# young children and open casket...



## moonshoes (Jun 1, 2007)

Hi mamas,

My grandfather's funeral is tomorrow. My children had a very close relationship with him and my daughter, age 6, has expressed a desire to "see" him before the funeral mass.

I explained to her what to expect, but obviously she is only 6 and I am not sure the affect seeing her body would have on her. It may comfort her, but it also might really upset her.

My feeling is that I don't want to deprive her of the experience she want to have, and maybe it will help her. I was thinking I would bring her into the funeral home before the procession to the church.

DH feels it will terrify her and she will have nightmares and be traumatized, and that I should not let her do it.

have any of you had this experience? Thoughts? I really appreciate any advice you might have.


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## becoming (Apr 11, 2003)

Honestly, I think a big part of this depends on how "normal" he looks. If I were you, I would make sure to see the body first myself to determine if he looks so different that it would be disturbing for her. Having been to LOTS of funerals (like 15 or more) as a child, I have had comforting experiences with seeing bodies of family members that looked as though they were sleeping, and (POSSIBLY DISTURBING TEXT TO FOLLOW)

horrible experiences of seeing family members' bodies with blue-tinted skin underneath piles of makeup. My great-grandmother even had visible thread sewing her lips closed that still haunts me to this day.

If your grandfather's body looks very close to his normal self, I think it would be a comforting experience for her, though.


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## zeldamomma (Jan 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *moonshoes* 
Hi mamas,

My grandfather's funeral is tomorrow. My children had a very close relationship with him and my daughter, age 6, has expressed a desire to "see" him before the funeral mass.

I explained to her what to expect, but obviously she is only 6 and I am not sure the affect seeing her body would have on her. It may comfort her, but it also might really upset her.

My feeling is that I don't want to deprive her of the experience she want to have, and maybe it will help her. I was thinking I would bring her into the funeral home before the procession to the church.

DH feels it will terrify her and she will have nightmares and be traumatized, and that I should not let her do it.

have any of you had this experience? Thoughts? I really appreciate any advice you might have.

I'm sorry for your loss.









My kids saw their grandmother in an open casket at ages 3 and 5. It didn't traumatize them at all. I think it did make the death more "real" for them, and gave them some closure.

Has your dh ever seen an open casket? Generally the body looks very peaceful, I can't imagine why it would give anyone nightmares.

ZM

eta: I have been to fewer funerals than becoming, and based on what she said, it seems prudent to see the body yourself first.


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## amcal (Jan 13, 2003)

Children are so open and accepting. I'm guessing she'll be fine. My children saw two grandparents with open caskets and it was totally fine. They were curious and wanted to touch and ask questions but, they were very respectful. We did talk ahead of time about what to expect, that Papaw and Nana's spirits were not longer there, that it was just their body and that they would look like they were asleep etc... But, my children have such a deep faith in God, it was comforting for them to know that their spirits were in heaven etc...

I think if you approach it like a positive - not that they are dead but that their spirit has been released or gone to heaven or whatever your belief system is, they children will respond in a similar way.


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## catnip (Mar 25, 2002)

When my grandma died, DD was 2. I did not take her to the viewing, because I didn't think she was up to understanding why "Besta" was in the box and looked funny. And, more to the point, I wasn't up to handling her asking about it. That was a really close bond for both me and DD. But when DD was 18 months, I lost my paternal grandfather, and she was there with me the whole time and saw him after he died, but not made up and posed like at a funeral home. They weren't close at all, though, not like my mom's mom. My cousin's 6 year-old was there, and he went and saw Grandpere's body, and held his hand for a little while*.

I can tell you that my little brother and cousin were both 6 when Grandpa died, and they were not freaked out by the viewing. I was 10, and I still regret not going closer, but I was really unsure of how to act. It was weird, because mom was not herself, and dad was wrapped up with mom's grief, and I was kind of on my own for social cues.

*We had 19 family members staying there during the last week. It was incredibly sad and stressful, and so amazingly beautiful at the same time. Luckily, he had a huge house with a 1/2 acre yard so there was room. A single day's grocery bill was running about $200, though.


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## Canadianmommax3 (Mar 6, 2006)

my grandmother passed away last week, we went to say our goodbyes last night. I didn't take the children who are almost 13, 10 and almost 4. I'm glad i didn't, she didn't look like she had at Christmas, i almost wish i hadn't because i will never forget it.

I am debating whether my 10 year old should even go to the service as he has been taking death very hard.


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## catnip (Mar 25, 2002)

Especially with the really old, you will find that their face will look different, because the muscle tone that gives them their wrinkles relaxes. It really, really shocked me when I saw Grandma, so it's something to know.


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## greeny (Apr 27, 2007)

My kids (almost 5 and 3) went to the wake of a neighbor mom (







) and saw the open casket about two weeks ago. They were very interested, and I was very frank.

Last year, they viewed my grandmother. Same thing.

I was very apprehensive before both events, but the kids handled it very well.


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## AuntNi (Feb 26, 2003)

I took my DD to my grandfather's funeral last year, when she was almost 5. She was fine, but my 8-year-old nephew was a mess. I had walked DD thoroughly through what to expect beforehand, and told her she could ask me any questions *after* the service. I told her Great-Grandpa's spirit was in heaven, and his body would be in a box, looking like it was asleep.

I know she needed to work through it some later, because she played "funeral" with her huge teddy bear for a couple weeks after that.

I really agree with amcal that young kids are very matter-of-fact about things that freak out grownups. With my DD, the key is explaining *everything* beforehand and letting her know I'm open to any questions she has.


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## Pancakes (Jan 22, 2008)

I haven't read any of the responses so far, but wanted to share my experience.

When I was 5 or 6 my grandfather passed away and my mother took me and my sister (two years younger) to view grandpa. I remember this very vividly and it did not disturb me at all. She took us alone a couple of hours before the funeral so that we wouldn't be upset by the situation and the multitudes of people. It was quiet and we had few questions, but because we were alone, mom was able to explain everything we wanted to know right there. We went to a babysitter for the funeral.

My sister has no memory of this trip, but I remember it all. My grandfather was a big trickster in life and one of my questions to my mother was if he was tricking now. I had half expected him to sit up and yell...GOTCHA! But mom was very clear that this was not a joke and that he had really passed away. I fully understood death.

I would have done the same for my children had a family member passed around that age.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

An open casket at a wake are the tradition for our family. We have not had an occasion to go to one since that children were born, but I've thought about what I will do when the time comes.

My plan right now would be to include them since I think that the wake and spending some final time with the deceased help us understand what has happened.

My condolences on your loss.


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## mom2annika (Mar 30, 2006)

I agree with the PP's that said check it out yourself first. My grandmother's body looked completely peaceful (I was an adult when she passed), totally like she was asleep. But my great-grandmother's body was not prepared so well for her funeral several years earlier. She was so pious and religious that she would not wear makeup or jewelry, not even her wedding ring, but they put makeup on her face (badly, too) for the funeral and it did not look like her. Her daughters were FURIOUS. It was about that same time that our youth group made a field trip to a funeral home (I was a teenager). Now that was traumatic...mostly because an accident victim had been brought to the home just before we got there. We couldn't _see_ anything, but I had nightmares.

So, if it's done quietly, calmly, and respectfully, I think 6 is old enough to understand. I'm sorry for your loss.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

I saw my grandfather in his casket when I was six. Funnily enough it didn't traumatise me at the time; I'd probably be more weirded out by it now, as a grownup! Last time I'd seen him alive he was intubated and looked pretty unhealthy, so it was actually kind of nice to see him looking peaceful and 'sleeping'. Looking back I'm a little surprised my mother took me in to view him, but I guess she knew what she was doing--like I say, it didn't upset me.


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## moonshoes (Jun 1, 2007)

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

I think I will bring her into the funeral home this morning before the funeral procession and make it her choice. Maybe bring her to the back of the room first and see how she reacts...I'm getting a lot of pressure _not_ to bring her, but my gut tells me that I should respect her request to see him.


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## mirlee (Jul 30, 2002)

It really depends on the child. Most Jews do not do an open casket funeral. There are opportunities to view the deceased though. Our son attended both funerals for his great-grandmothers, though he didn't go to the graveside service. He was 6 when they passed. My nephew, who was older, went my uncle's funeral the previous year and was completely freaked out. My son, was not. He accepted that it is part of the cycle. My nephew had nightmares for months.


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## HomeBirthMommy (Mar 15, 2003)

I'm sorry for your loss. My grandfather passed away in October. My then 7 year old wanted to part of being in the same room, so she greeted guests at the door. My then 5 year old wanted to look and say good-bye. I held her up near the casket (she told me when we got too close). She was fine as long as she was in her comfort zone. She stayed in the room with us the whole time. I think having the kids there helped with my grandmother and mom's grief a lot.


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## 1xmom (Dec 30, 2003)

I don't view bodies (have even requested that when I pass the casket be shut). It really all depends on your child(ren) and how sensitive they are. But like others have said, maybe you can take them before the formal viewing and that will give them and you some private time.


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## blue butterfly (Nov 28, 2005)

i went through the same thing a few months ago. DD who was 4 1/2 at the time was very close with her pappy (DH grandfather). I explained the funeral to her and gave her the option on if she wanted to go or not. I also gave her the option on if she wanted to go up to the casket or not. She did want to go but didn't want to go up to the casket.

When we were there she changed her mind and wanted to see Pappy to say goodbye. DH took her and her cousin (of the same age) up, they put there arms around eachother and said "Goodbye Pappy, we'll miss you", then they hugged eachother and walked away.

She was not scared by it all and it hasn't had an ill effect on her since and that was 4 months ago.

HTH


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## Jessy1019 (Aug 6, 2006)

My five year old has been to several open-casket wakes since she was a toddler. She hasn't been bothered by any of them.


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## UUMom (Nov 14, 2002)

We've had some very close losses over the years. My children have all seen their grandparents bodies, held their hands, touched them, kissed them goodbye etc etc. Both my FIl and Grandmother passed in the last 3 years, and all of the children sat by the bed in which they died and held their hands. None were there for the acutal passing...but that was just cahnce. We visited often. It was very good for them to say goodbye that way. We've also lost family members slowly, to sickness, Parkinson's, cancer...so IV poles, body & facial changes were gradual and the chidlren were able to handle that.

A few years ago, a close aunt died. I know this might sound terrible to some, but the neices, nephews and grandchildren all played right in front of her casket at the funeral parlor before the actual viewing time for non family. As we stood there, watching the children play...each of them coming over every now and again to see her, we realized that that's exaclty what she would have wanted. She loved these children and watching them play. It was just what we all needed.

All in all, I think viewing the deceased is about whether the child is close to the pseron and wants to say goodbye, the parents handling it calmly. and whether the child wants to do it. Prepare them for the change, casually. People look somewhat different when they are dead etc. It depends ont he needs of the child, the interest of the child, and the feelings of the family. Some members of our family have been cremated, so seeing them in bed, and not a service, was the way to say goodbye.

We've not dealt with nightmares about any of that at all. I have four children 19- 8 and the first close rleative died when my oldest was 3. It was a younger relative and tragic. It was much too emotional, so I didn't bring him to the service. I did bring him to see her a couple of days before she passed. But by the time my grandfather died when he was 6, he was in need of saying goodbye to the body. DS drew a picture, which he placed in his great-grandfather's breast poscket before he was cremated.


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## timneh_mom (Jun 13, 2005)

I am really so very sorry for your loss!









My grandfather died when I was about 7, so close in age to yours. You've gotten a lot of responses already, but I remember clearly that my dad gave me a very good, yet gentle, description of what to expect. He said that my grandpa would look like he was sleeping, but it was important for me to understand that he was not. He said I could touch him if I wanted, and if I did, he would feel cold. He encouraged me to say a prayer if I wanted to. By this time, I remember understanding that death was final and I wasn't afraid at all. I do remember my grandma being very distraught and crying, saying that this was the last time she would see him. I knew people would be sad. My dad was. I remember picking up some flowers from a maple tree and putting them on the casket at the cemetary.

Overall I think being honest with your kids about what to expect, making sure they understand that death is not sleep. I think that's the important part, and to encourage them, in whatever way they choose, to say goodbye.

When my grandma died 10 years ago, she looked nothing like herself in the casket. She didn't look ghastly or anything, just not like herself. Then again, she died in my arms, at home with hospice, so with the makeup and new hair cut, it just didn't look like her at all.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I was raised going to funerals so they were a part of life for me and they never gave me bad dreams seeing a relative in the casket. I have been raising my kids the same way. Seeing someone like that dosnt cause trauma to them.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

I went to several (open casket) at 6 years old. I was not scarred, I understood it was a dead person. My parents told me that they will look like they are sleeping and not breathing, wearing heavy make-up. I didn't freak out at all. Every kid see's a dead animal/bug many times in their life by that age and has some understanding of what death is. I took dd to my grandmothers viewing when she was 14 months old. She was fine. I also took her to another viewing a few months later and she was fine. I doubt she understood the person was dead, though.


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## moonshoes (Jun 1, 2007)

well, thanks to all of you. Today was a very difficult day. When we arrived at the funeral home, DD decided she didn't want to see "Mal" (his nickname). It was her decision, we talked about it a great deal yesterday, so I am happy that I did not discourage her in any way and she made her own decision.

I knew this was the place to get opinions. Thanks to all of you.


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