# MIL insisting on pacifier use



## LimonMom (Sep 18, 2014)

I'm a FTM trying to establish breastfeeding with a week old preemie. My MIL has been coming over during the daytime to help, and has started to stress me out because she keeps taking a pacifier we got as a free sample and shoving it in DS mouth. I told her I read that you shouldn't do that during the first month because it might cause nipple confusion but she told me that's nonsense. She says DS is fussy and not actually hungry. He looks hungry to me, and I want to feed him about every 2 hours which is roughly when he gets fussy during the day, but she thinks that unless he's at a full loud cry, he's not hungry, just fussy and needs a pacifier. 

We took him for his first walk the other day and I breastfed him before we left. Between the walk and sitting at an outdoor cafe, we were out about 2 hours. When we got in, I ran to the bathroom, then I get into the living room and see her once again trying to shove teh pacifier in his mouth. I said "I think he's hungry" and she said "No he ate recently. He just needs a pacifier." I was sure that the walk had helped him work up an appetite so I grabbed him out of her hands and said "He's hungry" and took him to another room to feed him. It's exhausting having to argue with her at all times. It's almost as if she's jealous that I can breastfeed him, and she wants to calm him with the pacifier to show she's in charge or something. 

Also last night we were out and he started fussing, so I wanted to take the 5 minute walk home and feed him (I'm not quite ready to try breastfeeding in public yet). Since going home didn't suit her at that time, she said "No, he needs to learn to wait, otherwise he'll be spoiled." That is utter nonsense am I right? An older child that screams he wants a PlayStation needs to learn to wait, but a week old preemie does not need to learn to wait for food. Sheesh!

Also she said I shouldn't pick him up out of the bassinet too often or he'll get spoiled. There is just nothing but nonsense coming out of that woman's mouth. 

The worst is that DH is starting to believe her that I am feeding him every 2 hours because I enjoy it. They are both teasing me every time I breastfeed him at around 2 hours when he starts to root and fuss. I do not think it's a good idea to wait until he's crying, but that would I suppose be the only way to prove to them that I'm not a neurotic trying to wake a sleeping baby for my own amusement. If he was at a full wail they couldn't say anything, but I don't like that idea. Yes, I do enjoy bf and find it relaxing but it's not a frivolous waking, I only pick him up when he's rooting and fussing. 

Since DH is also inexperienced, he tends to believe his mother. Unfortunately my mother lives abroad and cannot be here due to health issues, but if she were here she'd set everyone straight. She says if you respond to a baby's needs immediately the baby becomes more confident and the whole family is more relaxed and happy. 

The only good thing is I've convinced DH that we can't use the pacifier during the day, so we hid it in the sock drawer. MIL is quite annoyed about that but at least he is standing up for me there. 

I guess I don't really have a specific question. I'm just a FTM and I guess I'm just feeling a bit confused, not to mention it's giving me baby blues. Thanks for listening!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

Listen to your instincts, they're right on. It sounds like you're up and about just fine, able to go for walks and everything, so do you really need help during the day? Sounds like you might be better off alone with the baby than constantly having to defend your parenting against your MIL. 

And if you do let her continue to come over, practice saying, "Thanks, but I've got it." You don't need to explain, justify, defend, etc., and often people see those things as an opportunity for debate. Just politely shut it down, take the baby, and walk off to nurse.


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## marilyn612 (Feb 11, 2014)

What pp said! I would "lose" the pacifier too. If she can't respect your wishes and not use it then just don't have one. If you want one in the future they are relatively cheap and easy to get.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

Throwing out the pacifier seems like the most obvious fix.

Also, set some boundaries. You might have to progress from polite to firm. This is your baby and if she's already THAT overbearing (I can not imagine telling someone else what to do with their baby, and then actively laughing at them, teasing them, or otherwise trying to talk them out of something when they've made a decision. That's just RUDE), you're going to be in trouble if you don't knock this down now.

Good luck. Enjoy your baby. Send MIL home.


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## stormborn (Dec 8, 2001)

Shove the pacifier in her mouth instead. 

Really, it sounds like she's not helping at all if you can't run to pee without her going against your wishes for YOUR baby. I'd tell her "thanks but no thanks" and send her on her way.

ETA~ I missed that he's a week-old preemie! He's not even supposed to be here yet and she thinks he'll be spoiled if you feed him?!? Kick her out and feed him every 30mins if he needs it!


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## JamieCatheryn (Dec 31, 2005)

Comfort nursing helps keep your milk supply going too, and is perfect for baby's development. Sure if you are unavailable or over-touched after a few weeks nothing terribly wrong with offering a pacifier for comfort sucking. But not now, and absolutely not against your wishes! Wait, you are only feeding every 2 hours? My newborns went every 45mins to an hour, with a few longer naps, so count yourself lucky if that's all yours needs.


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## salr (Apr 14, 2008)

You are right. She is wrong. Also, trust your instincts. You should not have to defend yourself against anything now. You just had a baby. Your baby! "I've got this" can be your magic phrase. 

It sounds like you might need to get some research about feeding on demand and show your husband. He needs to be on board, and back you instead of tease you. 

Nursing a lot keeps your supply up. Your MIL is uninformed. Your husband needs to support his wife, not his mother. Once he finds out that you are factually correct hopefully he will.

Everything PPs said.


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## salr (Apr 14, 2008)

Rooting is a sign of hunger.


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## MichelleZB (Nov 1, 2011)

Ok. First of all, I want to congratulate you! Breastfeeding with an unsupportive family is hard, and yes, you have an unsupportive family.

Breastfeeding only works on demand. To breastfeed successfully, you need to feed your baby WHEN HE IS HUNGRY, and not when you, or your mother-in-law, or someone else feels like it. The BABY decides when he wants to eat. Not your mother-in-law. This is how breastfeeding works.

First of all, I think you need to get your husband on board. I think you guys should check out KellyMom and their advice about breastfeeding on demand instead of on a schedule.
http://kellymom.com/parenting/parenting-faq/bf-links-concerns/#schedule

You need to explain to him that you are going to be breastfeeding on demand, not on a schedule, just like the experts recommend, and as a new mom, you really can't take it if he mocks you for feeding your own baby. That's not a liveable situation and he needs to cut it out right now.

Nursing less than every two hours is NOT normal for a newborn, so your mother-in-law has the wrong set of expectations for a young newborn. This stage does not last forever, but for example, my son nursed for about 10-15 minutes EVERY HOUR for a few weeks. Here is an article about normal newborn behaviour:
http://kellymom.com/bf/normal/newborn-nursing/

Next, you need to be in agreement about what a baby looks like when he is hungry. Crying is the last sign, when the baby is desperate. Rooting, bobbing his head, making mouth sucking motions, that is what he does to tell you he is hungry. Your husband needs to understand that the baby must be brought to you when he is doing these things.

Lastly, it is important to note that it is NOT POSSIBLE to overfeed a newborn on breastmilk. If you latch him on and he wasn't hungry, he just won't eat. It's that simple. Babies are not complicated creatures.

My husband would bring me the baby like every half hour "just to check" if he was hungry. Lol. Sometimes he wasn't, and hey, no harm done just checking.


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## Asiago (Jul 1, 2009)

Agreed, discard the pacifier.
You should also ask that MIL not visit until you've established feeding...she is a serious detriment. 
Your son will not be getting the milk he needs, when he needs, if she continues to interfere. This could mean lack of weight gain and development, even lack of thriving, if she continues to interfere. She is obviously very uninformed on feeding and it could cost your son his health. You are doing an excellent job, your husband has to step up. Urge him to research and let him take care of his mother and her meddling. It is not your job, your only job is to feed your baby....as you are doing (very well especially under the circumstances).
Feed your baby often and ask your husband to cope with his mother. 
Do you have a Le Leche League chapter nearby?


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## katelove (Apr 28, 2009)

I have nothing to add to the PPs. You're doing a brilliant job mama.
Oh, one thing. Do you have a baby carrier? She can't get too near him if he's in the carrier. And it will help with your supply and his weight gain as well 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## OklaFarmMama (Aug 31, 2013)

I agree with the PPs

Get your hubby some info, and set some limits with your MIL.

Sounds like your right on target to me. And it is so much easier to feed in the places you feel at ease so you can focus on your newborn. I remember how much effort it seemed to take to feed DD at first. If you plan to use a cover while in public, I advise that you practice while your at home. I also found that a very light breathable blanket works best for me, like a cotton gauze swaddler or tea towel.

Keep up the good work mama


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## fisherfamily (Dec 29, 2013)

OklaFarmMama said:


> I agree with the PPs
> 
> Get your hubby some info, and set some limits with your MIL.
> 
> ...


I've not been on in forever, but wanted to agree with the other posters.

I'm the mama of six little kids who are regularly praised in public for good behavior, and I feed my newborns on demand! They spend a lot of time nursing. Really, that's pretty much all we do.

A few thoughts. Firstly, it might help your husband to consider that your new little baby is constantly learning things about his world. Your MIL already has agreed to that statement, by suggesting he will become "spoiled". Well, if your baby has to cry and scream to get what he needs now, what exactly is he being taught? Somehow teaching him to scream to get attention is preventing being spoiled?

Also, get yourself an udder cover, or the like, and several shirts that you can pull down instead of lift up. Both will allow you to easily nurse your baby anywhere, without needing six hands. Add a wrap and some youtube how to videos, and soon you will be super mama. I nurse my current newborn, while grocery shopping alone...with 5 other kids age 9 and under in tow. You can SO do this!

And, lastly, my baby was not a premie. Actually, he was exactly on time and nearly 10lbs. He is almost 6 weeks old, and weighs about 15lbs. He's enormous. And he needs to nurse no less than every two hours, night and day. Most evenings, he nurses for a few hours off and on. Little babies, even BIG little babies, have little bellies. Remember that your belly is about the size of your fist, so is your baby's. Of course it gets empty and needs more! (Do a little reading on "Cluster feeding"...it is normal for them to not seem satisfied sometimes and nurse over and over in a short period of time.)

Wait, one more lastly. How often do you need a drink? Sometimes when the babies start getting a little bigger, a three or so months old, they will demand to nurse, slurp just a little, and then refuse any more. They aren't just "snacking" or "messing around". I'm convinced they are thirsty!

No, wait, one more. Ever notice how your baby smiles when he is really gassy or when he is asleep? Isn't it amazing that his ability to smile is connected to his belly? And that when he smiles, you smile back, even though he isn't really smiling yet? So, he learns that smiling to you gets a smile, and it becomes his very first social lessons. Soon, he knows how to do it himself. And all because his little belly is his whole world in his early weeks.

Keep feeding that baby and trusting yourself! You are a good Mama.


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## MDoc (Nov 23, 2011)

Yes I agree with all of these smart mommies. I also wanted to add that it is very beneficial for your baby if you hold him as much as you are comfortable with. Enjoy him, snuggle him, bond with him. They grow up so quickly don't let anyone convince you he should be left to cry


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## LimonMom (Sep 18, 2014)

Thank you very much for your support! I have hidden the pacifier in the sock drawer. I won’t throw it out altogether because I’m not opposed to trying it at some later date. I just don’t want to try it so soon because of the danger of nipple confusion. I don’t know why MIL can’t respect that. 

And also good advice: I told DH I wanted to limit her visits. Unfortunately I can’t forbid her from visiting altogether because we are moving away soon and she wont be able to see her grandson at all. So, yeah I understand that she needs to see him. In fact that was why I was originally inviting her over so much (not because of her “help” such as it is). 

And yes good advice on educating DH. I have been talking to him more and more about bf on demand, and he’s starting to get it. MIL had poisoned his mind against bf and he kept saying I was feeding the baby too often and only because I was in the mood. So little by little he is understanding what bf on demand means. 

So yeah she’s coming over again today for a few hours but I am going to be napping for a lot of that, and then bf ALONE in the bedroom. That’s how I survived her last visit. And yes I agree that if she is this pushy and out of control now, she’ll only get worse. I am thinking of how to talk to DH about that, you know, so we can put some limits on her now. Otherwise, I can just see her continuing to oppose everything I do behind my back in her typical sneaky, passive aggressive style. 

It’s nice to hear from other mommies who don’t believe affection spoils a baby! It must be the baby blues but I really felt I could not deal with her last week. But little by little I feel a bit better. Thanks ladies!


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## limabean (Aug 31, 2005)

I'm glad you're feeling better. And glad you'll be moving away soon so this won't be such an issue day-to-day! 

The birth of a first baby brings out all these issues that were quietly lurking before. Just politely but firmly assert your position as the authority when it comes to the baby and it will all fall into place over time. 

When my second baby was born, I didn't feel that power struggle with my MIL the way I did with my first. It was such a joy to be able to just appreciate her help and involvement without feeling like it was taking something away from my role. But I remember how it felt after the first birth, and it was tough. You're doing a great job!


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## twixer (Dec 13, 2013)

Throw out the pacifier and tell you MIL to back off. Seriously, she has NO business whatsoever with how your baby feels, etc. Only you know what your baby needs and wants.


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