# Simple discipline question- neighbor spanking kids



## flower01 (Aug 1, 2007)

My DD is 15 months. I have a new neighbor who I really like and our kids get a long great. However, she spanks her kids and I often here her tell her 3 yo son that he'll get a spanking if he doesn't do...whatever. So today, her son did something that made my DD cry. We didn't actually see it but we think he may have pinched her. Neighbor asked her son to come to her and when he refused, she said "okay, you're gonna get a spanking." Of course, he cried and then continued to tantrum. I just feel really awkward around them in these moments, especially when the situation is related to my child.

Being new to GD myself, my neighbor's discipline aproach just confirms my desire for a gentler approach, but I'd like to know what you would do in this situation, for instance. It's almost like they use the threat of spanking to control his behavior - so how do you get a 3 yo to obey without them obeying out of fear?


----------



## frostysarah (Nov 24, 2006)

Quote:

so how do you get a 3 yo to obey without them obeying out of fear?
In my house? You don't. He's three. Plus, we don't do "obey".

Quote:


Originally Posted by *flower01* 
I'd like to know what you would do in this situation, for instance.

Which? The pinching, or the refusal to come?

As far as the pinching goes, my son is typically the one who will rush to a hurt kid to see if she's ok. If he did the hurting, he's even more concerned. Then, I just let him deal with it. He'll often walk a kid to her parent if he can't fix it himself. This is not something I did through parenting him, this is who he is.

If he hurt someone on purpose, or doesn't care that he did so by accident, it's usually because he's overtired or overstimulated. Everything is hilarious to him when he reaches that point. Then I'd get him to come to me, apologize to the kid and her parent myself, see if the hurt kid needs anything, ask him if he'd like to apologize. Then he gets a choice - we can either go to a quiet place and calm down together (time in) or we can leave so he can calm down elsewhere. Really, I'm the one making the choice - if he's arching his back or shrieking with laughter or hitting me, we'll leave. If he can say that he'd like to calm down somewhere and not leave, it will usually work - also, these tend to be the times when he does apologize.

Most of the time (I'd guess 90%), he will come when I need him to, but sometimes he won't. So, I go get him. Worst case, this turns into a game of chase, which he thinks is hilarious, until I catch him, and then he'll hit me. Then we'll do the same choices as above - time in somewhere together, or leave.

Why does he come to me most of the time? My best guess is that he has no good reason not to, but really I don't know.


----------



## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

What are you asking exactly? Are you asking how to react when your neighbor threatens to spank her child, with your child in earshot? Or are you asking what you would do if your 3yo pinched a toddler? Or are you asking what you should do if your 3yo doesnt' come when called? (that one's easy- go to him! Carry him back t owhere he needs to be if necessary.)


----------



## janasmama (Feb 8, 2005)

If you feel like her parenting techniques are going to be an influence on you then you should stay away. If you feel you can be an influence to her then you should confidently parent your child in her presence.

I have found with GD that I had to experiment with a few different things. Personally, when there is hurting involved at the age of 3+ I think the child can be made aware of what they are doing and I remove mine from the situation....sometimes even if they are the ones being hurt.

Sometimes that means I miss out on fun or conversation but right now I have to remember that my parenting takes #1 priority over the other 'events' of the day.


----------



## ktmama (Jan 21, 2004)

Personally, I would severely limit my dc's exposure to someone who both threatens to harm her child and actively follows through. I know you are concerned about this boy, but you need to put your own child's interests first. If the mom asked me why we don't get together anymore, I would just state that I was uncomfortable with her spanking and threats of spanking.


----------



## luvmy4boyz (Aug 8, 2008)

Hi I am new here and this is my first post besides an introduction. I have to say how pleased I am to see this forum here as I am all for positive discipline (if that is what gentle discipline is).

When I see parents who react the way your neighbor does, it only confirms to me that I am doing the right thing with my kids. I was at the park once with a friend of mine who is very vocal about being all for spanking. So we were at the park and my youngest and hers are the same age. As we were talking they started to get too far from us so we both started calling at them to come back. They looked at eachother, giggled and kept going. I said in a firm voice to my son "You need to come back right now because it's not safe" and she said to her son "get back here or you'll get a spanking.

Funny thing is, my son turned right around and headed back to me while her son took off running farther and she had to chase him down. When she got him, he got a hard spanking right there at the park. I remember thinking, yeah spanking works reeeaal well. The child was too busy crying about being hurt to learn any kind of lesson there. When my son got back to me we had a nice talk about how he needs to stay right on the playground because its not safe to go near the road and I need to be able to see him so I can make sure he is safe because I love him and would never want anything to happen to him. I know he got the message.

That is the thing with people who try to "control" their kids the way your neighbor does. They aren't teaching their kids how to make their own good choices. They are instead trying to control the choices their kids make with threats of harsh punishment which often isn't even carried out right away. Children need to learn self discipline. They need to learn that THEY control the outcome by controlling their own actions. Children who receive harsh punishment like that rebelbecause they feel a lack of control over anything and therefore they act out as a means of trying to gain some control.

Sometimes people don't realize that they can prevent unwanted behavior by doing something as simple as offering the child a choice without them realizing that whichever they choose you win. For example, you want your child to pick up their toys but you know it may cause a tantrum. Kids love to have a choice so you might say "do you want to put your toys in the toy box or on the shelf?" The child is focused on making a choice and having some control and is most likely to make a choice and do it and either way you get what you want, the toys cleaned up. Parenting doesn't have to be about making demands and threats.

sorry if I was long winded. There isn't much you can do about the neighbor if you want to keep the peace but you may want to limit the amount of time your child spends around them.


----------



## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

Is your neighbor open to a discussion of alternatives to spanking? It's hard because questioning someone else's parenting decisions always has the potential of putting people way on the defensive. Maybe starting with "You know, I've been trying this thing with my dd, and it seems to be really working...I'm wondering if you'd be willing to try it?" or "You know, I really love spending time with you and your son, and have been really enjoying our play dates, but lately I've been feeling uncomfortable when you spank your son and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to brainstorm with me about other ways to handle tough situations?" or "I've been reading this book that suggests..." It's so hard.

I would be really uncomfortable spending time with someone who's spanking. It's just too hard to watch, and I wouldn't want my dd to learn that it's an acceptable thing to do. If your neighbor isn't open to the discussion, I would definitely have conversations with my dd about it to make sure that she knows that I don't like it. "I didn't like it when X spanked Y, did you?" "I think she felt badly because you were hurt, but I wish that she had helped Y find a way to make it better instead of spanking him." That kind of thing.

And, as others have posted, at 3, I don't think you can expect them to obey all of the time. Your non-spanking approach will be much more likely to help your child learn appropriate ways to interact in society than your neighbor's spanking.

ps--I wouldn't leave your kiddo with your neighbor without you there...you don't want your neighbor spanking YOUR kid, and it sounds like that's the only way she knows how to handle things!

Oh, and in that situation, I would probably try to involve neighbor kid in helping your kid feel better...get down on his level "oh look, dd is crying, that really hurt her. Would you like to come with me to get her some ice or a band-aid?" Ideally, both parents would be on the same page with this approach and one of you can comfort the hurt child while the other helps the boy get involved in rectifying the hurt (blowing kisses, get ice, band-aid, find a tissue, etc). Also try to help the boy learn more appropriate ways to show his feelings--do yuo have an idea why he pinched? Did he need space ("it's not okay to pinch people...if you need space you can move away or say 'BACK OFF'")? Was he trying to say hi ("it's not okay to pinch, if you want to say hi you can give her a hug")? Was he upset because he wanted her toy ("don't pinch, if you want her toy you can ask for a turn, you can find a toy to trade, etc")?


----------



## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

If it is just speculation about who did the hitting then I wouldn't do anything except remind dd to use gentle hands and remind her that we will leave if she doesn't, and I would go to where she is playing to keep a closer eye on her. I also don't expect a harsh response from her friends parents, especially if it is the first incident of the day. I find that just stating expectations and stating the consequence for not following the rules works. With dd, when she starts getting physical it is a sign that she really needs to leave. A lot of behavior things can be prevented with vigilance and following a child's cues for when they are tired, hungry, or just sick of playing with thier friend.


----------



## laurata (Feb 6, 2002)

Gosh, I'd have a tough time with that too! I'm honestly not sure how I'd respond. I *might* say something about how I feel uncomfortable with her threatening her son in the presence of my child. But I might just try to avoid them.







I think it is damaging to kids to see other children being bullied. But at the same time, this is your neighbor, so you need to tread lightly.


----------

