# No Rainbow for us



## sadkitty (Jun 24, 2004)

I gave birth to my stillborn Juniper two weeks ago tonight. He died inside me at 38 weeks. We don't know why. There is no word from the hospital.

He was going to be my triumph. Finally a home waterbirth after a traumatic hospital birth and then a c-section.

He had the hiccups in the morning on Saturday January 23rd, that was the last time I ever felt him move.

We tried for over a week to get my body to go into labor after his heart stopped beating. I didn't want him to decay inside me while we waited for my body to get with the program. Finally I gave up everything and went to the hospital for an induction.

I did get to push him out and even caught him myself. He was only 4#6oz. and 20 inches long. His head was so mushy, but his little hands were so very perfect. Not the triumphant VBAC I had worked so hard for, but the best I'll ever have. We washed him carefully and dressed him in the same outfit his big brother wore home from the hospital and a hat and socks I had knit for him. We held him for 12 hours. One night of pretending our family was whole.

There is a huge baby shaped hole in my heart, in the universe, everywhere.

My DH got a vasectomy two months ago. He would never go through that again, not to undo it and possibly have to endure another loss.

There will be no Rainbow, even though all I can think of to make it feel better is to fill that hole, have another baby. But we never will.


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## Mosaic (Jun 20, 2005)

I'm so, so sorry.








Juniper


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I am so very sorry. What a beautiful name you chose for your son.

We are here to honour him with you and support you through the painful, long path of grief.


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## coffee.caugh (Apr 9, 2009)

i'm so sorry


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I'm so very sorry.

Juniper









There's so much support here. Feel free to PM any of us if you just want to talk.


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## tinynyota (Apr 13, 2009)

I am so very sorry.


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## meredyth0315 (Aug 16, 2007)

I'm so, so sorry. There just aren't any words, but lots of love to you and your family






























Juniper


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## someonenamedleah (Jul 23, 2009)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Juniper. My heart is just aching for you.


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## Babina's Mommy (Dec 27, 2008)

I'm so sorry.


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

Grieving with you - unfortunately all of us here share that same hole in our hearts though others can't see it.

We're here.

I'm so very sorry you lost your precious Juniper. Deepest hugs from my broken heart to yours.


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## Vermillion (Mar 12, 2005)

Oh mama... I'm SO sorry... So, so sorry
















Juniper


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## PrettyHippie (Oct 8, 2009)

Oh mama...there are just no words. So many here have been right where you are. Know we are all here for you.


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## CherryBomb (Feb 13, 2005)

I'm so sorry


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## painefaria (Jul 4, 2007)

oh sadkitty... no words that I can say can even express the pain that you must be feeling. I will be thinking of you and your family.















Juniper


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

So sorry that you don't have your sweet baby in your arms
















Juniper


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## *04Mom07* (May 21, 2006)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Juniper


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Oh what a heartbreak... and a double loss to think of never even getting a chance at a rainbow.









I'm so very very sorry. I wish there were more words that could express how much.








Juniper









What a beautiful name.


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## finnegansmom (Jul 15, 2007)

I am so so sorry for your loss.
















Juniper


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## NotBroken (Oct 4, 2007)

Juniper


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## LouisianaMomma (Mar 25, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Oh, mama, I'm so sorry.







My heart breaks for you. So, so sorry.














We're here for you.
















Juniper


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I am so sorry.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

I'm so sorry for your loss.








Juniper


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## mothergoose518 (Feb 3, 2010)

Oh mama!!! (BIGGEST HUGS!!!)


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry.

Juniper









Feel free to talk about anything and everything. We'll understand.







I know there were so many things I wanted to ask about, vent about, just say to ANYONE after my dd was stillborn years ago. This was probably the one place I felt like I could do that.


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## crpsmnwife (Aug 17, 2007)

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Juniper.


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## calmom (Aug 11, 2002)

Oh, I'm so sorry that you've lost Juniper. I have always loved that name, it's so beautiful. Like pp said, it is a double loss to know that you won't be trying again. I'm so, so sorry.

I hope you can hang around here and get some comfort from those of us who have been there. This place was (and is still) the place I know I can always be understood. That is so important.

(((hugs)))


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## kalamos23 (Apr 11, 2008)

I am so so sorry. I wish I had better words to say, but know that you are in my thoughts and my heart is breaking for you.


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## lisa_nc (Jul 25, 2008)

I'm so sorry.


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## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)

Juniper

I am so sorry..


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Mama, I am so very, very sorry. I can only hang my head and tell you how sorry I am, because I understand about the wanting another baby and I wish I could just cuddle you. If you took pictures, here is the place to share how beautiful your babe was, because we all see each other's gorgeous babe's for what they are: beautiful little children.

We will all be here for you on this journey - nobody wants to be here, but since you are, this is also the place to find love, and healing.

*HUGE, enormous, massive hugs mama* XXXXX


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## Emerging butterfly (May 7, 2009)

It really IS so hard when you know you won't be ending your birthing life...with life. I hear you mama. I'm there with you. ((JUNIPER...MAMA))


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## InstinctiveMom (Jul 12, 2004)

Oh, mama... how heartbreaking








I'm so very, very sorry for your family.






















Juniper


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## momoftworedheads (Mar 6, 2003)

I am so sorry Mama. Lots of







s to you and your family.

Remember Juniper Always.

Take care,

Jen


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## dziejen (May 23, 2004)

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby and the pain you are feeling. My heart is aching for you.


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

I am so very sorry.







Juniper


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## HeatherKae (Jun 4, 2006)

I'm so so sorry. My broken heart breaks a little more for you.


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## claddaghmom (May 30, 2008)




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## StarMama (Jun 25, 2002)

Oh mama. I'm so so sorry. I'm glad you got to birth your little Juniper into your own hands, my positive birthing experience with Fiona I cling to (as positive as it can be when you know your baby has already passed).

Do you have pictures you'd like to share?


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## sept04mama (Mar 3, 2004)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Juniper.







Be gentle with yourself and remember that these days of intense grief are (thankfully) numbered. Peace, love, and hugs, mama.


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## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

oh, i am so so sorry for your loss. i am thinking of you and sending you peace and strength. go easy on yourself during your grief process.


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## ecstaticmama24 (Sep 20, 2006)

I'm so sorry mama.


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## sadkitty (Jun 24, 2004)

I do have pictures. I took some with my phone and my sister took professional ones. She made me hard copies, but I can't scan them in. His head was very smooshy and looks distorted in the pictures, so I don't really want to post them anyway.

I spend a great deal of time visualizing vasectomy failure. How messed up is that?

I also get really really sad when I think of all the "stuff" (co-sleeper, diapers I made, tiny little clothes, etc...) sitting in storage that we will never get to use but, like the milk in my breasts, I can't bear to give up.


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## Symbi (Jul 19, 2008)

My heart aches for you. I am so, so sorry.


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