# child wiped nose on my dress



## cheery (Jul 29, 2004)

A child in the playground wiped her nose on my dress. I know the child and her parents. SHe is 7 so I think she is old enough to be told that she should not do this. However I did not say anything to her or her parents. I would have liked to, if I knew how / what to say, but since I did not, I figured it probably won't happen again and why make an issue of it. On the other hand I want to be prepared in case it does happen again what to say to the child and/or her parents.

TIA


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## elspethshimon (Nov 23, 2007)

I would probably crack up laughing if a seven year old wiped her nose on my dress.

That said, you could keep a hanky in your bag or pocket and say something like, "Oh, you don't have to do that. You are welcome to use my hanky/tissues any time you want, just let me know."

I don't know if that is GD appropriate, as I do not have children and I don't think I would make an issue of it. Once I am around kids (of all ages), I pretty much accept the inevitable onslaught of bodily fluids.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Well, it could happen again because she thinks it's ok to do so.

How about, "Oh honey, let's use a tissue instead of my dress (clothes) that way the icky germs can go right in the trash when your done."

Or,

"Dresses are for wearing, tissues are for blowing noses sweetie. Here's a tissue."


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## ~ZooBabies~ (Jan 20, 2008)

I absolutely think that 7 is old enough to know better!
I think that is gross. Sure, if a child sneezes unexpectedly on you, that's understandable. I agree, kids bring along tons of opportunity for contact w/ "fluids". But purposely wiping a nose on a dress, that's *gross*, IMO.
I would have said/would say next time: "Please don't do that. If you need a tissue, I can surely get you one!"


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I don't think it's anti-GD to let someone know you don't want her wiping her nose on your dress ... I'd also say something if another child was putting her bodily fluids on my child -- as in, "Yuck! we don't want that on our clothes!"

Normally I believe in leaving it up to parents to address their children's misbehavior -- but when they're doing something directly to me or mine, I'm sure going to say something.


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## shayinme (Jan 2, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I don't think it's anti-GD to let someone know you don't want her wiping her nose on your dress ... I'd also say something if another child was putting her bodily fluids on my child -- as in, "Yuck! we don't want that on our clothes!"

Normally I believe in leaving it up to parents to address their children's misbehavior -- but when they're doing something directly to me or mine, I'm sure going to say something.

Ditto. At 7 there is nothing wrong with telling the child not to do that...

Shay


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Wow. She must really trust you. I'd say, I'd rather you not wipe your nose on me. Would you like a tissue and a cup of tea?


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *shayinme* 
Ditto. At 7 there is nothing wrong with telling the child not to do that...

Shay

I don't even think it's wrong to say it to a younger child: If you say nothing, they're liable to think it doesn't bug you.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Unless the child has special needs. I know my 4.5 yo will wipe her face/nose.. whatever... on anything nearby. Over christmas she ruined someones white suede coat by wiping her candy cane face on it.


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## phathui5 (Jan 8, 2002)

I would have said, "Ew, don't wipe your nose on me."


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## bl987ue (Mar 14, 2006)

Bleah. I agree that it is gross and way out of line. I would have said "Don't wipe your nose on me--get a tissue!"


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## cheery (Jul 29, 2004)

I know! It's gross isn't it??
Why did I say nothing?

1) it was a fly-by wipe while playing freeze tag. like she was just rubbing her nose on the run. She was gone before I realized what had happened. Id have had to call her, remind her of what she did, and then say, "dont do that ..."
2) i didnt want to embarass her or her mother in front of the others.

But from now on I shall carry extra hankies and be prepared for such situations.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Yeah, "ACK! Don't do that!" would have been my response.

Blorf.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

But, I'm wondering if the snarky responses would be appropriate to say if one is looking for a GD response?


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## Fuamami (Mar 16, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cheery* 
I know! It's gross isn't it??
Why did I say nothing?

1) it was a fly-by wipe while playing freeze tag. like she was just rubbing her nose on the run. She was gone before I realized what had happened. Id have had to call her, remind her of what she did, and then say, "dont do that ..."
2) i didnt want to embarass her or her mother in front of the others.

But from now on I shall carry extra hankies and be prepared for such situations.

That seems kind of weird, and like she might have some special needs? I can see my nephew doing that, and he has some sensory issues and other stuff going on, mostly what I would call boundary issues. I think the best approach for him is always very clear, non-blaming, non-shaming information, kind of like the pp who said, "Kleenexes are for noses, dresses are for wearing. Let's ask someone for a Kleenex," or whatever. Especially because he's very bright and can learn, but that stuff does NOT come naturally to him.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cheery* 
.....But from now on I shall carry extra hankies and be prepared for such situations.

I don't think any adult should have to carry hankies on the off chance that some errant child, somewhere in the world, might rub snot on her clothes. What the child did was wrong-- and there's no excuse unless the child had some learning or developmental disability. (Thank heaven the average 7 year old one encounters knows better than to use someone else's clothing for facial tissue.) If this child does this to you again, you need to tell the child to use a tissue. Then you need to inform the parents. If she feels free to do this to you, can you imagine what other things she might be doing to/with others? Her lack of awareness about boundries may put her in danger at some point. Her parents need to be on the lookout for serious boundry issues so that they can keep her safe, if that turns out to be what is needed.

xoe


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

wow.
harsh.
I'm glad the mama whose coat my dd ruined didn't have a reaction like that.


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## captain optimism (Jan 2, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *elspethshimon* 
I would probably crack up laughing if a seven year old wiped her nose on my dress.

That said, you could keep a hanky in your bag or pocket and say something like, "Oh, you don't have to do that. You are welcome to use my hanky/tissues any time you want, just let me know."

I don't know if that is GD appropriate, as I do not have children and I don't think I would make an issue of it. Once I am around kids (of all ages), I pretty much accept the inevitable onslaught of bodily fluids.

Wow, that is pretty awesome! I love how relaxed you are. You are so ready to have children!

I would be pretty freaked out if any of the seven-year-olds in my life did that, because it's not really age-appropriate and I would be worried. Sidling up and getting close, yes--nose wiping, no. So I would have said something gentle like what you say, but then I would have wanted to talk with the parents about it. When younger children get close to me and hug me and stuff, I don't worry. So far no one has wiped his or her nose on me.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
But, I'm wondering if the snarky responses would be appropriate to say if one is looking for a GD response?

I guess I didn't think the responses were snarky or non-GD.

I think authentic responses (within reason, obviously) and letting people know that you want them to stop a behavior immediately or not do it again are within GD.

My response to a 3 year old would probably be softer. But a 7 yr. old? I can't imagine needing to say anything other than, "Please don't do that." Barring special needs, they mostly know that kleenexes are for noses. Three year olds, not so much.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I asked dp what she would do ('cause she's the best mother in the entire wide world.) She shrugged and said, "I'd figure it was an accident. And I wouldn't want to embarrass the kid. Unless it was [our 8 year old autistic friend]. And then it's not like saying something would matter."

So OP....the best mother in the world would treat it the same way you did....like an accident in the middle of a rousing game.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Well, I'd certainly want to know if *my* 7yo had wiped her nose on someone else's clothes. I wouldn't want her to be humiliated, and I wouldn't punish her. I'd want to know, 'cause if she were doing stuff like that (as a developmentally normal 7yo), I'd feel a need to watch her more closely, and spend more time talking about social niceties. I'd feel like somehow I'd fallen down on the job, for her to not realize by age 7 that you just don't do that.

Of course, in the run-by kind of situation the OP just described, I can understand the OP just letting it go and not bringing it up to the parent.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
wow.
harsh.
I'm glad the mama whose coat my dd ruined didn't have a reaction like that.

I didn't see Xoe's response as harsh. She said she'd tell the child to use a tissue, and inform the parents of what happened. It's not like she said she'd let loose an avalanche of rage and humiliate the poor child or the parents.

Also, while I wouldn't be harsh to a child who ruined my coat -- I'd certainly feel that the child's parents should offer to replace the ruined item.

And of course you probably offered to do this -- it's not my business one way or the other. But maybe the mama didn't react harshly because she knew you were aware of what happened and would be willing to rectify the damage.

Actually, I still wouldn't react harshly to the child, even if the parents did nothing to right the wrong -- and I wouldn't go off on the parents or demand anything, either. But I would be quietly offended if such a thing happened and there were no move to make restitution.


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## llamalluv (Aug 24, 2007)

Why didn't she wipe her nose on HER OWN clothes?!


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

all bets are off when you play freeze tag around here! Don't wear your good coat!!

Kudos to the OP for being a good sport.

Here's how I read it: If someone posted: a 7 year old came up and kicked me in the shin, what do you think I should have done, there'd be outraged post after outraged post saying a 7 year old should be old enough to know blah blah blah....If the post said, I was playing soccer with a 7 year old and they overshot and kicked me in the leg....the reaction is (appropriately) different.

In a wintertime freeze tag game with little kids, some snot may end up on your clothes. Those of you without 7 year olds, take warning!!







Did the kid un-freeze you? Was s/he it? Were you? I love to play freeze tag with the kids! But I'm liable to end up slightly bruised, muddy, cold .... and maybe a little messier than I planned!


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llamalluv* 







Why didn't she wipe her nose on HER OWN clothes?!

'Cause snot is yucky and she didn't want to mess up her pretty outfit?


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## octobermom (Aug 31, 2005)

I'd pretty much just handle it the way I've done with my own child at varies ages and reasons or daycare kids etc.. No no honey not on clothes here lets find a tissue. If child asks why I answer if not I just redirrect as politely and as firmly as I need to be appropiate in the situation.


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llamalluv* 







Why didn't she wipe her nose on HER OWN clothes?!

Just a guess? Really into the game, nose running from cold, not entirely aware it was runny, wiped on the fly as she un-froze or froze somebody.

Freeze tag is serious stuff!


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

If that happened to me, I would have told the child "wipe your nose on your own shirt!" or "Please don't use my dress as a tissue- if you need a tissue then ask for one", directly to the child at the time of the incident. I'd probably not involve her parents.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llamalluv* 







Why didn't she wipe her nose on HER OWN clothes?!









My child never ever would get something gooey on his clothes on pupose. If he did, he'd immediately take it off. But he was always very happy to wipe it on MY shirt.

In the OP's situation, I'd assume it was a bit of an accident.

I have seen my ds, at age 5, discretely wiping his hands on an other person. He was playing in a creek and dried his hands by patting someone on the back. It was really funny.

If a three-ish yo wiped their nose on me, I'd actually feel pretty honored (and amused) that he or she was that comfortable with me but I would gently suggest a tissue be used in the future.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:

Also, while I wouldn't be harsh to a child who ruined my coat -- I'd certainly feel that the child's parents should offer to replace the ruined item.
And what if the parents couldn't afford to replace the item? If a 3 yr old wipes her face on my seude coat I would say- dang! I should have kept it out of reach of a 3 year old.

I wouldn't offer to replace an item because I could never afford to replace a seude anything.


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## Ruthla (Jun 2, 2004)

Wiping snot on a coat would ruin it?







I though clothes could be washed, or at least dry cleaned?


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Ruth- I was referring the poster who mentioned her daughter wiped her candycaned face on someone's seude coat.

Yeah- snot washable.

I even think candycane+seude+water water= clean coat?


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## Slabobbin (Jan 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
And what if the parents couldn't afford to replace the item? If a 3 yr old wipes her face on my seude coat I would say- dang! I should have kept it out of reach of a 3 year old.

I wouldn't offer to replace an item because I could never afford to replace a seude anything.

I may be reading you wrong, actually I *hope* that I am. But are you saying that if your child ruins something that belongs to someone else that it is the *other persons* fault because they should have kept it up? And that because you do not have extra funds that you would do nothing and basically say "Oh well, I'm poor so it's your problem"?







:

As for the rest of the thread, threads like this are why I get so confused reading the GD forum. In some threads one thing seems to be accepted as GD but then in others, like this one, just telling a child "Please don't wipe your snot on me" is considered SNARKY!? I don't get it.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:

I may be reading you wrong, actually I *hope* that I am. But are you saying that if your child ruins something that belongs to someone else that it is the *other persons* fault because they should have kept it up? And that because you do not have extra funds that you would do nothing and basically say "Oh well, I'm poor so it's your problem"?
What I said was, that if it was MY coat and I left it down low then I would think, man I should have put that up higher.

And ya know if I don't have any money to repair or replace something, how would me offering to replace something matter? And if the person said, "yes I would appreciate you replacing it" then what?

And yes, if you go somewhere children are, use some common sense. Especially a place where toddlers or young children will be running around.

Just like, if you have a wine glass, put it out of the way when you set it down.
something you want left alone, put it out of reach or in another room

It's called personal responsibility.

And while yes, a parent should watch after their child, others need to take responsibility as well.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

slab- snark isn't saying "please don't do that" or "let me get you a tissue."

Snark is ACK! Gross! STOP it!

It's humiliating and embarrassing. Why react off the cuff when you don't know the intent?


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## Slabobbin (Jan 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
slab- snark isn't saying "please don't do that" or "let me get you a tissue."

Snark is ACK! Gross! STOP it!

It's humiliating and embarrassing. Why react off the cuff when you don't know the intent?

Well first, I disagree with saying "Ack!" or "Gross" is snarky (eta - my definition of "snarky" being snide or smart alek). Second, I think that reacting off the off is often a natural instinctual reaction. When I see a spider, I jump back...I don't think about it, I just do it. If some random kid wiped snot on me - I am likely to jump back and say "Eww" before I even think.

Lastly, unless my child had some type of developmental or social problems/issues, I would WANT them to be embarrassed if they were to wipe their nose on someone! Sometimes a little natural consequenses work when all of the teaching in the world doesn't.


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## Slabobbin (Jan 29, 2004)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
And ya know if I don't have any money to repair or replace something, how would me offering to replace something matter? And if the person said, "yes I would appreciate you replacing it" then what?

I don't know but it would be your responsibility to figure *something* out. You are responsible for your child and for the damage they cause. Maybe barter, offer to do odd jobs for them in leiu of money, etc.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
And while yes, a parent should watch after their child, others need to take responsibility as well.

I disagree. I put the ball in the parent's court. People should not have to worry about their possessions being ruined by other people's children. In the case of someone's coat being ruined or soiled...I don't even know that the person *could* do anything. I mean are you really supposed to take so much "personal responsibility" that you don't even wear your coat out when it is cold in fear that some random child is going to soil it?


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

If I'm in my house having tea and a child comes up and soils my expensive suit, maybe I have some claim against the parent. Of course, my approach is not to wear anything like that right now!

If I'm out playing freeze tag and my coat gets dirty .... nope, nobody owes me anything.


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## monkey's mom (Jul 25, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Slabobbin* 
Well first, I disagree with saying "Ack!" or "Gross" is snarky (eta - my definition of "snarky" being snide or smart alek). Second, I think that reacting off the off is often a natural instinctual reaction. When I see a spider, I jump back...I don't think about it, I just do it. If some random kid wiped snot on me - I am likely to jump back and say "Eww" before I even think.

I agree with this.

My, "ACK!" wouldn't be designed to make the child feel badly, it would be a natural expression that would indicate surprise and distaste--I'm OK conveying those to children.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Potty Diva* 
And what if the parents couldn't afford to replace the item? If a 3 yr old wipes her face on my seude coat I would say- dang! I should have kept it out of reach of a 3 year old.

I wouldn't offer to replace an item because I could never afford to replace a seude anything.

Well, I can't afford to replace a suede coat. I also didn't offer to. I apologized, and tried to do what I could to wipe it off.. but without actually taking the coat and using water on it, etc.. I couldn't really attempt to clean it. Nor did the other woman make any moves to do so.

I was mortified. I was beyond embarrassed. So much so that if no one had actually SEEN my daughter do it, I might be tempted to take her and run. But someone watched her do it, and I needed to fess up to it. My daughter had no idea it was inappropriate, and shaming would do nothing. I helped her wash up, and let her know what she did.. but really, she makes no connection. So the guilt lies soley on me.

This was a dance studio reception room. The coat was unattended just laying on the couch. Should my daughter know better because of her age? Probably. But because of other social/developmental issues.. she does not.

It probably doesn't matter much, but the woman wasn't really upset and seemed like she didn't care. I think I was more upset than she was.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Ruthla* 
Wiping snot on a coat would ruin it?







I though clothes could be washed, or at least dry cleaned?

You might be right.







I'm not sure. I don't own anything suede.


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## tm2840 (Feb 23, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
the woman wasn't really upset and seemed like she didn't care. I think I was more upset than she was.

Perhaps she wasn't upset because you handled the issue with integrity. Your child (not in a mean-spirited fashion) damaged someone's possession. You let the person know you felt badly about it and tried to make amends.

I'd have a very different response to someone who said, "Oh I'm so sorry!" than to someone who said nothing or "Well, if you use something around kids you're just asking for it to be damaged." The second is probably true (kids are pretty unpredictable). But the first would take the sting out of having an item soiled or ruined.

We work hard to honor our children's feelings even when we can't change a situation. In a perfect world my feelings (sadness, anger, regret and feeling stupid for having left a white suede coat unattended at a kid's event!) would be honored also.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
wow.
harsh.
I'm glad the mama whose coat my dd ruined didn't have a reaction like that.

*Exactly what is "harsh" about telling a 7 year old "You need to use a tissue"???* Or are you saying you think it's harsh to let her parents know she needs to use a tissue? As I see it, this is simply information that this child sorely needs. Perhaps it's information the parents need, as well. Personally, if my child did something this inappropriate, I'd want to know so that I could make sure my child understood they made a poor choice, and in the future they needed to make a choice that didn't impact others in such an offensive and unhealthy way. Really....the kid could have at least used her own sleeve, if nothing else.

xoe


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xoe* 
*Exactly what is "harsh" about telling a 7 year old "You need to use a tissue"???* Or are you saying you think it's harsh to let her parents know she needs to use a tissue? As I see it, this is simply information that this child sorely needs. Perhaps it's information the parents need, as well. Personally, if my child did something this inappropriate, I'd want to know so that I could make sure my child understood they made a poor choice, and in the future they needed to make a choice that didn't impact others in such an offensive and unhealthy way. Really....the kid could have at least used her own sleeve, if nothing else.

xoe

I don't think you need to bold everything. I wasn't yelling at _you._ I am too tired/lazy right now to go back and remember exactly what I was responding too.. but I believe it was probably something to do with the taking it up with the parent. Reading waaaaay too much into the situation. Assuming that the child doesn't know, and if they don't its your moral obligation to let the childs parents know exactly how they've failed as parents.

And of course I was also feeling a bit bristly because of my own situation. Knowing that my child does not understand that its wrong, no matter how many times I tell her or get embarrassed because of it. I can't stay in my home 24/7. Accidents do happen, and I try my best to apologize and help remedy it if I can. I even go through the motions of "disciplining" my daughter (talking, explaining, showing her the damage, reiterating again where we wipe our nose/mouth) even though I know I might as well be talking to the wall. I realize this makes the other person feel validated, so I do it anyway. Then I later feel guilty that I'm expecting too much from my daughter who has no clue when she's disappointed someone else.

Honestly, I am glad you were not the woman whose coat she wiped her mouth on. I was horribly embarrassed to begin with, and your reaction would have probably crushed me that day, and my feelings would have been hurt for my daughter.

I guess, special needs or not.. I wouldn't approach the situation the way you said you would. Its simply not that big of a deal to me. Certainly not an OMG! kinda deal. Nothing I'd have a sit down meeting with the parents over.







I guess maybe if the parents didn't care at all, or said rude things like "Well don't leave your coat there then!" I could see being really upset. But, what if I hadn't seen my daughter wipe her mouth on the coat? Do you know how much a strong reaction would have confused her? She would have no idea what she even did wrong, or how to fix it. And likely when she did it a second time you'd be even more perplexed and angry. LOL


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Okay, so now I'm wondering...How many of the people who think it wasn't an accident and something should be said play freeze tag in the cold?

I swear this is like playing soccer and getting kicked, but people are clearly seeing it differently.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *tm2840* 
Perhaps she wasn't upset because you handled the issue with integrity. Your child (not in a mean-spirited fashion) damaged someone's possession. You let the person know you felt badly about it and tried to make amends.

I'd have a very different response to someone who said, "Oh I'm so sorry!" than to someone who said nothing or "Well, if you use something around kids you're just asking for it to be damaged." The second is probably true (kids are pretty unpredictable). But the first would take the sting out of having an item soiled or ruined.

We work hard to honor our children's feelings even when we can't change a situation. In a perfect world my feelings (sadness, anger, regret and feeling stupid for having left a white suede coat unattended at a kid's event!) would be honored also.

Oh for Heaven's sake. I would never say, "oh too bad dear." If my child soiled/ruined something. I would apologize profusely of course and feel horrible about it. My goodness.

And I would feel even worse that we do not have funds to replace the item. I don't know what I would do except feel horrible about it.

I was pointing out that offering to replace something isn't always feasible and wouldn't be for my family.

EX: Kailey was three and threw a tantrum in MIL's car. She kicked the door and the window came down. It wouldn't go back up. She kicked it as I was getting out of the car to get her out of the car. We didn't have money to replace the window. I felt horrible about the window. I apologize like crazy. I even spanked my daughter (even though we are a non-spanking family) because I felt so horrible about it and knew we could not replace the window.

2 months later we found out that it wasn't Kailey's kick that ruined the window. It was defect in the car. Her little kick wouldn't have caused the window to bust like it did.


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## Potty Diva (Jun 18, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
Okay, so now I'm wondering...How many of the people who think it wasn't an accident and something should be said play freeze tag in the cold?

I swear this is like playing soccer and getting kicked, but people are clearly seeing it differently.

It is exactly like playing soccer and getting kicked. Heck I'm 37 and might wiped snot on a fellow taggers sleeve


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## emma_goldman (May 18, 2005)

I might bring it up with the kid next time I see her: "remember when___?, well, I was wondering why you did that..."

Maybe she has some interesting reason?


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## pigpokey (Feb 23, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *monkey's mom* 
I guess I didn't think the responses were snarky or non-GD.

I think authentic responses (within reason, obviously) and letting people know that you want them to stop a behavior immediately or not do it again are within GD.

My response to a 3 year old would probably be softer. But a 7 yr. old? I can't imagine needing to say anything other than, "Please don't do that." Barring special needs, they mostly know that kleenexes are for noses. Three year olds, not so much.

I agree. I wouldn't say it is snarky to say almost anything that is not a personal attack.


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## 4evermom (Feb 3, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
You might be right.







I'm not sure. I don't own anything suede.

I have a suede coat that got a horrible smell from being in the basement. I've run it through the washer multiple times trying to get the smell out. The leather is fine but it still stinks.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *4evermom* 
I have a suede coat that got a horrible smell from being in the basement. I've run it through the washer multiple times trying to get the smell out. The leather is fine but it still stinks.

Well I guess its good that it was candy cane mess instead of vomit then huh?


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## sunnmama (Jul 3, 2003)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
Okay, so now I'm wondering...How many of the people who think it wasn't an accident and something should be said play freeze tag in the cold?

I swear this is like playing soccer and getting kicked, but people are clearly seeing it differently.

I could see it happening accidentally--snot transfer on collision. In that situation, with the kids I know, I would cheerfully yell "Aack! You snotted me!" and we all would







: Nothing much funnier than boogers, except maybe farts









But rubbing your nose on someone as you run by is different. I don't think it was an accident, but I also don't think it was a conscious decision. Maybe this child has a habit of wiping her runny nose on anything that is convenient--the sofa, the bed, the leg of mom's pants.... She probably didn't even realize she did it. I'd be pretty grossed out, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.


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## cheery (Jul 29, 2004)

Wow this is the longest thread I've ever started. Amazing ... and completely unexpected









Quote:

I don't think it was an accident, but I also don't think it was a conscious decision. Maybe this child has a habit of wiping her runny nose on anything that is convenient--the sofa, the bed, the leg of mom's pants.... She probably didn't even realize she did it. I'd be pretty grossed out, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.
Yeah this is exactly right.

I wish I had reacted right away with an "ACK" or even a more articulate, "do you need a tissue?" Not that I had one handy but anyway, I would have no problem saying anything if I had said it right away as an immediate response. Even "Oh gross, dont do that!" would have been okay. Just after the fact calling her attention to it, I didn't bother with. I am also not sure what is the protocol for talking with other kids about their behaviour - generally I prefer other parents to tell me rather than directly tell dd but maybe this changes as children get older? I am kind of worried that when you tell another parent it becomes something more serious and other parent may feel obligated to discipline the child less gently (as a PP related). OTOH I feel maybe it is more appropriate to inform the parents and let them handle it as it may be easier for a child to get these kids of messages from her parents than another parent? I have tried both ways and I am never really sure which is better.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

I hadn't thought about dry-cleaning: I'd probably offer to pay the dry-cleaning bill before I'd offer to replace the coat. I don't have anything suede either -- but googled it and, at a glance, found prices for suede coats ranging from $50-something to $600. We usually don't have that much on-hand, either -- but could probably pay the bill in installments.

Of course, now that I realize the coat was stained while being left on a chair at a child's event -- I might be more inclined to just apologize profusely.

I think I reacted more to the accusation of "harshness" toward someone who simply advocated saying "Use a Kleenex," and mentioning what happened to the parents.

I agree with Nature that a sit-down conference wouldn't be warranted (and never read Xoe's post as specifying a sit-down conference) -- and I'm actually not sure if I'd mention it to the parent: I just know that *I'd* want to know if it were my 7yo.

Of course, this discussion began with the simple information that a 7yo wiped her nose on someone's dress -- then later the information was introduced that it was a run-by incident during a game of freeze-tag. So some of us have continued discussing the broader issue of how they'd respond if a 7yo wiped her nose on their clothes -- while others are focusing in on the freeze-tag thing, and seem to think we're being kind of petty and not understanding what a serious sport freeze-tag is.

Just how much do we want to narrow the discussion? I, personally, think it's okay to let a child know I don't like having snot wiped on my clothes. Yeah, if it happened during a game of freeze-tag, and the child was yards away before I fully realized what happened, that'd probably be one time that I just let it pass.

But, as to the general issue of 7yo's who'd wipe their snot on someone else's clothes: I think it's gross, and if my 7yo ever did that, I'd want the other person to say something like, "Ew! Don't wipe your snot on me!" I know my 7yo would be grossed out if someone wiped their snot on _her_.


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## ~ZooBabies~ (Jan 20, 2008)

Ok, did I miss something? I thought she said "A 7 y/o wiped her nose on my dress."

Where did this accident during freeze tag junk come in?

If a child is playing tag, runs by and wipes her nose bc its dripping and there's nothing available, then ok, I would still say "Oh, let me get you a tissue!"

But if a 7 y/o stood there, looked at me and _then_ wiped her nose (which this is what I was thinknig the OP meant) then I would be like Ew (in my head) and say "Please don't do that, let me get you a tissue!"

JMO. We're talking about a 7y/o, not a 2 y/o


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *~ZooBabies~* 
JMO. We're talking about a 7y/o, not a 2 y/o









Yeah, my 2yo absolutely wouldn't care if someone wiped their snot on her (or their poop for that matter







). So while I'd certainly discuss it with her, I wouldn't be alarmed like I would if my 7yo walked up and did that to someone. She already knows that it's gross, and she doesn't want it on her -- so why would she put it on someone else, you know?


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *sunnmama* 
I could see it happening accidentally--snot transfer on collision. In that situation, with the kids I know, I would cheerfully yell "Aack! You snotted me!" and we all would







: Nothing much funnier than boogers, except maybe farts









You can play freeze tag with us anytime!


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## cheery (Jul 29, 2004)

Quote:

we're being kind of petty and not understanding what a serious sport freeze-tag is.
... which is really the only current that is keeping the humour in this thread, imho! thanks chfriend!

on another note ... i do think this particular 7 yo tends to be whiny, clingy, bossy, grabby. is this just something she will outgrow or would the fly-by snot-wipe in the context of her overall behaviour be something that would alert one that she is special needs, as some suggest. i am not sure whether her parents need to expect / demand more maturity from her. if only they joined the freeze tag game, they would know what is going on!!!


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

I spend a crazy amount of time with 7 year olds. "whiny, clingy, bossy, grabby" looks to be in the range of normal, along with an amazing ability to fling many pounds of attitude right before falling apart while trying to master a fine motor skill.

If it happened to me a second time, or if I noticed her having other troubles, I would touch base with the parents to see if I could be of any help.


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## GuildJenn (Jan 10, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *cheery* 
... which is really the only current that is keeping the humour in this thread, imho! thanks chfriend!

on another note ... i do think this particular 7 yo tends to be whiny, clingy, bossy, grabby. is this just something she will outgrow or would the fly-by snot-wipe in the context of her overall behaviour be something that would alert one that she is special needs, as some suggest. i am not sure whether her parents need to expect / demand more maturity from her. if only they joined the freeze tag game, they would know what is going on!!!

Humour note: well if she's still doing that at 15 you'll know there was a problem.

From having worked in an elementary school, I would have to honestly say that kids do the weirdest stuff sometimes and it's not a sign of bad parenting, or special needs. It's just normal. They are kids: lesser impulse control, lesser awareness of how things look to other people, empathy still in development, and much higher booger tolerance, among other things.

Also if you're talking about a child burying her face somewhere, lots of kids cannot resist the soft sweater or fuzzy coat. They're little sensory beings.

When I used to teach kindergarten (I know, slightly younger) I would come home with filthy tights between my skirt and my ankles because at story time the kids would gradually squish in and start petting my legs (after rolling around on the floor)! Kids are wired for touch, or at least some are.

I actually kind of like that about kids even if I am not a huge fan of nose wiping... I guess it's normal that we have to adapt to social mores but some part of me thinks we lose a bit when we learn not to ever touch other people or their things (in a good way... not the wiping way).


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## Earthen Goddess (Jan 28, 2008)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *chfriend* 
I asked dp what she would do ('cause she's the best mother in the entire wide world.) She shrugged and said, "I'd figure it was an accident. And I wouldn't want to embarrass the kid. Unless it was [our 8 year old autistic friend]. And then it's not like saying something would matter."

So OP....the best mother in the world would treat it the same way you did....like an accident in the middle of a rousing game.

You're awesome. You know that right?


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
.......I think I reacted more to the accusation of "harshness" toward someone who simply advocated saying "Use a Kleenex," and mentioning what happened to the parents.

I agree with Nature that a sit-down conference wouldn't be warranted (and never read Xoe's post as specifying a sit-down conference) -- and I'm actually not sure if I'd mention it to the parent: I just know that *I'd* want to know if it were my 7yo.


Oh please.....asking for "a sit down conference" is the least of what I hadn't said, LOL! But somehow just because I said I'd tell the child she needs to use a tissue, and then I'd let the parents know that the kid needs to use a tissue-- I'm harsh, bolding "everything," yelling, embarrassing children, asking for sit down conferences with parents *AND* accusing the parents of bad parenting. I suppose some people think there's no kind or compassionate way to tell a 7 year old they need to use a tissue? Whatever.....I don't have time for the hysteria.









xoe


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## chfriend (Aug 29, 2002)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Earthen Goddess* 
You're awesome. You know that right?









You are most kind. Clarifying, though, the articulate font of excellent motherhood I'm quoting there is my dp. (So, I'm not so much awesome as very lucky







)


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xoe* 
Oh please.....asking for "a sit down conference" is the least of what I hadn't said, LOL! But somehow just because I said I'd tell the child she needs to use a tissue, and then I'd let the parents know that the kid needs to use a tissue-- I'm harsh, bolding "everything," yelling, embarrassing children, asking for sit down conferences with parents *AND* accusing the parents of bad parenting. I suppose some people think there's no kind or compassionate way to tell a 7 year old they need to use a tissue? Whatever.....I don't have time for the hysteria.









xoe


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## ~ZooBabies~ (Jan 20, 2008)

Precisely what I was thinking!

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
Yeah, my 2yo absolutely wouldn't care if someone wiped their snot on her (or their poop for that matter







). So while I'd certainly discuss it with her, I wouldn't be alarmed like I would if my 7yo walked up and did that to someone. She already knows that it's gross, and she doesn't want it on her -- so why would she put it on someone else, you know?


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 









I thought the poster you quoted above your headscratch was being pretty clear: she felt she was being accused of saying things she hadn't said.


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## 93085 (Oct 11, 2007)

If this happened to me I think I'd be so surprised that I'd just laugh. I might say to the child, laughingly, "What was THAT about?!!" or something like that. Apart from a cocktail dress or two (which I wouldn't be wearing in this kind of situation anyway) I don't own anything that would be ruined by snot, so I probably wouldn't give it a second thought. I wouldn't go inform the parents. It's gross, but it doesn't seem to me that it's really damaging anything or indicative or a larger behavioral problem.

I think if I *saw* my child do something like this, I'd be horrified at her manners (I know her, and I happen to know that she knows better). I'd apologize profusely, offer to clean the item, and stop my daughter in her tracks and have her come apologize. I'd also tell her on the spot how to more appropriately deal with her next runny nose. I'd do it all nicely--no yelling (apart from any yelling necessary to flag her down in her snot-smearing path of destruction).

If I hadn't seen it, and instead someone walked up to me and politely told me what had happened, I'd probably react in much the same way, but I probably would raise an eyebrow that they thought it was important enough to mention to me.

If someone stormed up to me and said, "Do you know what your child just did?!" and proceeded to rant and rave, I would still apologize, agree to have the item cleaned, and have my daughter apologize, but I'd also tell the complainant to calm down in front of the kids and not make a mountain out of a molehill.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
I thought the poster you quoted above your headscratch was being pretty clear: she felt she was being accused of saying things she hadn't said.

Well, the poster is mistaken.


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## *GreenMama* (Jan 5, 2006)

Eeew. LOL!

I'd just be sweetly honest with the parents and say something like, "I was kind of taken aback when Jenny wiped her nose on my dress the other day. I know she didn't mean anything by it, but I was hoping you could maybe have a talk with her about it." I can't imagine that the parents would be mad at you for pointing it out. In fact, they probably would thank you for it, since I can't imagine they teach her to use other peoples clothes as a germ depository...


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
Well, the poster is mistaken.

Well, from what I read, she was accused of being harsh when all she advocated was telling the child to use a tissue, and mentioning the incident to the parent (she never said anything about a sit-down conference, either!).
She was told, "You don't have to bold everything" -- in a post where I think she'd bolded like one sentence.

So maybe nobody's actually mistaken: each of us is just perceiving things way differently.

As to telling the child's parents -- I'm not actually sure that I would ... as I've already said, in a game of freeze-tag I'd probably let it pass. But I certainly wouldn't "raise an eyebrow" if someone told me my 7yo had wiped her nose on them: I'd be glad to know so I could talk with my dd.

While I certainly wouldn't want the adult to have an extreme reaction and potentially humiliate my child, I don't think I'd tell her she was "making a mountain out of a molehill." Some people do get seriously squicked out by gross stuff like that. I can remember, in my pre-kids days, having a hard time pulling myself together after somebody's kid peed a whole bunch right in my lap (my own panties were soaked -- and I just kind of wigged out).

The toddler didn't seem traumatized: she just stood there grinning,







. But it was helpful that the other adult who was present (not the child's mother) didn't tell me I was making a mountain out of a molehill (even though I was). She just said that (as a mom of 7), she'd been peed on so much it didn't phase her anymore. Her calm (but uncritical) reaction enabled me to get over it faster.


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## 93085 (Oct 11, 2007)

Mammalmama, I hope you know that I wasn't _advocating_ "raising an eyebrow" (which I meant figuratively, rather than literally--I can't actually raise one eyebrow independent of the other)--I was just trying to be honest about what my actual reaction would be. So often on this board we talk about ideals and don't acknowledge what form our human emotions would actually take. Rest assured my raised eyebrow would be a purely internal reaction and my response to the polite adult would be perfectly polite in return.

As for the scenario of someone storming up and making a scene, I feel I would be perfectly justified in asking them to control themselves in front of the children; in fact, I feel it would be a disservice to all concerned if I did _not_ do that. I can appreciate having a visceral reaction to bodily fluids, but it does not justify an adult tantrum in front of children.

If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I might, in fact, find that my courage failed me to be candid with the adult about their inappropriate behavior--but I'd be very disappointed in myself afterward, and I'd apologize to my child for not acknowledging the poor adult behavior alongside their own.


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## mammal_mama (Aug 27, 2006)

Jescafa, that's cool, and I agree: my actual responses often fall short of what I feel I "should" do in a given situation.

I think I'm kind of double-minded in all this: because I would feel that MY 7yo wiping her nose on someone else's dress was definitely important enough to be mentioned to me -- but I tend not to think other people's kids are as important as my own, so I might not even bother to tell the other parent if her 7yo wiped her nose on me.

It wouldn't be worth the risk of someone possibly thinking I was making a big deal out of nothing. So I very likely would just drop it, if it were someone else's child and not my own.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammal_mama ....
I thought the poster you quoted above your headscratch was being pretty clear: she felt she was being accused of saying things she hadn't said.

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
Well, the poster is mistaken.


*Responses like this one make me wish I kept a DSM-IV next to the keyboard.*









However......Nature, I just noticed that you're due to have a baby any day now. If my posts leave you feeling confused, feel free to skip them, okay? I'm sending you happy birthing vibes.









xoe


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
Jescafa, that's cool, and I agree: my actual responses often fall short of what I feel I "should" do in a given situation.

I think I'm kind of double-minded in all this: because I would feel that MY 7yo wiping her nose on someone else's dress was definitely important enough to be mentioned to me -- but I tend not to think other people's kids are as important as my own, so I might not even bother to tell the other parent if her 7yo wiped her nose on me.

It wouldn't be worth the risk of someone possibly thinking I was making a big deal out of nothing. So I very likely would just drop it, if it were someone else's child and not my own.

I have to agree.....IRL, my response would not seem as cut and dry as it does when it's typed out on the keyboard. After all-- like you, my own kid's behavior is more important to me. So it's more important to me that I know if my kid did this to someone else, than it is to tell someone else their kid did this to me. After all, my clothes can be washed-- so while the snot thing is disgusting, it's not really a big deal. But it would be major to me if my daughter didn't know-- by seven-- that at the very least, if she couldn't find a tissue she should be using her own clothes for wiping snot! LOL!

On top of that....it's kind of hard and lengthy to convey, in type, that if someone else's kid did this to you, you've probably bent down and are looking into a kids eyes and asking them (or telling them) "Sweety, do you need a tissue? Yes, you need a tissue. Come on let's get you one."....and then walking over to the parents with a smile and lightly advising them that their kid needs a tissue and feeling them out before you decide to jokingly mention that she wiped snot on your dress (or not..., depending on how heavy the whole thing is going to be taken, and whether you think the parents response to the child will be educational/informative, punitive or dismissive.) Personally, I haven't yet had a reason to make a big deal over what anyone else's kid has done-- even if it's been something that has actually endangered the kid. I hope I never have to. (Making a big deal over things is the parent's job, if you ask me. If parent's don't want to educate or discipline their own kids, so be it.) But even if I don't make a big deal over anything when talking to someone else about their own child-- it doesn't change the fact that if my own child had done something like that, I'd be horrified. Granted-- there are a wide range of behaviors you will encounter in seven year olds. Children older than seven are smearing poop, or whatever...so it's not like unsanitary behavior is unheard of at that age. Still, my DD just turned three and I don't think she'd do anything like that now. Somehow, through our day to day interactions at home, she's managed to get a beginning sense of cleanliness, germ-awareness and boundaries, already.

xoe
(sorry this post is so long.)


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## llamalluv (Aug 24, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *mammal_mama* 
'Cause snot is yucky and she didn't want to mess up her pretty outfit?


Exactly. I would approach it from that angle.

"Sally, you don't like having snot on your clothes, so why would you put it on mine? Do you think that was nice, or not nice? (pause) Okay, so next time, what could you do? Could you ask for a tissue?"

I would be annoyed, but not angry.

But, now from additional posts, it sounds like she GOT snot on her clothes, not WIPED snot on her clothes...which is a bit different in my opinion. If it was a "collision snotting" during the course of the game, that sounds like a complete accident. And accidents are unfortunate events, not things to get angry with a 7 yo over.


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## Nature (Mar 12, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Xoe* 
*Responses like this one make me wish I kept a DSM-IV next to the keyboard.*









However......Nature, I just noticed that you're due to have a baby any day now. If my posts leave you feeling confused, feel free to skip them, okay? I'm sending you happy birthing vibes.









xoe

Admittedly your DSM-IV comment does leave me confused. Would you like to know my current diagnosis, or would you like to amend mine?

Seriously, I just commented on a post of yours. I thought you were being harsh because had someone responded to my daughter in that way, it would be hurtful. Thats all. And then I elaborated on my post to explain myself. I admitted that I felt a bit bristly about the subject. It wasn't personal against you.

I'm sorry if you felt that I was putting words in your mouth, not understanding you, whatever it is that you think I was doing. I disagreed with you, and I took your bolded posts to be a virtual yelling or emphasizing and I'm not sure why you were.

I guess I don't know what else to say. I was attempting to be a part of the conversation and I guess I didn't go about it appropriately. It really feels to me that you are upset at me or what I said, and I'm obviously not in a good place emotionally to deal with that right now.

I'll unsub from this thread to prevent further miscommunication. Again, I apologize.


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Nature* 
.........
I guess I don't know what else to say. I was attempting to be a part of the conversation and I guess I didn't go about it appropriately. It really feels to me that you are upset at me or what I said, and I'm obviously not in a good place emotionally to deal with that right now.......

Well I guess that says it all, now doesn't it? I'm still sending you good birthing vibes. Best wishes to you and your family at this very special time in your life.

xoe


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## Xoe (Oct 28, 2007)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *llamalluv* 
.........But, now from additional posts, it sounds like she GOT snot on her clothes, not WIPED snot on her clothes...which is a bit different in my opinion. If it was a "collision snotting" during the course of the game, that sounds like a complete accident. And accidents are unfortunate events, not things to get angry with a 7 yo over.

Yeah, really......it _is_ starting to sound like a "collision" thing, as opposed to a "wiping" thing. And that is a big difference in my book too. Accidents happen. But stopping to wipe your nose with someone's dress, in my book, is not an accident. Running into somebody with a snotty nose is.

xoe


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