# Do I just get over it?



## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

I had posted a while back about my parents not really going by the list that I give them as far as gifts go for DS for Christmas - they ask for a list and I provide it. I'm really trying to eliminate the amount of plastic toys that he gets, so on his list are wood puzzles, board games, a wooden tool bench set and a set of 200 wood blocks in different shapes.

Again - my mother sends me a picture of a very flimsy, plastic tool bench set made by Home Depot that she saw at TRU. It got poor reviews and was over priced. She liked it because it made a ton of sounds and lite up. While that would be great and I'm sure he'd enjoy it, I would rather find something of better quality that is going to last longer than a month! Then she told me that she got him Legos and a board for him to build on. Again, not on the list and they're plastic.

Do I just get over this and let them get what they want to get for him? I guess I'm just not understanding her reasoning behind all of this. None of this costs any more than the other thing, so money isn't an issue. I'm confused and frustrated and I guess I will do my part in making sure that what he gets is fun and educational, I'd also like to do my part in making sure it's eco-friendly as well.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

The short answer is: Take a deep breath and get over it.

The long answer is: Your mom is excited about the things she's finding. She thinks they're cool. She wants to share her joy in these toys with her grandson. So, this isn't about you or your wishes. It's about her and her wishes. The thing about gifts is: they're a GIFT. The giver is free to give what they want.

Now, since it sounds like she's running things by you, I'd suggest that you ask questions about these things -- Start with: "What does this toy do that you think is really cool?" That will give you a sense of what attracts your mom to certain things and might help you tailor future lists. It might also help her reflect as to what kinds of toys she's looking for and why.

If you've got a specific concern, raising it as question might be better: "have you read the reviews? What do you think?" "Did we have electronic toys when we were little? What was it like to have the noises going off a lot? " ("I'm worried I'm going to go crazy with the noise." would be something I'd add, but my family KNOWS I'm sound sensitive.)

Finally, I'm going to disagree about the Legos. Yes, they're plastic, but they are a wonderful, durable, open-ended, creative toy. I'd rather have a high quality toy, regardless of material. Two of my kids' favorite things are: Playmobil (plastic) and Bruder Trucks (plastic). Both have incredible play value.


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## Llyra (Jan 16, 2005)

I think you do have to get over it. I've been down this road with my own mom, and what I've found is that you just can't dictate what people give as gifts. I think the only courteous response to any gift is to politely thank the giver, no matter what you've been given. I want my kids to behave that way, when they're given something, so I have to model it.

I know how aggravating it can be, though, especially when they've ASKED you for suggestions.


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## Drummer's Wife (Jun 5, 2005)

Yeah, I think you just have to get over it. Chances are it won't last for very long, and then you can get rid of it. I might point out the bad reviews, if you think she sent you an email linking it to see what you think - not to just show it to you.

I'm sure your little one will love the legos and lego table -- plastic and all. I wouldn't remind her that they weren't on your wish list b/c it's something she thinks her grandchild will love. That's good enough reason right there.


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

Meh, get over it. And the micromanaging. Life is full of random experiences beyond our control, and it can lead to wonderful surprises. Some of the ickiest stuff people gave us for the kids - stuff that there's no way I would have ever chosen - ended up being their favourites for whatever reason.

Gifting is as much for the giver as for the recipient. Don't take that away from people, especially grandparents.


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

Find a picture of the one you want for your son...send it to her and say: "The one you picked out is nice, but I think this one is muchbetter because it's made of wood and it will last a long time. It might be something he can pass on to his own children someday."

I have to say this often but it always works and later after they see our child working with it, they are glad they bought it.


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## Boot (Jan 22, 2008)

If you were really excited for him to get a cool wooden work bench that would last forever then I understand your disappointment. If this was the case I suggest that you don't give your mum any of your best ideas in the future but just try to give her suggestions for toys that you're not too invested in. That way you won't be disappointed and you may be pleasantly surprised. Give him the really cool stuff yourself!


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## itsrtimedownhere (Jul 18, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momo7* 
Find a picture of the one you want for your son...send it to her and say: "The one you picked out is nice, but I think this one is muchbetter because it's made of wood and it will last a long time. It might be something he can pass on to his own children someday."

I have to say this often but it always works and later after they see our child working with it, they are glad they bought it.

i like this idea.


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## Storm Bride (Mar 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cascadian* 
Some of the ickiest stuff people gave us for the kids - stuff that there's no way I would have ever chosen - ended up being their favourites for whatever reason.

Yup. I have a relative who always gives the kids stuff that makes me cringe. And, without exception, my kids _love_ it. So, I just bite my tongue, say "thank you", and let the kids enjoy _their_ gifts.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Yep, you have to get over it. She gets to choose what gifts she buys.


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## Bug-a-Boo's Mama (Jan 15, 2008)

Legos, while plastic (assuming you don't want anything plastic) are a great toy. Very good for imaginative play. The Home Depot brand tools. If that is what she wants to buy, then I would ask her to make sure that it has lots of individual pieces-again for better imaginative play and each piece doesn't do one thing (like the frickin Handy Manny tool bench!







).

I think that as long as the toys she is choosing to buy allow plenty of diverse play, all is good. My new pet peeve is toys that you can only do one specific thing with...like the Handy Manny ones that K is coveting right now. I just don't see the point in something that doesn't allow many play options.


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## EFmom (Mar 16, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cascadian* 
Meh, get over it. And the micromanaging. Life is full of random experiences beyond our control, and it can lead to wonderful surprises. Some of the ickiest stuff people gave us for the kids - stuff that there's no way I would have ever chosen - ended up being their favourites for whatever reason.

Gifting is as much for the giver as for the recipient. Don't take that away from people, especially grandparents.

This.


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## Shera971 (Nov 26, 2008)

Yes, I agree with the other posters that you need to need to "get over it". I love the quote that "gifting is as much for the giver as for the recipient"

And I'd like to add another vote for the lego. It is a wonderful, creative, long lasting toy. In fact my in-laws still have a huge basket of it from when DH was a kid. The legos are over 30 years old and still going strong! And I would like to gently suggest that the OP looks at the toy and the value of it before dismissing it just because its plastic. There are some wonderful, imaginitive _plastic_ toys out there. Just because a toy is made from wood doesn't mean that its taken from a sustainable source, is chemical free or has safe paint on it.


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## terrabella (Oct 19, 2005)

♥


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## Tigerchild (Dec 2, 2001)

Well, there's no harm in asking for specific things, I guess. But once you know that those guidelines are going to be interpreted broadly then frankly, yeah, you get over it. Even though you ARE the parent, you actually don't get to control everyone else around your child. If there's something totally horrible, then just get rid of it later or don't allow it in. Otherwise, shrug it off.

I think maybe what your mom seems to want as far as a "list" goes and what you have interpreted it has are way different. Looks like she is more going with general ideas of stuff, interests, ect--while you come up with specific things and then get annoyed when those specific things aren't given. Understandable miscommunication there. So in the future, when she asks you for the list, keep that in mind, and just outline what DS's interests are, not specific items. It should save you the disappointment when she picks something in the same category but not the specific.

And I totally agree with others--don't give her all the good ideas. You keep the best ideas you come up with for yourself!!! It'd be different if your mom really wanted a specific make and model type of wishlist or your total direction in what she gives. (Some people are like that.) It's obvious your mom is NOT that type of person though.

I think you should first and foremost be realistic when it comes to gift giving by others. You know their pattern, so why beat your head against a wall by thinking that finally they'll change? All that does is make tons of stress and negativity for yourself, while it tends to go right over the head of the person who your ire is directed at (or they enjoy you beating your head against the wall--in which case why give them the satisfaction?).

Don't mention the list. That's kind of rude. And I bet it would be ignored anyway.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I would have probably redirected someone over a light up bench if they asked me.









If she asks for a list why doesn't she pay attention to it? Is she having trouble finding things? Could you maybe list where to find things in addition to what they might like?

You could have some natural toy companies send catalogs to her house.


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
Yep, you have to get over it. She gets to choose what gifts she buys.

I agree with this 100% the whole idea of buying and giving gifts is that you pick the ones out you want them to have. If someone asks for a suggestion then by all means share that but telling people they cant buy something is actually rude IMO.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

I do think it is reasonable to have some say in what goes into your house. It isn't someone else's house, it is YOUR house and no, people can't just buy whatever for your kids and have it be ok.

I am an adult and I expect my parents and dh's parents to recognize that I am the parent here. Just doing whatever they want despite my wishes wouldn't be acceptable.

I don't allow certain toys and my ILs and my parents haven't gotten my kids those toys. If they did I would remind them that I don't allow those kind of toys. I wouldn't allow my child to have them.

I wouldn't make legos a hill to die on but it isn't irrational to have certain expectations, particularly when they ASK for a list.

It can be difficult to train the grandparents but it can be done.







You just have to pick your battles. I would be ok with legos but NNOOTT the bench.


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## NettleTea (Aug 16, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momo7* 
Find a picture of the one you want for your son...send it to her and say: "The one you picked out is nice, but I think this one is muchbetter because it's made of wood and it will last a long time. It might be something he can pass on to his own children someday."


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
I do think it is reasonable to have some say in what goes into your house. It isn't someone else's house, it is YOUR house and no, people can't just buy whatever for your kids and have it be ok.

I am an adult and I expect my parents and dh's parents to recognize that I am the parent here. Just doing whatever they want despite my wishes wouldn't be acceptable.

I don't allow certain toys and my ILs and my parents haven't gotten my kids those toys. If they did I would remind them that I don't allow those kind of toys. I wouldn't allow my child to have them.

I wouldn't make legos a hill to die on but it isn't irrational to have certain expectations. I also have rules about clothing, what movies my kid watches and what music she listens to.

It can be difficult to train the grandparents but it can be done.







You just have to pick your battles. I would be ok with legos but NNOOTT the bench.

I can see what you are saying. But I could never tell my parents or il's that a gift they picked out was not something I would let my kids have it would hurt them to much. I would accept the gift then in the future it would be in the donated toys pile.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *MCatLvrMom2A&X* 
I can see what you are saying. But I could never tell my parents or il's that a gift they picked out was not something I would let my kids have it would hurt them to much. I would accept the gift then in the future it would be in the donated toys pile.

I would.

They already know what the rules are







I don't allow toy guns, I don't allow Bratz, I don't allow insane crap (like light up singing benches







) they haven't ever left the boundaries of what I consider reasonable. We do have a couple light up toys but not what I consider an excess.

And with my sisters we'll just get even with each other so we tend to make an effort with nieces and nephews.

There is a workshop going on for Toys and Family Values

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1137549


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## dogretro (Jun 17, 2008)

I think it's weird when people specifically ASK for a list and then do not follow it. And I dont mean like your list said a stuffed dog & they bought something vastly different like a book, but like it said stuffed dog and they bought a wooden one. That is too much work, give me a list!!

I am definitely picky about plastic toys, toys made in China, etc. If the plastic bench got bad reviews, it is easy to approach it as a, "Mom, dont waste your money, the reviews said it sucked. I would hate to see it cost so much and break in a month. It does look cool, too bad it is not made better."

I do think it is a balance of giving the gift-giver freedom and you not having to allow certain things in your house. If you do not like electronic toys (I dont, so we have only two, one being a keyboard), say that. Explain that although they look cool, they limit a child's imagination and the noise would drive you nuts. The main thing, to me, in your situation, is that your mother asked for a list and then sent you a picture, pretty much asking if that toy was okay. That is way different than if she just showed up w/ it. Since she is asking if the toy is okay, you can say no.


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## Jackies Ladybug (Jun 19, 2008)

i have had this same problem with my mother a few times.
now that she knows i am serious when i say any toys that contain batteries go to the womens shelter she buys what i like, or includes a gift reciept!

i would just kindly tell her your view on plastic and how plastic toys go off to live a wonderful life with a new family that will allow them in their home.
if she still ignores you then she cant really get upset next visit when they are gone.

maybe point her to a specific toy brand but not a specific toy since it seems like she really wants to pick the gifts herself.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

And I don't think it is a matter of "It must be wooden fashioned by magical gnomes with red beards in a purple forest at twilight!!!one11"

There are toy that promote imaginative play, are more sustainable and better made. It is ok to want LESS and have it be a bit nicer than a bunch of junk that costs the same amount anyways.

I certainly don't want to spend a lot of time picking up crap and I am sure a lot of other parents feel the same way.

It is ok to ask for things that might last a bit longer, it is ok to ask for things that match your values and it is ok to direct those that ASK towards those things.


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## dollyanna (Jan 29, 2008)

Yeah. My mom got my DD a ton of light-up, noisy, unimaginative stuff for x-mas last year (she was like, 6 months old), and a set of videos for her one year birthday. I was polite, but she has since asked me what toys she plays the most with & if I have watched the videos, & I have not lied. But in a polite way


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dogretro* 
I think it's weird when people specifically ASK for a list and then do not follow it.

I do this for registries (weddings, birth ones) and feel like I'm being creative and putting more thought into it...









I always include a gift receipt.


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## dogretro (Jun 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cascadian* 
I do this for registries (weddings, birth ones) and feel like I'm being creative and putting more thought into it...









I always include a gift receipt.

I do not think it is a big deal at all if you are giving something *different* than what is on the list. For example, my grandmother had a wedding registry from someone and was going to buy their spice rack, but saw another one that SHE liked better and went to buy that one instead. My mom stopped her and said that was not the one they picked out, they obviously like the one on THEIR list better. Now, had my grandmother decided to buy them something that was totally not on the list, that is different. To buy a variation of what is on the list is too tricky, imo. Like if they wanted the rainforest bouncy seat but you bought them the rubber ducks one instead. It won't match the rest of their stuff, ykwim? Plus, you didn't ASK for a gift registry, they just gave you one. So, uhh, I don't think you are doing anything "wrong" if that is what you mean









I like to include gift receipts, too, even if I *am* buying from a list! You never know, sometimes things do not get marked off (dang technology!). Or it could be broken, not fit, etc.


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## MissMaegie'sMama (Jul 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dogretro* 
If the plastic bench got bad reviews, it is easy to approach it as a, "Mom, dont waste your money, the reviews said it sucked. I would hate to see it cost so much and break in a month. It does look cool, too bad it is not made better."

This, for sure. Tactful, yet to the point.


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## honey-lilac (Jun 30, 2009)

I approach the list another way. My mom does the same thing, always asks for a list... so I give her a LIST of online stores that I wouldn't mind the kids getting things from. I don't care what she chooses off of there. So she gets to pick and choose, and it's always a HAPPY surprise whatever the kids get.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Kaleanani* 
I approach the list another way. My mom does the same thing, always asks for a list... so I give her a LIST of online stores that I wouldn't mind the kids getting things from. I don't care what she chooses off of there. So she gets to pick and choose, and it's always a HAPPY surprise whatever the kids get.

I think that is a great alternative.


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## BabyMae09 (Sep 19, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Bug-a-Boo's Mama* 
for better imaginative play and each piece doesn't do one thing (like the frickin Handy Manny tool bench!







).

You know what really sucks about Handy Manny?He's a rip-off of Bob the Builder (PBS) done by DISNEY and instead of building solar-powered houses, etc, like Bob does, Manny goes around fixing drive-through voice boxes







how low can Disney sink?


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## BunniMummi (Jan 28, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BabyMae09* 
You know what really sucks about Handy Manny?He's a rip-off of Bob the Builder (PBS) done by DISNEY and instead of building solar-powered houses, etc, like Bob does, Manny goes around fixing drive-through voice boxes







how low can Disney sink?

Not to go off on a totally separate Handy Manny thing here, but it's funny that outside the US when they do the dubbing he ends up teaching kids English not Spanish. I find that mildly amusing when my kids are watching.







I actually prefer to have the playhouse disney channel on over here because it doesn't have commercials for anything but it's own shows.

Anyway, I think a lot of people use gift lists more as inspiration for what sorts of things the kids want and not as a strict wedding registry type list. Also people who are head over heels for kids often have a hard time holding back when they see something they think the kid might like. My mother can spend the morning on the phone with me worrying about the paint and plastics used in cheap toys. Then go to the post office and send off a box that will inevitably contain a half dozen small plastic dollar store quality toys with a lifespan of about 15 minutes. It hasn't stopped driving me crazy but I appreciate the thought and try not to say much about it, her mind is in the right place but her heart is driving her wallet.


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## Munchkinmaker (Jun 8, 2005)

Quote:

Definitions of gift on the Web:

* *something acquired without compensation*
* endow: give qualities or abilities to
* give: give as a present; make a gift of; "What will you give her for her birthday?"
* giving: the act of giving
When it gets right down to it, you're not arranging a a payment or some kind of transaction. This is a gift. You can suggest things but it gets down to the fact that your mom should be able to use her judgment and give what she feels would make her grandchild happy & what will make her happy to give. No matter what she gives you should say thank you and be gracious. Toys are far from permanent. I know, I've been dealing with them for the last 10 years LOL! But your relationship and your child's relationship with your mom is permanent. The toy will likely be broken and gone before you know it, let your mom feel the joy of giving to her grandchild minus stress and restrictions.


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## Linda on the move (Jun 15, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *dogretro* 
I do think it is a balance of giving the gift-giver freedom and you not having to allow certain things in your house. If you do not like electronic toys (I dont, so we have only two, one being a keyboard), say that.

I agree that it's a balance. You do have some say in what is allowed in your home. However, other people can buy GIFTS if they want. Gifts are gifts. They aren't things you are ordering.

I think that Lego are one of the best toys of all time. Because you don't want Lego in your house, I tend to think that you've gone completely overboard and lost sight of what's important. If you don't want your mom to buy open ended toys that your kids will love, play with for endless hours, and last for years, then you've gone too far.

Saying no guns, nothing overly noises, etc. is a different issue.


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## ChristyMarie (May 31, 2006)

Eh, as long as it isn't dangerous, a duplicate, and can fit in your house nicely I wouldn't worry too much. When the cheap one breaks, replace it with a better one and when she asks, explain why. If she sees things breaking quickly she may start listening to your advice.

I've been furious over two gifts from my MIL - a 10 foot long "coaster" and a play kitchen when he already HAS a play kitchen - neither of which she asked if they could fit in our house - which she's never been to.







Otherwise, I let it go.

BTW, we have the Home Depot work bench (was a gift) and it is kinda cool.







He has two wooden ones, wooden tools, etc - he loves the H.D. one because they look and sound more like the real ones Daddy uses. And while flimsy when compared to the wood ones, it hasn't broke yet - in fact, you use the toy bolts to put it together so I'm guessing that as he gets older part of the play will be taking it apart and putting it back together with his tools.


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## major_mama11 (Apr 13, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Storm Bride* 
Yup. I have a relative who always gives the kids stuff that makes me cringe. And, without exception, my kids _love_ it. So, I just bite my tongue, say "thank you", and let the kids enjoy _their_ gifts.









This has been my experience with annoying plastic toys as well. I was so dead-set on not having any plastic toys in my house, but that went out the window long ago. My kids either love them, or else I am able to quietly shift them out of the house to the thrift store a few months later. Either way, no big deal.


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## pjs (Mar 30, 2005)

Get over it, but hope she gives you gift receipts.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
I do think it is reasonable to have some say in what goes into your house. It isn't someone else's house, it is YOUR house and no, people can't just buy whatever for your kids and have it be ok.

.

I disagree. People CAN buy whatever they want. I don't have to keep it, however.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Munchkinmaker* 
When it gets right down to it, you're not arranging a a payment or some kind of transaction. This is a gift. You can suggest things but it gets down to the fact that your mom should be able to use her judgment and give what she feels would make her grandchild happy & what will make her happy to give. No matter what she gives you should say thank you and be gracious. Toys are far from permanent. I know, I've been dealing with them for the last 10 years LOL! But your relationship and your child's relationship with your mom is permanent. The toy will likely be broken and gone before you know it, let your mom feel the joy of giving to her grandchild minus stress and restrictions.

I agree 100%. It's also a great opportunity to model graciousness.


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## Bluegoat (Nov 30, 2008)

I tend to agree that gift giving is up to the giver, barring obviously immoral or dangerous toys.

But, since you were specifically asked about the bench, then some feedback is ok I think. Say the idea is great, but you are a bit concerned about the bad toy reviews.

I also think lego is a great, classic toy.


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## dogretro (Jun 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ChristyMarie* 
BTW, we have the Home Depot work bench (was a gift) and it is kinda cool.







He has two wooden ones, wooden tools, etc - he loves the H.D. one because they look and sound more like the real ones Daddy uses. And while flimsy when compared to the wood ones, it hasn't broke yet - in fact, you use the toy bolts to put it together so I'm guessing that as he gets older part of the play will be taking it apart and putting it back together with his tools.

That is good to know that it has more uses. Such a pain with all toys being boxed up or ordered online ~ you don't get to really see the toy, the size, is the plastic/wood/paint sturdy, etc.

I was also thinking that the bench could be played w/ on the porch or in the basement. Somewhere that it will still get used, but you don't have to look at or hear it all the time.

I figure I will control the toys while I can. DD has bins of new, unopened Legos waiting in the basement, an American Girl doll on her dresser, and a whole giant bin of My Little Ponies waiting in the attice









And I really do watch out for those buying us gifts. If something got a lot of bad reviews or I saw a recall or something, I tell them so that they do not waste their money. I tell people if something is expensive so they dont feel obligated to buy it. I would *hate* to see my mother spend $100 on something that broke a month later & it turns out it got a lot of bad reviews


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
I disagree. People CAN buy whatever they want. I don't have to keep it, however.

But if I am going to get rid of something I would tell them ahead of time. I don't know about other people, but my parents and ILs are not delicate flowers who will fall apart if I tell them something isn't allowed. I don't want people buying toys we won't keep.

My mom tried to give my ds peanut butter and I said, "NO PEANUT BUTTER!!!" It's the same thing.

Some plastic toys are ok, like legos or those nifty knight toys. IMO it is all about being reasonable and meeting in some sort of middle.


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## TiredX2 (Jan 7, 2002)

Based on what you requested and what your mom bought--- where the things you requested all on line and she went and bought something in a store?

For many people a big part of buying a gift is physically going and picking it out. It doesn't matter how many online catalogs you send--- they want to go to Target or Toys R Us and actually pick the gift out. So, if that could be the issue I would encourage you to go the the stores you know your mom is comfortable shopping at and looking there. They might not have the *exact* item you were looking at, but they do have a lot of things!

For example, if you request a tool bench on line, and the person goes shopping they might not know the most important part:
wood?
lots of parts?
looking real?

Based on what they *thought* they might make a different decision (I can totally see someone hearing "tools" and seeing a Home Depot thing and thinking "Yea, real tools!").

So, try to be both more specific and more broad. Like WOOD Work Bench.

Heck, we've sent links to the Inlaws to SPECIFIC books and they pick one like it--- really helpful when we say, "DS loves his Eric Carle books, there is THIS new one" and then they say, "Oh this one was so cute" (yes, it was, but he also alread had it







). You just have to let a lot go.


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## lolablitz (Oct 14, 2009)

What's so wrong with plastic? I get that wooden toys are in vogue right now, so if you're looking for toys that look cooler in your home, well...drop it.

Wooden toys are made from chemically-treated lumber and coated with resin (plastic) or paint (non-toxic chemical compound containing PVC-type elements). All of them. It's what keeps the wood from splintering in your kid's hands. I don't understand your issue with Legos either. My brother's are 30 y/o and still played with (unlike our wooden blocks which had to be tossed).


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## MCatLvrMom2A&X (Nov 18, 2004)

I am pretty sure the plastic ingredients are the issue. I dont have a problem with plastic myself but many do. The wooden toys they kids have are made by my dad I just dont care for wooden they can hurt to much when hit with them and they mildew easy with no real way to get it off


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## seaheroine (Dec 24, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
And I don't think it is a matter of "It must be wooden fashioned by magical gnomes with red beards in a purple forest at twilight!!!one11"











My MIL is _all_ about the bells and light-up whistles. Seriously, if something lights up and speaks in an ear-splitting voice, she is all over it!

I accept everything graciously, though she cannot understand our desire for toys that don't make sound. She's starting to come around. She's buying DD a Radio Flyer bouncy horse for Christmas and wanted to get the one that whinnied sooooo bad. It whinnies, makes three different hoofbeat patterns _and_ "eats" crunchy carrots.







I flat out said NO noisy horse - that DD can have the horse that simply bounces. She begged and pleaded and finally we agreed it she could buy the one she wanted and it would show up with no batteries installed...(haha, yeah right!)

I do wish people would respect general wishes when they ask for ideas. Usually it doesn't happen and I write thank you notes and either return stuff or donate the non-negotiables.

FTR, I love Playmobil! Luckily I talked MIL into its virtues over FP Little People.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
But if I am going to get rid of something I would tell them ahead of time. I don't know about other people, but my parents and ILs are not delicate flowers who will fall apart if I tell them something isn't allowed. I don't want people buying toys we won't keep.

My mom tried to give my ds peanut butter and I said, "NO PEANUT BUTTER!!!" It's the same thing.

Some plastic toys are ok, like legos or those nifty knight toys. IMO it is all about being reasonable and meeting in some sort of middle.

Well, if I yelled at my mom, "No peanut butter!" she'd probably be upset. My family doesn't like being yelled at. (Not that I never yell-- just something I avoid.) I'd have to think long and hard before I told her no PB. If it was an allergy issue, then of course (and I yell since it was an emergency). But beyond that . . .So, unless the no-plastic is a health issue, I can't see how it's the same thing.

When I was a first-time parent, I cared a lot more about these kinds of things. I had much more of a fearful attitude about so many issues--- you know, the kind of thinking that x, y, or z would somehow ruin my child. I have changed a lot, especially this last year, when we started unschooling. I see things very differently and moved away from a lot of black/white thinking. It has been very freeing, though I still have a long way to go.

The only thing I care about now re: toys is if my children will play with them. I cannot tell you how many gorgeous, amazing wooden toys they DON'T play with. So, if people ask (which I guess I'm lucky, since my mom generally does) I do tell them, but based strictly on what I think my kids want, not on what I want. My 4 yo is a total techie who wants an iPod (I don't even have one!) and a camera to make movies . . .so, that's what she's getting. I wasn't always like this. I read some quote on an unschooling board that said something along the lines of, "Playing with Barbies wouldn't damage me, but telling me that something I liked was wrong [Barbies] was damaging."


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## MG01 (Nov 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
I would have probably redirected someone over a light up bench if they asked me.










If she asks for a list why doesn't she pay attention to it? Is she having trouble finding things? Could you maybe list where to find things in addition to what they might like?

You could have some natural toy companies send catalogs to her house.









I actually think that is a good idea- sign her up for some natural toy catalogues, as many people simply are not exposed to more natural and safe toys on a day to day basis in our society, in stores or online or in catalogues, unless they know where to look. If she has some catalogues on hand, chances are she will browse them and find equally or more appealing toys there, and still feel like she is picking something out. I also agree with the poster who said in terms of being asked for a list, to list websites or companies and then allow them to pick from there-- the issue is not that the parent is requesting a very specific item and is rigidly adhering to that, which I can see would seem rude, but more that, as a parent, you have a right to prohibit certain things that you do not feel are healthy or safe for your family or that do not correspond to your values. If you can say- these are my child's general interests, and these are all catalogues/websites/companies that have a multitude of great options, the gift giver still has that joy of picking out something and feeling like they have a role in it, but they are also respecting your household and your role as parent. I understand the whole etiquette and not wanting to hurt feelings to a degree, but really-- this is about items that will be going in your house, that you and your children will be dealing with. And you can say, give it to the child and donate it later-- but why do that if you can be upfront instead? That way, the gift giver is not wasting their time and money, your child gets something special from them, and you don't have to go through the trauma of explaining to a child who may not be to the age of reasoning yet why you are taking away a toy- I think it's just like offering a child anything else- a trip somewhere, a snack-- it is NOT okay if you do not have the parent's consent and you are setting them up for disappointment or openly challenging the parental authority by proceeding when told the child cannot in fact have (insert item or activity here).

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
I do think it is reasonable to have some say in what goes into your house. It isn't someone else's house, it is YOUR house and no, people can't just buy whatever for your kids and have it be ok.

I am an adult and I expect my parents and dh's parents to recognize that I am the parent here. Just doing whatever they want despite my wishes wouldn't be acceptable.

I don't allow certain toys and my ILs and my parents haven't gotten my kids those toys. If they did I would remind them that I don't allow those kind of toys. I wouldn't allow my child to have them.

I wouldn't make legos a hill to die on but it isn't irrational to have certain expectations, particularly when they ASK for a list.

It can be difficult to train the grandparents but it can be done.







You just have to pick your battles. I would be ok with legos but NNOOTT the bench.


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## MG01 (Nov 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolablitz* 
What's so wrong with plastic? I get that wooden toys are in vogue right now, so if you're looking for toys that look cooler in your home, well...drop it.

Wooden toys are made from chemically-treated lumber and coated with resin (plastic) or paint (non-toxic chemical compound containing PVC-type elements). All of them. It's what keeps the wood from splintering in your kid's hands. I don't understand your issue with Legos either. My brother's are 30 y/o and still played with (unlike our wooden blocks which had to be tossed).

Sources, please?

Most high quality wooden toys that I have looked at and/or purchased are made to be non-toxic (though not all, some are certainly still the made in China, chemical treated crap- I would agree that just because it is wood does NOT necessarily mean that it is fairly or safely made) BUT the higher quality companies and retailers seem to be very aware of these issues and state when describing a product what it is treated with etc. Maybe I am naive for taking that at face value but I do trust a smaller, naturally focused toy company more than say Toys R Us.

Even if wooden toys had some or all of the same chems as plastic as you seem to be asserting (which I will not necessarily agree with based on my current knowledge, though again I would be interested in reading more if you have sources of this info), I would probably still prefer the wooden because plastics are often made from petroleum and other non-renewable resources and do not always use fair labor practices. Again, I don't know as much about this issue as some others do, and am always interested in learning more, but that is my take on it. (And on the flip side, I know there are plastics which are BPA free, made from cornstarch resin, etc. A friend got us a rattle made in this manner and I let my son play with it, I don't have a full-on "plastic ban" in my home, but I do try to be cautious-- that said, despite my efforts, my son puts everything in his mouth and makes random objects into toys, which he seems to prefer over actual toys most days lol- so instead of his nice wooden blocks he can usually be found attempting to eat my cell phone or chewing on a plastic tupperware- so yeah, I try to limit his exposure and would never choose to buy him -or request others to buy him- something plastic if there are higher quality and safer options available- stuffed wool or cotton toys, safe sustainably made wooden toys, etc. But I do agree that there needs to be some flexibility when dealing with a child. I know there will be more hurdles to navigate when my son is older and can ask for specific items or discuss these issues and we'll cross that bridge when we get there- but for now he's not even a year and I feel like, since 1) he is at the put-everything-in-the-mouth phase, and 2) I control what comes into our come, I am determined to make the available toys high quality and as safe as possible.

We live in a world sadly enough where babies receive toxins starting in utero and through breastmilk or formula, I realize I cannot protect my son from everything or anywhere close to it, but I do believe that high quality wooden toys are much safer than the majority of the plastic junk in terms of materials, chemicals, etc. That alone is reason enough. But I also want to instill certain values- that it is better to have fewer number of high quality toys and to give to others who don't have as much as we are blessed with (it's all relative, and even though we are considered low income as a single student parent, I want him to see that we choose not to have more than we need, and that there are others who are not as fortunate and we can help others as a part of our value system), that it is better to support independent/small business and ethical companies than questionable corporations, etc. So that is another reason.

Others take issue with many of today's plastic toys with lights, sounds, stimulation galore, believing that this could be damaging to a growing baby/toddler's brain development at worst, and obnoxious and unnecessary at best.

So I really do not think OP or others with such concerns are wanting their toys to look "trendy" or being nitpicky. Although I am a first time mom, and a couple mamas have said that as their kiddo gets older or as they have a second or third child, they relax certain rules or standards. Me, I try not to make most things absolutes, but I am assertive when it comes to my choices, because I parent the way I do for valid reasons.
------------------------------------------------------

In the case of the OP, I agree that since your mom seems to be asking for feedback and running this by you, the suggestions of several posters-- bring up the reviews and point out to her that you don't want her to waste her money on something that is not well made, and/or show her the wooden version and comment that you think it would last longer, etc. would be kind ways to go about it.

I do think it is odd that she asked for a list and now is not following it, but at the same time, the fact that she is running things by you seems to imply she is open to working with you on this. And for the future, I think maybe implementing some of these other suggestions (i.e. the list of general stores/companies/websites, and/or general interests) and make clear to her if there are certain things that are absolutely not allowed in your house, in a respectful but firm way. Good luck and keep us posted!


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## Ofwait (Feb 16, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *busymama77* 
Do I just get over this and let them get what they want to get for him? I guess I'm just not understanding her reasoning behind all of this.


Yes get over it.

Her reasoning? She wants to get her grandson something he will really enjoy.

Lego's are a really great learning toy, BTW.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mizelenius* 
Well, if I yelled at my mom, "No peanut butter!" she'd probably be upset. My family doesn't like being yelled at. (Not that I never yell-- just something I avoid.)

My family doesn't really know how to speak quietly.







It is something to do with our pallets, they are really high and everything comes out loud. My son was less than a year old at the time.

Quote:

I'd have to think long and hard before I told her no PB. If it was an allergy issue, then of course (and I yell since it was an emergency). But beyond that . . .So, unless the no-plastic is a health issue, I can't see how it's the same thing.
No, I was being hyperbolic it isn't the same thing.







I am just saying I would take a stand on an issue I felt was important to my family.









Quote:

When I was a first-time parent, I cared a lot more about these kinds of things. I had much more of a fearful attitude about so many issues--- you know, the kind of thinking that x, y, or z would somehow ruin my child. I have changed a lot, especially this last year, when we started unschooling. I see things very differently and moved away from a lot of black/white thinking. It has been very freeing, though I still have a long way to go.

The only thing I care about now re: toys is if my children will play with them. I cannot tell you how many gorgeous, amazing wooden toys they DON'T play with. So, if people ask (which I guess I'm lucky, since my mom generally does) I do tell them, but based strictly on what I think my kids want, not on what I want. My 4 yo is a total techie who wants an iPod (I don't even have one!) and a camera to make movies . . .so, that's what she's getting. I wasn't always like this. I read some quote on an unschooling board that said something along the lines of, "Playing with Barbies wouldn't damage me, but telling me that something I liked was wrong [Barbies] was damaging."
My dd is also a techie









I don't think it has anything to do with fear or "ruining" a child but wanting something that encourages imagination in a world of TV and so much commercialism that some children cannot even ride their school bus without ads being blared at them.

It is nice sometimes to have some simple plain things that don't shriek, giggle, sing songs or make animal noises.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *lolablitz* 
What's so wrong with plastic? I get that wooden toys are in vogue right now, so if you're looking for toys that look cooler in your home, well...drop it.

Wooden toys are made from chemically-treated lumber and coated with resin (plastic) or paint (non-toxic chemical compound containing PVC-type elements). All of them. It's what keeps the wood from splintering in your kid's hands. I don't understand your issue with Legos either. My brother's are 30 y/o and still played with (unlike our wooden blocks which had to be tossed).


We spent a lot of time playing with my dad's tinker toys and Lincoln logs. There is something about toys that last for generations and never really lose what makes them special. That is why *I* like natural toys. Those tinker toys and Lincoln Logs.







Not anything to do with gnomes, fairies or anything else.

My daughter was just recently playing with those same tinker toys. Those simple toys are nearly 60 years old now, and they are still fun.

That shrieking light up toy won't work for 60 years the way my dad's Lincoln logs have, but how long will it sit in a dump once it's usefulness is at an end?? I imagine my grandchildren playing with these wooden trains that are lying all over my floor.










It isn't about "majickial learning" or things "looking cool in your house" but responsible stewards and making choices that are better for my great randchildren. This *is* a NFL board.

Why would I use cloth diapers AND then be perfectly ok with all the plastic crap people want to buy? There just has to be limits. We have to take a stand now and then and ask people to do what is right.

Sure, my kid has some Barbies but she also sustainable toys as well. I don't think that dictating what our kids play with is very fun, nor do I want to be the parent that allows anything, there has to be a happy medium.


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## SomedayMom (May 9, 2002)

I try to accept all gifts graciously and keep them based on my children's interest in them. A lot of things end up in the donation pile when the kids stop playing with them.

My inlaws are absolutely obsessed with leapfrog toys. My kids do not really care for them. After a week, they are pushed aside and I put them in the donation pile with very few exceptions.

I also disagree with your stance on legos. As far as I have been able to find out about them, they are made of safe plastics. They are awesome toys for the imagination. Open ended. Great for fine motor skill development. All in all, a really perfect toy. My boys love them.

We have a wooden work bench and I definitely prefer it, but they've gotten a few Bosch tools from Target and they are good quality. Could be a compromise...


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## Viola (Feb 1, 2002)

Yeah, I loved Legos as a kid and they can be a great toy, but your son is still rather young, and they can be also be a nuisance: tiny bright squares that are a bane to bare feet and that you are forever picking up. My husband and I bought ourselves Legos before we had kids, and then I hid the darn things for awhile because my kids just liked doing the dump and run. Even now, with two huge buckets, they'll dump them all over the floor, build for a little while, fight over the specialty pieces and then fight over who has to clean them up. My 6 year old will inevitably pick up very few and then walk away and refuse to do anything else. And then her answer is always, "I don't want to pick them up, you can just get rid of them." ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!

I think my favorite toy is my husband's wooden nesting blocks from when he was a young child. You can build little towns with them, and the best part about them is they are actually fun to put away. They are probably the only toy my 6 year old will willingly put away.

Anyway, I don't think you really have to just get over it. I think there can be room to talk about it.


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## RoadBuddy (May 19, 2005)

Y'know, it seems this debate totally depends on the personality of the giver. So many of you are talking about hurt feelings and I'm sure that's a big problem in some families. Mine? Not sensitive in the least. You kinda need to bash them over the head with things or they either don't remember or assume it doesn't matter b/c you didn't make a fuss. Subtlety is not a concept in their house







So I can easily say "we don't like light up toys and this thing we saw at the store is HIDEOUS". I can yell "no peanut butter". In fact, if I said a wishy washy "we're trying to avoid pb due to potential allergies, so I'd prefer blah blah"...they'd hear that as "pb is OK in small doses". A flat "no pb allowed" is better.

My ILs are a little more subtle, but like to buy what will get used. They might be offended if they spent money on the tool bench and we gave it away, so they welcome suggestions and are interested in knowing what we like.

I guess when I buy gifts, I want to make sure it's something the recipient will want and get to use. So I need to know if someone doesn't like certain things, or if the parents don't allow it. Otherwise, I feel I'm wasting money and annoying people with my gifts. It's not about me (the giver). My niece is really into princess movies, and her parents are fine with it. So when she asked for a specific Disney princess-y thing, I got it. Going out and buying my preference of a less gendered, more open ended, princess-like thing, hopefully eco-friendly, would make ME feel better, but she wouldn't like it, and isn't her enjoyment the point?


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## riverscout (Dec 22, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
I don't think that dictating what our kids play with is very fun, nor do I want to be the parent that allows anything, there has to be a happy medium.

This is my take on it as well. I don't think you have to just get over it. There is a middle ground between allowing anything and everything no matter how much it doesn't fit in with your values and being completely rigid and intolerant of anything that you wouldn't personally buy.

I started out with the intention of only letting my kids have natural, handcrafted, heirloom quality toys out of concern for their health and the environment. And while we do have a lot of those toys, a little bit of less than stellar stuff (like the dollar store goodie bag junk that my daughter just loves














) has crept in as well as some quality ethically made (at least from a labor standpoint ) plastic things, and I'm okay with that.

That said, I really do have a strong preference for not only natural toys but for quality over quantity. I don't want people giving the kids dozens of toys every holiday. We have a small space here, and I don't want it filled to the brim with toys.

I've really not had a problem letting those very close to us, particularly my mom, know our preferences as well as why we have them. I can't imagine just keeping quiet about it all and then tossing stuff out or keeping things I'm not at all comfortable with.

BTW, we love Legos here.


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## m.m.m. (Oct 23, 2009)

if they live near you, adopt our rule. Whaterver my MIL buys the kids, she keeps at her house







If she wants to b uy obnoxious & loud, then she can deal with it.t tell her we have no space (partial truth), and I don't want added clotter. So whether great or horrible, the things she buys are special for at grandma's house


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## ihugtrees (Oct 16, 2008)

I haven't read all of the responses, only page 1.

I have the same problem with my parents. I tell my mom she needs shoes, but have said MANY times we try to buy used stuff....so she gets her shoes from Target.







I know she just sees something cute and wants to get it for her.

However, I feel like I need to draw a line. I don't want her buying my daughter Bratz dolls or Barbies, so I need to have boundaries somewhere.

It's bothersome to me when they ask, and I give them specific instructions, and they still don't listen. It's just disrespectful of them, IMO, but my family has a history of disrespecting me and my wishes so it's something I need to work on with them.

I don't agree with the phrase that giving is as much about the giver. It SHOULDNT be. If it is, I'd rather not have it. You shouldn't give because you feel gratified by doing it...you should give selflessly.


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## ComplexOphelia (Oct 5, 2009)

I say pick your battles. I also am really annoyed when everyone, after asking what we want, gives DS a bunch of made in China plastic crap that makes obnoxious noises.

The way I figure, people get our list because they ask for it, and so they know very well which kind of presents we want and appreciate (like donations to the Preeclampsia Foundation, or paying for swimming lessons, or a non-toxic, durable toy). This doesn't mean that I'm not gracious when they choose to ignore the list they asked for - I say thank you, and appreciate that they want to give us things. I often donate it, or sell it on Ebay and donate the profit. We're trying to teach DS frugality and not to value "things" too much (and hopefully keep a path in our house that ISN'T full of kid toys







).

Just because they gave it to you doesn't mean you need to keep it (or keep every single one like it)! I'm trying to stick to a "one-in, one-out" policy, and donate either the new toy/sweater/whatever or a similar, gently used one. I apply this to my own gifts, too.

We used to be very adamant about ONLY documented non-toxic toys, and we've let that lapse a bit. I've discovered the usefulness of picking my battles, and right now I'd rather battle over whether he's allowed to have potatoes with sour cream and butter! If you feel strongly that a toy is inappropriate, get rid of it, don't play with it. I personally think it'd be a shame to miss out on Lego, though!


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## ComplexOphelia (Oct 5, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ihugtrees* 
I don't agree with the phrase that giving is as much about the giver. It SHOULDNT be. If it is, I'd rather not have it. You shouldn't give because you feel gratified by doing it...you should give selflessly.

I agree with this. I know that I'd rather give something that I don't really love that I know will be appreciated, like a nice tool set for my Dad. Knowing he wants it and loves it makes me feel better than getting him the soft, luxurious cashmere sweater that he'd never wear.


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## Marsupialmom (Sep 28, 2003)

I think you are micromanaging.

As for the HomeDepot toy mention the reviews. Maybe come to a compromise mom I realize you want that work bench, its a great idea. But with those reviews why don't we do this -- link to bench. Maybe go 50/50 Your guy is little and your mom might not be aware of the reviews and how valuable they can be.

As for the Lego table....please evaluate your no plastic ideas. Plastics are a reality of the world today. I do agree limiting them but not with Legos, chest/check peices, dice, et. It is not necessary the plastic that is bad but the limiting nature of some plastic toys. Even at times "limited" nature toys can server for great fun and purpose -- like snap circuits.


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## Mulvah (Aug 12, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Cascadian* 
Meh, get over it. And the micromanaging. Life is full of random experiences beyond our control, and it can lead to wonderful surprises. Some of the ickiest stuff people gave us for the kids - stuff that there's no way I would have ever chosen - ended up being their favourites for whatever reason.

Gifting is as much for the giver as for the recipient. Don't take that away from people, especially grandparents.

Great advice that I try to follow, myself.


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## Cascadian (Jan 28, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *ihugtrees* 
I don't agree with the phrase that giving is as much about the giver. It SHOULDNT be. If it is, I'd rather not have it. You shouldn't give because you feel gratified by doing it...you should give selflessly.

That's pretty much 99% of the giving out there. And I personally see nothing wrong with something that makes both parties happy...a win-win situation. It seriously boggles my mind to put psychological limits on how someone feels about buying gifts...maybe in your world, but certainly not in mine.

"Dear family, here is a list of approved gifts for my child this holiday season. Please know that we will not accept gifts that you feel happy or in any way gratified about buying, giving, or watching little Sally/Johnny open."


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## Biscuits & Gravy (Jul 17, 2008)

I would say that even if you are asked for a list, and you provide one, it is still up to the gift giver to choose the gift they would like to buy. I would also say that micro managing the gift giver's choices takes away from the spirit of the season. Just my


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## momo7 (Apr 10, 2005)

I really want to downsize the gift aspect of Christmas this year. I am limiting to three-four toys per child and all of them will be either learning toys or wooden toys. My husband always wants to buy crap in quantity. I hate it. Nothing lasts beyond the time it takes to get it out of the box and play with it once.









I am buying from Magic Cabin, Hearthsong and the name of that toy place Mothering put the insert in their magazine for this month. I will also order two things from Homescience tools.These will be things that require imagination to use, or some brain power. All on line so that DH can't get his usual Wal-Mart toy fix for the year. Although...... I did get a lap harp for my daughter's birthday there.....it was wooden and a fraction of the price I found on line at other places.

I just want nice things that will last. I hate the whole give-me more aspect of the season you know. It's just so depressing.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

That my children see me being gracious when accepting people's kindness and generosity is much more important to me than what materials their gifts are made out of. They're little sponges, and they learn from how we respond to these kinds of things.


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## Wild Lupine (Jul 22, 2009)

To the OP:

This is obviously bugging you a lot, since you've posted twice about it. Maybe you could think in terms of values and principles, and what you want most for your son this holiday season. Is it to cultivate a relationship with his grandparents, to learn how to accept gifts graciously, to have more safe and environmentally friendly toys to play with, to give gifts to others, to see your parents respecting your parenting choices? These are just a few possibilities I've read in your post and in the replies.

It is possible you want all of these, but you might not be able to get them all. Pick one or two that are really important, and once you've decided what those are, it will probably become clear what you can let go of.

And on a practical level, in case you do get stuff you don't want your son playing with much. We keep a stash of toys at each of my parent's houses so we don't have to drag them back and forth every time we visit. Mysteriously, the 'plastic crap with bells and whistles' (as we call it here) always ends up in the grandparent stash, if they gave it to us, and not in our living room.


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
I would have probably redirected someone over a light up bench if they asked me.









If she asks for a list why doesn't she pay attention to it? Is she having trouble finding things? Could you maybe list where to find things in addition to what they might like?

You could have some natural toy companies send catalogs to her house.









I really like your last idea. Thanks!


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamazee* 
That my children see me being gracious when accepting people's kindness and generosity is much more important to me than what materials their gifts are made out of. They're little sponges, and they learn from how we respond to these kinds of things.

I agree. DH and I have always been very gracious of what's been given to us and we want DS to be this way, too. No doubt! But I also feel like she is not respecting my parenting choices and that's where the environmentally friendly toys come in to play as well.

And I don't feel like I'm micro managing the list that I provided like some other pp's have mentioned. It's really about the one specific toy that I've sent pictures to my mom about even before I provided the list of the other things that bothers me.
But in any event, we've decided to wait until his b-day to give him the tool bench since too much money has already been spent on other things and there is no room left in her budget to buy the toy.


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## BrittneyMarie (Nov 11, 2009)

i was always taught to accept gifts graciously whether i liked them or not. i can't imagine telling my mother not to buy something she wanted to buy for dd. unless it was dangerous or immoral, of course. i'm not into telling people what to do. it is odd, though, that she asked for a list and didnt get anything off of it.


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Marsupialmom* 
I think you are micromanaging.

*As for the HomeDepot toy mention the reviews. Maybe come to a compromise mom I realize you want that work bench, its a great idea. But with those reviews why don't we do this -- link to bench.* Maybe go 50/50 Your guy is little and your mom might not be aware of the reviews and how valuable they can be.

As for the Lego table....please evaluate your no plastic ideas. Plastics are a reality of the world today. I do agree limiting them but not with Legos, chest/check peices, dice, et. It is not necessary the plastic that is bad but the limiting nature of some plastic toys. Even at times "limited" nature toys can server for great fun and purpose -- like snap circuits.

Bolded part - I did this already, so why do you think I'm mircomanaging??


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *BrittneyMarie* 
i was always taught to accept gifts graciously whether i liked them or not. i can't imagine telling my mother not to buy something she wanted to buy for dd. unless it was dangerous or immoral, of course. i'm not into telling people what to do. it is odd, though, that she asked for a list and didnt get anything off of it.

She did get some things off of the list that I provided. And I'm not telling her what to buy - she wanted ideas - I gave them to her. I explained to her from the get-go how I wanted to go a certain way with his toys this year and when she didn't care to listen, that's when I got frustrated.

The Legos thing - yes, I'll back off on that one because it is a nice set and I know for sure that he'll enjoy it - but like I said earlier, I made it clear that I wanted to have as many things as possible made out of eco-friendly materials and she just didn't seem to care about it. Oh well, right?

Not a big deal anymore!


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## gcgirl (Apr 3, 2007)

Hi - haven't read all the replies, but I was wondering if your mom is close by - could you maybe have her keep the toy at HER house, as a special treat for your LO when he goes over there?

This is one of those issues I've thought a whole lot about. Growing up, people would usually get me things I didn't want, didn't like, didn't care about. Still today, certain folks want to get DS things that I think are pointless or useless or obnoxious, and really, sometimes I just want to cancel the whole gift-giving thing. In fact, I DID tell everyone I wasn't participating in gifts a few years running, but guess what? I got presents anyway. And yeah, most of them things I didn't want. To me it seems like a waste, but I understand deep down that giving those gifts makes the giver feel good, and I would NOT want to spoil that for them. I have always been a gracious gift giver AND receiver, and I can't imagine teaching my LOs any different.

I've also come around to reality on the toys situation. DH and I agree we want to limit toys, and we prefer to have toys around that encourage active or open-ended play, but we also know that not everyone sees it the same way, and we've figured out that exposure to "other" types of toys is not going to hurt him. (He's just going to covet those things at other kids' houses anyway - DH and I both remember THAT from our own childhoods.







)


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *busymama77* 
I agree. DH and I have always been very gracious of what's been given to us and we want DS to be this way, too. No doubt! But I also feel like she is not respecting my parenting choices and that's where the environmentally friendly toys come in to play as well.

And I don't feel like I'm micro managing the list that I provided like some other pp's have mentioned. *It's really about the one specific toy that I've sent pictures to my mom about even before I provided the list of the other things that bothers me.*
But in any event, we've decided to wait until his b-day to give him the tool bench since too much money has already been spent on other things and there is no room left in her budget to buy the toy.


If this one toy is that importent to you then buy it yourself. Problem solved. You know you get exactly what YOU want (which its not about you, its about your DS) and you know your mom is under less pressure, to make sure she gets the "right" toy.

Get over this and over yourself and see that your mom is trying to do something nice, and if she's anything like me (broke beyoned broke) that plastic "crap" may be more within her budget. I've had some great toys that were plasic, toys that went through both my girls, and have been passed on to other families in need. I've had wooden toys and they were crap, and cost WAY more then the plastic stuff that lasted way longer.

Natural toys are all well and good if you can afford them. Personally I would take anything for my child at this point, and its better then nothing. I have no family around me to help me out. My girls will get a couple homemade toys (thanks to a mom here who recommended it, great idea) but my older DD is 4. She's old enough to know that she's not getting what everyone else is, and it will hurt her when there are no toys under the tree.

Oh and Lego's are the BEST toy ever. Just think of the hours of imaginative play with them.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *busymama77* 
I agree. DH and I have always been very gracious of what's been given to us and we want DS to be this way, too. No doubt! But I also feel like she is not respecting my parenting choices and that's where the environmentally friendly toys come in to play as well.

And I don't feel like I'm micro managing the list that I provided like some other pp's have mentioned. It's really about the one specific toy that I've sent pictures to my mom about even before I provided the list of the other things that bothers me.
But in any event, we've decided to wait until his b-day to give him the tool bench since too much money has already been spent on other things and there is no room left in her budget to buy the toy.

So you've told her what to buy, sent pictures, and made an issue of the alternative that she selected... I'm missing the graciousness here.

What if someone you know asked you to buy their kid a Bratz doll (or something equally against your values or outside of your budget) and you took the time to find an ecologically sounder alternative and then they got mad that you were not supporting their values and asked you to go and get the proper Bratz doll and had Bratz catalogues sent to your house... how would you feel about that relationship?

The thing is - you _do_ have the final control. You can give any toy away you like. If it's not worth the battle with your child once the gift is given, that should tell you something right there.

Is it really worth the damage to your relationship with the gift giver and the modelling you are passing onto your child over this particular item? Is your desire to keep a ecologically friendly home worth making an emotionally unfriendly situation with relatives and friends? Is there a middle ground where you accept an 80% eco-whatever pile of toys and 20% gifted plastic in order to demonstrate values like gratitude and compromise and acceptance of others' points of view?

These are tough questions but from your posts here I think it would be good to have a thought about what compromises our environment from a slightly broader perspective. Being overly picky with gifts that truly are love-inspired can be toxic in a different way.


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *KimberlyD0* 
If this one toy is that importent to you then buy it yourself. Problem solved. You know you get exactly what YOU want (which its not about you, its about your DS) and you know your mom is under less pressure, to make sure she gets the "right" toy.

Get over this and over yourself and see that your mom is trying to do something nice, and if she's anything like me (broke beyoned broke) that plastic "crap" may be more within her budget. I've had some great toys that were plasic, toys that went through both my girls, and have been passed on to other families in need. I've had wooden toys and they were crap, and cost WAY more then the plastic stuff that lasted way longer.

Natural toys are all well and good if you can afford them. Personally I would take anything for my child at this point, and its better then nothing. I have no family around me to help me out. My girls will get a couple homemade toys (thanks to a mom here who recommended it, great idea) but my older DD is 4. She's old enough to know that she's not getting what everyone else is, and it will hurt her when there are no toys under the tree.

Oh and Lego's are the BEST toy ever. Just think of the hours of imaginative play with them.

I understand what you're saying, but she offered to buy it, so I'm not going to take that away from her. We've already decided and planned on what we're getting DS ourselves and have budgeted for that.


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
So you've told her what to buy, sent pictures, and made an issue of the alternative that she selected... I'm missing the graciousness here.

What if someone you know asked you to buy their kid a Bratz doll (or something equally against your values or outside of your budget) and you took the time to find an ecologically sounder alternative and then they got mad that you were not supporting their values and asked you to go and get the proper Bratz doll and had Bratz catalogues sent to your house... how would you feel about that relationship?

The thing is - you _do_ have the final control. You can give any toy away you like. If it's not worth the battle with your child once the gift is given, that should tell you something right there.

Is it really worth the damage to your relationship with the gift giver and the modelling you are passing onto your child over this particular item? Is your desire to keep a ecologically friendly home worth making an emotionally unfriendly situation with relatives and friends? Is there a middle ground where you accept an 80% eco-whatever pile of toys and 20% gifted plastic in order to demonstrate values like gratitude and compromise and acceptance of others' points of view?

These are tough questions but from your posts here I think it would be good to have a thought about what compromises our environment from a slightly broader perspective. Being overly picky with gifts that truly are love-inspired can be toxic in a different way.

I'm not TELLING her what to buy. I had mentioned the idea of getting this for DS for Christmas overall, she said that she would be more than happy to get it for him and once I sent her picutres of what I had in mind, she went the complete opposite route!!!! THAT'S what I've been trying to say this entire time. I feel like my words are getting misunderstood here. It hasn't been discussed any further. She's actually going to wait to give it to him for his birthday now, like I previously mentioned. They always get a big present for him - whether it's for Christmas OR for his birthday. Regardless if I've given her an idea of what to get him, any gift that she's ever given to DS, he's been super gracious for and so have DH and I. Please - it's not about that at all!

Hell, she even went out and got a $500 bike trailer for him for his b-day last year. A TON more than DH and I EVER expected for him to get, but she knew about much DS loved going on bike rides w/ DH and now he couldd do it more often. I gave her an idea and she rolled with it. I didn't TELL her what to buy and I didn't micromanage - she did this on her own.


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## Hoopin' Mama (Sep 9, 2004)

I am learning to take a deep breath and get over it.
This year, Grandma wouldn't even tell us what she got ds for his bday. As he opened it I knew why. I'm CERTAIN she knows the gift goes against what we are shooting for (no pun intended, and yes the gift included a gun) in our home. I guess she decides she isn't concerned. And ds does love the toy.
It will break and end up in the landfill, unfortunately, soon enough. I hate being the one in the position to have to throw out a large plastic toy. Ick.


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## KimberlyD0 (Mar 8, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *busymama77* 
I understand what you're saying, but she offered to buy it, so I'm not going to take that away from her. We've already decided and planned on what we're getting DS ourselves and have budgeted for that.

Then be happy that she is buying one and don't be ungreatful for HER generousity. The fact is that its her choice whats she can buy and she knows what she can afford.


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## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *terrabella* 
Legos are an awesome toy.









If I ever tried to take my kids' legos away, they'd be all







and I'd be all







.

So true!

Legos are hands down my favorite toy - ds will spend hours building intricate ships and cities. It's so cool to see all the creative, inventive things he makes with those tiny pieces. He loves them & they are a WONDERFUL open ended toy. Don't discount them because they are plastic or you will be missing out on an amazing toy. Seriously.

And as far as the tool bench goes - yeah, let it go. Sure, I hate flashy plastic toys as much as anyone else. But it's a GIFT. Be gracious, say thanks, and let it go.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Why should the OP capitulate on her values and beliefs in order to conform to someone's impulse buying? At what point would someone say "too far?"

Just because it isn't something one person cares about doesn't mean the OP is out of line for believing that way and asking others to be mindful of her choices and values.

People have purchased inappropriate clothing for my dd and I never let her wear them. I don't really like being placed in that position. I would rather they not have gotten something at all if they were going to get something she wouldn't be allowed.

Everyone has relatives that have NO IDEA what someone is really like because they tend to get the most inappropriate thing imaginable.

I understand some people like to shop and they get mesmerized by the flashing lights and music but not all kids like those things. My ds likes blocks he likes trains and he likes balls. He isn't really as interested in the flashy toys. (unless balls are involved







)


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *busymama77* 
I'm not TELLING her what to buy. I had mentioned the idea of getting this for DS for Christmas overall, she said that she would be more than happy to get it for him and once I sent her picutres of what I had in mind, she went the complete opposite route!!!! THAT'S what I've been trying to say this entire time. I feel like my words are getting misunderstood here. It hasn't been discussed any further. She's actually going to wait to give it to him for his birthday now, like I previously mentioned. They always get a big present for him - whether it's for Christmas OR for his birthday. Regardless if I've given her an idea of what to get him, any gift that she's ever given to DS, he's been super gracious for and so have DH and I. Please - it's not about that at all!

Hell, she even went out and got a $500 bike trailer for him for his b-day last year. A TON more than DH and I EVER expected for him to get, but she knew about much DS loved going on bike rides w/ DH and now he couldd do it more often. I gave her an idea and she rolled with it. I didn't TELL her what to buy and I didn't micromanage - she did this on her own.

Well you said:

*I explained to her from the get-go how I wanted to go a certain way with his toys this year and when she didn't care to listen, that's when I got frustrated.*

This does come across to me as telling her what to get. Sorry, but it does. You said you sent a picture, and you said you pointed out the reviews on her choice. Maybe to you that doesn't seem micromanaging, and maybe it's not playing out like that in person, but if I were on the receiving end, I would be giving up at this point.

You asked originally if you should get over it and I am saying that in my reading of what you've said throughout the thread, it might be good to take into consideration that gift giving is not only about the ecological values. There are also values around courtesy and family and gratitude, and I just think that in your frustration you may be missing out on those. But I've found that in my life and my family's life, the way we treat each other is just as much a part of our environment as the plastics and woods. Those are just my thoughts; hope it goes well for you.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
Why should the OP capitulate on her values and beliefs in order to conform to someone's impulse buying? At what point would someone say "too far?"

Just because it isn't something one person cares about doesn't mean the OP is out of line for believing that way and asking others to be mindful of her choices and beliefs.

People have purchased inappropriate clothing for my dd and I never let her wear them. IMO it really shows a lack of foresight getting my dd something like that. I was a bit irritated at the time because I had no idea why they thought I would ever be ok with that.

I totally control my house and if I think a toy is unsafe or really inconsistent with my values, of course I'll remove it.

What I don't do is make other people responsible for that. Sure, if they ask I'll share. But otherwise, it's really my issue - not theirs. Although I will allow there are a few toxic people who give gifts in order to be mean, the vast majority of people are just out doing their shopping within their budgets trying to be nice.

In my opinion gifts should be graciously received. If I believe SO strongly that my son shouldn't be exposed then I have no problem removing the gift afterwards. But treating people's gifts like they are a political statement is just, to me, so so so ungrateful and rude. It's such a culture of entitlement where YOUR gift HAS to conform to MY values. I agree that it's nice if it does but like I said - am I therefore required to shop Disney/Barbie/Bratz? Or is there a middle ground, greased by courtesy?

I don't know. Sometimes I really am saddened that people put things before people like that. If you don't like it, sure, don't keep it. But all this drama trying to MAKE people give the RIGHT thing just feels wrong to me.


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## JessicaS (Nov 18, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GuildJenn* 
I totally control my house and if I think a toy is unsafe or really inconsistent with my values, of course I'll remove it.

What I don't do is make other people responsible for that. Sure, if they ask I'll share. But otherwise, it's really my issue - not theirs. Although I will allow there are a few toxic people who give gifts in order to be mean, the vast majority of people are just out doing their shopping within their budgets trying to be nice.

In my opinion gifts should be graciously received. If I believe SO strongly that my son shouldn't be exposed then I have no problem removing the gift afterwards. But treating people's gifts like they are a political statement is just, to me, so so so ungrateful and rude. It's such a culture of entitlement where YOUR gift HAS to conform to MY values. I agree that it's nice if it does but like I said - am I therefore required to shop Disney/Barbie/Bratz? Or is there a middle ground, greased by courtesy?

I don't know. Sometimes I really am saddened that people put things before people like that. If you don't like it, sure, don't keep it. But all this drama trying to MAKE people give the RIGHT thing just feels wrong to me.

My issue is that I would rather my child be able to enjoy a gift that came from their grandparent.

I don't have a single living grandparent and in my value system grandparents are extremely important. If one of our parents got dd something I wouldn't allow, I would find that unfortunate. I would want dd to enjoy something from her grandparents and cherish it. I wouldn't want her to get something I would just toss. I would have a hard time tossing it because I know how special grandparents are and I miss mine dearly.

"Making it a political statement" is dismissive. A culture of entitlement? What does it say when someone feels they should be able to force a giant hunk of shrieking plastic on someone when they don't believe in that? How is that reasonable?

Do people buy Muslims bottles of wine and get offended when they don't drink it? Do people buy Vegans giant boxes of Summer Sausage and get offended when they do not gush their appreciation?

I don't buy Bratz because I feel they are immodest and vulgar. If someone will only accept Bratz then I would just get them a gift card. I wouldn't turn around and buy them the opposite of what they requested because that just isn't something I do. If someone had on their list, "no Bratz" how would it be rational to then buy the Bratz? Is it "entitlement" to not want Bratz? Someone asked me if they could get dd Bratz and I said, "no." Is that entitlement? How?

Telling people to compromise on their values because someone can't be bothered to read a list they asked for seems wrong to me.


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## Biscuits & Gravy (Jul 17, 2008)

OP, I just saw your name in another thread here and recognized it from this one. It was about what your DC is getting for Christmas, and you listed what your child is getting. I would say that your list is not particularly "eco-friendly" despite you claiming in this thread that your focus this year is on getting toys of that nature. Therefore, I have to question some of the things you are saying in this thread about your intentions. If you are willing to hurt someone's feelings or cause tension over their choice of gift for your child because it is not the eco-friendly toy you want, yet you are listing plastic, mass produced toys that you are giving your child, well, that just doesn't add up to me.







I would advise you to really think about your motive in this situation.

I'm not sure if it is against policy to bring up something a member wrote in another post here. If it is, by all means please let me know mods. I just had a little lightbulb moment and was trying to be helpful, if indeed the OP does want advice and help from other members here.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *abimommy* 
What does it say when someone feels they should be able to force a giant hunk of shrieking plastic on someone when they don't believe in that? How is that reasonable?

Do people buy Muslims bottles of wine and get offended when they don't drink it? Do people buy Vegans giant boxes of Summer Sausage and get offended when they do not gush their appreciation?

I don't buy Bratz because I feel they are immodest and vulgar. If someone will only accept Bratz then I would just get them a gift card. I wouldn't turn around and buy them the opposite of what they requested because that just isn't something I do. If someone had on their list, "no Bratz" how would it be rational to then buy the Bratz? Is it "entitlement" to not want Bratz? Someone asked me if they could get dd Bratz and I said, "no." Is that entitlement? How?

Telling people to compromise on their values because someone can't be bothered to read a list they asked for seems wrong to me.

See this is exactly where the logic breaks down for me in this discussion.

I don't experience gifts as "forcing a big hunk of plastic." Is it _possible_ that people can _deliberately_ give offensive gifts? Sure.

But I do not think that this is the case with this gift, nor do I think it is often the case.

Offense is something we can not always, but often, choose not to take. I'm not really a Christian, but I've been given jewelry with crosses on it. It doesn't offend me. I understand that in the mind of the giver, they're sharing something valuable with me. I am prepared to accept the gift with an open mind and heart. The thing -- the gift -- is not so important to me. I'll rehome it, or keep it as a symbol of the relationship.

Honestly if I want something that reflects my values, I'll buy it. I don't get this "I'll give you a list of what I want and you'd better stick to it" mentality. Why not just arrange bank transfers?

Life involves getting gifts we don't cherish. However, my belief is that we should still cherish the thought behind the act. To me that's the important part. I do see what you're saying but I do not, personally, believe that it is a gift giver's job to never, ever, ever give something that might be "wrong."


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Biscuits & Gravy* 
OP, I just saw your name in another thread here and recognized it from this one. It was about what your DC is getting for Christmas, and you listed what your child is getting. I would say that your list is not particularly "eco-friendly" despite you claiming in this thread that your focus this year is on getting toys of that nature. Therefore, I have to question some of the things you are saying in this thread about your intentions. If you are willing to hurt someone's feelings or cause tension over their choice of gift for your child because it is not the eco-friendly toy you want, yet you are listing plastic, mass produced toys that you are giving your child, well, that just doesn't add up to me.







I would advise you to really think about your motive in this situation.

I'm not sure if it is against policy to bring up something a member wrote in another post here. If it is, by all means please let me know mods. I just had a little lightbulb moment and was trying to be helpful, if indeed the OP does want advice and help from other members here.

I realize that and not ALL of his toys are going to be eco-friendly - a majority of them are mass produced. That's just the way it goes these days. It was just this *one particular thing* that I would have liked to have been eco-friendly out of all of the plastic toys that he's received thus far and the things that he'll receive this year. What's so wrong with that?

No feelings have been hurt here. So, I'm not sure what you've gotten that from. My mother is not upset and no tension has been caused at all. Why in the world would I want to take it to that level? It's not worth it. She's not even aware of the frustratioin that I've had (keyword here: HAD).
She would like to get the best thing possible for DS, but if the reviews are not there for a particular item and it's not going to hold up due to poor quality, then she's not going to get it. She's not going to waste her money - I wouldn't want her to!! That's why I was leaning so much more towards the toolbench workshop made out of wood - and if it comes down to it not being that at all - then a product that will last much longer, is a better brand, than the one that she picked out before.

It's not that I'm not looking for advice or suggestions, I just feel like I'm being misunderstood on so many different levels that it's getting harder and harder to explain how I feel.

I have taken my deep breaths and *I AM OVER IT*!!! It's no longer an issue in my book and I will try not to let something like this get me frustrated again - God forbid.


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## Biscuits & Gravy (Jul 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *busymama77* 
I had posted a while back about my parents not really going by the list that I give them as far as gifts go for DS for Christmas - they ask for a list and I provide it. *I'm really trying to eliminate the amount of plastic toys that he gets, so on his list are wood puzzles, board games, a wooden tool bench set and a set of 200 wood blocks in different shapes.*

Again - my mother sends me a picture of a very flimsy, plastic tool bench set made by Home Depot that she saw at TRU. It got poor reviews and was over priced. She liked it because it made a ton of sounds and lite up. While that would be great and I'm sure he'd enjoy it, I would rather find something of better quality that is going to last longer than a month! *Then she told me that she got him Legos and a board for him to build on. Again, not on the list and they're plastic.*

Do I just get over this and let them get what they want to get for him? I guess I'm just not understanding her reasoning behind all of this. None of this costs any more than the other thing, so money isn't an issue. *I'm confused and frustrated and I guess I will do my part in making sure that what he gets is fun and educational, I'd also like to do my part in making sure it's eco-friendly as well*.

The bolded statements in your OP are what led me to believe you wanted only eco-friendly. The word "eliminate" is what mislead me to believe you did not want any plastic or non-eco friendly toys. I'm sure you can understand why that would be confusing when trying to figure out your motivation for insisting on a wood tool bench, yet stating that you are also buying him plastic, non-eco friendly toys yourself.


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## Mizelenius (Mar 22, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *busymama77* 
She would like to get the best thing possible for DS, but if the reviews are not there for a particular item and it's not going to hold up due to poor quality, then she's not going to get it. She's not going to waste her money - I wouldn't want her to!! .

I understand this. If it's just a matter of her not knowing about the bad reviews, I'd pass this info on, let her know the alternative(s), and just leave it at that.


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## busymama77 (Jun 16, 2009)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Biscuits & Gravy* 
The bolded statements in your OP are what led me to believe you wanted only eco-friendly. The word "eliminate" is what mislead me to believe you did not want any plastic or non-eco friendly toys. I'm sure you can understand why that would be confusing when trying to figure out your motivation for insisting on a wood tool bench, yet stating that you are also buying him plastic, non-eco friendly toys yourself.

I agree. While I listed the toys that were eco-friendly, I did not include the few mass produced toys that he will be getting. It's not that I don't WANT him to get them, it's just that he has so many now, that I'm trying to cut back, if you will (probably should've used that word in my OP) on the amount. It's because I wanted the eco part to outweight the mass produced toys. What I had listed as far as what DS is getting - only a couple of those are eco friendly - while the bike and the remote controlled car are not.

Sorry if I sounded hasty earlier. Just trying to explain myself and I guess I'm not doing a very good job.


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