# Our Angel: Hannah's Birth Story (long)



## gal_sunshine_383 (Nov 10, 2005)

We gave birth to our third daughter Hannah at 1:10am April 17th -- a little over 10 days ago at 39 weeks!

All day - April 16th -- I had this dreadful feeling that something was terribly wrong!
I met my midwife at the hospital in the late afternoon - after finding that the baby had not moved all day! They attempted to do a non-stress test... but could not find her heart beat. They did an ultrasound which showed that her heart was no longer beating. I had come to the hospital alone -- as my husband had 5 kids to look after - 2 of our own and 3 that I look after.
I had called and paged my mother several times - but was unable to get a hold of her. They phoned my sister, (who lives a block from the hospital,) to come in and support me! My husband was also called and told that he needed to come in ASAP! He was not given a reason why!

They transferred me from triage to a private room where the options were discussed. A social worker came in to talk to me. She said that I could either be induced that night or could go home and come back in a couple of days to be induced!
How could I go home for -- to me children- absolutely a basket case - knowing that my baby had died??!!
My sister arrived at the hospital - and we both cried! I am still in a lot of shock! I'm hoping deperately that this is a nightmare - that I will soon wake up from! My sister just held me and was there for me. About a half hour later... my husband arrives. He had just been told (by my midwife) before he came in -- that our baby had died. He and I are bawling! I'm telling him that I am sorry - over and over again! We just held eachother and cried!
Apparently -- my mother is at our house looking after all the kids! She is near hysterical - knowing that something really terrible has happened --but not knowing exactly what yet! She was doing all my dishes while sobbing on and off! Our girls know something is "up" but don't know any specifics yet! My sister decides to relieve my mother -- so that she can come into see us!
My mother shows up - bawling and hugging me and my dh with a lot of intensity! The OB comes into check me - I am 3 cm dilated - and so they began the induction! I opt-ed for an epidural - as I knew that induction would be 3x more painful than normal labour! I knew that this was not going to be a labour with a positive out come! They hooked me up to all kinds of tubes - a two line IV, an epidural, and a catheder! I just want to numb as much of the "physical" pain as much as I can!
3.75 hour later... I began to feel the pressure ( and a bit of pain) in my pelvis - with every contraction. The nurse checks me - I am 7 cm dilated I'm beginning to get the shakes - a sure sign of transition! within 5-10 minutes - I am feeling the overwhelming urge to push! They check me and I am 10 cm and the baby is on her way out! After about 5 min of pushing... Hannah was born! They cleaned her up - a bit - while I'm getting a stitch for a small tear!
They hand us our sweet little girl! No breathing, no heart beat, but absolutely beautiful! She is still suprisingly pink, covered in a lot of vernix 6 lbs 11 oz and 20.5 inches long! They estimate that she had only passed away - less than 24 hours earlier!
She has lots of dark brown hair, long fingers - her eyes are closed! We are overwhelmed with emotion! We are told that we can take as much time as we need! The nurse and midwife take some pictures of us holding her - as well as some close-ups of her face and tiny hands!
We hold her for about an hour! My mother holds her - and eventually starts singing her an Irish lullaby! My heart is breaking all over again! We agree to let the nurse take her just to give her a bath and do foot and hand prints!
The nurse returns about 40 min. later with our little girl! We spend another good hour and a half with her! I am trying to memorize her face, hands, feet and her beautiful hair! I am left alone for about three minutes with her! I finally kiss her and tell her that her Mama loves her and I am so sorry! I kiss her tiny fingers and toes! My husband returns - and I encourage him to kiss her and talk to her as well! He kisses her, and tells her that he is so sorry over and over again! He is holding her tightly and sobbing uncontrolably! We could not let her go for almost an hour and a half! I told me husband that I did not want to let her go! I wanted to hold on to her forever! After much crying and agony - my husband and I kiss her goodbye and place her in her bassinet!

We do not know why Hannah died! Even after the her birth - they have not yet found anything that would obviously indicate the reason she died! The hospital is doing a lot of blood work and testing the placenta to maybe find out what happened! The blood work --that has come back - has not given us a reason! We declined an autopsy! An autopsy (for an infant) would only be 30% effective in determining a cause of death! For an adult there is a 90% effectiveness in determining a cause of death! We feel that Hannah has been through enough!

We were given a memory box with Hannah's foot, handprints, a lock of her hair, a measuring tape that was used for her, her hospital bracelet, her basinest card, a gown that they had take pictures of her in and a blanket that they had wrapped her in! We will get the pictures that were taken in about a week or so!

When we told our girls what happened, we said that the baby got sick in Mommy's belly and died! We explained that Hannah is now being taken care of - up in heaven by God and the Angels! My 10 year old - has cried a bit - but is supressing a lot - in an attempt to appear strong! We tell her that it is okay to cry and that she needs to cry! Our 3 year old does not understand what "dead" or death means! She occassionally asks when the baby is going to come alive again or when the baby is coming home?! She has tried bargaining with us! She said that she would take good care of her - help brush her hair and talk to her! I tell her that I know she would be a wonderful big sister but we she can't come home! Alyssa would often talk to Hannah (via the belly button microphone, ) stroke, hug and kiss my belly when I was pregnant! She was so excited to be a big sister!

We had Hannah's funeral and burried her this past Monday April 23, 2007. We had a private viewing before the funeral - just dh, our girls and I. We had one last chance to hold her and say goodbye!

Physically - My milk will come in completely! I do not have a baby (our baby) to nurse! I feel horribly useless!

Mentally - I am a total mess - even more so after her funeral! I continue to feel an immense emptiness! My heart feels like it is ripped out on a daily basis now! It's a stabbing, ripping pain that seems to be getting worse!

Most relatives and friends have dropped out of the picture - since the funeral this past Monday! Suddenly we feel abandoned and somewhat betrayed by them! They must assume that we have dealt with our grief and have had some closure!

How could they go on with thier lives??!!! Our beautiful and perfect little girl is gone! Our dreams of having her -- have been cruelly ripped from us!!!

Do they not know that we are still completely devastated???!!!

My sister invited us out to a light lunch at a restaurant today. We were glad for her invitation! A couple with a very young baby seated themselves directly accross from us. I could no longer eat - and I ran to the bathroom and bawled!

Do they not know that my baby has died? That my world has stopped spinning?? That our baby was as wanted, loved and as beautiful as thier little girl was and is??!!

The birds should not be allowed to sing... or the sun to shine... my life should not have to go on without our beautiful baby girl Hannah!

If you've read this far - thank you! I'm sure that many of you, (unfortunately) can understand what I am going through!


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## BedeMama (Jun 13, 2006)

I am so very sorry for your loss.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

Oh Kristy....I have lived your story...22 months ago. Sadly our stories are very very similar. Please PM me if you want. You do not walk this journey alone....sadly many MDC mama's know this pain. Be gentle on yourself. You do not grieve alone.


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## canadianchick (May 18, 2005)




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## AutumnMama (Jan 2, 2004)

I am so sorry that you have had to go through this








What a beautiful baby angel you have








You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

From another Hannah


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers tonight.


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## smocklets (Jan 11, 2007)

Praying for you and your family.
You are not alone.

Gen


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## sbm1001 (Jun 2, 2005)

My heart breaks for you as I read this. My prayers are with you & your family.

Shannon


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## Parker'smommy (Sep 12, 2002)

I am so sorry. I'm sending you thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Your three little girls are just so beautiful! Please find comfort in this special group here at mdc. Come here and cry, scream, yell...any emotion you want. We are here for you. HUGS!


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## BookGoddess (Nov 6, 2005)

I'm so very sorry that your sweet baby passed away. She is absolutely beautiful. There can be no pain greater than what you're feeling now. I hope that you do find the reason for her untimely passing. I will be thinking of you and your family.


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## um_hanna (Nov 3, 2004)

your not alone *hugs* please dont be hard on yourself, you have 2 beautiful daughters that still need you now, and you will all be joined again together . Im not sure what to say, just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers
heather


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## purplegirl (Apr 5, 2004)

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl.


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## Debstmomy (Jun 1, 2004)

I just saw your pictures & it brings back so many memories of my Alexa. Hanna was/is BEAUTIFUL! & So Loved. Take as much time as you need to grieve your little baby girl.


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## ellymay (Aug 4, 2005)

((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry for your loss! I am just crying for your family it brings back memories of my brother......I will most certainly keep your family in my prayers!


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## Aurora (May 1, 2002)

I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughter is beautiful. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.
















Hannah Ava


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## momto4boys2girls (Apr 27, 2007)

Kristy,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl, Hannah. Thank you for sharing her amazing tribute/website with all of us. As I said to you in my post....you are an amazing woman to be able to offer support to others during such a time of deep sadness, despair, and loss. May God bless you & your precious family.

Many, many hugs & tons of support,

Christi


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## ~MoonGypsy~ (Aug 21, 2006)

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter.


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## gretasmommy (Aug 11, 2002)

What a beautiful angel! Hannah has touched my heart tonight. Thank you for sharing.

Wishing you peace, . . . . .eventually.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

i am so very sorry for your loss, mama.








Hannah


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry.


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## STBSM (Oct 22, 2006)

Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry! She is beautiful!! What a blessed family! Hang in there Mama!


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## Len (Nov 19, 2001)

Kristy, I am very sorry for your profound loss









Your feelings are normal and you are right, life shouldn't just go as if nothing happened. Your life as you knew it has ended but that doesn't mean you have to stop. You will go through this and you have your beautiful daughters that will help you move ahead. It is hard but not impossible to lead a normal and even happy life after such tragedy, don't ever give up.

How wonderful for little Hannah to have chosen such a loving family and caring mom for her short stay here.

We are here to listen to you, and to talk if you need to. You are not alone.








Hannah


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## katheek77 (Mar 13, 2007)

My condolences...she's beautiful.

God bless you, baby Hannah, and your family.


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## SweetTeach (Oct 5, 2003)

I am so very sorry for the loss of Hannah Ava. she is beautiful and I know you and your family will miss her dearly. I don't exactly know how, but somehow, we are able to survive this devastating pain. ((hugs))


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## 2mama (Feb 3, 2006)




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## Aliviasmom (Jul 24, 2006)

Oh Kristy! I'm so sorry for your loss!


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## kwren23 (Jul 28, 2006)

i'm so so sorry for your loss


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## mommycakes (Sep 21, 2005)

Oh momma, I'm so sorry. My heart is just broken for you, your family and your sweet little 3 year old (my dd is 3 in a few weeks and I know how hard it would be to help her understand such a loss).

Hannah Ava is beautiful. She will be missed. You will hold her in your heart forever.

I will keep you in my prayers.


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## CrunchyGranolaMom (Feb 5, 2002)

I am very, very sorry, Kristy, for what you and your family are going through. You did a beautiful job putting your experience into words, and honoring Hannah by sharing her with us all.

Hugs to you and your family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.


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## memz (Feb 1, 2007)

What a sweet angel your Hannah








Your story broke my heart and I cried for your loss.
I will be thinking of you


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so so sorry for your loss.







I looked at your photos and cried. Hannah is so beautiful and so loved. The pictures of your 3yr old with her sister.... I wish no one ever had to feel these things. I can remember that exact feeling of "how can they all go on like nothing happend? My daughter is dead." I remember sitting at our kitchen table one night with a bowl of soup in front of me and I just couldn't eat it. I just kept staring at it. My dad asked what was wrong and I just started sobbing. All I could say over and over was "I want my baby back." I knew I sounded like a child at that moment but it was the only thing left in me. It's been over three years now and things are easier. That first little while is just so intense and so so hard. I am so sorry. I wish I knew something better to say.


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## wytchywoman (Nov 14, 2006)

I am so very sorry mama, so very sorry.


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## BelovedBird (Apr 5, 2002)

I am so sorry.







She is a beautiful angel.


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## ChildoftheMoon (Apr 9, 2002)

Dear Kristy,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughters are beautiful. Thank you for sharing Hannah's story and pictures. I too, lost my third daughter. Please pm me if you need to talk or question or rant, anything.
Love and Light, Brandi


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. Hannah is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your memories of her at such a heartbreaking time.

Like many of the other moms here, I also lost my baby late in pg. I lost my first DD at 40 weeks. Even though it was 3.5 years ago, reading your post reminds me of the sorrow and pain so vividly.

Quote:

Mentally - I am a total mess - even more so after her funeral! I continue to feel an immense emptiness! My heart feels like it is ripped out on a daily basis now! It's a stabbing, ripping pain that seems to be getting worse!
Hang in there. I know how hard it is. Surround yourself with a few good supportive family members and friends. Write in a journal. Get out of the house for a walk. I know it sounds mundane and maybe even patronizing, but it's not meant to be. When I lost my DD, I had no job to go to (I had quit work to stay home), no baby to look after, and no reason to get out of bed. One of my SILs suggested I meet her everyday at her work for a walk during her lunch hour and it helped me to get out of the house for a little while. Everyone needs to grieve differently and find different things that help. For me personally, I did a LOT of reading (basically everything I could find on infant loss, bereavement, spiritual materials), wrote down memories and collected things for a scrapbook, spent a lot of time walking and talking through my feelings to friends. And remember that your DH may need to grieve differently from you (mine would go off on his own, cry in the car, and come back to "be strong" for me).

Quote:

Most relatives and friends have dropped out of the picture - since the funeral this past Monday! Suddenly we feel abandoned and somewhat betrayed by them! They must assume that we have dealt with our grief and have had some closure!
I just had to reply to this too...the same thing happened to us by some of our friends but we later found out that it was not because they didn't care or thought we had moved on, but they were so shaken by what had happened and were grieiving in their own way and they needed the time on their own to "deal with" their feelings. I felt so upset and abandoned by their actions too, but looking back, I can now understand where they were coming from (even if I still didn't approve of how they handled the situation).

Quote:

My sister invited us out to a light lunch at a restaurant today. We were glad for her invitation! A couple with a very young baby seated themselves directly accross from us. I could no longer eat - and I ran to the bathroom and bawled!
Be kind to yourself. Take each hour as it comes. Your sister will understand. I couldn't go into shopping malls for months afterwards (too many babies in there). And I recall too well being on a plane 5 weeks after we lost our DD and having to listen to a newborn wailing. I was crying by the end of the flight.

Hang in there. We're all thinking of you and praying for you. Sending ((HUGS)) and prayers for strength your way. Hannah is so loved and will always be a part of your family.

Take care,
J


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## mommysusie (Oct 19, 2006)

Oh, I understand all too well how you are feeling. Last year I lost a baby too. It was so hard because not long after my SIL gave birth to a healthy baby. I felt so betrayed by my family because everyone was so happy. I felt like they didn't acknowledge my loss and what I had been through. I felt like my baby didn't mean anything to them, even though he meant everything to me. I felt betrayed by my body because it allowed it to happen and then felt even more betrayed like it was a cruel joke when my milk came in and I had no baby to nurse.
I couldn't look at babies either. It just brought so much pain.
These boards helped me through so much, I felt like I was going crazy until I came here and realized that what I was feeling was completely normal. The pain does pass, but it does take time. Don't be hard on yourself, and just give yourself time.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss, Kristy.







s Your precious Hannah is just beautiful. Sadly there are a lot of mamas here on MDC who have suffered the loss of a child.

My DD, Reagan, was stillborn @ 37 weeks. She would have been 20 months old today. We do know the cause of her death, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept that she is gone.

My heart and prayers go out to you. Know that we will not forget here or pretend nothing ever happened. Please PM me if you need a shoulder to cry on.







s








Hannah


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## LolaPop (Apr 2, 2007)

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you are feeling. Little Hannah Ava is a beautiful angel and lucky to have the love of you and your sweet family.

Sending you light, love and healing energy.


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## damyen's mommy (May 5, 2005)

i am so sorry for you loss.


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## Happygrl6 (May 3, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## minimunklemama (Nov 24, 2004)

oh mama,I am so sorry for your loss.your tribute page for your beautiful baby girl touched me.My heart is aching for you and your family.Be gentle on yourself.


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## Funny Face (Dec 7, 2006)

for you mama, I am so very, very sorry.








-For Hannah Ava.


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## HaveWool~Will Felt (Apr 26, 2004)

thinking of you mama....sending healing and loving thoughts your way!!























Hannah will always be remembered!!!


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## sparkprincess (Sep 10, 2004)

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl.


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## SamuraiMom (Nov 7, 2006)

OH mama, my heart is breaking for you and your family. I am sending lots of love and strength to you all.


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## EdnaMarie (Sep 9, 2006)

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine your pain. I will be thinking of you.


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## AllyRae (Dec 10, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss...


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## jessieann (May 4, 2007)

words can't express how sorry i am for your loss!


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## RachelGS (Sep 29, 2002)

I'm so incredibly sorry, mama. Your baby is so beautiful.








for Hannah


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

So very sorry for your loss ...


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## kkar (May 22, 2005)

I'm so sorry.


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## pslmomma (Oct 7, 2003)

Please know that others are thinking about you and you are not alone. I am so touched by yours and Deb's story. I am so glad that you are posting on MDC and there are lots of mom's who can reach out and be there for you and understand that your day(s) do not go on like they once did.
Peace.


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## wholisticmidwife (Apr 29, 2008)

Oh Mama its the WORST!
Itching like that in pregnancy is NOT NORMAL! It isnt always deadly but its serious. Im sorry it wasnt prevented. We are not perfect people Im sure your midwife feels VERY sad. Im SO sorry for you. I hope you have a little sunshune in your day now.


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## Cuddlebaby (Jan 14, 2003)

I missed this the first time. Probably cuz I was going through the exact same thing at the same time! Micah was born April 12 @ 39 weeks 6 days, 10 pounds 10 ounces. I also have a Hannah (age 10).

I'm bawling reading your story. I'm very sorry and can empathize completely. How have you been feeling now?


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## AlwaysAutumn (Jun 28, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I had more comforting words. You tribute site is beautiful and she is a gorgeous baby.


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