# Erased Coffee Shop Chalkboard-WWYD?



## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

Yesterday while my (soon to be 5) dd and friends were walking down the street, we passed a coffee shop that she has passed a million times before. This time she and friend (4) decided to use their hands to erase the chalkboard ad sign.

When I saw what they'd done, I explained to dd that someone had worked really hard to make that sign so that customers could read it and come into the coffee shop. At the time I thought it would be good for her to apologize face to face to the employee/owner so she could SEE an actual person, rather than think it was "just another sign." So we went in to apologize. I explained what happened to the girl behind the counter and asked dd to apologize.

She froze and at that moment, I realized that I put her on the spot. She started to cry and I apologized on her behalf. After we left the shop, she was fine, she and her friend were back to skipping and having fun.

After we split up and were on our way home, we talked about it and she said that I was "a little bit rude to make her cry in front of her friend and the coffee girl."

She is very shy, which is why I shouldn't have asked her to apologize in person, so when we got home I suggested she write a letter. She did. "Coffee girl, Sorry I erased your chalkboard." Then she drew a picture of her and coffee girl drinking coffee at a table.

I wonder if that's the route I should have gone with in the first place or if I should have been like the mother of the 4 year old and just ignore it. Since she had never done anything like that before, I chalked it up to her showing off with a friend but messing up a store's chalkboard is not okay.

That said, I can't shake the feeling that I didn't handle it in the "right way." What would you have done differently? Was it not a big deal?


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## kittn (Mar 6, 2006)

i think looking back it would have been better to have her write the letter and bring it in then to make her apologize on the spot given the fact that is she so shy.
I am sorry your DD had such a hard time with it
that said. I hope I can make this come out right
I think it may have been a valuable lesson for your daughter as well. it may have solidified the cause and effect for her.The world isn't an easy place and even though we can protect them now someday we wont always be there. there may come a time where she will be put on the spot either by her friends, instructor, etc and in that case perhaps she will draw on this experience and think. After all it was just a coffee shop sign however it's still not a nice thing to do. It could also be considered vandalism if she were older even though no permanent damage was done. (not that I think it should be) I know I didn't phrase that right but I hope you get what I am saying.


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## Justmee (Jun 6, 2005)

I probably would have gone in and apologized to the woman with dd, but I wouoldn't have made her apoligize. I would have just said to the woman "dd erased your sign, she's sorry / I'm sorry" and been done with it.


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## jencen (Nov 29, 2007)

I hope I can articulate this well because I don't mean to sound harsh, but in my opinion, I think you handled it well. Apologizing is a very difficult process at times, especially when it is face-to-face. It can be painful for anyone--man, woman or child--to acknowledge that they have done "wrong" and to ask for forgiveness. I think it was an extremely valuable lesson for your daughter and one she will remember much more readily than if you had just written a letter and never put a "face" on it.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

double post, sorry


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jencen* 
I hope I can articulate this well because I don't mean to sound harsh, but in my opinion, I think you handled it well. Apologizing is a very difficult process at times, especially when it is face-to-face. It can be painful for anyone--man, woman or child--to acknowledge that they have done "wrong" and to ask for forgiveness. I think it was an extremely valuable lesson for your daughter and one she will remember much more readily than if you had just written a letter and never put a "face" on it.









:









The right thing to do, apologise for our mistakes/misdeeds CAN be confronting, embarassing, difficult. That's a good reason to try to avoid mistakes in the first place. I don't think this was a fun lesson for her, but i think it was a really useful one. In your place i'd have done what you did, and i'd have been pretty pleased (or at least not upset) with your outcome.


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## amitymama (Nov 17, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jencen* 
I hope I can articulate this well because I don't mean to sound harsh, but in my opinion, I think you handled it well. Apologizing is a very difficult process at times, especially when it is face-to-face. It can be painful for anyone--man, woman or child--to acknowledge that they have done "wrong" and to ask for forgiveness. I think it was an extremely valuable lesson for your daughter and one she will remember much more readily than if you had just written a letter and never put a "face" on it.

I completely agree and think you handled it perfectly.


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## EmsMom (Dec 13, 2001)

Kids tend to get extremely embarrassed when they do something wrong. Especially if they didn't even know that it was wrong to begin with. I would have probably gone in and apologized for the kids erasing the sign and offered to rewrite it. My kids would have gotten a kick out of fixing it and it would be a good model of apologizing and making something right again. I think that making a kid apologize like that could be kind of shaming, but witnessing a grown-ups real apology and attempt to fix something could be quite empowering. I came to this conclusion after a similar incident with my dd when she was about 5 (stealing). I asked her to apologize but it was embarrassing for her. She still has a much harder time apologizing than younger her brother whose transgressions were handled differently. But the truth is that at 5 she wasn't really aware that taking every doll house doll from the library was really stealing -- they were just like her friends and they wanted to come along for the ride!


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Yep, I agree with jencen as well. You didn't go out of your way to overly shame your daughter. You brought her face to face with something she shouldn't have done, and it made her feel bad. And that's OK. What would have NOT been cool is if you would have stayed there and "made" her apologize after she was already upset. But you didn't do that. You did the right thing by apologizing for her, leaving, and then addressing it again at a calmer moment.


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *EmsMom* 
I think that making a kid apologize like that could be kind of shaming, but witnessing a grown-ups real apology and attempt to fix something could be quite empowering.

That's what I was afraid of - the shaming part. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I think I got caught up in the heat of the moment and probably should have taken a moment to think about it first. Had I done that, I would have thought of the letter sooner.

Quote:

I would have probably gone in and apologized for the kids erasing the sign and offered to rewrite it.
I don't think we could have done that. It was pretty fancy bubble letters, colored in, etc.


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## Momtwice (Nov 21, 2001)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 

After we split up and were on our way home, we talked about it and she said that I was "a little bit rude to make her cry in front of her friend and the coffee girl."


This is another human trait...to try to spread some of the blame around. Adults do this too. My ex does it all the time but that's another thread for another time.









I think you handled it fine and I think it's lovely that she drew a picture.









And I'm glad you have a loving relationship so she feels safe telling you she thought YOU were rude.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *RachelEve14* 
I probably would have gone in and apologized to the woman with dd, but I wouoldn't have made her apoligize. I would have just said to the woman "dd erased your sign, she's sorry / I'm sorry" and been done with it.

Me, too. I would have told ds we needed to tell the people inside so that it could be fixed, as well. I know talking to strangers can be hard for some people and I know my ds likes me to talk for him in the best of situations so I wouldn't expect him to actually apologize personally.


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## DevaMajka (Jul 4, 2005)

It sounds fine to me. Now that you know that it is a difficult situation for her, you can do it differently in the future, but I think I would have done the same thing you did.
When you noticed that she was crying, you didn't keep on the track of making her apologize- you did it for her. You suggested she write a letter to apologize, and it sounds like your dd was just fine with that.

If it were me, I might tell ds that now I know that that's a difficult thing for him, we will find another way to apologize in the future.


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## hempmama (Dec 16, 2004)

I think you handled it great, and I hope in the future you DON'T just go home and write letters. Going in to apologize was perfect. I think not giving her and the person she harmed the chance to face each other protects her from the natural consequences of her actions, and not in a good way. I don't think you should make her spit out the words "I'm sorry" through her tears(apologizing for her in that instance is appropriate), but I think if she destroys the work of another person, you owe both her and the other person some sort of apologetic circumstance. If she can't do it, then she can try going home and writing the letter again, but I don't think shyness excuses seeing a person's face when they learn of the harm done to them, KWIM?


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

I don't think you handled it all that badly. IMO, it was important to let an employee know that the sign had been erased so that it could be re-written ASAP, in addition to apologizing.

The best way to handle it would have been to explain to DD why what she did was wrong (as you did) and then walked into the coffee shop, not to have her apologize, but to apologize FOR her, but the primary reason for walking in there is to inform an employee that the chalkboard was erased.


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## GoBecGo (May 14, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *hempmama* 
I think you handled it great, and I hope in the future you DON'T just go home and write letters. Going in to apologize was perfect. I think not giving her and the person she harmed the chance to face each other protects her from the natural consequences of her actions, and not in a good way. I don't think you should make her spit out the words "I'm sorry" through her tears(apologizing for her in that instance is appropriate), but I think if she destroys the work of another person, you owe both her and the other person some sort of apologetic circumstance. If she can't do it, then she can try going home and writing the letter again, but I don't think shyness excuses seeing a person's face when they learn of the harm done to them, KWIM?









:

I was just coming back to post along these lines! As a parent i don't think it's my job to help my DD avoid things that are difficult, i think it's my job to help her face them.


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## Mommoo (Jun 26, 2008)

That's thought provoking indeed. I think I might have explained to DS that someone had worked hard to create that sign and that although it was within reach, it wasn't our property, then ask him to imagine how they might feel about the sign being erased (i.e. sad, frustrated). I might also ask him what we should do and offer suggestions. I like the idea of modeling by apologizing and maybe even sharing the burden of "blame" by saying "we erased your board, we are sorry, what can we do to help fix it?"


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## MrsSurplus (Dec 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *GoBecGo* 
As a parent i don't think it's my job to help my DD avoid things that are difficult, i think it's my job to help her face them.









Ditto! Good job, Mama!


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Mommoo* 
I like the idea of modeling by apologizing and maybe even sharing the burden of "blame" by saying "we erased your board, we are sorry, what can we do to help fix it?"

Not so sure about saying that WE did it, b/c I didn't do it. LOL

Now *I* sound like a 5 year old. But seriously, I would have helped her fix it if that's the solution we came up with and if I was the least bit good at bubble letters.







Apologizing on her behalf is one thing, but I don't think I should share the blame.


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## One_Girl (Feb 8, 2008)

I don't think you should excuse her from taking responsobility for her actions face to face just because she is shy. It may be that she was more upset by your reaction at first because it seemed harsh to her and by the time you got in there and put her up to apologizing it was to much for her and she cried. If she tends to be sensitive then she may respond better to a short statement in a cheerful tone like "They had the words so people could read the special of the day, you need to go in and tell them that you erased it and say you didn't realize it was important." I find that this kind of statement really helps my dd to realize that she did something that she needs to apologize for but when I keep my tone light she knows that I am not upset and she is able to keep from beating herself up about things and overreacting with a meltdown.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

Here's my take on the whole shaming thing: As long as you're not yelling at her or trying to make her feel bad, shame is not necessarily an emotion I would want to try to avoid. Feeling shame for erasing the board is a healthy reaction to doing something one should not do. It would be unnatural if the shame were imposed by someone else in the "shame on you" kind of way. But there's nothing wrong with being embarassed or ashamed when you do something wrong.


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

I would go in and tell the folks at the coffee shop just because they needed to know, and I'd apologize for her. Sometimes it's not reasonably possible to avoid embarrassing a child. I'd try to minimize the embarrassment in the way I told them and apologized for her, but the business deserves to know if their sign needs to be redone right away, and so I'd take care of it immediately, which can't be done by going home and writing a letter. I'd see the embarrassment as an unfortunate side effect and not a discipline tactic though. And I'd try to help her through it as gently as possible. But sometimes these things happen in life.


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## Mommoo (Jun 26, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *olliepop* 
Not so sure about saying that WE did it, b/c I didn't do it. LOL

Now *I* sound like a 5 year old. But seriously, I would have helped her fix it if that's the solution we came up with and if I was the least bit good at bubble letters.







Apologizing on her behalf is one thing, but I don't think I should share the blame.


Yeah, I hadn't thought of it that way. Good point!


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## mama*pisces (Feb 17, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Momtwice* 

I think you handled it fine and I think it's lovely that she drew a picture.









And I'm glad you have a loving relationship so she feels safe telling you she thought YOU were rude.

ITA

It's rare to hear about a child being able to say that to his/her mom without having them totally freak out. It shows that you have a real relationship with her, and that you truly value her opinions and feelings.


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## boheime (Oct 25, 2005)

If this had happened in our family, we would have briefly discussed it with our children. Then we would go in, apologize (children would be welcome to apologize but we don't force apologies), and offer to rewrite the board or do something else to help out since they now have to rewrite it.


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## MtBikeLover (Jun 30, 2005)

I think you handled it fine and agree that you didn't shame her. She felt embarrassed because she did something she shouldn't have done and she had to let the people know. I have my kids do the same thing.

My kids have asked me to "cover" for them or apologize for them in the past but I never do it. I think it is really important for kids to be able to admit mistakes and apologize.

And the letter is a great idea as a follow-up. But for me, it would not replace telling the person immediately face to face.


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## kriket (Nov 25, 2007)

As a person who often has to write on chalk boards, Thank you for handling it the way that you did. Even if she cried, she got over it, and the girls at the shop got a really cute letter.







good job mama


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## olliepop (Jun 26, 2007)

We took the letter in today. I briefly explained the situation to the guy who was working and he took the letter. He read it, complimented dd on her handwriting, and said that he really appreciated the apology and the nice picture.

He also said he would be sure to give it to the "cofee grill" (coffee girl) the next time he saw her.

Thanks for all your replies. I really appreciate all the ideas and suggestions!


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## jaidymama (Jun 18, 2005)

This is something I can see myself having thought was a good idea and doing it.

So reading your post, I ask myself what was the actual damage in the instance. Since it was chalk it could easily have been rewritten, so an inconvenience to the store. At most maybe a couple lost customers(??) The fact that she had never done something like this before stands out to me. If I had been in your shoes, I would recommend to myself to ask her what she thinks she ought to do and go along with it, or suggest she tweak her idea or add to it. I also imagine I would have went into the shop with my child to tell the employee myself and ask if they would like us to fix it. My ds is shy, and thrusting him into certain situations would have the similar result.

The thing is it's easy to write out the situation and second guess it. In the moment you did what you thought was best, AND you were able to work out a satisfactory solution in the end. To me that's what we all do, and none of us could have done better.


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## mama2cal&darby (Jun 13, 2008)

First of all, I don't judge how you handled the situation, but if it were me...

I would have explained to my DC how their actions would have affected someone else and asked what she would like to do to repair the situation. While I discuss apologizing and the benefits of it with my DS, I never try and force him to do it. That is a big pet peeve of mine. I think it can be shaming and even promote disingenuous behaviour. As far as I'm concerned, an empty *sorry* means nothing.

I would, however have gone into the shop and modelled a sincere apology.


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## mama2cal&darby (Jun 13, 2008)

I just wanted to add that by going and apologizing I wouldn't be apologizing FOR my DC (that is, on her behalf), but rather telling the person at the counter that I was very sorry about the inconvenience they have been put through. KWIM? I certainly don't think we should take the blame for our children and thereby absolve them of responsibility.


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