# Easiest/cheapest way to assign a legal guardian?



## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Do you need to create a whole will??

We are sooo behind the game with the guardian thing, thank God nothing has happened to us yet, what happens if you don't have a legal guardian in place??!?

We need to do this cheaply, DH is unemployed...


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

If there is no legal guardian in place, the court may temporarily send your kid to foster care while someone who loves you and your kids goes through the red tape to have the kids permanently assigned to them. Now , no offense to MDC moms that foster but I do not want my kids to spend even one night in foster care. Also, I have a couple of opportunistic relatives that would try to get my kids for the insurance money and such they'd get. It really sucks to have relatives like that.

I know you said you are unemployed but real wills can cost less than you think. Call some lawyers in your area and ask them. I made my will pretty iron clad for my children's sake. Even with the power of healthcare and some trust stuff thrown in, I only paid 1000$ dollars for both of us.


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## t2009 (Sep 1, 2009)

Ugh... We need to do this too!

Well, I have heard that there are a few good on-line options out there. I'd start with nolo.com. They're a sort of DIY law publisher that's been around for a while. I've also heard that WillMaker (also by Nolo, apparently) has also gotten good reviews.

Of course, if (or when) you can afford it, I'd definitely seek out the advice of a real-life lawyer who specializes in wills & estates. Like Philomom said, it doesn't have to be all that expensive in the end. Based on my experience with online tax software, there's only so much depth you can get out of a computer program... You'd be able to create a better will for your child(ren) with a lawyer.

And before you go the electronic route, you might also check into other legal resources in your area. Community clinics or law school clinics may have programs that offer services at reduced rates or for free if you qualify.


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## Mummoth (Oct 30, 2003)

The legalities are probably different depending on where you are. I'd look into whether a notarized letter would do the trick. Basically, you just sign you letter stating your wishes in the presence of a lawyer or notary and they sign it, too. This would cost *maybe* a few hundred dollars. You'd give a copy to the person(s) you'd want your kids to go to, and keep a copy with your other important documents.

I have a court order that says that in the event of my death, my 'share' of guardianship would pass on to my mom. My ex isn't a fit parent, so I needed to protect the kids just in case. I didn't mind sharing other aspects of guardianship with him, though, so we did it that way. Now that the kids have had a step-dad for a few years, I've been thinking of doing the notarized letter thing... him and mom would be able to co-operate on custody/guardianship, but ex's parents would definitely try and take the kids (so they could take the $ from the divorce) I think the end result would be that the kids would continue to live with SO, with my parents/other family helping out, and the visitation with ex's parents would stay the same, or possibly being a little more liberal.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Mummoth*
> 
> I have a court order that says that in the event of my death, my 'share' of guardianship would pass on to my mom. My ex isn't a fit parent, so I needed to protect the kids just in case.


Wow, I have never heard of that kind of thing. Here in the states any bio-parent tops a grandparent unless the parent is currently in jail.


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## Lisa1970 (Jan 18, 2009)

A notorized letter in the event of your death to keep the children from going to the custody of the other parent will not work at all. The other parent WILL get the children, unless someone proves the other parent unfit and takes them away in a CPS fashion basically. No court or police officer or otherwise will hold up a notorized letter. Now, if you are talking you and the other parent are both dead, the last one to die gets to chose where the children go. I think the last one to die has to outlive the other parent by a certain period of time.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Eugh. We've been sort of ignoring this, because we have no great options. Both DH's parents and mine are out (too old, not interested!); DH's one sibling is out for reasons of religious difference, plus the probability that she'll have a large number of her own kids and might not want/be able to afford ours as well; I have one sibling with a problematic spouse, another who lives on the other side of the world and is single to boot, another with special needs, and two who are still teenagers. We know one family who might be OK, but they're not relatives and are much stricter disciplinarians than we are... like I say, it's an "eugh" situation.  In an emergency, the family I mentioned last knows we have them in mind, and I've mentioned it to my parents as well; but we don't have anything more official than that in place. I wonder if it'd count for anything, legally?


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Smokering.. I really think this is something that all parents need to take care of. It shows that you love and safeguard your kids even from death. It is the ultimate
" grown up act" as far as my spouse and I are concerned. And yeah, parts of our families suck... so we have dear family friends as guardians for our kids. Someone they love and know. Someone strong enough to handle the BS from both families.


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## lindberg99 (Apr 23, 2003)

We are in the midwest (so pretty cheap compared to other areas) but we got our will and power of attorneys done for $375. Maybe you could work out a payment plan if you can't afford to pay all at once? Or if you do it yourself, maybe you can find a lawyer to read it over? Do you know any lawyers through church, friend's parents, etc who might cut you a break?

At this point, our whole will is about the kids so I think yes, you do need a whole will. We sure don't have enough that we can leave anything to anyone else. It's all setting up a trust, naming guardians and trustees, etc. I was thinking of doing it myself but a friend talked me into going to a lawyer. It turned out that the dad of a girl on DD's soccer team does estate planning so we went and saw him. He brought up things that we would never have thought of and also did our medical power of attorneys.


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## Mummoth (Oct 30, 2003)

Smokering, is there any way some of the people on your list could share custody, so the kids would have a better situation? Grandparents might be able to handle school days, and an aunt/uncle to have the kids on weekends where they take a lot more energy?

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> Wow, I have never heard of that kind of thing. Here in the states any bio-parent tops a grandparent unless the parent is currently in jail.


The reason we split is that he assaulted our son... at the time of the trial, he'd opted not to continue to participate in counseling with the kids after 3 sessions because it was 'too expensive' and the ONLY thing he'd done to rehabilitate himself was a condensed, 6 hour anger management class. He chose not to mail/email the kids despite being encouraged to by myself and the counselor. The judge asked him to suggest a schedule for seeing the kids, and he wouldn't make a commitment even as vague as "Once a month"... he wanted to be able to drop in when he happened to be in town. His only protest to having it put in the order was he wanted his parents added the same way in case he died. I disagreed with that, and my lawyer said there's no reason why I couldn't have sole guardianship, as I was a responsible parent. He didn't care enough to have a lawyer there (his family is loaded, he can afford one... and he had one for the all-important support$ /division of assets$ hearings) He didn't speak up and ask for anything to be explained, he didn't request time to think about anything, nothing... and it was done casually enough (specifically because he didn't have a lawyer) that he could have.

If I got a notarized letter, it wouldn't be intended to over-ride the court order, but to support it. Mom could retain guardianship, and her and SO could share custody as they saw fit. There wouldn't be any need for them to take the kids from ex/his parents in a CPS fashion, because they wouldn't be in their custody in the first place. They could take my family to court and try and take the kids. The judge would be deciding between the kid remaining in the same home with an awesome stepdad, 5 minutes away from my parents who would provide all the help he needs, and all of whom would be supportive of the kids' maintaining contact with their birth fathers side of the family, OR moving 1 hour away from their home, to live with grandparents who would not let them see my side of the family at all, OR moving 4+ hours away to live with an abusive birth father who hasn't bothered to maintain contact with them for 4 years, wouldn't allow them to see my side of their family at all, and has no-one to help living near him. I know the court system can be messed up, but so far it's worked for me.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Quote:


> Smokering.. I really think this is something that all parents need to take care of. It shows that you love and safeguard your kids even from death. It is the ultimate
> " grown up act" as far as my spouse and I are concerned. And yeah, parts of our families suck... so we have dear family friends as guardians for our kids. Someone they love and know. Someone strong enough to handle the BS from both families.


Well yeah, I agree in theory. But we don't have dear family friends that our kids know and love (well, we do, but none that would be remotely suitable as guardians, or even interested in taking on that role). Friends like that don't just pop out of nowhere because we want to be responsible, you know? The top contender family we mentioned are nice, but they live in a different city to us, and DD only remembers meeting them once (DS, not at all, but he's a newborn!). So if we "bequeathed" the kids to them, they'd not only lose their parents, but be separated from all the aunts and grandparents in our city. Which is also the main issue with my sister who lives in England - she's keen to take them, but dragging them halfway around the world after they just lost their parents doesn't seem fair. (Also, I don't know that she'd be able to support them financially... and she's kind of crazy. So there's that...)

Quote:


> Smokering, is there any way some of the people on your list could share custody, so the kids would have a better situation? Grandparents might be able to handle school days, and an aunt/uncle to have the kids on weekends where they take a lot more energy?


Ehhh... dunno. My parents homeschooled us, and would probably feel obliged to homeschool our kids too, because they know we plan to do it; so school days wouldn't really be low-maintenance! And even if they did put them in school, that's a lot of driving around, and Dad's getting older and really shouldn't be on the roads any more. Which brings up another issue - Dad's 64 (er, ish?), and may not even live to see my youngest sister reach adulthood. It doesn't seem fair to put our kids in a situation where they might lose two father-figures. Anyway, it's all moot, as Mum has tactfully informed us they don't really want to raise our progeny if we die.  They adore them, but they've raised six kids already, they're getting old and tired, and it just isn't a fair burden to place on them. I can actually see Mum changing her mind about it if we did die, but I can't exactly count on that. 

I do have one little sister who'd be awesome - she's only 15, but in a few years she'd be all growed up and more than capable of looking after them very well. But that doesn't seem fair on her - plunking two kids on a (presumably) single 18- or 20-year-old? Not to get all Jane Austen, but it might ruin her chances at matrimony.  Not to mention limiting her choice of career and so on. What if she wanted to backpack across Europe for a year?


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Smokering, we've waited so long on this for similar reasons, none of the people we know would be ideal guardians, but we finally decided that there are enough BAD options that we better at least choose someone so he doesn't end up in a worse situation than necessary!! We have chosen my sister, even though she's single and lives across the country and would probably struggle financially but I know she would bend over backwards to give our DS the best life possible. One thing that complicates the situation is that I do not want my parents spending time unsupervised with DS, so I'm hoping I can include a letter to my sis along with the will or something?? (Because I'm not ready to cause a big family fall-out by bringing it up while we're still alive!) We also have an aunt & uncle that I think could serve as backup guardians if my sister were not able to do it at the time of our death for whatever reason. The thing is, I don't want to ask them ahead of time, because it would get back to my parents, and it would cause a lot of hurt & tension in the family... so I'm thinking of just naming them in the will and hoping it never comes down to that, you know? I don't think any of this is ideal but I think it's much better than DS ending up with someone we don't trust AT ALL or who would not be able to raise DS in a way we feel is acceptable. I wish we had the *perfect* couple to serve as guardians and I REALLY wish we could be totally upfront with everyone involved but I will just do the best I can. Hopefully we won't die suddenly & it will never be an issue!









So it looks like going through a lawyer would be our best/safest route?? I'll have DH call around I guess, and get an idea of how much it will cost...

Also, how about appointing a temporary guardian if we were incapacitated but still living? I'm assuming you don't put that in the will, how do you do it? Again, probably unlikely that we would both be totally incapacitated & unable to communicate our wishes, but just in case, I'd like something 'official'...


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *crunchy_mommy*
> 
> The thing is, I don't want to ask them ahead of time, because it would get back to my parents, and it would cause a lot of hurt & tension in the family... so I'm thinking of just naming them in the will and hoping it never comes down to that, you know? .


I do applaud you on wanting to get this done but I strongly disagree with you on this point... the guardians need to be asked. It's completely unfair to will kids to somebody on the hope that they'd be okay with it. Not everyone is as upfront with health or financial issues.. you want your kids to have guardians who feel prepared for the task.
Ask your picks. Give them time to give you an answer. Most folks realize that you are honoring them by asking but you do not want your kids to be an unwelcome burden to anyone.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> I do applaud you on wanting to get this done but I strongly disagree with you on this point... the guardians need to be asked. It's completely unfair to will kids to somebody on the hope that they'd be okay with it. Not everyone is as upfront with health or financial issues.. you want your kids to have guardians who feel prepared for the task.
> Ask your picks. Give them time to give you an answer. Most folks realize that you are honoring them by asking but you do not want your kids to be an unwelcome burden to anyone.


They would be a backup to the appointed guardian... and there is no other option for a backup... I get what you're saying but I don't know if it's worth causing a family feud over something very unlikely to ever be an issue???


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Smokering*
> 
> Well yeah, I agree in theory. But we don't have dear family friends that our kids know and love (well, we do, but none that would be remotely suitable as guardians, or even interested in taking on that role). Friends like that don't just pop out of nowhere because we want to be responsible, you know?


Hmm, no one at all? You always seem online like you have your act together.. I'm really surprised that you would say this. Maybe you and the spouse should check your friend list a little better. For us, it came down to just a small number of core values...even if they had to re-locate the kids eventually.


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## Smokering (Sep 5, 2007)

Quote:


> Hmm, no one at all? You always seem online like you have your act together.. I'm really surprised that you would say this. Maybe you and the spouse should check your friend list a little better. For us, it came down to just a small number of core values...even if they had to re-locate the kids eventually.


First of all... I seem like I have my act together? Heh. Cool. Yeah, not so much. Maybe all MDCers should be required to put photos of their living rooms in their avatars, to prevent such misconceptions! 

Our friend list isn't that long, sadly. Between us, DH and I have approximately four close friends; all of whom are single, none of whom share our religious beliefs (which is pretty much non-negotiable for us in terms of custody), two of whom are male (which I guess shouldn't automatically discount them, but I'd rather give my kids to a woman, or preferably a couple), one of whom is frankly irresponsible, three of whom aren't financially stable, and one of whom doesn't like kids. They're just not suitable. I'm sure they'd all be flattered to be asked, but that doesn't mean we should ask them. If it weren't for the religious issue, the financial thing and the fact that she's single, one of them might be OK (and I think she'd be willing, she's joked about it), but those aren't minor considerations for us - at least not the religion thing. And she currently lives with her parents, who probably wouldn't be thrilled to have two young children show up...

Of the suitably-aged families we know who do share our religious views, there are no AP families. The family we currently have as our top contender (or default, if you like) is probably the most AP, but they're still vastly stricter and more structured than we are. They would undoubtedly vax our kids and send them to school, which aren't absolute dealbreakers, but not ideal from our POV either. They're still our top choice - they're open to adoption, have a few lovely kids of their own, and would be very responsible parents (and bring up our kids bilingual, which is pretty neat!); and obviously they're a better choice than rolling the dice with the foster care system. But they're still a provisional, if no-one-more-suitable-turns-up choice, because I'd much rather our kids ended up with a family in the same city as our families, with an AP mindset, and (in an ideal world) homeschooled.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Crunchy, I think you do need a will, and like another PP said, it's about $1000 USD. If you can't afford it, maybe try contacting a law school for reduced-fee/free legal clinics in your area, or start networking (here, on FB) and see if a friend of a friend knows someone who is an attorney and would draft a simple one for you pro bono.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

My DH is calling around to some places. It seems like we're in that annoying income bracket where you simultaneously make too little and too much... Hopefully we'll figure something out.

How about if you ever need to amend the will, is it another $1000 (or whatever) to make changes?


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

We just got this started. Our attorney offers the initial consultation (1-1.5 hours) free and his services are $250/hour after that. The will is $1000 to start with, so I think it's just the hourly rate for any updates later, which really shouldn't take much of his time unless you get complicated and fancy. (If you do have more complex needs, spend the extra few hundred up front and get a trust. With that, you'll have a will that basically points to the trust for most of the details. We didn't do this, b/c we don't have a lot of money and only one kid, but the attorney said if there are inheritances expected at some point, do a trust.)


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *swd12422*
> 
> We just got this started.


Good for you!


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## mandalamama (Sep 1, 2004)

i've been struggling with this issue, it's really difficult without legal help. i think (in my state at least) a living will (or advance directive) will cover any situation where i might become incapacitated, like a car accident or heart attack. but i'm pretty sure i need to have a will and name an executor for when i die, someone who will raise my daughter. i really, really should do this and get it over with, not put it off any longer. i've tried to call the free legal hotline in my state, it's only had a message saying "due to heavy call load, call back another time" for 4 years now! i don't know anyone in the legal profession i could ask for free advice. i've looked at a lot of the "free" online will makers, they seem pretty much the same form letters, i have no idea if they have a history of being effective.

deciding who would become the guardian of my girl is the hardest part. my family was tiny and distant and so many have passed on, i have no family contacts at all. my ex-husband's family is pretty big, but i only know his mom and his two sisters well enough to say that they would be fit parents for my girl. i think i need to set her grandma as my executor and let the family decide at the time it happens? i'm torn ... one of her aunts has two girls close in age to my girl (and may have another child? i don't know) and the other sister has no children (as far as i know) and i think she really wants a child. either would be good to raise my girl if i die. then again, they may not want anything to do with her. i've invited contact repeatedly, to no avail. my ex did tell me he's the black sheep of his entire family, i didn't believe him at the time but it's so true! it's been hard to get any kind of contact going, even email. the last contact we had was when Grammy came to visit last January, said she'd come visit again, but we never heard from her again. it's like, because of her dad being the black sheep, it rubs off on his daughter? i don't get that. i wish i knew a way to make things better.

anyway, i know i need to call Grammy and talk to her about this, get her daughters' numbers and talk to them also, but at this point i fear they'd just say they don't want anything to do with raising my girl in the event of my incapacitation or death. ugh, it's terrible to even have to say that! it's like, she's been punished for years for their dislike of me and the actions of her dad.







no fair!

i have friends, but they're either single and don't want children, or already have kids of their own and have very tight-knit families. we've been blessed to be invited to share in their family celebrations. i think one of my friends might be willing to raise my girl, if i asked her, but since she's not a legal relation i don't think she would have her for very long. then again, i could be wrong, the family may want nothing to do with my little girl. (hurts just thinking about it.)

my biggest fear, and why i keep putting this off - i think no matter what i say, no matter how formal a document is, my ex-husband would get custody. even if his family said they were willing to raise my girl, there's the chance they'd just hand her over to him. i can't let that happen! he physically harmed my girl at 15 months, he sexually abused her when she was 3, it took until this year to finally have the court settle on "no custody, no visitation unless the child and the child's therapist initiate 'supervised therapeutic visitation' only." all those papers will need to be on top of everything else, obviously. but then i have no idea if anyone would abide by what they say. i definitely need an executor! also someone with power of attorney for the living will.

i wonder, are the free online wills, the ones that go by your state, good enough? "you get what you pay for" is what i'm afraid of.

have any of you ever had to call a "distant" relative and ask them the tough question of whether they're willing to raise your child in the event of your death? has anyone been turned down?


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## mandalamama (Sep 1, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *Lisa1970*
> 
> A notorized letter in the event of your death to keep the children from going to the custody of the other parent will not work at all. The other parent WILL get the children, unless someone proves the other parent unfit and takes them away in a CPS fashion basically. No court or police officer or otherwise will hold up a notorized letter. Now, if you are talking you and the other parent are both dead, the last one to die gets to chose where the children go. I think the last one to die has to outlive the other parent by a certain period of time.


what about a properly signed and witnessed living will, or last will? do they always default to the other parent? i don't have anything stating my ex is "unfit," i just have a lot of different documents saying he can't have custody or visitation, even supervised. (and no suspension of parental rights, since the state is still trying to get him to pay back and current child support.) i wonder if a proper legal document will be valid over state lines, or is the child covered by her own jurisdiction when the parent(s) die?


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mandalamama*
> 
> what about a properly signed and witnessed living will, or last will? do they always default to the other parent?


A living will is more of a health care thing. it has nothing to do with your children or property. It gives a friend or loved one the power to make your health care decisions if you are incapacitated.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_will

And yes, any bio-parent still tops the list in the states unless they are serving jail time. A bio-grandparent is second on that list. I have a friend who has been a court clerk for many years... and that is what she says. She's seen kids returned to a parent they didn't even know. Kinda sad, but that's the current system.

So yes, you could go through the expense of making up a real will with a guardian, but your daughter might still be returned to your ex.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *philomom*
> 
> Hmm, no one at all? You always seem online like you have your act together.. I'm really surprised that you would say this. Maybe you and the spouse should check your friend list a little better. For us, it came down to just a small number of core values...even if they had to re-locate the kids eventually.


So...those of us who are lacking in close friendships are, like, total losers or something? I was actually feeling kind of down on myself about this, too, but then I saw that some of the other moms in my unschooling email list are in the same boat as me.

I DO see the importance of not just leaving all this to chance...but I'm finding myself hardput on how to grow that community of even a few people. I sure am working on it.


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## Mummoth (Oct 30, 2003)

One thing I found I had to accept (before SO was in the picture... and even now to an extent... I parent differently with him than without, I'm sure he would too!) was that NO-ONE would raise my kids the same way as I am... but my parents and my sisters... any decisions they'd make for the kids would be motivated by wanting the best for them. Kids are raised all sorts of different ways, and still grow up to be happy, well adjusted, productive people... that's the goal, right? Their lives are going to be different without me, the main thing is that they still feel loved and safe and supported. It's just really hard to admit they might be okay without us, I think.


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

Quote:


> Originally Posted by *mammal_mama*
> 
> So...those of us who are lacking in close friendships are, like, total losers or something?


I wasn't trying to be hurtful. And my family of origin and my in-law family have some real black sheep.... so my hubby and I have made it a priority to "make new family" even if they aren't blood relations. My life would be a desert without my friendships.

Anyway, I ran a new mother's support group for many years and I did have a local lawyer come in and do his spiel about family estate planning twice a year because I do believe this to be of the utmost importance.

And I forget who... but there is an MDC mom who was placed in foster care to finish growing up because her parents failed to take care of this little detail. She has a big soapbox about it and is quite bitter. Do you really want that for your kids?


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

Mammal_mama, I'm right there with you. We have few close friends and even fewer family members we'd be wild about raising DS. In the end, we chose the people who would love him and care for him the most, which ironically are also people who have WAY different values than we do when it comes to things like healthy eating, natural living, minimal toys/TV, open-ended play, etc. But they are the people who would truly love him, make sure he got through school, make sure he felt loved and supported, and make sure he grows up to be a well-mannered, kind human being (who might use lots of disposable paper products, but hey, he won't be perfect if I get to finish raising him either!). I let go of the religious thing. It's just not as important to me as him being raised with love, acceptance, and good values. He will get those regardless of the guardian family's religion b/c I chose someone who has good values.

It was a hard decision, as everyone we thought about had SOMETHING that wasn't quite right. In the end, we just considered the broader, bigger picture. Who will make sure he grows up to be self-supportive? Who will love him the most? Who has the most supportive home/family environment? The rest (environmental consciousness, healthy eating, exercise, etc.) will be in a letter to him. And you can include letters to the guardian family about your hopes for your child(ren) and how you want to raise them (i.e., if eating organic or vegan is important to you). It is NOT enforceable by the court, but if you provide this kind of information in a letter that accompanies the will, they will see it, and with any luck, at least try to incorporate those values into their raising of your child. (And I guess that's another thing to consider: Who will look at the letter and at least try to do the things you outline in there?)

PS - My letter to him started when he came home to us. I am not a scrapbooking type, but wanted a record of his babyhood since he was adopted, and ended up writing a serial letter to him, telling him all about whatever phase he was in at the time, how we felt, what was going on in his life. At some point, I realized that if something does happen to us, he will still have stories about what he was like when he was a baby.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

SWD, thank you for sharing! You have some great ideas, and I agree that the family doesn't have to perfectly mirror our lifestyle; the important thing is love.

As well as not wanting foster care, I also wouldn't want my children to be split up.

I'm afraid that for us, even coming up with the cheap amount of a few hundred dollars is overwhelming at this time. But we do get a large tax return every year; we simly *have* to make it a priority this coming February to get it all done.


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I'm glad you found that helpful. It has been REALLY hard for me to get to that place. (We have been waffling about this for nearly 2 years!) All anyone kept saying was, "Don't worry about that. You'll be dead, and it won't matter." Well, no, I won't know he's being raised on sugar cereal in front of violent and inappropriate TV, but HE will! But it did help me choose which battles to fight and which to let go.

I would definitely seek legal aid, and contact as many attorneys' offices as you can. I would hope this is still true, but someone once told me that doctors and lawyers generally keep a certain percentage of their practices pro bono/reduced rate as a community service type of thing. And I think they can claim the "free" time they offer on taxes, so I'd hope there are still good ones out there doing that. It can't hurt to ask. This is important enough that SOMEBODY should be able to help you, offer you free services, or at least a payment plan so it doesn't have to wait.

And the part about the kids staying together: make sure whoever you choose is willing/able to take them all! Talk to them beforehand and have two backups in line also.


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## crunchy_mommy (Mar 29, 2009)

One more question, how does anyone know that you've created a will & how to access it??? Is that something the lawyer handles (is there a state 'will registry' or something???) Sorry if that sounds dumb, I just can't figure out how someone would access it (or even remember the name of our lawyer if we told them in advance) in the event of our death???

And if I include a letter, can I update it as necessary? Will the lawyer be used to a letter being included with the will?


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## swd12422 (Nov 9, 2007)

I think the will gets registered with the state (it becomes a public record). That's part of why it costs $1000 to get a will -- the lawyer files all kinds of paperwork with the court to get it on record. I believe you will have a copy of it to either provide copies for your family members or to just keep (in a safe place) until the time comes. My parents have theirs in a safe deposit box, and I have access to it, so if something happens to both of them I can go and get it out. It's probably enough just to have a file in a desk drawer or something that's obvious, so that if something happens, your family can find it easily. And even if they can't, the court will have it on record.


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## muldey (May 8, 2002)

I've been thinking about this for a while now.I'm so afraid if something happens to me,dd and ds will go to my exh.He's currently in prison for not paying child support,and is a homeless severe violent alcoholic.He's never been violent with our kids,but he's been violent in front of them and that is almost as bad.If he goes to rehab and is succesful,and gets a job and an apartment,and maintains that for quite a while,it would be different.I want my parents to share custody.The kids don't know exh's side very well.

My best friend needs to make a will ASAP.She has severe heart problems,she almost died a couple of weeks ago.She doesn't want her dd to go to her father,who she doesn't know and is a crack addict,her parents have passed away,and her sisters don't bother with her.The father's parents have passed as well.She wants her to go to me.But since we're not blood relatives,I don't know how that would work.She's terrified of her going into foster care and never seeing any of us again,and the thought terrifies me as well.My parents have adopted her like their own grandchild.All she has is her mama's friends.She's very close to me and my kids(I'm her auntie and my kids are her cousins for all she knows),and my bf knows she would be raised as my own child.I would put my bf as 2nd gaurdian after my own parents,but with all her health issues,and the fact that she just could not afford it in any way,plus she has a hard time dealing with ds's autism,I really can't.But I know if she could,she would love them and care for them like her own.

I'm also trying to get my dad to make a will,he doesn't have much,and I am his only child so I'm sure it would all go to me,but I'm worried about the house.He wants me to use his insurance to pay it off so I have a place to live,I live here now so I think the courts would take that into consideration,but you never know.My mom has very little,no car,no house,and very little material things,so she's not too worried about it.I'm her only child,so I would take care of everything.It scares me so much to think of making a will and my parents and best friend making a will,as I don't want anything to happen,but unfortunatly things do.I wish I had a brother or sister to help out,but I'm on my own.Hopefully it won't be for a very long time.


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## goldenwillow (Jan 5, 2010)

Oh thank you ladies, very helpful.

I am grateful to have read through this thread as this has been on our minds for quite some time. We too have struggled with WHO will be the best fit and would have our kiddos best interest in their hearts.

Called around today... man these folks are expensive! Money well spent, nonetheless. Scheduled a consultation to go chit chat.

In your experiences with this... Did you forget or leave out something that was really important to you? Gosh... I was just nervous talking on the phone about it, KWIM?

We have spoke about appointing my husband's mother and a dear friend (single) whom has a child already as well as dear friends (married) that have 3 kiddos already. They are the only folks that I would never imagine crushing my kiddos spirit. I am in the same boat as a few other mamas here about some family members being an unsuitable fit.

I appreciate the idea of a letter written by us to the potential guardians regarding wishes about food choices, non-vax, school issues, etc.

Gotta be done. Thank you again for the helpful hints and details.


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