# Being around pregnant women after m/c



## hopesoon (Apr 14, 2006)

Is it normal to not feeling that comfortable and not being able to share your joy with your pregnant friends after you've miscarried?

I have 2 friends whose babies are due late this month or early next month. I do my best, and I know I should probably sound more enthusiastic than I do when they talk about their happiness and anxiety with me, but it's just a little hard for me.

I miscarried 2 months ago, and it took ages for the bleeding to stop. I'm still having teeny tiny bit of spotting on tissues every now and then. Although I've stopped crying a long time ago, I don't think I've completely come to terms with the loss. The pain just lingers and hits me at different levels unexpected sometimes.


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## mimi_n_tre (Jun 15, 2005)

It is very normal in my opinion to feel like not being around those who are currently pregnant. I know when I had Jase, it really made me mad that I had lost my baby when I saw so many others that I felt did not deserve to be pregnant or have their children. I didn't really talk to anyone, let alone those who were pregnant.

A good friend of mine from school came into my work the week or so after I had lost my son, and said I am so sorry to hear about what happened, followed shortly by I'm pregnant. I couldn't be mad at her. She had told me a few months earlier, when I had told her that I was about six months pregnant, that she was trying. I was very happy for her, but it hurt that I couldn't enjoy that moment because of my own loss. I have yet to see her babies, she had twin boys, and her twin sister is due about a week before me. I feel so bad since they did so much stuff for me when I was pregnant with my first son.

Now being pregnant again, and having what seems like forever complications, I feel bad for not spending time with them when I was a little better, but I needed some time for myself, and to grieve for the child that I had lost.

Mary


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## Naughty Dingo (May 23, 2004)

Two of my three closest friends got pregnant 6 weeks after me so I got to watch their pregnancies unfold after my miscarriage. I couldn't believe how hard it was and still is, even though now I am finally pregnant again. I definately feel like I drew back from one of them because it made me so sad to be around her and now I find that I never talk to her about her pregnancy. It kinda makes me feel like a sore loser, and I hate that. But my grief is still with me and this just brings it out more. I wonder when this will change? My due date has come and gone for the baby that died, and their babes will be here soon too. Hopefully things will get more relaxed after that.

As far as the lingering pain, yeah, it does come out of the blue doesn't it. I went back to my prenatal yoga class this week and found myself in tears because it brought me back to last fall. It is hard to predict what will set things off.

Miscarriage is a hard thing, because when you go through it, you know how life altering it can be. for those that aren't parents, or don't know anyone who has gone through it and haven't experienced it themselves, they don't get it. It can be very isolating.

I am sorry Mama, it is so hard to carry this pain









ND


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## philomom (Sep 12, 2004)

I think its hugely normal to be shy of new moms if you have lost a child. And being around pregnant moms was tough, I really had to resist the urge to shake tham and say "do you know what could go wrong?"


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## BethanyB (Nov 12, 2005)

Ditto what everyone above said. I'd like to add that I just found out one of my best friends is pg, and I haven't called her yet. I don't know when I will even be ready to. All I can do is hope she understands. You sound like a good friend. I am of the mindset that if it is painful to be around your pg firends, take a break from them. You should not have to "hang in there" w/ your pg friends if it is hurting you, and you shouldn't try to hide it or feel guilty about it. _You_ had the m/c, and you deserve to feel bad about it and to take a break from hanging around the preggos for a while.


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## Lillianna (Feb 14, 2006)

It has been hard for me as well. I miscarried 2 years ago and felt like I would "get over it" when I was preg again, but I am still waiting. I have really hard time being around preg or breastfeeding women. It is so weird. I really am extremely happy for them but it just reminds me that I "should" be preg too/or breastfeeding too...
I think it is hard for friends and family to understand and I am starting to see the change in my relationships. It is beginning to become uncomfortable because I don't know how to "be natural" and they don't know how to help me (3 SILs preg in last year). It's just not something that comes up naturally in conversation.
Hang in there.


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## pianojazzgirl (Apr 6, 2006)

Just like the other mamas who posted I can totally relate as well. I know a few rl friends who are pg but I haven't seen any of them since my mc. The thing I'm finding so difficult is all my on-line friends who are pg. I have a couple of parenting/pg forums I've been a member of for a long time, and now I can't even bear to follow the pg journeys of my friends there. I feel guilty about it too. We are a tight-knit group of friends but I just can't bear hearing about their pregnancies right now. Here at MCD I joined the Sept 2004 toddlers thread but I'm finding it too difficult to post/read there because so many mamas are expecting their 2nd dc around the time that I should be


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## merpk (Dec 19, 2001)

Can relate only in a different way. I'm okay with good friends and family who are pregnant, and can really feel joyful. I think. It's with people that I only know peripherally, like other parents in my kids' school, etc., that I don't feel comfortable ... to the degree that I don't want to be in the room with them, much less talking to them.

I guess it's because the family folks know what happened and are trying not to be too giggly around me, IYKWIM ... and the other folks don't.

So maybe it's not just that I'm okay with the family, it's that they're understanding of my situation and are being gentle with me, as opposed to my being so ... okay. IYKWIM.

Sigh.


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## hopeful1 (Mar 30, 2006)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the pain you are enduring. I know exactly what you are going through... I lost my daughter at 32 weeks... she was born then died a day and a half later... a "supposed" friend of mine went on to adopt an infant girl born only days before my daughter was. Then she proceeded to call and tell me how "tired" she was, how the "baby" kept her up all night... but it's soooo worth it".... blah blah blah... etc etc... I thought to myself... she knows exactly what I just went through and she has to be the most inconsiderate person. Either that or she enjoys rubbing salt in the wound. Your friends should be a little more considerate of your feelings. I understand how elated they must feel about their bundles of joy on the way, however, they should also now know what a crushing blow it would be to lose that blessing unexpectedly and suddenly. Don't feel bad or apologize for avoiding them. You have to do what is healthy for you to maintain positivity. Maybe once you conceive again, some of the pangs of miscarriage will dull. God be with you momma. Keep your chin up... it will happen.


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## beansavi (Jun 26, 2005)

I had a hard time, too. I even had a friend who was due at the same time and whose baby stuck around. I got pregnant 6 months later and had a beautiful girl, and the time I spent uncomfortable and coming to terms with those around me really made me, IMO, a much more compassionate and spiritual person.

Blessings to you.


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## Nkenga (Dec 11, 2005)

I always want to go up to women that are pregnant and tell them, you better enjoy every second of this pregnancy, I don't care how much your feet are swollen, how sick you are, how tired you are, yo'd better enjoy every minute of it, because it may be all that you get.

Of course, that's when I'm not insanely jealous of them.

I only know of one person who is pregnant now, a co-worker, and she had a loss as well - her son Mason was born still at full-term (I'm not sure of how may weeks) in August, and she just found out she is 7 weeks pregnant. SHe's of course really happy, and I'm happy for her, but jealous too. One thing that lessens the jealousy is, she can really appreciate, in a way women who have never had a loss cannot, how precious every second is.


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## StrongSingleMama (Jul 18, 2005)

I have been having a really hard time seeing or hearing about pregnant women. I had a m/c 2.5 weeks ago and it is still so hard, I just feel so sad about it. I try and be happy for friends and people I know online and in real life that are preggo but right now honestly I just don't want to hear about it. I see preggo women everywhere I go it seems like and it is so hard for me to see their round bellies...it is extra hard because I had the same DD as a good friend of mine so everytime I see her ticker I see how far I would have been.


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## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

I am surrounded by newborns. Or Mamas ready to give birth. Never in my life have I been so surrounded.
Yesterday a friend called to ask me how I am feeling but I could tell it waas just an intro to her woe of being diagnosed with gest diabetes and how hard this will be on her for the next couple months. I wanted to yell and hang up... but I didn't and now wish I did. She is due the same day I was with my first lost baby~ August 1. She knew I had now lost this one too, but was whining to me anyway .... I just couldn't sympathize with her. Her baby is still growing. Is still alive. Will be here soon- and in her arms. I am happy for her, I am. But my grief is greater right now. Thats pretty much how I feel around everyone.


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## PrayinFor12 (Aug 25, 2007)

I had already been warned by reading threads here that I'd end up with babies all around me. Because of your warnings (thank you!), I ended up amused when it happened 2 days ago. I was sitting in church. A girl with a newborn sat down right in front of me. At the same time her husband picked up the baby and put him over his shoulder and IN MY FACE, a mom and baby sat down directly behind me and the baby was crying.

And all I could think was "They warned me. This is ridiculous. Can it get more hilarious?" Not that I was laughing, mind you - but there was something amusing about it.









I'm so glad you guys gave me the heads up.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

How COULD you share their joy? Your baby is dead and you're grieving.
My SIL is due just a few days before the baby I just lost should have been born.
I'm not going to be hanging our with her much and I just refuse to feel bad about it. Anyone with even an ounce of sensitivity will understand that, I think.


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## ChristyM26 (Feb 26, 2006)

It's completely understandable that you feel uneasy around pregnant women. My boss is pregnant with twins, due a month after I would have been. It is monumentally difficult to be around her. I have a friend who's also due about a month after I should have been. She complains CONSTANTLY and all I want to say is how grateful she should be that her baby is still with her and growing. Instead I just avoid her. I have some hope that another pregnancy and a healthy baby at the end might help some, but am also realistic that I may always feel this way. But a friend will understand and if they don't perhaps it's time for that particular friendship to end. Don't be to hard on yourself. Losing a baby has to be one of the worst things in the world to go through.


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## sarahtar (Mar 19, 2004)

I, too, am having a hard time being around pregnant people. I find myself sounding really rude or abrupt when talking to them.

There is a small part of me that wants to say mean things to newly pregnant women, too. They're so happy, and I'm so unhappy, and I want to make them unhappy like I am, I can't stand their happiness, their carefreeness. They are enjoying their pregnancies in the way that only someone who has never experienced pregnancy loss can, and I resent that. I of course don't actually say mean things, but oh how I want to.


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## mamabearsoblessed (Jan 8, 2003)

Mamas


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## momz3 (May 1, 2006)

Well, I didn' have a m/c, but a stillbirth baby girl...I have 3 friends who are pregnant...and one of them had their baby on Friday and the other onSaturday....I thought I'd be okay...but I'm crazy jealous.


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## zonapellucida (Jul 16, 2004)

I know I am having a really hard time seeing bellies everywhere (((hugs mama))))


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## naturegirl (Apr 16, 2002)

It is completely normal to feel the ache of the loss of your child when reminded of it and what a better reminder than a pregnancy or new baby?

I can't really avoid pregnant mommas or babies as I work with them routinely. In some ways that actually helps because I am around it ALL the time. It was slightly difficult however, when two of my friends had their babies on what would have been my due date as I was/am still recovering from a second loss due to an ectopic pregnancy.









Fortunately my friends understand and feel ok with me being a little sad amongst their joy. It is a strange feeling, joy and sadness mixed...


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## normajean (Oct 21, 2003)

I am actually OK with pregnant ladies right now, surprisingly. The intake receptionist at the hospital was 20 weeks, and we talked for awhile about her baby. My past pregnancies, I was not OK to do this, but now I just feel so happy for them, that its working out.

What does bother me is that with 2 of my miscarriages, I had people announce their pregnancies within a week, some within the same breath as saying they are sorry about my loss, they say, "by the way...I'm pregnant!!!!!" In that situation its all I can do not to burst into tears. They could at least wait a few weeks, show some sensitivity. That bothers me. Pregnant people in general does not.


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