# Insensitive Friend... :(



## anjanetteopal (Jul 12, 2007)

Just need to rant.

I just found out that my pregnancy isn't viable and I will be miscarrying soon. I kept the news of our complications to myself and my family until we knew for sure. When I finally told a long-time guy friend of mine, his response was, "well, I wish you would have told me what was going on - I was feeling really lonely and like you didn't remember I existed because it's been so long since you've come to see me." Now, I felt pretty indignant about his response at the time because what I really needed was, "I'm so sorry! Is there anything my wife and I can do for you?" But I chalked it up to him being a guy and being candid with me because we have been very close friends for 7 years and are usually very open with each other. I was still irked but let it pass.

So it's been 3 days and I still haven't miscarried (It's been 3 weeks since I've suspected something is wrong, so you can imagine what kind of a basket case I am a this point), and he emailed me just now. A few friends had been planning a get together for this weekend. It's been on the calendar for over a month. His email said just "Hey, so, are you going to feel up to meeting Saturday? I hate to be a nag about this, but _now_ is definitely the time for us to know."

No, "hey sweetie, how are you feeling today, have you miscarried yet?" or "I know it's too early to tell how you'll feel Saturday so should we cancel?" We haven't spoken in three days so it's not like he's already extended his sympathy and is just needing to get down to details. My response was pretty curt. I feel kind of bad about it knowing that he's not the most perceptive guy in the world in general, but I feel in this moment like all I've gotten from him is the equivalent of "gee, this baby dying is really an inconvenience to me!" I know I'm probably completely overreacting - I could see it in my sweet DH's eyes when I ranted to him even though he's too nice to tell me so right now - but grrrr!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

I'm sorry he's being so insensitive. I think some guys just really don't *get* it.

-Angela


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

I am so sorry about your baby.









Your friend really is being insensitive. I'd be upfront with him. I'd send an email stating that the situation is really hard for you, and you'd appreciate his sensitivity and kindness in regards to it. That you do want to hear from him (or that you need some time and will let him know when you feel up to getting together).


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## nicksmom03 (Nov 12, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry you are dealing with an insensitive friend. I think people don't know what to say or how to act...my MIL didn't contact me for a week when we found out we were miscarrying and she admitted she didn't know what to say. I was surprised since she is a woman but I think unless you have experienced this, you just don't get how painful it is. My husband doesn't even really understand why I'm still sad, or maybe he understands it but he forgets that this is the reason I am not myself yet. I'm sure your friendship means a lot to him, he just doesn't know how to act so he is acting as if everything is normal. I would try not to get tooo upset with him. (((Hugs)))


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## famousmockngbrd (Feb 7, 2003)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I think it's hard for a guy to know what to do in situations like this. Also I think men and women handle emotional crisises differently. On the other hand, he may just be kind of self-centered. You know about that better than I.








You are feeling pretty raw right now, I'm sure. I'm sorry your friend is not giving you the comfort you need.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)




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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Oh dear, I'm sorry


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## robertsmama (Jan 20, 2007)

I'm so sorry for your loss and for that horrible feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I also agree with what other posters have said--your friend is being insensitive, although hopefully it's not intentional, just oblivious. Hugs to you mama







.


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## Baby Makes 4 (Feb 18, 2005)

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry.

I truly think that people who have never lost a baby just don't get it. My SIL announced her pregnancy only hours after I told the family that we had miscarried for the second time in a row and then was pissed off at me because I wasn't jumping for joy.


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## sewinmama (May 3, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is possible that your friend just totally doesn't get the attachment a parent can have with a fetus no matter how young. It is also possible that your friend has had some horrible loss that you don't know about.

Please give him a chance to redeem himself (even if it is just listening to you talk about it). Hopefully you can work it out with him.

Huge hugs and prayers.


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## mum5 (Apr 10, 2004)

I would definately let him know how you are feeling, both about your miscarriage and towards him right now.
I am sorry that he was so cold .


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## diamond lil (Oct 6, 2003)

Please accept my condolences for your loss. I think your friend's thoughtlessness is one of the coldest things I've ever heard. Once you feel up to it, I would call him on it. I don't want to judge him because I don't know him, but perhaps you want to rethink your friendship. Such insensitive remarks are often the hallmark of a lifetime of selfishness.
Again, I am terribly sorry for your loss.


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## Ambrose (Apr 20, 2004)

Just checking in to see how you are doing.


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