# shhhhh i had a miscarriage (and i still can't believe it was me)



## makawee (Jan 23, 2005)

i'm carrying this weight. sometimes afraid to openly talk about it. people feel bad for me, worried for themselves - and don't want the energy to rub off on them.

i saw some totally beautiful mamas at the beach today - pregnant and carressing their belly. and i only feel for myself, sad i don't have a baby in there. sad i won't get to carress my belly - ok well i could but that would be just wrong. needless to say i didn't talk to her.

the longing of the belly. the longing of the baby.

i wanted three kids. i have two living. i wonder if the third baby was here to enlighten me. make me more of a woman. give me strength that i need. more than a living baby would. am i being prepared for something.

my dear baby is still in the freezer and the lilacs are dying (that was the overriding scent these last few weeks). it's only been 27 days.

my baby has a name. my baby has a gender.

the love/longing will last my lifetime and maybe more.


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## Plady (Nov 20, 2001)

I'm sorry for your loss.


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## aileen (Jan 23, 2006)

makawee -
mama i am sorry for your pain but i know the place you are in so well.
i remember being shocked and surprised by anger and longing.
i remember wallowing and flying, soaring and crashing.
it is beautiful, in its own way, and difficult, but you are so strong and brave for allowing yourself to be where you are, and feel this heartwrench.
i am different. it has only been about six months for me. but i no longer struggle with the pain and sadness. both are present, but are starting to be so in a settled kind of way.
my longing is real, but now, somehow, peaceful.
i'll be thinking of you.
please come back here to release some of this pressure and grief. others here have helped me carry the load you now bear.
sometimes i think these small threads in this forum are the most powerful.
this thread brought me so much healing.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=407474
again. i'll be thinking of you.
i'm so sorry.
it is so much harder than i ever could have imagined.
much love.


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## mother culture (Oct 19, 2004)

I wish for light to fill that empty place mama. We need pregnancy loss suport in every town in a circle of women supporting women. You could start a healing circle when you feel stronger. Blessings.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss


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## UrbanEarthMom (Jul 20, 2004)

What a terrible loss, I'm so sorry.


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## makawee (Jan 23, 2005)

lst weekend i had some of my maternity clothes on freecycle. i think the mama i had arranged a pickup with never called back because she googled my username and found out i had a miscarriage.

i am doing ok. seeing pregnant mamas all the time, wishing i still had a baby inside me. i know that things happen for a reason, but this escapes me.

i got my period last wednesday. that was kind of the final thing i was waiting for. the return of my 'fertility'. my keeper hurt when i put it in. the blood smelled different.

my mom had a miscarriage. she never really talked about it. i will be telling my daughter and talking about it. well for that matter i'll be telling my son too.


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## valmc (Apr 30, 2006)

I am sorry for your loss. It's good to talk about it though as it can help you deal. Mine was a month ago and I still can't believe it. No one can tell you how long to grieve is too long because it will always be with you we just have to learn to move on. I think of it all the time. When I am passing a pregnant women in the mall, when I change the channel and see the discovery channel and women giving birth. I have no children and fear I will go through this again but just try to be strong and think of the future.


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## Gray's Mommy (Jul 8, 2005)

I am so sorry for your loss. Some days are easy and some days are really bad. I hope your heart heals soon.


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