# Milk coming in after stillbirth



## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I never got engorged after Max was born, but I know my milk is there. I've leaked a little on occasion. I feel let down at the wrong times like when I see little tiny babies or when my grief hits me full on.

Is it strange that I'm kind of comforted by having my body making milk? I feel such a sense of grief that something in my body failed to sustain the life of my child. Making milk seems like my body's way of saying "see, I really wanted this little one, to feed & sustain him."

The rest of my body seems to have forgotten that I was pregnant at all. I've dropped below my prepregnancy weight in 2 short weeks (grief & being unable to eat will do that). I've got the post-partum hair shed starting. My skin is dry and cracking. I can move and bend without the cumbersome belly out front. It just all feels wrong. Its like my breasts are the only part of me that remembers what should have been.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

After my first son was born it took me about 9 days for my milk to come it. When my second son was born (he died 12 hours after his birth) it took just 4 days for my milk to come in. I was so engorged I wore the tightest bra I could find for over a week solid. I took showers from the waist down because I didn't want anything touching my breasts - I didn't want to stimulate them in any way.

I had a really hard time looking at my body for a number of weeks. My stomach was all wrong, I weighed less than my pre-pregnancy weight in just a few short days after all of my swelling went down, and my boobs were huge.

I felt so alone and awful. I know what you mean and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

Hugs to you.


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

my milk came in about a day or two after my baby was stillborn at 19 weeks


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## Kat's Mommy (Jan 2, 2006)

Hugs to you, Mama.

I feel like my body has betrayed me after 3 weeks. There are no visible signs that I was 29.5 weeks pregnant, and when my milk came in, I was in my angry grief phase. But then the milk went away, and I couldn't stop crying because that was the last pregnancy symptom I had.

I know what you are going through, and I am so sorry that you have to go through it. I am here for you...always.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

You know, I think I have some advice here.

My milk came in after Josie was born - and I mean REALLY it did - my breasts were very hard etc. Luckily I never had it become unbearably painful or anything, but man, I looked like I'd had breast implants. Not a good look!

Here is what I did. You can call me nuts but it helped... After about a week, I felt my milk was being useless, you know? So I took and expressed milk by hand from both breasts and put it in two cups. One cup I froze at the back of my freezer. The other, I mixed in with water and I watered all the living plants we had in our house, including about eight that we'd been given for Josie's funeral. The frozen cup I waited until my mum came from England, and then we went together and I put the frozen milk ice on her grave, and let it seep into the ground above her.

So now, I feel my milk did it's job. Part of it is with her, as it should be, and part of it is in the plants we still have living in our house. I haven't told many people that, but that ritual helped me grieve enormously and gave me a feeling of purpose in a little tiny way.

I hope that helps somewhat - I know this is such a very difficult time to have to live through, but you will live through it, I promise.

*HUGE enormous hugs* hun XXXXXXX


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## hollytheteacher (Mar 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
You know, I think I have some advice here.

My milk came in after Josie was born - and I mean REALLY it did - my breasts were very hard etc. Luckily I never had it become unbearably painful or anything, but man, I looked like I'd had breast implants. Not a good look!

Here is what I did. You can call me nuts but it helped... After about a week, I felt my milk was being useless, you know? So I took and expressed milk by hand from both breasts and put it in two cups. One cup I froze at the back of my freezer. The other, I mixed in with water and I watered all the living plants we had in our house, including about eight that we'd been given for Josie's funeral. The frozen cup I waited until my mum came from England, and then we went together and I put the frozen milk ice on her grave, and let it seep into the ground above her.

So now, I feel my milk did it's job. Part of it is with her, as it should be, and part of it is in the plants we still have living in our house. I haven't told many people that, but that ritual helped me grieve enormously and gave me a feeling of purpose in a little tiny way.

I hope that helps somewhat - I know this is such a very difficult time to have to live through, but you will live through it, I promise.

*HUGE enormous hugs* hun XXXXXXX

:







s:: That is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.


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## MarilynP (Nov 25, 2008)

with my first baby, they encouraged me to pump my milk and freeze it for when our baby could start drinking milk because they say that is the best for preemie babies...

but my baby never got to drink the milk.. the nurse at the hospital pointed me in the direction of an agency that collects breast milk and gives it to babies in the NICU who's mom's can't produce their own milk...

so I contacted this agency called "Two maids a milkin" and I had to have a blood test and fill out some forms and shipped them the milk..

I felt good that my milk would be going to a good cause instead of down the drain...


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## maemaemama (Oct 10, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad that your milk is comforting, even in a tiny tiny way. Take every little bit of comfort you can.

Having my milk come in was really difficult for me at first. But I did feel like it was acknowledging that I gave birth to my baby. I felt that that my body thought of it as a birth, not a loss. And it ended up being healing for me. That whole time was so traumatic for my family, of course. It was the first time my 2 yr old and I had been separated for more than 2 or three hours at a time. She was unsure and confused about everything. Just 2 weeks prior, the high risk OB told me i had to wean her because her nursing was causing contractions and could be aggravating my uterus. reluctantly i worked on weaning her. not only was i on the verge of losing my baby but i was feeling forced to give up the amazing bond with my other child right when we needed it most. well, when my milk came in it was like reunion time w/ my toddler! she was so psyched to have this amazing rich delicious milk. at first it was hard, this milk was meant for her sister. i would cry when she nursed, but quickly it became really powerful and special.

JayJay, wow, i love that.

Good luck with this difficult journey. we're all here with you...


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I remember feeling so wrong when my milk came in after dd's stillbirth. I was so angry at my body. It broke my heart wearing stupid, tight bras and sticking cabbage leaves in them. I wish I had done something like JayJay did.


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## SMR (Dec 21, 2004)

My milk coming in was the worst, saddest reminder of what I'd lost. I was SO looking forward to nursing that little guy. I would just go in the shower and cry, while the milk trickled out. I used cabbage leaves and a sports bra... I will never look at cabbage the same way again.
I've also felt so much anger towards women who just don't breastfeed just because.. they purposely GET RID OF their milk.. and it just crushes me, even more now.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I was really comforted by my milk. It seemed as though my body was grieving milk tears (is that weird to say?). I wanted to drop some milk into his ashes, but the idea freaked my husband out to no end. I was actually sad when it went away. It was the last bit I had for our son.


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## namaste_mom (Oct 21, 2005)

Like Amy, I was mad. My milk came in a couple of days after Norah was born and I had to bury her with full breasts. I used cabbage leaves too and began to smell like ruffage, but it worked mainly because they are cold and fit nicely into a bra. I wish I was as wise as JayJay also.


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## RedPony (May 24, 2005)

: to you... such sadness.

After losing Angel, I think my milk was in on day two or three. I was incredibly blessed to have a nursing toddler and she really benefited from her sister's milk.







I'd gone fairly dry when DD was 13 months old and lost Angel when DD was 18 months old, but she had kept nursing. Anyway, DD completely dropped solids and went ga ga with the milk. I was so greatful to have it and be able to give it to Lily.









It certainly isn't strange to feel comforted by your mama milk.







:


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## AbbeyWH (Feb 3, 2009)

I too felt like all the woes of being postpartum are an odd comfort.
I've been through something so traumatic and my body shows it, feels it!
I wore those odd mesh underwear until just a couple of days ago even though I could have moved on to my regular underwear and smaller pads. But I didn't want to move on from the trauma. Because my heart is still broken!

Because this was my first child I was afraid of my milk coming in. I was really looking forward to breast-feeding and to have some artificial pumping on my breast instead of my child seemed insult to injury. So I did everything to avoid even leaking a drop. Let me share what I did because it really worked.

-Constricted breasts with sports bra morning, noon and night (while sleeping).
-Took bathes instead of hot showers to prevent warm water hitting my chest and stimulating my breasts.
-Took homeopathic tablets 4 times a day:
Pulsitilla
Lac Caninum
Can be bought at:
www.boiron.com/

-and Sage extract 4x a day:
www.motherlove.com

And soothed my breasts with cold cabbage leaves inside my bra.

I hate that someone else might need this information someday.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

Thanks all for your posts. Its nice to know that I am not completely off my rocker.

JayJay, that was a beautiful tribute.


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## Milkymommi (Aug 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
I put the frozen milk ice on her grave, and let it seep into the ground above her.


I also did the same thing









The dread that I experienced about my milk coming in was perhaps worse than the actual funeral. At first I tried to supress it by binding myself ( not smart ) and drinking sage tea etc. Once it came in full force I was devistated and wore cabbage leaves moment to moment begging G-d to make it go because I just couldn't bare it. However, when it started to fade away I started to panic. I hurried to a friend and borrowed her hospital grade double breast pump and started pumping several times a day. The milk was all I had left of him and I didn't want to let it go. I did that for quite a while and saved everything I pumped in the freezer. I wasn't able to bring a full supply back in but I was able to save enough to keep and a full container to give back to baby Micah. My husband and I brought it to him and poured it over his little grave and watched it fall through the earth to him. Once I was able to give him some of the milk that was rightfully his, I never pumped again and my milk continued to fade until it was gone.

Your feelings are understood and are completely normal. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It hurts so badly.


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## karika (Nov 4, 2005)

brought up feelings for me as well. my 1st was a 32 wk preemie, he lived at the hospital fo rthe 1st 6 wks. i pumped at home all the time and fed him at breast when i visited twice a day. he came home with me and then died 2 wks later. i had a freezer full of milk. i also took it to a donation place had a couple tests and they need it. my breasts hurt too, and if i heard a baby they would leak everywhere. i continued to be able to squeeze a drop or two of milk out since then oddly enough. i dont know if it would help you to pump some to releive the pressure and donate it (after he died i discontinued pumping, took off on a 2 month road trip and drank lots of liquor with painkillers so i didnt donate any more), or to find a woman that has a baby that needs someone else to nurse it if you can stand it, but it is so sad to have our milk not needed. nothing ever healed my loss for me, it is always there, but i talked to him a few times (in my mind, in meditation) and did a lot of spiritual (not religious) exploration to come to terms. having my dd 10 yrs later helped me believe in my body as a woman and my mothering abilities finally.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

wow Jayjay and Kristie!! I'm crying about that. had I wished I had thought to do that. and like was said, it was the last thing I had.....I should have made it last longer. you two sure were thinking @ a time that was tough to be clear-headed.

I tried to get Sarah who was 2 1/2 and had weaned about a month before to nurse but she forgot how. one of my biggest regrets. now my body is nourishing NO ONE, in any way for the first time in 14 years.








:


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I wanted to bump this thread for some of our new moms who have joined us.









I had such mixed emotions when my milk came in & the words here were so helpful to me.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *JayJay* 
You know, I think I have some advice here.

My milk came in after Josie was born - and I mean REALLY it did - my breasts were very hard etc. Luckily I never had it become unbearably painful or anything, but man, I looked like I'd had breast implants. Not a good look!

Here is what I did. You can call me nuts but it helped... After about a week, I felt my milk was being useless, you know? So I took and expressed milk by hand from both breasts and put it in two cups. One cup I froze at the back of my freezer. The other, I mixed in with water and I watered all the living plants we had in our house, including about eight that we'd been given for Josie's funeral. The frozen cup I waited until my mum came from England, and then we went together and I put the frozen milk ice on her grave, and let it seep into the ground above her.

So now, I feel my milk did it's job. Part of it is with her, as it should be, and part of it is in the plants we still have living in our house. I haven't told many people that, but that ritual helped me grieve enormously and gave me a feeling of purpose in a little tiny way.

I hope that helps somewhat - I know this is such a very difficult time to have to live through, but you will live through it, I promise.

*HUGE enormous hugs* hun XXXXXXX

So touching and beautiful. Bawling as I read this.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

I had Duncan on Friday and my milk came in on Tuesday at like 2am. I could feel them swelling and getting hard. My milk came in at 4 days with all of them, I believe.

It sucked. I'm normally a full B/small C and they were like DDD when my milk came in. It was hard on me. I dreaded my milk coming in because there was no baby to feed, but I was sad to see it go. I actually still have milk, but not a lot. I used cabbage leaves and frozen veggies to reduce the swelling. I also drank sage tea and it helped SO much.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Thank you for bumping this thread.

You know, at first, I didn't want to feel it. Like when I found out he was gone, and I said to myself, then they're going to have to cut him out, because I can't possibly birth a dead baby. That's just all kinds of wrong. And it was, and I did it anyway, because my body gave me no choice.

So when I remembered (I'd forgotten... isn't that funny? My midwife reminded me, "When your milk comes in..." and I was horrified at the thought...) that my body was going to make milk for a baby it didn't know was dead, I started researching every possible way I knew to prevent it from happening.

Sage, cabbage leaves, frozen peas and ice packs, vitamin B6, pseudoephedrine, you name it... but none of it really "worked." It relieved some of the pressure, but my milk came in and for three days, I had two aching, burning bowling balls swimming around in my bra...

Another lesson in surrender. I wasn't in control. I couldn't keep my baby from dying, I couldn't control my body's ability to birth him, and I couldn't keep my body from making milk for him, either. I simply had to let it happen. I wanted to rail and hit and scream and fight back, but it's like punching clouds. Nothing. No use.

And today, I woke up sore... but less full. And I realized... noooooooo, there's no more milk for my baby. It's going away. I don't know which was worse... it coming, or disappearing.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MI_Dawn* 
And today, I woke up sore... but less full. And I realized... noooooooo, there's no more milk for my baby. It's going away. I don't know which was worse... it coming, or disappearing.

















I am right there with you right now. Although I didn't do anything to encourage it to come or go, now that my milk is going, it just feels like another loss. I mean, this was my first baby so on some level I was just glad to know that my breasts work, but seeing them slowly return to normal when nothing in my life is returning to normal is hard.


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## ChichosMama (Aug 20, 2004)

I tried to pump to donate on milkshare, but my breast still don't like pumps. I also think that since my son was born at 18 weeks that i didn't get as much milk as I would have if he was full term. I still have some milk three weeks later and I, too, am sad to feel my breasts less full. It's something I can't control and have to let go...


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