# When a friend spanks her child...



## Rainbowbird (Jul 26, 2004)

I was really dismayed to find out that one of my close friends is now spanking (she calls it "swatting") her child on the bottom when he doesn't listen to her. I never thought that she would be the kind of parent who did this. She admitted it to me during a playdate the other day. She said, "It doesn't hurt him but it really helps. He's starting to follow directions"

I didn't know what to say. I was shocked. I think she could tell by my expression b/c she quickly changed the subject.

She is under a lot of stress right now with a baby in the NICU who has some birth defects. Still, I feel her son doesn't deserve to be the recipient of her stress. Heck, he's not even a "wild child"--he is one of the most laid-back kids I know. But the bottom line is that I feel spanking of any sort is wrong and misguided, and I find my feelings for her changing. I would also hate to see her swat her son in front of MY son, who is starting to internalize the "no hitting" rule. How would that look to him--seeing another ADULT hitting, KWIM?

But my son LOVES her son and I don't see myself being able to avoid them for playdates. And I hate to let the friendship go, but I don't know how to deal with this. Any ideas?


----------



## Yin Yang (Jul 9, 2003)

Welcome to a "real" world. I have the exact same problem.


----------



## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

I've had this issue for so many years now, it's hard to remember whne I didn't!

My closest friend, since we were in jr high, parents completely differently than I do. Not a lot of swatting, but a lot of yelling, or ignoring them when they yeeled. Or doting on them when I thought they NEEDED a whack.







That was a joke, relax.

NOw we're parentling teens at the same time. Hers drink and party, take her car while she's sleeping, though they aren't licensed. Her boys are 16. I have a 16yodd and two 14 yodd. When we visit it's tough. Here's the boys off drinking and staggering in, and the girls, renting horror movies and asking to go to the mall. The girls enjoy visiting with the boys, until they start drinking, then they go off by themselves.

I have always poinited out that different people do things differently. My friend and I agreed years ago to go with "house rules". In my house you don't have to clear your plate, and there's no hitting, by anyone. In her house bedtime is later, you take it-you eat it, and she can swat if she wants to.

If the proof is in the pudding, my pudding is coming out great, BTW. My daughters are excellent students, get along well with others, are college shopping. Hers, well, they're excellent drunks with superb senses of humor.

Unfortunately, there's no satisfaction in being right. I love her kids, even though they're not doing what I think they should be. I see them losing out on oportunities and feel sad.

I'd keep the friendship, but supply books that support my choices. Mothering is a great choice. Maybe she'll change when the pressure she's under gets better. You could also point out that her son is under extreme strees rght now, too.!!!


----------



## katallen (Jan 4, 2005)

You might ask her if she would like some help with anything since she is going trough a stressful time. If she really thinks spanking works though anything you say would be a criticism to her and could hurt your friendship. If she does it in front of your child I would talk to her about it and you might also give her the AAP's statement against spanking which goes into a lot of detail about why spanking is wrong. Also you might try giving her a parenting book that talks about dealing with stress and still not hitting. You can tell her you just finished it and loved it so much you wanted to share it.


----------



## User101 (Mar 3, 2002)

The best solution I have found (and, granted, it takes a long time to work) is modeling. I really go overboard showing how I deal gently with my children. If someone were to do it in front of my child, I would take them aside and tell them that I do not wish my child to see another child being hit, since we do not hit in our family. I wouldn't explain why unless they asked, because unless they ask, they probably don't want to know.


----------



## mistymama (Oct 12, 2004)

I don't know anyone who has a child who DOES NOT hit.









Like someone else said, I feel the only thing I can do is model. Sometimes I feel like that's not enough b/c my child has SID and is suspected to be mildly Autistic so I have more behavior challenges than they do ... sometimes I feel like they think he has tantrums b/c I don't spank and he's spoiled rather than realizing he has tantrums b/c of his SID. Regardless, I figure all I can do is show them that there is ANOTHER way, and that it does work.

I do feel for you, it's very hard to be friends with people who hit their children. I know my friends are very loving, wonderful parents. Most of them would never think to CIO, they breastfed, etc ... but they do think it's ok to "swat".


----------



## abac (Mar 10, 2005)

Wow, this really hits home. My sister has two ds's aged 3 and 5. She not only hits them, she also yells, calls them names, pinches them, and pulls their hair to get them to comply. I hate to think what she does when I'm not around. My ds is 11 months and there has been more than one occasion when her yelling made my ds cry. I also don't want him seeing her hit or any of the other things I mentioned. She knew before she even had children that I think hitting is wrong and I'm sure my face says it all when it happens. That and the fact that I usually leave. This gets hard when we're at family functions though. I just try to model to her children correct ways to behave and try to give them tools to deal with difficulties. It's sad to see us growing apart as I don't want my son exposed to what I consider to be abuse of her children. Very sad.


----------



## Rainbowbird (Jul 26, 2004)

I guess I'm not alone here, unfortunately for all these children involved.

I think the modeling approach will be best and I will definitely ask her not to hit in front of my son if she ever does.

I have tried to be supportive throughout this new baby's ordeal. I drove 45 min. in torrential rain to the hospital to pick up her toddler when she went for an emergency c-section--(had to get someone to watch my own son as it was at night and my DH was away), have baked and cooked meals, helped to organize the moms we know to do the same (we provided her with about a month's worth of cooking), have offered to babysit or do errands, whatever...she's not that great about accepting help, for whatever reason.

Just saying I have tried to reduce her stress.

I find it heartbreaking that she thinks this is "best". How can people not see that this breaks trust with a child and teaches violence as a solution?

I don't think she would listen to me if I tried to tell her. But I think I can broach it if she starts to smack her child in front of my son. I would feel comfortable doing that. I will also mention the AAP position if it comes up.

Sigh. I'm just so glad my DH and I agree on no-spanking and that we decided early on to stay with GD. Before we had kids I didn't think much about it. I had been spanked, and I felt it damaged my relationship with my father. Once we had a child I realized there was no way I could ever lay a hand on him like that. He is very active and like any toddler can be quite trying at times, but the bottom line is violence is wrong and we won't do it. And how can we say "we don't hit in this house" if we DO?

I'm finding that is spanking thing seems to separate the men from the boys (or the women from the girls) so to speak when it comes to raising children. Spanking is the easy way out IMO. You don't have to really deal with the issue. People who spank are just releasing their own frustration temporarily. Suddenly people you've known along time seem different when you find they are spanking. It seems like it can be a deal-breaker for a friendship sometimes.

Thanks again for all the responses.


----------



## Red (Feb 6, 2002)

Umm, abac? While friendships are tricky, siblings can be easier. And your sis is way over the edge if she's pulling hair and pinching.

There are many schools of thought saying that spanking is ok. I doubt, however, that you'd find many who'd push hair pulling and pinching! Buy sis some books. Also, try pointing out cases of abuse where things like this are mentioned. I would absolutely have a long, frank discussion with a sister or brother who did this. In fact, I have had many with my friend. This is over the line!

(Not that hitting is ok!)


----------



## our veggie baby (Jan 31, 2005)

This is kind of a spin -off from the spousal abuse thread comparison, but honestly, if someone I knew was treating their partner the way some people treat their kids, there is NO way I would be around them or let my children into their home---same with spanking or *swatting*...
I would totally say "we don't condone hitting of any kind, towards anyone in our family...if you feel the need to hit your child in front of us, we will have no choice but to decline invitations to play...we care about you and your family but we can't allow our child to see another child being hit"

I wouldn't use these freaking smooth over type *nice* words like "swat"....she is hitting...if you "swatted" your neighbor, no matter how lightly, and they got upset--you could be put in jail.

Just my $.02


----------



## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I'd be extra sensitive now given her difficult situation. She may not be thinking straight!!! I like the suggestions of asking her if you could help out and getting her a parenting book or magazine subscription that contain anti-spanking content.

My son has a "you-spank" radar. He is very sociable but seems to dislike the only friend that I have who spanks. He seems to be extra intimidated by her. She has never spanked her children in front of him, or in front of me for that matter. When she talks about her violent methods, I tend to say "No violence!" It's just a reaction that I have. Or I say something less up front, but that conveys my sentiment. E.g., she once said that she spanked her 2 year old for getting her kicked out of a guided tour of a museum. I told her that he was acting in an age appropriate way. I think she has enough logic in her to gather what I thought of her decision to go and spank him in the car!


----------



## Dal (Feb 26, 2005)

I'd be extra sensitive now given her difficult situation. She may not be thinking straight!!! I like the suggestions of asking her if you could help out and getting her a parenting book or magazine subscription that contain anti-spanking content.

My son has a "you-spank" radar. He is very sociable but seems to dislike the only friend that I have who spanks. He seems to be extra intimidated by her. She has never spanked her children in front of him, or in front of me for that matter. When she talks about her violent methods, I tend to say "No violence!" It's just a reaction that I have. Or I say something less up front, but that conveys my sentiment. E.g., she once said that she spanked her 2 year old for getting her kicked out of a guided tour of a museum. I told her that he was acting in an age appropriate way and that it wasn't realistic to expect him to follow the slow procession of a guided tour. I think she has enough logic in her to gather what I thought of her decision to go and spank him in the car!


----------



## Zinky (Mar 24, 2005)

Quote:


Originally Posted by *Rainbowbird*
I was really dismayed to find out that one of my close friends is now spanking (she calls it "swatting") her child on the bottom when he doesn't listen to her. I never thought that she would be the kind of parent who did this. She admitted it to me during a playdate the other day. She said, "It doesn't hurt him but it really helps. He's starting to follow directions"

I didn't know what to say. I was shocked. I think she could tell by my expression b/c she quickly changed the subject.

She is under a lot of stress right now with a baby in the NICU who has some birth defects. Still, I feel her son doesn't deserve to be the recipient of her stress. Heck, he's not even a "wild child"--he is one of the most laid-back kids I know. But the bottom line is that I feel spanking of any sort is wrong and misguided, and I find my feelings for her changing. I would also hate to see her swat her son in front of MY son, who is starting to internalize the "no hitting" rule. How would that look to him--seeing another ADULT hitting, KWIM?

But my son LOVES her son and I don't see myself being able to avoid them for playdates. And I hate to let the friendship go, but I don't know how to deal with this. Any ideas?

Try this: turn your friend over your knee and spank her bare bottom. Maybe then she'll know what it feels like.


----------

