# Here is our story....



## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

It was Saturday afternnon when I first became concerned that I had not felt the baby move in some time. By 9 o clock, after I had had a big glass of juice and a bath, I was sure something was wrong. I called the midwife and she said I could go to the ER if I wanted to, but either everything was all right or, or it wasn't, we could not do anything. After waking up and talking with my husband, I decided we would go the next day after church.

When I got home with the older two, Brian and Andrew were ready to go. We went to the midwife's, saying little on the long drive. She turned on the ultrasound- no heartbeat. Doppler- none. She hugged us and we cried.

Then the midwife went to make some phone calls. We got ready to go. I called a freind in my church, and Brian called our neighbor to come be with the kids. Then we got in the van and headed to the hospital, for the hardest night of our lives.

When we got home, our neighbor and her son were waiting. We dropped the kids of quickly and headed for the hospital. How to describe the experience? Aside from getting admitted there was paperwork, questions to be answered. Did we want a lock of hair, pictures, a hat and gown? One of the pastors came to call, and prayed with us. Then I was taken for a breif ultrasound. The tech and a doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat. The small shred of hope I had been clinging to died. The doctor on call asked if I wanted to induce now or wait untilt he next day. I decided it would be best to have this part over with, and Pitocin was started. I had decided that while I had had three natural births, there was no reason to do that this time. After all, why do we avoid drugs in labor? Our newest pastor came to visit. It turns out this was her first pastoral care call. She has been so very wonderful. She stayed over an hour, listening to us, praying with us and reading the Scriptures. After she lest I dozed on and off through the labor. At about 2-3 cm, the doctor broke my water. He said the meconium was clear, which indicated that whatever has caused our baby's death, it happened so fast that if I had headed to the ER when it happened, they could not have saved him. And that he had not suffered for a moment. At some point my midwife arrived. At some point I asked first for Stadol, and when that was not enough, I was given morphine. Although it was the shortest of my labors by about half, it was the most painful. I cannot describe to some one who has not done it, the difference between birthing a living baby and one who was not. Just about the point I decided I would have an epidural, the doctor told me I was at a 9. My midwife got me up on my knees, and within minutes I was able to push. One of the memories I will able to cherish is his small warm body as I pushed it out. He was placed on my belly, wrapped in a warmed towel, and I held him and cried. Pictures were taken. Hubby had called pastor about the time I started pushing and she arrived soon after his birth. She performed a breif naming ceremony and it meant so so much to have her lay hands on him and pray with us at that time. My midwife had to go ( she had not slept) and she signed a cross on his head before leaving. We had time alone with him, About an hour and a half after his birth it was time to go to the nursery.
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After the nurse helped me get cleaned up, it was time to go to the nursery. I refused a wheelchair and we walked, my husband holding one hand and Pastor holding the other. He was weighed- 4 lb, 13 oz, and measured- 19 inches. So big for 33 weeks! Foot prints and handprints were made on a birth certificate. A little gown and blanket were chosen from the hospital's stores. When I became so tired I needed to get back to my room, I was given my baby to hold. His hands...so like Andrew's, with the long fingers- his long feel too. Matthew's chin and Olivia'snose. I couldn't stop kissing his hands and nose. I cried again over him. After I handed him back to the nurse, Pastor walked me back to my room while my husband stayed with baby Brian a bit longer. I slept, and Brian went home to shower and spend a few hours with our kids. He offered them the chance to come see their brother, and they chose not to.
After I woke up, the nurse tried to get me to eat. After I refused to pick anything from the menu, she ordered a sandwich and fries and ordered me to eat. Brian came back We had to fill out the death certificate and contact the funeral home. I didn't want to, I really didn't want to. Just listening to my husband make arrangements for them to come pick up our baby's body was too hard.

Then, it was almost time to go. The nurse brought us little Brian for the last time. I held him and she took pictures of us with him. Brian did not feel able to hold him again. Just before I gave him back to the nurse, I kissed his little forhead goodbye. It was cold, so cold. She had not even wheeled the little crib out of the room before we were sobbing in each other's arms. I got dressed and she brought us the memory box the nursery had prepared. The little gown and blanket were there, a card with a lock of his hair and a locket for it...and a tiny stuffed tiger. We cried again- his big brothers both adore tigers, and the oldest has a huge stuffed one. having said our goodbyes, we left our baby and returned to the rest of our family.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Yesterday I had a call from a neighbor, whom I had left a message to call me...I know her from LLL and the homeschool group. She and her husband lost a little boy at one month 11 years ago. We talked and cired on the phone and a little later she called bRian to say they would bring dinner.

It was Brian's birthday and I insisted on making the cake we had planned. He tried to dissuade because, well, if you know him he never picks something simple, and he picks something different every year. But I NEEDED to do it.

Our neighbors came over with chili and a card. We talked and cried some more. They asked to see pictures so I cued up the slide show. (We don't have photo copies yet). They talked about how when one of them was weak, the other seemed to be strong. That is reassuring because I am just taking and taking from Brian now, and he is wonderful but I worry he is neglecting his nees to mourn. He has been cleaning and re-arranging the house like crazy.

Then we had birthday cake, and ended up crying together at the table. The kids greif as a friend said is erratic. They need both time and space to greive but also heaping doses of normality. I know I have to start, eventually giving them that normality but as it is I can barely eat unless I am forced to, how can I take them to activities and do all that other stuff? I don't feel strong enough to be the first person to go somewhere. Cheryl is going to the produce market ahead of us so we don't have to explain. I feel terrible asking people to do that. I really am not all that strong.


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## tug (Jun 16, 2003)

you seem really strong to me.

i'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy.


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## Octobermama (May 1, 2002)

Bless you during this very difficult time.


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## Marlet (Sep 9, 2004)

Sending warm vibes your way and wishing you an easy recovery.

Your story is so sad! I don't think I have cried so hard before. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. There isn't much I can say or do but to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family.


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## amyjeans (Jul 27, 2004)

oh Mama. my heart aches to hear such a story. Please know youare in my thoughts.


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## Breathless Wonder (Jan 25, 2004)

I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you.


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## shalena (May 31, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss momma.


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## ctdoula (Dec 26, 2002)

I am SO SO SO SO SO deeply sorry for your loss!














I wish there was something I could do, some way to help.

I'll be thinking of you & your family!!!!!


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

I amso sorry.








If you are comfortable sharing your sons pic, I would love to see your beautiful angel.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!!!


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## crayon (Aug 24, 2002)

I am so deeply sorry for your loss







to you and your family...








for your little Brian


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## heket (Nov 18, 2003)

I am so sorry, mama.









You are true to your MDC name. Such courage and grace in such a difficult situation.








Sending you and your family healing energy.


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## proudmamanow (Aug 12, 2003)

Oh sweet mama, I'm so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little Brian.


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## lactivist02 (Feb 6, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.









Michelle


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## Stream (Jul 12, 2004)

Oh no. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, mama.


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## Artisan (Aug 24, 2002)

I am so sorry, mama.


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Jenna,
I am deeply moved by your experience, and sorry for your loss. I had to have a c-section due to an unfavorable cervix and high blood pressure. Our son Luke was delivered at 10:15 p.m. Coming to this website and telling your story is a big step in helping you go through the greiving. I think that it has helped me. I still have a hard time and realize that it will take a long time, as for me it has only been three weeks. But, just knowing that I can come here day or night and share thoughts about Luke with people who understand is a big help.

My thoughts are with you tonight

Sarah


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Here is a picture of him.....

http://pictures.hypergeek.org/galler...ma&id=DSCN0129

Thank you for all your warm words....this is such a tough journey and I hope as time goes on I can begin to give back.


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## iris0110 (Aug 26, 2003)

I am so sorry for your loss. Brian is a beautiful little boy. It is especially hard to greive and care for other children. Be gentle with yourself. You will find yourself more and more able to do all of these things as time passes. Your children will be ok even if you don't take them out to activities right away. When my daughter died just before Christmas in 2003 I was desperate to give ds a normal Christmas. I didn't even get out of the hospital until late on the 23rd and Arawyn's funeral was on Christmas eve. I forced myself to go through all of the motions of a normal Christmas. You know I don't think that ds even cared. I think I did it more because I needed something to concentrate on. What I am trying to say is that you should do what you feel like you need to do, don't push yourself.


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## Irishmommy (Nov 19, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## taradt (Jun 10, 2003)

to you Mama

Brian is beautiful and thank yo ufor sharing him with us.

i wish there was something i could say to make things even a bit easier, we are here for you during this very hard time that no mother should ever have to go through

take care

tara


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## sarah9774 (Feb 19, 2005)

Jenna,

What a beautiful boy Brian is!! I did not think to take pictures, I only wish I could have brought myself to hold him.. I was so scared.. I am waiting for the pictures from the hospital to come. They say it takes at least a month. I am glad you shared Brian's picture.. It makes me think of my Luke and what he looked like. My thoughts are with you.

Sarah


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## sunbaby (Sep 30, 2002)

i am so sorry.


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## Simply Nurtured (Nov 6, 2004)

I am so sorry to hear that your precious son was stillborn...

You are in my thoughts and prayers~


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## saritabeth (Jun 25, 2004)

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Your post really moved me. I wish I could make time pass faster for you.

Your family is lucky to have such a mama.


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## wheezie (Sep 18, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss.







It's so hard to try to grieve and be there for your surviving kids at the same time. One thing I was not aware of, is that children grieve just like adults. It *really* shocked me to see the depth of Emmie's grief, and she was only 3.5 at the time. If you ever need to talk, I'm just a pm away.

Reva


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## Mom4tot (Apr 18, 2003)

I am so very sorry


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## Bethla (May 29, 2004)

Sending you a hug and a little strength your way.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

I wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Brian. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Angela


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Thanks so much everyone.

Sara, I am so sorry you did not get to hold Luke


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

So sorry for your loss.


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## berkeleyp (Apr 22, 2004)

Take care of yourself mama!


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## 3babiesin2years (Oct 15, 2004)

I am so sorry for your loss. It's like being in a club that no one wants to be a part of. Fortunately the pain does gets easier. God has been the almighty comforter for me and I pray that you will turn to him now during this hard time.


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## KatherineinCA (Apr 4, 2002)

I am so very sorry about your sweet son. Your story really resonated with me. My fourth baby was stillborn, too, and I was also homeschooling my older children at the time. How old are your living children? I think one of the hardest things for me was trying to keep going for them, especially because I was responsible for their schooling, and also supporting them in their grief while I grieved. My twin son and daughter were 8, and my second son was 2 1/2 when their brother Kevin was stillborn at 38 weeks. I also felt that I needed to get them to their activities, but I really regret that. If I could do it over, I would have kept us all home for many weeks, I wish I had stayed home as much as possible for 2-3 months. I know that's not very realistic, but I really flipped out around the 3-month mark, and I think it was largely because I had kept myself too busy to grieve fully enough. As I look back, I think cocooning together for a while would have been so good for our family.

A good book is "When Children Grieve" by John James and Russell Friedman. I have referred to it often. Their grief has been so intense, and it's always there. Just today, my daughter picked out a little blue baby bootie charm for her charm bracelet, and spent some time crying for her brother. And it's been two years and four months for us. Even my little guy will be acting out sometimes, and when I get him talking, he starts asking about his brother. I hope all this doesn't overwhelm you, I only wanted to share with you some things I learned and to validate that yes, it's really tough to feel your own grief while supporting your kids in theirs.

I'm so sorry about your sweet baby Brian, and I'm sending love and support to you and your family as you experience this pain.

Love,
Katherine


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## lovelittleb (Dec 19, 2003)

Oh Mama









I cry with you. Your story of baby Brian was beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

Thank you for sharing Brian's picture. He is beautiful! Big boy too!

How are you doing? I think of you and Brian everday!


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## Ms. Mom (Nov 18, 2001)

I'm so sorry for your loss of little Brian







I looked at the picture you posted. What a beautiful and perfect child.

Thank you so much for sharing him with us. How are you feeling now? With older children at home, it must be hard to find the time you need to grieve. Please remember to take some time out for yourself so that you may reflect and heal - many hugs to you mamma


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## Qerratsmom (Sep 22, 2004)




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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

Gosh...I'm having a hard time. I keep going over EVERYTHING I did in the days leading to his (estimated) death, trying to figure out what *I* did wrong. I am really caught at the place of, he was in my body, so his death is my fault. But I am in counseling- my husband is worried about that.

This week is very busy, we are planning his memorial for Saturday.


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## AngelBee (Sep 8, 2004)

warriorprincess...you are a great mother! It is not your fault.


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## warriorprincess (Nov 19, 2001)

I just had a good long talk with my MW, going over things, and she has re-assured me they could not have been the cause.

It is so frustrating to see how little research there is on stillbirth.


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## aswbarry (Jan 31, 2005)

warriorprincess,
I just wanted to let you know you have been close to my heart lately. I lost my daughter on Nov. 28th at 39 weeks. I remember those first weeks as being quite a blur, I think I was in shock for a long time. Please be easy on yourself, I know the frustration of thinking why did this happen, and what did I do or not do...and you could really drive yourself crazy with those kinds of questions. I hope you are finding time to just grieve for your beautiful son and I will be thinking about you and your family on Saturday. Hang in there.
Angela


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## scheelimama (Aug 2, 2003)

I'm so sorry mama for your loss.







I truly can not imagine the pain you must be feeling. Know that your life will return to normal eventually, but for now, take the time to grieve. Your kids will be okay.


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