# I'm new here



## scarletjane (Feb 4, 2009)

okay, <insert deep breath here>. I think it's time I introduce myself. I've been coming on here for the last month, somewhat obsessively reading this forum, but not having the courage to actually participate. I am a bit of a private person when it comes to the internet and have had huge support from my family and friends, but I am realizing that the best way for me to move forward with this grief is to reach out in every possible way. so here I am.

First of all, I want to thank all of you who have posted and shared your stories and have grieved with me without even knowing it. Your words have gotten me through some very dark days. Your kindness and support of one another has moved me deeply. I feel so lucky that this forum exists. And most of all, I am so sorry that you're here.

Here is my story:
My husband and I decided we were ready to start our family, and I got pregnant last spring. I had an amazing pregnancy. From the beginning up until the end, it was fairly uneventful and I felt great. I didn't feel my baby move much, but I hadn't from the beginning. I hadn't even felt any initial movement until 21 weeks. I told my midwives about it, and continued to mention it into the last portion of the pregnancy. We all felt it was likely due to an anterior placenta and a laidback baby. It may have been. But that was the only thing that stood out as unusual. Everything else had gone so smoothly.

I went to 41 weeks and felt that the baby would be coming any day. I was having braxton hicks, i was starting to dilate, and my body seemed to be gearing up. Then I went in to what would be my last prenatal visit, at just over 41 weeks. Everything was going as usual, until the midwives listened for heart tones. They were unable to hear them with the fetoscope, so they attempted with the doppler. Amazingly, even at that point, I really felt that everything would be alright. But tears began welling up in my eyes. I remember thinking, "why are you crying? everything's fine. don't panic." Part of me knew. We called my husband, who was at work at the time. He rushed over to the birth center and we went in for an ultrasound. It was confirmed. The baby was gone. The rest is such a blur. I was grieving, but also numb and in survival mode. I had labor ahead of me and yet I was in the beginning stages of processing the death of my sweet baby who i was not going to get to watch take a first breath. It felt so unbelievable. I was actually relatively stable at this point- functional at least. It was almost mechanical. I knew what needed to be done and it was a matter of practicality.

We tried to induce labor naturally at the birth center. I had planned a homebirth, but felt I wanted to be at the birth center instead. I got to 4cm, but labor kept petering out. After 24 hours of this, we opted to head into the hospital. I had been scared of ending up there, fearing it would be cold and sterile and that i'd possibly be forced into situations i didn't want. My husband's fear was that they'd give me a c-section if we ended up there. Wow, were we wrong. The hospital experience was incredible. We were met there with tremendous compassion. The staff cried and grieved with us and led us seamlessly through this process that would have been so much worse without their incredible support.

With family and friends by my side, I went through the next 24 hours of pitocin, dilation and nurse shift changes and waiting. Time seemed a blur and the hours slipped by. At some point, someone told me i was dilated to 10 and I was told to call the nurse when i felt pressure. The doctor, at my request, let me gently and slowly allow my baby to descend and with a few quick pushes, slip into the world. They put our sweet babe right on my chest, and i heard someone say, "it's a girl."

I looked at her beautiful face and that's when my life changed forever. That is when the real grief began. Everyone left the room, and suddenly there we were.. my husband and i, there with our sweet lifeless baby, who's impending arrival had given us so much joy and excitement for the last 9 months. She was perfect, beautiful, angelic. I could not believe the depth of the grief I felt as we held her, staring at her, touching her soft skin, and not wanting to believe that this was our new reality. But it is. And that, I am accepting. Slowly. As of now, we have no answers as to the medical reason for her death. We may know more when we meet with our maternal fetal specialist, but we are also preparing ourselves that we may never have an answer.

I think of her constantly. I miss her so much. I had no idea I could love so deeply or hurt so deeply. I also mourn the loss of the naive person I was just a couple of months ago. I have started thinking of everything in terms of "before" and "after." I have strange thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, I looked at the trash can in our bathroom and thought, "wow, when i put that trash bag into that garbage can, i had no idea what was going to happen to me," or "When I bought this mustard, i was just a pregnant woman who thought i'd be holding a baby soon."

Aside from the strange thoughts, I see things in this new light now. I look at the world in a completely different way. I am more compassionate. I feel like I am moving more gently through the world, probably becasue I don't want anyone else to hurt. This experience has made me more appreciative of all of the blessings i do have. My husband and I both feel like we are completely different people now. I feel so changed. I am appreciative that this event has changed me so much because many of those changes have helped me to be more compassionate and empathetic and thoughtful, but wow, the cost was so high. And the pain so tremendous.

It makes me so sad to know what this pain is like and know how many others feel it too. I am so sorry that you are reading this, because i know that if you are, you too have experienced loss. Be gentle with yourself.

thank you for reading. I look forward to healing alongside you in this group.


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## HeatherKae (Jun 4, 2006)

My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story. It is beautiful.


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## Manessa (Feb 24, 2003)

I am so very sorry for your loss. You have found the right place, and I hope that you will find as much caring and healing here as I have.


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## green23 (Aug 3, 2004)

I am so so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find the support and compassion you need to get through this traumatic experience. I think it's really important that you shared your story and I hope that you continue to share your feelings. This board has helped me considerably.


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## csekywithlove (Feb 25, 2010)

Oh honey







I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand your hesitancy with sharing your story. I thank you for sharing it though. Let us know how things go with the specialist. And I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.


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## mischievium (Feb 9, 2003)

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you lost your precious daughter, SJ. No parent should ever have to go through this kind of loss. If you feel comfortable sharing her name or pictures of her (if you have any) at some point, we'd love to see them. It's absolutely okay if you want to keep those things private, but I thought I would put that out there because often we babyloss mamas want to be able to share our babies just like those with living babies do. Sending you and your DH love and strength.


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## expatmommy (Nov 7, 2006)

I'm sorry that your precious dd isn't here with you now.

We'd love to know her, if you ever want to share her with us.


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## Fireflyforever (May 28, 2008)

I am so sorry your precious baby girl is not in your arms right now. It is the hardest thing in the world to have to parent your child in your heart only. I got goosebumps reading your story - you write beautifully, a real tribute to your little girl and I recognised such a lot of what you said.

I am so pleased you have a good support network. I hope that, in reaching out here, you feel our love and compassion adding to that which you receive in real life.








sweet baby girl.


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## JayJay (Aug 1, 2008)

Oh mama...you were in my sure date club. I had no idea. I'm so, so so so sorry. My heart is just hurting right now for you because I know just exactly the pain you're feeling and it's so incredibly sad that anyone else should ever have to go through this.

I am so glad your hospital experience was good - I too had a very good hospital experience this time around, despite wanting really, to birth at home. I did end up having a cesarean last time, with Josie, basically because I was dying and they were trying to save Josie. I wish I had been able to birth her naturally though - vaginally I mean by this, because then I had a whole other mourning experience for the cesarean birth that DID happen. Mind you it was a very traumatic emergent cesarean - not something I'd ever want to happen to anyone even if they had a living child at the end of it.

All one's layers of falseness tend to go out of the window along with the naivety that birth always equals a living infant _for us_. It's now no longer something that just happens to other people - or in my case, my own mother. Bare truth is revealed and we talk here in this forum in bare truth language, you know, just the truth, uncovered. That's how we heal, in that un-false way.

What is her name, your little one? Do you have pictures you want to share? You know in the end, we are all still mommies and we are allowed to be proud of the beautiful lives we've created, so if you want to share, feel free. None of us - not a single one - feel any differently about looking at the little ones who've passed on as we feel about looking at the little ones who are still with us, so if you want to show some people who will smile at her and give you virtual hugs at the creation of gorgeousness, we're the ladies - I can tell you with absolute certainty! If you'd like to see pictures of my Josie, you can, at my blog: www.opusangara.blogspot.com.









This place isn't a place we want to be, but for me, it was such a sanity and emotional-life saver. It's the most healing place online. Seriously. If there were awards that could go to healing online locations, this one would be decked in them.

You will feel the light again. That I can promise you. Healing does happen, if you let it. We will help you. XXXXX


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## birthangeldoula (Feb 1, 2008)

hugs mama.








I'm so sorry..


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## Mosaic (Jun 20, 2005)

I'm terribly sorry that you're here but very glad you had the courage to join us. The women in this forum are unlike any others and can understand and support you in this unwelcomed "after." Thank you for sharing your story of your special beautiful daughter.


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## Megan73 (May 16, 2007)

Sweet, sweet baby girl


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## bluewatergirl (Jul 26, 2007)

I am so very sorry for your loss of your beloved daughter.


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## MI_Dawn (Jun 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mischievium* 







Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you lost your precious daughter, SJ. No parent should ever have to go through this kind of loss. If you feel comfortable sharing her name or pictures of her (if you have any) at some point, we'd love to see them. It's absolutely okay if you want to keep those things private, but I thought I would put that out there because often we babyloss mamas want to be able to share our babies just like those with living babies do. Sending you and your DH love and strength.


Yes, please do share, if you feel you can. I know it helped me, to hear other mamas speak William's name, to acknowledge how beautiful and amazing he was, even in death.

I am so sorry, Scarlet. My heart breaks into more little pieces (and you'd think a heart couldn't break any more after what we've all been through) every time another woman joins this "club." It's a terrible reason to be here.

But it's a good place to be, with the women here.

I'm so glad you came forward and said something.


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## Jules09 (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm so, so sorry.


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## Mickiswing (Apr 10, 2005)

I'm so very sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter. I'm glad you've joined us though, this is probably one of the best places I've been since my own loss. I hope you're able to find some peace in this hardship.








for your dd


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## NullSet (Dec 19, 2004)

I'm so sorry, mama.























It's been a few years since my dd was stillborn but your words took me back to exactly how I was feeling immediately after.

Your dd will be loved, missed and remembered always.


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## moxielou (Jun 15, 2005)

Oh, I am so so sorry. (((hugs))) to you and your husband.

thank you for sharing your story which was so moving and beautifully written. You speak of your experience as if in a state of grace.

If/when you are willing, please share more about your daughter--name and pictures. This is a group of women who will want to see and hear all about her.


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## WaitingForKiddos (Nov 30, 2006)

I am so very sorry you find yourself here.

You have found yourself a group of women that will support you, no matter what.









As has been said, feel free to share, or not, anything about your sweet daughter, family, and everything you're thinking. After my loss I was on these boards for hours at a time. Reading other's stories, posting about myself....obsessivly looking for someone, anyone who even kind of understood where I was.

I'm so very, very sorry.


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## japonica (May 26, 2005)

Oh Scarletjane,

First of all, ((HUGS)) and I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't post much here, my loss was long ago (almost 7 years) but I do read regularly.

Your words, beautifully written, took me right back to that time. I lost my daughter at 40w, also a planned homebirth and we ended up induced at the hospital.

Quote:

As of now, we have no answers as to the medical reason for her death. We may know more when we meet with our maternal fetal specialist, but we are also preparing ourselves that we may never have an answer.
Our daughter's death was unexplained. That was difficult at first, but gradually we learned to come to peace with it. Not that it was easy.

Quote:

I think of her constantly. I miss her so much. I had no idea I could love so deeply or hurt so deeply. I also mourn the loss of the naive person I was just a couple of months ago. I have started thinking of everything in terms of "before" and "after." I have strange thoughts. A couple of weeks ago, I looked at the trash can in our bathroom and thought, "wow, when i put that trash bag into that garbage can, i had no idea what was going to happen to me," or "When I bought this mustard, i was just a pregnant woman who thought i'd be holding a baby soon."
Yes...my life has been marked by before and after. Completely and fundamentally. There is no aspect of it that is the same.

I'm so sorry. This is an amazing, supportive community of women and I just wish with all my heart that you didn't have to join this group. Know how much everyone here is thinking of you...








Remembering your sweet daughter...


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## Cheshire (Dec 14, 2004)

I'm so sorry. Others have said exactly what I feel - my heart breaks with yours for all of the babies and families that are forever changed by these circumstances.

I like to think of it as taking the blue pill (is that the right color from the movie? I can't remember). It's like once you've experienced the loss of a child the world is never the same - the rose colored glasses are ripped off and you see the world through new eyes. There is such a vulnerability - like you say not wanting to hurt anyone and coupled with that at the same time for me a bit of jealousy for those who don't know what it's like (not that I want them to - I just want my glasses back).

I'm glad this board has been able to offer you comfort. I have a great support system IRL as well but being able to talk to others who are on this journey as moms has added so much to my learning to live with it. I'm not sure I'll ever fully heal - I don't think that hole in my heart will ever go away or scar over.

Hugs to you and your family. We all grieve with you.


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## Vespertina (Sep 30, 2006)

Oh, mama. I'm so, so very sorry.







My heart breaks for you and your family. Your story brings back so many memories. We were planning a homebirth with Duncan and instead was induced at the hospital. Many of the strange thoughts you mention I had as well.

Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of love.


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## HoosierDiaperinMama (Sep 23, 2003)

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## Peacemamalove (Jun 7, 2006)

and so sorry for your loss


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## SeekingSerenity (Aug 6, 2006)

Baby Girl

I'm so sorry, mama.


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## MiracleMama (Sep 1, 2003)

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. it's so unfair that anyone has to feel this kind of grief.


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## my-j-angel (May 10, 2004)

My heart goes out to you. Please be gentle with yourself, grieving is a hard journey to go through. All of us here are working through our emotions together. I'm so sorry.


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## idigchaitea (Aug 21, 2007)

Wow...our stories are so similar. I found out that my Jonas was no longer alive on his due date, and gave birth to him the next day. I was 40 weeks. Cause unknown...perfect pregnancy...All those thoughts that you have are exactly what I thought too. I still look back at pictures of me pregnant and think..."If only you knew what was going to happen to you!!" Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has almost been a year since Jonas was stillborn, and I am dreading that day because it will hurt so much. But I have gotten so much stronger over this year. www.missfoundation.org has helped me tremendously. Please PM me if you just want to talk. I'm so sorry your little girl is not in your arms.


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## joyfulgrrrl (Jun 8, 2006)

Thank you for your story, it was such a loving tribute and moved me to tears. You're a lovely writer.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope in the very difficult months you have ahead that you find a bit of comfort here.

Peace be with you.


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## Catubodua (Apr 21, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## marinak1977 (Feb 24, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss.







thinking of you...


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