# Strangers correcting your child(ren)... How do you feel?



## McMomma (Jan 8, 2008)

I just got back from the store and I am irritated... although I can't make up my mind how irritated. DS is 11 mos and was sitting in the cart. As I was checking out he reached to touch the produce card with the codes for all the fruits and veggies. He was touching the card with two fingers -- not grabbing or moving it. The cashier moved the card swiftly and said "No, no, you can't touch that!"

DS did not even notice she was talking to him and was by then looking at another customer walking along. I was taken aback and didn't address what she said.

We are very purposeful about not telling ds "no." Now, we are not perfect so, I'd say, a couple times a month we slip but "no" is not something we want him to hear. When we do say it, it is usually becasue he is about to do something that would be dangerous and we are cought up in the moment. Like, "No, don't stick your finger in that light socket" kind of moments.

We live in a rural, conservative town where the concept of not saying no to children is totally foreign. Had I tried to talk to this woman she would likely have been unreceptive and possibly hostile. I want to understand that perhaps her produce card had been taken before or that she might get in trouble if something happend to it... But I really disliked having someone scold my child. However, I want to affirm that "It Takes a Village," I guess I'm just not wild about it being the village I happen to live in.

This made me wonder how I ought to handle this in the future as ds gets bigger and will notice such interactions more than the one today. How do you feel and what do you do when strangers or people you do not know well "discipline" your kiddos? Now, we are very counterculteral in our little town but I imagine a lot of MDCers are counterculteral, so what do you say when their treatment of your child is way out of line with your philosophy (and it is unlikely they will get it)?


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

no, i'm not cool with strangers correcting my children at all. but in the cashier's defense, your baby was touching what did not belong to him and did belong to the cashier. do i think the cashier was right? no. if it was an issue, he should have said something to you about your baby - not the baby himself. just my opinion.


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

This is interesting to me......I don't like people correcting my children either. Most of the time to avoid a scene i just ignore them and go about my way. i explain to my child later what the problem was.

That being said...I do tell my children "no". Sometimes they ask for thiings I don't think they should have, or they do things that they definitely should not be doing. My question to you is what do you say or do if you encounter a problem like this? How do explain to them what is acceptable behavior or what is not?


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## LionessMom (Mar 12, 2008)

to me it depends on the situation. but i have told people before that i can parent my child myself. this was when i was telling my kid something and they stepped in and started saying something else to them.. so mad. but if she didnt yell at him... pick your battles. he is never going to avoid hearing no from other people. usually, if someone tells my kid no and it was something they shouldnt have been doing i will step in and explain to my kid and then redirect them. jmo. if they yell at my kid and scare them i will tell them (in a very firm, not so nice voice) not to ever do it again. if they spanked them or something, then i would be MAD and they would know it. not sure what i would do then.


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

I don't like it when people correct my child -- I think you will find that most parents don't









I take it on a case by case basis on how I handle things. If someone said something like the cashier, I would explain to dd that the cashier didn't want anyone touching that and I realize she wasn't hurting anything but that I didn't create the *rules* at that particular place.









If it is something like someone telling dd she can't climb *up* the slide or whatever -- I do correct _them_ (the person correcting) but first I might say to dd -- "dd, she didn't know that climbing the slide is okay with me... you go ahead... please be mindful of others wanting to slide down though..." then, I usually say to the person correcting something like "thanks, but we don't mind her doing X or Y" ... I try to believe the intention was good (that they assume I may not want her to do X Y and are "helping" me)so I try not to get upset.

That having been said though, if the correcting is shaming or mean or the tone is disrespectful, (which has never really happened thank God) I would plainly tell someone to not speak to my child in that manner, then in no uncertain terms tell my dd -- which I do often anyway -- that she deserves to be treated respectfully and does not have to be in the company of people who don't treat her respectfully.

Hope that helps.


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

I hate it when others correct my child. So I usually try to beat them to it, so that they don't have to, and I can redirect in a more gentle manner than they might.

Checkout lines are one of the places I have to watch DD very carefully, or she will: pull out all the wine bags, write all over herself with that pen on a chain or else pull it til it snaps, push all the buttons on the debit card thingie, and I won't even mention the things on the *other* side.

Engaging her by giving her something to hand to the cashier then get handed back after its scanned is working right now.


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## mommy2abigail (Aug 20, 2005)

Posted by Captain Crunchy:

I don't like it when people correct my child -- I think you will find that most parents don't

I take it on a case by case basis on how I handle things. If someone said something like the cashier, I would explain to dd that the cashier didn't want anyone touching that and I realize she wasn't hurting anything but that I didn't create the *rules* at that particular place.

If it is something like someone telling dd she can't climb *up* the slide or whatever -- I do correct them (the person correcting) but first I might say to dd -- "dd, she didn't know that climbing the slide is okay with me... you go ahead... please be mindful of others wanting to slide down though..." then, I usually say to the person correcting something like "thanks, but we don't mind her doing X or Y" ... I try to believe the intention was good (that they assume I may not want her to do X Y and are "helping" me)so I try not to get upset.

That having been said though, if the correcting is shaming or mean or the tone is disrespectful, (which has never really happened thank God) I would plainly tell someone to not speak to my child in that manner, then in no uncertain terms tell my dd -- which I do often anyway -- that she deserves to be treated respectfully and does not have to be in the company of people who don't treat her respectfully.

ITA...but then again I usually do agree with her!


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

You're awesome Natalia... and thanks


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## colobus237 (Feb 2, 2004)

I don't really have a problem with "no", so I don't know that it would have bothered me. I might have felt resentful if I thought that someone else was criticizing my parenting unfairly, or embarrassed if my kid had inconvenienced or bothered someone and I hadn't stopped it. There are times when I have been criticized by a stranger (for my baby not being dressed warmly enough in her opinion) and it irritated me but I shrugged it off - I know my baby and whether he is comfy, she had a concern...I said "thanks for your concern" and left it at that.

I agree with BellinghamCrunchie -

Quote:

I hate it when others correct my child. So I usually try to beat them to it, so that they don't have to, and I can redirect in a more gentle manner than they might.
In the cashier's defense, a lighthearted "no no sweetheart" in general will be seen as less aggressive than a "please make your kid stop doing that" directed at the parent. At least in my perception.

Just out of curiosity, are you just opposed to the word "no," or to the concept of non-allowed actions as a whole?


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## McMomma (Jan 8, 2008)

Lots of interesting feedback. Thanks for your ideas... For some further explanation:

The tone of the cashier was brisk but not yelling. It was a tone we do not use with our baby, however. It was not at all a sweetheart tone. As far as why we don't say "no," we do redirection and gently take things away with an explanation such as "that's Momma's" or "yucky." We offer to trade items, too, if it's possible and say, "this is for Doodle to play with." Once he is able to have conversations and ask for things or to do things, "no" will naturally be part of what we say to him, like, "No, you may not spend the night at Billy the little thug's house."







For now, we don't want "no" to be the word he hears every other time he touches something. As for the item being hers -- while that's true he really was just touching it harmlessly. However, had the cashier talked to me about it instead of him I would have had no problem redirecting him. I like the idea of explaining the "rules" in a particular place when he is old enough to understand. My brother does that with his sons when we visit my grandmother's -- "those are Granny's rules."


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## Way Up North (Sep 15, 2007)

I don't like it, but when it happens, I make sure to talk to dd about it~ explain it, and yes, I do it in front of the corrector!

Quote:

That being said...I do tell my children "no". Sometimes they ask for thiings I don't think they should have, or they do things that they definitely should not be doing. My question to you is what do you say or do if you encounter a problem like this? How do explain to them what is acceptable behavior or what is not?
We rarely use no. Now that dd is closer to 3 we do it more because she understands, it is shorthand for things we have already been over. But we didn't use it~ like the OP said, we redirect, explain etc. I am not opposed to my child not being allowed to have/do things at all~ but NO becomes a very useful crutch that let's ME off the hook, kwim? So I have to explain *why* she can't have/do~ she doesn't have to like it or agree, but we can talk about it. Often when I stop myself I realize it isn't really a 'no' maybe its a later, or a not now. Maybe I am wrong








So I don't like when people just tell my child 'no', I am much more receptive to "you can't touch xyz because abc".

L


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## bellacymom (Apr 3, 2008)

I have to say it kind of annoys me for people to correct my kids but at the same time it gets the point across better when someone else says it I have noticed. Now with my 11 month old she is not old enough to know what she is doing so that cashier IMO was just ridiculous. Was she saying it in a playful tone like smiling or anything?


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## BellinghamCrunchie (Sep 7, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ccohenou* 
In the cashier's defense, a lighthearted "no no sweetheart" in general will be seen as less aggressive than a "please make your kid stop doing that" directed at the parent. At least in my perception.

Just out of curiosity, are you just opposed to the word "no," or to the concept of non-allowed actions as a whole?

I'm not completely opposed to the use of the word, "no," I just tend to save it for really unsafe situations when I can't think fast. I would really rather tell her what she can do rather than what she can't, and also explain why she can't.

Although I'm so sensitive to, judgement, I guess, or something, that if a cashier said to my DD, "No, No, you can't touch that" my first thought would be "Oh crap I wasn't paying good enough attention to what DD is doing." I know she is grabby at the checkout - she's very curious about everything. My second thought would probably be "arggh you don't have to talk to my daughter that way" and be irritated. But initially I would assume I had failed in my parental duties.

Most cashiers and employees we meet are a little better (than the one in the OP's post) about letting me know that I need to help DD stop doing something... They usually call my attention to it by saying something innoculous like, "Every child likes to play with my produce book!" or "You sure are curious!" and seem to avoid giving a direct order to my child, which I appreciate.


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## Kessed (Nov 28, 2007)

Personally I wouldn't worry about something like that.

I believe that how we treat DD on a day in day out basis will be the primary influence on her. So if she's treated differently but other people, as long as it makes up a really small part of her life, it won't be a negative influence.

We're not concerned about "no" - but we really try hard not to restrict how she chooses to test her physical limits. And often at the park I have other parents (mostly moms) try to stop her from doing things. And that really bugs me. But - since most of her park time is with me and DH - I don't think that her confidence is going to be hurt by the occasional intrusion by a stranger.

My In-Laws... They spend enough time with her that it is important. And we're working on getting them to relax and trust that DD doesn't do things that she can't do. (She will almost always stop herself before she gets into trouble).


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## elizawill (Feb 11, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BellinghamCrunchie* 
Checkout lines are one of the places I have to watch DD very carefully, or she will: pull out all the wine bags, write all over herself with that pen on a chain or else pull it til it snaps, push all the buttons on the debit card thingie, and I won't even mention the things on the *other* side.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

I'm speaking as a mom who is EXTREMELY touchy about somebody telling my baby "no", and also as a former cashier.

I agree that the cashier shouldn't have used a "brisk" tone by no means. That was unecessary. She could have sweetened it up a bit. Even at my most annoying moments, I've always had a soft spot for a baby. When a baby is trying to destroy--er, touch my stuff, I say, "Uh oh!" while (if it's necessary) gently holding the baby's hand to keep him from totally pushing a button that would completely throw my register off) and then I say, "You're gonna help me?" in a sing song voice and wait till mama moves the baby's hand so or until sshe stops trying touch whatever she's trying to touch. Then, I' may make a joke with mama, and say, "Yeah, obviously she saw I wasn't doing it right and she wanted to help!!" and we laugh it off.

That said, there can be a lot of doodads and gadgets around a cash register that may "seem" harmless for a baby to touch but would actually either hurt baby or really screw the cashier up if it's messed with, the produce card included. And yes, sometimes it's a matter of "oh snap! grab that kid's hand (gently!!!) before he touches that!!" or either, "Say no quickly to the kid because if he touches that I'm screwed!" situation that may not "seem" like an emergency to you, but actually would be to the cashier. And it may even be something as simple as the way the otherwise harmless to touch item is rigged up sitting there....and if it's like the places I've worked, it could be broken/shoddily fixed up and the whole thing could come careening down if it's "touched" the wrong way".....Or, it could be that the produce card slot sits right by the off switch of the register and the cashier herself has turned her register off several times mid-transaction by going to grab the produce card the wrong way.







I've had a lot of retail and cashier jobs....trust me...I've seen everything. It could have been something totally benign looking, that it would SEEM that a child wouldn't hurt, but who knows? Sometimes by the time a cashier would stop and say, "Um, ma'am, if she touches that thing/card/button, she could get shocked/the whole thing will fall/I'm screwed", the child has already touched it, and the damage is done.

It would be nice if all people were really nice about not saying "no" when people's cute little babies try to touch; but we live in a society of varied people with varied beliefs on child-rearing. It's impossible, and imho a bit unreasonable to expect random strangers to automatically know to not tell a child "no" if he touches something that he shouldn't and mom doesn't know or doesn't realize that he shouldn't touch.

People are just different that way, and you have to come to expect those differences.

Personally, being that i've actually been a cashier before and know of the dilemma of babies touching stuff around my register, and being that I get annoyed when people tell my munchkin "no", I avoid the whole cashier/touch situation altogether by not allowing the part of the basket where the munchkin is sitting to be anywhere near all the good touchable items. He's either sitting up there by the conveyor belt or way back there by the bags. Otherwise he WOULD touch stuff.

In other words, I try my best to avoid known situations in which some one else that I don't like/want to may end up telling my kid "no". That's just me though. My humble $.02


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## Roar (May 30, 2006)

I think it is really easy for parents to have overblown protective instincts and think their kids are FAR more fragile than they really are. I totally understand why you don't want "no" to be the thing your kid hears every time they touch something. I totally get that you can have a more positive and pleasant tone in your home by having other ways of addressing most problems than by saying "no". I also think though that it isn't like the cashier screamed at the kid or hit the kid. It is quite possible for a baby or child to go out in the world and not everyone will have as sunny and perfectly Mary Poppins way of interacting and really it won't affect the kid even a tiny little bit. One of the best gifts you can give your kid is to NOT over react about this sort of thing. To do so is to promote a kind of anxiety and insecurity about their place in the world. I'd rather get the idea going that if people are less than sunny that really isn't about us. Maybe they don't have experience with toddlers, maybe they just cleaned up a giant spill on aisle three from another kid, maybe they were out of coffee this morning. That's life, don't give it too much energy.


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## prothyraia (Feb 12, 2007)

I dislike other people correcting my kids (with a few exceptions, people we know well).

However, if the babe/child is doing something that directly impacts another person (grabbing their purse, pulling their hair, touching that produce card) and I haven't prevented it or intervened immediately, I figure they have the right to...erm...protect their interests.

I take the same sort of approach with other people's children- I only "discipline" them if they are engaged directly with me/my son/my belongings.


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## paquerette (Oct 16, 2004)

I guess my benchmark is to question whether the person would have corrected an adult for doing whatever thing? If you had been touching the produce card with 2 fingers, would the cashier have said "No, don't touch that" to you and moved it out of your reach? Or was she holding your child to a higher standard than an adult customer? That would determine how annoyed I got at the exhchange.


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## NiteNicole (May 19, 2003)

You can't really make people match your tone and wording when they talk to your child, especially if they don't know you. And you will find MANY posts by people who are annoyed when people "sweetie, baby, honey" their children and consider it "talking down to" and isulting. You'll also find an equal number of people who are annoyed when people talk to their child (I DO NOT LIKE STRANGERS TALKING TO MY CHILD! THE NERVE) OR talk to the adult and ignore the child (SHE IS A PERSON! SPEAK TO HER, NOT OVER HER! THE NERVE!).

In short, "other people" often can't win and really, they don't even know they're playing.

I don't think anything really happened here. Your daughter was touching something that beloned to someone else, the other person told her to stop. That's life. She didn't say, "Hey lady, control your brat" or "Hey, that's BAD! QUIT IT!"

You can't really expect other people to anticipate, adopt, or even care about your parenting style. YOU are the parent and the fact that YOU don't use no is what matters. A few random interactions with strangers won't make a dent as compared to your full-time parenting.

I'd also like to address the idea that this is someone else "correcting" your kid. This person was really managing her own stuf (the card) and her "rules" for it (don't touch my stuff). That's reasonable. Unreasonable would be telling your child to stop digging in your purse (your stuff, your rules).


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## Nekawa Ma (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
I dislike other people correcting my kids (with a few exceptions, people we know well).

However, if the babe/child is doing something that directly impacts another person (grabbing their purse, pulling their hair, touching that produce card) and I haven't prevented it or intervened immediately, I figure they have the right to...erm...protect their interests.

I take the same sort of approach with other people's children- I only "discipline" them if they are engaged directly with me/my son/my belongings.









:

In the case of the OP, it sounds like the cashier was simply establishing a boundary. I may not have liked her tone, but I would recognize that she was modelling healthy behavior to my child. I certainly would like to teach my kids that it's OK to tell other people (especially people they don't know) not to touch their own important things.

What drives me crazy is when people allow my kids to cross those boundaries and then look to me in frustration for help. My mom is famous for this, and it's really confusing to my dd. She'll be playing with dd on the couch, hugging and tickling, whatever. Next thing I know, I will see by the look on mom's face that dd's being too rough-- jumping on her or etc. But she doesn't do anything to establish a boundary or to defend herself, just looks in my direction (her expression somewhat panicked). So I distract dd and get her to move on to some other activity. But I think this models the wrong message for dd. Mom is modelling extremely helpless, powerless behavior around her own personal boundaries. It would be much better, IMO, for my mom to ask dd not to play rough with her directly. My own involvement teaches dd nothing about respecting other people's space. I can only teach her that around my own body and things.

Now, if the cashier in the OP had told my dd not to touch something of mine, that would be another story. I can't stand people butting in to correct my kids either.


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## daytripper75 (Jul 29, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 
You can't really make people match your tone and wording when they talk to your child, especially if they don't know you. And you will find MANY posts by people who are annoyed when people "sweetie, baby, honey" their children and consider it "talking down to" and isulting. You'll also find an equal number of people who are annoyed when people talk to their child (I DO NOT LIKE STRANGERS TALKING TO MY CHILD! THE NERVE) OR talk to the adult and ignore the child (SHE IS A PERSON! SPEAK TO HER, NOT OVER HER! THE NERVE!).

In short, "other people" often can't win and really, they don't even know they're playing.

I don't think anything really happened here. Your daughter was touching something that beloned to someone else, the other person told her to stop. That's life. She didn't say, "Hey lady, control your brat" or "Hey, that's BAD! QUIT IT!"

You can't really expect other people to anticipate, adopt, or even care about your parenting style. YOU are the parent and the fact that YOU don't use no is what matters. A few random interactions with strangers won't make a dent as compared to your full-time parenting.

I'd also like to address the idea that this is someone else "correcting" your kid. This person was really managing her own stuf (the card) and her "rules" for it (don't touch my stuff). That's reasonable. Unreasonable would be telling your child to stop digging in your purse (your stuff, your rules).


What a great post!!!


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## McMomma (Jan 8, 2008)

The point of my thread was more a philosophical, future oriented question than a please nit pick my reaction and feelings question. I attempted to be open about how I felt conflicted by what happend and that it made me wonder how I would react to strangers in the future interacting with my baby in a way I wouldn't. I have not previously posted in GD before and I guess a better place to have posted would have been in the Baby forum. Thanks to those who reflected on how they feel and react in similar situations.


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## Smalls181 (May 12, 2006)

I think that as long as the person is nice to my child, I don't mind them correcting her. Do they always correct her the same way we do in our household? No, not always. Sometimes they even do it better than we do, believe it or not.







I'm not always right there on top of everything all of the time, so it can be helpful at times. I can't recall a time when any adult was rude or harsh with my child.

The other day we were at a cook out with a bunch of other folks. There was a 9 year old boy there that I sort of knew, but not really. He was doing something somewhat dangerous, but not an immediate threat to himself or others. I simply to said to him, "Hey D, you know your bones harnded about 3 years ago, so I would be really careful so as not to fall and break any of those freshly hardened bones of yours." I don't know if thats the sort of stuff his parents let him do or not, but I thought it would be wise of him to just be cautious and aware of what could happen if he wasn't.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *McMomma* 
The point of my thread was more a philosophical, future oriented question *than a please nit pick my reaction and feelings question.* I attempted to be open about how I felt conflicted by what happend and that it made me wonder how I would react to strangers in the future interacting with my baby in a way I wouldn't. I have not previously posted in GD before and I guess a better place to have posted would have been in the Baby forum. Thanks to those who reflected on how they feel and react in similar situations.

--








: I hope you don't feel nitpicked by my post. I don't think many here posted to nitpick you or your feelings.

I was only responding to the fact that you repeatedly stated that your child wasn't hurting anything by touching the cashiers stuff when really, unless you've worked at *that* store at *that* register, *very recently*, then you don't know if your child was harming by touching or not.

In any case, I think little incidents that from my child's grabby infancy have taught me to, as a pp mentioned, stay on top of my kid if for no other reason to be able to redirect/discipline him according to my standards before some other random stranger has a chance to. By the time he was in his full-tilt toddler years, i was really on top of it.


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## Kirsten (Mar 19, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *McMomma* 
The point of my thread was more a philosophical, future oriented question than a please nit pick my reaction and feelings question. I attempted to be open about how I felt conflicted by what happend and that it made me wonder how I would react to strangers in the future interacting with my baby in a way I wouldn't.

I'm sorry you feel you got negative reactions. I think people are trying to help you look at it in a different way, not nit pick you.

I think you are well within your parental rights to not use the word "no" with your baby if that is what you think will be best. It just doesn't apply to everyone in all situations though. In your house, in your car, in situations with you and your child and no one else, it works fine. In public, with other people and their belongings, it doesn't. The only way to keep others from telling your child no is to keep her from touching anything that doesn't belong to you.

I would liken it to letting your child use her voice any way she wants at home. You don't want to squash her expressions, and let her talk, sing, holler any way she likes at home. That is fine if it works for you. It wouldn't be fine at a funeral, church, graduation ceremony, wedding, hospital, etc. Even though it is your child and your parenting rules, allowing your child to be loud (or touch anything they want) isn't ok everywhere.

The cashier was absolutely within her rights to keep your baby from touching the items used in her job. Maybe wearing the baby in a carrier would keep her from touching items that she shouldn't?


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

It depends- both tone and who is doing it. I'll be more open to a store employee correcting my child becasue it's their job to protect the store's interests. If my child is acting contrary to the store's interests the clerk may need to stop them.


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## goodheartedmama (Feb 1, 2007)

I get so annoyed. I can handle it, thank you. Just because you don't approve of how I'm handling it doesn't mean I need your help.

And ditto the person who said it's about tone and approach. If I'm busy with one of my kids and someone says something to protect my other child, and does so respectfully, I'm cool with that. I'm not cool with someone berating my child.


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## thismama (Mar 3, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NiteNicole* 

I'd also like to address the idea that this is someone else "correcting" your kid. This person was really managing her own stuf (the card) and her "rules" for it (don't touch my stuff). That's reasonable. Unreasonable would be telling your child to stop digging in your purse (your stuff, your rules).









: its one person communicating their own boundaries to another person. thats life, yk?


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I have no problems with someone communicating their boundaries to one of my kids. If they do it rudely, as described in OP, I explain to my kids that way of communicating is rude and why.

I want my kids to know that it's perfectly possible to express needs to others and have them respected without using a rude voice.

(I get to have this conversation about voice intonation a lot since my kid is 7!)

At the age of OP's kid, I reacted simply as if the person was being rude to me (which they are). Which in my case is to make eye contact and respond politely and with as much kindness as I can muster.

Later, when the kids are affected directly, I help them through it and we talk about it later.

Learning to respond to someone who expresses a legitimate request in a rude way is a hard one even for lots of grown ups!


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

In a perfect world, IMHO people would respectfully direct their information to directly to my child. As in "Please don't touch that". I want my children to learn to interact with the world, not just me. And I want my kids to respect other's boundaries, and they need information about what those boundaries are. And I agree with PP that I can control what my kids hear/ see/ experience in my home but not in the world at large, so they need some experience outside of just interacting with me. That's the "philosophical" part, I think. And that would start about the point where a child could process information and might be able to act on it -- say about 2. Younger than that and people should address the parents because they will probably need to be involved in distracting child.

Now for the variables. My kids are 5 and 8, so they are well able to deal with whatever the world dishes at them, most of the time. The OPs child was less than a 1, which means that "no" isn't going to be reliable no matter what, so really the cashier's intent should be to alert the parents to stop the babies hands. I do feel strongly that no stranger should TOUCH my child, so in that sort of situation I want people to alert me quickly so I can catch babies hand mid-reach. Explaining to the baby that the stranger was rude is probably not going to impact baby in the short-term, but is probably good practice for the long run. Explaining to baby that stranger was rude in the hearing of the stranger is just a passive-aggressive way of correcting the stranger and is, IMHO, rude in itself. So if I have a real problem with tone or whatever, then I politely address the stranger, with "Please use a softer tone" or "Please tell me so I can handle it" or similar.

For my older kids, if stranger is rude, I will generally recap with the kids after we leave the store, something like "Cashier should have been more polite, but next time please don't X" or "Cashier must have been having a bad day and was rude, I think you were fine."

If stranger is wrong, I will tell stranger. As in, "Thanks for your concern, my child is may/can climb the jungle gym". Happened all the time at the playground when DD was younger - some "helpful" person would tell her she couldn't do something that was both allowed and within her capability but scary because she looked younger and was very physically adept very young.

It is hard to know where to draw lines sometimes, and there are lots of variables. The intersection of child, parent and the world is probably the most complicated that we have to navigate.


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

Not everyone has a soft and gentle way w/ people, even kids.

OP, I understand that you don't like your child being talked to in a brisk manner. Really, I do. And sometimes it has bugged me when someone has taken a tone w/ my child and feel that they could relay what they want to better. So I empathize w/ you feeling this way.

However, that is life. Some people *are* just on the brisk side. Some people are rude on purpose. Some people are rude b/c they are just oblivious (try hanging out at MIT and you will see what I mean, lol). There are all kinds of people in life, and honestly, you can't get too worked up that someone took a tone w/ your child that you don't like.

Would there have been "better" ways for the cashier to communicate this? Sure. I'm not disputing that.

But we live in the world we live in w/ the people that surround us, and we don't always get to pick those people.

Plus, you even said that your child didn't bat an eye, it was *you* who was bothered. I think you're going to have to let it go.


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## karina5 (Apr 15, 2006)

Oops, hit reply too soon

On another note, what's up w/ not believing in saying "no" to a child?? I mean, we certainly use redirection, and frame things positively when we can, but I don't get how it's a bad word to use in most circumstances.

I mean, "no" is a fact of life. It's not a dirty word, and we all hear it.

I just have never understood the mindset of "we don't believe in saying no to our child" and so hoping you can help me understand it.


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## bellymama (Apr 15, 2007)

yup, i don't get the no "no" ever thing either. i get not saying it constantly and every single time you needs a child to not do something, but to eradicate it completely seems extreme to me. i like the word no.


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

This may be carrying the thread further afield than OP wanted, but I feel so strongly that there does need to be some sort of "village" concept at work in the rearing of our children. I do not want to teach my daughter to *fear the stranger* (this way of thinking has cost our country SO much). I do want her to learn to be aware of her surroundings, be aware of differences, be willing to adapt to others' needs for space or boundaries or "rules" or whatever. I may be naive, though I am not a young mother, but I think that we can trust our kids to kind of navigate their own world in response to other people's admonishments (particularly the ones that are clearly from a good hearted place). That's not to say that I would allow anyone to speak unkindly to my daughter (god help them!), but I generally try to encourage as many people as possible to be in her life as instructors. I think she'll be better equipped to deal with real people that way.

As far as the OP's particular situation and question, I think I'd probably just say something kind of witty but NOT sarcastic, like, "Mommy's gonna get those adventurous hands. You gimme those hands, gimme those hands . . . . blah blah blah" and basically ignore the cashier. It's kind of like how you treat a kid who's hit another kid - conspicuously comfort the victim so that the "perp" understands that their behavior isn't going to be rewarded with any positive reinforcement.


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## dflanag2 (Oct 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *kalkiwendy* 
This may be carrying the thread further afield than OP wanted, but I feel so strongly that there does need to be some sort of "village" concept at work in the rearing of our children. I do not want to teach my daughter to *fear the stranger* (this way of thinking has cost our country SO much). I do want her to learn to be aware of her surroundings, be aware of differences, be willing to adapt to others' needs for space or boundaries or "rules" or whatever. I may be naive, though I am not a young mother, but I think that we can trust our kids to kind of navigate their own world in response to other people's admonishments (particularly the ones that are clearly from a good hearted place). That's not to say that I would allow anyone to speak unkindly to my daughter (god help them!), but I generally try to encourage as many people as possible to be in her life as instructors. I think she'll be better equipped to deal with real people that way.

Yes! I get a lot of flak from relatives who are Shocked that my DS will go up to people and start a conversation! He is almost 4 and extroverted, and he is closely supervised in public, so I'm actually glad when he meets a rude or creepy person so that he can learn from him impressions of them.

I'm in the pile with the Respectful tone to child. I talk to kids politely as I would to an adult. When we run into adults who demean/lecture/talk down to my kids, we deal with it politely as possible. This is so important to me that I have changed grocery lines during the pre-dinner rush with a full cart, a fussy 1 year old who wanted to nurse, and a 3 year old asking, "Why didn't the man want me to help him with the groceries, Mommy?" to avoid a cashier who was lecturing my son (probably in the same tone of voice his parents spoke to him, poor man). He was scolding DS for handing him groceries from the cart DS was sitting in. I paid for what he had rung up and moved to another (long line).

In response to DS questions, I told him it just wasn't a good fit in soft polite voice, and we debriefed further in the car after another (friendly) cashier allowed DS to 'help'. If I had said anything about the way the 1st cashier was treating DS (which I wasn't capable of doing politely enough at the time) I would have said, "Please don't lecture my son," or words to that effect.

naptime is over.


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## thefragile7393 (Jun 21, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *prothyraia* 
I dislike other people correcting my kids (with a few exceptions, people we know well).

However, if the babe/child is doing something that directly impacts another person (grabbing their purse, pulling their hair, touching that produce card) and I haven't prevented it or intervened immediately, I figure they have the right to...erm...protect their interests.

I take the same sort of approach with other people's children- I only "discipline" them if they are engaged directly with me/my son/my belongings.

This is me definitely, it's a big deal enough for the person to mention it...regardless if I think they are making a big deal out of nothing. I too am like the PP and try to forsee and re-direct before someone says something but that dosn't necessarily happen all the time. It sounds like your LO was none worse for the wear and it sounds like you handled it well.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I believe it takes a village. That is not to say i like the views of everyone in this village (actually it's a city) but this is not only the village i am raising her in, but the one she will have to LIVE in once she's raised. It seems unfair to me to protect her from the reality of her village and then expect her to survive in it. JMO.

I think there are lines. If DD pushes another child at toddler group and i don't get there first i am grateful if another person corrects her. But i would not support them smacking her or touching her coldly (like grabbing, rather than picking up when she's fallen down). In that case i would say "Please do not touch my child" and remove us both to calm down. Upon return however, i would still make sure she apologised for the behaviour that instigated the whole thing, and discuss with the other adult why i felt their response was over-blown. If she is corrected verbally and becomes upset (has happened once) i allow her to apologise to the wronged child and then take her off for a cuddle and some reassurance and let her know that the person who upset her didn't mean to, they were worried about their baby, who she'd pushed down, but since she said sorry EVERYONE knew she'd not meant it, and no one was mad.

Sometimes in life people can be very abrupt, harsh even, simply because they're being thoughtless. I believe in raising DD gently, but i want her to have a thick enough skin that she won't dwell upon such exchanges any more than the other person. Emotional resilience is probably one of the most important things life has to teach us (and ISN'T life easier when we have some!?) so i wouldn't worry too mcuh about such experiences, instead welcoming them as opportunities to teach DD how life can work and how we can work our way through.


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## AndVeeGeeMakes3 (Mar 16, 2007)

One addition to the "village" point: I also feel such a deep connection to parents who are "doing it right" out there in the world. And by "doing it right," I don't necessarily mean a/p or whatever - just people _engaging_ with their kids and/or mine! It restores my faith to see someone willing to risk caring for my child enough to protect her, correct her, redirect her, or whatever. Seriously, how rare is that these days, when people are so afraid to speak to, touch, even look at, a child because of the awful things in our world? What a relief to share a _love_ for kids - even with someone who's ideas about discipline might be a bit different! There's joy in building communication and relationships with people of *all* kinds - *that's* what I'd like to teach my daughter about WAY more than "no" or not "no." *Modeling* kindness and gentleness with people who aren't in our family is _way_ more productive, in terms of teaching her how to live, than explaining away people's rude behavior. KWIM?

And, I should say in the interest of full disclosure, my dd is a special needs kiddo, who likes to "run." Because of that, we get A LOT of input (she's largely nonverbal). I don't expect people to "help" me with her, but feel so grateful when they do (and, because of the trach that she had until a short while ago, she causes quite a pause for lots of people). Perhaps my perspective is skewed from being the mother of someone who so many are afraid of (the stranger can also come in the form of a person with special needs), but I think that the more open we teach our children to be, the better.


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## PennyRoo (Dec 7, 2004)

Very interesting thread!

To a degree I agree with many previous posters who said "that's life" and that the cashier was asserting her boundaries around "her stuff" -- but I also hear you loud and clear, OP - it bothers me a good deal when people intervene when it comes to my DD (who is shy and generally inredibly "well behaved" in public).

I do distinguish between "boundary" interventions - - which rarely happen, since she is not an extrovert and tends to be very gentle with others - - and "discipline" interventions, and while I understand when the latter occur, the former really rub me the wrong way.

DD, for example, has a number of sensory issues, one of which is that she is not sensitive to cold like the rest of us. Any parent of a kid with sensory issues will get me when I say it is impossible to try to force additional clothing on her. I always carry an extra jacket/sweater, whatever, for her just in case, but you would be amazed at how frequently complete strangers berate her (it seems to happen in particular in the check out line of the grocery store) and tell her she needs to put a coat/sweater on. I usually interject with a pleasant smile and a "Thanks, but that's my job" or "Thanks, but we've got it under control."

I try not to let DD see that it bothers me (since I think my words make it clear that the intervention is unwelcome), unless someone uses a disrespectful tone with her. If that's the case, she and I have a conversation about it later.

I am certainly overprotective in many ways when it comes to DD, but I have to say, once I had a child it was a very unwelcome surprise to see how many complete strangers feel compelled to weigh in on child raising techniques. (Heck, I guess it begins when we are pregnant - I had a stranger tell me my iced coffee was bad for the baby the other day!)


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I try to stay on top of things so that there isn't a need for other people to tell my child off. I gently enforce personal property and boundary rules and noise rules in public before something happens. If it isn't something that affects the person at all, like how she is dressed or something she says to me then I will say something about it being okay for our family.


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## Isamama (May 2, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Roar* 
I think it is really easy for parents to have overblown protective instincts and think their kids are FAR more fragile than they really are. I totally understand why you don't want "no" to be the thing your kid hears every time they touch something. I totally get that you can have a more positive and pleasant tone in your home by having other ways of addressing most problems than by saying "no". I also think though that it isn't like the cashier screamed at the kid or hit the kid. It is quite possible for a baby or child to go out in the world and not everyone will have as sunny and perfectly Mary Poppins way of interacting and really it won't affect the kid even a tiny little bit. One of the best gifts you can give your kid is to NOT over react about this sort of thing. To do so is to promote a kind of anxiety and insecurity about their place in the world. I'd rather get the idea going that if people are less than sunny that really isn't about us. Maybe they don't have experience with toddlers, maybe they just cleaned up a giant spill on aisle three from another kid, maybe they were out of coffee this morning. That's life, don't give it too much energy.


ITA. I could go on but, Roar said it really well.


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## Scribe (Feb 12, 2007)

As a non-mom, looking at this from the perspective of the "stranger," it's frustrating. I certainly don't want to be mean to anyone's kid, or step on anyone's parenting toes, but I've had kids behave in ways in public--towards me or my property--that were totally not OK and had their parents either think it's cute or be mad at me for correcting them. The best example is the kid sitting behind you on a plane kicking the back of your seat. It's not OK for the kid to do that, and you need to stop him/her. If you don't, then yeah, I think it's within my rights to ask him/her to stop myself.


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## nextcommercial (Nov 8, 2005)

Maybe it's how I read it, but I don't think this particular lady did anything wrong.

I have, and will continue to correct other people's kids, when the parents wont. Sometimes, if it really doesn't affect me, and it won't hurt them, I don't care. But, if it's my stuff they are messing with, I will say something.

A few weeks ago, I had a six year old girl lift her feet and swing while hanging on to the door knob of my front screen door. I said something. I don't really care if Mom was offended, she should have said it before me. I shouldn't have had to say that.

This morning, I said something to a little boy who's mom was distracted. He was standing up in the front baby basket of the shopping cart. Mom had two carts full of groceries, and she was unloading, but this little boy was standing, and reaching over for a toy phone at the checkout counter. So, I politely told him to sit down. One yank of the cart, and he was going over on his head. Mom was thankful that I said something to him.


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## uptowngirl (Jun 9, 2008)

I had a "non-mom" correct my kids the other day (asked them not to run up the stairs to her bedroom) and while I bristled a little, she was right. I was headed their direction to direct them to come back down, but she was closer and asked them to come back (politely). I also realized that as a non-mom (and moms with grown kids can be similar), are just not quite as flexible sometimes. Sometimes they panic more quickly; or they have tighter boundaries. When you're in the throws of parenting toddlers, you know that most things can be fixed...and you are grateful if someone stops your child from hurting himself. That being said, there is a way to do it---and courtesy is VERY important, no matter what.

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that this produce code sheet was in reach of a child? I"m sure yours wasn't the only one to reach for it. They should move it if it's a problem, really.


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## gabysmom617 (Nov 26, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *uptowngirl* 
Is anyone else bothered by the fact that this produce code sheet was in reach of a child? I"m sure yours wasn't the only one to reach for it. They should move it if it's a problem, really.

When I was cashiering, *everything* was in reach of a child. Particularly such things as the ATM key pad as well as other stashes of reference papers and such things, sitting kind of up behind the register. It was like that in a couple of places that I worked.

I noticed at *the place which must not be named* the cash register is closer to the customers in than in most stores...hm...come to think of it, it was like that in Food Lion too. If you are stashing produce cards or what not papers behind the register, it would be very easy for a baby sitting in a cart or some one who's holding a baby for a baby to reach over and snatch stuff...and that has happenned to me before.

Most registers where I worked don't have a lot of options as far as space to stash necessary odds and ends at.


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

People are welcome to give my child their opinion about how something affects them personally. Stop tearing up the flowers. I don't allow food in the livingroom, take it to the dining room please. This is how my children learn normative behavior.

I know it is tempting when you have your first child to think you will have your eyes on your child 100 percent of the time, but if you have more than one you will find this difficult particularly if you don't force them to spend most waking hours strapped into a stroller. So they will get advice from time to time from other people who will see them breaking some societal rules first.


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## nikag (Sep 19, 2007)

Reading the original post, I didn't make the assumption that the cashier was attempting to discipline the child, usurp mom's rights to her parenting choices, or take authority where she had no right to. Seems like a lofty conclusion to come to in...maybe...10 seconds? About someone who is in a situation (at work - not at home or at play) where they are expected to behave to someone else's standards, where their livelihood depends on it.

Instead, I made the assumption that a) she was probably less than sweet because she is busy and is expected to be quick and professional and b) she could quite possibly have been trying to protect the kid, rather than reprimand him...since she'd no doubt been handling money all day (ewwww), while also handling the produce sheet.

As for the philosophical implications of the situation...I wholeheartedly agree with those who said that the most affect something like this situation would have on the kid's greater social development, would be to make him aware of other people's personal boundaries. Also, with reassurance from people he trusts (mom and dad) that hearing 'no' is not intended to hurt him or hurt his feelings, he will hopefully learn the _importance_ of respecting other people's boundaries.


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## kimiij (Jun 18, 2006)

I don't think the cashier did anything wrong. If someone's child was touching something of mine that I felt was inappropriate then I wouldn't hesitate to tell them stop. The thing is, the need for a stranger to "correct' a child mostly occurs if the parent is not watching her child or doesn't think its a big deal for the child to be touching whatever she's touching.


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## NotJune (Jun 9, 2008)

The child in question here is ELEVEN MONTHS old. It is not developmentally appropriate practice to "correct" a baby. The only thing that is appropriate is redirection and, my personal favorite, distraction! You cannot "establish boundaries" with a baby because a baby cannot understand such an abstraction. As a parent, of course you want to protect your INFANT. The only thing she needs to be dealing with in the real world is how to master her sippy cup.







It seems to me the cashier was out of line and that your philosophy of raising your baby is right on. I agree with the pp who suggested that if you had been touching the card, she probably would never have thought of saying anything. Creating a yes environment is the order of the day not being brisk and saying no. However, I think you handled it right by not responding because your baby was already naturally distracted by the environment. I also live in a town that is conservative and people truly believe here children should be seen and not heard while hands that touch things should be smacked hard enough to "smart."







From what I gleaned of your story this was her kind of child rearing. Ugh.







I try to take those as "teaching moments." I explain that if there is a problem, they can let me know about it and I will handle it because I am the mother. Then, I model an appropriate way to interact with a child. When people interact in a positive way with my kids that is age appropriate, I have no problem with the village philosophy.


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## NotJune (Jun 9, 2008)

.


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## Evan&Anna's_Mom (Jun 12, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *NotJune* 
The child in question here is ELEVEN MONTHS old. It is not developmentally appropriate practice to "correct" a baby.

That's true, but the OP said she was interested in a more philosophical discussion about the concept of strangers correcting a child and looking into the future, so I think most of the comments here have been in that vein. But you are right, for a baby, the only thing you can do is to distract the ADULT from interacting with the baby.


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## NotJune (Jun 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Evan&Anna's_Mom* 
That's true, but the OP said she was interested in a more philosophical discussion about the concept of strangers correcting a child and looking into the future, so I think most of the comments here have been in that vein. But you are right, for a baby, the only thing you can do is to distract the ADULT from interacting with the baby.

Right. My philosophy is developmentally appropriate practice so something different would be reasonable depending upon the age of the child. Ideas such as talking to children after the fact, etc. are good for older children. For babies -- yeah distract the ADULT! Ha. But even better, teach them a better way!


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## eepster (Sep 20, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *warriorprincess* 
It depends- both tone and who is doing it. I'll be more open to a store employee correcting my child becasue it's their job to protect the store's interests. If my child is acting contrary to the store's interests the clerk may need to stop them.

Having worked retail this really is true. The reality is as our children grow and become more independent they will find themselve interacting directly with nonparent authorities more and more.

At 11 mo it may start with "please don't touch."
At 3 yo it might progress to "oh honey, that looks dangerous."
At 7 yo they may start hear "HEY, where is you mother."

Hopefully by this time they have learned to follow societies rules b/c

At 14 yo it swings into "Get out of here before I call the cops."
And finally at 18 yo it become "Your under arrest; you have the right to remain silent....."

Ok I admit to some exageration here, but my point in it is that individual people are part of society. We all, including our children, have a right to protect ourselves and our property.

Your LO has just as much right to say "no, no don't touch Mr Snuggles my teddybear," as a cashier has to say "no, no please don't touch my produce card."


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *eepster* 
Your LO has just as much right to say "no, no don't touch Mr Snuggles my teddybear," as a cashier has to say "no, no please don't touch my produce card."

Agreed..but the cashier didn't do that. From the OP: "The cashier moved the card swiftly and said "No, no, you can't touch that!" " in a brisk tone.

If she had kindly said, Whoops, that's mine, my sense is that the OP wouldn't have had a problem with that.

It takes a village does not give strangers leave to be unkind.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

One man's unkind is another's perfectly reasonable. She didn't call the child names, say they were bad or otherwise abuse them. She that no, no, the child couldn't touch that, and then she moved it to illustrate the point.

Honestly i think "protect your baby" and strangers being "unkind" is a very extreme reaction. Protection from the facts of the current reality? The unkindness of fact?


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## katie&micah (May 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *McMomma* 

This made me wonder how I ought to handle this in the future as ds gets bigger and will notice such interactions more than the one today. *How do you feel and what do you do when strangers or people you do not know well "discipline" your kiddos?* Now, we are very counterculteral in our little town but I imagine a lot of MDCers are counterculteral, *so what do you say when their treatment of your child is way out of line with your philosophy (and it is unlikely they will get it)?*

(bolding is mine)

I know it's really easy for threads to get off topic, but WOW! The OP asked for advice on what to say when someone disciplines her child in a way that she doesn't uncomfortable with. She didn't ask for opinions on whether she should be annoyed with this particular situation. I've been following along and was hoping for some great advice from other mother's out there on how to handle these delicate situations. There were several posters who offered some constructive advice, but for the most part this thread has been a debate on the validity of the OP's feelings. Does anyone else have something to add that pertains to the questions originally asked?? I sure hope so. I'm often too stunned to say something in these situations and I'd love to have something ready that is non-confrontational, but get's the point across.


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## NotJune (Jun 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoBecGo* 
One man's unkind is another's perfectly reasonable. She didn't call the child names, say they were bad or otherwise abuse them. She that no, no, the child couldn't touch that, and then she moved it to illustrate the point.

Honestly i think "protect your baby" and strangers being "unkind" is a very extreme reaction. Protection from the facts of the current reality? The unkindness of fact?


I don't understand why inforcing developmentally appropriate practice with one's own child is extreme...


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

I guess i don't see why a baby needs to be protected from being told "no no you can't touch that" when the reality is they can't touch that. Developmentally inappropriate things aren't useful educationally perhaps, he wouldn't probably touch the cards again given the opportunity, but in this case what is there to protect the baby from? He wasn't struck or harmed, he wasn't yelled at or upset. He was told very neutrally (rather than kindly, nicely or sweetly) a fact of his situation. If you have to "protect" a baby because of this what would you do if i shook hands with him? Rugby tackle me? That's not developmentally appropriate but it's not going to damage him!

Part of me wonders if all this insistence that everyone treats our children exactly the way we prescribe results in precious children who want endless deep understanding from strangers but don't extend any back. Maybe the teller had a crappy day, maybe the kid before the OP's hurt their fingers on a piece of her equipment and she'd been reprimanded for it. Maybe she'd just found out her mom had cancer, i've no idea. What happened to the benefit of the doubt?

Ultimately it's good to know where YOU the biggest influence on your kid's life and character, want to go with your parenting. But assuming that everyone will act how you act and being annoyed when they don't is going to mean you're annoyed most of the time.


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## katie&micah (May 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoBecGo* 
I guess i don't see why a baby needs to be protected from being told "no no you can't touch that" when the reality is they can't touch that. Developmentally inappropriate things aren't useful educationally perhaps, he wouldn't probably touch the cards again given the opportunity, but in this case what is there to protect the baby from? He wasn't struck or harmed, he wasn't yelled at or upset. He was told very neutrally (rather than kindly, nicely or sweetly) a fact of his situation. If you have to "protect" a baby because of this what would you do if i shook hands with him? Rugby tackle me? That's not developmentally appropriate but it's not going to damage him!

Part of me wonders if all this insistence that everyone treats our children exactly the way we prescribe results in precious children who want endless deep understanding from strangers but don't extend any back. Maybe the teller had a crappy day, maybe the kid before the OP's hurt their fingers on a piece of her equipment and she'd been reprimanded for it. Maybe she'd just found out her mom had cancer, i've no idea. What happened to the benefit of the doubt?

Ultimately it's good to know where YOU the biggest influence on your kid's life and character, want to go with your parenting. *But assuming that everyone will act how you act and being annoyed when they don't is going to mean you're annoyed most of the time.*

(bolding is mine)

I can't speak for the OP, but it seems that the issue is not this particular situation. The issue is what do you do *in general* when someone disciplines your child in a way you aren't ok with? Whether that be spanking, hand slapping, yelling.. whatever. What do you say so that the person understands you don't appreciate what they've done, but at the same time not start a huge confrontation?? Anyone??


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## heatherweh (Nov 29, 2007)

I haven't really experienced this mostly because I am always right there with DS.

I've said things to OPKs though out of concern for them or others when their parents are no where to be found.

I asked one lady's son to take his giant rain boots off in the play area at Chic-fil-a because he was obviously bound to step on someone's fingers or toes or kick someone coming down the slide. When we were leaving his mom asked me if there was a problem- um yes that you weren't supervising your kid and now have the gall to say something to me when you were too lazy to get up and see what was going on as it was happening. I'd rather sit on the sidelines and pretend to be childless too.


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## Nekawa Ma (Jul 28, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *katie&micah* 
What do you say so that the person understands you don't appreciate what they've done, but at the same time not start a huge confrontation?? Anyone??

I suppose in this situation I would speak to the cashier as though it were I who had touched her card and had been told "no." I would apologize briefly, "Oh, I'm sorry! My mistake." and move on with the business of purchasing my groceries. This acknowledges to the cashier that a boundary was crossed, models socially acceptable behavior to the baby, and puts immediate closure on the incident so nobody has to dwell on it later.


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## 5in9years (Nov 18, 2005)

If my child is crossing someone else's boundaries, that person has a right to say something. Anything more than a verbal request to stop the behavior should go through me, period. Spanking, hand slapping or yelling at OPK are not okay. If any of those occurred, I would intervene immediately, ask for an explanation of what was happening, and say "I'm sorry. I'll take care of it." And then I would.


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