# You all will love this philosophy of discipline! VENT!!!



## starbright (Jan 17, 2003)

I love the GD area of mothering and lurk here a lot. My son is only 8 months so I use it as a resource for later.

Here is something that really bothered me yesterday and I wanted to just vent it out!

UGGH!! My next door neighbor was a friend until we both had babies. She and I parent completely different and I don't agree with anything she does. That being said, she called me yesterday to see how I was and we made chit chat.

During the conversation she stopped several times to slap her son on his hands for touching things he shouldn't. He is 13 months old but she started spanking and slapping him when he was about 8 months old







:

So I asked her what exactly is their philosophy of discipline and she replied that she and her husband think that kids should be spanked whenever they do anything wrong. Then she said EXCEPT when they hit someone you should yell at them since you shouldn't punish a child for hitting by hitting them







UMMM OK,

She also said that spanking isn't working at all and that her son laughs at them when they spank him. I told her about some other methods to try but I am sure she blew them off since her sister is AP and she always says her sister's son is awful.

WTF!! is wrong with this girl?? She's insane!!














Thanks for the vent!!


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

My ex-roommate and friend for years is like this a bit. I don't think she swats as much as you describe. Maybe her kids are growing out of it, thank goodness. But she lives on the otherside of the US from me in and invariably when we get on the phone to have a good long talk and get caught up, she interupts several times to yell at her kids. And she's harsh and slightly mean about it.

However, her dh is an army man and is gone for weeks at a time. She's in nursing school, and I know *I* yell more when I've got more stress. And one good thing, she is a far cry better mother than her mother was. Her mother was/is a psycho, selfish drunk. My friend is rightfully proud of how much a better parent she is compared to her own mom.

I don't know what that has to do with your friend! But there have been several times when I've wanted to confront her and suggest if she just did this one thing, all the power struggles with her 4 y.o. dd would probably melt away. If she could just change her perspective, see things my way!







('Cause I'm such a stellar parent.)

But I just keep my mouth shut!


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## starbright (Jan 17, 2003)

Journeymom, I know what you mean about stress, it is hard to handle all the responsibilities of being a mom when you are stressed. (this week has been a doozy for me)

I didn't mean to sound at all like I am the best parent ever.. heck, my son doesn't even need discipline yet but I just thought it was so strange that this friend says that you should spank a child for most offenses except if they hit someone because you are a bad example if you hit them







: It makes no sense to me how she can even think that!!

I also didn't want it to sound like she is smacking her child all the time either, but I have seen him slapped and smacked and spanked a few times and she has told me she does. Her son is a very happy little boy and very sweet. I guess it just very much goes against what I believe.


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## mamabeard (Sep 27, 2002)

ugh. when i was living in a women's shelter a few months ago there was a woman there who was constantly hitting her 14 month old son's hands. and seemed annoyed by him all the time (and yelled a lot too). it was REALLY hard for me to watch, and that poor kid was totally unphazed by it, he was so used to it. i so badly wanted to say something but she was the kind of woman you don't want to mess with. i lived there about two weeks and i decided the best thing to do was treat her son kindly. she also saw how well behaved my son was most of the time, and how i was usually very gentle with him, and i think that effected her some. it was kind of weird tho.. her son used to come to me to be held all the time, and i could tell it pissed her off. but over the couple of weeks that i stayed there, i saw her gradually soften up toward him. i think she was a very stressed out person in general, and i think if i'd confronted her in an accusatory way, it would have just exacerbated the problem.

if your friend is at all receptive, maybe just modeling your gentle parenting techniques confidently will be enough for her to catch on..


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## starbright (Jan 17, 2003)

mamabeard

your story made me so sad for that little boy but so glad that his mom seemed to soften up.

I think you are right, I will treat my son the way I want to treat him and the way I think he deserves to be treated and maybe she will take notice. She thinks that gentle discipline makes kids out of control and crazy







:


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## Aiyana's Mama (May 25, 2003)

sort of along the same lines... i overheard my sister's friend (spanking extraordinaire) talking about how wonderful this new product was she saw at toys r us. it's a super duper TIME OUT CHAIR... complete with straps to hold them down and a timer on the back. she was lamenting that she didn't have enough money to buy it... is she SERIOUS?!
this is all coming from the same woman who puts her one year old in a pitch black bathroom whenever she throws tantrums.
crazy.
just more venting... thanks ladies! (but i would like to know if there is actually a product like that out there!)
joleen


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## chicagomom (Dec 24, 2002)

This would bother me too.

I think the best help for someone like that is to be a shining example yourself - it's better than any lecture. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that 'talking' with the kid will work, until you see it working with someone else's kid. Also, we only work with the tools we have. If you give her some more tools (by example), she may use them!

Another thing you can do is praise her mothering when you 'catch' her doing something well. If she does use gentle parenting for something, say 'wow, that worked out great. you're really in touch with your son' or something. Sometimes all we see is the bad in ourselves, and the frustration can drive us to 'shortcuts' like physical punishment (ie I want results now because I am frustrated).

HTH,

Carolyn


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## MelMel (Nov 9, 2002)

DH and I didnt believe you, Aiyana's Mama, about the Time Out chair, so I searched...and found 3 different styles....

heres one

http://www.fantasytoyland.com/grandm...s/noname9.html

the line that got us was...'make's time-outs fun!' or something like that

heres another 'fun' one...
http://www.homevisions.com/hvprod/pr...er=11&clktru=1

I think thats one for a smaller kid...so sad


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## Aiyana's Mama (May 25, 2003)

melmel
hey thanks for researching that time out chair! im going to use it as content in my zine. it also inspired me to actually see if there is that mega one with straps... dont know if that's true!
joleen


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## Nickarolaberry (Dec 24, 2001)

Maybe it's because I'm hormonal at 37 weeks pregnant with a recently-morphed-into-tantrums 2 and a half year old, but the thought of someone putting their 1 year old in a dark bathroom to cry/tantrum or strapping them down into a chair has made me totally break down in tears myself.

This breaks my heart. I may lose it and yell more than I'd like, especially recently, but this strikes me as torture pure and simple. Can you imagine the abject terror of a one year old closed in a pitch black bathroom? Oh, God, it doesn't bear thinking about.


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## BusyMommy (Nov 20, 2001)

Quote:

TIME OUT CHAIR... complete with straps to hold them down and a timer on the back.
That really frightens me. What a freaking scary world some of our children live in. I believe that our childrens' souls choose their families. But, no child should live such an existence.

I still remember getting a time out in 2nd grade. The teacher locked me in a dark closet. 30 years later I can still feel what that felt like.

PS: I just looked up those links and that's just plain stupid. It rewards their behavior w/a special, cutesy, chair. Children usually act out for attention and, sure enough, this special chair makes it FUNFUNFUN for them.


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