# Cliches about parenting and about children



## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

Should be "clichés" rather than "cliches."

Anyway... can you help me come up with some of these -- the things about parenting and children that people hear so often that many of them never think to question whether they are true?

Here are a few to get started:

"Does s/he sleep through the night yet?" (Said to a parent wearing a 6 month old baby)

"He's such a good baby!" (Said of a baby who has sat in one spot and barely moved for 2 hours). Similarly, "Was he being good today?" meaning, "Did he keep quiet in the car or did he cry?"

"Children need boundaries and limits. They don't feel safe without them."

"Watch out for the terrible twos!"

"My daughter/son is constantly testing my limits."

"If your child throws a tantrum at a store, never give in."

"Consistency, consistency, consistency."

"If he's old enough to ask for it, he's too old to nurse!"


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

oh oh oh

If you don't punish your child, you will end up with a self centered brat.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

" S/he is a good eater"

" S/he is running the show"

"S/he thinks s/he is the center of the Universe"

"S/he is asking for attention. Just ignore it"

"S/he has to be tought respect"

"How did you make him/her do <insert whatever>?"


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## UnschoolnMa (Jun 14, 2004)

"Oh God, just wait until they are teenagers!"

"If a teen isn't rebelling against his parents there is a problem. It's just what they do."


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## cutic (May 19, 2005)

By my dentist who asked dd to show her teeth, dd refused: "You are not a big girl then, big girl would show her teeth". What a nonsense!!!


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Only children are selfish.

It's the mother who has a hard time separating, not the child (as if the mother is not having a hard time simply because the child is finding separation stressful).

He can't be put down because he's spoiled (I overheard someone saying this about a baby who wanted to be held instead of put in a stroller).

The whole concept that a young child can be spoiled.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Oh and the whole thing about children behaving fine at school or the dentist only if the mom is not present, w/o realizing the child is too scared to fuss.


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

"S/he has to learn", as most often said about a baby who is struggling with CIO. As in, they have to learn to put themselves back to sleep in spite of the fact that their heart is racing and their adrenaline's pumping and they're scared shitless that they've been abandoned.

But honestly, I occasionally agree with most of the ones that Dal posted, except for "never give in" and the nursing one. I've even called babies good. They are! And I ask people about how their babies are sleeping, too. I just want to empathize with people, and I think it's a good way to talk about sleep, and how it's so normal that babies are up all the time, since the message you get from parenting magazines is that you are a huge stupid pushover and your child is going to have a sleep disorder if you haven't made them CIO by the time they're two months old.

I guess I think a positive spin can be put on most of those. Like when people tell me about their children testing their limits, I always talk about them being little scientists, just trying to learn the rules and learn about their world, as opposed to being defiant little demons that need to be brought into line. Which I think ties in with the "consistency" statement, as well.


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## carolhagan (Oct 21, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Dal* 

"Children need boundaries and limits. They don't feel safe without them."

"My daughter/son is constantly testing my limits."

"If your child throws a tantrum at a store, never give in."

"Consistency, consistency, consistency."


I am not really sure what you are asking for, but I have to agree with the ones listed above.

Children do need boundaries and limits. Adults need them too. Human kind needs them. I don't believe that these limits need to be beaten into them, but my child also isn't allowed to do whatever he wants either.

Also, my son is constantly testing his limits. It's normal childhood behavior. It's not a negative thing, just normal, imo.

And, I will not give in if my child is throwing a fit in the store. Usually I explain that type of behavior is not acceptable, and ignore the fit. He eventually calms down. It's not that big of an issue for us, but I surely wouldn't give him what he wants because he throws a fit.

And of course, consistancy is very important in parenting.


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## Rivka5 (Jul 13, 2005)

If you just _____, your child would _____.

Interestingly enough, I hear this from both sides of the spectrum - AP/GD folks are guilty of it as well. The general idea is that your child's behavior is primarily determined by your parenting, so that if you change what you're doing, your child will automatically change.


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## irinam (Oct 27, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rivka5* 
If you just _____, your child would _____.

Interestingly enough, I hear this from both sides of the spectrum - AP/GD folks are guilty of it as well. The general idea is that your child's behavior is primarily determined by your parenting, so that if you change what you're doing, your child will automatically change.

Good one!


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

The one I love (read: hate







) is:

"You just wait until your child is _____ (arbitrary age which is older than your child happens to be now)" or "You just wait until *anything* (you have more than one child, your child is older, you're child is in a certain situation, etc) ---

....as if everything you say or have to offer or any suggestion or opinion you have suddenly becomes completely invalid because "you just wait" -- your whole parenting philosophy will be completely thrown out the window and you will abandon every belief you hold dear once the "what if's" come to fruition.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I am directot of my church nursery, and it drives me nuts when parents come to pick up their kids and ask if they were "good". What else would they have been , they're children??

I do agree with never giving into a tantrum in a store, or over any item ( like candy, etc.)


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## Lonibelle (Jul 3, 2004)

how about "s/he is trying to manipulate you" (I always want to say "like you right now?"

or "s/he isn't really upset, there are no tears" (like I will wait 'til we get to tears to respond?

or "all s/he needs is a good spanking" (how is a "good" spanking different from a "bad" one?) pfooey!


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## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

Thanks for all the responses!

I didn't mean for the list to be restricted to popular claims that we are against since I think it's worthwhile to think about all of our parenting clichés. I don't really agree with any of the ones that I initially posted, but don't really want to get into why right now, other than to say that it's typically because of how it is interpreted, or because of the way it is phrased and what it assumes about children and their intentions.

Another one that many here would accept: A baby's wants are a baby's needs.

Another: Breast is best.

Can't remember if anyone already put this one out: You aren't letting him run the roost, are you?

Something of a cliché: Every mom NEEDS to get out without her baby and do some things on her own. It isn't healthy for them to always be together.

Similarly: Every couple should have date nights.

So-and-so "lets her children run wild."

So-and-so "is an out of control brat"


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## Brigianna (Mar 13, 2006)

-The idea that what kind of adult a person becomes is because of the way he/she was parented. Or that children's behavior is a reflection of their parents.

-Children need to be taught independence (as opposed to naturally seeking independence).

-If childlike behavior (like nursing, being carried, thumb-sucking, carrying a stuffed animal, etc.) isn't stopped _now,_ the kid will still be doing it forever.

-"He's doing it for attention."

-"Don't try to be their best friend."

-"It's not prying, it's parenting" (I hate that ad!)

-They _need_ to socialize with kids their own age.

-Kids need rules and structure.

Three that I see here fairly often but don't agree with:

-What benefits for mothers/parents/families automatically benefits children.

-"Children misbehave because of unmet needs"

-Parents shouldn't discourage "natural" or "age appropriate" behavior.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

"They need to go to school to socialize"

(my grandpa says "you need to go to school to learn to be a dummy" The intelligence of that statement never hit me until recently)

They will only be as good as you MAKE them be (ok, I don't ever hear that, but it seems to be the general attitude about kids)


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## hhurd (Oct 7, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Brigianna* 
-The idea that what kind of adult a person becomes is because of the way he/she was parented. Or that children's behavior is a reflection of their parents.

Yeah, that's my (least) favorite.


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## ShaggyDaddy (Jul 5, 2006)

2 kids in 14 months... don't you guys know what causes that??

Yeah just wait till you have 2 kids (when we had 1)

Oh yeah only 2 kids, just wait till you have more.

Oh, you are doing fine now? Just wait till they are older (as if there is no way to succeed, you are just delaying failure)


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## daniedb (Aug 8, 2004)

My sister is constantly labeling Henry's behavior or communication as manipulative. Man, that makes me mad.

I know I'm repeating some, but blah.

-Terrible twos
-Have you tried _______________? (in response to a challenge, like, "Have you tried letting him CIO? Tylenol for the teething? nursing him to sleep?" I know they're usually well-meaning, but an exhausted, fragile mama doesn't want to hear any more suggestions when most likely she's tried them all!)
-You just need some time for yourself (which I enjoy, but dang, easier said than done!)
-Oh, I wouldn't know. My child didn't hit/bite/otherwise misbehave


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## BamBam'sMom (Jun 4, 2005)

"He's got you right where he wants you."

Everyone but me seems to thinks it's devious of ds, dh, and I to enjoy being around each other.


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## hipumpkins (Jul 25, 2003)

He doesn't walk b/c you carry him too much.
He's not walking, yet? he's jsut lazy"
No words yet?...well Einstein didn't speak until he was 4 ( a positive one







)


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

This is a favorite of my MIL's:

"He's all boy." and "She's all girl." My dh always slyly whispers, "Yep, no penis or anything, just a vagina."


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

"You can't reason with a toddler" (yeah, there's some truth to that. But its usually used to justify punishments)

"He's not talking because he doesn't have to" (implying that I shouldn't be so quick to meet ds's needs/wants. If I played dumb, he'd start talking)







:


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## sunanthem (Jan 29, 2004)

the idea that short haired children are boys, and long haired children are girls.
My DH and DS both are long hairs and I get told everyday about my son, "That's/ He's a boy?!!"


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunanthem* 
the idea that short haired children are boys, and long haired children are girls.
My DH and DS both are long hairs and I get told everyday about my son, "That's/ He's a boy?!!"

Yep, people always say this about dd, too, who has short hair. Even though almost her entire hand-me-down wardrobe from her very fashion-oriented cousin is some shade of pink.


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## lara1828 (Aug 11, 2005)

"toddlers don't play together" Total BS


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## gaialice (Jan 4, 2005)

The one that really gets to me is "if you do not enforce limits when they are little, you will get no respect when they are teenagers". It is easy to brush these comments off when you are on Mothering.com, but in a family meeting, when all the other parents spank, and your kids do not behave their best due to the stress of being with cousins they see once or twice a year, and in an environment they are not familiar with... , it is not so easy for a GD mom. I know the best advice I got on this forum is the "have you tried these sardines, they are delicious" but you feel like the whole culture of raising children runs so deep and is so wrong that you would like to live in a bubble with your kids forever and ever.


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## karin95 (Jun 30, 2006)

I've seen this one on a blog:

"he's got a bad case of 'arm-itis'".

(Referring to an infant who wanted to be held all the time.)
And this baby was "cured" of it, only to "relapse" after a *surgery*.


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## Dr.Worm (Nov 20, 2001)

"Moms need time for themselves, too. Just because you are a mother, that doesn't mean you can't put yourself first." By this, I am not talking about being a martyr...I agree that moms need time for themselves to recharge...what I mean is the advice I am hearing a lot lately where moms are supposed to think of themselves first and let their kids pretty much suffer just so mommy is "fulfilled" or whatever.

"Children should be seen and not heard."
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."
WHAT? Your child's not in preschool?? When does s/he see other kids?" Uhhh...I dunno...parks, library, stores, peoples' houses, church, etc.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

I don't know if this is considered a cliche' technically --- but I really detest when people assume their child's future or more accurately, _my_ child's future. For example:

"when she get's married....."

"When she has a husband...."

"Her kids may do this or that...."

You get the idea. Like what if she is gay? What if she doesn't want to get married and just wants to live with someone? What if she wants to live alone but have a partner? What if she wants to be single? I mean on down the line...

I get these lines all the time from people in general conversation, and while I do think most of the time they aren't *deliberately* thinking when they make those assumptions, it annoys me.


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