# Guess what someone said to me?!



## KatherineinCA

I just have to share with you all that yesterday, I do believe I heard the winning comment. (Winning the prize for the most insulting thing someone's said to me since my baby died.)

I ran into an acquaintance, who, when hearing that we learned during labor that our baby had died, said, "Oh, we walked that path as well." Then she patted her 8 year-old daughter on the head and said, "Except, she turned out okay." "What?" I said. "Yeah, when she was born they rushed her away because she wasn't breathing." So I was picturing that she was life-flighted to a hospital with a NICU. "Was she in the NICU?" I asked. "No, they had her on the other side of my room and were working on her."

So, later I wondered, what "path" had we both walked? The only similarity between our experiences is the one minute when she was wondering whether her baby was okay, and our time before the ultrasound when we were wondering whether our baby was okay. After that, nothing was the same. Do people just not get that my baby is DEAD? That woman has had eight years with her daughter, that I will never, ever have with my son! How can she insult me to such a degree?! Not to mention that she has never experienced the horror of burying her own child. Of knowing that her baby's body is under all that dirt, and she will never be able to touch or see it again. I think it's fitting that I heard that response on a day when I was already "losing it."

Now that I'm on the subject, I would love to hear everyone's "winning" comments... that one, really stupid thing that you still can't believe someone was idiot enough to say to you. Even though she was probably trying to be sympathetic, I'm in a very angry place right now, so I just want to be angry about it!


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## khrisday

Katherine,
I'm so sorry you had to go through that- it is a really insensitive comment.
The one I heard over and over was "You're young- you can have more"
Which was really ironic at the time because it had taken us a full year ot even get pregnant, and we DIDN'T know if we were going to be able to have more.


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## glh

Well, one that comes to mind is when I was at a support group for infant/pregnancy loss and some woman said her loss at 5 months of pregnancy was worse than the loss of my baby who died when he was 3 1/2 months old (after a full-term uneventful pregnancy) because her baby would have been "perfectly normal". That still gets my goat 15 years later. And then there was the one that someone said to my dh "well, you knew he was going to die" because we had been told right after he was born that he would only live a year or two at most.

I also heard someone at a Compassionate Friends group say that after she lost her teenage daughter someone told her she understood how she felt because her child was away at college!

If only most people knew that they would be better off just saying "i'm sorry" and giving you a hug, it would prevent so much anguish.


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## simonee

Holy guacamoly, people really say those things???






















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No wonder Babywise is such a hit...









Sometimes you'd wish you could stick people's mouth somewhere in their @**... well, you know where.

I don't know what to say to you ladies, except that I'm so so sorry for your sorrow....


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## 1jooj

Sad.









How do people become so outwardly blind? Like the only pain in the world is MY pain, and everything else is...well, not real or valid...? What has happened???

I have to say--I went to the library and borrowed The Red Tent. I read it in three days (home recovering form my own loss). While it is not the best work I have ever read, it is certainly a really good read, and I think people should read it. It relates the pains that can happen to women without flinching, and without being sappy. Makes these losses a shared experience--like they should be.

A loss can be a chance for sympathy, empathy, and instead women are made to think we have to compete over EVERYTHING--including how much hurt we have had in our lives.







: Every loss thread I read makes me cry. I wish we could be open and work together on the pain. Instead we either have to hide it, or expect to be told "that ain't nothing."


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## XM

After we lost our daughter, we went for a short trip to the Oregon coast. When we came back, there was a card in the mail from my grandfather (who I have barely any relationship with at all). Mind you, we had explicitly stated that we did NOT want cards because we did not want to be exposed to the hurtful and stupid things we knew people would say, and I had made it clear that I especially did not want a card from him.

His card actually said, "...maybe God did not want you to have a baby now..."









I wrote him a letter prettymuch ripping into him for being so hateful, especially as we really did not have a relationship he had no right to comment on our daughter's death, let alone in such a cruel fashion, and that I did not want to hear from him *ever* again. Due to this, I have not heard from my aunt since then (his daughter, my father's sister)... I guess my standing up to him caused a mild scandal in the family and she was 'hurt' by the words I had for her father.

Um, what about MY hurt? Who lost the baby here?

I am so tempted to point out her hypocrisy to her... she had PID and a ruptured tubal (old school IUD gone horribly wrong) and was never able to have children and could not adopt. I really want to ask her how she would have felt had her father said to her when this happened, "...maybe God did not want you to have a baby, EVER..." because that is the equivalent of what he said to me.

Some people just f*cking amaze me.

XM


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## 5796

I came to this thread to see how KatherineCA was doing and what I learned is that people are so wrong.
NOrmally I say people are lame. But in this case I really think people are just darn WRONG.
all of these stories just remind me that people are narcissist....their stories, their moments, their feelings are so much more important than others...especially people who really are in a much more significantly based pain.

I work in hollywood and this place is loaded with dramahogs...but i have suspected for some time that even out of this community there always are people that have to suck up all the oxygen in the room. why they are on this planet I sure don't know.

I had two m/c before my son was born. One about a year before and the other way before my son was bornk. For both, there was a definite feeling of loss but the first one was complicated because my husband and I weren't married at the time and it was at the beginning of our relationship. One of my lame friends said when she heard I was pregnant said basically, "Are you crazy, do you know what you are doing?" This is person who's personal life is an absolute three ring circus....I mean barnum and bailey level.... I knew it was complicated but I also knew we would some how make it work with the baby. Well, I got that bitchy comment from my friend and later that night I began to miscarry. Any accident? I think not. She didn't cause it but she didn't make things better.
But now seven years later I can see it for what it was.....she wanted to be the center of attention and she didn't like that I was the center of conversation that night at dinner with her and my two other friends.
Sadly, later my own mother said my friend was just trying to say the right thing and maybe she was doing you a favor.

And, that my friends is why I don't encourage much of a relationship with my mother, the first narcissistic woman in mylife followed by years and years of more so called friends.

so many people are just trying to be Scarlet O'Hara looking for all that drama of gone with the wind. And some of us are just hard working Melanie.


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## emmaline

these stories just make my heart ache, I'm so sad to hear about these painful experiences

((((((((((((hugs to everyone)))))))))


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## JessicaS

wow. I can't believe people said things like that, it is unreal.

How can someone equate losing a child to one going away to college?? GAH!!


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## kama'aina mama

Wow. I thought I heard some dumbass comments after my mother died, but clearly people save their best efforts for those who have experienced miscarriage or loss of an infant.

Katherine and any others here who have been through this, I am so, so sorry for your terrible loss. I am even sorrier that your pain was magnified by those you had reason to hope might lessen it.


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## Ruth

I'm sorry, ya'll.

Hugs to you who have lost children, suffered so much, and then suffer more from these cruel people.


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## indiegirl

Katherine, I am so sorry someone said that to you (((hugs)))

I've posted this recently in another thread, but the other day my aunt sent me an email titled "How Disgusting" that said the family sure got a laugh over my 36-week pg picture I had recently sent. She said I looked like an octapus and that she could even make out an eye in the octapus (my belly button).

Ha ha ha so f*cking funny. I still don't know how I am going to respond.

Oh, and this Christmas a woman at my aunt's Christmas party (different aunt) told me that the baby I lost last year was most likely deformed at it was better to have lost it than to have had it.










I am really struggling with how to deal with these kinds of people.


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## Clarity

Pity. I think we should pity these poor people who have *no* idea how hateful and ignorant they sound. How tragic to be so self absorbed, and such a rotten human being that they can't even just say 'I'm so sorry, this must be so difficult for you.'


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## its_our_family

I don't even know where to start! I haven't really heard a lot of dumb things. But the one I've heard over and over and the one that really upsets me is the whole......It's what God wanted.......First off, they have no idea what God's plan for my life is. Second, if they had any intelligence at all they would know that God doesn't not "make" things happen. He simply allows them. (might not make sense but if you know the reasoning it does) Third, why would it be in God's great design to give such joy and then snatch it away? Why would he say "this family deserves to have joy...no wait...I've changed my mind"

It like people think that if they say it was God that we are supposed to be able to just accpt what happened and move on. I'm sorry but the God I know and serve isn't like that.

I'm so sorry you guys have had to experience these things from unknowing, ignorant, uneducated people. And the ones who have had loss and still say these things were tricked....they were tricked into not being allowed to mourn or feel their pain. And I feel sorry for them....and sorry for the fact that we have to listen to their ABSOLUTE STUPIDITY!!!!!!!!

(wow...I didn't know I had these feelings in me.....but thats another story for another time!)


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## Stacymom

I have a real winner...

My first pregnancy ended in a very painful miscarriage at the end of my first trimester and I was really, really struggling with it. A few weeks after, two ladies and their two toddlers from my church came to visit me. I wasn't really close with either one of them. I have to preface this by saying that we hadn't been married very long, and we had just bought a brand new living room set that we had saved for for a long time. Anyway, they asked me how I was feeling, and I thought they were referring to the m/c, but it turned out that they hadn't heard. When I told them that I had lost the baby, there was a moment of silence, then one of them said, "Well, at least you have nice couches."

I can laugh about it then, but at that point, I was about ready to say, "You know, you can have my furniutre if it means i can have my baby back." Needless to say, these two women were not welcome in my house again.


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## queencarr

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for all of you, your losses and your experiences with stupid people and comments. We have been fortunate in that I didn't get any comments like that after my daughter was stillborn, and dh only got one. He won't tell me what she said, only that her heart was in the right place but it came out the wrong way.

OTOH, I got so many I'm sorry's and I/we love you's that really helped. Also, telling me of their own losses, many of which I had no idea about. One of the most special came a couple of weeks after my daughter was born, from a woman that told me about a little girl that was in a headstart program that she worked for. The little girl is now 11, and the Mom still kept in touch. The little girl was the only living child, the mom had a total 17 miscarriages, stillbirths, and children die before age 2 before this daughter. The perseverance and strength of this woman I have never even met has carried me many long nights since.

Carrie


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## kaje62

Wow you women are Saints and amazing. I don't know if I deserve to be on this thread.

Anyway after my m/c one of my ex boyfriends that I thought I adore who I compare my dh to when I am mad at him showed up with flowers a couple days later and said, "Are you sure you guys are ready to have children?" I wanted to say, "You know Rik just because you will never be ready to get married does not mean we are in the same boat as you."

And of course I got the usual,
It is God's will, God's plan etc....etc....
God wanted the baby more than you

OH and the worse which I will never understand can from my sister who had 7 years of infertility,
"Well at least you can get pregnant cuz it only took you 3 months. You have no idea what I go through."

Well 3 months later I got pregnant and 5 months later, she got pregnant. And guess what 3 months ago she had her second and now I am pregnant with my 2nd. Maybe someone who has experienced infertility can help me understand my sisters cruelness.


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## Eman'smom

Boy and I thought I had a bad one, I don't know how some people can be so cold, college and death are not the same thing, neither is death and a baby taking two minutes to breath after birth.

Mine is while the horrible on call doctor is doing the exam during my miscarriage says "well at least you know your plumbing works". He also said that if I still *really* wanted to be pregnant I could try again in a few months, like my beautiful planned pregnancy was somehow a horrid accident.

What does it take for some people to realize the loss, I'd say they should go through it, but I couldn't wish this pain on anyone.


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## karenpl

{{{ HUGS }}} to all. it is sad that people can't just be supportive! What's so hard about an 'I'm sorry!'?????

I have a friend who could come up with a reason for every miscarriage. 'Well, if you had rested more, it wouldn't have happened' 'Well, if you had not been shoveling snow, it wouldn't have happened' 'Well, if you hadn't dug out those bushes...'
You get the gist.

Not as bad as some of the comments I've read, but still pretty insensitive!

Karen


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## srain

"Maybe now you'll finally find Jesus." Now, knowing I did not believe in any god in the first place, did she really think I'd suddenly have fond feelings for him after my son died? Sure, I'd love to believe in heaven now more than ever, but c'mon....


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## Laurel

Quote:

_Originally posted by kaje62_
"Well at least you can get pregnant cuz it only took you 3 months. You have no idea what I go through."
Maybe someone who has experienced infertility can help me understand my sisters cruelness.
I've been through 7 years of infertility, and I would never in a million years say something like that to someone. The only "reason" I can come up with is that grief sometimes makes us do things that we would never dream of doing or saying otherwise--and I still don't think that's an excuse. I would be lying if I said that I had never for a moment had this type of thought. I have--but I recognized it was from my own irrationality and my own anger--and I would never, ever, ever say something like that to anyone. (And the few times I thought something like that, it was very fleeting and quickly corrected--I've tried to let my pain bond me to others instead of creating a wedge.) I loved what someone said earlier on this thread to the effect that we can't quantify and compare "pain" and it's heartless to try to do so.

The worst incidence of insensitivity I've heard of was one I read in a book. I believe it was true. I heard of a woman who had a close relative announce a pregnancy at her baby's funeral!









For me, the worst thing anyone ever said to me was that she knew that God never gave us trials we couldn't handle--so He must feel that I wasn't ready to handle motherhood! Luckily, I had my wits about me and was feeling enough on top of things to tell her exactly what I thought of that one!


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## Hikaru

The most hurtful/least helpful thing anyone said to me came from my own mother. My miscarriages all happened at 6 or 7 weeks and her response the first time was "Well, it wasn't a real baby yet anyway. 10 years ago it would have just been a late period.
You wouldn't have even known you were pregnant."
Well, this time I did know, so it (sic) was a real baby. not an "it".

I forgive her, and most of the other people who have said things like that. I think they mean to either cheer you up or, in the case of the woman who hurt the original poster on this thread. perhaps to identify with your loss in some way.
Either that or they just plain are not thinking before they speak,
so I try to forgive them for their carelessness.

Peace,
Hikaru


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## kaje62

I agree, most of the things that people say they are trying to help and say things without really thinking. The best thing they can say is, "I am sorry."


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## glh

They all came back to me after thinking about this thread. One of the worst was from a former co-worker who had a son about the same time I had my ds, the baby we lost. He was just home after one month in the NICU and had a feeding tube surgically implanted so we could bring him home. I pumped my milk during his hospital stay and while he was home. Not easy to do full-time round the clock. Obviously, I knew he would not ever be able to nurse, but I felt my milk would at the very least make him more comfortable. Anyway, this woman called me and during the conversation actually said she wished she could just pump sometimes and not breastfeed!!! WTF was she thinking? Then three months after my ds had died, this same woman sent a Christmas card that was a picture of her two boys together. Her boys were the same ages as my oldest son and the son we lost. I just lost it when I saw that card. I don't think I ever spoke to her again, just too painful. Maybe I overreacted to the card, but I couldn't help it. I also have to say that my own extended family was probably the least helpful and sensitive.

On another note, there were many who did say the right things and I also heard for the first time about losses that two of my aunts had suffered.


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## Anna Trueblood

kaje, I've had both pregnancy loss (2 actually) and infertility, and it believe me, it is harrowing not knowing for certain if you can even get pregnant. If you know you can get pg, medically speaking, you have ruled out a lot of problems-- you're ovulating, your tubes are clear, your eggs are viable. And treatment for recurring miscarriage is more successful than unexplained infertility. 7 years is a whole lot of uncertainty-- 91 disappointing periods. I guess I don't get the feeling that your sister was being insensitive, to me, it really sounds like she was jealous of you at that time.

My first miscarriage, my then boyfriend and my then best friend expressed nothing but relief for me and refused to acknowledge my grief. It was about 15 years ago, so I don't remember specific comments.

My 2nd miscarriage, my dad actually said that I shouldn't be trying at all because I was renting. And I got the god crap too.


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## kaje62

Thanks Anna, she did say it angry and timing wise it sucked. But I will never know her pain and she will never know mine or the fear I felt when I was pregnant with Charlie and the fear I feel now. Everytime I wipe, I look for blood. And my period has taken on a whole new feeling.

And by the way her 2nd babe is Anna.


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## Anna Trueblood

Congrats on your current pregnancy! I know the feeling of looking for blood, hyperanalyzing every cramp. I remember freaking out and calling my doctor crying because I had 1 day without morning sickness. I really envy those who can enjoy their pregnancy without that feeling of constant worry.

When I was a little girl, my name was so uncommon, but I thought it was cool. I'm glad to see it making a comeback.


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## TerryBerry

When my friend told the assistant Sensei in our aikido class that I'd had a 2nd miscarriage, his response was "Yeah, well, that happens all the time in the first trimester."

I can't believe how he trivialized it...as if it's no big deal and I should not get too upset about it. Iam not going back to the class. I just won't be able to restrain myself from telling him off...and it's not really worth it to me to go through that.

It just baffles me how incredibly insensitive people can be. I've been lucky for the most part. My family has been wonderful--my mom had two m/c's and my sister had an m/c and a stillbirth, so they've been a great source of comfort.


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## kaje62

terryberry, I am so sorry and your loss is so recent. blessings


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## anniemom

I lost my beautiful daughter at 38 weeks two years ago. After she was born, my husband and I held her and took many pictures of her so that we could always remember her perfectly sweet face.

I was very hurt that my best friend did not come to her funeral. She thought it would be better if she came later, after everyone else had gone home and I was left alone with the hurt. Maybe she was right, but it still hurt that she didn't come right away.

Anyway, when she did come to town, I decided to show her the pictures. (And I had only ever showed them to my mom and sister.) I desperately wanted her to understand how very deep my loss was...how perfect this little girl was, that she was real flesh and bone and how very sad I was. I wanted her to say, "She is beautiful." That's all I wanted to hear. But do you know what she said?
"Why are her lips so dark?" That was her only comment.

So instead of saying, "Thank you, I think so too." I instead looked at her and had to explain that since she was dead there was no blood flowing. And I guess that would make one's lips dark.

I've never been able to tell her how much that hurt me and I never will because I've decided that she can never understand that part of my life.


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## Clarity

I'm so sorry she said that, I think even our loved ones have such a hard time knowing what to say. I am sure your daughter was so beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss.


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## 5796

anniemom, your posting took my breath away.

i'll never know what makes people do the things they do...


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## Hikaru

Trabot, in this case it was probably just ignorance and discomfort with the situation. Not that that makes it any less painful.....

Anniemom, my condolences on the loss of your baby. I'm sure your friend probably wanted to kick herself after she said that.
I don't know you but I really wish I could give you a hug.

Just the day before yesterday we visited a Japanese friend whose daughter died when she was about a week old. She too has tons of pictures of the baby displayed on a little altar she made, surrounded with all these pretty pink flowers and also holding the urn with the baby's ashes. One of the pictures was taken by the baby's 3 year old sister at the funeral. I have to admit I had a knee-jerk American reaction to that...it bothered me that the toddler would be exposed to death so openly. Americans have such a hard time dealing with death, and I have subconsciously absorbed that. Even after 13 years in Japan, and three miscarriages myself, I still try to deny the reality of death, which Japanese people in general seem to be more comfortable with.


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## 5796

Hikaru,
Yes, I think you are right about anniemom's friend. I don't think it was meanspirited just probably discomfort and sadly ignorance.

I too think so many other cultures respond in a more beautiful way to death.
I think the altar and the pink flowers and the little sister's participation make the loss seem more rounded, more whole, if that makes sense. doesn't take the pain away, but at least honors both the baby as a full member of the family and I think honors the loss more completely.


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## Ms. Mom

anniemom, a warm and gentle welcome to you. I too lost a daughter at 38 weeks. It took several days for her to finally enter the world and there was a great deal of slipage on her beautiful face. I keep her pictures with me and only share them with a select few.

I think it's hard for others to understand our loss because they didn't know the child as we did, they didn't loose the dreams we were denied.

My heart goes out to you and your family as you journy through your greif. Please feel free to post here and lean on the community for support and understanding.

Because I've been involved in many pregnancy and infant loss groups and organizations over the past 9 years I've seen many pictures of stillborn babies. Some in the casket, because that was the only place to get a picture. I see them all as beautiful no matter the condition. But then, that's how I am.

I'm touched by every mother who has lost a child and their story. I only wish others could see it that way and at least 'try' to understand.

Hikaru, isn't it sad how we look at death? I've studied many other cultures and how they view death. It's actually very commen in many cultrues to photograph someone in their coffen. As for kids esperiencing death. I think it's healthy if they have an adult to move through it with them. Then they can ask questions and be assured.

We have a wall in our house with pictures, poems, birth/death certificate and other momento's of Amanda Leigh. Our kids know she's their 'spirit sister' and it's just 'normal' for them. We've made her a 'place' in our family.

However, it's always interesting when someone comes to our house for the fist time and sees the wall. Usually, the comments are kind, but we've had a few...

Gently with love to everyone,

Jacque


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## MossbackMeadow

My goodness. I don't know how you mothers who have lost a near full term or older baby can go on functioning. I can't imagine the grief after all the the months of happy anticipation.

My little comments can't compare with some of these:

A friend, after my 2nd mc, said, "Well, at least you have other children." That hurt.

And my aunt, when my youngest son was 3 months old, told me, "Now you just need to lose the beef!", meaning I was carrying some extra mothering weight. I would never say that to someone.

People can be such idiots.

MM


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## KatherineinCA

Anniemom--I so understand that need for others to think our children are beautiful. My son Kevin was stillborn at 38 weeks as well, Nov. 10 (three months ago). He had quite a bit of bruising. A conversation I overhead between my daughter (8) and her cousin (also 8) summed it up for me:

Brittany: "Don't you think Kevin was cute, underneath his bruises?"

Mary: "Yes, he was really cute."

My daughter needed so badly to hear that someone thought her brother was cute. I was driving and they were in the backseat when I heard that. I was so grateful to my niece that day. She gave my daughter a gift that very few could.

Does anyone know what causes the dark mouth? Some of the babies I've seen don't have it, but I don't know what the difference is.

I also understand the realization that some friendships will never be the same. Some friends have still not responded to the letter I sent out announcing Kevin's death. I just don't understand. Discomfort with death or not, how could they not acknowledge our loss?

Thanks to everyone who vented with me. It always helps to know I'm not alone...

Love,
Katherine


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## Clarity

I think the dark mouth has to do with blood pooling, so it depneds on thier position after death, as well as how long...my ds's appearance changed quite a bit over a few hours, so the photos the hospital took look quite different than he looked right after birth.


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## tara

I am stunned. Just stunned. And saddened that so many mamas had to hear words like these in their hardest moments. People can be so dumb and clueless and self-centered...

When I m/c, I had a lot of the usual comments, the 'well, at least you know you can get pg' kind of comments. To which I finally replied, "Yes, but that doesn't fix this one!"

Worst comment from a nurse in the recovery room after my d&c. "How old are you??" I tell her and see her doing a little math problem on a piece of paper, thinking, "Oh, tell me she isn't doing what I think she's doing..." "Well, you have 14 childbearing years left! Good for you!" Uh, yeah.


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## abakerbird

I mentioned in another thread that I got (from the OB nurse, yet!) the "oh, you're young - you can have lots more babies" Of course, if she'd looked at my chart, she'd have seen that I'd been trying for 3 years and only got pregnant then with the help of several months of Clomid. And my hospital room? - directly across from the maternity window! How stupid is that?!

The other comment that I heard was (makes me gag to think of it) "Well, God must have needed another little angel more than you needed a baby."

Uhhh-I don't *THINK* so!!!!


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## dancinggirl




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## dancinggirl

When I had a very early m/c I would tell people that I would of never known I was preggo if I did not take the test so early.
That is my way of dealing with the pain. It does not mean I do not feel any pain about my loss. YKWIM.
Point is, I think most people just do not know how to deal with someone else sorrow because most people do not know how to deal with their own.
((((((((HUGS)))))))


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## MelKnee

I'm so sorry you all have had to hear such insensitive things.









After my son died, my sister asked me why I wasted the name. I had named my son after a favored uncle.

My ex-pastor's wife told me that my son was not in heaven because he had not been babtised.

And my ex-best friend said there must have been something wrong with him, so it was for the best.

I don't speak to any of these people anymore.


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## Ms. Mom

Melknee - not that you need me to say this. I was born and raised a christian, though I don't practice now. I do think that The God we preach in Christianity LOVES our children. He would never deny a child the right to heaven because us mortals didn't have some silly ritural!

It always amazes me what people will say. I got a lot of "there must have been something wrong with her" too. We had my dd tested for genetic defects and such. She was perfect! The placenta detatched - people say stupid things to avoid having to deal with others pain.


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## Viola

This thread really has the tears flowing. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, and it is so hard to believe that people would be so insensitive.

I will say that some of the things that people say after a miscarriage don't bother me necessarily because I honestly do feel like they are trying to make me feel better. But the people who compare some trivial thing in their life to a loss of a child...gosh, I can't stand when people say things like, "Wait, I can do you one better!" Or, "I know exactly how you feel because my guinea pig died last month." It's very hard to understand when people say things where it is clear that they are trying to take a jab at you.

I remember when my father died and I went back to work a week later and was acting kind of bummed out that first day. One of my coworkers said she wanted to cheer me up by taking me for ice cream, and she said it in a cheerful voice like she wanted to jolly me out of my funk. It pissed me off, and I told her that I didn't want to be cheered up, which caused a tense moment as she was angry at my display of emotion, I guess. I would have been more upset, but she had just lost her mother a few months before. I don't think she liked the way I was showing emotion because it wasn't what she would do, so I tried to be sensitive to her as well.


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## Christi

My best frien from Highschool said to me " Your baby was probably retarded or something"







I couldn't believe those words came out of her mouth. I was in such shock that I didn't know what to say. She was pregnant with her second at the time. I know she was trying to make me feel better. Holy cow that was rude.


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## RileysMom

The worst thing said to me while I was pg was this: (I didn't loose the pregnancy, but this was my big *shocker* comment)

I was grocery shopping and had done a big, stocking-up trip. I was feeling a little crampy and was 6 months pg and BIG, so I asked for help carrying out the bags. The bag helper girl said this, "why do you need help? you need the exercise!"

I replied that I was being careful not to overdo it. So she adds, "if you miscarry, you can always get pregnant again!"













































(This was after struggling with infertility)

I still get mad every time I see that girl in the store!


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## JessicaS

I don't think I would have been able to control myself after hearing something like that...ugh what is wrong with people???


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## Christi

I worked in a grocery store for 6 years, let me tell you. That comment was so unacceptable. I would have immediately told her manager. Where I worked we used to bend over backwards to take care of moms of babbies and pregnant ones too.


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## carmen veranda

So sorry to hear all the sad sad stories and lameo comments...

The woman who sang at my dd's funeral, who died 5 days before Christmas, said, "God must have needed a baby to 'play' baby jesus in the christmas pagent in heaven." I kid you not. Like, "oh, well if he needed a baby to be in a play, then please take mine!!!"


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## rootsaloo

My most hurtful comments came from my Mother. I miscarried at 17 weeks and 12 weeks. After the twelve week miscarriage my mother said "Well, I was suprised you told everyone so early." We had waited til 10 weeks before we told anyone. The other comment came when I was telling my mother how sad I was over the loss and how afraid I was that I wouldn't get pregnant again. She said "Thats exactly what I felt when I went through menopause and realized I wouldn't have any more children". I know that she was just trying to find some common ground but I hardly think menopause and miscarriage are the same...


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## LizD

My MIL was due for a visit on a Thursday. Tuesday the baby (23 weeks!!) died and I had an induction over Tuesday-Wednesday. Thursday I was flipping out. She arrived Thursday evening. Friday morning I was hysterical kapow out of my mind. My husband went to his mom and said, please don't make a big deal of this, but she's really in a bad way and we need a couple of days to be alone.

her sister lives five miles away, she has tons of family and friends here. She had plenty of places to stay. She did not speak to me or my daughter, her firstborn granddaughter who was only 8, for almost eight months, and says she will never stay in our house again. She also said some other unimaginably cruel things to me and my husband, and got my SIL to stop speaking to us also. She has never apologized for any of it and her husband asked *us* to apologize properly! At least he finally gave that up. No one has ever mentioned my loss again and frankly I think they have forgotten about it.

a friend of mine (male) called this serious drama theft and said she obviously could not bear it that for once I was rightfully the center of attention.

As far as her not staying with us again, well, no great loss without a small gain.


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## gurumama

I'm so sorry, to everyone, for all the wretched comments/actions. Too many people are truly so self-centered they cannot believe the word matters beyond the tip of their nose.


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## sadie_sabot

Quote:

_Originally posted by Stacymom_
*I have a real winner...

My first pregnancy ended in a very painful miscarriage at the end of my first trimester and I was really, really struggling with it. A few weeks after, two ladies and their two toddlers from my church came to visit me. I wasn't really close with either one of them. I have to preface this by saying that we hadn't been married very long, and we had just bought a brand new living room set that we had saved for for a long time. Anyway, they asked me how I was feeling, and I thought they were referring to the m/c, but it turned out that they hadn't heard. When I told them that I had lost the baby, there was a moment of silence, then one of them said, "Well, at least you have nice couches."
*
Holy Cow!

A month or two after my son Misha died during delivery, i got a call from an aquaintance who was once a friend. (we were friends when he was sober...when he started drinking again he drove me nuts). (drunk at a party this guy once said that every man should have a vasectomy and eery woman should have an abortion. Ummm, hello?????)

so anyway, he was kind of pathetic and would call late at night sometimes, and if i was the unlucky chump who answered the phone I would sometimes talk to him, since we had at one point been friends.

so he calls me up, and he says, well i heard about what happened, and I'm calling because something like that has just happened to me and i know just how you feel. so I get all sad for him, oh no, what happened, thinking maybe his mom had died. But no, what happened is he hadn't paid the bill on his storage unit for too long and they'd auctioned off his stuff. So i said, um, you know, stuff is not a LIFE...and he said, well, but I'm a writer and all my writings are gone!

After I hung up i wrote him a letter and said, i would gladly lose all of my STUFF and live in filth and poverty on the STREET if i could have my son alive!


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## glh

Quote:

_Originally posted by Ms. Mom_
*
It always amazes me what people will say. I got a lot of "there must have been something wrong with her" too. We had my dd tested for genetic defects and such. She was perfect!*
Take my word for it, it still hurts just as much even if there is something "wrong" with your baby. My three month old son died almost 16 years ago and there is not one day that goes by that I don't remember him. No, the pain is not anywhere near as raw as it was years ago, but it is still there. You don't love your children any less because they are not "perfect".


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## Mama Sunnie

I can't begin to understand what it means to lose a child and i will not pretend i do. In 1995 I had an etopic pregnancy that had to be terminated, but even that does not come close to experiencing the loss that you all have had on this thread. My heart breaks for you and I am also sorry about the comments made by people who were blind and ignorant. My parents died 9 months apart the same year and I can relate to the stupid comments made and how shocked I was at the insensitve comments made by friends of my parents trying to console me in my loss. There were a couple i wanted to slap the shit out of, and didn't, but often wished I had. Again, I am very sorry for your losses and i will keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayes and light some candles tonight .

Sunnie


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## witchbaby

my sister died at 18mos. after only six months with cancer in 1977. it took my parents 5 years to become pregnant with her. after she died, it took them another year to become pregnant with me.
after my first miscarriage, my mother said, "don't think of it as losing a real baby." i stared at her and asked her exactly what i was supposed to think of it as. she just looked uncomfortable and didn't say anything.
after my second miscarriage (which was extremely early-- some still call these "chemical pregnancies;" i found out i was pregnant on tuesday and began bleeding on thursday), she sighed and said (of my doctor's confirming the pregnancy despite the low hcg levels): "i wish they wouldn't get your hopes up like this every month."
i can't understand how my mother can be so heartless after experiencing years of infertility and the loss of her own child. that's part of the reason we still haven't told her and my father (and the boy's parents, either) about the hulk. i'm still so offended about the way they reacted to my other babys' deaths that i don't want to allow them into this joy for the entire time.
petty perhaps, but those two lost babies are just as real and loved to me as this one is.


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## Bean Mama

Funny, but I actually take some comfort from knowing that the baby I lost last week at 12 weeks never would have grown into a person. I'm very sad and disappointed, but I feel that it was never going to be a child. And I also take comfort from the existence of my 3 year old dd. So, I can understand why people would make those kinds of comments.

Personally, I'd be very careful about making them to someone else. I'd try to get a feel about how they were dealing with their loss first.

I only had one disturbing comment made to me. We found out that the baby wasn't alive at my 12 week ultrasound. A few days later I started to bleed. As I was sitting, waiting in Accident and Emergency the lady sitting next to me started chatting and I ended up telling her why I was there. She said, "You should find out if it is a girl or a boy," and then, "If it is a boy, wouldn't it have been nice for your daughter to have had a little brother to play with?"

I stopped talking to her.


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## Lisa Gooseff

I just read your letter and I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. There are no amount of words that anyone can say to ease the pain you feel. I am an RN in labor & delivery and have been in many of the same situations with patients. It is so devistating. I really think people are stupid and just don't understand the right words to use to express their feelings. I think they feel they are being helpful when really they are being hurtful. Please know there are those of us out there that feel the pain in your heart.


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## EmmalinesMom

I'm so sorry people have said such hurtful things.









The dumbest thing someone said to me was with my most recent m/c in March of this year. She said, "My neighbor's had a miscarriage, so I know just what you're going through."

Um....no.


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## dlb

I am sad beyond words about the pain you ladies have gone through, and how it has been compounded by such stupid comments.

A question, though...I am one mama who has not experienced a loss, and I often wonder what I should say to someone who has. I don't want to to highjack this thread, but do any of you have any stories about things someone said or did that was helpful? Thanks if you do.

dlb


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## Bean Mama

dlb - I really think it varies from individual to individual. The best thing to do is just listen at first and try to determine where the woman is coming from.

Also, you can't really go wrong with just saying, "I'm so sorry." And then, some people will be in so much pain that anything you say will hurt. This, of course, is not your fault.


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## glh

Saying "I'm sorry" along with a hug means so much. The biggest hurts are when people try to minimize your loss or tell you why you shouldn't be in so much pain. When someone said a genuine "I'm sorry" and then let me talk about my son, that meant the world to me.


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## KatherineinCA

I agree with Bean Mama and glh, "I'm so sorry" has been the most comforting thing anyone's said. Along with hugs, flowers, food, and taking the time to look at my pictures of Kevin. There have been many friends who have listened as much as I have needed to talk, and that is a gift I will always appreciate.


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## dlb

Thanks, ladies, perhaps I was making it more complicated than it needed to be. More listening and true compassion, no great speaches, seems to be what you are saying. Thanks again.

dlb


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## turquoise

I keep posting and erasing, so here goes. My mom said "don't you want that dead thing out of you?"







I don't think I could have hated a person more. It was my first mc, and they were taking hormon tests to make sure that our dates weren't off. I was very sure of the date, but I was hanging on to hope. My hubbie and I didn't talk to her for weeks, and when we got pg again I didn't tell her until well into the 2nd tri. And that is the standard now. Every pg she's only known about it well into the 2nd, or right after the mc.

My mom's a tough cookie, and often spends most of the day chomping on shoe leather, but that was the absolute worst thing she could have said at the time. I look back, and I know she only said it because she didn't know what to say, but that would have been the perfect time to just shut up. It still makes me cry thinking about it. But mom and I are well now. She's just a rough person, and I love her anyway. She told me later that she had had a mc that I had never known about and I guess that was her way of dealing with it. She was so angry over the loss she just wanted to have her d&c and mope. So I try not to blame her but on the same note, I don't put myself in a position for a broken heart anymore.


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## Mutherluv

I also had a very hurtful comment made. After I found out Guido didn't have a hearbeat I was taken to the hospital to be induced. I was so very upset, and wanting the birth to be over. We found on the ultrasound that he was in the breech position. I remember the doctor sitting across from me, I was, well, begging for a c-section. His comment was because the baby was already dead a c-section couldn't be justified. It woudn't matter if his arms and legs were broken during the delivery. I will never forget those words. My beautiful, perfect, healthy baby boy, that had just died, ment nothing to him.

I guess some things do happen for a reason, my dh was away with the army when I found out about our son. He was just handed a piece of paper that read infant gallo deceaced. I checked into the hospital Wed, he didn't get home until Friday night, Guido was born Saturday. So, I guess that because of that jerk doc. my husband was there for the birth, and got to hold him.

So sorry to go on and on, and also, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope you can somehow find comfort in talking out your feelings. It has been very helpful to me to talk to others that have gone through the same thing


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## Hikaru

Mutherluv, my condolences on the loss of your baby. It's really sad that some doctors just see birth as a job to get done....clearly that doctor didn't take your feelings into account at all.


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## ladylee

Oh Katherine-







.


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## KatherineinCA

Oh, wow, Mutherluv, that is horrifying. This thread is amazing--what people will say and do to mothers in pain is hard to comprehend.

Ladylee--thanks for the hug.

Love to you all,
Katherine


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## mamamoo

Mamas...I am so sorry for your losses, and that people can be so selfish.
I found out my baby died at my 12 week check up, and I didn't miscarry until I would have been 15 weeks. A lady in my playgroup said(this is maybe 2 weeks after), well I bet lots of women used to miscarry, and didn't even know it. Now we have the tests and everyone finds out so early. Ummm...I was almost 4 months along when I actually miscarried...I think most women would have noticed missing 3 periods!! And so what this was not 20 years ago. I lost my baby now!! Grrr...I didn't even know what to say.

This same woman, I just found out today is losing her baby. She was only about 4 weeks away from her due date. I want to do something special for her...I know the loss of a baby(though I don't htink I could ever know her loss), I want her to know that I am thinking of her...


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## Mutherluv

I don't know if this helps with something nice to do, but, when people brought meals to my family, it was such a huge help. I really had no interest in cooking, or anything else. I have other children, and it was such a big help to me. Also I would like to offer my sympathy to all the mama's that have lost babies. Its nice to vent in this thread. One more thing, I read on one of my loss sites that this July 12, there is going to be a national balloon release. I am planning to participate, did any other mothers hear about this?


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## Kirsten

I think "I'm so very sorry" or "I'm thinking of you" and a hug is all you can (or should) do/say. There are so many comments made to people who suffer the death of a loved one - most all are made with good intentions but just not an ounce of pre-thought. In this country, we are not taught how to deal with death - or how to support those who are left.

I have not experienced the loss of a child - pre or post birth - but did lose my parents when I was a kid. Some people make helpful comments; some people make idiotic comments; some people avoid you like the plague. It doesn't mean they don't love you or care about your loss - they are just so uncomfortable and don't know what to say or do and don't want to make you cry. I think some people are barely holding it together over their own personal losses and being that close to yours may send them over the edge. There are just tons of reasons why some people do seemingly thoughtless stuff at times like this.

But some of these comments - that grocery store girl should have been reported to her manager! And the couch comment! Whoa. I can't begin to defend those morons! Not that I am trying to "defend" any of the other dumb comment-makers - just think that they are sadly too insensitive to know how what they say will make you feel.

So very, very sorry to all of you who have experienced this loss. I cannot imagine the depth of the pain you feel. That does remind me of what NEVER to say to anyone who is grieving - "I know how you feel" unless you actually do! Some people said that to me after my parents died - well, no.... if your parents are still here then you DON'T know how I feel...

Again, my sincerest sympathy,
Kirsten


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## kilrust

The best one I heard came from a social worker in the hospital after we had lost our second baby was that "You should be right as you have been through all this before and you will know what to do"!!!!!!!

Ruth


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## Madame Ovary

It's just astonishing how callous people can be!

My dh's youngest brother was killed in a car accident many years ago, when he was 19. I remember talking to my fil a few years later about some of the things people had said to him. When talking about how devastated he and his family were, someone said, "Yeah, I know, when my dog died...." Can you even imagine equating the death of a child with the death of a pet??? Unreal.

No one has been so rude to me, but I got a lot of the comments others have mentioned; you know, the "true" but belittling comments like:

"I know it hurts, but *seriously* every woman I know has had at least one miscarriage." Oh, so I should just blow it off then?

"There was probably something wrong with it, so it's for the best." Maybe that's true, and if so it compounds the sadness of the situation. Again, don't belittle my grief.

After I had a m/c at 12 weeks in May '98, then another at 6 weeks in September, soon after that my mother commented to me that I was looking really chunky and should go on a diet. "Honey, you're too young to just give up!" (give up on my looks) I reminded her that I had been pregnant twice in the past 6 months and she shup up. It would have been cruel no matter how big I was, but just to illustrate the level of dysfunction: I was wearing size 6 jeans at the time.


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## Ms. Mom

Next time someone tells you 'there was probubly something wrong with the baby' let them know that ACTUALLY, that's untrue. Most miscarriages are due to the baby not attaching correctly. Genetic test have concluded that 85% of miscarried babies had nothing wrong with them at all (which is the same percentage of living babies). I do have the research someplace, I'll try to dig that out. My infertility specialist gave me the article on it years ago.


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## EmmalinesMom

Quote:

_Originally posted by Madame Ovary_
*

"I know it hurts, but *seriously* every woman I know has had at least one miscarriage." Oh, so I should just blow it off then?*

I get this a lot.







: Why should that make it any better?!?

{{{{hugs}}}} to you...


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## Mutherluv

I just can't believe how many stories of pain there are. I am just so glad to know you are all here to listen


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## Nicke

I have just spent the last half hour sitting here and reading these posts. My heart breaks for all of you mamas who have lost a child. And to have your pain compounded by the insensitive comments of people who should be there to lean on, well that is just unbelievable. Hugs to all of you women for being the strong loving people that you are.


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## yamamama

well I guess this is the right place to share this incredibly insensitive and innapropriate comment: It was made by my OBGYN who is a complete moron and jerk in my opinion although I've been told numerous times that he is an incredible surgeon/doctor.
I found out that my baby was no longer living during an ultrasound in my 14th week. It had been a really stressful first trimester both because of nauseau and indigestion and the fact that I had been diagnosed as having a slight placenta previa. I was convinced that things were going better and was hopeful that the bulk of the placenta had migrated upward when I was told that the baby had passed away.
I went home incredibly upset and could not sleep and felt strongly that although I don't ever like medical intervention I was not comfortable waiting for my body to go into natural labor so I went in to the hospital for a D&C. After 36 hours of vomitting/diarrhea, painful discomfort, and incredible sadness I went through the procedure and was waiting to be released to go home when my nurse came in and told me that I needed to have a shot of Rhogam. I explained to her that I knew I was RHnegative and when I was pregnant with my son we drew my husbands' blood to find out that he was RHnegative as well so there was no need for me to have the shot. My doctor had left the hospital so after helping me go to the bathroom she wheeled me up to the phone where I explained the same thing to my doctor. As I was sitting there in my blood stained gown I could not believe my ears: "well it's standard policy and procedure in the event that your husband is not the father of your baby". I felt like I had been slapped in the face. Here I was having been through hell and back and all of a sudden I was wondering if aliens had landed, impregnated me without my knowledge and that's why I lost my baby. The whole thing was so surreal. My husband and I met in High school and I am quite confident that he is the father of my baby and in that moment I didn't know what to think.







I was soooo tired and felt so strongly about getting home that instead of calling my midwife and refusing the shot I actually let the nurse inject me with that stupid shot and along with everything else I will always be angry about that.

I'm still trying to come up with a constructive letter to my doctor and possibly the hospital.


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## JessicaS

um, he is a crackhead. They don't just arbitrarily give you RH shots...

I am so sorry that happened to you...Drs are so weird and insane sometimes...


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## 5796

yamamama, write that letter!
That doctor is a dick. Sorry for my language but it applies. Instead of doctor he should be called Dicktor.

What an insulting comment after all that you went through. I was pretty wiped out by my d&C, too. And lets face it hormones are in the mix too...but the last thing anyone needs is more insensitivity especially by a doctor.

I hope you got a new GYNO.


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## yamamama

trabot~
LOL







I like that dicktor.

I am really grateful to have found this community~ thank you


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## Mutherluv

It's me again!, my OBGYN, said to me on my annual, "hows the baby doing". I couldn't believe my ears. Well, dead, is what I felt like saying. Doesn't anybody read a chart before they enter a room. I was so angry. I know that they don't have that many stillbirth deliveries. I know what you mean about just accepting the shot. I just stayed for my visit, even though inside I was crushed. I think doctors need an entire semester on how to treat people 101,102,103..ect


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## carmen veranda

My baby died at almost 6 months of SIDS. I made an appointment to go in to talk to our "family doctor" to ask some questions and try and make some sense of what happened. I told the appointment people why I was there. He came in the room glancing at my chart and said, "well, hello Mrs. blah blah, how are the kids?" I said, "Well, I had one "kid" and now she is dead, and I am wasting my time." Grrrr....
I hear you Mutherluv. How can someone not take 30 seconds just to care enough not to say something so mean and stupid.
I am so sorry to all momma's who are hurting. May Love and forgiveness find us all...


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## Envision

We got crude comments the whole time and even three years later, we still do.
I think they are actually more hurtful now then they were when we were going through it...

Our daughter was born with a CHD and many people said "well it would have been harder if you would have known before she was born.."
We didn't feel that way at all as we were not able to plan special things that we missed out on...like pictures right at the time of the birth..
Then when we had ds, my MIL came over the day after and said "oh, you have a picture of him up already??" It was a picture of Emma that had been up the entire time...
She is a pretty horrible person and said a lot of inappropiate things...ugh.

Just recently we called some friends that are older and wanted to share that we knew the gender of our new baby and the woman said "have you told anyone?...Shanta likes to tell everyone and then "things" happen" (refering to our m/c several months before).

I just feel what I have to feel and if I can I will try and say something constructive...but that is not often.
I am soft with my "Emma spot" as I know that it will always be tender and just try and ignore the ignorance.

Hugs to everyone,
Envision


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## heps

My mom and dad lost my brother five days after delivery due to a birth defect. She was off work for a few weeks and when she returned one of her co-workers said "Well, if I had known you didn't want your baby I would have taken him you didn't have to give him back." My mom still remembers this 35 years later.

When my son was diagnosed with diabetes his sugar levels got so high that it was a very big possibility that he may have died. I could see the look of grief on my mom and dads face because they were reliving the death of their boy. During the 24 hours we sat there to see if my son would live or die, my mil started to cry and said "If he lives you are going to keep him away from us because he is sick." I had to remind her that the situation was not about her, but about my son in not so gentle terms.


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## Nik's Mommy

yamamama,
I had the EXACT same rhogam shot issue with my d&c, as well. I had told the doctor at ER that my dh was rh- so there was no need for the shot. So, I get in, they put me under, I have the d&c, I wake up, they roll me into my room, and in comes a nurse with a shot. "What's that?" I ask her. "Rhogam, since you are rh-." I say, "I told the doctor my dh is rh- too, I don't need it." She says, "Really! Well, he prescribed it....". In my anesthetic haze I just said, "Fine - give me the shot. But you're wasting it." I was in no mood to argue, but I was really mad and disappointed the next day. Basically, by prescribing it, after we had discussed it, he was saying that he didn't trust me. My care had been exemplary up to that point. The nurses and doctors were so caring and there with a kleenex box whenever I needed it. Too bad such a thing put an addition black mark on such a sad event.

I had an intern tell me that they do this because there was a study done in several hospitals and they found 10% of the babies did not "belong" to the person the mother indicated as the father. I read this study when I was in University, as well. Luckily, my doctor believes me and has never pushed the issue. It's the emergency care doctors, who don't know me from the next person, that I've always had a problem with. Unfortunatly, I don't see the emergency doctors for pleasant reasons, ever.







: There lack of trust can only compound an already horrible situation.


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## starfairy

((HUGS)) to all of you women....

The worst for me was during my 5th miscarraige. I told a friend over the phone & she asked "are you sad?" It was my 5th loss in under a year, I wanted a baby so bad! Meanwhile she was pregnant & I had listened to her complain the whole time & say that she was considering an abortion because she couldnt handle the morning sickness. I couldn't believe it! A couple days later she was to watch my children as dh had bought tickets to a show as a gift for mothers day. I didnt want to go as it was in the middle of things, but somehow he just didnt get it & insisted we go (i think he wanted to get me out of the house, get my mind off it). the kids were to go to her house. she called & said that she had a fight with her boyfriend & didnt want to be there when he got home, she wanted to watch the kids at my home. I said that it would be a hassle for me as the house would need cleaning & I wasnt up for it since I was still in the midst of my m/c.she didnt care. I cleaned the house, ended up bleeding even more from the exertion & she ended up going home to her boyfriend after I got home.... I didnt talk to her for a long time. Took everything in me to go to her babyshower. Seeing her happy with her new baby was devestating.....

I always have reseneted that most of my friends never called to see how I was, when they saw me they just ignored the whole thing. I wished that somebody -especially my own family - would care, call,send flowers, something. Nobody cared, except my sister who simply would listen, tell me she was sorry & tell me to call her if I needed anything....


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## KatherineinCA

I want to express my love to all of you who have posted on this thread. I feel such kinship with you, as we have each known the pain of loss, compounded by the pain of others' thoughtlessness. I went back and edited my original post, because I orginally said that the comment I heard was the worst thing someone could say to someone whose baby had died. Well, after re-reading this entire thread, I no longer think that comment was the worst thing someone could say. It's still the worst that's been said to me personally, but my heart breaks for so many of the hurtful things that have been said to mommies whose hearts are already breaking.

I appreciate so much the feeling of love and support that has been here. On many days when I have felt so lonely and misunderstood, I have been able to come to this thread and know that there are many who do understand.

Wishing comfort and peace for us all,
Katherine


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## mothernurture

I'm Kristin, AP mother of Matthew (3 1/2) and Brooke Lauren (10 months). I have not experienced pregnancy or birth loss personally but have close friends and family who have. I apologize for butting in on this thread but wanted to respond to Katherine's request to hear from other mamas who have experienced this tremendous loss. My response to clueless people who say STUPID things to you after your loss would be, (from a Jack Nicholson movie) "SELL CRAZY SOMEPLACE ELSE, WE'RE ALL STOCKED UP HERE!"

Are people just so emotionally enept that they just can't offer truly helpful emotional support or are they just plain stupid? don't they know how offensive they are being????

My heart aches for each of you as you navigate this difficult road of grief. Your loss is enormous and I am so sorry for your sorrow. May God send supportive people into your life to help you through such a difficult journey of grief and healing.

Kristin


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## Smilemomma

As someone has already said, "that would be the perfect time to shut up." If only.

After 7 years of infertility, followed by miscarriage, I was hugged and patted and told ... "maybe I should accept that it was God's will that I not have children". Along with the standard, well, at least you got pregnant, everyone I know has had one, must have been something wrong (and with all gentleness, I don't think it matters one iota the reason for the loss, be it perfection or imperfection), yada yada.

One woman hadn't heard (I asked a friend to tell everyone, I couldn't bear to keep repeating it) and brightly asked how the baby was. It took me a minute to realize that she didn't know, that's how blocked I was becoming to all the insensitive comments. When I told her, her face just collapsed and crushed, she hugged me and said she was so sorry, she didn't know. In that one second, I actually felt worse for her than I did for myself.

May God grant all grieving mothers peace and indeed send compassionate people to all our sides, and close the mouths of the others.


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## Silverhawke

When my







baby Christie was born at 24 weeks, and died shortly thereafter, my inlaws, who I'm sure thought they were being sensitive, told me repeatedly _"your baby was in the arms of Jesus"_. While I respect thier beliefs, I *A)* am not Christian and *B)* certainly didnt want my baby in Jesus's arms. Why would I find comfort in that? My baby belonged in *MY* arms, and I was pretty pissed off at a God who could allow those sorts of things to happen.

I have learned that people say what ever they need to say to comfort *themselves*. I also got the _"your young you can have another baby"_, and we did, several, but even after 7 years it still hurts, and we still miss the joy she would/could/should have brought to our lives.


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## TrinitysMama

Silverhawke - Dh and I are not Christian either and we got a ton of similar comments. "It was god's will." "God needed her more than you did." "God loved her so much he kept her for himself, blah blah blah."

It was awful. People say the dumbest things. If someone told you their father died, it would be totally unacceptable to say something like , "God needed him more than you did" or "Well, at least its better that it happened now rather than having to spend money on a nursing home later on". People would never say something so insensitive. Why is it ok to say it about our children? Peoplehave no clue.

My husband was talking to a client about losing Trinity at 33 weeks. They said, "I guess that's a lot better than losing a 2 year old." WTF?


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## Greaseball

Well I have not lost a baby; I stumbled on this thread while looking for info about how long it takes to conceive after a m/c on behalf of a friend who miscarried at 7 weeks about 5 months ago and still can't conceive. But these comments are truly terrible; it reminds me of a few of the things people said to me when my brother died, like "I can totally relate, because my ex-girlfriend won't call me back" and "Why are you crying?"









But I have another friend who just learned her 3yr old ds will only live for another 10 or 15 years and she is hearing a lot of the same stuff, like how it's gOD's will and all for the best and how he just wasn't meant to be with us and she should just accept it and this is exactly what was supposed to happen.







:

How do people get to be so insensitive?


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## Shenjall

When ds#2 was 3 months old, we found out that #3 was on the way! Shocked, but happy. Unfortunatly, 3 weeks later I miscarried. It was all very difficult as we were still dealing with the ordeal of ds#2 being 10 weeks preemie, (he was home and so far healthy, but we were unsure of longterm health at that time...) So, we tell our family. Mil and Fil, start crying, give us their condolances, very helpful. Then we tell my mother. Who tells me, "Its all for the best, they wouldve been less than a year apart, thats alot of work you know. We all know how much you hate doing any kind of housework!" then starts to laugh. Evil.







to all of you and your















to the ones who hurt you


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## rianna

Hi everyone...

I lost my baby 2 weeks ago today. I was 21 weeks along.
This was my second late miscarrige (the last one not as late).
I am amazed at how people expect you to act. I know most of them are being nice or trying to be something but sometimes its really annoying. I have people calling me who I have never met and saying that if I want to mourn to call them. Why would I call someone I dont know? I find this to be rediculious. I had a friend call me and say that if I wanted to mourn I could, when I said that I was fine and that I had no need to do that she insisted that I had not mourned yet and that I needed to.... and that I could call her.

We had a baptist minister come to our house and preach the word of god under the impression he came to tell me about when his wife lost their baby at 21 week prego. Instead he came and tried to convert us.

Just a few things that make me mad.


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## ~Lara Croft~

Reading all of these replies makes my blood boil! People are so insensitive!! I lost my daughter last October when she was 6 days old. One of the most hurtful comments said to me came from my brother .This would have been 3 days after Vanessa passed away and I was talking to my brother on the phone.This was the first time I had talked to him since a couple of months before Vanessa was born(he lives about 5 hours away from me and I hardly ever hear from him) We were talking and I was crying and telling him about how hard it was to watch her as she took her last breaths in my arms and knowing there was nothing I could do to save her and he said..."Yeah, I remember when Bedrock died in my arms and I just couldn't believe that he was really gone,so in a way I know how your feelling".......Bedrock was my brothers dog.....yeah..you know exactly how I feel!!!


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## anniemom

I haven't posted here in a while, but it's one of those nights where I needed to go back and 'feel' this.....everyone's comments here have made me remember something else, where it was weird that someone DIDN'T say something.....

---
After my baby (38 weeks when she died) was delivered, the hospital staff asked me if I wanted a priest to come. Well, I am not a religious person at all (I won't go there) but my parents are very catholic, and I was raised catholic as well, and it seemed respectful to have some sort of ritual at that moment. I was in the room with the baby, my husband, my sister and brother, and my son (13 months at the time). So the priest comes in, and literally says NOTHING. He offered no words of comfort, support, or even any prayers. He stood with a bible in his hands while we all sat there very uncomfortably waiting for him to be spiritual.
So I asked him to baptize the baby. Not because I believe that my baby would go to hell if he didn't (my son is not even baptized) but because I wanted her blessed in some way. The priest mumbled something, and somehow I gathered that he either couldn't or wouldn't do it, maybe there's some sort of church law. So finally, I just said "Thank you." to him as a sort of a dismissal. He left.
So then my sister, who is VERY religious (a southern baptist now) said, "You don't have to be a PRIEST to baptize someone. Anyone with a willing heart can do it!" So she stood up and grabbed a bottle of Evian standing there, poured some in her hand and gently laid it on the baby's head and said "Bless you in the name of the father, the son, and the holy spirit. We love you so much and may god take care of you." And then she sat back down. I was really shocked and I don't think I have ever loved my sister more than I did at that moment.


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## 5796

Quote:

I was really shocked and I don't think I have ever loved my sister more than I did at that moment.
no kidding! I love her.









there is a thread in spirituality that deserves this story. it is a thread for non-christians that has similiar stories...


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## JessicaS

that is lovely anniemom, good for your sister!


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## Ms. Mom

anniemom, I do know that Catholic preists cannot babtize a stillborn baby. However, they can pray for your child. I'm also not relegious, but my husband is. Our preist came when we found out our baby died and prayed over us. Then he came IMMEDIATELY after she was born and said a prayer for her spirt to go to heaven. It was one of the most touching memories I have of her. His kindness and gentleness is still with me today.

This preist had no right to treat you like that. However, you're sister came to the moment and reacted so beautifuly. What a beautiful memory she gave to your family.


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## its_our_family

Wow...I haven't read this thread in a long time.....

I jsut had a couple comments.....

Being a "christian" I'm appauled at the way that supposed christians handle situations like this. Never ever ever ever would me, my dh, my parents, or in laws EVER say any of those things. My dh and his parents are ministers and have dealt with many situations similar to this....including the death of my dh's older brother....he died at age 3 or 4 from neurological birth defects...

I never even thought these things about my own loss...it worked out for the best...whatever! My baby would be almost 2 months old now.... Yes, it is in some ways "easier" but it is never going to be better.....

I'm sorry that so many have dealt with so many that feel they are saying the right thing (especially the idiots that think they are spreading God's love)

Sometimes nothing any one says is right at the time but come on....shut up if you don't know what to say. What is wrong wiht a hug and a smile.... to me that is worth a lot more than words anyway.....

Of course here I sit and very few family members even know we lost Sweetpea.....


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## reagan

Oh, my, I cannot believe what some of you ladies have suffered through... first with the loss of a child, and then with the ignorant comments of tactless buffoons.







I send you all hugs and comfort.

I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness for 20 years (I left the cult behind, thankyouverymuch!







), and a very close friend that I grew up with suffered with endo & PCOS for 5 years before finally getting PG. She had a m/c at 15 weeks and was devastated by her loss.

One of the women from her congregation told her, "Maybe Jehovah is trying to tell you that you aren't out 'in service' (read: knocking on doors, shoving religion down peoples' throats) enough, and that's why you lost your baby."









Another one she called me crying over was, "Maybe Jehovah wants you to spend more time thinking about 'spiritual matters' and didn't want you distracted with a baby."

I would like to







these people! How cruel and thoughtless!

Fortunately, my friend has been slowly cutting ties with the cult, and I hope that she's soon out from under their horrible influence.


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## JessicaS

Honestly, crazy insensitive people can be found anywhere and not just in one group.

I have known amazing wonderful Christians who I held up as examples for myself and also crazy ones who I tried to avoid. Same with people of various other religions that I have come in contact with.

That is sad they were so unkind to your friend. It is probably not like that in all JW churches, though I have no way of knowing. I don't understand how people can be so cruel and judgemental.

When my SIl and BIL lost their child the minister from their episcipalian (sp?) church came and blessed their baby and spent some time with them. He told them he and his wife had lost their first child and was very kind and understanding.


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## gossamer

I agree about it doesn't have to be a priest or minister who babtizes a baby. The doctors who performed my emergency C/S baptized my baby. I believe she is just as baptized as if my senior minister had held her in front of the congregation. In fact, the doctors baptized her Mary, which unbeknownst to them was on our short list of names for our baby, so I truly believe God was in that operating room.
Gossamer


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## Mutherluv

sometimes when I re-read all of the posts in this thread, I still can't believe it can be true. I just wanted to send all of you a cyber hug from one grieving mom to another. I am so glad that I was able to vent some of my pain here.


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## CurlyTop

When I was pg the first time, I was so excited I told my whole family at Christmas although I was only 6 weeks. I started knitting a baby blanket. Visiting my SIL, she said, "Well, I *hope* everything is all right. You never know if these things will work out or not."







: I didn't know what to think. At 8 weeks, I found out I was having a m/c. In my sad state I actually thought SIL had somehow done this, or planted a seed and caused me to do it. Really confused.

The second time, I was afraid to tell anyone so DH and I kept it a secret. I started knitting a new baby blanket. I was afraid. At 10 weeks, I had some spotting... then full out bleeding. I went to the clinic (they couldn't get me an appt, I just showed up terrified and bleeding in the lobby). They confirmed the second m/c. I was devastated. I had an appt two days later to follow up. I brought my notebook to take notes since I would forget everything in my grieved state of mind. Dr. saw the notebook and said, "Oh, I know women like you. You think there are answers and you can write them down. There are not enough hours in a day to tell you why you may have had two m/cs." On my way out, I told the receptionist to cancel my U/S appt for 20 weeks, I had lost the baby. She said, "That's a different department, you have to cancel it yourself."

I changed clinics. I got pg again. I did not knit any blankets. I had the strange notion that the knitting was the problem. Didn't speak to SIL for the entire pregnancy. I delivered beautiful healthy identical twin girls. Those who know about the 2 m/cs say, "Oh, you lost two, now you have two!"

Whatever, and ever, amen. People just don't get it.

Hugs to all you mamas who have lost so much. Your grief is honored here.

CurlyTop


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## Eggie

I'm really so sorry for all your losses and for those st***d commentaries that people told you. I get so angry when I hear this, I wonder if these people had unplugged their brains before talking.
Of course would never be the same as loosing a child (which I think that NO ONE can understand but someone who had had such an indescriptible hard and painful experience, and really I can't find words to describe it, sorry for my attempt), but when my Mom died and during her funerals some people told me "Hey, when you get rid of the pain call us to have a coffee"







. As my mom passed away so quickly we never found out what caused it but we believed was cancer, so some people in front of me said "I've read that people that die of cancer is because they are bad and deserved it", again, during the funerals. My mom was a saint to my eyes, a dr. who helped so many people, she devoted her life to others and well, whatever but, Gosh! how can you talk about someone that is not here anymore??!!! So those commentaries hurted so much for a long time... until I started to feel pity for those persons and just let it go.
I also understood that people just don't understand if they haven't lived anything like you are suffering, and just a few are able to get into others shoes and emphatyze... lucky those. I hope that at least the st***d ones can maintain their mouths closed.
And something interesting, until I became a mother I was able to really "understand" the pain of another mom. I always felt that my Mom's dead was the hardest thing that could ever happen to me, but having a dd changed that feeling. Totally changed it.
((((Hugs)))) to all you, and with so much respect and admiration.


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## OneCatholicMommy

"certainly didnt want my baby in Jesus's arms. Why would I find comfort in that? My baby belonged in MY arms, "

Silverhawke,

I *am* a Christian, and I felt the same way. "She's in heaven now." Well, I want her with ME! Eventually,I was comforted by the whole "heaven" thing. But at that time I just needed someone to say "This is wrong, this sucks!!!!"


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## Hikaru

As always, my heart goes out to all of you who are living
with the loss of a baby....
as a religious person myself I find it very odd that religion, which ought to be the greatest source of comfort as we deal with our pain, can actually lead to comments that make the pain worse!
But I put that down to good old human ignorance and selfishness,
It's not the purpose of religion to hurt or punish us, especially with something so awful as losing a baby.


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## cheryl

The pain of those "well-meaning" comments are hard to forget.
I am so sorry for the loss of your babe. My heart aches for you, even though I know this thread is "old".
I miscarried my 5th pregnancy and several people were very quick to tell me it was for the best as I had "too many kids anyway".
Not much comfort in those kind of "friendly" words, is there?
Never forget that there is a huge community of women who know how you feel and ache for you and your separated child.
xoxox


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## shannon0218

hmmmm, well I've been watching this tread since my m/c last week. I've unfortunately had a few lousy comments, let me start out first by saying my pregnancy was not planned, I was on the pill but had been sick because of another medication and I suppose "lost" a couple important days worth of the pill.







:
Anyway, the fact that it wsa not planned didn't make us any less thrilled to find out we would be parents, as a matter of fact shortly after finding out we decided that if we wait until everything is "perfect" to have children...... well we'll likely both be dead







. So after wards, my mother in law says to me, "well you know dear, at least for the next time you can actually plan it--maybe you can actually get married first to make it easier on the baby!" Ah yeah, we've been living together for 3 yrs, marriage (while something we plan to do) is just not that important to either of us and besides, I will be keeping my own name for business reasons and how does it make an infants life easier to have his parents legally married anyway????? B*%^h!! Then today (actually 10 min ago) I was talking with my assisstant and she blew me away with her comment, while we had originally not told her, dh did need to tell her as I was unable to work for a couple days and because she needed to bring some paper work into the hospital for a dog that was flying out. Anyway, she was over today and says--can you believe it???? "It's lucky you miscarried eh? Nature's little miracle" I just about fell over!! I understand she is 10 years younger than me and a baby would just NOT fit into her life right now, she knows how busy my business is and maybe she doesn't realize that I had already figured that with the amount of work based from my home--and with her going full time with me, I could be a stay at home mom and still make a really decent living!! I only said to her that actually both Steve and myself are very upset it all and then changed the subject--but now I have to work with her, trusting her with my clients etc and I just can't fathom anyone even thinking what came out of her mouth!! What was she thinking??????


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## Hikaru

Shannon, I am so sorry for your loss.
And to answer your question, "What was she thinking?"
the answer is...she wasn't thinking. It may not make you
feel any better towards her, but she just spoke without considering how it would affect you.
Maybe after some time has passed you'll be able to forgive her and work with her well.


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## BigBelly03

Quote:

_Originally posted by cheryl_
*The pain of those "well-meaning" comments are hard to forget.

I miscarried my 5th pregnancy and several people were very quick to tell me it was for the best as I had "too many kids anyway".

Not much comfort in those kind of "friendly" words, is there?
*
I am another one who "isn't allowed to grieve" or should be ashamed for having more children...after all I have five.
When I lost Alyssa's twin I felt guilty over my feelings of grief--afterall I was still carrying a healthy fetus. After Alyssa was born I still felt the pain though, often I would look at this beautiful healthy baby and think, there should be two of them here.







As another mama put it here, the years do dull the pain but I will alway love that baby, that does not lessen ever--and still think about she would be doing now--would she have chosen to go to the same college as Alyssa etc.?

When I told a family member about the loss of Christopher & Holly in 1999 through a veil of tears I heard the same words "You already have five children!" I remember spitting back something about my dh, _Christopher & Holly would have been his first children._
When I lost Cole in 2001 it was devastating. Not many people other than dh even knew I was pregnant. On my due date January 15, 2002, I cried all day long. By this time I had met many other mamas online who had lost babies and I had much support. When I lost Angelique the only person IRL that knew was dh. I shared this loss only with my online friends because I could bear any more insensitive comments nor did
I care to explain to anyone why we chose to have children together. Insensitive comments make the grief and loss so much worse.
I hope all of you find peace and healing.


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## Britishmum

What I'm finding so hard to handle are the helpful comments that are just plain useless. Like, its a good thing I didnt have an exact confirmed due date, as it makes it less painful. Huh?

Also the idea that because other people have had miscarriages, mine is nothing. "Oh, I had a miscarriage too, in 1985" makes me feel so much better.







:

I'm trying to just see it that these people are trying to make themselves feel better about dealing with it, and in their own way are trying to offer comfort. But I don't want sympathy cards and comments about their own experiences. I want my baby back.





















I know I can't have that, so a short "I'm so sorry" would suffice.


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## Greaseball

Sometimes people can say the worst things without even realizing it. My friend's son probably will not live to be 20 because of a genetic disorder. He's 3 now, and very big, and people are always telling her what a big strong man he will be.


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## lac

It's really, really sad the things people say that they think are showing sympathy.

I just experienced an empty sac at 11 weeks, my 3rd pregnancy, other 2 normal. I am awaiting a natural m/c. Before I knew it was a blighted ovum, I was interviewing midwives, and when talking to one, I mentioned that I had kind of given up trying to get pregnant when suddenly I was, and telling her a bit about both my and my husband's ambivalence, even during trying.

I too am a CNM (not practicing). Two days after finding out my pregnancy was not viable, I attended a conference for medical professionals, where I ran into this midwife and told her about my loss. She said "I don't know whether to say I'm sorry or congratulations, knowing you were having mixed feelings". Yeah, but I WAS pregnant and picturing a baby in May. And I never considered ending my pregnancy, it was just wondering if I had done the right thing for our family, and I was not unhappy about having another baby, just knowing how hard it is to care for a NB and then toddler again. You would think a professional would know better.

So sorry for everyone else's losses. I have also lost two adult sisters (one at age 23 and one at age 36) and I know my mother got some of these crazy comments, too.

Laura


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