# Grieving at the grocery store...



## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I had a significant experience at Wal-Mart the other day. As I walked through the baby section (needed something for my three year-old), I saw a new baby in a cart, peacefully looking up at her mom. I felt upset and thought, "Oh, great, just what I needed to see...", and just then she started to squirm and fuss. The timing was such that I immediately realized I had been sending negative energy at her, and in an instant understood that she was just an innocent little baby, and had done nothing to me. So I immediately sent her blessings, and proceeded to send blessings to every baby I saw that day during my errands. I found that consciously blessing the babies kept my heart more open, which meant I felt my emotions more. I think being angry had been a defense to protect myself from having to feel the grief all the time. Anyway, it was a very important learning experience for me, and I'm grateful for it. I'll probably never know if it was my negative thoughts that made that little baby squirm, but it doesn't matter. The lesson was taught to me just the same, and I am grateful.

Of course, my heart was then so open, that by the time I got to the grocery store checkout line, I was openly crying. It's the first time I've been out in public and truly couldn't keep back the tears. But I decided, "Hey, I need my groceries, and I have a right to be here, even if other people are uncomfortable with someone crying." The checker was hilarious. Never looked at me or spoke to me, and when I asked if they had any tissue or paper towels (the tears were falling off my face at this point), he pulled off about four paper towels and threw them at me. But I was so proud of myself. I didn't feel ashamed at all. I just reminded myself that every day people lose someone they love, or are diagnosed with a terminal illness, or are going through so many different difficult experiences, and we all still need to buy food. Hey, we have a right to be at the grocery store, too!

So, all in all it was a very eventful errand-day for me. But I actually felt better, having allowed my emotions to move through me freely.


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## emmaline (Dec 16, 2001)

wow katherine what a day for you





















but how wonderful to feel able to let your emotions flow in that way


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

Deepest hugs Katherine


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## EmmalinesMom (Feb 9, 2003)

{{{{{Giant, Gentle, Hugs}}}}} to you.

You are so right. You have the right to frieve on your own time frame and where ever you feel you need to. The week of my d&c, I cried non stop seeing all the little babies. (You know how they come out of the woodwork when you've suffered a loss, or are ttc...) I never thought about the negative energy, though.









I hope you have a good weekend, Katherine.


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

Katherine, I've been thinking of you so often. It's great how you found yourself on a negative path and were able to turn it around. Amazing that someone couldn't just say "are you ok' in a sincere tone isn't it?

It's so hard to grieve in public. You should be proud of yourself. Kevin was very dear to you and your heart is still aching for him. This will never go away, only fade to a point that's tolerable.

You've been in my thoughts Katherine, I hope your doing well.

I went to JC Penny a few months after Amanda was born still and when I got home I wrote this.

*A Shopping List*

1. In the department store I pass the maternity section
I see the proud mothers to be
Excitedly picking out billowing dresses
And pants with adjustable snaps
Stretching my neck I pilfer a glimpse.

2. I pass the baby section and remember
That almost yesterday I was welcome there with warm smiles
Again, I see the mothers to be
Lovingly picking out cribs and bibs
Preparing for the bulge in their bellies.

3. These women are naïve, they do not know
That in a moment, a quick silent moment
It can come to a crashing halt
And death can sweep them so far away
From this mystical place.

4. I am now an outsider watching from my world
Seeing myself just a short time ago
I touch my belly where you used to live
And try to remember you dance
The closeness I once felt with you.

5. I cry a silent cry that only I can hear
My breasts are still weeping for you
But nobody can see through their happiness
They just smile and rub their bulges
And continue to shop.

6. I remember the day your heartbeat vanished
The silence from within
Repudiating the stillness and pretending
That you would be as I had imagined
But my childhood ended as I died with you.

7. I leave this place of memories
Because I can no longer face the pain
It is to hard to accept
So I go home and spend time remembering you
Alone and completely lonely.


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## mamaMAMAma (Nov 20, 2001)

Ms Mom - that is so powerful. It describes so eloquently how I felt just yesterday.

KatherineinCA:







Good for you. Let the tears flow and let yourself heal. I must admit I sometimes slip on my sunglasses to divert stares.

Somehow I'm happy to see little babies, but sad to see pregnant moms. Perhaps because my pregnancy ended so early (7 weeks).


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## EmmalinesMom (Feb 9, 2003)

Jacque, that is an amazing piece of writing. Thank you for sharing it!


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## queencarr (Nov 19, 2001)

Jacque, thank you. there are no words to say...I know those moments as though I wrote them myself.

katherine, your experience sounds similar to what my Mom told me shortly before we left the hospital. That when I saw a baby, I had a conscious choice to make--I could be bitter, or I could be happy for that Mom/family that they had not gone through what we had. (only she said it much more eloquently than that







) It is all about perspective. Having said that, the new baby girl at church is still difficult to be around.
Carrie


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## MossbackMeadow (Nov 1, 2002)

OH Katherine, hugs to you.









Last Sept I had my 3rd mc while on a camping trip in the Adirondacks. I had dh drive me to the nearest little town so I could buy pads. THe and the kids all went in a nearby store while I went to the grocery alone. I swear there were all sorts of unfit teenage looking mothers in there with their unkempt babies. I was cramping so bad and was desparate for another woman to talk to. I wanted to grab the grocery clerk and say, "listen to me!'
I cried all the 14 miles back to the campsite,. Dh had to stop once while I ran into the woods to pee - cramping and pressure was so bad.
Back at the campground, dh took kids out in the canoe while I walked 1/2 mile to the shower. Large blobs of tissue ( baby or placenta?) came out while I was showering. I held it in my hand and flung it into the woods on the walk back.
Later after a nap I was able to skinny dip in the cold prisine lake and sunbathe on a rock. I felt a little better.

I didn't mean to ramble on like this, but gosh, it feels kinda good to tell this part of the story.

Sending my sympathy,
MM


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