# 8 month old cries when I leave the room...any advice?



## Neve (Jan 13, 2007)

I posted this in Life With Babe too, 22 reads and no responses. Thought I would try it here!







I think my once independent (or blissfully unaware) 8 month old is going through separation anxiety. Whether she is or not, I cannot leave the room, or even put her down now, without her crying.

She used to happily play for 10-15 minutes at a time in her crib or exersaucer while I did dishes, took a shower etc; but just in last couple of days she cries when I leave the room; even worse, I'll come back in so that she can see me, and she still cries until I pick her up.

Any ideas for how to how to handle this in a gentle way? I don't want to teach her that crying for no reason = mom picks her up.

Thanks mommies!


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## Natosha (Jan 19, 2008)

This so describes the little girl I babysit! I hope you get some advice because I need some too!


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## Neve (Jan 13, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Natosha* 
This so describes the little girl I babysit! I hope you get some advice because I need some too!

Hey Natosha (my college roomates name was Nakisha!)

I just found this article..has one good idea and some hope!









Click here for article http://www.parenting.com/parenting/b...537292,00.html


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## momma2libby (Apr 1, 2007)

My daughter was like that from birth (seriously) until recently...and she is 19 months. I can't really think of any adivce except to remember that this too shall pass







:


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## Embee (May 3, 2002)

NORMAL. NORMAL. NORMAL. I remember at 6 months, my DS would play for many minutes at a time, by himself, totally engrossed in whatever it was that he was experiencing. Not so at 8 months. Between 8 and 11 months was a very intense time of separation anxiety. My best advice is not to fight it. Do your best to get your own needs met... respond right away when you can, give her the reassurance she needs, and if you are unable to do that right away, get to her as soon as you can and validate her feelings.. "You're crying because you need me to cuddle you. I understand and I'll be there as soon as I can."

Whenever DS would go through cycles likes this I used to spend endless and useless energy pining away for the days when he was less dependent on me and it had a tendency to actually perpetuate the situation, add anxiety to both our lives: by not accepting reality, I caused myself needless suffering and in indicating to DS that I was frustrated by his inability to be independent for any length of time, I made his NEED to be close all the more intense because he could sense me pulling away. Babes are about survival and they'll do what it takes to get their needs met. If they feel threatened, they will up the ante and rightfully so. The only time to worry is when they give up such effort.

When I would finally relax and realize that I needed to trust that his actions were based on his own instinct and just BE THERE as much as I could, it passed overtime, without incident. Since, we go through stretches of independent behavior and cycles of dependent behavior. The cycle is neverending. I enjoy the independent times, and breathe deep during the other and realize that my time with DS is overall, tiny compared to the time he'll spend on his own once he no longer NEEDS me.

I never think of kids as crying for "no reason." Children's actions are absolutely inextricable to their inner feelings. They canNOT, _do not_ have the ability to separate the two. Therefore, all actions are to them, valid and necessary. They feel something, they express it, period. If my child needs me, I pick him up and give him what he needs. Sometimes tears are _still_ the behavior that happens to notify me of this...

One thing I would NOT worry about is the crying = pick up message. All these kinds of things just bring us further away from our own instincts. I remember getting caught up in this societal norm kind of thinking once or twice and it caused me and my child nothing but suffering. When I ignored this and acted on my own instinct, that my child was telling me something (no matter what language he is using, be it crying, throwing things, or what else), I was able to respond honestly and attend to my whole child rather than get caught up in his behavior.

One thing that truly helps me during times like these is that "in order to foster true independence, you must first invite dependence." Hold On To Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld. The attachement needs of a child can NEVER be underestimated.

I hope this helps. I'm sorry no replies on the other board. Weekends can be quieter around these parts. Hang in there mama... I know these kinds of times can be awfully exhausting. I used to leave DS with DH for an hour in the evening just to "get a moment." Yes, DS would cry when I left, but I left him with DH who created through these times his own special attachment with DS, and the tears would subside rather quickly after DS made the "switch."

I'm rambling... Frankly, DS has interrupted me numerous times during the writing of this and so I think I may have repeated myself and rambled way too much!

Suffice to say, I hear ya, hang in there!









Em


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## chrissy (Jun 5, 2002)

pick her up, the dishes can wait. she is 8 months old. if you pick her up, it will teach her that you love her and that you will be there for her when she is sad. that's a good thing, right?

ps- i know it's frustrating, but it will pass.


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## Limabean1975 (Jan 4, 2008)

Embee said it perfectly. Don't fight it, roll with it. It is a normal and natural and even GOOD part of childhood - in fact babies who do not start showing some kind of separation anxiety & preference for a primary caregiver by one year of age are often assessed for developmental issues. Your daughter is on track & attached to you wonderfully! I know it can be trying, but it will pass...then come again..then pass again...then she'll go through periods when she prefers Dad and you feel sad & left out...and so on and so on. Of course, when you have to pee you have to pee - but take her with you, set her on the floor (if it's safe), talk to her while you pee. Heck, I remember peeing with DS in a sling on me while I was on the toilet sometimes.


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## Gwendolyn's babies (Nov 22, 2007)

Mine is 8 months old and is starting to get really upset if I leave the room. So, I take him with me all over the place and he loves to follow me in his walker.

Just take the baby with you. It must be the age. Do you have a sling?


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Isn't that a typical 8-12 months phase?

Does she cry if she's just set down while you stay in the room? If she doesn't cry if she sees you continuously, move her with you. Yeah, it'll be a pain in the neck when you just need to do something for 5 minutes, but this shouldn't last too long.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momma2libby* 
My daughter was like that from birth (seriously) until recently...and she is 19 months. I can't really think of any adivce except to remember that this too shall pass







:

Always great advice and I hope to goodness your daughter liked being worn or I have no idea how you would've been able to do anything.


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## LynnS6 (Mar 30, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Neve* 
Any ideas for how to how to handle this in a gentle way? I don't want to teach her that crying for no reason = mom picks her up.

Thanks mommies!

I think it's helpful to remember that kids cry for a reason. At this age, she knows you disappear, but can't tell when (if ever!) you'll reappear. So, she's scared.

I agree with everything Embee said - meet your own needs quickly and as best you can. Bring her with you as much as you can. Reassure her with your voice when you can't be in the same space (like when you're taking a shower).

Some moms get backpacks/mei tais or whatever they need for this stage. Once they become mobil and can follow you, it gets easier. Heck, my 6 year old still follows me to the bathroom!

I also found that the more I tried to 'force' independence, the clingier my kids got. When I meet their needs for dependence, they relax and become more independent. Depending on the child, this might take several weeks or several months (I'll confess, ds had pretty intense separation anxiety from about 7 months through about 20 months, and he still has a high need for reassurance. And pretty intense stranger anxiety from 4 months through about 3 years! Some kids are just 'needier.' I think dd's stranger anxiety period lasted about 4 weeks.)


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## juju's mom (Mar 30, 2005)

slings/wraps are great! You are holding baby and washing dishes!


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## The4OfUs (May 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *momma2libby* 
My daughter was like that from birth (seriously) until recently...and she is 19 months. I can't really think of any adivce except to remember that this too shall pass







:

Hey, mine too! Well, no, wait - I had a blissful 3 months in there when she was around a year old where she didn't scream every time I took a dish into the kitchen from the dining room.







Then she got back into it a couple months ago. But she seems to be coming back out of it again now.

And I wholeheartedly agree with the PPs to step away from the "worried that they'll learn crying=attention", frame of mind. She's so little, she has no other way to communicate to you - she can't say, "Mom? Where are you? I can't see you!", so she cries. And you coming to her (or better yet, just keeping her with you) helps her feel secure.

I'll admit, I swore I'd never be one of "those moms" who peed with her kid on her lap. That was when I only had my happy-go-lucky, supremely independent and outgoing son, who never had a moment of separation anxiety at all (no seriously, he still never has at almost 4 yrs old - it would seem all of the sep anx skipped over him and was given to his sister instead







). Enter DD, who had it from her moment of birth and didn't want ANYONE but me holding her for the first 6+ months of her life (not even DH







) - instead of forcing something that would make her miserable, we worked with her, and she's coming out of it securely, independently on her own. She's even _preferring_ daddy now when he gets home from work, for the remainder of the evening...and I'll admit, I LOVE the little break every night.

Invest in a good back carrier. Mine lived in the Beco from 6-12 months, she was in it at least a few hours every day while I did the stuff I needed to be moving from room to room to do, or if we were out and about.

It's emotionally exhausting sometimes, I know. But there's really nothing that you need to "do" about it, other than bring her around with you and let her know that she's safe and secure with you.


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## ruhbehka (Nov 5, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sapphire_chan* 
Always great advice and I hope to goodness your daughter liked being worn or I have no idea how you would've been able to do anything.

I'm not the person who posted that, but my son (at 17 mos) has been the same pretty much since birth, and actually doesn't much like to be worn. He's only recently warmed up to being held in a Mei Tai for a few minutes at a time.

I've always had to do things in teeny tiny steps. If I want to make muffins, I will get out the bowl and dump the flour in, then DS will need my attention, so I might pick him up and engage him in playing with his Little People on the floor. Then I might add the sugar, baking powder, and salt.

Then I might have to put him on a chair and let him dump the pumpkin and oil in the other bowl and stir that up.

Then we might go out to the living room and I will get him to push his push-toy around for a bit, while I sneak back and add the other ingredients.

Usually at that point, I decide muffins will become a loaf of quick bread, instead, and dump all the batter into one pan and bake it.









When I wash dishes, I literally wash 1 - 2 dishes at a time, pausing between them to re-engage DS in an activity or to stop and play with him for a minute or two.

It's not easy, but when you have a high needs baby or toddler who thrives on social interaction, you do what you gotta do.









(I also try to do some chores when we have friends over for playdates, because DS plays very well with other kids, needs little supervision, and is less interested in me if there are other people around!)


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## N2beingamom (Apr 15, 2007)

My little man did the same thing starting right at 7 mos when he got really mobile. He's almost through month 8 and doing quite a bit better with this. When this was at its most intense, I pretty much wore him or carried him with me. He was also really unstable and learning to stand at that time so I couldn't really leave him alone for a split second.

I should say, the thing that was the absolute WORST was if I tried to get him distracted with toys and slip out of the room. Bad bad bad. He really flipped out when he noticed I was gone.

Our living room is baby proofed and gated so DS can stay there. Since he is now stable on his feet (holding onto things) and I don't have to spot him every second, two things have worked for us that I haven't seen in previous posts. First...If I'm doing something outside of the gates where he can see me, I take him to the gate and involve him throughout. eg..."want to watch mommy put the doggie outside? There's the doggie. Fuzzy doggie...." etc. Throw in a little mommy acting crazy and he enjoys the show.

Second, I play peekaboo. If he is rested and happy I can make quick trips to a nearby room doable by popping my head around the corner every few seconds for a peekaboo. The key for us is always making sure he sees me leaving the room and talking to him as I go. He usually heads to the gate for peekaboo.

Good luck.


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## a(TM)?Star (Oct 13, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chrissy* 
pick her up, the dishes can wait. she is 8 months old. if you pick her up, it will teach her that you love her and that you will be there for her when she is sad. that's a good thing, right?

ps- i know it's frustrating, but it will pass.


Quote:


Originally Posted by *Gwendolyn's babies* 
Mine is 8 months old and is starting to get really upset if I leave the room. So, I take him with me all over the place and he loves to follow me in his walker.

Just take the baby with you. It must be the age. Do you have a sling?


SLING!!!!


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## Rumba (Dec 3, 2007)

You have 12 replies on the LWAB forum.


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## Shaki (Mar 15, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *jacks mom* 
SLING!!!!









Yep sling. Or mei tai, wrap, Ergo! Check out the babywearing forum, if you need sling help.


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## abi&ben'smom (Oct 28, 2007)

Mine were both like that. We bought one of those jumping things that you hang from the doorways. That would give me a few minutes to pee, take a quick shower, brush teeth, etc. That also meant that I was peeing with the door open, but it was worth it. Also, this was the age that I carried Ambisol around. Maybe she's teething. Good luck!


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## alegna (Jan 14, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chrissy* 
pick her up, the dishes can wait. she is 8 months old. if you pick her up, it will teach her that you love her and that you will be there for her when she is sad. that's a good thing, right?

ps- i know it's frustrating, but it will pass.









:

This is not a discipline issue. Well at least not for baby









Us moms have to discipline ourselves to respond to our babies' needs even when it feels like they're pushing our buttons.







They're not. They're just babies.

-Angela


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## mamazee (Jan 5, 2003)

Discipline isn't relevant IRT babies. You just love them and do the best you can. And wait for them to outgrow one stage and grow into the next.

Anyway, you can never teach a child anything bad by holding and loving him or her.


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## Jen1977 (Oct 8, 2006)

But with the extra info you added here, I wonder if she isn't feeling good lately? My baby (8 months) got way extra clingy, cranky, sad in general when she was sick. Just a thought. What great responses you got here! I think I'll hang out in this section a while









P.S. the ergo carrier is our favorite


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## Arielle (Jan 23, 2008)

This is normal, unfortunatly. It will only get worse if you let baby cry too much because then an insecurity can form. My daughter just outgrew this stage. I have a backpack that I used while doing dishes and cooking dinner. To my neighbors I looked like a carzy woman, but I had to do what I had to do. I knew no one else was going to cook or clean.
My advise is to wear your baby. If you are near Salinas Ca I'd be more than happy to let you use one of my backpacks!


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## 425lisamarie (Mar 4, 2005)

get something for a back carry. I carried mine from newborn on my back when needed. It's so much easier to get used to that then to try to find a way to keep them happy while you need to do something


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## Lauren82 (Feb 26, 2007)

I 2nd the carrier/sling idea. My 4.5 month old also tolerates sitting in her high chair right next to me in the kitchen while I wash dishes or cook. She sits in her bouncy seat in the bathroom while I bathe. The other 95% of the day I wear her or hold her. It keeps both her and I happy.


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## Neve (Jan 13, 2007)

Thanks Mommas!! You are all so right. I was trying to fight it, and then the other day I held her ALL DAy in my sling/ergo whatever it took, and she was soooooooooo happy and smiley all day and into the next. I even felt better because my instinct is not to listen to everyone who says "she needs to learn independence" etc.

All about doing things your own way and trusting that inner voice!!


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## Terrilein (Jan 9, 2007)

This is what I learned from my nanny course in Germany:
Babies start getting separation anxiety upwards from 7 months. This is actually GOOD because it means the baby has bonded/attached with a parent/other person. The separation anxiety should become really intense between 12-18 months, but should be resolved by the time the child is two. Until then, the absolute best thing you should do is to meet your child's needs. A child with a positive bonding experience in this phase is a more well-adjusted child later in childhood.


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## mimiharshe (Oct 16, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chrissy* 
pick her up, the dishes can wait. she is 8 months old. if you pick her up, it will teach her that you love her and that you will be there for her when she is sad. that's a good thing, right?

ps- i know it's frustrating, but it will pass.

ITA


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## FancyD (Apr 22, 2005)

It totally passes.







You'll miss this when she's a big girl.


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## sapphire_chan (May 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Neve* 
Thanks Mommas!! You are all so right. I was trying to fight it, and then the other day I held her ALL DAy in my sling/ergo whatever it took, and she was soooooooooo happy and smiley all day and into the next. I even felt better because my instinct is not to listen to everyone who says "she needs to learn independence" etc.

All about doing things your own way and trusting that inner voice!!









Awesome!









(Note, even though some people use







to be sarcastic UA violations, I only use it to sincerely show approval.)


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