# 3.5 yrs. and having "accidents"...on purpose!



## dirtlovinmama (Jan 2, 2004)

How should I react to this? My 3.5 year old DD is having pee "accidents" on purpose. Pees on pants for attention? Is she copying the others at co-op preschool? If it was really just on accident I wouldn't care so much but she seems to be doing this on purpose. She has done it at home and I know it was on purpose because she said,"I had an accident, but I don't have to get out of my dress or pony sandles becuase they are dry." She must have moved her feet and dress while I wasn't looking and she peed right on the floor. She maybe wants to watch her pee, just to experience it since she was so long in diapers and maybe 'forgot' for a little bit what it feels like to have an accident?

Makes me feel like there is something missing between us. Probably not that big a deal except I have no washer or dryer and am so tired of the laundrymat...We are together a lot. But this has been going on a couple times a week for a few weeks now! Prior to this it was just occasional accidents at night with out. I am gone only 3 days a week for 6 hours during the day when she is well engaged and having a good time at co-op. We have a lot of fun and are pretty stable without a lot of drama going on around us. So it aint the issues, crisis, transition, stress expression that seems common in other little ones.

I told DD that these "accidents", they were "on purposes", not real accidects and that she needs to stop doing it. I told her to tell me when she feels like doing it. She seemed perplexed but way interested, like she knew what I was talking about but was aloof.

What else should I do?


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## Greaseball (Feb 1, 2002)

I would try not to react at all. Just say "OK, time to clean it up now" and leave it at that. At her age, she might also be able to clean herself up. Maybe you could withhold certain privileges until she does - for example, if she is watching TV, turn it off and tell her it can come back on when she has cleaned herself up.

If she won't wear training pants, maybe there is some super-absorbent underwear you could try so nothing around the house gets ruined.

But try not to yell or punish.







If she is doing it on purpose and knows it upsets you, she may be trying to get a reaction. Just react as if it were some everyday normal thing. If she's feeling like her bodily functions are the only thing she can control, maybe give her some more control in some other area of her life. And be sure she gets plenty of attention.


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## emmasayshi (Dec 5, 2003)

I would be a little worried. I think I would tell her it was ok to watch herself pee in the bathtub and see if it stops and if it doesn't I'd wonder about the kind of care she was getting a preschool. Preschool teachers can be very nice healthy people or they can be religious fanatics or sexually scarry or even clean freaks and make your kid feel bad inside about themselves. I'd visit that school without saying I was comming and stay for a while and if that doesn't do it ask her. My girlfriends daughter started peeing in her panties and it turned out that one of the kids fathers was coming to school and touching her.


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## dirtlovinmama (Jan 2, 2004)

Yeah, I have been worried too. I actually did go over to her co-op and stayed a while on a day I wasn't assigned. One of the parent/teachers there suggested that she was copying another kid who was having a hard time adjusting to the place as a new participant. He was having a lot of accidents and my DD was very interested in his plight.

I do not suspect any foul play from the co-op staff/parents. Everyone is very involved, caring, educated and on the ball...but that fear is so deeply ingrained in me, as I experience sexual abuse as a kid. It has been hard for me to develop trust with even the most trust worthy.

Thanks for the great ideas. She did not have an accident on Friday. and perhaps we are through this experiement...I hope!

Namaste


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## Greenkate (Apr 26, 2004)

My 3-year-old son has been doing the same thing. It waxes and wanes. I believe his reasoning is 3 faceted:

First, it is a control issue for him. He had a pretty smooth two-hood, turned three in March, and has begun to assert his independence.
Secondly, he seems to do this more when dh is home. I think the attention issue plays a large role in what I have come to call "spite peeing."
Third, he has an eight-month-old baby brother, who keeps getting into his trains.
More than anything, I believe it is the age. He also goes to a cooperative preschool, but not without me, which is a much larger issue,







We got sort of upset when this started, and made a large deal about it, revoking train playing time, etc. But as soon as I relaxed about it and realized he was going through something that might just be harder on him than it is on me, and that it's not going to go on forever, it's almost stopped. "Accidents happen" has become our mantra, and we get him to help us clean up the messes. I guess if you have a concern about possible molestation or inappropriate touching you should certainly investigate. In our case, it is just the age and the changes. Oh, we also don't have a washer/dryer. We have to use the creepy basement with its labyrinth of dark hallways. I feel for you. It will pass. She won't be spite peeing in high school.


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