# 14 Yr Old Daughter "Thinking" about Birth Control Pills



## PundaSmith (Dec 30, 2009)

Hello,

Here I am again. My almost 14 yr old daughter told me recently that she wants to go on birth control pill, and wanted to know what I thought about it. No, I was freaked about it, since she told me she is not sexually active, but wants to take it to reduce her periods. We discussed all the side effects, and I told her I would rather she wait, until she is in a more responsible position to make such decisions.

Today, we went to see her pediatrician -- I am single parent (father), so my daughter's mother was obviously not around to sit in with the discussion with the pediatrician). The pediatrician later told me that my daughter indicated, just as she told me, that she was thinking about going on birth control pills.

The pediatrician told me she told her she was too young to start (in her opinion), and chatted with her about the dangers of birth control pills and asked her to focus on her studies and think more carefully about the implications of entering into sexual relationships at such an early age. The pediatrician said my daughter asked about condom use and wanted to see how they looked like. So, consistent with their policy in the clinic, they handed her a pack of condoms, since they have already confirmed (through their discussions) that she is interested in having sex, and that it is better for them to take pre-emptive actions. The pediatrician then told me that my daughter asked her to tell me about the condom issue.

So, that was the "bombshell" I received this afternoon. I didn't and still don't know how to react to it.

--- my first reaction was to ask her to return the condoms to the clinic, but I believe she could still get them in other ways, since the law allows them to have access at any STD clinic

-- even though my daughter and I do talk, and she has been open (to a large extent), about her feelings with boys, I am still surprised about this "curiousness" about condoms?

Does it indicate intent to have sex? How do I handle it? I am from a culture where this is unheard-of, but I realized in the US, these situations can't be suppressed to easily. I am trying to think of the positives: that she is willing to be open to me; that she is willing to talk to her doctor; and that she wants me to know about what is happening with respect to her sexuality.

Any thoughts on't know how to react to it? How do I navigate this slippery slope?

thanks - Punda


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Don't get heavy, don't come down hard on her, try to keep talking, lovingly, to her and try to get her to open up.

I went on BCP when i was 14. My mother called me a slut and didn't talk to me for a month. IF she'd have tried to talk to me, she might have found out that the male i was dating was putting me under a lot of pressure. IF she had talked to me i might have been able to confide in her that i had serious emotional issues going on with men (due to abuse in my past she didn't know about - definitely not saying this is the case for your DD) which was making me think that level of pressure was normal. IF i had had someone i could talk to i might not have gone out with that male, and IF she had encouraged me to bring males i was seeing home to meet with a loving supportive family i wouldn't have ended up in his house, with no-one to hear me screaming for help when he raped me.

I am glad i took the pill. The only thing which could have been worse in that situation was getting pregnant and thank goodness i managed to avoid that.

Maybe you can be honest - tell her you love her, you're really afraid for her, you want her to be able to talk to you but you don't know where to start with all of this. Ask her how you can help her. And let her keep the condoms, "protection" comes in many forms, and though for me contraceptive protection was the last little weapon i had, it DID save me from some things i wasn't ready or able to deal with, like STD's and teenage pregnancy.


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## PundaSmith (Dec 30, 2009)

GoBecGo, thanks very much for your reply. I really appreciate the input; I am open to talking to her, etc as you have suggested. BUT the thought of her keeping a condom in the house is something I am still having difficulty dealing with, mentally. But, I guess, I have to start with the conversation, somewhere....

Thanks again for the input. cheers, Punda


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

I would flip out... hyperventilate.. lose sleep, and maybe drink a bottle of wine.

I also think 14 is too young. Too young for sex, too young to remember to take the birth control pills on time, just plain too young.

But, then, I'd calm down and realize that by 16 I was having sex. There's no way you can stop her if she wants to. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. So, if I had been allowed to date before 16, I might have had sex earlier.

I think you should at the very least, let her keep the condoms. I used my first box of condoms to blow up like balloons and bounced them off the ceiling. So, don't panic yet. It's fun to have them, but she might just want to HAVE them. Not really use them the way they are intended.

Learn about birth control pills. Many, many girls are using birth control at 14... don't assume they are all having sex that early.


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## PundaSmith (Dec 30, 2009)

Thanks again ...

wwhheeewwwwwww...

I am almost finishing half a bottle of scotch ... with a stack of student's scripts to grade (that means no grading for the rest of the night)......

Well, I have to learn to take it easy.. and learn a bit more, and attempt to understand the "new" ways ....

i will go for a walk, and clear my head a bit.... i better hang around this forum more, to learn and contribute..

cheers, punda


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## FiveLittleMonkeys (Jan 21, 2009)

I would internally flip out, and save some tears for the shower.

But then I would keep the promise that I made to my daughter, and make her an appointment to get on the pill. We would talk about the ramifications of entering a sexual relationship - how sex does not equal love, I would talk to her about pressure and how she can say no, and how she can always blame me. I would do my best not to shame her or make her feel embarrassed, and I would thank her for being upfront and honest with me about her sexuality.

I would rather have my daughter on the pill than have her come to me pregnant. Of course, I realize that being on the pill does not guarantee 100% prevention, but it's a heck of a lot better than nothing. And who knows? Maybe me not freaking out and making sure she was protected, and telling her she can say no and having that talk would give her the courage to say no and wait longer? I don't know. One thing I wouldn't want to do is to come down on her like my parents did and put her on restriction - because a teen intent on having sex WILL find a way.

Once she went to bed, I would freak out with a bottle of wine.

ETA: My dd is 15


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## SilverFish (Jan 14, 2010)

i think you should help her get the pill if that's what she really wants. going on the pill isn't going to make her want to have sex, and if she wants to have sex, not being on the pill isn't going to stop her.

things to know about the pill that could be positive or negative: there are many many different kinds and doses... if one doesn't agree with her, she should work with her doctor to try a different one.
the pill can signifigantly lower libido... maybe that's a good thing! i personally went off the pill for that reason.
the pill can help resolve acne in a way that no topical products can. that is actually the reason i went on the pill in the first place... i had terrible acne.
the pill can regulate and lighten periods, but if your daughter is 14, her periods are unlikely to be regular anyway, and that's not really reason enough to take the pill. if her periods are so heavy/painful she wants to try the pill, she needs to tell her dr about it. the pill can affect mood and weight, as well as the libido, but different types have different effects.
discuss with her the fact that if she goes on the pill now, she will be on the pill (unless she switches to another form of bc) until she decides to have children. that could be as long as 10-20 years! that's a looooong time to be on artificial hormones.


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## Annie Mac (Dec 30, 2009)

I wouldn't freak out. Your daughter is behaving is a very responsible manner. Sexuality is normal, and 14 is not an unusually young age to begin to feel curious about it all. That curiosity shouldn't have to lead to a pregnancy, and your daughter is taking steps to make sure that it doesn't.

When I was 14, I had a boyfriend who was 16 and thought we should have sex. It seemed to me that everyone else was doing it, maybe it was standard practice. What did I know? But I was willing to give it a try. So I asked my mom about getting the pill, and yup, she freaked out but let me go to the doctor anyway. It gave me a month waiting period where I didn't feel like I had to do anything -- a medical reason, as it were. When it finally happened, I felt like "that was overrated! I don't think I need to do that again!" I broke up with my boyfriend (he was pretty annoying anyway), I went off the pill, I didn't experiment again until I was nearly 18.

So being on the pill in no way equates with promiscuity. In fact, it could help clarify a few things for her, the way it did for me. I know it's hard to see your babies grow up though


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## PundaSmith (Dec 30, 2009)

Thanks again for all your encouraging and enlightening responses. I have so far held myself and not over-reacted. In fact, we didn't even talk about it last night. I wanted to normalize things a bit, but will find time to talk to her this weekend.

Again, I appreciate your thoughts... Punda


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## lotusdebi (Aug 29, 2002)

When I was 14, I wanted to go on the pill. I was thinking about having sex, and I wanted to be safe. My mom freaked out, threatened to press stat rape charges against my boyfriend (who was younger than I was), and called me a slut, a whore, etc. When I actually became sexually active, a year later with a different guy, I did not turn to her for help. I wasn't nearly a safe as I could have been. I had a lot of pregnancy scares. But I had learned that I couldn't talk to my mom about any of it.

I think that anyone who wants to use birth control should have the right to. I think it should be free and accessible. And I think that, when a teenager confides in a parent and asks for birth control, the parent should respect that the teen knows his/her own mind and should be given the birth control, and information about all the methods of birth control. Not giving them protection won't stop them from having sex.


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## mariamadly (Jul 28, 2009)

I think, whatever the decision about going on the pill, condoms should be strongly encouraged. She has a right to have her health protected.

You had alluded to "new" ways, and I can't imagine what an adjustment this situation must mean for you. But in a broader sense, you are meeting some timeless and crucial basics: your daughter has the security of being able to turn to you, you are keeping it safe for her to speak in her own behalf, and you are raising long-term considerations. As other PPs heartrendingly made clear, not being able to rely on someone is what makes us vulnerable.

The fact that she's talking to you is a great compliment. You're already handling it by examining your response based on her well-being.


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## 7thDaughter (Jan 8, 2006)

Seems to me the key element is why your daughter is interested in the Pill. In your first post you said she wanted to lighten her period. There are many reasons that young girls use the pill: lighten bleeding, reduce pain/cramps, stabilize the schedule, re-start periods that have stopped, clear up acne, and even just to brag and seem cool -- kind of like cigarettes. "Look at me, I'm on BC!" I've known young girls on the pill who were not sexually active. Further, the ads make BC cool, haven't you noticed? Take a look through her magazines. I've even seen billboards on the highway: Pretty, funky, cool-looking girls saying their BC also clears up their skin! (Hidden message: cool girls with good skin all do sex.) Hard to resist, and it's natural to be curious.

Of course we all know the pill does nothing to protect her from STDs or the emotional & physical damage of premature sex. You're not alone in your concern about this "new" way. I tell my 16 y-o daughter I'm old-fashioned but history tells us women do best when physical relationships wait until the body & mind are both mature. I also made sure she's had comprehensive sex ed from Planned Parenthood, not abstinence training at school. Knowledge of her own body is power to control her life. Please don't keep your daughter ignorant.

It was the pediatrician who brought up sex, condoms & birth control. How could your daughter not be curious, esp as just mentioning the pill makes all the adults in her life start jumping through hoops? What power! Condoms, cool! I must really be growing up if they're giving me these!

So, talk with her. Be up front that this is hard for you -- Dads are allowed to be embarrassed -- but you care about her and want to understand what's going on in her life. Tell her you will always be there for her even if she needs to tell you things you don't want to hear. (But you'll need time to get over the shock). Point out that you can help her with the boy's point of view. Google Yaz together and look at the ads and what they're really selling -- sex and skin care and BTW, look at all the health warnings! The pill is good for preventing pregnancy, but do you really want all the chemicals in your healthy body at at time you're still developing?

She may indeed be thinking about sex (or already doing it). Make your values clear but also make sure she is safe. Your daughter needs to hear (again & again) that you are there for her. It's the most important message a Dad can give. You sound like a TERRIFIC Dad!


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MariaMadly* 
The fact that she's talking to you is a great compliment. You're already handling it by examining your response based on her well-being.

Definitely. I love my dad but there is no way I would have been talking to him about this. I also compliment her (and by extension, you and your influence) for being mature enough to talk to you about it, even indirectly (such as asking the doctor to tell you what was discussed - which, even that, was probably not so easy for her). I think if I were you, I'd let her know that I was proud of her for her communication.

I guess I'd also be asking if anyone was pressuring her. She'll probably say no, but talk anyway about "if" she was ever under pressure. Point out logic issues - she loves him and wants her to love her? Sex won't do that. In fact a lot of guys tend to dump a girl once they "score." She wants to be popular? Sex won't do that either. A confident, secure girl can look a guy in the eye and say "No." And that should be final. She is the one in control, she has the power, she doesn't need to be shy about it. Would Madonna (or some other female figure) be shy about telling a guy to get lost? Anyway, just some thoughts.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PundaSmith* 
GoBecGo, thanks very much for your reply. I really appreciate the input; I am open to talking to her, etc as you have suggested. BUT the thought of her keeping a condom in the house is something I am still having difficulty dealing with, mentally. But, I guess, I have to start with the conversation, somewhere....

Thanks again for the input. cheers, Punda

I don't have advice just a cyber (((HUG))).....it sounds like a lot of changes for you and your dd. She is growing up a lot faster than you want. I think that is normal for any parent. Keep her talking and ((((HUGS))))


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

There's so much good advice her! I agree that her asking shows a great trust and respect for you -- you must be a terrific dad. I think talking about pressure to have sex and the possible consequences of early sex is a good idea -- there are some good books you can give her. I also think her interest in birth control does NOT mean she's necessarily going to actually become sexually active. It's a normal thing for young teens to be curious about and to try on the idea, but that doesn't mean she is going to leap into anything.


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## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *7thDaughter* 
Seems to me the key element is why your daughter is interested in the Pill. In your first post you said she wanted to lighten her period. There are many reasons that young girls use the pill: lighten bleeding, reduce pain/cramps, stabilize the schedule, re-start periods that have stopped, clear up acne, and even just to brag and seem cool -- kind of like cigarettes.

I vividly recall how horrendously painful and heavy my periods were when I was 14, it was really horrible and if I had been offered the option of going on the pill then to counteract much of that I would have jumped at the chance. As it was I was so grateful for the relief I finally experienced when I finally went on the pill at age 20 and I remember thinking why the heck didn't I do this years ago.

Yes, it's true that there are sometimes side effects to the pill. They usually even out after a month or so, and sometimes one has to try a few different prescriptions to settle on whatever is best for her as an individual. But I know that personally I saw a huge improvement in my quality of life once I started to take the pill. YMMV

It frankly sounds to me like her ped might not really be "hearing" your daughter's concerns if she was discouraged from considering the pill (I'm actually baffled by what the doctor could think was so terribly dangerous about it, short of her not protecting herself from STDs should she become sexually active.) I would also discuss with your daughter whether she feels comfortable continuing to see that doc, and if she doesn't then maybe it is time for her to find a health care provider who will really listen to her concerns and issues and deal with them in a professional and caring matter.

I really do understand your concerns about her potentially becoming sexually active at what is a relatively young age. I would be concerned as well. On the other hand, my greatest concern would be making sure that she was as safe as possible should she decide to take such a big step. Honestly, I would prefer that my daughter double up on protection by taking both the pill and use condoms. So I would really discourage you from trying to take away the condoms that were given to her by her doctor, I actually think it's a good thing to empower young women to take charge of their birth control options so that they aren't caught unprepared.

I also agree that it's a good thing that your daughter is discussing these things with you. She needs to have someone she can trust to talk about issues like sex with as little judgment as possible. If you oppose her becoming sexually active, tell her why but please try to stay as calm and non-judgmental about it as you can.

Good luck.


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## laohaire (Nov 2, 2005)

Well, the pill has some serious side effects, including blood clots which are no joke. (I have a friend who had a blood clot in her leg, she almost died).

And it doesn't protect from STDs at all.

And it requires absolute consistency, which many (not all of course) 14 year olds will have difficulty managing. As well as inherent misunderstandings (many people think you can just pop a pill before sex, rather than taking it the same time every single day).

So I don't have any trouble believing why the doctor was trying to encourage condom use over pill use.

OP, I thought of another point I'd want my daughter to know: if she has already had sex or decides to have sex, she can also decide to stop. I remember being a teen and I think it would be quite understandable for a teen to think "well, I'm not a virgin anymore, so it doesn't matter anymore." But it does matter who she has sex with and under what circumstances. The difference between a girl who has sex one or more times with one or more partners but then decides to stop versus a girl who says it doesn't matter anymore and has sex with anyone, anywhere, could be quite substantial indeed: STDs, pregnancy, loss of confidence, loss of status, etc. If she already has sex, she can't undo that choice, but she still can make the choice to wait before doing it again.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

I agree with a lot that's been said. But when I was 13-almost 14, I was too scared to go to my parents (who only told me they would literally kill me if I *ever* had sex) and knew nothing about the birds and the bees. I heard from friends-but the actual mechanics, etc. nothing. I wish I had known. I wish I had someone who would have listened to me and answered questions. If so, my boyfriend may not have been able to force me into sex. I may have had someone to talk to sooner about my periods that were so painful I often passed out from the pain. Little did I know I had a tumor that needed surgically removed.

So please continue to support your daughter and talk to her. Even if you don't like her interest in sex, telling her not to is not going to stop it-she'll just go behind your back. Keep communication open and tell her how you feel.

I think 14 is too young for the pill and sex, but if she's asking, at least she's letting you know. From what my teenage brothers tell me, 14 is old nowadays to be a virgin. So I would be very happy you two are talking-especially about birth control and condoms. Most never get a decent talk. Have you seen the stats on how many teens think anal and oral sex isn't sex? Both can be dangerous unprotected but their parents never talk about them.


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## Lolagirl (Jan 7, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *laohaire* 
Well, the pill has some serious side effects, including blood clots which are no joke. (I have a friend who had a blood clot in her leg, she almost died).

And it doesn't protect from STDs at all.

And it requires absolute consistency, which many (not all of course) 14 year olds will have difficulty managing. As well as inherent misunderstandings (many people think you can just pop a pill before sex, rather than taking it the same time every single day).

So I don't have any trouble believing why the doctor was trying to encourage condom use over pill use.

Side effects from HBC have really diminished in recent years as the levels of hormones have decreased significantly since it's invention some 50 or 60 years ago. Blood clots are mainly a concern for women with cardiovascular disease, who are over the age of 35 and for those who smoke cigarettes on a regular basis. On the flip side BCPs can be extremely effective at preventing pregnancy when taken properly. There have also been recent studies that have indicated that regular use of HBC over time can decrease a women's risk of developing certain reproductive cancers. As I already mentioned, BCPs do not in any way protect against STDs, which is why it is best to combine their use with a barrier method like condoms.

It's all about balancing the benefits and the risks, of course after careful and considered consultation with one's health care provider. That conversation should include how to take it properly and the problems that arise when the pill is not taken according to the directions provided.

My main concern from how the OP described his daughter's pediatrician appointment is that her issues related to her periods aren't being considered at all. I was told for years that it was all in my head, that I was exaggerating, and worst of all that it was just part of being female and that I would just have to get used to it. Yes, it's possible that I'm misinterpreting the OP's post. But if I'm not she may very well have a valid medical issue going on and she deserves to have that taken seriously by her parent and her doctor. If the doctor is not giving her a safe space to discuss her concerns then that is a problem, and if she isn't trying to help find a solution that seems even worse in my mind.


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## MusicianDad (Jun 24, 2008)

I wouldn't panic or flip out. Whether you or the doctor or anyone else thing she is old enough to have sex or not, or old enough for a hormonal birth control or not is inconsequential. At 14 she can acquire both of these on her own without help from you, unless you live in an area that has very specific laws regarding this.

The curiosity about condoms could very well be just that. Even at 14. Someone doesn't need to be having sex or planning on having sex to want to know what a condom looks like or how to use it. It's better she learn now anyways then when it's too late for condoms to help.

For the hormonal birth control, I would say if she is having trouble with her period as she told you initially, it might be worth looking into. 14 year old girls can have menstrual problems the same as any woman, and in some cases hormonal birth control does help considerably. I agree with Lolagirl that these complaints _need_ to be taken seriously. She deserves to no suffer through a worse cycle then she has too if there is a way to help her.


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## Freud (Jan 21, 2008)

I think you already got some great advice here! I just wanted to tell you that you sound like a really good dad!


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## Thalia the Muse (Jun 22, 2006)

Quote:

From what my teenage brothers tell me, 14 is old nowadays to be a virgin.
I really don't think your teenage brothers are reporting accurately.


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## Violet2 (Apr 26, 2007)

Well since the ped wasn't a big fan of bc right now, maybe look at more natural ways to improve her cycle? Go see a naturopath?

Or is she serious about sex? I get the feeling that all the sex stuff is coming more intensely from everyone around her than from her alone.

Even so she should really use a condom to protect against STDs. BC pills are just a partial answer.

I think you need to drill down to what exactly it is she wants to achieve.

My personal philosophy is that my DD will know where Planned Parenthood is and what their services are. She can choose to include me or not and seek care on her own. Of course we will talk about sex, but I want her to be able to seek medical advice without worrying about her parents' reactions.

I also think it's helpful to ask questions like...

How many people do you know who married the guy they met when they were 14? That always gets a loooooooong pause until they realize the answer is almost no one. Really helps drive home the idea that early relationships are transient.
V


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## mamahart (Sep 25, 2007)

It sounds like you and your dd have a solid relationship and she really trusts you. I would be incredibly proud of my daughter for being brave enough to come to me with the request for BC.
One of my daughters friends (14) just went through a pregnancy and miscarraige, as you can imagine it was very frightening to everyone involved, especially the 13 and 14 yr old girls who knew about the pregnancy long before her mother. It became public in a very small town and will be hard for this girl for the rest of high school I imagine.
I think having the power of BC might enable a girl to CHOOSE to say no, as opposed to being a victim of circumstance. I would talk to your girl about how much power she has and how much you believe in her, and frankly, if she is planning on a sexual relationship anytime soon.
And yes, condoms can be fun to play with, we found condoms of a friends dads and proceeded to open, blow up, fill with water, put on bananas an entire box of condoms, I think I was 13.
Anyhow good luck and keep listening, you are a great dad and it's hard for all of us parents of teen girls, mine is 13.


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## mtiger (Sep 10, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
I really don't think your teenage brothers are reporting accurately.









I have to agree. According to my teens (18 and 16), LOTS of girls don't have sex. And an increasing number of guys wait as well.

What they have also told me is that my reminding them that a teen pregnancy would negatively affect their goals and aspirations has been a good deterrent - for them and their friends. Getting an STD could be even more devastating.


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## 7thDaughter (Jan 8, 2006)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse View Post
I really don't think your teenage brothers are reporting accurately.

Yes! Do you really believe what a 14-yo boy says about teen girls? Their perception is just as off as girls who say "everyone but me is doing it."
My 16-yo has 3 girlfriends she spends time with, and these are all ordinary kids, don't date much, they spend their time doing sports and school activities, watching videos at home, and visit the mall & go to movies with their girlfriends. So we see what we want (or fear) to see, miss much of the rest, and the truth is somewhere in-between. Keep an eye on the crowd your kids are running with.


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## SomethingAnonymous (Feb 13, 2010)

I think it is a really good sign your daughter is talking to you about this stuff at all. You must be doing a great job being a dad.

All I know is that when I finally had the courage to ever ask my parents about anything- I got the reaction that many described- my parents were so mad. And so I never went to them for much of anything ever again.


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## doulatara (Jun 20, 2006)

Be proud of your daughter. She is asking questions, communicating with a trusted doctor and exploring the ways she can protect her body if/when she choses to have sex. That is alot more than I can say about many young women that have several years on her. Help her along this path, explore all birth control optionsand make sure she carries condoms along with her if sex may be an option anywhere she goes. Having a condom does not make people have sex, but it will protect her in case.


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## Arduinna (May 30, 2002)

I see a lot of positives in the OP. She obviously has a good trusting relationship with you to discuss this with you and with her Dr. I wouldn't assume anything or try to read stuff into what she says, under the circumstances.


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## kittywitty (Jul 5, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *7thDaughter* 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse View Post
I really don't think your teenage brothers are reporting accurately.

Yes! Do you really believe what a 14-yo boy says about teen girls? Their perception is just as off as girls who say "everyone but me is doing it."
My 16-yo has 3 girlfriends she spends time with, and these are all ordinary kids, don't date much, they spend their time doing sports and school activities, watching videos at home, and visit the mall & go to movies with their girlfriends. So we see what we want (or fear) to see, miss much of the rest, and the truth is somewhere in-between. Keep an eye on the crowd your kids are running with.

Well, having been a teenage girl...not too long ago, in my area, that isn't unrealistic. I knew at least half the girls I went to school with were not virgins. For fact. Class of 200 or so.

So maybe it depends on location?

Look, I'm not saying OMG all teens have sex! I'm saying so many do but don't have anyone safe to talk to about it-or talk them out of it. So bravo for your dd trusting you so much!


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## mom2ponygirl (Jun 6, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
I really don't think your teenage brothers are reporting accurately.









Sorry, I saw this as an opportunity to share a great quote I heard relating how business's are trying to adopt sustainability programs and teenage sex.
"Everyone talks about doing it, few are really doing it, and those that do, aren't doing it very well."


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## KaylaBeanie (Jan 27, 2009)

Just in case you want some more anecdotal evidence, one of my closest friends went on the pill when she was 14/15 as a combination "better periods/just in case", and she didn't do anything other than kiss until she was 19, and was close to age 21 when she had sex for the first time. So, there's that. I was on the pill in high school, and purposely did NOT date, it was solely for period control and skin issues.


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## mntnmom (Sep 21, 2006)

There is a certain sense of power that goes with being on BC. A sense of control and self mastery. Maybe she wants to have sex. Maybe she doesn't. Whether 14 really is "old" to be a virgin or not, that may be the perception she's up against.

I started having sex at 14. Now in retrospect, it was more as a way of controlling my body and choices than any real desire or readiness for sex. I came from a very controlling household. Any access to BC was not something I would get any help with. I was pregnant at 16.

I think an open, honest discussion is in order. I can imagine how hard it will be for you! Let her talk about her reasons. Talk about side effects and the emotional entanglements that come with sex. Just by having the conversation, and giving her the chance to be heard, she might decide she doesn't want BC at all. But I think things will work out better if you let it be her choice.
Good Luck, and thanks for being the kind of Dad who's willing to ask for advice! We need more of you.


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## Kindermama (Nov 29, 2004)

It really depends....what do you value for your daughter's sexuality? Whatever it is, communicate that with her. Keep the door open for her to talk to you. This is about her trying to harness her own power (which is a good thing) but pop-culture has her a bit convinced that she needs pharmaceutical drugs to do it. Is there a woman in her life...she might need to make a connection with a woman who can pass down some wisdom to her.

If she really is only looking for shorten her period or minimize cramping, a homeopath would be a great person to take her to.


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## vancouverlori (Sep 5, 2003)

I think this is a great discussion!

I wonder if the OP's DD was only telling him that she wanted the BC because of period issues to make him feel better about it? And then when she was in to see the pediatrician, she was more honest about it? Or maybe the converse, and she was trying to shock the pediatrician because she resented being taken to a pediatrician? He knows her best.

That said, my DD, who just turned 15, has been on BC for about 6 months. She's taking it for cycle control, because since she got her period just after she turned 10, her periods have been awful ordeals, and have gotten a bit heavier in the last year or two. We did Chinese herbal tea when she was about 11 - worked like a charm for two years (yes, just the one 3-day round!). But when we tried it again last year, it didn't really help. The first BC she tried was awful because she ended up spotting heavily all the time (so instead of 1 1/2 periods a month, she had a continuous light period). So she switched to a different one and now she is doing very well. She's obsessive about taking it at the exact same time every day. And her acne has cleared up completely, a bonus for her, though she cares little about it.

In her case, I know it's not about sex because she doesn't really have friends, never mind boyfriends. And we had "the talk" when she was 13 and asked how she would get "sex ed" if she was homeschooling.







So I proceeded to give her "sex ed": anatomy, female cycle, sperm production, conception, basic idea of STDs, pregnancy and STD protection... the whole nine yards. She also knows that she was an "oops" baby (I was 19 when I conceived), and I've often quoted Roseanne to her: An accident is something you don't want to happen, but a *surprise* is something you didn't even know you wanted until it happened. While also pointing out that my life got rather derailed and didn't go quite as planned. Good in the end, but bumpy bus ride to get there...

I think it's really wonderful that the OP's daughter is comfortable enough to approach him about it. I was too shy to say anything to my mom (or even to make a doctor's appointment) and talking to my dad would have been completely out of the question. And this is despite the fact that my mom had talked to me about sex early on and would have been open to my asking her for anything I might have wanted.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Violet2* 
How many people do you know who married the guy they met when they were 14?

Interestingly, my ex-SIL married the boy she started dating in Gr. 10 (based on one of those silly "matchmaker" survey things) and they now have 3 children, a Masters degree each and a huge house. But yes, very uncommon!


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## boobybunny (Jun 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
I really don't think your teenage brothers are reporting accurately.









Depends on what you consider a virgin.

I have a family member whose sworn to save "it" till marriage girlfriend and he were having anal sex to keep themselves 'pure and safe.' They started at age 14 with oral and by the time they graduated from highschool.

A friend of mine is a doc, known since we were all kids. When he was in residency, he talked about the 15 year old girl who he helped deliver her second child. SECOND.

And honestly some 26 years ago, at the ripe old age of 14 I was a sexual being, intercourse and all. I had a mom who talked to me and a grandmother who was a public health nurse. Mom was great. There was a bag of condoms with the tampons and pads. More than you would bother counting, and replaced without a word and before they ran low.

I was 27, out of college with a degree and nearly married when I became pregnant with my first child. Conversations with mom and grandma as an adult about the condom bag revealed that they both assumed that giving them to friends as well as using them. (and I was.. but not as much as they hoped







)


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## SpaceAngel401 (Nov 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
I really don't think your teenage brothers are reporting accurately.









I hope not...if 14 is old, I am OVER the hill and stalled to a stop some distance away on the other side of it.


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## journeymom (Apr 2, 2002)

PundaSmith, I just wanted to add that if you still haven't brought this up with your dd since the appointment with the doctor, _you_ should bring it up again. Even if it's just to let her know, "I'm still thinking about this. This is really important to me and I want to be able to help you, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to do that."

You've been thrown for a loop, and you can't be as helpful as you need to be if you haven't made that perspective change yet.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Thalia the Muse* 
I really don't think your teenage brothers are reporting accurately.









Yeah... it's not as though guys ever exaggerate, either.


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## texmati (Oct 19, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *PundaSmith* 
Does it indicate intent to have sex? How do I handle it? I am from a culture where this is unheard-of, but I realized in the US, these situations can't be suppressed to easily. I am trying to think of the positives: that she is willing to be open to me; that she is willing to talk to her doctor; and that she wants me to know about what is happening with respect to her sexuality.

Any thoughts on't know how to react to it? How do I navigate this slippery slope?

thanks - Punda

If you don't mind my asking what culture? I'm a first gen american-- you'd would be suprised at how much of an influence parents have on their kiddos.

Just another suggestion-- does she have an aunt or someone like that to talk to about this kind of stuff? I'm not saying this because you are a single dad-- it's nice to have someone who is not a parental figure to talk to about these things sometimes.


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## laila2 (Jul 21, 2007)

that intercourse before the age of 16 was dangerous because your body is not fully grown inside, and intercourse can damage the cells, and damaged or changed cells is what cancer grows from, thus cervical cancer. I do not know how accurate this is, but it scarred me into waiting till I was at least 16.

My mom would not let me go on the pill till I was 18, due to hormones. So I learned the diaphragm at 16. And that was only when I had a steady boyfriend. My dad would have tried to prevent anything. But they were divorced. That was over 20 years ago.

I am now confused what to tell my dd when she is of age.


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## vancouverlori (Sep 5, 2003)

Well, that may have been the theory about why early intercourse increases the risk of cervical cancer. But now the experts are saying that earlier intercourse increases the risk of getting a virus, HPV, which damages DNA in the cervix and therefore increases the risk of cancer. Epidemiologically, becoming sexually active earlier usually means more sexual partners, and therefore increased risk. Basically it's a sexually transmitted infection issue.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

If you have a family history of thyroid issues, don't let your dd go on the pill. She doesn't need the fatigue or weight gain.


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## keyley1090 (Apr 27, 2010)

I began taking birth control when I was 16 because I had painful/unpredictable periods.

While I also think 14 is too young for birth control, just keep watch for any warning signs that she is thinking about sex. That would be the time to put her on birth control because children aren't waiting even though we would like them to.

I just hope my 13 DD will come talk to me openly when/if she wants to take birth control.

I'd rather sit down to listen to that than to sit down for her to show me her pregnancy test.

I am not saying your daughter wants sex, it probably really is for her period. Just keep watch and listen.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

It concerns me that at 14 years old, her pediatrician told her that she was too young for the pill. At 15, I was pregnant with my now nine year old. Fourteen isn't too young for birth control if someone wants it.


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