# Raising a Brat



## boigrrrlwonder (Jan 18, 2007)

I really struggle with wondering if my kid is a brat. Reading gentle discipline stuff, I've tried to say, "Yes" to her as much as possible, but I'm starting to wonder if I say, "Yes" too much. I struggle keeping the house clean and food cooked because I let her take so much of my time playing with her. She constantly insists that I sit somewhere or stand somewhere or go get this or that. And in isolation, none of that stuff is a big deal - but cumulatively, I sort of feel like she's running my life. Part of me thinks that she's a baby at less than two years - of course she's running my life. But part of me hears my partner's co-workers talking about it being important for kids to know who the boss is. And I know sometimes I feel resentful - particularly when I just want her to let me make food because I'm starving and she's having a huge fit because I won't go play with her (and she doesn't want to help me make food) - and maybe we wouldn't have these problems if I more consistently made her wait? I don't know. Where's the line between permissive and taking a child's wants and needs into consideration?


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

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## Carlyle (Mar 31, 2007)

I'm always hesitant to post here, because I'm SO not an expert! But here's my 2 cents--it has to work for everyone in the family. You are a person too, and if you are feeling resentful, it's not good for you or your dd.

I wouldn't do things just to "let her know who's boss," but I do sometimes say "I'm cooking dinner right now, I will play blocks with you as soon as I get the onions chopped" or stuff like that. Yes, she cries (and hangs on my leg), and it sucks. But I do try to honor her needs--"It looks like you're upset that I can't play blocks with you now--do you want to stand here with me and watch me chop the food? Or help me pour the rice into the pot? Or I can carry you on my back?" But usually that doesn't work and she just needs to get cry out her disappointment.

I honestly think that it's good for her to learn to manage that disappointment--I'm not doing it to deliberately thwart her or anything, but it helps her see that I am a person with needs too, and she does get over it and play by herself (sometimes). And sometimes she keeps crying, so I check in with her every once in a while to let her know that I see that she's upset and to reassure her that I'll be able to play with her as soon as I'm done with whatever (and I don't make her wait TOO long)

For me, the line is whenever I'm feeling super frustrated or resentful. That's not good for my dd, you know? If I'm hungry and cranky, I need something to eat. Period. And I will let her know that I love her, and will play with her as soon as I have a sandwich, but I AM going to get a sandwich now because I need to, I'm sorry that she's sad. Good luck! It's weird to transition from them being the "Baby" who really does need you to cater to them, to being the "child" who can learn that you have needs too.


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## Vancouver Mommy (Aug 15, 2007)

I think with all elements of AP and GD you need to keep the bigger picture in mind. Ask yourself why GD was important to you in the first place. For me it was my desire to raise adults who have a sense of compassion, gentleness, value (self-esteem), responsibility and independent thought. GD children, I think, tend to be more cheeky and questioning of authority at times. I suppose this is the alternative to an unquestioning, fear-based adherence to authority. In many ways obedient children are easier to "manage". But our role as parents is more than "managing". My goal for my kids is that they value themselves highly enough to make the very best decisions. I know that my parents "traditional" approach to discipline and communication was directly related to some poor decisions I made as a young adult. I think that mainstream discipline causes kids to become rebellious and often obnoxious. I would like my kids to question social norms, values, authorities, ideas in a way that lets them engage in productive exploration and independent thought. I'm not sure if this makes sense and I certainly don't claim to be an expert all the time, but these are the long-term goals that I try and keep in mind.


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## theretohere (Nov 4, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boigrrrlwonder* 
I really struggle with wondering if my kid is a brat. Reading gentle discipline stuff, I've tried to say, "Yes" to her as much as possible, but I'm starting to wonder if I say, "Yes" too much. I struggle keeping the house clean and food cooked because I let her take so much of my time playing with her. She constantly insists that I sit somewhere or stand somewhere or go get this or that. And in isolation, none of that stuff is a big deal - but cumulatively, I sort of feel like she's running my life. Part of me thinks that she's a baby at less than two years - of course she's running my life. But part of me hears my partner's co-workers talking about it being important for kids to know who the boss is. And I know sometimes I feel resentful - particularly when I just want her to let me make food because I'm starving and she's having a huge fit because I won't go play with her (and she doesn't want to help me make food) - and maybe we wouldn't have these problems if I more consistently made her wait? I don't know. Where's the line between permissive and taking a child's wants and needs into consideration?


I don't think anyone really needs to be the boss in the traditional way of thinking about it. Every member of the family is important, though, and no one is more important then anyone else. This means that your DC is important and needs her needs (and wants) met, but so do you!
I think it is completely reasonable to tell your DC that you can not play for a few minutes while you make food or clean a mess that needs cleaning.


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## sebandg'smama (Oct 29, 2005)

Perhaps you can try including her into your tasks?


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Toddlers require most of your time. That's a fact of life. However, when you are letting your basic needs, then something is out of whack. As a pp said, she's transitioned from being a baby to being someone who needs to work as part of a family. It's a long, slow process.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *boigrrrlwonder* 
And I know sometimes I feel resentful - particularly when I just want her to let me make food because I'm starving and she's having a huge fit because I won't go play with her (and she doesn't want to help me make food)

This is where the transition from baby to child comes in. As a baby, your goal is to prevent crying because that's their only way to communicate. And for an infant, want = need. As a child gets older, the two are no longer the same. One of the things that the toddler needs to learn is that they will survive these big emotions.

If I've figured her age right, she's somewhere between 18 and 24 months. This was the age of pretty big separation anxiety and frustration for my kids, and it was very draining. Once my kids got more verbal (about 18 months for dd, 20-21 months for ds), life got easier. Personally, I found that the 2s were much easier than the period from 18-24 months.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Oh and I wanted to add, that I don't think a child under 3 can really be a 'spoiled', no matter how needy they are. They're toddlers. They don't have the capacity to understand someone else's needs. Remember, these are kids who 'hide' by covering their eyes. If they can't see you, you can't see them! So, if they're not hungry, you're not hungry! And they have no sense of time to figure out that in 30 minutes they WILL be hungry.

Even older kids are hard to 'spoil' -- mostly I think that happens by failing to meet a child's emotional needs. Some parents try to deny those. Some parents try to substitute things. Others just don't have time. But if a child feels really insecure, they won't be able to think of anyone but themselves - which is my definition of spoiled.


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## lolar2 (Nov 8, 2005)

Sometimes it helps DS wait for an extra few seconds if I sing. "This is the way mommy makes the sandwich so early in the morning" or whatever-- just pick a tune and sing what you're doing to it, doesn't have to rhyme or anything!


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

With my kids, my focus was teaching (and modeling) good manners, and it can be hard to keep everything in balance. YEs, it's not that big a deal if you stand over here or over there, and sometimes it's just best to "give in" and not start a fight over something little and unimportant.

But I'd always insist on at least being spoken to politely and in a respectful tone of voice, to the limits of their verbal ability. To a newly talking 1yo, "juice!!!" was a huge step over grunting or screaming. By 2yo, 'juice please" was expected. By age 5, "Mommy, may I please have some juice?" was required.

By age 1.5, a child is capable of waiting 5 minutes to play while you finish loading the dishwasher or get dinner into the crock pot. It's no longer your job to stop every tear- it reall *IS* OK if you say 'no" or 'wait a few minutes' and she cries while you take care of yourself or the house before giving her your attention.

It's not about 'showing her who's boss." It's about modeling respectful behavior and expecting the same from her, and making your needs as important as hers- not your WANTS, but your NEEDS- your needs come before her "wants". She needs love and lots of attention, but she doesn't NEED you to play a game with her this very minute, tha'ts only a want.

It's a constant balancing act, and it is draining. But only by making yourself (and the basics of the home) a priority will you find time to take care of these things.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Quote:

And I know sometimes I feel resentful - particularly when I just want her to let me make food because I'm starving and she's having a huge fit because I won't go play with her
This is when I would go make the food regardless. And for myself, I have to conciously try not to let myself get to the point where I'm ravenously hungry. I think that my kids would be better off grumpy because they didn't have my attention for a few minutes than having a hungry mama taking care of them.


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## riversong (Aug 11, 2005)

It sounds to me like you're feeling pressured and guilty because of other people's comments. I have felt this also. In fact, I still have that "what will other people think?" reaction when my dc do something in public that most other people chastise their kids for. I'm working on letting that go and tuning in to my children and their needs.

I think it might really help you to take some time to think/meditate/pray (whatever you do) about how you want to raise your child. What does your gut tell you when you leave other people's opinions out of your thinking? Once I got clear on what I want for my relationship with my dc, I was ready to hear strategies and put them to use.


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## bscal (Feb 13, 2006)

My children have their moments when they want Mommy's attention and will throw a hissy fit to get it. But if I'm in the middle of something that HAS to be done - loading the dishwasher, cooking dinner, swapping out the laundry I will finish that task. My older 2 (almost 6 years and 3 years) know that I will play with them, read a story, etc. when I am finished with the task... DS is 20 mos so of course he is rather impatient about it. Sometimes I just have to let him fuss or hang off my leg while I finish getting dinner started. It does make me feel bad but I'm not being mean to him, I am meeting my needs or the needs of our family as a whole.

I will suggest trying to get a few of these tasks done during naptime though. I typically chop veggies or do other prep stuff for dinner while DS is napping because it's SO much quicker and easier when he's asleep. It frees up my time for later as well so that I can play with the kids while everything is cooking.

After having a very high needs infant (my first) I do know the importance of taking care of yourself too. Sometimes I just had to put her down in the swing for 10 minutes to make myself some lunch. I made myself lunch as quickly as I possibly could and immediately picked her back up and held her while I ate. (Hadn't discovered slings yet at that time... boy would that have made life easier!) You HAVE to meet your needs too. Put on a CD of kid songs or something and sing/dance along while you're cooking, maybe that will encourage her to join you? GL,

Beth


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

I think that asking her to wait a few minutes when you are attending to something else is appropriate and good. I would never "make up" reasons to have her wait, and I would never make her wait just to prove who is boss. But if you are making a meal or trying to accomplish a task, I think it would be healthy for you to tell her, _"I will play with soon."_ You could start speaking in terms of minutes. Ten minutes, five minutes, two minutes. It will be helpful for her in the next couple of years to learn what those amounts of time feel like so that you can start giving warnings and count downs during transition times. It might be helpful to invest in a timer. _"I am having lunch, but when the timer dings, I will be done and then I will play."_

If she cries and has a fit while she has to wait, I think thats okay. Think of it as her expressing how she feels. I would listen and empathize while I continued to work. "_Is it hard to wait? You wish that I would come right now! You don't want to be patient."_ Finish what you need to finish, and then go to her. Comfort her. She'll learn that she can wait a few minutes and survive, and she'll get better at it.

I also agree with the pp who suggested involving her in your tasks. _"I can't play right now because I have to wash the dishes. Would you like to help wash dishes?"_ Yes, your chores will take a lot longer if you are accepting "help" from a toddler! But slow progress is better than no progress, and it will be healthy for her to feel as if she is contributing to family life (as opposed to being the constant center of family life.) The best part is that she will learn some skills over time, and eventually (like in 6 or 8 years!) she can wash dishes by herself!


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## littlemizflava (Oct 8, 2006)

mommy need to do ___. you can help me, wait or you go get ___(to start setting the toy/game up) ready and i will be there in one minute.
dont always work but if the fit happens then it happens. somethings just NEED to get done food, drink and pee are top that i got to do no matter how mad it makes my dc.


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## GooeyRN (Apr 24, 2006)

This probably wont fit well into mothering...

I am one that weighs WANTS vs. NEEDS. I mentally cross of the wants if there are needs. Then I see what need is most important. In your situation, she wants to play, you are hungry. At 2, I would try to include her a little bit, even if it causes a mess. Giving her a mixing bowl, a handful of cheerios and a wooden spoon may give you 10 minutes of peace. I do that now with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. She stands on a chair at the counter and mixes the stuff. Sometimes I give her a cup of water and let her pour it in to the cheerios to stir them. Wasteful? yes. But it keeps her quiet and happy. The cheerios that fall of the floor get eaten by the baby. I stay pleasant and nice to my kids since she isn't annoying me by non-stop whining.


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## DariusMom (May 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carlyle* 
I'm always hesitant to post here, because I'm SO not an expert! But here's my 2 cents--it has to work for everyone in the family. You are a person too, and if you are feeling resentful, it's not good for you or your dd.

I wouldn't do things just to "let her know who's boss," but I do sometimes say "I'm cooking dinner right now, I will play blocks with you as soon as I get the onions chopped" or stuff like that. Yes, she cries (and hangs on my leg), and it sucks. But I do try to honor her needs--"It looks like you're upset that I can't play blocks with you now--do you want to stand here with me and watch me chop the food? Or help me pour the rice into the pot? Or I can carry you on my back?" But usually that doesn't work and she just needs to get cry out her disappointment.

I honestly think that it's good for her to learn to manage that disappointment--I'm not doing it to deliberately thwart her or anything, but it helps her see that I am a person with needs too, and she does get over it and play by herself (sometimes). And sometimes she keeps crying, so I check in with her every once in a while to let her know that I see that she's upset and to reassure her that I'll be able to play with her as soon as I'm done with whatever (and I don't make her wait TOO long)

For me, the line is whenever I'm feeling super frustrated or resentful. That's not good for my dd, you know? If I'm hungry and cranky, I need something to eat. Period. And I will let her know that I love her, and will play with her as soon as I have a sandwich, but I AM going to get a sandwich now because I need to, I'm sorry that she's sad. Good luck! It's weird to transition from them being the "Baby" who really does need you to cater to them, to being the "child" who can learn that you have needs too.

Great post. I totally agree.

OP, it is such a tough stage. Hang in there!


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## festivefeet (Jul 27, 2008)

Carlyle said:


> I honestly think that it's good for her to learn to manage that disappointment
> 
> I wholeheartedly agree with Carlyle. I don't think that gentle discipline is defined by always saying yes to our children. I think children need to realize that they cannot always have what they want. But good communication during the process is key.
> 
> J.


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## traceface (Feb 17, 2003)

And by making yourself a sandwich when you are hungry, you are modeling the importance of taking care of oneself.

It seems healthy to me to gently remind our children that other people have needs which are equally important to theirs. It may take them years, developmetally, to be able to really let that sink it - but it's the beginning of compassion.


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## transformed (Jan 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *traceface* 
And by making yourself a sandwich when you are hungry, you are modeling the importance of taking care of oneself.

It seems healthy to me to gently remind our children that other people have needs which are equally important to theirs. *It may take them years, developmetally*, to be able to really let that sink it - but it's the beginning of compassion.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but could you point me in the direction of developmental research that illustrates a childs lack of ability to have empathy?

I dont know where to look and every "expert" (therepist/etc) I have asked have said they have this ability from a very young age.

So just wondering. Where to look up.


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## runes (Aug 5, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transformed* 
I hope you don't mind me asking, but could you point me in the direction of developmental research that illustrates a childs lack of ability to have empathy?

I dont know where to look and every "expert" (therepist/etc) I have asked have said they have this ability from a very young age.

So just wondering. Where to look up.









Good question, but that's not what she said.









I do think that the foundations of compassion and empathy are laid down at a very young age. I also believe that when toddlers act in the way that they do, it is not because of any "lack of ability to have empathy." Just like a non-yet mobile or crawling infant does not have a "lack of ability to walk independently".

By taking care of your own needs and modeling good communication, mirroring their feelings and validating them, as well as following through on your promises, we are showing our little ones how it is possible to balance everyone's wants/needs, and teaching them how to be patient, and to manage their frustration tolerance.


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## mamaduck (Mar 6, 2002)

The ability to take another perspective requires some level of abstract reasoning. Piaget has some theory on this. Eg. - A child will show you a mirror and say, "Look at me." A small child annot grasp that an object looks different from your angle than it does from hers.

Similarly, if the child is also hungry, it will be easier for her to grasp that you are hungry. But if the child is not hungry, it may not make sense to her that someone else might be. In many ways mom exists as extenstion of self (in the child's mind) until about age 3. (See "object relations" theory.)


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## captain crunchy (Mar 29, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carlyle* 
I'm always hesitant to post here, because I'm SO not an expert! But here's my 2 cents--it has to work for everyone in the family. You are a person too, and if you are feeling resentful, it's not good for you or your dd.

I wouldn't do things just to "let her know who's boss," but I do sometimes say "I'm cooking dinner right now, I will play blocks with you as soon as I get the onions chopped" or stuff like that. Yes, she cries (and hangs on my leg), and it sucks. But I do try to honor her needs--"It looks like you're upset that I can't play blocks with you now--do you want to stand here with me and watch me chop the food? Or help me pour the rice into the pot? Or I can carry you on my back?" But usually that doesn't work and she just needs to get cry out her disappointment.

I honestly think that it's good for her to learn to manage that disappointment--I'm not doing it to deliberately thwart her or anything, but it helps her see that I am a person with needs too, and she does get over it and play by herself (sometimes). And sometimes she keeps crying, so I check in with her every once in a while to let her know that I see that she's upset and to reassure her that I'll be able to play with her as soon as I'm done with whatever (and I don't make her wait TOO long)

For me, the line is whenever I'm feeling super frustrated or resentful. That's not good for my dd, you know? If I'm hungry and cranky, I need something to eat. Period. And I will let her know that I love her, and will play with her as soon as I have a sandwich, but I AM going to get a sandwich now because I need to, I'm sorry that she's sad. Good luck! It's weird to transition from them being the "Baby" who really does need you to cater to them, to being the "child" who can learn that you have needs too.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
I think that asking her to wait a few minutes when you are attending to something else is appropriate and good. I would never "make up" reasons to have her wait, and I would never make her wait just to prove who is boss. But if you are making a meal or trying to accomplish a task, I think it would be healthy for you to tell her, _"I will play with soon."_ You could start speaking in terms of minutes. Ten minutes, five minutes, two minutes. It will be helpful for her in the next couple of years to learn what those amounts of time feel like so that you can start giving warnings and count downs during transition times. It might be helpful to invest in a timer. _"I am having lunch, but when the timer dings, I will be done and then I will play."_

If she cries and has a fit while she has to wait, I think thats okay. Think of it as her expressing how she feels. I would listen and empathize while I continued to work. "_Is it hard to wait? You wish that I would come right now! You don't want to be patient."_ Finish what you need to finish, and then go to her. Comfort her. She'll learn that she can wait a few minutes and survive, and she'll get better at it.

I also agree with the pp who suggested involving her in your tasks. _"I can't play right now because I have to wash the dishes. Would you like to help wash dishes?"_ Yes, your chores will take a lot longer if you are accepting "help" from a toddler! But slow progress is better than no progress, and it will be healthy for her to feel as if she is contributing to family life (as opposed to being the constant center of family life.) The best part is that she will learn some skills over time, and eventually (like in 6 or 8 years!) she can wash dishes by herself!










Quote:


Originally Posted by *mamaduck* 
The ability to take another perspective requires some level of abstract reasoning. Piaget has some theory on this. Eg. - A child will show you a mirror and say, "Look at me." A small child cannot grasp that an object looks different from your angle than it does from hers.

Similarly, if the child is also hungry, it will be easier for her to grasp that you are hungry. But if the child is not hungry, it may not make sense to her that someone else might be. In many ways mom exists as extenstion of self (in the child's mind) until about age 3. (See "object relations" theory.)

I agree with these posts completely.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *transformed* 
I hope you don't mind me asking, but could you point me in the direction of developmental research that illustrates a childs lack of ability to have empathy?

I dont know where to look and every "expert" (therepist/etc) I have asked have said they have this ability from a very young age.

So just wondering. Where to look up.









"Empathy" and "perspective taking" are different things. Look at the literature on "theory of mind" and you'll find a ton on perspective taking. It comes in about 3-4 for most kids, but it's still not an automatic assumption for most kids for a number of years after that. Even 6-7 year olds have to be coached into understanding another person's perspective, especially when they're feeling very strongly about something.

So, if a 3 year old sees that you're hurt or sad, they can feel empathy.

BUT, they may or may not be able to understand that they have information that you don't (or vice versa), hence arguments that go something like "Please sit down on that chair, I'm afraid you're going to get hurt." "But I didn't!"


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## nina_yyc (Nov 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
With my kids, my focus was teaching (and modeling) good manners, and it can be hard to keep everything in balance. YEs, it's not that big a deal if you stand over here or over there, and sometimes it's just best to "give in" and not start a fight over something little and unimportant.

But I'd always insist on at least being spoken to politely and in a respectful tone of voice, to the limits of their verbal ability. To a newly talking 1yo, "juice!!!" was a huge step over grunting or screaming. By 2yo, 'juice please" was expected. By age 5, "Mommy, may I please have some juice?" was required.

By age 1.5, a child is capable of waiting 5 minutes to play while you finish loading the dishwasher or get dinner into the crock pot. It's no longer your job to stop every tear- it reall *IS* OK if you say 'no" or 'wait a few minutes' and she cries while you take care of yourself or the house before giving her your attention.

It's not about 'showing her who's boss." It's about modeling respectful behavior and expecting the same from her, and making your needs as important as hers- not your WANTS, but your NEEDS- your needs come before her "wants". She needs love and lots of attention, but she doesn't NEED you to play a game with her this very minute, tha'ts only a want.

It's a constant balancing act, and it is draining. But only by making yourself (and the basics of the home) a priority will you find time to take care of these things.

I love this post. My DCP introduced some of these ideas - like starting with the "please" and "thank you" - long before my DH and I would have thought DD was ready. But she was!


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## Draupadi (Jul 19, 2007)

I only have my son, so I'm far from an expert.
I also do think it's important that DS understands that he can't get everything he wants right when he wants it. Sometimes he has to wait because Mama needs to use the potty, or Mama needs to get dinner started, or whatever. It's not a matter of showing him who's boss, but rather teaching him patience.


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## SusieRain (Jun 15, 2007)

Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka? I would recommend it. She mentions in there that finding the balance is key. If you are feeling resentful, then you probably say yes too much.
It is important for everyone to give and take. Teaching your child to respect your needs is also a valuable lesson.


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## Cujobunny (Aug 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *theretohere* 
I don't think anyone really needs to be the boss in the traditional way of thinking about it. Every member of the family is important, though, and no one is more important then anyone else. This means that your DC is important and needs her needs (and wants) met, but so do you!
I think it is completely reasonable to tell your DC that you can not play for a few minutes while you make food or clean a mess that needs cleaning.









ITA. And get her to help! It's a great way to spend time together and to teach her valuable skills.


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## pandora665 (Mar 13, 2006)

My child goes through phases where she wants to tell me that I need to stay sitting in a certain spot on the couch or stay in a certain room. I'm not accustomed to being told where I need to stand or sit, and sometimes I will reframe it - "Oh, we're playing?" ...which makes it seem less irritating to me. Otherwise I tell her, "Mama doesn't want to play right now. I need to go to the kitchen (for example)." Tears sometimes ensue, but typically only if she's hungry, lonely, or tired, which I address separately. I have what some people term a "strong-willed" child, although not "spirited", per se.

We fall on the stricter side of GD, though, with mandatory please-thank yous and some very occasional time-outs for violence against others. I tried to be very consensual for a while, and it ended up being very difficult to balance my family's needs. As she has gotten progressively verbal, we have been able to talk out issues more and more without any imposed consequences needed.

Oh, and I agree with Ruthla's post, as usual.

I felt like 21 months was a VERY hard time for us, and we're now at a much better place just 6 months later.









Hope is on the horizon.


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## COVegMom (Mar 9, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Carlyle* 
I'm always hesitant to post here, because I'm SO not an expert! But here's my 2 cents--it has to work for everyone in the family. You are a person too, and if you are feeling resentful, it's not good for you or your dd.

I wouldn't do things just to "let her know who's boss," but I do sometimes say "I'm cooking dinner right now, I will play blocks with you as soon as I get the onions chopped" or stuff like that. Yes, she cries (and hangs on my leg), and it sucks. But I do try to honor her needs--"It looks like you're upset that I can't play blocks with you now--do you want to stand here with me and watch me chop the food? Or help me pour the rice into the pot? Or I can carry you on my back?" But usually that doesn't work and she just needs to get cry out her disappointment.

I honestly think that it's good for her to learn to manage that disappointment--I'm not doing it to deliberately thwart her or anything, but it helps her see that I am a person with needs too, and she does get over it and play by herself (sometimes). And sometimes she keeps crying, so I check in with her every once in a while to let her know that I see that she's upset and to reassure her that I'll be able to play with her as soon as I'm done with whatever (and I don't make her wait TOO long)

For me, the line is whenever I'm feeling super frustrated or resentful. That's not good for my dd, you know? If I'm hungry and cranky, I need something to eat. Period. And I will let her know that I love her, and will play with her as soon as I have a sandwich, but I AM going to get a sandwich now because I need to, I'm sorry that she's sad. Good luck! It's weird to transition from them being the "Baby" who really does need you to cater to them, to being the "child" who can learn that you have needs too.

Yes, I agree completely. Sounds pretty expertly stated to me.









I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes ds cries when I have to take a break from playing to use the bathroom.














And I hear a lot of similar comments from people in my office and family (and I don't even talk to them about my parenting ideas!).

I don't think GD is about neglecting your own needs, that does not set a good example of caring for yourself. I also don't think you need to 'show who's boss,' just show how you can balance everyone's needs.

I also think this is a situation where offering choices may be helpful. While you are making food, you can offer several options like helping you, playing with her toys in the kitchen near you, offer to play right after you eat, play for 2 minutes and then get food and then play some more, ask her to come up with a solution, etc. Sometimes she still may just cry and you can offer her comfort and empathy, but many times I suspect she will be happy with one of the solutions you offer.

Hang in there!


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## COVegMom (Mar 9, 2008)

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