# One Day at a Time *****MAY******



## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

This thread is being started for all of those who don't feel like they have a "home" here on MDC due to the pain and isolation of their pregnancy and birth losses.

This isn't to compete with the HHT thread but as another venue for mamas who aren't at the point of ttc or are in a place that they want to read about others as they ttc or they feel "out of place" because of the circumstances surrounding their loss.

This is a place for mamas processing, grieving and sharing their daily struggles over their birth losses, whether it is one or multiple losses, from an abortion or a surrogacy, or deciding if and when they want to ttc, or grieving the loss of their fertility.


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## Fantabulous (Apr 19, 2008)

Last month I found out I was pregnant. It was a surprise pregnancy but we were extremely excited about adding another little rascal to our home. I went through baby books looking at names, went through my kids clothes, making sure they were sorted by 0-3m, 3-6m, boy/girl, etc.

I decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy until after my prenatal visit (was this week, the 29th), but I couldn't...I tried, but I ended up whispering to people, "I have a secret, Dustin is going to be a big brother in early December."

Why did I do that? Why couldn't I have stuck to my plan? Now I have to tell people that do know, instead of just dealing with it alone. I know that talking about some things like this helps people, but it does not always help me. I don't want to hear someone who has never even been pregnant tell me "I know how you feel" NO, you do not know how I feel, I don't even think you could imagine it if you have never even considered having your own children.

This past Friday (near 8 weeks pg) I had dark brown spotting. I tried to stay calm, but I was scared. Saturday it got really bad, bright red and I passed an extremely large clot. Sunday I was cramping badly and had extremely bad cramping....same on Monday. My first prenatal visit was going to be on Tuesday. I would have had my first ultrasound. I did get that ultrasound but it just gave me the bad news. I was dilated and there was nothing visible. In disbelief I asked if there was any way that the baby was just hiding and was told that there was less than a 5% chance. I was expecting that news but it did not make it any easier.

My body did it's job I guess and cleaned itself up. Thankfully I do not need a D&C. I had my blood drawn Tuesday and go back tomorrow to make sure my beta levels are dropping appropriately.

We are unsure if we will ttc again. I want to DH says he does not want to discuss more children for at least two weeks. We speak of the loss openly, he just thinks that we don't need to make any decisions while the grief is so fresh. I understand where he is coming from, but part of me just wants to pout and scream and cry.

I don't know what to think, say or do. I just feel numb.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Hey ladies....checking in. I always read, I just don't always post. I think of all of you often.

Today I should have had my baby. I was due May 8th. But it was going to be a repeat csection ( #3) and it would have been today. It doesn't seem real. And I don't think anyone remembers that today he/she would have been born. It also has been 19 weeks since I lost our baby, and I was 17 weeks when I lost him/her. So I've been not pregnant as long as I was pregnant. Wierd. So this week will be tough for me. Another anniversery.

Hugs to you all.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I've been very moody lately. I'm like this when my period is about to start. Now I have bloating and crampls a week or so before my period. I don't need a reminder, it is kind of torturous. I feel like my body is being mean to me...again.








:

I don't know how much longer I can stand not being pregnant.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

(((HUGS)))) Heather, my heart is with you.

Welcome Fantabulous


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

ParkersMommy,

Your post really touched me.
Today must have been such a difficult day for you. I can't even fathom how much pain you must be in.
I hope that you were able to get through today with some sense of peace. Hopefully posting here and finding comfort from the other women helps a bit.

*hugs*


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

I should be almost 18 weeks pregnant, with a nice big round belly. Almost halfway there. On Sunday it will have been 4 weeks since my loss. I feel an emptiness in me I can't even begin to describe. I just want to be still pregnant.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Fantabulous- (((hugs))) I am so sorry for your loss. Telling people _is_ very difficult. Just ignore the stupid comments and nod appropriately. I also had a very hard time telling people. I don't like to draw attention to myself at all, and I never told many people I was pg to begin with. Now I wish I had, b/c I found and continue to find myself in the awkward situation where I'm telling people that I was pg and that she died all in the same sentence.








Please be gentle with yourself and let your body heal. You have grieving to do now.

Parker'smommy-







for your sweet baby, I am so so sorry mama

honeybunch2k8-









namaste_mom-thinking of you....again, I am so so sorry about your mom

DreamsInDigital-that emptiness never seems to go away, there's a constant reminder everywhere....it's just so wrong

I had a particularly emotional week. I now know it was pms







.
My dh is always very good at making me feel better, he always has something to say. Earlier this week I was having a bad night and I was very upset. Just missing Casey and feeling empty and sad that she's not still here with us. He started in with the "there's a reason she's not here" thing. Let's just say that was the beginning of a week long fight. No, there's not a "reason" I told him....I also told him that just a dumb thing poeple say to make you feel better and it sounds stupid! He doesn't understand why he _shouldn't_ try to make me feel better. He wants to comfort me and help, but he can't and he is taking that pretty hard. Augh, this sucks! I'm feeling pretty disconnected from him right now too. Later this week we had a huge blowout (unrelated) and we simply do not ever fight. I think the last time was about eight or nine years ago. I haven't really been able to talk to him since. I _had_ to talk to him last night about a house I looked at yesterday (yup, we're house hunting too). And to top it all off, I've been sick this whole week. Ok, I'm done with the poor me stuff....till next time


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## Fantabulous (Apr 19, 2008)

Thank you girls for the welcome. I really didn't know if I would continue to post here. I started the day I found out I was pregnant and was posting in the Due in Dec. area. I did happen to see this forum and find comfort in knowing that I am not all alone.

Hugs to all of you.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Thank you everyone......I keep thinking it's a bad dream. I mean, we've gone through this before...the anniversary...a year ago at the end of June. I REALLY should have a 10 month old....ugh, it's so complicated.

No plans to ttc right now. I just can't fathom what a pregnancy would be like after two 2nd trimester losses. I imagine I would be a basket case, just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I can't do that to my family and friends. I just can't. I thought soon after that I *could* do it again. But as time passes, I keep walking farther and farther away from wanting to get pregnant. Dh is on board with whatever I want, so that's good. Don't get me wrong, I want another baby, with all of my heart. But I just don't get a good vibe about it. I *know* something is wrong with me, we just can't figure it out. I've lost a lot of my faith too. My faith in me, God, my body, mankind, and more.

Hugs to you Fantabulous....MDC is a wonderful place...but this special little nook, in the Pregnancy and Loss...well, the BEST mommas are here. And I mean that with all of my heart.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

This is the hardest cycle yet. I have the diahrrea(sorry TMI),sickness to the stomach, burping, farting (sorry tmi), enlarged breasts, and bloating which should say i'm preggo, but I got a bfn. I feel like my body is being so cruel and playing tricks on me.


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

AF is here. At least I think so. My body is being so freaking weird. I'd just like to go back to being normal now!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Huge







s to everyone who is here, it sounds like everyone needs one right now!

Parker's mommy - I am so sorry for what you have endured. My heart goes out to you.

Please take care everyone!

Jen


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

Aaaaah Mother's Day... this morning & afternoon were good. Bittersweet but good. But I've pretty much spent the last 2 hrs (8-10pm) crying... sobbing. It doesn't happen as often, but it still hurts so much. We wanted Owen so badly. DH, my mom & I have been looking through the memory box again & reading my file from the hospital. It's good to good through that stuff again, at a different point in our journey.

It's interesting, w/ the pain & the sadness... it feels like it's over something really sad that happened in the past, rather than something that's currently happening. It's definitely a different feeling than the first few weeks after we lost Owen.

I can't remember if I told you guys or not, but another thing that's interesting is the way that I remember Owen. In the pictures, his skin is bright red, a little purple in some places & he is soooo tiny. But that's not how I remember it... in my arms, he felt like a "regular" baby, his skin was bright pink like a "regular" baby. In my memory, he's DD's brother, not some micro-micro premmie. It's so weird the way the mind processes things. It's like my brain "normalized" him.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JenMidwife* 
I can't remember if I told you guys or not, but another thing that's interesting is the way that I remember Owen. In the pictures, his skin is bright red, a little purple in some places & he is soooo tiny. But that's not how I remember it... in my arms, he felt like a "regular" baby, his skin was bright pink like a "regular" baby. In my memory, he's DD's brother, not some micro-micro premmie. It's so weird the way the mind processes things. It's like my brain "normalized" him.

My brain has done the exact same thing. After Audrey's birth, we got free professional pictures taken by the non-profit organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, whom I highly recommend, and we just received back our picture CD and DVD slideshow. Part of what they do is retouch the pictures in Photoshop, also to "normalize" the baby. Audrey looks so peaceful in most of them, just like she's sleeping. But then last night we looked at the pictures the nurse took with our camera, in color and not retouched. It was actually hard for me to look at them because she looks, well, dead. And even though I know she is, my mind was already remembering her the way it wanted to. When I think back to holding her in the hospital, I remember feeling so peaceful and thinking she looked so beautiful, and that's the way I want to remember her because she was (and is) perfect in my eyes.

Today has been hard. I have held it together all day long, but I just lost it on the way home from seeing my in-laws. It was like someone punched me in the stomach, and I was hit with a huge wave of reality, thinking about all the events coming up and knowing she wouldn't be there with us. I'm calm now, but I still feel physically weak, like it's hard to breath and move. It's so overwhelming, hurting this much, inside and out. I miss my baby.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

SO kinda made me mad yesterday.

I told him I was sad, and he didn't know why. I didn't see the connection between me having a miscarriage and Mother's Day. He said that was because it happen months ago. He was like, "You're still upset about that?"

Then I told him that I didn't like being around a lot of pregnant women at work. Worse, they say things that bother me. One is always talking about how she wants to be induced, about how she's tired of being pregnant. Another said I was lucky not to have any kids. Anywayz, SO told me it was a good thing b/c then I could take their hours when they go on maternity leave.







:









I didn't like how everyone was asking if I had any kids. I hated saying "No" because really I do consider myself to be the mother of a dead baby. But I don't want to go thru the whole story over and over again.

Going thru the paper yesterday, I didn't see a single things about mothers who'd miscarried. Maybe we'd like some recognition as well.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

so 'NILMDTS' really is free? I went to their website. the pics look FABULOUS.

My lochia is just about done. It's the last sign I was pregnant. I'm actually sad that it's going away.







very sad.

No one understands when I am going through other than you all. I'm so glad I found you.


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Hi all. Welcome Fantabulous. I'm glad you decided to stay with MDC. Mother's day freaking sucked. No one knows I was pg. I worked my butt off until I couldn't hardly move. I went to bed at 9:30. I've been working so hard that I've been working myself into total exhaustion. Every part of my body hurts. I keep saying that it's because I want to get the house ready to sell, but that's only part of it. The other part is that I just have this need to work hard. I think I'm punishing my body for failing my baby. I know that sounds silly, and I know it's ridiculous and I need to stop, but that's what I'm doing. It does feel good to look at the work I've done though which kind of helps as strange as that sounds. I don't know - I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but if I do that, I don't think I'll ever emerge.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

Cuddlebaby - Yes, NILMDTS is really free. Our photographer and the organization itself were such a blessing. She brought a framed picture and a framed collage to display at my daughter's funeral, which was only two days after her birth. Then, less than three weeks later, she gave us all the retouched pictures on a photo CD, a DVD slideshow, two extra DVDs for the grandparents and even a little teddy bear that says the NILMDTS prayer, although with a nicer, less morbid ending to it. The photographer was so sensitive and thoughtful. I am SO glad someone recommended it to me.

ColoradoMama - I hear what you're saying about staying busy. I've been doing a lot of cleaning around the house lately, and today I did a long workout at the gym. I feel the same way about wanting to just curl up into a ball and cry, but knowing that I might not be able to come out of that once I start. I'm trying to find a balance between being overwhelmed with grief and ignoring the pain, neither of which are healthy. Basically, I'm letting myself cry when I need to, but not seeking out things which I know will make me upset, like looking at my daughter's pictures. It's hard to do, but that's what I'm shooting for.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

to all

I survived Mothers Day, one moment, one day at a time


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

ugh...I'm having an angry type of day....I was reading the PAL thread ( like I always do) because I like to check on the mommas that I was in the PAL thread with and I just got SO angry. Nothing they did, said, nothing. I just was (and still am) so angry that they are still pregnant. Why do they get to be and not me? I was in there with two pregnancies....

I was reading posts by girls who joined the thread when I was there, just barely pregnant, just barely deciphering the bfps on their sticks and now they are like one month from giving birth. They are in the home stretch. And here I am...too scared to even get pregnant. I also feel myself jealous of the moms in ttc who are so hopeful and WANTING to be pregnant. I want to be brave like them. I want to be so trusting of their bodies.

I'm sorry, I'm just so mad today. I don't know why....I guess I'm just working through it all, still, slowly....trying....


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

hugs.

you have every right to be angry. grief has no rhyme or reason. I've been angry lots lately.


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I'm afraid I'll hurt myself if I'm not pregnant soon.
The thing is me and OH's sex life is on the rocks, and he'll be out of town most of next month. *sigh*

I'm just starting to feel worn.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

No more.....I can't......I'm done.

I am starting to miscarry my 5th pregnancy in 14 months losing my 6th baby. This cannot possibly be true....this has to be a cruel joke orchestrated by everyone to try to take my soul away.

We just went in for a routine checkup, a routine u/s to check babys' progress. The last u/s showed baby healthy and kicking and a regular heartbeat of 160 bpm.

But today.....nothing.....and the silence from the OB as he tried this view and that view to make it different. But nothing.

My dh wasn't there for the last u/s and I hate that the first time he sees our baby to be is dead and motionless on the screen.

I hate life!!!! I scream it at the top of my lungs ""THIS ISN'T FAIR"!!!!!!


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## DreamsInDigital (Sep 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
No more.....I can't......I'm done.

I am starting to miscarry my 5th pregnancy in 14 months losing my 6th baby. This cannot possibly be true....this has to be a cruel joke orchestrated by everyone to try to take my soul away.

We just went in for a routine checkup, a routine u/s to check babys' progress. The last u/s showed baby healthy and kicking and a regular heartbeat of 160 bpm.

But today.....nothing.....and the silence from the OB as he tried this view and that view to make it different. But nothing.

My dh wasn't there for the last u/s and I hate that the first time he sees our baby to be is dead and motionless on the screen.

I hate life!!!! I scream it at the top of my lungs ""THIS ISN'T FAIR"!!!!!!


Oh that is just not fair! I am so, so sorry for your loss.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I am also so sorry Mamaterra. huge huge hugs.


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Hugs Mamaterra....I am so so so sorry. You have been through so much already...you're right...it.is.not.fair. It just isn't. I'm in tears thinking of you and how you are feeling and how totally defeated you are feeling right now. I wish I could just leap through the screen and hug you so tight and tell you that I care and I care about your babies......

Thinking of you sweetie.....


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## Pookietooth (Jul 1, 2002)

I want to still be pregnant, too. I would be 12 weeks this week. My belly actually kind of looks like I'm showing now -- I keep gaining weight. I think my often crappy hormones are getting crappy again. Sigh.

Many many





















to you mamaterra. It is so unfair.







: So sorry to see you here, I remember you from the Dec 08 due date club.


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## Eliseatthebeach (Sep 20, 2007)

Oh Mamaterra I am so so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself, this must be so hard.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

What a friggin mistake posting my "news" on the PAL board!!!!

It was like "Sorry" and then "Hey how is everyone else doing?!?!" Like stepping over my body that is in the way of their joy.

What a fucking mistake!!!


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Mamaterra,
I am very sorry for what you are going through. I can't even imagine what you and DH have gone through in the past year and a half. So much heart ache.
As for posting on the PAL board...sorry that you didn't get the response you were hoping for and deserve.

Parker'smommy,
*hugs* to you. I feel angry at a lot of people too and then I feel guity for it. I think it is pretty normal but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt us less.
The anger is something I have to keep to myself and suffer with it. People sure aren't accepting of those emotions.

Feel free to vent here because there are others like myself feeling a lot of those same things.


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## wantads (Apr 1, 2006)

Mamaterra,
I am so heartbroken for you. You are one of the only mama's who really reached out to me with my loss last week, you touched my heart. I had no idea this is what you were going through the past few days. I am so terribly sorry. The cards you have been dealt are so cruel, it's just not fair . . . I am so sorry for all your losses and grief. I will be praying for you and keeping track of you.
Michele


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Rosemary -
I'm so sorry to read about your loss. My heart is breaking. No one should have to endure what you have been through. I hope that you can find moments of peace amidst the madness.
d.


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## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)

I found out from my doctor that our chromosome analysis on my latest m/c was "normal". He also told us that our baby was a girl. Now I'm awaiting results of blood tests to see if they can pinpoint why I keep having repeated m/c.
It's hard not to be discouraged when I just went through my second mother's day without my angel Charlie and there's no baby in my belly like there was supposed to be.


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## avivaelona (Jun 24, 2005)

Oh Mamaterra







I really don't think that is how anyone is feeling at all. I know my heart is heavy at your loss and I've thought of you several times a day and I barely know you.

I think we are all so afraid of losing again that we struggle to keep going and hold hope even as we grieve for you...I'm so sorry though that it hurt you. You have a right to be angry when of course all you can see is the words on the page, but I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking of you and of how unfair this loss is.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I'm so sorry Mamaterra







I wish that you were not going through this again :cry

As for me, I'm completely empty and lost this week. I feel like it was yesterday when I lost him and I'm so miserable. I wish this pain would go away. I had been doing *ok* until this week and I have been a very mean mama bear to my kids and I cry all the time know matter what I'm doing. Francis would have been 4 months today. I'm just dying inside...


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Gratefulbambina - I'll light a candle for Francis tonight....((HUGS))


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

to all

I think I should get some help. I've had urges to drive thru busy intersections and fantasies of driving my car off bridges. Not good!

I've been riding OH pretty hard for a few weeks. I'm mad b/c I feel like I'm carrying 99% of the emotional burden while he is merely "sad and disappointed."


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Today, Norah has been gone for 6 months.

I love you little one!!


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Today, Norah has been gone for 6 months.

I love you little one!!

Thinking of you today Norah, salt lamp will be lit. Find some peace today D.


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## catballou24 (Mar 18, 2003)

oh mamaterra...i'm so very very sorry...i wish there was something i could say to help ease your pain, but just know that we are all here for you as well as for each other...







you are right, it's just not fair at all!


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

Mamaterra- I'm still thinking of you...HUGS friend.

Namaste mom- hugs to you....it's crazy isn't it? It feels like yesterday and forever ago at the same time doesn't it?

honeybunch2k8- Oh honey...I hope you do find some support.Thinking of you. I get angry at dh's feelings about everything too. But they are his feelings and valid even if they aren't as extreme or the same as mine.

I had the wierdest dream last night. I had a dream that I was sick, and had some testing done and my mom comes in with the results and says that I'm pregnant with a baby girl and that the baby is perfectly fine. She says that I'm like 3 weeks 4 days. Then all of a sudden, I'm 3 months 4 weeks ( whatever that means!lol...) and I feel good that everything is alright and that the baby is okay. I mean, I felt SO good, and not stressed out at all. I also never find out the sex so that was weird. And when I woke up...for a few seconds I thought the dream was real and that I REALLY was pregnant. And I was sad when I realized that I wasn't. And that is a new feeling. My feelings are usually are about NOT wanting to be pregnant. And all of my dreams are usually negative, especially during my last pregnancies that I lost. I had many dreams of my babies dying....and they did.

Thanks for listening/reading.


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
No more.....I can't......I'm done.

I am starting to miscarry my 5th pregnancy in 14 months losing my 6th baby. This cannot possibly be true....this has to be a cruel joke orchestrated by everyone to try to take my soul away.

We just went in for a routine checkup, a routine u/s to check babys' progress. The last u/s showed baby healthy and kicking and a regular heartbeat of 160 bpm.

But today.....nothing.....and the silence from the OB as he tried this view and that view to make it different. But nothing.

My dh wasn't there for the last u/s and I hate that the first time he sees our baby to be is dead and motionless on the screen.

I hate life!!!! I scream it at the top of my lungs ""THIS ISN'T FAIR"!!!!!!


Rosemary- My heart is breaking for you. Noone should have to endure this, I mean noone. Lots of light and love to you. I am holding you and your family in thought. Please take care. I am sorry that DH did not get to see the baby w/ a HB!

Love and hugs,
Jen

I wish I could hug you IRL!


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *namaste_mom* 
Today, Norah has been gone for 6 months.

I love you little one!!

D-I will be thinking of you and beautiful Norah. I will light a candle today and keep you in my thoughts. I wish I could reach through this computer and hug you. Lots and lots of love.

xoxoxoxox,
Jen


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Mamaterra, big ((((((((HUG)))))))


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

This morning I woke with an unbelievable sensation of Francis. I could picture his face immediately when I woke up. I'm not sure if I had a dream or if it was a feeling. I was surrounded by him and I can smell him so strong this morning. Oh I hope it was that he visited me. I so need him, I've been a wreck for the past couple weeks.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *gratefulbambina* 
This morning I woke with an unbelievable sensation of Francis. I could picture his face immediately when I woke up. I'm not sure if I had a dream or if it was a feeling. I was surrounded by him and I can smell him so strong this morning. Oh I hope it was that he visited me. I so need him, I've been a wreck for the past couple weeks.

huge tearful hugs to you!! (reading your blog)


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Gratefulbambina - i think Francis is visiting you. (((HUGS))) what a gift from Francis.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

I am angry today and furiously cleaning so that I don't misdirect my anger inappropriately....


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

So DD9 comes home from school and tells me 'Connor's Mom had her ultrasound. She's having a girl."
This took a minute to register. All I could say is "oh yeah" and tried not to throw up.
Connor's Mom is due the same time I _was_. She wanted a girl and went on about how her sister bought her a book on how to make girls. blah blah blah. She told me this knowing full well I lost my baby 6 weeks prior. I told her I didn't care what I had...I just want a baby that lives and isn't in an urn in my living room. Argh. I feel bad for being jealous and angry.
How come she has it easy and gets what she wants? Last time I spoke to her at the school she was chugging a coffee. I wanted to punch her. I felt like asking her if she quit smoking yet.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Chris - I totally know what you are talking about....I see parents who are smoking or being neglectful, harsh or rude to their children and I think "how can you deserve a child whereas I can't seem to have one.

Or I hear that so-and-so is pregnant and I know what her lifestyle is like and here I am looking to do everything naturally but she can get pregnant and not even think about the consequences and I have to walk on pins and needles?!?! How fair is that?!?!


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## smocklets (Jan 11, 2007)

((hugs)) to all of you, but also thanks for sharing your feelings. reading this thread has given me comfort, and allowed me to shed some tears that I've held in all day. I lost my baby two weeks ago at 10wks. I was due Thanksgiving Day. This was my second miscarriage.
I am supposed to go to a baby shower this weekend. I just don't think I can do it. I still cry when I pass the baby department at Target. But I feel selfish for not wanting to go. Its not pregnant women that bother me, but all the little baby clothes that I will not be using now. what would you do?


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Don't go. Why put yourself through that torture? If you want, send a gift with a note attached explaining why you didn't attend, if you want to get that much into detail.

You need to take care of yourself right now. If there is anything that I can pass on as a senior at miscarriages, you have to put yourself first and everyone else will have to understand or file it under *[email protected]*^!!!


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

hi, everyone. new here. unfortunatly. i m/c my first pregnancy. about 5 weeks along. i was in a car accident where the guy was arrested for DUI. he tryed to bribe us to leave. he was on drugs of some sort, ran a stop sign and we "T-boned" him. went to the hospital with cramping and the ER doc said i was fine as far as he could tell. week later got the follow up blood work. hcg numbers never went up from the time of the accident. i just lost my baby last friday and just stoped bleeding today. i just found out he was uninsured. im so lost and devistated. i love my baby and nothing will bring it back. i planted a rose bush for a memorial. the rose bush is called hope. im so affraid that the stress of it all caused this but im also afraid that since i dont have any children that this might be a pattern for me. i read that people lose babys for no reason. im just so worried that it will happen again and again and ill never have a family. i dont know what to do


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

fuel - I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, women do lose babies for no reason and no one can figure it out. I can not be of comfort on that point. Many women on here have a multiple miscarriages (((HUGS))) but still they find the strength to try again. It is amazing. All you can do is try to get pregnant again and do the best you can to keep the baby. If something goes wrong again then some testing might be in order.

smocklets - mamaterra is right, don't go.

Kayda's mom and Mamaterra (((HUGS)))

Kayda's mom - when you said DD9, I thought you meant you have 9 daughters, I thought wow, that is alot of daughters, and then I checked your siggy and your daughter is 9.


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

namaste_mom,

No I have two daughters. I would take nine, just not all at once. Hopefully there is another one in our future.

Mamaterra,
I think that is good avice. Why put yourself through something that is going to cause yourself pain. I told my Mom about Connor's Mom having a girl and a bit about the conversations we had when she kept phoning me (and saying ALL those dumb things that people say about miscarriage). My Mom told me to tell her "I am glad for your fortune but I am still in a lot of pain so please STFU". I will omit the last part. DH has banned me from answering any calls from this woman as every time she called I was a mess for a couple of days.

Perhaps the PP can send a card and a gift card so that she doesn't have to go and deal with baby clothes etc. If people cannot understand that then to $^& with them.

fuel1316,

That's horrible. To have to deal with your loss and then financial issues on top of it......you don't need that. I am sorry for everything you are going through.
There are a lot of women out there who have had a m/c and then went on to have many babies. There are also many women out there who had multiple m/c and still had success stories.
I try and think of those when I am feeling down...which is a lot.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

thank you both. my emotions run high thoughout the day as im sure everyones does from time to time. im alittle more calm now.... i can look at the bright side, i found out i have uninsured motorist coverage and can go after my insurance for damages. every time i deal with insurance i realize i would be having to deal with ALL of this if it were not for that guy.

thank you for the encouraging words about children after m/c. a m/c just shkes you to your core and i never realized why or how until i went through it. you really start to question everything. im glad i have all of you to help me though this difficult time and it makes me feel better to know i can be here for someone when they need me

thank you again ladies


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Fuel,

*hugs* glad you will have some coverage.

yes a m/c crumbles your world and it is a very slippery slope tyring to crawl back up and get your life back.

I was at the walk in clinic yesterday and the doctor told me his wife had a m/c and then went on to have four children. A lady I work with had two miscarriages in between her children.
My MIL had 3 m/c after DH and then went on to have my BIL and SIL.
Success stories are all around you...unfortunately it is a subject people do no talk about.
Hearing about success after loss helps...but it does not take away the pain you are feeling for the loss of your baby.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

thank you for your support. it does get a bit better every day but i think it will always hurt. the success stories warm my heart and calm me down when i think it will never happen for me. thank you for helping.

i do have a question though. this is my second day with no bleeding and my OB said since i was only 4-5 weeks along i dont have to wait. should i anyways? is she wrong? im hearing all theses people saying to wait but she didnt. as far as not being able to chart my conception date, i cant anyways. my can go 1-3 months without getting AF so i never know. any advise?


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

fuel1316,

I have posted about this before.
I was 13 weeks, had a D&C, and was told to wait 2 cycles...which would put me at now.
whatever.
I didn't listen to any of the talk from the gync...even when she said that there is a greater chance of m/c if I get pregnant too soon...as my hormones would be wonky.
I did try...and I NEEDED to try. All I could think about is two friends of mine who got pregnant right away..one for sure without even getting a period.
This is far from a qualified medical opinion..but I thought that if my body was ready then it could happen. Do what you and DH need to do for yourselves.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

it was a natural m/c my baby died at about 4 weeks and i had no idea then the day i got my blood work on week 5 i started bleeding so in my eyes my baby died at 5 weeks not 4 but acctualy at 4 but it was natual and from what i understand i m/c quite fast which my DR said is perfect and good so that makes me feel better and i feel fine and want to try asap but im just worried as im sure anyone trying again would be.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Fuel - Big







to you. So sorry about your pain both physical and emotional.

Me - Feeling lower than low...like "skimming the dirt" low today. I am just having a hard time breathing today, little alone getting anything else done.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

it pains me to know that. im sorry. im here if you need any one to talk to or support. things will start to look up soon and take time to relax, time for yourself to heal. im lucky enough that im a stay at home wife (i dont have kids to look after) so i just clean, laundry, groceries, etc so i took all the time i needed to heal physically. just tell me and ill do what i can to help cheer you up!







does this help?







it makes me laugh


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

Fuel







I'm so sorry

I'm trying to come back, I've been so depressed that my husband actually talked to me last night and told me I needed to get help. I saw my natural-path a few month back and when I called her this morning she said that it was definitely time to re dose. So I go see her tomorrow, hopefully I will be better. I have not been a very good mom to my other two and I hate feeling this way. It seemed to kick in a couple weeks before Mothers Day and stayed. I have had thoughts that scared me, I may seek out counseling help too.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

thats aweful about how your feeling. im sorry. im here if you need to talk about anything if your dh thinks you need help then dont be affraid to do it. i know it sucks now and you feel terrible but just remember when you get up and get help it will get better and youll wonder how you got by without it


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Is it just me or do you hate staring at that Blooming Bellys Soap ad everytime I come to this forum?!?

It is like rubbing salt into my gapping wound....


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

re: Blooming bellies soap

I hate the ad too.

It's like I can't even be in my own home and be under my safe rock.

One of the things I hate is the supermarket tabloids at the checkout that have Angelina's twin belly on it.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

thoes are ads are hard to look


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kayda's Mom* 
re: Blooming bellies soap

I hate the ad too.

It's like I can't even be in my own home and be under my safe rock.

One of the things I hate is the supermarket tabloids at the checkout that have Angelina's twin belly on it.

Totally!!! The news about Angies twins broke the same day that I found out that our baby died...talk about acid in the eyes....

Quote:


Originally Posted by *fuel1316* 
thoes are ads are hard to look

Just PM Catherine, this forums mod, about it and she can give you some options.


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## gratefulbambina (Mar 20, 2005)

I actually have a box of those belly soaps on my fridge leftover from my blessingway. I also have a stack of towels in my bedroom to be used for the homebirth that I haven't had the heart to put away. I did put away my birthkit, but not the towels


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kayda's Mom* 
re: Blooming bellies soap

.

One of the things I hate is the supermarket tabloids at the checkout that have Angelina's twin belly on it.

Ditto, and with every other celeb. It's starting to annoy me. I can't help to think about how some of them will have elective c-section, not brestfeed, etc. They have the opportunity to do things I wish I could like breastfeed and have a natural birth but choose not to. Whatever!


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## Kim&Brooke (May 16, 2007)

Mamaterra







: I am thinking of you. Your heartbreak is one no mother should have to endure. I am so sorry for all of your losses.

Im feeling really bitter and angry still. I get so angry at people for having healthy babies. I know its irrational, but I think to myself "F--- you" pretty much every time I pass a glowing pregnant woman.









It's especially bad when I see someone pushing the stroller we had bought. Its the only thing we returned of Caden's things - because that was the biggest, best purchase I made, and I was SO excited to use it - I cant imagine ever having another baby use that stroller. So seeing anyone pushing the same stroller...well it kind of makes me do this...









I have no patience whatsoever. At work, at home, with my son etc...its just awful. I dont want to be this mean bitter person. I want the happy Brooke back. I feel awfully guilty for not being a better mother. I feel guilty for having no patience with Rory. I know so many women who lost their only baby/ies and I know I am lucky...and I feel unworthy.

D - I am always thinking of you and darling Norah


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## smocklets (Jan 11, 2007)

I've been crying secretly about my baby, not wanting to upset my other three kids. But yesterday my daughter mentioned the baby, then said, "does that make you sad? are you still sad about the baby?" I said, yes, I am still sad, but it is still okay to talk about the baby. She seemed relieved and said, "I'm still sad about the baby too." I told her where the baby was buried in the backyard, and she spent most of the afternoon there, praying and bringing flowers. Made me cry harder, but also felt good that our baby is so loved and missed.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

im sorry ladies for the pain your feeling. it breaks my already broken heart







:


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## Kayda's Mom (Feb 5, 2007)

Kim&Brooke,

You are NOT unworthy.

Every single one of us is a very worthwhile person and don't think otherwise just because you haven't the happiest thoughts about other people/situations.

All of us are going to get through this one step at a time and I think we need to take those steps our way at our own pace.

Put away the home birth supplies, return the items to the store if and when you are ready and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

I had a hard time putting away my maternity clothes I had just bought. I am still wearing nursing bras. It's my comfort zone and I am not ready to change that. phhhhtt to anybody who has a problem with it.

We are all good people and we love our children very much...all of them...and it is important to go through these feelings.

I just came from accupunture for the first time. The doctor asked me if I cry everyday. I don't but the days I don't cry are rare. I cried myself to sleep last night missing my baby. Can I change any of that? Not right now.

Love and hugs to all of you wonderful women and for all the support you have all given me directly and indirectly.


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

I'm still bleeding and tomorrow will mark one week since I birthed our precious baby.









I am very low on energy, although I am getting lots of sleep. I can't seem to shake this feeling of my energy being drained from its' core.

I started reading "Coming to Term" a book on miscarriage that I received a couple of months ago. I attempted to read it when I first got is but had the attitude that "my bad luck is over, I'm never going to need to read this book". Well, tragically I was wrong.

Brooke - I totally relate with you. The day before yesterday I overheard one woman tell another that she was pregnant and due in January and the first thing that came to my mind was "[email protected] you, what makes your skinny ass anymore deserving than mine?"

Chris - crying....I don't know if I could every cry again. I am so drained from crying over this past year that it seems redundant by now. But I can definitely relate....

Fuel - Thank you for your love. I know how hard it is to reach out when you yourself are drowning in your own agony, but somehow it gives us purpose. Many







back to you.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

i think one of the harder things to deal with after a m/c is being introduced to web sites like these. they make dealing with this tramatic situation easier in the way of help and other women to lean on but its hard to read everyone story of why they are here and that i even had to look to begin with.

never have i been exposed to m/c. noone had them and if they did the was no mention of it. i didnt realize it happened this often and was this painful.

i hate that we are all here. but i love the support and affection i get. thank you


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

I can't seem to get my shit together. Normally I am miss superorganized, but lately I am just drifting between on activity to the next without any kind of direction whatsoever.

This only frustrates me more because I am getting nothing done. Anyone else like that?


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

im normaly very on top of chores and other things (since i dont work and taking care of a house is quite a job) cleaning hardwood floors with cats, laundry, groceries, dinner, etc im very active with cleaning and tidyness but after my m/c i didnt care anymore. the floores went uncleaned, the counter tops not washed daily, no laundry or dinner made, i didnt care any more and i made DH do most of the work on top of his job im slowly coming out of it. getting things done now is helping me through it all, getting things back on schedule.


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

I can relate to not getting things done. The first two weeks, I was cleaning a lot, but I think at that point I was still in shock and needed to stay busy. Now that I feel like I'm doing the hard work of grieving, it's challenging for me to care about cleaning the house. I know I would feel better if I stayed busy and accomplished things, but the motivation isn't there.

Another problem is that I had already put in my two weeks notice at work right before Audrey died, so now I have no job and no baby to care for either. I didn't like that job at all, so I'm not crying over losing it, but it's been so hard to shift all my plans and expectations. Being a stay at home mom was going to be my life and now...I feel at loose ends. I can't decide if I want to get a part time job, volunteer or just stay at home. It's overwhelming trying to redefine my purpose while grieving.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

oh im sorry that has got to make the hard times harder. i dont have any children (yet) but i stay home and take care of the domestics while DH works and i find it easier to grieve becuase i dont have to pack all my feelings away to go to work so i can get things done or not to depress my co workers.

imo if you guys have the money for you to stay home a while, i would suggest it. grieve on you on accord and with chores you will find that some days just doing one or two things at your own pace will get things moving, after you tell your DH the things you got accomplished for the day it helps you see that you can function and get things done

after you start to feel a little better then you can make the decision to get a part time job if you want


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## ~Mamaterra~ (Jul 5, 2006)

I hurt so bad, I hurt so bad, I hurt so bad that I am having to physically push myself forward in order to get things done.

I am using the rationale that I've BTDT so I should know how to deal with my emotions and get through things but it just isn't washing with my subconscious...

I have no one to talk to, no one to cry to, no one to listen. I am the plague and everyone wants to keep back away from me lest they catch whatever bad karma I have. I am like a twisted traffic accident that people avert their eyes from just incase they see a dismembered limb or bloody entrails spilling out.

This is what I am emotionally and no one, NO ONE wants to be around me so I suck it in and pretend that everything is ok. I barely (in comparison to the other m/c) have talked about it, cried about it because I know, unfortunately from experience, that you lose friends and family when you grieve. You lose your spouse to infidelity when you grieve, you lose your children to avoidence when you grieve. So I don't grieve and then I become paralyzed. I think I am going crazy....


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

I have been doing ok for a few days, but today was rough. I could hardly get out of bed. I have to force myself to eat something. I'm just feeling very unhappy with my body b/c it failed me and my baby.
















@ Mamaterra


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## Kim&Brooke (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ladybug732* 
It's overwhelming trying to redefine my purpose while grieving.

















:
that is EXACTLY where I am right now. Trying to find my purpose but I'm so distracted I can barely finish a thought...


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## ladybug732 (Apr 29, 2008)

Mamaterra. I have no words to take away your pain but know that I've been thinking and praying for you. All of us around here are listening and care about you.


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## JenMidwife (Oct 4, 2005)

to you all who are hurting today

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
I hurt so bad, I hurt so bad, I hurt so bad that I am having to physically push myself forward in order to get things done.

I am using the rationale that I've BTDT so I should know how to deal with my emotions and get through things but it just isn't washing with my subconscious...

I have no one to talk to, no one to cry to, no one to listen. I am the plague and everyone wants to keep back away from me lest they catch whatever bad karma I have. I am like a twisted traffic accident that people avert their eyes from just incase they see a dismembered limb or bloody entrails spilling out.

This is what I am emotionally and no one, NO ONE wants to be around me so I suck it in and pretend that everything is ok. I barely (in comparison to the other m/c) have talked about it, cried about it because I know, unfortunately from experience, that you lose friends and family when you grieve. You lose your spouse to infidelity when you grieve, you lose your children to avoidence when you grieve. So I don't grieve and then I become paralyzed. I think I am going crazy....









omg mama, that sounds like the most painful, lonely place I can imagine







: I'm so very, very sorry that you're there & I wish there was something we could do from afar.

Please be kind & be true to yourself. Stop in here & say whatever's on your heart. We







you here


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## Kim&Brooke (May 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
I hurt so bad, I hurt so bad, I hurt so bad that I am having to physically push myself forward in order to get things done.

I am in the same place. I am so sorry that you are dealing with such pain. I feel so awful right now I dont know how to keep going...and I hate knowing that there are other mamas out there feeling the same pain.

I feel like my life stopped the day my Caden died, and from here on its bad on top of bad. Nothing good has happened since then, only bad...


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## ColoradoMama (Nov 22, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~Mamaterra~* 
I hurt so bad, I hurt so bad, I hurt so bad that I am having to physically push myself forward in order to get things done.

I am using the rationale that I've BTDT so I should know how to deal with my emotions and get through things but it just isn't washing with my subconscious...

You know, BTDT doesn't work with m/c as I know you know. They're all different. Just when we think we have it figured out, it doesn't matter because it just hurts. It hurts and sometimes it's just unbearable. It hits us at times when we don't even expect it. Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my due date with the twins I lost. I haven't finished grieving for the daughter I lost in February and here I'm mourning my twins in the middle of it. It sucks. It totally flipping sucks. All I've done is push myself and my body is giving out. I'm laying on the couch today in pain, and I can't work anymore. All I've done is work, but it doesn't change anything. Instead of hurting on the inside - now I'm hurting on the inside and the outside. I just want to ignore the world for a while, but I have four kids, too, and I can't do that. I try to focus on the positive, but it only lasts so long. Be gentle with yourself mama.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

you guys need hugs!














and much love!


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## smocklets (Jan 11, 2007)

we've almost made it through May. my m/c was May 3, and I am grateful for this forum to find comfort, knowing I am not alone.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

hope that june is our month for all of us ttc!! i hope i hope!!







: heres to lots of







tons of







and







for all


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## honeybunch2k8 (Jan 14, 2008)

Being around pregnant women still infuriates me. It was ok for those few days when I thought OH and I had set a TTC date, but not anymore.


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

im sorry for your pain.


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## jmo (Mar 18, 2006)

hey mamas, it's been forever since I've been on this thread. Mamaterra, I am so so sorry to see you've had another loss. It's just too much. My heartbreaks for you. Sadly, I see some new faces....wish you didn't have to be here.
We had family in town for awhile and then went on a camping trip so I had a nice distraction for everything for awhile. But, now it's back to reality and it's not going so well. I found out one of my best friends is pg and it is killing me. So much that I'm completely avoiding her. I just can't take it. She complained to me a little bit about her m/s and now I just have so much unbelievable anger and resentment. I can not feel happy for her. I literally can not be around pregnancy or even anyone talking about pregnancy. Last week was my due date for my second m/c baby so I'm sure that has something to do with it all. I just read an email from another pg friend talking about how her belly is growing and I'm just losing it. Why don't ppl understand how hard it is to watch it happen to everyone else and not you?


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## fuel1316 (May 22, 2008)

im sorry sweety that this all hurts so bad. on the 16th of this month i lost my first baby naturaly at 5 weeks. on top of the pain i feel my close friend called me the other day (they have a 3yo boy and a 7 mo girl) and said i think wifey is PG and niether of us can handle another baby right now. i about lost it. im dieing for a baby and i just lost my first ans they have sooo many babies they cant handle it all and hes complaining to ME of all people. im like uh hello! why would you tell me this and hes like oh sorry i didnt think about it. whatever. he even mentioned abortion and im dieing inside when he says all this. I WILL TAKE THE BABY GIVE ME THE BABY!!! she took a hpt yesterday. shes not pg. so i guess that makes 2 of us.


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