As it was, I was pushing kind of hard because they told me to, but my heart wasn't in it.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Arwyn* 
Holy crap, that wasn't natural birth pain, that was pitocin-induced, mama-being-completely-disrespected birth pain. You are incredibly strong for having dealt with that.

















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